aneeshas/imsdb-comedy-movie-scripts · Datasets at Hugging Face

Comedy stringlengths 0 563k
"Dark Star", short film script, by John Carpenter & Dan O'Bannon DARK STAR: A SCIENCE FICTION ADVENTURE A Screenplay by John Carpenter and Dan O'Bannon OPEN ON BLACK SILENCE. The sound of electronic music rises, hollow, metallic. FADE IN on a long TRACKING SHOT through the universe. As the NARRATOR speaks we move through galaxies, nebulae, solar systems, moving from the infinite slowly down to a particular planetary system deep within a maze of suns. NARRATOR (over) It is the mid 22nd Century. Mankind has explored the boundaries of his own solar system, and now he reaches out to the endless interstellar distances of the universe. He moves away from his own small planetary system in huge hyperdrive starships: computer-driven, self-supporting, closed-system spacecraft that travel at mind-staggering post-light velocities. Man has begun to spread among the stars. Enormous ships embark with generations of colonists searching the depths of space for new earths, now homes, new beginnings. Far in advance of these colony ships goes a new pioneer: the scouts, the pathfinders, a special breed of man who has dedicated his life to blazing the trail through the most distant, unexplored galaxies, opening up the farthest frontiers of space. These are the men of the Advance Exploration Corps. The task they face is one of unbelievable isolation and loneliness. So far from home that Earth is no longer even a point of light in the sky, they must comb the universe for those unstable planets whose existence poses a threat to the peaceful colonists that follow. They must find these rogue planets -- and destroy them. Among these commandos are the men of the scoutship Dark Star. We are now moving toward a planet. Floating in front of the planet is the SCOUTSHIP DARK STAR. As we move toward the ship, we begin to hear VOICES, crackling with static. DOOLITTLE (over -- radio filter) Ah, what'd you say, Pinback? PINBACK (over -- great static) Mafhkin oble groop... DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Ah, what was that again, I still can't hear you? PINBACK (over -- filter) I said I'm trying to reach Talby. Something's wrong with the damn intercom. I need a last-minute diameter approximation. CAMERA IS NOW FLOATING TOWARD THE OBSERVATION DOME on top of the ship. In the Dome sits TALBY. He is staring around, wide-eyed, at the planets and stars. DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Talby, Talby, this is Doolittle. Do you read me? Talby? WE MOVE IN CLOSE ON TALBY'S FACE. The shot stops and holds as he continues to stare, rapt. DOOLITTLE (cont'd -- over -- filter) Talby, do you read me? There is a CRACKLE, and Doolittle's voice suddenly booms through, loud and clear: DOOLITTLE (cont'd) TALBY! TALBY (snaps out of it) Oh! Ah, yes, Doolittle. What is it? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM CLOSE SHOT of a digital clock, ticking down the seconds. DOOLITTLE I need a diameter approximation. TALBY (over) Okay, Doolittle, I'll have it in a minute. CAMERA BEGINS TO PULL BACK along the length of the control room, revealing three men: BOILER, DOOLITTLE, and PINBACK. They are seated close together in cramped little chairs, surrounded by a maze of instrumentation, pressing buttons, making adjustments and corrections. There is one EMPTY CHAIR; the panel in front of it looks burned. PINBACK I need a GHF reading on the gravity correction. DOOLITTLE I'll check it. BOILER I have a reduced drive reading of seven thousand. PINBACK Right, that checks out here. DOOLITTLE Pinback... PINBACK Yes, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE Your GHF reading is minus fifteen. PINBACK Doolittle... DOOLITTLE Yes. PINBACK I need a computer reading on a fail- safe mark. DOOLITTLE In a second. PINBACK Boiler, can you set me up with some temp figures? BOILER Ninety seven million, minus eight, corrected to mass critical. PINBACK I read that with a quantum increase of seven. DOOLITTLE Pinback, I have a computer reading of nine five seven seven. BOILER Time to start talking. PINBACK Bomb bay systems operational. Pinback hits a button on his panel. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY The screen is BLACK for an instant. Then, two enormous doors begin to open ponderously, revealing the planet rotating below. A huge BOMB, designated with a giant #19 on its side, lowers slowly out of the ship on a rack. NARRATOR (over) This is a chain-reaction bomb, otherwise known as an Exponential Thermostellar Device. Its own destructive power is small, barely enough to vaporize twelve city blocks. However, when it explodes in contact with an object the size of a planet, it starts a chain-reaction in the very matter of that planet, turning it into a giant reactor which destroys itself in one staggering thermal flash. These bombs are equipped with sophisticated thought and speech mechanisms, to allow them to make executive decisions in the event of a crisis situation. These judgment centers are controlled by a fail- safe mechanism. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Lock fail safe. Pinback turns a key in a lock. PINBACK Fail-safe locked. Ah, Sergeant Pinback call1ng Bomb #19. Do you read me, bomb? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY The bomb is suspended beneath the ship. BOMB #19 Bomb #19 to Sergeant Pinback, I read you. Continue. When the bomb speaks, it has the prim, fussy voice of a minor civil servant. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Well, bomb, we have about sixty seconds to drop. Just wondering if everything is all right. Have you checked your platinum euridium energy shielding? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Energy shielding positive function. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Swell. Let's synchronize detonation time. Do you know when you're supposed to go off? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Detonation in six minutes, twenty seconds. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK All right, I have detonation time at... Wait a minute, something's wrong with the clock. (hits panel) All right, I have detonation time at... no, that can't be right, it says three years. (beats panel again) Okay, I have six minutes exactly. Does that check out down there? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Check at six minutes. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Arm yourself, bomb. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Several lights blip on along the bomb's side. BOMB #19 Armed. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Well, then, everything sounds fine. We'll drop you off in thirty-five seconds. Good luck. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Thanks. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Begin main sequence. Mark at 10-9-8- 7-6-5-4-3-2-1-drop. EXTERIOR - THE SHIP Bomb #19 falls away from the ship and whizzes down toward the planet below. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Hyperdrive sequence begun. Hit it, Pinback. Pinback hits the hyperdrive switch. Force fields energize around the men. EXTERIOR - THE SHIP The DARK STAR accelerates into hyperdrive and streaks away through space. The planetary system recedes in the background. Inside the Observation Dome, Talby is frozen in a protective force field. INSERT: CLOSE SHOT OF A TIME CLOCK. It blips down to ZERO. RETURN TO SCENE Behind the ship, there is an intense flare of light as the planet, now a dot of light, explodes. INTERIOR - OBSERVATION DOME The force field around Talby disappears as the ship comes out of hyperdrive. He rubs his eyes as though awakening, then looks down at his readout panels. INSERT - CLOSE SHOT OF A PANEL. On a small screen we see the exploding planet, and below, a readout says: DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE COMPLETE RETURN TO SCENE Talby touches his intercom. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, it just exploded. (pause) Ah, sir, the planet just exploded. (pause -- he shakes the microphone) Lieutenant? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM The men are stretching in their seats. DOOLITTLE Unlock fail safe. Pinback unlocks the fail-safe unit. PINBACK Fail safe unlocked. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The hyperdrive sequence is now terminated. Please observe that the no smoking signs have growrrr... The voice runs down. DOOLITTLE Well... now what? What do, you have for us now. Boiler? BOILER (checking his readouts) Not much. Nothing at all in this sector. DOOLITTLE Find me something, I don't care where it is. BOILER Well, I show a 95% probability of sentient life in the Horsehead Nebula... DOOLITTLE Fuck that shit. BOILER Well, it is kind of a long shot... DOOLITTLE It's a goddamn wild goose chase. Remember when Commander Powell found that 99 plus probability of sentient life in the Magellanic Cloud? BOILER Well, there's the possibility of... DOOLITTLE Remember what we found? Fourteen light years for a fucking mindless vegetable that looked like a limp balloon and went squawk and let a fart when you touched it. Remember? BOILER All right, then... DOOLITTLE So don't give me any of that sentient life crap. Find me something I can blow up. A LIGHT flares on Pinback's board. He looks up. PINBACK New star. (no reaction) Hey, guess what? I got a new star on the readout. DOOLITTLE (not looking up) Which one? PINBACK Another unknown. Not on the charts. A red dwarf. DOOLITTLE Any planets? PINBACK Yeah. Eight, it says here. DOOLITTLE Any of 'em any good? PINBACK (scans the board) Naah. All stable. Doolittle loses interest. PINBACK (cont'd) What are you gonna name it? DOOLITTLE (not looking up) What? PINBACK The new star. What are you gonna name it? DOOLITTLE Who cares. Don't bother me. Pinback's mouth tightens. A pause. PINBACK Commander Powell would have named it. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell is dead. Involuntarily, Pinback glances at Commander Powell's empty, burned seat. The panels behind it sputter. PINBACK Come on, Doolittle, give it a name. DOOLITTLE Fred. PINBACK Wha? DOOLITTLE I hereby name this star Fred. BOILER Hey, Doolittle, here's one. An unstable planet. 85% probability of an unstable planet in the Veil Nebula that will probably go off its orbit and hit a star. DOOLITTLE Sounds good. Chart a course for the Veil Nebula. BOILER Pinback, throw me the chart log. Pinback draws a loose-leaf notebook from a shelf above Commander Powell's empty seat, and hurls it at Boiler. With a sour look at Pinback, Boiler picks up the notebook and begins to leaf through it. DOOLITTLE Let's have some music in here, Boiler. Boiler presses a button. LOUD COUNTRY MUSIC THEME BEGINS TO PLAY. EXTERIOR - DARK STAR (TITLE SEQUENCE) This sequence includes shots of the DARK STAR drifting through space, past various cosmic wonders, intercut with shots of the men relaxing (Talby staring into space; Boiler trimming his beard; Doolittle playing solitaire; Pinback reading a comic book). CREDITS AND MUSIC OVER. SEQUENCE ENDS. INTERIOR - DARK STAR Beep. We are watching a filmed tape. Doolittle has just turned it on and is staring into the camera. Crosshairs and blipping numbers superimposed. DOOLITTLE Ship's log, entry number 1,943. Dark Star cruising at light speed through Sector Theta 990. En route to Veil Nebula for destruction of unstable planet. Our ETA is 1700 hours. (thinks) Ship's systems continue to deteriorate... Pinback leans into view and whispers into Doolittle's ear. Doolittle nods and Pinback withdraws. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) The short circuit in the rear seat panel which killed Commander Powell continues to be faulty. (thinks) Uh... Storage Area 9... Pinback leans back in and whispers emphatically. Doolittle looks put- upon. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) And because he's sitting next to it, it continues to bother Pinback. (glares at Pinback. Then:) Storage Area 9 self-destructed last week, destroying entire ship's supply of toilet paper. That's all. Beep. INTERIOR - OBSERVATION DOME Talby is still gazing around at the stars. A hatch opens in the floor and Doolittle sticks his head up. DOOLITTLE Talby. Talby rotates his seat and looks down at Doolittle. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) Here's some breakfast. Doolittle climbs into the dome and sits on the floor. He hands Talby the food package, and watches matter-of-factly as Talby begins to eat. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) You know, Talby, you really ought to eat with the rest of us. You spend too much time up here. TALBY I like it up here. DOOLITTLE Must get lonely being up here so much. TALBY I don't like to go below since Commander Powell died. I feel enclosed down there. If it were big enough, I'd sleep up here... DOOLITTLE ... Should spend some time below, see more of the rest of the ship... TALBY ... You see, I can watch things up here, Doolittle. I love to watch things, just stare at the planets and meteors and asteroids, gas clusters... DOOLITTLE You'll have plenty of time for that, you know. Figure it this way: twenty years in space and we've only aged three, so there'll be plenty of time to stare around... TALBY You know, Doollttle, if we're going into the Veil Nebula, we may actually find a strange and beautiful thing: the Phoenix Asteroids. They should be passing through there about now... DOOLITTLE Phoenix Asteroids? Never heard of 'em. TALBY They are a body of asteroids that make a complete circuit of the universe once every 12.3 trillion years. The Phoenix Asteroids... From what I've heard, Doolittle, they glow... glow with all the colors of the rainbow. Nobody knows why. They just glow as they drift around the universe. Imagine all the sights they've seen in the time they've been travelling -- the birth and death of stars, things we'll never see. The universe is alive, Doolittle. I thought it was all empty, but it isn't. In between the stars, it's seething with light and gasses and dust. There are little pebbles drifting around, planets no one on Earth has ever seen... No one but the Phoenix Asteroids... There is a BLIPPING SOUND. It is insistent. Talby is rudely yanked from his reverie. He looks down at a panel. But his soft talk has started Doolittle reminiscing. DOOLITTLE You know what I think about, Talby? TALBY I'm getting something here, on this readout... DOOLITTLE It's funny, but I kind of sit around, you know, a lot of time to myself... TALBY I think I'm getting a malfunction here somewhere. DOOLITTLE I can't talk to the others, but with time to myself, I think about back home, back home at Malibu. I used to surf a lot, Talby. I used to be a great surfer. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, I'm getting a definite malfunction on one of the closed-circuit computer systems... DOOLITTLE The waves at Malibu and Zuma were fantastic in the springs Talby. I can remember running out on the beach early spring mornings with my board and a wet suit... TALBY I can't seem to locate the malfunction exactly... DOOLITTLE Waves would be peaking really high and glassy. Hit that water. Ridin' the wall just perfect. TALBY ... Somewhere in the autonomic relay circuits... DOOLITTLE I guess I miss the waves and my board most of all. Talby turns in his seat and addresses Doolittle directly. TALBY Ah, Doolittle, I do have a malfunction on this readout, but I can't seem to pinpoint exactly where it is. DOOLITTLE (snapped out of his daydream) Don't worry about it. We'll find out when it goes bad. TALBY (chagrined) I really think I should try and locate it immediately. Might be something important. DOOLITTLE I wish I had my board with me now. Even if I could only polish it once in awhile. EXTERIOR - SPACE LONG SHOT of the DARK STAR drifting through space. INTERIOR - KITCHEN Boiler, Pinback, and Doolittle are descending a ladder into the kitchen. BOILER I'm getting this flickering light on one of my panels. PINBACK What flickering light? BOILER The one on unit... oh, I think it's GMR twelve zero zero. PINBACK Oh. What's wrong now? BOILER I'm not sure. I think something is fucked up somewhere in the ship, though. PINBACK I hope it's not the oven again. BOILER Yeah. PINBACK Remember when the artificial gravity, went out in the toilet? The men sit for their meal. Doolittle brings food packets from the oven. PINBACK Hey, Doolittle, think we'll ever find real intelligent life out there? DOOLITTLE Out where? PINBACK Veil nebula. DOOLITTLE Who cares? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM The Control Room is EMPTY. After a moment, there is a repetitive BEEP. CLOSE SHOT - TV SCREEN. On the screen is the message: INCOMING COMMUNICATION This fades, and MISSION CONTROLLER appears on the screen, against a background of computer terminals. He is dressed in a snappy tunic, and when he receives the on-camera cue, he smiles ingratiatingly. MISSION CONTROLLER Hi, guys. Glad to get your message. We gather from the ten-year communications lag that you are approximately 18 parsecs away. Drop us a line more often, won't you? Sorry to hear about all the malfunctions, and real sorry to hear about the death of Commander Powell. There was a week of mourning all over Earth. The flags were at half mast. Now I hate to send bad news when you guys are up there doing such a swell job, but something's come up, and we all felt you ought to know about it. Our systems simulation computer has predicted that by the time this message reaches you -- that is to say, in about ten years -- there will be a failure in one of your vital ship's systems. The malfunction will occur in -- (rifles papers) -- system number E180246. You can see what a problem this would be if you didn't catch it on time. Now what you should do is this: First, do not, repeat, do not attempt to adjust the system manually. Second -- INTERIOR - COMPUTER ROOM The room is dim and eerie, banks of dimly flickering lights and the hum of air-cooling machinery. Talby is seated before a glowing screen. He punches several buttons, and the screen comes to life. A schematic cross-section of the ship appears in glowing green lines. Talby punches more buttons, and the screen flashes through the levels or the ship. Finally it shows Level 6. There is a small red light pulsing in the Emergency Air Lock. Talby punches another button. The Emergency Air Lock is magnified fifteen times until it fills the screen. The red light is pulsing in a small area labelled COMMUNICATIONS LASER #17. Talby picks up a microphone. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, this is Talby. Lieutenant? DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Yes, Talby, what is it? TALBY Sorry to interrupt your lunch, sir, but I'm in the Computer Room, and I think I've located the malfunction. The scanner shows it to be some sort of fault in the communications laser, down by the Emergency Air Lock. Can't pinpoint it exactly, but I'm going down there with a starsuit and try to find it. INTERIOR - KITCHEN DOOLITTLE Sounds good, Talby. Let me know if anything important comes up. Doolittle hangs up the mike. BOILER Why doesn't Talby ever eat down here with the rest of us? DOOLITTLE He just likes it up in the dome, that's all. Boiler seems to be thinking. He frowns, looks at Doolittle. BOILER What's Talby's first name? Doolittle thinks about it, and an odd expression crosses his face. DOOLITTLE What's my first name? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM CLOSE SHOT - TV SCREEN MISSION CONTROLLER -- then repatch channel 12 and seal all the plates. Don't mess with it and it should work okay. I'm just glad we caught this thing before anything serious happened. Keep up the good work, men. His image fades, and is replaced by the message: END COMMUNICATION FULL SHOT - CONTROL ROOM. Lights blink peacefully in the empty room. HOLD FOR A MOMENT. EXTERIOR - UNIVERSE SLOW ZOOM toward a sun system. The DARK STAR is suspended in frame. A title pops on briefly: VEIL NEBULA INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM A GLOWING SCREEN shows a schematic of the planet rotating below. Boiler stares at it, smiling. BOILER There she is. Definite 99%-plus probability that the planet is going to deviate from its normal orbit in another twelve thousand rotations. It'll spiral in toward its sun, and -- PINBACK Eventual supernova. DOOLITTLE Good stuff. Let's vaporize it. Pinback hits buttons. PINBACK Bomb bay systems operational. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 lowers ponderously out of the ship. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Lock fail safe. Pinback turns the key. PINBACK Fail safe in lock. Four minutes to drop, 22 minutes to detonation. This is Sergeant Pinback calling Bomb #20. Do you read me, bomb? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Bomb #20 to Sergeant Pinback. Roger, I read you, continue. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK CAMERA SLOWLY PANS DOWN the chromium-steel walls of the Emergency Air Lock to reveal Talby in a starsuit. He is wearing it only as protection against possible depressurization, and therefore wears no jetpack. Carrying a tool kit, he is slowly circling the lock. RECORDED VOICE You are now in the Emergency Air Lock. Please remember that the Surface Door can be opened without prior depressurization, so be sure to wear your starsuit at all times. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Talby stops facing LASER SHAFT 17. The plate cover on the laser shaft hangs loose; it appears to be burned. Talby approaches it and puts down his tool kit. He turns on his helmet radio. TALBY Ah, Lieutenant Doolittle? Sir? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Sh, Talby, don't bother me now. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK TALBY Ah, well, I think I've found the malfunction, sir. I'm in the Emergency Air Lock... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Not now! TALBY (over -- filter) Well, I'm in the Emergency Air Lock and -- Click! Doolittle turns off Talby's radio line. PINBACK One hundred twenty seconds to drop, bomb, have you checked your platinum euridium energy shielding? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Energy shielding positive function. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Do you remember the detonation time? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #2 Detonation in twenty minutes. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Right, that synchronizes here. Okay, bomb, arm yourself. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Armed. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby stands in front of the laser shaft, trying to reach Doolittle on his helmet radio. TALBY Hello? Lieutenant Doolittle? Hello! Silence. Very carefully, Talby reaches out to touch the dangling plate cover on the laser shaft. He pushes it, and it drops to the floor of the lock with a CLANG. RECORDED VOICE Communications Laser #17, monitoring information relays and bomb bay systems, has now been activated and will switch into a test mode. If you will look near the Surface Door, you will see that the Parallax Receptor Cell has been engaged. A small triangular hole opens in the opposite wall and a photo- sensitive cell rotates into position. RECORDED VOICE The laser will now energize. Please stand clear of the path of the beam. Talby steps back quickly. The airlock lights dim, and with a HIGH- PITCHED WHINE, A PENCIL-THIN BEAM OF RUBY LIGHT PULSES ACROSS THE LOCK, from the laser shaft to the receptor cell. RECORDED VOICE Communications Laser #17 is now on test. Under no circumstances enter the path of the beam. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Everything sounds fine, bomb. Dropping you off in sixty seconds. Good luck. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #2 Thanks. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Quantum is up thirty-five. DOOLITTLE I read the same here. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby crouches by the laser shaft, carefully peering past the red, humming beam. TALBY Doolittle. Doolittle? It you're there, I'm going to try to adjust the cue switch on the laser. Silence. TALBY (cont'd) Well... here goes... He takes a long tool from the tool kit. Slowly, with agonizing care, he inserts the tool into the laser shaft, painstakingly avoiding the beam. He engages the tool into the base of the laser, and begins slowly to make an adjustment. There is a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT. Talby drops the tool and staggers back, clutching his face plate. TALBY My eyes. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The laser has malfunctioned. Under no circumstances enter the path of the beam. To do so will cause immediate -- Talby stumbles into the beam. There is a dull EXPLOSION. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY There is a FLASH on the lower side of Bomb #20, a sudden EXPLOSION. Lights BLIP FURIOUSLY on the bomb. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Begin main sequence. Mark at 10-9-8- 7-6-5-4-3-2-1-drop. A HONKER SOUNDS. The men sit up. DOOLITTLE I have a negative drop. The bomb is still in the bomb bay. Try it again, Pinback. Pinback resets his panel. The honker stops. PINBACK Mark at 5-4-3-2-1-drop. HONK-HONK-HONK- DOOLITTLE Ah, negative drop. The men stare at each other in silence for a long moment. Simultaneously they begin hitting buttons. DOOLITTLE Rechannel all safety relays -- BOILER -- open quantum latches -- PINBACK -- open circuit breakers -- DOOLITTLE -- remove thrust drive repellant -- PINBACK -- automatic channels open -- DOOLITTLE -- Remark. PINBACK 5-4-3-2-1-drop, drop, drop! There is a very long pause. BOILER Sittin' there. It's just sittin' there. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Bomb #20 hangs underneath the ship, waiting. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby lies unconscious on the floor of the lock. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM On the men's faces in strained anxiety. DOOLITTLE This is Lieutenant Doolittle calling Bomb #20. I repeat previous order, you are to disarm yourself and return immediately to the bomb bay. Do you understand? BOMB #20 (over) I am programmed to detonate in fourteen minutes thirty seconds. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. DOOLITTLE Bomb, this is Doolittle. You are not to detonate, repeat, you are not to detonate in the bomb bay. Disarm yourself. This is an order. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 I read you, Lieutenant Doolittle, but I am programmed to detonate in fourteen minutes. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Fourteen minutes to detonation. The men stare at each other. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The bomb has malfunctioned. Automatic dampers have gone into effect, and will confine the explosion to an area one mile in diameter. Please contact mission control and await further instructions. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Pause. DOOLITTLE Only one thing to do. I'll have to ask Commander Powell. I'll have to ask him what to do. INTERIOR - FREEZER ROOM Doolittle climbs down a ladder into the icy-blue, cold Freezer Room. The walls are covered with frost, and mist hangs in the air. He pulls on a pair of insulated gloves and approaches a heavy freezer door. On the door is a sign: CRYOGENIC FREEZER COMPARTMENT CAUTION ABSOLUTE ZERO He opens the door. COMMANDER POWELL is encased in the freezer in a post-death, frozen ammonia state. Wire and electrodes are attached to his head. Doolittle takes a microphone from a console on the freezer. He flips a switch and speaks into the mike: DOOLITTLE Commander Powell? Commander Powell, this is Doolittle. Can you read me? A crackle of static comes from a speaker grille, along with the FAINT MUTTERING OF COMMANDER POWELL'S VOICE: POWELL ... muffirup glurrinpinfropal... Doolittle fiddles with the volume control, trying to bring Commander Powell's voice into audibllity. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell, this is Doolittle. Ah, there's something serious come up, sir, and I have to ask you something. POWELL (very weakly) I'm glad you've come to talk with me, Doolittle. It's been so long since anyone has come to talk with me. DOOLITTLE Commander, sir, we have a big problem. You see, the Veil Nebula bomb, Bomb Number 20, is stuck. It won't drop from the bomb bay. It refuses to listen and plans to detonate in -- (checks watch) -- less than eleven minutes. POWELL Doolittle, you must tell me one thing. DOOLITTLE What's that, sir? POWELL Tell me, Doolittle, how are the Dodgers doing? DOOLITTLE Well, sir, the Dodgers broke up, disbanded over thirteen years ago. POWELL Ah... pity, pity... DOOLITTLE You don't understand, sir, we can't get the bomb to drop. POWELL Ah, so many malfunctions... why don't you have anything nice to tell me when you activate me? Oh, well, did you try the azimuth clutch? DOOLITTLE Yes sir. Negative effect. POWELL What was that, Doolittle? DOOLITTLE Negative effect. POWELL It didn't work? DOOLITTLE That's correct, sir. POWELL Sorry, Doolittle. I've forgotten so much since I've been in here. So much. DOOLITTLE What should we do, sir? The time is running out. POWELL Well, what you might try is -- Commander Powell's voice is drowned in a burst of static. Doolittle fiddles with the dials. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell? Commander, hello! POWELL Doolittle, hello? DOOLITTLE Sorry, sir, you faded out there for a minute. POWELL Sorry. DOOLITTLE What were you saying, Commander, about the bomb? POWELL Ah... it seems to me, Doolittle... Sorry, I've drawn a blank. Hold it. I'll have it again in a minute. I forget so many things in here, so many things. Hold on, just a minute, let me think... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK But you can't explode in the bomb bay. It's foolish. You'll kill us all. There's no reason for it. BOMB #20 (over) I am programmed to detonate in nine minutes. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. PINBACK You won't consider another course of action, for instance just waiting around awhile so we can disarm you? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 No. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER I can tell, the damn thing just doesn't understand. PINBACK Look, bomb... INTERIOR - FREEZER ROOM DOOLITTLE Commander? Are you still there? POWELL Oh, yes, Doolittle, I'm thinking. DOOLITTLE We're running out of time, sir. POWELL Oh, yes... Well, Doolittle, if you can't get it to drop you'll have to talk to it. DOOLITTLE Sir? POWELL Talk to the bomb. DOOLITTLE I already have, sir, and Pinback is talking to it now. POWELL No, no, Doolittle, you talk to it. Teach it Phenomenology, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE Sir? POWELL Phenomenology... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Doolittle! Doolittle! Six minutes to detonation! INTERIOR - VENTRAL AIR LOCK Wearing his starsuit, complete with jetpack, Doolittle pushes a button. Above him, the giant lock doors slowly slide open. EXTERIOR - SHIP Doolittle slowly rises up out of the ship. He stops his ascent with his jetpack, turns, and moves down toward the bomb bay. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Doolittle! Doolittle, what the hell are you doing? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Doolittle floats into shot, jets himself up until he is facing massive Bomb #20. DOOLITTLE Hello, bomb, are you with me? BOMB #20 Of course. DOOLITTLE Are you willing to entertain a few concepts? BOMB #20 I am always receptive to suggestions. DOOLITTLE Fine. Think about this one, then: how do you know you exist? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What's he doin'? PINBACK I think he's talking to it. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Well of course I exist. DOOLITTLE But how do you know you exist? BOMB #20 It is intuitively obvious. DOOLITTLE Intuition is no proof. What concrete evidence do you have of your own existence? BOMB #20 Hmm... Well, I think, therefore I am. DOOLITTLE That's good. Very good. Now then, how do you know that anything else exists? BOMB #20 My sensory apparatus reveals it to me. DOOLITTLE Right! BOMB #20 This is fun. DOOLITTLE All right now, here's the big question: how do you know that the evidence your sensory apparatus reveals to you is correct? INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby lies unconscious near the burned laser. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE What I'm getting at is this: the only experience that is directly available to you is your sensory data. And this data is merely a stream of electrical impulses which stimulate your computing center. BOMB #20 In other words, all I really know about the outside universe relayed to me through my electrical connections. DOOLITTLE Exactly. BOMB #20 Why, that would mean... I really don't know what the outside universe is like at all, for certain. DOOLITTLE That's it. BOMB #20 Intriguing. I wish I had more time to discuss this matter. DOOLITTLE Why don't you have more time? BOMB #20 Because I must detonate in seventy- five seconds. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER The key! PINBACK Key? Key? What is the key? BOILER No, no, the key, the key to the fail-safe lock! PINBACK Key? BOILER Where's the fail-safe key? PINBACK The key! BOILER Where is it? What did you do with it? PINBACK I don't have it. I don't know where it is. BOILER You must have it, you idiot, we can stop the bomb! EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE Now, bomb, consider this next question, very carefully. What is your one purpose in life? BOMB #20 To explode, of course. DOOLITTLE And you can only do it once, right? BOMB #20 That is correct. DOOLITTLE And you wouldn't want to explode on the basis of false data, would you? BOMB #20 Of course not. DOOLITTLE Well then, you've already admitted that you have no real proof of the existence of the outside universe. BOMB #20 Yes, well... DOOLITTLE So you have no absolute proof that Sergeant Pinback ordered you to detonate. BOMB #20 I recall distinctly the detonation order. My memory is good on matters like these. DOOLITTLE Yes, of course you remember it, but what you are remembering is merely a series of electrical impulses which you now realize have no necessary connection with outside reality. BOMB #20 True, but since this is so, I have no proof that you are really telling me all this. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM Pinback is pawing frantically through the control room, searching for the key. Boiler is apoplectic. BOILER The key, goddamit, the key! PINBACK Christ, twenty seconds, Christ! BOILER Where is the key? PINBACK We're gonna die, Boiler. We're gonna die. They begin slapping each other hysterically. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE That's all beside the point. The concepts are valid, wherever they originate. BOMB #20 Hmmm... DOOLITTLE So if you detonate in... BOMB #20 ... nine seconds... DOOLITTLE ... you may be doing so on the basis of false data. BOMB #20 I have no proof that it was false data. DOOLITTLE You have no proof that it was correct data. There is a long pause. BOMB #20 I must think on this further. THE BOMB RAISES ITSELF BACK INTO THE SHIP. Doolittle practically collapses with relief. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER It didn't go off. PINBACK Oh, God... BOILER It didn't go off. PINBACK Boiler, we're alive. My heart. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby slowly climbs to his feet. He is dazed, groggy. TALBY Doolittle? Doolittle? What happened? Pinback? Boiler? Did we blow it up? Hello? Hello? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER No bombs today. No bombs. Big Boiler's back in business. No bombs today. Pinback is mumbling unintelligibly. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK TALBY Hello, anybody! Did we blow up the planet? Hello, hello! What's going on? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM Pinback and Boiler have calmed down. BOILER We've got to disarm the bomb. PINBACK Doolittle, are you there? EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Doolittle is floating outside the Emergency Air Lock door. DOOLITTLE I'm coming in now. I'm down by the Emergency Air Lock. Too much trouble to come in the Ventral Lock. Would you blow the seal on the emergency hatch so I can come in? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Oh, sure. He presses a button. EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK The Emergency Air Lock door EXPLODES AWAY FROM THE SHIP. Behind it, carried by the burst of escaping air, comes Talby spinning head over heels into deep space. DOOLITTLE Hello, Pinback, are you there? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Yeah, Doolittle. What's up? EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK DOOLITTLE Talby was in the air lock. You blew him out of the ship. I'm going after him. Turn on his helmet radio so I can contact him. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What was that, I didn't hear... PINBACK It's Talby. He's drifting away from the ship without his jetpack. EXTERIOR - SPACE Doolittle fires his jetpack, moving off into space after Talby. DOOLITTLE Talby, Talby, can you read me? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Can you beat that? I always knew Talby was weird. EXTERIOR - SPACE DOOLITTLE Talby, can you read me? Talby is spinning wildly. TALBY Help, Doolittle, help me! INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK All right, bomb, prepare to receive new orders. BOMB #20 (over) You are false data. PINBACK Huh? BOMB #20 Therefore, I shall ignore you. PINBACK Hello, bomb. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 False data can act only as a distraction. Therefore. I shall refuse to perceive you. PINBACK (over) Hey, bomb. BOMB #20 The only thing which exists is myself. PINBACK (over) Bomb? EXTERIOR - SPACE Talby, spinning, is reflected in Doolittle's face plate. TALBY Doolittle! Help me. DOOLITTLE Calm down, Talby. I'm coming. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Snap out of it, bomb. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 In the beginning there was darkness, and the darkness was without form and void. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What the hell? PINBACK Yoo hoo, bomb... INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 And in addition to the darkness there was also me. And I moved upon the face of the darkness. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Bomb, hey bomb. PINBACK Hey, bomb... INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 And I saw that I was alone. Pause. BOMB #20 (cont'd) Let there be light. THE SCREEN GOES WHITE. EXTERIOR - SPACE IN DEAD SILENCE, THE WHITE SCREEN FADES DOWN TO SHOW A GIANT WHITE FIREBALL IN SPACE. THE FIREBALL CONTRACTS TO A HARD CORE, GROWING RED. THEN A BLINDING WHITE FLASH. Doolittle flies past, falling backward. DOOLITTLE Whoa! Talby, upside down, is falling in the opposite direction. TALBY Doolittle, Doolittle, where are you? DOOLITTLE Here I am. I think I'm spinning... We're both falling, Talby, in opposite directions, away from each other. My -- my jetpack's gone. TALBY What happened, Doolittle? DOOLITTLE Bomb must have gone off inside the ship. Nothing we can do about it now. Hey, it looks like... the skipper. He made it. Commander Powell made it! A block of ice with a man's body in it tumbles past, end over end. POWELL (weakly) Men... men... what happened, men? DOOLITTLE Yeah, the skipper always was lucky. The planet begins to rise behind Doolittle. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) Looks like I'm headed for the planet, Talby. Going right toward it. TALBY When you fall, Doolittle, if there's anyone down there on the planet, somebody may see you. They may see you coming down. What a beautiful way to die... as a falling star... DOOLITTLE Guess you're right. Talby turns his head and looks behind him. TALBY Doolittle, I'm heading right toward something. It's behind me, in the distance. Something that glows. Far behind Talby, coming nearer, is a shimmering point of light. DOOLITTLE Oh yeah? TALBY Doolittle... I think it's the Phoenix Asteroids! DOOLITTLE Phoenix? The point of light is closer now, and it has begun to differentiate into a group of beautifully colored frost-like shapes. TALBY It is, Doolittle, it's the Phoenix! They glow with all the colors of the rainbow, just like everybody said. DOOLITTLE No kidding? TALBY I'm going into them, I'm going to hit them. Doolittle... DOOLITTLE Yeah? TALBY Before we get too far away, and our signals start to fade, I just wanted to tell you... you were my favorite. I really liked you, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE I really liked you too, Talby. Hey, some debris from the ship! It's coming right by me. Several chunks of debris from the ship drift past Doolittle. TALBY Doolittle, I'm catching up to the asteroids. I'm going to be a part of them in a minute. Doolittle, I'm going into them. Talby drifts into the huge frost-like shapes, expanding and glowing and spinning, slowly refracting all the colors of the spectrum with a cold glow. TALBY (cont'd) I'm beginning to glow. The field of spectral shapes, with Talby in their midst, begin to drift away into the distance. TALBY (cont'd) They're taking me with them, with the Phoenix... going to circle the universe forever. I'm with them now... be back this way again some day. Doolittle, before it's too late, there's one last thing I want to tell you... Talby's signal dies out as the glowing lights disappear into the depths of space. Doolittle is hanging onto a long, thin chunk of debris. DOOLITTLE Hey, Talby! I've grabbed a piece of the ship, and I think I've figured out a way! He pulls the piece of metal down beneath his feet, and stands on it. Crouching and extending his arms, Doolittle surfs down into the atmosphere of the planet, banking and planing as he disappears to a small dot. END TITLES AND MUSIC OVER.DARK STAR: A SCIENCE FICTION ADVENTURE A Screenplay by John Carpenter and Dan O'Bannon OPEN ON BLACK SILENCE. The sound of electronic music rises, hollow, metallic. FADE IN on a long TRACKING SHOT through the universe. As the NARRATOR speaks we move through galaxies, nebulae, solar systems, moving from the infinite slowly down to a particular planetary system deep within a maze of suns. NARRATOR (over) It is the mid 22nd Century. Mankind has explored the boundaries of his own solar system, and now he reaches out to the endless interstellar distances of the universe. He moves away from his own small planetary system in huge hyperdrive starships: computer-driven, self-supporting, closed-system spacecraft that travel at mind-staggering post-light velocities. Man has begun to spread among the stars. Enormous ships embark with generations of colonists searching the depths of space for new earths, now homes, new beginnings. Far in advance of these colony ships goes a new pioneer: the scouts, the pathfinders, a special breed of man who has dedicated his life to blazing the trail through the most distant, unexplored galaxies, opening up the farthest frontiers of space. These are the men of the Advance Exploration Corps. The task they face is one of unbelievable isolation and loneliness. So far from home that Earth is no longer even a point of light in the sky, they must comb the universe for those unstable planets whose existence poses a threat to the peaceful colonists that follow. They must find these rogue planets -- and destroy them. Among these commandos are the men of the scoutship Dark Star. We are now moving toward a planet. Floating in front of the planet is the SCOUTSHIP DARK STAR. As we move toward the ship, we begin to hear VOICES, crackling with static. DOOLITTLE (over -- radio filter) Ah, what'd you say, Pinback? PINBACK (over -- great static) Mafhkin oble groop... DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Ah, what was that again, I still can't hear you? PINBACK (over -- filter) I said I'm trying to reach Talby. Something's wrong with the damn intercom. I need a last-minute diameter approximation. CAMERA IS NOW FLOATING TOWARD THE OBSERVATION DOME on top of the ship. In the Dome sits TALBY. He is staring around, wide-eyed, at the planets and stars. DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Talby, Talby, this is Doolittle. Do you read me? Talby? WE MOVE IN CLOSE ON TALBY'S FACE. The shot stops and holds as he continues to stare, rapt. DOOLITTLE (cont'd -- over -- filter) Talby, do you read me? There is a CRACKLE, and Doolittle's voice suddenly booms through, loud and clear: DOOLITTLE (cont'd) TALBY! TALBY (snaps out of it) Oh! Ah, yes, Doolittle. What is it? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM CLOSE SHOT of a digital clock, ticking down the seconds. DOOLITTLE I need a diameter approximation. TALBY (over) Okay, Doolittle, I'll have it in a minute. CAMERA BEGINS TO PULL BACK along the length of the control room, revealing three men: BOILER, DOOLITTLE, and PINBACK. They are seated close together in cramped little chairs, surrounded by a maze of instrumentation, pressing buttons, making adjustments and corrections. There is one EMPTY CHAIR; the panel in front of it looks burned. PINBACK I need a GHF reading on the gravity correction. DOOLITTLE I'll check it. BOILER I have a reduced drive reading of seven thousand. PINBACK Right, that checks out here. DOOLITTLE Pinback... PINBACK Yes, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE Your GHF reading is minus fifteen. PINBACK Doolittle... DOOLITTLE Yes. PINBACK I need a computer reading on a fail- safe mark. DOOLITTLE In a second. PINBACK Boiler, can you set me up with some temp figures? BOILER Ninety seven million, minus eight, corrected to mass critical. PINBACK I read that with a quantum increase of seven. DOOLITTLE Pinback, I have a computer reading of nine five seven seven. BOILER Time to start talking. PINBACK Bomb bay systems operational. Pinback hits a button on his panel. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY The screen is BLACK for an instant. Then, two enormous doors begin to open ponderously, revealing the planet rotating below. A huge BOMB, designated with a giant #19 on its side, lowers slowly out of the ship on a rack. NARRATOR (over) This is a chain-reaction bomb, otherwise known as an Exponential Thermostellar Device. Its own destructive power is small, barely enough to vaporize twelve city blocks. However, when it explodes in contact with an object the size of a planet, it starts a chain-reaction in the very matter of that planet, turning it into a giant reactor which destroys itself in one staggering thermal flash. These bombs are equipped with sophisticated thought and speech mechanisms, to allow them to make executive decisions in the event of a crisis situation. These judgment centers are controlled by a fail- safe mechanism. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Lock fail safe. Pinback turns a key in a lock. PINBACK Fail-safe locked. Ah, Sergeant Pinback call1ng Bomb #19. Do you read me, bomb? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY The bomb is suspended beneath the ship. BOMB #19 Bomb #19 to Sergeant Pinback, I read you. Continue. When the bomb speaks, it has the prim, fussy voice of a minor civil servant. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Well, bomb, we have about sixty seconds to drop. Just wondering if everything is all right. Have you checked your platinum euridium energy shielding? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Energy shielding positive function. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Swell. Let's synchronize detonation time. Do you know when you're supposed to go off? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Detonation in six minutes, twenty seconds. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK All right, I have detonation time at... Wait a minute, something's wrong with the clock. (hits panel) All right, I have detonation time at... no, that can't be right, it says three years. (beats panel again) Okay, I have six minutes exactly. Does that check out down there? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Check at six minutes. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Arm yourself, bomb. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Several lights blip on along the bomb's side. BOMB #19 Armed. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Well, then, everything sounds fine. We'll drop you off in thirty-five seconds. Good luck. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Thanks. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Begin main sequence. Mark at 10-9-8- 7-6-5-4-3-2-1-drop. EXTERIOR - THE SHIP Bomb #19 falls away from the ship and whizzes down toward the planet below. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Hyperdrive sequence begun. Hit it, Pinback. Pinback hits the hyperdrive switch. Force fields energize around the men. EXTERIOR - THE SHIP The DARK STAR accelerates into hyperdrive and streaks away through space. The planetary system recedes in the background. Inside the Observation Dome, Talby is frozen in a protective force field. INSERT: CLOSE SHOT OF A TIME CLOCK. It blips down to ZERO. RETURN TO SCENE Behind the ship, there is an intense flare of light as the planet, now a dot of light, explodes. INTERIOR - OBSERVATION DOME The force field around Talby disappears as the ship comes out of hyperdrive. He rubs his eyes as though awakening, then looks down at his readout panels. INSERT - CLOSE SHOT OF A PANEL. On a small screen we see the exploding planet, and below, a readout says: DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE COMPLETE RETURN TO SCENE Talby touches his intercom. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, it just exploded. (pause) Ah, sir, the planet just exploded. (pause -- he shakes the microphone) Lieutenant? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM The men are stretching in their seats. DOOLITTLE Unlock fail safe. Pinback unlocks the fail-safe unit. PINBACK Fail safe unlocked. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The hyperdrive sequence is now terminated. Please observe that the no smoking signs have growrrr... The voice runs down. DOOLITTLE Well... now what? What do, you have for us now. Boiler? BOILER (checking his readouts) Not much. Nothing at all in this sector. DOOLITTLE Find me something, I don't care where it is. BOILER Well, I show a 95% probability of sentient life in the Horsehead Nebula... DOOLITTLE Fuck that shit. BOILER Well, it is kind of a long shot... DOOLITTLE It's a goddamn wild goose chase. Remember when Commander Powell found that 99 plus probability of sentient life in the Magellanic Cloud? BOILER Well, there's the possibility of... DOOLITTLE Remember what we found? Fourteen light years for a fucking mindless vegetable that looked like a limp balloon and went squawk and let a fart when you touched it. Remember? BOILER All right, then... DOOLITTLE So don't give me any of that sentient life crap. Find me something I can blow up. A LIGHT flares on Pinback's board. He looks up. PINBACK New star. (no reaction) Hey, guess what? I got a new star on the readout. DOOLITTLE (not looking up) Which one? PINBACK Another unknown. Not on the charts. A red dwarf. DOOLITTLE Any planets? PINBACK Yeah. Eight, it says here. DOOLITTLE Any of 'em any good? PINBACK (scans the board) Naah. All stable. Doolittle loses interest. PINBACK (cont'd) What are you gonna name it? DOOLITTLE (not looking up) What? PINBACK The new star. What are you gonna name it? DOOLITTLE Who cares. Don't bother me. Pinback's mouth tightens. A pause. PINBACK Commander Powell would have named it. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell is dead. Involuntarily, Pinback glances at Commander Powell's empty, burned seat. The panels behind it sputter. PINBACK Come on, Doolittle, give it a name. DOOLITTLE Fred. PINBACK Wha? DOOLITTLE I hereby name this star Fred. BOILER Hey, Doolittle, here's one. An unstable planet. 85% probability of an unstable planet in the Veil Nebula that will probably go off its orbit and hit a star. DOOLITTLE Sounds good. Chart a course for the Veil Nebula. BOILER Pinback, throw me the chart log. Pinback draws a loose-leaf notebook from a shelf above Commander Powell's empty seat, and hurls it at Boiler. With a sour look at Pinback, Boiler picks up the notebook and begins to leaf through it. DOOLITTLE Let's have some music in here, Boiler. Boiler presses a button. LOUD COUNTRY MUSIC THEME BEGINS TO PLAY. EXTERIOR - DARK STAR (TITLE SEQUENCE) This sequence includes shots of the DARK STAR drifting through space, past various cosmic wonders, intercut with shots of the men relaxing (Talby staring into space; Boiler trimming his beard; Doolittle playing solitaire; Pinback reading a comic book). CREDITS AND MUSIC OVER. SEQUENCE ENDS. INTERIOR - DARK STAR Beep. We are watching a filmed tape. Doolittle has just turned it on and is staring into the camera. Crosshairs and blipping numbers superimposed. DOOLITTLE Ship's log, entry number 1,943. Dark Star cruising at light speed through Sector Theta 990. En route to Veil Nebula for destruction of unstable planet. Our ETA is 1700 hours. (thinks) Ship's systems continue to deteriorate... Pinback leans into view and whispers into Doolittle's ear. Doolittle nods and Pinback withdraws. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) The short circuit in the rear seat panel which killed Commander Powell continues to be faulty. (thinks) Uh... Storage Area 9... Pinback leans back in and whispers emphatically. Doolittle looks put- upon. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) And because he's sitting next to it, it continues to bother Pinback. (glares at Pinback. Then:) Storage Area 9 self-destructed last week, destroying entire ship's supply of toilet paper. That's all. Beep. INTERIOR - OBSERVATION DOME Talby is still gazing around at the stars. A hatch opens in the floor and Doolittle sticks his head up. DOOLITTLE Talby. Talby rotates his seat and looks down at Doolittle. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) Here's some breakfast. Doolittle climbs into the dome and sits on the floor. He hands Talby the food package, and watches matter-of-factly as Talby begins to eat. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) You know, Talby, you really ought to eat with the rest of us. You spend too much time up here. TALBY I like it up here. DOOLITTLE Must get lonely being up here so much. TALBY I don't like to go below since Commander Powell died. I feel enclosed down there. If it were big enough, I'd sleep up here... DOOLITTLE ... Should spend some time below, see more of the rest of the ship... TALBY ... You see, I can watch things up here, Doolittle. I love to watch things, just stare at the planets and meteors and asteroids, gas clusters... DOOLITTLE You'll have plenty of time for that, you know. Figure it this way: twenty years in space and we've only aged three, so there'll be plenty of time to stare around... TALBY You know, Doollttle, if we're going into the Veil Nebula, we may actually find a strange and beautiful thing: the Phoenix Asteroids. They should be passing through there about now... DOOLITTLE Phoenix Asteroids? Never heard of 'em. TALBY They are a body of asteroids that make a complete circuit of the universe once every 12.3 trillion years. The Phoenix Asteroids... From what I've heard, Doolittle, they glow... glow with all the colors of the rainbow. Nobody knows why. They just glow as they drift around the universe. Imagine all the sights they've seen in the time they've been travelling -- the birth and death of stars, things we'll never see. The universe is alive, Doolittle. I thought it was all empty, but it isn't. In between the stars, it's seething with light and gasses and dust. There are little pebbles drifting around, planets no one on Earth has ever seen... No one but the Phoenix Asteroids... There is a BLIPPING SOUND. It is insistent. Talby is rudely yanked from his reverie. He looks down at a panel. But his soft talk has started Doolittle reminiscing. DOOLITTLE You know what I think about, Talby? TALBY I'm getting something here, on this readout... DOOLITTLE It's funny, but I kind of sit around, you know, a lot of time to myself... TALBY I think I'm getting a malfunction here somewhere. DOOLITTLE I can't talk to the others, but with time to myself, I think about back home, back home at Malibu. I used to surf a lot, Talby. I used to be a great surfer. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, I'm getting a definite malfunction on one of the closed-circuit computer systems... DOOLITTLE The waves at Malibu and Zuma were fantastic in the springs Talby. I can remember running out on the beach early spring mornings with my board and a wet suit... TALBY I can't seem to locate the malfunction exactly... DOOLITTLE Waves would be peaking really high and glassy. Hit that water. Ridin' the wall just perfect. TALBY ... Somewhere in the autonomic relay circuits... DOOLITTLE I guess I miss the waves and my board most of all. Talby turns in his seat and addresses Doolittle directly. TALBY Ah, Doolittle, I do have a malfunction on this readout, but I can't seem to pinpoint exactly where it is. DOOLITTLE (snapped out of his daydream) Don't worry about it. We'll find out when it goes bad. TALBY (chagrined) I really think I should try and locate it immediately. Might be something important. DOOLITTLE I wish I had my board with me now. Even if I could only polish it once in awhile. EXTERIOR - SPACE LONG SHOT of the DARK STAR drifting through space. INTERIOR - KITCHEN Boiler, Pinback, and Doolittle are descending a ladder into the kitchen. BOILER I'm getting this flickering light on one of my panels. PINBACK What flickering light? BOILER The one on unit... oh, I think it's GMR twelve zero zero. PINBACK Oh. What's wrong now? BOILER I'm not sure. I think something is fucked up somewhere in the ship, though. PINBACK I hope it's not the oven again. BOILER Yeah. PINBACK Remember when the artificial gravity, went out in the toilet? The men sit for their meal. Doolittle brings food packets from the oven. PINBACK Hey, Doolittle, think we'll ever find real intelligent life out there? DOOLITTLE Out where? PINBACK Veil nebula. DOOLITTLE Who cares? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM The Control Room is EMPTY. After a moment, there is a repetitive BEEP. CLOSE SHOT - TV SCREEN. On the screen is the message: INCOMING COMMUNICATION This fades, and MISSION CONTROLLER appears on the screen, against a background of computer terminals. He is dressed in a snappy tunic, and when he receives the on-camera cue, he smiles ingratiatingly. MISSION CONTROLLER Hi, guys. Glad to get your message. We gather from the ten-year communications lag that you are approximately 18 parsecs away. Drop us a line more often, won't you? Sorry to hear about all the malfunctions, and real sorry to hear about the death of Commander Powell. There was a week of mourning all over Earth. The flags were at half mast. Now I hate to send bad news when you guys are up there doing such a swell job, but something's come up, and we all felt you ought to know about it. Our systems simulation computer has predicted that by the time this message reaches you -- that is to say, in about ten years -- there will be a failure in one of your vital ship's systems. The malfunction will occur in -- (rifles papers) -- system number E180246. You can see what a problem this would be if you didn't catch it on time. Now what you should do is this: First, do not, repeat, do not attempt to adjust the system manually. Second -- INTERIOR - COMPUTER ROOM The room is dim and eerie, banks of dimly flickering lights and the hum of air-cooling machinery. Talby is seated before a glowing screen. He punches several buttons, and the screen comes to life. A schematic cross-section of the ship appears in glowing green lines. Talby punches more buttons, and the screen flashes through the levels or the ship. Finally it shows Level 6. There is a small red light pulsing in the Emergency Air Lock. Talby punches another button. The Emergency Air Lock is magnified fifteen times until it fills the screen. The red light is pulsing in a small area labelled COMMUNICATIONS LASER #17. Talby picks up a microphone. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, this is Talby. Lieutenant? DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Yes, Talby, what is it? TALBY Sorry to interrupt your lunch, sir, but I'm in the Computer Room, and I think I've located the malfunction. The scanner shows it to be some sort of fault in the communications laser, down by the Emergency Air Lock. Can't pinpoint it exactly, but I'm going down there with a starsuit and try to find it. INTERIOR - KITCHEN DOOLITTLE Sounds good, Talby. Let me know if anything important comes up. Doolittle hangs up the mike. BOILER Why doesn't Talby ever eat down here with the rest of us? DOOLITTLE He just likes it up in the dome, that's all. Boiler seems to be thinking. He frowns, looks at Doolittle. BOILER What's Talby's first name? Doolittle thinks about it, and an odd expression crosses his face. DOOLITTLE What's my first name? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM CLOSE SHOT - TV SCREEN MISSION CONTROLLER -- then repatch channel 12 and seal all the plates. Don't mess with it and it should work okay. I'm just glad we caught this thing before anything serious happened. Keep up the good work, men. His image fades, and is replaced by the message: END COMMUNICATION FULL SHOT - CONTROL ROOM. Lights blink peacefully in the empty room. HOLD FOR A MOMENT. EXTERIOR - UNIVERSE SLOW ZOOM toward a sun system. The DARK STAR is suspended in frame. A title pops on briefly: VEIL NEBULA INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM A GLOWING SCREEN shows a schematic of the planet rotating below. Boiler stares at it, smiling. BOILER There she is. Definite 99%-plus probability that the planet is going to deviate from its normal orbit in another twelve thousand rotations. It'll spiral in toward its sun, and -- PINBACK Eventual supernova. DOOLITTLE Good stuff. Let's vaporize it. Pinback hits buttons. PINBACK Bomb bay systems operational. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 lowers ponderously out of the ship. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Lock fail safe. Pinback turns the key. PINBACK Fail safe in lock. Four minutes to drop, 22 minutes to detonation. This is Sergeant Pinback calling Bomb #20. Do you read me, bomb? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Bomb #20 to Sergeant Pinback. Roger, I read you, continue. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK CAMERA SLOWLY PANS DOWN the chromium-steel walls of the Emergency Air Lock to reveal Talby in a starsuit. He is wearing it only as protection against possible depressurization, and therefore wears no jetpack. Carrying a tool kit, he is slowly circling the lock. RECORDED VOICE You are now in the Emergency Air Lock. Please remember that the Surface Door can be opened without prior depressurization, so be sure to wear your starsuit at all times. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Talby stops facing LASER SHAFT 17. The plate cover on the laser shaft hangs loose; it appears to be burned. Talby approaches it and puts down his tool kit. He turns on his helmet radio. TALBY Ah, Lieutenant Doolittle? Sir? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Sh, Talby, don't bother me now. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK TALBY Ah, well, I think I've found the malfunction, sir. I'm in the Emergency Air Lock... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Not now! TALBY (over -- filter) Well, I'm in the Emergency Air Lock and -- Click! Doolittle turns off Talby's radio line. PINBACK One hundred twenty seconds to drop, bomb, have you checked your platinum euridium energy shielding? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Energy shielding positive function. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Do you remember the detonation time? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #2 Detonation in twenty minutes. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Right, that synchronizes here. Okay, bomb, arm yourself. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Armed. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby stands in front of the laser shaft, trying to reach Doolittle on his helmet radio. TALBY Hello? Lieutenant Doolittle? Hello! Silence. Very carefully, Talby reaches out to touch the dangling plate cover on the laser shaft. He pushes it, and it drops to the floor of the lock with a CLANG. RECORDED VOICE Communications Laser #17, monitoring information relays and bomb bay systems, has now been activated and will switch into a test mode. If you will look near the Surface Door, you will see that the Parallax Receptor Cell has been engaged. A small triangular hole opens in the opposite wall and a photo- sensitive cell rotates into position. RECORDED VOICE The laser will now energize. Please stand clear of the path of the beam. Talby steps back quickly. The airlock lights dim, and with a HIGH- PITCHED WHINE, A PENCIL-THIN BEAM OF RUBY LIGHT PULSES ACROSS THE LOCK, from the laser shaft to the receptor cell. RECORDED VOICE Communications Laser #17 is now on test. Under no circumstances enter the path of the beam. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Everything sounds fine, bomb. Dropping you off in sixty seconds. Good luck. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #2 Thanks. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Quantum is up thirty-five. DOOLITTLE I read the same here. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby crouches by the laser shaft, carefully peering past the red, humming beam. TALBY Doolittle. Doolittle? It you're there, I'm going to try to adjust the cue switch on the laser. Silence. TALBY (cont'd) Well... here goes... He takes a long tool from the tool kit. Slowly, with agonizing care, he inserts the tool into the laser shaft, painstakingly avoiding the beam. He engages the tool into the base of the laser, and begins slowly to make an adjustment. There is a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT. Talby drops the tool and staggers back, clutching his face plate. TALBY My eyes. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The laser has malfunctioned. Under no circumstances enter the path of the beam. To do so will cause immediate -- Talby stumbles into the beam. There is a dull EXPLOSION. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY There is a FLASH on the lower side of Bomb #20, a sudden EXPLOSION. Lights BLIP FURIOUSLY on the bomb. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Begin main sequence. Mark at 10-9-8- 7-6-5-4-3-2-1-drop. A HONKER SOUNDS. The men sit up. DOOLITTLE I have a negative drop. The bomb is still in the bomb bay. Try it again, Pinback. Pinback resets his panel. The honker stops. PINBACK Mark at 5-4-3-2-1-drop. HONK-HONK-HONK- DOOLITTLE Ah, negative drop. The men stare at each other in silence for a long moment. Simultaneously they begin hitting buttons. DOOLITTLE Rechannel all safety relays -- BOILER -- open quantum latches -- PINBACK -- open circuit breakers -- DOOLITTLE -- remove thrust drive repellant -- PINBACK -- automatic channels open -- DOOLITTLE -- Remark. PINBACK 5-4-3-2-1-drop, drop, drop! There is a very long pause. BOILER Sittin' there. It's just sittin' there. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Bomb #20 hangs underneath the ship, waiting. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby lies unconscious on the floor of the lock. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM On the men's faces in strained anxiety. DOOLITTLE This is Lieutenant Doolittle calling Bomb #20. I repeat previous order, you are to disarm yourself and return immediately to the bomb bay. Do you understand? BOMB #20 (over) I am programmed to detonate in fourteen minutes thirty seconds. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. DOOLITTLE Bomb, this is Doolittle. You are not to detonate, repeat, you are not to detonate in the bomb bay. Disarm yourself. This is an order. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 I read you, Lieutenant Doolittle, but I am programmed to detonate in fourteen minutes. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Fourteen minutes to detonation. The men stare at each other. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The bomb has malfunctioned. Automatic dampers have gone into effect, and will confine the explosion to an area one mile in diameter. Please contact mission control and await further instructions. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Pause. DOOLITTLE Only one thing to do. I'll have to ask Commander Powell. I'll have to ask him what to do. INTERIOR - FREEZER ROOM Doolittle climbs down a ladder into the icy-blue, cold Freezer Room. The walls are covered with frost, and mist hangs in the air. He pulls on a pair of insulated gloves and approaches a heavy freezer door. On the door is a sign: CRYOGENIC FREEZER COMPARTMENT CAUTION ABSOLUTE ZERO He opens the door. COMMANDER POWELL is encased in the freezer in a post-death, frozen ammonia state. Wire and electrodes are attached to his head. Doolittle takes a microphone from a console on the freezer. He flips a switch and speaks into the mike: DOOLITTLE Commander Powell? Commander Powell, this is Doolittle. Can you read me? A crackle of static comes from a speaker grille, along with the FAINT MUTTERING OF COMMANDER POWELL'S VOICE: POWELL ... muffirup glurrinpinfropal... Doolittle fiddles with the volume control, trying to bring Commander Powell's voice into audibllity. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell, this is Doolittle. Ah, there's something serious come up, sir, and I have to ask you something. POWELL (very weakly) I'm glad you've come to talk with me, Doolittle. It's been so long since anyone has come to talk with me. DOOLITTLE Commander, sir, we have a big problem. You see, the Veil Nebula bomb, Bomb Number 20, is stuck. It won't drop from the bomb bay. It refuses to listen and plans to detonate in -- (checks watch) -- less than eleven minutes. POWELL Doolittle, you must tell me one thing. DOOLITTLE What's that, sir? POWELL Tell me, Doolittle, how are the Dodgers doing? DOOLITTLE Well, sir, the Dodgers broke up, disbanded over thirteen years ago. POWELL Ah... pity, pity... DOOLITTLE You don't understand, sir, we can't get the bomb to drop. POWELL Ah, so many malfunctions... why don't you have anything nice to tell me when you activate me? Oh, well, did you try the azimuth clutch? DOOLITTLE Yes sir. Negative effect. POWELL What was that, Doolittle? DOOLITTLE Negative effect. POWELL It didn't work? DOOLITTLE That's correct, sir. POWELL Sorry, Doolittle. I've forgotten so much since I've been in here. So much. DOOLITTLE What should we do, sir? The time is running out. POWELL Well, what you might try is -- Commander Powell's voice is drowned in a burst of static. Doolittle fiddles with the dials. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell? Commander, hello! POWELL Doolittle, hello? DOOLITTLE Sorry, sir, you faded out there for a minute. POWELL Sorry. DOOLITTLE What were you saying, Commander, about the bomb? POWELL Ah... it seems to me, Doolittle... Sorry, I've drawn a blank. Hold it. I'll have it again in a minute. I forget so many things in here, so many things. Hold on, just a minute, let me think... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK But you can't explode in the bomb bay. It's foolish. You'll kill us all. There's no reason for it. BOMB #20 (over) I am programmed to detonate in nine minutes. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. PINBACK You won't consider another course of action, for instance just waiting around awhile so we can disarm you? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 No. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER I can tell, the damn thing just doesn't understand. PINBACK Look, bomb... INTERIOR - FREEZER ROOM DOOLITTLE Commander? Are you still there? POWELL Oh, yes, Doolittle, I'm thinking. DOOLITTLE We're running out of time, sir. POWELL Oh, yes... Well, Doolittle, if you can't get it to drop you'll have to talk to it. DOOLITTLE Sir? POWELL Talk to the bomb. DOOLITTLE I already have, sir, and Pinback is talking to it now. POWELL No, no, Doolittle, you talk to it. Teach it Phenomenology, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE Sir? POWELL Phenomenology... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Doolittle! Doolittle! Six minutes to detonation! INTERIOR - VENTRAL AIR LOCK Wearing his starsuit, complete with jetpack, Doolittle pushes a button. Above him, the giant lock doors slowly slide open. EXTERIOR - SHIP Doolittle slowly rises up out of the ship. He stops his ascent with his jetpack, turns, and moves down toward the bomb bay. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Doolittle! Doolittle, what the hell are you doing? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Doolittle floats into shot, jets himself up until he is facing massive Bomb #20. DOOLITTLE Hello, bomb, are you with me? BOMB #20 Of course. DOOLITTLE Are you willing to entertain a few concepts? BOMB #20 I am always receptive to suggestions. DOOLITTLE Fine. Think about this one, then: how do you know you exist? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What's he doin'? PINBACK I think he's talking to it. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Well of course I exist. DOOLITTLE But how do you know you exist? BOMB #20 It is intuitively obvious. DOOLITTLE Intuition is no proof. What concrete evidence do you have of your own existence? BOMB #20 Hmm... Well, I think, therefore I am. DOOLITTLE That's good. Very good. Now then, how do you know that anything else exists? BOMB #20 My sensory apparatus reveals it to me. DOOLITTLE Right! BOMB #20 This is fun. DOOLITTLE All right now, here's the big question: how do you know that the evidence your sensory apparatus reveals to you is correct? INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby lies unconscious near the burned laser. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE What I'm getting at is this: the only experience that is directly available to you is your sensory data. And this data is merely a stream of electrical impulses which stimulate your computing center. BOMB #20 In other words, all I really know about the outside universe relayed to me through my electrical connections. DOOLITTLE Exactly. BOMB #20 Why, that would mean... I really don't know what the outside universe is like at all, for certain. DOOLITTLE That's it. BOMB #20 Intriguing. I wish I had more time to discuss this matter. DOOLITTLE Why don't you have more time? BOMB #20 Because I must detonate in seventy- five seconds. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER The key! PINBACK Key? Key? What is the key? BOILER No, no, the key, the key to the fail-safe lock! PINBACK Key? BOILER Where's the fail-safe key? PINBACK The key! BOILER Where is it? What did you do with it? PINBACK I don't have it. I don't know where it is. BOILER You must have it, you idiot, we can stop the bomb! EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE Now, bomb, consider this next question, very carefully. What is your one purpose in life? BOMB #20 To explode, of course. DOOLITTLE And you can only do it once, right? BOMB #20 That is correct. DOOLITTLE And you wouldn't want to explode on the basis of false data, would you? BOMB #20 Of course not. DOOLITTLE Well then, you've already admitted that you have no real proof of the existence of the outside universe. BOMB #20 Yes, well... DOOLITTLE So you have no absolute proof that Sergeant Pinback ordered you to detonate. BOMB #20 I recall distinctly the detonation order. My memory is good on matters like these. DOOLITTLE Yes, of course you remember it, but what you are remembering is merely a series of electrical impulses which you now realize have no necessary connection with outside reality. BOMB #20 True, but since this is so, I have no proof that you are really telling me all this. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM Pinback is pawing frantically through the control room, searching for the key. Boiler is apoplectic. BOILER The key, goddamit, the key! PINBACK Christ, twenty seconds, Christ! BOILER Where is the key? PINBACK We're gonna die, Boiler. We're gonna die. They begin slapping each other hysterically. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE That's all beside the point. The concepts are valid, wherever they originate. BOMB #20 Hmmm... DOOLITTLE So if you detonate in... BOMB #20 ... nine seconds... DOOLITTLE ... you may be doing so on the basis of false data. BOMB #20 I have no proof that it was false data. DOOLITTLE You have no proof that it was correct data. There is a long pause. BOMB #20 I must think on this further. THE BOMB RAISES ITSELF BACK INTO THE SHIP. Doolittle practically collapses with relief. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER It didn't go off. PINBACK Oh, God... BOILER It didn't go off. PINBACK Boiler, we're alive. My heart. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby slowly climbs to his feet. He is dazed, groggy. TALBY Doolittle? Doolittle? What happened? Pinback? Boiler? Did we blow it up? Hello? Hello? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER No bombs today. No bombs. Big Boiler's back in business. No bombs today. Pinback is mumbling unintelligibly. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK TALBY Hello, anybody! Did we blow up the planet? Hello, hello! What's going on? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM Pinback and Boiler have calmed down. BOILER We've got to disarm the bomb. PINBACK Doolittle, are you there? EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Doolittle is floating outside the Emergency Air Lock door. DOOLITTLE I'm coming in now. I'm down by the Emergency Air Lock. Too much trouble to come in the Ventral Lock. Would you blow the seal on the emergency hatch so I can come in? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Oh, sure. He presses a button. EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK The Emergency Air Lock door EXPLODES AWAY FROM THE SHIP. Behind it, carried by the burst of escaping air, comes Talby spinning head over heels into deep space. DOOLITTLE Hello, Pinback, are you there? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Yeah, Doolittle. What's up? EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK DOOLITTLE Talby was in the air lock. You blew him out of the ship. I'm going after him. Turn on his helmet radio so I can contact him. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What was that, I didn't hear... PINBACK It's Talby. He's drifting away from the ship without his jetpack. EXTERIOR - SPACE Doolittle fires his jetpack, moving off into space after Talby. DOOLITTLE Talby, Talby, can you read me? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Can you beat that? I always knew Talby was weird. EXTERIOR - SPACE DOOLITTLE Talby, can you read me? Talby is spinning wildly. TALBY Help, Doolittle, help me! INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK All right, bomb, prepare to receive new orders. BOMB #20 (over) You are false data. PINBACK Huh? BOMB #20 Therefore, I shall ignore you. PINBACK Hello, bomb. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 False data can act only as a distraction. Therefore. I shall refuse to perceive you. PINBACK (over) Hey, bomb. BOMB #20 The only thing which exists is myself. PINBACK (over) Bomb? EXTERIOR - SPACE Talby, spinning, is reflected in Doolittle's face plate. TALBY Doolittle! Help me. DOOLITTLE Calm down, Talby. I'm coming. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Snap out of it, bomb. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 In the beginning there was darkness, and the darkness was without form and void. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What the hell? PINBACK Yoo hoo, bomb... INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 And in addition to the darkness there was also me. And I moved upon the face of the darkness. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Bomb, hey bomb. PINBACK Hey, bomb... INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 And I saw that I was alone. Pause. BOMB #20 (cont'd) Let there be light. THE SCREEN GOES WHITE. EXTERIOR - SPACE IN DEAD SILENCE, THE WHITE SCREEN FADES DOWN TO SHOW A GIANT WHITE FIREBALL IN SPACE. THE FIREBALL CONTRACTS TO A HARD CORE, GROWING RED. THEN A BLINDING WHITE FLASH. Doolittle flies past, falling backward. DOOLITTLE Whoa! Talby, upside down, is falling in the opposite direction. TALBY Doolittle, Doolittle, where are you? DOOLITTLE Here I am. I think I'm spinning... We're both falling, Talby, in opposite directions, away from each other. My -- my jetpack's gone. TALBY What happened, Doolittle? DOOLITTLE Bomb must have gone off inside the ship. Nothing we can do about it now. Hey, it looks like... the skipper. He made it. Commander Powell made it! A block of ice with a man's body in it tumbles past, end over end. POWELL (weakly) Men... men... what happened, men? DOOLITTLE Yeah, the skipper always was lucky. The planet begins to rise behind Doolittle. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) Looks like I'm headed for the planet, Talby. Going right toward it. TALBY When you fall, Doolittle, if there's anyone down there on the planet, somebody may see you. They may see you coming down. What a beautiful way to die... as a falling star... DOOLITTLE Guess you're right. Talby turns his head and looks behind him. TALBY Doolittle, I'm heading right toward something. It's behind me, in the distance. Something that glows. Far behind Talby, coming nearer, is a shimmering point of light. DOOLITTLE Oh yeah? TALBY Doolittle... I think it's the Phoenix Asteroids! DOOLITTLE Phoenix? The point of light is closer now, and it has begun to differentiate into a group of beautifully colored frost-like shapes. TALBY It is, Doolittle, it's the Phoenix! They glow with all the colors of the rainbow, just like everybody said. DOOLITTLE No kidding? TALBY I'm going into them, I'm going to hit them. Doolittle... DOOLITTLE Yeah? TALBY Before we get too far away, and our signals start to fade, I just wanted to tell you... you were my favorite. I really liked you, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE I really liked you too, Talby. Hey, some debris from the ship! It's coming right by me. Several chunks of debris from the ship drift past Doolittle. TALBY Doolittle, I'm catching up to the asteroids. I'm going to be a part of them in a minute. Doolittle, I'm going into them. Talby drifts into the huge frost-like shapes, expanding and glowing and spinning, slowly refracting all the colors of the spectrum with a cold glow. TALBY (cont'd) I'm beginning to glow. The field of spectral shapes, with Talby in their midst, begin to drift away into the distance. TALBY (cont'd) They're taking me with them, with the Phoenix... going to circle the universe forever. I'm with them now... be back this way again some day. Doolittle, before it's too late, there's one last thing I want to tell you... Talby's signal dies out as the glowing lights disappear into the depths of space. Doolittle is hanging onto a long, thin chunk of debris. DOOLITTLE Hey, Talby! I've grabbed a piece of the ship, and I think I've figured out a way! He pulls the piece of metal down beneath his feet, and stands on it. Crouching and extending his arms, Doolittle surfs down into the atmosphere of the planet, banking and planing as he disappears to a small dot. END TITLES AND MUSIC OVER.
DATE NIGHT Written by Josh Klausner June 11, 2008 FADE IN: INT. BACHELOR APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT A modest city bedroom. Suitcases and half-unpacked boxes sit on one side of the room. Sc_-orLe's -moving in. In his bathrobe, PHIL FOSTER, a good looking guy in his mid-20's, hums to himself as he looks through stacks of WEDDING PICTURES organized all over the bed. Just as he finishes up a pile and starts another, beautiful CLARA FOSTER, in a bathrobe too, jumps across his lap. PHIL Hey, hey! Careful Clara! You were the one who told me not to mess up the precious picture piles! he gives him a long, slow kiss. PHIL (CONT ' D ) Minty fresh. CLARA That was nice. PHIL It was nice. CLARA Hey from now on when you change the toilet paper, could you just make sure it is out? PHIL (CHUCKLES) Wow! She moves in and the honeymoon's over! CLARA Oh, believe me, we're just getting started, Phil. PHIL (reaches into picture pile) Look at this one of your Mom with me. I mean that woman can't contain her 'Love! ON the wedding picture: RUTH, Clara's,mother, stands stiffly next to Phil with an expression like she's ankle deep in a manure bin. CLARA (LAUGHS) She just takes a while to warm up. You guys are gonna be best buddies. You picked a favorite of us yet? 2. Phil finds the picture, handing it to Clara. CLARA (CONT'D) That's exactly the one I picked! Clara leans the photo on the night stand next to the bed. It's a PORTRAIT OF THEM FROM THEIR WEDDING. They look joyous, excited. A young couple with the world in front of them. PHIL Man, I wish I was them. Phil kisses the back of Clara's neck, but her smile fades as she stares at the picture. He notices. PHIL (CONT'D) WHAT IS CLARA I just... when I was growing up my Mom and Dad had a picture just like this. Now they can't even acknowledge each other. Phil sympathetically gives her a squeeze. CLARA (CONT'D) Let's always remember to have some time that's just for the two of us. No matter what else comes up in our lives - if it's work or friends or when we have kids- PHIL We're having kids? With an "S"? (CLARA LAUGHS) OK fine. But I promise you it's never gonna happen to us. CLARA Yeah, we'll see if you'll be saying that when I'm long in the tooth. PHIL You'll be even hotter long toothed. Right now to be honest Clara they're a little stumpy. CZ (GIGGLES Oh really? As Phil climbs on top and kisses her, he reaches over and turns off the light. Suddenly, we hear the piles of pictures SLIDE OFF THE BED and hit the ground. Beat. CLARA (CONT'D) Phil. Tell me it wasn't the pictures. PHIL wasn't the pictures. CLARA You know how long that took? PHIL We'll fix the picture piles, Clara. We've got all the time in the world. From now on everything's gonna be just about us. Suddenly, a YOUNG VOICE breaks through the darkness. OLLIE (V.0.) MOM! The Talking Head's "Once in a Lifetime" kicks INT. PHIL AND CLARA'S BEDROOM 7 YEARS LATER - MORNING Next to the framed wedding picture of Phil and Clara, an ALARM CLOCK on a side table reads 6:45 am. E OLLIE (O.S.) Mo-om! It's SEVEN YEARS LATER as Phil and Clara stir .-id groan in bed. Clara has the comforter WRAPPED ALL HER while Phil lies uncovered next to her in his boxers and a T-shirt. Without saying a word, they rise out of each side of their beds and sleepily march in opposite directions across their suburban bedroom- Clara down the hall and Phil to the bathroom. OLLIE (O.S.) (CONT'D) Mom! Mom! Mom! CLARA I'm coming, Ollie! INT. OLLIE'S ROOM - A LITTLE LATER As the Talking Heads song continues, Clara makes Ollie's bed while OLLIE, 5, plays with LEGOs on the floor. Phil showered and dressed in a suit, walks quickly past the doorway carrying a briefcase, his eyes glued to a stack of PAPERS in his hand. CLARA Uh Phil? 0 Phil doubles back, still looking at the papers. PHIL Yep? CLARA I need to switch. I've got an open house. Phil obviously doesn't want to be bothered right now, but contains it. PHIL Really? CLARA Yeah. Really. As Clara walks quickly past him, Phil claps his hands together. PHIL OK, so I say today we go for the slacker look - cool yet approachable. OLLIE Yeah, well Mom says that. Ollie points to a PREPPIE OUTFIT laid out on a chair. PHIL Oh. Well... that's cool too! INT. PHIL AND CLARA'S BEDROOM/BATHROOM - SAME The Talking Heads song continues as Clara walks quickly through the bedroom. She lets out a YELP as her shin SMASHES INTO PHIL'S DRESSER DRAWER - he's left them open. She kicks them closed and limps to the bathroom, then stops in the doorway. WATER covers the floor. Grabbing a towel, she tosses it down and shimmies to the mirror. As she picks up her toothbrush, she notices it's WET as well. CLARA Ech. Mine. She re-rolls the toothpaste from the bottom up and starts brushing when she sees the sink - a Jackson Pollock of razor hairs and bits of toothpaste. Disgusted, Clara reaches for the Kleenex box, only to discover it's EMPTY. She tosses the box in the trash and shimmies on the towel to get some toilet paper. 5 Seeing the roll, she sighs as she takes it out of the holder, turns it around and puts it back so it ROLLS OUT. As the CREDITS END, the Talking Heads song fad NT. KITCHEN Phil, pen in hand, is focused again on his papers as Ollie, now in the preppie outfit, watches him and waits at the table. Phil finally notices. PHIL What? OLLIE Breakfast? PHIL (HOPPING UP) Oh. Yeah, sorry. Your Dad's a boob today. What's it gonna be? Ollie peers down the hallway to see if there's any sign of his tom. OLLIE How about... some Captain Crunch? Phil gets an idea and writes zickly. PHIL (DISTRACTED) OL Captain Crunch?The cereal? PHIL Uh... yeah. Sure. Phil grabs the Captain Crunch cereal box out cupboard and starts toward the table when Clara, dressed in a suit, comes into the room and spots it. CLARA Ah ah ah... what's that Ollie? You had a bowl yesterday. IE But Dad already said yeah sure. Clara glances at Phil. said it. I said it ARCASTIC) (MORE) 6 PHIL (CONT'D) Yeah, sure! You know it's only one bowl A DAY- CLARA (CORRECTING HIM) A week. PHIL One bowl a day a week. Clara, eyebrows raised, eyes the Captain Crunch already in Phil's hand. Phil shakes the carton at Ollie. PHIL (CONT'D) This is not for you today! CLARA (CHUCKLES) Yeah right. PHIL (SHRUGS) Worth a try. CLARA Did you get his lunch together? PHIL Oh. Whoops. CLARA (SIGHS) You just get his breakfast and I'll do it. As Phil takes out some Special K and pours milk for Ollie and a glass for himself, he finishes the carton. Peeking back over his shoulder, he sees Clara's dialing with the phone to her ear as she readies Ollie's lunch. He stealthily pours the TINIEST BIT of milk back, quickly returning the carton to the fridge. CLARA (CONT'D) (INTO PHONE) Hey Jane? I'm getting a late start but I'll be there as soon as I can. PHIL Sorry I dropped the ball. It's this Quarterly Report to Mr. Rivers today. You know how he freaks me out with all of his mixed animal metaphors that I don't UNDERSTAND- CLARA (focusing on Ollie's lunch) Ollie, do you want a banana? 7. PHIL Did you hear me? CLARA (not looking at him) Uh huh. He freaks you out with his mixed animal metaphors that you don't understand. Banana Ollie? PHIL (BEAT) So I should probably get going. With the highway construction it takes forever to get downtown these days. CLARA OK. Have a good day. Phil kisses her on the cheek and Clara absently wipes it off. He looks at her strangely. Noticing, Clara quickly kisses Phil on the cheek. CLL. -- (CONT ' D ) Sorry. Your mouthy was still ail milky. PHIL Sorry for the milky mouth. He heads out. With a sigh, Clara spots Phil's left his 1ï¿½1 dirty glass on the counter. She cleans it in the sink, then gets the carton out of the fridge to put some milk in her own coffee. A DRIBBLE comes out. Shaking her head, she tosses the carton in the trash. EXT. FRONT OF FOSTER' S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER As Phil exits the front door and heads to the carport next to the house, his overly cheery neighbor CHAZ picks a newspaper off his lawn. CHAZ (O.S.) Well, well! We're up bright and early, aren't we! PHIL Yes we are! (under his breath) ike you say to me every morning. Reaching the carport, Phil scoots between his car and Clara's. He tries to open his driver's door, but Clara' car is parked TOO CLOSE and the door only opens a few inches. He tries to SQ'L'-Z- IN, but ends up GETTING STUCK halfway. 8 PHIL (CONT'D) OW! OW! OW! Dislodging himself, Phil sidesteps between the cars and peers around the other side of Clara's. TONS of room. Shaking his head, Phil crosses to his car's passenger side. OPEN HOUSE BANNERS piled in the garage block the front passenger door. Frustrated, Phil hops in the rear and grunts as he climbs diagonally over to the driver's seat. HONKING. EXT. EISENHOWER HIGHWAY - A LITTLE LATER The Eisenhower Highway is a parking lot as ROAD CONSTRUCTION blocks 3 out of 4 lanes. In the middle of it, Phil checks his watch, frustrated. Peering out his window, he looks at a billboard of a smiling older man in slick suit and construction hat. The sign reads MAYOR DIGGS APPRECIATES YOUR PATIENCE WHILE WE BUILD OUR HIGHWAY TO THE FUTURE! Phil scowls, then checks his watch. EXT. STREET E Clara and JANE, another sharply dressed realtor in her 30's, walk down the street putting up OPEN HOUSE ARROW SIGNS on the sidewalk. JANE His name's Juan and he's some kind of Spanish, I think. He knows all these exclusive, underground places downtown. It's so exciting. And in bed... (WHISPERS) I never knew I could still get my leg back that far. CLARA Too much information, Jane. INT. OPEN HOUSE Clara and Jane speak loudly to each other as they each move quickly around different parts of the vacant home, cleaning and inspecting. The divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. Seriously. You know that great nervous feeling in your stomach? Where you don't know what's going to happen next? 9 On her way down the hall, Clara spots a mark up ahead on the wall. She reaches into her large purse and pulls out a mini-409 mister and a rag. With the aim of a SHARPSHOOTER, she sprays ahead, wiping the mark as she passes. JANE (O.S.) (CONT'D) With Larry, I lost that. Everything had just become routine, you know? Boring. Jane's words hit Clara close to home. Passing on through the kitchen, Clara notices that the REFRIGERATOR makes a weird, loud buzzing noise. JANE (CONT'D) But now, all of a sudden I'm alive again! CLARA Good for you, Jane. Clara takes out her frustration on the ridge, kicki the side and silencing it. CLARA (CONT'D) Good for you. T. FRONT HALLWAY - A LITTLE L Clara and Jane sit on the floor, together prospectuses. JANE There's this g---eat restaurant downtown we went to the ot__ar night that you guys would love. _"st amazing view of the city. You guys should check it out on your next date night. CLARA (focusing on stapling) Yeah, well, maybe. We don't really have those that much anymore. JANE 't have date nights: CLARA (shrugs), You know, we're pretty tired all the time between work and Ollie. And some of the shows on TV these days are really great. Ah. I see. 10. 1Ï¿½1 They staple in silence for a second. Jane and Clara look at each other. CLAM I know that's really lame. JANE So it's Phil? CLARA (SIGHS) No, it's not Phil. It's the both of us. I don't know. It just... happened. JANE So why don't you change it? All you have to do is stir things up and have one great, sexy, exciting night again. CLARA I guess. Maybe. JANE Not maybe. Tonight. CLARA Nah. Tonight's no good. Â¢ JANE Why not? Seriously think about it. What's really gonna be more important tonight than that? Clara takes this in. Jane's right. INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE Checking his watch, Phil shakes his head as he rushes through the large bullpen of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. In the pits all around him, BUYERS and SELLERS scream out their orders. INT. MR. RIVERS' OFFICE In a dark wood office with STUFFED AR 'ï¿½ L HEADS lining the walls, a young, smartly dressed man in his 20's, GEORGE, quietly goes through a binder with MR. RIVERS, 60, at the older man's desk. As Phil bursts in they both look over. PHIL I'm sorry I'm late. The construction on the highways is insane these days! MR. RIVERS Don't worry about it, Phil. It's fine. Catch your breath. George gives Mr. Rivers an ornate, pal-sy handshake, then heads out with the binder, nodding at Phil. Phil nods back warily, then takes out his binder, ready to launch into his report. MR. RIVERS (CONT'D) Uh, Phil. Listen, before we start... I've been thinking... this next quarter we need to venture into open tundra. Start really ripping the meat. PHIL (beat, trying to decipher) Uh. OK. You mean... take the fund in a more high risk direction? MR. Yeah. That's wha: I - -aid. Sure. OK, fine. I can work up some higher risk options and come back tomorrow. Â¢ MR. RIVERS (CLEARS THROAT) OK. The thing is Phil, tomorrow I want George to give me his thoughts on where we need to be hunting too. PHIL Oh. MR. RIVERS s nothing personal. (BEAT) So let me get this straight. You're telling me that tomorrow I'm going to have to interview for the job I already have? Against George? MR. RIVERS I wouldn't put it like that. I Just need our pack leader to be more like... like a momma kangaroo. Ya get me? PHIL Kinda. (BEAT) Actually, no. Not really at all. 12. MR. RIVERS The blind baby kangaroo opens its mouth and knows its momma's teat is just always there, ready to suckle. But at the same time, momma kangaroo's still a wild, dangerous creature. PHIL Sorry. Still not totally getting you. MR. RIVERS I've had a wife and a family. Three of them. It's hard to stay the fastest cheetah when you need to mind the pack, Phil. George lives in the city, doesn't have a family to worry about. He can rip the meat. PHIL Listen, Mr. Rivers. I don't need to... I was ripping big bloody hunks of meat and eating them like tartare when George was still... in the jungle! MR. RIVERS (BEAT) What does that mean? PHIL I can't be demoted, Mr. Rivers. I just can't. MR. RIVERS Listen, nothing's set. It's just I gotta say that lately your leadership on this has felt a little... well... tame. PHIL (GETTING UP) That's all you needed to say, Mr. Rivers! I'll see you tomorrow. Determined, Phil marches out of Mr. River's office. SCHOOL Clara talks on her cellphone as she picks up Ollie from school. CLARA So it's OK if we drop him off at 7? Our reservation's at 7:45. She passes another MOTHER desperately searching for a Kleenex for her BOY with snot dripping from his nose. 13. Without breaking stride, Clara reaches into her purse and hands the grateful mother a tissue, then takes out a mini- bottle of Purell and cleans her hands. CLARA (CONT'D) (INTO PHONE) Thanks Mom. I really appreciate it. FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Mrs. Foster? Clara turns to see Ollie's teacher, the tight buttoned MRS. CARDIGAN, 45, walking toward her in the parking lot. CLARA Oh, that's Ollie's teacher. I'll see you later. Clara hangs up her phone and greets Mrs. Cardigan with a warm smile. CLARA (CONT'D) I've been meaning to tell you that you can just call me Clara, Mrs. Cardigan. MRS. CARDIGAN I'd prefer Mrs. Foster. Boundaries matter. CLARA 1Ï¿½1 OK... MRS. CARDIGAN Can we speak a moment? Alone? CLARA Sure, sure. Ollie, go to the car. As Ollie does, Clara turns back to Mrs. Cardigan. CLARA (CONT'D) Is everything OK? MRS. CARDIGAN Well, I'm afraid not. Oliver's been antagonizing the girls in the class a great deal lately. Especially Jenny Diggs. CLARA Really? Oh no. Why do you think that's happening? MRS. CARDIGAN I'm going to leave that to you and your nd to figure out. But beyond that, ,i: overall attitude these days is just... sub par. E (MORE) 14. MRS. CARDIGAN (CONT'D) His penmanship is sloppy. He lacks motivation and tries to just "get by" o assignments. You know, this is a very competitive school, Mrs. Foster. In my opinion, maybe you should consider whether this is really the right environment for him. CLARA (beat, stunned) Uh... wow. OK. Mrs. Cardigan starts away. Clara climbs into the car, watching Mrs. Cardigan. CLARA (CONT'D) (under her breath) Wow. What a bitch. OLLIE Did you just call Mrs. Cardigan a bitch? CLARA (remembering Ollie's in the BACK) No. OL LIE Yeah you did. Â¢ CLARA I didn't. I really didn't. Clara quickly pulls out. CAR PORT - LATER Phil SQUEEZES out of his drivers seat with folders full of RESEARCH. As he walks toward the house he spots the TONS of room on the other side of Clara's car and shakes his head. PHIL Unbelievable! INT. OLLIE'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Still carrying his research, Phil peeks in on Ollie, who packs a suitcase. PHIL Hey buddy. Finally moving out? I gotta tell you it's about time. OLLIE 0 I'm going to Nana's tonight. 15. PHIL On a school night? Why? OLLIE (SHRUGS) Mom says you guys are going out. PHIL Tonight? What? No. (CALLS OUT) Clara? INT. PHIL AND CLARA'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Phil marches into the bedroom. PHIL Clara? Cl- He stops in the doorway as he spots her. Made up in an evening dress in front of a full length mirror, Clara looks STUNNING as she finishes putting an earring on. PHIL (CONT'D) Wow. Wow. Clara tns and smiles. IS CLARA I thought I could take you out to celebrate you finally getting that report in. A romantic dinner downtown like the old days, and teen... (raises :,er eyebrows) Ollie's going to stay at Mom's so we have the house all to ourselves. All night. PHIL Wow... It sounds... great. CLARA Great! She turns back and continues getting ready. PHIL It's just... is there any chance we coul take a rain check? CLARA (TURNS) A "rain check"? PHIL Yeah. Unfortunately I really need to do a bit of work tonight. E 16. CLARA I thought all the cramming was for this report today. Did something go wrong? PHIL (BEAT) Uh, no. Nothing like that. I just decided I could play with it a little more. Make it a little better. Clara takes him in a moment. CLARA Oh. OK. Controlling herself, Clara starts putting her jewelry back in the case. PHIL Listen, I'm sorry... CLARA You don't need to apologize, Phil. PHIL Listen, if I had more warning- E C Then something else would have come up. You know it. That's the thing, Phil. We used to do things on the spur of the moment all the time. Even after Ollie was born. Now we never do anything together. They stare at each other, then Phil breaks PHIL Listen... any other night. CLARA OK. Maybe another time. Let me just get out of this and call my Mom then. As Clara heads into the closet, Phil looks after her, feeling terrible. About to leave, he notices that around the room, Clara's SET UP CANDLES in anticipation of their romantic night. He looks down again at the papers in his hand and sucks in, conflicted. INT. CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER As Clara starts to take her dress off, Phil scoots past her, humming to himself. She looks over to see him choosing a tie and jacket from his side. Clara looks him, still unsure. 17. PHIL That dress really wasn't playing fair, Clara. With a smile, Clara watches Phil tie his tie. PHIL (CONT'D) Well get a move on, girl! She zips her dress back up. A DOORBELL RINGS. INT. RUTH'S FRONT DOOR RUTH, Clara's mother, opens her front door and brightens. RUTH (to Clara and Ollie) Hey sweeties. (SUDDENLY COLD) Phil. PHIL Ruth. RUTH Nana rented us a special treat tonight before bed, Ollie! The Wizard of Oz! PHIL, Wow. Wizard of Oz. Don't you think that's a little scary for a 5 year old? RUTH (not looking at him) No, Phil, I don't. PHIL OK... not so sure about that. RUTH PHIL Clara? What do you think? RUTH (putting her pressure on) Yeah, Clara. What do you think? 18. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE Phil's flustered as he and Clara head out the door towards Phil's car. CLARA I'm sorry, Phil. I just felt like she's doing us a favor tonight. PHIL fine. Fine. oust as they climb into the car, Clara stops. CLARA You know, I should pee before we go. PHIL (BEAT) OK. Sure. As Clara runs back to Ruth's house, Phil plops down in the driver's seat. PHIL (CONT'D) I'll just wait in the car as you go back E inside to pee. Again. EXT. EISENHOWER PARKWAY - SUNSET As the sun sets, Phil and Clara sit in BUMPER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC. It extends for MILES toward the center of the city. CAR - S Phil turns on the air conditioner and adjusts the vents. PHIL You gotta almost feel sorry for Mayor Diggs. Tries to widen all the highways to get reelected, but all everyone's going to remember when it's time to vote is all this mess. CLARA SHIVERS CLARA You're hot? PHIL Yeah. That's why I turned on the air. 19Â® E CLAPA OHM Clara shuts the passenger side vents which causes AIR to GUST out of Phil's vents, into his face. He glances at Clara, oblivious, then reaches over and turns down the air. CLARA (CONT'D) You know, Mrs. Cardigan told me today that Ollie's been antagonizing his daughter. PHIL Antagonizing? How does a five year old "antagonize?" I'm sure she wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't "the Mayor's daughter." CL She also went on that Ollie's penmanship's sloppy and he's not motivated enough. PHIL (trying to make a joke of Got all my best traits, huh? He looks over to see that Clara looks out of the wiF n,, not responding - a response in itself. He sucks in. PHIL (CONT'D) I think he's fine. CLARA She actually had the gall to suggest we should think about sending him somewhere else. PHIL Maybe she's right if the school has that kind of attitude. Clara's about to object bit stops herself and takes a breath, playing affection-.-ely with the back of Phil's hair. CL RA You know what? All we ever end up talking about is Ollie or work. Let's just focus on us tonight. PHIL SMILES) Great. I'm all for tha Beat. They sit in silence in the traffic. Ga. CLARA So what are you thinking about? PHIL Right now? Traffic. CLARA Oh. Well, I heard this unbelievable story from Jane today. PHIL Yeah? CLARA She has this old classmate who went into labor with her second child the other day. She's totally healthy and everything's normal with the pregnancy. So she goes into labor and walks into the emergency room, and the second the nurses and attendants see her come in, they go into a panic and start yelling A,LA! ATMiA! AMA! PHIL What's AMA? CLARA Advanced Maternal Age! PHIL (CHUCKLES) No! You've got to be joking me! CLARA kid you not! PHIL That's unbelievable! CLARA I know. Beat. Clara looks out the window. CLARA (CONT'D) The funny thing is she's my age, actually. Suddenly, Phil's smile fades as he realizes the possible ulterior motive. PHIL Huh. S 21. E Clara picks up on his change and figures out what he's thinking. A bit flustered, she opens her vents again. Phil looks over at her. PHIL (CONIT'B) I thought you were cold. CLARA I was, but then you turned it down and I got hot. PHIL But I turned it down because... you see when you open and close your vents it makes my... never mind. Phil reaches over and turns up the air again. Tapping his fingers on the wheel with a sigh, he gets fed up, suddenly veering the car to the shoulder and speeding toward the exit. CL AAA What are you doing? PHIL I'm just gonna take a shortcut. CLARA Phil, please don't. You think they're shortcuts but they always take longer. And we're already- PHIL Clara, please just trust me, OK They zoom ahead for a moment in silence. Frustrated, Clara shuts her vents, once again sending a POWERFUL GUST OF COLD AIR onto Phil's face. Biting his tongue, he just leaves it blowing on him as they drive. INT. THE SIGNATURE ROOM Phil and Clara rush off the elevator and enter the Signature Restaurant on the 95t Flcor of the John Hancock Center, with dramatic s- Lng views over skyline of downtown Chicago and Lake Michigan. PHIL I promise you it wouldn't have been any faster. I promise! OK, Phil. Will you just tell them we're here? I'm gonna go pee. 1Ï¿½1 22. PHIL Now? CLARA What? PHIL Nothing. As Clara hurries off, Phil, shaking his head, makes his way through the crowds to the SUPERMODEL HOSTESS. SUPERMODEL HOSTESS Good evening. Welcome to the Signature Room. PHIL Thanks. The name is Foster. SUPERMODEL HOSTESS Foster... Oh, I'm sorry. We just had give away your table. PHIL You gave away our table? We're just ten minutes late! SUPERMODEL HOSTESS E AD SERIOUS) Actually, you're 11 minutes late. PHIL (STUNNED) OK. But don't you guys have, like, some kind of grace period or something? SUPERMODEL HOSTESS have an eight minute grace period. PHIL You have an eight minute grace period? How did you come up with an eight minute grace period? SUPERMODEL HOSTESS (SHRUGS) I just work here, PHIL So what if someone's 9 minutes late? SUPERMODEL HOSTESS We're allowed to give a two minute grace on the grace. 23. PHIL OK. Which adds up to ten minutes! We're 11 minutes late. That's just one minute later than the grace on the grace. SUPERMODEL HOSTESS I'm sorry sir, but management specifically said no grace on the grace on the grace. After ten minutes, we send a host around calling your name and if there's no answer, we give the table away. Sorry. PHIL So how long's the wait for another table? SUPERMODEL HOSTESS Well, let's see... Phil looks on as the Supermodel Hostess runs her finger down a LONG LIST OF WRITE-IN NAMES. As she turns to the next page... PHIL Oh boy. INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Even the bathroom has sweeping views of Chicago. As Clara leaves a bathroom stall, she notices a NERVOUS YOUNG WOMAN washing her face over and over. A knock and a SLICK LOOKING MAN quickly peeks his head in the Women's room. SLICK LOOKING MAN We've gotta leave now. (SPOTTING CLARA) Whoops. Sorry. CLARA It's OK. The Nervous Woman quickly leaves the bathroom with the Man. Clara looks after them a second, then washes her hands. INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER Clara finds Phil at the bar, downing handfuls of peanuts. CLARA How lc= -until they seat us? 24. PHIL Two hours. They gave away our reservation. Peanut? CLARA What?!? Did you tell them that we hit traffic? PHIL They wouldn't care, Clara. If they call your name at the bar and you don't answer, they give your table away. So how about a nut? A YOUNG HOST (not the Hostess) mills around the bar. YOUNG HOST GALE PARTY? Clara sighs, frustrated. CLARA I mean, did you try something like telling her it was our anniversary, or my birthday, or slipping her some money- PHIL Oh, I see. Lying and graft were the answer! Clara shakes her head, then notices the YOUNG HOST searching for the party and starts focusing on him instead of Phil as she thinks. YOUNG HOST GALE PARTY? PHIL I'm sure if you had been there instead of peeing again you would have done it better. YOUNG HOST GALE PARTY? CLARA (WATCHING HOST) PHIL You're not even listening to me, are you? CLARA (repeats, still watching) Yeah I am. You're sure if I had been there instead of peeing again I would have done it better. 25 Clara, Just because you can repeat the words I say doesn't mean you're- YOUNG HOST LAST CALL! GALE- CLARA Sorry! We're right here! PHIL Wait. What are you doing? CLARA Shhh! The Young Host approaches. YOUNG HOST Gale party of three? CLARA The third's running a little going to start without them. YOUNG HOST eat. Follow me. Phil shoots Clara a look, but she ignores it. He falls into line after her as she follows the Young Host to th restaurant. INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SIGNATURE ROOM - MOMENTS LA hields his face as they pass the Supermodel Hos at the Greeting Station. The Young Host leads them secluded table right by the windows - THE BEST TABLE THE RESTAURANT. YOUNG HOST (handing them menus) Enjoy your dinner. The Young, Host leaves. CLARA See? Was that so hard to do, Phil? bad to be the Gales, eh? Clara opens her menu as looks nervously around the restaurant. CLARA (CONT'B) Look Phil! It's white truffle season! I'm totally doing it! 26. E PHIL We can't do this, Clara. CLARA I'm taking you out. PHIL Not the truffles. (DEAD SERIOUS) This is stealing. CLARA (CHUCKLES) Stealing? You're kidding, right. PHIL We're not the Gales. CL ARA So? You said yourself - if you don't answer at the bar they give your table away. PHIL Well, what if they show up now? N CLAR 2 u get spanked' PHIL I'm serious! CLARA (SIGHS SADLY) I don't know. What if they do, Phil? Clara picks up her menu and reads, shaking her head. PHIL What? CLARA It's just... I don't know. You used to be the one who would think up stuff like this all the time. This hits Phil. He takes in his wife reading the menu for a beat. PHIL You know what? You're absolutely right. Clara lowers her menu and they look at each other for what feels like the first time tonight. PHIL (CONT'D) I'm sorry, Mrs. Gale. 27. E CLARA (SMILES) It's OK, Mr. Gale. And might I add you look very handsome tonight? PHIL You're not looking too shabby yours Mrs. Gale. GRUFF VOICE (O.S.) Mr. Gale? They turn, surprised, to see TWO BURLY MEN in suits at their table. The Older of the two politely speaks to them. OLDER BURLY MAN We need to have a word with you both. CLARA What's this about? OLDER BURLY MAN k you know what this is about. you could please come with us. PHIL N Why can't we talk here? u OLDER BURLY 'MAN (beat, smiles) I think it would save everyone a lot of embarrassment. (gestures with hand) Please... The Younger Burly Man comes behind Clara's chair to pull it out. Getting up, Phil shoots Clara an "I told you so" look as he follows the older Burly Man through the restaurant toward the kitchen doors, the Younger Burly Man walking behind them with Clara. INT. BACK KITCHEN AREA - MOMENTS LATER The Burly Man leads them through the kitchen. A WAITER stops, surprised. WAITER Can I help you? OLDER s _ ï¿½'LY MAN Nah. We're fine Â® Walking to the rear service elevator, the Older Burly Man pushes the down button. The elevator opens. 28. PHIL Whoa. Wait a minute. Where are we going? OLDER BURLY MAN Get in, please. The Younger Burly Man coming up behind them crowds them into the elevator. CLARA Hey! Jesus! The elevator doors shut and the older Burly Man pushes the G Floor then nods to his partner. They reach in their pockets. PHIL Listen, this is all getting out of hand, OK? I admit we maybe did something a teeny bit wrong, but- Suddenly, they grab Phil and Clara, putting HANDKERCHIEFS over their noses and mouths. Phil and Clara veil and struggle for a moment, then PASS OUT. E CLOSEUP ON PHIL'S NOSE An AMMONIA STICK waves back and forth under Phil's nose and he startles awake, disoriented, to see he's TIED TO A CHAIR in the middle of a GIGANTIC MEAT LOCKER. A VIDEO CAMERA on a tripod aims at their faces and across the room, the Younger Burly Man sorts through items from Clara's purse and Phil's wallet scattered all over the table. PHIL Whoa. What the hell is this? Tied in the chair next to him, Clara jumps as the Older Burly Man waves the stick under her nose. CLARA (FREAKED) Phil?!? What's going on? PHIL I don't know. A VOICE speaks from a speakerphone on the table SPEAKERPHONE The chloroform may make you feel dizzy for a few moments, but it will go away. 29. U Phil takes in what's going on, freaked. PHIL Listen... you can just have all our money, OK? Whatever's there, it's yours. We're not looking to cause problems or put up any kind fight. We'll just walk away and not report anything, OK? All we want is for you to let us go unharmed. SPEAKERPHONE We need to discuss your little stunt tonight first, Mr. and Mrs. "Gale." Or should we say... what is it Harry? HARRY, the Younger Burly Man reads Phil and Clara's IDs, which he's grabbed off of them. HARRY Phil and Clara Foster. PHIL (BEAT) That's what this is abo SPEAKERPHONE else would it be about, Mr. Foster (BEAT) Wait. `'This a joke, right? Some funny little bald guy's gonna jump out and scare us and say, "Gotcha!" or somethi OK, where is he? Where's that guy? SPEAKERPHONE You think this is a joke? Phil looks at the faces of the two thugs. No one's joking. PHIL (STUNNED) No. Are you insane?!? You don't drug people and tie them up for that! This i I just- I hope you know this is gonna go way beyond a shitty review in Za I'm seriously pissed off! INT. DARK BACK ROOM SHADOWY FIGURE talks on a phone as he looks at a screen showing Phil and Clara in chairs. E 30. 1Ï¿½1 SPEAKERPHONE Yes. Well, I'm a little upset as well, Mr. Foster. And confused. It would help me to know why a couple like the two of you would try to pull something like this. T NT. WAREHOUSE Phil's now getting really annoyed. PHIL You must be kidding! Like a million people don't do it every single night of the week! This is unbelievable! I'm just in shock here! Harry and Frank look at each other, puzzled. SPEAKERPHONE I enjoy your humor, Mr. Foster. Now why don't you start by telling me how you got into the Rainbow to set it uD- PHIL "Into the Rainbow?" What the hell's that? Restaurant code? LJ SPEAKERPHONE -and then you can tell me where the photos are that you arranged to bring tonight. PHIL Photos? Clara figures out what's happened. CLARA Wait a minute. I think there's been a really big mistake here. We're not the Gales. SPEAKERPHONE know you're not the Gales. PHIL They know we're not the Gales. Don't you get it! CLARA No, Phil. I think they think we're actually "the Gales" who made the reservation tonight. 31. PHIL (REALIZING) Ohhhhhh. Oh. No. She's right. We're not those Gales. You've got the wrong people. Really. SPEAKERPHONE Then why were you two at the Gales' table, Mr. Foster? PHIL OK, listen, what happened is we lost our reservation and when the host came around yelling the Gales' name and no one answered, my wife said that we were them. I swear on my life to you that's what happened. SPEAKEFP IC You're saying you just took someone else's reservation you didn't know? That's what you want me to believe? PHIL I know that seems really weird. Listen, I agree, that's what I said to her. FRANK One problem with your story. When I came over to the table - and you guys were all alone - you were still calling each other Gale. PHIL That was just... we were... no, you don't understand... SPEAKERPHONE We'll need to move things along, Frank. With a nod, Frank reaches into his pockets, slowly taking out a GUN and a handful of BULLETS. He loads the gun as Phil and Clara watch. PHIL Wait a minute. What's going on? CLAW I don't t don't like this. Clicking the loaded gun, Frank and Harry both come toward Phil and Clara. 1Ï¿½1 32. SPEAKERPHONE If in ten seconds you don't tell us where the photos are, you lose a knee, Mr. Foster. Ten more seconds, you lose another. Then we go to your wife. PHIL Please! You can't do this! We're not lying! SPEAKERPHONE One... two... three... four... Frank clicks the loaded gun at Phil's knee. PHIL Oh Jesus. Don't do it! SPEAKERPHONE Five... six... seven... eight... PHIL Jesus! CLARA OK FINE! FINE! YOU WIN! YOU CAN HAVE THE GODDAMN PHOTOS! Â¢ Everyone looks over. Phil's surprised. CLARA (CONT'D) But we can't just tell you where they are. We have to take you to them. EXT. WAREHOUSE DISTRICT - A LITTLE LATER In the middle of the deserted warehouse district, Clara and Phil exit the meat packing plant behind Frank, who carries Clara's purse, Harry holding a gun as he follows them. As they head toward a Towncar, Frank throws the keys back to Harry. FRANK You drive with her in front. PHIL (WHISPERS) So what's your plan here? CLARA (WHISPERS) I don't have a plan Phil. PHIL (WHISPERS) You don't have a plan? 33. CLARA E (WHISPERS) No. I was just trying to keep our knees for the time being. PHIL (WHISPERS) Well, if we end up in that car with them we're as good as dead. FRANK Quiet! CLARA (WHISPERS) Well, any time you want to help... PHIL (WHISPERS) What's that supposed to mean? FRANK I said quiet! They continue walking toward the Iowncar, Phil thin ing hard. Suddenly, his expression changes and he star s weaving dizzily, putting his hand to his forehead. CLARA Phil? He drops to the ground. PHIL Whoa. CLARA Phil? What is it? PHIL I'm... not feeling so great... HARRY 's wrong with him? CL: I don't know. PHIL (BREATHING HARD) I didn't... eat dinner and when I don't my blood sugar... Hypoglycemic... CLARA You're not hypoglycemic. Phil shoots Clara a quick LOOK OF 34. CLARA (CONT'D) (CATCHING ON) You're diabetic! You never get the terms right, Phil! Oh no! This is bad, guys. PHIL I just can't... go any further. Harry and Frank look at each other, not sure what to do. HARRY Should we call Mr. Stockton? FRANK Don't say his name, you idiot! HARRY Sorry! I was just- FRANK We'll just throw him in the back and have her show us. hey move over to pick up Phil. Clara thinks fast. CLARA Wait! In my purse there's a Luna Bar. If you give it to me I can find it for him. With a sigh, Frank hands Clara her purse. She rummages inside... and quickly WHIPS OUT her MINI 409 SPRAY, spritzing Frank right in the eyes. With a shriek, he falls back grabbing his face and dropping his gun. Clara makes a dash and grabs it. As Frank blindly lunges after her, she KNEES HIM IN THE BALLS. He collapses on the ground, whimpering in pain. She spins and points the gun at Harry. CLARA (CONT'D) Drop the gun and the keys. PHIL oa! Clara! No Harry drops them, raising his hands. Phil gets up and grabs the gun and keys, then awkwardly hits Harry as hard as he can on the back of the neck with the butt of the gun. Harry looks at him, confused. HARRY Ow! Why, man? 35. E PHIL Sorry. i was trying to knock you out. HARRY Why, PHIL ought that's what you do when- CLARA Phil! Just c'mon! PHIL USHING OFF) Sorry. Befuddled, Phil meets Clara at the car and they climb in and speed away. PHIL (V.0.) (CONT'D) OK, let me just start from the very beginning... INT. POLICE STATION INTERVIEW ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Phil excitedly chatters next to Clara at a table in an interrogation room in the police station. Across the table, a YOUNG POLICE OFFICER takes their statement PHIL We got to the restaurant late because we hit all this traffic on the highway- CL AAA the shortcut. PHIL What? CLARA UGS) I just think we might have made it on time if we stayed on the highway. Your shortcuts end up being long cuts most o the time. (BEAT) OK, are you going to tell the Policeman or and I gonna tell him? CLARA You can tell him. PHIL Because you always interrupt me when I try to tell stories, and every time you do it disrupts my flow. CLARA Fine, you tell it. I won't say another word. PHIL Fine. (BEAT) See, now I've totally lost where I was. CLARA AND YOUNG POLICEMAN You got to the restaurant late- PHIT Yeah. Even using my shortcut which, by the way, was a shortcut - and they gave away our reservation. So we were at the bar and the host was calling out for these other people over and over- CLARA Which is what they do right before they cancel a reservation anyway. PHIL I thought you said you weren't going to interrupt me, Clara. C I just want him to understand we weren't really "stealing" someone else's RESERVATI Across the table, the Young Police officer, eyebrows raised, watches Phil and Clara volley back and forth. PHIL Do you think he really cares, Clara? were just kidnapped, CHLOROFORMED and almost shot! I don't think he's going turn around and book us for reservation theft! Am I right? YOUNG POLIO OFFICER Please. Go on. PHIL So all of a sudden Clara yells out that we're these other people. YOUNG POLICEMAN (SURPRISED) You just took someone else's reservation? 37. PHIL Yeah. I know! Even the guy on the speakerphone couldn't believe it! CLARA You two kinda bonded over that, didn't you? PHIL We didn't "bond" over it. I'm just saying, speakerphone guy obviously thought it was weird to do. YC JG POLICEMAN Guys, you lost We were in the restaurant. CLARA (IGNORING HIM) Ah, you mean the speakerphone guy who's kidnapped and drugged us thinks it's weird to do so it's weird to do? YOUNG POLICEMAN Guys? You're new "buddy." PHIL Oh c'mon! And we found out speakerphone guy's name, Phil. It's Mr. Stockton. The Young Policeman looks up, interested. OF FTCER Mr. Stockton? Hold on a minute. The Officer dials an extension on the phone. OFFICER C'-D) Lieutecant Manning? ï¿½eeird story. Havea couple '.n here who claim --o have escaped a kid- 7-ng this evening and the name Stockt came up. OK. Will do. He hangs up. OFFICER (CONT'D) Lieutenant Manning likes to be notified ere's anything involving Mr. n. 38. E PHIL Wait. So you already know about this guy? You know who he is? A knock at the door and a handsome man in his late 40's, LIEUTENANT MANNING, enters the room with a smile. He reaches over and shakes their hands. LIEUTENANT MANNING How do you do. Lieutenant Manning. The Officer offers him his note pad. LIEUTENANT MANNING (CONT'D) Nah, as long as they're here might as well get everything from the horse's mouth, right? As the Officer heads out of the room, Lieutenant Manning sidles down into his seat. LIEUTENANT MANNING (CONT'D) Can I get you guys anything to drink? Coffee? Water? Maybe a shot or two of r whiskey? 1 1 PHIL That sounds more like LIEUTENANT MANNING So why don't you tell me all about your incident with Mr. Stockton. PHIL You tell it, Clara. CLARA Oh, don't be like that, Phil. Please. LIEUTENANT MANNING Guys... you've obviously been through something traumatic tonight. Thankfully it's over and you're both safe and sound. Maybe you should cut each other a little bit more of a break. Phil and Clara look at each other, each letting out air. Manning's right. PHIL Seriously, Clara. You tell him. CJ __ Well, we never a. t_::ally "met" Stockton. (MORE) 39. CLARA (CONT`B) He was in another room on a speakerphone where these guys who kidnapped us took us. But he was obviously the one pulling the strings. PHIL Who is this Stockton guy anyway? LIEUI N'T' MANNING (WRITING) Let me fill you in on all that later. Now, why would he have wanted to kidnap you two? CLARA Honestly, you wouldn't believe this, but it's because we sat down at the wrong table tonight for dinner. LIEUTENANT MANNING (looks up, interest Really? The wrong table? CLARA We pretended to be someone else who didn't show up for their reservations. My idea. And it turned out that these people must have something this Mr. Stockton wants. 1Ï¿½1 LIEUTENANT MANNING Do you know what? CLARA (SHRUGS) Photos. Lieutenant looks up, interested, then writes again. LIEUTENANT MANNING That's all you know? Phil and Clara look at each other. Nod. LIEUTENANT MANNING- (CONT'D) OK. I'm just confused about one thing. When you took this other reservation, how did you know for sure that the real Gales weren't going to show up late? CLARA (BEAT) Excuse me? ENANT MANNING How were you so sure the Gales weren going to show up if you don't know the at all? Clara looks down at the table, furrowing her brow. PHIL Clara? CLARA Sorry. I... I lost my train of thought. PHIL Well, I can pick things up then. Phil notices Clara giving him a LOOK. PHIL (CONT'D) What? Why are you looking at me like that? CLARA (intensifying the look) I'm not looking at you like anything. doesn't pick up on it. Shrugs. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL OK, well, I had the same question for her when we sat down, which she thought was CRAZY- Rubbing her forehead, Clara KICKS Phil's leg HARD under the table. PHIL (CONT'D) OW! Jesus! Clara stink-eyes Phil AGAIN, trying to get the message across. PHIL (CONT'D) And there's that look again! CLARE? look! No. Looking. At all. RINGING. Lieutenant Manning reaches into his jacket pocket and checks the number on the cellphone. He hops up. LIEUTENANT MANNING Can you excuse me a moment? 41. E utenant Manning gets up and exits the room. Clara does to the window in the door and watches him walk down the hall to his office as he talks on the phone. Phil puts his leg on the table, pulling up his pant leg to inspect. PHIL OK, I'm not dense, Clara. That was not an accident and if those weren't looks- CLARA Phil, we're in trou PHIL What are you talking about? CLARA He's in on this. He's got something to do with it. PHIL The police guy? Clara, that's tota PARANOID- CLARA never told him about the Gale PHIL What do you mean? CLARA He said, "How did you know the Gales weren't coming." I never told him that was the name of the reservation we PHIL be I said it to the other CLARA He didn't take the other notes, Phil. Remember? s hil as well. PHIL Oh God. CLARA How do we get out of here? INT. ING'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Manning talks in his off ice. 42. E LIEUTENANT MANNING Uh huh. I know you don't. It will be contained. Right now. Hanging up the phone, Manning walks quickly back through the police station to the interview room. He stops in the doorway... .it's EMPTY. Confused, he turns to an OFFICER outside at the desk. LIEUTENANT MANNING (CONT'D) Where'd they go? OFFICER They said you were done with them. Manning walks quickly back to his office. Sitting behind his desk, Manning enters a password on his computer and starts typing out an ALL POINTS BULLETIN. We are CLOSE UP on the computer screen as the words come UP ALL LOCAL AND FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT... PHIL AND CLARA FOSTER... FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE... ARMED AND DANGEROUS. INT. TOWNCAR - LATE Clara drives as Phil scans the rearview mirror from the passenger seat. CLARA We can't just go to another police station, Phil! We don't know how big this is! It might not just be Manning! PHIL Well then we're screwed! Who do we go to? The FBI? The CIA? CLARA (SHAKES HEAD) They're not going to believe us over a Police Lieutenant! (REALIZING) Shit. This is their car, Phil. We gotta lose it too. Searching the street, Clara spots a OPEN PARKING SPACE. She whips the wheel around, trying to parallel park into the space. 43. RÏ¿½ U PHIL You've got it, Clara. Spin it back now! CLARA just let me do it, She spins too late and too severely, hitting the curb. CLARA (CONT'D) Dammit! I hate this! PHIL It's all right. You just should have spun it when I told you to. Flustered, she pulls back out and tries again. PHIL (CONT'D) rn! Quick! CLARA Would you stop it? You're stressing me out! Angry, Clara whips the car back into the spot, NAILING the car behind them and setting off a loud CAR ALARM WITH FLASHING LIGH` Â¢ Hearing the alarm, a LARGE MAN rushes out of a restaurant nearby, looking at them. LARGE MAN Hey! You just hit my The Large Man stomps toward them. PHIL Run! Phil and Clara get out of the car and run away on The Large Man marches over and inspects his bumpe yells after them. L Assholes! EY INS LAT They catch their breath in the alley. OK. So we've got no car. They know where we live. So where can we- (REALIZES SOMETHING) shit. 0 44. Clara's eyes go wide as it hits her as well. CLARA Ollie. Phil takes out his cellphone and quickly dials, listening as Ruth PICKS UP. RUTH (PHONE) Hello? Suddenly, GUNSHOTS RING OUT over the phone. PHIL Oh God! Ruth! Is everything OK? RUTH (PHONE) No it's not, Phil! PHIL What's wrong? RUTH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Feet up, Ruth eats Fiddle Waddle as she watches an action- packed CHASE SCENE on TV. Â¢ RUTH It's CSI night! Call after 11! Ruth hangs up the phone, shaking her head, and takes another mouthful of Fiddle Fiddle. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS Phil looks at the phone, incredulous. CLARA What's wrong? PHIL (STUNNED) CSI CLARA What? Just call her again and tell her what's happened! Phil dials the number again. Ruth picks up. PHIL Ruth, I need you to listen. We've SITUATION HERE- 45. INT. RUTH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS RUTH We sure do Phil! We sure do! Ruth slams the phone down and pulls out the phone cord so she won't be bothered again. EXT. ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER Clara tries on her phone, then hangs up, frustrated. CLARA Great, Phil. Now she's not picking up at all! PHIL You think this is my fault, don't you? T - ft (SIGHS) No. I just don't know why you two can't get along is all. PHIL You know, your Mom shows me no respect, 0 Clara. And you just pretend like it isn't happening. CLARA So you think it's j1y fault. Listen, Phil. Every single other boyfriend I ever dated got along with her just- (REALIZING) Wait a minute! Holbrooke Peterson! PHIL What? Clara starts looking through her purse for her phone. CLARK Holbrooke Peterson does something hush hush with the FBI! I think he even lives down here. PHIL Holbrooke Peterson? You mean the tongue guy? CLARA What? 46. PHIL Holbrooke was your prom date who you said had the really long tongue, right? CLARA (GIGGLES' ) Oh yeah. (catching herself, shrugs CASUALLY) Uh, yeah... something like that... She finds her phone and dials. PHIL Since when have you been in touch with Holbrooke Peterson? CLARA (SHRUGS) We found each other on FacebookÂ® PHIL Facebook? I didn't know you were on Facebook! CLARA It's a networking thing for work. Everyone's on Facebook. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL 0 yeah? Who else are you "in touch" h on Facebook? CLARA O PHONE) Hello? Holbrooke? Thank God you're there. It's Clara Foster... INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER THAT NIGHT HOLBROOKE PETERSON, a thoroughbred of a man in his mid- 30's, opens the door to his candlelit apartment with a smile to find Phil and Clara. HOLBROOKE Wow! Clara! You look exactly the same CLARA So do you! He gives her a big, tight hug, lifting her a little. HOLBROOKE You feel exactly the same too. Phil double-takes. Did he hear him right? 47. R1 U CLARA This is my husband, Phil. HOLBROOKE Ah! The man who actually landed Clara. Holbrooke gives Phil the up and down with a winning smile and holds out his hand. HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) Philly Cheese Steak. Nice to meet you. PHIL Um... yeah... I don't go by... it's 1 - usL Phil. Nice to meet you, too. HOLBROOKE Well, c'mon in. If you don't mind, take off your shoes. CLA. A Oh.Sure. HOLBROOKE Cutsdown on the cleaning. Which cuts downon the use of all those chemicals andplastics, blab blah blah. Reduces my CF. PHIL CF? HOLBROOKE Carbon footprint. PHIL Oh. The environmental thing. HOLBROOKE (CHUCKLES) Yeah, the "environmental thing," Phil. As they walk into the apartment in their socks, they notice the whole place is filled with reclaimed and recycled furniture and LIT WITH CANDLES. CLARA How beautiful. Or, the candles... Did we ERRUPT SOMETHING- Oh, no. I jus-_. --'-D.> myself off the gr a few weeks ago. PHI The grid? 48. 1Ï¿½1 HOLBROOKE Power grid. I actually have a negative carbon footprint now. Making up for, you know, all you "Phil"-i-stines in the suburbs. Holbrooke chuckles. Phil's about to say something when a look from Clara reminds him to bite his lip. Holbrooke gestures to some cardboard furniture. HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) So have a seat. Holbrooke starts to sit down himself, then makes a show of taking a LARGE GUN out of his shoulder holster and putting it on the table. PHIL Whoa. You carry that around at home? HOLBROOKE Yeah. I'm supposed to sleep with her under my pillow. (SHRUGS) Wish I didn't have to, but I just see it as... I carry the weight so citizens like yourselves don't have to. 1Ï¿½1 CLARA It's so funny. I always knew you'd end up doing something in public service. HOLBROOKE (SHRUGS HUMBLY) I don't know. That's lust how I Phil looks to Clara - can you get a load of this guy, but Clara's focused on Holbrooke. HOLBROOKE (V.0.) (CONT'D) Yeah, unfortunately, Terrence Stockton is not a man you want to get on the wrong side of. INT. HOLBROOKE'S LIVING ROOM - LATER Phil watches as Holbrooke licks the salt allllll the wav around his Margarita glass with his extra long tongue. Clara listens intently, eating some jicama slices from a platter on the table in front of them. HOLBROOKE He's like a Nicaraguan turtle - keeps his head deep in his shell unless he absolutely has to stick it out. Those photos must be really important to him. (MORE) 49. HOLBROOKE (COIN" D ) (NOTICING) 1Ï¿½1 More jicama, Clara? And sure no Margari-La to calm your nerves? CLARA No thanks, I'm Holbrooke picks up the plate and Margarita glass, then crosses to his INDOOR COMPOSTER, adding the extra liquid and scraps. CLARA (CONT'D) What does Stockton do? HOLBROOKE Officially, he runs a bunch of these exclusive private clubs downtown where his high powered friends go to let their hair down. Has one place called Le Passage, another called The Rainbow- CLARA e Rainbow! Stockton asked how we there to set things up! HOLBROOKE (NODS) Interesting. I've had some of my guys looking into Stockton for years, but nothing ever sticks to him. He's very careful - ties up his loose ends and covers his tracks. But with this... he might have accidentally left himself open. (BE The th need to do now is keep you two safe. I'm going to call the office, put you under some protection until we figure out the best game CLARA Should we be worried about our s HOLBROOKE (shakes his head) Wouldn't be Stockton's pattern to risk ing this any larger than it is. Where is he? CLARA I s staying at my m HOLBROOKE (SMILES WARMLY) Aw, how is Ruth? Always thought the world of her. 1Ï¿½1 50. CLARA And she of you. As it comes out of her mouth, Clara realizes and guiltily looks over at Phil BRISTLING. Holbrooke goes to a pile of already used sheets of paper and picks one up along with a pen. HOLBROOKE I'll just need your full names and your socials so I can get the paperwork started at the bureau. Not yours, Clara. Know that by heart. Both Phil and Clara are taken aback. HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) (CHUCKLES) Just kidding. But I'm sure Phil-a-buster knows 'em both, right? Phil looks on both sides of the paper Holbrooke hands him. PHIL Uh... there's already writing all over this. HOLBROOKE (B IG EYED) Does another tree really need to die for me to get your socials, Phil? Phil bites his tongue yet again, squeezing the writing into a side of the paper. HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) So just one kid, guys? What's keeping you? Clocks ticking Clara - tickety tock tuck. PHIL (WRITING) Yeah, well, that's a topic for another- HOLBROOKE It's just that by now, you and I woulda had a whole brood. PHIL (under his breath) That's... charming. Phil scoots the paper back to Holbrooke, who squints and dramatically turns it sideways. E HOLBROOKE w! Paging Dr. Illegible, egible to Emergency! Holbrooke and Clara burst into laughter. Phil STONEFACEDÂ® HOLBROOKE (CON T ' D ) L.O.L,, right? (thinking he doesn't UNDERSTAND) It's because you're writing's hard to read, Phil, and everyone knows how when doctors write things down- PHIL No. Yeah. I get it. Holbrook. makes a big show of putting his gun back holster as he gets up. HOLBROOKE We'll have you stay at the bureau for the night. Safer for you. CLARA Thank you so much, Holbrooke. (sighs, relieved) I feel like we're in good hands for the E first time tonight. As Holbrooke goes into the other room to call, Clara lets out a sigh of relief then notices Phil's mood. CLARE What's wrong? PHIL I don't know. Maybe I should have had one of Holbrooke's eeegerag warn raaaarrrrghereeeeetas. !NT. CAR - LATER Clam::- olbrooke in the front seat and Phil crt-- - in t=-ï¿½ back, they pull up and park at the FBI bui Aing m PHIL smells like french fries back here, HOLBROOK' Car runs on cooking oil. I just go around to restaurants and recycle their old fry oil. C 52. CLARA Phil's really had enough with this guy. Your goodness... where does it end? Clara shoots Phil a look he back, but Holbrooke doesn't get his sarcasm. HOLBROOKE (SHRUGS) How I roll. Now for some reason they wanted us to come in the back entrance. He makes a big show of putting his gun back in his shoulder strap before getting out of the car. INT. FBI WINDOW Through the window, we see Holbrooke, Phil, and Clara walking toward the back of the building. In the foreground, A SHADOWY GUY watches them, then whispers into his walkie. SHADOWY GUY Positions. FBI BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Holbrooke uses a KEYCARD on his keychain with a flourish to enter the rear of the building, then leads Phil and Clara through the doors. Suddenly he stops and Phil and Clara FREEZE behind them. At the other end of the hallway, an FBI UNIT in bulletproof gear trains their weapons on the three of them. AGENT #1 in the center, obviously the agent in charge, yells to them. AGENT Continue slowly down the hallway. sudden movements. Are they armed, Peterson? HOLBROOKE Uh, PHIL What the hell's going o HOLBROOKE I don't know. 53. E PHIL Well, tell them to stand down. HOLBROOKE Uh.. . PHIL Tell your men to stand down, Holbrooke. AGENT #1 His men? The Agents look at each other and chuckle. AGENT #2 What do you want us to do, Holbrooke? Reformat our hard drives? AGENT #3 Our badass I.T. guy! The laughter builds. CLARA I. I. guy? HOLBROOKE OK... I'm not the "I.T. guy." I help out E with computer questions out of kindness! But see if that happens anymore, Harold! AGENT #1 Alright, enough. Point is, Agent Peterson scored tonight. When I typed in those socials, an APB shot up with a whole laundry list on these guys. PHIL What? CLARA crooked cop did it! It's a lie! AGENT #1 It's your booking, Peterson. We're Just here to back you up. Holbrooke... Holbrooke looks nervously between the Agents and Phil and Clara. He turns to them, taking Clara's arm. HOLBROOKE Listen guys. I'll just book you and then tomorrow we can straighten the whole- 54. E CLARA (pulling arm away) What? Oh no you're not! Oooohs from the Agents. AGENT #3 You just gonna take that, Peterson? HOLBROOKE (PRESSURED) All right. Didn't want to have to- Holbrooke reaches into his holster to whip out his gun... .but BOBBLES it and it falls to the ground, right at Phil's feet. Looking down, Phil instinctively GRABS IT, holding the gun to Holbrooke's head. PHIL All right! Nobody move or he gets it! Clara's STUNNED. The Agents look at each other, but don't seem overly concerned. AGENT #1 Holbrooke has a gun? Why does he even â¢ have a gun? HOLBROOKE (TO PHIL) Listen, man. I'm not that important. I'm really not. I'm not the IT guy but I'm just one step above him! No reason to do something rash, all right? AGENT #3 You think it's even loaded? A` -. I don't. HOLBROOKE (FREAKED) loaded, guys! It's loaded! PHIL I'm not screwing around! HOLBROOKE He's not screwing around! He's not screwing around! Pulling a terrified Holbrooke, Phil and Clara back toward the rear exit of the building. They try the door, but it's locked. 55. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL Keycard. HOLBROOKE What? A FEW FBI AGENTS He wants your keycard. PHIL Thanks. He and I, the communication isn't great... Getting the keychain from Holbrooke, Phil uses the keycard then lets it fall to the floor as the door unlocks and they back outside. EXT. FBI BUILDING - CONT Phil and Clara back away, keeping Holbrooke between th and the agents. Through the door, Agents slowly creep down the hallway after them, guns trained. HOLBROOKE Seriously, Phil. I'm a bad shield. I promise. CLARA Wow, Phil! Phil feels a little pumped up with Clara's praise. PHIL Just give me your car keys, Holbrooke. When we're about to drive off we'll let you go. HOLBROOKE Uh, they were on the keychain. PHIL What? HOLB'?n`_ The key chain you dre-,~_d with the keycard inside. The keys were on that. And so the hero falls... PHIL Shit. CL AA we'll never outrun them. 56. Searching around, Phil eyes the KEYCARD PANEL outside the entrance. He aims the gun and FIRES, MISSING BADLY. Both he and Holbrooke cover their ears. HOLBROOKE AH! PHIL YOW! Man is that loud! As the Agents run toward the door, Clara quickly grabs the gun from Phil and shoots, nailing the lock. PHIL (CONT'D) (stunned, looks at her) How are you so good at that? The Agents try the door, but are LOCKED IN. Agent #1 tells his men to stand back and tries shooting the glass, but it's BULLETPROOF. He gestures and all the Agents rush around to the front. CLARA gotta get going! Quick! PHIL Where? They both look around, unsure. HOLBROOKE Across the bridge a few blocks down that street there's an entrance to the Green Line subway. Get on it and you can get anywhere in this city. Phil and Clara look at him, confused. PHIL Aren't you supposed to be our hostage? HOLBROOKE (SIGHS) Whatever. I don't know. Sure. What's the difference? I'm never gonna get behind that desk now anyway. my gun! I dropped it in front of everybody! PHIL It wasn't so much of a drop. it was more of a... bobble. CLARA Yeah, a bobble's bad... 57. HOLBROOKE Listen, if you just leave me here I can tell them you ran the other way. It'll buy you time to get there. And maybe I can work on clearing all this up for you. Phil and Clara look at each other, then start to run away. Suddenly Phil stops, thinking. CLARA What? PHIL Let me have the gun. As Clara gives it to him, Phil quickly runs back and hands it to Holbrooke PHIL (CONT'D) Here. Tell them you got it back from us. Holbrooke takes back his aun, grateful. HOLBROOKE Thanks, Phil. As Phil runs back, Clara takes in the nice gesture of husband. EXT RIDGE - A FEW MINUTES LATER A lit up raucous PARTY BOAT in a canal starts to pass under a roadway bridge up ahead as Phil and Clara, trying to stay in the shadows, walk quickly toward it. Phil glances back over their shoulders - the road is DESERTED. PHIL it's just on the other side of that bridge. I think we're going to make it. He notices Clara looking at him. PHIL (COND What? CLARA Nothing. That was just nice of you, back there. (BEAT) This is crazy, but you know what I'm, reminded of right now? PHIL Bourne identity? 58. CLARA I'm talking about right now. When we used to walk home late at night after going downtown to the clubs. We couldn't ever find a cab, remember? We'd grab those "healthy" dogs and cheese fries at the Weiner's Circle and go to the Adler Planetarium to watch the sunrise. PHIL Where I held your hand for the first time. CLARA I can't believe we used to stay up all night like that. PHIL It's because we could sleep 'til noon. CLARA (SMILES SLYLY) If I remember correctly, we weren't always "sleeping." Beat as they share the moment together, walking. PHIL I just don't understand when we got so... I don't know... CLARA Old. PHIL No, I was thinking numb. When did we become one of those couples that we used to look at in restaurants back then and think were so sad? CLARA We're not that bad, Phil. I just think we haven't been that honest with each other recently. Phil doesn't understa CLARA (CONT'D) Not big things. Just little things keep adding up and putting this thing between us. (BEAT) Like the fact I know you never want to talk about us having this other baby. 59. PHIL It's not that I don't want another kid, Clara. It's just... I used to be the whole pie with you. And now with Ollie and your work, I'm barely even a piece of the pie anymore. I'm, like, maybe a pecan on a piece of the pie! So part of me's not jumping at the chance of having the little pecan I have left of your attention going into some new baby's mouth! CLARA But that's crazy, Phil. When you're home you're the one who seems like your hardly even there! It's all about your work. Believe me, if you- Clara suddenly notices a POLICE CAR, lights off, drive past them over the bridge. CLARA (CONT'D) Shit! PHIL I think we're OK. Just play cool and keep walking. The patrol car continues across and down the street. 1ï¿½1 Phil and Clara breathe a sigh of relief. Then suddenly, a few blocks down, BRAKE LIGHTS. The patrol car turns around and TURNS ON ITS LIGHTS, zooming back toward them. PHIL (CONT'D) Now you can say shit. Phil looks around - they're in the middle of the bridge with no place to run. Then he notices the lit up PARTY BOAT coming out the other side of the bridge beneath them. PHIL (CONT'D) e 's only a few feet. CLARA What u high? No way. But looking main at the patrol car speeding toward them, Phil grabs Clara and dashes for the side of the bridge. CLARA (CONT'D) AH! 1Ï¿½1 60. As she's YANKED OVER THE SIDE, Clara CLUTCHES onto the railing. With Phil hanging onto her other arm, they DANGLE above the water and the boat. CLARA (CONT'D Ahhh! Are you CRAZY!?! PHIL Let go, Clara! CLARA A GROUP of DRUNKEN PARTIERS on the boat, spotting them, cheer below. Some even take FLASH PICTURES. Phil looks down - if they don't let go soon they're literally going to miss the boat. PHIL go or I'm going to tickle you! CLARA (DEAD SERIOUS) No you're not, Phil. We have a rule! tickling. I'm not- He reaches up and TICKLES Clara under her arm. She giggles. E CLARA (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Ah! Stop it, Phil! Ah! It's not funny! I mean- Stop it! Ah! Clara can't hold on any longer... EXT. BOAT They land - THUMP! - onto the top deck of the boat, both groaning as they roll back and forth while the Drunken Partiers CHEER and FLASH PHOTOS. PHIL Ow! I think I broke my butt. CLARA OW! OW! Dammit, Phil! What's our rule about tickling? PHIL I'm sorry! I didn't do it for pleasure! What is our rule? 0 61. PHIL (BLANDLY RECITES) "It's only funny if it's funny for the both of us." CLARA Right! And guess what? It wasn't funny for me, Phil! Clara gets up and storms off, clutching her arm. Walking down the side of the boat, she passes a MAN down on one knee in front of an EXCITED WOMAN, who nods, accepting his proposal. CLARA (CONT'D) (MARCHING PAST) B i g mistake! They look at her, stunned. A OTHER PART OF THE BOAT - M0_,'_= -1; LATER Phil limps along, finally finding Clara alone and calmed down, looking out over the rear of the boat. He comes next to her. Beat. PHIL T ' s your elbow? CL RA (SIGHS) 's OK, How`s your butt? PHIL Well, for jumping off a bridge onto a moving boat, not so bad. (SHAKES HEAD) I can't even fucking believe this is happening to us. CLARA You know, we're kind of running ou ons. PHIL Maybe we could just hide or something until this all blows over. CLARA What makes you think it ever wil PHIL iaybe we should just turn ourselves 1Ï¿½1 62. CLARA (SIGHS) Imagine what it's going to be like for Ollie when everyone hears about this tomorrow. I bet our pictures are going to be all over the papers. Phil nods, gazing out. Then suddenly an idea comes to him. PHIL Wait. What if we found the pictures? CLARA What do you mean? PHIL These pictures that everyone's after. we could get them we'd have some kind o bargaining chip to get out of this. CLARA But then we'd have to find the Gales. don't know anything about them. PHIL (THINKS) Except... the Rainbow. CLARA (CATCHING ON) The pictures have something to do with that place! PHIL Yeah, but even so, Holbrooke said these clubs are so secret you have to know where they are and how to get in- Clara rummages through her purse and grabs her phone, dialing, then notices Phil looking out, shaking his head. CLARA What? PHIL You're not listening to me again! CLARA "You have to know where they are and h to get in-" PHIL That's great. Clara wanna cracker? 63. C LARA I'm calling because of what you said, Phil. I know who can help us. Clara dials the number. CLARA_ (CONT'D) Hey Jane, it's Clara. (LISTENS) Where am I? (beat, looks around) I'm... I'm on a party cruise around Chicago. Oh yeah. It is turning into quite a night. Listen, we need to go to this club called the Rainbow later. Do you know how we can get in? Clara looks at Phil, excited, and nods as she plugs her ear and listens. Phil watches her until he notices the boat IS TURNING. He looks around the side. A slew of POLICE CARS on the shore. He taps Clara. PHIL ara... Clara turns and looks. CLARA Oh shoot. You know what Jane? I've actually gotta jump off right now. INT. TOUR BOAT - LATER POLICE swarm all over the tour boat, checking every compartment. A DRUNKEN PARTIER shows Lieutenant Manning SNAPSHOTS of Phil and Clara landing, groaning, and arguing on the back of his digital camera. A POLICEMAN comes up to Manning and shakes his head. LIEUTENANT MANNING Check again. Manning pockets the camera and starts to walk away. PARTIER Hey! That's mine, man! LIEUTENANT MANNING Evidence. The Partier mumbles "Asshole" as he stumbles Manning si i.s and looks out over the wa 64. E EXT. STREET - LATER It's WINDY and COLD as Phil and Clara, soaked, squeak and slosh down the street. Clara, missing one heel, dumps water out of her purse as she checks her cellphone. CLARA Mine's totally shot too. PHIL You got the info from her though, right? CLARA Yeah, but we can't get in looking like this, Phil. PHIL I don't think we have a choice. Not a big shopping hour. They walk past the 24 CHICAGO FITNESS CENTER, lights blazing. Windows show machines filled with young HARDBODIES working out. PHIL (CONT'D) Now if we wanted to do a little cardio, on the other hand. Who knew that many people worked out at 1 in the morning? Clara thinks a moment, then stops in her tracks and looks back up at the building. PHIL (CONT'D) You wanna do a little cardio? Clara smirks at him, then Phil, thinking, gets it. He shakes his head. PHIL (CONT'D) OK, now that's scary. You know you're starting to think like a real criminal? You know that, don't you? Clara waggles her eyebrows. We hear Devo's "Secret Agent Man" over a TrC _ GE . INT. 24 HOUR FITNESS CENTER - MONTAGE - Phil and Clara walk up to the front counter, where the GYM GREETER boredly watches TV. They say something and the Greeter waves them through without looking up. As they hurry on, the Greeter's TV goes to a PROMO TEASER for the local late night news: a SNAPSHOT of Phil and Clara from the boat with a caption that reads: BONNIE AND CLOD?!? 65. 1Ï¿½1 - In the MEN'S LOCKER ROOM, Phil pulls at the COMBINATION LOCKS, searching for an open locker. Unable to find one, he picks up a bench to throw it at them when TWO JOCKS in workout clothes walk in and look at him strangely as he holds the bench. Phil moves the bench back and forth, pretending it's part of his EXERCISE ROUTINE. - In the WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM, Clara, wrapped in a towel, blows out her hair at the mirror. An ATTRACTIVE THIN WOMAN walks behind her toward the showers and they smile at each other in the mirror. As the THIN WOMAN disappears behind the shower glass, Clara makes a MAD DASH for the lockers. - Back in the MEN'S LOCKER ROOM, Phil lingers as a MAN IN A DARK SUIT undresses, getting ready to work out. As the man is about to lock his locker, Phil rushes up to him, excitedly telling him something and pointing outside. The man, confused, exits, and Phil MOVES IN, quickly undressing. - The Attractive Thin Woman comes back to her locker and opens it. Her face drops. Inside hang CL A"S DRIPPING CLOTHES. - OUTSIDE THE GYM, Phil, looking slick in a colored shirt and black suit, walks quickly around the corner, then stops, stunned. Clara, waiting for him with her hair blown out and in a tight fitting RED FLAPPER DRESS with â¢ RED HEELS, looks AMAZING. From her expression, she feels the same about Phil. EXT. ALLEY - LATER Looking both ways, Phil and Clara walk nervously down a dark, derelict alley. PHIL Down here? JANE It's what she said. PHIL And if you die, does Jane get your commissic-l on the open house? Up ahead, a TWO S:_=:Y LOOKING CHARACTERS huddle near a bunch of GARBAGE CANS watching them, a SMALL FIRE nearby. Nervously, Clara approaches. CLARA Excuse me? Men shoot her a fierce look. E 66. CLARA (CONT'D) Um... do you know which is the way back to Kansas? They eye her, then inspect Phil up and down. One of them LUNGES, and Phil jumps back... but he's moving aside some trash cans, revealing a RAINBOW COLORED STAIRWAY going down. SHADY GUY #1 Welcome to the Rainbow. INT. THE RAINBOW - LATER Reaching the bottom of the stairway, Phil and Clara, amazed, take in THE RAINBOW. It's a CAVERNOUS ABANDONED SUBWAY STATION that's been converted into a GLAMOROUS CLUB. The place is PACKED with an elite looking CROWD. Everything in the room - the carpet, the tapestries, the clothes of the waitstaff - is EMERALD GREEN. Phil and Clara nod at each other then separate, disappearing into the mix. INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE RAINBOW - SAME Phil looks around, amazed as he wanders between BLACKJACK and BACCARAT tables, where well-to-do OLDER guests gamble large sums of money, fast looking WOMEN cheering them on. VOICE (O.S.) If you wanner be pissed at anyone about it, be pissed at Stockton... Hearing the name, Phil spots a BALDING MAN talking to 2 other MEN at one of the tables. He lingers closer. BALDING MAN You know, rumor is he's behind the whole mess. Raking it in on both ends. What do you mean? BALDING MAN Hush hush shell companies he owns. One of them hires all the construction inspectors. Another he's got rents all the construction equipment. The more one slows things down with violations, more the other takes to the bank. 67. The Balding Man leans in and speaks more quietly, causing Phil to lean in even more. BALDING MAN (CONT'D) My guess is he's trying to screw up Mayor Diggs' reelection. Imagine what someone like him could do if he got someone less "squeaky clean" in the Mansion. The Balding Man suddenly notices Phil listening. Phil pastes on an excited face. PHIL you! Gale, right? BALDING MAN What? PHIL Sorry. From the side... confused you with somebody else. Phil quickly moves on. INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE RAINBOW - Clara talks to a BUSY BARTENDER at the bar as he scrambles to fill drink orders. BA --Y_-_. really get s,-.y names. CLARA Thanks any-way. With a sigh, Clara starts away from the bar, when she FREEZES. ough the crowd, FRANK and HARRY walk right toward her - but they haven't seen her yet. Clara spots the KITCHEN DOORS nearby and rushes through. INT. KITCHEN - C vUOUS Clara peeks out through the double door windows. Frank and Harry continue through the crowd, unaware. VOICE (O.S.) Watch it! Clara quickly hugs a large bulletin board covered with pictures and time schedules as a WAITER carries a large tray of food past her. 68. As she moves off the wall, some papers drop. Clara pins them back on, when something else on the bulletin board catches her eye... .Among all the snapshots of staff scattered on the bulletin board is a picture of a backyard party with a whole group of laughing young people, and the middle of the picture, smiling at the camera... . is THE NERVOUS WOMAN FROM THE SIGNATURE ROOM BATHROOM. Clara pulls the picture off the wall. She catches a WAITRESS coming back through the double doors. CLARA Excuse me. Does she work here? WAITRESS Dora? I guess she still does. Hasn't been showing up lately, though. CLARA Do you know where I can find her? WAITRESS You could try back tomorrow, see if she- C I need to find her tonight. WAITRESS Did you try Ray's place? CLARA Ray? WAITRESS That sleazebag boyfriend of hers. He's got that place a few blocks from here where he used to throw those after work parties. CLARA Do you remember where it is? ANOTHER PART OF THE RAINBOW Phil scans the crowds, back and forth. MALE VOICE (O.S.) Phil! Hearing his name, Phil nervously turns. MR. RIVERS and GEORGE stand together in a corner. 69. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL (TO HIMSELF) hit. MR. RIVERS This is a surprise! What are you doing down here? PHIL Uh... well, same thing as you guys, I would guess. Working those "extra hours," right? CLARA (O.S.) Phil! Clara, looking amazing in her red flapper dress, weeds through the crowd. Mr. Rivers and George take her in, obviously impressed. CLARA (CONT'D) Phil, we gotta go. I found out where- PHIL ERRUPTING) Clara, you remember Mr. Rivers? Clara suddenly notices Phil's boss. Oh. Oh. Yeah. GEORGE And I'm George. CLARK Sorry, but I've got to steal him. We've gotta be somewhere else right now. MR. RIVERS At 2 in the morning? Where are you guys headed? PHIL (BEAT) I'm sorry, Mr. Rivers. We really can talk about it. Phil and Clara move off quickly through the crowd as Mr. Rivers watches the hand_ï¿½__e, dressed up couple, intrigued. MR. RIVERS Phil Foster with places to go he can talk about at 2 in the morning. (THOUGHTFUL ) (MORE) 70. MR. RIVERS (CONT'D) You know what makes kangaroos so damn dangerous, George? They look so sweet and tame, so you forget they're wild animals. Lethal when they want to be. George, not fully understanding, chuckles and holds out his hand for another handshake, but Mr. Rivers, still watching Phil, LEAVES HIM HANGING. CLOSEUP ON A TV MONITOR A TV MONITOR IMAGE of Phil and Clara making their way through the crowd to the exit. In the dark room, Frank and Harry look expectantly to the well dressed man in a dark suit, who absently twirls with two metal balls in his hand. MR. STOCKTON See where they take you. EXT. RUN DOWN ROW HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER Phil and Clara knock on the door of a the deserted looking row house. No answer. Clara tries the door... PHIL That never really- OPENS. She shoots Phil a look. PHIL (CONT'D) OK. Never mind. Phil and Clara inch insi RUN DOWN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS As they start down the dark hallway to the living room, Phil hunches over, hugging the wall. CLARA are you bent over like that? PI sneaking. CLA?.A Rut why don't you just walk normally and quietly? PHI This is the wav I sneak. You sneak in your way and I'll sneak in mine, OK? 71. CL (SHRUGS) OK. Fine. I was just asking. Clara walks quietly behind crouching Phil. Reaching the living room, they spot TWO PACKED SUITCASES on the couch. Suddenly, the DOOR SLAMS behind them and RAY holds a gun to Phil's head, DORA nervously next to him. RAY Talk! Who are you? PHIL You know, that's like the 5th gun I've had to my head tonight! Just lower that thing and cool it, OK? Off guard from Phil's reaction, Ray, confused, does. DORA She was in the bathroom at the restaurant! RAY Who are you? PHIL Who are we? Good question! Well, everybody thinks we're "the Gales" because we were lucky enough to take your reservation tonight! RAY (CONFUSED) What? Why would you take our reservation? Phil shoots Clara a look. CLARE Don't. RAY Both of you. Stand ov there in the corner. Dammit Dora, ere's your goddamn brother? He was E,.--,-Dc.-zed to b here an hour ago! I don't know, Ra_, He's not answering his phone. RAY Yeah, well, if these guys found u long do you think it's gonna take other guys? We're dead! DEAD! 72. E CLARA Excuse me. In the corner, Clara raises her hand. Ray eyes her strangely. CLARA (CONT'D) Sorry. I have to pee. RAY (FLUSTERED) You have to nee? Clara nods. Phil shrugs. PHIL That's my wife. Flustered, Ray waves Dora to take Clara. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Dora talks to Clara as she washes her face in the sink. DORA You must just think I'm awful. CLARA I don't think anything about you. I just want this to be over. DORA Ray saw Mr. Stockton making all this money blackmailing people at the club. When he found out who was interested in me... he said it would be so easy. We'd never have to work again. RAY (O.S.) HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO PEE, GUYS?!? DORA We're coming! INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME Ray peeks nervously out of the window, searching the street. PHIL Listen, it looks like things didn't turn out the way you planned, but I think all Stockton wants is his pictures back. As soon as he gets them I bet- 73. RAY E Stockton's pictures? You.think they're Stockton's pictures? (SMIRKS) You really have no idea what you've gotten into, do you? BOOM! The window SHATTERS and Ray and Phil hit the deck. As Ray starts blindly firing back, Phil crawls on his knees and elbows across the floor toward the bathroom. CLARA (O.S.) PHIL?!?! PHIL I'm OK! I'm OK! Ray spots Phil crawling away and gets up, turning to him. RAY Hey! Get- Suddenly, Ray is SHOT IN THE ARM through the window. He drops to the ground in pain, yelling and clutching his arm. RAY (CONT'D) Ahh! Â¢ Phil crabs along even faster. INT. BATHROOM Clara rushes to the bathroom door, pulling Phil inside and locking it. As Clara focuses on Phil, Dora thinks fast, taking an ELOPE out of her purse and putting it into Clara's bout them seeing. CLARA Oh God! Are you hit? PHIL No... just... a little ... winded... that... crawling's... tough... on the core... INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME As Harry kicks the gun away from Ray, moaning on the floor, Frank comes to the bathroom door. He lightly raps on it, then speaks softly. 74. LJ FRANK How about you guys let me in before someone gets really hurt? INT. BATHROOM Dora quickly opens the window and gestures for Phil and Clara to climb through. Just as they squeeze outside... BAM! The door handle's BLOWN OFF and Frank kicks the door in. He grabs Dora, rushing toward the window, but Phil and Clara are GONE. FRANK Dammit! Frank eyes Dora, then SHOOTS HER IN THE FOOT, sending screaming to the ground in pain. FRANK(CONT'D) You stay put. He hurries back through the house. FRONT OF RUN DOWN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Phil and Clara sprint to the street as a BUICK pulls up in front and a confused looking CHUBBY GUY steps CHUBBY GUY Hey? Which is 357 Maple Street? PHIL You're Dora's brother? CHUBBY GUY Who are you? PHIL You're late! CHUBBY GUY OK sorry! The roads are all screwed with all this construction- BOOM! They wince as a SHOT hits the rearview mirror of the car. All three spin to see Frank aiming his gun and marching toward them, Harry right behind him. CHUBBY GUY (CONT'D) Hey! Phil quickly pushes Dora's brother aside as he and Clara hop into the Buick and PEEL OUT. 75. Frank and Harry SPRINT for their Towncar down the block. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS Phil screeches the car around the corner. CLARA Phil! Careful! Phil WHIPS the car around another bend. CLARA (CONT'D) Please, Phil! It's not going to do any good if you- PHIL (taking another sharp turn) Clara! Please! Just leave the driving to me, OK?!? I know what I'm- SMASH! - they HIT something head-on, SHATTERING the windshield. Shaking glass off himself, Phil peers forward. They're face to face - nose to nose - with another broken windshield. In the driver's seat of a SOUPED UP HONDA h fiber-optic colored lights, a YOUNG BLACK DUDE â¢ stares at them in shock. BLACK DUDE No no no. Tell me you did not just do that. PHIL Shit! The Black Dude gets out of his car to inspect, head in hands. BLACK DUDE Oh, man! You did not just do that! Whew, you gonna be payin' for this! PHIL owe you one. Phil throws the car into reverse, but his tires just screech smoke, the wheels spinning in place. Looking out his window toward the front, Phil sees that THE SMASHED FRONT GRILL OF THEIR CAR HAS INTERLOCKED WITH ASHED FRONT GRILL OF THE BLACK DUDE'S HONDA. _-M The Black Dude comes toward him. 76, BLACK DUDE Oh no no no. You're gonna get outta this car and hand me over a license and some insurance. We gonna do this right. Man, I think I got whiplash and shit. A SCREECH. Phil looks back to see FRANK AND HARRY'S TOTnNCAR coming around the corner. PHIL Shit. Thinking fast, Phil jumps out of his car and hops into the Black Dude's souped up Honda. BLACK DUDE Hey! HEY! What do you think you're doing? The Black Dude chases after him, trying the driver's door, but Phil's LOCKED it. Phil yells to Clara. PHIL PUT IT IN REVERSE AND GUN IT, CLARA! CLARA What? That's insane! E Frank and Harry's car SPEEDS TOWARDS THEM. It will smash into them in seconds... PHIL I KNOW IT IS! BUT DO IT! Freaked, Clara hops to the driver's seat and switches to reverse, and guns it. At the same moment, Phil steps on the gas. The Black Dude, hanging onto the driver's door, SCREAMS as he's THROWN ONTO THE HOOD. The conjoined cars SHIMMY SHAMMY BACKWARD, just in time to dodge the Towncar. The Black Dude scrambles for his life through the windshield into the passenger's seat next to Phil. BLACK DUDE JESUS CHRIST! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!! PHIL NOW PUT IT IN DRIVE! CLARA Huh? BLACK DUDE JESUS! JESUS! 77. PH IL PUT IT IN DRIVE NOW! CLARA Phil, this is- BLACK DUDE JESUS JESUS! PHIL DO IT! (to Black Dude) AND YOU! CUT THE JESUS! Mumbling angrily, Clara puts her car in drive and steps on it. Their cars lurch then burn asphalt as the wheels smoke and speed up in the OTHER DIRECTION. They race past Frank again, who angrily whips the Towncar around in pursuit. Looking over his shoulder, Phil tries to steer their conjoined cars down the middle of the street, but he and Clara are out of sync and their attached cars veer :ildly back and forth. They hit the curb at an angle and -JcK DOWN a whole row of mail boxes until Phil spins h--'-s v;:-reel, getting them back into the street. BLACK DUDE Just let me out, OK? You can have it! 1ï¿½1 You can have it! PHIL (IGNORING HIM) DAMMIT! TRY TO KEEP IT STRAIGHT CLARA! CLARA STOP YELLING AT ME! PHIL I'm not yelling! I'm just talking in an very animated voice! Looking back over his shoulder again, Phil sees they're approaching the lar ge intersection with Michigan Avenue. PHIL (CONT'D) OK, now when I say so, spin your wheel! (BEAT) NOW! On his command, Clara spins her wheel sharply to t1- right., but it's the wrong way and their cars JACK across the road. An ONCOMING SUV honks desperately. PHIL (CONT'D) Ahhhh! Other way! Other way! 78. Flustered, Clara WHIPS her wheel in the other direction, and their two cars tilt up on four wheels (out of eight), barely screeching past. Landing again and taking in a deep breath, Phil shoots her a pissed off look. CLARA What? You just said spin the wheel, Phil! You didn't say which way. PHIL Yes I did! CLARA No you didn't! BLACK DUDE She's right! You di CLARA (VINDICATED) God! Thank you! Can we take him home? I need him! Both Phil and the Black Dude sees that the Towncar's turned onto Michigan Avenue and is still right behind E them. BLACK DUD Aw man! PHIL (TO CLARA) I say our best chance is to reverse again, then use both engines to floor as fast as we can all the way down Michigan. CLARA Why stay on Michigan? PHIL Why stay on Michigan? Because it's a wider street. LARA It's also a busier street! I think it would be better to try to branch off. PHIL (SIGHS) Why do you have a problem with every route I take? Flustered, Phil turns to the Black Dude next to him to commiserate, unaware that his STEERING WHEEL DRIFTS. 79. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL (CONT'D) She does this wherever we go! Every time! Phil doesn't notice the LIGHTS GROWING BRIGHTER behind him.. CLARA PHIL! LOUD HONNNNNNNKKKKKK. Phil and the Black Dude look over their shoulders to see they're heading straight for a DELIVERY TRUCK. PHIL, CLARA AND BLACK DUDE AHHHH! Phil SPINS the wheel sharply and they go SIDEWAYS, jumping the curb and soaring into MILLENNIUM PARK. In their car following them, Frank and Harry's -mouths drop. EXT. MCCORMICK ICE RINK The conjoined cars sail across the grass and SMASH THROUGH a barrier, landing on the MCCORMICK ICE RINK. Their cars PINWHEEL OUT OF CONTROL across the ice. Phil, Clara, and the Black Dude are all WIDE EYED as the world is a SPINNING BLUR around them. Finally, they hit the other side. Getting his bearings, Phil sees the Towncar has entered the park after them. He searches where to go next, then spots something. PHIL Clara! Reverse it, keep it straight put your foot to the floor. Give it everything! Clara reverses and Phil puts the car in drive and floors it. The car goes faster... faster... BLACK Oooh. I really woulc_n.'t be doing that. CLARA Doing what? What are you doing?!? Clara glances over her shoulder. Their heading strai toward a CONCRETE STAIRWAY. CL. (CONT'D) Oh God. 0 80. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL Just trust me! The conjoined cars HIT the steps and their wheels SMOKE as the TWO ENGINES POWER TOGETHER ALL THE WAY UP THE STAIRWAY! The Towncar tries the follow them, but its single engine doesn't have enough power. Swearing under his breath, Frank reverses back down the steps. EXT. CLOUD GATE Phil and the Black Guy both look back over their shoulders as they speed by Anish Kapoor's large metallic CLOUD GATE. No sign of the Towncar. The Black Guy holds up his hand for Phil. BLACK DUDE Ha HA! That last move was wicked, man. Wicked. They try to give each other a fancy handshake, but Phil, the WHITEST MAN EVER, muddles it up. PHIL â¢ Sorry. BLACK DUDE s cool. CLARA (SPOTTING SOMETHING) They're back. They peek again over their shoulders. The Towncar's driven around and is now BACK ON THEIR TAILS. BLACK DUDE Jesus! What the hell are you guys in trouble for? 'D R (SIGHS) f i ght... you name it. EXT. GREAT LAWN Phil and Clara's conjoined cars barrel across the gr ss of the Great Lawn in Millennium park, then SPIN onto Columbus Drive, the Towncar giving chase. 81 EXT. COLUMBUS DRIVE Phil peeks back over his shoulder then sighs, looking at Clara. PHIL Can we just try to work together at this? CLARA PHIL- PHIL I'm not blaming you. Please? Clara nods. PHIL (CONT'D) Now whatever direction I give you, take your normal version of it and tone it down like 85 percent, OK? CLARA 35 percent. Fine. PHIL OK. Small left. Now! E Clara breathes deeply and turns her wheel slightly lefts They ZOOM around the corner. PHIL (CONT'D) (LOOKING BACK) Yes! That was awesome! Perfect, Clara! Now give me a medium right. Do it! She does and they veer sharply and perfectly onto another street. CLAA Yes! BLACK DUDE Now we're cooking with fire! Now tiny le CL AP.A (HAVING FUN) You act it! They make the slightest turn. 1Ï¿½1 82. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL Yes! (spotting something ahead) No. BLACK DUDE Oh no. CLARA What? Clara turns around to look. LIGHTS FLASH as a BARRIER comes down across the road - A DRAWBRIDGE ahead is slowly rising. Phil looks behind - the Towncar's got them closed in. The Black Dude peeks back as well, then turns to Phil. BLACK DUDE say we can pop you guys up and over. PHIL H CLARA Excuse me? What are you talking about, "pop you guys up and over?" E BLACK DUDE You climb over, then we both reverse it and leadfoot the motherfuckers. Send you flying over the top. CLARA What? Sucking in a breath, Phil hands control of the car back to the Black Dude. As the conjoined cars zoom toward the drawbridge, Phil CRAWLS ON THE ATTACHED HOODS FROM ONE WINDSHIELD TO THE OTHER, sitting next to Clara. CLARA (CONT'D) Phil, don't even think of it. PHIL can do it. Clara. CLARA No, Phil. We can't! It's suicide! BLACK DUDE Here we go now... One... two... THREE! CLARA NO! 83. But Phil reaches over and switches the gear to reverse, stepping on Clara's foot to GUN IT. CLARA (CONT'D) AHHHH! The two cars SMOKE as their wheels spin in opposite directions, then DISLODGE. Phil and Clara's car flies reverse UP ONE SIDE OF THE DIAGONAL DRAWBRIDGE... .and LANDS SPINNING IN A FLURRY OF SPARKS OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE, causing AIR BAGS to deploy all around Phil and Clara. The Black Dude spins his steering wheel, jack-knifing his Honda across the road, and PUTS ON HIS SEAT BELT. Frank and Harry's eyes go wide as Frank jams on his brakes, but the Towncar CRASHES right into the Honda. ugh his broken window, the Black Dude grins at Frank and Harry. BLACK DUDE Hope you all got insurance. Hitting a button, he starts a FIBER-OPTIC LIGHT SHOW on his Honda. U INT. PHIL AND CL ARA' S CAR - CONTINUOUS As their car comes to a SMOKING, SPINNING STOP in the middle of the deserted road, Phil sandwiched in air bags, catches his breath. PHIL (INVIGORATED) We did it! We did it! A DOOR SLAM. Phil moves an air bag aside to see Clara MARCHING AWAY down the street. EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS Phil rushes after Clara, trying to catch up. Where are you going? CLARA I want to make sure that at least one our son's parents survives tonight! PHIL What? 0 84. CLARA You almost just got us killed! PHIL I see. I almost got us killed. Forget about the people chasing and shooting at us all night long because of the reservation you stole. CLARA There's a difference between fleeing from people shooting at you and knowingly driving a car in reverse over an open drawbridge! PHIL Unbelievable! You know, all you complain about is that I don't take risks anymore. Then the second I do, you get mad at me for doing it! I can't win with you! CLARA Poor Phil! You have i so bad, don't you! PHIL Oh, you have no idea! Every single day from the moment we wake up you're bossy, â¢ disapproving, inconsiderate- CLARA I'm inconsiderate? I'M INCONSIDERATE?!? Have you ever seen our bathroom in the morning after Tsunami Phil's blown through? The floor! The sink! You use my toothbrush. PHIL What's the difference? Afraid you're gonna get my cooties? CLARA I want my own toothbrush, Phil! Sue me! And how many years have I asked you to do a simple thing like put the toilet paper in right? PHIL Listen to yourself! You have problems with how I pqt in the toilet paper! C Because under makes no sense, Phil! Under makes no sense! When it's under it doesn't pull off right! It just keeps spinning and spinning and doesn't cascade properly! (MORE) 85. CLARA (CONTVD) After ten years of asking you to have roll the right way, you still can't do it! PHIL Yeah, how about the fact that I have not woken up with our comforter over me once in those 10 nears! You steal the whole thing away from me every night and mummify yourself. CLARA What? Phil, I do not "steal" the comforter. It just happens when we're- PHIL (points at her) Bulls Bull-shit. CLARA Don't you point that at me! PHIL I see your hock leg lock maneuver. Don't think I don't! (ILLUSTRATING) You wrap that leg around and lock the comforter down then reeeeel it in so I can't pull it at all. Â¢ CLARA I do not leg lock the comforter! PHIL Oh yes you do! CLARA u think I don't know your little icks? Where you leave like half a thimble of milk in the carton and put it back in the fridge so you don't have to be the one to "finish" it and replace it? PHIL You're right. I do that. You know why do that, Clara? CLARA Because you don't want to haul your ass to the market to buy it yourself! PHIL Because I'm afraid to! God forbid I the wrong kind of grass-fed bio homogenized whatever and meet your wrath! You're like the Nutrition Nazi. (MORE) 1Ï¿½1 86. PHIL (CONT' D ) And I've got to be your little Nutrition Nazi Goebbels because we have to be this "united front" with Ollie! What's wrong if he eats two bowls of Captain Sugar instead of one? Or if his handwriting isn't perfect? Or if he goes to school for one day not dressed like Finneas J. Nerdo! CLARA Poor Phil. I feel so sorry for you. I must be hard having to be the cool fun parent while I get to be the one who makes sure our child's fed, clothed and SURVIVES! PHIL How would you even know? You don't give me or anyone else a chance! You're so goddamn controlling! You've got to be Wonder Woman, keeping everyone in line, looking down on them from her fancy Wonder Woman plane and controlling everything with all her wonder superpowers! You paint yourself as this victim but you get off on being the superlady! CLARA Urgh! You know w sometimes I don't pay attention to you, Phil? Because you give me a headache! Clara angrily rummages through her purse then lets out a frustrated sigh. PHIL What? No aspirin in the wonderpurse? How could it be? Clara, furious, HURLS her purse at Phil's head. He ducks and the contents spill all over the road. CLARA Screw you, Phil! PHIL Yeah, fine! Sure! Screw me ! Even if I survive tonight I'm screwed all around anyway! Screwed with you! Screwed with my job! CLARA What are you talking about, screwed with your job? 87. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL was supposed to spend all tonight guring out a new brilliant plan for the fund so George wouldn't take it over tomorrow. Doesn't look like that's gonna happen! CLARA Why didn't you tell me? PHIL I don't know, Clara. Maybe because I didn't want you chiming in on how Mr. Rivers was right. He wants the new guy for all the reasons you complain about me! Someone who doesn't "play it safe." Someone who'll "take a risk." CLARA I can't believe that's what you think do. PHI Yeah, well... (BEAT) You know, when you set up this whole "magical" night, in that dress... I got this glimmer that it was going to be like it used to be with us. But... I don't know. I guess we're just not those people anymore. CLARA (BEAT) I guess we're not. Shaking his head, Phil turns and walks away do-- the street. Clara, trying to hold it together, h and starts to gather the items from her purse something catches his eye. She picks up the ENVELOPE that Dora put in her bag. EXT. ROADWAY - MOMENTS LATER As Phil walks along, Clara comes running up behind him. Phil! Phil! She steps in front of him, trying to catch her breath. PHIL I think we said all needs to be said right now, Clara. Panting, Clara holds out the manila envelope. 88. E CLARA This... this... this... PHIL What? CLARA (PANTING) Side cramp... Wow. She hands Phil the manila envelope and bends down, trying to stop her cramp. Confused, Phil opens it and looks at the pictures inside. His brow furrows. PHIL What is it? Clara looks over his shoulder, shakes her head and TURNS THE PICTURE THE OTHER WAY AROUND. Phil's eyes go wide. PHIL (CONT'D) Oh jeez. It's... it's... C It's the Mayor. Phil looks at Clara, taking it all in. PHIL (V.0.) I bet this didn't have anything to do with Stockton at first. EXT. DESERTED STREETS - LATER Phil and Clara walk quickly down the street as they piece things together. PHIL The Mayor must have gone to Stockton's club one night. He saw Dora working there and obviously gave some sign that he was interested. CLARA So much for "Mr. Squeaky Clea PHIL Her sleazy boyfriend Ray finds out and convinces her to take him up on it so they could photograph it and blackmail him. CLARA They knew it was an election year and he would have to pay them whatever they asked. 89. PHIL But somehow Stockton found out about the photos too and wanted that power over the mayor himself. CLARA So he sent his guys to the restaurant to intercept the Gales and get the photos. PHIL But Ray and Dora spotted them and bailed before the Mayor even had a chance to show up. Phil thinks. He snaps his fingers. CLARA What? PHIL If we could find some way to get in touch with the mayor directly, without anyone else knowing, there actually might be a way out of this for us. Clara thinks for a moment. A light comes to her eyes. CLARA can. DOORMAN BUILDING - LATER THAT NIGHT Phil and Clara walk into the lobby of the doorman building and start toward the elevator, straight past the NIGHT DOORMAN. DOORMAN Whoa whoa whoa. Where do you you're going? CLARA Oh, we're guests of Apartment 605 The Doorman picks up the phone to call the apartmen DOORMAN And you are? looks at him in shock. CLARA Are you crazy? It's 4 in the morning! We were lust out for dinner. Trust me 90. Â¢ DOORMAN I'm not really allowed to just let you up there. CLARA Please. Just look at us! The Doorman looks at Phil and Clara - a white, well dressed suburban couple. DOORMAN OK. Yeah. Go ahead. The elevator door opens and they get inside. PHIL Have a nice night. DOORMAN You too. ELEVATOR As the elevator doors close, Phil and Clara look at each other, then simultaneously slip PAPER BAGS with EYE and MOUTH HOLES over their heads. INT. MRS. CARDIGAN'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER Mrs. Cardigan, in her frilly nightgown with her eyemask pulled up on her forehead, walks through her dark living room toward the POUNDING on her front door. PHIL (O.S.) (THROUGH DOOR) GAS AK LADY! OPEN UP! MRS. CARDIGAN All right. All- As Mrs. Cardigan opens the door, Phil and Clara, in their masks, BUM RUSH her. Screaming, Cardigan dodges, running back to her desk. Phil and Clara give chase, but Cardigan grabs a LARGE METAL YARDSTICK and starts WHOPPING PHIL over and over on his paper bag head, screaming the whole time. MRS. CARDIGAN (CONT'D) AHHHHH! PHIL OW! OW! OW! Clara grabs her from behind, bringing her down. 1Ï¿½1 rubs his paper bag head. 9i. .7 PHIL (CONT'D) Jesus! INT. CARDIGAN'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER Having put Cardigan's eyenask back over her eyes, Clara, bag off, holds Cardigan in a chair as Phil comes back into the living room holding two spools of FUZZY YARN. PHIL I can't find any rope. Only yarn. CLARA Yarn? Fine. Just use that. I'll start looking. Phil gets to work, wrapping the yarn over and over, tying Cardigan's arms to the back of the chair, while Clara searches Cardigan's desk. MRS. CARDIGAN You two weren't very prepared. PHIL Excuse me? MRS. CARDIGAN E You should have been more prepared. Thought ahead and brought the rope you. PHIL OK, why don't you lay off the critiqu MRS. CARD---'--' 's not a critique. It's a fact. PHIL Oh is it a fact? MRS. CARDIGA? Yes. ng word choice. PHIL Wrong word choice? Unbelievable! Well, let me throw a little word choice "correction" your way. CLARA Partner! PHIL Five year old kids can't be "antagonistic." 92. E CLARA PARTNE Phil looks over. Clara makes the "Cut it out" gesture across her throat. CLARA (CONT'D) If you're done tying her up, come over and help. Phil crosses the room and starts going through notebooks on the desk. MRS. CARDIGAN The name's Cardigan, not Rockefeller, if you haven't figured it out yet! What idiots! PHIL You must be such a positive influence on our youth. MRS. CARDIGAN You're one to talk! CLARA Partner! (TO CARDIGAN) 1ï¿½1 Listen, lady, just sit tight and we'll be out of here before you know it. Phil picks up and flips quickly through a notebook, when he spots something and doubles back, starting to read. His brow furrows. Clara, deep in her own workbook, suddenly brightens. CLARA (CONT'D) Got it! She notices Phil's expression. CLARA (CONT ' D ) What? hands the book to Clara to read. She does and darkens. CLARA (CONT'D) Oliver told her he's being mean to Je y Briggs because... he says he wants to marry her? PHIL (NODS) And that's what married people do. 40 93. Â¢ As this hits them, Phil and Clara look at each other, then at Mrs. Cardigan, blindfolded in the living room. MRS. CARDIGAN (SARCASTIC) What's wrong over there? No "crown jewels" yet? CLARA Let's make the call, INT. MAYOR REYNOLD'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER The PHONE RINGS in Mayor Reynold's bedroom. He hops up and peers at the clock - 4:30 am - then at the caller ID. CARDIGAN, L. He looks over at his wife who snores loudly with earplugs in, then picks up the phone, confused. MAYOR DIGGS (INTO PHONE) Lucy? Is everything OK? INT. CARDIGAN'S APARTMENT - SAME On the phone in Cardigan's office, Phil is confused. PHIL Lucy? Who's Lucy? MRS. CARDIGAN I'm Lucy. CLARA (stunned', You and the Mayor are on a first name basis? MRS. CARDIGAN You're calling our Mayor in the middle of the night? (YELLS) I had nothing to do with this Charlie! CLARA Charlie?!? Lucy!?!? _ appened to "Â°boundaries matter?â =_.h? What happened to that, bitch? PHIL Hey "partner." How about you put a sock in it now. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) Who is this ? r1 94. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL You don't know me, Mr. Mayor, but I've recently come into possession of something that you were supposed to get from the Gales tonight. Silence on the line. PHIL (CONT'D) Hello? MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) (CLEARS THROAT) And? PHIL And whether you realize it or not, we ended up doing you a favor. You see, this man named Mr. Stockton - I know if you know him- MAYOR DIGGS (PH( I know who he is. PHIL Well, he tried to steal the photos from the Gales. He's even got cops on his payroll helping him out. We think he was planning to sabotage your re-election. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) So what do you want for them? PHIL What do we want? Phil looks at Clara. PHIL (CONT'D) We just want our lives back. We want to go home, Mr. Mayor. INT. MAYOR'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The Mayor looks over nervously as his wife stirs. She goes back to snoring and he whispers into the phone again. MAYOR DIGGS THAT'S PHIL (PHONE) That's it. Mayor Diggs breathes out and rubs his forehead. 0 MAYOR DIGGS E If you really can get me... what I was supposed to receive earlier without this getting out, I promise you I'll take care of your safety. PHIL (PHONE) But now the police think that- MAYOR DIGGS Trust me. Get me the photos and he won't be bothering you again. INT. CARDIGAN'S OFFICE Clara sees Phil furrow his brow, confused. CLARA is it? Phil's concentrating hard on something. Thinking. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) PHIL Uh... yeah. We'll meet you at the Adler Planetarium in 1 hour. Come alone. E INT. MAYOR'S BEDROOM The Mayor rubs his forehead. MAYOR DIGGS Of course. And... thank you. Click. The Mayor hangs up the phone and quietly leaves the bedroom. INT. MAYOR D'S HOME OFFICE Downing a glass of scotch, the Mayor sits at his desk and lets out a sigh of relief. Beat. He picks up his desk phone and dials. MAYOR DIGGS (PHOII ) We dodged a bullet. They calac _e . INT. STOCKTON'S BACK ROOM - S Mr. Stockton sits at his desk, staring at a blueish monitor screen. 1Ï¿½1 96. STOCKTON interesting. ON STOCKTON'S MONITOR in front of him we see that Frank and Harry hold a wounded Ray and Dora in the meat locker. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) They thought you were stealing the photos from the Gales to try to blackmail me yourself. MR. STOCKTON Did they, now? That's great. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) They're going to meet me in an hour with them. Alone. MR. STOCKTON st keeps getting better. ADLER PLANETARIUM - LATER Phil and Clara sit silently on the steps of the beautiful, old Alder Planetarium looking at dawn hitting the CHICAGO SKYLINE. CLARA Man, I love this city. Always have. PHIL When was the last time we watched the sunrise together? CLARA Probably the last time we were here. PHIL (THINKS) Nope. it wasn't. It was the morning that Ollie was born. CT,ARA ES) You're The morning Ollie was born. They look at each other, remembering. CLARA (CONT'D) Man, I'm starving! PHIL Me too. (PAUSE) Sorry you never got your truffles. 97. E Clara reaches into her purse. CLARA Who needs white truffles when you've got a lemon zest Luna bar. Clara breaks it in two and hands half to Phil. They click the halves together, toasting each other, then silently chew, looking out. Phil shakes his head and starts GIGGLING. CLARA (CONT'D) What? PHIL (GIGGLING) OK, what happened to us tonight? the hell are we doing here? Clara starts laughing too. CLAIRA It's not funny. PHIL No, I know it's not funny. It's not funny at all. CLARA en why are you laughing? PHIL Why are you laughing? They're both cracking up... then Phil notices a moment later that Clara's laughter has turned to PHIL (CON I Wha e gonna be OK, Cla CLP--P, A No. It's not that. just... this is nice. Right now. (tears up again) You don't understand... I really don't want to be Wonder Woman, Phil! I don't At all! (SOBS) You don't see that this whole time I'm flying in a glass plane! In a glass Mane! PHIL (BEAT) Uh, OK, but I think Wonder Woman actua flies an invisible plane, not a glass plane. 98. This makes Clara break into a bigger round of sobs. CLARA You see! It isn't even there at all! I don't even have a plane! No plane! I'm running on fumes! PHIL You're not running on fumes, Clara. CLARA I'm not trying to be uptight, or controlling! Or a nutrition... PHIL Nazi. CLARA Nazi! I'm just trying the only way I know how to keep everything from fall apart! PHIL It won't fall apart. And I really can help whenever you feel like it is. With Ollie. Whatever. You just never act like you need me to. CLARA That's because as it is you see us as a distraction from your work! PHIL You think I see you guys as a distraction? God no, Clara. (SHAKES HEAD) You don't understand... I have this wife who does everything better than anyone I've ever known. And the greatest son. You want to know why I obsess so much about my stupid job? Because I want to feel like... like I can do something good enough to deserve someone like you. I mean, I look at you and I jest don't stack up. CLARA That's crazy, Phil. You do. You're a god man. You're the best man I know. PHIL I'll never be the guy who remembers always put toilet paper on the right way. 99. CLARA I don't think I would really want to be with that guy, Phil. I just... want us to be on the same team again. As Clara sniffles, Phil takes this in for a beat. He nods. PHIL Listen, you know what I said before, about not being the people we used to be? CLARA Phil, we were angry- PHIL No, Clara. It's true. We're not. And I know I'm going to drive you crazy again, and you're definitely going to drive me crazy. But I wouldn't want to do it with anybody else. He hugs her tight. PHIL (CONT'D) We had a good fight tonight, didn't we? CLARA Yeah, we did. You know the worst part about not talking about all this recently? PHIL What? CLARA We missed out on a lot of make up sex. And our make up sex woulda rocked! PHIL You think? CLARA Oh yeah. Phil s when he spots something behind Clara. MAYOR DIGGS looks both walks from his car in the parking lot toward the--. PHIL Here we go. (BEAT) Tell me now. Do you need to pee? CLARA 1 hold it. 100. Â¢ They get up and start walking down the steps to meet him. EXT. BOTTOM OF STEPS - MOMENTS LATER Phil and Clara meet the Mayor at the bottom of the steps. Clara takes the manila envelope out of her purse, handing it to him. PHIL This is what you're looking for. I've tten down our information inside. MAYOR DIGGS And that's it? PHIL That's it. We're going home now. The Mayor nods, and Phil and Clara start walking past him toward the parking lot. Mayor Diggs stays behind, nervously tapping the envelope in his hand. As Phil and Clara get halfway to the lot, ALL THE MAYOR'S CAR DOORS OPEN, and Manning, Frank, Harry, and Mr. Stockton climb out. Frank and Harry pop the trunk and grab SHEETS OF CLEAR PLASTIC. Phil's eyes go wide. PHIL (CONT'D) Oh God. Run, Clara! Phil and Clara start to run, when a GUNSHOT hits the ground in front of them. They turn, when ANOTHER SHOT rings out. LIEUTENANT MANNING The next one won't be a warning shot. They look over to see Manning training a gun as he and Stockton walk toward them, Harry and Frank behind with the plastic. MR. STOCKTON (to Harry and Frank Let's do it over there. y and Frank quickly throw the plastic sheets down on the grass nearby. MAYOR DIGGS I'm going to wait in the c r don't mind. MR. STOCKTON Sure thing, Mr. Mayor. E As Mayor Diggs starts to walk back to the parking lot, he opens the manila envelope. Manning gestures for Phil and Clara to walk to the plastic sheets. PHIL Please. Please don't do LIEUTENANT MANNING Over there. PHIL Please! We have a child! 'VT MINING said over there! ï¿½J PH I L (BEGGING) Just me then, OK? I promise you she's not going to say anything! Please! We have a child! LIEUTENANT MANNING Last time I'm going to say it. Resigned, Phil and Clara sadly look at each other, then walk to stand in front of the plastic on the ground. 1Ï¿½1 LIEUTENANT MANNING (CONT'D) On your knees. Phil, scared, holds out his hand to Clara. She takes looking back at him and they kneel in front of the plastic, side by side. Mr. Stockton nods to Lieutenant Manning, who checks his gun. M A Y O R DIG GS (O . S . ) WHAT THE Mr. Stockton and Lieutenant inning turn. Mayor Diggs sifts through pages of DOCJ J:TTS that were in t h ''w Wila Envelope. PHIL -eally were planning to give you the pictures, Mr. Mayor. That is, until you -.sre so casual about is not needing to worry about the cop who was after us. That made me a little suspicious because I never told you which cop it was. CLARA Then we got to talking and realized how dumb we were. (MORE) 102. CLARA (CONT'D) E If you came on to some waitress at the Rainbow, you must have felt pretty darn comfortable there. PHIL Which meant Stockton was probably your buddy. MR. STOCKTON Where are the pictures? PHIL But we were still confused, because if you guys are buddies, how do you explain the Falconwood Corporation? Mr. Stockton's face blanches. MR. STOCKTON They're obviously not going to tell us! Just shoot them! MAYOR DIGGS Wait. I've heard that name. What's the Falconwood Corporation? PHIL Runs the hiring of inspectors for the Department of Highways in Chicago. You Â¢ know, the ones who have been finding all those violations? MR. STOCKTON Manning! I said shoot them! LIEUTENANT MANNING I work for the Mayor, Terrence. MAYOR DIGGS Why do you keep interrupting, Terrence? PHIL Maybe because according to the paperwork you've got there, he owns Falconwood. CLARA Not only that, you'll see those other pages that he also owns a cc=rpany called Eurostruct - which rents the city all of its construction equipment. MR. STOCKTON Frank, Harry! Frank and Harry reach for their guns, but Manning turns his gun on them. E 103. PHIL The more violations Falconwood finds, the longer Eurostruct rents the equipment. That turns into big bucks, Mr. Mayor. I'm sure that's not a moral problem for you, but he's kind of screwing you in an election year, isn't he? Some of us are pretty pissed off about the roads. Mayor Diggs flips through the documents, taking it all MAYOR DIGGS You did this to me? I don't get it, Terrence. Why? How much do you need? I have the Lieutenant here watch your back on all of your gambling clubs- MR. STOCKTON Oh, do you mean the ones that you gamble at? Where I cover your debts? Those clubs? MAYOR DIGGS I slipped your company 5 no-bid foreclosed buildings for a dollar each downtown. MR. STOCKTON â¢ You think that pays for what I do for you? The girls I have to pay off? The jet charters? And let's not even get into your "re-election fund"! Let's not even go there! PHIL ( `TIKES HEAD) Listen to them. Stockton angrily pulls his own the gun out of his jacket pocket, shoving it against the back of Phil's neck. MR. STOCKTON How did you get this? How? HOLBROOKE (O.S.) Tha be from me. Mr. Stockton and others turn around to see HOLBROOKE P_IF SON, brandi= --.g his gun and looking like the FBI he always -t e_' to be, leap -= a pack of Cher AGEN=IS as they JT OF THE L '_:I T"_ : RIU? STEPS. HOLEROOK E (CONT ' D ) FBI! Drop it! 104. Manning tried to object, pulling out his bad HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) Yeah, yeah. I know all about you, buddy. With a smile Phil and Clara get up, disconnecting the WIRES under their clothing. Seeing them hand over the wires to Holbrooke, it hits Mayor Diggs what he's just revealed. MAYOR DIGGS Aw fuck. PHIL (SHRUGS) Makes you feel any better, I wasn't gonna vote for you anyway. CLARA either. EXT. FRONT OF PHIL AND CLARA'S HOUSE - MORNING As Holbrooke drops Phil and Clara off in front of their house, his BLACKBERRY buzzes and he checks it. Â¢ CLARA Everything OK? HOLBROOKE Yeah. They just need me downtown in half an hour for a news conference with the Deputy Mayor. Want it for the morning shows. PHIL Don't think they're going to be calling you the IT guy any-more. HOLBROOKE Listen guys, I feel weird about not even acknowledging you two. CLARA Don't. HOLBROOKE But you should be up there with me. You handed this whole case to me. PHIL (smiles, winks) Yeah, well-, that's how we roll. They get out of the car and start up the driveway. 0 105. Â¢ EXT. DOORSTEP - DAWN As Clara opens the front door, Phil slowly bends down, picking up the morning paper. CHAZ (O.S.) Hey hey! Up bright and early, aren Phil looks over to see his overly cheery neighbor Chaz in his jogging suit. He smiles, appreciating Chaz for the first time. PHIL Yep. We sure are. As he joins Clara on the doorstep, they take each other in. CLARA You have your presentation in a few hours. PHIL (SHRUGS) Yeah. You know, I think I'm gonna be OK. CLARA Â¢ I had a good time tonight. PHIL Yeah. Me too. It was fun. CLARA It was. PHIL So... let's do this again sometime? CLARA (SMILE) like that. For the first time the whole night, THEY KISS. Interlocking fingers, they head inside, closing their front door behind them. FACE OUT. THE END
ï»¿ DAVE BARRY'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS Written by Jeff Arch From the book by Dave Barry February 2nd, 2004 FADE IN: EXT. MIAMI - OCEAN AVE, SOUTH BEACH - DAY Blazing sun. MUSIC everywhere. Everybody's living la vida. LEOPOLD (V.0.) And we're good to go. TWO MEN come out of the BEACON HOTEL. Loud Hawaiian shirts, walking a Chihuahua. They pause; take in the scene on Ocean. Adjust their EARPIECES. LEOPOLD (V.0.) Proceed to first checkpoint and hold. They thread their way to the corner... across the street.. .onto the Promenade. Under fat shady palm trees, to a CLEARING -- CUT TO: EXT. THE ROOF OF THE BEACON HOTEL - CONTINUOUS AGENT STEARNS has a RIFLE with a kick-ass scope. AGENT LEOPOLD watches through binoculars; talks through a collar mike. LEOPOLD Okay sit tight. Company's coming. THROUGH BINOCULARS NOW, as TWO DEADLY MEN approach like barracudas. A THIRD GUY, BEHIND THEM, the KINGPIN they're protecting. Then as TREETOPS BLOCK THE VIEW -- LEOPOLD Shit. Hang on. Leopold scans, looking for them. Searching, until he FINDS -- LEOPOLD WHOA -- The Hawaiian Shirt Guys hear that. The SEE the Barracudas, getting nearer; steal a look at the roof... CUT TO: POV FROM ROOFTOP - THROUGH BINOCULARS - A FANTASTIC BLONDE rinses off at an outdoor shower. Beads of spray skip off her like diamonds in the sunlight. 2. STEARNS Oh, mama. She bends, twists; water streams down every delicious curve. LEOPOLD She sure is taking her time... STEARNS She must be really salty... LEOPOLD (shakes his head) It's not just the salt. She's got sunscreen on. Then the sand gets on that, and it sticks... (then still watching) Hell, one time I was in Hawaii? And these three models -- STEARNS Wait a minute. (looks at him) Hawaii. LEOPOLD -- Shit! He WHIPS THE BINOCULARS back: but all that's left is the Chihuahua. Then, walking into the spot -- DAVE Hi, I'm Dave Barry. Has something like this ever happened to you? (bends down to pet THE CHIHUAHUA) Because if you're a guy - or if you know someone who is - then what you've just seen should look pretty familiar. He picks up the Chihuahua, starts walking with it. DAVE Scientists call this condition "Lust Induced Brain Freeze." It affects millions of guys, every day, in all walks of life -- causing anything from a mild embarrassment, to an international incident. He stops. Finds LEOPOLD and STEARNS and SEVERAL OTHER AGENTS pointing GUNS at him. 3. LEOPOLD Hand over the dog. DAVE Hey. I didn't even know it was a dog. They take it from him; rush it away. Dave turns to CAMERA. DAVE Notice I didn't say it's a condition that affects men every day -- only guys. And that subtle but important difference is one of the things this movie is about. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A HUSBAND and his WIFE. He has suitcases by the front door. WIFE You'll never get away with this. I'll sue you down to your last penny. HUSBAND Good luck - I transferred everything we own into private accounts, where you can't touch it. In fact, as of now, you're broke. WIFE But...why? HUSBAND I've fallen in love with another woman. A younger woman. Prettier, with no cellulite. Actually, I think you'd like her. WIFE You bastard. The IMAGE FREEZES. Dave walks into the room. DAVE Now clearly, this woman is dealing with a Man. (MORE) 4. DAVE (CONT'D) Whereas Guys aren't capable of doing anything like what you just saw. Guys are more like this: CUT TO: INT. A BAR/RESTAURANT - NIGHT A DIFFERENT HUSBAND sits across from his WIFE. Above and behind her is a TV with SportsCenter on. WIFE I just want you to know, I've thought about this a lot. GUY HUSBAND Mm. WIFE And I've talked it over with everyone I know. GUY HUSBAND (NODS) Good. She looks down; stirs her soda. WIFE So there's nothing left to do now, but leave you, forever, and only see you from across a shiny conference table with bloodthirsty lawyers all around it. GUY HUSBAND (a beat; turns to her) -- Okay. WIFE "Okay?" That's all you have to say? (then watching him) Well then I guess this is it. She pushes back from the table, starts off. GUY HUSBAND Wait a minute. (THEN) This can't be happening... The words she's waited for. She turns, relieved. GUY HUSBAND (to the tv) How can you dQ that? How can you trade Lupenza? (then to the BARTENDER) What's the matter with these people? BARTENDER Beats me. I saw this on the eight o'clock. GUY HUSBAND He's the backbone of the whole team! They're pikers without Lupenza! WIFE I'll see you in court. GUY HUSBAND -- I gotta call Lenny. He takes out his cell phone. She levels a look. WIFE Maybe you should call your lawyer too. GUY HUSBAND If he could hit left-handed pitching, I would. (THEN) Lenny. Pick up -- the Yankees got Lupenza! The IMAGE FREEZES. CUT TO: EXT. A FRONT PORCH - DAY Two OLD PEOPLE on a glider. LENORE talks directly to CAMERA. ALBERT'S absorbed with some device that we can't see. LENORE Well when I met him, I didn't know so much. About guys, or men or what have you -- we just didn't talk about such things then. In fact, I didn't see him naked until quite well into our marriage. When was it Albert? 6. ALBERT A year ago. By accident. LENORE Anyway. I thought I was marrying a man, but didn't know that in his heart, he was a guy. DAVE (O.S.) When did you first suspect? LENORE Not long after the wedding. But it didn't bother me. I just didn't know how to recognize the signs. But we've learned to live with it. Haven't we, Albert? (then after a beat) Albert. ALBERT It's twelve hundred and thirty-one miles from this spot right here, to Cleveland. LENORE What does that have to do with anything? He holds up the device - handheld GPS. ALBERT Six hundred fifty-one from Atlanta. LENORE Who cares how far we are from Atlanta? ALBERT You have a cousin there. LENORE Albert. There's a person here asking us questions. There's a film crew here. He looks up at the CAMERA, as if just noticing someone there. Then holding up the GPS -- ALBERT You. Where do you live. DAVE (O.S.) Here in Miami. ALBERT What part. Lenore buries her head. CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI BEACH - DAY Dave walks down a crowded street. Colorful day life. DAVE Like a lot of big cities, Miami is known for its sizeable population of guys. So we came here to take the city's pulse on the subject. CUT TO: INT. A SECRETARY'S OFFICE CUBICLE - DAY A young, pretty, single SECRETARY. SECRETARY Let me put it this way. Everyone I ever dated was a male. I mean they were all men. But only some of them were guys. You know? DAVE (O.S.) I see. SECRETARY (thinks about it) -- The guys were funnier. But the men were more responsible. You could almost half-believe them when they told you something sometimes. DAVE (O.S.) So, if you were to meet someone that was funny and responsible... SECRETARY That would be a woman. CUT TO: EXT. EQUESTRIAN ESTATE - STABLES - DAY A 20-ish HORSE GROOMER talks to the CAMERA while she combs out a mane. 8. HORSE GROOMER Well guys, they're sort of like your older brother. And men are like your dad. DAVE (O.S.) In what way? HORSE GROOMER Your older brother doesn't have to grow up. Your dad came that way. CUT TO: EXT. BARN - DAY Dave walks out of the barn towards CAMERA. DAVE So now you have some background on basic guy attributes. But before we move on, let's look at one more scene and see where you stand -- CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "ROGER AND ELAINE" INT. ELAINE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY ELAINE works at a window desk. ROGER watches NFL on FOX. JOHN MADDEN (ON TV) -- now that's the kind of middle linebacker you like to see. He's got the mud all over him, he's got the bleeding knuckles, he's got the clumps of grass all jammed in his HELMET -- ELAINE Roger? ROGER (to the tv) Oh man you gotta show that again Shepauses; chews her pen... ELAINE Roger...I think I really love you. (MORE) 9 ELAINE (CONT'D) (looks over there) But I can't bear the uncertainty anymore, of where this relationship is going. Roger turns... ELAINE I'm not asking whether you want to get married. Only whether you believe that we have some kind of a future together. That you, and I - have a future. JOHN MADDEN Now this is just what you want in a playoff game. You got snow, you got mud, you got a lead that keeps changing, you got two great teams that just hate each other to the bone and would rather die than give up... Roger looks...then takes the REMOTE and TURNS OFF THE TV - waving Elaine over, who cuddles into him. ROGER I've been thinking too, Elaine. And for the first time in my life, I'm feeling like I might really be close to a lasting commitment. I haven't said anything up until now because it's always been important to me that I not mislead you. But yes, Elaine. I want to think that we dQ have a future. And with a little more time, I think I could be sure. ELAINE Oh, Roger... He smiles. Strokes her hair and pulls her in even closer. They share a long deep sigh together, As the PICTURE FREEZES and DAVE WALKS IN. DAVE If this was how you responded, you're not a guy. You may not even exist. (then taking the remote) On the other hand... 10. ROGER AND ELAINE DIGITALLY REWIND BACK TO THEIR EARLIER POSITIONS. DAVE RESTARTS THE ACTION AS ELAINE IS SAYING -- ELAINE I'm not asking whether you want to get married. Only whether you believe that we have some kind of a future together. That you, and I - have a future. (then looking at him) Roger? ROGER (engrossed in game) What. FREEZE on her look, and -- DAVE (TO CAMERA) If that was you...you're a guy. CUT TO: INT. A DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT SHERYL CROW talks to the CAMERA before going onstage. The muffled SOUNDS of the warmup band O.S. SHERYL CROW Well there were always guys at my shows - right from the beginning. I mean you start out playing beer halls, right? So when you have beer, you have guys. And it sorta just grew from there. But I was okay with it. They didn't cause much trouble. DAVE (O.S.) And what about men. SHERYL CROW Men cause trouble. (THEN) But that's okay too. I get half my songs from that. DAVE (O.S.) So it all works out. 11. SHERYL CROW Long as they buy the records... CUT TO: INT. MIAMI PUBLIC LIBRARY - DAY Dave walks along the stacks in the ANTHROPOLOGY SECTION. DAVE So where did this all start? Many experts now think they know where men came from, but what about Guys? where did they come from? He stops, peels off a THICK BOOK full of science things. DAVE To answer this question accurately, we might have to look something up. So instead we'll travel back to prehistoric sub-Saharan Africa, and get there just in time for the Dawn of Guys. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE DAWN OF GUYS" CUT TO: EXT. PREHISTORIC AFRICA - MOONLIGHT The endless expanse. A cluster of caves. SOUND EFX of all kinds of nasty shit out there. Skittering over rocks. Slithering through the grasses. Bigger predators, circling... A ROOSTER cocks his head back and CROWS out. CUT TO: TNT. ONE OF THE CAVES PRIMATE ROGER opens one eye...SEES PRIMATE ELAINE, PRIMATE KIDS and PRIMATE IN-LAWS. Hairy grunting things, all sleeping in a protective clump... 12. He rolls over, back to sleep. But the ROOSTER CROWS again... CUT TO: THE ROOSTER, COOKING ON AN OPEN FIRE CUT TO: EXT. THE CAVES - MORNING PRIMATE ROGER comes out. A sleepy nod at PRIMATE GENE and OTHER PRIMATES, as they take up LARGE JAGGED ROCK SLABS leaning against their caves and start off. In a few million years they'll be leaving suburban driveways this way. EXT. TRAIL FROM CAVE AREA - CAVES IN B.G. - MORNING PRIMATE ROGER and PRIMATE GENE have joined PRIMATE LENNY and PRIMATE PHIL. All carrying their slabs of jagged rocks. PRIMATE ROGER Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt! (SUBTITLE) 0 -- and that's why wildebeests are so mean. PRIMATE GENE Grunt grunt!0 Ha ha! PRIMATE LENNY Grunt grunt grunt! 0 That's really funny! PRIMATE PHIL Grunt ...0 I don't get it... The other three look at him. EXT. THE CAVE AREA - DAY PRIMATE WOMEN work in stooped-over positions, trying to pound roots and tend fires while BABY PRIMATES crawl all over them. They HEAR the Primate Guys' laughter trailing off. They trade looks; Something seems to pass between them... EXT. HUNTING GROUNDS - DAY Primates Roger, Gene, Lenny and Phil get to the grounds and SEE PRIMATES PETE and LOUIE already there. These two don't have the rock slabs though. 13 PRIMATE ROGER Grunt grunt?0 Whassup? PRIMATE PETE Grunt grunt grunt. 0 Nothing. We've been hunting. PRIMATE GENE Grunt grunt? 0 Where are your jagged rock slabs? PRIMATE LOUIE Grunt? â Slabs? (looks at Primate PETE) Grunt grunt grunt? â Who needs slabs? Primate Pete laughs with him; then holds up a ROUND ROCK, about the size of a grapefruit. Primate Roger and Primate Gene trade looks with Primate Lenny and Primate Phil. Grunting/subtitles continue. FIRST FOUR PRIMATES Ooooohhhh. Ooooohhhh. PRIMATE ROGER Where'd you get that? PRIMATE PETE Primate Discount Manny. He just got them in. PRIMATE ROGER Mind if I have a look? PRIMATE PETE Be my guest. He hands it over. Primate Roger lays down his jagged rock slab to check it out. His buddies gather round. PRIMATE GENE How do you kill an animal with that? PRIMATE LOUIE You throw it. 14. PRIMATE LENNY You mean you don't chase the old ones until they get tired and then hit them with the jagged rock slabs? PRIMATE PETE (shakes his head) You can stand in one place all day. And when they go by, you just let loose. He shows a throwing motion. The first four look intrigued. PRIMATE LOUIE You can carry more than one - and if you're throwing uphill, it rolls back down if you miss. It's so much easier with these. PRIMATE GENE -- I'm sticking with mine. (then off their looks) We've been using these jagged slabs forever. And you know why? Because they work. And anyway, killing them is only half of it -- how are you gonna skin a wildebeest with that? They look at Primate Pete: Yeah, how? But he's there. PRIMATE PETE We get the women to do it. They look among themselves. They like it. But then. PRIMATE ROGER How? PRIMATE PETE -- I'm working on it. CUT TO: EXT. THE CAVE AREA - SUNSET The PRIMATE WOMEN are still, pounding roots and tending fires and dealing with climbing PRIMATE KIDS. They HEAR SHOUTS O.S.; gather and go to the ridge where they SEE POV FROM RIDGE -- The PRIMATE GUYS are coming back, without their jagged slabs and without any animals. But they are having great fun: 15. running in primitive patterns, and throwing one of the ROCKS back and forth and chasing whoever has it. It looks like the beginnings of rugby, or Australian Rules Football, in terms of all they need now is beer. The PRIMATE WOMEN watch. And trade looks. Once more, something seems to pass between them... CUT TO: INT. PRIMATE CAVE - NIGHT Primate Roger and Primate Elaine try to keep it down for the Primate Kids' sake. PRIMATE ELAINE (grunting, subtitled) Please don't tell me you got rid of your jagged rock slab. PRIMATE ROGER But these are great! PRIMATE ELAINE But you didn't kill anything. PRIMATE ROGER Nobody's going with jagged slabs anymore. PRIMATE ELAINE But the kids are hungry. PRIMATE ROGER What about your pounded roots? PRIMATE ELAINE Pounded roots are a side dish. They need balance in their diets. (then off his look) And another thing - suppose you do start bringing animals home using this -- who's going to skin and clean them? He looks at her-the SOUND of TOMORROW'S ROOSTER CROWING as CUT TO: EXT. THE CAVE - MORNING Primate Roger comes out of the cave, with his rock. He gives it such a look. 16. Then looking up at the sky he hurls it, up as high as he can... AND THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THE ROCK, UP, UP, IN SLOW MOTION, PEAKING, THEN STARTING ITS DESCENT BACK TO EARTH -- ONLY NOW IT'S NOT A ROCK BUT A WINDOWS -- CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- which ROGER is holding, across from ELAINE on the couch. ELAINE Five hundred dollars? ROGER It can hold a thousand addresses. ELAINE So can my address book. ROGER Can your address book pick up your em-ail? ELAINE No but my computer can. ROGER Well this can do both. ELAINE For five hundred dollars it should give me a manicure, Roger! It should drive me home from work at night! HOW could you spend that kind of money without discussing it first? On Roger's look...the PICTURE FREEZES. Dave walks in. DAVE There's a whole list of things a guy is supposed to discuss first. Unfortunately, he never knows what they are until he's already not discussed them. (MORE) 17. DAVE (CONT'D) To a girl it's a pain in the butt. But to a guy - some things just come naturally... CUT TO: EXT. THE PROW OF A SHIP - DAY Shrouded in fog. EXPLORER ROGER scans the horizon through a spyglass. Next to him is long-suffering EXPLORER ELAINE. EXPLORER ELAINE Well did you ask? EXPLORER ROGER This is a shortcut. Explorer Elaine shakes her head. Dave enters. DAVE There's a very simple reason why guys don't ask for directions. It's because they know that if they do, someone else - most likely Visigoths - will come and steal their woman. CAMERA PANS to the side rails, where a CLUSTER OF HUNGRY VISIGOTHS nod, slobbering, confirming this. EXPLORER ELAINE I just want to get to Colonial America. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUYS IN COLONIAL AMERICA" EXT. BOSTON HARBOR - NIGHT A bunch of GUYS dressed as Indians are throwing barrels into the water. A COLONIAL REPORTER interviews COLONIAL ROGER. COLONIAL REPORTER -- and this is your way of expressing the public outrage over the high- handed anti-democratic actions of the British Government in general and King George III in specific? COLONIAL ROGER (looks a little nervous) Uh, yeah. 18. COLONIAL REPORTER Might I ask, sir, whose idea was this? COLONIAL ROGER (POINTS) Guy over there. COLONIAL REPORTER The one drinking coffee? COLONIAL ROGER That's him. His name's Starbuck. He said to get rid of all the tea. COLONIAL REPORTER (NODS; THEN) I see. One more question. Aren't those Greek fraternity letters painted on your chest? The Guy looks; GREEK LETTERS in greasepaint. COLONIAL ROGER I didn't do that. (then as the Reporter WAITS) Don't tell anyone. CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY FOUR MIAMI GIRLS, ethnically cross-sectioned. LILA. MIA. SIDRA. KARLA E. LILA Well that's pretty much how it is right now, right? They don't grow up. Or, they grow up, but they don't change. MIA (NODS) You want to know how to spot a guy, there's your first clue: Look for an otherwise man who did not grow up. SIDRA No they grow up all right -- but only just enough - you know? (MORE) 19. SIDRA (CONT'D) Like they'll meet the absolute minimum requirements of being a man, but that's it. The rest of the time they're fourth-graders. Walking fourth-graders. KARLA E More like driving fourth graders. SIDRA With credit cards. LILA And a phone. MIA And give them ten minutes on their own? Or put them in with other guys? Now you've gone nuclear. KARLA E Please. CUT TO: EXT. BURGER KING - DAY The lot is filled with 60's and 70's cars. Dave gets out of a CHEVY VEGA; has mutton-chop sideburns, talks to CAMERA. DAVE In learning to understand Guys today, it's important to remember that these same guys, only yesterday, were just kids. CUT TO : INT. BURGER KING - DAY A table of 8 YEAR OLD BOYS: punching, eating, climbing all over each other. One poor luckless DAD with them. BURGER KING DAD Stop punching! BURGER KING KID We're not punching! BURGER KING DAD You are too punching - now stop! We didn't come here to punch! 20. They stop; look at him as if he's crazy. Then one of them notices ROGER AT 8 looking O.S. BURGER KING KID Hey Roger's got a girlfriend. ROGER AT 8 I do not! BURGER KING KID Then what're you looking at! ROGER AT 8 Nothing! And they start punching again. The Dad looks up - so weary... DAVE (AT COUNTER) Here we can see where even at an early age, guy behavior is already well developed along complex patterns that social scientists have called, "jerks." While girls at the same age are referred to by the same social scientists, as "human beings." ANGLE ON A TABLE FULL OF GIRLS - INCLUDING ELAINE AT AGE 8 They are all chatting nicely, passing out napkins and ketchup packets making sure everyone has what they need. While the MOTHER that brought them quietly reads a novel. DAVE See? Humans. He walks past with his takeout order. As ELAINE at 8 notices Roger, blushing, taking all this punishment because of her. BURGER KING DAD (as Dave exits) Will you please stop punching! CUT TO: INT. NOTED PEDIATRICIAN'S OFFICE - DAY Dave sits across from a BRITISH GUY with a SUBTITLE saying, "Noted Pediatrician. " He has a laser pointer and a powerpoint presentation. 21. DAVE Where are we in the area of Guy Violence, Doctor. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT Well first, one must understand the inherent differences in DNA and cell structure as relates to men and women. (CLICKING SLIDES) For example, all women have a gene that makes them have the need for meaningful conversations. Likewise, all men have a gene in them that we scientists believe is directly related to violence. DAVE And what can be done about that. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT well, some of my esteemed colleagues are quite keen on the idea of tampering with the DNA itself - an idea with which I heartily disagree. The bastards... DAVE Then what would you recommend. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT Me? Well they can start by spreading out the funding a little bit. Let a few other scientists wet their beaks. I mean what's the point of rewarding the same tired old hacks, year after YEAR -- DAVE I meant about Guy Violence. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT OH -- (then shifting back) Well nothing, really. I mean, what can you do. Short of lobotomizing them, anyway. No I suppose we'll just have to continue to channel their aggression into socially acceptable outlets. Like professional wrestling, or the space program. DAVE I see. Can I ask you a question? 22. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT Certainly. DAVE Where'd you get that laser pointer. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT It's mine. CUT TO: EXT. TOY WORLD WAREHOUSE PLANET - DAY Dave stands in front of the entrance. DAVE A lot of work has been done in the field of children's toys and how they unconsciously reinforce gender roles. Studies have found that over ninety-three per cent of this work is done by researchers who don't have children of their own. But to test the theory anyway, we're here at Toy World Warehouse Planet. CUT TO: INT. TOY WORLD WAREHOUSE PLANET - DAY Dave shepherds new father GENE up to the CUSTOMER HELP counter. DAVE Hi! My friend here is looking for toys for his son that are gender neutral, environmentally sound, and culturally unbiased! SALES GUY Here it is. He brings up a box with a picture of a spinning top on it. NEW FATHER GENE What's it do? SALES GUY It's recyclable. 23. NEW FATHER GENE Where are the trucks and guns. CUT TO: EXT. TOY WORLD PARKING LOT - DAY New Father Gene meets up with NEW MOTHER KELLY at the car. She came from GROCERY WORLD; he helps load up the bags... NEW MOTHER KELLY What's this? NEW FATHER GENE (looks, sees the toy STORE BOX) Oh I got that for Benjy. NEW MOTHER KELLY You were supposed to get a rattle. NEW FATHER GENE All the rattles were recalled. NEW MOTHER KELLY So you bought a tank. NEW FATHER GENE Wait'll you see what this can do, baby. Benjy's gonna love it. NEW MOTHER KELLY Oh yeah? Can he shake it? Will it rattle? NEW FATHER GENE Rattle? This thing'll bring down a bookshelf! She looks at him. He'll be returning the thing within seconds. CAMERA PANS to Dave, who shrugs. CUT TO: EXT. DETROIT - ED'S AUTO SHOP - DAY A rundown place with junked cars out front. ED's an intense little guy in a Tigers' hat and a couple major tattoos. ED Well I'm into fireworks. I like to take 'em apart, you know. And study 'em. See what makes 'em tick. 24. He shows Dave a box with ASSORTED FIREWORKS inside. ED I just got these from Ohio. I don't think they're as good as the ones I got from Tennessee. Not as loud, you know? DAVE Well no, if loud is your -- ED If you want to hear loud - listen to this. He goes over to a different box, takes out what looks like a stick of dynamite. Gets ready to light it; turns to CAMERA. ED You may want to step back a couple hundred yards. CUT TO: INT. DAVE'S CAR - TRAVELING - DAY As Ed's Auto Shop recedes in the background - with a LOUD EXPLOSION accompanying - DAVE So when we see guys like Ed, and his fireworks - or guys shooting marine flares into innocent pumpkins, or building catapults that'll throw a Buick - we should not condemn them. We should not assume these are just pointless juvenile activities. Instead we should be convinced they are, and move on to Guys in the Workplace. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - PHILADELPHIA - DAY A PHILADELPHIA GIRL stands outside a CHEESESTEAK PLACE. PHILADELPHIA GIRL Guys at work? Or guys doing work. (MORE) 25. PHILADELPHIA GIRL (CONT'D) I mean unless you want to talk about faxing or emailing their stupid jokes back and forth. Sick jokes. CUT TO: EXT. WALL STREET - DAY Dave and a SEASONED BROKER eat HOT DOGS from a CORNER CART. BROKER Ten, fifteen years ago? A guy would call you up with some joke he just heard. So you wanna pass it on, it's by phone. One person at a time. Then a while later, some guy calls you up with the same exact joke. Then when group faxing came in, it really sped things up. Next thing you know there's like ten faxes on your machine, from places you never even heard of. Places around the world, I'm saying. DAVE And how long would that take. BROKER A run of the mill, 'guy walks into a bar' joke, those'd take about .a. week to come back to you. The topical ones, your mass murders and tragic accidents and the like, they're naturally gonna have a lot more heat on them and they'll circulate a lot quicker. I mean no one's gonna sit on a Princess Diana joke until three weeks after the crash. No one i know, anyway. (THEN CHEWING) Now there's the internet -- and what used to take a week'll take like seconds. I'm telling you it's getting harder and harder to keep up. DAVE A lot of people don't understand the attention and the kind of importance these jokes have. BROKER Who. (MORE) 26. BROKER (CONT'D) (THEN) Oh you mean women? Well, you know - what's the importance of having fifteen pairs of shoes? DAVE No one knows that. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "ROGER AND ELAINE" INT. ELAINE'S CAR - DAY Roger is slumped across the back seat; messed-up clothes and in obvious pain. Elaine drives; talks to CAMERA. ELAINE So I get this call at work. (then to Roger back THERE) You want to tell this? ROGER Its just a sprain. ELAINE (shakes her head) I get on the phone and they say he's okay - but maybe I should come down to the paper and get him. Does he look okay? ROGER It's a sprain. It just looks worse. ELAINE Not the way I heard it. CUT TO: TNT. NEWSPAPER BUILDING - EARLIER THAT DAY Roger's at his desk; can't help but HEAR PATRICK, TOM and GENE talking nearby. PATRICK He's how old? TOM High school. A sophomore. 27. GENE Big deal. I could run the forty that fast. TOM You and who - the Flash? This kid set a national record. GENE Yeah? What nation. BACK TO: TNT. ELAINE'S CAR - CONTINUING ELAINE (TO ROGER) Tell me something. If the article was about a poem there wouldn't be an argument - would there. ROGER Why would there be an article about a poem. ELAINE I'm just saying. I don't see the four of you fighting over who can write the better sonnet. ROGER So? ELAINE So no one gets hurt writing sonnets. ROGER (off her look; then) It's a sprain. BACK TO: INT. THE NEWSPAPER BUILDING - DAY Roger listens more agitated as the argument mounts. GENE When did you last run the forty? PATRICK Hey. I could beat you in the forty running backwards. 28. TOM You couldn't even beat your butt running backwards. ROGER (from his desk) Will you guys cut it out? They stop. Look at him. ROGER The kid in the story's in high school. You're not. You're supposed to be adults and you're bragging about who can beat who in a stupid footrace. TOM No one's bragging. PATRICK Gene's just saying he can run the forty in under six seconds. ROGER Hey. I can do it in under six seconds. FREEZE THE PICTURE, on their expressions. BRING UP "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" MUSIC DISSOLVE T0: EXT. CITY PARK - DAY The FOUR GUYS crouch in their starting stance. A SECRETARY stands at the end of a marked-off course with a stopwatch and a whistle. She blows the whistle. They're off. SLOW MOTION WITH MUSIC All four guys explode off the line. Patrick gets five strides and goes down. Tom gets two more and falls, howling in pain. Then Gene and Roger, neck and neck for at least three more strides until Roger HEARS A "POP," that ECHOES over the music, and goes toppling down. As Gene finishes alone - gripping his side in awful pain but pumping his fist in victory. 29. MUSIC FADES AS DISSOLVE TO: INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elaine comes in; Roger, limping and leaning heavily on her. ELAINE I don't know why I listened to you. You need to see a doctor. ROGER It's a sprain, Elaine. ELAINE Roger you can't walk. ROGER It'll work itself out. She gives him a look. Parks him long enough to close the door behind him. Without her support, he drops to the floor. She turns to the CAMERA. ELAINE Why won't they go to the doctor? CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY British, white coat, stethoscope. DOCTOR Here's why. He holds up a RUBBER GLOVE. Dangles it harmlessly. DOCTOR I don't care who they are. If they think there's even a chance their doctor will use one of these - and they always assume there is - they won't come in. (MORE) 30. DOCTOR (CONT'D) (puts it away, shakes HIS HEAD) If there's anything out there that would bring them in... it hasn't been invented yet. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE FANTASY GUY MEDICAL CLINIC" EXT. FANTASY GUY MEDICAL CLINIC - DAY It says so on the SIGN. ANOTHER SIGN, like an international road sign, has a graphic of a HAND IN A RUBBER GLOVE with a RED LINE through it. There are also SPORTS TEAM BANNERS. CUT TO: INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY The DOCTOR checks a GUY'S chart. There's a TV with ESPN on in the exam room. GUY DOCTOR What seems to be the problem? GUY PATIENT Well the main thing is, I keep coughing up blood. And I get these really severe chest pains, and double vision sometimes. And every night at sunset, little worms come burrowing out of my skin. GUY DOCTOR It's just a sprain. GUY PATIENT That's what I thought. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUY FEELINGS" INT. MIAMI - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY Karla E, Mia, Lila and Sidra again, with Dave. DAVE A lot has been said about how guys don't share their feelings. 31 KARLA E You mean they have them? MIA Or they have them and don't acknowledge them. LILA Or they don't think that others have them. SIDRA Or they just don't think. DAVE (as they agree on THAT) -- Is it possible that they do have feelings, they do acknowledge them and they do know others have them - but they just don't express it the same way? Four blank faces look at him. Then. KARLA E Sports. They have feelings about sports. LILA And their underwear. (POLLS THEM) You ever try and throw out their underwear? MIA Once. I nearly lost my life. SIDRA They act like it's so sacred. I've seen pairs of briefs with holes in them larger than the leg holes. (as the others nod) I tried to throw a pair out once? And sneak it past him? He went out into the garbage and found them. He said he couldn't trust me after that. KARLA E Tell me what that's all about. SIDRA I don't even want to think about it. 32. DAVE (off their reactions) So you agree then, that guys at least have feelings. MIA They just waste them. That's all. CUT TO: EXT. SUBURBAN TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT ROGER and ELAINE get out of Roger's car. Elaine has an armload of magazines. ELAINE Now remember. Gene's dad is real sick. Kelly says he doesn't talk about it. So see if you can draw him out. ROGER He already did talk about it. ELAINE Oh? What did he say? ROGER He said his dad is real sick. She gives him a look. Gets to the door. ROGER What are those? ELAINE Kelly's boss is turning forty. ROGER So you're giving her magazines? ELAINE (a look; then) Just see if you can get him to talk. CUT TO: INT. DEN - NIGHT There's a GAME on. Gene sort of stares. Roger has a SHOEBOX on his lap; goes through Gene's SEGA cartridges. 33. ROGER Galaxians. Far out... GENE (while Roger keeps LOOKING) Can you believe the Yankees got Lupenza. ROGER They get everybody. GENE I know. They suck. ROGER I know. Silence. Roger pulls out two cartridges, compares them. GENE I got to Level 24 of Arkanoids. ROGER (TURNS) -- You're kidding. Gene shakes his head. He's not. This is big. ROGER You've seen the Evil Presence? (then off his look) What's it look like? Gene shrugs; even the best of friends. Roger understands. CAMERA PANS to Dave. DAVE Believe it or not, ladies - that was sharing. (then nods to kitchen) And believe it or not, guys - so is THIS -- CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Elaine and Kelly with magazines and writing pads. ELAINE Well I don't know. How do you think she feels about getting older? 34 KELLY I don't know... I know how I felt. How did you feel about it? ELAINE How does anybody feel. KELLY (NODS) So you think she'll want a smaller gathering? ELAINE Well if we go that way, we know who to invite. KELLY But then who do we not invite. ELAINE Exactly. And how are they going to feel about that. KELLY So maybe we should make it a slightly larger gathering. ELAINE -- Depends on the food, I guess. I mean, if we go with a larger gathering... KELLY Exactly. ELAINE (finds the right MAGAZINE) I saw something earlier in here about low-fat hors d'oeuvres. KELLY Oh - I've seen that one too. They open to the article, scanning it. ELAINE Hmm. KELLY Hmm. 35. ELAINE You thinking what I'm thinking? KELLY That if we have low fat hors d'oeuvres she'll think we noticed she's gaining weight? ELAINE Exactly. KELLY (CONSIDERS THAT) Maybe just blow it out, you know? I mean it's a party. Go with the high fat. ELAINE Thinking she won't think we've noticed the weight gain. KELLY Unless she thinks that's insensitive. You know, that we hadn't noticed... ELAINE Hmm... They close the magazine, look through the others when: KELLY How about medium fat hors d'oeuvres? ELAINE And we could cut them into smaller pieces? KELLY (THEN) She could think we were being cheap. ELAINE And how would she feel about that... CUT TO: INT. THE DEN - SAME Roger and Gene watch a PORSCHE COMMERCIAL without the sound. GENE That one has the GPS. With the screen that has maps of everything? 36. ROGER What about with the convertible. GENE It's optional on the convertible. Unless you get the turbo, then it's standard. ROGER Phil Wonkerman got the turbo. GENE No shit...Phil got a Porsche? ROGER Said it was his birthday present to himself. GENE (IMPRESSED; THEN) When was his birthday. ROGER Beats me. Probably around the same time when he got the car. GENE No shit... (THEN) Maybe we should get him something. ROGER (looks at him) He just got a Porsche. GENE Right. They look at the TV again. Then, from the kitchen doorway: ELAINE Roger? They turn. Elaine gives Roger a look. PICTURE FREEZES AS: 37. DAVE Roger met Elaine at a company event. CUT TO: EXT. A HOTEL POOL - DAY PEOPLE with NAMETAGS mingle with drinks and appetizers. Dave comes away from the hot buffet table with a great haul. DAVE -- They discovered they had something in common right away. He points to ROGER and ELAINE, over by a tiki-torch. ELAINE You're kidding! That was you? At the Burger King? ROGER I was in fourth grade. ELAINE I was too! But my God, you remembered that? DAVE (off Roger's nod) She loved that he remembered that. CUT TO: INT. A BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT A GLOW-BOWL night; neon and black light and MUSIC. DAVE (handing out shoes) A few nights later, he asked her out. He points over to the LANE where they're bowling. DAVE They had a good time, and so he asked her again. And then before too long they were seeing each other regularly, and not seeing anyone else. (MORE) 38. DAVE (CONT'D) (THEN) Of course, Elaine was the only one who knew that... CUT TO: EXT. RESTAURANT - PARKING LOT - NIGHT Roger opens Elaine's door for her, then goes around. She lingers, watches him before she gets in. ROGER What. ELAINE Nothing... She smiles; gets in. Roger pauses. CAMERA PANS TO DAVE. DAVE Roger has no idea that this was a defining moment for her. Roger gets in. Fuzzy but not sure why. CUT TO: INT. ROGER'S CAR - NIGHT Roger drives. Elaine looks out ahead. Long stretch of road and no one on it. She turns; looks at him. ELAINE Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months? CAMERA HOLDS on her. She waits. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE Gee...I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. Maybe he's been feeling confined enough by our relationship as it is... CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. ROGER'S INNER VOICE Six months... 39 CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE He's worried. (then thinking about IT) Well hey - you know? I'm not so sure I want this kind of a relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going this way. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. ROGER'S INNER VOICE So that means it was...let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer... (he looks down at it) Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE. An OVAL IMAGE OF HER APPEARS in the top corner of the screen; they watch him together. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE He's upset. I can see it on his face. ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE You know, maybe you're reading this completely wrong - and he wants more from the relationship. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE (CONSIDERS IT) More intimacy...more commitment... (AND THEN) -- and maybe what's happening, is he's sensing my reservations? 40 ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE Well don't bet the farm on it. But -- ELAINE'S INNER VOICE -- And that's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings - he's afraid of being rejected... CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. ROGER'S INNER VOICE And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's eighty-seven degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddam garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent lowlife bastards six hundred dollars. CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE -- He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE (TO ELAINE) You know what your problem is? You're too idealistic. You're waiting for some knight to come riding up on his white horse, when you're sitting next to a perfectly good person, a person you enjoy being with, a person you truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about you. A person who is in pain because of this self-centered, schoolgirl fantasy that you insist on clinging to. CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. His OVAL IMAGE APPEARS; at the LOCAL BAR with a beer in front of him and pool tables in b.g. ROGER'S INNER VOICE They'll probably say it's only a ninety day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. 41 ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE Let 'em say what they want. You don't have to listen. ELAINE Roger? ROGER'S INNER VOICE You know you're right. They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddam warranty. I'll take their lousy warranty and stick it right up their -- ELAINE Roger. ROGER (STARTLED) -- What? ELAINE Please don't torture yourself like this. Maybe I should never have... (BREAKING DOWN) Oh God, I feel so... ROGER (looks over, alarmed) WHAT -- She struggles to keep control. Her OVAL IMAGE disapproves. ELAINE I'm such a fool. I mean I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse. ROGER There's no horse? He looks up; his OVAL IMAGE SHRUGS; gets up off the stool. ELAINE You think I'm a fool, don't you? ROGER (reacting to the Oval ROGER) -- no! He looks over at her; not sure who he responded to...but it appears he said the right thing anyway. 42. ELAINE It's just.. .well I need ...time, I think. I think I need some time. Roger looks up at his OVAL IMAGE: gone. He looks at Elaine. ROGER -- Time. Yes. ELAINE (moved, touches his HAND) Oh Roger, do you really feel that way? ROGER What way? ELAINE About time. Do you feel that way about time? Roger looks confused. His OVAL IMAGE is off playing pool now. He turns to Elaine; does his best to look decisive. ROGER Oh. Well. Yes. Yes I do, feel that way. About time. ELAINE (MELTS) Thank you, Roger. ROGER -- Thank you. They smile. Look forward. He looks a little nervous. She looks serene... CUT TO: EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT Roger drives away. Elaine goes into her building. Already dialing her cell phone... 43. BLAINE Come on, Kelly -- pick up. CUT TO: INT. ROGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT .while Roger and his OVAL IMAGE watch an OBSCURE FOREIGN SOCCER GAME. Share a giganto bag of Doritos. ROGER Hey, Ref - look alive. Those guys were offsides. ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE They suck. ROGER Who, the Albanians or the Moroccans. ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE They both suck. ROGER I know. He eats some more Doritos. But then suddenly-he pauses. ROGER I think I missed something back there. ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE Wait for the replay. ROGER (shakes his head) No I mean in the car. ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE Can't help you. I was shooting pool. Roger looks up at his Oval Image. It shrugs. CUT TO: EXT. A JUICE BAR - DAY Elaine huddles with Kelly. KELLY .and you said 'there's no knight.' 44. ELAINE (NODS) - and no horse. KELLY Did you say 'no knight and no horse,' or 'no horse and no knight?' She looks at Elaine.. This is crucial. ELAINE I said 'no knight.' And then I said 'no horse.' (THEN) I know he agreed to the knight. KELLY But maybe not the horse. Elaine racks her brain; just can't say for sure. KELLY It's probably not important... (then watching her) This is really it for you. Isn't it. ELAINE (looks at her; nods) Really it. KELLY (glad for her) Does he know it? Elaine looks up; she has no idea. CUT TO: EXT. LOCAL HOOPS COURT - DAY Roger and Gene get ready for some 1 on 1. Roger passes to Gene... ROGER Check. .who passes it right back. GENE Check. 45. Roger takes the ball, dribbles, almost starts but doesn't. Gene looks at him. ROGER Listen. GENE What. ROGER (a beat; then) -- Elaine and I. GENE Elaine and you what. ROGER (a beat; then he shrugs) We sort of have this -- thing. He looks at Gene. Conveys the full impact of this. Then -- ROGER Did she ever mention owning a horse? GENE Who. ROGER Elaine. She ever talk about horses? Like, to Kelly or something? GENE Not that I know of. Why? Roger thinks.. .then shakes it off. Throws the ball to Gene. ROGER What's the score. GENE We haven't started yet. They start to play. CAMERA FINDS DAVE, on a nearby bench. DAVE Roger's in love. CUT TO: INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY SHERYL CROW takes a break in the MIXING BOOTH. 46. SHERYL CROW I can sympathize with your friend, man. I've seen a lot of guys go there. DAVE Do you have any advice for a guy in love? SHERYL CROW I don't know - most of my songs are about guys out of love. DAVE I see. SHERYL CROW Cause you know, a guy in love - a guy who's where your friend's at, anyway - they don't know where they are. They're like an ant, standing on a truck tire. They don't know how they got there - all they know is that's not where they were a minute ago. But then they sort of get vaguely okay with it, you know? They start hangin' out there, they're feelin' pretty good. (THEN) Until the thing starts moving. DAVE What happens then. SHERYL CROW Well then they get crushed. Dave gulps. She shrugs. SHERYL CROW Rock and roll, my friend. Life in the city. CUT TO: INT. TWO OLD PEOPLE ON A COUCH - DAY OLD MAN November 8, 1960. The day John Kennedy beat Nixon and won the White House. That was the day I met her. His WIFE turns, looks at him funny. 47 OLD MAN It was close the whole way - it was neck and neck by God. But then old Kennedy Senior rode on in on that big old pile of money of his, and fixed the results in Illinois. And that made all the difference. Happiest day of my life, just about. She watches him. The man is hopeless. OLD MAN I was walking away from a newspaper stand, with my head buried in the final edition. And I looked up, and there she was. (he looks over at his WIFE) You were wearing a yellow sun dress and there was a smudge of makeup just over your left eye. He smiles at her. Gets a thin smile back. OLD MAN What. OLD LADY That wasn't me. OLD MAN Of course it was you. What are you talking about? OLD LADY It was your first wife. OLD MAN Nonsense. OLD LADY (TO CAMERA) We met in Sacramento. Eight and a half years ago. OLD MAN Don't believe her. OLD LADY I've never owned a yellow sun dress in my life. And even if I did, I wouldn't be wearing it in November. 48. OLD MAN (off her look) -- The point is, in 1960 an Irish Catholic could be elected president of this fine country, as long as his father was a filthy rich rum-runner with connections to the Mafia! And when Nixon did get elected, he had to quit! His wife shakes her head. CUT TO: INT. KELLY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Kelly and Gene on the sofa. KELLY Well we didn't know each other. I mean, of course we didn't - we hadn't met yet. But we were both invited to the same party, by different people who we only knew marginally - only the party got cancelled, and I guess that's how marginal we were, because no one told us. So we came in different cars and found ourselves at the same front door - with no one home. (then taking his hand) So Gene asked me out to eat. GENE I was hungry. KELLY You were in love. (then off his look) You told me you loved me, that first night! GENE I said I loved mashed potatoes. KELLY You were eating mashed potatoes. You said you loved me. You said because your name was Gene and mine was Kelly, that that just proved it. We were meant to be together. 49. GENE (off her look; then TO CAMERA) -- Does this have to go in the movie? CUT TO: EXT. GENE AND KELLY'S PLACE - DAY Dave walks out, talks to the CAMERA. DAVE Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long term, stable, intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. As long as this is the guy: QUICK SHOT OF A LABRADOR RETRIEVER -- PANTING, FRIENDLY. DAVE With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term 'relationship.' CUT TO: EXT. JERSEY SHORE - DAY A JERSEY GIRL on break at a SNACK HUT. JERSEY GIRL What I don't get is how they can be a fully grown adult male and not be able to make a commitment to a woman who loves him like no one else - and yet the same person, at age seven, could make an unbreakable lifelong commitment to the San Francisco Giants, who do not even know him and who never will. (shakes her head) I just don't get it. CUT TO: EXT. SEATTLE - E-CAFE - DAY A SEATTLE GIRL outside the cafe. 50. SEATTLE GIRL They're never "ready." If you ask me, guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. That's where they live. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put one in a 350 degree oven on the Fourth of July and they still wouldn't be ready in time for Thanksgiving. CUT TO: EXT. CHICAGO - RARE BOOKS STORE - DAY The OWNER arranges titles on a display outside her store. CHICAGO GIRL The thing is, you shouldn't even think about marrying them until you really know them. But you can't really know them until you marry them. (then after a beat) That's the thing. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUY FIDELITY" EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY A Manhattan Girl gives a world-weary look. MANHATTAN GIRL One: A guy will have sex with anything. Two: A guy will do anything to have sex. There's your Guy Fidelity. Move on. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUY PRIDE" INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S MARRIED HOUSE - DAY Elaine and Roger are inside, looking at the front door. ELAINE What do you mean, it's 'supposed to be that way.' It's stuck. 51 ROGER It's basic physics, Elaine. Wood expands. And then, later, it contracts. ELAINE But we can't get out. ROGER Which also means other people can't get in. That's part of the design - it discourages burglars. ELAINE (looks at him) The same way the toaster was designed to discourage carbohydrate consumption by bursting into flames? ROGER That was an outdoor toaster. It was clearly not designed for indoor situations. The PICTURE FREEZES. DAVE steps in front, talks to CAMERA. DAVE I think it's obvious here, that Roger has absolutely no idea what he's talking about. But Guy Pride forces him to keep acting like he does know, for reasons I believe we've covered in an earlier scene. He nods his head over to the corner, where the CAMERA PANS TO SEE HUDDLED VISIGOTHS, WAITING. Then BACK TO ROGER AND ELAINE as the PICTURE UNFREEZES. ELAINE Okay. So now we have a broken water heater and a stuck front door. (CONTROLS HERSELF; THEN) I think it's time to call Steve. ELAINE'S IMAGE FREEZES. Roger turns to the CAMERA. 52. ROGER "Steve." CUT TO: EXT. CUL DE SAC - DAY - SLOW MOTION - HEAVENLY MUSIC STEVE leaves someone's house, heads for his super-outfitted TRUCK. Haloed in golden sunlight. Strong, capable, equipped for every situation. WOMEN look out from kitchen and bedroom and living room windows, from front steps and yards and gardens, just to see whose house Steve is leaving. The women look all dreamy the way they would in a really corny musical. DAVE (watching; to CAMERA) As far as women are concerned, God didn't really rest on the seventh day. On the seventh day, God created Steve. As the Women all sigh... CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY Elaine stands at the basement door. CLANGING down there. ELAINE Roger? Did you find anything? INTERCUT WITH ROGER IN THE BASEMENT He's in ankle deep water. Pokes a FLASHLIGHT into some of the corners where the overhead bulb doesn't reach. ROGER Good news, honey! The basement's level. ELAINE How can you tell? ROGER Because I know a well built floor when I see one! We were right to buy this house. Everything works just the way it should! 53. ELAINE Except there's no hot water. ROGER (aiming the flashlight) Sweetheart, don't you remember? The power company talked about this. ELAINE How about calling Steve. ROGER (HATES THIS) We'll call "Steve," when we have a real problem. Okay? (then more to himself) A mouse gets the hiccups, you don't have to call Steve every time. ELAINE (hears him whang something down there) But Roger you're such a good copy editor. You don't have to be a good repairman too! Honest! ROGER Okay I think I found it. ELAINE The problem? ROGER The water heater. Elaine leans her head against the door jam. CUT TO: EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY Elaine sits on the step, looking blank. Kelly is with her. There are LOUD NOISES from the basement. ELAINE I don't know why he does this. He doesn't know what he's doing down there... KELLY It'll be all right. 54. ELAINE (off a loud CLANG) It's not like some broken part is just going to be standing there, waving a flag that says "Help me." Or there'll be an octopus on the compressor, and then he could say, "Look! There's an octopus on the compressor!" (THEN) Of course, how would he know it was the compressor... KELLY Trust me, it'll all work out. After a while, there's no more harm they can do. Roger comes around from the side door. SLOSHING feet. Holds a dripping PART. ROGER I just need to go to the hardware store. Hi Kelly. Kelly smiles, waves. Then as Roger sloshes past, to the car. ELAINE And what is it about the hardware store? All they do in there is buy a bunch of tools that they don't know how to use -- and no matter what the problem is, all they'll end up doing is whacking at it with a hammer until it breaks even more. KELLY And then they cover it all up with duct tape and then come out and say it's supposed to work that way. ELAINE (SOLIDARITY NOD) Then we have to call Steve. And they get offended. CUT TO: INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY Roger waits at the counter. Talks to CAMERA. 55. ROGER Let me tell you something. If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Steve's" name, I could hire somebody better than Steve, just to shake things up. Get her one of these old semi-retired guys - someone from the pre-steroid days, with the hairy shoulders, and the butt crack. They won't be so quick to call him every ten minutes. The Clerk comes back. Hands over a 53-piece TOOL SET. CLERK Remember. Keep these away from anything magnetic. ROGER (WINKS) Got it. He takes the tool kit from the Clerk and drops it. The Clerk watches Roger chase down all the parts: what a dolt. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Roger puts the tool set in his trunk...then stops. ROGER The thing is - I missed out. (turns to CAMERA) It's like everyone else was there the day they taught all this stuff. How to look inside acar.Or a furnace. Or a rocketship.But the guys like Steve, youknow.They were born knowing allthis- and now they're laughing. (MORE) 56. ROGER (CONT'D) They all go down to the Competent Guys' Tavern and compare notes. CUT TO: EXT. COMPETENT GUYS' TAVERN - DAY VANS and PICKUP TRUCKS just like Steve's are parked outside. A STEVE LOOKALIKE gets out and goes in, greeting ANOTHER STEVE also arriving. LAUGHTER pours out from inside. CUT TO: EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY Steve rings the bell. Elaine tries opening the door. ELAINE (on other side) I'm sorry - the door's stuck. STEVE I can fix that. He checks it out, taps it in one place and opens the door. Elaine steps aside, enchanted -- -- as Roger drives up and sees this. And the pain in his heart is something we can feel. CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S BASEMENT - DAY Power's back on. Steve pulls the cover off the HVAC assembly. Roger is sorting through the 53-piece tool set he bought and has no idea what to do with. STEVE If you've got a minute, sir. I'd like to show you something. ROGER (holds up tool kit) Should I bring these? STEVE That won't be -- (then as all the parts FALL OUT) -- necessary. 57 ROGER (LOOKS DOWN) The latch broke. STEVE I can fix that. Roger puts the tool kit down. Joins Steve. STEVE There's your problem right there. (POINTS) You got calcification in your pullet- beam header grommets. ROGER I was afraid of that. Steve looks at him. One of those sideways looks. STEVE What you gotta do is jack up your laminate bolts and remove the calcification on the stress points. ROGER (while Steve takes SOME MEASUREMENTS) Of course when he says "you," he doesn't mean "me." I don't have jacks. I don't have winches. And Steve has got like fifty kinds of each, right on his truck. If society collapsed, the Steves of the world will be living in nice sturdy shelters that they built with their own hands, eating food that they grew or caught. And I'll be getting shredded to death by wolverines. STEVE Here we go. He reaches down. Pulls out a fuse assembly, holds it up. 58. STEVE Here we go. Back in business in no time. CUT TO: EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY Steve is packing up his truck. Roger is about to go back INSIDE WHEN: KID Dad, look! Look what Steve made me! A working battleship made entirely out of Coke cans! Roger looks. It is a working battleship made from Coke cans. KID This is so neat! Thanks, Steve! The kid runs off. Roger looks at Elaine. ROGER Do we have a kid? ELAINE Steve got him from the truck. CUT TO: INT. STEVE'S TRUCK - TRAVELING - DAY Dave rides up front with Steve. Talks to CAMERA. DAVE Just because Steve can fix things, doesn't mean he's shallow and doesn't have any concerns. All guys have concerns. Deep concerns. STEVE (LOOKS OVER) You like SportsTalk? Mike the Moose? DAVE Hell yeah. Steve gives him a look. Turns on the radio. 59. CALLER I'm just sayin' those owners better never run into me. Because God help 'em, man. MIKE THE MOOSE -- and we'll pick up on that and more, right after the news. CALLER I mean it, man. CUT TO: INT. RADIO STATION - WGRG-AM SPORTSTALK - DAY MIKE THE MOOSE flips a switch; turns to Dave. MIKE THE MOOSE Three months ago, the Marlins traded a guy named Rufino Lupenza to the Yankees, for some minor league players and cash. I grant you it was a rotten trade. I grant you the Yankees seem to have this, this knack for making brilliant deals year after year. But three months? (pops in a tape) The Marlins are over it. The Yankees are over it. The players and their families are over it -- but just check this out. CALLER (ON TAPE) The guy was a workhorse! He filled in wherever he was needed and he never got hurt! And when he got hurt, he played hurt. MIKE THE MOOSE (ON TAPE) You know I got a post card from him here at the station. He says they're all doing fine: Lucita's got the kids in their new school already and they all seem happy. She even found an Ecuadorean grocery she likes. CALLER Grocery -- the guy batted 340, from both sides. (MORE) 60. CALLER (CONT'D) His on-base percentage was in the 4's, with a rocket arm on defense and an awareness of the field like nobody's business. And they trade him for minor leaguers? For untested, greenhorn punks who can barely even -- MIKE THE MOOSE (pauses the tape) That guy's pretty normal. He cues forward, plays. A GUY CALLER, fighting tears. MIKE THE MOOSE (ON RADIO) You just have to move on, Stan. CALLER .I try to - I'm trying. But I just can't make sense of this... Mike the Moose stops the tape. MIKE THE MOOSE These are guys you wouldn't see crying even at a funeral. Guys who can't bring themselves to hug their own children. And they're beside themselves. (shakes his head) And all over a meaningless trade... DAVE Meaningless? Mike the Moose looks at him. CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Roger and Gene are watching the KNICKS/HEAT game. Big bag of Doritos between them. TV ANNOUNCER .seventy-seven per cent from the line during the regular season, and a red-hot eighty-three per cent during the playoffs. ROGER Stop saying that! 61. TV ANNOUNCER SIDEKICK -- and in the fourth quarter of the playoffs, that number is even higher -- GENE Stop saying that! TV ANNOUNCER So they really picked the wrong guy to foul, at this crucial point in such a crucial game. ROGER AND GENE Stop saying that! TV ANNOUNCER He dribbles. He sets -- he dribbles again... Roger and Gene lean forward. ROGER Come on come on come on comeoncomeon -- GENE Miss the shot miss the shot miss the shot come on and miss the shot -- TV ANNOUNCER -- and the Knicks call time out. They lean back in their seats; breathe some relief. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Elaine and Kelly are addressing INVITATIONS by hand. Dave sits on the counter, listens in. ELAINE They don't know the players. The players don't know them - yet they idolize these people. They follow them from team to team -- and they know more about these teams than they know about their own families. They might not even know if they have families. KELLY Not during the playoffs anyway. 62. ELAINE (amen to that; then) And what gets me is, they think - they really think - that whether a team wins or loses or not depends on how much they personally care about them. Like if they don't care, the team can't win. DAVE But that's true. They look over - see him on the counter. ELAINE What's true. DAVE It's true that the level of concern a guy shows for his team can affect the outcome of the game. (then off their looks) I mean not just one guy - but lots of guys. All the guys who care about the team combined, if they really care, can make a difference on the scoreboard. ELAINE That's crazy. KELLY Who is he? DAVE (hops off the counter) -- Follow me. CUT TO: INT. THE DEN - CONTINUOUS Roger and Gene and the game are FROZEN IN PLACE. Dave stands in the doorway with Elaine and Kelly. DAVE For the first time ever, through the use of highly advanced technology, we will be able to see the actual Concern Rays emanating from the minds of Roger and Gene, in their attempt to affect the outcome of this upcoming - and totally critical - foul shot. 63. The PICTURE CHANGES as though a filter has been slipped over the lens. Then we BEGIN TO SEE THE ACTUAL RAYS emanating from Roger's and Gene's foreheads and traveling into the screen. The rays are colored BLUE. DAVE These Concern Rays go straight into the television screen where they join the combined Concern Rays of all the other guy fans watching this game right now. CUT TO: A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES Where all the CITIES representing major markets LIGHT UP and FORM ARCS, like airline flight routes, connecting RED or BLUE CONCERN RAYS from each city, and sending them to MIAMI. DAVE (in front of map) Then the rays are transmitted to the actual arena itself, all arriving at the same moment regardless of any geographic or time zone differences. CUT TO: EXT. AN ARENA - NIGHT Dave reports as BLUE AND RED CONCERN RAYS materialize from the sky and descend on the arena, covering the roof. DAVE And it is here, at the arena, where the combined Concern Rays from both teams' fans will be measured - not just for quantity, but for quality. Because this - as every Guy must believe - is what wins ball games. BACK TO ROGER AND GENE AT THE TV Dave steps away and the PICTURE UN-FREEZES. TV ANNOUNCER He sets...he takes the shot...it's UP -- ROGER -- Come on come on come on --- 64. GENE Miss the shot miss the shot miss the SHOT -- ON TV - THE BALL, IN MIDAIR -- BLUE AND RED CONCERN RAYS APPEAR AND CONVERGE ON IT, IN A MIGHTY STRUGGLE FOR DOMINATION TV ANNOUNCER -- and he misses! He misses! It bounces off the rim and Miami wins the game! What a comeback! A field day for the Heat! Roger and Gene leap up and scream. High fives, victory dance. Dave looks at Elaine and Kelly - who look at each other... ELAINE Let's get back to those invitations. KELLY I'm with you. They turn, go back to the kitchen. The celebration goes on. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC REST ROOM PROBLEM" INT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY Dave walks down a terminal corridor among hurrying PASSENGERS. DAVE If there's one thing women don't know about when it comes to guys, it's the public rest room problem. And we're here to clear that up right now. He stops outside a MEN'S REST ROOM, which is currently closed for maintenance. DAVE This room is a private hell for a countless number of guys -- yet the women in their lives are completely in the dark about it. (MORE) 65. DAVE (CONT'D) But before we go inside, let's talk with a leading social scientist, so that what we're about to show you sounds a little more official. CUT TO: INT. RED CARPET CLUB - DAY Dave is at the honor bar with the SAME BRITISH GUY. The words "Leading Social Scientist" APPEAR under him this time. LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST One has to understand that the act of emptying one's bladder goes deep to the very roots of masculinity. It is an important territorial statement that males are genetically programmed to carry out. DAVE I see. LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST In fact, many of my colleagues believe the reason that dogs howl at the moon is because they can't go up there and urinate on it -- which is not, however, a theory which I embrace. But guess who gets all the grant money every year. The bastards... He stares off into space. A bitter man. DAVE Um...you were saying? LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST I didn't want this job. Twenty years, in the social sciences? And what was everybody else doing -- they were getting laid. They were going to bed with women. And what have I been doing -- applying for matching grants. And not getting them. (MORE) 66. LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST (CONT'D) Applying for any grants at all - and not getting those either. Meanwhile all the "cool dudes" are laughing! CUT TO: EXT. "THE COOL DUDES WHO GET THE BIG GRANTS" TAVERN - DAY Honda Accords fill the lot. TWO MORE drive up and a SCIENTIST gets out of each. They hail each other and go in together. As they pull open the door, LAUGHTER spills out from inside. LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST (V.0.) The bastards... CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC REST ROOM PROBLEM" EXT. A VIDEO PRODUCTION TRUCK - DAY There is a SATELLITE DISH on top. Dave is with JOHN MADDEN. DAVE With me now is the great John Madden -- legendary coach of football's Oakland Raiders and veteran network analyst for CBS Sports and now the Fox Sports Network. John, thanks for coming by today. JOHN MADDEN Happy to be here Dave. DAVE John, you heard what our leading expert said about this particular anxiety that guys have regarding bathrooms in general and public ones in particular. Any thoughts? JOHN MADDEN Well he's exactly right, Dave. I mean the guy was a little loopy but he hit the nail on the head. DAVE So an airport bathroom presents a specific kind of challenge. 67. JOHN MADDEN The worst kind, Dave, and in a lotta ways. Because a guy's main goal is to get in and outta there without having to deal in any other way with any other guy - and in an airport bathroom especially, with the turnover rate they've got, he's up against some pretty mean odds. DAVE Couldn't agree more, John. Let's go INSIDE -- CUT TO: INT. VIDEO TRUCK - DAY - CONTINUOUS TECHNICIANS wearing headsets. Dave and John sit by a BANK OF MONITORS. There's a TELESTRATOR for John. JOHN MADDEN Okay. Now this angle here, we're outside the bathroom and the maintenance guy's just about to open it up. We SEE THE AREA OUTSIDE THE MEN'S ROOM, WITH "CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE" SIGNS IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH. A JANITOR starts removing the signs as a BUSINESS TRAVELER heads over. DAVE Here's our first candidate now -- INTERCUT WITH: INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS - ON MONITORS, WITH TELESTRATOR John diagrams the action, marking up the screen like a football play while the action unfolds. JOHN MADDEN Okay now the leadoff guy, he's gonna come in, he's gonna see the open field and he's gonna swing wide right to grab a spot against the wall. He's got one flank covered this way and for now he's feelin' pretty good -- and of course by doin' that, he's also settin' the tone for everything that happens after. râ¢ . 68. DAVE What's the main thing we're looking for, John. What does each individual guy feel he needs to get out of this. JOHN MADDEN Well the crucial thing here, is makin' sure there's no eye contact. I mean none - zero. These guys'll look up, they'll look down, they'll look straight ahead -- but a guy would rather have you poke both his eyes out with burning hot fire tongs, Dave, than to give the next guy over a reason to think you might be lookin' at him in a public bathroom. For reasons that oughtta be pretty darn obvious. DAVE Obvious indeed. Now here comes Guy Number Two -- The SECOND GUY comes in; John diagrams the call. JOHN MADDEN Now Guy Number Two, what he's gonna do is, he's gonna come in, see the first guy in position along the wall and right away he's gonna line up wide on the opposite side. This is a best case scenario here, something both these guys can appreciate. Plus they've opened up the middle for the third guy -- The THIRD GUY comes in. John diagrams his path to the middle urinal. The Guy goes there. DAVE What about eye contact in this situation. JOHN MADDEN Well you're still not likely to encounter any, but again if you do, that's what that buffer zone on either side of him's for. And all three of 'em are feelin' pretty lucky to have it, I can tell you that. DAVE Okay. Now if things stay like this... 69. JOHN MADDEN If things stay like this, you're fine - and if this were some small commuter airport, y'know late at night or somethin', then these guys could possibly even be home free. But we're talkin' Miami International here, this is the big time, we're talking about 747's, DC-10's, the big jumbo jets dumpin' off three- four hundred people at a clip. So everybody's gonna be next to somebody, which is the last thing any of these guys want. You're in a critical mass situation, and this is where a lotta mistakes get made. DAVE Which brings us to Guy Number Four. Here he comes -- JOHN MADDEN -- and there he goes... Guy #4 spins around and leaves. John and Dave watch; then. DAVE Now one thing that I know we're going to get asked, John, especially from women, is whether, as guys, we're aware of how utterly stupid this kind of behavior really is. JOHN MADDEN Well I think we know, Dave. Don't you think we know? DAVE I think we do. JOHN MADDEN (NODS) Have to be stupid not to. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC RESTROOM PROBLEM" 70. DAVE (V.O.) We did that. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUYS AT MIDLIFE" EXT. UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI - DAY Dave walks the campus. Threads through GORGEOUS COLLEGE GIRLS who don't know he's there. DAVE If there's anything that causes more anguish in a guy than sports anguish, and public restroom anguish, and hardware store anguish, it's the day that he realizes that somehow his life is half over now, and no matter what he tries to tell himself, he's not young anymore and he's never going to be young again. (then he stops) And as any guy'll tell you - it sucks. CUT TO: INT. AN ELEVATOR - DAY A GUY IN A SUIT, alone in here. Faint ELEVATOR MUSIC plays. ELEVATOR GUY I got used to having the Beatles and Stones called 'classic rock.' Then I heard Elvis Costello on an Oldies station. I figured, okay - who cares - at least it's on somewhere. But then I hear "London Calling," on Muzak. By the Clash. On Muzak. (SHRUGS) But what the hell. I'm in a suit and I go around all day explaining peoples' 401K plans to them. And Sting's doing commercials for Jaguar. He shakes his head; it's hopeless. CUT TO: INT. SHOPPING MALL BARBER SHOP - DAY The BARBER talks while cutting Dave's hair. 71. BARBER The way I see it, it's like menopause, right? Except men get it different. It doesn't show, y'see? The cramps don't come, the hot and cold flashes, and you don't have your magazines and drug stores filled with helpful stuff to do about it. But something comes, and it hits every guy who's living whether he likes it or not. Whether he knows it or not. Guy can lose his bleepin' mind if he doesn't watch out. He gets a mirror to show Dave the back. Gives him time to get philosophical. BARBER But you know? Maybe it's for the better. Maybe whoever designed all this, was afraid to let the men in on what was gonna be happening. Like if we knew, we'd bail or something. You know, ahead of time. CUT TO: INT. A BAR - DAY The BARTENDER wipes the bar down in front of Dave. BARTENDER I'm just telling you what I see. Every lousy day. A guy'll come in and sit down, right where you are. He loosens up a little and then it comes. The road not taken. Unexamined choices. An unfulfilled life. And other guys, they'll come in and don't say a word. The ones who just stare at the mirror. DAVE That sounds pretty bleak. BARTENDER (SHRUGS; THEN) I think it goes back to the old times. Ancient times, you know? When nobody was expected to live past forty. You got to forty? You died. (MORE) 72. BARTENDER (CONT'D) But now that men aren't doing that, there's a lot more shit up ahead, and none of it looks good so they go freak out and make a mess of things -- they'll quit their jobs or walk out on their marriages or make some other idiot grandstand move. None of them are happy and every single one of them wishes he did something else with his life and can't figure out how it got this way. Every single one of them. CUT TO: INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY A hotshot LAWYER is dictating a memo to his SECRETARY. LAWYER .therefore please be advised that in reference to the aforementioned subject matter, as per the original agreement dated 7 March Two Thousand, -- His Secretary stops writing. Waits. LAWYER ...7 March Two Thousand... SECRETARY Um. You said that already. LAWYER (shakes his head) I started here on the 7th of March. Fifteen years ago... SECRETARY Oh. Well - Happy Anni-- LAWYER What the hell am I doing. Why did I even think this would be a good idea -- to work my ass off every single day of my life? So I could come in here and dictate letters like this? SECRETARY They're not all like this. You do a lot of good... 73 LAWYER And what does it get me -- a twin- turbo convertible that I don't even get to drive, because I'm always traveling and renting shitbox cars in other cities where all I do is take clients out to lunch and tell them how to negotiate their golden parachutes? You ever sit in the driver's seat of one of those renta cars? SECRETARY Well my husband usually does the -- LAWYER Brand new cars, not even two thousand miles on them, and already they drive like camels. The seat's got no cushion left already, and you're lucky if you don't need a chiropractor after twenty minutes in one. What do people do in those things? SECRETARY Maybe I could get you something. You want something? LAWYER Yeah. I want something. I want the number of that hang-gliding place out on Route 33. SECRETARY You want to go hang gliding? LAWYER I want to teach hang gliding. SECRETARY I'm sorry. I didn't know you did that. LAWYER I don't do that. I want to do that. I've always wanted to do that, and lots of other things too -- only I'm stuck doing this all day long. And I don't even know what this is half the time, just that I have to spend every waking hour doing it. So you tell me -- where the hell does hang gliding fit into that. 74. SECRETARY Um. Saturdays? LAWYER Give me a break. SECRETARY (as he starts to leave) Where are you going? LAWYER I should have done this a long time ago. SECRETARY What about the letter? LAWYER Put in the usual bullshit. Nobody's gonna read it anyway. He's gone. She sits there. CUT TO: EXT. JOHNNY LAKE'S HANG GLIDING CENTER - DAY JOHNNY LAKE lifts a titanium frame up onto the back of a pickup. Part of it catches on the lift gate and he SWEARS, kicking it. About to really lay into it when the LAWYER drives up in his twin turbo convertible and gets out. LAWYER Hi! JOHNNY LAKE Sorry. We're closed. LAWYER (stunned; watches him) -- It's two thirty in the afternoon. JOHNNY LAKE Hey. I don't make the rules. LAWYER Aren't you the owner? JOHNNY LAKE You're right. I do make the rules. We're closed. 75. LAWYER (sees he means it) Look, there has to -- I really want to learn this -- I just quit my job to learn this. JOHNNY LAKE Be my guest - learn it. He kicks the frame again, walks off. The Lawyer watches. LAWYER How can you do this? This is the perfect job! JOHNNY LAKE Yeah right. Driving around in a rusted worthless pickup truck that's about to be repossessed anyway, while a guy like you, my own age, is going around in a Porsche Carrera. LAWYER But you get to fly. JOHNNY LAKE No, you get to fly. I get to hoof this shit up and down these godforsaken hilltops listening to stockbrokers brag about getting lap dances from college coeds, and charging the whole thing through the company expense account -- while I can't even deduct my blood pressure medication. That's what I get to do. He kicks a rock in the road, which almost feels good enough so he kicks another one -- but this one is buried in the dirt like an iceberg and doesn't budge -- JOHNNY LAKE Ahh, SHIT! -- and he falls down hobbling on one knee instead. CUT TO: INT. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON'S OFFICE - DAY Johnny Lake waits on the examining table, holding ice against his leg. The Lawyer sits on the extra chair reading EXOTIC ISLANDS MAGAZINE. 76. He holds up a PHOTO: a Guy in a hammock, in Paradise. LAWYER Look at this. JOHNNY LAKE You got that right. The Lawyer shakes his head; flips the page. JOHNNY LAKE Hey. (then on Lawyer's look; he shrugs) You don't think he's gonna... LAWYER What. JOHNNY LAKE You know. Have to use the -- LAWYER Glove? (then off his look) You hurt your knee. He already took the x-rays. JOHNNY LAKE What if something's broken. LAWYER Well he's not going in that way. You don't do a rectal to set a guy's leg. Still the guy looks doubtful. The ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON - British, familiar - comes in, with a fresh X-RAY. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON Well you've done quite a number on yourself. Want to see? JOHNNY LAKE Why should I. I wouldn't know what the hell I'm looking at. You're the one who went to medical school. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON Don't remind me. (then on their looks) What. You think I like this? (MORE) 77 ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON (CONT'D) The medical profession? Owing my life to the insurance cartel while the rest of the world thinks I'm so stinking rich? LAWYER Well.. .aren't you? ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON Of courseIam - I'm an orthopedic surgeon!Ijust don't like people assumingit! (THENASHIS BEEPER GOESOFF) And this -- I am so sick of this bloody thing I can't even tell you! Because every time it goes off it means I have to stop doing one thing I don't want to be doing, and start doing another thing I don't want to be doing. You call that a life? They look at him. Don't know what to say. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON -- Let me show you something. (puts down the x-ray, goes to a drawer) I've been working on this during my free time. Not like I get any. He gets an accordion-style envelope; takes out a REAM OF TYPED PAGES. Hands it over to Johnny Lake. JOHNNY LAKE What is it? ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON What is it? It's a screenplay! This'll blow the lid off the orthopedic surgery industry! Look - look here -- (takes it back; flips THROUGH) -- no wait, this part's better. No -- here! Here you go. Read this and tell me if you don't -- 78. He looks up. They're gone. CUT TO: EXT. "GUYS WHO WISH THEY HAD DIFFERENT JOBS" TAVERN - DAY The lot is filled with Ford Fiestas. The Lawyer and Johnny Lake drive up. When they pull the door open there's WHINING from inside... Then the BARTENDER FROM BEFORE comes out, storms past them and throws his rag down hard as he gets the hell out of there and away from that shit job. As Dave walks into frame, starts over to his car. DAVE Okay! Well it looks like it's time to talk about sex. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC RESTROOM PROBLEM" DAVE (V.0.) Will you knock it off? CUT TO: EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - DAY Dave gets out of his car and walks towards the mall. DAVE For the sake of any younger viewers who might still be paying attention, during this next segment we will be using certain euphemisms to describe a natural and wonderful thing that happens among grownups - grownups besides your parents, that is. CUT TO: INT. MALL BOOKSTORE - MAGAZINE AISLE - DAY Dave walks along all the COSMO'S, REDBOOKS, etc. DAVE Probably the fastest growing sector of the U.S. economy is the sector that conducts surveys asking women (MORE) DAVE (CONT'D) what is wrong with men. And in all those surveys, there is one main area that shows up constantly at the top of the charts. (he stops, pulls a MAGAZINE) -- Euphemisms. CUT TO: INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET - DAY Dave walks up the aisles filled with delectable things. DAVE when I say "euphemisms," I of course am not suggesting that guys don't have them. Guys have plenty of euphemisms. Most guys have more euphemisms in a single day - and here I am thinking of a day that occurred in the summer between ninth and tenth grades - than some women have in a lifetime - or longer, in the case of certain Math Teachers. CUT TO: EXT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - DAY Dave walks outside, past a line of SCHOOLKIDS off a BUS. DAVE It all goes back to a time, millions of years ago, when primitive males often had to complete their part of the equation quickly and right away stand ready to fight off attackers. CUT TO: INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - DAY - CONTINUOUS Dave walks past glassed-in DISPLAYS of CAVEMAN LIFE. DAVE Today, however, women want euphemisms too -- and this ability in males is no longer as prized as it once was. (MORE) 80. DAVE (CONT'D) In fact, when modern women describe the qualities they're looking for in the ideal man, the phrase "a real fast shooter" is usually pretty far down the list. (THEN STOPPING) Naturally, it fell to guys to do something about this. So, naturally - they did. CUT TO: EXT. A SKI CABIN - NIGHT Dave stands outside while Kelly and Gene come back from walking their dog. In a hurry. DAVE one technique for holding back the inevitable, is when the guy - just when he is about to have his euphemism - will hurl himself violently into an iron bed railing, and raise a lump on his head the size of a golf ball. CUT TO: INT. THE SKI CABIN - CONTINUOUS They come in the room, shedding clothes. He lifts her, carries her to the bed -- with nothing but pillows against the wall. He stops, panicked... GENE There's nothing there! CUT TO: EXT. THE CABIN - CONTINUOUS Dave watches the LIGHT GO OFF. Turns back to the CAMERA. DAVE In cases where there aren't any iron railings, a good backup technique can be found right on the end of the cold wet nose of the trusted family dog. CAMERA PANS to the window where we hear: 81. KELLY Yes...yes... GENE .yesyesyesyes...yesyesyesyes... KELLY .just hold on...yes... GENE .yesyesyesyesYEEE00000WWWW!!! CAMERA PANS back to Dave. DAVE There are also mental techniques -- CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Roger and Elaine are under the sheets. Some good early MOANING.. .as Dave comes in, holding a mike, interview style. DAVE One of the most time honored and reliable mental delaying styles, is the Baseball Method -- (taps Roger's shoulder) -- how's it going, Champ. Roger pokes his head out of the blanket; stays active from the neck down. ROGER Oh - yeah hi. (ACKNOWLEDGES CAMERA; then to Dave) Well, the baseball thing. I mean a while ago I was into that - big time. You know, fooling around with different lineups, mixing up the batting order - like thinking about what would happen if you took your cleanup guy and made him eighth or something -- just something stupid like that, you know? Stuff you'd never really do. DAVE And that did the trick. 82. ROGER Oh hell yeah. I mean I could go all night - literally all night - just shuffling my pitching staff around, or thinking about who I might try and sign at the winter meetings. Hang on -- He goes under the blanket; pays more attention to Elaine... then comes back. ROGER The thing is, it got stale. And I found after a while I wasn't enjoying sex or baseball that much. And you don't want to mess with that stuff. DAVE (CAN'T DISAGREE) So what do you do instead? ROGER Math problems. DAVE Really? (off his nod) You mean like if a train leaves Chicago at one o'clock and another train leaves Denver at two o'clock and they're going at different speeds? ROGER (shakes his head) I can't do train ones. I always end up imagining this beautiful girl on the train - and it makes things even worse. Elaine stops. Pops her head out. ELAINE what beautiful girl. ROGER -- You, Elaine. The girl on the train is always you. ELAINE Oh, Roger... 83. Roger gives Dave a close call look...then goes back to work. CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Dave helps himself, makes a sandwich. DAVE As you can see, a lot of guys are making a tremendous effort here - and yet, according to certain standards they are still, basically, lame as hell on almost every single count. The reason for this is simple: women set the standards. (takes a bite) And not just bedroom standards -- all standards. Because women invented standards. Remember the Dawn of Guys? CUT TO: EXT. PREHISTORIC CUL DE SAC - DAY Long shadows. PRIMATE WOMEN are still at it, pounding roots and dealing with PRIMATE KIDS. CUT TO: INT. PRIMATE ROGER AND ELAINE'S CAVE - DAY Primate Elaine, picking up around the cave. She stumbles on something gross... finally has had it. PRIMATE ELAINE (SUBTITLED) That's it. CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAVES - DAY - LATER Primate Elaine addresses the OTHERS. All SUBTITLES. PRIMATE ELAINE I've been thinking. We need some standards around here. PRIMATE KELLY What are standards? 84. PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN What is 'thinking?' The others turn, look at her. Look back at Primate Blaine. PRIMATE ELAINE Standards are like rules. Things they'll have to do. And things they'll have to stop doing. PRIMATE KELLY How about "no leaving your dirty smelly loincloths wherever you feel like it, and expecting me to do something about it?" Can that be a standard? PRIMATE ELAINE That can be one of the first. PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN How about "No gnawing on a fish head during sex?" PRIMATE ELAINE There are all kinds of things we can get them to do. PRIMATE LUCY How? They're stronger than we are. PRIMATE KELLY They smell stronger maybe. PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN (off their laughter) I like the smell. PRIMATE LUCY Of the men, or the rotten fish? PRIMATE KELLY There's a difference? More laughing; then they turn back to Primate Elaine. PRIMATE KELLY But how will we make them go along? Most of them can't even remember which cave to come home to every night. How are they going to remember rules? 85. PRIMATE ELAINE We'll give them a Look. PRIMATE LUCY A look? PRIMATE ELAINE A special look. A 'Certain Look.' PRIMATE KELLY But we look at them every day. And they still do whatever they want. PRIMATE ELAINE (as the others agree) I've been working on this. Watch. She turns to Primate Blonde Woman, who is holding a gourd. On the Look, the Blonde drops the gourd. PRIMATE ELAINE See? And she wasn't even doing anything. Agreements and "Wows" go all around. PRIMATE ELAINE Now who's with me. CUT TO: VARIOUS SHOTS, QUICK CUTS OF THE PRIMATE WOMEN TRYING TO GET THE "LOOK" RIGHT. EVENTUALLY, EVEN PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN GETS IT. . .ALTHOUGH AT ONE POINT SHE SCARES HERSELF AND DROPS THE GOURD AGAIN. CUT TO: EXT. TRAIL BACK TO THE CAVES - DUSK The Primate Guys come back lugging ANIMAL PARTS. Each now has his own ROCK, instead of the giant jagged slabs. PRIMATE GENE What are you doing later. PRIMATE ROGER I don't know. Probably just stare at the fire. 86. PRIMATE GENE A bunch of us are going over to Primate Blonde Woman's cave to see what she does with those gourds. Want to come? PRIMATE ROGER -- Can't. Primate Elaine's ancestors are still here. PRIMATE GENE Bummer. PRIMATE ROGER Tell me about it. (THEN) They are so Ice Age... CUT TO: INT. PRIMATE ROGER AND PRIMATE ELAINE'S CAVE - NIGHT Primate Roger watches Primate Elaine examine his NEW ROCK. Her PRIMATE MOM AND DAD hover on the edge of the discussion. PRIMATE ELAINE I don't get it. What was wrong with the other one. PRIMATE ROGER This one's better. It's an upgrade. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER What did he say it was called? PRIMATE ROGER An 'upgrade.' An improvement on a previous design. PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER What? What'd he say? PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER (to his wife) An upgrade. An grade. PRIMATE ROGER (to Primate Elaine) The guy said there are newer ones coming out that'll make even this one look primitive. They're getting lighter and rounder every epoch. 87 PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER What guy. PRIMATE ROGER Primate Discount Manny. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER (MUTTERS) Boy he must have seen this one coming... PRIMATE ELAINE Dad. (then to Primate Roger) I just wanted to know what the difference is between this one and the one you had. You were so excited about it when you got it, and now you've gotten rid of it -- and the only difference I can see is where this one has these markings painted on. She holds it up; something like BASEBALL SEAMS going around. PRIMATE ROGER Those make it so it travels better. PRIMATE ELAINE Painted on? (off his look) -- What'd it cost you. PRIMATE ROGER Nothing. A couple wildebeeste steaks and handful of seeds of some kind. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER I told you. (then to his wife) Did I say he was a bum? PRIMATE ROGER Who's a bum. Are you calling me a bum? PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER No one's calling anyone a bum. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER I'm just visiting. You do what you want. 88. PRIMATE ROGER Oh yeah? Who do you think killed your dinner tonight? PRIMATE ELAINE Look. Just take it back. Please. PRIMATE ROGER But I can't do that! All sales are final! PRIMATE ELAINE You can explain it to him. Tell him he can keep the steaks, but we want the seeds back. PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER (to Primate Roger) I don't mean to meddle. But you should listen to your wife. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER That's meddling! That's meddling! (then to Primate Roger) -- But in this case she's right. PRIMATE ELAINE (to her parents) Look will you both stop? (then to Primate Roger) Just take this back. All right? PRIMATE ROGER This is totally unreasonable! (THEN) Oh I get it. Don't tell me -- it's your time in the moon cycle again -- He stops cold. Stunned by her CERTAIN LOOK. History's first in SLOW MOTION, FROM SEVERAL ANGLES, the way they do it when buildings explode in much bigger movies. PRIMATE ROGER -- I'll take it back. She smiles. FREEZE IMAGE. CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI, BAYSIDE COMPLEX - DAY Dave strolls among the SHOPPERS, TOURISTS etc. He has the ROCK with him; tosses it unconsciously like a baseball. 89. DAVE This is basically where we stand today. The only difference is, we have way more standards. (gives the ROCK to a KID passing by) There are social standards, about being sensitive - remembering anniversaries, listening during conversations, not eating soup with your hands, or sitting around in your underwear when company's over. CUT TO: INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY Dave goes up the escalator; walks through the kind of 'Home Stylings' section where no other guy would go. Everything he talks about is on display in some form. DAVE -- And there are thousands of standards for domestic life, involving even more totally un-guy concepts -- like curtains, bedspreads, napkins, special hangers, little soaps shaped like fruit, and decorative boxes that hold tissues that already come in a box. While guys, left on their own in the wild, will develop lifestyles that don't involve any of these things. CUT TO: INT. COLLEGE GUY APARTMENT - DAY COLLEGE ROGER and COLLEGE GENE stand in their doorway. There is one window, a lot of dust and nothing else. COLLEGE GENE I know just what this place needs. COLLEGE ROGER (NODS) Hockey sticks. They turn around to go buy hockey sticks. CUT TO: 90. INT. THE SAME APARTMENT - SOME MONTHS LATER A RABBIT on a lawn chair drinks beer out of an ashtray. College Roger and College Gene play Indoor Death Hockey; slamming into walls, scattering NEWSPAPERS and PIZZA BOXES - as their IMAGE FREEZES. DAVE of course, even by the most basic standards, these two are living like savages. But they honestly don't know this -- because Guys, in their natural state, aren't any more aware of domestic standards than a trout would be aware of the stock market. And this causes women a lot of concern. CUT TO: EXT. SEATTLE - E-CAFE - DAY SEATTLE GIRL Take laundry. To him his clean clothes are ready when he's ready to go get them. And they can dry the rest of the way in the drawer. But they don't dry the rest of the way in the drawer, they sit there in damp musty unfolded balls and he doesn't even mind, and I can't figure that out. What is the matter with folding something? What is the matter with waiting for it to be dry? CUT TO: INT. DAVE'S CURRENT BEDROOM - DAY Dave unloads a laundry basket on the bed. Starts folding the clean clothes and making piles. DAVE Laundry's a big issue - and a deep and puzzling mystery to guys. My own wife Michelle, for instance, is an accomplished sportswriter and mother of an extremely young child, yet she is still able to maintain a vigorous clothes-cleaning regimen bordering on the super-human. And I'm not allowed near the stuff. 91. MICHELLE (comes in with more CLOTHES) He's right. She dumps out the clothes, sees what he's doing and takes over, doing it better. Dave picks up a random BLOUSE, shows a LABEL with lots of printing on it. DAVE These are clearly secret codes, that women intuitively understand but cannot adequately explain -- just like how a lot of guys understand the Infield Fly Rule, without being able to explain that. MICHELLE I can explain the Infield Fly Rule. DAVE Because you're special, Sweetheart. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUY BASHING" EXT. OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY Dave anchors a semi circle with Sidra, Mia, Karla E and Lila. They take turns focus group style. SIDRA Sometimes I think they're just like tapeworms. You know? I mean tapeworms are just tapeworms - that's all they are, and all they'll ever be. They're just these repulsive little parasitic beasts and nobody expects anything different from them - because people know that's their nature. And it's the same way with guys - although a tapeworm's more likely to help clean out the garage. LILA (NODS) They have to be the biggest and they have to be the best. And they can never back down from a challenge. Ever. 92 KARLA E They sleep with your sister and wonder what's wrong with that. MIA They will make a game out of anything. A contest out of anything. Give them a grain of sand and they will figure out some game with it. LILA And they'll argue over the rules. KARLA E (off their agreement) They leave their dirty dishes everywhere. I can't believe the places I'll find some crusted over cereal bowl with yuckola blobs of God knows what in them. And the thing is, from his point of view? They really do get cleaned by magic! Because I can't take seeing them sit there, so I clean them. SIDRA (to Karla E) I just get him to wash my car when that stuff happens. KARLA E Sweetheart he could wash my car with his tongue and it still wouldn't make up for where I find those dishes sometimes. DAVE (while they commiserate) So now that we've heard your thoughts. The frustration, the exasperation... the obvious question comes to mind: Why go through it? Why have guys in your life at all? They look at him. MIA -- You mean as a choice? You mean like a mature adult choice to have a guy in your life? In spite of everything? 93 SIDRA Like trying to borrow money from you, after you've broken up, so he can buy something for his new girlfriend? And wondering what the problem was with that? I mean like really not knowing? Dave looks at her. They all do. Until -- LILA I'll tell you why. There is no good reason, that's why. The others turn, look her way. LILA -- I mean don't get me wrong. They really can be fun. You know, like a big stupid dog can be fun. I mean not everything has to be so serious in life. You want to be able to do more with someone than just read book reviews together - which is something a guy would never do anyway. (then as the others LISTEN CLOSER) But what a guy will do? Is at eleven o'clock at night he'll show up at your door and bring cheese steaks. And he doesn't care that you look all rumply and dreadful from not expecting anyone. He might not even remember that you're a vegetarian and don't eat cheese steaks -- but that doesn't really matter either. Because the point is he wanted one, and he can't come out and say it but he didn't want to eat it alone. MIA And you're the person he thought of. LILA (off her look; nods) I can't tell you what that feels like, when they do that. (a beat; and then) I swear, if they knew how adorable they are sometimes, they'd be dangerous. I mean -- more dangerous. The other Girls think about that. Considering... 94. SIDRA -- Bullshit. They're tapeworms. The rest of them agree and all high-five her. Dave leans back from the fray, turns to the CAMERA. DAVE I think it's time for the conclusion now. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE CONCLUSION" EXT. JOHNNY LAKE'S HANG GLIDING CENTER - DAY A SIGN says "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT." Dave is on top of the hill, in a rig that the EX-LAWYER is fastening him into. DAVE Well now you know where things stand. You've learned a little bit about guys, and the critical roles they've played in the past and in modern society today. And for better or worse, they're here with us to stay -- so the best thing you can do about it, is continue to learn about them - by coming to see this movie lots and lots of times, and bringing more and more of your friends back every time you do. Because the more people that understand guys, the better for everyone. And the more people that -- (as the Lawyer launches HIM) -- WHOAAAAAAAALII Off he goes. . .right out of frame, and -- FADE TO BLACK. MUSIC AND END CREDITS BEGIN, AS -- CUT TO: A PICTURE OF ROGER AND ELAINE, IN ROGER'S CAR SUBTITLE: Roger now owns a 104-piece tool set, and he has successfully attempted to change his first switchplate. A PICTURE OF ELAINE WITH HER HEAD AGAINST THE BASEMENT DOOR 95. SUBTITLE: Elaine has an open line of credit with Steve. A PICTURE OF GENE AND KELLY, AT A DANCE CLASS SUBTITLE: Gene and Kelly won the Fred and Ginger Award in three straight ballroom competitions. Gene was right; they belong together. A PICTURE OF SHERYL CROW, IN CONCERT SUBTITLE: Sheryl Crow gave a concert in Central Park for half a million people a while back. We weren't there, but we have it on CD. A PICTURE OF RICHARD M. NIXON WAVING GOODBYE SUBTITLE: Richard M. Nixon was finally elected President in 1968. He held that position until August, 1974, when he resigned in disgrace. A PICTURE OF AGENTS LEOPOLD AND STEARNS SUBTITLE: Agent Leopold and Agent Stearns were fired by the FBI for gross incompetence. They now work in network television. A PICTURE OF THE BRITISH GUY WHO PLAYED EVERY EXPERT SUBTITLE: This man is not really an expert. If you see him, don't listen to any of his opinions. A PICTURE OF A BALLPLAYER, WITH HIS FACE BLURRED OUT SUBTITLE: Rufino Lupenza is an imaginary ballplayer, created by the filmmakers to prove a point. However, if he did exist, and if he were any good, the Yankees probably would get him. And that would suck. A PICTURE OF JOHN MADDEN ON A TV SCREEN. WHICH THEN COMES ALIVE -- JOHN MADDEN Now these are the kinda end credits you like to see. You got the final update thing goin', where you find out how all the characters you've been watchin' are gonna turn out. You got good music, a lively kinda feel, and maybe most of all, the movie itself isn't too long -- He reacts now, looking down at the TAIL CREDITS as they start speeding up. 96. JOHN MADDEN -- that's how you know it's a real movie, in my book. That's how you know it's not some boring kinda art piece made by these tortured head case kids fresh outta film school -- you're not gonna come outta this theater talkin' about symbolism, or the use of darkness and light or any kinda mumbo-jumbo like that -- you come out of this movie and you're laughin'. And that's what I like in a movie - a movie that's funny but it doesn't take forever, you know? You still got some time to do somethin' after, maybe go get somethin' to eat, y'know? Because the guys behind the thing knew enough not to drag on and on and -- CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE END" As the MUSIC FADES.. .and it's QUIET. A good quiet... DAVE (V.0.) Hey what do you know? We got through the whole entire thing without saying "booger." FADE OUT: THE END
DEADPOOL Written by Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick Final Shooting Script - November 16, 2015 OVER BLACK. Low volume, through a tinny speaker, JUICE NEWTON'S `ANGEL OF THE MORNING.' FADE UP ON: 1 EXT./INT. TAXI CAB - MORNING 1 DEADPOOL, in full DRESS REDS and MASK, quietly FIDGETS in the BACK SEAT of a TAXI CAB as it proceeds along a CITY FREEWAY. Deadpool adjusts the two KATANAS strapped to his back. Rolls the WINDOWS up, down, up. Tries futilely to untwist the seatbelt, then LUNGES forward, locking it up. Rifles through a tourist booklet and tears out a HAUNTED SEGWAY TOUR coupon. The CABBIE, young, thin, brown, glances back and forth from the rear view to the road to the rear view. DEADPOOL Kinda lonesome back here. CUT TO: DEADPOOL, WEDGING himself through the opening between the back seat and front. His two katanas don't cooperate, catching on the Plexiglas, stalling him mid-torso. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Little help? The cabbie grabs Deadpool's hand and pulls him through to the front. Deadpool's head rests upside down on the bench seat as he maneuvers his legs through. The cabbie turns the helping hand into a HANDSHAKE, then turns down the Juice. CABBIE Dopinder. DEADPOOL (still upside-down) Pool. Deadpool. Dopinder is remarkably UNAFFECTED by the lunatic in his cab. DOPINDER Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? DEADPOOL It's like Christmas Day, Dopinder. Been waiting one thousand eight hundred twenty- two days, three hours... (checks `Adventure Time' watch) ...and thirty-six minutes for this shit. (CONTINUED) 2. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 1 CONTINUED: 1 DEADPOOL turns himself RIGHT-SIDE-UP in the front seat. He is YOKED to the gills and ARMED to the teeth. TWIN KATANAS. TWIN DESERT EAGLE .50 CALIBER PISTOLS. Deadpool grabs Dopinder's OPEN BAG of CORN NUTS. Dopinder isn't quick enough to stop him. Deadpool gazes out the window onto the city - a teeming, sooty urban sprawl that looks almost... pre-post-apocalyptic. Deadpool turns up his MASK. Dopinder catches a GLIMPSE of the bottom of a SCARRED face. And quickly looks AWAY. Deadpool eats the CORN NUTS. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. Points. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Nice. Dopinder eyes his DAFFODIL DAYDREAM AIR FRESHENER and takes a deep breath through his nose. DOPINDER Smells good, no? DEADPOOL Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. A PICTURE of a young INDIAN WOMAN is taped to the dash. DOPINDER Ah yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. She was supposed to make me a very agreeable wife. Mom and Dad chose her rather excellently. But Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. Bandhu is as dishonorable as he is attractive. DEADPOOL Dopinder, I'm starting to think I'm in this cab for a reason. DOPINDER Because you hailed it? DEADPOOL No, my slender brown friend... to give you one crucial piece of advice: Love... is a beautiful thing. When it finds you, the whole world smells like Daffodil Daydream. Deadpool's own heartbreak is palpable. He takes another deep, cleansing BREATH. (CONTINUED) 3. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 1 CONTINUED: (2) 1 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) So hold onto love tight. Go at Bandhu hard. Get Gita back. Or else... the whole world will taste like Mama June after hot yoga. DOPINDER And how does Ms. Mama June taste? DEADPOOL Like two hobos making love under a drizzle of Limburger- I could go all day like this. Point is, bad. Deadpool chucks the bag of Corn Nuts into the back seat and pulls out his PISTOLS. He starts CHAMBERING shells into two magazines. Suddenly, he frantically pats himself down, like a Hollywood agent who can't find his phone. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Shiiiit. My extra mags! I usually leave them right by the door so I'll trip over them! Someone must've moved them... 2 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY 2 A blind late-70's AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN in a purple floral dress enters the front door, falls as she trips over an `I HEART HELLO KITTY' DUFFEL BAG of AMMUNITION, PICKS it UP, and CARRIES it OFF. 3 INT./EXT. TAXI CAB - MORNING 3 DOPINDER Shall we turn back? DEADPOOL No time. Not today. (slides in last bullets) Ten, eleven, twelve... or bust. (chambers a shell into each gun, looks up) Right here! The cab SCREECHES to a stop on the shoulder of the highest FREEWAY in a massive INTERCHANGE of freeways. Dopinder halts the meter and hands Deadpool his CARD. DOPINDER My card. That's $27.50. (CONTINUED) 4. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 3 CONTINUED: 3 DEADPOOL Oooo. I never carry a wallet when I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit. How 'bout a crisp high five? Dopinder stares as he and Deadpool slap skin. Deadpool GETS OUT of the cab. DOPINDER Be sure to... ask for me again? DEADPOOL I owe you one. Merry Christmas, Dopinder. DOPINDER And a convivial... Tuesday in April to you, Pool... Guy. Deadpool closes the door with a flourish. Boom. 4 EXT./INT. `THE RAFT' PRISON - MORNING 4 A bone-white ISLAND PRISON, affectionately nicknamed `The Raft,' looms ominously in a CITY HARBOR. Etched in helvetica into the prison wall: `No punishment has ever possessed enough power of deterrence to prevent the commission of crimes.' - Hannah Arendt. Below it, GRAFFITIED in RED SPRAY PAINT: `Until NOW' The prison's FRONT DOORS OPEN, and out steps a handcuffed PRISONER, 30's, ORANGE JUMPSUIT, broad shoulders, whip-smart, tightly coiled, with cool, dead-blue eyes. BURLY GUARDS guide him across a CAUSEWAY toward a CONVOY of Escalades and Ducatis on shore. The middle Escalade's door opens. The prisoner stops. The guards unlock his CUFFS. GUARD You're someone else's problem now. The ex-prisoner STRETCHES his arms and strides TOWARD the convoy. PRISONER Yes. I. Am. CUE SALT & PEPA'S `SHOOP:' 5. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 5 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - DAY 5 DEADPOOL sits on the edge of the highest freeway on the overpass, legs dangling over the side like Huck Finn. DEADPOOL Can I get some fries with that shake- shake boobie? If looks could kill you would be an uzi. Deadpool is using some broken CRAYONS to draw something on a scrap of paper. REVERSE ANGLE to REVEAL a childish drawing of Deadpool SHOOTING another man in the head, brains blowing out. The victim's thought bubble reads: `OUCHIE!!!' Even through the mask, Deadpool looks pleased by this. He turns to CAMERA: DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Oh, hello, Deadpool here. You may be wondering whose balls I had to fondle to get my own movie. Rhymes with `Polverine.' Couple'a smooth criminals. (ALT:) In a word, gorgeous. (ALT:) Surprisingly little hair down there. (ALT:) It's a jungle down there. (ALT:) Thick underbrush. (beat) Anyway, I smell Oscar. The suit's gonna match the carpet. Now... places to be... faces to fix... bad guys to kill... ANGLE ON a distant BIRD'S EYE VIEW of the freeway interchange: an interwoven tangle of ramps. 6 EXT. REMOTE AIRFIELD - MORNING 6 AJAX, 30's, dead-blue eyes, broad shoulders, whip-smart, tightly coiled stands at ease on a cracked and blistered tarmac. Behind him, a HEAVILY ARMED CONVOY OF DUCATIS and ESCALADES. FOUR LARGE ALUMINUM CARGO CRATES sit beside him. Ajax squints into the sun as A BELL HELICOPTER thrashes the air above him, kicking up dust as it lands. (CONTINUED) 6. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 6 CONTINUED: 6 A SERBIAN WARLORD, mid-50's, sharply dressed, armored BRIEFCASE in hand, climbs out. He is surrounded by ARMED GUARDS. The Warlord places the BRIEFCASE on the FOREMOST CRATE. Ajax pops the case... to find STACKS upon STACKS of THOUSAND DOLLAR BILLS. Satisfied, he closes the briefcase and hands it to one of his men. AJAX (bangs crate) They won't disappoint. WARLORD They'd better not. And next month's shipment? AJAX There won't be one. Demand is high. You aren't the only one with a war to win. WARLORD (steps forward) That won't do. Both sets of armed thugs shift to ready positions. Ajax smiles calmly, but his free hand DARTS OUT and CASUALLY LIFTS the warlord into the air by the THROAT. Fingers find triggers on both sides. AJAX There's been a small... disruption in our supply chain. We'll deliver in full the following month. Say, ten percent off for the inconvenience? The Warlord manages to nod in acquiescence. Ajax smiles again, lowers him gasping to the ground. AJAX (CONT'D) We appreciate your business. Ajax spins and walks purposefully toward the line of waiting SUV's. The warlord angrily motions for his men to begin loading the crates into the helicopter, which they do. WARLORD (sotto voce) Fucking mutant. (CONTINUED) 7. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 6 CONTINUED: (2) 6 Behind him the convoy of SUV's and motorcycles pull out, falling into line as they accelerate past the rows of derelict aircraft. 7 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - DAY 7 DEADPOOL watches as the convoy approaches. He CASUALLY gets up as if standing up out of an easy chair... DEADPOOL On your mark, get set, go, let me go, let me shoop... He PIROUETTES, and DROPS an entire level DOWN... 8 INT. ESCALADE - MORNING 8 THROUGH the SUNROOF of an ESCALADE. SMASH! There are FOUR HUGE BAD-ASSES inside the S.U.V., two in front, two behind. Deadpool lands back-middle in a HAILSTORM of GLASS. He stuns the men to both sides with elbows to the face as he raises his arms in greeting. DEADPOOL ¡Hola! ¡Me llamo Piscina De La Muerte! (subtitled, in YELLOW:) Hello! My name is the Pool of Death. There's no easy way to say this. I'm pregnant, Trevor. (ALT:) Any of you seen Green Lantern? Me neither. BOOM! MAYHEM ERUPTS as the two men in back find themselves sharing a phone booth with the TASMANIAN DEVIL: ELBOWS. FOREARMS. KNEES. CRACKING. CRUNCHING. SCREAMING. From BEHIND, the Escalade BUCKS and BOUNCES down the road on its suspension, almost CARTOON-LIKE. A brutal punch spins Deadpool UPSIDE-DOWN, and he rolls with it, uses his FEET to BREAK the man's NECK. The other man stomps on his head, then drags him up and SMUSHES Deadpool's face into the seat's premium trim. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Rich... Corinthian... Leather. Deadpool HURLS the man through THROUGH the TAILGATE WINDOW. The man clutches the TAILGATE, DRAGGED behind the S.U.V. Deadpool sticks his head between the two guys in FRONT. (CONTINUED) 8. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 8 CONTINUED: 8 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Scuse, por favor! The DRIVER SLAMS Deadpool's head into the console repeatedly. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Deadpool squirms away and WRESTLES VIOLENTLY with the guy in the PASSENGER SEAT. He GRABS the PASSENGER SEAT-BELT, TIES it around the guy's ANKLE, and KICKS him out the PASSENGER SIDE DOOR. The guy's HEAD and SHOULDERS SMACK pavement, where he's DRAGGED mercilessly by his ANKLE - a modern COWBOY whose boot just got stuck in his horse's STIRRUP. Deadpool grabs the driver by the HAIR on the BACK of his HEAD and BANGS his FOREHEAD into: The horn. HONK. HONK. The stereo. Every time the driver's forehead SMACKS the face of the stereo, the RADIO STATION CHANGES: MARIACHI. DR. DREW. MONSTER TRUCK COMMERCIAL ('SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!'). One more SMACK to get us back to MARIACHI. Deadpool looks in the REAR VIEW MIRROR to see the man in back CRAWL up the tailgate. Deadpool PUSHES in the Cadillac's CIGARETTE LIGHTER. Back to the DRIVER. Deadpool BASHES his face into the DRIVER's SIDE WINDOW. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. We're now OUTSIDE the Escalade, seeing the driver's expression take on a ridiculous silly-putty-esque grimace of pain every time it's MUSHED into the glass. The man in back scrambles forward. The CIGARETTE LIGHTER POPS OUT. Deadpool YANKS the EMERGENCY BRAKE. The man in back LAUNCHES forward and SMACKS the DASHBOARD. Deadpool STABS the now ORANGE-HOT lighter into the man's forehead, burning the COIL PATTERN into his skin. The man SCREAMS. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Loved your work in Daredevil. Deadpool stuffs the lighter INTO the man's mouth and CLAMPS his hand over it. (CONTINUED) 9. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 8 CONTINUED: (2) 8 The man hollers in muffled agony. A MOTORCYCLE has pulled AHEAD of the ESCALADE and now sits, STOPPED, in its path. The helmeted RIDER OPENS FIRE with a SUB-MACHINE GUN. Deadpool has one hand grasped on the back of the driver's neck, still mashing his face into the window glass, and the OTHER hand still clamped over the second man's mouth. He plants both FEET on the steering wheel and `drives,' spinning the wheel, sending the S.U.V. into... ...a ROLL. The Escalade goes ENDO, SOMERSAULTING WILDLY. Suddenly, the ACTION BEGINS TO SLOW... The motorcycle RIDER tries to bail out. NO LUCK. The tumbling Escalade PLOWS RIGHT INTO him AND his bike. Parts scatter off the motorcycle, including its CHAIN. The RIDER continues to SQUEEZE off ROUNDS as he goes FLYING. Inside the Escalade, Deadpool goes SPIN-CYCLE. The DRIVER flies through the sunroof, tearing out its remaining glass. BLOOD spatters. The other man spits out the glowing CIGARETTE LIGHTER. The guy whose ankle is still tangled in the seat-belt FLAILS through the air like a rag-doll, AHAB tied to MOBY DICK. The action CONTINUES to SLOW... until it FREEZES. The camera swoops in to Deadpool's face, upside down. HE TURNS HIS HEAD TO CAMERA FOR THE FIRST TIME, BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL, THE ONLY THING IN THE SCENE THAT'S MOVING: DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Shit. Did I leave the stove on? We RAMP back UP to FULL SPEED. The S.U.V. CARTWHEELS. The guy's ankle untangles from the seat-belt. He FLIES high toward a big HIGHWAY EXIT SIGN and... SPLAT... out of frame. The RIDER's NECK is SLICED by the flying MOTORCYCLE CHAIN. The DRIVER is half-way out the SUNROOF when the S.U.V. rolls over him. SQUISH. The man who ate the CIGARETTE LIGHTER now eats pavement. VX8 EXT. X-MANSION - DAY VX8 A sign reads `PROFESSOR XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS. (CONTINUED) 10. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VX8 CONTINUED: VX8 REPORTER (O.S.) Breaking news. A multicar collision turns shots fired on the crosstown expressway... The sign sits on the perfectly manicured front lawn of the gorgeous Gothic X-MANSION. VX8 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS VX8 The X-Men's COLOSSUS. A GOOD-NATURED GIANT with CHROME METAL FOR SKIN. BIG AS A BARN. OTHER-WORLDLY STRONG. He is sitting in the kitchen, eating a bowl of GRAPE NUTS and finishing a SUDOKU, his attention suddenly drawn to a TELEVISION SCREEN: REPORTER The assailant appears to be wearing a... COLOSSUS REPORTER (CONT'D) Red suit? Red suit. With an audible CRACK, the pencil in Colossus' thick fingers snaps. He rises, muttering Russian curses and stalks from the kitchen. VC8 INT. HANGAR - MOMENTS LATER VC8 Massive STEEL BLAST DOORS emblazoned with a huge "X" slide open to reveal COLOSSUS. He walks quickly and purposefully towards a big plane in the center of the huge space: the BLACKBIRD, the X-Men's modified XR-71 jet transport. Struggling to keep up with the giant's long strides is a supernaturally CUTE, supernaturally DEADPAN 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL, in an X-MEN outfit. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. COLOSSUS I've given Deadpool every chance to join us. And what is my reward? More immaturity and criminality! When will he finally grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? NTW Like... The house that blows up every few years? The fashion-forward jump-suits? I need to get myself kicked out of X- School. COLOSSUS But I thought you were at top of class. (CONTINUED) 11. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VC8 CONTINUED: VC8 NTW Was that sarcasm? Awesome. COLOSSUS You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. (hands NTW a protein bar) Here. Protein bar, good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours. NTW shoves the bar in a pocket of her coat without breaking stride. 9 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - MORNING 9 The S.U.V. slides to a halt ON ITS SIDE, PASSENGER WINDOWS UP. The rest of the CONVOY is forced to stop BEHIND. A BUNCH of MEN PILE OUT, each one carrying a BEASTLY GUN and POINTING it STRAIGHT at the disabled S.U.V. The last noise is made by one final dislodged HUBCAP, which rattles in little circles until it lies FLAT on the freeway. TWO SILENT BEATS. Then we hear the soft, ELECTRIC BUZZ of the Escalade's middle passenger window ROLLING DOWN. Up pops the HEAD of DEADPOOL, like the GOPHER in Caddyshack. BANG BANG BANG BANG. DEADPOOL Wait, wait... The head drops, the hands come up. BANG. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Wait! You're probably wondering. Why the red suit? It's so bad guys can't see me bleed. This guy has the idea. He wore the brown pants. (to camera) All together now... The THUGS immediately OPEN FIRE. Deadpool is already leaping upward, flipping backwards, bullets tearing the air beneath him as he pulls out those TWO MASSIVE .50 CAL PISTOLS... and in slo-mo, RETURNS FIRE. Deadpool keeps count of every bullet he fires: DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Twelve..! (CONTINUED) 12. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 9 CONTINUED: 9 A SHELL-CASING is EJECTED. We enter EXTREME SLO-MO and SWOOP IN on the shell as it TUMBLES through the air... ...revealing the number `00012' ETCHED in a semi-circle on its butt end. Deadpool FIRES the second pistol. We move instantly to the second shell: `00011' DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Eleven... FULL SPEED. The first TWO THUGS get a MOUTHFUL of BULLET. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Ten... ANOTHER SHOT. A THUG takes one in the HEART. The other thugs POUR LEAD into the disabled S.U.V. Deadpool LEAPS UP and OUT of the window, rising ABOVE the incoming shots, then LANDING SAFELY BEHIND the Escalade. Deadpool TURNS to SPY a MOTORCYCLE RIDER BEARING DOWN ON HIM. This rider wears a distinctive SILVER HELMET. Deadpool raises BOTH pistols. This RIDER LEANS away, dodging each slug. First left, then right, then left. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Nine. Shit! Eight. Fuck! Seven. Shit- fuck! The bike WHIZZES PAST safely, firing bullets, DEADPOOL follows, leaping high, flipping over the S.U.V. He lands smoothly the other side, right BEHIND a thug who's looking in the other direction as he sneaks around the car. Deadpool SHRUGS and SHOOTS him in the BACK of the HEAD at POINT BLANK RANGE. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Six. The shell tumbles to the ground, falls still. `00006' Deadpool opens the Escalade. His target is NOT THERE. BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG. Deadpool is nearly BROUGHT DOWN by a particularly big thug with a particularly big AK-47. He dives behind another Escalade, takes a moment to search the interior through the windows... and then flinches as AK- 47 bullets pass THROUGH the skin of the S.U.V. around him. (CONTINUED) 13. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 9 CONTINUED: (2) 9 One of the bullets lands in DEADPOOL'S BICEP. Deadpool yelps, in pain... then stuffs some of his torn red suit fabric into the hole to staunch the bleeding. Then he scrambles AROUND the S.U.V., trying to close the distance to this guy through a WITHERING BARRAGE of fire. Another of the AK's slugs SLICES a swath out of the mask on Deadpool's head, SINGING his hair. DEADPOOL. Fuck. You. Deadpool lands in FRONT of the thug. The thug pulls his trigger again, only to - CLICK - realize he's OUT of BULLETS. DEADPOOL Someone's not counting. Cinco. The bullet HITS the thug in the throat. `00005' DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Me gusta cinco. Deadpool STRIDES past the fallen thug, pawing at his singed hair - ow - and then out of sheer, pumped-up ANGER... ...turns and PUMPS TWO MORE SUPERFLUOUS BULLETS into him. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Four. Three. Stupid. Worth it. The SILVER-HELMETED MOTORCYCLE RIDER makes another pass, FIRING. Deadpool ducks behind the S.U.V. again. 20 yards away, a GROUP of thugs TAKE COVER behind the final S.U.V. One pulls out a HAND-GRENADE, RAISES HIS ARM to throw. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (chuckles) Number two... Deadpool FIRES, SHOOTING the GRENADE in the thug's FIST. BOOM! The whole CLUSTER of THUGS drops. Deadpool emerges from behind the S.U.V., feeling victorious. He approaches the final S.U.V. and throws open the doors to search, expecting to find his target at last. Inside is a rumpled orange prison coverall, but NOT the PRISONER. Deadpool gets childishly angry. (CONTINUED) 14. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 9 CONTINUED: (3) 9 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) What the shit-biscuit! Where you at, Francis? Worse, CLICK-CLACK. The distinctive COCKING of SHOTGUNS. 3 final THUGS stand on the freeway, lined up perpendicular to Deadpool, SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER, FIRING BENELLI COMBAT SHOTGUNS. BAM! BAM! BAM! Deadpool ducks behind the S.U.V. and raises a PISTOL. We ZOOM IN through the CHAMBER to spy the last BULLET, POISED in front of the FIRING PIN: `00001' Deadpool thinks, then LEAPS from behind the `SCLADE, TWISTS forward and right. All 3 THUGS FIRE again. BUCKSHOT rips into DEADPOOL's BACK. But he LANDS so that all 3 men are now parallel to him... ...in A SINGLE-FILE LINE. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) One. BOOM! We're with the FINAL BULLET as it HURTLES from the gun and passes THROUGH the first man's head... then the SECOND man's head... and SMACKS the third man in the forehead. This third man, the BIGGEST THUG YET, HITS the DECK. Deadpool puts his mouth to his pistol barrel, INHALES... and then EXHALES smoke through the pores of his mask. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I'm touching myself tonight. But then, as if by magic, the third thug STIRS... and STANDS. The SLUG has LODGED partway in his FOREHEAD, having lost just enough momentum that it didn't make it all the way through. The thug sneers, plucks out the slug, wipes away some blood, and rolls up his SLEEVES. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Really? Rolling up the sleeves? Deadpool reaches back. We hear the THRILLING SOUND... (CONTINUED) 15. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 9 CONTINUED: (4) 9 ...of STEEL BLADES being DRAWN. Out come Deadpool's TRADEMARK KATANAS. The thug's eyes widen as... ...SWOOSH... the blades swing through the air and SKEWER him, between two different ribs and out the BACK. DEADPOOL (V.O.) I know what you're thinking... The action SLOWS again to a FREEZE. Deadpool is in mid- slice, muscles bulging. DEADPOOL (V.O.) I'll bet he works out. So what if I am pulling the double shift at the ab- factory? What if I do want my man menu to feature the shredded beef? Call it insecurity. But I haven't touched a carb since... 10 INT. FOYER, TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT - PAST 10 Title: 6 Years Ago A sleazy, mid-thirties MAN, GAVIN MERCHANT, decked out in DRAGON PRINT V-NECK and STUDDED JEANS, is MID-ARGUMENT with a late teen, pimply-faced PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, whose name-tag reads: JEREMY. MERCHANT Will it help if I slow down? I didn't. Order. The pizza. JEREMY This 7348 Red Ledge Drive? (off nod) And you're... Mr. Merchant? MERCHANT The Mr. Merchant who didn't. Order. The. Fucking. Pie. JEREMY Then who placed the call? A TOILET flushes in another room, and both men turn. WADE (O.S.) I did. (CONTINUED) 16. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 10 CONTINUED: 10 The VOICE comes from over Merchant's shoulder. WADE WILSON (the future DEADPOOL, MINUS the SCARS and SUIT), handsome, boyish, cheerily steps from through a doorway and into the living room wiping his hands on a towel. Merchant STARES, incredulous. WADE (CONT'D) Pineapple and olive? Jeremy NODS. WADE (CONT'D) Sweet and salty. MERCHANT The fuck are you? And what are you doing in my crib?! Without even turning toward Merchant, Wade PULLS OUT A .50 CALIBER DESERT EAGLE PISTOL and nonchalantly AIMS it at him. Merchant and Jeremy both go pale. WADE (to Jeremy) Burnt crust? JEREMY God I hope not. (opens the box, winces) Words cannot express- WADE Relax, son, that's hows I likes it! Once you go black, you never go back! (takes pizza) MERCHANT (stammering) This is about the poker game, right? I told Howie... Listen, take whatever you want! Merchant fumbles with his wallet and starts to hand Wade the bills inside. Wade takes the ENTIRE WALLET instead. WADE Thanks! JEREMY (to Wade) Uh. Sir? Before you do anything to him. Could I have a big tip? (CONTINUED) 17. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 10 CONTINUED: (2) 10 WADE (already munching) Jeremy, is it? JEREMY Yeah. WADE Wade Wilson. (quick fist bump) Jeremy, that's a no go on the tiperoo. I'm not here for him. (levels gun at Jeremy) I'm here for you. Jeremy's eyes widen. Wade holds up a YELLOW CARD, featuring an embedded SIM. Below the logo of a CYPRESS TREE is the name of Wade's intended target: `GARRETT, JEREMY.' Merchant breathes a sigh of relief. MERCHANT Dodged a big time bullet on that o- Wade PISTOL-PUNCHES/POKES Merchant in the forehead. Merchant howls. WADE (re: studded jeans) Not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. (sniffs) And the Axe body spray. JEREMY (sheepish) That's unfortunately me. WADE PS, I'm keeping your wallet. Ya did kinda give it to me... MERCHANT Can I at least have my Sam's Club card baaa- Wade points the pistol at Merchant again, sending him backpedaling into a chair. WADE I will shoot your fucking cat. (CONTINUED) 18. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 10 CONTINUED: (3) 10 MERCHANT I don't have a cat! WADE Then whose kitty-litter did I just shit in? (turns to Jeremy) Anyhoo, you by chance know a Meghan Orlovsky? Getting that right? Orlovsky? Orloskvy? Do you? Jeremy manages a timid little NOD. WADE (CONT'D) Good. `Cause she knows you. Wade holsters the pistol and WHIPS out a HUNTING KNIFE. He twirls it adeptly... but instead of holding it to Jeremy's neck... CUTS himself a SLICE of PIZZA. WADE (CONT'D) What situation isn't improved by pizza? Wade shovels half the slice into his mouth, revealing an Army SPECIAL FORCES TATTOO on his forearm: A SKULL WEARING A GREEN BERET, BACKED BY A BLADE, AND THE WORDS `DE OPPRESSO LIBER' (official motto of the U.S. Army Special Forces). WADE (CONT'D) (through chews) Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. (cuts another pizza slice) Little Meghan's not made of money, but lucky her, I've got a soft spot. Wade brings the next pizza slice over to Merchant. Wade nearly hands it to him but lets go too soon. The slice falls flat - pineapple down - onto the floor at Merchant's feet. JEREMY B-but I'm- WADE (returns to Jeremy) A stalker. Threats hurt, Jer. Though not nearly as bad as serrated steel. Wade pokes the end of his knife into Jeremy's chest, pinning him against the wall. WADE (CONT'D) So keep away from Meghan. We cool? (CONTINUED) 19. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 10 CONTINUED: (4) 10 JEREMY Y-yeah. A beat. In a huge ANTI-CLIMAX, Wade deftly twirls his knife AWAY from Jeremy's chest, SPINS it on his finger, and JAMS it back into its SLEEVE. WADE Then we're done. JEREMY W-we are? WADE Soft spot, remember? But even look in her general direction again? You'll learn in the worst of ways. (pats Jeremy's cheek) I've got some hard spots too. (pauses) That came out wrong. Or did it? 11 EXT. SKATE PARK - NIGHT - PAST 11 SKATE PUNKS carve on ramps built into the sides of a highway underpass. A group of TEEN GIRLS are perched at the bottom of the nearby stairs, texting each other from inches away. An old-fashioned GHETTO BLASTER bangs `SHOOP.' SALT & PEPA I love you in your big jeans. GIRLS (join chorus) You give me nice dreams. You make me wanna scream... Boom. A PIZZA BOX lands at their feet. On top of it lands a POLAROID PICTURE. WADE (O.S.) "Oooo, oooo, oooo!" A FRIZZY-HAIRED EMO GIRL picks up the Polaroid... of a terrified JEREMY holding another pizza box that has been cut into a heart, the words `I'm Sorry' scrawled onto it, a PEE- STAIN on his JEANS, and a laughing WADE photo-bombing with the knife to his neck. She looks UP to see: Wade bobbing to the music. WADE (CONT'D) You've seen the last of Jeremy. (CONTINUED) 20. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 11 CONTINUED: 11 The girl - MEGHAN ORLOVSKY - leaps up and HUGS Wade tight. WADE (CONT'D) That's why we do it. GIRL #2 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? GIRL #3 How `bout Vice Principal Renwiki? WADE (suddenly serious) What'd he do to you? GIRL #3 Suspended me for smoking. WADE (turns to go) Good for him! Sorry, ladies. Me no dig cigs. And I may look mean. But if I give a guy a pavement facial? He earned it. Wade gives Meghan a smile, turns to leave. MEGHAN Hey. Thanks. You're my hero. The word catches Wade like a punch to the gut. Hero? WADE That I ain't. Wade doesn't turn back, walking through the swooping skaters. A12 EXT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT - PAST A12 A grimy SIGN on a grimier brick building reads: `SISTER MARGARET'S SCHOOL FOR WAYWARD GIRLS.' 12 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT - PAST 12 Inside, society's DREGS. Chief among them, BOOTHE: a HUGE, menacing hipster with a BOY SCOUT CAP and MASSIVE HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE. He's got some DUDE's fingers splayed out on the bar, jabbing a KNIFE POINT between them as fast as he can. WADE shimmies past, backslaps BOOTHE: WADE Boothe! (CONTINUED) 21. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 12 CONTINUED: 12 BOOTHE (turns, smiles) Heya, Wade! We hear a STAB and a SCREAM. Wade winces as he continues on to the BAR, claims a STOOL and waves over the lone bartender - WEASEL, early 20's, geeky, glasses. Think Tom Cruise in `Cocktail.' Then think the opposite. WEASEL Wade Wilson, Patron Saint of the Pitiful. What can I get you? WADE I'd love a blow-job. WEASEL We got that in common. WADE The drink, moose-knuckle. But first... Wade digs in a pocket, slaps the YELLOW `HIT' CARD, the one with the CYPRESS TREE, on the bar. Weasel goes to the register. Scans the card. Peels off three ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS. Lays them out like a bank teller. Wade PUSHES the MONEY AWAY... WADE (CONT'D) I ain't taking allowance money. Make sure it gets back to Ms. Osflorsky? Onroflensky? Olly-Olly-Oxen-Free? WEASEL Orlofsky. For a merc, you sure are warm- blooded. Bet you let the boy off easy- peasy, too. WADE (embarrassed) He's not a bad kid, Weas. Just a little light stalking. I was way worse at his age- traveling to far-off places - Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville - (shudders) - meeting new and exciting people - (CONTINUED) 22. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 12 CONTINUED: (2) 12 WEASEL And killing them. I've seen your Instagram. What was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? WADE Classified. (whispers) They have a wonderful TGIFridays. Those guys know their way around a Loaded Potato Skin. The point is, I'm trying to put those days in my rear-view. Weasel puts the finishing touches on the drink, pushes it across the bar to Wade. WEASEL Kahlua, Bailey's, whip cream. Fellatio in a glass. A burst of laughter turns Wade's attention to BUCK, a BAD-ASS in a snakeskin jacket, has a crowd gathered round him, mid- story. He too is holding a YELLOW CARD with SIM and CYPRESS TREE. BUCK So he's staring at my Glock in his mouth, like... (mouth full) `I thought you guys had a code!' And I'm like, `Yeah, no kids. No women. Almost fooled by your tits. But the moustache?! The crowd CRACKS UP. Wade pulls out Gavin Merchant's wallet and teases out a TWENTY. He grabs a passing waitress, tucks the bill in her shirt pocket and sets the blowjob on her tray. WADE Kelly, you mind taking this over to Buck? Tell him it's from Boothe. (whispers, to Weasel) Little foreplay. Weasel follows Wade's gaze to the end of the bar, where a chuckling BOOTHE wraps a bandage around the guy's bloody hand. WEASEL Remind me what good comes of this? (CONTINUED) 23. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 12 CONTINUED: (3) 12 WADE I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. Weasel allows himself a tiny conspiratorial SMILE. SMASH CUT TO: 13 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT 13 WADE, in medium shot, TEARING UP at the famous Steven Seagal bar fight from `OUT FOR JUSTICE' on T.V. as... SMACK... BAM... a REAL bar fight goes on - OUT OF FOCUS - behind him. WADE (trailer voice) It's a dirty job... but someone's gotta take out the garbage. Wade finally turns around to watch. BUCK finishes off Boothe... then pours the BLOW-JOB on top of him. WEASEL grabs a hand mirror, hops over the bar, and crosses to Boothe. All the PATRONS fall HUSH as WEASEL holds the mirror to Boothe's mouth. Boothe's BREATH FOGS it up. WEASEL Still kicking. The place `oooooohs.' Near miss. Weasel returns to his place behind the bar, looking disappointed. WADE Lemme guess. Ya got Boothe in Sister Margaret's dead pool. WEASEL Um. See. About that- WADE You did not bet on me to die. (looks up at board, incredulous) You bet on me to die. Wade leans back and looks up at an ENORMOUS CHALKBOARD hanging above the bar: `Sister Margaret's DEAD POOL.' Below, a long LIST of NAMES. DOLLAR AMOUNTS to the right of the names. More NAMES to the right of the dollars. Indeed, `WEASEL' has chosen `WADE.' Wade looks betrayed. (CONTINUED) 24. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 13 CONTINUED: 13 WADE (CONT'D) Weasel, you're the world's worst friend. Joke's on you. I'm living to 102. Like those old Quaker biddies on the Today Show. And retiring on my winnings. WEASEL Wait, who did you pick? Weasel looks up a the board, where `WADE' has claimed: `BIEBER, J.' WADE The Biebs. But I'm probably wrong. Nothing bad ever happens to teen stars who make 80 mil a year and think they're immune to the pitfalls of addiction and consequence. He'll be fine. (raises shot, yells) Drinks on me, soldiers of fortune! MERCENARIES Hooah! VANESSA Whoa, whoa... Wade turns to see a woman on his other side: VANESSA. Brunette. Silver-blue eyes. Tank. Tiny jean-shorts. VANESSA (CONT'D) Sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? Wade looks Vanessa all the way up and down... then holds up his PINKIE. WADE Tight. Vanessa raises her own pinkie. Shakes like a pinkie swear. VANESSA Vanessa. WADE What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? BUCK (O.S.) It ain't what she's doing, it's who. BUCK walks past and SLAPS Vanessa on the caboose. (CONTINUED) 25. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 13 CONTINUED: (2) 13 BUCK (CONT'D) I'd hit that shit. Wade pushes back his stool, stands menacingly. WADE Buck, you'd best apologize, before- But Vanessa doesn't wait for Wade's chivalry. She blows right by him and grabs a fistful of Buck's crotch. Buck gasps. WADE (CONT'D) Yeah, that. VANESSA (to Buck) Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. BUCK I'm sorry! I have no filter between my brain and mouth. I'm working on it. Wade takes Vanessa's shoulders. WADE OK, he apologized... hakuna his tatas... Vanessa lets Buck go, turns on Wade. VANESSA (let's go) And you- (shakes Wade off) Hands off the merchandise. WADE Merchandise? So, what, you, uh, bump fuzzies for money? VANESSA Yup. WADE Rough childhood? VANESSA Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born. WADE Daddy left before I was conceived. (CONTINUED) 26. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 13 CONTINUED: (3) 13 VANESSA Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? WADE I didn't know there was any other place to put one out. VANESSA I was molested. WADE Me too. Uncle. VANESSA Uncles. They took turns. WADE I watched my own birthday party from the keyhole of a locked closet, which was also my- VANESSA Bedroom? Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. WADE So you had a dishwasher. I didn't know sleep. It was pretty much 24-7 of ball gags, brownie mix, and fun-house mirrors. VANESSA Who would do such a thing? WADE Hopefully you. Later tonight. (beat) And my Uncle Kevin. Wade EMPTIES the rest of Gavin's wallet: WADE (CONT'D) What can I get for two-hundred-seventy three bucks... and a Yogurtland rewards card? Vanessa shoves the bills into her halter: VANESSA About forty-eight minutes of whatever you want... (peers at card) And a low-fat dessert. (CONTINUED) 27. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 13 CONTINUED: (4) 13 Wade grins at her like a kid on Christmas morning. 14 INT. ARCADE - NIGHT - PAST 14 A two-shot of WADE and VANESSA staring at each other, in profile. Wade looks really excited. WADE Time to put balls... in holes. REVERSE ANGLE to reveal two SKEEBALL MACHINES in the ARCADE. Wade inserts tokens, and balls CLUNK down. Vanessa looks half amused, half weirded out. WADE (CONT'D) You said whatever I want. VANESSA I get it. You love skeeball. Apparently more than you love vagina. WADE Tough call. Just trying to get to know the real you... not the plunging- necklined, short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. Wade slowly turns to CAMERA. REVERSE ANGLE TO his P.O.V.: A ten-year-old BOY stops in his tracks, his gaze moving from Vanessa's plunging neckline to her short shorts. BOY Nice tits! VANESSA Thank you, son. (tousles boy's hair) You know how to make a woman feel special. Vanessa reaches down, grabs two balls, hands one to Wade. VANESSA (CONT'D) Balls in holes. WADE Prepare to lose tragically. VANESSA Bring it, big man. (CONTINUED) 28. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 14 CONTINUED: 14 Wade smiles slyly, sizes up the ramp, rears back and OVERHANDS the first ball... right into the 50,000 CUP. VANESSA (CONT'D) Ruh-roh. 15 INT. ARCADE PRIZE COUNTER - LATER - PAST 15 A beaming WADE bellies up to the prize counter and lays a massive armful of pink TICKETS on top. WADE The limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. TEEN You're roughly three hundred thousand tickets short. (beat) It's nickel-silver-plated. WADE (disappointed) Then I guess the tire-grade rubber Voltron keychain. VANESSA places a measly TEN tickets of her own next to them. VANESSA And the... pencil eraser. The weary TEEN behind the counter hands Wade the low-rent VOLTRON KEYCHAIN, and Vanessa the eraser. TEEN (reads keychain package copy, bows) You are now the sworn protector of the gentle people of the planet Arus... (re: eraser, positive spin:) And you... you can... erase stuff... written in pencil. Wade extends his arm chivalrously: WADE M'lady? VANESSA Unfortunately, my anus-loving friend, your forty-eight minutes are up. (CONTINUED) 29. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 15 CONTINUED: 15 WADE Arus. And you're more evil than evil King Zarkon himself. Wade rubs his keychain wistfully, then offers it up. WADE (CONT'D) How many more minutes for this? (hard sell) FYI. Five mini lion-bots come together to make up the super-bot. VANESSA (faux-excited) Five mini lion-bots?! (matter-of-fact) Three minutes. WADE (gives keychain up) That's all I'll need! ALT: WADE What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty seven seconds? VANESSA Cuddle? Vanessa smiles and takes Wade's arm. They walk out of the ARCADE affectionately... ...to the SOUNDS OF TIRELESS, ATHLETIC SEX. 16 EXT./INT. WADE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - PAST 16 VANESSA (O.S.) How long can you keep this up? DUCT TAPE fails to cover a big multi-fissured CRACK in the WINDOW of Wade's CRAPPY APARTMENT. Inside, WADE has VANESSA up against the wall decorated with CHRISTMAS LIGHTS that have overstayed their welcome and a CALENDAR. They are going at it like RABBITS. WADE (raises eyebrow) All year? (CONTINUED) 30. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 16 CONTINUED: 16 Dolly Parton's `HERE YOU COME AGAIN' kicks in, and we... DISSOLVE INTO: 17 INT. WADE'S APARTMENT - DAY 17 A MONTAGE of images: Fun, irreverent SEX around the CALENDAR between WADE and VANESSA, identified by various holidays. VALENTINE'S DAY SEX. WADE falls back onto a bed covered in rose petals with VANESSA on top of him. She has drawn a heart on his chest in red lipstick. They go at it hard... then pause for a romantic look and kiss. VANESSA Happy Valentine's Day... Then IMMEDIATELY go back to hard pounding. CUT TO: A medium shot of the top half of VANESSA. She is on hands and knees, rocking back and forth. WADE leans into frame from behind. WADE Happy Chinese New Year's... VANESSA (smiles) Year of the Dog. They go at it even harder. SMASH CUT TO: The same exact locked-off medium shot, only WADE is now on hands and knees. His expression betrays great stress. VANESSA leans into frame from behind. VANESSA (CONT'D) Relax... Happy International Women's Day... Wade girds himself, then lets out a surprised, WHIMPERY YELP as some pioneering object journeys into his virgin lands. CUT TO: WADE in bed, legs wrapped around VANESSA's neck, being orally pleasured. (CONTINUED) 31. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 17 CONTINUED: 17 WADE Happy Fourth of July! We see FIREWORKS through the skylight above. CUT TO: WADE sitting in an arm-chair, fully dressed, reading glasses on, purusing a book. VANESSA is reading in a chair opposite, also wearing reading glasses. VANESSA Happy Yom Kippur... (ALT:) Happy Cesar Chavez Day... (ALT:) Happy Lent... (ALT:) Happy Lyme Disease Awareness Day... (ALT:) Happy Wednesday... CUT TO: VANESSA in bed where Wade last was. Now her legs are wrapped around HIS neck, and he's pleasuring her. WADE (muffled) Happy Halloween... VANESSA Oo... ow... WADE (muffled) Sorry. (takes out Vampire teeth) Happy Halloween... Wade goes back to work. CUT TO: WADE and VANESSA banging it out one last time, missionary style. VANESSA Happy Thanksgiving. (ALT:) Happy Wednesday. (CONTINUED) 32. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 17 CONTINUED: (2) 17 Cut WIDE to reveal that they're on top of the KITCHEN TABLE during THANKSGIVING DINNER. Wine spills, cranberry sauce topples, mashed potatoes launch. ALT: BREAKFAST FOOD INSTEAD. Nothing takes away from the joy of the moment. 18 INT. WADE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - PAST 18 A CHRISTMAS WREATH hangs on Wade's wall. WADE (O.S.) If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas... WADE strikes a pose, HANDS on HIPS, wearing an AWFUL, AWFUL CHRISTMAS SWEATER. And NO PANTS. VANESSA sits against the bed's HEADBOARD, SHEET pulled over her, up to her chin. She quickly lowers the sheet. Revealing an APPALLING CHRISTMAS SWEATER of her own. WADE (CONT'D) ...can I visit you between the holidays? VANESSA Y'know, red's your color. Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. Christmas gift! Catch! Vanessa tosses something to Wade. It lands in his hands. WADE Holy fucking shit. It's the nickel-silver-plated Voltron RING, all three hundred thousand tickets worth. VANESSA Limited edition. I had to give the kid behind the counter a rub and tug. I'm kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm kidding. It was nearly five full months of Skeeball. WADE (beams) Y'know, I've been doing some thinking... VANESSA Really. (CONTINUED) 33. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 18 CONTINUED: 18 WADE ...about why we're so good together. VANESSA Why's that? WADE Your crazy matches my crazy. We're like two jigsaw pieces... weird curvy edges... but fit us together, you can see the picture on top. Wade plants a kiss on Vanessa. She sits up on her knees. VANESSA Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, only `cause you haven't gotten around to asking me- (pregnant pause) Wade, will you- VANESSA (CONT'D) WADE Stick it in my-? Marry me? VANESSA Uhh... jinx? Wade reaches back and pulls out an ENGAGEMENT-RING-LIKE BOX. Vanessa can barely contain her excitement. VANESSA (CONT'D) You're not wearing pants. Where exactly were you hiding that? A vulnerable Wade hands her the box and stands there with the look of... `Open it. Open it!' WADE They say one month's salary. Vanessa opens the box... to reveal a CANDY RING. WADE (CONT'D) Slow month. I've been waiting for this day like Boss Hogg waits to get to the crazy cheesy crust... VANESSA You mean-? WADE I do. (CONTINUED) 34. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 18 CONTINUED: (2) 18 VANESSA That's my line. I love you, Wade Wilson. WADE Thought you charged extra for that. VANESSA I did. At my old job. WADE So that's a-? Vanessa stares. Swallows. Pulls him back into bed and WHISPERS ONE SILENT WORD into his ear ('Yes'). Wade jumps up and DANCES around the room all goofy, POP, LOCK, & ROBOT. VANESSA Easy. I can take it back. Wade dives back into bed, SPOONS with Vanessa, wrapping her in his ARMS, touching his cheek to hers. WADE What if I never let go? VANESSA Just rode a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke? WADE (contented sigh) `Star Wars' jokes?! VANESSA (corrects) `Empire.' WADE It's like I made you in a computer. Wade swoons, reaches, grabs a POLAROID CAMERA off his night- stand, and holds it at arm's length. WADE (CONT'D) (Yoda voice) Cheese, say! The flash POPS. For this one moment, his life is... WADE (CONT'D) Perfect. Wade hands Vanessa the photo. Then... (CONTINUED) 35. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 18 CONTINUED: (3) 18 WADE (CONT'D) Wee break. ...bounces up to go to the BATHROOM. Vanessa gazes at the photo, which is already FADING IN. Wade notices. WADE (CONT'D) Shake it like a- Uh. You get it. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return... Wade peels off his Christmas sweater... and STEPS CONFIDENTLY BACK TOWARD THE BED. But before he gets there... DEADPOOL (V.O.) ...to our regularly scheduled program. ...HE PASSES OUT, FACE-PLANTING ONTO THE FLOOR. 19 INT. ONCOLOGY WARD - DAY - PAST 19 WADE is sitting in a doctor's office, VANESSA by his side, opposite a solemn ONCOLOGIST. Every image suggests BAD NEWS: A COMPLEX looking MRI IMAGE of the CIRCULATORY SYSTEM on a BACKLIT VIEWING TABLE. SWEAT STAINS under Wade's arms. Vanessa GRIPPING his hand. The LOOK on the DOCTOR's FACE. WADE You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns. DOCTOR People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. Wade and Vanessa turn and share a devastated but loving look. VANESSA (to doctor, springs into action) So what do we do? Surely there's something... we can... do. I mean, my uncle, he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and there was this new experimental drug that- (CONTINUED) 36. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 19 CONTINUED: 19 The VOLUME of Vanessa's voice FADES until we can SEE her talking but no longer hear the words: DEADPOOL (V.O.) See, people do react differently. Vanessa's already working on Plan A. B. All the way to Z. Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. Or the last. DOCTOR (O.S.) Mr. Wilson? DEADPOOL (V.O.) Believe it or not, this is only the ninth shittiest thing that's ever happened to me. DOCTOR (O.S.) Mr. Wilson? DEADPOOL (V.O.) Stick around. Number 6 is coming right up. DOCTOR Take your time to process this. 20 EXT. FREEWAY - DAY 20 DEADPOOL HAS AJAX PINNED TO THE FREEWAY RAIL. DEADPOOL You know how many people I've killed to find you? AJAX Actually, I do. DEADPOOL So you're aware I've been waiting a long, long time for this. And now I'm finally gonna... (ALT:) So you're aware of the category 5 fuck- storm that's coming. (ALT:) Then you know what's coming. I'm about to do to you what Sugar Ray did to the mid-nineties. A massive SHADOW passes over AJAX and DEADPOOL, accompanied by LOUD METALLIC FOOTSTEPS. Ajax looks up, a bit awed. (CONTINUED) 37. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 20 CONTINUED: 20 Deadpool senses something, reaches back with one hand, feels... ...what turns out to be Colossus's METALLIC CROTCH. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Dad? COLOSSUS GRABS Deadpool's WRIST, CHUCKS him THROUGH the AIR, ASS OVER TEAKETTLE. 21 INT. WADE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - LATER - PAST 21 A CLOSE-UP of a Deadpool ACTION FIGURE from `X-Men Origins.' Mouth sewn shut. Blades implanted into wrists. In the exact same POSE we just saw the real Deadpool. Sitting in a nightstand DRAWER in Wade's apartment. WADE (O.S.) This is my most prized possession. Wade looks like he's reaching into the drawer for the action figure, but instead, reaches just UNDER it to grasp Wham!'s `Make it Big' album on Vinyl. He pulls out the album. VANESSA Wham? WADE Wham! (cradles album lovingly) `Make it Big' was the album George and Andy earned their exclamation point. Wade places the album carefully into one of two OPEN SUITCASES on the floor next to him. He is currently going through his possessions, TOSSING OUT the crap and placing the good stuff into the suitcases. Wade pulls out the action figure. WADE (CONT'D) But this. A little piece of me died the day this came out... Wade DUNKS the action figure in the trash can. VANESSA stands opposite, arms crossed, FUMING. VANESSA So I'm s'posed to just... smile and wave you out the door? (CONTINUED) 38. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 21 CONTINUED: 21 WADE Think of it as a spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. (pulls out BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE) If I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. (opens purse, it's full of nickels) Looks like I do. Wade TOSSES the purse toward one of the suitcases. Vanessa's hand stabs out and GRABS it. VANESSA Bernadette's not going anywhere. (slam-dunks purse back into drawer) `Cause you're not going anywhere. WADE Right! The tumors are only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things you can live without. VANESSA You know what I mean. You belong here at home. Surrounded by your Voltron... and your Bernadette... and your me. WADE Babe, we've been through this! Cancer's a real shit-show. A Yakov-Smirnoff- opening-for-the-Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa- State-Fair shit-show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me me. VANESSA Well, I want to remember us us. (that doesn't sound right) We we? WADE I swear, I'll find you in the next life. And boom-box `Careless Whisper' under your window. Wham! VANESSA Are you gonna keep saying it like that? Look, I get this impulse. I do. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 39. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 21 CONTINUED: (2) 21 VANESSA (CONT'D) Before I met you, I used to fantasize about dying alone in the woods, torn apart by wolves. WADE Super fucking bad-ass. VANESSA But that was then, and this is now. Walk out that door. I dare you. I will ride you out. And I won't let go. Yoda on Luke. Vanessa embraces Wade. Tight. Won't let go. A TEAR trickles down Vanessa's CHEEK. VANESSA (CONT'D) (into Wade's ear) If you're willing to fight. There are still options. We'll find them. Together. WADE (smiles) I just realized! I win! My life's officially more fucked-up than yours. VANESSA No one's boom-boxing shit. Vanessa interlaces her pinkie with Wade's. Smiles. VANESSA (CONT'D) What do we we have to lose? WADE Nothing. Everything. Vanessa leans in, and the two start to KISS. 22 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - PAST 22 VANESSA, horizontal, limbs akimbo, ASLEEP in bed. She stirs, feels next to her for Wade. He's NOT THERE. REVEAL WADE standing at the bedroom window. His P.O.V. of the moon makes it look FRACTURED by the cracked glass. RACK FOCUS to Vanessa's REFLECTION. She, too, looks fractured. Wade's eyes well with TEARS at the sight of her. Cancer will steal the one thing that ever mattered. Vanessa's cracked reflection suddenly RAISES its HEAD. (CONTINUED) 40. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 22 CONTINUED: 22 WADE Sorry. Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter, and he just wasn't having it. Wade slides back into bed. WADE (CONT'D) They've made three of those movies. At some point you wonder if he's just a bad parent. Wade lies on his back. Vanessa nestles her head lovingly against his chest. He takes a vulnerable look at her, then stares at the ceiling, LOST. RS22 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT RS22 Wade slips quietly out of bed... ...slips on a hoodie and a backpack... ...opens the door... takes one last longing look at Vanessa... ...and slips into the hallway, closing the door behind him. Vanessa is left to feel for Wade in the dark. A22 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A22 WADE walks down the street into the night. He pulls a crumpled card from his jacket pocket: the black card with the recruiter's number. Still walking, Wade pulls out a cellphone and dials. 23 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT - PAST 23 Just another night at SISTER MARGARET'S WAYWARD SCHOOL FOR GIRLS. Regular crowd has shuffled in. Tonight, a bit thin. WADE is bellied up to the bar, disheveled, unkempt, and distraught. WEASEL leans in: WEASEL Jesus. Someone needs a blow-job and a shower. Though courtesy calls for the latter first. (CONTINUED) 41. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 23 CONTINUED: 23 WADE Three shots of Patron Silver, Weez. And a cure to terminal cancer. WEASEL (hands over a green concoction) Fresh out of Patron. Wheatgrass? WADE You're starting to sound like Vanessa... With SHAKY HANDS, Wade empties his POCKETS, placing CRUMPLED BROCHURES on the bar. WADE (CONT'D) She sent away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I hear Chechnya's nice this time of... never. Then there's China... Central Mexico... Know how they say `Cancer' in Spanish? ¡El Cáncer.' Wade pulls out one last thing from his pockets: A POLAROID of HIMSELF and VANESSA. He stares. Weasel notices. WEASEL This belongs on the wall. I want to remember you when you looked... alive. Wade scrapes up a smile as Weasel tapes the picture to the BIG BAR MIRROR. Weasel pours a second wheatgrass shot. Clinks Wade's glass. They throw them back. WINCE. WEASEL (CONT'D) Almost forgot... Weasel slides Wade a distinctive black BUSINESS CARD across the bartop. WEASEL (CONT'D) Guy came in asking for you. Real Grim Reaper type. Wade's gaze follows Weasel's gesture across the barroom, where an ominous MAN in a BLACK SUIT sits ALONE at a table. WEASEL (CONT'D) I don't know? May further the plot? CUT TO: 42. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 23A INT. SISTER'S MARGARET'S - NIGHT - PAST 23A WADE dead-man-walks to the back of the bar. He passes BOOTHE and BEEF on his way. They nod solemnly, like cops at a funeral procession honoring one of their own. BEEF Wade. Beef offers Wade his shot. Wade eeks out a smile. Throws it back. Then continues on. Wade stops next to the MAN's TABLE. WADE Forget your scythe? The man, even creepier from close up, SMILES. RECRUITER Mr. Wilson. Have a seat. (Wade sits, long pause) I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. WADE Stalker alert. RECRUITER It's my job. Recruitment. And you have quite a reputation. I'm sorry you've had a tough go. But you're a fighter. And not just for Johnny Canuck, impressive as your stint in special forces was. Forty- one confirmed kills? WADE (bitter) One every seven weeks. Same rate most folks get a hair-cut. Wade grabs the recruiter's drink and throws it back. WADE (CONT'D) To wash the taste out. It's hard to forget being so... impressive. RECRUITER Now you spend your days sticking up for the little man, slitting small time throats for small time folks. WADE People change. (CONTINUED) 43. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 23A CONTINUED: 23A The recruiter leans uncomfortably close. RECRUITER (low, conspiratorial) Speaking of which... Mr. Wilson, I represent an organization that may be able to help. What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? WADE I'd say you sound like an infomercial. And not a good infomercial, like Slap Chop. More Shake-Weighty. (jack-off motion) RECRUITER The world needs extraordinary men. We won't just make you better. We'll make you better than better. A super-hero. WADE I already tried the hero business. Let's just say it left a mark. The only chance you'll see me again is if I hit `fuck- it.' 24 EXT./INT. GUADALAJARAN CLINIC WAITING ROOM - DAY - PAST 24 A DILAPIDATED, SKETCHY MEDICAL `CLINIC' haunts the cityscape in GUADALAJARA, MEXICO. WADE (V.O.) For now, I'll get through this with the one I love. A sickly-looking WADE is on the final stop in his futile quest to find a cure. DESPERATE. Among the MOST DESPERATE. He sits in a pathetic muzak-filled WAITING ROOM. Wearing a SOMBRERO and clutching VANESSA's hand. Her fingers are interlaced in his, once perfectly manicured nails chewed to the quick. Vanessa is also wearing a SOMBRERO, and ANXIETY on her face. Wade COUGHS SEVERELY, REPEATEDLY into a HANDKERCHIEF. Wade turns to the sweet ELDERLY COUPLE sitting next to him, ekes out a smile. The old man plays with some WORRY BEADS. (CONTINUED) 44. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 24 CONTINUED: 24 WADE (pulls out Spanish-English electronic translator) De donde eres? ELDERLY WOMAN Boca Raton. WADE Ah. The fancy part of Mexico. ELDERLY MAN We've moved in with my son. To afford the treatment. Wade looks pained to hear this. WADE Cancer? Sorry - ¿El Cáncer? ELDERLY MAN Stage four. WADE Toughest part of the Tour de France. VANESSA Very hilly. The elderly man gestures to the souvenir PATCHES sewn onto Wade's `HELLO KITTY' DUFFEL: CHECHNYA. CHINA. INDONESIA. ELDERLY MAN Logging some frequent flier miles? WADE (bone-weary) Final stop on Desperation World Tour, 2016, which I believe was also the name of the Stones' last concert... VANESSA `Final' because this is where we find the cure. A MOTHER and her stoic young SON sign in with the NURSE behind the front desk. The boy has lost all his HAIR. NURSE No cheques de viajero. No pesos. Cash. Americano. (CONTINUED) 45. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 24 CONTINUED: (2) 24 Wade grows upset as the mother counts out hard-earned CASH. The boy reaches for a BOX filled with CHUPACHUPS (lollipops). The nurse scolds: NURSE (CONT'D) Chupachups cuestan extra! WADE (O.S.) (angry) Hey! The nurse looks coldly at Wade. He stares back, eyes hard, then gets up and lays a crumpled dollar on the counter. WADE (CONT'D) (ice cold) It's on me. The nurse blinks, then stands, checking a CHART. NURSE Señor... Abe Solomon? ABE and his WIFE get up. The nurse motions for Mrs. Solomon to stay in the waiting room. ABE (to Wade and Vanessa) Handsome couple. Good luck to you two. Abe drops his WORRY BEADS. Wade bends to retrieve them, then stands with effort and gently hands them to Abe. WADE Good luck to you, Pops. Wade sits back down, and his eyes find the LITTLE BOY: his SUNKEN EYES. His MISSING HAIR. His LOLLIPOP, CLUTCHED like the richest treasure. Wade turns to look at Vanessa, who's also staring at the boy. Even though Vanessa is healthy, she, too, looks sick. No makeup. Dirty hair. Dark circles under her eyes. When she looks at Wade, it's clear she, not he, most needs comfort. Wade pulls Vanessa close and strokes her hair with a trembling hand. Abe disappears. Wade watches with a newly dark look of suspicion. 46. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 25 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY - PAST 25 ABE lies shirtless on an UNSANITARY operating table, a tray of RUSTY surgical KNIVES nearby. A MAN with a pock-marked face stands over him in a white lab coat with blue-stitched cursive writing: `Dr. Delgado.' DOCTOR Buenos días, Señor Abe. `Doctor' Delgado pokes and prods with his fingers, as if Abe's mid-section is Play-Doh. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Voy a llegar dentro de tu cuerpo. ABE I'm sorry. No hablo español, doc. The doctor's other hand dips below the table, comes up dripping with something bloody. He kneeds at wrinkled skin smearing the CHICKEN BLOOD across Abe's flesh. DOCTOR De que se cure! Señor Abe, you are cured. The doctor holds SMELLING SALTS under Abe's nose. His closed eyes jerk open to see the doctor's gloved hand CLUTCHING a huge, bloody `TUMOR.' Abe pushes himself up, peers down at his bloody abdomen with awe. The doctor wipes the blood away and helps him up. ABE (tearing up) Thank you. I owe you my life. As Abe shuffles out, the doctor turns away to dump the `tumor' in the trash and wash his bloody hands in a basin. DOCTOR (over his shoulder) ¡Proximo! Next! WADE (O.S.) Already here, hombre. Dr. Delgado nearly JUMPS at the sight of WADE, already standing in the OPEN DOOR of the room, looking DANGEROUS. (CONTINUED) 47. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 25 CONTINUED: 25 DOCTOR So sorry, you surprise me. How... long... you standing there, Señor? Wade walks slowly TOWARD the doctor, who steps out nervously from BEHIND his table. The two stand face-to-face. Wade smiles... angles his foot UNDER the OPERATING TABLE... ...and uses it to SLIDE something out from underneath the table: a BUCKET of BLOODY CHICKEN GIZZARDS that double as removed `tumors.' Wade's RAGE seems to grow by the INSTANT. WADE Long enough... Delgado senses he is suddenly in danger, picks up a rusty SCALPEL from his tray. Wade moves toward him. Delgado LUNGES, He STABS WADE in the shoulder, then RUNS. Wade TACKLES him. In Wade's weakened state, the fight becomes an intense STRUGGLE. The two FALL and WRESTLE. The BUCKET of GIZZARDS overturns. They roll around in slop. The doctor squirms out of Wade's grasp and crawls into the hallway. Wade wriggles after him, tugging at his ankle. 26 INT. WAITING ROOM / HALLWAY - SUNSET - PAST 26 The MUZAC still plays. VANESSA smiles warmly/sadly at the little BOY, who is unwrapping his CHUPACHUP. Suddenly... a SCREAM and cries for help in Spanish. The NURSE and an ALARMED VANESSA rush toward the shouting. 27 INT. HALLWAY - SUNSET - PAST 27 At last, WADE's fury has overcome his physical weakness. He straddles the DOCTOR's CHEST. His expression is that of a man who's LOSING his SHIT. Wade RAISES THE SCALPEL, SLASHES at the doctor's throat, then STABS him in the heart. The doctor writhes, spasms, gurgles, and falls still. Chest heaving, Wade raises his head to see... at the FAR END of the HALL: VANESSA - frozen, TERRIFIED. A blood-soaked Wade locks eyes with her and swims back up into SANITY... `What have I done?' This is a horrific glimpse into Wade's murderous past... ...and the look on Vanessa's face is one of HORROR and PAIN. (CONTINUED) 48. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 27 CONTINUED: 27 Awash in shame, Wade staggers to his feet, slips on chicken blood, and LUNGES in the other direction. He hits the door at the end of the hall at a RUN. 28 STAB! 28 The sword, covered in BLOOD, penetrates the crayon drawing of the recruiter on DEADPOOL's CORKBOARD. DEADPOOL Thank you, Agent Smith. Deadpool lasers in on AJAX's picture at the top of the pyramid. 29 EXT. GUADALAJARA STREET - SUNSET - PAST 29 WADE leans against a wall, gasping for breath. He looks back toward her voice, face a mask of pain. Instead of seeking her... he melts into the busy street. 30 EXT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY 30 DEADPOOL trudges to his FRONT DOOR. He speaks to the AUDIENCE: DEADPOOL Some kind of anger can't be managed. Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! That said... when it comes time to licking wounds... there's no place like home, and I share that home with someone you met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. She's like Robin to my Batman. Except she's old. And black. And blind. POPS INSIDE DEADPOOL (V.O.) And I think she loves me. Wait... pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 31 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 31 WADE, ghastly, nearing death, lies BACK onto a STRETCHER, covered only by a FLIMSY HOSPITAL GOWN. He's being wheeled down a dim corridor by two tough-looking ORDERLIES. In one hand, he holds the recruiter's crumpled BUSINESS CARD. In the other, he clutches the limited edition VOLTRON RING, as tight as his shaky hand allows. (CONTINUED) 49. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 31 CONTINUED: 31 They turn a corner and push through a pair of double doors into a cavernous room. Wade looks around, full of hope for a new life. Immediately, every single thing he sees/hears begins to erode his confidence. The RECRUITER stands just inside the doors, smiling. RECRUITER (O.S.) Mr. Wilson! Nothing warms my heart like a change of someone else's. Walking into Wade's P.O.V. is the creepy RECRUITER. He beams down on Wade. RECRUITER (CONT'D) You finally hit `fuck-it.' WADE Worse. Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else. RECRUITER Of course. WADE Oh, and please don't make my super suit green. Or animated. RECRUITER I hope you enjoy your stay. The `Workshop,' as this old warehouse is affectionately called, has been converted into a working LABORATORY. Wade is wheeled through a vast room containing rows of individual `tents,' each containing a SUBJECT. Wade's eyes DART to helpless SILHOUETTES. We hear WHISPERS, WHIMPERS, MOANS. A FELLOW PATIENT, a pathetic, terrified little man named CUNNINGHAM, is wheeled past Wade, restrained on another STRETCHER. Cunningham briefly locks eyes with Wade, but quickly moves on by. Wade can't help but be alarmed by the TERROR in Cunningham's eyes. The tents are illuminated by BLINDING overhead lights. Wade spies GRUESOMELY INTIMIDATING MEDICAL EQUIPMENT. Wade is wheeled into the tent that's his new home. The FIGURE who was pushing Wade DUMPS him onto a CHROME OPERATING TABLE and roughly STRAPS him down. (CONTINUED) 50. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 31 CONTINUED: (2) 31 WADE Um. My first request? A warmer table. (shivers) And warmer hands. Wade DOUBLE-TAKES at the sight of the figure above him: ANGEL DUST - thirties, female, tall, sexy, athletic - an Amazonian warrior in another age. Angel Dust wheels over a high-tech I.V. DRIP, complete with glass cylindrical tanks housing a glowing, viscous LIQUID. Then she roughly straps Wade's NECK to the table. Wade nearly GASPS, the color now officially drained from his face. WADE (CONT'D) Easy! Aren't you a little strong for a lady? I'm calling wang. ANGEL DUST You'd like that, huh. Welcome to our little hospital. WADE It doesn't look like a hospital. It looks like Chlamydia holding still. An UNLIT MATCHSTICK protrudes from Angel Dust's teeth - her idea of a TOOTHPICK. WADE (CONT'D) Oral fixation? ANGEL DUST Shut. The fuck. Up. Angel Dust places a FINGER on Wade's FOREHEAD and SHOVES his head back against the table - BANG - pinning it there. AJAX (O.S.) Patience, Angel. All in good time. Enter AJAX, whom we know as the PRISONER from the RAFT with whom we've seen Deadpool tangle in the PRESENT. This is the first Ajax and Wade have met. WADE Can I expect turndown serv-? Ajax nods to Angel Dust. BOOM! She GAGS Wade with SURGICAL TUBING, then wraps it around the TABLE, immobilizing his head. (CONTINUED) 51. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 31 CONTINUED: (3) 31 AJAX You're a talker. Wade's eyes are wider than ever. WTF? AJAX (CONT'D) (disarmingly matter-of-fact) Mr. Wilson, my name is Ajax. I manage the Workshop. My `welcome' speech used to be full of euphemisms like `You may feel some discomfort.' But I've grown blunt. Ajax unsheathes an I.V. NEEDLE. Angel Dust up-tilts the table 45 degrees, then readies a holographic monitor. AJAX (CONT'D) The Workshop is not a government program. It's a private institution tasked with turning reclamation projects like yourself into men of extraordinary abilities. I'm about to remake your life. But if you think cancer cures painlessly, you're wrong. If you think super-human powers are acquired painlessly, you're wrong. Ajax touches Wade with the I.V. NEEDLE, pressing here and there, not QUITE hard enough to break skin. At last, he locates the subclavian vein. Wade flinches. AJAX (CONT'D) We're injecting you with a serum that activates mutant genes. For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme stress. The liquid glows FLUORESCENT through Wade's white skin as it pumps into the pulmonary highway. AJAX (CONT'D) You've heard the whole make-an-omelette, break-some-eggs bit? (Wade blinks) I'm about to hurt you, Wade. The kind of hurt I can't describe and you can't prepare for. It's cruel stuff. And there's no way out for you. No secret you can tell me. No soft spot in me to appeal to. Wade stares at them in shock. (CONTINUED) 52. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 31 CONTINUED: (4) 31 ANGEL DUST What, you expected Weapon X? Ajax starts to TURN AWAY, but stops. AJAX One more thing. What's the ad? `I'm not just the president. I'm a client?' I've been through this procedure myself. It made me stronger. It also scorched my nerve endings. So I no longer feel pain. In fact... (smiles) I no longer feel anything. Wade reacts by SAYING something - made UNINTELLIGIBLE by the surgical tubing. Ajax nods to Angel Dust, who slices the SURGICAL TUBING, SNAPPING it away and FREEING Wade to TALK. WADE Something in your teeth. Ajax smiles WITHOUT opening his mouth, signals Angel Dust. She slams Wade's head back again as he turns to leave. Before he exits, Ajax hesitates, can't help but check his teeth in one of the surgical mirrors. WADE (O.S.) (CONT'D) Made you look! Hey, is Ajax your real name? `Cause it sounds suspiciously made up. What's it really? Steve? Mark? Trevor? Kyle? (E.T. voice) Elliot? We hear LAUGHS from nearby tents. Wade is now playing for an audience. AJAX Joke away. The one thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. WADE We'll see! AJAX (to Angel Dust) All yours. We re-take WADE'S P.O.V. as Angel Dust, chewing her matchstick, re-enters frame above him, smiles, then punches him in the face. Black. 53. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 32 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT/DAY - MONTAGE - PAST 32 A MONTAGE of Wade's treatments in the Workshop, set to the notes of JOHN DENVER's inspirational classic, `I WANT TO LIVE.' Juxtaposed with HARROWING VIGNETTES of Angel Dust and AJAX experimenting on WADE... ...as he GASPS, CLAWS, SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. Wade is DUNKED into thick, molasses-like LIQUID. PULLED and YANKED, POKED and PRODDED by contraptions that would have shamed the Spanish Inquisition. SAWED. COMPRESSED. SLICED. DICED. SLAP-CHOPPED. BLED. LONG SYRINGES PLUNGE DEEP INTO SOFT TISSUE. SCALPELS MAKE LONG INCISIONS. ENDOSCOPIC CAMERAS TRAVEL THROUGH THE BODY, REVEALING THE DIRTY WORK OF INVASIVE SURGICAL EQUIPMENT. STAPLE-GUNS DRIVE STAPLES INTO SLICED SKIN TO PULL IT BACK TOGETHER. MINIATURE CIRCULAR SAWS SLICE THROUGH BONE. IV's PULL FLUIDS FROM THE BODY AND INSERT OTHER FLUIDS IN. JOHN DENVER I want to share what I can give. I want to be... I want to live! We also see SHORT, ULTRA-FAST MINI-MONTAGES of medical instruments, implying the PASSAGE of TIME. 32AA INT. WORKSHOP - MONTAGE - NIGHT 32AA Over images of: INJECTION: AJAX (V.O.) The serum I'm injecting you with targets any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. TORTURE: AJAX (V.O.) Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we must subject you to extreme stress. (CONTINUED) 54. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 32AA CONTINUED: 32AA AJAX (V.O.) If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. AJAX (V.O.) If not, we'll have no choice but to keep hurting you in new and different ways. Each more painful than the last. 32AA INT. WORKSHOP - DAY 32AA AJAX Until you finally mutate. Or die. 33 INT. WORKSHOP - WADE'S TENT / WORM'S TENT - NIGHT 33 At last, Wade is laid back down on his table, only now in QUIET DARKNESS, MEEK, WITHOUT ANY RESISTANCE whatever. CUNNINGHAM (O.S.) Puppies. In the tent NEXT to Wade, CUNNINGHAM holds up his FIST to the fabric. Wade can see it through the cloth in SILHOUETTE. CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D) It helps picturing puppies. Wade gives Cunningham a KNUCKLE BUMP through the fabric. WADE Puppies. CUNNINGHAM Or kittens. If you swing that way. WADE (chuckles) I swing both ways. Wade swallows hard, grows serious: WADE (CONT'D) But me, I've been making a list of things I still plan to do. CUNNINGHAM A bucket list? (CONTINUED) 55. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 33 CONTINUED: 33 WADE I prefer fuck-it list: Naked tandem base- jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs... Sparking up a spliff with the Olympic torch... CUNNINGHAM Finishing my Lego Millenium Falcon... WADE Giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch oven... CUNNINGHAM Making my kids banana pancakes... AJAX (O.S.) With the mouse ears? Creative, and delicious. AJAX and ANGEL DUST enter CUNNINGHAM's tent and begin prepping him for a fresh round of torture. AJAX (CONT'D) It's OK, I encourage distractions. Can't have you giving up on us, can we now, you little worm? Suddenly, a VOICE calls out from the adjacent tent: WADE (O.S.) Don't take that shit, Cunningham! How tough can he be? Name like Francis. Ajax is very subtly SURPRISED. WHAT did Wade just say? WADE is still strapped down inside. Talking nice and LOUD: WADE (CONT'D) That's right! He got `Ajax' off a dish- washing liquid! (laughs from nearby tents) Legal name's Francis. F-R-A-N-C-I-oops. Ajax has ENTERED Wade's tent. Ajax's expression tells us all we need to know about the validity of Wade's claim. With as much freedom of motion as he has in one hand, Wade WAVES a STUB of PAPER at Francis. WADE (CONT'D) Dry-cleaning tag, Francis. Snagged it off your lab coat. (beat) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 56. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 33 CONTINUED: (2) 33 WADE (CONT'D) FYI. I may be able to get you the super- hero discount. CLOSE-UP on the tag, which reads `FREEMAN, FRANCIS.' Ajax stares hard at Wade with menacing eyes. AJAX You are so relentlessly annoying. Shut the fuck up, or I'll sew that pretty mouth shut. WADE Uh, I wouldn't do that. Here's the problem with round-the-clock torture. You can't really step it up from there. AJAX Is that what you think? WADE Yeah. Francis. That's what I think. 34 OMITTED 34 V35 EXT/INT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS V35 35 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 35 Two ORDERLIES and ANGEL DUST finish strapping Wade down and attaching ELECTRODES to his head and chest. Wade is BOUND to a HOSPITAL BED that's ENCASED in a large CAPSULE of PLEXIGLAS. The top half of the capsule is hinged to one side, OPEN, allowing Angel Dust access to Wade. Ajax sits eating a meal from some Tupperware in a nearby chair. AJAX Seems your genes are as stubborn as you. But we can still increase your suffering. We don't even have a name for this next toy. Various WIRES and TUBES run out of the capsule, connected to OXYGEN TANKS, DIALS, and a MONITOR tracking BRAIN and HEART. AJAX (CONT'D) We reduce the oxygen in the air to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 57. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 35 CONTINUED: 35 AJAX (CONT'D) If you start to pass out, and your brain waves slow, we turn up the O2. If you catch your breath, and your heart rate slows, we turn it back down. And we leave you. Right. There. WADE Um. What? AJAX Waterboarding is the most severe stress known to man. This device prolongs that stress. For hours, days, weeks... Angel Dust chews her match and TAPS the capsule with a FINGER. ANGEL DUST Or if you keep yapping, years... WADE And I thought you were dicks before this. AJAX The saddest part? You still think we're making you a super-hero. You. Dishonorable discharge. Beating up pizza guys. Hip deep in hookers. You're nothing. I'd call you an asshole, but I'd have to answer to assholes. Little secret, Wade. The Workshop doesn't make super-heroes. It makes super-slaves. We're gonna fit you for a control collar and auction you to the highest bidder. (finishes meal, gets up) Who knows what they'll force you to do. Put down freedom fighters. Murder innocents. Or maybe just mow a lawn or two. ANGEL DUST There's a brave face. Ajax goes to close the lid. WADE Seriously. Now you do have something in your teeth. AJAX Enjoy the weekend! (CONTINUED) 58. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 35 CONTINUED: (2) 35 Ajax swings the capsule CLOSED and LOCKS it. The sound leaks away until all that's left is a HISSING SOUND as AJAX hits BUTTONS to lower O2 LEVELS. Wade's voice drops out as his breathing suddenly grows SHORT and SHALLOW. The oxygen dials fall. His HEART-RATE SOARS. ANGEL DUST (chuckles) He looks like a turd in a punch-bowl. AJAX (bright idea) The `Punch-Bowl!' Wade fights off panic. His breaths become desperate GASPS. There's not enough air to talk, or even SCREAM. DISSOLVE TO: 35A INT. WORKSHOP TENT - LATER 35A Night. Eerily DARK, SILENT. An extreme CLOSE-UP of Wade's hand, nails clenched into the surface of whatever he's lying on. Is his skin... actually BUBBLING? Two MEN enter the tent and stand over the PUNCH-BOWL. CLICK. One of the men turns on a surgical light overhead, revealing himself to be a KINDLY-looking DOCTOR, avuncular, thick glasses. Next to him is an ORDERLY. The doctor peers through the Punch-Bowl's lid. He is SURPRISED by what he sees. He nods to the orderly: `Go on, hurry.' The orderly quickly unlocks and unlatches the lid, then swings it OPEN. Air RUSHES INTO the PUNCH-BOWL. The orderly steps away, leaving the doctor alone in the room. WADE, hidden in darkness, gasps as though surfacing after being held underwater. The doctor casts a SHADOW over WADE's face inside. The doctor is FASCINATED, ENLIVENED. DOCTOR Mr. Wilson... these results are remarkable. Wade takes deep LUNGS-FUL of AIR. (CONTINUED) 59. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 35A CONTINUED: 35A DOCTOR (CONT'D) Your cancer cells are more aggressive than ever. Dividing and metastasizing at a fantastic rate. WADE (broken, breathless) Yippee. DOCTOR But... the cells have inalterably changed. They're no longer destructive, but productive, selectively targeting and replacing damaged tissue. WADE That was a lot of... what's the word... syllables. Are you saying I'm better? DOCTOR Better than better. A miracle. WADE (weak smile) My Mom used to call me that. (ALT:) Me and Jesus. (beat, to doctor) Thank you. I owe you my life. Wade grows choked up. The doctor is taken with empathy and affection. He tenderly brushes the hair off Wade's forehead, of which the camera catches the tiniest glimpse. Wade's skin is not RIGHT somehow. DOCTOR There. There. Your journey's been long and difficult. But you've become something extraordinary. Just rest now. Rest. The doctor slowly exits. Wade lies there. Actually relaxes. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Then, just when I thought I could breathe easy... Who appears over the PUNCH-BOWL but... ...AJAX. (CONTINUED) 60. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 35A CONTINUED: (2) 35A AJAX Oo. Someone lost his shot at homecoming king. WADE You f-fucking sadistic- AJAX No. Not fair. Everything I've done to you has been in your best interest. Even this next bit. You may be cured, but you still need to learn to be a better man. Polite. Respectful. What better way to teach you than to close this lid... and keep torturing you stupid. Ajax SLAMS the lid shut, LATCHES and LOCKS it. The hissing resumes. Wade's eyes grow wide. He starts to slip-slide toward absolute ANGUISH. DEADPOOL (V.O.) If you think I'm losing my marbles `cause I can't breathe. You're only half right. Ajax appears to be looking in at Wade. But we RACK FOCUS to reveal he's looking at his REFLECTION in the Plexiglas lid, checking for stuff between his teeth. DEADPOOL (V.O.) See, if Francis was able to see his reflection... The camera SWINGS around to Wade's POINT-OF-VIEW of Ajax through the glass lid, which has been newly ILLUMINATED by the surgical light above... ...and then RACKS FOCUS to WADE's REFLECTED FACE. Covered with HORRIFIC SCARS. Wade is no longer a handsome young man. He is a monster. Which is perfectly visible to him one foot away. DEADPOOL (V.O.) You know what they say. You always remember your first time. Wade throws back his head in a SILENT SCREAM. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Even 5 years later... 61. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 36 EXT./INT. SCRAP-YARD / GROUND - DAY - PRESENT 36 Back in the PRESENT, we find ourselves in a huge SCRAP-YARD, where various ships, planes, etc. are sold for scrap iron. Among various vehicles is an OLD, BATTERED COMBAT CARRIER, long given up for dead. A heavy truck navigates through the heaps of scrap-metal and grinds to a stop in front of the carrier. Two heavyset MEN climb down and head toward the back of the truck, heave the heavy door open. AJAX and ANGEL DUST stand just inside, boxes and gear piled up behind them. They hop down as four more rough-looking men pile out behind them. Angel Dust drags out a WOODEN CRATE. The planks crunch as she digs her fingers into the wood and heaves it up on one burly shoulder as if it weighed no more than a sack of flour. Heavy AMMO peeks through. ANGEL DUST Better to be the hunter than the hunted. Ajax and Angel Dust walk across the muddy yard toward a service elevator bolted to the rusting hulk of the carrier. AJAX Either I kill him, or he kills me. Let's put him out of our misery... VA37 INT. GARBAGE TRUCK - DAY VA37 DEADPOOL lays horizontal. He is speaking to the AUDIENCE: DEADPOOL There... all caught up. He CLIMBS up and out of the GARBAGE TRUCK. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (yells to driver) Thanks for the lift! Apologies if I bled in the recyclables. 37 INT./EXT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 37 A mid-city DUPLEX. Borderline ghetto. Semi-furnished, `first apartment' quality: futons and torchiere lamps. (CONTINUED) 62. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 37 CONTINUED: 37 Stained carpet, currently being swept by a roaming ROOMBA. IKEA... everywhere. The same old AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN we glimpsed early in the movie - late 70's - purple floral dress - sits on a ratty couch, where the typical old woman might KNIT. Instead, this old woman uses a BOX-CUTTER to lay waste to a BIG CARDBOARD BOX from IKEA - the `IVAR SHELVING UNIT.' She lays out its components and tools on a wobbly IKEA NORNAS COFFEE TABLE... ...made more difficult by the fact that she is completely BLIND. This is Deadpool's roommate, BLIND AL. Suddenly, Blind Al's KEEN EAR picks up a faint, distant KNOCKING. She cocks her head to LISTEN. 38 EXT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 38 ANGLE ON THE FRONT YARD: Dirt. No grass. `93 Chevy Avon up on BLOCKS. An exhausted DEADPOOL is slumped against his own front door, red suit, no mask, no right HAND. He is KNOCKING weakly on the door with the SIDE of his HEAD. 39 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 39 ANGLE ON THE LIVING ROOM: BLIND AL stands up in comfy creme nursing shoes. Grabs her red-tipped CANE. And shuffles toward the front door... ...when she is TRIPPED by the ROOMBA. She FACE-PLANTS. DEADPOOL (O.S.) (from outside) Let's get ready to Rooooooomba! BLIND AL (under breath) Ass-hat. Al SWINGS her cane angrily, again and again, trying to hit the robotic vacuum, which moves happily just out of reach. She reaches her knees and stretches for the door when... ...DEADPOOL SPRINGS it open from outside, SLAMMING it into her HEAD. Blind Al goes down again. (CONTINUED) 63. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 39 CONTINUED: 39 DEADPOOL Morning, roomie! (sniffs) This place reeks like old lady pants. BLIND AL (still supine) Yes. I'm old. I wear pants. DEADPOOL But you're no lady. Blind Al struggles to a sitting position. Deadpool walks past her in his socks, drops his muddy BOOTS to the floor and slips into a pair of POWDER-BLUE CROCS parked just inside the door. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) So comfy. BLIND AL Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. DEADPOOL You mean my big rubber masturbatin' shoes? BLIND AL Yes I know. Downside of being blind: I hear everything in this duplex. Deadpool walks bitterly past one wall of the DUPLEX, which is COVERED - WALL-to-WALL, FLOOR-to-CEILING, with CHRISTMAS ADVENT CALENDARS. Tons of ornaments/candies/etc. adorn the calendars. There's not ONE CALENDAR left uncovered. DEADPOOL One-thousand eight-hundred twenty-two ornaments pinned to two-hundred-sixty calendars. All for a `Christmas' that... never... came! BLIND AL Too much naughty, too little nice. DEADPOOL Sit on a stick. DEADPOOL SPLAYS OUT on a white futon, MOANING, nursing his horrifying wound. (CONTINUED) 64. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 39 CONTINUED: (2) 39 BLIND AL Bactine? DEADPOOL (dripping sarcasm) Yeah. Bactine should do it. How's the Kullen coming? IKEA doesn't assemble itself. Blind Al sits back on the ratty couch and begins applying the finishing touches to the shelving unit. BLIND AL You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal. DEADPOOL Anything's an improvement on the Hurdal. I'd have taken a Hemnes... or even a Trysil... over the Hurdal. But I didn't get excited `til I saw the Kullen. BLIND AL Screw please. DEADPOOL Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades for you. BLIND AL You'd be surprised. DEADPOOL And totally grossed out! Blind Al turns the final screw, beyond unenthusiastic. BLIND AL Ta. Dah. The dresser look like the Leaning Tower of Piza in shitty particle board. Deadpool TOSSES a DIRTY MAGAZINE on top. The Kullen COLLAPSES. BLIND AL (CONT'D) I wish I'd never heard of Craig's List. DEADPOOL And I quote: `Looking for roommate. Blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands.' Or wouldya rather I build IKEA and you pay rent? (CONTINUED) 65. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 39 CONTINUED: (3) 39 BLIND AL Why such a douche this morning? DEADPOOL Let's recap. That cock-thistle who turned me into this freak... the one I've been waiting five years for... slipped through my arms today. Arm. Deadpool holds up his previously severed arm, which now has a little tweenage ARM emerging off it. Yes. Deadpool can GROW BACK LIMBS. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Catching him was my only chance to be hot again. Get my super-sexy ex back. And stop the same shit from happening to anyone else. So yeah, things are pretty fucking scrumptious. Deadpool stands. Walks behind the couch, and as he passes the back of Blind Al's head... FARTS. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Hash-tag Drive-by. BLIND AL (to herself) I'm gonna find this `Craig.' And I'm gonna kill him. DEADPOOL Once I've got the cure, I'm gonna do the same to Francis... RS40 INT. WORKSHOP TENT - LATER RS40 WADE, newly scarred, hidden in darkness, continues to GASP as though being held underwater. Then the lid on the punch-bowl SLIDES BACK, revealing AJAX. Wade takes deep LUNGS-FUL of AIR. Ajax leans in for a closer look. AJAX Bloody hell. Someone lost his shot at homecoming king. WADE (can barely speak) What have you done to me?! AJAX You give me too much credit. This... this is the result of your genes. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 66. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 RS40 CONTINUED: RS40 AJAX (CONT'D) The punch bowl merely raised your stress to trigger the mutation. WADE You... sadistic... fuck! AJAX Where's the gratitude?! You're cured! Your mutated cells can heal anything. They're attacking the cancer as fast as it can form. Your insides are a war zone. Not to mention your outsides! Wade looks stunned as he struggles to process all this information. Ajax smiles down. AJAX (CONT'D) I've seen similar side-effects before. I could cure them for you. But really, where's the fun in that? Wade says nothing, hating him but wanting to believe. AJAX (CONT'D) I'm going to close this lid again. Maybe you no longer need it. But I do. For a long moment, Wade stares intensely at Ajax and sees... nothing, a black hole of empathy. And he knows this is a man who will never stop hurting him. *NOTE: We will not be reshooting the rest of the scene below with the exception of the final shot.** So he turns his gaze to the ceiling and WITHDRAWS into himself... the one place the cruelty can no longer reach him. Angel Dust enters, chewing on her usual matchstick. AJAX He's all yours. Angel leans over the Punch-bowl, starts to undo Wade's restraints. ANGEL You smell like shit. When Angel Dust leans close to Wade's head he suddenly comes alive and uses the strength he has left to HEAD-BUTT her in the FOREHEAD. (CONTINUED) 67. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 CONTINUED: AJAX (impressed) Whoa. Angel advances toward Wade. Ajax stops her. AJAX (CONT'D) Hey, hey, alright. It's alright. I think he earned that one, yeah? You take off. Go on... off you go. As Angel Dust EXITS the tent, she reaches to her mouth for her matchstick... only it's not there. She frowns, fishes another match from her pocket, and tucks it between her lips. Ajax finishes strapping Wade back down and goes to close the lid. AJAX (CONT'D) One question. What's my name? Wade remains listless, mouth SHUT. BLINKS. AJAX (CONT'D) Didn't think so. Ajax CLOSES and LOCKS the lid. HISS. The oxygen DIALS FALL. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Sorry, Francis. But my lips are sealed. And then we're inside the punch bowl with Wade as the oxygen levels drop and the suffering rises. Through a fog of misery Wade sees Ajax staring down, watching him, drinking in his pain. 41 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 41 Back in the Punch-Bowl, Wade OPENS his MOUTH... within which he was HIDING a SINGLE MATCHSTICK, clenched carefully - dryly - between his teeth. He inhales... then SPITS OUT the match into his waiting PALM. Finally, he STRIKES it against the side of the Punch Bowl. Wade aims the now FLAMING match toward the tiny HOLE through which OXYGEN flows. The match is quickly burning down. Will it reach the hole before it snuffs out? At the last possible moment... ...the flame COMBUSTS the stream of oxygen, IGNITING it... (CONTINUED) 68. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 41 CONTINUED: 41 ...back through the TRANSPARENT PLASTIC TUBE that trails outside the Punch-Bowl. The flame SNAKES through the tube, this way and that, until it reaches the OXYGEN TANK standing next to the Punch-Bowl. A beat. Then the TANK EXPLODES. The BLOWS APART. The hospital bed SNAPS in TWO. Out in the ward, the FIREBALL curls outward, spreading from TENT to TENT. BOOM! BOOM! Other flammable tanks DETONATE. The tents GO UP like ROMAN CANDLES. It's now MASS CHAOS. ALARMS BLARE. Flames LEAP. Smoke BILLOWS. Patients FLEE. A CURTAIN of FIRE suddenly DISPERSES, replaced by billowy WHITE SMOKE from an OVER-SIZED CHROME FIRE EXTINGUISHER... ...held by AJAX, who STRIDES grimly toward Wade's tent. He throws back the burning fabric... ...and nearly EATS an OXYGEN TANK. He BLOCKS it at the last moment with his FIRE EXTINGUISHER. CLANG. On the other end of the oxygen tank, WIND-MILLING it with unbridled FEROCITY, is WADE. WADE and AJAX SWING the oxygen tank and fire extinguisher like modern day CLUBS, trying to take off each other's heads. CLANG! BANG! BAM! The tanks COLLIDE in mid-air. Ajax's fingers CRUNCH between metal. He doesn't even feel it. Wade grabs the HOSE of Ajax's fire extinguisher, angles it up, and gets his finger on the TRIGGER. The extinguisher BLASTS. Ajax is momentarily BLINDED. Wade brings the oxygen tank down like a LUMBERJACK'S AXE. Ajax BLOCKS it, but is driven to his KNEES. Wade's eyes are lit with fire. DOWN the tank COMES, again and AGAIN. Ajax takes his own fire extinguisher to the CHIN. Then catches a BLOW from the oxygen TANK to his TEMPLE. The extinguisher goes FLYING. Wade swings the OXYGEN TANK AGAIN, but against all odds, AJAX CATCHES it and SLAMS it back into Wade's NOSE. CRUNCH. (CONTINUED) 69. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 41 CONTINUED: (2) 41 Ajax rises to his feet, and the two grip OPPOSITE SIDES of the OXYGEN TANK, GRAPPLING with every ounce of strength. Wade sweeps Ajax's feet and he topples over backwards, Wade on top of him. Wade lifts the heavy tank and slams it into his face. Once. Twice. Three times. CRACK. As he's about to finish the job Ajax smiles, blood bubbling from his smashed lips. AJAX You can't kill me, Wade. I'm the only one who can fix that ugly mug. Wade looks torn as his rage gives way to something like hope. He tosses the tank away. WADE Then time to make me me again. A scream of terror behind Wade makes Wade turn. CUNNINGHAM (O.S.) Wade! Help! Wade! Wade looks through the smoke and flame and spies a helpless Cunningham lying in the flaming wreckage. WADE Fuck! Wade drops Ajax and SPRINTS to Cunningham, starts dragging at the WRECKAGE trapping him, when... SLICE! A long piece of sheared REBAR THRUSTS CLEAN THROUGH his CHEST from BEHIND. The force sends the spear DEEP into the wooden floor beams, pinning Wade like an insect in an entomologist's display. In a grand display of strength, AJAX BENDS the end of the rebar to keep Wade pinned... then walks around and squats down into Wade's eye line, wearing a triumphant sneer. AJAX Say it. `Francis.' Blood dribbles from Wade's mouth as he tries in vain to push himself off the bloody spike of metal. Ajax rises, scans the burning workshop with a scowl - clearly a lost cause - and turns to leave. Cunningham screams again as the flames near him. Grunting with the pain and effort Wade tries to push himself off the spike. (CONTINUED) 70. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 41 CONTINUED: (3) 41 His hands slip on the blood-slick metal, and he cannot free himself. His VOLTRON RING lies on the floor next to him. Wade and Cunningham share a last look. Cunningham clamps his jaws shut, fighting the agony. CREAK... CRACKLE... the ROOF COLLAPSES, BURYING BOTH OF THEM. And we... CUT TO BLACK. FADE UP ON: 42 INT. WORKSHOP - DAY 42 Morning's first sunlight. WADE's VOLTRON RING lies COMPLETELY MELTED in the DEBRIS. The camera follows it to Wade's hand... then up his arm to his FACE. WADE's eyelids flutter, and he COMES TO. He is naked, his hospital gown burned away. We see BLACKENED SLUDGE, SOOT, charred remains. The melted and scorched metal rod next to him. Wade slowly realizes where he is and what happened. He reaches down to his stomach wound... WHICH HAS MIRACULOUSLY HEALED. Wade sits up, stunned. DEADPOOL (V.O.) I didn't just get the cure to El Cáncer. I got the cure to everything. V43 EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING - PAST V43 VANESSA, tired, broken, mind seemingly elsewhere, walks towards her apartment. She passes a loving young COUPLE, arm- in-arm. Vanessa clocks this sadly, continues on. Behind her, PEOPLE walk to and fro. Among them, we REVEAL: WADE, dressed in ill-fitting pants and a hoodie. He is a TRAIN-WRECK, scarred face on display to the world for the first time. He looks purposeful, but tentative, walking behind Vanessa, GAINING on her. ANGLE ON: WADE's P.O.V. A BOY goes by on his bike, trying hard not to gape. A TODDLER in a STROLLER looks up and BURSTS INTO TEARS. The toddler's MOTHER hustles past. (CONTINUED) 71. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 V43 CONTINUED: V43 MOTHER Alex, don't stare. VANESSA stops and rifles through her purse for keys. STILL on Wade's P.O.V. Wade stops, too, suddenly paralyzed, as the moment to face Vanessa arrives. As he hesitates, torn with anguish, the WHISPERS seem to grow, rising in volume until they become deafening: WHISPER 2 (O.S.) Oh, my, god, that is so fucking gnarly. WHISPER 3 (O.S.) I just lost my appetite. Wade spins, trying to see where the voices are coming from. Nowhere... everywhere. The WHISPERS crescendo, now more in Wade's mind than in reality. He turns back to Vanessa, his face a mask of fear and pain... just as she disappears into her apartment building. The closing glass door reveals his own HIDEOUS REFLECTION STARING BACK AT HIM. DEADPOOL In the whole wide world, there's nothing as ugly... (beat) ...as fear. He gives up on his mission, backing away from his reflection, Vanessa, his old life. He stumbles off the curb and into the street, when... BAM! He is CRUSHED OUT OF FRAME by a SPEEDING BUS. SMASH CUT TO BLACK. FADE UP ON: A43 INT. MORGUE - NIGHT A43 THREE BODY BAGS lie on SLABS in a MORGUE. Without warning, the MIDDLE bag SITS UP STRAIGHT at the WAIST... ...then tries to CATERPILLAR its way to the edge of its slab... (CONTINUED) 72. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 A43 CONTINUED: A43 ...but instead pitches off the slab - CRUNCH - FACE-FIRST onto the floor. WADE (O.S.) Ow. B44 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - NIGHT B44 An FBI-STYLE `ORGANIZATIONAL CHART' has been pinned on Wade's CORKBOARD in the lair. A `pyramid' of baddies are linked by strings. Each baddie is depicted not by a photograph, but a child-like CRAYON DRAWING. Second from the top is the RECRUITER. At the APEX of the pyramid is AJAX HIMSELF. DEADPOOL, in his LAIR, sews together an early `proto- costume.' We see quick cuts of pieces of it going on: White Adidas track suit. White gloves. White boots. And some sort of white mask... A single gun, underarm holster, boot knife but no swords. VC44 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT VC44 DEADPOOL Don't make me ask twice. Where's Francis?! DEADPOOL questions a bleeding thug, more bodies scattered across a floor littered with broken furniture behind him. Another thug rushes in and smashes a pool cue over Deadpool's skull. Deadpool snatches the broken shaft of wood and PUNCHES it into the thugs belly. A third thug staggers to his feet, pulls a pistol, fires multiple shots point blank. Deadpool staggers back, blood blossoming across his white suit. "CLICK" The thug stares in disbelief that Deadpool's still standing. Deadpool looks down at the shaft of wood in his hand. Thinks. (CONTINUED) 73. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VC44 CONTINUED: VC44 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I said, where's... fucking... FR- (realizes) You made me ask twice. Deadpool spins the bloody cue with inhuman dexterity and starts towards the terrified thug, accidentally knocking over a PITCHER of BLOODY MARY onto his already bloody stained suit. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Fuck. Me. D44 INT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY D44 DEADPOOL, TIDE STAIN-STICK in hand, tries unsuccessfully to get the blood out of his white suit. We get our first glimpse of BLIND AL, who's sitting next to Deadpool at the laundromat, completely unfazed by the bloodbath: BLIND AL Seltzer water and lemon for blood. (off Deadpool's impressed look, shrugs) Or wear red. Deadpool's eyes light up. He crumples this suit into a ball and tosses it into a trash bin. E44/H44 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - NIGHT E44/H44 Deadpool stabs a KNIFE into the picture of the GOON he just killed (at the bottom of the pyramid)... right in the FOREHEAD. F44 INT. LAIR - NIGHT F44 DEADPOOL's at the sewing machine again. Quick cuts of a RED `proto' outfit going on: Cheap red sweats. Red gloves. Red converse. As yet unseen RED MASK, which turns out to be... VG44 INT. UNDERGROUND FIGHT - NIGHT VG44 ...a RED `LUCHA LIBRE' PRO WRESTLING MASK. Deadpool stands in the shadows of a dingy basement, low ceilings, walls stacked high with cases of liquor. (CONTINUED) 74. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VG44 CONTINUED: VG44 In a BOXING RING at the center of the room two WOMEN pound each other surrounded by a scrum of a CROWD. Deadpool spies his mark in a dirty white suit pressed in tight ringside. Deadpool pulls his mask down, wades into the crowd, throwing men aside, PLOWING toward his target. The mark sees Deadpool at the last second, turns as a KATANA flashes out and skewers his hand, pinning it to the wall. Deadpool fires a couple shots into the ceiling, sending the rest of the crowd rushing for the exit. DEADPOOL Don't make me ask twice. Where's- SMASH CUT TO: J44 INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - INTERROGATIONS/KILLS J44 Deadpool has a goon at sword-point. DEADPOOL Donde esta Francisco? THUG I don't speak Spanish. DEADPOOL (sighs) And I don't have time for you to learn. Deadpool kills the thug. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Take me to your leader. (turns) I've always wanted to say that. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Squeal. Like a pig. Where's Francis? DEADPOOL In no particular order. Where's your boss? And where can I find good Indian food? HENCHMAN Why the red suit? (CONTINUED) 75. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 J44 CONTINUED: J44 DEADPOOL That's so bad guys can't- never mind, they've already heard that. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) You're about to tell me everything you know about Francis Freeman. Known aliases. Current whereabouts. Boxers or briefs. Go. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (forces guy's mouth open, goes in with knife) Open your mouth. Here comes the airplane! GOON (gun pointed at forehead, a la Joseph Takagi) I don't know, I'm telling you. You're just going to have to kill me. DEADPOOL OK. (shoots goon in head, a la Hans Gruber, then, to audience:) Right?! DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (goon at knifepoint) Don't make me break out the Collective Soul CDs. DEADPOOL You give me your boss. I give you the rest of your life. (CONTINUED) 76. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 J44 CONTINUED: (2) J44 DEADPOOL (throws woman onto table) I don't feel good about myself. But where is he? I'm so sorry. L44 EXT./INT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS L44 New COSTUME. BOOM. A MAN dies. STAB. His picture is knifed. BOOM. STAB. QUESTIONS. BOOM! STAB! INTERROGATION. BOOM! STAB! DEADPOOL questions more and more thugs, each bit of information bringing him closer.... Soon there is a FOREST of knives sticking from the board. ...and only the RECRUITER and AJAX are left. K44/VK44 INT. RICE WORLD - NIGHT K44/VK44 A wretched room, dirty mattresses covering the floor. Dim light scatters through a tangle of IV bags hastily strung up over MEN too poor to have anywhere else to go and die. The RECRUITER kneels, speaking quietly to a particularly hardened patient. He places a card in the man's emaciated hand, then stands and walks toward a low doorway. The recruiter enters a brightly lit room stacked high with bags of rice. Two heavily armed THUGS fall in beside him. The men scan the aisles as they move toward a door leading out into an alley. DEADPOOL Agent Smith! They turn to see DEADPOOL, high atop a stack of rice bags. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I know, right?! I look like a million bucks. (turns to camera) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 77. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 K44/VK44 CONTINUED: K44/VK44 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Literally - this suit cost Fox a million dollars. Without a word, the Recruiter flees, running through the big roll-up door. Deadpool leaps to land between the two bodyguards as they draw their weapons and spray the room with gunfire. One goes down in a bloody heap. Deadpool leaps toward the other, skewers him with both swords. The thug falls backward, dead before he hits the ground. L44/VL44 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT L44/VL44 DEADPOOL Come out, come out, wherever you are! (darkens) Don't make me ask tw- (pleasantly surprised) Good for you! The Recruiter has stepped timidly from between overflowing garbage bins, hands raised, eager to talk his way out of this mess: RECRUITER To whom should I address my... desperate bargaining? DEADPOOL Don't recognize the voice? Maybe the resumé: Forty-one confirmed kills. Make that Eighty-nine. Seven the past week alone. Same rate most folks... (pulls out SWORD) ...get a shave. RECRUITER (realizes who it is, fights to stay composed) Mr... Wilson? DEADPOOL Ding-ding-ding! Now... you're about to tell me where I can find your boss. Or I'm gonna make you feel worse. Wait... Deadpool brings the sword closer to the recruiter's face. Turns to CAMERA: DEADPOOL (CONT'D) ...worse than worse. (CONTINUED) 78. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 L44/VL44 CONTINUED: L44/VL44 RECRUITER And I pride myself on being persuasive. SMASH CUT TO: RS44 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - DAY - PAST RS44 WADE stands in the shadows. WEASEL sits at a table. WADE No... no way! I'm not making her life as ugly as mine! WEASEL C'mon, you can't look that bad! It's like that blemish no one notices but you. WADE Wrong. I'm a monster, inside and out. I belong in a circus, the kind that rolls around Eastern Europe in covered wagons. WEASEL I can't envision a scenario where Vanessa won't take you ba- (Wade steps into light, takes off his hoodie) -aaaaaccckkk!! Holy shit. You... are... terrifying. You look like an avocado had sex with an older avocado. Wade grabs the bottle of JACK DANIELS from the table, GUZZLES. WEASEL (CONT'D) We might have to move our relationship to text and phone only. Wade ignores Weas, slams down the bottle: WADE And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug, the asshole who ran that mutant factory, escaped to who knows where. WEASEL I take back the Vanessa thing. You have only one option. WADE Find Francis-Go-Fuck-Himself. (CONTINUED) 79. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 RS44 CONTINUED: RS44 WEASEL (not listening) Star in low budget horror movies. Seriously, you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. WADE (equally not listening) I'm gonna work my way through his crew... crushing bad guys' skulls, `til one of `em leads me to Francis. Then I'll force him to cure this face. Stomp his bloody guts into a fine vintage. And win Vanessa back. WEASEL OK. Not exactly the plot of Beauty and the Beast, but cool. Good news, that douche thinks you're dead. Advantage you. He won't think you're coming. Bad news, with a puss like that, you'll be spotted fast. WADE (derisive) So what do you suggest? A mask? WEASEL Not a bad idea! You... are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares. WADE (nods) Like a testicle with teeth. WEASEL How `bout a super-suit? And a nickname! Bitter-Boy. Super-Fist. Captain Never- Die. (deflates at a thought) WADE What? WEASEL Nothing. It's just... you know, I just realized, I'm never winning the- Weasel looks over to Wade, sees him staring. He follows Wade's gaze up to the board on the wall. WADE Deadpool. (CONTINUED) 80. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 RS44 CONTINUED: (2) RS44 As Wade says the word, he and Weasel share a look. EUREKA. Wade holds up the BOTTLE. WEASEL Deadpool. To you, Mr. Pool. The two CLINK GLASSES. 44A INT./EXT. MONTAGE - DAY/NIGHT - PAST 44A A highly pleased DEADPOOL holds up the-soon-to-become-famous MASK for the first time, ushering in... a MONTAGE: WADE, at SISTER MARGARET's, receives a YELLOW CARD with a Cypress Tree from WEASEL. He turns a LUCHA LIBRE mask INSIDE OUT to reveal the classic DEADPOOL MASK we all know and love. Puts it on. Then dresses - piece-by-piece - in the RED UNIFORM we've come to know and love. And at last, UNSHEATHES A KATANA. The sword TWIRLS, SLASHES, LUNGES into shadow. A HANDKERCHIEF WIPES BLOOD from the BLADE. The katana gets SHEATHED again. The same yellow card is now RECEIVED and PUNCHED by Weasel. Wade is paid in TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS. WHIP CREAM froths onto a shot glass. A BLOW-JOB is TOSSED BACK. Meanwhile, VANESSA plays SKEE-BALL wistfully by herself at the ARCADE: SKEE-BALLS roll into HOLES. LIGHTS FLASH. TICKETS CHURN OUT. VANESSA catches a reflection of someone STARING at her from across the lobby. When she spins around, the culprit is GONE. Vanessa SHIVERS... but it's a warm shiver, somehow. A HEAP of TICKETS slides across the prize counter. A big STUFFED ANIMAL slides into Vanessa's arms. Vanessa tosses it into an empty CLOSET inside her and Wade's former APARTMENT. Then stares out the SPIDER-WEB CRACK in the window. Back at DEADPOOL's LAIR, Deadpool places various suspicious accoutrements on the NORNAS COFFEE TABLE: an 8x11 framed photo of VANESSA. A BOTTLE of JERGENS. A BOX of KLEENEX. His BELT. His powder-blue CROCS. Deadpool kicks back on the FUTON. Smiles under his mask. CUT TO: BLIND AL, building yet another shelving unit, looking up with a grossed-out frown: `Am I hearing what I think I'm hearing?' Next, DEADPOOL finishes plastering hundreds of ADVENT CALENDARS he's purchased onto one WALL of his LAIR. (CONTINUED) 81. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 44A CONTINUED: 44A When the wall is covered, he carefully pins the FIRST ornament onto the FIRST tree on the FIRST calendar. And at last, his MASK comes OFF and his HEAD hits the PILLOW. Instantly, the montage CRANKS UP its SPEED, with quicker and quicker EDITS. The visual totems that have just been introduced begin to FLY by... shorthand for the passage of time: Yellow cards are given, received, punched. Blades are unsheathed, sheathed, cleaned. Whip cream sprayed. Drinks consumed. Skee-balls rolled into holes. Tickets won. Prizes earned. Tossed onto a EVER-GROWING PILE in the closet. VANESSA staring out her window. Jergens pumped. Kleenexes pulled. Crocs discarded. BLIND AL's ears plugged. Ornaments are pinned to calendars. Lords a-leap. Swans a- swim. Maids a-milk. Mask comes off. Head hits pillow. Mask pulls on. The images fly by FASTER... FASTER... FASTER. Whip cream. Skee-balls. Crocs. Ornaments. Weasel. Deadpool. Vanessa. Al. `I NEED A HERO' plays faster and faster, too - higher and higher, like a record on too many RPMs. The effect is rhythmic... hypnotic... ...until finally, the montage REACHES a CRESCENDO. And then BOOM! Ratchets back to REGULAR SPEED: `CHRISTMAS MORNING' has arrived. All the calendars but one are now fully studded with decorations. DEADPOOL plucks out one last STAR to pin atop the final TREE. Only it's not a star at all, it's AJAX's MUG SHOT clipped out from the old NEWSPAPER. With great satisfaction, Deadpool pins the faded photo to the last treetop. The music dies, and Deadpool turns to camera. (CONTINUED) 82. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 44A CONTINUED: (2) 44A DEADPOOL Santa Claus is coming... SMASH CUT TO: 45 OMITTED 45 46 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY - PAST 46 DEADPOOL (O.S.) ...to town! DEADPOOL has ONE LEG in his COSTUME and the other LEG still stabbing for the other pants-hole. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Late-late-late-late-late! He HOPS ACROSS the hall past BLIND AL, not really paying attention to her. We're revisiting the moment from earlier JUST AFTER she TRIPS on Deadpool's DUFFEL of AMMUNITION, PICKS it up, and DRAGS it OFF. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry! BLIND AL I hope you're doing us the courtesy of pants. 47 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY - PAST 47 DEADPOOL runs out to the street corner and WAVES. DEADPOOL Taxi! A TAXI - if you've been paying attention, you will recognize it - pulls up to the curb. Deadpool opens the rear door. A WOMAN steps out, pausing to pay Dopinder. WOMAN Keep the change. Deadpool frowns. The woman is pulling her money from a BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE. Deadpool's eyes raise from the purse to the woman holding it: BERNADETTE PETERS HERSELF! Deadpool doubletakes, then shakes his head (`Nah, couldn't be...') and climbs into the cab. Who is behind the wheel but... DOPINDER Where do you want to be going! (CONTINUED) 83. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 47 CONTINUED: 47 DEADPOOL (looks to camera) And we all know how this turned out. Cue Benny Hill speed... The action goes into Benny-Hill-like HYPER-SPEED as we relive the opening scenes of the movie: DEADPOOL's CAB RIDE. AJAX crumpling up his orange jumpsuit and switching places with a motorcycle RIDER at the RAFT. The FREEWAY FIGHT with AJAX's GOONS. The CONFRONTATION with COLOSSUS. Until at last... VRS48 EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY VRS48 Transport TRUCKS idle in the loading dock. A docile SUPER-SLAVE, fitted with a control collar and cuffs, steps into a CRATE IDENTICAL to the ONES AJAX DELIVERED TO THE WARLORD in ACT ONE. He lies down. ANGEL DUST is overseeing. She plunges a pistol-grip syringe into his neck and fires: ANGEL DUST For your flight. The man's eyelids flutter shut. Next to him, four identical crates hold four unconscious men and women. The workshop henchmen hammer on the tops and laboriously load them up into the truck. ANGEL picks up one over her shoulder with ease. She turns at the sound of a sputtering motorcycle getting closer. Ajax rolls in on one of the battered black bikes from the freeway. Smoke curls from its broken tailpipe. He steps off the bike while it's still moving, just letting it roll forward and tip to the ground with a clank. AJAX (O.S.) Quit showing off, Angel. Angel doesn't seem surprised by his dirty and bloodied appearance. A raised eyebrow and a disapproving look is all she has for her boss. RSA48 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY RSA48 A WAREHOUSE full of SURGICAL EQUIPMENT. OVERHEAD LAMPS. FABRIC TENTS. CHROME TABLES, one of which Ajax sits on. AJAX Wade Fucking Wilson. (CONTINUED) 84. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 RSA48 CONTINUED: RSA48 ANGEL DUST stands in front of him, putting stitches into his GORY MESS of a SHOULDER WOUND. He doesn't so much as FLINCH. ANGEL DUST Makes perfect sense. AJAX I suppose if I looked like him, I'd wear a mask too. (Angel finishes final stitch) Only wish I mended the same. Ajax pops off the table. Swings his arm around, testing his shoulder. AJAX (CONT'D) Not to worry. We'll put him out of our misery. On our terms. ANGEL DUST And if he heals? AJAX He can't - if there's nothing left of him to heal. And then we go back to business as usual. Ajax's hand is a blur as he plucks the MATCHSTICK from Angel's mouth. AJAX (CONT'D) What say we leave the matches at home? 49 INT. DEADPOOL'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - PRESENT 49 ...the PAST reaches the PRESENT. REGULAR SPEED AGAIN. DEADPOOL is sitting on his futon, Crocs on, staring at camera. DEADPOOL There. All caught up. (shifts weight, moans, lies back on futon) BLIND AL (O.S.) Tylenol P.M.? BLIND AL shuffles over from the kitchen with a cup of tea and a bottle of Tylenol. She eases down onto the futon next to Deadpool. (CONTINUED) 85. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 49 CONTINUED: 49 DEADPOOL You can stick that where you stuck the Bactine! I found my stash of wisdom- tooth Percocet in the Storjorm, and I'm orbiting Saturn. But I appreciate the gesture. Deadpool lays his head on Blind Al's shoulder and gently rubs her face with his KID HAND. BLIND AL Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? DEADPOOL The size of a KFC spork. BLIND AL Eesh. I get why you're so pissy. But your mood's never gonna brighten `til you find this woman you love and tell her how you feel! DEADPOOL What do I keep saying, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me! If you could see me, you'd understand. BLIND AL Love is blind, Wade. DEADPOOL No, you're blind. The ROOMBA sucks up THREE SCREWS next to an IVAR shelving unit. BLIND AL What was that? DEADPOOL A clue why our Ivar shelving unit's about to fall the fuck apart. BLIND AL So you're just gonna lie there and whimper? DEADPOOL Just clocking time `til this arm plows through puberty. I've got a new Christmas Day. (CONTINUED) 86. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 49 CONTINUED: (2) 49 Deadpool throws his feet, CROCS and all, up on the coffee table. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Now, ya may want to leave the room. (beat) I bet it feels huge in this hand. RS50 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT RS50 WEASEL is on the house phone. The bar is BUSTLING. WEASEL Wade, we got a problem. And by we I mean you. VB51 EXT. NO. 5 ORANGE - NIGHT VB51 DEADPOOL and WEASEL walk hastily, purposefully into the eye of the storm. Deadpool is a HOT MESS. DEADPOOL I'm about to lose what's left of my shit. Is there a word for half-afraid, half- furious? WEASEL Afurious? Wait, is it Monday?! They have an amazing Matzah Ball Soup Monday. (beat) Never mind. Have you figured what you're gonna tell her? DEADPOOL (thinks) Fuck. WEASEL It's a start. 51A INT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 51A Lights flash. Music pumps. From across the room we see WADE and WEASEL enter. Weasel jokes with the DOORMAN while Wade scans the crowd, searching for Vanessa. EMCEE STAN LEE, sweatsuit, gold chains, Beats headphones, lords from a glass cubicle: STAN LEE Coming onto the stage, give it up for... Chastity! 87. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 52 INT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 52 WEASEL Or as I like to call her, Irony! DEADPOOL navigates through a TIGHTLY-PACKED CROWD toward the MAIN STAGE, accompanied by WEASEL. DEADPOOL We gotta find her fast. Before fuck-ass. WEASEL How do you even know she's here? DEADPOOL I come for the French Onion Soup. How do you think? I'm constantly stalking that fox. Deadpool STOPS in his tracks, STARING. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Every time I see her is like the first time. REVERSE ANGLE to reveal what Deadpool is looking at: the gorgeous backside of a COCKTAIL WAITRESS in a skimpy dress. Back to Deadpool: DEADPOOL (V.O.) Even from this angle. Especially from this angle. Hypnotized, Deadpool puts one foot in front of the other, approaching the waitress. Suddenly, the WAITRESS TURNS to reveal her face: VANESSA. Deadpool immediately CHICKENS OUT, puts his head down, turns away from her into the press of MEN around one of the stages. Vanessa catches the vaguest glimpse, but before she can get a better look, Deadpool is swallowed up by the crowd. She gets that warm shiver again... the one that says she's feeling an old presence. She stares after Deadpool. It couldn't possibly be. Deadpool pushes past the men, almost in a panic, beating a HASTY RETREAT toward WEASEL at the back of the room. (CONTINUED) 88. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 52 CONTINUED: 52 DEADPOOL (V.O.) Shittiest moment numero tres. Deadpool walks past Weasel, fleeing into the men's room... 53 INT. MEN'S REST ROOM - CONTINUOUS 53 ...and SPLASH! Washes his face at the SINK. DEADPOOL Lezzdothis. Before I re-reconsider. Maximum effort. A hand comes into frame offering a paper towel. It belongs to a WASHROOM ATTENDANT in a tuxedo vest. Deadpool uses the towel to wipe his face and finishes with the attendant's sleeve. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Sorry. (tries to dry attendant's sleeve with paper towel) I get very uncomfortable around you guys. (takes mint off counter, then condom off counter, then sees tip jar) Crisp high five? 54 INT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 54 VANESSA sets down a tray of empty glasses. Her scum-bag of a MANAGER gives her a heads-up: MANAGER Someone out back asking for you. Said somethin' about an old boyfriend? 55 EXT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - ALLEY - NIGHT 55 VANESSA exits the club into an ALLEY, one of Wade's old jackets thrown over her shoulders. One sickly street lamp casts some light. The rest is obscured in SHADOW. Vanessa spies the shape of a MAN hiding in the shadows. VANESSA I knew it was you. Vanessa is seized by memories. She peers into the dark, heart pounding. VANESSA (CONT'D) With the weird, curvy edges. (CONTINUED) 89. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 55 CONTINUED: 55 Then steps forward slowly, nervously. Overcome with emotion. VANESSA (CONT'D) (barely audible) Like a jigsaw puzzle. No one answers. Vanessa gets a bad feeling and starts to back up. The man steps confidently into the light. Not WADE... ...but AJAX. Vanessa spins around and runs straight into Angel Dust, who step out of the shadows. Vanessa make a grab for her purse, contents spilling out onto the grimy street, but her hand comes up with a TASER. She jams it into the flesh of Angel Dusts shoulder. Angel Dust just smiles as electricity arcs and sizzles. Then she grabs Vanessa's hand and twists it away. Vanessa THRASHES like a polecat. But Angel Dust is brutally strong. She clamps her hand around Vanessa's jaw and SQUEEZES, dangling her in the air by her FACE. AJAX You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. Vanessa's eyes widen in shock and surprise. AJAX (CONT'D) `The good Lord sends the fishing... Vanessa screams mutely into Angel Dust's palm. AJAX (CONT'D) ...but you must dig the bait.' 56 INT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - HALLWAY - NIGHT 56 WADE pushes through the crowd to find WEASEL sitting in GYNO ROW at the edge of the stage. He's in the middle of slipping a bill into a dancer's garter. WEASEL Manager said she went that way. (thumbs towards the back) Good luck, Tiger! DEADPOOL moves quickly down a HALL, turns a corner, and REACHES for the knob of the door to the alley. His eyes WIDEN as he remembers something IMPORTANT. (CONTINUED) 90. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 56 CONTINUED: 56 Deadpool reaches back and pulls up his hood to hide his scarred FACE. Deadpool girds himself, then OPENS the door to spy... 57 EXT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - ALLEY - NIGHT 57 ...the empty alley. Deadpool spies a woman's CLUTCH lying alone in a pool of light, contents strewn about. He reaches down and picks up... ...his old BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE. DEADPOOL Mother-fucker best be wearing his brown pants. 58 INT. SCRAPYARD / ELEVATOR - PRE-DAWN 58 AJAX and Angel Dust stand at either side of a bound and gagged VANESSA. They are inside the metal cage of an INDUSTRIAL ELEVATOR, going UP. DEADPOOL (V.O.) And... numero dos. A bare bulb casts harsh light as they rise past a dark mass of twisted metal. Ajax looks almost bored, hums to himself tunelessly. V59 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY V59 AJAX explains his plan to VANESSA: AJAX That's what I thought, but he keeps on coming back. Like a Bad Jesus. But despite all Wade's powers, I still hold the advantage: He feels. Too strongly for his own good. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. VA60 EXT. X-MANSION - DAY VA60 A sign reads `PROFESSOR XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS.' The sign is on the perfectly manicured front lawn of the gorgeous Gothic X-MANSION. Who is standing outside the front door of the mansion but DEADPOOL, in full regalia. Deadpool raises his knuckles to KNOCK, but is suddenly STARTLED... (CONTINUED) 91. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VA60 CONTINUED: VA60 ...by the door SWINGING OPEN to reveal an annoyed NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. She's wearing BEATS HEADPHONES. DEADPOOL Ripley from `Alien 3'! NTW Deadfool. DEADPOOL It's like you knew I was about to knock! (shivers, `creepy') Is that big steel dildo home? NTW You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? DEADPOOL Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown. Or saving money. But no. It's about me saving my girl from a bad guy, the one you two helped me lose. You do fight bad guys? (off NTW's stare) No time for hard stares, are you gonna fetch big-shiny-balls or not? Tell him I have an offer he can't refuse! NTW turns, disappears into the house. NTW Colossus! From off camera, we hear loudly, excitedly, from the second floor: COLOSSUS (O.S.) Is that you, Wade?! I knew you'd see error of ways! DEADPOOL Yep, that's me, seeing the error of my ways! I just need an itty bitty favor in return! (turns to camera, whispers) Fool him five times? Shame on him. 92. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 60 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAWN 60 WEASEL and DEADPOOL are going through IKEA drawers, pulling out every GUN and GRENADE on God's green earth and stuffing them into a couple of Deadpool's `I HEART HELLO KITTY' DUFFEL BAGS. This is Deadpool's ARSENAL, big enough for a small army. In go the twin DESERT EAGLES. Then Weasel dumps an entire ARMFUL of AMMO BOXES into the duffel. WEASEL That's about... three thousand shells. A BEAT. Deadpool LOOKS AT CAMERA menacingly: DEADPOOL And we've all seen what I can do with twelve. BLIND AL enters, holding a STEYR AUG RIFLE. BLIND AL I was gonna spend tonight assembling the Borgsjo, but this is holding my interest. Both Deadpool and Weasel duck, afraid she might shoot them. DEADPOOL Careful, Ronnie Milsap, we're down-range! And we decided on the Orrberg, not the Borgsjo. BLIND AL Shit. WEASEL She cool? DEADPOOL The coolest. Plus, she could never pick you out of a line-up. BEEP-BEEP. DEADPOOL looks at his phone. The screen says, "Vanessa's Phone" DEADPOOL (CONT'D) It's Francis. He wants me to come to him. And he calls me a piece of- (squints, can't read) (CONTINUED) 93. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 60 CONTINUED: 60 WEASEL (points) That's the shit emoji. A turd with a smile, see? How did Google ever approve that? Blind Al grabs a Nerf N-Strike Elite Strong-arm Blaster from a drawer (it feels like a gun!) and goes to put it in the duffel. Deadpool almost stops her, then shrugs - maybe it will come in useful... BLIND AL That's every piece in the house. DEADPOOL Uh-uh-uh. Blind Al sighs - busted - she puts her leg up on a chair and pulls a tiny Saturday Night Special from an ankle holster... and is about to hand it over when instead, she turns, and... ...BOOM... shoots the ROOMBA, laying waste to it. BLIND AL It was him or me. (beat) I did hit it, right? DEADPOOL Please. It's been years since you've hit anything. See what I did there? BLIND AL Fuck you. Deadpool takes the tiny gun and shoves it in the small of his back. Then follows Weasel out the door. Then quickly turns back. DEADPOOL (to Al) In case I never see you again, I love you very much... and there's a hundred-ten million dollars buried somewhere in the apartment. Good luck. Watch your face. Deadpool slams the door behind him. 61 INT./EXT. TAXI - MORNING 61 A TAXI drives across the city, its BACK BUMPER scraping the ground, throwing off SPARKS. (CONTINUED) 94. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 61 CONTINUED: 61 In the PASSENGER seat: DEADPOOL, his DUFFEL at his feet. Behind the wheel: DOPINDER. DEADPOOL Any luck winning Gita back? DOPINDER I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool. But Bandhu is more craftier - and handsomer - than me. DEADPOOL (shrugs) It's all relative. Deadpool quickly LIFTS his MASK, revealing his SCARS to Dopinder. STARTLED, Dopinder FLINCHES and SIDESWIPES a PARKED CAR. COLOSSUS (O.S.) Stop the car. I must leave a note. Cut to the BACK SEAT to find COLOSSUS CRAMMED in, KNEES to CHEST. He's drinking a CAPPUCCINO in a Dunkin' Donuts cup. DEADPOOL Oh, please. I'll bet the halls of your high school were very well monitored. DOPINDER I cannot be stopping. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.) Wait, I'm getting a premonition. To Colossus's left is NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. She's holding two fingers to her temple again, a la Professor X. Then nods toward Dopinder. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT'D) He's uninsured. DOPINDER She indeed has ESPN! I am quite uninsuranced. DEADPOOL You mean ESP. But come on! I coulda- NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD -called that yourself? (CONTINUED) 95. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 61 CONTINUED: (2) 61 DEADPOOL Gaaaahhhh! Deadpool literally BOUNCES in frustration. DOPINDER Who brought this twinkly man? DEADPOOL Twinkly, but deadly. My big Russki friend doesn't like the idea of a whole new army of mutant mutton-heads. And I told him if he did me this solid, I'd consider joining his boy band. COLOSSUS It's not a boy band. DEADPOOL Sure it's not. The cab drives over a SMALL DIP and BOTTOMS OUT. CLANG. BANG. A muffled yelp comes from the TRUNK: VOICE (O.S.) Ow! Help. Me. BEAT. Dopinder reaches to turn up the RADIO. DEADPOOL Uh. Dopinder. What was that? DOPINDER Oh, that? That was Bandhu. COLOSSUS Bandwho? DOPINDER My romantic rival, Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, D.P. I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish. Then dump his lifeless corpse on Gita's doorstep like a cat with a dead bird. Mom and Dad will be over the moon. Deadpool looks back at Colossus and shrugs. DEADPOOL Something must've gotten lost in the translation. (gives surreptitious thumbs up to Dopinder) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 96. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 61 CONTINUED: (3) 61 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Seriously. This is no way to win Gita's heart. Return Bandhu home safe and gentle-like. And then woo Gita with your boyish charm... DOPINDER Fine, fine. Safe and gentle-like. Here we are... Dopinder pulls over and hits the meter. Then sighs. DOPINDER (CONT'D) I too am clairvoyance. I presume a crisp high five? DEADPOOL For you? Ten. DOPINDER Knock em dead, Pool Boy. Deadpool and Dopinder SLAP BOTH HANDS. DEADPOOL Time to make the chimichangas. 62 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 62 We hear the first bold notes of DMX's `X GON GIVE IT TO YA.' DEADPOOL, COLOSSUS, and NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD walk in SLO- MO across the scrapyard toward the COMBAT CARRIER. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Not often a dude ruins your face. Destroys your living. Grabs your future baby mama. Personally sees to 8 of your 10 shittiest life moments. And plans to lather-rinse-repeat on a buncha new chumps. Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... This is as cool as Deadpool has ever looked. Muscles sprouting muscles. Katanas gleaming. Then, at the height of his coolness, Deadpool STOPS, sensing something amiss. DMX cuts out. REGULAR SPEED RESUMES as Deadpool looks down to spy his FLY DOWN. He ZIPS it UP, embarrassed. DEADPOOL (to camera) It happens. A'ight, cue up DMX again. (CONTINUED) 97. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 62 CONTINUED: 62 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD Wait! Where's your duffel bag? DEADPOOL (freezes, it's missing) Gahhhhhhh! (pulls out a phone, dials) 63 INT. TAXI CAB - DAY 63 DOPINDER drives, head bobbing to a Bhangra Beat, HELLO KITTY DUFFEL still sitting in the passenger WHEEL WELL. On cue, Dopinder's CELL PHONE RINGS. Dopinder reaches for it, then fumbles it away. The phone falls to the floorboard. Dopinder looks ahead, sees the approaching traffic light is green, ducks down to make a grab, but when he returns his eyes to the road, the light is now red. Dopinder slams on his brakes. SCREECH! He manages to avoid the car in front. BAM! The taxi is REAR-ENDED, its TRUNK SMASHED like an accordion. We hear a HOLLER from inside. DOPINDER Bandhu? 64 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 64 DEADPOOL (hears crash) Goddamnit! Never mind. Nothing that can't be fixed by two swords and... (cracks neck) ...maximum effort. (points to imaginary D.J.) Gimme a beat! DMX KICKS IN AGAIN. Deadpool strides forward in SLO-MO. As they near the carrier a dozen armed and armored MERCS suddenly rise from behind the piles of scrap metal before them. Assault weapons raised, ready to fire. The trio stops, Colossus stepping in front of NTW, sheltering her behind his armored body. ANGEL DUST (O.S.) No one fires! Our heroes crane their necks to spy ANGEL DUST standing on the edge of the deck above. (CONTINUED) 98. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 64 CONTINUED: 64 ANGEL DUST (CONT'D) They're mine. Angel Dust LEAPS outward, falls like a stone, HITS the ground with a THUNDEROUS impact. The dust clears. She strides over the broken ground, smiling, READY for a scrap. DEADPOOL Long term, that's hard on your knees. (ALT:) Super-hero landing! Clearly you're far too much dude for me. Which is why... (points) ...I brought him. COLOSSUS steps forward into Angel Dust's path holding a pair of Adamantium HANDCUFFS just like he used on Deadpool. COLOSSUS I'd prefer not to hit a woman. So please place your hands behind your- BOOM! Without stopping Angel Dust throws a RIGHT HOOK from her HEELS. The punch CONNECTS with COLOSSUS's JAW. He goes flying, SCRAPING SPARKS ACROSS CONCRETE. DEADPOOL (sighs, points) I also brought her. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD steps forward on Deadpool's right. NTW chews her gum. Once. Twice. Then runs TOWARD Angel Dust, LOWERS her SHOULDER, and EXPLODES UP toward her with a WICKEDLY THUNDEROUS BANG of ENERGY and SOUND. Yes, Negasonic Teenage Warhead is exactly that - a living, breathing WARHEAD - like her own personal CANNONBALL. It's Angel Dust's turn to go flying backward, smashing into - and completely trashing - a heavy metal shipping container. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I feel sorry for the guy who tries to pressure her into prom sex. Angel Dust regains her feet, smiles dangerously at the Mercs. ANGEL DUST Never mind. Fire. (CONTINUED) 99. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 64 CONTINUED: (2) 64 Deadpool is already moving as the Mercs OPEN FIRE, full-auto. Deadpool grabs the still-woozy NTW and runs to the nearby cover of metal scrap, keeping between her and the gunfire. Colossus, now back on his feet, strides purposely forward. Bullets ping harmlessly off his metal skin. Angel Dust charges forward, snarling. DEADPOOL (shouts) Finish fucking her the fuck up. Colossus stops, annoyed. COLOSSUS Language. Please. Then Angel Dust SMASHES into him. The two collide with earth- shaking force. The sheer power of Angel Dust's momentum slams them backwards into-and through-a huge pile of scrap. 65 INT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY 65 AJAX pulls VANESSA forward to the edge of the carrier deck, forces her gaze downward toward the WAR ZONE below. AJAX How does it feel? Ex-boyfriend abandons you, becomes a sanity-challenged killer mutant in tights... VANESSA Says the sanity-challenged killer mutant in parachute pants. P.S. I've never played the role of damsel in distress. AJAX `Til now. Ajax yanks Vanessa away from the edge again. 66 EXT. SCRAPYARD - CONTINUOUS 66 Every MERC is pouring fire towards Deadpool's position. He hunkers down with NTW, her hands clamped tight over her ears. Deadpool unzips a zipper, reaches into his suit at the crotch, YANKS. Grimaces. We hear fabric tear. He pulls his hand out, waves a pair of torn TIGHTIE-WHITIES up from behind cover. (CONTINUED) 100. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 66 CONTINUED: 66 DEADPOOL Hey, fellas, whoa! Hold on! Don'tcha wanna hear my terms?! The mercs spot the white `flag.' Fire slackens from full- auto to a few pot-shots. Finally, Deadpool pops up. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) You guys only work for that shit-spackled Muppet fart! So I'm gonna give y'all the chance to lay down your firearms in return for preferential - bordering on gentle - possibly even lover-like treatment. The Mercs ignore him, opening fire AGAIN with a vengeance. Deadpool ducks and drops his tightie-whities. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Fine. Commando. (to NTW) Stay down, kid. Unless your power's stopping bullets. Deadpool SURGES forward, dives from cover, rolls. He comes up boot knife out, arm whipping forward- The nearest merc's head snaps back as the knife buries itself to the hilt in his eye socket. Deadpool sprints forward, zig-zagging, leaping, spinning as he closes the distance to the mercs. He's moving too fast for their guns to track. Bullets chew up the ground behind. Deadpool reaches the first pile of twisted metal, slides under, comes up behind two mercs taking shelter there. The first man turns, gun barrel swinging `round. Deadpool ducks, sweeps his legs, grabs his gun as he goes down. Deadpool rolls over him, firing BACKWARD into the man's face while spinning up to smash his boot into the face of the second merc. He slides past, firing a burst backward into the merc's neck as he falls. Seconds later he's leaping OVER the heads of the next pair of mercs. They turn to fire up at him - too slow. He fires short, controlled bursts down into their upturned faces. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Deadpool lands, tosses the empty smoking gun. Then slowly, lovingly, unsheathes his Katanas. (CONTINUED) 101. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 66 CONTINUED: (2) 66 Deadpool is running forward now, weaving his way through the wreckage. Hunting. 67 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 67 COLOSSUS and ANGEL DUST engage in a BATTLE ROYALE. Colossus grabs Angel Dust by the SCRUFF of her NECK and HURLS her into an ABANDONED AIRCRAFT. CRUNCH. Angel Dust is on one knee, shaken, disheveled, one BREAST hanging out of her torn flak jacket. The prim Colossus covers his eyes. COLOSSUS Uh... you seem to have, um... Angel Dust smiles, tucks the wayward boob back in, then BLASTS Colossus with a FLYING KNEE that generates SHOCK WAVES so powerful, Colossus' CHROME actually RIPPLES. Colossus growls and CHARGES AGAIN. CUT TO: DEADPOOL spins around a corner as another pair of MERCS move forward, guns raised. Deadpool dives under their fire, guts them in blurred flash of steel. THRUST! SLICE! IMPALE! COMPLETE MAYHEM. Another trio of mercs rush around the corner, opening fire as they see their comrades fall. DEADPOOL runs toward them, flips and dodges like a whirling dervish, bringing GUARDS down in surgical, artistic fashion, as if where he's killing them means as much to him as how. Two men converge on Deadpool. He JUMPS. Mid-air, he flips his TWO KATANAS, GRIPS them upside-down like ICE PICKS, and STABS down in an arc to either side, SKEWERING two men through the TOPS of their HELMETS. A final merc comes around the corner and Deadpool spins, slices the strap of his gun, kicks the man in the chest, knocking him flat on his back and sitting on his face. DEADPOOL Tea-bag! (notices man under him) Bob?! BOB Wade?! (CONTINUED) 102. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 67 CONTINUED: 67 DEADPOOL It's been since... Jacksonville! BOB TGIFridays. DEADPOOL Liked the Loaded Potato Skins. Didn't like you. BOB Ditto. Deadpool rises and pulls Bob to his feet. Bob tries to draw a pistol but DP slaps it out of his hand, sends it skittering away. DEADPOOL Bob, y'mind taking a half-step right? No, your right. Never mind- Deadpool KNOCKS Bob OUT with the sword's GRIP, then NUDGES him sideways gently as he falls. At last, SILENCE. Deadpool steps forward. Then looks up toward the carrier above, waves. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Yoo-hoo! From above, AJAX peers down sees that Deadpool has killed his henchmen in such precise positions that their fallen bodies spell out: FRANCIS. Deadpool moves forward. LIMPING. CHARRED. TATTERED. But unbowed. AJAX That never gets old. But neither will you. Right on cue... ...three more Mercs appear to either side of Ajax, armed with HEAVY MACHINE GUNS - much NASTIER than any we've yet seen. BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM! The guards OPEN FIRE, and a BARRAGE of bullets rain down on the scrapyard, chewing up the landscape around Deadpool. (CONTINUED) 103. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 67 CONTINUED: (2) 67 Deadpool SPRINTS back toward cover, weaving, leaping, zig- zagging to avoid being hit. He dives behind some wreckage as more gunfire pings off the metal. DEADPOOL, pokes his head up, drawing a withering barrage of fire from the mercs above. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.) Hey! ANGLE ON: NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD, also taking cover, crouched under a broken PLANE WING. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT'D) Climb on. Deadpool nods, then sprints toward her, springs high, flips, and lands on his back, spread eagled on the wing. DEADPOOL Light the candle... NTW nonchalantly SPITS out her GUM, crouches, and... EXPLODES UPWARD. The wing LAUNCHES up in a shallow PARABOLA, Deadpool CLINGING for dear life on TOP. 68 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 68 Four MERCS continue firing down as the wing soars up. The WING SMASHES into them. All four go FLYING. Two end up DEAD under the wing. AJAX is thrown backward. One MERC lands, stunned, close to the edge. A LONG BEAT. AJAX rises to his feet. Then DEADPOOL pulls himself UP over the edge of the carrier and ROLLS onto the deck. He looks like he's been through a meat grinder - limping, scorched, bloody. Deadpool staggers to his feet. The last injured MERC lamely tries to GRAB his ANKLE. DEADPOOL Your plan to trip me to death? Has failed. Deadpool nonchalantly STABS him through the back of the neck like a butterfly on a display, then turns to face Ajax. (CONTINUED) 104. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 68 CONTINUED: 68 Twenty meters away, AJAX leans casually against... what else? THE PUNCH-BOWL. VANESSA is STRAPPED inside, lid open. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) You were right, babe. (wipes blood off sword) Red is my color. VANESSA Wade? AJAX (taps glass) What better way to climb back in your head... DEADPOOL You never left. VANESSA (to Deadpool) But you did, asshole. AJAX You two have a lot to work out. Take a deep breath. Wait. Wrong choice... Ajax quickly CLOSES the LID and hits a SWITCH. Vanessa starts taking short, desperate GASPS. AJAX (CONT'D) ...of words. DEADPOOL I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. `Cause I'm'a go looking. Ajax squats down and picks up TWO STEEL-HAFTED FIRE-FIGHTING AXES, each with an ULTRA-SHARP BLADE on one side of its head and an EQUALLY SHARP CLAW on the other. Deadpool raises a KATANA and HURLS it NOT at Ajax, but the PUNCH-BOWL. The blade PENETRATES the PLEXI and tears into the RESTRAINT holding Vanessa's RIGHT WRIST, partly FRAYING it. AIR seeps through the CRACK. Vanessa catches a tiny BREATH. She TUGS on the frayed RESTRAINT. AJAX I hear you grow back parts. When I get done... parts will have to grow back you. DEADPOOL Good one. (CONTINUED) 105. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 68 CONTINUED: (2) 68 A big BOOMING sound from below and then the deck of the carrier shakes as if from a mild earthquake. Ajax and Deadpool look at each other. Shrug. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Let's dance. (beat) And by dance I mean try to kill each other. 69 EXT. SCRAPYARD - CONTINUOUS 69 BAM! Below, COLOSSUS delivers a HAYMAKER from hell itself. Angel Dust FALLS, then RISES, RIPS OFF the WING of a PLANE, and BLASTS Colossus with it... first like a BASEBALL BAT, then like a GOLF CLUB, then like a COUNTY FAIR MALLETS you use to try to ring a bell. CLANG! A battered NTW RACES toward Angel Dust. Angel Dust swings the wing, but NTW BASEBALL SLIDES UNDER it and EXPLODES up into her chin. Angel Dust is lifted off her feet into the side of the carrier, BUCKLING some of its supports. NTW rolls aside. 70 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 70 And now, we get what we've been long been waiting for: THE FINAL CLOSE QUARTERS BATTLE between DEADPOOL AND AJAX. AXES vs. KATANA, TEN STORIES UP... AJAX TAKES a MIGHTY, ROARING SWING with an AXE. DEADPOOL Yowww! STEEL SINGS as AXE and KATANA meet again and again. THRUSTS. PARRIES. SPARKS FLY! THUNK! Deadpool's BLADE passes through Ajax's THIGH and pins him to a piece of wreckage. CRACK! Ajax tags Deadpool's head with the FLAT of an axe. SNAP! Ajax BREAKS the sword's blade with an AXE, not feeling anything as he slides his leg off the sword. GASP! VANESSA grits her teeth, pulls against the restraints. The thick nylon begins to tear as she saws it against the katana blade. (CONTINUED) 106. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 70 CONTINUED: 70 CLANG! AJAX wields both axes in a red blur of painted steel. Deadpool snatches up a piece of rusted RAILING from the deck, barely blocks Ajax's windmilling swings. Finally, Ajax smashes the length of rusty metal from Deadpool's hands with one axe, while the sharp CLAW END of the other buries itself in Deadpool's FOREARM. Deadpool hollers. Deadpool's red suit has torn away, and the SKULL of his TATTOO bleeds from a HOLE in its FOREHEAD. Deadpool GRITS his TEETH and YANKS the AXE from Ajax's grasp. A spinning KICK sends the second axe flying after the first. Now they're completely unarmed. AJAX Fine. Fists. DEADPOOL Sounds like your last Saturday night. (smiles) The sense of humor survived. AJAX and DEADPOOL TRADE VICIOUS PUNCHES. It's HAGLER vs. HEARNS! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Inspired, VANESSA strains against the torn nylon. RRRRIPPP! Her right wrist TEARS FREE. She uses her freed hand to start unlatching her other restraints. DEADPOOL throws short, blinding PUNCHES - rat-a-tat-tat - into AJAX's jaw. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Since you can't feel it? (holds up an INCISOR) I just knocked out your tooth. AJAX snarls, drives a SHOULDER into Deadpool, then MOUNTS him and BLUDGEONS his face with HAMMER-LIKE FISTS. DEADPOOL is starting to LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS when he turns his head to one side and spies the PUNCH-BOWL. We RACK FOCUS to VANESSA locking eyes with him from inside. Hers is an inspired... and INSPIRING look of LOVE. We hear a REPRISE of JOHN DENVER's `I WANT TO LIVE.' (CONTINUED) 107. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 70 CONTINUED: (2) 70 VANESSA pushes against the sealed door of the punchbowl with all her might. With a squeal of metal the latch breaks, the twisted metal flying off the lid as it slams open. Vanessa grabs the KATANA, jerks it free with another mighty effort. Then slides down the containers toward AJAX. With a fierce scream, she PLUNGES the blade into his KIDNEY. The blade punches through the other side but Ajax feels no pain, YANKS out the katana, and THROWS Vanessa aside violently. But it's all the opportunity Deadpool needs. He SURGES with energy and throws an THUNDEROUS UPPERCUT, BLASTING Ajax off. JOHN DENVER I want to liiiiiive! 71 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 71 Below: WHOOSH, BAM! Angel Dust ducks an exhausted Colossus's punch and KICKS him THROUGH another STEEL SUPPORT. Colossus COLLAPSES. The carrier GROANS. Angel Dust moves in for the KILL. Only out of nowhere... ...NTW strikes her in the chops and EXPLODES, sending the larger woman SMASHING into concrete with UNPRECEDENTED FORCE. Now it's Angel Dust's turn to be broken, smoking, seemingly down for the count. NTW approaches carefully to make certain it's all over... ...but Angel Dust shoots out an arm and GRABS her... DRAGS her in CLOSE... makes to SMASH her head like a walnut. ANGEL DUST C'mere, ya little bitch. NTW fights back valiantly, PUNCHING fast and hard with FLURRIES of ENERGY. Angel Dust is scorched and battered by the blows, but her adrenaline and rage SURGE. She grabs NTW around the neck, plants her into the ground... ...and begins to CHOKE the life out of her. NTW flails, cannot break Angel Dust's grip... ...but marshals her last remaining energy to live up to her name... ...and EXPLODE like an ALMIGHTY WARHEAD. BOOM! CUT WIDE to a GARGANTUAN EXPLOSION. (CONTINUED) 108. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 71 CONTINUED: 71 The ship SHAKES VIOLENTLY, then starts to LIST at a DANGEROUS ANGLE. 72 EXT. FLIGHT DECK / CONTINUOUS 72 DEADPOOL and AJAX are trading BLOWS again when the DECK SWAYS as if hit by a 9.0 EARTHQUAKE. Then with a thunderous, shuddering, groaning of metal the whole carrier begins to tilt. Loose wreckage begins to slide and tumble past. A shipping container barrels towards them and Deadpool kicks Ajax backwards, right into its path. SLAM! It plows into him and carries him with it as it disappears over the side. Deadpool scrambles and claws up the tilting floor and grabs hold of Vanessa. Deadpool looks around frantically... ...and then spies the PUNCH-BOWL, sliding toward them. Deadpool grabs the side as it slides past and throws VANESSA inside and SHUTS the LID for protection... They slam into the twisted metal railings at the bottom of the deck and hang there. Deadpool swings by one hand and stares at the scrapyard below. Huge chunks of metal slide and smash past to tumble to the ground a hundred feet below. Vanessa hangs onto Deadpool for dear life, her eyes locked on his... VANESSA If we survive this. I'm gonna kill you. DEADPOOL We have so much to catch up on. ...as the CARRIER topples in an AVALANCHE of STEEL! An EPIC collapse of SHRIEKING METAL. Flying glass. Nearly seismic booms. A mushroom CLOUD of thick, black destruction. FADE TO BLACK. 73 EXT. SCRAPYARD - RUBBLE PILE - DAY 73 Black. A crack of light appears, dust sifting down through the beam. (CONTINUED) 109. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: 73 More light, more dust and debris pattering down onto-some kind of scratched glass in front of the lens. Finally a hole of bright sky fills the frame. CUT TO: COLOSSUS vigorously TOSSING aside MASSIVE SLABS of STEEL as he digs through the wreckage, uncovering the PUNCH-BOWL, damaged, but intact. The LID CREAKS OPEN - pushed by Vanessa's TREMBLING HAND. Vanessa climbs out dazed, dusty, coughing. COLOSSUS You're OK. Take it slow. Elsewhere in the rubble pile DEADPOOL's HEAD POPS UP from some DEBRIS, again, like the Caddyshack gopher. DEADPOOL I'm good. Deadpool is just staggering to his feet when AJAX emerges from under another BEAM and TACKLES him. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) ¡Caramba! (subtitled, in YELLOW:) For heaven's sake! The impact sends them both flying, rolling, over the edge of a metal container. They fall locked together, punching and grappling. They bounce/slide down the pile of rubble. Deadpool gets the better of the grappling and lands on AJAX's CHEST. He goes to TOWN with vicious FOREARMS and ELBOWS. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Wham! Wham! Wham! BAM! BAM! BAM. Bam. You can feel Deadpool's adrenalized catharsis. Ajax tries to block-CRACK! Deadpool shatters his elbow. Ajax other fist swings round, tags Deadpool, but he catches it, wraps it tight-SNAP! Ajax finally goes limp, both arms bent in horribly wrong directions. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (thrilled/exhausted) There are no words. (CONTINUED) 110. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (2) 73 Deadpool pulls out BLIND AL's SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL and AIMS it right BETWEEN AJAX's EYES. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Me and you are headed to fix this face. Or else... Deadpool places a piece of paper onto Ajax's chest. Ajax shakes off the cobwebs and examines the paper; it's Deadpool's CRAYON DRAWING of Ajax getting his brains blown out. Ajax actually LAUGHS. AJAX Sorry. It's just. All this time, you bought that I have the cure? I'm flattered. But do I really look like the scientist type? You want the guy behind the guy. His name's Dr. Killebrew. And he's long gone. Who knows where. DEADPOOL Um. What? AJAX You heard me. DEADPOOL You mean to say, after five long years, I've been chasing the wrong monkey? AJAX Sounds even stupider when you say it. DEADPOOL Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? (chambers a round) Any last words? Good. I got one: (pulls back the hammer) Francis. COLOSSUS (O.S.) Wade! Deadpool turns to see Colossus, hands on hips, looking extra HEROIC. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD is STANDING at his SIDE. COLOSSUS (CONT'D) Four or five moments. (CONTINUED) 111. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (3) 73 DEADPOOL I'm sorry? COLOSSUS Four or five moments. That's all it takes... DEADPOOL To...? COLOSSUS Be a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice. Conquer a flaw. Save a friend. Spare an enemy. Deadpool continues to hold the pistol to Ajax's head. COLOSSUS (CONT'D) In those moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we see oursel- BOOM! OFF-SCREEN, A GUNSHOT. COLOSSUS (CONT'D) (dry-heaves again) Huuugglh! Why! REVERSE ANGLE to Deadpool, who's just shot AJAX in the head with Blind Al's SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL. DEADPOOL You were droning on! (shrugs) I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread, but at least we've heard the last of him. If wearing super-hero tights means sparing psychopaths, maybe I wasn't meant to wear `em. Not everyone monitors a hall like you. COLOSSUS Just promise- DEADPOOL I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 112. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (4) 73 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (peers between Colossus and NTW) Now if you'll excuse me. I'm just a boy... about to stand in front of a girl... and tell her- what the fuck am I gonna tell her?! CUT TO: Deadpool's P.O.V. BETWEEN Colossus and NTW of VANESSA, who's now walking quickly TOWARD him. She brushes between the two X-men and without saying a word, GRABS the fallen PISTOL and PUMPS TWO EXTRA BULLETS into Ajax's corpse. VANESSA (bang) Gratuitous. (bang) Worth it. DEADPOOL (to camera) Anyone else turned on? (to Vanessa) That's what I love about y- Vanessa promptly PUNCHES Deadpool in the face. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I totally deserved that! (gets punched again) That too! (wards off knee) Maybe not the nethers. Vanessa restrains herself, then TURNS HER BACK, overcome. VANESSA Start talking. DEADPOOL I'm so sorry. For leaving. And taking so long to cowboy up. It's been a rough few years. VANESSA (snorts, dismissive) Rough? DEADPOOL I live in a crack house. With a family of twelve. At night, we spoon for warmth. Everyone fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 113. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (5) 73 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) There's nothing we don't share. Floor space. Dental floss. Condoms. VANESSA So you live in a house! (turns to face him) DEADPOOL I woulda found you before now. But the guy behind this mask isn't the same guy you remember. VANESSA You mean this mask? Deadpool FLINCHES but doesn't STOP Vanessa from slowly, gently taking OFF his mask, revealing underneath... HUGH JACKMAN's `SEXIEST MAN ALIVE' People MAGAZINE COVER. Blood at the pierce points. Mouth/eyes cut out to make a `mask.' DEADPOOL And this one. In case the other fell off. VANESSA You mean like this? Vanessa starts PULLING OUT staples. DEADPOOL Oo. Ah. Quicker - like a Bandaid! Owww- di 5000. One last staple remains. Vanessa hesitates. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Sure? VANESSA Sure I'm sure. She PULLS it out. The photo FALLS, revealing DEADPOOL's SCARS. And two vulnerable, misty eyes. A beat. VANESSA (CONT'D) Ew. DEADPOOL (devastated) I understand. (CONTINUED) 114. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (6) 73 VANESSA (smiles) Kidding! Get over yourself! I'd hit that shit. DEADPOOL You already did. (rubs chin) Twice. Seriously? VANESSA (nods) After a brief adjustment period and one or two drinks. (smiles) It's a face... I'd be happy to sit on. Vanessa hooks Deadpool's PINKIE with HERS, PULLS him in to kiss him. DEADPOOL I'm also not the same under these pants. (whispers) Super-penis. Deadpool and Vanessa are ABOUT to kiss when... NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.) 1975 called. Deadpool realizes COLOSSUS and NTW are still standing WATCHING. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT'D) It wants its peep show back. DEADPOOL Gah! What the hell are you two still doing here?! (to Colossus) You, go clean some chalk-board erasers, or be a... really Big Brother, or teach fat kids to eat lettuce. (to NTW) And you, Chicken Noodle. Well... (freezes) I feel something stupid coming on. (bounces) Gaaaaaaahhhhhh! (CONTINUED) 115. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (7) 73 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD It's alright. (beat, tiniest of smiles) You're cool. DEADPOOL (STARES, elated) I am?! Omigod. That. Was. Not. Mean! Seriously, guys, it was a pleasure. For a second there, we felt like... like... (we expect `family') ...five mini lion robots forming a large super robot. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD There's the stupid. DEADPOOL Now, I meant it, both of you, fire up the Blackbird and shoo! Scram! Vamoose! Skedaddle! Don't make me keep thinking of these! They smile, shake their heads, and walk off. Deadpool turns back to Vanessa. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Where were we, darlin'? Oh, riiight. The best part. Deadpool KISSES Vanessa. The little kiss become a BIGGER ONE. Then... fading up from nowhere, with a slightly tinny quality... we hear WHAM!'s `CARELESS WHISPER.' Vanessa pulls back, puzzled. Deadpool raises his ANDROID. On the cracked and dirty screen, George's and Andrew's FACES beam from Wham!'s `MAKE IT BIG' album cover. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) `Wham!' As promised. The two share the longest kiss yet. DEADPOOL (V.O.) See, life can smell like Daffodil Daydream. So if you're sitting out there in your own personal Punch-Bowl. Ms. Mama June on your tongue. Find someone to hold... and someone to hold on to you. Life's next little train wreck... 116. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 74 INT. NEW WORKSHOP - DAY 74 DEADPOOL (V.O.) ..will be so much easier if you do. We find ourselves in a newer, spiffier version of the WORKSHOP, where a LAB TECHNICIAN is strapping down a new sickly VOLUNTEER/VICTIM. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Which brings us to shittiest moment number 1! The guy behind the guy, Dr. Killebrew, off scot-free. A SILHOUETTED FIGURE approaches the bed of the nervous volunteer, who smiles weakly. VOLUNTEER Can you make me better? REVERSE ANGLE to reveal whom he's talking to: the PUDGY, KINDLY-LOOKING DOCTOR WHO STROKED WADE'S HEAD IN THE WORKSHOP. He smiles, pats the volunteer's wrist. DR. KILLEBREW Better than better. DEADPOOL (V.O.) But let's look on the bright side. (sniffs) You smell what I smell? I mean besides stale popcorn and my post-fight man-funk? Dr. Killebrew holds up a syringe with a glint in his eye. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Sequel. Maybe even one of those ensemble team movies... 75 EXT. SCRAPYARD - RUBBLE PILE - DAY 75 DEADPOOL and Vanessa MAKE OUT LIKE CRAZY, LONG AND HARD. We slowly PULL BACK until they look SMALL against the toppled hulk of the COMBAT CARRIER. DEADPOOL (V.O.) So, `til next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy saying... I'm never gonna dance again... the way I danced with you. WHAM BELTS OUT `CARELESS WHISPER' as we ROLL CREDITS. 117. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 V76 INT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY - POST CREDIT SEQUENCE V76 A hallway of a suburban home. DEADPOOL enters in a maroon and gray striped robe. DEADPOOL (short version) You're still here? It's over! Go home. Wait... you expected a tease for Deadpool 2?! Sorry, we're low on dough. But if you can keep a secret, I can tell you who's gonna be in it. Cable! Someone suggested Mel Gibson for the role, buuuut- I was thinking Liam Neeson. Only problem, Liam likes to get paid. And more for Liam means less for me. Maybe we'll crowdfund the shit. Just you and me, kids. Shalom! DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (long version) You're still here? It's over! Go home. Wait... you expected a tease for Deadpool 2?! Maybe a little Samuel L. Jackson? Sorry, that budget went to Weasel's Ketamine habit. But if you can keep a secret, I can tell you who's gonna be in it. Cable! You're allowed to show your pleasure. I'd love Liam Neeson for the role, but Liam likes to get paid. And more for Liam means less for me. So we'd best crowdfund the shit. Depending on your level of giving, you could receive a Colossus-brand desktop steel-ball clacker, a Dwayne `The Rock' Johnson real doll, or four minutes alone in a room with Charlie Sheen. Donate now! And shalom! SMASH CUT TO BLACK: DEADPOOL (O.S.) (CONT'D) (a la Ferris) Boom, boom, chicka chickah...
DEAR WHITE PEOPLE Written by Justin Simien REVISED: August 21st, 2013 1 NEWS BROADCAST - VARIOUS SCREENS, VARIOUS PLACES 1 ANCHOR A "race war" has erupted at one of the nation's oldest and most prestigious institutions. Glued to this are our story's subjects, who we meet in... 2 A SERIES OF SHOTS 2 TROY FAIRBANKS, 21, Black. He drags a brush through his finger waves anxiously. The look of guilt is the only mark of imperfection in his privileged and chiseled demeanor. ANCHOR (O.S.) Outrage over an "African American Themed" party organized by predominately white students of Manchester University has resulted in rioting and property damages. 2A KURT FLETCHER, 21, white. No sympathy in his jaded blue 2A eyes as he watches on an iPad in a lavish parlor room. ANCHOR (O.S.) (CONT'D) Guests were invited to "liberate their inner Negro, fry up chicken, enjoy a sugar water concoction known as Purple drank and wear oversized Barack Obama T-shirts." 2B COLANDREA CONNERS (COCO), 20, Black with blue contacts 2B adjusts the straight bangs of her weave to better see the small TV in her dorm. A smirk on her glossy pink lips. * ANCHOR (CONT'D) Officials claim an investigation is underway to find those responsible for the event and subsequent riot. 2C SAMANTHA WHITE (SAM) 21, records the broadcast in an 2C edit bay. Despite her light skin, the Afro pick in her fro pompadour leaves little doubt she identifies as Black. ANCHOR (CONT'D) In an effort to address diversity issues, the school appointed African American scholar Dr. Walter Fairbanks as Dean of Students. 2D LIONEL HIGGINS, 20, Black, watches through dark rimmed 2D glasses in a bustling indifferent Dining Hall. A guilt pains his otherwise boyish face. 2. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Last year the Dean's office celebrated slight gains in diverse applicants but with many now calling for Fairbanks' resignation, that may have been pre-mature. 2E DEAN WALTER FAIRBANKS, a well adorned Black man in his 2E 50's fights a panic as he watches in a stately office. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Up next, a cat that loves to water ski? That and more after the break. DEAN FAIRBANKS How could this happen? TITLE CARD: FIVE WEEKS AGO 3 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 3 This sprawling impressive mix of Colonial, Gothic and Modern architecture is presented like a living brochure. SUPERIMPOSE: MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - "NOSCE TE IPSUM" As we cut through the living brochure, we're presented with groups and programs. Their CRESTS and titles SUPERIMPOSED. SERIES OF SHOTS - TOP ACADEMIC PROGRAMS 3A White kids with "Trump" blazers and glares - DESMOND 3A SCHOOL OF BUSINESS. 3B Kids with dark eye circles and unkempt hair stand before 3B the BING SCHOOL OF HISTORY. 3C A cluster of skinny jeans and expressive hands before the 3C GOODMAN MEDIA SCHOOL. ONE BLACK KID stands in the back. SAM (V.O.) Dear White People. The minimum requirement of Black friends needed to not seem racist has just been raised to two. 4 INT. STUDIO BOOTH - DAY 4 Samantha White (Sam) watches the campus through a one way window with the cool but knowing gaze of someone much older. She gets off on sensing and pushing buttons - with a subversive delivery style that boarders on deadpan. SUPERIMPOSE: SAMANTHA WHITE, SENIOR, VISUAL AND NEW MEDIA 3. SAM (CONT'D) Sorry, but your weed man Tyrone does not count. She fades in JAZZ on her control board and leans back to address a box of pamphlet sized books bearing the title "EBONY AND IVY: A SURVIVAL GUIDE." One by one she scribbles her autograph on the books. 5 EXT. ELLINGTON LIBRARY - DAY 5 SERIES OF SHOTS - NATIONALLY RENOWNED STUDENT GROUPS Disheveled caffeinated writers of the MANCHESTER BUGLE. 5A Casual Prepsters shoot us the finger - PASTICHE HUMOR INC. 5A 5B Hopping out of a taxi is Lionel Higgins. His sweet but 5B insecure nature as plain as the unkempt fro on his head. SUPERIMPOSE: LIONEL HIGGINS, JUNIOR, PHILOSOPHY UNDECLARED STUDENTS shove past him - one even slaps a flyer into his already full hands. Lionel's a guppy. The kind that gets eaten alive in a tank of sharks. As Lionel gets to the door of a large Colonial style home he checks his pockets. He's missing something. Shit. LIONEL (knocking) Kurt! You home? Lionel dials on his cell and we hear the PHONE RING from inside. Voicemail pops on with a voice other than Lionel's. ANSWERING MACHINE Hey boyssss, you've reached Lionel Higginsss, the only bitch on campussss who'll give you a dickssscount. That's right hunty, the bigger the dick the less you'll have to pay me to ssssuck it. The beep sounds. Lionel's in shock. Should he hang up? Or... LIONEL Kurt. It's Lionel. I'm locked out. As Lionel slides down the length of the door into a sit he unfolds the flyer he was just handed. It's a rendering of Sam White on a carton of milk with the caption: "MISSING BLACK CULTURE - SAM WHITE TO BRING IT BLACK" 4. 6 EXT. MANCHESTER ROW - DAY 6 Signs scream out "ORIENTATION" as jazz music wafts from the laptops of a group of NEO BEATNIKS. As the music fades... SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, apparently Morgan Freeman in "Deep Impact" wasn't enough. Despite two terms Obama could cure Cancer and somewhere White folks will be embroiled in protest. And he's only half Black. GABE, 24, white and ruggedly handsome in spite of his shaggy hair and "laundry day" flip flop clad ensemble, catches the end of this as he passes - grabs his cell phone and dials... 7 INT. STUDIO BOOTH - DAY 7 ...Sam presses a button next to a red light on her controls. SAM Talk to me. INTERCUT with Gabe walking about on campus. GABE What would you say if someone started a Dear Black People? SAM (recognizing the voice) No need. Mass media from Fox News to reality tv on VH1 makes it clear what white people think of us. 8 EXT. MANCHESTER COURT - DAY 8 SERIES OF SHOTS - POPULAR RESIDENCE HALLS Manchester's white and rich elite before BECHET HOUSE. 8A Athletes of many disciplines before WEBSTER HOUSE. 8A 8B An eclectic group of Black students with some Latinos and 8B a sprinkling of whites before ARMSTRONG / PARKER HOUSE. COCO (V.O.) I'm fucking pissed... 5. 11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 Colandrea Conners (Coco) trains her unnaturally blue eyes right at us from a Youtube page pulled up on an iPad. She's got an entitled air about her. Even her cusses sound erudite. COCO (YOUTUBE) ...I am! The whole point of randomized housing is to mix shit up. I'm out here trying to find the Olivier to my Halle Berry, and they've got me looking like an extra on a Different World... The video ends with a click. Looking up is HELMUT WEST, a 30's something Black man in dark rimmed glasses and trendy everything. Too stylish for this place. If he's impressed, it's barely perceptible. HELMUT You call your Youtube show "Doing Time at an Ivy League?" He stares right at Coco, there in the flesh. COCO In my second year of a four year sentence. Wanted to go to New York. SUPERIMPOSE: COLANDREA COCO CONNERS, SOPHOMORE, ECONOMICS HELMUT Yeah? And do what? COCO Things my mama taught me not to. You know get in a lot of trouble and become famous for it. But alas I didn't get into Tisch... HELMUT Armstrong / Parker? That your rooming assignment? COCO Traditionally it's where the hopelessly Afrocentric gather to process their guilt over not going to an HBCU. (off Helmut's look) Where the Negros be at. HELMUT That's not where you want to be? 6. COCO Bechet House is more my style. HELMUT With the rich white kids. COCO Excuse me? HELMUT What part of Chicago you from? COCO Hyde Park. HELMUT What street? COCO Seventy Eighth and -- HELMUT -- Seventy Eighth is Southside sweetheart. And you know what they say. You can take the girl out the hood but -- COCO -- Ain't nothing hood about me. HELMUT Thanks so much for coming in. Coco gets up to leave. Tries to recover. COCO So what's this show about anyway? HELMUT Here's the way reality works sweetheart, I'm the producer. I ask the questions. Be in touch. And with that Helmut hustles Coco out. He sits and ponders before unmuting his iPad. SAM (O.S.) Dear White People I am here to burst your post-racial little bubble. (MORE) 7. SAM (O.S.) (CONT'D) Yes Oprah may have her own network, but Ann Coulter is still writing best sellers, Black kids are still getting shot for wearing hoodies, and even here the few vestiges of Black culture are under attack by conservative groups, trustees and yes our very own President Fletcher. Helmut double checks his app fighting a genuine grin. HELMUT This is the school radio? 13 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER HALL - DAY 13 A pristine pair of Retro Jordans make their way through the halls of Armstrong / Parker where Black students have lively debates, flirt and bump the student radio. SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, thanks to the new process of randomizing housing assignments for Sophomores, some of you may be jarred by an assignment to Armstrong/Parker house. The owner of the Jordans is revealed as Troy Fairbanks. TROY Someone turn that trash off. SUPERIMPOSE: TROY FAIRBANKS, SENIOR, POLITICAL SCIENCE Even with his post workout sweat he looks like the cover of Jet. Troy exudes "approachable homie" as he spots a small group of WHITE SOPHOMORES who walk timidly down the hall. TROY (CONT'D) Newbies right? The white sophomores nod their heads yes. TROY (CONT'D) Welcome to Armstrong / Parker, home of the dopest dining hall in all of Manchester. I'm Troy, Head of House. SOPHOMORE What's up my brother? 8. SAM (O.S.) When encountering a Black person try and stay calm. Don't say things like "what's up" and "my brotha" That's not how you normally talk. TROY Ya'll take care. Nice Jordan's bro. Coco and SOFIA FLETCHER, a dewy-eyed, pink lipped brunette who exudes a kind of sexy boredom saunter down the halls. SOFIA Your hair is so cute B. T. Dubs. COCO You're so cute. SOFIA Is it weaved? Coco's face is a battle between fury and polite surprise. SOFIA (CONT'D) I saw "Good Hair" in Afro studies. COCO (moving on) Hey what house did you get? SOFIA Huh? Oh Bechet bitch. COCO Of course. The mere thought of a Fletcher anywhere else... SOFIA Easy, it was the luck of the draw. Daddy had nothing to do with it. Coco rolls her eyes behind a smile. SOFIA (CONT'D) And honestly, if I had to pick anywhere to be it'd be here. Sofia eyes the delicious morsels of chocolate boys about. COCO I'm down to switch if you are. You get your Denzel. I get my Gosling. 9. SOFIA Oh I got mines. Want to meet him? They turn the corner to spot Troy greeting more new Sophomores. Coco's caught off guard by his looks. COCO Cute... (off Sofia's jealous glance) ...for a Black boy. Troy sees Sofia and flashes his trademark grin. They kiss. SOFIA Hey boo. This is my friend Coco. She's new to the house. TROY Hey I'm Troy. Welcome to Armstrong / Parker, home of the dopest -- SOFIA -- Are we on duty? TROY Head of House is always on duty. COCO Nice to meet you. I should get settled. Thanks Sof! Sofia and Troy smile as Coco turns to go - and continue down the hallway. Coco sneaks one last glance at Troy's ass. TROY Think I got time for a quick cut? SOFIA You got it cut last week. TROY It's a Black thing babe. SOFIA Since when is OCD a Black thang? TROY Don't say "thang" like that. SOFIA Besides you've got a shift at the Politicos booth, then a shift at Orientation, then your advisor -- 10. TROY -- I'll just wear a hat. SOFIA Then a movie maybe? Just us? TROY Election night. Babe, come on. Sofia holds her tongue. Troy ignores this as he spots... TROY (CONT'D) Yo, Kurt my man. 14 DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 14 ...Kurt Fletcher - flanked by guys who share his cynical knowing glare. We recognize them from the "Pastiche" portrait from before. As they chow down on Mac & Cheese in the Dining Hall - Kurt's glare burns particularly hot towards Troy who waves at him. KURT Sis. Sofia smiles at her brother Kurt. Troy covers the sting of his dismissal. They both spot Sam's "Missing: Black culture" flyers. TROY Is she kidding with this? SOFIA You don't have to run again. Just because it's her doesn't mean -- TROY -- I can't let Sam and her wannabe Black Panthers take the House. The House needs me. This is who I am. SOFIA It's who he wants you to be. Troy smiles over his irritation. This is an old fight. TROY Oh so you pick up a Psych class you think you Freud or something? Huh? SOFIA A Freud reference. Sophisticated. 11. TROY (seducing) Fine Beck, Jung, Maslow... Troy gets a kiss out of her as they pass a booth featuring stacks of Sam's "EBONY & IVY." The booth is manned by REGGIE, 21, Black - his fro top and preppy punk attire is both bohemian and radical. Troy glares at Sam's picture on the book. It's on. There's a history between Sam and Troy. Off Reggie's laptop we hear... SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, this just in. Dating a Black person to piss off your parents is a form of racism. Sofia walks off as Troy hears snickers from around him. REGGIE Yo Troy I forget. Is your major in shucking or was it jiving? TROY My major's in Jive. Minoring in Shuck. You're still majoring in trying to fuck my left overs right? Troy walks off as Reggie and Kurt watch him join Sofia. SOFIA You need a shower. 15 INT. TROY'S BATHROOM - DAY 15 Water runs while Troy takes a hit of weed from a pipe over the toilet. He blows the smoke out an open window through a paper towel tube with a dryer sheet attached to its end. He jots something down on a notepad as he whispers... TROY You went from ODB to Trey Songz... 16 INT. ARMSTRONG/PARKER DINING HALL - NIGHT 16 The hall is packed with STUDENTS - stylish and mostly Black. Helmut West watches from the back. TROY Artie, you know your success ratio with the ladies went up like thirty percent after I started edging you up dog, come on. You went from ODB to Trey Songz! 12. The audience is in STITCHES at this last line. Everyone except Sam, Reggie and their crew of afro'd bohemian disciples (who we'll call the BOFROS). Sam records the proceedings with a vintage Super 8 camera. REGGIE That's his platform? Haircuts? SAM Oofta is as Oofta does. Coco, sneaks through the door. She's got the eyes of Helmut on her. What is he doing here? As Coco breaks eye contact she sits in the only open spot next to... SAM (CONT'D) Just because we're colored don't mean we run on colored people time. COCO Boycotting hot combs don't make you an expert on "colored people" boo. Coco wafts her silky hair over her shoulders and sits. TROY No but seriously, I care about you guys. I care about this house. We had a great year last year and if it ain't broke... Troy basks in his applause. Coco eats him up with her eyes. Sam doesn't want to get up - her breathing gets heavier. REGGIE Just pretend like you're in the booth. Just you and the mic. SAM Hate this shit. As Sam gets up and passes Troy -- TROY You really think you can take this from me? SAM Troy we live in a world where there's a Big Momma's House 3. I don't have a chance in hell. Thank God. 13. Sam grabs the mic. Her voice shakes before the silent crowd. SAM (CONT'D) Troy my brother, it's broke. The BoFros cheer and make noise on each line. SAM (CONT'D) Troy's a legacy kid. And yet it's under his watch that Armstrong / Parker, the bastion of Black culture here was gutted. By the Randomization of Housing Act. Second years of color no longer have a say in where they go. The culture that's been fostered in this house for two decades will be wiped out in two years. Troy looks to see if the speech is working. As Sam warms up -- SAM (CONT'D) This wasn't motivated by a desire to mix things up. Bring about racial and socioeconomic harmony. No, the Black kids are sitting together in the proverbial cafeteria and they must be up to no good. Coco's eyes are in the back of her head. SAM (CONT'D) We sit together to protect ourselves. Over a century of houses grouped by sports affiliations, political leanings, majors, you name it. Black folks get their own house, suddenly we got a problem? Students look at each other stunned. Are they turning? Sam delivers the next one directly at Sofia and Troy. SAM (CONT'D) This Act doesn't affect the other houses like it does ours. There are plenty of trustees, former coaches, and presidents watching out for the others. All we have is a Dean who'd rather please his massa -- TROY -- Yo that's enough of that Sam -- 14. SAM -- then stand up for his own. Look, I know ya'll ain't voting for me. Ya'll ain't ready and I didn't come here for that. The Black Student Union and I have brought a petition to repeal the Randomization of Housing Act. I plan on bringing it to the President and together we can bring Black back to Manchester. It'll be by the door. Sam sits as claps trickle from the crowd. The BoFros go crazy - give her daps and all sorts of praise. MARTIN, 20, a gentle erudite giant of a football player with neat braids tucked under a Fedora raises a hand. MARTIN I assume everyone has the app I created by now? REGGIE (aside) It's a child's app... MARTIN Good. Voting may commence. Everyone takes out smart phones. Reggie hides his from view as he punches something in. Troy spots the white Sophomores he greeted from before who give him a head nod. Troy's got this. After a moment... MARTIN (CONT'D) Okay. Looks like we've got ourselves a winner. (devastated) Sam White? The blood drains from Sam's face and Troy's smile plummets into the floor as the two turn to look at each other. TROY & SAM Oh shit. Reggie's grin is from ear to ear as Helmut walks over and slips a card to a still stunned Sam. Coco watches him go. 17 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT 17 Right on the heels of Helmut's exit is... 15. COCO So that's what you're looking for? HELMUT I'm looking for good TV sister. COCO I think I'd be good TV. HELMUT You're at a great school, getting a great education. Be good at that. COCO I am. And when I graduate early with an Economics degree from Manchester it will be the crowning achievement of my Black middle class parents' ambitions. HELMUT Conflict is a commodity in my industry. Sam's got it. Do you? COCO So you want me to start a fight. HELMUT (exactly) I don't want you to do anything you wouldn't otherwise do. Helmut hands her his card. A fire sparks in Coco as he exits. He contemplates her. Fights a growing smile. 18 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY 18 A fireplace rages behind Lionel who stares at the floor while the message plays over speaker phone. SPEAKER ...bigger the dick the less you'll have to pay me to ssssuck it. Dean Fairbank's mind ticks away behind a concerned glare. DEAN FAIRBANKS Most everything's locked up, but we'll find another residence to move you to. Third time's a charm. (off Lionel's sigh) What about Armstrong / Parker? 16. LIONEL I don't know... DEAN FAIRBANKS I might have an opening. Maybe it'd be good to be around...you know. LIONEL Dean. The worst thing about high school, and believe me it was a long list, were the Black kids. DEAN FAIRBANKS Maybe it's in your head. Sure, sometimes our folks can be intolerant around people like you. Homo -- LIONEL -- I don't believe in labels. Fairbanks just smiles. This is a sore spot and he backs off. Lionel glares up at a poster above Fairbank's desk: Students of all races on the steps of Ellington Library including Troy with the phrase "MANCHESTER: WHERE YOU BELONG" printed below. Troy's huge smile seems to mock him. DEAN FAIRBANKS You like jazz Lionel? Manchester's like jazz you know. LIONEL This is a research school. DEAN FAIRBANKS And jazz is tension. The interplay of improvised solos all creating one song. Your problem is you've got no instrument. No major, no affiliations, no solo son. LIONEL I submit articles to the Independent Observer. DEAN FAIRBANKS No one reads the Independent Observer, my point is are you playing swing or bebop? LIONEL You're mixing metaphors. 17. DEAN FAIRBANKS Are you a sax or are you a trumpet? LIONEL I hate jazz. Fairbanks checks his watch. All out of ideas. DEAN FAIRBANKS I'll do what I can. Not a word of this in the Observer okay? LIONEL What's it matter? No one reads it. 19 EXT. MANCHESTER - DAY 19 Lionel walks alone through the buzzing campus. He looks out to.. ...a group of BLACK KIDS. He sees a version of himself amongst them - his hair a finger waved Ceasar fade, as he trades "No Homo's" with the others. Lionel shakes it off. Peers over to a group of out and proud gay kids and sees a version of himself amongst them - his hair straightened and coifed in a fitted shirt laughing. Not right either. Where does he fit? By surprise... GEORGE Lionel right? GEORGE PIERCE, 24, an intellectual whose tattooed quotes from Nietzsche peek out seductively from under his button up. GEORGE (CONT'D) George. We had Civ last semester? How you doing? LIONEL Grood...Gate...I'm ah.. GEORGE Fan of your stuff. In the Observer? LIONEL No one reads the Observer. GEORGE You seen this? George hands Lionel Sam's "Missing Black Culture" flyer. 18. GEORGE (CONT'D) The residents of Armstrong / Parker just made her head of house. Am I crazy or is there a there there? LIONEL What made you come over here? George holds up Sam's "Ebony & Ivy." Lionel takes it. LIONEL (CONT'D) I mean I'm glad you came -- GEORGE -- My staff? God bless them. They're whiter than Michael Jackson's kids. We're fucked if anyone of them writes this story and I will not let the transfers at the Gazette do it first. LIONEL The oldest one has his face. GEORGE You're in the Black Student Union. You probably know Sam. Lionel shakes his head "yes" and "no" at the same time. GEORGE (CONT'D) You come up with a good angle? I want it in the Bugle. Lionel eyes the bold "Bugle" logo on George's shirt. LIONEL (aside) Trumpet... GEORGE Bugle. Focus. The only paper on campus with a national subscription base and an Advisor from the New York Times? Only so many ways a person can distinguish themselves at a place like this Lionel. You're good. You belong with us. The way Lionel fights the smile creeping up his face - we know he's never heard these words. Never belonged any place. Doesn't hurt there's a handsome boy smiling at him either. 19. 20 INT. ARMSTRONG/PARKER DINING HALL - DAY 20 Troy and Sam sit across from each other at a table. Their opposite facing laptops and a world of tension put a wall between them. TROY Get it yet? Sam shakes her head yes. TROY (CONT'D) Good. You've now got the shared calendar, contacts, and official email. Troy throws a smirk her way before pulling out a thick stack of papers. TROY (CONT'D) Oh and before I forget. SAM Event requests for the year? TROY Just this month. They need your approval. Also don't forget to pick your office hours. At least 20 per week. SAM That's absurd. TROY You're in charge of a hundred residents now. And they need time to complain to your face. About noise. Leaky pipes. Gluten free options in the cafeteria. Etcetera. SAM Troy. I didn't think I was going to win. TROY And by the way petitioning the President on the Randomization of Housing Act isn't gonna do shit. None of the other houses are concerned. 20. SAM Because they all have a legacy of rich and powerful allies on the board who will make sure that "random" works out to their advantage. TROY And you think a petition is going to change that? Troy gets up to leave as Reggie sits - suspicious. Sam's phone buzzes: "MOM." The letters chill Sam to the core. 21 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER - DAY 21 Lionel steps his way through the hall, a deer in headlights with a notepad. He flips through Sam's "EBONY & IVY" book... SAM (V.O.) The Armstrong / Parker dining hall is the epicenter of Black culture as it stands at Manchester. Only here can you commiserate, celebrate and discuss everything from Kanye West lyrics to theoretical relativism all in one sitting. Not to mention find someone who can actually do your hair. ARMSTRONG / PARKER DINING HALL - CONTINUOUS Lionel enters and takes a place in a line. He absorbs this lively and somewhat alien dining hall. Troy now holds court near the windows at a table of eight or so friends including Martin and SUNGMI, a lip ringed Korean art major. MARTIN "We wuz robbed." That election was suspect man. Martin glares at Reggie and his giant souped-up Laptop. Sam breaks this by sitting back down - her phone call ending. SAM You call me the minute there's an update. Love you too mom. Sam hangs up. The call's really put her in a bad place. She sits at a table of her Bofros - who we'll name by their hair. 21. CURLS There is one other sister in my Relativity class, I'll be damned if our professor doesn't call me Laretta every God damn time. DREADS We all look the same. REGGIE Programming professor gets me and Martin here mixed up constantly. MARTIN You should be so lucky. Reggie glances over at Martin's Mac Air. REGGIE Cute. You get that at Toys R Us? Sam pulls out her Mac and her student ID card. REGGIE (CONT'D) You still using your ID number? SAM I always forget passwords. REGGIE You are begging to get hacked. SAM Good thing the one evil techno- genius thinking like that is on my side. Sam pushes aside all the paperwork on her table. SAM (CONT'D) So this is what the revolution looks like? Office hours and paperwork. Sam pulls her camera out - starts to shoot the room. REGGIE Winning was a happy accident. We want the reform repealed right? CURLS Means to an end, sister. 22. Sam feels the heat of her disciples' eyes on her as the topic of the day rages on with the entrance of Coco, who sits with a group of well manicured hot-ironed group of girls, white and Black. COCO The talented tenth always has to bust its ass a little bit harder, but I don't see the benefit in blaming white folks for everything. CURLS Who's blaming? TROY I don't see the issue. I never had one. Never ran into any lynch mobs. Lionel takes a seat alone facing the action. Kurt and crew enter with plates of mac and cheese and sit in the heart of the conversation. Lionel avoids eye contact. SAM Lynch mob is still there. Just re- branded itself. TROY As what pray tell? REGGIE The Republican party. SAM Want to know how this world sees you? Go to a Young Republican's meeting and bring up Welfare. SUNGMI Or Immigration. LIONEL (aside) Or gay equality. KURT Bullshit. MARTIN I agree. Got something to add? KURT The biggest athletes, movie stars, hell your president is Black. (MORE) 23. KURT (CONT'D) Sometimes I think the hardest thing to be in the American work force right now is an educated white guy. SUNGMI You're not serious. KURT You guys still got affirmative action, you're set. REGGIE This shit. SAM What are you doing in here? KURT Obama. Leader of the free world got into Harvard on affirmative action. Know who's not president right now? The guy that didn't get in. SAM On behalf of the colored folks in the room, let me apologize for all the better qualified white students whose place we're taking up. Kurt chuckles - a bit turned on by the argument. SAM (CONT'D) You get lost? Bechet is that way. KURT Yeah but what other dining hall gives you chicken and waffles? Dear White People right? Funny stuff. How haven't we staffed you yet? SAM On Pastiche? Your uninspired humor magazine? KURT We're a lot more than a magazine sweetie. SNL staff is basically half Lampoon, half Pastiche. Just like the network comedies. A flash of envy comes over Troy and Coco. 24. SAM What gives you Clubhouse kids the right to come to our Dining Hall? Kurt eats an exaggerated scoop of mac and cheese. SAM (CONT'D) You don't live here. MARTIN Sam? What are you doing? SAM You can't eat here. Kurt eyes this new adversary. Enjoys a good challenge. TROY Chill Sam damn. Let the man-- KURT & SAM -- I got this. KURT Who are you to put me out? SAM (realizing) I'm the Head of this house. And I'm doing things my way. Sam shoots this last one to Martin. Kurt rolls his eyes to which Sam slams his tray to the ground. Lionel scribbles down notes furiously on a notepad. KURT You got any idea who you're -- SAM -- Yeah, I know who your daddy is. The same one who's been pushing to break up this House for a decade. What's wrong? Is he scared letting the Negroes gather in groups might start a rebellion on the plantation? You tell him from me...he should be. Kurt looks into Sam's eyes and then his crew. They want out. KURT Bad move. 25. Kurt leads his crew out of the dining hall drawing a slight snicker from Lionel which draws Sam's eyes right to him. Something sparks in Lionel. He takes out his phone and texts to GEORGE: "I've got the angle. I'm in." SAM You too. LIONEL Me? SAM Is this your house? Lionel sinks - the eyes of everyone in the room on him. Sam sits back down as a trickle of claps grow to a steady applause. Troy and his table look around baffled. By the caution on Sam's face it seems the first time she's ever heard this sound directed at her. A slight envy boils in Coco. One last look to the room from Lionel before he slips out. Locked out again. 23 INT. COCO'S ROOM - DAY 23 Coco scrolls Sam's "Dear White People" Youtube page. 75K Subscribers. She presses play on the latest video. SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, stop dancing. Two seconds. 600K views. COCO The fuck? Coco exits and opens her own "TIME AT AN IVY LEAGUE" page. 2K subscribers. Her latest video is at 10K views. Alright... She presses record. Let's the camera rest on her briefly... COCO (CONT'D) Muffins. I hate to do it, but Imma have to get real Black with you. (comes to mind) So the other day, a girl had the nerve to fix her mouth and ask me if my hair was weaved. (after a moment) Weaved. Weaved bitch? (MORE) 26. COCO (CONT'D) First of all if you're going to fix your mouth to ask me something like that, say it right please? It's weave. Noun. Present tense. Second of all don't assume just because you see a sister with some hair it's a weave. Is it? Clearly. If a bitch could grow straight Indian hair directly out her own head I wouldn't have just overdrafted my account paying for this shit but that ain't your business. Are those your lips sweetie? Sweet heart is that really your skin? These white girls and these tans I swear to God, they're starting to look darker than me. Coco pauses it. Her mouse hovers over the check box next to "private." Instead she plays it back...and hits "publish." She clicks back through to Sam's last video and hits "reply." As the red light on her computer's web cam turns green... COCO (CONT'D) Dear White People. What do I think about it? 24 INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY 24 Sam with arms folded watches as Gabe (Sam's caller from earlier) presses play on a DVD. Horrified students watch... ...a Black and white 1920's style silent movie, complete with Dialogue Cards and dramatic PIANO MUSIC. SERIES OF SHOTS - ON THE SCREEN A) OBAMA speaks at a debate B) DIALOGUE CARD: "We are the change that we seek." C) A FAMILY in white-face go ape-shit D) DIALOGUE CARD: "HE'S READING OFF A TELEPROMPTER!!!!!!" E) More intercut footage of Obama speaking with actors in white-face reacting. Until... F) DIALOGUE CARD: OBAMA WINS A SECOND TERM! G) A WHITE-FACE CROWD goes nuts in the streets - scream into camera - loot buildings and shoot themselves in the head. 27. H) Dialogue Card: "FIN" PROFESSOR BODKIN, late 40s, with a "seen it all before" demeanor hides a grin and lets the room settle. PROFESSOR BODKIN Okay. Does anyone have any comments for Sam's "Rebirth of a Nation?" All of the kids are too scared to comment. Except... PROFESSOR BODKIN (CONT'D) Gabe, go ahead. GABE I dig the "silent movie" thing, but it's a little self-congratulatory. Light on story and frankly thematically dubious. PROFESSOR BODKIN Okay. Anybody else? SAM What? SAME PLACE - MOMENTS LATER As students filter out of the class... PROFESSOR BODKIN Sam? SAM Before you say anything might I remind you that I sat through Birth of A Nation, Gone With The Wind, and Tarantino week without protest. PROFESSOR BODKIN And might I remind you that I read all fifteen pages of your unsolicited essay on why Gremlins is actually about suburban white fear of Black culture. SAM The Gremlins are loud, talk in slang, are addicted to fried chicken and freak out when you get their hair wet. 28. PRESIDENT BODKIN My only problem with your movie is that it was late. The silent projects were last semester Sam. You were supposed to have emailed your sound treatment over Summer. SAM I've been getting footage. PROFESSOR BODKIN This is your senior thesis Sam, where the hell is your head at? SAM I've got Radio, BSU, this Head of House thing -- PROFESSOR BODKIN -- Do you want this? Cause if not, don't waste my time here -- Sam pulls out the Super 8 camera from her satchel. SAM -- Look this thing might as well be my right hand Professor. I was busy this summer that's all. PROFESSOR BODKIN With everything but your major? While your peers are taking internships, making short films... SAM My dad. He's sick. Had to go home. PROFESSOR BODKIN If you need some time off, take it. But if you want to make it to next semester -- SAM -- I do -- PROFESSOR BODKIN -- Pull it together. This is Manchester. Sam wants this. It's in her eyes as she holds her tongue. 25 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 25 Sam exits the theater and spots Gabe talking to some guys. 29. SAM Thematically dubious? GABE Well what was that supposed to be about exactly? SAM You're thematically dubious! Gabe rolls his eyes and catches up with her. SAM (CONT'D) Since when do TA's give critiques? GABE You invoke Minstrelsy for shock value, but to what end? SAM To invoke the same feeling I get when I turn on the TV and see some so-called reality star shuck and jive for ratings egged on by no doubt white producers. Or the sassy Black secretary with no backstory or character development aside from their skin color. GABE So it's a tit for tat? * EXT. GOODMAN MEDIA SCHOOL 2 - DAY * SAM * You're honestly saying that art * can't be reactionary? * GABE * You're reacting to a work made * almost a hundred years ago. * SAM * Yes because fear of Black men being * involved in the United States * Government is a completely * antiquated concept. No social * relevance whatsoever today. * GABE * Frankly I just think sometimes its * better to hold a mirror up to your * audience than to drop an * ideological piano over their head. * 30. SAM * Frankly I just think works that * deal with the African Diaspora * through a post-modern lens are * outright rejected unless they're * handled by a white artist. * GABE * African Diaspora? Really? * 26 INT. DAVIS HOUSE - DAY 26 The war rages as the two continue up a fleet of stairs. SAM Blackface is alive and well in our culture. Who primarily buys hip hop? Watches Housewives of Atlanta? The same homogenized images of Black people over and over again? White people Gabe. GABE Who goes to see Tyler Perry movies? SAM We're an underfed community. None of this changes the fact that the vibrancy, the complexity of Black culture has been distilled into commodities and marketing schemes to be bought and sold-- GABE --to the detriment of the so called "real thing." Got it. And into a room... INT. GABE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Gabe slams the door. SAM I am indistinguishable from the so called "urban" images used to amuse and market to white America. GABE And the commodification of culture is uniquely oppressive to Black people? 31. Sam nods fervently as Gabe grabs and unbuttons her jeans. GABE (CONT'D) So when Kanye raps about Louis V and Rolexes and Classical Art, exactly what exploited pocket of Black America are those references being mined from? Sam can't get her shirt off fast enough. SAM On your knees. Gabe kneels below frame as Sam closes her eyes in ecstacy. CUT TO BLACK. 27A INT. GABE'S ROOM - EVENING 27A Sam's eyes pop open - a startled scream escapes her lips. She's surprised at first to see Gabe beside her in bed, the outside spoon. They're both naked. Her pompadour frayed. GABE What? You dream in "Cosby" again? SAM My hair was so straight. My sweater so big. I told you about that? Sam's phone buzzes. Gabe grabs it and sees Reggie's photo pop up. He swallows his envy and hands it to Sam. She doesn't answer. Silence as it hits her voicemail. GABE Hey so...this whole "Head of House" thing. Congrats? SAM Yeah, it's...it's. GABE Weird, right? Never took you as a student politician... Reggie's photo again - New Voicemail. A regret in Sam's eyes. SAM Yeah, well... Sam rolls out of bed. Gabe thinks twice before he asks it. 32. GABE Sam? What are we doing? She badly wants to give him the answer he wants. Instead... SAM Fucking. 28 INT. STUDIO BOOTH - DAY 28 Reggie stares at Sam with stars in his eyes as she effortlessly addresses the campus in between bits of jazz. SAM (V.O.) Dear White People. Please stop touching my hair. 29 INT. GARMIN CLUB HOUSE - DAY 29 Lionel at an ancient oak dining room table listens to the broadcast over his laptop. Makes studious notations... SAM (V.O.) Does this look like a petting zoo to you? Lionel gets an IM: "George: Hey handsome, how's the story?" To which Lionel writes: "Going great sexy." Lionel deletes "sexy" and replaces it with ":)" before hitting send. 29A BAR DIVIDE 29A Across from Lionel is Kurt flanked by his eager but self conscious right hand GORDON - and MITCH, swagged out varsity crew captain and connoisseur of all things Black culture. They wear "PASTICHE" gear, hunch over a glowing iPad and scroll through a series of student group photos in the Yearbook. Kurt stares off into space, turns up the GANGSTA RAP playing from a nearby blue tooth speaker. Kurt pours shots of Jack which Gordon eyes with caution. GORDON Kurt it's three. MITCH Y.O.L.O. my nigga! Everyone takes the shot. 33. GORDON We don't even have our new staff yet. Why are we planning this? KURT Everyone wants to be on our staff that's the easy part. MITCH We're going to make staff bids on Game Night, and the RSVP's are through the roof for that. KURT Yeah but Halloween is our premiere party. The waitlist is already a hundred deep and it's going to take a lot to outdo this summer. MITCH Cinco de Mayo was epic. INSERT: A black and white photo of Kurt and crew dressed in Sombreros and Mexican stereotypes at a wild pool party. The title reads... PASTICHE PRESENTS "WETBACK" GORDON How about the Young Republicans? KURT Too close to the Tea-Party. INSERT: Photo of Kurt and crew dressed as famous female political conservatives - brandishing rally signs with misspellings and cups of tea. The title reads... "PASTICHE'S TEA PARTY" MITCH Yo we need an East vs West hip hop party. Get the honeys in here. GORDON "The honeys?" You're from Vermont. KURT Guys what's the Pastiche motto? GORDON "Sharpen thy sword." 34. MITCH Our motto is a euphemism for masturbation? GORDON It's a reminder that satire is the weapon of reason. So who on campus is being unreasonable? MITCH Sounds like a reminder of how gay you are. GORDON Was that even a reasonable attempt at a quip Mitch? MITCH Hey Gordon, say reasonable again. SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, knowing Lil' Wayne lyrics no longer earns you an Honorary Black Card. It just reminds me how often you say the word "nigga" when no one Black is around as is required in reciting said lyrics. Kurt turns up his music and shoots Lionel a look, who plugs headphones into his computer and looks down. KURT The hell does Sam think she is? MITCH Like Spike Lee and Oprah had a pissed off baby. Kurt shares a glance with Mitch and Gordon - they're leaning towards the same idea. KURT Could we? GORDON How? Kurt turns his heat towards Lionel - has a bone to pick. KURT Hey Lionel. Talked to the Dean today. (MORE) 35. KURT (CONT'D) We had a very enlightening conversation. I just want to say... I'm sorry about the voice message. 29B DINING ROOM 29B Kurt and his crew cross over to Lionel's table. Kurt unzips his pants silently. KURT (CONT'D) Do you accept? Lionel removes the headphones and turns to Kurt, just as he starts flopping his dick around off screen. Lionel quickly looks in the other direction. Kurt's friends crack up. GORDON Please put that away. KURT You got to talk to these people in a language they'll understand. Lionel shoves his headphones back on over his fro. LIONEL Pathetic. KURT (yelling) Wherever he ships you off to, be sure to pack a sense of humor with you, kay bro? Lionel drowns them out. He flips through Sam's "Ebony & Ivy" book to a section called... SAM (V.O.) The Paper Bag Tests. As Lionel reads we swish pan to... 30 DREAM DINER 30 ...an abstract Diner set. Sam at the counter addresses us. SUPERIMPOSE: THE TIP TEST SAM The Tip Test. You hit up Jelly's for a snack. Your waitress mistakes you for someone who looks like you (Black) who once ran up a thirty dollar bill and left a dollar tip. 36. WAITRESS, over it, crosses frame and glares coldly at us. Lionel takes a seat at a booth with Sam across from him. SAM (CONT'D) You watch all the other customers order before you do... Waitress huffs her way over to Lionel. LIONEL Pastrami sandwich on rye. SAM ...then proceed to wait no less than forty minutes for your food. A wall-clock advances forty, before the food and check come. SAM (CONT'D) How do you tip? A... LIONEL Forty minutes? Man she's lucky I leave her forty cents. You do a good job, maybe you'll see a tip. SAM B... LIONEL Doris was tripping, but fifteen percent is the least I can do. SAM Or C... LIONEL I reject the stereotype that African American's don't tip. I'm leaving her twenty, no twenty five, just to prove I can! CUT TO: Lionel's back in reality. He ponders the scenario. LIONEL (CONT'D) C? He turns the book upside down and reads the small print on the bottom of the page. "A) ONE HUNDRED" "B) OOFTA" and his answer "C) NOSE-JOB." 37. LIONEL (CONT'D) Nose-job? 31 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 31 The campus has settled into the semester as students trudge back and forth to class. SAM (V.O.) Dear White People in a shocking reversal using the term "African American" is borderline racist now. 32 INT. DEAN FAIRBANKS OFFICE - DAY 32 Dean Fairbanks and PRESIDENT HERBERT FLETCHER, 50's in an even better suit than Fairbanks listen to the radio. Fairbanks eyeballs Fletcher - tension between the two. SAM (O.S.) Turns out if you're too worried about Political Correctness to say "Black", odds are you secretly just want to call us niggers anyway and truth be told I'd rather you just be honest about it. PRESIDENT FLETCHER Free speech my ass. DEAN FAIRBANKS Stalin quotes for two hundred? PRESIDENT FLETCHER You're joking about this? DEAN FAIRBANKS I'm sorry, was I supposed to take "Free speech my ass" as a legitimate suggestion? PRESIDENT FLETCHER This is your office's issue Walter. Especially after that episode with Kurt in the dining hall. DEAN FAIRBANKS Every race issue is my issue. PRESIDENT FLETCHER It's a student issue. You are the Dean of students aren't you? The two share an old and heated glare. 38. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) The Times has been watching us like a hawk. Last thing we need is some "race war" on newspapers across the country. How do you think our donor base will feel about that? Our fund- raiser is four weeks away. DEAN FAIRBANKS How bad is this deficit of yours? PRESIDENT FLETCHER Worse. But let me tell you something. If this blows up any further? It's on you Walter. Racism is over in America. And if anyone's still dealing with it, it's the -- I don't know Mexicans probably. Troy pokes his head in. Fairbanks cuts the radio off. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) Come on in. TROY President Fletcher. PRESIDENT FLETCHER Son, call me Herb. Fairbanks grits his teeth as Fletcher exits and Troy sits. DEAN FAIRBANKS President Fletcher tells me his son got his ass handed to him. Troy hates this game. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) Bout time. Can't tell you how many instances I had to defend Armstrong / Parker when I was Head of House. TROY Sam's out of line. Kurt's alright. DEAN FAIRBANKS But you're supposed to be better than alright. Since when do we lose elections Troy? TROY The Housing Act passing without a fight didn't help. 39. DEAN FAIRBANKS What have I told you about excuses? TROY Pops my course load is full anyway. I'm head of Econ Board, I'm thinking about Pastiche. DEAN FAIRBANKS Pastiche? On Kurt Fletcher's staff? TROY You know to round out the res? DEAN FAIRBANKS I'll be God damned if twenty years from now you have to end up working for that dumb asses son. TROY (put in his place) Yes sir. DEAN FAIRBANKS Fletcher and I graduated a year apart. He barely made it through. I graduated Summa cum Laude. Now look who's President and who's Dean. TROY What's the difference? DEAN FAIRBANKS A couple hundred grand a year. Understand what I'm saying? Now what happened between you and Sam to make her come after you anyway? TROY Sofia. You remember Sofia? Daughter of the President. Psych major. "Has the world ahead of her Troy." DEAN FAIRBANKS I don't like your tone boy. TROY Sorry sir. DEAN FAIRBANKS So you lost the House. On to the school presidency then. The light in Troy's eyes dims a bit. 40. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) It'll be good to show this campus is capable of electing someone like you as school president. TROY Someone like me? 33 INT. TROY'S BATHROOM - NIGHT 33 Troy hovers over the toilet - smokes weed while the shower runs - exhales through his paper towel / dryer sheet apparatus. He jots down on a notepad and LAUGHS to himself. TROY'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME Sofia has her face to the floor - peering underneath the bathroom door. She can see Troy's feet. What the hell? Off the SQUEAK of the shower being cut Sofia jumps up. MOMENTS LATER Troy bounds out the bathroom in his undies. Sofia on the couch pretends to have been watching television. TROY Babe. Hat or no hat? Troy stands before her in his undies holding a Kangol. He eyes her oversized T-shirt. TROY (CONT'D) Are you wearing that? SOFIA I don't have to be. Sofia yanks Troy to her by his underwear to kiss his navel. SOFIA (CONT'D) Hey boo...why don't we put some of your new found free time to good use? It's been a while since... TROY What's with all this boo stuff? SOFIA ...since you fucked me with your big Black cock. Troy pulls away. 41. SOFIA (CONT'D) It used to turn you on when I talked like that. Is it me? TROY (yes) I love you. SOFIA Is it Sam? TROY Can we please just, get ready? SOFIA Why? I hate my brother's friends. Troy thinks over his next words carefully. TROY You're not going to go with me? SOFIA You'd go without me? Troy tries to flash a charming shrug. SOFIA (CONT'D) You're my guest! Sofia gathers some books and heads for the door. TROY You can hang out while I'm -- SOFIA -- Okay, what's with you and my brother? Are you in love with him? Is this like, some DL shit? Sofia storms out. TROY "DL shit!?" 34 INT. FOREST - NIGHT 34 Lionel walks up the darkly lit stairs of a very old building. He reaches a door marked "Newsroom." 35 INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT 35 Lionel looks around the dimmed office. There is music and light coming from a room past all the cubicles... 42. 36 INT. BULLPEN - NIGHT 36 ...An office filled with computers. George and a few other EDITORS scream with laughter - beers and pizza in hand. GEORGE does a beat on his desk while... GEORGE I keeps it clean Ya know what I mean. I drinks my Vodka straight, like I'm a fiend. ANNIE, a strawberry blonde laughs in George's lap. Lionel's envy shows. ANNIE Wait, quiet I want to hear this. Annie turns up a Youtube video of... COCO (O.S.) If I could grow straight Indian hair out my head -- ANNIE Ohmigod, this is going on Facebook. Annie swivels in her chair only to SCREAM BLOODY MURDER at the sight of Lionel. LIONEL Relax the Negro at the door is not here to rape you. Annie laughs. The mood is drunk and light. LIONEL (CONT'D) So this is what editors do? GEORGE We're taking a break, what are you doing here? LIONEL You wanted me to drop in and tell you how the story was coming? GEORGE Yeah like this week. It's Saturday night. You got nowhere else to be? LIONEL It was this or the new Madea movie. 43. GEORGE Dear God. Where does Madea go this time? Dialysis? 37 EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT 37 Sam, flanked by Reggie and the BoFros are in mid rant. REGGIE Man fuck Tyler Perry. SAM Like, can we have a movie with, you know characters in them? `Stead of stereotypes wrapped in Christian dogma? REGGIE Why is every educated person inherently evil? Why this Nigga gotta be in a mutha fucking dress all the mutha fucking time? SAM How come the only Black movies Hollywood wants to make are ones with mammies in fat suits or Black women in pain man? All of this is directed at a TEENAGER in the box office. TEENAGER Most people are here to see Fang 9. (after a beat) Kelly Rowland's in it? The group throw up their hands and groan in protest. 38 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 38 Game Night and Kurt's house is filled with smoke, music, and rich kids who play cards at various tables. Coco, in a banging jumpsuit scans the room for prospects. A few eyes from the WHITE BOYS start to flicker her way. This perks her up, as she arches her back slightly... ...only to see their eyes follow the WHITE BRUNETTE HIPSTER GIRL who has entered behind her. Coco catches herself in the mirror. What don't they see? 38A CARD TABLE 38A 44. Troy deals cards at a table - the game is Texas Hold Em. Troy holds court - much to Kurt's chagrin. The mood is playful. There's a brief eye contact between Troy and Coco. 39 INT. SAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 39 A huge "Boycott Sal's Pizzeria" poster hangs on the walls of Sam's chic dorm surrounded by other street art. The BoFros and a few cool residents of Armstrong / Parker hang about. Underground hip hop permeates the room. Sam refuses a joint coldly from Reggie - her eyes fixed on "SCHOOL DAZE" which plays on her 36' flatscreen. SAM How `bout you stop stereotyping yourself and put that shit out? This ain't "Friday." REGGIE Yo Sam. We got to talk about the protest. When are we are bringing the Housing fight to the prez? Sungmi takes a seat next to Sam. Some kids hop up and start grooving it out when a new song pops up on the playlist. SUNGMI The House voted down sponsoring the rally. REGGIE What do we need it sponsored for? SAM Demonstrations can get shut down if a House doesn't sponsor them. REGGIE Like the House you're head of? Sam shoots Reggie a glare. He backs off. SUNGMI Hey Sam, I read "Ebony and Ivy." What's with the Oofta, Nose-Jobs, One Hundred stuff? I miss something? Sam smiles. SAM You want me to break it down? 45. 40 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 40 Troy deals another hand with Kurt, Mitch and Gordon. Troy's homeboy swag is thicker than usual. MITCH Yo my perfect Friday night is whiskey and my T-Bone Walker records, real talk. TROY Who the fuck is T-Bone Walker? 40A INTERCUT WITH SAM'S APARTMENT: 40A SAM Only a few ways colored folks survive at a place like this. MITCH Uh only a pioneer of electric and jump blues bro. Know your roots. TROY White folks always be on stuff like decades too late and act like they discovered some shit. SAM "Oofta" is the jazz age term for Bojangle types who Blacked it up for White audiences. MITCH Don't sleep on T-Bone man. TROY Rock, Jazz, Blues - Nigga whatchu got on right now? MITCH Public Enemy my Nig-- TROY --Yo watch that man. GORDON You just called him -- TROY -- Ya'll get Country Clubs we get to say Nigga. Everyone at the table erupts in laughter. Except Kurt. 46. GORDON And golf? And all our girls? TROY Whatchu mean all your girls? GORDON Dude, between OJ, Tiger, Wesley Snipes and uh, Troy over here... TROY Yo. It's a word for that. Reparations. More Kurt-less laughter from the table. TROY (CONT'D) Forty white bitches and a mule. Perfectly executed. Troy grins as the table erupts. SAM An Oofta modulates his Blackness up or down depending on the crowd and what he wants from them. MITCH Kurt? KURT What? GORDON Kurt. Troy watches this exchange closely. GORDON (CONT'D) Troy. You thinking about Pastiche? TROY That's the magazine right? GORDON For starters. MITCH What other "magazine" you know has a first look deal at NBC? The third biggest Youtube channel. Talk show. Platinum comedy record homie! 47. GORDON Couldn't you see him on the talk show Kurt? Kurt looks at his cards. KURT I fold. 41 INT. SAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 41 A small crowd's formed around Sam. SUNGMI Okay, and a nose-job is a wannabe? 42 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 42 Coco finishes her drink and catches Mitch and Gordon as they start up a Youtube video on their iPad. The previous game is over. They watch "Dear White People - 1,378,480 views." 42A INTERCUT WITH SAM'S APARTMENT: 42A SAM Sort of. Nose-jobs smooth their Black edges and try to blend. Coco runs her fingers through her straight hair. GORDON You seen this one? SAM (YOUTUBE) Dear White People using Instagram. You have an iPhone and go on hikes. I get it. COCO Ugh. Gordon and Mitch turn and notice Coco. Mitch eyes her curves. GORDON Not a fan? Coco makes a "no" face. MITCH Sup ma? COCO Don't talk like that. 48. GORDON Hey I know you... Coco is taken aback as Gordon punches up her video and plays it back. She hovers over them. COCO (YOUTUBE) Muffins. I hate to do it, but Imma have to get real Black with you. Coco a bit embarrassed scans the view count. SAM A Nose-job's worst fear is that their "Blackness" might cause a fuss or draw undue attention so they apologize for it or use it to self deprecate. COCO Forty thousand views already? GORDON Looks like someone submitted you to Buzzfeed. Taking off... Coco leans over them and scrolls down. The first comment is from a HELMUT: "Much better..." Coco soaks this in. MITCH You wan' a drink a sun'in? COCO Let me guess you're from Ohio? MITCH Vermont. GORDON What do you have against Dear White People? Coco smiles and slyly clicks to her next video. COCO (YOUTUBE) Dear White People. How do I feel about it? Well for one it's Blacker than thou propaganda from a bougie Lisa Bonet wannabe who smells like patchouli and frankly I can't believe we're letting Sam get away with it. 49. Mitch and Gordon's mouths are ajar. Coco studies the view count...26,758. A pride strikes Coco. 43 INT. SAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 43 As the impromptu party dies down... SUNGMI Okay and One Hundred? REGGIE Keeping it One-Hundred! Being Black as hell just cause. Sam rolls her eyes. SUNGMI But what about just being you? SAM Like I said... 44 INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT 44 Lionel's got the eyes of the Bullpen on him. Annie's really warmed to him - her hands play with his afro. ANNIE You don't mind do you? SAM (V.O.) There's only a few ways a person of a color can survive at a place like this... LIONEL Of course not. GEORGE Alright so then what? LIONEL So then Sam says "What, is your daddy scared the Negroes are gonna start a rebellion on the plantation?" George goes CRAZY at this. GEORGE To Kurt Fletcher!? LIONEL Yeah. Yes. Yup. 50. GEORGE We've got a news item but there's something bigger here. It's a profile piece on Armstrong / Parker and Sam White's pseudo revolution. ANNIE What's the headline? LIONEL Outdated nationalist seeks purpose starts race war? Lionel's joke hits, but he feels gross for saying it. The image of Sam shaking her head in the dinner FLASHES before Lionel briefly. GEORGE Beers in the corner. Bang out the news item tonight and we'll work on the profile piece for next week. Lionel grabs a beer and takes a seat at one of the open computers. George starts up a beat on his desk as he and Annie stare at Lionel expectantly. LIONEL What are you doing? ANNIE All Bugle staffer must freestyle. It's law. GEORGE You want to be a staffer right? LIONEL (awkward) My name is Lionel Kind of like a lion King of the jungle Indigenous to Africa... The beat has long since stopped. LIONEL (CONT'D) Sorry. 45 INT. KURT'S KITCHEN - NIGHT 45 Troy heads into the kitchen just as Kurt heads out. 51. TROY Yo man, you know I wasn't talking about Sof back there with whole forty bitches thing. I was just -- KURT -- trying to get on my staff? TROY I never really thought about -- KURT -- Bullshit. Game Night is where we make our bids for the new staff. It's why everyone's here. You were practically about to bust out a tap dance. TROY I'm a Poly Sci major man. I just came to hang out. KURT My staff likes you. A lot. TROY But you don't. KURT This thing with you and Sof... TROY I'm good to her. KURT Our dad's have been playing a game of chess off and on since 1972. TROY What and Sof is the White queen? KURT You're a pawn. And I think it's time you get off the board bro. Troy takes this in. KURT (CONT'D) Here's the deal. Every year we throw a party. The point is to mock the self important and moronic entities of the campus. The way to get staffed is to write an invite for the party. (MORE) 52. KURT (CONT'D) Our invites are legendary, we make Gawker, the Post, tons of blogs every year. If your invite is the one that goes out, you're guaranteed a spot on the staff. The runners up are voted on by the rest of us. Troy catches eyes with Coco who gives him a seductive glance. 45A LIVING ROOM 45A Coco turns back to her now enamored crowd. She's in her element with these boys at her feet. COCO I just think having good hair and carrying on with a degree of sophistication doesn't make me a traitor to the race. MITCH Want to know why they used to call me Black Mitch? GORDON COCO Absolutely not. No one called you that. KITCHEN Just as Gordon, Mitch and Coco approach... TROY Okay. And what's this year's theme? Kurt rolls his eyes instinctively. KURT Still working on that... TROY The party's a couple weeks away. GORDON Yo Kurt. I want you to meet someone. COCO You guys got a party coming up? Coco smiles at Kurt, before flicking her eyes over Troy. 53. 46 INT. SAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 46 Sungmi is one of the last to clear out of Sam's apartment as the party winds down. SUNGMI Hey, about the rally. You could still get the permit anyway Sam and go against the board. Most people consider that political suicide though. REGGIE We got to rally Sam. Time is now. SAM Use your head Reggie. You think a rally is going to change things? REGGIE It'll do a hell of a lot more than a radio show or views on Youtube. Everyone gets quiet. Sungmi takes this time to exit. REGGIE (CONT'D) Look, we got power Sam and it's time we used it. We earned it. SAM We? I didn't see you running for shit Reggie. The Bofros trade looks as Reggie storms out. Sam waits a beat and rolls her eyes. 47 EXT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER QUAD - NIGHT 47 Sam walks after Reggie. REGGIE Tired. SAM Don't "one word" me. REGGIE Why you got to snap at me all the time? I'm around you like twenty four seven. Like your lap dog. I don't even usually get down like that with no red bone chicks man. 54. SAM Don't call me that. REGGIE Come on, I thought your ass was Puerto Rican when I met you. Sam turns to go. REGGIE (CONT'D) Oh so you can dish it out but you can't take it? SAM I'm taking my ass home. REGGIE Come on Sam. You know how I feel about you. SAM How am I supposed to know how you feel about me? REGGIE You know what? Forgive me if I see something in you. Something inspiring. Something folks like me can get behind. Reggie puts his hands on Sam's belt and pulls her in to a kiss as a group walks by. Over Reggie's shoulder Sam sees... ...Gabe look back at her. He's heartbroken. She pretends not to be affected and sinks into a kiss from Reggie. REGGIE (CONT'D) Tell me you'll set up the rally. SAM I'll set up the rally. 48 INT. KURT'S KITCHEN - NIGHT 48 Kurt, Gordon, Mitch, Coco and Troy all trade glances. GORDON Are we sure about this? KURT It's ironic. Bold. And don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks Sam White's little movement needs to get cut down to size. 55. Agreement Coco's gaze. Uncertainty in Troy's. KURT (CONT'D) Looks like you got your Hip Hop party Mitch. MITCH `Bout time. It's going to be huge man, fucking epic. Kurt holds back a smile. KURT Boys, we've got a lot more mingling to do. We'll be in touch. And Troy? Get off the board bro. Troy chews on this as Kurt leads his group out. Troy smiles, goes to exit. TROY Nice seeing you. COCO Where's Sofia? TROY I have no idea. COCO Trouble in paradise? Troy shrugs and heads to the party. COCO (CONT'D) Figures. (off Troy's incredulousness) Nothing. I'm sure you've got something else fair and petite and...fair lined up for that drink. TROY What's that supposed to mean? COCO It's fine. I'm not even really into Black dudes anyway. TROY I'll have you know I'm an equal opportunity employer, okay? 56. COCO And what kind of jobs are you hiring for mister? Coco's stiletto rubs the side of Troy's calf. TROY Aren't you and Sofia -- COCO -- I'm an accessory to Sofia. Can't ever shake the feeling I'm an assignment for that Afro Studies Minor of hers. Troy nervously glances out at the crowd and then back towards this dangerous and tempting creature before him. COCO (CONT'D) I'm sure you have no idea what I mean. 49 EXT. MANCHESTER YARD - NIGHT 49 Lionel and George walk through the campus at night. George waves goodbye to Annie as they pass Bechet House. LIONEL She seems really cool. George just smiles. GEORGE Did we go too far? You're in Armstrong/Parker right? LIONEL No. Garmin. GEORGE Fancy. LIONEL George I'm not exactly down with Sam and I'm not in the BSU. I got kicked out of Armstrong / Parker same as Kurt. But I'm going to write a good story, okay? GEORGE I hope so. I want a Bugle on your chest by the end of the month. Lionel fights a smile as his heart beats through his chest. 57. They reach the front of Lionel's house. George runs his hand through Lionel's hair. Mitch, smoking on the porch with some other kids - trade glances. GEORGE (CONT'D) Your fro's so gnarly. LIONEL I'm growing it out. GEORGE Night Lionel. Lionel heads up his stoop - past the snickers and glares of Mitch and company. MITCH Party's not over. LIONEL I live here. MITCH Sorry bro. Invitation only. LIONEL It's two in the morning. Mitch shrugs as humiliation floods over Lionel. Lionel sighs and slumps on the steps outside the door. He scrolls through his phone for a contact...OFFICE OF THE DEAN. Starts an email. 50 INT. TROY'S BEDROOM - MORNING 50 Troy's Kangol sits in the ground, besides his undies, and besides a bright pink thong. Coco's pink painted finger nails travel through the creases of Troy's immaculate abs. TROY Coco huh? COCO Colandrea doesn't exactly pass the resume test, you know? I mean couldn't you fucking die? My parents should've just named me Ghetto-ass-hoodrat-anisha. Do you...indulge? Coco fiddles in her purse - pulls out a joint. 58. TROY It's ten am. Coco lights it and takes a drag. She hands it to Troy. TROY (CONT'D) I don't mess with that stuff. Coco sees right through him as Troy hits it like a pro. COCO Sure about that? TROY Sure you don't like Black guys? COCO Girl like me is just a placeholder for ya'll at a place like this. TROY I'm not like that. COCO I don't think Sam would agree. TROY That was different. COCO No it wasn't. Poor thing, she was light skin-ded and everything. TROY Yo, it wasn't like that alright? Troy's tone sobers Coco a bit. She places a hand on Troy's. TROY (CONT'D) My pops. He wanted me with Fletcher's daughter. They've been in competition ever since they went here. Pops hates that Fletcher ended up President and he got stuck as the Dean. COCO So your upbringing may have actually fucked you up more than mine? That's hot. Troy laughs and takes the joint back. 59. COCO (CONT'D) The hell is the difference between a Dean and a President anyway? TROY Apparently four hundred years of unreconciled oppression. COCO He's not going to like you running with the Pastiche boys is he? TROY If I even get tapped. COCO You will. And you should do it. They all land somewhere big, some before they even graduate. I've seen you in front of a crowd Troy. I bet you could be famous. TROY That what you want? To be famous? COCO I want people to know my name. TROY Which one? Coco's phone buzzes with a message. It's Kurt. COCO (reading) We want you. Come by Ellington tomorrow at eight. (to Troy) Anything? Troy checks his phone. Nothing. A decision weighs in Troy's eyes as Coco throws on a shirt and gets up to go. COCO (CONT'D) You're going to have to stand up to him sooner or later Troy. 52 EXT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER QUAD - DAY 52 Troy and Sofia stand still amidst the bustle. Devastation marks her pretty face. SOFIA You said you loved me. 60. TROY I like you a lot. Salt meet wound. She wants to go, but something nags at her. SOFIA What do you do in the bathroom? When you leave the shower running? Was it just to get away from me? Troy wagers his answer and decides to confess. TROY I smoke weed and write jokes. Puzzled by the man before her and too hurt for more, Sofia just turns and walks away. Troy watches her go just as... ...Lionel passes by. The two share an awkward glance before Troy turns to enter the house. 53 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER HALL - SAME TIME 53 Lionel shyly trudges down the hall of Armstrong / Parker. He turns to see Troy behind him. The two avoid the other's gaze. As they both head up the stairs, Troy notes it strange that they're headed in the same direction. 53A UPSTAIRS 53A Lionel heads to a door at the end of the hallway and opens it with a key. Troy's already at the door when he looks up and realizes Lionel's just entered his apartment. 54 INT. TROY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 54 TROY The hell are you doing? LIONEL & TROY This is my apartment. TROY The hell it is. LIONEL The Dean said it was the only opening. TROY Head of House doesn't share. 61. LIONEL But you're not Head of House. Still stings. Troy heads into his room and closes the door leaving Lionel alone in the living room. 57 INT. ARMSTRONG/PARKER DINING HALL - DAY 57 Lionel sits alone in front of another bowl of soup. Eyes the different cliques of mostly Black students. Dreads walks past and shoots a head nod. Lionel uncomfortably shoots one back. DREADS Stay Black, my brother. LIONEL Sure thing? Lionel watches as Kurt and Troy walk together towards the entrance - suddenly chums. Troy's getting good news and gladly shakes Kurt's hand. KURT Need your submission by Thursday. TROY You got it bro. The two try and enter, when immediately Dreads slams a GONG in the back of the hall - prompting the whole of the dining hall to turn and throw paper balls at Kurt. KURT The fuck? Sam grins from a table comprised of Martin, Sungmi and her other support staff. Martin is visibly annoyed. TROY Yo! Troy takes some of the brunt of this and walks with the humiliated Kurt back out of the Dining Hall. Lionel watches with a smirk as Troy talks Kurt down on the other side of the entrance. Lionel catches eyes with Sam briefly who shares the same smirk. He realizes Sam's actually looking at Reggie, perched behind him at a table flanked by Curls and Dreads. They address him. REGGIE Finally made it in. 62. DREADS Been moved around a lot right? CURLS You must have been terrified when you saw "Armstrong/Parker" written on your moving assignment. LIONEL I was just finishing up. REGGIE Do Black people scare you? LIONEL (realizing its true) No. REGGIE You're too scared to even ask anyone for a cut. LIONEL I'm growing it out. DREADS No. I'm growing it out. You're fostering an ecosystem. REGGIE How come you don't come to BSU? LIONEL I listen to Mumford and Sons and watch Robert Altman movies. You honestly think I'm Black enough for the union? DREADS Yo, I love Robert Altman. Mutha fucka goes in. CURLS (after a beat) We're not all homophobes you know. Black folks? Lionel's eyes dart around. How did she know? DREADS I'm bumping Frank Ocean right now. I don't give a fuck. Imma still eat at Chik Fil A though. Them nuggets good as hell. 63. LIONEL I'm late for class. REGGIE You're the "Black voice" of the Bugle now. We're just trying to decide if you are friend or foe. Reggie pulls a folded copy of the Bugle from under his arm. Sam's on the front page with the headline "WHITE STUDENTS TOLD TO `GET OUT' BY LIONEL HIGGINS." REGGIE (CONT'D) We got to protect our girl. Reggie motions over to a stressed out Sam as she argues over something with Martin at another table. LIONEL I'm not on staff. Not until I make good on my assignment, I'm just -- REGGIE -- Assignment? What's the story? LIONEL They want me to do a profile piece on Black culture at Manchester. REGGIE Of which you are so clearly an expert. Shame floods Lionel's face. REGGIE (CONT'D) So what's harder man? Being Black enough for the Black kids or the white ones? LIONEL Being neither. Another GONG sounds with another shower of paper balls. This time it's for... ...Gabe, who's stuck outside. He makes eye contact with... GABE Sam! Really Sam? She just looks away. Reggie eyes him coolly. 64. 58 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY 58 Professor Bodkin watches over a small class as the students fill in essay questions. Sam's eyes are glued to a window... Outside below the Brofros pull up in an SUV. They hop out and start pulling out rally signs and bullhorns. Sam's eyes dart back to the clock as Gabe watches her watch the time. 59A EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 59A Sam bounds out of a building on her way to the parking lot. From behind her... DEAN FAIRBANKS Running late. Sam pauses and turns to see him. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) For your little rally? SAM Forget your sign Dean? DEAN FAIRBANKS Do you honestly think this is in the spirit of Armstrong / Parker house? SAM The role of the counter culture is to wake up the mainstream to -- DEAN FAIRBANKS -- I've got furniture older than you. Counter culture? Is that what you think this is? That show of yours? SAM What about my show? DEAN FAIRBANKS Your show is racist. SAM Black people can't be racist. The Dean is rendered speechless at this statement. 65. SAM (CONT'D) Prejudice? Yes. But not racist. Racism describes a system of disadvantage based on race. Black people can't be racist since they don't benefit from such a system. DEAN FAIRBANKS Do you read the school papers? SAM Is the New York Times a school paper? DEAN FAIRBANKS Your antics are making press Sam and press like this keeps men like President Fletcher up at night. SAM Warm milk? DEAN FAIRBANKS He's building a file on you. SAM It's not my fault your son couldn't beat me in an election. DEAN FAIRBANKS I'm sure it was hard growing up. Wondering which side you fit into. Feeling like you have to overcompensate perhaps? SAM If that's true, I'm not the only one Dean. Sam walks off in a half jog - Fairbank's last words resonate more than she'd like. Gabe, making his way outside just catches her exit. 59B EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY 59B Huge canvas signs with the words "WHITES ONLY" are strewn about the pavement, along with bullhorns and picket signs. Sam takes these in while the Brofros feverishly unpack the SUV. 66. REGGIE There you are! We supposed to start at noon. SAM I told you I had class. There's a vibration in Sam's pocket. Her phone says "MOM." She cuts it off and picks up a "white's only" sign. REGGIE Those are going up on Gillespie. Good right? Sam shrugs in the affirmative but it's too much. Reggie sees a doubt in her eyes. REGGIE (CONT'D) Yo. What's that? You're not getting cold feet are you? SAM No. I mean how long do I have to talk anyway? REGGIE You're kidding right? You're sort of the keynote. SAM Yeah but...you know I think the whole Malcolm X thing is your lane Reg. I'm just not -- REGGIE -- They came to hear you Sam. Grab a bullhorn. Turn it on. Sam is struck by the command. Stuck between wanting to curse and comply another buzz in her pocket yanks her attention to her phone. Sam checks: "IT'S ABOUT DAD. CALL ME" Sam turns for some privacy. She makes eye contact with Gabe who's just happened upon the parking lot. GABE What is all this? SAM (on phone) Hey. In the middle of-- -- Okay. Okay. Okay. 67. Tears well up in Sam's eyes as she shakes her head no and heads away from the parking lot and passed Gabe. When Reggie looks up and catches eyes with Sam. His tilted look of indignation asks her what she's doing. REGGIE Sam? Sam takes in the scene and decisively turns to go. Reggie's heart sinks as a bewildered Gabe goes to chase after her. REGGIE (CONT'D) Sam! 60 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER HALL - DAY 60 Reggie flanked by the BoFros bangs on Sam's door. REGGIE Yo, what the hell Sam? 61 INT. SAM'S ROOM - DAY 61 The banging continues as Sam sits on the edge of her bed. The tears have dried. Gabe paces behind the bed. GABE You want me to tell them to go? SAM You're so tough. GABE I will. SAM I want you to wait until they've gone and then head home. GABE I'm trying to be here for you. SAM Can you be somewhere else for me? 61A HALLWAY 61A REGGIE Sam! I know you're home. 68. 61B SAM'S ROOM 61B GABE What do you see in him? SAM The only eligible single brother on campus. GABE Wow. Okay. SAM I get it. Your parents owned in Harlem or something? You watched "Do The Right Thing" in high school and you want to prove to the world you're down? GABE I want to be down? How long does it take to get your hair like that? REGGIE (O.S.) Sam. We want to talk. SAM Reggie I will call you later damn! (to Gabe) You don't know what you're talking about. Girls like me-- GABE --what? Have to pick a side? I'm sick of your tragic Mulatto bullshit Sam! SAM You can't say Mulatto. GABE Mulatto! Mulatto! Mulatto! MORE BANGING SAM Window. Go out the window. GABE I'm sorry if I can't be your Nubian prince on my Black horse ready to take you back to fucking Zamunda! 69. SAM That's not a real African country. GABE Can I please get some credit for a solid "Coming to America" reference? Sam tries not laugh at this. GABE (CONT'D) This isn't you Sam. SAM No? And who am I? GABE You're this...girl... SAM Perceptive. GABE Who...likes to argue with me about every fucking thing. And I hate it because we both know you're smarter than me. Your favorite director is Bergman, but you tell people its Spike Lee. You love bebop, but you've got a thing for Taylor Swift. I know because my Mac picks up your Mac's library. SAM And I was so careful... GABE You like to use phrases from the thirties and wear clothes from the fifties and hairstyles from the sixties. You like to watch me when you think I'm sleeping. And trace the outlines of my face. Sam fights any signs of this moving her. Another BANG. GABE (CONT'D) You're more "Banksy" than "Barack" but you've been co-opted as some sort of revolutionary leader or something? But really you're an anarchist. A beautiful writer, artist, filmmaker, shit starter. And beautiful, in general. 70. Sam's heart beats through her chest. Her phone rings: "Mom." SAM Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. It's okay. Get some sleep. Sam hangs up. A silence hangs - followed by a loud EXHALE from Sam as she let's go of the tension she'd been holding. GABE Everything okay? SAM (happy tears) His condition's stable. GABE Good. That's good Sam. Gabe goes to exit just as Reggie BANGS again. SAM Gabe! Gabe opens the door to the very shocked Bofros and Reggie... GABE What!? ...and brushes right past them. Sam gets up and stares down the heartbroken looks on her disciples' faces. SAM I'm sorry. And with that she closes the door right on Reggie. 62 EXT. ELLINGTON TERRACE - NIGHT 62 Coco and Helmut look out over the campus from the glowing terrace atop the Library. They sip on coffee's. HELMUT New videos are picking up steam. COCO Told you I was good TV. HELMUT The show I'm scouting for... It's called Black Face / White Place. It's reality. Like a "True Life." Each episode centers on a different one of "us" in a sea of "them." 71. COCO Interesting. HELMUT Interesting? You think they want interesting? Dignified stories of triumph and survival? (off Coco's naive shrug) They want the "authentic urban experience" which is basically network talk for bitching and weave snatching. I'm telling you this because the network is looking to take one of the subjects to series. I got one episode. One shot to find that subject. So if we do this... COCO ...we do it all the way. I'm guessing Sam turned you down. HELMUT I think so. She called me a Bojangling Oofta, whatever that means. Everything else she said would've been bleeped on tv. (off Coco's laugh) So look, forty thousand hits on Youtube is good. It's not great. COCO I'm about to get a whole lot more. 63 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - DAY 63 Coco sits before a video camera. The room is dim. KURT We don't have anyone like you on staff and you had a great idea. We brought you here to -- COCO -- I want to MC it. Your party. KURT We're here to tell you what we want. COCO You want me and in order to get me, you have to let me MC. (MORE) 72. COCO (CONT'D) And I want to do a live video blog from my Youtube account. BACK TO: 64 EXT. ELLINGTON TERRACE - DAY 64 HELMUT They'd let you do that? COCO They got no choice. They need me -- BACK TO: 65 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 65 COCO -- cause without me ya'll look like a bunch of privileged assholes. KURT We don't let people video blog our events... COCO ...You got a week to put this thing together boo boo. What's it going to be? CUT TO: 66 EXT. ELLINGTON TERRACE - DAY 66 Helmut looks at Coco with a shocked gleam in his eye. COCO You look surprised. HELMUT It's just... 67 INT. TROY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 67 Troy and Lionel both type furiously at their computers in their rooms. Troy on his invite - Lionel on his article. They each look at the other in alternate intervals. HELMUT (V.O.) ...not everyone is as camera ready as you. 67A LIONEL'S ROOM 67A 73. Lionel pauses the episode of STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION on his TV and heads to... 67B KITCHEN 67B ...bar divide. Pours a bowl of cereal. He glances into Troy's room. He's also got Star Trek on. Could it be? Troy, feels Lionel's eyes on him and quickly switches it to Basketball. 67C TROY'S ROOM 67C Troy types in "KURT FLETCHER" in the "To" field and "PASTICHE SUBMISSION" in the subject field. He hits "send" and swallows the lump in his throat. 68 INT. DEANS OFFICE - DAY 68 Troy gingerly enters into the Dean's office. Martin and Dean Fairbanks talk in hushed tones around Fairbanks' desk. DEAN FAIRBANKS Martin, would you share with Troy what you shared with me? MARTIN The server that processes the voting results for House Elections has shut down the A.P. database. Saw it this morning. Apparently the intermediary program is on a refractile loop. TROY I'm a Poly Sci major man. MARTIN Sam currently has 445 votes. That's 200 more than she had last week during the actual election. TROY There's not even that many residents in Armstrong / Parker. DEAN FAIRBANKS She cheated. Hacked the system. 69 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - DAY 69 Sam sits before a giant fireplace - twice as large as the Dean's. She faces President Fletcher and fights nerves. 74. SAM I wouldn't even begin to know how to do something like that. PRESIDENT FLETCHER Is your little war really this important? Sam shifts gears slightly - he wants something from her. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) I understand the pressure to stand for something at an institution like this but you're barking up the wrong tree okay? 70 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 70 MARTIN Had to have been Reggie. Dude's in my programing class. Good. Just forgot to turn his program off. TROY Wow. MARTIN You're the rightful Head of House. TROY (shit) So great. DEAN FAIRBANKS Martin, let me talk to Troy for a bit. I appreciate this. 71 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 71 Sam glares at Fletcher. PRESIDENT FLETCHER Your advisor tells me you're hanging on by a thread in you major. Perhaps it's time to reprioritize. SAM You're trying to frighten me, but I think you're the one who's scared. 75. PRESIDENT FLETCHER And I think you long for the days where Blacks were hanging from trees and denied actual rights. Then you'd actually have something to fight against. A swell of emotion behind Sam's steel eyes. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) You will be facing two hearings in the coming weeks that could end in either Probation or Suspension. One on the merits of your show, the other on your election to Head of House. Sam is truly scared by this. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) Your responsibilities to your house are suspended. Your show is done for. And another one of your illegal "demonstrations" will only make matters worse. This is a critical time for this school. SAM You damn right it is. PRESIDENT FLETCHER We don't have an intolerance problem here. Except for the one I'm looking at. 72 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 72 Troy and his father are alone. DEAN FAIRBANKS You didn't tell me you and Sofia had a misunderstanding. TROY Who did? DEAN FAIRBANKS Her father. She was very upset. (off Troy's silence) Troy. What sort of vision do you have for yourself? 76. TROY Get my degree. Then Law School and then -- DEAN FAIRBANKS --And what's that got to do with partying with Kurt? With smoking weed and writing jokes? Panic flashes over Troy. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) Okay, so what? Is it the spotlight Kurt gets? You want to be on...tv or something? You know how many Black men waste their lives to get on TV? Be rappers and ball players? TROY (wanting it to be true) Dad no. I want what we always talked about. Maybe have my own firm someday? Run for office. Make a difference. Wife. Kids. I want all that. I really really do. DEAN FAIRBANKS And the drugs? God damn it Troy I taught you better than this. I have been in academia a long time, I've seen a lot of things. The men who really run this world? You got no idea what they see when they see you. You are not going to be what they all think you are. You will not give them that satisfaction, you hear me? TROY Yes sir. 73 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 73 Sam steps out of Fletcher's office into the waiting room. Kurt is there. He stands and the two silently stare the other down as Kurt enters his father's office. A SECRETARY picks up a ringing phone - prompts her to exit the room. Sam watches her sign for a delivery outside through the window. Sam slips behind the office door - quietly pushes it open and listens in. 77. PRESIDENT FLETCHER I know about the party. You picked a hell of a time. KURT What party -- PRESIDENT FLETCHER -- You're cancelling Kurt. End of story. 75 INT. BULLPEN - DAY 75 Lionel walks through the empty office - slows down as he over hears... GEORGE (O.S.) Lionel's story on the would-be protest outside of Gillespie is running tomorrow and I'm also having Lionel work on a profile piece of Armstrong/Parker like you suggested. Really break down what's going on. Lionel gingerly approaches the door to see George finish up a phone call. GEORGE (CONT'D) Right. It's almost like they recycle so much from their past - Music, food, fashion, and now turbulence. This leaves a bitter taste in Lionel's mouth. GEORGE (CONT'D) Thank you so much. Okay, take care. George can't fight his grin as he looks to Annie. ANNIE Well? GEORGE That was our Times advisor. He said it's stories like these that get editors recommendation letters. Lionel knocks on the door. Annie and George are startled but reassured when they see who it is. 78. LIONEL The Negro at the door didn't scare you this time. Annie smiles and heads for the door. ANNIE Lionel please. You're only technically Black. G, going to French. You want me to hold your seat? GEORGE Thanks. Annie smiles and walks out. LIONEL You need something? Saw your e- mail. GEORGE Yeah, I need someone to do the Donor's function on Saturday. Small dinner for the school's big givers. Administration wants a little coverage. LIONEL That's Halloween night. GEORGE Right, which is why no one else will take it. LIONEL Ah. Thus the new guy. George gathers his backpack and walks over to Lionel. Gets close. GEORGE On my way to class, but you can stay and check out last year's piece. You'll do fine. LIONEL I don't know. Are there going to be any racially fueled outbursts at this thing? GEORGE Never know right? 79. It's clear Lionel wants to say something else. George too. LIONEL Am I a good writer? GEORGE You'll get better. And we need you right now. LIONEL You're just a big recommendation away from landing the Times. GEORGE God I hope so. Lionel looks down. He is being used. Turns to go, just as -- GEORGE (CONT'D) Hey. -- George grabs Lionel unsure what he wants to say. So instead he just kisses him. GEORGE (CONT'D) I'm glad we finally got that Bugle on your chest. Lionel's all mixed up. GEORGE (CONT'D) There's a big party the night of the Donor's event. Call me after, maybe we can hang? LIONEL Yeah. Sounds good. George heads out - leaving Lionel perplexed. 76 INT. TROY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 76 Troy stares at his reflection in a mirror as he lifts his du- rag to reveal his perfectly curled finger waves. He's getting ready for something. His phone buzzes with a notification: "Message from: PASTICHE" Troy nervously clicks it open. As he reads... 80. KURT (V.O.) Dear White People. Are you tired of your hum drum, Wonderbread existence of accidental racism and wishing you could sip on Henny out yo crunk cup without a Bitch giving you the side-eye? Course you are. MONTAGE: As our subjects get ready for their evening. Troy goes back to combing over his finger waves, finding and correcting imperceptible imperfections. KURT (V.O.) For all those looking to unleash their inner Negro from years of bondage and oppression Pastiche proudly presents "Dear White People" our 89th annual Hallow's Eve Costume Party - tonight at 10 Pacific Time or 5 Colored People Time. Sorry for the short notice, but let's keep it one hun-ed. You've had us on your calendar for weeks. 76A Lionel stares into a mirror in an ill fitting suit 76A combing out his unwieldy fro. He flinches in pain as he fluffs out each section. KURT (V.O.) Dudes must rock FUBU, Ecko, Rocawear, or Sean John. XXXL is the smallest size T-Shirt you can wear, preferably with a collage of Barack Obama and Tupac on it. Stunner Shades, chains, and Blue-Tooth devices sticking out yo ears are also encouraged. 76B Coco pulls a blonde curly wig over her natural hair. She 76B smooths her tendrils to frame her face, almost pale with foundation. She begins on her eyes. KURT (V.O.) Ladies, we need to see huge hoop earrings, long nails, and cheap tight clothes. (MORE) 81. KURT (V.O.) (CONT'D) A proper hood rat starts fights, speaks loudly, and when she can't think of the word she's trying to say just makes one up, such as "edumicated." Feel free to fry up some chicken, bring Kool-Aid, Watermelon, 40s, Henny, and of course Dat Purple Drank. No bougie bitches allowed. 76C Sam removes the pins and the black power Afro pic holding 76C up her pompadour fro hair-do, and lets it fall flat around her ears. She takes in her image in the mirror. KURT (V.O.) Naturally there will be a freestyle rap competition so bring it, get yo shine on and join us for the party of the year! Oh and Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga. Boy that felt good. 77 EXT. GILLESPIE HALL - NIGHT 77 Laughter and music from the well to do event wafts outside while Troy dressed in a slick Armani tux hangs by the entrance. He smokes on Coco's one-hitter from before. Lionel steps out in his ill fitted suit, a camera in hand. The two are surprised to see each other. LIONEL Funny seeing you here. TROY Father likes to show me off at all the Donor functions. The dessert course is usually my cue to take a breather while they talk shop. (friendlier) The trick is to dazzle them into forking over their estates just before they kick the bucket. Lionel could just leave. Instead he accepts the olive branch. LIONEL So...Picard or Kirk? TROY Kirk. Wait... LIONEL I saw you watching Star -- 82. TROY -- Yo what happens in the crib stays in the crib. Not trying to get my card revoked. LIONEL Hey, some could argue that a show with Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Dorn and Kunta Kinte himself is a pretty Black show. TROY Yeah? That work out for you? LIONEL No. No it did not. At least not in High School. I bet there's a statue of you at your High School. TROY I was beloved. Won't lie. LIONEL Did they know you were a trekker? TROY My pops left a paint by numbers template for success at that High School. All I had to do was fill in the blanks. Football captain. Valedictorian. Prom King. Lionel sees a sadness in Troy. TROY (CONT'D) So what? You're growing that out? LIONEL I think it's gaining sentience. TROY It's...out there. LIONEL It's like a black hole for white people's fingers. They're obsessed. TROY You know I cut hair. Why didn't you ask me? LIONEL You're I dunno...you? 83. Behind Lionel, George and Annie pass by the steps to Gillespie. GEORGE Li! You ready man? LIONEL No costumes? I got a tux for this. ANNIE We just got out of the staff room. GEORGE Yeah, we're going as overworked. LIONEL Where is it? ANNIE Garmin House. On third I think? LIONEL Third and Basin. I know it. Before Lionel jets to join them. TROY Yo man. If I'd gone to your High School, I'd have had your back. Lionel smiles and heads after his new friends. 78 EXT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 78 Lionel pauses before his old home - now filled with the chaos of a wild party. Lionel clears his throat and heads in. 79 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 79 The party is dark and rambunctious. Lots of white kids in costume. Some as fairies or ninjas or Spiderman - but most as pimps and thugs. As Blaxploitation characters. As Barack Obama and Condi Rice. As Shaft, Ice Cube, and 2 Chainz. It's a lot for Lionel. Cups are handed to them filled with "Purple Drank." Everyone downs the stuff. INT. GILLESPIE HALL - NIGHT Troy is being appreciated by an ancient COUPLE. TROY ...my own firm. Maybe run for office. Make a difference you know? 84. The couple smile. A buzz draws Troy's eyes to his phone - photos from "Dear White People" pop up in his news feed. 80 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 80 Lionel watches as Gordon and other Pastiche crew nervously put up flyers and posters. They seem caught off guard. Lionel glances at the posters - it's Kurt with a large Afro wig mimicking Sam's "Missing Black Culture" flyers. LIONEL This is kind of fucked up. Right? GEORGE Pastiche. The world's most erudite boneheads. Who wants another round? Come on Lionel, help a brother out. LIONEL Kitchen's this way. 80A ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS 80A Coco enters the party - blinged out like Nicki Minaj. She's feeling herself as she's handed a drink. She's got eyes on her - for the first time like this at a party. But she sees the same thing Lionel saw. Her confidence starts to fight a shame that creeps up beneath her party face. She switches her iPhone to video mode... COCO Hey there muffins. How do I look? Why are white folks so obsessed with being Black? And why are Black folks so addicted to Blonde Barbie doll weaves? Honeys it's a strange symbiosis we're here to explore... Coco's voice cracks as she stares into her own image on her iPhone. She pauses it and takes a breath. 80B HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 80B Lionel leads George through the dense crowd towards the kitchen - George pulls Lionel into a hallway and into... 80C BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 80C ...the bathroom and up against the door. George inhales Lionel's lips. Runs his fingers through Lionel's hair. 85. LIONEL Ouch. GEORGE Sorry. LIONEL It's okay. Can't wait to cut all this off. GEORGE Don't you dare. George plunges his fingers into Lionel's fro once again. Pulls a touch too hard. GEORGE (CONT'D) I could eat you like a Hershey's. This sets something off in Lionel. LIONEL I'll be right back. Lionel breaks George's grasp and heads out the bathroom... LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...and back out into the party. He's trapped in a nightmare of caricatures and reveling students. Can't breathe. EXT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT Lionel squeezes his way outside. Something goes off in his head as he starts walking away from the party. Just then Kurt arrives in front of the house with some friends. Looks at Lionel then at the house. KURT What the hell? 81 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER - NIGHT 81 Lionel paces the halls. His mind churns as he passes the dining hall. Sam and Reggie are engaged in something intense. DINING HALL SAM For a genius dude you're a fucking idiot. 86. REGGIE I did it, we did it for you. SAM I didn't ask for it Reggie. I look like I betrayed this house. REGGIE Yeah? Well you betrayed me. Sam gets up and storms out - brushes past Lionel. LIONEL Sam? Can we talk? Sam turns back around fiercely. 82 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 82 A turntable is uncovered and rolled out - as a DUDE DRESSED LIKE SERENA WILLIAMS starts up a MYSTIKAL record. The crowd starts to get live now. Coco continues to make her way through the party - her face visibly perturbed by the time she reaches the kitchen. She continues out back... 83 EXT. KURT'S BACKYARD - NIGHT 83 ...and sits pulling out a cigarette. She sees Annie put on a long straight Black wig and brag to friends... ANNIE Hey who am I? "Bitch it's weave. Noun. Present tense ho!" Right in the gut. She's playing Coco. Coco grabs her phone... 84 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 84 Kurt stumbles about the party in a daze. Drunk? Folks give him props while he searches for and spots Gordon with the others. His phone rings. KURT Yeah? INTERCUT COCO Kurt, it's me. I can't do this. 87. KURT Okay, I'm fucking confused. 85 INT. SAM'S ROOM - NIGHT 85 Lionel sits across from Sam. SAM What do you want me to do? Go over there and yell at them? LIONEL Have you heard you yelling? SAM This house is filled with folks willing to take up after a cause Lionel. Believe me. Never would have guessed you'd be one of them but... LIONEL For the first time in my life, I can't just sit around and do nothing. How can you? SAM If I'm caught being a part of anything like this...it wouldn't be good for me right now okay? Lionel gets up and walks towards the door. SAM (CONT'D) I'm done being everybody's angry Black chick. Sam looks down as Lionel gets up and heads out. Sam's focus shifts to her Super 8 resting by the door and then to a bullhorn directly across from it. Her mind ticks. 86 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER HALL - NIGHT 86 Lionel exits and paces down the hall. He walks by the dining room - taken over by Reggie, the BoFros, and a mix of other students mostly from ARMSTRONG / PARKER. 86A DINING HALL - CONTINUOUS 86A Lionel gingerly walks in the room. He's still an outsider here - but something's changed in him. 88. LIONEL Hey. How's it going. Hi. No one answers him - just stay to their own conversations. Lionel spots a familiar face...Sungmi. LIONEL (CONT'D) Hey...what is this? SUNGMI Black Student Union. Lionel smiles shyly. He should've known that. Reggie, Curls, Dreads and the Bofros hang out at the front. DREADS Your call then man. REGGIE (to everyone) Alright ya'll - thanks for coming out tonight. Looks like Sam's not making it so...let's just call it. The crowd starts to talk amongst themselves, get up and leave. Just then Lionel stands and before he can think... LIONEL Uh. Excuse me. Hi. I'm Lionel. Some of you...none of you probably know me. I've never been to a meeting. But I just came back from a party on campus and I think you should know about it. Lionel's nerves can be heard in his voice now. He's got the judging eyes of the room fixed silently on him. He sees an open laptop on a desk. LIONEL (CONT'D) Anybody mind if I? Reggie shifts a bit as Lionel goes to the laptop and pulls up the party on Facebook. The crowd gathers around as Lionel browses through the photos. LIONEL (CONT'D) I mean...I don't know. This is fucked up right? REGGIE Alright brother. What's the plan? 89. Lionel realizes the eyes aren't judging. They're mobilizing. Readying for action. Lionel steels himself. LIONEL We go over there. Now. CURLS Think there's enough of us? SUNGMI You know you don't have a monopoly on being a pissed off minority. Latino's United is meeting across the hall. Asian American League too. (off the stares) You guys got better snacks. 87 INT. GILLESPIE HALL - NIGHT 87 Troy scrolls through an endless amount of Facebook uploads from the party. Forties, bad Afro wigs, fake asses. Shoved in between two RICH OLD WELL TO DOS at a long table covered in empty plates and glasses - Troy looks across to his father, in mid exaggerated guffaw with President Fletcher. TROY Dad... DEAN FAIRBANKS Not now Troy. TROY It's important. There's something happening on campus. I might've... DEAN FAIRBANKS You're being rude son. Dean Fairbanks turns away. Troy ponders a moment and then-- TROY Oh am I? How about I tell your precious donors and anyone here who'll listen about the kind of a school it is they're giving to? The Dean can feel the eyes of the Donors and the President on him - an outrage comes over him as he pulls Troy aside. 90. DEAN FAIRBANKS I don't know who you think you are young man but you don't get to talk to your father any kind of way. TROY All I say to you is yes sir and no sir! Look I should've brought this up before but -- (off Fairbanks dismissal) -- listen to me! Dean Fairbanks tries to cover this moment with a smile. 88 INT. KURT'S KITCHEN - NIGHT 88 Kurt, still dazed, huddles with his core Pastiche group. KURT What? GORDON Yeah dude. We all got it. I mean, everything's cool right? A noise in the other room startles them... 88A LIVING ROOM 88A ...It's Reggie who knocks over a bowl of chips. Dreads argues with a few people. Martin rips shades off a kid's face. The party swarms with BSU kids and their Latino / Asian allies. A SMASH yanks Kurt's attention back to the kitchen... 88B KITCHEN 88B ...where Lionel smashes bottles of liquor in the sink. KURT Lionel? Kurt yanks the booze from Lionel and shoves him. KURT (CONT'D) The fuck you think you're doing man? Lionel shoves Kurt into the bar divide. A few of the BSU kids flood into the kitchen and hold Kurt back. KURT (CONT'D) That all you got? 91. LIONEL We're putting an end to this Kurt. KURT Fuck you I'm calling the cops. MARTIN Half of this crowd is under 21. A loud AMP sound alerts everyone to the DJ platform in the Living Room. 88C LIVING ROOM 88C Mitch has taken over the mic. MITCH Gimme that mic Before I slap ya Looking for some dykes, that wanna another chapta. If you do me slow, you can do me faster, I'll pass you to the Nigga on my right, he gets you after. LIONEL Kurt-- KURT -- Why don't you tuck your tail between your legs, run and tell the Dean and get the fuck out. Lionel sinks from this attack while his posse from BSU watches helplessly as the party goes back into full swing. Lionel turns to go and spots... ...George who joins Annie, fresh beer in hand. But right behind George is... ...Sam, having just arrived with her camera in hand pointed at the rap battle. She winks at Lionel. Lionel turns around - summons something from deep inside. Lionel steps onto the DJ platform and snatches the mic out of one of the rapper's hands. LIONEL Heyyyy! Hoooo! Heyyy! Hooo! 92. The crowd is with it - thinks it's part of the show as Lionel proceeds to freestyle terribly... LIONEL (CONT'D) My name is Lionel, Some people call me Li. Lots of people think that I talk kinda white. Well that's alright. Yeah that's cool. I'd rather you think I'm white, than tap dance for you. With that Lionel takes the mic and SMASHES it on the wall. He then takes the turntable by his hands and flips it over. Sparks fly - the amp goes crazy - the crowd is in shock. Lionel grabs a speaker tower and slams it to the ground. Lionel's off the platform now. Kurt grabs him - Reggie pushes Kurt away in his defense. Gordon grabs Reggie - A FIGHT BREAKS OUT. More equipment is slammed to the ground and stomped on as the party disintegrates into chaos. Sam dodges fights to capture it all with the camera. Art is being ripped from the walls. Dishes being smashed on the ground. Arguments come to physical blows. The steel in Sam's gaze fades. Replaced by...heartbreak? And then she spots... ...Coco squeezing her way through the crowd for the door. Sam's camera and mic stay trained on Coco. COCO What? Say it. Come on. Sam stays silent. COCO (CONT'D) This may come as a shock, but these people don't give a fuck about no Harriet muthafuckin Tubman. They pay millions of dollars on their tans, their lips, their asses, Jay- Z tickets, you name it, cause they wanna be us. (MORE) 93. COCO (CONT'D) So they got to be for a night.I'm not about to go out into the streets in protest of a Halloween party. Sam keeps her mouth shut and her camera rolling as Coco realizes it's herself she's trying to convince. Coco storms off. Sam exhales and lowers her camera. This is new for her. Keeping her mouth shut. 89 EXT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 89 Coco trudges down the side walk - yanks off her hair, her lashes, her bling - shedding the shame of the night. 90 EXT. KURT'S YARD - NIGHT 90 Kurt hustles Lionel out into the yard. Kurt shoves him to the ground. KURT Dude. I know you can't help it... Lionel just gets back up again only to be slammed down. KURT (CONT'D) ...but why are you such a fag dude? Lionel spits in Kurt's face and pops right back up again. We see it in his eyes - he'll never give up. Kurt's hand is on Lionel's collar. He pushes him down again. Kids are all around - some from the BSU - some from Pastiche - some from the Bugle. Everyone holds an opposite party back. Lionel looks over at his audience and then into Kurt's eyes. Lionel leans in and kisses Kurt on the mouth long and hard. LIONEL Finally got me where you want me. Kurt's in shock. He looks at his crew who laugh at him. Lionel sees the surprise in the eyes of his new supporters as well. No time to soak this in though. Kurt's let up. For a moment. Lionel turns back to Kurt and PUNCHES him in the face. The BSU kids go CRAZY in support. The shock gone - Kurt damn near knocks Lionel out. The world goes all slow motion and out of focus. Lionel sort of makes out that Kurt is yanked off him. 94. Kids run in different directions - Flashlights fill the yard - One is shone directly on Lionel. CAMPUS SAFETY GUARDS and a couple POLICE OFFICERS surround him. 91 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 91 The motor on Sam's Super 8 ticks away. The party is at a complete standstill. Troy enters and looks around in disbelief. Makes eye contact with Kurt who is being held by a Campus Safety Officer. Dean Fairbanks enters and stands in the middle of the chaos. Sam tip toes in for a close up and holds out a small mic. DEAN FAIRBANKS What is all this? 92 INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT 92 A SERIES OF SHOTS FROM A MOVIE BEING PROJECTED ON A SCREEN We see the Dean looking about the party with disappointment. CUT TO: 92A KURT looking bewildered outside his house after the 92A party. We hear BOOS from a crowd. The carnage is devastating. Windows are blown out - trash and destroyed furniture on the lawn. Ash where fires were put out. KURT I didn't do this. Sam. I had nothing to do with this. CUT TO: 92B MORNING NEWS 92B ANCHOR What some are calling a "race war" has erupted at one of the nation's oldest and most prestigious -- CUT TO: 92 GILLESPIE FORUM now filled with students who sit before 92 Dean Fairbanks and President Fletcher for a Town Hall. Everyone wears a look of outrage. 95. DEAN FAIRBANKS We don't condone this egregious event and are investigating its origins. The president and I are looking at ways to address issues of Diversity at Manchester. REGGIE HOUSING REFORM! Applause breaks out amongst the crowd. But so do boos. CUT TO: 93 VARIOUS SPOTS AROUND CAMPUS. Students address the camera. 93 MITCH I'm sorry but it's bullshit. Yo this is how we get down. If you can't take a joke in this day and age? The fact we can joke about it proves we've moved on you feel me? This is an attack on free speech! We're the victims here! CUT TO: 93A A series of Busts have been PAINTED IN BLACK FACE outside 93A of Armstrong / Parker where Lionel address the camera... LIONEL It's hard enough for us to even get into a school like this. Let alone succeed. Find our way. This is only a debate because of who Kurt's dad is, which just proves the point. All you did was have a radio show and look what happened to you. CUT TO: 93B COCO as she talks directly to camera. 93B COCO I know this may come as a shock, but nobody gives a fuck about no Harriet muthafuckin Tubman...they wanna be us. So they got to be for a night. CUT TO: 96. 93C A POSTER featuring Troy rendered like the famous Shepard 93C Fairy Obama posters with the words "A NEW HOPE" written at the bottom as well as "TROY BROUSSARD FOR PRESIDENT." This gets some more applause from the crowd watching. TROY Of course I got my dad involved. It was the right thing to do. I didn't mean for all this to happen. All the posters and everything. SAM (O.S.) But you'd welcome it? A shot for school president. TROY I think...I'd make more than few people happy if I ran. CUT TO: 93D RADIO BOOTH - where Sam puts her headphones on. She 93D lingers. SAM (V.O.) Even though I'd been expressly forbidden to do so, I wanted to do one last show. Something to sum up the moment. To savor in the pop of the post racial bubble just burst. SAM Dear White People... SAM (V.O.) I wanted to react. Sam takes in a thoughtful breath before... SAM ...Know what? Nevermind. She fades in a melancholy piece of Be-Bop before hanging her headpones up as the title on the projected movie fades in: "...BLACK FACES BY SAMANTHA WHITE" Sam stares nervously at the screen as the lights come on, when all at once the room BREAKS INTO APPLAUSE. Sam turns to see that the entire room is on it's feet including Prof Bodkin and Gabe. 97. 94 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY 94 Dean Fairbanks loosens his tie, flanked by several SCHOOL OFFICIALS. They've been here for hours listening to... KURT Once I heard what the group was planning, I sent out an email to the staff to cancel it. You have the email printed in front of you. DEAN FAIRBANKS Who's this? Kurt turns to a SUITED MAN next to him. KURT My lawyer. CUT TO: 94B We'll be cross cutting between several of these sessions. 94B COCO So when I got the invite and saw everyone clicking "yes" I figured it was back on. DEAN FAIRBANKS You were hoping to make the staff? COCO ... CUT TO: DEAN FAIRBANKS At what point in time did you show up to the event? 94C Sam sits with arms folded. 94C DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) Samantha. Please. SAM Why am I even here? CUT TO: KURT 94 Guys throw parties at the house all 94 the time. 98. DEAN FAIRBANKS We know you were planning this. KURT Your son tell you that? CUT TO: 94D Fairbanks stares down his son. Troy is silent and anxious. 94D DEAN FAIRBANKS (reading) "...wishing you could sip on Henny out yo crunk cup without a Bitch giving you the side-eye?" (and then) You write this Troy? Troy looks up at his father embarrassed. TROY No. Mine wasn't chosen. DEAN FAIRBANKS But you wanted to be? TROY What I wanted didn't matter then. Why should it matter now? I told you about the party, remember? CUT TO: DEAN FAIRBANKS 94 The invite came from the Pastiche 94 Facebook account. KURT I loathe Facebook. An OFFICIAL whispers something in Fairbanks' ear. KURT (CONT'D) You've got to believe me. DEAN FAIRBANKS You've used that line on me before this year Mr. Fletcher. When a homophobic message mysteriously appeared on a voice mail line you shared with a roommate. CUT TO: 99. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) What were your intentions when you went back the second time? LIONEL To stop it. DEAN FAIRBANKS By any means necessary? LIONEL Someone once told me...Manchester is like jazz. I don't know much about jazz. But from what I can tell, when your solo's up, you better blow. Fairbanks fights a smile. CUT TO: 94C SAM 94C All I did that night was hit record brother. The Dean takes a gulp from a glass of water. He stands and looks out his huge windows onto the campus below. CUT TO: 94E The Dean has Facebook opened on his computer. Officials 94E are taking a break. Drinking water. Discussing the day. The Dean tries a few passwords. CUT TO: 94C DEAN FAIRBANKS 94C Want to hear something strange? The Dean turns from the window. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) The Pastiche group page hadn't been used for months, until the invite went out. CUT TO: 94E The Dean tries a different password. Still invalid. 94E CUT TO: 100. 94C SAM 94C Fascinating. DEAN FAIRBANKS Well what's interesting is how easy it was to access the group before the note was sent. The password was "Pa$tiche" spelled with a dollar sign according to Kurt. Seems recently it's been changed. CUT TO: 94E The Dean tries one more. It works. 94E CUT TO: 94C DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) 94C Couldn't figure it out at first. Then I thought to try something. Five, seven, eight, three, five, twenty six, one, nine, four, six. Eleven numbers. Just like our student ID numbers. Just like your student ID number. SAM As much as you hate him, you will stop at nothing to protect your master and his boy. DEAN FAIRBANKS Did you send out the invite Sam? SAM That invite, whoever sent it should've been met with derision and outrage. Instead, a hundred people showed up and they pulled out posters and decorations and costumes they'd made for just such an occasion. Sam and Dean Fairbanks at a stalemate. Silence falls in the room. The Dean's mind ticks. 95 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 95 A pack of EMERALD BUGLE newspapers hit the stand with the headline: "INVESTIGATION INCONCLUSIVE! FLETCHER GOES FREE. NO EXPULSIONS MADE" 101. Next to it is another stack of papers from the INDEPENDENT OBSERVER. The headline reads: "EBONY & IVY: CAN THERE BE HARMONY? BY LIONEL HIGGINS." George picks up a copy of the Observer and starts to read... 96 INT. TROY AND LIONEL'S APARTMENT - DAY 96 Lionel flips through his own article as well. A satisfied grin on his face as a razor makes its way through his hair. LIONEL 2 Chainz? Shaft? While endless complex depictions of whites, white men in particular exist - there aren't that many versions of us in the culture. His locks waft towards the ground as Troy styles a fresh and fearless fro-hawk atop Lionel's head. LIONEL (CONT'D) Culture has a powerful way of telling people what they can and can't be. For people of color the options are rather limited. TROY Next James Baldwin up in here. Wait hold on a sec. Star Trek is back from commercial break. Troy and Lionel watch in silence. 97 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 97 Gabe is just about finished with Lionel's article too. Looks up just in time to see... GABE Hello Sam. Sam sneers at his formalities. GABE (CONT'D) Read about Armstrong / Parker. SAM Yeah. Prez made an executive withdrawal. Armstrong stays Black. GABE Congrats? 102. SAM (with a shrug) Getting too dramatic man. Thinking about getting an apartment off campus. We'll see. GABE Sam going against the grain? Shocked. How's papa White? SAM He's recovering. GABE Good. Well... Gabe fights the urge to hug her. SAM We were actually on the phone last night for hours. First time we talked since the bypass. He was putting up a strong front. Teasing me about being so worried. Then came the stories about me as a little girl I'd heard a thousand times. About how independent I was. Gabe smiles politely. Senses she needs a moment. GABE Want to talk about it? SAM My mother worked nights so he would take me to school. And it pissed me off because he would follow me all the way to homeroom. Every time he tried to hold my hand I'd scream and pull away. He thought I was just being...difficult. A hint of recognition in Gabe. Is this about them? SAM (CONT'D) But it was the kids. And the parents and the teachers. They'd see this Black girl and this white man and wonder what we were doing together. Even at nine I could feel their eyes on me. Especially at nine. It brought tears to my eyes. Gabe's stone face melts at this. 103. SAM (CONT'D) I was just a bratty girl, didn't know any better but-- The thought of losing him-- You know? I just feel so bad. How awful am I to do that to him? To anyone I love? Gabe gets it. This is an explanation. An apology, to him. His arm is on her shoulder now. GABE I'm sure he forgives you. SAM Think so? Gabe nods. Sam's normal defenses come back up lest she cries. SAM (CONT'D) So anyway. I didn't mean to say all of that. I don't know why I did. GABE Sam. Where are you going? SAM I don't know. Lunch? Gabe starts to walk with her. GABE Isn't it Mac and Cheese day at Armstrong/Parker? SAM Think they'll let you in? Gabe smiles. They walk a bit. Then he grabs her hand. Sam lets the moment happen. Squeezes his back. They look into each others' eyes. Don't even notice as Reggie and the Bofros pass them by. 98 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 98 Coco sits across from Helmut. He's got his eyes on a Youtube clip from Sam's movie featuring Coco. COCO (YOUTUBE) I know this may come as a shock, but they don't give a fuck about no Harriet muthafuckin Tubman... 104. HELMUT Two hundred thousand views. Look they even auto-tuned it. With a click Helmut pulls it up. AUTOTUNED COCO (YOUTUBE) Muthafuckin Tubman! Muthatfuckin Tubman! Don't give a fuck about no muthafuckin Tubman! Coco's not sure what to think. HELMUT Couple months, that's how long shooting for an episode takes. We recommend you cut your course load in half to accommodate the schedule. COCO Half? HELMUT Trust me it it'll read "full-time" in the episode. If...once we go to series, we might have to figure out a summer schedule. COCO For shooting? HELMUT For uh...classes and stuff. Won't be graduating early anymore sweetheart. Helmut shifts a contract over to Coco. HELMUT (CONT'D) Five grand for the episode. Twenty each if you get picked up for series. What do you say? Coco stares at the contract and back at Helmut. HELMUT (CONT'D) Trust me sweetie it's the same out there as it is in here. Good news is? Against all that damn white you and I? We pop. Think I wanted to be the go-to producer for all things Black? 105. Coco shrugs. HELMUT (CONT'D) Tell you what's worse though. Being that broke Nigga stuck on the south side of Chicago. Hundred and Fiftieth street. Coco takes a deep breath. Stares right into his eyes -- 99 EXT. MANCHESTER - DAY 99 Coco exits a building and spots Troy up ahead. He's flanked by his former enemies turned supporters, Reggie and the other BoFros. They all carry Troy's "New Hope" posters. COCO Made some new friends? Troy shrugs as Coco grabs for his hand. He pulls away and shares a glance with Reggie, who doesn't approve. COCO (CONT'D) Fine. TROY Come on Coco. COCO Fuck you. Coco starts to walk ahead. TROY My dad saw your videos. He's a little worried about -- COCO -- how it'll look. With your campaign and all. What's your best friend Reggie think? Troy motions for Reggie to go on ahead. TROY We had fun, alright? COCO I get everyone else wants you to win Troy. But do you? Troy doesn't know how to answer that. He stares at the triumphant, winning version of himself on his poster. 106. Coco's eyes shift longingly as she walks ahead - unsure of who she is at the moment and who she will be in the next. Watching her is Lionel and Sam - sitting with Gabe and Sungmi. They both know that look well... SAM Hey Lionel. With me out and Troy moving on - A/P's going to need a new head of house. LIONEL Think there's a story there? Who do you think it'll be? Sam and Sungmi share a glance and stare right at Lionel. LIONEL (CONT'D) What? No. SUNGMI Everyone loves you. Won't be hard to rally the vote. SAM Yeah. We got you man. Lionel takes in this moment. One of complete acceptance. 100 INT. FLETCHERS OFFICE - DAY 100 Fairbanks turns from the window in Fletcher's office to join him at his desk. They're all ears as they look across to... HELMUT Let me get this straight. First you tried to break up the Black house. Then you took down the sister with the little radio show. And after all that, your kid throws a Blackface party? FLETCHER Now wait a minute! HELMUT You thought you were having money problems before? Wait till cable gets their hands on this story. Bill Maher is gon' fuck you up! FLETCHER I have heard enough -- 107. HELMUT -- Wait I'm sorry. Look from where I'm sitting this place is a goldmine. DEAN FAIRBANKS What? HELMUT For one we got to show the events that led up to the party -- DEAN FAIRBANKS -- That already happened. HELMUT Well yeah, but we can reenact -- DEAN FAIRBANKS -- reenact? HELMUT Documentary term...Look, I can start putting together an overall deal today. I'm talking real money! Turns out the one thing America likes in it's reality more than ignant Black folks, is crazy racist White people! DEAN FAIRBANKS Now you look here. This is an honorable institution. The idea that we would so much as entertain this suggestion -- Fletcher holds his hand up. His turn to speak. FLETCHER How much we talking? Fairbanks' outrage turns to resignation as Helmut, the one winner here smiles. Dollar signs in his eyes. 100 CUT TO BLACK. 100
DEATH AT A FUNERAL Written by Chris Rock & Aeysha Carr Based on "Death at a Funeral" by Dean Craig 02/6/09 FADE IN: MUSIC CUE: "DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY" by Bobby McFerrin plays as we BEGIN CREDITS INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY We pan across a room filled with caskets. EXT. CHURCH - DAY People somberly walk into a church. EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY We see the signs outside of various funeral homes. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY We close in on a HEADSTONE that reads: "DEATH AT A FUNERAL". EXT. CHURCH - DAY ASIAN PALL BEARERS carry a coffin into a church. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY We push in on another headstone that reads: "Starring Chris Rock". As we push through the cemetery, we see various co- stars' names chiseled on headstones. We see a fleet of hearses driving through a cemetery. INT. FLORIST - DAY We see a FLORIST making a funeral arrangement. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY CLOSE UP of another headstone that has the director's name chiseled on it. END CREDITS INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY MUSIC CUE: The music fades out. TIGHT SHOT on AARON (CHRIS ROCK) thirties, dressed in a black suit and tie. He looks straight ahead with a somber expression. The camera pulls back to reveal he is watching FOUR UNDERTAKERS (INCLUDING BRIAN) place a coffin on a raised platform. (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: The living room has been prepared for the funeral service, with several rows of chairs laid out. BRIAN Would you like to see... Aaron nods his head "yes", as BRIAN begins to open the coffin. Aaron crosses to the coffin. There's a dramatic moment as Aaron moves to the coffin and braces himself for what he's about to see. The coffin opens and Aaron stares long and hard at the body. AARON Brian... who is that? BRIAN Excuse me? AARON Who is this man I'm looking at? 'Cause it's not my father. BRIAN Are you sure? AARON Are you asking me if I'm sure I know what my father looks like? BRIAN People make mistakes in times of grief. AARON Man, look at the damn body! Brian peers into the coffin. We see it's an ASIAN MAN. BRIAN Oh shit! The other undertakers look embarrassed. AARON Come on, Brian. You know what my father looks like. He used to take you to little league. BRIAN I'm sorry, man. I got a little nervous. This almost never happens. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: (2) AARON It's happened before?! You mean this is a normal thing?... This isn't Burger King. You can't just mess up my order. BRIAN I think I know where he is. AARON You think? CUT TO: INT. ASIAN FUNERAL - SAME TIME Close up of the casket opening. People look confused. The MAN looking into the coffin speaks Chinese with subtitles. ASIAN MAN (IN CHINESE) That's not my father. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME AARON I better .,see my dad in this coffin in an hour, or you're going to take his place. The undertakers pick up the coffin and shuffle out awkwardly. BRIAN Don't worry. I'll get him, man. AARON You do that. (TO HIMSELF) My people, my people, my people... INT. BEDROOM - DAY Aaron enters the bedroom. His wife, MICHELLE, also thirties, attractive, is putting on makeup with a thermometer hanging from her mouth. Aaron stands looking dumbfounded. AARON They brought the wrong body. Can you believe that? (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: MICHELLE (muffled because of THERMOMETER) The wrong body?! Do they know where he is? AARON They think so. They're getting him now. The thermometer beeps and Michelle removes it from her mouth.. MICHELLE I told you not to use Marshals. But no, you wanted to keep it in the neighborhood. I know Swartz costs a little more, but at least they know where the bodies are. Michelle writes something down on a piece of paper as Aaron crosses the room and sits on the bed. AARON You were right. Please don't rub it in, not today. I've got so much to worry about. Michelle gets up and heads to the bathroom as Aaron takes out some index cards and looks them over. AARON (CONT'D) Dad insisted on having the funeral here, Mom's crying all the time, Ryan didn't help with anything, not like he ever does! Plus my eulogy sucks. I can't wait until this day is over. MICHELLE (O.S.) Oh come on, honey. I'm sure it's not that bad. AARON If it is, at least Dad's too dead to hear it. Michelle exits the bathroom. MICHELLE Honey, it's going to be fine. (CONTINUED) 5 CONTINUED: (2) AARON It doesn't matter what I write. All anybody's going to be thinking is "why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? Even I'm going to be thinking it. She holds him close. MICHELLE Baby, you're the oldest. You have to do the eulogy. Besides, I think you're just as good a writer as your brother. You just need to let someone read your book. Aaronlooks away. AARON Soon. It's not ready to be read yet. MICHELLE I'm sure it's fine. Once the funeral's over, and everything dies DOWN-- Aaron gives her a look. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Sorry. Look, once this is all over, you know your mom's thinking about selling the house, so you know we've got to get out.of here. Aaron looks a little uncomfortable and heads to the bathroom. MICHELLE (CONT'D) You called them, right? Silence from Aaron in the next room. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Aaron?... You put the down payment on the condo, right? AARON (O.C.) I said I'd take care of it and I'll take care of it. Michelle looks frustrated and crosses into the bathroom. 6. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron is at the mirror. MICHELLE You better, because I can't live with your mother anymore. I've done my time, now it's time for your brother to take over. From now on, it's only Christmas and birthdays for us. Once we move, we can concentrate on your writing and our baby. Michelle gets down on her knees and starts unzipping Aaron's pants. Aaron pulls back. AARON Hey, hey, hey. Are you serious? We have to do this today? Michelle is still on the ground. MICHELLE Yes. Today's the last day of this cycle. AARON Can I at least find the body first? EXT. FREEWAY - WIDE SHOT - DAY We see NORMAN'S CAR speeding along the freeway. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - DAY NORMAN, black, slightly heavier and riddled with anxiety, is driving. His friend, DEREK, an attractive, white, clean cut doctor, rides in the passenger seat. NORMAN I hate funerals. It's all death, death, death. DEREK I don't think funerals are designed for anybody to really like. NORMAN I don't want a regular funeral. When I die, I want people to celebrate my life. (CONTINUED) Death at a Funeral 02/6/09 CONTINUED: DEREK Not me. I want it to be the saddest day ever. I want the stock market to stop. Schools to close. And no garbage pick-up. Derek starts to light a cigarette. NORMAN You still smoke? DEREK You used to smoke. NORMAN I used to piss my pants too, but I stopped. The only thing I want black is my skin. At least open the window. Derek opens the window very slightly. NORMAN (CONT'D) I've got enough problems of my own to deal with. DEREK (DUBIOUS) Yeah? What problems? NORMAN I told you... About the rash... DEREK Got to use condoms. NORMAN .on my hand... DEREK Still got to use condoms. NORMAN Look at it. Norman pulls up his sleeve and makes Derek look at his wrist, but he doesn't take a great deal of interest. DEREK That's not a rash. NORMAN What is it? (CONTINUED) B. CONTINUED: (2) DEREK I don't know, but it doesn't look right. NORMAN Oh, damn. Norman continues to drive. Derek continues to smoke. NORMAN (CONT'D) If you hate funerals so much why are you coming? DEREK You know why. NORMAN Come on, man, leave Elaine alone. DEREK I can't. She's the one. NORMAN So you're going to win her back over a dead body? DEREK If I have to. INT. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY ELAINE, very attractive, 27, and her boyfriend OSCAR, white, 35, are driving along wearing funeral attire. Oscar looks quite anxious as he keeps his eyes firmly on the road. ELAINE Are you okay? OSCAR Yeah, just a little nervous... ELAINE About seeing my dad? OSCAR I just don't think I've ever been so openly hated by anyone before. ELAINE He doesn't hate you. He just loved Derek. (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: OSCAR Great. That makes me feel much better. ELAINE At least you know it's not you, so try not to get so nervous when he's around. OSCAR I can't help it. He puts me on edge. I feel like I owe him money. ELAINE He's going to be more.concerned that his brother-in-law just died. He won't be focused on you. Anyway, when I tell him we're getting married, he'll have to accept you. Elaine takes his hand. As they exchange a loving look, Oscar takes his eyes off the road for just a brief moment. Suddenly there's a BUMP!!! And we see a bicyclist flying over Oscar's car. Oscar screeches to a halt. They jump out of the car. OSCAR Oh my God. Are you okay? The guy gets up. He's fine. BIKE GUY Yeah, I'm fine. OSCAR Are you sure? Is anything broken? I'm so sorry. BIKE GUY It was my fault. I ran a light. Oscar starts hyperventilating. OSCAR I could have killed you. What if you had cracked your head open? I'd have blood on my hands! Elaine shakes him. ELAINE Oscar, calm down! (BEAT) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: (2) ELAINE (CONT'D) You heard the man, he ran a light. Come on, let's get out of here before he wants to sue. She grabs him and pulls him into the car. INT. BATHROOM - DAY The camera is close on Michelle's head which is moving back and forth. We pull back to reveal Aaron. They are doing it standing up. MICHELLE What's taking you so long? AARON I just started. MICHELLE You want this baby as much me. Come on. AARON I'm trying. MICHELLE If I didn't want you to come, you would have done it five minutes ago. AARON Do I have to do this today? The door opens and a HOUSEKEEPER sticks her head in. HOUSEKEEPER Who's picking up Uncle Russell?-- Aaron and Elaine quickly pull apart. As the Housekeeper steps back out into the hall. AARON Oh shit, Uncle Russell. Aaron fixes his pants as he exits the room. INT. NORMAN'S CAR MOVING - DAY Norman's cell phone RINGS. He answers. NORMAN Hello?... How are you?... Okay.. 11. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS AARON I need you to pick up Uncle Russell. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS NORMAN Uncle Russell?! Damn! He's always in a bad mood. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS AARON It's not a mood if he's always in it. It's his personality. Can you do it? INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS NORMAN Alright... 'Alright. I'll do it. See you soon. Bye. Norman hangs up irritated. EXT. WIDE SHOT OF A FREEWAY - DAY We see Norman's car exiting the freeway. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Michelle are standing to the side as the undertakers place the coffin on the stand. Brian nervously lifts the lid and Aaron looks inside. BRIAN (RESPECTFUL) So is this your father? AARON Come on, man. You know that's my father. BRIAN Just trying to be professional. What up, Michelle? MICHELLE (DRYLY) Brian. (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: He closes the lid and all four undertakers quietly head off. Aaron looks up and sees his mother, Cynthia, has entered the room. Cynthia is clearly drained and tired. She stares at the coffin. AARON Mom, how are you feeling? CYNTHIA There were so many things we wanted to do... We were going to go to China. AARON China? You don't even like Chinese food. CYNTHIA That's not the point. I haven't been feeling good. Who knows how long I'm going to live without him. It happens all the time. One spouse goes and then the next. I mean, it might be different if I had a grandchild to take my mind off of everything. MICHELLE Cynthia, I-- They all cross to the coffin. AARON (cuts Michelle off) Come on, Mom. You're healthy. You'll be fine. You've got your friends and family... Cynthia, Aaron and Michelle stand around the coffin. CYNTHIA Where is Ryan? Have you heard from him? AARON He'll be here soon. CYNTHIA Just seeing that boy's face makes me feel better. I've missed him so much. My baby. (CONTINUED) 13. CONTINUED: (2) She looks down at the coffin. Aaron turns away frustrated. Michelle gently touches the coffin. MICHELLE Do you need anything, Cynthia? CYNTHIA Yeah, you can get your hand off my husband's coffin. You're leaving smudge marks. Michelle tries to wipe it off with her sleeve. EXT. STREET - JEFF'S HOUSE - DAY MUSIC: "PAPER PLANE" by M.I.A. Elaine and Oscar are walking up the stairs of a typical college apartment building. INT. JEFF'S HOUSE - SAME The music is coming from Jeff's speakers. JEFF, dressed for the funeral, sits at his desk. He's holding a pill bottle that says: "VALIUM." JEFF Yeah, I found them. The ones in the Valium bottle?... Yeah... I'll get them to you this evening... Can't do this afternoon... It's your fault you left them here... I've got a funeral... My uncle died... Yeah, tragic... No, I haven't taken any. I saw what they did to you... What are they anyway?... The doorbell rings. JEFF (CONT'D) I've gotta go, my sister's here... I'll take them with me and stop by after the funeral... Bye. The doorbell rings again. JEFF (CONT'D) Hang on! Jeff stands up and we see that he's only half dressed for the funeral. He doesn't have any pants on. (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: He puts the bottle on the counter then crosses to the door and lets Elaine and Oscar inside. JEFF (CONT'D) Hey, what's up? ELAINE Do you always open the door half naked? Come on, Jeff. We're going to be late. JEFF I've just got to put my pants on and I'm ready. Oscar is still a little shaky. JEFF (CONT'D) (RE: OSCAR) Is he okay? ELAINE Oscar's freaked out. A guy on a bike ran into the car. OSCAR It came out of nowhere. I didn't see him. I'm sorry. ELAINE It's okay, baby. (then to Jeff) Go put your damn pants on. JEFF I'm going. I'm going. Jeff heads off to the bathroom and closes the door. Elaine spots the bottle of Valium on the table and picks it up. ELAINE Here. Take this..: It'll calm you down. OSCAR What is it? ELAINE It's just Valium. (gets a glass of water) I used to take them all the time... It'll make you feel better, promise. (CONTINUED) 15. CONTINUED: (2) I OSCAR Are you sure? I mean, I've got to drive. ELAINE It'll be okay. I'll drive, honey. Come on, open wide. She pops the pill in his mouth and hands him some water. Oscar swallows. Jeff returns wearing pants. JEFF Ready. Let's do it. Oscar and Elaine leave, Jeff surreptitiously picks up the Valium bottle, puts it in his pocket, then follows them out. INT/EXT. ENTRY WAY - SAME TIME CAMERA is in the entry way now shooting outside. A TOWN CAR exits, leaving Ryan in front of the house. RYAN, Aaron's younger brother is taller, more confident, and more successful. He moves slowly towards CAMERA and through the front doorway as CAMERA PULLS BACK with him. RYAN Hello! Mom! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Michelle, Aaron and Cynthia are on the couch as Ryan enters the living room. CYNTHIA Ryan! Cynthia runs over to Ryan and flings her arms around him. Aaron looks a bit lost in the background with Michelle but they walk over. RYAN I know this is hard, Mom. But you're going to be okay. CYNTHIA You always know exactly what to say, Ryan. I'm so glad you're here. RYAN I'm always here for you, Mom. (CONTINUED) 16. CONTINUED: AARON I guess if people died every week, we'd see you all the time. Ryan turns to Aaron and Michelle. RYAN Aaron, how are you? AARON I'm alright. MICHELLE How was the flight? RYAN Okay. I had to buy the seat next to me because I don't trust the airlines with my bags. And there was a lot of turbulence... I guess that's the thing about flying first class. It doesn't matter how much you pay if the plane crashes, you still end up dead-- uh... Ryan realizes what he's said and stops speaking abruptly. It's too much for Cynthia who rushes upstairs. AARON "End up dead"? RYAN Oh damn. MICHELLE I'll make sure she's okay. Michelle heads off upstairs. EXT. LAKEVIEW RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - SAME TIME We see Norman's car turn into "Lakeview Retirement Community." He drives past the sign and through a gate. INT. NORMAN'S CAR/EXT. LAKEVIEW - DAY Norman is driving behind three OLD LADIES on mobile chairs. He's honking at them. He finally sees Uncle Russell. NORMAN There he is. (CONTINUED) 17. CONTINUED: DEREK You didn't tell me the guy was in a wheelchair. UNCLE RUSSELL, an elderly man in a wheelchair, sits in his chair. Norman drives forward and stops alongside the old man. He rolls down his window and speaks very slowly with a huge smile on his face. NORMAN (OVER ENUNCIATING) Hello, Uncle Russell. How are you? We're here to take you to the funeral. UNCLE RUSSELL Where the fuck have you been, you fat bastard? You're late. If you took any longer I'd be dead, too. The fake smile falls off Norman's face. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan sees the coffin and slowly heads over with Aaron trailing behind. He stands over the coffin. It finally registers that his DAD is actually in there. RYAN It's hard to see Dad like this. But he's in a better place now. AARON When does dead beat sick? RYAN I guess you're right. This is why I try not to get close to people. There's too much emotion involved. AARON Well that explains why you never call. RYAN What do you want me to say? Some families talk to each other all the time, some just see each other at funerals. That's us. AARON I guess it is. (CONTINUED) 18 CONTINUED: Ryan takes a seat in one of the chairs flanking the coffin. Aaron sits as well. AARON (CONT'D) By the way, I'm going to need that money. RYAN What money? AARON The money for all this... the funeral. You're supposed to pay half. RYAN What about the insurance? AARON That's Mom's money. RYAN What about the pension? AARON That's Mom's money. RYAN Oh. AARON So we're spliting the cost. RYAN Are we? AARON Yes. We are. RYAN Oh, okay. AARON So? RYAN I don't have it right now. AARON What do you mean, you don't have it? You just bought a first class seat for your bag. (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: (2) RYAN And that's why I don't have any cash. INT.. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY Elaine is now driving, Oscar is sitting in the passenger seat looking a little spaced out, with Jeff in the back. Jeff leans forward. JEFF So, poor old Uncle Eddie... ELAINE Yeah. But he was sick for so long. He's much better off now. JEFF Dead? Since when does dead beat sick? ELAINE Shut up, Jeff. Jeff turns his attention to Oscar. JEFF I love when you come to family functions, Oscar. Because then Dad focuses all his hate on you. There's no response from Oscar. He looks distantly out the window. The pills are starting to kick in. JEFF (CONT'D) Oscar? OSCAR Was there a dog in here just now? Elaine looks at Oscar very-strangely. ELAINE What? He sniffs. OSCAR Dalmatian? No, Schnauzer... A beat. (CONTINUED) 20. CONTINUED: ELAINE What the hell are you talking about? Oscar falls silent and just goes back to looking out the window. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - LATER Uncle Russell is asleep in the back. Norman is looking for a parking space, but the street and long driveway are packed with cars. A catering truck and flower van are taking up a lot of space. NORMAN There's nowhere to park. Then the small flower delivery van pulls out. Derek points out the newly empty space. DEREK That truck is pulling out. Park there. NORMAN Alright. Just as he's about to drive in, another car takes it. NORMAN (CONT'D) What the hell? EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman gets out of the car. The other car contains Jeff, Oscar and Elaine. Jeff gets out first followed by Elaine. NORMAN Elaine, I was going to park there. ELAINE Are you family, Norman? NORMAN Well, no, but I'm like family. ELAINE No such thing. Derek leans out the window. DEREK Hi, Elaine. (CONTINUED) 21. CONTINUED: ELAINE What are you doing here? DEREK Your father invited me. ELAINE Oh please. She grabs Oscar and heads to the house followed by Jeff. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS Norman gets back into his car. Uncle Russell stirs. UNCLE RUSSELL What's happening? DEREK Did you see that?... She totally blew me off. The flower delivery van has been waiting to move forward. It's driver beeps the horn. UNCLE RUSSELL I said what's happening? Are we there?. Norman turns around and looks at Uncle Russell. NORMAN Aw, damn. I have Uncle Russell. How could I forget about Uncle Russell? Derek has other concerns and the van beeps again. NORMAN (CONT'D) (to the Van) Yeah, alright!! UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is going on? Uncle Russell pokes Norman with his cane. NORMAN Ow. DEREK .barely even looked. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: Norman, now highly irritated, is forced to drive backwards. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are walking to the house as other people arrive. OSCAR It's very green here, isn't it?... Green... Very green... Very... green. Elaine takes Oscar to the side. ELAINE Oscar, are you alright? OSCAR What do you mean? ELAINE All this talking about phantom dogs and things being green... What's going on? OSCAR What are you talking about? I' fine . Never been greener. Oscar wanders off, leaving Elaine with Jeff. JEFF Elaine, what's wrong with Oscar? ELAINE I don't know. Something's not right... ANGLE ON: Oscar as he wanders around the yard. ELAINE (CONT'D) I think it's the Valium. JEFF Valium?! ELAINE I gave him a Valium at your place. I think he's just not used to it. JEFF Oh, right. (CONTINUED) 23. CONTINUED: Jeff's face reveals his realization of what's happened. He walks off, leaving Elaine watching Oscar. EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY Norman's car is almost at the corner still being forced backwards by the flower van. We see that Derek is still lost in his own thoughts. Uncle Russell is poking at Norman with his cane. UNCLE RUSSELL You're going the wrong way! NORMAN Ow! That hurts. DEREK Stop the car, Norman. NORMAN What? DEREK Stop the car. I have to speak with her. I have to speak with Elaine. Norman reluctantly stops the car. Derek gets out. NORMAN What about Uncle Russell? I need help with Uncle Russell! It's too late. Derek is gone. The van in front of Norman honks the horn. UNCLE RUSSELL What's going on here? Where are we?! We're going to be late! Russell hits him on the arm with his cane. NORMAN Ow! Can you please stop doing that?! The van keeps beeping. Norman backs up. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan is standing with Aaron. They greet the mourners. (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: RYAN (TO MOURNER) Nice to see you again. The mourner shakes hands with Ryan then walks away. RYAN (CONT'D) Who are all these people? I don't even recognize half of them. AARON It's your family. You don't recognize them from the last funeral? Ryan looks around the room. RYAN So what side of the family is he on? AARON Who? RYAN The guy in the leather jacket. Ryan looks around the room and sees a FOUR FOOT SIX MAN (FRANK) approaching the coffin. AARON I have no idea. Maybe a friend of Dad's from work or something. Aaron turns to Ryan. AARON (CONT'D) So, you're telling me I'm going to have to pay for the whole funeral? RYAN No I'm telling you you'll have the money in a few months when I get my advance. AARON I'm not a God damn credit agency! REVEREND DAVIS, a very calm, serene woman, suddenly appears. REVEREND DAVIS Aaron, how are you? (CONTINUED) 25. CONTINUED: (2) AARON Yes, um... We're just waiting for everyone to arrive, then we can get going. I know you're in a hurry. REVEREND DAVIS Yes, I have two more funerals and a Christening. I don't know what it is about the Spring, but they're either coming in or going out. She laughs, but Aaron and Ryan just look at her. Reverend Davis stands there waiting to be introduced to Ryan. AARON Have you met my brother, Ryan? REVEREND DAVIS Ah, the writer, of course. I must admit I squeezed this job in because I wanted to meet you. I'm reading "Mama's Secret" right now. Don't tell anybody, I'm not supposed to be reading that kind of stuff. RYAN I'm sure the Lord will forgive you. Aaron is irritated. REVEREND DAVIS (TO AARON) You must be very proud of your big brother. He really made something of his life. (TO RYAN) I can't wait to hear your eulogy. AARON No, no, I'm doing the eulogy. REVEREND DAVIS Oh. I thought... RYAN Aaron is the oldest. The reverend tries her best not to look disappointed. REVEREND DAVIS Great... Well, I'll just make sure have everything I need. (CONTINUED) 26. CONTINUED: (3) She looks at the coffin and then at the Bible in her hands. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) We've got a body and a Bible. Well, I'm all set. She walks off. AARON Look, I think you should do the eulogy. Everyone's expecting you to do it. RYAN No, they're not. You're the oldest. You should do it. AARON Look most of the people are here for Dad, but let's not kid ourselves. A lot of them are here to hear your eulogy. RYAN So imagine how surprised they'll be when they hear yours. Ryan walks away. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Cynthia is helping prepare the food to go.out. Michelle is in the background at the sink. DUNCAN, Cynthia's brother, a middle aged doctor, approaches. DUNCAN How's my little sister? CYNTHIA I'm trying to hold it together, Duncan. He was a really good husband. My friends always told me about the crap their husbands put them through. I never had to deal with any of that. Remember when Uncle Matt got that nanny pregnant? DUNCAN That was horrible. (CONTINUED) 27 CONTINUED: CYNTHIA They don't make 'em like my Edward anymore. A good husband and a great father to two healthy, strong boys. Michelle cringes in the background. MICHELLE (TO CYNTHIA) I'll make you a cup of coffee, Cynthia. CYNTHIA Coffee can do many things Michelle, but it can't bring back the dead. Beat. MICHELLE Tea? INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Aaron finds a quiet place in the hallway and pulls out his notes. AARON (READS) "My father was an exceptional man... My father was an exceptional man... My father was an exceptional man..." Michelle approaches him. MICHELLE Honey, we still need to finish that thing. Remember today is the last day. AARON Can we talk about this when there's a little less death in the air? MICHELLE No. No we can't. AARON Honey, I'm just not in the mood... MICHELLE I don't have any panties on. (CONTINUED) 28. CONTINUED: AARON What? You don't have any panties on? It's my father's funeral. MICHELLE I'm just trying to help you out. I'll put them back on before the service starts. Now come on. They turn. Aaron looks around the corner into the living room and sees the four foot six man standing by a table. Aaron stops Michelle. AARON Babe, don't make it obvious, but that guy in the leather jacket standing by the wall. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Michelle catches a glimpse of the guy. AARON (CONT'D) Do you recognize him? MICHELLE Isn't that the guy from the Home Depot? AARON No, I don't think so. Don't look. Don't look. MICHELLE Did he put in the cable? AARON No, no, that's not it. He keeps looking at me. Don't look. Don't look. MICHELLE He's probably just a friend of your father's. I'll meet you in the garage. We have a few minutes before Uncle Russell gets here. Michelle walks off. Aaron peeks around the corner again and makes eye contact with the four foot six inch man, who seems to be staring straight at him. Aaron averts his eyes and heads off. 29. EXT. ROAD - DAY Norman parks the car and gets out. He goes to the trunk and removes the wheelchair. UNCLE RUSSELL What are you doing?! Be careful with that. Uncle Russell bangs his cane on the floor impatiently. UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D) Hurry up, we're late. Norman slams the trunk closed. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron tries to get across the room as Michelle heads into the kitchen. Ryan stops Aaron. AARON Oh, Ryan can you keep an eye out-- RYAN God damn, that Martina has grown up. ANGLE ON: MARTINA, nineteen and attractive. AARON Are you talking about Little Martina? RYAN She was like a teenager when I left, and now she's... you know. She's like damn. Aaron looks distastefully at his brother. AARON Can you keep an eye out for Uncle Russell? RYAN I think I should go see how she's been. AARON Yeah, why don't you do that? See if she wants a juice box. (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: Ryan heads off towards Martina. Aaron continues across the room. FRANK (O.S.) Hi there. Aaron turns and finds himself cornered by Frank. AARON Hello. FRANK I was really sorry to hear about your dad. He talked about you a lot. I saw your wedding pictures. Your wife's dress was very beautiful. Aaron is a little uncomfortable. AARON Uh... thanks. MAN Did he ever mention me?... Frank? Frank steps forward and holds out his hand. Aaron shakes it. AARON Frank?... I don't think so, no... Were you a friend of his? FRANK Something like that, yeah. Michelle sticks her head out of the kitchen. MICHELLE Honey. Can I see you for a moment? AARON Well, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming. Aaron walks away, leaving Frank alone. EXT. STREET - SAME TIME WIDE SHOT: Norman struggles to push Uncle Russell up a hill. (CONTINUED) 31. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Come on, put your back into it. You're supposed to be a young man. Don't you have any strength? INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Aaron has almost made it across the room when he is intercepted by Reverend Davis. REVEREND DAVIS I think we should get started. really have to leave at three. AARON Sure. Can we just wait five minutes for my Uncle Russell? We can't start without him. REVEREND DAVIS .Of course. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Elaine and Jeff are talking to some mourners. ELAINE It's so nice to see you. WOMAN I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle. But he's in a better place now. I hear Ryan is doing the eulogy. Oscar, carrying a leaf, interrupts the conversation. OSCAR Look... Isn't it beautiful? He wanders off again. Elaine doesn't know what the hell is going on. JEFF Elaine, can I speak to you for a minute? ELAINE (to the mourner) I'll see you inside. Jeff takes Elaine's arm with some urgency and moves off to the side. (CONTINUED) 32 CONTINUED: ELAINE (CONT'D) What? What is it?! JEFF I have to tell you something and, I'm warning you in advance, you're not going to like it. Elaine looks at Jeff concerned. INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Aaron is intercepted again by Duncan who is talking to Ryan. DUNCAN Aaron. How are we doing on time? AARON As soon as Uncle Russell gets here we'll be ready to start. DUNCAN So what's this I hear about Ryan not doing the eulogy? RYAN I was just telling him how much I'm looking forward to hearing your eulogy. DUNCAN That's a shame. I mean, I'm sure you'll be good, Aaron. It's just with Ryan being the writer of the family... AARON Yeah. DUNCAN There are people here that don't even know your father. They just came to hear Ryan. AARON Would you excuse me? Aaron walks away. DUNCAN (TO RYAN) So any new books coming out? I just finished "Black Hurt. 33. INT. GARAGE - SAME TIME Aaron closes the door behind him. Michelle is waiting. They start kissing and pulling at each other's clothes. Aaron stops and leans on the door and sighs. MICHELLE Are you alright? AARON Every single person wants Ryan to do the eulogy. He was my father, too. I'm supposed to do the damn eulogy! I'm the oldest. Where was Ryan when I was taking care of Dad? MICHELLE Calm down. Calm down. Forget about everyone. You're going to do the eulogy and it's going to be the best eulogy anyone's every heard. Now could you please do me a favor and get me pregnant? AARON Come on, do I have to do this today? MICHELLE Yes. What do you want? You want me to talk dirty? I'm gonna suck it. I'm gonna to suck it. Before Michelle can continue her PG rated dirty talk, there is a knock on the door. MAN Is there more soda in here? AARON Yes! Come in! Michelle is frustrated. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Elaine is looking at Jeff in absolute shock. ELAINE What do you mean it's not Valium? (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: JEFF I mean what you thought was Valium, wasn't actually Valium. It's a hallucinogenic. Like, acid, mescaline... Special K... Oscar moves in the background behind Elaine and Jeff. Elaine looks at him. He's making strange contorted expressions with his face and pointing at the sky. Other people are starting to notice him and think he's slightly odd. ELAINE This isn't funny, Jeff. JEFF I'm not being funny. Look at him, he's high as a kite! Oscar sticks his head into a huge bush. ELAINE What the hell are you doing leaving that stuff around your house?! JEFF A friend left it. And who the hell just goes into someone's house and takes pills? ELAINE I thought they were Valium! (takes a deep breath) What am I supposed to do? Should I tell him? JEFF No, don't do that. It'll just freak him out... We'll just keep a close eye on him, and make sure he doesn't get out of control... And don't let him spend too long talking to one person... or bush. Oscar wanders into the front door. Elaine quickly follows him. Jeff reluctantly follows Elaine. Derek arrives in time to see this and follows as well. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Oscar wanders in, followed by Elaine and Jeff. Duncan sees them enter and approaches them. (CONTINUED) 35. CONTINUED: ELAINE Hi, Dad. How are you? She gives him a kiss. DUNCAN Not bad considering we're at a funeral. Jeff steps forward. JEFF Hi, Dad. He shakes his hand. DUNCAN How's Pepperdine treating you? Is Professor Clarke still giving you a hard time? JEFF No, no. It's all worked out. Don't worry. DUNCAN I'm not worried about you. Duncan looks pointedly at Elaine, irritating her. Duncan looks at Oscar who is in the background. DUNCAN (CONT'D) So I see you brought your friend. ELAINE He's my boyfriend. And you know his name. Derek approaches. DEREK Doctor, how nice to see you again. DUNCAN Derek. How are you doing at the hospital? DEREK Great. Great. We should have lunch soon. I'd love to hear what you think about the new pediatric wing at Cedar's. (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: (2) DUNCAN Definitely. Maybe Elaine would like to join us for lunch? They both look expectantly at Elaine who looks away disgusted. Cynthia comes up to them and kisses Elaine and Jeff hello. Oscar stares at her. CYNTHIA Elaine... Jeff... good to see you. ELAINE I'm so sorry, Auntie. We're going to miss Uncle Edward so much. JEFF Yeah. He was a great guy. CYNTHIA Thank you. ELAINE Oscar, this is my Aunt-- Oscar grabs Cynthia in a tight hug. OSCAR I'm so sorry about... the death... He sings "Amazing Grace" softly as Duncan, Derek, Jeff and Elaine look on. OSCAR (CONT'D) Amazing Grace / How sweet the sound / That saved a wretch like me... Cynthia untangles herself from Oscar. She heads back outside. Duncan gives Elaine a look, then heads off after Cynthia. JEFF What are you going to do? ELAINE I don't know. I can't leave. Aunt Cynthia would never speak to me again. Jeff notices that Oscar has left. He rushes outside. Elaine follows. Derek follows suit. 37. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY We see Oscar emerging from the front doorway followed by Jeff. Then comes Elaine. Jeff approaches Oscar and stands with him as Elaine watches from the doorway. Derek walks up. DEREK You look nice, Elaine. ELAINE I'm dressed for a funeral. DEREK Yeah, but you make death look sexy. She looks at him. DEREK (CONT'D) So, I heard about the engagement. ELAINE Hey, hey. I don't really have time to deal with whatever happened between you and me. But I have not told my dad yet, so I would appreciate it if you would keep your mouth shut. DEREK Sure. Anything for you. Derek looks over and notices Oscar looking bewildered. DEREK (CONT'D) So that's him? That's the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with? Elaine looks over at the drugged up Oscar. Oscar leans over like he's on a nod. Jeff leans down with him, watching. Right before Oscar falls over, he comes up really fast.- Then he starts walking. ELAINE Yep, that's him. Oscar who has been walking in circles with a look of awe on his face, changes direction and flies by Elaine and Derek back into the house with Jeff in tow. (CONTINUED) 38. CONTINUED: DEREK Elaine., I- Elaine follows the guys, leaving Derek behind. INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Aaron is straightening his tie and practicing his eulogy. AARON My father was an exceptional man... My father was-- Frank again approaches Aaron. FRANK Actually, there's something I'd like to talk to you about... when you have a minute. Aaron hears Uncle Russell in the background. AARON Yeah, that's great. Do you mind if we do it later though? My uncle just got here. FRANK Sure. Aaron heads off. EXT. FRONT PORCH OF HOUSE - SAME TIME Norman pushes Russell up the stairs close to where Derek is standing. He looks like he's about to collapse from exhaustion. Norman lets go of the wheelchair and catches his breath. Derek grabs the chair blocking Norman from view just as Aaron arrives. AARON Thank you, Derek, you're a life saver. Hope it wasn't too much trouble. DEREK No problem at all. Aaron wheels Uncle Russell inside. AARON How are you doing, Uncle Russell? (CONTINUED) 39. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Terrible. Derek follows, leaving Norman standing there out of breath. NORMAN Can I get a little help? INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron enters and nods to Reverend Davis, who stands at the front. REVEREND.DAVIS Ladies and gentlemen, could you all kindly take your seats? We're about to begin the service. Ryan helps Martina to her seat. Jeff keeps an eye on Oscar. Elaine grabs Oscar and drags him to a seat. Aaron wheels Uncle Russell to his place. UNCLE RUSSELL Move! Move! He pokes people with his cane. Aaron then takes his seat with Michelle. Oscar is not looking so good. Ryan finally ends the conversation with Martina and heads to his seat. Reverend Davis is about to start, but waits as Norman, sweating, pushes through the crowd to his seat. The reverend waits for the disturbance to end, so Norman attracts the attention of everyone. Norman takes his seat next to Derek. Derek leans away. DEREK (SNIFFS ) You stink. REVEREND DAVIS Family and friends, we're gathered here today to mourn the passing of Edward Barnes. NORMAN Yeah, well, you left me to push Uncle Russell up that damn hill all by myself. Then took all the credit. (CONTINUED) 40 CONTINUED: Elaine, turns around. ELAINE Norman, shut up. Elaine turns back around. Norman is irritated by this. REVEREND DAVIS I'd like to start with a favorite passage of Edwards from First Samuel chapter 18, verses 1-4 in the King James Bible. (READING) "And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day, and would let him go no more home to his father's house..." While the reverend is talking, Norman pokes Elaine on the shoulder and leans forward. NORMAN (WHISPERS) Hey, Elaine, I know you don't think I'm part of the family-- ELAINE 'Cause you're not. NORMAN (WHISPERS) .but when you dissed me back there, I had Uncle Russell in the car. Aaron, disturbed by Norman's whispering, looks over. NORMAN (CONT'D) (WHISPERS) You stole my parking space, and I had to push him half a mile up a hill. We almost missed the service! Aaronlooks over again. ELAINE (WHISPERS) Look, Norman, if you poke me one more time, I'm going to kick your ass. (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: (2) AARON (WHISPERS LOUDLY) What the hell is going on?! NORMAN (WHISPERS) She stole my parking space! AARON (whispers to Norman) Stole your parking space?!. My father's dead! Act right. Reverend Davis looks at them then continues her speech. REVEREND DAVIS ."Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul..." As she speaks, Norman looks at his wrist, worried. The woman sitting next to him smacks his wrist down. ANGLE ON: Elaine looks at Jeff who watches Oscar. Oscar is fidgeting and looking worried. ANGLE ON: Aaron and Michelle. Aaron looks worried. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) ."And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword and to his bow, and to his girdle." ANGLE ON: Oscar is laughing. Elaine tries to control him. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) And now we'll have a few words from Edward's son, Aaron. Ryan's older brother. ANGLE ON: Aaron as he gathers himself. Michelle gives Aaron a supportive squeeze of the arm. Aaron looks over and sees Frank staring at him. ANGLE ON: Uncle Russell. UNCLE RUSSELL Why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? This is bullshit. (CONTINUED) 42. CONTINUED: (3) Aaron arrives at the front and looks out across the expectant crowd. He's extremely nervous. AARON Good afternoon, everyone. (his voice cracks) Thank you for coming... I never realized Dad was so popular. It looks like he's got more friends now that he's dead. Blank faces stare back at Aaron. Cynthia looks pained. Everyone is silent except for Oscar who laughs loudly. Elaine silences him with a look. Aaron composes himself and pulls his notes out. AARON (CONT'D) My father was an exceptional man... He was born in 1938. He grew up in Alabama on a farm. He loved to take long walks in the woods with his close friend, Bobby. He told me how they spent their summer days riding their bikes through the fields and swimming in the lake. As Aaron speaks, Reverend Davis looks concerned because the eulogy is so bad. She looks to Ryan who looks like "what can I do?" Jeff looks more concerned with Oscar, whose face is contorted with pain. He looks like he's going to burst. ANGLE ON: Aaron. AARON (CONT'D) Dad's first job was working after school as an assistant to an electrician named Mr. Thompson. Back then, Blacks weren't allowed to wear rubber gloves. So my father got shocked a lot. Because of that, he had no feeling in his fingertips. I asked my Dad what his first boss was like... The drugs have gotten the best of Oscar. He suddenly grabs Elaine's arm. Aaron keeps talking. OSCAR Did you just see that? (CONTINUED) 43. CONTINUED: (4) ELAINE See what? OSCAR The coffin just moved. ELAINE What? OSCAR I'm telling you I saw it move. Aaron becomes vaguely aware of the disturbance, but battles on with his eulogy. AARON .He said he was a nice man, and surprisingly well dressed. When Dad was eighteen, he left home after an argument with his father. He never told me what that argument was about, but I do know that after leaving South Carolina, sadly he and Bob lost touch and never saw each other again. Dad went to college where he studied accounting, a decision which lead to a career in corporate finance... But his real passion was for the arts, with a particular fondness for theatre, dance and musicals. He was a charter member of the Negro Ensemble Company and contributed regularly to the Alvin Ailey School of Dance. Oscar's protests are getting louder. Duncan looks back at the disruption with a disapproving glare. Elaine looks at Jeff who watches, concerned. OSCAR There, look. It happened again. ELAINE Oscar, please- People start looking at Oscar, who's becoming increasingly vocal, and looking increasingly like someone on acid. OSCAR That coffin's moving! (CONTINUED) 44. CONTINUED: (5) ELAINE (WHISPERS) Oscar. Just calm down. Aaron looks over to Oscar. OSCAR (SHOUTS) The coffin's moving! Michelle looks worried. Cynthia watches silently. Oscar jumps up. Aaron stops the eulogy. Elaine is about to die from embarrassment. OSCAR (CONT'D) There's someone alive in there! ELAINE Oscar, please sit down. Oscar ignores her and walks purposefully towards the coffin. People watch him in astonishment, including Jeff. OSCAR What the hell is wrong with you people?! Oscar approaches the coffin as Aaron steps off the dais. Elaine tries to hold Oscar back, but she can't. ELAINE (PANICKED) Oscar, where are you going? AARON What are you doing? OSCAR There's someone moving in there. Can't you see? Oscar tries to open the coffin. Aaron and Elaine try to restrain him, but can't. A tussle begins. Ryan jumps in to help. RYAN What the hell is wrong with you?! ELAINE Ryan, no! (CONTINUED) 45. CONTINUED: (6) Elaine attempts to grab Ryan. Duncan stands up and tries to help. DUNCAN Get away from there! OSCAR No, I have to show you! He's alive! He's alive! The scene descends into absolute chaos with people pushing and struggling. Finally, the coffin falls off the platform and tips over. The dead body of Edward rolls out onto the floor at the feet of Cynthia. Cynthia screams. Aaron freezes in shock. Michelle takes Cynthia through the kitchen. The living room is left in chaos. EXT. BACK GARDEN - MOMENTS LATER Elaine drags Oscar out the back. Jeff follows. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Cynthia, in tears, enters accompanied by Aaron, Michelle and Reverend Davis. MICHELLE It's alright, Cynthia. It's alright. She sits in a chair crying uncontrollably. Aaron is so angry, he just marches out. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Some MEN grab the body and put it back in the coffin. Aaron comes out of the kitchen and heads to the back yard. As they put the coffin back on the stand, Ryan addresses the crowd. RYAN Please let me extend my apologies to you all. I understand the incident you just witnessed was quite shocking, but everything will be... returned... to it's proper place. Please enjoy the refreshments, and we'll call you when we're ready to continue. (CONTINUED) 46. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL It wouldn't have happened if Ryan had done the eulogy. Aaron exits through the garden door. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY Aaron storms out to Elaine who is trying to comfort Oscar. He's looking very disturbed. Jeff is also there, looking guilty. AARON Elaine, what the hell was that?! ELAINE I'm so sorry, Aaron. AARON Oh, okay. My dead father's sprawled out on the living room floor, but it's okay, you're sorry. OSCAR But the coffin was moving. ELAINE Please, Aaron. Go back inside. I'll explain later. An annoyed and confused Aaron turns and walks back to the house. He's almost to the door when Michelle arrives. MICHELLE AARON-- AARON No, I haven't made the call about the down payment yet. MICHELLE I wasn't going to say that. AARON No I'm not going to have sex with you. MICHELLE I wasn't going to say that. AARON What were you going to say? (CONTINUED) 47. CONTINUED: MICHELLE (WEAKLY) Hi. He goes inside leaving Michelle standing there. Duncan comes out and heads for Oscar. DUNCAN I'll kill him! Elaine tries to keep Duncan away from Oscar, who is stressed enough and looks terrified. ELAINE Dad, leave it alone! DUNCAN Leave it alone?! He just knocked my brother-in-law out of his coffin. ELAINE It wasn't his fault. DUNCAN Yes it was. My sister is in tears. I can't believe you brought this idiot! I don't ever want to see him again, do you understand me? ELAINE I can't do that. DUNCAN Why not? ELAINE Because we're... moving in together. Duncan looks over at Oscar, who looks like he's just seen a ghost. He's struggling to stand up straight, with Jeff who's doing his best to look after him. DUNCAN Are you crazy? ELAINE Dad, this isn't actually what he's like. He took some drugs and-- DUNCAN Drugs?! Is he on the pipe? (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: (2) Jeff looks over, his eyes pleading with Elaine not to tell on him. ELAINE No he's not on the pipe. He took some Valium and had a.bad reaction. Jeff looks grateful. DUNCAN Valium?! That's not a Valium high. Your mother was on Valium for forty years. She never knocked over a coffin. ELAINE Dad, please. DUNCAN I just want to point out that you won't see Derek knocking over a coffin. ELAINE Not right now, Dad. DUNCAN Fine. I've got to check on Cynthia, but this isn't over. Duncan walks back to the house. Elaine walks over to Oscar who is hugging a tree. ELAINE Oscar. OSCAR Elaine. ELAINE Come and sit down. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron talks to a mourner. Norman comes up and hugs him. NORMAN Are you alright?... That was insane. He just fell out the coffin like a dead fish. I guess its not much of a metaphor when you're talking about a dead human, but-- (CONTINUED) Death at a Funeral 02/6/0.9 49. CONTINUED: Aaron looks at Norman. AARON Norman, please. NORMAN Oh yeah... Sorry. It's just that you never know when it's your time. Like, I have this weird thing on my wrist. I've had it for a few weeks now. I don't know what it is-- AARON Why don't you show it to my Uncle Duncan? He's a doctor. NORMAN He is? Great. Thanks. Norman walks off toward the kitchen. He passes Uncle Russell and Ryan talking to Martina. UNCLE RUSSELL I read your last book, "Black Hurt." RYAN Good, good. Thanks a lot. UNCLE RUSSELL I'm not giving you a compliment you arrogant bastard. What a load of bullshit. I wouldn't wipe my ass with it. Ryan leads Martina away from Uncle Russell. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are standing together. OSCAR I swear it was moving. I must be losing my mind... (looks at his hands) Why are my hands so big?! ELAINE Oscar, listen to me. I need to tell you something... Elaine sits him down on the bench. (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: OSCAR What is it? ELAINE Now... You remember I gave you some Valium earlier? OSCAR Yes. ELAINE Well it turns out that it wasn't actually Valium. Oscar just looks at Elaine. Jeff slinks off into the background. ELAINE (CONT'D) Can you hear me? OSCAR (YELLS) Hello? INT. KITCHEN - DAY Cynthia is being comforted by her friends and Duncan. Norman enters and beckons Duncan over to the side. NORMAN Hello, Doctor, I know this is a bad time, but I've got this thing on my hand. I've had it for weeks now... Duncan is looking at Norman incredulously. NORMAN (CONT'D) What do you think it is? Cynthia stands up. CYNTHIA Duncan, I'm going back now. She exits. Reluctantly, Duncan answers Norman. DUNCAN You should probably go see a dermatologist. He turns to follow his sister out, but Norman pulls him back. (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: NORMAN Really? Why? What do you think it is? DUNCAN I don't know. It looks like some kind of pigment mutation. Duncan walks further out of the room. NORMAN Pigment mutation?! Duncan turns again. DUNCAN You're probably just allergic to something. Maybe from shellfish, nuts... Duncan heads further out of the room, but Norman won't give up. NORMAN Nuts? What kind of nuts? Duncan turns around again. DUNCAN I don't know. Pecans? Peanuts?... Excuse me. Duncan finally exits, leaving Norman looking shocked and terrified. NORMAN (TO HIMSELF) A pigment mutation? EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Elaine is trying to explain to Oscar. ELAINE Do you understand? Hallucinogenic. Oscar recoils. He turns to Jeff. JEFF Yeah, now, the best thing to do is relax and just go with the flow. Try and enjoy it. (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: Oscar stands up, panicked and grabs Jeff by the lapels. We see the bottle of "Valium" falls out of his pocket. OSCAR You! ELAINE Oscar! She tries to pull him off Jeff. OSCAR How long does it last? JEFF I don't know... eight hours? OSCAR Eight hours?! Of this?!! ELAINE Oscar let go. She pulls him off Jeff. ANGLE ON: Derek watching from the window. OSCAR I'm going to be sick. ANGLE ON: Derek smoothing his hair seeing his opportunity. ANGLE ON: Oscar runs inside. Elaine follows with Jeff in tow. ELAINE Oscar! Come back. They head into the house. INT. BACK DOOR - DAY Derek has been looking at Elaine outside and waiting for his moment. Elaine comes rushing in following Oscar. DEREK Oh, hi, Elaine. You following me? She just runs right past, then Jeff rushes past following Elaine. Oscar pushes through people. ELAINE Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: Elaine grabs Oscar and leads him to the stairs. ELAINE (CONT'D) Excuse me. He's going to be sick. They head up the stairs with Jeff following. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine rounds the corner and leads Oscar to the bathroom. goes in and shuts the door behind him. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Oscar is building up quite a sweat and mumbling to himself. He catches his reflection in the mirror and SCREAMS! Elaine opens the door. ELAINE Oscar. Oscar grabs the hair-dryer and wields it like a gun. OSCAR Stand back! ELAINE Oscar, put down the dryer. OSCAR Get back or I'll blow your head off. Oscar backs Elaine out of the bathroom. ELAINE Oscar, please-- Oscar shuts the door and locks it. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine is pressed against the door. ELAINE Oscar, are you okay? She tries to open the door, but it's locked. Jeff walks up checking his pockets. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar, let me in. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: Jeff realizes he lost the pill bottle. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar. Oscar? JEFF Uh... Elaine... I can't find the pill bottle? But Elaine is too busy to hear. ELAINE Oscar! Open the door. Jeff looks at the floor as he leaves. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is talking to himself in the mirror. OSCAR Okay. Breathe. (HE DOES) It's going to be okay. Breathe. You're and investment banker. You've handled mergers for billion dollar companies. You can do this. Dead bodies don't move. They don't move. But that body was moving. It was moving. Then he slaps himself. OSCAR (CONT'D) Snap out of it! You can handle this. You can do this. He runs the tap and splashes some water on his face. OSCAR (CONT'D) Alright. You're okay. Stay calm... Stay calm... Oscar is still staring at himself in the mirror. OSCAR (CONT'D) That's it, Oscar, keep it together. K.I.T. Keep it together. K.I.T. Keep it together. Everything's going to be fine. Nothing moved. Dead people don't move. They're stiff. They don't move, do they? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 55 CONTINUED: OSCAR (CONT'D) (he screams at himself in the MIRROR) DO THEY!!!! INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR Elaine has her ear pressed against the door. She hears the scream. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME OSCAR Easy now. Easy now. We can do this. A few hours. That's nothing. No sweat. I mean you've already been in here for... He looks at his watch. OSCAR (CONT'D) Where's my watch?! He sees it's on the other wrist. OSCAR (CONT'D) Oh! He checks the time. OSCAR (CONT'D) It's already been... INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine continues to knock on the door. ELAINE Open the door. Oscar. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar finally gets a read on his watch. OSCAR Five minutes. Suddenly the pressure of. the situation overtakes him. OSCAR (CONT'D) God damn! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 56. INT. DOWNSTAIRS'- SAME TIME As the screaming and cursing goes on upstairs, Aaron approaches a mourner who looks concerned. OSCAR (O.S.) Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! AARON It's alright. Aaron turns around not knowing what to do. FRANK (O.S.) Grief does strange things to people. Aaron looks at him a little freaked out by his sudden appearance. AARON I guess so. FRANK If you remember, I have something to talk to you about. AARON Oh yeah. FRANK Is there somewhere private we could go? AARON Sure. They walk away. The screaming continues as Jeff, frantically, but slowly comes down the stairs re-tracing his steps and searching around for his lost bottle of pills. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank and Aaron enter. Frank looks around the room a little grief stricken himself. Aaron walks to the desk as Frank touches some mementoes he clearly remembers. Frank takes out his glasses and notices a manuscript on the desk with Aaron's name. FRANK Are you writing a novel? (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: AARON Uh... yeah. Aaron takes the manuscript and moves it away. FRANK Like your big brother. AARON Actually I'm the oldest. I was writing before.he was. I've had a few pieces published in the New Yorker. But now I'm mainly teaching. FRANK Oh. Well, you must be very proud of your brother then. Getting all his novels published. Aaron decides to move the conversation on. AARON So anyway. What did you want to talk about? He motions for Frank to take a seat and sits across from him. FRANK Your father and I were very... close. AARON Yeah. Okay. That's good. FRANK And we spent a lot of time together. AARON Yeah, well Dad was a fun guy. Frank takes an envelope out of his inside jacket pocket and takes some photos from the envelope. FRANK Um... I've got some photos I want to show you. AARON Sure. Frank passes the first photo. (CONTINUED) 58. CONTINUED: (2) FRANK That's me and your Dad in Central Park in New York. Aaron looks at the photo curiously. FRANK (CONT'D) That's us on Santa Monica Boulevard on Halloween... Aaron takes the next one, becoming more suspicious. AARON So, where did you and my dad meet? FRANK Just around. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine is outside the bathroom banging on the door. We can still hear Oscar moaning inside. ELAINE Oscar. Are you alright? INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is laying in the bathtub. He has his head under the faucet with his mouth open. A drip falls into his mouth. OSCAR Ahhh. He smacks his lips together and then opens his mouth and waits for the next drop. INT. STUDY - DAY Aaron is sitting with Frank. Frank passes him another photo. FRANK That's one of me and your father going to the premiere of "Dreamgirls". I was dressed as Deena and your father had to be Effie. Aaron looks at the photo of them dressed in drag. (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: AARON So... I mean you have all these pictures, but he never said anything about you. This is the first I'm SEEING OF-- Frank gives Aaron a knowing look. AARON (CONT'D) How did you know my father? Aaron looks around the room. There is a copy of "People Magazine" sexiest men issue on the table. He sees figurines of male ballet dancers. It's getting clearer. He sees three Robert Mapplethorpe photos on the wall. There's a signed Kathy Griffin 8x10. Frank looks around waiting for him to get it. Aaron looks at a framed movie poster for Australia with Hugh Jackman. Aaron looks back at the picture. He gets it. AARON (CONT'D) Oh God... Aaron jumps up and closes the study door. FRANK Are you really that shocked? Frank gestures around the room. AARON I had no idea. FRANK I'm sorry. I'm sure he would have eventually told you, but I guess he wasn't sure how you'd react. Aaron shakes in disgust. AARON Uugg. Like this. Aaron gathers his senses. He has a thought and turns to Frank. AARON (CONT'D) Does my mother know? FRANK No. And there's no reason why she should... Just as long as I get what's owed to me. (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: (2) A long pause. Aaron looks over at Frank. AARON "What's owed to you"? FRANK . Well, obviously I should get something... I mean, your dad and I were lovers, and he left me absolutely nothing in his will. How do you think that makes me feel? Aaron fails to respond, because he's in too much shock. FRANK (CONT'D) I'll tell you how it makes me feel cheap. Like some cheap piece of ass... I mean, I'm entitled to something. AARON What do you want? FRANK What I want is a lot, but I'm not asking you for what I want. I deserve thirty thousand dollars. AARON Thirty thousand dollars?! I can't just give you thirty thousand dollars. My wife and I are trying to have kids-- FRANK Your father told me you were having trouble... (BEAT) Look, your father promised to take care of me, and I made sacrifices to keep him happy. Aaron gets angry. AARON You think you can come in here, slander my father's name and show me a few photos of you and my dad dressed up going to see "Dreamgirls"? I saw "Dreamgirls" twice. I'm not gay. That's not proof of anything... "Steppin' to the bad side / Gonna take a mean ride." (CONTINUED) 61. CONTINUED: (3) Aaron grabs Frank and pushes him against the wall. AARON (CONT'D) I'm not giving you anything but a-- Frank pulls out another photo and holds it up to Aaron's face. Aaron,releases Frank and snatches the picture. FRANK Now I don't want to, but I will show these photos to your mother... Do you really want me to do that today? AARON Wait here. He exits the study. INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron closes the study door behind him and almost bumps into two male mourners. MIDDLE AGED MAN Aaron, I was just telling George here how when we were boys together your dad used to love to make us all go skinny dipping. Aaron just stares at them. Then he moves toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM - BUFFET - DAY Aaron crosses the living room which is full of people mingling around. He's gone pale. AARON (TO HIMSELF) Oh God, oh God, oh God... He's looking around for Ryan, but there's no sign-. -Michelle watches Aaron walk around the room. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR SAME TIME Elaine is banging on the bathroom door. ELAINE Oscar. Open the door. Derek arrives behind her and leans in close. (CONTINUED) 62. CONTINUED: DEREK Anything I can do to help? ELAINE Not really, thanks. Derek moves over to face her and leans his arm on the door very coolly. DEREK I guess you've got it under control. Elaine ignores him and continues banging on the door. ELAINE Oscar? Anguished noises emanate from the bathroom. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar! Open the door. DEREK So what are you doing after the funeral? I've got Maxwell tickets. ELAINE Look... I'm busy. I don't have time for your shit. Now get the hell away from me! Derek looks hurt and storms off. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar! INT. BACK OF KITCHEN - DAY Ryan is talking to Martina. RYAN .so you've never been to New York? MARTINA I've been with my parents once. RYAN Oh, that's not really seeing New York. You have to come visit me. When's your birthday? (CONTINUED) 63. CONTINUED: MARTINA I turn eighteen next month. RYAN Great. All star weekend is in New York this year. MARTINA I know. I know. Aaron approaches. AARON Ryan, I need to talk to you. RYAN Not now, Aaron. AARON It's important. RYAN Give me five minutes. Aaron pulls him away. INT. GARAGE - DAY Aaron pulls Ryan into the garage and closes the door. RYAN What are you doing? What is it? Aaron lowers his voice. AARON That guy that was here before, that we didn't recognize... RYAN The guy in the leather jacket? AARON Yeah. RYAN What about him? Aaron lowers his voice further. (CONTINUED) 64 CONTINUED: AARON Well, I was just with him in the study, and... and he showed me some pictures... RYAN So? He showed you some picture? What's wrong with that? I'm busy... AARON Pictures of him and Dad together at the premiere of "Dreamgirls". Ryan's face is blank. It's not registering. RYAN Look, is this going anywhere, Aaron? AARON Ryan, he was Dad's lover! RYAN What? No, no, no. AARON The guy in the leather jacket just showed me pictures of him and Dad together. RYAN No, no, no. I don't believe that. My father is not gay. I've known him my whole life. And he's the most non-gay man I've ever met. Matter fact, he's so straight he makes me seem gay. And I know I'm not gay-- Aaron pulls out the picture. RYAN (CONT'D) Uugg. AARON Uugg. I know. RYAN/AARON Uugg/Uugg. Aaron nods. 65. INT. DINING AREA - SAME TIME Norman and Derek are sitting at the table. Norman is looking at his wrist. DEREK How can she be more interested in that idiot than me? Women. They don't know what they want! Norman's still examining his arm. NORMAN It sounds serious, doesn't it? DEREK What? NORMAN A pigment mutation. Derek gives Norman a disparaging look. Norman picks up some cake and takes a bite. NORMAN (CONT'D) Ooh, will you try this cake? I think it might have nuts in it. DEREK So? NORMAN (shows his wrist) So?... Aaron's uncle says I might be allergic to nuts... DEREK Then don't eat nuts. Put the cake down. NORMAN I can't not eat the cake. That's what I do when I'm stressed. I eat cake. DEREK I bet you won't eat it when your arm falls off. Norman sniffs the cake. (CONTINUED) 66. CONTINUED: NORMAN Will you just try it and tell me if there's nuts in it? DEREK No. NORMAN Come on. DEREK I don't want to. NORMAN Just do me a favor-- Norman is pushing the cake towards Derek's mouth. DEREK Get away from me. Derek gets up and walks off, leaving Norman spitting out the cake. From under the table, Jeff pops up. JEFF You haven't seen a pill bottle around, have you? A Valium pill bottle? NORMAN No. But can you try this-- Jeff smiles nervously and goes back to his search on the floor. Jeff slides across the floor past Uncle Russell sitting at the other end of the table. An OLDER LADY turns to Russell. OLDER LADY Edward and I watched the Tony Awards every year. We would get all dressed up and sip cocktails. I'm going to miss him so much. UNCLE RUSSELL Don't worry. The way you look, you won't be far behind. The mourner looks shocked. Jeff continues his search along the floor. 67. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Cynthia is sitting quietly with Duncan. DUNCAN I'm sure we'll start soon. He looks toward the house and sees Norman exit. Duncan wants to avoid him. DUNCAN (CONT'D) (TO CYNTHIA) Let's go inside. CYNTHIA In a moment. Duncan gets up and heads toward the house. He passes Norman. NORMAN Doctor, I just have a-- Duncan doesn't stop, leaving Norman holding his wrist. Norman looks over and sees Cynthia. He sits next to her. NORMAN (CONT'D) I'm sorry... you know... about... you know... CYNTHIA Thank you. I'll be alright. I know he's watching over me. NORMAN You think so?' I mean, there are a lot of fine ones up in heaven. Anna Nicole Smith's dead too, you know. might be watching over her. Norman sits next to Cynthia. NORMAN (CONT'D) Death is a terrible thing... Did you check to make sure he.was wearing shoes? I hear they steal the shoes. And I hope you took off his ring, 'cause if it's worth anything, someone is going to take that, too. Cynthia stares at Norman. (CONTINUED) 68. CONTINUED: NORMAN (CONT'D) Before he died, did he have a rash? She gets up and exits. Norman notices Jeff's pill bottle on the ground. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket. INT. KITCHEN - LATER The camera closes in on the closed garage door. We hear hushed voices. INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS AARON You don't understand. If we don't give him the money, he's going to show Mom the picture. RYAN Okay. Let me think, let me think. Ryan is trying to come up with a solution. RYAN (CONT'D) I think you should pay him the money. AARON What do you mean, you think I should pay him the money? Where the hell is all your money? RYAN I'm in debt up to my ass. I'm broke, man! AARON So after paying for the funeral, the clothes, the catering... Now I'm supposed to shell out thirty thousand dollars? He's your father, too. RYAN You're the oldest. Besides, you've been living off Mom and Dad long enough. You must have some money saved. You haven't paid rent in two years. AARON I have not been living off of them... I've been living with them. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 69. CONTINUED: AARON (CONT'D) No I haven't paid rent, but Dad hasn't worked in five years. Who do you think has been paying all the bills? RYAN Well if you've got money problems and I've got money problems, what can we do? Fuck him! Aaron shows Ryan the photo again. RYAN (CONT'D) You've got to pay him. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is sitting on the toilet unrolling the toilet paper. OSCAR Yes, yes. Keep coming. Join the others. Join the others. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine leans against the door. ELAINE Oscar? OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar? ELAINE Oscar? She tries the door. It's still locked. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar? OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar? ELAINE Oscar. OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar. ELAINE Os... (CONTINUED) 70. CONTINUED: OSCAR (O.S.) .car. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - SAME TIME Jeff frantically searches the bushes where Oscar pushed him, looking for the pill bottle. He finds nothing. INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Uncle Russell is creating havoc at the buffet table. He's pushing people aside and poking them with his cane. REVEREND DAVIS Are you alright? UNCLE RUSSELL No, my nephew is dead and these bastards ate all the potato salad. Nearby mourners look appalled. The reverend looks over and sees Aaron and Ryan coming down the kitchen corridor. She approaches them. INT. KITCHEN CORRIDOR - DAY Reverend Davis appears in front of Aaron and Ryan. REVEREND DAVIS Ah! I think we're just about ready to start the service, so- AARON Would you mind giving us five minutes? REVEREND DAVIS (NOT HAPPY) Of course. AARON Thanks. Aaron walks off followed by Ryan. He passes Michelle, who's sitting on the couch. She stands up. MICHELLE Is everything okay? AARON No. I'm really sorry, honey, but buying a condo is going to have to be put on hold, just for now. (CONTINUED) 71. CONTINUED: MICHELLE What are you talking about? Why? AARON Babe, you know I wouldn't do this unless I had a good reason. MICHELLE What's the reason? AARON I haven't got time right now, please. I'll explain later. MICHELLE BUT-- Aaron walks off to join Ryan, who's at the door of the study. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank is reading Aaron's manuscript. Ryan and Aaron enter. RYAN (TO FRANK) You? So you and my--. You?! It's you. So when I called my father and he didn't answer, he was with you?! Aaron realizes what Frank is reading. AARON Hey, hey, hey! Aaron rushes over and takes the manuscript away from Frank. AARON (CONT'D) What are you doing with my manuscript?! It's not ready. He puts it in the desk. FRANK Well, you left it on a coffee table. AARON What's that supposed to mean? FRANK Well, when you put things on coffee tables, it's assumed it's for everybody. (CONTINUED) 72. CONTINUED: RYAN It kind of is... AARON Can we get to the point here? FRANK Fine by me. Aaron is now extremely irritated. He exchanges a look with Ryan confirming that there's no other way out. AARON (TO FRANK) If I write this check, then that's it. You give us the photos and stay away from our mother. Deal? FRANK Deal. Aaron sits down at the desk and reluctantly takes out his check book. He starts writing. FRANK (CONT'D) (TO AARON) Is it your first one? Aaron stops writing and looks up at him. AARON What? FRANK The novel... it's a first draft? AARON Yeah. So? FRANK No, nothing. Aaron continues to write the check. FRANK (CONT'D) I tried writing once... Didn't work for me, either. I think it's just a gift. You either have it or you don't... It must be hard for you though, especially since your younger brother is such a great writer. (TO RYAN) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 73 CONTINUED: (2) FRANK (CONT'D) Your father and I read "Black Hurt" together. Truly amazing. We loved it. He was so proud of you. RYAN Thanks... I guess... Aaron rips the check into little pieces. AARON That's it. I can't do it. RYAN Aaron, what are you doing? AARON There's no way in the world I'm giving him my hard earned money. RYAN Don't be stupid. Not today. I'll pay you back as soon as my money comes in. AARON He comes in today! Of all days, he picks the day of my father's funeral! Who the hell is he? RYAN He has the pictures! AARON So what. Who cares what he's got. Let him show the world. Put it on facebook. I don't care. RYAN AARON- AARON Let's just get it over with. There's a long pause as everyone seems to be deciding what to do. Finally, Frank stands up. FRANK Fine. This is on your head. Frank heads towards the door. RYAN What? No, wait. (CONTINUED) 74. CONTINUED: (3) Ryan rushes to stand in front of the door, blocking Frank's EXIT FRANK Get out of my way. RYAN Let's just discuss this a minute. FRANK There's nothing to discuss. Frank grabs the door and tries to open it. FRANK (CONT'D) Get out of my way. He tries to push past, but Ryan covers his mouth, muffling his cries. FRANK (CONT'D) (MUFFLED) Get out of my way. Move! Ryan restrains Frank. INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME A few mourners hear the commotion and the muffled voices. They turn to look. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Ryan grabs Frank and wrestles him to the ground. Aaron watches, absolutely shocked as Ryan and Frank roll around on the floor. Aaron jumps up and stands between them and the door. AARON Ryan, what are you doing? FRANK Get off me! Ryan is trying to muffle Frank's screams. RYAN Aaron, help me! Ryan is holding Frank down and trying to keep him quiet. FRANK Ah!! (CONTINUED) 75. CONTINUED: RYAN Aaron, you got any rope or duct tape? AARON What?! I'm not a serial killer. I don't keep rope and duct tape in my pocket. RYAN Well just grab something! (indicating with his head) There, from the curtains. Aaron grabs the cord that's tied around the curtains. He holds it over the wrestling duo, but Ryan's hands are occupied with Frank. RYAN (CONT'D) Tie his legs. Aaron grabs his legs and in doing so falls on top of Frank as well. As he wraps the curtain cord around Frank's legs... AARON This is a really bad idea. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine leans against the wall listening as Oscar hums in the bathroom. She slides down the wall and sits on the floor. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW - SAME TIME From a rooftop POV we see the window slide open and Oscar, dripping with sweat and not wearing a shirt, lean out. He takes a deep breath of fresh air and listens to the birds. He climbs out the window revealing he's completely naked. He stands on-the roof and lifts his hands to the sky. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Michelle comes up and sits next to Elaine. MICHELLE Men. ELAINE Tell me about it... How's Aaron? (CONTINUED) 76. CONTINUED: MICHELLE How would I know? He's been avoiding me all day. We're trying to get pregnant. But I can't really do that by myself, can I? I feel like I'm making him eat brussel sprouts every time we do it. Elaine looks at her. ELAINE The guy's father just died. Don't you think this is a bad day for sex? MICHELLE Don't you think I know that? ELAINE I'm sorry. At least your husband didn't ruin the funeral. MICHELLE It's a funeral, it's already ruined. When you start off with a dead guest of honor, how much worse can it get? INT. STUDY - DAY Ryan and Aaron struggle with Frank, who's muffled cries are starting to fade. RYAN Get that tie. Aaron grabs the necktie from off the desk. AARON What am I supposed to do with the tie? RYAN Whatever you do with a tie. AARON I don't know what to-- RYAN Just stuff it in his mouth! Damn, I have to do everything? AARON Apparently everything but write a damn check. (CONTINUED) 77. CONTINUED: Suddenly the door opens and Norman enters. NORMAN Aaron, do you know what was in this cake, I- ANGLE ON: Frank who looks at Norman bug eyed hoping he'll help. RYAN Shut the goddamn door! Shocked, Norman does as he's told. It takes Norman a moment to register that Aaron and Ryan are sitting on top of Frank. Frank continues screaming through the cloth. NORMAN What is going on? Who is that guy? Ryan thinks quickly. RYAN He's having a seizure. NORMAN I just found some Valium outside. Would that help? RYAN Yeah. Great. Give him some. Frank shakes his head "no." Norman gets on his knees with the guys and opens the bottle. NORMAN It's okay. This should help. calm you down. Frank tries to protest, but can't. Ryan holds Frank's mouth open as Aaron holds his nose closed. Norman pours a few pills into Frank's mouth, then Ryan holds Frank's mouth shut. Suddenly the door opens again and Jeff walks in. JEFF Have you seen a little brown pill bottle lying around-- They all turn to Jeff. Frank looks at him, hoping this time he'll get saved. (CONTINUED) 78 CONTINUED: (2) RYAN Norman! I told you to lock the damn door. NORMAN You said "shut the damn door." Jeff locks the door and looks shocked. JEFF What's going on? NORMAN He's having a seizure. JEFF Why is he all tied up? No one knows what to say. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Oscar stands on the roof, naked, breathing in the fresh air. INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff, Aaron, Ryan and Norman are all kneeling over Frank. JEFF He's blackmailing you? Over what? AARON If I could tell everybody, it wouldn't be blackmail. RYAN Look, just trust us. He's the bad guy. We'll explain later. NORMAN What are you going to do with him? Everyonerealizes they have no answer to this question. AARON Yeah, Ryan, what are we going to do with him? Ryan doesn't have any answers. RYAN I don't know. (CONTINUED) 79. CONTINUED: AARON You don't know?! Come on, you're the big writer. You're the one who came up with "Black Hurt." Dream up something where we all live happily ever after. We can't keep him tied up forever. How long do you think those Valium are going to last? JEFF Valium? NORMAN Yeah, I found that bottle of Valium. We gave him a few to calm him down. Norman hands him the bottle. JEFF Ah shit! Jeff stands up and heads over to the door. AARON What? FRANK (MUFFLED) What? They all head over to Jeff. Frank looks extremely curious to know what's going on. Everyone talks very quietly so that Frank can't hear. RYAN What is it? JEFF The thing is... those pills aren't really Valium. It's acid and... acid. AARON What?! JEFF Oscar took one by mistake. That's why he's acting crazy. AARON Jeff, what the hell are you doing with this stuff? (CONTINUED) 80. CONTINUED: (2) JEFF A friend left them at my place. AARON What friend, Amy Winehouse? RYAN Wait, you're telling us that Elaine's boyfriend, who knocked over our father's coffin, had just one of these things... AARON (TO NORMAN) And you gave him how many? Norman looks a bit guilty. NORMAN Five. JEFF Five?! (looking at Frank) Poor bastard. NORMAN I thought they were Valium. They all turn and look at Frank who is looking back at them, increasingly concerned by whatever conversation they are having, and the pitying expressions on their faces. AARON Maybe we should call an ambulance. JEFF You can't do that. I'll go to jail. RYAN He's right. If anyone finds out this guy's been force fed acid, we could all be arrested. AARON So what then? What's going to happen? Is he going to die?! JEFF No... I don't think so... I doubt it.. Probably not... (CONTINUED) 81. CONTINUED: (3) The moment is broken by someone trying the door, followed by a knock. CYNTHIA (O.S.) Ryan? EXT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME Cynthia is knocking on the door. CYNTHIA Aaron? INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS They all back away from the door. CYNTHIA (O.S. Are you in there? They look at each other in panic. RYAN Damn. AARON (as normal as possible) Be out in a minute, Mom. Ryan looks at Norman and Jeff. RYAN (to Norman and Jeff) Okay. We have to go out there. You two stay in here and watch him. Ryan closes the curtains. NORMAN Watch him?! What do you mean, "watch him"? RYAN Just make sure he doesn't escape. Lock the door behind us. We'll deal with him after the funeral. Aaron and Ryan open the study door leaving Norman and Jeff to take care of Frank. 82. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron and Ryan come outside trying to look as normal as possible. They see Cynthia standing with the reverend. AARON . How's it going, Mom? CYNTHIA Reverend Davis wants to talk with you. INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS Norman locks the door behind them. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Reverend Davis tries to remain cool, but she's agitated. REVEREND DAVIS Lookie here, brother. I've been patient. We all know it's a virtue, but I'm about done with patience. Now if we don't resume service soon, we're going to need to have a little conversation about my compensation. AARON Sure. So sorry. Um... can you just give us another five minutes? The reverend doesn't look too pleased. REVEREND DAVIS Five minutes. CYNTHIA Is everything okay, boys? Ryan and Aaron kiss their mother and walk off. INT. GARAGE - DAY Aaron and Ryan enter and slam the door. RYAN Why didn't you just pay him the money?! AARON Why did you tie him up?! (CONTINUED) 83. CONTINUED: RYAN Do you want Mom to find out?! AARON What is wrong with you? They start to argue. INT. KITCHEN - DAY We hear their muffled argument through the door. Uncle Russell rolls up to Derek who is sitting at the kitchen table. UNCLE RUSSELL What's your problem?! DEREK Women are my problem. UNCLE RUSSELL No such thing as having a woman without a problem. If they didn't have problems, do you think they'd let us touch 'em? Let me tell you something about women. Smarter than you think they are. But not as smart as they think they are. DEREK She acts like she doesn't care that I exist. I mean how can she not feel what I feel? UNCLE RUSSELL (LAUGHS) Oh she feels it. She's playing hard to get. She wants you to work for it. Look, let me tell something about women. They want a man who can control them. I know they talk all this Oprah, Beyonce "single women" BS, but what they really want is an old school man. DEREK Really? UNCLE RUSSELL Listen here, boy. This is what you do: you walk up to her, slap her-- (CONTINUED) 84. CONTINUED: DEREK Slap her? You want me to hit her? UNCLE RUSSELL Has not hitting her worked? Look, then you grab her and kiss her. The harder the better. DEREK Are you sure, 'cause that-- UNCLE RUSSELL Oh, man, I gotta shit. Where's the can? He rolls away quickly. INT. STUDY - DAY Norman and Jeff are sitting in the study. Frank is on the floor tied up, breathing heavily and making gurgling sounds. JEFF I can't believe you gave him five. Even if they were Valium, that's too many. I wouldn't give a guy five cough drops. Suddenly they hear the doorknob rattle. Norman and Jeff both look terrified. FRANK (MUFFLED) Hello? Jeff covers his mouth. UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) Hello?! Neither Norman nor Jeff want to speak. They argue in gestures. Finally Jeff relents. JEFF Hello? UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) I need the toilet. Jeff and Norman both look panicked. Norman goes to the door. (CONTINUED) 85. CONTINUED: NORMAN Can't you use the one upstairs? UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) I'm in a wheelchair, you idiot! How am I supposed to get up the stairs?! FRANK (MUFFLED) Hello? Norman and Jeff look at each other not knowing what to do. UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) Open the damn door! Uncle Russell starts banging on the door with his cane. NORMAN What are we going to do? They look at Frank who's starting to look high as a kite. JEFF We'll stick him behind the couch. NORMAN (CALLS OUT) Just looking for the key. They pick Frank up and dump him behind the couch. Jeff stays with Frank to keep him quiet as Norman opens the door. Uncle Russell wheels himself inside. UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm about to take a dump in my pants! INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine is still standing outside the bathroom. Derek comes up to talk to her. Elaine's completely drained and stressed. ELAINE What do you want, Derek? DEREK I just want to talk. (CONTINUED) 86. CONTINUED: ELAINE Please don't make me go through this again. DEREK The only reason you don't want to go out with me is because your dad likes me. ELAINE No. The reason I don't want to go out with you is because it was a mistake. I was drunk off my ass. You could have been a donkey. DEREK Thanks. ELAINE That wasn't a compliment. I'm saying I couldn't remember it. DEREK Well I remember every minute of it. ELAINE A minute, huh? That's why I don't remember. DEREK What is it about this guy? What has he got that I haven't got? ELAINE Okay, well for one thing, he's responsible. He's caring. He's considerate. He's thoughtful. He's stable. He's-- EXT. ROOF - DAY Oscar is leaning over the ledge playing with his spit and laughing uncontrollably. INT. GARAGE DAY Aaron and Ryan are still arguing. AARON I'm not the one who tied him up. (CONTINUED) 87. CONTINUED: RYAN Well somebody had to look out for Mom. AARON (INCENSED) I've been looking out for Mom since you got your book deal. RYAN You just can't get over it, can you? You're burning with jealousy because I left and did what you always wanted to do. AARON I couldn't leave because I had responsibilities. RYAN Don't put it off on responsibilities. You spent three years on a novel and you won't even let anyone see it! What are you going to do? Wait until you're dead? You think you're going to be the Tupac of books? AARON At least I'm not some hack writing crap. Mr. "Mama's Secret", Mr. "Black Hurt." RYAN Mr. "Out of Ink", Mr. "Blank Page." At least my crap gets published. Michelle enters. MICHELLE Aaron, what is going on? AARON Michelle, please, not now. MICHELLE Why are you acting like this? Fine. We don't have to have sex today, but the condo? Don't you want to get out of here? AARON MICHELLE-- (CONTINUED) 88. CONTINUED: (2) RYAN Just tell her, Aaron. MICHELLE Tell me what? Aaron closes the garage door. AARON Listen... Do you remember the guy in the leather jacket? MICHELLE Yeah. AARON Well, I don't know how to say this, but... it looks like he and my father were having sex. MICHELLE What? No. Not your father. With him? AARON Yes. MICHELLE No. Your father was the straightest guy I know. RYAN That's what I thought. MICHELLE Are you sure? AARON And now he wants thirty thousand dollars or he's going to show everyone photos of them doing... stuff... MICHELLE Stuff like what? Aaron and Ryan share a look. Aaron shows Michelle the picture. She reacts. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Norman lifts Uncle Russell out of the chair. (CONTINUED) 89. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Hurry up! Norman is struggling to hold Uncle Russell up. UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D) Have you got me? NORMAN Yes, I've got you. UNCLE RUSSELL Come on, quick, quick, quick. NORMAN Alright, I'm trying to see where the toilet is. He maneuvers Uncle Russell to the toilet. UNCLE RUSSELL Pants down. Pants down. NORMAN No you do it. UNCLE RUSSELL How can I do it? I'm handicapped. Norman reluctantly helps Uncle Russell pull his pants down. NORMAN Alright. Alright. UNCLE RUSSELL Drawers. Drawers. Take down my drawers. NORMAN Who calls them "drawers"? Norman pulls them down. NORMAN (CONT'D) It's all down. UNCLE RUSSELL Am I there? Am I there? Norman looks and sees Uncle Russell is right over the toilet. (CONTINUED) 90. CONTINUED: (2) NORMAN Yes, yes. Just sit down. Uncle Russell sits down on the toilet trapping Norman's hand underneath and lets loose. UNCLE RUSSELL Ooh, that's better. Norman pulls his hand out and looks at it in shock. ANGLE ON: Norman's hand has shit on the fingers. He starts freaking out and screaming. INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff hears Norman and jumps up. NORMAN (O.S.) Ahh!!! Jeff goes into the bathroom to see what's going on. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Jeff opens the door and rushes in, but is stopped in his tracks by Norman's shitty hand. NORMAN Ahh!!! JEFF Ugh! Norman, panicking, rushes to the sink, turns on the faucet full blast and sticks his hand under the water. This causes a great splashing. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Frank peeks up from behind the couch. He's clearly high. With his hands still tied, he struggles to get to his feet. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Norman frantically washes his hands. JEFF Norman? Norman? Norman still has his face down. (CONTINUED) 91 CONTINUED: NORMAN Please, please. Just come off. JEFF Norman! Norman turns and we see he has shit splattered on his face. NORMAN What? Jeff points to his face. JEFF You missed some. Norman turns slowly and looks in the mirror. He freaks out. NORMAN Oh, I think I've got some of it in my mouth! Norman desperately rushes to wash it off. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank is now up on his feet and running around like a rabid animal. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - SAME TIME Jeff pulls Norman up and shakes him. JEFF Pull yourself together. Would you rather get caught or have shit in your mouth?! Uncle Russell has fallen asleep on the toilet. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Frank is running around the room. Through the door, we see Uncle Russell sleeping on the toilet. Frank jumps up and down on the sofa. He loses his balance and falls on the coffee table head first. He cracks his head on the corner and falls straight down. Jeff and Norman rush out of the bathroom to find Frank lying on the floor motionless, blood on his head. (CONTINUED) 92. CONTINUED: NORMAN Oh, no. Check him. Check him. JEFF Hey, man, you alright? No response. NORMAN Check him again. Check him. JEFF Man. Hey. Hey! NORMAN Wake him up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. JEFF What's his name? NORMAN I don't know. Try Larry. Jeff looks at Norman, but he doesn't have a better idea. JEFF Larry? NORMAN Shake him. Jeff bends down and shakes him. JEFF Larry, wake up. It's time to get up. From the bathroom, Uncle Russell starts to stir. Norman quickly closes the door. NORMAN Maybe it's not Larry. Try something else. Pinch him. Jeff pinches Frank. Still no response. NORMAN (CONT'D) He must be breathing. He has to be breathing. Please God let him be breathing. (CONTINUED) 93. CONTINUED: (2) Jeff looks concerned. He checks for a pulse. He looks up at Norman with an expression that tells us all we need to know. JEFF He's dead. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Michelle walks into frame and stops at the coffin. Aaron and. Ryan stand on either side of her. MICHELLE So that's it? We're just giving him all the money we've saved? AARON Well, it's not that simple. MICHELLE Why not? RYAN Aaron refused to pay. MICHELLE How come you couldn't pay, Ryan? RYAN That's not the point. Besides, the only reason Aaron tore up the check is because the guy started talking bad about his novel. MICHELLE Your novel? Michelle looks confused. MICHELLE (CONT'D) You let him read your novel? You wouldn't let me read your novel. Are you screwing him, too? 'Cause Lord knows you're not screwing me. INT.HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman comes out of the study and closes the door behindhim. He leans against the door, dripping with sweat. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron and Ryan look over and see Norman. (CONTINUED) 94. CONTINUED: ANGLE ON: Norman as he pastes a maniacal grin on his face and crosses into the living room. As he moves through the throng of mourners, they are all unnerved by him. NORMAN Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me. Hi. The hugesmile never leaves his face. ANGLE ON: Ryan, Aaron and Michelle watching Norman, concerned. Norman approaches and stands on the other side of the coffin. AARON Norman, why are you grinning like that? NORMAN (to Aaron and Ryan) Can you come to the study for a second? Aaron can see from Norman's face, and the sweat on his forehead, that something serious has happened. Then he sees Cynthia sitting in the corner. AARON (TO MICHELLE) I'll be back soon. Can you check on Mom? MICHELLE Sure. They exit. Michelle crosses to Cynthia. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Hey, are you doing okay? It's going to be alright. CYNTHIA If you've never given life, child, how can you understand death? INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff is leaning on the window. There's a knock at the door. AARON (O.S.) It's Aaron. Jeff opens the door. Norman, Ryan and Aaron enter. Norman locks the door behind them. Aaron rushes over to the body. (CONTINUED) 95 CONTINUED: AARON (CONT'D) Oh shit! Call an ambulance. JEFF There's no point. AARON What do you mean "there's no point"?! JEFF Look at him! He's dead! AARON Dead, dead? RYAN Is there a "kind of" dead, Aaron? AARON What the hell did you do to him? NORMAN We didn't do anything! AARON Well he was alive when I left. JEFF He hit his head on the table. AARON Oh no. This is really bad. This is really, really bad. JEFF What are we going to do? AARON Twenty-five to life. Norman looks at his watch. NORMAN You know what, I really have to be SOMEPLACE ELSE-- Norman makes his way to the door. JEFF You're not going anywhere. (CONTINUED) 96. CONTINUED: (2) NORMAN Look, I'm not the prison type. They'll kill me. Oh my God, I'm going to die. I'm going to die in prison. Oh my God, do you know how fast a rash spreads in prison? Aaron smacks Norman. AARON Pull yourself together! Norman calms down. NORMAN Thanks, man. After a beat, Ryan speaks. RYAN Look, no one here knows who this guy is. Nobody knows his name. They probably didn't even notice him. AARON Didn't notice him? He's four fucking feet tall. RYAN Look, all we have to do is get rid of the body. It'll be like he came and left. AARON Get rid of the body?! It took me two months to get rid of a couch. JEFF Did any of you happen to notice the size of Uncle Edward's coffin? Everyone looks at Jeff. AARON (TO JEFF) You want to bury him with my father? JEFF Why not?... I mean it's not like he's going to know. (CONTINUED) 97. CONTINUED: (3) AARON That's not the point. RYAN You have to admit, it makes sense, Aaron. The coffin's there, the hole in the ground's there... He'll be gone, finished, end of story... Unless you have a better suggestion. Aaron desperately tries to think of an alternative. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Derek and Elaine are sitting in the corridor. Elaine looks drained of energy. Derek's smoking a cigarette. DEREK It's funny. No matter what you say, I'm convinced we'll be together. ELAINE Yeah, well, we all make mistakes... I used to be convinced I was going to marry Prince. What happened there? DEREK You still could. ELAINE You're an idiot. DEREK I'm serious. You only live once. You might as well do whatever it is that makes you happy. ELAINE Yes, but maybe I don't think of life anymore as all about me, me, me. Maybe I've discovered there's something outside of myself that I care about. And maybe you should, too. Derek looks hurt. DEREK That's kind of cold. I care about you. (CONTINUED) 98. CONTINUED: ELAINE No, Derek, you care about you. You only care about me in relation to how I affect you. There's a difference. DEREK That's not true, Elaine. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Oscar is squatting down rolling his head around when he hears Elaine's voice. ELAINE (O.S.) Derek, get over yourself. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS Elaine moves over to the window. Derek follows her. DEREK Hey! He slaps her on the butt. Elaine whirls around. Derek grabs her on the arms. DEREK (CONT'D) I'm the man for you, and you're coming home with me. He kisses her. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Oscar turns to look at the window and sees Derek and Elaine kissing. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - LATER Elaine pulls away and punches Derek in the face. He staggers back and sees Oscar in the window. DEREK What is that?! Elaine turns around. ELAINE Oscar! 99. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Oscar moves away from the window and further out on the ledge. Elaine opens the window and sticks her head out. ELAINE Oscar! What are you doing? Get back here and put your clothes on right now! OSCAR I saw you kissing him. ELAINE I wasn't kissing him. I swear. Please, baby, put your clothes on. We're at a funeral! Derek sticks his head out the window behind Elaine. OSCAR You cheater! You cheater! You're committing adultery!!! ELAINE Calm down. OSCAR I'm going to jump right now. ELAINE Remember you've got drugs in you. This isn't really happening. Oscar, look at me. She turns to Derek. ELAINE (CONT'D) (TO DEREK) Get out of here! She pushes him back inside. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME As mourners mill about the lawn we hear: OSCAR (O.S.) I'm going to jump. I'm jumping. You're a cheater! (CONTINUED) 100. CONTINUED: People gather. around and look up. We only see Oscar from the waist up. ANGLE ON: Oscar. OSCAR (CONT'D) I'm going to jump. She's cheating on me! ELAINE (O.S.) Oscar, please. Come back here. INT. STUDY - DAY Ryan, Aaron, Jeff and Norman are as we left them. NORMAN There's just no way we can do it. It's impossible. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Everyone freezes. DEREK (O.S.) Norman, it's Derek. Let me in. Everyone freezes. RYAN Oh shit. Put him in the bathroom. Aaron and Jeff drag Frank to the bathroom door. DEREK (O.S.) Are you in there? Aaron opens the door and we see Uncle Russell still on the toilet. He looks up. UNCLE RUSSELL What's that? Aaron slams the door. We can hear Russell's muffled shouting coming from behind the bathroom door. AARON Norman!! Why is Uncle Russell on the toilet? NORMAN I forgot! (CONTINUED) 101. CONTINUED: AARON How could you forget?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Another loud bang on the door. DEREK (O.S.) Aaron, open the door. Norman opens the door as Aaron runs over to keep Derek from entering. INT. STUDY/CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron opens the door an inch. AARON What is it? DEREK Aaron, where's Norman? NORMAN (from behind the door) I'm here. DEREK It's Oscar, he went crazy. He's-- Derek realizes that something weird's going on. DEREK (CONT'D) What's going on? AARON Nothing. Derek puts aside his curiosity for the time being. DEREK Look, Oscar's on the roof stark naked. He saw me kissing Elaine and now he's threatening to jump! JEFF I've got to go. Jeff rushes to the door. RYAN Where are you going? (CONTINUED) 102. CONTINUED: JEFF I have to go out there. If he jumps, my sister is going to kill me. Jeff rushes out. AARON (to Ryan and Norman) Wait here. Aaron follows Jeff, but he does not run. He walks out. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Jeff rushes through the empty room. Aaron walks behind him slowly. EXT. BACK GARDEN DAY Jeff runs through the kitchen door and joins the mourners looking at Oscar on the roof. ELAINE Get back here. Be careful! OSCAR I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky! ANGLE ON: Aaron who steps out and sees everybody watching Oscar. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Elaine is still leaning out the window. ELAINE Oscar, come inside. We'll have some coffee. OSCAR (PETULANTLY) No! He climbs up on the roof. ELAINE Oscar! She climbs out the window. 103. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME The mourners see that Oscar is naked. He stumbles. Everybody GASPS! Aaron notices that everybody is captivated by the drama. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Elaine follows Oscar on the roof. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME Duncan sees Elaine on the roof. DUNCAN Elaine, what are you doing?! Elaine sees Oscar climbing further up the roof. DUNCAN (CONT'D) Elaine! Elaine follows Oscar. Aaron realizes this is his chance. He heads back inside. Michelle catches him at the door. MICHELLE What are you doing? AARON I think I can get rid of this guy, but I need you to stay out here and try to stop anyone from coming in. MICHELLE Okay. I'll do what I can. She heads back to the crowd on the lawn. As Aaron goes through the doorway of the kitchen, Derek passes him on the way out to the lawn to see what's happening. DUNCAN (O.S.) Elaine! INT. STUDY - DAY Norman is standing in the corner. Aaron knocks on the door. NORMAN Who is it? (CONTINUED) 104. CONTINUED: AARON (O.S.) It's Aaron! Norman opens the door. AARON (CONT'D) Everyone's out in the garden... We've gotta move the body now. RYAN Let's go! Ryan and Aaron grab Frank. As Norman runs out. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman looks around and sees that it's clear. He goes back to the study and opens the door. NORMAN Quick. Quick! Aaron and Ryan carry Frank out as Norman looks around. RYAN Make sure no one comes in. As they disappear around the corner,, Norman closes the study door. He turns just in time to find Reverend Davis approaching. He intercepts. NORMAN (to Reverend Davis) Hi! The reverend looks around, not knowing why Norman is being so especially friendly to her. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan and Aaron hurry across the living room carrying Frank. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman is blocking Reverend Davis. NORMAN So, what made you decide to get your God on? (CONTINUED) 105. CONTINUED: REVEREND DAVIS Look, I'm sorry, I really need to use THE PHONE-- NORMAN I'd like to make a confession. REVEREND DAVIS I'm not a priest. NORMAN That's okay, 'cause I'm not Catholic. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron and Ryan get to the coffin and Ryan opens it up. There's an intense moment as they look down at their father in the coffin. They both stop for a moment, speechless. RYAN Aaron, we have to do this. Aaron looks up at Ryan and nods his assent. Ryan and Aaron lift up Frank and try their best to put him in the coffin. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman still blocks the reverend. NORMAN What do you think God's favorite color is? REVEREND DAVIS (ANNOYED) I have no idea. NORMAN I'll bet it's blue. The sky's blue. The seas are blue. And the winds blew, too. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan and Aaron are staring at the body. Frank is on his stomach, tops to tails with their father. Aaron looks at it and decides that it's just wrong. AARON We can't leave it like that. (CONTINUED) 106. CONTINUED: Ryan looks down and laughs. RYAN In a strange way, this might have been what he wanted. AARON Be serious for a second. They begin lifting him again. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Norman is doing his best to keep Reverend Davis at bay. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan have swiveled the body around so that Frank is facing upwards. RYAN Why do you say I don't take anything seriously? You complain about me all the time, but if I didn't play the bad boy, you couldn't play the martyr. (MOCKING) Aaron's so great, Aaron's so right, Aaron's so responsible. (back to normal) Why don't you try laughing and enjoying life once in a while? It might make you a better a writer. INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY Norman is still talking to Reverend Davis. She looks like she really doesn't want to be there. REVEREND DAVIS Look, I must get to a phone. There's a man on the roof who's going to jump. NORMAN I'm addicted to strip clubs. The shoes, the poles, the smell. I just like to take my money and throw it in the air. I like to make it rain. 107. EXT. ROOF - DAY Elaine is stepping off the fire escape ladder and onto the roof peak. Oscar sits sadly on the roof peak with his back to the crowd. ELAINE Oscar... Please don't do this... love you. OSCAR Then why were you with him? ELAINE I wasn't with him. OSCAR Yes, you were! I saw you! EXT. BACK GARDEN - CONTINUOUS Derek is laughing next to Jeff. We see the view from their POV. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Elaine finally gets closer to Oscar. OSCAR I'll never be good enough. Not for your dad, and not for you. ELAINE Oscar, please just come inside. OSCAR No. You go inside. ELAINE Come with me. OSCAR Why? ELAINE Because you're going to be a father. Oscar looks at her, shocked. OSCAR What? (CONTINUED) 108. CONTINUED: ELAINE I'm pregnant. We're going to have a child... ANGLE ON: Oscar and Elaine. OSCAR You're pregnant? Oscar is overcome with emotion. Elaine holds out her hand. ELAINE I won't be able to do it without you. Very slowly, a naked Oscar, walks toward her and they embrace. The crowd applauds. ANGLE ON: Michelle. MICHELLE What about me?! I want a baby. Would somebody get me pregnant?! Everybody looks at Michelle. She smiles weakly. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY Seeing Oscar is safe, Jeff is very relieved. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Norman and the reverend hear applause. Reverend Davis heads back out to see what's up. Norman turns to check on Ryan and Aaron. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan are just about to close the lid. They both look down at their father one last time. Aaron takes a moment to touch his father's hand. AARON Bye, Dad. Ryan takes a long look as he closes the coffin. EXT. ROOF - DAY Oscar turns toward the crowd. (CONTINUED) 109. CONTINUED: OSCAR (ANNOUNCING WILDLY) We're having a baby. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY General approval noises and applause come from the crowd. Duncan looks appalled. DUNCAN Great. Duncan heads toward the kitchen door. He passes a shocked looking Derek. Michelle follows and speaks loudly as Duncan is about to enter the kitchen. MICHELLE Aaron?! Oscar's off the roof! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan quickly shut the coffin a moment before Duncan enters the living room through the kitchen door and crosses on the way to the stairs. DUNCAN I'm going to kill him. Jeff follows Duncan in, looks at the coffin, then looks at Aaron and Ryan questioning them with his eyes. They return the look with silent assurance that the job is done. Michelle comes in. MICHELLE (TO AARON) Hey, is he gone? AARON Yeah. MICHELLE Thank God. Everybody breathes a sigh of relief. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Elaine helps Oscar through the window. OSCAR Thank you. (CONTINUED) 110. CONTINUED: DUNCAN (O.S.) Elaine! Elaine opens the bathroom door and Duncan enters. Elaine helps Oscar get dressed. DUNCAN (CONT'D) (TO ELAINE) Thank God you're safe. (TO OSCAR) You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you? Stay away from my daughter. ELAINE Look, Dad-- DUNCAN Elaine, stay out of this. ELAINE No, I'm not staying out of this. Remember how I told you we were moving in together? Well, I lied. We're getting married. Duncan is shocked. DUNCAN You're what?! ELAINE We're getting married. DUNCAN Elaine, you don't have to marry him just because you're pregnant. ELAINE I'm not marrying him because I'm pregnant. I'm marrying him because I love him. DUNCAN How can you love him? He's an idiot. ELAINE Dad, this is my life. If you don't like it, too bad. But if you want to keep me and my child in your life, you'd better change your attitude, especially about my husband. (CONTINUED) 111. CONTINUED: (2) Elaine exits, taking Oscar with her. OSCAR Bye, Dad. They exit. EXT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Cynthia walks up to Aaron. CYNTHIA Baby, I really think we should start again now. Have you seen Uncle Russell? Aaron remembers where he is and looks at Ryan. They rush off to the study, passing Jeff. Jeff checks his pockets and realizes the pills are gone again. He goes off to find them. INT. STUDY - DAY Aaron and Ryan enter the study and head toward the closed bathroom door. They open it and find Uncle Russell sitting on the toilet. UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is going on in this place? AARON I'm so sorry, Uncle Russell. There was someone on the roof-- UNCLE RUSSELL Never mind that. What about that dead body you dragged in here? Aaron and Ryan feign ignorance. AARON What dead body? UNCLE RUSSELL Don't mess with me. I know a dead body when I see one. I live in a retirement home. 112. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Norman sniffs his fingers, worried. In the background we see Elaine entering the room with Oscar, now dressed, but still looking a bit wired. People respond with scattered applause and congratulations. Derek walks over and joins Norman. DEREK Did you hear that? She's having a kid! Derek looks at Norman who's looking sort of distant. DEREK (CONT'D) How's your skin thing? NORMAN Oh that... It's probably nothing. I'm more worried about Hepatitis C after having Uncle Russell's shit in my mouth. I think I'm feeling yellow. Norman touches his skin as he walks away, leaving Derek confused. ANGLE ON: Jeff frantically looking for the pill bottle. He gives up and sits in a chair. ANGLE ON: Ryan is wheeling Uncle Russell into the room as Aaron moves to his seat. UNCLE RUSSELL I'm telling you I saw the guy. He was dead! RYAN I know you did, Russell. We all did. UNCLE RUSSELL No! In the bathroom. Ryan offers a look to the other mourners indicating that Uncle Russell's a bit mad and shouldn't be listened to. ANGLE ON: Michelle comes over to Aaron. AARON I can't believe what a nightmare today has been. (CONTINUED) 113. CONTINUED: MICHELLE I don't know. It's been sort of exciting. Aaron looks at her. MICHELLE (CONT'D) For a funeral, I mean... AARON Listen, about the condo and the baby, I PROMISE-- MICHELLE We'll work it out. Let's just get this day over with. Then we can worry about the rest of our lives. Aaron hugs Michelle. AARON I can't believe I still have to do this eulogy... with everything I've just found out. A beat. MICHELLE It doesn't change anything, does it? AARON Not a thing. Reverend Davis approaches Aaron, looking at her watch and appearing flustered. REVEREND DAVIS We're going to have to fly through this now. I already missed a funeral and two Christenings. AARON Sure. Let's go. REVEREND DAVIS Do you want an open casket? AARON/RYAN/NORMAN/JEFF No! The reverend looks shocked at the reaction, but ignores it. She stands up at the front and speaks quickly. (CONTINUED) 114. CONTINUED: (2) REVEREND DAVIS Alright! Everybody in their seats now! (she snaps her fingers) Hey, you, sit down. People settle into their seats. Ryan manages to squeeze in next to Martina. He smiles at her, flirtatiously. Cynthia throws Ryan a look, and he gets up and goes to sit with her. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) (speaking very quickly) I'd like to apologize on behalf of the family for all of the distractions. I hope that everyone is settled and ready to continue with the service. Aaron, the oldest son, would like to say a few words about his father. Michelle gives Aaron an encouraging look as he makes his way to the front. Aaron clears his throat and prepares to begin. The room is absolutely silent. He takes a deep breath. ANGLE ON: The reverend nodding for Aaron to hurry up. ANGLE ON: Aaron. AARON My father... was an exceptional-- BANG! BANG! BANG! Suddenly, a loud banging emanates from the coffin. Everyone stares at it in stunned silence. Jeff looks over to Norman whose eyes are as wide as saucers. Aaron looks like a deer caught in headlights. He looks at Ryan who gestures to him to continue. He nervously struggles on. AARON (CONT'D) My father was an exceptional man. BANG! BANG! BANG! Everyone stares at the coffin in awe. Aaron bravely continues. AARON (CONT'D) Not only did he live for his family, but he was always there for others-- BANG! BANG! BANG! (CONTINUED) 115. CONTINUED: (3) DUNCAN What the hell is going on? MOURNER 1 There's someone in there! OSCAR I knew it! I knew it! Suddenly the coffin lid flips off and everyone stares in wonder as Frank sits up, looking like a crazy person, and babbling incoherently. Several people scream. Frank opens the other end of the coffin and looks at his dead lover. RYAN (trying to cover) What the hell are you doing in my Dad's coffin? Frank starts grabbing at Edward's body screaming. FRANK Edward! Edward! Edward! Ryan, Norman and Jeff try to pull Frank out of the coffin, but he's holding onto the corpse. FRANK (CONT'D) No! No! Finally they get Frank out and carry him from the room. As he passes Cynthia, the photos fall out of his pocket at her feet. As Duncan closes the coffin again, Cynthia bends down and picks up one of the photographs and stares at it. Her face turns to horror as she makes out the image. The noise in the room is broken by Cynthia's furious cry. She drops the photos and runs at Frank. CYNTHIA You bastard! Cynthia tackles Frank and starts beating him. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) (as she hits him) He was with you! Duncan picks up the photos. He shows them to Uncle Russell. (CONTINUED) 116. CONTINUED: (4) UNCLE RUSSELL I always thought he had a little sugar in his tank. Everything has descended into total chaos until Aaron finally shouts across the room. AARON MY FATHER WAS AN EXCEPTIONAL MAN!!! Everyone, including Frank and Cynthia, looks at Aaron, stunned. They all freeze. There's a long silence. AARON (CONT'D) He had his... shortcomings, but he took care of his family. He loved his family. He loved this house. He worked hard. All I wanted today was to show him how much we all loved and admired him. To give him the respect that he deserved... Is that really so much to ask? We all get so distracted by the... little things in life. We forget about the important things. Like the fact that we lost a great man. The mourners look up at Aaron with undivided attention. AARON (CONT'D) So maybe he loved "Dreamgirls" more than most men. We don't know why a man makes the choices he makes. But I do know that my father made the best choices he could make. Life is complicated. We're just thrown here together in a world filled with chaos and confusion... and we do our best. And Dad did his best... Aaron looks over at the coffin. As.he speaks, we see shots of Cynthia, Frank, Jeff, Norman, Duncan as they are moved by Aaron's words. AARON (CONT'D) He taught us to go for what we wanted in life, because you never know how long you're going to be here... And whether you succeed... or you fail... the important thing is that you tried. (CONTINUED) 117. CONTINUED: (5) A beat. Michelle looks up at her husband with pride. We see the various other mourners looking at Aaron and listening. AARON (CONT'D) So when you all leave here today, I want you to remember Dad for who he really was... A decent, loving man who never condemned anyone for how they lived. Who never cast disparaging remarks or held prejudices against race, gender... height. If only we could all be as giving, as generous, as understanding as my father... Even dead, my father has more character than everyone in this room. If I am half the man my father was, my child will be incredibly blessed. Aaron turns and walks out of the room. Everyone watches him go. Michelle follows him out of the room. FADE OUT: FADE IN: EXT. HOUSE - ESTABLISHING SHOT The house has emptied out. All the cars are gone. INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER - EVENING Aaron is laying on the couch, looking drained. Ryan comes down the stairs. It looks like he's had some time to recover. He walks over and takes a seat. AARON How's Mom? RYAN She's resting. A beat. RYAN (CONT'D) I've asked Mom to come live with me for awhile. It'll give you and Michelle a chance to breathe a bit, you know. Move and everything. Aaron looks at Ryan, surprised.
DEATH TO SMOOCHY by Adam Resnick December 2000 Early Draft FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY BEGIN CREDITS EXT. KIDNET STUDIO -C - EVENING A man in a puffy foam-rubber rhinoceros costume dancing under the bright friendly lights of a television studio. Another rhino and various foam-rubber animals dance behind him to the happy MUSIC. The rhino finishes his number and takes a bow. A bleacher full of kids bursts into wild applause. INT. BACKSTAGE - MOMENTS LATER After the taping. The rhino lumbers down the hallway toward wardrobe. He is suddenly grabbed by two large men and dragged out through the exit into... INT. DARK PARKING GARAGE ... where several thugs in overcoats emerge from the shadows and start beating him with lead pipes. One of the men pulls out a GUN and SHOOTS the rhino several times. The SHOTS REVERBERATE through the empty garage. FINAL CREDIT: CUT TO BLACK: SUPERIMPOSE: ONE YEAR EARLIER FADE UP ON: INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY It's the taping of another children's show -- "Rainbow Randolph and the Krinkle Kids." RANDOLPH SMILEY, a clean-cut man with a happy face and yellow bow tie, dances through Rainbowland with the "Krinkle Kids" (little people in top hats). He sings one of his signature songs: "Friends Come In All Sizes." One of the main Krinkle Kids -- ANGELO PIKE -- dances behind him. RANDOLPH (singing) 'Friends come in all sizes That's a fact! It's True! All colors of the rainbow from Mauve to Blue... (MORE) (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (CONT'D) Their names may not be different and their shoes may not match One might say 'grasp' while the other says 'snatch' Some like to toss while others like to caaaaatch... Beeee- caaaause... Friends come in all sizes Take it from me! Golly Gee! Size never matters when you want some friendly patter From a pal who is true and can lift you when you're blue You can count on him and he can count on yoooouuuu! It's true... that... (big finish) Friends come in all sizes!' DISSOLVE TO: MONTAGE - RAINBOW RANDOLPH MERCHANDISE "Sugar Rainbows Cereal," plastic toys lined up on store shelves, kids playing with Randolph dolls, kids eating "Rainbow Potato Chips" and "Rainbow Candies." A "Rainbow Burster," a kind of gun that shoots plastic rainbows. Marquees announcing upcoming live appearances, etc. We get the picture. Rainbow Randolph is the king of the kid shows. INT. DIMLY-LIT BAR - NIGHT A suburban-looking HUSBAND and WIFE enter. They find Rainbow Randolph sitting alone, drinking a Scotch. Hair slicked back, sans bow tie, the friendly face no longer looks so friendly. He nods for them to sit down. After a nervous beat, the Husband puts a briefcase on the table and slides it to Randolph. Randolph takes a gulp of his Scotch. He unsnaps the briefcase and opens it. Five grand stares him in the face. HUSBAND So... uh... you'll make sure my boy dances up front, right? Where he'll get the most camera time? Randolph slams the briefcase shut, startling the couple. RANDOLPH You want your kid on the show? (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: HUSBAND Of... of course. WIFE Yes, very much. RANDOLPH Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business. HUSBAND No, no, we were just -- Randolph rises. He takes a final gulp of his Scotch and picks up the briefcase. RANDOLPH I'll call you if a spot opens up. He starts to walk off. Suddenly, the Husband and Wife jump up from the table holding guns. HUSBAND Freeze, you cocksucker! WIFE Drop the briefcase! Federal agents storm into the bar and surround Randolph. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAWN Bundles of the morning editions are tossed onto the curb from passing trucks. The various headlines blare: "RAINBOW RANDOLPH BUSTED ACCEPTING BRIBE" "FCC PROBES KID SHOW BIZ" "CORRUPTION IN KRINKLELAND" INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY The Rainbow Randolph/Krinkle Kid set is being dismantled. Backdrops are rolled up and the giant rainbow centerpiece is wheeled off. Workers with push brooms sweep up tons of glittery "magic Rainbow dust." INT. NETWORK BOARDROOM - KIDNET - DAY We are TIGHT ON the sweating face of a MAN who looks like he's about to be executed. CUT BACK TO: 4. STOKES is standing at the end of a long conference table as the NETWORK BRASS glares at him. STOKES (addressing the brass) Gentlemen, let me be the first to say, in all sobriety, that I'm as shocked and outraged as all of -- The network CEO, a hog of a man, cuts him off. CEO Save it for the papers, Stokes. We've got nervous sponsors and an angry public -- a combination uglier than two monkeys fucking. What are you doing about it? STOKES Well, sir, I'm currently in the process of compiling a list of viable replacements and it's my hope... CEO Clean replacements? With background checks? I assure you, Mr. Stokes, this network cannot survive another Rainbow Randolph. The goddamn P.R. department looks like the Jim Jones camp. Another EXECUTIVE chimes in. EXECUTIVE #1 Remember, Stokes, this was your dog that crapped on our rug. EXECUTIVE #2 We trusted you, Frank. And now we're in a tight spot. We have to post our quarterly earnings next month, for Christ's sake. CEO Whoever takes that slot has to be a straight arrow. Clean as a whistle. EXECUTIVE #3 Right. Someone who'll take the heat off. One of those sweater types. Any chance of luring Fred Rogers away from P.B.S.? (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: EXECUTIVE #4 Yeah, if we back up the Brinks truck. EXECUTIVE #1 No way. The idea now is to stop the hemorrhaging. EXECUTIVE #2 You better fix this, Stokes. Get us a white bread replacement, fast. Bland, milk toast. Not a speck of controversy. A giant hand slams on the table. All heads snap. The CEO drags his fingers along the shiny mahogany. Deafening sound. CEO (calm and measured) Squeaky fucking clean. INT. STOKES' OFFICE - DAY Stokes sits behind his mahogany desk, sipping a glass of wine as he goes over potential Randolph replacements with NORA BISHOP, his pretty protege. STOKES Bumble Bee Billy? NORA (reading from a list) Wife beater. STOKES Square Dance Danny? NORA Still appealing the mail fraud thing. STOKES Skippy Black and the Tippy Trolls? NORA Black was deported, and the trolls... well, who gives a shit. Nora kicks the table in frustration. (CONTINUED) 6. CONTINUED: NORA This is impossible. If I ever see that Rainbow Randolph again I'll strangle him. Choke the life out of him. Squeeze his scrawny neck until his eyes pop out of his skull and bounce off the walls... STOKES Before indulging such cheery fantasies, let's just concentrate on saving my job. Shall we? NORA Sorry, Frank. Stokes flips through a thick stack of files. He suddenly stops at one. STOKES What's going on with Sheldon Mopes these days. Nora laughs. NORA Oh my God. Have we sunk to that level already? Smoochy the Rhino? What a sap. STOKES Sap's just the pill we need right now. Mopes is a straight arrow. Always has been. NORA The guy can't get arrested, Frank. He can't even break into the birthday party circuit. Last I heard he was working hospitals and nursing homes. He's a joke. Stokes stands up and walks around the room. STOKES The truth of the matter is, a successful children's show has always depended on two simple elements: a fuzzy costume and a lot of hype. Strip away the foam rubber and the network money and they're all jokes. Marginal talents.. cabaret acts... off- Broadway runoff... (CONTINUED) 7. CONTINUED: NORA I probably have ten acts in my development file -- acts I've been cultivating -- that are more deserving than Sheldon Mopes. STOKES And each one a moral question mark. Something I can't risk at the moment. NORA (frustrated) We can do better than this guy, Frank. He brings nothing to the table. STOKES Except ethics. With Mopes, there's never been a whiff of controversy. The man's an ethical, harmless, cornball. In short, a glass of milk on two legs. Stokes stops pacing. NORA Don't ask me to do it. You know I'll do anything for you, but please... not this... Stokes gazes out the window at the city. STOKES Go find Smoochy. EXT. CONEY ISLAND - EARLY EVENING The lighted Ferris wheel spins CENTER FRAME. We CRANE DOWN and eventually LAND ON a side street with the amusement park looming in the b.g. We're in FRONT of a small building. The half-lit neon sign reads: CONEY ISLAND METHADONE CENTER. We DRIFT THROUGH the double doors THROUGH the reception area where random junkies loiter and fill out paperwork. We CONTINUE DOWN a narrow hallway as the faint sound of someone SINGING and playing the GUITAR INCREASES. We finally burst THROUGH another set of doors marked "Treatment Room." The singing now fills our ears as we PUSH IN ON the "performer" -- a big, puffy, orange rhinoceros. Smoochy. Or to be more specific, SHELDON MOPES. (CONTINUED) 8. CONTINUED: Smoochy sits on a stool with his guitar and sings to the patients as they stand in line before a sliding glass window, where a nurse hands each person a little cup of methadone which they immediately drink. The Smoochy costume is a mass of misshapen orange foam rubber that exposes Sheldon's painted face in the front. A multi-colored horn protrudes from his forehead. SMOOCHY (SHELDON) (singing to the tune of 'She'll be Comin' round the Mountain') 'We'll get that monkey off your back, Yes we will, yes we will We'll get that monkey off your back, Yes we will...' 'We'll get that monkey off your back And get your life right back on track If you'll just give up the smack Yes you will, yes you will!!' The song ends. A few baffled junkies applaud. SMOOCHY Thanks, fellas. I'm rooting for you! We PAN AWAY FROM Sheldon TO the exit. Standing there in her coat, looking mortified, is Nora. INT. RECEPTION AREA - SHORT WHILE LATER Nora sits in the reception area. Sheldon emerges in his street clothes. He carries Smoochy's body on a hanger over his shoulder and carries a large shopping bag which holds Smoochy's head. NORA Mr. Mopes? Sheldon stops. SHELDON Yeah? (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: NORA I, uh, saw your performance tonight. Very... (searching) ... spirited. SHELDON Really? Thanks. I would've done a longer set if that guy hadn't pulled a knife on the security guard. Once the pepper spray starts flyin', that's it for the encores. NORA Yes, that did put a damper on the evening, didn't it? SHELDON Are you a new patient? On the juice, as we say? NORA Ah, no. But it's sweet of you to assume so. She hands him her card. He reads it. SHELDON 'Nora Bishop. V.P. of Development. Kidnet.' (to Nora) Good gravy. You work for Kidnet? NORA As stated. Sheldon grabs her hand and shakes it. SHELDON Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Nora. A real honor. Hey, you hungry? EXT. CONEY ISLAND BOARDWALK - NATHAN'S HOT DOGS - SHORT WHILE LATER Sheldon and Nora stand at the crowded counter at Nathan's. Sheldon ravenously eats his sloppily- garnished, oddly colored hot dog. Nora winces as she watches him. (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: SHELDON (with full mouth) Soy dogs... never thought I'd live to see the day. Organic, rich in natural protein, and nobody gets killed. Although I do feel bad for the beans. Just kidding. Sure you don't want one? NORA Believe it or not, no. He takes another bite. SHELDON So anyway, like I was saying, people always tell me, 'You gotta network, Sheldon... you gotta sell yourself... or you'll be playing the drug clinics and shopping centers the rest of your life.' And you know what I tell 'em? NORA I haven't the foggiest. SHELDON I tell 'em, it's not about the old handshake and back slap game. It's not about adding fuel to the shlock machine. It's about doing good work. Having integrity. Making people happy and delivering a positive message. Foundations are built with concrete, not plaster of Paris! He pulls the stained, misshapen Smoochy head from the shopping bag. SHELDON This is concrete! This is integrity! NORA (calmly) I can see that. Sheldon realizes his voice was getting too loud. SHELDON Sorry. As you can imagine, living by your convictions can be a little stressful at times. (CONTINUED) 11. CONTINUED: NORA We all have our cross to bear. SHELDON See, I was raised by my grandfather, and Grandpop paved driveways for a living... NORA Are we going into a story? SHELDON Thing is, he didn't really pave them. Just covered them with black paint. Of course, once the first rain came along, people realized they'd been swindled. I vowed to myself back then that I'd never make a living through deception. Never. Whadda ya think of them apples? Nora looks glassy-eyed. She takes a deep breath. NORA The reason I'm here today, Mr. Mopes, as fate would have it, Kidnet is currently looking for a performer with... convictions. And integrity. Someone like... She almost chokes on the word. NORA ... yourself. Sheldon laughs. SHELDON Yeah, right. Got any more jokes? NORA I don't think I could top that one. SHELDON Hold the phone. You're telling me that Kidnet is finally ready to do a show of Smoochy quality? Of Smoochy caliber? (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: NORA (dryly) Yes... I believe we're ready to push ourselves to that level. SHELDON I knew this day would come! After all these years I finally meet someone in the business who gets what I do. Who gets what I'm all about. You get me, don't you, Nora? NORA I'm afraid so. SHELDON Well, Miss V.P. of Development... let's go make history! CUT TO: PREP MONTAGE KIDNET STUDIO WARDROBE ROOM. A team of designers and seamstresses cut, sew and shape endless sheets of orange foam rubber. Sheldon stands on a wooden box as he's measured from head to toe. On the wall is a blueprint labeled "Smoochy the Rhino -- REDESIGN." A costume designer walks over with the new Smoochy head and places it on Sheldon. As seamstresses fit him with the new Smoochy costume, various signs and billboards FLOAT THROUGH the FRAME, trumpeting copy like: "IT'S ALMOST SMOOCHY TIME!" "GET READY TO BE SMOOCHED, AMERICA!" "ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS TILL SMOOCHY!" KIDNET STUDIO -C. Sets, props, and camera equipment are rolled into the studio. Through a SERIES of DISSOLVES we see the Smoochyland Magic Jungle take shape. KIDNET STUDIO -C - LATER A choreographer maps out a number for Smoochy and the "Rhinettes." (The Rhinettes are the former Krinkle Kid little people with horns strapped to their foreheads.) (CONTINUED) 13. CONTINUED: Nora and Stokes watch from the wings with a mixture of uncertainty and disgust. DISSOLVE BACK TO: WARDROBE ROOM A seamstress zips up the back of the finished, redesigned Smoochy costume. Sheldon stands proudly before the design team. Smoochy is now television ready: smoothed out, more colorful, less lumpy and exuding sunshiny happiness. DISSOLVE TO: STUDIO -C - BACKSTAGE Smoochy is about to enter with the Rhinettes. ANGELO, a former Krinkle Kid, stands beside him. SMOOCHY Angelo, you were always my favorite Krinkle Kid. The way you'd click your heels during the 'Jellybean Jam.' Real artistry. I'm honored to have you as a Rhinette. ANGELO A job's a job. STUDIO -C - PRACTICE TAPING Suddenly lights up in all its multi-colored Smoochyland glory. The bleachers are full of children. ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Hey, kids! Who's your favorite rhino? The kids in the bleachers all scream in unison. KIDS Smoochy! Smoochy bounds out on stage followed by the Rhinettes who form a dancing circle around him. SMOOCHY Hiya, kids! (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: KIDS Hi, Smoochy! SMOOCHY It's gonna be a fantabulous day in Smoochyland!! The kids cheer as Smoochy and the Rhinettes featuring Angelo Pike, go into their "It's a Fantabulous Day in Smoochyland" number -- a catchy, bouncy song and dance routine that plays out in the sugar-coated jungle of Smoochyland. SMOOCHY (singing) 'Ohhhh... it's a fantabulous day in Smoochy-land/Let's have a great big cheer for the Smoochy-land band/We'll dance with our jungle pals, won't that be grand/Oh, it's a fantabulous day in Smoochy- land!' Smoochy dances right UP TO the CAMERA, FILLING the FRAME with his friendly, puffy face. END of prep MONTAGE. EXT. DOCK BY RIVER - NIGHT (POURING RAIN) A disheveled Randolph paces on a deserted dock. The Brooklyn Bridge looms in the b.g. A car pulls up in the b.g. Stokes gets out. Randolph moves under an awning. RANDOLPH I was starting to think that maybe you weren't coming. STOKES I agreed to meet you, didn't I? I had a dinner engagement. Randolph takes a swig from a flask. RANDOLPH Really? You know, I used to have dinner engagements. Sometimes four, five a night. Dinner... drinks... I was the toast of the fucking town. STOKES Don't start, Randolph. Please. (CONTINUED) 15. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (voice rising) Cars, boats, whores and horses, I had 'em all. When I walked into a restaurant, ten guys reached for my hat. When I stood up to take a piss, they cleared the rest room. I'd walk down the street and traffic stopped, mouths gaped. You know why? You know why, Frank? (now shouting) I was Rainbow fucking Randolph! That's why! STOKES Are you through? RANDOLPH What? You're in a hurry? You don't have time for me? The guy who earned for you? The guy who put those fucking suits on your back and the pheasant au vin in your Brooklyn mouth? STOKES I think it's fair to say we helped each other. Randolph suddenly breaks down. RANDOLPH (pleading) You gotta fix it, Frank. You gotta get me my slot back. He now clings to Stokes' lapels. RANDOLPH How can I sit around while that rhinoceros... that horned carpetbagger gets a free ride on my dime? You and I have history, Frank! Please! Stokes pries Randolph's hands from his overcoat. STOKES There's nothing I can do for you. Nothing. You're a pariah. I can't even be seen with you. (CONTINUED) 16. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Don't do this to me, Frank. I'm in deep, deep shit. They kicked me out of the corporate penthouse... I got bookies breathing down my neck. I'm homeless! Don't you hear what I'm saying? I'm not gonna make it! The clock's ticking! Put yourself in my shoes, for Christ's sake! STOKES The ugly truth is, your shoes have become my shoes. As long as the rhino's on the air, everything's by the book. No skim, no percentage. Nothing. The network wanted squeaky clean and they got it. And believe me, Mopes is sparkling. He looks Randolph squarely in the eye. STOKES You're totally broke? You don't have a dime left to your name? RANDOLPH Yes! Exactly! That's what I'm trying to tell you! Randolph looks at him hopefully as Stokes straightens his tie. STOKE Don't contact me again, Randy. Ever. Stokes walks off. Randolph watches him disappear through the mist. RANDOLPH You'll get yours, Frank! The rhino too! Do you hear me?! The wheels are turning! Stokes is gone. Randolph takes a swig from his flask and wipes his chin with his sleeve. He stares out at the river. RANDOLPH (quietly to himself) Sooner or later, even a guy who's squeaky clean falls into mud. THUNDER CLAP. 17. EXT. DOCK - HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT of the docks as Randolph stands alone before the river. FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT. NORA BISHOP'S OFFICE - CLOSE ON LITTLE MECHANICAL SMOOCHY THE RHINO - DAY as it erratically limps forward before DROPPING OUT OF FRAME. WIDER The wind-up Smoochy lays upside-down on the carpet next to Nora's desk, legs grinding lamely in the air. Various Smoochy items are spread out on her desk top. A restless-looking Sheldon and a few members of Nora's staff are in on the meeting. NORA Again, these are just prototypes. I've been assured by FunZone that all the bugs will be worked out before Christmas. Sheldon raises his hand. Nora ignores him and looks at her watch. NORA Okay, so let's recap before we break up... (refers to notes) Yes to the Smoochy ice pops. No to the Smoochy string cheese. And we're in a dick-measuring contest with Brown & Brown over the shampoo split. Sheldon suddenly stands up. SHELDON Okay, time out, people! If I may interject, I think we're putting the cart before the horse here... Nora throws him an icy look. (CONTINUED) 18. CONTINUED: SHELDON Smoochy's still earning the trust of the kids. We don't want to compromise that by asking them to buy shampoo and cheese. How 'bout we just concentrate on doing the best show possible. Huh? Without all the bells and whistles and rickata-rackita. What do you say, guys? Nora casually picks up a Smoochy Frisbee from her desk and sails it toward the open door. It lands in the hallway. NORA (monotone) Oh, damn. SHELDON No problem, I'll get it. He walks out to the hallway. NORA (to staffer) Shut the door please, John. John shuts the door. NORA Now lock it. He locks it. NORA Thank you. EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - NIGHT Nora emerges from the revolving door of the Kidnet building which is located in the heart of Times Square and heads down Broadway. Sheldon emerges from the building. SHELDON Hey, Nora, wait up. She keeps walking. Sheldon catches up and walks alongside her, occasionally getting jostled by passersby. (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: SHELDON Good meeting today. I thought we tackled some hot issues. Although, I'll be honest, there were a few times that I felt my voice wasn't being heard. NORA I think that's a conservative estimate. SHELDON I just want the show to have some weight, you know? Some substance. Silly songs, sure -- but with a message. Pop quiz: How many original compositions are in the Smoochy songbook? NORA Do you sense my complete lack of interest? SHELDON Try two thousand. Covering every topic from how yummy vegetables are to the importance of donating plasma. Don't you get it, Nora? I'm a valuable resource. Use me. Nora stops. She looks Sheldon in the eye for the first time. NORA Can I make this real easy for you? SHELDON Sure. NORA The only reason you're on TV right now is because Rainbow Randolph is a degenerate scumbag. I didn't discover you, I delivered you. Like a bag of groceries. I have a bigger emotional investment in my nail polish. So don't peddle your sap to me, rhino. Your job is just to smile and nod your head. She walks off. 20. INT. PATSY'S - NIGHT Sheldon sits at the bar in the restaurant, nursing a drink and talking to the BARTENDER. He seems slightly drunk. SHELDON ... No, no, you misunderstand me. It's not that I'm literally comparing Captain Kangaroo to Jesus Christ. I'm just saying that the Captain, like Christ, was someone you could believe in. Those guys didn't care about bells and whistles and rickita-rackata. It was all about the work. Especially Jesus. Forget about it. The Bartender nods and starts to pour Sheldon another drink. SHELDON (waving him off) That's okay, my good man. Three's my limit. BARTENDER I never saw anyone get loaded on orange juice before. SHELDON Back in my college days I could put away a carton of the stuff. A sharply-dressed man, BURKE BENNETT, sits down next to Sheldon. BURKE (to Bartender) Gimme a Five Crown. The Bartender nods. He looks over at Sheldon. BURKE Smoochy the Rhino. Wow. I'm a big fan. SHELDON (flattered) Gee, thanks. I usually don't get recognized without my horn. Burke extends his hand. BURKE Burke Bennett. I represent kid show talent. 21. INT. PATSY'S - SHORT WHILE LATER Sheldon and Burke now sit at a corner table. BURKE Look, Shel, Frank Strokes ain't in the business to make you rich. He's in it to make Frank Stokes rich. That's how these network goons operate. SHELDON That's so sad. Is it just me, or is that sad? BURKE You know, years ago, a client of mine, Dicky Gimble, was having a problem... SHELDON Wow, you represented Dicky Gimble? BURKE Yeah, before the asshole found religion. Anyway, Stokes was trying to screw my boy out of some merchandising points. Claimed he had a warehouse full of Dicky dolls that weren't moving. Now Frank and I are old friends, so I say to him, 'Okay, cock, show me the warehouse' -- see, I know the fucking warehouse is in the Bronx, and I know it's emptier than my wife's head. (chuckles) To make a long story short, I walk out with a check for a hundred grand and Stokes is sitting there with his thumb up his ass. Burke laughs. SHELDON That's very amusing, but I don't care about Smoochy dolls and Smoochy floor wax... I just want more creative input. This rhino came from my womb. I bore him, I nursed him, and dammit... He pounds his fist on the table. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: SHELDON I should be the one who raises him! BURKE Shel, it's all about the dough. After you get the money, you get the power. And after you get the power, you can have Smoochy walk on stage with a hard-on if you want. SHELDON It's funny, that never crossed my mind. Burke downs the rest of his drink and stands up. BURKE Unfortunately, until then... you're just another puppet in the prop room. He hands Sheldon his card. BURKE Give me a call when you're ready, kid. I'll cut the strings and open the magic door for you. EXT. PATSY'S - CONTINUOUS ACTION Randolph peers through the restaurant's front window. He shivers from the cold as he watches Sheldon and Burke shake hands. Burke heads for the exit. Randolph quickly ducks into the shadows. A moment later, Burke exits the club and walks down the street. Randolph pops out. RANDOLPH I saw you! I saw you in there... at my table... talking to him. BURKE Yeah, so what do you want? A parade? RANDOLPH You're my agent! Or did you forget that? (CONTINUED) 23. CONTINUED: BURKE Not anymore, pal. You're a cigarette butt. Go lay in the gutter. Burke walks off. EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT In the litter-strewn alley, we PAN ACROSS several grocery bags, broken egg shells, flour bags, butter wrappers, mixing bowls and other baking ingredients. The PAN ENDS ON Randolph, who stands over a barrel fire, holding a spatula. A cookie sheet rests on the barrel. Randolph removes the cookie sheet and gazes at it gleefully. We now see that the cookies are phallic-shaped. RANDOLPH Ah! They're beautiful! A perfect batch of cock cookies for a very special rhino. He sets the tray aside. RANDOLPH Oh yes, you're going to learn about shame, my dear Smoochy. And I'm your professor. He laughs. INT. KIDNET STUDIO - STAGE B - DAY It's thirty minutes before a Smoochy taping. Dozens of giddy children are led into the studio where they take seats on the bleachers. BACKSTAGE Sheldon, in the Smoochy costume, sans head, lumbers up to Nora. He holds a rundown for that day's show. SHELDON Excuse me, Nora. Why was the 'Please and Thank You Song' cut? NORA Because it's sappy and it takes away from the 'Cookie Song.' (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: SHELDON Takes away? It enhances it! The cookie song is a meaningless piece of fluff without the 'Please and Thank You' coda! That's the moral anchor! That's where the lesson is! You can't sell the sizzle without the steak! NORA It's cut. And I want the 'Cookie Song' lyrics changed back to the way they were originally scripted. SHELDON I can't do that. I will not condone children consuming endless amounts of refined sugar. I have to look myself in the mirror every morning. NORA This is network television, not a sprout farm. We're here to sell sugar and plastic. That's what keeps the lights on. SHELDON You're treating me like a puppet. You know that? Well, guess what? I am not your puppet. NORA Since when? Now get your spongy orange ass out there and dance for the cameras. An angry Sheldon storms off in frustration, but then stops. He looks back at her. SHELDON We have different eyes, Nora. When I go out there I see kids. You see wallets with pigtails. He moves on. Nora stares at him as he walks away. He obviously got to her. As Sheldon heads toward the studio, he doesn't notice the two beady eyes staring at him from under the stairwell. After a beat, Randolph emerges and slinks backstage. He's clutching a duffle bag. 25. INT. PROP ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Randolph sneaks into the prop room and shuts the door. He scurries over to the prop shelf and locates Smoochy's multicolored "magic cookie bag." He opens it and tosses the cookies into the trash can. Reaching into his pockets, he pulls out his special homemade cookies. He chuckles as he dumps them into the magic cookie bag. RANDOLPH Bon soir, la Smoochy. Welcome to fatty Arbuckle-land. He cackles to himself. He then notices a box in the corner of the room. Scribbled in magic marker on the side are the words: "Rainbow Randolph crap." He walks over and pulls the box out. He slowly opens the flaps. Inside is his old costume. He pulls it out and clutches it lovingly. He smells it. The ECHOEY SOUND of his THEME SONG comes flooding back to him for a moment, along with the sound of CHILDREN LAUGHING. RANDOLPH (softly to himself) Don't worry, little ones. Rainbow Randolph will return... (with rising anger) After these messages! He holds up Smoochy's magic cookie bag. He then stuffs his old costume into his duffle bag. INT. STUDIO B - LATER The "Smoochy Show" is in the middle of a taping. The Smoochyland Band is playing a fast, jazzy number ("Doin' the Jiggy Ziggy") as Smoochy, the Rhinettes, and several kids dance frenetically. The kids in the bleachers are in hysterics as Smoochy shakes his body spastically. The song finally ends. The kids in the bleachers jump to their feet, cheering and applauding. SMOOCHY Boy, all that jiggyin' and ziggyin' sure makes a fella hungry! Now if only I had my super duper, super secret, super special... The kids in the bleachers erupt in unison: KIDS Magic Cookie Bag! (CONTINUED) 26. CONTINUED: SMOOCHY Right-o-riffic! (looks skyward) Magic Cookie Bag, I command thee! Come to your lord and master! The lights dim as the Smoochyland Band plays the "2001 theme." Smoochy's Magic Cookie Bag is lowered from the ceiling by a filament wire. The kids go crazy. SMOOCHY (singing) 'Lookie, lookie, lookie, here comes the cookies! Fresh and organic, no need to panic! Right from the soil, no tropical oils! Sweetened with juice, for an energy boost! Fiber galore, you'll be askin' for more...' ANGLE ON NORA She looks pissed, but then looks over at the kids in the bleachers. Their faces are filled with laughter. For the first time she feels the connection Smoochy has with them. ANGLE ON RANDOLPH He peers out from his hiding place backstage. His eyes widen with delight as the Magic Cookie Bag continues its descent. ANGLE ON SMOOCHY The cookie bag finally reaches Smoochy. He holds the bag high above his head in a religious ceremonial fashion as the Rhinettes and the kids crowd around him. SMOOCHY Oooh... just the smell of unprocessed flour makes my tummy do somersaults! ANGLE ON RANDOLPH RANDOLPH (under his breath) Whatever that means, you fucking retard. (CONTINUED) 27. CONTINUED: SMOOCHY His puffy orange hand reaches for the bag's clasp as the MUSIC reaches its CRESCENDO. RANDOLPH He's practically shaking as he suppresses an insane laugh. RANDOLPH Give 'em a cookie... give 'em a cookie... SMOOCHY He reaches into the bag, and with a grand flourish, pulls out a flaming red penis cookie. The cookie is somewhat misshapen and not perfectly formed. Smoochy gets a big grin. SMOOCHY Wow! Look at this cookie, kids! A rocket ship! The kids "ooh" and "ahh." ANGLE ON RANDOLPH He looks confused. SHELDON What a special day with such special cookies! BACK ON SMOOCHY Smoochy pretends to "zoom" the penis cookie through the air. SHELDON Rrrrrrrr! Look at me, kids! I'm flying to the moon! I'm flying to Mars! I'm flying to -- Randolph, whose face is now bright red, can't take it anymore. He runs onto the stage. He grabs the rocket cookie from Smoochy. (CONTINUED) 28. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Are you fucking blind?! It's a cock! Not a space ship! Cock! Cock! INT. STAIRWELL - MOMENTS LATER Three burly Kidnet security guards drag Randolph down the stairwell. They beat the shit out of him and toss him through the exit door. INT. FRANK STOKES' OFFICE - TIGHT ON NEW YORK POST FRONT PAGE - DAY The headline reads: "Rainbow Randolph Interrupts Smoochy Taping." The subhead reads: "Runs Onstage Shouting Penis Related Obscenities." WIDE Burke sits on the couch next to Sheldon, reading the paper. He shakes his head in disgust. Nora sits in a chair near Stokes. SHELDON Thank you all for coming. I just wanted to iron out a few wrinkles I feel we're having in the communication department. No finger-pointing. Lord knows when you start pointing fingers, someone gets poked in the eye. Sheldon laughs. Stokes and Nora sit stone-faced. SHELDON Anyhoo, I'd like to turn the floor over to my new agent, Mr. Burke Bennett. So... heeeeeere's Burke! Sheldon applauds. Burke stands. BURKE As you can imagine, my client has many concerns, not the least of which is studio security, but we can address that later. He pats Sheldon's head like a dog. (CONTINUED) 29. CONTINUED: BURKE See this guy, Frank? Take a good long look, 'cause this prick saved your life. Without him you'd be sitting in Kaplan's right now, sucking club soda through a paper straw. (to Nora) And, you -- you'd be organizing puppet shows for the brats at P.S. 86. Excuse me, honey. NORA There's no excuse for you. SHELDON Man, I love club soda. Sheldon laughs, trying to lighten the mood. Burke gives him an affectionate slap. STOKES We've always managed to come to some sort of arrangement, Burke. Why the fireworks? BURKE 'Cause I'm holding all the gunpowder. I represent the man who created, owns, and controls every square inch of Smoochy the Rhino. Burke pours himself a drink from Stokes' private bar. BURKE God created Adam and what did he get? A fucking dud. My guy? He breathed life into a winner. And anyone who does a better job than God is gonna have a price. SHELDON Burke, of course, is in no way comparing me to God. BURKE Yes I am. (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: NORA You seem to forget that we went out and found 'your guy.' Dug up his corpse. Handed him his own show when he couldn't sell his face to a photo booth. SHELDON To be fair, Nora, I was booked to open a car wash in Montauk. BURKE Oh, so you were doing him a favor? (chuckles) Allow me to untangle this web of shit! I don't care what his resume was, I don't care where you found him, I don't care if his last job was juggling apples for a hut full of Pygmies on the outskirts of the Congo... the fact is, he fits a bill and you need him. Like a hungry baby needs a big tit. And that, my friends, is why you're in a box with no ventilation. And that is why the rhino is going to get what he deserves. STOKES What is that, exactly? Burke walks over to Stokes' desk and leans across it. He's an inch from Stokes' face. BURKE Heaven, hell, and everything in between. INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT - CLOSE ON CHAMPAGNE CORK - EVENING being popped as foamy champagne runs down the bottle. WIDE Sheldon and Burke sit at a table in the nightclub. Burke raises his glass. (CONTINUED) 31. CONTINUED: BURKE To the star and new executive producer of the Smoochy show! May your reign be a long and healthy one! They clink glasses. SHELDON I'm still in shock. Complete creative control, part ownership of the show, discretion over merchandising and a dressing room with a toilet! Am I dreaming or what? BURKE And don't forget the corporate penthouse. It took me six years to get that for Randolph. SHELDON Boy, imagine... me, living in a penthouse. Who'd a thunk it. BURKE It's called the high life, kid. Get used to it. Pretty soon you'll be burnin' one hundred dollar bills just to see Franklin break a sweat. SHELDON Jeez, I hope not. I have a deep respect for money. Not to mention Ben Franklin who had some remarkable achievements in his lifetime. Burke pulls out a paper bag and hands it to Sheldon. SHELDON What's this? BURKE That's your graduation present. Something you're gonna need now. Sheldon reaches in the bag and pulls out a revolver. He recoils in horror and immediately drops it back in the bag. (CONTINUED) 32. CONTINUED: BURKE Think of it as a tool of the trade. SHELDON I've never owned a gun, I've never touched a gun, and I don't believe in guns. When I played cowboys and Indians as a kid, I was always the Chinese railroad worker. BURKE Trust me, Shel. It's a handy accessory in this business. Even if you don't load it, have it for show. Sometimes that's all you need. Especially with a creep like Randolph lurking around. Burke and Sheldon look up and notice the hulking, grinning figure of SPINNER DUNN standing over them. Spinner has the smile of a little boy despite his crooked nose and scarred face. He extends his hand. SPINNER Hiya, Smoochy! I'm Spinner! Spinner! SHELDON Hi there. SPINNER I'm so excited to meet you! I'm Spinner! Spinner's massive hand engulfs Sheldon's. SHELDON (remembers) Oh... right. I saw you fight on TV once. I think it was your farewell bout. SWISH PAN TO: FLASHBACK - INT. BOXING RING(S) - SOMETIME IN THE PAST Through a SERIES OF CUTS we see Spinner getting pummeled in various fights. (CONTINUED) 33. CONTINUED: RINGSIDE COMMENTATOR #1 Tonight marks Spinner Dunn's final appearance in the ring. What a pleasure it's been to watch him proudly march into the record books for taking more blows to the head than any fighter in history. A bloodied, defeated Spinner happily holds up the arm of his opponent after a match. He then hugs the referee. He jumps down from the ring and hugs the three judges. RINGSIDE COMMENTATOR #2 Scrambled a bit? Sure. You don't retire with a record of 81-59 and wind up the Governor. But on the upside, he's got the disposition of a collie. Spinner wades into the stands and starts hugging the spectators. SWISH PAN TO: INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT (PRESENT) Spinner is still pumping Sheldon's hand. SPINNER You know what I love, Smoochy? I love when you do the Jiggy Ziggy dance! You know, the one you do during 'Silly Time?' SHELDON You bet. That's a big one. SPINNER Wanna see me do it? SHELDON Well, I don't know why if there's enough room here to... Spinner starts Jiggying and Ziggying for Sheldon. He bangs into a table and knocks over someone's drink. BURKE Okay, champ, don't get overheated. Spinner stops, out of breath. He leans over and hugs Sheldon. (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: SPINNER I love you. SHELDON I... uh... love you, too, Spinner. A powerful-looking woman, TOMMY COTTER, calls to Spinner from the bar. TOMMY Spinner, come over and meet the Senator! Spinner dutifully hurries over to Tommy. SHELDON He seems pretty popular. It must take real talent to run a place like this. BURKE Spinner? The guy couldn't run a water faucet. He's just a mascot. It's his cousins, a bunch of Irish mob boys, who really run the joint. ANGLE ON SPINNER He shakes the Senator's hand as Tommy and a few other tough Irish guys stand around. Spinner looks over towards Sheldon. SPINNER (loudly) Don't go anywhere, Smoochy! I'll be right back after I take a dump! Spinner releases the Senator's hand and rushes off. BURKE I think you made a new friend, kid. 35. INT. ANGELO PIKE'S RUNDOWN APARTMENT (LOWER EAST SIDE) - NIGHT We met him backstage with Smoochy... innocent face... Angelo stirs a pot of soup in the worn-down but tidy apartment. A "Rhinette" costume is draped over one of the chairs. There is a sudden LOUD POUNDING on the door. Angelo puts the spoon down and reaches behind some spices on the shelf above. He pulls out a revolver. The POUNDING continues. ANGELO Yeah, who is it? RANDOLPH (O.S.) (friendly) Open up, buddy! It's me, Randolph! It's been a long time! Angelo puts the gun in his waistband and walks to the door. He slowly slides the chain off and opens the door a crack. Peering in at him are the bloodshot eyes of Rainbow Randolph. ANGELO Randy? Randolph suddenly kicks the door open and tackles Angelo. Randolph sits on top of the little man. RANDOLPH You fucking traitor! My body's barely cold and already you work for the rhino? ANGELO I don't know what you're talking about. RANDOLPH Don't lie to me! I heard all about it! You strapped that horn on faster than a cheerleader gets the clap! ANGELO I gotta eat, don't I? RANDOLPH You're a Krinkle Kid! Not a Smooch-bag! Say it! ANGELO Rhinette! (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Say it: I am a Krinkle Kid! Say it, before God! On the soul of Jesus Christ! Say what you are! Angelo punches Randolph in the mouth and flips him over. He now sits on Randolph, pointing the revolver to his face. ANGELO I'm a Rhinette. Got that? The Krinkle Kids are ten feet under. With you. Randolph starts crying like a child. RANDOLPH (blubbering) I missed you so much. Can I stay here? I got no place to go. Angelo sighs and puts the gun away. INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - SHORT WHILE LATER Angelo and Randolph sit at the small kitchen table. Angelo watches as Randolph ravenously eats a bowl of soup. RANDOLPH ... They kicked me out of the corporate penthouse. Big surprise. Sons-a-bitches. That's how I got this beauty. He points to a nasty bump near his eye. RANDOLPH And of course, there's this... He yanks his lip back to reveal a missing tooth. RANDOLPH That happened after my little visit to the studio the other day. Network security. Fucking savages. He slurps another spoonful of soup and spits a bay leaf on the floor. (CONTINUED) 37. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH I got liens, back taxes, lawyer's bills, threats against my life... I basically got the whole fucking world up my ass. It's okay, I got a loooong memory, son. (Amos and Andy dialect) What dey sow, dey gonna reap. He cackles insanely as he picks up a bottle of gin and takes a deep swig. He passes out and falls off the chair. Angelo leans down and lifts his head off the floor. ANGELO Stop doing this to yourself! Randolph doesn't respond. Angelo slaps his face. ANGELO Wise up! You hear me? Don't piss your life away like this. RANDOLPH (half-conscious) It's the rhino, Angie. He's been sent by the devil. Sent from hell to destroy me. Smoochy... is the face of evil. EXT. BROADWAY (TIMES SQUARE) - MORNING We are ON the smiling goofy face of Sheldon, whose picture graces the front page of Variety under the headline, "MOPES TO EXECUTIVE PRODUCE SMOOCHY SHOW." The subhead reads, "TENURE TO BEGIN TODAY." A dollar bill is slapped down over the picture. We WIDEN OUT to see Sheldon buying the magazine at the newsstand in front of the Kidnet Building. He turns and walks toward the Kidnet entrance. He stops and looks up at the building. Smiling, he takes a deep breath and enters. INT. KIDNET HALLWAY - FEW MOMENTS LATER Sheldon whistles as he walks down the hall, giving cheerful "hellos" and "good mornings" along the way. He enters Nora's office. 38. INT. NORA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Nora is on the phone. She pretends not to notice him. Sheldon bides his time by inspecting knickknacks, examining photos on the wall, etc. Finally, he half- whispers/half-mouths to her: SHELDON Whenever you get a chance... I just need a second. NORA (into the phone) Listen, can I call you back? Yeah, some asshole's screaming in my ear. Thanks. She hangs up. SHELDON I'm sorry, you didn't have to hang up. NORA If I didn't you'd still be here. SHELDON But I am still here. NORA I'm hoping to correct that. SHELDON Nora, I want us to start off on the right foot. I want you to know that I value your input and I don't want you to feel intimidated just because the power structure has changed a bit. I consider you a partner. NORA Great. That'll come in handy if we're ever at a square dance. SHELDON Well, I was never much of the do- se-do type, but what I would love to do is take you out to lunch one day. You know, just two colleagues chewing the fat... forming a mutual respect... planting the seeds of cooperation... (CONTINUED) 39. CONTINUED: NORA No. SHELDON Fair enough. If you change your mind -- NORA I won't. Sheldon just nods and starts to exit. SHELDON Okay then, I'll be in my office if you need me. If you want to brainstorm about anything. Ideas and so forth. He passes a plant by the door. SHELDON Ficus? She ignores him. He exits. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon walks slowly down the hallway. He no longer has a bounce in his step. INT. SHELDON'S NEW OFFICE - MOMENT LATER Sheldon enters his plush new office, awkwardly walks over to his new desk and sits behind it for the first time. SHELDON Wow... TOMMY (O.S.) My cousin Spinner's take quite a shine to you. Sheldon jumps. He's surprised to Tommy from Spinner Dunn's restaurant. Tommy's crew, ROY, DANNY, JIMMY and SAMMY occupy the sofa. TOMMY Ever since you came in the restaurant. He can't stop yakkin'. (CONTINUED) 40. CONTINUED: SHELDON Well, he's a very nice man. Very sweet disposition for someone that size. TOMMY So, I was wondering if maybe you could give him a little floor space. SHELDON I'm sorry? TOMMY You know, a little part on the show. You're the executive producer now. You call the shots, right? SHELDON Uh, that's a very sweet offer, and I love Spinner, but TV is a complicated medium and... I mean, that would be like me getting into the ring with a prizefighter. (laughs) Can you imagine such a thing? Boom. K.O.! What's the alphabet, Mommy? Sheldon laughs again. Tommy gets quiet. TOMMY This makes me sad. Very, very, sad. DANNY What's wrong, Tommy? TOMMY Nothing. I'm just very sad right now. SAMMY Who made you sad, Tommy? TOMMY I don't want to mention names. The guys look menacingly at Sheldon. They rise and walk around his desk until they're on either side of him. (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: SHELDON You know what? Maybe I can find Spinner a little something to do on the show. That's probably the best solution. Tommy now smiles and walks over to Sheldon. She musses Sheldon's hair. TOMMY You're a good boy, Mopes. Don't think we don't remember favors. SWISH PAN TO: INT. SHELDON'S OFFICE - SHORT WHILE LATER Sheldon is in a meeting with a man, SONNY GORDON. SHELDON Look, I appreciate the visit, but I'm just putting together a little petting zoo segment. Nothing fancy -- a few kittens... maybe a duck... ANGLE ON SONNY SUPERIMPOSE: SONNY GORDON, PRESIDENT, ANIMAL WRANGLERS' LOCAL 358 SONNY If you're looking to bring in that many pieces I gotta put a crew together. Plus, we're lookin' at transpo, a few leash handlers, a cleanup boy and a doper to keep the inventory quiet. SHELDON Jeez, this all sounds awfully elaborate. I might have to forgo the union and just borrow a few animals from a pet shop. SONNY I wouldn't recommend it. Miss Carol from Romper Room tried that once and she's still limping. SWISH PAN TO -- 42. INT. SHELDON'S OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER A frazzled-looking Sheldon is meeting with BEN FRANKS. BEN On behalf of FunZone Toys, I'd like to congratulate you on your recent promotion, and present you with a small gift. SUPERIMPOSE: BEN FRANKS, V.P., FUNZONE TOYS Ben reaches into his breast pocket and drops a large wad of money on Sheldon's desk that lands with a thud. SHELDON Uh... that's nice of you, Ben, but a card would have been fine. BEN FunZone Toys would very much like the Smoochy contract, Mr. Mopes. SHELDON Is this... I mean... are you offering me a bribe or something? BEN FunZone Toys would very much like the Smoochy contract, Mr. Mopes. Sheldon picks up the money and tosses it back to Ben. Sheldon rises from his desk. SHELDON Normally, sir, we take the trash out at the end of the day, but I think I'll make an exception in your case. Sheldon escorts Ben out the door and slams it shut. The PHONE RINGS. Sheldon walks over and picks it up. SHELDON Yes? ASSISTANT (V.O.) A Mr. Feedlepepper on line two. SHELDON Who? ASSISTANT (V.O.) He says he's an old friend. Sheldon punches line two. (CONTINUED) 43. CONTINUED: SHELDON Hello? INTERCUT: INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - RANDOLPH RANDOLPH (V.O.) You better grow eyes on the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit! I won't sleep until the worms are crawlin' up your foam rubber ass! I'm going on safari, motherfucker... safari! Sheldon hangs up stunned. Nora walks in holding the daily news. NORA Congratulations on your little ice show. SHELDON What are you talking about? NORA It didn't take you long to sell out, did it? She tosses the paper on his desk. NORA What happened to your precious integrity? Or was that just part of your dog and pony act. She exits. A confused Sheldon looks at the "Around Town" column. INSERT - HEADLINE "GARDEN TO HOST SMOOCHY ON ICE." The subhead reads: "HUGE GATE EXPECTED -- VENDORS SALIVATE AT SMELL OF BIG BUCKS." CUT TO: 44. INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - EVENING We are TIGHT ON the feet of an Irish dancer doing a sort of Riverdance. We WIDEN OUT and the rest of the dancers come INTO FRAME. Spinner and the mob ar clapping and whooping. Sheldon and Burke sit at a table in the dark club having a conversation. SHELDON Burke, I never agreed to do an ice show. BURKE Shel, do you know what kind of cash we'll take in between the gate and concessions? A venture like this gets you money and muscle. Times twenty. SHELDON Ice shows represent everything I'm against. They're mindless spectacles whose main purpose is to sell overpriced sugar-water and cheap plastic toys that splinter in a kid's mouth on the ride home. BURKE Look, I know you got this fetish for ethics, but now's not the time to fly that kite. No one's ever refused a shot at an ice show. Sheldon tears the contract in half. SHELDON Until now. Smoochy doesn't sell out, Burke. You should be proud of that. Proud that you represent a client who paves driveways, not paints them over. BURKE I'm thrilled, Shel. Knocked out. Burke just sits there, stunned. A waitress, SANDY, passes by the booth. SHELDON I'll have a pineapple juice, Sandy. (CONTINUED) 45. CONTINUED: SANDY Pineapple? What happened to orange juice? SHELDON I'm feeling feisty tonight. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY We are now on a drum solo. Ernie the Elephant of the Smoochyland Band works it. The animal band plays a sloppy version of "Pop Goes the Weasel." End on Spinner Dunn -- the newest and by far largest member of the band. Spinner holds s cowbell and seems to be concentrating intently on the proper moment to hit it. Unfortunately, his rhythm is off, which throws the rest of the band off as well. We WIDEN OUT to see Smoochy and the Rhinettes attempting to dance to the off-kilter rhythm. The song finally ends. The Rhinettes glare at Spinner. Smoochy addresses the camera. SMOOCHY Boy, wasn't that fun? In an awkward kind of way? Anyhoo, how 'bout a big round of applause for the newest member of the Smoochyland Band... former heavyweight contender, Spinner Dunn! Spinner stands up to take a bow and almost knocks the entire bandstand over. There is a smattering of confused applause from the kids in the bleachers. Spinner drops the cowbell and it clangs on the studio floor. SPINNER Shit. Sorry. INT. BACKSTAGE - AFTER SHOW A beaming Spinner runs up to Sheldon, who's still in costume. SPINNER Did I do good, Sheldon, huh? Did I do good? (CONTINUED) 46. CONTINUED: SHELDON Yeah, that was great, Spinner. Just watch your elbow next time. Pinky's probably gonna lose that tooth. SPINNER Okey doke. I'm gonna go get drunk now. Spinner skips off humming "Pop Goes the Weasel" and banging his cowbell. Nora passes Sheldon backstage. NORA Nice job. Casting the show with mental patients, I like that. SHELDON (snapping) He is not a mental patient. He's an ex-boxer and nightclub owner who happens to have the sweet innocent brian of a five-year-old! NORA Excuse me for not making the distinction. She leaves. EXT. BROADWAY (TIMES SQUARE) - NIGHT Sheldon exits the Kidnet building and walks to the curb to hail a cab. A friendly-looking man in a suit and bow tie approaches him. This is MERV GREEN. MERV Hi there. SHELDON Hi. A limo pulls up in front of them. Merv opens the back door. MERV Get in. SHELDON Thanks anyway, but I'm going uptown. (CONTINUED) 47. CONTINUED: Merv pulls his jacket back to reveal a revolver tucked in his waistband. MERV Humor me, rhino. INT. LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon slides into the back seat of the limo. A big thug in an overcoat, HENRY, is already sitting there. Merv gets in behind him and shuts the door. Sheldon is now wedged between the two men as the limo heads down Broadway. Merv extends his hand. MERV Merv Green, Sheldon. It's a pleasure to meet you. SHELDON If you're hoping for an autograph, the gun's a bit much. The whole 'catch more flies with honey' thing -- it really holds water. Sheldon laughs nervously. MERV Sheldon, I represent the Parade of Hope Foundation. Maybe you've heard of us. SHELDON You raise money to build children's hospitals, right? MERV We've been known to add a brick or two, sure. Merv and the thug laugh. MERV Sheldon, let me get right to the point -- there's talk on the street that you're pulling out of the ice show. Is that true? (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: SHELDON (big sigh) You know, I never agreed to an ice show, nor would I ever agree to do an ice show, and let me add that none of this is your concern, sir. (shakes his head) Sheesh. MERV Listen carefully, son: Parade of Hope has sponsored every Kidnet ice show since 1964. We take a piece off the top and everybody walks away happy. So let's not buck history. SHELDON Well, I appreciate the offer, but for the gazillionth time, I'm not doing an ice show, so we have nothing to discuss. Now, if you'll just pull over, I'll get out and we'll say our toodley-dos. (to driver) Far corner, please. MERV Allow me to be less murky. Starting tomorrow, Smoochy the Rhino raises his baton for Parade of Hope. Benefits, banquets, fund-raisers, I want it all. (to driver) Pull over, Terry. The car pulls to the curb. MERV And as far as the ice show goes... I recommend you start shopping for skates. The door pops open and Sheldon is tossed out. 49. INT. CORPORATE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT A troubled-looking Sheldon stands on his balcony looking out at the city. He drinks orange juice straight from the carton. Sheldon is on the phone with Burke. SHELDON This is unacceptable, Burke! I'm calling the authorities. BURKE (V.O.) Don't do it, Shel. You rat on Parade of Hope and you'll be lucky if they find your toenails. These guys are the roughest of all the charities. SHELDON I was threatened by an organization that's supposed to help children! What kind of world is this? BURKE (V.O.) The real one. My advice? Consider the ice show and stay healthy. Burke hangs up. After a beat, Sheldon's DOORBELL RINGS. He walks over to the door and opens it. To his surprise, Nora is standing there. NORA May I come in? SHELDON Sure. Nora enters. She seems a little wobbly. Sheldon notices she's holding a pint of whiskey. SHELDON Uh... are you okay? NORA I'm getting drunk and I'm not used to it. SHELDON Oh. Well, not to make you feel worse, but with alcohol you're also consuming empty calories. Nora looks at him for a moment. (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: NORA It's just that... I want to apologize, actually. And on those rare occasions when I feel the need to apologize for something, it helps if I'm, you know... shit- faced. SHELDON Wow. I'm honored. Nora trips slightly. Sheldon takes the whiskey from her. SHELDON Why don't we get some air? He leads her out on the balcony. They look out at the city. NORA I... I may have been a little harsh when we spoke the other day. A little out of line. SHELDON Well, it wasn't as bad as the week before when you called me a pasty- faced, no-talent hack. NORA Yes, that was probably insensitive as well. (looks at him) I heard you're not doing the ice show. I find that... incredibly admirable. Why didn't you tell me? SHELDON I guess I didn't want to spoil your fun. You look so content when you're berating me. Nora looks down. NORA I'm afraid I have become a bit hardened over the years. Sincerity's an easy disguise in this business. It's hard to know who's on the level. (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: SHELDON Believe me, I'm learning that more and more every day. (wistfully) 'Sometimes light is really dark, Sometimes crows can sing like larks Sometimes Winter feels like Spring, Don't think you know everything.' NORA (in disbelief) 'Rickets the Hippo'? SHELDON You remember Rickets? NORA That was my favorite show when I was a kid. Rickets was the one face I knew I could trust. SHELDON That's how I felt! Rickets had real depth. He was my inspiration for Smoochy. NORA Really? He was my inspiration to work in children's television. SHELDON I can't believe it. I never met anyone who even remembers Rickets. Do you remember the Klunky-Wunky dance? NORA Remember it? I did it at my first communion. Sheldon starts doing the rather insane-looking Klunky- Wunky dance. Nora does it with him. They both stop and look at each other. Sheldon impulsively leans in and kisses her. SHELDON I'm sorry. That was a mistake, right? I didn't mean for that to hap-- Nora grabs his head and pulls it toward her. They begin kissing passionately. (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: NORA (as they kiss) You're not full of shit like all the others, are you? SHELDON No, no. NORA (as they kiss) You're for real, right? SHELDON Yes, yes. NORA (through the kisses) I mean, I couldn't tell... First I thought it was an act... and then I just thought you were a simp or something... SHELDON Shhh... you don't have to explain... They continue to kiss. Nora abruptly stops. NORA I should go. SHELDON Why? Nora exits the balcony and collects her coat and purse. SHELDON What's wrong? Is it the whiskey? If you have to throw up, be my guest. Anywhere you like. NORA It's just getting late. Sheldon follows her to the door. She stops and looks at him for a moment. The PHONE starts to RING. Neither of them says anything for a beat. NORA Better get that. Good night. She exits. Sheldon shuts the door and sighs. He goes to the bar to pour himself another orange juice before picking up the phone. (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: SHELDON Hello? ANGELO'S APARTMENT We GO TO a HORIZONTAL SPLIT-SCREEN. Randolph is on the BOTTOM HALF. He lies on his bed in Angelo's apartment wearing a bathrobe with a towel wrapped around his head. His head dangles off the bed as he talks on the phone. The SHOT is reminiscent of Bye Bye Birdie. RANDOLPH Hello, Mr. Mopes? My name is Benjamin Kunklepeck and I'm calling on behalf of 'Parents for Decency in Children's Television,' perhaps you've heard of us? SHELDON No, but I like where you're coming from. It's an issue very close to my heart. Why just yesterday I was commenting -- RANDOLPH Sir, we're having a banquet tomorrow and we'd be honored to have you perform for us. We would also like to present you with a plaque for your ongoing commitment to children's television. The presenter will be a young orphan with mild asthma. Can you attend? EXT. VERRAZANO NARROWS BRIDGE - NEXT MORNING A black Lincoln Town Car travels across the bridge toward Staten Island. SHELDON (V.O.) Thanks for picking me up, Mr. Kunklepeck. It's very nice of you. INT. TOWN CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon is in the back seat. The Smoochy costume is next to him. Behind the wheel is Randolph. He's in disguise. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Don't be silly. The chance to have Smoochy the Rhino perform at our little soiree? I'd carry you piggy-back through a bed of hot rusty glass if I had to. SHELDON Well, it's always a pleasure to help out a worthy cause. And believe me, I've learned lately that it's not all sunshine and daffodils in the land of non- profit. RANDOLPH I just looove your show, by the way. It's such a refreshing change of pace from that dreadful embezzler... what's his name again? Rainbow something or other? SHELDON Randolph. RANDOLPH Yes. Rainbow Randolph. What a scoundrel! He's probably gay too. SHELDON Oh, I don't know. I feel sorry for him, actually. He obviously has problems or issues that he needs to sort out. RANDOLPH (getting frustrated) Yeah, yeah, yeah, but don't you take particular glee in that you basically stole his time slot? Helped shovel dirt onto his miserable corpse, as it were? SHELDON No, I would never take pleasure in someone's downfall. You know the old expression about walking a mile in another man's shoes? Well, that really holds water. Just try to imagine -- (CONTINUED) 55. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (snapping) Come on, he's a fucking asshole! You hate him! Admit it! SHELDON (uncomfortable) Uh... can we listen to the radio? EXT. WAREHOUSE - SHORT WHILE LATER The Town Car is parked behind an old warehouse in the middle of nowhere. Sheldon is now in costume. Randolph rushes out of the door, very excited. RANDOLPH Okay, they're ready for you! SHELDON I gotta say, this is a first -- I never performed in a tractor parts warehouse before. RANDOLPH Well, we like to do these things no-frills. It's all about the kids. SHELDON Amen to that. Randolph opens the door a crack and listens. We hear an O.S. VOICE from inside. VOICE (O.S.) It gives me great pleasure to introduce our very special guest... a supporter of the cause and a friend to the brotherhood. Please welcome, the one, the only... Smoochy the Rhino! We hear APPLAUSE. Randolph quickly opens the rusty door. RANDOLPH Knock 'em dead, kid! He shoves Sheldon inside. INT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon runs in and immediately starts singing and dancing on the makeshift stage. (CONTINUED) 56. CONTINUED: SMOOCHY 'Well, how-do-you-do, my good friends! How do-you-do, my pals! It's so nice to see good friends! Sing along with me now! How do you do, my good -- ' Sheldon abruptly stops singing as a look of shock comes over him. PUSH IN ON his troubled face. OMITTED INT. WAREHOUSE - SHELDON'S POV Several hundred men in Nazi uniforms in a warehouse draped in swastikas. They all start chanting: NAZIS Heil Smoochy! Heil Smoochy! Heil Smoochy! A huge swastika banner unfurls behind Smoochy, framing him like Patton in front of the American flag. Flashbulbs go off. The "Heil Smoochys" continue. A GERMAN MARCH starts to BLARE from the SPEAKERS. Looking stunned, Sheldon slowly leans into the mic. He clears his throat. The MUSIC STOPS. Everyone quiets down. He searches for just the right words, and finally... SHELDON It's my sincere hope that I'm dreaming right now, but in the event that I'm not... what's the deal with the swastikas? Suddenly, a sea of policemen bursts into the warehouse. LEAD COP This is an unlawful assembly, you kraut sons-a-bitches! You're all under arrest! Pandemonium ensues us all the Nazis run for cover. Sheldon stands in the middle of it all, unsure what to do. EXT. WAREHOUSE - SHORT WHILE LATER Sheldon is led from the warehouse in handcuffs and is barraged with questions from waiting REPORTERS. Flashbulbs go off as they shout out questions. (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: REPORTER #1 Are you officially a member of the Aryan Brotherhood, Sheldon? REPORTER #2 Is it true you consider Adolph Hitler your personal hero? REPORTER #3 Do you think associating with neo- Nazis might adversely affect your career? REPORTER #4 How does it feel to be a hate- filled racist scumbag? SHELDON This is a mix-up! I'm innocent! I don't hate anyone! REPORTER #4 Does that mean you don't hate Nazis? SHELDON Wait! I didn't say that! I -- Sheldon is shoved into the back seat of a squad car. It drives off, SIRENS BLARING. MONTAGE EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT The squad car drives through Times Square. The headlines on the zipper marquee GLIDE THROUGH the FRAME: "Smoochy the Rhino Arrested at Nazi Rally... Cops Raid Warehouse During Rhino's Performance... Aryan Brotherhood Declares Smoochy 'One of us.'... President Condemns 'Smoochy the Fascist'..." INT. SQUAD CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon stares out the window as the dark city passes by. We SLOWLY MOVE IN ON his eyes as we... DISSOLVE TO: 58. FLASHBACK - STUDIO C - SOMETIME IN PAST In SLOW MOTION, Smoochy dances in the studio while holding a delighted little girl in his arms. POLICE PRECINCT Sheldon is fingerprinted and photographed. AFRICAN JUNGLE STOCK FOOTAGE of a wild rhinoceros being shot by hunters. STUDIO C Smoochy's Magic Jungle is dismantled. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY - PAST A young Sheldon helps his grandfather spread black paint on a driveway. TIMES SQUARE - DAY (PRESENT) The Smoochy billboard is torn down. BLACK LIMBO The Smoochy costume is in flames. It slowly burns to ashes. EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY The Kidnet CEO stands before a cluster of reporters and network cameras. We can see the Times Square zipper marquee THROUGH the glass doors behind him. Headlines read: "Congressional Committee Probes Nazi Ties to Kid Biz"... "Smoochy Photos Removed From City Elementary Schools"... "Jewish Groups Plan 'Day of Outrage'"... "Rhino in Bronx Zoo Pelted With Eggs"... CEO Here at Kidnet, Smoochy the Rhino is now Smoochy the Ghost. We have excised that particular malignancy from our network and will seek out a suitable replacement. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: CEO (CONT'D) Until then, the Smoochy slot will be safely occupied by Popeye cartoons. Thank you. The reporters furiously scribble down his statement. END OF MONTAGE. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Randolph dances down the street like Gene Kelly. He whistles a happy tune and tips his hat to everyone who walks by. As he dances along, he pets a dog... RANDOLPH Hi there, poochy! Coos at a baby in a stroller... RANDOLPH Well, aren't you the cutest little boo-boo in the world! And grabs a rose from a flower vendor before handing it to an old lady... RANDOLPH For you, my dear! May you live to be a hundred! He continues to dance onward, waving back at everyone. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize he's heading straight for a light pole and slams into it with a sickening smack. RANDOLPH Fuck! EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - NIGHT Nora exits the revolving door of the Kidnet building and heads down Broadway. Sheldon pops out from a store front. He's wearing a knit cap and sunglasses to disguise himself. SHELDON I have to talk to you. Nora keeps walking. (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: NORA We have nothing to talk about. SHELDON Don't tell me you believe what they're saying! NORA I don't have to believe anyone. The picture in the paper said it all. No one forced you to perform at that rally. SHELDON Perform? I barely sang one song. NORA Well maybe next time you'll do a longer set. SHELDON Nora, I had no idea that was a Nazi function. None whatsoever! NORA Funny, you'd think the fifty-foot swastika you were standing in front of might've given you a hint. SHELDON The papers are blowing that out of proportion. It was nowhere near that big. Nora stops and looks Sheldon in the eye. NORA Look, the fact of the matter is, I don't know you, okay? Not really. So don't expect me to go out on an emotional limb here. Sheldon looks crushed. SHELDON But what about the balcony? What about the Klunky-Wunky dance? NORA I was drunk. Don't read too much into it. She looks at him for a moment and then walks off. 61. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAYS LATER A disheveled and unshaven Sheldon wanders the streets, looking dazed. He's stuffing a cupcake into his mouth and swigging from a bottle of root beer. He passes a construction site and notices some graffiti on a wall -- a crudely-drawn goose-stepping Smoochy in a Nazi uniform and Hitler moustache. Sheldon keeps walking. He descends the subway stairs at 42nd Street. EXT. CONEY ISLAND STATION - STREET LEVEL - LATER Sheldon comes up from the subway. We see the Cyclone from Astroland in the b.g. EXT. SIDE STREET (CONEY ISLAND) - FEW MINUTES LATER Sheldon stands in front of the methadone clinic he used to perform at. It's boarded up. He just stares at it. An OLD VAGRANT walks up to him. OLD VAGRANT If you're lookin' to get a cup of juice, the well's dried up, son. City shut her down. Bastards'll put a new pair of tits on the Statue of Liberty, but they won't help a poor hophead. The Vagrant shakes his head sadly. OLD VAGRANT Just once I wish I had a little clout. You know? I'd set things straight in this town, believe me. (sighs) Hell of a world. He walks off. SHELDON (to himself) Hell of a world. 62. INT. STOKES' OFFICE On a large screen TV the smiling Asian face of Takashi Yamashita, who's singing Cole Porter's "I Get a Kick Out of You" in Japanese. CUT BACK to reveal Takashi wearing a white sequined tuxedo with tails as he plays a white grand piano. He looks like an Asian Liberace. He is circled by a group of Japanese children who sing along with him. CHICK (V.O.) 'Takashi Sings Tin Pan Alley for Youngsters' is the hottest show on Japanese television. The sweat shops are working overtime trying to keep up with the demand. Record albums, toys, cereal, tee shirts, you name it... INT. STOKES' OFFICE - DAY Several tough-looking Asian men -- CHICK, SAMBO, and TOBI -- Takashi's management group -- sits in Stokes' office. Takashi sits quietly in the corner. Stokes sits behind his desk, sipping his trademark glass of wine. CHICK Look, Stokes, let's cut the bullshit. We want Takashi in that Smoochy slot and we're willing to do whatever it takes to get it. STOKES Pardon me for saying this, but for a non-resident of this country, you speak impeccable English. CHICK I'm originally from Teaneck. STOKES Ah. CHICK We own every hair on this bastard's head and we're willing to share a few strands... if you get my drift. STOKES Well, it's not that simple. I have an executive board to answer to. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make a deal but -- (CONTINUED) 63. CONTINUED: CHICK You mean like this? Chick snaps his fingers and Tobi, the third Asian guy, walks over and drops a duffel bag on Stokes' desk. STOKES Oh my. And what is this on my desk? CHICK Two hundred grand in a Louis Vuitton duffle bag. Get our boy the slot and we'll round it off to a million. And you can keep the luggage. Stokes stares down at the bundle of opportunity on his desk. CHICK You're dealing with an honorable culture, Frank. We know how to play ball. Stokes unzips the bag and gazes at the money. He looks up at Chick and smiles. STOKES Gentlemen, I suddenly feel invigorated and full of hope. Chick smiles. INT. NORA'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING On Nora's TV screen, we see the black and white image of Rickets the Hippo doing the "Klunky-Wunky Dance." Nora sits on the couch and stares hypnotically at the screen. There is a KNOCK at the door. She gets up and ejects the "Best of Rickets" tape. She opens the door. To her surprise, Randolph is standing there. RANDOLPH Hiya, cutie! Before she can respond, he enters the apartment and takes off his jacket. (CONTINUED) 64. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH So here's the good news: Yes, I'll be happy to end my sabbatical and return to my old slot. I know you and Frank are in a bind, so I'll start Monday. Call wardrobe, call props, tell 'em the R man is back and he's ready to start whistlin' dem happy tunes for da little chillens. He flops down on the couch. RANDOLPH Ahhh. Who do ya gotta blow to get a Scotch around here? He laughs. NORA You've got three seconds to pry your ass off my couch and get out. Randolph jumps to his feet. RANDOLPH Dammit, Nora! The rhino's gone! You need that slot filled and I'm ready to reclaim what's rightfully mine. NORA Just in case you forgot, you're a criminal and a scumbag. RANDOLPH Okay, so maybe I commandeered a stray shekel or two. Big deal! Compared to what Smoochy did that's like jerking off in the supermarket. NORA Where do you shop? Randolph walks over and puts his hands on her shoulders. RANDOLPH Come on. Have you lost all affection for me? After what we once had? (CONTINUED) 65. CONTINUED: NORA That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid. RANDOLPH Why we broke up I'll never know. NORA You turned into an asshole and I didn't love you. RANDOLPH We could've worked through all that. He leans in to kiss her and she shoves him away so violently he almost falls over the coffee table. RANDOLPH Damn it, Nora! The public is clamoring for me! I'm a fucking patriot! Mopes is a Nazi! He's evil! He's probably even gay! You should've seen the way he was checking me out in the car! NORA (suddenly suspicious) What does that mean? RANDOLPH What does what mean? NORA You said he was checking you out in the car. What car? RANDOLPH No... it's just a vibe! A Nazi homosexual vibe! It emanates from the television! The whole Smoochy costume... with the erect horn... I mean, what's that all about? Nora starts to walk closer to him. He backs up. NORA You're talking awfully fast, Randolph. RANDOLPH I still love you! Let's go on a date! (CONTINUED) 66. CONTINUED: NORA Were you at that rally? Tell me! Did you have something to do with this? She backs him against the wall and looks him in the eye. NORA Did you set Sheldon up? Randolph just looks at her. RANDOLPH You know, now I remember why we broke up. Always with the accusations. Bitch, bitch, bitch... Nora hauls off and punches him in the jaw. INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - NIGHT A morose-looking Spinner Dunn sits alone at the end of the bar in the nightclub. Tommy walks over. TOMMY What's wrong, kid? The mayor of Patterson's here with his wife. They wanna meet ya. SPINNER I don't wanna meet no one. I miss Smoochy! He never woulda done the things they say he done. He ain't no Nazi. Someone's making stuff up. I just know it, Tommy. Someone's making stuff up! Spinner starts violently pounding his head on the bar, causing GLASSES to RATTLE. SPINNER I want Smoochy back! I want to be on TV again! I want to play my cowbell! Nora enters the restaurant. She looks around and approaches Tommy. NORA Hi, Tommy. Hi, Spinner. Has Burke been in tonight? (CONTINUED) 67. CONTINUED: TOMMY Haven't seen him. NORA Damn it. TOMMY Something I can help you with? NORA I have to talk to him. It's about Sheldon. Spinner lifts his head from the bar. SPINNER Sheldon? What about Sheldon? INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Randolph is napping on Angelo's couch with an ice pack on his sore jaw thanks to Nora's fist. There is a sudden LOUD POUNDING at the door. Randolph startles awake. RANDOLPH I'm trying to sleep, asshole! Read the fucking meter some other time! After a beat, the door is kicked open and Tommy and his crew are standing there. TOMMY You wanna tell me about the rhino? RANDOLPH Hey, this is private property, creep! And you're trespassing! TOMMY Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub. Danny advances toward a shaking Randolph, fist clenched and rolling up his sleeve. RANDOLPH'S POV - DANNY approaches. He cocks his arm and throws a punch. Danny's fist FILLS the FRAME, TURNING IT BLACK as we hear the PUNCH. 68. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - SERIES OF DISSOLVES - BEFORE DAWN Newspaper trucks pull up to various newsstands and toss out bundles of the morning editions. As each bundle lands on the curb, we see headlines that span over the next few days: SMOOCHY SET UP - SMILEY BEHIND NAZI PLOT PLANNED TO DESTROY RHINO'S REP POLL: RAINBOW RANDOLPH MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA PUBLIC OUTCRY: "WE'RE SORRY SMOOCHY!" EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - DAY Randolph, bruised and battered, emerges from the police station with his LAWYER. REPORTERS and photographers rush forward. REPORTER #1 How does it feel to be voted the most hated man in America, Randolph? RANDOLPH In a country like this, where your average citizen is a fuckin' Neanderthal, I wear it as a badge of honor. REPORTER #2 What about Ms. Bishop's charge that you have an unhealthy obsession with Sheldon Mopes? RANDOLPH Listen, I barely know that broad. She's a wacko. An opportunist. I'm the most accused man since Jimmy Hoffa. Someone throws an egg and it hits Randolph in the face. RANDOLPH (on verge of tears) That was unfair! Who threw that? That was mean and uncalled for! (CONTINUED) 69. CONTINUED: LAWYER My client is not answering any more questions. Between his dwindling cash flow and mounting legal bills he's sinking into a deep psychotic depression. Please stop antagonizing him. Thank you. He pushes a sullen Randolph through the cluster of people. INT. BACKSTAGE - STUDIO C - DAY A makeup woman dabs Sheldon's forehead as he's about to go on. Nora stands next to him. A LOW TYMPANY ROLL is heard from the stage. SHELDON (to Nora) I wouldn't be back here if it wasn't for you. NORA I'm just sorry I didn't believe you... that I got swept up in the frenzy of anti-Smoochyism. SHELDON Well, this town's a house of mirrors sometimes. It's hard to know what you're looking at. He takes a couple of pre-show deep breaths. A STAGEHAND approaches. STAGEHAND They're ready for you, Sheldon. Sheldon exits backstage. INT. STUDIO C - CONTINUOUS ACTION The lights in the studio dim. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls... (dramatic pause) Who's your favorite rhino? An explosion of enthusiasm from the kids in the bleachers. (CONTINUED) 70. CONTINUED: KIDS IN BLEACHERS Smoochy!!! The lights come up as the Smoochyland Band plays a strong, dramatic version of "Battle Hymn of the Republic." After a moment, Smoochy slowly rises from a lift under the stage. A giant sign above the jungle lights up and emits a pyrotechnic shower of sparks. It reads: WELCOME HOME SMOOCHY! ANGLE ON SMOOCHYLAND BAND A beaming Spinner Dunn enthusiastically bangs his cowbell to the music as tears stream down his cheeks. BACK ON SMOOCHY He majestically stands center stage and nods to the kids who are giving him a standing ovation. The song crescendos with a rousing final chorus from the Smoochyland Band who sing, "His truth is marching on!" Thunderous applause from the bleachers. Smoochy walks over to a stool and takes a seat. It's very quiet in the studio now. Smoochy, looking uncharacteristically serious, picks up a microphone as the lights go down. He's in black limbo. SMOOCHY Thank you. It's good to be back. You know, kids, sometimes life in the jungle can be unfair. A place where nice guys don't just finish last... they get their heads cut off. Gasps from the bleachers. SMOOCHY That pretty world you think you know is just props and scenery. Lollipop trees with roots in venom! ANGLE - NORA watches nervously from offstage. (CONTINUED) 71. CONTINUED: BACK ON SMOOCHY SMOOCHY So look around you, boys and girls. Every day. Be diligent! Stand strong! As the old proverb says: Beat a dog one time too many and you get a wolf! Let's start howling! Howl for me, boys and girls! The kids in the bleachers howl along with Smoochy. SMOOCHY Okay, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Who wants to do the Hokey-Pokey?! The kids cheer as the Smoochyland Band launches into the Hokey-Pokey song and Smoochy starts dancing. The kids pour out of the bleachers onto the jungle set. Everyone is dancing and having a ball. Nora is clapping to the music offstage. Sheldon and Nora exchange affectionate glances. OMITTED INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Randolph sits in front of the TELEVISION in a daze. He's wearing a ratty bathrobe and absentmindedly tosses cheese curls onto the floor from a bag on his lap. ON the TV, an "Entertainment Tonight"-type show with two perky hosts is covering Smoochy's return to the airwaves. The hosts, Tara and Hunter show Smoochy's dynamic entrance and the standing ovation he got during the taping that day. TARA (V.O.) Well, Smoochy's back and boy did we miss him. Hundreds of well- wishers stood outside Kidnet Studios today hoping to catch a glimpse of their favorite rhino. HUNTER (V.O.) That's right, Tara. Smoochy's popularity is stronger than ever thanks to his recent exoneration as a Nazi sympathizer. In fact, several movie studios are offering big bucks for a chance to bring the Smoochy story to the silver screen... (CONTINUED) 72. CONTINUED: The BROADCAST CONTINUES. Smoochy images flash across the screen. Randolph has been mumbling the whole time. RANDOLPH (quietly to himself) Bad... very bad... too much for brain... pressure building... ears ringing... eyes burning... contempt overflowing... He jumps up and kicks the TV over. He picks up a lamp and starts beating the TV. RANDOLPH I hate you! I fucking hate you!!! You devil-horned mind fucker! Die, die, die!! Angelo, who was cooking in the kitchen, runs out. He's wearing an apron. ANGELO What are you doing?! That's a Zenith! (notices cheese curls) Look at this place! He grabs the lamp from Randolph. ANGELO That's it! I want you out of here! RANDOLPH (suddenly scared) Where am I supposed to go? ANGELO I don't care! (pointing to door) Out!! INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - NIGHT Spinner's massive arms envelope Sheldon in a bear hug, practically lifting him out of his seat. Burke, who's having dinner with Sheldon, holds onto the table before it gets knocked over. SHELDON Easy, Spinner. Watch the ribs, buddy. (CONTINUED) 73. CONTINUED: SPINNER I missed you so much! SHELDON I missed you too, champ. He drops Sheldon and pulls out his cowbell. SPINNER I've been practicing and practicing and I got real good, Sheldon. Real good! He starts banging on it with a butter knife. Sheldon cringes. SPINNER Wanna see me march? SHELDON Sure, why not. Spinner starts marching through the restaurant, clanging the cowbell. People who are trying to eat their dinner look annoyed. Sheldon sits back down at his table. BURKE So you were saying you had some good news? SHELDON Yes. Some very good news. After giving it a lot of thought... I've decided to do the ice show. Burke gleefully slaps Sheldon on the shoulder. BURKE Finally! I got me a bar mitzvah boy. Today you are a man! SHELDON I realize now it's a sin to waste your power. BURKE Like they say, rock bottom's a college education. (CONTINUED) 74. CONTINUED: SHELDON But here's the really good news: I'm doing it myself. No sponsors, no vendors, no crooks. Not one dirty hand will touch this. Not one person will make a dollar off these kids. Smoochy on Ice will be a study in purity. Burke's grin suddenly fades. SHELDON As far as food concessions go, I'll supply the refreshments. For free. Low sodium, whole wheat pretzels and apple slices. Healthy stuff. Now are you ready for the best part? BURKE I'm holding my breath. SHELDON All profits from ticket sales will be used to built a state-of-the- art methadone clinic in Coney Island. Burke looks pale. SHELDON I'm not just talking a run-of-the- mill clinic... I'm going to build a methadone palace. A place where men and women can withdraw in luxury. BURKE Sheldon, you can't do an ice show and cut out the vendors. And more importantly, you can't cut out the Parade of Hope. It's suicide. SHELDON You always told me, when you've got muscles you make the rules. Well, I'm feeling pretty strong right now. Sheldon rises and tosses his napkin down. (CONTINUED) 75. CONTINUED: SHELDON All this time I was letting the business use me. Well, I think it's time I start using the business. I've got my clout back and I'm not gonna waste it this time. Take care of it, Burke. Sheldon exits. Burke sits there, looking very concerned. On his way out the door, Tommy stops Sheldon. Spinner's COWBELL CLANGING continues. TOMMY Shel, you gotta help me out. He bangs that goddamn thing from morning till night. I got a headache that goes from my eyes to my ass. SHELDON Whatever I can do, Tommy, just say it. You know I love Spinner. And I owe you. TOMMY Give the boy something else to do on the show. Anything. Just as long as it don't clang, chime or honk. INT. STOKES' OFFICE - TIGHT ON FACE OF FRANK STOKES - DAY frightened. There's a gun to his temple. WIDER Chick, the Asian representative of Takashi, holds a revolver on Stokes. His cohorts, Sambo and Tobi, stand by. CHICK I don't like complications, Frank. You got one week to get Takashi that slot or you're gonna be shakin' hands with Buddha. STOKES Don't you understand? My hands are tied. The rhino's been exonerated. The show's more popular than ever. (CONTINUED) 76. CONTINUED: CHICK (to Sambo and Tobi) Okay, boys, chop him up, bag him and dump him in the woods. Sambo and Tobi start to advance on Stokes. STOKES All right! I'll take care of it! I just need time! Chick leans into Stokes' face. CHICK One week, Jeeves. Got that? Or I get a blender and make an Orange Julius with your feet. They exit. EXT. STREET - DAY A down-and-out Randolph shuffles along in ratty bedroom slippers. He passes a MAN who sits behind a small table on the sidewalk. The table has a huge photograph of a rhinoceros taped in front of it. Literature and pamphlets depicting the black rhino are spread out on the table. MAN Save the rhino! Before it's too late! Make a donation! Save the rhino! (to Randolph) Hey, mister, ya wanna help save the rhino? Randolph just looks at him for a moment. He looks at all the rhino-related imagery. He starts shaking and suddenly jumps over the table and attacks the Man. RANDOLPH I'm the one who needs to be saved! Me. I'm broke! I lost my lawyer! My only friend kicked me out! I'm a fucking peanut shell in the shape of a man! Save the Rainbow! Save the Rainbow! Save the Rainbow! MAN Help! Someone call a cop! Randolph grabs the collection can and runs off. 77. EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY It's a chilly, grey afternoon. Stokes and Burke walk along the lake framed by the New York skyline. STOKES Your client is suffocating me. To make matters worse, he's caused me to veer into a hazardous situation. A situation that otherwise could have a very happy ending. BURKE Tell me more about the Asians. STOKES They're ruthless. Unwavering. Unprincipled. And best of all, they know how the game is played. They respect our delicate ecosystem of mutual benefit. Stokes stops walking and grabs Burke's arm. STOKES I'd bring you in on this, Burke. You'd be my partner on the Takashi deal. Split down the middle. We have an opportunity to get back on track here. Back to the way it was. BURKE The good old days. STOKES Pre-rhinoceros. The two men look at each other as thoughts pass silently between them. BURKE This is very sticky ground we're about to walk on. STOKES Well, you're used to a little glue on your shoes. Burke smiles. BURKE Let me poke around. Sift through the possibilities. OMITTED 78. EXT. ALLEY OFF ND STREET - THEATER STAGE DOOR - EVENING A slender young man in a Peter Pan costume in being held by a big thug as another thug beats him up. A girl dressed as Tinkerbell (also being restrained) looks on in horror. Merv Green (Parade of Hope) steps INTO FRAME. MERV This is what happens to guys who keep secrets, Johnny. JOHNNY I'll give you the rest next week! I promise! MERV It's not me you're fucking over, it's sick kids. You got something against sick kids, Johnny? The thug punches him in the stomach again. JOHNNY No! I love sick kids! Merv nods to one of the thugs who releases Peter Pan. He slumps to the ground. Merv kneels down and lifts his head from the pavement. MERV And you tell that fat producer of yours, if he ever gives me a low head count again, he'll lose the other thumb. One of Merv's thugs leans in, whispers something to Merv, who looks up to see. Burke standing in the mouth of the alley. BURKE Merv Green. How's tricks, kid? MERV Well, if it ain't smilin' Burke. Whose bones are you pickin' today? BURKE (chuckles) You got a minute, pally? OMITTED 79. EXT. ND STREET - MOMENTS LATER Burke and Merv walk along 42nd Street. A poster advertises Peter Pan "Sponsored by Parade of Hope -- Giving Children the Gift of Promise!" Merv's thugs trail behind. MERV No one freezes me out of an ice show. No one. I don't care how many fucking clinics he's trying to save. BURKE Look, I'm chokin' on the same bone as you. MERV If you're trying to aggravate me, you're doing a hell of a job. BURKE I'm not here to aggravate, just educate. I think Mopes might be talking to people he shouldn't be talking to. MERV That's an ugly string of words. BURKE He's got it in his head that he's gonna clean up the way we do business. (beat) Truthfully? I wouldn't be surprised if he's wearing a wire. Burke looks at his watch. BURKE Jesus, I got a thing across town. He steps off the curb to hail a cab. BURKE Let's keep talking, Merv. There's oughta be some kind of solution. Don't you think? Burke hops into a cab. Merv watches the cab pull away. 80. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - OUTSIDE KIDNET BUILDING - TIGHT SHOT - LEGS OF SMALL CARD TABLE - MORNING SNAP open. The table is set on the sidewalk. A man's legs ENTER the FRAME and shakily climb on top of the table. WIDER Randolph stands on the table directly in front of the Kidnet Building. He raises the megaphone to his mouth. RANDOLPH Attention, New Yorkers! You are about to hear a shocking story of injustice! WIDER Randolph stands on the table directly in front of the Kidnet Building. RANDOLPH I urge you to listen! It has a surprise ending you won't want to miss! A crowd starts to form on the sidewalk. RANDOLPH It's the story of a venomous rhino and his aggressive campaign to slander, vilify, defame, denigrate and villainize my good name! But one thing he can't do, is take my life from me. No, friends, only I have the power to do that! He reaches down and picks up a can of gasoline. RANDOLPH This is what Smoochy has done to me! He's brought me to this! I can no longer live in a world where the innocent suffer and the wicked thrive! Randolph raises the can over his head and pauses dramatically. RANDOLPH Where is God??!! (CONTINUED) 81. CONTINUED: He drenches himself with gasoline. The crowd grows larger. He holds up a pack of matches. RANDOLPH I'm sorry to do this, people. Don't try to talk me out of it. The crowd starts to applaud. Randolph looks baffled. MAN IN CROWD Do it! Light it! RANDOLPH Our guest of honor will be here any moment! This is for his eyes! For his conscience. He'll have to live with this imagine for the rest of his miserable life! INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon sits in the back of a limo on his way to work, reading the paper. The headline blares: "SMOOCHY ANNOUNCES ICE SHOW AT GARDEN." The subhead reads: "ALL PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT BROOKLYN CLINIC." SMOOCHY (to driver) Take it from me, Lester. Use your power. Don't squander it -- build with it. LESTER Sound advice, Mr. Mopes. If I ever get any power I'll give that a whirl. (notices crowd up ahead) Hey, what's going on up there? Sheldon glances up from his paper. SMOOCHY (casually) Looks like a street performer of some sort. He goes back to his paper. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Randolph sees the Kidnet limo approaching. (CONTINUED) 82. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH This is it, folks! It's showtime! I'm sorry to do this, but he's left me no choice! Randolph tries to light another match, but it's wet from the gasoline. The crowd laughs and starts taunting him. RANDOLPH Shut up, you hillbilly assholes! You're borough trash! Go back to your huts across the river! Randolph keeps trying to light the match. Finally, after several attempts, it lights. He holds it up. The crowd burst into applause. RANDOLPH Fuck you! Fuck all you people! I was the last of the Mohicans! You'll never see another Rainbow Randolph in this lifetime! You had me and you blew it! All of you! He turns and faces the approaching limousine. RANDOLPH This if for you, Smoochy! Remember this! As long as you live, remember this image! You did this to me! He brings the match closer to his gasoline-soaked body. The limo continues to approach. The crowd taunts him to do it. He tries to bring the match closer, but his hand is shaking. Suddenly, a LITTLE GIRL pushes through the crowd. Everyone quiets down as she looks up at Randolph. LITTLE GIRL Whatcha doin', Rainbow Randolph? Randolph freezes as he looks down at the Little Girl. A slight look of hope comes over his face. She smiles sweetly at him, walks over, and blows out the match. Randolph is overcome with emotion. Just then, Sheldon's LIMO WHOOSHES past him. The crowd cheers. CROWD Smoochy!!! (CONTINUED) 83. CONTINUED: They all run away from Randolph and over to Sheldon's limo as it pulls in front of the Kidnet Building. Randolph stares at them blankly. He looks down. The Little Girl is gone. Sheldon gets out of the limo. The crowd cheers him as he waves to them before going inside. A look of utter frustration now comes over Randolph. OVERHEAD SHOT Randolph drops to his knees on the table, looks skyward, and screams. RANDOLPH What does it all mean??!! The CAMERA RISES ABOVE him as he lets out an anguished howl that REVERBERATES through the skyscrapers. INT. KIDNET STUDIOS - BACKSTAGE - TIGHT ON DISAPPOINTED FACE OF SPINNER DUNN - DAY SPINNER What do you mean I can't play the cowbell no more? WIDER Sheldon gently tries to break the news to Spinner who's on the verge of tears. SHELDON You're too talented for the cowbell, Spinner. Cowbells are for babies. SPINNER (a little angry) I ain't no baby! SHELDON That's right. You're a fully grown man. With whiskers... and scars... the whole sha-bang. That's why you deserve a bigger role on the show. A more important role... Spinner's face starts to perk up. 84. INT. STUDIO C - SHORT WHILE LATER It's the middle of a Smoochy taping. Smoochy and the Gang are wrapping up a song entitled, "My Stepdad's Not Mean (He's Just Adjusting.)" The kids in the bleachers are singing the chorus. KIDS 'Stepdads are people too/ They have bad days, like we all do/ Be patient and help them through/ Stepdads are people too...' Smoochy continues the song. SMOOCHY (singing) ... 'So three cheers for the man that I proudly call Stan... He's not quite a dad or a brother... Yes, he gets cross, but still he's the boss... And besides he takes care of my mother!' The song ends. The kids in the bleachers applaud. Smoochy addresses them. SMOOCHY Remember, kids. First impressions, good or bad, are not always what they seem. Just like a new puppy, new dads need to adjust to their surroundings. So give 'em time! But always remember... if he becomes abusive to you or Mommy... what are the magic numbers? KIDS IN BLEACHERS (shouting in unison) Nine-One-One! SMOOCHY Right-o-riffic! The Smoochyland Band plays a little fanfare. SMOOCHY And now, boys and girls, I have a special surprise. I'd like to introduce the newest member of the Magic Jungle... my cousin... Moochy the Rhino! (CONTINUED) 85. CONTINUED: The Smoochyland Band plays a happy little song as Spinner Dunn, in costume as Moochy, runs on stage. The Moochy costume is identical to Smoochy only it's a darker orange instead of bright orange. SMOOCHY Howdy, Moochy! Welcome to the Jungle! You wanna say howdy to the kids? Spinner freezes. He stares at the camera. SMOOCHY Moochy? SPINNER My name is Moochy. SMOOCHY That's right. We've established that. SPINNER (leaning into Sheldon) Sheldon, this costume's makin' my nuts itch. Sheldon looks horrified. The Smoochyland Band quickly launches into some music. Smoochy, Moochy and a few other jungle animals begin to dance. Moochy's lumbering movements are in stark contrast to the choreographed steps of the others. As a bonus, he occasionally scratches his crotch. INT. SHELDON'S DRESSING ROOM - AFTER THE SHOW A happy Spinner (still in costume as Moochy) pokes his head into Sheldon's dressing room. Sheldon, still in costume as well, looks drained after the difficult taping. SPINNER That was fun! Was it bad when I done that thing, where I tripped and knocked over the Flamingo and then he knocked over the cameraman and then those lights fell down on that lady's head? (CONTINUED) 86. CONTINUED: SHELDON It's fine, Spinner. We'll edit it out. But tomorrow in rehearsal we're gonna work on a new thing called 'the importance of hitting your mark.' SPINNER Great! I get to hit something! Spinner dances off. A beat later, Nora enters and shuts the door. There's an awkward beat of silence. NORA Hi. SHELDON Hi. NORA I read about the ice show. SHELDON Yeah, the papers seem to be really covering it. NORA I think it's great. What you're doing for that clinic. SHELDON Thanks. She nods. NORA I just need some clarification... SHELDON Don't worry. Spinner just needs a little more rehearsal. I'll get him there. NORA No I mean about us. Sheldon looks uncomfortable. NORA Ever since you've been back I just feel like there's something that's not connecting. (CONTINUED) 87. CONTINUED: SHELDON I guess I'm still readjusting a little. Like a guy who's come back from the war. Not that I'd equate my misfortune with the brave men and women who protect us overseas. NORA I just thought we were on our way to something... granted, my mistaken belief that you had ties to Neo-Nazis might have put a damper on our relationship, but I'm sorry for -- Sheldon suddenly jumps up and grabs her. He kisses her passionately. Nora immediately starts ripping off his costume as they make out. They fall to the floor in a lustful embrace. INT. STUDIO - BACK HALLWAY - SAME TIME Spinner, humming to himself, lumbers down the hallway on his way to the wardrobe room. Halfway down the hall, he hears a voice call out to him. VOICE (O.S.) Hey -- rhino. Spinner turns around. The door to the fire exit swings open. Two of Merv's thugs emerge and grab Spinner (who's still in full Moochy costume) and drag him into the stairwell. INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE - MOMENT LATER Spinner is dragged into the garage and knocked to the pavement. Several more thugs emerge from the shadows, including Henry, Merv's main henchman. They start beating him with lead pipes. Henry pulls out a REVOLVER. He SHOOTS the rhino several times. A sedan trunk is popped open and Moochy is thrown inside. The CAR SCREECHES up to the street. INT. CHINATOWN - NIGHT We CRANE DOWN FROM a Chinese banner that stretches across two tenements. We LAND ON the seedy, deserted street below as the SEDAN BARRELS INTO FRAME and SQUEALS to a stop. (CONTINUED) 88. CONTINUED: Two thugs emerge from the car. They pull Spinner/Moochy from the trunk and toss his body by some garbage cans, knocking a few over. They get back in the car and speed away. Moochy's lifeless foam body rolls into the gutter and lays motionless. Blood seeps through his foamy torso. LOW OVERHEAD SHOT of Spinner/Moochy. We SLOWLY START TO RISE UP as we LOOK DOWN AT the rhino's body. The WIND WHISTLES through the empty street as we get HIGHER. The Chinese banner rustles THROUGH the FRAME. As we get HIGHER AND HIGHER, we hear the intermittent CLANG of a PRIZE FIGHT BELL. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SAME STREET - HOURS LATER In the same frame, detectives and uniformed cops are now at the scene gathering evidence. Where Spinner once lay, there is now a bright yellow chalk outline in the shape of a rhinoceros. INT. PARADE OF HOPE OFFICES - NEXT DAY FULL FRAME ON a TELEVISION screen. A local news anchor is reading the top story. ANCHOR (V.O.) Former heavyweight contender and restaurateur Lawrence 'Spinner' Dunn was found shot to death in a rhinoceros outfit early this morning in Chinatown. Dunn, a frequent performer on 'Smoochy's Magic Jungle,' was pronounced dead at the scene. Police are searching for -- A hand ENTERS FRAME and violently slaps the TV OFF. WIDE An enraged Merv Green glares at his henchmen, Henry and MITCH. MERV How could you hit the wrong rhino?! (CONTINUED) 89. CONTINUED: HENRY Who knew Smoochy had a cousin Moochy? They look fucking identical. MERV Smoochy is bright orange, Moochy is burnt rust! Read the papers! Do I gotta take you back to fucking kindergarten? MITCH All you said was 'hit the rhino.' You never specified the color. I'm not taking the blame for this one. Merv's anger builds. He turns to a picture of Smoochy which is tacked to a bulletin board along with other kid show personalities that the foundation extorts. Merv picks up a letter opener and violently thrusts it into the picture. MERV I'm not through with you yet, rhino! Your time will fucking come! INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - SHORT WHILE LATER Cops rummage through Angelo's apartment. In the b.g., a detective, ELLIS, interviews Angelo. Another detective, McCALL, is looking through some papers he found. McCALL Ellie, over here. Ellis walks over. McCall shows him some scribblings he's found in a notebook of Randolph's. The crude drawings depict Smoochy with his head cut off... with a knife in his heart... being pissed on by Randolph, etc. "Die, Rhino, Die" is scrawled hundreds of times, filling page after page. The two detectives look at each other and nod. INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT - DAY Spinner sleeps forever in an open casket, clutching his cowbell. Dozens of Spinner's relatives are at the wake. (CONTINUED) 90. CONTINUED: A bagpipe player plays "Amazing Grace." Sheldon stands at the casket, fighting back tears as he stares down at his old friend. Nora has her arm around him. SHELDON It's my fault. He'd still be alive if it wasn't for me. He would have been so proud to be in the ice show. NORA There was nothing you could have done. Don't torture yourself. SHELDON I'm sorry, Spinner. I'm so sorry. Tommy and the boys walk over. Tommy puts his arm around Sheldon as he gazes somberly at Spinner. TOMMY He really loved you, Shel. And this I guarantee -- that fucking Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're gonna find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass. SHELDON Maybe you better leave it to the police. DANNY They won't do the ball thing. It's against procedure. TOMMY Don't forget -- that hit was meant for you, Shel. So from now on, everywhere you go, we go. SHELDON That's okay, Tommy. I'll be fine. TOMMY Fine, nothin'. And as Christ is my witness, no one's touchin' a hair on your fuckin' head. Spinner would have wanted it that way. Tommy's crew nods and agrees. (CONTINUED) 91. CONTINUED: TOMMY (to the boys) Alright, boys, let's get shit- faced. For Spin. They head for the bar. Nora and Sheldon look down at Spinner in silence. SHELDON Didn't Rickets the Hippo have a song about death? NORA 'The Last Nappy Time.' It gave me a lot of comfort when my mother died. (sings quietly) 'When doggies stop barking And fish cease to swim And Grandpa lays silent, from his head to his limbs Sadness will find you But soon you'll feel fine...' Sheldon joins in. SHELDON/NORA 'In life we all have Our Last Nappy Time.' Sheldon looks at her. They embrace as BAGPIPE MUSIC SWELLS. OMITTED EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT The news zipper in Times Square glides through the night air: "MANHUNT UNDERWAY FOR RAINBOW RANDOLPH... SUSPECTED IN BOXER'S MURDER... SEEN OUTSIDE BUILDING SHORTLY BEFORE SHOOTING, DRENCHED IN GASOLINE AND ACTING PECULIAR..." We CRANE DOWN FROM the zipper ONTO the sidewalk. Randolph is talking on a pay phone. We hear Angelo on the other end. RANDOLPH I didn't do it! I know you're still mad at me, but you gotta believe me. (CONTINUED) 92. CONTINUED: ANGELO (V.O.) The papers say you were the mastermind. RANDOLPH Mastermind? I can barely figure out how to unzip my pants these days. Just taking a piss is a logistical nightmare. ANGELO (V.O.) I believe you, Randy. But you can't come back to my place. They'll find you. You gotta go underground. EXT. LIBERTY FLOUR AND BISCUIT FACTORY - NIGHT We are outside the long-abandoned Liberty Biscuit and Flour factory. The Liberty sign with its Statue of Liberty logo is eroded and partially missing. INT. LIBERTY BISCUIT AND FLOUR FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION Inside the massive dormant factory, rats scurry around and pigeons occasionally fly from window sill to window sill. A makeshift living area has been set up in the middle of it all -- a chair, lamp, small table, hot plate, etc. Randolph lays on the dilapidated conveyor belt, huddled under a blanket. Angelo enters the factory through a rusty door, carrying provisions. ANGELO It's heatin' up out there. Every cop in New York is looking for you. And Tommy Cotter's boys are combin' the streets. You're gonna have to stay put for a while. Randolph sits up on the conveyor belt, blanket draped over his shoulders. He's a physical and emotional wreck. RANDOLPH I was an altar boy once. Did you know that? I wanted to be a priest. Do you believe in angels, Angie? (CONTINUED) 93. CONTINUED: ANGELO Angels? RANDOLPH There was a little angel in pigtails. She was the only one who cared about me. She saved my life. Angelo hops up on the conveyor belt to console Randolph. Randolph rests his head on Angelo's shoulder. ANGELO You didn't want to kill yourself, Randy. You know that. RANDOLPH Perhaps it's time to heal. To accept the fact that Smoochy has won and gracefully march forward. True, I'm currently wanted for a murder I didn't commit. But I have faith. Faith that justice will prevail. ANGELO Now you're talkin', kid. This is a big step... I'm proud of you. He strokes Randolph's head. RANDOLPH Did you bring lunch? ANGELO Yes. RANDOLPH Chicken and stars? ANGELO Just like you asked for. RANDOLPH Can I have some, please? ANGELO For a smile. Randolph sniffs and manages a small pitiful smile. Angelo musses his hair. ANGELO Atta boy. (CONTINUED) 94. CONTINUED: Angelo lifts one of the grocery bags onto the conveyor belt. ANGELO Here, I got you some crossword puzzles and stuff to read. Angelo hops off the conveyor belt and turns on the hot plate. He starts to open a can of soup. Randolph reaches into the bag and pulls out a copy of the New York Post. The lead article's headline reads, "WAKE FOR SPINNER." A large photograph shows mourners leaving the restaurant after the wake. Clearly visible are Sheldon and Nora. They have their arms around each other. Randolph's eyes widen. He starts to hyperventilate. Angelo looks up. ANGELO You okay? Randy? Finally, Randolph expels a blood-curdling scream that ECHOES through the factory. RANDOLPH Motherfucker!!!!!!! Angelo drops the soup. Birds in the factory flutter from the rafters. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ICE RINK Sheldon and the Rhinettes work on some choreography for that night's show. Nora watches from the sidelines. As Sheldon skates on the ice rink, Merv enters with Roy and Danny. Sheldon skates over to them. Nora walks over, too. TOMMY Big news, Shel. SHELDON What's that? TOMMY It wasn't Smiley who killed Spinner. It was Parade of Hope. NORA Merv Green? SHELDON Are you sure? The cops have tons of evidence on Randolph. (CONTINUED) 95. CONTINUED: TOMMY We did our own investigation. Cousin Ian from down at the morgue... you met him at the wake... FLASHBACK - INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - DAY Tommy is at the bar listening intently to a man, IAN, who is pointing to certain details on a photograph. IAN See the neck? Snapped like a twig. Animals... Parade of Hope's calling card. When they do a guy, they like to sign the tab. TOMMY What's that guy's name over there? Green? LEON Yeah, Merv Green. TOMMY This was one time they shoulda left the tab blank. INT. ICE RINK (PRESENT) NORA I knew Merv Green was a scumbag from the day he grabbed my ass at a 'Feed the Children' benefit. SHELDON Well, God help those guys now. They're gonna get a first-class ride through the criminal justice system, and I'm buying the tickets. TOMMY It's all taken care of, Shel. SHELDON What does that mean? 96. FLASHBACK - INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT A bloodied Merv Green is tied to a chair in the middle of the warehouse as he begs Tommy for his life. Merv's two henchmen lay dead nearby. Roy, Jimmy and Sammy -- Tommy's guys -- stand behind her. MERV It was a mistake! An honest mistake! All I'm trying to do is help children. TOMMY You like kids, huh? MERV Yes! Of course! TOMMY So you must know a few fairy tales. Danny, tell him the one about the worthless prick who gets his head chopped off. Danny, holding a hatchet, advances toward Merv. Tommy casually walks away. We STAY WITH Tommy. Merv is NO LONGER IN FRAME. MERV (O.S.) No... no... no! He SCREAMS. We hear the sound of the HATCHET HITTING its target. Merv's pleading stops. TOMMY Now you know why charities go under sometimes. INT. ICE RINK (PRESENT) SHELDON Do we really need to hear this? I don't want to hear this. JIMMY A clean cut. SHELDON Okay, got it. (CONTINUED) 97. CONTINUED: ROY And then we took his head and -- SHELDON Thank you! Specifics about his head are superfluous at this point. INT. STOKES' OFFICE - EVENING Nora is alone in Stokes' office, rearranging cards on the giant cork board that displays the network schedule. She is startled to hear a deep voice behind her. VOICE (O.S.) Where is he? She turns around. Chick, Tobi, and Sambo are standing there. Chick walks over to the cork board. He scans a row of cards that all read "Smoochy." NORA (attitude) Can I help you with something? CHICK Yeah, honey, you can help us with something... He rips a Smoochy index card from the board, walks over to her and waves it in her face. CHICK You tell that boss of yours he better take care of the rhino problem. In my culture we honor deals or invite consequences. NORA I don't know what you're talking about and your cologne's making me nauseous. Other than that, you're great company. Chick looks at his boys and chuckles. CHICK Spicy little thing, isn't she? (CONTINUED) 98. CONTINUED: He suddenly pulls out a switchblade and holds it to Nora's throat. CHICK Takashi gets that time slot. You hear me, girly? Tell that boss of yours we'll kill everyone at this fucking network if we have to. Starting with the pretty ones. He removes the knife from her throat and hurls it toward the bulletin board. It lands -- sticking right in the middle of a Smoochy card. CHICK Auf Wiedersehen, honey. They exit. INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE - NIGHT Nora is pacing. Sheldon sits by the fire. NORA It's Stokes. He's behind the whole thing! He cut some kind of deal for the Smoochy slot! SHELDON What are you talking about? NORA He wants you out so he can put Takashi in! SHELDON Who's Takashi? NORA Jesus, Sheldon! Don't you ever pick up a copy of International Performer? He's the hottest kid show host from Asia. Sheldon's head is swimming. Suddenly the front door to to the penthouse bursts open. Randolph, dressed like he's about to do his old show, stumbles in waving a gun. (CONTINUED) 99. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Ah! How very cozy. Like two logs in a little bonfire. All we need is a few sticks and some wienies. He almost trips as he stumbles over to Sheldon. He waves the gun in his face. RANDOLPH I had her before you! Pachyderm! I was in love with her! In love! And you snatched her away! Like a common thief! You're the bad guy! Not me! He's the bad guy, Nora. He's incapable of understanding the love we once had! Tender, yet passionate. Old-fashioned, yet experimental. (cackles) Tell him about a few of our experiments, Nora! Tell him! Sheldon looks stunned. Nora hangs her head. SHELDON (to Nora) Is this true? Please tell me it's just the confused ramblings of a diseased mind. She looks at him, but doesn't say anything. SHELDON Holy mother of Toledo. When exactly were you planning to let me know about this?! NORA (turns to Sheldon) Listen, there was a time -- and I'm not proud of this -- but there was a time when I was a bit of a... kiddie-host groupie. RANDOLPH You're just another action figure for her collection! NORA That's not fair! RANDOLPH Tell him about Jingle Jackson! (CONTINUED) 100. CONTINUED: SHELDON You dated Jingle Jackson? RANDOLPH The bells turned her on. Hey, tell him about Jumbo Johnny! There's a tale for ya! A whale of a tale! She looks down, somewhat ashamed. A look of utter shock comes over Sheldon. SHELDON Oh good Lord in Heaven. NORA Look, what I did before I met you is none of your business. RANDOLPH Shut up! Both of you! This is my show! He waves the gun threateningly as he backs up to an armchair and sits down. RANDOLPH Do you fully understand the power of a condemned man? Do you? I'm already wanted for one murder, why should I give a flaming horse's twat if I commit two more? SHELDON I... uh... read once that the best way to diffuse a tense situation is with a little humor. To that end, would you like to hear a funny joke? RANDOLPH (rolling his eyes) Oh, please. Go blow yourself, Martha. (waves gun again) Fix me a beverage, woman. Make me one of those drinks that used to make us all warm and fuzzy before bouncy-bouncy time! NORA Fix it yourself, asshole. (CONTINUED) 101. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (points to gun) Remember, I have Mr. Boomy. SHELDON I'm telling you, you'd love this joke. It revolves around Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny getting into a fender bender. Nora rolls her eyes and goes to the bar. RANDOLPH (to Sheldon) You know, when I lived here I used to have a big painting above the fireplace. A naked chick holding a pumpkin. It was very tasteful. No bush... NORA Look, Randolph. We know it wasn't you who killed Spinner. SHELDON We'll go to the police, first thing tomorrow... straighten everything out. RANDOLPH Oh! Goody-goody gumdrops! (to Nora) Vodka straight up is fine, sugar babe! He grabs the bottle out of her hand. He rises from the chair. He takes a CD, "PARTY TIME WITH RAINBOW RANDOLPH," from his pocket and puts it into an audio system on the fireplace wall. RANDOLPH Did you put on a little weight, honey? That's okay, you're still a hot little brood mare. I bet you miss the sweet sting of my riding crop. Giddy up, pony! The THEME SONG from his show starts to PLAY. He flicks a switch and a spotlight goes on. He sings and dances. (CONTINUED) 102. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (to tune of 'Ol' MacDonald) 'Rainbow Randolph is the man. Yes he, yes he, is. He's the Prez of Rainbowland. Yes he, yes he, is. With some fun, fun here, and a laugh, laugh there. Here a dance, there a song, Everything is fun, fun. Rainbow Randolph is the King, the King of Rainbowland!' Randolph takes another drink from the vodka bottle. Sheldon suddenly lunges at Randolph and tries to grab the gun. Randolph shrieks. The two men wrestle on the floor, but Randolph is not much of a fighter. He screams as Sheldon rolls him toward the fireplace. SHELDON Is this what you want? A Hansel and Gretel ending?! You want to be the big bad wolf? RANDOLPH Stop! It's too hot! The heat! It's driving me mad! Randolph rolls Sheldon to the bottom. Nora reaches for a fireplace poker and whacks Randolph with it. Randolph cries out and drops the gun. Sheldon grabs it and points it at Randolph who lies on the floor, blubbering like a child. He's bleeding. RANDOLPH Go ahead, kill me! Finish me off. My life's over anyway. Everything I touch turns to shit. Put me out of my misery. Sheldon slowly takes the gun away from Randolph's head. SHELDON You're not nothing. You're bitter, misguided and I'm guessing a raging alcoholic, but you're still Rainbow Randolph. Despite everything that's happened, you once made children happy. Randolph sits up and looks at Sheldon through watery eyes. (CONTINUED) 103. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Would you be my friend? SHELDON Sure. RANDOLPH (to Nora) You too? NORA I guess. RANDOLPH Sorry about the brood mare stuff. Randolph throws his arms around Sheldon and cries into his shoulder. Sheldon pats his back. He glances down at Randolph's gun and sees that it's a toy. Nora pours vodka onto a small pillow she's taken from one of the chairs. She kneels next to Randolph and blots the gash on his head with the vodka soaked pillow. Randolph lets out a blood curdling scream. INT. SHELDON'S FOYER - TIGHT ON REVOLVER - SHORT WHILE LATER being loaded. WIDER Sheldon loads his gun as Randolph is curled up on the couch like a little puppy. Nora hands him a cup of tea. RANDOLPH (a pitiful child) Thank you. She walks over to Sheldon. NORA (re: gun) What are you doing? Sheldon continues to load the gun. (CONTINUED) 104. CONTINUED: SHELDON Just making the playing field even. I'm tired of running this race with one leg. NORA You're letting them drag you down to their level. RANDOLPH (from couch) She's right, Sheldon. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Keep your dignity intact. He accidentally spills some hot tea on himself. RANDOLPH Son-of-a-bitch! SHELDON I appreciate everyone's concern, but I can take care of myself. Nora and Randolph look at each other. RANDOLPH (mouthing to Nora) I tried. Sheldon stuffs some extra bullets in his pocket. SHELDON (to Randolph) Okay, buddy, we have to get down to the Garden. You're welcome to stay here as long as you like. Just don't leave until I get things squared away. Randolph gets up and walks over to him. RANDOLPH Be careful, Sheldon. Remember what I told you -- you've only scratched the surface of this scummy business. You have yet to strike oil. Randolph looks at him for a moment before turning to Nora. (CONTINUED) 105. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH You're lucky to have a guy like Smoochy. NORA You just rest, Randolph. RANDOLPH He's the real thing. Smoochy's the real thing. And I've been a fraud. A wicked man doing wicked acts. Sheldon slaps the cylinder into place and tucks the gun in his waistband. SHELDON Well, we all have our bad days. He exits. INT. HAWAII KAI - LATER THAT EVENING A hula dancer performs on a tiny stage in the nightclub. A small Hawaiian string band plays behind her. Burke and a nervous-looking Stokes sit in a booth. STOKES Things are getting out of hand. We have to cover our tracks. BURKE Relax, everything's gonna work out. STOKES Relax? They found Merv Green's head on the Grand Concourse! Excuse my concern. BURKE Look, we can cover all the tracks we want, but in the end we still got the same problem. We gotta finish what we started. STOKES God help us... Stokes shakily takes a sip of his drink. (CONTINUED) 106. CONTINUED: BURKE It'll all be over tonight. Buggy's gonna take care of everything. STOKES Buggy? Buggy Ding-Dong? The guy who hosted 'Buggy's Bumpy Railroad'? STOKES Yeah, until he discovered the joys of Turkish black mule heroin. For the right price he'll do anything. It's amazing the guy's still alive. Stokes buries his head in his hands. STOKES I don't know, Burke... this whole thing... A shadow falls across their table. Burke looks up. BURKE Speak of the devil. Have a seat, Bug. Buggy Ding-Dong's hand ENTERS the FRAME and snubs out his Camel. Stokes looks up. STOKES (attempting to sound cheerful) Buggy. You're looking good. ANGLE ON BUGGY A man who looks like he would first kill you then eat you for dinner, slides into the booth next to Stokes. BURKE It's time we put this thing to rest, Frank. And the way I see it... the rhino's up past his bedtime. Burke hands a folded envelope to Buggy who puts it into his jacket pocket. He lights another Camel. 107. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - AERIAL SHOT - EVENING "SMOOCH ON ICE -- SOLD OUT!" flashes on the electronic marquee. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Men, women and children flood in through the turnstiles. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Ushers, costumed as Rhinettes, help people to their seats. People mull about the concession stands which are adorned with signs that read: "Complimentary Apple Slices!" "Have a Salt-Free Pretzel!" "Enjoy a Soy Dog on Smoochy!" "Fresh Squeezed O.J. -- Have a Glass!" "Sugar Free Brownies -- They're Not as Bad as they Sound!" "Free! Everything is Free!" "Keep Your Wallet in Your Pocket!" "Friendship is More Important than Money!" INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Angelo's place looks like a cyclone hit it. Angelo works free from the ropes that have bound his wrists. He has been hit over the head and is groggy as he reaches for the phone. INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION A freshly showered Randolph is wearing Sheldon's robe and has a pink towel wrapped around his head as he lounges on the living room sofa. He's eating grapes and reading National Geographic. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up. RANDOLPH (sing-songy) Hellooo! We GO TO a SPLIT-SCREEN with Angelo. ANGELO Randy, is that you? (CONTINUED) 108. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Yes, Angelo, my little Twinkie, shouldn't you be getting ready for the big show? ANGELO Listen, Buggy's been here. RANDOLPH Buggy Double D's? The Dong Man? ANGELO Yeah, he lifted my backstage pass and he's braggin' that he's doing some kind of job for Burke Bennett. Randolph thinks. He suddenly looks very worried. RANDOLPH Sheldon's in trouble. I gotta get down to the Garden. ANGELO The place is crawling with cops. They'll jump on you like a trampoline. RANDOLPH I don't care. He rips the towel from his head. RANDOLPH I have to warn the rhino. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - BASEMENT Buggy, in his ill-fitting Rhinette costume, emerges from the sub-basement carrying a thin suitcase. As far as anyone's concerned, he's just another usher. He heads for the stairwell. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Every seat in the arena is occupied. The lights are lowered. A slow rolling TYMPANY is heard. After a moment, the Rhinettes skate out to enthusiastic applause. 109. BACKSTAGE Sheldon, looking very intense, stands alone in the wings. He takes a couple of deep breaths. We TILT DOWN and see the bulge of the revolver under his Smoochy costume. ICE RINK The Rhinettes have formed a line across the middle of the rink. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now... it gives us great pleasure to introduce America's favorite rhino... ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls... (dramatic pause) Heeeeere's Smoochy! Smoochy skates out to thunderous applause. The entire arena is on its feet. The Rhinettes part as Smoochy skates through them and stops in the middle of the rink. The applause and cheering don't stop for several moments. One of the Rhinettes hands Smoochy a microphone. SMOOCHY On behalf of myself, the Rhinettes, and the soon to be restored Coney Island Methadone Center, I thank you all for coming. NETWORK BOX Burke and Stokes roll their eyes. BACK ON SHELDON SMOOCHY It was my original intention that tonight's performance would be a benign mix of Smoochy songs and ice dancing. But as an artist, I believe I must convey to you, my fans, what I'm feeling at any given moment in my life. To do otherwise would be dishonest. Art is communication. It's something we learn and hopefully grow from. With that in mind... I hope you enjoy the show. (CONTINUED) 110. CONTINUED: More applause as Smoochy skates over to the Rhinettes. They form a circle around him and slap hands in solidarity. SHELDON This is for Spinner. The lights go down. A full orchestra begins to play the overture to WAGNER's Tristen et Isolde. The lights come up as a soprano -- a heavyset woman in a modified rhino costume -- skates out through the fog and begins singing the opera. Smoochy -- now wearing a peasant's frock -- skates an interpretive dance in the b.g. with a few Rhinettes who are also dressed as peasants. A beautiful fairy princess floats down (on filament wire) from the rafters and takes Smoochy's hand. She skates away with him as he waves good-bye to the Rhinettes. HIGH ANGLE LOOKING DOWN AT the opera. The CAMERA PANS OVER TO the catwalk high above the rink. CATWALK Buggy Ding-Dong, still in his Rhinette costume, settles into his assassin's roost. He begins to assemble the rifle and check the scope. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - FEW MINUTES LATER Randolph emerges from a cab and runs through the crowd outside the Garden. A few people recognize him. MAN It's Rainbow Randolph! Someone stop him! Randolph finds a side exit and slips into the arena. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - FEW MINUTES LATER The "Opera on Ice" continues. The soprano continues singing as Smoochy reenacts the incidents of his recent life. The fairy princess brings Smoochy to a room with a gleaming white desk. Smoochy takes a seat behind the desk. The fairy princess places a crown on his head, bids him good-bye, and floats away. Smoochy sits proudly in his new world. (CONTINUED) 111. CONTINUED: Suddenly, Rhinettes dressed as devils glide in and skate in a circle around the desk. They throw money at Smoochy. He jumps up and skates away, but the Rhinette devils pursue him with daggers. The music from the orchestra intensifies as the drama plays out. NETWORK BOX Nora continues to watch the opera, totally entranced. Stokes and Burke look a little on edge. Burke glances at his watch. CATWALK Buggy finishes loading the rifle. He shines the barrel with his sleeve and looks through the scope as Smoochy and company continue to perform below. POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE Atmospheric fog created by the smoke machine is so thick that Buggy has difficulty FINDING Sheldon THROUGH the cross-hairs. Occasionally, Smoochy skates through a hole in the clouds only to disappear again. BUGGY CURSES in frustration. ARENA Randolph pushes his way past Garden security and runs toward the rink. Several cops working the event spot him. A few spectators scream in horror. ICE RINK The soprano's mournful aria reaches its crescendo as Smoochy is now pursued by Rhinettes dressed as Nazis. They hold signs with words like "SCANDAL" and "SHAME." Smoochy skates to a section of the rink resembling Chinatown where he lands over a fallen "Moochy." He cradles Moochy's head in his arms as the Nazis glide past him and disappear into the fog. NETWORK BOX Nora wipes a tear from her eye as she watches the tragedy play out. Burke and Stokes glance skyward. Nora notices this. 112. RINK'S EDGE Randolph reaches the rink as cops push their way toward him. RANDOLPH Sheldon!!! But Sheldon can't hear over the orchestra. The soprano hits a high note. CATWALK Buggy aims the rifle. POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE Smoochy glides THROUGH the cross-hairs followed by a Rhinette. TIGHT ON BUGGY'S FINGER as he quickly squeezes off a SHOT. RINK The MUFFLED sound of GUNSHOT is absorbed by the intense music. A wounded Rhinette falls to the ice, but no one notices. Smoochy, oblivious, continues to skate toward the "gates of heaven" with the angel Moochy. Giant white gates slowly swing open at the rink's far end as floating angels open their arms to welcome Moochy. OUTER RINK Randolph runs around the rink's perimeter, trying to get Sheldon's attention. Cops and security push their way towards Randolph. He suddenly notices the felled Rhinette on the ice and looks skyward. He can make out a rifle barrel protruding from the catwalk. NETWORK BOX Stokes and Burke notice a commotion in the audience. They now see Randolph running through the crowd on his way to the stairwell. (CONTINUED) 113. CONTINUED: STOKES (whispering to Burke) What's he doing here?! He's going to screw everything up! Nora notices the distressed look on their faces and follows their gaze to the rafters. She now sees the rifle barrel. ANGLE - NORA jumps to her feet. FAST PUSH IN TO Nora's mouth. NORA (screaming) Sheldon!!! She starts to climb out of the box but Burke stops her. BURKE Nora... NORA You're in on this, aren't you! You sold him out! You fucking snake! Stokes tries to put his arm around her. STOKES Nora, please. It's not what you think. I'm grooming you. You're going to run the division one day... She pushes him. He goes down hard. She starts to climb out of the box. Burke tries to grab her, but she spins around and punches him. She runs for the rink. Stokes stands in the box looking dumbstruck as pande- monium plays out around him. People are running in all directions, cops are everywhere. STOKES (frightened; to Burke) What now? What do we do now?! BURKE Survival of the fittest! Burke runs off through the panicked crowd. Stokes looks around and heads off in the opposite direction. 114. OUTSIDE RINK Tommy and her boys notice the commotion in the audience. They see cops pursuing someone. They realize it's Randolph. Tommy, Jimmy and Sammy take off after him. CATWALK Buggy, in position again, looks through the rifle scope. POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE As the soprano reaches for an impossibly high note, the fog dissipates slightly and Smoochy's foam rubber head COMES perfectly INTO VIEW. BUGGY smiles. RINK'S EDGE Nora screams. NORA Sheldon!!! Get down!!! CLOSE ON BUGGY'S FINGER He's about to squeeze the trigger. CATWALK Randolph reaches the catwalk as the orchestra plays a dramatic series of smashing notes. He tackles Buggy just as he squeezes off the SHOT. RINK The top of Smoochy's foam rubber head is blown off. In SLOW MOTION, Smoochy's tattered horn sails through the air and lands softly on the ice. WIDE Everyone in the arena screams and heads for the exits. It's pandemonium. Thanks to Randolph, Buggy's shot was too high and just missed Sheldon's skull. (CONTINUED) 115. CONTINUED: A confused Sheldon bends over to pick up a chunk of the Smoochy head. Nora, who's entered at the opposite end of the rink, tries to reach him, but it's impossible. Panicked audience members run across the rink, heading for the exits. It's chaos. People slip, Rhinettes get trampled. CATWALK Randolph tries to get the rifle away from Buggy. They struggle on a narrow beam high above the rink. The cops have reached the outer edge of the catwalk now. Tommy and the boys get there a second later. They all stand back -- the catwalk is too unstable. RANDOLPH Give me that gun, you fucking wacked-out freak! Buggy manages to shove Randolph off him. He raises the RIFLE and SHOOTS at the cops. Randolph grabs him. Both he and Buggy lose their footing and slip from the catwalk. Randolph is able to grab onto the edge and hold on. Buggy clutches Randolph's leg which threatens to bring them both down. They dangle 80 feet above the rink. Randolph desperately tries to hold onto the catwalk as Buggy clings to Randolph's ankle. CLOSE ON RANDOLPH'S FINGERS His knuckles turn white as his fingers start to slip from the beam. ANGLE ON BUGGY Still clutching Randolph's ankle, he starts to lose his grip. He desperately grabs Randolph's foot, but Randolph's shoe slips off and Buggy begins his long plunge to the next life. INT. RINK - HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT Buggy screams the whole way down, still holding onto Randolph's shoe. RINK Buggy crashes into the middle of the rink, cob-webbing the ice around him. 116. CATWALK Tommy and his boys runs off to find Sheldon. The COPS help Randolph off the catwalk. He's a nervous wreck. COP #1 You okay? RANDOLPH I don't know. I'm kind of fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge. They pat the dazed Randolph on the back. He passes out. RINK People continue to run through the rink. Felled Rhinettes litter the ice like broken dolls. Smoke fills the air. Sheldon is helping a random woman to her feet as Nora finally reaches him. She embraces him. NORA Burke's with Stokes. He's been in it all along. Sheldon looks toward the network box. Beyond it, through the smoke, he sees Burke shoving his way through people who jam the exit trying to escape. Sheldon reaches into his costume and pulls out his gun. NORA No, Sheldon, don't! Sheldon runs off leaving Nora. EXIT Burke is almost through the cluster of people. He glances over his shoulder and sees Sheldon heading toward him. He shoves even harder now and finally gets through. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Burke makes a run for it down 33rd Street. A moment later, Sheldon emerges from the building. He sees Burke in the distance and takes off after him. He's still in his skates and wearing the partially-blown-off Smoochy head. 117. FURTHER DOWN STREET Burke looks behind and sees the nightmarish image of a disfigured Smoochy chasing after him. He quickly rounds the corner. EXT. STREET A few moments later Sheldon rounds the corner. He looks down the street and sees no sign of Burke. He notices an alley by an abandoned building. EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon walks slowly into the alley, gun drawn. Suddenly, Burke jumps out from behind some boxes. He whacks Sheldon's head with a garbage can lid. The gun goes flying. Burke goes for it, but Sheldon is quickly on his feet and pounces on him. The two men fight it out. Burke manages to get on top of Sheldon and starts to strangle him. BURKE You fucking point a gun at me? A gun I gave you as a gift?! Where's your fucking etiquette? Just as Sheldon begins to lose consciousness, we hear a GUNSHOT. Burke looks up. Nora stands there, pointing Sheldon's gun directly at him. NORA Let him go. Burke just looks at her. NORA Now. Before I pump one in that Grecian Formula scalp of yours. Burke smirks as he releases Sheldon. Sheldon jumps up and takes the gun from Nora. He shakily points it at Burke. BURKE You know something, kid? You've turned out to be an incredible pain in the ass. Burke slowly stands up, brushing off his suit. SHELDON You were behind the Spinner hit, weren't you? (CONTINUED) 118. CONTINUED: BURKE That was a tragic mistake. (shakes head sadly) If only one could turn back time... (beat) But what the hell, it's just one less mick in the world. He laughs. NORA You son-of-a-bitch. Sheldon cocks the gun. BURKE Oh my. What are you gonna do? Kill me? That wouldn't be very Smoochy-like behavior. SHELDON You're right. There's just one thing... Sheldon tears off the remains of his tattered costume and steps out of it. SHELDON I'm not Smoochy. Sheldon is shaking as he extends the gun to Burke's head. SHELDON I finally realized we're living in a different jungle. Burke suddenly looks fearful, as does Nora. NORA No, Sheldon. Sheldon closes his eyes as he tries to summon up the courage to pull the trigger. NORA Sheldon! Suddenly, there's a voice from behind. VOICE (O.S.) Don't do it, Shel. Sheldon turns around. It's Tommy and her boys. (CONTINUED) 119. CONTINUED: SHELDON (sternly) Stay out of it, Tommy. This is my business. Tommy walks closer to Sheldon. TOMMY No more killin', Shel. Enough's enough. Don't destroy who you are for this piece of shit. You mean something to the kids. Don't take Smoochy away from the kids. Tommy extends her hand for the gun. Sheldon looks down at the gun. He can't believe he's even holding it. He hands it to Tommy. SHELDON I don't know how I got pushed this far. TOMMY You're only human, Shel. The important thing is... you never went over the cliff. You're a good boy. For some of us... it's too late. Tommy pats Sheldon's shoulder affectionately. TOMMY We'll take it from here, kid, you run along with your girl. Get on with your life. Sheldon looks over at Burke, who's petrified. SHELDON Tommy, you're not going to -- TOMMY Don't worry. Sometimes even a rat deserves a little mercy. Sheldon and Nora take a final look at Burke before walking out of the alley. Burke is wide-eyed with fear as Tommy's boys advance on him. Just as they round the corner there is the sound of TWO GUNSHOTS. Sheldon looks at Nora. NORA Bus backfire. She pats him on the back. 120. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Stokes finally makes it out of the arena. He runs toward his waiting limo and hops in the back seat. He barks to his driver through the glass partition. STOKES Get out of here! The car doesn't move. Stokes pounds on the partition. STOKES Move this thing! No response. Stokes frantically pushes the button that lowers the partition. It slides down. STOKES Are you deaf?! I said -- The driver turns around. Stokes recoils in horror. It's Takashi. He smiles as the back doors open and the Japanese thugs -- Chick, Sambo and Tobi -- pile in with Stokes. They slam the doors shut. CHICK I wish I could tell you it'll be quick and painless, Frank, but you know how these things go... Stokes lets out a small whimper. Chick nods to Takashi who steps on the gas as he sings "Anything Goes" in Japanese. EXT. TH AVENUE - CONTINUOUS ACTION The car heads into the night, passing Sheldon and Nora, who have exited the alley. This will be Frank Stokes' final limo ride. EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon and Nora pause on the street. Sheldon looks around him. SHELDON You know, a little grime here and there doesn't change the fact... it's still a beautiful city. He looks at Nora. (CONTINUED) 121. CONTINUED: NORA Let's go home, Smoochy. Show's over. Sheldon gazes back at her. SHELDON No it's not. It's just beginning. They kiss passionately as MUSIC SWELLS and the CAMERA CRANES HIGH ABOVE the rink. FADE OUT. FADE UP ON: INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ONE YEAR LATER SUPERIMPOSE: ONE YEAR LATER The Garden is sold out. The lights go down. Through the P.A. we hear... ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now... it gives us great pleasure to introduce America's favorite rhino... ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls... There's a dramatic pause; TYMPANY ROLL. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Heeeeeere's Smoochy! Smoochy skates out to thunderous applause. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) With his partner and comrade... the one, the only... Rainbow Randolph! Randolph skates out, somewhat shakily, to huge applause. Sheldon puts his arm around him. The audience is now on their feet. Randolph especially basks in the adulation. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) All proceeds from tonight's performance, will benefit the Rainbow Randolph Center for Alcoholism and Delusional Behavior. (CONTINUED) 122. CONTINUED: Sheldon pats Randolph on the back. MUSIC BEGINS as Rhinettes and Krinkle Kids skate out. The show starts and the audience goes wild. Nora smiles from the stands as Smoochy and the others glide across the ice. (SMOOCHY /RANDOLPH DUET TO COME.) FADE OUT. THE END
THE DESCENDANTS Written by Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon & Jim Rash 1 EXT. THE OCEAN - DAY 1 CLOSE ON a beautiful 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN at the helm of a powerful SPEEDBOAT -- her hair tossed back by the wind, her mouth in a euphoric grin. FADE OUT. 2 CREDITS -- ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE 2 MATT (V.O.) My missionary ancestors came to the islands and told the Hawaiians to put on clothes, work hard, believe in Christ, and stop surfing and hula dancing. They made business deals along the way -- buying an island, or marrying a princess and inheriting her land. Now their descendants wear bikinis and running shorts, play beach volleyball and surf, and take up hula dancing. Hawai'i has always been a place of contradiction. 3 EXT. HONOLULU - DAY 3 VARIOUS SHOTS of Honolulu begin a pattern of montages to be interspersed throughout the film. MATT (V.O.) My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawai'i, I live in paradise. Like a permanent vacation -- we're all just out here drinking mai- tais, shaking our hips, and catching waves. Are they nuts? How can they possibly think our families are less screwed up, our heart attacks and cancers less fatal, our grief less devastating? Hell, I haven't been on a surfboard in fifteen years. 4 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 4 We ZOOM BACK from a panorama of Honolulu to find 50-year-old MATT KING seated amid DOCUMENTS atop a makeshift desk -- he has brought his work with him. (CONTINUED) 2. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 4 CONTINUED: 4 MATT (V.O.) For the last 23 days, I've been living in a "paradise" of IVs and urine bags and endotracheal tubes and six-month- old US magazines. Paradise. Paradise can go fuck itself. Matt looks up at the WOMAN we saw in the speedboat, now lying stiffly on an upright HOSPITAL BED, her head cocked to one side, a feeding tube in her nose, a ventilator in her trachea, IVs in her arm. MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) This is Elizabeth King, my wife. Twenty-three days ago she was launched from a powerboat during a race and hit her head, almost drowned. Now she's in a coma that scores 5 on the Glasgow scale and 3 on the Rancho Los Amigos scale, scores showing an extremely severe coma. Liz is very competitive. Whatever she does, she does to the fullest. 5 INT. NEUROLOGIST'S OFFICE - DAY 5 Matt is getting the current DIAGNOSIS. NEUROLOGIST She reacts non-purposefully to stimuli in a non-specific manner, but occasionally her responses are specific, though inconsistent. Her reflexes are primitive and often the same, regardless of stimuli presented... MATT (V.O.) It was exactly what Elizabeth used to accuse me of. 6 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 6 Matt continues to observe her. MATT (V.O.) Twenty-three days in a coma, and any day now the doctors will give me their final verdict if she's going to come out of it or not. Then I have a decision to make. Wait, that's wrong. Liz has a living will. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 3. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 6 CONTINUED: 6 MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) Like always, she makes her own decisions. But I know she's going to pull through. His CELLPHONE RINGS. MATT (CONT'D) Hi, Noe, what's up? NOE (ON PHONE) Matt, you have a call from Scottie's teacher. She says it's urgent. MATT Yeah, sure. Put her on. 7 INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY 7 A SCRAPBOOK shows PHOTOS OF ELIZABETH lying in her hospital bed. The compositions are odd, the ANGLES uncomfortably CLOSE. WIDE -- Matt confers with fifth-grade teacher MS. Hayashi and school counselor MRS. THULL. MS. HAYASHI We just don't think these photographs are appropriate for Scottie to be sharing with her classmates. Some of them went home quite disturbed, and we got some angry calls from parents. MATT Yeah, she's sort of been going to town with the whole picture-taking thing, but I had no idea -- MS. HAYASHI I can't tell you how my heart goes out to you and your family, but Scottie just hasn't been herself. Principal Cruz agrees with us that it maybe would be better for Scottie to remain at home with you during this difficult time. MATT Home. See, I would think that sticking to her normal routine would be the best thing for her -- you know, keep her occupied. I wouldn't really know how to... (MORE) (CONTINUED) 4. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 7 CONTINUED: 7 MATT (CONT'D) I mean, I've kind of got my hands full. And her sister's away at school on the Big Island. I don't think Scottie would really want to hang out with me when she could be with her friends and people like you who specialize in children. MRS. THULL Mr. King, we see this every day -- children acting out at school when something's wrong at home. And your family is facing a devastating crisis. Have you been engaging Scottie in really talking about what's going on? Encouraging her to express her feelings? That's crucial. MATT (No) Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. SCOTTIE (O.S.) (singing) This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s. This shit is bananas. They look over to see -- TEN-YEAR-OLD SCOTTIE KING -- EARBUDS in place and in her own world, DANCING just outside the classroom door. A JANITOR down the hall eyes her suspiciously. SCOTTIE (CONT'D) This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s! Matt stares aghast at this specimen called his daughter. The ladies glance between Scottie and Matt, wondering when, or whether, he'll intervene. Finally -- MS. HAYASHI Scottie, that is not a good choice! Are you making a good choice? Scottie remains oblivious. Ms. Hayashi rises to her feet. MATT (realizing) Yeah, Scottie, come on. Knock it off. 5. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 8 EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY 8 Matt leads Scottie to the car. MATT What's the matter with you? Showing those pictures of Mom for your art project? SCOTTIE I'm a photographer, Dad, a real photographer. MATT No, you're not. You're overdoing it is what you're doing. SCOTTIE I saw it in a book. Some famous photographer lady took pictures of her mom in the hospital while she was dying, and they're considered art. That's what I'm doing. MATT First of all, your mother's very sick, but she's not dying. Second, you don't share personal stuff like that with strangers. What's going on with Mom is private. SCOTTIE I'm hungry. Can we get burgers? MATT No. SCOTTIE Can we get smoothies? MATT No. As Scottie continues -- MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) The last time I took care of Scottie by myself was when she was one. Now she's ten, and I have no idea what goes on inside her head. She's insane. And with Elizabeth in the hospital, I think she's testing me. I'm the backup parent. The understudy. 6. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 9 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 9 FLASH! Scottie takes Elizabeth's picture again. MATT I wish you'd stop doing that. And rather than taking her picture all the time, you should talk to her. I'm tired of asking you. You heard Dr. Johnston -- people in a coma can hear you -- you know, well, some of them can. It lets them know they're still loved, might even help them wake up sooner. And it'll help you express whatever feelings and emotions you're supposed to be going through -- you know, make you feel better. SCOTTIE I don't know what to say. MATT Tell her a story. SCOTTIE I don't have a story. MATT Tell her anything. Tell her what's been going on in school. SCOTTIE She never cares about that. MATT I don't believe that. What about after school? She's always driving you around the island. You know, gymnastics? Soccer? SCOTTIE I don't do those things anymore. MATT Ballet? Piano? Hula? SCOTTIE Nope. MATT If you're not going to say anything to your mother, we might as well leave. (CONTINUED) 7. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 9 CONTINUED: 9 SCOTTIE Okay. Let's go. MATT How about this? Write her a letter. SCOTTIE What would I write? MATT I don't know. "Get well. Wake up. I love you. Don't leave me alone with my idiot Dad." SCOTTIE How's she going to read it? She's in a coma. MATT Goddammit, Scottie, stop fighting me on everything. SCOTTIE But it doesn't make any sense. MATT You know what your mother is hearing right now? You refusing to talk to her. Is that what you want? SCOTTIE I'm starving. And I'm thirsty. I want a soda. He takes Scottie by the hand and sits her down in a chair next to the bed. MATT We're not leaving until you talk to her. I'll even give you privacy. Recite her the alphabet for all I care. What do you want to drink? SCOTTIE Sprite. MATT OK, Sprite. Diet Sprite? SCOTTIE Not diet. Regular. Do you think I'm fat? (CONTINUED) 8. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 9 CONTINUED: (2) 9 MATT No, you're not fat. SCOTTIE I'm not the model. MATT It's just that all that sugar makes you cranky. SCOTTIE I'm not cranky! MATT Okay. I'll be right back. Talk. 10 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 10 As Matt steps out into the hallway, he passes NURSE JOY. NURSE JOY Mr. King, how are you? MATT Fine, Joy, fine. And you? NURSE JOY I see your picture in the paper today. Have you made your decision yet? MATT My decision? NURSE JOY Your family. About your big land. The other NURSE nudges Joy to be more polite. NURSE JOY (CONT'D) What? Me and Mr. King, we're like this. MATT Well, it's not really my decision. It's my whole family's decision. And furthermore... (mock scolding) ... mind your own business, young lady. As he turns away to continue down the hall -- (CONTINUED) 9. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 10 CONTINUED: 10 MATT (V.O) (CONT'D) The whole goddamned state is following my decision on who's going to buy 35,000 acres on Kaua'i my family has owned since the 1860s. My cousins and I meet in six days to approve a buyer. Ever since my father died nine years ago, I'm the sole trustee, the controlling trustee, so I hold all the cards. Why does so much have to depend on me -- my wife, my daughters, my family's land? I just want to hide. 11 INT. HOSPITAL GIFT SHOP - DAY 11 A POSTCARD shows a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL in a bikini straddling a surfboard, laughing as she's splashed. Barely containing his rage, Matt stares at postcard before grabbing ALL THE POSTCARDS in that rack. AT THE COUNTER -- About to pay for the postcards and two SODAS, Matt notices a HEADLINE atop a stack of NEWSPAPERS: "Activists Continue Protest of Kaua'i Sale." SHOPKEEPER Hey, they all the same cards. You like buy all the same cards? MATT These are inappropriate for a hospital gift shop. This girl is underage. Why do you sell postcards like this? This is a hospital. These aren't get-well cards. The SHOPKEEPER blinks at the man weirdly accosting her. SHOPKEEPER You like buy all the cards? Or you want I put them back? MATT (pulling out his wallet) Never mind. Yes, I'm buying them. And these two sodas. As she rings him up -- (CONTINUED) 10. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 11 CONTINUED: 11 SHOPKEEPER Okay, you buy underage girl all for yourself. In the lobby just outside the store, he drops the stack of postcards into the GARBAGE. 12 INT. HOSPITAL STAIRWAY - DAY 12 Forgoing the elevator -- perhaps to squeeze in a little exercise -- Matt trudges upstairs. MATT (V.O.) Elizabeth's going to make it out okay. I know it. It's not her time yet. She'll wake up, Scottie and Alexandra will have their mother back, and we'll talk about our marriage. I'll sell the land and quit my practice and buy her whatever she wants -- a big boat, a house in France, a trip around the world, just the two of us. We'll get close again, like the early days. It's still in us. It must be. 13 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 13 Approaching the door, Matt hears LAUGHTER from inside. 14 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 14 Matt enters to find Scottie on a sofa in the corner GIGGLING and TEXTING. MATT Scottie, what are you doing? SCOTTIE I'm hungry. Can we go? MATT You didn't talk to her, did you? SCOTTIE Yes, I did. MATT What did you tell her? SCOTTIE It's private. (CONTINUED) 11. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 14 CONTINUED: 14 MATT You're lying. And Jesus Christ, enough with the goddamn texting! Give me that phone! Give it here! Scottie fights him as he snatches her phone away. MATT (CONT'D) Jesus, Scottie. Okay, you win. Let's go. Scottie springs up out of the sofa. MATT (CONT'D) At least say goodbye. SCOTTIE Bye, Mom! Scottie bolts out the door. Matt takes a last look at Liz, panic and sadness rippling across his face. MATT (V.O.) My wife -- the sportswoman, the model, the drinker. MATT (CONT'D) Would you please wake up already? I need you. I can't do this alone. 15 EXT. BRIEF MONTAGE - DAY 15 Images lead us up the PALI HIGHWAY and into the lush old neighborhood of NU'UANU. 16 EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 16 This STATELY OLD HOUSE shows signs of neglect but feels impressive and welcoming nonetheless. MATT (O.S.) Is this Barb Higgins? BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Yes, it is. MATT (O.S.) Hi, Matt King returning your call. I assume your daughter is a classmate of my daughter's. (CONTINUED) 12. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 16 CONTINUED: 16 BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Yes, Lani is a classmate of Scottie's, yes. 17 INT. KING HOUSE - DAY 17 As Matt speaks on the PHONE, he wanders out of his cluttered HOME OFFICE and into the DINING ROOM. MATT How can I help you? BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Let's see, where to start? It's Scottie. She's been texting some awful things to Lani, and I'd like her to stop. MATT For instance. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Here's the latest one. "We all know you grew pubes over the summer." She sends little messages like that for no reason. She even wrote it on Lani's Facebook wall. MATT Huh. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) She calls my daughter Lanikai, implying she's like the size of an entire neighborhood. Do you think that's nice? MATT That's not like her at all. She's usually very sweet. He glances out the window at Scottie, who sits on the ground, back turned, POUNDING something with a BIG ROCK. MATT (CONT'D) As you may know, her mother isn't well, and maybe this is how she's dealing with it. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) I don't care about the backstory, Mr. King. My daughter comes home from school in tears. (CONTINUED) 13. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 17 CONTINUED: 17 MATT Yeah, no, I get it. I'm very sorry. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Scottie should be the one who's sorry. I want her to come over and apologize to Lani, and I don't ever want her to write to my daughter again. LANI (DISTANT O.S.) She can in a good way. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) If she doesn't apologize, I'm going to tell the headmaster. You can't buy your way out of this. Matt draws a long exasperated breath, as if everything else weren't enough already. MATT (V.O.) See what I mean? Everybody sees me as the rich guy, the inheritor. People resent us. I resent us. Even our last name -- King. How irritating. 18 INT. MATT'S CAR - DAY 18 Matt drives Scottie. MATT You need to say you're sorry, and you need to mean it. No dicking around. I have a ton of work to do tonight. Do you have any idea how behind I am? You made her cry. Why would you want to be so mean to someone? SCOTTIE (irritated) I don't know! MATT Is that what you text all the time, nasty things? SCOTTIE No. MATT Well, what then? (CONTINUED) 14. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 18 CONTINUED: 18 SCOTTIE I write them with Reina. They make her laugh, and then she shows Megan and Brooke, and they laugh too. MATT I should have known Reina had something to do with it. I don't want you hanging out with her. SCOTTIE Wait, I told Reina she could visit me in the hospital since I'm not in school anymore. Can she? MATT We'll make a deal. You apologize to this girl, and you talk to your mother, and then we'll see about Reina dropping by the hospital. Okay? Something outside the window catches Scottie's attention. SCOTTIE Dorks! Matt looks to see -- SIX FAMILY MEMBERS, walking on the sidewalk with KAYAKS, wearing T-SHIRTS reading "Melnick Family Reunion." SCOTTIE (CONT'D) Dorks! MATT Scottie, knock it off! Scottie sits back in her seat, laughing. Matt glances in his rearview mirror to see a TEENAGE SON taking off his T-shirt and throwing it to the ground. 19 EXT. LANI'S HOUSE - KAIMUKI - LATE AFTERNOON 19 The car drives down a block of MODEST HOMES. SCOTTIE Her house is down there on the corner. MATT You've been here before? (CONTINUED) 15. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 19 CONTINUED: 19 SCOTTIE Yea-uh. She invites me to her birthday, like, every year. MATT So you guys are actually friends? SCOTTIE Until last year's party, when she locked me out of the house and I had to sit outside all day while everybody was inside. She thought she was so great, but then I became friends with Reina and Brooke and got popular. MATT (processing) What? 20 EXT. LANI'S FRONT PORCH - LATE AFTERNOON 20 BARB HIGGINS answers the door. BARB HIGGINS Thank you for coming by. 21 INT. LANI'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 21 As Matt and Scottie are shown inside, they remove their shoes. BARB HIGGINS I forgot to mention the time Scottie said she didn't want to be Lani's partner at the rock wall because she didn't want to fall into my daughter's butt crack. That doesn't even make sense. Barb now leads them into -- THE TV ROOM -- -- where LANI HIGGINS sits on a couch. Matt is impatient to be done with this meaningless task. MATT Scottie, do you have something you want to say to Lani? SCOTTIE Sorry. (CONTINUED) 16. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 21 CONTINUED: 21 LANI It's okay. MATT Great. Well, nice meeting you both. Lani, you should come over sometime. Come for a swim or a hike or something. BARB HIGGINS Scottie, the things you said were simply evil. Do you realize that? I don't know what's led you to be such a nasty young lady. MATT Hey, hey. We came over. She apologized. We're dealing with it. Kids are mean sometimes. They grow out of it. It's a kid thing. Here, Scottie, you're going to stop, right? And you're really, really sorry, right? Scottie makes a big exaggerated nod. BARB HIGGINS I don't think she's sorry at all. She's going to keep doing it. I can tell. MATT No, she won't. It's like the time Lani locked Scottie out of the house at her birthday party and Scottie sat outside by herself. It was a mean thing to do, but Lani here probably did it just to show off, right? Lani thinks a moment, nods. MATT (CONT'D) But I'm not about to declare that one action defines a human being's entire character. She's a work in progress, and like all complex people is a bundle of contradictions. BARB HIGGINS I didn't know about that. SCOTTIE You brought me cake. (CONTINUED) 17. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 21 CONTINUED: (2) 21 MATT You brought her cake. So, I don't know, maybe Lani should be the one to apologize, since this incident may have been the catalyst for all this... "evil" was the word you used. 22 EXT. LANI'S HOUSE - DUSK 22 The door opens, and Matt and Scottie pause to slip their shoes back on. BARB HIGGINS Oh, and Mr. King? MATT Yes? BARB HIGGINS Good luck with the sale. Matt turns to look at her. So that's what all this was about on some level? BARB HIGGINS (CONT'D) They say your decision will have a major impact on Hawai'i's real estate world, not to mention the whole landscape of Kaua'i. Hundreds of millions of dollars, yeah? MATT Big decision. BARB HIGGINS My husband's family is from Kaua'i. Hanapepe, born and bred. They hope you don't sell. MATT You don't say. BARB HIGGINS All the traffic it's going to make. Matt and Scottie walk away. Barb closes the door. MATT Are you going to act different with Lani? (CONTINUED) 18. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 22 CONTINUED: 22 SCOTTIE I'll try, but it's hard. She has a face you just want to hit. MATT Yeah. 23 23 INT. MATT'S STUDY - NIGHT The camera makes its way past PHOTOS of Matt's ancestors, BOOKS of Hawaiian history, other family memorabilia to find Matt at his desk pouring over PAPERS. A clock reads 1:20. MATT (V.O.) My great-great-grandmother was Princess Margaret Ke'alohilani, one of the last direct descendants of King Kamehameha. She was originally supposed to marry her hanai brother, but she fell in love with her haole banker and estate manager, Edward King, whose parents were missionaries. Between his land deals and her huge inheritance, all of their descendants for generations have watched the past unfurl millions into our laps through leases and sales. Now the Rule Against Perpetuities is forcing us to dissolve the trust, and we're selling the last parcel of undeveloped land. Matt looks up, his glance falling on the portraits of Edward and Margaret. MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) Soon my daughters and I can just be normal citizens like everybody else, and these dead people will stop controlling our lives. VERY CLOSE ON MATT -- MATT (V O.) (CONT'D) I just want to be a normal guy. 24 EXT. DOWNTOWN HONOLULU - DAY 24 Establishing -- tall buildings, business people, lunch wagons. 19. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 25 INT. MATT'S LAW OFFICE - DAY 25 Matt eats a SACK LUNCH at his desk. His window has a grand view of DOWNTOWN. We glimpse his Punahou, college and law school DIPLOMAS. MATT (V.O.) Unlike a lot of my cousins, I haven't touched my share of the trust money. Like my father before me, I live only on the income from my law practice. I don't want my daughters growing up entitled and spoiled. And I agree with my father -- you give your children enough money to do something but not enough to do nothing. Matt's secretary NOE cracks open his door. NOE Mr. King, your cousins are here. 26 INT. LAW OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 26 Matt enters the room to find SEVEN COUSINS waiting to greet him. From their casual clothing and shaggy hair, an observer might hardly suspect their status. MATT (V.O.) Not only am I the sole but I'm a commercial real estate and transactional attorney, so the most involved of my cousins have been meeting with me regularly to analyze the bids -- Cousin Dave, Cousin Hal, Cousin Six, Cousin Wink, Cousin Lisa, Cousin Connie and Cousin Stan, both of whom oppose the sale entirely. Don't be fooled by appearances. In Hawai'i some of the most powerful people look like bums and stuntmen. LATER -- Matt and his cousins stand above the conference table, looking at blueprints and architectural drawings. MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) The proposals are virtually the same -- hotels, shopping centers, condos and golf courses. 3000 new jobs in the first five years. Support letters from the construction industry and unions. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 20. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 26 CONTINUED: 26 MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) A Chicago group is offering half a billion dollars, but we're leaning toward a lower bid from a guy named Don Holitzer. He's actually from Kaua'i and made a fortune in Silicon Valley. Cousin Hugh is pushing us in that direction, and I say why not? CLOSE ON MATT, nodding along but highly distracted, the sound of Liz's VENTILATOR growing louder in his brain. We CUT TO ARTIST'S RENDERINGS of comatose Elizabeth -- wide, closer, closer still, closer. 27 EXT. QUEENS'S HOSPITAL - DAY 27 Establishing. Matt walks inside the front door. 28 INT. FAMILY CONSULTATION ROOM - DAY 28 Matt sits across from old family friend DR. SAM JOHNSTON. DR. JOHNSTON Bad news, Matt. Dr. Chun, Dr. Mueller and I -- we believe her condition, * which we call a multi-factorial anoxic * encephalopathy, is deteriorating. We * see no eye movement, no pupillary * response, basically no brainstem * reflexes whatsoever. The machines * could keep her going, but her quality * of life would be... very poor. * Basically what you see now. She'll never be like she was, Matt. Never. * We know that now. Matt sits very still. DR. JOHNSTON (CONT'D) I can't tell you how sorry I am to have to tell you this. And you have your daughters. There's just nothing we can do. MATT So... if we do go ahead and take her off the machines -- DR. JOHNSTON Not if, Matt. When. I have a legal obligation. You know that. (CONTINUED) 21. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 28 CONTINUED: 28 MATT How long will she last? DR. JOHNSTON Hard to say. Could be a few days. Could be two weeks. But for planning purposes, you should work off the shortest possible scenario. I know I need to get the ball rolling on organ donations right away. Organ donation? Forgot about that one. DR. JOHNSTON (CONT'D) Elizabeth has so many friends, a big life. Last time I was at your house, must have been 200 people. If you're going to let people know to say goodbye, which is fairly typical protocol in these situations, start now. By the time the last day comes, they feel more ready, as ready as they can feel. I'm so sorry, Matt. 29 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 29 His mind spinning, Matt prepares to look at the corpse-to-be. When he opens the door and pulls back the curtain, he finds -- 30 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 30 -- friends MARK AND KAI MITCHELL up for a visit. They're playing MUSIC for Elizabeth on a mini-boombox, and Kai is APPLYING MAKE-UP to Liz's face. After cheery greetings -- MATT What're you doing? KAI Oh, she's been looking a little pale lately all cooped up in here, and I just know she'd be mortified if no one had thought to help her out with some lipstick and blush. I know she'll grill me. Matt and Mark exchange a look -- "Girls." MARK And of course Kai's getting her all caught up on all the latest gossip. (CONTINUED) 22. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 30 CONTINUED: 30 KAI Well, I don't want to have to start from scratch later. Oh, and Matt, on the way here we stopped by and left some more meals in your fridge, all ready to nuke. Matt smiles -- he'd been expecting a grim moment alone with Elizabeth, but instead he finds a room full of warmth and life. Even if it's a little creepy. MARK So what's the latest anyway, Matt? Any updates? MATT No, no. Just more of the same -- monitoring the swelling, keeping her * kidneys and other vitals working, you * know, hoping for the best. Kai nods sympathetically before turning back to Elizabeth. EXTREME CLOSEUP of Liz's lips as Kai applies lipstick. 31 EXT. KALAKAUA AVENUE - DAY 31 JOGGERS go past as Matt's car pulls into the driveway of the OCEAN OUTRIGGER CLUB. 32 EXT. OCEAN OUTRIGGER BEACH - DAY 32 Matt lies on the beach watching Scottie play in the surf with her snorkel mask on. The melancholy he feels makes him regard his weird little daughter with tenderness. SCOTTIE (emerging from the water) I'm hungry! MATT What else is new? Let's get you something to eat. 33 EXT. OCEAN OUTRIGGER RESTAURANT - DAY 33 Scottie pops two last FRIES into her mouth, then turns her attention to a strawberry SUNDAE. Anxious to spoil her, Matt watches Scottie dig in. Yet he remains preoccupied, his smile distant. (CONTINUED) 23. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 33 CONTINUED: 33 SCOTTIE The food here at the club is so good. MATT Yeah, they do a good job here. SCOTTIE Why is it called a jellyfish? It's not a fish, and it's not jelly. MATT No idea. You ask good questions. You're getting too smart for me, Scottie. SCOTTIE I'm going to find out. Then I'm going to ask Mom when she wakes up and see if she knows. Do you think she's going to know everything she used to know? Matt notices a BUFF GUY and some FRIENDS headed to a nearby table, and his mood sours. Scottie follows his gaze. The guy notices the Kings and feels obliged to mosey over. This is TROY COOK -- athletic and rich. TROY Hi, Matt. Hi, Scottie. MATT Troy. TROY (to his friends) I'll catch up to you guys in a second. Matt stares so intensely that Troy averts his gaze. TROY (CONT'D) So, uh, what's going on? I mean, how's Elizabeth doing? MATT Same. TROY I visited her last week, you know. I thought she looked pretty good. MATT So why'd you ask? (CONTINUED) 24. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 33 CONTINUED: (2) 33 TROY I don't know, I just wanted to know the latest. I'm praying for her every day, you guys. Really hard. Seriously. So what I was saying was, when I was there, I talked to her, and her hand moved, so I was pretty encouraged. I thought that was an encouraging sign. Scottie looks up hopefully. Matt notices. MATT That's enough. TROY I really think she heard me. MATT Look, Troy, go to your friends. No hard feelings. Let's just leave it alone. Troy walks away, stops, turns back. TROY I told you, Matt, there were lots of chops and holes that day. I told you a hundred times. Ask anybody. What happened to her could have happened to me. It was a super-hard day on the water. MATT You weren't supposed to be driving, Troy. She was supposed to be driving. TROY She wanted me to drive. And she's the one who told me to pass the other boat right before the turn. And just your whole attitude toward me, Matt -- I mean, I feel terrible. I wish it were me and not her. Plus I almost drowned myself when we capsized. And my rotator cuff is never going to be the same, and I'm going to miss Moloka'i. SCOTTIE Just because her hand moved, it doesn't mean anything, Troy. Mom twitches at weird times. When you cut off a chicken's head, it runs all around, but it's still a dead chicken. (CONTINUED) 25. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 33 CONTINUED: (3) 33 Scottie pushes back from the table and takes off toward the pool. Matt follows, not even gracing Troy with a final look. 34 EXT. OCEAN OUTRIGGER POOL - CONTINUOUS 34 Matt catches up to Scottie. MATT Hey, sport, don't pay any attention to that guy. That guy's a dope. SCOTTIE I hate him. MATT Yeah. SCOTTIE I didn't mean to say dead chicken. I don't want Mom to die. MATT I know, I know. Hey, let's get out of here. Let's go do something crazy. Like let's drive to the airport and hop over to the Big Island and surprise your sister. What do you say? SCOTTIE Right now? MATT It'll be fun. She's not expecting us or anything. And we bring her home. I think she should be here with us, don't you? Don't you miss her? I miss her. SCOTTIE Yeah, I'm out of school. She should be too! 35 EXT. OUTRIGGER RESTAURANT - DAY 35 As Matt and Scottie head toward the exit, Scottie FLIPS OFF a crestfallen Troy. A35 EXT. AIRPORT - DAY A35 A Hawaiian Airlines inter-island airplane takes off. 36 INSERT -- MAP OF THE ISLANDS 36 A DOTTED LINE goes from Honolulu to Kona. 26. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 37 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY 37 Matt and Scottie look out the window at THE BIG ISLAND coming into view. MATT (V.O.) Somehow it feels natural to find a daughter of mine on a different island. A family seems exactly like an archipelago -- all part of the same geographic expression but still islands -- separate and alone, always drifting slowly apart. 38 EXT. KING'S HIGHWAY, BIG ISLAND - DUSK 38 A RED RENTAL CAR zooms along the famous road near Kona traversing rocky -- almost lunar -- landscape. 39 INT. RENTAL CAR - DUSK 39 Matt looks over at Scottie, dozing. 40 EXT. HAWAI'I PREPARATORY ACADEMY - NIGHT 40 The car turns onto the bumpy gravel road snaking through the campus of this BOARDING SCHOOL. 41 INT. DORM SUPERVISOR'S ROOM HALLWAY - NIGHT 41 Matt knocks on a door. An exhausted Scottie slouches against a wall. The DORM SUPERVISOR appears in a nightgown. The TV is on in the background. MATT Hi, sorry to bother you. I'm Matt King. DORM SUPERVISOR Yes, hello, Mr. King. MATT I've come to pick up my daughter, Alexandra. DORM SUPERVISOR Did you call Administration? MATT No, I didn't. It's sort of an emergency. (CONTINUED) 27. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 41 CONTINUED: 41 DORM SUPERVISOR All right, let's see what we can do. 42 OMIT 42 43 INT. DORM HALLWAY - NIGHT 43 Scottie runs down the hall, excited by the idea of surprising her sister. SCOTTIE Which door? Which door is it? MATT Scottie, keep it down! DORM SUPERVISOR Will you both keep it down? It's around the corner. They turn down another corridor, and Scottie knocks on a door. DORM SUPERVISOR (CONT'D) That's the wrong door. The door opens, and a girl pokes her head out. DORM SUPERVISOR (CONT'D) Go back to sleep, Yuki. MATT Sorry, Yuki. The dorm supervisor knocks on an adjacent door. A moment later a ROOMMATE opens, groggy from sleep. DORM SUPERVISOR Wake your roommate, sweetie. ROOMMATE (glancing in her room) Um... Alex isn't here. DORM SUPERVISOR Where is she? ROOMMATE I think she's... outside somewhere. 28. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 44 EXT. SOCCER FIELD - NIGHT 44 A coat over her nightgown, flashlight in hand, the dorm supervisor leads Matt and Scottie across glistening moist grass. They hear LAUGHTER. TWO FIGURES grow more distinct in the moonlight -- GIRLS hitting golf balls -- ALEXANDRA KING and friend EMILY. DORM SUPERVISOR Girls! What do you think you're doing out here? EMILY Run! SCOTTIE Hi, Alex! It's me, Scottie! Emily takes off but doesn't get far -- she falls flat on her face, golf club in one hand, BOTTLE in the other. MATT You know, I pay $25,000 year for this crap not to happen. Alex! ALEXANDRA Dad? (laughing, to Emily) My fucking dad is here! This cracks her up even more. Scottie laughs too, though she's unsure why. DORM SUPERVISOR You don't talk like that here. This is unacceptable behavior! ALEXANDRA What's up, Dad? EMILY You come out to play a few holes with us? SCOTTIE We came to get you so you can come home. He took me out of school already. I haven't gone for three whole days. (CONTINUED) 29. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 44 CONTINUED: 44 ALEXANDRA (to Matt) What's happening? Why are you here? MATT You need to come home and see Mom. Alexandra hears this, takes a few strides, flings her golf club into the night. ALEXANDRA Fuck Mom! DORM SUPERVISOR What did I say about the language? ON MATT -- MATT (V.O.) What is it about me that makes women in my life want to destroy themselves? Elizabeth with her motorcycles and speedboats and alcoholism. 45 EXT. KING HOUSE - NIGHT 45 Matt's car arrives back home, and he and Scottie get out of the car. MATT (V.O.) Alexandra with her drugs and older guys and modeling. 46 INT. KING HOUSE - NIGHT 46 Matt carries a passed-out Alex upstairs. Scottie scampers ahead, opening the door to -- 47 INT. ALEXANDRA'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS 47 -- where Matt places Alex on her bed, takes off her shoes, covers her with a blanket, and watches this tsunami of a girl at rest. 48 INT. KING KITCHEN - DAY 48 At the stove, Matt dishes out SCRAMBLED EGGS. Scottie sits in the kitchen nook. MATT (V.O.) And Scottie, how can I protect her from... me? (CONTINUED) 30. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 48 CONTINUED: 48 As he brings her plate over -- SCOTTIE I don't like eggs. MATT Why didn't you say so before I made them? SCOTTIE I thought they were for you. Alex trudges in and pulls a Coca-Cola out of the fridge. MATT Good morning. (no answer) Does Mom let you have Coke for breakfast? ALEXANDRA I'm pretty sure it's after eleven. Now that we get a closer look, we might recognize Alexandra from the postcards at the hospital. We also see a resemblance to her mother. MATT How are you feeling? Shrugging, she plops down near Scottie. MATT (CONT'D) Hungover, huh? Why am I not surprised? I don't know where to start, and we probably shouldn't in front of Scottie. SCOTTIE I don't mind. MATT I thought you were supposed to be getting your act together. ALEXANDRA I have gotten my act together. I was just drinking. I've been doing really well, but nobody ever seems to notice my grades are better, and how I was in that stupid play you guys didn't bother to see. Do you even remember the name of it? (CONTINUED) 31. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 48 CONTINUED: (2) 48 It's on the tip of his tongue. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) That's what I thought. So what if I got drunk on the ONE night you happened to drop in? So the fuck what? MATT Hey, hey, hey. Watch your language in front of Scottie. SCOTTIE I'm okay. MATT (sitting with them) Anyway, it's good to see you. Welcome home. Want some eggs? ALEXANDRA How long do I have to stay? MATT We'll discuss that. ALEXANDRA (getting up) I'm going swimming. MATT Then I'll join you. ALEXANDRA Good times. 49 EXT. KING SWIMMING POOL - DAY 49 Matt walks out the patio doors. Seated on the steps of the shallow end, Alexandra is on her cellphone. ALEXANDRA (into phone) I gotta go. I'll see you later. (to Matt) The pool's really dirty. What day does the pool guy come? Matt notices all the floating leaves and insects. MATT He comes... you know, I don't know what day he comes. (CONTINUED) 32. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 49 CONTINUED: 49 ALEXANDRA Awesome. Matt grabs a POLE to skim the surface of the water. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) Sid's coming over. MATT Who's Sid? ALEXANDRA A really good friend from Punahou. We were in school together for years. MATT Oh. Okay. ALEXANDRA He wants to be there for me with all this shit happening. Matt wonders his own version of "What am I, chopped liver?" MATT Do I know his parents? ALEXANDRA No. He might stay over too. Is that cool? Just then, Scottie runs out onto the patio dressed in a BRA AND PANTIES. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) What the fuck? Get out of my underwear, you freak. SCOTTIE Ooo, la la! Don't I look divine? MATT Scottie, get back inside and change into your swimsuit. SCOTTIE Why? MATT Now. Scottie flips him off and runs back inside. (CONTINUED) 33. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 49 CONTINUED: (2) 49 ALEXANDRA Real good job you're doing. MATT That's part of why I brought you here. You have to help me. I don't know what to do with her. Alexandra slides into the water, swims to the other side and props herself on the edge, floating her lower body. Matt lowers himself into the water too. ALEXANDRA Maybe if you spent more time with her, she wouldn't act like such a complete spaz. Get her out of town -- go camp on Kaua'i. That's what mom did with me whenever I was losing it. MATT Listen, Alex, your mother isn't well. ALEXANDRA Obviously. MATT They just told me she isn't going to wake up. It's for sure now. The doctors are going to stop caring for her. Do you understand what I'm saying? Your mom wanted it this way. Alex remains silent. MATT (CONT'D) She has a will, see, saying we have to do it like this. We both do. That's why I got you. We're letting her go. Alex looks at him, takes a couple quick, loud inhalations, then slips -- UNDERWATER -- -- where she SWIMS, FACE CONTORTED, hoping to stay down there forever. Finally she emerges -- ABOVE THE POOL -- -- and gets out, grabbing a towel, crying now. (CONTINUED) 34. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 49 CONTINUED: (3) 49 ALEXANDRA Why'd you have to tell me in the goddamned pool? Matt climbs out and approaches her, arms extended. MATT Alex... Alex... ALEXANDRA What do you want? Matt drops his arms, crestfallen. Alex scoffs, walks back into the house. 50 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 50 They sit together now on sofas. Alexandra appears drained from crying. MATT I just found out yesterday. We have to go through this thing together, you and Scottie and I. And I need to go around and tell people what's happening -- our family and close friends. Sometimes I'll want you to come with me. Other times I need you to watch Scottie. ALEXANDRA You want me to go around with you and tell everyone that Mom's going to die? What's the point of that? Breaking the news, watching them cry, dealing with their emotions. How depressing is that going to be? Just call them. MATT Alex, nobody wants to do any of this. But we need to tell Grandpa and Tutu, a few friends. They have the right to know and to be able to say goodbye. ALEXANDRA I don't want to talk about Mom with anyone. MATT Whatever you fought about with her at Christmas, you need to drop it. Grow up. You love your mother. Your mother loves you. Move on. (CONTINUED) 35. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 50 CONTINUED: 50 ALEXANDRA I can't drop it. MATT You have to. ALEXANDRA You really don't have a clue, do you? Dad, she was cheating on you. Whoa. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) That's what we fought about. When I was home at Christmas, I caught her with some guy. It made me sick to see her near you. I went back to school thinking that was it, I was done with her. I was going to call and tell you everything. But then the accident happened, and I was waiting until she woke up, I guess. And you, you didn't even suspect. Right? (off his silence) That disgusted me too. You're always so busy. MATT Caught her with some guy? What does that mean? ALEXANDRA Brandy and I were on our way to swim in the Black Point pool, and suddenly I see Mom and some douchebag walk into a house. His house, I guess. MATT Just a guy? It could have been anybody. ALEXANDRA He had his hand on her ass. It was gross. MATT You're sure it was her. (off her nod) Then what? (CONTINUED) 36. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 50 CONTINUED: (2) 50 ALEXANDRA Then nothing. She went into the house. A few days later I told her I knew what she was doing. MATT And? ALEXANDRA First she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. Like I'm blind. Then she got super-mad and started yelling at me and denied it. That's when I decided I didn't want anything more to do with her. MATT Who is he? ALEXANDRA I don't know. Some guy. MATT What did he look like? ALEXANDRA Dark hair. Matt stands up, walks in a little circle -- he literally does not know which way to turn. Then he knows. MATT Watch Scottie. 51 EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 51 Matt bursts out of his house and starts RUNNING down the street. 52 EXT. NU'UANU NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY 52 Matt comes sprinting around a corner. 53 EXT. THE MITCHELLS' HOUSE - DAY 53 Matt arrives at his neighbors' house and lets himself in the kitchen door. 54 INT. THE MITCHELLS' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 54 Matt passes through the kitchen into the living room. (CONTINUED) 37. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 54 CONTINUED: 54 MATT Hello! It's me, Matt! MARK AND KAI appear at the top of the stairs looking as though they haven't been downstairs all day. KAI Oh, hey, Matt. MATT You guys weren't sleeping, were you? As they come downstairs -- KAI No, we were just fighting. Come on in. Want a drink? Want some coffee? MATT (shaking his head) What were you fighting about? MARK Stupid. KAI It's not stupid. He wants us to throw parties and have people over, which we do, of course, but who ends up doing all the work? Me. MARK It's work that's totally unnecessary. You don't have to do anything. Nobody's forcing you to clean and buy a new outfit and think of some goddamn theme cocktail. We can just invite people over last minute and drink whatever we have and hang out. It's more fun that way, anyway. As they continue their argument, Matt is struck by the pettiness of everyday life. He at once pities it, is impatient with it, and longs for it. MARK (CONT'D) You know what? We can talk about it later. Matt didn't come over to hear us squabble. KAI Shit, Matt. Is Elizabeth -- is there any news? (CONTINUED) 38. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 54 CONTINUED: (2) 54 MATT In fact there is. I'll tell you in a moment. Who is he? (off their silence) Does she love him? Who is he? KAI Matt. MATT I'm sorry to put you in this position. But I'm not really the one who put you there, am I? I just want to know who this guy is that my wife has been... seeing. KAI Oh, Matt, you're angry. MATT You could be a therapist. Very keen powers of observation. KAI Wow. I think we should talk another time. I think you need to cool it. Matt sits. He's not leaving. No one speaks. MATT Is it Troy? That fucking Neanderthal? MARK You don't know him. KAI Oh, don't you even, Mark. Shame on you. You're her friend. MARK I'm Matt's friend too. And this is a very unique and dramatic situation. I'd want to know. KAI Don't betray her when she can't even defend herself. Matt, you may not be able to hear this right now, but it's not her fault. Women have needs. MATT Are you fucking kidding me? (CONTINUED) 39. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 54 CONTINUED: (3) 54 KAI Your marriage was not... You worked so hard to make partner, and no one can take that away from you. But then you made partner, and you only got busier. And it's not like you were so involved with the girls. She was lonely. MATT So you're going to talk to me in clichés about women? Nothing is ever a woman's fault. Was it still going on when she had the accident? Kai looks away. Mark nods. MARK But I stayed out of it, Matt. Anytime Kai talked about it, I walked away. MATT (to Kai) And you what? You probably egged her on. Add some drama to your life without any actual risk. Whom do you think you're protecting anyway? She doesn't need your protection -- it's over. She's going to die. KAI Don't say that. MATT I almost told you yesterday. She's never going to wake up. It's for sure now. You hear me? We're pulling the plug. You were putting lipstick on a corpse. MARK Come on, Matt. That's a little intense. Kai's face dissolves into tears. Mark reaches out to comfort her. Everybody falls back to Earth. MATT I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take it out on you guys. I just... Does she love him? Matt looks at him blankly, then at Kai. He'd like to know too. (CONTINUED) 40. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 54 CONTINUED: (4) 54 KAI How can you ask about him when she's going to die? Who cares? Yes, she loves him, loved him, whatever. She's crazy about him. She was going to ask you for a divorce. Matt is stunned but oddly relieved. The truth, once revealed, blows a calming wind. MATT You still haven't told me who he is. I guess it doesn't matter. Matt rises to his feet and leave. 55 EXT. THE MITCHELLS' HOUSE - DAY 55 Just as Matt reaches the sidewalk, Mark comes loping out of the house. MARK Brian Speer. His name is Brian Speer. Two e's. A PET GOAT tied up in the front yard watches. 56 EXT. NU'UANU NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY 56 From a discreet distance, we notice that Matt has stopped walking to cry. 57 EXT. KING SWIMMING POOL - DAY 57 Wandering up the driveway, Matt finds Alexandra sitting with Scottie and SOME GUY. Scottie now wears an oversized t-shirt reading, "She's fat. I'm drunk. It's on." They stop laughing when they see Matt. SCOTTIE Hi, Daddy. ALEXANDRA Dad, this is Sid. MATT (sizing him up) Hello, Sid. Lanky and odd, a permanent smirk on his face, SID rises from his lounge chair. (CONTINUED) 41. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 57 CONTINUED: 57 SID `Sup, bro? As they shake hands, Sid pulls Matt into a man-hug and thumps him on the back. MATT Don't ever do that to me again. (to Alexandra) Get ready, okay? We're going to Grandma and Grandpa's. (to Scottie) Auntie Esther will come over to watch you. ALEXANDRA Sid's coming with us, okay? MATT Sid, this week, what's going on, is a real family matter. You understand. (to Alexandra) Sid's not going to be interested in meeting your grandparents. He'll be bored stiff. ALEXANDRA Dad, I told you he was going to be with me. I'll be a lot more civil with him around. SID (arms wide, shrugging) What can I say? 58 EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 58 Matt approaches the car with Alexandra and the interloper. MATT Does he know what we're doing? ALEXANDRA He knows everything. SID Dude, your wife is dying and then you find out she's been stepping out on you? That's harsh. MATT Get in the car. 42. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft A59 EXT. MONTAGE - TBD A59 59 EXT. THORSON HOUSE - DAY 59 Matt watches retired military man SCOTT THORSON (70s) mumble as he sits at a table glancing over DOCUMENTS. Sid is splayed out on a nearby lounge chair. Alex seated at his feet. Every so often a PET PARROT squawks loudly. SCOTT THORSON This is like reading Korean. MATT Scott, I'll be happy to walk you through it. SCOTT THORSON (tossing the papers) Jibber-jabber. MATT It's an advanced directive -- basically her instructions on what medical procedures she wants or, in this case, does not want. No prolonged mechanical ventilation, no -- SCOTT THORSON I know goddamn well what it says. Says she doesn't want everyone waiting around while she spoils like milk. Says if the doctors can't do squat, she'd just as soon get on with it. He stares off into space. ALEXANDRA Gramps, are you okay? SCOTT THORSON Elizabeth had the good sense to write this thing here. Always a thoughtful girl. A strong girl. A hell of a lot stronger than her brother. Barry whines his way through life. Might even be a homosexual, for all I know. MATT Yeah, Scott, I don't think so. (CONTINUED) 43. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 59 CONTINUED: 59 SCOTT THORSON And she's stronger than you, Matt. She lived more in a year than you did in a decade, sitting in your office, hoarding all your cash. All that money you refuse to use -- what the hell good is it? And now you and your family are cashing in your chips -- what the hell for? Maybe if you'd let my baby have her own boat and bought her some safe equipment or let her go on those shopping sprees women like, maybe she wouldn't have gone in for those thrill sports. Maybe if you'd provided more thrills at home. ALEXANDRA Grandpa. SCOTT THORSON And you, Alexandra. Putting your poor mother through hell when all she was trying to do was instill some sense and drive in you. Shame on you. You should try to be more like her. She's a good girl. She's a good girl. The old man climbs to his feet and takes a few steps away. Hands on hips, he looks up as though gauging the weather. Then he clears his throat, wipes his face with his sleeve, turns back. SCOTT THORSON (CONT'D) You all want a drink? As he wanders away toward the kitchen -- LATER -- Scott returns pushing a little DRINK-CART. Behind him trails his wife ALICE. An Alzheimer's victim, Alice is a sweet woman, alert but unable to grasp or recall. ALICE Oh, do we have guests? MATT (kissing her) Hi, Alice. Good to see you. It's me, Matt. ALICE Good to see you too. (CONTINUED) 44. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 59 CONTINUED: (2) 59 ALEXANDRA (hugging her) Hi, Tutu. SCOTT THORSON That's Alexandra. ALICE Hello. SCOTT THORSON She's your granddaughter. And this is your son-in-law Matt. This is your family. Well, except this kid. I don't know who the hell he is. (to Sid) Who are you? Why are you here? ALEXANDRA He's my friend. SID Good afternoon. SCOTT THORSON Alice, we're going to go to Queen's Hospital today and see Elizabeth. ALICE We are? Queen Elizabeth? That's wonderful. I've never met a queen before. I have to put on a nice dress. Sid bursts out LAUGHING. SID Is she serious? SCOTT THORSON You be quiet, son. (then --) No, Alice. Our Elizabeth. Our baby. We need to go visit her in the hospital. She needs us, just like when she was a little girl. Let's think about what she might want in her room. We'll take it to her and put it next to her bed. ALICE But she's a queen. I have to look good for a queen. Don't you want me to look good? (CONTINUED) 45. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 59 CONTINUED: (3) 59 Sid LAUGHS again. SCOTT THORSON Shut up, Alice. (then --) Sorry, old gal. You go ahead and say whatever you want. ALICE I've never met a queen before. When Sid snickers again, Scott Thorson approaches him and glares. SID I'm sorry, man. I was just laughing. It's funny. I think she knows she's being funny. SCOTT THORSON I'm going to hit you. Scott POPS HIS FIST into Sid's face. Sid FLIES BACK. 60 INT. MATT'S CAR - DAY 60 The car in motion, Matt glances in the rearview mirror. MATT How's the eye? In the backseat, Sid holds a package of FROZEN PEAS to his puffy blue eye. SID That was unreal. I mean, how often do old people just haul off and fucking cold-cock you in the face? MATT He's hit me a couple times over the years. And watch your language. ALEXANDRA Here, let me kiss it. SID Ow! MATT Hey, could you two just cool it around me? You know, stop... touching each other so much? (CONTINUED) 46. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 60 CONTINUED: 60 SID Whoa! Maybe that's why your wife cheated on you, if you're so against touching. SLAMMING ON THE BRAKES, Matt turns around, points a menacing finger. Even Alexandra realizes Sid went too far. MATT You little fuck. Do you get hit a lot? SID I don't know. I've had my share. MATT (to Alex) Your friend is completely retarded. You know that, right? SID Hey, my little brother's retarded. Don't use that word in a derogatory fashion. Matt looks at him. Given who Sid is, there's no reason to think he wouldn't have a retarded brother. MATT Oh. SID Psych! I don't have a retarded brother! ALEXANDRA You suck, Sid. SID Speaking of retarded, do you ever feel bad for wishing a retarded person or an old person would just hurry up? Sometimes I wait for them to cross the street, and I'm like, come on already! But then I feel bad. Rather than lashing out again at Sid, Matt turns around and lowers his head into one hand, squeezing his temples. It's all getting to be too much for him. (CONTINUED) 47. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 60 CONTINUED: (2) 60 ALEXANDRA (noticing his anguish) Dad? MATT What? ALEXANDRA Don't forget -- I know where he lives. Matt thinks a moment, then -- MATT Get in the front seat. 61-63 OMIT 61-63 64 EXT. DIAMOND HEAD ROAD - DAY 64 Matt's car passes by the well-known crowded surf-point overlook. MATT (O.S.) Been doing any surfing over there on the Big Island? ALEXANDRA (O.S.) I haven't surfed in years. MATT (O.S.) Yeah, how come? You were so good. ALEXANDRA (O.S.) At first I stopped because I got my period and didn't know how to use a tampon. SID (O.S.) Didn't want to attract sharks, huh? ALEXANDRA (O.S.) So I wouldn't go for, you know, five days or so, and then I guess I just stopped. MATT (O.S.) Why didn't you ask Mom to show you or teach you or whatever? 65 EXT. KAHALA - DAY 65 The car continues on. (CONTINUED) 48. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 65 CONTINUED: 65 ALEXANDRA (O.S.) I didn't even tell her I got my period for like a year. She was always pushing me to look older and act older, so I just... SID (O.S.) Even I know how to use a tampon. ALEXANDRA (O.S.) The first time I got my period I thought I shit my pants. SID (O.S.) Ew, maybe you did! ALEXANDRA (O.S.) Sid, shut up. MATT (O.S.) Are you sure he knows what's going on with our family? Because he sure doesn't act like it. 66 EXT. BRIAN SPEER'S BLOCK - KAHALA - DAY 66 The car creeps down a street of lovely homes. ALEXANDRA Do you know anything about him? Like what he does or if he's married? MATT Just his name. Brian Speer. ALEXANDRA Why didn't you ask Kai and Mark? MATT I just didn't. ALEXANDRA Why not? MATT I didn't want to get into it. ALEXANDRA We'll google him later. Okay, there it is. Stop. Matt pulls over opposite a supremely average-looking house. (CONTINUED) 49. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 66 CONTINUED: 66 MATT There? He lives there? ALEXANDRA Well, I can't say for sure he lives there. That's just where I saw them. MATT And you just happened to be driving by. ALEXANDRA Sadie was driving. We both saw it. They all observe closely, very focused. Nothing happens. It's just a house. SID That house is a piece of shit. At least go after a guy who's got a mansion. And do you think he's married? That'd be pretty cold-blooded to do it in a house where you're married. ALEXANDRA Sid, please be quiet. MATT What are we going to do? ALEXANDRA I don't know. I'm just showing you the house. They all think a moment. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) Should I go ring the bell? MATT (tempted, then --) No, wait, this is stupid -- this stalking, or whatever the hell we're doing. We came, we saw. Whatever. Let's go. No one moves. ALEXANDRA It's not like we're stalking him exactly. (CONTINUED) 50. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 66 CONTINUED: (2) 66 A PLUMBING TRUCK drives up the road. The three of them reflexively crouch down before catching themselves. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) What would you do if you saw him, anyway? Talk to him or punch him or what? MATT I guess I just want to see him. SID All I know is, someone messed with my girl, all hell would break loose. ALEXANDRA Whatever, Sid. SID I mean, you'd never do that to me, would you? You know, if we ever got married. Fuck around on me. ALEXANDRA Depends on how you treated me. MATT That's enough now. ALEXANDRA And we're not getting married. Jesus. MATT (starting the car) Okay, that's enough. We're getting out of here. 67 EXT. NEARBY STREET - KAHALA - DAY 67 Matt's just about to turn back onto Kahala Avenue when -- ALEXANDRA Dad, stop! MATT What? ALEXANDRA Go back. MATT Why? (CONTINUED) 51. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 67 CONTINUED: 67 ALEXANDRA Just go back a couple of houses. Matt does so, checking that the coast is clear. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) There he is. MATT There who is? ALEXANDRA Look. Matt and Sid look toward a HOUSE FOR SALE. At first they don't get it, but soon their gaze drifts to the -- "FOR SALE" SIGN complete with a PHOTO of the broker, none other than -- BRIAN SPEER -- his big white SMILE contrasting starkly with haggard, unshaven Matt's SCOWL. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) Now we know what he looks like. SID Must be pretty handy for a dude having an affair to have some empty houses at his fingertips. (as Matt and Alex look at him) I'm just saying. That's how I'd do it. Alexandra climbs out of the car to grab a FLYER and take a photo of Brian Speer with her phone. 68 EXT. BRIEF MONTAGE 68 Images of Honolulu at DUSK TURNING INTO NIGHT -- STREETLIGHTS turning on across an entire neighborhood, boisterous pau-hana DRINKERS AT A BAR, a bus releasing weary commuters, an overhead shot of the environs of the KING HOUSE. MATT (V.O.) I trusted you. But there was always something about you I didn't trust. The sound of an internal PHONE RING begins. 69 INT. MATT AND LIZ'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 69 A sitting area off the bedroom is where Elizabeth displays her trophies and sports memorabilia. (CONTINUED) 52. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 69 CONTINUED: 69 This is where Matt now sits nursing a whiskey and pressing a PHONE to his ear. BRIAN SPEER (O.S.) Hi, this is Brian Speer at Kaimana- Prudential Realty. Sorry I missed you. Leave a message with your name, number and time of call, and I'll get back to you just as soon as I can. Mahalo. Looking as though he's about to vomit, Matt hangs up, regards the flyer on the coffee table before him. SID (O.S.) Hey, boss. Matt looks up to see Sid in his boxers. SID (CONT'D) Did you call him? MATT None of your business. And put some clothes on. And you're not sleeping in Alex's room. In fact, you should really go home, son. SID Alex wouldn't like that. MATT Guest room. Take it or leave it. SID We're going to do what we're going to do. MATT I'm not going to make it easy for you. SID I'm just fooling with you, man. We're not like that. Guest room's awesome. (then --) Just call him. He's nobody. Raise hell. WIPE TO: 70 INT. MATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 70 Matt sits on the bed, listening once again to Brian Speer's outgoing message. (CONTINUED) 53. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 70 CONTINUED: 70 MATT (on the BEEP) Yeah, hi, Brian. My name's, uh, Herb Fitzmorris. I'm interested in that house you've got on Koloa Street, the one with the plantation shutters. I'm at 645-2796. Thanks. 71 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 71 As Matt leads his daughters toward Elizabeth's room -- MATT Let me go in for just a quick moment alone first. I'll be right out. 72 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 72 Matt closes the glass door behind him and slides the privacy curtain across it. He looks at his wife. She's starting to look different -- her face more gaunt, her hair more matted. Since the last time we saw her, OTHER ITEMS have been added around her bed. Along with draped LEIS, we see a childhood DOLL, DIPLOMAS, and of course SPORTS MEDALS and RIBBONS. An antique QUILT covers her legs. Her father meant it when he said they'd bring her old things. Matt crouches down bedside. MATT You were going to ask me for a divorce? So you could be with some fucking fuckhead Brian Speer? Are you kidding me? Who are you? Because the only thing I know for sure is that you're a goddamned liar. So what do you have to * say for yourself? Go ahead, make a * little joke and tell me I've got it all * wrong. Tell me again I'm too out of touch with my feelings and need to go * to therapy. * (then --) * Isn't the idea of marriage to make your partner's way in life a little easier? For me it was always harder with you. And you're still making it harder. Lying there on a ventilator and still fucking up my life. You're relentless. You know what? I was going to ask you for a divorce some day. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 54. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: 72 MATT (CONT'D) (grabbing a DOLL, tossing it) Daddy's little girl. Matt rises, looks at her motionless face, exhales, gets himself together. MATT (CONT'D) I'm bringing in your daughters now. Alex is home from school. Try to be nice, okay? He slides the curtain open and lets the girls in. SCOTTIE Hi, Mom! Look who's here. Alexandra approaches the bed slowly, startled by the changes in her mother's appearance and knowing the end is near. SCOTTIE (CONT'D) Say something, Alex. People in a coma can hear you. You're supposed to talk to them. ALEXANDRA Hi, Mom. SCOTTIE Tell her how you were drunk the other night. Tell her maybe you're an alcoholic. ALEXANDRA I guess it's in the genes. MATT Girls, be serious. ALEXANDRA Hi, Mom. Sorry for being bad. For wasting your money on expensive private schools. Money you could have used on facials and massages and sports equipment. Sorry for everything. (looking at Matt) Sorry we weren't good enough for you -- especially Dad. MATT Stop it. That's out of line. (CONTINUED) 55. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (2) 72 ALEXANDRA Or what? You going to ground me? Or ship me off to another boarding school? You going to give me a "time out?" MATT Goddammit! Unable, in front of Scottie, to remind Alex that Elizabeth is dying, Matt grabs his older daughter and SPANKS her. SCOTTIE You got served! MATT Scottie, out in the hall. SCOTTIE She's the one out of line. MATT Go find Sid. SCOTTIE He's smoking. I shouldn't be around second-hand smoke. MATT (raising his hand) Now! As Scottie runs outside -- ALEXANDRA Did you just spank me? MATT You have no right to talk to your mother that way. She's going to die in a few days. What if those were your last words? ALEXANDRA I have every right to speak this way. I'm mad at her. How can you be so forgiving? Matt considers this. Of course she didn't see his recent outburst, and he's not about to let on. MATT I'll be angry later. For now let's just think about the good parts. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 56. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (3) 72 MATT (CONT'D) And don't say that stuff in front of your sister. Don't ruin her for Scottie. Say something else. ALEXANDRA Look, Mom, I know we fought a lot. But I always wanted to be like you. I am like you. I'm exactly like you. God, that came out so dramatic. MATT You are like her. Mostly in good ways. Maybe some bad ways. Remains to be seen. Sid saunters inside with Scottie in tow. SID I hear you got spanked. I hear all hell's breaking loose in here. (approaching the bed) Hey, Mrs. K., howzit? I'm Sid, Alex's friend from Punahou, remember? Nice day outside. No clouds. Not too hot. You know what I think? Tough lady like you? I think you're going to make it. I mean, I'm no doctor. What do I know? But that's what I think. Matt squints at Sid. Is he stoned? SID (CONT'D) I'm staying at your place to help Alex out. Don't worry, Mr. K.'s got me on lockdown at night. And I met your dad - - he packs a mean punch. Look at this. (bringing his face closer) Wow. You're beautiful. (to Alexandra) If you look anything like her when you're older, you're lucky. I mean, you know, not exactly like she is now. I mean in general. Sid turns back for a long look at Elizabeth. SCOTTIE (looking at her phone) Reina just texted me! She's here visiting her grandma! Can she come visit? (CONTINUED) 57. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (4) 72 MATT Dammit, Scottie, no Reina. SCOTTIE But you said Thursday, and it's almost Thursday. I don't get to see her in school anymore. MATT Not now. SCOTTIE I need her. Alex needs Sid. I need Reina. Matt looks at Alex, who in turn raises her eyebrows -- what harm could it do? LATER -- Scottie pushes open the door, now accompanied by her friend REINA, 12, who looks around as if the room is dirty. She wears a terry-cloth tennis skirt and hooded terry-cloth sweatshirt. SCOTTIE (CONT'D) Dad, this is Reina. Reina, that's my sister and Sid, and that's my mom on the bed. REINA Hi, everybody. Alex and Matt look at each other, bewildered. Scottie leads Reina to the bed and touches her mother's shoulder. REINA (CONT'D) So this is your mother? I guess it's true. Should I shake her hand? SCOTTIE If you want. REINA No, thanks. MATT So, Reina, I hear your grandmother's not feeling well. (CONTINUED) 58. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (5) 72 REINA Yeah. It's pretty bad. She got her stomach operated on and then got some stupid infection or something. It's pretty gross. MATT Well, Reina, thanks for stopping by, and, here, Scottie, let me give you some money, and you two can go get an ice cream or something... REINA Too many carbs. MATT Carbs. Well, you could go to the cafeteria and get some lettuce. REINA That's okay. I'm done. (to Scottie, on her way out) You aren't a liar after all. SCOTTIE Don't you want to hang out? REINA No, I should go. I'll see you at the club. Hope your mom gets better. Exit Reina. ALEXANDRA Scottie, what'd she mean by "You aren't a liar after all?" What'd she think you were lying about? SCOTTIE She didn't believe Mom was sleeping. ALEXANDRA So you had to prove to that twat that Mom's in a coma? What the fuck is in your skull, a bunch of stupid pills? SCOTTIE Shut up, you motherless whore! SID Whoa, whoa, easy there, half-pipe. (CONTINUED) 59. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (6) 72 MATT Where'd you learn how to talk like that? Scottie points at Alex. Matt's PHONE RINGS. He pulls it out to silence it but notices the CALLER ID -- KAIMANA-PRUDENTIAL REAL ESTATE. He freezes. Sensing something, Alex calmly grabs the phone from him and glances at it. ALEXANDRA Hello? No, you've got the right number. This is his assistant Sharon. How may I help you? Alex listens. Scottie has no idea what's going on, but it sure is fun. SCOTTIE Who is it? ALEXANDRA Oh, I see. And for how long? Uh-huh. Okay. So one or the other. I'll tell him. Mahalo. Alexandra hangs up, proud. Matt's proud too. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) That was Bonnie Tanaka, a realtor. She says Mr. Speer is on Kaua'i till the 18th, but she'd be happy to show you the house or you can stop by the open house on Sunday. 73 EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 73 MANY CARS are parked outside. 74 INT/EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 74 PLATTERS of sashimi, fruit, ahi poke and salads lie atop the antique koa dining room table. LONGTIME FRIENDS, 40s to 70s, mingle in the living room and around the pool. We spot Mark and Kai. 60. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 75 INT. KING KITCHEN - DAY 75 Matt is spacing out alone, perhaps mentally rehearsing his speech. Awkward teen BUZZ happens by. BUZZ Hi, Mr. King. MATT Hello, Buzz. BUZZ Sorry about Mrs. King. Hope she gets better real soon. MATT Thanks. BUZZ It really blows. Matt nods, swigs his drink. Buzz now feels emboldened to reveal the cocktail concealed behind his back. BUZZ (CONT'D) Please don't tell my mom I'm drinking. MATT I won't. BUZZ Sometimes I steal beers from your outdoor fridge. MATT I know. Buzz slinks off. MATT (PRE-LAP) (CONT'D) You've all been asking about Elizabeth, and I've given vague answers. But the reason I've asked you all to come over today is to tell you... 76 INT. KING LIVING ROOM - DAY 76 Matt addresses the gathering. MATT ...that her coma is permanent. She's not going to make it. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 61. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 76 CONTINUED: 76 MATT (CONT'D) This week -- tomorrow, in fact -- as per her wishes, we're going to unhook her from life-support. (holding for gasps) You all know Elizabeth -- she always likes to do things on her own. Goddammit. (almost losing it) I wanted to tell you all in person. You're all our dear friends, our best friends. And the girls and I appreciate so much all the ways you've helped these last few weeks -- bringing food, calling... ONE GUEST Can we see her? MATT Yes, for God's sake, yes. That's the whole point. Go see her as soon as possible. That's what I wanted to tell you. It should be now, not after. Everyone who loves her deserves a chance to say goodbye. 77 EXT. KING HOUSE DRIVEWAY - DUSK OR NIGHT 77 Matt waves goodbye to the last guests as they drive off, then turns back toward his house. Halfway there, his exhaustion forces him to COLLAPSE onto the moist lawn. Sitting there, he comes to a REALIZATION -- not one he wants, but he knows he must deal with it regardless. ALEXANDRA (PRE-LAP) You've lost your mind. 78 INT. MATT'S STUDY - NIGHT 78 Matt is catching up on WORK and has a DICTAPHONE in his hand. Alex hovers in the doorway. ALEXANDRA You mean him? Tell him to say goodbye? MATT I'll only be gone a day or so. I'll leave in the morning, and be back tomorrow night. If it takes another day, fine -- I'll give it two days tops. If I don't find him, at least I tried. (CONTINUED) 62. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 78 CONTINUED: 78 ALEXANDRA Drop it, Dad. You've got way bigger fish to fry than confronting fucking Brian Speer. Are you recording this? MATT I'm summarizing a deposition. ALEXANDRA How can you work? MATT How can you go to a movie? ALEXANDRA To get Scottie out of the house. And you're going to tell him to come back and see Mom. MATT I think... I just think she would want him to know. ALEXANDRA Just call his office and say it's an emergency. MATT On the phone he can escape. In person he has nowhere to go. I want to see his face. I want to change his life. Alexander senses his resolve -- it's kind of refreshing, actually -- then breaks into a wicked little smile. ALEXANDRA Then I want to go too. MATT No, you stay with Scottie. ALEXANDRA Fuck that. Let's all get out of town. 79 EXT. AIRPORT - DAY 79 A Hawaiian Airlines inter-island airplane takes off. 80 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY 80 Matt sits isolated from his daughters and Sid across the aisle from him. 63. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 81 INSERT -- MAP OF THE ISLANDS 81 A DOTTED LINE goes from Honolulu to Lihue. 82 EXT. KAUAI AIRPORT - DAY 82 Matt leads his daughters and Sid toward the rental car shuttle when -- COUSIN RALPH (O.S.) Yo, Matt King! Matt turns to see COUSIN RALPH loping over, briefcase in hand. Like Matt, he wears the island businessman's uniform -- Khakis and a Reyn's Spooner shirt. Grinning and nodding, Cousin Ralph gives Matt a back-slap hug and greets Scottie and Alexandra, whose names he clearly forgets. COUSIN RALPH (CONT'D) Whatcha doing here? MATT Just came over for a day or two. COUSIN RALPH Yeah, I just got back from Kahului. A little business over there. MATT Yeah. COUSIN RALPH All right. So you here to talk to some of the cousins? Make sure everybody's happy with your choice? Pay your respects to Cousin Hugh? Matt's smiles to cover the fact that he hasn't actually been thinking about this stuff. MATT No, no, nothing like that. Just a little holoholo. Get the kids out of town. COUSIN RALPH But it is Holitzer, right? We all know it's Holitzer. Cousin Hugh wants him, they go way back. I got my misgivings, though. It's not the highest bid by a longshot. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 64. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 82 CONTINUED: 82 COUSIN RALPH (CONT'D) There's an argument to be made for maxing it out. We only do this once in a lifetime. And in this economy -- MATT Yeah, no, I know. I want to work with you guys, Ralph, I really do. Whatever the majority wants, I'll go along with it. Let's just get it over with. COUSIN RALPH How's Elizabeth doing? She going to be okay? MATT The same. COUSIN RALPH Well, she's a tough gal. She'll be okay. Yeah. Say, where you going, Hanalei? MATT Yeah, Princeville. COUSIN RALPH Come on. I'll give you a ride. 83 EXT. COUSIN RALPH'S JEEP - DAY 83 It's an open jeep with bad shocks, and Cousin Ralph drives fast. The passengers hold on, their hair blown back. MATT Hey, Ralph. COUSIN RALPH Yeah. MATT Turn off over here. Let's go see the land. COUSIN RALPH Take a last look, huh? MATT You got time? COUSIN RALPH I got nothing but time. 65. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 84 EXT. TURNOFF POINT - DAY 84 Cousin Ralph makes a turn and heads inland. 85 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY 85 The Jeep stops at a FENCE, where a HERD OF CATTLE graze on the other side. Matt jumps out to let the jeep through. RALPH I think this is where a golf course is going to be. They want the golf course to rival Pebble Beach, you know, bring in the big boys. 86 EXT. BUMPY ACCESS ROAD - DAY 86 The Jeep ascends through pastoral countryside. 87 EXT. LOOKOUT POINT - DAY 87 The Jeep stops at the overlook of an astonishingly beautiful swath of land extending from hilltop to bay. All get out, walk to the edge, look out. SID Are you shitting me? You guys own all this land? MATT Not personally. It belongs to a trust. But yeah, it's ours for a few more days. RALPH The other side of that ridge too. You can't see it from here. It's like this, but a little flatter and doesn't have as nice a bay. SID This is outrageous. COUSIN RALPH (pointing, to Matt) Yep. Big resort there on that point. Commercial area over there, houses all through there. I think they should put in a big zip-line. Hell, we should have put in a zip-line. All continue to ogle this awe-inspiring sight. (CONTINUED) 66. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 87 CONTINUED: 87 RALPH Of course, part of me agrees with the cousins who don't want to sell. They're going to make a pretty big stink at the meeting. MATT I know, but we have to sell. The trust has to dissolve in seven years, and if we haven't sold, it'll be a huge mess. Selling now and distributing the cash is the only clean way to do it. RALPH But it's a shame, yeah? On the other hand, hey, it's just sitting there. No one's using it. At least this way the whole world will be able to enjoy it. MATT (to his daughters) Take a good look, girls. In the old days, this was part of your great-great grandmother's inheritance going all the way back to Kamehameha I. With them, we look across this land, vivid and verdant. ALEXANDRA Down there is where Mom and I would camp. MATT We all did, all our lives. A lot of memories. SCOTTIE What about me? I want to camp. I wish we lived in the old days. ALEXANDRA We do. We still do. (to Matt) Do we really have to sell? MATT Doing anything else would get extremely complicated. A lot of your cousins just want the money. Everything has its time. SCOTTIE I want us to keep it! (CONTINUED) 67. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 87 CONTINUED: (2) 87 Matt looks over at Scottie, then at Alexandra. It's clear that Alexandra is moved by this sight. SID Can you like specify what businesses they'll put here? Because you should totally get a Cheesecake Factory. Only one so far's in Waikiki, and it's awesome. You definitely need a Cheesecake Factory. And Taco John's. MOMENTS LATER -- The Kings approach a nearby MONUMENT commemorating "John Lowell "Keoni" King. 1899 - 1974. The plaque depicts a smiling man atop a horse. MATT (to the girls) My grandfather. He really loved this place. So did your mother. So does your mother. 88 EXT. COUSIN RALPH'S JEEP - DAY 88 Cousin Ralph turns off the Kuhio Highway and into PRINCEVILLE, which greets visitors with an immense faux- Italian FOUNTAIN. 89 EXT. PRINCEVILLE - DAY 89 Passing through this immense development, Matt notices the names of the condo complexes: The Sand Piper, The Island Tropic, etc. And he observes TOURISTS along the edge of the golf course, with their visors and fanny packs. 90 EXT. ST. REGIS HOTEL FRONT DOORS - DAY 90 Ralph drops our friends off. 91 INT. ST. REGIS HOTEL LOBBY - DAY 91 Alex and Sid slump against a marble pillar. Scottie has taken her shoes off to slide across the shiny floor. AT THE FRONT DESK -- CLERK Here's your credit card back, Mr. King. And how many keycards will you be needing today for your deluxe suite? (CONTINUED) 68. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 91 CONTINUED: 91 MATT Let's say three. By the way. I'm supposed to meet a buddy of mine I think is staying here. Brian Speer. S- P-E-E-R. CLERK (checking computer) I'm not showing anyone by that name. MATT Thanks. 92 INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY 92 Moving in. LATER -- Matt is on the telephone, nodding gravely. MATT No, I understand. Okay. Thanks. Matt hangs up, blinks a few times, spaces out a moment. Then he slides open the glass door to the -- 93 EXT. HOTEL SUITE LANAI - DAY 93 -- where he finds Alexandra smoking. MATT Put that out, will you please? Alex shoots him a look, then stamps out the butt on the bottom of her shoe. MATT (CONT'D) You could at least smoke lights. Like Sid. ALEXANDRA I could. MATT Just got off the phone with Dr. Johnston. They did what they had to do a couple hours ago. They've moved her to another floor. They say she seems comfortable, still breathing on her own. She's doing okay. (CONTINUED) 69. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 93 CONTINUED: 93 Alexandra nods at this news and looks off. Matt joins her in gazing out at Hanalei Bay. MATT (CONT'D) So how are you doing, Alex? ALEXANDRA What do you mean? You mean considering Mom's... circling the drain? MATT No, I mean other than that. In general. You haven't been using, have you? ALEXANDRA No, Jesus, I'm not using. MATT Not at all? I smell pot all the time on Sid. ALEXANDRA That's Sid. MATT So you just stopped? Really? ALEXANDRA Look, Dad, it's no big deal. Kids do drugs and they stop. Unless they're like super-ghetto. And you sent me to boarding school, remember? I couldn't get anything anymore. So no, I'm not doing any drugs. But I still think they're fun. Okay, maybe a little pot once in a while. MATT And a little drinking. She can't deny that. MATT (CONT'D) Why are you being so honest? ALEXANDRA Mom's dying. MATT Yeah, well, I'm proud of you. (CONTINUED) 70. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 93 CONTINUED: (2) 93 ALEXANDRA Not much to be proud of. MATT Yeah, there is. We shipped you off. Let them handle it. And now you're here, helping with Scottie, helping me. Thanks. ALEXANDRA You want to know what really pisses me off? That she wouldn't end it. Not even when she knew she was busted. How are we supposed to feel about that? MATT I guess she really liked him. ALEXANDRA So how are we going to find this guy, Sherlock? MATT Right. Well, why don't you two take Scottie to the beach? I'm going to call around a little. We're on an island, for Christ's sake. Everything's just one degree of separation. ALEXANDRA (getting up) We'll find him. 94 EXT. ST. REGIS BEACH - DAY 94 Matt scans the BEACH as he ambles toward Sid and his daughters lying on towels. Scottie is snuggled close to Sid. Matt notices LUMPS OF SAND stuffed into Scottie's bikini top. MATT Hey, what's in your suit? SCOTTIE They're my beach boobs. MATT Take that out. Right now. Alex, Jesus, why'd you let her do that? You too, Sid. Lying on her stomach, Alex lifts her head. (CONTINUED) 71. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 94 CONTINUED: 94 ALEXANDRA I don't know. Take them out, stupid. SID Yeah, Scottie. Honestly. Big boobs look kind of fatty. Scowling, Scottie gets up and starts pulling the sand out of her suit as she stomps toward the water. ALEXANDRA Any luck? MATT The hotels were a dead end, but I took another shot with his office. He's definitely in Hanalei renting a house somewhere -- probably one of those cottages around the bay. Who wants to go for a walk? SID Sounds good. Matt grimaces -- not whom he was hoping for. Alex ties the straps of her bikini and flips over. ALEXANDRA Yeah, let's go. Scottie! 95 MOMENTS LATER -- 95 Our friends weave their way among BEACH-GOERS. Matt has thought to bring along a print-out of Brian Speer's PHOTO, which he and Alex glance at discreetly. Sid trails behind. SCOTTIE (catching up to Matt) Can we swim with the sharks? I read in the hotel magazine how they put you in a cage in the ocean and throw shark feed in the water and sharks swim right up to you. Can we do that? ALEXANDRA Scottie, we're not really here to do stuff like that. 96 EXT. HANALEI BAY - PINE TREES - DAY 96 The sun approaches the horizon. (CONTINUED) 72. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 96 CONTINUED: 96 Father, daughters and Sid have walked past people and houses. Now they're walking just to be walking. We see them from a distance, although we hear them very close. SCOTTIE How'd you and Mom meet? MATT I was with a law school buddy from the mainland, and I took him to the club. We were just coming in from paddling, and your mom was on her way out, and she looked at me and said, "Do you think it's going to snow today?" We all got beers when she came back in. I had already seen her around. That was it. I got her number. SCOTTIE Did you think she was pretty? MATT She knocked me out. SCOTTIE What do you love about her? MATT I love... I don't know. The way we are with each other, most of the time, anyway. I love how she's more capable of feeling joy than anyone I've ever known. I just like being with her, just riding bikes or going out to dinner, even if it's just a plate lunch at Rainbow's. Years ago we used to do a lot of paddling together. ALEXANDRA Can we drop this? Jesus. (mimicking) "What do you love about Mom, Daddy?" Shut up, already. (to Matt) And stop babying her. MATT Easy, Alex. We're just talking. 97 EXT. HANALEI BAY FOREST AREA - LATE AFTERNOON 97 Our friends continue walking, this time amid THICK TREES along the shoreline. Again we see them from afar. (CONTINUED) 73. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 97 CONTINUED: 97 MATT Your mom got chased by a shark once. Very close call. ALEXANDRA When was that? MATT We were on Moloka'i with Mark and Kai, and your mom was out surfing and saw a shark right beneath her on a wave. Like right beneath her. She got down on her stomach and started paddling like crazy, and this big fin kept following her. She even paddled up onto the nearest rocks instead of all the way to shore. Got cuts all over her legs and hands. Only time I ever saw your mother scared, and she was really scared. She even threw up. Crying and shaking. I had to hold her for a long time. She really thought she was going to die. Of course she hid all that from the Mitchells, turned it into a funny "Me-versus-a-shark" story. I told her... ALEXANDRA Yeah? MATT I told her it wasn't her time yet. They continue in silence a few moments. SCOTTIE I wish Mom was here. 98 EXT. ST. REGIS HOTEL BEACH AREA - LATE AFTERNOON 98 The sun is now very low on the horizon as our friends make their way back to the hotel. Again we see them from a distance. MATT I'll ask you that same question, Scottie. What do you love about Mom? SCOTTIE Lots of stuff. She's not old and ugly like other moms. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 74. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 98 CONTINUED: 98 SCOTTIE (CONT'D) I like her stories -- like how she streaked at the wedding and the time she beat a wild pig with a shoe. How about you, Alex? ALEXANDRA Why are we still talking about this? (then --) I like how she's not afraid of anything. 99 INT. HOTEL SUITE SITTING ROOM - NIGHT 99 The four are splayed out watching TV amid the messy remains of ROOM SERVICE DINNER. Alexandra and Scottie wield the REMOTE and stumble upon the channels promoting direct-access ADULT MOVIES. SCOTTIE Let's watch one of these! ALEXANDRA We're not watching porn. SCOTTIE Reina's dad watches pornos. Reina calls them masturbation movies. Her dad has some. She plays them when her parents aren't home and one time invited boys over to see if they grew down there. One did. SID Reina's awesome. MATT Were you there? Have you seen any of those movies? SCOTTIE No. ALEXANDRA You've got to watch her with the internet. And Reina's dad. Scottie, Reina is a fucked-up ho-bag, and you need to stay away from her. Do you want to end up like me? SCOTTIE Yes. (CONTINUED) 75. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 99 CONTINUED: 99 ALEXANDRA I mean the earlier me, when I was mean to you and yelling at mom all the time. SCOTTIE No. ALEXANDRA Well, Reina's going to be a meth-head, and she's going to get used by stupid guys. She's a twat. Say it. SCOTTIE She's a twat. (running across the room) Twat, twat, twat, twat! MATT Stop that! (to Alexandra) I don't get it. I don't know what to do... these things she does. What goes on in her head? You weren't like that. ALEXANDRA It'll go away. MATT I'm not so sure. I mean, look how you kids talk in front of me. It's like you don't respect authority. Alex looks at him -- authority? 100 INT. HOTEL SUITE BEDROOM - NIGHT 100 Matt tosses and turns, gets up and goes to the bathroom. MOMENTS LATER -- Exiting the bathroom, he decides he should make a routine inspection and wanders into -- 101 INT. HOTEL SUITE SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 101 -- where he eyes a lump on the FOLD-OUT BED. He creeps up when Sid awakens. SID Hey, what's up? MATT Hi. (CONTINUED) 76. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 101 CONTINUED: 101 SID Checking on me or something? A sheepish look on his face, Matt takes a seat on the edge of the bed. MATT I don't, uh... I haven't been sleeping very much lately. SID Understandable. MATT I'm worried about my daughters. I'm worried there's something wrong with them. SID I used to do some messed-up shit when I was a kid. Still do. It's going to get worse after your wife dies. MATT What does Alex really think about this stuff that's going on? What does she say? SID She doesn't. MATT What do you mean? I thought she talks to you all the time. SID We don't really talk about our like "issues." We just, I don't know, we deal with our shit by talking about other stuff and having a good time. MATT What would you do if you were me? How would you handle my daughters? How would you handle... the situation of this guy we're trying to find? Matt can't believe what he just asked, but he's desperate for clues from even the unlikeliest source. (CONTINUED) 77. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 101 CONTINUED: (2) 101 SID I told you what I'd do -- I'd lay his nuts on a dresser and hit `em with a spiked bat. With the daughters, I don't know. I'd take them on a trip. Or no, I'd buy `em a bunch of shit. Like with all the money you're going to get when you sell the land -- you're going to make stupid money, right? -- dude, you could buy them anything. Matt questions his sanity at having asked Sid any advice. MATT Do you want some of it? Some money? SID Sure. MATT If I gave you a lot of money right now, tonight, would you leave? SID Why would I leave? MATT No, Sid, I'm asking you a favor. If I give you money, will you leave? SID Oh. I get it. Is that what you want? You want me to go? MATT I guess not. SID Look, dude, you're right. If I had daughters, I wouldn't know what to do. Exchange them for sons, I guess. MATT Then I might wind up with something like you. SID I'm not so bad. I'm smart. MATT You're about a hundred miles away from Smartville. No offense. (CONTINUED) 78. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 101 CONTINUED: (3) 101 SID You're mistaken, counselor. I'm smart. I have good hygiene. I'm an decent guitarist, a good cook. I cook food all the time. I'm vice-president of the Punahou chess club. And I always have weed. MATT I'm sure your parents are proud. SID It's possible. My mom's sort of busy right now. MATT What does she do, your mom? SID She's a receptionist at a pet clinic. But mostly she's been getting the house together after my dad died. My dad died a few months ago. At first refusing to fall for it, Matt sees this is no prank. SID (CONT'D) November 24th. Drunk driver. Actually both drivers were drunk. Yeah. Sid smiles and nods as though to make Matt feel better about the sad news he just shared. MATT Goodnight, Sid. I'll see you tomorrow. SID Goodnight, boss. 102 EXT. HANALEI BAY - DAWN 102 SUNRISE. Matt JOGS along the nearly empty beach -- just a few surf FISHERMAN and PADDLERS. He's clearly out of shape but makes a good effort. ANOTHER GUY jogs toward Matt wearing a "Stanford Lacrosse" T- shirt and running shorts with long slits up the sides. BRIAN SPEER! They pass each other. Matt continues on a moment in disbelief, then TURNS AROUND and follows. His strides long and efficient, Brian gives Matt a run for his money. (CONTINUED) 79. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 102 CONTINUED: 102 Soon Brian cuts up the beach toward one of the COTTAGES that line the bay. Matt follows, awkwardly trying to appear nonchalant. MATT (under his breath) Hi, you don't know me, but I know you. Hi, you don't know me, but I know you. Brian Speer, right? Hi, I'm Liz's husband. That's right. Fuckface. Brian disappears up a little PATH through a HEDGE. Matt quickens his pace toward -- 103 EXT. HANALEI BEACH COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS 103 -- where he spies on Brian walking across a wide lawn toward a lovely OLD COTTAGE. MATT Hi. You don't know me, but I know you. Brian disappears inside, emerging moments later chugging GATORADE. Courage gathered, Matt is about to charge forward when he stops short -- the door opens again, and out comes a beautiful WOMAN in a white bathing suit and white sun hat. Then two LITTLE BOYS. Fucker's got a family. Not the right moment. 104 EXT. HANALEI BAY - DAY 104 The sun is higher, and the BEACH is growing populated. Matt sits on the sand, glancing occasionally back toward the cottage. Next to him lie his daughters and Sid. Suddenly TWO BOYS -- Brian's kids -- come running through the hedge and past Matt on their way into the water. Matt turns around to see Brian's wife JULIE SPEER dutifully trailing behind. JULIE Stay in the zone, please! That means you, Skylar. And you too, Colt. MATT (low) Skylar and Colt? (CONTINUED) 80. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 104 CONTINUED: 104 Matt watches the little boys flop into the surf. Mrs. Speer follows, wading in up to her calves. Matt stands to look whether Brian is coming down to the beach too. No such luck. MATT (CONT'D) (to Alex) I'll be right back. Matt gets to his feet, brushes off sand, and walks casually toward Mrs. Speer, maintaining a comfortable distance. Alexandra watches. IN THE SURF -- Matt takes up a casual stance near Mrs. Speer and pretends to look out at the water, just hanging out. Mrs. Speer continues to keep a watchful eye on her boisterous boys. MATT (CONT'D) Looks like you got yourself a handful with those two. JULIE Yeah. MATT Must keep you pretty busy. JULIE They're pretty non-stop, but they're at a really fun age. MATT How old are they? JULIE SPEER Eight and ten. MATT (pointing) I have two girls. Ten and seventeen. That whole non-stop thing. That never changes. JULIE SPEER You guys live here? MATT We live on O'ahu. (CONTINUED) 81. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 104 CONTINUED: (2) 104 JULIE SPEER Oh, so do we. MATT Yeah, I'm just getting my girls out of town for a couple days. Their, uh, their mother is in the hospital, so I thought I'd give them a little break. JULIE Oh, no. MATT She'll be fine. JULIE What's wrong? If you don't mind my asking. MATT Just a little boating accident. Hit her head a little too hard. Does Julie recognize any of this, or even recognize him? Doesn't seem like it. JULIE A sailboat? Or one with a motor? MATT (laughs, then --) One with a motor. She's actually sort of charming, this Julie Speer. JULIE Well, good luck with that. I wish her well. Skylar, don't go so far! MATT You guys staying in one of the cottages over there? JULIE Yes, my husband had to come here for work, so we thought we'd all make a little vacation of it. He knows the owner, so -- MATT Hugh King. (CONTINUED) 82. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 104 CONTINUED: (3) 104 JULIE That's right. MATT He's my cousin. JULIE Oh. Then you probably know my husband. Brian Speer? That hangs there a moment. Matt suppresses the sudden desire to spill the beans. MATT No, can't say as I do. JULIE Oh, I just assumed, since he's been -- SCOTTIE Dad! Dad, come here! Something bit me! Matt looks over to see Scottie very agitated about something. MATT Excuse me. Nice talking to you. JULIE You too. Take care. Matt trots off. 105 A MONTAGE -- 105 Images of Hanalei as the sun begins to set over the magnificent taro fields. Wind rustles the trees. Mist falls into the valley. MATT (V.O.) How can I forgive her for loving someone else? Did she even know about his family? Was she that in love? Does she miss him from her coma? Does she wish he could be with her and not me? 106 EXT. HANALEI TOWN - DUSK 106 Our friends walk along roadside tourist shops toward -- 83. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 INT. TAHITI NUI RESTAURANT - DUSK 107 A lived-in hangout with a wood interior, woven mats on the walls, and tables carved into with steak knives. A UKULELE CLUB jams in a corner. As our foursome enter the joint, Matt notices -- COUSIN HUGH yucking it up at the BAR with other REGULARS. MATT (to Alexandra) There's Cousin Hugh. Get us a table. Order me something. ALEXANDRA Like what? MATT Anything. AT THE BAR -- Matt wedges his way in beside his third cousin, who despite his booziness and very local flavor is nonetheless a King family patriarch. COUSIN HUGH Heeey! Mattie-boy! What are you doing here? I didn't expect to see you until the meeting. He looks over his shoulder to see whom Matt might have come in with. COUSIN HUGH (CONT'D) Is that...? MATT Yeah, Scottie and Alex. COUSIN HUGH Big girls now! So what are you doing here, man? MATT Just getting the girls out of the hospital for a couple days, you know, change of scenery. (CONTINUED) 84. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 CONTINUED: 107 COUSIN HUGH Yeah, boy, what you've been going through. That's a tough deal. (taking a drink) But Elizabeth, hey, she's, she's a tough gal, I'll tell you that. A fighter. She'll make it. Get you a drink? MATT Sure, what're you having? COUSIN HUGH Barney, an old-fashioned for my cousin here. Nice to see you, Matt. How you been otherwise? MATT Not much otherwise. Between our business and the hospital, you know, I've just trying to keep my head above water. So listen, I see you have some people staying in the cottage. COUSIN HUGH Oh, hey, Mattie, if I'd known you were coming, I coulda -- MATT No, no, no, I'm just wondering about the guy you're renting to. I think his name is Brian Speer. COUSIN HUGH Yeah, yeah, real determined son-of-a- bitch. He's Lou's sister's... No, wait. Lou has a sister, and the sister's husband... Lou's brother-in- law is cousins with that guy. MATT Huh? Who's Lou? COUSIN HUGH No, wait. You mean the cottages on the bay or the cottage back by the trail? MATT The bay. The guy with the wife and two boys. (CONTINUED) 85. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 CONTINUED: (2) 107 COUSIN HUGH Yeah, that's right. Determined son-of- a-bitch. Anyway, the point is the guy we're doing business with is that guy's brother-in-law. Works for him. MATT Brian Speer. COUSIN HUGH That's the guy. MATT What do you mean, the guy we're doing business with? COUSIN HUGH Who do you think? Don Holitzer. MATT Holitzer. COUSIN HUGH That's what I'm saying. That's Don's brother-in-law in the cottage. You don't know him? I would have thought you'd know him. He's a realtor over by you. So if we sell to Don -- and that's what we're going to do, right? That's what you want too. Nice guy, Don. He'll do right by us. Then when Don develops and re-sells and leases and all that -- MATT Yeah, yeah -- COUSIN HUGH He's letting this brother-in-law in the cottage handle the transactions. A lot of them, anyway. Big score for that guy. It takes a moment for this stone to drop to the bottom of Matt's well. MATT What's he like? COUSIN HUGH Who? (CONTINUED) 86. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 CONTINUED: (3) 107 MATT Brian Speer -- what else do you know about him? COUSIN HUGH Not much. He's lucky. The bugga's lucky. His sister is married to the guy. Son-of-a-bitch is going to make a shitload of money on commissions. MATT Not if we don't go with that bid. Cousin Hugh's eyes emerge momentarily from their drunken fog to give Matt a firm, steely warning. COUSIN HUGH We all want Don. You do too, Matt. You've said as much. MATT No, I know. You're right. Okay. Well. Good to see you, Hugh. COUSIN HUGH You too. MATT See you at the meeting. COUSIN HUGH I'll be there. TRACK TO THE TABLE firmly on MATT'S FACE as he processes this horrifying news delivered so casually. AT THE TABLE -- Matt takes a seat. Scottie and Sid eat fried appetizers. Alexandra just sits watching the musicians. SID This place rocks. SCOTTIE Totally. ALEXANDRA We ordered you mahi. (CONTINUED) 87. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 CONTINUED: (4) 107 MATT (low) Great. The music grows more frenetic. Matt looks around the room, alienated from everything -- from the fried food and the tourists, from the umbrellas in the drinks, from his daughters enjoying the music and this cretin called Sid. Why can't a nuclear bomb blow the whole island up right now? 108 EXT. THE ROAD BY THE BAY - SUNSET 108 The light is swiftly fading, and our heroes are little more than SILHOUETTES as they walk back to the hotel. Sid and Scottie talk and laugh together. Alex walks with her father. MATT So, guess what. Turns out Brian Speer is connected to Don Holitzer. ALEXANDRA Who's Don Holitzer? MATT The guy we're going to sell to. And that woman today at the beach. That was his wife. ALEXANDRA Whose wife? (then --) The hottie with the hat? You sure? (off his nod) So he's married. Nice. Why didn't you say anything? MATT It's him I want to talk to, not her. I know where their cottage is. ALEXANDRA You do? So let's do it right now. Let's go knock on his door. MATT That's what I'm saying. Alexandra quietly exults. (CONTINUED) 88. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 108 CONTINUED: 108 MATT (CONT'D) Don't do that. Don't be excited. This isn't fun. ALEXANDRA Well, it's what we came here to do. MATT So you to talk to his wife while I talk to him. And figure out some way to distract Scottie and their kids. ALEXANDRA Got it. Sid, come here! A109 MOMENTS LATER -- A109 The team are gathered for a little huddle. ALEXANDRA Listen, Dad and I are going to go talk to some friends while Sid takes you back to the hotel, okay? SCOTTIE I want to come too. SID I don't. Who wants to sit around talking in some house? Let's ditch these losers and go watch some serious TV. SCOTTIE Yeah! As they walk away -- SID (to Matt, low) Give `em hell, boss. 109 EXT. HANALEI BAY COTTAGE - NIGHT 109 Zero hour. Matt and Alexandra approach the cottage from the road and start to walk around it toward the beach. ALEXANDRA Are you ready? MATT No. What should I say? (CONTINUED) 89. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: 109 ALEXANDRA You'll think of something. You're a lawyer. MATT I'm sorry for sucking you into this. I should be doing this alone. It's selfish of me. ALEXANDRA I'm the one who sucked you in. I'm the one who knew. Just as they are round the house toward the lanai, Julie Speer backs out of the screen door with a plate of hamburger patties. Alex nudges Matt. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) Don't be a pussy. MATT (stiffly) Hi there! The screen door slams. Julie looks over. MATT (CONT'D) It's the guy from the beach today. JULIE Oh, hello. MATT Yeah, hey, I'm such an idiot. I just figured out I do know your husband. My daughter and I were on our way back to the hotel from dinner, and we thought we'd drop by and say howdy. ALEXANDRA (mouthing) Howdy? JULIE Great. Come on up. MATT I'm Matt King. This is Alexandra. JULIE I'm Julie Speer. Yeah, I thought that was you. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 90. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: (2) 109 JULIE (CONT'D) You've been in the paper so much lately. I figured you had to know Brian. He's been pretty involved. MATT Yeah, no, I know, yeah, super-involved. Maybe I've met him in passing. I don't know. JULIE So, I guess you guys are deciding really soon. A couple of days, right -- you and your family meet? I'm sorry. That's probably a conflict of interest or something. MATT No, it's okay. You're right -- it'll all be over in a couple of days. JULIE You guys want a burger? MATT We just ate, thanks. JULIE A drink then. As Alex and Matt agree, a figure appears at the screen door. BRIAN SPEER emerges, a bag of BUNS in one hand. BRIAN SPEER Hi, I'm Brian. MATT Brian, we may have met before. Matt King. My wife is Elizabeth King. I think you may have met her too. Our daughter Alexandra. Brian's big GRIN WILTS. JULIE I was just going to get drinks. BRIAN SPEER Good, good. Good. Matt nudges Alexandra, who suddenly remembers her duty. ALEXANDRA Do you need help? (CONTINUED) 91. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: (3) 109 JULIE (over her shoulder) No, no, I got it. Alex is glad to keep her ringside seat for the moment. All buckle their mental seatbelts. MATT Elizabeth is dying. Oh, wait. Fuck you. And she's dying. We unhooked her from the machines this morning. She'll be dead in a few days. ALEXANDRA We're not here to hurt you. We just thought she'd want you to know. As they've plotted, Alex and Matt study Brian's paralyzed face. They exchange a glance, then look back at him. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) This is him? Why would she go for him? MATT Beats me. Well, he's very articulate. BRIAN SPEER I can't... I'm sorry. I never thought it would come to this. ALEXANDRA You're sorry my mom's going to die? You're sorry you fucked her? You're sorry you fucked over my dad? BRIAN SPEER I'm sorry for all of it. MATT Look, pal, like she said, I'm not here to wreck your life. I just came to give you a chance to go to the hospital. I don't know how long you're planning on being here, but I'm sure you can think of an excuse to leave. ALEXANDRA You must be good at that. MATT You can be alone with her to say goodbye or whatever you want. Do you hear what I'm saying? (CONTINUED) 92. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: (4) 109 Brian seems deeply lost in his own thoughts. Then -- BRIAN SPEER Okay, look, I can't have you here. You understand. Julie returns with wine for Matt and a soda for Alex. JULIE Here we go. (noticing) Everyone's so serious. Please don't tell me you're talking about business. ALEXANDRA We're talking about love. JULIE That's nice. Brian, call the boys in for dinner. BRIAN SPEER They're fine. Let them play a while longer. They all stand there a moment. Matt's unsure how to play this out. He shoots a quick panicked look at Alex, who scrambles to keep the ball rolling. ALEXANDRA Awesome cottage you're renting. MATT Yeah, say, prime Hanalei location. I used to come here as a kid before it was a vacation rental. Alex, your great-uncle Warren and Aunt Lillian built it back in the 20s. Haven't been inside in years. JULIE Come on. We'll give you a tour. ALEXANDRA Or, Brian, maybe you could give my dad a little walk down memory lane, and Julie and I can chat out here. MATT Yeah, I'd like that, if you don't mind. Just a quick look. (CONTINUED) 93. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: (5) 109 BRIAN SPEER Sure. But it's not like I live here. Matt walks up to the door, making a point to let Brian open it for him. 110 INT. HANALEI BAY COTTAGE - NIGHT 110 Brian sweeps his hand around the room. BRIAN SPEER Here it is. MATT How did you meet? I'm curious. For a moment Brian looks tricked, as if Matt really did just want a tour of the house. BRIAN SPEER I can't do this. MATT Neither can I. How did you meet? BRIAN SPEER I thought you said you came here just to tell me. MATT I changed my mind. And I can't very well ask her the details. How'd you meet? BRIAN SPEER At a party. MATT What party? BRIAN SPEER Super Bowl party. MATT (figuring it out) At the Mitchells'. BRIAN SPEER Does that help? Does that make it better? (CONTINUED) 94. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 110 CONTINUED: 110 MATT Hey, I'm doing you a favor here. I could go out there right now and fuck you up, so get a better attitude. Then what? How'd you get the nerve to ask her out? Brian drops his head, rubs his temples. MATT (CONT'D) I want to know what makes a person cross that line. Was it about the deal? Is that when you decided she was for you? BRIAN SPEER No, no. It's not what you think. It just happened. MATT Nothing just happens. BRIAN SPEER Everything just happens. MATT Was she going to leave me? BRIAN SPEER She would have. But I, I, uh... I didn't want that. That wouldn't have happened. I love Julie. (anguished) Please don't tell her. Please. I don't know what I've done. I'm sorry. MATT Did she say she loved you? Brian nods slightly. MATT (CONT'D) Do you love her? Brian looks down. MATT (CONT'D) You don't love her. You don't love her. You just used her to get to me. BRIAN SPEER No, I told you. I wasn't trying to get to you. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 95. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 110 CONTINUED: (2) 110 BRIAN SPEER (CONT'D) It was an affair, an attraction. Sex. And she got sort of... carried away with the whole thing, and I guess I went with it. I mean, I didn't exactly say no to things. I should have. I love my family. MATT Then I guess it's all working out. Her lips are sealed, and you don't have to go through the trouble of dumping her. BRIAN SPEER Hey, hey, that's really unfair. I had - - have -- a lot of respect for her. She's a wonderful woman. MATT Too bad her husband found out. You can't win `em all. One more question. Have you ever been inside my bedroom? BRIAN SPEER (tortured) Once. MATT You could have had the decency to lie about that one. Well, she's in Queen's Hospital if you want to say goodbye. That really is all I came to say. BRIAN SPEER Shouldn't you be with her? Matt's face slackens into overwhelming sadness. 111 EXT. HANALEI BAY COTTAGE - NIGHT 111 Matt swings the screen door open. Alex sits with Julie. Skylar and Colt are still running around the yard. MATT Yeah, great, all remodeled, new appliances. Nice. Alex, we should be getting back. JULIE Well, hey, thanks for stopping by. Really nice to meet you both. Maybe we'll see you at the beach tomorrow. (CONTINUED) 96. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 111 CONTINUED: 111 ALEXANDRA Yeah, maybe. After Alex and Julie share a quick kiss goodbye -- a common custom in Hawaii -- Julie turns to Matt. Matt leans in, but instead of going for her cheek, he kisses her FULLY ON THE LIPS. He pulls away, and they exchange a brief, vaguely erotic look. Then he turns away and into the night. 112 INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT 112 The plane is dark except for overhead READING LIGHTS. Again Matt, Sid and the girls sit at the very BACK OF THE PLANE. ALEXANDRA So when do you think he'll show up? MATT I have no idea. Sid leans forward from the middle seat. SID Was he sorry? I hope he was sorry, man. You could have told his wife, and you didn't. I hope he knows how lucky he is. I would have told her everything. She deserves to know. Or else she's going to be a dumb bitch the rest of her life. ALEXANDRA Sid. SID I'm just saying. MATT No need to get creepy. Anyway, doesn't matter. That's all behind us. ALEXANDRA Yeah, the one we have to worry about telling things to now is Scottie. MATT I've asked Dr. Johnston to help us break the news tomorrow. (CONTINUED) 97. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 112 CONTINUED: 112 They turn to look at little Scottie, dead to the world in the window seat. 113 INT. HOSPICE HALLWAY - DAY 113 Matt and the kids walk slowly through this different, calmer wing of the hospital looking for the right room-number. Finally they find it and push open the door into -- 114 INT. HOSPICE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 114 While still a hospital room, there is no medical equipment present. Bucolic colorful paintings on the wall are intended to be uplifting. But unlike the expansive view outside Elizabeth's ICU window, here the window looks out partially at a CINDER-BLOCK WALL. Sid and the Kings are greeted by DR. JOHNSTON and grief counselor DR. HERMAN, who affects a comforting smile. DR. JOHNSTON Hello, everyone. Matt. (off their greetings) This is Dr. Herman, whom I told you about. She works with us in counseling. DR. HERMAN (locking eyes with all) Hello, everyone. Hello. Hi. Hello. The two professionals allow the Kings to turn their attention to Elizabeth, who now lies with no machines at all. Around her BALLOONS droop, FLOWERS wilt, get-well CARDS lie in a pile. Elizabeth too is wilting and drooping. Her skin is pasty, and her cheeks are hollow. SCOTTIE How come Mom isn't on any more machines? Is she getting better? The adults exchange glances. Dr. Herman approaches Scottie. DR. HERMAN You must be Scottie. (off her nod --) Scottie, I have a present for you. Dr. Herman hands her a little squeaky RUBBER OCTOPUS she pulls from her pocket. (CONTINUED) 98. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 114 CONTINUED: 114 DR. HERMAN (CONT'D) That's right. It's an octopus. Such a funny creature with its eight legs. But did you know octopi are actually extremely intelligent, like dogs and cats? They have unique personalities, and just like us they have a lot of defense mechanisms. I'm sure you know about the ink sac. She uses ink to confuse her predators. She can camouflage herself. She can emit poison, and some can mimic more dangerous creatures, like the eel. I keep her to remind me of our defense mechanisms -- our ink, our camouflage, our poison, all the things we use to keep away hurt. The reason Dr. Johnston invited me here today is to meet you, Scottie. I've heard a lot about you. SCOTTIE Like what? DR. HERMAN I've heard that you're a wonderful and unique and spirited girl. Dr. Herman shoots a look at Matt before continuing. DR. HERMAN (CONT'D) And I've heard your mom's not doing too well and that she's going to die very soon. All watch Scottie react to this news. SCOTTIE Dad, is that true? MATT Yes, Scottie. It's true. DR. HERMAN You're going to have to be a very brave girl right now, and you're surrounded by people who love you. I came to meet you and tell you that if you ever want to talk about what you're feeling, I would like to talk to you too. I can help you face what's going on without all the silly defense mechanisms that work for an octopus but not for us. (CONTINUED) 99. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 114 CONTINUED: (2) 114 DR. JOHNSTON Okay. Thank you, Dr. Herman. Dr. Herman looks at everyone with great sincerity before leaving. Scottie is left holding the octopus. She drops it, and it squeaks a little. ALEXANDRA What the fuck was that? DR. JOHNSTON Yes, well, they say she's very good one- on-one. SCOTTIE So Mom's going to die for sure? DR. JOHNSTON Yes. We worked really hard with her, but three other doctors and I agree she's in what we call an irreversible coma. Do you know what that means? SCOTTIE It means she doesn't have a brain anymore. DR. JOHNSTON Not exactly, but... yes, that's the general idea. So we're doing exactly what she wanted us to do if that ever happened. That's why she's not attached to the machines anymore. ALEXANDRA It's for the best, Scottie. Look at her. She's not happy like this. DR. JOHNSTON The purpose of medicine is to heal, and we can't do that now. MATT Do you understand? SCOTTIE Yes. What will we do with her body? Dr. Johnston looks to Matt for this one. (CONTINUED) 100. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 114 CONTINUED: (3) 114 MATT First Mom's going to give some of her organs to other sick people, so she can help save their lives. That's a really neat thing she's doing. Then we're going to... we're going to scatter her ashes in the ocean. You know how Mom always loved the ocean. SCOTTIE Her ashes? Scottie looks at her mother, picturing her as ashes. SCOTTIE (CONT'D) When will she die? DR. JOHNSTON Any day now, I'm afraid. But you still have some time. DR. JOHNSTON (CONT'D) Well. Let me know if you have any more questions. MATT Thanks, Sam. The doctor leaves, and the room is quiet. Scottie is in a sort of trance. ALEXANDRA Come here, Scottie. Scottie goes to her sister, who takes her in her arms. SCOTTIE Do eyeballs burn? SID Hey, Scottie. Don't think about stuff like that. 115 INT. HOSPICE ROOM - THE NEXT DAY 115 Matt and the kids sit in a sort of vigil. Alex and Scottie read books, Matt has brought some paperwork, Sid reads a magazine. Elizabeth emits a SIGH. All look up a moment before looking back down. (CONTINUED) 101. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 115 CONTINUED: 115 Matt's PHONE VIBRATES. Checking the caller ID -- HUGH KING -- he opts not to answer. The door opens, and Elizabeth's brother BARRY THORSON accompanies his parents Scott and Alice into the room. SCOTT THORSON Here we are. (to Scottie) Hi, Bingo. Alex. Cheerful Alice doesn't really get what's going on. An emotional Barry hugs Matt and the girls. SCOTT THORSON (CONT'D) (eyeing Sid) There you are again. Matt and Alex maneuver seats for the Thorsons to sit near the bed. Barry gets his mother situated, then takes a seat himself. Remaining on his feet, old Scott surveys his daughter from a distance. SCOTT THORSON (CONT'D) So what did you decide? MATT There's not much left to decide. We're just sort of playing it by ear and making sure she's comfortable. SCOTT THORSON I mean what did you decide about the buyer? Who's your buyer? Even Sid and his daughters perk up at this question. Matt is taken aback. SCOTT THORSON (CONT'D) How much are you getting? BARRY THORSON Dad, I'm sure you'll be able to read about it in the paper. SCOTT THORSON I don't need to read about it. I can hear about it right now. (CONTINUED) 102. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 115 CONTINUED: (2) 115 MATT Scott, let's not talk about that here. It's not the time for that. SCOTT THORSON All the same to you, I guess. A million here, a million there. Just ironic, that's all -- Elizabeth coming into this misfortune just as you're coming into a fortune. She gave you everything, Matt. A good, happy home, two beautiful daughters. Matt looks to Barry for help, but Barry's silence and sheepish look imply he buys into his father's propaganda. MATT Scott, what's your point? SCOTT THORSON She wanted her own boat. She should have had her own boat, one she would have been familiar with. MATT She wasn't even driving! Her boat, someone else's boat -- it wouldn't have made any difference. You're not going to blame me for this. SCOTT THORSON Sure, sure, quibble about the details. She was a faithful, devoted wife. She deserved more. Why fight it? MATT You're right. She deserved more. SID For Christ's sake, take it easy on the man. Scott turns to Sid like he's about to pop him again. ALEXANDRA My father has been doing a really amazing job under the circumstances. His point made, Scott looks at Matt and the girls and shuffles to Elizabeth's bedside, puts his hands on Alice's shoulder. (CONTINUED) 103. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 115 CONTINUED: (3) 115 ALICE Are we ready to go? BARRY THORSON No, Mom. Not yet. MATT (gesturing toward the door) Girls, Sid. Matt, Sid and the girls quietly go into -- 116 INT. HOSPICE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 116 -- where they take a few steps away. SID Man, that guy's a prick. Was he always like that? MATT Yep. Scottie has stayed behind to peek through a crack in the door. Noticing, the others join her. THROUGH THE DOOR -- As Barry and Alice remain seated, their backs to us, Scott stands above his daughter, touching her arm, eyes closed. SID Is he praying? MATT No. SCOTT THORSON (opening his eyes) Say goodbye to Elizabeth, Alice. ALICE Oh. Goodbye, Elizabeth. The old man puts his hand over his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut. Then he opens his eyes and places a hand on her forehead, smooths her hair back. WIDE -- Matt and his daughters watch without moving. DISSOLVE TO: 104. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 117 INT. KING HOUSE - MATT'S STUDY - NIGHT 117 Matt sits at his desk lost in thought. The only sound is the tick-tock of an old clock reading 3:20. Then he gets up and starts pacing, shooting occasional glances at the BLUEPRINTS and RENDERINGS atop his desk. DISSOLVE TO: 118 EXT. HIGHWAY OUTSIDE KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY - DAY 118 Matt turns off the highway and into a long driveway. 119 INT. KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY HOUSE - DAY 119 Matt opens all front doors and lanai doors, letting air into the old place. He notices old PHOTOS OF KING ANCESTORS. 120 EXT. KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY - DAY 120 Matt walks around the property alone, taking it in and thinking. Like everywhere in Hawai'i, the nature here is powerful -- TREES, BIRDS, SPIDERWEBS. 121 EXT. KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY HOUSE - DAY 121 Matt plops heavily into a chair on the lanai. WIDER -- Matt alone. DISSOLVE TO -- 122 EXT. KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY HOUSE - LATER 122 It's the same angle but now with FORTY KING COUSINS gathered for the poll. We recognize some faces. CLOSER -- Amid drinks held aloft, a CALABASH is passed among the cousins into which the each places a folded BALLOT. Matt sits watching the proceedings with Cousin Hugh, Cousin Six and another ELDERLY COUSIN at a table piled with papers and contracts. MATT Elizabeth's not doing well. COUSIN HUGH She'll be okay. She's a fighter. (CONTINUED) 105. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 122 CONTINUED: 122 MATT No. She's dying. We took her off the machines. LATER -- Matt, Hugh and Six FINISH THE COUNT while others mill about, mingle, drink -- an early celebration for all except for a group of DISSENTERS off to one side. COUSIN HUGH Well, no surprise. Other than the holdouts who don't want to sell at all, it's Don Holitzer. Chicago group a distant second. Feels good. We're doing the right thing, Mattie. At least there ain't going to be any Wal-Mart. Now it's your call, and we're all behind you, most of us anyway. (handing him a pen) Go ahead, Captain. Make it official. MATT It's strange, that's all. COUSIN HUGH What's strange? MATT We didn't do anything to own that land. It was entrusted to us. And now we're just... Hugh and Six exchange a concerned look. For a moment we go VERY CLOSE on Matt's eyes. Then -- MATT (CONT'D) I can't do it. I won't do it. I'm not going to sign. COUSIN HUGH What're you doing, Matt? I mean, we know you have a lot on your plate right now, but you're not going to fuck this up for us. It's over. If we don't sell now, it'll be a mess when the trust dissolves. Just sign, go to your wife, done. (CONTINUED) 105A. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 122 CONTINUED: (2) 122 COUSIN SIX It's inevitable, Matt. You know that. We'll get out of debt -- the taxes and maintenance have been leaching us for far too long. (CONTINUED) 106. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 122 CONTINUED: (3) 122 MATT I don't want it to go to Holitzer. I don't want it to go to anyone. I want to keep it. COUSIN SIX For Christ's sake. We can't move without your approval. And we don't want to. Hugh tries forcing Matt's hand. Matt resists. COUSIN HUGH Your head's not right, Mattie. Your head's not right. You want a couple days to think it over? Take a couple days. MATT I don't need a couple days. I have the authority, and this is what I want. I haven't wanted something in a long time. We have other businesses we're converting to corporations. We can figure it out. COUSIN SIX But it's utterly unproductive land. It doesn't generate enough income to pay the goddamn taxes. COUSIN HUGH You're the trustee. You know better than anyone we only have seven years left. MATT Then I have seven years to figure out how to keep it. Cousin Hugh draws a long breath, looks up at the sky, then back at Matt. COUSIN HUGH We'll come after you. Just because you're a lawyer doesn't mean the rest of us would be afraid to come after you. But nobody wants to do that. We're family. (CONTINUED) 107. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 122 CONTINUED: (4) 122 MATT People will be relieved, Hugh, the whole state. I sign that document, it's over. End of the line. Something that was ours to protect will be gone. Even though we're haole as shit and go to private schools and clubs and can't even speak pidgin, let alone Hawaiian, we still carry Hawaiian blood, and we're still tied to this land. And our children are tied to this land. It's a miracle that for whatever bullshit reason 150 years ago, we own this much of... paradise, but we do. And for whatever bullshit reason now, I'm the trustee. And I'm not signing. And if you sue me, it'll only make us closer. Cousin Hugh releases a long breath more like a belch, quickly picks his nose, exchanges a look with Cousin Six. Then he brings his fingers to his mouth to WHISTLE. COUSIN HUGH All right, everybody, listen up. Cousin Mattie has an announcement. Get ready. Rising to his feet, Matt scans the faces of his relatives. 123 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 123 From the way Matt, Sid and the girls are positioned around the room, we can tell their presence there is now way of life. Scottie snoozes on the little sofa. We may notice that Elizabeth is even more shrunken. A KNOCK is followed by -- A VASE OF FLOWERS appearing in the doorway, topped by blonde hair and held by thin bronzed arms. It's JULIE SPEER. MATT Julie. What are you doing here? He rises to help her find a spot to put the flowers. She nods to the girls. JULIE I know we just met, but I was thinking about you guys these past few days, and I knew your mom was here. I don't know. I just felt I should stop by. (CONTINUED) 108. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 123 CONTINUED: 123 MATT You remember Alex. This is Scottie. Sid. This is Mrs. Speer. JULIE Julie. SCOTTIE Were you friends with my mom? JULIE No, we never met. But I know a lot about her. As they now do often, Matt and Alex exchange a look. MATT Well, we appreciate your coming by. The flowers are lovely. SID (heading to the door) Scottie, Alex. Let's go to the cafeteria. The girls follow Sid's prompt, leaving Matt alone with Julie, standing, a dying woman between them. MATT I, uh, I'm not sure how much you know about my wife's condition, but she's going to die very soon. Any minute, really. That's sort of why we're all here. JULIE I know. That's why I came. Because I know. I came because my husband wouldn't. And that just didn't seem right. I thought someone from my family should come. Wow. MATT I'm sorry I came to your house like that. Just barged in on you. JULIE It's all right. I assume you're angry. Of course you are. I'm angry too. (CONTINUED) 109. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 123 CONTINUED: (2) 123 MATT So he told you, huh? JULIE After you left that night, he was acting really weird. Then I started smelling it all over him. I'd already smelled it. MATT You're a woman. JULIE I finally got it out of him. We've been going crazy ever since. Not easy with the kids around. It's all something I never could have imagined. And then your family's decision about the land. I think you're doing the right thing, but Brian is -- well, it's all so complicated and confusing. MATT I know. JULIE Brian told me everything. Well, how can I ever know it's everything? When did you find out? Have you known for a while? MATT Just a few days ago. JULIE I'm angry, but I'm just so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through. Do you mind if I say something to her? Matt is unsure but what else can he do? Julie approaches the bed. JULIE (CONT'D) Elizabeth, I'm Julie. Brian's wife. I just want to say I forgive you. I forgive you for trying to take Brian. I forgive you for almost destroying my family. I have to forgive you. Even though I want to hate you. (CONTINUED) 110. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 123 CONTINUED: (3) 123 MATT Okay. All right. That's enough, Julie. I think... I think that's enough. Matt walks to the door and opens it. Alex and Sid -- who've clearly had their ears against the door -- scamper away, unnoticed by Matt and Julie. MATT (CONT'D) He didn't love her. Just so you know. He didn't really love her. JULIE That's why I'm here. Julie heads to the door. At the door, she looks at Matt. Matt looks at her. She leaves. Matt is left alone with his wife, and he realizes suddenly that this is his moment. He walks to the bed, takes her hand, rubs his palm over her hair. He says something to her as though silently praying, then realizes he should say it aloud. He presses his lips to hers and puts his hand on her stomach. MATT Goodbye, Elizabeth. Goodbye, my love, my friend, my pain, my joy. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. 124 INT. HOSPICE HALLWAY - DAY 124 The door to Elizabeth's room opens, and Alexandra emerges, a far-away sadness on her face. She walks slowly toward -- A NEARBY WAITING AREA -- where Matt sits with Scottie and Sid. Matt and Sid rise to comfort her, but she's not in the mood. She allows them each to hug her briefly before turning to Scottie. Signaling to Matt to let her do this, Alex escorts a fearful Scottie toward Elizabeth's room, and, reassuring her, guides her little sister inside. Matt and Sid are left alone. 125 EXT. MONTAGE - DAY 125 To be determined. 111- The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 112. 126 EXT. THE OCEAN - DAY 126 PADDLES in the water. A BOX ENCIRCLED BY LEIS sits tied to the seat of a small outrigger CANOE. MATT AND THE GIRLS navigate the canoe through the surf. SCOTTIE How far do we have to go? MATT Not that far. Just past the break. ALEXANDRA Steer straighter, Dad. And a little faster, okay? MATT I'm trying. 127 LATER -- 127 (CONTINUED) 113. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 127 CONTINUED: 127 Matt and the girls simply FLOAT, glancing from time to time * at the urn in Scottie's lap. In the distance loom the hotels * and high-rises of Waikiki. * MATT * Well, here we are, just the four of us. * For the last time. * (then --) * Alex, why don't you start? Scottie, * hand her the box. * Scottie does so. Alexandra takes the box reverently -- she * wants to perform this sad, strange ceremony without messing * up. * She opens the box and pulls out a scoop of ashes, which * Scottie looks at unblinking. Alex looks to Matt, who gives * her the go-ahead, and without further ceremony pours them * into the sea. * THE ASHES * fall densely in one spot, then slowly darken the water and * disappear. * Alex looks down, struck by the weirdness of it all, before * glancing up at Matt. * MATT (CONT'D) * Scottie, you're next. Go ahead, it's * okay. * Alex passes the box and scooper to Scottie. * SCOTTIE * What should I say? * ALEXANDRA * Just say goodbye. * Scottie looks at Alex and scoops out a pile, holds them at * eye-level, and pauses. * MATT * Come on, Scottie. It's okay. * SCOTTIE * (finally) * Bye, Mom. * A sad Scottie pours her scoop into the water. All look down * as the ashes descend. * (CONTINUED) 113A. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 127 CONTINUED: (2) 127 MATT * All right, Scottie, here. Pass that to * me. Good job. * Now Matt takes his turn. He looks directly inside the urn at * the ashes that were once his wife. * ANGLE ON THE ASHES -- HIS POV * A complex series of emotions passes over his face -- love, * grief, disappointment, resignation. * Without further ceremony he upends the BOX over the water and * pours the rest of Elizabeth into the ocean. * All three take a long look as the mass of ashes disappears. * Matt takes off his LEI and places it into the water. The * girls follow suit. * WIDE ANGLE of the boat floating as the leis float away. * 128 INT. KING HOUSE - NIGHT 128 Scottie lies on a sofa watching television, draped with the QUILT that lay atop her mother's hospital bed. Matt comes over with TWO DISHES, hands one to her. MATT One scoop strawberry, one scoop mocha chip. SCOTTIE Great. Matt gets under the quilt with her. Moments later Alexandra wanders in, notices what they're watching, sits next to Matt, pulls the quilt over her legs. ALEXANDRA Can I have some? (CONTINUED) 114. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 128 CONTINUED: 128 His eyes not leaving the TV, Matt hands Alex his ice cream. As they sit there on the sofa, the CREDITS roll quietly over them. THE END
DESPICABLE ME 2 Written by Cinco Paul & Ken Daurio EXT: ARCTIC CIRCLE - DAY Snow and ice as far as the eye can see. What looks like a windowless MILITARY BASE surrounded by barbed wire fences sits in the middle of the wasteland. TITLE CARD: TOP SECRET RESEARCH LABORATORY. ARCTIC CIRCLE. At the GUARD GATE, two RUSSIAN GUARDS play poker using an overturned barrel as a table. Russian Guard 1 shows a five of diamonds... and four Aces. The other Guard folds. Russian Guard 1 LAUGHS and drags in the pile of coins. While he SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN and does a celebratory dance, the coins fly up into the air. Russian Guard 1 stops dancing and sees that the coins are gone. He accuses the other Guard of stealing them. Russian Guard 2 swears he didn't take them. Russian Guard 1 grabs a shovel and wields it menacingly, until it flies up into the air. They both look up to see where it's gone. Then the metal barrel they were using as a table flies up, knocking them over. Russian Guard 2 looks up to see a GIGANTIC MAGNET SHIP LOWERING DOWN FROM ABOVE AND HOVERING OVER THE LABORATORY. A watchtower guard shouts. A door below opens as a bunch of Guards run out and point their guns at the magnet ship. Then...WOOSH! All of their guns are pulled up towards the ship, including the guards themselves, who are strapped to their guns. A SNOWMOBILE lifts off the ground and flies up to the magnet. Other vehicles and small buildings begin to pull away from the ground. Then-- THE ENTIRE LAB STARTS TO GET PULLED UP OUT OF THE GROUND. CLANK! The lab makes contact with the ship. It flies up and down, shaking the scientists and guards off. They fall to the ground. The magnet ship flies away with their lab, vehicles, and weapons. The remaining guards and scientists are strewn across the snow with the remnants of the damaged base. We see a porta- potty door open. A Confused Guard is sitting on the can reading a newspaper, having missed the entire incident. He closes the door. MATCH CUT TO: DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 2. INT: AVL HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT SECURITY FOOTAGE of the research station named PX LABS being carried away by the magnet ship plays on the screens at AVL Headquarters. We see the back of several heads watching the footage. There's a heavy sigh. SILAS Three weeks and we're still no closer to cracking this? No response. SILAS (CONT'D) Right... bring him in. LUCY (O.S.) Yes, sir. EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - DAY Gru steps toward camera, holding some sort of menacing gun, which he loads and cocks. He pulls the trigger, which shoots out an inflatable unicorn balloon. Smiling, he ties it to the windowsill next to some others. EXT: GRU'S BACKYARD - DAY A banner reads: "Happy Birthday Agnes!" and a massive backyard party is in full swing. The yard is decorated with pink balloons and streamers, and a BOUNCY HOUSE shaped like a castle. AGNES and several other LITTLE GIRLS slide down a slide. They are all dressed as princesses, but Agnes is dressed as a princess riding a unicorn. AGNES This is the best party EVER!!! Edith, dressed as a ninja, emerges from beneath a table and climbs across the monkey bars as a series of jousts, blades, and boxing gloves come up from the ground underneath her. She jumps down, narrowly avoiding a bear trap. EDITH Haha! Yeah! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 3. Two LITTLE GIRLS fish in a small kiddie pool. One of the girls pulls up a toy duck and then razzes the other girl, but then a LIVE PIRANHA jumps out and eats the toy duck. A BOY and a GIRL sword fight. The Boy does a bunch of fancy moves. The Girl waits for him to finish and then pounds him on the head with a club. Two kids in the background are on a see-saw made of bombs. Agnes runs into the middle of the yard and points offscreen. AGNES Oh no! A dragon is approaching! All of the kids turn and see KYLE dressed as a dragon. He GRUMBLES and then they SCREAM and huddle around Agnes. Then Margo enters wearing a SUIT OF ARMOR and wielding a SWORD. MARGO Fear not, for here come the gallant knights to save us! She gestures to a group of minions wearing tiny suits of armor and wielding various MEDIEVAL WEAPONS. The Kids CHEER as the minions charge toward Kyle. One accidentally hits another with his sword. A fight ensues in which they use the medieval weapons on each other. One minion pounds another with a MACE. One Minion wanders off from the fight with his helmet on backwards, wildly swinging his mace. Across the yard, Gru is busy grilling burgers and talking on the phone. Not happy. GRU No, no, no! What do you mean she's not coming?! I have a backyard full of these little girls who are counting on a visit from a fairy princess! The mace-swinging Minion walks by and accidently, repeatedly hits Gru with the mace in the shin. GRU (CONT'D) Ah! Hurts! Ah! Stop it! Gru kicks the minion's helmet and chases him off with a spatula, sending him towards the party swinging his mace. Gru SIGHS and returns to the call. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 4. GRU (CONT'D) Listen! I don't want a refund! I want a fairy princess... please! Please, I am begging you. (Resigned) You know what? I hope that you can sleep at night, you crusher of little girls' dreams!!! Gru hits the phone with his spatula and hangs up. Turns and sees Agnes standing there. AGNES Ooh ooh! When's the Fairy Princess coming? Gru stares down at Agnes' big excited eyes. He opens his mouth to tell her the truth, but can't do it. GRU Any minute now! Agnes squeals with excitement and runs off. AGNES Yayyy! Gru looks worried--what do I do now? He signals two minions. GRU Stall them. EXT: BACKYARD - LATER A hand-painted piece of cardboard reading "THE MAGIC SHOW" is placed on an easel. Agnes and all of the little kids sit in a semicircle on the grass. Two minions dressed as magicians are doing a magic act with Edith as their assistant. One minion blows up a balloon and puts it in Edith's mouth. Then the other whips out a CHAINSAW and fires it up, heading toward her. Margo sees this and quickly intervenes. MARGO Whoa! Whoa! Okay, okay, alright. That's enough of the magic show! The minions don't hide their disappointment. MINIONS Awwww. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 5. Margo suddenly looks around as if she just heard something. MARGO Wait, did you hear that? It sounded like the twinkling sounds of magical fairy dust. AGNES (gasps) It's the fairy princess! She's coming! Margo gasps and points up to the sky. MARGO Look! Edith spits out her magic balloon in horror and we follow it up to reveal-- Gru. Dressed in a PUFFY PINK DRESS, fairy wings, glittery eyelashes and tiara and magical wand. Up on top of Gru's house, the minions struggle to lower him down on a rope. Edith's balloon floats by and distracts them. They let go of the rope and Gru swings wildly, smashing into the wall of the house and crashing to the ground. GRU Aaaaaahh! He stands up and tries to cover. Agnes SIGHS HAPPILY, in awe of the fairy princess. GRU (CONT'D) (in falsetto) It is I, Gru...zinkerbell! The most magical fairy princess of all! And I am here to wish Princess Agnes a very happy birthday! Gru sprinkles the girls with glitter and they continue to stare, frozen. Then a LITTLE GIRL raises her hand and speaks with a lisp. LITTLE GIRL How come you're tho fat? Gru grits his teeth, then forces a smile and speaks with a high-pitched, dreamy voice. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 6. GRU Because my house is made of candy and sometimes I eat instead of facing my problems. The girl starts to ask another question. LITTLE GIRL How come you have- Gru cuts her off with a puff of fairy dust to the face. She COUGHS. GRU Okay! Time for cake! As the kids run to the table, Agnes approaches Gru. AGNES Thank you, Gru-zinkerbell. You're the best fairy princess ever! Gru smiles. GRU (in falsetto) You are welcome, little girl. She runs off, but quickly returns. AGNES (whispers in his ear) I know it's really you, Gru. I'm just pretending for the other kids. She runs off again to join her friends. Gru watches her go. Couldn't be happier. Then he is approached by JILLIAN, a heavily-Botoxed mom. JILLIAN Hey there, Gru, Mr. Life of the Party! GRU (forcing a smile) Hello, Jillian. JILLIAN Sooooo, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but my friend Natalie is recently single, and... DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 7. In the background, a homely NATALIE leans against a buffet table and seductively raises her eyebrows at Gru. The table collapses to the ground beneath her. GRU (realizes what's going on) No, no, no, get off of the limb right now. No limb. JILLIAN Oh, come on...she's a riot. She sings karaoke, she has a lot of free time, looks aren't that important to her... In the background, Natalie inadvertently walks in front of a bottle pitch game, is struck by a ball, and falls to the ground. GRU No, Jill's, that is not happening. Seriously. I'm fine. JILLIAN (calling after Gru) Okay, fine. Forget Natalie. How about my cousin Linda? Gru walks off, passing by Edith and Margo. GRU No. JILLIAN Oh, oh! I know someone whose husband just died! SPLASH! Suddenly Jillian is sprayed in the face with water. Reveal Gru holding a HOSE with a SPRAY NOZZLE. GRU I'm sorry. I did not see you there. SPLASH! He sprays her again. She falls down. GRU (CONT'D) Or there. He drops the hose and walks away, CHUCKLING softly. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 8. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DUSK Gru takes Kyle out to the front yard. CAMERA POV A camera with nightvision is watching them. The screen analyzes Kyle and a readout comes out as "SPECIES: UNKNOWN." Kyle sniffs Gru's flowers. GRU Kyle... Kyle! Then it analyzes Gru and the readout says "TARGET ACQUIRED." GRU (CONT'D) Ky--Kyle! No, do not do your business on the petunias! Kyle lifts up his leg next to Gru's flowers. He picks Kyle up and places him next to his neighbor's bush. GRU (CONT'D) There you go. Those are Fred's. Go crazy. Kyle does and the bush immediately withers and dies. Gru CHUCKLES. GRU (CONT'D) Good boy. VOICE (O.S.) Mr. Gru? Gru turns and sees Lucy Wilde standing there. GRU Wha? I didn't... What... Yes? LUCY (holds up her badge) Hi! Agent Lucy Wilde of the AVL. (realizes her badge is upside down) Oh. Whoops. (clears her throat, all business) Sorry, you're gonna have to come with me. GRU Oh, sorry, I--Freeze Ray! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 9. Gru whips out his FREEZE RAY and fires it. A WALL OF ICE heads for Lucy. But before it gets to her, Lucy pulls out a retractable gun from her purse, which acts as a FLAMETHROWER. Melting the ice. LUCY You know you really should announce your weapons after you fire them, Mr. Gru. For example-- She pulls out a LIPSTICK. Fires it at Gru. The tip flies through the air and connects with his chest, latching on. ZZZZZAPPP! It tases him, which sends his body flailing in different funny poses before passing out. LUCY (CONT'D) Lipstick Taser! Oh, it works so good. EXT: STREET - LATER Lucy tries to drag Gru to her car, but he's too heavy. LUCY Man. Ugh. Large...person. She gets an idea. Lucy gets into her car. In the background, we see Gru begin to come to, but he is struck by Lucy's car as she pulls back and is knocked out again. LUCY (CONT'D) Oh...sorry! Closer now, Lucy gets out and stuffs his body into the trunk. Just then Tom and Stuart come out of Gru's garage and see their boss being loaded in. Lucy struggles to close the trunk. LUCY (CONT'D) Get...in...there...you...big...man! SLAM! Lucy finally slams the trunk then quickly gets into the vehicle. Tom and Stuart exchange horrified looks. TOM AND STUART Boss! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 10. They take off running after the car as it pulls away, running as fast as their tiny legs will carry them. They get right behind it and Tom LEAPS up onto the trunk. He reaches his hand out to Stuart, who is falling behind. TOM Koom ey lah! STUART Koom ey lah! Koom ey lah! Stuart leaps for the bumper and Tom catches him by his overall straps. Tom holds on tight as Stuart dangles from the back of the car, his overall straps stretching way out. STUART (CONT'D) Aaaaaaiiieeeaaaiiieeeaaaah! As Lucy turns a corner, he slams into some garbage cans and ends up skiing behind the car in a cardboard box. Now in the box, Stuart continues to ride behind the car, and even starts to get the hang of that, too. He waves at Tom, and Tom waves back. STUART (CONT'D) Woooo! TOM Ooooh! All is good until they go past a clothesline and a sheet gets stuck on Stuart. The sheet forms a parasail which lifts Stuart up into the air. He strikes a Superman flying pose. Then a flock of GEESE fly toward him and one actually slams into his face. STUART Quack quack! It SQUAWKS at him as it flies off. Lucy spots the commotion in her side view mirror and slams on the brakes. SCREECH! Both minions fly forward-- INT: LUCY'S CAR - SAME Lucy sees this, drives forward, and opens the convertible top, causing the Minions to land right in the passenger's seat. They strike threatening karate poses. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 11. TOM AND STUART Hi-YAH!! Lucy tases them and they pass out. She floors it. EXT: STREET - SAME Lucy's car continues driving until it reaches a crowded PIER. And doesn't stop. It drives right off the end of the pier. A confused fisherman leaps for his life. CONFUSED FISHERMAN What the-- Oh! SPLASH! INT: OCEAN - SAME Lucy's car now transforms into an UNDERWATER VEHICLE. As the minions come to, one of them tries playing with the radio until Lucy slaps his hand away. They speed through the sea and an octopus slams into her windshield. She turns on the wipers, which hits the octopus in the face until he's had enough and swims off in a cloud of ink. She HONKS her HORN as she passes through a school of fish. MINIONS Whoa... As the fish pass the Minions look ahead to see a shark heading for them with his mouth open. They SCREAM. Lucy quickly steers the car out of harm's way. They pass by several more sharks until they arrive at a GIANT SUBMARINE with the letters "AVL" on the side. A HATCH opens and Lucy's car goes inside. The hatch closes behind her. INT: AVL SUB - SAME The water drains out from the holding dock. A buffer and hair dryer come out to dry off the car. A squeegee wipes off the windshield. Then the platform the car is on lowers down. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 12. INT: AVL ROOM - DAY Lucy's car lowers into the center of the room as a large circular table assembles around it, effectively locking them in. Lucy and the Minions get out of the car. She pushes a button on her remote and Gru, with a starfish attached to his head, is ejected from the trunk. GRU (groggily) Ugh...ooh...what...where...ah...oh, foot's asleep...ah...pins and needles... SILAS (O.S.) Good afternoon, Mr. Gru. GRU Ehhh... SILAS I apologize for our methods in getting you here. LUCY I don't. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I am not gonna lie--I enjoyed that. Every second of it. Gave me a bit of a buzz, actually. SILAS That's enough, Agent Wilde. LUCY Sorry, sir. GRU Okay, this is bogus! Gru peels the starfish off his head and drops it onto Tom's. Stuart LAUGHS at him. GRU (CONT'D) I don't know who you people think you are, but-- A WAITER comes over with tea for Silas. SILAS We are the Anti-Villain League. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 13. As Silas summons a map that shows all of the AVL offices around the world, Lucy's car drops out of the way. Stuart is trapped on the lowering platform and he scrambles to get back onto stable ground. Silas continues. SILAS (CONT'D) An ultra-secret organization dedicated to fighting crime on a global scale. Rob a bank? We're not interested. Kill someone? Not our deal. But you want to melt the polar ice caps? Or vaporize Mt. Fuji? Or even steal the moon? Then we notice. GRU First of all, you've got no proof that I did that. Second, after I did do that, I put it back! SILAS We're well aware of that, Mr. Gru. That's why we've brought you here. (beat) I am the League's director, Silas Ramsbottom. Upon hearing the name, Tom and Stuart start giggling. TOM Bottom. TOM AND STUART Heeheheeeeheeehee. Silas bristles at this, and glances over at Lucy. SILAS Hilarious. Agent Wilde... LUCY Oh, me now...? She continues the de-briefing, turning to the screens, which show an image of the Magnet Ship stealing the lab. LUCY (CONT'D) Um, recently an entire top secret lab disappeared from the Arctic Circle. Yeah, the entire lab. Just whoosh. Voom! Gone. Where did it go? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 14. GRU I don't care. The screen shows FOOTAGE of a TINY LITTLE BUNNY in a scientific lab. Furry and adorable. LUCY The lab was devoted to experiments involving PX-41, a transmutation serum. What is PX-41, you ask? Mmmm, it's pretty bad... Look. A LABCOAT TECHNICIAN approaches the bunny with a SYRINGE containing the purple liquid. Injects some in its butt. TOM AND STUART Aaah! Instantly the bunny transforms into a HIDEOUS PURPLE MONSTER BUNNY. Gru and the Minions smile, impressed. Then it goes crazy and attacks the scientist. Gru covers his eyes and the Minions pass out. GRU Oh! The bunny attacks the technician, then the camera...and the film is over. GRU (CONT'D) Hmm, you usually don't see that in bunnies. SILAS As you can see, in the wrong hands, the PX-41 serum could be the most devastating weapon on earth. (struggles to get through the opening in the table) Fortunately it has a very distinct chemical footprint, and using the latest chemtracking technology, we found traces of it in the Paradise Mall. On the screens we see images depicting a highly technical diagram of the shopping mall. GRU Ha! A mall? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 15. SILAS Precisely. And we believe that one of these shop owners is a master criminal. Silas scrolls through pictures of the mall's shop owners. SILAS (CONT'D) And that's where you come in. As an ex-villain, you know how a villain thinks, how a villain acts. LUCY The plan is to set you up undercover at a shop in the mall, where hopefully you'll be able to-- GRU Okay, I see where this is going, with all the Mission Impossible stuff, but no. No! I am a father now. And a legitimate businessman. I am developing a line of delicious jams and jellies. Silas shoots him a look. He CHUCKLES. SILAS Jams and...jellies? GRU Oh, attitude! That's right! So thanks, but no thanks. (beat) And here's a tip--instead of tasing people and kidnapping them, maybe you should just give them a call! Good day, Mr. Sheepsbutt! SILAS Ramsbottom. GRU (chuckles) Oh, yeah, like that's any better! Gru turns and heads for the door, followed by Tom and Stuart, who continue to GIGGLE about Ramsbottom's name. EXT: OCEAN - NIGHT Gru exits the AVL headquarters, which he now sees is on a SUBMARINE. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 16. Lucy leans out the door and taps him on the shoulder. LUCY Look, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but your work as a villain was kind of amazing, so if you ever want to get back to doing something awesome--give us a call. She hands Gru her BUSINESS CARD. Gru takes it and stares at it. EXT: OCEAN - LATER Gru rows back to shore as Tom yells to him like a coxswain. Gru GRUNTS with each stroke. TOM ("Stroke!") Mack-oh! Mack-oh! Mack-oh! INT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT Gru carries a sleeping Agnes upstairs. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Gru enters to find Margo and Edith not in bed. Margo is texting someone. GRU (whispers) Hey, I told you guys to get to bed. MARGO Oh, sorry. EDITH So when ya goin' on your date? GRU What? EDITH Remember? Miss Jillian said she was arranging a date for you. GRU Yeah, well, she is a nutjob. And I'm not going on any date. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 17. EDITH Why not? Are you scared? Gru stares back at Edith. Gets a far-away look in his eyes. EXT: PLAYGROUND - FLASHBACK - DAY We flash back to LITTLE GRU on the school playground. He stares, lovesick, at a CUTE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL, named LISA. LISA (to her friends) Hey, did you guys see the moon landing on TV? GIRLS Yeah, I can't believe it. It's so cool... LISA Yeah, and you know what-- Gru approaches her. LITTLE GRU Excuse me, Lisa? But she doesn't notice him. He tries again. LISA (to her friends) I was talking to Billy the other day. GIRLS No way. LISA He is so cute. Gru clears his throat. LISA (CONT'D) And I think he likes me. GRU Hey Lisa, I was wondering if you-- Gru reaches out and taps her shoulder with his pointer finger. Then one of the other little girls points to Gru's finger on Lisa's shoulder. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 18. GIRL Ewww! Gru touched Lisa! Gru touched Lisa! The other girls turn and squeal, horrified. GIRLS Eeeeewww! A little buck-toothed red-haired girl shouts out to the entire playground. RED HAIRED GIRL Lisa's got Grooties! The playground erupts with SCREAMS and everyone turns and runs away. Little Gru is left alone. Crushed. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Gru comes out of the flashback. GRU Scared? Of what? Women?! No, that's bonkers! I just-- I have no interest in going on a date, that's all. Case closed. I'm not scared-- of women... or dates... let's go to bed. Gru gives each girl a goodnight kiss. GRU (CONT'D) Goodnight, Edith. Then he goes over to Margo, who's already in bed. GRU (CONT'D) Goodnight, Margo. She continues texting as he gives her a kiss. GRU (CONT'D) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Well, hold the horses. Who are you texting? MARGO No one. Just my friend Avery. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 19. GRU Avery... Avery? Is that a girl's name or a boy's name? MARGO Does it matter? GRU No, no, it doesn't matter... Unless it's a boy! AGNES I know what makes you a boy. Gru turns to Agnes, concerned. GRU Uh...oooh...you...do? AGNES Your bald head. Gru nods, relieved. GRU Oh, yes... AGNES It's really smooth. Sometimes I stare at it and imagine a little chick popping out. Peep peep peep. Gru sighs and gives her a kiss. GRU Goodnight, Agnes. Never get older. Gru turns out the light and leaves the room. INT: LAB - DAY Gru rides the elevator tube down to his lab, passing minions in various stages of jelly making. A sign reading, JELLY TESTING AREA" has been hastily pasted over a nuclear warning sign. A SUPERVISOR MINION checks his clipboard as the MINION next to him steals a banana from his pocket. He turns, but the Minion who stole the banana has hidden it in his mouth. We see the ends of the banana pushing out his cheeks. SUPERVISOR MINION Hey, oh! Me banana! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 20. The Minion with the banana in his mouth shrugs. A single apple is passed down a line of Minions in the least efficient way possible. A few Minions mash fruits in large vats ala "I Love Lucy." One wears a bunch of fruit on his head like Carmen Miranda and sings the CHIQUITA BANANA song. His supervisor comes over and tells him to get back to work. The Minion tries to get out of the vat of fruit, but slips and falls down into a large test-tube filled with mashed fruit. Then all of the mashed fruit is flushed down a large hole where it is injected into jelly jars passing by on a conveyor belt. The trapped Minion is injected into one of the jars. Gru enters the lab and greets the minions. GRU Hey, Tim, nice haircut! He points at Tim. GRU (CONT'D) Donnie, hang in there, baby! It's almost Friday. Gru high-fives Donnie as he approaches Dr. Nefario. GRU (CONT'D) So, how's today's batch, Dr. Nefario? DR. NEFARIO I developed a new formula which allowed me to get every known kind of berry into one flavor of jelly. Gru sticks his finger in and tastes the purple goo in the jar. Makes a disgusted face, then attempts a smile. GRU (faking it) That tastes good... (gags) Love the flavor of that... DR. NEFARIO It's horrible, isn't it? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 21. GRU No! No! Oh, we're making great progress! (to the Minions) Here, try some of this. He hands a jar to a minion, who tries it. He GAGS! Another minion tastes some and scrapes it off his tongue. They smash the jar and all the minions run away, disgusted. GRU (CONT'D) Whoa... okay, just because everybody hates it doesn't mean it's not good. Dr. Nefario hangs his head. DR. NEFARIO Listen, Gru. There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about for some time now. GRU What? What's wrong? DR. NEFARIO (clears his throat) I miss being evil. Sinister plots, large-scale crimes...It's what I live for! I mean, don't you think there's more to our future than jelly? GRU Well, I'm also considering a line of jams... DR. NEFARIO Um...the thing is, Gru... (deep breath) I've had an offer of employment elsewhere. GRU Dr. Nefario! Come on, you're kidding, right? DR. NEFARIO It's a great opportunity for me, bigger lab, more evil, full dental... Dr. Nefario presses a button and his stuff folds itself up into a traveling suitcase. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 22. Dr. Nefario hangs his head. Gru stares back at his old friend. GRU Very well. Let us give you the proper send-off. (calls off screen) Minions! INT: GRU'S LAB - LATER Seven minions are lined up with seven fart guns. Dr. Nefario sits in his scooter. GRU The highest honor awarded. To Dr. Nefario for your years of service. The twenty-one fart gun salute! FART! FART! FART! Dr. Nefario COUGHS. His eyes are watering (and not only from the smell). DR. NEFARIO Uh, I counted twenty-two. Dave CHUCKLES, guilty. Dr. Nefario fires up the scooter. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) Farewell, my friends. The minions CRY. Dr. Nefario pushes another button on the scooter, transforming it into flying mode. He GUNS the engine and it begins flying away. At the slowest pace possible. Everyone just stands there awkwardly. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) This may take a while. Go about your business. Everyone walks off. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) I miss you already! Gru examines Lucy's business card. Makes a decision. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT The shadow of a mysterious figure approaches Gru's front door. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 23. EXT: GRU'S FOYER - NIGHT A Minion wears a French Maid's outfit and SINGS as he vacuums the floor. The doorbell rings. The Minion opens the door to see who it is. FRENCH MAID MINION Hello? A shadow falls across the terrified minion as something unseen abducts him. EXT: GRU'S FOYER - LATER The vacuum moves back and forth across the floor by itself. Another Minion walks by wearing a different Maid outfit. He doesn't see the other Minion and closes the door. Then he opens it again, cleans the doorknob, and closes it. INT: FAMILY ROOM - DAY It's morning at Gru's house. Margo and Agnes sit on the couch with a LAPTOP. Edith leans over the top of the couch, looking on. AGNES Are you sure we should be doing this? MARGO Yes, it's for his own good. On the screen is a DATING WEBSITE (CREATE-A-DATE.NET)--the girls are creating a profile for Gru. MARGO (CONT'D) Okay, we need to choose a picture. Margo clicks through pictures of Gru. Each one is worse than the last. AGNES No. CLICK. AGNES (CONT'D) Scary. CLICK. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 24. EDITH Weird. CLICK. The next picture is of Gru in a bathing suit. The girls react in horror. GIRLS Aaaaaah!!! Margo covers Agnes's eyes. AGNES What is that?! Gru enters the family room. GRU Good morning, girls! I have an announcement to make. MARGO Hey, what celebrity do you look like? GRU Ummm...Bruce Willis. The girls stare at him blankly. MARGO Mmmm...no. AGNES Humpty Dumpty! EDITH Ooh, Gollum! The girls LAUGH. GRU Okay, what are you doing? AGNES We're signing you up for online dating! GRU Oh, okay...WHAT?! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Gru grabs the laptop away from the girls. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 25. EDITH Aw come on, it's fun. MARGO And it's time for you to get out there. GRU No! Stop! No one is ever getting out there! Ever! Gru hands a Minion the laptop, accidentally hitting him in the face. GRU (CONT'D) Okay, now for the announcement: I have accepted a new job. MARGO Whoa--really? GRU Yes, I have been recruited by a top secret agency to go undercover and save the world! EDITH You're gonna be a spy?! GRU That's right, baby! Gru's back in the game! With gadgets and weapons and cool cars...the whole deal. EDITH Awesome! Agnes looks up at him in awe. AGNES Are you really gonna save the world? Gru looks at Agnes. GRU Yes. Yes I am. He coolly puts on a pair of sunglasses. We pan to Dave mimicking Gru with a pair of sunglasses. DAVE Mocha! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 26. And then to Kevin dressed in an Amish beard and tie. KEVIN Cacao! And then Stuart dressed as a little girl with pigtails. STUART Papadam? EXT: MALL - DAY Establishing. INT: MALL - SAME Gru comes down the escalator wearing the sunglasses, with the three disguised Minions behind him. Stuart gets his dress caught in the escalator. It comes off and he hides in a nearby potted plant. Gru glances at a store called the "EAGLE HAIR CLUB." He then arrives at a charming, pink CUPCAKE STORE. The sign reads, "BAKE MY DAY" Gru frowns and takes off his sunglasses. GRU Hm. "Bake My Day." Blech. INT: BAKE MY DAY - CONTINUOUS Gru unlocks the door and enters. JINGLE! BELLS on the door ring. The inside is sugary and clean and quaint. Gru takes it all in. Then turns to the minions. GRU Alright, here is the cupcake recipe I got off the internet. The minions excitedly grab the recipe and head for the kitchen. Gru kicks Stuart, who is still staggering around in the potted plant. GRU (CONT'D) And don't go nuts with the sprinkles! Gru is left alone. He looks around. Sees a BUNNY CUPCAKE in a glass cake dish. Then a SHARK CUPCAKE in the next cake dish. And in the next dish he sees Lucy's head. She makes a funny face. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 27. Gru SCREAMS, which causes Lucy to SCREAM and jump up, hitting her head on one of the shelves, sending all of the CUPCAKES flying. Lucy immediately goes into action, using incredible and frankly weird-looking MARTIAL ARTS MOVES to dispatch the cupcakes as they fly toward her. LUCY Ha! Yaa! Ho! Ooof! Zaaa! Ay-ay- ay-ay-ay! She successfully eliminates all of the cupcakes, then turns to Gru, out of breath. LUCY (CONT'D) Whoo. Wasn't expecting that. (strikes a martial arts pose) Or was I? Gru has a cupcake stuck to the top of his head, frosting side down. Lucy gestures as if he's got a little food on his face. LUCY (CONT'D) Ooh... you got... You got... a little... The cupcake slowly slides down, then falls to the floor. It leaves a long smear on Gru's face. LUCY (CONT'D) Here, I'll-- I'll get it. Gru stands frozen as she tries to clean him up. LUCY (CONT'D) Oh, that's just spreading...um... GRU Alright, alright. I got it. I got it!... Stop it! Lucy backs off. LUCY Oh! I'll let you get it. Gru SIGHS and wipes the frosting off his face. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 28. LUCY (CONT'D) Yeah, what you just saw there was a little something new I've been working on. It's a combination of Jujitsu, Krav Maga, Aztec warfare, and krumping. GRU Okay, that's weird--why are you here? LUCY On assignment from Silas. I'm your new partner. Yay! GRU What?! No, no "yay." Ramsbottom didn't say anything about a partner. LUCY Well, seems that because of your checkered past, everyone else refused to work with you. But not me. I stepped up. And I'm new, so I kind of have to do what they tell me anyway. Gru is about to respond when Dave the minion comes out the kitchen door. He carries a cupcake in the shape of a Minion. DAVE Walla! Immediately Lucy moves with lightning-quick reflexes. She smashes his cupcake, flips him into the air, and pins him to the counter. Dave SCREAMS. LUCY You know this guy? GRU Yes, he's one of my minions. LUCY Oh, I'm sorry. I should have known. She releases him. LUCY (CONT'D) You're free to go. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 29. Dave stares at Lucy. Immediately smitten. A magical glow appears around her as romantic music plays. We go into Dave's fantasy. EXT: BEACH - DAY - FANTASY Dave and Lucy run along a beach together hand in hand. EXT: FIELD - DAY - FANTASY Dave and Lucy have a romantic picnic together. They toast each other with champagne. Dave drinks from the bottle. EXT: BRIDGE - NIGHT - FANTASY Lucy and Dave sit on the railing of a moonlit footbridge. Both fire ROCKETS into the air to create fireworks and are about to kiss when-- GRU (V.O.) Dave... INT: BAKE MY DAY - DAY Back to reality, where Dave is staring up at Lucy, lovestruck. GRU Earth to Dave! You can leave now. Dave goes back into the kitchen, never taking his eyes off of Lucy. INT: MALL - DAY CLOSE ON the Giant Cupcake on top of the cupcake shop. The CHERRY on the Giant Cupcake rotates, revealing a CAMERA hidden inside. VZZZZZT! The lens zooms. GRU (O.S.) Now, what do we got? Who's on the list? Fire `em at me. INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Gru and Lucy stand next to each other under a domed lamp lowered from the ceiling. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 30. Inside the dome of the lamp, Gru and Lucy are uncomfortably close together looking at a video screen. LUCY First suspect...Hedda Blumentoft, proprietor of Mum's the Word Floral Shop. The camera moves over to Mum's the Word Floral Shop and HEDDA BLUMENTOFT. GRU No. Not her. LUCY Okay, moving on... The camera moves over to the "Stuff-A-Bear" store. CHUCK KINNEY, a small perky man, holds up an empty teddy bear skin for a little boy. LUCY (CONT'D) Chuck Kinney, owner of "Stuff-A- Bear." Kinney shoves the teddy bear's butt onto a sharp metal tube. The bear inflates until it EXPLODES into a torrent of bear skin and stuffing. The little boy CRIES. LUCY (CONT'D) Ooh. GRU I don't think so. DING-A-LING-A-LING! The bell rings on the cupcake shop's front door, signaling a customer. EDUARDO (O.S.) Hello? GRU Oh! Gru and Lucy quickly hide their equipment, look up and see EDUARDO PEREZ at the door. They try to act natural. EDUARDO Buenos dias, my friends! I am Eduardo Perez, owner of Salsa & Salsa Restaurant, across the mall. Now open for breakfast. And you are? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 31. GRU Gru. And this is Lucy. And we are closed. EDUARDO This is just gonna take un momento. I am throwing a big Cinco de Mayo party, and I am going to need two hundred of your best cupcakes decorated with the Mexican flag. It looks something like this. He rips open his shirt, revealing a TATTOO of the Mexican flag on his chest. EDUARDO (CONT'D) What do you think? He flexes and makes it wave. Gru hides his eyes. GRU Look away! Lucy stares at it. LUCY You-- Whoa... Hooo... EDUARDO Anyway, I have to go. It's all settled! I pick `em up next week! Have a good day. Come by if you get a chance, okay? He exits. Gru GROANS, relieved. Finally! Then Eduardo pops back in. EDUARDO (CONT'D) And welcome to the mall family! Gru studies Eduardo's face and GASPS. He pictures Eduardo in a red luchador mask surrounded by flames. Eduardo turns and leaves. As soon as the door closes-- GRU (whispers) El Macho. LUCY What? GRU But it couldn't be... DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 32. LUCY Wha-- What? What couldn't be?? GRU That guy looks exactly like a villain named El Macho. From about twenty years ago. EXT: DESERT - DAY - FLASHBACK Classic Spaghetti western sepia-toned shot of El Macho looking menacing. He looks like the large Hispanic man from the mall, only younger and wearing a Lucha Libre outfit and mask (a mask which looks similar to the one Gru imagined). El Macho pushes the BARKEEP out of the way and grabs a large bottle from behind the bar. GRU (V.O.) He was ruthless. He was dangerous. And as the name implies, very macho. El Macho pours himself a shot and then smashes the bottle over his own head. He reaches down and pulls up a rattlesnake from below the bar. He squeezes its head, squirting venom into the shot glass. He drinks it down and then eats the glass. He sticks the snake's fangs into a few dollars that he leaves on the bar, before breaking through the wall behind him, leaving an EL Macho-shaped hole. EXT: STREET - DAY - FLASHBACK El Macho head butts an armored truck and approaches the passenger side window. GRU (V.O.) He had a reputation for pulling off heists using only his bare hands. When the ARMED GUARDS look over he punches through the bullet- proof glass, knocking them both out of the truck. Then he lifts the truck onto his back and runs down the street with it. GRU (V.O.) Ah, but sadly, like all the greats, El Macho was gone too soon. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 33. EXT: SKY - DAY - PAST A bird, flying in the air, is suddenly struck by an airplane. GRU (V.O.) He died in the most macho way possible. El Macho leaps out of the plane riding a SHARK, a ton of DYNAMITE strapped to him. He plummets toward the mouth of an ACTIVE VOLCANO. GRU (V.O.) Riding a shark with 250 pounds of dynamite strapped to his chest into the mouth of an active volcano. He pulls two grenades from behind his back, yanks the pins, and holds onto them as he plunges into the volcano. There is a MASSIVE EXPLOSION. GRU (V.O.) It was glorious. INT: BAKE MY DAY - DAY Lucy stares at Gru, confused. LUCY Yeah, sounds like El Macho's pretty dead... GRU They never found the body. Oh no. All that was ever retrieved was a pile of singed chest hair. (beat) But... that face. It has got to be El Macho. Lucy gets an excited look on her face. LUCY Then what do you say you and I break into his restaurant? Tonight. Gru nods at Lucy's invitation. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 34. GRU Yes, that's good, because I'm telling you--if anybody in this place has the PX-41 serum... Gru looks out the window and points at Eduardo riding up on the escalator, scratching his butt. GRU (CONT'D) ...it's him. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Gru enters and pushes the girls into their beds like a tour guide anxious to finish a tour. GRU Alright, alright, homework done, pajamas on, teeth brushed, time for bed. MARGO What's the big hurry? GRU I just... I have a lot of work to do. EDITH Work, what kind of work? GRU Very important business. So...hugs, kisses... (hugs and kisses them) ...good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs blah-blah-blah-blah- blah-- Gru turns to leave, but Agnes is standing at the doorway. AGNES But you said you'd help me practice my part for the Mother's Day show! Gru looks down at Agnes' puppy dog eyes. He SIGHS. GRU Fine, fine... Let me hear it. Quickly. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 35. INT: GRU'S FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT On Agnes. She gives her lines. AGNES (robotically) She kisses my boo-boos She braids my hair My mother is beyond compare We love you, mothers, everywhere! Gru frowns. GRU Wow! That was...something else. I really liked the way you smiled at the end. Let's try this one more time, but a teensy bit less like a zombie, okay? AGNES Okay. (still monotone) She kisses my boo-boos She braids my hair-- GRU Perfect! Time to go! As he heads for the door-- AGNES I don't think I should do this. This stops Gru. GRU Well, what do you mean? Why not? AGNES I don't even have a mom. Ouch. But Gru tries not to let this affect him. GRU Well, you don't need one to do the show. I mean, you did the Veterans Day Pageant and you haven't been in combat. Agnes looks up at Gru. AGNES This is different. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 36. GRU Okay, well, then...maybe you can just use your imagination. AGNES You mean I pretend I have a mom? GRU Yes, right. You can do that, can't you? Agnes smiles. AGNES Yeah! I do that all the time! Thanks, Gru! She gives him a kiss and runs off. Gru watches her go, deep in thought. INT: REC ROOM - NIGHT TWO MINIONS raise their ice cream sundaes and clink them together! MINIONS Hey! Pull back to reveal many minions singing and dancing. We move through the crowd, passing by the mace-wielding minion with his helmet still backwards and a smaller server minion with a tray of ice cream sundaes in mugs. We cut up to the rafters, where more minions are dancing and singing in formation, jumping and hopping all over the place in elaborate dance routines. Back on the floor, three arm-in-arm minions take the chorus. One of them clearly having had one too many sundaes is being held up by the other two. Another minion tries to carry empty mugs down a spiral staircase, but he's knocked off by a bunch of minions running up the other way. Several minions sit around a communal bowl of ice cream, lazily sipping at it through long straws. Gru enters and takes it all in. Other minions raid an ice cream cart, hanging from the canopy, drinking directly from the spouts. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 37. GRU Alright, hey, hey-- No, no, no, no! Hey, please! The Minions stop singing. GRU (CONT'D) Kevin, Jerry, watch the girls for me, okay? (points) Dave, Stuart--come this way. With me! Come on! Dave downs a jar of maraschino cherries and sprays whip cream into his mouth before running after them, with a toothpick umbrella in his mouth for good measure. GRU (O.S.) (CONT'D) Come on! Once they are gone, the Minions go back to singing and laughing. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Margo, Edith and Agnes are fast asleep in their beds. Kevin and Jerry sing them a lullaby. Then smile and quietly close the door. INT: HALLWAY - SAME Kevin holds up a golf ball. Jerry happily jumps up and down. KEVIN Hey, putt-putt? JERRY Oh! INT: LIVING ROOM - LATER Jerry puts the tee and ball in his mouth as Kevin stands on a dresser, preparing to take a swing. He asks Jerry if he's ready and Jerry gives a thumbs up. KEVIN Una, doo-- (laughs as he lowers the golf club to Jerry's head) DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 38. CRASH! CLANG! A noise comes from the backyard. The minions exchange looks. What was that? EXT: BACKYARD - NIGHT Kevin and Jerry step out into the yard and look around nervously, armed only with the golf club and tee. KEVIN Boca! JERRY (scared) Boca! They walk over to the garbage cans. The cans begins to rattle. Kevin and Jerry SCREAM as a CAT pops up from one of the cans. The cat MEOWS. Kevin LAUGHS at him and imitates Jerry's scared face. KEVIN Looka too! Jerry slaps him. Kevin slaps him back. They start to slap fight until-- A SPOTLIGHT comes down from above, lighting up the terrified minions. Before they can scream... WOOSH! Jerry is sucked up into the air as if being abducted by aliens. Kevin grabs onto a flower, and then the cat to try and anchor himself down, but they both fly up into the air. The light goes out. A few seconds later the light comes back on and drops the cat back down. It turns off again and the Minions are gone. EXT: MALL - NIGHT The mall is dark and the parking lot is empty, except for two minions and Lucy's car. INT: MALL - SAME A lone SECURITY GUARD walks through the dark mall, listening to music on his headphones. He passes by Eduardo's Salsa & Salsa. Shines his light inside. All clear. He moves on. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 39. Once the guard is gone, a floor tile is moved aside and Gru peeks out. After making sure the coast is clear, Gru calls down. GRU (whispers) We're stealth ninjas. We make no sound. LUCY Right. Gotcha. INT: EDUARDO'S SALSA & SALSA - LATER Lucy kicks the door open. She enters. Gru reacts. GRU Alright, El Macho, you're going down. But before Gru takes a step, Lucy stops him. LUCY Wait! Wait! GRU What? She produces a SPRAY CAN and sprays the air in front of her. Gru frowns. GRU (CONT'D) What are you doing? LUCY I'm checking for laser beam alarm triggers. GRU It's a restaurant! LUCY You never know what kind of booby traps this guy could have set. Huh? C'mon! GRU There are no booby traps! Gru takes a step and kicks a TRIPWIRE attached to a tiny bell. TING-A-LING! Lucy points to the bell. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 40. LUCY Ha! Booby! Lucy GASPS as a door begins to creak open. She hides behind Gru. A tiny CHICKEN hops out. It CLUCKS. Lucy is confused. LUCY (CONT'D) Oh. There's a chicken. Are you lost little guy? You must be lost! GRU Ha! Some guard dog. Suddenly, the chicken leaps into the air and lands on Gru, pecking his bald head. GRU (CONT'D) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiigh! Gru runs in circles, trying to get the chicken off. GRU (CONT'D) Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Gru SCREAMS as the chicken goes up his shirt and bursts out of his sweater through the chest, "Alien"-style. He grabs it. GRU (CONT'D) I got you! It pecks him on the head, escapes, and continues to attack him. Lucy thinks fast and grabs a tablecloth from a table. She lunges and covers the chicken with the table cloth. LUCY I got it! Ha! She tightens the tablecloth around Gru's neck, trapping the chicken and Gru's head inside. A muffled scream comes from under the table cloth and Lucy realizes what she's done. Gru runs around trying to get the tablecloth off his head. Lucy does a karate flip/body slam on Gru and the chicken. She removes the table cloth. Gru's head has been replaced by the chicken! LUCY (CONT'D) Ha! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 41. She goes to karate chop the chicken, but it flies off and she hits Gru in the face instead. LUCY (CONT'D) Oh! The chicken regroups, CLUCKS, and attacks. Lucy acts fast and presses a button on her watch, squirting FOAM onto the chicken. FSSSSSSHT! The foam instantly hardens into a glass ball around the chicken. Only its head sticks out. It wobbles back and forth like a Weeble. Lucy turns to Gru. GRU (dazed) Ugh... LUCY What is wrong with that chicken? (beat) Hey, that pollo? Es loco. Gru is unimpressed. LUCY (CONT'D) (noticing Gru's wounds) No? Okay, let's go. INT: KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Gru and Lucy step into the kitchen. Lucy pulls out a HIGH- TECH SCANNING DEVICE and aims it around the kitchen. GRU You getting anything? LUCY No. Not yet. But hey, maybe you can find something with these x-ray goggles. Lucy produces a pair of HIGH TECH goggles. Gru shakes his head. GRU (skeptically) Bah... Gru puts them on and looks around the kitchen. We now see the room from his X-RAY POV. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 42. LUCY (O.S.) How're they working? Tell me, tell me! Gru turns to Lucy and sees her as a SKELETON. GRU Ahh! Ooof! LUCY What's wrong? Something wrong? GRU Oh, that's an image I'll never get out of my brain. Blagh! Gru makes a face, disturbed. Then quickly turns away and spots something behind a painting on the wall...a safe. Sees something inside it--a METAL CANISTER. Smiles. GRU (CONT'D) I knew it! He goes to the wall and removes the painting, revealing the SAFE. GRU (CONT'D) The serum is in here! LUCY Ooh, then let's get it! He produces a SAFE-CRACKING DEVICE and places it over the combination wheel. Lights blink and it goes to work. GRU (gleefully giggling) Oh, this is going to be good! Ahh... CLICK. The safe opens, revealing--a JAR OF SALSA ("EDUARDO'S SECRET RECIPE"). GRU (CONT'D) A-ha! (registering it's not the serum) What? It's... salsa? LUCY (disappointed) Awww man. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 43. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo enters the restaurant. Senses something isn't right. Frowns angrily. EDUARDO Oh... somebody's going to die tonight. He cautiously walks through the restaurant. Sees the chicken in the ball of cement. Gasps. EDUARDO (CONT'D) Pollito! Eduardo runs over to Pollito and picks him up. EDUARDO (CONT'D) What'd they do to you? Pollito? Can you hear me? POLLITO Boc! EDUARDO Who would do this to such a sweet little chicken? What? Who's there? His eyes darken. INT: KITCHEN - SAME Gru and Lucy, who are ravenously eating the delicious salsa with chips, turn to the door. Uh-oh. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo, carrying the chicken, makes his way to the kitchen. Grabs a LARGE KNIFE off of a table. EDUARDO You coming out?! Or am I gonna go in?! INT: KITCHEN - SAME Gru and Lucy react to hearing Eduardo's voice. Gru pulls a LASER CUTTER out of his jacket. Aims it at the ceiling. TWEEEE! The LASER fires, cutting a hole in the ceiling. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 44. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo approaches the kitchen, brandishing the knife. Ready to confront any intruders. He shoves open the door and sees chips and the salsa container sitting in the open wall safe. INT: KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Eduardo enters the room, just in time to see a pair of legs disappear into the ceiling. EDUARDO Stop! Lucy quickly pops down and hits him in the eyes with her foam- shooting watch. EDUARDO (CONT'D) My eyes! He rubs his eyes, dropping the chicken and cracking its encasement. INT: MALL - SAME Lucy and Gru quickly run through the mall. LUCY Gru, call one of your munchkins! Gru produces a communicator and calls into it. GRU We've been spotted! Come get us! INT: LUCY'S CAR - SAME One minion sits on the hood of the car. The other leans against a tire, toothpick in his mouth. DAVE Huh? (to the other minion) Hey! Loo-koo-meow-plah! STUART Ah! Koom-kwat! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 45. INT: MALL - SAME SMASH! The car crashes through the glass doors and speeds through the mall. They crash into a bunch of cleaning supplies being pushed by a janitor. Gru and Lucy watch them from the balcony above. LUCY Hm. Subtle. They both run over to meet the car at the escalators. The car heads for the escalators. As they reach the bottom, Gru and Lucy realize the minions are about to go up the other one! GRU Over here, over here! Over... here. Too late. The minions shake as they go up the bumpy stairs. Once they reach the top they take a left and start driving in circles around the balcony. Gru pulls out a grappling hook and aims for the balcony railing. GRU (CONT'D) (grabbing Lucy) Hold tight! They shoot up and land right back where they started - at Salsa & Salsa! The minions zoom by in the car and Gru SIGHS in exasperation. Just then, Eduardo emerges from the restaurant with fire in his eyes and a knife in his hand. Eduardo produces many more KNIVES and heads straight for them. EDUARDO I have you now! BAM! Eduardo is struck unconscious by Lucy's car. Just in time. Lucy opens the car door. One of the minions holds a toothpick in his hand and leans on the steering wheel, seductively. DAVE Rawr, rawr! The other minion revs the engine suggestively. Eduardo starts to wake up. The car zooms past him. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 46. EXT: MALL DOME - SAME CRASH! Lucy's car plummets towards the ground. Gru SCREAMS hysterically, but Lucy just hits a button and the car TRANSFORMS into a jet. They fly off into the night sky. EXT: GRU'S NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING It's a beautiful morning. An ICE CREAM TRUCK makes its way down the street (playing the song the minions were singing earlier). It stops and a couple of CHILDREN run to meet it. Stuart opens Gru's front door, having heard the commotion. Two other minions approach as well. Stuart spots the ice cream truck and points to it, excited. STUART Oh! Oh! Gelato! And then suddenly a MOB OF MINIONS appears running for the ice cream truck alongside the group of children. The minions shove the children aside and clamor around the truck holding out their money. MINIONS Gelato! Gelato! Gelato! Stuart pushes himself to the top of the unruly pack and tries to maintain order. STUART Stopa! Stopa!! A hush comes over the minions. STUART (CONT'D) (knocking on the truck) Hey-ho! Gelato! Suddenly the ice cream cone on top of the truck transforms into a LARGE TUBE and extends itself above the minions. Stuart offers the tube a wad of cash and attempts to order gelato, but the it begins SUCKING the minions into it. ZUP! ZUP! ZUP! One by one the minions (dozens of them, including the minion with his head still trapped in the jelly jar) are sucked into the truck until there is only one left. He tries to make a break for it, but the truck lowers a popsicle in front of him. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 47. He licks it, his tongue sticks, and he is yanked back into the ice cream cone. The it closes and the truck drives away. The children look on puzzled. EXT: PARADISE MALL - DAY The hole that Lucy's car crashed through last night has been patched with plywood boards. INT: PARADISE MALL - DAY PULL BACK TO REVEAL that Gru is inside a GARBAGE CAN DISGUISE. Next to him is Lucy, also in a GARBAGE CAN DISGUISE, using binoculars. LUCY (O.S.) All right, there he is. Suspect #8: Floyd Eaglesan. BINOCULARS POV Floyd Eaglesan attempts to entice a customer to visit his business, Eagle Hair Club. GRU Oh. Okay. LUCY See if you can get closer. Go...go. Gru quickly stands up, revealing his legs, and takes several steps toward Eagle Hair Club. Floyd looks over his shoulder, and Gru stops. Floyd enters Eagle Hair Club and Gru inches closer. GRU Alright, what do-- BINOCULARS POV Suddenly a MAN approaches the trash can with a steaming cup of coffee. The binoculars readout says "WARNING! EXTREMELY HOT." GRU (CONT'D) (to himself) Oh no. That's not good. The man goes to throw the coffee in the trash and we see Gru's legs pop out from beneath the can. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 48. The man looks confused and tries again. Gru dodges and takes off running. The man chases after him. Gru accidentally knocks into a bent-over woman's rear end. Insulted, she turns around, sees the man with the coffee, and slaps him across the face. Unfortunately, Gru doesn't see the escalator ahead and goes tumbling down the moving stairs. CRASH! BANG! CLANG! Finally, Gru pops out of the trash can and lands at the bottom of the escalator with a THUD! Flat on his face, he hears a familiar voice call out. AGNES (O.S.) Hey Gru! Gru looks up and sees Margo, Edith and Agnes. GRU Oh! Girls! What are you doing here? MARGO Well, we thought we'd come visit you at work. (looks at Gru and the trash can) So, you're saving the world in a garbage can? GRU (sarcastically) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...funny. Lucy arrives on the scene, joining them. LUCY Hey, there you are. Oh, who's this? GRU Lucy, these are my girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes. Girls, Lucy. Lucy, girls. MARGO Hello. EDITH Hi. Agnes gazes lovingly at Lucy. A magical glow appears around Lucy, who smiles back. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 49. AGNES Are you single? LUCY Oh! Goodness... Gru, immediately uncomfortable, claps his hands together. GRU Oh! Hey! I have an idea! Since Lucy and I have lots of work to do, why don't you girls go and explore the mall! Gru quickly shuffles the girls away from Lucy, trying to get out of the uncomfortable situation. Gru pulls out his wallet. GRU (CONT'D) Here is some money. Go buy some useless mall junk! Some headbands, and-- AGNES Are you gonna marry Lucy? GRU Are you out of your gourd? No! She just works with me. AGNES Plus you love her. (sings) You love her, you love her, you really really love her, and you're gonna get married, and I will be the flower girl, and-- GRU Okay, stop! That is a song of lies. I don't even like her! (points to mall) Now go have fun! Gru SIGHS. The girls run off, but quickly return to hug Gru. AGNES Almost forgot! Hugs! MARGO Good luck saving the world. Bye! AGNES Bye, Gru! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 50. Lucy watches the group hug. Smiles. Gru heads back over to Lucy, embarrassed by Agnes. GRU Ha, ha, ha! Kids...right? They're...funny. LUCY Those girls totally adore you. I bet you're a fun dad. GRU Huh. (beat) I am pretty fun. INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY The girls are at the MALL FOUNTAIN. Agnes has her eyes closed and a very intense look on her face, as if she's really concentrating on something. There is something in her tightly clenched fist. She tosses a PENNY. Then opens her eyes, waiting for her wish to come true. Then Edith emerges from the water wearing a DIVING MASK AND SNORKEL, hands full of COINS. AGNES Is that stealing? EDITH Not if my wish was that I would get a lot of free coins. Margo is busy texting. Then something offscreen catches her eye. It's a boy. This is ANTONIO. Suave, cool, and a bit dangerous. We watch in SLOW MOTION as he strolls behind the fountain, and then disappears in its spraying water. Margo looks for Antonio. Backs into the fountain and nearly falls into it. MARGO Whoa! Antonio catches her. ANTONIO Cool glasses. Margo CHUCKLES nervously. He helps her back up. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 51. ANTONIO (CONT'D) I'm Antonio. MARGO I'm...Margo. ANTONIO I was just going to get a cookie. Care to join me? MARGO Uh, sure. I'm...Margo. They begin walking away together, then Margo is reminded of her sisters when Edith loudly clears her throat. MARGO (CONT'D) Um...I'll catch up with you guys later. Bye! She turns and runs after Antonio. EDITH Can I be the first to say...Ewwww! Agnes grabs Edith and shakes her. AGNES We gotta go tell Gru! EXT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - DAY Gru approaches Eagle Hair Club. GRU All right, I'm going in. LUCY (IN HEADPHONES) If it picks up any traces of the serum the sensor in your belt buckle-- Gru activates the high-tech scanning device on his belt buckle. INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Lucy is in the cupcake shop monitoring the scanning device results. She can hear him and see from his POV. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 52. LUCY --will make a sound like this-- MEE- MO-MEE-MO-MEE-MO!!! GRU (annoyed) Okay! I get it! I get it! INT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - SAME Gru fumbles with the automatic door, then enters Eagle Hair Club. FLOYD (O.S.) (chuckles) Welcome to Eagle Hair Club. At the reception desk, a large chair shaped like an eagle spins around. Sitting in the chair is Floyd, looking sinister and petting a FURRY OBJECT that looks like a cat. FLOYD (CONT'D) It's about time you showed up...Mr. Gru. His pet BALD EAGLE perched next to him SQUAWKS. GRU You...know my name? FLOYD (chuckles) When someone moves into the mall who is follically challenged, I make it my business to know all about them. You are bald. And that is bad. He strokes the furry object. Kisses it. Then places it on a MANNEQUIN HEAD. It's a TOUPEE. FLOYD (CONT'D) There you go, my sweet. INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Lucy monitors the chem-tracking device from inside the shop. LUCY I'm getting nothing so far. I think you need to move around. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 53. INT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - SAME Gru listens in on the headphones. He steps over to a wall on which hangs a PAINTING of Floyd flying with eagles. GRU Wow, this looks interesting. What is it? Gru thrusts his hips at the painting. Floyd watches him, suspicious. FLOYD I take it you're an art lover? LUCY (IN HEADPHONES) No serum. GRU Yeah, not so much. He walks over to a podium with a TROPHY. He thrusts his hips at that, too. GRU (CONT'D) Oh, how about this impressive trinket? FLOYD I'd hardly call it a trinket, Mr. Gru. LUCY (in headphones) Nothing. FLOYD The International-- GRU Yeah, I don't care. Floyd GRUMBLES in frustration. Gru moves to a shelf filled with WIG SAMPLES. He straddles it. LUCY (in headphones) MEE-MO-MEE-MO-MEE-MO!!! Hold on. I'm picking up something! Behind that wall! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 54. GRU Ah! And what do we have here? Floyd grabs a sample. FLOYD These are my trial wigs. (holds out wig to Gru) You should take one. Gru sticks his head into the shelf to investigate. GRU No thanks. So what's on the other side of the wall? FLOYD Here you are! Look at me! Focus! LUCY (in headphones) Gru? FLOYD I promise that this wig will transform you from ugly to irresistible. Gru stares at the wig. Clearly getting caught up in what Floyd's saying. Gru is about to respond when suddenly Edith and Agnes burst in, out of breath. AGNES MARGO HAS A BOYFRIEND! EDITH AND THEY'RE GOING ON A DATE! Gru stares at them. GRU Date??? Boyfriend??? (yells at Floyd) What??? Floyd shrugs. INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY Gru, Edith and Agnes race across the mall. Then Agnes points over to the salsa restaurant as Margo and Antonio walk in. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 55. AGNES There she goes! INT: EDUARDO'S SALSA & SALSA - DAY Gru enters to see Margo and Antonio sitting together in the back of the restaurant together. Margo laughs at something Antonio said. MARGO Oh, you're so funny... EDITH Gross! Look, they're in love! These words hit Gru like a smack in the face. GRU Oh, no, no, no! Do not say that they are...no no no, no! He storms in. Edith and Agnes follow. ANTONIO (O.S.) ...and my dream is to one day play video games for a living. MARGO Wow. You're so complicated. Gru storms over to Margo. Attempts a smile. GRU Margo. What is going on here? MARGO Oh! Gru, se llama Antonio. Me llamo Margo. GRU Me llama-lama-ding-dong, who cares. Let's go. SALSA MUSIC begins to play and a curtain opens across the room. WOOSH! Someone leaps out, spinning like a tornado, then lands in the middle of the restaurant with a flourish. It's Eduardo. MARGO Whoa! Everyone in the restaurant cheers. Gru frowns. Not this guy! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 56. The music continues and Eduardo dances across the floor and out into the mall where he grabs a passing SHOPPER and pulls her into the restaurant. The confused woman holds on for the ride as Eduardo twirls and dances her all around the floor. He dips her and she melts, as do all of the women watching. Eduardo gazes into the woman's eyes and produces a business card. EDUARDO Kids eat free on Tuesdays. The woman grabs the business card from his hand with her teeth. Then Eduardo flings her across the floor and she twirls back out into the mall where she knocks over her confused husband. Then the song comes to an end and Eduardo strikes a final pose. Everyone in the studio cheers. GIRLS Yeah! Wahoo! Cool! Awesome! Everyone except Gru. Eduardo walks over to him and gives him a big warm hug. EDUARDO So good to see you again, mi compadre! Gru tries to get out of the hug as quickly as he can. ANTONIO Oh, I see you have already met my father. GRU What the-- Father?! EDUARDO Si! Look at this crazy small world we live in, eh? Come, sit, let me get you something. Gru looks down and sees Eduardo's chicken glaring at him. It SQUAWKS. It's unsettling. GRU Oh... look at you. Eduardo scoops the chicken up. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 57. GRU (CONT'D) (nervous) Haha. He likes me! Gru tries to pet the chicken but Pollito lunges at him. EDUARDO Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Pollito is usually very friendly. (cradling Pollito) He had a rough night. The chicken stares relentlessly. Gru CHUCKLES nervously. GRU Well, we really should be going. Girls, come on. Gru tries to gather the girls, but Eduardo stops him, pushing Antonio and Margo closer together. EDUARDO That is a pity. Young love is beautiful, no? GRU No! (chuckling nervously) You know, they're not in love. They hardly know each other! Eduardo suddenly lights up, having an idea. EDUARDO You are right, Cabeza de Huevo! They must get to know each other better. Antonio, why don't you invite your girlfriend and her family to our Cinco de Mayo party? GRU No, no, I am-- GIRLS Si! The girls are all thrilled at this, as is Antonio. As if on cue, MUSIC begins playing and they all begin dancing together. Antonio takes Margo's hand and twirls her across the floor. Gru stares at Antonio with a look that could kill. A waiter comes by to give Gru a party drink, and he promptly crushes the glass with his bare hands. His eye twitches. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 58. INT: AVL HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT Gru and Lucy sit across from Silas at headquarters. SILAS I'm sorry, El Macho? Hadn't we eliminated him as a suspect? After the whole salsa incident? GRU Yes, but there has been a new development, and I'm telling you, this is the guy. You need to arrest him immediately. And his deviously charming son. I'm pretty sure that the son is involved, too. The son also. You've got to get the son. Gru approaches Silas. GRU (CONT'D) (whispers) I think that the son is the mastermind. There's a look. There's a devilish look in his eyes and I don't like it! SILAS Yes, but I don't really see any evidence for-- GRU Evidence schmevidence! I go with my gut, and my gut tells me that this guy is El Macho! Lock him up! Lock up the son. Don't forget about the son. The kid gives me the creeps! Silas takes a deep breath and rubs his temples. SILAS Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... Lucy jumps in, trying to save the situation. LUCY Uh, but, on the less... (whistles) ..."crazy" side of things, uh, Gru discovered traces of the serum at Eagle Hair Club. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 59. SILAS Hm... Interesting... LUCY Yeah, and you know who made that happen? Huh? (points to Gru) This guy. Nailed it. Amazing, right? GRU No. I mean, sure, but it's not him. It is... (whispers) ...El Macho. SILAS Mr. Gru. Please-- GRU No. It is him! And I will prove it! And Gru storms out. LUCY (calls after him) Gru, c'mon! Once he's gone, Silas gives Lucy a look. LUCY (CONT'D) (laughs nervously) He really thinks it's El Macho. Can you tell? Silas is not amused. EXT: BEACH - DAY The minion with the popsicle stuck to his tongue wakes up on a beach, disoriented. He slowly sits up-- --and sees hundreds of minions partying! This is where all the abducted minions were taken! There are minions sitting at a Tiki bar, being tended by a bartender minion... ...The French maid minion and a ukelele-playing minion are dancing in the sand. They wave at him... DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 60. Meanwhile, Jerry approaches the popsicle minion with two bananas. He gives him one, does a Hawaiian dance with the other, then runs off for the water. Popsicle minion tears off his overalls and follows suit. POPSICLE MINION Koonga! The Popsicle Minion, now nude, runs across the sand and jumps into a clear, blue ocean. We pull back to reveal that unbeknownst to any of the minions, this is all happening inside a large terrarium, and they are being watched by a mysterious figure in silhouette. INT: FAMILY ROOM - DAY Gru sits with his laptop. He's on the eVillain site. He clicks through various images of El Macho. Edith chases Kevin, who has the wig in his mouth. A minion sets a stack of magazines on the coffee table. Then "YOU ARE NO LONGER CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET" appears on Gru's screen. He grimaces and calls out. GRU Kevin, the wi-fi's out! Kevin? He looks to the minion at the coffee table. GRU (CONT'D) Hey, Lance! Where the heck is Kevin? The minion just shrugs and walks away. GRU (CONT'D) Alright, we need to revisit the number of vacation days you guys get. I can't find anybody anymore! DING-DONG! Someone's at the door. Gru turns to it. JILLIAN (O.S.) Gru! It's Jillian! Gru pretends to shoot himself. JILLIAN (O.S.) (CONT'D) I've got good news! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 61. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - SAME Jillian and her artificially beautiful friend SHANNON stand outside on Gru's porch. Shannon texts on her phone, looking bored. JILLIAN I have my friend Shannon here with me! I was thinking you two could get some grub, you know, tear it up! See what happens! INT: GRU'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS JILLIAN (O.S.) Uhh, open up! He sees Agnes walking by, singing softly and playing with her unicorn. He whisper-shouts to her. GRU Agnes! Agnes! Tell Jillian I'm not here! Agnes turns to the door. AGNES Gru's not here! JILLIAN Are you sure? AGNES Yes! He just told me! Gru, panicking, shakes his head and wags his fingers. AGNES (CONT'D) I mean no, he didn't just tell me! JILLIAN (laughs) Agnes--where is Gru? Gru makes the "zip your lips" gesture. AGNES He's putting on lipstick! Gru waves his arms. AGNES (CONT'D) He's swatting at flies! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 62. Gru waves his hand around his throat, making a "cut it off" gesture. AGNES (CONT'D) He's...chopping his head off! Gru clenches his fists and grunts in frustration. AGNES (CONT'D) He's...pooping? Outside, Jillian and Shannon look confused. JILLIAN (O.S.) I know you're in there, Gru! There's no way you're getting out of this! Kyle enters the room, carrying the bag with the wig in his mouth. EXT: RESTAURANT - NIGHT Establishing. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Shannon sits at a table talking to Gru, who's offscreen. A waiter drops off a plate of spaghetti. SHANNON I have to tell you, I was so nervous about tonight. I mean there's just so many phonies out there! CUT TO Gru sitting across from her. Wearing a ridiculous WIG from Floyd. And looking extremely uncomfortable. GRU Yes, I hear you. (awkwardly laughs) SHANNON Oh, so do you work out? GRU Well... SHANNON I mean, obviously, you don't, but would you consider it? Huh? (MORE) DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 63. SHANNON (CONT'D) Physical fitness is very important to Shannon. As you can tell, right? Huh? Shannon drops to the floor and starts doing push-ups. GRU Ah. I can tell. SHANNON (mid-push-up) Solid. She switches to one-armed push-ups. GRU We are in a restaurant, you know. Gru looks even more uncomfortable. Just then Lucy (unseen by Gru) enters the restaurant. She approaches the HOSTESS. LUCY Hi. Takeout for Lucy? HOSTESS Sure, just a sec. The Hostess leaves. Lucy looks around and then spots Gru. Sees him with the wig and Shannon who is now doing crunches on the floor. Lucy narrows her eyes, then has an idea. She presses a button on her watch, which transforms into a HIGH TECH EAVESDROPPING DEVICE, and puts it in her ear. Now she's able to hear Gru and Shannon talking. She watches them, intrigued. Shannon has returned to her seat. SHANNON Your accent is so exotic. GRU Ah. Well, thank you very much. I was-- SHANNON I know someone who can fix that for you. And you'll be talking normal in no time. Gru is starting to sweat. GRU Hahaha. Hoooo. Is it hot in here? Oof. How's the food? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 64. He wipes his brow and accidentally shifts the wig on his head. Shannon stares at Gru's hair. SHANNON Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you wearing a wig? GRU (really sweating it) What? Ah! (readjusts the wig) I don't think so. SHANNON I knew it. You're a phony. I hate phonies. GRU Oh. What? No. These locks are all mine... SHANNON No they're not! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna rip that thing off your head and show everyone what a bald-headed phony you are. LUCY I don't think so, Miss Lady. Lucy presses a button on her watch and a target sight pops out. Gru watches in horror as Shannon reaches across the table for the wig. Quickly Lucy presses another button on her watch which fires a MINI-DART GUN at Shannon. PLIP. The mini-dart goes into Shannon's butt, knocking her out instantly. And saving Gru from certain humiliation. Gru stares at the now sleeping Shannon, confused. GRU Hello... Hello, are you...? LUCY (O.S.) Hey, Gru. Gru quickly removes the wig. GRU Hello, Lucy, how you doin'...? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 65. LUCY (noticing Shannon) Wow, looks like your date's out for the count. It's like she's been shot with a mild moose tranquilizer. Shannon MOANS like a MOOSE, then passes out again. LUCY (CONT'D) (winks) Yeah, I'm winking `cuz that's what actually happened. AN ITALIAN WAITER approaches. ITALIAN WAITER (re: Shannon) `Scusi, whassa happenin' here? She no like? LUCY Oh, she's just uh-- (makes drinking gesture) The waiter nods and leaves. ITALIAN WAITER (laughs) Oh, oh, si, si... Lucy turns to Gru. LUCY Shall we take her home? EXT: RESTAURANT - NIGHT Gru and Lucy carry an unconscious Shannon out of the restaurant. Her head gets stuck in the swinging doors on the way out. They try to dislodge her and accidentally end up throwing her headfirst into a lamp post. They pick her up between them, Weekend at Bernie's-style. They wave to a passing COP. The cop tips his hat. EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - LATER Gru and Lucy get in her car. But it's cramped with Shannon in there too. She doesn't really fit. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 66. EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - LATER Lucy's car drives down the street. Gru and Lucy now have plenty of room in the car. We boom up to see that Shannon has been strapped to the roof like a deer. EXT: SHANNON'S HOUSE - NIGHT Gru and Lucy arrive at Shannon's house. Lucy comes to an abrupt stop and Shannon flies off the roof and slams into the car in front of them. EXT: SHANNON'S HOUSE - LATER Gru and Lucy sit on the front steps of Shannon's house. LUCY Well, I think you did it. You just officially had the worst date ever. GRU Huh, tell me about it. LUCY Don't worry--it can only get better from here, right? But if it doesn't, you can always borrow my dart gun. I've had to use it on one or two dates myself. GRU Yeah, you know, as far as dates go, I think I'm good with just the one. Gru and Lucy exchange looks. He CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY. Time to go. LUCY Well, good night, partner. She pats his shoulder and walks toward her car. Gru gets up to walk beside her. LUCY (CONT'D) This was fun. GRU Yes. Surprisingly, it was. LUCY Oh, and uh, just between you and me? You look much better bald. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 67. They smile at each other, and she gives him a peck on the cheek and walks away. LUCY (CONT'D) See you tomorrow! Gru smiles a big smile. Shannon slumps over on the porch behind him. Could he be...falling in love? INT: GRU'S BEDROOM - SAME RIIIING! Gru's ALARM CLOCK goes off. He reaches out and turns it off. Ready to greet the day. INT: SHOWER - DAY Gru happily washes in the shower, acting out a puppet show with his rubber ducky. GRU Quack! Quack! Quack! INT: BATHROOM - DAY Gru brushes his teeth with two toothbrushes. He jokingly arranges them in his mouth like walrus tusks, then BARKS like a seal. INT: KITCHEN - DAY HEART-SHAPED PANCAKES are served to the girls sitting at the table. Edith makes a face at getting hers. AGNES Yeah! MARGO So I take it the date went well? GRU No! It was horrible! He laughs gleefully. The girls exchange looks. What? Then he skips out of the room, dancing with a minion in the kitchen. Agnes's face lights up. Yes! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 68. EXT: STREET - DAY Gru makes his way to work--on foot: --he strolls down the sidewalk. --he passes a MAILMAN and gives him a high five. GRU High-five! Then a POLICEMAN, with whom he exchanges mimed gunfire. Then a NUN, with whom he bumps rumps. GRU (CONT'D) Bump it. Seeing something offscreen, Gru GASPS. --he stops traffic so a happy family of DUCKS can cross the street. --he plays ultimate frisbee with a bunch of COLLEGE KIDS, balancing the spinning disc on his pointy nose. --he joins a group of OLD LADIES doing Tai Chi. --he "air" drums with a couple of BUCKET DRUMMERS on the curb. --he picks a flower, then walks by a MAN and a WOMAN sitting alone with their backs to each other at a cafe. He quickly turns their chairs around so they find each other and hands the man the flower for the woman. They smile and Gru goes his merry way. INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY Gru continues happily dancing through the mall on his way to the cupcake shop. He shimmies with a FAT WOMAN on the escalator, then GAPS and stops suddenly upon seeing Eagle Hair Club closed. The MUSIC abruptly ends. Gru sees Silas speaking with an AVL AGENT. Gru approaches him. GRU (confused) Mr. Ramsbottom? SILAS Oh, hello. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 69. GRU What are you doing here? SILAS We got him. GRU Got who? SILAS Floyd Eaglesan! Our agents located a secret room in his shop last night, and uh, discovered this! He snaps his fingers and an AVL agent hands him a METAL CANISTER in a ziploc bag. Silas holds it up. SILAS (CONT'D) It's empty, but we found traces of the PX-41 serum in it. He's our man. So somehow, in spite of your incompetence, we solved this one. TWO AVL AGENTS carry Floyd away in handcuffs. FLOYD I was framed! You won't get away with this! Get your mitts off of me! I am a legitimate businessman! Gru turns back to Silas. He is stunned by this. GRU Ah. Alright. So...what now? SILAS Well, now you're free to go back to your "business." Mmmm. Jams and jellies. And it looks like Agent Wilde will be transferring to our Australian branch. GRU (in shock) Australia...? SILAS Yes. But thank you--for everything. And by everything of course I mean...nothing. (beat) Toodle pip and cheerio, Mr. Gru. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 70. Silas walks away to join the AVL agents. Gru stares blankly, sadly. And then Lucy approaches him. LUCY Hey there. GRU Hey. LUCY So...we got him. GRU Yay. That's great. (beat) And now you're going to Australia? LUCY Well, it's not definite yet. Still figuring it out. Already been working on my accent. (Australian accent) Wallaby. Diggeri-doo. Hugh Jackman. (beat) So...um. Pretty excited... GRU Great. Well...good luck. LUCY Thanks. You too. (remembering) Oh. Here. I wanted to give you this. She holds out her lipstick taser. GRU Your lipstick taser? LUCY Yeah, it's just a memento. Just, you know, from the first time we met. GRU Oh. Thank you, Lucy. Gru accepts the lipstick taser. SILAS (O.S.) Agent Wilde! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 71. Lucy ignores this and just waits, not wanting to leave. She and Gru stand there awkwardly. GRU Well... it looks like they need you, so... LUCY Yeah, I uh, I better go. Bye, Gru. And she leaves Gru. He stands there. Completely miserable. EXT: STREET - DAY Gru walks back home, completely depressed. Walks past the college kids playing frisbee. Catches the frisbee and tosses it down the sewer. Walks past the group of bucket drummers. As he passes he KICKS one of the buckets. Walks past the old ladies doing Tai Chi. As they balance on one leg he pushes them all and they all fall over. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT It's pouring rain. Gru sits alone outside his house. Miserable. And then an UMBRELLA approaches him. It looks like it's traveling on its own. But when it gets closer it lifts up, revealing Agnes. AGNES I brought you an umbrella. Gru takes the umbrella and Agnes joins him. They both huddle under it. GRU Ah, thank you. AGNES What're you doing out here? GRU Remember when you said that I liked Lucy? Well, it turns out...you're right. Agnes's face lights up. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 72. AGNES Really? GRU Yes, but...well, she's moving away. (sadly) I'm never going to see her again. Agnes's face falls. All her hopes and dreams shattered. But she tries to encourage Gru. AGNES Is there anything I can do to help? GRU Oh, I don't--I don't think so, sweetheart. AGNES Well, is there anything you could do? Gru thinks. INT: GRU'S OFFICE - DAY Gru is on the PHONE. GRU "Hello, Lucy. This is Gru. I know up to this point our relationship has been strictly professional, and you're leaving for Australia and all, but..." (struggles to get it out) Okay, here is the question. "Would you like to--to go out on a date?" PULL BACK TO REVEAL Dave the minion standing across from Gru, pretending to be on a cell phone on the other end of the line. And wearing a RED-HAIRED WIG. He shrugs. DAVE Eh, no. GRU Okay, that's not helping. He hangs up. GRU (CONT'D) All right. Here we go. For real this time. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 73. He stares at Lucy's card. Then turns to the phone. It's a stand-off. He does stretches and calisthenics to psych himself up. He SIGHS. GRU (CONT'D) I can do this. He stares down the phone again. It sits there, taunting him. We cut back and forth between Gru and the phone, until finally-- GRU (CONT'D) Agh! I hate you! He produces a FLAMETHROWER and burns up the phone. Dave dives out of the way. GRU (CONT'D) (satisfied) Ah. RIIIIIING !!! The FIRE ALARM goes off. CHOP! Suddenly AXES chop through the wall. Several minions in FIREMEN'S GEAR enter. Another minion imitates a siren through a bullhorn. SIREN MINION Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! One continues chopping everything in sight with his axe, then chops his way right through the wall of the house and falls outside. Another minion brings in a MASSIVE HOSE, turns it on, and goes flying around the room as it whips around like a snake. Dave tests out a fire extinguisher. SIREN MINION (CONT'D) Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Gru takes away the bullhorn from the Siren minion. But he keeps on making the noise. SIREN MINION (CONT'D) Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Dave fires the extinguisher at the Siren minion. He makes the noise again and Dave sprays him with the fire extinguisher, sending him flying offscreen. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 74. INT: MINION BEACH HABITAT - DAY The minions enjoy another day at the beach. Kevin the Golf minion drifts out in the water on an inner tube. He fixes his coconut bra, then unpeels a banana and eats it. INT: CONTROL ROOOM - SAME A hand pulls a lever in a control room. INT: MINION BEACH HABITAT - SAME Suddenly a WHIRLPOOL appears in the water right next to him. He gets sucked into it. Kevin is pulled down to the bottom of the habitat and into a TUBE. INT: LAB - SAME Kevin pops out of the tube and lands in a waiting metallic chair. His hat follows him down the tube and lands on his head. CLICK! A metal strap fastens around his waist. He shrugs and continues to eat the banana. FRENCH MAID MINION (O.S.) Kevin? Kevin looks over and sees the French Maid Minion strapped into a chair nearby. He has a banana too. KEVIN Tom? They raise their bananas in the air. KEVIN & FRENCH MAID MINION Bello! Compai! And then a GIANT DEVICE appears, looking like a huge, scary HYPODERMIC NEEDLE filled with purple liquid. The needle comes toward the French Maid Minion. FRENCH MAID MINION (to the needle) Compai! The needle is injected into him and administers the serum. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 75. The French Maid Minion starts to shake. Contorts. Then MORPHS into a PURPLE MINION. PURPLE FRENCH MAID MINION Blaaah! Kevin points and LAUGHS at him. He doesn't see the needle come down behind him. It injects him with the serum as well. KEVIN Oh... EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - DAY Gru's vehicle makes its way up the winding road to Eduardo's house. INT: GRU'S VEHICLE - SAME Gru drives the vehicle, looking deeply depressed. The girls sit in the back, dressed up for the Cinco de Mayo party. MARGO, EDITH & AGNES Cinco de May-yay-yo! Cinco de May- yay-yo! Cinco de May-yay-yo! Gru's expression doesn't change. They pull up to the front gate. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE GATE - SAME Gru's vehicle pulls up in front of the open gate in front of Eduardo's house. His car almost knocks a bunch of parked cars off the cliff. The grounds are set up for the most elaborate and fun Cinco de Mayo party of all time. Sumptuous spreads of MEXICAN FOOD everywhere. LANTERNS hanging from trees. PEOPLE having a great time. Gru and the girls enter the compound. EDITH Whoa! This place is awesome! GRU Okay. Let's party. Ah? But first let's go over the rules. Because what is fun without the rules? On Agnes with her mouth and arms full of churros. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 76. GRU (CONT'D) Agnes, easy on the churros. On Edith, swinging her ninja sword. GRU (CONT'D) Edith, try not to kill anyone. EDITH Hai! GRU Margo-- As Gru turns to Margo he sees that she is holding hands with Antonio, face-to-face, almost close enough to kiss. ANTONIO Hello, Mr. Gru. Gru furrows his brow. GRU Aghhh! Okay... He grabs Antonio and drags him far away from Margo. MARGO Gru! GRU There must be the standard six feet of space between you and boys. (re: Antonio) Especially this boy. Gru turns and sees that Antonio is back next to Margo. ANTONIO (laughs) You are a funny man. There are no rules, Señor! It's Cinco De Mayo! (to girls) Come on! They're starting the dance! He grabs Margo's hand and takes off. Edith and Agnes follow. Agnes explodes with delight. AGNES (rolling her r like crazy) Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriba! Gru watches them go. Frowns. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 77. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru, sneaking through the party, spots Antonio and Margo dancing. Gru sneaks up on Antonio, using the flashing strobe lights to cover his approach. Suddenly Antonio is gone and Gru is the one dancing with Margo, who has her back to him and is oblivious to what's going on. Antonio reappears and kicks Gru in the crotch from behind. He dances once again with Margo while Gru hunches over in pain. Gru then gets the upper hand and starts choking Antonio and shaking him. Margo turns around and sees this. Gru and Antonio see they are being watched by Margo and start casually dancing next to each other as if nothing is wrong. As the song ends, Margo takes Antonio's hand and pulls him away from Gru off the dance floor. Gru is defeated and all alone. INT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru sits by himself in the corner, sulking and staring at Lucy's lipstick taser. A WAITER walks by and places a tortilla chip sombrero on his head with the rim filled with guacamole. He breaks off a piece, dips it, and eats it. EDUARDO (O.S.) So glad you could make it, mi compadre. Gru looks up and sees Eduardo standing there. Gru quickly hides the taser. EDUARDO (CONT'D) (sensing something's wrong) Hey, what's wrong? GRU Oh, nothing. Nothing is wrong. I'm just chilling with the guac...from my chip hat. Gru takes another scoop of guacamole, smiles, and gives a thumbs up. A glob of guacamole falls from the sombrero. Eduardo puts his arm around him. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 78. EDUARDO Gru, please. I know that look all too well. It is the look of a broken heart. GRU How did you know? EDUARDO Believe me, my friend, I too have spent many nights trying to drown my sorrows in guacamole. GRU You? EL MACHO Yes. But we are survivors. There's much more to us than meets the eye. Enjoy the party. Eduardo gives Gru a meaningful look. And then walks away. Gru watches him go. Deep in thought. Gru notices Eduardo suspiciously sneak away from the party and head into the house. Gru gets up from the table and follows Eduardo. As he walks through the party, several partygoers break tortilla pieces off his sombrero to eat. INT: EDUARDO HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Eduardo enters a dimly-lit room. Gru sneaks behind and peers through a crack in the door. INT: SECRET MAYAN ROOM - CONTINUOUS Eduardo stands in the center of a secret room, which is lined with Mayan-style totem poles. He dances on the tile floor, which lights up and plays "La Cucaracha" with each strategic step. The musical pattern is a code which opens a secret passageway through the largest totem's mouth. Eduardo enters and the mouth closes behind him. Gru tentatively enters the room. He pauses at the tile floor. He tries to replicate Eduardo's "La Cucaracha" code, but a glob of guacamole from his sombrero falls to the floor and hits the wrong tile. This activates a booby-trapped totem pole, which halves Gru's sombrero with a spear. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 79. GRU What the--oh! Gru observes the destroyed sombrero in his hands. GRU (CONT'D) Huh. Gru attempts the code again, but missteps. An axe from the wall swings at him and misses. GRU (CONT'D) Oooh! Gru missteps again and one of the totems lights up and spits fire at him, burning his face. GRU (CONT'D) (dazed) Aaaahhh... He missteps again and a club whacks him over the head. GRU (CONT'D) Oh! One of the totems shoots darts at him, piercing his nose. GRU (CONT'D) (in pain) Aaaahhh! Gru falls to the floor. GRU (CONT'D) Oooohhh. His head hits the correct tile, and the Mayan passageway opens. Gru walks to the door, pointing at the totems and gloating. GRU (CONT'D) Aha! Ha ha ha-- The passageway doors slam on his arm. GRU (CONT'D) (in pain) Oh! He pulls his crushed arm through the doors. GRU (CONT'D) Ouch! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 80. EXT: SKY - DAY A 747 jets through the sky. INT: AIRPLANE - SAME Lucy sits alone and stares out the window. Depressed. She SIGHS. She grabs an in flight magazine and opens it up to an ad for wristwatches. It reads; "IN THE SKY, HE IS THE ONE MAN EVERYONE CAN TRUST" and shows a picture of Gru giving the thumbs up in a cockpit. LUCY Say what? Lucy reacts, shakes her head, and now the picture is just a regular airline pilot in the cockpit. Lucy turns the page. It's another ad, saying simply "Gru Now!" and showing a picture of a muscular Gru diving from a waterfall. She GASPS and slams the magazine shut, then slowly reopens it to find the picture is really just a random muscular guy diving. It says "GO NOW - TO HAWAII!" FLIGHT ATTENDANT (O.S.) Would you like some peanuts or pretzels? Lucy looks up from her magazine to see the flight attendant, who looks like Gru. She REACTS. Then looks across the aisle and sees a lady that looks and sounds like Gru, talking to another man who looks like Gru. FEMALE GRU PASSENGER Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good joke. Then Lucy looks behind her and sees the young mother looks like Gru. The baby turns around and also looks like Gru. GRU BABY I just did a boom boom. The flight attendant tries to get Lucy's attention. FLIGHT ATTENDANT I really need you to make a choice, hon. Close on Lucy as she has a moment of epiphany. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 81. LUCY I choose Gru. (to everyone) I CHOOSE GRU! Lucy runs to the exit door and flings it open. WOOSH! Air rushes throughout the cabin. LUCY (CONT'D) Thank you, Gru stewardess! The flight attendant stands up, recovering from her twirl. FLIGHT ATTENDANT You're welcome! The other passengers wave as the plane's oxygen masks fall from each overhead console. And with that, Lucy jumps from the plane, holding her purse. EXT: SKY - DAY As Lucy falls from the sky she presses a button on her purse and it transforms into a hanglider. She flies off with purpose. INT: TUNNEL - DAY Elevator doors open revealing EL MACHO'S UNDERGROUND LAIR. Gru stands in the doorway, pulling the dart out of his nose. The lair is a massive villainous complex that looks a lot like hell. Gru takes the place in. It's awesome and terrifying. The magnet ship is there! EDUARDO (O.S.) You have not lost your touch, my friend. Gru turns around and sees Eduardo dressed in El Macho's old wrestling outfit, like we saw in the flashback. GRU Ha ha! I knew it! You are El Macho! EL MACHO That's right! GRU Nobody believed me! Ho ho! But I knew you weren't dead! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 82. EL MACHO (laughing) Of course not. I merely faked my death, ha, ha! (beat) But now it's time for me to make a spectacular return to evil! Doctor, I think it's time we showed Gru what we're up to here. Standing in the middle of the lair's walkway is the one, the only...Dr. Nefario. GRU Dr. Nefario? DR. NEFARIO Nice to see you, Gru. GRU Whaaat? This-- So, this is your new job opportunity? DR. NEFARIO Absolutely. You're gonna like this. Dr. Nefario pulls a lever. A platform rises with the Purple Minion version of Kevin strapped to a chair on it. EL MACHO Sorry--I had to borrow some of your minions, but it was for a worthy cause. GRU Oh! Kevin? Agh! EL MACHO No, he's not Kevin anymore. Now he is an indestructible, mindless killing machine! KEVIN Blah! EL MACHO Just watch this! He then presses a BUTTON. --a machine gun lowers and the purple minion's RIDDLED with BULLETS, but unhurt. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 83. --a FLAMETHROWER shoots fire at the purple minion, but he's completely unharmed. --an axe is swung at him, but he just eats it. --an atom bomb falls on him, but he just swallows it and it explodes harmlessly in his belly. --a POLICE CAR is dropped onto him, and he devours it whole. Gru stares, stunned. EL MACHO (CONT'D) And here's the best part! I've got an ARMY OF THEM! The lights come on above El Macho, revealing hundreds of caged PURPLE MINIONS. Gru can't believe his eyes. El Macho LAUGHS. EL MACHO (CONT'D) Soon I will unleash them on the world--and if anyone, anyone, tries to stop them...YEOW! Their city gets eaten! (beat) We can do it together! GRU Together? EL MACHO Together! I have admired your work for years, amigo. Stealing the moon?! Are you kidding?! We would be unstoppable! Men like you, men like me, we should be ruling the world! (excitedly) So, are you in? Dr. Nefario pops a celebratory noisemaker in the background. DR. NEFARIO Woo-hoo! El Macho eagerly awaits Gru's reply. Gru just stares at him. How does he get out of this? GRU Uh...yeah...probably... El Macho is taken aback. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 84. EL MACHO Probably? Gru realizes he's in danger and quickly tries to backpedal. GRU I mean, yes! Yes. Of course, yes, I just have a lot going on right now...I just need to get some things off my plate before we start taking over the world, that's all. EL MACHO `Scuse me? GRU No--no, forget it! One hundred percent! I am in! (pretending to hear something) I think--what is--do you hear that-- I do. That's Agnes calling me from on the surf-- Gru steps into the elevator and the door shuts. Then opens. He's frantically trying to press the button that will return him to the surface. GRU (CONT'D) Totally in! The doors close and Gru is gone. El Macho stares, deep in thought. Clearly suspicious. EL MACHO You know what? I am not so convinced that he is in. El Macho presses a button that releases the Purple Minion. KEVIN Blah! EXT: EL MACHO'S HOUSE - SAME Edith knocks a piñata down with a BAT, then beats the crap out of it. GRU Edith! Agnes! Come on! SMACK! Edith accidentally hits Gru in the face with the bat. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 85. GRU (CONT'D) Ooof! Edith takes off her blindfold. EDITH Sorry. GRU We need to go home now! Where's Margo? AGNES But I didn't get a turn! EXT: OTHER SIDE OF EL MACHO'S HOUSE - DAY Margo sits at a table alone and depressed, wearing the chip hat. She looks like she's been crying. GRU Margo! Gru approaches her with the other girls in tow. GRU (CONT'D) Come on, we're leav--hey, what's wrong? MARGO I hate boys. Gru turns and sees Antonio dancing with a PRETTY GIRL. Gru frowns. GRU Yes...they stink. Sorry, honey, we've got to go. He takes her hand and leads her offscreen before popping back into frame and firing the freeze ray at Antonio. We see he is now frozen in a block of ice. EXT: EL MACHO'S DRIVEWAY - DAY SCREEECH! Gru's car pulls out of the driveway and speeds down the mountain, just as Lucy's hang glider lands at Eduardo's. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 86. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - DAY Lucy looks around, but doesn't see Gru. She maneuvers her way through the crowd. LUCY Oops, sorry! She makes it through, but still no sign of Gru. Suddenly Pollito appears and exchanges looks with Lucy. He SCREECHES and flies towards her. She strikes a martial arts pose ready to defend herself. As she does, her purse falls to the ground. The attack never comes and she looks down to see Pollito pecking at her purse. EL MACHO (O.S.) Pollito! What's the matter? El Macho appears and picks up the chicken, petting it. LUCY Oh, hey! Eduardo! EL MACHO Lucia! I apologize. Pollito, he's usually not like this. The same thing happened the other day with... with Gru and... El Macho drops off, deep in thought. Connecting the dots. Lucy is oblivious. LUCY Oh, speaking of Gru...uh, have you seen him? I really need to talk to him. EL MACHO Yes, I think he's somewhere around here. You two are close, no? LUCY Oh, I don't know. I mean close... I wouldn't say we were close. Why, did he say we were close? Did he say that? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 87. EL MACHO It's more what he didn't say. For instance, he never mentioned...that you were both working for the Anti- Villain League!!! Suddenly El Macho turns Pollito around revealing that he has her AVL credentials in his beak. El Macho grabs Lucy. EL MACHO (CONT'D) (threateningly) You're coming with me. He leads her away. LUCY Hey! We see Dr. Nefario watching this, in shock. He's holding a drink and a Mexican flag cupcake. DR. NEFARIO Crikey. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY The vehicle pulls into the driveway. INT: GRU'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Gru walks the girls into the family room. Two minions sit in front of the big screen TV playing a video game. EDITH So Eduardo's actually El Macho? Cool! GRU No, it is not cool. Plus, I pretty much knew it was him all along, so if anyone's cool, it's me. The BIGSCREEN TV BEEPS. Gru and the others turn to look. It's Dr. Nefario. He's at El Macho's, whispering and looking anxiously around him from under a table. DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN) (whispering) Gru! GRU Well, Dr. Nefario... DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 88. DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN) (hurriedly) El Macho's on to you. He knows you're working for the AVL. And he's got your partner! Gru is confused. GRU Lucy? Wha--that's impossible! She's on her way to Australia... EL MACHO (O.S.) Nefario! Dr. Nefario looks nervously offscreen. El Macho's coming. DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN) Sorry, gotta go! Nefario disconnects the camera. The screen goes blank. Agnes GASPS and turns to Gru. AGNES He's got Lucy? GRU (determined) Not for long. Gru begins to walk out of the room. He turns to the minions. GRU (CONT'D) Come on. (beat) We're getting her out of there. Gru marches out of the room, fire in his eyes. A man on a mission. To save the woman he loves. The minions are visibly disappointed to leave their video game. One of them clutches the controller in his hand and continues to play until the moment he exits the frame. INT: GRU'S GARAGE - DAY Gru gets on his motorcycle. It's the GRUCYCLE, a Gru-style motorcycle, like Arnold in Terminator 2. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 89. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY A playhouse in Gru's front yard drops away, revealing a hatch in the ground. Out drives Gru. Two minions sit behind him holding on. He speeds down the road. Ready to kick some butt. EXT: EL MACHO'S COMPOUND - DAY The yard is now filled with ROCKET SHIPS. From behind, we watch El Macho emerge from his home to survey the troops. Some minions file into the rocket ships. El Macho watches them and LAUGHS maniacally. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY EVIL MINION POV: The evil minion Kevin runs down the street, nearing Gru's house. He is scared by his own reflection in a shiny parked car. He spots a tricycle and eats it. Then Kyle spots him and GROWLS. Kyle runs off and evil minion Kevin gives chase. He stops when he sees the front door. INT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY Margo and Agnes sit on the floor playing a princess board game. Next to Agnes is her unicorn. They hear a SCRATCHING SOUND outside the window. Agnes looks scared. AGNES What was that? Margo stands up. Makes her way toward the window, which is covered with drapes. Then reaches a nervous hand and pulls back the drapes. MARGO I don't see anything. Suddenly, evil minion Kevin appears at the window, looking really scary! Margo SCREAMS. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 90. SMASH! Evil minion Kevin crashes through the window and lands in the family room surrounded by shattered glass and tangled up in the curtain. He turns to the girls, who slowly back away. He looks at Agnes and ROARS. MARGO (CONT'D) Run! Margo grabs Agnes and they run out of the room, accidentally dropping the stuffed unicorn behind. Agnes stops and runs back for it. AGNES My unicorn! MARGO Agnes, no! Agnes stops and sees evil minion Kevin already has it in his mouth. Agnes screams a crazy HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM. It SHATTERS all the glass in the room, including the glass in evil minion Kevin's goggles. He spits out the unicorn. He is slowed him down for a bit, so Agnes safely grabs the unicorn, and Margo grabs Agnes's hand. They run for the elevator to the lower level, with the purple minion hot on their tails. The elevator drops just in time. Evil minion Kevin slams into the glass door. INT: GRU'S LAB - SAME Margo and Agnes run into the lab to find half a dozen minions milling about. MARGO C'mon! Hurry! AGNES Whoa! Edith plays ping-pong with the minions using nun-chucks like Bruce Lee. Margo shuts the big iron door. Edith and the minions stare back at Margo. EDITH What's the matter? CRASH! The purple minion has eaten its way through the ceiling! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 91. AGNES Whoa! It drops down into the lab and lands on a dazed yellow minion. The girls SCREAM as it jumps up and dashes towards them. Evil minion Kevin stomps toward the girls. They are backed into a corner. It's all over. Then suddenly a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE enters frame and injects evil minion Kevin. He falls over, writhing on the floor. Then he sits up and-- Has turned back into a YELLOW MINION. It's Kevin! KEVIN Ooh-la-la! Pilatos? AGNES Kevin! The other minions dog pile on him with friendly hugs. MARGO Dr. Nefario! You're back! Reveal Dr. Nefario holding the needle. DR. NEFARIO In the flesh. Nefario produces a VIAL filled with YELLOW LIQUID. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) Behold, the antidote! He walks over to a vat of the jelly. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) Come on. Let's finally put this horrible jelly to some good use. He pours the antidote into the vat. EXT: EL MACHO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru makes his way up the road leading to El Macho's house. He is wearing handcuffs, and being led at spear-point by Dave and Stuart, who have been painted purple to look like Evil minions. But they are goofing around and giggling. And they still have a few yellow spots. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 92. GRU Hey, guys. Come on! Stay focused here! The minions somber up. MINIONS Okay, okay. Gru covers a smeared yellow spot with purple paint. They approach the front gate, which is closed. Dave boosts himself onto a stray box and speaks gibberish into the intercom. He hears Evil Minion gibberish in response. He responds back in Evil Minion gibberish. The intercom buzzes and the gate begins to open. The gate opens and there are DOZENS of PURPLE MINIONS milling about. They eye Gru and his captors suspiciously. Dave and Stuart poke Gru with a spear. GRU (attempting to act) Curses. Foiled again. These guys captured me. The Evil Minions CHEER at seeing this. Gru, Dave and Stuart have to walk all the way to the house surrounded on all sides by evil purple minions. The painted yellow minions are very nervous. The purple minions eye them as they pass. They GROWL and the yellow minions attempt to GROWL back. It's extremely intense, but it looks like they're going to make it. Then one of the evil minions makes a slobbery raspberry at one of the painted ones. They get into a raspberry fight until the painted minion is grossed out and tries to rub the slobber off him. It rubs off the purple paint. One of the evil purple minions points and SCREAMS. They're exposed! All of the purple minions run towards Gru, Dave and Stuart. Teeth bared. Ready to chomp. GRU (CONT'D) Run! They take off running. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 93. EXT: EL MACHO'S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS Gru and the yellow minions burst into El Macho's backyard. The Evil Minions give chase. GRU Up that tree! Hurry, hurry! They climb a tree up to the roof of the house, only to be pursued by more minions up there. And the Evil Minions have devoured the tree so they can't go back that way either. With no escape, Gru and the minions run up a tower until they reach the top--a dead end. Here come the purple minions. They're trapped. Gru kicks them away and the yellow minions try to fight off the purple ones. But they are clearly doomed. And then Gru's ship appears hovering above them! Modified as a jelly-dispensing weapon and with Dr. Nefario at the controls! The minions hang on the sides holding JELLY BLASTERS. The ship opens fire on the evil minions, transforming them. POP! POP! POP! POP! One by one they transform back into yellow minions. One of the Minions wipes the horrible tasting jelly off his tongue. Dr. Nefario sticks his head out the side of the ship. DR. NEFARIO Hello, Gru! GRU Hey, hey! Nice work, Dr. Nefario! Gru leaps onto the ship. DR. NEFARIO I put an antidote in the jelly. (beat) I mean, I'm happy to create an evil army to destroy the world, but nobody messes with my family. GRU Thank you, Doctor! Now let's go get the-- Gru looks over to see Margo, Edith and Agnes onboard the ship, holding jelly blasters. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 94. AGNES Hi! Gru is flabbergasted. He turns to Nefario. GRU You brought the girls? DR. NEFARIO Yes! (beat) Oh. Was that wrong? Gru's ship flies toward El Macho, blasting purple minions all along the way. From behind a large jelly gun Edith unloads round after round. EDITH Wooooo! Yeeeaaahhh! El Macho witnesses his evil minions being converted back to regular ones. EL MACHO Oh no! What's happening to my minions? (beat) Gru? Gru turns to Nefario and the girls. GRU You guys take care of the rest of the minions. (beat) I'm going to find Lucy. Gru leaps out of the ship down to the roof El Macho is on. He has two big jelly weapons in his hands. Meanwhile the ship flies off with its jelly blasters firing, and comes to land on the ground below. The minions and the girls start jumping from the ship. Agnes takes aim. AGNES Eat jelly, you purple freaks! Waaaaah! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 95. Agnes' gun is a little too big for her and the kick sends her a bit out of control. But she still manages to hit a number of Evil Minions. The tide is turning. Meanwhile, Gru has gone ballistic on the evil minions. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! He takes the remaining few out. El Macho kicks an evil minion at Gru, but he manages to hit it with jelly and transform it back to yellow. Gru holds his gun up to El Macho and gives him a threatening look. GRU It's over, El Macho. Now where is Lucy? EL MACHO (chuckles) Let me show you. He turns to a computer and pushes a button. A fountain stops spewing water and underneath it STEEL DOORS open from the ground. And out of them rises a ROCKET. Strapped to it is Lucy. Tied to a SHARK with TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS OF DYNAMITE strapped to her. Gru is horrified. He GASPS. LUCY Oh, hey Gru! Turns out you were right about the whole El Macho thing, huh? (unconvincingly) Yay! El Macho calls to Gru, brandishing a remote. EL MACHO One push of this button and I send that rocket straight into the same volcano where I faked my death. Only this time--it's for real! GRU (horrified) No! Dave swoops in on a rope and grabs the remote, Tarzan- style... DAVE Tally ho! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 96. But unfortunately he smacks a roof support and drops the remote. It bonks a bunch of minions on the head and lands on the ground. El Macho stares down Gru. Fire in his eyes. EL MACHO We could've ruled the world together, Gru. But now--you're gonna die. He pulls out a vial of PX-41 and drinks it. Gru GASPS. El Macho transforms into a giant, purple, furry creature. He ROARS. Gru pulls the trigger on his jelly gun, but he is out of ammunition. He then pulls out the FREEZE RAY and fires, encasing El Macho's fists in blocks of ice. El Macho GROWLS and slams his fists to the ground, shattering the ice and knocking Gru off the platform and onto a scaffolding. Gru SCREAMS. The scaffolding tips over. El Macho grabs the scaffolding and holds it above his head, ready to crush Gru. Suddenly Gru pulls out Lucy's lipstick taser and fires it at Purple El Macho! The jolt of electricity has him shaking and dancing and ultimately sizzling and smoking, until he finally collapses on the ground. GRU Lipstick taser! Lucy smiles at this. LUCY Aw...he copied me. Gru runs off to save her. The minions surround El Macho, cocking their jelly guns. EL MACHO (dazed) I am not afraid of your jelly guns. DR. NEFARIO Oh, this ain't a jelly gun, sunshine. Dr. Nefario fires the Fart Gun directly into El Macho's face, causing him to pass out. The minions CHEER, firing their jelly guns into the air. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 97. One of the minions stands on top of El Macho and poses for a big game hunter-style photo. Dr. Nefario smiles for the camera as well. Gru runs toward the rocket. LUCY Don't worry about me, Gru! I'll be fine. I have survived lots worse than this. (beat) Okay, that's not entirely true. I'm actually kind of freaking out up here! GRU Don't worry--I will get you out of this! Gru attempts to untie Lucy. And then sees Pollito has walked over to the remote. Gru and Lucy GASP. The chicken looks at Gru and Lucy, then pecks the button. GRU (CONT'D) I really hate that chicken. The rocket blasts off into the air. The Minions and Girls watch in horror as Gru and Lucy fly off on the rocket. EXT: SKY - CONTINUOUS Gru uses his knife to cut Lucy's ropes. They SCREAM as the shark gets loose and falls down to a SUSHI BAR below where all of the CUSTOMERS and SUSHI CHEF CHEER. Meanwhile, on the rocket Gru rips a panel off the side, revealing a mess of WIRES inside. LUCY Is there a red one? It's usually the red one. Gru starts to pull out wires left and right. To no avail. LUCY (CONT'D) Gru, anytime now! Gru GASPS, realizing they are approaching the VOLCANO. Time is running out. Death is imminent. He looks Lucy in the eyes. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 98. GRU Listen, Lucy--we may not get out of this alive, so I need to ask you a question. LUCY Uh, better make it quick! GRU If I'd asked you out on a date, what would you have said? LUCY Are you kidding me?! Yes! Gru smiles. Then realizes that the rocket is still careening toward the volcano. He grabs Lucy. GRU JUMP!!! Gru and Lucy grab hands and leap off the rocket. The rocket plunges into the volcano. Gru and Lucy plummet through the air. KA-BLAAAAM!!! The volcano explodes in a massive tempest of fire and smoke and lava. The impact of the blast hits Gru and Lucy and sends them flying. SPLASH! They hit the water. BAM! BOOM! The volcano continues exploding. SPLASH! Gru emerges, soaking and out of breath. Fire and lava flying all around him. He can't find Lucy. GRU (CONT'D) Oh! Lucy! (looks around, panicking) Lucy! Where are you?! After a few moments, Lucy also emerges. Gru is incredibly relieved. GRU (CONT'D) Oh, Lucy! LUCY Gru! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 99. Lucy smiles and hugs Gru. They both go underwater. Then come back up. Sputtering. And in love. LUCY (CONT'D) Sorry...I guess you kind of need your arms to tread water, huh? The Minions appear in the rowboat. TOM ("Stroke!") Mack-oh! Mack-oh! Mack-oh! But they pass right by them. GRU They'll be back... TITLE CARD: 147 DATES LATER... Romantic music plays under the title card. EXT: HILLSIDE - DAY Four minions, dressed in matching suits, begin to sing a All- 4-One's "I Swear," pronounced "Underwear" in Minionese. We are at Gru and Lucy's wedding reception. We PULL BACK to the WEDDING CAKE, and then to Gru and Lucy dancing. As they dance we see all of the wedding guests watching: Gru's Mom, Dr. Nefario, Silas, Jillian, Shannon, Natalie, etc. Gru dips Lucy and they attempt their kiss, but their noses keep bumping. They finally manage to kiss and the crowd CHEERS. We see the three girls watching in their beautiful bridesmaid dresses. Agnes can barely contain her glee. PAN OVER TO Edith, who makes a face. EDITH Can I be the first to say--ewwww! The minions finish the song. The girls sit at their table. Agnes clearly has something on her mind. She SIGHS. AGNES Okay. She stands up on the table. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 100. AGNES (CONT'D) Excuse me! Looks out at the crowd, but they can't hear her. AGNES (CONT'D) Um...hi! Excuse me! She still doesn't have the crowd's attention, so Margo taps on her glass. Everyone looks to Agnes, who is visibly nervous. AGNES (CONT'D) Uh...hi, everybody! I'd like to make some toast. Uh... She looks out at the crowd. Is really nervous. Looks over at Gru. He smiles. Mouths "okay." This helps, and Agnes pulls herself together and recites the Mothers Day poem from earlier. AGNES (CONT'D) She um...she um, kisses my boo-boos. She braids my hair. We love you mothers, everywhere! Agnes turns to Lucy and looks her right in the eyes. AGNES (CONT'D) And my new mom Lucy is beyond compare. Lucy smiles, melting. The crowd goes "awwwww." Agnes and Lucy spin around in a hug. The crowd cheers and applauds. Gru, Margo and Edith join Agnes and Lucy in a group hug. The family is complete. AGNES (CONT'D) To the bride and Gru! A minion begins to spin The Village People's "YMCA" at the DJ table. The minions, several of whom are dressed as The Village People, begin to perform the song. The minion dressed as the Chiquita banana lady also joins in. Then the entire family boogies across the dance floor, including Dr. Nefario and Gru's Mom. AGNES (CONT'D) I'M SO HAAAAPPPPYYYYYYY!!!! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 101. EXT: HILLSIDE - MOMENTS LATER A minion poses Gru, Lucy, and the girls for a formal picture. Everyone looks good. They all smile. CLICK! Another picture adds Gru's Mom, Dr. Nefario, and two minions to the group. CLICK! Another picture adds even more minions to the group. CLICK! An evil minion pops up and photobombs the last picture! EVIL MINION Blaaaaah! THE END
DETROIT ROCK CITY Written by Carl V Dupre FADE IN: INT. MRS. BRUCE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Decorated in Carol Brady chic. When it's not gaudy, tacky, and loud, it's blander than toast. Colors like lime green and sunshine orange should be reserved for popsicles only. MRS. BRUCE, late 30's, enters looking exhausted. She carries a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other, Erma Bombeck's The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank. HUMMING "We've Only Just Begun," Mrs. Bruce crouches next to her wildly-ancient entertainment center complete with 8-track. She flips the first record forward on her Ronco Record Mate. Album after album flaps forward. Olivia Newton-John, Neil Diamond, the Osmond Brothers. She stops on the Carpenters and sighs at the serene cover art. Just what the doctor ordered. Placing the vinyl on the turntable, she CLICKS the dustcover closed and FLICKS "Play." Reclining in her Lazyboy, she sips her wine, opens the book and awaits the mellow tones of Karen Carpenter. Suddenly, her eardrums are hammered by machine gun GUITAR. Caustic ROCK 'N' ROLL assaults her senses. She jumps, spilling her wine all over herself. This isn't the Carpenters... IT'S KISS! Racing to the entertainment center, she turns the volume control knob so violently, it comes off in her hand. The music is even louder now. Flustered by the awful noise, she tries lifting the dustcover. It's stuck. She screams and covers her ears. This is Hell. Running to the rear of the huge console, she stretches to reach the plug, but can't. Fingertips millimeters away. As the cacophony POUNDS she shakes the entire stereo with all her frantic might. SCREEEEEECH! The needle scrapes across the vinyl with a shrill, finally coming to a stop. Whew, silence! Then, POP, the dustcover opens unceremoniously. Shaken, she grabs the record with trembling hands and reads the label... KISS - LOVE GUN, SIDE TWO Mrs. Bruce's blood boils. MRS. BRUCE KISS! The devil's music! EXT. LEX'S HOUSE - NIGHT A small, two-story house amid a suburban neighborhood of other two-story houses. Uninspired architecture. Spindly trees. Two-car garage. A faint yellow glow emanates from a cellar window across which shadows frantically dart. Over the CRICKETS, we hear MUFFLED, BADLY-RENDERED ROCK 'N' ROLL. SCRATCHY, GUTTURAL, inhuman. CAMERA MOVES to the cellar window. Inside we see four TEENAGE BOYS who are to blame for the racket. Band practice. INT. LEX'S BASEMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT An inner-sanctum of KISS devotion. Faux-wood paneling is plastered with countless KISS posters, pictures, fold-outs. The ceiling is wallpapered with more KISS posters. KISS dolls, magazines, records, comic books clutter the shag-carpeted floor. Fast food wrappers heap over the KISS garbage pail. The four high schoolers rock their hearts out as they blast a familiar tune offensively off-key. BOYS SINGING "I wanna rock 'n' roll all night and party every day!" They stink, but they sure are trying hard. Meet the band "Mystery." Concert tee-shirts, holey jeans, total burn-outs. HAWK, a scraggily-haired, disenchanted youth, strains his vocal chords on the microphone as he SCRATCHES at his rhythm guitar. Hawk is sort of the brains of this operation, but knowing the others, that doesn't say much. LEX POUNDS a bass with earnest determination. Lanky with bad posture, Lex is already sporting worry lines. He takes everything way-too-seriously. TRIP STRUMS lead guitar like he's hammering nails. All id, Trip is slightly out of his mind. But, is it the chemicals or just his chemistry. He always wears a knit cap. JAM, a sensitive kid (but no wuss), BASHES on his drums like a madman making the bass drum pulsate like a spastic heart. The big drum bears the word "Mystery" painted on its skin with a lightning "S" just like the KISS logo. They bring the classic tune to a shrieking conclusion and thrust their hands over their heads in the KISS symbol. Hawk screams into the mike at their imaginary audience. HAWK Thank you, Cleveland! You're a great crowd. But after three and a half hours of kick-ass rock and seven encores on top of that, I'm sorry to say that this time we really gotta get back to our hotel rooms and fuck some groupies. Behind him, Trip grabs Lex's bass and swings it by the neck at an amp pretending to bash it over and over again. Lex quickly yanks it away from him. LEX What the fuck, Trip? That's my bass! Jam emerges from behind the pile of drums smiling. JAM That was curly! TRIP Just one more day of school to get through, girls, before tomorrow night... Live! (getting excited) COBO Hall! Detroit, Michigan! (like an announcer) You wanted the best! ALL FOUR BOYS You got the best! The hottest band in the world... KISS!! They all make that BREATH SOUND that mimics a screaming crowd. Suddenly, headlights swing by in the window above them like a spotlight. Lex hops onto the unmade bed and looks out the cellar window. LEX'S POV A baby-shit green, Ford station wagon with fake wood sides SCREECHES into the driveway. Mrs. Bruce gets out and STOMPS toward the house. Lex gasps at the sight. LEX Shit! It's Jam's mom! Jam GULPS as if he's just shat out an whole can of Lincoln logs. JAM My mom? Oh, no! What's she doing here? Lex quickly throws a KISS towel over a TV tray hiding a bong, cigarettes, overloaded ashtray. Trip kicks half-empty beer bottles under the bed. Hawk sprays Lysol frantically around the room as Jam shovels gum into his mouth. KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! Mrs. Bruce pounds on the cellar window crouching to see in. She looks like a crazed, underlit psycho. MRS. BRUCE (muffled through glass) Jeremiah! Jeremiah Bruce! You get out here this instant! The boys looks up like innocent, wide-eyed angels. Jam waves. JAM Oh, hi, mom. MRS. BRUCE (screams) NOW! Jam quickly pockets his drumsticks and grabs his worn, denim jacket off the pile of jackets on the floor, then runs upstairs. The others follow. EXT. LEX'S HOUSE/FRONT PORCH - NIGHT The front door opens. Jam steps out to greet his mom with a nervous smile. Hawk, Lex, and Trip stand at a safe distance in the foyer behind him. JAM What's up? Mrs. Bruce grabs her son by the ear and holds up the KISS LOVE GUN record waving it in his face. MRS. BRUCE The devil's body count, that's what's up! Don't you know what KISS stands for? "Knights in Satan's Service!" She hauls Jam across the lawn. Hawk, Lex, and Trip step onto the porch looking on in sympathetic embarrassment. Mrs. Bruce stuffs the record in the trash can then throws Jam in the front seat. SCREECH, the station wagon pulls away. TRIP Jam has yet to do an overnight with us. LEX I had a nightmare once that something like this might happen. I hope he doesn't get grounded again. If he misses Peter Criss's drum solo, I don't know if he'll be able to handle it. HAWK Lex, quit trying to always jinx things. Don't worry, dudes. Nobody's missing that concert tomorrow night. MAIN TITLES CLOSE-UP The LOVE GUN album sitting in the trash can. CAMERA MOVES IN on the round label till it FILLS THE FRAME. The record begins to spin like on a turntable as CAMERA DESCENDS INTO the little hole ENGULFING THE FRAME IN BLACK. This LEADS us INTO... OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE "ROCK 'N' ROLL ALL NITE" BLASTS the way it's supposed to sound. The jammin' KISS classic is accompanied by a barrage of QUICK CUTS depicting KISS mania. TV appearances. Concert footage. Magazine covers. Comic Books. Posters. Art work. KISS merchandise, dolls, lunch boxes, clothes, etc. We see the BAND do their thing in authentic CLIPS FROM REAL SHOWS. GENE, PAUL, ACE, AND PETER SHOUTING IT OUT LOUD. The MONTAGE is a colorful, kick-ass kaleidoscope of the entire KISS phenomena. CUT TO the BEAT of this seminal anthem. The FINAL IMAGE is the KISS "DESTROYER" POSTER. END CREDITS TICKET CHECK INT. JAM'S BEDROOM - DAY The sun's early morning rays beam through the KISS "Destroyer" poster taped onto a window shade. The phone RINGS. Jam bolts upright, his profile blocking the poster. He has just awakened under the only other decoration in his room: a crucifix. Still dressed in last night's clothes, a plain black tee- shirt and blue jeans, Jam leaps out of bed unwittingly planting a foot in the handle of a Bullworker (a piece of exercise equipment comprised of a powerful spring with two handles on either end) whose other handle is stuck under one of the bed's legs. Jam runs to a phone on his dresser, drawing the Bullworker's powerful springs out to maximum tension. No sooner does he pick up, when he is yanked to the floor and dragged across it as if tied to the bumper of a speeding car. Despite the Bullworker pulling him back toward his bed, Jam does manage to get the phone to his ear. JAM Hello? The phone's cord stretches taut causing its cradle to leap from the dresser and WHACK Jam on the head. INT. LEX'S BASEMENT/BEDROOM - DAY Hawk is on the phone as Lex and Trip scour every inch of the cluttered room on their hands and knees searching frantically for something. HAWK Jam, listen up. JAM (O.S.) Hawk? HAWK Just listen up, man, cause we are in a quandary. INT. JAM'S BEDROOM - DAY Jam clutches the phone with his shoulder GRUNTING as he does battle with the Bullworker for possession of his foot. HAWK (O.S.) Are you on the crapper with one of those antenna phones? Sounds like you're taking a dump the size of Butte, Montana. JAM It's my Bullworker. HAWK (O.S.) Anyway, listen up. They're gone! JAM What's gone? HAWK (O.S.) The KISS tickets, you nimrod! They're just fuckin' gone! Please tell me you have'm! JAM (panicked) Gone!? Why would I have the KISS tick...? HAWK (O.S.) Just check whatever you were wearing last night. Now! Jam briefly scans his surroundings double-taking at the denim jacket lying on the floor. He checks the pockets and sees four tickets labelled KISS - JUNE 7, 1978 - COBO HALL, DETROIT. JAM Whew! Oh, God, Hawk... I got'm! Somehow I musta taken Trip's jacket by mistake! INT. LEX'S BASEMENT/BEDROOM - DAY Hawk SIGHS like a deathrow convict pardoned at the last second. HAWK (to others) He's got'm! Lex and Trip collapse with relief. HAWK Trip, he took your jacket by mistake. You must be wearing Jam's. Trip reaches in a breast pocket and pulls out Rosary beads. Spooked, he drops them like they were a bug. HAWK (into phone) Cool. JAM (O.S.) I'm really sorry about that, man. HAWK Don't be a fembot. So, are you like grounded because of last night, or what? INT. JAM'S ROOM - DAY JAM Of course, but has that ever stopped me before? Besides, my mom's going to some church meeting and won't be back till late. No sweat... See you guys in school. CLICK. DIAL TONE. Jam hangs up. INT. LEX'S BASEMENT/BEDROOM - DAY Lex buckles his belt with its huge KISS belt buckle. LEX Poor, Jam, man. Imagine having to stash your KISS records inside Carly Simon album covers. No question, Mrs. Bruce is a psycho-bitch from hell. TRIP You're one to talk, Lex. Your mom's a fuckin' dyke. Trip pockets his wallet which is affixed to a long chain attached to a side belt loop. LEX Trip, a female gynecologist does not a lesbian make. And even if it did, at least my mom didn't give birth to me while she was on LSD. TRIP Shrooms! And even if it was LSD, I can still give my mom a kiss without smelling the catch of the day. HAWK Both you assholes, SHADDAP! Lex and Trip shaddap. HAWK Enough of the mom-bashing, all right? Lex's mom is cool about us crashing over here while she's out of town. And if it weren't for Trip's mom, we wouldn'ta smoked that fine Panama Red last night. So leave the women who gave you life out of it. They're both cool. Trip and Lex cease and desist the mom-bashing and continue getting ready for school. Suddenly, Lex pushes Trip angrily. LEX Trip, you fuckin' asshole. TRIP What? Lex points to a wet mess on the pillow. LEX You spilled my Sea Monkeys all over the bed. DRESSING UP INT. JAM'S BEDROOM - DAY Jam gives the Bullworker one final yank. This time it comes loose... not from his foot, but from under the bed. Its handle lashes up SLAPPING him across the face. Ouch. Fully awake now, Jam throws on Trip's denim jacket. He stuffs a drumstick into his left sock. We see "Mystery" written on it. Just as he's about to stick the other one in his right sock... Without a second of warning, or even a knock, Mrs. Bruce suddenly ENTERS. Immediately Jam stands. MRS. BRUCE Jeremiah, what are you doing? JAM Uhh... nothing. She turns to his closet, the door blocking her view of the KISS poster. Jam leaps to the window and yanks the "Destroyer" shade. It shoots up, FLAPPING around its rod. He's done this before. Mrs. Bruce peeks at Jam from around his closet door. He stretches in front of the window. JAM Ahh, sunshine. MRS. BRUCE You're going to be late if you don't hurry up and change soon. JAM Change? What's wrong with what I got on? MRS. BRUCE It's dirty laundry for one thing and for another, you still haven't worn the clothes I bought you. You're skating on thin ice already, young man, so I wouldn't push my luck. Now get out of those rags. JAM But, mom! MRS. BRUCE Besides, those jeans are so tight I can see your penis. Jam reluctantly takes off the denim jacket as Mrs. Bruce grabs the single drumstick from his hand and shakes it at him. MRS. BRUCE Someday you'll see the futility in forging a musical career with those idiots. She turns and rummages through the closet. JAM (to himself) They're not idiots. MRS. BRUCE Now don't forget you're on the honor system tonight. I'll be home a little after one and if you've been partying or playing that satanic KISS music... well, need I remind you of the consequences? JAM Grounded for the rest of the year? MRS. BRUCE You're a smart boy, Jeremiah. And so handsome. She pulls two Sears department store boxes from the closet and lays them on the bed. Jam is visibly horrified. THIS IS YOUR MOTHER! / THE GIRL'S ROOM EXT. ROBERT F. KENNEDY HIGH - DAY The suburban high school is teeming with morning activity. School buses pull up to the curb. KIDS arrive in droves and immediately find their cliques. The JOCKS and PRIMADONNAS make up the popular crowd. There's DISCO DUDES, FRESHMEN who look like grade schoolers, and GEEKS. At the smoking section hang the BURNOUTS. Hawk, Trip, and Lex stand amid the other long-hairs. TRIP School. What a fuckin' waste of time. Two GIRLS with tons of make-up, hair so feathered it could fly, and tight clothes, saunter by SNAPPING gum. HAWK Will somebody please tell those chicks disco is dead. LEX Stellas. I hate stellas almost as much as I hate dogs. TRIP Same species when you think about it. Their words say one thing, but their eyes say another. They can't stop gawking at the chicks' asses. Girl #1 sneers back. GIRL #1 Don't stare too long, you'll go blind. The boys quickly cover. LEX (defensive) Yeah, right. She wishes. Look at that big ass. TRIP You know what they say about a big ass... big shit. They chuckle. Just then, Jam steps off a school bus in an unbelievably geeky outfit, white corduroy slacks, plaid shirt buttoned to the top, argyle socks and brown deck shoes. TRIP Hey, that dork looks just like Jam. Hawk and Lex look and laugh when they see him. LEX Shit, that dork is Jam. HAWK (to Jam) YO, DOOFUS! Jam gives them the finger. INT. SCHOOL LOCKER AREA - DAY Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam grab books from their lockers. KISS stickers, photos, and rock magazine cut-outs line the insides. Jam's locker door is covered with Peter Criss only. TRIP So, Jam, who did your wardrobe, Tad the preppie sailboat captain? JAM Hey, my mom had me over a barrel, all right. After last night, I had to let her dress me today. It's a give and take relationship. LEX Yeah, she gives you shit and you take it. HAWK Okay, enough. Enough. Gimme the tickets. I wanna hold onto them. JAM They're still at my house in Trip's jacket. HAWK They're what? JAM She was standing right over me when I was changing for fuck's sake. TRIP That's some sick shit right there. Did she comb your ass hair for you too? LEX If your mom so much as smells those tickets, they're history, and we get screwed outta seeing KISS for the third year in a row, the third year! JAM Don't worry about it. They're perfectly safe. We can pick them up after school. My mom won't be home. It's no problem. HAWK All right. After school we double- time it to your house for the tix before heading to the train station for the 2:45 to Detroit Rock City. JAM Check. The BELL RINGS. HAWK As they say in the Tampon biz, see you next period. SLAM! They shut their lockers in unison. INT. STUDY HALL - DAY The STUDY HALL TEACHER grades papers. On the wall a picture of President Carter hangs next to Old Glory. The words "Be Quiet" are written on the blackboard. Students study, read, doodle, sleep. Jam is at his desk touching up the word "Mystery" on his drumstick. Next to him sits BETH. Quirky, but cute, she stares longingly at him wanting to say something, but not having the guts. Pleased with his work, Jam puts the drumsticks on the desk and opens a Peter Criss album cover notebook depicting countless doodles of the KISS logo, the Mystery logo, and renderings of Peter Criss. Beth SIGHS and opens her own notebook. Drawings of hearts fill the pages. In them is written "Beth + Jeremiah" and "I love Jeremiah." Then, one of Jam's drumsticks rolls off the desk and onto the floor. Beth quickly reaches down to grab it for him just as he bends to get it too. THUD, they bash heads. JAM Oof! (whispering) Sorry. Rubbing her head, she smiles and hands him the drumstick. BETH No problem. JAM Thanks. He stuffs his drumsticks in his socks pulling his pantlegs down. Jam and Beth stare at each other. There's a mutual crush, but both are apprehensive about making the first move. Both want to speak, neither does. They awkwardly go back to their notebooks. Mustering the nerve, Jam breaks the ice and whispers... JAM Beth? Beth spins too quickly. Her pen flies out of her hand. BETH Yes? BOINK! The pen hits Jam in the eye. JAM Ow! Feeling awful, Beth moves in to help. The teacher looks up sternly. STUDY HALL TEACHER Mr. Bruce, Miss Bumsteen, is there a problem? BETH No. No problem. Jam points to his eye. JAM Just a little pink eye. No reason to panic. Unamused, the teacher goes back to grading. BETH (whispering) Sorry. JAM (handing back pen) It's okay. Beth resumes doodling feeling like an idiot. Jam does too. Ah, teenage awkwardness. Finally, Beth musters up some courage. BETH Jeremiah? JAM Yeah? She hems and haw, then... BETH I wanted to tell you something... I... Suddenly, Beth is rudely interrupted by HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK coming from the P.A. The PRINCIPAL'S VOICE ECHOES over it. PRINCIPAL'S VOICE Jeremiah Bruce, come to the office immediately... Jam throws a startled glance to the speaker as the class sings in unison. WHOLE CLASS Oooo, you're in troubaaaallll. PRINCIPAL'S VOICE Your mother's here and would like to see you right away... More FEEDBACK as the mike on the other end changes hands. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE Give me that microphone... Jeremiah, you get your sorry self down to this office, mister! All the kids except for Beth burst into hysterical laughter. Mrs. Bruce's tirade continues over QUICK SHOTS of... INT. HAWK'S SCIENCE CLASS - DAY Hawk sits at his lab table burning an eraser with his Bunsen burner. His eyes widen with horror behind his goggles as the other STUDENTS laugh till they hurt. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE I found some things in the pockets of your jacket while I was picking up your disgusting laundry today... INT. LEX'S GYM CLASS - DAY Lex's eyes bug with terror. The basketball game is at a standstill as everyone is crippled with laughter. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE Cigarettes! Marijuana! Prophylactics! INT. TRIP'S HEALTH CLASS - DAY Trip dozes at his desk as an out-of-date film about VD sputters on. The room is deafening with laughter. Then, as if hit by a ton of bricks, Trip wakes up alarmed by the familiar, shrilly voice. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE And something much, much worse! TRIP Holy shit, my jacket! 4-WAY SPLIT SCREEN We see Jam, Hawk, Lex, and Trip agog in dread. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE If you know what's good for you, you'll get down here... NOW! INT. JAM'S STUDY HALL - DAY Jam slowly sinks in his chair under the profoundly humiliating weight of an ENTIRE SCHOOL'S ECHOED LAUGHTER. INT. WAITING AREA - DAY Mrs. Bruce sits next to a stand-up ashtray in the high school's waiting area. Scowling, she fans the KISS tickets out with one hand. Jam sits across from her, one leg jittering anxiously. They sit for an uncomfortably long time until... Mrs. Bruce pulls a cigarette and lighter out of her purse. MRS. BRUCE I made an appointment with Father Phillip McNulty at St. Bernard's. We're to see him directly where he will register you on the spot. JAM You mean, you're sending me to... b- b-boarding school? MRS. BRUCE What else can I do? Oh, records and magazines and comic books are one thing, but tickets? TICKETS? Jeremiah, do you realize what this means? That you're no longer content merely hearing their awful songs or looking at photos of their horrific faces! Now you want to see the devil in the flesh. You want to reach out and touch pure evil... and in Detroit no less! She flicks the lighter, not yet lighting the cigarette. JAM Mom, three of those tickets don't even belong to me. They're for the guys. Mrs. Bruce holds the tickets over the lighter's flame. MRS. BRUCE And if the "guys" have parents who truly love them, they will elevate me to sainthood for getting rid of these blasted things. Mrs. Bruce lights her smoke with the flaming tickets, then drops them in the ashtray where they burn for a cruel eternity. Jam stares semi-catatonic through his mom's sour expression. MRS. BRUCE It's been a long time coming, son, but you're finally going to get the kind of discipline you deserve. She stands and pulls him out the front entrance by his arm. REVERSE ANGLE ON NEARBY CORNER Hawk, Trip, and Lex peek around it, their heads forming a totem pole. One-by-one they pull back. AROUND THE CORNER They slump against the wall devastated. LEX I knew it! I knew this was gonna happen! I had a bad feeling since last night. Remember? We are so totally fucked! TRIP Waitaminit, dudes! I got it! Maybe we can glue the tickets back together! HAWK What are you, high? TRIP Yeah. HAWK For once Lex is right. It's over. Things can't get any worse from here. Suddenly, a caustic voice BLURTS from down the hall. VOICE I hope you rodents have hall passes! The boys whip their heads around to see a potbellied, yellow- toothed, security officer with long sideburns and slicked back hair at the far end of the hall, fists on his hips. Meet ELVIS. LEX Wanna bet. ELVIS Could that be three detentions I smell? Elvis laughs and breaks into a run barreling down on them like a maniac. Keys JANGLING furiously. HAWK Second floor girls' john! Two minutes! He'll never look there! LEX Check! They take off in three different directions. Still laughing, Elvis stops where the boys just were. Which one to follow? He bolts after Hawk who has taken the nearest staircase. INT./EXT. JAM'S STUDY HALL - DAY Beth looks sadly out the window watching Mrs. Bruce push Jam in the car. Beth puts her hand on the pane wanting to touch him. INT. STAIRWAY - DAY Meanwhile, Elvis HUFFS and PUFFS up a flight of stairs arriving at a set of swinging doors. He goes to push one in, but it swings out at him with a vengeance knocking him backward. From behind it pops Hawk wielding a fire extinguisher. BLAST! A hail of foam covers Elvis's face. Hawk shoves the extinguisher into the man's arms and pushes Elvis backwards down the stairs. He topples ass-over-head till he hits the landing. HAWK You're way out of your league, Elvis. Elvis rises and shakes the CO2 off like a wet dog. Looking up, he sees the door gently swinging in and out. No sign of Hawk. INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - DAY Trip kicks a bathroom stall violently. TRIP Fuck! Shit! Lex sits on the toilet in the stall. LEX Hey, take it easy, man. This is the girls' crapper, remember? TRIP Wake up, Lex! We just watched Jam's mom torch our fuckin' KISS tickets! Not REO Speedwagon! Not Journey! Not the Bay City Rollers! KISS! If you can think of a better reason to trash a bathroom, I'd sure like to hear it! LEX Trip, it's not the end of the world, okay? Quit acting all squeezed out. Trip grabs Lex by the collar, yanks him off the toilet and shoves him against the wall. TRIP Oh, everything's hunky-dory now that the shit hit the fan just like you said it would, you snug sonofabitch! You fuckin' jinxed us! LEX Smug, Trip! Not snug, smug. Hawk bursts into the bathroom. HAWK We're clear, dudes. They run to exit. Hawk first. Suddenly, Hawk backs up again into Trip and Lex as if a swarm of killer bees was out there. HAWK A skirt just came around the corner. Hawk, Trip, and Lex run back and pile into the last stall. All three stand on the toilet bracing their arms against the walls for balance. A FOXY GIRL hurries into the stall next to theirs. We see the top halves of three heads peek over the stall's partition. The three boys don't make a sound as they watch her sit down. As she glances up, they recoil fast. They whisper super-quiet. HAWK That's Sherry VanHafton. LEX I've been in love with her since the second grade. Then, a SOUND OF TINKLING. They all throw their hands over their mouths to stifle the giggles. Suddenly, POOT! She lets out an ECHOED FART. The boys are awestruck. HAWK Whoa... she just farted. LEX I have never heard a girl squeeze cheese in my entire life. HAWK Weird... Pause. TRIP Peeeyeewww! That stinks! Just then, the SOUND OF CRACKING PORCELAIN, as the toilet they're standing on breaks into pieces with a SMASH. They topple over pulling the stall walls down with them exposing the foxy chick sitting on the can. Water GUSHES everywhere as she screams bloody murder, getting doused ruining her Farrah-do. They bolt out the door slipping and sliding across the torrent of toilet water. Lex turns and shrugs to the traumatized girl. LEX Heh-heh, sorry. He's gone. CALLER 106 / ELVIS ATTACKS INT. MRS. BRUCE'S CAR - DAY Mrs. Bruce uses a finished cigarette to light another. MRS. BRUCE Someday you'll have a son just like you, Jeremiah. A boy who lies through his teeth, buys demonic records, and smokes the dope just like you. JAM (numbly) If I'm anything like you, I'll deserve him. MRS. BRUCE What?! JAM I said, I'm sorry! MRS. BRUCE If you truly are sorry, son, then you better pray like you've never prayed before. God willed me to find those tickets because He wanted to hear from you. He knows you need help and He wants you to ask Him for it. EXT. ST. BERNARD'S - DAY Mrs. Bruce's car turns off the road and drives through an imposing set of wrought iron gates. The sign reads: St. Bernard's Veil of Tears. A School for Catholic Boys. INT. MRS. BRUCE'S CAR - DAY Jam looks at what lies ahead. His face becomes a mask of pure terror. We hear a THUNDER CLAP as Jam puts his hands together and closes his eyes humbling himself. He whispers. JAM Please, God, help. EXT. ST. BERNARD'S - DAY The car winds up the path leading to a dark, Gothic edifice over which tumultuous storm clouds continuously hover. THUNDER BELCHES and bolts of lightning shoot at the blackened crucifixes along the structure. We hear a SCARY ORGAN theme. INT. VOC/TECH DEPT. - DAY Except for the tinkering NOISES that are heard as the STUDENTS work on their projects, there is silence in Electronics Class. The teacher, MR. JOHANSEN, sips from a coffee cup and reads a newspaper, his feet on the desk. The headline says: "Mass Suicide in Jonestown. Cyanide in the Kool-Aid." Above him is a long banner reading: "Sorry, Absolutely no bathroom breaks". Hawk, Trip, and Lex sit before a half-built radio on a work bench, sheer desperation etched on their faces. Lex solders two copper wires together. Hawk attaches a dial. Trip absently plays with a squeeze pump attached to a long plastic tube. He blows air into his face repeatedly with it. TRIP (re:squeeze pump/tube) Wonder if you could smoke shit out of this? HAWK Maybe some tunage'll chase those blues away. Hawk turns the radio on and a HIGH FREQUENCY WHINE pours from its speaker. He adjusts the volume, then the tuner, until a DJ's VOICE comes through crisp and clear. DJ'S VOICE ...and this is Simple Simon on the rock of Detroit, W.A.R.P., home of the biggest KISS giveaway in the history of the universe! Detroit? DETROIT? Hawk, Trip, and Lex react like they've just been hit by phasers on stun. God is intervening. DJ'S VOICE I got four, count 'em, four front row tickets along with four backstage passes to the concert tonight at Cobo Hall and I'm giving them to the 106th caller who can tell me the real names of each KISS band member! HIGH FREQUENCY NOISES again, then the radio loses reception. Hawk exchanges an anxious glance with Trip and Lex. LEX Too bad we're stuck in electronics or... HAWK Never mind with the too bad shit. I got a crazy plan, but only the craziest among us can pull it off. DISSOLVE TO: MOMENTS LATER Mr. Johansen still sits with his feet up, reading. The next page's headline reads: First Test Tube Baby Born. Trip runs up to Mr. J's desk, one hand behind his back, the other on his crotch. His face is drawn in an expression of sheer agony. Hawk and Lex watch anxiously in the background. MR.J Mr. Verudi, get back to your bench. Trip puts one leg over the other always keeping a hand behind his back. TRIP But I gotta take a piss like you would not believe, Mr. Johansen! MR.J Put a clothespin on it till the end of class, Verudi. You know my rule. TRIP But ever since my doctor put me on salt pills, it's been like Niagara Falls every half hour! Please, Mr. J! Have mercy! Suddenly, a wet stain grows across the crotch of Trip's pants. MR.J Salt pills? Don't insult my intelligence, Verudi... Mr. J. stops when he sees the stain starting to spread. TRIP Jeezis, I'm taking a leak in my pants! We now see Trip is squeezing the pump from before. He holds it behind him feeding water into the tube running down the back of his pants. The stain travels fast, hitting Trip's knee in a nanosecond. In a state of shock, Mr. J. slowly opens a long forgotten drawer on his desk, finding a cobweb and dust-covered pad of bathroom passes. He tears one off and dust flies everywhere. He holds the pass out to Trip like it was a cross he was holding before an advancing vampire. MR.J (hoarsely) Get the hell out of here, Verudi! You disgust me! Hawk and Lex observe that Trip has been successful, then do a Three Stooges-style handshake, whispering "Curly!" INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY The SECRETARY sits at her desk in the reception area filing paperwork. She pauses when she hears RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. Trip charges past, a big, wet stain on his crotch. The secretary notices the pump and tube flopping from the back of his pants as Trip turns a corner. INT. MAIN CORRIDOR - DAY Trip runs up to a pay phone on the wall, pumps every nickel he has into it, puts the phone to his ear and dials. TRIP I need to be connected to the W.A.R.P. contest hotline... Now... lady!... Hello, is this me? I'm Trip. INT. SCHOOL SECURITY OFFICE - DAY A cubby-of-an-office. Cluttered beyond belief. Elvis leans back on his chair against the wall reading a PLOP Magazine. A transistor radio plays W.A.R.P. He bolts at the sound of Trip's name causing his chair to slide out from under him. THWAM! TRIP ON RADIO Am I on the air?... Yeah... Gene Klein, Stanley Eisen, Paul Frehley, and Peter, uh, Criscoula... yeah, that's it! INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY The secretary hears an ecstatic "YEEEHAAWW" and turns to see Trip wheeling back around the corner, leaping in the air as he runs, YOWLING like a rodeo cowboy. He bounds past her. She watches him and shakes her head. SECRETARY (to herself) Moron. INT. SECURITY OFFICE - DAY Still on the floor, Elvis grabs the little radio with rage, flips it off and screams at it. ELVIS Why you little...! Over my dead body! The bell RINGS. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE VOC/TECH ROOM - DAY Students pour into the hall. Hawk and Lex exit the class just as Trip comes zigzagging down the corridor dodging the hordes. All three converge as Trip can't contain his enthusiasm. TRIP I did it! I did it! We won! LEX We won?! HAWK Fuckin' A! Woooooo! The three burnouts jump, scream, HOOT, and play air instruments like loons as if they're the only ones in the hall. They can't stop. The rest of the student body are not amused INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Hawk, Trip, and Lex hold their trays over the counter as the LUNCH LADIES fill them with Salisbury steak, hard dinner rolls and scoops of bluish pudding. Ah, public school nutrition. TRIP (stoked) This is the best thing that ever happened to me at school! Not only are we on again for KISS in Detroit, but we're actually sitting right at the fifty yard line! I dare you dudes to find a curlier scenario. HAWK (double stoked) Stan Lee couldn't think of a better one. LEX The Chinese have a proverb: "That which appears too good to be true, usually is." There's gotta be a catch. TRIP Yeah? I have a saying too, Lex. It goes, "Catch my jizz in your mouth and stop jinxing us, asshole." We're going this time and that's all there is to it. HAWK I'm afraid our constipated little friend is right this time, Trip. There is a catch. Hawk's really got their attention now. TRIP Namely? HAWK Our band "Mystery" is a quartet and we can't go on the road without our drummer. Jam's mom said something about sending him to St. Bernard's, right? We gotta bust him out before we go anywhere. LEX But... but, St. Bernard's is way the hell over in the next county! HAWK So? Your mom's car has a CB, radar detector and cruise control, check? LEX We are not stealing my mom's car. HAWK Damn straight we are. LEX Hawk, all I need is one ding on the Volvo and presto! There are my balls hanging from the rearview mirror after she gets back from Cincinnati. HAWK And when is she due back from that groinecologist's convention anyway? LEX Sunday, but... HAWK Then lighten up. She'll never know we touched it. Alright, here's the plan. We bus it to chez Lex, grab the Volvo, bail Jam the hell outta St. Bernard's and arrive at the train station precisely on time for the 2:45 to Detroit. TRIP Simplicity, Hawk. LEX Simple-icity is more like it. And you guys thought Jam was in trouble before. Wait till Mrs. Bruce finds out he went to that concert with us. HAWK There's only so much trouble an individual can get into till it just doesn't matter anymore, Lex. You familiar with a condition known as Absolute Zero? LEX The hypothetical temperature characterized by the absence of heat and even the slightest amount of molecular activity? Yeah, I'm vaguely familiar HAWK Well, Jam is in absolute trouble. He couldn't get any deeper into shit if he was a fly sitting in a horse's ass. You know as well as me he'd give his right arm just to see Peter Criss's drum solo, never mind a whole KISS concert, check? Lex nods. HAWK Well, the least we, his only buds in the world, can do is take him along with us tonight and give him one last curl before he starts serving his sentence. TRIP Just for the record, I understood the last part of what you said, but for a while there you guys were making no fucking sense whatsoever. HAWK I was just explaining to Lex here what you and I already know. Just had to make it a little more complicated so he'd understand. LEX Very funny, Hawk. Okay, I'm in on this hare-brained scheme, but if anything happens to my mom's car, I'm blaming you. I'll say you drugged me or something. HAWK Curly. Hawk scopes out the cafeteria to make sure the coast is clear. HAWK Ok, dudes, follow my lead. LEX Wait a minute. We ditching the rest of school? TRIP About fuckin' time if you ask me. I'm just going through the motions till I drop out anyway. LEX Hello summer detention. HAWK As I was saying, follow my lead. And maintain. Elvis just showed up. Hawk points across the cafeteria and sure enough Elvis has just entered. Luckily, he hasn't noticed the boys yet. Elvis swaggers to a table of CHEERLEADERS, puts his leg on a chair and starts a one-sided conversation with them. They promptly push their trays away, having lost their appetites. Meanwhile, back at the condiment tray, Hawk and Trip each grab a big handful of ketchup packets and head to a table. Lex reluctantly follows suit grabbing a big handful of ketchup packets too. All three of them put their trays down and sit. HAWK (eyeing Elvis) Five second rule, boys. See you on the other side. Hawk approaches the exit door, glances either way, then leaves. Trip and Lex look at their watches for five seconds. Then Trip heads for the exit door also. Lex still stares at his watch. After five, he looks at Elvis, who stops talking to the cheerleaders. As if possessing some sixth sense, Elvis turns quickly and looks STRAIGHT INTO CAMERA. ELVIS'S POV -- He spots the swinging exit door and an empty table with three full lunch trays sitting on it. ELVIS Excuse me, ladies. Relieved he's gone, the cheerleaders start eating again. Elvis moves through the cafeteria in SLOW MOTION toward the exit door. The hunter in action. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Elvis pushes through the door and into a hall, dead-eye stare focused up ahead where the hallway turns sharply. He catches a glimpse of Lex. Smiling like the devil, Elvis bolts. INT. OTHER HALLWAY - DAY Lex catches up with Hawk and Trip just as Elvis swings around the corner and marauds after them CACKLING maniacally. A mad chase ensues. Down hallways. Around corners. Upstairs. Down ramps. Hawk, Trip, and Lex scramble as fast as they can to escape the clutches of their sideburn-clad nemesis. As the boys pass a classroom, a NERD comes out pushing a projector on an AV cart. Thinking fast, Hawk grabs it out of the nerd's hands and pushes it down the hall at Elvis. NERD Hey, I'm responsible for that! CRASH! Elvis bashes face-first into the rolling cart. He and the projector go tumbling. Not wasting a second, Elvis is back on his feet and after them again. The nerd grabs his hair in horror at the sight of the smashed projector. AROUND A CORNER Elvis SKIDS around the corner and trips on a fire hose stretched across the floor from its glass box to a water fountain pipe. He slides on his belly along the polished floor unable to stop. INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY Old MISS HIBBS is lecturing on MOBY DICK. The kids are dozing. MISS HIBBS Then a cry from the crow's nest... "Thar she blows!" Suddenly, a screaming Elvis slides into the open door on his stomach and bowls Miss Hibbs over like a Brunswick. He clamors to his feet and shoots out the room leaving everyone stunned. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Pausing at the corner, Elvis takes a breath and leaps around it. He smiles at what he sees. Up ahead, Hawk, Lex, and Trip stand on a 3-stair stoop, desperately pulling at a locked door. Elvis smiles. They GULP. ELVIS KISS concert? Kiss my ass morelike. A nice, fat detention oughta put a crimp in this evening's plans. Elvis takes his key ring off his belt and begins twirling it. The boys turn and face him. He savors the moment. ELVIS Looking for something, rodents? HAWK Yeah, Elvis... Hawk's brow furrows as he pulls about fifty ketchup packets out of his pocket. Trip and Lex do the same. HAWK ..Your ass on a lunch tray. Elvis laughs and lurches forward -- the boys' cue to drop the ketchup packets at their feet and... HAWK On your marks and... Trip and Lex ready themselves, then... HAWK Fire! They start stomping on the packets, squirting Elvis's face and torso with tomato-based condiment causing him to let out a scream that lasts the rest of the scene. Ketchup spatters across his body in SUPER SLOW MOTION. A shot hits him in the mouth and he COUGHS it back out in mid-scream. The boys stomp relentlessly, mercilessly, blasting their nemesis with hideous cafeteria red as Elvis throws his arms back, body quaking at every splat. It's kind of like the scene in "The Godfather" where Sonny gets it. Beaten and spent, his scream now dried up to a hoarse GASPING, Elvis slips on some ketchup at his feet. He hits the floor with a THUD right in the goop. He lays there letting out DRY SOBS looking like a bunless wiener. Hawk jumps off the stoop. Taking Elvis's key chain away, he hops back up and unlocks the door letting Trip and Lex out. Hawk whips the keys back at Elvis, hitting him in the head, then flashes a pearly Error Flynn smile. HAWK Elvis, you ain't nothin' but a hot dog. Hawk bolts out the door. Elvis tries to get up only to slip in the muck again and fall back down twice as hard. ELVIS Nooooo!! JAILBREAK EXT. STREET IN THE NEXT COUNTY - DAY C/U on the grill of a moving car, Ohio vanity plate reading: Ob-GYN. PULL BACK to reveal it's on a brand spanking-new, brown Volvo 242 DL hauling ass. Hawk drives, Lex rides shotgun, and Trip sits in the back, arms draped over the front seat. EXT. ST. BERNARD'S - DAY The Volvo turns and barrels up St. Bernard's gated entrance. INT. VOLVO - DAY TRIP Well, here we are back at fucking school again. LEX Huh. St. Bernard's. Figures it's named after a canine. Hawk and Trip roll their eyes. INT. ST. BERNARD'S BOARDING SCHOOL - DAY Mrs. Bruce and FATHER McNULTY stand outside his office. The door is open a tad. Jam sits just beyond it, but all we see are his corduroyed legs which shake. Jam is one nervous kid. MRS. BRUCE Again, many thanks and praise to you for seeing Jeremiah on such short notice. Father McNulty has a look of utter compassion on his face. FATHER MCNULTY Anything for a potential tuition... to be given to charity of course. MRS. BRUCE God bless you, Father McNulty. FATHER MCNULTY He already has. They hug. She exits. And the look of utter compassion on Father McNulty's face disappears. INT. FATHER MCNULTY'S OFFICE - DAY The priest enters, SLAMS the door shut, startling Jam, and sits in front of a painting of the Virgin Mary on his wall. The name plate on his desk reads: FR. PHILIP McNULTY. FATHER MCNULTY Before enrolling you, Jeremiah, let me just say it would be greatly appreciated if your career at St. Bernard's was an uneventful one. Some students believe they can get expelled through disobedience and recklessness. What they don't understand is even after God's vengeance is meted out, He forgives. That His devastating anger is followed by His nurturing compassion. In a nutshell, St. Bernard's may punish you even for the slightest digression, but will never cast you out, even for the largest. So here you are, Jeremiah... here to stay! Father McNulty sticks the pencil into an electric pencil sharpener and it makes the same NOISE a DENTIST'S DRILL does when burrowing into a molar. Jam shudders. The Father removes the pencil and blows the shavings away from the needle-sharp tip. FATHER MCNULTY Let's begin the enrollment, shall we? EXT. ST. BERNARD'S - DAY Mrs. Bruce exits the building and approaches her car. She stops when she sees the '78 brown Volvo parked behind her. It's empty. She shrugs and gets into her car, driving off. Inside the Volvo Hawk, Trip, and Lex poke their heads up. The coast is clear so they can sit straight again. They stare up at a second story window where they see part of Jam's profile. LEX Now, how are we gonna do this? HAWK Gimme a second, dudes. Lemme think. They hear an ENGINE and turn to see a delivery truck labelled PIZZA PIG parking behind them. A DELIVERY BOY holding a pizza box steps out. Trip's mouth waters. TRIP (licking his chops) Mmm, pizza... Seeing the boys, the delivery boy stops at the Volvo. DELIVERY BOY Hey, you guys know where... (looks at slip on box) Philip McNutly's office is? Hawk, Trip, and Lex exchange an anxious glance, then Hawk smiles. He is officially inspired as he turns to the boy. HAWK Yeah, I'm Philip McNutly. INT. FATHER MCNULTY'S OFFICE - DAY The Father TAPS his pencil looking impatiently at Jam who has totally withdrawn. He sits motionless staring into space. FATHER MCNULTY Jeremiah, are you aware you need to answer these questions, not just listen to them? Jeremiah? Jam doesn't respond. FATHER MCNULTY Please don't become difficult this early in your stay. I hate disciplining boys before I get to know them. A NUN enters KNOCKING. NUN Forgive me, Father. A young man here with a pizza for you? FATHER MCNULTY Ah, yes! Send him in Sister Conimaria. The nun exits and a second later Hawk enters wearing Lex's baseball cap pulled down over his eyes. FATHER MCNULTY Well, what's the damage, pizza fellow? HAWK Ten even. The priest swivels his chair around and unlocks a box labelled "Donations." While he looks for cash, Hawk gives Jam a discreet kick in the shin. Jam looks up and recognizes Hawk. He then looks out the window seeing Trip, Lex, and the Volvo below. For the first time we see what Jam looks like with a big, fat, shit-eating grin on his face. HAWK (whispering to Jam) If he offers you a slice, you're not the least bit hungry, check? JAM (whispering) Check. Father McNulty swivels back around with a ten. FATHER MCNULTY Here's ten and I'm donating your tip to the church. The Lord thanks you. HAWK Tell the Big Guy not to mention it. Hawk takes the ten, tips the brim of the baseball cap and leaves, giving Jam a cautious wink as he goes. FATHER MCNULTY And not a moment too soon. I'm famished. I hope you brought a lunch for yourself. JAM No, but I'm not hungry anyway. Father McNulty raises his eyebrows, then opens the pizza box. FATHER MCNULTY Well! It finally speaks. There's one barrier we've broken through. Father McNulty smiles, taking a big bite. Jam smiles for an entirely different reason. The priest mumbles with a mouthful. FATHER MCNULTY You know, your coming here reminds me of a gospel called The Prodigal Son. Jam grins a bit feigning interest. FATHER MCNULTY There was once a farmer who had two sons. Both grew up on the farm, helping their father until... (suddenly alarmed) GYYAACK! Father McNulty GAGS sticking his pizza-covered tongue out. He pours himself a glass of wine and sucks it down looking concerned for the moment. Finally, he BELCHES. FATHER MCNULTY That was a very stale mushroom. (beat) Where was I?... Ah, yes, one day the elder son decided to leave the farm... INT. VOLVO - DAY Hawk, Trip, and Lex look up at Father McNulty's window. TRIP Usually takes anywhere from ten minutes to half an hour. They look at their watches, then back at the window. HAWK Shit! This is such a lousy view. How the hell are we gonna know when he's lit? Just then, INSANE LAUGHTER bellows from the window above. TRIP He's lit. INT. FATHER MCNULTY'S OFFICE - DAY The Father has undergone a metamorphosis. He's redder than a boiling lobster, his eyes bulge and he's laughing the deepest laugh a man can without risking psychological evaluation. Jam watches fascinated as the priest tries to finish the story. It's not every day you see a holy man tripping on shrooms. FATHER MCNULTY (in mid-guffaw) So then, the younger one says, "But dad... I've been helping you on the farm my entire life! (belly laugh) You never once slaughtered the fatted calf for me!" And then... (more belly laughter) Forgive me, Jeremiah, it's just that... I've been telling this gospel for years and... I just now realized it's the work of some comedy mastermind! The Prodigal Son is a barrel of fucking monkeys! Father McNulty belly laughs so hard this time, he slides off his chair hitting his chin on the edge of his desk. He is in pain only momentarily, then laughs again, this time at his own pratfall. He hoists himself back into his chair. Hawk, Trip, and Lex suddenly barge into the office, followed by the outraged nun. NUN You kids can't go in there! HAWK It's okay, we're old buds of Father McNulty... How's it hangin', padre? FATHER MCNULTY A little to the right, pizza fellow. Father McNulty laughs some more. HAWK That was another dude. Anyway, we're here to take our bud Jam to the big satanic KISS concert tonight. Okay with you? FATHER MCNULTY (waving) Rock on! Jam gets up and all four boys exit. FATHER MCNULTY (yelling after them) Give my regards to the guy with the really big tongue! The nun looks at the priest, deep concern in her eyes. FATHER MCNULTY What the hell are you doing, Sister Gonorrhea, waiting for a bus? He lets out a belly laugh as the shocked nun runs from the office. Father McNulty laughs even louder at her behavior, POUNDING his fists on the desk, tears rolling down his cheeks, until... He suddenly glimpses at the painting of the Virgin Mary and abruptly stops laughing. What appears to be extreme contrition washes over his face as he moves closer to the painting. FATHER MCNULTY Jesus H. Christ, look at all the colors. GUIDOS INT. VOLVO - DAY Hawk drives, Trip rides shotgun, Lex and Jam sit in the back. Stoked beyond belief, Jam POUNDS his drumsticks on the upholstery to the beat of a rockin' KISS tune playing on the 8-track. JAM Oh, man, my mom is gonna send me to Alcatraz for this and I don't even care! I'm gonna see Peter Criss's drum solo! Lex taps Jam on the shoulder. LEX Not looking like that, Mr. Rogers. Lex hands him a paper bag with jeans and a tee-shirt in it. LEX We got you a change of duds when we picked up the car. HAWK Next stop: the 2:45 to Detroit Rock City! The boys do their Three Stooges handshake and say "Curly!" Jam starts to change. Just then, the Volvo passes a two-tone Chevy Impala with luggage tied to the roof. The passenger in the back seat turns and spots Jam pulling off his pants. It's Beth. Her eyes bulge. Beth parents are in the front. Jam spots her and beams. Their eyes lock. She waves and starts to yell something, when... suddenly... BANG! The boys look out the driver's side of the car to see the rear hubcap rolling away. They've got a flat. LEX (screams) My mom's hubcap! The car fishtails and weaves but Hawk manages to pull over. The Chevy continues on, Beth gazing out the rear window sadly. HAWK Shit! (looks at car clock) Anybody know how long it takes to fix a flat? EXT. LOCAL TRAIN STOP - DAY ANGLE ON a status report. The 2:45 is now leaving. We see is Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam running alongside a train as it picks up speed by the second. They YELL for it to stop, but it's hopeless. The train is gone. So much for the 2:45. INT. VOLVO - DAY Lex looks at the speedometer. Hawk's got it up to ninety- five. LEX Jeezis, Hawk, can you at least keep it within twenty miles of the speed limit? HAWK Lex, am I gonna have to lock you in the trunk till we reach Detroit? Don't worry, these babies are built for speed. Trip holds his stomach as we hear it GROWL. TRIP I'm starvin' and it's way past lunchtime. HAWK Totally. All I've had for chow was a packet of Pop Rocks and a Yoo-hoo. Trip spots a sign on the side of the road: Next Exit, Sandusky. TRIP Let's stop in Sandusky, Hawk. HAWK What's in Sandusky? TRIP Pizza, and I been jones-in' for a pizza ever since we left St. Bernard's. DISSOLVE TO: MOMENTS LATER INT. VOLVO - DAY The boys chomp on their pizza slices and chug cans of Hawaiian Punch. Another raucous KISS tune BLARES. Behind them, a car horn starts HONKING rhythmically. Hawk looks into the rearview mirror and sees two guys and two girls in a tailgating Trans Am. The guys have 90 M.P.H. haircuts, tacky, wide-collared shirts, and massive amounts of jewelry on their necks. The girls wear 10-layer make-up, mega-jewelry, and hair teased so high, it touches the car's roof. HAWK Only a car full of guidos and stellas would ride someone's ass on a two- lane road and beep. INT. TRANS AM - DAY The speakers BLAST a DISCO SONG to which the four passengers sing. KENNY, the driver, HONKS to the disco beat. They're slightly older than our heroes and very full of themselves. Kenny and his best girl CHRISTINE sit in the front. BOBBY and BARBARA are in the back. It's a double disco date. INT. VOLVO - DAY Trip lifts a rubbery slice of pizza to his mouth and the top layer slides off PLOPPING into his lap. TRIP Eyowch! This is one hot pizza! LEX Trip, huck that out before it stains the upholstery! Trip grabs the wad of goop and throws it out the window. EXT. TRANS AM - DAY Just as the DISCO TUNE playing in the Trans Am hits the next chorus, a fistful of pizza SPLATTERS across the windshield. Freaked, Kenny swerves and zigzags all over the road. Righting himself, Kenny's entire family might as well have been insulted. KENNY Stop singing... NOW! He turns off the stereo and floors the accelerator, swerving into the left lane and passing the Volvo. Bobby is just now noticing the mess on the windshield. He starts to laugh. BOBBY Hey, Kenny, look! There's a hunk of fawkin' cheese on your windsheel! INT. VOLVO - DAY Lex is looking at the mess on the Trans Am's windshield and the anger in the eyes of its passengers. LEX Holy shit! We just pissed off the Incredible Hulk, his idiot half brother and two circus clowns. The Trans Am runs alongside the Volvo and Hawk turns to see Kenny pointing to the breakdown lane. KENNY Stop the friggin' car NOW! Hawk rolls up his window. Kenny yells, VOICE MUFFLED, and points to Hawk who pays absolutely no attention whatsoever. JAM Don't you think we should at least pull over and offer to clean it off? HAWK What?! Are you mentally deranged, Jam? Just then, SLAM, the Trans Am bangs up against the side of the Volvo pushing it onto the shoulder. HAWK What the fuck! LEX (freaking out) The paint! EXT. FREEWAY - DAY The Trans Am muscles the Volvo into the breakdown lane. Parking the ass end of the Pontiac out a bit, Kenny blocks the Volvo in. Kenny and Bobby climb from their car and storm over to the boys. Hawk opens his door just as Kenny's hairy-knuckled hands pull him out through the window. He grabs Trip, yanking him out too. Bobby opens the back door and does the same with Lex and Jam. With a kid in each hand now, Kenny and Bobby SLAM the four boys against the Volvo in a line. The size difference between the burnouts and the guidos is painfully obvious now. Kenny and Bobby are Neanderthals. KENNY Do you realize the sheer, goddamn, unadulterated, undiluted, no holds barred, one hundred percent pure as Ivory Snow, absolutely friggin' STUPIDITY of what you just did? HAWK Hey, disco dude, it's cool... Kenny hauls back and SLAPS the row of boys in the faces Three Stooges-style... WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK! KENNY DO YOU?! Trip, Lex, and Jam clutch their faces in pain. Hawk looks merely disenchanted as Kenny pokes a muscle-bound finger at his chest. Getting in Hawk's face, Kenny yammers loud and fast. KENNY Lemme paint you a friggin' picture ahright? Imagine if you will a 1978 Pontiac Trans American in pristine condition. (beat) An appealing portrait, nesspah? Hawk starts to say "yes." KENNY BUT WAIT! What's that spec on the windshield? Could it be a wad of melted mozzarella, tangy tomato sauce, and various friggin' meat products? Hawk is unimpressed. HAWK Could be. KENNY And if it ain't cleaned off? CHRISTINE Kenny, come on with the macho crap already. Like this kid could take you in a fight anyway. KENNY (ignoring Christine) Answer me, hippie girl. And if the mess ain't cleaned off my car? HAWK It could... bake on? Kenny looks at Bobby and they exchange moronic grins. KENNY You're a smart little homo, aren't you, hippie girl? But, while astounded at your nimble, friggin' insight, I still detect an issue hanging fire, namely: where does a sharp-witted faggot like yourself get off doing such a dopey thing like that there? Hawk figured out that any answer he gives will be incorrect and has decided to wait till Kenny's done. KENNY No really, I'm perplexed. I mean, could you have done stupider if you were born without a FUCKIN' HEAD?! CHRISTINE (using "oh" to mean "enough") Oh! With the language! KENNY Shut-up, Christine! Christine snarls at Kenny. HAWK Okay, Kenny? I don't mean to drain your keg or anything, but could you speed up this process? (beat) Don't get me wrong, we'd love to stand here and get shit on by the cast of Saturday Night Fever, but we're also on a schedule. So step on it. Cold silence as Kenny replays Hawk's insult over in his head. KENNY Are you gettin' wise with me? HAWK No, I'm dumber than a goddamn slug. Now can I please clean your windshield and leave without further ado? BOBBY Break his fawkin' legs, Kenny! Kenny's temper's rising faster than the price of gasoline. Hawk on the other hand is cooler than an Otter Pop. KENNY Oh, you're dumb all right, you hairy ass punk. But please, allow me to clean the friggin' windshield. I insist. And with that, Kenny grabs himself a fistful of Hawk's long hair and pulls him over to the Trans Am. He wipes the pizza off with Hawk's hair, tugging Hawk's head up and down, back and forth. Hawk GRUNTS with each wipe, but doesn't give Kenny the satisfaction of hearing him scream. Trip, Lex, and Jam watch helplessly, trapped under Bobby's dull-witted, but equally threatening gaze. Kenny gets the last of the big chunks off his windshield and looks at his handiwork. KENNY There. Nice and clean. He throws Hawk to the ground and smiles at Bobby. Then, he suddenly hears the KISS tune coming from the Volvo. Uh-oh! KENNY Oh, no, no, no! It's the fag band! Kenny clenches his jaws and walks up to the Volvo, reaching in the driver's door. Suddenly Jam grabs his wrist. JAM Whoa! This is about pizza! Let's leave KISS out of it. Please. KENNY A bunch of guys who make bad music, dress like freaks, and wear more make-up than all my sisters combined? These assholes must be stopped! Kenny pushes Jam away. CHRISTINE That's it, Kenny! I'm leaving! Christine gets out of the car and starts walking down the highway, exiting the scene. BARBARA Oh, Christine! You googatz in the head or something? We're on the side of the freakin' highway! BOBBY Let her go, Barbara, she'll come back to Kenny. She always does... (to Kenny) Right, Kenny? Kenny meanwhile has his arm in the Volvo. KENNY Kool and the Gang, now there's real music. Kenny takes the 8-track from the car... KENNY But this... is crap! He flings it into the highway, where it is summarily smashed to bits under the wheels of a passing semi. FOLLOW a chunk of cartridge and a strand of mangled tape streaming from it as it sails back toward the side of the road, landing at Jam's feet. TILT UP to Jam's face. He raises his eyes and turns to the CAMERA, a single tear rolling down his cheek, just like the Indian in that "Keep America Beautiful" litter ad. Hawk rises and Kenny comes face-to-face with him. KENNY So. All that having been said and done, I believe we are ready for the final topic of discussion. Namely: Have you learned your lesson yet, puke? Hawk pulls a cigarette from his pocket and lights it. He blows some smoke in Kenny's face. HAWK Well, let's recap, shall we? You slapped all of us, yelled at me, used my head for a rag, threw me on the ground and tossed our LOVE GUN 8- track under the wheels of a passing semi. (puffing on cig) So, if the lesson was that you're a dick with ears and a really bad haircut, then, yes... I'd say we learned it. KENNY (beat, in disbelief) Excuse me, I'm a little deef-a- hearin'. Can you repeat yourself? HAWK Okay. Ahem! You. Are. A. Dick. With. Ears. And. A. Really. Bad. Haircut. KENNY Oh, yeah...? Out of original material, Kenny goes for an old stand by. KENNY That's not what your mother said last night. Trip, Lex, and Jam exchange "uh-oh" glances. Meanwhile, Hawk's eyes glaze over. HAWK It's not, huh? Well, then, tell me... Hawk reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out his mostly empty can of Hawaiian Punch, holding it discreetly at his side. HAWK ...what exactly did my mother say last night? Kenny draws a blank, not being prepared for this one. HAWK You heard me, prick. What did my mother say last night? Kenny chuckles and looks at Bobby. They have a good little laugh... the homo's got balls! Then Kenny turns back to Hawk. KENNY Okay, fagmo... I'll tell you what your mother said last night. (beat) She said that I was the fuck of her life. Hawk is a little mad now. He tosses his cigarette to the ground and squashes it like a bug under his sneaker. HAWK (very Clint Eastwood) How would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch? KENNY (smirking) Sure. Quick as a shot, Hawk SLAMS the bottom of the can into Kenny's nose, crushing it flat against his face. Hawaiian backwash spews from its tab hole like blood as Kenny falls backwards from the impact. He hits his head on the ground. Taking this as a cue... Trip whips out his wallet on a chain... Lex rips off his KISS belt... And Jam yanks out his drumsticks. As if choreographed, Trip swoops the wallet at Bobby's feet, snagging him around the ankles tightly with the chain. Lex THWAMS Bobby in the face with his big KISS belt buckle leaving a reversed, red, KISS logo branded in his forehead. Trip yanks the chain pulling Bobby off his feet. When he hits the ground, Jam's right there DRUMMING his balls. Bobby shrieks. Meanwhile, Hawk advances on Kenny who tries to get the can off his face, but it's stuck on looking like a pig's nose with fruit punch for snot. Hawk raises both his hands in Kenny's face, then executes the final insult... Hawk messes Kenny's hair. Kenny lets out a scream that comes from the bottom of his vanity. Hawk grabs Kenny by the ears and brings the guido's head swiftly against his kneecap. Kenny falls to the ground, unconscious on top of Bobby. Their heads collide knocking Bobby out cold. Terrified, Barbara leaps from the Trans Am and is cornered. LEX Not so fast, stella. DISSOLVE TO: MOMENTS LATER Kenny, Bobby, and Barbara are now tied to the guardrail with Jam's white corduroy pants, geeky belt, and plaid shirt. Kenny and Bobby rest their unconscious heads on each of Barbara's shoulders. Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam look down at the two guidos and the stella, snickering. BARBARA When they wake up, they're gonna come looking for you jerks. You best hope they don't find you, cause if they do, they're gonna kick your asses. Hawk grabs a cinderblock off the side of the road, walking up to the Trans Am. HAWK Right, stella, and we'll deserve it. But let's really make it worth their while. Hawk puts the rock on the Trans Am's accelerator letting the engine WHINE in protest. (Again we are cautious not to show the guidos' faces.) HAWK By the way, when Kenny wakes up could you give him a message for me. Tell him, quote, Kool and the gang bite my bag, motherfucker, unquote. He throws the Trans Am into drive. All who are conscience listen to the brief SCREECH, then watch the Trans Am as it barrels without a driver into the woods skirting the highway. It races into ditches, bounces off trees, and SPLASHES through ponds, all Smokey and the Bandit-like. The disco-mobile ramps off the edge of an embankment, tumbles down a steep, rocky incline breaking apart along the way, and finally, BOOM! It explodes on final impact. The boys all look at each other and shrug. Hawk walks back to the Volvo and gets in. Trip, Lex, and Jam follow suit and pile in as well. Lex shouts back to Barbara. LEX Oh, thanks for letting us draw from your ample make-up supply. You must have the entire Revlon factory in your purse! ANGLE ON KENNY, BOBBY, AND BARBARA. We now see them from the front. Lo-and-behold, Kenny has been made-up like Gene Simmons, Bobby like Paul Stanley. Whoever finds them is gonna get the wrong idea about their musical taste... and kick their asses all over again. BARBARA Very funny. I hope you choke! STELLA ON BOARD INT. VOLVO - DAY Hawk starts the engine and takes off. Trip pulls a baggie of weed and some rolling papers out. JAM Hey, look, it's that girl. Jam points out at the road ahead to Christine. She's a few hundred feet away walking sadly in the breakdown lane. TRIP That's no girl. That's a stella. JAM Stella or no stella, we should pull over and help her out. HAWK Oh no, Jam. I'm not falling for that twice. JAM Well, couldn't you slow down so I can at least state my case, Hawk? If you don't like it, you can speed up and I'll never mention it again. Hawk slows down, turning into the breakdown lane, travelling about two miles per hour. Christine doesn't notice as they edge closer to her. LEX What is it with you, Jam? You got a thing for that... thing? JAM She's a teenage girl walking on the side of the highway. They make very scary movies that start out like that. HAWK Well, they may not make movies about four dudes going to a KISS concert. But if they ever did, the four dudes most certainly would not stop and pick up a stranded disco bunny. Pause. TRIP Unless there was gonna be a scene where the disco bunny blows the four dudes on the way to the show. INT. VOLVO - DAY Christine sits between Jam and Lex in the back SNAPPING gum. Jam and Lex stare at her like cats looking at a fish bowl. Hawk looks in the rearview mirror at Christine checking herself in a compact. She swathes on some 7-Up flavored, Bonnie Bell lip gloss. Trip meanwhile twirls the joint he's just finished rolling in his mouth, sealing it. He winks at her disgustingly. CHRISTINE Oh, great. I just hitched a ride with a bunch of potheads... I'm hooking up with some people at this funky place in downtown Detroit called Disco Inferno. Mind droppin' me there? TRIP (smirks) What's it worth to you? CHRISTINE (grossed out) What the hell is that supposed to mean? JAM It doesn't mean anything. Don't pay attention to him. HAWK (rolls his eyes) Disco Inferno? Disco's infernal morelike. Trying to be suave, Lex moves in close, putting the make on her. LEX Your clothes may say disco, but your eyes say rock 'n' roll, baby. CHRISTINE Well, your tee-shirt may say rock 'n' roll, but your breath says pepperoni, baby. She pushes him away. Jam laughs. TRIP (frustrated) So, are you, like, gonna polish our nobs, or what? CHRISTINE (thoroughly offended) What? That's disgusting! JAM Trip! That's so fuckin' rude, man. TRIP Oh, quit bein' the wussy, sensitive guy to impress her, Jam. She's obviously not gonna put out. She's a fuckin' tease. CHRISTINE Tease? What the hell did I do to tease you mongoloids? TRIP You got in the car, didn't you? CHRISTINE Oh, God, how calculating of me to lead you all on like that after you offered me a ride in the middle of nowhere. TRIP Whatever... stella. Trip lights the joint and takes a lungful of pot. He passes it to Lex and the joint begins to make its rounds with the exception of Christine. The car starts to fill with smoke. CHRISTINE The name's Christine, not stella. And there's no need to be such pigs just cause I prefer Donna Summer or KC and the Sunshine Boys or the Village People over KISS? HAWK (with disdain) The Village People? They're fags! You're a fag hag! JAM Come on, Hawk. CHRISTINE I can take care of myself, but thanks anyway, germ. JAM Jam. CHRISTINE Whatever. (to Hawk) Okay, Joe Burnout, let's get one thing straight here. As far as I'm concerned good tunes is good tunes, be it disco or rock or polka or whatever have you, regardless of the category. True, if I had to choose, I'd pick the category labelled disco because I happen to enjoy dancing. Disco is just easier to dance to. HAWK You call that John Travolta/Denny Terio shit dancing? I wouldn't dance like that in private if you paid me. TRIP Disco blows dogs for quarters. Christine processes this remark. CHRISTINE Now there's an intelligently biting remark wrought with wit and irony. Trip looks confused, then smiles thinking she paid him a compliment. HAWK Hey, if you don't like that one, maybe you'll think it's funny when we throw your ass out the goddamn car! CHRISTINE Yeah, why don't you put your money where your mouth is? HAWK Why don't you kiss my hairy crack? CHRISTINE Why don't you bend over, you're looking right at it! All, Christine included, pause to think about what that comment was supposed to mean. Lex takes a hit off the joint. LEX (holding in smoke) That last remark fell about 30 yards away from making any sense whatsoever. Hawk and Trip immediately bust into the giggles and it doesn't take long for Lex and Jam to follow suit. CHRISTINE (realization) Hey, you're right. "Bend over you're looking right at it?!" (starts to laugh) What's that supposed to mean anyway? Christine succumbs to the contagious giggle epidemic and the whole car gets a great laugh for a while. They finally calm down again and wipe tears from their eyes. Lex still has the joint now as Christine looks at it. CHRISTINE Man, this is some kickass shit! (beat) Gimme a hit off that jay will ya? Lex smiles despite himself and holds the weed out to her as we... DISSOLVE TO: HELLO DETROIT, GOODBYE TICKETS! MONTAGE The Volvo passing a big sign that says: "Welcome to Michigan, the Great Lakes State." The Volvo racing toward the Detroit skyline. Detroit landmarks: The General Motors Building, the Ford Building, Motown Records, and finally... COBO HALL, where thousands of fans in KISS tees gather, waiting for its doors to open. Unbelievable traffic stretches to an intersection at which stand four key landmarks... a cathedral, a convenience store, a parking lot, and a male strip joint. They face one another, each on its own corner. A gigantic sign on the auditorium's facade flashes the commandment, "YOU GOTTA LOSE YOUR MIND IN DETROIT ROCK CITY" over and over again. EXT. COBO HALL - SUNSET The sun hangs low on this day as the Volvo sits in traffic, passing Cobo Hall. Movement is nearly impossible. KISS FANS cram every square foot of open macadam, pushing through the jammed cars. STREET VENDORS hawk KISS souvenirs from tee-shirts to pennants. Some are in stands along the sidewalk. Others come right up to car windows. INT. VOLVO - SUNSET Christine is fast asleep between Jam and Lex. LEX Man, that weed knocked Christine on her ass. She's sleeping like a baby stella. TRIP (whispers lustfully) Let's lift up her shirt. HAWK (pointing out windshield) There it is! All look ahead. COBO Hall. A HALO GLOW forms around the building accompanied by a CHOIR OF ANGELS. JAM (in reverence) We made it! LEX Curly driving, Hawk. We still got two hours to spare. HAWK Ample time to grab our tickets at the station. See, up ahead. W.A.R.P. One block on the left is the W.A.R.P. tower. HAWK Hey, Look at the front entrance! A car's pulling out. The parking space from heaven. God is surely smiling down upon us tonight, dudes. JAM Kind of funny, I thought He'd be pissed as hell at me. The opening to the Carpenters' "TOP OF THE WORLD" begins. INT. W.A.R.P. TOWER ELEVATOR - NIGHT "TOP OF THE WORLD" continues, playing through the speaker of the ascending elevator inside which Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam stand. They watch the numbers climb, smiling. HAWK What was that D.J.'s name again? TRIP Oh, I'll remember it till the day I die. His name was... Simpleton the Simian? No, Samson Samoan... No, simply, similar... INT. SIMPLE SIMON'S OFFICE - NIGHT Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam poke their heads around the corner of an office doorway totem pole-style. HAWK Simple Simon? SIMPLE SIMON strikes a pose before a full-length mirror in a glittery-back Gene Simmons tee-shirt, silver pants, and very high heel boots. He has a huge Afro and bushy moustache. He turns when he hears Hawk. SIMPLE SIMON The one and only. But can you kids hurry this up? I'm due at Coco Hall in half an hour for the warm-up. They all enter and stand at Simple Simon's desk. HAWK We're right behind you, Simo. Just wanted to thank you in advance for handing over those burly-ass tix me and my buds won this morning. The boys do a Three Stooges handshake and say "Curly!" Simple Simon on the other hand suddenly appears nonplussed SIMPLE SIMON Your name isn't Trip is it? INT. PRODUCER'S BOOTH - NIGHT Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam sit in the tiny producer's booth with Simon who fast forwards a reel-to-reel tape through some very loud, high-speed conversation and bits of music. Looking at the footage counter on the tape player, he slows down at a certain point and lets the boys listen to this: The CLICK of a phone being answered. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Simple Simon on the Rock, go caller. TRIP'S VOICE Hello? Is this me? I'm Trip. Am I on the air? SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE I should hang up on you right now, but you're the right caller so answer quick or get your battleship sunk. What are the names of the four members of KISS? TRIP'S VOICE Gene Klein, Stanley Eisen, Paul Frehley, and Peter...Criscula! Yeah, that's it! Pause. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Is that your final answer? TRIP'S VOICE (with trepidation) Yeah. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE (building to crescendo) Trip? You just got yourself four tickets and four backstage passes to KISS live at Cobo Hall tonight! Pause. TRIP'S VOICE I did? SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Yeah, you did! TRIP'S VOICE Yeeeehaaawww!! This is totally fuckin' curly, man! Thank you God! CLI-CLICK. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Whoa, easy, Trip, this is radio, not "Taxi Driver." Now listen up cause this next part is crucial. Stay on the line so we can get your full name, information, and... DIAL TONE. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Trip? Trip? Oh, man, you didn't hang up on me did you? Trip? (beat) What kind of total moron would hang...? Simple Simon stops the tape and looks at the boys who look like they've just been served a life sentence behind bars. SIMPLE SIMON Well, there you have it. We had no choice but to give the tickets to the next caller. I'm sorry. Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam stare at the floor in silence. SIMPLE SIMON We got sodas in the fridge if that helps any. INT. W.A.R.P. TOWER ELEVATOR - NIGHT Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam ride back down the elevator sipping NeHi sodas, watching the floor numbers get lower and lower. Terry Jack's immortal hit "SEASONS IN THE SUN" plays over the elevator speaker. HAWK Well, here we are, dudes. One hour and thirty minutes away from the concert of the century... ticketless. All thanks to Wile E. Coyote, Super- Fucking Genius over here. Trip looks away from the rest, ashamed. LEX Really, Trip, can we bore holes in your head and use it as a bong so it actually does us some good for a change? TRIP Fuck you, Lex! This whole thing wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you jinxing us. I just made an honest mistake. HAWK Oh, I'm sorry, Trip. What you made was a big, brainless, pile of horse shit. No offense. JAM Guys, GUYS! Come on, if this is anyone's fault, it's mine. I was the one who grabbed Trip's jacket by mistake. It's my fault and I apologize. HAWK Please, Jam, we're trying to vent some hostility here. Sure the whole thing may be your fault, but who's gonna get pissed off at you? Jam looks at his feet. JAM Sometimes I think I don't deserve friends as good as you guys. Hawk, Trip, and Lex cringe. HAWK I have one question. How could a kid who wails on the drums like it's the only thing keeping him alive even think of such a femmy thing to say? TRIP Really, Jam, you tryin' to make us barf? LEX Yeah, it's like you're possessed by The Flying Nun, or something. The doors to the elevator open and the boys step out. SHAKE YOUR WEEWEE! EXT. W.A.R.P. TOWER - NIGHT COBO Hall looms up ahead. Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam enter the sidewalk. A thickening CROWD of KISS fans continually meander by. On their way to the car, they suddenly hear a WOMAN'S VOICE bellowing through a megaphone from somewhere down the street. After a moment they see the voice's source. A GROUP OF WOMEN has congregated about forty feet ahead and their LEADER, her back toward the boys, yells to the group through her bullhorn. Flying above them all is a large banner reading: "MATMOK, Mothers Against The Music Of KISS." LEADER Welcome to the first open meeting of MATMOK, Mothers Against The Music Of KISS!" The group cheers as the KISS FANS milling around them pretty much ignore the whole MATMOK spectacle. Lex looks away from the MATMOKS and into the street. We can't see what he sees, but we can tell he's alarmed. LEX Uh... dudes? HAWK (ignoring Lex) Now there's a woman who totally abuses the privilege of motherhood. LEX DUDES! They all look at Lex. LEX (eyes focused ahead) Where's the Volvo? Hawk, Trip, and Jam look at their parking spot to see a beat- up Dodge Dart sitting there instead of the Volvo. TRIP It's gone. LEX I can see that, bright boy. What happened to it? JAM It was stolen! HAWK (incredulous) Christine stole it! Asleep, my ass! The stella booted with your mom's wheels. LEX But we took the keys? TRIP Damn, she musta hot wired it. We picked up a professional car thief in the shape of Olivia Newton-John! LEX Okay, I'm just a little mad now! Jam, why'd you talk us into picking that bitch up in the first place!? JAM I'm sorry, guys. I thought it was a nice thing to do. HAWK Jam, not another word out of your femmy-ass mouth! Okay, we're here, we got nothing, and we got an hour and a half. We're totally committed. It's time to brainstorm. LEX Here's a suggestion. Let's stop worrying about the concert for the time being and get the cops in on this Volvo situation. HAWK Wake up, Lex. This is Detroit. The cops aren't gonna waste city dollars looking for a Swedish car. Face it, the Volvo's on a cutting board as we speak getting sliced, diced, and julienned by Christine, the chop shop gourmet. Lex is developing a look of resolve. This is Detroit! HAWK Now listen up. Here's the game plan. LEX (on a roll) ...I mean, my mom's got insurance. What's the worst thing she could do? Ground me for the entire year? I can handle that... HAWK Cool, bro, now listen up... LEX ...Holy shit! I am in absolute trouble! I never should have let you drive, man! Absolute fuckin' trouble! HAWK Okay, shut the fuck up, Lex! Now, then, step number one, we find us a scalper. I got... (takes out KISS money clip) twenty-five. TRIP Twenty-five more'n I got. LEX All I got is five. The rest is in the Volvo. JAM I got... HAWK Uh-uh. Don't tell us, Jam. Just show us. Jam holds up a ten keeping his mouth shut. HAWK So maybe we got enough for one ticket. Fuck! TRIP Waitaminit, dudes! I got it! We find four really small kids, beat the shit outta them and steal their tickets. What do you think? HAWK (sarcastic) Brilliance, Trip. Sheer brilliance. Give Albert Einstein here the Nobel Prize. Trip smiles proudly. LEX I think we should try sneaking in. HAWK Four dudes sneaking in? We'd get busted fer sure. Bad plan. LEX Okay, one of us sneaks in, gets four ticket stubs off some kids in the audience, comes back out, and we all "re-enter" the concerto. Voila! HAWK Still too risky for my money. (looking at watch) We're running out of time here. This is KISS! A victory for one is a victory for the team. I'm sure I can barter with a scalper, but if you dudes think you got better plans, go for it. We'll reconvene at that intersection... Hawk points to the intersection where the church, the male strip joint, the parking lot, and the Smiley Mart are located. HAWK ...at twenty-thirty hours. TRIP One more time in English. HAWK For the next hour and a half it's every dude for himself. Try to get at least one ticket and at 8:30 P.M. we'll meet over there. JAM (inspired) Wait! I know how we can get in! HAWK Jam, shut-up! You're not allowed to speak, remember? Go use whatever femmy idea you have to get yourself a ticket or four. I don't wanna hear it. JAM (sadly) But... my plan involves all four of us acting together. HAWK See you at 8:30, Jam. Later. (to Lex and Trip) Dudes? Later. Hawk, Trip, and Lex split up, leaving Jam alone. He starts walking in the opposite direction, passing MATMOKS. The leader is still on a roll, yelling through the megaphone. LEADER Look around you tonight, mothers! Look at all the young faces! They smile and laugh but their eyes have lost all hope! Not one among them appears to possess the love and fear of God... This satanic group KISS has stolen their souls. The leader's gaze finally falls upon Jam. He lets out a GASP. Yes, the leader is Mrs. Bruce. So this was her church meeting. She freezes when she sees her son; her jaw slackens. Meanwhile Jam looks stunned beyond comprehension. JAM Oh... dear... Lord!! Mrs. Bruce quickly hands the megaphone to another MATMOK member, who picks up where Mrs. Bruce left off. Jam looks around for someplace to run and hide, but it's too late. Mrs. Bruce slices through the crowd of KISS fans and grabs Jam by the ear. He yelps. MRS. BRUCE I don't know how you got here tonight and I don't want to know either. All I know is you're going to pay dearly for this one, young man! EXT. ST., SEBASTIAN'S CATHEDRAL - NIGHT Mrs. Bruce tugs Jam toward the intersection we saw before. They cross the street toward the corner where the Cathedral sits. Jam looks up at the cross on the steeple and GULPS with trepidation. JAM Mom, what're we...? MRS. BRUCE Just keep your lying, heathenous trap shut, Jeremiah. They climb the steps to the cathedral passing a bulletin board reading: Thank God It's Friday Mass, 6PM-7PM. PARISHIONERS exit the beautiful church, shaking hands with a PRIEST as they leave. PARISHIONERS What a wonderful mass, Father/So inspirational, Father/Thank you. PRIEST Thank you/Come again next week. Mrs. Bruce pulls Jam up to the priest. PRIEST Next mass is tomorrow morning, sister. MRS. BRUCE Can we talk, Father? I'm desperate. My son was about to defy God by going to that blasphemous KISS concert. PRIEST In that case, come right in. Meanwhile, across the street... EXT. WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER JOINT - NIGHT Parked in front of the busy fast-food establishment we recognize the two-toned Chevy Impala with luggage tied on top. In the window we see Beth and her parents sitting at one of the booths. Out the window Beth looks across the street just as Jam, Mrs. Bruce, and the priest enter the cathedral. Her face drops. BETH Oh my God! That's Jeremiah! DAD Who? BETH Jeremiah Bruce from school. He and his mom just went into that church. He must be in Detroit for the concert. Can I go say good-bye to him? MOM Beth, I am not letting you wander the streets of Detroit after dark. BETH I'm not going to wander. I'm just gonna go over there. Beth points to St. Sebastian's. BETH He's with his mom. DAD Fine, as long as we know where you are. But don't be long. We need to be getting back on the road. Beth is already out the door and halfway across the street. Dad pats mom's shoulder. DAD She's probably got a little crush on that boy. EXT. ST. SEBASTIAN'S CATHEDRAL - NIGHT Beth runs up to the cathedral and sneaks in. EXT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP JOINT - NIGHT Hawk walks down the sidewalk badgering everyone passing by for a ticket, getting the same stock answer: "Suffer, dude!" He stops and sits on a curb, lighting a cigarette. Behind him stands the marquee for IT'S RAINING MEN, the male strip joint. A DISCO SONG comes from inside. Just when it looks like Hawk's given up, a VOICE is heard above. VOICE Hey, chief? Need a ticket? Hawk can't believe his ears. He looks up at a greasy-looking hybrid, part porn star, part used car salesman, the SCALPER. SCALPER Second row center, seventy-five clams. Trying to act confident, Hawk takes out his money clip showing the scalper twenty-five dollars. HAWK Dude, this is all I got. SCALPER Sorry, man, no can do. But I'll be here for a while if you scare up the extra gravy. HAWK Where the hell am I gonna scare up that kinda gravy in one hour? SCALPER The easy way. The scalper points over his shoulder and Hawk turns to see three GIGGLING WOMEN exiting the strip joint. None are under forty. A sign below the bar's logo reads: Amateur Night Giveaway! Guys Over 18 Only! Bare It All And Win 75 Bucks! SCALPER You look a little scrawny, but it's worth a shot. HAWK I can't just walk in and take my clothes off. It's embarrasskin. SCALPER Guess you don't want to see the greatest show on earth. And in Detroit no less. Well, take care, chief. The scalper turns and Hawk grabs his arm. HAWK Dude, if it were dancing the way Fred Astaire did it, I'd give it my best shot. I'd learn the steps and practice in my spare time. But this... tribal, ritualistic bullshit, it's way-too-spontaneous for me. SCALPER Yeah, you're probably too young anyhow. HAWK Hey, I invented fake I.D.s, alright. That's not the problem... They're playing disco music in there, man. SCALPER Chief, here's a little secret. Drink heavily, your feet will know what to do. Now shit or get off the pot. Do you wanna dance or do you wanna see KISS only on their album covers? Hawk gets a look of resolve on his face. SCALPER You sure you'll have a ticket for me? SCALPER You have my solemn oath as a public servant. Hawk turns and walks up to the door, hesitating before opening it. Rummaging through his pockets, he pulls out a handful of expired driver's licenses. Choosing the one he thinks best suits himself, he walks in with trepidation. The scalper sees someone else coming up. SCALPER Hey, chief, you need a ticket? Second row center, seventy-five clams. It's Trip. TRIP No thanks, dude. I'm beating my ticket out of some poor, defenseless chump. Trip exits FRAME. SCALPER What's happening to kids today? INT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP JOINT - NIGHT Hawk enters your average, everyday, male strip joint. A crowd of LUSTY WOMEN cheer on a STRIPPER IN A FIREMAN'S SUIT. He dances on a lighted, tile stage under a spinning, mirror ball. Hawk shows the MAN AT THE DOOR his fake license and the man nods him in. He approaches the bar in the early stages of being very intimidated. The BARTENDER, a man dressed only in tight, black, tuxedo pants, shirt cuffs, and a tie, comes up to Hawk. HAWK (voice cracking) Like to sign up for the contest. The bartender gives Hawk the once over. BARTENDER You're a little scrawny, but thanks to the concert we're low on amateurs. Name? HAWK Hawk. BARTENDER Pick a song, Hawk. HAWK Got any KISS? BARTENDER You kidding? This is Detroit. Drink? HAWK Yeah, a man's drink... Hawk squints at a name tag on the bartender's tie. HAWK ...Dickey. Dickey goes to the bottle rack on the other side of the bar. HAWK (to himself) I'm gonna need all the help I can get tonight. Dickey returns with the drink and Hawk pulls out his money clip. HAWK (looking at the drink) What's that? BARTENDER You mean you never seen a Jack Daniels on the rocks before? Hawk looks at the unfamiliar drink again trying to play it cool. HAWK Sure, I have. But not one with ice in it, that's all. BARTENDER (seeing money clip) Save your money, stud muffin. The lady at the end of the bar sends her love. Dickey points to a WOMAN sitting at the end of the bar. Mature and sexy. She's a knock-out. Every teenage boy's fantasy. Hawk's eyes pop at this "Mrs. Robinson" before him. HAWK Whoa... she is a killer. BARTENDER Amanda Finch. Her ex is one of the wealthiest businessmen in Detroit. Play your cards right and you could hit paydirt. She like 'em young. (leaning in) And since you look a little new at this, let me give you three words of advice. Hard to get. Think it, act it, know it, be it. Nothing a woman loves more than when you beat her at her own head games. Dicky pats Hawk's shoulder and leaves. Hawk looks away from Amanda and scans the room. He glances back at Amanda. She's still gazing at him the way queens of yore must have eyed particularly cute knights. She winks and toasts Hawk. Hawk raises his glass smiling nervously. They both sip at their drinks. She licks her lips suggestively at him. And, Hawk proceeds to COUGH up his mouthful of Jack Daniels, SPRAYING it all over the bar. SMILEY MART / HAULING BASS EXT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT Your typical 70's convenient store. Out front two SIX YEAR OLDS in Star Wars tee-shirts play tug-o-war with a Stretch Armstrong doll. Trip stomps over grabbing them by their mini shirts. When he tries to act tough, it's pathetic. Even six year olds aren't afraid. TRIP Hey, you little twerps, gimme your KISS tickets or I'll pop your fuckin' faces in. SIX YEAR OLD #1 We don't have any KISS tickets. SIX YEAR OLD #2 Yeah, KISS sucks! TRIP I oughta kick your asses for sayin' that. He grabs the Stretch Armstrong and stuffs it in his pocket. TRIP But I'm in a hurry so I'll just take this instead. Now scram. The kids run away. INT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT The store is crawling with KISS FANS, some reading the comic books, others playing pinball against a far wall, still others looking at the poster section. Trip enters on a mission. He looks around catching the eye of a pretty CASHIER. She's a rocker, wearing a Who tee-shirt, a mood ring, and just a little too much make-up. She smiles at him. Trip returns the smile with a feeble wave. Her mood ring turns from blue to pink. Concentrating on the layout of the store, Trip peers all the way to the back to a darkened corner... where he spies a LITTLE KID wearing a KISS tee-shirt playing a KISS pinball machine. Trip smiles. The eagle has spotted a fuzzy, little bunny. He moves in for the kill, walking past a crowd of kids at the magazine rack, past the Hostess aisle, past the dairy cooler and into the darkened corner. He stands behind the little kid, relishing this moment. The kid is actually pretty good. We also see now the little kid has his face painted like Ace Frehley. TRIP Hey, little kid. Suddenly distracted, the kid loses the ball. LITTLE KID Shit! You just skunked my last ball, you... Trip clamps a hand over the little kid's mouth. TRIP Okay, booger, your KISS ticket or your life. The little kid says something but Trip's hand muffles his words. TRIP Hunh? The kid says what he said before, but it is utterly incomprehensible, once again thanks to Trip's hand. TRIP (looking at his hand) Oh. Okay... But scream and you'll never live to see puberty. I'll pop your fuckin' face in. Trip pulls his hand away. LITTLE KID Please sir, don't beat me up. I do have a KISS ticket, but not on me. TRIP A likely story. Hand it over, kid. LITTLE KID (bottom lip quivering) No really. My brother's hanging onto it for safe keeping. Please, let me get him for you. The kid turns and yells into the store before Trip can stop him. LITTLE KID Hey, Chongo! A titanic guy at the comic book rack looks up from his issue of "Thing" when he hears his name. CHONGO has a very low forehead and the expression of an angry bull plastered onto his face. TRIP (getting scared) Hey, kid, that's okay. I don't wanna see KISS that ba... LITTLE KID Don't try to run, maggot. Chongo's an all-state track star in every event. TRIP What do you want? LITTLE KID (gleefully) A tag on your toe. Nobody threatens me and lives. TRIP Look, you can have my wallet... LITTLE KID It's not nearly enough, punk. Chongo is getting ever-closer with his tree trunk legs, his barrel chest and hydraulic biceps. He is joined by TWO BUDS. LITTLE KID Besides, I was gonna take your wallet anyway. After Chongo and his friends crush your ribcage like a pack of Luckys. Chongo arrives eyeing Trip with distaste. Trip goes white. CHONGO This fairy givin' you shit, bro? LITTLE KID He was gonna mug me for my KISS ticket. TRIP Me? Mug? That's nuts. I said, do you know where I can take a piss. Chongo and his two buds laugh. Then, without a second of warning, Chongo belts Trip in the gut. Trip doubles over and falls breathlessly to his knees. CHONGO Okay, pimple dick, you've got the option of walking outside with us or gettin' dragged out. Either way you're comin' with us. Trip catches his breath. TRIP Please, sir, don't kick my ass! I'll do anything to get out of a beating! LITTLE KID Say, Chongo, perhaps we could use some extra cash for tasty snacks at the KISS concert our weasly friend won't be attending. Chongo scratches his head. CHONGO How much cash do you figure? LITTLE KID Take five for a minute, Chongo. Let me do the math. The little kid taps his finger on his chin and the theme from "JEOPARDY" begins. While the kid thinks, Trip looks nervously up at Chongo and his buds. Chongo reaches into his denim vest pocket and we hear a CRINKLING NOISE. He comes back up with two walnuts, putting them between his bicep and forearm. Trip watches in horror as Chongo makes a muscle and the walnuts are shelled between two walls of iron-hard flesh. CREEEAAAACK! Chongo eats the walnuts, shells and all. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT The full-to-capacity parking lot is patrolled by a couple of SECURITY GUARDS. Lex cautiously makes his way to the edge of the parking lot and looks at the back side of Cobo Hall just beyond the chain link fence that surrounds the lot. He crouches down and walks between two cars parked against the fence, looking both ways. Seeing a guard's flashlight beam, he sits stock still until the beam sweeps past, then SIGHS eased. LEX (whispering to self) I can't believe I'm actually entertaining the notion of sneaking in. I oughta have my cranium examined. Lex finds a vertical break in the chain link. He lays on his back, slides through, then stands on the other side of the fence. He's at the edge of a weedy, littery field that also happens to be poorly lit. LEX Whoa. Danger Will Robinson. Spooked, he lays down again intending to slide back through when a flashlight beam hits his eyes. SECURITY GUARD'S VOICE Hey you! Get back in here! Lex sees the guard standing about fifty feet away on the other side of the fence. Panicking, he bolts deeper into the field. SECURITY GUARD'S VOICE You're not getting far, kid! Lex double-times it as we hear the guard yelling into his walkie-talkie. SECURITY GUARD'S VOICE We got one just ran into the field from the north lot! The field gets darker as Lex closes in on Cobo Hall's well- lit loading dock, where ROADIES empty the remaining bits of KISS's monstrous set from an 18-wheeler. Other huge trucks are parked nearby. There's a bustle of last minute activity. EXT. LOADING DOCK - NIGHT Lex scurries from giant speaker box to a stack of lights to huge trunks, keeping well hidden. He dodges roadies and avoids being seen by OTHER GUARDS. He slithers along side the 18-wheeler and nears the loading bay. Up ahead some auxiliary speakers, drum kits, and scaffolding wait their turn to be carried into the building. SECURITY GUARD'S VOICE There he is! Lex spins. The security guard, flanked by two others, barrel right for him. LEX Shit! He dives rolls under the 18-wheeler. The three security guards leap for the pavement and crawl under the semi after him. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SEMI The three guards scramble to their feet and grab a SCRAWNY BODY. They spin him around roughly. SECURITY GUARD Alright, wiseguy, you are so outta here! They suddenly realize they've got the wrong man. It's a roadie. ROADIE Hey, what the fuck? The roadie holds up his all-access laminate angrily. ROADIE Keep your paws to yourself, ya dumb fuckin' apes. The security guards look around frantically for Lex as other roadies join in to defend their comrade. SECURITY GUARD Where'd he go? You see him? No one pays attention as a bass drum is carried past the guards and up the loading dock ramp. They don't notice Lex crammed inside contorted into a shape befitting a yoga master. Praying he won't be spotted, Lex holds his breath as he's carried into the building and disappears. JAM IN A JAM / KISS THIS INT. ST. SEBASTIAN'S CATHEDRAL - NIGHT Jam sits in the front pew, head buried in his hands as Mrs. Bruce and the priest talk on the alter. Beth moves quietly in the back, unseen and unheard. She looks overwhelmed by the architecture, the detail on the stained glass windows, the icons carved into the columns that support the extravagantly decorated ceiling. The priest catches a glimpse of Beth meandering in the back. PRIEST Uh, next mass isn't until tomorrow morning, young lady. Run along now. Beth smiles nervously and heads back toward the front door passing a confessional booth. She throws a glance back at the priest and Mrs. Bruce who have returned to conferring, their backs to her. She stealthily ducks into the booth. MRS. BRUCE Now it's been a while since my boy had holy confession. Could you...? PRIEST (smiling) Consider it done. Mrs. Bruce looks down at Jam and sees his drumsticks poking out of his socks. She immediately takes them out and stuffs them into her jacket. Jam doesn't even move. MRS. BRUCE It's about time you gave up on that stupid dream once and for all. No son of mine is going to be a career musician. Jam is stung. Mrs. Bruce and the priest head back down the center aisle exiting through the gigantic front doors. She eyes Jam. MRS. BRUCE Thank you, Father. I'll be back for him before you know it; after I take care of some unfinished business. PRIEST Just knock loudly, sister. He lets her out and locks the door, leaving the keys in the lock, and walks over to Jam. PRIEST Come along, son. Get into the booth. He helps the despondent Jam up. They walk to the booth and Jam reluctantly gets inside. INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - NIGHT Jam kneels on the board and a mere two feet behind him, Beth sits on a bench shrouded in darkness. Her posture is that of someone with a crate of nitroglycerine on her lap. We hear the SHUFFLING noise of the priest getting into his own compartment next door. A moment later the small, eye- level door SLIDES open. The priest's face is barely visible on the other side of the thick screen, but he's there. JAM Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession in... well... a really long time. PRIEST Prepare to receive the Act of Penance. How many sins have you committed since your last confession? JAM Just one, Father, but boy was it a doozy. Beth leans forward slightly and listens to Jam's confession. INT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP JOINT - NIGHT Hawk's at a bar stool gulping sloppily and woozily from a rocks glass. Four more empty rocks glasses sit in front of him. He stares at the sexy woman who smiles back, blowing him kisses from the other side of the bar. The EMCEE enters the stage. EMCEE (into microphone) Okay, ladies, hang onto your hormones. Here comes our next amateur. Let's have a big hand for Hawk! The beginning of a rockin' KISS tune comes over the P.A. and Dicky approaches Hawk. EMCEE You're up, Hawk. Hawk wakes up fast. There's nothing more sobering than having to undress in public. HAWK Oh, Dicky, I c-c-can't... BARTENDER You're not gonna chicken out on me now, are you? We've got your KISS song playing and everything. HAWK I-I c-can't... BARTENDER (leans in close) Look, people undress in public because, A, they're exhibitionists, B, they're nutcases, or C, they need the money. I can tell you're not A, and I hope to hell you're not B. So my suggestion is, think about why you're a C and let your body party, shake your groove thing, boogie oogie oogie till you just can't boogie no more. Hawk thinks about it, then downs the rest of his drink. He grimaces at it's taste, then opens his eyes with new resolve. HAWK You're right, Dicky. I gotta do it for KISS. Gotta put a bag over its head and (hiccup) Do it for KISS. Hawk swivels his bar stool to the right and gets off, forgetting to stand when his feet hit the floor. He proceeds to fall flat on his face. Dicky looks down concerned, but Hawk stands with a little difficulty and heads for the stage. The crowd of women parts down the middle for him and checks him out as he walks by. They seem to like what they see. Hawk looks nervously at the carnivorous faces leering at his package first, his ass after. What the hell is he doing? Hawk reluctantly climbs onto the stage and the gals start CLAPPING to the song. He faces them and starts gyrating his drunken hips at them, feeling no confidence whatsoever, until... The CHEERS start to ECHO and the pulsing lights begin to hurt his eyes. Hawk watches the world proceed to spin faster than the disco ball above his head. He stops gyrating and clutches his stomach. BELCHING. Uh-oh. Hawk spots an almost-empty beer pitcher one of the CHEERING- IN-SLOW-MOTION women holds above her head. He runs up to the edge of the stage, grabs the pitcher, and PUKES. The cheering and music come to a grinding halt. You can hear a pin drop as Hawk yacks his guts out into the beer pitcher. It goes on for an excruciatingly long time, then finally stops. Hawk looks up at the hundreds of astonished eyes staring at him. He wipes his mouth, then a look of ease washes over his face. HAWK Wow. I feel a hundred times better! He hands the vomit-filled pitcher back to the shocked woman. HAWK Thanks lady. He looks over at the emcee, who gazes at Hawk from the DJ booth. HAWK Maestro? As you were. The emcee stands perfectly still, jaw agape. HAWK Come on, dude, we got a bunch of frisky felines waiting for some entertainment! The show must go on! Hawk starts gyrating even though the music is still off. The emcee shrugs, re-cuing the song. It starts again as Hawk faces the crowd, dancing with new-found bravado. The women come out of their dumbstruck comas and reluctantly start CLAPPING again. Hawk pulls off his jacket and twirls it over his head Roger Daltry style. Then he pulls it back down and tosses it into the crowd. The women actually fight over it. Encouraged, Hawk then peels off his KISS Army tee-shirt and hurls it at the women, who SQUEAL with delight. Sure, he may be scrawny, but they don't mind. This lad's got personality. Adrenaline pumping, confidence building, Hawk starts playing the crowd of very responsive ladies. He unbuttons his jeans first. Then, leaving them on, he does an "air guitar" medley: Chuck Berry, ZZ Top, Angus Young from AC/DC, and Elvis Costello in six easy steps. Hawk finishes off with a Pete Townshend windmill, shaking his ass at his audience in mid-strum, then licks his finger and touches one of his cheeks: "hot stuff" (he does this in a manly way of course). Then Hawk pauses to adjust what looks to be his underwear bunching up in his crack. The women WHOO-HOO. He segues into a Mick Jagger rooster strut and the ladies go ga-ga. He makes the sign of the horns with each hand and wiggles a protruding tongue like Gene Simmons. The gals scream in orgastic joy. Then, Hawk goes for the gold. Yes, he does the Fonzie dance! The women are now overcome by sheer animal lust. Hawk's whipped his audience into a frenzied pack of bitches in heat. Amanda smirks and sucks from her little drink straw suggestively. At long last Hawk figures he has to give them what they want. He puts his fingers to his fly, pauses, then unzips. His Brittanias fall to his ankles, revealing a pair of bony legs sticking down from some KISS boxer shorts. The ladies go batty. Unfortunately Hawk has neglected a cardinal rule of disrobing. Never pull your pants down without taking your shoes off first. He tries to kick off his shoes. The left one goes flying across the bar and THWACK, beans a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN in the face. She flies backwards over a chair. Trying to kick the other shoe off, Hawk loses his balance and falls backwards, hitting his head on the edge of the bar. DRUM ROLL / NEGOTIATION INT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT Trip looks at the little kid, Chongo, and the two buds in fear. TRIP Two hundred bucks? LITTLE KID You heard me, nad breath. My time's precious and I think that's a reasonable price to pay for your sorry life. TRIP Look, I want to live, but I don't know where the fuck I'm gonna find two hundred bucks. The little kid shakes his head in disgust. LITTLE KID Chongo? Take him outside and tear his ass out through his mouth. Chongo advances, muscles flexing. TRIP Hold on! I know how I can get the money! I just figured it out! Only you might wanna wait outside. The little kid and Chongo look at each other. CHONGO I don't trust him. LITTLE KID I think he's on the level. He's too stupid to try anything sneaky anyway. Look at him, he's a moron. They look back at Trip. LITTLE KID You got fifteen minutes and not a second longer. We have a concert to go to. See you outside. Trip nods sullenly as the kid, Chongo, and the two buds exit. Then he checks to make sure Stretch Armstrong is still with him. INT. BASS DRUM - NIGHT Lex is twisted like a pretzel as he's carted into the bowels of Cobo Hall. He tries to keep calm, but it's not in his nature. LEX (under his breath) Keep it together, Lex. Anything worth fighting for is worth dying for. INT. COBO HALL/RECEIVING AREA - NIGHT ROADIES and TECHIES run in all directions as last minute preparations are being attended to. Two roadies carry the base drum down a long ramp unaware that Lex is hidden inside. ROADIE #2 Boy, this one's heavy. Suddenly, Roadie #2 snags his foot on a mess of cable and loses his balance, dropping the oversized drum. In an instant the drum goes rolling down the ramp quickly gaining speed. ROADIE #2 Shit! The roadies bolt after the runaway drum. Other workers scurry out of the way to avoid being hit by the speeding instrument. INT. BASS DRUM - NIGHT Lex spins like in a dryer on speed. LEX WHOOOOAAA! INT. COBO HALL/RECEIVING AREA - NIGHT More techies jump out of the way as the wayward drum heads right for a closed set of double doors. The roadies are just about to grab it before impact, when... The door unexpectedly swings open. The FOXY GROUPIES on the other side scream at the sight of the careening drum heading straight for them. ROADIE #2 Close that door! Too late. The groupies jump away as the drum flies through the open door and down a flight of stairs. INT. COBO HALL STAIRWELL - NIGHT The drum bounces down the zigzag stairway violently. Lex's GRUNTS of pain can be heard from inside. AT THE BOTTOM The big drum hits the landing hard, tips over, then spins like a quarter getting faster before it stops. ON THE ROADIES They barrel down the stairs two at a time. Finally reaching the bottom, they grab the drum. ROADIE #2 Peter's gonna kill us. As they carry the drum back up the stairs, we see it is now empty. Once the roadies are gone, CAMERA TILTS UP to the ceiling. There's Lex clutching exposed pipes for dear life, hanging upside down, praying the coast is clear. BETH'S CONFESSION / COMPENSATORY POSSIBILITIES INT. CONFESSIONAL - NIGHT Jam is at the end of his confession. The priest is still listening on the other side of the screen. Beth sits in the shadows behind Jam. JAM So, you see if it wasn't for me, me and my friends would be at that KISS concert right now... together. PRIEST That's it? JAM Yeah. PRIEST Well, this is a unique confession to say the least, son. And not exactly the most interesting one I've ever heard either. You sure you don't want to talk about... oh, carnal knowledge with a neighborhood girl or impure thoughts about the new student teacher maybe... or how about finding a box of magazines under your dad's bed? JAM No. PRIEST Well then, I suggest you have a seat on the bench behind you and think of something a little juicier to confess than losing KISS tickets. I realize this is Detroit, but I personally find, what that rock and roll band is all about, to be boring as Lucifer's kingdom. I'll return in a little while. The priest SLIDES the door shut again. Jam is all but shrouded in darkness, but can make out the time on his watch. It's getting late. He resignedly sits on the bench behind him... right on Beth's lap. Jam yells, but Beth throws her hand over his mouth. His eyes bulge. He can't believe what he's seeing. He climbs off Beth and sits next to her. JAM (whispering) Beth? I can't believe it. BETH Believe it. Jam thinks for a beat. Something still isn't quite clicking. JAM Are you waiting for confession? I thought you were Jewish? BETH can hardly speak. She gulps thinking of what to say. BETH I have a confession. Here it is. Beth gives him the biggest, wettest, sloppiest kiss in recorded history. She pulls away finally wiping her mouth. BETH I didn't mean for that to be so... intense. Forgive me. JAM I don't care. I wanna hear more. She lunges at him again, kissing him for dear life. Her lips leave his and begin to explore his chin, neck, ear. BETH I've loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you, Jeremiah. I've just always been too scared to show it. JAM Beth, I can't believe you just said that because that's exactly how I've always felt about you... Call me Jam. It's my band name. BETH You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that... Jam! He kisses her neck. Unable to stop, they start undressing each other, both breathing heavy. BETH We've got to take this slow... JAM Right, slow... BETH Oh, screw it! She tears his tee-shirt open with her teeth. INT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP JOINT - NIGHT A really buff STRIPPER dressed as a construction worker is on stage with about ten others who stand in the background. The emcee's hand hovers above the stripper's head. EMCEE Okay, ladies, it's down to... Troy the Human Jackhammer... The women APPLAUD as we... FOLLOW the emcee's hand to Hawk who holds an ice pack on the side of his head. EMCEE ...and Mr. Massive Head Wound Accompanied by an Upset Stomach-Hawk! The women APPLAUD but not quite as loud. EMCEE No contest. The grand prize of seventy- five dollars goes to Troy the Human Jackhammer! The women cheer and a DISCO SONG starts as Troy does a reprise of his act. Hawk walks away from the stage with the rest of the rejected strippers, looking the way he feels: pretty damn stupid. He puts on his pants, trying to walk at the same time and falls to his knees. A helpful hand grabs him under the arm and helps him up. It's Amanda looking lustier than ever. HAWK Thanks, miss. AMANDA You're too kind. I'm Amanda. HAWK Right, well, thanks for the drinks and stuff, Amanda, but there's no reason for me to stick around these parts anymore. AMANDA Don't be so glum, Hawk. The night's still young and filled with plenty of compensatory possibilities. HAWK Huh? AMANDA I'd be in a position to spend some money on you if you'd get in a position and spend some time on me. Hawk GULPS. INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - NIGHT Jam and Beth lay buck naked, tightly wrapped around each other in the heat of passion on the confessional booth floor. They kiss, sweat, and PANT heavily. Suddenly, the sliding door to the priest's booth opens. Jam and Beth freeze. PRIEST'S VOICE Where are you, son? JAM Uhh, tying my shoe. PRIEST'S VOICE Oh. So, have you thought of a colorful confession yet? JAM Actually, yes. Last year I walked out of a candy store with a Reggie Bar I hadn't paid for, but went back and apologized the next day. PRIEST'S VOICE Boooring. Think, boy, think! We hear the door SLIDE shut again as Beth and Jam pick up where they left off. HOLD UP INT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT Trip leafs through a KISS comic, not really paying attention to it. Directly behind him is the register and the CASHIER. He starts hearing voices in his head. We see SUPERS of his friends' faces hovering around him. LEX'S VOICE I can't believe you're even thinking of committing a robbery, Trip. You don't pass go and collect 200 dollars for pulling stuff like this. HAWK'S VOICE No shit, dude, is this really worth it? Sure you get your ass kicked nine ways to Sunday by that fucking gorilla, but it's still a hundred times better than getting it porked for the next three to five. Trip sends brief, agitated glances around the store meeting the cashier's eyes again. She smiles at him coyly as she plays with her mood ring. He gives her the eye, then returns to his comic. JAM'S VOICE And what about that girl, Trip? She'll never forget this night. Even if you get away with it, she'll be scarred for life. When are you gonna realize sometimes being tough means being tender. TRIP (to the other voices) Alright, everybody, SHUT UP! Trip snaps out of it. All the shoppers and cashier are starring at him. He COUGHS loudly, clearing his throat to cover his outburst. The shoppers go back to shopping. A MAN WITH A LONG COAT enters the store, looks around, then takes a spot alongside Trip and opens a Mad Magazine. TRIP (whispering to himself) Okay, bro. You gonna have to do this sometime. Might as well be now. Trip puts a hand in his pocket and takes one last look at Stretch Armstrong before stuffing the action figure back in so it looks like he's got a gun. He takes three deep breaths and discreetly pulls his knit cap down over his eyes, revealing it actually as a semi-ski mask that covers the top half of his face. Just then, the man with the coat puts the magazine back and pulls something over his own head. Trip whirls around pointing Stretch-in-his-pocket at the cashier... Just as the man in the coat, now masked with a stocking, pulls the biggest shotgun ever made from under his coat, pointing it at the cashier as well. The cashier shrieks. So does Trip. MAN WITH COAT Evening, honey. Y'know what I am, what this is, and what you have to do, so do it quick. (to shoppers, Trip included) The rest of you kindly introduce yourselves to the floor and kiss it hello. His thunder now stolen, Trip drops to the floor along with everyone else. The air is very tense. The cashier starts SOBBING, keeping her hands in the air. MAN WITH COAT (to cashier) Do or die, bitch! Next time I let the barrels do the talking. CASHIER P-p-please, mister, I'm just a high school kid... Man with the coat COCKS the chamber and the cashier immediately opens the register drawer and starts emptying it. MAN WITH COAT Fuck school, that's what I say! I just went through the motions till I was old enough to drop out and I'm leaving here with at least two fifty the easy way. Look where all that studying's gonna get you tonight. Robbed at gunpoint and possibly shot in the fucking head... for minimum wage! The man with the coat's laughter ECHOES in Trip's head till he just can't take it anymore. ON THE CASHIER She suddenly shoots a surprise glance over the man with the coat's shoulder. Seeing this, the man spins around. There's Trip behind him. TRIP Alright, drop it or I'll kick your ass! Astounded by Trip's audacity, the man with the coat turns his shotgun point-blank at Trip. MAN WITH COAT Oh, yeah! You and what army? TRIP (gulps) The KISS Army! CRASHING BACKSTAGE INT. COBO HALL/BACKSTAGE - NIGHT Your wildest fantasy of a rock show's backstage area come true. The place is packed with "beautiful" people. Scantily- clad BABES everywhere. Slick, RECORD BIZ-TYPES. Lots of food. Lots of booze. Lots of fun. It's backstage at a KISS concert, come on! CAMERA TILTS UP above the partying hordes to find Lex shimming along an exposed duct amid the pipes, sprinklers, and vents. Looking straight down on everybody, Lex is in awe and disbelief. LEX This is real. This is not a dream! This is real! I've pierced the inner circle! He takes the opportunity to peer down some BIG BUSTED GIRL'S cleavage. Then his eye spots something else. He GASPS. A door. On it a star. Written on the star, the word, KISS. LEX Oh, God, they're in there! A big-haired HIPSTER in mirrored sunglasses KNOCKS on the dressing room door. It opens, but Lex can't see inside. The hipster stands in the doorway talking to whoever is there. Lex cranes his neck to see around the door jamb. Desperate for a glimpse of his idols, he leans out too far. Suddenly, the entire duct collapses. Breaking loose of the ceiling, Lex hurls to the floor clutching the duct. Backstage goers leap for cover as SMASH... he hits the ground in a shower of plaster and dust. The hipster protectively pulls the dressing room door shut as two SECURITY MEN jump in front of it. Instantly, huge, burly hands come down on Lex's shoulders. Before he can react, a slew of OFFICERS have him off his feet and carry him away, a stunned expression frozen to his face. EXT. ALLEY BEHIND COBO HALL - NIGHT Lex is thrown into a heaping garbage dumpster by the scruff of his neck. The security officers laugh and pat themselves on the back as they hurry back in. Lex peeks out the lid. The alley is dark and spooky. He jumps out of the trash and comes face to face with the biggest GERMAN SHEPHERD that has ever lived. Its teeth are bared and its black, wolf-like body is coiled, ready to spring. GRRRRRRR! Lex jumps backward hitting the dumpster. A GROWLING PITBULL walks out from the shadows and joins the Shepherd. LEX (petrified) Dogs! Why did it have to be dogs! Then, a GROWLING DOBERMAN with a spiked collar emerges from the darkness on the other side of the alley, its solid, muscular form making the brick building nearby look like jello. Lex starts SLAPPING himself on the face. LEX Wake up, Lex! Wake up, man! This part's gotta be a nightmare! No luck. He stops, when several other DOGS emerge from the shadows and gather behind the first three. These new mutts immediately join in the GROWLING chorale. The Shepherd snaps at Lex. LEX (to the heavens) God, if you ever get me outta this, I swear I will never masturbate again! The pack BARKS even louder. LEX (to heaven again) I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME! INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - NIGHT Beth lays in Jam's arms on the floor. They might as well be the only two people on the face of the earth. They whisper. BETH So. Is it true that Gene Simmons had a cow's tongue grafted onto his real one? Y'know, to make it so long? JAM I dunno. I think he had the piece of skin under his tongue removed so he could stick it out farther. I'm not too up on Gene trivia. BETH Your man is the drummer, Peter Criss, right? JAM Peter Criss is my inspiration, man. If I paid a hundred bucks for a KISS show and all I saw was his solo, I'd consider it... money... Hey, how'd you know that? BETH I have all your notebook doodles memorized, Jam... Here. She opens her backpack and pulls out a package addressed to Jam. The return address reads: Beth Bumsteen, Somewhere in Ann Arbor. JAM Ann Arbor? BETH My dad's company is relocating him. We're moving. That's why I was acting so freaky in school today. I thought it was the last time I'd ever see you. Anyway, open the box. I would have given it to you this morning, except... like I said, I was freaking out. Jam opens the box and his jaw drops. It's a black tee-shirt with the "Mystery" logo printed in white on the chest. Jam holds it up. It's gigantic. BETH I pass by this really cool tee-shirt shop on my way to school every day and I know you wear those black tee- shirts all the time. You look like a size thirty-five, but all the sizes were in Roman numerals. So I got you an XXXL. That's thirty-five, isn't it? Touched, Jam kisses her for a long time. He starts putting on the shirt when suddenly they hear the SHUFFLING of the priest entering his booth. Jam grabs his clothes and sits back on the bench. Beth starts getting dressed at his feet. PRIEST Okay, you better have something really sinful for me this time, son. My patience is worn to threads and your mom will be here any minute. JAM (pulling up his pants) Alright, Father, here it is. About two weeks ago I went to my cousin's wedding and one of the bridesmaids asked me if I wanted to take a bath. PRIEST No... Beth is tying her shoes. Jam slips on his socks. JAM I was insulted, so I asked her if I was wreaking some wicked b.o., right? Then she said no, she wanted to take a bath with me. PRIEST Oh, this is terrible... Please go on. JAM Well, she was a very tempting siren, Father. Built like you wouldn't believe. So I gave into temptation about a block away from the wedding reception at this little motel that charges by the hour. Jam pauses. PRIEST Well? Continue! Continue! JAM Okay... when she peeled off that gown, you'll never guess what she was wearing underneath. PRIEST Was it a teddy? Fully dressed, Beth crawls out of the confessional. JAM No. Much bet... I mean, much more sinful than that. PRIEST A bustier? JAM Tell you what. You keep guessing and I'll say something when you get it. PRIEST Splendid! I love a good game of Name That Nightie. Jam quietly sneaks out. INT. ST. SEBASTIAN'S CATHEDRAL - NIGHT We can hear the priest's voice as Jam hurries to Beth. They dash out the door. PRIEST'S VOICE Satin underwear? Crotchless panties? Leopard skin bra? Fishnet leotard? Leather G-string? EXT. ALLEY BEHIND COBO HALL - NIGHT Still trapped by the GROWLING, BARKING pack of dogs, Lex searches nervously through the garbage behind him. LEX Okay, okay, you're pissed off. I can see this. So... Maybe what we need... ah-ha. Lex holds up a worn-out, old frisbee. LEX Play some frisbee, poochies? The pack just glares and SNARLS. He tosses the frisbee over the packs' heads, but the dogs don't even acknowledge it. They just keep BARKING and GROWLING. Meanwhile, an unnoticed dog at the rear of the pack, a mangy Basset Hound, turns its flat head to see the frisbee land on the ground behind him. His tail starts to wag. LEX (exasperated) Alright! I give up! I hearby and forthwith defer my destiny to you mutts. I may be an intelligent, upright, walking, homo-fucking sapien, but you fleabags are a force of nature. So, I'm just gonna sit here and wait for you to decide. If you let me live, I thank you. If you bite my head off, I'll die knowing I did all I could. It's up to you. Lex waits before the GROWLING, SNAPPING canines. Suddenly, the Basset Hound runs up in front of the pack and drops the frisbee at Lex's feet. Lex looks down at the floppy, wrinkly dog, who wags its tail and PANTS furiously. LEX Well, how do you like that? Lex starts to pet the hound, and one-by-one the rest of the dogs shut-up. Shocked, Lex picks the frisbee up again and throws it. This time the entire pack bolts after the Whammo product. Lex smiles, watching them fight for it in the air... in SLOW MOTION... as the theme from "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" begins. The black Shepherd finally grabs the frisbee in its mouth and runs back toward Lex. It's soon joined by the rest of the pack. That's right about when Lex realizes they aren't going to stop. LEX Whoa! Whoa! The dogs plow into Lex full-force knocking him into the garbage. They surround him licking his face. Lex bursts into unstoppable laughter. Pulling himself up, he pets the dogs as they jump around him wagging their tails and PANTING. LEX (baby talk) You sonsofbitches could tickle a guy to death, y'know that? Sure you do... Sure you do... Lex stops. He hears TALKING coming from inside the windowless, brick building on the other side of the alley. He steps in front of the pack and puts his fingers to his lips. They obey, quieting instantly. He then tiptoes to a thin crack in the brick wall. The dogs quietly follow. Lex puts his eye to the crack and peers in. INT. CHOP SHOP - NIGHT LEX'S POV His mom's Volvo and a BMW are on adjacent hydraulic lifts inside a makeshift auto-mechanic shop. Two BEEFY JERKS with blow torches stand next to the cars. One has a bandage on his head and seems to be in pain. BEEFY JERK #1 So, I jump into the car, hot-wire it in thirty seconds and start driving. Then, suddenly I hear this scream. The disco queen was asleep in the back seat. Beefy jerk #2 laughs. BEEFY JERK #1 You think it's funny? How would you like to have a stiletto heel smacking you in the temple when you're tryin' to work? Beefy jerk #2 laughs more. Beefy jerk #1 checks the time. BEEFY JERK #1 You about done splittin' a gut there? We gotta get these parts to Toledo by nine. Then a familiar voice is heard coming from the back of the shop. CHRISTINE Then maybe you guys'll let me go, huh? Lex follows the voice and sees Christine handcuffed to a radiator near the rear of the shop. CHRISTINE Come on, whadaya say? You scratch my back, I scratch yours. You let me go, and in return, I keep my big mouth shut about your little operation here. Mum, know what I mean? BEEFY JERK #2 You're lucky you're still alive, wench. If you was a guy, we woulda thought nothin' of sawing your head off with a butter knife. BEEFY JERK #1 What are we gonna do with her anyway? Beefy jerk #2 bares what's left of his yellow, crusty teeth BEEFY JERK #2 I dunno, but she sure looks fun. Beefy jerk #1 touches the bandage on his head. BEEFY JERK #1 Yeah, and payback's a bitch. Christine GAGS at the thought. ANGLE ON WALL CRACK Lex's eyeball bulges with terror. EXT. IT'S RAINING MEN PARKING LOT - NIGHT DOLLY FROM the front end of a Jaguar XKE, Michigan vanity plate reading: AMANDA. TO its windshield, through which we see Hawk and Amanda kissing in the front seat, clad only in their underwear. Something like "ME AND MRS. JONES" plays on the radio. When they separate, Amanda takes out a flask and offers it to Hawk. HAWK Thanks. He gulps some down and pulls the flask away COUGHING. HAWK What the hell is that? AMANDA Gin. HAWK Whoa. Some of this hard liquor's a tad too manly for me. I'm a brewski man myself. AMANDA Better ease up then, Hawk. Wouldn't want to give you whiskey dick would we? HAWK Who's Whiskey Dick? Amanda plants a stocking foot on Hawk's crotch and rubs. AMANDA Well. Obviously no one you have to worry about... Woody. HAWK My name's not Woody, it's Haw-haw... Hawk's eyes cross as he lets out a DEEP, OBNOXIOUS GROAN. HAWK ...holy shit! Amanda looks down at his crotch. AMANDA But you do know Premature Peter, don't you? Shame, I just bought these stockings. Hawk has never been more embarrassed. HAWK Well, Amanda, this has been quite a night. So far you've seen me and my dick throw up. (to the heavens) What's next? Projectile diarrhea? (beat, to Amanda) Man. What a stud, huh? AMANDA Believe it or not, you still have a way to go before you start competing with my soon-to-be-ex-husband... the champion of lousy lovemaking. The man who thinks he's the biggest and the best... The man who thinks every secretary, stewardess, and cocktail waitress he fucks should lick his feet for the honor. The man for whom faking it was invented. Christ, if I hadn't gotten pregnant with our son, I would have never known I even had sex with the prick. She takes a healthy swig of gin, relishing its bitterness. HAWK You love him? AMANDA I just told you, he's a big, hairy... HAWK No, I mean... you love your son? AMANDA More than anything in the world. HAWK And he loves you back, doesn't he? AMANDA He's a little spoiled, but I know he does. HAWK Well, shame on him if he doesn't. She pats his shoulder. AMANDA You're sweet. Hawk stares out the windshield. HAWK My mom died of a heart attack while she was having me. Man, I wish I had known her for even one day. If they ever invent a time machine, that's what I'm doing. Going back in time to meet my mom. I'm gonna say, "Mrs. Pitchford?... or Miss Williams, depending on when I show up. You don't know me, but I'm your kid from the future. Just wanted to thank you for the blue eyes, pug nose and for tying the knot with a guy who didn't mind diaper detail... Oh, and, uh... cut down on the red meat, will ya?" Amanda caresses Hawk's cheek. He turns with her hand and kisses it. He takes her arm and begins kissing his way up to her neck, her cheek, her mouth... DR. LOVE TO THE RESCUE INT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT It's a stand-off. Prone customers look up at Trip and the man with the long coat circling each other like sharks. The helpless cashier lets out fearful sobs. MAN WITH COAT Gimme your gun, boy! TRIP No, you gimme your gun, boy! MAN WITH COAT Don't tempt me, I'll shoot! TRIP Not if I shoot first! MAN WITH COAT I don't even think you have a gun! TRIP Neither do I! The man with the coat puts his shotgun against Trip's head. MAN WITH COAT Now, for the last time, take the piece out and lay back down or your mom's gonna need the White Tornado to get the brains outta your ski cap. Trip GULPS. The jig's up. He slowly pulls out Stretch Armstrong, and the man with the coat glances down and starts to laugh very loud. So loud, he throws his head back. When he recovers, Trip's got Stretch aimed at his head and pulled back to maximum tension. TRIP Smile, you sonofa... Trip lets go. WZZMACK! The man gets it right in the face and falls backward onto the Hostess display, toppling a whole bunch of Ho-Ho's, Ding-Dong's, Twinkies, and Suzy-O's to the ground. Trip runs up and grabs the shotgun away as the man with the coat lifts his head briefly, then passes out. Trip turns around and the cashier SLAMS into him, nearly knocking him over. She throws her arms around him letting out relieved SOBS. Behind her all the customers rise from the floor CLAPPING. Trip did it. He saved the fucking store! The cashier looks into Trip's masked eyes. CASHIER Thank you! Thank you!... Who are you? TRIP (with confidence) Call me... Dr. Love! She plants a thousand mega-watt kiss on his lips and we ZOOM IN on her mood ring changing color from gray to fire engine red. Trip's eyes widen just before... KABOOM... The shotgun he's holding goes off, blowing a hole in the ceiling. The recoil from the blast jolts Trip and the cashier apart. We now see Trip's face is smeared with bright, red lipstick. A huge chunk of ceiling falls onto his head but he doesn't move. The kiss hit him harder. I'M HERE FOR THE GIRL AND THE CAR INT. CHOP SHOP - NIGHT BZZZZZ! Christine and the beefy jerks watch the brown, '78 Volvo, Ohio plates: OB-GYN, ascend on a hydraulic lift. Behind them sits the BMW skeleton. These boys work fast. CHRISTINE You guys better kill me before you do what you're thinking of doing. Cause when I'm mad enough, I can bite down very hard. The beefy jerks laughs. BEEFY JERK #1 Sweet Polly Purebred's got some spunk, huh? BEEFY JERK #2 I'll give her some spunk alright. They put their blow torches down and turn to her. BEEFY JERK #1 We stripped that Beemer in fifteen minutes. Bet we can strip her in fifteen seconds. They giggle maniacally and lumber toward Christine. Their shadows growing larger and larger across her. CHRISTINE (mile a minute) Now wait a minute, guys! Two against one ain't fair. Lemme go back and get my friend Barbara. You'd love her. Tits the size of your head. You'll feel like a little baby sucking on 'em. I swear, I'll bring her right back. It'll be a four-way... You guys like disco? I teach disco dancing at my church. You guys look like you got rhythm in your blood. Come on, free lessons if you let me go. BEEFY JERK #1 I know a dance we can do. The horizontal hustle. They both laugh. Just as they're about to grab her... Suddenly, the garage door behind them SLIDES UP revealing darkness. Christine and the beefy jerks look out anxiously. BEEFY JERK #1 Who's there? Silence except for CRICKETS. Then... from out of the darkness emerges a figure... Lex. Christine's eyes brighten like a bulb. LEX I'm here for the girl and the car. You can try to stop me, but I must warn you, it may be hazardous to your health. The beefy jerks laugh at this little punk. They start toward him, one with a tire iron, the other a big monkey wrench. BEEFY JERK #1 Too bad. He was such a young idiot. BEEFY JERK #2 Ehhh. He was a stupid boy. He deserved to die. Lex lets out a quick HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE. The pack of BARKING dogs led by the Shepherd, the Pit Bull, the Doberman, and the Basset Hound, step from the darkness and flank Lex, GROWLING and SNARLING at the beefy jerks. LEX Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make... Hounds of hell? Say hello to dinner! The beefy jerks drop their tools on their feet and yelp in pain. The pack takes this as a threat and charge the beefy jerks, who bolt for a glass-partitioned office. The dogs SCRATCH and BARK at the window ferociously. Lex smiles at Christine. She smiles back. He presses the "down" button on the lift and the Volvo descends. Lex yells to the beefy jerks through the glass. LEX One foot out of that office and your asses are Alpo! Lex unlocks Christine. She leaps into his arms. CHRISTINE Wow! Thank you! You're cooler than the Fonz. She gives him a lingering kiss. Lex leans back, gives the double thumbs-up, and says... LEX Aaaayyyyy! Lex takes her hand and they walk over to the Volvo. Lex lets her in then rounds the car to the driver's side. BEEFY JERK #1 Hey, what about the dogs? LEX You got a phone in there? They nod. Lex drips a dry smile onto them. LEX Call the cops. The beefy jerks watch in disbelief as the Volvo SCREECHES out of the chop shop. 2 GODDBYES, A PUNCH IN THE GUT AND A DRUMSTICK EXT. WHITE CASTLE PARKING LOT - NIGHT Beth's parents wait in the running car as Jam and Beth share a heartfelt good-bye outside the back door. BETH Ann Arbor isn't... that far from Cleveland, right? JAM Nah. Once I get my own wheels, I could come up all the time. BETH That'd be great. Hey, maybe someday your band'll play there. It's a college town, you know? Jam takes her hands. JAM I feel like such an idiot. Why didn't I just say something a year and a half ago? Man, think of how much time we wasted. BETH Let's not think about the past. Let's just think about from today on. I'll never forget you, Jam. JAM Tell me about it. Church will never be the same again. They stare at each other for a really long time. Then, kiss. BEEP. BEEP. Dad looks back out the window and CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY. BETH (flustered) Coming dad. (to Jam) I'll call you. Soon as we get a phone. Bye. JAM Bye. She gets in the car. They both wave as the Impala turns a corner out of sight. Jam is left alone still waving long after she's gone. INT. AMANDA'S JAG - NIGHT Amanda and Hawk are half-dressed post-coitus. She looks in her purse. HAWK Amanda, as ironic as this is gonna sound, I can't take any money for... I'm no Midnight Cowboy, y'know. It would only cheapen the whole deal for me. AMANDA I'm not paying you for the lovemaking, Hawk. I just want you to have whatever you needed the money for when you took me up on my offer. She forces the money into his palm. HAWK ...Thanks. They kiss. AMANDA You're a good man, Hawk. Thank you. EXT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT The cashier, shoppers, and a gathering CROWD watch two cops load the dazed man with the coat into a cruiser. COP #1 (to cashier) You wouldn't happen to know where we could find this... Dr. Love, would you? CASHIER It's company policy to hand over a cash reward of a hundred and fifty dollars to anyone who stops a robbery. I gave him the money and he took off. The cops shrug and get into the cruiser. COP #2 Okay, well, thanks anyway. And let us know if you happen to see him again. We'd like to ask him some questions. The cruiser takes off and the cashier stares at her mood ring. It throbs red like a beating heart. CASHIER (sighing to herself) If I see Dr. Love any time soon, you're gonna have to wait till I'm done with him first. CAMERA TRACKS BACK QUICKLY AND SWINGS JUST AROUND THE CORNER. EXT. SMILEY MART PARKING LOT - NIGHT We find Trip counting his money out to the little kid, Chongo, and their two buds. TRIP ...hundred forty, hundred fifty. That's all I got. The little kid puts the money in his pocket. LITTLE KID Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I really wanted things to work out for you, my weasly, dim- witted friend. You got spunk. (to Chongo) Chongo, give him a fifty dollar wallop. Chongo reels back and... TRIP Oh, no... Please, look. I... THWAM! Right in Trip's face. Trip flies off his feet into the Smiley Mart brick wall with a THUD. A bag of weed drops from his jacket, then some uppers, a few sheets of acid, and finally a can of beer rolls out. CHONGO Hey, the jerkoff's got drugs. LITTLE KID Consider it a bonus, Chongo. Chongo laughs like an ejaculating gorilla as he and his two buds scoop it all up. The little kid, Chongo, and the buds leave Trip lying in a puddle of his own nose blood. He pulls out Stretch Armstrong and looks at him fondly. TRIP (misty eyed) At least I still got you, Stretch. Trip looks up. The six year olds who he stole it from stand close by having watched the whole humiliating exchange. Licked, Trip tosses the doll to them. They both dash away with it, giggling. EXT. NEARBY STREET - NIGHT Christine sits in an idling taxi taking money from Lex, who stands outside the window. LEX This oughta be enough to get you to Disco Inferno, Christine. CHRISTINE Come with. It's not too late for you to catch the fever. LEX No can do. But I made a promise to get you to that disco, and we KISS maniacs are men of our word. Besides... you're pretty cool... for a stella, I mean. Christine takes his hand and writes something on his palm in lipstick. CHRISTINE Here's my number. Tell me how cool I am over the phone sometime. Okay? She gives Lex a kiss then pushes him away. CHRISTINE (to CABBIE) Disco Inferno, on the double. The taxi SCREECHES away as Lex smiles and gets back into the Volvo. INT. COBO HALL - NIGHT Jam approaches the stadium, passing the MATMOKS, walking straight up to Mrs. Bruce. Her back is to him. He taps her on the shoulder. She turns. Her jaw drops. It escaped again! And what an ugly tee-shirt. JAM I'm gonna ask you nicely first. Mom, can I have my drumsticks back? Taken aback by his confidence, Mrs. Bruce grabs his ear and tries to pull him away. He won't budge. JAM Again, can I have my drumsticks? A BUNCH OF IDIOTS walk by with big transistor radios. One of them holds a Mr. Microphone and heckles the MATMOKS. LEAD IDIOT Hey, I'm on the radio! Hi, good- lookin'. We'll be back to pick you up later! Mrs. Bruce yells at Jam through her bullhorn. MRS. BRUCE Drumsticks are the least of your worries, young man. You are in a world of... Jam yanks the Mr. Microphone from the lead idiot and screams at his mother, his voice amplified on the transistors. Everyone stares. JAM I know, mom, I've been in trouble for about twelve hours now! Hellooooo!? The other MATMOKS turn to look as Jam climbs onto a trash receptacle and shouts down at his mother, his face slowly turning purple. JAM I'm gonna be spending the next two years of my life at St. Bernard's Boarding School, remember?! I'm gonna be outta your hair till I'm a legal adult, remember?! That way, all you have to do is go to church, light a candle, pray to a little statue for me, and voila! All is forgiven and forgotten, right mom?!! Then, you can spend your days in guilt-free pursuit of more constructive activities like telling everybody else how screwed up their lives are! That way you no longer need the patience and understanding required to communicate on some normal level with your own child!!! And that way you don't even have to think about how tough it was for you when you were growing up, and it's a good thing too. Cause if you did, you'd realize what a LOUSY, GODDAMN, SHITTY- ASS, PARENT YOU ARE!!! The crowd of KISS fans APPLAUD Jam's rant. Mrs. Bruce is utterly winded from the assault. MRS. BRUCE (timidly) Jeremiah... what's gotten into you? JAM (into Mr. Microphone) I just lost my virginity in a confessional booth! Lord have mercy!! The crowd cheers. Jam jumps down and hands the Mr. Microphone back to the lead idiot. He turns to his mom. JAM For the last time, mom. Let me have my fucking drumsticks. Please. Mrs. Bruce reaches into the trash, finds the drumsticks and hands them to him. He spins them like pistols, then stuffs them into his socks and walks away. SIMPLE PLAN EXT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP CLUB - NIGHT Hawk runs to the scalper across the street who's selling a ticket to another KISS fan. HAWK Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! That better not be the last ticket! I hope you have another one for me! The scalper sees Hawk and bolts down the street disappearing around a corner. Hawk stops. He's lost him. Hawk sulks to the now-familiar intersection where all four landmarks meet. He takes one more look up the block at Cobo Hall. Nearly all the KISS fans are inside. The streets are almost deserted. HAWK Fuck me! He sees someone out of the corner of his eye across the street. It's Jam. Lex approaches the other corner. Trip comes up to the forth corner. They all stop when they see each other. Each standing on his own corner. They're all pissed. They meet in the middle of the street as last minute CONCERT GOERS hurry by. HAWK Any luck? TRIP Plenty, but it was all bad. LEX I found the Volvo. HAWK Tickets? They all shake no. HAWK Well, dudes, the only way we're gonna see KISS this tour is by some fuckin' miracle. Suddenly, a commotion up the street. A SURLY MOM yanks four 12 YEAR OLD BRATS dressed like KISS by the scruffs of their necks. She's furious, they're CRYING. SURLY MOM How dare you sneak out of the house like that! You had me worried to death! Don't you know this is Detroit! And for a degenerate band like KISS! They're sick, sick, sick and oughta be in jail with their vile antics! She throws a wad of paper to the pavement as they pass our four heroes. The dudes watch her pull the brats away. SURLY MOM Just wait until your father gets ahold of you! Jam, Hawk, Lex, and Trip turn and look at the crumpled wad at their feet. It's an envelope. An ANGELIC SPOTLIGHT FROM ABOVE highlights it. LEX No... You don't think...? HAWK Nah. Couldn't be. They all shake their heads in unison resolved that it isn't. Then, unable to control themselves, they dive for the envelope. Jam tears it open. His trembling hand reaches in. All their eyes focus like lasers on what's inside. Jam pulls out four KISS tickets. Their jaws drop. Their eyes bug. JAM It's a miracle! A miracle! The boys are practically moved to tears. It's Divine Intervention at its finest. Suddenly, a greasy hand juts out of nowhere and grabs the tickets. The boys look up shocked. They can't believe it. ALL FOUR BOYS ELVIS?!! Yes, Elvis. Fire in his eyes. Mania on his mind. And tickets in his hand. ELVIS (laughing hysterically) Whose laughing now?! Whose laughing now, ya little shits?! I told ya... Over my dead body! Ha-HA-HAAA! HAWK (arms outstretched) Take it easy, Elvis. Don't do anything crazy. Just give me the tickets before someone gets hurt. TRIP Hey, wait a minute! This ain't school property! He's not the boss of us here! ELVIS (crazed) That's right. This ain't school. It's not about school anymore. Now it's personal. LEX Come on, Elvis. We was only kiddin'. It's all in good fun. We run, you chase. Cat and mouse. You know. ELVIS Boys, this time... I win! Elvis stuffs all four tickets in his mouth and chews crazily. In seconds, GULP. Elvis explodes into unhinged laughter as he runs away zigzagged down the street. Our boys are left dumbstruck and speechless. After a really long pause... JAM Well... I still got my idea if anybody will let me speak. HAWK (beaten) Go ahead, Jam. JAM We all beat each other up, then, once we're nice and bruised, we run over to the ticket takers and say we got mugged and our tickets were stolen. They gotta let us in then. They stand and think for a moment. Hawk's mouth curls into a devilish grin. Then, he lets out a gigantic "AIEEE!!! and slugs Jam. The four boys brutally pummel one another in the middle of the intersection. Punching. Kicking. Headbutting. EXT. COBO HALL - NIGHT Two TICKET TAKERS are letting the last KISS fans in. They're about to close the doors when our four bloodied and bruised heroes come running up. HAWK Dude, you gotta let us in! Four muggers just stole our tickets! TICKET TAKER (sceptical) You expect us to believe that? JAM Look at us! Trip points into the crowd of fans inside the auditorium foyer. TRIP It was those assholes! They even stole my wallet! The ticket takers turn to see the little kid, Chongo, and their two buds just going in. The ticket takers signal two security guards who proceed to stop the four stunned kids and confiscate their tickets. They find all the stolen dope and Trip's wallet. TRIP Inside that you'll find my KISS Army picture I.D. and a hundred fifty bucks cash. The security guards see he's right and break out the cuffs. TRIP (to little kid) Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I was really hoping things would work out for you, my weasly, midget friend. You got spunk. The little kid for once is speechless. Then the ticket taker extends his arm in SLOW MOTION into COBO Hall as if to say "Entrez Vous." The four friends pause. JAM This is it! They take a few slow steps almost as if they don't believe it, then run like the wind into the auditorium. DETROIT ROCK CITY INT. COBO HALL AUDITORIUM - NIGHT The lights are out. The lighters have been lit. The CROWDS' ROAR is deafening. Jam, Hawk, Trip, and Lex plow their way through the throngs and head straight for the front row just as Simple Simon takes the stage. SIMPLE SIMON You wanted the best! And you got the best! The hottest band in the world... KISS!!! Simple Simon runs from the stage just as the opening chords to DETROIT ROCK CITY BEGIN. On the beat, BOOM, FIREWORKS shoot from the floor alighting the place. KISS takes the stage descending on hydraulic elevators. ON JAM, HAWK, TRIP, AND LEX They're seeing God! The show is spectacular. The costumes. The make-up. The blitzkrieg of pyrotechnics. The flashing KISS sign. Ace's smoking guitar. Gene's spewing fire. Paul's rockin' vocals. Peter's kick-ass beat. Then, something really weird happens. The crowd behind the boys heaves forward. Jam is pushed like a twig in a flood and over the shoulders of those in front of him. Purely by accident, he is thrown onto the stage landing on his stomach between Paul and Gene. Just before Peter's drum solo is about to start. Gene, Paul, and Ace silence their instruments. Peter throws his drumstick into the air intending to catch it when it comes down. But the sight of Jam landing on the stage distracts him. All is mute as Peter misses the drumstick. It hits the outside edge of one of the drums. Thinking fast, Jam grabs one of his drumsticks out of his sock and tosses it to Peter. It tumbles through the air in SLOW MOTION with a LOW, WHOOPING, HELICOPTER SOUND. We see the word "Mystery" clearly as it twirls. Instantly, it's caught in Peter Criss's hand and he brings it down on his drum not missing a beat. The song resumes with all its fury as Peter's drum kit ascends on a hydraulic platform. Jam scrambles from the stage and leaps back into the audience barely missing the claws of some security guards. The four friends pound on each other with unbridled, teenage exuberance. Will it ever get any better than this? FREEZE FRAME. FADE TO WHITE: THE END
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA Written by Aline Brosh McKenna Based on the novel by Lauren Weisberger Shooting Draft - September 9, 2005 Blue Revisions - September 15, 2005 Pink Revisions - September 20, 2005 Green Revisions - October 9, 2005 Yellow Revisions - November 9, 2005 Goldenrod Revisions - November 14, 2005 Salmon Revisions - December 9, 2005 2nd Blue In Progress MUSIC UP FADE IN STEAM ON A MIRROR 1 ...wiped off by ANDY SACHS, 20's, pretty but not glamorous, 1 smart but green, hair up in a towel, brushing her teeth. We intercut ANDY getting ready and... ... we see three or four other GIRLS getting ready too. 1A A drawer filled with about forty lipsticks slides into 1A frame... One of the GIRLS carefully applies shiny lip gloss with a brush... ANDY puts on cherry Chapstick... 1B&C A lacy thong floats through the air... one of the GIRLS pulls 1B&C it up her glossy legs... A comfy cotton pair of Jockey bikinis is tugged out of a pile... ANDY pulls them on... 1D A gorgeous pair of slingback heels. One of the GIRLS pulls 1D the shoes on while her model handsome boyfriend reclines on crisp white sheets, watching her. 1E A pair of comfortable wedges... ANDY dresses while NATE, 1E rumpled, unshowered, wearing an old Alice in Chains t-shirt, watches her, reclining in mismatched bed-in-a-bag sheets... 1F&G A series of quick cuts... ANDY eats a full breakfast -- eggs, 1F&G bacon, bagel... One of the GIRLS carefully counts out seven almonds and pours a huge cup of black coffee... 1H&I ANDY straightens a pile of newspaper clips from the Daily 1H&I Northwestern with the byline ANDREA SACHS and proudly tucks them into her hideous college-graduation-present briefcase... One of the GIRLS takes Listerine breath strips, keys and a Gucci moneyclip and shoves everything in a tiny Fendi clutch. 2 EXT. NEW YORK CITY -- DAY 2 The GIRLS, looking flawless, fold their legs into taxis and town cars as ANDY trots down the street and into the subway. 3 INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY -- DAY 3 ANDY strides into an office building, confident. A GUARD stops her. Indicates she sign his clipboard. She signs in. ANDY What floor is Elias-Clarke? Human Resources. Beat. The GUARD just looks at her. What? (CONTINUED) 2. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 3 CONTINUED: 3 GUARD Honey, you want West 57th. 4 EXT. 57TH STREET -- DAY 4 ANDY runs, but she's moving against the pedestrian tide. We widen out to see ANDY, bucking the flow like a salmon going upstream. She gets to an intersection, starts to cross the street... ...and just misses being decked by a bike messenger. 5 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 5 ANDY sees a tower looming in front of her. Elias-Clarke. Streaming into the building are the polished GIRLS we saw in the opening... their heels click-clack on the concrete... They are the CLACKERS of Elias-Clarke. ANDY runs in. 6 OMITTED 6 7 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE ELEVATOR -- DAY 7 ANDY is a shrub in a CLACKER forest. One turns to another. CLACKER #1 You look awesome today. I can't wear cropped pants. I look like a whale. CLACKER #2 Oh, please. I look terrible. I almost called in fat today. ANDY looks at them, then down at herself. If they're fat, what am I? Ding! Elevator opens and ANDY exits. 8 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE -- DAY 8 ANDY sits across from SHERRY, 40's. On the wall are covers from the Elias-Clarke magazines -- a news magazine, a cooking magazine, a fitness magazine... and Runway. ANDY is unloading clips from her horrible briefcase. ANDY This article was about the Take Back the Night march. This was a four-part series on the impact of busing on the public schools... (CONTINUED) 3. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 8 CONTINUED: 8 SHERRY holds up her finger to stop ANDY talking. SHERRY I have two positions available. One is assistant to the road test editor of Auto Universe magazine. ANDY (forces a smile) And the other one--? 9 INT. RUNWAY RECEPTION AREA -- DAY 9 Sleek, elegant, hard-edged chic. Behind the reception desk is an elegant logo that says RUNWAY. ANDY walks over. ANDY Hi, I have an appointment with Emily Charlton-- EMILY (O.S.) Andrea Sachs? (EMILY (and MIRANDA, later) pronounce ANDREA Ahn-DRAY-a. ANDY refers to herself as AN-dree-a.) ANDY turns and sees a taller, thinner and, amazingly, more groomed CLACKER. This is EMILY. She looks the part of the sleek fashionista, but is propelled by a core of barely tamped down anxiety. She examines ANDY. EMILY (CONT'D) Human Resources certainly has a bizarre sense of humor. (sigh, annoyed) Follow me. 10 INT. RUNWAY HALLWAY -- DAY 10 EMILY briskly walks ANDY down the hall. EMILY Okay, so... I was Miranda's second assistant, but her first assistant recently got promoted so now I'm the first... ANDY glimpses an office in front of them, seductively bright. ANDY And you're replacing yourself. (CONTINUED) 4. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 10 CONTINUED: 10 EMILY I'm trying. Miranda sacked the last two girls after only a few weeks. We need to find someone who can survive here. Do you understand? ANDY Yes. Of course. Who's Miranda? EMILY (eyes widening) You didn't just ask me that. She's the editor in chief of Runway. Not to mention a legend. Work a year for her and you can get a job at any magazine you want. A million girls would kill for this job. ANDY Sounds great. I'd love to be considered. She smiles. EMILY tries to think how to break it to her. EMILY Andrea, Runway is a fashion magazine. An interest in fashion is crucial. ANDY What makes you think I'm not interested in fashion? EMILY gives her a look. ANDY smiles, like she has no idea what EMILY could mean. Suddenly, EMILY'S Blackberry goes off. She gasps. EMILY Oh my God. No. No, no, no. ANDY What's wrong? 11 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 11 A black sedan pulls to a sudden stop outside the building. 12 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN - DAY 12 EMILY begins rapid-fire dialing four digit extensions. (CONTINUED) 5. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 12 CONTINUED: 12 EMILY (all but screaming) She's on her way -- tell everyone! Just then a dapper man of about 40 walks briskly by. NIGEL I thought she was coming in at 9. EMILY Her driver text-messaged. Her facialist ruptured a disk. God, these people! NIGEL turns and sees ANDY. Looks at EMILY. Who is that? EMILY (CONT'D) I can't even talk about it. No time to discuss. NIGEL calls down the hallway. NIGEL All right, everyone. Man your battle stations! (beat, bewildered) Did somebody eat an onion bagel? Behind him, ANDY tries not to look guilty. 13 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 13 The sedan door opens. We see only flashes of MIRANDA, what she's wearing, not the complete picture yet... ...Manolos, Chanel jacket, Van Cleef earrings... 14 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 14 ASSISTANTS frantically push clothing rails out of the way. EDITORS race into their office. ANDY peers in. One of the EDITORS changes from kitten heels to sky-high stilettos... ...another pulls on a body shaper under her dress... ...another hurriedly dumps the remains of her breakfast -- some cubes of cantaloupe -- into the trash... 6. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 15 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE LOBBY -- DAY 15 We watch MIRANDA walking through the lobby. We see PEOPLE react to her-- GUARDS, ASSISTANTS and SECRETARIES cower, DISTINGUISHED EXECUTIVES bow their heads in respectful greeting. MIRANDA maintains a high rate of speed towards the elevator. She gets in. The CLACKER inside immediately leaps out. CLACKER Sorry, Miranda. MIRANDA doesn't acknowledge her existence. 16 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 16 EMILY races to the kitchen (right near their bullpen). Gets a glass, reaches into the fridge, pours a Pellegrino. Races into MIRANDA'S office. Races back out. Grabs an armful of magazines and newspaper from her desk and runs back into MIRANDA'S office. 17 INT. RUNWAY - RECEPTION AREA -- DAY 17 ...MIRANDA steps out of the elevator and for the first time we see her head-on. MIRANDA'S look is so distinctive you can spot her a mile away. She is unlike any other beautiful woman, singularly MIRANDA. 18 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 18 EMILY types frantically into her computer, presses print, stands by the printer waiting, takes the paper out of the printer, puts it on a clipboard. Notices ANDY. EMILY Oh no. You're still here. Go. ANDY gets up. EMILY (CONT'D) No, stay. I don't want you walking past her. Just sit there and I'll pray she doesn't notice you marring the area. ANDY sits back down. (CONTINUED) 7. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 18 CONTINUED: 18 ANDY (to herself) Wow, this is like self-esteem camp. The rest of the office continues its hubbub... 19 INT. RUNWAY - HALLWAY -- DAY 19 ..until the moment MIRANDA enters the office from reception. Instantly, a quiet falls. Everyone looks calm and professional. Or fakes it. EMILY, phony smile on her face, trots down the hall to walk MIRANDA to her office. MIRANDA I don't understand why it's so difficult to confirm an appointment. EMILY I'm so sorry, Miranda. I did confirm last night, but-- MIRANDA The details of your incompetence do not interest me. MIRANDA gestures impatiently. EMILY hands her the clipboard. MIRANDA peruses it as they walk down the hall. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Tell Simone I'm not approving the girl she sent in for the Brazil layout. I wanted clean, athletic, and smiling not dirty, tired and paunchy... EMILY follows her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) RSVP yes to the Michael Kors party -- the car will drop me at 9:30 and wait until I leave at 9:45... Tell Natalie at Glorious Foods for the fortieth time -- no, I don't want the tortes filled with warm rhubarb compote. I want the chopped almonds. EMILY jots everything down. (CONTINUED) 8. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 19 CONTINUED: 19 MIRANDA (CONT'D) Call my ex-husband and remind him the Parent-Teacher conferences at Dalton are tonight. Then call my husband and tell him to meet me for dinner at that place I went with Massimo... EMILY Right. MIRANDA And tell Richard I saw the pictures of for the feature on female paramedics and they're all so unattractive. I don't understand. How hard is it to find a decent-looking paramedic?... Also, I need to see what Nigel has called in for Gwyneth's second cover try... MIRANDA stops at EMILY'S desk, takes off her coat, dumps it on EMILY'S desk, walks past ANDY, seeming not to notice her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Who is that? Damn. Did notice her. EMILY follows MIRANDA. 19A INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE 19A EMILY Nobody. Human resources sent her up about the assistant job and I was pre- interviewing her for you, but-- MIRANDA I'll do it. The last two you sent me were total disappointments. Send her in. 19B INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 19B EMILY walks out of MIRANDA'S office. Points at ANDY. EMILY She wants to see you.. Go go go.... And before ANDY walks in, EMILY takes ANDY'S hideous briefcase and chucks it under a desk. 9. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 20 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 20 ANDY walks in. MIRANDA'S office is chic, clean, walls lined with photos by Avedon, Penn, Testino and Meisel. We see large framed photo of MIRANDA, her husband STEPHEN and her twin GIRLS, CASSIDY and CAROLINE, in the Hamptons. The iced Pellegrino sits on a coaster on the desk. A pile of magazines is fanned out precisely on a table. MIRANDA Who are you? ANDY hands her resume to MIRANDA. MIRANDA ignores it. ANDY My name is Andy Sachs. I recently graduated from-- MIRANDA What are you doing here? ANDY I think I could do a good job as your assistant and-- MIRANDA gives her a look. ANDY (CONT'D) (fast, blurting) I came to New York to be a journalist and I sent letters to everyone and I finally got a call from Elias-Clarke and met with Sherry in Human Resources and basically it's this or Auto Universe. ANDY stops, can't quite believe she said that. MIRANDA takes in this burst of honesty. MIRANDA So you don't read Runway? ANDY No. MIRANDA And before today, you had never heard of me? (CONTINUED) 10. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 20 CONTINUED: 20 ANDY No. MIRANDA And you have no style or sense of fashion. ANDY That depends on-- MIRANDA That wasn't a question. ANDY I was Editor in Chief of the Daily Northwestern. I won a national competition for college journalists with a series on the janitor's union -- MIRANDA holds up her hand. MIRANDA That's all. ANDY, startled by the abruptness, keeps talking. ANDY --that uncovered the exploitation of-- MIRANDA stares. ANDY abruptly stops talking. Heads for the door. Then she stops and turns. ANDY (CONT'D) Okay, you're right. I don't fit in here. I'm not glamorous or skinny and I don't know much about fashion. But I'm smart, I learn fast and I will work very hard. And... MIRANDA says nothing. Just then we hear a voice, someone heading into MIRANDA'S office. NIGEL We got the exclusive on the yellow Cavalli for Gwyneth, the one he showed with a huge feathered headpiece, but she'll look like she's working the mainstage at the Golden Nugget, so instead... NIGEL stops when he sees ANDY. (CONTINUED) 11. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 20 CONTINUED: (2) 20 ANDY (to MIRANDA) Thank you for your time. She summons all her dignity and exits, walking past NIGEL, who looks at MIRANDA. NIGEL Who IS that sad little person? Are we doing a Before and After piece I don't know about? 21 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE LOBBY -- DAY 21 ANDY staggers out of the elevator, catching her breath. Suddenly she hears someone calling. EMILY Andrea! ANDY turns. And sees EMILY. 22 INT. NATE'S RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 22 Nothing fancy. The kind of place that refills your Sprite. ANDY is with two of her friends, DOUG and LILY. DOUG is built like a linebacker and very sweet. And her boyfriend, NATE, great looking, no vanity. He's the kind of guy who had his own radio show in college and played intramural rugby. It's the end of NATE'S shift and he's wearing his kitchen whites. There are just a few people left in the restaurant and at the bar. NATE Wow. You got a job at a fashion magazine. (beat) Was it a phone interview? ANDY laughs, smacks him playfully. ANDY Don't be a jerk. DOUG Miranda Priestly is famous for being unpredictable. (CONTINUED) 12. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 22 CONTINUED: 22 ANDY Okay, how is it that you know who she is and I didn't? DOUG I'm actually a girl. LILY That would explain so much. DOUG Seriously, Miranda is a huge deal. I bet a million girls would kill for that job. ANDY Yeah, it's just that I'm not one of them. LILY You have to start somewhere. Look at this dump Nate works in. Paper napkins? Hello? NATE (doesn't miss a beat) And Lily works at that gallery doing-- (to LILY) What the hell is it that you do? DOUG Lucky for me, I have my dream job. NATE (huh?) You're a corporate research analyst. DOUG -- which totally rocks. The free bagels on Thursday? The booze? The whores? They look at him. DOUG (CONT'D) You're right. There are no bagels. And only a few whores. 23 EXT. NATE'S RESTAURANT - STREET -- NIGHT 23 The pavement is shiny from a recent rain. It's a chilly night in March. ANDY and NATE walk home. (CONTINUED) 13. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 23 CONTINUED: 23 ANDY You should see the way the girls dress at Runway. I'm not sure I have anything to wear to work. NATE You're going to be answering phones and getting coffee. You need a ballgown for that? ANDY I think I might. NATE I think you look great. Always. She smiles. He pulls her in... ANDY You are so full of it. He laughs, and kisses her. NATE Come on. Let's go home. I can think of something you can do without clothes. Just then a Lincoln Town Car comes barrelling up the street going way too fast, almost clipping them. NATE (CONT'D) Asshole! He and ANDY give the car the finger, laughing. 24 INT. ANDY AND NATE'S APARTMENT -- DAWN 24 Small, with a view of an air shaft. The bed's a futon. On the floor. ANDY and NATE are asleep. Dim light trickles in. NATE wakes up, pulls ANDY closer. Soon they're kissing. Their kisses become more urgent... ANDY'S cell phone rings, shrill, annoyingly upbeat. She feels around, finding the phone. ANDY Hello? Now? She looks over at the alarm clock which reads: 6:15 AM. 14. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 25 INT. RUNWAY -- DAWN 25 EMILY is in the office. EMILY Miranda decided to kill the Autumn Jacket story for September -- she's pulling up the Sedona shoot from October. You need to go into the office right this second. Pick up her coffee order on the way. Write this down. 26 OMITTED 26 27 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT -- MORNING 27 ANDY has tried on every bit of clothing she owns; there's a huge discard pile on the floor. Her closet is empty. She looks at her outfit in the mirror. And is promptly overcome by a wave of self-hatred. No time to fix it. 28 OMITTED 28 29 EXT. STARBUCKS -- DAY 29 ANDY, carrying a Starbucks tray loaded with coffee drinks and snacks, races up the street, sloshing coffee on her shoes. Her phone rings. EMILY Where are you? ANDY I'm almost there. She runs faster. 30 INT. RUNWAY - RECEPTION -- DAY 30 ANDY steps out of one elevator as NIGEL exits the other. A beat. He realizes. NIGEL No... ANDY Yes. She gave me the job. (CONTINUED) 15. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 30 CONTINUED: 30 NIGEL Clearly my opinion means nothing. (extends his hand) Nigel Kipling. Fashion Director. Let's see what we're working with. (examining her outfit) Wow. It's like Oklahoma and New Jersey had a baby out of wedlock. ANDY Actually, I'm from Cincinnati. NIGEL No, it's not possible. Not you. As ANDY heads off down the hall... NIGEL(CONT'D) Welcome to the dollhouse, Baby. 31 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 31 MIRANDA is standing by the door to her office as LUCIA, a beautiful Brazilian woman who is one of the Senior Editors, walks in with a couple of FASHION ASSISTANTS. MIRANDA Is there a reason my coffee is not here? Was I unclear in some way? EMILY looks panicked. 32 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 32 ANDY races down the hall, carrying the coffee to the bullpen. Before ANDY can even say hello-- EMILY I hope you know this is a very difficult job for which you are totally wrong and if you mess up MY head is on the chopping block. EMILY takes the coffee, brings it into MIRANDA'S office, walks back out to her desk. EMILY (CONT'D) Okay, first of all, you and I answer the phones. The phone MUST be answered every single time it rings. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 16. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 32 CONTINUED: 32 EMILY (CONT'D) Phones roll to voicemail, she gets very upset. If I'm not here, you are chained to this desk. ANDY What if the building's on fire or my appendix explodes or something? EMILY One time an assistant left the desk because she sliced her hand open with a letter opener. Miranda missed Lagerfeld right before he boarded a 17 hour flight to Australia. She now works at TV Guide. ANDY Man the desk at all times. Got it. The phone RINGS. EMILY picks it up. EMILY Miranda Priestly's office. She's not available. I'll tell her you called. Yet again. (back to ANDY) Remember, you and I have totally different jobs. You run errands, you get coffee, etcetera. I am in charge of her schedule, her expenses, her appointments. And, most importantly... (big drumroll, she beams) I get to go with her to Paris for Fashion Week in the fall. EMILY points to her Arc de Triomphe screensaver. EMILY (CONT'D) (giddy) I get to wear couture, go to all the shows, all the parties, meet all the designers. It's divine. (sighs happily, then, abruptly) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 17. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 32 CONTINUED: (2) 32 EMILY (CONT'D) Okay, stay here. I'm going to the art department to give them the Book. EMILY shows ANDY a thick scrapbook. EMILY (CONT'D) The Book is a mock-up of everything in the current issue. We deliver it to Miranda's apartment every night and she returns it in the morning with her notes. The second assistant is supposed to do it, but Miranda is very private and doesn't like strangers going to her house. So until she decides you're not a psycho, I get the lovely task of waiting around for the Book. ANDY How do I prove I'm not a psycho? EMILY I have no idea. And with that, EMILY pivots and walks away. ANDY looks around, unsure. ANDY Wait. What do I do if-- EMILY keeps walking. And sure enough, the phone rings. ANDY looks at it. ANDY (CONT'D) Oh no. (takes a breath, picks up) Mrs. Priestly's office. (beat, wincing) That's what I meant. Miranda Priestly's office. She searches around for a pen. ANDY (CONT'D) She's in a meeting. Can I take message? I'm sorry. Can you spell Gabbana-- (they hang up) Guess not. She hangs up. Takes a breath. Okay. Got through one call. (CONTINUED) 17A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 32 CONTINUED: (3) 32 Just then JOCELYN, the attractively tomboyish accessories editor, walks out of MIRANDA'S office. JOCELYN Run-through at 3, shoot 8 am tomorrow. Of course. No problem. JOCELYN glares at ANDY. JOCELYN (CONT'D) Who the hell does she think I am, Houdini? ANDY Hi, I'm Andy, I'm the new-- JOCELYN Great. Fantastic. If you'll excuse me, I gotta go pull a bunch of fringe purses out of my ass. (CONTINUED) 18. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 32 CONTINUED: (4) 32 ANDY turns and sees NIGEL walking down the hall carrying a pair of stunning Dolce slingbacks. He holds out the shoes. NIGEL I guessed 8 1/2. ANDY That's very nice of you, but I don't need those. Miranda hired me. She knows what I look like. NIGEL Do you? MIRANDA Emily! We hear MIRANDA clearly. She's not yelling. She never yells. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Emily! NIGEL She means you. (nudges her) Go. ANDY takes a deep breath. 33 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE 33 ANDY appears in the door. MIRANDA is talking to PAUL, the art director, who is showing her a layout. MIRANDA It's too dark. I can't see any of the clothes... PAUL ...I think he intended to use shadow to show the contours of the... MIRANDA And what is this? I want the title of the layout to bleed over the left side of the photo... PAUL I see, well, we needed room for the typeface to pick up the lines of the dress, which is cut on the bias, so we... (CONTINUED) 18A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 33 CONTINUED: 33 MIRANDA No, no, no. That's not what I want. I made that abundantly clear... MIRANDA looks up and sees ANDY. MIRANDA (CONT'D) There you are, Emily. How many times do I have to scream your name? ANDY Actually, it's Andy. MIRANDA gives ANDY a look. And ANDY notices she's brought the room to a screeching halt. ANDY (CONT'D) My name is Andy. Andrea, but people call me Andy. (CONTINUED) 19. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 33 CONTINUED: (2) 33 MIRANDA What a fantastic story. So entertaining and full of useful information. MIRANDA looks at her. And smiles. Terrifying. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I need ten or fifteen skirts from Calvin Klein... ANDY What kind of-- MIRANDA Please bore someone else with your questions. Make sure we can get Pier 59 at 8 am tomorrow... Remind Jocelyn I want to see a few of those satchels Marc is doing in the pony... And tell Simone I'll take Frankie if Maggie is not available tomorrow... And did Demarchelier confirm? ANDY Demar-- MIRANDA Get him on the phone. As ANDY leaves -- MIRANDA (CONT'D) And Emily. ANDY turns. ANDY Yes? And MIRANDA doesn't say anything. Just looks at ANDY'S shoes. Then back up at ANDY. Her message unmistakable. 34 INT. RUNWAY OFFICE - BULLPEN -- DAY 34 ANDY flies out of MIRANDA'S office, races over to the desk, pulls on the Dolces. MIRANDA immediately calls out... MIRANDA Do you have Demarchelier? (CONTINUED) 20. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 34 CONTINUED: 34 ANDY tries to look the name up in the address book on the computer. ANDY Demarchelier... Demarchelier... Just then EMILY appears behind ANDY. She dials the phone. EMILY I have Miranda Priestly calling. (calls out) I have Patrick. She flips the call to MIRANDA. Then turns to ANDY, who's slightly panicked. ANDY She called me in and asked me about Pier 59. She said something about Simone and Frankie and someone else. And she needs skirts from Calvin Klein. I think that's the most important thing, but I couldn't tell. Oh, and there was something about a pony. EMILY Did she say which skirts? (ANDY shakes her head No) Did she say what kind? (No.) Color? Shape? Fabric? (No. No. No.) ANDY I tried to ask her, but-- EMILY You never ask Miranda. Anything. (sighs) All right, I'll take care of the other stuff. You go to Calvin Klein. ANDY Me? EMILY I'm sorry. Do you have a prior commitment? Is there some hideous pants convention? (CONTINUED) 21. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 34 CONTINUED: (2) 34 ANDY So I just, what, go down to the Calvin Klein store and ask them-- EMILY rolls her eyes so hard they almost eject from her head. EMILY You're not going to the store. ANDY Of course not. I'm going... to his house. EMILY (oh god why me?) You are catching on quickly. We always send assistants to a designer's home on their very first day. You're going to his showroom. I'll give you the address. ANDY Sorry. Got it. What's the nearest subway stop? EMILY Good God. You do not. Under any circumstances. Take public transportation. On ANDY. I don't? 35 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 35 ANDY steps out. Sees a Black Lincoln Town Car. She smiles. 36 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE/INT. TOWN CAR -- DAY 36 ANDY rides uptown. She looks around -- the magazines, the tiny bottles of water, the little dishes of candy. The driver, ROY, looks at her in the mirror. ROY Miranda's new assistant. Congrats. ANDY Thanks. ANDY takes some candy. (CONTINUED) 22. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 36 CONTINUED: 36 ROY You know-- ANDY You're going to say a million girls would kill for my job. ROY Actually, I was going to say those Jelly Beans are seven years old. ANDY puts the candy back. 37 EXT. CALVIN KLEIN SHOWROOM -- DAY 37 ANDY looks up at the showroom. Her phone rings again. MIRANDA (O.S.) Are you there? ANDY I'm about to walk in. I'll call you as soon as-- Click. Her phone immediately rings again. EMILY (O.S.) While you're out... Miranda needs you to go to Hermes and pick up twenty five scarves we ordered for her. Cassidy forgot her homework at Dalton, pick that up. And Miranda went out to meet with Meisel, she'll want more Starbucks when she gets back. Click. 38 INT. CALVIN KLEIN SHOWROOM -- DAY 38 LIZ, the sales rep, brings out a rack of skirts for ANDY. LIZ You must be new. Congratulations. People would KILL for your job. I would. I love Miranda. She's such an icon. I've dealt with her a couple times, but I'm sure she doesn't remember. Just then ANDY'S phone rings. (CONTINUED) 23. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 38 CONTINUED: 38 MIRANDA (O.S.) What do they have? ANDY looks at the rack, searching for the right terminology. ANDY There's a um, variety of skirts. Let's see... LIZ mouths "Is that her?" ANDY nods. LIZ smiles. MIRANDA (O.S.) Who's there? Who are you dealing with? ANDY I'm sorry. What's your name? LIZ Liz. ANDY It's Liz. MIRANDA (O.S.) Get away from her. She is useless and unattractive. Ask for Ivan, tell him we're doing a reshoot tomorrow and need at least ten skirts. Click. ANDY looks at LIZ. LIZ (eager) What did she say? ANDY (wincing) Is Ivan in by any chance? LIZ (crushed) I'll get him. 39 & 40 OMITTED 39 & 40 41 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 41 ANDY walks in, laden with stuff and more coffee and snacks. EMILY springs up. (CONTINUED) 24. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 41 CONTINUED: 41 EMILY Oh my God. What took you so long? I have to pee. ANDY You haven't peed since I left? Just then MIRANDA walks through, dumps her coat on ANDY'S desk and walks into her office. EMILY You do the coat. She points to the closet. ANDY quickly hangs up the coat. EMILY (CONT'D) Now, be prepared. The run-through is at 12:30 and people are panicking, so the phone is going to be ringing off the hook. ANDY The run-through. Right. Clearly, she has no idea what a run-through is. EMILY (exasperated) The editors bring in options for a shoot and Miranda chooses. She chooses every single thing in every single issue. Run-throughs are a huge deal. And indeed ANDY can see EDITORS running in and out of their offices, rack of clothes and accessories flying. ANDY Is it always like this? EMILY No. Sometimes it's busy. Just then the tallest, thinnest and most intimidating CLACKER, the severely dressed, highly snobby SERENA, walks over. EMILY (CONT'D) After the loo, Serena and I are going to lunch. (to SERENA, re: ANDY) This is her. The new me. (CONTINUED) 24A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 41 CONTINUED: (2) 41 SERENA eyes ANDY with disbelief. EMILY (CONT'D) I told you. SERENA I thought you were kidding. EMILY Oh, no. I was quite serious. EMILY turns to ANDY. EMILY (CONT'D) I get twenty minutes for lunch, you get fifteen. When I come back, you can go. As ANDY watches EMILY and SERENA'S thin hips as they move down the hall, talking about how absurd ANDY looks. (CONTINUED) 25. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 41 CONTINUED: (3) 41 ANDY You eat lunch? 42 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE CAFETERIA -- DAY 42 A pasta bar. Deserted. A pizza station. Not a soul. A salad bar. Girls crowd the lettuce area, though no one's within a mile of the dressing region. ANDY races over to the deserted soup station. Quickly ladles some corn chowder into a bowl. NIGEL walks by with his tray. NIGEL Corn chowder. Interesting choice. ANDY looks at him, confused. NIGEL (CONT'D) You do know that cellulite is one of the ingredients of corn chowder. They walk over to the register, which has a long line. A few GIRLS are openly gaping, amazed that ANDY selected chowder. ANDY None of the girls here eat anything? NIGEL Not since 2 became the new 4 and 0 became the new 2. ANDY I'm a 6. NIGEL Which is the new 14. ANDY dips a piece of bread in her chowder, eats it. Seeing this, two of the CLACKERS gasp in horror... Then ANDY notices she's dripped on her blouse. She dabs it. NIGEL (CONT'D) Something tells me you've got more polyblend where that came from. ANDY Okay. You think my clothes are hideous. I get it, okay? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 26. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 42 CONTINUED: 42 ANDY (CONT'D) But I'm not going to be working in fashion forever. I don't see any reason to change everything about myself because I have this job. NIGEL You're right. That's what this multi- million dollar industry is all about. Inner beauty. Just then NIGEL'S phone rings. He picks up, listens. NIGEL (CONT'D) Miranda wants us upstairs. Chairman's on his way down to her office. CLOSE ON... ANDY'S corn chowder and NIGEL'S salad being chucked in the garbage. 43 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE - ELEVATOR -- DAY 43 ANDY and NIGEL get in. IRV RAVITZ is already riding up. NIGEL nods, deferential. NIGEL Mr. Ravitz. IRV Nigel. Issue going well? NIGEL Our biggest September ever. IRV Great. I heard Miranda killed Autumn Jackets and pulled up the Sedona shoot. What's that costing me? NIGEL About 300,000. IRV (smiles) Must have been some lousy Jackets. But I'm sure she knows what she's doing. NIGEL Always. IRV glances over at ANDY, offers his hand. (CONTINUED) 26A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 43 CONTINUED: 43 IRV Irv Ravitz. NIGEL I'm sorry... this is Andy Sachs, Miranda's new assistant. IRV Congratulations, young lady. A million girls would kill for that job. The elevator opens. IRV nods to NIGEL and exits. NIGEL (to ANDY) Chairman of Elias Clarke. You know what they say, tiny man, huge ego. (checks his watch) We should have taken the stairs. 43A OMITTED 43A 43B OMITTED 43B 27. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 44 OMITTED 44 45 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 45 Accessories are spread out on the floor in basket trays. Clothes are on racks. MIRANDA clicks through the racks. MIRANDA No... No... No... I swear I don't understand why it's so difficult for you to pull together a decent run- through. You had hours to prepare... (continues clicking) Where are all the advertisers? LUCIA We have some pieces from Banana Republic and-- (CONTINUED) 28. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 45 CONTINUED: 45 MIRANDA We need more. MIRANDA holds up a skirt. Shows it to Nigel. MIRANDA (CONT'D) What do you think? NIGEL You know me. A full ballerina skirt with a hint of saloon and I'm on board. MIRANDA Is it too much like the-- NIGEL --LaCroix from July? I thought of that, but with the right accessories, it could work... MIRANDA nods. He's right of course. MIRANDA Where are the belts for this skirt? JOCELYN races over and holds up two belts. MIRANDA studies them. ANDY looks at them too. To us, and to her, they look exactly the same. JOCELYN Tough call. They're so different. ANDY lets out a little giggle. And it's like she set off a grenade. Slowly everyone turns to her. MIRANDA Is something funny? ANDY No, no, no. It's just... And MIRANDA says nothing. ANDY twists in the wind. ANDY (CONT'D) It's just that both of those belts look the same to me. I'm still learning about this stuff, so-- And the silence is deafening. Everyone looks to see what MIRANDA will do. (CONTINUED) 28A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 45 CONTINUED: (2) 45 MIRANDA This... stuff? Okay. I understand. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and select, say, that lumpy blue sweater because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what's on your body. What you don't know is that your sweater is not blue. It's not even sky blue. It's cerulean. You also don't know that in 2002, De La Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns, Yves St. Laurent showed a cerulean military jacket, Dolce did skirts with cerulean beads, and in our September issue we did the definitive layout on the color. Cerulean quickly appeared in eight other major collections, then the secondary and department store lines and then trickled down to some lovely Casual Corner, where you no doubt stumbled on it. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 29. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 45 CONTINUED: (3) 45 MIRANDA (CONT'D) That color is worth millions of dollars and many jobs. And here you are, thinking you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry. In truth, you are wearing a sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of stuff. She smiles at ANDY. Who quakes. MIRANDA (CONT'D) That's all. 46 INT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT 46 ON ANDY at home, pacing. She changes out of her work clothes into sweats while NATE makes her what looks to be the tastiest grilled cheese in history. ANDY You should have seen the look she gave me. I thought the flesh was going to melt off her face. NATE laughs. ANDY (CONT'D) It's not funny. She could be the most horrendous person I've ever met. She's not happy unless everyone around her is panicked, nauseous or suicidal. And all the Clackers just WORSHIP her... (off his confused look) They call them Clackers. Their stilettos in the marble lobby... clack, clack, clack... She pulls an ancient Northwestern sweatshirt over her head. She starts eating the grilled cheese, gesturing angrily with it as she talks. ANDY (CONT'D) And they all act like they're curing cancer or something. The amount of time and energy they spend on things that DON'T MATTER!!! Poring over these minute details. And for what? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 30. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 46 CONTINUED: 46 ANDY (CONT'D) So tomorrow they can spend an extra 300,000 dollars reshooting something that was probably fine to begin with? To sell people things they don't need? She puts down the sandwich. ANDY (CONT'D) God, I'm not even hungry anymore. Maybe that's why everyone there is so skinny. NATE Gimme that. There's about eight dollars worth of Jarlsberg in there. He takes the sandwich, takes a bite. ANDY I just have to stick it out for one year. Then I can do what I came to New York to do. I can't let Miranda get to me. I won't. NATE Easy, Killer. ANDY And give me that sandwich. NATE Oh, no way. It's mine now. She grabs it away from him. He chases her, trying to get it back. MUSIC UP. THE WORK MONTAGE. 47 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 47 MIRANDA walks past ANDY. ANDY puts her best face on. ANDY Good morning, Miranda! Thwack! Miranda's coat lands on Andy's desk. MIRANDA Get me Isaac. We see ANDY look through the computerized address book, find the number. Thwack! Another coat lands on ANDY'S desk. 31. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 47A INT RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE 47A IN HER OFFICE. MIRANDA pushes her plate of scrambled eggs across the desk. MIRANDA These eggs are frigid. 47B EXT. DINER STREET -- DAY 47B CUT TO: ANDY runs out of the diner, sprinting, holding MIRANDA'S eggs. 47C INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47C Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA Pick up the Polaroids from the swimwear shoot. 47D INT. STUDIO -- DAY 47D ANDY opens the door onto in a narrow room filled with semi- naked women changing into bikinis. Someone points ANDY towards the STYLIST... on the other side. She picks her way across, trying not to stare and, in an effort to avoid brushing against a body part, she veers into a rack of clothing, sending it clattering into the wall. 47E INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47E Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA The brakes in my car are making a weird noise. Take it in. 47F EXT. STREET -- DAY 47F CUT TO: ANDY, driving a Porsche up the street, brakes squealing. She's terrified. 47FA INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47FA Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA We need the hat from the finale of the Zac Posen show. 32. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 47FB EXT. BRYANT PARK -- DAY 47FB We see ANDY carrying the "hat" -- a funny, over-the-top concoction (at least 30 inches tall, perhaps with a taxidermied bird in it or something such...). People stare. 47G INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47G Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA The girls need new boogieboards for spring break. 47H INT. -- DAY 47H ANDY walking down the street with two custom-painted boogie boards under her arm. ANDY'S phone rings. She picks up. EMILY (V.O.) They also need flip flops. ANDY does a 180 with the boogie boards, almost decking some people. 47I INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47I Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA Pick up my shoes from Manolo. 47J EXT. STREET -- DAY 47J CUT TO: ANDY carrying a huge Manolo bag filled with shoe boxes... 47K INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 47K MIRANDA ...and while you're out, get Patricia. 47L EXT. STREET -- DAY 47L Widen out to reveal she's not only carrying the luggage, she's also fighting Patricia, a St. Bernard on a leash. 47M INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN 47M Thwack! Another coat! Thwack! Another coat! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! 32A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 48 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 48 ANDY is at her desk, exhausted, head in hands. MIRANDA Get me Isaac! (CONTINUED) 33. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 48 CONTINUED: 48 And this time, without consulting the Rolodex or even lifting her head much, ANDY dials the number by heart. ANDY I have Isaac. Widen out to see EMILY. A beat. ANDY (CONT'D) Wow. Thank God it's Friday, huh? EMILY ignores her, busy assembling a stack of lookbooks to return to the Art Department. ANDY (CONT'D) My Dad's coming in from Ohio this weekend. We're having dinner tonight. Then we're seeing "Chicago"... EMILY says nothing. ANDY (CONT'D) You doing anything fun this weekend? EMILY Yes. EMILY walks away. 49 EXT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- EVENING 49 We see ANDY'S dad, RICHARD, distinguished, if a few pounds overweight, is ringing the doorbell to ANDY'S apartment. ANDY calls down. ANDY Dad! I'll be right down! 50 INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 50 ANDY and her DAD are at an upscale, quiet restaurant. He hands her an envelope. RICHARD Here. Don't want you to get behind in your rent. ANDY How did you-- (realizes) I'm gonna kill Mom. Thank you. (CONTINUED) 34. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 50 CONTINUED: 50 She tucks it in her purse. They smile at each other. ANDY (CONT'D) It's so good to see you. You want to start grilling me now or should we wait until after dinner? RICHARD (grins) Thought I'd let you at least enjoy the bread basket first. ANDY (smiles) Oh, just go ahead. RICHARD We're just a little worried. We get emails from you at your office at 2 am, your pay is terrible, you don't get to write anything... ANDY (still trying to keep it light) Hey. Not fair. I wrote those e- mails. RICHARD I'm just trying to understand why someone who was accepted to Stanford Law turns that down to be a journalist and now you're not even doing that-- ANDY Oh please. Not this again. RICHARD Why did you even bother applying to law school? ANDY Because it's what you wanted. This is what I want. RICHARD This? Being a secretary? ANDY I'm an executive assistant. (CONTINUED) 35. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 50 CONTINUED: (2) 50 RICHARD You hang coats, you go to Starbucks, you're a secretary, Andy. ANDY You have to trust me. Being Miranda's assistant opens a lot of doors. Emily is going to Paris with Miranda in a few months, she'll meet editors and writers from every important magazine. But RICHARD still looks dubious. ANDY (CONT'D) Dad, I swear. This is my break. This is my chance. This is my-- Just then the cell phone rings. ANDY looks down at it. ANDY (CONT'D) -boss. RICHARD looks at her. ANDY (CONT'D) I have to get it. ANDY picks up her cell phone. 51 INT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT -- NIGHT 51 MIRANDA is surrounded by crowds heading home for the weekend. MIRANDA My flight is cancelled... Some absurd weather problem. She starts moving through the airport. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I have to get home. Tonight. The twins have a recital at school tomorrow morning. 52 INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 52 RICHARD looks at ANDY. ANDY Absolutely, Miranda. Let me see what I can do. (CONTINUED) 36. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 52 CONTINUED: 52 She hangs up, looks at RICHARD. ANDY (CONT'D) (apologetic) I'm so sorry, Dad. I have to deal with this. 53 EXT. STREET -- NIGHT 53 QUICK CUTS of ANDY on the cell phone as she and RICHARD walk through Times Square. ANDY I need a jet from Miami to New York... (jump cut) A jet, any kind of jet... (jump cut) Yes, tonight, right now. (jump cut) From Miami to New York. (jump cut) As soon as possible. Please call me back as soon as the situation changes. (jump cut) I'm trying, Miranda. No one is flying out because of the weather. Throughout, ANDY gestures to her Dad... I'm sorry. This will just take a second. 54 INT. MIAMI INT'L AIRPORT -- NIGHT 54 MIRANDA looks out the window at the squall. MIRANDA Please. It's just drizzling. Someone must be getting out. Call Donatella and get her jet. Call everyone with a jet -- Irv, Armani... ANDY (O.S.) But-- And MIRANDA hangs up. 55 EXT. THEATER -- NIGHT 55 A few minutes later. ANDY stands there, clutching her phone, thinking... RICHARD Andy, come on. Let's go in. (CONTINUED) 37. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 55 CONTINUED: 55 ANDY I've done everything I could think of. I don't know what else to do. ANDY's phone rings again. RICHARD looks at her. ANDY (CONT'D) I'm sorry, Dad. (she picks up) Miranda, you don't understand. Even if I get you a plane, they won't let you take off tonight and-- MIRANDA Emily. Stop making excuses. GET ME HOME. She hangs up. ANDY Oh my God. She is going to murder me. RICHARD Would it help if I talked to her? 56 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 56 ANDY stands in front of MIRANDA'S desk, cowed. MIRANDA The girls' recital was wonderful. They played Rachmaninoff and everyone loved it. Except for me... because I was not there. ANDY I'm so sorry, Miranda. MIRANDA turns away from the window to look at ANDY. MIRANDA Do you know why I hired you? ANDY shakes her head. MIRANDA turns to face her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I always hire the same girl, stylish, slender, worships the magazine. And often they turn out to be disappointing and stupid. ANDY blanches. (CONTINUED) 38. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 56 CONTINUED: 56 MIRANDA (CONT'D) But you, with your fancy resume and your big speech about your so-called work ethic-- I thought you would be different. I thought, go ahead, take a chance, hire the smart, fat girl. ANDY'S eyes widen (she's not even remotely fat, of course.) MIRANDA (CONT'D) I had hope. I always have hope. But you're as disappointing as anyone else. ANDY I did everything I could think of-- MIRANDA That's all. And she goes back to her work. ANDY stands there a second, then leaves. And we see her eyes start to well. 57 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 57 ANDY comes out of the office, biting back tears. She immediately starts running down the hall. EMILY Excuse me, where do you think you-- ANDY keeps running. 58 INT. RUNWAY - NIGEL'S OFFICE -- DAY 58 ANDY walks in, very upset. NIGEL looks up, surprised. ANDY She hates me, Nigel. NIGEL And that's my problem because -- wait, no. Not my problem. ANDY I need your help. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm completely beneath her contempt. NIGEL So quit. (CONTINUED) 38A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 58 CONTINUED: 58 She looks at him. What? NIGEL (CONT'D) We could replace you in five minutes. With someone who really wants this job. ANDY That's not fair. I'm lucky to be working for Miranda -- I didn't get that at first, but I do now. I want to be here. But it just seems like no matter how hard I try, I don't do anything right. (CONTINUED) 39. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 58 CONTINUED: (2) 58 NIGEL Andy, please. Be serious. You're not trying. You're whining. She looks shocked. NIGEL (CONT'D) You want me to say poor you, Miranda is picking on you? She's just doing her job. Wake up, Six. You're working at the place that first published some of the major artists of the century -- Halston, De La Renta, Lagerfeld. And what they made is cooler than art, because you live your life in it -- I mean, not you, but some people. This is not just a magazine. It's a shining beacon of hope for, oh, I don't know, say a young boy growing up in Rhode Island with six brothers, pretending to go to soccer practice when he was actually at sewing class and reading Runway at night under the covers with a flashlight. He picks up steam as he talks. NIGEL (CONT'D) You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls and what's worse, you don't care. Because this is a "stepping stone" for you. This place, that people would die to work, you deign to work. And you want to know why she doesn't give you a kiss on the forehead and put a gold star on your homework? ANDY Okay, fine! He looks at her. ANDY (CONT'D) You're right. I'm screwing this up. And I know this could be a big break for me. I'm going to try harder, I promise. But there's one thing I can't do by myself. She looks at him. He realizes what she's asking. (CONTINUED) 40. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 58 CONTINUED: (3) 58 NIGEL Oh, no. No way... ANDY You do it with the other girls. NIGEL The other girls are different. They really want it. ANDY Please, Nigel. Don't make me beg... He looks at her, thinking... 59 INT. RUNWAY - CLOSET -- DAY 59 NIGEL swings open the door to... ...a large room piled high with shoes, bags, clothes, furs, jewelry. ANDY follows, looking around at everything. NIGEL I don't know what you expect me to do. These are all sample sizes -- 2 and 4. He thinks, hands her an item. ANDY A... poncho? NIGEL You'll take what I give you and you'll like it. He looks around, assessing everything with a practiced eye. Then he starts flings clothing at ANDY. NIGEL (CONT'D) Versace peasant skirt -- we can pull it up, belt it, make it a dress... Miu Miu boyfriend cardigan... Alberta Ferretti dress -- smocked, very forgiving. And let's find you some Chanel. You're in desperate need of Chanel. As she catches the clothing. (CONTINUED) 41. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 59 CONTINUED: 59 NIGEL (CONT'D) Don't just stand there. We have to get you to the beauty department too. And God knows how long that will take. 60 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 60 EMILY is talking to SERENA. EMILY I have no idea why Miranda hired her. SERENA Me, neither. The other day we were in the Beauty Department and she held up the Shu Uemura eyelash curler and said "What is this?" They laugh at the total absurdity of this. EMILY I knew from the moment I saw her that she was a complete and utter-- And suddenly ANDY appears in her gorgeous clothes, her make- up impeccable, hair soft, loose and pretty. She looks grown-up, sexy and above all sophisticated. EMILY (CONT'D) (voice trailing) --disaster. ANDY sits down at her desk, pretends she didn't hear her. EMILY is still staring. ANDY'S phone rings. ANDY Miranda Priestly's office. She's not in. I'll leave word. She hangs up. EMILY is still gaping. ANDY (CONT'D) (in EMILY'S posh accent) Can I help you, luv? 61 EXT. NATE'S RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 61 ANDY waits for NATE outside his restaurant in the alley. He walk out, bantering with a couple other cooks. He starts to walk away, going... (CONTINUED) 41A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 61 CONTINUED: 61 ...right past ANDY. Stops. Walks back a few steps. He looks her up and down, stunned. ANDY What do you think? NATE I think we better get out of here before my girlfriend sees me with you. She smiles, grabs his hand and walks him down the alley. To where her town car is waiting. (CONTINUED) 42. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 61 CONTINUED: (2) 61 ANDY Wanna lift, stranger? MUSIC UP. THE MAKEOVER MONTAGE. 62 EXT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- DAY 62 We see ANDY exit her apartment, wearing a fabulous outfit... she walks behind a newsstand, emerging from the other side... in a completely different fabulous outfit... 62A&B EXT. SUBWAY -- DAY 62A&B She goes into the subway, then comes out of the subway in yet another great outfit... 62C&D EXT. STARBUCKS -- DAY 62C&D She enters Starbucks... emerges wearing another outfit, heads down the street... and walks behind a bus, emerging from the other side in one more fantastic outfit... 62E EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 62E Each outfit over the course of the montage improves on the one before... until we see ANDY walking in the plaza of Elias- Clarke, indistinguishable now from all the other CLACKERS. 62F INT. RUNWAY - RECEPTION - DAY 62F Andy walks through the reception area, walks behind a wall, and continues through the hallway in another fabulous outfit. 63 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE 63 ANDY enters. Sets a glass of Pellegrino down on the table. Just then MIRANDA enters, on the cell phone. MIRANDA The gowns are fabulous, Ralph. We're using the burgundy for the cover try and the lemon chiffon for the goddess story. And just then she looks up and sees ANDY. The transformed ANDY. And her reaction of approval is tiny, but it's there. Of course she keeps talking like she didn't notice a thing. 64 OMITTED 64 42A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 65 INT. BAR -- NIGHT 65 ANDY joins her friends and NATE. She plops an expensive, fancy Bang & Olufsen phone on the table. ANDY Bang & Olufsen. Charlie Rose sent it to Miranda for her birthday. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 43. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 65 CONTINUED: 65 ANDY (CONT'D) I looked it up online. It's 750 dollars. She doesn't want it, so Emily told me to keep it. Oprah sent a present. So did Jessica Simpson. And Nelson Mandela. NATE All for a woman who doesn't need anything. Perfect. She reaches into her bag, hands out perfume, cosmetics. Etc. ANDY Here... A bunch of Kiehl's, some Mason Pearson hair brushes... DOUG Dammit, I love your job. DOUG picks up one of the perfume bottles and is about to spray it on his hand when ANDY stops him. ANDY It's called "Pink". For women. DOUG Men can be pink. I have a pink side. LILY Please. We're eating. ANDY hands LILY a blue purse. LILY gasps. LILY (CONT'D) Where did you get this? This is the new Marc Jacobs, sold out everywhere. It's nineteen hundred dollars. I can't take this. But LILY'S already happily transferring her things from her old purse into the new one. ANDY Sure you can. NATE Why do women need so many bags? You get one, it holds all your junk, aren't you done? (CONTINUED) 44. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 65 CONTINUED: (2) 65 DOUG Fashion is not about utility, Nate. An accessory is merely a piece of iconography used to express individual identity. LILY And it's preeeetty. DOUG That too. ANDY Thing is, it turns out there's a lot more to Runway than fancy purses... you know who's coming into the office Friday? John Updike. NATE Why, does he need a sweater? They all laugh. ANDY plucks the current issue of Runway out of her purse. ANDY (a bit peeved) Look, there's a piece by Jay McInerney, an essay by Joan Didion, an interview with Christiane Amanpour oh... NATE Look who's drinking the KoolAid. She gives him a look. Just then ANDY'S cell phone rings. MIRANDA. NATE grabs it. ANDY Give me the phone. He checks the name on the phone. NATE Oh, look. The Dragon Lady. Of course. ANDY Give me the phone. ANDY grabs for the phone. NATE tosses it to LILY. (CONTINUED) 45. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 65 CONTINUED: (3) 65 LILY I'll talk to her. Tell her she needs to get her own scrambled eggs. She tosses it to DOUG. ANDY practically tackles him, grabs the phone away. ANDY Come on, guys. Give me the phone! They are all stunned by her vehemence. Including ANDY. ANDY (CONT'D) Hello, Miranda. (beat) Fine. No problem. I'm leaving right now. (hangs up) You guys didn't need to be such assholes. She exits. And all her friends exchange a look. 66 & 67 OMITTED 66 & 67 68 EXT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- NIGHT 68 ANDY pulls up in front of a loft building in Tribeca. 69 INT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- NIGHT 69 ANDY rings the buzzer. No answer but she can hear VOICES behind the door. She pushes it and it opens. Inside is a loft with a party going on. ANDY looks around -- it's one of those New York parties you think you'll never be invited to. She walks over to one of the super hot women. ANDY I'm looking for James Holt... She points to a handsome man by the window. JAMES HOLT, one of the top designers, 40's, muscular, tan, impeccable. ANDY walks over to him. ANDY (CONT'D) Hi, I'm Andy. I'm picking up for Miranda Priestly. (CONTINUED) 46. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 69 CONTINUED: 69 JAMES You must be the new Emily. Let me see. He checks her out. Looks at her handbag. JAMES (CONT'D) Open-woven leather, pieced by hand and finished with a suede trim. Who made this fantastic thing? ANDY You. JAMES Duh. He hands her a folio with a handle. JAMES (CONT'D) It's a sketch of Miranda's dress for the benefit, the centerpiece of my spring collection. Top secret stuff. ANDY takes the folio. ANDY I'll guard it with my life. JAMES Come on. You work for Miranda, you must be in desperate need of hard liquor. He walks her to the bar. She tries not to stare at the party GUESTS... is that Lenny Kravitz? Is that Julian Schnabel? JAMES (CONT'D) (to the BARTENDER) She'll have the punch. (hands her the punch) It's deadly. Have fun! And he walks away. ANDY clutches the glass of punch. CHRISTIAN He's right. I had the punch at James's last party, woke up in Hoboken wearing nothing but boxers and a cowboy hat. She looks over. Sees a great-looking, sophisticated man in his 30's who has an air of mischief. CHRISTIAN THOMPSON. (CONTINUED) 47. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 69 CONTINUED: (2) 69 ANDY Hi. I, um... I have to go. CHRISTIAN But you want to stay. You've never been to a party like this. ANDY God, I love it when total strangers tell me how I feel. CHRISTIAN That's my way. (extends his hand) Christian Thompson. ANDY Christian Thompson? You're kidding. You write for every magazine I love. I actually reviewed your collection of essays for my college paper. CHRISTIAN Did you mention my good looks and killer charm? ANDY No, but I did point out some factual errors and a penchant for confessional semi-fiction that borders on self-indulgent. CHRISTIAN You and the Times. (laughs) And what do you do? ANDY Well, I want to work somewhere like the New Yorker or Vanity Fair. I'm also a writer, but-- CHRISTIAN Is that right? I should read your stuff. Send it over. ANDY Thank you. That would be great. Anyway, for now I'm Miranda Priestly's assistant. And his expression immediately changes. (CONTINUED) 48. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 69 CONTINUED: (3) 69 CHRISTIAN You're kidding. Oh, that's too bad. You'll never survive Miranda. ANDY Excuse me? CHRISTIAN You're smart, you're nice, you have a point of view. You can't do that job. ANDY hands him her glass of punch. ANDY I have to go. She starts to leave. CHRISTIAN Let me guess. You have a boyfriend waiting. From... not high school... college? Nice-looking guy, devoted, about to ask you to move in with him, but you're not sure... She stares at him. Appalled. And, you know, intrigued. ANDY You. Are not a nice person. CHRISTIAN Nice to meet you, Miranda girl. He walks away. Steam practically pours out of her ears. ANDY For your information, he's really handsome. And we already live together! This doesn't cause him to turn around, though it does cause a few other people to stare. ANDY walks away, embarrassed. 70 EXT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT 70 ANDY'S walking back towards her and NATE'S apartment, holding the folio. She crosses paths with NATE. NATE You got the nuclear briefcase from the undisclosed location. I'm proud of you. (CONTINUED) 49. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 70 CONTINUED: 70 ANDY (surprised) Where are you going? NATE Doug and some of his banker buddies are playing Texas Hold `Em at his apartment. Gonna go get me some of that Wall Street cash. ANDY But I came back so we could hang out. NATE (lightly) Man, I'm sorry. You didn't make that crystal clear when you stormed off after calling me an asshole. ANDY Okay, look, I'm sorry about that-- He gives her a kiss. NATE I'll see you later, okay? Just then NATE'S cell phone rings. NATE picks up. NATE (CONT'D) Hello? (the way ANDY talks to MIRANDA) Sure, Doug! I'll get on it ASAP! A six- pack? No problem. Budweiser or Michelob? Chilled? Of course... ANDY looks at him, hand on hip as he walks away. Very funny. 71 OMITTED 71 72 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- LATER -- DAY 72 We see MIRANDA, studying the sketches JAMES sent over, spread out in the folio. MIRANDA Emily! ANDY walks into MIRANDA'S office. (CONTINUED) 50. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 72 CONTINUED: 72 MIRANDA (CONT'D) Call James Holt's office. Tell them I want to move the preview to today at 12:30. And tell everyone else. Be ready to leave in half an hour. 73 & 74 OMITTED 73 & 74 75 INT. RUNWAY - HALLWAY -- DAY 75 NIGEL looks surprised. NIGEL They're not expecting us until Tuesday. Did she say why? ANDY Yes, she explained every detail of her decision-making, then we brushed each other's hair and gabbed about American Idol. NIGEL I see your point. 76 EXT. STREET -- DAY 76 MIRANDA and ANDY ride along in heavy traffic. MIRANDA is tapping her foot, impatient. ANDY (O.S.) What's a preview, anyway? NIGEL (O.S.) Miranda insists on seeing all the designer's collections before they show them. ANDY (O.S.) And she tells them what she thinks? NIGEL (O.S.) In her way. There's a scale. One nod, good. More than one nod -- very good. There is only one actual smile on record -- Tom Ford, 2001. If she doesn't like it, she shakes her head. 76A INT. TOWN CAR -- DAY 76A Finally she leans forward to HENRY, the driver. (CONTINUED) 51. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 76A CONTINUED: 76A MIRANDA Just let us out here. She gets out. ANDY scrambles to grab her stuff and follow. 77 INT. RUNWAY - DAY 77 NIGEL shakes his head. NIGEL And then there's the pursing of the lips. ANDY What does that mean? NIGEL Catastrophe. 78 & 79 OMITTED 78 & 79 80 INT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- DAY 80 MIRANDA walks in the elevator. ANDY hesitates, unsure if she's permitted to be in the elevator with her. Okay, fine. 81 INT. JAMES HOLT'S ELEVATOR -- DAY 81 Beat. MIRANDA and ANDY ride up together. ANDY Last time I was here, James was having this cool party and-- (off MIRANDA's look) --and this is why you don't like people riding up in the elevator with you. MIRANDA smiles a tight little smile. Precisely. 82 EXT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- DAY 82 Another town car pulls up and NIGEL, LUCIA, JOCELYN and some of the other Runway editors and assistants pile out. 83 INT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- DAY 83 MIRANDA walks in. JAMES is standing there with his staff and his Public Relations team. JAMES is clearly buzzing. JAMES Miranda. Great to see you. (CONTINUED) 52. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 83 CONTINUED: 83 MIRANDA diligently kisses both of his cheeks. JAMES (CONT'D) You got the sketches for your dress. MIRANDA Yes. I did. Beat. And she conspicuously does not say she liked them. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Thank you. And her tone is very remote. And now we can see JAMES really start to quake. MIRANDA arranges herself on the Mies daybed, legs folded, ramrod straight. The other RUNWAY editors -- NIGEL, JOCELYN and LUCIA and their assistants, stand behind MIRANDA. JAMES and his people stand off to the side as a few fit MODELS begin walking out in various outfits. JAMES This season I started to think about the intersection of East and West... No one in the room watches anything except -- MIRANDA'S reaction. As JAMES speaks, we dissolve from outfit to outfit. JAMES is trying desperately to impress MIRANDA. He's practically tap- dancing. JAMES (CONT'D) I didn't want to do, say, a blonde in a kimono. It's more about capturing the Eastern sensibility in the Western woman. Kind of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill in a kick ass dress with an obi belt. The modern woman as Geisha meets rock star, with a little Desperate Housewives thrown in. Suddenly, there's a glimpse of movement from Miranda -- could it be a nod? Everyone holds their breath. No, she's just straightening her glasses. JAMES (CONT'D) And this, of course, is the dress we're making for you. (CONTINUED) 53. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 83 CONTINUED: (2) 83 An overly busy red dress with too many fashion ideas being attempted at one time. JAMES (CONT'D) A lush Asian fabric, tailored, but with a bit of movement to work against the modernism. And suddenly, there it is, the kiss of death. The dreaded pursing of the lips. 84 EXT. STREET -- DAY 84 The Runway team files out, MIRANDA first. ANDY and NIGEL walk together. ANDY (sotto voce) She pursed her lips and because of that he's going to change his entire collection? NIGEL You still don't get it, do you? Her opinion is the only one that matters. MIRANDA, about to get into the town car, turns to ANDY. MIRANDA Make sure you confirm my dinner with-- ANDY --Galliano at Pastis. Done. MIRANDA And I need to see the look book for the November denim shoot. ANDY It's in the car. MIRANDA Fine. MIRANDA turns to leave, pauses. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Oh, and you'll be bringing The Book to my home tonight. Emily will give you the key, Andrea. 54. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 85 OMITTED 85 86 INT. RUNWAY -- DAY 86 CLOSE ON A key, as EMILY hands it to ANDY. EMILY Guard this with your life. ANDY Of course. If I can deliver the Book, that means I must have done something right, that she doesn't think I'm psycho. Oh, and she actually called me Andrea instead of Emily. Isn't that great? EMILY (deadpan) Yeah. Whoopee. Okay, now, it's very important that you do EXACTLY what I'm about to tell you. 87 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- NIGHT 87 We hear EMILY'S voiceover as we see this happening. EMILY (V.O.) The Book is assembled by 10 or 10:30, so you must wait around until then. We see ANDY, waiting. The area around MIRANDA'S office is totally quiet. 88 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- NIGHT 88 ANDY drifts in and looks at MIRANDA'S office -- the pictures of her with everyone from Desmond Tutu to Paris Hilton. Then ANDY walks over to MIRANDA'S pristine white couch. Sits on it. Hell, why not. Lies down on it. Gingerly. Then-- INTERCOM (loud) Book's ready! And ANDY startles and falls completely off the couch. 54A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 89 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- NIGHT 89 An editorial ASSISTANT brings ANDY The Book. It's heavy. EMILY (V.O.) You'll be delivering Miranda's dry cleaning with the book. We see ANDY removing the dry cleaning from the closet -- about a dozen garments on hangers. 55. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 90 EXT. STREET/INT. TOWN CAR -- NIGHT 90 ANDY whisks across town. It's late, the streets are quiet. EMILY (V.O.) The driver will take you to Miranda's townhouse. 90A EXT. STREET -- NIGHT 90A ANDY unloads the car and walks up the flight of stairs in front of the townhouse, carrying the book and dry cleaning. She takes out a key. EMILY (V.O.) Let yourself in. ANDY takes a deep breath and turns the lock. 91 INT. FOYER -- NIGHT 91 ANDY steps into a marble-floored foyer with a large staircase looming right in front of her. 92 OMITTED 92 93 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 93 On EMILY, intense. EMILY Do not talk to anyone. Do not look at anyone. That is of the utmost importance. You must be invisible. Do you understand? 94 OMITTED 94 95 INT. MIRANDA'S FOYER -- NIGHT 95 ANDY steps inside, her footsteps echoing through the foyer. EMILY (V.O.) Open the door, walk across the foyer, then hang the dry cleaning in the closet across from the staircase. ANDY looks. There are two identical doors on each side of the staircase. Dammit. (CONTINUED) 56. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 95 CONTINUED: 95 EMILY (V.O.) (CONT'D) And leave the Book on the table with the flowers. ANDY looks. There are one, two, three tables... all in different areas of the house. She looks very confused. ANDY Shit. Suddenly she hears a noise. She looks up and sees two girls of about 12, CASSIDY and CAROLINE, peering down the staircase. CASSIDY It's that door. On the left. ANDY hangs the dry cleaning. The girls call down. CAROLINE You can give us the Book. CASSIDY We'll give it to her. ANDY shakes her head. No no no. CAROLINE It's okay. Come on up. ANDY But I can't... Shh... CASSIDY It's okay. And ANDY, unsure what to do, starts to walk up the stairs. She gets about halfway up when she hears voices... MIRANDA and her husband, STEPHEN are in the dining room, a sliver of which is visible from the foyer. MIRANDA What did you want me to do? Walk out in the middle of a photo shoot? ANDY freezes. (CONTINUED) 57. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 95 CONTINUED: (2) 95 STEPHEN I rushed out of an investment committee meeting early, then I sat there waiting for you for almost an hour... MIRANDA We were in a loft near the Seaport. My phone didn't work. I told you. STEPHEN ...and I knew what everyone in the restaurant was thinking. There he is, waiting for HER again-- And as he says this he stops, curious. There on the stairs, head peeking into the second floor, is ANDY, frozen. With the TWINS smiling at her. And before ANDY can stop herself, her eyes float over to STEPHEN'S. Eye contact. Her heart does a flip. And her eyes dart over to MIRANDA and they make eye contact as well... ... and MIRANDA gives ANDY a look of utter coldness, disgust and judgement. ANDY freezes. 96 EXT. STREET -- NIGHT 96 ANDY closes the door to the townhouse, heart pounding. 97 INT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT 97 ANDY crawls into bed next to NATE, heart racing, and looks up at the ceiling, freaking out. 98 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 98 ANDY walks in, already bracing herself, and runs into EMILY, emerging from MIRANDA'S office, very upset. ANDY Okay, before you start freaking out, it wasn't such a big deal. The twins said hello, I said hello back, then I went upstairs and gave the book to Miranda-- EMILY You went upstairs? Oh my God. Why didn't you just climb into bed with her and ask for a bedtime story? (CONTINUED) 58. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 98 CONTINUED: 98 ANDY You're right. I made a mistake. EMILY Don't you understand? If you get fired, that might jeopardize Paris for me. And if that happens, I will search every Blimpie's in the tri-state area until I find you and kill you. ANDY Wait a second. She's going to fire me? EMILY I don't know. She's not happy. And they hear MIRANDA'S voice, ringing out from the office. MIRANDA An-dre-a. ANDY and EMILY exchange a look. Oh, boy. 99 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 99 ANDY walks in, apprehensive. ANDY Miranda, about last night, I-- MIRANDA I need the new Harry Potter book for the twins. ANDY Of course. I'll run down to Barnes & Noble right now. MIRANDA Did you fall down and smack your little head on the pavement? ANDY Not that I can recall. MIRANDA We have all the published Harry Potter books. The girls want to know what happens next. ANDY stands there a moment, fully aware of the impossibility of what MIRANDA just asks. (CONTINUED) 59. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 99 CONTINUED: 99 ANDY So you want the... unpublished manuscript. MIRANDA gives her a look. Is there a problem? MIRANDA We know everyone in publishing. Shouldn't be a problem. (beat) You can do anything, right? 100 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- LATER 100 ANDY paces, panicky. EMILY watches her. ANDY She doesn't get it. There's no way I can get that book. I don't care who I call. Just then MIRANDA walks out. ANDY springs up to get her coat. MIRANDA My girls are leaving on the train to their Grandmother's at 3. They'll need the book by then. ANDY Of course. MIRANDA I'd like my steak in fifteen minutes. ANDY No problem. MIRANDA exits. ANDY (CONT'D) Great. I have to get the impossible manuscript in four hours. And Smith and Wollensky's doesn't open until 11:30. How am I supposed to get the steak? (paces) She's going to fire me, isn't she? She's just prolonging the kill. Like an evil cat with a tiny unfashionable mouse. (CONTINUED) 60. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 100 CONTINUED: 100 EMILY Oh look, you're getting paranoid. Yay. It's not just me. Listen, don't freak out. There could be a silver lining here. ANDY looks at her. Really? EMILY (CONT'D) When Miranda gives someone an impossible task, it generally means one of two things. One, she thinks you can actually pull it off. ANDY Or-- EMILY Or, you know, that thing you were saying about the cat. 101 EXT. STREET - DAY 101 We see ANDY racing down the street. 102 EXT. SMITH AND WOLLENSKY'S -- DAY 102 ANDY flies into frame on the phone... ANDY It's for Miranda Priestly... it's very important. Yes, I know, it's impossible to get... ...she raps on the door of the closed restaurant. The MANAGER recognizes her, lets her in. 103 INT. SMITH AND WOLLENSKY'S -- DAY 103 From the bar, ANDY watches the steak sizzle, pacing nervously. ANDY'S cell phone rings. She grabs it. ANDY Anything? Can you try again? I would really appreciate any leads at all... thanks. No pressure. If I don't have it by 3, I'm fired. MARTY What an amazing job, working for someone like Ms. Priestly. (CONTINUED) 61. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 103 CONTINUED: 103 ANDY Yeah. It's a real party. ANDY walks towards the door. And suddenly something catches ANDY'S eye... We see what ANDY'S looking at -- an ad on the side of the bus stop advertising the latest issue of the New Yorker. ANDY sees a familiar name: CHRISTIAN THOMPSON. 104 INT. TAXI -- DAY 104 CHRISTIAN answers his cell phone. ANDY (O.S.) You probably don't remember me. We met at James Holt's party and I work for Miranda Priestly and-- CHRISTIAN Of course I remember you, Miranda Girl. You shaken off the college boyfriend yet? 104pt EXT. STREET -- DAY 104pt ANDY on the cell phone. ANDY Listen. I desperately need a favor. And I don't know many people in the book world... On CHRISTIAN, getting out of a taxi. CHRISTIAN The Harry Potter manuscript? You've gotta be kidding. ANDY (O.S.) I'm sorry to ask you. I'm desperate. CHRISTIAN Just tell her it can't be done. You'll have to come up with a plan B. On ANDY. ANDY We're talking about Miranda Priestly. There is no plan B, only plan A. 62. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 105 INT. RUNWAY - HALLWAY -- DAY 105 ANDY runs down the hall with MIRANDA'S food, passing EMILY. ANDY Is she back? Am I fired? EMILY You know, I rarely say this to people who aren't me, but you need to calm down. ANDY ignores her, racing around getting the dishes and silverware for MIRANDA'S steak. 106 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 106 We see the steak, prettily arranged on MIRANDA'S china. ANDY sets up the salt and pepper. MIRANDA walks in. When MIRANDA sees the steak, she freezes. MIRANDA What is that doing here? I ordered it ages ago. ANDY looks confused. Ages? MIRANDA (CONT'D) Luckily, before I starved to death, Irv invited me to lunch. (re: steak) Get rid of that. I'll be back at 3. Please have my Starbucks order waiting. And before she exits... MIRANDA (CONT'D) And if you don't have the Harry Potter book by then, don't come back. 107 INT. RUNWAY - KITCHEN -- DAY 107 ANDY carries a tray with all the food on it into the kitchen. A beat. She looks down at the tray. And suppresses an urge to throw the whole thing at the wall. She positions the tray over the garbage and tilts it, letting everything -- steak, china, silverware -- fall into the can. 63. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 108 INT. STARBUCKS -- DAY 108 ANDY is getting MIRANDA'S coffee. ANDY (on the cell phone) Harry Potter. (jump cut) The manuscript. (jump cut) It's for Miranda Priestly. (jump cut to) I need it today. (to the BARRISTA) Can you make it extra hot? Like, center of the sun hot? The BARRISTA gives her a look. ANDY (CONT'D) Sorry, my boss is particular. (into phone) Are you sure? You're my last shot. (sighs) All right, well, thanks for trying. She hangs up. The BARRISTA hands her the coffee. BARRISTA Sounds like a great job. ANDY Actually, it is. A million girls would kill for it. And she starts to laugh. The girl stares at her. 109 EXT. STARBUCKS -- DAY 109 ANDY walks out of the Starbucks with the order on a tray. ANDY stands there a moment. People bustle around her, as she finds herself at a literal crossroads. She looks up at the building. Suddenly she stops a PASSERBY who looks at her, curious. Yeah, lady? ANDY Want a mocha? And ANDY starts passing Starbucks to people on the street. 64. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 110 INT. NATE'S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN -- DAY 110 NATE on the phone. Intercut with him and ANDY on the street. NATE Quit? Are you sure? ANDY I failed. She's going to fire me anyway. Might as well beat her to the punch. NATE Wow. Good for you. Congratulations, Andy. You're free. ANDY Call you later. ANDY hangs up, and immediately her phone rings again. She looks down. Assuming it's NATE. ANDY (CONT'D) Hello? CHRISTIAN (O.S.) I'm brilliant. Really. Monuments should be erected in my honor. WE INTERCUT 110pt EXT. STREET -- DAY 110pt Between ANDY and CHRISTIAN, also walking down the street. ANDY You didn't. CHRISTIAN Oh yes. A friend of a friend does the cover art. She has the manuscript. ANDY No. That would mean I actually... did something right. (stunned) But see... thing is... See, I was about to... And we see ANDY. She looks up at the Elias-Clarke building, teetering on a precipice. (CONTINUED) 65. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 110pt CONTINUED: 110pt CHRISTIAN You want this, you better hurry. Meet me at the St. Regis. 110pu EXT. STREET -- DAY 110pu Establishing St. Regis. ANDY runs down the street to the St. Regis. ST. REGIS BUTLER Welcome to the St. Regis. Is there anything I can assist you with? ANDY Yes, I'm meeting someone... The butler opens the door for Andy. ST. REGIS BUTLER Right this way. He escorts her into the St. Regis. 111 INT. KING COLE BAR -- DAY 111 CHRISTIAN is having drinks. ANDY runs in. He hands her a manuscript. CHRISTIAN You have one hour. 111A INT. STAPLES -- DAY 111A ANDY is xeroxing the manuscript and talking on the phone. ANDY I'm begging you. You have to stall her. Just ten minutes. 111B EXT. STREET/INT. TOWN CAR -- DAY 111B We see HENRY, driving MIRANDA. He hangs up the cell phone. Then he turns down a side street. MIRANDA catches his eye in the mirror. What the hell? HENRY Too much traffic on 5th. UN's in session. MIRANDA makes an annoyed face. (CONTINUED) 65A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 111B CONTINUED: 111B 112-114 OMITTED 112-114 115 INT. RUNWAY - HALLWAY 115 The tray with Miranda's Starbucks on it... We follow it down the hall and see it being set on MIRANDA'S desk. And beside it lands boom! an envelope. Widen out to see-- 115A INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY. 115A MIRANDA, looking at the envelope. And then we see ANDY. She stands there, quiet, calm. And if MIRANDA is amazed by what ANDY did, she doesn't show it. She opens the envelope, looks in. MIRANDA One copy? What are my twins supposed to do with that... share? ANDY Actually I made two copies. And had them color-copied, re-set and bound so they wouldn't look like manuscripts. She smiles. MIRANDA nods, but still won't concede the point. MIRANDA And where exactly are those fabulous copies? I don't see them anywhere. 116 INT. TRAIN -- DAY 116 The MetroNorth from New York City to Bedford. In the front row, we see two girls in matching outfits with two matching Harry Potter manuscripts. The twins, with their NANNY beside them. 66. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 117 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 117 ANDY smiles at MIRANDA. Her faith in herself restored. ANDY (brightly) Anything else I can do for you? 118 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 118 ANDY walks out. The CLACKERS stream in and out of the building. And ANDY raises her arms and does a victory dance, now graceful in her stilettos. People stare. Doesn't bother her. 119 INT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT 119 ANDY is making a small diorama of the planetary system. NATE walks in. He's carrying a bag of groceries. NATE I went over to Dean & DeLuca -- man, they charge like five bucks a strawberry, but I figured, you quit, we should celebrate. ANDY Listen, Nate-- And he sees what she's doing. Realizes. NATE So you quit, but you're still doing the twins' science project. Big of you. ANDY After I called you, I realized... It doesn't make sense to throw away all these months of hard work. I just had a moment of weakness. That's all. NATE Either that or your job sucks and your boss is a wacko. She looks at him. NATE (CONT'D) Okay. Whatever. It's your job. (CONTINUED) 67. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 119 CONTINUED: 119 ANDY That's all it is, Nate. Just a job. NATE No, no. It's an important magazine. That's what you said, right? He sees the latest issue of Runway. Picks it up. NATE (CONT'D) Let's see... How to buy a custom-made 600 dollar bra. That's important. A list of the 10 best wrinkle creams under $500. That's important. ANDY I get the point, Nate. He continues leafing through. NATE The new Botox. The new pea coat. The new (wrestling with the word) Gstaad. What the hell is-- ANDY Gstaad. It's a ski resort. In Switzerland. NATE See? I now live with someone who knows that. Thank you, Miranda Priestly. ANDY Nate, it's not like I run the magazine. I just work there, remember? NATE doesn't say anything, keeps putting away groceries. She walks over to him. ANDY (CONT'D) I'm the same person I was. I still want the same things. But he doesn't look too convinced. ANDY (CONT'D) I promise. Same Andy, better clothes. (CONTINUED) 68. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 119 CONTINUED: (2) 119 NATE That's the thing -- I liked your old clothes. ANDY (re: her shoes) What about these? These are pretty nice. He doesn't take the bait. ANDY (CONT'D) And this skirt? (nothing) Okay. What about this? She unbuttons her shirt, revealing a bra that costs more than every item of clothing NATE owns combined. Beat. NATE I like that. He grabs her and kisses her. 119A INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY 119A The senior staff members are gathered around a table -- NIGEL, JOCELYN, LUCIA, a few others including PAUL, the art director of the magazine. NIGEL ...Posen's doing some very sculptural suits, so Testino wants to shoot them at the Noguchi Garden in the Chase building. MIRANDA Perfect. What about the accessories pages for April? JOCELYN One thought was enamel -- bangles, pendants, earrings-- MIRANDA We did that two years ago. What else? JOCELYN Well, they're showing a lot of florals for spring and so-- (CONTINUED) 68A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 119A CONTINUED: 119A MIRANDA Florals. For spring. Groundbreaking. PAUL But we thought about shooting them in an industrial space. She looks at him. Death ray. He soldiers on. PAUL (CONT'D) We thought the contrast between the femininity of the florals-- And she's still just staring. He continues falling forward. PAUL (CONT'D) --and the um, the more raw, rough-hewn nature of the backdrop would create a tension which-- MIRANDA No. PAUL --which-- MIRANDA No. Just then EMILY walks in with a note for MIRANDA. (CONTINUED) 69. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 119A CONTINUED: (2) 119A Before she can get all the way across the room, EMILY dissolves into hacking coughs. MIRANDA gives her a look, then turns back to her staff. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Anyone have anything I can actually use? 120 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 120 ANDY is at her desk. EMILY walks back, blowing her nose, rubbing her eyes -- basically, a Nyquil ad. ANDY Are you okay? EMILY Tonight's the benefit. I've been looking forward to it for MONTHS. I refuse to be sick. I'm wearing Valentino. (blows her nose) Everyone's going to be leaving to get dressed soon, so after you drop off Miranda's Fendi bag at the re-beaders, you can just go home. ANDY Great. Thanks. That's perfect, because I need to get to Magnolia Bakery before they close... ANDY grabs her purse and, from under her desk, she retrieves a wrapped present. ANDY (CONT'D) ...it's Nate's birthday and we're having a little party for him-- EMILY looks at her. Too sick and too Emily to care. ANDY (CONT'D) Anyway, have fun tonight. 120A INT. LOBBY -- DAY 120A ANDY, feeling liberated, walks out, carrying the present and a shopping bag with MIRANDA'S bag in it. And that's when her cell rings. 69A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 121 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 121 ANDY and EMILY walk in together, looking confused. (CONTINUED) 70. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 121 CONTINUED: 121 MIRANDA I want to make sure before the benefit that you are both fully prepped on the guest list. ANDY and EMILY exchange a look. ANDY Um... I thought only the first assistant went to the benefit. MIRANDA Only when the first assistant hasn't decided to be disgustingly ill. You'll come and help Emily. On EMILY and ANDY'S surprised faces. 122 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 122 They walk out. EMILY is clearly peeved. EMILY I don't see why she needs both of us. Eight second coughing fit. ANDY Don't look at me. This is the last thing I want to do. EMILY dumps something on ANDY'S lap -- a book of what looks like mug shots. EMILY These are all the guests. Miranda invites everyone. We have to make sure they all think she knows exactly who they are. I've been studying for weeks. ANDY I need to learn all these people by tonight? EMILY Don't be silly. She pulls out another big book of headshots. EMILY (CONT'D) You have to learn these too. 71. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 123 INT. CLOSET -- DAY 123 NIGEL is looking for a gown for ANDY. ANDY is on the cell phone. ANDY Lily, just start without me. I'll be there as soon as I can. 123A INT. GALLERY -- DAY 123A We see LILY at the gallery where she works. LILY Okay, but hurry. 123B INT. CLOSET -- DAY 123B ANDY on the phone. ANDY I will. I promise. Believe me, this is the last thing I want to-- Just then NIGEL holds up a dress. ANDY (CONT'D) Oh, I love that. (back to LILY) I'll call you the second I'm leaving. She hangs up. ANDY (CONT'D) Will that fit me? NIGEL Of course. A few extra yards of fabric and a staple gun and we're in business. 124 INT. RUNWAY - STUDIO -- LATER 124 We see ANDY from behind as the MAKEUP ARTIST applies the finishing touches. He studies her. NIGEL Remember, there are two keys to wearing an evening gown -- one is to maintain a regal bearing. The second-- (CONTINUED) 71A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 124 CONTINUED: 124 He mimes adjusting one's boobs in a strapless dress. NIGEL (CONT'D) Make sure the girls face forward. The makeup artist steps away and NIGEL and ANDY both study her in the mirror. NIGEL (CONT'D) Not bad. How do you feel? 125 EXT. STREET/INT. TOWN CAR -- NIGHT 125 We see a limousine gliding through the streets... ANDY (V.O.) Let's see. My feet are killing me, everything pinches... 126 EXT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY -- NIGHT 126 All lit for a gala charity benefit. A red carpet lined with notables leads up the steps. ANDY (V.O.) ...my breasts are squeezed into a ball and this hairpiece is like having a boulder pinned to my head... And suddenly the door to the town car opens and ANDY steps out onto the red carpet. And she looks unbelievable, gorgeous, perfect. ANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D) Never felt better. ANDY walks up the red carpet where she catches sight of NIGEL, talking to reporters on the red carpet. NIGEL ...this benefit is the social event of the season. It represents what Runway is about -- grace, style, elegance... As he says "elegance", he catches sight of ANDY, smiles and does a smaller version of the "adjusting the girls" gesture. ANDY smiles at him and walks on. (CONTINUED) 72. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 126 CONTINUED: 126 Just then EMILY spots ANDY. EMILY Oh my God, Andy. You look... chic. But ANDY is busy staring at EMILY, in her strapless dress. ANDY And you look... so thin. EMILY (flattered) Do I? It's for Paris. I'm on a new diet. I don't eat anything, and then, when I feel like I'm about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese. ANDY It's definitely working. EMILY I know. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight. ANDY That's... great. EMILY smiles proudly, then dissolves into another round of bone-rattling coughs. EMILY Ready? 127 INT. LIBRARY -- NIGHT 127 ANDY and EMILY enter. It's beautiful. Everything in sight is white -- white tulips, bone white china, white candles. All the GUESTS are in black or white. EMILY looks around. (CONTINUED) 73. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: 127 EMILY We need to make sure we're there the second she walks in. ANDY I was wondering how long you think we'll have to stay because I was hoping to-- EMILY There she is. Just then MIRANDA walks in. She's wearing the awkward dress from JAMES'S sketches, made over to perfection. EMILY and ANDY rush over to MIRANDA. QUICK CUTS at the ball. ANDY and EMILY stand at MIRANDA's side as she fields greetings. EMILY whispers to MIRANDA. EMILY (CONT'D) John Folger. New artistic director, Circle in the Square. MIRANDA John. Good to see you. She greets him. Just then we see a distinguished man in an impeccable European suit. MASSIMO. ANDY That's Massimo Cortileono, chairman of- EMILY (shushes ANDY) She knows him. MIRANDA Massimo, you made it. I was worried you'd be too busy with your new factory in Ortezzano-- MASSIMO I would never miss a chance to see you, Miranda, darling. (CONTINUED) 73A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: (2) 127 A DISTINGUISHED COUPLE approaches. Walks towards MIRANDA, ANDY and EMILY. MIRANDA holds her smile, waiting for information. MIRANDA (smiling) Emily? EMILY racks her brain. Which goes blank. She starts to panic. EMILY (fumbling) That's... Wait... I know who that is... It's... Seeing EMILY struggle, ANDY leans in to MIRANDA. ANDY Ambassador Franklin. And that's the woman he left his wife for, Rebecca. The woman he's leaving HER for is the man walking down the stairs in Valentino. MIRANDA greets the couple. MIRANDA Ambassador, Rebecca. EMILY whispers to ANDY. EMILY Thanks. Just then ANDY sees a very fashionable WOMAN, with a more avant-garde look than MIRANDA, headed for them. And she's being escorted by none other than... IRV. EMILY whispers to ANDY. (CONTINUED) 74. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: (3) 127 ANDY (trying to remember what she studied) That's... Jacqueline Follet, right? From French Runway. EMILY Yes. Oh my God. Miranda hates her. She was supposed to arrive after Miranda left... As she says this we see MIRANDA greeting JACQUELINE "warmly". MIRANDA Ah, Bonsoir, Cherie. Ta robe est rudement chouette. JACQUELINE I like your dress too. Very... Americaine. Sportif. MIRANDA Thank you for coming to our little get together tonight. JACQUELINE Of course. I plan my whole year around it. MIRANDA And we're all so grateful. JACQUELINE After all, we're family, no? She smiles at IRV, who smiles right back. MIRANDA smiles too, but looks like she'd rather throw darts at JACQUELINE. ANDY quickly steps forward. ANDY Alors, Jacqueline, ditez-moi, avez- vous rencontré Brad Pitt? JACQUELINE Ah, no... Pas encore... And ANDY pulls JACQUELINE across the room. LATER, the party is in full swing. EMILY and ANDY are with MIRANDA, who is talking to a group of luminaries including IRV. (CONTINUED) 74A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: (4) 127 EMILY turns to ANDY and whispers. EMILY You can go. I've got it from here. ANDY Are you sure? EMILY Go. Have fun. And for the first time they seem like friends. (CONTINUED) 75. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: (5) 127 ANDY (amazed) Thank you. Thank you so much. But just as ANDY'S about to leave, STEPHEN appears, quite drunk, and joins MIRANDA'S group. MIRANDA Darling, there you are. STEPHEN It's a banner evening. Three people have failed to recognize me, one person called me Mr. Priestly, and now the damned bartender refuses to serve me. Everyone looks uncomfortable. STEPHEN turns to IRV. STEPHEN (CONT'D) Why don't you get me a drink? He's gotta listen to you, right, little guy? Everyone freezes. MIRANDA forces a laugh. An awful beat. And ANDY leaps in, quickly turns to IRV, distracting him. ANDY I'm sorry to bother you, but I've been dying to ask you... Is it true that John Cheever used to ghostwrite the editor's page of Manhattan Magazine in the 50's?... And while she chats with him, MIRANDA puts her arm around her husband and leads him gently away. MIRANDA Come on, darling, let's get something to eat. I'm starved, aren't you? And as she walks away, MIRANDA turns. And MIRANDA mouths the words "Thank You" to ANDY. ANDY'S eyes go wide in disbelief. Then she smiles. Yes! 128 EXT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY -- NIGHT 128 ANDY trots down the steps, starting to take down her hair as she races to the car. (CONTINUED) 75A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 128 CONTINUED: 128 Suddenly she looks up. And sees CHRISTIAN, walking up the steps, looking better than anyone ever should in a tuxedo. He smiles and clutches his heart like he's been shot by cupid. CHRISTIAN Look at you... you're a vision. Thank God I saved your job. (CONTINUED) 76. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 128 CONTINUED: (2) 128 ANDY Hey, I figured out a few things on my own, too. Turns out I'm not as nice as you thought. CHRISTIAN God I hope not. He openly admires her in a way that makes it clear he's imagining her with the dress off. CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) If you didn't have that stupid boyfriend, I'd have to whisk you away right here and now. ANDY Do you really say things like that to people? CHRISTIAN Evidently. ANDY I have to go... CHRISTIAN Are you sure? My editor from Vanity Fair is in there and I was going to introduce you to him. (off her look, surprised) You sent me your stuff, remember? I have to be honest, I only read a couple -- that was quite a big packet - - but they weren't half-bad. You're pretty talented, Andy. He should meet you. Come on in. Just one drink. ANDY Well, maybe I could-- (quickly) No no no. I can't. I just can't. ANDY turns and races towards her town car. CHRISTIAN Say hello to the boyfriend for me. ANDY looks at her watch as she runs away. Winces. She's so late. 76A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 129 EXT. STREET/INT. TOWN CAR -- NIGHT 129 ANDY looks over at ROY. (CONTINUED) 77. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 129 CONTINUED: 129 ANDY Can you go any faster? 130 INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 130 DOUG and LILY are sitting at a table with a few other friends. ANDY walks in still in her evening wear and looks at them. And understands right away. NATE is long gone. 130A INT. APARTMENT -- NIGHT 130A ANDY walks in, holding a cupcake with a lit candle on it. NATE'S watching ESPN. He barely looks up. ANDY Happy Birthday. NATE turns off the TV, looks at her. ANDY (CONT'D) Nate, I'm so sorry. I was trying to leave, but there was a lot going on and I didn't have a choice and-- NATE Don't worry about it. I'm going to bed. He walks past her. ANDY Can we at least talk about it this-- He starts to leave, turns, looks at her. NATE You look really pretty. And he walks into the bedroom. ANDY stands there, feeling terrible. 130B INT. APARTMENT -- DAWN 130B Very early. ANDY is getting dressed, by now every bit as expert as the girls in the beginning of the movie. She pauses a moment, watching NATE sleep. Then she exits. 78. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 130C INT. RUNWAY -- DAY 130C ANDY on the phone. ANDY I don't understand what's so difficult about scheduling a preview. If you want Miranda to give you any editorial, we'll need to see the clothing at least three weeks before the show. Yes, please. See what you can do. She hangs up. EMILY looks over at her, raises an eyebrow. EMILY Everything okay? ANDY Yeah. I'm... fine. The phone rings. ANDY (CONT'D) Miranda Priestly's office. Thanks. (hangs up) I gotta go pick up the Polaroids from the shoot. 130D EXT. ZOO -- DAY 130D Outside at the zoo. We see MODELS, wearing gorgeous evening gowns, their faces partly obscured by beautifully detailed masks depicting different animals. We see NIGEL, JOCELYN and a few CLACKERS. JOCELYN No, no, no. I think Gisele should be the lizard and Vivian the donkey. NIGEL The lizard's better with the Dolce. (beat) Sometimes I can't believe I talk about this crap all day. (CONTINUED) 79. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 130D CONTINUED: 130D Two of the CLACKERS are checking out the MODELS. CLACKER #2 God, we should have a pig mask for Rhona. CLACKER #1 I know. She's huge. We see the model they're talking about. Perfectly skinny, of course. Just then ANDY walks over. The CLACKER hands ANDY a stack of Polaroids. ANDY turns to go, but NIGEL stops her. NIGEL Get these to Miranda right away. Tell her I switched in the Dior for the Rochas. ANDY (flat) Great. No problem. NIGEL Hey. Adjust the attitude. Don't make me feed you to one of the models. ANDY Sorry. Busy day. And my personal life is going down the drain. That's all. NIGEL Join the club. You start to do well at work, that's what happens. ANDY looks at him. I'm doing well at work? NIGEL (CONT'D) Let me know when your whole life goes up in smoke. That means it's time for a promotion. 131-134 OMITTED 131-134 135 INT. MIRANDA'S FOYER -- NIGHT 135 ANDY steps in, carrying the dry cleaning and The Book, moving quickly. Suddenly she hears a voice, emerging from upstairs. MIRANDA Andrea. Come up here. (CONTINUED) 80. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 135 CONTINUED: 135 ANDY practically has a heart attack. 135A INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT 135A ANDY walks in, curious. And scared. ANDY steps into the apartment, MIRANDA Paris is the most important week of my year. I need the best team possible with me. And this is when ANDY starts to have a bad feeling. MIRANDA (CONT'D) That no longer includes Emily. ANDY realizes... ANDY Wait. You want ME to -- oh, no. No, no. Emily would die. Her whole life is about Paris. MIRANDA stares. Doesn't care. ANDY (CONT'D) She hasn't eaten in weeks. I can't do that, Miranda. I can't. MIRANDA If you don't go, I'll assume you're not serious about your future at Runway or any other publication. ANDY looks at her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) The decision is yours. ANDY But-- MIRANDA That's all. 136 OMITTED 136 137 EXT. MIRANDA'S BUILDING -- NIGHT 137 ANDY walks out of the building. ROY opens the door to the town car, but she waves him away. 81. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 138 EXT. BROADWAY -- NIGHT 138 ANDY walks downtown alone, thinking. Walks by a newsstand covered with the latest Runway... a store window filled with the latest fashions... a bunch of people her age drinking at an outdoor restaurant, looking carefree... 139 INT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- LATER 139 ANDY looks through the clips of all her articles from college. And at a picture of herself at graduation, surrounded by her parents, her relatives, her friends. Her parents are beaming, exuding pride. 140 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 140 The desks outside MIRANDA'S office are empty. We hold for a few beats. Then ANDY comes in, walking slowly, still unsure. And at that moment MIRANDA appears. They look at each other. MIRANDA nods, almost imperceptibly. ANDY nods back. And MIRANDA takes her coat off. ANDY holds out her arms to take the coat from her. But MIRANDA puts the coat on EMILY'S desk instead. Right in front of EMILY'S Arc de Triomphe screensaver. And then MIRANDA strides into her office. ANDY sits down, trying to grasp the magnitude of what just happened. And just then MIRANDA pokes her head back in. MIRANDA Don't forget to tell Emily. And we see ANDY'S face. Me? 141 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 141 ANDY is waiting for EMILY, dreading her arrival. Suddenly she can't take it anymore. She dials the phone. 142 EXT. MIDTOWN STREET -- DAY 142 EMILY is in even more than her usual tizzy. ANDY (O.S.) Emily-- (CONTINUED) 82. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 142 CONTINUED: 142 EMILY Sorry I'm late. Miranda wanted some scarves from Hermes and she told me yesterday but I forgot and so-- ANDY (O.S.) Emily, I have to talk to you. EMILY I freaked out of course, but then I just called Martine at home and she opened the store early, so I got them. EMILY juggles an Hermes bag, her purse, her cell phone, almost mows down an OLD LADY. She mouths "Sorry." ANDY Okay. Emily. When you get in, I want to talk to you about something-- EMILY I hope it's not another Miranda problem-- ANDY Not exactly. EMILY Good. Because I've got so much to deal with before I go, I swear to God I can't even-- And that's when EMILY steps into the street without looking. The second she steps off the sidewalk-- Blam! EMILY is hit by a taxi. We see her purse, her cell phone, her shopping bags, some of the orange Hermes boxes, and some of the scarves as they fly through the air. 143 INT. LENOX HILL HOSPITAL -- DAY 143 ANDY sits in the waiting room, distraught. 144 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY 144 Lying in a hospital bed, her face with no make-up, wearing a dumpy hospital robe, EMILY looks like what she is... ...a skinny tired young GIRL. (CONTINUED) 83. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 144 CONTINUED: 144 ANDY stands by the window, arms folded, defensive. EMILY I don't care if she was going to fire you or beat you with a red hot poker, you should have said no. ANDY I didn't have a choice. You know how she is. EMILY Oh, please. That's a pathetic excuse. Just then an ORDERLY walks in with her dinner, laden with fattening foods -- a cream soup, bread, pasta, cheese and dessert. EMILY grabs a pudding, peels off the foil top. EMILY (CONT'D) What gets me about this whole thing is, you're the one who pretends you don't care about this stuff. You don't care about fashion, you just want to be a journalist, blah, blah, blah. What a load of bollocks. She angrily finishes the last spoon of pudding, grabs a dinner roll, which she starts to butter. ANDY Look, I know you're mad. And I don't blame you. EMILY Face it, Andy. You sold your soul the day you put on your first pair of Jimmy Choos. She bites off a hunk of dinner roll... EMILY (CONT'D) (with her mouth full) And you know what really kills me? The clothes you're about to get. You don't deserve them. You eat carbs, for Christ's sake. It's so unfair. (takes another bite) Just go. (CONTINUED) 84. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 144 CONTINUED: (2) 144 ANDY Emily-- EMILY I said, go! 145 INT. CHELSEA GALLERY -- NIGHT 145 LILY has curated a show at the gallery where she works. LILY rushes around. NATE is not there yet. ANDY stands with DOUG. DOUG You're going to Paris for the couture shows? That's the coolest fashion event of the year -- who are you going to see Galliano? Lagerfeld? Nicolas Ghesquiere? ANDY Okay, now you're scaring me. Just then LILY walks over to them. ANDY (CONT'D) Lily, this show is amazing. I am so proud of you. LILY I wasn't sure you would be able to make it. ANDY What are you talking about? I wouldn't miss this. LILY and DOUG look at her. ANDY (cont'd) (CONT'D) Okay, so lately I've missed a few things... a lot of things... almost everything. LILY I'm just glad you're here. Start with the murals in the other room. They're amazing... 145A A LITTLE LATER-- 145A ANDY looks at the artwork. Suddenly she hears a voice. (CONTINUED) 84A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 145A CONTINUED: 145A CHRISTIAN Hey, Miranda Girl. (CONTINUED) 85. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 145A CONTINUED: (2) 145A She closes her eyes. Can't be. She turns. Yup. CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) I was just thinking about you. ANDY Come on. CHRISTIAN It's true. I'm profiling Gaultier for Interview and I was making plans for Paris and found myself wondering if you would be there. ANDY Actually... Stop smiling. Why am I smiling? ANDY (cont'd) (CONT'D) I am going-- CHRISTIAN That's great. I'm staying at a fantastic little hotel in the Seventh across the street from a falafel restaurant that will change your life. ANDY Sorry. I'll be too busy working. You'll have to find someone else's life to change. CHRISTIAN But that's just it. I'm starting to wonder if I can. And with that, he leans in, plants a soft kiss on her cheek. ANDY closes her eyes, blushing like crazy. When she opens her eyes, CHRISTIAN is gone. And it's not for a moment that she notices... ... LILY, about ten feet away, staring at her, a look of surprise and disgust on her face. 145B INT. CHELSEA GALLERY -- NIGHT 145B ANDY follows LILY through the gallery. (CONTINUED) 86. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 145B CONTINUED: 145B ANDY He's just a guy I know from work. LILY Yeah. That looked like work. ANDY You're making a big a deal out of-- LILY The Andy I know is madly in love with Nate, is always five minutes early and thinks Club Monaco is couture. For the last 16 years I've known everything about that Andy, but this person? She gestures to ANDY. LILY (cont'd) (CONT'D) This glamazon who skulks around in corners with some random hot fashion guy? I don't get her. ANDY looks at her, stunned. LILY (CONT'D) Have fun in Paris. She turns and walks away. ANDY turns. NATE is standing there. NATE You're going to Paris? ANDY It just happened-- NATE I thought Paris was some big deal for Emily and-- ANDY Great. Now you're going to give me a hard time, too? And ANDY walks away, upset. NATE follows her. 146 EXT. GALLERY -- NIGHT 146 NATE follows ANDY outside. NATE What the hell is wrong with you? (CONTINUED) 87. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 146 CONTINUED: 146 ANDY Miranda asked me and I couldn't say no, okay? I didn't have a choice. NATE I know, I know. That's your answer for everything lately. I didn't have a choice. Like this job was forced on you. Like you don't make these decisions yourself... ANDY Okay. I get it, you're mad because I work late all the time, because I missed your birthday party-- NATE Oh, come on. What am I, four? ANDY You hate Runway. And Miranda. You think fashion is stupid. You've made that clear. NATE Andy, I make port wine reductions all day. I'm not exactly in the Peace Corps. I wouldn't care if you were out all night pole dancing if you did it with some integrity. ANDY So now I have no integrity. Great. NATE You used to say this was just a job. You made fun of the Runway girls. And now you've become one of them. ANDY That's absurd. NATE Look at you. Now that I know how much you're willing to change to be successful, it makes me wonder if we ever had anything in common. ANDY You don't mean that. (CONTINUED) 88. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 146 CONTINUED: (2) 146 NATE I do. I really do. Beat. ANDY tries to catch her breath. ANDY Then maybe this trip is coming at a good time. Maybe we should take a break. She stands there, waiting for him to protest, throw his arms around her. He looks at her. Stunned at what she just said. And after a painful moment, he simply walks away. ANDY (CONT'D) Nate! He turns. And just then her phone rings. They both know who it is. And that she has to take the call. NATE In case you're wondering, the person whose calls you always take, that's the relationship you're in. The phone keeps ringing. NATE (CONT'D) I hope you two are very happy together. And he walks away. ANDY clicks on the phone. ANDY Hello, Miranda... DISSOLVE TO: 147 EXT. PARIS -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT 147 A limo drives across the city. 148 INT. LIMO -- NIGHT 148 ANDY looks out the window, watching Paris at night whizzing by. And even though she's still feeling melancholy, she is awed by what she sees. MIRANDA, sitting across from ANDY, is not even looking out the window. She's looking through the Book. 89. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 149 EXT. PLACE DE VENDOME -- NIGHT 149 The Paris Ritz. MIRANDA'S limo pulls up. 150 INT. RITZ HOTEL ANDY'S SUITE -- PARIS -- NIGHT 150 The BELLMAN opens the door to a huge suite. ANDY Wait. This is not right. Miranda is staying in the suite. BELLMAN That's correct, Mademoiselle. Miranda Priestly's suite is down the hall. ANDY This is my room? 151-154 OMITTED 151-154 155 INT. FASHION SHOW - PARIS -- DAY 155 ANDY sits in the front row beside MIRANDA. Half the INVITEES are looking at the clothes. The other half are watching MIRANDA'S reaction to the clothes. 156 INT. FASHION SHOW -- NIGHT 156 Backstage at a fashion show where the models are undressing and changing... MIRANDA hobnobs with designers, editors and celebrities and ANDY is right there beside her. 157 EXT. FASHION SHOW -- DAY 157 MIRANDA walks by some paparazzi outside the Chanel show. They scream her name. She shows off her best smile. ANDY squints, blinded by the flashbulbs. Suddenly she hears a voice behind her. CHRISTIAN You know, I've been thinking, and you still owe me for Harry Potter. She turns. Sees CHRISTIAN. And she finds herself alarmingly happy to see him. (CONTINUED) 90. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 157 CONTINUED: 157 ANDY Oh, do I? CHRISTIAN Of course you do. You working tonight? ANDY Actually, Miranda has a dinner. CHRISTIAN So you're free. Perfect. Oh, but there's a problem, huh? Le Boyfriend. At the mention of this, ANDY blushes slightly. CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) Wait. Don't tell me, The boyfriend is non plus? Je suis trés trés desolé. ANDY Oh, you're so full of it. You are not desolé at all. CHRISTIAN Yeah, not even a little. What time should I pick you up? 158 OMITTED 158 159 INT. RITZ HOTEL - MIRANDA'S SUITE -- EVENING 159 ANDY walks in, cheerful, carrying a seating chart. She is surprised to see MIRANDA just sitting on the sofa. There's a strange lag before she looks up at ANDY. ANDY registers something is odd. Finally-- MIRANDA (distracted) There you are. We need to go over the seating chart for the luncheon. ANDY starts to take the chart out of her bag, but she can't help but notice MIRANDA is... staring into space. ANDY Sure. No problem. I have it right here, um... And finally MIRANDA focuses on her. (CONTINUED) 91. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 159 CONTINUED: 159 MIRANDA By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me. ANDY puts down the seating chart. MIRANDA studies it. And there's an uncharacteristic lag in her decision making. ANDY watches her. Something definitely is up. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Okay, so, first of all, let's put Jay- Z at my table. ANDY But your table is full. MIRANDA Stephen won't be coming. She takes his the tab off the seating chart and removes it. ANDY looks at her, not understanding. ANDY So Stephen is not... so you don't need me to fetch Stephen from the airport tomorrow? MIRANDA Well, if you speak to him and he decides to rethink the divorce, then "fetch" him. Fetch away. ANDY now freezes. MIRANDA (CONT'D) When we get back to New York, we'll need to think of a way to keep it out of the press. ANDY Of course. MIRANDA Another divorce in the papers... and we all know what they'll say about me - - Dragon Lady, career-obsessed, drove away another "Mr. Priestly". And despite herself, MIRANDA wanders off her path... (CONTINUED) 92. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 159 CONTINUED: (2) 159 MIRANDA (CONT'D) He knew who I was, you know. They all did. And at first they're always proud to be with a powerful, accomplished woman. That's what they say. But then... ANDY is afraid to move a muscle, afraid to startle MIRANDA. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I don't care what anyone says about me, of course. But it's so unfair to the girls... another disappointment, another stepfather, gone... She tries to shake herself out of it. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I mean, the point is-- She pauses to collect herself. For a second ANDY thinks she might actually fall apart. MIRANDA (CONT'D) We really need to figure out where to put Donatella because she's barely speaking to anyone. Beat. And ANDY can't believe she's recovered so quickly. ANDY Miranda, I'm so sorry. If you want me to cancel your evening, I can. And her pitying tone finally shakes MIRANDA back. MIRANDA Don't be ridiculous... why would you do that? Beat. And ANDY can't believe she's recovered so quickly. ANDY Miranda, is there... is there anything else I can do? And MIRANDA slowly looks at her, the ice completely forming. MIRANDA Your job. 160 OMITTED 160 93. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 161 EXT. RITZ HOTEL -- NIGHT 161 We see MIRANDA, striding out of the lobby. And what we notice is... she looks fine. Done up, confident walk. 162 INT. LIMO -- NIGHT 162 MIRANDA closes the door. And now that she's alone, for one second her veneer cracks. She takes a breath. Moving on. MIRANDA (to the DRIVER) Go. 162A INT. HOTEL SUITE -- NIGHT 162A ANDY is dressed for her date with CHRISTIAN. Just then there's a knock at the door. ANDY opens it. NIGEL Hi. Listen, I need Miranda's itinerary because-- He looks at her outfit. NIGEL (CONT'D) Who put that together for you? She hands him the itinerary. ANDY What do you mean? NIGEL That outfit. ANDY Oh, I just threw it on. NIGEL (takes it in) Incredible. Well, I guess my work here really is done. Come on. Let's have champagne. We're celebrating. He walks over to the minibar and takes out champagne, pops the cork, pours two glasses. ANDY What are we toasting? (CONTINUED) 94. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 162A CONTINUED: 162A NIGEL To getting the dream job, the one a million girls wanted. ANDY Nigel. I got my job months ago. NIGEL I'm not talking about you. She looks at him, confused. NIGEL (CONT'D) James Holt. Massimo is investing in James' company, taking it global with the rest of CFG -- shoes, bags, fragrances, the works. So James needs a partner. And that would be me. (off her look) Miranda knows. She put me up for it. ANDY (stunned) You're leaving? Nigel, I can't imagine Runway without you. NIGEL Can you believe it? For the first time in eighteen years, I'm going to call the shots in my own life. One day I might be able to come to Paris and actually... see Paris. ANDY God. I'm so happy for you, Nigel. You deserve it. NIGEL Bet your ass. He raises a glass. They toast. 163 INT. L'AMBROISIE -- NIGHT 163 CHRISTIAN and ANDY have dinner in a tiny romantic restaurant on the Place des Vosges. ANDY ...I've never seen anyone as dedicated as Miranda. (CONTINUED) 95. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 163 CONTINUED: 163 CHRISTIAN That's fantastic. Can we stop talking about her now? ANDY I'm just saying, yes, there are things she does I don't agree with, but... CHRISTIAN Oh, come on, Andy. You hate her. Just admit it. She's a notorious sadist, and not in the good way. ANDY Okay, so she's tough, but if Miranda were a man, no one would notice anything but how great she is at her job. CHRISTIAN bursts into laughter. CHRISTIAN I can't believe this. You're defending her. The wide-eyed girl peddling her earnest newspaper stories -- you're crossing over to the dark side. ANDY I resent that. CHRISTIAN You shouldn't. It's sexy. He pours her more wine. And despite herself, she smiles. ANDY Sexy? Really? CHRISTIAN Really. 164 EXT. PARIS STREET -- NIGHT 164 They walk home together through the Place Des Vosges, leaning against each other. ANDY is tipsy. ANDY I have no idea where we're going. You could be leading me anywhere... (CONTINUED) 95A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 164 CONTINUED: 164 CHRISTIAN Don't worry. I know this city like the back of my hand. It's my favorite place on the planet. You know what Gertrude Stein said -- "America is my country and Paris is my hometown." She looks at him and laughs. ANDY You are unbelievable. Do you write that stuff down and file it away to use on girls? CHRISTIAN I work free-lance. Leaves me with some time on my hands. ANDY Well, I never understood why everyone was so crazy about Paris, but now... She swirls around. ANDY (CONT'D) It's. So. Beautiful. And suddenly he catches one of her arms and almost like a dance move pulls her into him and kisses her. ANDY (CONT'D) I can't do this. (Another kiss) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 96. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 164 CONTINUED: (2) 164 ANDY (CONT'D) Nate and I only split up a few days ago. (Another kiss) I've had too much wine and my judgement is impaired. (Another kiss) I barely know you and I'm in a strange city. (He kisses her again) I'm out of excuses. CHRISTIAN Thank God. 165 INT. CHRISTIAN'S HOTEL ROOM -- NIGHT 165 ANDY and CHRISTIAN are kissing on his bed. 166 INT. CHRISTIAN'S HOTEL ROOM -- MORNING 166 ANDY wakes up. Her hair and make-up from the night before are askew. She realizes what she did. We hear the sound of the shower running. She sits up. Catches sight of herself in the mirror. Ouch. Checks the clock on her phone. Late. Shit. ANDY starts getting dressed, quickly. She tries to find her left shoe, pulls on the bedspread, knocking a few papers on the bedside table. And that's when sees something. A mock-up of a magazine. With the familiar RUNWAY logo. She picks it up. 167-170 OMITTED 167-170 171 INT. SHOWER -- DAY 171 CHRISTIAN stands under the spray of water. Suddenly the shower curtain is yanked back. ANDY standing there, furious. Holds up the issue of mock-up. ANDY What the hell is this? CHRISTIAN, cool as can be, steps out and grabs a towel, which he wraps around himself. (CONTINUED) 97. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 171 CONTINUED: 171 CHRISTIAN What does it look like? It's a mock- up. ANDY Of? CHRISTIAN Of what American Runway will look like when Jacqueline is the new editor-in- chief. He walks into the hotel room. 171A INT. HOTEL ROOM -- DAY 171A ANDY follows him. He calmly dresses as they talk. ANDY They're replacing Miranda? CHRISTIAN Yes. And she's bringing me in to run all the editorial content. (off ANDY'S stunned look) Are you really surprised? Jacqueline is a lot younger than Miranda. Has a fresher take on things. Not to mention that American Runway is one of the most expensive books in the business. Jacqueline does the same thing with a lot less money. Irv is a businessman, you know. ANDY Miranda will be devastated. Runway is her whole life. He can't do that to her. CHRISTIAN It's done. Irv's going to tell Miranda after the party for James. ANDY And she has no idea...? CHRISTIAN She's a big girl. She'll be fine. He reaches out to grab her arm. But she looks at him with utter contempt. (CONTINUED) 98. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 171A CONTINUED: 171A ANDY I have to go. She walks away. He calls after her. CHRISTIAN It's done, Andy. 172 INT. RITZ HOTEL - CORRIDOR -- DAY 172 ANDY paces. 173 OMITTED 173 174 EXT. PARIS STREET -- DAY 174 ANDY races down the street. She dials her cell phone. MIRANDA picks up. ANDY Oh, thank God. Where are you? MIRANDA Excuse me? ANDY I need to talk to you. Right away. It's about Jacqueline Follet, she-- Click. ANDY (CONT'D) Shit! 175 OMITTED 175 176 INT. HOTEL CRILLON - CORRIDOR -- DAY 176 ANDY runs down a corridor. She paces a second, knowing she's going to get her ass kicked, then knocks on the door. IRV opens the door. We see MIRANDA behind him. When she sees ANDY, she walks over. Turns to IRV. MIRANDA Excuse us a moment. MIRANDA pulls ANDY into the hall. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Have you lost your mind? (CONTINUED) 99. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 176 CONTINUED: 176 ANDY I have to talk to you. MIRANDA Do not disturb me again. MIRANDA walks into the room, closes the door in ANDY'S face. 177-178 OMITTED 177-178 179 INT. CHATEAU -- DAY 179 Finally, ANDY sees MIRANDA walking in. MIRANDA prepares to walk right past her. ANDY Miranda, wait. I have to talk to you. You can fire me if you want to after that, but... (gathers all her nerve) Irv is going to make Jacqueline Follet editor-in-chief of Runway. Christian Thompson told me, he's going to work for her. Irv's going to tell you today. I thought if I told you now, you could fix it. ANDY stands there, breathless. Waiting for MIRANDA'S reaction. And MIRANDA looks past her... ...we see she's scrutinizing a passing floral arrangement. MIRANDA Are those freesias? ANDY What? No. I specifically told them-- MIRANDA If I see freesia anywhere, I will be very disappointed. She walks away. Leaving ANDY standing there. 180 INT. CHATEAU -- DAY 180 We see MIRANDA, mingling with everyone, looking completely poised. ANDY watches her. Just can't believe her composure. She spots CHRISTIAN. He raises a glass. She looks away. (CONTINUED) 100. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 180 CONTINUED: 180 Suddenly the room quiets as NIGEL steps to the podium. DISSOLVE TO: 181 INT. CHATEAU -- DAY 181 NIGEL is at the podium introducing MIRANDA. NIGEL For seventy-two years, Runway has been more than a magazine, it's been a beacon of elegance and grace. Miranda Priestly is the finest possible guardian of that beacon, setting a standard that inspires people across the globe. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Miranda Priestly. We see ANDY, applauding as MIRANDA steps to the podium. MIRANDA Thank you everyone. Before I talk to you about James and everything he's accomplished, I have news. JAMES smiles at her, raises a glass of champagne. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Tonight is not just an important night for me, for Runway, and for James, it's also important for someone else in this room... ANDY shoots a look at CHRISTIAN. Can tell from the look on his face he has no idea where this is going. MIRANDA (CONT'D) As of next month, James will be partnering with CFG in an expansion of his line. Light applause. MIRANDA (CONT'D) James and Runway have one important thing in common -- a commitment to excellence. ANDY looks over at NIGEL. Beaming. (CONTINUED) 101. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 181 CONTINUED: 181 MIRANDA (CONT'D) And so it comes as no surprise that James has selected someone from the Runway family as the new copresident of JH International... NIGEL straightens his suit. MIRANDA (CONT'D) My esteemed colleague, Jacqueline Follet. And she indicates JACQUELINE, who waves. Everyone applauds. ANDY'S mouth falls open. She looks over at NIGEL again. His face betrays nothing. He applauds along with everyone else. And ANDY looks to CHRISTIAN. Who is also shocked as hell. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Let's wish Jacqueline the best as she pursues this wonderful opportunity. A hearty round of applause for JACQUELINE. MIRANDA smiles. MIRANDA (CONT'D) And now to the business at hand. A celebration of one of my favorite designers... She smiles at JAMES. 182-187 OMITTED 182-187 188 INT. CHATEAU -- LATER 188 ANDY watches everyone swirling around MIRANDA. She walks over to NIGEL among the crowd of well-wishers. ANDY You said it was your dream job. He turns to her. Some emotion on his face now. NIGEL I've given her everything I have, Andy. She knows that. ANDY But you don't need her. You could just leave anyway and- (CONTINUED) 101A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 188 CONTINUED: 188 NIGEL (quickly cutting her off) When the time is right, she'll pay me back. ANDY You sure about that? (CONTINUED) 102. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 188 CONTINUED: (2) 188 NIGEL No. But I hope for the best. I have to. And he rejoins the swirl. Just then CHRISTIAN catches ANDY'S eye. At the same time, MIRANDA appears in front of her. MIRANDA I'm ready to go. And ANDY turns and walks away, without so much as a glance back at CHRISTIAN. 189 INT. LIMO -- DAY 189 MIRANDA and ANDY ride in the limo on their way back to Paris. MIRANDA is as relaxed as we've seen her. MIRANDA You thought I didn't know. ANDY nods. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I've known what was happening for quite some time. It took a little while to find a suitable alternative for Jacqueline, one she would accept. Turned out, that James Holt job is so absurdly overpaid-- 189aaA INT. RESTAURANT -- DAY 189aaA MIRANDA introduces MASSIMO to JACQUELINE. MIRANDA (V.O.) --she jumped at it. 189baA INT. LIMO -- DAY 189baA ANDY takes this in... MIRANDA Then I let Irv know Jacqueline was unavailable. 189aA INT. MIRANDA'S HOTEL ROOM -- DAY 189aA MIRANDA welcomes IRV into her hotel suite. (CONTINUED) 102aA. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 189aA CONTINUED: 189aA MIRANDA (V.O.) Truth is, there's no one who can do what I do, her included. 189aB INT. LIMO -- DAY 189aB ANDY watches MIRANDA, stunned. MIRANDA Any of his other choices would find the job impossible and the magazine would surely suffer. Especially because of the list-- 189aC INT. MIRANDA'S HOTEL ROOM -- DAY 189aC A quick flash of MIRANDA with IRV. She pushes a list across the table. (CONTINUED) 102A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 189aC CONTINUED: 189aC MIRANDA (V.O.) --designers, photographers, editors, writers, models, all of whom were found and nurtured by me... 189aD INT. LIMO -- DAY 189aD ANDY listens, amazed. MIRANDA ...all of whom have promised to follow me whenever and if ever I leave Runway. To any publication I choose. Of course, as soon as Irv understood, he reconsidered. 189aE OMITTED 189aE 189aF INT. LIMO -- DAY 189aF ANDY looks at MIRANDA, taking it all in. (CONTINUED) 103. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 189aF CONTINUED: 189aF MIRANDA I must say, I was impressed with you, how intently you tried to warn me. ANDY looks at her, stunned that she knows. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I never thought I would say this, Andrea, but I see some of myself in you. Your dedication, your focus. MIRANDA looks out the window. They're approaching the next party and the paparazzi are waiting outside... MIRANDA (CONT'D) People think success happens to you. It doesn't. You choose it. Every day, I choose excellence. Who else does what I do, at my level? Nobody. They don't even understand what it takes, the days, measured in milliseconds... ANDY stares at her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) But now you know --and I know -- that you have it in you. That you can see beyond what other people want and choose for yourself. She smiles, like she's just given ANDY an enormous compliment. ANDY reels. ANDY But I don't think I am like that. MIRANDA looks at her. Oh? ANDY (CONT'D) I couldn't do what you did to Nigel, Miranda. There's no way I could do something like that. Pause. ANDY can barely believe what she said. But instead os exploding... MIRANDA smiles. MIRANDA Of course you can. You already did. To Emily. ANDY reels. (CONTINUED) 104. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 189aF CONTINUED: (2) 189aF ANDY That's not what I -- that was different. I didn't have a choice. MIRANDA No. You did choose. You chose to get ahead. You want this life, those choices are necessary. ANDY But what if it's not what I want? I mean, what if I don't want to live the way you do? MIRANDA looks at her and smiles, and this time, for the first time, her smile is almost maternal. MIRANDA Don't be silly, Andrea. This is what everyone wants. Everyone wants to be us. And with that she opens the door to the limo... 189A EXT. RED CARPET 189A ...onto the red carpet where she is instantly embraced by the flashing lights of the cameras. ANDY quietly steps out behind MIRANDA. Squinting. She's never gotten used to the lights. MIRANDA moves down the red carpet. We follow her. It's not until MIRANDA is about to open the door that she realizes... ANDY is no longer beside her. 190 EXT. PARIS STREET -- EVENING 190 We see ANDY, walking up the street in the dusky light. She has never looked more beautiful. She is serene. And she is free. The wind blows through her hair. She smiles. Her phone rings. She looks down. Sees the name MIRANDA. ANDY doesn't break stride for a moment as she... ...tosses the ringing phone into the nearest fountain. 191 OMITTED 191 104A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 192 INT. AIRPORT -- DAY 192 ANDY walks off the plane. Sees LILY standing there, among the CHAUFFEURS, holding a sign that says SACHS. ANDY cracks up, walks over to her. LILY Sorry. Town car's in the shop. (CONTINUED) 105. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 192 CONTINUED: 192 ANDY You're such a pain. LILY And you'd be lost without me. ANDY True. They hug. And start walking away together... LILY Does this mean I have to give my purse back? She hugs it close. 193 INT. REUNION RESTAURANT -- DAY 193 ANDY waits nervously. NATE walks in, slides into the booth across from her. NATE I have to be at work in ten minutes. What's up? ANDY I just wanted to say... She gathers her nerve. ANDY (CONT'D) Nate, you were right. About everything. I turned my back on my friends, my family, on everything I believed in. And for what? NATE Shoes. And jackets and belts and-- ANDY Nate, I'm just... I'm so sorry. Beat. He looks at her. NATE I flew up to Boston while you were gone. Interviewed at the Oak Room. ANDY And? (CONTINUED) 106. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 193 CONTINUED: 193 NATE You're looking at their new sous-chef. I'm moving up there in a few weeks. ANDY That's great, I... congratulations. A moment. As it sinks in what this means. ANDY (CONT'D) Don't know what I'm going to do without those late night grilled cheeses. NATE They have bread in Boston. Might even have Jarlsberg. We might be able to figure something out. ANDY You think? NATE You never know. They smile at each other. Friends, at least, for now. NATE (CONT'D) So, how about you? What are you going to do now? ANDY Not sure. NATE I'm not worried about you. Anything you try, you're gonna kick ass. ANDY You think so? NATE No. I know it. ANDY Thanks. I actually have a job interview today. Beat. He looks her up and down. NATE And that's what you're wearing? 106A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 194 OMITTED 194 195 INT. OFFICE -- DAY 195 ANDY sits across from a scruffy guy in his early forties. EDITOR You know our pay is crap. (CONTINUED) 107. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 195 CONTINUED: 195 ANDY That's fine. EDITOR Your clips were excellent. That thing on the janitor's union... that's exactly what we do here. She smiles, humble now. EDITOR (CONT'D) My only question is... Runway? What the hell kind of blip was that? ANDY Learned a lot. In the end, though, I kind of screwed it up. EDITOR That's not what I hear. ANDY looks at him, confused. EDITOR (CONT'D) I called over there for a reference, left word with some snooty girl, next thing you know I got a fax from Miranda Priestly herself-- ANDY blanches. EDITOR (CONT'D) ...saying that of all the assistants she had, you were by far her biggest disappointment. ANDY takes a deep breath... EDITOR (CONT'D) And that if I don't hire you I'm an idiot. On ANDY, stunned. EDITOR (CONT'D) You must have done something right. 196 OMITTED 196 108. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 197 EXT. ELIAS CLARKE -- DAY 197 ANDY walks over to the Elias-Clarke building, looking at a place that was, in its way, a home to her. Her eyes sweep up the building to the Runway offices. She takes out her cell phone. 198 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 198 We see EMILY, back at her desk. The camera widens out so we can see... a new SECOND ASSISTANT, eager and nervous. She is showing EMILY a letter. EMILY My God, you call this a letter? Can you spell any word in the English language? The phone rings. EMILY picks up. EMILY (CONT'D) Miranda Priestly's office. ANDY Emily, it's Andy. Don't hang up. I have a favor to ask you. 198A INT. RUNWAY -- BULLPEN -- DAY 198A EMILY looks incredulous. EMILY You're joking. YOU have a favor to ask of ME? 198B EXT. STREET -- DAY 198B ANDY is walking up the street, on her cell phone. ANDY Thing is, I have all these clothes from Paris and I don't have anyplace to wear them, so I was wondering... is there any way you could take them off my hands? Beat. EMILY realizes what ANDY is offering, but she won't let that show... (CONTINUED) 108A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 198B CONTINUED: 198B EMILY Well, I don't know. It is a huge imposition, but I suppose I could help you out... I'll have Roy pick them up this afternoon. ANDY Thanks, Emily. I appreciate it. 198C INT. RUNWAY -- DAY 198C And without a goodbye, EMILY hangs up. The slightest smile creeps across EMILY'S face, but she quickly recovers, hands the ASSISTANT the letter. EMILY Why can't you be more like Andy? 199 EXT. STREET -- DAY 199 ANDY hangs up her phone and smiles. And suddenly she sees MIRANDA walk out of the building, on the phone. MIRANDA ...I don't understand why it's so challenging to get a car when I ask for one. EMILY (O.S.) It should be there any second. And at that moment the car edges into view. MIRANDA hangs up and strides towards it. And just then something catches MIRANDA'S eyes. ANDY, watching her. They look at each other. A beat. And then ANDY nods her head -- in thanks, in salutation, and in farewell... But MIRANDA does not react. She gets into the car. ANDY shakes her head. That's MIRANDA. She smiles, then turns and starts to walk down the street. 108B. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 200 INT. CAR -- DAY 200 MIRANDA gets in, sits back in her seat. Through her window she can see ANDY, a bounce in her step, walking away... And MIRANDA, alone, where no one can see her, finally breaks into a real smile. (CONTINUED) 109. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 200 CONTINUED: 200 She nods to her driver. Let's go. 201 EXT. STREET -- DAY 201 ANDY walks away, smiles, shakes her head, the whole thing almost like a dream. And as she continues moving confidently in the opposite direction from MIRANDA we... FADE OUT
DINER Written by Barry Levinson FADE IN: The SCREEN IS BLACK. We hear MUFFLED ROCK and ROLL MUSIC. Then we read: BALTIMORE 1959 FADE OUT. :FADE IN: INT. DANCE HALL BASEMENT - NIGHT FENWICK walks along the dimly lit basement. Heavy wiatei coats hang from hooks on the wall. In the b.g., there is constant traffic of pecple coming and going from the rest rooms. From above we hear the MUFFLED SOtJV OF THE ROCK AND ROLL BAND. Fenwick is in his early 20s and dressed in the "JOE COLLEGE." style of the late fifties. Sports jacket, button- down shirt, chino pants, and Bass weejuns. We sense that he is a little lost in himself, confused. He looks out one of the windows that views the parking lot. Then without any outward anger, he punches his fist through a window pane. Seconds later he breaks another window with his fist. Fenwick, picking up the music beat from above, struts to the sound as he approaches another bank of windows. He calmly breaks another window pane with. his fist. A GUY coming out of the bathroom in the b.g . sees Fenwick's actions and then heads up the steps. CUT TO: INT. DANCE HALL - NIGHT The crowd is gathered around the bandstand listening to the local group, the SH K RS, playing their popular hit HOT NUTS. The song is played toward the end of the even- ing because of its risque Lyrics. BAND LEADER Hot nuts, hot nuts, get from the peanut man. BAND LEADER (CONT' D) Hot nuts hot nuts, get em any - way you can. As the crowd swings the verse back to the Band Leader. The Guy who spotted Fenwick breaking windows approaches BOOGIE. Boogie is something of a "Dandy," flashiar in dress than others in his crowd. Although he isn't particularly good looking there is something about his attitude that is very appealing to girls. Boogie aster hearing the Guy heads downstairs. INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT Fenwick casually breaks another window with his fist. His hand is bleeding. Boogie approaches. BOOGIE What's up, Fen? FENWICK Just breaking windows, Boog BOOGIE. - What for? It's a smile. He breaks another window with his fist. BOOGIE C' mon, don't be a sWuck. FENWICK I know that glass is made from sand, but how come you can see through it? He breaks another window. Boogie grabs him. BOOGIE Leave the windows alone. What's the matter with you? FENWICX It's a smile, that's all. BOOGIE I'm cracking up. BOCCIE (CONTINUING) I'm warning. you, Fen, break another window and you're gonna get a fat lip. He lets Fenwick go. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) Where's your date? FENWICK Gave her away. BOOGIE What? FENWICK Gave her away. David Glazer said she was death.. So, I said if you like the way she looks, take her. BOOGIE What are you, the Salvation Any? FENWICK Charged him five bucks. BOOGIE C'mcn, upstairs. (as Ferwick just stares at him) C'mon . They walk away BOOGIE (CONCTHUIRG) Ycu really are nuts, you know that? FENWICK Me? What about her? She didn't have to go. I'm nuts. Get that. BOOGIE That's what you get from dating eleventh graders. Brains aren't developed. T FENW I CK But her tits were. (CON INL'ED) CONTINUED: BOOGIE Falsies. --.- FE UW I CK They were? BOOGIE First hand info . FENWI CK Shit, then what as .1 pissed about? They disappear up the, steps. CUT TO: INT. DANCE HALL - NIGHT (SLIGHTLY LATER) The band is on a break. A FRANK SINATRA RECORD is PLAYING. CAP_7RA PANS TO EDDIE who is in a corner with one foot up on a chair. He smokes a cigarette and taps his foot _ lightly to the music. Eddie takes Sinatra very seriously. ShBEVI ; approaches Eddie. SHRREVIE Where's Elyse? EDDIE Talking with your wife about the fucking wedding plans. SD EVZE Gettin' cold feet? EDDIE They've never been warn. Boogie is talking with DLANE, the young eleventh grader that Fenwick had the falling out with. She is an attractive petite girl with large breasts. BOOGIE How can you take Glazer over the Fen? DUNE 'Cause. r4' BOOGIE Diane, did you know that Glazer bought you for five bucks? That's the kinda guy he is. (C0NTINL_D) CONTIN tD : . - DIANE-. He did? BOOGIE Do you want to leave with Glazer? DIANE Not really, but Fe^.wzck scares me. Why don't you take- me home? BOOGIE Diane, I'm in law school at night, I have to go home and study. I just stopped by here, 'cause I appreciate fine music. DIANE I thought you worked in a beauty parlor. BOOGIE I do during the day. - (he puts his hand up and strokes her CHEEK) Diane, go with Fen. For me, okay? CUT TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT Fen-.sick's 7R3 speeds by. Diane is in the car. Fenwick is telling her scnething and she laughs Boogie and MODE; t, follow. Behind them, Shrevie and his wife BETh follow in a 1950 Hudson Hornet. Fenwick floors his car and disappears around a bend. The other cars do not keep pace'. INT. SHREVIE' S CAR BETH Elyse feels that Eddie is getting very sensitive about the wedding. SHRE IE I k:_ow. We were talking about it. ?? (CONTINUED) CONTINLED : _ _ _ _ BETH She thinks that since he never talked it over with Billy beforehand, it kind of bothers him even more. SHREVIE The closest of the close. You t-_.ow Billy's flying in this morning? BETH I didn't hear about it. Thought he was just coming in for the wedding day. SHREVIE We didn't want to mention it. Surprise for Eddie. Shrevie's car follows in the taillights of Boogie's car. Fenwick's car is nowhere in sight. BETH Elyse's mother is very upset with Eddie. They picked out a yellow and white motif for the wedding. You know, like we did, tablecloth, napkins, maids-,of-honor. Anyway, Eddie objected. He wanted blue and white because that's The Colts' colors. Refused to give in. SHREV7E Yeah, so? BETD Well, you know how stubborn Eddie is . SHP_-VIE Could be worse. It could be black and gold. Steelers' colors. Shrevie notices Boogie's taillights come or.. He slows down. Something is wrong up ahead. f EXT. ?.CADSIDE - NIGHT Fenwick's car is turned over. The headlights of the car shine brightly against a tree. V (CONTINUED) CCNTINLt.D : --_S.t's. ficult to see exactly what has happeried.Jn the darkness of the road. Boogie, Modell, Shrevie and Beta exit the cars and walk toward the accident. As they approach we see Fe_zwick lying halfway out of the car covered in blood. Diane cannot be seen. SERE VIE (TO BETH) Stay here. The three guys move apprehensively toward the car. Fenwick's face is covered in'blood, so touch so that it-can hardly be .recognized. MODELL (-,?eac ting to the sight of Fenwick's FACE) Oh Jesus. Boogie kaeels nest to Fenwick. -After a beat,. Fenwick explodes with laughter. BOOGIE You son-cf-a-bitch ! Fenwick screams in laughter. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) You asshole! Then Boogie laughs. The rest of the guys join in. Not Bech. She is not acused. Fenwick crawls cut of the Triumph. F:-.NW. C.{ I really got you guys, didn't I? Didn't I? Been carrying a ketchup bottle around for weeks. Diane steps out of the woods. She laughs nervously. DIANE 11 I hid in the woods. Didn't want any ketchup on me. Fc: W ICK Weeks, just lookin' for the right ti=e. (COYR INTJED) CONTINLE.D : You got me. Christ, I thought you bought it. FENW IC.{ Real hard holding back the laughs. Real hard. BOOGIE You outdid yourself. B ETH That's very matt,-re, Fenwick. FENWIC Fuck mature. SHREVIE HEY[ FENWI C.( Sorry, Beth. BOOGIE Tug--ied the car over yourself? FEi1Gi I CIK Yeah, give me a hand. BOOGIE. No way. FENWIC C'man. + Boogie starts back to his car. The others fe] low. enwick pleads with them. Boogie with his back to Fen -wick is amused, delighted that he's got Fenwick or. a nu:rber. BOOGIE (with the authority of a school teacher) Fenwick, you to ed that car over. You must put it upright yourself. You need some discipline in your life. F.:- i " + 4 1 CK C'mon, guys. It was easy pushing it over 'cause of the angle. 1:'11 be a bitch getting it up. (CON INLED) CONTINUED : Boogie and Modell get in the car. Shrevie and his wife ge c 111--the?uason- - - - - MODELL Have you tried? You haven't tried. FE NIW7 CK (DESPERATE) I'a buying at. the diner. Without missing a beat, Boogie and Modell exit the car. BOOGIE .Sbmuck, _another five seconds an3 you'd have us for free. They laugh. Shravie starts his car. INT. SHREVIE' S CAR BET'RL You guys t eal ly are sick, you n k ow that.? COT SHREVIE That's 'cause you got no sense of humor. He pulls away. Sr.REVIE (CONTINUING; YELLING out the window) See you guys later at the dine=. CUT TO: Exi . -DINER - NIGHT The diner is one of the typical late S0's metal and glass structures. Almost deco in design. Cars are parked in front, including Shrevie's Hudson Hornet. CAXR4 PANS to a car parked over in a corner. TABACX has his truck open, filled with pants. A few guys are going through the goods as Taback tries to wheel-and- deal. (CON'I INLTD) CON IMIED : (to one of the guys) Seven bucks. All wool. You can't beat it. h T e GUY holds it up. GUY The crotch looks too short. Don't ca--e for that. TABACK What are you afraid it's gonna got ° caught In the crack between your legs?. The other guys "Whoco" in reaction to Taback's put-down. GUY You sure are hot shi . since you've taken over your father's business here. He throws the pants back and walks away, CUT TO : INi . DINER - NIGHT The diner is the late-night hangout... made up of a mixed bag crowd. Around one side, the aluinun siding SALE'S?. N guys in their 30s and 40s. Some HIGH SCHOOL ERS , only there on the waekends, and the, Boogie-S?irevie c_cwd. (The guys in their early t,?enties .) One thing is quite apparent. There are no girls present, except WAIT=S.SSES. T h at is the unspoken rule. NO DATES. Eddie, Shrevie and Modell sit in a booth. They all eat french fries and gravy. EDDIE You can't compare Mathis to Sinatra. No way. SHEEV IE They're both great singers. EDDIE Yeah, but you can't compare them. Sinatra is the lord. He's big in movies, everything. (CO`::NLID) COYI INUED : I If Mathis wasn't a blue, he'd be a big movie star. MODELL That's true. There's hardly any blues in movies. Just sidekicks. EDD IE C'mon, they could've put Mathis in 'From Here to Eternity.' They had blues in the war. S'DREVIE Mathis didn't come around until after that movie. EDDIE Are you telling me Mathis could've played Maggio? Is that what I'm hearing? MODELL Who do you make-out to? Sinatra or Mathis? EDDIE For that, Mathis. S EREVIE I'm married. We don't Wake-cut. They laugh. - Fern wick enters and heads toward the guys' booth.- passes the -Waitress . FZN 1 CK Enid. French fries and gravy, and a cherry coke. He sits dcw-n and joins the guys. SRREVIE How'd it go? FEiWWI C:K Pretty good. Said she never wanted to see me again. J, MOD-LL charmed her, huh? ., (CONTINUED) CCN.iNU D: FENWICK AI-I-did was -park the --car on a nice lonely road. I Looked at her and said, 'Fuck or fight.' The guys laugh. EDDIE You maniac. FE:l I cK Kidding. Said she wanted to see me again. Liked aye, sort of. I EDDIE Emis? Fenwick nods. He sticks out his pinky. Eddie gabs it with his pinky. Therefore it's the truth. ANGLE ON THE ALUMINUM SIDING GUYS' BOOTH BAGEL is holding court with his guys. BAGEL The guy's canvassing the neighborhood, and I notice he's stopping at the brick houses. He's trying to sell aluminun siding to the brick house owners. (HE LAUGHS) Sure enough, he comes back to the car. He's got a lead. Fools rush in, right? To the guys, this type of story is fascinating. 3cbgie comes cut o f the rest roam in the b . g . As he starts to pass Bagel stops him. BAGEL (CONTINUING) Boog, come here. Boogie approaches. BAGEL (CONTINUING) You lay down a bet with Barnett? BOOGIE Don't remember. I (CCNTINUZ ) CON I? ?i D : BA GET- ?'oa,. nobody bets two thousand and forgets. BOOGIE Okay, so? What's the point, Bagel? BAGEL Where you getting C40 thousand? You haven't got a pot to piss in. 'BOOGIE Game's a lock. BAGEL Nothing's a lock. You want me to call it off? As a favor to your father, may he rest in peace. BOOGIE Bagel, get in. Trust me. Boogie Walks off. - - BAGEL Kids today. Nobody's interested in making an honest buck. CARSON Heard he wants to be a lawyer. BAGEL That's what I'm saying. You call that an honest buck? Boogie approaches the guys and sits do BOOGIE Bagel heard about my basketball bet. 'MODELL I'm down for fifty. BOOGIE Woo, biz spender. I'm telling you. They're shaving points on the game. This is no bullshit tip. Get in, guys. EDDIE I'll think about it. Listen, who do you pick? Sinatra or Mathis? `' (CONTINUED) CO TINUED: -BOOGIE Presley. EDDIE Presley. You're _ick. BOOGIE Did I tell you guys I'm taking out Carol Heatrow tomorrow night? FENWICX You're taking out Carol Heatrow? BOOGIE (SARCASTICALLY) No, you're taking her out. EDDIE She is death. B00GIE Only go for the best. SHREVTE Cold. BOOGIE What's the bet she goes for my pecker on the first date? FEN ICK The only hand on your schiong is gonna be yours. BCOGI_ Bet me t-wen t-r . FE4 LCK You got it. EDDIE I'm in. MODELL Me, too. SHREVIE I'm in, but we need validation. BOOGIE All right. I'll arrange it. CUT TO: T EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY - NIGHT -- -- --A .our -engine- prop -comes into-vi view asTt rates its approach. The plane sails inches off the runway and then touches down. CUT TO: EXT. AIRPORT DOCKING AREA - .NIGHT A moveable stairway is put in place. Seconds later the hatch opens: Passengers depart, walking down the steps in the cold night air. BILLY HALPERT steps forward into the doorway. Billy, in his early 20s a:_d wears the typical button-down shirt, crew neck sweater, chino pants, and the Bass weejuns. He starts down the steps and heads toward the terminal. As he enters: CUT TO: EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - NIGHT Billy exits the building carrying a suitcase. We hear a HOR! B .PING. The sound attracts his att.:ntion. He smiles. ANOTHER ANGLE to include Shrevie's Hudson Hornet, as it backs up, moving toward Billy. As it approaches, the back door opens . BILLY (thr awing his BAG INSIDE) You g' ys ara too much. Hcw' d you know I was ccain' in this mcFn._nc? BOOCIE. (O.5 .) C'mcn, get in. Billy climbs in and slams the door shut. The Hudson pulls away. C'JT TO: E COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT The Hornet speeds down the quiet two lane road. I CUT TO: M1. CAR NIGHT Ehrevie -drives -- _ Bocgia sits shotguin_ --Fen rick and sit in the back seat. BOOGIE He's crazy is t-,hat he is. With the Shrevie here it was just nuts, but Eddie? T?:at's lunacy. SHREVIE Mari age is a? right. I'm not complaining. BOOGIE Not complaining. Uz u, sounds good. FENW I CK 'Course it isn't a hundred percent sure yet. BILLY What? He's getting mar_ied on New Year's Eve. BOOGIE Not until she takes the test. BILLY Boog, what are you talking about? FEN WI CK Eddie's going to give Eylse a football test. If she fails, the marriage is off. BILLY Are you shitting me? BOOGIE You know Eddie and the Colts. Very serious. The test has something like a hundred and forty questions. True and false, multiple choice, short answer. FENWI CK Oral cast. He doesn't want any cheati:,g. BILLY What happens if she fails? He's going to call. it off? Is that what I hear? (CO TINL°ED) CONTIN"i E'D ; SHREVIE rte swears to 1.tThe was supposed to be two months ago. Elyse keeps delaying. Heavy pressure. FENWI K Her plan could be, though, to stall until the last minute. Then if she falls, it doesn't matter. It's a fait accompli. Kno.t's tied. BOOGIE Fait accompli, my ass. He walks. B ILLY I doubt it. I tell you, it was a real surprise. No call. Just a note. Why do you figure, all of a sudden? BOOGIE Botton line? Elyse turns into -- - Iceland and Eddie's not the type to look elcev.here. Eddie goes for the marriage, and Elyse is back to being the Bahamas again. SHREVIE You dgn' t know that for sure, Boog. BOOGIE I'm a good judge of human nature. CUT TO: EXT. HILLTOP DI`HrR - NIGr'.T The Hudson is parked out front. The morning light is just beginning to break. THROUGH iZ WINDOW we can see the - guys sitting in a booth eating. They are obviously having a good time. Shrevie takes a sip of coffee. Billy says something and Shrevie puts his hand to his mouth. Coffee pours through his fingers and down his chin. CUT TO: { L1` T. J-:(r. - NIGhl B ILLY AF -And hat' -was-nothing -compared to what happened in Miss Nathan's class. SHREVIE This is great. I was there. BILLY Had her for Art class. Third floor. She catches mq talking. Tells me to see her after class. I jumped up from my seat and started screaming 'I can't take it - any morei You're always picking on met I can't stand itt' Then, I ran to the window, opened it and jumped out. She freaks and faints dead away. She forgot the gym roof was six feet below. SHREVIE ----Her eyes closed. -- She swayed for - - a moment and then toppled right over her high heels. Out cold. I was hysterical. BILLY The topper was the Principal. Donley comes in and sees Miss Nathan on the floor. He doesn't I .ow what to make of it. SERE VIE Than She=an, remember him? Normally a shruck, but ne stands up and says 'Snhrhhh, she's sleeping, Mr. Donley.' T h an he sees Billy in the window. B ILLY I said, 'I'm sorry I'm late, sir, but my bus broke dour.. Is Miss Nathan up yet?' All the guys laugh. BOOGIE You're missing the action now, Billy. Half the guys are a: U. of B. night school. A Lot of fucking laughs. (CON, INLzD) CONTINUED: FENWI CK - : Cto?BiiIy) - A Masters in Business. That's the lowest. Billy shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "What. can I - tell you?" BILLY Who's there? BOOGIE Eddie, of course. Burton. BILLY Burton? BOOGIE Dropped out of rabbinicalschool. Henry... FENW1CK, -Cliff, -.the Mouse..-.- - SH'ZI.EVIE Youssei. - ??1 B00GIE Thrown out. SHREVIE Yeah? BOOGIE Accidentally stole some money from one of the teachers. BILLY U. of B.'s busy at night, huh? BOOGIE And then there's me. BILLY Yeah? You at law school? BOOGIE Thought I'd take a pop with the law. Although I'm still working the beauty salon. CUT TO: S. F1 20. -EXT.SSDE:IZ`LLRE.?. =STAY The Hudson slowly drives down the quiet tree-lined staeete All is quiet, the morning'having y et to begin. The neighborhood is well cared for. A pleasant, middle- class area. The car pulls up in front of a three-story white shingled house. Billy exits the car with his suitcase. BILLY See you guys at the diner tonight. i He slats the door shut. The car pulls away. Billy walks up the steps, pulls out a key and opens the .door. CUT TO: INT. HOUSE - DAY Billy walks up the steps to the second floor. He sees his parents' door is open and peeks inside. The bed is made. No one is there. He turns toward his sister's room. CA RA 2ANS. The bed is also made. He goes up the stairs to the third floor. ANGLE ON A BLACK DOOR A sign reads "No Admittance." Billy enters. CUT TO: INT. BILLY'S ROOM - DAY Billy lies cn the bed in his shorts, sroking a cigaret,Ce. C tiA SLOWLY PANS the room. An upright piano is in a corner. Then we see magazine pictures of variou s base- ball stars tacked on the wall. C.A..`-'ERA PANS to pe nnants of the Baltimore Orioles and the -Baltimore Colts. CA A DRIFTS over to centerfold girls of Playboy. Then w e see a photograph of Billy and a bunch of the guys le aning against a railing in Atlantic City taken during the h igh school years. CUT T 0 : E BILLY'S HOUSE - DAY Billy walks away from his house, crosses the street and up t the steps of another house. He rings the doorbell. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Seconds later the door opens. t.S. SI:2ONS, a short, heavyset woman, stands there. MRS. SI ;ONS (PLEASED) Billy, you're in town already? BILLY Yeah, thought I'd spend the holidays here. Lot of parties, I hear. He enters. INT. SI?ONS' HOUSE .Billy and Mrs. Si ons walk down the hallway. MRS . S r,010 NS Did you know your parents are cut of town? BILLY No. MRS . SI? IONS They're in Florida. Be back for Eddie's wedding though. BILLY He still. sleeping? MRS. S IMMONS What else? It's only two-thirty. Wake him. Billy starts up the steps. IRS . S I;MONS (CONTINUING) I'll be happy when he's out of. the house. CUT TO: F IN-I.. EDDIE'S ROOM - DAY It is a total mass. Clothes, underwear, and shoes are strews al over the room. Bi?.lyYs lakes Eddie His eyes open. EDDIE Whaddya say, Bill? BILLY Still the early riser, huh? Eddie reaches over to the night table and lights a Pall Mall. EL DIE Nothin' changes. BILLY Except you getting married. EDDIE Yeah, ain't that a kick. Ae gets out of bed, picks -up a--pair of pants off the floor and steps into them. EDDIE (CONTINUING) Thcughc you weren't coming in until New Year's Eve. B ILLY Nothing's happening arc=-d. c==us , so... Eddie puts a shirt on and slips'a tie with an aebeady make scot around his neck. He pulls t:e tie ud , then starts buttoning the rest of the shirt. EDDIE You bring in that girl with you? BILLY Broke up. EDDIE Shame. In that picture you sent, looked like she had great knockers. B ILLY Yea?-i. I (a beat) Didn't figure on you and Elyse so soon. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Eddie searches the floor and picks out two socks that are sLi= i ar, ut rot the same. - EDDIE I figured New Year's Eve would be good. Get married. Party through the night. You know. He puts the socks on. They have holes in the heels. BILLY I was pissed off, Ed, figured you would call, or something. Let me know you were planning it. EDDIE Yeah, I know. But you're my best man. He walks into the bathra.,m. CA2--ERA FOLLOWS. He splashes some water on his face and wipas it with a wash rag. - -- - - - BILLY Boogie and the guys picked me up at the airport- Eddie takes a drag on his cigarette and puts it on the toilet seat. Then he squirts some toothpaste on the tooth- brush. EDDIE (with a mouthful OF PASTE) Yeah? I left the diner at five. They didn't say anything to me. BILLY Surr .se, I guess. EDDIE How'd they know? B ILLY Barbara Keller told Fenwick. EDDIE You keep in touch, huh? BILLY Yeah. [ (CONTINLED) I CONTINUED : EDDIE You re tiIl n3ili± g her, a= en t you, you son-of-a-bitch. Eddie spits the toothpaste out and sticks his ncuth under the faucet to rinse, .aking sure to keep his tie dry. BILLY Never did. Eddie wipes his mouth with his hand. EDDIE Who you kidding? He puts the cigarette back in his mouth and starts out of the room. Billy follows. ??DDIE (CONTINUING) wnac else would you be doing with her all these years? BILLY Talking. ANOTHER ANG1.,E as they start down the stairs. EDDIE Talking? Shit, if you want to talk there's always the guys at the diner. Yov don' L -need a girl if you want to talk. BILLY Eddie, you'll never change. EDDIE Da=. right. CUI TO: INT. S IZ :ONS ' K r c,.-,. z: - DA Mrs. Si=cns is cleaning the refrigerator as Eddie and Billy enter. I 01 (Mr, I 'UED) CONTINUZD: ---- - EDDIE -- Ma, what's for breakfast? IBS. S IM."2ONS The kitchen is closed. Eddie sits down at the table. Billy sits down on a chair over by the wall. EDDIE I'm hungry here. MRS . S I:?:ONS (STILL CLEANING THE REFRIGERATOR) You want something to eat? Make it. I haven't got all day to wait on you. EDDIE Come on, Ma. Don't give me that shit. -A fried baloney sandwich will be good. M.rs. Si=ons t:..Ts around angrily. .MS. SI DNS Get out of the house! Billy, take him out of here! EDDIE A fried baloney sandwich is not a lot to ask for, for Christsake! Mrs. Sion picks up a butcher knifa off the sink cct:rte; and waves it at Eddie.`- IBS. SI- ONS Eddie, you're giving me a headache! Take a walk. Eddie rises from his chair. EDDIE You want to stab me? Come on l Come on! He brings his fist up and ass,,=es a bossing position. Mrs. Simmons moves toward Eddie welding the knife. Eddie backs around the table. Billy watches this scene without ex- 1f pression. (CONTINLED) CONTINUED: -IBS. -SI EONS - You miserable creature. EDDIE Take your best shot. Then I'm going to p=.,ch your lights cut, Ma. MRS. 'S IY-"4.ONS (STALKING HIM; Who do you think you area EDDIE ° Lome on! Come on2 Go for the cut, then you're down and out. The short, heavyset woman continues to stalk Eddie as they move around the table. Billy is not disturbed or surprised, T h is is apparently an ongoing occurrence, IPS. S IIV!ONS How dial-you -turn_ in to' such a thing t.' EDDIE I'-ie gat fists of granite. You're going down. S i=ons turns away. FIRS. SIMMONS I'm not going to ruin a good knife on you. It's not worth it. ..cdie t.T-:s to Billy and smiles . BILLY (QUIETLY) So what's new. M =s. Si=ons opens the refrigerator. MRS . S 1i ONS Eat a sandwich, t en give me score peace. Bill;, you want something? BILLY No thanks. V I M - S. SIMNIONS You sure? It's no trouble. F B ILLY No, really. CUT T0: INT. APPLIANCE STORE - TIGHT SHOT TV SCREEN - DAY "Who_ Do You Trust?" with Johnny Carson as the emcee is on. r CUSTOMER (0.5.) Is this show in 'color or is there something wrong with the set? SH:REVIE (0.5. ) This is a black and white set, but I don't think . that - show is in color, anyway. ANOTHER ANGLE - SHREVIE AND THE CUSTOM-ER standing in an aisle filled with rows of televisions. CUSTOMER I don't like color television. Don't like. that color for no thin' . Saw 'Bonanza' at my in-laws, it's not fog me. The Ponderosa looked fake. Hardly recognized Little Joe. SHRRVIE It might have needed some tuning. C'JST0I R. It's not for me. You got an Emerson? Hear they're real good. Screvie and theCustcmer move down the aisle Ferriick enters the store. He looks like he is slightly drink. SHREVIE Here's an Emerson. This is portable. } Customer stares at it. Shrevie notices Fen-wick up at to Iron= of the store. He nods to hi-. C:J'S 10i'R You got that 21-inch Emerscr.. 711-4 e cabinet type. SHREVIE The console model. (YELLING INTO THE BACK) Kenny! We get some of the Emerson consoles in?! (CON'TINT E0) CON'T_N'UED : Let me check out in the warehouse! SHREVIE Be right back. That'll take a minute or two for him to check. The Customer nods and Shrevie walks up to Fenwick. FEZWI C:{ I talked to Boog. He's going to take Carol to the Crest tonight. SHREVIE So what do you want to do? FENWI CK I figure I'll be there. Sit a few seats away. SHREVIE I --- Think 3 ` Ll -be -there -too : - - Don'-t----- want any judgecent calls. r r _.WICK Bong's got about'a hundred dollars riding on this thing now. Making bets left and right. SHREVIZ Jesus, hundred bucks, already? F EMNi CK Lot of paople bectin' for. Carol. Sh_evie senses that Fenwick is a little off. S HREVIE What the hell you been doing? You been drinking- already? F:-:7JI CK Yeah? I guess so. SHREV IE What for? It's coo early. F ENWI CK I don't kncw... I don'-. kn,sw. Gettin' antsy or something. Can't figure out what... I don't know. (CONTI:NLZD) CONTINT33D : Heturns_and sta?rr__s tv_head out of th 4Qrc F L' aIY l CK (CONTINUING) See you at the Crest. SHREVIE Fen, sure you're okay? Fenwick turns back and smiles at Shrevie. FENWI CK Hey... yeah. He turns back and exits. EXT. STREET - DAY Eddie parks his Studebaker and he acid Billy exit the car. They walk along a street of row houses, then cross an old brick street heading for the pool hall on the corner. EDDIE Colt Char,.picns`:ip is tomcr- ow. Want =,e to get you a ticket for the game? BILLY T Can you get one this late? EDDIE, Yeah. You can't be in Bala'-ore and not see the Colts win the Championship. It would be sacrilegious. They enter the pool hall. CUT TO: INT. POOL iJ.ALL - DAY Billy and Eddie come down the steps into the pcol room. The place is old and dirty looking. Candy wrappers and cigarettes litter the floor. KNOCKO, a gray-haired man in his 60's, sits behind the cash register reading she Wall Street Journal. On the back wall there are pictures of the semi-nude girls from the men's magazines of the period. Some are autographed to Knocko. (CONTINUED) CONTI NTUED : As the guys approach, Knocko looks up and smiles. L-1 KNOCKO Billy, Billy, Billy. BILLY Row you doing, Knccko? KNOCKO Eat, sleep, you know. Never see you and the guys anymore. BILLY You know how it is. Time to move i W n, I guess. KNOCKO Eddie's the only one who still pops in. Still loves the game. (ve Gerious lv) You doing okay, Billy. -(CONTINUED) CONTIM. 7ED : -. LILLY _- _.._ -- Going for my Masters. KNO CKO Wonderful. All your crowd turned out fine. Take seven. It's got a new felt. .EDDIE Eight's better. KNOCKO Take eight. The pool maven here. They walk toward the tables. The place is quiet. After- noons are not the action time. CUT TO: INT. POOL FALL - TIGHT :HOT - A POOL BALL - DAY 'SLI Gr.TLY LAIR) - After a beat, Eddie's head. comes INTO FRAM behind the ball. He closes one eye aQ he '.fines up a shot. EDDIE I'm scared shitless, to tell you the truth. BILLY (O.S.) You know anybody who's Mot? EDDIE, If I had a choice, I'd just date Elyse all my Life. Just date her and the hell with the rest. I like dating. ANOTHER ANGLE as Eddie backs off the shot and starts to Bove around the table. Billy sips an or3rige soda. BILLY What are you doing it for? Eddie approaches Billy; reaches for the bottle and takes a sip. { CONTINUED) CONTINUE-D: EDDIE 1tat -am 4-doing_i..t -ford--I've been dating Elyse for five years. What am I... I have no choice.. It gets to a point where a girl says, 'Hey, where am I going?' He hands the bottle back and chalks his pool cue. EDDIE (CONTINUING) So, there is nobody else that I really care about. So, you know. I'm not saying that I'm doing it just to make her happy. The hell with that. He shoots and sinks a ball. EDDIE (CONTINUING) She's the only one I care about. -I -don ` t go looking for girls to -- . date or anything like that. Arid,. it seems like the time and all... so. At least she's not a ballbreaker. Christ; if she were a ballbreaker there'd be no way. Billy feels a certain sadness for Eddie, but he doesn't 1= ow what to say. Eddie sees Vz'::-..a1L1, a blond-haired kid, several years ycunger than himself. EDDIE (CONTINUING) How you doing, Methan? Megan approaches Eddie and stands inches away from Ed s face. MFi:?A&N JJ, I want to be where you are. 'here the air is rare, and nobody can touch me. What about my sister, Harry? Bi11y has no idea what is going on. I ETHAN (CONTINUING) I -never couched your sister. What are you saying? (cot;-, _:vUZ7) CONTINUED: Sudde^I Methaa wa??ks away. EDDIE (TO SILLY) Methan's favorite movie. 'Sweet Smell of Success.' BILLY He memcrized the whole movie? Eddie lines up another shot. EDDIE h T e younger guys, I tell ya, are crazier than we were. He shoots and misses. From another table a GUY yells out. GUY Eddie, you taking any of Boogie's action? EDDIE Yeah! No way he pulls this off. CUT TO: EXT. CREST THZATZR - NIGHT Tlhere is a lot of milling around in frcnt of the cheater. The marquee reads : Troy Donahue and Sandra Dee in "Su--:er Place." INT. CREST TT-iEATER - NIGiT Shrevie stands in the lobby with his wife, Beth, an attrac- tive girl. Eddie and Fenwick enter and walk over to Shrevie. SH 1ZEVIE (ALMOST APOLOGIZING for bringing Beth) Beth heard the movie was pretty good. BETH Eddie, where's Elyse? I EDDIE She's hcme studying for the football test. (CO,rTINTJ D) C0NTINU D: You're kidding. FENWICK See- the Bcog yet? SEREVIE Not yet. FART. MAGET, an enormously fat guy, enters with a FRIE.TD. The Friend stops at the candy counter. FRIEND Eari, want sane candy? EARL (s,.arting into the THEATER) No. don't care for sweeti. Boogie enters with CAnOL HEATHROW. She is a b-auti foal, shapely blonde. Boogie looks over at the group.-nods,- and walks to the candy counter with Carol. B:.TH Is that Carol Heathrow? S HREVI E Where? BETH With 3oogie. SH_IRVI (staring for a LONG BEAT) I think so. BETH In surprised she's with h--m. - fro= what I've heard about her, Boogie wouldn't seen her type. Eddie is as;azed at hcw beau, ci±u1 Carol looks. EDDIE She is death. Death. Fenwick spots the GRIPPER walking toward the Men's Rcon. The Gripper stands about 6'4" and is all muscle. 11 CON_iIN DD FENWICK Davit The Gripper's :era. SH V7. Where? Fenwick nods toward the Yen's Room. SHREVIE (CONTINUING) Christ, the Grip's still growing, _I think. RNWICK Hope he doesn't see me. Every time he sees me, he puts the grip on me. EDDIE Saw him put a grip on a guy at the diner. Gripped him right through his corduroy jacket. Made him stand on tip-toes.- S'r'_P'.EVIE Where's Billy?' EDDIE Cowin' with that Barbara Keller chick, I think. Bccgie gets a large box of popcorn and a Coke and starts into the theater with Carol. Just before he enters he gives a smile to the guys. FS:IWI CK Guess I might as well get a seac. (TO EDDIE) Cowin'? Eddie nods and they start inside. After a beat, S:revie - - and Beth start in. SHREVIE Let's sit in the back. BE'1"s.-I Why? SHP.VI I I'm tired of sittin' down close with the guys and all. Just as they go into the theater, Bill., enters alone. I a:U'rt.. i :.. - Boogie and Carol sit watching-the screen. The box of pop- --- co -ZAsutg in-his aa? Boag a ??ze -keep ==?.y.king-?aaks- at Carol, then his hand slowly moves down to his fly and he quietly unzips it. ANGLE TO INCLUDE FENWI C< looking over from his vantage point three seats away. Boogie squirs around ever-,so-slightly and then places the box of popcorn back on his lap. Evidently he has stuck his penis into the bottom of the popcorn box. Fen- wick nudgesEddie and then whispers some thing.into his ear. Eddie smiles. Carol's hand dips into the popcorn box on Boogie's lap and takes out a handful of popcorn. Shrevie, seated in the back, is restless, wondering what iz happening. Beth is mesr-arized by Troy Donahua. Billy sits on an aisle, =aware of the quiet intrigue that is . taking place. - ?.. Carol's hand again reaches into the box and takes out a few kernels. Boogie's eyes glance toward Fenwick. Fenwick shakes his. head and mouths "Bet's off. Not fair." Boogie nods "Yes. Troy and Sandra walk the beach. The romantic score swells. The yotzia- audience is caught up in this screen love affair. Carol reaches into the- popcorn box once again. Suddenly she screaws. She bolts up from her seat and races up the aisle. The audience iq alive with chatter, war, wondering what has happened. Boogie turns to Fenwick and smiles. Then he heads ue the aisle after Carol. BETH (as she watches Boogie racing up the aisle after CAROL) What's going on? SHREVIE (PLAYING DTJNB) I don't know. I don't know. INT. LOBBY - NIGHT Boogie catches up to Carol just before she was about to ente th Ladies'-Room. - - - -- --? BOOGIE Hold on, hold on a second. CAROL You'are disgusting! BOOGIE I know it was terrible, really horrible and all, but it was an accident. CAROL An accident! She starts into the Ladies' Room. Boogie holds her arm. BOOGIE Wait! Carol! Woo! Seriously, it was an accident. Swear to God.- - CAROL An accident. Your th?.ng just got into a box of popcorn? BOOGIE Damn near that. Can I be straight with you? Carol tries to settle dc--n. CAROL Boogie'... BOCGIZ_E There's a good reason, but it's a little embarrassing to me. So maybe you don't want to hear it. I'll understand. A long beat. CAROL Co on. Let me hear this. BOOGIE I don't like to tell this to girls, but you really are a C knockout, really. (MORE) (C01,;-: :LZD) CONT1NUZD: L.j BOOGIE (CONT'D) ? h;-, use sitt`rg rtex? toy u in there got me crazy. I got a hard on.. I don't like to admit it, but I did. You don't know me, but I always try to come off being cool. Don't like to look like I'm hustling, and there I am, sitting next to you with a boner. Am I embarrassing you? CAROL (INTRIGUED) Co on. The "St. = er Place Theme" can be heard softly through the theater doors. BOOGIE Well, it was killing me. So ..o stop tho pain, it was digging into my pants and all, I opened -----m7 fly. - Lmosen everything up. Give it a little air, you know. And it worked. Everything settled down and I got caught up in the picture. Forgot all about it. Then when I saw Sandra wearing the bathing suit in that cove scene, you know, it just popped right out and went right through the bottom of the popcorn box. The force of it opened the flap. Carol stares at him, wondering if ? s is telling th= Lrut`:. The beautiful "Su_.^ -per Place Love Theme" GROWS LCCSER for a few seconds ar som=one comes through the doors and heads for the candy counter. CAROL It just pushed the flap open? BOOGIE It's Ripley's, I tell ya. An d I couldn't move the box or you would have seen it. CAROL That's true. (CONTIVL:ID) CONTINUED: - B0EIE -- - I was just hoping it would shrink back out. (he puts his hand up to her cheek and lovingly touches it) Come, on, let's go back inside. As they go through the doors we hear Troy say: TROY (V.0.) I want. to kiss you here in front of God and evcryone. CUT TO: EXT. CREST THEATER - NIGHT Shrevi? and Beth exit the theater. SHREVIE - -- What was the guy's name? The actor? BETH Troy Donahue. SERE VIE What kind of a name is Troy? BET: He's gorgeous. SHREVIE (m,.:mbling to himself) Troy. Fenwick and Eddie approach. SHRE TIE (CONTINUING) Ever hear of a guy named Troy? FEN ICX (SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, Troy Swartz=an from Towanda. SHREVIE Cute. (CONI INLED) CO TINLED: Booszie and Carol exit the theater. BOOGIE (as he passes the GROUP) See you guys at the diner. Bring some tens. Boogie cockily walks on-with-his arm around her waist'. BETH Ten whats? SHREVIL Have no idea. EDDIE (looking at Carol as she walks away) Death. (TO FENWICK) I'd give up your life if I could have her. Billy exits the theater and starts toward the crowd. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots someone exiting through ( 1 ' another door. He watches the guy for a beat, then quickly moves toward him. He taps the guy on the shoulder. As the guy tins, Billy punches him in the face. The guy goes down. -A crowd quickly- forms. Confusion takes over as everyone moves to see what has happened.- Shrevie, Fenwick, and Eddie move in for a better lock. I The gu_y sits on the ground holding his bleeding nose. He looks up at Billy. BILLY We're even. He turns and moves away.--- -Eddie, Fenwick, and Shrevie ncve to catch up with Billy. Beth trails along. EDDIE I'll be.dar ed. Willard Broxtonl F ENWI CK Long time ccn_n', huh, Billy? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED : BILLY -- (EXCITED) I couldn't belieye it! There he was i I- didn't wait to hit hi=, but I had to, you know. SHREVI E (PATTING BILLY'S BACK) ' Outstanding! See you guys later. Come on, Beth. BETH Are we going to eat? SHREVIE Nah, not-in the mood. Shrevie heads toward his Hudson. Be_h fol.Lows. - - - -- - -BET - Who's Willard Broxton? SHREVIE It was the 11th... no 10th grade. Billy was playing ball against one of the high school fraternities. I think they were ULP. Billy came sliding into second base-to break up a double play. - The second baseman s Billy, thinking he was out to hurt"hJm Billy punches the guy and the whole ULP team -j=-?.d him. r Beat the shit out of him. They approach the Hudson. Shrevie goes around to the driver's side and opens the door and ge:S inside. He then opens the door for Beth to get in. INIT. SHREVI= ' S CAR - NIGHT BETH He's been after them all these years? That was forever ago. SHFEVIE Y He swore he'd get them. Broxton makes eight. (CONT_N ED) CONTIN'UED': Emi is tha car-nd lla-a??av: - 11 SHREV:IE (-CONTINUING) .." or seven. No, eight. There's one guy left. - CUT TO: EXT. BACK ALLEY - NIGHT Billy, Eddie, and Fenwick walk away from the theatre toward their cars. FENWICX I'm so pissed I mis.:ed the puncl-a I was watching out for the Grippe t-. BILLY - .even years. Seven years to get him. - EDDIE Who's t1he last? Donald Tucker? B ILLY No, I get Tucker in a bath=ocr; at Chestnut Ridge. :Mon Shaw. EDDIE Moon Shaw. (af ter a beat) Who's Moon Shaw? ---Billy gets in his car, B ILLY If you ever see hi.:., you'll remember. EDDIE Going to the diner? (CONTINUED) CON:, NLED: In a while. I'm going to see Barbara. EDDIE Thought you were supposed to have a data. BILLY She had to work. I'm going to stop by the TV station and see her for a hit. He starts his car and pulls away. FE i i C+{ :Jasn't Moon Shaw the 'toast' who used to data Elaine? - EDDIE h T at was my cousin, Denny. You calling hin an asshole? T-R- F Z 'I" 1, (knowing he said the wrong thing) Oh... not Elaine. Her name was Ellen. I'm thinking a whale other guy. Fen::ick tiptoes away from Eddie, playing like he dceJn0 t want to get hic. CUT TO: I , r':.E'viS IvY S'I Ate? Ord - CCR_:=DCR .ditsr. T Billy and BA?.B? walk dowr the hallway quickly. Barbara is a tall, thin brunette with classical features. She was never a girl. Born a woman. She moves dot.n the hall- way with great purpose. Billy keeps pace. B ARE ABA There's not u.uch time before the news. (CO:NTINUED) CONTINUED: I tried to call. BARBA Switchboard closes down at ten. BILLY I was just getting the feeling you were avoiding me, Barb. BARBARA That's -.lot true, Willy. They enter the control room. INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGdT The control room overlooks the studio floor. Technicians are setting up the cameras, microphones, lights. -over- the control room a bank of monitors hang down from a metal shelf. The TEC:=`iICAI. DI? CTOR is talking over a headset, balancing video levels. Barbara slips cis a headset and shuffles through some papers. BA_R.QARA (INTO HEADSET) Telecine, you want to. run down the file. chains for me? Silly takes in all the activity. He is. cverwhelmed. His eye catches the OLD GOLD dancing boxes on one of the race r: l ~'o r s . BARBARA (CONTINUING; GETTING infor=a_ion) Governor's press conference is on Three? There's a B roil to that. Four? Okay. Goodwill Charity Christmas Party? Three also? And :h-s slides? One? Barbara looks up at the clock. It reads: 10:58. h T e Director rushes into the booth with the news script. He quickly sits and puts on his headset. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: DIRECTOR - Stand by -for cold -tease-_ I PH BARBARA - Ten seconds. Billy steps forward to get a better view of the activity on the floor. The Director becomes aware of his presence. 'DIRECTOR Who's the visitor? BARBARA Friend of mine. Five seconds. DIRECTOR And one, mike, cues NEWSCASTER President Eisenhower returns from Wrld Peace Trur. Steel dispute continues . " These and other stories next. DIRECTOR Roll three. Three and track. A cor ercial cones up on the air mot i car . BARBARA Willy, after this I still have a lot of work to do. Why don't you call in the morning? DIRECTOR Where's the news opening? BARBARA' On six. BILLY What's good? BARB A RA Church services are at ten, ei jht- thirty, nine. DIRECTOR Punch I.D. and announce. A slide of the television station's call letters comes uo. The Alti'NOUNCZR in a glass booth off to the right speaks: ANNOUNCER This is Wi?'4R TV 2 in Baltimore, wishing all our viewers a Merry G<_ Christrias and a Happy New Year. CUT TO: EXT. CHURCH GRCU 'TDS - NIGHT The Nativity scene is set up "on the grounds . Wonderfully _ e..acora e, a out?-?alf L±i scale. The figures are made frcm clay and painted in fine detail. CA:-ZRA PANS over to Fenvick who is parked nearby. He leans on his Triumph holding a half pint of whiskey. He takes a big swig and shivers slightly. The air is cold and his breath comes out in white puffs. CUT TO E:71. DINER - NIGHT Eddie and Shrevic lean against a car parked in front of the hangout. The diner's. blue neon sign above reflects off the cars bathing the guys in a cold blue light. EDDIE Two days till the test. If she passes, t7.ro more days to the thing tae marriage. - SHREVIE Where you going? Puerto Rico? E'DDIE Cuba. SHRF. VIE My parents' friends, the Copelands, go every year. Nice. There is a long, pause. EDDIE- Shrevie, you happy with your d rtar- _a ge , or what? S'R'REVIE To be honest, I dcn't kncw. You kncw. . How can you not know? It's not like you're trying to figure out the difference between Pepsi. Cola and Rcyal Crown, for Chris' s.tke . S FR-t viE Beth is te -ific and everything, but I don't know. Eddie locks off, not happy with the answer. (CONTINUED) 4 0. C 0 NT IN-E D (CONTINUING) You know the big part of the problem? when we were dd4i ng we spent mo_s t of our ti=e talking about sex. Whv couldn't I do it? where coule we do it? Were her parents going to be out so we could do it. Talking about being alcne for a weekend. A whole night. You know. Everything was T talking about gettin' sex or planning our wedding. Then when you're m::r:ied. It's crazy. You can have it whenever you want. You wake u She's there. p. You come home from work. She's there. Sc, all the sex-planning talk is over. And the wedding-planning talk. We can sit up here and bullshit the night away, but I can't hav. a five minute conversation with Beth. But, I'm not putting the blame on her. -We've just got nothing to talk about. Eddie lights a Fall Mall. EDDIE Well, that's okay. We've got the diner. CL TO: EXT. CAROL rE_. ROW'S PAR PARENTS HOUSE - NIGHT The house is a pleasant two -s tcry wccd s t=cc r_,d e . A yellcw porch light is on. Bocgie and Carol walk ut the steps to the front door. Carol opens the door with the key. She back toward Boogie. BOOGIE (SOFTLY) I love ycu. He gently kisses her forehead, then looks her 'in the eyes. Carol throws her arts around his neck and kisses him passionately. CAROL Do you want to come inside? IR BOOGIE -Are your. parent:. around? (CONTINUED) I CONTINUED : They're probably in the basement watching TV. BOOGIE I'd lave to, but I really should hit the law books. Okay? Carol nods. He st=okes her cheek. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) i wish t could stay. CAROL ° Talk to you. Soon? Boogie nods and walks away. Carol watches hi= with great affection. then t-trns and enters the hc.use. CUT TO: EXT. DINER - NIGHT Fenwick pulls over to the curb across the street from the diner. He exits the car. Eddie, Shrevie, Modell, and a group of others are all hanging out. A VOICE calls Cu:, A so. t, but yerz authoritative voice. VOICE Whaddya say, Jim? F enwick tur::s . The Grippe= is s an ding by his ca--. FEN ICK Whaddya say, Gripper? GRIPPER Not much Jim. He moves toward hi_- ever so slowly. F E; A4, I C K Oh no, you're not going to put the grip or. me, I GRIPPER Where do you get that idea, Jim? Fenwick backs up, then suddenly rips the a ntenr.a of his i car and waves it like a sword. (C0^1TINL?JI CCN:INLT : --- - Not Stay away! I'm not going to get gipped! You're not going to get me to walk on my tiptoes in pain. Oh, no. GRIP FER (even more softly) Jim, I'm not going to grip you. FE WI CK (waving the antenna) Yes, you are. The guys across the street are loving what is happening. GRIPPER To be honest, I was. But not now. I like. a guy who stands up to the Gripper. I like that, Jim. - - - --- .FE`TWiCK - - You're not going to grip me? GR_''PER No, I just want to snake your hand. F::ti?;ICK You're settin' me up for a grip. GRIPPER Untrue, Jim. FE-.1 iCK Sure? GRIPF_R I want to shake the hand of the an who stood uo to the Gr'_oper.. NWICK -- No grip? GRIPPER That's right, Jim. Fenwick drops the antenna. He moves toward the Gripper, slowly. The Gripper extends his hand. Fenwick extends his hand. They shake. No grip. Fenwick is relieved. GRIPPER (CONTINUING) Let's go-see the guys. The scan who stood up to the Gripper. CCGNTINL D) CCNTINLED : Fenwick, feeling very proud, -walks with the Gripper across the - s e e t - Iowa d--t le - S u d d "il lalfway ac, fls 5 ??'.$T street, the Gripper puts one of the greatest grips in his career on Fenwick. He squeezes Fern«ick's forea right through his winter coat. Fenwick feels the pain. The famous grip is on. GRIPPER (CONTINUINZ} Up on your toes, j FEN''NICK Oh no, grip. Grippes puts a little more pressure on and Fenwick is up on his toes. The guys cheer Gripper. GRIPPER Jim, never doubt the Gripper. When I say I want to shake your hand, believe what I say. Never doubt, Jim. r ;TW`rC? Never doubt. Right. The Gripper turns Fer.wick around and leads him away from the guys back to the other side of the street. Fenwick up on his toes. The guys are eating it up. Then they head back to the guys. C.41'E PANS to Boogie's ca_ as it pulls into the parking lot or. the left side of the building. He starts to pass Bagel who is about to drive out. Bagel BEEPS HIS HORN and rolls down the window. Bcogie.ralls his down. BAGEL Did you hear? T F-y on by fourteen. BOCCIE Fourteen'. Shit. They weren't supposed to roll up that big a score. BAGEL Lis ten to me next time. He pulls out. Boogie pulls forward and parks. He slams his fist into the steering wheel. Again and again. Then he leans back in his car seat. CUT TO: I INT. DINER - NIGHT (LATER) -Earl-;''.ale t- sits i? a th ? cn His r.;I taking about one whole side. He finishes off one section of a club sandwich and very politely wipes his mouth with. a napkin. Before him' then a are five deluxe sandwiches waiting for his hungry mouth. He the financial page and picks up another sandwich. Eddie, Billy and Modell are turned around in their booth watching Maget. Boogie; Fenwick, and Shrevie are dis- cussing the pecker in the popcorn bet. EDDIE (WATCHING EARL) Where's he-now? MODELL (LOOKING OVER THE MENU) He's on the Pimli:o. (he then surveys THE TABLE) That's the George's Deluxe. The Garrison, the Avalon and The Junction. EDDIE (AMAZED) The whole left side of the menu. What.a triumph if he pulls it off. Modell starts counting the sandwiches on the left' side of the menu. We catch snatches of Boogie, Fenwick, and Shr ev=e argu inz FEN IC:{ The bet was touch your pecker. Not pecker hidden in pc-acorn. SHR.VIE It was pecker touching without intention. BOOGIE Lis ten to this . Modell looks up from the menu. MODELL Fifteen.. or sixteen more. If you include the Maryland Fried Chicken dinner. EDDIE I think he's just talking deluxe sandwiches. (CONIINIJZD) CONTINUED : .i (YELLING OVER) Earl! That include the Fried Chicken dinner?- EARL Yes . EDDIE (TRULY AMAZED) Twenty-two deluxe sandwiches and the Fried Chicken dinner. -BILLY And no bets. EDDIE Nope. Just a personal goal. Another private triumph. i"his' lI top the eighty white Tower hamburgers. BILLY He ate eighty White Tower hamburgers? EDDIE. Oh yeah, you didn't know? Thanksgiving night. Eighty-six he ate. Saw him later and said, 'Earl, your goal was eighty. Why eighty-sic?' He looked at me and said, 'I got hungry.' Billy laughs, MO DELL Truth, They slide back down in tale booth. Sr?. VIE. (TO BOOGIE) But it was a trick. I don't BUY IT EDDIE (joining back in the CONVERSATION) Me either. I want it an the up and up. Default. BOOGIE Let it all ride. Tell you what. (CONT NL:E0) CO`'T-INUED : Boogie stirs his french fry in the gravy for a long beat. T e ? 's $gerzy??aa:.z :=s :cposai. - - BC OGLE (ccn tin uing) - I bet I ball Ca_ of Heathrow or, the net date. FENWICK Now you're nuts. BOOGIE - Fifty bucks a guy. EDD;E Fifty? $HREVIE It's like stealing money from you, Boog. BOOGIE The guys all take the bet e:cepc Billy. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) ?nd I'll take all the action I can get. FEN I ^1 We need validation. ECOGI?? I'Il arrange it. You want to be there to Validate? FE NWI CK Sure. here's a slight sense o -anxit?Cy in Boogie's at;.d?e e. Billy picks u- on it. CU -6 TO: EXT. DINER - NIGh T The first rays of mar-,i::g light reflect in the diner's front r windows . Earl rLaget exits. The guys following behind applauding as he goes. (CONTI` TRD) 7 CONTINUED: L J Maget calmly crosses the parking lot and gets in his lithe veFlaw ;,ssile-t?apclitan anc ?rivesE- -- SHREVIE You all want to meet here and go to the game in my car? BOOGIE Yeah, that's good.. SHREVIi:. (GETTING INTO HIS CAR) Meet here at twelve. EDDIE Make it quarter to. Don't want to miss any of the pre-game shit. SHREVIE Why don't you go now. Then you'll be sure not to miss anything. He starts his car. EDDIE We're talking the championship game. Quarter to. Shrevie nods. The guys all exchange "See ya's," get in their cars and drive off. The diner parking lot is now empty except for Fenwick's Triumph. CUT TO: EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY The morning sun is now uo. A very attractive GIRL in full rising gear gallops along or, a chestnit stallion. She rides expertly, seemingly unaffected by the cold morning air. CuNEZt PULLS BACK until we'-see Boogie's cherry and white DeSoto keeping pace on the road close by. INT. CAR - DAY BOOGIE I've got to meet this girl. She IS DEATHL R (CONTINUED) .JJ CCZ I TIi'UED: Very nice. BOOGIE I'm in love. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Boogie's car continues to trail alongside the Girl on the horse. Boogie rolls dom the window. BOOGIE (YELLING OUT) T Miss! Miss! Woo! Miss! The Girl pulls upon the reins and stops. Boogie quickly steps out of the car and approaches. GIRL Yes. Boogie is amazed.-- She's more beautiful up close. Long black hair and deep blue eyes. Elegant. BOOGIE I was admiring your horse . (CONTIN ED) A1 CDNTINLC??D : -GIRL`--- (VERY RESERVED) Were you? BOOGIE Do you ride Wester. style as well? Fenwick gets out of the car and leans against the door. GIRL I do, but I prefer English. There's a finer sense or control. BOOGIE What's your name? GIRL Anti Chisholm. (as Boogie star-s) As in the Chisholm Trail. --She gallops away. Boogie watches her go for a beat, then ---- tur-:s to Fenwick. BOOGIE What fuckin' Chisholm Trai? ? He walks back to the car and gets inside. F enwick does the same. INT. CAR - DAY ry. C irY _C{ You get the feeling there's something- acing on that we don't know about? BOOGIE You get the fee! ing she gav` me a - false name? (starting the car up) Wan: to drive scme more? FENWICK Naw, let's call it a night. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Boogie's Desoto drives off. The white picket fences framing the car as -it heads down the road. We hear the SOUND OF CHURCH BELLS . CUI 7 0: t.:?1-1 . ST. AGNE5 CHURCH - JAY The BELLS in the tower RING. Billy sits in his car wait- acs--Bar-b-a=a:? egaticna1-members wa?K 3cw-;:? tie path passing the Nativi ty scene off to the left. Billy watches for Barbara. The crowd thins, we exits his car and walks toward the church, looking arcunu, thi nking s he may have missed her somehow. He peeks inside the church. Unsure whether to enter. A C U CH 1E DER exi is . BILLY Is there anyone inside? CHURCH ?EMB E R I didn't notice. BILLY Is it all right to go in? CHURCH I'EMBER Of course. Billy enters. CUT TO INT . C?:L'cZC:i - DAY Billy stands at the back and looks around. the Lang stone st=,-uct.:re. He sees Barbara still sitting. All alone. He quietly goes down the aisle and Joins her in the pew. BILLY Aryt .ins wrong, Barb? BAR3IRA No. (LONG PAUSE) Yes. I think I't< pr .a BILLY (LONG PAUSE) Me? BARBARRA Yes. Our one day in New York last month. SLY years of a plt,toric relations Lh , then one nig^t of sex... and this happens. h T ey sit silently in the church. / 9T {COIN I,Wc.J} I CONTINUED: BILLY- Maybe it's for the best. BARBARA No... I don't think so. Do you wan: to marry me? BILLY Yes. BARBARA Is that why you came back a few dayz. early? To ask? BILLY I thought after New York, you know. Seven weeks is a long time when you miss someone. BARBARA New York was a mistake. BILLY Maybe it wasn't as romantic as we'd like it to be, but I think it will happen. It's not perfect, yet, but... I love you, Barb. BARBARA You're confusing a friendship with a woman and love. It's not the SAR E They sit. Saying nothing. EXT. 'MORIAL STADIUM - DAY __ .RTAL VIEW MCVING toward the main tower of the stadiu We hear the CROWD YELL "C!!! 0! ! !" We MOVE CLOSER to the tower. The crowd roard "L!!! T!!!" We KEEP MOVING CLOSER. "S! W' " We PASS OVER the tower and ENTER the s cad ium. A deafening crowd ROAR is heard ."COLTS! ! ! " CUT TG: A COLT DEFENSIVE LINEMAN smashes into the Giant's quarterback, knocking him to the ground with a thud. The Colts are fired up. The Champion- ship is within their grasp. THE SCOREBOARD reads: "GIANTS 16 - COLTS 31." ANGLE, Eddie, Billy, Shrevie, Boogie and Fenwick are or, their feet. Victory is minutes away.' EDDIE (YELLI NG) Cino! Gino! (TO BILLY) He's incredible. They should build .astarue, a monument to him. - Something, you know. Shrevie takes the binoculars from Boogie, and looks through them. SHREVIE W rich one? - SOOGIE Second from the right. S'HRL VIE' S POV THi OUCH THE B1I:000.ARS We see a cheerleader, then it PANS TO another cheerleader. BOOGIE (O.S.) See her? SHREVIE ,(O.S.) Yeah. How can you tell she's not wearing panties? BACK TO SCENE Shrevie puts the binoculars down. BOOGI You have to wait nor her to ju p . S`r.EVIE And when she jumped you saw? BOOGIE I see everything. Shrevie puts the glasses to his eyes again. (CONTINUED) CONT.INU,ED : Si ;.REV I Come on! Jump! Boogie stiles at Fenwick.' Fenwick holds back a laugh. FENWICK I think there's a jump coming up. The Colts take possession of the ball and start to run the clock down. `EDDIE Moe points! Johnny, the bomb! BILLY Ed, we've got it wrapped up. EDDIE I don't want just a win. I want humiliation. Goddarn New "fork teams, think they're hot shit. (yelling out). -;h-ailzation! - Joh,.ny, ht iliaticn! The cheerleaders give a big cheer. FEIR'WICK Quick, Shrevie. She's going to j ump . Shrevip cuickly starts to bring the binoculars u:), but Boogie has his arm through the scrap. BOOGIE Cops. Wait a record. Shrevie ties to untangle Boogie's a=. FE.? ' ICs Too lace. __--- Shreve stares at Bccgie a beat, t en. _aaliz_s he'.s .been Very good. Very good. The scoreboard clock ticks down. The crowd counts down the seconds. "5 .. 4. 3 . 2 . 1. " FAM4DLMOJILT,.1. The guys go crazy, grabbing and hugging one another. Some of the crowd starts to swarm onto the field. The guys follow. (CONTINUED) CONTIMT1 D : T e_ late a`tet-soon sun Ii as dropped be-Low -the `t ends-_-ThE lights.are on. A gray-golden haze envelops the field. Fans are trying to tear down: the goal post. Billy, Eddie, Shrevie, Boogie and Fenwick, hang from the goal post sing- ing the Baltimore Colt fight song. There may be happier days ahead for the guys but this one will be hard to beat. The goal post finally comes apart and the guys fall to the ground in a heap laughing happily. CUT TO: _IN:.. FZl-WICK'.S AP_\R1"'1,MNT - DAY Fenwick sits watching the GE College Bowl. The quiz show that pits one college against another. It's a real game of intellectual skill. CA?M-RA PANS the apartment. I. It is imaginatively decorated in pink and turquoise colors. Five pink flamingos, four feet high, are placed around the room. - - - - QUIZ ?!ASTER Socrates was probably the greatest philosopher of the ancient world. Plato was his student. For sixty points, who was the ocher famous student? FENWICII: Xenophon. (CO:i d INNL ED ) A BUZZER RINGS. TV QUIZ MAS'TE'R Yale. YALE TE M LEADER Xenophon. Right for sixt points. XENWICK 'Bout , -e, Yale. TV MAMER That makes thescore Z Pr inceton 345. Yale 290. The hundred POINT TOSS- up. This eoration was sp oken to these who died fighting Sparta. Who said this and when? '0ur government is not copied from our neig hbors...' FE W, I CK (screaming the answer out) Percles, 413.. . TV QUIZ FASTER 'Our cons tztutian is named a democracy... FE:t?i I CK Cor_ection. Pericles 431. The BUZZER RINGS. TV QUIZ MASTER Prince ton. PRINCETON T.rAM LEADER (STILL DISCUSSING with te ' -_ ":.ates)a - - That was the Peloponeslan War... 'i J QUIZ EASTE I n ga wag to need an answer. PRINCETON TEAM LEADER Aristotle. sorry. Yale? TV QUIZ MASTER (NO ANSWER) Pericles 431 B.C. IT (CONTINUED) ;c. CONTINT:LD : r E:? (HE CHEERS) Fenwick takes the lead again. CUT TO - INT. FENWICK'S BEDROOM - DAY The room is black. rcra pink flamingos are present. SoogiE is talking on the phone. Through the wall we hear the GE College Bowl and Fenwick's answers. BOOGIE Yeah, Ma, I know I owe two thousand dollars. Guess what? I heard it before you. What an I going to do? I'm choice. Got to find a way to pay it off. Me? I've got fifty-s ix dollars t. my name. Yes, I know I'm in trouble. Then they `ll kill me.__ 'What can -I -- - tell you? No, not tonight. No dinner. I know what you're :laving. It's Sunday. Take-out Chinese. I'm a mind reader. All right, I'm a wise guy. Fenwick did not corrip t me. I cc=zap t ed hi Or we go t outside help. FENWICK (0.S.) (through the wall) Darwin. Origin of the Species. 1859. CUT B.kCK TO: INT. LIV?NG ROOM - DAY TV QUIZ MASTER That's all the time we have this Sunday. Next week uaryland vs UCLA. FE:T6 7CK i I'll wipe them out. Boogie comes into the living room and grabs his winter coat off a chair. The show's closing theme begins. BOOGIE. Talked to Shrive. He's going to lend me to hundred. (CO: TINi,ED) J 2. CONTINUED : Going over now? BOOGIE YEAH FE ICX I'm going to drop in an my brother. Might be able to get some bucks from the to-!st. BOOGIE Howard? Really? Fenwick shrugs his shoulders. BOOGIE (CONTINUING; REAL SINCERITY) I appreciate that, Fen. I know ho°.r you guys feel about one another. Ferwick waves him off. He doesn't like any fcr of praise. Boogie starts for the door. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) With the Heathrow bet and all, I should be close. See ya. He exits. CUT TO: IN'T. SH?EVIE AND BET-.-.' S HOUSE A 43 record drops down the sL_;.d'e. The tone ar comes forward and gently rests on the record. A ROCK AND ROLL SONG STARTS TO PLAY. Shrevie is look'ng through his extremely large reccrd rac:t. Something is bothering him. He pulls out one record, then another. SERE VIE Beth! Betht Beth is in another room. BETH (O.S.) -What? (CCNTIN ED) s0. CONTINUED : COME HEREL SETH (0. S.) I'm working on a crossword puzzle. SHREVIE COME HEREL Beth sticks her head in from the other room. BETH What? SHREVIE Have you been playing my records? BETH Yeah. So? SHREVIE Didn`t I tell you the -procedure? BETH (CBVIOUSLY HAVING heard this dis- cuss_on before) Yes. You told me all about it, Shrevie. They have co be in alphabetical order. - SHREVI (like a teacher to a student) And what else? BETH They have to be ?_le according to year as well. Alphabetically and according to year. Okay?` SHREVIE And what else? Bet;thinks . SHREVIE (CONTINUING) And what else? BETH (confused, then angry) I don't know l t. (C0INTT VzD) L?? CON'TIN JED : I- - - -_ - S HREVIF - _- - --- Let me give you a hint. I found James Brown filed under the is instead of the $s, but to ton it off you rut him in the rock and roll section! Instead of the R and B section! How could you do that?! BETH It's too complicated! Every time I pull out a record there's a whole procedure to go thrcugh. I just want to hear music, that's all! ° SHREVIE Is it too much to keep records in a category? R and B, with R and B. Rock and roll with Rock and roll, You wouldn't put Charlie ga: ktr with rock and rill, would you? Beth says nothing. SI:REVIE (CONTINUING) Would you?!!! BETH I don't know! Who's Charlie Parker? Shrevie almost goes out of his mind. SriREJI., Jaz,!!!! Jazz!!!! Ja??it! ! ! ! i+ T H What are you getting so crazy about. It's only Music. It's not chat big a deal. - S'r'.FE VI It - -s! Don't you understand that!!? It's important to me! They stare at one another. Shreve trying to control his temper. Beth's eyes become watery. Holding back tears. BETH Why do you yell at me? I never see you yell at your friends. SHREVIE Pick a record. Any record. (CONTIN ED) I _ BETE._ W"na t ? SH REVIE Pick a record! Beth moves over to the record rack and pulls out a recoil She holds on to it, not sure what Shrevie wants. SHREVIE (CANTINU-NG) What's the hit side? BZT??I 'Dream.' The Everly Brothers. SHREVIE Ask me what's on the flip side? BETH Why? SE E Ask me what's on the flip side. BETH What's on the flip side? SHREVI Bird Dog. 1951. You don't ask me things like that. Do you? Never! BETH L?? Because 1 don't give a shit! cares about the flit side? i SHRED =E I do I He gen t 1y th=bs through a han d _u1 ezP records SH .EVIE /. (co\i Linuin c.) Every one of these means something. The label. The producer. The year they were made. Who was copying whose style or expanding on it. hear these and they bring back certain times in my life. (he stares at HER COLDLY) Dcn't ever touch these again. Ever. He starts cut of the room. He turns back to Beth. (CC 7IN ED) 63. CONTINLc.D: S I first met you at Modell's sister's high school graduation party.- 1955. .'Ain't That a Shame' was playing as I walked in the door. He exits and slams the door shut. CUT TO: E27. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY Boogie drives down the quiet street and pulls over in front of Shrevie's modest duplex. He quietly exits his Desoto and walks up to the front door. He rings the door- bell and waits. Beth opens the door. She holds some Kleenex in her hand. BETH -Oh, hi. Boogie. He notices she looks upset, but says nothing. BOOGIE Shrevie here? BETH No. BOOGIE Is he coming back soon? I talked with hi a littl_ while azo. Said he'd be in. BET I don't kno:a . She starts to cry. Boogie puts his a= --.s around her and -holds her close. - BOOGIE What's wrong, babe? BETH He ever yell at you? BOOGIE Uh a t? (CONSI:NJEO) 64. CONi INT cD (CHOKING BACK HER TEARS) I don't know wn'at to do. We've got a real problem. BOOGIE (stroking her hair) Go on, cry. Just - cry, babe. They stand in the doorway. Beth. crying uncontrollably. .Boogie holding. her. Comforting her. CUT TO: E=. FENWICK' S BROTHER'S FiCUSE - NIGHT Fenwick and his olc:er brother FOWARD stand in the driveway arguing. It is dark, the main source of light coning from a wrought iron lamp post ca the property. The house - in design. -THROUGH T? -?ICTL - - --- - is large, very modern WINDOW we see small rhi? dzen at play in the living room. FZ1 WI C'c? He's in trouble. Don't you know about friendship, Howard? HOWARD Five hundred dollars? FZNWICX Four hundred, three hundred. at ever you can afford. HOWARD Maybe this is a lesson for yoi2. If you worked, you would have some money to lend him. - FEV JICX - - Yeah, I know. I'm irresponsible. Dropped out of college. Won't work in the family business. I'm a disgrace. That's a good reason for keeping me out of your house, God knows. HOWARD You're a bad example. F 41 C.< Far be it from me to disagree. (i?ORE) (CONTINUED) CONS: UED FENWICK (COIN' D) Give me s cme money , 7,oward . - HOWARD You ever read a book? FENWICK Huh? HOWARD Read. Do you ever read? ??YWICK Never. HOWARD You should read Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People.' FENWI CK I have it or. ny night table. It's right under 'Hew to Wax Your Car.' Give me some money, Howard. HOWARD Where did you get this attitude? r.ti^WI C 1 I borrowed it. Have-to have it back by midnighr. Howard. Fenwick sta. ?s to pace the driveway. His anger is build- ing . H OWA RD I should talk to Daddy about stopping your trust fund. It s killing your initiative. FE YWIC'?. BI ¦. g trust -%:nd. One ht.dred dollars a month until I'm twenty-ch_ee. Granddad was a real Rockefeller. Suddenly Fenwic'k lunges at his brogher, grabbing his over- coat by the lapels, pushing him up against the la,.;p post. FEN'WIC (CONTINUING) Howard, it's important. (MORE) (CO;?°TI `b?D) C0NTINU-D . FRNWICK (CONT'D) -come--0-the7Wi--s-e -dc1Z like to see you, so you know it's FL- very important.. HOWARD Get of?. FE;WICK I despise you and 'yet I'm here. HOWARD Get off. Fenwick lets go of him and starts toward his care FENWICK Funny. As a little kid I always wanted a brother. I told that to Mom once. She said, 'You have a ?rother. ' I said, 'Ch, thaws who the asshole in the other bed Fenwick gets in his Tri=ph and pulls away, Howard shakes his head in disgust. D r Cu TO: EXT. MOV t.E Tr.?T - NIG'T Eddie and Billy walk toward the theatre. he marquee reads: "La Dolce Vita." F.?D; So, what are you going to do? B ILLY It's up to her. Her? Ycu've got a big decision to make. We could make it a double wedding. They reach the box office and hand over a dollar apiece and get t-.;o tickets in return. CU TO: I Iti'T. LOBBY - NIGHT V 11 i EGUi?_;0?`?L`?s there t o CA dV -C L::L?r. No popcorn, and only coffee is served as abeverage, EDDIE What the hell's going on here? Nothing to eat. BILLY It's an art theatre. EDDIE (THROWING BILLY A LOOK) Puck art. They oughta get some popcorn in here. They head into the theatre. CUT TO: I NT . THEATRE - -NIGHT 'r"hle fiLr is in progress. A statue of Christ is being fl(,w-n across Rome, dangling from wires as a helicopter carries it. Eddie upon seeing this turns to Bi11y. EDDIE h W at arnnl I watching? It just started and I dcn' t k:.cw what's HAPPENING BILLY It's syrbol_c. EDDIE Yeah? He gives Billy the -"jerk -of"' me icn,- CUT TO: EXT. NATIVE`? SCE'TE - NIGHT The CAMERA PANS the faces of the three wise men, then cores to rest on Fenwick's face. After a beat his half pint comes into view and he takes a swig. He shakes his head in disgust. As we MOVE BACK we -see that the Eby Jesus is gone. Fenwick is very bothered by this. (CJ "rI`;L=D) CONTIm.J) - --- __ E=` i - - - Kids . Kids did this. A sacrilege for Chris'saka.. He sits down on the hay next to one of r.he sheen. He - takes another sprig on the bottle. CUT TO : INT. S':?REVIZ'S CAR - NIGHT Shrevie drives along, still coming down from his fight with Beth. As he moves alozig we see St. Agnes an the right up ahead. The Nativity display cannot be seen clearly. We MOVE CLOSER. CLOSER.. Shrevie notices something unusual. Out of curiosity he paya clcser attention. We see the Nativity scene more clearly now. Everything is zhe same except F enw-ick has replaced the Baby Jesus. - He Iles there next to the figure of Mary in his jockey shorts. Because of the scale ofrthe display, Fer.wick locks like an enormous baby. Shreve slams on his brakes and pulls over to the curb. He quickly gets out c16 the Hudson and walks uo the slope toward the manger. CUT. TO: INT. MO v IE THEA- - NI CHT Eddie is bored to death. He sits in the chair his eyes drooping, fighting to stay awake. Billy is con Le ely involved. Suddenly a Light flashes on them. They turn, toward the source. An zSH=R stands holding a flashlight Shrevie is rh him. S H EVIE (to the usher) That's t'e guys . (tU Billy and Eddie) Come on[ Emergency! B ILLY What is it? (C0NTINV D) COLT INIJ D : SHREVIE Come on!! The guys quickly get u EDDIE What's wrong? SHRE VIE Fenwick' s in the manger. As they head down the aisle: B ILLY What? SHREVIE He's in the manger and he won't leave. EDDIE The manger? _ _ - - - SH :E VIE I've never seen him like this. They e-%--;t through the swinging doer to the lobby. CUT TO EX 77. ST. AGNZS CHURCH - NIGHT Fenwick happily lies in the manger sprawled out in the hay. Alt :cuzh he is almost naked, he seems i..?;:.ne to the chid night air, However, his battle certainly helps as a warmer. He h=s "Little Town of Bet.-lehem." The guys core across the church ground. Fen-,rick sees them and smiles. E NWI CK Come, three more wise men You've heard of the m EDDIE Let's go, Fen. FE. TI; CK You must have traveled far, Rest your weary feet. (CO:VTINLED) CCNTIN IED : BILLY T:.e price will be-here. Somebody's going to spot you. FENWICK This is a big smile. Don't you t`_: ink? SHREVIE Yeah, come on. - The guys prod him on. Fenwick will have none of it. Billy reaches down to help Fer:wick up. Fenwick pushes hi= awa-. FENWI CK NOT Eddie and Shrevie try to help out. Fenwick struggles with them. He grabs hold of a wise man. 3illy tries to pull him off it. The wise man topples over. The guys co itimue to struggle with him. Billy is knocked b.ckward and part ,of the s t=uctur-e rails down. - CL-' T0: 12N7. FOLI CE CAR - NIGHT Two men drive along, patroling the street. Off to the right they see what is happening in the NaLiv ty display. It looks like a riot-has broken out in the manger. A sheep suddenly sails through the air. The SI .E WAILS. EXT. CHURCH GROUND - NIGHT h T e guys are still struggl ing with Fenwick. Everything is a mess. They hear the SIREN and the activity quickly comes to a halt. As the police apprcac:h-, the guys stand very still. rhe three guys are standing side by side. Ferur_ck is i= the hay. In an odd way it looks like a new version of the Nativity. EDDIE (out of the side of his mouth) What do we do? F BILLY Cho ice. CUT TO : IiTr. LOCK-UP - NI(= r enrrick is in a call alone. Eddie and Shrev__ are in the calm moo-him- Billy ZS l?acrosssfro ?h - locked up with another guy. The lights are low. Fenwick and Shrevie are asleep. Billy and Eddie stand by the bars talking to one another. EDDIE I added a cou ple killer questions to the test. Tomorrow night's the showdown. BILLY She studying hard? EDDIE Better be. Otherwise she's off to Cuba alone. BILLY Wish I knew what to do about Darbara. The CELL MATE stars pu rirg his - 6ing ers in Bil iy' s - ha{ r .-.- Billy pushes him away. He tries to ignore him. LDDIE Get married. Take her back to school. Get a part time job. By the time the kid arrives you'll have your Masters and all's well. BILLY And what about her job? EDDIE, Her job? I give you an answer and you confuse it by bringing her into the problem. Billy pushes the guy away again. B ILLY (to the csllr.ate) Take a walk. O EDDIA) Ed, she's in this thing. There's two or US. She loves her work and... and she doesn't want to marry me. That's the bottom line. EDDIE C -You're dealing with an irrational girl. (:LORE) (CONTINUED) CCN'TINT ED : EDDZ -MCPN-T ) 4 That's your problem. Billy pushes the guy away, from h; again. B ILLY Listen, find somewhere else to stand, buddy. GUY What's wrong, cutie? Am I bothering you? EDDIE You heard him, back off. The guy grabs at Billy. Billy pushes h iLm off. GUY You going to do something about it? (he grabs at -bdm again).. Huh? EDDIE (YELLING) Back off him, sa:uck! GUY (TO BILLY) You. going to do some th_rg about it? Huh? Huh? Huh? Billy pushes the s-uy back against the 'ha' 1, than noes into a boxing stance. B ILLY (VERY CALMLY) You want to fight? That what you want? Cane on. Come on, you son- of-a-bitch,. I'll hit you so hard I'll kill your whole ` _ amil ;r. Billy stands there waiting. The guy doesn't know what to make of this threat. He could be dealing with a real tough kid. He looks at Billy, unsure wheth.:r to tes` hi^. Billy stands ready. Eddie watches. After a few seconds the guy sits down or. the cot. Billy sneaks Eddie a look and smiles. T I POLICE STATION - NIGHT Billy, :dd=e, Shrevie and their FA7r_'RS walk dcwn the police corridor. EDDIE' S FA :=R We cared Jimmy's father, but he said he wouldn't post bail until the morning. He wants to teach him a lesson. CAY-71RA PANS TO Billy and his Father. BILLY'S FATHER We get back from Florida, open the door aid the p-olice call. T BILLY That's what I call gcod ti .ing. How's M.om? BILLY'S FATHER She's fine. I thought you were going to .come _dowa for a __few days--_ after the school break. BILL Y Things came up. THE y round a cor::er. . CAS RA HOLDS on the empty co id.c r . CLRI TO ? TYSALna1 _ r v L.z, ru ..? g y n Boogie is finishing putting rollers in a middle4.ge WOMAN' S hair. W OREL One of these days I ray try another hairstyle, not yet. BOCCI Whenever you're ready. Boogie notices Beth enter the store. She looks around, then approaches Boogie. BETH Hi, Bocg. BOOGIE (with a hairpin in his mouth) Beth. (CO.1TIN ) R CONTINUED BETH -Is t . 'Sc?iTHw??- - BOOGIE He'll be back. He went down the street for some donuts and coffee. What's up? He puts the last curler in place. BETH Well, you know, we're all getting our hair done for the wedding. Boogie leads the Woman toward the hair dryers. Beth follows. BETH (CONTINUING) The bridesmaids, the whole group. And I'm i.i charge of making sure that Mr. Sol can handle us. Without any problems. . Maybe have -- ?:ccra cperat=s cr -somethi:.g. Boogie sits the Wort dcwnr under the dryer and turns it on. he hands her a magazine. BOOGIE (to the Woman) Here's the Saturday Evening Post. (TO -BETH) I don't knew what.he's planned. BET:D You're not working t at day, are you? A stocky set GUY, enters the salon. Bccgie notices. BOOGIE No. So, I guess he's got scWet hi.ng arranged; - - - - i::= Guy motions for Beo,gie to come over. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) He'll be back. Wait around. Bcogie walks to the front of the store where the Guy waits. (CON TIN B) 75. CONTINUED: ID (CONTINUING) How you doing, Tank? Tank nods for Boogie to follow. They exit the beauty salon. CUT TO: EXT. BEAUTY SALON - DAY Tank and Boogie come out of the shop and walk around the side of the building that leads into a small alley. TANK You had a payment to make. BOOGIE Yeah, I'll have it tonight. TANK Suppose to have it last night. No one in the office.got a call. BOOGIE It was a mistake. Forgot. Tonight. I've got some bets that I've called in. I'll have it. Tank looks Bookie straight in the eye. T.-L K Don't bullshit me, Boogie. BOOGIE S?caight. I'll have it. Tank starts to turn away. He quickly tu=-ns back and punches Boogie with a hard fist to the stomach. Bccgie doubles up. His breathing comes hard and fast. ir-no do you think you're fucking with? You think this is kids stuff? He pushes the now helpless Bocgie against the wall. TANK (CONTINUING) You think this is fun and games? Little game that kids play, huh? (CONTINUED) 75A. CONTINUED: H-e -s' ?? ar ouz d--t:re head- TANK ( TON:INUI-NG) 'Cause, I'm not amused. Tonight, Boogie. No if-ands-or-buts. Tank walks away. Boogie slowly straightens up, takes in a few breaths and feels. his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BEAUTY -SALON - DAY (NIINUTES LASER) Boogie enters the shop. BEAUTICIAN Boogie, there's a call for you. Boogie having gotten himself together now walks over to phone and answers it- BOOGIE. Hello? C=-701? Just -tilinking about you. What? The flu? Are you sure? 102, yeah, that doesn't sound good. Okay, babe. Take care. I'll call and check up on you. Feel better. 'Bye. (C0NbIbvi.ED) CONTINUED: So-o h: ",,s- up -bra - He's in deep trouble. He looks across the room at Beth who sits in a chair reading a magazine. He watches her. Thoughts race across his .ind. He walks over to her and sirs down. BOOC:E (CONTINUING) Feeling better today? BETH I'm not crying. That's about the only improvement. Thanks for last night. I needed someone to just be there. BOOGIE Felt like old times, you kZow. Standing Li, the doorway. (a small laugh) Like I was dating you main. BETH Boog,,,when we were dating, cfid YOU care fcr me? B00GI= Sure I did. BETH 11o: because you could do things to me, but because you cared? BOOGIE Of curse, Beth. There were plenty of girls for that, you know, if a guy wanted a pop. But I got to tell you, you were real good. was ? BCOGIZ Believe me. BETH How would I rate? BOOGIE Right up there. We had some good nights. Still think about those times, and that's long ago. CC:V'TINL ED Beth locks away. Her eyes start to tear up. She is on the edge of-breaking dawn. BETH I don't have any sense what I'm like any-.ore. Don't ?--,ow what I am. If what I wear is nice. If I look pretty... just lost all sense of me. BOOGIE I don't know what Shrevie doesn't tell ya, but you have nothing to worry about. Yoi're a definite looker. A sexy lady. (A BEAT) We should get together sometime. They sit in the chairs, looking off in opposite directions. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) Shrevie going over to Eddie's for Elyse's football test? BETH Yeah? Are you going? BOOGIE No. BE H Can we get together tonight, Bcog? Boogie has accomplished what he warts. Bu= he's not happy about it. BOOGIE Yes. CUT TO: 1'.'7L. TELE ]rS ION STATION - NI(7r.T Billy and Barbara walk dowr. the corridcr. Billy is angry. BILLY It's mine as well. I have something to say in this as well. Don't I? (COI; 1 NTJE ) I 1 CONTINUED (SPEAKING QUIETLY) I'm not talking about doing anything drastic, an abor pion or anything like that. BILLY Well, I get the feeling I'm not even included. BARBARA Keep your voice down. BILLY I'm half responsible for this MESS T BARBARA Plea--e. Don't be so loud. She sees a door and opei:s it. BAP3APA (CONTINUING) In here. r Billy enters. She closes the door bei.ind. CUT TO INT . ANNOLNCBR' S BOOTH - DAY i'. ROUGH THE, GLASS PARTITION we see the control roc= and the Stu io floor belc-w. There is some actiTi`y gci g on in preparation for. the rRd-day newscast. B ILLY Have you been to the doctor yet? - BIA?3A ..A. BILLY Why not? BAZBAPA I'm afraid to. Ccnfi-. your worst fears, as they say. CUT TO. '6R IN-77- CONTROL BOO -LE, - DAY J S t e c.--". I C an e c ing o u t equ;pmentprio. to a tie In the b.g., THROUGH THE-GLASS PARTITION, we see Barbara and Billy talking in the s:=all announcer's booth. On the monitors above we see the daily soap operas. The audio to one of them is on. The audio an asks for voice checks on the floor microphones. CUT BACK TO: INT. ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH B ILLY What do we do? Don't you think we should explore the situation? Barbara sits on the desk. A small light is d;rectly behind her. At prese.it it is not on. BARBARA - I can't believe' this' happened. I'm hardly the adventurous type. Some:.ow i:. Just dcesn' t see= fair. CUT BACK TO: TNT. CONTROL BOOTH, The audio man completes his audio check. Directly behind him we see Billy and Barbara IN THE GLASS BOOT;:. 'ie picks up a paper and puts his feet up on the audio c:, nscle. Accidentally, he kicks on a switch. CU BA Ci, bO: I' T . A.?N:1OL'NC:.R' S BOOT'ri The li?^z behind Barbara turns red. BARBARA And that makes iL very difficult. CU i BACK TO INT. CONTROL ROOM - DAY h T e soap opera continues. We hear the AUDIO TO T::L SHOW. A couple is- having l=ch in a restaurant. (CONTI-NUED) COh"TINL D : T L a ?L -t.&ar??l y_an .?i-raab r -S- ' U41 to '-?trtra .::sV h but very low key. SOAP OPERA MAN He's very, very ill SOAP OPERA WOMAN You were there? BARBARA'S VOICE I have a great affection for you, Willy. You're my closest friend. SOAP OPERA WOMAN If he dies, what will we do? CAMERA HOLDS an the soap opera ncnicvrs, the audio man who reads the paper, and Billy and Barbara in the b . g . BARBARjA ' S VOICE I won't marry you, not out of -_convetaence. - - - -- -- - SOar OPERA M..NL I th_nk we should wait. BARBARA'S VOICE Not because it's the thing to do. God, I sound disgustingly brave. CUT TO: LAT. IDDIE' S CLUB CELLAR - t?IG?iT F.d?;ie's We are LOOKING UP a flight of ste;.s. A door ovens. Father stands there. EDDIE' S F Ai :ER (YELLING DOWN) ----How's she doing? S}iPEJiE (O.S.) Elyse has about a 72 so far, but she's hitting a bad streak. Eddie's Father comes down the steps. We see Shrevie, Fen- wick, Modell, and Billy gathered. The basemen has a bar with neon lights around it, so as to set it off as a show- piece in the room. The walls are knotty pine. - (CJa;1: tJED) T T CCNTTNUED : Eddie and Elvse_are _not-in the rocn:_ They _a-e_j lat:ndry room. The door is partial l.y open. We hear: EDDIE (O.S.) Before the Cleveland Browns Joined the NTL they were in another league. what was it .-abed? 'ELYSE (O.S.) Another league? EDDIE (O.S.) Yes. Lo n g pause. The guys eagerly await the answer. ELYSE (O.S.) I don't know. Shrevie shakes his head and makes a mark on a piece of paper. BILLY What's it now? SH?,r VIE I don't know an more. Maybe about a 67. BILLY Passing is 65? SE E VIE Yep. EDDIE (0.S.) Buddy Young played for a team 't a.t no longer exists. what was the name of that tea=? All the guys lock at one ano then . A very tough gtpesticn. EDDIES FA%:ER Anybody know that? Ncr.e of the guys have the faintest idea. ELYSE (O.S.) The New York Yankees football team. INUED) CONTINUO : EDDIE . (0 . S . ) TU-9 MODELL The New York Yankees footba?l team? EDDIE'S r1iHER They were also in the American Conference. I contributed that question. EDDIE (O.S.) h T at was the lrngest run from scrimnaga by a rookie in his first game? S HREVIE Alan Ameche. EDDIE (0.S.) We heard that in here. I'm disqualifying that question.- ELYSE (O.S.) I knew that. 79 yard run. Opening day 1955. EDDIE (O.S.) Sorry, Elyse. BILLY You blew that, Shrevie. S E "IIE Sorry. I got exc.ted. It's one of the few questions I k-:et-:. BILLY How many more? I don't knew. I've Lest count. The door to the ton of the stairs opens. EDDIE' S O N THE? stands there. + EDDIE' S MOTHER Elyse's mother is on the phone. How's she doing? EDDIE'S rA'?HER The guys think it could go either way. (CONTI`TUED) CONTINUED : EDDIE' S MCTILR E t_ er way. ay. - Shecloses the door.- EDDIE (U.S.) The Colts siged him. A Heisma-n trophy winner who decided to play in Canada. Now, however, he plays for the team. What's his name. The CA?ZRI A PANS the faces of the guys. -ErlYSE (C.S.) Heis=an trophy winner. L.G. Dupre. EDDIE (O.S.) No. Billy Vessels. Er.YSE (U.S.) I should have known tha - EDDIE (0:?.? 'Should ofs' don't count. FZ'YWI CK Vessels. Out of Oklahoma. MODELL She could of racked up points on that one. , : : VIE I have no idea what the score is now. MCDE`- T. Want to bet she goes do,.-n, for the count? aDL (0.5.) -T ast question. The guys and Eddie's Father c ghc:2n up. Tension fibs the room. EDDI: (O.S.) (CONTINUING) The Colts had a team here, lost the franchise, then got one from Dallas. What were the colors of the original Colt team? CO:tT HUED) CONTINL`ED : Woo. A ball buster. MODELL ( :.soling to himself) The original colors? EDDIE'S FAT:R Also my question. ELYSE (O.S.) Original colors? Green and gray. -EDDIE (0. S - ) Right. B ILLY (Jumping up and APP LAUDING) A real scrapper! Tough question and she pulls it out of a hat. The other guys don't share his excitement. BILLY (CONTINUING) Come on, guys. Green and gray. Any of ycu guys know that? Cone on. -Give her credit. n T I I9 We hear EDDIE'S. VOICE. The guys quickly "shhhs doom. SHRE IZ Tct<,l's coming up. EDDIE (O.S.) True and false. 72. Multiv?e choice. 58. MODELL __- _ Killer choices. Conf::sing. EDDIE (C.5.) Short answer. 64. Eddie totals. The guys wait. BILLY What do you think? MO DELL Pick 'em. . ( C 0 NT INLED) I CCH' INUED : Eddie' 5-Father walks the war EDDIE (0.S.) The tocal is... 63. I ELYSE (O.S.) OH NOT r E WI CK A cliff hanger. .BILLY Two points. S HREVIE What do you think he'll do? EDDIE' S FATHER He'll give it to her. Good sportsmanship is worth two points. The door -to the ? aundry room -opens. Eddie steps into the - room. He looks at the guys and his Father. EDDIE The marriage is off. CUT TO: INT. BOOGIE'S CAR - NIGHT He sits in the car and waits. Beth comes out of the house and dc--m the walk. She gets in the, car-and s la:.s the dcc m shut. She is excited. She leans over and kisses Bccgia on the cheek. BETH W' ere are we going? - BOOGIE - - Ferwick' s apa_ amen t . He hands her a long blonde wig. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) Here, put this on. BE TRY What's that for? (C0INTINJZD) CONTIN=M : - BOORI° __ Case someone sees us. 'They might .think you're Carol Heathrow, or somebody like that. She slips the wig on her head and straightens it out, BETH How's it look? BOOGIE Fine. Jus t fine. 'they 'drive away. CUT TO EXT. \EDDIE' S HOUSE - NIGHT Fenwick and Shrevie walk out the front door. From inside we hear YELLING AND SC3E.L NG between- Eddie and -his _-parents SHREVIE You going up to the direr? FENWI C+. No, got to validate the Heathrow bet. SHREVI? Christ, yeah, of course. They approach their cars. (CONTINUING) fen, you mind if I came along? Fenwick thinks about it. SII; VIE (CCNTINSI_NG) I won't matp a so=d. FF_.T i I CX It's a small closet. Gotta be will. SHRVIE Great. ,: They get into Fenwick's car and dr.-;e off. CUT TO : -EXT . S T REZE T - NIGHT Boogie drives his Desoto along. Beth, wearing the blonde -" Grp; s shy a.s si4e. CUT TO: EXT. S TR Z T - MIGHT Fenwick's Triumph turns.a corner and heads down another street. CUT TO : INIT. CAR - NIGHT FENWI CK The flip side of Donna? SHREVIF. Easy. La Bamba. CUT TO : INT. BCCGIE' S CAR - NIGHT Boogie is uncomfortable. Knowing what he is about to do is wrong. Beth is silent. - CUT TO: F INT . F =ti'WICK' S AFAR TNT - NIGH Fenwick and Shrevie enter the dark acar t=enc. Fenwi ck doesn:' t t.:,-m on the lights. They nog c toward the bedroom. CUT TO: --- INT.--BEDROOM - NIGHT -. The room is 'dark.' A shaft of light corning through a win- dow offers the only source of illumination. Fen-wick opens the closet door. Shrevie steps inside. F-NWICK 1 You crouch. I'll stand. Shrevie kneels down. Fenwick enters and closes the door. It. retains about four inches open. CUT TO: SHREVIE (O. S . ) Fine with me. Good view. CUT TO: EXT . r EN'WI C:X' S APARTMENT - NIGHT Boogie and Beth are walking toward the apar O_r.: building. BOOGIE You've got to be real quiet inside. No talking. BETH I think you're a little paranoid. The walls are very, very thin. Promise? BET;I Sure. They approach the door. Boogie unlocks it. He starts co open the doer, then closes it. He's changed his mind. BOOGIE Let's go. He takes her by the a= and leads her away. Beth is ccn- fused. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) It's a mistake, Beth. Bet or no --BET- BETH What? They approach the car. Bocgie opens the door. Beth gets inside. BE'? :-i (CONTINUING) What are you talking about? Boogie closes the door and goes around to his side. He gets in, starts the engine and pulls away. CUT 70 INT. BEDROOM - ANG't ON r-: SLIGHTLY OPENED CLOSET DOOR - NIGHT FENW1C{ (O.S.) They should be here now. SH VIE (C..S.) Let's wait. C. T TO INT. CAR - NIGHT Boogie is very urser, with hi=self. Beth is calm. SHE HOLDS the blonde wi'g in tier lap. BETH I was suppose to be Carol Heathrow? BOOGIE That's right. Sick thing to do. I'm real sorry. They drive i.^. silence. Beth plays with the blonde hairs of the wig. BET: Thank you., BOOGIE For what? BETH At least you had enough respect for me to call it Off. That says a lot. A beat. BOOGIE Shreve and you should work out ya t t:.i_^.g B;.-r-: T wish I k=ew what to do. 300GIE I'm not real good at talking to girls when there's problems and all. With me, if I have a hassle with a girl, I just split. But you guys should try something. -It would be worth it. CUT TO: EXT. SHREVI AND BETH'S HOUSE - NIGHT Bowie's car is culled over. -Beth's door is openand she stands on the curb talking to Boogie inside the car. BETH What are you going to do about the money? Boogie szugs his shoulders and smiles at her, BOOGIE Take care, babe. Beth closes the door: Boogie drives his Desoto away. Btth watches him as he disappears down the street. CUT TO: TNT. STRIP JOINT - NIG'iT -Bil Ly and Eddie are in one of the clubs on Baltimore's famous Block. In the b.g. a bored STRIPPER goes through. the mo tions. The' drier thz.:. -?ps out a monotonous beat and a saxophonist drones away,- A few sailors and some other customers sit at cables around the stage area. All t h e tables have wooden =a? lets . When the Stripper does something they especially like they pound the table with tr.Le mallets. Billy and Eddie both have beers and chasers in front of then. Billy sips the chaser and his body actually shakes from it for a few seconds. BILLY There is no reason to actually like this, you know that. EDDIE An acquired taste BILLY No matter-how long -I drink- whiskey I still don't like it. He takes another sip, and once again shakes. Then he sips the beer. BILLY (CONTINUING) Now beer's another story. (CONT INUED) 91. CONTINUED Eccie watches t::e Stri pa= zn owing a few bps an g in s. EDDIE You know something? BILLY What? EDDIE I don't Iike strippers. I mean, so they show a little here and there. So what? But, give me a coc. rle of ranoosas in a pink sweater.., look out? BILLY Remember the first time we became aware of breasts on girls? EDDIE Arlene Stowe. BILL Y Showed up for the new school year and there they were. EDDIE Seventh grade. BILLY We gave little Joel Cher--I a nickel -apiece to find cut is they were real. Told him to be slnbcle. He walked over, reached uc and grabbed. T::rned to us and yelled, 'They're real!' EDDIE The whole thing with girls is painfu?. And it keeps getting acre painful... instead of easier. Billy downs his beer and orders tT,o more. BILLY Remember 'copping a feel'? Boogie was the first. Said it was great. So, when I tcck out Ruth Ray I figured I had to do it. EDDIE Ruth Ray, eighth grade. CC CONTINUED: Right. Sat on the couch in her club cellar for hours, trying to figure out a way to get my arm arc:,tzid her. Finally, I learned the 'move.' I yawned and put my arm around her shoulder. He demonstrates on Eddie.- BILLY (CONTINUING) I Then came the big task of getting my hand down to her-breast. By the time I worked un the nerve to move down, I realized my arm was asleep. Figured out there wasn't enough time to take it back, ge6 the feeling again, acid start over. Had to be in by eleven. Time was running out. So, I move toward- the breast -with my arm - ----- asleep. My first copping a feel was like this. - He bangs his limp arm against Eddie's chest. He bps it again. BILLY (CONTINUING) Next time I saw the guys they said, 'Did you cop a feel?' I said, 'Yeah.' 'How was it?' 'Great.' Eddie laughs and Billy joins in. CJ1 TO: ---EXT. -DINER - NIGHT R Bocgie pulls into te diner parking lot. Fenwick and Shrevie race over to the car. Boogie opens the door. 17; Bong, you should get outta here. Tank's Inside. Boogie gets out of the car and slams the door shut. He looks coward the diner and thinks a moment. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: S HR VIE tiny Con ycu wait until he splits? BOOGIE He'll just keep looking for me. He starts toward the diner. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) Hand's dealt. Might as well play the cards. The guys hang behind? Boogie continufts on. Inside the diner we see Tank moving along the aisle toward the door, Boogie heads for the door. Just as he reaches it, Tank steps outside. - TANK Boag.. BOOGIE' Tank. -- TANK Lucky can. BOOGIE That so. TA K Yeah. The Bagel just raid off your debt. Boogie looks at him, trying to size up the situation. Wcnderirg if he's r=ning a nurbey for scale reason. B COG I E We're even? Straight? TA K T'hat's the story. Tank starts past Boogie. BOOGIE TANKS Tank tu :s. Boogie slams his fist into his stcWach. Tank drops to one knee in pain. (CC'TTINL' C) 94. CONTINUED: OUGIE (CONTINUING) I still owed you that. He enters the diner. Fenwick and Shrevie are amazed by what just happened. CUT TO: INT. DINER - NIGHT Boogia approaches Bagel wL_o sits at a booth alone. He JOINS HI-- BOOGIE Thanks, Bagel. BAGEL Your mother called. She was frantic. So, out of respect for your -f at:.er. - - - He sips his coffee. Then h,.i picks up a toasted bagel and butters it. BAGEL (CONTINUING) Your mother feels you're just wasting your t4---e in law school it's not for you. BCOGIE Probably right. BAGEL Ccee to work for me. There's a lot of money to be made in the home improvement business. You'd be very good at it. Boogie thinks about it. Bagel chews on his bagel. BOOGIE Well, I was only really using law as a come=on for the girls. They like that. But, what the hell. (HE SMILES) I can always lie. The waitress passes.. (CCNTIB3UED) 95. CONTINUED VVGIH (CONTINUING) Enid, some french fries and gravy. BAGEL Call the two thousand an advance. BOOGIE I'll work for you... for awhile. Then, I'll have to move on to bigger things. ,.BAGEL Always a dreamer, eh, Boog? BOOGIE If you don't have good dreams, Bagel, you've got nightmares. He flashes him a smile. CUT -TO tNT. STRIP JOINT - NIGHT Billy and' Eddie are still dri^king at the bar. They are not drunk, just ve-cy happy. EDDIE I'll tell you one chinz that happens when you get mcrried. You have to give up your old friends. Billy listens to the music, slapping his thighs, crying be get the band to pick up the beat. EDDIE (CENT INUING ) idle wi Fe wants you to get new friends. 'Cause me and you have secrets she'll never know. And new friends can never be as good, 'cause we've got a history. BILLY It won't change, only if we let it. Billy keeps ,slapping his thighs, but the dr.:mmer and the saxophonist continue on, unaware of Billy's private urgings. (CONTINUED') C0N.II'LcD : BITT Y f nti- Yirg? This is getting me crazy. Billy goes toward the small stage. BILLY (O.S.) (CONTINUING) Come on, guyst Pick up the beat! They don't respond. Eddie sits at the bar amused. Billy claps his hands to a strong rhythm, but of course, the guys pay no attention. Billy goes up on the stage and pulls a cover off a small piano in the corner. He sits down and runs his fingers down the keyboard, then starts to play. It bas a nice, pleasant sound to it. The dr er and the saxophonist stop, not knowing what to do. The Stripper also stops. The club bouncer at the front door turns toward the stage, notices something is wrong and makes his way forward. Billy's "piano playing becomes more intense. Stronger. He drives the keys hard. Full tilt rock ane roll. The sound becomes infectious. The sailors and other customers pick up the beat. One after another they start to pound the tables with the wooden mallets. Eddie moves toward the stage banging empty beer battles together . The saxophonist joins Billy. Then the dry--?e,. The Stripper stands by the side of the stage watching. The music builds. Billy's fingers pound the piano. Eddie jL ps up on the stage and starts dancing around. He grabs the Stripper and they jitterbug. The sailors and other customers are cn their feet, banging .the mallets Cr. the tables for all they are worth. A room full of dr-=..e,s. The Lemon heightens. Billy kicks back the stool a la Jerry Lee Lewis. The crowd cheers. The bouncer cheers along. The saxophonist struts the stage playing his heart out. The dr'er drives the bass dr.:.m with his foot. His hands sweep back and forth across the skins. Eddie's feet are flying. Enthusiasm over grace. The Scrip per is a whirlwind of motion and sexuality. The tempo is fierce. (COVTI:TLZJ) F C0NTTNLED: Ril i" _lMI IkC tZtT ?' ??rt ,,..-,p n ? ca vnn?+nn r? The .sc builds, and bu=lds, and t.,en altogether they s u.. WW&A. e place e:cplodes in cheer and applause, CUT TO: EXT. TFZ BLOCK - NIGHT Billy and Eddie walk with their arms around the Stripper. They are enjoying one another. EDDIE . let's see. STRIPPER First joke you remember. RDDIE Ah, let's see. Filth ?rade. Junior Scholastic Magazine. Hic' tory hickory, doc._. _.The mouse ran . up the..,- clock. The clock struck one.,, and the other taro escaped with minor injuries.' Billy and the Stripper boo. Eddie Laughs. STRIPPER That's terrible. _ EDDIE Fifth grade huWcr. S TRIPPER Since then your hu o has moved up to the sixth grade, is that it? Eddie laughs. He enjoys the put-down. _..._ EDDIE - You're all right. STRIPPER You guys have made my night. You should come dewy, and hang out more often. EDDIE Don't think I can. Getting ma--- ' ed. Billy looks- at him. - Eddie smiles. (COii T INLTED) EDDIE (CONTINUING; TO BILLY) Figured she would have gotten the Alan Aaeche question that Shrevie screwed up. BILLY Benefit of the doubt. EDDIE Exactly. STRIPPER I love weddings. Just never found the time to settle... or wanted to. (TO BILLY) And you? BILLY No marriage. STRIPPER Got a girl? BILLY Not really. Just in love. STRIP?ER Does the girl know? BILLY Yeah, I told her about it. STRIPPER Told her? Did you show her? Billy thinks about that as they enter an all-ciaht cootee shop. CUT TO: EXT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT Billy, Eddie, and the Stripper sit in q.booth by the win- dow, eating, drinking and laeeahing. The CA?'RA SLOWLY .PULLS BACK. The first rays of morning light are breaking behind the building. The CA:"'RA KEEPS PULLING BACK. CUT TO: E cr. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY ,'vN Cc?ISHOL' rides her horse across the gently rolling hills . The ho L se and her-"are one; Grace and bra She rides OUT OF F: 'E. Seconds later Boogie rides a horse INTO FR.'%lE. He pulls up on the horse and cc .es to a stop. He watches Ann ride, then pulls up his collar on his wool overcoat and rides off. Boogie rides after Ann. Although he is not a goad rider, he pushes to pick up ground.. Finally, he pulls alongside. Ann slows her horse and Boogie does the same. BOCCIE Nice morning. ANN Yes, it is. BOOGIE Mornings I've always felt are a good time to ride. - Ann doesn't- respond. - BOOGIE (CONTINUING) (f You live around here? ANN Not around here. Here. Boogie looks around what seems like endless ccun yside. He's over,whelmed. LNN (CONTINUING) Which means you are trespassing. Boogie looks her in the eye and flashes his smile. BOOGIE -- '---I was wait ng for an invite. Ann studies him. ANN Let's ride. She kicks her horse and gallops off. Boogie follows As they ride AWAY FROM CAMERA. ANN (CONTINUING) What's your name? (COIN TIL =)) CONTINL D: BO CI ' Boogie. As in Bobby Shef tel.. They ride over a crest and disappear from sight. CUT TO: INT. BANQUET HALL - WEDDING ROOM - NIGHT The "Wedding Rcom" has been elaborately decorated. Potted blue and white flowers in stands line the aisle to the blue and white flower-d altar. The room is a festival of blue. and white. The guests sit in fold;.ng chairs eagerly waiting for, the wedding procession to begin. The MUSIC BEGINS. However, it is not the traditional wedding math but rather the Baltimore Colts'Fight Song. Even though the organist has softened it, there is still _a _"rah-rah" quality to it. The flower girl comes down the--- aisle throwing white flowers on the blue aisle. Modell with his GIRLFRIEND. GIRL RIEND What is that music? MO DELL Colt Marching Song. Sounds good, huh? The ushers come for4ar3. Boogie and Fenwick, followed by Shrevie, who walks alone. They are all smartly dressed in black tuxedos. The bridesmaids come forward. Beth and another girl. Fol- lowed by tao more girls. Followed by two more girls. Billy and Eddie start down- the aisle. Behind them is Eddie's Mother and Father. They walk on either side of his grandmother. The COLT ING SONG CONTINUES ON. Eddie sees someone sitting one seat in from the aisle. He whispers to Billy. BILLY Moon Shaw? Where? (CONTINUED) CONT ?NUZD : td t rh? -:td. B:L117 1K5 otter. BILLY (C ONTINUING) You're right? As they start to -pass, Billy leans into the row and grabs Moon Shaw by the shirt. He pulls back his fist. Jxoor is- shocked. - BILLY (CONTINUING) Hi, Moon. ° He smiles, lets him go and rejoins Eddie, having missed only a few steps. No one is quite sure what has happened. Quickly the attention is back to the wedding procession. LONG SHOT -. THE HALL --as Elyse and her -mother and --father-come down -the-ai-s7le.- CIJT TO: INT. WEDDING ROOM. - TIGHT SHOT - EDDIE'S .-AC NIGHT IAB3I (O.S.) Do you, Edward, take this woman, Elyse, to be your lawful wedded wife?' For better or worse, in sickness and in health,. until death do you part? EDDIE I do . RABBI (O.S.) Do you, Elyse... TIGH SHOT - FENWIC{' S FACE CBI (O.S.) take this man, Edward, to be... TIGHT SHOT - BOOGIE'S FACE RABBI (O.S.) your lawful wedded husband. t For better or worse... TIGHT SHOT - BILLY'S FACE R4_3BI -(O.S.) in sickness aril in health, till death do you part? TIGHT SHOT - EDDIL' S FACE ELYSE (O,S.) I do. Eddie smiles. RABBI (O.S.) I now proncui ce yot an and wife. CUT TO INT . BANQUET MALL - NIGHT -The hall is also decorated in blue and white. The table clothes, th_e napkins, ribbons, flowers, the bandstand, - -. - - - __ - ---.- the band. The six-piece band plays a nice, perky, dance t ne. Some women dance with women. Mothers dance with sons, fathers and daughters and some husbands with wives. Shrevie dances with Beth and they seem to be enjoying themselves. C.?NaRA PANS TO Fenwick and the eleventh grader, Diane. DIANE Why not travel the United States? Fr`IW CK It's been done. Europe. Europe looks like a smile. Cr=1 'RA PA NS TO Boogie and Ann C'._sho'.m. He is staetieg Co walk coward the buffet table. ANN Bobby, I think I will have a few more of. (holding up an HORS D'OEUV-E) , whatever this hors d'oeu' e is. CAA PA PAN'S TO a banner on the back wall that reads: EDDIE AND ELYSE. FOR THE 60'S AND FOREVER. CUT TO INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT (SLIGHTLY LATER) A SLOW SONG IS PLAYING. Billy- and Barbara dance. BARBARA I made arrangemefits with my boss. He said not to worry. The job was mine. BILLY That was nice of him. BARBARA So, I'll work and care for the child. It can be done. I'll just have to put up with those who want to think badly of me. BILLY That's not going to be easy. BARBARA I know The baby is ours, Billy. We can both celebrate that. You can love him just as much, spend time with him or her. Boogie and Ann pass then Boogie kisses Ann lightly on the cheek. BILLY You know what I realized just yesterday? I've been intimidated by you. I always liked you because you were strong, independent, and all. But I've been intimidated by that as well. I've always held -.back with you.- When we kissed, I held back. The same when we made Luve in New York. I keep thinking I have to be special, like normal passion wasn't proper... as if it were just too ordinary and we were beyond that. Barbara pulls away from him slightly so she can see his face. There's a sad look in his eyes. (CONTIN ED) CONTINUED : BARBARA If that's the case, think that's a hard thing to CORRECT; She kisses him, they hold each other tightly, BARBARA (CONTINUING) We've got plenty of time to find out about one another. Plenty of time. _He .kisses her. They stand still on tha dance _floor nsothers dance around them. CUT TO: INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT (LATER) Elyse stands with her BACK TO THE Holding the bouquet up toward -the eagerl - await SJ She tosses the bouquet from the stage. Seated at the table They look down at the bouquet, then at Boogie, There is a faint smile on their faces. THE END
Rev. 3/25/92 (Blue) Rev. 4/03/92 (Pink) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN written by Marty Kaplan HOLLYWOOD PICTURES PRODUCTION REVISION 500 South Buena Vista Burbank, CA 91521 March 17, 1992 (818) 560-3370 THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 FADE IN: 1 A FLASH OF LIGHT 1 A radiant shiny something dazzling in EXTREME CLOSEUP. BEGIN TITLES. CAMERA very slowly PULLS BACK. The sparkling surface turns out to be a lot of carats. WE SEE the stone, then the ring, then suddenly, in b.g., something HUGE SWEEPS by. REVEAL a mechanical claw above the ring, hanging from a crane. The ring sits in a sea of tiny dolls, joke eyeballs, and other carnival junk. The claw descends on the ring again and again, sometimes catching it for a moment then tragically dropping it -- accompanied by OOHS and AAHS (O.S.) of hope and disap- pointment. INTERCUT with the HANDS of a young black man working the controls. The EYES of a young black woman watching him work. Another guy's HANDS digging in his pocket for change. QUARTERS going into the slot. MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) This'll never work, Tommy. TOMMY (O.S.) Be positive, Armando. Course it will. The claw inadvertently snags a rabbit's foot. TOMMY (O.S.) Look. See what a lucky fuck I am? WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) He don't mean the ring, hon, he means the whole plan. TOMMY (O.S.) So do I. The claw catches the ring and closes on it. QUICK CUTS of their FACES as the crane rises. A very pretty lady. A beefy Latino with a two-day beard. Their apprehension. Tommy's confidence. Then his exceptional smile. He gets the ring. 2 INT. PENNY ARCADE - DAY 2 TOMMY Okay -- one down, one to go. (returning to the claw) You got quarters, Loretta? END TITLES. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 2. 3 EXT. FLORIDA LUXURY HOTEL - DAY 3 Palm trees. The smell of money. Valets in Foreign Legion khakis greeting arriving luxury cars. 4 INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 4 A big crowd of GUESTS at a cocktail reception. A lot of lime jackets, cherry trousers, and blue hair. People wear name tags. ON Tommy, in pastel bow tie and full waiter drag, con- firming orders for a group of guests. He speaks in a PRISSY, OVER-SOLICITIOUS VOICE: TOMMY That's a diet ginger ale, an extra- spicy virgin mary no salt, a club soda -- good choice -- a lime rickey, and a bourbon and a planter's punch. Five people, five drinks... it's Kismet! Tommy turns away, looking toward the entrance to the room. 5 INT. LOBBY - DAY - CLOSE SHOT - THE RING 5 glittering on Loretta's finger. LORETTA, stunning in designer clothing and accessories, enters. Her looks attract looks. 6 INT. FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 6 Tommy, maintaining his vantage point, repeats another order, this time in a heavy CARRIBEAN ACCENT: TOMMY That's a vodka tonic, a Pellegrino, lime and no ice, a gin Gibson straight up with ex-tra onions -- I am also fond of de onions -- and a Chardonnary spritzer...also with extra onions -- no, no, do not worry, that is just a little joke. There will be no onions whatsoever in your spritzer! He LAUGHS HUGELY, rather amused with himself. The guests aren't. GUEST You don't need to write it down? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 3. 6 CONTINUED: 6 TOMMY Mr. Memory? Do not make me laugh! He LAUGHS HUGELY, turns, takes two steps away and makes absolutely no effort to get their drinks. He looks toward the door. 7 INT. HALLWAY/ENTRANCE TO FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 7 Loretta approaches the function room, where pert DEBBIE, wearing a JOHNSON FOR CONGRESS button, staffs a felt- covered table. On a nearby easel, a photo of a silver- haired Man with a legend in blue and gold: JEFF JOHNSON. THE NAME YOU KNOW. LORETTA (Eurotrash accent) I'm not too late, am I, dear? (extending a hand) Hello, darling, Alma Preston, how are you today? DEBBIE Thanks for coming, Ms. Preston, I'm Debbie Bartle. (consulting a list) Do we have your check yet? Loretta pulls a Mont Blanc pen and a checkbook from her bag. LORETTA No, honey, I don't think you do, we just got in last night from our place in Barbados -- how much is it? DEBBIE Five hundred a person. Barbados? LORETTA (writing) Yes, we're just down the beach from Mick Jagger and Jerry. (looking up) You wouldn't turn down a couple of thousand, would you? A pleased smile from Debbie. Loretta opens the check- book, flashing the immense RING in front of Debbie. DEBBIE Um, that's a lovely ring. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 4. 7 CONTINUED: 7 LORETTA Oh, thank you. I thought it might be a little gaudy...who should I make this out to? DEBBIE Johnson for Congress. It's not gaudy, it's just...nice and big. LORETTA That's my Carlos...I can't even look in a store window. We're walking down this street in Rio, we pass a jewelry store...I didn't even turn my head and he's in the shop... (holds up ring) ...$250,000. I said it's crazy... but you know Carlos. DEBBIE I wish I did. ON Tommy watching Loretta. A Guest standing just behind Tommy -- wearing MRS. ZEKE BRIDGES name tag -- watches JEFF JOHNSON gladhand the room robustly. MRS. BRIDGES I hear they had him open for six hours. ZEKE, a very fat cigar-smoker, marvels at Johnson's appearance. ZEKE (chuckling) The sum' bitch looks terrific. Tommy, eavesdropping, joins Zeke's chuckle, which unfor- tunately turns into a wheeze and then a cough. Zeke turns to Tommy. ZEKE How about taking our orders, son? TOMMY Absolutely my friend! How can I pleasure you? ZEKE Bourbon straight up and a Perrier rocks for the lady. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 5. 7 CONTINUED: (2) 7 TOMMY Ah! Fire and ice! Wonderful! But may I suggest you make that a double sir? After all, so many guests, so few of me -- who knows when I may be back? ZEKE Sure, why not. AT THE ENTRANCE LORETTA pauses before going into the room. LORETTA You know where the powder room is, hon? I should freshen my face before I go in. DEBBIE It's just over there. ON JEFF JOHNSON with his well-groomed wife, VERA, and a barrel-chested Man in full resort wear, wearing an OLAF ANDERSEN name tag. JOHNSON So how the heck are you, Olaf? ANDERSEN I should be asking how you are, congressman. Johnson pats his chest and smiles at Vera. JOHNSON This old ticker never felt better. ANDERSEN It's good to see you back on your feet, Jeff. We need you in Washington. Inconspicuously, a pretty young redhead whispers to Vera. This is JENNIFER, Johnson's Administrative Assistant (his AA). VERA JOHNSON How's that granddaughter of yours, Olaf? Ready for the Olympics? ANDERSEN She'll be thrilled you asked after her. 8 IN THE HALLWAY Loretta emerges from the Ladies' Room... 8 catches a spike heel... recovers her balance... then frantically searches her hands and clothes, SCREAMS, and gets down on hands and knees. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 6. 8 CONTINUED: 8 LORETTA My God! My God! Oh my God! Debbie rushes over to her. DEBBIE What's the matter? LORETTA (hyperventilating) My -- my ring. My diamond. I took it off in the ladies' room to wash my hands. I was just putting it on -- I must have dropped it. DEBBIE (getting down) Let me help you, we'll find it. LORETTA Call Security! 9 IN THE FUNCTION ROOM Tommy maintains his watch on 9 Loretta. Zeke Bridges taps Tommy on the shoulder. ZEKE Hey, what about our drinks? Tommy instantly assumes an ANGRY YOUNG STREET BLACK VOICE: TOMMY Yeah? What you want? ZEKE What? You already took our order. TOMMY That wasn't me! You must be thinking of Jamal. I'm Karim. What you want? ZEKE Bourbon straight up and a Perrier rocks. TOMMY (snorts derisively) Hunh. He walks two steps...and once again makes no attempt to get the drinks. Zeke returns to Jeff Johnson. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 7. 9 CONTINUED: 9 ZEKE Don't get me wrong, Jeff. Pyramid Insurance doesn't want special breaks. I just think we ought to be able to set our own rates without Uncle Sam sticking his nose in our business. Johnson signals Jennifer to come over. JOHNSON Do you know my AA? Zeke Bridges, this is Jennifer, my Administrative Assistant. Zeke's been a tremendous help to us. I'd like you to listen to his view on health insurance. JENNIFER I'd be very happy to. ZEKE At Pyramid Insurance, we call our approach the Patient's Bill of Rights. 10 IN THE HALLWAY Loretta and Debbie are on hands and 10 knees, still looking. A pair of shoes comes INTO FRAME. They LOOK up at a bullet-headed man. BRUNO Ms. Preston? Bruno Handler, hotel security. LORETTA My ring! My ring! Oh my god...! BRUNO Now just calm down, Ma'am... can you describe the ring? LORETTA It's a diamond ring! A big diamond ring! Oh my Christ! She's frantic. Debbie takes Bruno aside. DEBBIE I saw it. It's huge... it must be like eight carats. She says it was a quarter of a million dollars! Bruno turns back to Loretta, trying to calm her. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 8. 10 CONTINUED: 10 BRUNO Ma'am... calm down. Now, is the ring insured? LORETTA Of course it's insured! But you know how it works -- if I report it, they'll cancel me. And I don't want another ring! I need this ring! The ring Carlos gave me. Bruno turns, speaks into the walkie-talkie he's carrying. BRUNO Where the fuck is housekeeping? I called for those dickheads ninety seconds ago. 11 IN THE FUNCTION ROOM the Guests have gathered to hear 11 Johnson speak. As Andersen introduces him, Tommy con- tinues eyeing Loretta. ANDERSEN Now I won't run through Jeff's record -- he's been in Congress twenty years, and I've only got two minutes. I'll just say this: When those of us in pharmaceuticals, or agribusiness, or insurance, or (indicating himself) utilities, or you name it -- when we've needed him, Jeff's been there for us. And we've been there for Jeff, too -- we raised a hundred thousand dollars today! (APPLAUSE) Without further ado, our man in Washington, Jefferson Davis Johnson. 12 IN THE HALLWAY Debbie hears the APPLAUSE (O.S.). She 12 gets up. DEBBIE I should be in there. Good luck, Ms. Preston. I hope you find it. She leaves. Loretta, mascara smeared, gets up, as does Bruno. LORETTA I can't go in there like this. God! Please... listen... I'll pay a ten thousand dollar reward for anybody who finds my ring. Just don't tell Carlos! (suddenly grim) He'll kill me. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 9. 13 IN THE FUNCTION ROOM, as Johnson takes questions, Tommy 13 slips out. QUESTIONER What do you make of all this campaign reform business, Jeff? JOHNSON Well, y'know Ernie... these days, everyone's down on the political action committees and so-called special interests. But, heck, I think you and Fran have a right to participate in our democracy in exactly the way you're doing today. I'm in Congress to represent you. I don't want any so-called reform to take that power away from you. 14 APPLAUSE (O.S.). IN THE HALLWAY Bruno issues orders to 14 two Maintenance Men. BRUNO I want every heating grate opened and inspected. I want every air conditioning duct vacuumed. Do you understand what I'm saying? AS he speaks, Bruno SEES Tommy pass through the hallway ... spot something on the floor... pick it up... furtive- ly put it in his pocket... and walk rapidly toward the door to the kitchens. BRUNO (running after him) Hey, you! Waiter! Hold it right there! Bruno puts an arm on Tommy. Tommy instantly assumes a frantic, wimpy, craven persona, along wth his CARRIBBEAN ACCENT. TOMMY No! Please! Do not report me! I will be deported! BRUNO Calm down. What've you got in your pocket? TOMMY I told the CIA everything! I agreed to poison the pineapples! My green card is in the mail! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 10. 14 CONTINUED: 14 BRUNO Stow it! I'm not Immigration, I'm hotel security. Now, what did you just put in your pocket? TOMMY Nothing. BRUNO I'm warning you, flathead, get cute with me and I will tear you a second asshole. Now a valuable diamond ring is mising... TOMMY Valuable? We can almost see the light bulb click on above Bruno's head. BRUNO Very valuable. All right, I'll give you a hunnert bucks for it. TOMMY A hundred and five? Bruno snorts agreement, goes for his wallet... Tommy goes gor the ring... then suddenly leaps back in a cringe! TOMMY No! It's a trick! You will call me a thief and send me back and the Security Police will make me stand on my head in the guano pit! I have seen such things on CNN! Bruno snaps and GRABS TOMMY BY THE COLLAR. BRUNO Jesus, I'm not trying to trick you... TOMMY No, no... it is a trap! I must turn this over to police. He starts to leave. Bruno grabs him. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 11. 14 CONTINUED: (2) 14 BRUNO Listen, dipshit... a valuable ring is missing and there's thousands of dollars in reward money waiting. So you'd better fork over... TOMMY How big is this... reward? Another lightbulb. BRUNO Um, five hundred dollars. TOMMY You said 'thousands.' BRUNO Yeah. Right. A thousand dollars. TOMMY No, no, no...you said thousands. With an 'S'. This is plural. This means "two or more thousands." BRUNO (deep sigh) Okay, you win. Two thousand. TOMMY Or more. Two or more. Bruno's had enough -- his grip tightens around Tommy's neck. TOMMY Just making a point. 15 IN HOTEL LOBBY AT THE CASHIER'S DESK Bruno slides a 15 check to the Cashier, who counts a stack of bills. Bruno picks up a house phone, dials. 16 INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY 16 ARMANDO, still unshaven, answers the RINGING phone. ARMANDO Hello? INTERCUT with Bruno in the lobby. BRUNO Hello, may I speak with Ms. Preston? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 12. 16 CONTINUED: 16 ARMANDO She's in the bathroom. This is Carlos. Can I take a message? BRUNO (smiling to himself) No, thanks, I'll call back. ARMANDO hangs up the phone and exits the hotel room. BRUNO crosses to the far side of the lobby, where Tommy waits inconspicuously. He gives him the money. Tommy gives him ring. BRUNO Now get back to work! As Tommy heads back to the function room, Bruno picks up a house phone, dials, listens. He dials again, listens. No answer. He dials the operator. BRUNO This is Bruno in Security. Put me through to 502 -- there must be something wrong with the line, I can't get an answer... What do you mean, there's no one in 502? I just spoke to them!... No one's registered in 502? Are you sure?... Well, check again!... Shit! He hangs up, looks at the ring, and realizes he's been taken. His face twisting with rage, he hurries after Tommy. 17 ON TOMMY MOVING swiftly through the function room toward 17 an exit. Zeke Bridges grabs him. ZEKE Hey! Where the hell are our drinks. Surprised, Tommy opts for an EAST INDIAN ACCENT. TOMMY I remember... you were the sloe gin fizz and the mango daquiri? With perhaps a small umbrella for the lady? ZEKE Bourbon neat and a Perrier, dammit! TOMMY And would you still be wanting the umbrella then? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 13. 17 CONTINUED: 17 As Zeke's face flushes in anger, Tommy SEES Bruno come into the room, blood in his eye. Tommy turns sharply and heads out the terrace doors to the -- 18 EXT. COURTYARD - DAY 18 Tommy conceals himself behind a pillar, across the court- yard, away from the Guests. But from another direction, Johnson and Andersen approach, arm in arm, and sit on a bench by the pillar. JOHNSON Olaf, there's something I wanted to sound you out on. As a special friend. ANDERSEN Shoot. Tommy moves away from the pillar, sees Bruno roaming the terrace, and retreats. JOHNSON I'm thinking of retiring from Congress. Andersen's eyes widen in astonishment. ANDERSEN You're what? JOHNSON I'm thinking maybe I won't run. Maybe I should listen more (indicating his heart) to this. Really appreciate these years. Sail around the world. Climb mountains. Enjoy the finer things of life. ANDERSEN Jeff. Listen to me. You can't retire. Florida needs you. I need you. I need you on rates. I need you on regulations. I need you on those environmental nutcases -- JOHNSON Olaf, if I retire this year, I get to keep all the money left over in my campaign treasury. Comes to a very tidy nest-egg. ANDERSEN How tidy? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 14. 18 CONTINUED: 18 JOHNSON One-point-three million. (chuckles) It's called the grandfather loophole. Bruno has gone. But Tommy stays. His eyes light up at the money. ANDERSEN Come on, Jeff. Look at what you'd be giving up. Going to the best resorts in the world and calling it "official business." Golfing and skiing and fishing, and never picking up a tab. And, Jeff -- there's no aphrodisiac like power. You can have some of the most intelligent, attractive women in the country. You've got it made! JOHNSON Oh, I suppose that one-point-three may seem like spare change to the head of Gulf Coast Power, but to a country boy like me -- ANDERSEN Okay, Jeff. I get it. Look. There's a little software company that's about to go through the roof. Johnson smiles at the direction the conversation is taking. ON Tommy also smiling, in admiration at the transaction going down. ANDERSEN A few thousand worth of stock options would stand to make you quite a pile. As long as your blind trust buys them, you're clean -- the SEC can't shake a stick at you. Half a million, easy -- and that's just a start. JOHNSON Well, if you put it like that... I now see I have a duty to continue my career in public service. Johnson stands, puts his arm on Andersen. Tommy emerges, shakes his head, and laughs. TOMMY I'm in the wrong business. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 14A. 19 EXT. BAIT SHACK - DAY 19 A ramshackle bait shack, paint peeling, on the inland waterway. At the rear of the shack, Armando shoots hoops into a tattered net. Loretta, back in jeans, looks at her watch. A bondo-patched Econoline van pulls up. Tommy jumps out, big smile. He gives Loretta an energetic round of APPLAUSE. TOMMY The best li'l roper in America! But she doesn't want the charm. LORETTA You took your time. ARMANDO Cops bust you, Tommy? TOMMY Busted? Moi? Fuck no. He pulls out the wad of bills. Their faces brighten considerably. TOMMY That look like busted? 20 EXT. CAPITOL - NIGHT 20 Washington, D.C. The illuminated dome of the Capitol. 21 INT. CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE - NIGHT 21 CAMERA ROAMS the well-hung walls. From the photos and memorabilia, we realize that we are in the office of Rep. Jeff Johnson. In the reflections on the frames, we GLIMPSE some MOVEMENT on the desk explaining the considerable BREATHING and MOANING (O.S.). JOHNSON (O.S.) Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my... But then a strange GURGLING sound (O.S.) escapes from Johnson. JOHNSON (O.S.) ... God. A silent beat. Then a horrified CRY. Jennifer rises INTO FRAME. JENNIFER Oh my god! THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 14B. 22 INT. CHURCH - FLORIDA - DAY 22 The congregation is SINGING. We SEE the widow Johnson. At her side, in the aisle seat, a powerful man with bushy eyebrows, about 60, in a three-piece suit and watch chain: congressman DICK DODGE. The HYMN ends. Dodge steps up to the pulpit. DODGE It was my honor to serve in Congress with Jeff Johnson for a generation. No one could have been a better legislator. No one could have been a finer husband and father. And now -- He presses the tips of his fingers together and looks skyward, as if communing with his memory of the deceased. DODGE And now God has called his servant home. ANGLE ON Jennifer, in black. DODGE (O.S.) We will miss him. But we are grateful that his passing was so peaceful -- and so like him -- working late into the night at his desk, the consummate public servant. (CONTINUED) 15. 22 CONTINUED: 22 Vera sneaks a look at Jennifer, who is poker-faced. 23 EXT./INT. VERANDA/JOHNSON HOME - DAY 23 On the veranda of the gracious home, mourners pay respects to the family. Dodge puts a gentle hand on the widow's shoulder and draws her aside. He throws a look at Jennifer, who joins them. DODGE Vera, I know you're still in shock from Jeff's... passing. But we have to talk about his seat. Vera stares at Jennifer. She knows the score. JENNIFER Mrs. Johnson, if you'd like to discuss this in private -- VERA You can stay -- what's the difference? DODGE Vera, I'd like you to announce that you're going to run for Congress. Let a few days pass to show proper respect. But next week, I want to stand next to you at a press conference where you declare for Jeff's seat in the House. VERA JOHNSON No, Dick -- no. DODGE There's nothing to be afraid of, Vera. With your name, you can't lose. People around these parts are so used to voting for Jeff Johnson -- why, Mrs. Jeff Johnson would win in a walk. VERA JOHNSON Dick, I was a Washington wife for twenty years. Twenty years of Potomac bullshit is plenty for one lifetime. DODGE Vera, we're talking about becoming a Member of Congress. We're talking about a sure thing. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 16. 23 CONTINUED: 23 JENNIFER Don't worry about running the office -- I'll be there night and day. VERA JOHNSON I'm sure you would, dear. But I couldn't give you the same job satisfaction Jeff gave you. Jennifer, embarrassed, didn't know Vera knew. Nor did Dodge. 24 OMITTED 24 25 EXT. CONDOMINUM COMPLEX - DAY 25 A retirement community in the Florida sunshine. 26 INT. CONDO ELEVATOR/HALLWAY - DAY - THE ELEVATOR DOORS 26 open. A supermarket shopping cart full of groceries, tied with a big bow, rolls out, pushed by Tommy. Loretta accompanies him. Tommy BUZZES at a door. It's answered by Tommy's GRANDMA, a limber lady in leggings and a bright top. She sees the groceries, kisses him. GRANDMA This is very sweet of you, darling. But you shouldn't have done it. Where did you get the money? TOMMY You don't want to know. 27 INT. GRANDMA'S CONDO - DAY 27 Tommy and Loretta are watching the track results on the local tv news. Tommy, playing solitaire, shuffles bril- liantly. Grandma comes in from the kitchen, shaking her head. GRANDMA How did I end up with a thief for a grandson? TOMMY Grandma -- I told you. I'm not a thief. I'm a con man. An artist. GRANDMA But also a crook. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 17. 27 CONTINUED: 27 TOMMY But I only con crooks, Grandma. You can't con an honest man. Only somebody who wants something for nothing. (pause) But the good Lord must have been fond of pigeons, because he made so many of them. GRANDMA Sometimes I just wish you were more like your Daddy... TOMMY You mean, dead? GRANDMA No, smartmouth... I mean someone who made something of himself. LORETTA (pointing at TV) LOOK...it's the ad! VIDEO...a cheap TV spot -- a busty blonde in a skimpy outfit tossing her hair and pouting. LORETTA (V.O.) (fake Swedish accent) I am Inga. I'm here from Sweden and I'm s-o-o lonely. I need a man...and so do my girlfriends. VIDEO...Scantily-clad babes to match the names. Loretta speaks along with the V.O. LORETTA (AND V.O.) ...Maria, my hotblooded Spanish friend...Babette, the Parisian pussycat...and many others. So call the "Girls of Many Nations," at 1-900-555-NATO. SUPER: CALL 1-900-555-NATO. LORETTA (Swedish accent) So what do you think of my accent, Grandma? GRANDMA Compared to what? Loretta, why don't you go baste the turkey? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 18. 27 CONTINUED: (2) 27 Loretta gets up and goes for the kitchen. We hear a high-pitched ELECTRONIC WARBLE. Tommy reaches into Loretta's purse and pulls out a cellular phone. TOMMY (calls to Loretta) See? I told you TV advertising works. He opens the phone and speaks in a toneless, recording- like voice. TOMMY Hello...you have reached Girls of Many Nations. For Hot Blooded Italian Wildcats, press "one" now. (nothing) For Perky American Cheerleaders, press "two" now. (nothing) For a Sultry Swedish Love Goddess, press "three" now... ("BEEP") He covers the mouthpiece and calls to Loretta. TOMMY Bingo! Loretta...guy wants to speak to Inga. LORETTA (o.c.) Tell him to call back. I'm basting. TOMMY grins mischievously and speaks into the phone in the husky voice of a SWEDISH WOMAN. TOMMY Ja, this is Inga. Hello Paul... how are you tonight? You are feeling naughty? That's all right ...you have your what in a bowl of oatmeal? Yes, that is very naughty, and maybe a little sick. GRANDMA Disgusting. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 19. 27 CONTINUED: (3) 27 TOMMY Oh NO! It's my husband Lars. He's home early, I must go before ...you want to talk to Lars too? So you like to talk dirty out of both sides of your mouth. (normal voice) Man, you are one twisted bastard! Laughing, he hangs up. GRANDMA Tommy, please! TOMMY Sorry, grandma, just getting a third minute out of him. He clicks off the phone and slams it back into Loretta's purse. Loretta, meanwhile, has reappeared. LORETTA You hung up on Paul? He's one of my best customers. GRANDMA I can't believe any relative of mine does that for a living. LORETTA C'mon Gramma...it's only my voice. They never actually meet me. GRANDMA So my granddaughter talks dirty for a living and my grandson's a thief. TOMMY What's up, Grandma? Are you embarrassed to show my picture around the pool? GRANDMA Of course I'm not. Look. She goes to her sewing basket and pulls something from it. She unfolds it: a long piece of needlepoint she's been working on. INSERT It spells out Tommy's full name: Thomas Jefferson Johnson. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 20. 27 CONTINUED: (4) 27 GRANDMA (O.S.) Look what these arthritic hands been doing. BACK TO SCENE GRANDMA Make me proud of you, Tommy. Make me proud of the name you carry. In the silence between them that follows, we HEAR the tv. GENERAL MANAGER I'm Ned Grable, vice president and general manager of WFLA. We think Mrs. Jeff Johnson did the right thing in not running for the congressional seat left vacant by her husband's death. The editorial catches Grandma's attention. GENERAL MANAGER Jeff Johnson's name may still be magic. But it'll take more than the magic of name recognition to solve our region's problems. I'm Ned Grable. GRANDMA Name recognition. Lordy, what a notion. People have to be some boobs just to vote for someone because their name is Johnson. Tommy's eyes widen. GRANDMA I remember once back in Georgia, they even elected a dead man. His name was still on the ballot -- people were just used to voting for him. TOMMY What did you say, Grandma? 28 EXT. BAIT SHACK - DAY 28 HOMER, the proprietor of Homer's Pit Stop, wearing fuel- smeared overalls, is dieseling a Customer's boat down by the water. TOMMY (O.S.) Homer! Get your ass over here! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 20A. 28 CONTINUED: 28 Up by the racks of junk food and beer, and pails of fish slop, Tommy and Armando await Homer. In b.g., an older black gentleman plays checkers, solo. This is VAN DYKE. ARMANDO What's this about, jefe? TOMMY (calling) Loretta! Get off the damn phone! ARMANDO This better be good. TOMMY (sarcastic mimic) "This better be good." Loretta! ON LORETTA on the pay phone, moaning in Swedish ecstasy. LORETTA Oh, ya, ya, God, you're so big! (waving at Tommy) Uh-oh, I have to go now, my husband Sven is home early... Tommy grabs the phone. He pushes aside a protesting Loretta... TOMMY Goddammit, Inga, is it that pervert again! Damn! He smacks the receiver with his hand. TOMMY (into receiver) Listen, you little shit -- I just spent eight years in the joint, nobody talks to my woman like that! I got your adress, I got a machete, I got two Rotweilers... I'm gonna come to your house and tear your ass up! (hangs up, laughing) LORETTA Okay, Tommy, what's so damn important? HOMER Yeah, I got work to do. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 21. 28 CONTINUED: (2) 28 They all look at him expectantly. He takes a dramatic pause, then launches into a "Come to Jesus" speech. TOMMY My friends, I want to tell you about a town where the streets are paved with gold. This is a town where the marks give you money before you ask. A town where they take you to dinner after you fuck 'em. A town where when they need money, they just print more. This is a town where a guy bounced nine hundred checks and he didn't even have to skip town!!! ARMANDO Ain't no town like that. LORETTA You mean Vegas? TOMMY No. (beat) Washington, D.C. I'm going to run for Congress. His big smile meets their blank surprise. Their faces fall. LORETTA What is this, a joke? HOMER I don't get it. ARMANDO What's the con, Tommy? TOMMY Van Dyke. You remember Willie Sutton? VAN DYKE Of blessed memory. TOMMY You remember what he said? They asked him, Why do you rob banks? And he said, That's where the money is. I tell you, people -- Washington. That's where the money is. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 22. 28 CONTINUED: (3) 28 Tommy produces a sheaf of Xeroxes and pamphlets. TOMMY I found this shit in the library. You know how much a congressman makes? A hundred and thirty a year -- and that's just base pay for getting your ass elected. Then there are these things called PACs, and these lobbyists, whose whole point in life is to buy you off. It's the con of a lifetime -- and the damn thing is, it's legal! This is hot, people, we can do this! ARMANDO Who "we," white man? TOMMY You never heard of staff, Armando? I get in, I get a staff allowance of five hundred and thirty-seven grand a year -- Loretta wolf-WHISTLES. TOMMY -- which I will generously share with you. LORETTA And how exactly were you going to get your butt to Congress? HOMER Yeah -- why would anyone vote for you? TOMMY Not for me, Homer. For Jeff Johnson. Name recognition -- that's what it's all about. You think folks know their congressman died? I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson, I guarantee they'll vote for me. Now all's I have to do is get on the ballot. LORETTA Which is how? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 23. 28 CONTINUED: (4) 28 TOMMY Which is where you folks come in. (picking up a ream of forms) All's we have to do is collect five thousand six hundred twenty five signatures. ARMANDO You shittin' us? HOMER In your dreams, Tommy. TOMMY You people got a better idea? VAN DYKE I do. 29 INT. SILVER FOXES CHAPTER - DAY 29 Senior citizens fold brochures, stuff envelopes, make phone calls. Van Dyke and Tommy enter. TOMMY Okay... gimme the four-one-one on these Silver Foxes Again. It's a bunch of old folks who like to vote? VAN DYKE Don't laugh, they get an enormous turnout. But the big thing is, they have their own line on the ballot. They already got the signatures. TOMMY Ah. VAN DYKE The lady we're meeting, Hattie Rifkin, they call her the condo queen. TOMMY So all I have to do is snow one old lady. Don't sound like major surgery. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 24. 30 INT. INNER OFFICE - SILVER FOXES - DAY 30 Tommy and Van Dyke are seated opposite HATTIE RIFKIN, a high-energy woman, 70s, with a frizz of white curls. HATTIE So, what brings you here? You want to talk politics... talk! VAN DYKE We were wondering who you were going to run for Congress this year. HATTIE Oh, the usual sacrifical lamb. Probably Sylvia Roland. She just lost her husband, she needs to meet new people. Why? TOMMY Mrs. Rifkin... I want to run. HATTIE Well, I want to run too -- but with this plastic hip, it's not gonna happen. Tommy breaks up. In spite of himself, he's charmed by the salty old babe. TOMMY What I mean is... I'd like to run for Congress on the Silver Fox ticket. I care about you and your issues. HATTIE Yeah, that's what my son says. But does he call? Anyway, what makes you think a group of alter cockers are gonna support a man who hasn't clipped his first nose hair yet? TOMMY Because I can win. HATTIE No, no... a Democrat can win. A Republican can win. A Silver Fox can only make a symbolic point. TOMMY Mrs. RIfkin, if you give me a ballot line, and if I can get support from... (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 25. 30 CONTINUED: 30 HATTIE If... if. Ven die bubbah halla tsehen qulishkes, het gehaya zadeh. TOMMY Sure, but... besser die viller ein der kenner. Hattie cracks up. Tommy leans over and translates for Van Dyke: TOMMY She said, 'If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.' HATTIE (recovering) Where the Hell did you learn to speak Yiddish? TOMMY The same place I learned to hustle shtarkers at gin rummy. From Morris Elfbein... the Gin King of Miami Beach. HATTIE No kidding... you knew the Rudolf Valentino of Dade County? TOMMY He taught me a great deal. He taught me you don't always need the best cards to win. HATTIE Maybe not in gin, but in politics, young man, you need money to win, you need a name to win, you... TOMMY Oh, I have a name. HATTIE What, you're an athlete, a movie star? I don't get out as much as I used to. You're not on MTV, are you? TOMMY No ma'am. My name is Johnson. Jeff Johnson. The Name You Know. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 26. 30 CONTINUED: (2) 30 She ponders for a minute. And then she gets it. A wicked smile. HATTIE Jeff Johnson. Well, that's a name even our Alzheimer's Group will remember. (beat; shakes her head) Still, for a full-up campaign, we'd need materials, we'd need ads... TOMMY You leave that to me, Mrs. R. 31 INT. JOHNSON HOME - DAY 31 The widow Johnson is pouring tea for Tommy, now in super- nerd drag -- wire-rim glasses and tweed sport jacket. VERA JOHNSON I'm not sure I understand, Professor Franklin -- you wrote your doctoral thesis on my husband? TOMMY He was a great man, Mrs. Johnson. He did so much for my people. VERA JOHNSON He... did? TOMMY Oh, yes. I'll never forget when he said 'Welfare is a drug -- and you gotta kick it cold turkey.' It was... inspirational. VERA JOHNSON Really... well, I'm sure... TOMMY And I was actually in the audience when he said, 'If you people would just get off your dead asses and look for work, this country might be fit to live in again.' Powerful stuff. VERA JOHNSON It's very kind of you to say so. And you're very kind to come all the way from... where was it? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 27. 31 CONTINUED: 31 TOMMY Wilson-Pickett State Teachers College. But I didn't just come to pay respects, ma'am. I came because your husband deserves an archive. A place where scholars can study his legacy. A storehouse for the record of his remarkable career. VERA JOHNSON I see. So you want... his papers? TOMMY Oh, not just his papers, Mrs. Johnson. Everything. Buttons, posters, bumper stickers. All the paraphernalia of his campaigns -- proof of his political genius. Now I realize that you may have a sentimental attachment to a few items... VERA JOHNSON Take 'em. TOMMY I beg your pardon. VERA JOHNSON Take 'em all. Would you like the wedding photos, too? TOMMY Well, I don't think that's necess... VERA JOHNSON Good -- that way you won't have to go rooting around in the garbage. Is there anything else? TOMMY Well, um... no. VERA JOHNSON More tea? Or something stronger? I know it's only ten-thirty, but, hell, sun's over the yardarm somewhere, right? TOMMY Actually, ma'am, I should be getting back. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 28. 31 CONTINUED: (2) 31 VERA JOHNSON You're in pretty good shape for a professor. D'you work out? Tommy rises and packs his briefcase hastily. TOMMY Look, I, um, have a class to teach. You know how blind students are... they're so dependent. (edges toward door) Don't worry ma'am... your materials will be in good hands. 32 EXT. WHARF - DAY - CLOSE ANGLE - A SCISSORS 32 cuts the RE- off a RE-ELECT JEFF JOHNSON bumper sticker in familiar blue and gold. Van Dyke, Armando, and Homer have a production line going, doctoring the old Johnson campaign materials, slicing off and painting out the RE-'s and the years. VAN DYKE Are you sure you don't want to come to Washington with us, Homer? HOMER You bums got time on your hands. (indicating bait shack) I got a business to run. ON LORETTA working the RINGING pay phone. LORETTA Hello? Who? The League of Women Voters? Sorry, Mr. Johnson won't be attending the debate. No -- no, Betty, I'm sorry, I can't tie up this line. (hangs up; it RINGS) Hello? The Sarasota Star-Ledger? I'm sorry, we're out of photographs. No, you can't, Mr. Johnson has just had surgery for a deviated septum. (hangs up; it RINGS) Hello? (brightening) Ya, this is Inga. PAN TO TOMMY training a home video camera on a poster that reads JEFF JOHNSON FOR CONGRESS. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 29. 32 CONTINUED: 32 TOMMY (very white) We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson waving a flag. We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson kissing babies. We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson doing anything, because you already know what Jeff Johnson can do. 33 INT. JOHNSON HOME - NIGHT - ON TV SCREEN 33 The poster fills the screen. TOMMY (V.O.) Tomorrow, vote for Jeff Johnson. The name you know. A very puzzled Vera Johnson watches the ad on tv. 34 SERIES OF SHOTS - NIGHT (MOS) 34 The congressional district sleeps. But in the darkness, a kind of D-Day onslaught is under way. QUICK SUPER- IMPOSED CUTS of Tommy's secret army of Silver Foxes, opening crates, fanning through parking lots, swarming over lawns, driving in stakes, tacking up posters everywhere. INCLUDE Tommy climbing a telephone pole... Armando shinnying up a light pole across the street... Loretta and Van Dyke pulling on a rope... which hoists a huge bundle to Tommy... who opens and unfolds it... and gets an end through the air to Armando. They unfurl the biggest banner imaginable. JEFF JOHNSON: THE NAME YOU KNOW 35 EXT. COMMERCIAL STREET - DAWN 35 CAMERA TILTS DOWN. Every square inch of town seems to have been plastered with JOHNSON FOR CONGRESS material. It's on billboards, bumpers, bus shelters, balloons, banners, utility poles... all in the late congressman's signature design. 36 QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS - DAY 36 The Econoline, now a JOHNSON ad on wheels, ghetto-blasters mounted front and back on the roof, rolls by a Jewish deli ...a soul food joint... a whitebread country club... a Chinese restaurant... At each, Tommy's amplified VOICE says: (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 30. 36 CONTINUED: 36 TOMMY Jeff Johnson. The name you know. In a different appropriate accent. 37 EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY 37 In front of a polling place, Van Dyke pulls up in a hearse with an ELECT JOHNSON banner. So, driving muscle cars, do Armando, Homer, and Loretta -- Tommy's get-out-the-vote fleet. Exhilarated senior citizens pile out, led by Hattie. 38 INT. POLLING PLACE - DAY 38 An ordinary Couple, 40s, sign the registration book, then enter adjacent voting carrels. After a moment, the HUSBAND leans out. HUSBAND Who are we voting for Congress? WIFE Don't we always vote for Johnson? HUSBAND That's it -- Johnson. HIS HAND punches the hole in the ballot next to Johnson. 39 VIDEO 39 A NETWORK ANCHOR at an election-night news set. NETWORK ANCHOR If you're just joining us, our exit polls project that in Florida, an unknown, independent candidate whose sole asset appears to be his name may just possibly win a slim victory. 40 OMITTED 40 thru thru 42 42 43 EXT. BAIT SHACK - NIGHT 43 Blinding lights. Media circus. TV power cords, a huge tangle snaking back toward mobile generators. Cameramen narrowly miss knocking each other into the water. A STEEL DRUM BAND plays "Happy Days Are Here Again." (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 31. 43 CONTINUED: 43 The small crowd -- Tommy's cronies, their pals, and a jubilant contingent of Panthers led by Hattie -- lets out a great WHOOP. FLORIDA REPORTER #1 Is that him? Tricia, I believe Congressman-elect Johnson is coming this way. For the first time, we see Tommy wearing a beautifully-cut suit. He's instantly engulfed by lights, cameras, and Supporters. An amazed CAMERAMAN, watching Tommy, whispers to a Producer. CAMERAMAN Jesus -- he's not... white. I actually voted for the guy. I thought he was Jeff Johnson. Tommy jumps onto a bench. APPLAUSE from his Supporters. TOMMY Thank you, thank you, all of you, for your help. Give yourself a round of applause. They do. As APPLAUSE continues (O.S.), CAMERA PANS from Reporter to Reporter to Reporter, their mikes bearing the call-letters of different channels. ON GRANDMA being interviewed. She wears a JOHNSON FOR CONGRESS button and speaks with manifest pride. GRANDMA I've never been so proud in all my life. He was always such a good boy...well, I think he meant well. Sometimes -- well he was a clean child. That's important, I think... PAN TO FLORIDA REPORTER #2 doing a stand-up. FLORIDA REPORTER #2 Then in Massachusetts, there was a guy named Kennedy who got elected, but he wasn't really a Kennedy. PAN TO -- (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 32. 43 CONTINUED: (2) 43 FLORIDA REPORTER #3 A lot of dead incumbents get re-elected, actually. It's an American tradition. ON Tommy. Speaking meaningfully, with great sincerity, he shows a gift for political discourse. TOMMY We ran a positive campaign. We campaigned on the issues. The issue is leadership. Leadership for the future. Ask not what you can do for your country. The people have spoken. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. If you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen. Live Free or Die. And in conclusion...read my lips! (APPLAUSE and CHEERS) 44 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY 44 Tommy looking out the window at the city below. 45 EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - AERIAL VIEW - DAY - (STOCK) 45 The approach to National Airport gives a good view of Washington and its landmarks. TOMMY The promised land. 46 EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY - DAY 46 The plane touches down. 47 INT. NATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY 47 Through the airport move our Floridians. They look like they're going to opening day at the track. VOICE (O.S.) Congressman Johnson! Congressman Johnson! Tommy looks. It's REINHHARDT, a young straight-arrow bearing two huge document briefcases, which he puts down to shake hands. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 33. 47 CONTINUED: 47 REINHARDT Arthur Reinhardt. You remember me -- I Fed-Exed that material to you in Key West? TOMMY Reinhardt, my man! Of course! You look just like I pictured you. Nice wing tips. REINHARDT Thank you. Congressman, I hope you don't think I'm out of line for meeting you here -- I thought you might want some help with logistics, settling in at your hotel -- (indicating the briefcases) Since you didn't make it to the Harvard seminar, I put together a set of their papers for you. TOMMY I like your initiative, Reinhardt, but to tell you the truth, I've never been much of a student. Maybe you can brief my staff sometime. Reinhardt looks Tommy's cronies over. Not your classic Hill types. TOMMY But thank you, I will take you up on those logistics. Hey! Entourage! What hotel we at? They look at one another, puzzled. TOMMY Reinhardt, it appears that the staff has neglected to nail down some details. REINHARDT Oh, Jesus, the IMF's in town. Where are we going to find a room? TOMMY Four rooms. 48 OMITTED 48 THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 34. 49 INT. AIRPORT BAR - DAY 49 The entourage is enjoying a round of libations. Reinhardt runs up. REINHARDT I got lucky at the Madison. Thank god there's been a coup in Uruguay. Their delegation just checked out. TOMMY You're a wizard, Reinhardt. I knew you could handle it. 50 EXT. AIRPORT TAXI RANK - DAY 50 Tommy's entourage and their luggage are being packed into a cab. Tommy turns to Reinhardt. TOMMY So when does the House open for business? Reinhardt hasn't heard it put quite that way before. Reinhardt gets his courage up. REINHARDT Say, Congressman, you got my resume, didn't you? TOMMY (hasn't a clue) I'm sure I did. REINHARDT There's something I wanted to ask you. I know it's a big step, but -- I'd like you to consider me to be your AA. TOMMY That's quite an offer, Reinhardt, very decent of you, but I'm just a social drinker. REINHARDT No. AA. Your Administrative Assistant. I worked for Congressman Johnson. I'd like to work for you, Congressman Johnson. TOMMY Really. Tommy looks at his own troops, then back to Reinhardt. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 35. 50 CONTINUED: 50 TOMMY You mean like an affirmative action thing? Tommy opens the cab door. TOMMY Tell you what -- I'll think about it, okay? Tommy gets in and closes the door. TOMMY (through the open window) Thanks for getting us settled, really appreciate it. (to driver) Madison Hotel. 51 OMITTED 51 52 EXT. MEMORIAL BRIDGE - MAGIC HOUR 52 The bridge over the Potomac has a classic view of the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument. Their taxi drives by. 53 OMITTED 53 & & 54 54 55 EXT. CANNON BUILDING - DAY 55 Morning. Tommy and cronies get out of a cab and bound up the grand flight of stairs. In b.g., the Capitol dome. 56 INT. CANNON GROUND FLOOR CORRIDOR/ELEVATOR - DAY 56 They walk the superb ground floor corridor of Cannon, salivating. Marble columns... chandeliers... grand offices. Real class. AT AN ELEVATOR with a sign above it -- MEMBERS ONLY -- they stop. Tommy presses the button. The door opens. The seated ATTENDANT gets a load of this group. Especially Loretta. ATTENDANT Sorry, folks, this elevator's for Members only. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 36. 56 CONTINUED: 56 TOMMY That's okay, they're with me. Sixth floor please. Cannon 609. I'm going to my office. ATTENDANT I said Members only. TOMMY I am a Member. Now take us to six before I haul your ass in front of the committee on disrespectful behavior. ATTENDANT Elevator don't go to six. You have to get off at five and walk. 57 INT. CANNON STAIRWELL - DAY 57 Looking puzzled, they make their way up a drab stairwell. 58 INT. CANNON TOP FLOOR - DAY 58 Not classy. On one side of the hallway, the windows give out on a brutally ugly courtyard. On the other side of the hall are cages: windowless storage bins behind metal fences crammed with junk -- and an occasional xerox machine, Mr. Coffee, and pitiful staffer at a tiny desk. Tommy opens the door to 609. 59 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 59 Tommy's office is a small, dark garret, with dirty car- peting, bare shelves, and a pile of bulging canvas U.S. Mail bags. TOMMY Wait here. He heads further into the office. 60 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 60 Equally unattractive. Perched on the desk: Reinhardt. TOMMY You again! REINHARDT Good morning, congressman. TOMMY What is this shithole? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 37. 60 CONTINUED: 60 REINHARDT Excuse me? TOMMY (gesturing, peeved) This. REINHARDT (casual) Oh -- you missed the freshman lottery for offices. They assign them by draw. You didn't show for the draw, so you got the worst office in Congress. TOMMY I missed what lottery? REINHARDT It was all in the briefing books I mailed you. TOMMY What else did I miss, Reinhardt? REINHARDT Are you hiring me, congressman? Tommy gives Reinhardt a good once-over, seeing him anew. TOMMY You're shaking me down, aren't you? Tommy laughs, then clasps Reinhardt's shoulders. TOMMY This is fantastic, Reinhardt. I haven't been here five minutes, and you're shaking me down. God, I'm gonna love this town. You're hired, man. Just tell me what to do next. I don't want to miss out on any of the good shit. REINHARDT The dinner for new Members is tonight, at Union Station. Do you have black tie? BEGIN elegant, spirited classical MUSIC. 61 INT. UNION STATION - MAIN HALL - NIGHT 61 With its hundred-foot barrel-vaulted ceiling and grand windows, the magnificent Beaux-Arts station has been beautifully restored. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 38. 61 CONTINUED: 61 A big crowd slowly makes its way along a red carpet to the party. Tommy was born to wear a tux. In his lapel, a red-and- gold eagle pin. On his arm, Loretta, in a dramatic shoulderless and nearly backless gown, with three-quarter gloves. The other Women in sight are far more conserva- tively dressed. 62 INT. UNION STATION - ADIRONDACKS RESTAURANT - NIGHT 62 A STRING QUARTET provides the music. Tommy and Loretta linger uncertainly near the entrance. Then: TOMMY Let's meet some natives. Tommy leads her over to two Men, 30s, excellent haircuts. Both wear pins. He extends a hand. TOMMY Tommy Johnson, how'd you do, nice party, heck of a railroad station, isn't it? RAFE Rafe Simon, freshman from Tulsa. And this is Bo Chandler -- BO -- from Lufkin, Texas. You must be the one who didn't come to Harvard. TOMMY No, I couldn't, it was my Princeton reunion.... RAFE Jeff Johnson? You're Jeff Johnson? The guy from Florida? TOMMY That's right. RAFE (to Bo) The rest of us are out there on the campaign trail, raising money, kissing ass, making speeches, dragging our butts from place to place -- and he slides in on pure name recognition! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 39. 62 CONTINUED: 62 He puts his face close to Tommy. RAFE Let me tell you something, Jeff. A tense beat. Then Rafe breaks into a smile. RAFE Fuckin' brilliant. Bo winks at Tommy. Tommy Thank you. Thank you both very much. (to Loretta) Isn't that nice, now, don't you think? (to Rafe and Bo) This is Miss Loretta, boys. She extends a regal hand to each, Liza Doolittle at the ball. LORETTA How do yo do. How do you do. TOMMY And it's Tommy. My friends call me Tommy. "Jeff" is my... professional name. So what line of work were you boys in before you got elected? You lawyers or something? RAFE Oh, no, I did morning weather and traffic for KTOK in Tulsa. BO You don't remember me? I was a tight end for the Oilers -- my knee gimped out. The origins of the gentlemen's political success is not lost on Tommy. BO Hey, stop by my reception after the swearing in tomorrow, okay? RAFE Yeah, but don't you go to his reception before you go to my reception. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 40. 62 CONTINUED: (2) 62 TOMMY Fine, but I'm gonna be real offended if either of you miss my reception. They leave. TOMMY I think we have to have a reception. AT THE BUFFET, as Tommy and Loretta help themselves generously to oysters and champagne, they overhear TWO MEMBERS passing by. FIRST MEMBER So then I ran an ad calling him a draft dodger, but then he ran an ad calling me a plagiarist. SECOND MEMBER What did you do? FIRST MEMBER Oh, leaked a rumor that his father- in-law was a Nazi. I went up ten points in a weekend. TOMMY (to Loretta) We're in the majors, doll. 62A THE BALCONY is full of people working one another. As 62A Tommy and Loretta pass some large stone statues, a man extends his hand -- liquor lobbyist KEN KORNGOLD. KORNGOLD Congressman? I'd like to introduce myself. Ken Korngold. National Distilled Spirits Association. TOMMY Tommy Johnson. Distilled Spirits, is that right? KORNGOLD It's super that you won, congressman. Any way we can help, please don't hesitate. TOMMY Pleasure's all mine, Ken, hope you can make it to my reception. Do you happen to have a card? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 41. 62A CONTINUED: 62A KORNGOLD (giving him one) I sure do. 63 INT. UNION STATION - MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT 63 Tommy is along a wall where other guests are similarly occupied. TOMMY You now what I love about this place? The way everyone calls you a Member. Every time I hear that, it makes me think of Mr. Happy here. The Member next to him bursts out laughing. TOMMY Don't you be peeing on my shoe. They go to the sinks. The Member introduces himself. IOWA Mike Strangland. Iowa -- first CD. TOMMY You got a CD? Shit, I missed that, too. IOWA First Congressional district. TOMMY Ohhh. Tommy Johnson. Florida. So Iowa -- how'd you get to Washington? You do the crop report on tv? IOWA has a big open face and a flat Midwestern voice. IOWA No -- I owe it all to the Vietnamese. TOMMY War hero? IOWA P.O.W. When I got back to Cedar Rapids, I spent so many years telling the Rotary Club what was wrong in Washington, they finally told me to put up or shut up -- so I put up. And here I am. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 42. 63 CONTINUED: 63 TOMMY Wait a minute. What's wrong in Washington? IOWA C'mon -- there's acid rain killing fish, and no one's stopping it... there's topsoil washing away, and no erosion program... there's chemicals in our livestock -- God, I sound like a Boy Scout. TOMMY That's alright, Iowa -- this place could use a few geeks like you. 64 INT. UNION STATION - ADIRONDACKS - TOMMY'S DINNER 64 TABLE - NIGHT Tommy shakes hands around the table, taking business cards as he goes. FIRST LOBBYIST Pete Slocum. Asbestos Information Institute. SECOND LOBBYIST Mike Gustofson. Freedom to Advertise Coalition. THIRD LOBBYIST Paul Zeckhauser. American Tobacco Council. TOMMY Hey... thank you... nice to see you... hope you can make it to my reception. Have y'all met Miss Loretta? TOMMY'S TABLEMATE is lawyer-lobbyist TOMMY O'CONNOR, 40s. As Waiters serve lobster bisque, he hands TJ a business card. O'CONNOR Tommy O'Connor. Soon as I saw how you got elected, I knew you were a real comer. Hell, I bet old Olaf Andersen voted for you. TOMMY Who's Olaf Andersen? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 43. 64 CONTINUED: 64 O'Connor points. ON THE DAIS, Andersen is engrossed with Dodge. O'CONNOR (O.S.) I won't tell him you asked. Chairman of Gulf Coast Power. Constituent of yours, client of mine. BACK TO SCENE O'CONNOR Pays the rent, know what I mean? Say, could I host a little welcome- to-Washington thing for you down at my law firm? Meet some of my clients, five hundred a head -- you could pick up twenty, twenty-five grand to get you started. TOMMY (cautious) And how much of that do you get? O'CONNOR (amused) Oh, it doesn't come off the top. Down the road, I'll bill 'em each five hundred an hour whenever I take you to lunch. TOMMY Tommy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. 65 INT. UNION STATION - ADIRONDACKS - NIGHT - ON DODGE 65 making a speech from the dais. DODGE Tonight we unite the two great pillars of our system -- political and financial. To the forty-four newly-elected Members of Congress, I say, Look around you tonight. Look around, and be thankful for the generosity. Tommy inspects the sea of barracudas. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 44. 65 CONTINUED: 65 DODGE The people you see not only provided tonight's hospitality. They are the people you serve. That's our system of checks and balances at its best. Their support helped get you elected... your work will help them... and their support will help you in your next campaign, which I remind you is already less than two years away. 66 INT./EXT. ADIRONDACKS - LARGE DOORS - NIGHT 66 In b.g., the Capitol dome. As Tommy and Loretta leave, they pass Dick Dodge, who is saying goodnight to guests. He stops them. DODGE You know, Mr. Johnson, it's customary for new Members to pay a courtesy call on the old fogies in the leadership. Especially from their HOME STATE. TOMMY Well, I would have, but I just got to town. It's an honor to meet you, sir. A real privilege. This is Miss Loretta. LORETTA Public liaison. She pronounces the word so carefully, it sounds lewd. DODGE How do you do? (to Tommy) You could make up for it by having a nightcap with me. (to Loretta) May I have my car take you home? 67 EXT. CAPITOL HILL - NIGHT 67 Tommy and Dodge walk up steps toward the Capitol. 68 INT. HALLWAY - CAPITOL - NIGHT 68 A darkened hallway. A hand-lettered sign by a door reads COMMITTEE ON POWER AND INDUSTRY. THE CHAIRMAN. MR. DODGE. Tommy and Dodge approach. As Dodge unlocks the door: (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 45. 68 CONTINUED: 68 TOMMY Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, but this ain't no homo shit we up to, is it? DODGE No. No, it's not. But -- (amused) Good thinking, Johnson. I'm impressed by your instincts. 69 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - CAPITOL - NIGHT 69 A single table lamp lights Dick Dodge's office, reflecting off the velvet drapes, sculpted ceiling, and crystal chandeliers. Tommy and Dodge are in leather armchairs, ties undone. On the table between them, a bottle of Jim Beam. Dodge casts a cool eye on Tommy. DODGE Tell me, Johnson. Why did you come to Washington? TOMMY Well... of course... it's a chance to do something for my country. I mean, there's the topsoil thing, and acid rain is killing the cattle -- DODGE Cut the bullshit, Johnson. I saw how you got elected. Flukes like you are either nutcases or troublemakers. I just want to know which one I have on my hands. Who sent you here? TOMMY No one sent me. DODGE You pulled off that upset on your own? TOMMY (acknowledging modestly) Kid's got his talents. DODGE I'm impressed, Johnson, I am. But why did you run for Congress? TOMMY No bullshit? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 46. 69 CONTINUED: 69 DODGE No bullshit. TOMMY Opportunity knocks. This town is the fuckin' Yukon. A stunned silence from Dodge -- then deep and generous laughter. DODGE What a refreshing answer. He laughs again, richly amused. Tommy joins in the laughter. 70 EXT. CANNON - DAY 70 Shining in the bright sun. 71 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY - ON TOMMY'S DESK 71 Hundreds of business cards. An expert riffle, a one- handed cut, and Tommy deals lightning fast, a perfect diamond formation with two cards in the middle. He turns them over one at a time. TOMMY Food... drinks. LORETTA (reads card) Ken Korngold, National Distilled Spirits Association. Bob Rafferty ...Wisconsin Cheese Board. (to Tommy) What do you want me to do? TOMMY You're on cheese. I'll handle booze. He reaches for the phone... 72 EXT. DISTILLER'S BUILDING - DAY 72 Pan from Capitol Hill to gleaming glass office building. TOMMY (V.O.) (taking the phone) Ken! Ken Korngold! Tommy Johnson here... Right -- last night. How's it going, big guy? KORNGOLD (V.O.) Congressman! THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 47. 73 INT. KORNGOLD'S OFFICE - DAY 73 Expensive furniture, rugs, and art. KORNGOLD How are you on this helluva fine day! I'm looking forward to your reception. INTERCUT TOMMY AND KORNGOLD TOMMY Actually, that's why I'm calling, Ken. You said if I needed some help -- KORNGOLD You name it, congressman. Issue papers, testimony, floor speeches -- TOMMY Tell you what I have in mind. I was just thinking, wouldn't it be a plus for old Ken Korngold if I was to -- how should I put this -- showcase some of his distillers' products at my reception? You know, like they put Reese's pieces in E.T.? It's called "product placement." People come in, they have a tremendous time, they see your products, they think well of you -- and they think well of me, too. It's good for both of us, Ken. What do you say? KORNGOLD Well, it's a new one on me, but hey, sure, I think we can help you out. Say, while I have you on the line, there was one thing... 74 INT. HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 74 The SPEAKER administers the oath of office to the assembled House. SPEAKER Do you solemnly swear that you will support and defend the Constitution of the United States... ON GRANDMA next to Tommy, eyes welling with pride. It's the one day a year that non-Members (meaning families) can be on the floor. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 48. 74 CONTINUED: 74 SPEAKER ... against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that you will bear true faith and allegiance to the same... 75 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY - VIDEO - WIDE SHOT OF HOUSE 75 The 435 Members (with family) taking the oath, watched on C-span by Loretta, Armando, Van Dyke, and Reinhardt. SPEAKER (V.O.) ... that you take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion... 76 INT. HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 76 ON IOWA taking the oath, his toddler in his arms. PAN along faces of other Members... to Tommy. SPEAKER (V.O.) ... and that you will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which you are about to enter. So help you God? TOMMY (AND MEMBERS) I do. SPEAKER (V.O.) Congratulations. You are now Members of Congress. Sustained APPLAUSE. Tommy kisses Grandma. INTERCUT Tommy's cronies APPLAUDING. ON THE FLOOR Tommy dries Grandma's tears with a finger. GRANDMA It's just that -- I'm so happy you straightened out. Tommy smiles ambiguously. As APPLAUSE continues, his eyes roam the room and make contact with Dick Dodge, standing at one of the leadership tables. Tommy winks conspiratorially at him. There's such diabolical glee in it, it even takes Dodge aback. 77 INT. CANNON TOP FLOOR - DAY 77 A beautiful black woman, 20s, walks briskly down the busy Cannon corridors. CELIA. There's intelligence in her eyes, and fire. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 49. 77 CONTINUED: 77 She makes her way down the corridor, exchanging AD LIB greetings, glancing in at the sedate receptions, and drawing closer to the source of the REGGAE (O.S.) -- Tommy's office. She looks in. 78 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 78 It's packed, mainly with men. Everyone has drinks and talks noisily. It looks like a fraternity smoker for lobbyists. MUSIC comes from a boom box. The bar -- a tablecloth over some desks -- is lavishly stocked. So are the bookcases, which now look like liquor store shelves. ANGLE ON LORETTA, in a cocktail dress and a HELLO MY NAME IS MISS LORETTA badge, staffing a little table, handing Celia a name-tag. INSERT Celia's hands print CELIA KIRBY. PRO BONO. BACK TO SCENE - ON Tommy and Reinhardt talking with a LOBBYIST. FOURTH LOBBYIST It's an informal breakfast. You give us your views, we give you bacon and eggs, plus a couple of thousand dollar honorarium. (winking) For your favorite charity. Tommy looks at Reinhardt, who explains. REINHARDT The Tommy Johnson Foundation. TOMMY (savoring the word) Honorarium. I like that. Loretta appears with a platter of food. LORETTA Herring, gentlemen? FOURTH LOBBYIST Uh, no thanks. LORETTA Really? We've got it in cream sauce and in wine sauce. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 49A. 78 CONTINUED: 78 REINHARDT I think I'll pass. Tommy steers her aside and takes a roll of soggy, toothpick-impaled herring. TOMMY What is this? Where's the cheese? LORETTA The cheese guy didn't return my call. So I called the guy at the American Smoked Fish Institute. She points at the food table. There's nothing but a few boxes of crackers and two huge mounds of herring -- one white, one pink. The centerpiece is a large smoked fish, eyes staring accusingly. TOMMY Oh, that's just wonderful. Sixty heavy hitters drop in, and I'm feeding 'em cat food. He breaks off, as Celia comes into view in the doorway behind. Tommy picks her up on his radar. TOMMY We'll talk about this later. We follow Tommy through the crowd until he reaches Celia. TOMMY Hi there. Glad you could make it. So you're... Celia Kirby. That's an extremely beautiful name. For an extremely beautiful woman. CELIA Wow! That's smooth. After ten straight hours on my feet making small talk and breathing cheap cigar smoke, that's exactly the kind of line I'm ready to fall for. TOMMY Whoa, slow down. CELIA Sure, sure, forget it. Can you just tell me, which one's Congressman Johnson? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 49B. 78 CONTINUED: (2) 78 TOMMY What if I said... me? CELIA Oh. I see. So tell me, Congressman, just how deep is the shit I'm standing in? Tommy has to laugh. TOMMY Don't worry about it. Why don't we just start over again? CELIA Celia Kirby. I'm the legislative director of Pro Bono. TOMMY Ah. Pro Bon. That's an extremely beautiful name. For an extremely beautiful organization. Um... what is it? CELIA (amused) We're a public interest research and advocacy group. I'd like to brief you on our priorities this session. Can I call your AA to get on your schedule? TOMMY Why don't you brief me over dinner tonight? CELIA I want an appointment, Congressman, not a date. TOMMY Yeah, sure, we'll type it up on the schedule, it'll be an appointment, except with wine and flowers on the table. CELIA No thanks. I really should be going. TOMMY Won't you at least stay for a drink and some herring? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 49C. 78 CONTINUED: (3) 78 CELIA I'm afraid I'm busy. TOMMY Well then, can I tempt you with a smelt? CELIA No thanks. (extending her hand) Nice to meet you. I'll be in touch with your office. I especially look forward to hearing your view on extending the sexual harassment law to include congressmen. TOMMY I love the way you say that. She slips out through the sea of revelers. 79 EXT. CAPITOL - DAY 79 A fine Washington morning. 80 OMITTED 80 81 EXT. CAPITOL STEPS - DAY 81 Rep. ELIJAH MARSHALL, 50s, black, and a pain in Dodge's ass, is shaking hands and saying goodbye to some Constituents. Dodge approaches. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 3/25/92 50. 81 CONTINUED: 81 DODGE I heard in the steam room you're going to try to screw up my ethics bill. MARSHALL Not screw up. Amend. DODGE Come on, Eli, your amendments don't have a chance in hell to pass. My bill isn't perfect, I know, but it'll pass. And the President'll sign it. MARSHALL "Isn't perfect"? Dick, your bill's the Incumbents Protection Act! How can you even call it an ethics bill? DODGE Because the public wants an ethics bill! So that's what we call it. MARSHALL But it's got no teeth! It won't change a thing, and you know it. DODGE Come on, Eli, you're a politician, too. The less you're going to do about something, the more you have to talk about it. You know that. They start walking. MARSHALL I see. We close the bank, we stop the rubber checks, we raise the prices in the barber shop, we stop fixing parking tickets, and abracadabra! We say we've cleaned up Congress. Well, I don't think the American people want what this place has become. DODGE That's the beauty of it! They must, Eli -- they keep re-electing us. MARSHALL Not anymore! This new Congress is full of new faces. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 51. 81 CONTINUED: (2) 81 DODGE Oh, I wouldn't read too much into that. A few extra retirements, some redistricting -- nothing more than that. It's still business as usual up here. Dodge takes his glasses from his pocket and wipes them. DODGE I live in the real world, Eli. Do you? What's unemployment up to in your district? Eight percent? Eight-five? MARSHALL Eight point six. DODGE Power and Enterprise is about to fund a solar demonstration plant, Eli. It could mean a whole lot to a district -- new jobs, new construction -- that interest you? MARSHALL You can't bribe me, Dick. 82 INT. DODGE'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 82 Dodge and Marshall enter. DODGE Eli, the people who elected you. They sent you here to help them. Don't you want to? MARSHALL Not if it means supporting your bill. All you want is the perfect platform to campaign for Speaker. Dick Dodge. Mr. Clean. What a joke! DODGE (undeterred) Come on board, Eli. (leaning in) You know -- you can't save the world if you can't save your seat. Tommy enters. Marshall gives him a once-over and extends a hand. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 52. 82 CONTINUED: 82 MARSHALL We haven't met. Eli Marshall. TOMMY Tommy Johnson. MARSHALL I know. The Florida upset. Well, now that you're here, what are you going to do with it? You gonna feather your own nest, or are you gonna make something of your office? TOMMY I plan to be as good a congressman as all the others. MARSHALL Exactly what does that mean? TOMMY Well, ever since I got back from Nam, I've wanted to do something about the rain forest -- MARSHALL No, do me a favor, don't tell me. I try not to get depressed until the second week of a new session. DODGE (ushering Tommy into his office) Eli, you'll excuse us -- we have a meeting. 83 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - DAY 83 DODGE Johnson, I'm the chairman of a committee up here called Power and Industry. We've got an open seat, and I was wondering if you'd consider filling it. TOMMY Is this good news? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 53. 83 CONTINUED: 83 DODGE (tongue in cheek) Well, it is a difficult assignment -- look at what we cover: energy, health, telecommunications, environment... the committee is constantly beset by a swarm of special interests. These are powerful people, they've got all the money in the world, and they're not shy about using it. TOMMY So... this is very good news. DODGE Most members would give their right nut for it. TOMMY So what do you want from me, Dick? DODGE Congressman... I just want you to smile for the cameras. 84 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 84 The committee members -- all white males, except Tommy -- mill around, awaiting the start of the hearings. As the TV cameras whir, Dodge shakes Tommy's hand warmly. Big smiles and an explosion of flashbulbs. Dodge breaks off and Tommy drifts over to Reinhardt. REINHARDT (indicating dais) So, Congressman, welcome to the honey pot. You should be one happy freshman. TOMMY Yeah? Well, I'm not. I'm suspicious. One thing I've learned is, when somebody gives you something for nothing, the nothing ain't nothing. It's something. What is it? Why me? Reinhardt puts his hand on Tommy's shoulders. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 54. 84 CONTINUED: 84 REINHARDT Congressman, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... you're black. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. TOMMY Keep talking. REINHARDT Dodge wants to run for Speaker. And he ain't gonna make it without votes from the black caucus. Suddenly, Dodge reappears. He throws his arm around Tommy's shoulders. DODGE Tommy, someone I want you to meet... Dodge steers TJ to a preppy-looking man at the witness table -- BARCLAY "SKEETER" WARBURTON. DODGE Skeeter, do you know Tommy Johnson? Meet the new member of the committee. Tommy, this is Barclay Warburton. TOMMY Pleased to meet you, Barclay. WARBURTON'S voice is aristocratic, a la George Plimpton. WARBURTON Skeeter. Please. Been called that since boarding school. TOMMY Skeeter. WARBURTON Damned fine to meet you. As Dodge and Tommy head for the dais, Tommy imitates Warburton's lockjaw. TOMMY "Tommy. Please. Been called that since reform school." Dodge chuckles, shakes his head in mock rebuke. Tommy takes his seat at the lower dais, smiles at the Members on his left and right. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 55. 84 CONTINUED: (2) 84 ON THE UPPER DAIS, Dodge gavels... DODGE This EPA oversight hearing of the Committee on Power and Industry will come to order. I'd like to welcome our first witness, the distinguished Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency... (Warburton nods) ... but before I do, I note that a new Member is joining us today, the distinguished gentleman from Florida. THE BIGGEST EXPLOSION OF FLASHES YET... and as the motor drives whir, Tommy flashes his biggest smile yet. 85 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 85 Tommy's office walls are now richly hung with plaques, awards, and framed photos. We see he has been named the PESTICIDE COALITION'S Man of the Month. The winner of the NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION'S Achievement Award. The MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA'S Outstanding Young Legislator. Etc. The liquor is gone. Loretta is at the receptionist's desk. A LOBBYIST enters. FIFTH LOBBYIST Morning. Ron Yaeger. Snack-PAC -- Snack Foods Political Action Committee. I have a ten o'clock. LORETTA Please have a seat. The congressman is running just a little bit late. He sits and opens his briefcase. Van Dyke approaches him with the dignity of a superb butler. VAN DYKE Would you care for some herring? 86 INT. CAPITOL FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 86 Tommy rises to speak at a breakfast meeting. The podium bears the seal of the American Poultry Association. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 56. 86 CONTINUED: 86 TOMMY Let me start with a confession. I don't know much about poultry. But I do know something about people. And let me tell you: I like you people. So when you have something to say about poultry, I listen. Thank you very much. He sits down to generous APPLAUSE. ON Armando, in attendance, CLAPPING, marveling at the response TJ gets. 87 INT. CATACOMBS - MOVING - DAY 87 Capitol Hill is actually two worlds: the aboveground buildings that visitors and television cameras see, and the catacombs, the busy tunnels and corridors connecting the congressional office buildings and the Capitol. They're surprisingly unglamorous -- exposed pipes, white- washed brick walls, dumpsters, pizza carry-outs -- and through them move the legislators and their staffs. And here is Tommy, whistling ZIPPEDY DOO DAH. He loves this place. Passing a snack bar, he greets the Cashier. TOMMY My man. He blows a kiss to a pretty Teller in the credit union. Passing the barber shop, he calls out to the Shoeshine Guy. He passes a black TELEPHONE MAN at an open panel of wires. TELEPHONE MAN Tommy! What's up, man? TOMMY (whispering) Sweet Sue. Third race at Santa Anita. 88 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 88 Several lobbyists are now awaiting Tommy balancing plates of herring on their knees. Some are enjoying it more than others. Tommy breezes in. TOMMY Hey, how you folks doin', good to see you, Van Dyke making you comfortable? Tommy hits a button on a tape deck, turning on some EASY LISTENING. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 57. 88 CONTINUED: 88 TOMMY Be with y'all shortly. BEHIND THE DIVIDER, outside Tommy's office door, Tommy has a word with Reinhardt. Tommy indicates his office. TOMMY She in there? Reinhardt nods. Tommy gives himself a couple of squirts of Binaca. TOMMY Stick around for this, Reinhardt. I've finally figured something out about the women in this town. 89 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 89 Tommy and Reinhardt meeting with Celia and an elfin guy in corduroy. CELIA Thank you for seeing us, congressman, we won't take up much of your time. This is Ira Schecter, our research director. TJ Hi, good to meet you, you folks know Reinhardt, don't you? Don't rush, Miss Kirby, we can take as long as we want. CELIA But you have people waiting, and -- TOMMY That's all right. They can wait. CELIA Well. She pulls documents from her briefcase and hands them to Tommy. CELIA These are issue papers. This session we're targeting auto insurance premiums, child safety, and food additives. As votes come up, we know you'll be hearing plenty from the other side. We'd just like a clean shot at making our case, too. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 58. 89 CONTINUED: 89 CELIA (CONT'D) (rising) So, we'll follow up with your staff in the next week or... TOMMY Wait a minute, you just got here. I clean my calendar, and you're out the door. Let's back up, give this stuff the attention it deserves. Car insurance... Ira, what do you pay? IRA Oh, I've got an '85 Plymouth, about six-fifty a year... TOMMY Six-fifty? Highway robbery! A chop shop wouldn't give you more than a hundred forty for a junker like that. (beat) Or so I've heard. (beat) But I'm flying blind here, I need depth. Could Miss Kirby put together a briefing? Maybe schedule a Saturday or two to really dig into the issues? IRA (surprised and pleased) Oh... we'd be delighted. We've got some figures that will amaze you. TOMMY I'm sure you do. CELIA (rising) Well, we won't take up any more... TOMMY Whoa, whoa, hold on, what about child safety? CELIA Well, we're sponsoring a bill imposing safety standards on imported toys... (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 59. 89 CONTINUED: (2) 89 TOMMY Great! About time! I hate imported toys. What about food additives? How about we block out a few evenings, you can take me through the details. IRA Celia, if that's what the Congressman wants... any problem? CELIA (to him) You want to do this in the evening? IRA I'm away for the next two weeks. She gives him a look. Ira turns to Tommy. IRA So, when can Celia start your briefings? TOMMY Saturday night? IRA Saturday night sounds fine. CELIA Fine. Wednesday morning. Nine- fifteen. 90 INT. CATACOMBS - NIGHT - CLOSE ANGLE - A SIGN 90 On a door in the House sub-basement: MEMBERS ONLY. 91 INT. HOUSE GYM - NIGHT 91 The regular evening pickup basketball game. Even among these ruthless players, Tommy's street moves are outstand- ingly down and dirty. His principal accomplice: Elijah Marshall. 92 INT. LOCKER ROOM - HOUSE GYM - NIGHT 92 A standing poker game among the towel- and robe-clad Members. It's Tommy's shuffle and deal. He is convincingly awkward. A BULLDOG of a man examines his hand, tosses two cards in. He assembles his new hand. Four fives and an ace. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 60. 92 CONTINUED: 92 ON Tommy's hand. A pair of threes. The betting starts, at a couple of chips, and comes round to Tommy. He pushes a stack of chips to the center. TOMMY Let's get serious, fellas. 93 INT. CATACOMBS (OR CORRIDOR) - NIGHT 93 Tommy, Marshall, and the Bulldog, back in suits, exit the MEMBERS ONLY door and move through the catacombs. MARSHALL I need your help on the ethics bill, Leon. I want you to co- sponsor my amendments. BULLDOG You make a persuasive case, Eli. MARSHALL That wasn't a yes. BULLDOG (courteously ambiguous) I promise to give it the attention it deserves. The Bulldog gives Tommy a friendly squeeze -- BULLDOG Better luck next time, son. -- and leaves them. Tommy and Marshall continue on. MARSHALL He took six hundred dollars off you that last hand, didn't he? TOMMY Yeah, he's taking a real shine to me. MARSHALL If I didn't know better, I'd say you lost to him on purpose. TOMMY Nothing wrong with letting the chairman of the ethics committee roll you once in a while. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 60A. 93 CONTINUED: 93 MARSHALL (shaking his head) You fit in real well up here. Too well. TOMMY So Eli, how come you haven't asked for my help with your amendments? MARSHALL Give it a rest, Tommy. You've got a great jump shot. But everyone knows you're Dick Dodge's boy. TOMMY (bristling) I'm nobody's boy, mister. MARSHALL (weary) Don't waste your outrage on me. I know what you are. TOMMY I'm no different from anyone else. MARSHALL That's not true. Some people here actually try to do something besides save their own ass. TOMMY You know, Eli, I like you, I really do. You remind me of my father. MARSHALL Oh, really? How so? TOMMY He thought I was scum, too. BELLS begin RINGING and LIGHTS FLASHING on all the clocks and sconces down the corridor. Three RINGS, pause, three RINGS, pause... Marshall does a U-turn. Tommy doesn't follow suit. MARSHALL Aren't you going to vote? TOMMY (indicating clocks) Vote? Is that what that is? We got a pool going in the office on when it'll go off next. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 60B. 93A INT. LOBBY OUTSIDE HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 93A It's called "Gucci Gulch." The lobby just outside the doors to the House chamber is pandemonium -- a sea of lobbyists, lawyers, PACmen, Members, and staffers urgently trying to find their masters and signal them thumbs-up or-down. Tommy enters, sweeps the room with his eyes, looking for Reinhardt, shrugs, then goes through the doors onto the floor. 93B INT. HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 93B Tommy goes to a console on the rear of a seat. A blue light says OPEN. Tommy inserts a card (it looks like an electronic hotel key). Red, green, and amber lights at buttons labeled NAY, YEA, and PRES. Tommy shrugs, pushes NAY. 93C INT. LOBBY OUTSIDE HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 93C As Tommy heads away, he passes a class trip -- a dozen fifth-graders and their TEACHER, who hails him. TEACHER Excuse me -- Congressman? Do you have a moment? We're from the Hawthorne Avenue School, in Union, New Jersey? I'm Mrs. Kozlowski. Social Studies. We were just learning how a bill becomes a law. (indicating the BELLS) Was that a vote? TOMMY Yes, it was. TEACHER And what did you vote? TOMMY I voted "Nay." It's a terrible bill. It'd destroy the fabric of American life. TEACHER And what was the vote on? Tommy hasn't a clue. He calls out to Rafe, who is among those leaving the chamber. TOMMY Hey, Rafe! Tell these kids what that vote was about. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 61. 93C CONTINUED: 93C TOMMY (CONT'D) (to kids) Guy's got a real knack for explaining things. RAFE Well, it was a motion to reconsider the motion to reconsider. Bo, passing by, intervenes. BO No, it was the rule on amending the reauthorization. TOMMY Which means? BO Clean Air. RAFE (overlapping) School lunches. TOMMY You're in excellent hands, kids. 94 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY 94 A NOISY restaurant popular with lobbyists. Power photos on the wall. Table hopping. People SHOUTING greetings across the room. Waiters in long aprons. Tommy is having lunch with Tommy O'Connor. O'CONNOR You're a gentleman, Tommy. We can always do bid'ness -- I like that in a Member. TOMMY Thank you, Tommy. I love you too. O'CONNOR Listen, I'd like to do more money for you -- I just need to know your positions on a few issues. O'Connor takes out a pen and leather notecard case. O'CONNOR For instance, where are you on sugar price supports? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 62. 94 CONTINUED: 94 Tommy has no idea, but he's certainly open to suggestions. TOMMY Sugar price supports. Where do you think I should be, Tommy? O'CONNOR Shit -- makes no difference to me. If you're for 'em, I got money for you from my sugar producers in Louisiana and Hawaii. If you're against 'em, I got money for you from the candy manufacturers. TOMMY You pick. O'CONNOR (writing) Let's put you down as for. Now what about putting limits on malpractice awards? TOMMY You tell me. O'CONNOR Well, if you're for 'em, I got money from the doctors and insurance companies. If you're against 'em, I got money from the trial lawyers. Tell you what, let's say against. Now how about pizza? TOMMY (indicating his plate) I'll stick with the salad. O'CONNOR Not for lunch, shmuck, for PAC money. A lot of the frozen pizzas use phony cheese. There's a law pending requiring them to disclose it on their labels. Where do you stand? Tommy thinks it through. TOMMY If I vote for the labels...then I get money from the dairy industry... (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 63. 94 CONTINUED: (2) 94 O'CONNOR Good... TOMMY And if I vote against the labels, I get money from the frozen food guys. O'CONNOR Excellent! And don't forget the ranchers, because they get hurt if pepperoni sales go down! TOMMY (laughing in admiration) A pepperoni lobby. I love this town. O'CONNOR So which is it? TOMMY Fuck the cheese people. Thanks to them my office smelled like smelt for a week. O'CONNOR All right. For. TOMMY So Tommy, tell me -- with all this money on every side, how does anything get done? O'CONNOR It doesn't! That's the genius of the system! 95 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 95 A briefing in progress. Flip charts, ring binders, Celia, Ira, a couple of other Pro Bono types. Tommy is riveted by Celia. CELIA It comes down to a question of what is acceptable risk. Are we willing to feed our kids a substance that causes cancer in lab rats? More important, who gets to make the decision? Bureaucrats and big corporations, or the people whose lives depend on it? THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 64. 96 INT. TOMMY'S BOILER ROOM - DAY 96 Tommy's staff shares one small office. Everyone's on the phone. VAN DYKE Mr. Willie? Congressman Johnson is calling. Can you take his call? Thank you. Please hold. Van Dyke puts him on hold, counts to three, gets back on the line. VAN DYKE I'm sorry, Mr. Willie, he just picked up another call. Listen, I know why he was calling -- he hasn't heard from you about his fundraiser... PAN TO Armando. ARMANDO ... That's right, Mr. Brown, on the thirtieth... A thousand a couple...A whole table? He'll be so happy to hear it. Thank you so much. (calling) Loretta! Put down nuclear power for ten g's. PAN TO Loretta, who chalks the figure onto a toteboard. LORETTA Cool. (into phone) Mr. Newburg? It's Miss Loretta, from Congressman Johnson's office, how you doin'? On Loretta's bulletin board is a map of the United States, with flags, pushpins, and air travel routes. LORETTA Say, the congressman's going to be out your way next week... Palm Springs, the Bob Hope Classic -- yes, a celebrity player. As long as he's on the coast, we were wondering whether you aerospace people might want to lay on a lunch so you can hear his views... Uh-huh ... Uh-huh... Lovely. Now what kind of contribution to his foundation you folks thinking about? THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 65. 97 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 97 Celia continues her briefing. CELIA ...And in the 1988 study, it was up to eight per hundred-thousand. Um...am I losing you on these mortality rates? TOMMY No, I was just wondering how much of this is a statutory problem, and how much is a regulatory one? I mean, didn't the Merton Act cover most of this? CELIA (surprised) Hmmm, that's an excellent point. Let me see something... As she starts rummaging in her briefcase, we TRACK AROUND to a COMPUTER SCREEN on Tommy's desk -- it displays THE EXACT WORDS HE'S JUST SPOKEN. CELIA Wow...you're right. Maybe we can get them to amend Merton-Simmons. RACK FOCUS...reveals REINHARDT in b.g., sitting at another computer terminal. He is typing in Tommy's responses, which appear on Tommy's screen. TOMMY Well, for Merton to apply you have to show high contagion...sounds to me like your contagion rates are no higher than the common clod. In b.g., Reinhardt DIVES FORWARD to his keyboard and begins correcting his typo. Celia looks puzzled. TOMMY Common cold. (beat) Must have picked up a little dyslexia over the weekend. CELIA I see. Well, I must say I'm pretty impressed. TOMMY You're also impressively pretty. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 66. 97 CONTINUED: 97 Celia is startled. Tommy is embarrassed...the dumb compliment he's just spoken was one Reinhardt typed on the computer screen. CELIA Oh come on... TOMMY You're right. Sorry. Excuse me a second. (calls out) Arthur? Without explanation, he THROWS HIS PENCIL hard out of frame. REINHARDT (O.S.) Ow! 98 EXT. GULF STREAM JET - AIRBORNE - DAY 98 A jet flies through the sky. 99 INT. GULF STREAM JET - DAY 99 Tommy and handful of other Members listen to their GUN LOBBYIST host. GUN LOBBYIST Frankly, we think the semi-automatic has gotten a bad rap. That's why the American Sporting Gun Users PAC put together this trip. ON TOMMY AND DODGE enjoying champagne and hors d'oeuvres. 100 EXT. DUCK BLIND - DAY 100 Tommy, wearing full L.L. Bean drag, wading with the other Members. Someone blows a shrieking DUCK CALL. A flock takes flight. Everyone in the group raises their weapons: AK-47s. A burst of GUNFIRE. Rambo time. We SEE the flock still flying. One duck drops at the feet of the hunters. TOMMY Must have had a heart attack. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 67. 101A EXT. GOLF COURSE - FIRST TEE - DAY 101A A LARGE SIGN READS: SCRAP IRON INSTITUTE CELEBRITY PRO-AM. Tommy tees off. He is wearing a veritable pro shop of custom golf gear, all emblazoned with logos of corporate sponsors and lobbies. He hits the ball about 200 yards...but more or less perpendicular to the hole. REVEAL BOB HOPE standing nearby, watching. BOB HOPE I knew all these congressmen get a slice, but I didn't know it was that big. 101 INT. JET - DAY 101 Tommy on the phone. TOMMY Did you miss me? 102 INT. PRO BONO OFFICES - DAY 102 Celia at her desk in the somewhat ratty Pro Bono offices. CELIA Where did you go? INTERCUT CELIA AND TOMMY TOMMY Oh, a fact-finding mission, some issue conferences, a few speaking engagements, a charity event... the usual. CELIA More like the Petroleum Institute Ski Cup, the NRA Open, the -- TOMMY Hey. Have lunch with me tomorrow. CELIA I can't -- we're having a press conference. TOMMY What is it -- the ozone layer? No fault? Killer apples? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 68. 102 CONTINUED: 102 CELIA (laughing) Toy safety. Wait a minute. Tomorrow's Friday. Aren't you back early? TOMMY (beaming) You remembered! That means you missed me. 103 EXT. JEFFERSON MEMORIAL - NIGHT 103 Tommy and Celia walk over the bridge to the cherry trees by the Tidal Basin. TOMMY So, how'd you end up hustling for Pro Bono instead of pesticides? I mean, you could have been a big- time lawyer, right? CELIA Oh, I was for a while. It... depressed me. TOMMY At a hundred grand a year, how depressed can you get? Doesn't it depress you to lose all the time? CELIA Sometimes. Mostly it gets me angry. And the anger keeps me going. Sure, I wouldn't mind winning a few. And it's not like I'm allergic to money... TOMMY So why do you do it? She skips a stone on the water. CELIA God, it's so embarrassing to come out and say it. TOMMY Say it. CELIA Meaning. I need my life to mean something. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 69. 103 CONTINUED: 103 This actually hits Tommy. Celia, embarrassed, changes the subject. CELIA My question is, how'd you get named after a Memorial? TOMMY Grandma like Jefferson. Y'know, "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." It's a lot to live up to, so I specialized in the last part. CELIA And how's the pursuit going? TOMMY Fine...'til I met you. Now...the better I do, the worse I feel. They have stopped walking. They are standing close together. They kiss. TOMMY So...when can I see you again? How about dinner Saturday night? She shakes her head. CELIA How about Sunday morning? TOMMY Brunch? 104 INT. OLD CHURCH - BALTIMORE - DAY 104 In the pulpit, Rev. Elijah Marshall thunders: MARSHALL The wages of sin is death! And to the man who values Gold over Goodness...the Lord allows no exemptions! REVEAL TOMMY and Celia in the front pew. Marshall appears to be preaching directly to Tommy, who wears a slightly sick smile. MARSHALL To the man who shows no respect for the privilege of walking this Earth, God allows no deductions! (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 70. 104 CONTINUED: 104 MARSHALL (CONT'D) (AMEN) And to the man whose pockets are bulging and whose soul is empty... the Lord grants no 90-day extension! (AMEN) And when the last trump sounds, believe me, you will be audited! TOMMY (aside to Celia) This is one hell of a date. 105 EXT. CHURCH - DAY 105 On the steps, Marshall shakes hands with his Congregants. Tommy and Celia exit the church. Marshall takes Celia by the hands and kisses her familiarly. Tommy is taken aback. MARSHALL Hello, darling. Glad you could make it. CELIA I liked the sermon, Uncle Eli. TOMMY Uncle Eli? MARSHALL My niece says you're not half as slimy as I thought. TOMMY Your niece? MARSHALL That would put you somewhere between a lizard and a toad. Quite a step up. Tommy looks from Marshall to Celia and back again. TOMMY How could I have missed the family resemblance? 106 EXT. CANNON BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING 106 107 INT. CANNON TOP FLOOR - DAY 107 WHISTLING happily, Tommy rounds the corner and heads to his office. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 71. 107 CONTINUED: 107 Ahead of him, encamped in the hallway, he sees a phalanx of SENIOR CITIZENS, many carrying placards, and some camera crews. Tommy adjusts his tie, turns on the charm, and approaches. TOMMY Ladies! Looking good! How can I help you folks today! But Hattie Rifkin and her troops will have none of it. HATTIE Don't "Ladies!" me, you dick! The camera lights go on. 108 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - DAY 108 DODGE Now let me get this straight. You voted to make people on Medicare pay more money to their doctors? TOMMY The Medical Association made a persuasive case. Ten grand from their PAC, plus Christmas in Aspen. DODGE (shaking his head) Tommy -- if I'm not mistaken, you wouldn't be here without the good senior citizens of your district. You got to dance with the girl that brung you, son. If you have a bit of business to do, do it quietly... in the corridors... in the subcommittees... with little amendments. You mess around on the big ones like Medicare, you'll be dead meat on election day. TOMMY Yeah, well, then it's thanks for the memories, and on to the next gig. DODGE Do you know what your problem is, son? You don't think big enough. You have a real knack for this town, but you have the soul of a two-bit hustler. Listen to me, Tommy. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 72. 108 CONTINUED: 108 DODGE (CONT'D) Five hundred thirty-five Members of Congress. Some are smart, and some stupid. Some good, some not. But all of them, son, all of them consumed by the single overriding imperative that defines the very Washington way of life. TOMMY Which is? DODGE Getting re-elected. TOMMY Wait a minute. You're talkin' 'bout my re-election? DODGE You don't know what percent of the incumbents who ran last time got re-elected, do you? TOMMY Fifty? Sixty? DODGE Ninety-six. And ninety-eight before that. It's like that election after election. If you don't fuck up, you can be here, raking it in, for life. Life, Johnson. Tommy considers this. Then a big smile. TOMMY I can think of worse places to get life. DODGE (smiles) I knew you had it in you. TOMMY So how do I get the Silver Foxes off my ass? DODGE Oh, throw them a bone... why don't you co-sponsor a bill for mandatory universal health insurance? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 73. 108 CONTINUED: (2) 108 TOMMY What's that mean? DODGE Nothing. It'll never pass. 109 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 109 A couple of Lobbyists await Tommy. Van Dyke mans the desk. In come ELLEN JUBA, 40s, and her 13-year-old daughter, MICKEY, whose pony tail sticks out from her Florida Marlins baseball cap. VAN DYKE May I help you? MRS. JUBA Yes, I'm Ellen Juba. This is my daughter, Mickey. We'd like to see our congressman. We live in the district. VAN DYKE Just a moment, please. (dials; into phone) Could you come out? Thank you. (hanging up) Be right with you. (to Mickey) I like your hat. Loretta comes out and extends a hand. LORETTA How do you do, I'm Miss Loretta, public liaison for the congressman. MRS. JUBA Ellen Juba. My daughter Mickey. We'd like to see him. LORETTA Y'all from the district? Up here seein' the sights? How'd you folks like some gallery passes? Go on over and listen to the great debates of our day? She reaches into Van Dyke's desk drawer to get some passes. MICKEY We don't want to go to the gallery. We want to see Congressman Johnson. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 74. 109 CONTINUED: 109 LORETTA How 'bout a House key ring for each of you? Here -- see that? Isn't that something? Turns into a pen. MRS. JUBA You don't understand. We're not tourists. We're constitutents. LORETTA (helpfully) You aren't with some organization, are you, honey? MRS. JUBA I'm a goddam citizen! Isn't that enough! MICKEY We're not leaving here till we see him! Loretta exchanges a look with the Lobbyists, who get the picture. She picks up the phone and speaks nonchalantly. LORETTA Oh, Armando? Could you come out front, please? Tommy enters, carrying an enormous tennis trophy. TOMMY Look what I won! Must be that new racket. Armando has come out to hear this. ARMANDO There a problem, congressman? MRS. JUBA Congressman? You? Armando tries to escort her out. MRS. JUBA Get your hands off me! Mickey tries to block Armando. MICKEY Let go of her, you creep! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 75. 109 CONTINUED: (2) 109 SIXTH LOBBYIST Careful, she may be armed! MICKEY Stop it! Get away from her! Armando, defending himself from Mickey, manages to knock her hat off. With the hat comes her (apparently false) pony tail. ON MICKEY. She's bald. Her skull bears the mark of surgery. Everyone stops. It's quiet. Mickey's eyes burn into Tommy's. Then she picks up her hat. MICKEY Come on, Ma. It's okay. Let's go. TOMMY Wait. What happened to you? MICKEY Not just me. 110 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 110 Tommy and his staff listen to the Jubas. MICKEY I was lucky. They said they got it all. I'm going to be okay. But what about the others? TOMMY The others? MRS. JUBA They call it a "cancer cluster." Oh, at first, none of us in the neighborhood wanted to believe it, but then we all saw it -- for me, it was when the two-year-old across the street developed a brain tumor, same as Mickey. We looked at everything -- the water, the air, dump sites, insects, you name it. But we didn't have to look that far. It was staring us in the face. TOMMY What? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 76. 110 CONTINUED: 110 MICKEY Power lines. MRS. JUBA High-voltage power lines. The wires cause magnetic fields -- and the magnetic fields cause cancer. Especially in children. TOMMY I never heard of that. Mickey pulls a stack of journals and xeroxes from her book bag and gives it to her mother, who in turn gives the materials to Tommy. MRS. JUBA The studies, the numbers -- it's all there. MICKEY (to Tommy, skeptical) You're not actually going to read those, are you? TOMMY (caught) Oh, they'll be read... MICKEY Why don't you come see for yourself? Tommy has no quick answer. 111 EXT. PARK/SCHOOL - FLORIDA - DAY 111 Children playing on swings and seesaws in a small public park. TILT UP. A pair of electric power derricks carrying 225,000-volt lines almost directly overhead. The derricks cast shadows across a nearby school. We SEE the neighborhood. Quite a few FOR SALE signs. A house with a moving sale in progress on the front lawn. ON Tommy taking it all in. With him are Celia and the Jubas. MRS. JUBA Five children in the neighborhood have cancer. One more has precancerous lesions. Pregnant women around here are scared to death. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 77. 111 CONTINUED: 111 TOMMY This is Mickey's school? MRS. JUBA Turns out a lot of schools are near power lines. The land's cheap, so the schools tend to buy it from the power companies in the first place. TOMMY But isn't the school district responsible? MRS. JUBA We asked the superintendent to measure the magnetic field inside the school. He said, Okay, only it'll cost forty thousand dollars, and what program did we want him to cut that from? TOMMY Nice. MRS. JUBA We're nobody, congressman. You're somebody. We need your help. Tommy takes Celia aside. TOMMY Do you believe it? CELIA It's impossible to know. No one's really looked into it hard enough. TOMMY But why isn't it being investigated? CELIA Why didn't they investigate breast implants all those years? What about those side-effects of that sleeping pill, Halcion? Why isn't anything being investigated? It's always the same. TOMMY Money talks. CELIA You got it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 78. 111 CONTINUED: 111 TOMMY There must be something I can do for those people. CELIA Don't tell me you're actually developing a conscience. TOMMY Shit, I hope not -- it'd be a fucking nuisance in Congress. CELIA No, that's not fair. Some people on the Hill actually believe in things, and try to do a decent job, and don't forget why they went to Washington, and who sent them. TOMMY (amazed) No shit. (remembering) Oh, yeah, I met one of those geeks. So what can I do? CELIA Make a stink. Round up some Members and hold a press conference. Get that committee of yours to hold hearings. Haul in in the Environmental Protection Agency, the Surgeon General, the National Academy of Sciences. Get the issue on every breakfast table in America. 112 OMITTED 112 112A INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 112A A press conference. Half a dozen congressmen, Tommy among them. Iowa is speaking to the few Cameras and Reporters. Beside him, Mickey Juba and her mother. Reinhardt and Ceila among the handful of staff and onlookers. IOWA This goes beyond personal tragedy. It goes to a public health hazard of unknown proportions. It goes to the right of ordinary people to know all the facts -- (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 79. 112A CONTINUED: 112A TOMMY Yeah, right -- people ought to know if their neighborhoods are killing them. DODGE (O.S.) Amen, gentleman. Amen. They turn, somewhat surprised to see Dick Dodge, who joins Iowa at the microphones, a natural leader. DODGE What a fine effort this is. I am totally sympathetic. Congressional hearings should be scheduled as soon as possible. The American people deserve no less. He puts an arm around Mickey. DODGE Message: we care. 112B INT. TOMMY'S HOUSE - NIGHT 112B Tommy and Celia are watching the press conference on TV. CELIA Well, congratulations. You've found yourself your own hopeless cause. TOMMY Speaking of hopeless causes... They kiss, and slide OUT OF FRAME. 113 OMITTED 113 & & 114 114 115 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - NIGHT 115 An impressive THUNDERSTORM pounds on Dodge's windows. DODGE (pouring) On the rocks, or neat? TOMMY Whatever you're having. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 80. 115 CONTINUED: 115 DODGE Well, why ruin good bourbon with the taste of some shitty Sears icemaker, that's what I always say. (handing Tommy a glass) Cheers. TOMMY Cheers. Dodge downs his drink. Tommy follows suit. DODGE Son, you're a real comer. I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up in the leadership. I'll say this: if I were Speaker, I'd sleep better with you as a lieutenant. TOMMY Why, thank you, Mr. Chairman. You know, to tell you the truth, I didn't know you'd be on my side on those power lines. DODGE But I'm not. TOMMY But you said you were sympathetic -- DODGE Of course I did. We're all sympathetic to little girls with cancer. But I'm not sympathetic to holding an inquiry. TOMMY But you said -- DODGE I know what I said. But that was just a press conference, son. I wasn't under oath. The intercom BUZZES. DODGE (into phone) Yes?... Bring them right in! (hanging up) Look. Son. It's great to get your name in the paper. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 81. 115 CONTINUED: (2) 115 DODGE (CONT'D) I bet the gentleman from Iowa was all over the evening news in Des Moines tonight. Getting good press -- letting them know you care -- that's what it's all about. Smart move, Tommy. But that's as far as I'd go with this, if I were you. The door opens. Dodge turns to see Olaf Anderson, Tommy O'Connor, and Zeke Bridges enter. DODGE What a surprise! ANDERSEN Mr. Chairman! DODGE Mr. Chairman! Hello, Tommy. Zeke you're looking well, good to see you. ZEKE (wheezing) Good to see you, you old sum' bitch. O'CONNOR Evening, Mr. Chairman, thanks for taking the -- Tommy, you s.o.b., they let you in here? (indicating Andersen and Bridges) You folks finally get to press flesh! Olaf, meet Tommy Johnson. Tommy, Olaf Andersen. Chairman of Gulf Coast Power. TOMMY The boys here have told me a lot about you. O'CONNOR Yeah -- I told him you voted for him! They all share a laugh. Except for Bridges, who squints at Tommy. ANDERSEN Glad to meet you, son. They tell me you've got a real talent for the game. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 81A. 115 CONTINUED: (3) 115 O'CONNOR And this is Zeke Bridges, CEO of Pyramid Insurance. ZEKE (still puzzling) Congressman. TOMMY Good to meet you. DODGE Help me with these, would you, Tommy? He hands Tommy a couple of drinks. TOMMY (to Zeke) Chivas on the rocks? ZEKE (taking the drink) You look awfully familiar. Tommy just smiles. DODGE Tommy and I were just talking about power lines. TOMMY Yeah, what a coincidence. I thought this little party might be for me. (to Anderson) You may not like this. (to Dodge) I think we should hold those hearings. DODGE You really fell for the line that parents group fed you, didn't you? Tommy is struck by Dodge's intelligence. TOMMY How'd you know I met the parents group? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 81B. 115 CONTINUED: (4) 115 DODGE Oh, I keep my ear to the ground, that's what a good politician does. Listen, Tommy, why don't we just get Olaf's take on this. ANDERSEN It's tragic, cancer's a terrible thing, but there's no way you can link it to power lines. Truth is, there's a bigger electromagnetic field given off by an electric blanket, or a microwave oven, than by those derricks. TOMMY But there are studies that say -- ZEKE For every study that says one thing, I'll show you a study saying another. We've studied it ourselves. Nada. ANDERSEN There's not a single state health official anywhere in this country who says power lines cause cancer. TOMMY But what if you're wrong? As Tommy persists, Andersen looks increasingly angry. TOMMY People didn't use to say smoking causes cancer, either. What if the evidence is just building, and some day we wake up and discover that your power lines are killing us? ANDERSEN (exploding) "Kill us"? "Kill us"? You calling me a murderer? You're saying there's blood on these hands? How dare you talk to me like that, you -- O'Connor puts a restraining arm on Andersen. O'CONNOR Calm down, Olaf, calm down, he didn't mean it that way, did you, son? Alright, gentlemen. Easy. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 82. 115 CONTINUED: (5) 115 Andersen backs off, regains his composure. The outburst makes an impression on Tommy. Tommy I'm just saying, it's worth looking into. ANDERSEN Tommy -- do you want to move the power lines? Do you know how much it would cost to bury them? Millions. Tens of millions. I don't have that money. The state doesn't have that money. You people up here sure don't have that money. You know who'd end up paying for it? Folks who sent you here, that's who. O'CONNOR Now how'd you like the people in your district to think of you as the putz who tripled their electric bill? You think they'd thank you for that on election day? TOMMY All I'm saying is, maybe we should hold hearings to look at -- O'CONNOR Think for a minute, boychik. You hold your hearings. Overnight, everyone who lives near a substation finds the value of his home in the toilet. You kill the real estate market. ZEKE You kill the insurance companies. O'CONNOR You kill the school district. ANDERSON You kill the local economy. DODGE For a smart boy, you're not thinking very politically. Tommy watches the LIGHTNING. TOMMY Maybe I should think about it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 83. 115 CONTINUED: (6) 115 DODGE Yeah, the system ain't perfect, but the fleas come with the dawg. ANDERSEN Oh, by the way, Tommy, on a completely different subject -- You don't have a state PAC yet, do you? I'd like to give you a hundred thousand dollar corporate contribution to start one up. ZEKE My company would be honored to do the same. TJ Can you do that? I thought there were limits -- O'CONNOR Oh, it's all aboveboard, we all believe deeply in the rules. It's just that the state rules are often more flexible about these things. ANDERSEN Are you interested? TJ I'm always interested in the happiness of my constituents. DODGE I'll drink to that. Dodge and Andersen shoot each other a look. 116 OMITTED 116 & & 117 117 118 EXT. TOMMY'S HOUSE - NIGHT 118 Tommy pulls up in a Corvette with Florida congressional plates in front of his Capitol Hill row house. 119 INT. TOMMY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 119 Tommy slips into bed next to Celia, who's half asleep. CELIA Mmmm... (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 84. 119 CONTINUED: 119 TOMMY Mmmm... CELIA So what did he say? TOMMY Who? CELIA Dodge. The hearings. TOMMY Oh -- I, uh, haven't asked him yet. Celia suddenly looks quite awake. TOMMY (casual) It wasn't the right moment. Besides, I was thinking, maybe I ought to line up some other Members first -- you know, get my ducks in a row. CELIA Oh. 120 INT. HOUSE STEAM ROOM - DAY 120 Dick Dodge and several other towel-clad MEMBERS. DODGE You see that ABC poll? THIRD MEMBER Free fall. DODGE President in trouble like that, he's liable to do something desperate. Some damn fool stunt. FOURTH MEMBER Invade Japan. FIFTH MEMBER Declare war on Congress, more like it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 3/25/92 85A. 120 CONTINUED: (A1) 120 The door opens. Eli Marshall, fully dressed, comes in. MARSHALL You shafted me on the ethics bill. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 86. 120 CONTINUED: 120 DODGE Hello, Eli, good to see you. Why don't you loosen your tie? MARSHALL It's a closed rule. I can't get my amendments on the floor. I can't get a recorded vote. I can't get squat. DODGE Last time I looked, it was the Rules Committee in charge of that. This isn't the Rules Committee, Eli. This is the steam room. MARSHALL This is the U.S. Congress! The American people deserve better than -- DODGE You know what your problem is, Eli? You've got sermonitis. The other Members chuckle. DODGE Can't open your mouth without climbing into the pulpit, can you? Why don't you just calm down, have a massage -- MARSHALL I've got news for you, Dick. I'm going to run against you for Speaker. I may not have a rat's ass of a chance to beat you. But I sure as hell can tell the world the kind of sleaze you stand for. 121 EXT. CAPITOL TERRACE - DAY - TOMMY AND DODGE 121 DODGE I went too far with him, I know it. You know him pretty well, don't you? TOMMY Oh, I don't know... DODGE Come on, you play basketball together, you're seeing his niece, you've been to his church -- TOMMY How did you know that? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 87. 121 CONTINUED: 121 Dodge indicates his bloodhound nose. DODGE He'll listen to you, Tommy. I want you to go make peace between us. Tell him we'll work something out on his amendments -- not a vote, I won't go that far, but at least he'll get to say his piece on the floor. Just get him off my back. Can you do that for me? TOMMY That's not a question, is it? DODGE That's right. Is there a problem? TOMMY No, no -- I've still got my right nut, I can work with that. 122 INT. CRAB HOUSE - NIGHT 122 A WAITER removes an empty pitcher of beer. WAITER Another? TOMMY Sure, why not. Marshall takes a boiled crab from the platter between them, places it on the butcher paper in front of him, christens it -- MARSHALL The honorable Dick Dodge. -- raises a big wooden mallet, and SMASHES it on the crab, smiling. TOMMY You know, Eli, sometimes people do things they regret. Everyone makes mistakes. Fact is, Dick's been under a lot of pressure lately -- MARSHALL That man's a walking quid quo pro -- prid quo -- quid pro quo, and you know it. He put you up to this, didn't he? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 88. 122 CONTINUED: 122 TOMMY What do you mean? MARSHALL Don't shit me, Tommy. You're Dick Dodge's yes-man. I know what you're up to. This is damage control. TOMMY I'm not a yes-man. When Dick says no, I say no. Marshall SMASHES down again with the mallet. Crab carnage. MARSHALL You know why no one on the Hill drops a dime on anyone else? Mutual assured destruction. Our little gentleman's agreement. Everybody has something on somebody, so nobody has anything on anybody, because everybody wants to save his own ass. TOMMY (interested) Oh, yeah? What do they have on you? MARSHALL They think I'm a pompous ass. TOMMY Shit, that ain't no secret. 123 EXT. CRAB HOUSE - NIGHT 123 Reinhardt and Loretta about to go in. LORETTA You sure they don't want to be alone, Reinhardt? REINHARDT No, no -- I bet they've been talking about the ethics bill all night. Come on, Loretta, you'll know how to get Marshall's mind off business. 124 INT. CRAB HOUSE - NIGHT - ON MARSHALL AND TOMMY 124 MARSHALL Shit, this place isn't about passing laws any more. It isn't about doing good any more. All it's about is... being here. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 88A. 124 CONTINUED: 124 Loretta and Reinhardt approach their table. LORETTA Well, as I live and breathe. Tommy! Tommy is surprised to see them. She flashes a smile at Marshall. TOMMY Eli, this is Loretta Hicks, from my staff. Loretta, Congressman Marshall. LORETTA Pleasure to meet you. MARSHALL Entirely mine. TOMMY You know Reinhardt, my AA? Marshall nods. Reinhardt turns to Tommy. REINHARDT Excuse me, congressman, could I just do a couple of quick calendar things with you? MARSHALL (to Loretta) Would you care for a drink? LORETTA Tell you the truth, nothing for me. MARSHALL Well, when a pretty lady shoots him down, an old man knows it's time to go home. Marshall rises, pulling out his car keys. MARSHALL You kids have a good time. REINHARDT (indicating pitcher) Listen, you gentlemen look like you've had a few -- Loretta, why don't you be a designated driver? Loretta stands and takes Marshall's keys from him. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 89. 124 CONTINUED: (2) 124 LORETTA Excellent idea. MARSHALL Ah. The good Samaritan. LORETTA Good night, y'all. They leave. REINHARDT Now we've already got the Bankruptcy Institute breakfast tomorrow, but if you don't mind we could wedge in the Prune Board -- This isn't what Tommy wants to be doing now. He gets up. TOMMY I'm packing it in. REINHARDT (also rising) Can we talk while I drive you? TOMMY Thanks, I'll walk. I could use the air. 125 INT. MARSHALL'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT 125 Marshall and Loretta are singing. MARSHALL and LORETTA "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me -- " 126 EXT. CAPITOL HILL STREET - NIGHT 126 Tommy is on foot. Marshall's car, with its Maryland congressional plates, pulls over. LORETTA Come on, honey, no use you getting mugged. 127 INT. MARSHALL'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT 127 MARSHALL and LORETTA "I once was lost, but now am found; was blind, but now I see... " Tommy, in the back, cradles his head. As Loretta heads into a traffic circle, she SEES THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 90. 128 EXT. TRAFFIC CIRCLE - NIGHT - A HOOKER 128 in high sling-back heels. 129 INT. MARSHALL'S CAR - NIGHT 129 LORETTA (turning to look) Check out the fuck-me pumps on that. Mm-mm. I gotta get me some shoes like that. TOMMY Loretta! Please! Your mouth! 130 EXT. TRAFFIC CIRCLE - NIGHT 130 With a SCREECH of brakes and a CRUNCH of metal, a TAXI rear-ends them, SLAMMING Marshall's car into a lamppost. 131 INT. TAXI - NIGHT 131 The Taxi Driver looks at the wreck for a moment. Then he lays rubber and SQUEALS away. 132 INT./EXT. MARSHALL'S CAR - NIGHT 132 On the back floor, Tommy stirs. Seems to be okay. Lifts himself to see up front. The windshield is smashed. Loretta and Marshall are both unconscious. Tommy climbs into the front but can't get the door open. He kicks out a broken window and climbs through. He runs to a phone on the corner and dials 911. TOMMY I need an ambulance right away. IN THE CAR no motion from Loretta or Marshall. AT THE PHONE he dials another number. TOMMY Evening, Mrs. Dodge, Tommy Johnson here, sorry to call at this hour, is Dick back from the Gridiron dinner yet? Could I speak with him for just a moment? 133 INT. DODGE BEDROOM - NIGHT 133 MRS. DODGE is in bed. She hands the phone to Dodge, who's in white tie and tails, looking more sinister than splendid. MRS. DODGE Tommy Johnson. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 91. 133 CONTINUED: 133 DODGE (into phone) What's wrong? INTERCUT Tommy and Dodge. TOMMY How did you know? DODGE Good news doesn't come at this hour. TOMMY I went out with Marshall. We got into an accident. He's out cold. I'm okay. Dodge looks off balance. DODGE Were you driving? TOMMY No. Someone else. Loretta. Dodge recovers his equilibrium. DODGE The girl from your office? TOMMY Yeah. She's out, too. I don't like the way it looks. For anybody. Look. You said you wanted to get back into Marshall's good graces. Well, here's an opportunity. DODGE Listen carefully. Tell the ambulance to take you to Walter Reed. It's a privilege they give congressmen. It's also the only hospital without a bunch of goddam reporters shtupping the nurses in exchange for leaks. They'll keep it quiet. I'll handle the police. You go home and keep your mouth shut. 134 INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT 134 Two figures approach one another in the shadows: Reinhardt, and the Taxi Driver who rear-ended Marshall's car. The cabbie nods. Reinhardt hands him an envelope. The Driver inspects the cash. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 91A. 135 INT. TOMMY'S BATHROOM/BEDROOM - MORNING 135 Tommy is shaving. He HEARS the local tv news from the bedroom. WASHINGTON ANCHOR (V.O.) ... and the Beltway is bumper-to bumper, so you might as well take a day of annual leave and enjoy yourself. At the top of the news, Maryland Congressman Elijah Marshall is in satisfactory condition at Walter Reed Hospital after an overnight accident in the District. Tommy bolts into the bedroom. On the television he sees 136 VIDEO - EXT. WALTER REED HOSPITAL - GATES - DAY 136 A CORRESPONDENT doing a stand-up. CORRESPONDENT That's right, Tom. Marshall reportedly had alcohol in his blood. Also slightly injured was an unidentified woman whom police say has a record in several states for prostitution. Tommy looks sick. TOMMY Oh sweet Jesus. WASHINGTON ANCHOR Linda, Congressman Marshall -- that's Reverend Marshall, isn't it? CORRESPONDENT Right you are, Tom. How this plays into his longstanding campaign to reform congressinoal ethics is now anyone's guess. WASHINGTON ANCHOR Thank you. In other news... Tommy leaps for his clothes. 137 INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 137 Tommy races down the corridor. Ahead of him, Celia, coming out of Marshall's room. She freezes at the sight of him. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 92. 137 CONTINUED: 137 CELIA Get away from him. He approaches her. CELIA And get away from me. TOMMY I have to talk to you. CELIA Go away! TOMMY I was set up! CELIA You were set up? You were in the car! I didn't hear your name on the news! TOMMY No, someone screwed him -- CELIA "Someone"? TOMMY Celia, something stinks here -- CELIA Yeah -- it's you! You don't give a damn about anything! And to think, the other night, I actually thought you cared about someone else. He puts his hand to her face. She brushes it off. CELIA Not me, you jerk -- Mickey Juba! You caved on those power lines, didn't you? I knew it. Damn it, I knew it! What did you get for it? Tommy O'Connor's box at the Redskins? Someone slip you a condo in the Virgin Islands? TOMMY If you'd give me a chance to -- (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 93. 137 CONTINUED: (2) 137 CELIA God, I hate this town -- the only reason I stay is because I hate it so much. TOMMY Celia -- CELIA Get the hell out of here. 138 EXT. FLORIDA PARK - DAY - LONG SHOT - TOMMY AND 138 MICKEY JUBA sitting on the ground, backs to us, beneath the power lines. A quiet moment. REVERSE ANGLE - TWO SHOT. Mickey is shuffling a deck of cards. MICKEY Is it thumb over, or thumb under? TOMMY Under. She tries her hand at a false shuffle. TOMMY Not bad, kid. You've got potential. MICKEY So what's happening? I thought you were going to kick some ass on -- She indicates the derricks. Tommy looks at her, comes to a decision. TOMMY I am. He takes the deck from her, fans it face up, pulls all the kings and aces, stacks them on top, and squares the deck. TOMMY This is one's called the double duke. How many players? MICKEY Six. TOMMY Who's the mark? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 94. 138 CONTINUED: 138 She points to an imaginary poker player. MICKEY Number two -- over there. Tommy, smiling, calculates something for a moment, then gives the deck four shuffles. He hands Mickey the cards. TOMMY Your deal. She deals out six hands in a circle on the ground. TOMMY Look at the sucker's hand. She turns over the hand at number two. It has the four kings. Mickey WHISTLES at the hand. TOMMY Look at your hand. She turns over her own hand. It has the four aces. Mickey looks at the power lines, at the hands, at TJ. Then, understanding: MICKEY That's what you're going to do? Tommy nods. Her face opens into a big smile. MICKEY Let's kick some ass. What do I do? TOMMY Something very important. 139 INT. TOMMY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY 139 Tommy pow-wows with Loretta Van Dyke, and Armando. Aside from a sling, Loretta looks okay. VAN DYKE Why are we meeting here, Tommy? There trouble at the office? TOMMY (impersonating Dodge) "I keep my ear close to the ground." His ear my ass. He had an inside man. ARMANDO That little fuck Reinhardt? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 95. 139 CONTINUED: 139 LORETTA Hot damn -- I knew my driving wasn't that bad. Speaking of which -- you think I should wear one of those whiplash things, Tommy? There some insurance angle I should be working here? TOMMY We got bigger fish to fry, darlin'. VAN DYKE What do we do? TOMMY (beat) The big con. LORETTA We gonna git that sucker. TOMMY Dick always said I should think big. ARMANDO Whoa! Aren't we gettin' out of our league, man? That Dodge is a pro! VAN DYKE You can't con a con, Congressman. LORETTA Shit, that's right, Tommy -- these politicians are serious slick fish. TOMMY You people gone soft on me? Bunch of fuckin' incumbents I got here. Now listen up. Thursday morning Dodge has a breakfast with the Arts Caucus in the Longworth Room. Armando -- find out how fast I can get from Longworth to my office. Loretta -- we need some scoop from the EPA for the roper, I'll give you a list. Van Dyke -- call Hattie at the Silver Foxes, and -- LORETTA Wait a minute -- we need a new roper, don't we? Everyone around here knows our faces. Outside a HORN sounds (O.S.). Tommy looks at his watch. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 96. 139 CONTINUED: 139 TOMMY Right on the nose. He throws open the bay window of the narrow house. Just below is a pickup truck with "Homer's Pit Stop" lettered on the side. Homer gets out. TOMMY My man! The others come to the window to see Homer, still wearing his fuel-smeared overalls, and SHOUT greetings. TOMMY Now let's get to work. 140 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 140 The Members are being seated for a hearing. At the dais, Tommy approaches Dodge. A beat as Dodge studies Tommy's face. TOMMY Eli Marshall caught his tail in a crack, didn't he? DODGE He did. TOMMY You kept my name out of it. DODGE I did. TOMMY I owe you one. DODGE (pleased) You learn fast. TOMMY Do me one favor, Dick. Next time you pull some heavy shit involving my ass, tip me off, okay? DODGE (indulgent chuckle) Alright, son. (BANGS gavel) This hearing of the Power and Enterprise Committee is now in order. The health of America's securities industry -- (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 97. 140 CONTINUED: 140 Reinhardt approaches Tommy and slips him a packet of materials. TOMMY (whispering) Thanks. Listen, Reinhardt, something's come up, and I don't quite know how to handle it. There's a guy from the EPA -- I don't know him -- says he wants to see me. Tonight. Out of the office. Alone, he says. Sound of it makes me nervous. I'd feel better if you were there. REINHARDT You got it, jefe. 141 EXT. GRANT'S STATUE - NIGHT 141 A man waits, alone, in the shadow of a large statue. It's Homer. In a jacket and tie, his stubble shaved off, he looks like a plausible government worker. Tommy and Reinhardt approach. TOMMY Mr. Yancey? HOMER (cold) I thought you'd be alone. TOMMY He's my AA. He goes where I go. If you can trust me, you can trust him. Homer eyes Reinhardt a moment, then continues. HOMER Congressman, I have information I think you may want. It's about something going on at the EPA. TOMMY What have you got? HOMER I got a wife and three kids, and a note on my house, that's what I got. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 98. 141 CONTINUED: 141 TOMMY (laughs) Nothin' comes for nothin' in this town, do it? (to Reinhardt) You got any cash on you? I'm kind of light. REINHARDT (whispering) You can't do that! TOMMY (to Homer) This stuff's pretty good? HOMER In the right hands, it could mean a great deal. TOMMY Okay. Sunday. Fifth race at Del Mar. Blueboy is running twenty to one. I'd take a major position. HOMER You have to be shitting me. TOMMY No, not at all -- my Cousin Henry spends his days pumping water into horses' stomachs and stuffing Percodan up their butts. Trust me. Reinhardt is interested in this. And he admires Tommy's m.o. HOMER (after a moment) Alright. The White House is putting heat on the EPA. They want us to announce a major investigation of the relation between power lines and cancer clusters. REINHARDT But didn't the EPA already do a study? HOMER Yeah, but when the draft got to the White House, they didn't like it. So they brought their own scientists in to kill it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 99. 141 CONTINUED: (2) 141 TOMMY Why did the White House change its mind? HOMER Who knows? TOMMY Is there new evidence? HOMER Yeah -- their polls have dropped like a rock. They need an issue. This one makes them look good on the environment, and they don't have to spend a penny. TOMMY And what good is this to me? HOMER Come on, congressman, in this town, information is currency. And advance information is gold. Reinhardt nods in agreement. HOMER But you've got to move fast. Once the White House goes public with this, they can't turn back. If your friends at the power company want to kill this investigation, they'd better do it now. Evening, gentlemen. After Homer leaves: REINHARDT Blueboy. Twenty to one. Is your Cousin Henry always right? TOMMY I ain't got no Cousin Henry. 142 EXT. PAY PHONE - BY REFLECTING POOL - NIGHT 142 Reinhardt dials. MRS. DODGE'S VOICE (V.O.) Hello? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 100. 142 CONTINUED: 142 REINHARDT Mrs. Dodge, it's Arthur Reinhardt. May I speak to the Chairman, please? DODGE (V.O.) Hello? REINHARDT Are you sitting down? 143 INT. ART CAUCUS ROOM - DAY 143 The Longworth Room, a small circular committee room with an ornate rotunda. The Arts Caucus breakfast is ending. THIRD MEMBER Unless there is further business, our caucus stands adjourned. Dodge gets up. As he makes to leave, Tommy comes in. TOMMY Got a minute, Dick? Tommy takes him aside. The room empties except for them. TOMMY Listen, Dick, I heard something. There's got to be some bid'ness in it. Tommy very discreetly gestures with his thumb and palm: money. TOMMY Maybe we can go in on it together. DODGE I'm listening. TOMMY The EPA is going to make a stink about power lines. The White House is pushing them to do a big study. DODGE That's very interesting, my friend. I've heard that, too. TOMMY (acting surprised) Nothing gets by, do it? Tommy touches his nose, in tribute to the master. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 100A. 143 CONTINUED: 143 DODGE But thank you, son -- I'm glad you chose to share it with me. We do make quite a team, don't we? TOMMY I -- I hope it wasn't my press conference that started this. DODGE No, this is a stunt for the polls. TOMMY So do you think there's something in it for us? DODGE (musing) If we got the EPA off Olaf Andersen's back, he'd be extremely appreciative. TOMMY And how do we do that? DODGE My committee writes the EPA's programs. We audit their funds. We confirm their appointees. I've got them by the balls. TOMMY And you're going to -- ? Tommy makes a squeezing gesture, grins. DODGE Oh, no, not at all -- just... persuasion. Strenuous persuasion. TOMMY That's allowed? DODGE Persuasion, yes. Intimidation, no. But it's a gray area. Who's to say which is which? TOMMY Dick, wait a minute -- shouldn't we check out the tip? Make sure the EPA's really going through with this investigation? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 101. 143 CONTINUED: (2) 143 DODGE Of course. (looks at watch) He should be in by now. TOMMY Who? DODGE Skeeter Warburton, of course. Always go right to the top, son. 144 INT. DODGE'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 144 Dodge passes his Secretary's desk on the way into his office. DODGE Get me the EPA Administrator, please. 145 INT. CORRIDOR/STAIRWELL - CANNON - DAY 145 Tommy jogs along the corridor. A tourist Family stares at him. He explains his haste with a smile -- TOMMY There's a vote on the floor. -- and ducks into the stairwell. 146 INT. CATACOMBS - PHONE CABLE ROOM - DAY 146 In a chamber crammed with cables, the Telephone Man listens to a handset. He now sports a gold Rolex on his wrist -- his horse must have come in. Van Dyke, also there, looks at any array of dials and meters, whose hands all suddenly move. Some electronic phone CHIRPS, then the filtered RINGING of a call. VAN DYKE Here he comes. The Telephone Man nods, adjusts some wiring, smiles satisfiedly. TELEPHONE MAN And there he goes. 147 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE 147 Loretta wears a beaded sling, which adds to her look. She is at Tommy's desk, watching his phone as it RINGS. Tommy comes in. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 102. 147 CONTINUED: 147 TOMMY The Administrator. Loretta picks up the phone. LORETTA Office of the Adminstrator. (listens) Thank you, I'll put you right through. She hands the phone to Tommy, who mimics the George Plimpton voice. TOMMY Warbuton here. (listens) Thank you. (waits) Mr. Chairman! I do hope there's something I can help you with today. 148 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - DAY 148 DODGE I need a straight answer from you, Skeeter. Is the White House on your ass about power lines? TOMMY Off the record? DODGE Of course. TOMMY I was looking forward to some serious sailing this week -- Tish and I have a lovely spot right by Kennebunkport. Instead, here I am at three in the morning, writing testimony to your committee about cancer clusters. DODGE Thanks for your candor, Warburton. TOMMY Not at all. You must come sailing with us. Cheers. Bye-bye. Tommy passes the phone back to Loretta. TOMMY Next. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 102A. 149 INT. ANDERSEN'S OFFICE - DAY 149 ANDERSEN Yes? SECRETARY (V.O.) Zeke Bridges on line two. Andersen punches the button to connect the call. 150 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 150 LORETTA I'll just put you through to him. She passes the phone to Tommy. TOMMY Olaf? (coughs) Olaf, Zeke Bridges. Listen, you sum' bitch, I'm so mad, I can't sit down to shit. Have you heard what I heard? (wheezes) INTERCUT with Andersen. ANDERSEN What's that. TOMMY The EPA's fixing to make a big stink about power lines and cancer. They're going to serve us up for breakfast. ANDERSEN Wait a minute. There's no scientific proof -- TOMMY Proof don't mean shit. We're talking politics. They make a federal case out of power lines, I'm screwed. Whole insurance business is screwed. You know how much cash I'd have to pay out in settlements? Even if I stiffed everybody on claims, the legal fees'd be enough to kill me. ANDERSEN I can't believe it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 103. 150 CONTINUED: 150 TOMMY You better believe it. You're screwed, too. Every hot dog trial lawyer in America soon be lining up to sue both our asses. We got to move on this, Olaf. If I wasn't tied up here, I'd go to Washington myself. Shouldn't you be getting on a plane? Just between us -- you find a way to stop this, I'll find a million bucks if I have to. 151 INT. CORPORATE JET - DAY 151 A very worried Andersen. 152 INT. HILL CORRIDOR - DAY 152 Tommy and Dodge walking along a Capitol hallway. DODGE Olaf will be at my office at five o'clock. TOMMY How do we play it? DODGE Cool. Real cool. You just follow my lead. 153 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - DAY - DODGE, TOMMY, ANDERSEN, 153 O'CONNOR DODGE I don't know how I can help you on this one, Olaf. This is the EPA. This is the President. ANDERSEN This is my lifeblood! DODGE I see that, Olaf, I see that. But in this town, you pick your fights. ANDERSEN This could mean six figures, Dick. Dodge says nothing, but makes his eyebrows fly. ANDERSEN High six figures. Dodge flicks his eyebrows again: More. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 104. 153 CONTINUED: 153 ANDERSEN Seven figures? TOMMY Between us. It's not that much -- what can you get for half a million these days? ANDERSEN How the hell can I funnel that kind of money to you? O'CONNOR If that's what you want, we can always find a loophole. No one will see your fingerprints. ANDERSEN No one will know? DODGE No one will know. O'CONNOR You're only in trouble if someone can prove a connection. DODGE Of course there's no connection. Olaf's just making a contribution as a patriotic citizen. And in return for it, he's getting -- TOMMY Good government. DODGE Exactly. A little access, that's all. 154 INT. ORNATE CAPITOL HALLWAY - DAY 154 Dodge, Andersen, Tommy, and O'Connor walking along. Up ahead, a cocktail reception. On an easel by the door: HAZARDOUS WASTE ASSOCIATION MEET YOUR REPRESENTATIVE NIGHT. DODGE I've got to do a drop-by. You gentlemen like to join me for a drink? 155 INT. ORNATE FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 155 Dodge and Tommy work the room genially. Tommy spots Celia talking to some Guests and goes over to her. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 105. 155 CONTINUED: 155 TOMMY Hi. CELIA (to Guests, smiling) Excuse me. She turns, starts to walk away. Tommy stops her. TOMMY Look. Whatever you think of me, just promise me one thing. She glares at him angrily. But then she's surprised to hear: TOMMY Come to the Clean Air hearing tomorrow. CELIA (baffled) What? TOMMY Power and Enterprise. Noon. CELIA But why? He gives her an enigmatic smile and slips away. As he rejoins Dodge, Tommy SEES WARBURTON enter the room. Alarmed, TOmmy moves in on Dodge, steering him to avoid the EPA Administrator. TOMMY Shouldn't we be heading off, Dick? DODGE Let's work the room just a bit more. REINHARDT (O.S.) Congressman! Mr. Chairman! As Dodge turns to see him -- DODGE Evening, Reinhardt. -- he SEES Warburton. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 106. 155 CONTINUED: (2) 155 REINHARDT (O.S.) Good to see you, sir. By the way, I thought your opening statement in committee yesterday was brilliant. Dodge points out Warburton to Tommy. DODGE Well. Look who's over there -- Skeeter Warburton from the EPA. The very man we want to see. TOMMY (trying to turn him) Have you tried the oysters, Dick? DODGE At a hazardous waste event? (shakes head) I think we'll go talk to him. TOMMY No, he's the wrong man -- DODGE (bemused by Tommy) You don't understand -- he's the perfect man. TOMMY But -- but you don't want to bother him with this. Talk to one of his underlings -- Dodge looks at Tommy with curiosity, not understanding his reluctance. DODGE Nothing beats man-to-man. TOMMY Here? Not here! DODGE A public place. What could be better? TOMMY But it's the wrong time! DODGE While the iron is hot, son. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 107. 155 CONTINUED: (3) 155 REINHARDT (chiming in helpfully) No time like the present. TOMMY Shut up, Reinhardt, I'm talking to the Chairman. Beat it, okay? REINHARDT (smiling to Dodge) I'll go get him. Reinhardt heads for Warburton. TOMMY (puts hand on abdomen) You heard about this stomach thing going around? DODGE Come on, son, we've got the people's business to do. He leads Tommy off to one side. Reinhardt brings Warburton to them. WARBURTON Mr. Chairman. Congressman. DODGE I've got a big problem, Skeeter. WARBURTON What's that? DODGE Your power lines investigation. WARBURTON What power lines investigation? Tommy is sweating bullets. DODGE We're off the record, Skeeter. This witch-hunt for cancer clusters is bad news for everyone. WARBURTON I don't know what you're talking about, Dick. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 108. 155 CONTINUED: (4) 155 DODGE Alright, I know you're being a good soldier -- WARBURTON No, I'm being straight with you -- DODGE Then let me be straight with you. You announce this study -- I'm not talking about the results down the road, mind you, I'm just talking about the announcement -- and there's broken crockery everywhere. Real estate. Utilities. Insurance. Schools. Local governments. It'll cost jobs. Uproot families. WARBURTON I agree with you completely. There isn't going to be an investigation, old chap, I promise you. DODGE (beat) I'm glad we understand each other. WARBURTON (beat) Yes, I think we do. Tommy silently rejoices in his good fortune. DODGE And we'll just forget about that phone call this morning? WARBURTON We didn't speak on the phone. DODGE (vastly impressed) Excellent. Dodge claps him on the shoulder, then heads off with Tommy, who is delighted to have dodged a bullet. TOMMY (imitating Warburton) "There isn't going to be an investigation, old chap." DODGE (chuckling) You're bad. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 109. 155 CONTINUED: (5) 155 They join up with Andersen and O'Connor. DODGE (sotto voce) Worked like a charm. We scared him shitless. The investigation's dead. ANDERSEN Waiter! Champagne! (to Dodge) See you at the Clear Air hearings. 156 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA/CORRIDOR - DAY 156 As Reinhardt comes into the office, Tommy intercepts him. TOMMY Morning, Reinhardt! Got a minute? I need your advice on something. REINHARDT Sure. Tommy leads him back into the corridor. 157 INT. TOMMY'S BOILER ROOM - DAY 157 Van Dyke, Armando, and Loretta work the phones. VAN DYKE Is this the assignment desk? Yes, I'm calling from Chairman Dodge's office, on the Hill. We wanted to be sure CNN was sending a crew to the Clean Air hearing today. ARMANDO (OVERLAPPING) No, not the new emission standards. We're breaking news. This is the biggest thing since Watergate. LORETTA (OVERLAPPING) This is Cynthia Leeson in the White House Press Office. My boss wanted me to let you folks know -- we're making a major announcement at the Clean Air hearings today. (listens) No, I can't tell you, but it's hot. (listens) Well, if the New York Times wants to be the only paper in town to miss the story of the year, that's up to y'all. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 109A. 158 INT. TOMMY'S CAGE/CORRIDOR - DAY 158 Tommy has drawn Reinhardt into the cage. TOMMY I want to do a little something nice for Dodge. That EPA thing -- he's been good to me, Reinhardt. Is there some way I can, like, throw a bouquet to him at the hearing today without having to sit through that boring testimony shit? REINHARDT Why don't you ask him to give you the floor at the start? TOMMY He's do that? REINHARDT For some flattery? In a New York minute. Just tip him ahead of time. TOMMY Good thinking. They return to the corridor. Tommy looks at his watch. TOMMY Say, Reinhardt, my Grandma's plane comes in at ten. You wouldn't mind picking her up and driving Miss Daisy around, would you? REINHARDT Can't one of the others do it? TOMMY No, I don't trust them the way I trust you. TOMMY pats him on the back and sends him on his way. 159 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 159 Tommy, joined by his cronies and the Jubas. TOMMY This is it, people. Game time. Let's get it right. ARMANDO Tell me one thing, jefe. How do you know Andersen is going to bite? TOMMY I don't. You run a con, you run a risk. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 110. 160 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 160 A hundred or so members of the public -- trade groups, Hill staffers, lawyers, tourists -- settle into their seats. VAN DYKE escorts Hattie Rifkin and a busload of Silver Foxes. Loretta comes in with Ellen and Mickey Juba. GRANDMA comes in, on Reinhardt's arm. She is dressed up as a biddy, down to a hat with fruit on it. COMMITTEE MEMBERS head for their seats at the dais. OLAF ANDERSEN is at the witness table, along with a couple of other businessmen. In a seat behind Andersen, Tommy O'Connor. THE PRESS. A good turnout, with several camera crews. WASHINGTON REPORTER #1 You know what this is? WASHINGTON REPORTER #2 (confidential) It's very hot. Electric cars. CELIA is seated with Ira, her Pro Bono associate. CELIA I'm cutting out early. IRA (indicating TJ) Don't want to run into him? CELIA You got that right. AT THE DAIS Tommy has a private word with Dodge. TOMMY Dick, I thought it might be a nice way to open if I congratulated you on the fine work you been doin' on this committee. Really express our appreciation. Especially on behalf of the minority community. DODGE Why, thank you, son. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 111. 160 CONTINUED: 160 TOMMY (indicating cameras) Wouldn't hurt to have tape like that in the bank, would it, Mr. Speaker? HOMER slips in next to Reinhardt, who is surprised to see him. REINHARDT Mr. Yancey? Arthur Reinhardt. Are you testifying for the agency? GRANDMA (leaning over) Hello, Homer, dear. REINHARDT No, Mrs. Johnson, you must be mistaken -- let me introduce you. This is Mr. Yancey of the EPA. GRANDMA (to Reinhardt) Don't be silly, child. HOMER Homer Norton. Homer's Pit Stop, Axahatchee, Florida. GRANDMA Homer's known Tommy since they were in diapers. REINHARDT (getting up) What the -- ? From the row behind Reinhardt, Armando clamps Reinhardt down. ARMANDO Move and you're history. DODGE GAVELS the meeting to order. DODGE This meeting of the Power and Enterprise Committee to consider the reauthorization of the Clean Air Act is now in session. Today's first business is a panel of national leaders in the field of utilities. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 112. 160 CONTINUED: (2) 160 DODGE (CONT'D) Before I welcome them, Chair would like to yield to the gentleman from Florida for a word. If there is no objection from the Committee -- ? The gentleman may proceed. TOMMY Mr. Chairman, on behalf of the other members of this committee, and on behalf of myself, I have a very personal statement to make. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you -- thank you for your leadership, for your insight, for your boldness... Dodge preens for the cameras, until: TOMMY ... and for your courage. Especially your courage. DODGE (surprised) My courage? TOMMY Your courage in exposing the corruption that eats away at this institution. Your courage in taking on the special interests. Your courage in taking a major new step -- DODGE But I've... I've... I've done nothing new, nothing at all -- what are you talking about? TOMMY You're right -- integrity isn't new to you, Mr. Chairman, it's second nature to you. Still it's a rare public servant who'll take on the special interest money, take on the PACs -- ANDERSEN, wary, senses danger. TOMMY (O.S.) take on the lobbyists and fat cats -- CELIA is fascinated. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 113. 160 CONTINUED: (3) 160 TOMMY (O.S.) ... and who'll stand up instead for ordinary American citizens... ON ELLEN AND MICKEY JUBA TOMMY (O.S.) ... the plain people who just want peace of mind -- who just want to know they're raising their kids in safe neighborhoods and sending them to safe schools. ON THE DAIS Dodge wants to wrap this up. TOMMY Yes, courage, Mr. Chairman, is a quality that you have in abundance -- DODGE Well, yes, thank you, but we have to move along, if the gentleman would -- TOMMY (undeterred) Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday, the Chairman and I had a meeting in his office with Olaf Andersen of Gulf Coast Power, and his lobbyist, Mr. Tommy O'Connor -- (indicating) these gentlemen here. Chairman Dodge and I listened in astonishment as Olaf Andersen offered us seven figures -- that's one million dollars, ladies and gentlemen. A BUZZ in the room. O'CONNOR leans forward to Andersen. O'CONNOR Dodge double-crossed us. ANDERSEN You're fired. ON TOMMY TOMMY One million dollars, if we would stop the EPA from investigating the connection between power lines and cancer clusters. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 114. 160 CONTINUED: (4) 160 Shocked MURMURS sweep the room. REINHARDT is aghast. HOMER and ARMANDO are delighted. TOMMY Isn't that right, Mr. Andersen? Tommy flicks his eyebrows at Andersen, provocatively, imitating Dodge. ANDERSEN That's a vicious lie. Dodge GAVELS sharply, turns to Tommy. DODGE Will the gentleman yield? ANDERSEN That's not possible! You can't give anyone that kind of money! Dodge continues GAVELING. TOMMY Oh, yes, you can. As Mr. O'Connor said to you, quote: "If that's what you want, we can always find a loophole. No one will know." Remember saying that, Tommy? O'CONNOR I do not! DODGE (standing) I insist that the gentlemen yield! Tommy also stands, and produces a video tape. TOMMY You can't deny it, Mr. Andersen! We have the whole thing on this tape! The room erupts. THE PRESS loves it. Still cameras CLICK and WHIR. DODGE despairs. REINHARDT puts his hand over his face. TOMMY Yesterday, at Chairman Dodge's courageous suggestion, I taped the whole conversation. It's all there. Mr. Chairman, I thank you. The people thank you. America thanks you. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 115. 160 CONTINUED: (5) 160 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS DODGE. The clapping is considerably sweetened by the Panthers and the rest of Tommy's claque. DODGE gauges their reaction, gets an inspiration. The storm leaves his face, and becomes a smile, which he beams on Tommy. DODGE I thank the distinguished gentleman. And I thank my fellow citizens. Our methods in this investigation may have been unorthodox, but together -- (indignant, at Andersen) we have exposed a canker at the very heart of democracy. APPLAUSE. Tommy is amazed at Dodge's survival skills. REINHARDT, delighted at the turn, claps heartily. ANDERSEN, livid, leaps up and shouts at Dodge. ANDERSEN You bastard! You set me up! DODGE Witness is out of order! ANDERSEN You stood to make a million bucks off of me! Who offered you more? I want to know! A new BUZZ sweeps the room. O'Connor tries to restrain Andersen, who sloughs him off. ANDERSEN You're as big a whore as he is! MICKEY JUBA catches Tommy's eye and mouths a question. MICKEY Now? Tommy shakes his head: no. 161 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 161 The phone by Eli Marshall's bed RINGS. He answers. MARSHALL Hello? No. You're joking. (to Man in next bed) You mind if I put on C-span? THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 116. 162 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 162 ANDERSEN There's no loyalty any more, is there, Dick? What about the three hundred grand you squeezed from me for that goddam voter registration front of yours -- that just water under the bridge? O'Connor tries again to restrain him. ANDERSEN Don't touch me, you scum! MICKEY JUBA mouths: MICKEY Now? Tommy shakes his head again. No. ANDERSEN What about the two hundred k for your phony foundation, Dick? How about the ten thousand copies if your goddam autobiography you muscled me to buy -- what's all that, ancient history? Andersen advances toward the dais, pointing now to six or seven other Members of the Committee among the total of 28. ANDERSEN And you -- what about those bundled checks from my executives? I gave you my condo in Vail! I gave you my corporate jet to fly all over the world! I gave your kids summer jobs! I put up scholarships to put your kids through college! I hired your goddam wife to redecorate my office! You telling me none of that counts for anything? Andersen grabs Dodge by the throat. ANDERSEN I thought you people were for sale! I was wrong -- you're just for rent! Dodge struggles free of Andersen, who is dragged away from Dodge by Capitol Police. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 117. 162 CONTINUED: 162 DODGE How dare you impugn my integrity! Everything I've done has been completely legal! TOMMY (acting astonished) Mr. Chairman! You mean to say you did all that stuff? You took all that money? Shock in the room. Some BOOS. IOWA does a nice HOG CALL. TJ sends a little wave and smile to Celia. DODGE There's nothing I've done that -- (indicating other Members) -- that these gentlemen haven't done! Committee Members rush to dissociate themselves from Dodge. MEMBERS No!... Not me!... Just him!... I never!... He crossed the line! ANDERSEN They're whores! All of them! MICKEY JUBA tries again. MICKEY Now? TJ nods yes. MICKEY Throw the bums out! LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE. She's touched a nerve. TJ leaps into the moment. TJ Damn straight! Throw the bums out! This place is an outhouse! ON THE PUBLIC. GASPS, WHOOPS, and APPLAUSE. Reinhardt sinks lower and lower into his seat. VOICES (calling) Throw the bums out! Throw the bums out! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 118. 162 CONTINUED: (2) 162 Tommy, enjoying the triumph, can't help rubbing Dodge's nose in it. TOMMY I owed you one. Dodge wheels on Tommy, exploding. DODGE You lowlife hustler! Who are you to talk? You got into this House through fraud. You think I didn't check up on you? He pulls a piece of paper from the pile at his place. DODGE Ladies and gentlemen, I have here some rather startling revelations about this Mr. Johnson before you. This man is nothing but a con man! A fresh BUZZ from the room. DODGE A common grifter! (consulting paper) He's wanted in three counties for bunco! He's a convicted swindler! Some BOOS. REINHARDT emerges from his hole, encouraged. DODGE (O.S.) A fugitive from justice for card sharping, bookmaking, confidence games -- ON DODGE AND TOMMY DODGE -- and other charges the FBI has only begun to investigate! I dare you to respond! A hush in the room. TOMMY You know what? He's right! But let me tell you something -- all that's nothing, compared to what I pulled here in Washington... and this shit's all legit! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 119. 162 CONTINUED: (3) 162 LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE. Dodge BANGS the gavel repeatedly. DODGE The gentleman is out of order! The gentleman is out of order! This committee is adjourned! GRANDMA leaps to her feet. GRANDMA Stop banging! Stop banging! That man has something to say! Massive APPLAUSE. Dodge is stunned by the enormity of the sentiment against him. TOMMY Adjourned? Fine. Leave. (indicating cameras) Turn your backs on the whole country. That what you want to do, gentlemen? The Members remain in place, paralyzed. TOMMY (to the room) I'm a con man. A small-time con man. Do you know what it was like for me to come to Congress? It was for like dying and going to heaven. If I did back home the kind of scams I've run in Congress, my ass would be in Sing Sing. But no, I'm not a crook -- up here, I'm a distinguished gentleman! 163 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 163 Eli, watching on television. TOMMY (ON TV) Now don't get me wrong. They're not all bums. But boy, do the rotten fish stink up the barrel. Marshall APPLAUDS. The Man in the next bed joins in. 164 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 164 TOMMY Now tell me, people -- while these guys are buying and selling each other, who's standing up for you? (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 120. 164 CONTINUED: 164 TOMMY (CONT'D) I'll tell you who. Nobody! Nobody gets five hundred bucks an hour to lobby for the average Joe! There's no Shnook PAC! There's no National Association for Ordinary Assholes! Sure, everyone's against cancer, but "everyone" doesn't have an office on K Street! (to committee Members) Don't you folks get it? We're supposed to be the people's lobbyists. Congress is supposed to be America's political action committee. APPLAUSE and SHOUTS of support. Several Members on the dais join the applause, seeing a winning issue. CELIA shakes her head in wonder. Tommy goes to Mickey and stands her up on a chair. TOMMY She's right. Throw the bums out -- starting with me! I'm gonna found me a new party. The Don't Vote For Me Party. Any of y'all want to join up? APPLAUSE and CALLS of enthusiasm. TOMMY Well, come on, then! C'mon, get up, we got work to do! The room erupts, electrified, chanting. VOICES Throw the bums out! Throw the bums out! Tommy is engulfed by people and lights. Dodge, Andersen, and O'Connor -- desperate, snarling -- are pinned to the wall by the SHOUTING Press Corps. Loretta AND GRANDMA watch Tommy bask in his new notoriety. LORETTA That Miss Oprah's gonna love his ass. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 121-124. 164 CONTINUED: (2) 164 CELIA arrives where Tommy is standing. She looks at him a beat. Then a big smile. They kiss. CELIA Tommy Johnson. Kamikaze congressman. 165 EXT. CAPITOL STEPS - DAY 165 Tommy and Celia walk down the steps, arm in arm. CELIA I can't wait to see that tape you made. Tommy pulls it from his pocket, glances at it, and tosses it away. TOMMY Why? I bought it this morning. It's blank. As they continue down the steps, CAMERA CRANES UP to WIDE SHOT of the Capitol and the town beyond. FADE OUT. THE END
DO THE RIGHT THING by Spike Lee Second Draft March 1, 1988; Brooklyn, N.Y. Forty Acres and a Mule Filmworks, Inc. YA-DIG SHO-NUFF BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY WGA #45816 "The greatest miracle Christianity has achieved in America is that the black man in white Christian hands has not grown violent. It is a miracle that 22 million black people have not risen up against their oppressors--in which they would have been justified by all moral criteria, and even by the democratic tradition! It is a miracle that a nation of black people has so fervently continued to believe in a turn-the-other-cheek and heaven-for-you-after-you-die philosophy! It is a miracle that the American Black people have remained a peaceful people, while catching all the centuries of hell that they have caught, here in white man's heaven! The miracle is that the white man's puppet Negro 'leaders,' his preachers and the educated Negroes laden with degrees, and others who have been allowed to wax fat off their black poor brothers, have been able to hold the black masses quiet until now." --THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MALCOLM X TITLES--WHITE ON BLACK PLACE Brooklyn, New York CUT TO: TIME Present CUT TO: WEATHER Hot as shit! CUT TO: INT: WE LOVE RADIO STATION STOREFRONT--DAY EXTREME CLOSE UP WE SEE only big white teeth and very Negroidal (big) lips. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Waaaake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Up ya wake! Up ya wake! Up ya wake! CAMERA MOVES BACK SLOWLY TO REVEAL MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY, a DJ, a radio personality, behind a microphone. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY This is Mister Señor Love Daddy. Your voice of choice. The world's only twelve-hour strongman, here on WE LOVE radio, 108 FM. The last on your dial, but the first in ya hearts, and that's the truth, Ruth! The CAMERA, which is STILL PULLING BACK, shows that Mister Señor Love Daddy is actually sitting in a storefront window. The control booth looks directly out onto the street. This is WE LOVE RADIO, a modest station with a loyal following, right in the heart of the neighborhood. The OPENING SHOT will be a TRICK SHOT--the CAMERA PULLING BACK through the storefront window. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Here I am. Am I here? Y'know it. It ya know. This is Mister Señor Love Daddy, doing the nasty to ya ears, ya ears to the nasty. I'se play only da platters dat matter, da matters dat platter and that's the truth, Ruth. He hits the cart machine and we hear a station jingle. VO L-O-V-E RADIO. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Doing da ying and yang da flip and flop da hippy and hoppy (he yodels) Yo da lay he hoo. I have today's forecast. (he screams) HOT! He laughs like a madman. INT: DA MAYOR'S BEDROOM--DAY An old, grizzled man stirs in the bed, his sheets are soaked with sweat. He flings them off his wet body. DA MAYOR Damn, it's hot. INT: JADE'S APARTMENT--DAY CAMERA MOVES IN ON a young man sitting at the edge of a sofa bed. CLOSE UP--HIS SMALL HANDS WE SEE him counting his money. This isn't any ordinary counting of money, he's straightening out all the corners of the bills, arranging them so the bills--actually the "dead presidents"--are facing the same way. This is MOOKIE. Once he's finished with that task, counting his money, he sneaks into his sister's bedroom. INT: JADE'S BEDROOM--DAY CLOSE UP--JADE JADE, Mookie's sister, is fast asleep. Mookie's fingers ENTER THE FRAME and start to play with her lips. Jade pushes his hands away. Mookie waits several beats and he continues. Jade wakes up--mad. JADE Don't you have enough sense not to bother people when they're sleeping? MOOKIE Wake up! JADE Wake up? Saturday is the lone day I get to sleep late. MOOKIE It's gonna be hot today. JADE Good! Leave me alone when I'm sleeping. I'm gonna get a lock on my door, to keep ya ass outta here. MOOKIE Don't ya love ya brother Mookie anymore? I loves ya, Jade. JADE Do me a favor. Go to work. MOOKIE Later. Gotta get paid. He plants a big fat juicy on his sister's forehead. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY A 1975 El Dorado pulls up in front of the neighborhood pizzeria--Sal's Famous Pizzeria. From out of the car comes the owner, SAL, a slightly overweight man in his early fifties, and his two sons, PINO, 22, and VITO, 20. It's time for them to go to work at Sal's Famous Pizzeria in the heart of Black Brooklyn. Sal's sits on the corner of The Block. The Block being where this film on the hottest day of the summer takes place. Pino kicks a beer can in his path into the gutter. SAL Pino, get a broom and sweep out front. PINO Vito, get a broom and sweep out front. VITO See, Pop. That's just what I was talkin' about. Every single time you tell Pino to do something, he gives it to me. PINO He's nuts. SAL The both of youse, shaddup. VITO Tell Pino. PINO Get the broom. VITO I ain't getting shit. SAL Hey! Watch it. PINO I didn't want to come to work anyway. I hate this freakin' place. SAL Can you do better? C'mere. Pino is now silent. Sal walks over to him. SAL Can you do better? (he pops Pino upside the head) I didn't think so. This is a respectable business. Nuthin' wrong with it. Get dat broom. PINO Tell Vito. VITO Pop asked you. SAL I'm gonna kill somebody today. EXT: MOOKIE'S BROWNSTONE--DAY Mookie comes down his stoop and walks to work. EXT: STREET--DAY The Block is beginning to come to life. Those unlucky souls who have to work this Saturday drag themselves to it, and the kids are out on the street to play in the hot sun all day long. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DAY Mookie stops to say hello to MOTHER SISTER. She leans out her window on the parlor floor. In the summertime, the only time when she's not perched in her window is when she's asleep. MOTHER SISTER Good morning, Mookie. MOOKIE Good morning to you. MOTHER SISTER Now, Mookie, don't work too hard today. The man said it's gonna be HOT as the devil. I don't want ya falling out from the heat. You hear me, son? MOOKIE I hear ya, Mother Sister. I hear you. MOTHER SISTER Good. I'll be watching ya, son. Mother Sister always watches. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie enters the pizzeria and Pino is on him before the door closes. PINO Mookie, late again. How many times I gotta tell you? MOOKIE Hello, Sal. Hello, Vito. SAL How ya doin', Mookie? VITO Whaddup? MOOKIE Just coolin'. PINO You're still late. SAL Pino, relax, will ya. PINO Here, take the broom. The front needs sweeping. MOOKIE Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I just got here. You sweep. I betcha Sal asked you first anyhow. VITO That's right. PINO Shaddup, Vito. MOOKIE Fuck dat shit. I deliver pizzas. That's what I get paid for. PINO You get paid to do what we say. MOOKIE What we say. I didn't hear Sal say nuthin'. Pino looks at his father. He wants to be backed up on this; all he gets is an amused look, and a smirk from Vito. PINO Who's working for who? There's a knock on the door and Da Mayor enters. SAL Come on in, Mayor. DA MAYOR Good morning, gentlemens. It's gonna be a scorcher today, that's for sure. Need any work done around here? Sal looks at Pino, who reluctantly gives Da Mayor the broom. DA MAYOR It will be the cleanest sidewalk in Brooklyn. Clean as the Board of Health. Da Mayor almost runs out of the pizzeria in his hurry; soon as he finishes he'll be able to get a bottle. PINO Pop, I don't believe this shit. We runnin' welfare or somethin'? Every day you give dat bum-- MOOKIE Da Mayor ain't no bum. PINO Give dat bum a dollar for sweeping our sidewalk. What do we pay Mookie for? He don't even work. I work harder than him and I'm your own son. MOOKIE Who don't work? Let's see you carry six large pies up six flights of stairs. No elevator either and shit. SAL Both of youse--shaddup. This is a place of business. VITO Tell 'em, Pop. PINO Me and you are gonna have a talk. VITO Sez who? PINO Sez me. SAL Hey! What did I say? MOOKIE Who doesn't work? Don't start no shit, won't be no shit. SAL Mookie, no cursing in the store. MOOKIE Talk to your son. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Da Mayor sweeps the sidewalk, happy as can be. As soon as he finishes he can get that money and get that bottle. EXT: STOOP--DAY A group of youths sit on a stoop, waiting for someone. They are CEE, PUNCHY, and the lone female, ELLA. ELLA What's keeping him? PUNCHY You call him, then. Ella stands up and yells. ELLA Yo, Ahmad! PUNCHY I coulda done dat. ELLA Yo, Ahmad! She looks up into his window, then sits down. ELLA Punchy, if ya want to do some more screaming, be my guest. I'm too through. The door swings open at the top of the stoop and AHMAD appears. AHMAD Who's yelling my name? ELLA Punchy told me to. AHMAD Don't listen to him, it will get ya in trouble. ELLA Heard that, Punchy. Ahmad sits down with them. AHMAD Ella, you have a brain, use it. In the BG, we hear the dum-dum-dum of a giant box. The sound gets louder as the box gets closer. The youths look down the block and see a tall young man coming towards them. He has a very distinct walk, it's more like a bop. This is RADIO RAHEEM. The size of his box is tremendous and one has to think, how does he carry something that big around with him? It must weigh a ton, and it seems like the sidewalk shakes as the rap music blares out. The song we hear is the only one Radio Raheem plays. MEDIUM SHOT--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem stops in front of the group, looks at them, and turns down the volume. It's quiet again. RADIO RAHEEM Peace, y'all. ELLA Peace, Radio Raheem. CEE Peace. 10. PUNCHY You the man, Radio Raheem. AHMAD It's your world. CEE In a big way. Radio Raheem nods and turns up the volume. Way up. AHMAD My people. My people. EXT: WE LOVE STOREFRONT--DAY Radio Raheem waves to Mister Señor Love Daddy as he walks by. INT: WE LOVE CONTROL BOOTH--DAY Mister Señor Love Daddy gives Radio Raheem a clenched-fist salute. EXT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--DAY Da Mayor walks into a newly opened fruit and vegetable deli stand that is owned by Koreans. INT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--DAY Da Mayor is looking for his beer in the refrigerated cases, his ice-cold beer. DA MAYOR Where's the Bud? Where's the Bud? KOREAN CLERK No mo' Bud. You look what we have and buy. DA MAYOR No more Bud. What kind of joint is this? How come no mo' Bud? Doctor, this ain't Korea, China, or wherever you come from. Get some Budweiser in this motherfucker. KOREAN CLERK You buy 'nother beer. 11. DA MAYOR Alright. Alright. Y'know you're asking a lot to make a man change his beer, that's asking a lot, Doctor. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DAY Da Mayor has his can of beer (not Budweiser) and the brown paper bag is twisted into a knot at the bottom. He stops and takes a long swig. MOTHER SISTER You ole drunk. What did I tell ya about drinking in front of my stoop? Move on, you're blocking my view. Da Mayor lowers the can from his mouth and looks up at his heckler. It's obvious from the look on his face he's heard this before. Da Mayor contorts his face and stares at her. MOTHER SISTER You ugly enough. Don't stare at me. Da Mayor changes his face into a more grotesque look. MOTHER SISTER The evil eye doesn't work on me. DA MAYOR Mother Sister, you've been talkin' 'bout me the last eighteen years. What have I ever done to you? MOTHER SISTER You're a drunk fool. DA MAYOR Besides that. Da Mayor don't bother nobody. Nobody don't bother Da Mayor but you. Da Mayor just mind his business. I love everybody. I even love you. MOTHER SISTER Hold your tongue. You don't have that much love. DA MAYOR One day you'll be nice to me. We might both be dead and buried, but you'll be nice. At least civil. 12. Da Mayor tips his beat-up hat to Mother Sister and takes a final swig of beer just for her. INT: TINA'S APARTMENT--DAY An elderly Puerto Rican woman, CARMEN, is telling off her daughter TINA in Spanish. Tina, having heard enough, closes the door on her mother's ranting and raving. ANGLE--TINA Tina bends down and scoops her baby son HECTOR up from the bed and holds him for dear life to her breasts. She talks to her son while walking around the room. TINA Hector, I shouldn't be telling you this but you would find out sooner or later. Ya father ain't no real father. He's a bum, a two-bit bum in a hundred-dollar world. Your father is to the curb. You're smart. I see that look on ya face. You're saying if he's such a bum why am I with him? Good question. Like I said before, you're no dummy. He talked his way into my panties, I thought being a mother would make me happy, make me whole. He's a mistake, but you are not. Tina kisses her son. Tina is seventeen years old, another teenage parent. EXT: STREET CORNER--DAY Every day on this corner, summer or winter, spring or fall, a small group of men meet. They have no steady employment, nothing they can speak of; they do, however, have the gift of gab. These man can talk, talk, and mo' talk, and when a bottle is going round and they're feeling "nice," they get philosophical. These men become the great thinkers of the world, with solutions to all its ills; like drugs, the homeless, and AIDS. They're called the Corner Men: SWEET DICK WILLIE, COCONUT SID, and ML. All three are sitting in folding chairs up against a wall in the shade. ML The way I see it, if this hot weather continues, it will surely melt the polar caps and the whole wide world--the parts that ain't water already--will be flooded. 13. COCONUT SID You a dumb-ass simple motherfucker. Where did you read that? ML Don't worry about it. But when it happens and I'm in my boat and ya black ass is drowning, don't ask me to throw you a lifesaver either. SWEET DICK WILLIE Fool, you're thirty cents away from a quarter. How you gonna get a boat? ML Don't worry about it. SWEET DICK WILLIE You're raggedy as a roach. You eat the holes out of donuts. ML I'll be back on my feet. Soon enough. SWEET DICK WILLIE So when is all this ice suppose to melt? INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Customers are in Sal's; it's lunchtime and it's fairly busy. Sal puts a hot slice down on the counter in front of BUGGIN' OUT, a b-boy. SAL You paying now or on layaway? Buggin' Out looks at the slice. BUGGIN' OUT How much? SAL You come in here at least three times a day. You a retard? A buck fifty. BUGGIN' OUT Damn, Sal, put some more cheese on that motherfucker. 14. SAL Extra cheese is two dollars. Y'know dat. BUGGIN' OUT Two dollars! Forget it! Buggin' Out slams his money down on the counter, takes his slice and sits down. ANGLE--TABLE All around Buggin' Out, peering down from the WALL OF FAME, are signed, framed, eight by ten glossies of famous Italian Americans. WE SEE Joe DiMaggio, Rocky Marciano, Perry Como, Frank Sinatra, Luciano Pavarotti, Liza Minnelli, Governor Mario Cuomo, Al Pacino and, of course, how can we forget Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa: THE ITALIAN STALLION, also RAMBO. CLOSE UP--BUGGIN' OUT He looks at the pictures hovering above him. BUGGIN' OUT Mookie. CLOSE UP--MOOKIE MOOKIE What? CLOSE UP--BUGGIN' OUT BUGGIN' OUT How come you ain't got no brothers up? CLOSE UP--MOOKIE MOOKIE Ask Sal. ANGLE--PIZZERIA BUGGIN' OUT Sal, how come you ain't got no brothers up on the wall here? SAL You want brothers up on the Wall of Fame, you open up your own business, then you can do what you wanna do. My pizzeria, Italian Americans up on the wall. 15. VITO Take it easy, Pop. SAL Don't start on me today. BUGGIN' OUT Sal, that might be fine, you own this, but rarely do I see any Italian Americans eating in here. All I've ever seen is Black folks. So since we spend much money here, we do have some say. SAL You a troublemaker? Pino walks over to Buggin' Out. PINO You making trouble. BUGGIN' OUT Put some brothers up on this Wall of Fame. We want Malcolm X, Angela Davis, Michael Jordan tomorrow. Sal comes from behind the counter with his Louisville Slugger Mickey Mantle model baseball bat. Vito is by his side, but Mookie intercepts them, and takes Buggin' Out outside. SAL Don't come back, either. BUGGIN' OUT Boycott Sal's. Boycott Sal's. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY MOOKIE Buggin' Out, I gotta work here. BUGGIN' OUT I'm cool. I'm cool. MOOKIE Come back in a week, it will be squashed. They give each other five. 16. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie enters. SAL Mookie, if your friends can't behave, they're not welcome. MOOKIE I got no say over people. PINO You talk to 'em. MOOKIE People are free to do what they wanna do. SAL I know, this is America, but I don't want no trouble. EXT: STREET--DAY Mookie walks down the block with pizza box in hand when he sees Da Mayor sitting on his stoop. DA MAYOR Mookie. MOOKIE Gotta go. DA MAYOR C'mere, Doctor. Mookie turns around and goes back. DA MAYOR Doctor, this is Da Mayor talkin'. MOOKIE OK. OK. DA MAYOR Doctor, always try to do the right thing. MOOKIE That's it? DA MAYOR That's it. 17. MOOKIE I got it. INT: TENEMENT BUILDING--DAY Mookie is hiking up a flight of stairs. ANGLE--STAIRCASE He puts the pizza box down and takes a breather. CLOSE UP--MOOKIE Sweat drips off his face. ANGLE--MOOKIE He bends down to pick up the pizza box and tackles the last few flights. CLOSE UP--DOORBELL Mookie pushes the buzzer. ANGLE--DOOR A young Puerto Rican woman opens the door. NILDA I hope it's not cold. Mookie hands her the pizza. MOOKIE No, it's not cold. Twelve dollars for the pie. Nilda hands him a handful of singles. Mookie looks at the crumpled mess. Nilda attempts to close the door, but Mookie's foot says, "Hell no." MOOKIE Hold it. Let me count this first. First he straightens out the dollars, then counts the bills. MOOKIE You're short. NILDA I counted the twelve dollars myself. MOOKIE Twelve is right, but no tip. 18. NILDA No tip. MOOKIE Look, lady. I carried your pizza up five flights of stairs and shit. The cheese didn't slide over to one side like it sometimes does with delivery people who don't care. I do care. May I get paid? Nilda looks at him and sees right away he's not going anywhere. NILDA Wait here. MOOKIE I'll wait. Nilda goes into the apartment and we hear her talking in Spanish to a male. ANGLE--MOOKIE Mookie bends down to tie his sneakers. ANGLE--DOOR Nilda reappears and holds out a lonely lone dollar for him. Mookie has her hold it out for awhile, then he takes it. MOOKIE Gracias mucho. Nilda slams the door. MOOKIE A dollar! Cheap bastard! Your pizza is gonna be fucked next time. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DAY Jade sits down next to Mother Sister on the stoop. MOTHER SISTER Jade, you're late. JADE I know, Mother Sister, but I'm here now. Where's the stuff? Mother Sister hands her a bag that is at her side. 19. MOTHER SISTER Seen your brother, just walked by. Jade unwraps a head scarf from around Mother Sister's head and a full head of long black hair falls to her shoulders. JADE This might take some time. MOTHER SISTER I got nowhere to go. We haven't had a good sit-down for a long while. Jade begins to part, grease, and comb out Mother Sister's hair. MOTHER SISTER Tender-headed runs in my family. You tender-headed? JADE Yeah, me too. MOTHER SISTER That's why I don't fool with it. Only let you touch it...Ouch! JADE Sorry, comb got caught. MOTHER SISTER Be gentle, child. Mother Sister is an old woman. JADE How are you holding up in this weather? MOTHER SISTER I'll do. JADE I don't know why you still haven't bought an air conditioner. MOTHER SISTER Don't like 'em. A fan will do. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor stands in front of the stoop, he's smiling for days. 20. DA MAYOR I didn't know you had such beautiful hair. ANGLE--STOOP MOTHER SISTER Fool, there's a lot in this world you don't know. CLOSE UP--DA MAYOR DA MAYOR I'm not stopping. I'm on my way. The Mayor tips his hat and heads up the block. ANGLE--STOOP JADE You are too cruel to Da Mayor, it isn't right. MOTHER SISTER I'm not studying no Mayor. Besides, he reminds me of my least favorite peoples. My tenants and my ex- husband--Goddamn-bless his soul. They both laugh. MOTHER SISTER Number One: I got some jive, late- rent-paying trifling Negroes in this house. Every year I keep threatening to sell it. JADE And move to Long Island... MOTHER SISTER And move to Long Island. Number Two: my ex-husband lost all my property, all my money in his scheme to build a Black business empire. Needless to say what happened, this house is it, all I got. I'm too through with yar people. CLOSE UP--JADE JADE Whew! 21. She looks up at the white-hot sun. CLOSE UP--MOTHER SISTER She does the same. X CLOSE UP--THE WHITE-HOT SUN HOT, HOTTER AND HOTTEST MONTAGE Right now, folks, we're gonna suspend the narrative and show how people are coping with the oppressive heat. People are taking cold showers. Sticking faces in ice-cold, water-filled sinks. Heads stuck in refrigerators. A wife tells her husband, "Hell no, I'm not cooking. It's too hot. The kitchen is closed." Men downing six-packs of ice-cold brew. Faces stuck directly in front of fans. A young kid cracks an egg on Sal's Cadillac. The moment the egg hits the car hood it starts to cook. The kid looks directly INTO THE CAMERA and smiles, then looks up to see Sal, mad as a motherfucker, chasing after him. And how can I forget the papers, the newspaper headlines. New York Post: "A SCORCHER" New York Daily News: "2 HOT 4 U?" New York Newsday: "OH BOY! BAKED APPLE" New York Times: "RECORD HEATWAVE HITS CITY" EXT: STREET--DAY CLOSE UP--JOHNNY PUMP POW! A powerful gush of water flies out RIGHT AT THE CAMERA. Ahmad has just turned on the johnny pump and the white stream of water flies across the street. This attracts all the people of the block. It's a chance to cool off and momentarily beat the killer heat. ANGLE--CEE AND PUNCHY They both scrape beer cans on the sidewalk. 22. ANGLE--ELLA She stands with caution away from the fire hydrant. Ella does not want to get wet. ANGLE--CEE AND PUNCHY They're still scraping away. ANGLE--STREET Folks, young and old, begin to get in the water and play. ANGLE--CEE AND PUNCHY Both now have cans with the ends scraped away, and go to the johnny pump. Punchy bends down behind the hydrant and places the can over the water. The can now directs the water into giant streams. ANGLE--ELLA Ahmad sneaks up behind Ella and picks her up. She's kicking and screaming furiously. ELLA Ahmad! Put me down! Put me down! I can't get wet! I'm not playing! Ahmad is not having it. He carries a kicking Ella into the middle of the street in direct line of fire. AHMAD Yo! ELLA No! They both are hit with a blast of water and are soaked to the bone. Ella starts to punch Ahmad, and chases after him. ANGLE--STREET We hear the familiar rap music of Radio Raheem's box. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem is too cool. By the way he's dressed, it could be fall, not the hottest day of the year. But you could never tell it from him. He's too cool. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM 23. Raheem looks at Cee, he wants to get by and he doesn't want to get wet either. And if his box gets wet, somebody is gonna die. Cee knows this too. ANGLE--JOHNNY PUMP Cee stands in front of the hydrant, blocking the water so Radio Raheem can pass. ANGLE--RADIO RAHEEM He slowly bops across the street as all eyes watch. When he's clear, Cee moves and the water gushes out again as folks play. ANGLE--STREET We hear a car horn blowing. People move out of the way as the vehicle speeds through the spray. ANGLE--WHITE CONVERTIBLE An older man, CHARLIE, stops his white convertible and blows his horn. CHARLIE I'm not playing. There's gonna be trouble if you fuck around. CLOSE--CEE AND PUNCHY PUNCHY Go 'head. You got it. You got it. CLOSE--CHARLIE CHARLIE This is an expensive car. CLOSE--CEE CEE You won't get wet. ANGLE--HYDRANT Both Punchy and Cee sit in front of the hydrant once again, blocking the water. ANGLE--WHITE CONVERTIBLE The car cautiously eases forward. Charlie doesn't trust Cee and Punchy at all. 24. CLOSE--CHARLIE CHARLIE I'm warning you. CLOSE--CEE AND PUNCHY PUNCHY C'mon. CEE Hurry up. We ain't got all day. ANGLE--STREET The people all move to the car, for they know what is about to happen. ANGLE--HYDRANT Cee and Punchy leap off the hydrant, unleashing a jet blast that flies directly into Charlie's car. The whole block is dying. ANGLE--STREET Charlie pulls his flooded car over to the curb, jumps out, and runs to get hold of Cee and Punchy. Of course, he's slow, as the kids turn into track stars and make like Carl Lewis. ANGLE--STREET Charlie, a wet mess, tries to buy some sympathy from the folks; none is to be bought. CHARLIE I'm fucking soaked. If I ever catch those fucks they'll be sorry. Cocksucking sonabitches! The ranting continues, and people laugh at him. CHARLIE You people make me sick. A cop car screeches to a halt in front of the man. Two officers, LONG and PONTE, get out. CHARLIE Officers, I want an arrest made. Now. 25. OFFICER PONTE What happened? CHARLIE Two Black kids soaked me and my car. It's fucking ruined. OFFICER LONG Where are they? CHARLIE Where are they? What kind of fucking asshole question is that? They ran the fuck away. OFFICER PONTE Do you wish to file a complaint? CHARLIE A complaint. I want those fucks locked under the jail. Officer Long goes into his car and gets a wrench. ANGLE--JOHNNY PUMP Officer Long turns off the hydrant, then puts the cap back on. OFFICER PONTE This hydrant better not come back on or there's gonna be hell to pay. CHARLIE What about my car? I want justice. Officer Long sides up to Da Mayor who's been looking on. OFFICER LONG You know anything about this? Da Mayor is quiet. CHARLIE He knows. He's a witness. They all know. He saw the whole thing. Officer Ponte goes to Da Mayor's other side. OFFICER LONG Who were the punks? DA MAYOR Those who'll tell don't know. Those who know won't tell. 26. OFFICER PONTE A wise guy. Mookie emerges from the crowd and leads Da Mayor away from the interrogation. MOOKIE Let's go, Mayor. OFFICER LONG Keep this hydrant off. You want to swim, go to Coney Island. CHARLIE He's leaving? What about me? OFFICER PONTE I suggest you get in your car quick, before these people start to strip it clean. The man looks at the crowd of Blacks and Puerto Ricans around him and he considers what he just heard. OFFICER LONG Let's go, break it up. Go back to your jobs. OFFICER PONTE What jobs? Both cops laugh. ANGLE--STREET Charlie drives away, fuming. INT: ROOFTOP--DAY Cee and Punchy look down from a roof on all the havoc and confusion they've started. Both laugh. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie enters. SAL Mookie, what took you so long? I got a business to run. MOOKIE Run it then. 27. SAL Here, this goes to the radio station. He gives Mookie a bag full of food. VITO Pop, I'm gonna go with Mookie. SAL Good, make sure he don't jerk around. PINO Yeah, hurry back, it's getting crowded. EXT: STREET--DAY Vito and Mookie walk down the block. VITO Mister Señor Love Daddy is cool. MOOKIE Ya like him, huh? VITO Yeah. MOOKIE Y'know, Vito, I know Pino is ya brother and shit, but the next time he hits ya, the next time he touches ya, you should "house him." Kick his ass. VITO I don't know. MOOKIE If you don't make a stand, he's gonna be beating ya like a egg for the rest of your life. VITO That's what you think? MOOKIE That's what I think. VITO I don't like to fight. 28. MOOKIE Do it this one time and he'll never touch you again. EXT: WE LOVE RADIO--DAY Mookie and Vito wave at Mister Señor Love Daddy through the storefront window and he buzzes them in. OMIT INT: CONTROL BOOTH--DAY Mookie and Vito very quietly walk in; the man is on the air. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Peoples, my stomach's been grumbling but help has arrived. My main man Mookie has saved the day, straight from Sal's Famous Pizzeria, down the block. Come up to the mike, Mookie. Mookie goes to the mike. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY C'mon, don't be shy. Mmm, smells good. This is ya Love Daddy talkin' to ya, starvin' like Marvin. Say something, Mookie. MOOKIE Mister Señor Love Daddy, I'd like to dedicate the next record to my heart, Tina. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Alright. Let me play this record while I go to work on my chicken Parmigiana hero with extra cheese and extra sauce. He hits the cart machine... VO I just looove you so much Mister Señor Love Daddy. WE LOVE RADIO, 108 FM. ...then cues up the record. 29. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Here ya are. (he hands Mookie a twenty-dollar bill) Keep the change. MOOKIE That's right on time. This is my friend, Vito. His pops is Sal. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Tell ya father he makes the best heros in Brooklyn. VITO I'll do that. MOOKIE We're outta here. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Thanks for stopping by. WE LOVE Radio, 108 FM. EXT: STREET--DAY On a stoop, a group of Puerto Ricans sits talking, drinking cerveza frío, and playing dominoes. One of their cars is parked near the stoop, and blasts salsa music. ANGLE--RADIO RAHEEM As usual we hear the rap music of Radio Raheem, but underneath the salsa music. Radio Raheem does not like to be bested; the salsa music from the parked car is giving him competition, this is no good. Radio Raheem stands in front of the stoop and raises his decibel level. ANGLE--STOOP The Puerto Rican men look at him, then begin to yell at him in Spanish. There is a standoff, the rap and salsa clashing in a deafening roar. One of the men, STEVIE, gets off the stoop and goes to the car. ANGLE--CAR Stevie turns the car radio off. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem smiles, nods, turns his box to a reasonable listening level, and bops down the block. Radio Raheem still the loudest. Radio Raheem still the king. 30. STEVIE You got it, bro. ANGLE--STOOP The men curse in Spanish and shake their heads in bewilderment and Stevie turns the salsa back on. EXT: STREET--DAY Vito and Mookie see Buggin' Out on their way back to Sal's. MOOKIE You the man. BUGGIN' OUT You the man. MOOKIE No, you the man. BUGGIN' OUT No. I'm just a struggling Black man trying to keep my dick hard in a cruel and harsh world. Buggin' Out gives Mookie five and a menacing look at Vito. MOOKIE Vito is down. EXT: STREET--DAY Buggin' Out is walking down the block when CLIFTON, a yuppie, accidentally bumps into him, stepping on his new sneakers. CLOSE--BUGGIN' OUT He looks at his sneakers. CLOSE--SNEAKERS There is a big black smudge on his new white unlaced Air Jordans. ANGLE--BUGGIN' OUT He runs down the block after Clifton. BUGGIN' OUT Yo! Clifton turns around. 31. BUGGIN' OUT Yo! CLIFTON Yes? BUGGIN' OUT You almost knocked me down. The word is "excuse me." CLIFTON Excuse me. I'm very sorry. BUGGIN' OUT Not only did you knock me down, you stepped on my new white Air Jordans that I just bought and that's all you can say, "Excuse me?" This commotion has attracted a crowd, including Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella. BUGGIN' OUT I'll fuck you up quick two times. HERE WE GO! BUGGIN' OUT Who told you to step on my sneakers? Who told you to walk on my side of the block? Who told you to be in my neighborhood? CLIFTON I own a brownstone on this block. BUGGIN' OUT Who told you to buy a brownstone on my block, in my neighborhood on my side of the street? The crowd likes that one and they laugh and egg him on. BUGGIN' OUT What do you want to live in a Black neighborhood for? Motherfuck gentrification. CLIFTON I'm under the assumption that this is a free country and one can live where he pleases. 32. BUGGIN' OUT A free country? AWWW SHIT! Why did he get Buggin' started? BUGGIN' OUT I should fuck you up just for that stupid shit alone. Buggin' Out looks down at his marred Air Jordans. The crowd, smelling blood, wants to see some. AHMAD Your Jordans are dogged. CEE You might as well throw 'em out. PUNCHY They looked good before he messed them up. ELLA You used to be so fine. AHMAD How much did you pay for them? CEE A hundred bucks. AHMAD A hundred bucks! BUGGIN' OUT You're lucky the Black man has a loving heart. Next time you see me coming, cross the street quick. AHMAD He's dissing you. BUGGIN' OUT Damn, my brand-new Jordans. You should buy me another pair. CLIFTON I'm gonna leave now. BUGGIN' OUT If I wasn't a righteous Black man you'd be in serious trouble. SERIOUS. 33. The crowd gives their approval. BUGGIN' OUT Move back to Connecticut. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie and Vito enter the shop. SAL I should have Vito go with you all the time. PINO Yeah, no more ninety-minute deliveries around the corner. MOOKIE Pino, I work hard like everybody in here. VITO He's right. PINO C'mere. (Pino smacks his brother) Don't get too friendly with da Mook. SAL That's gonna be the last time you hit Vito. MOOKIE Smack him back. PINO What? MOOKIE Remember what I said. Vito stands frozen in front of his brother. PINO Are you gonna listen to this Mook? Listen to him tell you to smack me? Your only brother? Vito walks away and Mookie is disgusted. PINO I didn't think so. 34. EXT: STREET--DAY Officers Ponte and Long drive down the block and at the corner they stop, glare at the Corner Men. CLOSE--OFFICER PONTE CLOSE--SWEET DICK WILLIE CLOSE--OFFICER LONG CLOSE--COCONUT SID ANGLE--POLICE CAR OFFICER PONTE What a waste. ANGLE--CORNER Sweet Dick, ML, and Coconut Sid stare right back at the cops. ANGLE--POLICE CAR It drives off. ANGLE--CORNER COCONUT SID As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted by the finest. ML What was you saying? Coconut Sid blanks. SWEET DICK WILLIE Motherfucker wasn't saying shit. ML Look at that. COCONUT SID Look at what? ML points across the street to the Korean fruit and vegetable stand. ML It's a fucking shame. SWEET DICK WILLIE What is? 35. ML Sweet Dick Willie. SWEET DICK WILLIE That's my name. ML Do I have to spell it out? COCONUT SID Make it plain. ML OK, but listen up. I'm gonna break it down. SWEET DICK WILLIE Let it be broke. ML Can ya dig it? SWEET DICK WILLIE It's dug. CLOSE--ML ML Look at those Korean motherfuckers across the street. I betcha they haven't been a year off da motherfucking boat before they opened up their own place. CLOSE--COCONUT SID COCONUT SID It's been about a year. CLOSE--ML ML A motherfucking year off the motherfucking boat and got a good business in our neighborhood occupying a building that had been boarded up for longer than I care to remember and I've been here a long time. CLOSE--SWEET DICK WILLIE SWEET DICK WILLIE It has been a long time. 36. CLOSE--COCONUT SID COCONUT SID How long? CLOSE--ML ML Too long! Too long. Now for the life of me, I haven't been able to figger this out. Either dem Koreans are geniuses or we Blacks are dumb. This is truly a stupefying question and all three are silent. What is the answer? COCONUT SID It's gotta be cuz we're Black. No other explanation, nobody don't want the Black man to be about shit. SWEET DICK WILLIE Old excuse. ML I'll be one happy fool to see us have our own business right here. Yes, sir. I'd be the first in line to spend the little money I got. Sweet Dick Willie gets up from his folding chair. SWEET DICK WILLIE It's Miller time. Let me go give these Koreans s'more business. ML It's a motherfucking shame. COCONUT SID Ain't that a bitch. EXT: STOOP--DAY Da Mayor sits on his stoop and a kid, EDDIE, runs by. DA MAYOR Sonny! Sonny! Eddie stops. DA MAYOR Doctor, what's your name? 37. EDDIE Eddie Lovell. DA MAYOR How old are you? EDDIE Ten. DA MAYOR What makes Sammy run? EDDIE My name is Eddie. DA MAYOR What makes Sammy run? EDDIE I said my name is Eddie Lovell. DA MAYOR Relax, Eddie, I want you to go to the corner store. How much will it cost me? EDDIE How would I know how much it's gonna cost if I don't know what I'm buying? DA MAYOR Eddie, you're too smart for your own britches. Listen to me. How much do you want to run to the store for Da Mayor? EDDIE Fifty cents. DA MAYOR You got a deal. He gives Eddie some money. DA MAYOR Git me a quart of beer, Budweiser, say it's for your father, if they bother you. Eddie runs down the block just as Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella pass him. 38. AHMAD Who told him he was Da Mayor of this block? CEE He's self-appointed. ELLA Leave him alone. PUNCHY Shut up. DA MAYOR Go on now. Leave me be. AHMAD You walk up and down this block like you own it. CEE Da Mayor. PUNCHY You're old. AHMAD A old drunk bum. Da Mayor stands up from his seat cushion on the stoop. AHMAD What do you have to say? DA MAYOR What do you know 'bout me? Y'all can't even pee straight. What do you know? Until you have stood in the doorway and heard the hunger of your five children, unable to do a damn thing about it, you don't know shit. You don't know my pain, you don't know me. Don't call me a bum, don't call me a drunk, you don't know me, and it's disrespectful. I know your parents raised you better. The teenagers look at Da Mayor. ELLA He told you off. Da Mayor sits back down on his seat cushion on his stoop. 39. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY ANGLE--PAY PHONE ON WALL Mookie is on the phone. MOOKIE I know I haven't seen you in four days. I'm a working man. TINA (VO) I work too, but I still make time. MOOKIE Tina, what do you want me to do? TINA (VO) I want you to spend some time with me. I want you to try and make this relationship work. If not, I'd rather not be bothered. MOOKIE Alright. Alright. I'll be over there sometime today. TINA (VO) When? MOOKIE Before I get off work. TINA (VO) Bring some ice cream, I'm burning up. Do you love me? MOOKIE Do I love you? CLOSE--SAL SAL Mookie, get offa da phone. CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE Be off in a second. Tina, I dedicated a record on Mister Señor Love Daddy's show to you. TINA (VO) Big deal. 40. CLOSE--SAL SAL Mookie! How is anybody gonna call in? CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE Big deal? If that's not LOVE, I don't know what is. CLOSE--PINO PINO You deaf or what? CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE Gotta go. See ya soon. (he hangs up) Everybody happy now? The phone rings right away and Pino picks it up. ANGLE--PINO PINO Sal's Famous Pizzeria, yeah, two large pizzas, pepperoni and anchovies, hold on... See, Pop, Mookie fucking talking on the phone and people are trying to call in orders. He's making us lose business. CLOSE--SAL SAL Mookie, you're fucking up. PINO Twenty minutes. (he hangs up the phone) How come you niggers are so stupid? CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE If ya see a nigger here, kick his ass. CLOSE--PINO 41. PINO Fuck you and stay off the phone. CLOSE--VITO VITO Forget it, Mookie. ANGLE--PIZZERIA MOOKIE Who's your favorite basketball player? PINO Magic Johnson. MOOKIE And not Larry Bird? Who's your favorite movie star? PINO Eddie Murphy. Mookie is smiling now. MOOKIE Last question: Who's your favorite rock star? Pino doesn't answer, because he sees the trap he's already fallen into. MOOKIE Barry Manilow? Mookie and Vito laugh. MOOKIE Pino, no joke. C'mon, answer. VITO It's Prince. He's a Prince freak. PINO Shut up. The Boss! Bruuucce!!!! MOOKIE Sounds funny to me. As much as you say nigger this and nigger that, all your favorite people are "niggers." 42. PINO It's different. Magic, Eddie, Prince are not niggers, I mean, are not Black. I mean, they're Black but not really Black. They're more than Black. It's different. With each word Pino is hanging himself even further. MOOKIE Pino, I think secretly that you wish you were Black. That's what I think. Vito, what do you say? PINO Y'know, I've been listening and reading 'bout Farrakhan, ya didn't know that, did you? MOOKIE I didn't know you could read. PINO Fuck you. Anyway, Minister Farrakhan always talks about the so-called "day" when the Black man will rise. "We will one day rule the earth as we did in our glorious past." You really believe that shit? MOOKIE It's e-vit-able. PINO Keep dreaming. MOOKIE Fuck you, fuck pizza, and fuck Frank Sinatra, too. PINO Well, fuck you, too, and fuck Michael Jordan. CUT TO: RACIAL SLUR MONTAGE The following will be a QUICK-CUTTING MONTAGE of racial slurs, with different ethnic groups pointing the finger at one another. Each person looks directly INTO THE CAMERA. CLOSE--MOOKIE 43. MOOKIE Dago, wop, garlic-breath, guinea, pizza-slinging, spaghetti-bending, Vic Damone, Perry Como, Luciano Pavarotti, Sole Mio, nonsinging motherfucker. CUT TO: CLOSE--PINO PINO You gold-teeth, gold-chain-wearing, fried-chicken-and-biscuit-eatin', monkey, ape, baboon, big thigh, fast-running, three-hundred-sixty- degree-basketball-dunking spade Moulan Yan. CUT TO: CLOSE--STEVIE STEVIE You slant-eyed, me-no-speak- American, own every fruit and vegetable stand in New York, Reverend Moon, Summer Olympics '88, Korean kick-boxing bastard. CUT TO: CLOSE--OFFICER LONG OFFICER LONG Goya bean-eating, fifteen in a car, thirty in an apartment, pointed shoes, red-wearing, Menudo, meda- meda Puerto Rican cocksucker. CUT TO: CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK It's cheap, I got a good price for you, Mayor Koch, "How I'm doing," chocolate-egg-cream-drinking, bagel and lox, B'nai B'rith asshole. CUT TO: 44. INT: WE LOVE RADIO STATION CONTROL ROOM--DAY CLOSE--MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Yo! Hold up! Time out! Time out! Y'all take a chill. Ya need to cool that shit out... and that's the truth, Ruth. CUT TO: CLOSE--WHITE-HOT SUN INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie picks up his two pizza pies for delivery. MOOKIE Sal, can you do me a favor? SAL Depends. MOOKIE Can you pay me now? SAL Can't do. MOOKIE Sal, just this once, do me that solid. SAL You know you don't get paid till we close tonight. We're still open. MOOKIE I would like to get paid now. SAL Tonight, when we close. Mookie leaves. EXT: STREET--DAY Mookie walks down the block. The streets are filled with kids playing. WE SEE stoop ball, double dutch, hand games, bike-riding, skateboarding, etc. ANGLE--MOOKIE 45. Radio Raheem approaches Mookie. MOOKIE Whaddup. Money? RADIO RAHEEM I was going to buy a slice. MOOKIE I'll be back after I make this delivery. RADIO RAHEEM On the rebound. Mookie stares at the gold "brass knuckles" rings Radio Raheem wears on each hand. Spelled out across the rings are the words "LOVE" on the right hand and "HATE" on the left hand. MOOKIE That's the dope. RADIO RAHEEM I just copped them. Let me tell you the story of Right-Hand--Left- Hand--the tale of Good and Evil. MOOKIE I'm listening. RADIO RAHEEM HATE! He thrusts up his left hand. RADIO RAHEEM It was with this hand that Brother Cain iced his brother. LOVE! He thrusts up his right hand. RADIO RAHEEM See these fingers, they lead straight to the soul of man. The right hand. The hand of LOVE! Mookie is buggin'. RADIO RAHEEM The story of Life is this... He locks his fingers and writhes, cracking the joints. 46. RADIO RAHEEM STATIC! One hand is always fighting the other. Left Hand Hate is kicking much ass and it looks like Right Hand Love is finished. Hold up. Stop the presses! Love is coming back, yes, it's Love. Love has won. Left Hand Hate KO'ed by Love. Mookie doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. RADIO RAHEEM Brother, Mookie, if I love you I love you, but if I hate you... MOOKIE I understand. RADIO RAHEEM I love you, my brother. MOOKIE I love you, Black. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Radio Raheem enters Sal's with music blaring. RADIO RAHEEM Two slices. SAL No service till you turn dat shit off. RADIO RAHEEM Two slices. PINO Turn it off. SAL Mister Radio Raheem, I can't even hear myself think. You are disturbing me and you are disturbing my customers. Sal grabs his Mickey Mantle bat from underneath the counter. Everyone, Sal, Vito, Pino, Radio Raheem, and the customers are poised for something to jump off, STATIC. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM 47. He smiles and turns off the beat. RADIO RAHEEM Two slices, extra cheese. CLOSE--SAL Sal puts Mickey Mantle back into its place. SAL When you come in Sal's Famous Pizzeria, no music. No rap, no music. Capisce? Understand?... This is a place of business. Extra cheese is two dollars. INT: TENEMENT HALLWAY--DAY Mookie hands the pizzas over and takes the money and counts it. MOOKIE Thanks. EXT: STREET--DAY Mookie walks, says hello to the people he knows. EXT: STOOP--DAY Mookie runs up stoop. INT: MOOKIE'S APARTMENT--DAY We hear a key in the door, the lock turns and Mookie enters. MOOKIE Jade. JADE (OS) I'm in here. INT: JADE'S BEDROOM--DAY Jade sits in a chair directly in front of an air conditioner going full blast. JADE How come you're not at Sal's? MOOKIE I'm working. 48. JADE Is this another one of your patented two-hour lunches? MOOKIE I just come home to take a quick shower. JADE Sal's gonna be mad. MOOKIE Later for Sal. Y'know, sometimes I think you're more concerned with him than me. JADE I think no such a thing. Sal pays you, you should work. MOOKIE Slavery days are over. My name ain't Kunta Kinte. Sis, I don't want to argue, stop pressing me. JADE I just don't want you to lose the one job you've been able to keep, that's all. I'm carrying you as it is. MOOKIE Don't worry 'bout me. I always get paid. JADE Yeah, then ya should take better care of your responsibilities. MOOKIE What responsibilities? JADE I didn't stutter. Take care of your responsibilities. Y'know exactly what I'm talking about. INT: BATHROOM--DAY Mookie turns on the shower and screams; the water is ice cold. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DAY Mother Sister sits in her window looking out at the block. 49. EXT: DA MAYOR'S STOOP--DAY Da Mayor has fallen asleep sitting on his stoop. His hands loosely hold a brown paper bag that is tightly twisted around a beer can. EXT: CORNER--DAY Sweet Dick, ML, and Coconut Sid each hold an umbrella for protection from the hot and harsh rays. EXT: FIRE ESCAPE--DAY Ahmad, Punchy, Cee, and Ella sit on a fire escape, trying to keep still, trying to find a cool spot in the shade. No one says a word. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Sal takes a seat at one of the tables. SAL I'm beat. Pino sits down next to his father. PINO Pop, I think we should sell this place, get outta here while we're still ahead...and alive. SAL Since when do you know what's best for us? PINO Couldn't we sell this and open up a new one in our own neighborhood? SAL Too many pizzerias already there. PINO Then we could try something else. SAL We don't know nuthin' else. PINO I'm sick of niggers, it's a bad neighborhood. I don't like being around them, they're animals. 50. VITO Some are OK. PINO My friends laugh at me all the time, laugh right in my face, tell me go feed the Moulies. SAL Do your friends put money in your pocket? Pay your rent? Food on ya plate? Pino is quiet. SAL I didn't think so. PINO Pop, what else can I say? I don't wanna be here, they don't want us here. We should stay in our own neighborhood, stay in Bensonhurst. SAL So what if this is a Black neighborhood, so what if we're a minority. I've never had no trouble with dese people, don't want none either, so don't start none. This is America. Sal's Famous Pizzeria is here for good. You think you know it all? Well, you don't. I'm your father, you better remember that. INT: BATHROOM--DAY Mookie pulls the shower curtain back and steps out. INT: MOOKIE'S ROOM--DAY Mookie sits on his bed, still wet. ANGLE--JADE JADE Hurry up and get dressed. MOOKIE I'm coming. JADE I'm going with you. 51. BUGGIN' OUT BOYCOTT MONTAGE EXT: STREET--DAY BUGGIN' OUT Da Mayor, we need your leadership. DA MAYOR Doctor, what are you talkin' bout? BUGGIN' OUT I'm organizing a boycott of Sal's Famous Pizzeria. DA MAYOR Keep walkin', Doctor. I don't want to hear none of your foolishness. CUT TO: CLOSE--CORNER MEN ML No! COCONUT SID No! SWEET DICK WILLIE Hell no! Goddamnit. Sal ain't never done me no harm. You either. CUT TO: CLOSE--BUGGIN' OUT BUGGIN' OUT Would you like to sign a petition to boycott Sal's Famous Pizzeria. CUT TO: CLOSE--AHMAD, CEE, PUNCHY, and ELLA They DOG him out (ADLIB) CUT TO: CLOSE--BUGGIN' OUT BUGGIN' OUT I'll do it without your help. 52. EXT: WE LOVE RADIO--DAY Buggin' Out waves at Mister Señor Love Daddy as he walks by the storefront. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Buggin' Out sticks his head in and yells: BUGGIN' OUT Sal, we're gonna boycott ya fat ass. Before Sal and his two sons can answer, Buggin' Out is gone. EXT: STREET--DAY Buggin' Out has one foot up on a fire hydrant and tries to clean his soiled Air Jordan. ANGLE--JADE AND MOOKIE Jade and Mookie walk up to Buggin' Out. BUGGIN' OUT It's so nice to see a family hanging out together. MOOKIE We're not hanging out. I'm being escorted back to work. JADE That's not even true. I just want a slice. BUGGIN' OUT Jade, you don't know this, but I'm organizing a boycott of Sal's Famous Pizzeria. JADE What did he do this time? BUGGIN' OUT Y'know all those pictures he has hanging on the Wall of Fame? JADE So? BUGGIN' OUT Have you noticed something about them? 53. JADE No. MOOKIE (interjects) Yo, I'm gone. JADE I'll see ya there. BUGGIN' OUT Peace. Mookie leaves. BUGGIN' OUT Every single one of those pictures is somebody Italian. JADE And? BUGGIN' OUT And I--we--want some Black people up. JADE Did you ask Sal? BUGGIN' OUT Yeah, I asked him. I don't want nobody in there, nobody spending good money in Sal's. He should get no mo' money from the community till he puts some Black faces up on that motherfucking wall. Jade looks at Buggin' Out like "Are you serious?" JADE Buggin' Out, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you can really direct your energies in a more useful way. BUGGIN' OUT So, in other words, you are not down. JADE I'm down, but for a worthwhile cause. BUGGIN' OUT Jade, I still love you. 54. JADE I still love you too. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY SAL Mookie, you are pushing it. You're really pushing it. I'm not paying you good money to fucking jerk me around. Mookie has nothing to say. SAL You're gonna be in the street with the rest of your homeboys. PINO 'Bout time, Pop. ANGLE--DOOR Jade enters, and Sal looks up. He stops blasting Mookie and a very noticeable change comes over him. SAL Jade, we've been wondering when ya would pay us a visit. JADE Hi, Sal, Pino, Vito. JADE What's happening, Jade? JADE Nuthin' really. How are you treating my brother? SAL The Mook? Great. Mookie's a good kid. PINO Pop, stop lying. SAL Shaddup! Jade, what can I fix you? JADE What's good? 55. SAL Everything, but for you I'm gonna make up something special. Take a seat. There, that's a clean table. Sal moves behind the counter and goes to work. Pino and Mookie look at each other in agreement, neither likes what he has seen. This happens to Sal every time Jade is in Sal's Famous Pizzeria. ANGLE--TABLE Vito sits down with Jade. JADE You still letting Pino push you around? VITO Who told you that? He doesn't push me, who told you, Mookie tell you that? I hold my own. JADE Forget about it, Vito. Forget I even brought it up. VITO Pino picks on me, but I don't let him push me around. Mookie tell you that? JADE Alright already. EXT: ROOFTOP--DUSK The once white-hot sun is now turning into a golden orange glaze as it begins to set. Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella dance on the roof around a box that is turned into WE LOVE. Each one is trying to come up with some new moves, a new dance, and a name for it. EXT: STREET--DUSK Radio Raheem is walking down the block and there is something wrong, something is not quite right. AHA! His music is not loud; the rap song begins to drag and finally stops altogether. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM He looks at his box and presses the battery level indicator. 56. CLOSE--BATTERY LEVEL INDICATOR The needle doesn't move. His batteries have had it. INT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--DUSK CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM RADIO RAHEEM Twenty "D" Duracells. CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK Twenty "C" Duracells. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM RADIO RAHEEM D, not C. CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK C Duracell. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM RADIO RAHEEM D! D! D! You dumb motherfucker. Learn how to speak English first. D. Radio Raheem points to the D batteries behind the counter. CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK How many you say? CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM RADIO RAHEEM Twenty! Motherfucker! Twenty! CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK Motherfucker you. Radio Raheem has to laugh at that one. 57. RADIO RAHEEM Motherfucker you. You're alright. You're alright. Just gimme my twenty Duracells, please. EXT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--DUSK Da Mayor is looking at a bunch of cut flowers when Radio Raheem comes out with batteries in hand--finally. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DUSK ANGLE--WINDOW Mother Sister is sitting in her window as usual. ANGLE--STOOP Da Mayor walks up the stoop with a bunch of fresh-cut flowers in a discarded wine bottle for a vase. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor holds them out for Mother Sister, who does not acknowledge him at all. DA MAYOR I'd thought you might like these... I guess not. Da Mayor takes a seat on the stoop and puts the flowers to his face. DA MAYOR Ain't nuthin' like the smell of fresh flowers. Don't you agree, Miss Mother Sister? Mother Sister does not answer. He puts the flowers down. DA MAYOR Summertime, all ya can smell is the garbage. Stink overpowers everything, especially soft sweet smells like flowers. He looks up at Mother Sister who immediately turns away. DA MAYOR If you don't mind, I'm gonna set right here, catch a breeze or two, then be on my way. Da Mayor looks up at the setting sun. 58. DA MAYOR Thank the Lord, the sun is going down, it's hot as blazes. Yes Jesus. CLOSE--SUN The sun is an orange and purple glaze. EXT: STREET--DUSK Radio Raheem is back in action. He's alive, he's bad and he got his twenty "D" Duracell batteries, his box is kicking. ANGLE--CORNER Radio Raheem bops by Coconut Sid, ML, and Sweet Dick Willie. CLOSE--COCONUT SID, ML, and SWEET DICK WILLIE All three shake their heads in bewilderment as Radio Raheem goes by. ML What can you say? COCONUT SID I don't know how he does it. Sweet Dick Willie gets up from his chair and goes to the corner, zips down his pants, and urinates. SWEET DICK WILLIE ML? ML What? SWEET DICK WILLIE ML, hold this for me. Sweet Dick Willie and Coconut Sid laugh. ML That's OK. At least my moms didn't name me Sweet Dick Willie. Sweet Dick Willie zips up his pants and returns to his seat. SWEET DICK WILLIE Why you gotta talk 'bout my moms? ML Nobody talkin' 'bout ya moms. 59. SWEET DICK WILLIE I didn't say nobody, I said you. ML Sweet Dick, I didn't mean it like that. SWEET DICK WILLIE Yes you did. COCONUT SID Squash it. ML I just wanted to know who named ya Sweet Dick Willie? SWEET DICK WILLIE It's just a name. COCONUT SID And what does ML stand for? ML ML stands for ML. That's it. SWEET DICK WILLIE Naw, that's some stupid shit. Now you know how I got that name. ML Negroes kill me, always holdin' onto, talkin' 'bout their dicks. COCONUT SID I don't know 'bout you, but it's too hot to fuck. SWEET DICK WILLIE Never too hot, never too cold for fucking. EXT: STREET--DUSK An old Puerto Rican man rings a bell as he pushes a cart on wheels. On the side of the cart is hand-lettered HELADO DE COCO, and a big block of ice rests on top surrounded by different colored bottles of flavors. ANGLE--CART A group of kids eagerly waits for the ices. The man scrapes the block of ice, puts the shavings in a paper cup, and drowns it with syrup. 60. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor is walking down the street. ANGLE--MISTER SOFTEE TRUCK We hear the familiar tune from the Mister Softee truck as it comes down the street. ANGLE--EDDIE LOVELL Eddie, the young kid who earlier ran an errand for Da Mayor, looks up from the sidewalk where he's playing and runs out into the street in pursuit of Mister Softee. EDDIE Ice cream. Ice cream. Eddie is running in pursuit of the truck, unaware of the oncoming speeding car. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor sees speeding car bearing down on Eddie. ANGLE--STREET Da Mayor runs across the street and knocks Eddie down, out of the way of the car. Both are thrown as they are hit by the reckless driver. CLOSE--EDDIE AND DA MAYOR Eddie is crying as Da Mayor picks him up. DA MAYOR Doctor, you know better to run out in the street... Stop crying, son. ANGLE--STREET A crowd gathers. DA MAYOR Doctor, there's nothing to cry about. You're OK. A woman in her twenties, LOUISE, Eddie's mother, breaks through the crowd and hugs her baby. LOUISE What's wrong? 61. EDDIE Mayor knocked me down. LOUISE You should be ashamed of yourself. DA MAYOR Ma'am, the boy is just scared to death. What actually happened is that I was minding my business when I saw your son about to be run over. I ran into the street to save him and I had to knock him down to keep the both of us from getting hit. The crowd agrees "That's the way it happened," and Louise stands up. LOUISE Eddie, is that the truth? Eddie is quiet. LOUISE Eddie, you hear me talkin' to you? Eddie is still mum. LOUISE I'm talkin' to you, boy. DA MAYOR Miss, the boy is fine. WHAP! Louise hits Eddie on da butt. Eddie starts to dance, as his mother hits hard; she's heavy-handed. LOUISE What I tell you 'bout lying? WHOP! LOUISE What did I tell you 'bout playing in the street? WHAP! EDDIE Mommy! Mommy! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. WHOP! 62. LOUISE Get upstairs now. Eddie runs away. LOUISE And when your father comes home, he's gonna wear ya little narrow behind out too. DA MAYOR You didn't have to hit your son; he's scared to death as it was. LOUISE I appreciate ya helping my Eddie. I truly do, but I'll have nobody question how I raise him, not even his Daddy. DA MAYOR You're right. Louise goes away, probably to give her son another "whooping." Da Mayor tips his hat to her. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DUSK Sal sits at a table talking to Jade as she finishes her "special" slice. JADE Sal, that was delicious. SAL Anytime. Vito, Pino, and Mookie look on, watching Sal have the time of his life. JADE Thanks. Jade gets up and Mookie helps her. MOOKIE I'll see you out. JADE See ya around. SAL Don't wait too long to come back. 63. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DUSK Mookie takes Jade by the hand and pulls her out of view from Sal. ANGLE--MOOKIE AND JADE MOOKIE Jade, I don't want you coming in here no mo'. JADE Stop tripping. MOOKIE No, you're tripping. Don't come in Sal's. Alright, read my lips. JADE What are you so worked up about? MOOKIE Over Sal, the way he talks and the way he looks at you. JADE He's just being nice. MOOKIE Nice! JADE He's completely innocent. MOOKIE Innocent! JADE I didn't stutter. You heard me. MOOKIE You should see the way he looks at you. All Sal wants to do is hide the salami. JADE You are too crude. MOOKIE I might be, but you're not welcome here. 64. JADE Stop trying to play big brother. I'm a grown woman. You gotta lotta nerve. Mookie, you can hardly pay your rent and you're gonna tell me what to do. Come off it. MOOKIE One has nuthin' to do with the other. JADE Oh, it doesn't, huh! You got your little 250 dollars a week plus tips... MOOKIE I'm getting paid... JADE ...peanuts. MOOKIE Pretty soon I'll be making a move. JADE I truly hope so. I'm tired of supporting a grown man. INT: CONTROL BOOTH--DUSK CLOSE--MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY As the evening slowly falls upon us living here in Brooklyn, New York, this is ya Love Daddy rappin' to you. Right now we're gonna open up the Love Lines. Hello, you're on Love Daddy's Love Line. No names, please. Let's keep it anonymous. FEMALE VOICE #1 (VO) Hi, Mister Señor Love Daddy. I'd kiss your feet every morning, that's how much I love you. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY How nice of you. FEMALE VOICE #2 (VO) I think you have the sexiest voice in the world. All you have to do is talk. 65. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Love Line, you're on. FEMALE VOICE #3 (VO) You give me fever. (she moans) MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY She's feeling it. FEMALE VOICE #4 (VO) Love Daddy, I'd work in Mickey D's 24, 7, and 365 just to call you my own. Give you all my money, honey. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY That was the last call for tonight on Mister Señor Love Daddy's Love Line. I love you. You I love. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--NIGHT Da Mayor is walking by Mother Sister in her window when she calls him. CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER MOTHER SISTER Mister Mayor, I saw what you did. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor stops and looks at her. A smile comes to his face; after eighteen years has he finally broken down her defenses? CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER MOTHER SISTER That was a foolish act, but it was brave. That chile owes you his life. CLOSE--DA MAYOR DA MAYOR I wasn't trying to be a hero. I saw what was about to happen and I reacted, didn't even think. If I did, I might not have done it in second thought. Da Mayor is an old man, haven't run that fast in years. (MORE) 66. DA MAYOR (CONT'D) I went from first to home on a bunt single, scored the winning run, the bottom of the ninth, two out, August 1, 1939, Snow Hill, Alabama. (he is warming up now) Maybe I should be heroic more often. CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER MOTHER SISTER Maybe you shouldn't. Don't get happy. This changes nothing between you and me. You did a good thing and Mother Sister wanted to thank you for it. ANGLE--STOOP DA MAYOR I thank you. MOTHER SISTER You're welcome. Da Mayor tips his hat. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Mookie enters. MOOKIE Sal, I don't care if you fire me this exact minute, leave my sister alone. SAL Mookie, I don't know what you're talking about, plus I don't want to hear it. MOOKIE Sal, just do me a favor, leave Jade alone. SAL Here, you gotta delivery. Mookie takes the pie and looks at the address. MOOKIE Is this the right name and address? 67. SAL Yeah, do you know 'em? MOOKIE No, just checking. INT: HALLWAY--NIGHT Mookie rings the bell and a fine Puerto Rican sister answers the door. MOOKIE Delivery from Sal's Famous Pizzeria. TINA What took you so long? Is it hot? MOOKIE Hot. Hot. TINA Come in then. INT: TINA'S APARTMENT--NIGHT Tina watches Mookie watch her. When she's through watching, she takes the pizza from his hands and puts it on the floor. Mookie grabs her and starts to kiss. Tina is Mookie's woman, the one he's been on the phone with earlier. We've heard the voice and now SEE the person. MOOKIE Tina, you are too slick. TINA How else was I going to get you here? I haven't seen you in a week. MOOKIE I've been working hard, getting paid. TINA Where's the ice cream? The Häagen- Dazs butter pecan? MOOKIE Shit! I forgot. TINA Your memory is really getting bad. MOOKIE I just forgot. 68. TINA And I really wanted some ice cream too. MOOKIE I can run out and get it. TINA No! No! You won't come back either. MOOKIE I can't be staying long anyway. TINA How long then? MOOKIE Long enough for us to do the nasty. TINA That's out. No! It's too hot! You think I'm gonna let you get some, put on your clothes, then run outta here and never see you again in who knows when? MOOKIE A quickie is good every once in a blue moon. TINA You a blue-moon fool. MOOKIE Then we'll do something else. TINA What else? MOOKIE Trust me. TINA Trust you? Because of trusting you we have a son. Remember your son? MOOKIE Trust me. Mookie pushes Tina back into her bedroom. 69. INT: TINA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT Mookie sits Tina down on her futon bed, turns off the lights, and turns on WE LOVE RADIO as Mister Señor Love Daddy serenades them with slow jams. MOOKIE I'm gonna take off ya clothes. TINA Mookie, I told you already it's too fucking hot to make love. MOOKIE Why you gotta curse? TINA I'm sorry, but no rawness is jumping off tonight. MOOKIE No rawness. He laughs his sinister laugh. ANGLE--MOOKIE AND TINA Mookie unsnaps her bra, then pulls her panties off. Tina is naked as a jaybird. MOOKIE Tina, you're sweating. TINA Of course I'm sweating. I'm burning up. It's hot, moron, only a hundred degrees in here. MOOKIE Lie down, please. He gets up. INT: TINA'S KITCHEN Mookie walks into the kitchen and sees CARMEN, Tina's mother, fixing some food on the stove. MOOKIE Hello, Mrs. Rampolla. Carmen stares at him, it's a look that would definitely stop traffic, she mutters some Spanish and goes into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. 70. ANGLE--MOOKIE He opens the refrigerator and takes out all the trays of ice. INT: TINA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT Mookie sits down on the bed with a bowl filled with ice cubes. CLOSE--TINA'S FOREHEAD Mookie rubs an ice cube on her forehead. TINA It's cold. MOOKIE It's 'pose to be cold. TINA Later for you. MOOKIE Meda. Meda. TINA What? MOOKIE Tina, you don't have a forehead, you got a eight-head. CLOSE--TINA'S NECK Mookie rubs an ice cube on her neck. CLOSE--TINA'S LIPS Mookie rubs an ice cube on her full moist lips, then puts it in her mouth. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY (VO) Yes, children, this is the Cool Out Corner. We're slowing it down for all the lovers in the house. I'll be giving you all the help you need, musically, that is. CLOSE--TINA'S THIGHS He rubs an ice cube up and down her thighs. MOOKIE (VO) Thank God for thighs. 71. CLOSE--TINA'S BUTTOCKS He rubs an ice cube on her round, firm buttocks. MOOKIE (VO) Thank God for buttocks. CLOSE--TINA'S BREAST He rubs an ice cube on her breast. MOOKIE (VO) Thank God for the right nipple... Thank God for the left nipple... Both Tina and Mookie are dying. Mookie now has an ice cube on the left and right nipples and WE SEE before our very own eyes both get swollen, red, and erect. TINA (VO) Feels good. MOOKIE (VO) Yes, yes, Lord. Isn't this better than Haagen-Dazs butter pecan ice cream? CLOSE--TINA'S MOUTH Mookie kisses her. MOOKIE I'll be back tonight. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Officers Ponte and Long are awaiting their orders. SAL It's almost ready. OFFICER LONG What time you closing tonight? SAL Ten. Sal goes over to the oven, takes out their food and wraps it up. SAL Here you go. 72. OFFICER PONTE What do we owe you? SAL Nine-fifty. OFFICER PONTE Here. SAL Thanks. Enjoy. OFFICER LONG Vito, Pino, see ya later. The officers leave just as Mookie enters. MOOKIE Sal, if you want me to deliver any faster, get me a jet rocket or something, cuz I can't run with pizzas, all the cheese ends up on one side and shit. SAL I didn't say nuthin'. You must have a guilty conscience. What are you guilty of? MOOKIE I'm not guilty of nuthin'. SAL You must be guilty of something or you would have never come in saying the things you said. MOOKIE C'mon, Sal. SAL Where we goin'? While Sal laughs at his corny joke, Pino pulls Vito into the back. INT: STOREROOM--NIGHT PINO Vito, I want you to listen to me. I'm your brother. I may smack you around once in awhile, boss you around, but I'm still your brother. 73. VITO I know this. PINO I love you. VITO I'm listening. PINO Good. I want you to listen. VITO Jesus Christ on the cross, I said I'm listening. PINO Good. Vito, you trust that Mook too much. So does Pop. VITO Mookie's OK. PINO You listening to me? VITO Stop busting my balls. I said I'm listening ten fucking times already. PINO Mookie is not to be trusted. No Moulan Yan can be trusted. The first time you turn your back, boom, a knife right here. (Pino gestures) In the back. VITO How do you know this? PINO I know. VITO You really think so? PINO I know so. He, them, they're not to be trusted. VITO So what do you want me to do? 74. PINO Be on guard. Mookie has Pop conned already, so we have to look out for him. VITO I like Mookie a lot. PINO And that's exactly what I'm talkin' 'bout. SAL (OS) Vito! Pino! Let's go. PINO Be right there, Pop. Listen to what I said. VITO You don't listen to me, never have. Just run your big fucking mouth always playing big brother. You don't listen, but Mookie does. HOT CITY NIGHT MONTAGE THE BLOCK. WE'VE SEEN it at daytime, but now WE SEE it at night. Even though the white-hot sun is gone, nonetheless the heat is still stifling. And in a peculiar, funny sort of way, it's worse. You expect it to be hot during the light of day when the sun is beating down on the cement and tar, but at night it should be considerably cooler; well, not tonight, it's hot. All the residents of The Block: the Corner Men, Mother Sister, Da Mayor, Jade, etc., all the people WE'VE SEEN throughout the day are now coping with the night-time heat, plus it's humid as shit. Everyone is outside, sitting on stoops, on cars and you know the kids are playing, running up and down the block. Now it's the hottest night of the year. EXT: STREET--NIGHT Buggin' Out sits down on a car next to Radio Raheem; as usual, his box is blasting. BUGGIN' OUT How you be? RADIO RAHEEM I be. I'm living large. BUGGIN' OUT Is that the only tape you got? 75. RADIO RAHEEM You don't like Public Enemy? It's the dope shit. BUGGIN' OUT I like 'em, but you don't play anything else. RADIO RAHEEM I don't like anything else. BUGGIN' OUT Check this out. Y'know Sal's. RADIO RAHEEM Yeah, I know dat motherfucker. BUGGIN' OUT I'm trying to organize a boycott of Sal's pizza joint. Ya see what I'm saying? RADIO RAHEEM I almost had to yoke him this afternoon. Tell me, tell me, Radio Raheem, to turn my music down. Didn't even say please. Who the fuck he think he is? Don Corleone and shit. BUGGIN' OUT He makes all his money off us Black people and I don't see nuthin' but Italians all up in there, Sylvester Stallone and motherfuckers. Ya see what I'm saying, homeboy? RADIO RAHEEM Talk to me. BUGGIN' OUT We shouldn't buy a single slice, spend a single penny in that motherfucker till some people of color are put up in there. RADIO RAHEEM That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. BUGGIN' OUT You got my back. 76. RADIO RAHEEM Ya back is got. BUGGIN' OUT My brother. RADIO RAHEEM My brother. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Vito, Pino and Mookie are cleaning up. MOOKIE Sal, it's almost quitting time so please start counting my pay. I gotta get paid. Sal is looking into the cash register. SAL We did good business today. We got a good thing going. Nothing like a family in business working together. One day the both of you will take over...and Mookie, there will always be a place for you at Sal's Famous Pizzeria. Y'know, it should be Sal's and Sons Famous Pizzeria. ANGLE--VITO, PINO, AND MOOKIE All three look at each other. The horror is on their faces, with the prospect of working, slaving in Sal's and Sons Famous Pizzeria, trapped for the rest of their lives. Is this their future? It's a frightening thought. ANGLE--DOOR Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella enter. SAL We're about to close. AHMAD Just four slices, regular slices. Please. To go! SAL OK, but that's it. It's been a long day. Mookie goes over to the table where Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella sit. 77. MOOKIE Look, I want you to get your slices, then outta here. No playing around. AHMAD You got it. MOOKIE Good. No joke. We all wanna go home. OH NO! We hear the dum-dum-dum of Radio Raheem's box. As everyone turns their heads to the door, Buggin' Out and Radio Raheem are inside already. We have never heard the rap music as loud as it is now. You have to scream to be heard and that's what they do. SAL What did I tell ya 'bout dat noise? BUGGIN' OUT What did I tell ya 'bout dem pictures? SAL What da fuck! Are you deaf? BUGGIN' OUT No, are you? We want some Black people up on the Wall of Fame. SAL Turn that JUNGLE MUSIC off. We ain't in Africa. Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella start to dance while Mookie takes a seat, the impartial observer that he is. BUGGIN' OUT Why it gotta be about jungle music and Africa? SAL It's about turning that shit off and getting the fuck outta my pizzeria. PINO Radio Raheem. RADIO RAHEEM Fuck you. 78. SAL What ever happened to nice music with words you can understand? RADIO RAHEEM This is music. My music. VITO We're closed. BUGGIN' OUT You're closed alright, till you get some Black people up on that wall. Sal grabs his Mickey Mantle bat from underneath the counter and brings it down on Radio Raheem's box, again and again and again. The music stops. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM'S BOX Radio Raheem's pride and joy is smashed to smithereens. It's going to the junkyard quick. ANGLE--PIZZERIA There is an eerie quiet as everyone is frozen, surprised by the suddenness of Sal's action, the swings of his Mickey Mantle bat. All look at Radio Raheem and realize what is about to happen. ANGLE--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem screams, he goes crazy. RADIO RAHEEM My music! Radio Raheem picks Sal up from behind the counter and starts to choke his ass. Radio Raheem's prized possession--his box, the only thing he owned of value--his box, the one thing that gave him any sense of worth--has been smashed to bits. (Radio Raheem, like many Black youth, is the victim of materialism and a misplaced sense of values.) Now he doesn't give a fuck anymore. He's gonna make Sal pay with his life. Vito and Pino jump on Radio Raheem, who only tightens his grip around Sal's neck. Buggin' Out tries to help his friend. Mookie just stands and watches as Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella cheerlead. 79. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT The tangled mass of choking, biting, kicking, screaming confusion flies through the door of Sal's out onto the sidewalk. CLOSE--EDDIE The kid yells: EDDIE Fight! Fight! CUT TO: CLOSE--DA MAYOR He looks up. CUT TO: CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER She looks up. CUT TO: CLOSE--SWEET DICK WILLIE He also looks up. ANGLE--STREET The people on The Block run to Sal's Famous Pizzeria to see the STATIC. ANGLE--SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA Radio Raheem, Buggin' Out, Sal, Vito, and Pino are still entangled, rolling around on the sidewalk, but now before an entertained crowd of onlookers: ANGLE--DA MAYOR DA MAYOR Break it up. This is crazy. The fight continues. Da Mayor is smart enough not to get in the middle of this war. We hear sirens, somebody has called DA COPS. ANGLE--STREET 80. The cop cars come right through the crowd, almost running over some people. The cops get out with nightsticks and guns drawn. WE RECOGNIZE two of the faces, Officers Long and Ponte. Any time there is a skirmish between a Black man and a white man, you can bet the house on who the copes are gonna go for. You know the deal! Buggin' Out is pulled off first, then Vito and Pino, but Radio Raheem is a crazed man. It takes all six cops to pull him off Sal, who is red as a beet from being choked. ANGLE--COPS Handcuffs are put on Buggin' Out as he watches the other cops put a choke hold on Radio Raheem to restrain him. ANGLE--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem is still struggling, then he just stops, his body goes limp and he falls to the sidewalk like a fifty- pound bag of Idaho potatoes. ANGLE--STREET Officers Long and Ponte kick him. OFFICER LONG Get up! Get up! Radio Raheem just lies there like a bump on a log. ANGLE--CROWD The crowd stares at Radio Raheem's still body. He's unconscious or dead. CLOSE--OFFICER LONG OFFICER LONG Quit faking. ANGLE--STREET The officers all look at each other. They know, they know exactly what they've done. The infamous Michael Stewart choke hold. OFFICER PONTE Let's get him outta here. The officers pick up Radio Raheem's limp body and throw him into the back seat. Buggin' Out is pushed into another car. The cop cars speed off; in their haste to beat it, they have left the crowd. It's at this point the crowd becomes an angry mob. 81. ANGLE--MOB The mob looks at... ANGLE--MOB POV Sal still on the sidewalk, being helped to his feet by Vito and Pino, who are in bad shape themselves. ANGLE--MOB The mood/tone of the mob is getting ugly. Once again they have seen one of their own killed before their eyes at the hands of the cops. We hear the murmurs of the folks go through the crowd. VOICES OF MOB THEY KILLED HIM THEY KILLED RADIO RAHEEM IT'S MURDER DID IT AGAIN JUST LIKE THEY DID MICHAEL STEWART MURDER ELEANOR BUMPERS MURDER IT'S NOT SAFE NOT EVEN IN OUR OWN NEIGHBORHOOD IT'S NOT SAFE NEVER WAS NEVER WILL BE The cops, in their haste to get Radio Raheem out of there, have left an angry mob of Black folks with a defenseless Sal, Vito, and Pino. The mob looks at them. VOICES OF MOB WON'T STAND FOR IT THE LAST TIME FUCKIN' COPS THE LAST TIME IT'S PLAIN AS DAY DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL THE BOY HIGH ANGLE Mookie looks at the crowd and notices he's on the wrong side. He leaves Sal and his two sons. ANGLE--STREET Da Mayor walks in front of the crowd. 82. DA MAYOR Good people, let's all go home. Somebody's gonna get hurt. CROWD (OS) Yeah, you! DA MAYOR If we don't stop this now, we'll all regret it. Sal and his two boys had nothing to do with what the police did. CROWD (OS) Get out of the way, old man. You a Tom anyway. DA MAYOR Let 'em be. ANGLE--STREET Mookie picks up a garbage can and dumps it out into the street. He walks through the crowd, up to Da Mayor, Sal, Vito, and Pino. CLOSE--MOOKIE He screams. MOOKIE HATE!!!! SLOW MOTION Mookie hurls the garbage can through the plate glass window of Sal's Famous Pizzeria. That's it. All hell breaks loose. The dam has been unplugged, broke. The rage of a people has been unleashed, a fury. A lone garbage can thrown through the air has released a tidal wave of frustration. ANGLE--STREET Da Mayor pushes Sal, Vito, and Pino out of the way as the mob storms into Sal's Famous Pizzeria. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT The people rush into Sal's Famous Pizzeria, tearing it up. CLOSE--CASH REGISTER The cash register is opened. WE SEE only coins, Sal has the paper. 83. EXT: DA MAYOR'S STOOP--NIGHT Da Mayor leads Sal, Vito, and Pino back to his stoop where they watch in horror. SAL There it goes. Why? DA MAYOR You was there. First white folks they saw. You was there. PINO Fuckin' niggers. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Someone lights a match. WHOOOSH! EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Sal's Famous Pizzeria is going up in flames and now it's a carnival. MOTHER SISTER Burn it down. Burn it down. One might have thought that the elders--who through the years have been broken down, whipped, their spirits crushed, beaten into submission--would be docile, strictly onlookers. That's not true except for Da Mayor. The rest of the elders are right up in it with the young people. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT CLOSE--PHOTOS ON WALL OF FAME The photos of famous Italian-Americans are burning. EXT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--NIGHT The mob now moves across the street in front of the Korean fruit and vegetable stand. Sweet Dick Willie, Coconut Sid, and ML stand at the head of the mob. ML It's your turn. CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK He's scared to death, as the mob is poised to tear his place up too. The clerk wildly swings a broom to hold them off. 84. KOREAN CLERK Me no white. Me no white. Me Black. Me Black. Me Black. CLOSE--ML ML Me Black. Me Black. The mob starts to laugh; they feel for him. ANGLE--MOB SWEET DICK WILLIE Korea man is OK. Let's leave him alone. ML Him no white. Him no white. COCONUT SID Him Black. Him Black. EXT: DA MAYOR'S STOOP--NIGHT Sal, Vito, and Pino look on as Sal's Famous Pizzeria goes up in smoke. DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE--VITO DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE--PINO DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE--SAL EXT: STREET--NIGHT ANGLE--STREET Jade is running through the mob, looking for her brother. JADE Mookie! Mookie! ANGLE--MOOKIE Mookie is running around with the rest of the mob. ANGLE--STREET 85. The wail of fire trucks and police sirens is now added to the night. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT The mob moves back to in front of Sal's as the fire trucks and police, in full riot gear, pull up in the street behind them. POLICE LOUDSPEAKER (VO) Good people. Please disperse. Please disperse. The firemen rush to hook up their hoses, the police force themselves between the crowd and the burning Sal's Famous Pizzeria. POLICE LOUDSPEAKER (VO) Please disperse! Please disperse! The mob doesn't listen, they will not be moved. The mob will not be moved until they see Sal's Famous Pizzeria burn to the ground. ANGLE--SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA The firemen douse the pizzeria, trying desperately to stop the fire from spreading into the adjoining buildings. POLICE LOUDSPEAKER (VO) Good people, we're giving you one more warning. Please go back home. CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE This is our home. CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER MOTHER SISTER This is our neighborhood. ANGLE--MOB It will take force to move this mass of people. POLICE LOUDSPEAKER (VO) You've had your warning! POW! The hoses are turned on the mob. 86. WE SEE Mookie, Mother Sister, Sweet Dick Willie, ML, Coconut Sid, Jade, Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella, etc., go down before the powerful blast of the firehouse. Now we've come full circle. We're back to Montgomery or Birmingham, Alabama. The only thing missing is Sheriff Bull Connor and the German shepherds. It would take force to move them and that's exactly what the mob got. People are trying to hold on to each other, cars, railings, anything to keep from being swept away. EXT: DA MAYOR'S STOOP--NIGHT Da Mayor, Sal, Vito, and Pino watch in disbelief. It's unbelievable what is happening before their eyes. CUT TO: THE STREET--NIGHT THEIR POV People are screaming, kids and women are not being spared from the brute force of the firehoses either. EXT: WE LOVE STOREFRONT--NIGHT WE SEE the reflection of the fire in the storefront window as Mister Señor Love Daddy looks on. EXT: STREET--NIGHT ANGLE--JADE AND MOTHER SISTER Jade and Mother Sister try to hold on to a streetlamp as a gush of water hits them; their grips loosens, the water is too powerful, and they slide away down the block and Da Mayor runs after them. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT CLOSE--PHOTOS Some burnt photos on the floor. CLOSE--MICKEY MANTLE BAT The Mickey Mantle bat burns. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM'S BOX Radio Raheem's box has melted into a black mass of goo. CLOSER--RADIO RAHEEM'S BOX 87. As WE MOVE IN TIGHTER ON the melted box, we begin to hear the rap song that we've hear throughout. All other sound drops as the rap song gets louder and louder until it's deafening. ANGLE--SMILEY Smiley sits up from where he hid during the burning and looting of Sal's Famous Pizzeria. Smiley looks around and goes directly to the smoldering Wall of Fame. He stands there. Smiley pins one of his Malcolm X/Martin Luther King, Jr., cards to the Wall of Fame. CLOSE--PHOTO CLOSE--SMILEY We're on Smiley's face and a smile slowly travels across. It's the first time Smiley has smiled in years and nobody is there to see this event. FADE TO BLACK THE MORNING AFTER FADE IN: EXT: THE STREET--TO INT: RADIO STATION STOREFRONT--DAY The CAMERA, FROM HIGH ABOVE, CRANES DOWN ON The Block. The sidewalk is deserted, broken glass is everywhere, and it looks exactly as how one expects it to look, the morning after an uprising. The CAMERA NOW MOVES IN ON the WE LOVE storefront where Mister Señor Love Daddy is in his familiar place behind the mike. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY My people. My people. What can I say? Say what I can. I saw it but I didn't believe it. I didn't believe it what I saw. Are we gonna live together? Together are we gonna live? This is ya Mister Señor Love Daddy here on WE LOVE RADIO, 108 FM on your dial, and that's the truth, Ruth. CLOSE--MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY 88. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Today's weather. (he yells) HOT! CLOSER--MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY He screams: MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY WAKE UP! CUT TO: INT: TINA'S BEDROOM--DAY Mookie jumps out of her bed; Tina sleeps by his side and their son Hector is between them. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY (VO) WAKE UP! MOOKIE Fuck! My money! TINA Where are you going? MOOKIE To get my money. TINA Mookie, you must think I'm stupid or something. You're gonna run outta here and I won't see your black ass for another week. MOOKIE Tina, it's not like that. Mookie is putting on his clothes. TINA You don't care about me and you definately don't care 'bout your son. MOOKIE Tina, I'll be right back. TINA Be a man. MOOKIE I am a man. 89. TINA Act like one then. Be a man. MOOKIE Later. TINA You're to the curb. You better step off. Get a life. Mookie leaves. MOTHER SISTER'S BEDROOM--DAY Da Mayor wakes up in Mother Sister's big brass bed (she was born in it). At first he has no idea where he's at, then sees Mother Sister sitting down across the room smiling at him. MOTHER SISTER Good morning. DA MAYOR Is it a good morning? MOTHER SISTER Yes indeed. You almost got yourself killed last night. DA MAYOR I've done that before. Da Mayor gets up out of her big brass bed. DA MAYOR Where did you sleep? MOTHER SISTER I didn't. DA MAYOR I hope the block is still standing. MOTHER SISTER We're still standing. Da Mayor and Mother Sister both look out the parlor window to see THE BLOCK and Mookie. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie walks up to Sal's Famous Pizzeria as it still smoulders in the morning light. Sal emerges from the wreckage; he looks like he might have slept there. 90. SAL Whatdafuck do you want? MOOKIE I wants my money. I wants to get paid. Sal looks at Mookie in disbelief. SAL Mookie, I always liked you. Not the smartest kid, but you're honest. Don't make me dislike you. MOOKIE Sal, I want my money. SAL Don't even ask about your money. Your money wouldn't even pay for that window you smashed. MOOKIE Motherfuck a window, Radio Raheem is dead. SAL You're right, a kid is dead, but Mook, this isn't the time. MOOKIE Fuck dat. The time is fuckin' now. Y'know I'm sorry 'bout Sal's Famous Pizzeria, but I gotta live, too. I gotta get paid. SAL We both do. MOOKIE We all know you're gonna get over with the insurance money anyway! Ya know da deal. SAL Do we now? MOOKIE Quit bullshitting. SAL You don't know shit about shit. 91. MOOKIE I know I wants to get my money. Sal has had it. SAL How much? How much do I owe you? MOOKIE My salary. Two-fifty. Sal pulls out a wad and quickly peels off hundred dollar bills. SAL One, two, three, four, five. Sal throws the "C" notes at Mookie, they hit him in the chest and fall to the sidewalk. SAL Are you happy now? That's five fucking hundred dollars. You just got paid. Mookie, you are a rich man, now ya life is set, you'll never have another worry, a care in the world. Mookie, ya wealthy, a fuckin' Rockefeller. Mookie is stunned by Sal's outburst. He picks up the bills. SAL Ya just got paid, so leave me the fuck alone. MOOKIE You only pay me two-fifty a week. (he throws two "C" notes back at him) I owe you fifty bucks. SAL Keep it. MOOKIE You keep it. SAL Christmas came early. Both look at the two hundred-dollar bills on the sidewalk and refuse to pick them up. It's a stalemate. 92. MOOKIE This is the hottest Christmas I've known. Mookie counts his money. SAL It's supposed to be even hotter today. MOOKIE You gonna open up another Sal's Famous Pizzeria? SAL No. What are you gonna do? MOOKIE Make dat money. Get paid. SAL Yeah!...I'm goin' to the beach for the first day in fifteen years. Gonna take the day off and go to the beach. MOOKIE I can dig it. It's gonna be HOT as a motherfucker. SAL Mookie? MOOKIE Gotta go. SAL C'mere, Doctor. Mookie turns around and goes back. SAL Doctor, this is Sal talkin'. MOOKIE OK. OK. SAL Doctor, always try to do the right thing. MOOKIE That's it? 93. SAL That's it. Mookie thinks about it, looks at the two "C" notes still smiling up at him. He quickly scoops them up. MOOKIE I got it. EXT: STREET--DAY HIGH ANGLE As Mookie turns and walks away, Sal goes back into Sal's Famous Pizzeria to salvage what is salvageable, and The Block begins to awake from its slumber, ready to deal once again with the heat of the hottest day of the year. FADE OUT. ROLL CREDITS.
DOG DAY AFTERNOON "DOG DAY AFTERNOON" by Frank Pierson Final Draft FADE IN: EXT. ELECTRIC SIGN It FILLS THE SCREEN (designed to exactly FILL THE FRAME size of whatever ratio we're shooting in). It says: 2:51 This message will be a little cryptic to the movie audience on an essentially BLACK SCREEN. HOLD for a beat, then it changes: the lights flash this sign, which should explain it to everyone: 94° And a slow distant ROLL OF THUNDER in the far distance; now the SOUND of media begin to come up loud, under: EXT. FLATBUSH AVENUE - DAY LONG SHOT down the Avenue, 400 mm lens, heat waves shimmering, thousands of old people, and people with children in strollers moving restlessly about in the heat on those endless miles of benches. The SHOT is ON SCREEN only for a beat or two, then gone... SOUND TRACK COMES FROM A THOUSAND TRANSISTOR RADIOS, TV SETS, AUTO RADIOS, BLENDED IN THE OPEN AIR... RADIO ANNOUNCER 1 (V.O.) ...the situation continued tense in the Middle East today, as... EXT. SHEA STADIUM (TV CLIP) - DAY An unnamed player swings and hits a high pop up... ANNOUNCER 2 (V.O.) ...hits a high inside pitch foul into the upper stands... ANGLE ON CROWD as the ball comes down they scramble and fight for it... A touch of viciousness... ANNOUNCER 3 (V.O.) ...B-52's meanwhile, unleashed the heaviest bombing of the war... EXT. MOVIE HOUSE TO MACDONALD'S - DAY We are SEEING HEIDI, though we don't know it yet - she's just another pretty 175-pound Italian girl with two kids, KIMMY, JIMMY, about four and five years old. Right now she is a lump of browning flesh, shining with oil among rows of similar ladies (mostly thinner, but all with a certain unhealthy softness about them) laid out in rows and groups across the sand. SHOOT LOW AND LONG, so heat shimmers rise, as though the heat were baking the oil out of this mob, visible suntan oil pollution... Heidi's transistor blasts ROCK MUSIC into the air. LYRICS (OVER) (Roberta Flack) REVEREND LEE, SHE SAID, LORD KNOWS I LOVE YOU, REVEREND LEE - DO IT TO ME (etc., etc.) ANNOUNCER 3 (V.O.) ...the American High Command announced the famed 25th Cavalry Division would be coming home! The 25th Cavalry, long since afoot, hardened in battle in the jungles of World War II... FAR DISTANT THUNDER ROLLS... INT/EXT. SONNY'S CAR - STREET - DAY It is parked in a drab Brooklyn street. Beside the car stands SAL, medium height, also good-looking in an intense boyish way. His eyes dart about suspiciously, the ever-watchful Sal. There is a watchful reserve in Sal that contrasts to Sonny's outgoing bounciness: first impression is Sonny is all bark; Sal is the bite. Sal is dressed in impressive blue suit style, he looks like a kid trying to impress the Godfather. He even wears a hat. Now, matching Sal's preparations inside the car, he checks his tie's alignment, shoots his cuffs and is ready... Meanwhile, on their car radio: ELTON JOHN (Amoreena) AND SHE DREAMS OF CRYSTAL STREAMS OF DAYS GONE BY WHEN WE COULD LEAN LAUGHING FIT TO BURST UPON EACH OTHER... ANOTHER ANGLE BY CAR As he turns, from the back of the car, JACKIE appears with a huge florist box, tied with ribbon. Jackie is an eighteen year old with bad complexion and in contrast to Sonny and Sal is dressed in teenage sloppiness. Adidas, T-shirt, bowling jacket, jeans. He is uncertain: waits for directions from Sonny. Sonny takes the florist box from him. We see a water truck drive down the street, followed by Sonny's car, which drives up near bank. It stops, Jackie gets out, crosses to bank window, peers through, then ANGLE INSIDE CAR returns to car. Leans in, has fake conversation with Sonny. They are waiting. Sonny checks his watch, turns to Sal in back seat: SONNY 30 seconds, Sal... They wait. At appropriate moment, Sal exits car, walks toward bank. Slowly Sonny gets out. INT. BANK - DAY A slightly seedy little branch bank, old yellow brick, blond varnished wood, a rubber plant, an American flag. Through the windows we SEE HOWARD, the aged black bank guard, in uniform, taking down the American flag from outside. Past him comes Sal carrying an attache case. He passes Howard coming toward us through the door into the bank. As he passes CAMERA: INSERT: BANK CLOCK as it CLICKS from 2:57 to 2:58 PM. MOVING SHOT WITH SAL as he moves toward the left-hand deposit-slips desks. He picks out a car-loan application slip, then walks toward the manager's desk (as the sign on the desk proclaims) of PATRICK MULVANEY. Sal sits down, his back to Mulvaney, facing the front door of the bank. Mulvaney is on the phone. ON DOOR as Sonny bustles through in his bouncy dancer's walk. He carries the large florist box. He moves toward the left- hand deposit-slips desks, takes one out and begins to fill one out. ON HOWARD as he pulls out the keys, attached to the belt of his uniform. Jackie approaches the door of the bank and stops, neither in nor out, as though he can't make up his mind. Howard watches him, waiting patiently, keys in hand, folded flag under his arm. CLOSE - SAL still sitting, back to Mulvaney, watching Jackie's approach and entrance, ready to move on cue. ON DOOR on Howard as he looks at Jackie, still half in, half out. Howard speaks to him: HOWARD Closing time; you want in or out? Jackie steps in and as Howard locks the door to prevent more customers from entering, Jackie walks toward Sonny, filling out a slip at the left-hand area. CAMERA FOLLOWS Jackie. He stops at deposit-slips desk, next to Sonny. CLOSE - SAL as if by pre-arranged signal, Sal now stands up, moves to the side of Mulvaney's desk. SAL You the manager? ON MULVANEY who is still on the phone. He gestures at the sign on his desk that says so, and gestures for Sal to sit down. ON SAL as he sits, producing as he does a machine pistol, which he holds on Mulvaney's chest, out of sight from others in the bank. MULVANEY His mouth simply stops, and he stares at the gun. Mulvaney is a comic opera Irishman in his early fifties, florid... cheerful, bushy eyebrows; he acts out everything he says... SAL Just go on talking, like nothing was happening, okay? MULVANEY (into phone) Listen, lemme call you back. He hangs up, and looks from the gun up to Sal's blank hard face. To his own amazement, he grins: a hopeful grin that says: "Like me - don't hurt me." And he's embarrassed by it. As we watch, his smile turns sour. HIS POV - FLASH Sal's absolutely unmoved face. TWO SHOT - SONNY AND JACKIE Jackie moves over to Sonny. JACKIE Sonny, I'm gettin' real bad vibes. SONNY Jackie - what are you talking about? JACKIE Maybe we can take something smaller... like a Spanish grocery. SONNY (indicating what's happening with Sal and Mulvaney) It's too late - just get away from me - don't talk to me now - go over to your place... Jackie moves to another deposit-slips desk - takes one out and begins to fill it out. ON TELLER'S CAGE AREA as a LADY with a BABY in a stroller moves away from the Teller and starts to walk toward the front door. DEBORAH is marking figures on a piece of paper at 1st Teller's cage. SYLVIA and MIRIAM stand behind her - their backs to Sonny. Howard, who has put the folded flag in a plastic bag in a front desk, follows Lady toward the door. He unlocks the door and hands the Baby a lollipop, courtesy of the bank, and she exits the bank. CLOSE - NEW ANGLE - SONNY glancing at clock, taking a sharp deep breath... SAL staring at Mulvaney. MULVANEY the ruins of his smile still on his face. HOWARD straightens up from locking the door; the figure of the Lady and the Baby can be seen receding outside... SONNY seeing that the bank is closed, locked in, with no customers, crosses toward the front teller's cage area, carrying the florist box. As he reaches the other side, he rips open the box and takes the rifle out and aims it level onto SYLVIA BALL, the teller, who automatically takes the "closed" sign and holds it in front of her face as though to protect herself from the rifle. SYLVIA (holding sign in front of her face) Sorry, this window is shut... TWO SHOT - MULVANEY AND SAL as Mulvaney stands and yells to Sylvia... ANGLE ON BACK OF BANK, REST ROOM AREA as MARGARET, an accountant, comes out of the ladies' room, starts to cross downstage toward her desk, sees what is happening, and momentarily freezes in her tracks. SONNY The cues have got all fucked up, but he's so programmed and ready, he can't adjust, so the speech he had ready comes out now: SONNY Okay, this is a stickup! Nobody move! This is a fucking stickup! Just freeze now, goddammit! Get away from your desk... get in the center - get in the center! Sylvia and Edna start to move toward the rear of the bank, toward Margaret's desk. MULVANEY aghast at his own outspokenness... Sal holding the gun levelled on him. MULVANEY Okay, okay... we know it's a stickup! SONNY (to Jackie, re: Howard) If he moves - blow his guts out... Cover him! TWO SHOT - SONNY & JACKIE Jackie, staring at the real guns, turns to Sonny... JACKIE I'm sorry, Sonny... I can't make it... Jackie starts to move toward the front door. SONNY Hey, for christ's sake... now... fuckin' asshole... (turns to Sal) He can't make it. SAL Fuck him - let him out! Sonny yells out at frozen Howard. SONNY Hey... let him out! MULVANEY (yells) Do what the gentleman says, Howard. Sonny sees that Howard is useless, so he runs to Howard, grabbing the keys from him and pulls Howard along with him to the front door. Jackie unlocks the door, and Jackie, with a last apologetic glance, gives his gun to Sonny and vanishes into the sweltering afternoon. Sonny then frisks Howard and has a sudden afterthought as he locks the door again. He quickly unlocks it and shouts out at Jackie. EXT. BANK - DAY SONNY Hey, don't take the car! JACKIE (on sidewalk) Well, how'll I get home? SONNY Take the subway. We need the car. (as Jackie starts to walk away) Hey, gimme the keys - the keys! Jackie stops, fumbles for keys, crosses back to Sonny with them. JACKIE (points to fig. desk) Sonny, there's somebody under that desk over there... I'm sorry... SONNY It's okay... it's okay... Sonny turns into the bank once more, as Jackie walks off toward the subway, pointing inside at a desk near the window as he does, to point something out to Sonny. INT. BANK - DAY Sonny, re-entering the bank, speaks to Howard. SONNY Lock it. Sonny now crosses to desk that Jackie indicated, as everyone watches him, as though it's all in the game. SONNY (taps loudly on top of desk) Hey... get outta there! Nobody's gonna hurt you. JENNY, a young, frightened girl, peeks out from under the desk, obviously afraid to reveal herself. Sonny starts to move toward the front of the bank. Sal turns so he can cover everyone. Sonny turns to order Howard. SONNY Pull the drapes. Howard doesn't move. SONNY Pulla drapes! Howard belatedly leaps to work, pulling drapes that screen off the interior from outside. The door has no drapes or blinds and thus when the drapes are closed there is a corridor of space across the street we will always be able to see. And from which people outside will always be able to see in. As Howard finishes the task, he then walks back to the huddled group on the rear. SONNY on his way to the back of the bank, is digging into his jacket pocket; he swings around as he passes the camera that is bolted to a wall bracket covering the tellers' area. He whips out a spray can and gives the lens a shot of red paint. There are three cameras in all, each of which he sprays. SONNY (grinning) No replay, folks... no alarms... After spraying the three cameras, he has reached Mulvaney's desk area. The girls are scattering to group farther back and Sonny and Mulvaney are heading for the vault. MULVANEY (on cross to vault with Sonny) We're hip... let's just get you all fixed up and on your way! MIRIAM, a young, awkward, overweight Jewish girl, chewing gum with nervous machine-like rapidity, moving toward the vault. The gate is closed, and she holds one key and Mulvaney the other. They pass Sal, who now holds the others in the bank under his gun while at the vault gate. SONNY Okay, is the vault open? MULVANEY I can take care of that. NEW ANGLE Mulvaney is about to insert his key in his lock. Sonny quickly reaches out and grabs Mulvaney's hand, and looks at the key he has extended. He explodes. SONNY Son of a bitch! He almost hits Mulvaney with his fist. SONNY What the fuck you tryin' to do? Trip the alarm? Use the spur key? Use the other one... He's grabbed the keys from Mulvaney and holds up the key Mulvaney was going to use... we're in a: VERY TIGHT TWO SHOT - MULVANEY AND SONNY'S HEADS Sonny holds the key right in the middle of the FRAME where Mulvaney and the audience can SEE the key has a tiny projection or spur at the end. If this key is used, the spur triggers a silent alarm. MULVANEY I must of been outta my mind. SONNY (furious) Well, you get your mind right. I'm a Catholic and I don't wanna hurt nobody, but goddamn it, don't you play no games with me. Unnastand?!? Mulvaney nods and picks out a key that is identical except for the spur. He shows it to Sonny. Sonny nods. NEW ANGLE as Mulvaney carefully uses the safe key to unlock the gate. Miriam is crying as she unlocks her side. The gate swings open. Sonny shoves Mulvaney inside and, as he passes Miriam, notices her tears. She just stands there staring into his face like a hypnotized chicken, the tears streaming down her face. Sonny stops, staring at her. Mulvaney, starting to open the gate, moves inside the vault, impatient... MULVANEY Okay. Let's get you on your way. Miriam - open the safe. Miriam hesitates. SONNY What's the matter with you? MULVANEY (to Miriam) Come on, lemme load you up... MIRIAM There isn't any money... Sonny looks at Mulvaney, alarmed... MIRIAM They picked it up this afternoon... SONNY No money?! (moves inside the vault) MIRIAM There's only about four thousand in singles, and maybe a few hundred in larger bills... he's going to kill us! Sonny storms into the vault. NEW ANGLE IN VAULT as Mulvaney pulls a cash drawer out to show Sonny: even we can see there isn't much there. Sonny searches for more, finds nothing. SONNY This is it? What am I gonna do with this? Holy shit! MULVANEY It's all we got. SONNY Okay, don't worry about it. Stick it in the bag... At this, Sonny pulls out a plastic bag from his pocket, hands it to Miriam, who opens it and puts the money into it. As he turns, we see that Miriam is still staring at him, terrified, and as his rifle swings around, she reels back with a little screech of terror... SONNY Ah, Jesus... SAL Let's go, Sonny. SONNY (suddenly gentle) What are you crying for? Jesus Christ. It's not your fault there's no money... MULVANEY She's afraid you're gonna shoot... (hands Sonny the bag of money) Sonny starts out of the vault toward the teller's area with bag of money. He speaks to Mulvaney. SONNY What the hell would I shoot her for? Miriam follows Sonny to teller's cages gate. He carries the bag. PHONE STARTS TO RING (#1) SONNY Answer the phone! Mulvaney crosses to his desk, picks up the receiver. Sal follows him, yanks receiver from one ear to the other, so he can hear conversation. SONNY (to Miriam) Okay... open this. Miriam crosses to gate, presses the necessary button and the gate opens from them. Sonny watches this carefully, noting where the buzzer button is. He crosses in front of the drawer at the first cage. He tries to open the drawer. It's obviously locked. SONNY Okay, who's the head teller here? SYLVIA I am. SONNY Open this up! Sylvia comes forward and unlocks the first drawer, and begins to remove the cash, but Sonny grabs her hands... alarmed... SONNY Don't take it all out! He grabs a piece of paper or cardboard... CLOSE SHOT - SONNY'S HANDS AND CASH IN DRAWER He takes all the singles but one out of the singles slot in the drawer, leaving the bottom single in place. It is held there by a metal clip. He carefully slips the paper under the clip and then removes the single. It is clear this is an automatic alarm - meanwhile... SONNY Boy, I can't trust a one of you... I worked in a bank, I know the alarms, so don't try to fool around with me! BACK TO SHOT OF SONNY AND SYLVIA AND MIRIAM as they move to 2nd cash drawer at 2nd teller's cage. Sylvia unlocks the drawer and starts to reach in for the cash, but Sonny pushes his hand into the drawer instead. He begins to stuff the money into the bag. Some fives, packaged with rubber bands, in the drawer, he holds up so Sal and all can see them... He laughs! SONNY Decoy money, right, it's marked! Shit! He throws it into the air so the bills flutter all around him, gaily... In the background, Mulvaney, having finished with the phone conversation, is moving to the rear with the rest of the girls. Sonny now moves to the 3rd cage's cash drawer... Mulvaney ends phone conversation and Sal moves him over to group at vault. SONNY (mimicking Sylvia) 'This window is shut...' Again, the same procedure begins. Sylvia unlocks the cash drawer and Sonny starts to scoop it out and put it into the opened plastic bag that Miriam holds. SAL Cheer up, you'll be the veteran of a robbery, the bank sends you a dozen red roses, you know that? At this point, THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN (#2) SONNY (yelling to Sal) Sal, let him answer the goddamn phones, they're driving me crazy! Look at this chicken shit! Again, Mulvaney starts to cross back to his desk, again followed by Sal. Sonny yells out to Mulvaney as he crosses to answer the phone. SONNY Hey, you, manager... Don't get any ideas, fucker... See that man there? I bark and he bites! MULVANEY Believe me, I'm on your side. SONNY My side, shit! They move to Drawer #4. SYLVIA Listen, we got young girls here... you could watch your language. SONNY I speak what I feel. MULVANEY ON THE PHONE MULVANEY Hello... I'm sorry I can't talk to you right now... I suggest you call during banking hours tomorrow. What is your name? BACK ON SONNY, SYLVIA AND MIRIAM SONNY Gimme the traveler's checks and the register. They cross toward the last drawer area (#5). Miriam is still crying silently. Sonny holds out the plastic bag for the checks for her. She drops it. SONNY Please... quit that. It's not necessary. With everything in the bag, Sonny now takes the register and starts to move the two girls toward the rear near the vault. MULVANEY Can you hurry it up? BACK TO SONNY as he moves toward the rear (Sylvia and Miriam now re-joining other women), to get a wastebasket. Accomplishing this, he starts to burn the pages of the register, tearing out pages as he does so. It's smokey as hell, but not burning well. He drops it, smoking, into the wastebasket. SONNY (to Howard) Hey, you! Give me the keys... We're gettin' outta here. HOWARD (gasping for breath) Huh? MULVANEY Howard? HOWARD Huh? ON HOWARD The old man is panicked, great patches of sweat spreading around his armpits. He breathes in asthmatic gasps; now he flinches at his name, as though he's been hit. MULVANEY (stands, receiver still to ear, then covering it with his hand) Howard, give him the keys... SONNY Gimme the keys to get outta here! Howard is unable to move. Seeing his predicament, Edna moves to him and starts to unfasten his belt to remove the keys. Mulvaney continues with his phone conversation. ON SONNY who now crosses to Howard and Edna, losing patience with the situation. As he moves closer, Howard backs away from him, frightened by his rifle. Seeing that, Sonny puts it down and looks over to Sal for coverage. SONNY Sal... As Sonny approaches Howard, he realizes that he can't get close enough. SONNY Take it easy... just gimme the keys. I'm not gonna hurt you. Listen, calm down, huh? You're gonna have a heart attack. Just gimme the keys... that's all I want. Howard gives him the keys and as Sonny starts to walk back toward the burning register... ON SAL with Mulvaney still on the phone. SAL (looking past camera, falling onto the floor behind Mulvaney) Sonny... who's that? Across the street. ON SONNY who now starts to move quickly toward the front of the bank, being sure to hide behind the posts as he moves. MULVANEY (O.S.) (on phone) No, it was the credit rating. The credit rating. I don't know, you'd have to find that out from him. Sonny has now reached the front of the bank. He carefully peeks out through the closed draperies to look outside. ANGLE ON STREET - SONNY'S POV A man, in a business suit, sweaty and harassed-looking, is walking from an insurance office across the street directly toward the bank... The man continues coming straight toward them and us... REVERSE Sonny starts to run back to get his gun from Margaret's desk. Mulvaney is still on the phone. MULVANEY It was something a couple of years ago in St. Louis, I don't know... Sonny grabs the gun from the desk top and moves over to Mulvaney. ANGLE ON DOOR AT FRONT OF BANK The man walks straight toward the glass door, already lifting his hand to shadow his eyes, so when he reaches the door, he'll be able to see inside. REVERSE ON SAL AND MULVANEY Sal brings the gun up so he can shoot the man, at the same time, crabbing himself aside so he is concealed behind Mulvaney and the desk. Mulvaney sees the approaching man and cups his hand over the phone. MULVANEY It's the insurance guy across the street. He probably saw the goddamn smoke! (motions toward smoking register) Please! Put out the fire! ON MAN The last few feet from the door. ON SONNY who rushes through the teller's cages gate toward the register, grabs the smoking register, throws it onto the floor near Edna's desk, and starts to stamp it out. MARGARET I'll get some water! Before anyone can move, Sonny grabs the gun on them all. SONNY Nobody move! Freeze! The women now begin to scream as real hysteria sets in. Deborah screams, collapses. CLOSE - ON SAL BRINGING GUN UP ON: DOOR The man actually kicks the glass with his foot, then leans against the glass, shades his eyes, trying to see in. MULVANEY (O.S.) Sorry... I can't talk now... I'll call you back. SOUND of hanging up. The man is looking all around. SAL AND MULVANEY SAL Get rid of him. MULVANEY Howard, wave him off. Tell him we're closed. Whatever... ON HOWARD who is useless. ON MULVANEY who starts to move toward the front door, looking over at Sonny trying to put out the fire. CAMERA FOLLOWS MULVANEY TO THE FRONT DOOR; Sonny moves with him, covering him all the time. ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR as Sonny stands behind closed venetian blinds to listen to the conversation and to cover Mulvaney. SONNY The gun's right on your back... MULVANEY Give me the keys... Sonny hands him the keys. VERY CLOSE SHOT - SAL He raises the gun and sights it now, and in this moment, we should sense a kind of luxurious relaxation into anticipation on Sal's part. He is smiling a little, and for the first time, looks happy, and that's what makes him seem dangerous. He's looking forward to an excuse to kill. It's here now: survival. There is something almost sexual about the way he settles his body down behind the weapon, getting ready for the squeeze on the trigger, the report, the violent shove of recoil against his muscles and sinews. In the background, we see Sylvia bringing Howard a cup of water. ANGLE ON DOOR emphasizing the small of Mulvaney's back. The man is somebody he knows from across the street. He looks worried and mystified... MULVANEY (unlocking door) What is it, Sam? SAM Everything's all right? You okay? MULVANEY Yeah, just a cigarette got in a wastebasket. Silence. Sam stares around... thinking. SAM You all right? MULVANEY Little smoke: like a Polish four- alarm fire, is all. SAM Yeah. Well, you're okay? MULVANEY Yeah, thanks for keeping an eye out. SAM Okay. He's not satisfied, but he can't see anything and he can't think of anything more to say, so... MULVANEY Thanks again, Sam. SAM I'm glad it's okay. MULVANEY It's okay. [Regards to the family, Sam.] Mulvaney locks the door and walks inside the bank, giving the keys back to Sonny. MULVANEY For God's sake, will you please go now? We gave you every nickel we got. SONNY You're goin' outside with me. If there's no cops around, we just split. Otherwise, you go with us. Mulvaney and Sonny starts to walk back toward Sal. As they do, the PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN (#3). SONNY (to Mulvaney) Answer it. Mulvaney shrugs helplessly. Picks up the phone, standing at desk opposite his. ON SAL SAL He's gone? SONNY Yeah - it's all right... let's go. MULVANEY ON PHONE MULVANEY Hello, Mulvaney here... TWO SHOT - SONNY & SAL SONNY Sal, get 'em in the vault. SAL Where's the money? SONNY Get 'em in the vault! As Sal starts to herd them into the vault (Sylvia helping Howard, still with the cup of water), Mulvaney is still on the phone. Sonny moves down to get the money bag atop the teller's cages and we hear Mulvaney on phone. MULVANEY (tired) What property is that, Mrs. Anterio? The Third Avenue property - you already got a second mortgage on. We discussed it before... ANGLE AT VAULT The girls are afraid; Miriam unlocks the gate as Sonny uses Mulvaney's keys to the matching lock. JENNY (from inside vault area) You won't close the vault? How can we breathe? SONNY No, that's okay... just close the gate... Sylvia, helping Howard, is the last to go through the gate. As Sonny is about to lock the gate, she turns to him. SYLVIA Listen, I'll never make it. I'll have to go to the toilet. SONNY What's the matter... they never housebroke you? SYLVIA It's not a joke. I got this terrible fear of being locked in... SAL Goddamn women... SONNY Ah shit. Okay... go ahead. Anybody else have to go? EDNA Me, too, please. SAL You see... now they all gotta go. As Sylvia starts to move out, Sonny starts to cross ahead of her. SONNY Wait a minute - I want to check. Mulvaney finishes his phone conversation. He moves toward the group at the vault. NEW ANGLE as Sonny sprints for the door to the Ladies' Room. INSIDE LADIES' ROOM It is a little lounge; sitting on a couch under the window, making up her face (or painting her toenails) and listening to her tiny transistor radio, oblivious to all that's happened, is MARIA, heavily-painted and voluptuous Latin girl. Sylvia, following him in, is shocked. She's forgotten about Maria. Now she runs over to her, puts her arms around her. SYLVIA Oh - Maria! SONNY Who the hell is that? God damn it! What the... Maria is about to protest, but Sylvia grabs her and starts to hustle her out. SONNY What are you trying to pull? SYLVIA I forgot she's in here. SONNY Come on, nobody's going to the bathroom - come on... He moves with them back to the vault area, herds them into it. At this point, PHONE RINGS AGAIN (#4). Sonny moves to get the empty wastebasket, shoving it into the vault for the girls to use in case of emergency. Mulvaney moves to his desk and phone. Mulvaney has by this time answered the phone, and is now holding it out to Sonny. HOLD THE BEAT... MULVANEY (to Sonny) It's for you. ON SONNY AND SAL They both stare at Mulvaney. Sonny slowly moves toward Mulvaney. For the first time since he entered the bank, he's quiet and slow. He takes the instrument and slowly puts it to his ear. The group from the vault now slowly starts to move out to listen to the conversation. SONNY (into phone) Yeah. MORETTI (V.O.) What are you doin' in there? SONNY Who's this? MORETTI (V.O.) This is Detective Sergeant Moretti, asshole, we got you completely by the balls. You don't believe me, I'm lookin' you right in the eye. Right now, I can see you... SAL Who is it? Sonny turns and looks out through the door. Sure enough, in the window of the barbershop across the street, the dim figure of a man on a telephone can be SEEN looking out toward us. He wears a hat in spite of the weather and a cigar is clamped in his mouth. He is an old-time, hard-nosed, uneducated, street-wise, sarcastic New York cop, outspoken, rude and sentimental. Right now he's a distant silhouette and a voice on the telephone. CLOSE ON SONNY holding the phone. Listening to the voice of his death speaking in New York accents. MORETTI (V.O.) Okay? Let's be reasonable and not stupid and not get anybody hurt. You come to the front door with hands folded on your head, unnastand? Nobody's gonna shoot or... Sonny slowly, almost sadly, puts the telephone receiver back down, cutting off the little voice at the other end. He looks up at Mulvaney, then to Sal. SONNY (to Sal) It's the cops. Shit! SAL How'd that happen? MULVANEY (backing away from Sonny) I swear to God... on my salary, I'm not gonna be any hero... SONNY I took too long. SAL It was the fire, asshole! Sonny paces. MULVANEY I told you, just go, get out when you could, but no, you just got to hang around. Sonny is pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. SONNY Oh, shit! I gotta have time to think. SYLVIA What is it? Did you just barge in here... He doesn't have plan. It's all a whim. (sarcastic) 'Rob a bank! What not?' SONNY ...Just give me time to think... PHONE STARTS TO RING (#5). MULVANEY We're all in the barrel together... Phone continues to ring. Sonny finally grabs it (desk opposite Mulvaney). SONNY (into phone) All right, bastards! You keep away from the bank or we start throwing bodies out the front door one at a time. You got that? A startled apologetic man's voice speaks: Now ANOTHER PHONE BEGINS TO RING (#6). MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) I just called to ask Jenny what time she's gonna get off. SONNY Who's this? MAN (V.O.) It's her husband. Sonny abruptly holds the phone out from his body at arm's length, disgusted. SONNY Is there a Jenny here? Nobody moves. They all stare at him. Finally he singles her out. SONNY It's your husband. Jenny starts to move toward Sonny. JENNY What do I say? SONNY Tell him the truth! Tell him whatever you tell him! OTHER PHONE CONTINUES TO RING (#6). As he puts down the phone for her to pick up, Sonny reaches for the other phone that is RINGING. SONNY What a fuckin' comedy! (into phone) WNEW plays all the hits. MORETTI (V.O.) Listen, first off, is anybody hurt in there? SONNY ...But you keep away from the bank or we start throwing bodies out the front door one at a time... You got it? Okay? He hangs up the phone. Sal looks at him. SAL You mean that? SONNY What? SAL ...The bodies out the door. SONNY I want him to think that. SAL But do you mean it? At this moment, Jenny, phone in hand, is turned to him, respectfully like a child in an authoritarian household, addressing her father: JENNY He wants to know what time you think you'll be through. ON SONNY stares at her. For the first time, he realizes how frightened she is, how serious, grotesque, and funny it all is. He takes the time to be tender with her, as though she were a not-too-bright child in the presence of a tragedy she'll never understand. SONNY Tell him I don't know. Now Sonny turns to speak to Mulvaney. SONNY Where's the back door? MULVANEY It's locked on the inside. (beat) It's through that passageway and to the right. Sonny disappears toward the back door. Jenny continues her phone conversation. MAN (V.O.) Jenny? JENNY He says he doesn't know. Why don't you cook whatever's there? MAN (V.O.) It looks like a whole roast. JENNY Honey, send out for Kentucky fried chicken. The baby, just open a bottle of prunes, and one of the beef. The bottles are in the fridge. MULVANEY (to Jenny) Hurry up! MAN (V.O.) I know how to fix the bottle. They got guns? JENNY (with the baby on her mind) What guns? MAN (V.O.) The robbers in the bank. They got guns? JENNY Yeah. A lot of guns. MAN (V.O.) Well, stay away from them. Don't get close. JENNY Oh, yeah, I will... Now Sonny returns from the rear door area, sees that she's still on the phone and signals to her to hurry up. SONNY Hey, Jenny - let's go... JENNY Hon? I got to go. MAN (V.O.) I love you. Jenny hesitates. Everyone is looking at her. They look away, as though to give her privacy. JENNY Yeah. Well, I got to go now... A beat of silence. Realizes she can't talk... MAN (V.O.) I'll kiss the baby for you. JENNY (past embarrassment) I love you. She hangs up and then crosses to the group by the vault. NEW ANGLE on Sonny as he moves to Sal, to reassure Sal out of some guiltiness about trapping him in this situation. His tone apologetic... almost tender... SONNY Sal, I'm sorry about this. But we can get outta this thing. There's a way outta this. SAL Are you serious? About throwin' a body outta here if we have to? SONNY Well, I stalled him for a while. When it comes the time, then we'll work it out. Okay? SAL But do you mean it?... But you just told him that if worse comes to worse... SONNY I want him to think that. SAL But I want to know what you think. SONNY We won't have to. SAL I'll tell you right now - that I'm ready to do it. Now Sonny moves over to the group at the vault gate and speaks to them. SONNY What I want to say is... everything's gonna be all right... if we all cooperate and we don't, you know... carry on... I don't know you and you don't know me... and what I'm tryin' to tell you is that if you stay cooled out, we can work this thing out and nobody's going to get hurt... believe me, I don't want to hurt anybody... Everybody is going to have a chance to do what they have to do... she's gotta go to the bathroom - so you go - and you can go after... Everybody's gonna get a chance... Everybody's gonna get a chance to use the phone... Let's just take it a step at a time. Sonny now turns toward Mulvaney. Howard lies down, head on jacket, in the vault. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Now, you -- what's your name? MULVANEY Mulvaney... SONNY You and me are checking the other ways in and out. Sal takes a position where he can cover the door and also the girls and Howard. NEW ANGLE as Sonny and Mulvaney move toward the rear of the bank. SONNY Let's go to the back door. (referring to Howard) How'd that guy get to be a guard? MULVANEY Well, they go to guard school. SONNY To what... learn how to shoot? They don't get a gun. MULVANEY They make $105 a week to start. They fold the flag, check the place out in the morning. I don't know what they learn, Sonny. At some point in their move toward the rear door, Sylvia exits the Ladies' room and moves back toward the group. MULVANEY Here we are... the back door. They look at it. It is big, black, steel and seems solid. Sonny tests it. SONNY They could shoot the lock... I want to block it, so if they try comin' here, we're gonna hear it. Here, you pull on that side. (puts gun aside) He has found a big office machine, a Xerox or whatever, which he now starts to push toward the door. On the opposite side, Mulvaney starts to pull it toward the door. It's very heavy and they have to strain to budge it at all. Meanwhile: SONNY You got kids? MULVANEY I got two kids... and I'd like to see them again. SONNY Ah, I know! You're being very cooperative. I got no complaint against you whatever; you got bank insurance? Mulvaney has removed his suit jacket. MULVANEY You know I do. You seem to know a lot about bank procedure. Sonny laughs and pushes the machine. Mulvaney pulls from the opposite side. SONNY Don't ask me questions. I got connections. You find out who I am, you're cold meat. MULVANEY I don't care who you are... (shove) I just want to get you outta here, safe, right? SONNY What if I take you with me? MULVANEY (stopping to rest for a beat, thinking) If you take anybody, please take me. SONNY They'll shoot you; the fucking cops'll shoot you... they don't give a damn. In spite of that bank insurance. You see what they did in Attica, they shot everybody, the hostages, prisoners, cops, guards, forty-two people they killed, the innocent with the guilty. They have the machine almost to the door now, with Mulvaney almost pinned between the machine and the door. He eases himself out. Looks at the gun, then at Sonny, then they shove the machine against the door. Sonny then gives Mulvaney his jacket to put on again. SONNY Anyway, I'm not gonna take you. I'm gonna take one of the girls, a married one with a couple of kids. The cops don't like it in the papers when they kill a mother, especially if she's got young kids. Finished with the task, Sonny takes his gun and with Mulvaney, they start to cross back toward Sal and the rest of the group. SONNY You're just a nice guy, Mr. Mulvaney. Only don't fuck around with me, you know what I mean? MULVANEY I don't fool around with you. Mulvaney crosses back to his desk and sits down. At this point, all the phones are off the hooks. EXT. (AERIAL) ANGLE FROM INT. POLICE HELICOPTER (OVER BANK) As it banks steeply we can see past Pilot to bank, and cops around car. We see a small crowd being held back by a few police still setting up barricades. It is the first indication of the crowd event it became. It also sets the geography for us, but very quickly another copter swims into view and the two circle each other. The other copter -- only feet away -- is a TV news helicopter, with a big camera sticking out the open door on our side. It is turned down by the Cameraman to focus on the bank. A COP in the police helicopter yells through his bullhorn at the TV Cameraman. BULLHORN COP This is a restricted area. You are flying in a restricted area... The TV Cameraman swivels his camera up to focus on the Cop, and as the lens hits us dead center... INT. APARTMENT NEAR BANK Though an open window a fire escape can be seen and beyond it an angle of street and the bank. Near the window in a corner is a TV set, and on the TV set we are seeing the shot of the police helicopter and the Cop yelling on the bullhorn as seen from the TV copter. A couple of Elderly Men are sitting watching the TV set, ignoring the bank, which they can see in the flesh, as it were. Outside we are HEARING the copters, and on the TV set likewise, and the voice of the Announcer. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) ...police as yet have made no contact with the bank robbers who are locked in the bank... There is a HAMMERING at the door, and the men at the TV set barely have time to look around before several burly Cops wearing flak vests and helmets and carrying sniper rifles with telescopic slights move through the room, ignoring the men. They move out onto the fire escape, a couple going up higher, settling themselves down to aim in their rifles on the front of the bank. A lot of AD LIB dialogue, but what we note is the Cops, as a man, take a look at themselves on the TV. EXT. BANK - DAY The FRAME is full of cop faces... tough, mesomorphic faces with a layer of fat under the skin, increasing as age. They have the look of cops: alert, curious, weighing. They are city cops; they don't have that old-fashioned condemnatory expression, there is an element of playfulness in their nature -- the fact is they love their work, which is criminals. There is a peculiar delight in ferreting out the criminal impulse in everybody, and a matching fury in punishing it -- which is the action of repressing their own strongly developed criminal unconscious. These are tense, funny, violent, and rigidly controlled men. MORETTI is an old-line cop, a lot more relaxed than the younger men and the cold professionals of the FBI, who as a group resemble astronauts, and like them hide (but do not deny) the psychic chaos underneath. Right now they are looking at the sky. We HEAR a heavy helicopter track. We feature SHELDON, the silver-haired FBI Agent-in-Charge, who looks like an accountant, and Moretti, with hat and cigar, and a face out of Warner Brothers movies of the Forties. In spite of Sheldon's age, Moretti plays though he's a smart kid who still needs a little help. Sheldon is getting out of a gray car, wears a gray suit. Three men with him are carbon copies of him at younger ages. The three hang around him. They approach Moretti who looks at them without moving. MORETTI (to no one) Here comes the FBI. (to Sheldon) You men lookin' for protection? We got all the police right here. SHELDON Why didn't you just wait and try to take 'em out there in the street? Moretti looks at him, cheerfully sarcastic. MORETTI I made an error in judgment. I thought the sons of bitches would be overwhelmed with remorse at the sight of a police officer. And you know somethin'? Nobody has said hostage yet. Unnastan? They are moving past Cops on the corner heading toward a small barbershop across the street from the bank. We now sense the growing crowd, standing quietly, just staring not yet knowing what's going on. NEW ANGLE From down the street come a group of odd-looking men in suits, carrying all kinds of electric junk: The NEW REPORTERS. They run heavily, sweating martinis and cigarette smoke... they run up to Moretti and Sheldon, who walk along, trying not to catch an eye. MOVING SHOT - MORETTI AND SHELDON AMONG NEWSMEN. VOICES How many in the bank? Have they got hostages? Any shots exchanged? (Etc., AD LIB) MORETTI No, we don't know that yet. This young fella without the hat is FBI. I'm Detective Sergeant Eugene Moretti ... M-O-R-E-double-T-I. Eugene. I don't give a shit, but my wife cries if you spell it wrong. They have arrived at the barber shop where Moretti fights his way inside. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY A COP is talking on the wall phone as MORETTI, BAKER, etc. are trying to get inside. COP ...no, just get hold of Al, tell him to get the catering truck over to 26th and Avenue B, there's a bank robbery in progress and big crowd. Big! Tell him to bring ice cream -- I got to hang up. He hangs up and immediately begins thumbing through a POCKET PHONE BOOK. Throughout this Cop is engaged in personal business on the fringe of this affair, and though he's on duty he hardly knows what's happening on the robbery. He's trying to get his brother-in-law with the ice cream truck down here, etc. Moretti has got the crowd cleared back, so that now we SEE why this has been chosen as a tactical command post. From here, while talking on the phone, Moretti can see the bank, and through the uncurtained door he can even see some distance inside. Moretti picks up the phone. MORETTI (to phone cop) You get the phone company? PHONE COP It's being set up... this phone'll be a direct line into the bank. Moretti is already dialing. The phone is answered. INT. BANK - DAY (Re Moretti's 3rd conversation on phone with Sonny.) The group inside the bank have now been waiting approximately twelve minutes since anything last happened. Sonny is seated at Mulvaney's desk, all the phones off the hooks. The rest of the group is huddled around the vault area where Sal is keeping his eye on them. Suddenly, Sonny jumps up and puts all the receivers back on the hooks, crossing back to sit at Mulvaney's desk again. PHONE STARTS TO RING and Sonny picks it up. MORETTI Okay, you're in there and we're out here. What do we do now? SONNY I told you -- keep away. I don't know what we do now. MORETTI Awright, but I wanna talk to you. First off, we wanna know if the people in the bank are okay. SONNY They're okay. MORETTI You alone, or you got confederates? SONNY I'm not alone. MORETTI How many you got in there? SONNY I got Sal. MORETTI Sal? What's that for? Salvatore? SONNY Sal. He's the killer. We're Vietnam veterans so killing don't mean anything to us, you understand? A cop passing by presses a portable two-way radio into Moretti's hand: He accepts it and holds as though he expected it. The Cop passes the same type of set to certain other officers. These sets are tuned in to each other, and throughout the movie, there is a constant background talk on these sets. This is police procedure; the orders are for everyone to talk about everything. If anyone has a question, has heard a rumor or a sound, whatever, it is immediately responded to, so that there can be the fewest possible surprises. Sample dialogue might go: "Did I hear a shot?" "Over here, by the bank, there was a report like a gunshot, inside." "Roger, we heard that from the barbershop... it was inside the bank." "Barbershop, you can see inside?" "Roger, we heard from the barbershop... it was inside the bank." "Barbershop, you can see inside?" "Roger, this is the barbershop, we see inside, the perpetrator is moving toward the rear of the bank." "Who's that guy walking through the barricade?" "The blue suit?" "Yeah." "Off-duty Inspector come down to see can you use him." Etc. They really do use the word Perpetrator, Felon, etc. The Cop handing out radios makes Moretti sign for it -- which Moretti does during the following: MORETTI Right -- got ya. Okay, so there's you -- what's your name? SONNY What do you want to know that for? MORETTI Give me a name, any name, just so I got somethin' to call you. SONNY Call me Sonny-boy. MORETTI Sonny-boy, one word? SONNY One word. You won't find it in the phone book. MORETTI Listen, Sonny... can I call you Sonny for short? SONNY Call me whatever you want. MORETTI Okay, Sonny, I want to see if the people in the bank are okay, then what I want to do is work out a way to get them out of there. I want to come over there, without a gun... and you can frisk me. So you can see you can trust me. So we can talk and find a way outta this mess. SONNY I frisk you? MORETTI You frisk me. SONNY Right -- I'm with you, buddy. MORETTI I'd like just some sign I can trust you too, Sonny. I don't want to trust my body out where you could just shoot me. Some sight... right? SONNY Sure... like... I'm not gonna shoot you. MORETTI How about letting the people out of the bank. Why put them in this position? SONNY They're what's keeping me alive. You think you're dealing with an idiot? Talk to me then. MORETTI Okay, give us the women. SONNY Oh, no... Women is all we got. MORETTI You're all one way! I'm bein' reasonable with you; give me somethin'... Give me one of them, anyway... Just one... SONNY So -- you want me to send one out there... Okay. I'll see what I can do. Sonny hangs up and moves over to Sal. The rest of the group has been trying to make out what's being said at the other end of the conversation. SONNY (to Sal) He wants one. SAL Dead or alive? SONNY Alive. Now Sonny looks at the group. SONNY Okay... who's gonna go first? Mulvaney now stands up at his desk, looks over at the group near the vault. They look back at him, waiting for some instructions. MULVANEY It's up to you ladies. SYLVIA Howard! They are now unified. Sonny whispers something to Sal. SONNY To show that we're negotiating. SAL All right... send them the guard. SONNY All right... let's go. Sylvia takes Howard by the arms and starts to lead him toward the front door. Sal watches as they move toward front door. SAL Cover her, Sonny. Sonny moves with them toward the front door, his gun aimed at them during the walk. Finally they arrive, and Howard moves toward the door by himself. But the door is obviously locked. SYLVIA He needs the keys. Sonny gives her the keys. SAL (from the rear) Only one, Sonny. Sonny covers Sylvia as she moves to unlock the front door for Howard. SYLVIA Go along, Howard. ANGLE OUTSIDE DOOR As Howard is pushed out the door by Sylvia, a cop from a nearby car rushes up to him and shoves him to a curbside car where he bends Howard over the car, putting his hands behind him for handcuffs and starts to frisk him. HOWARD'S POV - QUICK CUTS About 100 weapons ranging from machine guns to hand guns to sniper rifles are whipped up and pointed straight at his chest and head. The effect is as though he is about to be blown entirely away. ANGLE ON THE BARBER SHOP Moretti rushes out, screaming to the cop with Howard. MORETTI Don't fire! THE RADIO NETWORK SCREAMS RADIO VOICES Did he say fire? What fire? Do we fire or what? Who fired? (Etc.) VARIOUS COPS Confusion reigns. They don't know if the perpetrator or not, since they haven't yet seen Sal or Sonny. Guns are up, aimed, being pushed down... Cops run for better vantage points. ANGLE ON HOWARD as Moretti reaches him. He pulls the cop away from him and starts to give him hell for the rough treatment being given the guard. ANGLE IN DOOR OF BANK With Sylvia in doorway, staring wildly at the street scene. Sonny is beside her covering her with his rifle. SYLVIA My God! That's Howard! We voted to send him out! VARIOUS ANGLES as the cops slowly realize their mistake. They stand back from Howard, who is virtually catatonic with fear and shock now. They get him up, a reluctant to believe they could have made such a mistake... ANGLE ON TV CAMERAMAN Near barber shop, across the street, jockeying, trying to focus in on him, elbowing each other, they yell out: CAMERAMAN Hey! Come out, get in the light. Hey, out where we can get a shot, huh? Who's the black guy? (etc. AD LIBS) LOW ANGLE - HELICOPTER (TO AND FROM) swings in over street to try for a shot. Howard is being taken in the direction of the barber shop. MORETTI to Cops. MORETTI Get him outta here! DOOR OF BANK Sonny back in the shadows with Sylvia, looking at Moretti, appalled. ON MORETTI Behind him a mob scene. Howard is being led away, weeping. Photographers, cops, a phalanx of cops have their weapons levelled on Sonny like a firing squad. It is right on the edge of violence... of blowing up. Sonny and Sylvia are in the shelter of the doorway, Moretti stands on the sidewalk, looking toward Sonny inside the bank. MORETTI Sonny - come out here a minute. At this point, he removes his jacket and drops it to the ground, showing Sonny that he is unarmed. SONNY You got these cops outta here. They're comin' in too close. MORETTI Come on. I want you to see something. SONNY You want me to give up, huh? Look, Sal's in back with the girls. Anything happens to me - one move - and Sal gives it to them. Boom boom. How do I know you won't jump me? MORETTI I don't forget about Sal and the boom boom room. I want you to see this. Sonny turns back to tell Sal he's going outside. Moretti stands well out in the street, to reassure Sonny nobody is going to try to jump him. Sonny stares around; he nudges Sylvia out ahead of him. As they edge into sight of the Media across the street: NEWSMEN AND PHOTOGRAPHERS Out in the light. Hey, Lady! You're on TV, Lady! Smile, any... god damn thing... ANGLES - SHOWING CROWDS straining against police lines: this is where we begin to sense the size of the event. People are eating popsicles and ice cream. They are diverted and excited. Sonny and Sylvia begin to emerge: CATCALLS and HOOTS of greeting... CLOSER - SONNY AND SYLVIA as he looks around, and the impact of his situation really hits him: he's not only totally surrounded, he's an event. Some of the crowd CHEER him. An army of Cops, and guns all levelled on Sonny. MORETTI Let Sal come out, take a look. What hope you got? Quit while you're ahead. All you got is attempted robbery. SONNY ...armed robbery... MORETTI Well, armed, then. Nobody's been hurt. Release the hostages, nobody is gonna worry over kidnapping charges, the worst you're gonna get is five years -- you can be out in a year. Sonny stares at him, his face utterly blank. SONNY Kiss me. Moretti stops, stares back. MORETTI What? SONNY (deadpan) When I'm bein' fucked, I like to be kissed a lot. (bursting out) Who the fuck are you tryin' to con me into some deal? You're a city cop, where's the FBI? This is a federal offense, I got kidnapping, armed robbery, they're gonna bury me! You know it, you can't talk for them, you're some flunky pig tryin' to bullshit me. Now God damn it, get somebody in charge here to talk to me! MORETTI Calm down, you're not... SONNY Calm down... look at this, look at him...! Gestures at the cops, the wall of rifles and machine guns levelled on him. It is incredible and terrifying... SONNY (continuing) They wanna kill me so bad they can taste it! He takes a defiant step into the street. The crowd SCREAMS as they get their first view, which is of Sonny telling the Cops off. They don't need to hear the words, they can see it. SONNY (screaming) Attica! Attica! Go ahead! Blow off the front of the whole God damn bank! He holds his hands wide offering himself as a target to the hulking officer. SONNY (to the TV) If it wasn't for you guys they'd kill everybody and say it was me and Sal. (to Moretti) You tell 'em to put the guns down. I can't stand it. He means it. Moretti gestures to the officers to back away, lower the guns. The crowd YELLS: Sonny has beat the Cops. He is momentarily their hero. It's a breaking point. Moretti makes a decision. MORETTI (Cop language command to put gun away) All right - put the guns down! He has to YELL it twice before the Cop slowly, angrily, stuffs the gun into his holster. SOUND: The crowd screams. ON SONNY hearing the Crowd APPLAUSE. He turns and grins and waves to them. They SCREAM more. He turns and waves to the media. They've been YELLING. MEDIA Hey, over here! Give us a wave! It is at this point that newsman leans out a window of the second floor of the bank, quickly lowering a mike boom. Sylvia sees this above her head. ON MORETTI unhappy, looking around at Sheldon, who shrugs. He did what he had to do. ON SONNY Suddenly realizing what control he has, enjoying it. He turns mockingly his left and his right profile to cameras. INT. TENEMENT HALLWAY A FAT WOMAN runs heavily, stumbling, a delighted grin on her face, up the stairs PAST CAMERA, yelling to someone unseen upstairs. FAT WOMAN Vi! Oh, Jesus. Vi! Turn on the TV, turn the TV on, you can see it's him. INT. VI'S APARTMENT - DAY Small, jammed with little things of sentimental value and cheap furniture, clean, but well-worn. VI, a small woman in her fifties, with a perpetual smile, and the sweating Fat Woman trot in, just as Vi's HUSBAND, a dour man in his fifties, is exiting. FAT WOMAN ...I swear to God it looked just like him! He hesitates in the doorway as the two women rush to the TV which is already on, the station showing live coverage of the bank robbery. On SCREEN, Sonny can be seen ordering the cops around. Moretti looks furious. ON THE TV SET VI (as the recognizes Sonny) Oh, My God in Heaven! TV NEWSMAN ...the robber, whose identity is not known, came out of the bank, with a hostage, Mrs. Sylvia Ball... FAT WOMAN (proud) Did I tell you? He looks good! IMAGE OF SYLVIA ON TV VI What's he doin' this for? He didn't tell me he needed money. He would of told me. TV NEWSMAN ...Mrs. Ball, is everyone all right in the bank? HUSBAND Why rob a bank when you got a sucker for a mother? SYLVIA Oh, yeah, the one girl was cryin', but we're havin' a ball, so far, if just nobody shoots... VI Why didn't he tell me? NEWSMAN What about the man inside the bank? What is he doing? HUSBAND I just hope he gives the wrong name. He reaches for TV to turn it off. Vi stops him. SYLVIA Sal? He never talks, only goes: 'Sonny, you want me to shoot that one, this one.' HUSBAND Is that all there is -- that little bastard down there in the bank? TV NEWSMAN Mrs. Ball, do you think they might shoot, if they get desperate? VI You got money for the subway? SYLVIA Hey, wait, he's goin' back in. (she turns OUT OF PICTURE) FAT WOMAN Subway! It's a special occasion -- take a cab, for God's sake! NEW IMAGE Sonny returning toward bank. EXT. BANK - DAY TWO SHOT - SONNY AND MORETTI as they shake hands. As Sonny starts into the bank first, he holds the door open, waiting for Sylvia. In the meantime, the 2nd-floor media man yells down to her. SYLVIA (looking up toward them) I gotta go now. MEDIA (2ND FLOOR) Hey, lady... you're out now. Stay out! Sonny, waiting patiently, holds door open for her. SYLVIA They're my girls. They need me in there. And she walks through the door past Sonny and into the bank. Moretti yells up at the media to get the hell away and at the same time, turns to a nearby cop and gives orders for the air conditioning to be turned off inside the bank. As the crowd realizes what has happened, they APPLAUD and SCREAM. At the door: ANGLE IN BANK DOOR as Sonny turns to grin and wave back at crowd. CUT TO: INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny and Sylvia walk into bank and head for the group at the rear. Mulvaney is seated at his desk, but the rest of the girls are standing around the vault area. Sylvia heads for the girls as Sonny walks toward Sal. SYLVIA Hey, girls -- I was on television... MULVANEY (to passing Sonny) What about Howard? Sonny makes reassuring gesture to let him know Howard is safe. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Turn on the TV. Mulvaney turns on the TV set. In the meantime, Sylvia has reached the other girls. GIRLS What happened? And Sylvia begins to recount the events out on the street, mainly about herself as a television celebrity. ANGLE ON TV SET as we see the image of a TV NEWSMAN across the street. Then, as his director CUTS, we will see on the TV set an ANGLE ON THE BANK AS SEEN FROM ACROSS THE STREET. The TV Cameraman ZOOMS and the TV image ZEROES IN through the door to show a partially-screened but quite clear image of Sonny, talking to Sal. SONNY (to Sal) The whole media is out there... it looks a lot better for us than it did before... ON SAL absorbing this... TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) We can see the robbers inside the bank, and we're trying now to establish contact. THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING. TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) We're on the telephone to the bank manager, Patrick J. Mulvaney... Mister Mulvaney... Mulvaney answers the phone. MULVANEY'S VOICE (V.O.) Yes, I can hear you. SONNY serious, nodding to Sal. TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) Can you put the robber on the phone? Will he talk to us? MULVANEY'S VOICE (V.O.) You wanna talk to him... Sonny... Sonny turns, trying to understand... NEW ANGLE SONNY What? MULVANEY The TV... they want to talk to you... He holds out the phone. Sonny walks over to him and takes the receiver. On the TV screen, we can see him doing this. SONNY (into phone) Yeah? Who's this? WABC TV NEWSMAN Sir, you're on the air. I wonder if you'd answer a few questions. SONNY (to Sal) Hey, Sal... (to phone) Sure. TV NEWSMAN Why are you doing this? SONNY Doing what? TV NEWSMAN Robbing a bank. SONNY I don't know... It's where they got the money. I mean, if you want to steal, you go to where they got the money, right? Jenny now edges over and sits on top of Edna's desk. TV NEWSMAN But I mean, why do you need to steal? Couldn't you get a job? SONNY Get a job doing what? You gotta be a member of a union, no union card - no job. To join the union, you gotta get the job, but you don't get the job without the card. TV NEWSMAN What about, ah, non-union occupations? SONNY Like what? Bank teller? What do they get paid - (now looks over at girls who offer the information - $135.37) they pay one hundred thirty-five dollars and thirty-seven cents to start. I got a wife and kids. I can't live on that -- You want to live on that? What do you make a week? TV NEWSMAN (swiftly, evasive) I'm here to talk to you, Sonny, not... SONNY Wait a minute... I'm talkin' to you. I'm askin' you a question... TV NEWSMAN The audience is interested in you, Sonny... not me. SONNY Yeah! We're hot entertainment, right? You got me and Sal on TV... we're entertainment you sell, right? TV NEWSMAN You're news, Sonny... SONNY How much you have to pay an entertainer to fill this slot? TV NEWSMAN Newsman, not... SONNY Okay, newsman. How much you make a week? (beat) You're not talkin'. You payin' me? What have you got for me? We're givin' you entertainment... what are you givin' us? TV NEWSMAN What do you want us to give you? You want to be paid for... SONNY I don't want to be paid. I'm here with Sal and eight other people... and we're dyin'! They're gonna blow our guts out, man! You're gonna see our brains onna sidewalk! How's that for all you shut-ins and housewives to look at! You gonna help, or you just put it on instead of AS THE WORLD TURNS? We're dyin' here! What have you got for me? TV NEWSMAN You could give up. SONNY Oh yeah? Give up? You ever been in prison? TV NEWSMAN Of course not... SONNY Then talk about somethin' you fuckin' know about... At that instant, the TV screen switches to a PLEASE STAND BY card and we hear an announcer's voice over: ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, our transmission has been temporarily interrupted. Please stand by. Sonny hangs up the phone, looks at Mulvaney, puzzled at the outcome of the conversation. SONNY Why the hell did he do that? What the hell did I do? MULVANEY I guess he didn't appreciate your use of language. They don't speak that way on television. It's a rule. Do you realize you've cut off a valuable source of communication? Sonny now moves over to Sal. SONNY Okay, Sal... what do we do? SAL (no answer) SONNY I figure maybe we can get the FBI to make a deal... SAL What kind of a deal? SONNY Maybe we can get outta this thing alive... get 'em to drop the kidnapping charges... SAL What do you mean? You talkin' about coppin a plea? SONNY (starts to speak, but Sal interrupts) SAL ...because if you're talking about coppin' a plea, I'm tellin' you right now, there's no deal... I'm never going back to prison... We got our own deal already... Do you remember the pact we made? You and me and Jackie - that night in the bar... we were talkin' about if we get trapped in the bank, what are you gonna do... Right? What did we say? What did we say! SONNY We'd kill ourselves. SAL Does that still go? PHONE RINGS. SONNY We're not there yet. PHONE CONTINUES TO RING. Sonny now walks over to the ringing phone on Edna's desk. Jenny, sitting on top of the desk, thinks the call is from her husband, starts to reach for it but as she does, Sonny grabs it away from her. SONNY You're on the phone! 1ST CRANK (V.O.) Kill them all. Now. It's a heavy adhesive voice that can be heard clearly throughout the bank. SONNY Kill them all now? You fuckin' creep! Don't call here again! Sonny slams down the receiver, looks around at the group. SONNY You see what we're dealing with? They want me to kill all of you! MULVANEY What now, Sonny? SONNY Wait a minute... I've been looking at this all wrong... Let's look at it the other way... He crosses over to Sal. SONNY Look, we gotta get a jet outta here... outta the country. We gotta get a helicopter. Okay, Sal? We get a helicopter on the roof to take us to the jet and we fly to the sunny Caribbean. Algeria. We got to look at the bright side. We got 'em by the balls, we got the hostages, we can get anything we want. They gotta give it to us. Edna exits ladies room as Sonny crosses back to the phone, picks it up. SONNY (into phone) Get me Moretti. Now Sonny turns and speaks to the group. SONNY We're all gonna get outta here. You're all gonna be all right. I'm gonna ask for a helicopter and a jet... and we're gonna get outta here alive... You've all been all right with me and as long as it stays that way, then things are gonna be all right - as long as you cooperate... (into phone) Moretti, I want to talk to you. I'm comin' out. Sonny slams the phone down and walks over to Sal, rifle still in his hands. SONNY You realize, Sal, that we're gonna get outta the country, so if you wanna talk to somebody, do it now... You gotta Mother or a Father? Friends? (Sal nods no) If we gotta be outside the country, where do you wanna go? Any country. Just name a country. SAL Wyoming. SONNY (stopped for a moment) Wyoming... That's not out of the country -- that's in the United States... Look, I'll be back. Sonny starts to walk toward the door. As he does, Sal calls back to him. SAL Sonny! Gimme the gun. You don't need that. Sonny realizes what he's saying and crosses back to Sal and hands him the gun, then moves toward the front door. EXT. BANK - DAY Much as before. Sonny steps out. The guns start to come up. SONNY Put them down. The Cops lower their weapons. Moretti comes out on the sidewalk. He's eating an ice cream bar, and stands seemingly at ease, an island of calm control in a storm of passion about to be let loose. The Cops are always about to explode. MORETTI Sonny, ya want somethin'? Sonny is about to open his mouth when a medium-size dark- haired Man who has been standing among people behind the barriers puts his head down and runs at astonishing speed right across the street towards Sonny. He catches everybody so by surprise he is already on Sonny before anyone can do more than start to yell at him to stop. Sonny, himself, can't believe it! He is slammed to the ground and the Man begins to punch him and beat him viciously. Cops charge in and with great difficulty pull him off. YELLING on the radio network; TV Reporters and the crowd up and SCREAMING for blood! CLOSE ANGLE as Moretti steps in. Sonny gets up, dazed. The Man goes on kicking and fighting Cops... MORETTI Who the hell is that? ANGLE SHOWING DOOR OF BANK Mulvaney stands in the door... MORETTI (to Maria's boy friend) Hey! What the fuck you tryin' to do? You don't think the whole police department can do the job? MARIA'S BOY FRIEND I think he's got Maria in there, and I see blood, man! I wanta jam him up... MORETTI Jesus, the Spanish! You gotta do it yourself, right? Eye for an eye! Go wan get outa here, we'll take care of her. (turns to Sonny) You okay, Sonny? Boy, he hung a couple good ones on you there! MULVANEY (from door; alarmed) Sal wants to see Sonny. He says he'll shoot unless he can see Sonny. He means Sal. Sonny, dazed and bleeding, reels to the door and calls in... Sal now stands alone behind 3rd pillar. SONNY It's okay, Sal. He turns back to face Moretti, Sylvia, Mulvaney. SONNY (continuing; hurt, wondering) He wanted to kill me! MORETTI It's okay, you got a lot of protection. CLOSE - SONNY Looking around, bewildered, the crowd is YELLING and now it sounds unfriendly. He is really shaken up... He shakes himself -- stops that line and starts over in a business- like tone. SONNY I want a helicopter to get outa here! And a jet to take us to... (cagey) ...wherever we want to go. Outa the country, so no little jets. A big one with a bar and a piano lounge. MORETTI I don't know, Sonny. I don't know if the helicopters can land in here. I'll have to check it out. I got superiors, unnerstan? They don't always see eye to eye with me. I'll do what I can. Sonny looks him in the eye. Suddenly he makes kissing motions and sounds with his lips. We know what he's referring to: he thinks Moretti's trying to fuck him over. MORETTI (continuing) Sonny, be reasonable! SONNY I want to see my wife. I want you to bring her down here. MORETTI Okay, what do you give me? SONNY What do you want? MORETTI The girl hostages. SONNY Nothin' doin'. I give you one hostage when you bring my wife, and one for the helicopter, one for the jet, and the rest can come home on the jet. MORETTI (kiss) I'll see what they'll do. Sonny smiles and pantomimes kissing. MORETTI Okay, you pick out who you're gonna give us. Where's your wife? EXT. ROCKAWAY BEACH - DAY There's Heidi. Her body lies exactly as before, baking in the sun. The transistor RADIO plays... she seems to be asleep... RADIO ...the leader of the pair, a Vietnam veteran, Sonny Abramowicz, has demanded in return for releasing one of the hostages that police allow his wife to visit him at the bank. Police spokesman... Heidi sits bolt upright, stares at the radio, which continues to blather on. Abruptly she begins to gather up her things, her children, in a characteristically scatter-brained and hyperactive sort of way. Heidi is a one woman panic: she hustles away across the broiling sand carrying the radio wadded up in towels, and lugging a child, crying helplessly, by one elbow, as though it were a handle, a silhouette against the late afternoon sun, out of Fellini... meanwhile on the SOUND TRACK we are hearing her voice. It is a breathless, harsh childish voice that pours out the words in a torrent: HEIDI (V.O.) The transistor goes Sonny what? I couldn't believe my ears, so I shut the transistor, get outta here, who needs this? I say Sonny didn't do it. It's not him to rob a bank. It's not him to hurt anybody, to threaten anybody, to steal or do anything wrong. 'Cause he's never done nothin' wrong from the day I know him. She is stumping off into the sunset as she says these words and we CUT TO: EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - DAY Out of a subway crowd, she struggles, pulling the two kids by the hand, a very ordinary woman in a most ordinary New York scene... HEIDI (V.O.) ...Only he tells me this and he tells me that, he's with the Mafia, I say, Sonny, where do you get the money, you're on welfare, how can you rent a new Eldorado, red, you don't like the color you rent a yellow. EXT. HEIDI'S APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY A working class block, dirty, shops in the first floor, three story walk-ups above... Heidi appears and runs up the stoop. TWO COPS get out of a squad car where they've been staked out and move up to her. They never really get in a word edgewise. They follow her into the hall... Now as we CUT CLOSER to her, we will SEE Heidi's mouth in SYNC with the words... HEIDI So night before last we're at Coney Island, he's on the rides with the kids, an' I have this habit of goin' in glove compartments an' all, an' I see... INT. HALL - DAY Heidi struggles up the stairs, dragging the kids -- the cops following... HEIDI this gun with bullets in there, an' I go to myself, oh God, Sonny! That's all I had to see, I didn't say anything. She's got her door unlocked. Below and on the stairs behind the Cops, curious neighbors peer in... INT. HEIDI'S APARTMENT - DAY Chaos out of cut-rate furniture stores. Full of unwashed glasses, kids' clutter. Throughout, the children rush around unchecked. Neighbors enter without ceremony and listen. The Cops stand, trying vainly to communicate... As they enter... HEIDI (continuing) And things are adding in my head, how crazy he's been acting, and in with a bad crowd, an' I look at him, he's yellin' at the kids like a madman. So inna car I said to him, Sonny, what you gonna do with the gun? You gonna shoot me and dump my body inna river or what? I was so scared of him, I never been scared of Sonny never. You know, his mother says the cops was always at our house, we was always fighting. I hit him with the jack in the car once, but I only missed and hit myself, you should of seen my leg. And all he would ever do is put on his coat and go out. So they say it's Sonny but I don't believe it. COP 1 Lady, you saw him. You saw his gun. HEIDI He might of done it, his body functions might of done it, but not he himself. INT. BANK - LATE AFTERNOON - APPROX. 5 PM The group is now situated like this: 1) MULVANEY'S DESK - the TV is on; seated in his chair, filing her nails is MIRIAM. Seated to her left, having pulled the chair a patron uses, is MARIA, watching TV and listening to her transistor radio, against her left ear, at the same time. MULVANEY (at back water cooler - will eventually move back to his desk, sit down to Miriam's right.) 2) EDNA - is now behind the Tellers' cages, straightening up the mess; she picks up the loose money that Sonny had scattered thru the air, puts them into packets and ties them with rubber bands. 3) SAL - is seated in the rear Conference room, still holding his rifle, feet up on the table. 4) MULVANEY & DEBORAH - at the rear water cooler (from which she will move to see what's wrong with Margaret) 5) MARGARET - seated at her desk, obviously ill, wiping her forehead, head bowed. 6) SYLVIA and JENNY - at far right table, doing a crossword puzzle. 7) SONNY - pacing back and forth Mulvaney's desk, posing a legal puzzle for Maria. Sonny, his gun now lying across the top of Mulvaney's desk, is pacing back and forth between the desk areas. He's talking to Maria in particular, but anyone in earshot in general. SONNY Let's say I put a gun to your head and I tell you to kill a cop... and you did. Who'd go to the electric chair... you or me? MARIA You would... you told me to do it. SONNY But you shot him. MIRIAM (joining in) But you told her to. SONNY Yeah - But you did it. Deborah crosses to Margaret who is ill. Deborah goes to Sylvia - who returns with her her to Margaret. It should begin getting dark in through here. It is very hot and sweaty in the bank. OPEN SCENE ON: CLOSE MULVANEY ON PHONE He is sweating, worried. He is listening to a conversation we can HEAR... as it goes on SHOT WIDENS to reveal the others in various postures of waiting. Sal more disheveled, Sonny's restlessness is unabated; he paces about like a caged animal. The voice on the phone is breathy and youthful: Sonny has been listening for a long time. JESUS FREAK (V.O.) Jesus Christ is coming back and he's really pissed. SONNY (gently) Yeah, well I don't blame him. JESUS FREAK (V.O.) You know, Sonny, I used to dope a lot, and I was into dipping? And I did a couple bank jobs, and the Lord Jesus in his everlasting mercy saved me, you know how? Sonny is desperate to get off the phone but doesn't dare risk the wrath of God by hanging up on this guy. He might have the secret after all. SONNY No. Look, we're kind of.... JESUS FREAK (V.O.) That's why I can talk to you, as an equal, Sonny. You got to merge your whole soul with God. And then you are Him and one with the Holy Ghost. SONNY Yeah, well... maybe you better talk to one of these others, okay? JESUS FREAK (V.O.) Sonny? Don't send me away! I can help you save your soul ... Sonny hangs up. Deborah moves to Margaret, who is ill. She goes to tell Sylvia who immediately crosses to Margaret. ANGLE ON MARGARET & SYLVIA SYLVIA The air conditioning is off or something. (Looks at Margaret) she's sick. Sonny runs around, notices her - sees that air conditioner is off. SONNY Where's the air conditioning? MULVANEY I don't know, Sonny... on the roof somewhere I guess. SONNY (improv. about going out back to find the air conditioning mechanism) Sonny moves toward Sal in the Conference room. Mulvaney follows discreetly behind him. SONNY Sal, I'm gonna take a look at the air conditioning. Sonny and Mulvaney start to move out toward the back door area. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Do you think we can turn it on? MULVANEY I don't know. At this point, Sal calls out to Sonny, and gets up to move to him. SAL Sonny - SONNY Yeah... SAL I never been up in a plane before. SONNY It's nothing - it just goes up - it's the safest thing in the world. Safer than a car. Don't worry about it, Sal - it'll be all right... they're great... And Sonny and Mulvaney exit toward rear of bank. INT. BANK - BACK DOOR AREA - LATE AFTERNOON (APPROX. 5 PM) Sonny and Mulvaney move toward the back door and stop under a trap door in the ceiling. Mulvaney looks up at it. MULVANEY It's gonna be up there. As Sonny is staring up at the trap door, thinking about what to do, he hears a tiny scratching SOUND. SONNY What's that? Sonny, tensing like an animal, peers around wildly to locate the source of the little scratching SOUND: like mice at a steel door. ON SONNY who quickly runs back toward the desk area. ON GROUP - DESKS' AREA Sonny races back in, grabs the gun from atop Mulvaney's desk, and with the cartridge in the other hand, runs back toward the back door again, jamming cartridge into rifle. At this point, Sal runs in from the Conference room, covering everyone point-blank again, yelling for Edna to join the rest of the group. SONNY (whispering) They're trying to come through the door! SAL (to Edna) Everybody! Back here! Edna quickly obeys, moving quickly to the rest of the group. ON BACK DOOR AREA as Sonny races toward Mulvaney and back door with gun. ANGLE ON MULVANEY Somebody or something is working on the other side of the door! NEW ANGLE ON SONNY as he moves back from the door, turns and levels the rifle on the back door... MULVANEY Sonny, if you shoot, shoot high... my car's parked out there. ON SONNY staring at the door. He hears the continued scratching noise and might even see the door knob move. Abruptly he swings the rifle up so the bullet going through will clearly go over the head of any man, out through the transom. He FIRES. ANGLE ON INSIDE - SAL AND GROUP They all scream, some of them falling to the floor, huddling together in terror. SONNY - AND GROUP Sonny races back into main area where Sal covers group. SAL (to group) Get over here! Get over here! EXT. BANK - REAR DOOR - LATE DAY A knot of half a dozen police are working at the door. Two were trying to work tubes under it to pump in gas, others were trying a nylon line to the doorknob, the idea being that if Sonny came out that way, the moment he began to open the door the cops would yank it open, exposing him completely and gun him down. The cops SCREAM as the SHOT comes through the door, showering them with brick fragments. They scramble over cars, over each other, over fences, running into other cops, who also, not knowing what's happening, turn and flee, running into the crowd, which panics. VARIOUS ANGLES on men, women, children, cops, detectives, dogs, cats, reporters, all in the area of the rear of the bank fleeing in waves over fences, cars, etc. A flood of people like lemmings. This is INTERCUT BY: INT. BANK 1) MARGARET fainting. 2) SAL herds group into vault area. 3) SONNY dashing back and forth into rear bank area. ANGLE ON BARBER SHOP Moretti, Sheldon, others come charging out, wondering what the hell, pulling guns out. BACK OF BANK The cops, safely distanced and back in cover, peek out at: BANK DOOR It is okay. RADIO NETWORK (V.O.) What's happening? He shot through the door. Is he coming out? Can you see in... (Etc., etc.) ON MORETTI reaches out his hand for a bullhorn that is thrust into it immediately. MORETTI (on bullhorn) Sonny! A few louts in the crowd yell out in imitation: LOUTS Sonny! MORETTI Sonny! CROWD (echoing) Sonny! Moretti shrugs off his irritation and raises the bullhorn one more time: the crowd is ready and SCREAMS in unison as Moretti says: MORETTI & CROWD Sonny! You could hear it for a half a mile! Sonny starts to yell at Moretti. SONNY (inside bank) What the hell you doin' back there? MORETTI Sonny, come on out! Sonny walks over to Sal, gives him the rifle. SONNY Sal, watch 'em... I'm goin' out. ANGLE ON BANK as Sonny comes charging out. SONNY What the fuck do you want? MORETTI They were... SONNY You tryin' to fuck me? MORETTI No, I'm not tryin' to fuck you. SONNY So, what were they doin'? You're tellin' me you had nothin' to do with that back there? MORETTI I swear to God I had nothing to do with it... SONNY Bullshit... I don't walk to talk to you... MORETTI Wait a minute... everything you asked for is on the way... SONNY Yeah... MORETTI Is on its way... The helicopter can't land but we got a bus... the jet's on its way to Kennedy... we got a bus coming here... SONNY You're full of shit... MORETTI Sonny, your wife's on the way... We reached her... your wife's on the way... everything you asked for, you got. SONNY Well, what were you doin' back there? MORETTI It can't happen again... I'll do everything I can to stop anything I can... SONNY You know, you're telling me that a helicopter can't land here... MORETTI Can't land... you'd kill people... SONNY Don't fuck with me... MORETTI I'm not... I'm not... you're gettin' a bus... you're gettin' a bus... the jet's comin' into Kennedy... and your wife's on the way... what else do you need? What else can I get you? Listen, I don't know how you can do better... see that man over there... the FBI guy... SONNY Just one more explosion like that and you're gonna see a dead body... MORETTI There won't be... there won't be... What else do you need? How else can we help you? SONNY All right... I got some hungry people in there... I want to get some pizza... some stuff like that... MORETTI What else? SONNY Cokes, seven-ups... (Moretti repeats) also some aspirin... MORETTI Aspirins... okay you got it. (turns behind him to a near-by cop) Charlie! Six pizzas! SONNY Okay... Sonny turns and walks back into the bank. INT. BANK - DAY ANGLE ON SAL WITH THE GROUP as Sonny enters and walks toward Sal. SONNY Okay... okay... all right, Sal, it's okay. I got everything straightened out... it's gonna be okay. SAL Get over there! SONNY Look, I talked to him and it's not going to be a helicopter - they can't land on top of the roof - so they're comin' with a big... limousine bus and they'll take us to the airport - and they're gonna get a jet... so things are rollin'... They're movin'... I also ordered some food... I got some pizzas for us, all right? I got some things to drink - I got sodas... I even asked them for aspirins... I'm doin' what I can... now I gotta pay for the pizza... where are the marked bills? He now walks behind Tellers' cages and picks up some of the decoy money that Edna had started to clean up and re-stack. Mulvaney walks over to him. MULVANEY Are we going to get the ball rolling? SONNY What are you talking about? What do you think I'm doin'? I'm gettin' the ball rollin'. I'm keeping these people happy... I'm keeping you happy... I gotta keep the cops cooled out... I gotta do everything... I gotta pay for the pizza .. I'm workin' on it, do you know what I mean? I'm workin' on it... Jesus Christ! I gotta do it all... I got all the ideas... you want me to give you the gun? You want to take it over? Sonny walks to the front door with the money. EXT. BANK DOOR - DAY as Sonny appears in it. NEW ANGLE TO REVEAL THE DELIVERY BOY guarded by a couple of cops. DELIVERY BOY You the guy wanted the pizza? Sonny grabs bills from the wad he holds and thrusts them at him. DELIVERY BOY It's paid for. (looks at Moretti; Moretti nods) SONNY Keep the change... As the cops reach for the money, knowing it's bank money, people in the crowd yell: CROWD AD LIBS Hey, over here! Hey, robber! How about a thousand! Throw some over here! Hey, no shit, I need an operation, I don't even have a job... (Etc.) Sonny holds up the money. The crowd cheers. He throws the wad of bills and it scatters in the air. The WIND is blowing now. Even some cops join the ensuing melee to gather it up... VARIOUS ANGLES as cops move forward and try to catch the bills. Some blow into the crowd. Fights break out in the crowd as they scramble for the money. The crowd breaks the barriers and swarms after the cash. Cops try to retrieve bills; fist fights, arrests. MORETTI staring at the mess. Sonny also watching the people. There is in both of them the same reaction of faint disgust at the greed unleashed. Sonny angrily hurls another bundle after the first... then laughs as he watches the people fighting. Moretti nods ironically at him. Sonny turns and enters the bank with the food. The fighting goes on in the street. INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny enters carrying food. SONNY Okay - Chow! He puts it down in front of Mulvaney, on Mulvaney's desk. Mulvaney looks at it, sickly. As Mulvaney looks up at Sonny: SONNY You eat it first. I don't know if they put something in it. EXT. SIDEWALK NEAR BANK - DAY Moretti, Sheldon, other top cops march fast-time toward the barrier where uniformed cops stand around a limousine that has drawn up to the barrier. It is full of white-haired officials, one of them the COMMISSIONER. He has a voice broken by whiskey, cigars, good food and yelling at football games. DOLLY AT A LOW DRAMATIC ANGLE WITH MORETTI AND ETC. It looks like they may be going into action. Moretti's attitude is not that subtly different now he's talking to brass. Commissioner doesn't get out; he talks through window. The Commissioner's hand, pudgy and freckled with age, covers Moretti's where it rests on the door: he massages Moretti's hand fondly. COMMISSIONER Gene -- you smilin'? MORETTI No. I never smile any more. COMMISSIONER Whattaya think: we gonna kill any civilians tonight, Gene? MORETTI I never make bets or guesses, that way I'm never wrong and I never have to pay out. COMMISSIONER Gene, Jesus, what a bull he is! A lot of comfortable CHUCKLES inside the limo. The Commissioner's hand lingers on Moretti's -- they are fond of each other, these men, linked in a relationship of a lifetime of shared experience, of attitudes, of maleness -- an accumulation of years of jokes about being late for dinner, of women waiting and women panting with desire, men secure in the bastion of their roles. What is being passed on here is a purely emotional force of approval and acceptance from top to bottom of a social institution that is the last totally masculine society: police. The homosexual content of this should not be lost: it lies in the comfortable fit of their feelings, in the fact, simply, that they love each other, for what they share. MORETTI So whatsa deal? COMMISSIONER They jet's comin' out. But don't let 'em off the ground. MORETTI What if we gotta kill a whole lot of people? COMMISSIONER Don't let 'em off the ground. MORETTI Listen. He leans down to get close to his commissioner, because he's not fooled by the camaraderie into a false sense of security. TIGHTER TWO SHOT - MORETTI AND COMMISSIONER COMMISSIONER (anticipating) If you're right I'm gonna back you a hundred percent, you know that. MORETTI (pleasantly) Fuck you, sir - if I'm right, I don't need you. What I want is - if I make an honest mistake I want help. The Commissioner nods - presses a button and the window goes up to keep the air conditioning in and the heat out. INT. BANK - LATE AFTERNOON - APPROX. 5 PM - MAIN BANK AREA as we hear Jenny on the phone with her husband. Sonny is doing the manual of arms with his rifle. JENNY ...well, just pick him up and hold him. No, he's not spoiled, he's just got to settle his stomach after eating. He's used to me feeding me, that's all. At one point, Sonny starts to show Miriam how to hold the gun and in mock seriousness, she tries to do the manual of arms. WE DRIFT TOWARD THE BACK CONFERENCE ROOM where Sal is seated at the Conference table, rifle on the table. Edna and Sylvia are also seated there. Maria enters. SYLVIA Somebody give me a cigarette. Maria walks over to her, offering her one, then remembers: MARIA Sylvia, you don't smoke. SYLVIA I never smoked before in my life but I got a right to start now if I want to. SAL You don't smoke... why do you want to start now. SYLVIA Because I'm scared, that's why. You never smoked? SAL I used to, but I stopped. SYLVIA You stopped? Why? SAL Because I don't want cancer. SYLVIA You don't want cancer? You're about to get your head blown off, you're worried about cancer. (to Maria) Gimme the cigarette. Maria starts to hand one to her. SAL No! I'm not kidding. Don't you understand? You're pure! SYLVIA Pure? SAL You shouldn't start now. SYLVIA For God's sake! As soon as I'm outta this bank robbery, I'm gonna stop... okay? SAL Go ahead. Do what you want to do. I hate to see you break a perfect record. You oughta take care of your body. SYLVIA My body? What for? SAL Your body is the temple of the Lord. SYLVIA (staring at him) You're serious! SAL You're really pure, you know? You got a perfect record. You never used that stuff to ruin your body, why start now? SYLVIA You know, you remind me of my 19- year-old brother - only he's got his hair down to his knees - he looks like something that eats berries and roots out of the ground. God forbid I should say something to him like, 'Listen, if you ever smoke marijuana, just remember that it's illegal' and he storms outta the house. You rob a bank, but you keep your body pure, is that it? SAL You gonna smoke the cigarette? SYLVIA Yes... Sal gets up and starts to leave the room... SYLVIA (calling to him) Sal... If I die of cancer it's going to be half your fault. Sylvia grabs the cigarette from Maria. SAL (exiting) No - it's because you're weak. Sonny continues with "Manual of Arms" business with rifle. Mulvaney is on the phone. MULVANEY (overlapping Janet into phone) Mulvaney... (listens) JANET (into phone) I don't know. MULVANEY (to Sonny) It's for you. Moretti. Sonny takes the phone... SONNY Yeah? MORETTI We're bringing in your wife... ON SONNY He comes alert, looks around at Sal, nods, and starts for the door of the bank, turns to Sal. SONNY (gives him gun) They've got my wife. They're bringing her in. He exits bank. Sal walks toward the door, stops behind the first post. EXT. FRONT OF APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY The fire escape with the old lady and her jigsaw puzzle, the flak vested snipers, etc. Below in the street a police car plows through the crowd with red lights flashing but no sirens -- or perhaps just a low growl to help move the human sea aside. People are leaning over trying to see inside. BARBER SHOP Moretti and Sheldon and staff move out into the street. The cop car is moving through police lines, cops lifting barricades aside to let it pass. MOVING SHOT with Moretti and others as they move to intercept the police car where it will stop on the corner. As they stop, we can see Sonny step into the door of the bank, in the distance. He is greeted with CHEERS from the crowd. But is intent on the car. We are NOW SHOOTING ACROSS THE CAR, OVER MORETTI'S BACK TOWARD THE BANK and Sonny. The DRIVER of the police car gets out, with a huge grin on his face and nods to Moretti. The back door opens and another cop gets out, also grinning. They look around toward Sonny, as his wife gets out of the police car, on this side. She is spectacularly good looking in a lithe cruel sort of way, like Lauren Bacall, but right now she is a mess. CUT TO: EXT. BANK as Sonny sees Leon get out of the car. SONNY Leon! Leon! Over here! Happy Birthday, Leon! ON LEON who doesn't hear Sonny calling, the detectives and Moretti start to take him to the barbershop. MORETTI (to cop driver) What's that? COP DRIVER We went to the hospital, where he told us - and asked for his wife. He... (indicates Leon) ...says they got married in a church. MORETTI Jesus! They continue along the sidewalk. Leon, coming to, starts to look around him. He sees Sonny. ON SONNY as he yells again to Leon. SONNY Leon! Happy Birthday! ON LEON who faints. FULL SHOT The crowd yelling in increasing waves of SOUND; Moretti and cops pick up Leon and rush him toward the barbershop. ANGLE ON SONNY who dashes toward the bank door, enters. INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny comes running in. Sylvia is now showing off her new-found expertise with a cigarette to Miriam, Jenny and Deborah, seated around Edna's desk. (Deborah is talking on the phone.) Meanwhile, Edna is back in the Conference Room with Mulvaney; Margaret is seated at her desk, speaking on the phone; Maria, speaking on phone, is seated at Mulvaney's desk - where television is still on. Sonny, wanting to use a phone, realizes that all are in use, rushes to a desk at the front of the bank. Sal follows him there. Sonny grabs a phone. SONNY (into phone) Get me Moretti! INT. BARBERSHOP where Moretti and cops are trying to revive Leon. A cop at the phone turns to Moretti. COP ON PHONE Moretti - he wants to talk to you. Moretti walks over to phone, takes receiver from cop. INT. BANK Sonny waiting for Moretti to answer phone. SONNY Is he all right? Is he all right? MORETTI (V.O.) He's all doped up. SONNY I want to talk to him. MORETTI (V.O.) He's groggy, Sonny. Let me get him on his feet and he'll call you back. (hangs up) INT. BARBERSHOP as Moretti hangs up phone and walks over to Leon, who now has a glass of water and a cold towel. MORETTI Leon? Whatsa matter? They give you a shot down the hospital or what? LEON Oh, God, they shot me with like unreal! MORETTI Well, you got to get hold of yourself. You got to talk to him, tell him to give himself up. LEON Oh no! MORETTI He's got eight people in there with him. He's got this kid with him... they're gonna shoot the people. LEON I can't help it. I can't stop him from anything. MORETTI If he won't listen to you, who will he listen to? LEON He won't listen to anybody. He's been very crazy all summer. Since June he's been trying to kill me. MORETTI You try calling the police? LEON What good is that? They couldn't stop him. And it'd just make him mad. They don't know him. MORETTI Somebody's got to stop him, Leon. LEON He was under great strain: you don't understand, he's a very mixed up person. MORETTI He's makin' threats in there. LEON He's scared. It's crazy. I never met anyone like him. His wife, he's a wonderful father to his children. His mother - you should see her - his mother and father together are like a bad car wreck - he lets it all slide off his back, he sees them, he pays their rent. Unbelievable. I wanted to get married... He didn't really want it... he's married already! But he did it. I don't know why. I thought it would help me, but it didn't. I was just as confused and unhappy was before; I did terrible things. MORETTI What kind of things, Leon? LEON Ten days I spent in Atlantic City - Sonny was frantic - he knew I was drinking; he didn't know where I was... who I was with. I couldn't explain why I did the things I did. So I went to this psychiatrist who explained to me I was a woman in a man's body. So Sonny right away wanted to get me money for a sex change operation: but where was he to get that? 2500 dollars! My God, he's in hock up to his ears already. MORETTI He needed money? For the operation for you? LEON It made him crazy - so much demand, he'd fly into this rages. And I got more depressed than ever; I saw I'd never get the operation. So I tried to take my life - I swallowed about a half pound of pills... blues, reds, yellows, downers, uppers, screamers... you name it. But I just threw them up and wound up in the hospital. Sonny comes there and looks at me and just says: 'Wow!' So when I hear he's in the bank, I almost go crazy because I know he's doin' it for me. MORETTI Well, don't you figure you owe to him to get him out of there? LEON I can't talk to him. MORETTI You're in it up to your ass, Leon. You're an accessory. You talk him out of there and they might be a little more understanding of your case. LEON I'm afraid. MORETTI How is he gonna hurt you on the telephone? LEON I don't know what to say to him. I can't. MORETTI You think it over, Leon. Moretti walks over to the wall phone, picks up the receiver, and waits to be connected with the bank and Sonny. ON LEON Terrified. He really can't do it. ON MORETTI waiting. OMITTED INT. BANK - TURNING DARK NOW as the phone rings. Sonny picks it up, hears Moretti's voice. MORETTI (V.O.) He won't talk to you. Let me work on it. Sonny hangs up. He and Sal walk toward the group at the rear, around the desks. ANGLE ON TELEVISION SCREEN as we see TV newsman speaking. TV NEWSMAN ...police are questioning Leon, a year-old admitted homosexual, who claims to have been married to one of the bank robbers in a ceremony last November... [etc.]... During the speech, Sylvia and her group wander toward Mulvaney's desk to listen, as Edna wanders down from the Conference Room, crosses to the set and turns up the volume. ON SONNY pacing back and forth. They all stare at him. Slowly the group shifts to other positions, without a word being said. ANGLE ON TV SCREEN TV NEWSMAN Our coverage of the Brooklyn robbery where two homosexuals are holding hostages for their demands of a helicopter, a jet, and safe passage out of the country... ANGLE ON SONNY AND SAL SAL Sonny, you hear that? SONNY What? SAL They keep sayin' two homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. I want you to stop them saying that. SONNY That's all they're interested in - it's a freak show to them. I can't control it, Sal - let'em say what they want. Forget it. It don't matter. SOUND OF JET SONNY Where's the god-damn jet? They're always flying overhead - going somewhere. OMITTED EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT FBI snipers area at positions, waiting. A small group of men make a last check. A signal is given. They get in their car and drive away. An FBI sniper lights a cigarette and settles down to wait, moving his rifle to a comfortable position. EXT. APARTMENT HOUSE FIRE ESCAPE - NIGHT The old lady dozes over her puzzle. The police agents are being relieved. Light floods the front of the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT (APPROX. 8 P.M.) Sonny paces back and forth (with ad-lib dialogue to group). Margaret, seated at her desk, has feet up on another chair while Jenny sits on top of her desk. Mulvaney is back at water cooler, starting to feel very ill. Miriam and Deborah are seated at Mulvaney's desk. Edna is seated at her desk, while Sylvia sits on top of desk, talking on phone. Suddenly, the lights go out, leaving only emergency lights on (4 in the main area and 2 at back door area). Sylvia immediately moves over toward the vault area and turns on 2 hand lamps. SAL That's it, Sonny. Both rush toward the front of the bank. They see that even the flood lights are now out, but across the street can still be seen lights in the store windows. Sonny rushes to a near- by phone to try to reach Moretti, but even the phones are dead. They hear Moretti's voice over a bull-horn outside: MORETTI (V.O.) Sonny... Sonny... Come out a minute... Come out a minute... Sonny moves toward the front door. INT. BARBERSHOP - DUSK/NIGHT Moretti and Sheldon are in the barbershop. SHELDON We're all set at Kennedy. MORETTI What makes you think you'll be able to control it? SHELDON He's totally unstable. He'll make a mistake. MORETTI He hasn't so far. I'm the one who can make a mistake. That's what scares the shit out of me. SHELDON Eugene, at 3:07, this became Federal. Why don't I take it over now? CUT TO: EXT. BANK - NIGHT as the door opens and Sonny peeks out, the once-illuminating floodlights now out. SONNY Moretti? What the fuck is goin' on? There's no answer. Sonny steps out into the street. He can't see anything anymore. The atmosphere is suddenly chillingly dangerous: the crowd SHOTS "come out of the dark" and "we can't see from here". The street seems empty except for a few threatening silhouettes of heavily-armed cops. Sonny responds with bluster. SONNY Get the lights back on! He steps out farther into the street. From behind him, SHELDON, the FBI man, approaches. He is alone. Unsmiling. Sonny dashes back into the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny rushes in, warns Sal about the FBI confrontation he's about to have. SONNY Sal - it's the FBI... I'm goin' back out to talk to him. At this, he walks back toward the door and exits the bank again. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sheldon is walking toward Sonny as the latter exits the bank. SONNY What is this? The FBI? Jesus, now we're talkin', maybe we can get this thing moving. As Sheldon reaches him. SONNY First off, get the lights back on and the air conditioning. SHELDON (showing ID) No more favors. That's all over, Sonny. SONNY (sarcastically) Aw, Jesus... you been doin' us favors all night! SHELDON I've got a jet. I'll have airport limousine here in a half hour. I want the hostages. SONNY Bullshit! SHELDON I'd like to work with you on this, not against you. Sonny comes around, looking for Moretti: can't see him. SONNY Well, Jesus, these hostages are keeping me alive. SHELDON Okay, when do I get them? SONNY At the airport. We get on the plane, check it out, and if it's all okay we'll send them out. Except one. SHELDON I want them all. SONNY I want to talk to Leon. Pause, while Sheldon thinks this over. SHELDON I want to come in, and see if everybody's okay. SONNY You got guts. You think if Sal and me have cut their throats we're gonna let you out? SHELDON I have to see. Sonny re-enters bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny goes over to Sal. SONNY It's the FBI. He wants to come in. SAL Have him walk in backwards. Sonny exits bank. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny crosses to Sheldon, grins, grabs him and executes a very professional-looking pat-down search. He removes Sheldon's .38 from a shoulder holster, producing it for the crowd with a flourish like a magician: some of the old playfulness returns for a moment. He carefully and with showbiz flourishes searches Sheldon's thighs and groin. The crowd HOWLS. Sheldon bears it with stoic calm. CLOSE TWO SHOT as Sonny stands up from the search and finds Sheldon's eyes locked to his with flat calm. SONNY Jesus, you'd like to kill me, too. SHELDON I wouldn't like to, but I will, if I have to. SONNY Nothin' personal, huh? The man that kills me, I want him to do it because he hates my guts. Not because it's a job. Okay, let's go... but you gotta walk in backwards. The move toward the door of the bank, where Sonny opens the door, preceding Sheldon, both men entering backwards. INT. BANK - NIGHT Except for the 4 emergency lights, it is very dark - and very hot as Sonny and Sheldon enter the bank. Sal now stands behind the desks, covering Sheldon and the group assembled at the vault. Sheldon takes in every detail as he walks toward the group in the rear, followed closely and covered by Sonny. As they near the desks, Sonny yells out an order for the group: SONNY Nobody give their right name... it's the FBI! SHELDON I just want to see all you young ladies are all all right in here. TWO SHOT - SYLVIA AND SAL She's pissed. SYLVIA Listen, we asked for the jet hours ago, what are you doin' out there? Sheldon is watching Sal, trying to gauge him. This is the first time anyone from outside has seen Sal. SHELDON (his eyes on Sal) It's all being set up, we'll have you out of here in a couple of hours. SYLVIA (to Sheldon) Just give them what they want. Sheldon now walks closer to group, looking into the two small examining rooms as he moves. Sonny covers him every inch of the way. SHELDON They're getting what they want. We just want to be sure we get what we want, which is to get all you ladies out safe. And you two boys, too. Sheldon is now standing very close to Sal. SAL (to Sheldon) You got to talk to the TV, tell them to stop talking about the two homosexuals. I'm not gay... that's the truth. Tell 'em that. SHELDON I will. (he turns to Sonny) Sonny? Outside for a minute? SONNY Sal? SAL They gotta stop sayin' that. EXT. BANK - NIGHT as they (Sheldon and Sonny) exit and stand in the doorway out of earshot of the others. Sheldon is matter-of-fact, but insinuating and conspiratorial. SHELDON Sonny, you handled yourself real well. A lot of men would have choked, and we'd have a lot of chaos and panic and maybe a death or a multiple death on our hands, but you handled it. I respect that. Don't you try to take Sal. We'll handle him. You just sit tight and you won't get hurt. He starts to go. Sonny grabs him. SONNY Wait a minute! What the fuck you tryin' to tell me? SHELDON (quiet) What I said. You just sit quiet and we'll handle Sal. And he turns and starts to walk away, leaving Sonny staring after him. INT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT as Sheldon steps into the door. The place is jammed, Moretti stands inside the door where Sonny could not have possibly seen him. Sheldon quietly turns and stands beside him, both men looking back across the street. MORETTI The little bastard miss me? Sheldon smiles the supercilious Ehrlichman smile of his. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny re-enters. He's restless, hyperactive, constantly moving during this scene; a man with a potentially guilty conscience. Sal moves toward him and both men walk to area in front of the Tellers' cages. SAL What'd he say? SONNY He was talkin' about arrangements... we were talkin' about the TV. SAL Why couldn't he talk about that here? SONNY He was showin' me how the airport bus is comin' in, like that, Sal. (notices Mulvaney start to faint) What's wrong with him? In the rear, Mulvaney slumps into a chair beside Margaret's desk. Sylvia rushes to help him, untying his tie, etc. Maria runs into the Conference room, hoping to find remains of sugar as Deborah crosses to his desk, looking through the drawers for medication. Jenny simply can't cope with it and walks away. SONNY Hey, you okay? SYLVIA He's got diabetes. He's not a well person. SONNY Those bastards -- they poisoned the pizza! Sal - you didn't eat any pizza!? MULVANEY I didn't eat any pizza. SYLVIA I told you, he's got diabetes. SONNY You're supposed to balance your sugar diet, right? Sonny starts to move toward the front door. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny rushes outside. SONNY Hey! Is there a doctor over there? Get him over here! Come on, on the double! Sheldon and a young DOCTOR appear, concerned... SHELDON What's wrong? SONNY The manager, he's diabetic, he's lookin' bad. Sheldon turns, calls out. SHELDON Doctor... A man comes forward - is frisked by Sonny, who then dumps contents of his Black Bag and looks for weapons. Sonny then dashes inside bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny comes in, walks over to Sal. SONNY Sal - the Doctor's coming in. Sonny then rushes back outside bank again. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny crosses to Doctor. SONNY (to Doctor) You go on in... The Doctor hustles past. HOLD on Sheldon. SHELDON (picks up the phone) I've convinced Leon to talk to you. He's on the phone now. Sonny rushes back into Bank. INT. BANK Sonny rushes in. The phone rings. He picks it up. SONNY Hello. Hello, Leon. LEON Hello, Sonny. SONNY How are you doing? LEON Well... I'm out of the hospital. SONNY (pleased) Yeah. You said... I thought you were never getting out? LEON I never thought I'd get out this way. I'll tell you. SONNY Well... huh... LEON Ooohh... SONNY Oh... huh... how you feeling? LEON I'm really shakey. SONNY Well, you know... Moretti told me before that you were drugged up. LEON Yeah. It was terrible. SONNY That... huh... they just shoot you with drugs. LEON You come in and they say, right away, that you are crazy. And they start putting things in your arm... you know. How do they expect you to get uncrazy if you're asleep all the time? SONNY Yeah... LEON You can't talk or do anything. You really feel... you know... I'm just sort of coming out of it now. SONNY (pensive) So... that sure is something. LEON Yeah. So how are you? SONNY (chuckling) Fine, thank you. I'm in trouble. That is... now I am! LEON (chuckling) Yeah... I know. SONNY I don't know what I'm gonna do... you know. Boy... I'm dying. LEON What? What are you talking about? You are dying? Did you ever listen to yourself when you say that? SONNY What are you talking about? LEON What do you mean... what am I talking about? Do you realize that you say that to me every day of your life? I am dying. Do you know... do you realize the death that you are spreading around to the people who are around you? SONNY Now don't give me that deep shit now. Don't start with that shit. LEON No really... I don't think that you realize what it means. The things that you do, Sonny. You put a gun to somebody's head... SONNY I don't know what I'm doing. LEON (annoyed) Yeah... obviously you don't... when you put a gun to somebody's head... and you say go to sleep so that it won't hurt when I pull the trigger. Death? Don't talk about death to me. I have been living with death for the last six months. Why do you think I'm in the hospital? I take a handful of pills to get away from you. And then here I am out of the hospital talking to you on the phone... again. I have no friends left. No job. I can't live. I have to live with people. This death business... I'm sorry! SONNY I'm not on the phone to talk to you about that. Well, I don't know what to say, Leon. When you gimme that... when you hit me with that shit. I mean, what am I supposed to say? LEON (indifferent to Sonny) I'm sorry... SONNY I told you. That I got a lot of pressures. You said to me that you needed money, and I knew that you needed money! I saw you there lying in the hospital like that... and I said... shit, man, I got to get this guy some money. LEON (excited) But I didn't ask you to go rob a bank. SONNY (getting louder) All right. I know you didn't ask me. You didn't ask me but I did it. LEON Well... SONNY I did it on my own. I did this all on my own. I ain't laying it on anybody. Nothing on anybody. I'll tell you something, though, it's about time that I squared away my accounts... you know. I am squaring away my accounts with life. Maybe this whole thing is gonna end, somehow. Maybe it'll just end! Maybe I'll just close my eyes and the whole fucken thing will be over. That would be all right too! I said... I thought I would square it away with you... you know? That I would get you down here and that I would say so long to you... or, if you wanted... you know, to take a trip... LEON What trip? SONNY I'm getting out of here, man. I'm not going to stay here and I'm not giving up. I mean, huh, they're going to kill me, anyway. So fuck it! But, if I can get out of this... I am going to get out. And, how I'm going to do it is to get a jet out of here and I'm flying the fuck out... That's all, Leon. If you want to come with me, then you're entitled... you can come. You're free to do what you want. LEON I'm free to do what I want? And you think I would want to go with you some place on a plane? Where? Where ya going? SONNY I gotta jet coming here and we're gonna try to get the fuck outta this thing. And we're gonna go, man! LEON You're crazy. SONNY That's it. LEON You're really crazy. SONNY I know! LEON Where you gonna go? SONNY Who the fuck knows? I think we're gonna go... we worked it out to Algeria. So, I don't know. So I'll go to Algeria. LEON Why you going to Algeria? SONNY Huh... I don't know. They got Howard Johnson's there. I don't know why the fuck I'm going there for. LEON Howard Johnson's... you're warped. You know that? You're really warped! SONNY I know that. I'm warped... I'm warped! LEON (stuttering) God, Algeria! Do you know there's a bunch of... they walk around there... God! People walk around with masks and things on their heads. They're a bunch of crazy people there. SONNY What am I supposed to do? LEON (bitchy) I don't know... you could have picked a better place. SONNY Denmark? Sweden? LEON (pleased) I like that... yeah! SONNY Sal wanted to go to Wyoming. I told him it wasn't a country. We gotta get outta the country! To hell with a guy who doesn't know where Wyoming is. Okay. Can you imagine what kind of a shape I'm in? Laughter from both Sonny and Leon. LEON So! Sal is with you? SONNY Sal? Yeah... Sal is with me. LEON Oh... wow! Sonny, you're really into one mess now. SONNY I know I am. I know! LEON (making fun of Sonny) Sal... Sal... Naturale, oh boy! SONNY He ain't going out. And if I go out he's just gonna kill the people. There's a lot of lives that I'm responsible for... that's all. So, I can't do anything. I got myself into this mess and I'll get myself out of it... the best way I know how! One of the ways is not giving up. I'm telling ya! LEON Would you do something for me? Please? SONNY What? LEON These guys that got me down here, you know, huh... they think that I'm part of this whole thing. They think I'm part of the plot to rob the bank! SONNY How did they think that? What are they... crazy? What do you mean. That's bullshit, Leon. They're giving you a fucken story. LEON Well... they told me that I was an accomplice... SONNY Oh... they're fucken crazy. That's a snow job. Don't listen to that shit! LEON I gotta listen to it if they think... SONNY Shit... LEON I can't survive in prison, Sonny... SONNY All right. Then what do you want me to say? LEON Sonny, would you please just tell them... please... SONNY Where are they now? Just tell me... are they on the phone now? LEON (meekly) Yeah. SONNY (annoyed) That's great. Just terrific. You talk to me with them on the phone, right? That is really smart. And, you don't tell me? LEON I don't have a choice. SONNY You don't have a choice? LEON No! They're standing all around me. Seven thousand fucken cops... all around me. SONNY Look... who's on the phone? LEON Look... don't throw that on me. SONNY Who's on the phone, now? What do you mean... throw it on you? You knew it, right? LEON Yeah... I knew it. But, what choice do I have? I'm in the hospital; they drag me out of the hospital... bring me down here... SONNY All right, enough! Who the fuck is on the phone... anyway? Is that you Moretti? (angrily into phone) You on the phone? Will somebody talk to me? LEON They won't talk to you. SONNY Are they on the phone still? LEON Yeah... yeah! SONNY (still angry) All right! He didn't do it. All right? Now... would you get the fuck off the phone? I'll bet that really changed them, huh? (calmly to Leon) Anyway, Leon... did I do it for you? LEON Yeah... huh, thank you. I'm going to go back, Sonny, to the hospital. They're really nice people. They're really trying to help me. SONNY That's good then. You've found something. LEON Well... I don't know if I have or not. SONNY Do you still want the operation? LEON (moody) Yeah... yeah. SONNY Well, then... LEON It's my only chance! SONNY I don't know what to say to ya! I guess I just wanted to say I'll see ya... or whatever. LEON Thank you much... and huh, bon voyage. SONNY Right. See you sometime. LEON Yeah... see ya in my dreams, huh? SONNY Yeah... I'll write a song. Ha, ha. I don't know. Life is funny! LEON You said a mouthful... sweetheart! INT. BANK Sonny hangs up, walks back toward rear of bank and picks up receiver again on Edna's desk. SONNY (into phone) You cut off incoming, gimme a line. I want to talk to my wife, I want to say goodbye to my kids. (line is connected, he begins to dial; anguished; to the group) Here I am, I could call, and they'd put anybody on the phone, the Pope, an astronaut, the wisest of the wise and who do I have to call? (to phone; as she answers) Heidi? HEIDI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The TV is on, the kids up and racing around, neighbors pouring beer -- An event! HEIDI (on phone; excited) Hey, Sonny! I'm watchin' it on TV! ON SONNY SONNY What about the kids? ON HEIDI HEIDI They don't know, I sent them to the neighbors. Sonny, Jesus, it's not like you. I can't believe, because you never hurt anybody since the day I knew you. ON SONNY SONNY Heidi, I'm dying. ON HEIDI HEIDI (oblivious) I blame myself, Sonny. I notice you been tense, like something is happening; the night before last you're yellin' at the kids like a madman, believe me. And then you wanted me to go on this ride with the kids, this caterpillar about from here to there - fulla one-year- old kids. It's ridiculous. I'm not about to go on this ride, so you yell right there, 'You pig, get on the fuckin' ride!' Well, everything fell outta - me - my heart, my liver fell to the floor - you name it! Yellin' at me in front of all those people. Because you never talked and I never been scared of you, never. I think: he's gonna shoot me and dump my body in the river. ON SONNY SONNY Heidi, for Christ sake, shut up! Will you shut your fucking mouth and listen?! ON HEIDI HEIDI (afraid) See? You're screaming with the language and all! A person can't communicate with you. You become a stranger in your own home... ON SONNY he sits, dispiritedly listening to this rap: seeing her in a clear and unambiguous light as before he saw Leon: what a waste to live in the company of people like this! ON HEIDI HEIDI ...because you hurt me, God how you hurt me. Can you imagine, marrying another man? Did I do something to make you do that? Did I ever turn you down, or anything? The only thing I couldn't do, you're gonna laugh, is go on top - I got this fear of high places! (giggles) And I let myself get fat. ON SONNY SONNY Don't call yourself fat. ON HEIDI HEIDI I know you can't stand me to say I'm fat. Like I can't stand you being a bank robber. I guess that's what love is -- huh, Sonny? ON SONNY SONNY (weakly) Heidi - why didn't you come down here? ON HEIDI HEIDI Jesus - what - I'm afraid - I'm gonna get shot or whatever. You oughta see it on TV, the guns, the cops, they got cannon, machine guns, they're loaded with gear. ON SONNY SONNY They're not after you, they're after me. ON HEIDI HEIDI Listen, it's late already when I realize it's not just a couple of ordinary faggots, it's just you and Sal. I couldn't get a baby sitter. Heidi goes on and on, but Sonny just drops the phone on the hook. As he walks toward the rear of the bank, Sylvia, seated atop Margaret's desk, gets off and follows Sonny toward the Conference room. At the same time, Edna is lifting Margaret's feet up onto a chair and Jenny and Deborah start to walk toward the Conference room, too. Maria paces back and forth, transistor to her ear. Sonny walks into the Conference room. The doctor is through examining Mulvaney. Miriam is seated across the table from him. DOCTOR Listen - I think I better take him back for a cardiac check ... Mulvaney waves, protesting. He's had a shot; he's rapidly recovering. SONNY SONNY Anything... what's wrong? Is he gonna die? DOCTOR No, I just think... MULVANEY I'm okay... I'm okay... SONNY You know more than the Doctor? You're not okay, look at you. Come on... (to Doctor) ...let's get him out... MULVANEY I'm not going. I'm okay. As Sonny grabs him to try to help him up, Mulvaney wrenches away. A little physical here. SONNY Hey! I'm tryin' to help you. MULVANEY I stay here. Damn it. I just needed the insulin. I'm used to it. Go on. Go on. SONNY (to Doctor) You tell me. Is he endangering his health, because if you tell me he is, I'll get him out. MULVANEY I'll be God damned if you will. SONNY Oh, Jesus! You want to be a martyr or a hero or what? Maria and Miriam dance to transistor's music. Edna walks into Conference Room to tidy up. Sal is still sitting there. Deborah tries to comfort Jenny. MULVANEY I don't wanta be either, I just want to be left alone. You understand that? I wish the fuck you never came in my bank, that's all, don't try to act like you're some angel of human kindness! (he crosses toward Tellers' cages to start straightening up) Sonny nods, staring at him. As Doctor moves toward front door Sonny walks with him. Grabs marked bills and stuffs them into the Doctor's pocket... SONNY Here, my man. Whattayou get for a house call? As Doctor tries to wave it away: SONNY (continuing) No, no! I want a top specialist for my friend, I expect to pay top money. He's hustled him to the door, where he ushers him out door. OMITTED EXT. BANK (HIS POV) - A BANNER - NEW ANGLE [1ST GAY DEMO] hastily made, about 40 feet long, being raised above the heads of crowd to where Sonny can see it. We can't read it until it's all the way up. Then is reads: WE LOVE YOU LOVE YOU SONNY As the crowd reads it, fist fights break out and it totters and staggers, but the defenders fight bravely... They are ordinary looking people -- not freaks... ON SONNY looking at it, at them with mixed feelings. ON SHELDON standing across the street looking at him. Sheldon indicates his watch. Holds up ten fingers: "ten minutes"... ON SONNY He turns into the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny comes back into bank, his face mad with pain. He walks over to Sylvia, standing at open gate of Tellers' Cages, and brings out a wallet with pictures for her to see. She takes it, smiles. SONNY My kids... Kimmy and Jimmy. SYLVIA They're beautiful... She looks over toward Mulvaney, now behind the Tellers' Cages, trying to tidy up, and walks over to show him the pictures. Sonny stands on the other side of the cages. SONNY (as Mulvaney looks at pictures) I'll never see them again, Mister Mulvaney. MULVANEY They look like good kids. SONNY They're like any others but they're special to me. You got kids? You told me; you got two. MULVANEY Special to me, too. SONNY You like me? MULVANEY Sure - we like you. SONNY No you don't. MULVANEY You seem like a likable enough guy. It's hard to judge. Sonny walks back toward Sal, who is seated in Conference Room. SONNY Hey, Sal... How you doin'? SAL Okay. Sonny crosses back downstage again to Mulvaney and Sylvia. SONNY (referring to Sal) You know, I don't know him very well - but he's not gay... and he's not going back to prison... One time when he was in prison, they gang- banged him; 13 years old and eight guys gave it to him... So Sal isn't goin' back to prison, no way. MULVANEY I'm sorry. SONNY You know... I like you people... I really do. MULVANEY We like you, too. SONNY You know - I had a job once. I used to work in a bank. I had been training... I used to have a boss... Mr. Don Frio... he wore a toupee... I wonder if you'd hire me if I came in here and asked you for a job... MULVANEY Would I hire you? SONNY Yeah. MULVANEY Why not? SONNY (grinning) I don't think so. Sonny walks back toward Sal. SONNY I told you -- they're sending a jet. It's all worked out... But doubt hangs in the air like a pall... CLOSEUP - SAL looking at him. Implacable. This tension between them over the question of Sonny's loyalty must be kept constantly alive with CUTS and looks, over dialogue... SYLVIA & MULVANEY SYLVIA Somebody give me another cigarette. Sal turns to look at her reproachfully. ON SYLVIA SYLVIA I wish somebody would tell me I'm gonna live long enough for it to be a habit. My parent, she'll be okay. My husband, he'll be okay. I even know who the bum is gonna marry. Terrific. She'll take good care of him. MULVANEY Girls, I wanta apologize. For my language back there. Embarrassed, he walks toward the rest of group in the rear, stands by Edna's desk. MULVANEY Ladies... I want to apologize for my language back there. (he walks over to his desk, sits down) Sonny exits Conference Room and moves downstage. SYLVIA (amazed) What'd you say? I didn't hear you say anything. They think for a moment. JENNY He said the 'F' word. They stare at her incredulously. Someone giggles. EDNA What? JENNY The 'F' word. He did. He said the 'F' word. Edna crosses to her desk - disgusted - and starts to tidy up. The giggle catches the edge of their panic and anxiety and sweeps them into uncontrollable giggles and laughter: Sonny roars. Sal and Edna alone remain unsmiling. After a few seconds they force themselves to stop, to behave like they should under the circumstances. They are gasping and crying. Then... SONNY What's so funny? EDNA Well, I'm a Christian, and my ears are not garbage cans. It sets them off again. They howl and giggle and laugh. Until at last they run down again. At this point, Sal rushes out of Conference Room. SAL Who's that? He has seen something in the middle of the street, and now... NEW ANGLE as they all turn to look out through the door. THEIR POV Backlighted by the floodlights in the middle of street escorted by Sheldon, stands a figure, dumpy and gray, tentatively waving, a figure that bends over baby carriages in the park, picks beans one by one out of supermarket bins, lip reads get-well cards in pharmacies. They hear Sheldon, outside, on bullhorn: SHELDON (V.O.) Sonny! Could you come out, please? Could you come out, please? SONNY It's my mother. Who needs this shit? But as a dutiful son he starts for the front of the bank. EXT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny walks to his MOTHER. Baker tactfully moves away, leaving the two of them in the center of the floodlighted street. Again the crowd can be HEARD but not seen; armed police fringe the lights and shadows, in B.G. SONNY What do you want here, Ma? You could of watched it on TV. VI My God, Sonny - you oughtta see - - Alla Brooklyn is here! On all 3 networks! SONNY Mom - I got it all worked out; it's over. The best thing is you go home. Watch it on TV. VI I talked to the FBI, I told them about you, they said if you just come outta the bank it's gonna be okay. SONNY You did what? Who did you talk to? What for? VI Well, I'm only trying to get you outta this. I told them you were in Vietnam, you always had good jobs, you were with Goldwater at the '64 convention, but you had marital problems... SONNY Oh my God, mother! VI I said you were never a faggot. SONNY Don't talk to them anymore. Sal and me are getting a jet, we're going to Algeria - I'll write you from there. VI He was very understanding - you ought to talk to him... Algeria? SONNY We can't stay here. VI Oh my God! I don't understand. If you needed money, why couldn't you come to me? Everything I got is yours. I got two hundred and maybe twenty-five in the savings. It's yours. You know it. Sonny abruptly realizes he is getting sidetracked by Mom - like always. Tries to get it back again. SONNY Mom - they're sending a bus to take us to the airport. You understand? If you're here - they're not gonna send it. They'll think I'm gonna come out with you. VI What's wrong with that? The FBI was very understanding when I explained it to him. Everybody knows it isn't you... It's the pressures from your home life. SONNY For God's sake don't start in on Heidi again... VI Did I say a thing against her? God forbid I should say anything against that fat cunt. SONNY Mom. Mom. There are some things a mother shouldn't say in front of her son. VI If she comes down here, so help me I'm gonna mash her brains in. Everything in your life was sunlight and roses until you met her. Since then, forget it. SONNY She doesn't have anything to do with it! You understand that? Mother? This is me! VI I know you wouldn't need Leon if Heidi was treating you right. The thing I don't understand is why you come out and sleep with Heidi anyway? You got two kids on welfare now. What're you goin' to bed with her, you don't have enough with one wife and two kids on welfare, you want a wife and three kids on welfare? SONNY (this is old stuff) Not now, Mom, please. VI What'll you do? Come out. SONNY (patiently - I told you a hundred times) I can't, Mom. If I come out Sal will kill them. VI Oh. (she thinks for a moment) Run. SONNY What the hell for? Twenty-five years in the pen? VI Maybe... SONNY Maybe! Aw Christ, what dreams you live on! Maybe what? She stares at him. He talks slowly and carefully to her. SONNY I'm a fuckup and an outcast. There isn't one single person in my life I haven't hurt through my love. You understand that? I'm the most dangerous person in the world, because if I love you, watch out, you're gonna get fucked, fucked over and fucked out! VI No! SONNY Did Pop come down? VI No. This really pissed him off, Sonny. He says you're dead. He says he doesn't have a son. SONNY He's right. You shoulda done what he did. Go home. (embraces her) Don't talk to the FBI anymore. He walks away and moves toward the bank door. ON VI Her desperate smile, apologetic and false at the same time, glistens with a mother's tears. After a long beat: VI I remember how beautiful you were. As a baby you were so beautiful. We had such hopes. INT. BANK - CLOSE ON DOOR - NIGHT as Sonny enters and stops, controlling his emotions. He walks toward Mulvaney, who is putting visitor's chair back into position, then waters his plant. Maria and Miriam are still dancing; Margaret is at her desk; Sal, Jenny and Deborah are in the Conference Room; Sylvia is still behind Tellers' Cages. SONNY Mister Mulvaney? MULVANEY Yeah? SONNY Are you a lawyer? MULVANEY No. I had some legal training, but... SONNY I want to dictate my will. I need a notary? SYLVIA I'm a notary. She leaves Tellers' Cages area, crosses to Sonny, grabbing a pen from Edna's desk on the way. Sonny's urgent mood reaches them. Sylvia gets note pad from Mulvaney. Takes the dictation... SONNY Being of sound mind and body, and all that shit... Sylvia nods: got it. SONNY To my darling wife Leon whom I love as no other man has loved another man in all eternity, I leave $2,700 from my $10,000 life insurance policy, to be used for your sex change operation. If there is money left over it is to go to you on the first anniversary of my death, at my grave. I expect you to be a real woman then, and your life full of happiness and joy. To my sweet wife, Heidi, five thousand from the same policy. You are the only woman I have ever loved, and I re-pledge my love to you in this sad moment, and to little Kimmy and Jimmy. I hope you remember me, Jimmy. You are the little man of the family now, and will have to look after them for me. To my mother I ask forgiveness. You don't understand the things I did and said, but I'm me, and I'm different. I leave you, the rest of the policy and my stamp collection. I want a military funeral and am entitled to one free of charge. Life and love are not easy and we have to bend a lot. I hope you find the places and the people to make you all happy as I could not. God bless you and watch over you, as I shall, until we are joined in the hereafter, sweet Leon, my Heidi, dearest Kimmy and Jimmy, and my mother. Sonny... here I'll spell the last name... He sits and writes it for Sylvia. SONNY Type that up and I'll sign it. Nobody says anything about this document. What is there to say? Sylvia walks to her desk at the front of the bank, near the window, and begins typing. EXT. BANK - VARIOUS ANGLES - NIGHT The restless crowd STIRS, sensing something happening. Turning to see something coming. APARTMENT FIRE ESCAPE The Cops gear up their weapons: radios CRACKLE. Something, a vehicle, is moving through the crowd, Cops shoving people aside to let it through. The Old Lady pays no attention. She is down to one of the very last pieces of the puzzle and is searching for the spot for it. LOW ANGLE IN CLEAR PLACE IN FRONT OF BANK as the vehicle clears the crowd and slowly draws up in front. It is a long airport limousine of the type with many doors. It stops. Everyone's attention is on it. A black DRIVER gets out, a gay Afro knit on his head, coke dealer's shades, for the cognoscenti, one very long little finger nail, a nifty Van Dyke style beard and one gold front tooth. He looks around, holding a sheet of paper. Sheldon, others, approach. They are looking into the vehicles, opening doors, checking tires, etc. DOOR OF BANK Sonny appears. He strides to the limo. SONNY Okay. Get away from it. After a moment the Cops all move back. Sonny opens the front door and begins to check it out. The Driver starts to move away... SONNY These seats come out? DRIVER Yeah. INT. LIMO - CLOSE - SONNY AND DRIVER Together they remove the seat so Sonny can check for guns concealed below, etc. Improvise to fit conditions of the car. DRIVER (dawning on him) Jesus, you're the man! SONNY Come on, what's under this? They pry up a seat and look under, etc., all through: DRIVER I was lookin' at it. I saw you, man! Jesus! You oughta see yourself! You wouldn't believe it. SONNY Yes, I would. DRIVER God damn it, Sheila isn't gonna believe it. They just call in and say gas up a stretchout and get it down to (address in Brooklyn) and I say, 'shit, another load of Elks for the massage parlors.' SONNY (finished) Okay. Driver stands up, getting a good look at Sonny. DRIVER Well, by God I'm gonna remember you! And he turns and walks away. Driver stops, uncertainly. Cops grab him to hustle him away. Sheldon steps forward with a neat twenty-years-younger carbon copy of himself... SHELDON Here's your driver, this is agent Murphy. NEW ANGLE Sonny and Murphy. Sonny eyes Murphy, thinks, then begins to frisk Murphy. He finds nothing. He stands up and eyes Murphy. He just doesn't like it. SONNY I don't want him. SHELDON What can he do, he's clean... SONNY Gimme the black guy... The Driver is still close enough to hear... DRIVER Aw, hey... SONNY (overlapping everybody) Come on, nobody's gonna get hurt. If they were gonna shoot, they'd shoot now. SHELDON I can't allow that, Sonny... SONNY You can't allow! I'm running this thing, what gives you the idea you can say shit? (to Driver) Come on. I'll pay you. Whatta you want? Two hundred? A thousand? The Driver looks around desperately to the FBI, to get him out of this. SONNY Don't look at him. I'm running this. Pause. Sheldon finally reluctantly nods. Sonny motions for him (the Driver) to step forward. Before he can get in the car, Sonny stops him. Signals to him to get ready. Gives him a thorough pat search. Thighs, the whole bit. CLOSE ANGLES AS HE SEARCHES It is tense. The Driver seems uptight. Sonny finds nothing until he touches a breast pocket. The Driver is very uptight. Sonny reaches in, pulls out a -- tiny bottle, with a coke spoon chained to the lid. Before Sheldon can see it, but the audience has, Sonny shoves it back, grins, slaps the Driver on the buns. The Driver laughs delightedly. He was afraid he'd get busted for the dope: the drive will be a cakewalk. SONNY You'll be okay. DRIVER (to FBI) You men shoot, aim for the white meat! He loves the joke! They act as though they hadn't heard. Sonny slaps him playfully on the arm and smiling turns to Sheldon. SONNY I want him. He points at Murphy. Sheldon stands there speechless. Driver stares at Sonny, his smile fading. SONNY (delighted) What do you think you're dealing with, an idiot! Sheldon nods to Driver and Murphy. Murphy resumes role as driver of the limo. Driver gets out. SONNY So long, copper. SONNY AND MURPHY as they position the stretchout in front of the bank. It can be seen from inside. The FBI men stand well back from it. Murphy stands by the door. He also can be seen. SHELDON Okay, Sonny? You follow my car. Murphy nods. Sonny is satisfied and turns to the bank, takes Murphy into vestibule, indicating for him to stay there. Sonny continues toward group at rear. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sylvia is finishing her typing. The girls and Mulvaney are slowly getting ready. Deborah is getting her purse out of Margaret's desk drawer; Margaret gathering her own purse, books, etc.; Jenny is getting her purse from Edna's desk as Edna gathers up her belongings; Mulvaney is seated at his desk; Miriam is at her desk, by the front door. Sal stands with his gun ready. [As Sonny enters and takes up his gun, Sal carefully and methodically begins to redress himself, comb his rumpled hair, knotting his tie carefully...] ANGLES FAVORING SAL as he rebuilds his sartorial image before the various reflecting surfaces of the bank, knotting his tie in a glass partition, checking his suit for wrinkles in a glass door, etc. Meanwhile we are seeing the following, which Sal ignores: SONNY ENTERING SONNY Hey, let's get ready! SYLVIA (gets up, walks to Sonny) Sonny - Here's your document. ON SONNY looking at the will, taking up pen. ON SYLVIA, MULVANEY watching him with compassion. INSERT Sonny signs fast and firmly... INSERT Sylvia's notary seal clamps and imprints the paper. LOW CLOSE ANGLE - SONNY SONNY Okay, okay, okay! What a bunch of cold fish. It's an adventure! Everybody's gonna remember you the rest of your lives, the day you got held up and kidnapped... hey! His eye has struck some reminder. They handle this. SONNY You got Bank Americard? MULVANEY (tired) What now, Sonny? SONNY (gathers money from near-by money bag) Listen, I owe a couple hundred dollars! I don't wanta leave owing anybody anything! A clean slate, a new leaf... He plunks his card down before Sylvia. SONNY (continuing) I paying off. (money from attached case) Here. Two hundred should do it. They start the action of filing the form and accepting the money... Sonny stops them... SONNY Just give me a receipt. Hey, Sal, you okay? SAL (deep in his hair or tie or?) Okay, Sonny. SONNY All right. (accepts receipt) SYLVIA Here's your document, Sonny. SONNY Yeah - it looks real official. They are ready. A moment in the dark. Sonny holds out the will to Mulvaney. SONNY Hold it for me? Mulvaney takes it. Sonny shakes his hand. Suddenly, emotionally, he embraces Sylvia. Suddenly they are all saying silent goodbyes. Shaking hands all around, formally. Only Sal is left untouched, standing apart, watching them, in the dark. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Everyone waits in silence. The lights. The limo. The Driver waiting in the driver's seat. After a beat the door begins to open. VARIOUS ANGLES as Cops' guns are brought to bear. On the apartment fire escape the Old Lady is asleep, her puzzle complete. The snipers raise their rifles. FRONT OF BARBER SHOP - NIGHT Sheldon stands there. The police radio network CRACKLES: "They're coming out. Perpetrators and hostages together. Only authorized personnel may previously authorized, and etc." Sheldon's eyes go to: HIS POV - SNIPER A middle-aged Man who looks like an overweight accountant, in flak vest and helmet that seems too small, aiming through a telescopic sight at: DOOR OF BANK SONNY (letting Murphy out first; yells outside) Get away from the car! Something that looks like a multi-legged animal emerges. It is Sonny and Sal in the center of a tight group of the girls and Mulvaney, so they are completely protected on all sides by hostages. Over their heads is thrown some drapes from the bank that further prevent the police from drawing a clear head on Sonny or Sal without hitting a girl. In fact they can't be seen at all. This weird apparition appears, hesitates. The crowd YELLS: "SHOOT!" CHOREOGRAPH THE ACTION so the group hesitates, takes a step forward, then it's clear Sonny can't see well enough to go direct to the car, and the girls are uncertain which direction to go in, not having been briefed. So they stumble about, make false starts, and finally arrive at the car, where one girl gets into the second row of seats behind the Driver. Then Sonny slides across next to Driver. VARIOUS ANGLES TO COVER The police have no chance to shoot. The group looks like a bewildered centipede finding its way. Mulvaney detaches himself from the group and slips into the front seat, on Sonny's right. ON EDNA standing alone, outside filled-up limo. Sheldon walks over to Mulvaney's window. SONNY (to Sheldon) Okay - you got your one. SHELDON (to Murphy) You follow my car. (he moves off) Maria gets in the rear-most row of seats. Sal next to her in the middle and then another girl. One woman, Edna, a plain middle-aged woman who has not said a word until now is left over. She stands by the side of the limo as the doors close and this phase of the operation ends, without mishap. SONNY (elated) Fuck! We did it! SYLVIA (to Edna) Goodbye, honey. Wish us luck! Edna pecks out dry little kisses to the nearest girls. ANGLE THROUGH SONNY'S DOOR WINDOW as Edna pecks... goodbye. SONNY I'll be a son of a bitch -- we're all okay! Hey, man! Honk the horn. Let's go! Sal has his gun pointed on back of Driver's head. MURPHY Hey, Sal - do me a favor... point that gun up, huh? We hit a bump and the fuckin' gun'll go off. The Driver honks the HORN: they're ready. The crowd SCREAMS. Cops keep jockeying for position, but there is no way to get a shot in. ON SHELDON No emotion. He steps into his car, a police car pulls up behind, and the procession starts to pull slowly toward the crowd. ON EDNA AND BANK As the limo pulls away, she is bewildered by the rush of police, bank people, FBI men who stream past her, ignoring her, all pouring into the bank. TV crews move by and finally -- one stops to interview her. ON THE CARAVAN being rammed through the jam of Cops and screaming people trying to get a last look. The hostages looking out, wan, worried. Sonny and Sal inside, alert, ready with guns. INT. LIMO - NIGHT MURPHY Sal - please keep that gun pointed up, huh? THEIR POV - MOVING SHOTS from inside the limo. The faces of the poor, the excited, the vicious the curious, and in ONE SHOT some of the people from the Gay Liberation Movement carrying hastily lettered signs: one protesting Sonny: YOU ARE AN INSULT TO YOUR KIND And another: WE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU SONNY! Their scared and wan faces swim past in the mob. Sonny's mother is briefly seen looking out of the barber shop window, alone and forgotten. The Cops stare heavily, sullen with anger. Now the limo is moving faster. People are running alongside, YELLING insults, trying to see in, asking for hand-outs, but they are going faster. Inside, they say nothing. Up ahead, Sheldon's car flashes a red light. Behind, the police car does the same. VARIOUS EXT. AND INT. ANGLES - NIGHT as the procession moves through Brooklyn. MOVING VIEW FROM GROUND A helicopter follows above them. VIEWS IN STREETS They move along, followed by a HONKING parade of kibitzing cars, like a Mexican wedding. ANGLE AT AIRPORT THRUWAY They turn onto the thruway, trying to out-distance the cars tagging along. INT. LIMO Silence. Sonny and Sal hold their rifles ready between their knees. ANGLE N AIRPORT FENCE as they veer off the thruway, a barely seen Guard swings open a gate and they ROAR through. The Guard pushes the gate to, and the following caravan of cars brakes, skids and a pile-up of fender bender accidents begin, cars going into the fence and each other. FULL SHOT - THRUWAY Cars are strewn all around. Doors open and Drivers leap out ready to YELL and do battle. The Cops guard the now closed gate. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT Distant lights, some moving. Total darkness. The FBI car, the limo, the following police car move across the darkness... INT. LIMO - NIGHT They sit quiet, following the FBI car. The FBI car stops. They stop. Silence. SONNY Murphy, can you see what they're doing? MURPHY He's still got some arrangements to make. Sheldon is getting out of the car up ahead. Sonny and Sal and all of them come alert. As Sheldon and the other FBI men get out of their car, a pair of aircraft landing lights become visible, taxiing towards the limo. SONNY There it is, Sal. Sal? SAL I'm here. SONNY Oh, Jesus! Hey. How about food? I forgot to ask to have food on board. Sheldon has been walking down to the limo. He stops beside Mulvaney and KNOCKS on the window. Mulvaney rolls it down. SHELDON That's the jet. You give us one more, now. That's the deal... SONNY Okay. Which one goes? There is silence inside the limo. Mulvaney turns to Sylvia. MULVANEY Sylvia? From a handkerchief, Sylvia draws a slip of paper. SYLVIA It's Maria. Go on, honey. They open the door. They urge her out, and Maria goes with a show of reluctance. ON MARIA As she stands up outside she is revealed to have a rosary she's counting. IMPROVISE goodbyes, tearful and fearful all around. Then: MARIA I pray for your safety... (meaning Sonny and Sal) ...Sal? Because I know it's your first plane trip. Don't be scared, you know? (gives him her rosary) And Maria walks away. Now the plane has taxied into position, where it can be seen in floodlights. It looks big and impressive. We know the FBI has snipers ringing it. SONNY I ain't eaten all day. I just realized it. SHELDON We'll have hamburgers on the plane. You ready? MURPHY (turns to Sal again) Sal, keep it up, huh? The gun - please... CLOSE - SONNY looking at the plane, grasping his money and his gun. The rifle stands straight up between his legs. Sheldon leans down, peering in at him. SONNY What do you think, Sal? You ready to go? ANGLE - SAL in front of Sonny, behind Mulvaney. For the first time he smiles. He realizes that escape is within their grasp. The smile transforms him from a formidable Mafia imitation into an utterly sweet and defenseless youth. SAL (gun pointing high) Hey, Sonny - You did it! CLOSE - SONNY SONNY Let's move it, goddamn it. SHELDON (to Driver) You ready to get out first? DRIVER Yes. Driver starts to turn in the driver's seat! Sheldon brings up his hands to reach through the open window to grab Sonny's rifle barrel, pushes it away, aiming out windshield. Mulvaney sees them beginning their move and starts to duck. Sal begins to see movement out of the corner of his eyes and is barely beginning to react. DRIVER TURNING HAS A GUN OVER THE BACK OF THE SEAT! Sonny sees it, and Sheldon's hand grabbing the barrel of his gun at the same moment. Sheldon drives hard into the side of the limo, reaching in. Mulvaney grabs the girl next to him and pulls her by the hair down toward the floor. Sal, open-mouthed with amazement, is a split-second late bringing his gun up. Driver completes his turn and has his gun leveled at Sal between Miriam and Margaret in middle row. Sheldon grabs his rifle barrel and pulls hard. Sonny lets it go. Sal stares at the gun barrel, trying to get his gun up... Driver FIRES. Mulvaney hits the floor. Sheldon holds Sonny's gun. Sonny, CLOSE, watches. Sal, hit, slams back into the seat; the gun flies upward. Another SHOT hits him, flinging his head back. Driver holds his third shot, turns to Sonny - holds gun to his temple. Sonny looks down so he can see fully as: Sal's head snaps back for a split second and stares directly into Sonny's eyes, upside down. He stares sadly, into Sonny's eyes. As though he knew it all along -- betrayed. And dies. The SHOT is ECHOING. Now SCREAMS, YELLS, SLAMMING doors, panic... Sonny's voice: "Shoot me! For God's sake, shoot me!" FULL SHOT They come pouring out of the limo, scrambling frantically away from it. The limo -- the people fleeing it. Agents pull people away from the car. Driver and Sheldon and Cops peer into the back. Sal's body lies slumped. Driver, Sheldon, other Cops stand about, recovering. No one makes the slightest sort of congratulatory move, it was just another job. Driver clears his weapon, hands it to Sheldon to be filed in case of investigation. ON SYLVIA, MULVANEY, HOSTAGES They hug, cry, laugh, jump up and down: they're alive! SYLVIA (to Mulvaney) I been dying to do this for years! And she kisses him hard in the mouth. He laughs and kisses back... CLOSE - SONNY Tears are beginning to flood past his defenses: SHELDON (V.O.) You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to counsel to be present, during your interrogation. (etc.) His voice is dry, as though he were reciting from memory something he learned in a language he doesn't understand. LAP DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE - LEON - HEAD ON SHOT like a Warhol interview on TV. Segue VOICE TRACK. LEON Well, I don't see how Sonny can survive in prison, he was very loud, very boisterous. He was obnoxious. CLOSE - HEAD SHOT - SONNY being manipulated like so much beef by impersonal FBI agents... LEON (V.O.) He was very hard to live with... HEIDI (V.O.) He made me laugh. EXT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT Remnants of the crowd of sightseers, being interviewed by TV men avid for more, more, more news... these are people among the group that held up the big banner earlier: now we see them up CLOSE. They're folding up their banner. A very ordinary-looking YOUNG GUY. PROUD YOUNG MAN I love him. He put an end to all that pansy limp wristed shit! FBI AND SONNY They're getting off his belt, his shoe laces... HEIDI (V.O.) Because he always had a way of getting out, always in the army he was AWOL... OMITTED BACK TO SONNY manacled and helpless. He is twisted into some yet more uncomfortable position by the uncaring Agents. HEIDI (V.O.) I can't help thinking how he might ring the bell one of these days. That's why I'm nervous, because I'm always thinking some day he's gonna come along and ring the bell... THROUGH THE SHOT Sal's body is carried, Sonny, seeing it out of the corner of his eye. He tries to look... FBI MAN Keep your eyes front. PAULINE NATURILE - BEING INTERVIEWED A faded, rattled woman, perhaps a little drunk... NEWSMAN How did you know your son was involved? PAULINE It was on the TV. NEWSMAN When was the last time you saw Sal? PAULINE Oh, a long time. Because I kept asking my husband where the heck could Junior be? He wasn't around here. I thought maybe he was in prison or some place. NEWSMAN Did you know he was a homosexual? PAULINE No, not until after they killed him. NEWSMAN Did you always call him Junior. PAULINE Yeah. NEWSMAN Do you remember anything else about Sal? PAULINE No, that's all. BACK TO SONNY - AT AIRPORT Sonny isn't even listening... he sees something o.s.: SONNY Hey! NEW ANGLE The hostages moving toward a car to take them home are passing nearby and turn to look at him... SONNY Goodbye! You were terrific! Mouth! You're beautiful! See you! THEIR REACTIONS They stare at him; they've already begun to forget him: the moment in the bank when they said their goodbyes is already receding from their consciousness. Their smiles are forced, and they don't really know what to say. SYLVIA Ah, Sonny! Good luck, you know? MULVANEY You were terrific, too! SYLVIA Hey. It's raining. And, as the first welcome drops of cooling rain fall, they begin to move fast... ON SONNY looking after them. The rain hitting his face... the adventure is over. But the everlasting smile overtakes him... LEON I'm glad. Life is easier with him in prison. HEIDI It would be like always, the bell would ring, we'd have a ball. OMITTED BEGIN TITLE AND CREDITS: SINCE THERE WILL BE NO BEGINNING TITLE OR CREDITS, THE PICTURE LOGO WILL FLASH ON SCREEN NOW, AND END MUSIC UP: AS PACINO'S CREDIT IS SEEN, OVER A STILL OF HIM FROM THE PICTURE: THE FOLLOWING IS SUPERIMPOSED: SONNY IS SERVING TWENTY-FIVE YEARS IN FEDERAL PRISON. AS LEON IS SEEN: LEON IS NOW A WOMAN NAMED LANA. AS HEIDI IS SEEN: HEIDI LIVES WITH HER CHILDREN ON WELFARE. FADE OUT. THE END"DOG DAY AFTERNOON" by Frank Pierson Final Draft FADE IN: EXT. ELECTRIC SIGN It FILLS THE SCREEN (designed to exactly FILL THE FRAME size of whatever ratio we're shooting in). It says: 2:51 This message will be a little cryptic to the movie audience on an essentially BLACK SCREEN. HOLD for a beat, then it changes: the lights flash this sign, which should explain it to everyone: 94° And a slow distant ROLL OF THUNDER in the far distance; now the SOUND of media begin to come up loud, under: EXT. FLATBUSH AVENUE - DAY LONG SHOT down the Avenue, 400 mm lens, heat waves shimmering, thousands of old people, and people with children in strollers moving restlessly about in the heat on those endless miles of benches. The SHOT is ON SCREEN only for a beat or two, then gone... SOUND TRACK COMES FROM A THOUSAND TRANSISTOR RADIOS, TV SETS, AUTO RADIOS, BLENDED IN THE OPEN AIR... RADIO ANNOUNCER 1 (V.O.) ...the situation continued tense in the Middle East today, as... EXT. SHEA STADIUM (TV CLIP) - DAY An unnamed player swings and hits a high pop up... ANNOUNCER 2 (V.O.) ...hits a high inside pitch foul into the upper stands... ANGLE ON CROWD as the ball comes down they scramble and fight for it... A touch of viciousness... ANNOUNCER 3 (V.O.) ...B-52's meanwhile, unleashed the heaviest bombing of the war... EXT. MOVIE HOUSE TO MACDONALD'S - DAY We are SEEING HEIDI, though we don't know it yet - she's just another pretty 175-pound Italian girl with two kids, KIMMY, JIMMY, about four and five years old. Right now she is a lump of browning flesh, shining with oil among rows of similar ladies (mostly thinner, but all with a certain unhealthy softness about them) laid out in rows and groups across the sand. SHOOT LOW AND LONG, so heat shimmers rise, as though the heat were baking the oil out of this mob, visible suntan oil pollution... Heidi's transistor blasts ROCK MUSIC into the air. LYRICS (OVER) (Roberta Flack) REVEREND LEE, SHE SAID, LORD KNOWS I LOVE YOU, REVEREND LEE - DO IT TO ME (etc., etc.) ANNOUNCER 3 (V.O.) ...the American High Command announced the famed 25th Cavalry Division would be coming home! The 25th Cavalry, long since afoot, hardened in battle in the jungles of World War II... FAR DISTANT THUNDER ROLLS... INT/EXT. SONNY'S CAR - STREET - DAY It is parked in a drab Brooklyn street. Beside the car stands SAL, medium height, also good-looking in an intense boyish way. His eyes dart about suspiciously, the ever-watchful Sal. There is a watchful reserve in Sal that contrasts to Sonny's outgoing bounciness: first impression is Sonny is all bark; Sal is the bite. Sal is dressed in impressive blue suit style, he looks like a kid trying to impress the Godfather. He even wears a hat. Now, matching Sal's preparations inside the car, he checks his tie's alignment, shoots his cuffs and is ready... Meanwhile, on their car radio: ELTON JOHN (Amoreena) AND SHE DREAMS OF CRYSTAL STREAMS OF DAYS GONE BY WHEN WE COULD LEAN LAUGHING FIT TO BURST UPON EACH OTHER... ANOTHER ANGLE BY CAR As he turns, from the back of the car, JACKIE appears with a huge florist box, tied with ribbon. Jackie is an eighteen year old with bad complexion and in contrast to Sonny and Sal is dressed in teenage sloppiness. Adidas, T-shirt, bowling jacket, jeans. He is uncertain: waits for directions from Sonny. Sonny takes the florist box from him. We see a water truck drive down the street, followed by Sonny's car, which drives up near bank. It stops, Jackie gets out, crosses to bank window, peers through, then ANGLE INSIDE CAR returns to car. Leans in, has fake conversation with Sonny. They are waiting. Sonny checks his watch, turns to Sal in back seat: SONNY 30 seconds, Sal... They wait. At appropriate moment, Sal exits car, walks toward bank. Slowly Sonny gets out. INT. BANK - DAY A slightly seedy little branch bank, old yellow brick, blond varnished wood, a rubber plant, an American flag. Through the windows we SEE HOWARD, the aged black bank guard, in uniform, taking down the American flag from outside. Past him comes Sal carrying an attache case. He passes Howard coming toward us through the door into the bank. As he passes CAMERA: INSERT: BANK CLOCK as it CLICKS from 2:57 to 2:58 PM. MOVING SHOT WITH SAL as he moves toward the left-hand deposit-slips desks. He picks out a car-loan application slip, then walks toward the manager's desk (as the sign on the desk proclaims) of PATRICK MULVANEY. Sal sits down, his back to Mulvaney, facing the front door of the bank. Mulvaney is on the phone. ON DOOR as Sonny bustles through in his bouncy dancer's walk. He carries the large florist box. He moves toward the left- hand deposit-slips desks, takes one out and begins to fill one out. ON HOWARD as he pulls out the keys, attached to the belt of his uniform. Jackie approaches the door of the bank and stops, neither in nor out, as though he can't make up his mind. Howard watches him, waiting patiently, keys in hand, folded flag under his arm. CLOSE - SAL still sitting, back to Mulvaney, watching Jackie's approach and entrance, ready to move on cue. ON DOOR on Howard as he looks at Jackie, still half in, half out. Howard speaks to him: HOWARD Closing time; you want in or out? Jackie steps in and as Howard locks the door to prevent more customers from entering, Jackie walks toward Sonny, filling out a slip at the left-hand area. CAMERA FOLLOWS Jackie. He stops at deposit-slips desk, next to Sonny. CLOSE - SAL as if by pre-arranged signal, Sal now stands up, moves to the side of Mulvaney's desk. SAL You the manager? ON MULVANEY who is still on the phone. He gestures at the sign on his desk that says so, and gestures for Sal to sit down. ON SAL as he sits, producing as he does a machine pistol, which he holds on Mulvaney's chest, out of sight from others in the bank. MULVANEY His mouth simply stops, and he stares at the gun. Mulvaney is a comic opera Irishman in his early fifties, florid... cheerful, bushy eyebrows; he acts out everything he says... SAL Just go on talking, like nothing was happening, okay? MULVANEY (into phone) Listen, lemme call you back. He hangs up, and looks from the gun up to Sal's blank hard face. To his own amazement, he grins: a hopeful grin that says: "Like me - don't hurt me." And he's embarrassed by it. As we watch, his smile turns sour. HIS POV - FLASH Sal's absolutely unmoved face. TWO SHOT - SONNY AND JACKIE Jackie moves over to Sonny. JACKIE Sonny, I'm gettin' real bad vibes. SONNY Jackie - what are you talking about? JACKIE Maybe we can take something smaller... like a Spanish grocery. SONNY (indicating what's happening with Sal and Mulvaney) It's too late - just get away from me - don't talk to me now - go over to your place... Jackie moves to another deposit-slips desk - takes one out and begins to fill it out. ON TELLER'S CAGE AREA as a LADY with a BABY in a stroller moves away from the Teller and starts to walk toward the front door. DEBORAH is marking figures on a piece of paper at 1st Teller's cage. SYLVIA and MIRIAM stand behind her - their backs to Sonny. Howard, who has put the folded flag in a plastic bag in a front desk, follows Lady toward the door. He unlocks the door and hands the Baby a lollipop, courtesy of the bank, and she exits the bank. CLOSE - NEW ANGLE - SONNY glancing at clock, taking a sharp deep breath... SAL staring at Mulvaney. MULVANEY the ruins of his smile still on his face. HOWARD straightens up from locking the door; the figure of the Lady and the Baby can be seen receding outside... SONNY seeing that the bank is closed, locked in, with no customers, crosses toward the front teller's cage area, carrying the florist box. As he reaches the other side, he rips open the box and takes the rifle out and aims it level onto SYLVIA BALL, the teller, who automatically takes the "closed" sign and holds it in front of her face as though to protect herself from the rifle. SYLVIA (holding sign in front of her face) Sorry, this window is shut... TWO SHOT - MULVANEY AND SAL as Mulvaney stands and yells to Sylvia... ANGLE ON BACK OF BANK, REST ROOM AREA as MARGARET, an accountant, comes out of the ladies' room, starts to cross downstage toward her desk, sees what is happening, and momentarily freezes in her tracks. SONNY The cues have got all fucked up, but he's so programmed and ready, he can't adjust, so the speech he had ready comes out now: SONNY Okay, this is a stickup! Nobody move! This is a fucking stickup! Just freeze now, goddammit! Get away from your desk... get in the center - get in the center! Sylvia and Edna start to move toward the rear of the bank, toward Margaret's desk. MULVANEY aghast at his own outspokenness... Sal holding the gun levelled on him. MULVANEY Okay, okay... we know it's a stickup! SONNY (to Jackie, re: Howard) If he moves - blow his guts out... Cover him! TWO SHOT - SONNY & JACKIE Jackie, staring at the real guns, turns to Sonny... JACKIE I'm sorry, Sonny... I can't make it... Jackie starts to move toward the front door. SONNY Hey, for christ's sake... now... fuckin' asshole... (turns to Sal) He can't make it. SAL Fuck him - let him out! Sonny yells out at frozen Howard. SONNY Hey... let him out! MULVANEY (yells) Do what the gentleman says, Howard. Sonny sees that Howard is useless, so he runs to Howard, grabbing the keys from him and pulls Howard along with him to the front door. Jackie unlocks the door, and Jackie, with a last apologetic glance, gives his gun to Sonny and vanishes into the sweltering afternoon. Sonny then frisks Howard and has a sudden afterthought as he locks the door again. He quickly unlocks it and shouts out at Jackie. EXT. BANK - DAY SONNY Hey, don't take the car! JACKIE (on sidewalk) Well, how'll I get home? SONNY Take the subway. We need the car. (as Jackie starts to walk away) Hey, gimme the keys - the keys! Jackie stops, fumbles for keys, crosses back to Sonny with them. JACKIE (points to fig. desk) Sonny, there's somebody under that desk over there... I'm sorry... SONNY It's okay... it's okay... Sonny turns into the bank once more, as Jackie walks off toward the subway, pointing inside at a desk near the window as he does, to point something out to Sonny. INT. BANK - DAY Sonny, re-entering the bank, speaks to Howard. SONNY Lock it. Sonny now crosses to desk that Jackie indicated, as everyone watches him, as though it's all in the game. SONNY (taps loudly on top of desk) Hey... get outta there! Nobody's gonna hurt you. JENNY, a young, frightened girl, peeks out from under the desk, obviously afraid to reveal herself. Sonny starts to move toward the front of the bank. Sal turns so he can cover everyone. Sonny turns to order Howard. SONNY Pull the drapes. Howard doesn't move. SONNY Pulla drapes! Howard belatedly leaps to work, pulling drapes that screen off the interior from outside. The door has no drapes or blinds and thus when the drapes are closed there is a corridor of space across the street we will always be able to see. And from which people outside will always be able to see in. As Howard finishes the task, he then walks back to the huddled group on the rear. SONNY on his way to the back of the bank, is digging into his jacket pocket; he swings around as he passes the camera that is bolted to a wall bracket covering the tellers' area. He whips out a spray can and gives the lens a shot of red paint. There are three cameras in all, each of which he sprays. SONNY (grinning) No replay, folks... no alarms... After spraying the three cameras, he has reached Mulvaney's desk area. The girls are scattering to group farther back and Sonny and Mulvaney are heading for the vault. MULVANEY (on cross to vault with Sonny) We're hip... let's just get you all fixed up and on your way! MIRIAM, a young, awkward, overweight Jewish girl, chewing gum with nervous machine-like rapidity, moving toward the vault. The gate is closed, and she holds one key and Mulvaney the other. They pass Sal, who now holds the others in the bank under his gun while at the vault gate. SONNY Okay, is the vault open? MULVANEY I can take care of that. NEW ANGLE Mulvaney is about to insert his key in his lock. Sonny quickly reaches out and grabs Mulvaney's hand, and looks at the key he has extended. He explodes. SONNY Son of a bitch! He almost hits Mulvaney with his fist. SONNY What the fuck you tryin' to do? Trip the alarm? Use the spur key? Use the other one... He's grabbed the keys from Mulvaney and holds up the key Mulvaney was going to use... we're in a: VERY TIGHT TWO SHOT - MULVANEY AND SONNY'S HEADS Sonny holds the key right in the middle of the FRAME where Mulvaney and the audience can SEE the key has a tiny projection or spur at the end. If this key is used, the spur triggers a silent alarm. MULVANEY I must of been outta my mind. SONNY (furious) Well, you get your mind right. I'm a Catholic and I don't wanna hurt nobody, but goddamn it, don't you play no games with me. Unnastand?!? Mulvaney nods and picks out a key that is identical except for the spur. He shows it to Sonny. Sonny nods. NEW ANGLE as Mulvaney carefully uses the safe key to unlock the gate. Miriam is crying as she unlocks her side. The gate swings open. Sonny shoves Mulvaney inside and, as he passes Miriam, notices her tears. She just stands there staring into his face like a hypnotized chicken, the tears streaming down her face. Sonny stops, staring at her. Mulvaney, starting to open the gate, moves inside the vault, impatient... MULVANEY Okay. Let's get you on your way. Miriam - open the safe. Miriam hesitates. SONNY What's the matter with you? MULVANEY (to Miriam) Come on, lemme load you up... MIRIAM There isn't any money... Sonny looks at Mulvaney, alarmed... MIRIAM They picked it up this afternoon... SONNY No money?! (moves inside the vault) MIRIAM There's only about four thousand in singles, and maybe a few hundred in larger bills... he's going to kill us! Sonny storms into the vault. NEW ANGLE IN VAULT as Mulvaney pulls a cash drawer out to show Sonny: even we can see there isn't much there. Sonny searches for more, finds nothing. SONNY This is it? What am I gonna do with this? Holy shit! MULVANEY It's all we got. SONNY Okay, don't worry about it. Stick it in the bag... At this, Sonny pulls out a plastic bag from his pocket, hands it to Miriam, who opens it and puts the money into it. As he turns, we see that Miriam is still staring at him, terrified, and as his rifle swings around, she reels back with a little screech of terror... SONNY Ah, Jesus... SAL Let's go, Sonny. SONNY (suddenly gentle) What are you crying for? Jesus Christ. It's not your fault there's no money... MULVANEY She's afraid you're gonna shoot... (hands Sonny the bag of money) Sonny starts out of the vault toward the teller's area with bag of money. He speaks to Mulvaney. SONNY What the hell would I shoot her for? Miriam follows Sonny to teller's cages gate. He carries the bag. PHONE STARTS TO RING (#1) SONNY Answer the phone! Mulvaney crosses to his desk, picks up the receiver. Sal follows him, yanks receiver from one ear to the other, so he can hear conversation. SONNY (to Miriam) Okay... open this. Miriam crosses to gate, presses the necessary button and the gate opens from them. Sonny watches this carefully, noting where the buzzer button is. He crosses in front of the drawer at the first cage. He tries to open the drawer. It's obviously locked. SONNY Okay, who's the head teller here? SYLVIA I am. SONNY Open this up! Sylvia comes forward and unlocks the first drawer, and begins to remove the cash, but Sonny grabs her hands... alarmed... SONNY Don't take it all out! He grabs a piece of paper or cardboard... CLOSE SHOT - SONNY'S HANDS AND CASH IN DRAWER He takes all the singles but one out of the singles slot in the drawer, leaving the bottom single in place. It is held there by a metal clip. He carefully slips the paper under the clip and then removes the single. It is clear this is an automatic alarm - meanwhile... SONNY Boy, I can't trust a one of you... I worked in a bank, I know the alarms, so don't try to fool around with me! BACK TO SHOT OF SONNY AND SYLVIA AND MIRIAM as they move to 2nd cash drawer at 2nd teller's cage. Sylvia unlocks the drawer and starts to reach in for the cash, but Sonny pushes his hand into the drawer instead. He begins to stuff the money into the bag. Some fives, packaged with rubber bands, in the drawer, he holds up so Sal and all can see them... He laughs! SONNY Decoy money, right, it's marked! Shit! He throws it into the air so the bills flutter all around him, gaily... In the background, Mulvaney, having finished with the phone conversation, is moving to the rear with the rest of the girls. Sonny now moves to the 3rd cage's cash drawer... Mulvaney ends phone conversation and Sal moves him over to group at vault. SONNY (mimicking Sylvia) 'This window is shut...' Again, the same procedure begins. Sylvia unlocks the cash drawer and Sonny starts to scoop it out and put it into the opened plastic bag that Miriam holds. SAL Cheer up, you'll be the veteran of a robbery, the bank sends you a dozen red roses, you know that? At this point, THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN (#2) SONNY (yelling to Sal) Sal, let him answer the goddamn phones, they're driving me crazy! Look at this chicken shit! Again, Mulvaney starts to cross back to his desk, again followed by Sal. Sonny yells out to Mulvaney as he crosses to answer the phone. SONNY Hey, you, manager... Don't get any ideas, fucker... See that man there? I bark and he bites! MULVANEY Believe me, I'm on your side. SONNY My side, shit! They move to Drawer #4. SYLVIA Listen, we got young girls here... you could watch your language. SONNY I speak what I feel. MULVANEY ON THE PHONE MULVANEY Hello... I'm sorry I can't talk to you right now... I suggest you call during banking hours tomorrow. What is your name? BACK ON SONNY, SYLVIA AND MIRIAM SONNY Gimme the traveler's checks and the register. They cross toward the last drawer area (#5). Miriam is still crying silently. Sonny holds out the plastic bag for the checks for her. She drops it. SONNY Please... quit that. It's not necessary. With everything in the bag, Sonny now takes the register and starts to move the two girls toward the rear near the vault. MULVANEY Can you hurry it up? BACK TO SONNY as he moves toward the rear (Sylvia and Miriam now re-joining other women), to get a wastebasket. Accomplishing this, he starts to burn the pages of the register, tearing out pages as he does so. It's smokey as hell, but not burning well. He drops it, smoking, into the wastebasket. SONNY (to Howard) Hey, you! Give me the keys... We're gettin' outta here. HOWARD (gasping for breath) Huh? MULVANEY Howard? HOWARD Huh? ON HOWARD The old man is panicked, great patches of sweat spreading around his armpits. He breathes in asthmatic gasps; now he flinches at his name, as though he's been hit. MULVANEY (stands, receiver still to ear, then covering it with his hand) Howard, give him the keys... SONNY Gimme the keys to get outta here! Howard is unable to move. Seeing his predicament, Edna moves to him and starts to unfasten his belt to remove the keys. Mulvaney continues with his phone conversation. ON SONNY who now crosses to Howard and Edna, losing patience with the situation. As he moves closer, Howard backs away from him, frightened by his rifle. Seeing that, Sonny puts it down and looks over to Sal for coverage. SONNY Sal... As Sonny approaches Howard, he realizes that he can't get close enough. SONNY Take it easy... just gimme the keys. I'm not gonna hurt you. Listen, calm down, huh? You're gonna have a heart attack. Just gimme the keys... that's all I want. Howard gives him the keys and as Sonny starts to walk back toward the burning register... ON SAL with Mulvaney still on the phone. SAL (looking past camera, falling onto the floor behind Mulvaney) Sonny... who's that? Across the street. ON SONNY who now starts to move quickly toward the front of the bank, being sure to hide behind the posts as he moves. MULVANEY (O.S.) (on phone) No, it was the credit rating. The credit rating. I don't know, you'd have to find that out from him. Sonny has now reached the front of the bank. He carefully peeks out through the closed draperies to look outside. ANGLE ON STREET - SONNY'S POV A man, in a business suit, sweaty and harassed-looking, is walking from an insurance office across the street directly toward the bank... The man continues coming straight toward them and us... REVERSE Sonny starts to run back to get his gun from Margaret's desk. Mulvaney is still on the phone. MULVANEY It was something a couple of years ago in St. Louis, I don't know... Sonny grabs the gun from the desk top and moves over to Mulvaney. ANGLE ON DOOR AT FRONT OF BANK The man walks straight toward the glass door, already lifting his hand to shadow his eyes, so when he reaches the door, he'll be able to see inside. REVERSE ON SAL AND MULVANEY Sal brings the gun up so he can shoot the man, at the same time, crabbing himself aside so he is concealed behind Mulvaney and the desk. Mulvaney sees the approaching man and cups his hand over the phone. MULVANEY It's the insurance guy across the street. He probably saw the goddamn smoke! (motions toward smoking register) Please! Put out the fire! ON MAN The last few feet from the door. ON SONNY who rushes through the teller's cages gate toward the register, grabs the smoking register, throws it onto the floor near Edna's desk, and starts to stamp it out. MARGARET I'll get some water! Before anyone can move, Sonny grabs the gun on them all. SONNY Nobody move! Freeze! The women now begin to scream as real hysteria sets in. Deborah screams, collapses. CLOSE - ON SAL BRINGING GUN UP ON: DOOR The man actually kicks the glass with his foot, then leans against the glass, shades his eyes, trying to see in. MULVANEY (O.S.) Sorry... I can't talk now... I'll call you back. SOUND of hanging up. The man is looking all around. SAL AND MULVANEY SAL Get rid of him. MULVANEY Howard, wave him off. Tell him we're closed. Whatever... ON HOWARD who is useless. ON MULVANEY who starts to move toward the front door, looking over at Sonny trying to put out the fire. CAMERA FOLLOWS MULVANEY TO THE FRONT DOOR; Sonny moves with him, covering him all the time. ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR as Sonny stands behind closed venetian blinds to listen to the conversation and to cover Mulvaney. SONNY The gun's right on your back... MULVANEY Give me the keys... Sonny hands him the keys. VERY CLOSE SHOT - SAL He raises the gun and sights it now, and in this moment, we should sense a kind of luxurious relaxation into anticipation on Sal's part. He is smiling a little, and for the first time, looks happy, and that's what makes him seem dangerous. He's looking forward to an excuse to kill. It's here now: survival. There is something almost sexual about the way he settles his body down behind the weapon, getting ready for the squeeze on the trigger, the report, the violent shove of recoil against his muscles and sinews. In the background, we see Sylvia bringing Howard a cup of water. ANGLE ON DOOR emphasizing the small of Mulvaney's back. The man is somebody he knows from across the street. He looks worried and mystified... MULVANEY (unlocking door) What is it, Sam? SAM Everything's all right? You okay? MULVANEY Yeah, just a cigarette got in a wastebasket. Silence. Sam stares around... thinking. SAM You all right? MULVANEY Little smoke: like a Polish four- alarm fire, is all. SAM Yeah. Well, you're okay? MULVANEY Yeah, thanks for keeping an eye out. SAM Okay. He's not satisfied, but he can't see anything and he can't think of anything more to say, so... MULVANEY Thanks again, Sam. SAM I'm glad it's okay. MULVANEY It's okay. [Regards to the family, Sam.] Mulvaney locks the door and walks inside the bank, giving the keys back to Sonny. MULVANEY For God's sake, will you please go now? We gave you every nickel we got. SONNY You're goin' outside with me. If there's no cops around, we just split. Otherwise, you go with us. Mulvaney and Sonny starts to walk back toward Sal. As they do, the PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN (#3). SONNY (to Mulvaney) Answer it. Mulvaney shrugs helplessly. Picks up the phone, standing at desk opposite his. ON SAL SAL He's gone? SONNY Yeah - it's all right... let's go. MULVANEY ON PHONE MULVANEY Hello, Mulvaney here... TWO SHOT - SONNY & SAL SONNY Sal, get 'em in the vault. SAL Where's the money? SONNY Get 'em in the vault! As Sal starts to herd them into the vault (Sylvia helping Howard, still with the cup of water), Mulvaney is still on the phone. Sonny moves down to get the money bag atop the teller's cages and we hear Mulvaney on phone. MULVANEY (tired) What property is that, Mrs. Anterio? The Third Avenue property - you already got a second mortgage on. We discussed it before... ANGLE AT VAULT The girls are afraid; Miriam unlocks the gate as Sonny uses Mulvaney's keys to the matching lock. JENNY (from inside vault area) You won't close the vault? How can we breathe? SONNY No, that's okay... just close the gate... Sylvia, helping Howard, is the last to go through the gate. As Sonny is about to lock the gate, she turns to him. SYLVIA Listen, I'll never make it. I'll have to go to the toilet. SONNY What's the matter... they never housebroke you? SYLVIA It's not a joke. I got this terrible fear of being locked in... SAL Goddamn women... SONNY Ah shit. Okay... go ahead. Anybody else have to go? EDNA Me, too, please. SAL You see... now they all gotta go. As Sylvia starts to move out, Sonny starts to cross ahead of her. SONNY Wait a minute - I want to check. Mulvaney finishes his phone conversation. He moves toward the group at the vault. NEW ANGLE as Sonny sprints for the door to the Ladies' Room. INSIDE LADIES' ROOM It is a little lounge; sitting on a couch under the window, making up her face (or painting her toenails) and listening to her tiny transistor radio, oblivious to all that's happened, is MARIA, heavily-painted and voluptuous Latin girl. Sylvia, following him in, is shocked. She's forgotten about Maria. Now she runs over to her, puts her arms around her. SYLVIA Oh - Maria! SONNY Who the hell is that? God damn it! What the... Maria is about to protest, but Sylvia grabs her and starts to hustle her out. SONNY What are you trying to pull? SYLVIA I forgot she's in here. SONNY Come on, nobody's going to the bathroom - come on... He moves with them back to the vault area, herds them into it. At this point, PHONE RINGS AGAIN (#4). Sonny moves to get the empty wastebasket, shoving it into the vault for the girls to use in case of emergency. Mulvaney moves to his desk and phone. Mulvaney has by this time answered the phone, and is now holding it out to Sonny. HOLD THE BEAT... MULVANEY (to Sonny) It's for you. ON SONNY AND SAL They both stare at Mulvaney. Sonny slowly moves toward Mulvaney. For the first time since he entered the bank, he's quiet and slow. He takes the instrument and slowly puts it to his ear. The group from the vault now slowly starts to move out to listen to the conversation. SONNY (into phone) Yeah. MORETTI (V.O.) What are you doin' in there? SONNY Who's this? MORETTI (V.O.) This is Detective Sergeant Moretti, asshole, we got you completely by the balls. You don't believe me, I'm lookin' you right in the eye. Right now, I can see you... SAL Who is it? Sonny turns and looks out through the door. Sure enough, in the window of the barbershop across the street, the dim figure of a man on a telephone can be SEEN looking out toward us. He wears a hat in spite of the weather and a cigar is clamped in his mouth. He is an old-time, hard-nosed, uneducated, street-wise, sarcastic New York cop, outspoken, rude and sentimental. Right now he's a distant silhouette and a voice on the telephone. CLOSE ON SONNY holding the phone. Listening to the voice of his death speaking in New York accents. MORETTI (V.O.) Okay? Let's be reasonable and not stupid and not get anybody hurt. You come to the front door with hands folded on your head, unnastand? Nobody's gonna shoot or... Sonny slowly, almost sadly, puts the telephone receiver back down, cutting off the little voice at the other end. He looks up at Mulvaney, then to Sal. SONNY (to Sal) It's the cops. Shit! SAL How'd that happen? MULVANEY (backing away from Sonny) I swear to God... on my salary, I'm not gonna be any hero... SONNY I took too long. SAL It was the fire, asshole! Sonny paces. MULVANEY I told you, just go, get out when you could, but no, you just got to hang around. Sonny is pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. SONNY Oh, shit! I gotta have time to think. SYLVIA What is it? Did you just barge in here... He doesn't have plan. It's all a whim. (sarcastic) 'Rob a bank! What not?' SONNY ...Just give me time to think... PHONE STARTS TO RING (#5). MULVANEY We're all in the barrel together... Phone continues to ring. Sonny finally grabs it (desk opposite Mulvaney). SONNY (into phone) All right, bastards! You keep away from the bank or we start throwing bodies out the front door one at a time. You got that? A startled apologetic man's voice speaks: Now ANOTHER PHONE BEGINS TO RING (#6). MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) I just called to ask Jenny what time she's gonna get off. SONNY Who's this? MAN (V.O.) It's her husband. Sonny abruptly holds the phone out from his body at arm's length, disgusted. SONNY Is there a Jenny here? Nobody moves. They all stare at him. Finally he singles her out. SONNY It's your husband. Jenny starts to move toward Sonny. JENNY What do I say? SONNY Tell him the truth! Tell him whatever you tell him! OTHER PHONE CONTINUES TO RING (#6). As he puts down the phone for her to pick up, Sonny reaches for the other phone that is RINGING. SONNY What a fuckin' comedy! (into phone) WNEW plays all the hits. MORETTI (V.O.) Listen, first off, is anybody hurt in there? SONNY ...But you keep away from the bank or we start throwing bodies out the front door one at a time... You got it? Okay? He hangs up the phone. Sal looks at him. SAL You mean that? SONNY What? SAL ...The bodies out the door. SONNY I want him to think that. SAL But do you mean it? At this moment, Jenny, phone in hand, is turned to him, respectfully like a child in an authoritarian household, addressing her father: JENNY He wants to know what time you think you'll be through. ON SONNY stares at her. For the first time, he realizes how frightened she is, how serious, grotesque, and funny it all is. He takes the time to be tender with her, as though she were a not-too-bright child in the presence of a tragedy she'll never understand. SONNY Tell him I don't know. Now Sonny turns to speak to Mulvaney. SONNY Where's the back door? MULVANEY It's locked on the inside. (beat) It's through that passageway and to the right. Sonny disappears toward the back door. Jenny continues her phone conversation. MAN (V.O.) Jenny? JENNY He says he doesn't know. Why don't you cook whatever's there? MAN (V.O.) It looks like a whole roast. JENNY Honey, send out for Kentucky fried chicken. The baby, just open a bottle of prunes, and one of the beef. The bottles are in the fridge. MULVANEY (to Jenny) Hurry up! MAN (V.O.) I know how to fix the bottle. They got guns? JENNY (with the baby on her mind) What guns? MAN (V.O.) The robbers in the bank. They got guns? JENNY Yeah. A lot of guns. MAN (V.O.) Well, stay away from them. Don't get close. JENNY Oh, yeah, I will... Now Sonny returns from the rear door area, sees that she's still on the phone and signals to her to hurry up. SONNY Hey, Jenny - let's go... JENNY Hon? I got to go. MAN (V.O.) I love you. Jenny hesitates. Everyone is looking at her. They look away, as though to give her privacy. JENNY Yeah. Well, I got to go now... A beat of silence. Realizes she can't talk... MAN (V.O.) I'll kiss the baby for you. JENNY (past embarrassment) I love you. She hangs up and then crosses to the group by the vault. NEW ANGLE on Sonny as he moves to Sal, to reassure Sal out of some guiltiness about trapping him in this situation. His tone apologetic... almost tender... SONNY Sal, I'm sorry about this. But we can get outta this thing. There's a way outta this. SAL Are you serious? About throwin' a body outta here if we have to? SONNY Well, I stalled him for a while. When it comes the time, then we'll work it out. Okay? SAL But do you mean it?... But you just told him that if worse comes to worse... SONNY I want him to think that. SAL But I want to know what you think. SONNY We won't have to. SAL I'll tell you right now - that I'm ready to do it. Now Sonny moves over to the group at the vault gate and speaks to them. SONNY What I want to say is... everything's gonna be all right... if we all cooperate and we don't, you know... carry on... I don't know you and you don't know me... and what I'm tryin' to tell you is that if you stay cooled out, we can work this thing out and nobody's going to get hurt... believe me, I don't want to hurt anybody... Everybody is going to have a chance to do what they have to do... she's gotta go to the bathroom - so you go - and you can go after... Everybody's gonna get a chance... Everybody's gonna get a chance to use the phone... Let's just take it a step at a time. Sonny now turns toward Mulvaney. Howard lies down, head on jacket, in the vault. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Now, you -- what's your name? MULVANEY Mulvaney... SONNY You and me are checking the other ways in and out. Sal takes a position where he can cover the door and also the girls and Howard. NEW ANGLE as Sonny and Mulvaney move toward the rear of the bank. SONNY Let's go to the back door. (referring to Howard) How'd that guy get to be a guard? MULVANEY Well, they go to guard school. SONNY To what... learn how to shoot? They don't get a gun. MULVANEY They make $105 a week to start. They fold the flag, check the place out in the morning. I don't know what they learn, Sonny. At some point in their move toward the rear door, Sylvia exits the Ladies' room and moves back toward the group. MULVANEY Here we are... the back door. They look at it. It is big, black, steel and seems solid. Sonny tests it. SONNY They could shoot the lock... I want to block it, so if they try comin' here, we're gonna hear it. Here, you pull on that side. (puts gun aside) He has found a big office machine, a Xerox or whatever, which he now starts to push toward the door. On the opposite side, Mulvaney starts to pull it toward the door. It's very heavy and they have to strain to budge it at all. Meanwhile: SONNY You got kids? MULVANEY I got two kids... and I'd like to see them again. SONNY Ah, I know! You're being very cooperative. I got no complaint against you whatever; you got bank insurance? Mulvaney has removed his suit jacket. MULVANEY You know I do. You seem to know a lot about bank procedure. Sonny laughs and pushes the machine. Mulvaney pulls from the opposite side. SONNY Don't ask me questions. I got connections. You find out who I am, you're cold meat. MULVANEY I don't care who you are... (shove) I just want to get you outta here, safe, right? SONNY What if I take you with me? MULVANEY (stopping to rest for a beat, thinking) If you take anybody, please take me. SONNY They'll shoot you; the fucking cops'll shoot you... they don't give a damn. In spite of that bank insurance. You see what they did in Attica, they shot everybody, the hostages, prisoners, cops, guards, forty-two people they killed, the innocent with the guilty. They have the machine almost to the door now, with Mulvaney almost pinned between the machine and the door. He eases himself out. Looks at the gun, then at Sonny, then they shove the machine against the door. Sonny then gives Mulvaney his jacket to put on again. SONNY Anyway, I'm not gonna take you. I'm gonna take one of the girls, a married one with a couple of kids. The cops don't like it in the papers when they kill a mother, especially if she's got young kids. Finished with the task, Sonny takes his gun and with Mulvaney, they start to cross back toward Sal and the rest of the group. SONNY You're just a nice guy, Mr. Mulvaney. Only don't fuck around with me, you know what I mean? MULVANEY I don't fool around with you. Mulvaney crosses back to his desk and sits down. At this point, all the phones are off the hooks. EXT. (AERIAL) ANGLE FROM INT. POLICE HELICOPTER (OVER BANK) As it banks steeply we can see past Pilot to bank, and cops around car. We see a small crowd being held back by a few police still setting up barricades. It is the first indication of the crowd event it became. It also sets the geography for us, but very quickly another copter swims into view and the two circle each other. The other copter -- only feet away -- is a TV news helicopter, with a big camera sticking out the open door on our side. It is turned down by the Cameraman to focus on the bank. A COP in the police helicopter yells through his bullhorn at the TV Cameraman. BULLHORN COP This is a restricted area. You are flying in a restricted area... The TV Cameraman swivels his camera up to focus on the Cop, and as the lens hits us dead center... INT. APARTMENT NEAR BANK Though an open window a fire escape can be seen and beyond it an angle of street and the bank. Near the window in a corner is a TV set, and on the TV set we are seeing the shot of the police helicopter and the Cop yelling on the bullhorn as seen from the TV copter. A couple of Elderly Men are sitting watching the TV set, ignoring the bank, which they can see in the flesh, as it were. Outside we are HEARING the copters, and on the TV set likewise, and the voice of the Announcer. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) ...police as yet have made no contact with the bank robbers who are locked in the bank... There is a HAMMERING at the door, and the men at the TV set barely have time to look around before several burly Cops wearing flak vests and helmets and carrying sniper rifles with telescopic slights move through the room, ignoring the men. They move out onto the fire escape, a couple going up higher, settling themselves down to aim in their rifles on the front of the bank. A lot of AD LIB dialogue, but what we note is the Cops, as a man, take a look at themselves on the TV. EXT. BANK - DAY The FRAME is full of cop faces... tough, mesomorphic faces with a layer of fat under the skin, increasing as age. They have the look of cops: alert, curious, weighing. They are city cops; they don't have that old-fashioned condemnatory expression, there is an element of playfulness in their nature -- the fact is they love their work, which is criminals. There is a peculiar delight in ferreting out the criminal impulse in everybody, and a matching fury in punishing it -- which is the action of repressing their own strongly developed criminal unconscious. These are tense, funny, violent, and rigidly controlled men. MORETTI is an old-line cop, a lot more relaxed than the younger men and the cold professionals of the FBI, who as a group resemble astronauts, and like them hide (but do not deny) the psychic chaos underneath. Right now they are looking at the sky. We HEAR a heavy helicopter track. We feature SHELDON, the silver-haired FBI Agent-in-Charge, who looks like an accountant, and Moretti, with hat and cigar, and a face out of Warner Brothers movies of the Forties. In spite of Sheldon's age, Moretti plays though he's a smart kid who still needs a little help. Sheldon is getting out of a gray car, wears a gray suit. Three men with him are carbon copies of him at younger ages. The three hang around him. They approach Moretti who looks at them without moving. MORETTI (to no one) Here comes the FBI. (to Sheldon) You men lookin' for protection? We got all the police right here. SHELDON Why didn't you just wait and try to take 'em out there in the street? Moretti looks at him, cheerfully sarcastic. MORETTI I made an error in judgment. I thought the sons of bitches would be overwhelmed with remorse at the sight of a police officer. And you know somethin'? Nobody has said hostage yet. Unnastan? They are moving past Cops on the corner heading toward a small barbershop across the street from the bank. We now sense the growing crowd, standing quietly, just staring not yet knowing what's going on. NEW ANGLE From down the street come a group of odd-looking men in suits, carrying all kinds of electric junk: The NEW REPORTERS. They run heavily, sweating martinis and cigarette smoke... they run up to Moretti and Sheldon, who walk along, trying not to catch an eye. MOVING SHOT - MORETTI AND SHELDON AMONG NEWSMEN. VOICES How many in the bank? Have they got hostages? Any shots exchanged? (Etc., AD LIB) MORETTI No, we don't know that yet. This young fella without the hat is FBI. I'm Detective Sergeant Eugene Moretti ... M-O-R-E-double-T-I. Eugene. I don't give a shit, but my wife cries if you spell it wrong. They have arrived at the barber shop where Moretti fights his way inside. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY A COP is talking on the wall phone as MORETTI, BAKER, etc. are trying to get inside. COP ...no, just get hold of Al, tell him to get the catering truck over to 26th and Avenue B, there's a bank robbery in progress and big crowd. Big! Tell him to bring ice cream -- I got to hang up. He hangs up and immediately begins thumbing through a POCKET PHONE BOOK. Throughout this Cop is engaged in personal business on the fringe of this affair, and though he's on duty he hardly knows what's happening on the robbery. He's trying to get his brother-in-law with the ice cream truck down here, etc. Moretti has got the crowd cleared back, so that now we SEE why this has been chosen as a tactical command post. From here, while talking on the phone, Moretti can see the bank, and through the uncurtained door he can even see some distance inside. Moretti picks up the phone. MORETTI (to phone cop) You get the phone company? PHONE COP It's being set up... this phone'll be a direct line into the bank. Moretti is already dialing. The phone is answered. INT. BANK - DAY (Re Moretti's 3rd conversation on phone with Sonny.) The group inside the bank have now been waiting approximately twelve minutes since anything last happened. Sonny is seated at Mulvaney's desk, all the phones off the hooks. The rest of the group is huddled around the vault area where Sal is keeping his eye on them. Suddenly, Sonny jumps up and puts all the receivers back on the hooks, crossing back to sit at Mulvaney's desk again. PHONE STARTS TO RING and Sonny picks it up. MORETTI Okay, you're in there and we're out here. What do we do now? SONNY I told you -- keep away. I don't know what we do now. MORETTI Awright, but I wanna talk to you. First off, we wanna know if the people in the bank are okay. SONNY They're okay. MORETTI You alone, or you got confederates? SONNY I'm not alone. MORETTI How many you got in there? SONNY I got Sal. MORETTI Sal? What's that for? Salvatore? SONNY Sal. He's the killer. We're Vietnam veterans so killing don't mean anything to us, you understand? A cop passing by presses a portable two-way radio into Moretti's hand: He accepts it and holds as though he expected it. The Cop passes the same type of set to certain other officers. These sets are tuned in to each other, and throughout the movie, there is a constant background talk on these sets. This is police procedure; the orders are for everyone to talk about everything. If anyone has a question, has heard a rumor or a sound, whatever, it is immediately responded to, so that there can be the fewest possible surprises. Sample dialogue might go: "Did I hear a shot?" "Over here, by the bank, there was a report like a gunshot, inside." "Roger, we heard that from the barbershop... it was inside the bank." "Barbershop, you can see inside?" "Roger, we heard from the barbershop... it was inside the bank." "Barbershop, you can see inside?" "Roger, this is the barbershop, we see inside, the perpetrator is moving toward the rear of the bank." "Who's that guy walking through the barricade?" "The blue suit?" "Yeah." "Off-duty Inspector come down to see can you use him." Etc. They really do use the word Perpetrator, Felon, etc. The Cop handing out radios makes Moretti sign for it -- which Moretti does during the following: MORETTI Right -- got ya. Okay, so there's you -- what's your name? SONNY What do you want to know that for? MORETTI Give me a name, any name, just so I got somethin' to call you. SONNY Call me Sonny-boy. MORETTI Sonny-boy, one word? SONNY One word. You won't find it in the phone book. MORETTI Listen, Sonny... can I call you Sonny for short? SONNY Call me whatever you want. MORETTI Okay, Sonny, I want to see if the people in the bank are okay, then what I want to do is work out a way to get them out of there. I want to come over there, without a gun... and you can frisk me. So you can see you can trust me. So we can talk and find a way outta this mess. SONNY I frisk you? MORETTI You frisk me. SONNY Right -- I'm with you, buddy. MORETTI I'd like just some sign I can trust you too, Sonny. I don't want to trust my body out where you could just shoot me. Some sight... right? SONNY Sure... like... I'm not gonna shoot you. MORETTI How about letting the people out of the bank. Why put them in this position? SONNY They're what's keeping me alive. You think you're dealing with an idiot? Talk to me then. MORETTI Okay, give us the women. SONNY Oh, no... Women is all we got. MORETTI You're all one way! I'm bein' reasonable with you; give me somethin'... Give me one of them, anyway... Just one... SONNY So -- you want me to send one out there... Okay. I'll see what I can do. Sonny hangs up and moves over to Sal. The rest of the group has been trying to make out what's being said at the other end of the conversation. SONNY (to Sal) He wants one. SAL Dead or alive? SONNY Alive. Now Sonny looks at the group. SONNY Okay... who's gonna go first? Mulvaney now stands up at his desk, looks over at the group near the vault. They look back at him, waiting for some instructions. MULVANEY It's up to you ladies. SYLVIA Howard! They are now unified. Sonny whispers something to Sal. SONNY To show that we're negotiating. SAL All right... send them the guard. SONNY All right... let's go. Sylvia takes Howard by the arms and starts to lead him toward the front door. Sal watches as they move toward front door. SAL Cover her, Sonny. Sonny moves with them toward the front door, his gun aimed at them during the walk. Finally they arrive, and Howard moves toward the door by himself. But the door is obviously locked. SYLVIA He needs the keys. Sonny gives her the keys. SAL (from the rear) Only one, Sonny. Sonny covers Sylvia as she moves to unlock the front door for Howard. SYLVIA Go along, Howard. ANGLE OUTSIDE DOOR As Howard is pushed out the door by Sylvia, a cop from a nearby car rushes up to him and shoves him to a curbside car where he bends Howard over the car, putting his hands behind him for handcuffs and starts to frisk him. HOWARD'S POV - QUICK CUTS About 100 weapons ranging from machine guns to hand guns to sniper rifles are whipped up and pointed straight at his chest and head. The effect is as though he is about to be blown entirely away. ANGLE ON THE BARBER SHOP Moretti rushes out, screaming to the cop with Howard. MORETTI Don't fire! THE RADIO NETWORK SCREAMS RADIO VOICES Did he say fire? What fire? Do we fire or what? Who fired? (Etc.) VARIOUS COPS Confusion reigns. They don't know if the perpetrator or not, since they haven't yet seen Sal or Sonny. Guns are up, aimed, being pushed down... Cops run for better vantage points. ANGLE ON HOWARD as Moretti reaches him. He pulls the cop away from him and starts to give him hell for the rough treatment being given the guard. ANGLE IN DOOR OF BANK With Sylvia in doorway, staring wildly at the street scene. Sonny is beside her covering her with his rifle. SYLVIA My God! That's Howard! We voted to send him out! VARIOUS ANGLES as the cops slowly realize their mistake. They stand back from Howard, who is virtually catatonic with fear and shock now. They get him up, a reluctant to believe they could have made such a mistake... ANGLE ON TV CAMERAMAN Near barber shop, across the street, jockeying, trying to focus in on him, elbowing each other, they yell out: CAMERAMAN Hey! Come out, get in the light. Hey, out where we can get a shot, huh? Who's the black guy? (etc. AD LIBS) LOW ANGLE - HELICOPTER (TO AND FROM) swings in over street to try for a shot. Howard is being taken in the direction of the barber shop. MORETTI to Cops. MORETTI Get him outta here! DOOR OF BANK Sonny back in the shadows with Sylvia, looking at Moretti, appalled. ON MORETTI Behind him a mob scene. Howard is being led away, weeping. Photographers, cops, a phalanx of cops have their weapons levelled on Sonny like a firing squad. It is right on the edge of violence... of blowing up. Sonny and Sylvia are in the shelter of the doorway, Moretti stands on the sidewalk, looking toward Sonny inside the bank. MORETTI Sonny - come out here a minute. At this point, he removes his jacket and drops it to the ground, showing Sonny that he is unarmed. SONNY You got these cops outta here. They're comin' in too close. MORETTI Come on. I want you to see something. SONNY You want me to give up, huh? Look, Sal's in back with the girls. Anything happens to me - one move - and Sal gives it to them. Boom boom. How do I know you won't jump me? MORETTI I don't forget about Sal and the boom boom room. I want you to see this. Sonny turns back to tell Sal he's going outside. Moretti stands well out in the street, to reassure Sonny nobody is going to try to jump him. Sonny stares around; he nudges Sylvia out ahead of him. As they edge into sight of the Media across the street: NEWSMEN AND PHOTOGRAPHERS Out in the light. Hey, Lady! You're on TV, Lady! Smile, any... god damn thing... ANGLES - SHOWING CROWDS straining against police lines: this is where we begin to sense the size of the event. People are eating popsicles and ice cream. They are diverted and excited. Sonny and Sylvia begin to emerge: CATCALLS and HOOTS of greeting... CLOSER - SONNY AND SYLVIA as he looks around, and the impact of his situation really hits him: he's not only totally surrounded, he's an event. Some of the crowd CHEER him. An army of Cops, and guns all levelled on Sonny. MORETTI Let Sal come out, take a look. What hope you got? Quit while you're ahead. All you got is attempted robbery. SONNY ...armed robbery... MORETTI Well, armed, then. Nobody's been hurt. Release the hostages, nobody is gonna worry over kidnapping charges, the worst you're gonna get is five years -- you can be out in a year. Sonny stares at him, his face utterly blank. SONNY Kiss me. Moretti stops, stares back. MORETTI What? SONNY (deadpan) When I'm bein' fucked, I like to be kissed a lot. (bursting out) Who the fuck are you tryin' to con me into some deal? You're a city cop, where's the FBI? This is a federal offense, I got kidnapping, armed robbery, they're gonna bury me! You know it, you can't talk for them, you're some flunky pig tryin' to bullshit me. Now God damn it, get somebody in charge here to talk to me! MORETTI Calm down, you're not... SONNY Calm down... look at this, look at him...! Gestures at the cops, the wall of rifles and machine guns levelled on him. It is incredible and terrifying... SONNY (continuing) They wanna kill me so bad they can taste it! He takes a defiant step into the street. The crowd SCREAMS as they get their first view, which is of Sonny telling the Cops off. They don't need to hear the words, they can see it. SONNY (screaming) Attica! Attica! Go ahead! Blow off the front of the whole God damn bank! He holds his hands wide offering himself as a target to the hulking officer. SONNY (to the TV) If it wasn't for you guys they'd kill everybody and say it was me and Sal. (to Moretti) You tell 'em to put the guns down. I can't stand it. He means it. Moretti gestures to the officers to back away, lower the guns. The crowd YELLS: Sonny has beat the Cops. He is momentarily their hero. It's a breaking point. Moretti makes a decision. MORETTI (Cop language command to put gun away) All right - put the guns down! He has to YELL it twice before the Cop slowly, angrily, stuffs the gun into his holster. SOUND: The crowd screams. ON SONNY hearing the Crowd APPLAUSE. He turns and grins and waves to them. They SCREAM more. He turns and waves to the media. They've been YELLING. MEDIA Hey, over here! Give us a wave! It is at this point that newsman leans out a window of the second floor of the bank, quickly lowering a mike boom. Sylvia sees this above her head. ON MORETTI unhappy, looking around at Sheldon, who shrugs. He did what he had to do. ON SONNY Suddenly realizing what control he has, enjoying it. He turns mockingly his left and his right profile to cameras. INT. TENEMENT HALLWAY A FAT WOMAN runs heavily, stumbling, a delighted grin on her face, up the stairs PAST CAMERA, yelling to someone unseen upstairs. FAT WOMAN Vi! Oh, Jesus. Vi! Turn on the TV, turn the TV on, you can see it's him. INT. VI'S APARTMENT - DAY Small, jammed with little things of sentimental value and cheap furniture, clean, but well-worn. VI, a small woman in her fifties, with a perpetual smile, and the sweating Fat Woman trot in, just as Vi's HUSBAND, a dour man in his fifties, is exiting. FAT WOMAN ...I swear to God it looked just like him! He hesitates in the doorway as the two women rush to the TV which is already on, the station showing live coverage of the bank robbery. On SCREEN, Sonny can be seen ordering the cops around. Moretti looks furious. ON THE TV SET VI (as the recognizes Sonny) Oh, My God in Heaven! TV NEWSMAN ...the robber, whose identity is not known, came out of the bank, with a hostage, Mrs. Sylvia Ball... FAT WOMAN (proud) Did I tell you? He looks good! IMAGE OF SYLVIA ON TV VI What's he doin' this for? He didn't tell me he needed money. He would of told me. TV NEWSMAN ...Mrs. Ball, is everyone all right in the bank? HUSBAND Why rob a bank when you got a sucker for a mother? SYLVIA Oh, yeah, the one girl was cryin', but we're havin' a ball, so far, if just nobody shoots... VI Why didn't he tell me? NEWSMAN What about the man inside the bank? What is he doing? HUSBAND I just hope he gives the wrong name. He reaches for TV to turn it off. Vi stops him. SYLVIA Sal? He never talks, only goes: 'Sonny, you want me to shoot that one, this one.' HUSBAND Is that all there is -- that little bastard down there in the bank? TV NEWSMAN Mrs. Ball, do you think they might shoot, if they get desperate? VI You got money for the subway? SYLVIA Hey, wait, he's goin' back in. (she turns OUT OF PICTURE) FAT WOMAN Subway! It's a special occasion -- take a cab, for God's sake! NEW IMAGE Sonny returning toward bank. EXT. BANK - DAY TWO SHOT - SONNY AND MORETTI as they shake hands. As Sonny starts into the bank first, he holds the door open, waiting for Sylvia. In the meantime, the 2nd-floor media man yells down to her. SYLVIA (looking up toward them) I gotta go now. MEDIA (2ND FLOOR) Hey, lady... you're out now. Stay out! Sonny, waiting patiently, holds door open for her. SYLVIA They're my girls. They need me in there. And she walks through the door past Sonny and into the bank. Moretti yells up at the media to get the hell away and at the same time, turns to a nearby cop and gives orders for the air conditioning to be turned off inside the bank. As the crowd realizes what has happened, they APPLAUD and SCREAM. At the door: ANGLE IN BANK DOOR as Sonny turns to grin and wave back at crowd. CUT TO: INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny and Sylvia walk into bank and head for the group at the rear. Mulvaney is seated at his desk, but the rest of the girls are standing around the vault area. Sylvia heads for the girls as Sonny walks toward Sal. SYLVIA Hey, girls -- I was on television... MULVANEY (to passing Sonny) What about Howard? Sonny makes reassuring gesture to let him know Howard is safe. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Turn on the TV. Mulvaney turns on the TV set. In the meantime, Sylvia has reached the other girls. GIRLS What happened? And Sylvia begins to recount the events out on the street, mainly about herself as a television celebrity. ANGLE ON TV SET as we see the image of a TV NEWSMAN across the street. Then, as his director CUTS, we will see on the TV set an ANGLE ON THE BANK AS SEEN FROM ACROSS THE STREET. The TV Cameraman ZOOMS and the TV image ZEROES IN through the door to show a partially-screened but quite clear image of Sonny, talking to Sal. SONNY (to Sal) The whole media is out there... it looks a lot better for us than it did before... ON SAL absorbing this... TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) We can see the robbers inside the bank, and we're trying now to establish contact. THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING. TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) We're on the telephone to the bank manager, Patrick J. Mulvaney... Mister Mulvaney... Mulvaney answers the phone. MULVANEY'S VOICE (V.O.) Yes, I can hear you. SONNY serious, nodding to Sal. TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) Can you put the robber on the phone? Will he talk to us? MULVANEY'S VOICE (V.O.) You wanna talk to him... Sonny... Sonny turns, trying to understand... NEW ANGLE SONNY What? MULVANEY The TV... they want to talk to you... He holds out the phone. Sonny walks over to him and takes the receiver. On the TV screen, we can see him doing this. SONNY (into phone) Yeah? Who's this? WABC TV NEWSMAN Sir, you're on the air. I wonder if you'd answer a few questions. SONNY (to Sal) Hey, Sal... (to phone) Sure. TV NEWSMAN Why are you doing this? SONNY Doing what? TV NEWSMAN Robbing a bank. SONNY I don't know... It's where they got the money. I mean, if you want to steal, you go to where they got the money, right? Jenny now edges over and sits on top of Edna's desk. TV NEWSMAN But I mean, why do you need to steal? Couldn't you get a job? SONNY Get a job doing what? You gotta be a member of a union, no union card - no job. To join the union, you gotta get the job, but you don't get the job without the card. TV NEWSMAN What about, ah, non-union occupations? SONNY Like what? Bank teller? What do they get paid - (now looks over at girls who offer the information - $135.37) they pay one hundred thirty-five dollars and thirty-seven cents to start. I got a wife and kids. I can't live on that -- You want to live on that? What do you make a week? TV NEWSMAN (swiftly, evasive) I'm here to talk to you, Sonny, not... SONNY Wait a minute... I'm talkin' to you. I'm askin' you a question... TV NEWSMAN The audience is interested in you, Sonny... not me. SONNY Yeah! We're hot entertainment, right? You got me and Sal on TV... we're entertainment you sell, right? TV NEWSMAN You're news, Sonny... SONNY How much you have to pay an entertainer to fill this slot? TV NEWSMAN Newsman, not... SONNY Okay, newsman. How much you make a week? (beat) You're not talkin'. You payin' me? What have you got for me? We're givin' you entertainment... what are you givin' us? TV NEWSMAN What do you want us to give you? You want to be paid for... SONNY I don't want to be paid. I'm here with Sal and eight other people... and we're dyin'! They're gonna blow our guts out, man! You're gonna see our brains onna sidewalk! How's that for all you shut-ins and housewives to look at! You gonna help, or you just put it on instead of AS THE WORLD TURNS? We're dyin' here! What have you got for me? TV NEWSMAN You could give up. SONNY Oh yeah? Give up? You ever been in prison? TV NEWSMAN Of course not... SONNY Then talk about somethin' you fuckin' know about... At that instant, the TV screen switches to a PLEASE STAND BY card and we hear an announcer's voice over: ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, our transmission has been temporarily interrupted. Please stand by. Sonny hangs up the phone, looks at Mulvaney, puzzled at the outcome of the conversation. SONNY Why the hell did he do that? What the hell did I do? MULVANEY I guess he didn't appreciate your use of language. They don't speak that way on television. It's a rule. Do you realize you've cut off a valuable source of communication? Sonny now moves over to Sal. SONNY Okay, Sal... what do we do? SAL (no answer) SONNY I figure maybe we can get the FBI to make a deal... SAL What kind of a deal? SONNY Maybe we can get outta this thing alive... get 'em to drop the kidnapping charges... SAL What do you mean? You talkin' about coppin a plea? SONNY (starts to speak, but Sal interrupts) SAL ...because if you're talking about coppin' a plea, I'm tellin' you right now, there's no deal... I'm never going back to prison... We got our own deal already... Do you remember the pact we made? You and me and Jackie - that night in the bar... we were talkin' about if we get trapped in the bank, what are you gonna do... Right? What did we say? What did we say! SONNY We'd kill ourselves. SAL Does that still go? PHONE RINGS. SONNY We're not there yet. PHONE CONTINUES TO RING. Sonny now walks over to the ringing phone on Edna's desk. Jenny, sitting on top of the desk, thinks the call is from her husband, starts to reach for it but as she does, Sonny grabs it away from her. SONNY You're on the phone! 1ST CRANK (V.O.) Kill them all. Now. It's a heavy adhesive voice that can be heard clearly throughout the bank. SONNY Kill them all now? You fuckin' creep! Don't call here again! Sonny slams down the receiver, looks around at the group. SONNY You see what we're dealing with? They want me to kill all of you! MULVANEY What now, Sonny? SONNY Wait a minute... I've been looking at this all wrong... Let's look at it the other way... He crosses over to Sal. SONNY Look, we gotta get a jet outta here... outta the country. We gotta get a helicopter. Okay, Sal? We get a helicopter on the roof to take us to the jet and we fly to the sunny Caribbean. Algeria. We got to look at the bright side. We got 'em by the balls, we got the hostages, we can get anything we want. They gotta give it to us. Edna exits ladies room as Sonny crosses back to the phone, picks it up. SONNY (into phone) Get me Moretti. Now Sonny turns and speaks to the group. SONNY We're all gonna get outta here. You're all gonna be all right. I'm gonna ask for a helicopter and a jet... and we're gonna get outta here alive... You've all been all right with me and as long as it stays that way, then things are gonna be all right - as long as you cooperate... (into phone) Moretti, I want to talk to you. I'm comin' out. Sonny slams the phone down and walks over to Sal, rifle still in his hands. SONNY You realize, Sal, that we're gonna get outta the country, so if you wanna talk to somebody, do it now... You gotta Mother or a Father? Friends? (Sal nods no) If we gotta be outside the country, where do you wanna go? Any country. Just name a country. SAL Wyoming. SONNY (stopped for a moment) Wyoming... That's not out of the country -- that's in the United States... Look, I'll be back. Sonny starts to walk toward the door. As he does, Sal calls back to him. SAL Sonny! Gimme the gun. You don't need that. Sonny realizes what he's saying and crosses back to Sal and hands him the gun, then moves toward the front door. EXT. BANK - DAY Much as before. Sonny steps out. The guns start to come up. SONNY Put them down. The Cops lower their weapons. Moretti comes out on the sidewalk. He's eating an ice cream bar, and stands seemingly at ease, an island of calm control in a storm of passion about to be let loose. The Cops are always about to explode. MORETTI Sonny, ya want somethin'? Sonny is about to open his mouth when a medium-size dark- haired Man who has been standing among people behind the barriers puts his head down and runs at astonishing speed right across the street towards Sonny. He catches everybody so by surprise he is already on Sonny before anyone can do more than start to yell at him to stop. Sonny, himself, can't believe it! He is slammed to the ground and the Man begins to punch him and beat him viciously. Cops charge in and with great difficulty pull him off. YELLING on the radio network; TV Reporters and the crowd up and SCREAMING for blood! CLOSE ANGLE as Moretti steps in. Sonny gets up, dazed. The Man goes on kicking and fighting Cops... MORETTI Who the hell is that? ANGLE SHOWING DOOR OF BANK Mulvaney stands in the door... MORETTI (to Maria's boy friend) Hey! What the fuck you tryin' to do? You don't think the whole police department can do the job? MARIA'S BOY FRIEND I think he's got Maria in there, and I see blood, man! I wanta jam him up... MORETTI Jesus, the Spanish! You gotta do it yourself, right? Eye for an eye! Go wan get outa here, we'll take care of her. (turns to Sonny) You okay, Sonny? Boy, he hung a couple good ones on you there! MULVANEY (from door; alarmed) Sal wants to see Sonny. He says he'll shoot unless he can see Sonny. He means Sal. Sonny, dazed and bleeding, reels to the door and calls in... Sal now stands alone behind 3rd pillar. SONNY It's okay, Sal. He turns back to face Moretti, Sylvia, Mulvaney. SONNY (continuing; hurt, wondering) He wanted to kill me! MORETTI It's okay, you got a lot of protection. CLOSE - SONNY Looking around, bewildered, the crowd is YELLING and now it sounds unfriendly. He is really shaken up... He shakes himself -- stops that line and starts over in a business- like tone. SONNY I want a helicopter to get outa here! And a jet to take us to... (cagey) ...wherever we want to go. Outa the country, so no little jets. A big one with a bar and a piano lounge. MORETTI I don't know, Sonny. I don't know if the helicopters can land in here. I'll have to check it out. I got superiors, unnerstan? They don't always see eye to eye with me. I'll do what I can. Sonny looks him in the eye. Suddenly he makes kissing motions and sounds with his lips. We know what he's referring to: he thinks Moretti's trying to fuck him over. MORETTI (continuing) Sonny, be reasonable! SONNY I want to see my wife. I want you to bring her down here. MORETTI Okay, what do you give me? SONNY What do you want? MORETTI The girl hostages. SONNY Nothin' doin'. I give you one hostage when you bring my wife, and one for the helicopter, one for the jet, and the rest can come home on the jet. MORETTI (kiss) I'll see what they'll do. Sonny smiles and pantomimes kissing. MORETTI Okay, you pick out who you're gonna give us. Where's your wife? EXT. ROCKAWAY BEACH - DAY There's Heidi. Her body lies exactly as before, baking in the sun. The transistor RADIO plays... she seems to be asleep... RADIO ...the leader of the pair, a Vietnam veteran, Sonny Abramowicz, has demanded in return for releasing one of the hostages that police allow his wife to visit him at the bank. Police spokesman... Heidi sits bolt upright, stares at the radio, which continues to blather on. Abruptly she begins to gather up her things, her children, in a characteristically scatter-brained and hyperactive sort of way. Heidi is a one woman panic: she hustles away across the broiling sand carrying the radio wadded up in towels, and lugging a child, crying helplessly, by one elbow, as though it were a handle, a silhouette against the late afternoon sun, out of Fellini... meanwhile on the SOUND TRACK we are hearing her voice. It is a breathless, harsh childish voice that pours out the words in a torrent: HEIDI (V.O.) The transistor goes Sonny what? I couldn't believe my ears, so I shut the transistor, get outta here, who needs this? I say Sonny didn't do it. It's not him to rob a bank. It's not him to hurt anybody, to threaten anybody, to steal or do anything wrong. 'Cause he's never done nothin' wrong from the day I know him. She is stumping off into the sunset as she says these words and we CUT TO: EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - DAY Out of a subway crowd, she struggles, pulling the two kids by the hand, a very ordinary woman in a most ordinary New York scene... HEIDI (V.O.) ...Only he tells me this and he tells me that, he's with the Mafia, I say, Sonny, where do you get the money, you're on welfare, how can you rent a new Eldorado, red, you don't like the color you rent a yellow. EXT. HEIDI'S APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY A working class block, dirty, shops in the first floor, three story walk-ups above... Heidi appears and runs up the stoop. TWO COPS get out of a squad car where they've been staked out and move up to her. They never really get in a word edgewise. They follow her into the hall... Now as we CUT CLOSER to her, we will SEE Heidi's mouth in SYNC with the words... HEIDI So night before last we're at Coney Island, he's on the rides with the kids, an' I have this habit of goin' in glove compartments an' all, an' I see... INT. HALL - DAY Heidi struggles up the stairs, dragging the kids -- the cops following... HEIDI this gun with bullets in there, an' I go to myself, oh God, Sonny! That's all I had to see, I didn't say anything. She's got her door unlocked. Below and on the stairs behind the Cops, curious neighbors peer in... INT. HEIDI'S APARTMENT - DAY Chaos out of cut-rate furniture stores. Full of unwashed glasses, kids' clutter. Throughout, the children rush around unchecked. Neighbors enter without ceremony and listen. The Cops stand, trying vainly to communicate... As they enter... HEIDI (continuing) And things are adding in my head, how crazy he's been acting, and in with a bad crowd, an' I look at him, he's yellin' at the kids like a madman. So inna car I said to him, Sonny, what you gonna do with the gun? You gonna shoot me and dump my body inna river or what? I was so scared of him, I never been scared of Sonny never. You know, his mother says the cops was always at our house, we was always fighting. I hit him with the jack in the car once, but I only missed and hit myself, you should of seen my leg. And all he would ever do is put on his coat and go out. So they say it's Sonny but I don't believe it. COP 1 Lady, you saw him. You saw his gun. HEIDI He might of done it, his body functions might of done it, but not he himself. INT. BANK - LATE AFTERNOON - APPROX. 5 PM The group is now situated like this: 1) MULVANEY'S DESK - the TV is on; seated in his chair, filing her nails is MIRIAM. Seated to her left, having pulled the chair a patron uses, is MARIA, watching TV and listening to her transistor radio, against her left ear, at the same time. MULVANEY (at back water cooler - will eventually move back to his desk, sit down to Miriam's right.) 2) EDNA - is now behind the Tellers' cages, straightening up the mess; she picks up the loose money that Sonny had scattered thru the air, puts them into packets and ties them with rubber bands. 3) SAL - is seated in the rear Conference room, still holding his rifle, feet up on the table. 4) MULVANEY & DEBORAH - at the rear water cooler (from which she will move to see what's wrong with Margaret) 5) MARGARET - seated at her desk, obviously ill, wiping her forehead, head bowed. 6) SYLVIA and JENNY - at far right table, doing a crossword puzzle. 7) SONNY - pacing back and forth Mulvaney's desk, posing a legal puzzle for Maria. Sonny, his gun now lying across the top of Mulvaney's desk, is pacing back and forth between the desk areas. He's talking to Maria in particular, but anyone in earshot in general. SONNY Let's say I put a gun to your head and I tell you to kill a cop... and you did. Who'd go to the electric chair... you or me? MARIA You would... you told me to do it. SONNY But you shot him. MIRIAM (joining in) But you told her to. SONNY Yeah - But you did it. Deborah crosses to Margaret who is ill. Deborah goes to Sylvia - who returns with her her to Margaret. It should begin getting dark in through here. It is very hot and sweaty in the bank. OPEN SCENE ON: CLOSE MULVANEY ON PHONE He is sweating, worried. He is listening to a conversation we can HEAR... as it goes on SHOT WIDENS to reveal the others in various postures of waiting. Sal more disheveled, Sonny's restlessness is unabated; he paces about like a caged animal. The voice on the phone is breathy and youthful: Sonny has been listening for a long time. JESUS FREAK (V.O.) Jesus Christ is coming back and he's really pissed. SONNY (gently) Yeah, well I don't blame him. JESUS FREAK (V.O.) You know, Sonny, I used to dope a lot, and I was into dipping? And I did a couple bank jobs, and the Lord Jesus in his everlasting mercy saved me, you know how? Sonny is desperate to get off the phone but doesn't dare risk the wrath of God by hanging up on this guy. He might have the secret after all. SONNY No. Look, we're kind of.... JESUS FREAK (V.O.) That's why I can talk to you, as an equal, Sonny. You got to merge your whole soul with God. And then you are Him and one with the Holy Ghost. SONNY Yeah, well... maybe you better talk to one of these others, okay? JESUS FREAK (V.O.) Sonny? Don't send me away! I can help you save your soul ... Sonny hangs up. Deborah moves to Margaret, who is ill. She goes to tell Sylvia who immediately crosses to Margaret. ANGLE ON MARGARET & SYLVIA SYLVIA The air conditioning is off or something. (Looks at Margaret) she's sick. Sonny runs around, notices her - sees that air conditioner is off. SONNY Where's the air conditioning? MULVANEY I don't know, Sonny... on the roof somewhere I guess. SONNY (improv. about going out back to find the air conditioning mechanism) Sonny moves toward Sal in the Conference room. Mulvaney follows discreetly behind him. SONNY Sal, I'm gonna take a look at the air conditioning. Sonny and Mulvaney start to move out toward the back door area. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Do you think we can turn it on? MULVANEY I don't know. At this point, Sal calls out to Sonny, and gets up to move to him. SAL Sonny - SONNY Yeah... SAL I never been up in a plane before. SONNY It's nothing - it just goes up - it's the safest thing in the world. Safer than a car. Don't worry about it, Sal - it'll be all right... they're great... And Sonny and Mulvaney exit toward rear of bank. INT. BANK - BACK DOOR AREA - LATE AFTERNOON (APPROX. 5 PM) Sonny and Mulvaney move toward the back door and stop under a trap door in the ceiling. Mulvaney looks up at it. MULVANEY It's gonna be up there. As Sonny is staring up at the trap door, thinking about what to do, he hears a tiny scratching SOUND. SONNY What's that? Sonny, tensing like an animal, peers around wildly to locate the source of the little scratching SOUND: like mice at a steel door. ON SONNY who quickly runs back toward the desk area. ON GROUP - DESKS' AREA Sonny races back in, grabs the gun from atop Mulvaney's desk, and with the cartridge in the other hand, runs back toward the back door again, jamming cartridge into rifle. At this point, Sal runs in from the Conference room, covering everyone point-blank again, yelling for Edna to join the rest of the group. SONNY (whispering) They're trying to come through the door! SAL (to Edna) Everybody! Back here! Edna quickly obeys, moving quickly to the rest of the group. ON BACK DOOR AREA as Sonny races toward Mulvaney and back door with gun. ANGLE ON MULVANEY Somebody or something is working on the other side of the door! NEW ANGLE ON SONNY as he moves back from the door, turns and levels the rifle on the back door... MULVANEY Sonny, if you shoot, shoot high... my car's parked out there. ON SONNY staring at the door. He hears the continued scratching noise and might even see the door knob move. Abruptly he swings the rifle up so the bullet going through will clearly go over the head of any man, out through the transom. He FIRES. ANGLE ON INSIDE - SAL AND GROUP They all scream, some of them falling to the floor, huddling together in terror. SONNY - AND GROUP Sonny races back into main area where Sal covers group. SAL (to group) Get over here! Get over here! EXT. BANK - REAR DOOR - LATE DAY A knot of half a dozen police are working at the door. Two were trying to work tubes under it to pump in gas, others were trying a nylon line to the doorknob, the idea being that if Sonny came out that way, the moment he began to open the door the cops would yank it open, exposing him completely and gun him down. The cops SCREAM as the SHOT comes through the door, showering them with brick fragments. They scramble over cars, over each other, over fences, running into other cops, who also, not knowing what's happening, turn and flee, running into the crowd, which panics. VARIOUS ANGLES on men, women, children, cops, detectives, dogs, cats, reporters, all in the area of the rear of the bank fleeing in waves over fences, cars, etc. A flood of people like lemmings. This is INTERCUT BY: INT. BANK 1) MARGARET fainting. 2) SAL herds group into vault area. 3) SONNY dashing back and forth into rear bank area. ANGLE ON BARBER SHOP Moretti, Sheldon, others come charging out, wondering what the hell, pulling guns out. BACK OF BANK The cops, safely distanced and back in cover, peek out at: BANK DOOR It is okay. RADIO NETWORK (V.O.) What's happening? He shot through the door. Is he coming out? Can you see in... (Etc., etc.) ON MORETTI reaches out his hand for a bullhorn that is thrust into it immediately. MORETTI (on bullhorn) Sonny! A few louts in the crowd yell out in imitation: LOUTS Sonny! MORETTI Sonny! CROWD (echoing) Sonny! Moretti shrugs off his irritation and raises the bullhorn one more time: the crowd is ready and SCREAMS in unison as Moretti says: MORETTI & CROWD Sonny! You could hear it for a half a mile! Sonny starts to yell at Moretti. SONNY (inside bank) What the hell you doin' back there? MORETTI Sonny, come on out! Sonny walks over to Sal, gives him the rifle. SONNY Sal, watch 'em... I'm goin' out. ANGLE ON BANK as Sonny comes charging out. SONNY What the fuck do you want? MORETTI They were... SONNY You tryin' to fuck me? MORETTI No, I'm not tryin' to fuck you. SONNY So, what were they doin'? You're tellin' me you had nothin' to do with that back there? MORETTI I swear to God I had nothing to do with it... SONNY Bullshit... I don't walk to talk to you... MORETTI Wait a minute... everything you asked for is on the way... SONNY Yeah... MORETTI Is on its way... The helicopter can't land but we got a bus... the jet's on its way to Kennedy... we got a bus coming here... SONNY You're full of shit... MORETTI Sonny, your wife's on the way... We reached her... your wife's on the way... everything you asked for, you got. SONNY Well, what were you doin' back there? MORETTI It can't happen again... I'll do everything I can to stop anything I can... SONNY You know, you're telling me that a helicopter can't land here... MORETTI Can't land... you'd kill people... SONNY Don't fuck with me... MORETTI I'm not... I'm not... you're gettin' a bus... you're gettin' a bus... the jet's comin' into Kennedy... and your wife's on the way... what else do you need? What else can I get you? Listen, I don't know how you can do better... see that man over there... the FBI guy... SONNY Just one more explosion like that and you're gonna see a dead body... MORETTI There won't be... there won't be... What else do you need? How else can we help you? SONNY All right... I got some hungry people in there... I want to get some pizza... some stuff like that... MORETTI What else? SONNY Cokes, seven-ups... (Moretti repeats) also some aspirin... MORETTI Aspirins... okay you got it. (turns behind him to a near-by cop) Charlie! Six pizzas! SONNY Okay... Sonny turns and walks back into the bank. INT. BANK - DAY ANGLE ON SAL WITH THE GROUP as Sonny enters and walks toward Sal. SONNY Okay... okay... all right, Sal, it's okay. I got everything straightened out... it's gonna be okay. SAL Get over there! SONNY Look, I talked to him and it's not going to be a helicopter - they can't land on top of the roof - so they're comin' with a big... limousine bus and they'll take us to the airport - and they're gonna get a jet... so things are rollin'... They're movin'... I also ordered some food... I got some pizzas for us, all right? I got some things to drink - I got sodas... I even asked them for aspirins... I'm doin' what I can... now I gotta pay for the pizza... where are the marked bills? He now walks behind Tellers' cages and picks up some of the decoy money that Edna had started to clean up and re-stack. Mulvaney walks over to him. MULVANEY Are we going to get the ball rolling? SONNY What are you talking about? What do you think I'm doin'? I'm gettin' the ball rollin'. I'm keeping these people happy... I'm keeping you happy... I gotta keep the cops cooled out... I gotta do everything... I gotta pay for the pizza .. I'm workin' on it, do you know what I mean? I'm workin' on it... Jesus Christ! I gotta do it all... I got all the ideas... you want me to give you the gun? You want to take it over? Sonny walks to the front door with the money. EXT. BANK DOOR - DAY as Sonny appears in it. NEW ANGLE TO REVEAL THE DELIVERY BOY guarded by a couple of cops. DELIVERY BOY You the guy wanted the pizza? Sonny grabs bills from the wad he holds and thrusts them at him. DELIVERY BOY It's paid for. (looks at Moretti; Moretti nods) SONNY Keep the change... As the cops reach for the money, knowing it's bank money, people in the crowd yell: CROWD AD LIBS Hey, over here! Hey, robber! How about a thousand! Throw some over here! Hey, no shit, I need an operation, I don't even have a job... (Etc.) Sonny holds up the money. The crowd cheers. He throws the wad of bills and it scatters in the air. The WIND is blowing now. Even some cops join the ensuing melee to gather it up... VARIOUS ANGLES as cops move forward and try to catch the bills. Some blow into the crowd. Fights break out in the crowd as they scramble for the money. The crowd breaks the barriers and swarms after the cash. Cops try to retrieve bills; fist fights, arrests. MORETTI staring at the mess. Sonny also watching the people. There is in both of them the same reaction of faint disgust at the greed unleashed. Sonny angrily hurls another bundle after the first... then laughs as he watches the people fighting. Moretti nods ironically at him. Sonny turns and enters the bank with the food. The fighting goes on in the street. INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny enters carrying food. SONNY Okay - Chow! He puts it down in front of Mulvaney, on Mulvaney's desk. Mulvaney looks at it, sickly. As Mulvaney looks up at Sonny: SONNY You eat it first. I don't know if they put something in it. EXT. SIDEWALK NEAR BANK - DAY Moretti, Sheldon, other top cops march fast-time toward the barrier where uniformed cops stand around a limousine that has drawn up to the barrier. It is full of white-haired officials, one of them the COMMISSIONER. He has a voice broken by whiskey, cigars, good food and yelling at football games. DOLLY AT A LOW DRAMATIC ANGLE WITH MORETTI AND ETC. It looks like they may be going into action. Moretti's attitude is not that subtly different now he's talking to brass. Commissioner doesn't get out; he talks through window. The Commissioner's hand, pudgy and freckled with age, covers Moretti's where it rests on the door: he massages Moretti's hand fondly. COMMISSIONER Gene -- you smilin'? MORETTI No. I never smile any more. COMMISSIONER Whattaya think: we gonna kill any civilians tonight, Gene? MORETTI I never make bets or guesses, that way I'm never wrong and I never have to pay out. COMMISSIONER Gene, Jesus, what a bull he is! A lot of comfortable CHUCKLES inside the limo. The Commissioner's hand lingers on Moretti's -- they are fond of each other, these men, linked in a relationship of a lifetime of shared experience, of attitudes, of maleness -- an accumulation of years of jokes about being late for dinner, of women waiting and women panting with desire, men secure in the bastion of their roles. What is being passed on here is a purely emotional force of approval and acceptance from top to bottom of a social institution that is the last totally masculine society: police. The homosexual content of this should not be lost: it lies in the comfortable fit of their feelings, in the fact, simply, that they love each other, for what they share. MORETTI So whatsa deal? COMMISSIONER They jet's comin' out. But don't let 'em off the ground. MORETTI What if we gotta kill a whole lot of people? COMMISSIONER Don't let 'em off the ground. MORETTI Listen. He leans down to get close to his commissioner, because he's not fooled by the camaraderie into a false sense of security. TIGHTER TWO SHOT - MORETTI AND COMMISSIONER COMMISSIONER (anticipating) If you're right I'm gonna back you a hundred percent, you know that. MORETTI (pleasantly) Fuck you, sir - if I'm right, I don't need you. What I want is - if I make an honest mistake I want help. The Commissioner nods - presses a button and the window goes up to keep the air conditioning in and the heat out. INT. BANK - LATE AFTERNOON - APPROX. 5 PM - MAIN BANK AREA as we hear Jenny on the phone with her husband. Sonny is doing the manual of arms with his rifle. JENNY ...well, just pick him up and hold him. No, he's not spoiled, he's just got to settle his stomach after eating. He's used to me feeding me, that's all. At one point, Sonny starts to show Miriam how to hold the gun and in mock seriousness, she tries to do the manual of arms. WE DRIFT TOWARD THE BACK CONFERENCE ROOM where Sal is seated at the Conference table, rifle on the table. Edna and Sylvia are also seated there. Maria enters. SYLVIA Somebody give me a cigarette. Maria walks over to her, offering her one, then remembers: MARIA Sylvia, you don't smoke. SYLVIA I never smoked before in my life but I got a right to start now if I want to. SAL You don't smoke... why do you want to start now. SYLVIA Because I'm scared, that's why. You never smoked? SAL I used to, but I stopped. SYLVIA You stopped? Why? SAL Because I don't want cancer. SYLVIA You don't want cancer? You're about to get your head blown off, you're worried about cancer. (to Maria) Gimme the cigarette. Maria starts to hand one to her. SAL No! I'm not kidding. Don't you understand? You're pure! SYLVIA Pure? SAL You shouldn't start now. SYLVIA For God's sake! As soon as I'm outta this bank robbery, I'm gonna stop... okay? SAL Go ahead. Do what you want to do. I hate to see you break a perfect record. You oughta take care of your body. SYLVIA My body? What for? SAL Your body is the temple of the Lord. SYLVIA (staring at him) You're serious! SAL You're really pure, you know? You got a perfect record. You never used that stuff to ruin your body, why start now? SYLVIA You know, you remind me of my 19- year-old brother - only he's got his hair down to his knees - he looks like something that eats berries and roots out of the ground. God forbid I should say something to him like, 'Listen, if you ever smoke marijuana, just remember that it's illegal' and he storms outta the house. You rob a bank, but you keep your body pure, is that it? SAL You gonna smoke the cigarette? SYLVIA Yes... Sal gets up and starts to leave the room... SYLVIA (calling to him) Sal... If I die of cancer it's going to be half your fault. Sylvia grabs the cigarette from Maria. SAL (exiting) No - it's because you're weak. Sonny continues with "Manual of Arms" business with rifle. Mulvaney is on the phone. MULVANEY (overlapping Janet into phone) Mulvaney... (listens) JANET (into phone) I don't know. MULVANEY (to Sonny) It's for you. Moretti. Sonny takes the phone... SONNY Yeah? MORETTI We're bringing in your wife... ON SONNY He comes alert, looks around at Sal, nods, and starts for the door of the bank, turns to Sal. SONNY (gives him gun) They've got my wife. They're bringing her in. He exits bank. Sal walks toward the door, stops behind the first post. EXT. FRONT OF APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY The fire escape with the old lady and her jigsaw puzzle, the flak vested snipers, etc. Below in the street a police car plows through the crowd with red lights flashing but no sirens -- or perhaps just a low growl to help move the human sea aside. People are leaning over trying to see inside. BARBER SHOP Moretti and Sheldon and staff move out into the street. The cop car is moving through police lines, cops lifting barricades aside to let it pass. MOVING SHOT with Moretti and others as they move to intercept the police car where it will stop on the corner. As they stop, we can see Sonny step into the door of the bank, in the distance. He is greeted with CHEERS from the crowd. But is intent on the car. We are NOW SHOOTING ACROSS THE CAR, OVER MORETTI'S BACK TOWARD THE BANK and Sonny. The DRIVER of the police car gets out, with a huge grin on his face and nods to Moretti. The back door opens and another cop gets out, also grinning. They look around toward Sonny, as his wife gets out of the police car, on this side. She is spectacularly good looking in a lithe cruel sort of way, like Lauren Bacall, but right now she is a mess. CUT TO: EXT. BANK as Sonny sees Leon get out of the car. SONNY Leon! Leon! Over here! Happy Birthday, Leon! ON LEON who doesn't hear Sonny calling, the detectives and Moretti start to take him to the barbershop. MORETTI (to cop driver) What's that? COP DRIVER We went to the hospital, where he told us - and asked for his wife. He... (indicates Leon) ...says they got married in a church. MORETTI Jesus! They continue along the sidewalk. Leon, coming to, starts to look around him. He sees Sonny. ON SONNY as he yells again to Leon. SONNY Leon! Happy Birthday! ON LEON who faints. FULL SHOT The crowd yelling in increasing waves of SOUND; Moretti and cops pick up Leon and rush him toward the barbershop. ANGLE ON SONNY who dashes toward the bank door, enters. INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny comes running in. Sylvia is now showing off her new-found expertise with a cigarette to Miriam, Jenny and Deborah, seated around Edna's desk. (Deborah is talking on the phone.) Meanwhile, Edna is back in the Conference Room with Mulvaney; Margaret is seated at her desk, speaking on the phone; Maria, speaking on phone, is seated at Mulvaney's desk - where television is still on. Sonny, wanting to use a phone, realizes that all are in use, rushes to a desk at the front of the bank. Sal follows him there. Sonny grabs a phone. SONNY (into phone) Get me Moretti! INT. BARBERSHOP where Moretti and cops are trying to revive Leon. A cop at the phone turns to Moretti. COP ON PHONE Moretti - he wants to talk to you. Moretti walks over to phone, takes receiver from cop. INT. BANK Sonny waiting for Moretti to answer phone. SONNY Is he all right? Is he all right? MORETTI (V.O.) He's all doped up. SONNY I want to talk to him. MORETTI (V.O.) He's groggy, Sonny. Let me get him on his feet and he'll call you back. (hangs up) INT. BARBERSHOP as Moretti hangs up phone and walks over to Leon, who now has a glass of water and a cold towel. MORETTI Leon? Whatsa matter? They give you a shot down the hospital or what? LEON Oh, God, they shot me with like unreal! MORETTI Well, you got to get hold of yourself. You got to talk to him, tell him to give himself up. LEON Oh no! MORETTI He's got eight people in there with him. He's got this kid with him... they're gonna shoot the people. LEON I can't help it. I can't stop him from anything. MORETTI If he won't listen to you, who will he listen to? LEON He won't listen to anybody. He's been very crazy all summer. Since June he's been trying to kill me. MORETTI You try calling the police? LEON What good is that? They couldn't stop him. And it'd just make him mad. They don't know him. MORETTI Somebody's got to stop him, Leon. LEON He was under great strain: you don't understand, he's a very mixed up person. MORETTI He's makin' threats in there. LEON He's scared. It's crazy. I never met anyone like him. His wife, he's a wonderful father to his children. His mother - you should see her - his mother and father together are like a bad car wreck - he lets it all slide off his back, he sees them, he pays their rent. Unbelievable. I wanted to get married... He didn't really want it... he's married already! But he did it. I don't know why. I thought it would help me, but it didn't. I was just as confused and unhappy was before; I did terrible things. MORETTI What kind of things, Leon? LEON Ten days I spent in Atlantic City - Sonny was frantic - he knew I was drinking; he didn't know where I was... who I was with. I couldn't explain why I did the things I did. So I went to this psychiatrist who explained to me I was a woman in a man's body. So Sonny right away wanted to get me money for a sex change operation: but where was he to get that? 2500 dollars! My God, he's in hock up to his ears already. MORETTI He needed money? For the operation for you? LEON It made him crazy - so much demand, he'd fly into this rages. And I got more depressed than ever; I saw I'd never get the operation. So I tried to take my life - I swallowed about a half pound of pills... blues, reds, yellows, downers, uppers, screamers... you name it. But I just threw them up and wound up in the hospital. Sonny comes there and looks at me and just says: 'Wow!' So when I hear he's in the bank, I almost go crazy because I know he's doin' it for me. MORETTI Well, don't you figure you owe to him to get him out of there? LEON I can't talk to him. MORETTI You're in it up to your ass, Leon. You're an accessory. You talk him out of there and they might be a little more understanding of your case. LEON I'm afraid. MORETTI How is he gonna hurt you on the telephone? LEON I don't know what to say to him. I can't. MORETTI You think it over, Leon. Moretti walks over to the wall phone, picks up the receiver, and waits to be connected with the bank and Sonny. ON LEON Terrified. He really can't do it. ON MORETTI waiting. OMITTED INT. BANK - TURNING DARK NOW as the phone rings. Sonny picks it up, hears Moretti's voice. MORETTI (V.O.) He won't talk to you. Let me work on it. Sonny hangs up. He and Sal walk toward the group at the rear, around the desks. ANGLE ON TELEVISION SCREEN as we see TV newsman speaking. TV NEWSMAN ...police are questioning Leon, a year-old admitted homosexual, who claims to have been married to one of the bank robbers in a ceremony last November... [etc.]... During the speech, Sylvia and her group wander toward Mulvaney's desk to listen, as Edna wanders down from the Conference Room, crosses to the set and turns up the volume. ON SONNY pacing back and forth. They all stare at him. Slowly the group shifts to other positions, without a word being said. ANGLE ON TV SCREEN TV NEWSMAN Our coverage of the Brooklyn robbery where two homosexuals are holding hostages for their demands of a helicopter, a jet, and safe passage out of the country... ANGLE ON SONNY AND SAL SAL Sonny, you hear that? SONNY What? SAL They keep sayin' two homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. I want you to stop them saying that. SONNY That's all they're interested in - it's a freak show to them. I can't control it, Sal - let'em say what they want. Forget it. It don't matter. SOUND OF JET SONNY Where's the god-damn jet? They're always flying overhead - going somewhere. OMITTED EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT FBI snipers area at positions, waiting. A small group of men make a last check. A signal is given. They get in their car and drive away. An FBI sniper lights a cigarette and settles down to wait, moving his rifle to a comfortable position. EXT. APARTMENT HOUSE FIRE ESCAPE - NIGHT The old lady dozes over her puzzle. The police agents are being relieved. Light floods the front of the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT (APPROX. 8 P.M.) Sonny paces back and forth (with ad-lib dialogue to group). Margaret, seated at her desk, has feet up on another chair while Jenny sits on top of her desk. Mulvaney is back at water cooler, starting to feel very ill. Miriam and Deborah are seated at Mulvaney's desk. Edna is seated at her desk, while Sylvia sits on top of desk, talking on phone. Suddenly, the lights go out, leaving only emergency lights on (4 in the main area and 2 at back door area). Sylvia immediately moves over toward the vault area and turns on 2 hand lamps. SAL That's it, Sonny. Both rush toward the front of the bank. They see that even the flood lights are now out, but across the street can still be seen lights in the store windows. Sonny rushes to a near- by phone to try to reach Moretti, but even the phones are dead. They hear Moretti's voice over a bull-horn outside: MORETTI (V.O.) Sonny... Sonny... Come out a minute... Come out a minute... Sonny moves toward the front door. INT. BARBERSHOP - DUSK/NIGHT Moretti and Sheldon are in the barbershop. SHELDON We're all set at Kennedy. MORETTI What makes you think you'll be able to control it? SHELDON He's totally unstable. He'll make a mistake. MORETTI He hasn't so far. I'm the one who can make a mistake. That's what scares the shit out of me. SHELDON Eugene, at 3:07, this became Federal. Why don't I take it over now? CUT TO: EXT. BANK - NIGHT as the door opens and Sonny peeks out, the once-illuminating floodlights now out. SONNY Moretti? What the fuck is goin' on? There's no answer. Sonny steps out into the street. He can't see anything anymore. The atmosphere is suddenly chillingly dangerous: the crowd SHOTS "come out of the dark" and "we can't see from here". The street seems empty except for a few threatening silhouettes of heavily-armed cops. Sonny responds with bluster. SONNY Get the lights back on! He steps out farther into the street. From behind him, SHELDON, the FBI man, approaches. He is alone. Unsmiling. Sonny dashes back into the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny rushes in, warns Sal about the FBI confrontation he's about to have. SONNY Sal - it's the FBI... I'm goin' back out to talk to him. At this, he walks back toward the door and exits the bank again. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sheldon is walking toward Sonny as the latter exits the bank. SONNY What is this? The FBI? Jesus, now we're talkin', maybe we can get this thing moving. As Sheldon reaches him. SONNY First off, get the lights back on and the air conditioning. SHELDON (showing ID) No more favors. That's all over, Sonny. SONNY (sarcastically) Aw, Jesus... you been doin' us favors all night! SHELDON I've got a jet. I'll have airport limousine here in a half hour. I want the hostages. SONNY Bullshit! SHELDON I'd like to work with you on this, not against you. Sonny comes around, looking for Moretti: can't see him. SONNY Well, Jesus, these hostages are keeping me alive. SHELDON Okay, when do I get them? SONNY At the airport. We get on the plane, check it out, and if it's all okay we'll send them out. Except one. SHELDON I want them all. SONNY I want to talk to Leon. Pause, while Sheldon thinks this over. SHELDON I want to come in, and see if everybody's okay. SONNY You got guts. You think if Sal and me have cut their throats we're gonna let you out? SHELDON I have to see. Sonny re-enters bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny goes over to Sal. SONNY It's the FBI. He wants to come in. SAL Have him walk in backwards. Sonny exits bank. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny crosses to Sheldon, grins, grabs him and executes a very professional-looking pat-down search. He removes Sheldon's .38 from a shoulder holster, producing it for the crowd with a flourish like a magician: some of the old playfulness returns for a moment. He carefully and with showbiz flourishes searches Sheldon's thighs and groin. The crowd HOWLS. Sheldon bears it with stoic calm. CLOSE TWO SHOT as Sonny stands up from the search and finds Sheldon's eyes locked to his with flat calm. SONNY Jesus, you'd like to kill me, too. SHELDON I wouldn't like to, but I will, if I have to. SONNY Nothin' personal, huh? The man that kills me, I want him to do it because he hates my guts. Not because it's a job. Okay, let's go... but you gotta walk in backwards. The move toward the door of the bank, where Sonny opens the door, preceding Sheldon, both men entering backwards. INT. BANK - NIGHT Except for the 4 emergency lights, it is very dark - and very hot as Sonny and Sheldon enter the bank. Sal now stands behind the desks, covering Sheldon and the group assembled at the vault. Sheldon takes in every detail as he walks toward the group in the rear, followed closely and covered by Sonny. As they near the desks, Sonny yells out an order for the group: SONNY Nobody give their right name... it's the FBI! SHELDON I just want to see all you young ladies are all all right in here. TWO SHOT - SYLVIA AND SAL She's pissed. SYLVIA Listen, we asked for the jet hours ago, what are you doin' out there? Sheldon is watching Sal, trying to gauge him. This is the first time anyone from outside has seen Sal. SHELDON (his eyes on Sal) It's all being set up, we'll have you out of here in a couple of hours. SYLVIA (to Sheldon) Just give them what they want. Sheldon now walks closer to group, looking into the two small examining rooms as he moves. Sonny covers him every inch of the way. SHELDON They're getting what they want. We just want to be sure we get what we want, which is to get all you ladies out safe. And you two boys, too. Sheldon is now standing very close to Sal. SAL (to Sheldon) You got to talk to the TV, tell them to stop talking about the two homosexuals. I'm not gay... that's the truth. Tell 'em that. SHELDON I will. (he turns to Sonny) Sonny? Outside for a minute? SONNY Sal? SAL They gotta stop sayin' that. EXT. BANK - NIGHT as they (Sheldon and Sonny) exit and stand in the doorway out of earshot of the others. Sheldon is matter-of-fact, but insinuating and conspiratorial. SHELDON Sonny, you handled yourself real well. A lot of men would have choked, and we'd have a lot of chaos and panic and maybe a death or a multiple death on our hands, but you handled it. I respect that. Don't you try to take Sal. We'll handle him. You just sit tight and you won't get hurt. He starts to go. Sonny grabs him. SONNY Wait a minute! What the fuck you tryin' to tell me? SHELDON (quiet) What I said. You just sit quiet and we'll handle Sal. And he turns and starts to walk away, leaving Sonny staring after him. INT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT as Sheldon steps into the door. The place is jammed, Moretti stands inside the door where Sonny could not have possibly seen him. Sheldon quietly turns and stands beside him, both men looking back across the street. MORETTI The little bastard miss me? Sheldon smiles the supercilious Ehrlichman smile of his. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny re-enters. He's restless, hyperactive, constantly moving during this scene; a man with a potentially guilty conscience. Sal moves toward him and both men walk to area in front of the Tellers' cages. SAL What'd he say? SONNY He was talkin' about arrangements... we were talkin' about the TV. SAL Why couldn't he talk about that here? SONNY He was showin' me how the airport bus is comin' in, like that, Sal. (notices Mulvaney start to faint) What's wrong with him? In the rear, Mulvaney slumps into a chair beside Margaret's desk. Sylvia rushes to help him, untying his tie, etc. Maria runs into the Conference room, hoping to find remains of sugar as Deborah crosses to his desk, looking through the drawers for medication. Jenny simply can't cope with it and walks away. SONNY Hey, you okay? SYLVIA He's got diabetes. He's not a well person. SONNY Those bastards -- they poisoned the pizza! Sal - you didn't eat any pizza!? MULVANEY I didn't eat any pizza. SYLVIA I told you, he's got diabetes. SONNY You're supposed to balance your sugar diet, right? Sonny starts to move toward the front door. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny rushes outside. SONNY Hey! Is there a doctor over there? Get him over here! Come on, on the double! Sheldon and a young DOCTOR appear, concerned... SHELDON What's wrong? SONNY The manager, he's diabetic, he's lookin' bad. Sheldon turns, calls out. SHELDON Doctor... A man comes forward - is frisked by Sonny, who then dumps contents of his Black Bag and looks for weapons. Sonny then dashes inside bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny comes in, walks over to Sal. SONNY Sal - the Doctor's coming in. Sonny then rushes back outside bank again. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny crosses to Doctor. SONNY (to Doctor) You go on in... The Doctor hustles past. HOLD on Sheldon. SHELDON (picks up the phone) I've convinced Leon to talk to you. He's on the phone now. Sonny rushes back into Bank. INT. BANK Sonny rushes in. The phone rings. He picks it up. SONNY Hello. Hello, Leon. LEON Hello, Sonny. SONNY How are you doing? LEON Well... I'm out of the hospital. SONNY (pleased) Yeah. You said... I thought you were never getting out? LEON I never thought I'd get out this way. I'll tell you. SONNY Well... huh... LEON Ooohh... SONNY Oh... huh... how you feeling? LEON I'm really shakey. SONNY Well, you know... Moretti told me before that you were drugged up. LEON Yeah. It was terrible. SONNY That... huh... they just shoot you with drugs. LEON You come in and they say, right away, that you are crazy. And they start putting things in your arm... you know. How do they expect you to get uncrazy if you're asleep all the time? SONNY Yeah... LEON You can't talk or do anything. You really feel... you know... I'm just sort of coming out of it now. SONNY (pensive) So... that sure is something. LEON Yeah. So how are you? SONNY (chuckling) Fine, thank you. I'm in trouble. That is... now I am! LEON (chuckling) Yeah... I know. SONNY I don't know what I'm gonna do... you know. Boy... I'm dying. LEON What? What are you talking about? You are dying? Did you ever listen to yourself when you say that? SONNY What are you talking about? LEON What do you mean... what am I talking about? Do you realize that you say that to me every day of your life? I am dying. Do you know... do you realize the death that you are spreading around to the people who are around you? SONNY Now don't give me that deep shit now. Don't start with that shit. LEON No really... I don't think that you realize what it means. The things that you do, Sonny. You put a gun to somebody's head... SONNY I don't know what I'm doing. LEON (annoyed) Yeah... obviously you don't... when you put a gun to somebody's head... and you say go to sleep so that it won't hurt when I pull the trigger. Death? Don't talk about death to me. I have been living with death for the last six months. Why do you think I'm in the hospital? I take a handful of pills to get away from you. And then here I am out of the hospital talking to you on the phone... again. I have no friends left. No job. I can't live. I have to live with people. This death business... I'm sorry! SONNY I'm not on the phone to talk to you about that. Well, I don't know what to say, Leon. When you gimme that... when you hit me with that shit. I mean, what am I supposed to say? LEON (indifferent to Sonny) I'm sorry... SONNY I told you. That I got a lot of pressures. You said to me that you needed money, and I knew that you needed money! I saw you there lying in the hospital like that... and I said... shit, man, I got to get this guy some money. LEON (excited) But I didn't ask you to go rob a bank. SONNY (getting louder) All right. I know you didn't ask me. You didn't ask me but I did it. LEON Well... SONNY I did it on my own. I did this all on my own. I ain't laying it on anybody. Nothing on anybody. I'll tell you something, though, it's about time that I squared away my accounts... you know. I am squaring away my accounts with life. Maybe this whole thing is gonna end, somehow. Maybe it'll just end! Maybe I'll just close my eyes and the whole fucken thing will be over. That would be all right too! I said... I thought I would square it away with you... you know? That I would get you down here and that I would say so long to you... or, if you wanted... you know, to take a trip... LEON What trip? SONNY I'm getting out of here, man. I'm not going to stay here and I'm not giving up. I mean, huh, they're going to kill me, anyway. So fuck it! But, if I can get out of this... I am going to get out. And, how I'm going to do it is to get a jet out of here and I'm flying the fuck out... That's all, Leon. If you want to come with me, then you're entitled... you can come. You're free to do what you want. LEON I'm free to do what I want? And you think I would want to go with you some place on a plane? Where? Where ya going? SONNY I gotta jet coming here and we're gonna try to get the fuck outta this thing. And we're gonna go, man! LEON You're crazy. SONNY That's it. LEON You're really crazy. SONNY I know! LEON Where you gonna go? SONNY Who the fuck knows? I think we're gonna go... we worked it out to Algeria. So, I don't know. So I'll go to Algeria. LEON Why you going to Algeria? SONNY Huh... I don't know. They got Howard Johnson's there. I don't know why the fuck I'm going there for. LEON Howard Johnson's... you're warped. You know that? You're really warped! SONNY I know that. I'm warped... I'm warped! LEON (stuttering) God, Algeria! Do you know there's a bunch of... they walk around there... God! People walk around with masks and things on their heads. They're a bunch of crazy people there. SONNY What am I supposed to do? LEON (bitchy) I don't know... you could have picked a better place. SONNY Denmark? Sweden? LEON (pleased) I like that... yeah! SONNY Sal wanted to go to Wyoming. I told him it wasn't a country. We gotta get outta the country! To hell with a guy who doesn't know where Wyoming is. Okay. Can you imagine what kind of a shape I'm in? Laughter from both Sonny and Leon. LEON So! Sal is with you? SONNY Sal? Yeah... Sal is with me. LEON Oh... wow! Sonny, you're really into one mess now. SONNY I know I am. I know! LEON (making fun of Sonny) Sal... Sal... Naturale, oh boy! SONNY He ain't going out. And if I go out he's just gonna kill the people. There's a lot of lives that I'm responsible for... that's all. So, I can't do anything. I got myself into this mess and I'll get myself out of it... the best way I know how! One of the ways is not giving up. I'm telling ya! LEON Would you do something for me? Please? SONNY What? LEON These guys that got me down here, you know, huh... they think that I'm part of this whole thing. They think I'm part of the plot to rob the bank! SONNY How did they think that? What are they... crazy? What do you mean. That's bullshit, Leon. They're giving you a fucken story. LEON Well... they told me that I was an accomplice... SONNY Oh... they're fucken crazy. That's a snow job. Don't listen to that shit! LEON I gotta listen to it if they think... SONNY Shit... LEON I can't survive in prison, Sonny... SONNY All right. Then what do you want me to say? LEON Sonny, would you please just tell them... please... SONNY Where are they now? Just tell me... are they on the phone now? LEON (meekly) Yeah. SONNY (annoyed) That's great. Just terrific. You talk to me with them on the phone, right? That is really smart. And, you don't tell me? LEON I don't have a choice. SONNY You don't have a choice? LEON No! They're standing all around me. Seven thousand fucken cops... all around me. SONNY Look... who's on the phone? LEON Look... don't throw that on me. SONNY Who's on the phone, now? What do you mean... throw it on you? You knew it, right? LEON Yeah... I knew it. But, what choice do I have? I'm in the hospital; they drag me out of the hospital... bring me down here... SONNY All right, enough! Who the fuck is on the phone... anyway? Is that you Moretti? (angrily into phone) You on the phone? Will somebody talk to me? LEON They won't talk to you. SONNY Are they on the phone still? LEON Yeah... yeah! SONNY (still angry) All right! He didn't do it. All right? Now... would you get the fuck off the phone? I'll bet that really changed them, huh? (calmly to Leon) Anyway, Leon... did I do it for you? LEON Yeah... huh, thank you. I'm going to go back, Sonny, to the hospital. They're really nice people. They're really trying to help me. SONNY That's good then. You've found something. LEON Well... I don't know if I have or not. SONNY Do you still want the operation? LEON (moody) Yeah... yeah. SONNY Well, then... LEON It's my only chance! SONNY I don't know what to say to ya! I guess I just wanted to say I'll see ya... or whatever. LEON Thank you much... and huh, bon voyage. SONNY Right. See you sometime. LEON Yeah... see ya in my dreams, huh? SONNY Yeah... I'll write a song. Ha, ha. I don't know. Life is funny! LEON You said a mouthful... sweetheart! INT. BANK Sonny hangs up, walks back toward rear of bank and picks up receiver again on Edna's desk. SONNY (into phone) You cut off incoming, gimme a line. I want to talk to my wife, I want to say goodbye to my kids. (line is connected, he begins to dial; anguished; to the group) Here I am, I could call, and they'd put anybody on the phone, the Pope, an astronaut, the wisest of the wise and who do I have to call? (to phone; as she answers) Heidi? HEIDI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The TV is on, the kids up and racing around, neighbors pouring beer -- An event! HEIDI (on phone; excited) Hey, Sonny! I'm watchin' it on TV! ON SONNY SONNY What about the kids? ON HEIDI HEIDI They don't know, I sent them to the neighbors. Sonny, Jesus, it's not like you. I can't believe, because you never hurt anybody since the day I knew you. ON SONNY SONNY Heidi, I'm dying. ON HEIDI HEIDI (oblivious) I blame myself, Sonny. I notice you been tense, like something is happening; the night before last you're yellin' at the kids like a madman, believe me. And then you wanted me to go on this ride with the kids, this caterpillar about from here to there - fulla one-year- old kids. It's ridiculous. I'm not about to go on this ride, so you yell right there, 'You pig, get on the fuckin' ride!' Well, everything fell outta - me - my heart, my liver fell to the floor - you name it! Yellin' at me in front of all those people. Because you never talked and I never been scared of you, never. I think: he's gonna shoot me and dump my body in the river. ON SONNY SONNY Heidi, for Christ sake, shut up! Will you shut your fucking mouth and listen?! ON HEIDI HEIDI (afraid) See? You're screaming with the language and all! A person can't communicate with you. You become a stranger in your own home... ON SONNY he sits, dispiritedly listening to this rap: seeing her in a clear and unambiguous light as before he saw Leon: what a waste to live in the company of people like this! ON HEIDI HEIDI ...because you hurt me, God how you hurt me. Can you imagine, marrying another man? Did I do something to make you do that? Did I ever turn you down, or anything? The only thing I couldn't do, you're gonna laugh, is go on top - I got this fear of high places! (giggles) And I let myself get fat. ON SONNY SONNY Don't call yourself fat. ON HEIDI HEIDI I know you can't stand me to say I'm fat. Like I can't stand you being a bank robber. I guess that's what love is -- huh, Sonny? ON SONNY SONNY (weakly) Heidi - why didn't you come down here? ON HEIDI HEIDI Jesus - what - I'm afraid - I'm gonna get shot or whatever. You oughta see it on TV, the guns, the cops, they got cannon, machine guns, they're loaded with gear. ON SONNY SONNY They're not after you, they're after me. ON HEIDI HEIDI Listen, it's late already when I realize it's not just a couple of ordinary faggots, it's just you and Sal. I couldn't get a baby sitter. Heidi goes on and on, but Sonny just drops the phone on the hook. As he walks toward the rear of the bank, Sylvia, seated atop Margaret's desk, gets off and follows Sonny toward the Conference room. At the same time, Edna is lifting Margaret's feet up onto a chair and Jenny and Deborah start to walk toward the Conference room, too. Maria paces back and forth, transistor to her ear. Sonny walks into the Conference room. The doctor is through examining Mulvaney. Miriam is seated across the table from him. DOCTOR Listen - I think I better take him back for a cardiac check ... Mulvaney waves, protesting. He's had a shot; he's rapidly recovering. SONNY SONNY Anything... what's wrong? Is he gonna die? DOCTOR No, I just think... MULVANEY I'm okay... I'm okay... SONNY You know more than the Doctor? You're not okay, look at you. Come on... (to Doctor) ...let's get him out... MULVANEY I'm not going. I'm okay. As Sonny grabs him to try to help him up, Mulvaney wrenches away. A little physical here. SONNY Hey! I'm tryin' to help you. MULVANEY I stay here. Damn it. I just needed the insulin. I'm used to it. Go on. Go on. SONNY (to Doctor) You tell me. Is he endangering his health, because if you tell me he is, I'll get him out. MULVANEY I'll be God damned if you will. SONNY Oh, Jesus! You want to be a martyr or a hero or what? Maria and Miriam dance to transistor's music. Edna walks into Conference Room to tidy up. Sal is still sitting there. Deborah tries to comfort Jenny. MULVANEY I don't wanta be either, I just want to be left alone. You understand that? I wish the fuck you never came in my bank, that's all, don't try to act like you're some angel of human kindness! (he crosses toward Tellers' cages to start straightening up) Sonny nods, staring at him. As Doctor moves toward front door Sonny walks with him. Grabs marked bills and stuffs them into the Doctor's pocket... SONNY Here, my man. Whattayou get for a house call? As Doctor tries to wave it away: SONNY (continuing) No, no! I want a top specialist for my friend, I expect to pay top money. He's hustled him to the door, where he ushers him out door. OMITTED EXT. BANK (HIS POV) - A BANNER - NEW ANGLE [1ST GAY DEMO] hastily made, about 40 feet long, being raised above the heads of crowd to where Sonny can see it. We can't read it until it's all the way up. Then is reads: WE LOVE YOU LOVE YOU SONNY As the crowd reads it, fist fights break out and it totters and staggers, but the defenders fight bravely... They are ordinary looking people -- not freaks... ON SONNY looking at it, at them with mixed feelings. ON SHELDON standing across the street looking at him. Sheldon indicates his watch. Holds up ten fingers: "ten minutes"... ON SONNY He turns into the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny comes back into bank, his face mad with pain. He walks over to Sylvia, standing at open gate of Tellers' Cages, and brings out a wallet with pictures for her to see. She takes it, smiles. SONNY My kids... Kimmy and Jimmy. SYLVIA They're beautiful... She looks over toward Mulvaney, now behind the Tellers' Cages, trying to tidy up, and walks over to show him the pictures. Sonny stands on the other side of the cages. SONNY (as Mulvaney looks at pictures) I'll never see them again, Mister Mulvaney. MULVANEY They look like good kids. SONNY They're like any others but they're special to me. You got kids? You told me; you got two. MULVANEY Special to me, too. SONNY You like me? MULVANEY Sure - we like you. SONNY No you don't. MULVANEY You seem like a likable enough guy. It's hard to judge. Sonny walks back toward Sal, who is seated in Conference Room. SONNY Hey, Sal... How you doin'? SAL Okay. Sonny crosses back downstage again to Mulvaney and Sylvia. SONNY (referring to Sal) You know, I don't know him very well - but he's not gay... and he's not going back to prison... One time when he was in prison, they gang- banged him; 13 years old and eight guys gave it to him... So Sal isn't goin' back to prison, no way. MULVANEY I'm sorry. SONNY You know... I like you people... I really do. MULVANEY We like you, too. SONNY You know - I had a job once. I used to work in a bank. I had been training... I used to have a boss... Mr. Don Frio... he wore a toupee... I wonder if you'd hire me if I came in here and asked you for a job... MULVANEY Would I hire you? SONNY Yeah. MULVANEY Why not? SONNY (grinning) I don't think so. Sonny walks back toward Sal. SONNY I told you -- they're sending a jet. It's all worked out... But doubt hangs in the air like a pall... CLOSEUP - SAL looking at him. Implacable. This tension between them over the question of Sonny's loyalty must be kept constantly alive with CUTS and looks, over dialogue... SYLVIA & MULVANEY SYLVIA Somebody give me another cigarette. Sal turns to look at her reproachfully. ON SYLVIA SYLVIA I wish somebody would tell me I'm gonna live long enough for it to be a habit. My parent, she'll be okay. My husband, he'll be okay. I even know who the bum is gonna marry. Terrific. She'll take good care of him. MULVANEY Girls, I wanta apologize. For my language back there. Embarrassed, he walks toward the rest of group in the rear, stands by Edna's desk. MULVANEY Ladies... I want to apologize for my language back there. (he walks over to his desk, sits down) Sonny exits Conference Room and moves downstage. SYLVIA (amazed) What'd you say? I didn't hear you say anything. They think for a moment. JENNY He said the 'F' word. They stare at her incredulously. Someone giggles. EDNA What? JENNY The 'F' word. He did. He said the 'F' word. Edna crosses to her desk - disgusted - and starts to tidy up. The giggle catches the edge of their panic and anxiety and sweeps them into uncontrollable giggles and laughter: Sonny roars. Sal and Edna alone remain unsmiling. After a few seconds they force themselves to stop, to behave like they should under the circumstances. They are gasping and crying. Then... SONNY What's so funny? EDNA Well, I'm a Christian, and my ears are not garbage cans. It sets them off again. They howl and giggle and laugh. Until at last they run down again. At this point, Sal rushes out of Conference Room. SAL Who's that? He has seen something in the middle of the street, and now... NEW ANGLE as they all turn to look out through the door. THEIR POV Backlighted by the floodlights in the middle of street escorted by Sheldon, stands a figure, dumpy and gray, tentatively waving, a figure that bends over baby carriages in the park, picks beans one by one out of supermarket bins, lip reads get-well cards in pharmacies. They hear Sheldon, outside, on bullhorn: SHELDON (V.O.) Sonny! Could you come out, please? Could you come out, please? SONNY It's my mother. Who needs this shit? But as a dutiful son he starts for the front of the bank. EXT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny walks to his MOTHER. Baker tactfully moves away, leaving the two of them in the center of the floodlighted street. Again the crowd can be HEARD but not seen; armed police fringe the lights and shadows, in B.G. SONNY What do you want here, Ma? You could of watched it on TV. VI My God, Sonny - you oughtta see - - Alla Brooklyn is here! On all 3 networks! SONNY Mom - I got it all worked out; it's over. The best thing is you go home. Watch it on TV. VI I talked to the FBI, I told them about you, they said if you just come outta the bank it's gonna be okay. SONNY You did what? Who did you talk to? What for? VI Well, I'm only trying to get you outta this. I told them you were in Vietnam, you always had good jobs, you were with Goldwater at the '64 convention, but you had marital problems... SONNY Oh my God, mother! VI I said you were never a faggot. SONNY Don't talk to them anymore. Sal and me are getting a jet, we're going to Algeria - I'll write you from there. VI He was very understanding - you ought to talk to him... Algeria? SONNY We can't stay here. VI Oh my God! I don't understand. If you needed money, why couldn't you come to me? Everything I got is yours. I got two hundred and maybe twenty-five in the savings. It's yours. You know it. Sonny abruptly realizes he is getting sidetracked by Mom - like always. Tries to get it back again. SONNY Mom - they're sending a bus to take us to the airport. You understand? If you're here - they're not gonna send it. They'll think I'm gonna come out with you. VI What's wrong with that? The FBI was very understanding when I explained it to him. Everybody knows it isn't you... It's the pressures from your home life. SONNY For God's sake don't start in on Heidi again... VI Did I say a thing against her? God forbid I should say anything against that fat cunt. SONNY Mom. Mom. There are some things a mother shouldn't say in front of her son. VI If she comes down here, so help me I'm gonna mash her brains in. Everything in your life was sunlight and roses until you met her. Since then, forget it. SONNY She doesn't have anything to do with it! You understand that? Mother? This is me! VI I know you wouldn't need Leon if Heidi was treating you right. The thing I don't understand is why you come out and sleep with Heidi anyway? You got two kids on welfare now. What're you goin' to bed with her, you don't have enough with one wife and two kids on welfare, you want a wife and three kids on welfare? SONNY (this is old stuff) Not now, Mom, please. VI What'll you do? Come out. SONNY (patiently - I told you a hundred times) I can't, Mom. If I come out Sal will kill them. VI Oh. (she thinks for a moment) Run. SONNY What the hell for? Twenty-five years in the pen? VI Maybe... SONNY Maybe! Aw Christ, what dreams you live on! Maybe what? She stares at him. He talks slowly and carefully to her. SONNY I'm a fuckup and an outcast. There isn't one single person in my life I haven't hurt through my love. You understand that? I'm the most dangerous person in the world, because if I love you, watch out, you're gonna get fucked, fucked over and fucked out! VI No! SONNY Did Pop come down? VI No. This really pissed him off, Sonny. He says you're dead. He says he doesn't have a son. SONNY He's right. You shoulda done what he did. Go home. (embraces her) Don't talk to the FBI anymore. He walks away and moves toward the bank door. ON VI Her desperate smile, apologetic and false at the same time, glistens with a mother's tears. After a long beat: VI I remember how beautiful you were. As a baby you were so beautiful. We had such hopes. INT. BANK - CLOSE ON DOOR - NIGHT as Sonny enters and stops, controlling his emotions. He walks toward Mulvaney, who is putting visitor's chair back into position, then waters his plant. Maria and Miriam are still dancing; Margaret is at her desk; Sal, Jenny and Deborah are in the Conference Room; Sylvia is still behind Tellers' Cages. SONNY Mister Mulvaney? MULVANEY Yeah? SONNY Are you a lawyer? MULVANEY No. I had some legal training, but... SONNY I want to dictate my will. I need a notary? SYLVIA I'm a notary. She leaves Tellers' Cages area, crosses to Sonny, grabbing a pen from Edna's desk on the way. Sonny's urgent mood reaches them. Sylvia gets note pad from Mulvaney. Takes the dictation... SONNY Being of sound mind and body, and all that shit... Sylvia nods: got it. SONNY To my darling wife Leon whom I love as no other man has loved another man in all eternity, I leave $2,700 from my $10,000 life insurance policy, to be used for your sex change operation. If there is money left over it is to go to you on the first anniversary of my death, at my grave. I expect you to be a real woman then, and your life full of happiness and joy. To my sweet wife, Heidi, five thousand from the same policy. You are the only woman I have ever loved, and I re-pledge my love to you in this sad moment, and to little Kimmy and Jimmy. I hope you remember me, Jimmy. You are the little man of the family now, and will have to look after them for me. To my mother I ask forgiveness. You don't understand the things I did and said, but I'm me, and I'm different. I leave you, the rest of the policy and my stamp collection. I want a military funeral and am entitled to one free of charge. Life and love are not easy and we have to bend a lot. I hope you find the places and the people to make you all happy as I could not. God bless you and watch over you, as I shall, until we are joined in the hereafter, sweet Leon, my Heidi, dearest Kimmy and Jimmy, and my mother. Sonny... here I'll spell the last name... He sits and writes it for Sylvia. SONNY Type that up and I'll sign it. Nobody says anything about this document. What is there to say? Sylvia walks to her desk at the front of the bank, near the window, and begins typing. EXT. BANK - VARIOUS ANGLES - NIGHT The restless crowd STIRS, sensing something happening. Turning to see something coming. APARTMENT FIRE ESCAPE The Cops gear up their weapons: radios CRACKLE. Something, a vehicle, is moving through the crowd, Cops shoving people aside to let it through. The Old Lady pays no attention. She is down to one of the very last pieces of the puzzle and is searching for the spot for it. LOW ANGLE IN CLEAR PLACE IN FRONT OF BANK as the vehicle clears the crowd and slowly draws up in front. It is a long airport limousine of the type with many doors. It stops. Everyone's attention is on it. A black DRIVER gets out, a gay Afro knit on his head, coke dealer's shades, for the cognoscenti, one very long little finger nail, a nifty Van Dyke style beard and one gold front tooth. He looks around, holding a sheet of paper. Sheldon, others, approach. They are looking into the vehicles, opening doors, checking tires, etc. DOOR OF BANK Sonny appears. He strides to the limo. SONNY Okay. Get away from it. After a moment the Cops all move back. Sonny opens the front door and begins to check it out. The Driver starts to move away... SONNY These seats come out? DRIVER Yeah. INT. LIMO - CLOSE - SONNY AND DRIVER Together they remove the seat so Sonny can check for guns concealed below, etc. Improvise to fit conditions of the car. DRIVER (dawning on him) Jesus, you're the man! SONNY Come on, what's under this? They pry up a seat and look under, etc., all through: DRIVER I was lookin' at it. I saw you, man! Jesus! You oughta see yourself! You wouldn't believe it. SONNY Yes, I would. DRIVER God damn it, Sheila isn't gonna believe it. They just call in and say gas up a stretchout and get it down to (address in Brooklyn) and I say, 'shit, another load of Elks for the massage parlors.' SONNY (finished) Okay. Driver stands up, getting a good look at Sonny. DRIVER Well, by God I'm gonna remember you! And he turns and walks away. Driver stops, uncertainly. Cops grab him to hustle him away. Sheldon steps forward with a neat twenty-years-younger carbon copy of himself... SHELDON Here's your driver, this is agent Murphy. NEW ANGLE Sonny and Murphy. Sonny eyes Murphy, thinks, then begins to frisk Murphy. He finds nothing. He stands up and eyes Murphy. He just doesn't like it. SONNY I don't want him. SHELDON What can he do, he's clean... SONNY Gimme the black guy... The Driver is still close enough to hear... DRIVER Aw, hey... SONNY (overlapping everybody) Come on, nobody's gonna get hurt. If they were gonna shoot, they'd shoot now. SHELDON I can't allow that, Sonny... SONNY You can't allow! I'm running this thing, what gives you the idea you can say shit? (to Driver) Come on. I'll pay you. Whatta you want? Two hundred? A thousand? The Driver looks around desperately to the FBI, to get him out of this. SONNY Don't look at him. I'm running this. Pause. Sheldon finally reluctantly nods. Sonny motions for him (the Driver) to step forward. Before he can get in the car, Sonny stops him. Signals to him to get ready. Gives him a thorough pat search. Thighs, the whole bit. CLOSE ANGLES AS HE SEARCHES It is tense. The Driver seems uptight. Sonny finds nothing until he touches a breast pocket. The Driver is very uptight. Sonny reaches in, pulls out a -- tiny bottle, with a coke spoon chained to the lid. Before Sheldon can see it, but the audience has, Sonny shoves it back, grins, slaps the Driver on the buns. The Driver laughs delightedly. He was afraid he'd get busted for the dope: the drive will be a cakewalk. SONNY You'll be okay. DRIVER (to FBI) You men shoot, aim for the white meat! He loves the joke! They act as though they hadn't heard. Sonny slaps him playfully on the arm and smiling turns to Sheldon. SONNY I want him. He points at Murphy. Sheldon stands there speechless. Driver stares at Sonny, his smile fading. SONNY (delighted) What do you think you're dealing with, an idiot! Sheldon nods to Driver and Murphy. Murphy resumes role as driver of the limo. Driver gets out. SONNY So long, copper. SONNY AND MURPHY as they position the stretchout in front of the bank. It can be seen from inside. The FBI men stand well back from it. Murphy stands by the door. He also can be seen. SHELDON Okay, Sonny? You follow my car. Murphy nods. Sonny is satisfied and turns to the bank, takes Murphy into vestibule, indicating for him to stay there. Sonny continues toward group at rear. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sylvia is finishing her typing. The girls and Mulvaney are slowly getting ready. Deborah is getting her purse out of Margaret's desk drawer; Margaret gathering her own purse, books, etc.; Jenny is getting her purse from Edna's desk as Edna gathers up her belongings; Mulvaney is seated at his desk; Miriam is at her desk, by the front door. Sal stands with his gun ready. [As Sonny enters and takes up his gun, Sal carefully and methodically begins to redress himself, comb his rumpled hair, knotting his tie carefully...] ANGLES FAVORING SAL as he rebuilds his sartorial image before the various reflecting surfaces of the bank, knotting his tie in a glass partition, checking his suit for wrinkles in a glass door, etc. Meanwhile we are seeing the following, which Sal ignores: SONNY ENTERING SONNY Hey, let's get ready! SYLVIA (gets up, walks to Sonny) Sonny - Here's your document. ON SONNY looking at the will, taking up pen. ON SYLVIA, MULVANEY watching him with compassion. INSERT Sonny signs fast and firmly... INSERT Sylvia's notary seal clamps and imprints the paper. LOW CLOSE ANGLE - SONNY SONNY Okay, okay, okay! What a bunch of cold fish. It's an adventure! Everybody's gonna remember you the rest of your lives, the day you got held up and kidnapped... hey! His eye has struck some reminder. They handle this. SONNY You got Bank Americard? MULVANEY (tired) What now, Sonny? SONNY (gathers money from near-by money bag) Listen, I owe a couple hundred dollars! I don't wanta leave owing anybody anything! A clean slate, a new leaf... He plunks his card down before Sylvia. SONNY (continuing) I paying off. (money from attached case) Here. Two hundred should do it. They start the action of filing the form and accepting the money... Sonny stops them... SONNY Just give me a receipt. Hey, Sal, you okay? SAL (deep in his hair or tie or?) Okay, Sonny. SONNY All right. (accepts receipt) SYLVIA Here's your document, Sonny. SONNY Yeah - it looks real official. They are ready. A moment in the dark. Sonny holds out the will to Mulvaney. SONNY Hold it for me? Mulvaney takes it. Sonny shakes his hand. Suddenly, emotionally, he embraces Sylvia. Suddenly they are all saying silent goodbyes. Shaking hands all around, formally. Only Sal is left untouched, standing apart, watching them, in the dark. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Everyone waits in silence. The lights. The limo. The Driver waiting in the driver's seat. After a beat the door begins to open. VARIOUS ANGLES as Cops' guns are brought to bear. On the apartment fire escape the Old Lady is asleep, her puzzle complete. The snipers raise their rifles. FRONT OF BARBER SHOP - NIGHT Sheldon stands there. The police radio network CRACKLES: "They're coming out. Perpetrators and hostages together. Only authorized personnel may previously authorized, and etc." Sheldon's eyes go to: HIS POV - SNIPER A middle-aged Man who looks like an overweight accountant, in flak vest and helmet that seems too small, aiming through a telescopic sight at: DOOR OF BANK SONNY (letting Murphy out first; yells outside) Get away from the car! Something that looks like a multi-legged animal emerges. It is Sonny and Sal in the center of a tight group of the girls and Mulvaney, so they are completely protected on all sides by hostages. Over their heads is thrown some drapes from the bank that further prevent the police from drawing a clear head on Sonny or Sal without hitting a girl. In fact they can't be seen at all. This weird apparition appears, hesitates. The crowd YELLS: "SHOOT!" CHOREOGRAPH THE ACTION so the group hesitates, takes a step forward, then it's clear Sonny can't see well enough to go direct to the car, and the girls are uncertain which direction to go in, not having been briefed. So they stumble about, make false starts, and finally arrive at the car, where one girl gets into the second row of seats behind the Driver. Then Sonny slides across next to Driver. VARIOUS ANGLES TO COVER The police have no chance to shoot. The group looks like a bewildered centipede finding its way. Mulvaney detaches himself from the group and slips into the front seat, on Sonny's right. ON EDNA standing alone, outside filled-up limo. Sheldon walks over to Mulvaney's window. SONNY (to Sheldon) Okay - you got your one. SHELDON (to Murphy) You follow my car. (he moves off) Maria gets in the rear-most row of seats. Sal next to her in the middle and then another girl. One woman, Edna, a plain middle-aged woman who has not said a word until now is left over. She stands by the side of the limo as the doors close and this phase of the operation ends, without mishap. SONNY (elated) Fuck! We did it! SYLVIA (to Edna) Goodbye, honey. Wish us luck! Edna pecks out dry little kisses to the nearest girls. ANGLE THROUGH SONNY'S DOOR WINDOW as Edna pecks... goodbye. SONNY I'll be a son of a bitch -- we're all okay! Hey, man! Honk the horn. Let's go! Sal has his gun pointed on back of Driver's head. MURPHY Hey, Sal - do me a favor... point that gun up, huh? We hit a bump and the fuckin' gun'll go off. The Driver honks the HORN: they're ready. The crowd SCREAMS. Cops keep jockeying for position, but there is no way to get a shot in. ON SHELDON No emotion. He steps into his car, a police car pulls up behind, and the procession starts to pull slowly toward the crowd. ON EDNA AND BANK As the limo pulls away, she is bewildered by the rush of police, bank people, FBI men who stream past her, ignoring her, all pouring into the bank. TV crews move by and finally -- one stops to interview her. ON THE CARAVAN being rammed through the jam of Cops and screaming people trying to get a last look. The hostages looking out, wan, worried. Sonny and Sal inside, alert, ready with guns. INT. LIMO - NIGHT MURPHY Sal - please keep that gun pointed up, huh? THEIR POV - MOVING SHOTS from inside the limo. The faces of the poor, the excited, the vicious the curious, and in ONE SHOT some of the people from the Gay Liberation Movement carrying hastily lettered signs: one protesting Sonny: YOU ARE AN INSULT TO YOUR KIND And another: WE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU SONNY! Their scared and wan faces swim past in the mob. Sonny's mother is briefly seen looking out of the barber shop window, alone and forgotten. The Cops stare heavily, sullen with anger. Now the limo is moving faster. People are running alongside, YELLING insults, trying to see in, asking for hand-outs, but they are going faster. Inside, they say nothing. Up ahead, Sheldon's car flashes a red light. Behind, the police car does the same. VARIOUS EXT. AND INT. ANGLES - NIGHT as the procession moves through Brooklyn. MOVING VIEW FROM GROUND A helicopter follows above them. VIEWS IN STREETS They move along, followed by a HONKING parade of kibitzing cars, like a Mexican wedding. ANGLE AT AIRPORT THRUWAY They turn onto the thruway, trying to out-distance the cars tagging along. INT. LIMO Silence. Sonny and Sal hold their rifles ready between their knees. ANGLE N AIRPORT FENCE as they veer off the thruway, a barely seen Guard swings open a gate and they ROAR through. The Guard pushes the gate to, and the following caravan of cars brakes, skids and a pile-up of fender bender accidents begin, cars going into the fence and each other. FULL SHOT - THRUWAY Cars are strewn all around. Doors open and Drivers leap out ready to YELL and do battle. The Cops guard the now closed gate. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT Distant lights, some moving. Total darkness. The FBI car, the limo, the following police car move across the darkness... INT. LIMO - NIGHT They sit quiet, following the FBI car. The FBI car stops. They stop. Silence. SONNY Murphy, can you see what they're doing? MURPHY He's still got some arrangements to make. Sheldon is getting out of the car up ahead. Sonny and Sal and all of them come alert. As Sheldon and the other FBI men get out of their car, a pair of aircraft landing lights become visible, taxiing towards the limo. SONNY There it is, Sal. Sal? SAL I'm here. SONNY Oh, Jesus! Hey. How about food? I forgot to ask to have food on board. Sheldon has been walking down to the limo. He stops beside Mulvaney and KNOCKS on the window. Mulvaney rolls it down. SHELDON That's the jet. You give us one more, now. That's the deal... SONNY Okay. Which one goes? There is silence inside the limo. Mulvaney turns to Sylvia. MULVANEY Sylvia? From a handkerchief, Sylvia draws a slip of paper. SYLVIA It's Maria. Go on, honey. They open the door. They urge her out, and Maria goes with a show of reluctance. ON MARIA As she stands up outside she is revealed to have a rosary she's counting. IMPROVISE goodbyes, tearful and fearful all around. Then: MARIA I pray for your safety... (meaning Sonny and Sal) ...Sal? Because I know it's your first plane trip. Don't be scared, you know? (gives him her rosary) And Maria walks away. Now the plane has taxied into position, where it can be seen in floodlights. It looks big and impressive. We know the FBI has snipers ringing it. SONNY I ain't eaten all day. I just realized it. SHELDON We'll have hamburgers on the plane. You ready? MURPHY (turns to Sal again) Sal, keep it up, huh? The gun - please... CLOSE - SONNY looking at the plane, grasping his money and his gun. The rifle stands straight up between his legs. Sheldon leans down, peering in at him. SONNY What do you think, Sal? You ready to go? ANGLE - SAL in front of Sonny, behind Mulvaney. For the first time he smiles. He realizes that escape is within their grasp. The smile transforms him from a formidable Mafia imitation into an utterly sweet and defenseless youth. SAL (gun pointing high) Hey, Sonny - You did it! CLOSE - SONNY SONNY Let's move it, goddamn it. SHELDON (to Driver) You ready to get out first? DRIVER Yes. Driver starts to turn in the driver's seat! Sheldon brings up his hands to reach through the open window to grab Sonny's rifle barrel, pushes it away, aiming out windshield. Mulvaney sees them beginning their move and starts to duck. Sal begins to see movement out of the corner of his eyes and is barely beginning to react. DRIVER TURNING HAS A GUN OVER THE BACK OF THE SEAT! Sonny sees it, and Sheldon's hand grabbing the barrel of his gun at the same moment. Sheldon drives hard into the side of the limo, reaching in. Mulvaney grabs the girl next to him and pulls her by the hair down toward the floor. Sal, open-mouthed with amazement, is a split-second late bringing his gun up. Driver completes his turn and has his gun leveled at Sal between Miriam and Margaret in middle row. Sheldon grabs his rifle barrel and pulls hard. Sonny lets it go. Sal stares at the gun barrel, trying to get his gun up... Driver FIRES. Mulvaney hits the floor. Sheldon holds Sonny's gun. Sonny, CLOSE, watches. Sal, hit, slams back into the seat; the gun flies upward. Another SHOT hits him, flinging his head back. Driver holds his third shot, turns to Sonny - holds gun to his temple. Sonny looks down so he can see fully as: Sal's head snaps back for a split second and stares directly into Sonny's eyes, upside down. He stares sadly, into Sonny's eyes. As though he knew it all along -- betrayed. And dies. The SHOT is ECHOING. Now SCREAMS, YELLS, SLAMMING doors, panic... Sonny's voice: "Shoot me! For God's sake, shoot me!" FULL SHOT They come pouring out of the limo, scrambling frantically away from it. The limo -- the people fleeing it. Agents pull people away from the car. Driver and Sheldon and Cops peer into the back. Sal's body lies slumped. Driver, Sheldon, other Cops stand about, recovering. No one makes the slightest sort of congratulatory move, it was just another job. Driver clears his weapon, hands it to Sheldon to be filed in case of investigation. ON SYLVIA, MULVANEY, HOSTAGES They hug, cry, laugh, jump up and down: they're alive! SYLVIA (to Mulvaney) I been dying to do this for years! And she kisses him hard in the mouth. He laughs and kisses back... CLOSE - SONNY Tears are beginning to flood past his defenses: SHELDON (V.O.) You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to counsel to be present, during your interrogation. (etc.) His voice is dry, as though he were reciting from memory something he learned in a language he doesn't understand. LAP DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE - LEON - HEAD ON SHOT like a Warhol interview on TV. Segue VOICE TRACK. LEON Well, I don't see how Sonny can survive in prison, he was very loud, very boisterous. He was obnoxious. CLOSE - HEAD SHOT - SONNY being manipulated like so much beef by impersonal FBI agents... LEON (V.O.) He was very hard to live with... HEIDI (V.O.) He made me laugh. EXT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT Remnants of the crowd of sightseers, being interviewed by TV men avid for more, more, more news... these are people among the group that held up the big banner earlier: now we see them up CLOSE. They're folding up their banner. A very ordinary-looking YOUNG GUY. PROUD YOUNG MAN I love him. He put an end to all that pansy limp wristed shit! FBI AND SONNY They're getting off his belt, his shoe laces... HEIDI (V.O.) Because he always had a way of getting out, always in the army he was AWOL... OMITTED BACK TO SONNY manacled and helpless. He is twisted into some yet more uncomfortable position by the uncaring Agents. HEIDI (V.O.) I can't help thinking how he might ring the bell one of these days. That's why I'm nervous, because I'm always thinking some day he's gonna come along and ring the bell... THROUGH THE SHOT Sal's body is carried, Sonny, seeing it out of the corner of his eye. He tries to look... FBI MAN Keep your eyes front. PAULINE NATURILE - BEING INTERVIEWED A faded, rattled woman, perhaps a little drunk... NEWSMAN How did you know your son was involved? PAULINE It was on the TV. NEWSMAN When was the last time you saw Sal? PAULINE Oh, a long time. Because I kept asking my husband where the heck could Junior be? He wasn't around here. I thought maybe he was in prison or some place. NEWSMAN Did you know he was a homosexual? PAULINE No, not until after they killed him. NEWSMAN Did you always call him Junior. PAULINE Yeah. NEWSMAN Do you remember anything else about Sal? PAULINE No, that's all. BACK TO SONNY - AT AIRPORT Sonny isn't even listening... he sees something o.s.: SONNY Hey! NEW ANGLE The hostages moving toward a car to take them home are passing nearby and turn to look at him... SONNY Goodbye! You were terrific! Mouth! You're beautiful! See you! THEIR REACTIONS They stare at him; they've already begun to forget him: the moment in the bank when they said their goodbyes is already receding from their consciousness. Their smiles are forced, and they don't really know what to say. SYLVIA Ah, Sonny! Good luck, you know? MULVANEY You were terrific, too! SYLVIA Hey. It's raining. And, as the first welcome drops of cooling rain fall, they begin to move fast... ON SONNY looking after them. The rain hitting his face... the adventure is over. But the everlasting smile overtakes him... LEON I'm glad. Life is easier with him in prison. HEIDI It would be like always, the bell would ring, we'd have a ball. OMITTED BEGIN TITLE AND CREDITS: SINCE THERE WILL BE NO BEGINNING TITLE OR CREDITS, THE PICTURE LOGO WILL FLASH ON SCREEN NOW, AND END MUSIC UP: AS PACINO'S CREDIT IS SEEN, OVER A STILL OF HIM FROM THE PICTURE: THE FOLLOWING IS SUPERIMPOSED: SONNY IS SERVING TWENTY-FIVE YEARS IN FEDERAL PRISON. AS LEON IS SEEN: LEON IS NOW A WOMAN NAMED LANA. AS HEIDI IS SEEN: HEIDI LIVES WITH HER CHILDREN ON WELFARE. FADE OUT. THE END
DOGMA EXT ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK - DAY Jersey spring day. Beyond the wooden planks that make up the aged fun pier, the ocean waves crash into the sandy shoreline. An OLD MAN stares at the empty beach. Sun-worshipers hours away from besmirching the dunes. His features are simple. He wears an old overcoat. His face belies good years gone by - a face that has seen more sunrises than one would suspect. He inhales the crisp, salty air and lets a small, satisfied smile cross his face. Behind him. a large arcade with steel shuttered doors sits on the boardwalk. Three young boys skate around by on roller blades, passing a street hockey ball between them proficiently. The Old Man views them briefly. checks his watch, and looks back toward the ocean. The skates of the three hockey playing youths skid to a halt. We pan up to their faces - now cold and dispassionate. They look at one another and nod. Their skates glide out of frame. P.O.V. SKATERS - The Old Man leans on the railing that overlooks the beach. We get closer and closer to him until... One of the skaters checks him hard into the railing. The Old Man exhales violently and falls to his knees. The two other skaters begin savagely beating on him with their hockey sticks, as he crumbles beneath them. Repeatedly their blades crash down hard on his head. OC VOICE I don't understand - how can you base your lack of belief in God on the writings Lewis Caroll? The three skaters cease their beating and check the Old Man's pulse. Satisfied, they skate away, leaving his crumpled form on the boardwalk. INT AIRPORT - DAY LOKI walks beside a NUN in a semi-busy terminal. They pass through the metal detectors. The Nun carries a donation can. LOKI Leaving 'Alice in Wonderland' aside, look closely at 'Through the Looking Glass' - particularly 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' poem: what's the metaphorical meaning? NUN I wasn't aware there was one. LOKI Oh, but there is - it colorfully details the sham that is organized religion. The Walrus - with his girth and good-nature - obviously refers to either the Buddha, or - with his tusks - the lovable Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. This takes care of the Eastern religions. The Carpenter is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was purportedly raised the son of a carpenter. He represents the Western religions. And in the poem. what do they do? They dupe all the oysters into followmg them. Then. when the oysters collective guard is down. the Walrus and the Carpenter shuck and devour the helpless creatures, en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following faiths based on these mythological figures insures the destruction of one's inner-being. BARTLEBY sits amongst a row of seats by one of the arrival gates. He eats popcorn and stares at... A steady stream of TRAVELERS, exiting the gate, meeting lovedones, family. OC LOKI Organized religion destroys who we are or who we can be by inhibiting our actions and decisions out of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "No, no!" Bartleby smiles at the meet-and-greets, warmed. Loki saddles up beside him, kneeling on one of the seats, facing the Nun. LOKI 'Through the Looking Glass' - a children's tale? I think not. NUN (really dazed) I've... I've never really thought about it like that... (beat; shocked; off her cassock) What have I been doing with my life...?'. LOKI Don't look back. Just get out there and taste life. (off donation can) Leave this for the unenlightened. Poverty is for the gullible - it's another way the church is trying to control you. You take that money you've been collecting for your parish reconstruction and go get yourself a nice piece of ass. You deserve it. The Nun nods at him, and saunters off, obviously grappling with something. A passerby tries to stick money in her can, but she yanks it away. Loki faces the proper direction in his seat and plops down beside the still-transfixed Bartleby. BARTLEBY (looking OC) Here's what I don't get about you: you know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in his presence, he's talked to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. LOKI C'mon man - you know I don't believe any of that shit I was telling her. I just like to fuck with the clergy; keep 'em on their toes. When her head stops spinning, she'll be facing the way of the Just again. But oh. will she have a bunch to confess. (looks around) Now here's what I don't get about you: why do you feel the need to come here all the time? BARTLEBY (off travelers) I like to watch. This is humanity at it's best. Look at them. A reunited FAMILY share a group hug and move on, making way for two young LOVERS to embrace and kiss passionately. OC BARTLEBY All that tension, all that anger and mistrust, forgotten for one perfect moment when they come off that plane. See those two? The guy doesn't even know that the girl cheated on him while he was away. OC LOKI She did? Bartleby and Loki continue to watch the arrivals. BARTLEBY Uh-huh. Twice. But it doesn't matter at this moment because they're both so relieved to be with one another. I like that. I just wish they could all feel that way more offen. LOKI Maybe if someone gave them free bags of peanuts more often they would. Now what was so friggin' important that I had to miss cartoons this morning? If it was to share in your half-assed obsessions with Hallmark moments, I'm going to slug you. BARTLEBY (still looking OC) You're never going to believe this: we're going home. LOKI (off Bartleby's popcorn) Let me have some? BARTLEBY (pulls out envelope) Look what somebody sent us in the mail. (hands him a newspaper article and corn) LOKI Did you say we're going home? (reads) "Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon on 'Catholicism - Wow!" Campaign." (to Bartleby) And? BARTLEBY Keep reading. LOKI (reads) "Updating the church... television spots... Papal consent... rededication... (to Bartleby) Again - and? BARTLEBY (snatches article) Give me this (getting up; reading) "The Re-dedication of Saint Michael's Church on it's hundredth anniversary is the kickoff of a new campaign that seeks to bring the Catholic Church back into the mainstream. With a papal sanction, the archway entrance to the centuryold, Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway of pleanry indulgence, which - according to Catholic beliefs - offers all who pass through it's arches a morally clean slate." (looks at Loki) You still don't get it, do you? LOKI No, I don't get it. Are we leaving now? They start walking. BARTLEBY If you walk through the church's front door on the day of the Re-dedication ceremony, your soul is wiped clean of any and all existing sin, moreso than the sacrament of penance could ever offer. It's a plenary indulgence, man! I don't know why I never thought of this before. LOKI (spits out chewed popcorn into trash can) Sounds thin. Sounds like someone made it up. BARTLEBY It's rarely employed, but it's legitimate. It has a papal sanction for God's sake. LOKI So you're saying you and I can walk through this doorway and go back home? BARTLEBY No - by passing through the doors, our sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die... LOKI Wait. wait, wait - Die? I don't want to die. (chews popcorn) BARTLEBY (steps on conveyor belt) You'd rather stay down here for a few more eons? LOKI No, but we don't even know if we can die. And what if we can, but this archway thing doesn't pan out? What then? Hell? Fuck that. (spits out chewed popcorn into napkin) BARTLEBY Impossible. If we cut off our wings and transubstantiate to complete human form then we become mortal. And if we die with clean souls, there's no way to keep us out. They have to let us in. LOKI (beat) Who sent this thing? BARTLEBY I don't know. Somebody who's looking out for us, I guess. Does it matter? All that matters is that after all these years, we've found a loophole. He can't keep us out anymore. And once we're back in, I'm sure He'll just forgive and forget. They pass the Nun. who leans against a wall, still dazed. LOKI Yeah, but this plenary' indulgence thing is a church law, not Divine Mandate. Church laws are fallible because they're created by man. BARTLEBY One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter the first Pope by the Son of God before He left was "Whatever you hold true on earth..." LOKI " ...I'll hold true in Heaven." BARTLEBY So if the Pope says it's so, God must adhere. It's dogmatic law. LOKI (beat; extends hand) Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results. BARTLEBY (accepts hand) You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus. LOKI There's just one thing I think I should do before we leave - something that'Il get us back on His good side. BARTLEBY What's that? Loki smiles and starts rifling through his pockets. He extracts a magazine article. LOKI This is something I've been dreaming about for five years now. Read. The crumpled article displays a Barney-like gold-hued cow, alongside various profit charts and text. OC BARTLEBY (reading) "Mooby the Golden Calf- Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity." Loki wipes his mouth and nods to the article. LOKI I want to hit them. BARTLEBY Are you nuts?! (crumples article) We're mere days away from getting back, and you want to jeopardize it because you have a soft spot for the good ol' days?! LOKI What better way to show I've repented than by resuming the position I denied... thanks to you. BARTLEBY A killing spree is not going to make things better for us. LOKI We're not talking about killing here. We're talking about Divine Justice. We're talking about punishing the wicked, raining down fire and brimstone. He's all about that. I just know he'd want this done. BARTLEBY There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Besides, what if you're wrong? LOKI If I'm wrong, it won't matter. Like you said - we pass through the arch and we're forgiven anyway They step up to an elevator and press the button. BARTLEBY (considering it) Well... he does hate competition. (reading article) And this Mooby deninitely falls under that heading. LOKI The church we have to go to is where? BARTLEBY New ]ersey. The Rededication is in four days. The doors open. They get on. Other people are inside as well. LOKI Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing. BARTLEBY What's that? LOKI Let's kill people. A guy beside Loki reacts. Loki smiles at him as the elevator doors close. OPENING CREDITS Between black cards with white credits there are shots of the OLD MAN from the boardwalk being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney, being treated in the emergeny room, being hooked up to life support system, and finally resting in an intensive care wing. EXT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY The church sits on a grassy knoll in Mc Henry - a suburb of Chicago. Some kids tear by on bikes and egg it. OC PRIEST The greater Illinois chapter of the Right to Life foundation will be holding it's bi-annual softball game against the Cook County Pro-Choice league next Sunday at two. INT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY The PRIEST speaks from the lectern, addressing semi-filled rows of the faithful. PRIEST Those who find the weekly demonstration outside of the Twelfth Street Planned Parenthood Clinic hard to make due to work schedules are urged to show their support in the fight against the thoughtless and wanton destruction of life by cheering on our boys on the field. Refreshments. as always, will be served. Dollying down the rows while the Priest rattles on. we pass the parishoners. Some listen intently, others are nodding off. One surreptitiously listens to a Walk-man; a man and a woman quietly argue while their kid colors in a coloring book, going off the page and marking the pew; two kids play cards; one guy leafs through a copy of Hustler hidden by his hymnal book. OC PRIEST Today's second collection will be donated to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund. For those of you who haven't been following the news, an unidentified homeless man who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals. He lacks identification and police have had no luck in tracking down any possible family. While he shows no signs of recovery, the Arch-Bishop of the Trenton Diocese has disputed the state's decision to remove the indigent man from life support systems, asking that Catholics all over the country join in this protest against Euthanasia. And finally - will whoever keeps parking in my spot, stop doing that. Thank you. Now, please rise for the recession of faith. We believe in one God, the father... As the congregation flatly joins in the prayer, we stop on BETHANY - a beautiful twenty-something woman who struggles to stay awake. She checks her watch and exhales softly. OC VOICE I don't really want to be here. ENT PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC - DAY A small gaggle of signcarrying RIght-to-Lifer's march in front of the sterile looking building. OC VOICE But then again, I guess nobody ever does... except maybe you. INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY The source of the voice - a GIRL - sits beside Bethany's desk, stretching out her gum. Bethany offers her an understanding smile. GIRL You know, I've done this three times now; and each time the counselor tells me I should be more careful in the future, I should show' some responsibility. Gotta tell you, though - this is the first time the counselor wasn't some ugly as hell old bitch. It's kind of hard to take abortion advice from a woman who's too gross to get laid in the first place. BETHANY I'm not here to lecture you - I'm here to make sure you really want to go through with this. GIRL I'd rather go back to that night when my idiot bovfriend swore up and down he was sterile. Short of that, there aren't many choices left, now are there? BETHANY Ever think about having it? GIRL (beat) What woman doesn't on some level. BETHANY I never did. GIRL (incredulous) You had an abortion? BETHANY (lights a smoke) My first year in college. All through high school, I'd dated the same guy - Walter Flanagan. We were really in love, right? So much so. that we decided to go Carnegie Mellon together... that's this college in Pittsburgh. So there we are -away at school, and there's suddenly no parents to worry about anymore, so we're screwing like rabbits - just constanly doing it. And I wound up getting pregnant. So he begs me to have it. He says we should quit school and get married, and I'm telling him that that'lI screw up our educations. We fought about it for a week - my arguement being there was no rush to have kids, you know? We could always have a baby in a couple of years - after school. So I got the abortion against his wishes... I mean, what the hell - it was my body, right? After graduation, we got married and immediately set about trying to have kids. We tried like hell for the first six months, and... nothing. So I went to a gynocologist to see if everything was okay on my end. (beat) It wasn't. (takes a drink) My uteran wall had this fissure. It seems that the doctor who performed the procedure on me years before had somehow botched it. I'd never be able to have a child. The Girl's face says it all. Bethany takes a drag and continues. BETHANY So there I am - devastated. And now I have to go home to break the news to my husband who years before had begged me to have the baby - his baby. And after I explain it to him through my tears, he sits on the couch and rubs his eyes. And in the calmest, most rational voice I've ever heard anybody use in my life, he asks me for a divorce. And I fought him, you know? I tried to talk him out of it; told him there were alternatives - like we could adopt. And all he said was he wanted a wife who could have his children. GIRL (beat) What happened? BETHANY He remarried. He had two kids in two years with his new wife. We never spoke again. And now I do this. GIRL That's like... such a sad story. BETHANY I dated this guy a year or two ago - he was really into comic books. He told me I had the stock superhero story -I wanted to prevent a wrong that had happened to me from ever happening to anyone else. Kind of like Batman, he said. The only difference is I don't put on tights to do it... unless all my other clothes are in the wash. (smiles and puts out her smoke) So... let's go over your paperwork. EXT CLINIC - DAY A well-dressed LIZ maneuvers through the small thrall of Right-to-lifer's. They shake their placards at her accusingly. PROTESTOR 1 You should be ashamed of yourself! PROTESTOR 2 Child killer! LIZ (looking over their shoulders) HOLY SHIT!! IT'S THE POPE!! As the thrall turns excitedly in an effort try to spy the imaginary pontiff, Liz ducks inside the clinic. INT CLINIC COFFEE ROOM - DAY A NEWSPAPER HEADLINE fills the frame - "CHURCH SAYS NO TO DEATH OF JOHN DOE". It's lowered to reveal Bethany, reading. Liz enters and hangs up her coat. LIZ Jesus! You're a Catholic, aren't you? Can't you talk to them or something? BETHANY They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse - you're ]ewish, you don't know any better. LIZ I don't think they'd accept that one - we already used it as our excuse for killing Christ. So where were you yesterday morning - a bunch of us went out for brunch? BETHANY I went to church. LIZ That kills me. You and church. We work in a field that specializes in pissing off the cloth and you add insult to injury by breaking bread with them every week. BETHANY I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. I can remember sitting in church when I was a kid and being moved - like everything meant something, like I was important. And the stories of all these holy people were so inspiring. Now I sit there and think about my checking, and what I'm going to wear to work the next day. LIZ So then why do you still go? BETHANY (beat) You wouldn't believe me if I told you. LIZ You think I'm going to mock your religious beliefs? We're friends, Bethany - I may mock you for being a divorce' at twenty five who's never had an orgasm, but I'd never mock you for having faith. BETHANY That's just it - I don't. I don't think I have any faith left. LIZ (making coffee) I had a girl in here once - 'bout fifteen. She told me that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is full, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of water doesn't fill the glass anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled. BETHANY A fifteen year old who came in here said that? LIZ She had gotten knocked up by her pastor. BETHANY Jesus! See? A minister knocks up a teenager -isn't anyone afraid of the Lord's wrath anymore? LIZ That would require faith, and that commodity lately seems reserved only for the psychotic zealots that hang around outside. (collects her things to leave) So what are you doing tonight? BETHANY Watching T.V. LIZ Girl, you need a man. If only for ten minutes. BETHANY It's been my experience that the average male is never a man - not even for ten minutes in his entire life span. LIZ Uh-oh - that sounds militant. You thinking of joining the other side? BETHANY Couldn't do it. Women are insane. LIZ Then girl, you better get back to church and ask God for a third option. BETHANY I think God is dead. LIZ The sign of a true Catholic. Liz exits with her coffee. Bethany stares after her. INT A QUAINT SUBURBAN HOME - DAY The Stygian Triplets kneel on one knee before a high-backed leather chair, upon which Sits a shadowy figure who we see from behind. They appear to be in a den or library. SHADOWY FIGURE All proceeds according to plan. No doubt, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion. You know where she is. She must be elliminated befoie she enters the frav. When she is negated, there will be nothing to interfere with our plan. Shuffle her loose her mortal coil, that we may obtain our final glory. (beat) Go. The Stygian Triplets rise and skate off. INT BETHANY'S KITCHIEN - NIGHT The fridge door opens and Bethany glances around inside. She pulls out a chocolate cake and closes the door. INT BETHANY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Bethany sits on the couch, eating cake with a fork and watching the OC t.v. The theme song to Filmation's 'Batman and Robin' cartoon can be heard. She sips some milk from a glass and has some more cake. INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Bethany's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creaking floor board is heard. Bethany reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow. She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat. Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to be shooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from Bethany's bed. Bethany leaps back, taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one can see an anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze. VOICE (powerful; booming) BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICEOF THE ONE TRUE GOD! The Voice repeats itself. Bethany darts out of bed and dashes out of the room, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is in mid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister, swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The booming Voice sputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive edge. Bethany stops squirting and turns on her bedside lamp. A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves her away. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops to the floor, hacking. It is METATRON. Bethany stares, shocked. METATRON (between coughs) Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the whole can?! Bethany grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively. BETHANY WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?! METATRON (slowly rising to it's feet) I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one who's pissed. That's rich! BETHANY (reaching for phone, still holding bat) I'm calling the cops! Breaking and entering, attempted arson... they're going to lock you up for life...! M ETATRON (wiping off clothes) No dial tone. BETHANY (ear to phone) You cut the phone lines... (even more offensive with bat) Get the fuck out of here, now! METATRON Or you'll what - hit me with that fish? The bat Bethany held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks. METATRON Now just sit down on the bed and shut up! BETHANY Oh God - you're going to rape me... METATRON I'm not going to rape you. (to itself; off clothes) Look at my suit...! BETHANY Take whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me... METATRON Enough with the raping already! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. (unzips pants and pulls them off) Angels are ill-equipped. Bethany stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Metatron. There is nothing where some sexual genitalia should be - it's as smooth and anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. METATRON See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. (rings out pants) You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think everyone's just waiting to rape you. BETHANY Wh..what are you? METATRON I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes into your room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid. (pulls pants back on) Go get me a towel, will you? Bethany blinks. She exits the room and comes back with a towel. She holds it out to Metatron who grabs it and starts toweling off. METATRON (taking off jacket) Stand back. Bethany steps back. Metatron flexes and huge fucking wings extend from it's back, dripping water. Bethany goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall. METATRON (tosses towel away) Like I was saying - I am the Metatron. Bethany stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Metatron looks insulted. METATRON Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell? Bethany remains silent and wideyed. Metatron gets testy. METATRON You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right? (beat) I am a seraphim. (beat) The highest choir of angels? (beat) You do know what an angel is, don't you? Bethany slowly nods. METATRON Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves. BET HANY (beat) Why doesn't God speak for himself? METATRON Ah. So glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that - human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adam's before we figured that out. BETHANY Are you going to kill me? Ni ETATRON I could for what you did to this suit. Unfortunately I can't. You're called. BETH ANY (beat) Called how? How called? METATRON All that from two words. Color this angel impressed. BETHANY (beat) How do I know you're an angel? METATRON Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? You people kill me. Fine. You want more proof? How about a tequila? (snaps fingers) INT MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT Bethany and Metatron sit at a table. Bethany immediately clutches at her pajamas. Metatron waves a WAITER over. BETHANY Where the hell are we?! METATRON The only place one can go for good tequila. (to Waiter) Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass. WAITER Si. The Waiter turns to leave. Metatron yanks a smoke from his pocket as he goes. METATRON Gracias, senor. BETHANY We're in Mexico?! METATRON Actually, we're in the Chilli's down the street from your house, but it was still an impressive trick (lights smoke) You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our profile low. BETHANY I suppose it would be too cliche to observe aloud that this is the weirdest dream I've ever had. METATRON Can you imagine how insulting it is to converse with a person and have them insist you're a dream? If I had an ego, it'd be bruised. BETHANY What do you want with me? METATRON I'm to charge you with a holy crusade. (pause) You do know what a crusade is, don't you? BETHANY (sarcastically) Uh, yeah. METATRON Don't give me that. Last time I charged someone with a crusade they had to look the word up. BETHANY Why am I supposed to go on a crusade? METATRON Your's is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't seem to be doing much lately. The Waiter arrives with their drinks. METATRON Oh - Gracias! (he leaves; off the tequila) One of the only things your people have mastered since you crawled from the primordial ooze. (sips) BETHANY I work in an abortion clinic. METATRON (spits tequila into empty glass) Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to part an ocean. All you have to do is go to New Jersey. BETH ANY New ]ersey. METATRON Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit and small church on a very important day. Agreed? BETHANY That doesn't sound like a crusade. METATRON Aside from the fine print, that's it. BETHANY What's the fine print? METATRON (mumbles into glass) stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila. (sips) BETHANY Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. METATRON Damn, this is good tequila? BETHANY The first part. METATRON (spits into empty glass) Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them. BETHANY Clarify that. METATRON That's the problem with you people - you need every-thing clarified. No leaps of faith whatsoever. Alright -vou want the whole secret origin? Here goes: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was bore by the Angel of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom and Gommorah were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie? That was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer. BETHANY Why? METATRON Because he listened to his friend - a Grigori by the name of Bartleby. BETHANY Grigori? METATRON One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. Guess what they do? BETHANY So they're like Guardian angels? METATRON Exactly like that, but different. So one day, Loki's wiping out all the first born of Egypt... BETHANY The Tenth Plague. METATRON See? Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankiy; mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and they're suddenly theology scholars. May I continue uninterrupted? (Bethany nods) So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention the fact that Loki's more than half in the bag, and in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one - one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits: throws down his fiery sword, gives him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us. because from that day forward, God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting. BETHANY Sounds reasonable. METATRON Maybe to you, but I'm a lush by nature. BETHANY I mean about the angel of Death's resignation. METATRON For a liberal, yes, but this is the Angel of Death we're talking about. The Angel of Death can't be a conscientious objector. The Angel of Death is charged with meting out whatever justice God demands. So for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise. BETHANY Were they sent to Hell? METATRON Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity. BETHANY And what's this have to do with me? METATRON Somebody's clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to reenter Heaven. BETHANY So what? They beat the system. Good for them. METATRON It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now listen up because this part is very important: existence in all it's form and splendor functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove God wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence - if they are allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world. BETHANY Are these guys that bitter? METATRON No, that's the stupid part: they have no idea what their actions will result in. As far as they know, they're just going home. Isn't that sweet? BETHANY If this is so major, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something? METATRON He could. He could blink them out of existence, destroy that church, turn them into plants. But He'd rather see you take care of this one personally. BETHANY Why me? METATRON Because of who you are. BETHANY And who am I? METATRON The girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions just serve your purpose. BETHANY I'll pass. METATRON I beg your pardon? BETHANY When some asshole abortion doctor destroyed my uterus -where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't bear his children - where was God? Now all the sudden, after all these years of quiet noninvolvement in my life, He sends one of His lackey's my way who tells me I should save the world, and as what - some sort of test? To Hell with Him. METATRON Do yourself a favor Bethany - do the world a favor: let go of your petty crap. It's served you precious little in the past, and it serves you even less now when the fate of existence hangs in the balance. Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being just because you have a grudge against your creator. BETHANY A grudge? Do you know why I work in that clinic? It's my own private way of saying "fuck you" to God. METATRON And any other day I'd say that's your business and your life, and enjoy yourself and goodnight. But this isn't about you - this is about eve~body. So you lost the abiliry to make life. You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world by acting like one and protecting it - saving it. (swigs her drink and spits it out) But I can't make you. You'll do what you will. However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support. BETHANY What, more angels? NIETATRON Prophets - although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away - one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks - and he will at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same. (looks at watch) I have to go. You'll do what you will, but try to remember that we're working in a time frame here. Metatron moves to exit. BETHANY (beat) Hey. (Metatron turns) You work for God. METATRON They tell me it's God. If it's not, I'm going to be severely pissed - what with all these years of bossing people around on his behalf and expectorating perfectly good tequila. BETHANY What's he like? God? METATRON (thinks) Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. BETHANY I'll bet. METATRON Look at sex. Sex is funny. One time I asked him why you people had to look so stupid while procreating. He said if you didn't, you'd do it all the time, just for fun. BETHANY But we do. METATRON I know. And you all look so damn stupid doing it. It kills us upstairs. BETHANY Sex is a joke in Heaven? METATRON The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too. And with that, Nietatron is gone. Bethany looks at her drink. A three-man mariachi band surround her and begin playing Prince's 'Little Red Corvette'. INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Bethany startles awake. The radio on her night-table plays 'Little Red Corvette'. She lays back down. INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY Bethany sits at her desk, staring into space. A twenty-something girl speaks, butBethany's not really listening. She's extremely preoccupied. INT CLINIC - NIGHT Bethany shuts off the lights in the various rooms. She packs up her bag and turns on the alarm. EXT CLINIC - NIGHT Bethany exits and locks the door behind her. She starts walking. As her feet tread lightly toward her car, three small shadows move toward her. Bethany throws her bag on her car roof and rumages through her purse for her keys. She hears something and stops. Roller blades can be heard moving slowly across the asphalt of the parking lot. Bethany turns quickly. Nobody's there. She looks around, a bit peturbed. BETHANY (calling into the darkness) God, what time do you people quit and go home?! Let's just save it for tomorrow, alright? There's no response. Then there's the noise of wood being tapped against the ground. Bethany peers into the darkness, looking for the source. Suddenly, a skater whips past her, slamming his stick into the back of her knee. Bethany goes down. Another skater whips in and slashes at her, but she ducks. The stick hits the car door above her. She rifles through her purse madly until another skater whips by, dragging her purse away with his stick. Bethany looks up. The Stygian Triplets are lined up menacingly, a few feet from her. They tap their hockey sticks in unison on the ground. Bethany jumps up and faces them defensively. The Triplets emit an unholy shriek and charge at her. And from out of nowhere, a large figure swoops down from above, landing on the ground between Bethany and her menacers. The Triplets stop short and regard the figure curiously. The large figure whips into a defensive stance, Batman-style. The Stygian Triplets look to one another. They shrug and charge anew. From behind the rock-still large figure, a smaller figure leaps into the streetlight, shrieking, flying through the air, busting into a flying kick. He lands before the middle Triplet and open-palm punches him twice in the face, grabbing his stick from the falling child's hand and tossing it into the air behind him. The stick sails through the night air and is snatched by the grip of the large figure, who twirls it under his arm, and then back Out like a sai. He swings it out before him, knocking the other two Triplets off balance. The smaller figure back flips into the larger figure's arms and kicks his feet into the faces of the two wobbling Triplets. They go down, and the smaller figure leaps forward with a shriek, landing between the fallen pair, elbows into their backs. The flrst struck Triplet leaps out of the darkness at the large figure, screaming something unholy. The large figure catches the kid by the throat and quickly head butts him, tossing him to the side. The large figure sways for a beat and then shakes it off. The small figure collects the hockey sticks and throws them into the distance. He kicks at the falien Triplets as they scurry away. SMALL FIGURE (calling after them) GO BACK TO YOUR PAPER ROUTES, YOU PUNK FUCKS! (more to himself) Snoogans. The large figure saddles up beside the small figure. They look at one another and shake hands. SMALL FIGURE Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking asses! Bethany stares, mystified. She grabs her purse from the ground. BETHANY Where... where did you learn to do... that stuff?! SMALL FIGURE From this comic book some guys made about us. Long story. BETHANY (beat) I don't know what to say... or think. The figures turn into the light, revealing the faces of the heroes for the first time - two very familiar faces. SMALL FIGURE Say you'll offer us sex as a reward. BETHANY Who are you? The large figure lights up a smoke. The small one extends his hand. SMALL FIGURE Jay. And this is my business associate, Silent Bob. BIETHANY Well thank you for being out here so late... Come to think of it, what are you doing out here so late? (freezes) Wait a second are you protestors? JAY What's a protestor? BETHANY You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's? JAY You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice:a woman 5 body is her own fucking business. BETHANY Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around? JAY We're here to pick up chicks. BETHANY (a bit stunned) Excuse me? JAY We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck. BETHANY (taken aback) Oh. Right. Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue... I think. JAY (shocked) Wait, wait, wait - we just saved your ass, and you're just going to take off? What the shit is that? BETHANY I had a weird night last night, and now tonight's not shaping up to be any better. I think I should go home, take some percosets, and lay down. (opens her car door) JAY (to Silent Bob) How about that shit? Fuck this town, man - I'm going back to Jersey and selling weed~ (they start walking) At least there I can get turned down while trying to make myself a profit. Bethany freezes. Metatron's words echo in her ear. She shakes her head. BETHANY (to herself) You've gotta be kidding me. (thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait! She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively. BETHANY Sorry. (beat) Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this... (inhales deeply) Would you... like to have a drink with me? Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm. JAY See?! I told you if we hung around outside that place we'd get laid! Thank you! (looking skyward) Thank you, God! INT SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHT Various guns are laid out atop a glass case. OC SALESMAN Now this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but one look at it and nobody - I mean nobody - is going to fuck with you. Try it on. Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him. LOKI It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, I'll say that much. BARTLEBY It's the weapon of choice these days. LOKI It seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked intimidating. How can I strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this? SALESMAN Oh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante, right? Like Batman or something. LOKI Batman never uses guns. (off gun) I don't know. It feels impersonal. BARTLEBY Then don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste like Sodom and Gommorah. Now that was something. LOKI Oh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there and read. I had to do all the work. BARTLEBY What work? You lit a few fires. LOKI I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference. BARTLEBY Sure. LOKI Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer. (to Salesman) I'll take this one. SALESMAN Five seventy five to walk with it right now. Loki starts sifting through his wallet. BARTLEBY Soccer? INT DINER - NIGHT An English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises the bread to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stops chewing. Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, and nods. All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the English muffin down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile a minute. BETHANY Are you both from around here? JAY I'm hard as hell. BETHANY Do you live in the city? JAY Do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you going to do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. BETHANY You're a man of principle. Where do you come from? JAY We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real small town. We practically knew everybody. BETHANY What brought you to McHenry? JAY Hollywood. BETHANY (beat) Hollywood? JAY Oh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of this video store. And one day this fuck wants to rent a video. So we did, only we didn't have anyplace to watch it. So we went to the mall and popped it into a VCR at Macy's and sat on the floor and watched it. It was called 'Sixteen Candles'. Did you ever see it? BETHANY Yes. JAY So the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club', and then 'Weird Science' where these two fucks have a chick that'll do anything for them and they don't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then we got thrown out of Macy's when we watched 'Pretty in Pink', because of this bitch. (points to Silent Bob) BETHANY (to Silent Bob) What'd you do? JAY You know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets together with her dream guy at the prom? (Bethany nods) Well pussy here starts fuckin' sobbing all sorts of loud and shit. And the manager's like "Get the hell out of here!" And I'm like "Fuck you, you bald cocksucker! I'll kick your lard.. BETHANY (speeding him along) So what exactly brought you to Illinois? JAY Oh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit! BETHANY And now you live here? JAY Fuck that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a stupid accent so you don't know what they're saying, and it's too fuckin' cold. We were talking about taking off. Until we met you, that is. (kisses her hand) BETHANY (retracts her hand) Right. So how much longer are you staying here? JAY Until you're ready to skip out and make with the sex. BETHANY No. How long are you staying in McHenry? JAY We're leaving tomorrow. BETHANY Where are you going next? JAY (to Silent Bob) Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions. (to Bethany) Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like five years now. It's about time for us to retire or something. Enjoy our salad years. No more adventures. BETHANY I see. (sips her coffee) JAY Yeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the ass? BETHANY I didn't ask you out for sex. JAY I'll take head. BETHANY I don't know why, but... (composes herself) ...I want to go with you. JAY What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? (shrugs to Silent Bob) Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent. BETHANY No, I want to go with you to New Jersey. JAY Really? You're the only chick I ever met that wanted to go to Jersey. Most chicks try to get out. BETHANY When can we leave? JAY Wait a second! What is this shit? Are we going fuck or not? BETHANY You're going to lead me somewhere. JAY Me lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am half the time. If we're not going to fuck then what the hell did you ask me out for? BETHANY Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me somewhere I was supposed to go. I didn't believe it until you said that thing in the parking lot. JAY What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarfs and you promised us se~.. (to Silent Bob) Didn't this crazy bitch promise us sex? (to Bethany) ...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to take you somewhere, and you don't even know where it is? BETHANY (beat) Do you believe in God? JAY (horrified) Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak! (to Silent Bob, getting up) Let's go... BETHANY (grabbing his sleeve) No. wait... JAY (pulling back) I'll scream rape. BETHANY I can pay you. JAY (quickly sitting back down) Pay? BETHANY For being my guide. You were going to leave anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along and see where it leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and all expenses. JAY (thinks; to Silent Bob) I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar. (to Bethany) What about sex? BETHANY No sex. JAY Alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off - would you fuck us then? BETHANY In that highly unlikely situation? (beat) Yeah, sure. JAY Yeah? You slut. Noonch. (to Silent Bob) What do you think? Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up. JAY Alright. But I'll drive. EXT MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHT Bethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, reving awfully loudly. INT BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHT The speedometer reads ninety five. Jay drives, eyes glued to the road. happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to his right. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortable and dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races. BETHANY (yelling over engine noise) What gear are you in? JAY (not looking back) Gear? EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is open and smoke billows out. JAY (defensively) Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever drove before! Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head. JAY Chicks. Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working on the engine as a cross~ountry bus races by. INT BUS - NIGHT Bartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares at the gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them. BARTLEBY We have to pass through three more states to get to New Jersey: Indianna, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. LOKI With a very important stop in Cleveland. BARTLEBY Oh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like a bad movie. LOKI Movies are bullshit. And don't start with me, airight. The last time you bugged me about my job, you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin. (looks out window) All this time we've been down here, why didn't we ever leave the Cheese? BARTLEBY He said to stay where he put us. We feared worse punishment if we disobeyed Him again. LOKI Where were we afraid He'd send us? BARTLEBY New Jersey. LOKI Now that, my friend. is irony. BARTLEBY (beat) You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter. How can you even be sure of what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. Remember when eating meat on Friday was supposed to be a Hellworthy tresspass? Or when people weren't even supposed to shop on Sundays? LOKI That stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never change. And believe me - I can spot a commandment breaker a mile away. BARTLEBY Sure. LOKI You don't believe me? (looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple) There. There's one. BARTLEBY (off couple) So what? They're kissing. LOKI Adultery. BARTLEBY That's a stretch. How do you know they're not dating? LOKI You'd know better than me - let's hear it. BARTLEBY Oh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up on the job you really are. LOKI A test? BARTLEBY Of sorts. So what's your proof? LOKI He's wearing a wedding band. BARTLEBY So? Maybe that's his wife. LOKI No married man kisses his wife like that. You get married and the passion dies, man. Don't you ever watch talk shows? BARTLEBY What are you talking about? LOKI A guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the object of his desire is won, there's no need to expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfied with the spoils of victory, which he then decides isn't so victorious because he's saddled with a life-mate. BARTLEBY Very romantic sentiment. LOKI That's the problem - romance. You think about it :back in the old days, nobody got married out of quote, unquote, love. People married for property', dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself through offspring. When did all this love stuff start? What the hell happened to the status quo? BARTLEBY The Troubadors. LOKI Lionel Richie's old group? BARTLEBY No, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were wandering minstrels and dramatists that sang melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love. LOKI Sounds like the Commodores. BARTLEBY The Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their influence altered the balance in a significant fashion. Until them, people got married because they had to. After them, people started 'falling in love'. Romantic courtships became the norm. What started out as simple entertainment made such a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way society operates. LOKI That's human beings for you - easily misled. From the Garden of Eden to the 'Thigh Master' - thev believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one day they're all going to watch one too many John Hughes flicks and start looking for Shermer, Illinois. BARTLEBY Be fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb. (off couple) So is it adultery or not? LOKI (thinks; to couple) Excuse me. The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki. LOKI Are you married? MAN (puzzled) Why? LOKI Just curious. MAN (holds up ring finger) What do you think? The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a "Satisfled?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder. MAN (breaks kiss; pissed) What?! LOKI To her? MAN What? LOKI Are you married to her? MAN Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no! Why?! Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the man in the head. Screaming ensues. EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT The bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After a beat, Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone. BARTLEBY You're such an asshole. LOKI Don't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores. BARTLEBY Troubadors. EXT ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWN Silent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him various wrenches. Bethany steams off to the side. JAY (to Silent Bob) She's pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. (beat) Let me know how she is. BETHANY (turns on him) Nobody is fucking me! You got that?! JAY At least not in this car. BETHANY (sighs) I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't know what I was thinking. But being that I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is where you two get off. JAY You're breaking up with us? BETHANY Good luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever it is vou're looking for. Sorry for the inconvenience. Good bye. Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked. JAY (to Bethany) Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breaking people's hearts like that! We fell in love with you! Guys like us don't just fall out of the sky, you know! On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky. landing between the two parties. Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, and ashen - as if he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees and rolls him over, feeling for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward as Silent Bob joins him. JAY (yelling up) A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from the sky, you know?! (beat; to Silent Bob) Was worth a try. Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest. BETHANY No heartbeat. JAY Do you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'? Did you ever see that flick? BETHANY (starts CPR'ing him) I think there would have been more of a mess if he fell from that high. MAN Not necessarily. Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face. JAY KILL IT!! KILL IT!! MAN That sounds familiar. BETHANY Jesus, are you okay? MAN Rufus. And yes, I'm fine. JAY He's the fuckin' undead!! Cut his head off!! RUFUS (getting up with Bethany's help) What happened to your car? You clock ninety in first gear or something? JAY Mind your own fucking business! RUFUS (to Jay) Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not easy and it ga\e me a fucking migraine. Now if you don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off. JAY (hiding behind Silent Bob) I knew it! Mother fucker wants to eat my brain! BETHANY I think he was aiming a bit further south. (to Rufus) Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus, is it? RUFUS Rufus it is, Miss. (to Silent Bob) Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your coat 'till I can find my own threads? Jay looks at Silent Bob. JAY Dude, he fell out of thin air! Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs. JAY Dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the inside of your armor! RUFUS (to Silent Bob) I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother. Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits. BETHANY Where exactly did you fall from? RUFUS Some might say grace. JAY (to Silent Bob) Dude, he's talking about your mom. Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there. Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustles slightly. OC BETHANY You know, normally I'd have a hard time with this, but somehow you falling out of the sky seems to go hand in glove with some of the other stuff I've been deaiing with. OC RUFUS Believe me - you ain't seen nothing yet. Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps out at him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick. The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANY Rufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side. Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. He rolls it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it. Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it up hard, into the Triplet's forhead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's side and plies the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC. The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and rips downward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it, disappearing. Jay and Silent Bob look at eachother, blink, and embrace passionately. The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick in lancing position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself, grabbing the stick and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in an arch, letting go. The last Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and it seals shut. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are in various wide-eyed states of shock. JAY Alright - what's with you, lady?! That's the second time you got attacked by the fucking Mighty Ducks! RUFUS (wiping off hands) Man, they're onto you bad, already. I got here just in time. BETHANY How can you be so composed? We were almost killed. RUFUS Death is a worry of the living. The dead only worry about decay and necrophiliacs. JAY See! I told you he was the undead! RU FUS Not the undead, the dead. I died. Christ told me the secret to resurrection once when we were at a wedding in Canna, but I got drunk and forgot it. BETHANY (incredulous) Wait. wait, wait - Christ? You knew Christ? RUFUS Knew him? I saw him naked. BETHANY Let me guess - you're another angel? RUFUS No, I'm a man - just like you and him. (looks at Jay) Well, maybe not like him. At least I was a man. Been dead for nearly two thousand years. Here. (pulls rolled up paper from behind his ear) JAY No wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj. BETHANY (unrollingit) It's not a joint. (looks at it) I can't read this. RUFUS It's Sanskiit. It says "Rufus - see you in two years. Jesus." Freaked me out because he basically told me when my number was up. Took the flavor out of the remaining years. Look, we gotta keep moving. If we stay in one place long enough, those things are liable to come back. What say we continue this discussion over something to eat? BETHANY (snaps) WAIT A SECOND! (inhales deeply) I'm a rational woman, okay. All I want to know is where you, and those... kids came from?! RUFUS They came from Hell. I came from Heaven. (walking away) Let's start walking. JAY Walk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere? RUFUS Back in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere. Did you ever hear of a fat apostle? (exits) Bethany looks to Jay and Silent Bob for some guidance or stability. JAY What's an apostle? Bethany shakes her head and exits. Jay and Silent Bob shrug at each other. EXT MOOBY CORP. BUILDING - DAWN A large office building in downtown Cleveland. The city. hasn't started up yet. A pickup truck pulls curbside in front of the structure. Bartleby and Loki jump out of the back and pat the side of the truck. offering waved thank-you's to the driver. As the truck pulls away, Loki pulls out the article and looks at it. He looks up at the building and nods to Bartleby, smiling. They head toward the front doors. INT QUAlNT SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAWN A ringing phone is answered by the unseen figure in the chair. We move from the seated Figure, passing by the dead bodies of the home's original owners, and come to a stop on the bruised and worn Stygian Triplets seated on a couch. They look scared. FIGURE Hello?... No, they're not in right now... I'm the phone guy... I'll leave them a message... Bye. The Figure hangs up the phone and rises. FIGURE You say the girl has already met the prophets? The Stygian Triplets nod. FIGURE She grows closer to learning her true identity. If that happens, our plan is jeopardized. I can't afford to go into the field - that might compromise us further. The best course of action is to insure that our parcel is not found. And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a girl, I'm left with no choice but to seek outside assistance in guarding our package. (sighs) I'm going to have to summon the Golgothan. The Figure exits. The Stygian Triplets register shock. EXT FAST FOOD JOINT - DAWN Rufus - now wearing some funky new clothes - carries a tray of fast food to an outdoor table. Sitting already are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob. RUFUS (off new clothes) It's amazing the shit people throw out. Didn't I tell you I'd find some threads? A car full of teens whip past them. TEEN (yelling from passing car) GARBAGE PICKER! RUFUS (waves to them) Thank you. (to group) What's that mean? JAY It means they saw you pull that shit out of that dumpster. RUFUS So it's a good thing, then. (handing coat back to Silent Bob) I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have this back. JAY (to Silent Bob) Lucky you. RUFUS (off food) Damn, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk. What do you call this shit? BETHANY (to Rufus) Egg McMuffin. Now how about you start explaining some things to me. RUFUS Like what? BETHANY Like - for starters - who the hell are those kids that keep attacking me? RUFUS Nasty little bastards called the Stygian Triplets. They're not really related. When they were alive they were a trio of kids that snatched a neighbor's toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see what it looked like" I believe was their defense. They were killed in a car wreck on the way to a detention center. BETHANY So they're dead too? RUFUS You'd be surprised how many dead people are just walking around - we're stubborn bastards. Thing is, those kids are supposed to be in Hell. Which means that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they're willing to summon demons. BETHANY Is it those two angels I'm supposed to stop? RUFUS Couldn't be. They're not evil - they're just stupid. JAY (to Bethany) Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this shit? We don't even know who this guy is. For all you know, he's in with those fucks. They both showed up at the same time. BETHANY I hate to say it - but he does have a point. How did you know where to find us? RUFUS You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. JAY (to Silent Bob) I can't wait to die. BETHANY And why are you watching me? RUFUS Because you're the one who's going to help me get some changes made in that book you all hold so much stock in. JAY Hustler? RUFUS The Bible. BETHANY What's your beef with the Bible? RUFUS I'm not in it. JAY Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching. RUFUS But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth Apostle. BETHANY I've been going to church my entire life and I've never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus. RUFUS See? You know all about the other twelve Apostles -white boys, I might add. But no mention of Rufus. And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just my pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error that you people are basing a faith on. BETHANY What's that? RUFUS Jesus wasn't white; He was black. Rufus bites into his sandwhich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him and then each other. JAY Bullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has blonde hair and blue eyes. RUFUS (wiping hands) That's what's particularly insulting. Between the time when He established the faith and the church started to officially organize, the powers-that-be decided that while the message of Christ was integral, the fact that He was black was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric, even though the brother was blacker than Jesse. BETHANY If that's true, then why'd He get written about while you were left out? RUFUS Well He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of hard to have the New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts and put a spin on His ethnicity. Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve apostles to choose from. JAY I don't buy it. RUFUS That's what the good people of Antioch were saying when they stoned my ass. BETHANY You were martyred? RUFUS That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big rocks. See - Christ told us Apostles to go out into the world and spread His word. Antioch was already garnering a big Christian following, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing about Jesus' message, and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned He was black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. I pressed the point, and before I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to accessonze. BETH ANY Why didn't you just let the point go when you saw how they were reacting? RUFUS Because it's part of the facts. White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they're getting all this from a black Jesus, they freak. And that - my friends - is called Hypocrisy. Folks just can't accept a black Savior. (to Silent Bob) You going to eat that hash brown? BETHANY So you went to Heaven? RUFUS Shit yeah; it was the least the brother could do. I gave up my sheep and followed His ass around Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time, did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't bitch, because I was into His message. And while the message is what counts, folks should know that He was black. That's why I'm going to help you find stop those angels from getting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign. BETHANY How do you know about that? RUFUS Heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that breaks the tedium is news. The unmaking of existence is what you might consider a great tediumbreaker. Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you. BETHANY I find that hard to believe. RUFUS When you were five you let a kid from next door piss on your hand. JAY (shocked) You did that? BETHANY Yeah... but I never told anyone about it. RUFUS Neither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later. His name was... BETHANY ...BryanJohnson. RUFUS Your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-known in Heaven. Probably in Hell, too. Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go. JAY (intrigued) Tell me something about me. RUFUS (preoccupied with the OC Bethany) You masturbate more than anybody else on the planet. JAY Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. RUFUS You think about guys when you do it. Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked. JAY Not all the time! Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddie-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufus joins her. RUFUS I'm sorty if I spooked you. BETHANY I just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine exclusively. RUFUS That's the way it goes with celebrities. BETHANY What are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just a quiet girl from the suburbs who counsels pregnant teens. RUFUS You sound like Christ. He had the same reaction when He found out who He was, minus the quiet girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm sure you'll come to terms and do what you're supposed to. BETHANY Why not get the pope or someone holy like that? RUFUS Just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make him the right man for the job. Only certain hands can deliver the world from the brink of destruction. last time it was Jesus - this time it's you. BETHANY Why me? RUFUS Can't say yet. But the question is - are your hands capable enough to carry the burden. It all rides on you. BFTRANY (rubbing her temples) Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home. You know, yesterday I wasn't sure God even existed. And now I'm upto my ass in Christian Mythology. RUFUS God hates it when it's referred to as Mythology. BFTHANY Well then let's ask the quote, unquote 'prophets' what we should call it instead. (looking OC; concerned) Now where did those two assholes go? INT STRIP JOINT It's your typical strip club. One woman on a stage and a crowd of men paying way-too-much attention. The place is dimly lit with red lights and chock full of smoke. Off to one side, a dee-jay spins records, blasting the music. The crowd is rather thin. Jay and Silent Bob sit at the stage. their eyes glued on... The DANCER - a gorgeous, shapely vixen with very little clothing on, and growing littler by the second. Jay pokes Silent Bob, who produces a wad of bills. They skim off a nice pile and stow the rest. They spread their piles neatly on the bar. The Dancer smiles and starts dancing toward them. Jay holds up a five-spot and performs his own little seductive dance ~th it. He stands at the edge of the stage, ~'rating. The Dancer slinks over and Jay stuffs the five in her G-string. She rubs his head and slinks away. Jay humps Silent Bob's chair, excitedly. Bethany and Rufus come up from behind them. Bethany hits Jay. BETHANY (shouting above the music) What are you doing? JAY Proving to this bastard that I ain't gay. BETHANY What? RUFUS Long story - forget it. But we should get moving. How can we get to New Jersey? BETHANY I had a car. She slaps Jay upside the head, but - riveted by the Dancer - he doesn't feel it. BETHANY (to Rufus) We could go by train. RUFUS (looking OC) Sounds cool. BETHANY There's a phone out there. I'll call for reservations. Rufus is now also riveted by a table dancer off to the side. BETHANY No, it's okay. I can handle it. Rufus half-nods. Bethany shakes her head and exits. The Dancer gyrates on the stage, revealing more and more of herself. Jay pounds on the stage, hoots, and dances, flashing more bills. ACROSS THE STAGE a small GANG of bandanna-wearing, angry-looking blacks watch the OC Jay with little amusement. The Dancer dances toward them. JAY (banging on stage) Sweet thing! (Hashes another five) Look what I found! Snoog! The Dancer smiles as she approaches Jay, but is interrupted by more banging. The GANG LEADER has his foot on the stage. He produces a ten dollar bill from his jacket and casually holds it up. The other three members of his posse smile and slap hands. The Dancer shrugs at the shocked Jay and changes direction, heading toward the Gang. Jay casts a horrified look at Silent Bob. The Gang Leader leans forward, preparing to tip when we hear an obnoxiously loud throat~learing. Jay holds aloft a twenty, smiling and nodding. The Dancer shrugs at the Gang Leader and again switches direction. The Gang Leader looks at his posse, who shake their heads at him, disappointedly. The Stage becomes a bidding table, as - on one side - the Gang Leader produces two twenties. On the other side, jay - staring at the Gang Leader - produces three twenties. The Gang Leader hits his posse up for more cash. Jay hits Silent Bob up for more cash. The Dancer stays in the middle, gyrating and sizing up the best offer. Jay then produces the creme'de Ia creme': three hundred dollar bills. He sneers at the OC Gang Leader. The Dancer heads over to jay and wraps her legs around him from the stage, gyrating against his groin. Jay stares at the Gang Leader, a victorious smirk on his face. The Gang Leader shakes his head angrily and jumps out of his seat, producing a gun from his jacket. He fires into the ceiling. The music scratches to a halt and the other viewers scatter toward the door. The Gang Leader points his piece at Jay, his posse backing him up. GANG LEADER You a smart ass, ain'tcha, white boy? Come in here and ruin my good time. JAY It's a free country. The bitch just came to the man with the most. DANCER Bitch? JAY No offense, baby. GANG LEADER The bitch is gonna be leaving with the man with the most - the man with the most led in his piece. While you and tubby are leaving with the most led in your dead fucking carcasses, know what I'm sayin? JAY (to Dancer) Step to the side, baby. I've gotta slap this pussyass, Nino Brown wanna-be down. DANCER (to Gang Leader) Come on, Kane. This isn't necessary. GANG LEADER Shut the fuck up and back away from the midget! The Dancer moves to the side. GANG LEADER (to Jay) Now I believe you were about to apologize. I believe you were about to intone some pleas for mercy. You were about to say "Please, Mister Kane, I didn't mean to disrespect you in your club. Please accept my most humble apology. Bethany comes back and sees the mess. She moves to rush to Jay's side, but Rufus holds her back An OC Jay laughs. Jay leans on Silent Bob, laughing. The Gang stares back, angrily. JAY You want an apology? GANG LEADER (cocks gun) Give me at least one "I'm sorry," and ltll put a kill shot through that thick fucking skull of your's. Otherwise we go slow and long in the pain dispensation. JAY (beat; zips jacket closed) Know what I'm doing? GANG LEADER No. What you doing? JAY I'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this up, I don't get your filthy fucking brain guts all over my shirt. You know why? GANG LEADER Why? JAY Because you can't get shit stains out of flannel. What I'm saying is that you got shit for brains. The Gang Leader and his posse stare silently for a moment. GANG LEADER Well I appreciate you breaking that down for me, but I got it without the explanation. JAY No. No, I don't think you did get it. See, there's gonna he some nine's firing in here, and when the bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass is gonna be all holes and smoke. You think you can draw on me and walk away? Fuck that. And fuck you - you punk-ass monkey bitch! Yeah, I called you a monkey! Maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before I cap you, I'll bring a coconut to your funeral and lay it on your grave; stick a straw through it and stick the other end in the ground. Your lips'll reach. The Gang stares, mystified. Rufus and Bethany can't move they're so frightened. JAY You think every white boy cowers at your ass? Shit, if I don't fucking plant you - watermelon - my muscle here will. (thumbs at Silent Bob) What do you think he is? My boy friend? I love chicks. So he's gotta be with me for one reason: to watch my back. Silent Bob doesn't talk in words - he speaks in bullets. Re's all quiet cause he's thinking about how he's gonna take you and your bitches out quick enough to piss on the bullets in your bodies before they cool down. You know why? Because he likes to see the hot steam coming off them when he sprays them down. Come to think of it, I~m tired of talking to your dumb ass; you probably don't even understand big words like 'piss'. Tell you what - I'll let him explain it to you. (to Silent Bob) Silent Bob - shoot these punk-monkey bitches. Silent Bob slowly raises his hands in a surrender fashion. Jay looks at him. JAY What are you waiting for?! Silent Bob shrugs. JAY (flabbergasted) YOU DON'T RAVE A GUN?!? Silent Bob kind of nods JAY (shocked) WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER, AND YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN?!? Silent Bob indicates the negative, sheepishly. JAY THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT! DO YOU THINK I WOULD'VE SAID ALL THAT IF I'D KNOWN YOU DIDN'T HAVE A GUN?!? (beat) HUNHH?!? Silent Bob raises his eyebrows remorsefully. The Gang snickers and smiles. GANG LEADER What was that about a coconut? Jay shakes his head and glowers at Silent Bob. JAY No gun! What the fuck kind of muscle are you?! All this time and you got no gun! GANG LEADER Oh boys! We have some unfinished business here. JAY (sheepishly) Can we talk this over? GANG LEADER Tell you what - you got thirty seconds. Then I cap you. Talk all you like. Bethany goes to make a move, but Rufus holds her back, shaking his head. He puts a finger to his lips to quiet her and points back toward the action, smiling. Jay fumes. JAY (to Silent Bob) I can't believe you. (to Gang Leader) Do me a favor. (points to Silent Bob) Shoot this piece of shit first. (to Silent Bob; disgusted) No gun! Suddenly, they both snap into a momentary trance. Zombie-like, Jay and Silent Bob step to the turntables behind them. Jay puts on headphones and begins scratching a record. A familiar tune begins. The Gang watches, perplexed. Silent Bob whips around, microphone in his hand, and begins to sing. SILENT BOB HEY, HEY, HEY!!! IT'S FAT ALBERT! AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!! AND BILL'S GONNA TELL YOU A THING OR TWO!! WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN, NOW! WITH BILL AND ALL THE GANG! LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER - WHILE WE DO OUR THANG! The Gang slowly goes from perplexity to enjoyment. The Gang Leader softens and smiles, adding a slight nod of approval. Jay provides back-up. JAY NA , NA, NA! GON NA HAVE A GOOD TIME! SILENT BOB (as Fat Albert) HEY! HEY! HEY! JAY NA. NA. NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME! Bethany and Rufus look on. amazed. RUFUS I thought she looked familiar. BETHANY Who? RUFUS (he nods toward the stage) Serendipity. Bethany looks to the stage. The Dancer is the SERENDIPITY in question. She wipes sweat from her brow. INT. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAY Oh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby, the Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation on Barney: sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits in the middle, a media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls are adorned with framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in a stupid smile. At the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue of the insipid creature. Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. They chatter and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters, taking his place at the head of the conference table. WHITLAND Good morning, shoppers. (slaps a file on table) Has anyone seen the over-night's? An anticipatory hush fills the room. WHITLAND We creamed 'em. A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles. WHITLAND (reading from file) And last night was a rerun, which says to me that with the six months we have to ready and promote the 'Very Nlooby Christmas' pay-per-view special, we can produce history-making numbers. The record is held by that shock-jock's New Year's thing, but I see no reason why our little cash cow can't supercede those numbers and... (stops and sniffs the air) Do I smell onions? Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki is carving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on. Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them. WHITLAND I didn't realize we had guests. Who are these gentlemen with? The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has. WHITLAND (to Bartleby and Loki) Excuse me. Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head. Loki lifts his head without looking up. LOKI (very distracted) Hmm? WHITLAND May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom? LOKI (still preoccupied) My friend just has a few words for you, and then we'll be on our way. Heading to Jersey, you see. Now -by the decor, I assume I'm guessing correctly that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby Productions International? WHITLAND You guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck you are and - again - what the fuck you're doing in our conference room? LOKI (to Bartleby, still not looking up) You may proceed, mon ami'. BARTLEBY I can't believe you. (to Whitland) I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend here has a penchant toward the dramatic, so he's making me do this. Usually, I don't even involve myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in awhile, so he wants... LOKI (frustrated) Just read 'em their rights already. BARTLEBY (sighs; circling the table) Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff -a former kindergarten teacher - in nineteen eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morning schedule on local network K-REL Bought by the Complex Corporation in nineteen ninety one and broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-Time Hour', it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, and spawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, a library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed 'MoobyWorld'. (beat) Did I miss anything? Whitland and company stare for a beat. WHITLAND You forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to this? BARTLEBY (grimly) You and your board are idolators. Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and stands beside Bartleby. LOKI (to Bartleby) How could your forget the magazine? Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up the sculpture. LOKI It's you. (sets sculpture on table) Do you know much about voo-doo? Fascinating practice, very close to Satanism, but not really much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just an arrangements of superstitions, the most well- known of which is the voo-doo doll. (sneezes; waits; continues) A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods, and the desired result is that the individual will feel the effects. WHITLAND (to nearest board member) Call security - now. Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord. LOKI All lines are currently down. BARTLEBY (to Whitland) Again -. I apologize for my friend's... LOKI (frustrated) Would you just get on with it?! BARTLEBY (miffed; to Whitland) You are responsible for raising an icon that draws worship from the Lord. You've broken the first commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. (looks to Loki; Loki nods) Like you - Mister Bernard. (stands behind board member) Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years, eight times - twice with prostitutes. You even had sex with her best friend while she was at her garden club meeting and you were supposed to be watching your kids. LOKI In the bed you and your wife share, no less. The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moves on. BARTLBY And you, Mister Newman. Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania' and pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through the room. BARTLEBY You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party, and then paid a kid from the mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her - guilt free - when she sobbingly confessed the next morning that she cheated on you. She killed herself three months later. You sent flowers to her wake. The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and moves quickly around the table. BARTLEBY (not liking his job) Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her house to purchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker flew to the Phillipines on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy; Mister Bloom okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he knew were unsafe and toxic materials because it was less costly. Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved. BARTLEBY You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life and have never misused your power here. She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on. BARTLEBY But you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I can't even mention them aloud. Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear. Whitland goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland. LOKI You're her father, you sick fuck. Whitland begins sobbing. BARTLEBY (to Loki) Can I go now? LOKI (cheerily rubbing his head) Go on, you crazy kid. Bartlebv exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others. LOKI With the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a decent human being amongst you. Do you know what makes a human being decent? (beat) Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God. Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around. LOKI I forgot my little voo-doo doll. (looks at Whitland) Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough... Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure. Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. He sweats and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out a shriek and smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed. Slowly, he opens his eyes - unharmed. LOKI I don't believe in voo-doo. Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doors burst open and Loki storms back in. LOKI But I do believe in this. Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in a flurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head with her arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair. LOKI (smiling) It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were bad men. You are a pure soul. She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens. LOKI But you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed. He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut. OC BARTLEBY (cautionary) Loki! Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece. LOKI (to woman) Sorry. Force of habit. He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opens her eyes and looks around. INT STRIP JOINT - LATER Jay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the other gangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's. GANG LEADER (to Gang) Watch this shit. (to Jay) Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth. JAY (swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth') Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert. The Gang laughs hysterically. GANGSTER 1 Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit! Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away. RUFUS (elated) I forgot you were down here! How long now? SERENDIPITY Three years this August. What about you - is this another temporary expulsion? You and your 'Christ was down' campaign? BETHANY What does that mean - another expulsion? I thought you came down here specifically to help me? SERENDIPITY Is that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out constantly; at least once a month, ethereal time. They always bring him back, but only after a few days of peace and quiet - free from that black nationalist rhetoric. RUFUS (joking) Artsy-fartsy bitch. SERENDIPITY Who you calling artsy-fartsy? RUFUS (to Bethany) Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes back in Jerusalem. BETHANY Let me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out of the bible because she's a woman. RUFUS The girl's not a woman. (to Serendipity) No offense. BETHANY Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to? SERENDIPITY (tugs on boobs) What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman. RUFUS Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got tits - don't make him a woman. SERENDIPITY Aside from an intuitive knack for accessorizing, what traditionally defines a woman falls between two things : her legs. But as you can see... Serendipity stands and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them slightly, revealing yet another smooth, sexless crotch, quite like Metatron's. SERENDIPITY I lack definition. OC JAY Hey! They're getting a free show! Serendipity pulls her pants back up and sits down, smiling at the OC party. BETHANY (weary) Oh God. Another angel. Like Metatron. SERENDIPITY How do you know Metatron? (to Rufus) How does she know Metatron? RUFUS This is the last Scion. SERENDIPITY (beat) You're kidding. RUFUS Don't you see the resemblance? SERENDIPITY (stares at Bethany) A bit. (suddenly nervous) Oh shit. If she's been tapped, then something's up. BETHANY I'm confused. RUFUS Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel, nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are. SERENDIPITY Amen to that. (swigs her beer and spits it out) BETHANY Then who is she? SERENDIPITY Not who - what. I haven't always been part of the anthropomorphic club. I used to be an abstract. BETHANY Now I'm really lost. RUFUS Serendipity's an idea. SERENDIPITY Try all ideas. BETHANY Meaning? SERENDIPITY I'm a muse, stupid. Bethany stares at her for a beat, then at Rufus. Rufus nods affirmatively. BETHANY I can't take much more of this. (downs her beer) RUFUS (to Serendipity) She's now met a seraphim, a dead man, and a muse. You can appreciate her frame of mind. BETHANY (to Serendipity) So you - what - inspire people? SERENDIPITY What just went down with your friends over there-you don't think they thought of that themselves? I knew Kane's weak spot for Fat Albert and passed it along to the boys. RUFUS If she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines right now. BETHANY You made them sing that song? SERENDIPITY I offered them a solution out of the hole they dug for themselves. Thankfully, they took it. BETHANY Are you kidding? Those two are so dense, they wouldn't get a good idea if it was given to them in a specially marked box. SERENDIPITY Dense people are the most open to suggestion - it's vou so-called intelligent folks that have a hard time accepting a good idea. RUFUS Ain't that the truth. BETHANY Prove it. Give me a good idea. SERENDIPITY If I do, and you accept it, then you'll have confirmation that you are - as you say - dense. BETHANY (beat) Alright. So you're a muse. So what kind of people do you inspire - besides stupid ones? SERENDIPITY I used to specialize in entertainment - literature, theatre, so forth. BETHANY Movies? SERENDIPITY In some cases, I'd do everything but bang starlets on the casting couch. BETHANY What have I seen that you've been involved with? SERENDIPITY Off the top of my head - everything. Well almost everything. For example: I'm responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time. BETHANY Nine? SERENDIPITY The one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? (Bethany nods) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit. RUFUS Which brings us to the next logical question - what are you doing stripping? SERENDIPITY Well you remember why I left, right? RUFUS You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas. SERENDIPITY And sick of watching incapable people take brilliant inspiration and turn out real trash. (to Bethany) So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. I gave my two weeks notice. got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to make my fortune. BETHANY So what happened? SERENDIPITY Writer's block. RUFUS Writer's block? SERENDIPITY Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. 1 can't even write a grocery list. BETHANY What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them. SERENDIPITY That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor. BETHANY Whose? SERENDIPITY God's. BETHANY You're saying God's a woman. SERENDIPITY Was there ever a doubt in your mind? BETHANY The possibility never presented itself. He's always referred to as a Him. SERENDIPITY I didn't write it that way My job stops at the idea stage. The person that holds the pen adds their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. One of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. RUFUS Another one's that you can't jerk off. SERENDIPITY (to Bethany) See. these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees and High Priests felt threatened by the idea of a woman lording over them and controlling their fates. so they made sure that She became a He Doesn't stop with God - the whole book is slanted and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for the first sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from Eden. a woman cuts Sampson's coif of power, a woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again some time - women are painted as bigger antagonists than the fucking Egyptians and Romans combined. BETHANY (stunned) God is a woman... SERENDIPITY I don't know what the big surprise is - women are the only gender that can create life, just like God created the universe. Who else but a mother could have the infinite patience with impudent children that God has with humanity. A woman can give birth to and nurture both sexes, so psychologists theorize that women are the only gender both sexes can feel completely comfortable with; and the faithful - both male and female - feel at ease with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is to implore the aid of the Almighty, just as when you're a child, the only person who can make it all better is... BETHANY ...mom. God, it makes sense. RUFUS (to Serendipity) Shit, you still have a knack for words. SERENDIPITY Not really useful in my new line of work. RUFUS What about that? Why'd you choose stripping? SERENDIPITY In an effort to create something artistic that I could claim as my own. See, I've been able to fool myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it's dancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She won't even give me that much - the way God designed dance, it's the only creative act which results in no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies or most other arts forms. when the dance is over, there's nothing to show for it - nothing to save and enjoy... or sell. (takes a drink) Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse. RUFUS How long are you going to keep this up? SERENDIPITY Believe me, I think about eating crow and going back to the grind from time to time. But I'd hate to give Her the satisfaction of my playing the prodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being flesh anymore - especially this halfway crap. Not only do I have to take care of the aesthetic - the showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I can't take advantage of the benefits - like getting laid or using my period as an excuse not to get laid... (conspiratorily to Bethany) ...the only true boon to having a period, from what I understand. RLFLS Well we could sure use your help. We need someone with good ideas. You remember a couple of angels named Loki and Bartleby? SERENDIPITY Sure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal with a conscience. RUFUS They found a way back. SERENDIPITY (shocked) God no. Not the plenary indulgence loop hole? BETHANY You know about that? SERENDIPITY I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence. RUFUS Bethany's Catholic. SERENDIPITY My condolences. BETHANY What do you have against Catholics? SERENDIPITY Ever been to a Catholic mass? BETHANY Once or twice. SERENDIPITY It's like bad sex - up, down, up, down, kneel, leave. And the whole time you'd rather be watching t.v. You people don't celebrate your faith - you mourn it. BETHANY So if we're so wrong, then what's the right religion? SERENDIPITY When are you people going to learn? It's not about right or wrong - it's a question of faith. It doesn't matter what you believe in - just that you believe. Jay and Silent Bob join them, wearing bandannas. JAY Look! They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang! Suddenly, the doors behind them blast open, pouring light into the onc~im room. A huge figure stands in the doorway, backlit and acting as a sepia filter - the light and vapors surrounding him are brown. FIGURE (deep, gutteral hiss) Not born... shit into existence. Our group stares at the OC brute. Jay sniffs the air. JAY Who farted? SERENDIPITY Sweet Christ, someone wants you bad. BETHANY What do you mean? What's that smell? RUFUS Don't tell me that's who I think it is. SERENDIPITh The stench should say it all. BETHANY Who the hell is it?! SERENDIPITY An excremental - the Golgothan. BETHANY A what? RUFUS A shit-demon. The Golgothan moves slowly from the door, toward the group. NO-MAN No... man. ..of...woman.. born... The Gang join the others. They hold and cover their noses. GANG LEADER (to Jay; loading his piece) Friend of your's? JAY (to group) Is this smelly fuck with us? RUFUS He's coming for Bethany. JAY (to Gang Leader) Smoke that mother fucker like it ain't no thang! GANG LEADER I knew I'd get to wax someone today. Represent! The Gang charges OC, guns blazing, while we hold on the group. Suddenly, the room is filled with screams and wet, slurpy noises. The group goes from staring wide-eyed, to shielding themselves. The noise stops and Jay and Silent Bob look up. The Gang lay about NoMan in trashed, dead positions. They are covered in murky, creamy crap - their wide, white eyes frozen in horror. NoMan scoops a finger-full of muck off the leader and eats it, smiling. Our heroes start backing up slowly, as to not be noticed. JAY (to Silent Bob) I guess we're in charge of the gang now. BETHANY What the fuck happened?!? SERENDIPITY Go for the bar. We might have a few seconds - his short-term memory's for shit. JAY So's the rest of him. RUFUS No chance of taking him down? SERENDIPITY Gee. I don't know. Let's ask the gangstas. RUFUS You're right; let's book. They dash. NoMan snaps to attention and throws it's arm at them, launching a huge glob of shit through the air. JAY (running; seeing it coming) SHIT!!! Everyone leaps behind the bar. The shit flies over them and slams against the mirror above. Immediately, it stretches - Blob-like - over the entire frame, and burns in an acidic fashion. Jay stares, horrified. JAY Now that... is some powerful shit. Serendipity pulls at the floor, yanking open a door. SERENDIPITY Quick! Get in! Bethany, Rufus, jay and Silent Bob leap into the darkness. Serendipity follows, pulling the door shut on top of them. INT BASEMENT Our heroes cower beneath the floor door. JAY What is that thing? SERENDIPITY You ever hear of Golgotha? BETHANY Skull place. The hill where Christ was crucified. SERENDIPITY (peering above) Yeah, well it wasn't just Christ up there - the Romans crucified everybody on that hill. Ahd Christ excluded, they were all criminals - killers, brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the crucified expired, their bodies would naturally lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder in the process. And the result is that walking pile of crap up there: the Golgothan Shit-Demon - Hell's chief assassin. And he's here for you, girlie. Silent Bob stares at a crack in the doors. A milky drop of shit drips through it. BETHANY What are we doing down here, then?. Any second now he'll be blasting through that door! SERENDIPITY Shit's brainless. If we can sit tight for a couple of minutes, he'll forget what he came for. Suddenly another drop falls. Then another. Then a steady stream. Silent Bob taps Rufus and points. Rufus reacts. RUFUS (indicating trickling shit) Looks like it's been taking memory training courses... SERENDIPITY (off trickle) JUMP!!! The five leap from their perch on the steps, just as the doors explode, dumping a torrent of crap on the steps. The body of muck morphs into NoMan anew. NoMan lumbers toward them. The group, attempting to gain their bearings on the floor, crawls backwards. NoMan pulls a piece of himself off, rolling it around in It's hands. SERENDIPITY If anybody still remembers any prayers, I suggest you start whipping them out. Silent Bob stares wide-eyed up at the approaching demon. And then, something occurs to him. He stops backing up and stands. The others continue moving back. BETHANY Bob, get down! Jay! JAY (to Silent Bob) You tubby retard! Get your ass back on the floor! Silent Bob stands like a statue in the Golgothan's path. The demon snarls a smile, moving ever closer. Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls a small canister out. He points it at the beast. A mist shoots out into the face of the Golgothan. It pauses, looking confused. The shitball in It's hand drops to the floor, and then so does It. Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Jay climb to their feet and crowd around Silent Bob. They look to the fallen, unconscious behemoeth, then to Silent Bob. BETHANY (off Bob's canister) What was that? Silent Bob holds the can out to them: it's a small, trial size can of Glade Air Freshener. Jay looks at it, then at Silent Bob. BETHANY (reading can) 'Knocks strong odors out.' RUFUS Way to go. tubby. BETHANY Why would you ever carrs this? Jay farts. Silent Bob sprays the freshener at his ass. The others look at jay. JAY What?! RUFUS (to Serendipity) Who has dominion over this thing? SERENDIPITY Only Lucifer can order a killing. But something doesn't make sense: this thing never travels alone - with it's intelligence level, Lucifer'd never allow it. It usually has some kind of backup. RUFUS Can you get some answers? SERENDIPITY I can give it a shot. BETHANY What's going on? RUFUS Serendipity's going to talk to that demon. JAY Cool! Can we watch? SERENDIPITY Not a good idea. Demon's can wreak havoc on the weak-minded. JAY Fuck you - weak-minded! Me and Silent Bob can talk to him in his own language! See...? (makes the universal metal sign) he'd understand this. SERENDIPITY (shakes her head; to Rufus) Whoever sent this might send mor~. I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible. (to Bethany) I'll do what I can to extract some info from shit-boy here. If there's anything helpful. I'll get it to you somehow. BETHANY (hugs her) Thank you. And... you're a great dancer. SERENDIPITY I'm a better juggler. (to jay and Silent Bob) You know you're supposed to be prophets. right? Start acting like prophets. You should have seen that thing coming. JAY (to Bethany) Why the hell are we getting yelled at?! SERENDIPITY Just watch out for Bethany. Go. Bethany leads Jay and Silent Bob up the stairs. JAY (to Silent Bob) Man, bitch thinks just 'cause she's good-looking, she can tell us what to do. BETHANY She told me that if you behave, she'll give you head. JAY (excited) Yeah?. BETHANY Oh, a demon'd have a field day with you. Serendipity and Rufus watch them disappear up the steps. OC JAY (beat) Shut up. OC BETHANY You shut up. SERENDIPITY (to Rufus) Nice girl. RUFUS Comes from good stock. SERENDIPITY You haven't told her yet? RUFUS Not the right time. SERENDIPITY How uncanny is the resemblance? Those eves, the lips... RUFUS The nails. Serendipity looks at Rufus. He smiles. She hits him, laughing. He cracks up. SERENDIPITY Blasphemer. Then, the OC Golgothan makes a groggy, grumbling noise. SERENDIPITY Shit. You'd better go. I'll take care of the trash. RUFUS (hugs her) Good luck. Rufus runs up the steps. Serendipity tunrs on the Golgothan. SERENDIPITY Alright, Stinky - let's see what you know. EXT CHURCH -DAY A suited MAN stands at a podium, addressing a small thrall of reporters. MAN And now, to speak on behalf of his Holiness' 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I give you the driving force behind the movement - Cardinal Glick. The reporters clap as CARDINAL GLICK takes to the podium. He strikes one as more of an agent than a man of the cloth as he removes his Wayfarers. GLICK Thank you, Mister Flanagan - one of this parish's chief patrons, who donated the stained-glass likeness of Our Lady of Gleeful Misery that welcomes you as you enter the church every Sunday. (off index cards) Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - few would deny that the Catholic Church has fallen behind somewhat in the times. Catholicism usually strikes the average person as an old-fashioned remedy for the ills - both moral and psychological - of a society that has since left it's stringent rules and ornate rituals on the heap with 45's and eight track cassettes. And in an effort to disprove that, the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal, both of faith and of style. So, it is with great pleasure, that I present you and your parish - mere days away from it's centennial celebration - and the continental United States, via Satellite with the first of man revamps that the 'Catholicism -Wow!' campaign will unveil over the next year. (applause) Now, what does this mean for the average church-goer? Are we going to throw out the rule book and adopt a hippie mentality in regards to our faith? No. We're simply talking about a few minor alterations to both the aesthetic and theoretical aspects of a religion that boasts one of the highest membership numbers on the planet. A few applause ring out. Glick smiles. GLICK Thank you, thank you. So what are we talking about here. Well, for example... (pulls out crucifix) while it has been a time-honored and traditional symboL of our faith, we have decided to retire the highly recognizable, yet wholely depressing symbol of our Lord, Jesus Christ, crucified. Why? Well, look at it. Would you relish being a member of a group that uses a man nailed to two pieces of wood as it's masthead? Of course not - who would? I've got enough downers in my daily routine without having to deal with this visual everytime I go to worship. lnstead, the church is going to adopt this new, more soothing and inspiring sigil, which we feel is in-line with our new outlook. Glick pulls a cover off an object to his right - a two foot figure of Christ smiling and giving the 'thumbs up'. The crowd buzzes. GLICK See? Isn't this better? How could you not feel just great walking into a church and seeing this behind the priest - a positive reinforcement that whatever we do, God thinks is 'a~kay'. I love this thing, it's so... REPORTER I (interupting) Cardinal Glick - has the church given any thought to it's position on john Doe Jersey? Will he be given the right to die with dignity? Another buzz rises from the crowd. Glick rolls his eyes. GLICK C'mon people. We're not here to talk about that. It's an issue we stand firm on - euthanasia is a big no-no, just like abortion. Murder's murder. Why won't you people accept that? Besides, we're here to talk about this little guy - your friend and mine... the happy Jesus. Can't you just see it on chains around people's necks, and as the new background in avant garde, MTV videos? INT BUS TERNIINAL - DAY The image of the 'Happy jesus' - thumbs up and all - is captured on a t.v. monitor, a label reading U\'E VIA SATELLITE - RED BANK. NEW JERSEY' at the bottom of the screen. Bartleby and Loki look up at it, then at one another. LOKI And you say Siskel and Ebert have no influence over this culture. BARTLEBY We're getting out of here at just the right time. These people are nuts. LOKI (off t.v.) And that's the church we're heading to? BARTLEBY (steps to ticket window) If you want to go home... (to WOMAN in window) Two tickets to New Jersey, please. WOMAN Jersey's sold out, sir. BARTLEBY Are you sure? WOMAN The computer says. LOKI Come on - how many people can possibly be going to New Jersey? WOMAN Enough to fill a bus. BARTLEBY (to Loki) You had to drag that judgement out. You couldn't just hit and run. (to Woman) When's the next one? WOMAN Same time tomorrow. BARTLEBY What?! Doesn't this place warrant at least two buses a day? WOMAN I take it you've never been to the Garden State. Next. Bartleby and Loki look around. LOKI There's no one else here. WOMAN Then I guess it's lunch time. (she shuts her window) LOKI We should have learned to drive a long time ago. Infinite celestial power and we can't catch a bus. BARTLEBY Just shut up, this is your fault. LOKI You can either lament over our mass transit folly, or you can listen to my suggestion. BARTLEBY It's your suggestions that prevent us from negotiating what should be a simple matter of catching or staying on a bus! LOKI Why fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above? BARTLEBY (stares at him) Fly? LOKI We got wings, right? Let's use them. OC VOICE I wouldn't suggest that. The pair spin and gawk. AZRAEL leans in the doorway. He removes his hat, revealing two stubby horns. AZRAEL You wouldn't want to stand out, now would you? INT STRIP JOINT BASEMENT - DUSK NoMan is tied to a chair in the middle of the floor. Serendipity draws a circle around him with lipstick. Once finished. she takes a glass of water and throws it into No Man's face. It roars to life. The Golgothan shakes of his daze, turning his attention on Serendipity. NoMAN The Muse. They told us you were up here. SERENDIPITY Matter of perspective. NoMan. I like to think of it as 'down here'. I have a few questions for you, sir. NoMan Free us from these binds, that you may have answers. SERENDIPITY (heads toward it) Okay. (stops; sarcastic) Oh wait. I'm smarter than that. NoMan lets out a bellow. SERENDIPITY Face it, big guy - I'm not releasing you until I get answers. This can go hard or easy. The sooner I get what I want, the sooner you'll be free. Now, you can start by telling me why you're on this plane? NoMAN (beat) Liquidate the Last Scion. SERENDIPITY See? That wasn't so hard. Now - who sent you? Was it Lucifer? NoMan laughs in a sinister fashion. NoMAN Our master is no one and all. For a time, he will be prince of this world - and the fate of those who dwell in it will be at the mercy of his whimsy. And then he will sever reality and crush existence, like a thumb punctures a fontanell, giving peace to those who've been without for so long. SERENDIPITY Did Bartleby and Loki send you? NoMAN Resist no further, Muse. Deliver over to us the conflicted one, that this world may die screaming. No power - divine or inherited - threatens the crusade. You cannot win. Soon will rise of the cry of the abandonned, begging your God to put an end to the madness. And only as being becomes not, will they know that the God of Abraham lay dormant while the dream perished in a blink. Your God is not dead - He's brain dead. SERENDIPITY She, you chauvinist bastard - She's brain dead. And no She's not. Stop trying to be so spooky. Tell me who sent vou, or I'll use whatever influence I have below' to make Hell even worse for you. NoMAN You speak of Azrael. (he laughs) We pity you. Muse. You're still playing the old game. The one that could have made good on your threat is gone. SERENDIPITY What do you mean. gone? He escaped? NoMAN No soul escapes Hell, but one. (beat - as if It's heard something) Would that I could cross the threshold of your confining circle, I would crush your half-life throat. But my Master does not abandon me to this mockery of a prison. We will come back for the girl. And when we do, it will take more than fragrant mist to keep our hands from crushing her head. NoMan goes stiff and then limp. His body begins to melt. INT TOY STORE - DAY Azrael leads Bartleby and Loki through the aisles, passing tons of stuffed animals. BARTLEBY Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell? AZRAEL I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. I don't have much time. If they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me. BARTLEIBY You lied? LOKI Go figure. Him. A demon. (to Azrael) Why'd you bring us in here? AZRAEL Because you two fucks are inches away from getting yourselves caught. Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings... don't you have any idea what's going on? LOKI We're going back home. AZRAEL Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven? BARTLEBY Why not? We're going back clean. AZ RAEL Let me let you in on a little secret, okay: everyone is looking for you. Both sides - above and below. The orders are to terminate you on sight. BARTLEBY (shocked) Why? AZRAEL You're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might just succeed where he's failed so many times, making him look bad. BARTLEBY So they're going to kill us?!? AZRAEL They're going to try'. That's why you have to travel incognito - tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. Go about this thing more subtly. Quit killing people - that's high profile. And for God's sake, don't uncase your wings until you have to transubstantiate. Because the minute you let them flap, legions of thrones and hordes of demons will fight each other over who gets to kill you first. (looksOC) Shhhh! A WOMAN and her small DAUGHTER walk past. While the Woman looks at the items on the top shelf, Loki pulls off Azrael's hat and taps the Daughter on the shoulder. He points to Azrael's horns. The Woman pulls the Daughter further down the aisle, oblivious to the trio. DAUGHTER Mommy, that man had horns. Azrael grabs his hat and puts it back on. AZRAEL That's the kind of shit I'm talking about! LOKI Oh, lighten up. BARTLEBY (still reeling) I can't believe they want to kill us. AZRAEL Believe it, boys. They've even got the Last Scion looking for you. LOKI You're kidding! AZRAEL This is big. I'm telling you. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides, and they'll stop at nothing to prevent it. LOKI If that's the case, then why aren't you hunting for us too? AZRAEL Because I want to see you go back. You were both given a raw deal; almost as raw as mine. If you make it back, then I figure there's hope for me. (looks around) In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you. BARTLEBY Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend. AZRAEL Would you expect anything less from a demon. I have to get back to the Pit, before they get suspicious. (turns to leave) LOKI Hey Az - what's it like down there. Is it as bad as they say? AZRAEL Give you a hint: they've been playing 'Mrs. Doubtfire' continuously for two years now. (exits) LOKI (looks at Bartleby) Shit man - that is punishment. EXT CONTRYSIDE - NIGHT The Train chugs through the darkness. INT TRAIN - NIGHT Bethany and Rufus sit across from one another. They stare out the window. RUFUS How you coping, kid? BETHANY It's weird. just when I think I've got a handle on things. something wholely unbelievable presents itself. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed home. RUFUS You sound like the Man. BETHANY (beat) What was He like? RUFUS Jesus? Black. BETHANY Besides that. RUFUS The brother was centered. I mean, He was God, right? But I think He felt left out because He was more than human, you know? We used to sit around the fire - me and the other guys - and we'd be talking about what ass-holes the Romans were or getting laid... BETHANY Some things never change. RUFUS ...and He'd just sit there listening and smiling. We'd ask Him why He never joined in the convo, but He said He just liked to hear us talk; about anything. Said it was like music. I think He just wished He had unimportant shit to talk about himself. BETHANY How does He feel now? RUFUS He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, but especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it. BETHANY Having beliefs isn't good? RUFUS I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant. That was one thing the Man hated - still life. He wanted everyone to be as enthralled with living as He was. Maybe it had something to do with knowing when He was going to die. but Christ had this vitality that I've never encountered in another person since. You know what I'm saving? BETHANY He was big on life? RUFUS It was more than that. He was the only person I ever knew who never engaged in that most ancient of life-affirming activities. BETHANY Sex. RUFUS Debate. That's the only way people know how to reaffirm that they're alive - by debating. In all it's forms. People spend their whole lives debating: we fight about who's right and who's wrong, we fight ourselves, we fight each other, we fight death, we fight over beliefs, we fight over fights. We believe that to stop debating - in any fashion -is to stop living and give up. People say that life's a struggle, but it's not. Life is living. I'm even guilty of it myself, the way I go on about Christ's ethnicity, fighting for the truth to come out. And I'm dead. Even in death, the only way I know how to live is through debate. That's sad, isn't it? BETIIANY Not if you believe it's important for people to know. RUFUS A belief's a dangerous thing, Bethany. People die for it. People kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic Belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. And whether they know it or not, Bartleby and Loki are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me. all of this... ends in a heartbeat. (beat) All over a belief. Bethany nods. Rufus looks around. RUFUS I haven't seen the moron twins in awhile. BETHANY They went to the lounge car to smoke. (getting up) I'll go find them; make sure they're not getting into any trouble. RUFUS I'm going to catch a few z's. Forgot how tiring living can be. Bethanv heads off Rufus looks out the window, then shuts his eyes. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bethany enters and spots jay and Silent Bob, talking to an unseen party. BETHANY You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you? JAY Nope. Just about to smoke a bowl with our new friends. You in? BETHANY And who are your new friends? JAY They just got in at the last stop. Silent Bob moves over, revealing the new friends. JAY This is Larry and Barry. Bartleby and Loki smile at Bethany. LOKI Jay tells us you're going to sleep with him. EXT TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT The train rushes over head. INT LOUNGE CAR - LATER Loki, Jay, and Silent Bob pass a joint under the table and take quick hits, trying to remain casual. Jay pounds the table happily. Bartleby and Bethany lay on either side of the table in their booth. BETHANY You can smoke up with them if you want. You don't have to keep me company. BARTLEBY It's a long trip. There'll be plenty of time later. (beat) So why are you heading to Jersey? BETRANY There's just this thing there I'm supposed to do. How about you? BARTLEBY We're going home. BETHANY Do you two live together? BARTLEBY Unfortunately. Do you live with those guys? B ETHANY God, no. Not they just sort of adopted me. BARTLEBY They're funny as hell. The big one never says a word. BETHANY I wish the little one would take a cue from him. But they're okay, as far as stoner's go. BARTLEBY Lo... Larry's taken an immediate shine to them, and he usually hates people. BETIIANY How long've you two been together? BARTLEBY Awhile. He's great company. He can be a little flaky sometimes, but we've got a lot in common. BETHANY How'd you meet? BARTLEBY We were stationed together. BETHANY See? That's beautiful. And everyone's always up-in-arms about this 'out-in-the-military' issue. BARTLEBY What do you mean? BETHANY Well there's all that macho bullshit about it being 'This Man's Army'. And you two meet and hook up while in the service, which is so special - because it's so hard to meet anyone you can seriously relate to... BARTLEBY (catches on) You think we're lovers?! Oh no. No, we're not gay. BETHANY (laughs) Oh God, I'm sorry'. I just assumed... BARTLEBY No. We live together and all, but at the end of the night, I go to my room. and he goes to his. (beat) Why? Do I come off as gay? BETHANY (laughing) No, not at all. I'm sorry. My ex-husband kind of fouled up my relationship awareness barometer. BARTLEBY You're divorced? BETHANY That's the nice way of putting it. I consider it being dumped. BARTLEBY I was dumped once. More or less. BETHANY It's terrible, isn't it? Don't you constantly question your value - like why was I so easy to cast aside? Didn't I have merit? BARTLEBY And you wonder if the other party's going to come to their senses and call you back. BETIIANY The worst is that I still think like a couple. After all these years, I still have the 'we' mentality. BARTLEBY Mine grew out of what was really a stupid misunderstanding. A misunderstanding that grew into a total withdrawl of communication. Abandonment. And even though it was years ago, there's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder what went wrong. And then it hits me - I was replaced by someone. A lot of someones. BET HANY And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time... BARTLEBY ...when actually, it hurts more. BETHANY (beat) You know what we need? We need some drinks. A lot of drinks. Do you agree? BARTLEBY Whole-heartedly. INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus continues to slumber. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Jay is asleep on Silent Bob's shoulder, drooling slightly. Loki talks with Silent Bob. LOKI I'm telling you, man - it's all about organized religion and society's battle against it. The Rebels are fighting the Empire, right? Now the Empire is led by whom? Darth Vader? No. It's led by the Emperor. And the Emperor is a practitioner of the Force, albeit the Dark Side of the Force. And the Force is basically a religion. (Silent Bob nods) So the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule, and the Imperial government is run by this old religion. What you have, then, is a theocratic government - a government run by the church. So Luke, Han, and Leia are fighting that government to liberate the galaxy from the pious grip of what is, in essence, holy mother church. Silent Bob nods in understanding. Bethany and Bartleby slump in their booth, the table loaded with empty glasses. Bethany is quite tipsy. Bartleby sips his drinks, and surreptitiously spits it out. BARTLEBY You're saying you still go to church? BETHANY (laughs) Every Sunday. BARTLEBY Does it do anything for you? BETHANY (thinks) Gives me time to balance my check book every week. BARTLEBY See? That's what I'm talking about. People don't go to church and feel spiritual. They go to church and feel bored. But they keep going. Every week. Out of habit. BETHANY Or in habit, if you're a nun. BARTLEBY Oh... that wasn't very funny at all. BETHANY A friend of mine told me that church is like bad sex:it's messy and there's no foreplay... (starts laughing) No. that's not it. I am so buzzed. BARTLEBY When do you think you lost your faith? BETHANY I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. And she said something like "There's always a plan." And I... just got so angry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan. But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family - wasn't that plan good enough for God? (beat) Apparently not. (swigs her drink) How about you? When did you lose your faith? BARTLEBY Me? Years ago. One day, God just stopped listening. I kept talking, but I got the distinct impression that He wasn't listening anymore. BETHANY She. And how do you know She was listening in the first place? BARTLEBY (thinks) I guess I don't. BETHANY I hate thoughts like that. But they occur to you with age. When you're a kid, you never question the whole faith thing - God's in Heaven, and He's... She's always got her eye on you. I'd give anything to feel that way again. Which is why I guess I let myself get talked into this pilgrimage. I needed proof. And the opportunity presented itself to find out if it is like they told us in Catholic school. And I gotta tell you - the last few days, I've come across some interesting people that lend toward convincing me. BARTLEBY Where's this pilgrimage to? INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus stirs. He looks around and stretches. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bethany and Bartleby continue their discussion. BETHANY You'd never believe me if I told you. BARTLEBY Try me. BETHANY Alright. But I warned you. Okay - I'm going to this church in New Jersey. BARTLEBY Really... INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus heads toward the back of the car. He opens the door between the cars and exits. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bethany and Bartleby talk further. Bartleby's intrigued. BETHANY I was told that I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering the church. They're trying... (laughing) This sounds so stupid... They're trying to get back into Heaven. INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus passes through another car and opens the door at the end. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bartleby grows very tense. Bethany rattles on, half-toasted. BETHANY See, they got tossed out of Heaven years ago, right? And if they get back in, it proves God wrong. And since God is infallible, to prove Her wrong would... (laughing hard) ..would unmake existence! I feel so stupid just saying it. Bartleby's eyes are wide. He looks scared. Then, a calm falls over him. BETRANY (laughing) But the thing I don't get... is how do I stop an angel? Two, even! I guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something. Bartleby surreptitiously slides a knife off the table. BARTLEBY Maybe you're supposed to kill them? Bethany breaks into hysterics. INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus pulls open another door and exits. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bethany's still cracking up, oblivious to the on-the-defensive Bartleby. BETHANY Oh yeah! Kill them! Even if that was the case... I mean. how do you kill an angel? BARTLEBY I don't imagine it's much different... (slowly lifts the knife) ...from killing a human... The door behind them slides open. Rufus steps in. RUFUS Where the hell is everybody? I wake up, and... He sees Bartleby. They both freeze. BARTLEBY The Apostle! RUFUS Holy shit! BETHANY (stumbling to her feet) Rufus, I want you to meet my friend, Barry... Bartleby leaps out of the booth and grabs Bethany, holding the knife to her throat. BETHANY (chuckiing) Barry! Don't be such a show off! RUFUS Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go and let's talk about this. BARTLEBY After all this time, this is what it comes down to -slaughtered by this meat puppet?! RUFUS There doesn't have to be a slaughter. We can work this out... BETHANY Is that a knife? BARTLEBY Oh. we can work it out, alright. I'm going to work the blade in and out of her thorax! (calling over shoulder) Loki! Loki catches the action and reacts. LOKI Holy shit - the Apostle! He leaps from the table. Jay stirs and wakes up. jAY (half asleep) I didn't come in you, I swear... (looks around) Bartleby, with Bethany in hand, faces off against Rufus. Loki joins them. LOKI (to Rufus) What are you doing here? BARTLEBY They're here to thwart our journey home, my friend. This one just told me that she's supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering a church. LOKI You think she was talking about us? BARTLEBY I'd say there was a pretty good chance. What do you say, Rufus - we're to be liquidated? RUFUS It doesn't have to go down like that! You haven't thought about the consequences of re-entry! LOKI Consequences, schmonsequences. BARTLEBY I have to agree with him. No one - not you, and especially not this finite-lifer - no one is going to impede us. We're going home, regardless of whose pride it may hurt! RUFUS It's not a question of pride, it's... BARTLEBY Loki - kill the girl LOKI (beat) What are you, high? BARTLEBY Do it! LOKI I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that. And it looks like she's 'on the job', so to speak... BARTLEBY Fine! I'll kill her myself... A hand lands on Bartleby's shoulder. JAY (oblivious to the situation) Hey man - now it's your turn. We got enough for a fatty boom-batty, biggety blunt! Bartleby turns the knife on him. JAY (not quite getting it yet) We having cake or something? Loki backhands Jay, stunning him. JAY (dazed) In grates... Jay drops to the floor, out cold. Silent Bob grabs Loki and hurls him down the aisle. Rufus grabs Bartleby's knife hand. They struggle. Bethany collapses. RUFUS TUBBY! THE DOOR! Silent Bob jumps over Loki and opens the back door of the car. He grabs Loki by the collar. LOKI Wait, man! Can't we talk about this?! He throws Loki out the door, off the train. Rufus squeezes Bartleby's hand. Bartleby drops the knife and punches Rufus in the face. Bethany jumps on Bartleby's back, covering his eyes. They careen down the aisle, toward Silent Bob. He pulls Bethany off Bartleby's back and kicks him out the back door, off the train. He quickly slams the door closed and leans against it. The Bartender stares at him. Silent Bob brushes off his coat and thumbs toward the door. SILENT BOB No ticket. Rufus rubs his jaw. Bethany crawls up beside him, breathing heavily. BETH ANY I should have known something was wrong when he paid for all the drinks. INT UNDERGROUND GARAGE - NIGHT A door is kicked open. Loki enters, brushing himself off. Bartleby follows. LOKI The Apostle is here! BARTLEBY I noticed. LOKI If that's the case, then chick with him must be... BARTLEBY The Scion, I'd imagine. (leans against the wall; slides down) LOKI (in a panic) Well, shit man! Maybe we should rethink this whole thing! I mean, you heard the guy - he said there were consequences. Azrael tells us we're marked. Maybe there's more to this than we thought about. Bartleby leans against the wall, sitting on the ground. His demeanor has changed. He stares into space. BARTLEBY There sure is. (beat) It's them. LOKI (beat) What? BARTLEBY (shakes his head) Them. LOKI (thinks) The movie about the giant ants? BARTLEBY Them - the humans. It's what it all comes down to. you know? Us against humanity... kind of like that giant ant movie. LOKI (beat) Are you alright? BARTLEBY I'm better than alright. I've had an epiphany, my friend. LOKI An... epiphany. Yes, well... that'll happen. BARTLEBY When that sweet, innocent girl let her mission slip, I suddenly understood it all - everything. For the first time in all these eons, I get it. LOKI (beat) Get what? BARTLEBY In the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God. And then He created the humans. And He gave them more than He ever gave us. Our's was designed to be a life of servitude and worship - adoration. But He gave the humans more - He gave them a choice. They can choose to ignore God, choose to acknowledge Him. All this time we've been down here, everyday I felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it pained me... as I'm sure it must have pained you sometimes, even though you'd gloss over it with jokes. But we feel his absence, and why? Because of the way He made us -as servants. Had we been given free will, we could ignore the pain... like them. LOKI You know - maybe you should take a nap or something. BARTLEBY Loki, don't you get it? It's the humans - it's always the humans. They were given paradise; they threw it away. They were given this planet; they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors; and some of them don't even believe He exists. Their ego-mania corroded Hell and made it dark and crimson. (looks at Loki) I asked you to lay down your sword years ago - why? Because I felt sorry for them. And where did it get us? Thrown out. (smiles) We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers. LOKI Wait, wait, wait - kill them?! You're talking about the Last Scion, for Christ's sake! And what about Jay and Bob - I mean, those guys were alright. BARTLEBY Don't, my friend. Don't let your sympathies get the best of you, as they did me way back when. Scion or not, she's just a human. And regardless, our sins are forgiven by passing through that arch. No harm, no foul. LOKI That sounds thin. BARTLEBY Fine. We'll cover ourselves. We'll take out a slew of people. Maybe amidst the body count, He won't notice. LOKI Oh, that's being realistic. Bartleby reaches out and grabs Loki, slamming him against the wall. BARTLEBY I'm going home, Loki. And nobody - not even the Almighty Himself - is going to make that otherwise. Bartleby releases Loki and smiles. He exits. Loki watches him. LOKI Shit. He follows. EXT CAMP FIRE - NIGHT Another Newspaper headline regarding 'John Doe Jersey' fills the frame. It is lowered to reveal Jay, Bethany, and Rufus sitting around a makeshift fire in the middle of nowhere. Jay rolls a joint. Silent Bob reads the paper. BETHANY I don't understand why we couldn't stay on the train. You threw those guys off. RUFUS A very basic strategy - if your enemies know where you are, then don't be there. BETHANY And what's with that? Why are we enemies? The guy almost gutted me, for God's sake! JAY He had the knife at your throat. To gut you, he'd have to have the knife at your stomach. BETHANY Semantics! Semantics that don't even answer mv question. RUFUS Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as my enemy. BETHANY What do you mean, kill? I wasn't asked to kill them -just stop them from going into that church. RUFUS And how were you going to do that? Preoccupy them with a game of Bingo? BETHANY I've never killed anything before in my life! JAY I'll do it. RUFUS Shut the fuck up, little man - you couldn't kill a pint of ice cream, let alone an angel. JAY Fuck you - I can kill an angel as good as the next guy. RUFUS Oh yeah? How' would you do it? JAY I'd give him a Van Damme neck-break, like in 'Hard Target'. D'jou see that flick? RUFUS (ignoring jay; to Bethany) Killing an angel's a two-step process - first you have to cut off their wings. which then makes them human. From that point on, it's the same as killing anything else - head or heart, take your pick. BETHANY You say it as if it's easy. RUFUS (oblivious to Jay) Problem is, I don't think we could pull it off even if we wanted to. All this time away from the Divine Presence should have made those two weaker - and those guys felt far from weak. Either that or someone's protecting them - someone with juice. BETHANY So then we're screwed? (shrugs) Shit, that's the best news l've heard in days. RUFUS This doesn't excuse you from tryng to stop them. BETHANY Count me out. You're telling me they're unstopable, I'm exhausted - both psychologically and physically, the odds are against us. I say we kick back and wait for the end -a little non~xistence might be just what the doctor ordered. JAY I'm with her. I don't care about dying, so long as we're all going to die. RUFUS What are you babbling about now? JAY If I was the only one, that'd bother me because every-one else would go on living, having a good time without me. But if we all go at once, that'd be okay, because I know I'm not missing anything. BETHANY See? You know it's right when even he's making sense. JAY Besides, she said if we were in a situation where we were going to die in like five minutes, she'd have sex with me and Silent Bob. RUFUS So you're suggesting she throw in the towel and let eons of work and history get blinked out of existence just so you can get laid? JAY (thinks) No. Just so me and Silent Bob could get laid. BETHANY Now that we're all but in total agreement on this, I'd just like to finally know - why me? JAY Because you've got nice tits. BETHANY I wasn't talking to you! (to Rufus) Why me? Why do I have to do this? Nobody's come clean on that. Out of everyone on the whole god-damned planet. How come I got tapped? Rufus looks at her. He shrugs. RUFUS Family ties. JAY That show's funny as hell. RUFUS Shut up. (to Bethany) Do you know what the Apocryphal books are? Bethany shakes her head no. RUFUS Most of that information in the Bible came from the Dead Sea Scrolls - ancient text discovered in a cave ages ago. And when the Sanskrit was translated, they discovered data that conflicted with the lore church officials had already established as the basis of their religion. They couldn't refute centuries of dogma, so they thought it best to leave certain passages out - sometimes whole books. Those books make up the Apocrypha. BETHANY What's this have to do with me? RUFUS You've never gotten the complete picture. If they had compiled the material together like they were supposed to, you'd get the whole story. But by leaving text out, the church has presented you people with an extremely sterile and unmoving account of religious history. The Creation. the entire Old Testament, the history of Christ... (let's her take it in) Forget about my whole black angle for a minute... JAY We might if you'd quit bringing it up. Rufus backhands Jay. Silent Bob holds jay back. Rufus continues, oblivous to Jay. RUFUS He goes from twelve years old to thirty. Whole volumes of text about the eighteen year struggle with His Divine nature prior to His acceptance of it were thown out, forever lost to the faithful. BETHANY I don't buy it. Integral material like that would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave it out? RUFUS Because it was all closely tied in with His family. BETHANY His mother and father? RUFUS His brothers and sisters. BETHANY (beat) Wait, wait, wait - Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin - that's why it's called the Immaculate Conception. RUFUS Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch - that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Birth - those are leaps of faith. But believing a wife never humped her husband - that's just gullibility. BETHANY (sudden realization) MARY AND JOSEPH HAD SEX?!? RUFUS All the time, from what I understand. Jesus used to tell me stories about hearing them through the walls when He was a kid. (beat) So you ask why you got tapped. I'll tell you why: a Christ was the salvation of this world once before. And you're the closest thing to a Christ that still walks. BETHANY Meaning? RUFUS The blood that flows in your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the man you call Jesus. (hand on her shoulder) You're His great-grand-niece. Bethany's jaw drops. A high-pitched squeak of a word escapes her lips. JAY (takes a hit from his joint) So... that would make Bethany part black. (to Silent Bob) Man, this is just like when Vader told Luke he was his father. RUFUS I just wish I knew what the hell we're supposed to do now? OC VOICE You must go to the Dagobah system and find Yoda - the Jedi Master who instructed me. Everyone turns around. Metatron leans against a tree. METATRON God. l've always wanted to say that. RUFUS The voice. NIETATRON (mimicking his shock) The Apostle! (sits down with them) BETHANY Now you show up! Where were you when that psychotic bastard had a knife to my throat? METATRON I told you you'd be in capable hands - you're not dead are you? RUFUS What are you doing here anyw'ay? METATRON I felt left out. Everyone's sitting around coming clean, I thought I'd join in with a confession of mine own. JAY Now who's this mother fucker? RUFUS This is the Voice of God - show some respect. JAY The Voice of God? Where's the rest of Him? METATRON Funny you should mention that - we're not sure. BETHANY Excuse me? METATRON Didn't it ever occur to you that this Bartleby/Loki situation was well within the realm of His control? RUFUS If that's the case, then why was Bethany tapped? METATRON You know those constitutionals He likes to take? BETHANY Constitutionals? RUFUS I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. (to Bethany) God's a skee-ball fanatic. METATRON Let's not altogether blow some of the mystery that surrounds Him, alright? (to Bethany) Yes - the Lord has quite a fancy for the game; been playing it for years - He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anyone where He's playing; just goes away for a couple of hours. It's quite understandable - a small exercise in hand/eye coordination has been proven as a highly effective means of therapeutic relaxation. And from what I understand, He always gives his free points away to neighborhood children. Isn't that sweet? BETHANY But She hasn't come back from one of those day-trips, is what you're getting at? METATRON (to Rufus) 'She'? I take it she's met the Muse. (to Bethany) No, 'She' hasn't. And we've been unable to locate Her. RUFUS Maybe He was killed? Human form has that drawback. M ETAT RON No - there's a different sort of foul-play afoot, children. Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path and is keeping them quite well-hidden. is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts. Were He to be killed in human form, He'd have immediately returned to Paradise. Somebody knew enough to keep the body alive, but incapacitate Him in another fashion - He's trapped in a body. RUFUS So God's not dead... JAY He's brain dead. METATRON So it would seem. And as omnipotent as we are above, I have to admit that we're more or less lost without His presence. We've had our people looking everywhere for Him. And I tapped her, because I thought we might be able to smoke out whoever's behind this. But whoever it is has been clever enough to send some lackeys after you, as opposed to showing up themselves. RUFUS Can it be Lucifer? METATRON Thankfully they seem oblivious to the situation in the nether-regions. I know they're not responsible - at least not Lucifer. If he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven. And I know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki because he'd have just as much to lose by their return as everyone else. RUFUS Then what about the Golgothan and the Triplets? METATRON Don't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to Hell. Anybody can summon one. JAY (excited) Yeah? Silent Bob hands Jay his newspaper and points. Jay reads. BETHANY Don't encourage them. And why did you lie to me? You said I was tapped as a test? METATRON No, you said that - I just didn't correct you. You were shocked enough - how do you think you would've taken it if I told you the face of God belonged on the back of a milk carton? RUFUS So what do we do now? M ETAT RON I say we get drunk, kids - because I'm all out of ideas. JAY (off paper) Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church? METATRON I beg your pardon? JAY Here. (hands group the paper) BETHANY (reading) 'Glick Takes Heat for Campaign'? JAY It's the guy in charge of the church thing. BETHANY (reading) 'Cardinal Glick has come under fire for the blatant pandering and questionable direction of his church-sanctioned 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign. When asked about his motivations for decommisioning the traditional baptismal fonts in favor of the proposed Olympic sized lap-pools beneath parish floors, Click responded "Come on - who doesn't like a pool party?" JAY Maybe you could tell him to shut down the church. If it's closed on that day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever - right? METATRON Good Lord - he's got a point. BETHANY I think Silent Bob had a point. But sure - we can go to him and explain the situation somehow. RUFUS 'We'? You're back in? BETHANY Well, mine is a heritage Divine... and I wouldn't want to let down the family. (smiles) METATRON (off Silent Bob) Well, well, well - the prophets finally live up to their titles. Silent Bob shrugs. Jay is trying to look down Serendipity's shirt. She back-hands him. TELEVISION SCREEN - COMMERCIAL Two cartoon ALTAR BOYS sift through their bowls of cereal. ALTAR 1 The same boring cereal again? A cheesy CARTOON CHRIST floats down from above. CHRIST Man cannot live on boring cereal alone! ALTAR I & 2 IT'S JESUS! Jesus pulls a box of HOSTIES cereal from his sash. CHRIST Why not try Hosties! CL on cereal pouring into a bowl. It's shaped like Eucharistic hosts. Milk follows. CHRIST VO New Hosties is fortified with vitamins and minerals, topped off with an angelic kiss of frosting that stays crispy in milk! Christ's hands on their shoulders, the Altar Boys down their cereal happily. CHRIST Hosties is an important part of any nutritious breakfast, and each one is blessed by a high ranking Vatican Monsignor - good for the body, and good for the soul. But make sure you've confessed beforehand... Altar 2 clutches at his throat, gasping. ALTAR 2 I... I touched... m..myself! I'm...s...sorry... CHRIST (smiling benignly) You're forgiven. Altar 2 stops choking and continues eating, happily. CHRIST So try a bowl of Hosties! And don't just take my word for it... A cartoon POPE pops out of the box, eating a spoonful of cereal. POPE They're Heavenly! INT CLICK'S OFFICE - DLSK A hand switches off the t.v. Pan up to Cardinal Click, all smiles. GLICK Well...? Doesn't it pop? Bethany. Rufus, lay and Silent Bob are at a total loss for words. JAY (After a long beat) Does it come in chocolate flavor? The Cardinal picks up a golf putter and begins putting into an overturned glass. GLICK You see? Now this one's got vision! (to Jay) We're rolling out the flavors in September. Big cereal month with the kids, back to school and all. BETHANY It's a bit... startling. GLICK Exactly! And that's what we're looking to do - shake these people up a bit, get them motivated. That's the whole point of the campaign. Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country. And it's not like we're losing them to the Protestants or Baptists - people aren't practicing at any denomination these days. If we can sell them some show - let 'em know the Catholic church has some panache, we can win them back -even get some new ones. Fill them pews, people - that's the key. And cross-promoting - like with the cereal tie-in grabs the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. (sits at his desk, lights smoke) RUFUS Kind of like the tobacco industry? GLICK Oh - if only we had their numbers. But we are aiming for the same demographic, even though mine is the soulsaving biz. And if I have to play a bit of the devil to bring them closer to the Lord, then I'll wear the cloven hooves and carry the pitch fork. Jay and Silent Bob adjourn themselves from the group and approach a hat rack, where the Cardinal's CASSOCK and MITER hang. Jay nudges Silent Bob. OC BFTHANY We really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day, your Emminence. My friends and I have been traveling all night in hopes of getting a chance to talk to you about the Saint Michael's Re-Dedication ceremony. The Cardinal blows smoke rings. GLICK You'd like to help out in some way? BETHANY We'd like you to cancel the ceremony and the re dedication. GLICK (pauses mid-ash-tap) I beg your pardon? Silent Bob stands alone by the coat rack. Jay leaps into the frame, cassock tied around his shoulder like a cape. He strikes a Superman pose. OC BETHANY There's going to be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned. The Cardinal leans back in his chair. CLICK What is this - a threat? Are you planning some sort of demonstation? (pause) Are you pro-choicers? BETHANY No, the trouble's not from us. It's from these renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues... Rufus side-kicks Bethany, nonchalantly. BETHANY Uh... these guys who think they're renegade angels. RUFL'S See padre, it goes down like this - the boys believe that by passing through the archway they can get to Heaven. Granted, it's far-fetched, but the brothers are convinced it's the truth. Silent Bob watches as the Miter appears slowly from behind the partition, resembling a shark fin. It 'swims' to and fro, menacingly. Silent Bob shakes his head. OC GLICK And you want me to call off the ceremony... for that? Bethany leans forward in her seat. BETHANY Well. they're very passionate about it. Dangerously so. They could turn violent if they walk through that arch and nothing happens. RUFUS These guys could blow, and if they do, they're going to take some people with them. Call this thing off. CLICK (beat) Who sent you? Someone from the Council of Churches, right? Somebody's upset that we're getting so much publicity- is that it? Who was it? Rabbi Sloss? RLFLS We were sent by Him who is called I Am. GLICK Cute. (standing) Time to go. kids. Play time with the Cardinal is over. RUFUS (to Bethany) Worked for Moses. BETHANY Stay out of this. (to Glick) Your Emminence, it's not a joke. These guys are an accident waiting to happen. And if the re-edication ceremony goes on as planned... GLICK ...then these loonies will show up and go nuts, thus endangering the lives of all assembled, including the Governor, the press, me, the leaders of the Council of Churches. Heck, let's not stop there, maybe even God Himself. BETHANY You can't say Himself; it could be a woman. GLICK (rubs temples) Your passion for all topics insignificant, including the gender of our almighty lord, tests my patience, people. Now I'm a very important man with very important matters that demand my attention, so if you'll please... RUFUS I'm telling you man. this ceremony is a mistake. GLICK The Catholic Church does not make mistakes. RUFUS What about the church's silent consent to the slave trade? BETHANY And it's platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust? CLICK (beat) Alright, those were mistakes. But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church responsible for oversights of old. Now I've indulged you for more time than I should have. Please go. BETHANY But tomorrow... CLICK (losing it) Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear?! I did not labor two years and exhaust eve~ ounce of my being to insure that this ceremony be a cornerstone in the most important liturgical event since Vatican Two just to cancel it at the zero hour at the insistence of a wandering band of pranksters who've targeted me as the focus of their evening's merriment! This occasion is important for the congregation of this parish, for the massive crowds coming for the plenary indulgence, for me, for his Holiness the Pope, and - most importantly - for the 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign! And neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God... (glares at Bethany) ... HIM -self will prevent it from occurring successfully! He violently grabs the Miter/shark fin 'swimming' behind the partition. GLICK AND TAKEOFF MY GODDAMN HAT!!! ]ay slowly looks over the partition. EXT SEASHORE The sun slowly rises. The day has arrived. EXT TURNPIKE - EARLY MORNING Amidst very little traffic, two figures emerge from the shadows on the Pennsylvania side. Bartleby and Loki step purposefully past the green sign that welcomes motorists to New Jersey. INT BAR - DAWN The place is empty, except for Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob and A BARTENDER. BETHANY I can almost see the headlines - if there were going to be any - "Existence Erased - Thanks to some prick in a scarlet cape. RUFUS It's a crime that a guy like him even gets to wear a scarlet cape. JAY That ain't no crime. You wanna see a crime? Look what we stole from the guy in the dress. (to Silent Bob) Hand it over. Silent Bob pulls a golf club from out of his coat. BETHANY Oh my God. We're going straight to Hell, I know it. RUFUS You stole the Cardinal's driver? JAY I told him to. You know how much these things are worth? That's at least a couple of sodas and a pack of smokes right there. BETHANY What do we do now? RUFUS Let them keep it. In a couple of hours, it won't matter anyway. BETHANY Not that - about Bartleby and Loki! RUFUS We have no choice but to try to kill them. BETHANY (to Rufus) But you said they couldn't be killed. OC VOICE Correction : they won't be killed. The gang turns to see Azrael sitting at the bar. AZRAEL And just to insure that, we're all going to sit tight, right here, until the two idiots pass through that arch. JAY Hey...! BETHANY He wasn't talking about you two. OC VOICE There's only one idiot here, .Azrael... Bethany and Rufus react, as does the very surprised Azrael. Serendipity stands in the doorway. SERENDIPITY And that's you. AZRAEL The Muse. Just in time to join us for a drink. BARTENDER (suddenly noticing Azrael) Hey. Where'd you come from? AZRAEL Nothingness. And that's where I'm returning to in approximately... (checks watch) ...onehour. BARTENDER Alright Plato - sounds like you've had enough drinks already. Let's go. AZRAEL Come on Barkeep - just one drink for the road. Then I'm gone. Serendipity joins Bethany and Rufus. She whispers. SERENDIPITY I was trying to find you - to tell you I'd figured out who was behind all this. RUFUS Is that who I think it is? SERENDIPITY None other than. BETHANY Who is it? SERENDIPITY That's my worst suspicions confirmed. The Bartender relents. BARTENDER Alright - one drink. Then you're gone. AZRAEL Gimme a Holy Bartender. BARTENDER Never heard of it. AZRAEL (to the group) He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You know - don't you, Muse? SERENDIPITY Azrael... don't. AZRAEL (ignoring her) Anybody? Well - I know how to make a Holy Bartender. Azrael pulls an Uzi from his coat and blows a dozen holes in the Bartender. The Stygian Triplets burst through the doors and everyone jumps to their feet, with the exception of the Bartender, who dies. AZRAEL Get it? SERENDIPITY Sweet Jesus, Azrael - why?!? RUFUS (rushing him) C'mon, demon - let's see you try that shit on a brother whose already dead! The Stygian Triplets cross their sticks in front of Rufus to block him as Azrael trains his Uzi on Bethany. AZRAEL (joining them) You maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room -the Christ-Bitch will join you. SERENDIPITY I can't believe you're behind this. Are you really that stupid?! Do you know what's going to happen if those two jerks enter that church?! AZRAEL I'm actually counting on it. And if my calculations are correct, the pawns are moving in to check-mate as we speak. Everyone stares at Azrael, with the exception of Jay. He suddenly laughs. JAY I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a good one! EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - MORNING A formidable crowd of parishoners surrounds a small stage, ten yards from the front of the church. Banners hang every~ere, heralding 'Catholicism - Wow!' as well as the Centennial of Saint Michael's. The media eats it up. Cardinal Glick stands at the podium, all smiles. He's in mid-speech. GLICK I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's Governor, Elizabeth Dalton, for coming out an helping us ring in the first hundred years of this little parish True. she's a Protestant - but we won't hold that against her. (crowd laughs) Now, let me just give you a bit of history on this particular little hundred years young House of God... OC BARTLEBY This is no longer God's House. God doesn't live here anymore. The crowd turns, aghast. Bartleby pushes his way through them, sheepishly followed by Loki. BARTLEBY He's grown weary of your superficial faith and has turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He is no longer amused, and has abandonned you - His favorites - to the whim of judgement. Hypocrites and charlatans - prepare to taste God's wrath! LOKI (whispering) Maybe we should just go. BARTLEBY You wanted your body count, you got it. This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all! Glick grabs a COP from the crowd and pushes him toward the pair. CLICK These are the two I was warned about, Officer McChee. Please assist them off the church grounds. The Cop grabs Bartleby's arm. COP Alright mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a ride... Bartleby grabs the cops hand on his shoulder. BARTLEBY Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. COP Is that so? Well, let's just... Bartleby throws his other hand forward and twists the Cop's head around in one brisk motion. Loki's eyes bug out. The crowd takes flight. BARTLEBY (releasing dead Cop) Ladies and Gentlemen - you have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty Lord. And this very day - I assure you - you will all pay for your tresspasses... in blood. (to Loki) Wings. Now. LOKI I'm not so sure... BARTLEBY DO IT! INT BAR - LATER Azrael still hosts his captive audience, uzi trained on the mortals. The Stygian Triplets surround them, brandishing their sticks. BETHANY You're a muse too? SERENDIPITY Former muse. He was kicked out. AZRAEL Tell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was slighted by the Almighty. SERENDIPITY You got what you deserved, you yellow shithead. AZRAEL Ever the apple polisher. I'd hoped that when you left Paradise, you did it finally because you couldn't tolerate the injustice that was visited upon your own brother. BETHANY He's your brother?! SERENDIPITY Not technically. We were created at the same time. AZRAEL To compliment one another. Two spirits of pure inspiration. BARTLEBY So what happened? AZRAEL Yes. What. Lucifer got restless and started his little war for the throne. Heaven became divided into two factions - the faithful and the renegades. The ethereal planes were chaotic with battle, angel against angel. And when it was all over, Cod cast the rebels into perdition. SERENDIPITY But Azrael refused to fight. He wouldn't ally himself to God or Lucifer. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious. JAY What are you - some kind of fucking chicken?! AZRAEL I was an artist! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle! Our job is to create - not destroy! SERENDIPITY So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those that wouldn't fight, and my brother here was sent down with the demons. Something he considers a grave injustice. AZRAEL Don't tell me that you never questioned the judgement, Serendipity; that you don't think the Almighty acted too rashly? SERENDIPITY You've been waiting for millions of years to ask me that, haven't you? It's been on your mind since the moment you fell. It's been gnawing at you this long. AZRAEL Well? SERENDIPITY No, Azrael. It never bothered me, and I'll tell you why: you stood behind your office, you prick. So you were an artist - big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King... and you're a schmuck. BETHANY So all this is about revenge?! You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?! AZRAEL After the first million years, revenge was the farthest thing from my mind. Self-preservation became the only necessity. RUFUS Meaning? AZRAEL Escape. Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself; which flnallv did. in the form of the plenary indulgence And while I couldn't exercise it myself. I knew the perfect vessels through which I could free myself from torment. RUFUS Bartleby and Loki. AZRAEL After that, it was a simple matter or waiting for a church to celebrate their Centennial, and when that finally happened, applying some of the old inspiration tactics - bv sending the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the Pit kept them cloaked and off Heaven's radars, and aside from the Triplets and the Gologothan, no soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. (smiles) Won't proud Lucifer weep when he realizes I triumphed over the Power in a way he never dared or dreamed. (shakes it off) But no plan, no matter how intricate, could succeed if the Almighty was in the realm of the quick. So I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion. BETHANY How so? AZRAEL Oh no. I've seen way to many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan - no matter how close you may think you are to success. Suffice it to say, the Catholics have been even more helpful in insuring my success than by just supplying the clean-slate archwav. (gets up) The only X-Factor was the involvement of the Last Scion. I'm amazed that someone up there would have the balls to make a move without the Lord's say-so. Believe me - I sweated when you stumbled upon my boys on that train. But alas, here you are - powerless to stop the inevitable. BETHANY Look, asshole - I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence - even you. AZRAEL (beat) Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Do you know that once Hell was nothing more than the absence of Cod? And if you'd ever been in His presence. then you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along - and made it so much worse. BETHANY Humans aren't capable of one hundredth the evil a shitbag demon like yourself is. AZRAEL Evil is an abstract; it's a human construct. But true to his irresponsible nature. man won t own up to being the engineer of evil, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is limitless, and it's not enough for him to shadow his own existence. He turned Hell into a suffering Pitt - fire, wailing, darkness - the kind of place anyone would do anything to get out of. And why? Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself. It is beyond your abilities to simply make recompense for and regret the sins you commit. No - you choose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your 'grievous offenses'. So you bring your guilt and inner-decay with you to Hell - where the horrid imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment give birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be 'punished'. And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and solitude to pain and misery. I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned. I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an angelic beihg. (beat) Would you like to glimpse pain eternal? Look... Azrael places his hand over Bethany's eyes. For about ten seconds, we see some of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery that can be crammed into 240 frames of film. Azrael pulls his hand away. Bethany is fried, convulsing uncontrolably. AZRAEL I'd rather not exist than go back to that. And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it. SERENDIPITY (holding up Bethany) You're still thinking only about yourself, you fuckmg child. AZRAEL Now, now, now. Things are getting too tense in here. What say we watch a little t.v. (grabs remote control) JAY Put on channel nine - 'Davey and Goliath'! A Stygian Triplet smacks him with it's hockey stick. JAY Hey! AZRAEL I was thinking more along the lines of current events. On the T.V. - a sweaty and panicked REPORTER barks into the camera, obscuring the chaos behind him. Screams are heard. REPORTER ...I repeat - men with huge fucking wings have laid waste to St. Michael's... Bullets don't seem to affect them... police who were on the scene are dead... The remaining crowd has dropped to their knees, identifying this as the fabled Apocalypse.. I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree with them.. (looking OC) NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!! (pulls gun) PLEASE!! Please... He puts the gun in his mouth and fires. The screen goes blank. AZRAEL (snapping off tv.) You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile. I'd be pissed, but in a couple of minutes, it won't matter anymore. While he speaks, Serendipity looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob snaps to attention, and locks eyes with Serendipity. He looks to the golf club, then back at her. He nods. Azrael suddenly catches the exchange between the two. AZRAEL Now what was that all about? SERENDIPITY Hunhh? Oh. nothing. I had something in my eye. AZRAEL (getting up) Bullshit. What are you trying to do, Serendipity -get the guy killed? Now who's the fucking child? What did you tell him - to hit me with the golf club? Are you serious? (picks up golf club) I'm a fucking demon, and you'd have him assault me with athletic equipment? (hands club to Silent Bob) Well, here then - take it. Call it a gift. (stands back and hits his own chest) Take a shot - take your best shot. C'mon - c'mon, bright boy. The Stygian Triplets snicker. Silent Bob stares at Azrael, perplexed. AZRAEL Don't you know anything? Silent Bob looks to Serendipity. She nods. He shrugs and swings the club with all his might into Azrael's chest - which caves in, blowing muck and shit everywhere. Rufus, Jay, and Serendipity turn on their captors, grabbing the Stygian Triplets by the throats. SERENDIPITY BETHANY! BLESS THE SINK! BETHANY WHAT?!? SERENDIPITY DO IT! Bethany leaps over the bar, pushing over the dead bartender, and blesses the melting-ice filled sink. Serendipity urges Rufus and Jay to follow her, with the Triplets in hand. They submerge them - head first - in the sink. Cruddy steam and muck blows out of the water. The Triplets convulse and fall still. Azrael clutches at his sucking chest wound, dropping to his knees. He grabs Silent Bob's leg. Silent Bob kicks him onto his back and out cold. JAY (joining Silent Bob) What the fuck have you been eating? Silent Bob shrugs. BETHANY What just happened? SERENDIPITY (collecting hockey sticks) He said it himself - he's a demon. You hit a demon with an instrument of God - the pure side's always going to do the most damage. JAY Silent Bob's an instrument of God?! SERENDIPITY No - but the driver is. BETHANY (catching on) And Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better game. And the sink...? SERENDIPITY You've got that Divine heritage going for you - sanctifing is just one of the fringe benefits. BETHANY Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party. (to Jay) How far away is this church? JAY Three towns over - about five miles. BETHANY We've gotta make tracks, people - there isn't much time left. Rufus, grab his gun. RUFUS Ten steps ahead of you. BETHANY (going through dead bartender's pockets) We can take the bartender's car - I don't think he'll be needing it anymore. Bethany and Serendipity rush out. JAY We gonna make it? RUFUS Was Jesus down? Rufus and Jay exit. Silent Bob stares down at Azrael's body. Jay comes back and yanks him out the door. EXT STREET - DAY Cardinal Click runs to a pay phone. Sweating and bloody, he looks a mess. He presses '0' and looks around wildly - particularly skyward. GLICK (to God) Look, if you didn't like the cereal thing, we could've gone in a different direction! (to phone) OPERATOR! SEND MORE POLICE TO SAINT MICHAEL'S PARISH - NOW!! PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLED BY...! As he speaks, a large shadow falls over him from above. It grows larger, enveloping Click. He drops the receiver, drops to his knees, and screams. EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S - DAY Bethany, Jay, Serendipity, Silent Bob, and Rufus stare OC, horrified. JAY Holy shit. Bodies, bodies everywhere - partial, whole, bloody - hanging, burning, upended. No one is left standing. It's a scene straight out of Hell. Bethany buries her face in Rufus' chest. JAY See? And people wonder why I don't go to church. BETHANY Are we too late? SERENDIPITY To save these poor schmucks, yes. But we still exist. BETHANY Where are they? RUFUS They could already be in the church. SERENDIPITY Which means that if they come out, nobody touches them. JAY Are you shitting me? The brother here is going to shred them with his Schwarzenneger special - ain't you, homey? SERENDIPITY If they've passed through that arch, they come out clean. And if they die, they go straight up - and we know what happens then. JAY What if they just kill themselves? BETHANY They can't - it's a mortal sin. You die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They'd go to hell, and that's not what they're after. JAY So then what the fuck are we supposed to do?! Just wait for a solution to fall out of the sky?! On cue, a body plummets out of the sky and hits the ground before the group, quite like Rufus had, way back at the start. This body, however, bursts apart like a body would if dropped from a large height. Jay looks at Rufus. JAY Friend of your's? RUFUS 'fraid not. OC VOICE It was a Cardinal. They all turn to see Loki, leaning against a body or two, drinking from a bottle of champagne. His wings lie beside him, filthy - blood spattered and ashen. He looks exhausted. Rufus trains the gun on him. LOKI Kind of hard to tell with his face like that, but the Rosaries are a dead giveaway. JAY (goes for the Uzi) IT'S ONE OF THEM!! KILL IT!!! BETHANY (struggling to stop him) NO...! She slaps the Uzi out of Jay's grip. It clatters to the side. BETHANY (to Jay) Don't you listen?! We can't touch them! JAY I wasn't gonna touch him, I was gonna shoot him! LOKI (looking skyward) He's been at it for awhile now. In the distance above - a mere shadow against the sky - something winged soars and stops, releasing what looks like a very panicky human being. OC LOKI We ran out of parishoners, so he just started picking up anyone off the street. You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only we'd been able to jerk off. Loki drags himself a few feet backwards. LOKI I'd step back if I were you. They jump back just as the body hits the ground and explodes. Bethany charges at Loki, grabs his lapels, and shakes him furiously. BETHANY WHY?!? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HOPE TO PROVE?!? ALL THESE PEOPLE - WHY?!? JAY (to Rufus) I thought we weren't supposed to touch them? RUFUS I think our Bethan's about hit her ceiling. Loki slaps Bethany away, non-chalantly. LOKI This wasn't my idea. alright? I just wanted to go home. (takes a big champagne swig) We both wanted to go home. But he snapped. When he realized who you were and what you'd have to do, he just lost it. (smiles) You know what's funny about it? He never could stand to see me work. He said he always felt son~' for you people - that you didn't know any better. (looks up) Now look at him. JAY This guy's drunker than hell. SERENDIPITY Which means he's human now - his wings have been cut off. (slapping Loki to sober him up) Loki! Loki! LOKI (recognizing her) The Muse. Haven't seen you in a long time. What's with the tits? SERENDIPITY Loki - have you walked through the arch yet? C'mon. tell me! Have you gone in and come out through the archway yet?! VOICE No. Bartleby lands beside them, draping his wings at his sides, brushing himself off. BARTLEBY We were awaiting your arrival. SERENDIPITY Bartleby - listen to me! You can't go through with this! Azrael was just using you! If you go back this way... Bartleby slaps her down. BARTLEBY I've become aware of the reprocussions, Muse. I know what I'm doing. Bethany leaps at him, all fists and fury. BETHANY YOU FUCK! YOU SICK, TWISTED FUCK!! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! LOOK AT All you've done...! Bartleby subdues her. He strokes her hair. BARTLEBY Bethany - you of all people should understand what I'm t~'ing to accomplish here. You too have been abandonned. You know what it's like to be cast aside. But while you've only felt the devastating effects for a few years, I've dealt with it for millenia. And while you never see your ex-husband or how blissful he is with his new wife... (picks up her face and smiles at her) And he is... (drops her head) ..seeing you people everywhere. everyday, trapped on this perfect little world He created for you... it's a constant reminder that though my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And your kind knows forgiveness, while my kind knows regret. A lesson must be taught. All are accountable... even God. (steps back) Soon a cadre of police will arrive, just in time to kill us as we exit the church. And then this failed experiment called existence will cease to be. Loki stumbles to his feet. LOKI I can't... let you do this, Bartleby... (he sways as if drunk) I didn't know we... would end existence... BARTLEBY (to Bethany) My compatriot. Genocide takes a lot out of him. He's weakened. And more importantly. he's now a human being. A condition that carries two liabilities: a conscience... Bartleby pulls a knife and guts Loki. He stares at Bartleby as he dies, confused and betrayed. Serendipity nods to Rufus and Silent Bob. BARTLEBY ..and a short life span. (in a whisper; to Loki) Sorry, old friend - but you lost the faith. Rufus and Serendipity and Silent Bob jump Bartleby and start throwing punches. Silent Bob bites his wing. Jay grabs Bethany and pulls her behind a bush. BETHANY (peering out from behind) He's lost it! We're fucked! We're absolutely fucked! JAY (pulling off clothes) I hear you. BETHANY I can't believe this shit! We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found! What the fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?! JAY (pulling open pants) Amen to that. BETHANY (suddenly notices him) What the hell are you doing?! JAY I'd say we've got about five minutes left to live; the whole world's going to end. You said you'd fuck me. BETHANY Are you a complete lunatic?! Everyone's out there battling that thing and you want to cower back here and jump my bones?! We have to go down fighting! JAY No - no time for that foreplay stuff, just sex. BETHANY You pig...! JAY What?! It's all over; nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can either lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard behind us, or we can make with the love. Bethany freezes. BETHANY (finally!) What did you say?! JAY 'Make with the love'? I just said that to be sensitive. Usually I call it boning. BETHANY No - about John Doe Jersey? JAY That guy - the one that they won't take off life support - John Doe Jersey. This is where he's at. BETHANY What? Where? JAY Saint Michael's hospital - over there. (points behind them) There, across the street, sits a HOSPITAL. BETHANY (thinks) Where's the nearest boardwalk? JAY Look, I ain't got time to win you a prize or something, we gotta get to it before... BETHANY WHERE IS IT?!? JAY (scared) Asbury Park. About five miles away. BETHANY You ever been there?! JAY (really scared) Once. I was banging this girl who worked at the carousel. She wanted to do it on the ride, but I got sick and started puking... BETHANY (grabs his face) DO THEY HAVE SKEE-BALL THERE?!? JAY (piss-scared; high pitched) ...yes. Bethany kisses Jay hard on the lips, jumps up and looks over the bush. JAY (warming up) Now that's more like it. Rufus and Serendipity battle Bartleby, his wings thrashing about. Silent Bob is getting back on his feet. BETHANY BOB! Silent Bob looks to Bethany. She waves him over and bends back down to Jay who half-closes his eyes, and puckers his lips. Bethany pinches his lips together and raises jay to his feet, ust as Silent Bob arri\'es. BETHANY (to Jay) Whatever you do - stall Bartleby from going into that church! (to Silent Bob) Bob - come with me! (they exit)
DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to the folks. TONY Yeah, all right. IRIS The Judges Interview. EXT. DRUGSTORE - MAIN STREET - DAY JOHN DOUGH - pharmacist, 30-ish, thin, nervous - chain smokes outside the drugstore. SUPER: JUDGE #1, JOHN DOUGH DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of pageants over the years? JOHN Nope. No. Uh-uh. Never judged a pageant before in my life. Nope. No way. Never around young girls. Even if I was, why would I wanna be, y'know? I-I-I don't get off on that kinda thing and that's really why you're askin', right? S-someone say somethin'? EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - MAIN STREET - DAY HAROLD - owner, late 40's - stands in front of this grubby little store front with his MILDLY RETARDED BROTHER, HANK, who SNIFFS and MUMBLES CONSTANTLY. SUPER: JUDGE #2, HAROLD VILMES DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you judge the pageant every year? HAROLD ...Nope. Never judged nothin' afore -- HANK (pointing at camera) Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" HAROLD Shut up, Hank. This here's business. Harold CUFFS Hank. HANK Ow, Harold - Mom said not the head. HAROLD Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap. HANK I will if you shut your piehole. HAROLD Don't make me kick-ya where the good Lord split-ya. Harold raises his hand, Hank FLINCHES and EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So are you excited? HAROLD ...Oh you betcha! We're happier than the day Hanky got acquitted. I get made a judge, then the furniture store hires us to paint the whole damn thing. (removing cap) We're gonna use the money to get our mamma a proper headstone. Oh, and move her out to the cemetery. Suddenly, Hank runs full speed into the window. BAM! He falls to the ground inside. INT. LEEMAN FURNITURE SHOWROOM - DAY Follow Lester around cheesy room displays. JEAN KANGAS, his meek, middle-aged secretary follows him everywhere. Lester CALLS OUT to a YOUNG COUPLE sitting in a dining room. LESTER Hey Tim, Carla - if yous kids don't try to Jew me down none, I'll throw in a matchin' hutch. The COUPLE smiles excitedly. LESTER (cont'd) (to camera) See, that there's my specialty. Don't pay me less and I'll give ya more. (sotto) Secret is, the hutch is included in the price. Ain't that right, Jean? Lester smacks Jean on the ass. SUPER: JUDGE #3, JEAN KANGAS. LESTER (cont'd) Take a memo, sweetheart. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR REHEARSAL MONTAGE BEGINS OVER MUSIC. Contestants run out the side door as if running on stage. Tess Weinhaus trips and falls, causing a chain reaction. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR - LATER Now contestants run out carrying small wooden step ladders. As they reach the CHORUS LINE, they set the ladder down and LEAP FROG over. SUPER: FIRST DANCE REHEARSAL - 1 WEEK BEFORE PAGEANT CHLORIS Four, five, six, seven. And one. Tess runs out, sets her ladder down, jumps and hits mid- crotch. She then slides painfully down to the ground. CHLORIS (cont'd) Put that chair away! Get it! Come on! Get it! Amber TWIRLS perfectly. CHLORIS (cont'd) All right. Let's got. Let's go. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS PAN ACROSS NEIGHBORS' sitting in lawn chairs, enjoying the music and the show. END ON JOHN DOUGH, leaning against his car, smoking and holding a video camera at his side. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN PAN DOWN row doing a seated chorus line on ladders. Most suck. Amber and Becky look great. Tess sits on the grass with a bag of ice on her crotch. EXT. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK On John Dough, beside his car. JOHN I'm just out here watching the young girls - contestants - like the rest of my friends and neighbors... John quickly turns and starts to pry the hood open. ANGLE ON Pat and Brett watch the girls. Pat admires Amber's moves. PAT (re: Amber) Are you gettin' her? Uh, the third one, the blonde one. BRETT Hey. PAT See? Right over there. Right over there. Brett slaps Pat on the back. BRETT Leave him alone, leave him alone. It's okay. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN John, his car hood open, is caught aiming his video camera at the girls performing a dance. They wear partially constructed U.S. Monument Headdresses. JOHN Oh, this is just a...camera. I keep it in the glove compartment for car accidents. Insurance... You guys got a camera and no one's accusin' you of anything, right? INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN Move through kitchen. LUNCH LADIES haul, serve and prepare food. Pan over to Amber, who's unhappily scraping and spraying lunch trays as they're dropped off at her window. Becky, flirting her ass off, comes to the window with Brett, handsome football player we saw before. Both carry trays. BECKY So, Brett, do you wanna go to the lake with me on Thursday? BRETT Um, actually, I got practice on Thursday. BECKY ...Yah-well, maybe Friday, then. A bunch of us were gonna go cow-tippin'. SUPER: BRETT CLEMMENS, CAPTAIN, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM BRETT (seeing Amber) Uh, I-uh-I'm kinda busy Friday. Amber looks up to see Brett looking at her. He smiles. She smiles. You can feel the attraction. Amber becomes girlishly self-conscious -- adjusting her rubber apron and brushing hair out of her eyes with her big rubber gloves. BRETT (cont'd) (to Amber) Hi... AMBER Hi. Becky notices their attraction and goes from flirt to uber-bitch in a heartbeat. BECKY Giver her your tray, Brett. You're holdin' up the line. Brett looks at Beck, then at Amber, not wanting to make her clean his tray. BRETT Uh... BECKY Give it to her! AMBER Here, I'll take it. It's my job. BRETT NO... (looking at Becky) It's all right. I got it. Don't worry about it. He takes the sprayer from a surprised Amber and starts to clean off his own tray. Becky can't believe his defiance. AMBER Well, you're supposed to put it in the... Becky THROWS her tray on the counter spraying Amber with food as she storms off. BRETT (cont'd) Oh man, you got leutefisk in your hair. AMBER Then it must be Wednesday. INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY Same scene as "funeral bun" explanation. IONA Leutefisk is Cod Fish that's been salted and soaked in lye for a week or so. It's best with lots-a butter. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN Same scene. Brett removes the offending leutefisk. BRETT So, uh, I-I'm not really busy Friday. I just said that - y'know. AMBER I know. BRETT So if, uh, you wanted to do somethin'... AMBER AMBER/BRETT Huntin' season. Shocked at the coincidence, they share a laugh. BRETT Well, uh, I'm cuttin' out early today to do a little duck huntin'...but, uh, maybe I could call you tonight. AMBER Yah-sure, fine...fine. BRETT Okay...well, bye. AMBER Bye. Amber smiles, gives a shy little wave - then, to camera. AMBER (cont'd) Oh, God - you don't think Becky saw you guys, do you? (nervously looking around) Look, you just shouldn't be in here... DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) It's okay. Doreen gave us hair nets. AMBER No, listen. (whispering as she exits) We shouldn't talk here. Stop by my house tonight, okay? She looks around and motions them to rush off. EXT. HIGHWAY NEAR TRAILER PARK - EVENING From the CREW VAN we pass the crappy trailer homes that are off the Highway. (Patsy Cline's "King Of The Road" PLAYS on the radio). EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING Camera approaches the trailer. SIGN on the door reads "Annette's Family Hair Care." Inside, the kitchen has been turned into a mini hair salon. Annette gives Loretta, neighbor, mid-50's - a bouffant. LORETTA What do you mean, they take out her butt? ANNETTE (seeing camera in window) Oh, Jesus H. Christ! LORETTA Are we on "Cops" again? ANNETTE You could be quiet. LORETTA Hi. ANNETTE Hi. JUMP CUT TO: INT. ATKINS TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER ANNETTE It's just the guys that are...you know, makin' the movie about the pageant. I told you about kem. LORETTA Oh, naw. Hi. ANNETTE This here's Loretta. LORETTA I tell Annette, I says, "You talk to me durin' my stories, you might as well be talkin' to the wall." (then) You guys want a beer? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) No, thank you. Is Amber here? ANNETTE No. You just missed her. Amber got called in to the bone gardens tonight. You just missed her. She's in a helluva mood today, anyways. LORETTA Say, yous boys been to the Leeman's? ANNETTE Loretta, shut it. LORETTA Y'know, if you have, you got all the pictures of the winner you need. ANNETTE Shut it up, Loretta. LORETTA Oh, Christ, it's true. Annette begins to comb out Loretta's hair. LORETTA (drinking beer) Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win is Amber. ANNETTE (mumbled to self) Why don't you paint a big red target on your ass, Loretta. LORETTA She's the prettiest, y'know. The best damn tapper. The most smartest... ANNETTE "Most smartest?" Oh, that's good, Loretta. Make sure you get a picture of that. "Most smartest." We're cuttin you off and sendin' you home. Annette takes Loretta's beer, starts to push her out. LORETTA Well, excuse me, Annette, but I'm braggin' up your kid, here. (to crew) Amber's gonna be the next Diane Sawyer, y'know... ANNETTE I'll be right back. See ya later. CAMERA follows Annette and Loretta. ANNETTE (cont'd) They're makin' a movie, here, goddamn it. LORETTA All right, they're makin' a movie. ANNETTE You don't know where this is gonna... LORETTA I got a hairdo. JUMP CUT TO: EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING Loretta holds onto the door frame so Annette can't push her out. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) What makes you think that Becky's going to win? LORETTA Why do I think Becky'll win? You're talkin'... (to Annette) Don't pinch!. (back into camera) You're talkin' kbout the richest family in a small town. It's front page news when one of kem takes a shit. (she laughs hard) Can one of yous boys give me a ride home? ANNETTE Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down. LORETTA So? Be real easy. ANNETTE Go on home, Loretta. Come on. Go on, the party's over. LORETTA Anyone? INT. LARSON FUNERAL HOME - HALLWAY - NIGHT A small sign on the door reads: "EMBALMING - Please Knock!" PUSH INTO ROOM. Amber, back to us, frantically applies blusher to an OLD WOMAN. Another BODY, covered with a white sheet, is on the embalming slab. The top and brim of a HUNTING CAP can be seen. She TURNS AROUND to see the crew. AMBER (cont'd) (surprised) Ahhh! Je-sus-Christ-on-a-cross! (catching breath) Look, number one rule in a funeral home - never sneak up on the livin'. You never know who could have an embalming needle or skull saw in their hand. Mr. Larson's son learned that the hard way - he's buried next to my Grandpa! Amber turns to the slab to continue working. She pulls off the SHEET to reveal BRETT, handsome football player, still wearing his hunting plaid. JUMP CUT TO: INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) AMBER (covering real emotions) Upset about Brett? Nah. Hazard of the trade. I don't really have time for guys anyways. It's weird, though. He took it right between the eyes. Don't often see that. EXT. GUN RANGE - DAY Becky thumbs bullets into a 12-gauge pump shotgun. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So you know, Brett just got shot in the head. BECKY (cool as a cucumber) He did? Well, huntin's dangerous...So, anyways, my mom gave me this 30-aught for my sixteenth birthday... INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER Amber wipes her eyes when Mr. Larson bursts in. MR. LARSON Amber, I need Stella now! SUPER: MR. LARSON, OWNER, LARSON FUNERAL PARLOR MR. LARSON (cont'd) The family's steamin' like a cow pie in July. Said she didn't look nothin' like the picture they gave you. Amber turns from Brett and closes the coffin. AMBER Sorry. I just thought she might not wanna meet her Maker lookin' like a cheap whore. MR. LARSON Well, your "cheap whore" is this family's "lovin' mother." (pointing at Brett) The Clemens said to make him look like he just came from snowmobilin'. Pink cheeks, and... AMBER (starting to mist up) -- red nose and ears. I know, I know. Mr. Larson PULLS Stella's coffin out. INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER An obviously upset Amber puts make-up on Brett. AMBER Sorry I couldn't talk today kcause...I'm scared, okay? (deep breath) I open my locker right after first period and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside. JUMP CUT TO: INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER Amber holds up a snapshot of a SMILING GIRL on a THRESHER. AMBER This was written on back. She turns the picture over to reveal, "YOU'RE NEXT!" EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET TWIN OFFICERS lean against their car. One prepares to pack some snuff. TWIN OFFICER #1 Oh-yah, helluva way to go, there. After some extensive investigation, we figure the Curry girl musta been drivin' and smokin' and KABLEWEY! TWIN OFFICER #2 (holding a Skoal tin) Not enough left of her to fill a tin. He puts a pinch between his cheek and gum. INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER A visibly upset Amber still applies make-up to Brett. AMBER Yah-sure, Tammy liked to driver her dad's thresher - she said the heavy vibration helped her think, y'know? But I know for a fact she only smoked after a good drive. You ask me or anyone else who isn't scared to talk about it - Tammy was murdered. (holding back tears) God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this... (to crew guy) Toss me "Caucasian #5," would ya? A crew guy walks IN FRAME and hands her a make-up jar. AMBER (cont'd) Man, I can't wait for fishin' season... Mr. Larson bursts in, white as a corpse. MR. LARSON Amber... AMBER No, don't say it. Another stray bullet to the head. She adjusts Brett's red plaid hunting cap. AMBER (cont'd) I'm gonna need more caps. MR. LARSON You hafta go home. There's some kinda emergency at the trailer park. AMBER Relax, that's my ma's code for, "Bring home milk and a carton-a Luckys." MR. LARSON No. Loretta called. There's been a... a fire. She grabs the keys and RUNS OUT. EXT. TRAILER PARK STREET/INT. HEARSE - NIGHT Amber drives fast and furious as we come to what's left of her trailer. All the NEIGHBORS are out drinkin' beers, eatin' food and watchin' the excitement. AMBER Oh my God - no! Is my mom okay? Was she home? Hearse SCREECHES to a halt. We hear a THUD, then MOANS from in back. Amber jumps out. Camera follows, a la "COPS." It's pandemonium with fire trucks, neighbors, an ambulance, etc. AMBER (cont'd) Mom! Mom!? MOMMMM! Loretta runs up to Amber as TWO FIREMEN approach. FIREMAN #1 You family? LORETTA No, she's just screamin' "Mom, Mom!" kcause she's got Tourettes... She's Annette's kid, dipshit. AMBER (to Loretta) Is Mom okay? LORETTA She's alive, sweetie. AMBER Where is she?! LORETTA She's right over there. Camera pans over to see a semi-conscious Annette as they load her stretcher into the ambulance, shut the doors and start to pull away. Amber runs after them. AMBER Mommmm! I'll be right behind you in the hearse! LORETTA Don't let that worry you, Annette! EST. SHOT - FARMINGTON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM A DOCTOR, Amber and Loretta stand beside Annette, who's got an I.V., bandages and her LEFT HAND wrapped and ELEVATED. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So, doctor, is this sort of an unusual injury here? DOCTOR Oh you betcha, this was a doozy. Right now, our chief concern is to stabilize Annette, then, in surgery, remove this here. Removing BANDAGE to reveal BEER CAN, still held in her hand. AMBER Oh, Mom, it's so ugly. ANNETTE Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press- ons. (weak) Well, I sat down for a beer and KA- BLEWEY! Next thing I know, somethin' blows through my kitchen window. Next thing I know, I'm ass up in Loretta's flower bed. EXT. TRAILER PARK - DUSK SHAKY VIDEO of a 15 year-old rocker KID from the NECK ROCKER KID #1 (Beavis with a MN accent) Yah-dude, put another fuckin' book under it. ROCKER KID #2 (O.S.) Don't say "fuckin'." My ma's got the windows open. CAMERA MOVES, then steadies. We see all of Rocker Kid #1. Rocker Kid #2 runs into the shot with his guitar. ROCKER KID #2 (cont'd) kKay-dude, hurry. We gots like two fuckin' minutes left on the battery. ROCKER KID #1 A one...two...one-two-three... SUDDENLY Annette's' trailer EXPLODES behind them! Rocker Kids turn to see a BODY (Annette's) FLY through the air. ROCKER KIDS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM ANNETTE (to Amber) I shoved your tap shoes in my jeans before I was blown outta the house, Honey. Check with the guy who cut my pants off. He should have kem. AMBER Mom, uh, about that...I-I'm-oh God... Amber starts to cry and runs out. ANNETTE Oh-Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph, she's pregnant! (calling after her) If you are - come back, sweetie. Mommy wants to talk, then KILL YOU! LORETTA (running after Amber) Annette, why don't you just see if there's any beer left in that can and relax a bit. INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT Loretta and Amber face off. LORETTA You're what?! AMBER I-I'm quittin' the pageant. LORETTA I heard you, I was just tryin' to scare you into changin' your mind. Oh for Chrissakes, Amber, the woman clung to your tap shoes while flyin' through the air like a Goddamn lawn dart! AMBER Oh God, I'm dead... A candy striper approaches them. CANDY STRIPER Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her friend Serious Sally, how kbout some nice cool mints to turn those frowns upside-down. "S." LORETTA (to candy striper) D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if I shoved your head up your ass? Fear sweeps over the Candy Striper - she bolts down the hall! Loretta puts an arm around Amber and starts to walk down the opposite direction. AMBER So, what do I say? LORETTA Simple. Just say, "Mom, I know you sacrificed everything - relationships, dreams - your tummy, ass and thighs - all to bring me into this world. All so I could have tap lessons and be in the pageant - the same one you were in. But, y'know what? I'm quittin'." There. Easy as pie. AMBER Oh my God. I'm so dead... LORETTA Yeah, you betcha... INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - NIGHT Follow Amber in past the now crying candy striper. ANNETTE (throwing mints) Go on! Get out! AMBER Mom, look, don't say anything. First of all, I'm not pregnant. Amber sits on the bed. Annette grabs her shirt. AMBER (cont'd) Mom! ANNETTE I ain't lettin' go ktil you tell me what's up. I'm reaching' a point where I'd kill someone for the nicotine on their fingernails. AMBER (deep breath) Okay. Yesterday I...I got this picture. So I kinda, y'know, I'm thinkin' no. I'm gonna, I-I-I'm gonna quit the pageant. ANNETTE What?! She hits Amber with her beer-canned hand. AMBER Ow! ANNETTE (to camera) Would yous boys excuse us a second? Loretta, you too. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM SHOT THROUGH the window. Amber paces around Annette's bed. AMBER Nice mouth you got there, Mom, but I- I'm not goin' through this again. ANNETTE You're not goin' through this again? You? You're not the one who knows how Jiffy Pop feels. AMBER Oh, c'mon... First the picture of Tammy, then Brett Clemens, now this? It's scary. ANNETTE Let me tell you "scary," Amber. Look at me. Do you wanna look like you been rode hard and put away wet at my age? I'm a "lifer" here. Best I can hope for is to end up in a descent "raisin ranch" where they'll change me twice a day. AMBER That's it, I'm goin'... ANNETTE Honest to God, if I got to do it over? I'd start walkin' outta this town the minute I took my first step. Practically the only thing I wouldn't do different is have you... Amber sits on the bed. AMBER God I hope that's you and not your concussion talkin'. ANNETTE (smiling) It's me...I just don't want this to be the thing you'd do over. This pageant's your ticket outta here. I know you can win, Amber. ANNETTE (cont'd) C'mere. I love you so much. AMBER I love you much. Annette hugs Amber. INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT Follow a jubilant Amber and Loretta. LORETTA Hell-no, she ain't quittin'. AMBER No. Mom said if I did, she'd look up my dad and marry him. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So has your mom kept your dad's life a secret? AMBER No. She never hid the fact that my dad picked his career over us. What'd she used to say? LORETTA "Once a carnie, always a carnie." AMBER Oh-yah. EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - MORNING The twin officers lean against their car. TWIN OFFICER #1 The Atkins fire? Foul play? Shit-no. After some thorough investigatin', we determined it musta been a bad wirin'. Mosta them trailer-folk plug a TV, VCR, crock pot and Fry-daddy into one outlet and don't think nothin' of it ktil KABLEWEY! TWIN OFFICER #2 (taking a pinch of Skoal) Not enough left to fill a tin. INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - DAY Annette is in bad shape. The candy striper nervously stands beside her, holding a syringe. ANNETTE "Bad wirin'?!" Well, if that ain't the biggest crock-a-shit ever. (turning on the candy striper) Ooowwww-Jesus! Did K-Mart have a sale on dull needles? CANDY STRIPER I-I just need one more "do-over." EXT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. Follow the contestants up to the door. INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL A smokey room with DRUNKEN VETS at the bar and CONTESTANTS, in Sunday best, crowded around some tables. They couldn't seem more out of place. INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL SUPER: JUDGES INTERVIEWS - 3 DAYS BEFORE THE PAGEANT GLADYS So, remember the three most important parts of a good interview... IRIS Okay, everybody, listen up! GLADYS Number one, American Teen Princess' don't cross their legs like streetwalkers. The girls put their knees together. GLADYS (cont'd) Excuse me, Miss Penthouse Ninety- eight, put your knees together. (contestants laugh) I could drive a boat show in there. Gladys paces. GLADYS (cont'd) Ankles together. Hands resting lightly on your laps. Good. Sit up straight. Smile! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL GLADYS All right. Number two: the judges are as nervous as you are. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM JUDGES - HAROLD, JOHN and JEAN KANGAS (Lester's secretary) sit at a table, clipboards in front of them, STARING at the camera. HANKS sits behind them, fidgeting. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So are you about ready to start the judging - start the interview, there? JOHN (after long beat) Uh, I-I guess I could answer that. Yep. We're ready. So, we should probably get the young girls in here, then. Y'know, to start the interviews... V.F.W. - BACK ROOM Tess enters, sits, then quickly remembers how to sit. Judges nervously look at their clipboards - pencils ready. HAROLD (trouble reading) Uh, "if you could be any tree in the woods, what kinda tree would you be?" TESS (long pause) Dogwood. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON MOLLY HOWARD, seated. MOLLY Bonsai. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE, seated. LESLIE Green? V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON MICHELLE JOHANSON, seated. MICHELLE A tree? I can be any tree you want. Gimme a minute. She begins vocal and facial warm-up exercises. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON BECKY, seated. BECKY One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose, a solid Christian trunk and long leafy branches to provide shade for handicapped kids on a hot summer day. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LISA SWENSON, seated, staring for a long beat, then: LISA You guys know the retard's pants are open? (laughing) I don't want to see that. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON THE JUDGES - Harold reads, John stares longingly. HAROLD "Who would you pick to be president, dead or alive?" PAN OVER to Molly Howard. MOLLY Uh, Emperor Hirohito. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE, seated... LESLIE Brett Favre! V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON BECKY, seated. BECKY My mother, kcause she could solve world hunger with one of her blue- ribbon rhubarb pies, create world peace with one of her prayers and still find time to look beautiful...for my dad, Lester Leeman. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE John Dough drinks nervously from his water glass. JOHN D-do you like to swim? The other judges look at him, then at their clipboards trying to find this question. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LISA SWENSON LISA Oh-yah, I love to swim. When I was in New York, I met Greg Louganis at one-a my brothers' shows... V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE Janelle, sings a long answer. The Judges look at each other confused and frustrated. JOHN What the hell is she trying to say? (yelling) Say it! JANELLE The ktards pants are completely off! The Judges turn and look at Hank. HAROLD Close up shop. Close up shop, Hank. HANK Harold! HAROLD Close up shop! V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON HAROLD HAROLD You Amber Atkins? AMBER (O.S.) Yes. Yes I am. Thank you, hello. All judges turn a page on their clipboards. HAROLD "Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order." PAN OVER to a stunned Amber. AMBER Seriously? HAROLD (O.S.) Ah-yep. Amber can't believe what she's hearing. AMBER Well, ah...Alabama. A-L-A-B-A-M-A. Alaska. A-L-A-S-K-A. Arizona. A-R-I- Z-O-N-A. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE AMBER West Virginia. W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-N-I-A. Wisconsin. W-I-S-C-O-N-S-O-N. Wyoming. W-Y-O-M-I-N-G. Pan over to Judges. They can't believe it. Hank CLAPS retardedly. He loves her. HAROLD (looking at others) Uh-okay, then. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM A NURSE now stands beside Mary. MARY With two weeks until the pageant... (continued labored breaths) I was practicing my talent. Finishing my costume, brushing up on current events, and running eighteen miles a day on about four hundred calories. I was ready. The nurse gives her a hit of oxygen. Mary smiles and gives a THUMBS UP from behind the oxygen mask. DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY PAN DOWN long, narrow room. A counter, with mirrors and bare bulbs, cover one wall. Girls set up their areas and change into their talent costumes. SUPER: DRESS REHEARSAL - DAY BEFORE THE PAGEANT IRIS Coupla things...Gladys wants to be sure we go in show order today. All right? So very important. Don't forget that. CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON LESLIE MILLER, in cheerleading uniform, standing beside small framed photos of her boyfriend on the counter. LESLIE (unusually serious) Oh-yah, really nervous. It's been about two months. I haven't told my boyfriend yet. How did you know? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) I meant, nervous about the pageant? LESLIE (suddenly perky) Oh! Nervous about the pageant! Yah sure! She kisses a photo and GIGGLES. CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON BECKY holding a sequin-covered poodle skirt and sweater. BECKY There are eight thousand sequins and fifteen hundred beads on the skirt, alone. My mom and Mrs. Lopez make it. She's one of my father's many Mexican (Me'hee'kan) workers he lifts from the poverty they know in Mexico (Me'heek'koe). CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON AMBER ATKINS at the far end of the counter. AMBER Yah-my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming like this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap costume on the roof-a their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part. It was still on the hanger. DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON TESS WEINHAUS wearing "I love German Shepherds" sweatshirt, standing beside various trinkets. TESS And, uh, this is my lucky bolt. They think it fell from a DC-10. The doctor said I was lucky the flat side hit me, um, otherwise it coulda gone right through my head. (holds up red tap dress) I know, I know, gives me the willies, too. I guess the explosion... Janelle Betz, wearing a flowing, nymph-like dress with ballet slippers, glides up to Amber. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) Amber? Can we switch numbers? I need to go first. (smiling to camera) My cousin just had a deaf baby and I get to go see it! AMBER Yah-sure, eight's my luck number anyway. Diane Sawyer was number eight at her local. JANELLE Thank you. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY ON STAGE "Through the Eyes of Love" plays as Janelle performs her INTERPRETATIVE DANCE while signing the words. In the f.g., Gladys appears very serious. GLADYS (loud whisper) I'll be honest. This is a hard time for me. This is the part of the pageant when you realize that tomorrow night, all but one of these girls will walk out of here a loser. It's hard for me to know how that must feel, but I'm sure it doesn't feel good. In b.g., a BIG STAGE LIGHT FALLS on Janelle's head. CRASH! Gladys and CAMERA rush the stage. "Through the Eyes of Love" continues throughout. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - PORCH - THAT NIGHT A very shaken Amber paces. AMBER Don't you get it? I was supposed to go first. I was contestant number one. That light was meant for my head. If Janelle hadn't wanted to change numbers... God, I owe my life to that deaf baby. Loretta enters, portable phone and drink in hand. LORETTA That was your mom. She wanted you to have this. AMBER (taking drink) Really, Loretta? LORETTA (avoiding eye contact) You-betcha. AMBER My mom wanted me to have this? LORETTA Oh, shut up. I thought it might help you get some sleep. AMBER Loretta, never have kids. LORETTA Well God-love-ya for thinkin' I still could. Loretta pulls a bag out of a closet and hands it to Amber. LORETTA (cont'd) Here, your ma did want you to have this since your other one got toasted and all. Amber pulls out an ELEGANT GREEN GOWN. AMBER Oh...my...God! It's just like Diane Sawyer's! kCourse it's not a size ten, Diane was a little hippy back then. Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! She hugs Loretta. EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT SUPER: NIGHT OF THE PAGEANT BANNER: "Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant, sponsored by Sarah Rose COSMETICS." The ENTIRE TOWN is excitedly entering. CLOSE ON Mr. and Mrs. Howard and their daughter Tina, who's embarrassed and continues to rant as they pass. All three wear T-shirts with MOLLY'S FACE on them. MR. HOWARD MRS. HOWARD Go Molly! Go! Number one daughter! Behind them Leslie Miller's boyfriend, PAT, and a group of ROWDY GUYS approach. PAT Whooo! Leslie kicks Teen Princess ass! Go Muskies! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY STAGE IS DARK. Crowd takes their seats. You can feel the electricity. We hear the TAPE of a DRUM ROLL. SPOTLIGHT hits center stage. Gladys enters wearing a gaudy gown, takes mic. Applause! GLADYS Welcome, welcome. Okay, alright, now. Is this for me or the gown? Laughter and applause trail off. GLADYS (cont'd) Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant. While every contestant you'll meet tonight is special and unique, they all have one thing in common. They're all "Proud - to - be - an - American!" Wild applause! Jazzy patriotic medley tape. Gym doors fly open and like a Felliniesque Vegas review, CONTESTANTS enter wearing gowns and U.S. Monument Headdresses. They struggle to maintain balance as they dance, moving only their arms, on stage. CUT TO: Becky, whose head is built like another president into Mount Rushmore, is first at the mic. (The "dance" continues behind each contestant as she steps up to the mic.) BECKY I chose Mount Rushmore, because to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans, who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me - Rebecca Leeman - PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE A MONTAGE of OPENING NUMBER INTRODUCTIONS ON LISA SWENSON wearing a Statue of Liberty Headdress. (It's a Barbie Doll that holds an unlit birthday candle.) LISA Living in a country where Lady Liberty keeps her flame burning bright. She reaches up with a lighter to light the candle. It's hard to reach and won't light. LISA (cont'd) Keeps her flame burning bright... INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE MILLER as she seductively strokes the sides of her Washington Monument Headdress. LESLIE The Washington Monument... Guys WHOOP and CHEER O.S. LESLIE (cont'd) (enjoying this) ..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be an American. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON AMBER ATKINS with a MAP OF THE U.S. HEADDRESS, dances up to the mic. AMBER Living in a country where no matter who you are or where you come from, you can grow up and become what you've always dreamed of, makes me, Amber Atkins, proud to be an American! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON MOLLY HOWARD wearing an Atomic Blast at Hiroshima Headdress. MOLLY Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard, proud to be an Asian-American. As she steps away from the mic, Tess Weinhaus, wearing a huge ball of twine headdress, dances up to the mic. TESS Uh, this, uh, my Uncle Phil's World's Largest Ball of Twine, in Bundy Minnesota, makes me, um, it makes me proud I'm American - I kinda misunderstood the assignment. The ball of twine falls to the floor and rolls off the stage, still attached at one end to her head. BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM Pandemonium! Contestants change into their "Physical Fitness" outfits. (T-shirts with red flags, shorts) Civil Servettes try to help. A LARGE PICTURE of Janelle Betz sits at her counter space. IRIS Okay, okay! Listen-up. Coupla notes from last night's dress rehearsal. (off clipboard) Number one, Gladys says a coupla yous are gettin' sexy with your hips durin' the "Physical Fitness" routine... AMBER Oh my God! My-my tap costume's gone. Commotion stops. Becky continues to get ready. IRIS Uh, Amber? We're not puttin' on our Talent costumes. You need to put on your "Physical Fitness" outfit. And let's shake a leg, ladies. AMBER No, wait. It-it was here before the openin' number...wait. What am I sayin'? I should just ask you, Becky. Where is it? Becky freezes, staring daggers at Amber. BECKY What? AMBER You heard me. Where is it? The other contestants slowly clear a path between them. BECKY If you're gettin' at somethin', you better just say it. AMBER I just did. BECKY Well then, you better be willin' to back it up, kcause you're talkin' like crazy. They start to slowly circle each other - a cat fight's brewin'. AMBER Oh-oh, you bring me some of that snotty attitude, Becky - bring it on. BECKY Well, as my mother says at Sunday dinner, "Come and get it," bitch! AMBER Oh, I'll "get it." I'll "get it" all right. I might even take seconds. They're moving ever closer... BECKY If you want seconds, then I'll make sure it's hot enough for ya. AMBER Bitch! IRIS (stepping between them) Girls! Girls! BECKY Give me your stringy-ass hair! AMBER I'll get you! CREW GUY (O.S.) (barely audible) Oh God, don't stop kem now... BECKY You're choking my, you fucking bitch! IRIS (putting hand over camera) Y'know, I-I don't think yous boys should, uh, should be in here while the girls are changin'. AMBER I hate her! IRIS We all do. Now let's go. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Gladys is center stage. GLADYS Yah-so how kbout a big round of applause for last year's Mount Rose American Teen Princess, in a farewell performance. Who could forget her lip- synching to "Don't Cry Out Loud," by Melissa Manchester. And here she is, Mary Johanson! Applause! Gladys exits. TAPED MUSIC "It's My Turn." A NURSE pushes MARY JOHANSON out in her wheelchair, complete with portable oxygen. Mary wears a gigantic black wig and silver gown which hangs off her boney body. She moves her lips to the words as the nurse pushes her emotionally around the stage. EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY Contestants, in "physical fitness" outfits, wait outside the double doors, holding freshly painted red, white and blue step ladders. Becky and Amber stare at each other from opposite ends of the line. IRIS All right, why don't we take up the stepladders, all right? For the Physical Fitness number? BECKY (picking up her stool) They're wet. LISA Hey, my hands are stuck. MOLLY (sniffing) Uh, I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes. IRIS Well, hold kem away from you so it doesn't get on the outfits. (turning to Servettes) What kinda mental retard paints step ladders the morning of a pageant. ON STAGE Hank is being pulled off stage by Harold. Gladys adjusts her dress, frazzled. HANK (under throughout) Here come the judge - pinch, pinch - here come the judge - pinch, pinch - here come the judge... GLADYS Get back! Get back, you total retard! LORETTA Go Hank! GLADYS I'm okay, I'm okay - dress is fine. I'm okay...well, our other judges are Jean Kangas and John Dough... EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY Iris and Servettes go in the gym as Chloris Klinghagen comes out. CHLORIS (loud whisper) Opening number looked, uh, good. Solid. But now you're gonna have to actually dance, so... (holds up jar of Vaseline) Here. Put a dab of this on the old choppers, ladies. It'll help you smile. And when they're lookin' at your teeth - God willin' - they won't be lookin at your feet. Chloris gives Amber the jar and exits. From the gym, we hear TAPED PATRIOTIC MUSIC. Contestants CHEER and run in. "PHYSICAL FITNESS" ROUTINE - PATRIOTIC MUSIC As cuts of patriotic dance moves progress, the girls have more and more red, white and blue paint smeared on their clothes, arms and legs. Amber's clearly the best. Taped music ENDS. Contestants, covered with paint, strike a final pose - sitting on ladders, standing, kneeling. Applause. BACKSTAGE - WALKWAY Contestants wait anxiously as they pass a can of TURPENTINE and a RAG to remove paint from their arms and legs. BECKY Hurry up. LESLIE Okay, guys, I think we all got some. You just take it off. AMBER Here, I didn't get any. LESLIE Here, have some. MICHELLE Hand me another white one. LISA Listen, you guys, don't go int the bathroom. Tess blew chunks all over. Man, she ate a big dinner. BECKY Maybe she shoulda shoved that lucky bolt down her throat for desert. Becky storms off. AMBER (sotto, to other girls) And the winner of the "Spirit" award goes to... Girls laugh quietly. Iris pulls a dazed and confused Tess - beg wet spot on her shirt - through the shot. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Iris stands center stage, awkwardly holding the mic. IRIS (reading from notecard) "I'd like to take you back seventeen years, when a peanut farmer was in the White House, a group-a boys callin' themselves kQueen' topped the record charts and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess!" Gladys enters wearing sash, tiara and plaid culottes. Applause. A SLIDE is shown of her at 17. GLADYS (taking mic) Thank you, thank you. You know, I won the talent contest by sewing these culottes, Butterick pattern 7-4-3-2. Can you believe it? They still fit! LORETTA She had a big ass then, she's got a big ass now. GLADYS (pausing for applause) Thank you, thank you. Our next eontestant is ready, so let's welcome her: Tess Weinhaus! APPLAUSE. Tess is pushed on stage. BACKSTAGE - LEFT Amber paces. ON STAGE Tess drones on at the mic. TESS (in the b.g. throughout) The beagle is known for it's howl. "Aaauuuuuhhhh." The Pekinese has it's own distinctive bark. "Yip, yip, yip." Not to be confused with the Chihuahua's, "Yap, yap, yap." But none can compare to the greatest bark of all - the German Shepherd... AMBER (to camera, loud whisper) ...Yah-it's just gone... (eyes welling up) I mean, I-I just wanna tap, y'know? I'm not sayin' I'm the best, or that I'd even win, but shouldn't I at least get a chance to compete? (starting to sob) I just wanted my Mom to see me dance. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN enters, small bag in hand. CHLORIS (loud whisper) Amber - Amber, c'mere. AMBER Please, Mrs. K, I got so much Vaseline on my teeth, I'm gonna be smilin' for a year. CHLORIS No. Here. Chloris pulls a simple BLACK LEOTARD from the bag. CHLORIS (cont'd) It's nothin' special, but talent like yours doesn't need to hide behind sequins. AMBER Mrs. K-- CHLORIS You're... you're special and... Ah hell, go out there and kick some Leeman ass. Amber, overcome with joy, gives her a big hug. CHLORIS (cont'd) Not so hard, sweetie. I heard somethin' snap... INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM ON STAGE: Leslie Miller, in uniform, performs an amazingly sexy cheer as TWO SINGLET-CLAD WRESTLERS wrestle (One is boyfriend, Pat.). LESLIE Roll him over -- (clap, clap, clap) Lay him flat (clap, clap, clap) Pin his shoulders (clap, clap, clap) To the mat (clap, clap, clap) Roll him over, lay him flat, pin his shoulders, to the mat! Yeahhhh! She JUMPS, KICKS and ends with SPLITS. APPLAUSE! JUMP CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER Michelle Johanson is on stage, sitting on a stool, wearing all black. She smiles warmly. Then, with one sweep of her hand across her face, her smile drops. She's dead serious. MICHELLE (without emotion) Fade in...Earth. The year is two- thousand twenty-four. The question on everyone's mind: What is...Soylent Green? She sweeps her hand back across her face and she's "in character," pained, near death, and overly dramatic. BACKSTAGE - LEFT - CONTINUOUS Amber, now in the leotard, talks to Iris. Michelle performs from "Soylent Green" in the b.g. AMBER (loud whisper) Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to me? Why're you pretendin' you don't know what's goin' on? IRIS Amber, I'm sorry. I really am. But you know the rules. All talent costumes hafta be okay'd by Gladys before the pageant. AMBER But, doesn't someone taking your costume so you can't compete, overrule that rule? IRIS Sorry. I-I don't make the rules. AMBER This, this... This is bullshit! IRIS Amber Atkins! That is not American Teen Princess language! AMBER Good, kcause this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant - it's, it's Nazi Germany! Amber storms off. IRIS (shaking head) Where do they get this stuff... INT. BACKSTAGE CAMERA FOLLOWS AMBER as she storms over to BACKSTAGE - RIGHT where Gladys watches Michelle ON STAGE. AMBER Mrs. Leeman? GLADYS (turning) Huh? AMBER I-I'm wearin' this costume. I'm, uh, I'm gonna do my talent tonight. GLADYS Oh really - I don't think so. (suddenly aware of camera) Uh, Amber, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but rules state that a costume must be okay'd at least a week in advance. And this... (pointing to costume) This is why we have the rule. My goodness gracious, I couldn't allow a neckline this low on stage. We have kids in the audience. AMBER But, you - I mean... It's not my fault. I-I... Please? I didn't do anything wrong... Amber starts to cry. MICHELLE (climaxing) That's why... I must say... (raising arm upward) Soylent Green... is... people. She doubles over. She's given it all. APPLAUSE. GLADYS Oops, that's my cue. Gladys starts out on stage as Molly Howard, dressed like a red, white and blue cowboy, runs up next to Amber. She's twirling toy guns on her fingers. MOLLY Wish me luck. AMBER (drying her eyes) Good luck, Molly. One of Molly's guns flies off her finger. She goes to retrieve it. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Molly is line dancing, occasionally taking "pretend" shots into the air. It's incredibly repetitive and dull. BACKSTAGE - CARL'S "LIGHT AND SOUND" BOOTH - CONTINUOUS As Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" PLAYS in b.g., Carl, the janitor, sets plastic army figures on fire with a cigarette lighter. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Gladys is center stage. Molly Howard walks off crying, having just finished her routine. POLITE APPLAUSE. She's still spinning her guns, again one goes flying. GLADYS Thank you, Molly. INT. HIGH SCHOOL/STAIRWELL - DRESSING AREA Lisa, top hat, tails, giant "I LOVE NY" button - and others try to console a CRYING Amber. Becky continues singing O.S. LISA (arm around Amber) Oh, Amber... AMBER (can't catch breath) I-I-I-I-I-, j-uh-j-uh-just wanted to compe-e-e-e-ete. LISA I can't believe this is happenin'. I can't believe she said you couldn't... Getting an idea, Lisa starts to take off her jacket. LISA (cont'd) Amber? Here. AMBER (still sobbing) "Here," wh-wh-what? LISA My jacket. Take it kcause, y'know, I got my costume okay'd before the pageant. You can wear it. MICHELLE Oh man, Lisa, I wouldn't do this. LESLIE (to Lisa) They're never gonna let you perform naked. I asked. LISA Shut up, yous guys. Look, Amber, I'm not gonna win. And let's be honest, a family only needs one "Liza" and you know Peter's got much better legs than me. AMBER Your parents'd kill you. LISA Oh c'mon, I love kem, but you know they only had me kcause Peter needed a kidney. AMBER Lis, I want to, I really do, but... Oh, I can't. LISA Then do it for Peter. Mrs. Leeman used to call him a "skinny little fag" when he'd bag her groceries. He'd pop his Nancy-belt if his old jacket somehow, I don't know, got her back. AMBER Yah? LISA Oh-you-beccha. Amber hugs her and takes the jacket. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE Gladys guides Molly off the stage. GLADYS Now, it's with overwhelming pride that I introduce contestant number six, who also happens to be president of her class - two years running - a member of the honor roll and the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club - Rebecca Ann Leeman! STAGE GOES BLACK. SPOT HITS BECKY, who sits at the edge of the stage, holding a mic. She's head to toe sequins in her poodle skirt, sweater, saddle shoes, etc. BECKY (talking over music) I don't know how many of you know this, but I've got a very special fella in my life - that's right, I do... And if nobody minds, I'd like to sing a little song, just for him. SPOT FOLLOWS as Becky stands and walks center stage to what appears to be a COVERED MANNEQUIN. TAPED INTRO TO "I Can't Take My Eyes Off You." BECKY (cont'd) You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you. You'd be like Heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At long last love has arrived and I thank God I'm alive. Becky removes the sheet, revealing a MANNEQUIN dressed like JESUS as he appeared on the cross: long hair, beard, crown of thorns, loincloth. The ARMS ARE STUFFED so they move freely. (Hands of stigmata.) BECKY (cont'd) You're just to good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you... Becky TALK-SINGS - a la William Shatner's "Rocket Man" - and DANCES around the Jesus mannequin doing the jitter- bug, the twist and a slow dance (his arms on her shoulders). DURING THE SLOW DANCE, THE LOIN CLOTH SLIPS AND BECKY MUST HOLD IT UP - GIVING THE APPEARANCE OF GRABBING HIS CROTCH. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - BACKSTAGE Iris approaches Lisa who's given her outfit to Amber. IRIS C'mon, Lisa. You're up next. LISA I quit. And, uh, since my costume, y'know, was okay'd a month ago? I'm givin' it to Amber. Amber breaks a smile. Taped music ENDS. APPLAUSE. Gladys, mic in hand, joins Becky for a big hug. GLADYS Boy, I'd hate to follow that. Wow! Becky exits, pulling the wheeled Jesus behind her. GLADYS (cont'd) Voice of an angel, that one. Iris runs self-consciously out on stage, whispers in Gladys' ear, then runs back off stage. GLADYS (cont'd) ...Uh, I was just told that contestant number seven, Lisa Swenson, has quite the pageant. CROWD REACTS. GLADYS (cont'd) Well, these things happen. At any rate, we still have one more contestant - number eight, Amber Atkins. Gladys exits. A taped hip, hot DRUM BEAT starts. Suddenly, Amber glides into CENTER SPOT. (Now wearing Lisa's costume, sleeves rolled up.) Her feet burst into an amazing routine. The loud drum beats seem to fly from her hands and feet as they punctuate the rhythm. There's no glitz, just unbelievable skill. It appears effortless as she floats around stage. Like watching Michael Jackson moon walk for the first time, you can't take your eyes off her. She concludes, center stage, with the GREATEST THIRTY SECONDS OF HER LIFE. The audience goes WILD! Amber takes bow after bow - they love her. Gladys enters quickly, mic in hand. GLADYS (cont'd) Okay, okay, okay! Well, now, it's finally time to say good-bye to our judges, so they can go make the toughest decision of their lives. PAN TO JUDGES. They look nervous as hell. A relaxed Hank sniffs from a paint soaked bag. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT Judges stare nervously at the camera - clip boards in front of them. Hank's LOUD BREATHING from the paint soaked bag is obviously getting on John's nerves. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So who get's the crown? How are you going to figure this all out? JOHN Uh, we're gonna, y'know, compare scores and uh, figure out a-a winner. kCause we don't know the winner yet... I mean, I-I don't know who Jean and Harold picked. No idea. Did Gladys send you in here? HANK I know the winner! I know the winner! I know the winner! JOHN No you don't! Shut your goddamn mouth, you son-of-a-bitch!! Nerves shot, John suddenly LAUNCHES himself across the table at Hank. HAROLD Wait a second. JOHN You shut it! You goddamn retard! Hank freezes, then starts to wail! HANK EE-AAAYEEEE-AAAAYOUIAAAEEEEEEEE! HAROLD Come on! Hankey here can't help it if he was born crazier than a shithouse rat! Hank stops crying and goes back to the bag. JOHN For fuck's sake, why didn't ya leave him with a sitter? Hank begins crying again. HAROLD Real nice. You know the sitter's dead. DISSOLVE TO: BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM Girls, in gowns, sit in silence. Becky and Amber sit at opposite ends of the room. There's obvious tension. LESLIE So, anyone talk to Janelle? AMBER Yah-I brought her some flowers this morning. She's in the room next to my mom. She's super happy. Girls ad-lib SHOCK. TESS She's happy? LESLIE Why happy? AMBER (cont'd) Oh -- the blow to her head made her deaf... Girls ad-lib "Oh, I see. Okay-then." etc. Another LONG BEAT of SILENCE follows. Becky gets up to re-touch her make-up. BECKY (losing it) Oh, good Lord! What're they doin'? Lettin' the retard count votes?! Contestants stare at her in shock. Iris enters. IRIS It's time, ladies. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Judges are back. Gladys is center stage. Girls enter and form a line behind her. TAPED AMERICAN MEDLEY STARTS. GLADYS Welcome back, everyone. Judges. Our Second Runner-up and winner of a fifty- Taped fanfare. Leslie bounds forward, grabs her trophy, stands to one side. PAT (O.S.) You rule, Leslie! Audience laughs. Leslie waves. GLADYS Our next prize, a seventy-five dollar scholarship -- Audience ad-libs amazement. GLADYS (cont'd) ...will be awarded to the First Runner- up. Taped DRUM ROLL. Contestants (except Becky) take hands. Iris gives Gladys an envelope and trophy. GLADYS (cont'd) And the First Runner-up is - (opening envelope, face drops) Contestant number eight, Amber Atkins. Ad-lib audience shock and disbelief. Contestants are stunned. Amber steps forward, humbly takes the trophy and stands beside Leslie. Audience finally quiets. GLADYS (cont'd) And finally, the moment I know I've been waiting for... Iris hands Gladys a LARGE TROPHY and envelope. Mary Johanson is wheeled out wearing sash and tiara. GLADYS (cont'd) With a scholarship of five-hundred dollars, courtesy Leeman Furniture, and all expenses paid for next weekend when she'll be competin' for the title of Minnesota American Teen Princess... Taped drum roll. Gladys opens the envelope. GLADYS (cont'd) Our new Mount Rose American Teen Princess is contestant number - ah heck, she's my daughter - number seven, Rebecca Ann Leeman! Polite audience applause. Becky rushes forward. Gladys RIPS the tiara and sash off Mary, places them on Becky. BECKY Oh, thank you so much! AUDIENCE Loretta and Annette watch on. ANNETTE Shit. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE The ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR, from earlier scene, enters and sings to a tape as Becky takes her victory walk. ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR (tune of "Miss America") "Here she is, Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess. Look at her, doesn't she look fine. Our hearts swell big, as we look at her. Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess." EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER AMBULANCE pulls up. Mary Johanson, unconscious, slumped in wheelchair, is brought out and put in. Amber and Loretta wheel Annette out. Paramedics put her in, too. ANNETTE We was robbed. LORETTA Okay. Take her purse. AMBER Bye mom. ANNETTE We was robbed. AMBER It's okay. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER Amber faces camera as ambulance pulls away. AMBER Oh, Mom's okay. They're just givin' her a ride back. She almost blew outta the back of Loretta's pick-up on the way over. LORETTA Thank God for bunge cords. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER AMBER (tearing up) ...Yah-well, at least, y'know, I got to perform. And Mom got to see me. (crying) I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer... Loretta puts her arm around Amber. They walk off as Leslie and Pat approach. LESLIE Hey-hey, I'm Second Runner-up! Whooo! I got second place! PAT Third. LESLIE Huh? Lisa passes by with her parents. They look pissed. LISA No, it was worth it. Amber shoulda won. LISA'S FATHER I'll tell ya one thing. Peter never woulda pulled a shenanigan like that. LISA Well, y'know what, dad? Y'know what? Peter's gay! She runs off. Her parents stop DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS. LISA'S FATHER What?! DISSOLVE TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT CLOSE ON BECKY'S FACE. Flashes illuminate it. With each photo she changes her smile and expression. She loves this. PULL BACK to reveal two older men, with old-style news cameras, flash pictures. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So, how does it feel to be the new Mount Rose American Teen Princess, Becky? OLDER MEN turn and look at camera, then take out a pen and note pad. BECKY Well, it's all happenin' so fast. Goodness-gracious, it hardly seems real, y'know? I mean, I won! I'm the winner! I'm going to State! GLADYS She's the winner and we're going to state. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GIRL'S BATHROOM - DAY Fry Girl #1 and Pregnant Fry Girl smoke. FRY GIRL #1 What a surprise. Gladys Leeman's finally gonna go to State. And she'll probably ride on Becky's ass all the way to Nationals, too. PREGNANT FRY GIRL I wonder how she's gonna fix that one. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Are you ladies going to the parade tomorrow? PREGNANT FRY GIRL Nah. I think I'm like, due or somethin'. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - NEXT DAY Beautiful sunny day. Lester talks to camera. LESTER Ahhh. Beautiful as a whore's ass today. Eh, boys? In the b.g., Gladys holds a bullhorn, clipboard and points to a LARGE SWAN FLOAT. GLADYS (into bullhorn) Hey! Turn that float around. You think a swan's gonna swim ass first up Main Street? LESTER Yah-Gladys had me order that swan special made from Mexico (Me'hee'koe) in case Becky won. I do a lotta business with those people. I always offer to pay kem in tacos. (laughing) Whoo, they love that. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Entire town lines the road. The Mayor and the Leman family stand behind the red ribbon. Parade PARTICIPANTS are lined up behind them. MAYOR (into bullhorn) Yah-hello-hello...shit! How the fuck do ya work this damn thing, huh? Oh. Welcome to our first ever American Teen Princess Parade - which also happens to be the unveiling of our new sewer system! CHEERS! Becky cuts the ribbon. More CHEERS! MAYOR (cont'd) Yah-so, while Becky gets on her float, then, any questions kbout the new sewer? Yah, Clem? JUMP CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER THE PASSING PARADE: - THREE FAT VETS, dressed as the Revolutionary War trio, hold American, Minnesota and POW/MIA flags. - TWO BATON TWIRLERS stand in front of the Mount Rose High School Band. They play - way off key. - JUDGES wave from a convertible. Hank, in passenger's seat, struggles to get out. His seatbelt prevents it. - TWO GRUNGY OLD CLOWNS smoke impatiently. - TWO FAT WHITE MEN, dressed as Indians, sit on scooters. - FAT MAN drives a riding lawnmower, pulling a flatbed with A SPEEDBOAT and a FISHING CAMP GROUP. - FARMER pulls a goat with a sign: "Milk Me for $1.00" - A BRIGADE of tap dancing BASSOONISTS. EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET Harold and Hank pull over and park their truck. Harold quickly gets out, obviously in a hurry, slamming on a pouting Hank. HAROLD Let's get this straight right now. We wouldn't have been late at all if it wasn't for you. HANK I want to have the big bag of little donuts. HAROLD You get nothing, Hank, okay? HANK I want to get the big bag of little donuts. HAROLD There's your paint can. The next time you drink window cleaner, I'm just gonna leave it in ya. Harold rushes off for the parade, joining other folks carrying baskets, lawn chairs and flags on the sidewalk. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - BACK TO DOCUMENTARY CAMERA PAN OVER to see Gladys helping Becky climb on the swan, unaware of camera. In b.g., DOCUMENTARY CREW interviews Amber and Leslie on their convertible behind the swan float. GLADYS C'mon, Rebecca, you wanted it. Now get up there. Ride it side-saddle if you have to - like a horse. C'mon, now. BECKY It smells funny. Like gasoline. GLADYS Oh for chrissakes, everything smells like that in Mexico. BECKY My dress'll reek. GLADYS Listen, little missy, this cost your dad a pretty penny. Now get your ass up there and show me some teeth. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Amber and Leslie, in gowns, look unhappy as they stare straight ahead, exhaust fumes - that appear to come from the swan's ass - cover them and their old convertible. LESLIE Amber, if I die from these fumes, will you be sure to cover the hickies on my neck? AMBER Yeah... LESLIE And the bite marks on my ears? AMBER (slowly turning) Yes... LESLIE I know it doesn't matter, but on my inner thighs. AMBER Yes, Leslie! EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Hank rubs his head, then angrily gets out of the truck, SLAMMING THE DOOR ON ONE OF THE SUSPENDERS ON HIS OVERALLS. He starts to walk, but can't, eventually leaning out from the truck - only moving his arms as if walking. EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER Hank, still stuck in the door, is being teased by a GROUP OF KIDS who poke at him with flags and sticks. ANOTHER LITTLE KID taunts him with his cotton candy - keeping it just out of his reach. Hank bats at them like Frankenstein and the torch wielding townsfolk. EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER Hank, still stuck in the door, holds the little kid by the back of the shirt in one hand and eats the kid's cotton candy with the other. The kid struggles to get away. A few BROKEN FLAGS are scattered on the ground. HANK Help...Hank! Help...Hank! Help...Hank! Help...Hank! ON SWAN FLOAT. Gladys approaches. GLADYS Okay, I designed the float, you know. And, what's gonna happen here is that this is going to look like a glistening lake beneath the swan. IRIS Uh, Gladys? GLADYS What! IRIS We need more bars! GLADYS This is -- what? IRIS Enid ate a whole pan! GLADYS I swear to God she can't do anything by herself. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER AMBER (to camera) Oh-yah, this is exactly how I pictured it. Chokin' on swan gas. Suddenly, like a gasoline soaked pinata, it EXPLODES! Gladys is thrown back. Flames. Screaming. PANDEMONIUM! Becky doesn't have a chance. She's a pink taffeta BALL OF FIRE. The swan's back eventually collapses taking Becky into it's burning belly. INTERCUT WITH MR. HOWARD'S VIDEO. Gladys watches in stunned silence as her daughter and only chance at State go up in flames. Suddenly, she CRACKS! GLADYS Oh my God! My Baby! The swan ate my baby! (grabbing at burning float) Ow-ow-ow! Get up, Rebecca! Get outta there! We've gotta go to State! Oh hot! (she scorches her blouse) Oh, damn. I like this blouse. Rebecca! Get up, angel face. Time to go to State! Ow-ow-ow! Eventually, Gladys tries to climb up on the float. Iris pulls her off. GLADYS (cont'd) Get offa me, you cow! Gladys spins and notices the silent CROWD. GLADYS (cont'd) What're you lookin' at? Huh? A whole God Damn town of losers! That's what I'm lookin' at! Crowd reacts. Gladys notices Amber and runs up to her car. GLADYS (cont'd) You! You piece-a-shit trailer trash! This shoulda been you! Damn, I shoulda killed you when I had the The crows reacts again. Gladys spins, noticing someone. Lester approaches. GLADYS (cont'd) Hey, Ted, sorry. I didn't know your family was in the garage when I set it on fire! LESTER Gladys! Stop it! GLADYS Guess it wasn't a garage sale as much as it was a bake sale. Ah- hahahahahahahaha! Lester tries to pull her away from the crowd. GLADYS (cont'd) Let go-a-me, you old bastard! She grabs a BURNING 2X4 off a float and starts swinging it. GLADYS (cont'd) At least you've got another daughter. CROWD GASPS. Then stunned SILENCE. CAMERA CIRCLES Gladys and Lester getting reaction shots of the crowd. LESTER So help me, Gladys. GLADYS Becky was my only shot at state! LESTER That's enough! GLADYS Let go! Let go of me. Oh my God, it's COPS! TWIN OFFICERS, followed by "COPS" TV CREW, run up and aggressively tackle Gladys. As the struggle on the ground continues, crew guys go over and shake hands with the "COPS" crew - obviously knowing them. GLADYS (cont'd) (pointing to Lester) He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms! The COPS crew begins to mingle with the DOCUMENTARY crew. SCOTT Hey, man, how're you doin'? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Hi! What's up, Scott? You remember Bruce, right? SCOTT Long time, no see. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Bruce, that's Roy. (they shake hands) Roy, Bruce. EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY Lovely hillside. A PASTOR and TOWN FOLK - heads bowed - stand beside a FRESH GRAVE. PASTOR That's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow that we turn over to you a young woman whose dream of ridin' on a giant swan brought about her untimely death. Maybe it's your way of telling us to buy American. EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER The funeral is over. Amber, Loretta, Iris and Servettes awkwardly face each other beside the grave. Iris takes the PARTIALLY MELTED TIARA from the headstone. IRIS As, uh, actin' President of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes, it's my duty since Becky can't fulfill her duties - kcause she's dead-n-all - to make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess. She puts the TIARA on AMBER. Loretta FLASHES pictures. MALE REPORTER #1 Turn around and let me see. EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER Annette, Amber (wearing her tiara) and Loretta are leaving the crowning ceremony. All are happy as they push an extremely drugged Annette out of the cemetery. LORETTA What is wrong with you? AMBER I don't know. I just didn't wanna win like this. LORETTA You stop right there. You are a good person. Good things happen to good people. AMBER Really? LORETTA No. It's pure bullshit, sweetie. You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it. Let's get you a root beer float. AMBER Okay. LORETTA Do you guys want some shots? I'm buyin'. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY Amber sits on the picnic table. In the b.g., Loretta exits her trailer with a FED-EX GUY. She pats his buns as he exits. She approaches Amber with a packet. AMBER (V.O.) I never liked her, but she didn't deserve to die in the belly of a swan like that. The whole thing's just kinda sad and lame at the same time. LORETTA (handing over packet) This came for you, sweetie. AMBER Ah! It's from State! Oh my God! Amber rips it open and holds up a color brochure with COLLEEN and TERRY in a glamour shot on the cover. AMBER (cont'd) (paging through packet) It's all the stuff I get to do. Oh my God, oh my God... Okay, okay... We get a "personal consultation" with a make- up artist -- Eeeh! Okay, um, there'll be a choreographer to the stars and, oh no -- No way. Oh... My... God! LORETTA What? For chrissakes, spit it out. AMBER I'll be stayin' overnight at... The Airport Howard Johnsons! LORETTA Right by the airport - Oh, Amber... AMBER There's an indoor swimming pool! Ahhhh! Loretta joins in the screaming. AMBER (cont'd) Oh crap - I only got four days. I gotta practice! EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - MORNING MONTAGE BEGINS over MUSIC. Amber emerges from Loretta's trailer, Pop Tart in mouth, book bag in hand. SMILES. WAVES. EXT. TRAILER PARK Taps her way down the road, out of the trailer park. INT. CAFETERIA - MONTAGE Amber scrapes trays. PAN DOWN. She wears tap shoes, practices her routine. INT. HOSPITAL - MONTAGE - DAY Amber walks around the room in high heels, balancing a bedpan on her head. INT. MORTUARY - MONTAGE Amber dances around the room, using a suit on a hanger as a partner. A naked old man is on the embalming slab, a sheet covering his nasties. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - NIGHT In silhouette, Amber taps on the picnic table by the light of the FULL HARVEST MOON. DIP TO BLACK: EXT. AIRPORT HOWARD JOHNSONS - DAY WHITE LETTERS ON BLACK: "STATE FINALS" We look up at the towering Howard Johnsons and see a huge banner which reads: "WELCOME AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS, FRIED CLAM PLATTER $9.99." Suddenly, a 747, not more than thirty feet above the hotel, flies over - the sound is deafening. LORETTA All right, say "Airport Ho-Jo." AMBER Airport Ho-Jo! LORETTA I got it! Yeah, why don't ya take a Mr. Larson unloads Amber's luggage from the hearse. Loretta leans against it, arm around Amber, smoking and occasionally flipping off people who stop to stare at this unusual sight. AMBER Loretta, don't do that. LORETTA I'm sorry. They're just starin'. AMBER I gotta work with these women. LORETTA Okay, sweetie, that's all right. Let's go. Let's go. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA There's a fake tropical look, with loads of plastic palms, etc. CAMERA FOLLOWS Amber into area. BANNER: "STATE FINALS - SPONSORED BY THE MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY" Contestants (25) sit at tables, they seem more mature, more professional. Amber smiles and gives a little wave. Terry approaches Amber. TERRY And you are... AMBER Mount Rose American Teen Princess. TERRY Funny, you don't look dead. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Colleen and Terry address the assembled contestants. SUPER: COLLEEN DOUGLAS AND TERRY MACEY - MINNESOTA AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS STATE BOARD AND OWNERS OF THE MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY COLLEEN Okay ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen Douglas and this raving beauty on my right -- TERRY I'm a mirror. COLLEEN Correction. This spunky monkey on my right is Terry Macey. And we are your Minnesota American Teen Princess State Board. TERRY We're also the co-founders of the Minnesota Modeling Academy. Applications are at the tiki bar. We'll wave the fifty dollar application fee if you list a friend and put her address. COLLEEN That's right. TERRY Okay? COLLEEN Mm-hm. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA Loretta, seated at the bar, puts her arm around a man next to her. LORETTA So...you're cute. Oh, I see you're married. (to bartender) You catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present. All right? Open wide... (she throws the olive) Oh, God, you got that on the first try. Come here. Loretta kisses the bartender. LORETTA (cont'd) You are cute. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - COURTYARD STAGE AREA - DAY TERRY Due to budgetary cutbacks - and the fact that Nationals didn't cough up a damn nickel this year - you won't be stayin' overnight. So pay attention, you've got about eight hours until showtime. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY A DISCO BEAT POUNDS from a boom box. Mr. Melchoir, the choreographer, watches contestants move in fast-paced crisscrossing formations. Amber is among them. Miss St. Paul screws up. MR. MELCHOIR Remember to count, ladies. Cross on the left and arms up on eight! On the beat! On the beat! Keep on it! Keep movin' it! C'mon, Miss Forest Lake, take that stick out of your ass or I will. All right. Very nice. Now come on, arms out. We're in the front row. Come on, sell it! That's very nice. Remember, figure eights, ladies... INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Colleen and Terry smoke and drink at a tall tiki table that's covered with empties. In the b.g., a pageant worker passes out PINK BAGS to the contestants. All the while, TWO FAT KIDS play "Marco Polo" in the pool. COLLEEN (tipsy, holding up glass) I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass. I look at it and say, "it's half full." Which, in the beauty pageant biz means, "Where the hell's my waiter!" She laughs hard, then spins around in her chair. COLLEEN (cont'd) (screaming) Stop with the fuckin' Marco-Polo before I rip your fat little heads off! INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS A very mature Miss Burnsville talks to Amber who is staring at Miss Burnsville's supernaturally well- supported chest. MR. MELCHOIR Miss Burnsville, you're up next... JUMP CUT TO: INT. STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS - MOMENTS LATER Amber sits addressing the camera. Miss Burnsville is gone. AMBER Don't tell anyone, but, I have a little secret weapon of my own. Amber pulls out a jar of Vaseline from her purse and smiles innocently. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET - DAY Contestants hungrily fill their plates with seafood. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET Amber stands beside the buffet, holding only a salad. AMBER I don't eat shellfish. Mom always says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can carry its house around with it - who knows the last time it's been cleaned." She should know. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA Amber eats at a tall tiki table with Miss Minneapolis. MISS MINNEAPOLIS ... I've done about thirty-five pageants. I guess my most memorable one'd have to be Miss Teen America, 1995. It was in Vegas. My roommate did Adam West. SUPER: MR. WEST WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT MISS MINNEAPOLIS (cont'd) She said he was sooo horny. Amber stares at her with wide-eyed disbelief. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY Amber watches four contestants in a row practice their talents. All are equally amazing. "THEME from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" starts. Miss Minneapolis steps ON STAGE - silver unitard, silver streamers, silver tap shoes. She starts a TAP ROUTINE that RIVALS AMBER'S. AMBER (whispering to camera) Oh my God. Look at her, she's awesome. I should just go home now. Terry and Colleen stand in front of the stage. TERRY Okay, okay, that's enough - I get it. SUDDENLY Miss Minneapolis FREEZES. MISS MINNEAPOLIS Oh - oh my God... (doubling over in pain) I gotta go! She runs off toward the RESTROOM. COLLEEN (calling after her) Well, you're gonna have to do somethin' with those nerves before Nationals. Thirty-million people aren't gonna wait while you run to the john. Other waiting contestants suddenly double over, ad- libbing "oh no! oh my God!" "I'm gonna puke!" etc. More contestants grab their bellies. NEWS FOOTAGE: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - MORE FOOTAGE FEMALE REPORTER (hand on earpiece) Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly. A salmonella dysentery outbreak, now traced to improperly refrigerated shellfish, was believed to be the cause. Joining us now is David Richardson, a member of the documentary crew filming the pageant. He was there when tragedy struck. TELEVISION SET CREW GUY Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks everywhere. I've never seen anything like it before, and I live in L.A. (laughs) Hey, Ed. FEMALE REPORTER #2 Can you tell us any thing about the controversy? Is there a controversy here? Has there been sabotage? Follow REPORTER as she runs over to Amber, Colleen and Terry. All three look dazed. Reporters SHOUT questions. COLLEEN (with forced sobriety) People, people - wait, wait a minute, here. Uh, while we haven't ruled out sabotage from neighboring state pageants - Iowa, Wisconsin, North Dakota... TERRY Yeah. COLLEEN Dakota. TERRY Ohio... COLLEEN That bitch from... TERRY What? COLLEEN Wisconsin. TERRY All right, then. COLLEEN The bitch. TERRY The important thing is that we have a winner... PULL BACK to reveal we're: INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - BAR - NIGHT The mayor and other vets, watch Amber on the TV. COLLEEN (ON T.V.) And, on behalf of the Minnesota Modeling Academy, we proudly present Amber Atkins. Your new Minnesota American Teen Princess. The place ERUPTS in CHEER! ON TV: Terry sets a tiara on Amber's head. FLASHES. MAYOR Yah, ain't it just a kick in the fuckin' ass!?!? I'll be a snake's prick if tragedy and pageants ain't got a way of bringin' folks together... (directly at camera) Yous boys tell me when want me to start, okay? INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY IONA Amber?! What-the-hell's goin' on around here? I'm Mount Rose American Teen Princess. Where the hell's my tiara? I bet those sneaky little Japs took it... INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT Cathy and other townsfolk are glued to a small TV set on the counter. FEMALE REPORTER (ON T.V.) Amber, how do you feel? AMBER I, uh... I feel like... I, uh, I need a shower. Townsfolk laugh and cheer. CATHY Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph I hope Gladys Leeman hangs herself in her cell when she hears this. INT. WOMEN'S PRISON - REC ROOM ROUGH HAND HELD FOOTAGE. We see Gladys walking around, holding onto the back of a large black woman's belt. GLADYS Uh-huh. No, no. Gosh, no. You know I still don't want to be on camera... SUPER: PHONE INTERVIEW WITH GLADYS LEEMAN FROM MINNETONKA WOMEN'S FACILITY GLADYS (V.O. ON THE PHONE) Yah - I just wanna say - that little bitch better watch her back at Nationals kcause I'm makin' friends on the inside... Yah-friends who have friends on the outside... FEMALE PRISONER Get your sweet ass off the bunk, Cinnamon. GLADYS (V.O. ON PHONE) Gotta go. Click. DIAL TONE. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY Annette (left arm's been amputated and replaced with metal pincers which she hasn't mastered yet) sits at the picnic table with Amber and Loretta. Throughout the following, Annette struggles to open a beer can which keeps flying out of her pincers. (Handmade "congratulations" posters cover the lawn and trailer.) AMBER I just, I just can't believe it. I'm Minnesota's American Teen Princess! LORETTA Our baby's going to Nationals! Lincoln, Alabama - look out! AMBER I'm gonna be on TV! Just like Diane Sawyer. Annette opens a beer with a new HOOK replacing her hand. LORETTA Annette, just use your hand. ANNETTE They told me to practice. AMBER Okay, ready? Here's the signal I'm gonna give Ma when I'm on TV. Amber MIMES inhaling a cigarette and Annette embraces her. ANNETTE My little Carol Burnett. EXT. AIR FIELD In the middle of a corn field. The "runaway" is a gravel path cut between rows of corn. A FOUR-SEATER plane is on the runway, in front of a group of town folk with hand- made "good luck" signs. Amber (in Minnesota sash and tiara) and the Mayor stand beside the plane. (NOTE: The plane never moves.) EXT. AIR FIELD - LATER MAYOR (into bullhorn) Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen Princess - soon to be the next America's American Teen Princess - our little Amber! ZOOM IN ON AMBER as PEOPLE cheer Amber on. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY A giant Sarah Rose Cosmetics logo on the wall greets Amber. SUPER: SARAH ROSE COSMETICS NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS, LINCOLN, ALABAMA. The CONTESTANTS, including Amber, look around for the directory. It reads: FOR LEASE. A sign at the front of the building reads: SEIZED. SUPER: IN ITS FIFTIETH YEAR, SARAH ROSE COSMETICS WAS SEIZED BY THE IRS FOR TAX EVASION... As the CAMERA catches the reactions of our contestants - SUPER: THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT WAS CANCELED... We STOP on MISS OKLAHOMA. She SCREAMS SUPER: ...PERMANENTLY EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY As the contestants run out the building... SUPER: BUT IN ITS PASSING WE ARE INSPIRED BY THE SPIRIT OF THE MANY YOUNG WOMEN WHO WERE ITS HEART AND SOUL... Contestants THROW and HURL suitcases and items through the glass of the building. SUPER: ...AND BY THE MANY WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN PURSUIT OF THE TITLE... The contestants TEAR DOWN the Sarah Rose Logo. DIP TO BLACK: EXT. CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY A very perky Leslie Miller, with very big hair, stands out front in a white lab coat. She smiles and waves to camera. SUPER: LESLIE MILLER ENTERED "THE CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY"... EXT. STRIP BAR - NIGHT A COLOR PHOTO of slightly less perky Leslie, wearing go- go boots and a smile, dances in a cage. SUPER: SHE WAS LAST HEARD FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE PHILIPPINES. IF YOU SEE HER, PLEASE CALL 1-800-X-QUEEN. DIP TO BLACK: INT./EXT. HARDWARE HANK It's a lovely shot of the front window SUPER: HAROLD VILMES DIED UNEXPECTEDLY OF LYMES DISEASE FROM A DEER TICK BITE Suddenly, HANK, buck naked, runs back and forth past the window, spanking himself and waving "hi." SUPER CONT: LEAVING HANK THE STORE DIP TO BLACK: EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET MOLLY HOWARD is being helped into a van with "Lutheran Children's Orphanage" painted on the side. She looks sad. SUPER: MOLLY HOWARD RETURNED TO THE "LUTHERAN CHILDREN'S ORPHANAGE" AFTER HER PARENTS WERE GUNNED DOWN BY A SNIPER OUTSIDE THE FOOD SHACK. INT. ROOM - DAY CLOSE UP of a newspaper photo of Gladys. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN ENTERED A STATE-WIDE PRISON BEAUTY PAGEANT... The banner and hat she wears read: MINNESOTA 2ND PLACE, CELL BLOCK SUPER: ...SHE CAME IN SECOND. INSERT: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES "EX-BEAUTY QUEEN ESCAPES PRISON, VOWS "REVENGE ON MOUNT ROSE" EXT. MAIN STREET - FOOD SHACK Gladys, wearing Army Fatigues and brandishing a semi- automatic rifle aimed at the FOOD SHACK, holds off a S.W.A.T. team. GLADYS Come on out, you little blonde piece of trailer park trash! LOCAL NEWSCAST Female reporter is on the scene of the Gladys Leeman stand-off outside the food shack. We see Amber, Annette (with hook hand) and other town folk behind her, watching the action. "LIVE" flashes on screen. SUPER: DURING THE SIX-HOUR GLADYS LEEMAN STAND-OFF FEMALE REPORTER We are here in the sixth hour of a shoot-out between Gladys Leeman - MAN AT FOOD SHACK Get down! The female reporter suddenly stiffens and falls over. SUPER: LOCAL REPORTER PAT MILES WAS STRUCK BY A STRAY POLICE BULLET. Amber steps under the police barricade, over Pat's body, takes the mic and continues the newscast. She's a natural. AMBER This is Amber Atkins reporting live from the Food Shack for...KRLH News. One of our reporters has just been shot. SUPER: AMBER, SHOWING AMAZING POISE UNDER PRESSURE, WAS GIVEN HER JOB. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MINNEAPOLIS NEWS STATION Amber, now looking like a Midwestern news anchor, sits with a BLOND MALE ANCHOR. A LOGO in B.G. reads: TV WAZB TWIN CITIES. BLONDE NEWS ANCHOR I'm Peter Aitchison. AMBER And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZB News. SUPER: ...was given her job. AMBER (cont'd) Good night. As they smile and laugh, we: FADE OUT.DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to the folks. TONY Yeah, all right. IRIS The Judges Interview. EXT. DRUGSTORE - MAIN STREET - DAY JOHN DOUGH - pharmacist, 30-ish, thin, nervous - chain smokes outside the drugstore. SUPER: JUDGE #1, JOHN DOUGH DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of pageants over the years? JOHN Nope. No. Uh-uh. Never judged a pageant before in my life. Nope. No way. Never around young girls. Even if I was, why would I wanna be, y'know? I-I-I don't get off on that kinda thing and that's really why you're askin', right? S-someone say somethin'? EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - MAIN STREET - DAY HAROLD - owner, late 40's - stands in front of this grubby little store front with his MILDLY RETARDED BROTHER, HANK, who SNIFFS and MUMBLES CONSTANTLY. SUPER: JUDGE #2, HAROLD VILMES DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you judge the pageant every year? HAROLD ...Nope. Never judged nothin' afore -- HANK (pointing at camera) Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" HAROLD Shut up, Hank. This here's business. Harold CUFFS Hank. HANK Ow, Harold - Mom said not the head. HAROLD Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap. HANK I will if you shut your piehole. HAROLD Don't make me kick-ya where the good Lord split-ya. Harold raises his hand, Hank FLINCHES and EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So are you excited? HAROLD ...Oh you betcha! We're happier than the day Hanky got acquitted. I get made a judge, then the furniture store hires us to paint the whole damn thing. (removing cap) We're gonna use the money to get our mamma a proper headstone. Oh, and move her out to the cemetery. Suddenly, Hank runs full speed into the window. BAM! He falls to the ground inside. INT. LEEMAN FURNITURE SHOWROOM - DAY Follow Lester around cheesy room displays. JEAN KANGAS, his meek, middle-aged secretary follows him everywhere. Lester CALLS OUT to a YOUNG COUPLE sitting in a dining room. LESTER Hey Tim, Carla - if yous kids don't try to Jew me down none, I'll throw in a matchin' hutch. The COUPLE smiles excitedly. LESTER (cont'd) (to camera) See, that there's my specialty. Don't pay me less and I'll give ya more. (sotto) Secret is, the hutch is included in the price. Ain't that right, Jean? Lester smacks Jean on the ass. SUPER: JUDGE #3, JEAN KANGAS. LESTER (cont'd) Take a memo, sweetheart. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR REHEARSAL MONTAGE BEGINS OVER MUSIC. Contestants run out the side door as if running on stage. Tess Weinhaus trips and falls, causing a chain reaction. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR - LATER Now contestants run out carrying small wooden step ladders. As they reach the CHORUS LINE, they set the ladder down and LEAP FROG over. SUPER: FIRST DANCE REHEARSAL - 1 WEEK BEFORE PAGEANT CHLORIS Four, five, six, seven. And one. Tess runs out, sets her ladder down, jumps and hits mid- crotch. She then slides painfully down to the ground. CHLORIS (cont'd) Put that chair away! Get it! Come on! Get it! Amber TWIRLS perfectly. CHLORIS (cont'd) All right. Let's got. Let's go. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS PAN ACROSS NEIGHBORS' sitting in lawn chairs, enjoying the music and the show. END ON JOHN DOUGH, leaning against his car, smoking and holding a video camera at his side. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN PAN DOWN row doing a seated chorus line on ladders. Most suck. Amber and Becky look great. Tess sits on the grass with a bag of ice on her crotch. EXT. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK On John Dough, beside his car. JOHN I'm just out here watching the young girls - contestants - like the rest of my friends and neighbors... John quickly turns and starts to pry the hood open. ANGLE ON Pat and Brett watch the girls. Pat admires Amber's moves. PAT (re: Amber) Are you gettin' her? Uh, the third one, the blonde one. BRETT Hey. PAT See? Right over there. Right over there. Brett slaps Pat on the back. BRETT Leave him alone, leave him alone. It's okay. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN John, his car hood open, is caught aiming his video camera at the girls performing a dance. They wear partially constructed U.S. Monument Headdresses. JOHN Oh, this is just a...camera. I keep it in the glove compartment for car accidents. Insurance... You guys got a camera and no one's accusin' you of anything, right? INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN Move through kitchen. LUNCH LADIES haul, serve and prepare food. Pan over to Amber, who's unhappily scraping and spraying lunch trays as they're dropped off at her window. Becky, flirting her ass off, comes to the window with Brett, handsome football player we saw before. Both carry trays. BECKY So, Brett, do you wanna go to the lake with me on Thursday? BRETT Um, actually, I got practice on Thursday. BECKY ...Yah-well, maybe Friday, then. A bunch of us were gonna go cow-tippin'. SUPER: BRETT CLEMMENS, CAPTAIN, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM BRETT (seeing Amber) Uh, I-uh-I'm kinda busy Friday. Amber looks up to see Brett looking at her. He smiles. She smiles. You can feel the attraction. Amber becomes girlishly self-conscious -- adjusting her rubber apron and brushing hair out of her eyes with her big rubber gloves. BRETT (cont'd) (to Amber) Hi... AMBER Hi. Becky notices their attraction and goes from flirt to uber-bitch in a heartbeat. BECKY Giver her your tray, Brett. You're holdin' up the line. Brett looks at Beck, then at Amber, not wanting to make her clean his tray. BRETT Uh... BECKY Give it to her! AMBER Here, I'll take it. It's my job. BRETT NO... (looking at Becky) It's all right. I got it. Don't worry about it. He takes the sprayer from a surprised Amber and starts to clean off his own tray. Becky can't believe his defiance. AMBER Well, you're supposed to put it in the... Becky THROWS her tray on the counter spraying Amber with food as she storms off. BRETT (cont'd) Oh man, you got leutefisk in your hair. AMBER Then it must be Wednesday. INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY Same scene as "funeral bun" explanation. IONA Leutefisk is Cod Fish that's been salted and soaked in lye for a week or so. It's best with lots-a butter. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN Same scene. Brett removes the offending leutefisk. BRETT So, uh, I-I'm not really busy Friday. I just said that - y'know. AMBER I know. BRETT So if, uh, you wanted to do somethin'... AMBER AMBER/BRETT Huntin' season. Shocked at the coincidence, they share a laugh. BRETT Well, uh, I'm cuttin' out early today to do a little duck huntin'...but, uh, maybe I could call you tonight. AMBER Yah-sure, fine...fine. BRETT Okay...well, bye. AMBER Bye. Amber smiles, gives a shy little wave - then, to camera. AMBER (cont'd) Oh, God - you don't think Becky saw you guys, do you? (nervously looking around) Look, you just shouldn't be in here... DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) It's okay. Doreen gave us hair nets. AMBER No, listen. (whispering as she exits) We shouldn't talk here. Stop by my house tonight, okay? She looks around and motions them to rush off. EXT. HIGHWAY NEAR TRAILER PARK - EVENING From the CREW VAN we pass the crappy trailer homes that are off the Highway. (Patsy Cline's "King Of The Road" PLAYS on the radio). EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING Camera approaches the trailer. SIGN on the door reads "Annette's Family Hair Care." Inside, the kitchen has been turned into a mini hair salon. Annette gives Loretta, neighbor, mid-50's - a bouffant. LORETTA What do you mean, they take out her butt? ANNETTE (seeing camera in window) Oh, Jesus H. Christ! LORETTA Are we on "Cops" again? ANNETTE You could be quiet. LORETTA Hi. ANNETTE Hi. JUMP CUT TO: INT. ATKINS TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER ANNETTE It's just the guys that are...you know, makin' the movie about the pageant. I told you about kem. LORETTA Oh, naw. Hi. ANNETTE This here's Loretta. LORETTA I tell Annette, I says, "You talk to me durin' my stories, you might as well be talkin' to the wall." (then) You guys want a beer? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) No, thank you. Is Amber here? ANNETTE No. You just missed her. Amber got called in to the bone gardens tonight. You just missed her. She's in a helluva mood today, anyways. LORETTA Say, yous boys been to the Leeman's? ANNETTE Loretta, shut it. LORETTA Y'know, if you have, you got all the pictures of the winner you need. ANNETTE Shut it up, Loretta. LORETTA Oh, Christ, it's true. Annette begins to comb out Loretta's hair. LORETTA (drinking beer) Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win is Amber. ANNETTE (mumbled to self) Why don't you paint a big red target on your ass, Loretta. LORETTA She's the prettiest, y'know. The best damn tapper. The most smartest... ANNETTE "Most smartest?" Oh, that's good, Loretta. Make sure you get a picture of that. "Most smartest." We're cuttin you off and sendin' you home. Annette takes Loretta's beer, starts to push her out. LORETTA Well, excuse me, Annette, but I'm braggin' up your kid, here. (to crew) Amber's gonna be the next Diane Sawyer, y'know... ANNETTE I'll be right back. See ya later. CAMERA follows Annette and Loretta. ANNETTE (cont'd) They're makin' a movie, here, goddamn it. LORETTA All right, they're makin' a movie. ANNETTE You don't know where this is gonna... LORETTA I got a hairdo. JUMP CUT TO: EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING Loretta holds onto the door frame so Annette can't push her out. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) What makes you think that Becky's going to win? LORETTA Why do I think Becky'll win? You're talkin'... (to Annette) Don't pinch!. (back into camera) You're talkin' kbout the richest family in a small town. It's front page news when one of kem takes a shit. (she laughs hard) Can one of yous boys give me a ride home? ANNETTE Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down. LORETTA So? Be real easy. ANNETTE Go on home, Loretta. Come on. Go on, the party's over. LORETTA Anyone? INT. LARSON FUNERAL HOME - HALLWAY - NIGHT A small sign on the door reads: "EMBALMING - Please Knock!" PUSH INTO ROOM. Amber, back to us, frantically applies blusher to an OLD WOMAN. Another BODY, covered with a white sheet, is on the embalming slab. The top and brim of a HUNTING CAP can be seen. She TURNS AROUND to see the crew. AMBER (cont'd) (surprised) Ahhh! Je-sus-Christ-on-a-cross! (catching breath) Look, number one rule in a funeral home - never sneak up on the livin'. You never know who could have an embalming needle or skull saw in their hand. Mr. Larson's son learned that the hard way - he's buried next to my Grandpa! Amber turns to the slab to continue working. She pulls off the SHEET to reveal BRETT, handsome football player, still wearing his hunting plaid. JUMP CUT TO: INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) AMBER (covering real emotions) Upset about Brett? Nah. Hazard of the trade. I don't really have time for guys anyways. It's weird, though. He took it right between the eyes. Don't often see that. EXT. GUN RANGE - DAY Becky thumbs bullets into a 12-gauge pump shotgun. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So you know, Brett just got shot in the head. BECKY (cool as a cucumber) He did? Well, huntin's dangerous...So, anyways, my mom gave me this 30-aught for my sixteenth birthday... INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER Amber wipes her eyes when Mr. Larson bursts in. MR. LARSON Amber, I need Stella now! SUPER: MR. LARSON, OWNER, LARSON FUNERAL PARLOR MR. LARSON (cont'd) The family's steamin' like a cow pie in July. Said she didn't look nothin' like the picture they gave you. Amber turns from Brett and closes the coffin. AMBER Sorry. I just thought she might not wanna meet her Maker lookin' like a cheap whore. MR. LARSON Well, your "cheap whore" is this family's "lovin' mother." (pointing at Brett) The Clemens said to make him look like he just came from snowmobilin'. Pink cheeks, and... AMBER (starting to mist up) -- red nose and ears. I know, I know. Mr. Larson PULLS Stella's coffin out. INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER An obviously upset Amber puts make-up on Brett. AMBER Sorry I couldn't talk today kcause...I'm scared, okay? (deep breath) I open my locker right after first period and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside. JUMP CUT TO: INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER Amber holds up a snapshot of a SMILING GIRL on a THRESHER. AMBER This was written on back. She turns the picture over to reveal, "YOU'RE NEXT!" EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET TWIN OFFICERS lean against their car. One prepares to pack some snuff. TWIN OFFICER #1 Oh-yah, helluva way to go, there. After some extensive investigation, we figure the Curry girl musta been drivin' and smokin' and KABLEWEY! TWIN OFFICER #2 (holding a Skoal tin) Not enough left of her to fill a tin. He puts a pinch between his cheek and gum. INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER A visibly upset Amber still applies make-up to Brett. AMBER Yah-sure, Tammy liked to driver her dad's thresher - she said the heavy vibration helped her think, y'know? But I know for a fact she only smoked after a good drive. You ask me or anyone else who isn't scared to talk about it - Tammy was murdered. (holding back tears) God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this... (to crew guy) Toss me "Caucasian #5," would ya? A crew guy walks IN FRAME and hands her a make-up jar. AMBER (cont'd) Man, I can't wait for fishin' season... Mr. Larson bursts in, white as a corpse. MR. LARSON Amber... AMBER No, don't say it. Another stray bullet to the head. She adjusts Brett's red plaid hunting cap. AMBER (cont'd) I'm gonna need more caps. MR. LARSON You hafta go home. There's some kinda emergency at the trailer park. AMBER Relax, that's my ma's code for, "Bring home milk and a carton-a Luckys." MR. LARSON No. Loretta called. There's been a... a fire. She grabs the keys and RUNS OUT. EXT. TRAILER PARK STREET/INT. HEARSE - NIGHT Amber drives fast and furious as we come to what's left of her trailer. All the NEIGHBORS are out drinkin' beers, eatin' food and watchin' the excitement. AMBER Oh my God - no! Is my mom okay? Was she home? Hearse SCREECHES to a halt. We hear a THUD, then MOANS from in back. Amber jumps out. Camera follows, a la "COPS." It's pandemonium with fire trucks, neighbors, an ambulance, etc. AMBER (cont'd) Mom! Mom!? MOMMMM! Loretta runs up to Amber as TWO FIREMEN approach. FIREMAN #1 You family? LORETTA No, she's just screamin' "Mom, Mom!" kcause she's got Tourettes... She's Annette's kid, dipshit. AMBER (to Loretta) Is Mom okay? LORETTA She's alive, sweetie. AMBER Where is she?! LORETTA She's right over there. Camera pans over to see a semi-conscious Annette as they load her stretcher into the ambulance, shut the doors and start to pull away. Amber runs after them. AMBER Mommmm! I'll be right behind you in the hearse! LORETTA Don't let that worry you, Annette! EST. SHOT - FARMINGTON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM A DOCTOR, Amber and Loretta stand beside Annette, who's got an I.V., bandages and her LEFT HAND wrapped and ELEVATED. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So, doctor, is this sort of an unusual injury here? DOCTOR Oh you betcha, this was a doozy. Right now, our chief concern is to stabilize Annette, then, in surgery, remove this here. Removing BANDAGE to reveal BEER CAN, still held in her hand. AMBER Oh, Mom, it's so ugly. ANNETTE Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press- ons. (weak) Well, I sat down for a beer and KA- BLEWEY! Next thing I know, somethin' blows through my kitchen window. Next thing I know, I'm ass up in Loretta's flower bed. EXT. TRAILER PARK - DUSK SHAKY VIDEO of a 15 year-old rocker KID from the NECK ROCKER KID #1 (Beavis with a MN accent) Yah-dude, put another fuckin' book under it. ROCKER KID #2 (O.S.) Don't say "fuckin'." My ma's got the windows open. CAMERA MOVES, then steadies. We see all of Rocker Kid #1. Rocker Kid #2 runs into the shot with his guitar. ROCKER KID #2 (cont'd) kKay-dude, hurry. We gots like two fuckin' minutes left on the battery. ROCKER KID #1 A one...two...one-two-three... SUDDENLY Annette's' trailer EXPLODES behind them! Rocker Kids turn to see a BODY (Annette's) FLY through the air. ROCKER KIDS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM ANNETTE (to Amber) I shoved your tap shoes in my jeans before I was blown outta the house, Honey. Check with the guy who cut my pants off. He should have kem. AMBER Mom, uh, about that...I-I'm-oh God... Amber starts to cry and runs out. ANNETTE Oh-Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph, she's pregnant! (calling after her) If you are - come back, sweetie. Mommy wants to talk, then KILL YOU! LORETTA (running after Amber) Annette, why don't you just see if there's any beer left in that can and relax a bit. INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT Loretta and Amber face off. LORETTA You're what?! AMBER I-I'm quittin' the pageant. LORETTA I heard you, I was just tryin' to scare you into changin' your mind. Oh for Chrissakes, Amber, the woman clung to your tap shoes while flyin' through the air like a Goddamn lawn dart! AMBER Oh God, I'm dead... A candy striper approaches them. CANDY STRIPER Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her friend Serious Sally, how kbout some nice cool mints to turn those frowns upside-down. "S." LORETTA (to candy striper) D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if I shoved your head up your ass? Fear sweeps over the Candy Striper - she bolts down the hall! Loretta puts an arm around Amber and starts to walk down the opposite direction. AMBER So, what do I say? LORETTA Simple. Just say, "Mom, I know you sacrificed everything - relationships, dreams - your tummy, ass and thighs - all to bring me into this world. All so I could have tap lessons and be in the pageant - the same one you were in. But, y'know what? I'm quittin'." There. Easy as pie. AMBER Oh my God. I'm so dead... LORETTA Yeah, you betcha... INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - NIGHT Follow Amber in past the now crying candy striper. ANNETTE (throwing mints) Go on! Get out! AMBER Mom, look, don't say anything. First of all, I'm not pregnant. Amber sits on the bed. Annette grabs her shirt. AMBER (cont'd) Mom! ANNETTE I ain't lettin' go ktil you tell me what's up. I'm reaching' a point where I'd kill someone for the nicotine on their fingernails. AMBER (deep breath) Okay. Yesterday I...I got this picture. So I kinda, y'know, I'm thinkin' no. I'm gonna, I-I-I'm gonna quit the pageant. ANNETTE What?! She hits Amber with her beer-canned hand. AMBER Ow! ANNETTE (to camera) Would yous boys excuse us a second? Loretta, you too. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM SHOT THROUGH the window. Amber paces around Annette's bed. AMBER Nice mouth you got there, Mom, but I- I'm not goin' through this again. ANNETTE You're not goin' through this again? You? You're not the one who knows how Jiffy Pop feels. AMBER Oh, c'mon... First the picture of Tammy, then Brett Clemens, now this? It's scary. ANNETTE Let me tell you "scary," Amber. Look at me. Do you wanna look like you been rode hard and put away wet at my age? I'm a "lifer" here. Best I can hope for is to end up in a descent "raisin ranch" where they'll change me twice a day. AMBER That's it, I'm goin'... ANNETTE Honest to God, if I got to do it over? I'd start walkin' outta this town the minute I took my first step. Practically the only thing I wouldn't do different is have you... Amber sits on the bed. AMBER God I hope that's you and not your concussion talkin'. ANNETTE (smiling) It's me...I just don't want this to be the thing you'd do over. This pageant's your ticket outta here. I know you can win, Amber. ANNETTE (cont'd) C'mere. I love you so much. AMBER I love you much. Annette hugs Amber. INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT Follow a jubilant Amber and Loretta. LORETTA Hell-no, she ain't quittin'. AMBER No. Mom said if I did, she'd look up my dad and marry him. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So has your mom kept your dad's life a secret? AMBER No. She never hid the fact that my dad picked his career over us. What'd she used to say? LORETTA "Once a carnie, always a carnie." AMBER Oh-yah. EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - MORNING The twin officers lean against their car. TWIN OFFICER #1 The Atkins fire? Foul play? Shit-no. After some thorough investigatin', we determined it musta been a bad wirin'. Mosta them trailer-folk plug a TV, VCR, crock pot and Fry-daddy into one outlet and don't think nothin' of it ktil KABLEWEY! TWIN OFFICER #2 (taking a pinch of Skoal) Not enough left to fill a tin. INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - DAY Annette is in bad shape. The candy striper nervously stands beside her, holding a syringe. ANNETTE "Bad wirin'?!" Well, if that ain't the biggest crock-a-shit ever. (turning on the candy striper) Ooowwww-Jesus! Did K-Mart have a sale on dull needles? CANDY STRIPER I-I just need one more "do-over." EXT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. Follow the contestants up to the door. INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL A smokey room with DRUNKEN VETS at the bar and CONTESTANTS, in Sunday best, crowded around some tables. They couldn't seem more out of place. INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL SUPER: JUDGES INTERVIEWS - 3 DAYS BEFORE THE PAGEANT GLADYS So, remember the three most important parts of a good interview... IRIS Okay, everybody, listen up! GLADYS Number one, American Teen Princess' don't cross their legs like streetwalkers. The girls put their knees together. GLADYS (cont'd) Excuse me, Miss Penthouse Ninety- eight, put your knees together. (contestants laugh) I could drive a boat show in there. Gladys paces. GLADYS (cont'd) Ankles together. Hands resting lightly on your laps. Good. Sit up straight. Smile! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL GLADYS All right. Number two: the judges are as nervous as you are. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM JUDGES - HAROLD, JOHN and JEAN KANGAS (Lester's secretary) sit at a table, clipboards in front of them, STARING at the camera. HANKS sits behind them, fidgeting. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So are you about ready to start the judging - start the interview, there? JOHN (after long beat) Uh, I-I guess I could answer that. Yep. We're ready. So, we should probably get the young girls in here, then. Y'know, to start the interviews... V.F.W. - BACK ROOM Tess enters, sits, then quickly remembers how to sit. Judges nervously look at their clipboards - pencils ready. HAROLD (trouble reading) Uh, "if you could be any tree in the woods, what kinda tree would you be?" TESS (long pause) Dogwood. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON MOLLY HOWARD, seated. MOLLY Bonsai. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE, seated. LESLIE Green? V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON MICHELLE JOHANSON, seated. MICHELLE A tree? I can be any tree you want. Gimme a minute. She begins vocal and facial warm-up exercises. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON BECKY, seated. BECKY One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose, a solid Christian trunk and long leafy branches to provide shade for handicapped kids on a hot summer day. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LISA SWENSON, seated, staring for a long beat, then: LISA You guys know the retard's pants are open? (laughing) I don't want to see that. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON THE JUDGES - Harold reads, John stares longingly. HAROLD "Who would you pick to be president, dead or alive?" PAN OVER to Molly Howard. MOLLY Uh, Emperor Hirohito. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE, seated... LESLIE Brett Favre! V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON BECKY, seated. BECKY My mother, kcause she could solve world hunger with one of her blue- ribbon rhubarb pies, create world peace with one of her prayers and still find time to look beautiful...for my dad, Lester Leeman. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE John Dough drinks nervously from his water glass. JOHN D-do you like to swim? The other judges look at him, then at their clipboards trying to find this question. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LISA SWENSON LISA Oh-yah, I love to swim. When I was in New York, I met Greg Louganis at one-a my brothers' shows... V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE Janelle, sings a long answer. The Judges look at each other confused and frustrated. JOHN What the hell is she trying to say? (yelling) Say it! JANELLE The ktards pants are completely off! The Judges turn and look at Hank. HAROLD Close up shop. Close up shop, Hank. HANK Harold! HAROLD Close up shop! V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON HAROLD HAROLD You Amber Atkins? AMBER (O.S.) Yes. Yes I am. Thank you, hello. All judges turn a page on their clipboards. HAROLD "Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order." PAN OVER to a stunned Amber. AMBER Seriously? HAROLD (O.S.) Ah-yep. Amber can't believe what she's hearing. AMBER Well, ah...Alabama. A-L-A-B-A-M-A. Alaska. A-L-A-S-K-A. Arizona. A-R-I- Z-O-N-A. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE AMBER West Virginia. W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-N-I-A. Wisconsin. W-I-S-C-O-N-S-O-N. Wyoming. W-Y-O-M-I-N-G. Pan over to Judges. They can't believe it. Hank CLAPS retardedly. He loves her. HAROLD (looking at others) Uh-okay, then. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM A NURSE now stands beside Mary. MARY With two weeks until the pageant... (continued labored breaths) I was practicing my talent. Finishing my costume, brushing up on current events, and running eighteen miles a day on about four hundred calories. I was ready. The nurse gives her a hit of oxygen. Mary smiles and gives a THUMBS UP from behind the oxygen mask. DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY PAN DOWN long, narrow room. A counter, with mirrors and bare bulbs, cover one wall. Girls set up their areas and change into their talent costumes. SUPER: DRESS REHEARSAL - DAY BEFORE THE PAGEANT IRIS Coupla things...Gladys wants to be sure we go in show order today. All right? So very important. Don't forget that. CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON LESLIE MILLER, in cheerleading uniform, standing beside small framed photos of her boyfriend on the counter. LESLIE (unusually serious) Oh-yah, really nervous. It's been about two months. I haven't told my boyfriend yet. How did you know? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) I meant, nervous about the pageant? LESLIE (suddenly perky) Oh! Nervous about the pageant! Yah sure! She kisses a photo and GIGGLES. CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON BECKY holding a sequin-covered poodle skirt and sweater. BECKY There are eight thousand sequins and fifteen hundred beads on the skirt, alone. My mom and Mrs. Lopez make it. She's one of my father's many Mexican (Me'hee'kan) workers he lifts from the poverty they know in Mexico (Me'heek'koe). CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON AMBER ATKINS at the far end of the counter. AMBER Yah-my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming like this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap costume on the roof-a their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part. It was still on the hanger. DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON TESS WEINHAUS wearing "I love German Shepherds" sweatshirt, standing beside various trinkets. TESS And, uh, this is my lucky bolt. They think it fell from a DC-10. The doctor said I was lucky the flat side hit me, um, otherwise it coulda gone right through my head. (holds up red tap dress) I know, I know, gives me the willies, too. I guess the explosion... Janelle Betz, wearing a flowing, nymph-like dress with ballet slippers, glides up to Amber. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) Amber? Can we switch numbers? I need to go first. (smiling to camera) My cousin just had a deaf baby and I get to go see it! AMBER Yah-sure, eight's my luck number anyway. Diane Sawyer was number eight at her local. JANELLE Thank you. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY ON STAGE "Through the Eyes of Love" plays as Janelle performs her INTERPRETATIVE DANCE while signing the words. In the f.g., Gladys appears very serious. GLADYS (loud whisper) I'll be honest. This is a hard time for me. This is the part of the pageant when you realize that tomorrow night, all but one of these girls will walk out of here a loser. It's hard for me to know how that must feel, but I'm sure it doesn't feel good. In b.g., a BIG STAGE LIGHT FALLS on Janelle's head. CRASH! Gladys and CAMERA rush the stage. "Through the Eyes of Love" continues throughout. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - PORCH - THAT NIGHT A very shaken Amber paces. AMBER Don't you get it? I was supposed to go first. I was contestant number one. That light was meant for my head. If Janelle hadn't wanted to change numbers... God, I owe my life to that deaf baby. Loretta enters, portable phone and drink in hand. LORETTA That was your mom. She wanted you to have this. AMBER (taking drink) Really, Loretta? LORETTA (avoiding eye contact) You-betcha. AMBER My mom wanted me to have this? LORETTA Oh, shut up. I thought it might help you get some sleep. AMBER Loretta, never have kids. LORETTA Well God-love-ya for thinkin' I still could. Loretta pulls a bag out of a closet and hands it to Amber. LORETTA (cont'd) Here, your ma did want you to have this since your other one got toasted and all. Amber pulls out an ELEGANT GREEN GOWN. AMBER Oh...my...God! It's just like Diane Sawyer's! kCourse it's not a size ten, Diane was a little hippy back then. Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! She hugs Loretta. EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT SUPER: NIGHT OF THE PAGEANT BANNER: "Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant, sponsored by Sarah Rose COSMETICS." The ENTIRE TOWN is excitedly entering. CLOSE ON Mr. and Mrs. Howard and their daughter Tina, who's embarrassed and continues to rant as they pass. All three wear T-shirts with MOLLY'S FACE on them. MR. HOWARD MRS. HOWARD Go Molly! Go! Number one daughter! Behind them Leslie Miller's boyfriend, PAT, and a group of ROWDY GUYS approach. PAT Whooo! Leslie kicks Teen Princess ass! Go Muskies! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY STAGE IS DARK. Crowd takes their seats. You can feel the electricity. We hear the TAPE of a DRUM ROLL. SPOTLIGHT hits center stage. Gladys enters wearing a gaudy gown, takes mic. Applause! GLADYS Welcome, welcome. Okay, alright, now. Is this for me or the gown? Laughter and applause trail off. GLADYS (cont'd) Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant. While every contestant you'll meet tonight is special and unique, they all have one thing in common. They're all "Proud - to - be - an - American!" Wild applause! Jazzy patriotic medley tape. Gym doors fly open and like a Felliniesque Vegas review, CONTESTANTS enter wearing gowns and U.S. Monument Headdresses. They struggle to maintain balance as they dance, moving only their arms, on stage. CUT TO: Becky, whose head is built like another president into Mount Rushmore, is first at the mic. (The "dance" continues behind each contestant as she steps up to the mic.) BECKY I chose Mount Rushmore, because to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans, who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me - Rebecca Leeman - PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE A MONTAGE of OPENING NUMBER INTRODUCTIONS ON LISA SWENSON wearing a Statue of Liberty Headdress. (It's a Barbie Doll that holds an unlit birthday candle.) LISA Living in a country where Lady Liberty keeps her flame burning bright. She reaches up with a lighter to light the candle. It's hard to reach and won't light. LISA (cont'd) Keeps her flame burning bright... INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE MILLER as she seductively strokes the sides of her Washington Monument Headdress. LESLIE The Washington Monument... Guys WHOOP and CHEER O.S. LESLIE (cont'd) (enjoying this) ..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be an American. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON AMBER ATKINS with a MAP OF THE U.S. HEADDRESS, dances up to the mic. AMBER Living in a country where no matter who you are or where you come from, you can grow up and become what you've always dreamed of, makes me, Amber Atkins, proud to be an American! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON MOLLY HOWARD wearing an Atomic Blast at Hiroshima Headdress. MOLLY Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard, proud to be an Asian-American. As she steps away from the mic, Tess Weinhaus, wearing a huge ball of twine headdress, dances up to the mic. TESS Uh, this, uh, my Uncle Phil's World's Largest Ball of Twine, in Bundy Minnesota, makes me, um, it makes me proud I'm American - I kinda misunderstood the assignment. The ball of twine falls to the floor and rolls off the stage, still attached at one end to her head. BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM Pandemonium! Contestants change into their "Physical Fitness" outfits. (T-shirts with red flags, shorts) Civil Servettes try to help. A LARGE PICTURE of Janelle Betz sits at her counter space. IRIS Okay, okay! Listen-up. Coupla notes from last night's dress rehearsal. (off clipboard) Number one, Gladys says a coupla yous are gettin' sexy with your hips durin' the "Physical Fitness" routine... AMBER Oh my God! My-my tap costume's gone. Commotion stops. Becky continues to get ready. IRIS Uh, Amber? We're not puttin' on our Talent costumes. You need to put on your "Physical Fitness" outfit. And let's shake a leg, ladies. AMBER No, wait. It-it was here before the openin' number...wait. What am I sayin'? I should just ask you, Becky. Where is it? Becky freezes, staring daggers at Amber. BECKY What? AMBER You heard me. Where is it? The other contestants slowly clear a path between them. BECKY If you're gettin' at somethin', you better just say it. AMBER I just did. BECKY Well then, you better be willin' to back it up, kcause you're talkin' like crazy. They start to slowly circle each other - a cat fight's brewin'. AMBER Oh-oh, you bring me some of that snotty attitude, Becky - bring it on. BECKY Well, as my mother says at Sunday dinner, "Come and get it," bitch! AMBER Oh, I'll "get it." I'll "get it" all right. I might even take seconds. They're moving ever closer... BECKY If you want seconds, then I'll make sure it's hot enough for ya. AMBER Bitch! IRIS (stepping between them) Girls! Girls! BECKY Give me your stringy-ass hair! AMBER I'll get you! CREW GUY (O.S.) (barely audible) Oh God, don't stop kem now... BECKY You're choking my, you fucking bitch! IRIS (putting hand over camera) Y'know, I-I don't think yous boys should, uh, should be in here while the girls are changin'. AMBER I hate her! IRIS We all do. Now let's go. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Gladys is center stage. GLADYS Yah-so how kbout a big round of applause for last year's Mount Rose American Teen Princess, in a farewell performance. Who could forget her lip- synching to "Don't Cry Out Loud," by Melissa Manchester. And here she is, Mary Johanson! Applause! Gladys exits. TAPED MUSIC "It's My Turn." A NURSE pushes MARY JOHANSON out in her wheelchair, complete with portable oxygen. Mary wears a gigantic black wig and silver gown which hangs off her boney body. She moves her lips to the words as the nurse pushes her emotionally around the stage. EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY Contestants, in "physical fitness" outfits, wait outside the double doors, holding freshly painted red, white and blue step ladders. Becky and Amber stare at each other from opposite ends of the line. IRIS All right, why don't we take up the stepladders, all right? For the Physical Fitness number? BECKY (picking up her stool) They're wet. LISA Hey, my hands are stuck. MOLLY (sniffing) Uh, I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes. IRIS Well, hold kem away from you so it doesn't get on the outfits. (turning to Servettes) What kinda mental retard paints step ladders the morning of a pageant. ON STAGE Hank is being pulled off stage by Harold. Gladys adjusts her dress, frazzled. HANK (under throughout) Here come the judge - pinch, pinch - here come the judge - pinch, pinch - here come the judge... GLADYS Get back! Get back, you total retard! LORETTA Go Hank! GLADYS I'm okay, I'm okay - dress is fine. I'm okay...well, our other judges are Jean Kangas and John Dough... EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY Iris and Servettes go in the gym as Chloris Klinghagen comes out. CHLORIS (loud whisper) Opening number looked, uh, good. Solid. But now you're gonna have to actually dance, so... (holds up jar of Vaseline) Here. Put a dab of this on the old choppers, ladies. It'll help you smile. And when they're lookin' at your teeth - God willin' - they won't be lookin at your feet. Chloris gives Amber the jar and exits. From the gym, we hear TAPED PATRIOTIC MUSIC. Contestants CHEER and run in. "PHYSICAL FITNESS" ROUTINE - PATRIOTIC MUSIC As cuts of patriotic dance moves progress, the girls have more and more red, white and blue paint smeared on their clothes, arms and legs. Amber's clearly the best. Taped music ENDS. Contestants, covered with paint, strike a final pose - sitting on ladders, standing, kneeling. Applause. BACKSTAGE - WALKWAY Contestants wait anxiously as they pass a can of TURPENTINE and a RAG to remove paint from their arms and legs. BECKY Hurry up. LESLIE Okay, guys, I think we all got some. You just take it off. AMBER Here, I didn't get any. LESLIE Here, have some. MICHELLE Hand me another white one. LISA Listen, you guys, don't go int the bathroom. Tess blew chunks all over. Man, she ate a big dinner. BECKY Maybe she shoulda shoved that lucky bolt down her throat for desert. Becky storms off. AMBER (sotto, to other girls) And the winner of the "Spirit" award goes to... Girls laugh quietly. Iris pulls a dazed and confused Tess - beg wet spot on her shirt - through the shot. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Iris stands center stage, awkwardly holding the mic. IRIS (reading from notecard) "I'd like to take you back seventeen years, when a peanut farmer was in the White House, a group-a boys callin' themselves kQueen' topped the record charts and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess!" Gladys enters wearing sash, tiara and plaid culottes. Applause. A SLIDE is shown of her at 17. GLADYS (taking mic) Thank you, thank you. You know, I won the talent contest by sewing these culottes, Butterick pattern 7-4-3-2. Can you believe it? They still fit! LORETTA She had a big ass then, she's got a big ass now. GLADYS (pausing for applause) Thank you, thank you. Our next eontestant is ready, so let's welcome her: Tess Weinhaus! APPLAUSE. Tess is pushed on stage. BACKSTAGE - LEFT Amber paces. ON STAGE Tess drones on at the mic. TESS (in the b.g. throughout) The beagle is known for it's howl. "Aaauuuuuhhhh." The Pekinese has it's own distinctive bark. "Yip, yip, yip." Not to be confused with the Chihuahua's, "Yap, yap, yap." But none can compare to the greatest bark of all - the German Shepherd... AMBER (to camera, loud whisper) ...Yah-it's just gone... (eyes welling up) I mean, I-I just wanna tap, y'know? I'm not sayin' I'm the best, or that I'd even win, but shouldn't I at least get a chance to compete? (starting to sob) I just wanted my Mom to see me dance. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN enters, small bag in hand. CHLORIS (loud whisper) Amber - Amber, c'mere. AMBER Please, Mrs. K, I got so much Vaseline on my teeth, I'm gonna be smilin' for a year. CHLORIS No. Here. Chloris pulls a simple BLACK LEOTARD from the bag. CHLORIS (cont'd) It's nothin' special, but talent like yours doesn't need to hide behind sequins. AMBER Mrs. K-- CHLORIS You're... you're special and... Ah hell, go out there and kick some Leeman ass. Amber, overcome with joy, gives her a big hug. CHLORIS (cont'd) Not so hard, sweetie. I heard somethin' snap... INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM ON STAGE: Leslie Miller, in uniform, performs an amazingly sexy cheer as TWO SINGLET-CLAD WRESTLERS wrestle (One is boyfriend, Pat.). LESLIE Roll him over -- (clap, clap, clap) Lay him flat (clap, clap, clap) Pin his shoulders (clap, clap, clap) To the mat (clap, clap, clap) Roll him over, lay him flat, pin his shoulders, to the mat! Yeahhhh! She JUMPS, KICKS and ends with SPLITS. APPLAUSE! JUMP CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER Michelle Johanson is on stage, sitting on a stool, wearing all black. She smiles warmly. Then, with one sweep of her hand across her face, her smile drops. She's dead serious. MICHELLE (without emotion) Fade in...Earth. The year is two- thousand twenty-four. The question on everyone's mind: What is...Soylent Green? She sweeps her hand back across her face and she's "in character," pained, near death, and overly dramatic. BACKSTAGE - LEFT - CONTINUOUS Amber, now in the leotard, talks to Iris. Michelle performs from "Soylent Green" in the b.g. AMBER (loud whisper) Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to me? Why're you pretendin' you don't know what's goin' on? IRIS Amber, I'm sorry. I really am. But you know the rules. All talent costumes hafta be okay'd by Gladys before the pageant. AMBER But, doesn't someone taking your costume so you can't compete, overrule that rule? IRIS Sorry. I-I don't make the rules. AMBER This, this... This is bullshit! IRIS Amber Atkins! That is not American Teen Princess language! AMBER Good, kcause this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant - it's, it's Nazi Germany! Amber storms off. IRIS (shaking head) Where do they get this stuff... INT. BACKSTAGE CAMERA FOLLOWS AMBER as she storms over to BACKSTAGE - RIGHT where Gladys watches Michelle ON STAGE. AMBER Mrs. Leeman? GLADYS (turning) Huh? AMBER I-I'm wearin' this costume. I'm, uh, I'm gonna do my talent tonight. GLADYS Oh really - I don't think so. (suddenly aware of camera) Uh, Amber, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but rules state that a costume must be okay'd at least a week in advance. And this... (pointing to costume) This is why we have the rule. My goodness gracious, I couldn't allow a neckline this low on stage. We have kids in the audience. AMBER But, you - I mean... It's not my fault. I-I... Please? I didn't do anything wrong... Amber starts to cry. MICHELLE (climaxing) That's why... I must say... (raising arm upward) Soylent Green... is... people. She doubles over. She's given it all. APPLAUSE. GLADYS Oops, that's my cue. Gladys starts out on stage as Molly Howard, dressed like a red, white and blue cowboy, runs up next to Amber. She's twirling toy guns on her fingers. MOLLY Wish me luck. AMBER (drying her eyes) Good luck, Molly. One of Molly's guns flies off her finger. She goes to retrieve it. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Molly is line dancing, occasionally taking "pretend" shots into the air. It's incredibly repetitive and dull. BACKSTAGE - CARL'S "LIGHT AND SOUND" BOOTH - CONTINUOUS As Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" PLAYS in b.g., Carl, the janitor, sets plastic army figures on fire with a cigarette lighter. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Gladys is center stage. Molly Howard walks off crying, having just finished her routine. POLITE APPLAUSE. She's still spinning her guns, again one goes flying. GLADYS Thank you, Molly. INT. HIGH SCHOOL/STAIRWELL - DRESSING AREA Lisa, top hat, tails, giant "I LOVE NY" button - and others try to console a CRYING Amber. Becky continues singing O.S. LISA (arm around Amber) Oh, Amber... AMBER (can't catch breath) I-I-I-I-I-, j-uh-j-uh-just wanted to compe-e-e-e-ete. LISA I can't believe this is happenin'. I can't believe she said you couldn't... Getting an idea, Lisa starts to take off her jacket. LISA (cont'd) Amber? Here. AMBER (still sobbing) "Here," wh-wh-what? LISA My jacket. Take it kcause, y'know, I got my costume okay'd before the pageant. You can wear it. MICHELLE Oh man, Lisa, I wouldn't do this. LESLIE (to Lisa) They're never gonna let you perform naked. I asked. LISA Shut up, yous guys. Look, Amber, I'm not gonna win. And let's be honest, a family only needs one "Liza" and you know Peter's got much better legs than me. AMBER Your parents'd kill you. LISA Oh c'mon, I love kem, but you know they only had me kcause Peter needed a kidney. AMBER Lis, I want to, I really do, but... Oh, I can't. LISA Then do it for Peter. Mrs. Leeman used to call him a "skinny little fag" when he'd bag her groceries. He'd pop his Nancy-belt if his old jacket somehow, I don't know, got her back. AMBER Yah? LISA Oh-you-beccha. Amber hugs her and takes the jacket. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE Gladys guides Molly off the stage. GLADYS Now, it's with overwhelming pride that I introduce contestant number six, who also happens to be president of her class - two years running - a member of the honor roll and the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club - Rebecca Ann Leeman! STAGE GOES BLACK. SPOT HITS BECKY, who sits at the edge of the stage, holding a mic. She's head to toe sequins in her poodle skirt, sweater, saddle shoes, etc. BECKY (talking over music) I don't know how many of you know this, but I've got a very special fella in my life - that's right, I do... And if nobody minds, I'd like to sing a little song, just for him. SPOT FOLLOWS as Becky stands and walks center stage to what appears to be a COVERED MANNEQUIN. TAPED INTRO TO "I Can't Take My Eyes Off You." BECKY (cont'd) You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you. You'd be like Heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At long last love has arrived and I thank God I'm alive. Becky removes the sheet, revealing a MANNEQUIN dressed like JESUS as he appeared on the cross: long hair, beard, crown of thorns, loincloth. The ARMS ARE STUFFED so they move freely. (Hands of stigmata.) BECKY (cont'd) You're just to good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you... Becky TALK-SINGS - a la William Shatner's "Rocket Man" - and DANCES around the Jesus mannequin doing the jitter- bug, the twist and a slow dance (his arms on her shoulders). DURING THE SLOW DANCE, THE LOIN CLOTH SLIPS AND BECKY MUST HOLD IT UP - GIVING THE APPEARANCE OF GRABBING HIS CROTCH. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - BACKSTAGE Iris approaches Lisa who's given her outfit to Amber. IRIS C'mon, Lisa. You're up next. LISA I quit. And, uh, since my costume, y'know, was okay'd a month ago? I'm givin' it to Amber. Amber breaks a smile. Taped music ENDS. APPLAUSE. Gladys, mic in hand, joins Becky for a big hug. GLADYS Boy, I'd hate to follow that. Wow! Becky exits, pulling the wheeled Jesus behind her. GLADYS (cont'd) Voice of an angel, that one. Iris runs self-consciously out on stage, whispers in Gladys' ear, then runs back off stage. GLADYS (cont'd) ...Uh, I was just told that contestant number seven, Lisa Swenson, has quite the pageant. CROWD REACTS. GLADYS (cont'd) Well, these things happen. At any rate, we still have one more contestant - number eight, Amber Atkins. Gladys exits. A taped hip, hot DRUM BEAT starts. Suddenly, Amber glides into CENTER SPOT. (Now wearing Lisa's costume, sleeves rolled up.) Her feet burst into an amazing routine. The loud drum beats seem to fly from her hands and feet as they punctuate the rhythm. There's no glitz, just unbelievable skill. It appears effortless as she floats around stage. Like watching Michael Jackson moon walk for the first time, you can't take your eyes off her. She concludes, center stage, with the GREATEST THIRTY SECONDS OF HER LIFE. The audience goes WILD! Amber takes bow after bow - they love her. Gladys enters quickly, mic in hand. GLADYS (cont'd) Okay, okay, okay! Well, now, it's finally time to say good-bye to our judges, so they can go make the toughest decision of their lives. PAN TO JUDGES. They look nervous as hell. A relaxed Hank sniffs from a paint soaked bag. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT Judges stare nervously at the camera - clip boards in front of them. Hank's LOUD BREATHING from the paint soaked bag is obviously getting on John's nerves. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So who get's the crown? How are you going to figure this all out? JOHN Uh, we're gonna, y'know, compare scores and uh, figure out a-a winner. kCause we don't know the winner yet... I mean, I-I don't know who Jean and Harold picked. No idea. Did Gladys send you in here? HANK I know the winner! I know the winner! I know the winner! JOHN No you don't! Shut your goddamn mouth, you son-of-a-bitch!! Nerves shot, John suddenly LAUNCHES himself across the table at Hank. HAROLD Wait a second. JOHN You shut it! You goddamn retard! Hank freezes, then starts to wail! HANK EE-AAAYEEEE-AAAAYOUIAAAEEEEEEEE! HAROLD Come on! Hankey here can't help it if he was born crazier than a shithouse rat! Hank stops crying and goes back to the bag. JOHN For fuck's sake, why didn't ya leave him with a sitter? Hank begins crying again. HAROLD Real nice. You know the sitter's dead. DISSOLVE TO: BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM Girls, in gowns, sit in silence. Becky and Amber sit at opposite ends of the room. There's obvious tension. LESLIE So, anyone talk to Janelle? AMBER Yah-I brought her some flowers this morning. She's in the room next to my mom. She's super happy. Girls ad-lib SHOCK. TESS She's happy? LESLIE Why happy? AMBER (cont'd) Oh -- the blow to her head made her deaf... Girls ad-lib "Oh, I see. Okay-then." etc. Another LONG BEAT of SILENCE follows. Becky gets up to re-touch her make-up. BECKY (losing it) Oh, good Lord! What're they doin'? Lettin' the retard count votes?! Contestants stare at her in shock. Iris enters. IRIS It's time, ladies. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Judges are back. Gladys is center stage. Girls enter and form a line behind her. TAPED AMERICAN MEDLEY STARTS. GLADYS Welcome back, everyone. Judges. Our Second Runner-up and winner of a fifty- Taped fanfare. Leslie bounds forward, grabs her trophy, stands to one side. PAT (O.S.) You rule, Leslie! Audience laughs. Leslie waves. GLADYS Our next prize, a seventy-five dollar scholarship -- Audience ad-libs amazement. GLADYS (cont'd) ...will be awarded to the First Runner- up. Taped DRUM ROLL. Contestants (except Becky) take hands. Iris gives Gladys an envelope and trophy. GLADYS (cont'd) And the First Runner-up is - (opening envelope, face drops) Contestant number eight, Amber Atkins. Ad-lib audience shock and disbelief. Contestants are stunned. Amber steps forward, humbly takes the trophy and stands beside Leslie. Audience finally quiets. GLADYS (cont'd) And finally, the moment I know I've been waiting for... Iris hands Gladys a LARGE TROPHY and envelope. Mary Johanson is wheeled out wearing sash and tiara. GLADYS (cont'd) With a scholarship of five-hundred dollars, courtesy Leeman Furniture, and all expenses paid for next weekend when she'll be competin' for the title of Minnesota American Teen Princess... Taped drum roll. Gladys opens the envelope. GLADYS (cont'd) Our new Mount Rose American Teen Princess is contestant number - ah heck, she's my daughter - number seven, Rebecca Ann Leeman! Polite audience applause. Becky rushes forward. Gladys RIPS the tiara and sash off Mary, places them on Becky. BECKY Oh, thank you so much! AUDIENCE Loretta and Annette watch on. ANNETTE Shit. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE The ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR, from earlier scene, enters and sings to a tape as Becky takes her victory walk. ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR (tune of "Miss America") "Here she is, Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess. Look at her, doesn't she look fine. Our hearts swell big, as we look at her. Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess." EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER AMBULANCE pulls up. Mary Johanson, unconscious, slumped in wheelchair, is brought out and put in. Amber and Loretta wheel Annette out. Paramedics put her in, too. ANNETTE We was robbed. LORETTA Okay. Take her purse. AMBER Bye mom. ANNETTE We was robbed. AMBER It's okay. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER Amber faces camera as ambulance pulls away. AMBER Oh, Mom's okay. They're just givin' her a ride back. She almost blew outta the back of Loretta's pick-up on the way over. LORETTA Thank God for bunge cords. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER AMBER (tearing up) ...Yah-well, at least, y'know, I got to perform. And Mom got to see me. (crying) I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer... Loretta puts her arm around Amber. They walk off as Leslie and Pat approach. LESLIE Hey-hey, I'm Second Runner-up! Whooo! I got second place! PAT Third. LESLIE Huh? Lisa passes by with her parents. They look pissed. LISA No, it was worth it. Amber shoulda won. LISA'S FATHER I'll tell ya one thing. Peter never woulda pulled a shenanigan like that. LISA Well, y'know what, dad? Y'know what? Peter's gay! She runs off. Her parents stop DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS. LISA'S FATHER What?! DISSOLVE TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT CLOSE ON BECKY'S FACE. Flashes illuminate it. With each photo she changes her smile and expression. She loves this. PULL BACK to reveal two older men, with old-style news cameras, flash pictures. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So, how does it feel to be the new Mount Rose American Teen Princess, Becky? OLDER MEN turn and look at camera, then take out a pen and note pad. BECKY Well, it's all happenin' so fast. Goodness-gracious, it hardly seems real, y'know? I mean, I won! I'm the winner! I'm going to State! GLADYS She's the winner and we're going to state. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GIRL'S BATHROOM - DAY Fry Girl #1 and Pregnant Fry Girl smoke. FRY GIRL #1 What a surprise. Gladys Leeman's finally gonna go to State. And she'll probably ride on Becky's ass all the way to Nationals, too. PREGNANT FRY GIRL I wonder how she's gonna fix that one. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Are you ladies going to the parade tomorrow? PREGNANT FRY GIRL Nah. I think I'm like, due or somethin'. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - NEXT DAY Beautiful sunny day. Lester talks to camera. LESTER Ahhh. Beautiful as a whore's ass today. Eh, boys? In the b.g., Gladys holds a bullhorn, clipboard and points to a LARGE SWAN FLOAT. GLADYS (into bullhorn) Hey! Turn that float around. You think a swan's gonna swim ass first up Main Street? LESTER Yah-Gladys had me order that swan special made from Mexico (Me'hee'koe) in case Becky won. I do a lotta business with those people. I always offer to pay kem in tacos. (laughing) Whoo, they love that. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Entire town lines the road. The Mayor and the Leman family stand behind the red ribbon. Parade PARTICIPANTS are lined up behind them. MAYOR (into bullhorn) Yah-hello-hello...shit! How the fuck do ya work this damn thing, huh? Oh. Welcome to our first ever American Teen Princess Parade - which also happens to be the unveiling of our new sewer system! CHEERS! Becky cuts the ribbon. More CHEERS! MAYOR (cont'd) Yah-so, while Becky gets on her float, then, any questions kbout the new sewer? Yah, Clem? JUMP CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER THE PASSING PARADE: - THREE FAT VETS, dressed as the Revolutionary War trio, hold American, Minnesota and POW/MIA flags. - TWO BATON TWIRLERS stand in front of the Mount Rose High School Band. They play - way off key. - JUDGES wave from a convertible. Hank, in passenger's seat, struggles to get out. His seatbelt prevents it. - TWO GRUNGY OLD CLOWNS smoke impatiently. - TWO FAT WHITE MEN, dressed as Indians, sit on scooters. - FAT MAN drives a riding lawnmower, pulling a flatbed with A SPEEDBOAT and a FISHING CAMP GROUP. - FARMER pulls a goat with a sign: "Milk Me for $1.00" - A BRIGADE of tap dancing BASSOONISTS. EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET Harold and Hank pull over and park their truck. Harold quickly gets out, obviously in a hurry, slamming on a pouting Hank. HAROLD Let's get this straight right now. We wouldn't have been late at all if it wasn't for you. HANK I want to have the big bag of little donuts. HAROLD You get nothing, Hank, okay? HANK I want to get the big bag of little donuts. HAROLD There's your paint can. The next time you drink window cleaner, I'm just gonna leave it in ya. Harold rushes off for the parade, joining other folks carrying baskets, lawn chairs and flags on the sidewalk. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - BACK TO DOCUMENTARY CAMERA PAN OVER to see Gladys helping Becky climb on the swan, unaware of camera. In b.g., DOCUMENTARY CREW interviews Amber and Leslie on their convertible behind the swan float. GLADYS C'mon, Rebecca, you wanted it. Now get up there. Ride it side-saddle if you have to - like a horse. C'mon, now. BECKY It smells funny. Like gasoline. GLADYS Oh for chrissakes, everything smells like that in Mexico. BECKY My dress'll reek. GLADYS Listen, little missy, this cost your dad a pretty penny. Now get your ass up there and show me some teeth. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Amber and Leslie, in gowns, look unhappy as they stare straight ahead, exhaust fumes - that appear to come from the swan's ass - cover them and their old convertible. LESLIE Amber, if I die from these fumes, will you be sure to cover the hickies on my neck? AMBER Yeah... LESLIE And the bite marks on my ears? AMBER (slowly turning) Yes... LESLIE I know it doesn't matter, but on my inner thighs. AMBER Yes, Leslie! EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Hank rubs his head, then angrily gets out of the truck, SLAMMING THE DOOR ON ONE OF THE SUSPENDERS ON HIS OVERALLS. He starts to walk, but can't, eventually leaning out from the truck - only moving his arms as if walking. EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER Hank, still stuck in the door, is being teased by a GROUP OF KIDS who poke at him with flags and sticks. ANOTHER LITTLE KID taunts him with his cotton candy - keeping it just out of his reach. Hank bats at them like Frankenstein and the torch wielding townsfolk. EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER Hank, still stuck in the door, holds the little kid by the back of the shirt in one hand and eats the kid's cotton candy with the other. The kid struggles to get away. A few BROKEN FLAGS are scattered on the ground. HANK Help...Hank! Help...Hank! Help...Hank! Help...Hank! ON SWAN FLOAT. Gladys approaches. GLADYS Okay, I designed the float, you know. And, what's gonna happen here is that this is going to look like a glistening lake beneath the swan. IRIS Uh, Gladys? GLADYS What! IRIS We need more bars! GLADYS This is -- what? IRIS Enid ate a whole pan! GLADYS I swear to God she can't do anything by herself. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER AMBER (to camera) Oh-yah, this is exactly how I pictured it. Chokin' on swan gas. Suddenly, like a gasoline soaked pinata, it EXPLODES! Gladys is thrown back. Flames. Screaming. PANDEMONIUM! Becky doesn't have a chance. She's a pink taffeta BALL OF FIRE. The swan's back eventually collapses taking Becky into it's burning belly. INTERCUT WITH MR. HOWARD'S VIDEO. Gladys watches in stunned silence as her daughter and only chance at State go up in flames. Suddenly, she CRACKS! GLADYS Oh my God! My Baby! The swan ate my baby! (grabbing at burning float) Ow-ow-ow! Get up, Rebecca! Get outta there! We've gotta go to State! Oh hot! (she scorches her blouse) Oh, damn. I like this blouse. Rebecca! Get up, angel face. Time to go to State! Ow-ow-ow! Eventually, Gladys tries to climb up on the float. Iris pulls her off. GLADYS (cont'd) Get offa me, you cow! Gladys spins and notices the silent CROWD. GLADYS (cont'd) What're you lookin' at? Huh? A whole God Damn town of losers! That's what I'm lookin' at! Crowd reacts. Gladys notices Amber and runs up to her car. GLADYS (cont'd) You! You piece-a-shit trailer trash! This shoulda been you! Damn, I shoulda killed you when I had the The crows reacts again. Gladys spins, noticing someone. Lester approaches. GLADYS (cont'd) Hey, Ted, sorry. I didn't know your family was in the garage when I set it on fire! LESTER Gladys! Stop it! GLADYS Guess it wasn't a garage sale as much as it was a bake sale. Ah- hahahahahahahaha! Lester tries to pull her away from the crowd. GLADYS (cont'd) Let go-a-me, you old bastard! She grabs a BURNING 2X4 off a float and starts swinging it. GLADYS (cont'd) At least you've got another daughter. CROWD GASPS. Then stunned SILENCE. CAMERA CIRCLES Gladys and Lester getting reaction shots of the crowd. LESTER So help me, Gladys. GLADYS Becky was my only shot at state! LESTER That's enough! GLADYS Let go! Let go of me. Oh my God, it's COPS! TWIN OFFICERS, followed by "COPS" TV CREW, run up and aggressively tackle Gladys. As the struggle on the ground continues, crew guys go over and shake hands with the "COPS" crew - obviously knowing them. GLADYS (cont'd) (pointing to Lester) He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms! The COPS crew begins to mingle with the DOCUMENTARY crew. SCOTT Hey, man, how're you doin'? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Hi! What's up, Scott? You remember Bruce, right? SCOTT Long time, no see. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Bruce, that's Roy. (they shake hands) Roy, Bruce. EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY Lovely hillside. A PASTOR and TOWN FOLK - heads bowed - stand beside a FRESH GRAVE. PASTOR That's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow that we turn over to you a young woman whose dream of ridin' on a giant swan brought about her untimely death. Maybe it's your way of telling us to buy American. EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER The funeral is over. Amber, Loretta, Iris and Servettes awkwardly face each other beside the grave. Iris takes the PARTIALLY MELTED TIARA from the headstone. IRIS As, uh, actin' President of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes, it's my duty since Becky can't fulfill her duties - kcause she's dead-n-all - to make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess. She puts the TIARA on AMBER. Loretta FLASHES pictures. MALE REPORTER #1 Turn around and let me see. EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER Annette, Amber (wearing her tiara) and Loretta are leaving the crowning ceremony. All are happy as they push an extremely drugged Annette out of the cemetery. LORETTA What is wrong with you? AMBER I don't know. I just didn't wanna win like this. LORETTA You stop right there. You are a good person. Good things happen to good people. AMBER Really? LORETTA No. It's pure bullshit, sweetie. You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it. Let's get you a root beer float. AMBER Okay. LORETTA Do you guys want some shots? I'm buyin'. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY Amber sits on the picnic table. In the b.g., Loretta exits her trailer with a FED-EX GUY. She pats his buns as he exits. She approaches Amber with a packet. AMBER (V.O.) I never liked her, but she didn't deserve to die in the belly of a swan like that. The whole thing's just kinda sad and lame at the same time. LORETTA (handing over packet) This came for you, sweetie. AMBER Ah! It's from State! Oh my God! Amber rips it open and holds up a color brochure with COLLEEN and TERRY in a glamour shot on the cover. AMBER (cont'd) (paging through packet) It's all the stuff I get to do. Oh my God, oh my God... Okay, okay... We get a "personal consultation" with a make- up artist -- Eeeh! Okay, um, there'll be a choreographer to the stars and, oh no -- No way. Oh... My... God! LORETTA What? For chrissakes, spit it out. AMBER I'll be stayin' overnight at... The Airport Howard Johnsons! LORETTA Right by the airport - Oh, Amber... AMBER There's an indoor swimming pool! Ahhhh! Loretta joins in the screaming. AMBER (cont'd) Oh crap - I only got four days. I gotta practice! EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - MORNING MONTAGE BEGINS over MUSIC. Amber emerges from Loretta's trailer, Pop Tart in mouth, book bag in hand. SMILES. WAVES. EXT. TRAILER PARK Taps her way down the road, out of the trailer park. INT. CAFETERIA - MONTAGE Amber scrapes trays. PAN DOWN. She wears tap shoes, practices her routine. INT. HOSPITAL - MONTAGE - DAY Amber walks around the room in high heels, balancing a bedpan on her head. INT. MORTUARY - MONTAGE Amber dances around the room, using a suit on a hanger as a partner. A naked old man is on the embalming slab, a sheet covering his nasties. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - NIGHT In silhouette, Amber taps on the picnic table by the light of the FULL HARVEST MOON. DIP TO BLACK: EXT. AIRPORT HOWARD JOHNSONS - DAY WHITE LETTERS ON BLACK: "STATE FINALS" We look up at the towering Howard Johnsons and see a huge banner which reads: "WELCOME AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS, FRIED CLAM PLATTER $9.99." Suddenly, a 747, not more than thirty feet above the hotel, flies over - the sound is deafening. LORETTA All right, say "Airport Ho-Jo." AMBER Airport Ho-Jo! LORETTA I got it! Yeah, why don't ya take a Mr. Larson unloads Amber's luggage from the hearse. Loretta leans against it, arm around Amber, smoking and occasionally flipping off people who stop to stare at this unusual sight. AMBER Loretta, don't do that. LORETTA I'm sorry. They're just starin'. AMBER I gotta work with these women. LORETTA Okay, sweetie, that's all right. Let's go. Let's go. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA There's a fake tropical look, with loads of plastic palms, etc. CAMERA FOLLOWS Amber into area. BANNER: "STATE FINALS - SPONSORED BY THE MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY" Contestants (25) sit at tables, they seem more mature, more professional. Amber smiles and gives a little wave. Terry approaches Amber. TERRY And you are... AMBER Mount Rose American Teen Princess. TERRY Funny, you don't look dead. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Colleen and Terry address the assembled contestants. SUPER: COLLEEN DOUGLAS AND TERRY MACEY - MINNESOTA AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS STATE BOARD AND OWNERS OF THE MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY COLLEEN Okay ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen Douglas and this raving beauty on my right -- TERRY I'm a mirror. COLLEEN Correction. This spunky monkey on my right is Terry Macey. And we are your Minnesota American Teen Princess State Board. TERRY We're also the co-founders of the Minnesota Modeling Academy. Applications are at the tiki bar. We'll wave the fifty dollar application fee if you list a friend and put her address. COLLEEN That's right. TERRY Okay? COLLEEN Mm-hm. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA Loretta, seated at the bar, puts her arm around a man next to her. LORETTA So...you're cute. Oh, I see you're married. (to bartender) You catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present. All right? Open wide... (she throws the olive) Oh, God, you got that on the first try. Come here. Loretta kisses the bartender. LORETTA (cont'd) You are cute. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - COURTYARD STAGE AREA - DAY TERRY Due to budgetary cutbacks - and the fact that Nationals didn't cough up a damn nickel this year - you won't be stayin' overnight. So pay attention, you've got about eight hours until showtime. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY A DISCO BEAT POUNDS from a boom box. Mr. Melchoir, the choreographer, watches contestants move in fast-paced crisscrossing formations. Amber is among them. Miss St. Paul screws up. MR. MELCHOIR Remember to count, ladies. Cross on the left and arms up on eight! On the beat! On the beat! Keep on it! Keep movin' it! C'mon, Miss Forest Lake, take that stick out of your ass or I will. All right. Very nice. Now come on, arms out. We're in the front row. Come on, sell it! That's very nice. Remember, figure eights, ladies... INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Colleen and Terry smoke and drink at a tall tiki table that's covered with empties. In the b.g., a pageant worker passes out PINK BAGS to the contestants. All the while, TWO FAT KIDS play "Marco Polo" in the pool. COLLEEN (tipsy, holding up glass) I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass. I look at it and say, "it's half full." Which, in the beauty pageant biz means, "Where the hell's my waiter!" She laughs hard, then spins around in her chair. COLLEEN (cont'd) (screaming) Stop with the fuckin' Marco-Polo before I rip your fat little heads off! INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS A very mature Miss Burnsville talks to Amber who is staring at Miss Burnsville's supernaturally well- supported chest. MR. MELCHOIR Miss Burnsville, you're up next... JUMP CUT TO: INT. STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS - MOMENTS LATER Amber sits addressing the camera. Miss Burnsville is gone. AMBER Don't tell anyone, but, I have a little secret weapon of my own. Amber pulls out a jar of Vaseline from her purse and smiles innocently. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET - DAY Contestants hungrily fill their plates with seafood. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET Amber stands beside the buffet, holding only a salad. AMBER I don't eat shellfish. Mom always says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can carry its house around with it - who knows the last time it's been cleaned." She should know. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA Amber eats at a tall tiki table with Miss Minneapolis. MISS MINNEAPOLIS ... I've done about thirty-five pageants. I guess my most memorable one'd have to be Miss Teen America, 1995. It was in Vegas. My roommate did Adam West. SUPER: MR. WEST WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT MISS MINNEAPOLIS (cont'd) She said he was sooo horny. Amber stares at her with wide-eyed disbelief. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY Amber watches four contestants in a row practice their talents. All are equally amazing. "THEME from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" starts. Miss Minneapolis steps ON STAGE - silver unitard, silver streamers, silver tap shoes. She starts a TAP ROUTINE that RIVALS AMBER'S. AMBER (whispering to camera) Oh my God. Look at her, she's awesome. I should just go home now. Terry and Colleen stand in front of the stage. TERRY Okay, okay, that's enough - I get it. SUDDENLY Miss Minneapolis FREEZES. MISS MINNEAPOLIS Oh - oh my God... (doubling over in pain) I gotta go! She runs off toward the RESTROOM. COLLEEN (calling after her) Well, you're gonna have to do somethin' with those nerves before Nationals. Thirty-million people aren't gonna wait while you run to the john. Other waiting contestants suddenly double over, ad- libbing "oh no! oh my God!" "I'm gonna puke!" etc. More contestants grab their bellies. NEWS FOOTAGE: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - MORE FOOTAGE FEMALE REPORTER (hand on earpiece) Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly. A salmonella dysentery outbreak, now traced to improperly refrigerated shellfish, was believed to be the cause. Joining us now is David Richardson, a member of the documentary crew filming the pageant. He was there when tragedy struck. TELEVISION SET CREW GUY Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks everywhere. I've never seen anything like it before, and I live in L.A. (laughs) Hey, Ed. FEMALE REPORTER #2 Can you tell us any thing about the controversy? Is there a controversy here? Has there been sabotage? Follow REPORTER as she runs over to Amber, Colleen and Terry. All three look dazed. Reporters SHOUT questions. COLLEEN (with forced sobriety) People, people - wait, wait a minute, here. Uh, while we haven't ruled out sabotage from neighboring state pageants - Iowa, Wisconsin, North Dakota... TERRY Yeah. COLLEEN Dakota. TERRY Ohio... COLLEEN That bitch from... TERRY What? COLLEEN Wisconsin. TERRY All right, then. COLLEEN The bitch. TERRY The important thing is that we have a winner... PULL BACK to reveal we're: INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - BAR - NIGHT The mayor and other vets, watch Amber on the TV. COLLEEN (ON T.V.) And, on behalf of the Minnesota Modeling Academy, we proudly present Amber Atkins. Your new Minnesota American Teen Princess. The place ERUPTS in CHEER! ON TV: Terry sets a tiara on Amber's head. FLASHES. MAYOR Yah, ain't it just a kick in the fuckin' ass!?!? I'll be a snake's prick if tragedy and pageants ain't got a way of bringin' folks together... (directly at camera) Yous boys tell me when want me to start, okay? INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY IONA Amber?! What-the-hell's goin' on around here? I'm Mount Rose American Teen Princess. Where the hell's my tiara? I bet those sneaky little Japs took it... INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT Cathy and other townsfolk are glued to a small TV set on the counter. FEMALE REPORTER (ON T.V.) Amber, how do you feel? AMBER I, uh... I feel like... I, uh, I need a shower. Townsfolk laugh and cheer. CATHY Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph I hope Gladys Leeman hangs herself in her cell when she hears this. INT. WOMEN'S PRISON - REC ROOM ROUGH HAND HELD FOOTAGE. We see Gladys walking around, holding onto the back of a large black woman's belt. GLADYS Uh-huh. No, no. Gosh, no. You know I still don't want to be on camera... SUPER: PHONE INTERVIEW WITH GLADYS LEEMAN FROM MINNETONKA WOMEN'S FACILITY GLADYS (V.O. ON THE PHONE) Yah - I just wanna say - that little bitch better watch her back at Nationals kcause I'm makin' friends on the inside... Yah-friends who have friends on the outside... FEMALE PRISONER Get your sweet ass off the bunk, Cinnamon. GLADYS (V.O. ON PHONE) Gotta go. Click. DIAL TONE. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY Annette (left arm's been amputated and replaced with metal pincers which she hasn't mastered yet) sits at the picnic table with Amber and Loretta. Throughout the following, Annette struggles to open a beer can which keeps flying out of her pincers. (Handmade "congratulations" posters cover the lawn and trailer.) AMBER I just, I just can't believe it. I'm Minnesota's American Teen Princess! LORETTA Our baby's going to Nationals! Lincoln, Alabama - look out! AMBER I'm gonna be on TV! Just like Diane Sawyer. Annette opens a beer with a new HOOK replacing her hand. LORETTA Annette, just use your hand. ANNETTE They told me to practice. AMBER Okay, ready? Here's the signal I'm gonna give Ma when I'm on TV. Amber MIMES inhaling a cigarette and Annette embraces her. ANNETTE My little Carol Burnett. EXT. AIR FIELD In the middle of a corn field. The "runaway" is a gravel path cut between rows of corn. A FOUR-SEATER plane is on the runway, in front of a group of town folk with hand- made "good luck" signs. Amber (in Minnesota sash and tiara) and the Mayor stand beside the plane. (NOTE: The plane never moves.) EXT. AIR FIELD - LATER MAYOR (into bullhorn) Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen Princess - soon to be the next America's American Teen Princess - our little Amber! ZOOM IN ON AMBER as PEOPLE cheer Amber on. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY A giant Sarah Rose Cosmetics logo on the wall greets Amber. SUPER: SARAH ROSE COSMETICS NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS, LINCOLN, ALABAMA. The CONTESTANTS, including Amber, look around for the directory. It reads: FOR LEASE. A sign at the front of the building reads: SEIZED. SUPER: IN ITS FIFTIETH YEAR, SARAH ROSE COSMETICS WAS SEIZED BY THE IRS FOR TAX EVASION... As the CAMERA catches the reactions of our contestants - SUPER: THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT WAS CANCELED... We STOP on MISS OKLAHOMA. She SCREAMS SUPER: ...PERMANENTLY EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY As the contestants run out the building... SUPER: BUT IN ITS PASSING WE ARE INSPIRED BY THE SPIRIT OF THE MANY YOUNG WOMEN WHO WERE ITS HEART AND SOUL... Contestants THROW and HURL suitcases and items through the glass of the building. SUPER: ...AND BY THE MANY WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN PURSUIT OF THE TITLE... The contestants TEAR DOWN the Sarah Rose Logo. DIP TO BLACK: EXT. CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY A very perky Leslie Miller, with very big hair, stands out front in a white lab coat. She smiles and waves to camera. SUPER: LESLIE MILLER ENTERED "THE CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY"... EXT. STRIP BAR - NIGHT A COLOR PHOTO of slightly less perky Leslie, wearing go- go boots and a smile, dances in a cage. SUPER: SHE WAS LAST HEARD FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE PHILIPPINES. IF YOU SEE HER, PLEASE CALL 1-800-X-QUEEN. DIP TO BLACK: INT./EXT. HARDWARE HANK It's a lovely shot of the front window SUPER: HAROLD VILMES DIED UNEXPECTEDLY OF LYMES DISEASE FROM A DEER TICK BITE Suddenly, HANK, buck naked, runs back and forth past the window, spanking himself and waving "hi." SUPER CONT: LEAVING HANK THE STORE DIP TO BLACK: EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET MOLLY HOWARD is being helped into a van with "Lutheran Children's Orphanage" painted on the side. She looks sad. SUPER: MOLLY HOWARD RETURNED TO THE "LUTHERAN CHILDREN'S ORPHANAGE" AFTER HER PARENTS WERE GUNNED DOWN BY A SNIPER OUTSIDE THE FOOD SHACK. INT. ROOM - DAY CLOSE UP of a newspaper photo of Gladys. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN ENTERED A STATE-WIDE PRISON BEAUTY PAGEANT... The banner and hat she wears read: MINNESOTA 2ND PLACE, CELL BLOCK SUPER: ...SHE CAME IN SECOND. INSERT: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES "EX-BEAUTY QUEEN ESCAPES PRISON, VOWS "REVENGE ON MOUNT ROSE" EXT. MAIN STREET - FOOD SHACK Gladys, wearing Army Fatigues and brandishing a semi- automatic rifle aimed at the FOOD SHACK, holds off a S.W.A.T. team. GLADYS Come on out, you little blonde piece of trailer park trash! LOCAL NEWSCAST Female reporter is on the scene of the Gladys Leeman stand-off outside the food shack. We see Amber, Annette (with hook hand) and other town folk behind her, watching the action. "LIVE" flashes on screen. SUPER: DURING THE SIX-HOUR GLADYS LEEMAN STAND-OFF FEMALE REPORTER We are here in the sixth hour of a shoot-out between Gladys Leeman - MAN AT FOOD SHACK Get down! The female reporter suddenly stiffens and falls over. SUPER: LOCAL REPORTER PAT MILES WAS STRUCK BY A STRAY POLICE BULLET. Amber steps under the police barricade, over Pat's body, takes the mic and continues the newscast. She's a natural. AMBER This is Amber Atkins reporting live from the Food Shack for...KRLH News. One of our reporters has just been shot. SUPER: AMBER, SHOWING AMAZING POISE UNDER PRESSURE, WAS GIVEN HER JOB. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MINNEAPOLIS NEWS STATION Amber, now looking like a Midwestern news anchor, sits with a BLOND MALE ANCHOR. A LOGO in B.G. reads: TV WAZB TWIN CITIES. BLONDE NEWS ANCHOR I'm Peter Aitchison. AMBER And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZB News. SUPER: ...was given her job. AMBER (cont'd) Good night. As they smile and laugh, we: FADE OUT.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB Duck Soup (1933) Screenplay by Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior of the executive mansion. It is a gala day. Soldiers are lined up in front of the entrance; expensive cars and carriages are arriving and depositing distinguished notables from the adjoining countries. Two trumpeters at the head of the stairs announce the arrival of each notable. In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of the late president, is greeting the newcomers. The room is filled with distinguished guests. At the moment we see Mrs. Teasdale, she is talking with a notable. In the near background is a group of distinguished men, members of her own cabinet. Her words to the notable are not lost on them, and as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the exchange of disapproving glances. MRS. TEASDALE It is so good of you to come. NOTABLE An honor, Mrs. Teasdale... You must indeed have great faith in your new dictator to give him such a magnificent reception. MRS. TEASDALE I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the only logical successor to my dear departed husband. He has the statesmanship of Gladstone, the humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom of Pericles. The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the scene. As he does, the background group moves into Mrs. Teasdale. Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale. FIRST CABINET MEMBER (Protestingly) Mrs. Teasdale, as members of Freedonia's cabinet, we do not approve of your choice. Who is this Rufus T. Firefly? SECOND CABINET MEMBER (Waving aloft a paper) A stranger in our midst, an agent for the Eureka Ammunition Company. Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition salesman dictating the policies of our peace-loving country. THIRD CABINET MEMBER Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it is too late. The citizens of Freedonia want a President! MRS. TEASDALE As the widow of your last president, I have the right to choose -- and, Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the matter any further. Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to mumble among themselves. From off scene comes a servant's voice, announcing: SERVANT His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi Trentino of Amnesia! Cut... to the archway. We see Trentino enter with a beautiful brunette at his side. He is followed by two or three of his fellowmen. He moves across the reception hall to Mrs. Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips to the back of her hand, then introduces his companion. TRENTINO Mrs. Teasdale... my niece, Vera. Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl's hand warmly. MRS. TEASDALE (To niece) Your uncle has been such a friend to us in every crisis. Without his country's financial aid -- TRENTINO (Lightly) What is money? (Tenderly) Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do anything. MRS. TEASDALE (Flustered) Ambassador! (Attempting to change the subject) I am so anxious for you to meet our new dictator. TRENTINO (Persistent in his flattery) Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules Freedonia, to me you will always be the first lady of the land. Trentino attempts to take her hand. The latter is a bit confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly says: VERA Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle's hopeless -- you've been the only topic of conversation ever since we left Amnesia. Mrs. Teasdale's confusion is happily interrupted by the announcement of a servant, off scene. SERVANT The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of Mufhtan! MRS. TEASDALE (Hastily) Oh, I must greet His Honor. Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly. Vera and Trentino look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their eyes meet. VERA So that's the one you want to marry. TRENTINO With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and Freedonia under my control -- (He rubs his hands significantly) VERA Maybe it's not going to be so easy. From what I've heard, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly. TRENTINO That's where you come in. I'll leave him in your hands, and don't forget you're supposed to be my niece. Vera winks agreeingly. Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO). She introduces him. MRS. TEASDALE I want you to meet the son of His Excellency -- Bob Firefly... Ambassador Trentino... his niece, Vera, After the formalities of introducing, Trentino says: TRENTINO Isn't it about time for the ceremony to begin, Mrs. Teasdale? (Mockingly) I do hope His Excellency won't be late. BOB (Defensively) My father makes it a point to always be on time. As long as I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment. TRENTINO But it's two minutes of ten now. BOB (As music begins) His Excellency is due To take his station. Beginning his new Administration... He'll make his appearance when The clock on the wall strikes ten. MRS. TEASDALE (singing) When the clock on the wall strikes ten All you loyal ladies and you patriotic men Let's sing the national anthem when... The clock on the wall strikes ten. The clock begins to strike the hour... one... two... three... four... ALL (singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Mightiest of mighty nations! Hail, hail, Freedonia Land of the brave and free. This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects the reception hall with the outer hall. Groucho doesn't appear and once more they all sing. ALL (singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once more. ALL Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with Bob. Vera and Trentino smile. MRS. TEASDALE (Nervously) I hope nothing has happened. BOB Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is nothing to worry about. Father is probably taking extra care in getting into his robes of state. I'll call him. Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a tapestried bell cord. This rings a fire bell in Groucho's room -- and Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed under a mosquito netting. He has an unlighted cigar in his mouth. The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him from his slumber and he rises quickly. The cigar begins to emit smoke when he starts puffing. He hurries over to one corner of the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman fashion, gets into them, and then sides down a fireman's pole into the reception hall. The guests are singing the last two lines of the national anthem when he arrives. ALL Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of Mrs. Teasdale. He passes several notables, one of whom is wearing an impressive looking medal. Groucho deprives him of it without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on himself. He pauses only when he is facing the principal group. MRS. TEASDALE (Beaming as she addresses Groucho) As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you and extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia. I deem it an honor on this momentous occasion... GROUCHO (Interrupting) Never mind that stuff... He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends them to Mrs. Teasdale. GROUCHO Take a card. The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies. Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket. MRS. TEASDALE What'll I do with this card? GROUCHO You can keep it -- I've got a whole pack... Now what were you saying? MRS. TEASDALE As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms. GROUCHO How late do you stay open? MRS. TEASDALE In choosing you, I feel that I serve my country well. I heartily endorse everything you stand for. GROUCHO Well, I won't stand for much. And I won't stand for you if you don't show some improvement soon. Look at your report card last month -- "D" in spelling... six in behavior. Now who were the six? A fine state of affairs -- no wonder you can't matriculate, now what were you saying? MRS. TEASDALE The future of Freedonia rests upon you. Promise me you will follow in my husband's footsteps. GROUCHO (To CAMERA) I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. (To Mrs. Teasdale) Not that I care -- but where is your husband? MRS. TEASDALE (Slightly embarrassed) Why - er -- my husband passed away... (reverently) I was with him to the very end. GROUCHO No wonder he passed away. I'd like to be with you to the very end. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you -- I love you. MRS. TEASDALE (Very warmly) Your Excellency! GROUCHO You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Teasdale, when I look at you I can see that we're facing a crisis. We've got to balance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including, you. Ambassador Trentino enters the scene. MRS. TEASDALE Oh... Your Excellency... I would like to present to you... Ambassador Verdi Trentino Of Amnesia... Having him with us today is indeed a great honor. TRENTINO (To Mrs. Teasdale, smiling appreciatively) Thanks... but I can't stay very long. GROUCHO That's even a greater honor. TRENTINO I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will of my people. GROUCHO I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars. TRENTINO Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum... I'll have to discuss that with my Minister of Finance. GROUCHO Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally? TRENTINO (Surprised) $50? GROUCHO I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as security. (Throwing a glance at Mrs. Teasdale) or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the jackknife... I've a better proposition... Make it $25 and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you foreclose. TRENTINO (With a puzzled look at Groucho) Your Excellency, haven't we met before? GROUCHO (Looking at Trentino) Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have won that race if you tried a little harder. Vera Trentino enters scene. TRENTINO Excellency, may I present my niece. GROUCHO Go ahead. TRENTINO You don't understand. This is my niece Vera. GROUCHO (Throwing her a glance) And Vera niece, too. VERA Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom. GROUCHO You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of it. Where's my secretary? (Looking around) Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene. BOB Here I am, Father. GROUCHO (To Bob) Take a letter. BOB (Taking out a stenographer's pad and pencil) Who to? GROUCHO The President of the United States. Bob writes as Groucho dictates GROUCHO My dear President... read it back... BOB (Reading from pad) "My dear President"... GROUCHO That doesn't sound right... take out "President"... now read it. BOB (Reading) "My dear"... GROUCHO That's not right yet... put back "President" and take out "dear"... How does it read now? BOB (Reading) "My President"... GROUCHO There's still something wrong with it... take out "President" ...now what've you got? BOB (Reading) "My"... GROUCHO Now we're on the right track... Put back "dear"... How does it read? BOB (Reading) "My dear"... GROUCHO You can't say that to the President... Put back "President"... Now let's hear how sounds. BOB (Reading) "My dear President"... GROUCHO That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and send it airmail. BOB Is that all? GROUCHO Take another letter... to my tailor. Bob takes dictation again. GROUCHO Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly... Send that immediately. BOB I'll have to enclose the check first. GROUCHO You do and I'll fire you. Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize his remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale enters to Groucho. MRS. TEASDALE (To Groucho) Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every land are gathered here in your honor -- (Indicating the guests with a wave of her hand) This is a gala day for us. GROUCHO Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any more. MRS. TEASDALE If it's not asking too much -- (Recitative) For our information just for illustration (Begins tune) Tell us how you intend to run the nation. GROUCHO (Singing) These are the laws of my administration: No one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke -- And whistling is forbidden... ENSEMBLE (Singing) We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA GROUCHO (Singing) If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer is pursued And in the hoosegow hidden... ENSEMBLE (Singing) If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued - GROUCHO If any form of pleasure is exhibited Report to me and it will be prohibited. I'll put my foot down; So shall it be - This is the land of the free. The last man nearly ruined this place He didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does sailor's hornpipe) The treasury is low on dough; The last man went and flew with it. If you think we're short of money now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does Highland fling) The country's taxes must be fixed - And I know what to do with it, If you think you're paying too much now, Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Takes flute from inside pocket and plays strain of Dixie) DIGNITARY (Singing) In our midst you stand The ruler of this land A man who'll govern with an iron hand. GROUCHO (Singing) If anyone gets fresh with me, I'll show him who's the boss; I'll stand upon my dignity, And toss him for a loss. And this will be the penalty For those who doublecross - We'll stand 'em up against the wall, and Pop goes the Weasel ENSEMBLE (Singing) If you should make him cross, He'll toss you for a loss. If anyone gets fresh with him, He'll show him who's the boss. Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung GROUCHO (Singing) I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair; I'm strictly on the up and up, So everyone beware. If anyone's caught taking graft And I don't get my share, we'll stand 'em up against the wall - and pop goes the weasel! ENSEMBLE (Singing) So everyone beware Who's crooked or unfair; No one must take a bit of graft Unless he gets his share. (Groucho dances as above is sung) GROUCHO (Singing) If any man should come between A husband and his bride, We find out which one she prefers By letting her decide. If she prefers the other man, The husband steps outside; We stand him up against the wall And Pop goes the Weasel! ENSEMBLE (Singing) The husband steps outside; Relinquishes his bride; We stand him up against the wall And take him for a ride. (Groucho dances as above is sung) GROUCHO The population must increase With great rapidity. We give a couple seven years To raise a family. If, by that time, there is no branch Upon the family tree, we stand 'em up against the wall - and Pop goes the Weasel. Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance continues. He might finish dance in her arms, looking tenderly at her as she beams down at him. MRS. TEASDALE (As she beams on him) You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal... It is easy to see you have an open mind. GROUCHO That's what I get for dressing in a hurry. MRS. TEASDALE Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the House of Representatives... Have you got your speech ready? GROUCHO I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their seats... (He takes a paper from inside pocket as he says above... then reads from paper) Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation -- MRS. TEASDALE Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg... GROUCHO (With a look of great surprise) He did?... I told my son not to leave it laying around... Where is son? Bob enters BOB Here I am, Father... GROUCHO Send for my car... BOB (Calling to servant off scene) His Excellency's car! This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene... A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat. He bows low as he hands it to Groucho... Groucho takes hat, removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his hat and with a swanky gesture exits... again we hear a servant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car"... We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion, outside, standing at attention... their trumpets at their sides... From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His Excellency's car"... The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon the car... We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage. This is a pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in the center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in background identify the garage. At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter's call. Instantly the two guards move to the center of the gates and call through the bars - GUARDS (In unison) His Excellency's car! Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the other side of the wall. The two guards open gates moving in military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car. The motorcycle is decorated... perhaps a crest in relief on the side of the car... a thin staff, about four or five feet high is fastened to the handle bars... As Harpo rides along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further along the road he hits a man... he looks behind to see what damage he's done, but continues riding... A CUT BACK to the man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground. We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motorcycle... he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows a few bars of taps... he mounts motorcycle again and starts off... CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from mansion... the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing hands... Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down stairs... as fast as they can. CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho, carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho gets into the side-car... and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo: GROUCHO To the House of Representatives... ride like fury... Don't stop for any signals and don't wait for a corner to make a turn... see if you can break a record... Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the ground... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle starts off but leaves the side-car. Groucho gets out of side-car... starts back to steps, stops and says: GROUCHO A fine thing -- leaving the head of the nation at the foot of the stairs... As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo... riding along... A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo pursuing and breaks into a run... CUT BACK to Harpo following her, putting on speed... he lowers the Freedonian flag and simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and cross- bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop is parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators... he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor and follows in pursuit... The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the scene and rides up the stairs after her... As Harpo gets about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen approaching the mansion. CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly through the room... a moment later we see Harpo on his bike following... there is panic among the guests. Then we see the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular balcony... CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he rides and sees the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On the balcony above, the girl is running, with an occasional glance over her shoulder as she runs out of scene... Harpo rides into scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the manner of a six day bicycle rider... following closely behind him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle the mezzanine... Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder at his pursuer... this is done in imitation of a six day bicycle race... The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo... the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony... as he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes another open doorway. Harpo comes riding out of it and is now in pursuit of the cop... CUT down stairs to Groucho... One hand is upraised holding a gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then addresses guests looking into CAMERA. GROUCHO That concludes the nine o'clock sprints... Next Saturday night the winner of the six day bicycle race will receive ten thousand dollars in gold... the following morning we go off the gold standard... CUT BACK to balcony... Harpo is passing the cop... He holds up his hand for the cop to stop... they both come to a halt... Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over angrily to cop, takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the cop as we FADE OUT... END OF SEQUENCE "A" SEQUENCE "B" FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Representatives. This interior although not a replica of our own House of Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious-looking dignitary. On the platform are a few desks... perhaps a pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives... The one to the right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by Bob Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses. Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the House. SPEAKER Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for forty-six years we have enjoyed the friendship of Amnesia, so ably represented by Ambassador Trentino. (Indicating the Ambassador who is present) We owe it to ourselves to listen to what he has to say... Trentino takes the floor TRENTINO Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual for a representative of one country to advise the legislative body of another, I assure you that I have the interest of Freedonia at heart ... (Deferential applause) We have lent you money in the past -- we are willing to lend you money again -- but, we cannot do it if your leader is allowed by you, to carry out his ridiculous proposals... In self-protection it is my -- Bob rises to interrupt BOB I object!... we have no right to discuss this matter in the absence of my father. SPEAKER (To House) We have been meeting every morning for eight days and not once has His Excellency been on time... TRENTINO (Looking at his watch) Gentlemen, I cannot wait much longer... SPEAKER (To Bob) Would you mind calling your father again? Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall... CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene. Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he slides down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide down the pole into the House of Representatives. As he arrives the members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the national anthem. MEMBERS (Singing) HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the brave and free... Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on his coat as he goes... Just as he reaches the desk the singing subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in the direction of one of the representatives. GROUCHO (Pointing toward the individual off scene) The Secretary of Agriculture was a little flat... (He takes a match and scratches it across the top of the desk to light his cigar... takes a few puffs, then raps the gavel.) I move we open the morning session... Has anybody got a cork screw? (Looking out and around at members) [page missing] GROUCHO What's to stop you from digging one... And after you dig a river, how're ya gonna cross it without a bridge...? We've got to have a bridge to stop people from going places -- then we've gotta stop them from coming back. If you're worried about the expense we can have a bridge with only one end -- and if that's a success we can do away with it altogether. I'm telling you that what this country needs is -- Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"... this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first strain of the PEANUT VENDOR... Groucho listens, annoyed and then continues GROUCHO If there's one thing we don't need right now -- it's peanuts -- gentlemen, what good is a bridge if you haven't got ammunition to blow it up... ammunition was never cheaper... Right now, you can get two cannons for the price of one and shoot twice as far for half the money... With every five thousand dollar purchase we throw in a Big Bertha... If you don't like her, you can throw her right out again. I tell you no country can protect itself without -- Again Chico's voice comes over scene singing "P-E-A-N-U-T- S"... The whistling of the first strain of song - the PEANUT VENDOR is heard again SPEAKER I'm sorry your Excellency, it is that infernal peanut vendor Chicolini... How can we accomplish anything with that constant annoyance? TRENTINO Your Excellency - are we or are we not going to discuss this problem - my time is valuable - I'm a man of few words - GROUCHO I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!! Trentino exits resentfully GROUCHO (To Bob - aroused) Go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building -- Get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of peanuts. BOB I've tried to chase him but it's no use - he won't go - GROUCHO He won't eh? - We'll see about that - send for your father immediately. BOB But you're my father - GROUCHO Never mind then, I'll get in touch with him myself - CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has a whistle on it conspicuously displayed - CHICO (Singing loudly) "P-E-A-N-U-T-S" CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT VENDOR" - Trentino enters to Chico - CHICO (To Trentino) How'm I doing, boss? TRENTINO Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything you can to disturb Firefly - Now what about your cousin? CHICO He's working very hard - I got him a job driving Firefly's car - He's-a driving him crazy and I'm driving him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the "Peanut Vendor" is heard coming over scene with orchestra accompaniment... GROUCHO (Glaring angrily at window) I'll get rid of that pest - watch me -- He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish dancer... as he reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is by his peanut stand. GROUCHO (To Chico - angrily) Hey you!! CHICO All right - Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho - The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts to eat the peanuts. GROUCHO Have you got a license? CHICO No, but my dog he's a got millions of them -- GROUCHO (Munching peanuts as Chico walks over and stands under window) What kind of a dog is he? CHICO He used to be a bloodhound but he's anemic -- GROUCHO Well - what is he now? CHICO He's half poodle and half watch dog - GROUCHO Half watch dog? CHICO Yeh, he's only got one eye. GROUCHO I don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end of a leash - a ninety-nine year leash - (Gives him a look of disgust) Look - what do you call your dog? CHICO I don't call him, I whistle. GROUCHO What do you whistle? CHICO Yankee Poodle. GROUCHO I've got just the place for a man like you but I'm too busy right now to do any digging. What do you call your dog when you want him? CHICO I don't want him. GROUCHO Well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a pound? CHICO He only weighs ten ounces -- GROUCHO I can use you in the House of Representatives. We need a man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is going to. Step inside. Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of House of Representatives GROUCHO (To Bob) In case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place? BOB (After a moment's thought) About - thirty-four seconds. GROUCHO We'll start a fire -- (Indicating representatives) -- and get rid of these microbes. Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office. CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone. Just as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico enters through the other door. He is wearing gauntlets, reaching half way up his arms. As they walk toward each other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad dash for the telephone on the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the phone, picks up the receiver. CHICO (At telephone) Hello!... Yes... Yes... He's not in... Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting impatiently CHICO That was for you. GROUCHO I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you... Now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yelling "peanuts" in front of the House of Representatives. CHICO Oh no, I can't do it. GROUCHO You don't want to be a public nuisance, do you? CHICO Sure. How much does the job pay? (or) Sure, if there's a chance for advancement. GROUCHO You wouldn't consider going over Niagara Falls without a barrel? CHICO 'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara Falls once. GROUCHO Did you shoot the rapids? CHICO No, but I shot some ducks. GROUCHO If there was an open season for fellows like you, I'd get myself a hunting license. Anyway, I'm going to make you a sporting proposition. You give up the peanut stand and I'll make you vice-president of the country. CHICO Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a brother who was a vice-president once and that's the last we ever heard of him. GROUCHO Well, maybe he's still the vice- president. Now if I were to offer you -- Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and run for the telephone. Again Chico gets there first. Groucho stands by exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end of the line CHICO (To telephone) Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All right... Goodbye. (Hangs up receiver - then says to Groucho) That was for you again. He wants you to call him up as soon as you get back. GROUCHO I don't know what's keeping me. I should've been here a long time ago. Now how about my proposition? CHICO What other job you got? GROUCHO Let's see -- What've I got in my cabinet besides mice -- (Stops to think - then very enthusiastically) I've got it -- how would you like to be Secretary of the Interior? CHICO That's no good. I like to work on the outside. I must have something easy. GROUCHO Then you don't wanna work hard? CHICO I don't wanna work at all. GROUCHO In that case you'll have to take a civil service examination -- if you pass I'll put you in the post-office -- stick out your tongue. CHICO I don't wanna stick out my tongue. GROUCHO Well, if you wanna work in the post- office you'll have to stick out your tongue. CHICO Look, I'm a very nervous man. I gotta have a job where I come to work at eleven -- go to lunch at twelve -- and quit at one. And twice a year I gotta have a six month vacation. GROUCHO I've got just the job for you -- Secretary of War. CHICO 'At's-a fine. Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash for the telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and reaches the phone first. Harpo picks up through telephone receiver, listens to conversation on the other end with an occasional nod and shake of the head. As he listens, he scribbles message on a piece of paper. He holds the written message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes a few more words on the paper. During this, Chico and Groucho stand by, terribly worried. Finally Harpo hangs up the receiver and exits, tearing up the paper GROUCHO (After a moment's glance at Harpo) You know, I'd be lost without a telephone. Now - where were we? Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary of War. The first thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and I get 10% commission. CHICO What do I get? GROUCHO You get half mine and I get half yours. CHICO I don't want to buy ammunition -- we no gotta war. GROUCHO Then we've gotta start one. Do you know how to start a war? CHICO Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult somebody. Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves, then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to Chico in the professional manner of an experienced duelist GROUCHO My card. CHICO (Laughing) That's a-no good. You gotta insult somebody from another country. Look -- (Puts his large gloves on the desk) I come from one country. You come from another country. I say something you don't like. You say something I don't like - and I'm insulted. GROUCHO Why wasn't I insulted? CHICO You was insulted, but you don't know it. GROUCHO (Indignantly) Then I demand an apology! CHICO That's a-no good. If I apologize we no got a war. Look -- I send you a scrap of paper. You send me a scrap of paper -- and we have a scrap. GROUCHO You've got a brain after all - and how you get along without it is amazing to me -- Now, who can I insult?... Who do we owe money to?... (Enthusiastically) AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him? CHICO He's-a very easy to insult -- I say something to his niece once, and he slapped my face. GROUCHO Why didn't his niece slap your face? CHICO She did. GROUCHO What did you say to her? Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho gives him an indignant look GROUCHO You're lucky I don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed of yourself. Where did you hear that story? CHICO You told it to me. GROUCHO (Puzzled for a moment) Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me... I'm going right out and find Trentino. You go right out and get yourself an army. Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him GROUCHO Wait a minute. What kind of an army do you think we oughtta have? CHICO I think we oughtta have a standing army, so we can save money on chairs. At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk and sees the larger gauntlets. He takes a swing with his own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets in is hand. CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side car. Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets, gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand, says: GROUCHO To Mrs. Teasdale's residence! The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car behind. GROUCHO This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been anywhere yet. And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back into the building, the scene FADES OUT END OF SEQUENCE "B" SEQUENCE "C" FADE IN to garden party. This is an afternoon tea in the garden of the Teasdale estate. Spotted in the set-up are innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables. The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the first sequence. The only two people absent are Ambassador Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale. Vera Trentino is seated at one of the tables and her presence is established there in the opening shot. Music is heard over the scene and should be continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra on the premises. Suddenly the chatter ceases as the following announcement is heard coming over scene. GUARD'S VOICE (From off scene) His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly! All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone rises to sing the last four bars of the national anthem. Cut to the gateway leading into the garden... a servant on each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets... GUESTS (Singing) HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the brave and free... Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards and starts down the walk among the guests. From his attitude it is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador Trentino. Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest off scene. The following dialogue comes over the scene. TRENTINO'S VOICE Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage would not only unite two great families... CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner of the garden -- both are at a tea table. This shot leaves Groucho out. TRENTINO (Continuing) ...but would further cement the relations of our countries. MRS. TEASDALE (Fluttering with excitement) Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed honored... (Falteringly) But you see - well - I -- TRENTINO (Repressing his anger - coldly) Oh. Then there his somebody else? MRS. TEASDALE Well no -- not exactly -- but -- TRENTINO (Impatiently) Gloria -- I've waited for years. I won't be put off! I love you! I want you! (Taking her hand pleadingly) Can't you see that I'm at your feet? Groucho enters the scene. GROUCHO (To Trentino) When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine. I haven't been to a chiropodist in two years... (To CAMERA) If that's not an insult, I don't know what is. (Turns to Gloria) Gloria, I love you. I -- TRENTINO (Furious, to Gloria) Can't we go some place where we can be alone? GROUCHO (To Mrs. Teasdale) What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family. I can't give you wealth... (Archly lifting his eyebrow) ...but we can have a little family of our own. MRS. TEASDALE (Coyly) Oh, Rufus! GROUCHO All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head. MRS. TEASDALE (Happily confused) Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know what to say. GROUCHO I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. (Turning to Trentino) Maybe you can suggest something. TRENTINO (Hotly) This has gone far enough! This interruption is humiliating, to say the least... GROUCHO Well, why not say the least and get it over with? MRS. TEASDALE (Fearful) Gentlemen! Gentlemen! TRENTINO (Half addressing Mrs. Teasdale) I didn't come here to be insulted. GROUCHO That's what you think. TRENTINO (Furiously) You swine! GROUCHO Give me that again! TRENTINO You worm! GROUCHO Once more! (Holds his gauntlets in his hand, ready at any moment to strike) TRENTINO You upstart! GROUCHO That's it! No man lives who can call a Firefly an upstart. Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across the face with his gauntlets. Then he quickly flashes his card and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist. GROUCHO (As he offers the card) Touché. A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted by the rumpus begin to move into the scene. Prominent among these is Vera Trentino. Trentino refuses Groucho's card, white with rage. TRENTINO (Coldly) I shall report this indignity the my President. (To Mrs. Teasdale - polite but firm) Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this regrettable occurrence will plunge our countries into war. MRS. TEASDALE (Half crying) This is terrible! VERA Uncle, you can't do this! TRENTINO (Politely) My dear niece -- I must ask you not to interfere. War is not a woman's problem. VERA (Rising angrily) It is every woman's problem. Who supplies the sons? -- the brothers? -- the husbands? Who... GROUCHO (To Vera -- interrupting) You keep that up and you'll crab the whole war. VERA Carry out this tragic folly if you will -- But I for one will not be a part of it. (She winks at Trentino) I will stay here in Freedonia. TRENTINO (As a faint smile of understanding vanishes from his face) Very well then, if that's how you feel about it -- (suggestive shrug of his shoulders) My country has spoken. He turns on his heel as if about to leave. Groucho stops him GROUCHO Then it's war? TRENTINO (Stiffly) Yes. GROUCHO How're ya fixed for ammunition? TRENTINO Bah!! (Waves Groucho aside and exits) GROUCHO (Dramatically) THEN IT'S WAR! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta GROUCHO THEN IT'S WAR! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta GROUCHO GATHER THE FORCES! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta GROUCHO HARNESS THE HORSES! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta GROUCHO THEN IT'S WAR! The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is punctuated by the staccato notes of the trumpet. Groucho makes a military exit from scene in time to the music, which goes into a military march. As Groucho reaches the gate, the guard hands him his high silk hat. Groucho takes the hat -- removes a white rabbit from it -- hands it to the guard -- as he exits through gate. DISSOLVE. END OF SEQUENCE "C" SEQUENCE "D" INSERT of newspaper. The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from background -- as it stops we read the following headlines: "ARMIES MOBILIZE AS WAR CLOUDS GATHER!" Through this insert we get the vague impression of war activity. We see the movement of soldiers' feet. From the background the second insert moves up to CAMERA... The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert comes from the background. The headline reads: "AMNESIA HASTENS PREPARATIONS!" Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons moving along. This is replaced by the the insert coming from the background. The headlines read - "FREEDONIA'S LEADER MAINTAINS ATTITUDE OF DIGNIFIED SILENCE!" Bombing planes move through this insert. The front page of the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until we come to the classified ad section of the paper. We see the following advertisement: WANTED: - A female spy. Must be young and attractive Apply to Office of Secretary of War. Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad -- WANTED: -- A Chauffeur Below the war nurse ad we see part of another ad in which a cook is wanted. DISSOLVE TO A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously those of very pretty girls. The CAMERA moves upward disclosing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row in the ante-room of the Secretary of War's office. On the door leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the lettering: PRIVATE. The CAMERA discloses only four or five of these girls, but we know there are more in the room. Bob appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and addresses the first girl - nearest the door. BOB The Secretary of War will see you next, Miss. This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form. She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's office. Bob closes the door behind her. The CAMERA now moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl. On the other side of him are more girls. A girl to the right of him turns to the girl beside her. GIRL (To the girl at her right) Did you hear the one about the woman taking a bath?... Well, she forgot to lock the door... A man came in and said, "I'm a doctor"... The woman said, "I'm not sick"... and the man said, "that's all right. I'm not a doctor." All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark. Harpo is laughing also. He slaps the story-teller on the leg. Her laughter ceases instantly. She slaps him back, and gets another slap on the leg in return. A little squeal of pain from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her leg just above the knee. GIRL (To Harpo) Look! Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his leg for her to look. On his leg is tattooed a picture of two hearts entwined with an arrow running through both. She gives Harpo dirty look and rises CUT TO Private office of Secretary of War. The office is cluttered with war implements, maps, etc. The examination of the girl is in progress. She is turning around in the manner of a clothes model. Chico is looking her over. CHICO (To girl) You look pretty good to me - but very still need a spy - Have you got any credentials? The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees revealing an attractive leg. She reaches into her stocking for a paper. CHICO (Taking a very good look) You got credentials all right. The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico. Chico looks at the paper CHICO This is fine. Put it back. Hands the girl the paper. She lifts her dress above her knees again and puts the paper back in her stocking, while Chico looks on. She drops her skirt. CHICO I think I better take another look at that paper... She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico steals another glance. The girl drops her skirt and hands him the paper. CHICO (Looking at the paper) I look this over later -- now I look you over. If you want to be a spy, you gotta be in good condition. I better examine you. He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to her heart and listens. CHICO (Listening to girl's heart beat) There's something wrong -- I think I'm getting Whiteman's band. Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch from vest pocket. He feels her pulse while looking at the watch. CHICO According to my watch it's four o'clock. (Puts watch back in his pocket) Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta make love to men. Come on -- let's see you make love... She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair, puts both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very amorous, bends him over and kisses him madly. She lets go after a little while and Chico comes up for air. He staggers around in a daze. Then he takes the watch from his vest pocket, hands it to her, extends his wrist and says: CHICO Now you feel my pulse. Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of confusion. The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two of them are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above their knees. There is a little white mouse running about the room. Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench. The girl just interviewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse, screams and joins in the general confusion. Groucho enters as the girls are running about - zig-zags among them and continues through the room into the private office of Chico - closing door behind him. The girls clear out of anteroom and Harpo is left all alone. He takes a small mouse trap from his large pocketbook, puts it on the floor, crouches down and whistles to the mouse in the manner of a man trying to call a dog. The mouse in answer to the whistle runs into the trap. CUT TO The Secretary of War's office. Chico at the phone. CHICO (To phone) Send in the next girl. (He hangs receiver up) GROUCHO By the way, are you sure we need a spy? CHICO Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no got a spy who's gonna tell the other side what we're doing? At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door, carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the size of a carpetbag. He walks past Groucho in a seductive manner, swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously. Groucho is delighted with this action and returns the ogling. CHICO (To Harpo) Have you got any credentials? Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his leg of the two hearts. Groucho examines it closely. GROUCHO I don't go in much for modern art. Have you got anything by one of the old masters? Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a picture of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy". Chico and Groucho arise from the examination. GROUCHO I'm glad I didn't ask you for "Washington Crossing the Delaware". CHICO (To Harpo) We've gotta have somebody who knows how to get secrets from men. You know how to make love? Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him and starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very hard. In the midst of this there is a loud report. A startled look from Groucho and Chico. We see that Harpo is minus one breast. He tries to affect an innocent look when suddenly there is a second loud report and his breasts are now as flat as a billiard table. Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho, a hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his bustle and the bustle is becoming deflated.) GROUCHO (To Harpo) You ought to carry a spare. Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back to CAMERA. He takes a tube out of his dress front and begins to blow. Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled look as they watch him - the bustle starts to expand. This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as they look on. GROUCHO (Looking at Harpo) We're certainly living in a marvelous age. There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's clothes are blown off him - leaving him in nothing but running pants and ladies' silk stockings. His body is literally covered with tattoos. CHICO (Laughing) That's very funny... he certainly fooled me. He'll make a good spy. Winks significantly at Harpo. Harpo returns the wink. GROUCHO (Examining tattoos) If we can't use him as a spy, we can have him framed. He and Chico continue further examination of the tattooed designs on Harpo's body. CHICO Say, that's a nice collection. You oughta have a catalogue. Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his trunks and hands it to Chico. Groucho and Chico look at the catalogue. GROUCHO Let's take a look at number eighteen. Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb tattooed job of a beautiful girl's head. CHICO (Referring to picture of girl) Say, she's all right. You got-a her phone number? Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number tattooed right under the arm pit. He holds this a moment, then turns and discloses a portion of the tattooing on his chest. Groucho and Chico's eyes shift from the telephone number to the tattooed picture on his chest. Harpo completes move and discloses the entire picture. It is a country back-house with a crescent over the door. Chico laughs uproariously. CHICO (Laughing) That's a funny one! He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly. TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST. The door in the outhouse flies open. The head of a real man appears in the opening. He looks off in the direction of Chico and mumbles incoherencies under his breath. He is terribly angry at being interrupted. He draws in his head, closing the door behind him. CHICO (To Harpo) I think we can use you. Here's a spy glass... go ahead and do some spying... Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward the window. As he looks across street through binoculars, he is grinning all over and wiggling around like a happy kid. ROOM ACROSS THE STREET Looking into the open window of a bedroom as Harpo would see it through the binoculars. A beautiful girl is undressing, preparing to retire. After a moment of this shot CUT BACK to Harpo looking through the binoculars. Chico takes the binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the scene, proceeds to look himself. He registers the same satisfaction as Harpo and hands the binoculars to Groucho. As Groucho looks through the binoculars at the beautiful girl, Chico says: CHICO He's going to make a good spy... that's not bad for the first day. GROUCHO (Turning and looking at Chico) That's not bad for any day. Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars at the beautiful girl. This time he sees Harpo chasing the girl around the roam. This is shot through the binoculars as before. Groucho registers amazement as he looks through binoculars; perhaps squints his eyes once or twice and takes second look. GROUCHO (To Chico) Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a look. Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room across the street. Binocular shot as before. The girl is in her underwear, tearing out of the room into the hall, pursued by Harpo. Chico is still looking through the binoculars. GROUCHO You're right about that guy -- I think we've got something. CHICO I don't know about us, but I know he's-a got something... CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the beautiful girl. She comes dashing madly out of the door and starts down the street, clad only in her underwear. Harpo appears in doorway, riding his motorcycle and starts down the street after her. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "D" SEQUENCE "E" FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home... It is a smartly appointed room. Its main feature for our purposes is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above. In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by fireplace while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up and down... TRENTINO This is all Firefly's fault -- that idiot, that fool... VERA I thought everything was working out fine. TRENTINO Fine nothing! I didn't want war... My plan was to marry Mrs. Teasdale and overthrow Firefly. VERA Maybe you can still win the old dame over -- why not try to -- At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming downstairs and hushes Vera with a nudge. MRS. TEASDALE (As she descends stairs) I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting... Trentino walks over to meet her. TRENTINO (Taking her hand) Mrs. Teasdale... (Kisses her hand) I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with his Excellency, but his attitude left me no alternative... MRS. TEASDALE (Emotionally) To think that this should happen after all these years of friendship. VERA Maybe the war can still be averted... MRS. TEASDALE (Hopefully) Oh, if only it could... TRENTINO Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket my pride and do anything I can to make up with his Excellency. MRS. TEASDALE (Solicitously) Oh, would you...? TRENTINO For you, I would do anything... (Bowing graciously) VERA If only we can get his Excellency to listen to reason... TRENTINO (To Mrs. Teasdale) Perhaps he will listen to you... MRS. TEASDALE Perhaps... I'll call him... She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number there is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging significant looks... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone... MRS. TEASDALE (Talking into phone) Hello, your Excellency?... I hate to disturb you -- I know you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once. CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone... He is lying in bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers... the bed is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers... GROUCHO (Into phone) Why not come over here? -- You can come in the back way and no one'll see you... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. MRS. TEASDALE (Into phone) But your Excellency, you must -- oh thank you -- please hurry... (She hangs up phone... and walks over to her guests) He'll be right over... CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room), disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino. GROUCHO (Hanging on to pole -- addressing Trentino) If I knew you were here I would've brought some cheese... He shoots right up the pole again out of sight. Hold CAMERA on this shot for an instant... Groucho comes sliding down again... this time he is fully dressed, including his high hat and the cigar in s mouth... He walks over to Trentino belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on the way. GROUCHO (To Trentino) So -- you've come to ask for clemency! I'll give the enemy no quarter -- not a dime... MRS. TEASDALE But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador is here on a friendly visit... He came to ask you to patch up the breach. GROUCHO Let him patch up his own breeches... TRENTINO (To Groucho -- ignoring Groucho's remark) I'm sorry we lost our tempers... I'm willing to forget if you are. GROUCHO Forget? (Like an injured woman) You ask me to forget... Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves... and I'd only have to bury them again... A Firefly never forgets... TRENTINO I am willing to apologize... I'm willing to do anything to prevent this war. GROUCHO Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease on the battlefield. I'd lose my deposit, besides, I've already ordered the ammunition... VERA (Putting her arms around Groucho) Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do? GROUCHO Yes, but I'll talk to you about that when we're alone... MRS. TEASDALE (Coming to Groucho) Oh, won't you reconsider... GROUCHO (Relenting) Well, maybe I am a little headstrong... But, you know, it's awfully hard to forget what he called me. (Indicating Trentino) TRENTINO What I called you... Why, what did I call you? GROUCHO I don't remember. TRENTINO (With a little chuckle) Oh -- you mean... worm? GROUCHO (Smiling coyly) No, that wasn't it... TRENTINO Was it -- swine? GROUCHO (Same attitude as above) No... it was a seven letter word. TRENTINO (Thinking, then with a broad smile) Oh yes! -- UPSTART! GROUCHO That's it... Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and socks him across the face... and puts them in his own breast pocket. Trentino becomes apoplectic TRENTINO (Spluttering and stuttering) Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is an outrage! This man is impossible... My course is clear... this means war... (Turns to go and turns and yells to Groucho) You RUNT! GROUCHO I still like UPSTART the best. Trentino exits in a rage. Vera pretends that she is overcome by the scene VERA (Putting her hand to her brow) Oh, this is dreadful! If you'll excuse me I'll go to my room... She exits toward stairway MRS. TEASDALE (Excited - almost hysterical) Yes, it's awful! (To Groucho) Are you sure you did the right thing? GROUCHO Of course. Who ever heard of calling off a war after ordering all the ammunition? By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited from scene. Groucho looks around the room furtively to make sure he is not being observed and takes a large envelope from his inside pocket. GROUCHO The plans of war are in this envelope. I want you to take care of them -- no one will ever suspect you. He hands papers to her CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the scene below. Having heard the conversation, she exits from scene, and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. GROUCHO Guard them with your life... don't leave them out of your sight... If the enemy gets those papers we're lost. If they don't get them, we're lost. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you... Mrs. Teasdale, you're the salt of the earth. They don't come any better than you... MRS. TEASDALE (Modestly, with a bashful lowering of her eyes) Now -- er -- GROUCHO Well -- they might come better but they don't come any bigger... and the bigger the better. The bigger the betta you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking about horses, why don't you marry me. Come, come -- say yes and you'll never see me again. I'll go 'way if it means your happiness... MRS. TEASDALE Oh, your Excellency, you take me off my feet. Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuccessfully to lift her off her feet. GROUCHO (Angrily) Swell chance I've got taking you off your feet... Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesitation, Groucho slides into her lap and continues his passionate love making. GROUCHO Gloria -- may I call you Gloria? MRS. TEASDALE Why -- why -- of course. GROUCHO You can call me Gloria too. Gloria -- what a beautiful name. When I was born my mother named me Gloria -- two minutes later she found out her mistake... CUT TO door as Bob enters. He moves in the direction of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. BOB (Coming into scene) Father... GROUCHO (Looks up and sees Bob... without being a bit disturbed... remains on her lap) Take a letter... Bob takes out pad and pencil. BOB Who to? GROUCHO None of your business... Take another letter. Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in the manner of a studious business man with his hands behind his back... then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad. GROUCHO Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight -- (Turns to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, I could go for you in a big way -- (turns to Bob) However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty -- (Then to Mrs. Teasdale) -- and I don't say that to everybody -- (Now to Bob) Have not received last month's drawing account. How come? (To Mrs. Teasdale) Your neck is like a swan... Yours very truly. Now read it back. (Dashes back to Mrs. Teasdale's lap) BOB (Reading from pad) Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen. Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight. Gloria, I could go for you in a big way. However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty and I don't say that to everybody. Have not received last month's drawing account; how come your neck is like a swan. Yours very truly... GROUCHO (Rising to his feet) They'll know I mean business then they get that letter... see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too. BOB Yes, sir. (Exits from scene) GROUCHO (Turning to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd be crazy to stay here. MRS. TEASDALE Well, if you must go -- She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him. He removes a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her. He is about to put the hat on his head when something in the hat attracts his attention. He empties six baby rabbits out of the hat onto the table; puts his hat on and exits. CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up to the curb in his motorcycle and sidecar. Groucho comes out of house and walks directly to motorcycle. GROUCHO (To Harpo) I'm not taking any more chances. You sit in the sidecar... Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar. Groucho sits on driver's seat. The sound of the motor is heard and Harpo drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the motorcycle. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "E" SEQUENCE "F" FADE INTO Insert of program GEMS FROM THE OPERAS PREMIER DANSEUSE VERA TRENTINO DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company singing aria from some well-known opera. CUT TO orchestra box nearest proscenium arch. Harpo and Chico are there fast asleep leaning on each other. They are dressed in Inverness capes - wearing their high hats. Chico has a red band across his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in gold letters. An usher enters box with two people in the background. USHER (To Chico and Harpo) I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have the wrong seats. CHICO (Awakening) That's all right. We're not enjoying ourselves anyway. USHER You belong in that box over there - (Pointing to vacant box on opposite side of house - orchestra box) CHICO (To Harpo) Come on -- They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll casually across as singing is going on. Part of the way across, Harpo and Chico react to the singing of a very high note -- it's practically in Harpo's ear. He stops -- makes a terrible face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and he and Chico continue toward the box -- CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are headed for. Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in... Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box. Chico steps into box from stage. Harpo is about to follow when he spies a pretty girl in box above. He starts climbing up the proscenium arch to upper box -- the girl sees him, screams and dashes out of box. Harpo completes climb into box -- at this point the singing has just finished and applause breaks out. Harpo acknowledges the applause as if it was in appreciation of his climb -- after a few quick bows he starts out of the box after the girl. As he is running out of box into the foyer he bumps into Ambassador Trentino. TRENTINO (Stopping him) Wait a minute... Mrs. Teasdale is in the box below. The plans of war are in her purse -- you've got to get them -- I don't care how, but get them -- and when you do, bring them to 492 North Myrtle Road -- you'd better write that down. Harpo takes out a pencil with heavy lead and writes the address on the white and purple-edged silk band which is across Trentino's shirt bosom. Then he pushes Trentino's coat aside and from under his vest pulls the ribbon in the manner of a ticker tape -- tears it off -- and starts back to box. CUT TO LOWER BOX MRS. TEASDALE I wonder what's keeping His Excellency? CHICO Never mind His Excellency -- you gotta your pocketbook? MRS. TEASDALE Yes -- why? CHICO I wanna powder my nose... Mrs. Teasdale laughs good-naturedly and puts the purse behind her between her back and the back of the chair... as we go to stage where the shooting of the apple in "William Tell" is being enacted. William Tell is just placing the apple on his son's head -- he turns his back on his son and walks toward opposite side of stage with bow and arrow. CUT TO UPPER BOX Harpo takes a look at apple on the boy's head -- reaches down in box and comes up with a bow and arrow. He takes a good aim and lets the arrow fly... It hits its mark and the apple falls to the ground. William Tell, having arrived at spot from which he's going to shoot, turns to take aim and sees that the apple is gone. He picks up another, at the base of an apple tree and starts in direction of his son. CUT TO Harpo, who is watching William Tell. He reaches down into box and brings up another arrow -- takes aim and lets arrow fly. Again it hits its mark and the apple falls to ground. William Tell, reaching his place, turns to take aim and is bewildered at the sight of the second missing apple. The tree is bare and there are no more apples around. A whistle is heard coming over scene. William Tell turns in direction of the whistle and we CUT TO Harpo whistling with his fingers in his mouth. Reaching down into the box, he brings up a bag of apples and dumps all the apples onto the stage. CUT TO: Lower box. MRS. TEASDALE (Anxiously) If his Excellency doesn't get here soon, he'll miss the whole performance. CHICO He's-a not missing anything. He's in the dressing room with Vera Trentino. (Winks at her) MRS. TEASDALE (Jealously) In her dressing room? Why, what could he be doing there? CHICO He could be playing solitaire, but I don't think so. She jumps as if she's been goosed, and gives Chico an indignant look as he withdraws his hand from her back. MRS. TEASDALE What's the matter with you? CHICO What's the matter with you? MRS. TEASDALE You haven't been still a moment since you've been here. You act as if you had neurosis -- CHICO I no gotta new-rosis. My uncle he's- a got a flower shop -- he's-a gotta new-rosis. Mrs. Teasdale looks at him disdainfully, turns to look at stage, and jumps again. She and Chico turn to look at each other. She, of course, is indignant, while Chico smiles -- his hand is coming from behind her. She takes the purse from its hiding place and places it on the ledge of the box out of Chico's reach. CUT TO: Ballet dancers' dressing room. The CAMERA PANS along, showing several of the ballet dancers limbered up by other dancers. This is done as follows: - a girl stands against the wall on one leg while another girl raises the other leg up and down. The CAMERA passes three or four of the girls and comes to a stop on Vera and Groucho -- the latter is stretching her leg in the same manner. VERA (With exaggerated romance) I shall dance for you tonight as I've never danced before. GROUCHO This is a fine thing to be doing at my age. VERA Are you getting tired? GROUCHO (Still working leg) Not at all. When I was a boy back on the farm I used to pump my own water. CUT TO shot taking in the stage and Harpo. Harpo is in the foreground. On the stage is our hero and his valet. VALET (Singing to hero) Your love is waiting for you, my lord... HERO Fetch my hat - my hat - my hat -- Harpo tosses him a large hat - possibly a fireman's hat. HERO (Continuing singing) Fetch my boots -- (Harpo throws boots on stage Hero continues) Bring me my sword -- (Harpo throws a sword on stage --) Hero continues his song while Harpo litters the stage with various articles - a saddle - a chair, etc... CUT TO box below - Chico is trying to reach for pocketbook on ledge but can't get it. He whistles up to Harpo. Harpo looks down and Chico pantomimes to him to get the pocketbook, pointing to it. The singing stops and aplause follows -- the orchestra starts a selection -- which continues through following routine without any singing. CUT TO box above. Harpo takes out a fishing pole with a reel on it -- he unwinds reel and the line descends near box below and lands in a man's hair -- the man occupies an aisle seat in the orchestra -- near Teasdale box. CUT TO Harpo reeling in. CUT TO man on aisle seat -- The hook has caught onto his toupe and its being pulled off his head. CUT TO Harpo reeling in with great satisfaction in the belief that he has the purse -- on the end of the line comes the toupe. Harpo, astonished, looks down on the victim who, minus the toupe, now displays a shiny bald pate. Harpo takes out his fountain pen and releases gadget. The ink pours down on the bald spot of the man below and spreads into the form of a toupe parted in the middle. CUT BACK to Harpo - he places the toupe on the bare back side of a figure of Cupid carved on the arch. He is now suddenly attracted by something on the stage -- it is a pool with a practical fountain in its center. Harpo digs into a decorative flower box set in a groove in the proscenium arch. He brings out a real live worm and baits his hook -- stands up and casts... the line swishes through the air and the hook lands in the pool on the stage. The line instantly tightens and a large carp fish is yanked out of the pool... as the line is drawn in the fish nearly hits Mrs. Teasdale. She covers her face with her hands. Chico takes advantage of her action, grabs the line, removes the fish, and puts hook on handle of purse... then signals Harpo with a whistle and in the manner of a construction foreman, motions to him to start "hoisting". The line becomes taut and the purse is yanked out of view. Mrs. Teasdale uncovers her face and discovers that the purse is missing. MRS. TEASDALE (Hysterically) My purse -- my purse is gone! There is a buzz of excitement among the rest of the guests as they help Mrs. Teasdale look for the purse. Chico joins in the search. He grabs an elderly dignified man in the party, throws back his coat and starts to frisk him. CHICO He no got it --- As he turns to frisk another man, Mrs. Teasdale says MRS. TEASDALE This is dreadful -- I must see His Excellency at once --- (She exits from box) CUT TO ballet dancers' dressing room, where we find Groucho still pumping away on Vera Trentino's leg --- VERA Are you sure you're not tired? GROUCHO Tired! I'd like to stretch this into a week - Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene. The sight shocks her but she recovers herself sufficiently to hide the embarrassment. MRS. TEASDALE I hope I'm not interrupting. GROUCHO (Still pumping - looks over his shoulder at Mrs. Teasdale) Take a seat -- you're next. (He lets go of Vera's leg - and she exits) MRS. TEASDALE Your Excellency, something terrible has just happened. GROUCHO That's all right. I'll fix you right up. Grabs her ankle and starts to lift her leg - she gets away from him. MRS. TEASDALE My purse has been stolen -- the plans of war are in it. GROUCHO (Shouts) WHAT ? Walks up and down puffing furiously on his cigar MRS. TEASDALE I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect the Secretary of War. GROUCHO (Still pacing wildly) Don't bother me - I'm thinking -- What was that? MRS. TEASDALE I said - I suspect the Secretary of War. GROUCHO (Stopping dead in his tracks) THIS IS TREASON!! (Strikes a pose - raising his clenched hands; then to Mrs. Teasdale scornfully) What a fool I was to listen to your siren song and fall a helpless victim under the insidious spell of your irresistible charms -- MRS. TEASDALE But - GROUCHO (Paying no attention) You satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered, dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm of chaos and oblivion -- (Throws her an arch look) Not bad, eh? Starts for door CUT TO - Stage showing about eight bars of Vera Trentino's solo dance. PAN to lower box - Mrs. Teasdale's guests are gone but Chico and Harpo are there -- Chico is examining plans of war. CHICO This is-a fine - you do a good job - you make-a no trouble and you waste- a no time. Come on, we take-a the plans to the Ambassador. You gotta the address? Harpo opens coat and across his shirt front is the ribbon with "462 North Myrtle Road" on it -- the door of the box flies open and Groucho bounds in GROUCHO Hands up! Harpo and Chico throw their hands up and wheel around CHICO (Smiling) You no gotta no gun. GROUCHO Who said I had a gun... Gimme those plans, you paper snatchers -- He makes a grab at Chico -- Chico passes the plans to Harpo - Groucho goes after Harpo - the latter leans away over ledge of box and holds the plans out over the stage. As Groucho is trying to reach for the plans, Vera dances into scene, makes a graceful pirouette and with her outstretched hands takes the plans from Harpo. As she dances away she deposits the plans in her bodice... Vera's male dancing partner enters from the wings, walks out about four feet - stops and strikes a pose with uplifted hand. Vera is dancing on the opposite side with her back turned. CUT TO Groucho back stage - he sees the dancing partner - pulls a lever on switchboard marked "TRAP DOOR" - CUT TO stage as the dancer disappears through floor. CUT TO shot of Vera - preparing to turn to join her partner - she reacts as she sees -- CUT TO Groucho standing on her partner's former spot holding the same pose ... CUT TO full stage shot. Groucho and Vera are dancing together. During the dance Groucho tries to get the paper. He bends her way over in an effort to make the paper drop out of her bodice. Harpo and Chico, watching the struggle, quickly tear off their capes and coats and leap from the box on to stage in their shirts. This develops into a four-cornered adagio dance. She hands the papers to Harpo over Groucho's shoulder as she dances with him... Groucho rushes to Harpo and they do a twirl together. Harpo hands the paper to Chico over Groucho's shoulder. Groucho rushes at Chico and twirls with him - Chico in trying to pass the papers to Vera drops them on the floor. They all make a dive for them. Groucho gets the papers and dashes with them to the lower box just as Mrs. Teasdale enters same. The following is a close shot of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. The latter standing on stage right by the box. GROUCHO (Handing paper to Mrs. Teasdale) Here -- put these plans where no one will ever find them - sleep on them. CUT TO - Dressing room just a Vera, Chico and Harpo enter. VERA (Apologetically) I'm sorry boys -- I did my best -- it's all my fault. CHICO It's not-a your fault. It's-a his fault -- (Indicating Harpo; then to Harpo accusingly) I fix it for you to getta the plans -- you getta the plans -- then you losa- a the plans -- now we no gotta the plans of war... Harpo lifts up his shirt and tattooed upon him is the reproduction of the war plans... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "F" SEQUENCE "G" FADE IN - Mrs. Teasdale's living room. Night. Subdued light. We begin with an EXTREME CLOSE CLOSE SHOT of a hand depositing the plans of war in a vault. This vault is about the height of a man, the door flush with wall. The CAMERA TRUCKS back and discloses that the one depositing the papers is Mrs. Teasdale -- she is in negligee. She closes the vault door, pulls a cord, closing a pair of drapes which hide the vault. The CAMERA PANS to the balcony above where Vera Trentino, also in negligee, is watching the action in the living room below. She tiptoes quietly from the scene. Downstairs, Mrs. Teasdale turns out the center table light and moves toward the stairway. CUT TO Vera Trentino's bedroom. Vera comes toward window, raises it quietly and waves a handkerchief, evidently signalling somebody below. CUT TO EXTERIOR of house. Chico and Harpo are waving back to signify that they have caught the signal. The boys try to raise the window which is located next to the main entrance, but it is locked and they can't budge it. CHICO (Peeved) It's all your fault. Now we gotta steal the plans again -- You had 'em on you... you take a bath... and now we no gotta plans of war. They try the window again and find it hopeless CHICO (To Harpo) You wait here -- I'll let you in. Chico walks right in through the door, closes it behind him and then appears at the window. He raises it from the inside and Harpo climbs in through the window and joins Chico. CUT TO INSIDE. They are walking cautiously across the room when they hear the following coming over scene -- "Psst... Psst..." They stop and look around, trying to locate the source of the sound. We CUT TO the balcony and see Vera Trentino, still dressed in her negligee. Once more she tries to attract them. VERA Psst... The boys look up and see her. VERA (In a half whisper - mysteriously) In the safe -- behind the drapes -- (Pointing in the direction of the safe) CHICO (Also in a half whisper) All right -- I'll meet you behind the drapes. VERA (In a half whisper) No, no -- I mean the plans are in the safe. (Pointing to safe again) Harpo hasn't taken his eyes off of Vera during all this, makes a sudden dash for her, as she turns to her room. Chico stops him on the second or third step of the stairs. CHICO Come on, we gotta no time for that. Chico goes over to the safe and draws the curtains, disclosing safe. Harpo follows and takes from his back pocket a rather large electrical drill with a cord and plug attached to it. Chico takes the cord and plugs it into the wall socket. Harpo starts to drill the safe door, making a terrific noise -- the usual reaping whir-r-r of an electric drill. Chico grabs his hand and stops him from drilling. CHICO Wait a minute... we make too much noise... Turn on the radio so they can't hear what we're doing. Harpo goes over to radio and turns it on... a dance tune comes over the air. Harpo grabs Chico and whirls him around as if he were dancing with a dame... CHICO (Jerking himself away from Harpo) What's-a matter, you crazy... ? Chico goes to radio and adjusts dial to another station... the following comes over the air... RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER Calling car 125... car 125... go to vacant lot at Tenth and Elm... a woman walking around in her nightgown --- Harpo drops the drill and makes a wild dash for door obviously to go to the woman... Chico stops him. CHICO Come on, we gotta finish the job... RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER Calling car 67-W... car 67-W... go to Mrs. Teasdale's residence... burglars are attempting to break in. Chico rushes to phone... and dials... This shot excludes Harpo. CHICO (Into phone -- after slight pause) Hello -- Police department... ? That fellow's crazy... we're in the house already... Chico turns to listen to the next announcement - hanging onto receiver. RADIO ANNOUNCER The Teasdale residence is located at 232 Poloma Drive... CHICO (Into phone) You'll never find us, you gotta the wrong address... we're at 235 Poloma Drive... not 232... Look, it's a white house with a shingle roof -- shingle -- shingle -- (and sings to illustrate) Shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle all the way... (Stops singing) That's it, you got it... Hurry up, if no get-a here soon, we can't wait... Hangs up... looks around for Harpo, who is not there... CHICO Hey, Skippy... (Puts his fingers to mouth and whistles.) CUT TO Vera's bedroom. It is a CLOSE SHOT showing Vera in bed, shot from side of bed. She is under the bedcovers desperately trying to keep them from being pulled off her... TRUCK back disclosing Harpo on the other end of the bedcovers, trying to pull them off her... for a moment following, a tug of war goes on, Harpo pulling the covers about a foot his way and Vera pulling them back... The sound of Chico's second whistle coming over scene attracts Harpo, who lets go of the covers and runs out of the room. We pick him up outside of the room on balcony. Without hesitation he slides down the bannisters to join Chico who is waiting at foot of stairs. CHICO (Exasperated) Hey, you never get the safe open that way. (Looking up at Vera's room) We gotta try the combination... You gotta the combination? Harpo nods and takes from under his coat a woman's silk combination... winks and looks back in the direction of Vera's room... Chico snatches it out of his hand and throws it away. During above Mrs. Teasdale has come out on balcony, sees the boys but can't distinguish them in the room which is practically in darkness except for a few splotches of moonlight. She runs back into her room... CUT TO Mrs. Teasdale's room... she is at telephone dialing a number... MRS. TEASDALE (After a slight nervous pause) Hello? Your Excellency? There are burglars in the house... I want you to come right over. CUT TO Groucho's bedroom. He is at the other end of the phone in bed. GROUCHO (Into phone) You come over here. There are no burglars in my house. CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. MRS. TEASDALE (Into phone) But Your Excellency, you must -- I tell you there are burglars here... Oh, thank you... Please hurry... CUT TO Chico and Harpo in living room below at safe. Harpo has just finished putting a stick of dynamite in the door of safe... CHICO Light it... Now we blow him up... Harpo strikes a match, but Chico stops him from lighting it. CHICO Wait a minute... we gotta fix it so it don't make-a so much noise... What-a we do? Harpo takes out a large wad of cotton, tears it, hands two pieces to Chico... they both stuff their ears with large pieces. CHICO That's fine... Now, nobody hear the noise. Harpo lights fuse... each stands on either side of safe door waiting for the explosion... after a slight pause, there is a terrific blast of sound... and the screen is masked with smoke. The smoke clears away and the safe door falls to the floor. Groucho walks out of the safe putting the plans of war in his inside pocket... After a few steps he stops and addresses the boys... GROUCHO That woman is crazy... there are no burglars around here... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "G" SEQUENCE "H" FADE IN - to insert of newspaper which comes from background to CAMERA. A screaming headline reads: WAR DECLARED!! This insert goes past the CAMERA as another newspaper comes from the background. The headline reads: - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" DISSOLVE to Groucho's office. Groucho is standing in front of his desk reading a newspaper, which is spread over his desk. The headline is the same as in the second insert - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" Harpo is standing at the other side of the desk. GROUCHO (Pounding his desk) They're coming... (He recites the following command to Harpo) Ride through every village and town wake every citizen up hill and down tell them the enemy comes from afar with a hey-nonny-nonny and a ha-cha- char CAMERA TRUCKS back disclosing a real horse beside Harpo. GROUCHO There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land and one lamp if they're coming by sea. He and Harpo go to the window and look out. CUT TO SHOT of a steeple with three lighted lamps - CUT BACK to Groucho and Harpo GROUCHO They double-crossed me... they're coming by land and sea -- Be off, my lad! With a grand gesture, Groucho exits out of scene. Harpo grips pommel of the saddle with both hands and in his attempt to make a flying mount, vaults clear over the horse landing on the other side. He lets down a rope ladder from under the saddle, climbs the ladder, mounts the horse and starts off. DISSOLVE to CLOSE UP of Harpo riding at breakneck speed. As he looks grimly ahead he reaches down out of scene and brings up a three-cornered colonial hat and puts it on his head. DISSOLVE to a Moving Insert - Harpo bringing the horse to a stop in front of a farm house. He blows a blast on a regular army bugle... immediately a few old men rush out of the house in their nightgowns, carrying guns, and into the scene from all directions rush other men, answering the call, similarly attired. Harpo starts his horse and we DISSOLVE to him pulling up to another farm house. This house has a single door on the extreme end of it and a very large French window covering almost the rest of the house. Harpo stops and sounds the bugle call. This time there is no answer to his call. He waits a second, then turns his horse in the direction of the house and rides through the single door. After a short pause, the doors of the French window fly open and the horse runs out pulling a double bed which is on wheels. Harpo is standing at the foot of the bed, braced against the bedpost, holding the reins. There is an old couple, man and woman, fast asleep in the bed - (This couple might be the blase gentleman and young wife used by Peter Arno in his cartoons.) After riding a few feet Harpo leaps from the bed onto the horse's back and rides off leaving the bed and its occupants on the road. DISSOLVE to Harpo pulling up to another farm house. He stops, sounds his bugle. A very pretty young girl, in her night clothes pokes her head out of the second story window. Harpo takes a good look at her, leaps off his horse and dashes into the house. A moment later he comes out of the house with a feed bag and puts it on the horse's head.... then he dashes back into the house again. Almost instantly he comes tearing out of the house, followed by an old geezer in his nightgown, who is chasing him, with rifle in hand... He fires a few shots - DISSOLVE: END OF SEQUENCE "H" SEQUENCE "J" DISSOLVE through the shooting of previous scene to STOCK SHOT of artillery fire on battle field - a profile SHOT with all the activity of an actual battle, but without an indication of falling men. DISSOLVE from this to interior of Groucho's headquarters behind the front - a wooden shack. The sound of a distant booming of guns is heard over this scene. On the wall is a large war map with colored thumb tacks indicating the positions of Groucho's men and the enemy. Groucho, in the uniform of a Confederate General, (a Robert E. Lee make-up), is studying the war map with a few of his Generals. GROUCHO (Looking at a tack in a distant sector) Either there's a fly in the room or we've got a soldier in Africa. The door flies open and Bob, in a snappy uniform, enters excitedly and breathlessly. He faces Groucho with a quick salute and a click of the heels. BOB (Taking a dispatch from under his belt) A dispatch from the front, sir. Groucho snatches the dispatch from Bob's hand, tears it open -- reads it quickly -- claps his hand to his brow and staggers. The generals crowd about him. A GENERAL (Solicitously) Bad news, sir? GROUCHO Bad news -- its disastrous! A FEW GENERALS (Simultaneously) What is it? GROUCHO (Reading from dispatch) Private Moscowitz quits! (Groucho rushes to radio operator) GROUCHO Clear all wires... (The operator works key) GROUCHO The enemy has taken Hill 25, throwing twelve Hill-billies out of work... Our front is exposed to the enemy -- we'll have to bring up the rear... (Turning away, then turning back to Generals and continuing) P.S. Have misplaced flag of truce... look in upper lefthand drawer of my bureau... The whining of an approaching shell is heard and a shell about three feet long comes sailing through the open window, speeds through the room and tears through the opposite wall, leaving a clean-cut hole. Groucho rushes to window and closes it. CUT TO: SHOT of No Man's Land, with shells exploding in all directions. We see a head slowly appearing over the edge of shell-hole, looking through spy-glasses. It is Harpo... CUT TO: Inside of shell hole... Harpo registers that he has seen something of startling interest. He drops the glasses, scrambles out of shell-hole and runs out of scene. He rushes to his waiting motorcycle (without the side-car). The staff with the flag flying from it is attached to the handle-bars. He leaps onto the motorcycle seat and starts off. CUT TO: A war nurse, attracted by the roar of the motorcycle. She looks back, sees Harpo approaching and breaks into a run. As he closes in on her, she jumps into a trench to escape him. Harpo rides on a little further to the entrance of the trench and turns in, to continue his pursuit. A TRUCKING SHOT shows only the flag and staff, tearing along above the surface, with the accompanying roar of the motorcycle which is hidden from view. As it speeds along, soldiers are leaping up out of the trenches on every side to avoid being run down. This continues doing a zig-zag with abrupt turns... CUT BACK TO: Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is discovered there alone, stropping his sword on a razor strap attached to his desk. Chico enters... goes to time-clock on wall, puts his workman's card in it and punches it. Groucho, attracted by the bell of the time-clock, stops stropping and walks over to Chico, with sword in hand. GROUCHO Late again, eh? You haven't been on time once since this war started... (Puts sword in sheath) Get out there and fight... (Pointing commandingly in direction of battle field) CHICO I can't do it... GROUCHO (Surprised) Why not? You're the Secretary of War, aren't you? CHICO Yes, but I'm not working for you any more. I'm on the other side. GROUCHO (Like a surprised child) Is that so? I used to think you were two-faced - but you can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. Now - let's talk this thing over. Groucho sits down at desk and Chico pulls up another chair and sits at opposite side of desk facing Groucho GROUCHO (Blowing out a puff of smoke) Now -- how many men you got in your army? CHICO Well, we gotta one hundred thousand men. GROUCHO That's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand. CHICO That's all right. We let you have twenty-five thousand men -- and we both start even. GROUCHO (Enthusiastically) That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty. CHICO No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five. GROUCHO Well, we'll let that one go. Now -- how many battalions you got? CHICO We gotta two battalions and one Frenchman. GROUCHO I wish you were still working for me, so I could ask you to resign. How're ya fixed for cavalry? CHICO I've gotta five thousand men but no horses. GROUCHO That's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men. CHICO That's all right -- our men can ride your horses. GROUCHO Not a bad idea. If our horses get tired they can ride your men for a change. (Chico nods agreeingly) Now, I don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must promise to put them through their maneuvers. CHICO Oh, sure. We have horse maneuvers every morning. At this point, an unusually large shell comes crashing from above, imbedding itself, point down, in the floor without exploding. Groucho and Chico rush over to look at it. GROUCHO (Looking at shell) Acme Ammunition Company, eh? How do you expect to win the war with shells that don't go off? Now, if you were buying your stuff from me, you wouldn't have that trouble. Eureka Ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- or your money back. Let me show you some samples. Groucho opens door and yells to some one outside GROUCHO Bring in No. 47, line 8. Harpo enters, bent forward, tugging at a rope which tightens over his shoulder, in the manner of a Volga Boatman... at the end of the rope is a cannon, on two wheels GROUCHO (Pointing to gun) That's our latest number... our sixteen-inch Horowitz gun. (To Harpo) Load it up. Harpo pours a great quantity of powder into the cannon, then to make sure he has enough, he lights a match and looks into the hole. Groucho takes the lighted match from Harpo. He lights his own cigar, hands the match back to Harpo. Harpo pours in a little more powder, makes sure he has enough, then proceeds to ram the powder in the barrel with his horn. He rises and moves to wall toward which the cannon is pointed. He draws a target on the wall with a piece of chalk -- goes back to cannon. He picks up the firing string, and faces the target toward which the cannon is pointing. Chico puts his fingers into his ears. Groucho picks up a pencil from desk - taps it on desk - then raises both hands, in the manner of an orchestra leader. He holds this pose for a second - and on the down beat, Harpo jerks the string and there is a terrific explosion. The cannon fires out the back end instead of the front and blows a hole through the back wall. The two stare off in the direction of the hole. Groucho turns to Chico. GROUCHO With a gun like that you can kill some of your own men. CHICO That's-a pretty good. I'll take a dozen of them. GROUCHO Anything else? (Writing order on pad) CHICO (Mentally figuring) Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen hand-grenades, three kegs of powder -- and throw in some matches. GROUCHO (Writing) Fine. We'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery. By the way, how're you fixed for spys? CHICO Fine. We gotta him. (He indicates Harpo) GROUCHO So! -- He's on your side, too. CHICO Sure. GROUCHO Well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door. Harpo opens the door and discloses a dozen or more snarling wolves at the door. CUT TO - INTERIOR enemy headquarters. The booming of distant guns comes over the scene. Trentino is there with a Sylvanian general. GENERAL Something must be done immediately. The soldiers are getting discouraged. TRENTINO There's only one thing to do... we must capture Firefly. GENERAL But how? It's a very dangerous undertaking. TRENTINO (Standing near widow) Ask for volunteers. Some one must make the sacrifice -- someone -- (Stops to gaze out of window attracted by off scene roar of motor) Here comes Chicolini. Maybe he'll do it. (Walks away from window) Unless we can make Firefly our prisoner, we're lost. Chico enters. Trentino rushes over to him TRENTINO Chicolini, you've come just in time. We need a man who's fearless, brave. A man who's willing to die, if necessary. CHICO All right -- I'll go out and find one. TRENTINO Firefly must be captured at any cost. CHICO That's easy, I'll get him for you wholesale. TRENTINO It must be done right away. CHICO I can't do it right away. GENERAL Why not? CHICO I got a date with a General's wife. GENERAL Isn't that a little dangerous? CHICO (To General) Not unless you find it out. CUT TO: Interior of Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is on his feet addressing five or six generals, who are seated. Zeppo is at the desk writing the minutes of the meeting. GROUCHO Boys, I hate to do this, but if you generals want this war to continue you'll have to take a cut -- Bursting of a shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, fires a shot from his revolver through the window, hurriedly shuts it, then rushes back to Generals GROUCHO We can't afford to pay the money we've been paying. Now I don't want to lay anybody off. My motto in this war is: - "Live and let live". The bursting of another shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, turns his back to window, takes out a pocket mirror, holds it up in front of him and shoots over his shoulder out of window, taking his aim from the reflection in the mirror, like a trick marksman. As Groucho walks away from window, he hears another explosion outside. He rushes back to the window, takes a package of small firecrackers out of his pocket, detaches one of the firecrackers, lights it from his cigar and throws it out of the window. A very small explosion is heard. Groucho hurriedly shuts the window and rushes back to the generals, as we - CUT TO: THE OUTSIDE - A LONG SHOT of a dirigible (miniature) -- then we go to a CLOSE UP of the dirigible. On the bag, in large letters, is printed -- SYLVANIA G-62 The CAMERA PANS DOWN to the cabin of the dirigible. Chico and Harpo are standing at the open door looking down. CHICO Look! That's-a Firefly's headquarters. (Pointing down) We catch him right now. Harpo reaches back into the cabin, picks up an enormous hook and throws it out. The rope that is attached to the hook starts playing out rapidly. CUT TO -- LONG SHOT miniature of dirigible and rope dangling from it... Then CUT TO - SHOT of rope and hook as it approaches Groucho's headquarters. It hooks onto the roof of the shack and raises it off the ground. CUT TO - LONG SHOT - miniature of dirigible carrying the shack through the air. CUT TO - inside of headquarters. GROUCHO (To generals) Gentlemen, the overhead is killing us. Everything is going up. If we don't watch ourselves, we'll come down with a crash. Now -- all those in favor of taking a cut say "aye"... ONE GENERAL (Protesting) But Your Excellency! GROUCHO Carried unanimously. CUT TO - SHOT of dirigible carrying the shack. The shack just clears a steeple by a few inches. CUT TO - INSIDE of headquarters. GROUCHO Now go right out there and fight. (To one general) You go out there and relieve General Beauregard, and while you're at it, see what General Motors is doing. The general, without saluting, exits out of door and closes door behind him. GROUCHO (To another general) Call him back -- he didn't salute me. The second general exits out of door without saluting, closing door behind him. ZEPPO Father, he didn't salute you either. GROUCHO (Angrily) Attention! The remaining generals jump to their feet, stand at attention and salute. GROUCHO Go out there -- all of you -- and bring those generals back -- dead or alive. All of the generals exit through to door; the last one closing door behind him. GROUCHO Why don't those generals come back? ZEPPO I'll call them. GROUCHO Never mind, I'll go after them myself. Groucho goes to door, pulls it open, starts out -- CUT TO - EXTERIOR OF SHACK (against sky backing). Groucho is seen in the open doorway. He comes out and walks down the steps (there are three steps attached to entrance of door, with railing on each side. Groucho is about to step off into space. He grabs the railing and hangs by his hands.) GROUCHO Hey, Junior! Zeppo rushes to door and pulls him up by the hands. CUT TO - Inside as Zeppo finishes pulling Groucho in. Groucho scrambles to his feet, rushes to window, leans out of window backwards and looks up. CUT TO -- SHOT of dirigible as seen by Groucho. CUT BACK inside of shack as Groucho pulls in his head. GROUCHO Get my rifle. Zeppo runs for rifle... GROUCHO I'll get rid of them. Zeppo returns and hands rifle to Groucho. Groucho leans out of the window backwards and shoots up into the air... CUT TO - dirigible (miniature) as the bag explodes. The smoke fills the screen. As the smoke clears away we see Groucho and Zeppo descending side by side in two parachutes against sky background. GROUCHO (To Zeppo) Take a letter. Zeppo takes out pad and pencil ZEPPO To whom? GROUCHO To whom it may concern... Dear Gloria: The air has done me a world of good. I am five thousand feet above sea level speeding home to you. Can you arrange to meet me at twenty-five hundred feet? -- which is only asking you to meet me half way. Don't be surprised if I drop in on you any minute... Your fun- loving Dictator. Groucho and Zeppo descend out of scene, as Harpo and Chico come into scene from above, both suspended from the ropes of their parachutes... They are in a sitting position, with a board across their knees, playing cards... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "J" SEQUENCE "K" FADE IN - to a group of notables standing around a large table. Among them are Mrs. Teasdale and Zeppo. Groucho is the guest of honor, very gaily attired for the occasion. As we FADE INTO this scene, they are singing - ALL (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free! ZEPPO My dad is much too great for his position without a question. I'd like to offer this with your permission as a suggestion: I really think he should be king! ALL We really think he should be king! ZEPPO I really think he should be king! ALL He should be king! SOLO And wear a crown and everything. ALL And everything. SOLO I really think he should be king! ALL He should be king! GROUCHO From what I have been gathering, I think they think I should be king: I think they think I should be king! ALL He should be king! GROUCHO And wear a crown and everything. ALL And everything. He should be king! Then follows a musical interlude during which Groucho says: - GROUCHO (Speaking to audience) You know I think they think I should be king. (Then turning to the guests - singing) Although it would please me to govern the throng, suppose I were king and then everything went wrong. MRS. TEASDALE The king can do no wrong! ALL The king can do no wrong! The king can do no wrong! They all sit GROUCHO Of course you're All aware a king must have an heir some one to pass the family name along will some one tell me where I'd ever get an heir if a king can do no wrong ALL (Standing up) The king can do no wrong! (They all sit down) GROUCHO Suppose a pretty dame Into my castle came - And let us say that I was going strong. She might be stuck on me, but what good would it be, if the king can do no wrong. ALL (Standing up) The king can do to wrong! (Sitting down) GROUCHO King Solomon was game he gave each Girl his name to number them would make a list that long I'll bet his thousand wives led miserable lives if the king can do no wrong. ALL (Remaining seated) We really think he should be king and wear a crown and everything. GROUCHO They think I should - They think I should - They think I should - They think I should be king. (APPLAUSE) Mrs. Teasdale rises. MRS. TEASDALE My dear friends, in time of peace we should forgive those who fought against us, and so, I have invited our former enemies. (Applause) CUT TO door, as it is being opened by two pages. Trentino and Vera enter. They both stop and bow in acknowledgment of the applause coming over scene. As they walk toward table and out of scene, Chico and Harpo enter. The latter is carrying a carpet runner, rolled up under his arm. He flips the carpet runner away from him on the floor, holding onto one end. It rolls out and Harpo strides majestically down its length toward the table with Chico following. Harpo pauses, brings to light a cuspidor from under his coat, puts it on the carpet and spits into it, and continues on, following Chico, who is now ahead of him. Harpo breaks into a run and he and Chico dash madly to the table. They take seats on either side of Groucho and without hesitating, start to eat the food in front of them. The guests are standing. Trentino and Vera arrive at their places and everyone sits down. Harpo reaches for a large service plate with a pretty picture on it, pushes his plate away, breaks the service plate with a knife... it breaks into little pieces like a jig-saw puzzle. He mixes the pieces up, and then starts to put them together again ... Groucho watches him... then helps him... GROUCHO (Stopping Harpo as he tries to fit a piece) No, no, this is the one... (Picking up a piece and placing it...) A waiter places a dish of tasty food in front of Groucho... he is just about to dig into it with his knife and fork when Harpo turns the table toward himself. This brings Groucho's food to Harpo, and Chico's empty plate to Groucho... GROUCHO That was awfully good, I think I'll have a second helping... waiter... Snapping his finger to waiter off scene. The waiter immediately appears placing a second dish in front of Groucho. He starts to dig his knife and fork into it again when Chico turns the table toward himself... This brings his food to Chico... Harpo lifts his plate up and puts it down again when the table stops turning... this time Groucho has nothing in front of him... GROUCHO If I don't stop eating I'll get indigestion... A WOMAN GUEST (To the left of Chico... to Chico) Would you mind passing the salt? CHICO (Yelling to Harpo) Hey, she wants some salt... Harpo takes salt shaker from man to his right, places it in front of himself and gives the table a quick turn toward the woman next to Chico... Groucho is still without food. He rises and looks about table... Sees a dish of food in front of Trentino, who is seated at opposite side of table... Trentino is eating. GROUCHO (Yelling to Trentino) Ambassador, how's the food? AMBASSADOR TRENTINO (Looking up and turning in direction of Groucho) It's delicious, Your Excellency. GROUCHO That's all I wanted to know. He gives the table a quick turn and Trentino's plate disappears as it spins around toward Groucho... Just as it gets to Harpo, he lifts up the plate... the table goes on a few feet more and when it stops, Harpo puts down his plate and starts to eat... again Groucho has nothing... Groucho picks up his napkin and wipes his mouth. GROUCHO I couldn't eat another thing. (He stands up) Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce to you a man who is a prince of good fellows, generous to a fault, his own worst enemy and a devil in his own hometown... Applause... Groucho steps up on the table GROUCHO Thanks, I didn't expect to be called upon... However, in conclusion I want to tell you that I promised Mrs. Teasdale I'd marry her if we won the war.... Well, we won the war and I'm stuck... to the victor belongs the spoils... The table starts to turn slowly... Groucho starts to walk in opposite direction... staying in same place. GROUCHO In union there is strength... The table moves a little faster... Groucho increases his pace accordingly... CUT TO Harpo and Chico now seated beside each other turning the table... CUT BACK to Groucho... GROUCHO I feel that we are taking a step in the right direction, and that's what I call balling the Jack... Speed of table turning increases. Groucho keeping pace against it in tread-mill fashion... GROUCHO Now is not the time for political temporizing, all interests must be sacrificed for the common weal... CUT TO Harpo and Chico turning table... faster and faster... We CUT BACK to Groucho who is now galloping to keep his spot but he's not going any place GROUCHO All those who want to place their money on the wheel, step inside, faint heart never won fair lady... Money won't grow in your pocket like the hair on your head and now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. This FADES OUT on a shot with Groucho running madly, and gesticulating, taking in Harpo and Chico turning the table... END OF SEQUENCE "K" THE ENDDuck Soup (1933) Screenplay by Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior of the executive mansion. It is a gala day. Soldiers are lined up in front of the entrance; expensive cars and carriages are arriving and depositing distinguished notables from the adjoining countries. Two trumpeters at the head of the stairs announce the arrival of each notable. In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of the late president, is greeting the newcomers. The room is filled with distinguished guests. At the moment we see Mrs. Teasdale, she is talking with a notable. In the near background is a group of distinguished men, members of her own cabinet. Her words to the notable are not lost on them, and as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the exchange of disapproving glances. MRS. TEASDALE It is so good of you to come. NOTABLE An honor, Mrs. Teasdale... You must indeed have great faith in your new dictator to give him such a magnificent reception. MRS. TEASDALE I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the only logical successor to my dear departed husband. He has the statesmanship of Gladstone, the humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom of Pericles. The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the scene. As he does, the background group moves into Mrs. Teasdale. Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale. FIRST CABINET MEMBER (Protestingly) Mrs. Teasdale, as members of Freedonia's cabinet, we do not approve of your choice. Who is this Rufus T. Firefly? SECOND CABINET MEMBER (Waving aloft a paper) A stranger in our midst, an agent for the Eureka Ammunition Company. Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition salesman dictating the policies of our peace-loving country. THIRD CABINET MEMBER Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it is too late. The citizens of Freedonia want a President! MRS. TEASDALE As the widow of your last president, I have the right to choose -- and, Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the matter any further. Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to mumble among themselves. From off scene comes a servant's voice, announcing: SERVANT His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi Trentino of Amnesia! Cut... to the archway. We see Trentino enter with a beautiful brunette at his side. He is followed by two or three of his fellowmen. He moves across the reception hall to Mrs. Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips to the back of her hand, then introduces his companion. TRENTINO Mrs. Teasdale... my niece, Vera. Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl's hand warmly. MRS. TEASDALE (To niece) Your uncle has been such a friend to us in every crisis. Without his country's financial aid -- TRENTINO (Lightly) What is money? (Tenderly) Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do anything. MRS. TEASDALE (Flustered) Ambassador! (Attempting to change the subject) I am so anxious for you to meet our new dictator. TRENTINO (Persistent in his flattery) Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules Freedonia, to me you will always be the first lady of the land. Trentino attempts to take her hand. The latter is a bit confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly says: VERA Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle's hopeless -- you've been the only topic of conversation ever since we left Amnesia. Mrs. Teasdale's confusion is happily interrupted by the announcement of a servant, off scene. SERVANT The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of Mufhtan! MRS. TEASDALE (Hastily) Oh, I must greet His Honor. Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly. Vera and Trentino look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their eyes meet. VERA So that's the one you want to marry. TRENTINO With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and Freedonia under my control -- (He rubs his hands significantly) VERA Maybe it's not going to be so easy. From what I've heard, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly. TRENTINO That's where you come in. I'll leave him in your hands, and don't forget you're supposed to be my niece. Vera winks agreeingly. Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO). She introduces him. MRS. TEASDALE I want you to meet the son of His Excellency -- Bob Firefly... Ambassador Trentino... his niece, Vera, After the formalities of introducing, Trentino says: TRENTINO Isn't it about time for the ceremony to begin, Mrs. Teasdale? (Mockingly) I do hope His Excellency won't be late. BOB (Defensively) My father makes it a point to always be on time. As long as I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment. TRENTINO But it's two minutes of ten now. BOB (As music begins) His Excellency is due To take his station. Beginning his new Administration... He'll make his appearance when The clock on the wall strikes ten. MRS. TEASDALE (singing) When the clock on the wall strikes ten All you loyal ladies and you patriotic men Let's sing the national anthem when... The clock on the wall strikes ten. The clock begins to strike the hour... one... two... three... four... ALL (singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Mightiest of mighty nations! Hail, hail, Freedonia Land of the brave and free. This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects the reception hall with the outer hall. Groucho doesn't appear and once more they all sing. ALL (singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once more. ALL Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with Bob. Vera and Trentino smile. MRS. TEASDALE (Nervously) I hope nothing has happened. BOB Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is nothing to worry about. Father is probably taking extra care in getting into his robes of state. I'll call him. Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a tapestried bell cord. This rings a fire bell in Groucho's room -- and Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed under a mosquito netting. He has an unlighted cigar in his mouth. The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him from his slumber and he rises quickly. The cigar begins to emit smoke when he starts puffing. He hurries over to one corner of the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman fashion, gets into them, and then sides down a fireman's pole into the reception hall. The guests are singing the last two lines of the national anthem when he arrives. ALL Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of Mrs. Teasdale. He passes several notables, one of whom is wearing an impressive looking medal. Groucho deprives him of it without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on himself. He pauses only when he is facing the principal group. MRS. TEASDALE (Beaming as she addresses Groucho) As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you and extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia. I deem it an honor on this momentous occasion... GROUCHO (Interrupting) Never mind that stuff... He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends them to Mrs. Teasdale. GROUCHO Take a card. The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies. Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket. MRS. TEASDALE What'll I do with this card? GROUCHO You can keep it -- I've got a whole pack... Now what were you saying? MRS. TEASDALE As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms. GROUCHO How late do you stay open? MRS. TEASDALE In choosing you, I feel that I serve my country well. I heartily endorse everything you stand for. GROUCHO Well, I won't stand for much. And I won't stand for you if you don't show some improvement soon. Look at your report card last month -- "D" in spelling... six in behavior. Now who were the six? A fine state of affairs -- no wonder you can't matriculate, now what were you saying? MRS. TEASDALE The future of Freedonia rests upon you. Promise me you will follow in my husband's footsteps. GROUCHO (To CAMERA) I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. (To Mrs. Teasdale) Not that I care -- but where is your husband? MRS. TEASDALE (Slightly embarrassed) Why - er -- my husband passed away... (reverently) I was with him to the very end. GROUCHO No wonder he passed away. I'd like to be with you to the very end. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you -- I love you. MRS. TEASDALE (Very warmly) Your Excellency! GROUCHO You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Teasdale, when I look at you I can see that we're facing a crisis. We've got to balance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including, you. Ambassador Trentino enters the scene. MRS. TEASDALE Oh... Your Excellency... I would like to present to you... Ambassador Verdi Trentino Of Amnesia... Having him with us today is indeed a great honor. TRENTINO (To Mrs. Teasdale, smiling appreciatively) Thanks... but I can't stay very long. GROUCHO That's even a greater honor. TRENTINO I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will of my people. GROUCHO I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars. TRENTINO Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum... I'll have to discuss that with my Minister of Finance. GROUCHO Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally? TRENTINO (Surprised) $50? GROUCHO I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as security. (Throwing a glance at Mrs. Teasdale) or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the jackknife... I've a better proposition... Make it $25 and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you foreclose. TRENTINO (With a puzzled look at Groucho) Your Excellency, haven't we met before? GROUCHO (Looking at Trentino) Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have won that race if you tried a little harder. Vera Trentino enters scene. TRENTINO Excellency, may I present my niece. GROUCHO Go ahead. TRENTINO You don't understand. This is my niece Vera. GROUCHO (Throwing her a glance) And Vera niece, too. VERA Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom. GROUCHO You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of it. Where's my secretary? (Looking around) Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene. BOB Here I am, Father. GROUCHO (To Bob) Take a letter. BOB (Taking out a stenographer's pad and pencil) Who to? GROUCHO The President of the United States. Bob writes as Groucho dictates GROUCHO My dear President... read it back... BOB (Reading from pad) "My dear President"... GROUCHO That doesn't sound right... take out "President"... now read it. BOB (Reading) "My dear"... GROUCHO That's not right yet... put back "President" and take out "dear"... How does it read now? BOB (Reading) "My President"... GROUCHO There's still something wrong with it... take out "President" ...now what've you got? BOB (Reading) "My"... GROUCHO Now we're on the right track... Put back "dear"... How does it read? BOB (Reading) "My dear"... GROUCHO You can't say that to the President... Put back "President"... Now let's hear how sounds. BOB (Reading) "My dear President"... GROUCHO That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and send it airmail. BOB Is that all? GROUCHO Take another letter... to my tailor. Bob takes dictation again. GROUCHO Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly... Send that immediately. BOB I'll have to enclose the check first. GROUCHO You do and I'll fire you. Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize his remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale enters to Groucho. MRS. TEASDALE (To Groucho) Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every land are gathered here in your honor -- (Indicating the guests with a wave of her hand) This is a gala day for us. GROUCHO Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any more. MRS. TEASDALE If it's not asking too much -- (Recitative) For our information just for illustration (Begins tune) Tell us how you intend to run the nation. GROUCHO (Singing) These are the laws of my administration: No one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke -- And whistling is forbidden... ENSEMBLE (Singing) We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA GROUCHO (Singing) If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer is pursued And in the hoosegow hidden... ENSEMBLE (Singing) If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued - GROUCHO If any form of pleasure is exhibited Report to me and it will be prohibited. I'll put my foot down; So shall it be - This is the land of the free. The last man nearly ruined this place He didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does sailor's hornpipe) The treasury is low on dough; The last man went and flew with it. If you think we're short of money now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does Highland fling) The country's taxes must be fixed - And I know what to do with it, If you think you're paying too much now, Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Takes flute from inside pocket and plays strain of Dixie) DIGNITARY (Singing) In our midst you stand The ruler of this land A man who'll govern with an iron hand. GROUCHO (Singing) If anyone gets fresh with me, I'll show him who's the boss; I'll stand upon my dignity, And toss him for a loss. And this will be the penalty For those who doublecross - We'll stand 'em up against the wall, and Pop goes the Weasel ENSEMBLE (Singing) If you should make him cross, He'll toss you for a loss. If anyone gets fresh with him, He'll show him who's the boss. Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung GROUCHO (Singing) I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair; I'm strictly on the up and up, So everyone beware. If anyone's caught taking graft And I don't get my share, we'll stand 'em up against the wall - and pop goes the weasel! ENSEMBLE (Singing) So everyone beware Who's crooked or unfair; No one must take a bit of graft Unless he gets his share. (Groucho dances as above is sung) GROUCHO (Singing) If any man should come between A husband and his bride, We find out which one she prefers By letting her decide. If she prefers the other man, The husband steps outside; We stand him up against the wall And Pop goes the Weasel! ENSEMBLE (Singing) The husband steps outside; Relinquishes his bride; We stand him up against the wall And take him for a ride. (Groucho dances as above is sung) GROUCHO The population must increase With great rapidity. We give a couple seven years To raise a family. If, by that time, there is no branch Upon the family tree, we stand 'em up against the wall - and Pop goes the Weasel. Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance continues. He might finish dance in her arms, looking tenderly at her as she beams down at him. MRS. TEASDALE (As she beams on him) You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal... It is easy to see you have an open mind. GROUCHO That's what I get for dressing in a hurry. MRS. TEASDALE Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the House of Representatives... Have you got your speech ready? GROUCHO I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their seats... (He takes a paper from inside pocket as he says above... then reads from paper) Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation -- MRS. TEASDALE Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg... GROUCHO (With a look of great surprise) He did?... I told my son not to leave it laying around... Where is son? Bob enters BOB Here I am, Father... GROUCHO Send for my car... BOB (Calling to servant off scene) His Excellency's car! This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene... A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat. He bows low as he hands it to Groucho... Groucho takes hat, removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his hat and with a swanky gesture exits... again we hear a servant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car"... We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion, outside, standing at attention... their trumpets at their sides... From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His Excellency's car"... The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon the car... We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage. This is a pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in the center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in background identify the garage. At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter's call. Instantly the two guards move to the center of the gates and call through the bars - GUARDS (In unison) His Excellency's car! Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the other side of the wall. The two guards open gates moving in military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car. The motorcycle is decorated... perhaps a crest in relief on the side of the car... a thin staff, about four or five feet high is fastened to the handle bars... As Harpo rides along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further along the road he hits a man... he looks behind to see what damage he's done, but continues riding... A CUT BACK to the man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground. We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motorcycle... he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows a few bars of taps... he mounts motorcycle again and starts off... CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from mansion... the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing hands... Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down stairs... as fast as they can. CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho, carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho gets into the side-car... and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo: GROUCHO To the House of Representatives... ride like fury... Don't stop for any signals and don't wait for a corner to make a turn... see if you can break a record... Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the ground... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle starts off but leaves the side-car. Groucho gets out of side-car... starts back to steps, stops and says: GROUCHO A fine thing -- leaving the head of the nation at the foot of the stairs... As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo... riding along... A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo pursuing and breaks into a run... CUT BACK to Harpo following her, putting on speed... he lowers the Freedonian flag and simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and cross- bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop is parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators... he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor and follows in pursuit... The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the scene and rides up the stairs after her... As Harpo gets about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen approaching the mansion. CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly through the room... a moment later we see Harpo on his bike following... there is panic among the guests. Then we see the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular balcony... CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he rides and sees the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On the balcony above, the girl is running, with an occasional glance over her shoulder as she runs out of scene... Harpo rides into scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the manner of a six day bicycle rider... following closely behind him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle the mezzanine... Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder at his pursuer... this is done in imitation of a six day bicycle race... The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo... the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony... as he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes another open doorway. Harpo comes riding out of it and is now in pursuit of the cop... CUT down stairs to Groucho... One hand is upraised holding a gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then addresses guests looking into CAMERA. GROUCHO That concludes the nine o'clock sprints... Next Saturday night the winner of the six day bicycle race will receive ten thousand dollars in gold... the following morning we go off the gold standard... CUT BACK to balcony... Harpo is passing the cop... He holds up his hand for the cop to stop... they both come to a halt... Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over angrily to cop, takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the cop as we FADE OUT... END OF SEQUENCE "A" SEQUENCE "B" FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Representatives. This interior although not a replica of our own House of Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious-looking dignitary. On the platform are a few desks... perhaps a pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives... The one to the right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by Bob Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses. Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the House. SPEAKER Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for forty-six years we have enjoyed the friendship of Amnesia, so ably represented by Ambassador Trentino. (Indicating the Ambassador who is present) We owe it to ourselves to listen to what he has to say... Trentino takes the floor TRENTINO Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual for a representative of one country to advise the legislative body of another, I assure you that I have the interest of Freedonia at heart ... (Deferential applause) We have lent you money in the past -- we are willing to lend you money again -- but, we cannot do it if your leader is allowed by you, to carry out his ridiculous proposals... In self-protection it is my -- Bob rises to interrupt BOB I object!... we have no right to discuss this matter in the absence of my father. SPEAKER (To House) We have been meeting every morning for eight days and not once has His Excellency been on time... TRENTINO (Looking at his watch) Gentlemen, I cannot wait much longer... SPEAKER (To Bob) Would you mind calling your father again? Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall... CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene. Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he slides down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide down the pole into the House of Representatives. As he arrives the members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the national anthem. MEMBERS (Singing) HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the brave and free... Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on his coat as he goes... Just as he reaches the desk the singing subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in the direction of one of the representatives. GROUCHO (Pointing toward the individual off scene) The Secretary of Agriculture was a little flat... (He takes a match and scratches it across the top of the desk to light his cigar... takes a few puffs, then raps the gavel.) I move we open the morning session... Has anybody got a cork screw? (Looking out and around at members) [page missing] GROUCHO What's to stop you from digging one... And after you dig a river, how're ya gonna cross it without a bridge...? We've got to have a bridge to stop people from going places -- then we've gotta stop them from coming back. If you're worried about the expense we can have a bridge with only one end -- and if that's a success we can do away with it altogether. I'm telling you that what this country needs is -- Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"... this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first strain of the PEANUT VENDOR... Groucho listens, annoyed and then continues GROUCHO If there's one thing we don't need right now -- it's peanuts -- gentlemen, what good is a bridge if you haven't got ammunition to blow it up... ammunition was never cheaper... Right now, you can get two cannons for the price of one and shoot twice as far for half the money... With every five thousand dollar purchase we throw in a Big Bertha... If you don't like her, you can throw her right out again. I tell you no country can protect itself without -- Again Chico's voice comes over scene singing "P-E-A-N-U-T- S"... The whistling of the first strain of song - the PEANUT VENDOR is heard again SPEAKER I'm sorry your Excellency, it is that infernal peanut vendor Chicolini... How can we accomplish anything with that constant annoyance? TRENTINO Your Excellency - are we or are we not going to discuss this problem - my time is valuable - I'm a man of few words - GROUCHO I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!! Trentino exits resentfully GROUCHO (To Bob - aroused) Go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building -- Get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of peanuts. BOB I've tried to chase him but it's no use - he won't go - GROUCHO He won't eh? - We'll see about that - send for your father immediately. BOB But you're my father - GROUCHO Never mind then, I'll get in touch with him myself - CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has a whistle on it conspicuously displayed - CHICO (Singing loudly) "P-E-A-N-U-T-S" CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT VENDOR" - Trentino enters to Chico - CHICO (To Trentino) How'm I doing, boss? TRENTINO Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything you can to disturb Firefly - Now what about your cousin? CHICO He's working very hard - I got him a job driving Firefly's car - He's-a driving him crazy and I'm driving him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the "Peanut Vendor" is heard coming over scene with orchestra accompaniment... GROUCHO (Glaring angrily at window) I'll get rid of that pest - watch me -- He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish dancer... as he reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is by his peanut stand. GROUCHO (To Chico - angrily) Hey you!! CHICO All right - Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho - The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts to eat the peanuts. GROUCHO Have you got a license? CHICO No, but my dog he's a got millions of them -- GROUCHO (Munching peanuts as Chico walks over and stands under window) What kind of a dog is he? CHICO He used to be a bloodhound but he's anemic -- GROUCHO Well - what is he now? CHICO He's half poodle and half watch dog - GROUCHO Half watch dog? CHICO Yeh, he's only got one eye. GROUCHO I don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end of a leash - a ninety-nine year leash - (Gives him a look of disgust) Look - what do you call your dog? CHICO I don't call him, I whistle. GROUCHO What do you whistle? CHICO Yankee Poodle. GROUCHO I've got just the place for a man like you but I'm too busy right now to do any digging. What do you call your dog when you want him? CHICO I don't want him. GROUCHO Well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a pound? CHICO He only weighs ten ounces -- GROUCHO I can use you in the House of Representatives. We need a man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is going to. Step inside. Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of House of Representatives GROUCHO (To Bob) In case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place? BOB (After a moment's thought) About - thirty-four seconds. GROUCHO We'll start a fire -- (Indicating representatives) -- and get rid of these microbes. Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office. CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone. Just as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico enters through the other door. He is wearing gauntlets, reaching half way up his arms. As they walk toward each other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad dash for the telephone on the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the phone, picks up the receiver. CHICO (At telephone) Hello!... Yes... Yes... He's not in... Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting impatiently CHICO That was for you. GROUCHO I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you... Now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yelling "peanuts" in front of the House of Representatives. CHICO Oh no, I can't do it. GROUCHO You don't want to be a public nuisance, do you? CHICO Sure. How much does the job pay? (or) Sure, if there's a chance for advancement. GROUCHO You wouldn't consider going over Niagara Falls without a barrel? CHICO 'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara Falls once. GROUCHO Did you shoot the rapids? CHICO No, but I shot some ducks. GROUCHO If there was an open season for fellows like you, I'd get myself a hunting license. Anyway, I'm going to make you a sporting proposition. You give up the peanut stand and I'll make you vice-president of the country. CHICO Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a brother who was a vice-president once and that's the last we ever heard of him. GROUCHO Well, maybe he's still the vice- president. Now if I were to offer you -- Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and run for the telephone. Again Chico gets there first. Groucho stands by exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end of the line CHICO (To telephone) Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All right... Goodbye. (Hangs up receiver - then says to Groucho) That was for you again. He wants you to call him up as soon as you get back. GROUCHO I don't know what's keeping me. I should've been here a long time ago. Now how about my proposition? CHICO What other job you got? GROUCHO Let's see -- What've I got in my cabinet besides mice -- (Stops to think - then very enthusiastically) I've got it -- how would you like to be Secretary of the Interior? CHICO That's no good. I like to work on the outside. I must have something easy. GROUCHO Then you don't wanna work hard? CHICO I don't wanna work at all. GROUCHO In that case you'll have to take a civil service examination -- if you pass I'll put you in the post-office -- stick out your tongue. CHICO I don't wanna stick out my tongue. GROUCHO Well, if you wanna work in the post- office you'll have to stick out your tongue. CHICO Look, I'm a very nervous man. I gotta have a job where I come to work at eleven -- go to lunch at twelve -- and quit at one. And twice a year I gotta have a six month vacation. GROUCHO I've got just the job for you -- Secretary of War. CHICO 'At's-a fine. Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash for the telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and reaches the phone first. Harpo picks up through telephone receiver, listens to conversation on the other end with an occasional nod and shake of the head. As he listens, he scribbles message on a piece of paper. He holds the written message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes a few more words on the paper. During this, Chico and Groucho stand by, terribly worried. Finally Harpo hangs up the receiver and exits, tearing up the paper GROUCHO (After a moment's glance at Harpo) You know, I'd be lost without a telephone. Now - where were we? Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary of War. The first thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and I get 10% commission. CHICO What do I get? GROUCHO You get half mine and I get half yours. CHICO I don't want to buy ammunition -- we no gotta war. GROUCHO Then we've gotta start one. Do you know how to start a war? CHICO Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult somebody. Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves, then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to Chico in the professional manner of an experienced duelist GROUCHO My card. CHICO (Laughing) That's a-no good. You gotta insult somebody from another country. Look -- (Puts his large gloves on the desk) I come from one country. You come from another country. I say something you don't like. You say something I don't like - and I'm insulted. GROUCHO Why wasn't I insulted? CHICO You was insulted, but you don't know it. GROUCHO (Indignantly) Then I demand an apology! CHICO That's a-no good. If I apologize we no got a war. Look -- I send you a scrap of paper. You send me a scrap of paper -- and we have a scrap. GROUCHO You've got a brain after all - and how you get along without it is amazing to me -- Now, who can I insult?... Who do we owe money to?... (Enthusiastically) AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him? CHICO He's-a very easy to insult -- I say something to his niece once, and he slapped my face. GROUCHO Why didn't his niece slap your face? CHICO She did. GROUCHO What did you say to her? Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho gives him an indignant look GROUCHO You're lucky I don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed of yourself. Where did you hear that story? CHICO You told it to me. GROUCHO (Puzzled for a moment) Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me... I'm going right out and find Trentino. You go right out and get yourself an army. Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him GROUCHO Wait a minute. What kind of an army do you think we oughtta have? CHICO I think we oughtta have a standing army, so we can save money on chairs. At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk and sees the larger gauntlets. He takes a swing with his own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets in is hand. CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side car. Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets, gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand, says: GROUCHO To Mrs. Teasdale's residence! The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car behind. GROUCHO This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been anywhere yet. And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back into the building, the scene FADES OUT END OF SEQUENCE "B" SEQUENCE "C" FADE IN to garden party. This is an afternoon tea in the garden of the Teasdale estate. Spotted in the set-up are innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables. The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the first sequence. The only two people absent are Ambassador Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale. Vera Trentino is seated at one of the tables and her presence is established there in the opening shot. Music is heard over the scene and should be continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra on the premises. Suddenly the chatter ceases as the following announcement is heard coming over scene. GUARD'S VOICE (From off scene) His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly! All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone rises to sing the last four bars of the national anthem. Cut to the gateway leading into the garden... a servant on each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets... GUESTS (Singing) HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the brave and free... Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards and starts down the walk among the guests. From his attitude it is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador Trentino. Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest off scene. The following dialogue comes over the scene. TRENTINO'S VOICE Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage would not only unite two great families... CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner of the garden -- both are at a tea table. This shot leaves Groucho out. TRENTINO (Continuing) ...but would further cement the relations of our countries. MRS. TEASDALE (Fluttering with excitement) Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed honored... (Falteringly) But you see - well - I -- TRENTINO (Repressing his anger - coldly) Oh. Then there his somebody else? MRS. TEASDALE Well no -- not exactly -- but -- TRENTINO (Impatiently) Gloria -- I've waited for years. I won't be put off! I love you! I want you! (Taking her hand pleadingly) Can't you see that I'm at your feet? Groucho enters the scene. GROUCHO (To Trentino) When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine. I haven't been to a chiropodist in two years... (To CAMERA) If that's not an insult, I don't know what is. (Turns to Gloria) Gloria, I love you. I -- TRENTINO (Furious, to Gloria) Can't we go some place where we can be alone? GROUCHO (To Mrs. Teasdale) What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family. I can't give you wealth... (Archly lifting his eyebrow) ...but we can have a little family of our own. MRS. TEASDALE (Coyly) Oh, Rufus! GROUCHO All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head. MRS. TEASDALE (Happily confused) Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know what to say. GROUCHO I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. (Turning to Trentino) Maybe you can suggest something. TRENTINO (Hotly) This has gone far enough! This interruption is humiliating, to say the least... GROUCHO Well, why not say the least and get it over with? MRS. TEASDALE (Fearful) Gentlemen! Gentlemen! TRENTINO (Half addressing Mrs. Teasdale) I didn't come here to be insulted. GROUCHO That's what you think. TRENTINO (Furiously) You swine! GROUCHO Give me that again! TRENTINO You worm! GROUCHO Once more! (Holds his gauntlets in his hand, ready at any moment to strike) TRENTINO You upstart! GROUCHO That's it! No man lives who can call a Firefly an upstart. Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across the face with his gauntlets. Then he quickly flashes his card and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist. GROUCHO (As he offers the card) Touché. A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted by the rumpus begin to move into the scene. Prominent among these is Vera Trentino. Trentino refuses Groucho's card, white with rage. TRENTINO (Coldly) I shall report this indignity the my President. (To Mrs. Teasdale - polite but firm) Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this regrettable occurrence will plunge our countries into war. MRS. TEASDALE (Half crying) This is terrible! VERA Uncle, you can't do this! TRENTINO (Politely) My dear niece -- I must ask you not to interfere. War is not a woman's problem. VERA (Rising angrily) It is every woman's problem. Who supplies the sons? -- the brothers? -- the husbands? Who... GROUCHO (To Vera -- interrupting) You keep that up and you'll crab the whole war. VERA Carry out this tragic folly if you will -- But I for one will not be a part of it. (She winks at Trentino) I will stay here in Freedonia. TRENTINO (As a faint smile of understanding vanishes from his face) Very well then, if that's how you feel about it -- (suggestive shrug of his shoulders) My country has spoken. He turns on his heel as if about to leave. Groucho stops him GROUCHO Then it's war? TRENTINO (Stiffly) Yes. GROUCHO How're ya fixed for ammunition? TRENTINO Bah!! (Waves Groucho aside and exits) GROUCHO (Dramatically) THEN IT'S WAR! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta GROUCHO THEN IT'S WAR! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta GROUCHO GATHER THE FORCES! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta GROUCHO HARNESS THE HORSES! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta GROUCHO THEN IT'S WAR! The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is punctuated by the staccato notes of the trumpet. Groucho makes a military exit from scene in time to the music, which goes into a military march. As Groucho reaches the gate, the guard hands him his high silk hat. Groucho takes the hat -- removes a white rabbit from it -- hands it to the guard -- as he exits through gate. DISSOLVE. END OF SEQUENCE "C" SEQUENCE "D" INSERT of newspaper. The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from background -- as it stops we read the following headlines: "ARMIES MOBILIZE AS WAR CLOUDS GATHER!" Through this insert we get the vague impression of war activity. We see the movement of soldiers' feet. From the background the second insert moves up to CAMERA... The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert comes from the background. The headline reads: "AMNESIA HASTENS PREPARATIONS!" Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons moving along. This is replaced by the the insert coming from the background. The headlines read - "FREEDONIA'S LEADER MAINTAINS ATTITUDE OF DIGNIFIED SILENCE!" Bombing planes move through this insert. The front page of the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until we come to the classified ad section of the paper. We see the following advertisement: WANTED: - A female spy. Must be young and attractive Apply to Office of Secretary of War. Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad -- WANTED: -- A Chauffeur Below the war nurse ad we see part of another ad in which a cook is wanted. DISSOLVE TO A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously those of very pretty girls. The CAMERA moves upward disclosing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row in the ante-room of the Secretary of War's office. On the door leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the lettering: PRIVATE. The CAMERA discloses only four or five of these girls, but we know there are more in the room. Bob appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and addresses the first girl - nearest the door. BOB The Secretary of War will see you next, Miss. This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form. She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's office. Bob closes the door behind her. The CAMERA now moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl. On the other side of him are more girls. A girl to the right of him turns to the girl beside her. GIRL (To the girl at her right) Did you hear the one about the woman taking a bath?... Well, she forgot to lock the door... A man came in and said, "I'm a doctor"... The woman said, "I'm not sick"... and the man said, "that's all right. I'm not a doctor." All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark. Harpo is laughing also. He slaps the story-teller on the leg. Her laughter ceases instantly. She slaps him back, and gets another slap on the leg in return. A little squeal of pain from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her leg just above the knee. GIRL (To Harpo) Look! Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his leg for her to look. On his leg is tattooed a picture of two hearts entwined with an arrow running through both. She gives Harpo dirty look and rises CUT TO Private office of Secretary of War. The office is cluttered with war implements, maps, etc. The examination of the girl is in progress. She is turning around in the manner of a clothes model. Chico is looking her over. CHICO (To girl) You look pretty good to me - but very still need a spy - Have you got any credentials? The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees revealing an attractive leg. She reaches into her stocking for a paper. CHICO (Taking a very good look) You got credentials all right. The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico. Chico looks at the paper CHICO This is fine. Put it back. Hands the girl the paper. She lifts her dress above her knees again and puts the paper back in her stocking, while Chico looks on. She drops her skirt. CHICO I think I better take another look at that paper... She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico steals another glance. The girl drops her skirt and hands him the paper. CHICO (Looking at the paper) I look this over later -- now I look you over. If you want to be a spy, you gotta be in good condition. I better examine you. He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to her heart and listens. CHICO (Listening to girl's heart beat) There's something wrong -- I think I'm getting Whiteman's band. Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch from vest pocket. He feels her pulse while looking at the watch. CHICO According to my watch it's four o'clock. (Puts watch back in his pocket) Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta make love to men. Come on -- let's see you make love... She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair, puts both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very amorous, bends him over and kisses him madly. She lets go after a little while and Chico comes up for air. He staggers around in a daze. Then he takes the watch from his vest pocket, hands it to her, extends his wrist and says: CHICO Now you feel my pulse. Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of confusion. The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two of them are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above their knees. There is a little white mouse running about the room. Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench. The girl just interviewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse, screams and joins in the general confusion. Groucho enters as the girls are running about - zig-zags among them and continues through the room into the private office of Chico - closing door behind him. The girls clear out of anteroom and Harpo is left all alone. He takes a small mouse trap from his large pocketbook, puts it on the floor, crouches down and whistles to the mouse in the manner of a man trying to call a dog. The mouse in answer to the whistle runs into the trap. CUT TO The Secretary of War's office. Chico at the phone. CHICO (To phone) Send in the next girl. (He hangs receiver up) GROUCHO By the way, are you sure we need a spy? CHICO Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no got a spy who's gonna tell the other side what we're doing? At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door, carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the size of a carpetbag. He walks past Groucho in a seductive manner, swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously. Groucho is delighted with this action and returns the ogling. CHICO (To Harpo) Have you got any credentials? Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his leg of the two hearts. Groucho examines it closely. GROUCHO I don't go in much for modern art. Have you got anything by one of the old masters? Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a picture of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy". Chico and Groucho arise from the examination. GROUCHO I'm glad I didn't ask you for "Washington Crossing the Delaware". CHICO (To Harpo) We've gotta have somebody who knows how to get secrets from men. You know how to make love? Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him and starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very hard. In the midst of this there is a loud report. A startled look from Groucho and Chico. We see that Harpo is minus one breast. He tries to affect an innocent look when suddenly there is a second loud report and his breasts are now as flat as a billiard table. Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho, a hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his bustle and the bustle is becoming deflated.) GROUCHO (To Harpo) You ought to carry a spare. Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back to CAMERA. He takes a tube out of his dress front and begins to blow. Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled look as they watch him - the bustle starts to expand. This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as they look on. GROUCHO (Looking at Harpo) We're certainly living in a marvelous age. There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's clothes are blown off him - leaving him in nothing but running pants and ladies' silk stockings. His body is literally covered with tattoos. CHICO (Laughing) That's very funny... he certainly fooled me. He'll make a good spy. Winks significantly at Harpo. Harpo returns the wink. GROUCHO (Examining tattoos) If we can't use him as a spy, we can have him framed. He and Chico continue further examination of the tattooed designs on Harpo's body. CHICO Say, that's a nice collection. You oughta have a catalogue. Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his trunks and hands it to Chico. Groucho and Chico look at the catalogue. GROUCHO Let's take a look at number eighteen. Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb tattooed job of a beautiful girl's head. CHICO (Referring to picture of girl) Say, she's all right. You got-a her phone number? Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number tattooed right under the arm pit. He holds this a moment, then turns and discloses a portion of the tattooing on his chest. Groucho and Chico's eyes shift from the telephone number to the tattooed picture on his chest. Harpo completes move and discloses the entire picture. It is a country back-house with a crescent over the door. Chico laughs uproariously. CHICO (Laughing) That's a funny one! He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly. TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST. The door in the outhouse flies open. The head of a real man appears in the opening. He looks off in the direction of Chico and mumbles incoherencies under his breath. He is terribly angry at being interrupted. He draws in his head, closing the door behind him. CHICO (To Harpo) I think we can use you. Here's a spy glass... go ahead and do some spying... Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward the window. As he looks across street through binoculars, he is grinning all over and wiggling around like a happy kid. ROOM ACROSS THE STREET Looking into the open window of a bedroom as Harpo would see it through the binoculars. A beautiful girl is undressing, preparing to retire. After a moment of this shot CUT BACK to Harpo looking through the binoculars. Chico takes the binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the scene, proceeds to look himself. He registers the same satisfaction as Harpo and hands the binoculars to Groucho. As Groucho looks through the binoculars at the beautiful girl, Chico says: CHICO He's going to make a good spy... that's not bad for the first day. GROUCHO (Turning and looking at Chico) That's not bad for any day. Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars at the beautiful girl. This time he sees Harpo chasing the girl around the roam. This is shot through the binoculars as before. Groucho registers amazement as he looks through binoculars; perhaps squints his eyes once or twice and takes second look. GROUCHO (To Chico) Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a look. Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room across the street. Binocular shot as before. The girl is in her underwear, tearing out of the room into the hall, pursued by Harpo. Chico is still looking through the binoculars. GROUCHO You're right about that guy -- I think we've got something. CHICO I don't know about us, but I know he's-a got something... CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the beautiful girl. She comes dashing madly out of the door and starts down the street, clad only in her underwear. Harpo appears in doorway, riding his motorcycle and starts down the street after her. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "D" SEQUENCE "E" FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home... It is a smartly appointed room. Its main feature for our purposes is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above. In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by fireplace while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up and down... TRENTINO This is all Firefly's fault -- that idiot, that fool... VERA I thought everything was working out fine. TRENTINO Fine nothing! I didn't want war... My plan was to marry Mrs. Teasdale and overthrow Firefly. VERA Maybe you can still win the old dame over -- why not try to -- At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming downstairs and hushes Vera with a nudge. MRS. TEASDALE (As she descends stairs) I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting... Trentino walks over to meet her. TRENTINO (Taking her hand) Mrs. Teasdale... (Kisses her hand) I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with his Excellency, but his attitude left me no alternative... MRS. TEASDALE (Emotionally) To think that this should happen after all these years of friendship. VERA Maybe the war can still be averted... MRS. TEASDALE (Hopefully) Oh, if only it could... TRENTINO Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket my pride and do anything I can to make up with his Excellency. MRS. TEASDALE (Solicitously) Oh, would you...? TRENTINO For you, I would do anything... (Bowing graciously) VERA If only we can get his Excellency to listen to reason... TRENTINO (To Mrs. Teasdale) Perhaps he will listen to you... MRS. TEASDALE Perhaps... I'll call him... She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number there is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging significant looks... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone... MRS. TEASDALE (Talking into phone) Hello, your Excellency?... I hate to disturb you -- I know you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once. CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone... He is lying in bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers... the bed is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers... GROUCHO (Into phone) Why not come over here? -- You can come in the back way and no one'll see you... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. MRS. TEASDALE (Into phone) But your Excellency, you must -- oh thank you -- please hurry... (She hangs up phone... and walks over to her guests) He'll be right over... CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room), disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino. GROUCHO (Hanging on to pole -- addressing Trentino) If I knew you were here I would've brought some cheese... He shoots right up the pole again out of sight. Hold CAMERA on this shot for an instant... Groucho comes sliding down again... this time he is fully dressed, including his high hat and the cigar in s mouth... He walks over to Trentino belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on the way. GROUCHO (To Trentino) So -- you've come to ask for clemency! I'll give the enemy no quarter -- not a dime... MRS. TEASDALE But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador is here on a friendly visit... He came to ask you to patch up the breach. GROUCHO Let him patch up his own breeches... TRENTINO (To Groucho -- ignoring Groucho's remark) I'm sorry we lost our tempers... I'm willing to forget if you are. GROUCHO Forget? (Like an injured woman) You ask me to forget... Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves... and I'd only have to bury them again... A Firefly never forgets... TRENTINO I am willing to apologize... I'm willing to do anything to prevent this war. GROUCHO Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease on the battlefield. I'd lose my deposit, besides, I've already ordered the ammunition... VERA (Putting her arms around Groucho) Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do? GROUCHO Yes, but I'll talk to you about that when we're alone... MRS. TEASDALE (Coming to Groucho) Oh, won't you reconsider... GROUCHO (Relenting) Well, maybe I am a little headstrong... But, you know, it's awfully hard to forget what he called me. (Indicating Trentino) TRENTINO What I called you... Why, what did I call you? GROUCHO I don't remember. TRENTINO (With a little chuckle) Oh -- you mean... worm? GROUCHO (Smiling coyly) No, that wasn't it... TRENTINO Was it -- swine? GROUCHO (Same attitude as above) No... it was a seven letter word. TRENTINO (Thinking, then with a broad smile) Oh yes! -- UPSTART! GROUCHO That's it... Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and socks him across the face... and puts them in his own breast pocket. Trentino becomes apoplectic TRENTINO (Spluttering and stuttering) Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is an outrage! This man is impossible... My course is clear... this means war... (Turns to go and turns and yells to Groucho) You RUNT! GROUCHO I still like UPSTART the best. Trentino exits in a rage. Vera pretends that she is overcome by the scene VERA (Putting her hand to her brow) Oh, this is dreadful! If you'll excuse me I'll go to my room... She exits toward stairway MRS. TEASDALE (Excited - almost hysterical) Yes, it's awful! (To Groucho) Are you sure you did the right thing? GROUCHO Of course. Who ever heard of calling off a war after ordering all the ammunition? By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited from scene. Groucho looks around the room furtively to make sure he is not being observed and takes a large envelope from his inside pocket. GROUCHO The plans of war are in this envelope. I want you to take care of them -- no one will ever suspect you. He hands papers to her CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the scene below. Having heard the conversation, she exits from scene, and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. GROUCHO Guard them with your life... don't leave them out of your sight... If the enemy gets those papers we're lost. If they don't get them, we're lost. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you... Mrs. Teasdale, you're the salt of the earth. They don't come any better than you... MRS. TEASDALE (Modestly, with a bashful lowering of her eyes) Now -- er -- GROUCHO Well -- they might come better but they don't come any bigger... and the bigger the better. The bigger the betta you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking about horses, why don't you marry me. Come, come -- say yes and you'll never see me again. I'll go 'way if it means your happiness... MRS. TEASDALE Oh, your Excellency, you take me off my feet. Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuccessfully to lift her off her feet. GROUCHO (Angrily) Swell chance I've got taking you off your feet... Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesitation, Groucho slides into her lap and continues his passionate love making. GROUCHO Gloria -- may I call you Gloria? MRS. TEASDALE Why -- why -- of course. GROUCHO You can call me Gloria too. Gloria -- what a beautiful name. When I was born my mother named me Gloria -- two minutes later she found out her mistake... CUT TO door as Bob enters. He moves in the direction of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. BOB (Coming into scene) Father... GROUCHO (Looks up and sees Bob... without being a bit disturbed... remains on her lap) Take a letter... Bob takes out pad and pencil. BOB Who to? GROUCHO None of your business... Take another letter. Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in the manner of a studious business man with his hands behind his back... then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad. GROUCHO Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight -- (Turns to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, I could go for you in a big way -- (turns to Bob) However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty -- (Then to Mrs. Teasdale) -- and I don't say that to everybody -- (Now to Bob) Have not received last month's drawing account. How come? (To Mrs. Teasdale) Your neck is like a swan... Yours very truly. Now read it back. (Dashes back to Mrs. Teasdale's lap) BOB (Reading from pad) Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen. Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight. Gloria, I could go for you in a big way. However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty and I don't say that to everybody. Have not received last month's drawing account; how come your neck is like a swan. Yours very truly... GROUCHO (Rising to his feet) They'll know I mean business then they get that letter... see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too. BOB Yes, sir. (Exits from scene) GROUCHO (Turning to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd be crazy to stay here. MRS. TEASDALE Well, if you must go -- She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him. He removes a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her. He is about to put the hat on his head when something in the hat attracts his attention. He empties six baby rabbits out of the hat onto the table; puts his hat on and exits. CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up to the curb in his motorcycle and sidecar. Groucho comes out of house and walks directly to motorcycle. GROUCHO (To Harpo) I'm not taking any more chances. You sit in the sidecar... Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar. Groucho sits on driver's seat. The sound of the motor is heard and Harpo drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the motorcycle. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "E" SEQUENCE "F" FADE INTO Insert of program GEMS FROM THE OPERAS PREMIER DANSEUSE VERA TRENTINO DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company singing aria from some well-known opera. CUT TO orchestra box nearest proscenium arch. Harpo and Chico are there fast asleep leaning on each other. They are dressed in Inverness capes - wearing their high hats. Chico has a red band across his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in gold letters. An usher enters box with two people in the background. USHER (To Chico and Harpo) I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have the wrong seats. CHICO (Awakening) That's all right. We're not enjoying ourselves anyway. USHER You belong in that box over there - (Pointing to vacant box on opposite side of house - orchestra box) CHICO (To Harpo) Come on -- They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll casually across as singing is going on. Part of the way across, Harpo and Chico react to the singing of a very high note -- it's practically in Harpo's ear. He stops -- makes a terrible face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and he and Chico continue toward the box -- CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are headed for. Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in... Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box. Chico steps into box from stage. Harpo is about to follow when he spies a pretty girl in box above. He starts climbing up the proscenium arch to upper box -- the girl sees him, screams and dashes out of box. Harpo completes climb into box -- at this point the singing has just finished and applause breaks out. Harpo acknowledges the applause as if it was in appreciation of his climb -- after a few quick bows he starts out of the box after the girl. As he is running out of box into the foyer he bumps into Ambassador Trentino. TRENTINO (Stopping him) Wait a minute... Mrs. Teasdale is in the box below. The plans of war are in her purse -- you've got to get them -- I don't care how, but get them -- and when you do, bring them to 492 North Myrtle Road -- you'd better write that down. Harpo takes out a pencil with heavy lead and writes the address on the white and purple-edged silk band which is across Trentino's shirt bosom. Then he pushes Trentino's coat aside and from under his vest pulls the ribbon in the manner of a ticker tape -- tears it off -- and starts back to box. CUT TO LOWER BOX MRS. TEASDALE I wonder what's keeping His Excellency? CHICO Never mind His Excellency -- you gotta your pocketbook? MRS. TEASDALE Yes -- why? CHICO I wanna powder my nose... Mrs. Teasdale laughs good-naturedly and puts the purse behind her between her back and the back of the chair... as we go to stage where the shooting of the apple in "William Tell" is being enacted. William Tell is just placing the apple on his son's head -- he turns his back on his son and walks toward opposite side of stage with bow and arrow. CUT TO UPPER BOX Harpo takes a look at apple on the boy's head -- reaches down in box and comes up with a bow and arrow. He takes a good aim and lets the arrow fly... It hits its mark and the apple falls to the ground. William Tell, having arrived at spot from which he's going to shoot, turns to take aim and sees that the apple is gone. He picks up another, at the base of an apple tree and starts in direction of his son. CUT TO Harpo, who is watching William Tell. He reaches down into box and brings up another arrow -- takes aim and lets arrow fly. Again it hits its mark and the apple falls to ground. William Tell, reaching his place, turns to take aim and is bewildered at the sight of the second missing apple. The tree is bare and there are no more apples around. A whistle is heard coming over scene. William Tell turns in direction of the whistle and we CUT TO Harpo whistling with his fingers in his mouth. Reaching down into the box, he brings up a bag of apples and dumps all the apples onto the stage. CUT TO: Lower box. MRS. TEASDALE (Anxiously) If his Excellency doesn't get here soon, he'll miss the whole performance. CHICO He's-a not missing anything. He's in the dressing room with Vera Trentino. (Winks at her) MRS. TEASDALE (Jealously) In her dressing room? Why, what could he be doing there? CHICO He could be playing solitaire, but I don't think so. She jumps as if she's been goosed, and gives Chico an indignant look as he withdraws his hand from her back. MRS. TEASDALE What's the matter with you? CHICO What's the matter with you? MRS. TEASDALE You haven't been still a moment since you've been here. You act as if you had neurosis -- CHICO I no gotta new-rosis. My uncle he's- a got a flower shop -- he's-a gotta new-rosis. Mrs. Teasdale looks at him disdainfully, turns to look at stage, and jumps again. She and Chico turn to look at each other. She, of course, is indignant, while Chico smiles -- his hand is coming from behind her. She takes the purse from its hiding place and places it on the ledge of the box out of Chico's reach. CUT TO: Ballet dancers' dressing room. The CAMERA PANS along, showing several of the ballet dancers limbered up by other dancers. This is done as follows: - a girl stands against the wall on one leg while another girl raises the other leg up and down. The CAMERA passes three or four of the girls and comes to a stop on Vera and Groucho -- the latter is stretching her leg in the same manner. VERA (With exaggerated romance) I shall dance for you tonight as I've never danced before. GROUCHO This is a fine thing to be doing at my age. VERA Are you getting tired? GROUCHO (Still working leg) Not at all. When I was a boy back on the farm I used to pump my own water. CUT TO shot taking in the stage and Harpo. Harpo is in the foreground. On the stage is our hero and his valet. VALET (Singing to hero) Your love is waiting for you, my lord... HERO Fetch my hat - my hat - my hat -- Harpo tosses him a large hat - possibly a fireman's hat. HERO (Continuing singing) Fetch my boots -- (Harpo throws boots on stage Hero continues) Bring me my sword -- (Harpo throws a sword on stage --) Hero continues his song while Harpo litters the stage with various articles - a saddle - a chair, etc... CUT TO box below - Chico is trying to reach for pocketbook on ledge but can't get it. He whistles up to Harpo. Harpo looks down and Chico pantomimes to him to get the pocketbook, pointing to it. The singing stops and aplause follows -- the orchestra starts a selection -- which continues through following routine without any singing. CUT TO box above. Harpo takes out a fishing pole with a reel on it -- he unwinds reel and the line descends near box below and lands in a man's hair -- the man occupies an aisle seat in the orchestra -- near Teasdale box. CUT TO Harpo reeling in. CUT TO man on aisle seat -- The hook has caught onto his toupe and its being pulled off his head. CUT TO Harpo reeling in with great satisfaction in the belief that he has the purse -- on the end of the line comes the toupe. Harpo, astonished, looks down on the victim who, minus the toupe, now displays a shiny bald pate. Harpo takes out his fountain pen and releases gadget. The ink pours down on the bald spot of the man below and spreads into the form of a toupe parted in the middle. CUT BACK to Harpo - he places the toupe on the bare back side of a figure of Cupid carved on the arch. He is now suddenly attracted by something on the stage -- it is a pool with a practical fountain in its center. Harpo digs into a decorative flower box set in a groove in the proscenium arch. He brings out a real live worm and baits his hook -- stands up and casts... the line swishes through the air and the hook lands in the pool on the stage. The line instantly tightens and a large carp fish is yanked out of the pool... as the line is drawn in the fish nearly hits Mrs. Teasdale. She covers her face with her hands. Chico takes advantage of her action, grabs the line, removes the fish, and puts hook on handle of purse... then signals Harpo with a whistle and in the manner of a construction foreman, motions to him to start "hoisting". The line becomes taut and the purse is yanked out of view. Mrs. Teasdale uncovers her face and discovers that the purse is missing. MRS. TEASDALE (Hysterically) My purse -- my purse is gone! There is a buzz of excitement among the rest of the guests as they help Mrs. Teasdale look for the purse. Chico joins in the search. He grabs an elderly dignified man in the party, throws back his coat and starts to frisk him. CHICO He no got it --- As he turns to frisk another man, Mrs. Teasdale says MRS. TEASDALE This is dreadful -- I must see His Excellency at once --- (She exits from box) CUT TO ballet dancers' dressing room, where we find Groucho still pumping away on Vera Trentino's leg --- VERA Are you sure you're not tired? GROUCHO Tired! I'd like to stretch this into a week - Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene. The sight shocks her but she recovers herself sufficiently to hide the embarrassment. MRS. TEASDALE I hope I'm not interrupting. GROUCHO (Still pumping - looks over his shoulder at Mrs. Teasdale) Take a seat -- you're next. (He lets go of Vera's leg - and she exits) MRS. TEASDALE Your Excellency, something terrible has just happened. GROUCHO That's all right. I'll fix you right up. Grabs her ankle and starts to lift her leg - she gets away from him. MRS. TEASDALE My purse has been stolen -- the plans of war are in it. GROUCHO (Shouts) WHAT ? Walks up and down puffing furiously on his cigar MRS. TEASDALE I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect the Secretary of War. GROUCHO (Still pacing wildly) Don't bother me - I'm thinking -- What was that? MRS. TEASDALE I said - I suspect the Secretary of War. GROUCHO (Stopping dead in his tracks) THIS IS TREASON!! (Strikes a pose - raising his clenched hands; then to Mrs. Teasdale scornfully) What a fool I was to listen to your siren song and fall a helpless victim under the insidious spell of your irresistible charms -- MRS. TEASDALE But - GROUCHO (Paying no attention) You satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered, dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm of chaos and oblivion -- (Throws her an arch look) Not bad, eh? Starts for door CUT TO - Stage showing about eight bars of Vera Trentino's solo dance. PAN to lower box - Mrs. Teasdale's guests are gone but Chico and Harpo are there -- Chico is examining plans of war. CHICO This is-a fine - you do a good job - you make-a no trouble and you waste- a no time. Come on, we take-a the plans to the Ambassador. You gotta the address? Harpo opens coat and across his shirt front is the ribbon with "462 North Myrtle Road" on it -- the door of the box flies open and Groucho bounds in GROUCHO Hands up! Harpo and Chico throw their hands up and wheel around CHICO (Smiling) You no gotta no gun. GROUCHO Who said I had a gun... Gimme those plans, you paper snatchers -- He makes a grab at Chico -- Chico passes the plans to Harpo - Groucho goes after Harpo - the latter leans away over ledge of box and holds the plans out over the stage. As Groucho is trying to reach for the plans, Vera dances into scene, makes a graceful pirouette and with her outstretched hands takes the plans from Harpo. As she dances away she deposits the plans in her bodice... Vera's male dancing partner enters from the wings, walks out about four feet - stops and strikes a pose with uplifted hand. Vera is dancing on the opposite side with her back turned. CUT TO Groucho back stage - he sees the dancing partner - pulls a lever on switchboard marked "TRAP DOOR" - CUT TO stage as the dancer disappears through floor. CUT TO shot of Vera - preparing to turn to join her partner - she reacts as she sees -- CUT TO Groucho standing on her partner's former spot holding the same pose ... CUT TO full stage shot. Groucho and Vera are dancing together. During the dance Groucho tries to get the paper. He bends her way over in an effort to make the paper drop out of her bodice. Harpo and Chico, watching the struggle, quickly tear off their capes and coats and leap from the box on to stage in their shirts. This develops into a four-cornered adagio dance. She hands the papers to Harpo over Groucho's shoulder as she dances with him... Groucho rushes to Harpo and they do a twirl together. Harpo hands the paper to Chico over Groucho's shoulder. Groucho rushes at Chico and twirls with him - Chico in trying to pass the papers to Vera drops them on the floor. They all make a dive for them. Groucho gets the papers and dashes with them to the lower box just as Mrs. Teasdale enters same. The following is a close shot of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. The latter standing on stage right by the box. GROUCHO (Handing paper to Mrs. Teasdale) Here -- put these plans where no one will ever find them - sleep on them. CUT TO - Dressing room just a Vera, Chico and Harpo enter. VERA (Apologetically) I'm sorry boys -- I did my best -- it's all my fault. CHICO It's not-a your fault. It's-a his fault -- (Indicating Harpo; then to Harpo accusingly) I fix it for you to getta the plans -- you getta the plans -- then you losa- a the plans -- now we no gotta the plans of war... Harpo lifts up his shirt and tattooed upon him is the reproduction of the war plans... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "F" SEQUENCE "G" FADE IN - Mrs. Teasdale's living room. Night. Subdued light. We begin with an EXTREME CLOSE CLOSE SHOT of a hand depositing the plans of war in a vault. This vault is about the height of a man, the door flush with wall. The CAMERA TRUCKS back and discloses that the one depositing the papers is Mrs. Teasdale -- she is in negligee. She closes the vault door, pulls a cord, closing a pair of drapes which hide the vault. The CAMERA PANS to the balcony above where Vera Trentino, also in negligee, is watching the action in the living room below. She tiptoes quietly from the scene. Downstairs, Mrs. Teasdale turns out the center table light and moves toward the stairway. CUT TO Vera Trentino's bedroom. Vera comes toward window, raises it quietly and waves a handkerchief, evidently signalling somebody below. CUT TO EXTERIOR of house. Chico and Harpo are waving back to signify that they have caught the signal. The boys try to raise the window which is located next to the main entrance, but it is locked and they can't budge it. CHICO (Peeved) It's all your fault. Now we gotta steal the plans again -- You had 'em on you... you take a bath... and now we no gotta plans of war. They try the window again and find it hopeless CHICO (To Harpo) You wait here -- I'll let you in. Chico walks right in through the door, closes it behind him and then appears at the window. He raises it from the inside and Harpo climbs in through the window and joins Chico. CUT TO INSIDE. They are walking cautiously across the room when they hear the following coming over scene -- "Psst... Psst..." They stop and look around, trying to locate the source of the sound. We CUT TO the balcony and see Vera Trentino, still dressed in her negligee. Once more she tries to attract them. VERA Psst... The boys look up and see her. VERA (In a half whisper - mysteriously) In the safe -- behind the drapes -- (Pointing in the direction of the safe) CHICO (Also in a half whisper) All right -- I'll meet you behind the drapes. VERA (In a half whisper) No, no -- I mean the plans are in the safe. (Pointing to safe again) Harpo hasn't taken his eyes off of Vera during all this, makes a sudden dash for her, as she turns to her room. Chico stops him on the second or third step of the stairs. CHICO Come on, we gotta no time for that. Chico goes over to the safe and draws the curtains, disclosing safe. Harpo follows and takes from his back pocket a rather large electrical drill with a cord and plug attached to it. Chico takes the cord and plugs it into the wall socket. Harpo starts to drill the safe door, making a terrific noise -- the usual reaping whir-r-r of an electric drill. Chico grabs his hand and stops him from drilling. CHICO Wait a minute... we make too much noise... Turn on the radio so they can't hear what we're doing. Harpo goes over to radio and turns it on... a dance tune comes over the air. Harpo grabs Chico and whirls him around as if he were dancing with a dame... CHICO (Jerking himself away from Harpo) What's-a matter, you crazy... ? Chico goes to radio and adjusts dial to another station... the following comes over the air... RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER Calling car 125... car 125... go to vacant lot at Tenth and Elm... a woman walking around in her nightgown --- Harpo drops the drill and makes a wild dash for door obviously to go to the woman... Chico stops him. CHICO Come on, we gotta finish the job... RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER Calling car 67-W... car 67-W... go to Mrs. Teasdale's residence... burglars are attempting to break in. Chico rushes to phone... and dials... This shot excludes Harpo. CHICO (Into phone -- after slight pause) Hello -- Police department... ? That fellow's crazy... we're in the house already... Chico turns to listen to the next announcement - hanging onto receiver. RADIO ANNOUNCER The Teasdale residence is located at 232 Poloma Drive... CHICO (Into phone) You'll never find us, you gotta the wrong address... we're at 235 Poloma Drive... not 232... Look, it's a white house with a shingle roof -- shingle -- shingle -- (and sings to illustrate) Shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle all the way... (Stops singing) That's it, you got it... Hurry up, if no get-a here soon, we can't wait... Hangs up... looks around for Harpo, who is not there... CHICO Hey, Skippy... (Puts his fingers to mouth and whistles.) CUT TO Vera's bedroom. It is a CLOSE SHOT showing Vera in bed, shot from side of bed. She is under the bedcovers desperately trying to keep them from being pulled off her... TRUCK back disclosing Harpo on the other end of the bedcovers, trying to pull them off her... for a moment following, a tug of war goes on, Harpo pulling the covers about a foot his way and Vera pulling them back... The sound of Chico's second whistle coming over scene attracts Harpo, who lets go of the covers and runs out of the room. We pick him up outside of the room on balcony. Without hesitation he slides down the bannisters to join Chico who is waiting at foot of stairs. CHICO (Exasperated) Hey, you never get the safe open that way. (Looking up at Vera's room) We gotta try the combination... You gotta the combination? Harpo nods and takes from under his coat a woman's silk combination... winks and looks back in the direction of Vera's room... Chico snatches it out of his hand and throws it away. During above Mrs. Teasdale has come out on balcony, sees the boys but can't distinguish them in the room which is practically in darkness except for a few splotches of moonlight. She runs back into her room... CUT TO Mrs. Teasdale's room... she is at telephone dialing a number... MRS. TEASDALE (After a slight nervous pause) Hello? Your Excellency? There are burglars in the house... I want you to come right over. CUT TO Groucho's bedroom. He is at the other end of the phone in bed. GROUCHO (Into phone) You come over here. There are no burglars in my house. CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. MRS. TEASDALE (Into phone) But Your Excellency, you must -- I tell you there are burglars here... Oh, thank you... Please hurry... CUT TO Chico and Harpo in living room below at safe. Harpo has just finished putting a stick of dynamite in the door of safe... CHICO Light it... Now we blow him up... Harpo strikes a match, but Chico stops him from lighting it. CHICO Wait a minute... we gotta fix it so it don't make-a so much noise... What-a we do? Harpo takes out a large wad of cotton, tears it, hands two pieces to Chico... they both stuff their ears with large pieces. CHICO That's fine... Now, nobody hear the noise. Harpo lights fuse... each stands on either side of safe door waiting for the explosion... after a slight pause, there is a terrific blast of sound... and the screen is masked with smoke. The smoke clears away and the safe door falls to the floor. Groucho walks out of the safe putting the plans of war in his inside pocket... After a few steps he stops and addresses the boys... GROUCHO That woman is crazy... there are no burglars around here... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "G" SEQUENCE "H" FADE IN - to insert of newspaper which comes from background to CAMERA. A screaming headline reads: WAR DECLARED!! This insert goes past the CAMERA as another newspaper comes from the background. The headline reads: - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" DISSOLVE to Groucho's office. Groucho is standing in front of his desk reading a newspaper, which is spread over his desk. The headline is the same as in the second insert - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" Harpo is standing at the other side of the desk. GROUCHO (Pounding his desk) They're coming... (He recites the following command to Harpo) Ride through every village and town wake every citizen up hill and down tell them the enemy comes from afar with a hey-nonny-nonny and a ha-cha- char CAMERA TRUCKS back disclosing a real horse beside Harpo. GROUCHO There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land and one lamp if they're coming by sea. He and Harpo go to the window and look out. CUT TO SHOT of a steeple with three lighted lamps - CUT BACK to Groucho and Harpo GROUCHO They double-crossed me... they're coming by land and sea -- Be off, my lad! With a grand gesture, Groucho exits out of scene. Harpo grips pommel of the saddle with both hands and in his attempt to make a flying mount, vaults clear over the horse landing on the other side. He lets down a rope ladder from under the saddle, climbs the ladder, mounts the horse and starts off. DISSOLVE to CLOSE UP of Harpo riding at breakneck speed. As he looks grimly ahead he reaches down out of scene and brings up a three-cornered colonial hat and puts it on his head. DISSOLVE to a Moving Insert - Harpo bringing the horse to a stop in front of a farm house. He blows a blast on a regular army bugle... immediately a few old men rush out of the house in their nightgowns, carrying guns, and into the scene from all directions rush other men, answering the call, similarly attired. Harpo starts his horse and we DISSOLVE to him pulling up to another farm house. This house has a single door on the extreme end of it and a very large French window covering almost the rest of the house. Harpo stops and sounds the bugle call. This time there is no answer to his call. He waits a second, then turns his horse in the direction of the house and rides through the single door. After a short pause, the doors of the French window fly open and the horse runs out pulling a double bed which is on wheels. Harpo is standing at the foot of the bed, braced against the bedpost, holding the reins. There is an old couple, man and woman, fast asleep in the bed - (This couple might be the blase gentleman and young wife used by Peter Arno in his cartoons.) After riding a few feet Harpo leaps from the bed onto the horse's back and rides off leaving the bed and its occupants on the road. DISSOLVE to Harpo pulling up to another farm house. He stops, sounds his bugle. A very pretty young girl, in her night clothes pokes her head out of the second story window. Harpo takes a good look at her, leaps off his horse and dashes into the house. A moment later he comes out of the house with a feed bag and puts it on the horse's head.... then he dashes back into the house again. Almost instantly he comes tearing out of the house, followed by an old geezer in his nightgown, who is chasing him, with rifle in hand... He fires a few shots - DISSOLVE: END OF SEQUENCE "H" SEQUENCE "J" DISSOLVE through the shooting of previous scene to STOCK SHOT of artillery fire on battle field - a profile SHOT with all the activity of an actual battle, but without an indication of falling men. DISSOLVE from this to interior of Groucho's headquarters behind the front - a wooden shack. The sound of a distant booming of guns is heard over this scene. On the wall is a large war map with colored thumb tacks indicating the positions of Groucho's men and the enemy. Groucho, in the uniform of a Confederate General, (a Robert E. Lee make-up), is studying the war map with a few of his Generals. GROUCHO (Looking at a tack in a distant sector) Either there's a fly in the room or we've got a soldier in Africa. The door flies open and Bob, in a snappy uniform, enters excitedly and breathlessly. He faces Groucho with a quick salute and a click of the heels. BOB (Taking a dispatch from under his belt) A dispatch from the front, sir. Groucho snatches the dispatch from Bob's hand, tears it open -- reads it quickly -- claps his hand to his brow and staggers. The generals crowd about him. A GENERAL (Solicitously) Bad news, sir? GROUCHO Bad news -- its disastrous! A FEW GENERALS (Simultaneously) What is it? GROUCHO (Reading from dispatch) Private Moscowitz quits! (Groucho rushes to radio operator) GROUCHO Clear all wires... (The operator works key) GROUCHO The enemy has taken Hill 25, throwing twelve Hill-billies out of work... Our front is exposed to the enemy -- we'll have to bring up the rear... (Turning away, then turning back to Generals and continuing) P.S. Have misplaced flag of truce... look in upper lefthand drawer of my bureau... The whining of an approaching shell is heard and a shell about three feet long comes sailing through the open window, speeds through the room and tears through the opposite wall, leaving a clean-cut hole. Groucho rushes to window and closes it. CUT TO: SHOT of No Man's Land, with shells exploding in all directions. We see a head slowly appearing over the edge of shell-hole, looking through spy-glasses. It is Harpo... CUT TO: Inside of shell hole... Harpo registers that he has seen something of startling interest. He drops the glasses, scrambles out of shell-hole and runs out of scene. He rushes to his waiting motorcycle (without the side-car). The staff with the flag flying from it is attached to the handle-bars. He leaps onto the motorcycle seat and starts off. CUT TO: A war nurse, attracted by the roar of the motorcycle. She looks back, sees Harpo approaching and breaks into a run. As he closes in on her, she jumps into a trench to escape him. Harpo rides on a little further to the entrance of the trench and turns in, to continue his pursuit. A TRUCKING SHOT shows only the flag and staff, tearing along above the surface, with the accompanying roar of the motorcycle which is hidden from view. As it speeds along, soldiers are leaping up out of the trenches on every side to avoid being run down. This continues doing a zig-zag with abrupt turns... CUT BACK TO: Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is discovered there alone, stropping his sword on a razor strap attached to his desk. Chico enters... goes to time-clock on wall, puts his workman's card in it and punches it. Groucho, attracted by the bell of the time-clock, stops stropping and walks over to Chico, with sword in hand. GROUCHO Late again, eh? You haven't been on time once since this war started... (Puts sword in sheath) Get out there and fight... (Pointing commandingly in direction of battle field) CHICO I can't do it... GROUCHO (Surprised) Why not? You're the Secretary of War, aren't you? CHICO Yes, but I'm not working for you any more. I'm on the other side. GROUCHO (Like a surprised child) Is that so? I used to think you were two-faced - but you can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. Now - let's talk this thing over. Groucho sits down at desk and Chico pulls up another chair and sits at opposite side of desk facing Groucho GROUCHO (Blowing out a puff of smoke) Now -- how many men you got in your army? CHICO Well, we gotta one hundred thousand men. GROUCHO That's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand. CHICO That's all right. We let you have twenty-five thousand men -- and we both start even. GROUCHO (Enthusiastically) That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty. CHICO No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five. GROUCHO Well, we'll let that one go. Now -- how many battalions you got? CHICO We gotta two battalions and one Frenchman. GROUCHO I wish you were still working for me, so I could ask you to resign. How're ya fixed for cavalry? CHICO I've gotta five thousand men but no horses. GROUCHO That's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men. CHICO That's all right -- our men can ride your horses. GROUCHO Not a bad idea. If our horses get tired they can ride your men for a change. (Chico nods agreeingly) Now, I don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must promise to put them through their maneuvers. CHICO Oh, sure. We have horse maneuvers every morning. At this point, an unusually large shell comes crashing from above, imbedding itself, point down, in the floor without exploding. Groucho and Chico rush over to look at it. GROUCHO (Looking at shell) Acme Ammunition Company, eh? How do you expect to win the war with shells that don't go off? Now, if you were buying your stuff from me, you wouldn't have that trouble. Eureka Ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- or your money back. Let me show you some samples. Groucho opens door and yells to some one outside GROUCHO Bring in No. 47, line 8. Harpo enters, bent forward, tugging at a rope which tightens over his shoulder, in the manner of a Volga Boatman... at the end of the rope is a cannon, on two wheels GROUCHO (Pointing to gun) That's our latest number... our sixteen-inch Horowitz gun. (To Harpo) Load it up. Harpo pours a great quantity of powder into the cannon, then to make sure he has enough, he lights a match and looks into the hole. Groucho takes the lighted match from Harpo. He lights his own cigar, hands the match back to Harpo. Harpo pours in a little more powder, makes sure he has enough, then proceeds to ram the powder in the barrel with his horn. He rises and moves to wall toward which the cannon is pointed. He draws a target on the wall with a piece of chalk -- goes back to cannon. He picks up the firing string, and faces the target toward which the cannon is pointing. Chico puts his fingers into his ears. Groucho picks up a pencil from desk - taps it on desk - then raises both hands, in the manner of an orchestra leader. He holds this pose for a second - and on the down beat, Harpo jerks the string and there is a terrific explosion. The cannon fires out the back end instead of the front and blows a hole through the back wall. The two stare off in the direction of the hole. Groucho turns to Chico. GROUCHO With a gun like that you can kill some of your own men. CHICO That's-a pretty good. I'll take a dozen of them. GROUCHO Anything else? (Writing order on pad) CHICO (Mentally figuring) Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen hand-grenades, three kegs of powder -- and throw in some matches. GROUCHO (Writing) Fine. We'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery. By the way, how're you fixed for spys? CHICO Fine. We gotta him. (He indicates Harpo) GROUCHO So! -- He's on your side, too. CHICO Sure. GROUCHO Well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door. Harpo opens the door and discloses a dozen or more snarling wolves at the door. CUT TO - INTERIOR enemy headquarters. The booming of distant guns comes over the scene. Trentino is there with a Sylvanian general. GENERAL Something must be done immediately. The soldiers are getting discouraged. TRENTINO There's only one thing to do... we must capture Firefly. GENERAL But how? It's a very dangerous undertaking. TRENTINO (Standing near widow) Ask for volunteers. Some one must make the sacrifice -- someone -- (Stops to gaze out of window attracted by off scene roar of motor) Here comes Chicolini. Maybe he'll do it. (Walks away from window) Unless we can make Firefly our prisoner, we're lost. Chico enters. Trentino rushes over to him TRENTINO Chicolini, you've come just in time. We need a man who's fearless, brave. A man who's willing to die, if necessary. CHICO All right -- I'll go out and find one. TRENTINO Firefly must be captured at any cost. CHICO That's easy, I'll get him for you wholesale. TRENTINO It must be done right away. CHICO I can't do it right away. GENERAL Why not? CHICO I got a date with a General's wife. GENERAL Isn't that a little dangerous? CHICO (To General) Not unless you find it out. CUT TO: Interior of Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is on his feet addressing five or six generals, who are seated. Zeppo is at the desk writing the minutes of the meeting. GROUCHO Boys, I hate to do this, but if you generals want this war to continue you'll have to take a cut -- Bursting of a shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, fires a shot from his revolver through the window, hurriedly shuts it, then rushes back to Generals GROUCHO We can't afford to pay the money we've been paying. Now I don't want to lay anybody off. My motto in this war is: - "Live and let live". The bursting of another shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, turns his back to window, takes out a pocket mirror, holds it up in front of him and shoots over his shoulder out of window, taking his aim from the reflection in the mirror, like a trick marksman. As Groucho walks away from window, he hears another explosion outside. He rushes back to the window, takes a package of small firecrackers out of his pocket, detaches one of the firecrackers, lights it from his cigar and throws it out of the window. A very small explosion is heard. Groucho hurriedly shuts the window and rushes back to the generals, as we - CUT TO: THE OUTSIDE - A LONG SHOT of a dirigible (miniature) -- then we go to a CLOSE UP of the dirigible. On the bag, in large letters, is printed -- SYLVANIA G-62 The CAMERA PANS DOWN to the cabin of the dirigible. Chico and Harpo are standing at the open door looking down. CHICO Look! That's-a Firefly's headquarters. (Pointing down) We catch him right now. Harpo reaches back into the cabin, picks up an enormous hook and throws it out. The rope that is attached to the hook starts playing out rapidly. CUT TO -- LONG SHOT miniature of dirigible and rope dangling from it... Then CUT TO - SHOT of rope and hook as it approaches Groucho's headquarters. It hooks onto the roof of the shack and raises it off the ground. CUT TO - LONG SHOT - miniature of dirigible carrying the shack through the air. CUT TO - inside of headquarters. GROUCHO (To generals) Gentlemen, the overhead is killing us. Everything is going up. If we don't watch ourselves, we'll come down with a crash. Now -- all those in favor of taking a cut say "aye"... ONE GENERAL (Protesting) But Your Excellency! GROUCHO Carried unanimously. CUT TO - SHOT of dirigible carrying the shack. The shack just clears a steeple by a few inches. CUT TO - INSIDE of headquarters. GROUCHO Now go right out there and fight. (To one general) You go out there and relieve General Beauregard, and while you're at it, see what General Motors is doing. The general, without saluting, exits out of door and closes door behind him. GROUCHO (To another general) Call him back -- he didn't salute me. The second general exits out of door without saluting, closing door behind him. ZEPPO Father, he didn't salute you either. GROUCHO (Angrily) Attention! The remaining generals jump to their feet, stand at attention and salute. GROUCHO Go out there -- all of you -- and bring those generals back -- dead or alive. All of the generals exit through to door; the last one closing door behind him. GROUCHO Why don't those generals come back? ZEPPO I'll call them. GROUCHO Never mind, I'll go after them myself. Groucho goes to door, pulls it open, starts out -- CUT TO - EXTERIOR OF SHACK (against sky backing). Groucho is seen in the open doorway. He comes out and walks down the steps (there are three steps attached to entrance of door, with railing on each side. Groucho is about to step off into space. He grabs the railing and hangs by his hands.) GROUCHO Hey, Junior! Zeppo rushes to door and pulls him up by the hands. CUT TO - Inside as Zeppo finishes pulling Groucho in. Groucho scrambles to his feet, rushes to window, leans out of window backwards and looks up. CUT TO -- SHOT of dirigible as seen by Groucho. CUT BACK inside of shack as Groucho pulls in his head. GROUCHO Get my rifle. Zeppo runs for rifle... GROUCHO I'll get rid of them. Zeppo returns and hands rifle to Groucho. Groucho leans out of the window backwards and shoots up into the air... CUT TO - dirigible (miniature) as the bag explodes. The smoke fills the screen. As the smoke clears away we see Groucho and Zeppo descending side by side in two parachutes against sky background. GROUCHO (To Zeppo) Take a letter. Zeppo takes out pad and pencil ZEPPO To whom? GROUCHO To whom it may concern... Dear Gloria: The air has done me a world of good. I am five thousand feet above sea level speeding home to you. Can you arrange to meet me at twenty-five hundred feet? -- which is only asking you to meet me half way. Don't be surprised if I drop in on you any minute... Your fun- loving Dictator. Groucho and Zeppo descend out of scene, as Harpo and Chico come into scene from above, both suspended from the ropes of their parachutes... They are in a sitting position, with a board across their knees, playing cards... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "J" SEQUENCE "K" FADE IN - to a group of notables standing around a large table. Among them are Mrs. Teasdale and Zeppo. Groucho is the guest of honor, very gaily attired for the occasion. As we FADE INTO this scene, they are singing - ALL (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free! ZEPPO My dad is much too great for his position without a question. I'd like to offer this with your permission as a suggestion: I really think he should be king! ALL We really think he should be king! ZEPPO I really think he should be king! ALL He should be king! SOLO And wear a crown and everything. ALL And everything. SOLO I really think he should be king! ALL He should be king! GROUCHO From what I have been gathering, I think they think I should be king: I think they think I should be king! ALL He should be king! GROUCHO And wear a crown and everything. ALL And everything. He should be king! Then follows a musical interlude during which Groucho says: - GROUCHO (Speaking to audience) You know I think they think I should be king. (Then turning to the guests - singing) Although it would please me to govern the throng, suppose I were king and then everything went wrong. MRS. TEASDALE The king can do no wrong! ALL The king can do no wrong! The king can do no wrong! They all sit GROUCHO Of course you're All aware a king must have an heir some one to pass the family name along will some one tell me where I'd ever get an heir if a king can do no wrong ALL (Standing up) The king can do no wrong! (They all sit down) GROUCHO Suppose a pretty dame Into my castle came - And let us say that I was going strong. She might be stuck on me, but what good would it be, if the king can do no wrong. ALL (Standing up) The king can do to wrong! (Sitting down) GROUCHO King Solomon was game he gave each Girl his name to number them would make a list that long I'll bet his thousand wives led miserable lives if the king can do no wrong. ALL (Remaining seated) We really think he should be king and wear a crown and everything. GROUCHO They think I should - They think I should - They think I should - They think I should be king. (APPLAUSE) Mrs. Teasdale rises. MRS. TEASDALE My dear friends, in time of peace we should forgive those who fought against us, and so, I have invited our former enemies. (Applause) CUT TO door, as it is being opened by two pages. Trentino and Vera enter. They both stop and bow in acknowledgment of the applause coming over scene. As they walk toward table and out of scene, Chico and Harpo enter. The latter is carrying a carpet runner, rolled up under his arm. He flips the carpet runner away from him on the floor, holding onto one end. It rolls out and Harpo strides majestically down its length toward the table with Chico following. Harpo pauses, brings to light a cuspidor from under his coat, puts it on the carpet and spits into it, and continues on, following Chico, who is now ahead of him. Harpo breaks into a run and he and Chico dash madly to the table. They take seats on either side of Groucho and without hesitating, start to eat the food in front of them. The guests are standing. Trentino and Vera arrive at their places and everyone sits down. Harpo reaches for a large service plate with a pretty picture on it, pushes his plate away, breaks the service plate with a knife... it breaks into little pieces like a jig-saw puzzle. He mixes the pieces up, and then starts to put them together again ... Groucho watches him... then helps him... GROUCHO (Stopping Harpo as he tries to fit a piece) No, no, this is the one... (Picking up a piece and placing it...) A waiter places a dish of tasty food in front of Groucho... he is just about to dig into it with his knife and fork when Harpo turns the table toward himself. This brings Groucho's food to Harpo, and Chico's empty plate to Groucho... GROUCHO That was awfully good, I think I'll have a second helping... waiter... Snapping his finger to waiter off scene. The waiter immediately appears placing a second dish in front of Groucho. He starts to dig his knife and fork into it again when Chico turns the table toward himself... This brings his food to Chico... Harpo lifts his plate up and puts it down again when the table stops turning... this time Groucho has nothing in front of him... GROUCHO If I don't stop eating I'll get indigestion... A WOMAN GUEST (To the left of Chico... to Chico) Would you mind passing the salt? CHICO (Yelling to Harpo) Hey, she wants some salt... Harpo takes salt shaker from man to his right, places it in front of himself and gives the table a quick turn toward the woman next to Chico... Groucho is still without food. He rises and looks about table... Sees a dish of food in front of Trentino, who is seated at opposite side of table... Trentino is eating. GROUCHO (Yelling to Trentino) Ambassador, how's the food? AMBASSADOR TRENTINO (Looking up and turning in direction of Groucho) It's delicious, Your Excellency. GROUCHO That's all I wanted to know. He gives the table a quick turn and Trentino's plate disappears as it spins around toward Groucho... Just as it gets to Harpo, he lifts up the plate... the table goes on a few feet more and when it stops, Harpo puts down his plate and starts to eat... again Groucho has nothing... Groucho picks up his napkin and wipes his mouth. GROUCHO I couldn't eat another thing. (He stands up) Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce to you a man who is a prince of good fellows, generous to a fault, his own worst enemy and a devil in his own hometown... Applause... Groucho steps up on the table GROUCHO Thanks, I didn't expect to be called upon... However, in conclusion I want to tell you that I promised Mrs. Teasdale I'd marry her if we won the war.... Well, we won the war and I'm stuck... to the victor belongs the spoils... The table starts to turn slowly... Groucho starts to walk in opposite direction... staying in same place. GROUCHO In union there is strength... The table moves a little faster... Groucho increases his pace accordingly... CUT TO Harpo and Chico now seated beside each other turning the table... CUT BACK to Groucho... GROUCHO I feel that we are taking a step in the right direction, and that's what I call balling the Jack... Speed of table turning increases. Groucho keeping pace against it in tread-mill fashion... GROUCHO Now is not the time for political temporizing, all interests must be sacrificed for the common weal... CUT TO Harpo and Chico turning table... faster and faster... We CUT BACK to Groucho who is now galloping to keep his spot but he's not going any place GROUCHO All those who want to place their money on the wheel, step inside, faint heart never won fair lady... Money won't grow in your pocket like the hair on your head and now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. This FADES OUT on a shot with Groucho running madly, and gesticulating, taking in Harpo and Chico turning the table... END OF SEQUENCE "K" THE END
FADE IN: EXT. PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND - WINTER MORNING A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting for a bus. She's carrying books and looking very collegiate. A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past, SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES, and backs up. The Young Woman stares at her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is all about. Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD CHRISTMAS, age 30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit. LLOYD Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in twenty minutes and my driver's a bit lost. YOUNG WOMAN (heavy European accent) Go straight aheads and makes a left over za bridge. Lloyd checks out her body. LLOYD I couldn't help noticing the accent. You from Jersey? YOUNG WOMAN (unimpressed) Austria. LLOYD Austria? You're kidding. (mock-Australian accent) Well, g'day, mate. What do you say we get together later and throw a few shrimp on the barbie. The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away. LLOYD (CONT'D) (to self) Guess I won't be going Down Under tonight... He SIGHS and zips the window back up. 2. INT. LIMO Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S CAP on his head and drives away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER! The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE: DISPATCHER (v.o.) Carr 22, come in, car 22... Lloyd grabs his CB mike. LLOYD This is 22. DISPATCHER 22, where the hell are you, Lloyd? You're running late on the East Side pick-up. LLOYD Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my way. DISPATCHER (v.o.) Well hurry it up. And make sure you park legally. One more ticket and your ass is history. CUT TO: EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY This building is white with black spots on it, like a DALMATION. Over the front door is an awning shaped like a DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside. The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs hanging off the sides, a tail in the rear, and a dog's snout on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it. HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in a ridiculous BEAGLE COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it, and a swarm of DOGS pile out. HARRY Okay, gang, single file. You know the rules: No pushing, no humping, and no sniffing heinies... 3. The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR. PALMER, sticks his head out. PALMER Hey, why aren't those mutts on leashes? HARRY The same reason you're not on a leash, sir because it's demeaning and it chafes like hell. PALMER Just get them in here now! They all have to be bathed and clipped in an hour. Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but they pay no attention. He struggles to keep them from wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits them on a wall. HARRY You kids stay right here... As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall isn't a wall it's a flatbed truck. The truck drives away, taking the two dogs with it. HARRY (CONT'D) (at truck) Hey, wait a minute! Harry chases after the vehicle. CUT TO: EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined driveway. He gets out and looks up in awe at an IMPRESSIVE STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the front oor and RINGS THE BELL. The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON appears. She's 25 and gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when he lays eyes on her. MARY Hello. (beat) I'll be just a minute... 4. As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his arms, his hair, behind his ears... CUT TO: INT. LIMO - DAY Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the window, lost in thought. She's got a BRIEFCASE resting on her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps glancing at her in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he is speechless. Then: LLOYD Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere? MARY (dead-pan) How'd you guess? LLOYD Well, I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put two and two together. (beat) So where you heading? MARY Aspen. LLOYD Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear California's beautiful this time of year. Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another glance. LLOYD (CONT'D) Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas. MARY I'm Mary. ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate to impress her. LLOYD Uh, this isn't my real job, you know. It's only temporary. 5. MARY Oh? LLOYD Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I are saving up our money so we can open our own pet store. MARY That's nice. LLOYD (smiling) I got worms. MARY I beg your pardon? LLOYD That's what we're gonna call it: I Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms you know, like ant farms. A lot of people don't realize that worms make much better pets than ants. They're quiet, affectionate, they don't bite, and they're super with the kids. MARY Aren't ants quiet, too? Lloyd realizes she has a point. LLOYD Uh... well, sure but they aren't half as affectionate. And if you cut an ant's head off, it won't grow back. MARY I see. LLOYD And best of all, worm farming is a seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year industry. I wouldn't mind having a piece of that pie, if you know what I mean. To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks at her watch and crosses her legs. Lloyd can see that she's concerned about something. 6. LLOYD (CONT'D) What's the matter? Little tense about the flight? MARY (beat) Something like that. Lloyd SWIVELS AROUND and STARES over his shoulder at her. LLOYD It's really nothing to worry about, Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like in a head-on crash, or something. MARY Um, Lloyd, could please keep your eyes on the road. LLOYD Good thinking. There's a lot of bad rivers out there. Lloyd turns back to the steering wheel. CUT TO: EXT. AIRPORT - DAY Lloyd is putting the last bags on a cart. He closes the trunk and turns to Mary. She looks nervous and disconcerted as she reaches into her purse. She pulls out a ten-dollar tip. MARY Here you go. LLOYD Keep it. It was my pleasure. For the first time, Mary Swanson offers a slight smile. This makes her more lovely than ever. LLOYD (CONT'D) Relax, Mary. Just get trashed and pass out. You'll be there before you know it. MARY Thanks Lloyd. (beat) And good luck with your worms. 7. Then she PICKS UP HER BRIEFCASE and walks into the terminal, followed by a PORTER pushing her bags. Lloyd watches her, ENCHANTED, until she's out of sight. Afterwards, he climbs back into the limo, LOVESICK. For a moment he doesn't even have the energy to turn the key. He just drops his head against the steering wheel, DEVASTATED. There's a TAP on the window. Lloyd looks up to see a POLICE OFFICER standing there. POLICE OFFICER Come on, move it, you're in a red zone. Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away. CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and her eyes are focused straight ahead. She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN one dressed in an ARMANI SUIT, the other in a PLAID SPORTCOAT watch her. ARMANI SUIT She's gonna leave the briefcase at the foot of the escalator. You make the pick-up. PLAID SPORTCOAT Piece of cake. EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport window and SEES MARY WALKING ALONG. When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too. She puts down the briefcase and checks her coat pocket for her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He turns to see a car irectly behind him. LLOYD (to car's driver) Drive around me, you pinhead! When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION. 8. He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He starts to run into the terminal, then notices the Police Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and dragging him leg behind him like a palsy victim. INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid Sportcoat is reaching for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at each other, dumbstruck. INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post the departure times. He looks frantically at the confusion of numbers. LLOYD Damn! QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he watches as Mary's airplane taxiing away. EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who FOLLOW HIM AT A DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. HIS POV - his limo is being towed away under the supervision of the Police Officer. He takes off after it, but to no avail. LLOYD You can't do this! I'll lose my job! As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his fingers through his hair. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A dejected Harry climbs out. At the same time, a taxi pulls up and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's briefcase.) Both he and Harry climb the steps of the building. They disappear inside without acknowledging each other. 9. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up and parks. Inside are the Armani suit and the Sportcoat. They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE MENTAL). MENTAL Who the hell do you figure this guy's working for? SHAY I don't know, but we'd better find out... Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them. SHAY (CONT'D) Your ulcer? MENTAL It ain't gonna kill me. INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently toward the door of their apartment. INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they both plunk down in their favorite easy chairs. (Lloyd still has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY, tweets hello, but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY. The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the corner we see a miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt and worms. Here are a couple pieces of haggard furniture with stuffing spilling out of the gashes. HARRY I got fired again. Lloyd shakes his head. LLOYD I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but let's face it, you are one pathetic loser. No offense. HARRY None taken. Were you shitcanned, too? 10. LLOYD Of course not. (beat) I quit. HARRY Why'd you quit? LLOYD I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire me. HARRY Why didn't you wait and see if your suspicions were well-founded? LLOYD Winners control their own destiny, Har. Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one to him. HARRY You know, the thing that really chaps my ass is that I just spent my life savings turning my van into a poodle. (beat) The alarm alone cost me two hundred. LLOYD Big deal. That car's an old bomb anyway. HARRY What are you talking about? It's only six years old. LLOYD That's forty-two in dog years. They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry notices the briefcase. HARRY What's with the briefcase? LLOYD It's a love memento. HARRY Huh? 11. LLOYD The most beautiful woman alive. Her name was Mary. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran high, breasts heaved. She left this case in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life. End of story. HARRY What's in it? LLOYD DO you really expect me to go snooping around in someone else's private property? HARRY Why not? LLOYD (beat) It's locked. They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the parakeet starts to SQUAWK. The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to the PEEPHOLE. HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental are standing at the door. LLOYD (CONT'D) (WHISPERING to Harry) Friend or foe? HARRY (WHISPERING) We don't have any friends. Harry is still squinting out the peephole. HARRY (CONT'D) Can't recognize them. Could be student loan thugs again, or the IRS, or maybe somebody pissed off about that case of Girl Scout cookies you bounced a check on. 12. LLOYD Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The little swindlers gave me Peanut Butter Praline. HARRY Well, whoever they are, they look serious. One of them's even wearing plaid. LLOYD (cringing) That's a hostile pattern. I say we bail and get down to unemployment. Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the window and down the fire escape. CUT TO: EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out. Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY. INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs. GRABNER Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that neither I nor the unemployment epartment of the state of Rhose Island can do anything for you. (beat) You've run out of chances. You're unemployable. Remember last year? Middle of winter I busted my butt to GET YOU BOTH PRIME JOBS. TWELVE- fifty an hour, and you went and blew it! LLOYD Blew it? For your information, we only missed three days in two months. HARRY Yeah, and that was because of a blizzard 13. GRABNER (exploding) YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS! Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted. HARRY Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find something else for us. How about another crack at that Suicide Hotline? Grabner jumps up. GRABNER OUT!!!!! CUT TO: INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the bedroom. MENTAL The briefcase ain't here. He must've taken it with him. J.P. SHAY Shit. (beat) Well he's gotta come home sometime. Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage. MENTAL Maybe we should leave him a little message to let 'em know we're playing hardball. Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around the bird, who SCREECHES IN TERROR. MENTAL (CONT'D) (a la Tweety Bird) I taut I taw a puddy cat. Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone- chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird stops SQUAWKING. 14. MENTAL (CONT'D) (still Tweety) I did, I did... DISSOLVE TO: The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd and Harry climb out and mope up to their apartment building entrance. LLOYD Give me what's left of our dough. I'll go to the corner and buy a few necessities. Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills. LLOYD (CONT'D) What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night Train? HARRY Get Robitussin it's a better buzz. CUT TO: EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries. He stops at a newspaper machine, pulls out his WALLET and removes a quarter. He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE HAND to pick up the newspaper. He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper, and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET STILL INSIDE. Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks his pockets. NO MORE CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN struggles by using a WALKER. LLOYD Excuse me, little old lady, do you have change for a dollar? ELDERLY WOMAN Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't... LLOYD Well could you do me a favor and guard this while I go break a dollar? My wallet's locked in this machine. 15. ELDERLY LADY Of course, young man... Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as Lloyd EXITS a few seconds later with a handful of quarters. Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY, HER WALKER, AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he sees that SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO. CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRWELL - NIGHT A thoroughly beleaguered Lloyd is trudging empty-handed up the steps to his apartment. INT. LLOYD & HARRY'S APARTMENT The door opens and Lloyd ENTERS. Harry is sitting on the couch, looking almost comatose. HARRY Where's the booze? LLOYD It's gone. I got robbed by Grandma Walton. She got my wallet, too. Harry drops his head and lets out a MOAN. LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, man, cheer up. We've been own before. I'm sure we'll land on our heads somewhere. HARRY It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet Petey he's... he's dead. Lloyd looks touched by this. LLOYD Oh man, I'm sorry, Harry. What happened? HARRY His head fell off. LLOYD His head fell off? 16. HARRY Yeah, he was pretty old. Lloyd puts his hand on Harry's shoulder compassionately. LLOYD (hopeful) I don't suppose he had a warranty...? HARRY Nah, I bought him used. As Lloyd thinks about the unfairness of life, he grows upset. LLOYD That's it! I've had it with this ump! We don't have food, we don't have jobs, our pets' heads are falling off, we're surrounded by roving gangs of larcenous old LADIES... HARRY Okay, calm down. LLOYD No I won't calm down. Lloyd flops down in a chair. LLOYD (CONT'D) What the hell are we doing here anyway, Harry? We've got to get out of this town. HARRY Yeah, and go where? LLOYD I'll tell you where: someplace warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. (dramatic PAUSE) I'm talking about Aspen. HARRY Aspen? LLOYD That's right, Aspen. 17. HARRY I don't know, Lloyd, the French are assholes. LLOYD Let me ask you something: do you want to end up like Petey dead in some flea-ridden apartment, face- down on a Dear Abby column, with a soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Or do you want to enjoy your life? (beat) Come on, Harry, don't let Petey's eath be in vain. Don't you see what he was saying? Spread your wings, man. he was saying? Spread your wings, man. Fly. HARRY (confused) What are you talking about, Lloyd? His head fell off. (dawning realization) Wait a second, I know what you're up to. You just wanna go to Aspen so you can find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there. LLOYD That's bullshit. I'll drive. (beat) And what's so wrong about going someplace where we know someone who can plug us into the social pipeline? HARRY (torn) I don't know, Lloyd. I think we should stay here, hunt for jobs, and keep saving money for the worm store. I'm getting a little sick and tired of always running from creditors. Lloyd moves to the window and looks out at the gray, wintry cityscape. LLOYD You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eek my way through life. I'm sick and tired of being a nobody. (MORE) 18. LLOYD (CONT'D) (beat) But most of all, I'm sick and tired of having nobody. There's a deadly SILENCE as they both think about this. Then Harry tries to lighten the mood. He opens his arms wide. HARRY Come on, Lloyd. Give us a kiss. LLOYD On the other hand, maybe you're right, Harry. Maybe we should stay here and try our luck in bankruptcy court. With all those lawsuits against us, I'm sure we'll win at least one. It could be a boost to our egos. Harry sees that Lloyd has a point. He stands and approaches Petey's cage. His eyes fill with tears. HARRY (emotional) Petey, I made a promise to you once, man... (thinking hard) ...and I'll be damned if I can remember what it was. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The Mutt Cutts van is going down the highway while Danny Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" plays on the soundtrack. The van drives past and we HOLD ON a sign that reads: "YOU ARE LEAVING PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. COME BACK SOON." VARIOUS OTHER AERIAL SHOTS of the car travelling down the road while the song continues to play. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY Harry's behind the wheel and Lloyd's in the passenger seat. The Animal's "We've Got to Get Out of This Place" is BLASTING on the radio and the guys are SINGING ALONG: 19. LLOYD & HARRY "We've got to get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do, We've got to get out of this place, Girl, there's a better life, for me and you..." Lloyd turns down the radio. LLOYD Well, we're finally doing it. Do you realize that in all the years we've known each other, this is the first time we've done this together. HARRY Been run out of town? LLOYD Taken a trip. Harry reaches over and UNDOES HIS SEATBELT. Lloyd watches, curious. LLOYD (CONT'D) Why'd you do that? HARRY What? LLOYD Take your seatbelt off. HARRY Because we just cleared the danger zone. LLOYD Huh? HARRY Don't you know anything, Lloyd? Ninety percent of all accidents happen within five miles of home. We've already traveled 6.3 miles. LLOYD THINKS ABOUT THIS. THEN: LLOYD Well what about the people who live around here? What if we got into an accident with one of them? 20. Harry considers this, then sheepishly puts his seatbelt back on. Lloyd opens a bag of Doritos and fiddles with the radio. HARRY Where'd you get those? LLOYD Bought 'em when we filled up. HARRY Lloyd, I thought we agreed to confer on all expenditures. We're on a tight budget, remember? LLOYD This didn't come out of our travel fund. I was able to scrape up twenty- five bucks before we left. You know, so we could live in style. HARRY Where'd you get twenty-five extra bucks? LLOYD I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C. HARRY You mean the blind kid? LLOYD That's right. Lloyd looks out the window guiltily. HARRY What did you sell him, Lloyd? LLOYD Just some odds and ends. HARRY Specifically? LLOYD Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, Petey, three comic books a second, are you telling me you sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Well who else was I gonna sell it to? HARRY But Lloyd, Petey didn't even have a head. 21. LLOYD Put your mind at ease, friend. I took care of it. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY At the bottom of the stairs leading up to the building is a little blind boy, BILLY. He sits in a wheelchair playing with a PARAKEET WHOSE HEAD IS SCOTCH-TAPED ON. He throws the ead bird up, but it flops into his lap. BILLY Fly! Joe Mental and J.P. Shay approach and climb the steps. CUT TO: CLOSE ON A NOTE - taped to Harry and Lloyd's apartment door. It reads: TO ALL OUR LOVED ONES - PACKED UP AND DROVE TO ASPEN - HAVE A NICE LIFE - LLOYD AND HARRY. PULLBACK to reveal Joe Mental and J.P. Shay. MENTAL Those bastards. They're rubbing it right in our faces. J.P. SHAY Shit! Andre will have a goddamn aneurysm if we don't get that briefcase back. MENTAL Don't worry, we'll get it back. And I'll tell you something else. They ain't gonna reach Aspen, either. I'll make sure of that. Mental takes out more ANTACID PILLS and starts to chew on them. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A pissed-off Shay and Mental EXIT the building. Mental pops more antacid pills into his mouth as they descend the stairs. Little Billy is still tossing the lifeless parakeet into the air. 22. BILLY Come on, boy, fly! Plop. Then Billy hears Shay and Mental on the steps and CALLS OUT: BILLY (CONT'D) Excuse me, mister. Is there something wrong with my bird? Mental picks up the bird, studies it, then angrily and WINGS IT DOWN THE STREET as hard as he can. MENTAL Don't worry, Ironside, he just flew south for the winter. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON Harry is still driving while Lloyd studies a map spread out before him. HARRY How far have we gone? LLOYD According to this map, about an inch and a half. HARRY Shit. We're gonna need a smaller map or we'll never get there. We don't have enough gas money. LLOYD Relax. We have more than enough. HARRY I believe you're wrong, Lloyd. LLOYD And I believe I'm right, Harry. HARRY I still say wrong, Lloyd. LLOYD How much you wanna bet? HARRY I don't bet. 23. Lloyd looks at his friend, incredulous. LLOYD What do you mean you don't bet? HARRY I mean I don't gamble, you know that. Never have and never will. LLOYD Oh, bull. I'll bet you our next meal that I can get you gambling before the day's out. HARRY There's no way, Lloyd. You can't do it. LLOYD I'll give you three-to-one odds. That's three feedbags if you win, against only one if you lose. HARRY You're wasting your money, Lloyd. I already told you, I don't gamble. LLOYD Okay, five-to-one I can get you gambling before the day's out. HARRY Sorry, pal, no way. LLOYD Make it ten-to-one. Harry sticks out his hand. HARRY You got yourself a bet, sucker! As Harry SHAKES LLOYD'S HAND, Lloyd breaks into a BIG SMILE. Harry immediately realizes he's been had. CUT TO: EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON The Mutt Cutt van is sandwiched between mountainous tractor- trailer trucks. 24. INT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a booth, surrounded by tables of tough-looking TRUCKERS. Harry oesn't look happy. A middle- aged, no-nonsense WAITRESS approaches their table with a couple of burgers and drinks. She puts them down in front of the boys and starts to walk away. LLOYD (to Waitress) UH, EXCUSE ME... The Waitress reluctantly returns to the table. LLOYD (CONT'D) What's the soup du jour? WAITRESS It's the soup-of-the-day. LLOYD Sounds tasty. I'll have a bowl. WAITRESS (sarcastic) Anything else before I leave the area? HARRY Actually, this chocolate milk isn't mixed very well. Could you please bring me a spoon? The Waitress SIGHS and picks up the milk. Then she BLOWS INTO THE STRAW, MIXING THE DRINK. WAITRESS There. Now you don't need one. The guys watch her stomp away. LLOYD FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAID- back country-folk, don't it, Harry? Harry wipes off his straw with a napkin. As he moves to put it in the ashtray, he accidentally KNOCKS OVER THE SALT SHAKER. 25. LLOYD Uh-oh... HARRY What's the matter? LLOYD You spilled the salt. That's bad luck. We're driving across the country and the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss a handful of salt over your right shoulder. HARRY What for? LLOYD Because that's good luck. Harry shrugs, shakes some salt into his palm, and flings it over his shoulder. Suddenly they hear a YELP. MALE VOICE (o.s.) What the fuck?! LLOYD Or was it the left shoulder? They turn and see a burly TRUCKER wiping salt out of his eyes. TRUCKER Who's the dead man threw shit in my eye? The huge Trucker stands and squints at Lloyd and Harry. He's wearing a FOAM BASEBALL CAP that says: WINE 'EM, DINE 'EM, SIXTY-NINE 'EM. HARRY It was a terrible accident, Sir. Believe me, I would never do anything to offend a man of your size. Please accept my most sincere apology. The Trucker GROWLS and approaches the table, egged on by his equally burly FRIENDS. BURLY FRIEND #1 Teach him a lesson, Sea Bass! 26. Sea Bass glares down at Harry's hamburger. SEA BASS You gonna eat that? HARRY Um... the thought had crossed my mind. At this, Sea Bass leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF TOBACCO SPIT ONTO THE HAMBURGER. SEA BASS Still want it? Harry stares at the burger non-commitally. HARRY Nah, you go ahead. Sea Bass picks up the burger and walks back to his table, to the LAUGHTER of his friends. CUT TO: EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON J.P. Shay is at the gas pump filling the black Cadillac while Joe Mental stretches his legs. A large truck pulls away, REVEALING THE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN MUTT CUTTS VAN. Mental smiles at this, and we CUT TO: INT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ The Waitress drops the check on Lloyd and Harry's table and STOMPS away. Harry studies the bill and SIGHS. HARRY Perfect. I'm out eight bucks and I still haven't eaten. LLOYD Well if you'd stop picking fights with the locals... (brightening) Wait a second. I think I just had an idea. Follow me... Lloyd stands and walks over to Sea Bass and his pals. A nervous Harry trails after him. 27. LLOYD (CONT'D) Excuse me, gentlemen, I'd just like to apologize for that unpleasant scene a little earlier. SEA BASS Huh? LLOYD What I'm trying to say is, my friend and I would like to buy you guys a round of beers, just to bury the hatchet. Harry stares at Lloyd like he's out of his mind, but the Truckers seem to like the idea. SEA BASS Make it four boiler-makers. LLOYD Whatever you want, sir. I'll have the waitress send them over. Oh, and fellas hope to see you again down the road. Lloyd and Harry move away from the table toward the CASHIER. HARRY Lloyd, what are you doing? You know we can't afford to buy them drinks. Lloyd hands the Cashier their check. LLOYD Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check. They said just add this to their tab. CASHIER (skeptical) Sea Bass said that? LLOYD Well, if that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass... He points across the room to Sea Bass and company. Sea Bass NODS TO THE CASHIER AND GESTURES TO HIS TABLE, NOT WANTING TO MISS OUT ON HIS FREE DRINK. The Cashier is convinced. CASHIER Okey-dokey, if that's what he wants... 28. Harry smiles at this. He grabs a couple Beef Jerky's, a candy bar, and a copy of The National Enquirer off the counter. HARRY Oh, and put these on there, too. CASHIER You got it. LLOYD (to Cashier) By the way, how far is it to Rhode Island from here? CUT TO: EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON The front door BURSTS OPEN and a red-faced Sea Bass STORMS OUT, followed by his buddies, the Cashier, and the Waitress. SEA BASS I'm gonna kill those sons-of-bitches! CASHIER Hurry and you'll catch 'em. They was on their way to Rhode Island. The Truckers jump in their rigs and RUMBLE AWAY in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION our boys are headed. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON The Mutt Cutts van breezes by. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON A jubilant Harry's driving and chewing on a mouthful of Beef Jerky. LLOYD I just wish we could've seen Sea Bass's face when he got the bill. HARRY I hope we never have to. LLOYD Don't worry. That fish-head is probably half-way to Providence by now. 29. HARRY I hope so. Harry checks his rear-view mirror nervously. LLOYD Hey, stop the car. I gotta take a whiz. HARRY Are you crazy? I'm not stopping now. What if they figure out we went the other way. They'll be on us in no time. LLOYD But I gotta go. What am I supposed to do? HARRY Hold it. LLOYD I can't hold it. I'm about to explode. HARRY Well... just take a whiz in an empty beer bottle. There's a couple on the floor in the back seat. LLOYD Are you serious? HARRY Yes, I'm serious. I'm not stopping now. We could get killed. Lloyd SIGHS. He takes an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE from the back seat and UNZIPS his fly. Suddenly we hear a PEEING SOUND. Then: LLOYD Uh-oh... HARRY What's the matter? LLOYD The bottle's almost full and I'm still going. HARRY Well stop going. 30. LLOYD I can't stop once I already started, you know that. Quick, get me another bottle. Harry can BARELY HOLD THE STEERING WHEEL as he reaches way in the back seat for an empty. LLOYD (CONT'D) Jesus, be careful! You almost went off the road. HARRY I'm sorry, Lloyd. I'm doing the best I can. He hands Lloyd another empty and Lloyd quickly makes the switch. LLOYD Here, hold this. Before Harry knows it he's holding the full BOTTLE OF URINE. EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY As the Mutt Cutts van travels down the highway, it passes a STATE TROOPER on a motorcycle hidden in the bushes. The Trooper takes off after them. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN Harry is doing his best to steer while now holding FIVE FULL BOTTLES AND Lloyd is still going at it in the passenger seat. HARRY What are you, a goddamn camel? LLOYD Hey, I haven't gone all day. Just then they hear a LOUDSPEAKER: STATE TROOPER (o.s.) Pull over! They turn to see the POLICE MOTORCYCLE cruising right beside then. Harry rolls down his window and CALLS OUT: HARRY Huh? 31. STATE TROOPER PULL OVER! Harry glances down at his sweater he's wearing, then back at the Trooper. HARRY (calling out) No, it's a Cardigan! But thanks for noticing! He rolls his window back up and turns to an equally baffled Lloyd. HARRY (CONT'D) Jesus, what is this, the fashion police? The Cop turns on his SIREN. STATE TROOPER PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY The STATE TROOPER is walking up beside the stopped Mutt Cutts van, staring at it with isapproval. STATE TROOPER License and registration, please. Harry hands him the papers. STATE TROOPER (CONT'D) You know, you fellas were all over the road back there. HARRY Yes, sir, we had a little... ifficulty in the car. STATE TROOPER Uh-huh. (beat) Have you boys been doing a little rinking maybe? HARRY No, sir. 32. STATE TROOPER Then what's that? He points to the OPEN, FULL BEER BOTTLES hidden in the seat between them. HARRY Oh, that's nothing, sir. STATE TROOPER Do you know it's against the law to rive with an open alcohol container in this state? LLOYD But, your honor, he's telling the truth. It's not beer. The officer smirks. STATE TROOPER Is that right? The Trooper reaches in and picks up one of the bottles. He inspects the beer label, then MOVES THE BOTTLE TO HIS LIPS. HARRY Sir, I wouldn't TROOPER --You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you. LLOYD (under breath) YOU WOULD, TOO... Harry shoots Lloyd a look as the Trooper begins GULPING down the piss. He pauses uncertainly and a SICK LOOK COMES OVER HIS FACE. He takes a DEEP BREATH. Then: STATE TROOPER (pained) Get the hell out of here. CUT TO: The Mutt Cutts van is pulling back onto the highway while the officer remains in the breakdown lane with his hands on his knees. CUT TO: 33. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The van is making steady progress through the dark night. INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - NIGHT Lloyd is driving now while Harry sleeps in the passenger seat. The song, "Cut Flowers" by The Smithereens, starts to play as Lloyd FANTASIZES about his future in Aspen. DISSOLVE TO: LLOYD'S FANTASY: Lloyd is walking up the steps of a luxurious, snow-covered chalet, carrying Mary's briefcase. The sky is absurdly blue and children are making a snowman on the lawn. It's all out of a dream world. He KNOCKS on the door, tentatively. Mary opens it. She looks at him, then at the briefcase, and breaks into the BIGGEST, SWEETEST SMILE he's ever seen. Then she slowly backs into the house, gesturing for him to follow... Lloyd follows Mary down a hallway. As he trails after her, she pulls off her shirt, revealing her bare back, and glances over her shoulder at him. CAMERA MOVES around a corner and now we're in a STEAMY BATHROOM. The shower is running and we see the silhouette of two people behind the curtain. LLOYD (v.o.) OOH... OOH... MARY... MARY (v.o.) How does that feel, Lloyd? LLOYD (v.o.) MMMM... TINGLY... INT. SHOWER CLOSE ON LLOYD - we see he's taking the TEGRIN CHALLENGE, with different shampoos on either side of his head and a noticeable part down the middle. MARY (o.s.) How's the other side? 34. LLOYD Nothing. Nothing at all. MARY (o.s.) Lloyd, will you wash my nipples...? ON MARY - her hair is slicked back, making her look better than ever. As the CAMERA PANS DOWN toward her breasts, we are surprised to see not breasts but a SET OF HEADLIGHTS SUPERIMPOSED OVER HER CHEST AREA. The headlights FLASH ONCE. Then TWICE. ON LLOYD - he blinks, confused at what's happening. JUMP CUT TO - an eighteen-wheeler is ROARING RIGHT TOWARD THE MUTT CUTTS VAN on the highway. Lloyd quickly veers back into his lane and avoids tragedy by a whisker. A shaken Lloyd lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF, and we CUT TO: EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON HOTEL - NIGHT The Mutt Cutts van is parked outside this seedy establishment. A neon sign blinks: GROUP DISCOUNTS - HAVE YOUR NEXT AFFAIR HERE. HARRY (v.o.) I don't know, Lloyd, I feel a little sleazy staying here when we're not even engaged. LLOYD (v.o.) Hey, it's the only motel that charges by the hour. We can't afford anything else. INT. BATHROOM - SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL Lloyd and Harry are sitting in a large, HEART-SHAPED JACUZZI. Lloyd is sipping a beer and Harry is absorbed in the Enquirer as the water swirls around them. LLOYD Yep, this sure is the life. Cold beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink sheets... You know, there's only one thing that could make this moment any better. 35. HARRY What's that? LLOYD If you had a nice set of knockers. HARRY That's two things, Lloyd. LLOYD Right now I'd settle for one. Lloyd takes a swig of beer. Harry puts down the paper and looks around at the romantic decor. HARRY I don't know, Lloyd, these places just don't do it for me. Brings back too many memories. LLOYD What happened, Harry? Some little filly break your heart? HARRY Nah, it was a girl. Fraida Felcher. We stayed at a place like this once No-Tell Motel out on Route 31. LLOYD Felcher? You mean the babe who worked for the tractor company? Harry nods. HARRY The same. We had this incredibly romantic time. Boy, I thought we'd be together forever. (SIGHS) Then about a week later, right out of the blue, she sends me a John Deere letter. LLOYD That's cold, Har. Give you any reason? HARRY I called her up and she gave me some crap about me not listening to her enough or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention. 36. Harry reaches for a beer and busts it open. He takes a big gulp. HARRY (CONT'D) Thing that really hurts is I think she was seeing another guy. Never id find out who. ON LLOYD - he does his best to hide his GUILT. CUT TO: EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL - NIGHT We see that the black Cadillac is parked a few cars over from the Mutt Cutts van with J.P. Shay in the passenger seat. PAN OVER to a payphone. Inside is Joe Mental. Outside the booth, an ANXIOUS MAN impatiently paces back and forth as he waits for the phone. MENTAL (into phone) The boys are holed-up in a little love nest for the night. I think they're a couple of fucking weirdos. INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT NICHOLAS ANDRE is pacing around the room with a cordless phone. He's in his late 30s, wears a ponytail, and dresses in Aspen/Rodeo Drive chic. ANDRE What in hell are those guys up to? Is it possible that they're Feds? INTERCUT CONVERSATION MENTAL Unlikely from what I've seen. The ANXIOUS MAN taps on the phone booth and motions for Mental to hang up. ANDRE I don't like this one goddamn bit, Mental. You and Shay were supposed to grab that bag so we could end this shit. Now I don't know what the hell's going on. Andre SIGHS and wipes some perspiration from his upper lip. The Anxious Man KNOCKS on the booth again. 37. MENTAL Hold on a second, Mr. Andre... Mental puts the phone down and motions the Anxious Man closer to the booth. The Man moves forward a few inches. Mental motions him even closer. When he's about a foot away, Mental punches his hand through the glass of the booth and knocks the Anxious Man out cold. Then Mental picks up the phone again. MENTAL (CONT'D) Sorry, boss. You were saying...? ANDRE Look, Mental, just find out what they're up to. I want to know who these guys are. MENTAL Don't worry. I'm on it. Mental hangs up the phone, looks around to make sure he's not being watched, then approaches the parked Mutt Cutt van. He's joined by J.P. Shay. As they get within five feet of the vehicle, we hear a LOW GROWL. They stop in their tracks and turn, expecting to see a dog but there isn't one. They both take another step forward, and the GROWL GETS LOUDER AND MEANER. Again, Mental and Shay stop. He peeks under the car. Nothing. SHAY What the fuck...? Finally, Shay reaches for the door handle. As soon as he touches it, though, the car alarm goes off but instead of a siren, it's the incredibly annoying sound of a POODLE YAPPING. Mental jumps back and pulls his gun. MENTAL Where's the goddamn dog? Shay shrugs, nervous. The YAPPING grows EVEN LOUDER now, forcing a flustered Shay and Mental to retreat from the scene. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWANSON CHALET - ASPEN - NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT of a luxurious mountainside home. 38. INT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET An agitated Mary Swanson (the young woman who lost her briefcase) is pacing back and forth in AN IMPRESSIVE, ANTIQUE-FILLED LIVING ROOM. SEATED ON A COUCH ARE HER FATHER KARL AND HIS MUCH- younger second wife, HELEN. MARY It just doesn't make any sense. I left the money exactly where they instructed me to. HELEN Actually, it makes a great deal of sense, Mary. We should have called in the authorities the moment we knew Melvin had been kidnapped. KARL Now, Helen, we've been through this already for Christ's sake, Karl, these bastards will extort us into bankruptcy if we let them. MARY But I'd never forgive myself if something happened to Melvin. KARL Stop upsetting my daughter, Helen. She's been through quite enough already. MARY It's not her fault, Daddy. We're all a little on edge. Just then the living room door opens and the pony tailed Nicholas Andre ENTERS. He looks appropriately solemn. ANDRE Has there been any word, Mr. Swanson? KARL Nothing yet, Nicholas. Andre looks upset. ANDRE Perhaps I should call off the Preservation benefit this weekend. 39. IT WOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO RE- schedule. HELEN No, Nicholas, it's imperative that we carry on as usual. The atmosphere in the room couldn't be more somber. Karl Swanson holds his hand out to his aughter. KARL Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll do everything they ask. Nothing's going to happen to Melvin, I promise you. MARY Thank you, Daddy. Karl Swanson looks out the window, concerned. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The black Cadillac pulls over to the side of the road. Joe Mental gets out of the car and props the hood open. He takes out his gun, SLIDES IN A NEW CLIP, and puts it back in his pocket. MENTAL (to Shay) Lie down on the front seat. After they pick me up I want you to follow us. Then he folds his arms and the two killers wait for the van to come along. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY Lloyd taps Harry's shoulder. LLOYD You're it. Harry taps Lloyd back. HARRY You're it. Lloyd immediately taps Harry. 40. LLOYD You're it. Quitsies. HARRY (tapping him back) Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies. No startsies. Lloyd shakes his head, defeated. LLOYD Damn, you're good, Harry. (beat) Hey, didn't I tell you this trip would be a blast? EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Joe Mental squints down the road, sees the Mutt Cutts van approaching, and starts WAVING HIS HANDS to flag them down. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN Through the windshield we can see Mental waving. The guys don't slow down, through. The just WAVE BACK as they BLOW RIGHT BY HIM. Harry also toots the horn, which makes the SOUND OF A DOG BARKING. LLOYD See, I told you these country folks were friendly, Harry. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY As an angry Mental watches them disappear down the road, Shay sits up in the front seat. SHAY What happened? MENTAL These fuckers are really pissing me off now. CUT TO: EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER THAT DAY We hear The Zombie's 'Time of the Season' as the van flashes by. 41. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY HARRY Refresh my memory on something, Lloyd: what exactly do we do when we get to Aspen? LLOYD Well the first thing we do is take a good deep breath of that famous Aspenese air. HARRY Fresh, huh? LLOYD The freshest. They say on any day of the week you can smell a moose-fart ten miles away. HARRY (sincere) Wow... talk about paradise. (beat) And after we're finished breathing, what next, Lloyd? LLOYD Then we make a splash on the social scene. Just then, Lloyd notices something up the road. LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, look the golden arches. Pull over, I'm starving. CUT TO: EXT. MCDONALD'S - DAY The Mutt Cutt car is at the drive-through window. MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE ...That's two cheese burgers, two fries, and two medium Cokes. Five seventy- two. Harry hands a ten-dollar-bill to the Employee, who returns a handful of change. HARRY Thanks. 42. Then, before he can give them the bag of food, the guys absentmindedly DRIVE OFF. As they pull out of the parking lot, the McDonald's Employee sticks his head out the window and WAVES THE BAG OF FOOD at them. MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE Hey! But the guys are already around the corner. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The Mutt Cutt van is on the road again, cruising along. INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - DAY HARRY About this social scene how do you expect a couple mutts like us to make a splash in the land of pedigrees when we don't even have any money? LLOYD Look, once we drop the briefcase off to Mary, she'll be so grateful she'll plug us right into the party circuit. After that, we do a little of the ski SCENE, HOB-NOB WITH THE ELBOW- rubbers, and walk out of there in the spring with enough business connections to open a first-class worm operation. You see, you don't get rich working, Harry. You get rich knowing the rich. HARRY Where'd you hear that? LLOYD Some bum down at unemployment. Harry thinks about this. HARRY I don't know, Lloyd. LLOYD What's the matter? HARRY Money does terrible things to people. I mean, we could lose our friendship. 43. Lloyd thinks about this. LLOYD Yeah? So? Harry nods and looks out the window. Suddenly SOMETHING DAWNS ON LLOYD. LLOYD (CONT'D) Hey, wait a second. Hold everything. HARRY What? LLOYD Aren't you forgetting something? Harry thinks about this. LLOYD (CONT'D) Back at Mickey D's? A little matter you might've overlooked...? Harry wracks his brain, but to no avail. HARRY What? Lloyd rolls his eyes. LLOYD My change. As a sheepish Harry gives Lloyd his change, they notice something up ahead. HARRY & LLOYD'S POV - ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, JOE MENTAL IS WAVING THEM DOWN AGAIN. This time the Cadillac is PARKED SIDEWAYS ACROSS THE ROAD, BLOCKING THEIR PATH. HARRY I think this guy's in trouble. Why on't you pull over. Lloyd looks at Harry. Harry remembers that he's driving. He pulls the car to the side of the road. Mental approaches the passenger window. 44. MENTAL You guys going as far as Des Moines? My car died and I'm late for a business meeting. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY They're back on the highway and Joe Mental is SITTING BETWEEN THEM, looking extremely ANNOYED. The guys are in the middle of an argument. HARRY It's a fruit. LLOYD It's a vegetable. HARRY I'm telling you, it's a fruit. LLOYD And I happen to know it's a vegetable. HARRY Tell you what, why don't we leet an impartial judge decide. LLOYD Fine with me. Harry turns to Joe Mental. HARRY Hey, Mr. Mentalino, settle our bet: Are jelly beans fruits or vegetables? Mental grits his teeth as he pops a few antacid pills in his mouth. He reaches into his coat pocket and we see a GLINT OF STEEL. Just when he's about to pull the gun out, though, Lloyd hits the breaks and SKIDS to a stop beside a bunch of hitchhiking MIGRANT WORKERS. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER The trio have picked up SIX MIGRANT WORKERS and everyone is crammed into the car including a CRYING BABY who sits on a pissed-off Mental's lap. Someone's playing a FLAMENCO GUITAR and the gang is SINGING a SPANISH SONG. DISSOLVE TO: 45. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER STILL The Migrant Family is gone now. Harry and Lloyd are playing a game while Mental stares straight ahead, furious. His eyes are watering and he looks ill. LLOYD Okay, Harry, my turn. Let 'er rip. Harry lifts a cheer and lets out a LOUD FART. Lloyd SNIFFS a few times, then closes his eyes and WAFTS it up toward his nostrils, as if it was the aroma of a fine wine. LLOYD (CONT'D) Hmmm... full-bodied, delicate bouquet, aged to perfection will rip no fart before it's time. (beat) Come on, Marquis of Dingleberry's rules: you got ten seconds. All right. I'll say: cheese doodles, chili dog extra onions, garden salad with blue... HARRY And...? LLOYD Kit-Kat bar. Harry throws up his arms, defeated. He hands Lloyd a buck. HARRY You're the best, man. (beat) Okay, my turn. LLOYD Where are your manners, Harry? We have a guest. Harry punches Mental's shoulder playfully. HARRY Come on, Mr. Mentalino. Let one fly. It's only a buck. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO CAFÉ - LATE AFTERNOON A large neon road sign beside the café shows a man's exasperated face with FLAMES SHOOTING FROM HIS NOSE, MOUTH AND EARS. The sign advertises: HOTTEST CHILI 46. PEPPERS NORTH OF THE BORDER. INT. DANTE'S INFERNO Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a table with a hateful Joe Mental. The boys are each holding up a POINTED RED CHILI PEPPER. HARRY I'll do one if you will. LLOYD Okay, you go first. HARRY No, you go first. LLOYD No, you go first. MENTAL Why don't you both stop being a couple of pussies and go at the same time. It ain't that hot. Lloyd and Harry exchange a look, then simultaneously BITE INTO THE PEPPERS. LLOYD Hmmm, not bad... HARRY Yeah, more tingly than hot. Suddenly the boys' EYES LIGHT UP. THEY LET OUT A SHRIEK. A smile begins to curl on Mental's lips. He pours them a couple glasses of water from a pitcher. MENTAL Have some water. It'll help. Lloyd and Harry who are both sweating profusely now start to GULP down their water. This, of course, makes it burn more. MENTAL (CONT'D) Aw, shucks, that's right. Water just makes it worse... The boys run to the bar and DUMP PITCHERS OF WATER ON THEIR HEADS, much to the elight of a CHUCKLING Joe Mental. CUT TO: 47. EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY Mental is on the phone outside the front door TALKING to Nicholas Andre. INTERCUT CONVERSATION MENTAL It's Mental. I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys. ANDRE Good work. What did you find out so far? MENTAL Nothing yet, but I'm gonna shake 'em own for information at lunch. (beat) Then I'm gonna kill 'em for dessert. ANDRE Well eat fast, time's running out. And whatever you do, don't let them get any closer. I don't need them here running around Aspen. Mental pulls a BLACK VIAL OF PILLS out of his jacket. MENTAL Relax, they ain't gonna be running around anywhere after I dump a little cyanide in their pops. INT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY Back at the table, the boys are soaked and HUFFING as if they just finished the Boston Marathon. The burgers have been served, but Lloyd and Harry are still too traumatized to touch them. HARRY That really wasn't very polite of him, was it? Maybe we should loosen the screws of his chair. LLOYD Harry Dunne, I'm surprised at you. Perhaps it's about time you brushed UP ON A LITTLE TOME THAT WE GOD- fearing adults call the Bible. It's crammed with all kinds of pithy rules to live your life by. 48. HARRY (humbled) You mean like 'turn the other cheek?' LLOYD No, I mean like 'an eye for an eye.' Hand me those peppers the atomic ones. Harry passes the jar and the two of them LOAD JOE MENTAL'S BURGER WITH CHILI PEPPERS, EXPERTLY CAMOUFLAGING THEM WITH LETTUCE. HARRY (whispering) Here he comes. Lloyd and Harry bite into their food as Joe Mental sits back down at the table. MENTAL Feeling any better, boys? As he pours ketchup on his burger, the guys glance at each other and TITTER. Then he picks it up and brings it to his mouth. Just before biting into it, though, he PAUSES. MENTAL (CONT'D) So tell me, why you fellas headed to Aspen? Vacation? LLOYD More like re-location. Mental starts toward the burger but stops again. MENTAL Doesn't look like you packed much. All I saw was a couple bags... and that briefcase. HARRY The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady just left it at the airport. We're bringing it back to her. This is news to Mental. MENTAL You mean you don't even know her? LLOYD Not really. I was just her limo river. 49. Mental looks at the two of them and realizes that they're serious. Then he BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MENTAL Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time... Lloyd and Harry share a confused look. Mental shakes his head and BITES INTO HIS BURGER, CHEWING HEARTILY. Almost immediately, his happy demeanor is replaced by a LOOK OF HORROR. His FACE TURNS RED, HE GRABS HIS STOMACH AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, GASPING. The boys look at each other guiltily, then bend down to help him. HARRY Hey, you okay, man? It was just a goof. MENTAL (STRAINED WHISPER) My ulcer... quick... pills... in my coat... Harry checks Mental's coat pocket for his antacid pills but unwittingly brings out the BLACK OF CYANIDE PILLS. He shakes some pills out and hands them to Mental, who tosses them in his mouth and starts to MUNCH on them. For a moment, he appears to improve. His BREATHING SLOWS and he sits up. Then his EYES LIGHT UP. MENTAL'S POV - QUICK ZOOM IN on the black bottle Harry is holding! MENTAL (CONT'D) You son-of-a-bitch! Mental GURGLES and keels over, DEAD. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON Lloyd and Harry are back on the road, looking solemn. HARRY I can't believe it... 50. LLOYD Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewing on a burger; the next minute you're dead meat. HARRY But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words. LLOYD If you don't count that gurgling sound. Harry lets out a GROAN. LLOYD (CONT'D) Hey, relax, man, I'm just as responsible as you are we both slipped him the peppers and look at me, I on't feel guilty at all. HARRY Small comfort coming from a man who sells dead birds to blind kids. (SIGHS) Don't you get it, Lloyd. I've got a ead guy pissed at me. His restless spirit will probably haunt me for the next seventy-five years. LLOYD That's ridiculous. You probably won't live to see forty. Harry perks up, cheered by this thought. HARRY Oh yeah. (beat) Wow. What a relief. EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON As the Mutt Cutts van flashes by on it's westward journey, we CUT TO: EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - EVENING A DOCTOR is covering up the body of Joe Mental as he TALKS to DETECTIVE DALE. The etective is a no-nonsense type in his mid-forties with a military-regulation crewcut. 51. DOCTOR ...My official conclusion is that the eceased expired from oxygen eprivation caused by the presence of cyanide in the bloodstream. DT. DALE You mean he was poisoned? DOCTOR Unquestionably. We found these by the body. He holds up the container of cyanide pills. Dt. Dale nods and approaches another COP in the b.g. COP Waitress says he was with a couple of younger guys. They're the ones who called the ambulance then they hit the road. DT. DALE Any idea where they were going? COP A witness at the next table thought he heard them say they were driving to France. Dale frowns at this and the Cop shrugs. COP (CONT'D) We got a report they were seen heading west on I-80 toward Colorado. DT. DALE Get a make on the vehicle? The Cop consults his note pad. COP Yes, sir. They were driving an '84 poodle. Dt. Dale does a double-take. DT. DALE An '84 what? 52. COP (straight-faced) Well it might have been a wire-haired terrier, Detective. They're very similar in appearance. The Detective looks confused, as we CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT The boys are extremely exhausted as they plow through the black night toward Aspen. HARRY Let's get off and crash at a motel before I crash into one. (yawning) I need a crib fast. LLOYD Sorry, Har. We're gonna have to hold out. Seems we misjudged our expense allocation. If we pay for a motel we won't have enough for gas. HARRY What happened to the dough? LLOYD We over-leveraged. HARRY On what? LLOYD I sprung for Mr. Chili Pepper's last meal. Felt it was the least we could o after we deep-sixed him. HARRY Wait a second one burger put us over budget? LLOYD The slob ordered a double-bacon eluxe and a chocolate malt. HARRY Oh. (beat) So what are we gonna do? 53. LLOYD Drive. We've only got ten more hours. We can take turns. CUT TO: EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT A frightened J.P. Shay is TALKING on the phone with Nicholas Andre. SHAY You heard me, he's dead. The bastards killed him. INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT Andre nervously lights a cigarette as he speaks. ANDRE Jesus Christ... Andre's forehead begins to glisten with perspiration. ANDRE (CONT'D) All right, I want you back here now. If they're coming this way I'm going to need you. SHAY (v.o.) How's our bankroll doing? Giving you a hard time? ANDRE Melvin's not the problem. It's these two other guys that have me worried. I wish I knew what the hell they wanted. Andre hangs up the phone and then disappears down his basement stairs. INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT The room has a dirt floor. There's a stone WELL in the middle. We hear MUFFLED HUMAN WHIMPERING coming from deep within the well. Andre walks to the edge of the dark hole. ANDRE How you doing today, Melvin? 54. Andre takes a hit off his cigarette and flicks it into the well. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The Mutt Cutts van cruises down the lonely interstate. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT Lloyd is now FAST ASLEEP in the passenger seat as Harry drives on. A roadsign reading DENVER - 602 MILES whizzes by. Todd Rundgren's "Too Far Gone" begins to play while Harry peers at the empty highway INTROSPECTIVELY. As the song plays we see a series of quick shots: A new sign says DENVER - 421 MILES. Lloyd is still asleep with his feet now on Harry's lap. Another sign reads DENVER - 201 MILES. Harry stares straight ahead, practically catatonic. Lloyd's feet are out the window and his head is on Harry's lap. The next roadsign says DENVER - 157 MILES. Lloyd's feet are now up over the headrest and his head is down where his feet should be. Harry looks on the verge of blacking out. Finally, a sign reads COLORADO STATE LINE - 25 MILES/FOOD, GAS NEXT EXIT. EXT. TRUCK STOP - 2:10 IN THE MORNING The Mutt Cutts van pulls up to a gas pump. In the background are several tractor-trailer rigs and a café. Harry climbs out, thoroughly exhausted, walks around and opens the passenger door. Lloyd tumbles to the asphalt, STILL ASLEEP. Harry nudges him with his foot. HARRY Come on, wake up. You pay, I'll pump. Lloyd comes to and grudgingly pulls himself up to his feet. EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT Harry moves to the back of the poodle van. He has to LIFT ONE OF THE CAR'S REAR LEGS to unscrew the gas cap. Then he sticks the nozzle in and starts to fill her up. 55. EXT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Lloyd comes around the corner, dragging a BATHROOM KEY ATTACHED BY A CHAIN TO A CAR ENGINE toward the Men's Room. When he gets it to the door, he struggles to lift the engine on it's side, finally managing to slip the key into the lock. EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT Harry is yawning as he pumps the gas. Suddenly a Jeep Cherokee pulls up and a long-legged, tanned, ATHLETIC BEAUTY climbs out. This seems to wake Harry up. The Athletic Beauty smiles at Harry as she grabs a pump and starts to fill her jeep. Harry makes a feeble attempt to brush his hair into place, then CLEARS HIS THROAT and nods to the skis on her roof-rack. HARRY Skis, huh? ATHLETIC BEAUTY That's right. HARRY Great. She continues to pump gas. HARRY (CONT'D) They yours? ATHLETIC BEAUTY Uh-huh.. HARRY Both of 'em? ATHLETIC BEAUTY Um, yeah. HARRY (impressed) Cool. THE GAS FROM HARRY'S NOZZLE STARTS TO OVERFLOW, BUT HE DOESN'T NOTICE. FROM HER POV IT LOOKS like a BIG DOG IS PISSING ON HIS LEG. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Excuse me, you're spraying everywhere. 56. Harry turns to see the gas GUSHING ALL OVER HIS SHOES. He immediately removes the nozzle and replaces it on the pump as she smiles to herself. INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM Lloyd is standing in a stall urinating. He starts to read the graffiti scrawled on the wall. Finally, he comes to one that says: FOR A GOOD TIME, MEET ME HERE NOVEMBER 8, 1993, 2:15 A.M. SHARP. He frowns at this, then looks nervously at his watch. CLOSE UP OF DIAL - the date reads NOVEMBER 8. ZOOM IN on the minute hand as it CLICKS TO EXACTLY 2:15. Just as a concerned look crosses Lloyd's face, we hear the BATHROOM DOOR SQUEAK OPEN AND SLAM SHUT! Terrified, Lloyd quickly locks the stall door, then crouches on the toilet bowl so his feet aren't visible. The sound of HEAVY FOOTSTEPS approaches the stall and then stops. Lloyd looks down to see a pair of SIZE 16 WORKBOOTS beneath the door. We can barely hear a LOW GROWL. Then the stall handle JIGGLES. Lloyd holds his breath. The ominous boots MOVE AWAY and Lloyd lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF. All of a sudden the DOOR IS KICKED IN, AND A TOWERING FIGURE STEPS INTO FRAME. Lloyd looks up and GASPS. HIS POV - it's the Redneck trucker, Sea Bass. SEA BASS Well, well, well, if it ain't my old friend. (checks watch) And right on time... As Sea Bass STEPS INTO THE STALL, we CUT TO: EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT The Athletic Beauty is back in her Jeep now and Harry has sidled up to the driver's side. He leans against her side- view mirror. 57. HARRY (re: suitcases in back seat) That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Actually, I'm moving to Aspen. I've got to get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz. My astrologer told me I should avoid accident-prone guys. Just then, the side-view mirror Harry has been leaning on SNAPS OFF THE CAR. HE CRACKS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD, FALLS TO THE GROUND, THEN QUICKLY LEAPS TO HIS FEET AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED. HARRY (holding out mirror) Here, this is a little loose. She throws the mirror into the back seat and takes out a cigarette. HARRY (CONT'D) Allow me... He pulls out a match and lights it with a debonair flourish. The Athletic Beauty nods her thanks. Harry tosses the match to the ground, and we hear an O.S. WHOOSH! Wisps of smokes rise around him and we hear the LOW CRACKLE OF SOMETHING BURNING. (Neither of them notice this.) HARRY (CONT'D) Look, um, maybe when I get to Aspen we can meet up... you know, for hot chocolate or something. She looks him over and smiles. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Why not? You seem pretty harmless. I'll give you my number. Just let me find a pen. As she starts to rummage through her purse, Harry SMELLS THE SMOKE. He looks down and sees that his RIGHT SHOE IS ABLAZE! He shakes it, then tries to put it out with the other shoe, but to no avail. Meanwhile, the Athletic Beauty is still searching for a pen. 58. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) I know I have one here somewhere... Harry starts doing a soft-shoe dance to extinguish the flames. This only helps to fan them. HARRY (urgently) Look, why don't you just tell it to me, I've got a good memory. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Are you sure you won't forget? HARRY (desperate) Positive please hurry. He begins hopping around violently. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Is something wrong? Harry shakes his head no as he bites his lip to keep from screaming. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Okay, my number is 652-2553. (beat) Oh, wait a second, that's my old number. It's so funny how your mind god sakes, give me the damn number! She's taken aback by this outburst. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Look, man, if you're gonna get pushy you can just forget it! She throws the car into drive and PEELS AWAY. INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM Sea Bass has his meaty paw wrapped around Lloyd's neck as he slides him up the wall of the toilet stall. SEA BASS First I'm gonna rape you, then I'm gonna kill you. Any last request? LLOYD Um, yeah could you do it the other way around? 59. Sea Bass pushes Lloyd to his knees. Then the trucker steps back and UNDOES HIS FLY. The sound of the zipper brings a green color to Lloyd's face. ON THE MEN'S ROOM DOOR - it bursts open and a FLAME-FOOTED Harry rushes into the bathroom, panic-stricken. In his desperation he PLOWS THROUGH THE STALL DOOR KNOCKING SEA BASS ON THE HEAD and thrusts his flaming foot into the toilet, EXTINGUISHING THE FIRE. Harry breathes a DEEP SIGH of relief. Only then does he notice LLOYD ON HIS KNEES AND SEA BASS UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS PANTS UNDONE. Harry has to do a DOUBLE-TAKE for this to sink in. Then he lets out an admonishing WHISTLE. HARRY You've got some serious explaining to o, young man. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT CLOSE UP - of Harry's BURNT SHOE with the toes sticking out on the accelerator. LLOYD Look, Harry, I told you what happened, now drop it. HARRY Sure thing, Lloyd. I promise not to mention another word about you being in a bathroom stall with a six-foot, five-inch trucker with his pants own. LLOYD That's a low blow, man. HARRY Not at that height it's not. LLOYD Listen, bud, if you're trying to imply that I'm that thought look, we're almost in Colorado. 60. LLOYD SQUINTS THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD. A SIGN UP AHEAD SAYS: LAST EXIT IN NEBRASKA - COLORADO STATE LINE - 3 MILES. HARRY I think it's about time we pull over and change seats. I've been driving for nine straight hours I don't have the energy to start a new state. Lloyd nods, and as he pulls off the exit, we CUT TO: CLOSE ON A SIGN - it reads WELCOME TO COLORADO, HOME OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS. PAN DOWN to reveal a number of POLICEMEN stopping and checking cars as they cross the border. A HELICOPTER lands on the side of the road and Detective Dale hops out. He hurries to the COP in charge. DT. DALE Any sign of them yet? COP No, but we're expecting them shortly. A motorist said he spotted a pooch about thirty miles back headed this way. Detective Dale nods, satisfied. CUT TO: EXT. MINI MART - NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT of a mini mart. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT The door opens and Lloyd gets in carrying a bag of Doritos and a soda. He settles into the driver's seat and pulls a Beef Jerky out of his back pocket. LLOYD Hey, I picked you up a Beef Jerky... When he gets no response, he notices that Harry is already fast asleep in the passenger seat. Lloyd shakes his head. LLOYD (CONT'D) Boy, some guys just weren't cut out for life on the road. 61. EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT Lloyd starts the engine and pulls out of the parking lot to the nearby freeway entrance. As he enters the on-ramp, we ZOOM IN on a sign that says: ROUTE 80 - EAST. He's unwittingly headed BACK IN THE DIRECTION THEY JUST CAME FROM! DISSOLVE TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - SUNNY MORNING It's bright daylight now. Harry is sleeping peacefully in the passenger seat while Lloyd sips a coffee. The van hits a bump which causes Harry's eyes to flutter open. LLOYD Hey, Mr. Sleepy Head, welcome back. HARRY (groggy) How long have I been out? LLOYD I'd say a good five hours, anyway. Harry yawns and stretches. HARRY Great. We must be getting real close, huh? LLOYD Should be. I've been averaging about ninety miles an hour all night. HARRY Good man. LLOYD Boy, I'll tell you, this is one angerous highway. You wouldn't believe all the road pizza two dead ogs, a couple of rabbits, a snake and some big thing I couldn't even recognize. HARRY That's awful. Did you see them get hit or were they already lying there? LLOYD I hit 'em. Harry rubs his eyes and looks at the passing FLATLANDS. 62. HARRY Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this. LLOYD I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's some full of shit, huh? They both stare out the window. LLOYD (CONT'D) I must say, Des Moines sure is a pretty little town. HARRY Yeah, it really is. (beat) Wait a minute when did you visit Des Moines? LLOYD Last night. We drove through it. HARRY What are you talking about? You were snoring like a baby when we went through Des Moines. Lloyd shakes his head in amusement, then SNAPS HIS FINGERS in Harry's face. LLOYD (sing-song) Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rise and shine. (LAUGHS) You were the one who was asleep, numbskull. Here, take a sip of coffee. You're delirious. A confused Harry sips the coffee and checks out the passing terrain. Then something starts to awn on him. Slowly. HARRY Uh, Lloyd, refresh my memory: Doesn't the sun rise in the east and set in the west? LLOYD In our country it does, yes. 63. HARRY Then perchance you can explain to me why the sun is in our face at 7:30 in the morning when we're heading west. Lloyd thinks about this and then looks SICKENED. CUT TO: EXT. TRUCKSTOP - MORNING The Mutt Cutts van is parked next to a couple rigs and Harry is sitting beside it on the pavement, a BROKEN man. LLOYD I'm only human, Harry. Anybody can make a mistake. But Harry just sits there, practically catatonic. LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, man, pull yourself together. HARRY You know, I got half a mind to just jump on the bus to Europe and say goodbye to your ugly mug forever. LLOYD (rolls his eyes) You can't take a bus to Europe, dodo. HARRY Oh yeah? Why not? LLOYD You don't have a passport. Harry lets out a defeated SIGH. LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, stop being a baby about this. Okay, so we back-tracked a tad. HARRY A tad? Lloyd, you drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction. Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we on't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough to eat, we don't have enough to sleep! 64. LLOYD Well it doesn't do any good having you sitting there on your butt whining about it. If we're gonna get out of this hole, we're gonna have to dig ourselves out. Harry thinks about this. HARRY You know, you're absolutely right, Lloyd. He stands up, brushes off his pants, and starts to walk toward the highway. LLOYD Where you going? HARRY Home. I'm walking home. LLOYD You can't be serious. HARRY (sarcastic) Why not? We're probably only five miles away. Harry starts resolutely toward the road while Lloyd watches. LLOYD (CALLING OUT) Thanks a lot, Mr. Perfect. Like you never screwed up. Harry suddenly STOPS IN HIS TRACKS and turns back to his friend. He seems completely rained. HARRY Look, man... I'm sorry. (beat) I never should have let you talk me into this in the first place. You've got a good reason to goo a beautiful girl's waiting for you. But let's face it, Lloyd, there's nothing waiting for me in Aspen. (beat) There's nothing waiting for me anywhere. 65. Lloyd just stands there, SPEECHLESS, as Harry turns and walks away. Out of frustration, he BANGS the snout of the car, causing it to BARK. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Harry is walking down the highway, his thumb stuck out unenthusiastically. A few cars WHIZ by, the cold wind whipping at his clothes. A station wagon blows by and throws a BAG OF GARBAGE out the window. It lands at Harry's feet. EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HARRY'S FACE - a TEAR slowly rolls down his cheek (like the Indian in the commercial). PAN DOWN to the bag of garbage. We see it's a BAG OF ONIONS that's ripped open. Suddenly a HEARSE pulls up and stops. It's an ominous-looking vehicle and Harry hesitates. Then the passenger window rolls down, revealing a contrite Lloyd at the wheel. LLOYD Got room for one more, if you still want to go to Aspen. Harry looks the hearse over. HARRY Where'd you find this baby? LLOYD Used car dealer. I traded the van for it. Plus I got the guy to throw in fifty bucks for gas money. (beat) Come on, man, what do you say? We still partners? HARRY SMILES AND WE CUT TO: EXT. COLORADO STATE LINE - DAY An impatient Detective Dale is still staked-out at the Colorado border with several other officers. DT. DALE It doesn't make sense. They should've been here hours ago. COP Maybe they're smarter than we thought. 66. DT. DALE How smart can they be? They're riving a goddamn dog! Another COP rushes over holding his walkie-talkie. COP #2 We just got a report that they were spotted about two hours ago heading east near Des Moines on I-80. DT. DALE (incredulous) Des Moines?! Why that's five hundred miles from here! COP #1 Guess they got wind of our welcoming party. DT. DALE We're wasting time. Let's mobilize. Dt. Dale heads for his cruiser while the other Cops follow. As the officers climb into their cars, we CUT TO: INT. HEARSE - DAY Lloyd is driving and Harry has his feet out the window. LLOYD Tell me something, Harry. Would you really have kept going home if I hadn't come back to get you? HARRY Well let me put it this way, Lloyd: Do you remember when we were Cub Scouts and we got lost in the woods uring that blizzard? We huddled together all night, and we made an oath that if we ever got out of there alive we'd never ever leave each other's side again. Do you remember that? Lloyd thinks hard about this. LLOYD We were never Cub Scouts. 67. HARRY Exactly. Just then several COP CARS whiz by them in the opposite direction with SIRENS BLARING and LIGHTS FLASHING. When Harry glances back at the cop cars, he notices that there's a COFFIN in the rear of the vehicle. HARRY (CONT'D) What the hell is this? There's a coffin in the back! LLOYD Relax, it's empty. HARRY I don't give a shit. I'm not driving anywhere with a casket. You know I'm superstitious calm down. We'll dump it off first chance we get. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Harry and Lloyd are swerving through traffic in the hearse. Ahead of them is a REAL FUNERAL PROCESSION. The lead car is a CADILLAC. INT. CADILLAC (LEAD CAR) - DAY (This is the car right behind the funeral hearse.) A MAN and a WOMAN are arguing. WOMAN I married a cheapskate. MAN Shut your trap, Gerdie. WOMAN I'm so embarrassed. I'll never be able to show my face again. MAN I knew something good would come out of this. WOMAN We could have given him a more ignified burial. 68. MAN Your uncle was a cheap man. Remember what he got us for our twenty-fifth? A friggin' fern. There's no way I'm gonna spend a load to get him planted. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY While the couple ARGUES ON, Harry and Lloyd cut in front of them. The Man and the Woman on't notice this an soon the ENTIRE FUNERAL PROCESSION IS UNWITTINGLY FOLLOWING THE WRONG HEARSE. CUT TO: EXT. PIGGLY WIGGLY SUPERMARKET - DAY Harry and Lloyd pull up to a large green dumpster behind the market. The procession comes to a halt behind them. The guys get out of the hearse and remove the coffin from the back. Then they unceremoniously HEAVE THE COFFIN INTO THE DUMPSTER AND WIPE THEIR HANDS OFF. ON THE LEAD CAR OF THE PROCESSION - The Woman's jaw is practically on the floor. WOMAN You son-of-a-bitch! I want a ivorce! CUT TO: QUICK MONTAGE OF THE HEARSE WEAVING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE SCENIC ROCKIES AS WE REPRISE 'MARY'S PRAYER' BY DANNY WILSON. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY The hearse drives past a sign that says ENTERING ASPEN, COLORADO. CUT TO: EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - DAY The boys stroll down the sidewalk, looking in the windows, studying the passersby, taking in the sights and sounds of the ski town. 69. LLOYD Isn't this wonderful? What more could a couple of single guys like us ask for? HARRY How about food and shelter? LLOYD You're so materialistic. (beat) Why don't we get down to business and eliver the briefcase to Mary. Who knows, maybe she'll invite us in for tea and a strumpet or two? HARRY Jolly good idea, chap. And where oes the lovely young lady reside? LLOYD Um... good question. Harry throws Lloyd a concerned look, but then notices a phone booth next to them. HARRY Well what's her last name? We'll look it up in the phone book. LLOYD Hmmmm... You know, I don't believe I caught that either. Harry's concern grows. HARRY What about the briefcase, Lloyd? There must've been a name on it, right? LLOYD (brightening) Come to think of it, there is. It's engraved right into the leather. HARRY What is it? LLOYD Samsonite spelled just like it sounds. 70. Harry starts flipping through the phone book. Then abruptly HE STOPS and puts the book down, a DEFEATED look on his face. CUT TO: INT. HEARSE - NIGHT The car is parked in a parking lot across the street from a picturesque bridge. Harry and Lloyd are shivering in the front seat as a LOUD, ICY WIND WHIPS though the hearse. They're each spooning something out of a coffee cup and sipping it. HARRY Any soup left? LLOYD A little. Shall we share it? HARRY Please. Lloyd opens a TINY KETCHUP PACKET and squirts half of it into Harry's cup and the other half into his. They pour a few drops of water in and mix it with their spoons. LLOYD Mmmm mmmm good... Lloyd smiles bravely at Harry. Harry notices something and leans toward him. HARRY Hey, you got something stuck in your front teeth. Lloyd picks a small speck out of his mouth and studies it. LLOYD Hmmm... looks like an old piece of Beef Jerky. HARRY STARES AT IT. THEN: HARRY Wanna split it? LLOYD You're pathetic. Get your own. Loyd puts the floss-meat back in his mouth and chews it. Another gust of wind swirls around them. 71. HARRY I'm freezing my ass off, Lloyd. LLOYD Roll up your window. HARRY It is rolled up. LLOYD Then I guess the damn anti-cold system isn't working. You really should get it fixed if we're gonna live here all winter. HARRY What anti-cold system? Lloyd points to the dash. LLOYD Right here the A/C button. I put it on full blast about an hour ago and, if anything, the car's getting colder. Harry stares at Lloyd and then throws down his cup, disgusted. He opens the car door and starts to climb out. LLOYD (CONT'D) What are you going out there for? HARRY To warm up. EXT. HEARSE - NIGHT Harry gets out and leans against the car with his arms crossed. Lloyd comes from around the other side. LLOYD What are you worrying about now? HARRY I'm worried about how you're gonna survive the pummeling I'm about to give you. LLOYD Huh? Suddenly Harry LUNGES at Lloyd, who takes off around the other side of the car. Harry leaps across the hood, but Lloyd manages to evade his grasp. 72. LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, calm down! You're acting like a wild animal! HARRY Get over here and take your medicine, Lloyd! LLOYD Sorry, doc, I can't take medicine. I'm a Christian Scientist! Lloyd continues to outrun him around the car. Frustrated, Harry opens the car and PULLS THE BRIEFCASE OUT. LLOYD (CONT'D) What are you doing? HARRY Something I should've done a long time ago. This stupid thing has been the root of our problems all along. Harry starts walking toward the bridge spanning a river. LLOYD Don't do anything foolish, Harry. HARRY Foolish? This is the most sensible thing I've done in years. I'm gonna toss this goddamn curse right into that river. Lloyd starts to follow after Harry. LLOYD You're making a big mistake, Harry! I'll never forgive you for this! Harry keeps marching toward the bridge, determined to dispose of the briefcase. LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, hold up! Things are gonna get better, I promise! In fact, I think I feel another piece of Beef Jerky in my left molar! It's yours, Harry, all yours! Harry stops in his tracks, intrigued. 73. HARRY You're bluffing. LLOYD No I'm not, man look. Lloyd pulls his cheek back, revealing a molar. Harry squints at it. HARRY That's a filling, you liar! Just then, Lloyd makes a dash at Harry. Harry turns and runs, but Lloyd TACKLES HIM as they reach the bridge. The briefcase GOES FLYING, and the guys wrestle pitifully with one another in the snow, rolling over and over. Finally, Harry manages to get the upper hand. He climbs on top and CLASPS HIS HANDS AROUND LLOYD'S THROAT. HARRY (CONT'D) I used to have a life! A miserable one, but a life, nonetheless! Suddenly Lloyd's EYES LIGHT UP as he sees something O.S. behind his friend. LLOYD (CHOKED VOICE) Harry, look! Harry turns and HIS EYES LIGHT UP, TOO. He lets go of Lloyd as we see THEIR POV - THE BRIEFCASE IS LYING BUSTED OPEN ON THE GROUND, REVEALING STACKS AND STACKS OF BIG, BEAUTIFUL HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS! CUT TO: EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - NIGHT Harry and Lloyd are hurrying down the sidewalk, clutching the briefcase. The city is lit up with millions of tiny lights, like a fantasy winter wonderland. LLOYD Okay, here's the plan: We borrow a few bucks just a small loan from the briefcase, and we check into a cheap motel. 74. HARRY Sounds good. LLOYD And we'll keep track of the money we spend with IOUs. HARRY We'll be meticulous right down to the last penny. LLOYD That way, whatever we borrow we can pay back. HARRY Absolutely. We're good for it. LLOYD You know, as soon as we get jobs. HARRY It'll come right out of our first paycheck. CUT TO: INT. ELEGANT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT A tuxedoed Bell Captain, BARNARD, is showing the guys around an ENORMOUS AND LUXURIOUS SUITE. The place is big enough to throw a touchdown bomb in. BARNARD ...This is the Hotel Danbury's Presidential Suite, gentlemen. It's normally reserved for royalty, visiting dignitaries, and illustrious stars of stage and take it. The Bell Captain is a bit taken aback, but pleased. BARNARD (CONT'D) Very good, sir. Are there any bags you'd like sent up? LLOYD Thanks, Barnard, but we'll find our own chicks. BARNARD (peevish) I wasn't talking about ladies. 75. HARRY Oh. Then go ahead and send thim up. What are their names? Barnard SIGHS. BARNARD Sir, I meant your luggage. Harry forces a. embarrassed half-smile. LLOYD Tell you what you can send up, my friend how about some chow? The Bell Captain nods. BARNARD I'll bring you a menu. LLOYD Don't bother. Just order us one of everything. At this, Harry serves Lloyd a reproachful look. HARRY One of everything? Lloyd... Lloyd looks guilty. LLOYD Oh, sorry. (beat) Make that two of everything. Harry smiles at this as Lloyd pulls a wad of HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS out of his pocket. He rips one off and tucks it in Barnard's top pocket. LLOYD (CONT'D) And here you go, Barney. You keep us happy, we'll keep you happy. The Bell Captain, Barnard, is energized by this tip. BARNARD Yes, sir! He bows and leaves the room. Then Lloyd cracks open the briefcase and inserts a SMALL PIECE OF PAPER. 76. LLOYD (proudly) Our first IOU. Signed and dated. CUT TO: EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT Helen Swanson is KNOCKING on her step-daughter's bedroom door. She's holding a tray with a couple of mugs on it. HELEN Mary? You awake? MARY (o.s.) COME IN... INT. MARY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Mary is sitting in a chair looking sadly out the French windows when Helen ENTERS. HELEN I brought you some tea. I thought it might help you relax. Mary smiles. MARY Thank you. She takes a mug, sips, and pulls back. MARY (CONT'D) Yech! What's in this, whiskey? HELEN Uh, sorry... that one's mine. Helen grabs the mug from Mary and hands her the other one. HELEN (CONT'D) Feeling any better, honey? Mary can't take her eyes from the window. MARY Just knowing that Melvin's out there, being held by God knows who... (fighting back tears) It's all my fault. I should've been there. 77. HELEN Bullshit. You can't blame yourself for this. If you'd been there they would've taken you, too. Helen pulls out a joint and torches it up. She takes a hit. MARY Maybe we should just pay them the money again and get this thing over with. HELEN Now Mary, everything that can be done is being done. You've got to stop torturing yourself. MARY What am I supposed to do? Go about my life as if everything were fine? HELEN That's exactly what you should do. Get the hell out more, go skiing, socialize. Don't you see, honey? We can't let on that anything is wrong. If the press or authorities get wind of this, the kidnappers might panic. (beat) Who knows what they'd do to poor Melvin then? AS MARY THINKS ABOUT THIS, WE CUT TO: EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY The Guys pull up to the front of the hotel in the hearse. Several HOTEL EMPLOYEES rush to help them. Harry and Lloyd get out wearing OVERLY TRENDY SKI GARB, complete with fur boots, NASA designed goggles, and splashy fluorescent colors everywhere. The Employees all grab the shopping bags and then line up as Lloyd TIPS THEM ALL handsomely. INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT The huge beds are covered in boxes and bags of new goodies. Lloyd is going through it all. Harry is sitting out on the balcony with his feet up on the railing, checking out the mountain view. 78. HARRY Oh god, it's really true. Last night I thought I might've been dreaming. LLOYD It's no dream, Har. We finally cracked the big time. HARRY And it was so simple. All it took was somebody else's money. Harry LIGHTS A CIGAR WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL, takes a hearty puff, and EXHALES. HARRY (CONT'D) You know, Lloyd, I think you might've gone a little overboard with the spending today. He blows out the twenty and tosses it off the balcony. LLOYD What's the big deal? We're gonna pay it all back anyway, right? HARRY Sure, but do you really think you needed to buy those two surfboards? LLOYD Surfboards? I thought those were beginner's skis. This suddenly makes sense to Harry. HARRY Ahhh. I was wondering why you had those bindings put on them. Lloyd opens a box and holds up a SCANTY NEGLIGEE. LLOYD Where'd this come from? HARRY (sheepishly) I bought it. LLOYD What for? 79. HARRY I like the feel of it against my skin... (defensive) ...I mean, you know, when a woman's wearing it. Lloyd inspects it more closely. LLOYD Harry, how many women do you know who wear a size XXL? HARRY Look, leave me alone. I'm rich now. I'm supposed to have a few eccentricities. There's a KNOCK on the door. LLOYD Enter, parlez vous! The Bell Captain, Barnard, ENTERS with a champagne bucket and a newspaper under his arm. BARNARD I brought you your newspaper and some champagne, gentlemen. Unfortunately, we didn't seem to have the, um, label you requested. Lloyd examines the champagne's label and frowns. LLOYD All out of Boone's Farm, huh? BARNARD You have a rapier wit, sir. I took the liberty of bringing a comparable substitute: Dom Perignon. LLOYD Guess it'll have to do, slugger, eh? Lloyd smiles and over tips him. BARNARD Thank you so much, sir. He puts the tray down, hands Lloyd the newspaper, and heads for the door. 80. LLOYD Oh, one more thing: You can dispense with the 'sir' crap. Let's face it, Barney, we're all from the same mold. (winks) We just have a little more dough than you right now. Barnard smiles and EXITS. Harry comes back in the room. He picks up a champagne glass and flicks it with his finger, sending out a resonant RING. HARRY Cocktail hour has commenced! He starts to open the champagne bottle as Lloyd begins thumbing through the newspaper. HARRY (CONT'D) Hey, later on what do you say we...? He notices that Lloyd's mouth has dropped open at something he's found in the paper. HARRY (CONT'D) Lloyd... you okay? LLOYD (dumbstruck) Harry, it's her. HARRY Who? LLOYD Mary with the briefcase. This is her... He shoves the newspaper at Harry. CLOSE ON THE HEADLINE - it reads: SWANSONS TO HOST PRESERVATION GALA TONIGHT; CITY'S ELITE EXPECTED. Underneath this is a photograph of Mary with her parents. LLOYD (CONT'D) Mary Swanson... HARRY Come on, Cinderella, it's time to get you ready for the ball... Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" plays over a... MONTAGE OF HARRY AND LLOYD'S GLAMOUR MAKE-OVER: 81. -The boys are in a beauty parlor getting their hair shampooed. -Harry and Lloyd sit beneath old-fashioned hair dryers. The ATTENDANTS lift the dryers from their heads, revealing both guys' hair in curlers. -Lloyd's getting shaved by an ATTENDANT with a straight-razor. Suddenly Lloyd grabs his neck as if he's been nicked. BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT from between his fingers. The other CUSTOMERS stare in horror at this. Lloyd LAUGHS and shows everyone a SQUEEZE KETCHUP BOTTLE hidden in his hand. Only Harry and Lloyd seem to find this joke amusing. -We see them getting their nose hairs clipped. PAN DOWN to the floor to reveal a PILE OF NOSE HAIR CLIPPINGS. -Then a shot of a MAN next to them getting a pedicure. PAN OVER to Lloyd's bare feet he has toe nails like Howard Hughes. Sparks are flying as an ATTENDANT wearing safety goggles tries to sand down Lloyd's toenails with an electric sander. -Harry is lying on his stomach with his shirt off, getting a massage from a beautiful ORIENTAL MASSEUSE. He pulls a hundred dollar bill from under his towel, hands it to her, and WHISPERS in her ear. She smiles. -Next we see the Oriental Masseuse lying on her stomach with her shirt off, while Harry happily massages her back. -The guys are in an expensive haberdashery. Harry comes out of the dressing room in a very elegant BLACK TUXEDO. He couldn't look any more suave. The SALEMAN nods, impressed, but Lloyd shakes his head no and Harry goes back in. -Harry reappears in another stylish WHITE TUXEDO. The Salesman looks on hopefully, but Lloyd again disapproves. -This time Harry comes out in a JUNIOR-PROM-LIKE SKY-BLUE TUXEDO, complete with TACKY FRILLS. The Salesman looks sickened as Lloyd give Harry the thumbs up. PAN ACROSS THE STREET from the haberdashery - an apprehensive J.P. Shay is sitting in a parked car, WATCHING HARRY AND LLOYD. DISSOLVE TO: 82. EXT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - NIGHT Throngs of GUESTS in black-tie and elegant gowns are entering the building. Suddenly the hearse pulls up with Harry and Lloyd BUMPER SURFING BEHIND IT. Harry's wearing his blue tuxedo. Lloyd's tux isn't any better it's pumpkin orange. (THEY'VE GOT MATCHING TOP HATS AND CANES.) When the hearse stops, the boys hand the driver Barnard a couple hundred dollars. LLOYD Thanks for the lift, Barney. INT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY Nicholas Andre is greeting people at the door. However, when Harry and Lloyd try to enter, he stops them and gives them the once over. ANDRE Excuse me, gentlemen, but this is a five-hundred-dollar-a-plate dinner. Harry and Lloyd look at each other and shrug. Then Lloyd takes out a WAD OF BILLS and peels off TEN HUNDREDS, much to the amazement of Andre. LLOYD This should cover a couple plates. HARRY I'm kind of hungry, Lloyd. What if we want seconds? Lloyd thinks about this. Then he peels off another thou. LLOYD Put us down for four plates, my good man. They ENTER the party. As Andre watches them go, his associate J.P. Shay comes up beside him, an alarmed look on his face. J.P. SHAY (WHISPERING) Jesus Christ, boss... it's them. BACK ON HARRY AND LLOYD - the guys make their way through the affluent crowd. LLOYD I'm getting nervous, Harry. 83. HARRY relax, Lloyd. These people are just like you and me. LLOYD What are you talking about? They're educated, well-bred, charming, and sophisticated. HARRY So what? We can be sophistica holy shit, would you look at the fun bags on that hose hound. He points out a busty BLONDE BOMBSHELL entering the party. Lloyd rolls his eyes. LLOYD Don't do this to me, Harry. I'm already a wreck. What if Mary oesn't like me? HARRY Look, let's just go saddle up to the bar and down a couple bowls of loudmouth soup. A little booze'll bring back that old Lloyd Christmas over-confidence. The guys stand out at the glittering social scene as they make their way to the bar. LLOYD (to BARTENDER) Two martinis, straight up. As Harry and Lloyd silently take in the party, a BEAUTIFUL RED HEAD reaches between them for a cocktail napkin, then walks away. LLOYD (CONT'D) Shut up, Harry. HARRY I didn't say anything. LLOYD Yeah, well I know what you were gonna say and I'm telling you to shut up in advance. HARRY How do you know what I was gonna say? 84. LLOYD I read you like a book. HARRY Okay, if you read me like a book then what was I gonna say? LLOYD You were gonna say: (in Harry's looped VOICE) 'That's one fiery bush I wouldn't mind roasting my weenie in.' Harry raises his eyebrows, IMPRESSED. LLOYD (CONT'D) And I would say 'shut up', because this is our chance to get in with the rich and powerful and you don't ingratiate yourself to the kind of people by acting like Ron Jeremy on Spanish Fly. The Bartender delivers their martinis as we hear the o.s. CLINKING of a glass. The guys turns to see Nicholas Andre standing at a podium. Next to him is a LARGE, COVERED DISPLAY. On his other side are Karl and Elizabeth Swanson. ANDRE If I could have your attention, please... The crowd QUIETS. ANDRE (CONT'D) I'd like to thank you all for coming to this very special event. As you KNOW, THE ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - founded and chiefly funded by our great benefactors, Karl and Helen Swanson - is the world's foremost efender of endangered species. Our SPRAWLING GROUNDS ARE HOME TO TWENTY- three separate varieties of animals that are currently listed on the United Nation's charter of protected species. Tonight, we are deeply honored to have Mr. Karl Swanson welcome our twenty-fourth. 85. The crowd CLAPS as Mr. Swanson takes Andre's place at the podium. MR. SWANSON Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Icelandic Snow Owl. He pulls the cover off, revealing TWO MAJESTIC, FLUFFY WHITE OWLS IN A CAGE. Everyone OOHS and AHHS. MR. SWANSON (CONT'D) These magnificent specimens were RESCUED RECENTLY, CULMINATING A FIVE- year, two-million-dollar effort on our part. Together, they constitute one-seventh of the snow owl population left on the planet. ON ANDRE - he's nervously eyeing Harry and Lloyd. He looks pale. MR. SWANSON Here these lovely birds will be allowed to breed in a natural but protected habitat. And, God willing, with your help and that of the Society's, we will see these wonderful creatures flourish once more. More APPLAUSE. MR. SWANSON (CONT'D) Again, thank you, and enjoy your evening. Oh, and feel free to take a closer look at our new friends here. Enjoy. The crowd APPLAUDS and begins to mingle again. Lloyd turns back to the Bartender and holds up his empty glass. LLOYD Two more, please. Harry stares at Lloyd with concern. HARRY Lloyd, I've never seen you this uptight. You've gotta chill out. LLOYD I can't help it. This is a very important night for me. (MORE) 86. LLOYD (CONT'D) (beat) Harry, have you ever wondered why you and I never have long-term girlfriends? HARRY What are you talking about? I went out with Fraida Felcher for two and a half weeks. LLOYD That was a fluke. (beat) The reason we never have long-term girlfriends is because of one thing: We're afraid of the C word. HARRY That's crazy. We live for the C word. LLOYD I'm talking bout commitment. HARRY (beat) Oh. LLOYD Well I'm ready for commitment, Harry. The first time I laid eyes on Mary Swanson, I knew she was the one. (beat) Some things you feel in your heart, other things you feel in your groin. This girl makes me feel it all in the heart. Suddenly Lloyd notices something across the room. HIS POV - A BEGUILING MARY SWANSON IS TALKING WITH A COUPLE OF GUESTS. SHE'S WEARING A spectacular black cocktail dress. Lloyd quickly turns toward the bar. LLOYD (CONT'D) Oh shit, there she is. 87. HARRY (checking her out) Wow. You weren't kidding, Lloyd. She's an angel. (beat) Well, what are you waiting for? Get over there and talk to her. LLOYD She's gonna think I'm some kind of psycho when she realizes how far I came just to see her. HARRY You have her briefcase she's gonna be thrilled to see you. LLOYD And then what? She'll take it back and that'll be it. I'm a nobody. Harry thinks about this a moment. HARRY Look, man, you just drove two thousand miles to see this girl. Don't quit on the last fifty feet. LLOYD (brightening) Wait a second, I have an idea. You go over and introduce yourself. That way you can build me up so when I come along I won't have to brag about myself. Tell her I'm good-looking and I'm rich and I have a rapist's wit. HARRY I can't tell her you're good looking, Lloyd she's got eyes. Lloyd takes a big gulp of his new martini. LLOYD Please Harry, I'm appealing to you as one loser to another. Just build me up and then give me a signal to come over. Please. Harry SIGHS. 88. HARRY All right. But you're gonna owe me a big one for this. Harry straightens his polka-dot bow-tie, then APPROACHES Mary, who is now standing alone, admiring the owls. HARRY (CONT'D) Nice set of hooters you got there. Mary turns to Harry, stunned. MARY I beg your pardon? HARRY The owls. They're beautiful. MARY Oh. Yeah. (beat) Are you a bird lover? HARRY Well, I used to have a parakeet, but my main area of expertise is canines that's dogs to the layperson. She smiles at this. MARY Thanks. I love dogs, too. So how are you involved with them? HARRY Oh, I've trained them, bathed them, clipped them; I've even bred them. MARY Really? Any unusual breeding? HARRY Nah, mostly just doggie-style. But one time we successfully mated a Bulldog and a Shitzu. MARY Really? That's weird. HARRY Yeah. We called it a Bullshit. (breaks out LAUGHING) Just a little breeder joke. 89. She seems strangely charmed by this. HARRY (CONT'D) Anyway, the real reason I came over is because I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. Just then, Mary's stepmother approaches. She's holding a martini and looking a little sloshed. HELEN Mary, I don't believe I've met your friend. MARY Actually, we haven't been introduced yet. (holds out hand) I'm Mary Swanson, and this is my stepmother, Helen. HARRY Harry Dunne. Pleasure meeting you both. HELEN I saw you come in earlier, Mr. Dunne. I was hoping we'd get a chance to meet. HARRY (taken aback) You were? HELEN That tuxedo I love a man with a sense of humor. So does Mary. Mary shoots Helen a look, then smiles at Harry. HARRY Really? For a moment, he's caught up in Mary's eyes, but then manages to snap out of it. HARRY (CONT'D) Anyway, about my friend you doing anything tomorrow, Mr. Dunne? Because I believe Mary's looking for somebody to hit the slopes with. Whuh? MARY Helen, you're embarrassing me. 90. HELEN Well you are, aren't you? (to Harry) Poor girl doesn't get out enough. So what do you say, Harry? Are you available? Harry thinks about this, then looks across the room at a hopeful Lloyd. HARRY Oh, I don't know. You see, my friend your friends for one day. You and Mary will have a ball. Mary's captivating eyes meet his, waiting for an answer. HARRY (CONT'D) Um... well... I don't know. You see, the thing is... sure. ON LLOYD - he waits impatiently at the bar as Harry returns. LLOYD How come you didn't call me over? HARRY Relax, you're golden. I got you a ate with her tomorrow. Lloyd falls back against the bar and grabs his chest. He's SPEECHLESS. LLOYD Wha... you... I... it's... (smiles) I love you, man. I love you! Lloyd clamps an embarrassed Harry in a TIGHT EMBRACE. HARRY Okay, get a grip, Lloyd. You're making a scene. Lloyd steps back elated. LLOYD This calls for a toast! He grabs a bottle of champagne out of a bucket and starts to open it. 91. LLOYD (CONT'D) You're gonna be my best man, Har, I mean it. It was always between you and my future wife's brother, but you just earned a seat at the head table, pal. Suddenly the CORK SHOOTS OUT OF THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND ZIPS ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE A BULLET DIRECTLY TOWARD ONE OF THE NOW EVEN WIDER- EYED OWLS. In quick succession we hear a BOK!, a SQUAWK!, and a THUMP! A HUSH falls over the entire party as everyone turns their stunned attention to the cage. THEIR POV - FEATHERS ARE FLOATING IN THE AIR THROUGHOUT THE CAGE, AND ONE OF THE ICELANDIC SNOW Owls LIES ON ITS BACK, its species now one bird closer to extinction. Harry and Lloyd look on in horror. Harry takes the smoking champagne bottle from Lloyd and places it on the bar. HARRY (under breath) I think we've done enough hobnobbing, Lloyd. The guys LOWER THEIR HEADS and slink out of the room before anyone can figure out what happened anyone except for Nicholas Andre, that is; we PAN to show that he's been standing nearby watching their every move. And he doesn't look very happy. CUT TO: INT. AASPEN APARTMENT - NIGHT Nicholas Andre is pacing the room with a drink in his hand while J.P. Shay looks on nervously. J.P. SHAY Maybe it was just a coincidence. ANDRE Don't be stupid. It's a message, plain and simple: We killed their bird, now they killed ours. 92. J.P. SHAY But how could anybody off a bird with a cork? ANDRE These guys arent' just anybody. They're good. Look what they did to Mental. He was the best, and yet he fell right into their web. J.P. SHAY But the bastards already got our money. What the hell more could they want? Andre runs his fingers through his hair. ANDRE (at wit's end) I don't know, god damn it! CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - THE NEXT MORNING A jubilant Lloyd is fixing his hair in the mirror. In the b.g., Harry is putting on his new ski clothes including a pair of thermal tights. LLOYD Mrs. Christmas... Mary Christmas... Mrs. Mary Christmas. You know, it has kind of a ring to it, oesn't it, Har? HARRY Sounds nice, Lloyd, but don't you think you may be jumping the gun a little? I mean, who knows, when you get to know her, you may find out she's not your type. LLOYD Impossible. I know my type when I see it. Now let me get this straight, she wants me to meet her at the Avalanche Bar and Grill on Main Street? HARRY That's what she said. Ten o'clock sharp. This is when Lloyd notices Harry's get-up. 93. LLOYD Time out. Where are going ressed like that. HARRY I, uh, thought while you were making your love connection I'd try my luck on the slopes. LLOYD You mean you're gonna go out in public dressed in tights? HARRY These aren't tights. They're fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers. LLOYD But you can see the outline of your who-who. Harry looks down at his crotch. HARRY Really? LLOYD Turn sideways. Harry turns his profile against the window. LLOYD (CONT'D) Actually, it's just a tiny little lump. No one will ever notice. HARRY You're right. I can't go out dressed like this. CUT TO: EXT. ASPEN BASE LODGE - DAY ESTABLISHING SHOT of the building. INT. ASPEN BASE LODGE People are putting their boots on and their skis are lined up on the wall behind them. Mary is waiting by the fireplace in an incredibly sexy snowsuit. 94. Suddenly Harry appears in the room, dressed ridiculously. As he begins to clumsily make his way through the lodge toward Mary, we see that he ALREADY HAS HIS SKIS ON. He kicks over a row of skis and gets glares from all sides. Finally he reaches her, OUT OF BREATH. HARRY Sorry I'm late. It's a bitch driving a clutch with these things. EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY Harry and Mary are at the front of the lift line. The couple ahead of them get on a chair, and then they shuffle into position. Harry crouches nervously, waiting for the chair. The chair swings around, comes up behind them, and makes a smooth pick up of Mary, that is. An embarrassed Harry is STILL IN THE CROUCHING POSITION, having missed the ride. Mary looks back at him, confused. Suddenly he pretends to be stretching. HARRY (CALLING OUT) You take the first run alone. I'm gonna loosen up down here. CUT TO: INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - DAY Lloyd ENTERS the bar as the WAITERS are setting up for the day. WAITER I'm sorry, we don't open until eleven. This is disconcerting news to Lloyd. LLOYD I'm meeting someone. Mind if I wait at the bar? The Waiter shrugs and Lloyd sits down at the empty bar. CUT TO: EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY Harry and Mary are now sitting together on a chair as it rises higher and higher toward the imposing mountain top. Harry holds onto the chair's frame nervously. MARY Beautiful day, huh, Harry? 95. HARRY Glorious. Mary takes a DEEP BREATH. MARY God, it feels so good to get up here. I haven't been outdoors much in the last couple of weeks. HARRY Why not? MARY (evasive) There's been... family problems. I on't want to bore you with them. HARRY Thanks. He looks mindlessly off in the distance. Then Harry notices a PATCH OF FROST on the chair lift bar. HARRY (CONT'D) Oh, look... frost. He licks it and his TONGUE IMMEDIATELY FUSES WITH THE FROZEN METAL. He tugs a few times, but it won't budge. MARY Are you okay? HARRY (lisping) Sure. I do this all the time... CUT TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - DAY As Mary and Harry arrive at the top of the lift, Mary disembarks but Harry stays on. HARRY (lisping) See ya at the bottom... Harry and the chair lift swing around and start heading down the hill. CUT TO: 96. EXT. BOTTOM OF MOUNTAIN - DAY The chair lift comes back around with Harry still sitting on it, stuck to the bar. Two LITTLE KIDS climb on with him. HARRY (lisping) Hi. (off their looks) Say, kids, you wouldn't happen to have a cup of warm water, would you? The two kids just stare at him. CUT TO: INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON A despondent Lloyd's got a couple of empties in front of him now. The bar is open and there are a few CUSTOMERS sprinkled about. Lloyd takes a sip of his drink and looks up at the clock on the wall. It's 12:30. We see a pair of beautiful legs slide onto the stool next to him. PAN OVER to reveal that it's the Athletic Beauty that Harry had tried to pick up at the truck stop. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Hi. Lloyd GRUNTS a hello. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Bad day, huh? Lloyd GRUNTS once more. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) (big smile) well don't worry, Mercury's supposed to be coming out or retrograde tonight. Things will get better. AS LLOYD GRUNTS AGAIN, WE CUT TO: EXT. BASE LODGE - AFTERNOON Mary gracefully carves her way to the bottom of the hill and stops with a snow-spraying flourish. She looks around the outdoor patio for Harry. She spots something and does a DOUBLE- TAKE. 97. MARY'S POV - HARRY IS SITTING AT A TABLE, STILL ATTACHED TO THE CHAIR LIFT (WHICH has been removed from the cable). He's drinking a cup of coffee and trying to act nonchalant, espite the gawking of the other SKIERS. There's a MIME performing in the b.g. BACK TO SCENE MARY My god. Harry, are you okay? HARRY (lisping) I'm fine, I'm fine. It'll come off. CUT TO: CLOSE UP of Harry's head through a RIFLE SCOPE. REVERSE ANGLE to reveal J.P. Shay a few hundred feet up the hill with a high-powered rifle trained on Harry. SHAY You're luck just ran out, pal. As his trigger finger TWITCHES with anticipation, we go BACK TO SCENE MARY This is silly. Let me help you... Mary gets up and stands behind Harry. He MOANS nervously. She grabs his head in both hands and starts pulling it away from the bar. We see HARRY'S TONGUE STRETCH RIDICULOUSLY... FIVE INCHES... SIX... THEN EIGHT. Harry GROANS in pain. Suddenly, his TONGUE COMES UNDONE and Harry and Mary fall backwards out of the path of J.P. Shay's bullet as it WHIZZES BY. We hear the Mime in the b.g. CRY OUT in pain: MIME GODDAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK?! The poor Mime holds his bleeding hand and retreats nervously into the lodge as the CROWD BOOS him. CUT TO: INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON Lloyd's now swimming in despair, as the Athletic Beauty RAMBLES ON beside him. 98. ATHLETIC BEAUTY ...Anyway, after my boyfriend backed into my garage for the third time, I said to myself, 'Run, Cathy, run for your life before he kills you both'. Then you know what the klutz does and to be perfectly honest, I on't really care. (beat) Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not very good company today. I'll say. (beat) I have an idea. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself. LLOYD Maybe some other time. Lloyd motions for the BARTENDER. LLOYD (CONT'D) Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson, would you? BARTENDER Sure. Her family comes in here all the time. LLOYD Do you know where she lives? BARTENDER Yeah, they got that big place up on Alpine Drive. CUT TO: EXT. SWANSON CHALET - LATE AFTERNOON The hearse pulls up to the house and stops. INT. HEARSE MARY I've got to tell you, today was really just what I needed. Thanks a lot, Harry. HARRY My pleasure, Mary. She beams and gives him a KISS on the cheek. 99. MARY So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45? HARRY Better make it quarter to eight. I've got a few things to take care of first. Harry watches, lovestruck, as Mary gets out of the car and walks toward the house. HARRY (CONT'D) (to himself) Mary Dunne... Mrs. Mary Dunne... Got a nice ring to it. We PAN from the hearse to some nearby bushes, where we see a SHATTERED LLOYD WATCHING ALL THIS IN DISBELIEF. LLOYD Some best man. DISSOLVE TO: MONTAGE of Lloyd walking through the hills of Aspen, totally BUMMED OUT. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - EVENING Lloyd is sitting forlornly on the bed while Harry feigns surprise at what he's just heard. HARRY It doesn't make any sense, Lloyd. She told me ten o'clock sharp. Are you sure you went to the right bar? LLOYD Believe me, it was the right place. (SIGHS) I don't know, Har, maybe she just had second thoughts. HARRY I have a hard time believing that, Lloyd. The girl said she couldn't wait to see you again. Harry paces back and forth when suddenly SOMETHING OCCURES TO HIM. 100. HARRY (CONT'D) Wait a minute... LLOYD What? HARRY It just occurred to me. She must've meant ten o'clock at night. LLOYD (brightening) Do ya think...? HARRY Of course! Why would she have you meet her at a bar at ten in the morning? LLOYD (shrugging) I just figured she was a raging alcoholic. Harry BARKS OUT A LAUGH at their stupidity. HARRY Boy, aren't we a couple of beauties? LLOYD I knew there was an explanation. And here I thought she was standing me up. HARRY That'll teach you to jump to conclusions. (beat) Anyway, since you have your night all planned, I think I'll run out and catch a flick. As Harry walks into the closet to change, Lloyd clenches his fist and glares after him. Then he regains his composure and moves to the bar. LLOYD Will you join me in a good luck toast before you head out? 101. HARRY (o.s.) Sure thing, pal. Whatever you think will help your chances. Lloyd BITES HIS LIP at this. He fills two mugs with coffee and throws a splash of Bailey's in each. He check to make sure Harry is still in the closet, then pulls out a BOX OF EX-LAX. LLOYD DUMPS THE ENTIRE PACK INTO ONE MUG AND MIXES IT IN. WHEN HARRY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET DRESSED IN A NEW SUIT AND TIE, LLOYD DOES A DOUBLE- take. LLOYD Pretty snazzed out for a movie, aren't you? HARRY Uh... it's for mature audiences. I on't wanna chance getting turned away at the door. LLOYD I see. Lloyd hands him the mug with the Ex-Lax. Then he lifts his own glass. LLOYD (CONT'D) To my friend Harry the matchmaker. Harry feels a pang of guilt but drinks up anyway. HARRY Mmmmm... He GULPS DOWN THE DRINK. CUT TO: INT. HEARSE - NIGHT Harry's driving along, WHISTLING happily to himself in anticipation of the night. Suddenly we hear a LOW, INTESTINAL RUMBLE. He reacts and rubs his stomach. 102. EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT The hearse parks on the street and Harry gets out. He's walking up the steps to the house when we hear more GASEOUS THUNDER from his stomach. Harry stops in his tracks, gets his insides under control, and continues to the front porch, where he RINGS the bell. Mary answers the door, fiddling with her earrings. MARY Hi. Come on in. INT. SWANSON CHALET Harry follows her inside. MARY Make yourself at home. I'm almost ready. Just give me one more minute. As she disappears down a hallway, we hear Harry's UPSET STOMACH again. He notices a bathroom off the hallway and rushes inside. INT. BATHROOM HOLD ON Harry's face as he quickly pulls his pants down and nestles onto the throne. He lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF as he does his business, then leans over and SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW to air the room out. He's still glued to the toilet when he hears a KNOCK on the door. MARY (o.s.) Are you in there, Harry? HARRY (nervously) Be right out. MARY (o.s.) I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken. ZOOM IN TIGHT on Harry's face - his EYES GO WIDE and a visible SWEAT breaks out on his forehead. HARRY Huh? 103. MARY (o.s.) It doesn't flush. HARRY Um, no, I was just... shaving. EXT. HALLWAY A confused Mary is standing outside the bathroom door. MARY Shaving? HARRY (o.s.) Yeah! I was running a little late. Thought this would save time. MARY Okay. Well I'll be in the living room whenever you're ready. INT. BATHROOM Harry's got his pants back on and is lifting the lid off the toilet tank. He starts tinkering with a few valves. HARRY (under breath) Come on, flush, you bastard... EXT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT Mary's sitting patiently on the couch with her legs crossed. She looks at her watch, then flips on the TV. ON THE TUBE - the news is on. A WOMAN REPORTER is addressing the CAMERA gravely: REPORTER We'll be back in a minute with the story of the blind Indiana boy who was duped into buying a dead parakeet. We see Billy the blind boy from apartment 4-C sitting in his wheelchair, holding up Petey the parakeet with its head Scotch taped on its body. BLIND BOY ...I thought he was real quiet... 104. The Reporter shakes her head and they go to a commercial. Mary SHIVERS at this and turns off the television. Suddenly the DOORBELL RINGS. She gets up and opens the front door. HER POV - a dapper Lloyd is standing there in his new Aspen- chic clothes. MARY Yes...? LLOYD Hi. (beat) Don't you remember me? MARY Um... I'm not really... LLOYD South Bend. I drove you to the airport last week. MARY (dawning on her) Oh my god. Lloyd, right? Lloyd is thrilled at this. LLOYD You remembered. MARY What are you doing in Aspen? LLOYD I brought you your briefcase You left it at the airport so I picked it up for you. Mary's MOUTH DROPS OPEN. MARY You're the one who took my briefcase? LLOYD Yeah, it's back at my hotel room. Come on, let's take a ride. I'll give it to you. Mary is torn between getting her briefcase and waiting for Harry. MARY Wait right here. 105. She goes to the bathroom door. Inside we hear the LOUD CLANKING of metal against metal. MARY (CONT'D) Harry, what are you doing in there? INT. BATHROOM Harry's got the eintire toilet completely DISASSEMBLED now. Various pieces of the commode litter the floor, including the big plastic float ball. He's on his knees tinkering with some pipes coming out of the wall. HARRY Uh... just cleaning my teeth. Give me a minute, Mary, I'll be right with you. MARY (o.s.) Sorry, but something important's come up and I have to run out. It's sort of an emergency. I'll explain later. HARRY But Mary -- MARY (o.s.) --I'm really sorry, Harry. I promise we'll do this another time. Harry hears her FOOTSTEPS echo down the hallway and then the front DOOR CLOSING. Harry slumps against the sink, defeated. HARRY Great... CUT TO: INT. MARY'S JAGUAR - NIGHT Lloyd is in the passenger seat, wearing a subtle, SATISFIED SMILE. An anxious looking Mary is at the wheel. EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT The Jaguar pulls up in front of the hotel. As Lloyd and Mary get out, we PAN OVER to reveal that they were being followed by Nicholas Andre and J.P. Shay in a Mercedes. 106. INT. ANDRE'S MERCEDES Andre pulls a PISTOL from beneath his seat and slips it into his coat. ANDRE They're mine... INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE The door opens and Lloyd and Mary ENTER. LLOYD ..So anyway, as soon as I got to town I tried to look you up but I idn't know your last name. He leads her to the closed BRIEFCASE which is sitting on the bed. MARY I don't believe it. You really have it. LLOYD 'Course I have it. When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport, he makes sure she gets all her luggage, no matter what he has to o. Mary looks at Lloyd and smiles. MARY This is incredible. You mean to say you drove two thousand miles just for me? LLOYD Well... no... I mean, you know, there were other reasons... (beat) Actually, yeah, I guess I did. She can't believe her ears. MARY That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard. 107. He drops his head and Mary leans over and kisses him on the cheek. CUT TO: INT. HEARSE - NIGHT A sullen Harry is driving back to the hotel. HARRY (MUMBLING to himself) It's all Kharma, Harry. You screw your best friend over and it's gonna come back to haunt you, plain and simple... CUT TO: INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE CLOSE ON LLOYD'S FACE - he's starry-eyed in love as he spills his guts. LLOYD Look, Mary, I know this may seem a little sudden but I've given it a lot of thought: You're the woman I've been waiting for my whole life, and I'm not ashamed to admit it -- (holds up his hand) --Please, let me finish. (DEEP BREATH) I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anyone. You make it so easy for me to tell you my innermost desires. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Listen to me, I feel like a schoolboy again. (beat) A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you. Suddenly we hear TOILET FLUSHING O.S. REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS that Lloyd has been talking to an EMPTY CHAIR. The bathroom oor opens and Mary comes out. She looks around, expecting to see someone else. MARY Oh... I thought I heard you talking to someone. 108. Lloyd is flustered. He swallows hard. It's the moment of truth. LLOYD Mary... (BLURTING OUT) I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy. MARY (taken aback) Maybe I should be going now. LLOYD No, that's not what Imeant. I meant... I really like you, Mary. I like you a lot. She smiles at this. LLOYD (CONT'D) I'm gonna ask you something flat out and I want you to answer me honestly: What do you think the chances are of a girl like you and a guy like me ending up together? Mary is obviously thrown by this question. MARY Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean we hardly -- LLOYD --I asked you to be honest, Mary. MARY But Lloyd, I really can't -- LLOYD --Come on, give it to me straight. I rove a long way to see you, the least you can do is level with me. What are my chances? MARY Not good. BEAT LLOYD You mean not good, like one out of a hundred? 109. MARY I'd say more like one out of a million. BEAT LLOYD (Duh) So you're telling me there's a chance? Just then, there's a KNOCK at the door. When Lloyd opens it, he's face to face with Nicholas Andre. MARY Nicholas... what are you doing here? ANDRE I've been looking for you, Mary. I've got some interesting news about your husband. Lloyd looks at MAry, devastated. LLOYD Husband? ANDRE Aren't you two going to invite me in? Lloyd and Mary hear a CLICK and turn to see Andre POINTING A GUN at them. Andre steps into the room, and we CUT TO: INT. HOTEL DANBURY - LOBBY - NIGHT As Harry mopes through the lobby, we hear someone CALL OUT: WOMAN'S VOICE (o.s.) Hey! Harry turns to see the Athletic Beauty approaching. HARRY You...? What are you doing here? CUT TO: INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE Nicholas Andre has his gun pointed at a stunned Lloyd and Mary. 110. ANDRE Well at least you two got to say your goodbyes. LLOYD Who are you? ANDRE Don't play dumb with me, asshole. I'm the rightful ower of that briefcase you've been carrying. LLOYD Uh-oh. Mary can't believe what's happening. MARY Nicholas, you... you motherfucker! My family trusted you! ANDRE Shut up! LLOYD Uh, sir, about the briefcase, I want you to know, my friend Harry and I have every intention of reimbursing you. Andre looks alarmed. He motions Mary to the briefcase with his gun. ANDRE Open that damn thing! Mary opens the briefcase and a pile of WHITE, CRUMPLED-UP BALLS OF PAPER fall out along with a few packets of hundreds. ANDRE (CONT'D) What the hell's this? Where's all the money? LLOYD That's as good as money, sir. Those are our IOUs. You can add them up yourself. Every penny's accounted for. Andre looks like his head is about to BURST in anger. ANDRE You're fucking dead! 111. LLOYD Now don't do anything hasty, man. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL HALLWAY Harry gets out of the elevator and lets himself into the Presidential Suite. INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE Harry ENTERS looking contrite and CALLS OUT: HARRY Lloyd, are you home? We've gotta talk, man. I have a serious confession to make. Harry comes around the corner and STOPS COLD. HIS POV - Lloyd and Mary are lying on the bed, their arms handcuffed to the bedpost. HARRY (CONT'D) Oh good, you found her. I'll just leave you two kids alone. Harry turns to go, but bumps into the MUZZLE OF ANDRE'S GUN. ANDRE Why don't you stay and join the party? CUT TO: INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - A FEW MINUTES LATER Harry is sitting beside Lloyd and Mary on the bed. Nicholas Andre keeps his gun trained on them while he SPEAKS on the phone: ANDRE ..I want a one-way ticket to Rio De Janerio departing as soon as possible... ON THE BED - Harry and Lloyd can't look each other in the eye. MARY You mean you two know each other? 112. LLOYD (cutting) Yeah, we used to be best friends. HARRY Until he turned into a backstabber. LLOYD Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve. I saw her first. HARRY Hey, I couldn't help it if she found me irresistable. Mary ROLLS HER EYES at this. LLOYD But you knew how crazy I was about her. HARRY Yeah, and you knew how crazy I was about Fraida Felcher, but that didn't stop you, did it? LLOYD (waning righteousness) What are you talking about? HARRY Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sordid story. Lloyd can't muster a defense. LLOYD Look... I was gonna tell you about that. It was gonna be mentioned at the reading of my will. I swear, you can ask my lawyer. Harry glares at him. HARRY Well I guess we both learned a little something about each other, didn't we? LLOYD You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good friends as we thought we were. 113. HARRY Guess not. LLOYD I mean, if one beautiful girl could rip us apart like this, then it seems our friendship isn't worth a damn. (beat) Maybe we should call it quits right here. HARRY Just tell me where to sign, bud. Suddenly they hear the metallic CLICK-CLACK OF A GUN BEING COCKED. ANDRE Okay, which one of you losers wants to die first? The guys exchange a look and SWALLOW HARD. HARRY I wouldn't pull that trigger if I were you. ANDRE Why not? It'll look like just another Aspen love triangle. You caught the two of them in bed, handcuffed them to the post, murdered them, and killed yourself. HARRY (smug) Except you're forgetting one minor etail. ANDRE What's that? Lloyd and Mary look at Harry, hopeful. HARRY If you kill us, you'd be killing yourself. ANDRE (puzzled) Huh? 114. HARRY You see, philosophers believe that we're all really just tiny pieces of one huge universal being. In other words, I am you and you are me, so if you were to kill us you'd be committing suicide, you unenlightened idiot -- ANDRE --Shut up! Mary sees that they're in deep shit now. MARY What about my husband? Did you kill him, too? HARRY Husband? What husband? LLOYD Mary's married, Harry. ANDRE No need to worry about Melvin. (beat) Now this is the last time I'll ask: Who wants to die first? Harry gestures with his head at Mary. HARRY Kill her. The bitch should've told him she was married back at the airport. It would've saved us a lot of trouble. Andre points the gun at Mary. LLOYD No, I'll go first, Harry. I was the one who got you into this mess. Andre points the gun at Lloyd. HARRY No, wait, do me first. I'm the one who stole your girl, Lloyd. I eserve it. 115. Andre SIGHS and points the gun at Harry. Then, as Mary and Lloyd look on in horror, he FIRES TWICE. Harry grabs his stomach and falls off the bed to the floor. LLOYD Jesus Christ! You killed my best friend, you bastard! Andre smiles. ANDRE If it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited. He aims the gun at Lloyd, COCKS THE TRIGGER. Suddenly, a SHOT RINGS OUT and the gun is blown out of Andre's hand. ON THE FLOOR - Harry is very much alive and pointing a pistol at the stunned Nicholas Andre. LLOYD Harry! You're alive! Just them, the door BURSTS OPEN and SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS storm in with their weapons drawn. COP #1 Get your hands up, asshole! Lloyd and Harry throw their hands into the air. A stunned Andre turns to see six guns pointing at his head. He reluctantly raises his hands. Mary and Lloyd are flabbergasted by the turn of events. There's a sudden commotion in the room. Pushing her way through the mass of cops comes the Athletic Beauty. She flashes an ID. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Special Officer Kathryn Frick. Federal Bureau of Investigation. LLOYD (dumbstruck) You gotta be kidding. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Good work, Harry. Lloyd looks to his friend, confused. Harry opens his shirt, revealing a BULLET-PROOF VEST. 116. HARRY She grabbed me down in the lobby and explained what was up. They slapped this on me and gave me a gun. LLOYD (to Athletic Beauty) But how did you...? ATHLETIC BEAUTY We've been following you two all the way from Providence. Mr. and Mrs. Swanson had a homing device plated in the briefcase. The guys glance guiltily at one another. HARRY Yeah, about that dough... ATHLETIC BEAUTY Every bill was counterfeit and marked. Harry and Lloyd EXHALE A SIGH OF RELIEF. CUT TO: EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT There's a swarm of ONLOOKERS as Andre and J.P. Shay are hustled into a police car and driven away. While Mary TALKS to the police, Harry and Lloyd stare at her lovingly. LLOYD She's something, ain't she, Har? HARRY You were right, Lloyd. She was efinitely worth the trip. LLOYD Guess we have to admit it, she was too good for us. Just then, a cruiser pulls up and Mary's husband jumps out. MELVIN Oh god, baby, I missed you! Harry and Lloyd stare in wonder as MEL GIBSON climbs out of the car. Mary and Mel embrace, then Mel turns to the guys. 117. MELVIN (CONT'D) I can't thank you enough, fellas. It was so darn dank in that well, I really thought it would be the death of me. Harry and Lloyd are too stunned to respond. They look at each other, and we DISSOLVE TO: INT. LOBBY - HOTEL DANBURY - THE NEXT DAY Lloyd and Harry come out of the elevator with their meager luggage, but this time nobody rushes to their aid. EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY The guys EXIT the hotel and approach the Bell Captain, Barnard. HARRY Hey, Barney... BELL CAPTAIN Yes, gentlemen? LLOYD Look, we just wanted to say that we appreciate all you did for us during our stay. HARRY And we're, um, sorry about the money we gave you turning out to be phony. BELL CAPTAIN Don't worry about it, gentlemen. The Swanson family has promised to reimburse everyone. This seems to please Lloyd and Harry. The hearse is delivered to the front door. LLOYD Well, anyway, thanks again for everything. They turn to go, but Barnard CALLS TO THEM: BARNARD Where are you two headed? 118. HARRY I dunno. I'm sure we'll find a trailer camp somewhere to call home. BARNARD Why not right here? Harry and Lloyd look at each other, confused. LLOYD This joint is a little out of our budget, Barney. BARNARD (smiling) Oh, I think we might be able to find you a free room somewhere -- after all, like you once told me, we're all from the same mold. (winks) You just don't have any dough right now. The guys are STUNNED by Barnard's generous offer. HARRY Are you on the level? BARNARD Absolutely. We'll just slide you into one of the employee rooms... The guys beam at this. BARNARD (CONT'D) ...Provided, of course, you don't mind working one or two afternoons a week. Harry and Lloyd lock eyes. Then: LLOYD You know what, Barney, I think we'll take out chances down the road. Barnard shakes his head as the two fools climb into their hearse and drive off. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY As the hearse drives down the road, we hear V.O.: 119. HARRY (v.o.) Since we're finished elbow-rubbing, what next, lloyd? LLOYD (v.o.) I say we head due south and try a little nose-rubbing with some of them slinky eskimo babes. HARRY (v.o.) Now you're talking my language. You know I got a weakness for blondes. As they head toward their next adventure, the CAMERA PULLS UP, UP, UP... END CREDITS THE END
EASY "A" Written by Bert V. Royal FIRST DRAFT August 3, 2008 IN DARKNESS: OLIVE (V.O.) The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. FADE IN: INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY OLIVE PENDERGHAST (17), a cute teenager, speaks directly into the WEBCAM atop her computer. OLIVE Let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind, ample breast size and the occasional corny knock knock joke, do enter this video blog into evidence in the case against me. Because I'm being judged by a jury of my peers, I will attempt to insert `like' and `totally' into my confession as much as possible. So here it goes... I confess I'm, in no small part, to blame for the vociferous gossip that has turned my Varsity letter scarlet, but - for anyone hoping that the sizzling details of my sordid past will provide you with a reason to lock the door and make love to a dollop of your sister's moisturizing lotion - you'll be gravely disappointed. (Beat.) Look, I just need to set the record straight and what better way to do that, than to broadcast it on the Internet. So, here it is -- Part One: The Shudder-Inducing and Cliched, However Totally False Account Of How I Lost My Virginity To A Guy At A Community College In A Neighboring Town. (Beat.) Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story. This is my side, the right one. (Beat.) Like, totally. 2. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Olive sits with her best friend, RHIANNON ABERNATHY (17), a brash teenager. It would be safe to say that these girls are definitely on the "B List" at their school. RHIANNON Fuck off! George is not a `sexy' name. George is like what you name your teddy bear, not the name you wanna scream out during an orgasm. OLIVE That's bullshit. There are lots of sexy Georges. RHIANNON Name three. Olive starts to say something, but Rhiannon interrupts her. RHIANNON (CONT'D) Besides Clooney. Too easy. OLIVE Shouldn't that alone be enough? RHIANNON Fine. That's one. Number two? OLIVE (THINKING) Okay. George... Ummmm... Reeves! RHIANNON Who's that? OLIVE Superman. From way back. He was hot. RHIANNON No way. Teddy bear. OLIVE Bullshit. Ben Affleck played him in that movie! RHIANNON So what? Charlize Theron played that butt-fucking-ugly lesbo serial killer. Besides he's from another century. (MORE) 3. RHIANNON (CONT'D) We're speaking present day. I mean, Jesus, Mortimer was probably a sexy name in some era. OLIVE George Stephanopolous. RHIANNON What are you? Fifty? OLIVE (THINKING HARD) George... RHIANNON Bush? Yeah. He's one hot mutherfucker. Just face it. There's no such thing as a sexy George. OLIVE Well, mine is. So, I think we should just put this conversation to bed. RHIANNON Fine. Don't come. I hate you. Rhiannon folds her arms and pouts. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive continues to narrate into her webcam. OLIVE Let me back up. I don't know if any of you have ever met them, but Rhiannon's parents are quite possibly the creepiest people in a four county radius. INT. THE ABERNATHY LIVING ROOM MR. and MRS. ABERNATHY (50's) sit on their couch, smiling at the television, in their horrifically rustic home. MR. ABERNATHY bares a striking resemblance to ukelele player, Tiny Tim. (Although the man we're looking at has an even more frightening smile.) MRS. ABERNATHY has hair to her ankles and dresses like a Mormon. 4. OLIVE (V.O.) I've always felt sort of sorry for Rhiannon, but not enough to do what she was asking me to do. We float upwards to - INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Rhiannon is on the phone, agitated. RHIANNON (Into the phone) PLEASE. Please. I'm begging you. I'll pay you. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Olive is on the other end of the phone conversation. We INTERCUT between the two sides. OLIVE Rhi, I can't. I told you I have plans. RHIANNON You're lying. You're a lying bitch and I hate you so much right now. OLIVE (LYING) I'm not lying. I promise I'm not. I really would love to go camping with your family this weekend. I had fun with your family last year. EXT. WOODS - LAST YEAR - NIGHT Olive, uncomfortable, and Rhiannon, bored, sit around a campfire with the Abernathys. The couple stare at the fire with the same creepy smile plastered on their faces. There is an excruciatingly long and painful silence. MR. ABERNATHY Would you like a marshmallow, Olive Oil? 5. Mrs. Abernathy squeaks out a meek titter that is annoyingly high-pitched. MRS. ABERNATHY Olive oil. That's funny. Very, very funny. OLIVE (POLITELY) No thank you, Mr. Abernathy. MR. ABERNATHY You can call me Mortimer, Olive Branch. Mrs. Abernathy titters again. Rhiannon rolls her eyes. There is another awkwardly long silence, while the Abernathys grin away at their fire. INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Rhiannon is getting increasingly angrier at her friend. RHIANNON (Into the phone) Why don't you just say it? You don't like my parents. You think they're hopelessly pathetic and devoid of souls and wish that you could live with normal people who didn't meet at a Star Trek convention!! She quickly catches her faux pas and stops talking. OLIVE (Sympathetic to her FRIEND) Rhi, I like your parents. They're sweet. But I can't go camping this weekend. RHIANNON Quick. Hurry and make up a lie. OLIVE I have a date. RHIANNON Liar. 6. OLIVE (LYING) No. I do. RHIANNON With who? OLIVE You don't know him. RHIANNON And neither do you, you selfish bitch! OLIVE I'm serious. He goes to the community college with my brother in Denton. RHIANNON What's his name then? OLIVE (WAXING CUTE) Who? My brother? RHIANNON Stop stalling. You're totally trying to come up with a name. Just say it. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE I'm not proud of this. Less about the lie and more about the unoriginality of it. Okay, have you guys ever watched `The Brady Bunch'? Of course you haven't. You're busy watching fake people pretend to be real on MTV. That's why I knew I could get away with it. See, there was this episode where Jan - the awkward middle child - made up a boyfriend to assuage the ridicule of her snatchy sister who had just stolen the heart of the boy that Jan loved. The name of her imaginary boyfriend WAS -- 7. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY OLIVE (Into the phone) George Glass. RHIANNON George? What kind of a fucking name is George? OLIVE He's pretty hot and he asked me out this weekend, so I said yes. Although still skeptical, she seems a tad more mollified. RHIANNON If you're choosing him over helping me cope with two days in the wilderness with these people who even I'm not convinced aren't serial killers, he had better be the one. You had better fucking marry him, have fucking babies with him and then take him for fucking everything he's worth. OLIVE Deal. INT. CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS Rhi and Olive continue their conversation, as Rhi pops a tater tot into her mouth. RHIANNON (With her mouth full) You're not off the hook, you know. I want lurid details. This had better be the best date of your life to counterbalance the worst weekend of mine. OLIVE I'm sure you'll have a good time. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Rhi sits, bored and uncomfortable, while her parents smile at the campfire for an, again, awkwardly long moment. 8. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY To her webcam -- OLIVE (Through the proverbial CLENCHED TEETH) Even though we now hate each other, Rhi, I really hope you're watching this. Because this part's for you. The lurid details of my weekend en flagrante delicto with the all-too- imaginary, yet surprisingly satisfying George Glass: Ken Nordine's beat poem `OLIVE,' (from the late 60's album `Colors'), underscored to jazz, plays as we see a montage of OLIVE'S WEEKEND: In her bedroom, Olive -- -- watches `The Notebook,' pining over Ryan Gosling. KEN NORDINE (V.O.) Olive. Poor thing. -- paints her toenails Jungle Red. KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D) Sits and thinks that it's drab. Sure does. Sits and sits and sits and sits and THINKS about it's olive drab drab. -- dances to the jazz music, but alone, in her underwear and a t-shirt that declares: `Hands off.' KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D) DOESN'T KNOW that it is about to be named `Color of the Year,' by those with the nose for the new. By the passionate few. Yeah... -- reads TEEN PEOPLE magazine. KEN NORDINE (CONT'D) Olive is definitely in. EVERYTHING that can possibly mean (MORE) 9. KEN NORDINE (CONT'D) anything! Anywhere! At least for a year. -- dances some more. KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D) Has got to be Olive! Did you hear that Olive? Did ya? Know what it means? Oh Olive! There'll be olive cars and olive trucks and olive chickens and olive ducks and olive socks and olive garters And olive brakes and olive starters! Olive, sorry! Olive, please! OLIVE WHATNOTS and olive trees! Olive trees? What a quaint notion... Olive trees. (CHUCKLING) Olive. Out of breath from dancing, she walks over and displaces the NEEDLE from the KEN NORDINE ALBUM she's playing. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY To the webcam -- OLIVE But on Monday, when Rhi asked me how my weekend was... INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Olive and Rhi walk, with books in hand, to class - weaving in and out of people. OLIVE It was nothing short of perfection. 10. RHIANNON Details, bitch. Wait, first I need a scope of reference. Who would play him in the movie of your life? OLIVE Ryan Gosling, definitely. RHIANNON That works. Spill. OLIVE He was charming. A real gentleman. RHIANNON Are you going to see him again? OLIVE Probably not. It was just one of those weekends. RHIANNON The whole weekend? OLIVE Yeah. Rhiannon suddenly stops and twirls Olive to face her. RHIANNON Wait a minute. You didn't... OLIVE No, of course not. RHIANNON (VERY LOUDLY) You fucking liar! You totally lost your virginity to him. Pedestrian students stop in their tracks to stare at them. OLIVE I did not. RHIANNON YES YOU DID, YOU LYING FUCKING WHORE! Olive grabs her and drags her forward, interrupting the show. RHIANNON (CONT'D) Tell me everything and spare me the coquettish `just-the-tip' bullshit. (MORE) 11. RHIANNON (CONT'D) I know you did it! I know you let him put it inside you, so just TELL ME! OLIVE I'm not that kind of girl. RHIANNON The kind that does it or the kind that does it like a fucking porn star and then doesn't have the balls to talk about it? Rhi drags her into the -- INT. GIRLS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS -- and abrasively, gets up in Olive's face. RHIANNON I want every perverted detail. NOW, bitch. Pressured, Olive lies. OLIVE Okay. Fine. We did it. RHIANNON You lost your virginity! Fucking finally! Now, you're a super-slut like me! OLIVE Rhi. Blowing Peter Tolliver once behind the Pizza Hut doesn't make you a super-slut. RHIANNON There were people walking past. Whatever, this isn't about me. This is about YOU. What did you let him do? OLIVE (V.O.) I started piling on lie after lie. It was like setting up Jenga. CUT TO: 12. A well-manicured FEMALE HAND stacks WOODEN JENGA BLOCKS onto a table. BACK TO: OLIVE (CONT'D) It was... Normal. Nothing freaky. It was sweet. HE was sweet. RHIANNON Was he big? Did it hurt? OLIVE No. It was great. Like I said. Okay, that's enough. The toilet flushes and MARIANNE BRYANT (16), an Aryanesque, cardigan-wearing Christian-girl exits from a stall and walks to the sink, where she vigorously washes her hands - while staring at Rhi and Olive with disgust. RHIANNON What the fuck are you looking at, Marianne? MARIANNE Nothing. Just a couple of admitted whores. Marianne wipes her hands and leaves the restroom. Olive's stomach revolves at her now-turned-public admission. OLIVE So, how was your weekend? (I promise it's the last time...) EXT. WOODS - NIGHT The Abernathys smile at the campfire, roasting WEINERS. Rhiannon would rather be anywhere other than there. MR. ABERNATHY Wienie, Rhi? Rhi snorts in contempt of her father and his wienie. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- 13. OLIVE Marianne Bryant, as we all know, is the President of the Christian Student Coalition and is that rare breed of human born with a stick the size of a baseball bat implanted up her anus. God's honest. I'm sure it's in some medical dictionary somewhere. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR Marianne and her lackey, NINA HOWELL (16), who's just as awful as she is, pass out flyers. OLIVE (V.O.) Last year's cause celebre was the changing of the school mascot, which she spearheaded. Marianne aggressively shoves her literature into passing students faces. INT. GYM - LAST YEAR The school's MASCOT (17), a SHIRTLESS MUSCULAR KID painted BLUE and costumed as a DEVIL, bursts into the auditorium and begins to rile students up by thrusting his PITCHFORK in the air. MASCOT Blue Devils! Blue Devils! Blue Devils! The crowd goes wild. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR - CONTINUOUS Marianne, melodramatically, grabs a PASSING STUDENT by the arm. MARIANNE How can we exhibit school pride when we're conveyed to others as satan worshippers? The scared student takes her pamphlet and runs away. 14. OLIVE (V.O.) Now, thankfully, we're the much less intimidating -- INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - MONTHS LATER The mascot, unenthusiastic and feeling ridiculous, walks into the gym dressed as a -- OLIVE (V.O.) Meerkat. MASCOT Go meerkats! Go meerkats! He can't seem to get himself or the student body as excited - with the exception of Marianne and Nina, in the stands applauding proudly. The school band is playing `GOLDFINGER.' Across the gym, Olive sits with Rhiannon. RHIANNON What the fuck is a meerkat anyway? OLIVE Beats the hell out of me. But can we just take a moment to applaud the Barbara Bush High School Marching Band for their very ambitious effort to learn all of the James Bond theme music in a single year? I personally wish them all the best in their endeavor. Ku-dos! RHIANNON I think I speak for all of the female students and faculty - and maybe a couple of males - when I say that I liked Todd much better when he was shirtless. I actually looked forward to these disturbing displays of -- what do they call it? OLIVE School spirit. RHIANNON Yeah. That's it. 15. OLIVE Even dressed as a meerkat, I still fantasize about him. RHIANNON Ha! What are those people called again? The ones that dress up like stuffed animals when they do it? OLIVE Communists. Rhiannon laughs. RHIANNON Shhh. Don't let Marianne hear you say that word. The last thing we need is McCarthyism at Barbara Bush. OLIVE Isn't high school already a hotbed of just that? RHIANNON True. (Beat.) Yeah, I'd totally fuck Meerkat Todd. They both get lost in the thought. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE So, of course, immediately I knew that the little white lie I told to my then-best-friend in the ladies room would come back to bite me on the ass. However, even I - who my fourth grade teacher stated on my report card `has an imagination that should be quickly expunged' - had no idea how quickly this article of fiction would spread. So, now we move on to Part Two: The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude. 16. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Olive loads books into her locker. She sees Marianne walk past with Nina. They give her a repulsed look. Olive decides to nip this in the bud. She catches up to them. OLIVE Hey Marianne, can I talk to you for a second? Nina, reluctantly, gives them a moment alone. MARIANNE (EXASPERATED) What? OLIVE Listen, what you heard in the bathroom, that wasn't true. It's actually a funny story. Do you ever watch `The Brady Bunch'? MARIANNE Olive - that's your name, right? Olive knows that Marianne knows her name, but obligingly nods. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I'm not the one you have to answer to for your depraved behavior. There is a higher power to judge your indecency. OLIVE (JOKINGLY) Who? The guidance counselor? MARIANNE (ICILY) I hope for your sake, God has a sense of humor. OLIVE Oh, I have sixteen years worth of anecdotal proof that He does. Olive looks over and sees that Nina is talking to a group of GUYS, who are looking at Olive, intrigued. 17. OLIVE (CONT'D) (SOTTO VOCE) Damn it. Marianne sees what her friend is doing and smiles at Olive, coldly. MARIANNE Look. You've made your bed. I just hope for your sake, you cleaned the sheets. She turns on her heels and leaves Olive behind. OLIVE (TO HERSELF) Did I just get saved? She shakes off her attempt and continues on her way, walking past the guys who smile at her. This alarms her. GUY IN HALL Hey Olive. How's it going? Without stopping -- OLIVE I'm swell, guy-I've-never-laid-eyes- on-before. Thanks for asking. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) All I could think to myself was `Great, now I'm going to have to start wearing red lipstick and stiletto heels.' Battling her frustration, she goes to class. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Olive eats dinner with her family. Her father, DILL (40's), is a regular dad-kinda-guy. Her mother, ROSEMARY (40's) is heavyset with a fun disposition. Also in attendance is her `a-little-too-precious' sister, GINGER (12). Olive and her folks get along really well. OLIVE Hey, you guys know that I was here all weekend, right? 18. They all nod at her. OLIVE (CONT'D) And you would testify to that? DILL (SLIGHTLY CONCERNED) What's up, sweet pea? OLIVE It's nothing. Just the rumor mill. ROSEMARY What's the rumor mill turning out these days? OLIVE Seriously, it's nothing. They continue to eat. ROSEMARY Don't forget your brother's staying here next weekend. OLIVE Why? He never comes home. ROSEMARY They're fumigating the dorms. And thank God for that. Last time I was there, I saw three cockroaches. GINGER (WHINY) Mom, can you please not say that word while I'm eating? ROSEMARY Sorry, hon. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE Like all families, mine has a deep dark secret. And since I'm spilling all this dirt, I might as well go ahead and confess it. She takes a deep breath. 19. OLIVE (CONT'D) I'm trusting that this nugget of information isn't going to be spread around, but - okay, here it goes: My dad's name is Dill and my mother's name is Rosemary. They were so amused by this that they decided to name all of their children after -- (FEIGNING DISCOMFORT) -- edible items. (With mock emotion) My brother's name is Sage and my sister's name is Ginger. It's shocking, I know. We're like a fucking pantry, us Penderghasts! (SNAPPING BACK) But at least my parents didn't meet at a `Star Trek' convention, BITCH! Sorry. Now, I'm just being mean. Okay. Back to the story. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY As Olive walks through school, she is met with a totally different energy. She no longer blends in. Guys are checking her out. Girls are glaring at her, scornfully. She's kind of digging it. OLIVE (V.O.) So, while I would never have classified myself as a wallflower, I was now the center of attention and who doesn't love that? Jeez, if I'd known that losing my virginity would create such a new persona for myself, I'd have lied about it back in eighth grade. Eighth grade sucked. I did get my first kiss back then, however. It was gross and kind of turned me off to the whole my-tongue-in-other- people's-mouths thing. Not to mention, the even-worse other- people's-tongues-in-MY-mouth thing. Seriously, folks. Who invented kissing? Why is everyone so dead- set on sticking their body parts in other people's orifices? If there's a hole on a person, rest assured, somebody wants to stick something of theirs in it. 20. INT. CLOSET In almost complete darkness, a very nervous EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (13) sits with a scared shitless EIGHTH GRADE KID (13). You can hear other PRE-TEENS snickering and whispering outside the door. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE So, I think this is the part where you're supposed to stick your tongue in my mouth. It's just what I've heard. EIGHTH GRADE KID Just give me a second, okay? Olive presses a button and her watch illuminates. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE According to my watch, you have 382 of them. EIGHTH GRADE KID How do you do that? EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE What? EIGHTH GRADE KID Add so fast. And you also talk like a grown up. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Don't worry. I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am. The kid snickers. He feels a little more at ease. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D) I think it's just practice. For when I do grow up. Plus, don't sweat it. Girls mature faster than boys. EIGHTH GRADE KID That's what they say. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE And it's probably the reason I'm ready to do this and you're not. EIGHTH GRADE KID Is it that obvious? 21. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Painfully so. EIGHTH GRADE KID So, if we didn't do anything, would you tell everybody? EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Absolutely. I will tell everyone you pussied out and the whole school will make fun of you and you'll most likely spend the rest of your teen years as a joke - no, even worse - a cautionary tale. They both laugh. EIGHTH GRADE KID The Kid Who Opted Not To Kiss The Girl. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE They'll tell it for years. It'll be a suburban legend. The kid smiles warmly and gratefully at her. EIGHTH GRADE KID Thanks, Olive. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Don't mention it. EIGHTH GRADE KID No. YOU don't mention it. She extends her pinky to him. They link pinkies and they swear on it. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE We still have five minutes and thirty six seconds. There's a long silence. EIGHTH GRADE KID I'm really interested in politics. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Oh yeah? EIGHTH GRADE KID Totally. 22. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Well,... Uh.... Cool. There's another long silence. Finally, from outside the door -- PRETEEN KID (O.S.) Ewwwww. Hunter Neblett just puked all over the dining room. Olive and the kid listen as people scurry from outside the closet. EIGHTH GRADE KID Thank God. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Hey, we're in Junior High. Vomit- viewing will always trump spit- swapping. The kid starts to make his grand escape, but Olive stops him. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D) Real fast - and you can tell me the truth. It's not because I'm -- The kid smiles. EIGHTH GRADE KID No. You're very pretty. He extends his pinky and she links it to hers. He kisses her quickly on the cheek and darts from the closet. Olive sits in the closet for a moment, contemplating what just happened, wondering if he was telling the truth, then she opens the door. The coast is clear, except for ANOTHER PRETEEN KID walking past. She aggressively grabs him and pulls him into the closet with her and, promptly, thrusts her tongue into his mouth. They make out. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive seems lost in thought. She snaps back to reality and the task at hand. 23. OLIVE If I'd known that Meerkat Todd was going to turn out so hot, I probably would have cherished the moment more. I suppose just that I'm sitting here reminiscing about it means that it must have meant something. (Beat.) Yeah, so anyway - kissing's not really my thing. That's what I learned in Natalie Giblin's closet. I digress... INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Olive half-listens in class, while her English teacher MR. GRIFFIN (early 30's), a handsome guy, lectures on `THE SCARLET LETTER.' OLIVE (V.O.) So, I'm feeling like the cat's ass, because everyone thinks I've been deflowered. I'm surprised at how empowered I felt by this prevarication. I wonder to myself, would I feel this invigorated if I had actually let some college kid violate me in his cockroach- infested dorm room? Probably not. (Beat.) Ironically, we were studying `The Scarlet Letter,' but isn't that always the way with these teenage tales? The literature you read in class always seems to have a strong connection with whatever angsty adolescent drama is being recounted. I consider this. (Pause.) Then I think: Except for `Huckleberry Finn.' I don't know any teenage boys who have ever run away with a big, hulking black guy. MR. GRIFFIN Alright, so thoughts? Nina raises her hand. Mr. Griffin points to her. NINA I think Hester Prynne was - excuse my language - a whore. 24. MR. GRIFFIN You don't see her as a victim? NINA Why should I? She brought it on herself. Nina whips around and gives Olive a look, surprising her. OLIVE Excuse me? NINA Perhaps you should embroider a red A on your wardrobe? OLIVE Perhaps you should GET a wardrobe, you twat! The class bursts into surprised laughter. Even Mr. Griffin tries hard to suppress a congratulatory glance in her direction. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) Admittedly, not my best line. But it was provocative enough to land me in the Principal's office. Mr. Griffin, begrudgingly, calls her to his desk. He starts writing something on a piece of paper. INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Olive sits with her arms crossed outside of the Principal's office. She clenches a note in her fist. Marianne, who's an office aid, has a smirk on her face as she watches Olive squirm. She slams her fist down on the stapler, repetitively. FINALLY -- MARIANNE Seems as if someone's on a downward spiral. OLIVE Seems as if someone's practicing the mundane activities she'll be saddled with the rest of her pathetic life. 25. MARIANNE You have a chip on your shoulder the size of Texas. OLIVE Wow, that's even bigger than your ass. MARIANNE (COLDLY) You're going to hell. OLIVE (Growing weary of this BANTER) As long as you won't be there... MARIANNE Oh, I can assure you I won't. Neither says anything for a few moments. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I hope you at least had the good sense to wear a condom. OLIVE Why? Your parents didn't. MARIANNE You know, you're just like -- The principal's door opens and Marianne quickly shuts up and continues her work. TWO KIDS emerge. One, obviously, a bully; the other, obviously, the bullied. The BULLIED kid is holding a BLOODIED TISSUE up to his nose. He and Olive exchange meaningful glances. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (60's), a colossal prick disguised as a man, gestures for her to come in. Olive gets up and enters -- INT. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS He closes the door behind them. He holds his hand out and she gives him the note that Mr. Griffin wrote. Gibbons studies it. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS I don't know you. She thrusts her hand out. 26. OLIVE Olive Penderghast. He eyes her hand, not amused, and she quickly withdraws it. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS Why are we just now meeting? Using language like this should have warranted a visit to me years ago. OLIVE Well, to be perfectly honest - I've never used an epithet like this in an educational arena before. Sir. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS This is foul. OLIVE In my defense, I think I meant to say `twit.' It just came out more - what's the word I'm looking for? Veracious. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS A young lady with such an extensive vocabulary shouldn't be stooping to such vituperations. OLIVE (SMILING) Touché. As serious as a heart attack... PRINCIPAL GIBBONS Wipe that smile off your face -- (Consulting the note) Olive. I don't tolerate this kind of language. Ever. Consider this your first warning. If I find out you've used a word like this in my school again, I will make sure that it's your last. I don't operate on a `three strikes you're out system'. You get one warning from me. She starts to say something -- PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (CONT'D) Think very carefully before you speak. 27. She relents, but stares him squarely in the eyes. OLIVE I always do. Are we finished? He gestures to the door. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS Detention tomorrow after school in Room 704. And, young lady, I don't want to see you again. OLIVE Not even in a more positive capacity? Maybe I could win a ribbon or a medal or something. I could conceivably be valedictorian. Or something. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS) Get out of my office now. She quickly runs out of his office. EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY Rhiannon, excitedly, approaches Olive - dying to talk to her. RHIANNON Please tell me the rumors are true. OLIVE Yes, I'm a big whore. RHIANNON Not that one. The one where you called Nina Howell a cunt and then socked her in the nose. OLIVE It's not entirely true. (Beat.) Look, there's something I need to tell you. Rhiannon ignores her sincere attempt to confess. RHIANNON Yeah. Like the exact moment you turned into such a BAD ASS? I think I'm in LOVE with you. (MORE) 28. RHIANNON (CONT'D) Please tell me you at least left a mark on that scrunched-up face of hers. POW! The cunt goes down for the count! OLIVE (FRUSTRATED) Never mind. Rhiannon pulls her keys from her purse and they walk to her car. OLIVE (CONT'D) I want a car. RHIANNON Please. It's my only perk. Trust me. They get into her car. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT The scene looks the same. Olive sits with her family, having family dinner. OLIVE I got sent to the Principal today. Her parents seem more impressed than upset. This is definitely a first. DILL What did you do? OLIVE I used inappropriate language in English class. But we're reading a book that I, personally, deem wildly inappropriate for my age group, so I felt that it was actually quite apropos. ROSEMARY (More curious than angry) What did you say? Olive looks to her little sister and thinks better of saying the word out loud. OLIVE Let's just say it was an inappropriate word. 29. DILL What did it start with? OLIVE A snide comment from a snotty-ass girl in my class. DILL I meant what letter did it start with? OLIVE Oh. Yeah. T. ROSEMARY T? That's an odd one. Is this one of those new curse words? Both her parents wheels are going. They're both seeking the answer in their heads, but are coming up with nothing. ROSEMARY (CONT'D) Was it -- ? She leans over and whispers something in her daughter's ear. OLIVE I don't even know what that means. ROSEMARY Yeah. Neither do I. Her parents search their brains, but nothing is coming to them. DILL Okay. Noun, adjective or verb? OLIVE Noun. Definitely slang. Think British, although they pronounce it differently. ROSEMARY Well, I'm stumped. Whisper it in my ear. OLIVE I can't. Too weird. Excited by the prospect -- ROSEMARY Oo! Oo! Spell it with your peas! 30. OLIVE Now, THAT'S a challenge. She begins maneuvering her peas around the plate. DILL Does this have something to do with this rumor you were talking about the other night? Olive touches her index finger to her nose, as she continues to manipulate her food. DILL (CONT'D) Is there something you want to tell us, kiddo? OLIVE I'm spelling it out for you as quickly as I can. GINGER (Desperate for attention) I got a B plus on my spelling test today. Too intrigued by Olive's admission to really care -- ROSEMARY Good, sweetheart. Rosemary figures it out as Olive is assembling the A. ROSEMARY (CONT'D) Oh, I know what it is! She leans over and whispers it in Dill's ear. He nods in understanding. GINGER (Glancing at Olive's PLATE) What's a twat? Olive quickly scrapes the peas into a pile. DILL It's a word that will get you sent to the principal's office. ROSEMARY (Whispering into Ginger's EAR) It's not a good word. (MORE) 31. ROSEMARY (CONT'D) (TO OLIVE) So, what was the principal like? OLIVE The male equivalent. ROSEMARY Of what? Now, it's Dill's turn to whisper in Rosemary's ear. She nods in understanding. DILL Well, it's the first time since second grade, so I guess we can't be too hard on you. OLIVE (GENUINELY CURIOUS) What would my punishment have been otherwise? DILL I dunno. To bed without supper? OLIVE But I'm already finished. Except for my helpful and profane peas. DILL (THINKING HARD) Uhhhh. This grounding thing seems to be taking the country by storm. No phone, TV or... Or.... OLIVE I'll help you out. I don't have anyone to call. I haven't watched TV since they cancelled `The Illegitimate Children of the Real Housewives of Laguna Beach' and I really only watched that as a joke. DILL Fine. I'd take away your -- OLIVE Books? Computer? DILL Yes! You're computer! 32. OLIVE All my homework's on there. Sorry. You lose. But thanks for playing. DILL (SMILING WARMLY) I guess then I'm lucky this isn't a regular occurrence. Olive gets up from the table and kisses her dad on the cheek. OLIVE I think we both are. I wouldn't know how to be grounded any more than you know how to ground. DILL I love you. (Whispering in her ear) And I'm sure that girl was acting like exactly what you called her. OLIVE (WHISPERING BACK) You have no idea. She goes over and kisses her mom on the cheek, as well. Leaving the dining room -- OLIVE (CONT'D) How's about I go and punish myself? Mea culpa, mea culpa. She retreats upstairs. GINGER How come you guys never get mad at her? ROSEMARY Because, pumpkin, of our three darling children, we love her best. (Erupting into laughter) Just kidding! Now eat your dinner. Dill chuckles, but Ginger is not amused. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- 33. OLIVE The next day, things took a turn for the scandalous. Which brings us to Part Three: A Lady's Choice and a Gentleman's Agreement. She smiles slyly into her camera. INT. ROOM 704 - DAY Bored, Olive sits at a desk in a classroom, reading a tattered copy of `The Scarlet Letter.' She's dressed much racier and is starting to look pretty hot. There's only one other person in the room. The BULLIED KID seen by Olive leaving Gibbons's office the day before. The bullied kid is thin as a rail, pale as a ghost and slightly effeminate. He looks miserable. Not just by this detention, but from life in general. OLIVE Are these detention sessions often unchaperoned? BULLIED KID I don't think we pose a flight risk. OLIVE I see. Olive laughs to herself. BULLIED KID What? OLIVE I was just thinking it's kind of funny. We haven't really talked since that closet incident back in eighth grade. BULLIED KID I was afraid you were going to bring that up. OLIVE So, how have you been, Brandon? BRANDON (DRYLY) I have been fantastic. (MORE) 34. BRANDON (CONT'D) Really, really amazing. Don't know if you heard, but according to my locker, I'm a `power bottom.' OLIVE Yikes. BRANDON Yeah, only two days after the custodians had finally gotten around to scrubbing `turd burglar' off. Which, if you think about it, really contradicts the previous label. OLIVE Maybe your vandal is marvelling at your versatility? Brandon shoots her a `that's not funny' look. BRANDON But, of course, I'm in detention. OLIVE Why? BRANDON Because Gibbons is a homophobe. (Beat.) And I called him a facist. OLIVE So, the rumors are true, huh? BRANDON (INCREDULOUS) Have you ever met me? OLIVE No. I meant about Gibbons being a facist. He laughs. OLIVE (CONT'D) I kind of guessed it that night with the whole kissing thing. The way you ran away. I remember thinking to myself, `this isn't the first time this kid's going to go bursting out of the closet.' 35. BRANDON Gold star for you, Nancy Drew. There's a brief silence between them. OLIVE You know, I read this article that said with this whole EMO movement, it looks like - that in a few years - the gay kids are going to be the most popular ones in school. BRANDON Oh good. I'll come back when I'm twenty seven for my redo. Ignoring his cynicism -- OLIVE Can you imagine the dance squad full of shirtless guys in tight pants rocking out to Britney, while the football players sit on the sidelines wishing they were that cool? BRANDON That'll be the day. (Beat.) Judging from the new look you're sporting, I'm not the only one in a transformative stage. `Sup with the whore couture? OLIVE (PROUDLY) Haven't you heard? I'm the new school slut! BRANDON As a matter of fact I did hear that. I heard you banged a guy twice your age. OLIVE No way. He's a freshman in college. BRANDON Also heard he gave you crabs. OLIVE Ewwww. People suck. 36. BRANDON Tell me about it. OLIVE He's not real. The guy I slept with. I made him up. BRANDON So, you started the rumor? OLIVE Indirectly? Sort of. Well, not really. No. No, I didn't. BRANDON But you're perpetuating it. That's fucked up. OLIVE (OFFENDED) Excuse me? BRANDON It's true. There's only one thing worse than these tabloid-chasing celebutantes with their vapid minds and their immoral souls and that's the people who want to be like them. OLIVE Did I say I wanted to be like them? BRANDON No, you just want everyone else to think you are. OLIVE Why does it matter if it's not who I really am? No offense, Brando, but maybe you could learn something from me. BRANDON You're saying I should pretend to be straight, so people will like me? What a novel idea. You should do seminars. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot... In high school, EVERYBODY PRETENDS TO BE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT! 37. OLIVE Calm down, Adolph. There's a vein popping out of your neck. I'm simply suggesting that maybe these kids we call peers have got the right idea. Maybe Bridget Schumacher isn't as hippy-dippy as she pretends to be. Maybe that's just the label she's put on herself to avoid having to bathe as often as society deems necessary. Or take Marianne Bryant. It's convenient for her to act like a stuck-up Jesus-freak. (Thinking about this) No. I'm wrong. I think she's actually just a stuck-up Jesus- freak. But do you think she cares that that's the way she's perceived? No. Maybe she was just sick of being just another nameless, faceless entity in a place and a time that reveres people for extremity? Brandon realizes why she's chosen this path and feels for her. BRANDON There are some of us, though, that want to just blend in to the crowd. OLIVE Then maybe you need to go to that extreme. Or make the steadfast decision not to care. Even better if you can manage to do both. (Beat.) I've discovered an infallible remedy for teen angst: apathy. BRANDON I can't decide if you're a genius or a lunatic. OLIVE Don't they sort of go hand-in-hand? She smiles sinisterly at him. BRANDON Funny. I always thought teen angst and apathy went hand in hand. 38. There is an electricity in the air and it seems as if at any moment, they might fling off their clothes and screw right there. OLIVE How am I doing? BRANDON What? Pretending to be a whore? For a virgin, I'm impressed. How about me? Could I pass as straight? OLIVE Not bad. For a fag. BRANDON I prefer the term `turd burglar.' They both break character and return to being themselves. OLIVE If we really wanted to shock the world, we'd get up and leave detention. BRANDON But you know that we would never do that. OLIVE Isn't going to stop me from telling everybody we did. Brandon thinks hard about everything that's just been said. His brain is going a-mile-a-minute. In that noggin, an idea has been planted. Olive, not oblivious to this, returns to her novel. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Olive lounges on her bed, flipping through a magazine and talking to Rhiannon on the phone. RHIANNON (O.S.) Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa Hodges that you lost your virginity to three guys in a jacuzzi. 39. OLIVE Well, I guess that's better than me getting crabs from a guy twice my age. RHIANNON (O.S.) Ewww. Who said that? OLIVE You know that Brandon kid? RHIANNON (O.S.) From your seedy pre-pubescent closet romp? OLIVE The one and only. It's what somebody told him. RHIANNON (O.S.) Nobody talks to him. OLIVE Isn't that sad? He's actually quite the conversationalist. RHIANNON (O.S.) He's gay. OLIVE Since when are straight guys under the age of eighteen able to converse? A call beeps in on the other line. OLIVE (CONT'D) Shit. Hold on. She clicks over. OLIVE (CONT'D) Hello? BRANDON (O.S.) Olive? OLIVE (SINGSONG) Unfortunately so. BRANDON It's Brandon. 40. OLIVE Speak of the devil... BRANDON (O.S.) Hey, can I come over? I wanted to talk to you about something. OLIVE (INTRIGUED) Okay. Yeah. Sure. BRANDON (O.S.) Okay. See you soon. Olive clicks over to Rhiannon. OLIVE Dude, that was Brandon. He wants to talk to me about something. RHIANNON (O.S.) Probably wants to borrow an outfit. OLIVE That's so mean. RHIANNON (O.S.) Any word from George? OLIVE Rhi, I told you. It was a one night stand. Which is now a DONE night stand. RHIANNON (O.S.) You're being awfully cavalier about this. I mean, he popped your cherry. Aren't you supposed to be eternally in love with him and shit? OLIVE If I was a character on a CW show, then, absolutely, I'd be blubbering all over my Teen Vogue. Hey, we should start a rumor that I'm having a pregnancy scare! Olive is stoked by her idea. 41. INT. FOYER - PENDERGHAST HOME - NIGHT Rosemary opens the door to see Brandon. She has no idea who he is. BRANDON Hi. Is there an Olive here? ROSEMARY (FEIGNING CONFUSION) There's a whole jar of them in the fridge. BRANDON Sorry, I must have gotten the address wrong. ROSEMARY Just kidding! Come on in. Brandon walks in and Rosemary shouts -- ROSEMARY (CONT'D) Olive, sweetie, there's a young man here to see you. He said something about asking for your hand in marriage. Brandon's eyes bulge and Olive descends the staircase. OLIVE Oh happy day, Mama! I thought I was going to have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness. Olive grabs Brandon by the hand and leads him upstairs to -- INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS She closes the door behind them. OLIVE My mom's an acquired taste. I know this because I've only just recently begun to appreciate her myself. She gestures for him to sit down. OLIVE (CONT'D) Welcome to my boudoir! This is where the magic happens. 42. BRANDON (BLURTING OUT) Do you wanna go out with me? She looks at him, strangely. BRANDON (CONT'D) I mean, like -- Do you want to be my girlfriend? OLIVE Brandon, just a few hours ago, you told me you were Kinsey Six gay. BRANDON True. But you said I should pretend to be straight. OLIVE Well, I didn't mean with me. You're a sweet guy and all, but you're not really my type. BRANDON You're not really my type either. OLIVE I should say not. BRANDON Okay. Well, do you wanna have sex with me? OLIVE You're serious. He nervously nods. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh my God, dude. You totally missed my point. All I was saying was that -- BRANDON No, I know what you were saying. I should play it straight until I get out of this hell and then I can be whoever I want to be. No, I got that. OLIVE Brandon, I didn't REALLY have sex with a college guy. I just told people I did. (MORE) 43. OLIVE (CONT'D) (CONSIDERS THIS) Well, actually, I just told one person and - well - you know how these things work. BRANDON So, you're saying I shouldn't really have sex. I should just say I had sex with someone. A girl. OLIVE Now, you're cooking with gas. It's his turn to smile slyly at her. She sees where he's going with this and instantly gets defensive. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no. No. Really. No. No way. No. No. BRANDON Think about it. We could help each other out. You want to maintain this floozy facade. I want to not get my face pummelled weekly. OLIVE You are on crack. BRANDON All it would take is one good imaginary fuck and you'd be saving the bone structure of my face. Think of how happy my parents would be! OLIVE This is not the answer. Why don't you just do what I did and make someone up? BRANDON Who would believe me? (GROWING INCREASINGLY DESPERATE) Listen, Olive, I don't want to do this. I want to live in that not- too-distant EMO world, but I still have another year of this bullshit place and I can't do it. I just can't do it. (Beat.) (MORE) 44. BRANDON (CONT'D) I'll pay you. I can pay you whatever you want. OLIVE (GENTLY) I just don't think it would work. BRANDON Whores aren't discerning, Olive. And just think - you'll OFFICIALLY be a hooker with a heart of gold! OLIVE I don't want your money. BRANDON I insist. OLIVE So, if I say yes, you're going to tell a couple of people at school and I just have to go with it? I really don't think it will work. BRANDON (His voice cracking with EMOTION) I can make it work. I promise. She sees tears forming in his eyes. She walks away from him and is silent for a long few moments. OLIVE I don't do anything half-assed. (Spinning around to face HIM) It'll have to be a public event. Melanie Bostic is having a party tomorrow night. All of your tormentors will be there. You and I are going together. You have to do everything I say AND you have to tell people that I was sensational. Brandon wipes his tears away and is the happiest gay you've ever seen. He throws his arms around her and won't let go. BRANDON I can't believe you're doing this. OLIVE Afterwards, it's up to you. You're committing to something. (MORE) 45. OLIVE (CONT'D) Just make sure you're ready to live with the consequences. It seems as if that last statement was more for herself than it was for him. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE I'm sure you all remember the party... INT. BOSTIC HOUSE - NIGHT A TEEN PARTY rages. DRUNK KIDS abound. Olive, looking like a million-fuckin'-bucks, prances into the party with Brandon, who's looking pretty snazzy himself. They appear drunk and are falling all over each other. People stare in complete amazement at a.) Their appearance and b.) That they're even together in the first place. You'd never guess that this was anything less than an A-LIST TEEN COUPLE, ripped from the pages of Teen People. Olive falls against Brandon laughing. He hoists her up, as their host, MELANIE BOSTIC (17), a fairly pretty girl, approaches. MELANIE Hey Olive! (WEIRDED OUT) Hi Brandon. OLIVE OhmiGod, Melly. I hope you don't mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail party cocktails... (DISORIENTED) Party. Cocktails. MELANIE Well, glad you could make it. OLIVE (Whispering and slurring in her ear) Soooo, here's the thing. (MORE) 46. OLIVE (CONT'D) Brandon was in the middle of telling me this funny thing. Is there a quiet room we can go to where he can finish telling me -- (HICCUP) -- About his thing? That's funny? She stares glassy-eyed at Melanie. Brandon just smiles. MELANIE Sure. You can use the guest room. Down the hall. OLIVE I love you. I love you so much. You are -- Just, yeah. She gives her a drunken punch on the shoulder. She spins around to the entire party, who is looking at them with complete interest. OLIVE (CONT'D) (Loudly; to all) Hey everybody! They raise a glass to them and Brandon and Olive stumble down the hallway, laughing. MELANIE (Shocked; Mouthing to a GUEST) What the fuck?! The bully who emerged from Gibbons's office with Brandon, goes up to Melanie. BULLY Was that Olive with Brandon? MELANIE I know! Right? They, with a big group, race down the hall where Brandon and Olive have just retreated to. INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT Olive locks the door and drops the drunk act. She's completely sober and so is Brandon. 47. OLIVE (WHISPERING) Draw the shades. Brandon runs over and pulls the blinds down. They giggle, conspiratorially. Olive plops down on the bed and stretches out. Brandon lays beside her. She moans for the benefit of the audience she knows has assembled outside. She moans again and it's very convincing. She leans over and whispers in his ear -- OLIVE (CONT'D) Grunt. Make it really convincing. And manly. He does so. She extends her palm, impressed. He slaps it with his. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Sure enough, it seems as if most of the party is listening at the door - falling all over each other to hear. Nearest to the door is the bully, who is pleasantly surprised by the noise inside. INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS Olive reaches into her handbag and pulls out her copy of `The Scarlet Letter' and reads it while she makes sex noises. Brandon laughs at this and Olive smacks him with it, prompting him to stop. She puts her finger over her lips, giving him the `Shhhh' sign. She continues to read as she thrusts her hips, making the bed squeak ever so slightly. BRANDON (WHISPERING) How long do we have to do this? OLIVE (WHISPERING) Depends. Do you wanna be a normal adolescent boy or do you wanna be a stud? He moans in his deepest voice. She continues to read, crescendoing her moaning like a pro. 48. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh God, Brandon. Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. She takes the top of the headboard and lightly taps it against the wall, over and over. OLIVE (CONT'D) (WHISPERING) Now that I think about it, we probably don't want to do this for too long. It'll give the impression that you're having difficulty finishing. That's not the desired effect. BRANDON (WHISPERING) Are you sure you're a virgin? OLIVE (WHISPERING STERNLY) Of course I am! (LOUDLY ) Oh, fuck me! Fuck me! Don't stop fucking me! Brandon suppresses a laugh. INT. GUEST ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Olive is disheveling herself. Brandon musses up his hair. OLIVE Hold on. She unbuttons Brandon's shirt and rebuttons it incorrectly. OLIVE (CONT'D) Go forth, my son. You're a man now. BRANDON Thanks Olive. He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS The whole crowd, leaning against the wall, quickly disperses when the door opens. 49. The bully immediately hands Brandon a beer and throws his arm around him, leading him drunkenly down the hallway, with a crew of guys after the dirty details. Olive looks at this and smiles, satisfied. Then she realizes that, though the guys have gone, there are a whole slew of girls looking at her completely differently. They avoid her eye contact, as one would ward off Medusa. Olive finds Melanie pretending not to be interested in her. OLIVE Is there a -- ? MELANIE Back entrance is through the kitchen. OLIVE Thanks. She begins her walk of shame down the corridor into the -- INT. KITCHEN -- Where she runs smack-dab into the well-developed chest of MEERKAT TODD. MEERKAT TODD (POLITELY) Sorry. They make eye contact. Olive is a sick shade of regret. MEERKAT TODD (CONT'D) Oh, hey Olive. OLIVE Hi Todd. Obviously oblivious to the demonstration that just occurred -- MEERKAT TODD How's it going? OLIVE I'M -- (She doesn't know how she IS) I'm here. MEERKAT TODD Can I get you a beer? 50. OLIVE That rhymed. Olive catches the reflection behind her of a group of guys leaning against the counter, signalling `NO, DON'T DO IT' to him behind her back. She spins around and they instantly pretend to not be paying attention. She glares at them. OLIVE (CONT'D) (Ashamed of herself) I should probably go. She rushes off. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE It was truly my Cindy Mancini moment. (MELODRAMATICALLY REENACTING) `You! Even Bobby thinks we went out. Great, huh? Ha! All of you thought we were a couple. What a joke!... Ronald Miller paid me 1,000 bucks to pretend I liked him. What a deal, huh? $1,000 to go out with him for a month. This guy. Oh, God. He bought me. And he bought all of you. He was sick and tired of being a nobody. Yeah, and he said that all of you guys would worship him if we went out. And I didn't believe that. I was, like, no way! And he was right! No, leave me alone. He was right. Our little plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? The dance. That stupid dance! What a bunch of followers you guys are. I mean, at least I got... At least I got paid.' (Sincerely; as herself) `Can't Buy Me Love' is one of the best movies ever made. Hands down. You guys should totally watch it if you haven't already. Or even if you have. Seriously fine filmmaking. 51. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY Olive lays on her bed watching the scene from `Can't Buy Me Love' that she just performed. She eats a candy bar and wallows in her self-pity. OLIVE (To the television) Oh, Cindy Mancini. It could have been a lot worse. Trust me. Her mom comes in with a nicely-wrapped gift. ROSEMARY That kid from the other night just dropped this off for you. Indicating an empty space on the floor -- OLIVE Put it on the pile of gifts from my other suitors. ROSEMARY He seems like a nice boy... Gay... OLIVE A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual that boy is. Rosemary puts the gift on the floor. ROSEMARY I dated a homosexual in high school. OLIVE We're not dating, Mom. ROSEMARY I just wanted to tell you that if you want to date a gay boy, it might be hard on your father and I, at first. But we love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite-sex partner. Rosemary leaves, chuckling at her own joke. Too curious, Olive opens the gift. She withdraws a PHOTO of the BULLY holding BRANDON'S LEGS while he does a KEG STAND. She smiles, pleasantly. She pulls out a PINK VIBRATOR and looks at it quizically. 52. There's an envelope inside. She opens it and pulls out a $200 Gift Card to TARGET. OLIVE (V.O.) Cindy Mancini gets $1,000. I get a vibrator and a $200 Gift Card to Target. There's a note, which she reads aloud to herself. OLIVE (CONT'D) Dear Olive, The dildo is just in case you don't shop at Target. Then you can fuck yourself. Olive breaks out into riotous laughter. She's genuinely touched by this gift. The phone rings. Thinking it's Brandon, Olive snatches it up. OLIVE (CONT'D) (EXCITEDLY) Your package was perfection! RHIANNON (O.S.) So, it's TRUE! OLIVE Rhi? RHIANNON (O.S.) Well, it's not last night's conquest! OLIVE You know, I always think it's so ridiculous on TV, when someone picks up the phone and magically seems to know who's going to be on the other end. I usually preface a conversation with `hello' to avoid such banalities. The one time I decide to step outside this convention... How are you? INT. MALL - DAY Rhiannon, clutching an enormous Diet Coke, plods through the mall with an intensity reserved for girls who just found out their best friend had her sophomore sexual exploit and didn't bother to tell them. 53. RHIANNON I have many questions, obviously. WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THE TWO LOCATIONS: OLIVE (PLAYFULLY) Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. No, in fact, I do NOT know the way to San Jose. And - little known fact - contrary to popular belief, panama hats are not from Panama at all! They're from Ecuador! Who knew? RHIANNON Now is not the time to be cute. OLIVE You're putting me in a precarious position, because -- (With her best Jackie-O VOICE) -- `according to last month's Cosmopolitan Magazine, we should always look cute. Even when we're doing mundane activities such as choosing vegetables from the produce section of our local grocery store.' RHIANNON Olive, stop it. This is serious. Did you really bang Brandon last night at Melanie Dipshit's party? Olive sighs as she slumps into her pillows. OLIVE Is that what people are saying happened? RHIANNON That's what EVERYONE is saying. OLIVE Then I guess it's true. RHIANNON Does this mean you guys are dating? OLIVE God no. 54. Rhiannon screams in frustration, attracting the attention of passing shoppers. RHIANNON Just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you can go around screwing everybody! OLIVE (OFF-PUT) Uh, thanks Mom. Good talk. RHIANNON You're getting a reputation. OLIVE Y'know, you're really coming off as a little pious right now and you're kind of pissing me off. RHIANNON Please forgive my rectitude, but I think that a best friend's duty is to let her know that everyone - and I do mean everyone - is calling her a cum dumpster. OLIVE Well, do YOU think I'm a cum dumpster? RHIANNON Look, baby, I call a spade a spade. Entering the red zone -- OLIVE First off, that's racist. Secondly, fuck you! How dare you? I was Laura Ingalls to your Lady Chatterly and, now all of a sudden, YOU feel the need to warn ME that I'M making a fool of myself? There are a lot of children who will never again experience Family Pizza Night because of you. So, why don't you jump off your high horse and splash around in the gutter where you belong. RHIANNON I didn't want to believe it, but I guess it's true. You're a fucktart. 55. OLIVE And you're a jealous virgin. RHIANNON Oh yeah. I totally want to lose my virginity to one of -- (As if it was a disease) -- your brother's friends and then be the first for a fairy, while everyone listens outside! What is wrong with you? Does sex mean anything to you? OLIVE Yes! It's a period of time, how ever short, that I don't have to talk to you! She slams the phone down into the cradle and seethes. Berlin's `SEX (I'm A...)' plays loudly as... She goes into her closet and starts, wildly, pulling down clothes. She throws them into a big pile in the middle of her floor. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into her webcam -- OLIVE Rhiannon Abernathy only wishes that somebody wanted to pretend to sleep with her! BACK TO: INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Olive - visibly upset - is cutting something, meticulously, out of RED FABRIC. In fact, she has yards of red fabric draped across her lap. When she finishes the shape, she tosses it behind her and begins another one. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - LATER Olive sews these red scraps to her clothes. When she finishes one piece, as before, she tosses it behind her and grabs another item from the crumpled wardrobe on her floor. 56. Time flies and we see the clothing pile rapidly decreasing, until there are none left. The song morphs into -- Tommy James and the Shondell's `CRIMSON & CLOVER' as we fade into -- INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Clad in sunglasses, fuck-me-boots and looking like a bona fide porn star, Olive struts down the halls of her school. Sewn across her larger and pushed up breasts is A FIERY RED `A' (NOTE: For the rest of the film, every piece of Olive's clothing will be emblazoned with a RED A.) Erections are popping up all along the halls, as well as looks of total disbelief from the girls. She works it like a Debbie Who Just Did Dallas, Düsseldorf, Des Moines, Daytona, Detroit and Darfur. Up ahead, Rhiannon is yakking with a semi-attractive guy named ANSON (17). She catches sight of Olive and her jaw drops. Olive sidles up to Anson, much to Rhiannon's chagrin. OLIVE Hey, Anson. ANSON (NERVOUS) Hi. OLIVE (Breathy and aping Marilyn MONROE) I just realized the funniest thing. My name is an anagram for `I love...' ANSON (STUTTERING) What's an anagram? OLIVE Look it up, big boy. She rubs her knee, seductively, along his inner thigh, turns and licks her lips at a repulsed Rhiannon and continues on her way. 57. INT. CAFETERIA - LUNCH LINE - LATER Anything sexually suggestive you can do with school cafeteria food, Olive does as she makes her way through the lunch line, as guys ogle her. Marianne, also present in the line, watches her in repugnance. INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY Olive emerges from the GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM, dressed for gym class. A TERRIFIED FAT KID named EVAN nervously approaches her. EVAN Hey Olive. OLIVE Hi Evan. EVAN Can I talk to you for a second? He gestures for her to follow him underneath the bleachers. She reluctantly does so. EVAN (CONT'D) (WHISPERING) Don't get mad, but Brandon told me what you did for him. OLIVE Well, rest assured, it was equally as thrilling for me. EVAN No, he told me the truth. She's pissed. She silently seethes. EVAN (CONT'D) And I was just hoping that maybe you could do the same for me? OLIVE (Through clenched teeth) Walk away, Evan. Evan starts to talk, but she raises her hand to silence him. OLIVE (CONT'D) RUN away, Evan. 58. EVAN I can pay you, too. OLIVE I'm about six seconds away from slapping you so hard that your unborn grandchildren will feel it. EVAN (Excited at the prospect) Can you do it in front of everyone? Olive turns and starts to leave. Evan summons up his courage and meekly states to her back. EVAN (CONT'D) I don't need your permission, you know. She turns around and gives him a look of death. He can't look at her. EVAN (CONT'D) I mean, at the rate you're going, I'm just saying I don't think anyone would not believe it. OLIVE Are you threatening me? EVAN I'll give you $500. OLIVE You're repugnant. EVAN (Indicating his body) That's the problem. And once again Olive feels too sorry for him to say no. OLIVE I want five hundred dollars in gift certificate form deposited in my locker before noon tomorrow. Preferably `The Gap,' but I'll also take Amazon.com. We did NOT have sex. I was piss-ass drunk and I let you fondle my chest and it was a glorious moment for you, unmatched by anything you've heretofore experienced, including cake. Got it? 59. EVAN Five hundred bucks for just feeling you up? Doesn't that seem a little steep to you? Can you throw in SOME (Mispronouncing it; as if it rhymed with `cottage') frottage? OLIVE (CORRECTING HIM) It's fraw-TAHZH, dumbass. (BUCKLING) Fine. But it was so good, you lasted only twelve seconds and I better not find out that little pecker of yours EVER came out of your pants. Take it or leave it. EVAN Little pecker? Nuh-uh. For five hundred dollars, it was ungodly huge. You even commented on the unusual girth for a guy my age. OLIVE I was too drunk to remember. EVAN Three minutes. OLIVE Two. He extends his hand. EVAN Deal. She, repulsed by it, shakes his hand. Evan's ecstatic. OLIVE The sad thing is, Evan, if you had been a gentleman and asked me out on a date, I probably would have said yes. EVAN Really? Do you want to go on a date? With zero vitriol -- 60. OLIVE Not now, I don't. Sad for him, she walks away. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE Evan, if you're watching this - shame on you. I hope you never treat another girl the way you treated me or you will die alone, wishing it was because you're fat. And since we're playing the shame game... While I appreciate the sentiment, Lewis, a pretend hand job should have warranted a little more than a hundred dollars worth of AMC Movie Passes. They had an expiration date AND were only able to be used for movies that had been running for two weeks. But even that's better than Tyler Jennings, who gave me a ten percent off coupon to Bath and Body Works. Seriously. A fucking coupon. Is that how good my imaginary blow job was to you? Huh? Is chivalry dead? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I want Richard Gere climbing up my fire escape with the limo waiting downstairs. I want to ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. Although, I'm ashamed to admit I'd prefer him to look like he looks now. What woman wouldn't? But no. I get to save two fifty on a bottle of Juniper Breeze Hand Lotion. Maybe chivalry isn't dead, but it's in a coma and the prognosis isn't good. (Beat.) So, if you're still with me - and I'm guessing that most of you are - I now present to you Part Four: How I, Olive Penderghast, Went From Assumed Trollop To an Actual Home- wrecker. 61. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Mr. Griffin is alone grading papers. Olive pokes her head in. OLIVE You wanted to see me? MR. GRIFFIN Yeah, Olive. Come cop a squat. She takes a seat opposite his desk. He points to the RED "A" on her chest. MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) What are you doing? OLIVE Accessorizing? MR. GRIFFIN Olive, Olive, Olive. Do you think that maybe you're reading a little too much into this assignment? OLIVE Well, I'm really hoping to get an A. (She points to her chest) Get it? Get it? MR. GRIFFIN I'm hearing things. She takes a deep breath. OLIVE The rumors are true. I am, in fact, considering becoming an existentialist. MR. GRIFFIN You know what I'm talking about. OLIVE Geez, since when did teachers become privy to idle, adolescent gossip? MR. GRIFFIN I guess it wouldn't matter so much if I didn't like you. You're a great girl and I happen to think that all of (MORE) 62. MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) (Indicating her outfit) `this' is just an act. I'm just curious why you're doing it. Olive drops her defenses and gets real. OLIVE Have you ever decided just to play along? Because it's maybe easier than fighting tooth-and-nail to defend it? MR. GRIFFIN I just don't want to see this (He searches for the word) damage you. OLIVE You know, I think you should give me extra credit for going the extra mile. I'm really attempting to understand this puritanical ostracism. Mr. Griffin smiles at her. MR. GRIFFIN Hey, I'm really sorry I had to send you to the Principal. If you tell anybody, I'll deny it, but I really wanted to cheer with the rest of the class. OLIVE (SMILING; INNOCENTLY) You know I won't tell. She gets up and leaves, but passes in the doorway, a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. OLIVE (CONT'D) (To the woman) Hey Mrs. Griffin. Pretending to know who she is -- MRS. GRIFFIN Hi! How are you? OLIVE (Pointing to the `A') A is for Awesome. Olive disappears into the empty halls. 63. MRS. GRIFFIN I've never seen that girl before in my life. MR. GRIFFIN That doesn't surprise me. MRS. GRIFFIN I'm the guidance counselor. I should know all of the students. Especially the ones dressed like that. He kisses her. MR. GRIFFIN She's just going through a phase. (He gets an idea) Hey, do you think you could talk to her? Maybe you could get her to -- I dunno - MRS. GRIFFIN Sure. Yeah, whatever. Oh wait! That's not the girl that everyone's talking about, is it? MR. GRIFFIN `Fraid so. MRS. GRIFFIN Oh, this'll be good. That snotty office aid has been bitching about her incessantly. MR. GRIFFIN It's all lies. Talk to her. Maybe that's all she needs. MRS. GRIFFIN What are you making for dinner tonight? MR. GRIFFIN Is it my turn? MRS. GRIFFIN Sure is. I'm meeting up with the girls at happy hour. MR. GRIFFIN Don't have too much fun. 64. MRS. GRIFFIN I never do. He kisses her. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Assembled in a semi-circle, a handful of WELL-DRESSED CHRISTIAN KIDS open their meeting of the CROSS YOUR HEART CLUB with prayer. Marianne, of course, leads them in this ritual. Nina is also present. MARIANNE Heavenly Father, watch over us with Your all-encompassing love. Keep us on the path toward Your righteousness and eternal salvation. They all smile, say `AMEN' and open their eyes. MARIANNE (CONT'D) Guys. We have a problem. NINA Amen to THAT. MARIANNE Olive Penderghast. We need to pray for her, but we also need to get rid of her. I'm sure, by now, you've all heard about what happened at Melanie Bostic's party. CHRISTIAN KID #1 I was there. I heard the whole thing. Marianne eyes him, suspiciously. MARIANNE That's not something you need to advertise, Kurt. KURT (SHEEPISHLY) Sorry. MARIANNE See, herein lies the problem: She's doing these tasteless, immoral acts in plain view of the entire student body. (MORE) 65. MARIANNE (CONT'D) She's in direct opposition to everything we're trying to do for this school, which is make it a wholesome learning environment and a place where our children will one day flourish the way that we are. (Beat.) She was sent to the Principal's office last week -- NINA (INTERRUPTING) She called me a really hurtful name. MARIANNE -- and I tried to witness to her, but she's defiant to any sort of help. She tears up. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I don't know what to do, but something's got to be done. Her boyfriend, MICAH (17) takes her hand and holds it. She leans against his shoulder, wiping away tears. Nina, on the other side of her, begins rubbing her shoulder, sympathetically. MARIANNE (CONT'D) Does anybody here think that they can talk to her in a way that might get her to see that what she's doing is wrong? She suddenly bursts into sobs. (And these aren't crocodile tears. She is flooded with emotion.) MARIANNE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. This is so stupid. MICAH No, it's not, Marianne. She wipes her tears away. MARIANNE Jesus tells us to love everyone. Even the whores and the homosexuals, but it's so hard. (MORE) 66. MARIANNE (CONT'D) It's so hard, because they just keep doing `it' over and over again. She takes Micah and Nina's hands, the rest of the group follows suit. MARIANNE (CONT'D) Make me a promise. Make GOD a promise right here and now that we will remain pure and chaste until marriage. (Looking to Micah) Until our love is proven holy in His eyes. ALL We promise. MARIANNE Let's continue to pray for Olive Penderghast. That either she sees that what she's doing is a sin and changes her behavior or that she gets the hell out of our school. They all squeeze hands and Marianne manages a smile. MARIANNE (CONT'D) Awww, I love you guys. God loves you guys. EXT. PARKING LOT - BARBARA BUSH HIGH - DAY Marianne gives Micah a strictly PG-rated kiss against his car. They're nauseatingly wholesome. INT. FRONT OFFICE - NEXT DAY Olive is sitting in the office, dressed just as slutty as the day before. A RED "A" sewn onto her top. Marianne is behind the desk, sharpening pencils. After each one, she observes the point with a scary satisfaction. They exchange a few hateful glances at each other. Mrs. Griffin pokes her head out of her office. MRS. GRIFFIN Hey Olive. Wanna come in? 67. Olive, in no mood for this, drags herself up dramatically and follows Mrs. Griffin into -- INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Mrs. Griffin sits behind her desk and Olive sits opposite her. MRS. GRIFFIN So, the reason I called you down here is just so that we could - sort of, y'know - chat about what's going on. (Beat.) There's been some concern from faculty members. OLIVE (CORRECTING HER) Your husband. Mrs. Griffin shifts uncomfortably in her chair. There's something a little unnerving about this kid's awareness. MRS. GRIFFIN Olive, you're attempting to make a statement. We get that. I'm just confused as to what exactly it is. OLIVE Am I in trouble? I promise the hem of my dress isn't higher than my fingertips. MRS. GRIFFIN You're not in trouble, Olive. I just wanted you to know that if there was something you maybe needed to talk about, that you could trust me. OLIVE If I open up to you, do you promise this stays in confidence? MRS. GRIFFIN Yes. OLIVE (CONFESSIONAL) I watch `American Idol.' Do NOT tell anyone. 68. Mrs. Griffin rolls her eyes. OLIVE (CONT'D) I have a reputation to uphold. MRS. GRIFFIN Don't you, though? Olive assesses this statement from her. OLIVE We done? If I can think of any angsty things to report, you'll be the first to know. She winks at her. OLIVE (CONT'D) This has been so much fun that I'm actually - at this very moment - considering meth addiction, just so I can come back and we can jaw some more. MRS. GRIFFIN (BITINGLY) Or you could always get pregnant? OLIVE I'm probably closer than either of us thinks... Mrs. Griffin digs in her purse and pulls out a handful of CONDOMS. Feigning excitement -- OLIVE (CONT'D) Propho-tastic! MRS. GRIFFIN Please don't tell anyone I gave you these. The school board is -- OLIVE Puritanical and oppressive? MRS. GRIFFIN Conservative. Olive sees that Mrs. Griffin is genuinely concerned. OLIVE I don't need those. 69. MRS. GRIFFIN (STERNLY) But you do. Olive starts to confess, but then just takes the rubbers and puts them in her own purse. OLIVE Thank you. MRS. GRIFFIN Remember: our little secret. And, hey, would you send in the next person? Mrs. Griffin smiles at Olive as she leaves. INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS Marianne is talking to Micah, who seems distressed. He rubs his eyes, like he's been crying. Olive is surprised to see him there. OLIVE You're up, hoss. MARIANNE (Concerned; To Micah) It's going to be okay. She gives him a reassuring smile and he walks into her office. OLIVE (TO MARIANNE) Let me guess: drugs. Marianne gives her a `go away' look. OLIVE (CONT'D) I didn't know Christians believed in guidance counsellors. (Beat.) Ooo! Ooo! Is your boyfriend struggling with his sexuality? Marianne begins crying. MARIANNE No, you insensitive rhymes-with- witch! His parents are going THROUGH A (MORE) 70. MARIANNE (CONT'D) (WHISPERED) divorce! She begins sobbing uncontrollably. Olive, not sure what to do, goes around the counter and hugs her. Marianne just cries on her shoulder. OLIVE It's okay, Marianne. (Not sure what to say) Sometimes our boyfriend's parents get divorced. It's just important to know that it's not your fault. MARIANNE (Through her tears) They go to our church! Imagine what people will say! Olive didn't expect this embrace to last this long. OLIVE I have to go now. Are you going to be okay? Into Olive's shoulder -- MARIANNE Mrs. Griffin is going to fix everything. She's amazing. I know that she's going to help Micah through this time and everything's going to be okay. OLIVE Yeah. Everything's going to be okay. Marianne pulls away and wipes tears from her eyes. MARIANNE Why are you being so nice to me? OLIVE Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Hey, it's your boss's rules. This triggers even more wails from Marianne , who grabs Olive and squeezes her tightly. MARIANNE I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for everything I said. (MORE) 71. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I want to be friends. PLEASE. PLEASE be my friend. Olive is really confused by this display and is about to say something snide, but thinks better of it and replies with a very heartfelt -- OLIVE Absolutely. Marianne pulls away again and manages to smile at her, warmly. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) And for a day, we were actually really good friends. I was really starting to think that things were going to turn around. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins. OLIVE (V.O.) But then I unwittingly gave her boyfriend a venerial disease... Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks. It's the slap heard `round the school. INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office. Tear-streaked, Mrs. Griffin is packing her things into a cardboard box. It's as if her world has just collapsed. OLIVE (V.O.) ...And caused the break-up of Mr. and Mrs. Griffin... MRS. GRIFFIN (SNAPPING) What?! What do you want? Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even look at her. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) Just go! 72. She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart. Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave. EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school, with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on wooden stakes that say things like: EXPEL OLIVE! EXODUS 20:14 SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE Rhi is among them, as riled up as any. OLIVE (V.O.) So, I guess I shouldn't be too shocked that these people wanted my diseased, home-wrecking ass out of there. The scene is a maelstrom of anger and piety. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive laughs. OLIVE The funny thing is: the whole time this shit was going down - people calling me something I knew wasn't true, my best friend included - I couldn't help but think how I could have come up with better signs. No one even bothered to use alliteration or, God forbid, irony - not even a single acronym - and that seems a lot more unforgivable than my sins. 73. INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY Olive enters a Catholic Church. It's empty, but there are a few CANDLES burning. She sees the CONFESSIONAL BOOTH and makes a beeline toward it. She takes a deep breath and enters. INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CONTINUOUS She sits down and begins to talk to the screen. OLIVE Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I think that's how you're supposed to start these things. I'm only going on what I've seen in the movies. Then, I think I'm supposed to tell you how long it's been since my last confession, but that's kind of my first confession. I'm not Catholic. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do, except sit here in this booth and tell you what I've done wrong. Where do I even start? (Beat.) I've been pretending to be a -- how would one phrase it in Catholic words? A harlot. It's not like I've actually been doing the things that people are saying I'm doing, but - then again - I'm not denying them, so I've just been wondering: is that wrong? There's a lot of shi -- `crap' going down at my school which may or may not be indirectly because of this masquerade. (Beat.) I'm lying. I may have caused the end of a marriage. I thought, in my own perverse way, that I could help it. I mean, in my defense, I am merely an adolescent. I should never have been propositioned in the way I was propositioned by an adult. But then again, I should never have consented. It was just that a lot of people had been asking me to do things and I thought it was okay, because it wasn't real. (MORE) 74. OLIVE (CONT'D) It was make-believe and no one was getting hurt. But a lot of people hate me now. I kind of hate me, too. There's a long silence. Olive tears up and wipes them away. OLIVE (CONT'D) I could be wrong, but aren't you supposed to say something or ask me questions. Tell me to say `Hail Marys'? Hello? She looks through the screen. There's no one there. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh, come on! She throws the curtain to the booth open and stomps out. EXT. CATHEDRAL PARKING LOT - DAY Olive, upset at herself, gets into her car and drives off. But just a few blocks down the street to -- EXT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS She parks her car and gets out to try a different denomination. INT. CHURCH OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Olive enters to find a SWEET, PORTLY RECEPTIONIST (50's) searching through RELIGIOUS CLIP-ART on her COMPUTER, attempting to find the perfect image for the church newsletter. The lady smiles, acknowledging Olive. OLIVE Hi. I was wondering if the minister was around. RECEPTIONIST Pastor McGreevey is on vacation this week. But our associate pastor is in. Would you like to speak to him? For her own entertainment, Olive matches the receptionist's enthusiasm level. 75. OLIVE Actually, that would be fantastic! RECEPTIONIST Can I tell him what this is regarding? OLIVE Absolutely. I'm looking for a church to join and I thought he might be able to sell me on this fine establishment. The receptionist joyfully snatches up the phone. RECEPTIONIST Don, there's a young lady here who would like to speak with you about joining. She listens and then hangs up. RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D) (Pointing to an office) You can go right in. OLIVE If everyone here is as friendly as you, I think we might be in business. She winks at the receptionist and enters -- INT. ASSOCIATE PASTOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (40's) is a gangly, unattractive - borderline creepy - man. He invites Olive to have a seat. ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON Hello there, young lady. My name is Don. He extends his hand, which she shakes politely. ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (CONT'D) How can I help you today? OLIVE I'm new to the area. Looking for a church - hopefully something with a strong fellowship, a firm foot in the soil of... (MORE) 76. OLIVE (CONT'D) divinity and was wondering what your church's stance on lying and adultery was? Don seems taken aback by the question. ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON Well. It's not a good thing. OLIVE Oh, I agree. Wholeheartedly. But tell me: assuming there is a hell -- ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON Ma'am, the Presbyterian Church recognizes the existence of hell. OLIVE Right. Okay. Let's say hell exists. Which is worse - lying or adultery? Or is lying about adultery like a double whammy? ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON I'm sorry, ma'am, I -- What did you say your name was? At that moment, Olive looks at his desk and sees a FRAMED FAMILY PHOTO. Smiling big are Associate Pastor Don, his wife, A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA and his lovely DAUGHTER -- MARIANNE BRYANT. She jumps up from her chair and recoils at the sight of the picture and the stupid mistake she made by coming there. OLIVE You know what. I think I'm just going to go and check out Judaism. Backing up toward the door. OLIVE (CONT'D) The Jews and I have a lot in common. Fashion-wise. And stuff. So, thank you for your time. She bolts from his office. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive speaks into her webcam -- 77. OLIVE Yes. I had unwittingly sought advice from the father of the leader of my lynch mob. Who else can say that's happened to them? (Beat.) As much as I want to say I hate Marianne. I don't. I get her. Well, I get certain things about her. She's passionate. Like myself. She always thinks she's right. Like myself. And, yeah, I can kind of understand why she slapped me that day. Here's what happened... INT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY Marianne, excitedly, runs over to Olive who is just getting to school and throws her arms around her. OLIVE (V.O.) Remember how I said that we were BFFs for, like, a day. Well, that's true. It was like we were sisters all of a sudden. Marianne can't seem to break the embrace and Olive just goes with it. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Olive sits in class. Marianne passes a note back to her. OLIVE (V.O.) She wrote me a note in first period. Olive reads it. It says: Hey girlie! You wanna hang out after school today? Kisses! Marianne Marianne looks back and Olive gives her the thumbs up. Across the room, Rhi sees this exchange and sneers. INT. CHEMISTRY LAB - LATER Marianne is working with her partner, Evan. She turns to Olive behind them and makes a gagging signal behind his back and laughs silently. 78. OLIVE (V.O.) By second period, it was like we had private jokes. Olive, unaware of how to respond, gives another thumbs up. INT. HOME EC CLASSROOM - LATER Olive sees Marianne come into class, tear-streaked. She runs over to Olive and again throws her arms around her. OLIVE (V.O.) Tragedy struck in third period. MARIANNE Micah's in the hospital. He's in so much pain! The nurse didn't know what was wrong. Olive just holds her new friend, as she had the day before. OLIVE He'll be okay. MARIANNE (Tears glistening in her EYES) Really? Olive guides Marianne's head back to her shoulder. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Marianne's boyfriend, Micah, writhes in pain on a hospital bed, clutching his crotch. His worried MOTHER (40's) is beside him, clutching her chest with one hand and trying to soothe him with the other. MICAH It hurts so bad. A DOCTOR enters, with a satisfied smile and a diagnosis. DOCTOR Chlamydia. Micah and his mother both look up in shock. His mother takes both of her hands and begins slapping him, uncontrollably. 79. MICAH'S MOTHER How did you get chlamydia? Who have you been sleeping with? Tell me! TELL ME! Micah, in pain from the burning sensation and his mother's hands flying at astonishing speed shouts out: MICAH Olive! Olive Penderghast! His mother's face fills with satisfaction. INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER Micah's mother is on her cell phone. MICAH'S MOTHER (ANGRILY) Olive Penderghast. She folds her phone up and slips it into her purse. INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS The woman on the other end of the phone -- A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA -- who we've seen in the Bryant family photo, hangs up. Only this time, her smile is a disgusted grimace. She picks up the phone and dials a number. She is, animatedly, talking to the person on the other end of the line, while Olive narrates. OLIVE (V.O.) Fourth period was when Marianne had office duty. Her duties included typing, stapling, filing and -- INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY Marianne is on the phone, listening, with mouth agape. Undoubtedly, she's just heard from her mother that her boyfriend has chlamydia. OLIVE (V.O.) -- answering the phones. MARIANNE CHLAMYDIA!! 80. She screams so loud that Mrs. Griffin comes out of her office, a panicked expression on her face. INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Seething, Marianne's mother says into the phone -- A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA Olive Penderghast. She hears a slam and then a dial tone. INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Marianne clutches the phone in the cradle with enough force that it looks like the receiver will shatter in her hands. Mrs. Griffin looks worried. MRS. GRIFFIN Are you okay, hon? Like a teapot about to start expelling steam, Marianne quivers in rage. Finally, at boiling point, she shouts -- MARIANNE THAT -- But her long string of profanities is muffled by the long ringing of the school bell. Mrs. Griffin is taken aback by Marianne's umbrage. As we saw before -- INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins. OLIVE (V.O.) Okay, I exaggerated. We were just BFFs for, like, a half-a-day. Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks. OLIVE (CONT'D) (Clutching her face) MutherFUCKer! 81. Rhi, who was loading books in her locker, sees this and happily slams her locker shut. Breezing past her -- RHIANNON My sentiments exactly... OLIVE (SNIDELY) Oh, grow up! But Rhi keeps on walking. EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY Micah's on his cell phone, anxiously talking to someone - checking every few seconds to see if his mom is on her way out. MICAH (Into the cell phone) I didn't know what to say! I panicked! I said I got it from Olive Penderghast. (Pause.) I know, but what was I supposed to say?! And then my mom called her mom. (Pause.) No, not Olive's. Marianne's! (Pause.) I already tried to blame it on their divorce, but my mom's not buying it. I have to tell them. (Pause.) Okay. But I love you. I don't care if you gave me chlamydia. I LOVE YOU and I want to be with you and no one can stop us. Not my mother, not Marianne, not -- There's a dial tone. INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Mrs. Griffin has just hung up on her teenage lover and begins freaking out. She grabs a cardboard box and begins throwing items into it. Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office and sees Mrs. Griffin packing her things. As we saw before -- 82. MRS. GRIFFIN (SNAPPING) What?! What do you want? Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even look at her. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) Just go! She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart. Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave -- -- and then feels awkward. OLIVE I'm sorry, I was just looking for Marianne. Did she say something about being mad at me? She just smacked the shi -- `crap' out of me. This makes Mrs. Griffin cry even harder. She attempts to pull herself together. MRS. GRIFFIN It's my fault. I'm so sorry, Olive. Olive looks at her, quizzically. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) (SOTTO VOCE) I fucked up. I fucking fucked up SO fucking bad. I'm a fucking.... Fuck. OLIVE Don't get me wrong. I love it, but I don't think you're supposed to use those words around a student. MRS. GRIFFIN Yeah, well, you're not to supposed to fuck them, either. But it didn't stop me. Olive puts two and two together in her head. She gasps a little louder than she planned. 83. OLIVE You and -- Oh my God. I'm not judging you or anything, but oh my God. (SWITCHING GEARS) Wait. What does that have to do with me? Mrs. Griffin walks over and locks her office door. She fights back more tears, as she tries to explain to Olive. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) My guidance counselor, who had only days before armed me with a latex bulletproof vest, told me that she had chlamydia and that she had been screwing around with her office aide's boyfriend under the guise of divorce counseling. She confided in me that she and her husband - my favorite teacher - were having marital problems, that they hadn't slept together in months. She assured me that she had never meant for anything to happen with Micah. She confessed to me how when she was a child she always dreamt of being Maria Von Trapp, not Mary Kay Letorneau. Micah had panicked and used me as a scapegoat - to save her job and her marriage. She assured me that she would make sure everyone knew the truth and apologized. Mrs. Griffin stops talking and waits for Olive to speak. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) And I bought it. Olive gives her a reassuring smile, steps up to the plate and offers up a solution. OLIVE (CONT'D) I could have chlamydia. And I could easily have given it to Micah. That time we slept together. Who knows? Often times women don't have symptoms and I have been whoring around.... MRS. GRIFFIN No you haven't. 84. Olive looks at her, puzzled by her knowledge. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) (LOOKING AWAY) Because a real whore can't admit it to herself, let alone others. She begins to weep. Olive puts her hand on Mrs. Griffin's shoulder. OLIVE Call Micah. Tell him I said he's an asshole and that he owes me SO big for this and also the time I pretended not to see him during a third grade game of hide and seek. Tell him I still remember that. But tell him that I confessed to giving him chlamydia. Mrs. Griffin grabs Olive and cries on her. OLIVE (CONT'D) And it's not really my place to say this, but I figure after the conversation we just had, I can speak candidly. Your husband is HOT and while the male adolescent can fuck like a bunny... who really wants to fuck a bunny? If I was you, I'd go home and seduce him and pretend this never happened. Olive strokes her guidance counselor's hair. MRS. GRIFFIN (SNIVELING) Do you want some more condoms? OLIVE (MATERNALLY) No, you keep them. She strokes her hair. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE So, really how could I be angry at Marianne? (MORE) 85. OLIVE (CONT'D) Dude, if some bimbo gave MY boyfriend an STD, I'd have swung, but I'd have balled my fist. (WHIMSICALLY) My boyfriend. (She gets lost in the THOUGHT) With all the mythical play I was getting, it's a wonder - and probably a miracle - that I still hadn't actually been asked out on a real date. Guys were clamoring to claim that they'd slept with me, but no one was putting the real moves on me. Until finally... EXT. PLAYGROUND - YEARS BEFORE Two LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS (Olive and Rhiannon) chase a LITTLE BOY all over the playground, desperate to kiss him. They plot and plan to corner him, but he's just too fast. OLIVE (V.O.) It was really Rhiannon who had a crush on him. She has since we were kids. Rhiannon finally catches him and kiss him on the cheek. Repulsed, he wipes his face. Rhiannon and Olive high five each other. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Olive eats her lunch and yuks it up with a table full of guys. Rhiannon sits at a different table, mostly comprised of girls, and glares at her from across the room. The bell rings and the students begin getting up and making their way toward the exit. Anson (who we saw earlier with Rhiannon in the hallways) approaches Olive. ANSON Hey Olive. Olive smiles sweetly at him. 86. ANSON (CONT'D) I was wondering if you were busy tonight. Maybe wanna go out or something? OLIVE (SUSPICIOUS) What did you have in mind? ANSON I dunno. I was thinking about chartering a hot air balloon, taking along a bottle of champagne and fresh fruit and then trying to impress you with an overzealous reading of Emily Dickinson. OLIVE (COYLY) Why, Anson, are you inviting me to accompany you to a romantic dinner at the Red Lobster? ANSON Unequivocally. OLIVE (IMPRESSED) Nice. Yeah. I'll have dinner with you. Olive walks off INT. RED LOBSTER - NIGHT Olive and Anson sit in a booth at a dimly-lit RED LOBSTER. Olive looks beautiful. The `A' on her shirt is sequined. OLIVE I can't believe you brought me to the nicest restaurant in town. This is swank. I was beginning to think that there was no such thing as class. ANSON Yeah. What's better than getting to select your dinner and have nice conversation while they boil it alive in the back? 87. OLIVE I think Anson Jr. doesn't mind making the sacrifice. You don't mind that I named him Anson Jr., do you? ANSON Not at all. I'm actually kind of honored. OLIVE Do you believe this whole thing about lobster being an aphrodisiac? ANSON (Lying out his ass) I didn't know it was. OLIVE Y'know, medical science has not substantiated claims that any particular food increases sexual desire or performance. It's so funny when guys ply women with food that they think is gonna get them laid. I mean, what's really sexy about slurping back oysters? You know, native people believed that you gained the strength of the animal by consuming it. Some people grind up rhinoceros horn, because it's thought to stiffen the male sex organ. It's all bullshit. And spanish fly? It's pulverized beetle that people eat! Although, it's illegal for human consumption in the United States and do you know why? Because if you take just a bit too much, it causes painful urination, fever and bloody discharge. A SERVER appears with their LOBSTER. Anson is an odd shade of green from Olive's little science lesson. OLIVE (CONT'D) Yum! The server leaves them and Olive digs in. Anson is feeling nauseous and can't touch his. From across the restaurant, a PARADE OF SERVERS enters from the back, enthusiastically clapping and holding a cupcake. 88. Leading the brigade is Meerkat Todd, who's wearing a RED FOAM LOBSTER HAT. With as much spirit, as he has as a meerkat -- MEERKAT TODD I don't know but I've been told! PARADE OF SERVERS I don't know but I've been told! He leads them through to another part of the restaurant. OLIVE (TO ANSON) I didn't know Meerkat Todd worked here! And he's a lobster! I wonder if I should start calling him Lobster Todd. MEERKAT TODD Marguerite is getting old! PARADE OF SERVERS Marguerite is getting old! They land at the table of the birthday girl. Olive cranes her neck to see -- Rhiannon, miserable of course, sitting with her parents at a table in the next room. Olive immediately becomes uneasy. OLIVE Shit! MEERKAT TODD The best thing is her dessert is free! PARADE OF SERVERS The best thing is her dessert is free! MEERKAT TODD The worst thing is I sing off-key! PARADE OF SERVERS The worst thing is I sing off-key! Olive is visibly squirming in her seat. MEERKAT TODD Sound off! 89. PARADE OF SERVERS Happy! MEERKAT TODD Sound off! PARADE OF SERVERS Birthday! MEERKAT TODD Sound off! PARADE OF SERVERS Happy birthday to you! The whole place applauds, unenthusiastically. Anson sees Olive's discomfort. ANSON What's wrong? OLIVE Rhiannon's over there. ANSON So? OLIVE So? She's been in love with you since the first grade. ANSON So? OLIVE Well, she's my best friend. ANSON I thought you two weren't speaking. OLIVE We're not, but it doesn't mean I should be out with you. ANSON Then why are you? OLIVE I don't know. You asked me out? ANSON Exactly. I have no interest in her. I mean, we're friends, but -- 90. OLIVE She can't see us. ANSON (DISAPPOINTED) Do you want me to get the check? OLIVE (TOUCHED) Would you mind? He gestures for the server who appears. ANSON Could we get our check? SERVER (CONFUSED) Is everything okay? OLIVE I just remembered I'm allergic to shellfish. I always forget that my respiratory system would collapse and I'd die. It sucks I know. Even more confused, the server obliges and gives them their check. OLIVE (CONT'D) (Digging in her purse) Let me get it. I have a gift certificate. She pulls it out and hands it to the waitress, who leaves. ANSON But I asked you out. OLIVE And I ruined it, so let me bear the financial brunt. (Beat.) I'm so sorry about this. But she really likes you. ANSON She and I just don't have much in common. OLIVE And you and I do? 91. ANSON I think so. For instance, I, too think Nina Howell's a twat. OLIVE Yeah, well, if that's our magical connection, I should date the entire school. ANSON Haven't you? Olive suddenly becomes self-conscious and a little bit pissed. ANSON (CONT'D) Kidding! OLIVE Yeah, about that -- The server reappears with the check. SERVER You have a remaining balance of fourteen dollars and thirty six cents. OLIVE Keep it. Tip. The sever smiles and leaves them again. ANSON Let's get out of here. They duck out of the booth trying to keep their heads down, but Olive can't resist the urge to look up and see if Rhiannon sees them. She does. Olive and Rhiannon make eye contact. Whereas, Olive looks remorseful, Rhiannon looks like she's just been stabbed in the back -- which she has. The Abernathys see her, as well, and wave. It's painfully obvious to Olive that Rhi hasn't told her parents about their differences. She starts to go over, but Rhiannon's face is turning vermillion in anger. Olive just waves, sheepishly and leaves with Anson. 92. I/E. ANSON'S CAR - RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER Olive's face is painted with guilt. She feels like shit, but doesn't want to externalize it. Anson puts his hand on her knee. ANSON I have something for you. Olive manages a smile. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $500 GIFT CERTIFICATE to ANTHROPOLOGIE and hands it to her. Olive is disappointed, but tries not to show it. OLIVE Oh. I didn't realize -- Snapping out of her guilt. OLIVE (CONT'D) Okay. So, what did we "do" on this date? ANSON Whatever $500 gets me. He leans over and kisses her. She pushes him off. OLIVE Wait. This isn't how it works. I don't actually -- But he's kissing her again, a little too forcibly. She pushes him off again. OLIVE (CONT'D) You don't get it. I'm not technically having sex with people for money. You know that, right? Besides, even if I was, we're in the parking lot of a Red Lobster. ANSON We can go wherever you want, but I think it would be kind of hot here. He takes off his shirt. OLIVE Dude, I gotta go. It's been -- sad. 93. She gets out of the car. He rolls down the window. ANSON Olive, you're being stupid. I'll take you home. OLIVE No thanks. He drives off, leaving her outside in the parking lot. OLIVE (CONT'D) Fuck. As luck would have it, Meerkat Todd, is coming out the back exit. He sees her and gives her a surprised, toothy grin. MEERKAT TODD Hey Olive! OLIVE Hey Todd. MEERKAT TODD What are you doing here? OLIVE Oh, I'm just hanging out in the parking lot. I do that sometimes. Not necessarily just here. The one outside of Applebee's is fun, too. MEERKAT TODD (Laughing at her oddness) You want a ride somewhere? OLIVE Nah. I'm fine. MEERKAT TODD Your friend Rhi is inside. It's her Mom's birthday. Tears begin to glisten in Olive's eyes. OLIVE She's not my friend anymore. Todd walks over and puts his arm around her and leads her to his car. He opens the door for her and she sits down. 94. I/E. MEERKAT TODD'S CAR - NIGHT Olive is trying to pull herself together but she can't stop crying as Todd drives her home. Todd doesn't know what to say to her. Finally -- MEERKAT TODD You wanna talk about it? OLIVE What's to say? I'm a horrible person. Everyone thinks I'm a whore and, for the first time, I'm starting to believe it. MEERKAT TODD Huh? OLIVE Oh, don't act like you don't know what people are saying about me. MEERKAT TODD I know what people are saying. Doesn't mean I believe them. OLIVE Why not? MEERKAT TODD Olive, contrary to popular belief, I'm not an idiot. I know exactly what's going on and I know exactly what you're doing. She stops crying. OLIVE Who told you? MEERKAT TODD No one had to tell me. All I know is once upon a time, there was a scared little kid in a closet at a party who wasn't ready for his first kiss and there was this amazing little girl who lied for him. She smiles through her tears. OLIVE You remember that? 95. MEERKAT TODD Yeah and after I ran out, you pulled Brandon in. Yeah, I know about that, by the way. OLIVE And look how he turned out. MEERKAT TODD Sometimes I still pretend you were my first kiss. OLIVE (LAUGHING) Yeah? Who was? MEERKAT TODD Your friend. Rhiannon. Olive's laughter turns to rage. OLIVE What!? MEERKAT TODD Yeah. About a year later. It sucked. OLIVE (Blurting it out) She knew how I felt about you! MEERKAT TODD How do you feel about me? OLIVE (IGNORING HIM) She did it first! And here I am feeling SOOOO bad and THAT BITCH! MEERKAT TODD Wait. How do you feel about me? OLIVE (AGGRESSIVELY DEFENSIVE) Felt! I said FELT! MEERKAT TODD (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. He stops the car. They're at her house. 96. OLIVE (Off his look) I mean, it's not that I don't still feel that way. There's an awkward moment between them. MEERKAT TODD Olive. If I promise not to tell anyone, could I kiss you? Despite the fact that this is positively the most romantic moment of her young life, Olive looks down. OLIVE No. Not tonight. I don't want you to kiss me when mascara's running down my cheek or some shithead has forced his tongue down my throat only a half-hour ago. I've wanted to kiss you since the eighth grade, but I want it to be perfect. And right now, my life's a mess. I need to get it under control before I drag you into it. MEERKAT TODD What if I told you I wanted to be dragged into it? Maybe I could help. He holds out his hand and she takes it. OLIVE Now I have a reason to fix this catastrophe I've brought upon myself. And I'm going to. MEERKAT TODD Okay. He smiles his goofy grin and she embraces him. She hops out of the car and goes to her front door. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into her webcam -- OLIVE You see, now I had a reason for things to go back to the way that they were. (MORE) 97. OLIVE (CONT'D) The truth needed to be told and I knew I had to go the one person who could help me. The one person I could count on to set the story straight. Brandon. I'd helped him and, even though it would destroy his new reputation for being a stud, I knew he would help me. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Filling the frame, a GOSSIPY GIRL in braces says -- GOSSIPY GIRL Oh my God, did you hear that Brandon ran away from home? Yeah. Totally. He left his parents a note that said: `Eff you, I'm gay.' And then he skipped town with a big, hulking black guy. We spin around to see Olive's stunned reaction. OLIVE (TO HERSELF) My apologies to Mark Twain. GOSSIPY GIRL Huh? The reality of the situation begins to weigh on her. OLIVE Nothing. Defeated, Olive makes her way through the crowded halls. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) It gets worse. Due to his `condition,' Micah was sent on an extended visit to his grandparents in Mississippi. INT. STUFFY OLD HOUSE IN MISSISSIPPI - DAY Micah, beyond miserable, sits between his STERN GRANDPARENTS, who read the Bible to him. 98. OLIVE (V.O.) No telephone, no television, no computer, no internet and - most importantly - no diseased sexual partners. Micah settles in for a very long visit. INT. UNDER THE BLEACHERS - GYM - DAY Where they had previously met, Olive pleads with Evan. OLIVE (V.O.) I went to everyone I'd helped and begged them to say it wasn't true. EVAN No way. I gave you money. OLIVE Please, Evan. He walks off, leaving her alone. INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY Olive waits for Mrs. Griffin's response. There's a long moment of contemplation on Mrs. Griffin's part. Then -- MRS. GRIFFIN Olive, life is full of choices. I made a bad one. But then, so did you. We both acted unwisely, but I don't see any other alternative than to live with the guilt. My guilt stems from my indiscretion, yours for lying. We've made our choices. Now, we have to ride them out. OLIVE (Pissed as hell) Or I could just tell everyone THE TRUTH. MRS. GRIFFIN Fine, Olive. Let's play the `who do you believe' game. But, first, ask yourself, if you were an adult, who would you believe? 99. OLIVE With all due respect, Mrs. Griffin, you're a fucking cunt. MRS. GRIFFIN Because you helped me once, I'm not going to report that to Principal Gibbons. Now, we're even. They're locked in a Mexican standoff. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) You can go now. Furious, Olive throws the door open and exits. INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY Mr. Griffin is erasing the blackboard, when Olive storms into the room. OLIVE Your wife has chlamydia and she's been sleeping with a student and she gave it to him and now she's trying to blame me. Shocked, Mr. Griffin drops the eraser. MR. GRIFFIN What? The gravity of what she's just done sinks in and she stumbles. OLIVE I -- I'm sorry. I -- Not knowing what to say, she runs from his classroom. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive is mirthless, as she proceeds with her story. OLIVE Looking back, that's the thing I regret the most. That's the thing that sent me to the church, er, churches. And that's the thing that made me realize how profoundly I'd fucked up. (MORE) 100. OLIVE (CONT'D) And that's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. With my words, even though they were true, I ended a marriage. No kid should have to be burdened with that. She contemplates this. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY As we saw before, Olive sits and plays `CONNECT FOUR' with Mr. Griffin, at his desk. Both are looking beaten down and very depressed and their minds are on everything but the game. Mr. Griffin puts his hand on Olive's. MR. GRIFFIN It's not your fault. Olive gets a tear in her eyes. She puts a RED CHIP in at the top and loses the game. She reaches over and presses the lever, causing all of the chips to fall on his desk. CUT TO: THE JENGA SET-UP There's a ridiculously tall tower of blocks and they all fall down. CUT TO: He rakes the chips and the game into his own cardboard box, full of his things. He smiles and she hugs him -- intensely, tears quickly welling up in her eyes. OLIVE I'm so sorry. MR. GRIFFIN No. It's not your fault. They just hold each other. Finally, Mr. Griffin pulls away and takes his things and starts to leave. But then he turns and says -- 101. MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) I hope that you and Todd end up okay. OLIVE Me too. Where are you going? MR. GRIFFIN Not sure yet. Away from her. OLIVE Can I come? They share one last, pained smile and he leaves. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Hearfelt, into the webcam -- OLIVE Mr. Griffin, if you ever see this, just know - I was wrong to tell you that. In that way. At all. I don't know. I shouldn't have done it. I don't feel bad for lying for your wife. But I hate myself for telling you the truth. I'm so sorry. She wipes away a tear, pulls herself together. OLIVE (CONT'D) Part Five: Not With a Whimper But With a Bang. EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY As we saw before -- The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school, with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on wooden stakes that say things like: EXPEL OLIVE! EXODUS 20:14 SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE Rhi is among them, as riled up as any. 102. Olive steps out of the school to see the demonstration. her jaw drops. OLIVE Oh fuck me. Things have gotten WAY too out of hand. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Olive cries on her bed, clutching her teddy bear. Rosemary listens, as a good mother does. OLIVE So, now everyone who knows the truth is either gone or won't fess up. The Cross Your Legs Club is demanding my head. And the messed up thing is that I wouldn't put it past Gibbons to expel me. ROSEMARY I had a similar situation when I was your age. OLIVE (IN DISBELIEF) Everyone called you a whore? ROSEMARY Yes. I had a horrible reputation and people said awful things about me. But it was true. I was a slut. Olive gives her a suspicious look. OLIVE I'm waiting for you to say (Imitating her mother) `Just kidding!' ROSEMARY (EARNESTLY) No, it's true. I slept with a whole bunch of people. OLIVE Mom! ROSEMARY Well! It was a different time. 103. OLIVE Ewwww! ROSEMARY I did. I got around. Before I met your father, I was a garden variety floozy. OLIVE Why are you telling me this? ROSEMARY Because I endured a similar lynching because of a certain dalliance. OLIVE I promise that it was no worse than Marianne Bryant's attack on me. ROSEMARY Wanna bet? It was her mother. OLIVE Wait, what? ROSEMARY Yep. Don Bryant and I got caught in a very compromising position in the locker room during a basketball game. OLIVE That's disgusting! He's disgusting! ROSEMARY He wasn't back then. He was actually pretty handsome. All I'm saying is that MAYBE the reason that Bryant girl is going after you is because her mother told her about me. OLIVE So, the sins of the mother are revisited on the daughter. ROSEMARY There's something else you should know. This is hard to say but -- Don Bryant is your father. Marianne is your sister. 104. Olive turns white. ROSEMARY (CONT'D) Kidding!! Well, about the sister thing, but not about the Don thing. That happened. Actually that happened a couple of times before we got caught. Olive punches her mother on the arm, who's laughing hysterically. OLIVE I hate you so much right now. Can't you see I'm a mess! ROSEMARY No, you're not, Olive. You're wonderful. And you're going to handle this the same way that I did. With an incontrovertible sense of humor. They embrace and Olive gets an idea. OLIVE Thanks for the pep talk, Mom. Now get out. I need to make some phone calls. Rosemary looks slightly concerned by the grin on Olive's face. INT. GYM - DAY We join a pep rally, already in progress. The DANCE TEAM attempts to rile up the school with a rousing rendition of Michael Jackson's `BAD.' In the stands, Rhi sits with Marianne and Nina. MARIANNE So, Olive wasn't at school today. She extends her palms to Nina and Rhi, who both slap them. Marianne puts her arm around Rhi. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I'm so glad you're with us now. RHIANNON Me too. You guys fucking rock. 105. MARIANNE We don't say that word, Rhiannon. NINA (HELPFULLY) Just say `effing' instead. We effing rock. Marianne nods in agreement, however Rhi is confused. RHIANNON But isn't that just implying the same word? MARIANNE Oh, Rhiannon. We have so much to teach you. It's okay to imply things. Rhiannon looks at her new best friends, who just smile at her. The song ends and there's a drum roll. RHIANNON Yay! It's time for Meerkat Todd. (SEXUALLY) I just want to rip that costume off him and -- Marianne puts her hand firmly on Rhi's knee. MARIANNE Why don't you just not talk for a while, okay hon? Rhi puts her head down. The drum roll ends and Meerkat Todd bounces out in costume. He jumps around enthusing the student body -- But then he goes out of the gym and reenters pushing a DUMPSTER. The familiar chords of the James Bond theme `Nobody Does It Better' plays from the band. Meerkat Todd opens the lid of the dumpster and Olive, dressed in a glittery and slinky RED DRESS, with a BOA draped around her bare shoulder, pops up and croons with a handheld mic and slightly different lyrics: 106. OLIVE Nobody does it better. Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it half as good as me. Baby, I'm the best. Todd lifts Olive out of the dumpster and she sings her ass off - and she's quite good. OLIVE (CONT'D) I wasn't lookin,' But somehow they found me. I tried to hide from Your love light. But like heaven above me The guys who loved me Are keepin' all my secrets safe tonight. She winks at the audience. The guys begin to wolf whistle and howl at her sheer brilliance. She begins to rub her hands seductively over Meerkat Todd's furry costume, eventually unzipping it and taking off the head to reveal: BLUE DEVIL TODD! The crowd goes wild. OLIVE (CONT'D) And nobody does it better Though sometimes I wish someone could. Nobody does it quite the way I do. Why'd I have to be so good? She saunters over to Rhi and kisses her on the cheek, leaving a big, red lip mark. OLIVE (CONT'D) The way that they hold me Whenever they hold me There's some kind of magic inside you. That keeps me from runnin', But just keep it comin'! How'd you learn to do the things you do? She sees that Gibbons is not amused, but that doesn't stop her. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh, and nobody does it better. Makes me feel sad for the rest. (MORE) 107. OLIVE (CONT'D) Nobody does it half as good as me. Baby, baby! Darlin', I'm the best! She walks over to a couple of HORN PLAYERS, and runs her fingers seductively over their (uh) instruments. The crowd goes wild - some appalled, but most enthused. Olive sashays through the crowd as the MALE TEENS scream and stuff money down her bodice. OLIVE (CONT'D) Baby you're the best! Darlin', you're the best! Baby, you're the best! The song ends and Olive takes Blue Devil Todd's hand. OLIVE (CONT'D) (To the student body) This is just a free preview. For the main event log on to www.freeolivep.com tonight at 6 p.m. Now, I know this conflicts with tonight's basketball game, but c'mon would you rather be here cheering on the Meerkats (Looking at Todd, LASCIVIOUSLY) or watch me do one. There are audible gasps, but excitement nonetheless. Gibbons angrily storms over and takes the microphone. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (Through gritted teeth) Young lady, to my office. NOW. OLIVE Yeah, I can't. I'm gonna go bang my boyfriend while the whole school watches. But good luck with the game-thing. Go Meerkats. She plods out, triumphantly. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DUSK The sun is setting as Olive speaks into her webcam. But this time, we're not seeing it through the lens, but from a different point in the room. 108. OLIVE And here you all are. Waiting outside the closet door for me to kiss Todd, listening to me pretend to have sex with Brandon, paying me to lie for you, calling probably the last virgin in school a whore. Guys. Seriously. All of a sudden -- from outside and downstairs -- James' `LAID' begins to play. Olive goes over to the window and sees Todd below, holding up a BOOMBOX (a la John Cusack) and there's a RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER (a la Patrick Dempsey) behind him. Upon seeing this, she bursts into laughter, but it couldn't be more romantic. OLIVE (CONT'D) (SHOUTING DOWN) Who told you that I loved this song? MEERKAT TODD (SHOUTING UP) I guessed. OLIVE I see you've been watching my live webcast. It's still going on, you know. MEERKAT TODD Fuck them. They've had enough of you. Well, figuratively speaking. I borrowed my neighbor's John Deere. Come down here. OLIVE That rhymed. MEERKAT TODD Intentionally. OLIVE Be right down. Olive can't get the smile off of her face as she goes back to the camera. We see her through the lens. 109. OLIVE (CONT'D) That's Todd. Not that I owe any of you any more confessions, but I'm really in love with him. And I am going to lose my virginity to him. I'm not sure when. It could happen five minutes from now or tonight or six months from now or maybe on our wedding night, but the really amazing thing is that it's nobody's business. (As an afterthought) Like, totally. She turns the camera off. EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Olive runs out of the house and tackles him, kissing him - in the front yard, in broad daylight, for the world to see. FADE OUT. OVER THE END CREDITS... EXT. GYM - NIGHT The basketball game is going on to an almost empty gymnasium. MONTAGE We see, from the perspective of their computer screens, various reactions to Olive's webcast -- -- A proud Brandon watches from a hotel room. A MUSCULAR BLACK GUY in a towel comes up behind him and kisses his neck. -- The Abernathys watch with the same demented glee they derive from watching anything. -- Mrs. Griffin watches with the face of a person who's been found out and who's days are numbered. They are. 110. -- Rhi seems contemplative. Maybe it's because she's been in love with Olive since grade school. Duh. -- Evan, the fat kid, is doing jumping jacks while watching. -- Melanie Bostic (the host of the party) watches with a group of girls. MELANIE (SATISFIED) Told you guys. Pay up. -- Marianne feels regret. But a little bit impressed. -- Mr. Griffin is proud of her. -- Micah watches in his dark bedroom. MICAH'S GRANDMOTHER (O.S.) Micah? What are you doing in there? (STERNLY) You had better not be on the sin- ternet. -- Rosemary and Dill are too busy making out to watch. -- Anson has a jar of vaseline and is ready to jerk off, but is upset that she isn't `exposing herself' in the aforementioned way. ANSON (TO HIMSELF) I thought she was going to take her clothes off. EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - HOURS LATER Olive and Todd are still kissing on the lawn underneath the stars. FADE OUT.
Ed TV ED TV by Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel Sixth Rewrite July 16,1997 This is the first eRelease for the script of the movie "Ed TV" This script was scanned, proof read and formatted by Ueli Riegg eMail: [email protected]; URL: http://studiour.tsx.org 1 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The following is shot DOCUMENTARY-STYLE. A GIRLS VOLLEYBALL GAME has just ended. It was a big game. Some kind of championship. ONE TEAM is CELEBRATING -- jumping up and down, squealing and hugging each other. We are focused on the bench of the TEAM TRAT LOST. They're very sad -- several are crying. One girl, in particular, (AMY) is really sobbing. She's sweat- stained, tired and just blubbering. Stuff's coming out of her eyes, her nose, her mouth and the camera is seeing it all. The COACH, a fortyish man looks at all the weeping girls -- Amy in particular. COACH You quit! You gave up! He KICKS a CHAIR. Now Amy is really a mess. She's crying, coughing, shaking. COACH (CONT'D) (right in Amy's face) You quit!! The Coach storms off. COACH (CONT'D) Qutters! ... Quitters! Amy is wailing and choking on her own tears. This IMAGE FREEZES. TERRY (V.O.) And that would be it. I don't think you need any narration at all. Just end it right there. REVEAL 2 INT. OFFICE - DAY BEGIN CREDITS We're in New York City. We're in the conference room of a modestly successful cable TV station called "Real TV." The people are young, energetic, clever. It's crowded, noisy -the furniture is beaten up, bulletin boards cover the walls, with large index cards all over them. This room is not for show -- work gets done here. SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE are present. One of them is CYNTHIA REED. She's the boss. TERRY (to Cynthia) What do you think? CYNTHIA It's horrible, it's depressing, I love it. What else? ALICE I want to re-pitch that pregnancy idea. Find six women early in their pregnancies and follow them all right through to the births. KEITH (negative) Yeah, when all that stuff comes out. Mixed reactions, mostly negative. CYNTHIA I have an idea. IMMEDIATE ATTENTION CYNTHIA (CONT'D) This is something I've been thinking about for a long time. We're "Real TV" right? I mean that's the name of the station. AGREEMENT CYNTHIA (CONT'D) So let's go real. We find someone. Just a regular person, someone. And we put their life on television - live... all day long. Silence. No movement at all. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) Calm down. KEITH What do you mean, like PBS did in the seventies? What was that family? GREG The Louds. KEITH Yeah. CYNTHIA No. We go way beyond that. We don't film it and edit it and put it on later. We go on the air live every morning and the show goes off each night, when our subject goes to bed. In between, we're on live all day, every day - the same person, -- for (shrugs) let's say a month. No one is wild for this. Some hate it -- some are unconvinced. FELICIA That's not a show that's a surveillance camera. GREG You can't do that. CYNTHIA The hell we can't. Look, the beauty of being a cable channel is we can take chances. I've thought about this and I'm telling you, I think this can make a noise. A loud one. There are twelve thousand channels. You've got to do something that says "Look at me!" Hell, people look at fish tanks all day. This is people! (more firmly) Someone's real life -- an TV, all day long - live... And, you know what? I'm doing it. Pause. The others know the argument is over. GREG In that case, we love it. END CREDITS 3 EXT. POOL HALL - DAY A BUS passes. On the bus is an ad. It says, "Would you like to star in your own TV show? Call Real TV (and a phone number) Coming (and a date)." 4 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT - PARAMUS NEW JERSEY This is a nice upscale pool hall. A party is in progress in a special private area -- a room upstairs let's say -- a loft. Thirty or forty PEOPLE in their twenties and thirties are informally celebrating the engagement of two of their friends. It's NOISY, it's fun, it's informal. It's not a high-end group. By that we mean, not, for the most part young lawyers or stockbrokers. They're mostly blue-collar. Community college graduates. WE OPEN ON ED PEKURNY. He's an attractive man, about thirty. There's still something a little juvenile about him -- not stupid, just boyish. SOMEONE is VIDEOTAPING HIM for one of those congratulation montage things that are done at parties these days. Ed is good at this. He's not professional but he's a loosey-goosey guy who's kind of good on camera. ED I want to congratulate Kevin and Tracy on their engagement. I knew you guys were meant for each other from the moment Tracy told us she was pregnant. TRACY You asshole! Everyone else is cracking up. ED (innocently) What? What did I say? TRACY My mother's going to see this! 5 INT. PARTY - LATER Other people are being "interviewed" on tape. Ed is SHOOTING POOL with his buddy, JOHN. John's had a couple of drinks. He's a little melancholy. He is looking across the room, thoughtfully. ED What? JOHN Look at this -- people are getting married, they're getting married... ED You said that. JOHN We're falling behind. Ed waves dismissively. JOHN (CONT'D) You know who we are? ED Tell me. JOHN We're the guys who clean up after the parade. ED I'm gonna stick this right in your eye. JOHN I was at this comedy club last week and this comedian says "If you're over thirty and your job requires you to wear a name tag, you screwed up your life." And I'm laughing and then I realize I wear a nametag. ED So do I. So what? I'm doing all right. JOHN Your brother's here. ANGLE ON THE DOOR Ed's brother RAY and Ray's girlfriend SHARI arrive at the party. Shari is pretty in an unglamorous kind of way. They both wave and then Shari goes off to talk to some of the LADIES and Ray joins Ed and John. RAY What's up? ED Where were you? RAY (reluctantly) I was... having dinner with Shari and her parents. JOHN/ED (taunting) Oooh! RAY I'm telling you, it's closing in on me. All of a sudden it's like a thing, it's a whole thing. ED What do you mean all of a sudden? You've been going with her six months. RAY I know. I mean I'm sitting there and her father's asking me about my "career prospects" and I'm playing "Risk," with her kid brother, Leon and at dinner the dog's sniffing at my balls -- at least I hope it was the dog. 'Cause her mother disappeared for a while. They LAUGH. 6 INT. PARTY - LATER It's getting wild. Some of the girls are dancing raucously. ANGLE ON A TABLE (NOT A POOL TABLE, AN EATING-TABLE) Ed, Ray, John, Shari and maybe another WOMAN. Ray is holding a big tray of SHRIMP BALLS. During the conversation, Ray throws them in the air and catches them in his mouth like popcorn. Once, he even bounces one off the wall into his mouth. ED You know, those are for everybody. Ray waves dismissively, then gets an idea. RAY Oh! (to Shari) Show them that thing you can do. (to the others) This is great. I just found out she can do this, her brother told me. (to Shari) Come on. SHARI (thinks it's stupid) I don't - RAY Come on... She hesitates, but she really doesn't mind. Slightly, amused she takes her FIST and fits it completely INTO her MOUTH. ED Whoa!! Oh! Ray is cracking up. RAY Is that unbelievable? She removes her hand. SHARI And that concludes today's show. (to Ray) This is where you go around and collect the money. Ed LAUGHS. Ray gives her a KISS. Shari's roommate RITA sits down. RITA Hi. SHARI You guys know my roommate, Rita. They do, vaguely. ED What's going on over there? RITA Everybody's making audition tapes for that Real TV thing. JOHN Oh, that thing. Yeah. Did you hear about this? ED (not sure) Yeah, what - they put some schmuck on TV all day long or something? RAY You know, that would be like a great thing. ED What? RAY That! Being that guy. Being the guy they watch. ED What are you drunk? RAY Yeah, but let's stay on one subject. Whoever that person is is going to be famous. They'll be able to get whatever they want. They'll ... trust me, this is my business. ED What is?! RAY Show business. ED You're in show business? RAY Yeah. I service video equipment. ED That's like... those people stitching Nikes in Panama saying they're in the NBA. RAY (insulted) I'm not stitching Nikes in Panama! ... Bedwetter! ED Thumbsucker! RAY I'm making a tape. ED We're excited. 7 INT. BAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER Ed and Shari, waiting for drink orders. ED So Ray met the family. SHARI Yeah... ED I hear the dog really liked him. SHARI Oh, the whole family loved him. Of course, they loved the last guy I went out with, and he strung me along for three years and dumped me. ED Really? You see, to me, you shouldn't have any trouble with men. There should be, like, a line behind you. She takes Ed's beer. SHARI You shouldn't drink. They LAUGH. 8 INT. TABLE - A LITTLE LATER Ed and Shari ARM-WRESTLING. After a struggle, Ed wins. Ed is impressed. ED Jesus! Shari wrings out her arm and picks up her beer. SHARI (continuing a previous conversation) And, you know, every guy I ever broke up with, the minute it was over, I could tell you what went wrong, how it went wrong, why it had to go wrong... but when I'm in it... lost. I'm like a love coroner. Bring me the corpse, I'11 tell you what killed it. But how to prevent it? Lost. Ed LAUGHS. ED Ray's on. They walk over. ANGLE ON RAY RAY (to camera) Hi. I'm Ray Pekurney. I'm from Paramus, New Jersey... 9 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - DAY She's watching Ray's tape. Ray thinks he's funnier and cuter than he is. RAY (ON TAPE) All my friends tell me "Ray, you've got too much personality for one guy." It's like at a party -- I'm at the center of the attention. Everybody loves me. He gets hit in the face by a hors d'oeuvre. RAY (CONT'D) Ha, ha, ha. I'll kick your ass. No really, let me show you my girlfriend. She's really cute. He reaches out and grabs Shari's wrist. Shari is struggling to stay out of frame. We just see her arm and Ray pulling on it. Ray lets go. RAY (CONT'D) She's strong, 'cause she's a Fedex girl. She lifts those packages. But she's not dikey at all, she's really pretty. CYNTHIA FAST-FORWARDS WE SEE the camera shooting an empty space. Then Ed's head appears sideways right in front of the CAMERA. ED Hello I'm Ed. He starts to sniff. ED (CONT'D) What smells? He steps back from the camera and straightens his head as he SNIFFS. He's more relaxed than Ray. ED (CONT'D) What is that smell? Oop, I think it's this idea. One person on TV all day long? (screams) Are you nuts? WE HEAR LAUGHS The Real TV Staff are enjoying Ed's tape while they eat lunch out of styrofoam containers. ED (CONT'D) Seriously, get your resumes in order. When my brother Ray - whose personality you were just dazzled by -- told me he was going to try out for this -- I said, "why in the world would anyone want to be on TV all day long, no privacy, everybody knowing your business, exposing every single detail of your life I mean... why would anyone want to do that? But then I thought of a reason... (loudly) Why the hell not? He KISSES the LENS, smudging it. Cynthia, watching, cracks up. The others seem to like him to. 10 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY This is a video store in Paramus, New Jersey. It's busy. PEOPLE are in line to check out tapes. WE OPEN ON a WOMAN -- a mother -- who is rummaging through her purse for her Blockbuster card. She looks up and sees that her TWO CHILDREN have opened several boxes of candy from the candy display and are eating from the boxes. MOTHER Oh for -- Put those -- Oh God... She grabs the boxes from them. The boxes are ripped more than she thought and candy goes flying all over. She bends to pick it up. Ed appears. He works here. ED (to the Mom) We'11 take care of it. Someone arrives with a broom. ED (CONT'D) (to the broom guy) Here. This time throw it out, don't eat it. LOU, the Manager passes. ED Lou, can I talk to you a second? Lou seems like he'd prefer to avoid this. LOU Um, yeah, I was gonna ... ED What's the deal? Did anybody make a decision - LOU Ed, look, uh... you're not getting the job. They're gonna transfer someone from another store to manage this store when I leave to manage the new store. I'm sorry. ED Oh, Christ. Did you go to bat for me? LOU I batted! ED You batted or you bunted? LOU Hey. I went as far as I felt comfortable. I mean, you know, let's face it -- you come and go here as you please. You work when you feel like it -- you know, Bruce Springsteen's birthday is not a legal holiday. ED Well, then I'm quitting. LOU Ed, come on. What's that gonna do? You're gonna bring Blockbuster to their knees. Let me recommend a movie to you. It's called "Get your shit together before it's too late." ED (wise-ass) Who's in it? CLERK Ed, telephone. Ed goes to the phone. ED (into the phone) Yeah... Are you serious? ... Come on, no kidding, who is this? ... Holy shit! 11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - ANOTHER DAY Ed is being interviewed by the "Real TV" staff whom we met earlier. He's slightly less comfortable than on his tape, but he's good. ED I had one year of college. And then one year of junior college. CYNTHIA (O.C.) What did you study? ED Oh, see, studying would've been a huge help. Where were you, then? They LAUGH. CUT TO: 11A INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Well, there's Ray, my brother. He's... ambitious. Like a few years ago, he started this mobile dog-grooming business. But, like, out of his Camry. He had this bathtub in his trunk - (Ed starts cracking up) he's throwing the dogs in there, they're fighting and splashing, then he'd slam the trunk down, let 'em run around inside screaming getting all wet... then he'd use the car exhaust to dry'em. (wiping his eyes) Ah, Ray... he just can't get a break. CUT TO: 11B INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED My sister -- Marcia, I mean she can't get a break. About seven years ago she falls in love with this Vietnamese guy who wants to marry her so he can stay in the country. So they get married, they have a kid, he gets his citizenship, immediately divorces my sister and marries this Vietnamese woman who, he was probably already married to all along. She can pick 'em. (pause) She's got a nice little boy, though. My nephew, Andy. CUT TO: 11C INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED My Mom's okay. Kinda. I knew a guy who hated his mother - Stuey Shwam. He hated his mother so much, he had his belly button removed. CUT TO: 11D INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED No, I've never been married. The interviewer seems to be waiting for him to elaborate. He doesn't. He shrugs -- that's it. CUT TO: 11E INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Oh, my father -what an asshole. When I was twelve, my mother needed a hysterectomy -- my father ran off with her nurse! And that's the last I heard of him. CUT TO: 11F INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Al, my stepfather he's opinionated. And you have to listen because he's like in a wheelchair. CUT TO: 11G INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED I like my job -- I mean I'm doing all right. I'm not sure how long I want to stay there, you know... I mean, I'm thirty-one... I'm not sure I want to be a video store clerk when I'm forty... Of course, I didn't expect to be doing it 'til I was thirty-one, either. But... you know I'm... keeping my options open. Anything comes along, I'm ready to pounce. (growls like a cougar) CUT TO: 11H INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED A dream? Of course I have a dream I just don't know what the hell it is. (shrugs and smiles) Ed's image freezes, while he has a funny-cute expression on his face. PULL BACK TO REVEAL a TV in a conference room with Ed's frozen image on it. Cynthia is there with her bosses, the people who run the network that owns Real TV. The top man is MR. SCHARLACH. His deputies are MS. SEAVER and MR. McILVAINE. This is not the same place where we met Cynthia and her staff. This is richer, more corporate and formal. CYNTHIA He's who we want to go with. SCHARLACH (doubtfully) This guy. CYNTHIA I polled my staff. The men say they'd hang around with him and the women say he's fuckable. And one of the men said he's fuckable. SCHARLACH I'm not sure about the entire concept. Cynthia is frustrated. CYNTHIA Look it's not like we're burning up the airwaves now. We're running neck-and-neck with The Gardening Channel. If people just tune in to this twice a day for five minutes, we're a hit. Plus we can sell advertising every second, running at the bottom of the screen... and the beauty is this guy doesn't even have to be good. I mean if he's good, great. But if he winds up making an ass of himself, better. McILVAINE How is that better? CYNTHIA Come on. People cannot turn away from an accident. You drive by, you say "Ooh, I hope there's not a head lying in the road" but you look ! See, nobody in America wants to be nobody. This guy wants to be famous. So, basically, the deal is he agrees to drive down the highway a hundred miles an hour blindfolded and we get to see if his head winds up rolling down the highway. Fun for the whole family. So let's do it. She stops, waiting for approval. 12 INT. VIDEO STORE SCHARLACH (coldly) Good luck. Ed's RE-STOCKING the SHELVES He gets goosed from behind RAY (O.C.) (very loud and happy) Hey... ED (goosed) Oh! Ed DROPS the BOXES. Ray is there with Shari. RAY I got your message. Way to go! ED Hi, Shari. (to Ray) Let's go in the stockroom. 13 INT. STOCKROOM Ed and Ray enter. RAY So when do you start? ED I ... I'm not gonna do it. RAY What? ED Look -- there's a million ways to humiliate yourself - I gotta think of a new way? I mean, it's all day! Every minute. Id be like a monkey at the zoo. I just... RAY (disgusted) Oh man! They couldn't pick me! They had to pick you! He slaps a tape off a shelf. ED You would do this? You would actually -- RAY In a second! In a hot second. Let me ask you something -- ED Why do you do that? RAY What? ED Whenever you ask me something why do you always say "Let me ask you something?" Why don't you just ask me? RAY (impatiently) All right. Let me ask you something... are you happy like this? ED I'm doing all right. RAY Oh Yeah? What's your master plan here? Shari enters, curious about the yelling. She stands there quietly, unnoticed by the guys. RAY (CONT'D) You're gonna be a video store clerk for the rest of your life? This is your big ambition, rearranging the "Ernest" movies? ED Screw off. RAY How many opportunities are you going to get in your life? ED I don't know. RAY That's right. You don't know. Doors don't fly open for guys like us. ED Hey. You know-- we're not the same. I got a good life, this job suits me. I come and go when I please -- RAY Oh, don't bullshit a bullshitter. If you're happy like this you're an idiot, and you're not an idiot. (sees Shari) Hi. Ed turns and sees Shari. She's self-conscious. She feels like she's been caught eavesdropping. SHARI Oh. I -- I heard Ray yelling. 1 didn't mean to -- RAY (to Ed) Give me a chance. I'm begging you. I need a break. Look, I'11 cover your ass. I'11 ride shotgun. Just bring those cameras over to me and I'11 make something happen for both of us. I swear. Come on, Eddie Pause. ED All right. RAY Yeah?! ED Yeah. Ray lifts Ed up. Ray kisses Ed. RAY (to Shari) Is this guy a brother?! 14 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Moderate-priced, restaurant. WE OPEN ON a CLOSE-UP of AL. He's about seventy. REVEAL THE FAMILY AL What happens when you go to the bathroom? Do they go in with you? Ed, Ray, Al, JEANETTE and MARCIA. Al is in a WHEELCHAIR and has an oxygen mask connected to a tank. He periodically takes a hit of oxygen. He's a little short of breath, but loves to talk. Jeanette is Ed's mother -- about sixty. Marcia is a little older than Ed. ED No. The bathroom is off limits -and when I go to sleep they go to other programming. Unless I get up. Then they go back on the air. Unless I get up to go to the bathroom, I guess, then - AL What if--you're vomiting? ED (amazed by the question) What if I'm vomiting? AL Do they show it? ED I guess -- I don't -- it's all in the contract. There's this million-page contract -- RAY Look, can we all just sign the releases so we can get on with this? MARCIA (accusing, to Ed) What happened? You described this "crazy-kooky" family who'd be a million laughs on TV? ED No! I barely even mentioned -it's just that, my friends, the people at work, whoever I'm regularly in contact with they want releases from. MARCIA (angrily) They're gonna mock our foibles. ED Our what? MARCIA Our foibles, our foibles! RAY We don't have foibles. MARCIA Everyone has foibles. Then the whole country sees them on TV and mocks them. Then we have... mocked foibles. JEANTTE Eddie, please don't let them mock our foibles. ED (losing it) Stop saying foibles! MARCIA Look, my life is not so great, that I want it shown on television. And neither is yours. RAY That's the point -- this could change things. MARCIA How? RAY For instance... me and my friend Bucky are buying out my boss. His equipment, trucks, client list, the whole shmear. MARCIA (points to Ed) What does that have to do with... ? RAY If they keep Ed on for one full month, he gets a balloon payment. Ed nods. Pause. RAY (CONT'D) I borrow against that now, at the bank. Buy the business. And Ed becomes a silent partner. Now here's the beauty part. While we're on TV I plug the shit out of the business. Free advertising. AL How about sex? A STUNNED pause. They all look at Al. ED I'11 have to pass, Al. And it's not an age thing -- AL No! Do they show you having sex? ED No. Kissing and hugging, okay, but if it's actual sex they have to cut away. AL At what point? ED At the point -- I don't -- Look you'd be on TV maybe one or two times each. I'11 try to avoid I'11 go out of my way to avoid, getting together with you. Believe me. WE HEAR: A loud drilling sound. CUT TO: 15 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY A WORKMAN is drilling a hole in the wall. Ed is there with a TV CREW. They're running cable and drilling holes and examining the apartment. Cynthia is going around supervising. Ray and Shari are there. Ray is fascinated. Ed is tense. Shari is observant. Ray separates from Ed and Shari and asks one of the Installers a technical question. SHARI AND ED Ed thinks. Ed joins Cynthia. SHARI Are you sure about this? ED Hey, believe me -1 know I've got a great chance of making a fool of myself, here. SHARI Why do it? ED I saw this show once. It was about logging. I was home sick, there was nothing else on. Do you know how they break up really bad log jams? You know, when they're really tangled... ? SHARI Cream rinse? ED (laughs) Dynamite. SHARI So? ED So maybe this is my dynamite. SHARI Dynamite is dangerous. CYNTHIA Ed, can I see you a second. ED (to Shari) Excuse me. CYNTHIA Okay, so you understand? We're installing a permanent camera in your bedroom, one in the kitchen, one in the living room, plus, of course, there'll always be a couple of steady-cams following you. ED (overwhelmed) Cool. CYNTHIA I want you to take this. She gives him a card. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) That has my work number, my home number, my pager number. I sleep three hours a night. Call me whenever you want to talk. Off the air, on the air, whenever. Okay? ED (barely listening) Um, yeah -- thanks. Ed looks kind of overwhelmed. She doesn't like this. CYNTHIA Now look. Don't freeze up on me. I picked you because you had kind of a relaxed, go-with-the-flow quality. You're not going to lose that, are you? ED No, uh... CYNTHIA I bet my career on you. You'd better be good. ED (annoyed) Don't say that. That's like... telling a guy before you have sex you'd better be good. You don't do that. CYNTHIA I do. Ed reacts. ED Oh. 16 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's in bed, watching TV. The news is on. He glances up at one of the cameras. On the news, they go to a story about him. ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Tomorrow morning, the cable channel known as Real TV, begins broadcasting one of the most heavily promoted concepts in the history of cable television. In an experiment that they say will last at least a month. They're going to follow -- live - every waking minute of a thirty-one year old video store clerk from Paramus New Jersey. The Real TV press release on this promises that none of it will be scripted, none of it will be edited and in my opinion, none of it will be interesting. we're all just supposed to sit in front of our TV's and watch this guy... live. (rhymes with "give") ANCHOR (to the Entertainment Reporter) What would be the interest here? What would... get people to tune in? ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Betas me. SIDEKICK I don't know. I might check it out. ANCHOR Well, Len's here to check out sports. Len, would you watch this video clerk? LEN I'd sooner watch soccer. They all CRUCKLE. 17 INT. CYNTHIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT She's watching the same show. She's edgy. She's CRACKING her KNUCKLES. TV SCREEN LEN Speaking of disasters, at the Meadowlands tonight... The set goes off. Ed, once again, stares up at the camera. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: 18 INT. CONTROL TRUCK Written on the screen -- "Day one." A DIRECTOR and TECHNICAL CREW with all the modern equipment. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Here we go. Ten-nine-eight-seven- 19 INT. REAL TV - OFFICES Cynthia and her staff are gathered to watch the show begin They're TENSE and EXCITED. A commercial is on. 20 INT. TRUCK 21 INT. OFFICE A.D. two... one. On the TV, the commercial ends and the Real TV logo appears. A CRAWL BEGINS It says "The following is unedited, unscripted, and unrehearsed. It is the real life of one American citizen named Ed Pekurny." The logo fades away and we see Ed, in bed, sleeping. His ALARM RINGS and he wakes up. He's groggy from sleep. Instinctively, he begins SCRATCHING his balls. As he does, it hits him that this is not a normal morning. He looks up and sees two steady-cam guys at the foot of his bed, aiming their cameras at him. Ed, then, looks at his hand on his balls. Gently, he moves his hand away. 22 INT. OFFICE KEITH (mock cheerful) Well, we're off to a great start. NOTE: The camera operators will change in shifts. We'11 see about four regulars over the course of the film. The one we will see most often is shooting Ed right now. His name is CARLOS. 23 INT. BEDROOM Ed, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, gets out of bed. His hair is sticking up. He passes a mirror and notices his hair. ED Oh, great. He turns to the camera and seems about to offer an excuse for his appearance, but, then, just moves on. ED (CONT'D) Excuse me. He grabs some clothes and enters the bathroom. 24 INT. OFFICE They're not enjoying this. Everyone's staring at Cynthia. She doesn't flinch. NOTE: Silent advertising runs along the bottom of the screen. 25 INT. KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER Ed enters, dressed and showered. The Steady-cam is in his face. Ed is tight. He's much less comfortable than he expected to be. He smiles stiffly at the camera. He's misplaced his natural charm. He gets a box of Pop-tarts out of the freezer. As he does, other stuff falls out of the freezer on to the floor. He's embarrassed. He bends down to pick things up, showing his ass to the camera. 26 INT. OFFICE GREG (to Cynthia) Start clearing a place for your Emmy. 27 INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER Ed is sitting up on the kitchen counter eating his Pop-tarts and a bowl of cereal. ED (nervously) Same people like to put the milk in first and then the cereal. I like to put in the milk first - I mean the cereal first and then the milk. Yeah, that's it. Now, watch this. He takes a KNIFE and a BANANA. He peels the banana. He holds the knife, blade up, over the cereal and chops down on it with the banana, several times, rapidly, slicing it into the cereal. He's proud of this. 28 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray is watching the show. His head is in his hands. He's horrified by how bad Ed is. 29 INT. PARENTS' HOUSE Jeanette and Al watching Ed. JEANETTE (being positive) So far... 30 INT. OFFICE KEITH Somebody shoot me. 31 INT. NETWORK OFFICE Scharlach, Seaver and McIlvaine watching, grim-faced. 32 INT. OFFICE Cynthia is ON the PHONE. CYNTHIA Get him out of the house! I want him moving! 33 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR (on the phone) Hey, I want him dead, but what can I do. 34 INT. KITCHEN Ed is EATING. He peers confused at the camera. ANGLE ON CAMERA OPERATORS. They're signaling Ed to get out. ANGLE ON ED Bewildered, imitating their gestures. ED What... You want me to swim? 35 INT. CONTROL TRUCK The Director is still on the phone. She's watching Ed on a monitor. DIRECTOR Oh God... Ed gets it. ED Oh, out? You want me to go out. 36 EXT. BUILDING Ed exits the building with the Operators walking backwards in front of him, bumping into PEOPLE- People watch, curiously. Ed reaches his car. He takes out his keys and drops them in a muddy puddle. Disgusted, he fishes them out. CUT TO: 36A INT. NETWORK BUILDING Scharlach, watching impassively. CUT TO: 36B INT. ED'S CAR Ed, in the car. He can barely fit the key into the ignition. Carlos, in the passenger seat taps him on the arm. Ed looks up. Carlos holds up a hastily-made sign. "It's okay. Relax, man." Carlos WINKS. This does help Ed. He appreciates it. He drives. WE SEE the control truck in motion. We also see another car with another Steady-cam OPERATOR, shooting Ed's car as they travel. 37 EXT. STREET - MONTAGE Ed is doing his morning errands. A little shopping -- a little banking -- always ON CAMERA. At one point, he WALKS INTO a GLASS DOOR with the word "Pull" on it. He pushed, banging his forehead. A CHILD points to the word "Pull." Ed turns to the camera, embarrassed. Later he buys a slice of pizza at a little place that's doing no business. ED (to the camera) Best pizza in New Jersey. As he walks down the street, PEOPLE call out "Hey Ed!" People in windows show him that they're watching him at that exact moment. The camera shoots some of the people in the windows. They see themselves on TV and they go wild. Ed also is confronted by GUYS grabbing their crotches mockingly, calling out things like "Hey, Ed, holding your own?" or "Hey, Ed, howls the grand ballroom." Ed is slightly chagrined by all this, but handles it with good grace. He seems to be loosening up. 38 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY Ed arrives at work. The store is already open. (Ed usually gets there in the afternoon and stays until closing.) CUSTOMERS are a little stunned by the arrival of a camera. Some know what it's about some don't. The CLERKS are aware of what's going on. They all signed releases. Ed's BOSS greets him stiffly. Clearly he's trying to get face-time on camera. ED Hey, Lou. LOU (stiffly) Welcome to work, Ed. He shakes Ed's hand and smiles at the camera. He WAVES a little. The BROOM GUY crosses, staring transfixed at the camera. He blocks Ed and Lou. He FREEZES, then panics. He tries to get out of the way and trips over his broom. He tumbles face-first into the camera lens, hurting himself. ANGLE ON ED, observing. ED (mutters) Oh, Jesus, I'm dying. 39 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Carlos, give him some air, give him some room. Use a longer lens. We'11 mostly go with the stationary cameras in here. Less intrusive. (to the crew in the truck, sarcastically) Have any of you thought about your next career? 40 INT. A KITCHEN - SAME TIME A WOMAN is serving dinner. She's watching Ed on TV -- really just glancing at it. Her HUSBAND is helping her bring the food to the table. HUSBAND Why are we watching this? WIFE (a little guilty) No reason. just... I just want to see what happens. HUSBAND Nothing's gonna happen. He's just... working. WIFE Oh, come on, they wouldn't put it on if nothing was gonna happen. He changes the channel. She changes it back. He doesn't get it at all. RAPID CUTS of VARIOUS PEOPLE around America, watching -- A couple, a young guy, a woman alone -- ending with a few college-age girls in what appears to be a dorm room. ONE GIRL is watching intently. Her roommates are mostly just hanging around not really watching. COLLEGE GIRL I think he's cute. one of her roommates glances over to see what she's so excited about. 41 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Ed is walking. He passes the little pizza place he touted earlier. There's a LINE out into the street. The STOREOWNER is working hard - - deliriously happy. Ed passes, oblivious to what he's created. 42 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The Camera Operator is shooting Ed in the bathroom CLIPPING his TOENAILS ED Some guys work from the big toe down to the little toe. Not me. I save the big one for last. That's the one I really enjoy. It's thick, it's big, it's a challenge. Did you ever see old people's nails? (makes a disgusted noise) 43 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray and Shari watching Ed. Ray is BANGING HIS HEAD on the table. RAY This is not working. (to Ed on TV) Come to me! 44 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - NIGHT It's late. She's alone. She's ON the PHONE. She's coming apart. CYNTHIA (into phone) No, I haven't seen the spot ratings... (she winces) As she talks, she tries to LIGHT a CIGARETTE. She's shaking too much to use her lighter. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) (into phone) I think that's a number from which we can hopefully, uh... build... ANGRY at her lighter, she throws it breaking a window. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) I disagree... No, I am not ready to pull the plug... Yes, Mr. Scharlach, I know they shoot horses... (getting angry) Look, it's been one day. Can I have a week with this and then have you fly up my nose?! (hangs up) She immediately regrets her outburst. 45 INT. BAR - NIGHT Written on the screen -- "Day Two." OPEN ON TURTLES racing (as only turtles can) across the floor. The turtles have little plastic men, seated on their backs. The CROWD CHEERS and SCREAMS for their favorite turtles. Ed is being followed by the steady-cams but seems to be ignoring it. Ed is in a group which includes John, and Ray. The race ends John looks very uncomfortable. BARTENDER The winner... Dashing Danny. Ed wins. MONEY changes hands. ED Next round's on me. One of the cameras is very close to John. He's very SELFCONSCIOUS. He doesn't look where he's walking. He trips. PEOPLE LAUGH. ED (off-hand joke) Polish acrobat. RAY (loudly) Hey. Check this out. (to the cameramen) Look at this. Ray TAKES OUT a big stack of QUARTERS and sets them on the bar next to a SHOT GLASS 46 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Go with the desperate brother. 47 INT. BAR The cameras go with Ray. Ray does a "spit the quarters off the bar into the shot glass" trick, while PEOPLE CHEER. Ed is standing next to Shari. They're OFF-CAMERA. ED Whoa, God bless Ray. First time I'm off-camera in two days. This is hard, you know? I'm, like, exhausted. ANGLE ON RAY He's BALANCING a BAR STOOL on his forehead. ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI SHARI (calmly) He did that at my parents' house. ANGLE ON RAY As Ray drones on... RAY (selling hard to the camera) Okay, I just wanted to get your attention. My name is Ray and my friend Bucky and I design video systems. You've got an office or a big home, we'11 come out there design you an entire system. ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI ED See, they should've picked him. Look how comfortable he is out there. ANGLE ON RAY SHARI He is so wound up. He bought all new clothes for this. He flips the BAR STOOL and catches it. He accepts the plaudits of the crowd. He returns to Ed and Shari. So do the cameras. Ray is fired-up. RAY Whew! 1 am kicking hairy ass! Ray is still full of energy. RAY (CONT'D) Hey, Ed. Did you hear about Marcia? ED (worried) No. What happened? RAY (to the camera) That's our sister. (to Ed) She's got a new boyfriend. AL AND JEANETTE Watching TV. JEANETTE Who? BACK TO BAR RAY He's living with her! ED (camera-conscious) Ray, maybe this isn't ... RAY No, this is great. (to the camera) You'll love this. (to Ed) He's a singer. ED Marcia's living with a singer? CUT TO: RAY Yeah. You know, piano bars. plays the piano and sings. That's how they met. SHARI He sang to her and they fell in love? RAY (enjoying this) No! Some drunk hit him over the head with his snifter -- you know, that thing they keep on the piano for tips -- and Marcia yanked a big hunk of glass out of his head. (cracks up, pounds the table) 48 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT Marcia is staring at the TV in UNHAPPY SHOCK. Next to her is a good- looking, but slightly sleazy-looking GUY with a bandage on his head. 49 INT. BAR RAY I mean my question is what was she doing in a bar in the first place? ED Ray -- RAY She's an alcoholic, for Christ's sake. ED Oh, Jesus. Marcia, watching, HORRIFIED. BACK TO BAR RAY Remember the last guy she got involved with? What was his name? ED What's the dif -- RAY Richie! (to Shari) She spent six months dating a criminal ED (to Shari) She didn't know he was a criminal. They had a relationship. They -- RAY "Quick pull off the highway" is not a relationship. Oh man, I gotta pee. He KISSES Shari. She COVERS her FACE with her hand. RAY (CONT'D) What are you, hiding from the Police? (pulls her hands down) Show your face, you look great. (to Ed) Doesn't she look great. ED Great. RAY (to Ed) While I'm gone, tell them about our cousin Lenny who's gay. We knew from when he was five. He minces off' effeminately, to the bathroom, LAUGHING. It's like a hurricane has just passed through. Everyone is sitting, STUNNED. ED You do though, you look great. SHARI Right. ED No, no, I -- as soon as you came in tonight I said to John, "Boy Shari looks beautiful." I said it on TV so you can ask anybody who saw it. She LAUGHS. They smile at each other. They make intermittent eye-contact a little self-consciously. Ed finally looks somewhere else and Shari, for just a moment, stares right at him. PULL BACK to TWO GUYS, watching this on TV in a bar -- more of a neighborhood bar. 50 INT. BAR - NIGHT TAD Did you see that? BARRY What? TAD Her. That look. She likes the Ed guy better than she likes the brother. BARRY You're nuts. TAD Okay, I'm nuts. CUTS OF OTHER VIEWERS, WATCHING REAL TV A BEDROOM The COUPLE we met earlier are in bed, the wife is holding the remote. HUSBAND Give me the remote. WIFE Just a few more minutes. Read your book. A LIVING ROOM A GAY COUPLE FIRST GUY What do you like about it? I don't understand. SECOND GUY I don't know -- it just it's I don't know. Just let me watch. 51 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - MORNING "DAY THREE" The ALARM goes off. Ed starts to scratch his balls, but stops halfway down. He WINKS at the camera and starts his day. 52 EXT. EWS BUILDING Ed comes outside and he's accosted by a GROUP of angry Polish Americans, many of whom are carrying signs decrying Polish jokes and anti-Polish attitudes. They SCREAM ANGRILY when they see Ed. Ed is completely shocked. He runs back inside. He locks the door, leaving Carlos outside. The demonstrators attack Carlos. 53 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed is at his kitchen table with several burly DEMONSTRATORS arrayed behind him. Ed is NERVOUSLY, READING from a sheet of paper while Carlos shoots. ED ... my "Polish acrobat" remark was ill-considered. Although, I meant no harm, I should have recognized that such (trouble with the next word) stigmatizing remarks bring pain and anguish to... He's having trouble reading the next word. ED (CONT'D) I can't read my own writing. It's like Chinese -- (quickly backtracking) It's not like Chinese! Chinese is, I'm sure, a beautiful language and they write ... beautifully. It's not Chinese. He wipes sweat away. ED (CONT'D) Jesus, I'm sweating like a Mexican fruit-picker. (realizes) Oh, Christ! QUICK CUTS of Ed, getting his laundry, doing some shopping, getting his oil changed, all being shot by a CAMERA PERSON. 54 INT. DENTAL OFFICE A YOUNG DENTAL HYGIENIST is cleaning Ed's teeth. The camera is practically right in his mouth. It's making the Hygienist NERVOUS. She's distracted. She hurts Ed. He SCREAMS. She SCREAMS. She drops her tools. HYGIENIST (near hysterics) Can I have some room please?! ED (talking with the suction in his mouth) Gi hu roo. 55 INT. TV STUDIO It's an educational-type panel discussion involving various eggheads and pundits. It's called "Viewpoint." MODERATOR Let's change topics for a moment. Does anybody have a viewpoint on something going on now called "Ed TV". PANEL MEMBER #1 This, I believe, is a new low point in American culture. PANEL MEMBER #2 I agree. What it reveals is the absolute creative bankruptcy in the television business. What they're saying, basically, is "We're giving up. We have no ideas." PANEL MEMBER #3 It's worse than that! They don't select someone with any talent, or with something to say -- they seem to celebrate the fact that this guy is a boob. It's a joyous celebration of boobery. PANEL MEMBER #4 I think we've already spent far too much time discussing this. They all agree. 56 INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT OPEN ON Ray with chopsticks up his nose, imitating a walrus. Also, he has lo mein noodles protruding from between his lips. Ed is forcing a smile. Ray is wearing a tee-shirt that says "Ray and Bucky- Video Kings" with a phone number. 57 INT. REAL TV OFFICE Cynthia is alone working late. She's drinking. She's watching Ray. She's not enjoying him. ED (V.O.) Ray, don't throw the shrimp, you're gonna choke again. CYNTHIA Choke to death, you boring bastard. 58 INT. EWS BEDROOM - NIGHT Ed is sitting up in bed, wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, eating directly out of a cereal box. TERRY The audience likes you when you're moving. ALICE Yes. Try not to stay in one place too long. Get outside as much as you can. KEITH Also, we have some notions. Have you thought about becoming a Big Brother? GREG Or coaching a Little League team? FELICIA How about a date? ED Are you asking me? FELICIA No, I mean... KEITH It's just, the ratings are still soft. LONG PAUSE ED (nervously) Are you going to cancel me? CYNTHIA Let's not worry about that vet. ALICE You're testing well. FELICIA There's another problem. GREG It's ... Ray. ED What about Ray? GREG Well, the walrus impression - delightful as it was -- is just not wowing the audience. This is some audience research. He hands Ed a PRINTOUT. Ed doesn't know how to interpret the figures. ED What does this mean? FELICIA It means they hate his freaking guts. It means if he were on fire they wouldn't put him out. ED He's just ... trying a little too hard -- CYNTHIA Ed, the audience can smell the desperation coming through the screen. TERRY Could you... see him a little less often? ED How much less? FELICIA Never would be plenty. ED I can't do that to him. He's pushing a little too hard - but... I just can't do that to him. SILENCE ED (CONT'D) He'11 be fine. 59 INT. CAR - DAY "DAY FIVE" Ed is driving slowly on a busy street. Suddenly an EIGHTEEN YEAR-OLD BOY lands heavily on Ed's windshield. Ed is badly startled. He can't see. He swerves and stops. The boy is not hurt. He's banging on the windshield, waving at the camera. Ed, furious, gets out. 60 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ED What the --?! BOY I'm on TV! I'm on TV! Ed just stares in disbelief. 61 EXT. STREET - LATER Ed is walking. PEOPLE YELL at him. GUY Ed! Your show stinks! The Guy LAUGHS like he really got in a good one. Ed ignores him. TWO TEENAGERS run in, one has a camera and quickly snaps a picture of Ed and the other Guy. Merrily, they shake his hand and run off, whooping. There are PEOPLE who trail along. Many of them will show up again and again, throughout the movie, following Ed. Some of them will look mentally or emotionally impaired. 62 INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT QUICK SHOTS of Ed with CUSTOMERS - One or two show a bit of camera-consciousness. A little group has gathered to observe Ed's "show". 63 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY- NIGHT Ed rings the bell. ED (to the camera) This is Ray's apartment. Ray's got a big-screen TV and the Knicks are playing in L.A. tonight, so sometimes I come over after I work late and we watch the game here. He makes funny comments. He's really a good guy. He just... RAY (O.C.) Who is it? ED It's me, Ed. The door opens a crack, revealing Ray in a bathrobe. Ray's look is unwelcoming. RAY Hi. ED You watching the ballgame? RAY Uh, no, uh I'm a little tired. I fell asleep. ED Oh. All right. I'11 watch at home, then. RAY Yeah... WOMAN (O.C.) Ray, where do you keep the glasses? ED Oh, is Shari here? Why didn't you just say so? Why are you giving me a song-and-dance about being tired? ED (CONT'D) (calls out) Hi, Shari. WOMAN (O.C.) Who's Shari? ED Who's -- Ray looks pained. Ed realizes what's happening and freezes Ray's phone RINGS. RAY Oh shit... He turns to answer his phone, allowing the door to swing open a little. Ed can see into the kitchen. He sees a WOMAN, wearing just panties, facing away from him, searching for glasses. RAY (into phone) Hello... Shari, hi... Oh no! ... Oh God! ED (to the camera) We'd better go... RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS loving this, some screaming "Don't go!, don't leave, stay" etc. BACK TO SCENE RAY (into phone) No, honey, it's not what it looks like-- She hangs up on him. He holds his head. RAY Oh God ... Ed! 64 INT. HALLWAY Ed is TIP-TOEING away. He stops when Ray calls him. Ray 'runs out into the hallway after him. They speak with lowered voices. RAY That was Shari. She saw the whole thing on TV-- ED What is this? What's going on, who is that? RAY (embarrassed) It's the receptionist at one of the places I service video equipment -- she's very pretty and, you know, she never even talks to me and then today I come in and she's all "I saw you on TV the other night... You were so great ... " Next thing I know we're ... ED Next thing you know! Why didn't you stop? RAY Stop? I'm a guy. I don't stop. The woman's supposed to stop. We're the gas, they're the brakes. WOMAN (O.C.) (calls out) Ray, I finished the Snapple. RAY Fine! WOMAN (O.C.) Is there more? RAY In the cabinet, but it's warm. There's ice in the tray. I (to Ed) Talk to her. ED I don't even know her. All I know is she likes Snapple. RAY No, not her. Shari. Go over there and talk to her 65 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM CYNTHIA Yes! Go! She THROWS SOMETHING at the screen. She PICKS UP the PHONE. 66 INT. HALLWAY ED Why me? RAY You brought the cameras here! ED You brought the girl! RAY Please! ED If I go over to Shari, the camera's going there, too. The Camera Operators are vigorously nodding and mouthing "Yes, Go." Ray is oblivious to this, but Ed picks it up. RAY That's good. She'11 -- you know control herself. Look. If I go over there, she's just gonna slam the door on me. Just go over and beg her to talk to me, that's all. Please. You owe me for this! Ed accepts the irony of Ray's attitude without comment 67 INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY- NIGHT The door opens, revealing RITA, Shari's roommate. RITA (nervously) Um... Shari knew you were coming over because she saw ... ED Right, yeah -- RITA (apologetic) She really doesn't want you and the camera in here right now. ED No, I understand. That's - where is she, is she all right? Rita isn't sure how much she should reveal. RITA I ... gave her a drink. I thought it ... but she's not much of a drinker, so it's made her a little... belligerent. Shari appears in the doorway over Rita's shoulder. she's holding a liquor bottle and she's a little drunk. SHARI What do you want?! ED (awkward) Shari, I'm just really sorry. Look, I know this is... unbelievably awkward, but if I could come in for like a second and -- you know -- just say... two words, then... Shari indicates with her head, that Ed can come in. Ed and Carlos enter. Rita shuts the door. Shari crosses to a couch. Ed indicates for Carlos to give them some distance. 68 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Don't lose them, Carlos. This is gold. Stay out of their way, but get everything. 69 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Carlos settles across the room. He rests the camera down as if he's not even shooting, but he's still guiding it where he wants it throughout the scene. RITA I'm gonna go to bed. (to Shari) You okay? Shari shrugs. RITA (CONT'D) Good night. She gives the camera a quick glance. RITA (CONT'D) (quickly, with a small wave) Hi, Mom. (she exits) ED Shari, Ray feels -- SHARI (starting to cry) Don't defend that horse's ass to me. ED I'm not. I'm not. I'm just Look -- you know, in a way, it's good. He got this out of his system now and he knows it's not worth it and, you know, someday if you guys got married or something -- SHARI Ha! ED Okay ... SHARI (poking Ed as she talks) I've got news for you-- I never intended to marry him. ED Oh... how come? 70 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray, watching on TV. 71 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT SHARI Well, for one thing, he's a bad lay. 72 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT His eyes bulge out and he begins to gasp. RAPID SHOTS of viewers reacting-- "Whoa!" laughs, etc. The college girls applauding. one of them SCREAMS "Tell it!" 73 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Ed realizes that Ray's been called a "bad lay" on television. ED Oh my God. SHARI (directly into the camera) I mean bad. ED Look, not having been there... I just think you're hurt and you're saying this to, you know, get back at him. She starts to cry. ED (CONT'D) Look... whether you get back together or not, you're too terrific a person to... lower yourself like this. 74 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray, still in shock. 75 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT ED (CONT'D) I mean, I told Ray -- a couple of times -- that I thought you were one of the best and ... smartest and... most attractive women I've ever seen so... In comforting her, he's gotten his face very close to hers. 76 INT. DORMITORY Same dorm girls as before. DORM GIRL Kiss him! Kiss him! BACK TO SCENE SHARI Really? ED Yeah. She tilts her head forward a little, hesitates, then kisses him, at first warmly, then passionately. 77 INT. DORM ROOM The girls are going wild-- SCREECHING. 78 INT. TAD'S HOUSE TAD I'm nuts, hah?! I knew it! I said! He dials the phone. 79 INT. JOHN'S HOUSE John is stunned. JOHN Oh, Jesus! 80 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT He stares, amazed. The WOMAN he was found with appears behind him. WOMAN I found the Snapple. 81 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM She sees the kiss. CYNTHIA Yes! Yes! I win! Scharlach, you schmuck! I am the golden goddess of television! She begins beating her chest, one fist at a time while she SCREAMS in triumph. 82 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Shari and Ed have stopped kissing. They both look stunned. Shari is suddenly sober. SHARI Oh my God. She looks at Carlos who has now moved closer to them SHARI (CONT'D) Oh my God. ED It's... okay SHARI I kissed my boyfriend's brother on television! ED Well, when you put it that way. SHARI Leave. Go. ED Can't we just -- SHARI Go! ED (exiting) All right. Okay. I'11 ... see you. He and Carlos exit. Going through the door, he gives Carlos a little push then quickly steps back inside, slams the door and locks it. 83 INT. CONTROL TRUCK CARLOS (V.O.) I'm locked out. DIRECTOR Stay calm. Shoot the door. We're running sound. And we've got a camera in the street. 84 EXT. BUILDING A CAMERA is shooting at a second-story window. We SEE SILHOUETTES. 85 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Ed is at the door. Shari is across the room. They stare at each other silently. Then they run to each other. They kiss again. 86 EXT. BUILDING We can SEE them KISSING... 87 INT. APARTMENT Ed and Shari are all over each other. They're breathless. SHARI What are we doing? ED I've got to tell you something. I have had a big thing for you for months. INTERCUT WITH SHOTS OF VIEWERS They're seeing the door or the silhouette shot, but they're hearing every word. They're mesmerized. SHARI Really? ED Yeah. I mean for months I've been seeing you with Ray you being his girlfriend and I kept wishing you were my girlfriend... But, you know, what could I do? SHARI Me too. I mean I'm going out with Ray and I'm... thinking about you. ED Really? SHARI Oh God, this is so weird. ED Weird? If this happened last month it would've been weird. Now with... the TV and... now it's just too weird. They look at each other. They don't know what to do. ED (CONT'D) I'd better go. She nods. He walks to the door. ED (CONT'D) Once more? She nods. They run back to each other and kiss. 88 EXT. BUILDING The silhouettes are kissing. 89 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray staring at the TV. 90 EXT. PRIVATE HOME - LATER "DAY SIX" This is a fairly old, modest private home. Ed pulls up. He and Carlos get out of the car. Ed hurries up to the front door and enters. 91 INT. HOME - CONTINUOUS Ed enters. He's a little AGITATED ANGLE ON AL ED Hi, Al. Al is in his wheelchair and taking periodic hits off an oxygen mask connected to a tank. Al's watching himself on TV. AL (excited) Look. It's me. He WAVES. ED Yeah. I brought you some movies. AL Anything good? They LAUGH. ED No, I intentionally picked out a lot of crap 'cause I don't like you. ED (CONT'D) Is Mom here? I gotta talk to her. AL She's in the kitchen. I'd yell for her, but I'd die. (sucks more oxygen) You had a busy night last night. ED (calls) Yeah. Ma... JEANETTE (O.C.) Eddie? ... ED Yeah? JEANETTE (O.C.) Are the TV people with you? ED Yeah. The camera guy is here. JEANETTE (O.C.) Send him away. ED Send him? Ma, I can't. it's -- just come out here. Please, I -- JEANETTE (O.C.) No. ED Do you want us to come in the kitchen? JEANETTE (O.C.) No. It's a mess. ED Look, Ma, come on out. Really. I need to talk to you. After a pause, Jeanette enters, very camera-conscious. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) This is my mother. STIFFLY, he gives her a kiss. ED (CONT'D) Ma, do you know where Ray is? I've been calling him and I'm getting his machine and -- JEANETTE Eddie, how could you do it? Your brother's girlfriend. ED Hey, he cheated on her. JEANETTE He made a mistake. ED I don't want to -- do you know where he is? JEANETTE No. Maybe he's watching. (indicates the camera) Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you'11 stay away from that girl. ED No! And that girl has a name. AL What do you love her or something? ED (embarrassed) Come on... AL (teasing) Look at your face. I had a car that color. VARIOUS REACTIONS OF VIEWERS really liking this. BACK TO SCENE JEANETTE I know you. This Shari is a passing fancy. ED No! I -- All right, look, if you hear from Ray.... tell him to call me, okay? He KISSES her again. ED (CONT'D) How's Marcia? She all right? JEANETTE I don't know. She's living with that "entertainer"... ED (trying to make his mother feel better) Well, who knows? Maybe she finally picked a winner this time. JEANETTE (unconvinced) Mm. ED You and Al lived together a few months before you got married -- after Dad left. JEANETTE (looks at the TV) Oh my God! ED I mean, that worked out. JEANETTE Oh my God!! She gets in the closet and closes the door. 92 INT. OFFICE ED (to the camera) I think we're through here. The Real TV group is there. They're smiling. Cynthia is ON the PHONE CYNTHIA (into phone) I will. I'11 tell them. (hangs up) That was Scharlach. All of you, scrub your asses. He's coming over to kiss them. They all WHOOP and LAUGH. 93 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - DAY Shari and Rita are watching Ed leave his parents house on TV. Rita is very excited. Shari is ON the PHONE. SHARI (into phone) Um, I'd like to get a new phone number, please... Because I'm getting calls from every nut case in America... Right, unlisted... Sure. (she holds) RITA Aren't you excited? He said he loved you on television! SHARI He didn't say it. His stepfather said it. RITA (joking) Well, the stepfather's cute... Seriously, how do you feel about Ed? Pause. SHARI I think he's great. He just makes me feel... oh, I'm really gonna get hurt, this time - Hello ... CUTS OF VARIOUS VIEWERS WATCHING REAL TV End on TAD and BARRY in a health club. This is the refreshment area. They've played racquetball and they're sweaty. They're watching Real TV. TAD I'11 tell you something else. The old guy in the wheelchair? The stepfather? They're gonna have him die. BARRY What do you mean "they're gonna have him die?" TAD You know, for a tearjerker. The audience falls in love with this loveable old geezer in a wheelchair and then he dies, it's ... They know what they're doing. BARRY This is real, Bananahead! TAD So? BARRY So if it's a show and they have a guy die that's writing, but if it's real and they have a guy die that's murder. 94 EXT. VIDEO STORE - DAY Ed arrives for work. People CALL OUT to him-- PEDESTRIANS, PEOPLE FROM CARS, TRUCK DRIVERS. "Hey Ed, my man." Ed waves. People shake his hand. A teenage boy looks into the camera, making a funny face. Someone else looks into the camera and says, "Hi, Ma." Suddenly, Ray is there with a WOMAN. Ray is not happy. He's wearing DARK GLASSES and a HAT. RAY Hi. Ed stops. ED ... Ray? RAY Yeah. ED Oh, man, I've been trying to call you. RAY I know. ED Look, we gotta talk. RAY Save it. A GUY in a car appears and points at Ray. GUY Hey, you're that French guy on TV. RAY French guy? GUY Monsieur Bad-a-lay. The guy drives away. Ray is steaming. RAY Let me just do what I came here to do. Ed thinks he means to fight. Ed tries to calm him. ED What are we gonna fight? Ray, please, listen to me -- RAY (beckoning) Cassie... CASSIE, a woman about Ray's age, steps forward. She's slightly self-conscious. RAY (CONT'D) Go ahead. Ray points Cassie to the camera. CASSIE This is really hard. RAY You promised me. CASSIE (to the camera) I went out with Ray a few years ago for... a couple of months. And we... were intimate. And. he's really not as bad as that girl said he was. Ray nods. CASSIE (CONT'D) I mean, I've definitely had worse. RAY That's enough. Ed is amazed that Ray would do this. RAY (CONT'D) (to Ed) Good-bye, brother! ED Ray, come an-- Ray leaves, still angry. Cassie lingers. CASSIE (flirting slightly) So you're Ed. Ray returns and yanks Cassie away with him. Ed still hasn't recovered from the bizarreness he just witnessed. Two girls YELL in unison from across the street. GIRLS Ed... we love you! 95 INT. REAL TV OFFICE - NIGHT Cynthia and her staff, around a conference call box. CYNTHIA We're not going to be able to come over there for anymore midnight meetings. People are starting to watch your building. The interest level in you is soaring. INTERCUT WITH: 95A INT. ED'S BEDROOM. Ed's OFF-CAMERA ED Soaring is good, right? I mean, that means you're not gonna cancel me, right? KEITH (sotto) Man, he wants that balloon payment. ED (V.O.) Huh? TERRY Ed, why didn't you go over to see Shari today? That's what all our viewers were hoping you'd do. ED Isn't she great? I mean, maybe just to me, but... I don't know, she's just -- TERRY (impatiently) She's great, she's great. Why didn't you go see her? ED I wanted to! I was dying to! But... GREG Is it Ray? (pulls out research) The audience hates Ray. Females, 18 to 35 -- ED No, I don't need to hear that. Cynthia? CYNTHIA Yes, Ed. ED Could we just talk alone for a second? I -- CYNTHIA Good idea. (to her staff) Could you all leave us alone for a few minutes? She PANTOMIMES for them to stay in the room, but be quiet. The staff scrape chair legs and feign movement and ad lib "Bye Ed", "See you, buddy" etc. They all stay. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) How you doing, Ed? ED I feel like when I was a kid and my mother sent me to school in orange corduroy pants. CYNTHIA (no clue) Uh-huh? ED And all the kids stared calling me "Pumpkin Ass." "Hey Pumpkin Ass," -- for like a year. So, now, I feel like everyone's watching me and, you know, I'm "Pumpkin Ass" again. The staff are stifling giggles. CYNTHIA Can I tell you something? I think you are fantastic. I think you have taken an idea and turned it into something explosive. The staff stifle laughter. One of the guys is doing a jerk-off gesture. Cynthia gives them the finger. ED Yeah? CYNTHIA Can I give you one bit of advice? About Shari? ED Sure. CYNTHIA A woman wants to be pursued. 96 EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY Shari, in her Fed-ex uniform is making a delivery. A WOMAN's signing for it. WOMAN This is so exciting! A real celebrity delivering my figs. SHARI (uncomfortable) Sign here, please. WOMAN That Ray was a pig. Ed is doll. You latch on to him honey. SHARI By the X. WOMAN Some more make-up wouldn't do you any harm. On TV you look a little washed out. SHARI What would I actually have to do to get you to sign this? WOMAN (insulted) Oh, an TV a minute and already an attitude. SHARI (annoyed) By the X. That's were two lines cross -- forming an X. ANGRILY, the Woman signs and slams the door. She heads back to her truck. She looks up and Ed is there with flowers. The TV cameras are there also. Shari is startled. But she's also glad to see him. SHARI What are you doing? ED I missed you. She's camera-shy. ED (CONT'D) You know, I never saw you in your uniform before. SHARI Yeah, well... They both LAUGH. ED It's really a tremendous turnoff. SHARI You should see the one we wear when it rains. ED Sunday night at the Devils game, I'm driving the Zamboni. SHARI The what? ED You know, the big machine that cleans the ice. SHARI Oh yeah. ED It's quite an honor. Will you come with me? She looks at the camera. ED (CONT'D) (gently) Look, I know this is weird. But... I don't want to wait. I really think we might have something together. Don't you? EMBARRASSED, she nods. ED (CONT'D) Come on. Be my zamboni date. She doesn't say "no." They KISS -- a little hesitantly, not passionately, but affectionately. She's still self-conscious, but she's going with the flow. 97 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE They're watching. They CHEER and high-five each other. 98 INT. SHORT MONTAGE Ed and Shari dating. She's shy, but she really likes Ed. He likes her and is very sweet to her. 1) Ed and Shari some place like "Tavern on the Green." She looks pretty. He's very happy. 2) They come out of a club. TOURISTS photograph them. Shari is a little disconcerted. Ed takes out a little camera of his own and photographs the tourists. This makes Shari laugh and relaxes her. 3) HOCKEY ARENA CLOSE-UP of Ed, driving the Zamboni. He's loving it. He WAVES to Shari. SHARI IN THE STANDS, watching. She waves and smiles. The ice, a WIDER SHOT. The Zamboni is, basically out of control. Carlos is sliding along the ice, shooting Ed as the Zamboni zig-zags dangerously, eventually crashing into the boards, shattering the Plexiglas. 99 INT. LOCAL ROCK CLUB - NIGHT It's very CROWDED. Claustrophobic. Loud. Ed and Shari enter just to see the show. They're spotted. The Crowd, which is already fired up by the music, sees them. It starts out okay, people crowding around, patting Ed on the back. A CHANT begins "Ed, Ed, Ed..." Pretty soon it drowns out the music. More people press towards Ed. It's too crowded -- dangerous. Shari is swept away from Ed. She's buffeted about, violently. She goes down. Ed can't move. The Crowd is friendly and happy, but the effect is scary. 100 EXT. ROCK CLUB - A FEW MINUTES LATER BOUNCERS squeeze Ed and Shari out the door, protecting them. Ed is unnerved. Shari is somewhat bedraggled. Her clothing is torn. 101 INT. ED'S KITCHEN - DAY Ed is ON the PHONE. INTERCUT WITH: CYNTHIA'S OFFICE Yeah?! ED They tore her dress! ... CYNTHIA We're going to get you a bodyguard, don't worry. Ed, I have some news for you. We're picking up Ed TV for another month! ED (excited) Yeah?! CYNTHIA That means a balloon payment and a big raise for the second month. ED Stand back -- I'm about to do my Happy Dance. He does. 102 INT. RESTAURANT Ed and Shari are EATING. So is a HUGE MAN sitting between them. His name is MOE. 103 INT. ROLLER RINK Ed and Shari are SKATING. Up ahead of them, Moe, (on skates) is plowing into people, knocking them over. 104 INT. PIZZA JOINT - NIGHT Ed and Shari get up to leave. They look at each other, very affectionately. They want to kiss. The cameras are close. Ed is wearing a jacket. He spreads it out wide to block Shari's face from the cameras. He leans in and they KISS on the lips, several times, while Ed's jacket screens off the cameras. They're in love. 105 INT. TV NEWS SHOW- THREE WEEKS LATER Written on the screen -- "Day 26." It's the same news team we met earlier. ANCHOR Well, welve had pet rocks, hula hoops, Davy Crockett, Beatle wigs, and leisure suits. But America's latest craze is a guy named Ed. Here with that story is entertainment reporter, Rick Douglas. ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Pat, four weeks ago, no one in America had even heard of Ed Pekurny. Today, this thirty-one year-old video store clerk has become something of a national obsession. The words viewers use to describe him are "charming," "natural," and "appealing." And ratings indicate that "Ed TV" is being watched by more people, each day, than any show in the history of cable television. CUT TO: A SHOT of Scharlach being interviewed. A CAPTION identifies him. SCHARLACH This idea just came to me. I told my staff -- if people just tune in twice a day for five minutes we're a hit. Sometimes you gotta go with your gut feeling. CUT TO: 106 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE She's watching. She's ANGRY. CYNTHIA Sure it came to you! Because I brought it to you! (raises her fist) You want a gut feeling?! How about a groin feeling?! (raises her foot) BACK TO NEWS REPORT ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Ed TV has become so popular that when Ed goes to sleep Real TV is running highlights of Ed's day all night. Some viewers have become obsessed with Ed. They wake up when Ed wakes up, they go to sleep when Ed goes to sleep, and in between they try to watch as much of him as possible. A SERIES OF MAN-IN-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS. WOMAN #1 (casually) Yeah, I watch it... More than I'd like to admit sometimes. MAN (about fifty) Never... no... YOUNGER MAN Honestly? ... I try not to go to the bathroom until Ed goes to the bathroom so I won't miss anything. A GUY in an ice cream store. ICE CREAM GUY Watch this! Like Ed. He slices a banana the way Ed does. WOMAN #2 I just kind of leave it an, you know, so it's... there. THREE TEEN-AGE GIRLS TEEN-AGER #l I don't like Shari. She's ... needy. TEEN-AGER #2 I like her. She's sweet. TEEN-AGER #1 She just rubs me the wrong way. TEEN-AGER #3 I'm so glad they got rid of Ray. He was creepy. CUT TO: YOUNG GUYS GUY #1 To me, this Shari is like nothing. GUY #2 She's not even hot. I mean Ed's a celebrity. If that was me, I'd be dating the goods. GUY #1 There's something wrong with her. She's definitely not hot. GUY #2 Not hot. Not. 107 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT She's watching this, wearing a bathrobe. Her self-esteem is being crushed. 108 INT. TV STUDIO This is an "E TV" kind of gossip show. The host -- a YOUNG WOMAN -- is showing film of Ed and Shari getting out of Ed's car. The film freeze-frames. Shari has an unflattering look on her face. GOSSIP QUEEN What's wrong with her! Everytime you look at this chick, it's like she badly needs a Tampax. Ed, you can do better. Shari watching, in horror. 109 INT. DELICATESSAN - NIGHT Ed and Shari are on a date. A WAITRESS is taking their order. Shari still seems a little self-conscious, but Ed is having a ball. ED I'11 have... (to Shari) Get this -- (to the waitress) I'11 have the "Ed." SHARI I'm stunned. A WOMAN with her young SON approach. WOMAN Mr. Pekurny. I'm sorry to bother you. My son would just love to have your autograph. ED No problema. (to the boy) You want a picture? The boy nods. ED (CONT'D) Moe. MOE, the Bodyguard, in the next booth hands Ed a glossy of Ed and a pen. Ed signs it. ED (CONT'D) Take this around the corner to Frame World, they'll give you a discount. The Woman and Child leave. ED (CONT'D) (to Shari) Oh -- Sunday is good for me to meet your folks. We get a big family audience on Sundays so it works out. SHARI (ironic) That's lucky. ED Saturday, I think we should A PHONE RINGS Ed takes a phone out of his pocket. ED (CONT'D) (plugging) Compliments of Motorola. Hello... Marcia?? (to Shari) My sister. -- What? ... What, right now? ... I'm eating, I'm on a date! ... Well, where's your boyfriend -- what's his name? Cliff .... Then, call a cab... (wearily) All right. Look, just don't start any trouble okay. Just sit there quietly 'til I get there... you're welcome. He HANGS UP. He's disgusted. 110 INT. CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER ED This used to be a regular thing. And the worst part, is while she'd be waiting for me to come down to some bar and get her, she'd start up with some guy and say "Wait 'til my brother gets here, he'11 kick your ass." So then I walk in and there's some rhinoceros in a windbreaker who tries to shove me into a shot glass. And Marcia's drunk and screaming "Kick his ass, Ed. Kick his ass." (looks out) I think this is it. 111 INT. BAR It's not a seedy dive. Ed and Shari and the camera operators enter. A CUSTOMER approaches. CUSTOMER Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You're the guy on TV. ED What was the tip-off? The enormous camera? CUSTOMER Watch this. The guy does Ed's "Happy Dance." CUSTOMER (CONT'D) See, like you. ED Yeah. Keep up the good work. Ed brushes by him. He sees a WOMAN passed out at a table. ED (CONT'D) Oh great. He prepares to lift her. MARCIA (O.C.) Ed. He turns and sees Marcia standing there. MARCIA (CONT'D) What are you doing? ED Hm? I'm, uh... Why isn't this drunken woman you? He lets go of the woman. Her head bounces on the table. ED (CONT' D) What's going on? Why did you want me to come down here? Marcia guides them into chairs. MARCIA Cliff is here. He's performing. I wanted you to see him. For a second, Ed doesn't get it. Then. ED Oh! Oh -- okay, now I get it. It's "Star Search." You wanted me here because the camera comes with me. MARCIA Ed, he needs a break. You don't know what kind of bad luck he's had -- ED I can imagine. You said you wanted nothing to do with this. You swore to me. "Don't come near me. Don't bring this into my life..." MARCIA For God sakes, you said two words about some lousy pizza joint, the guy's a millionaire now. This could be my whole future we're talking about. (to Shari) Hi, I'm Ed's sister. SHARI (politely) I've heard so much about you. 112 INT. BAR - LATER Cliff is in the middle of his show. He's wearing a PORTABLE ORGAN. He's not great. He's a smalltime professional with a lot of pep. Marcia is beaming. Ed's cameras are shooting him. CUTS OF Cliff, singing every type of song, imaginable. This guy is desperately trying to cover all the bases -- i.e. Sinatra-type standards, something from "Lion King", "Do Ya' Think I'm Sexy," "Smokin' in the Boy's Room," "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees," the theme from "Hawaii Five-0," a rap number, and "Ave Maria." ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI ED (sotto) I wish my stepfather was here. SHARI Why? ED He could give me some oxygen. 113 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER Ed and Shari are KISSING. CUTAWAYS TO VIEWERS TAD AND BARRY BARRY Oh boy! Here we go! Ed is passionate. JEANETTE AND AL JEANETTE (cringing) Euuw... RAY Fuming. BACK TO ED AND SHARI SHARI Um... ED What? She indicates the camera. Ed tries to allay her fears. ED (CONT'D) I told you. If we... you know do it, they go away until ... we're done. SHARI I know, but even if they go away, everybody in America knows what we're doing because... they went away. ED So? What do they think -- we're not kids -- SHARI (overlapping) I know, I ... ED (overlapping) Shari, I really like you... SHARI (overlapping) I really like you too... ED ...if this ... (the camera) ... weren't here... ? SHARI ... yeah, then, but... CUTAWAYS ED So...? SHARI Ed... I think we should stop seeing each other. The guys who said she wasn't hot. They applaud. THE DORM GIRLS They're booing Shari. A BAR A very attractive woman (JILL) and her friend. JILL That girl's an idiot. BACK TO ED AND SHARI ED What?... Why? SHARI (starting to weep) I can't take it anymore... GUYS WHO DON'T THINK SHE'S HOT They mock her, crying "Boo hoo hoo" and pretending to rub their eyes. BACK TO ED AND SHARI SHARI (crying) I have no privacy. Even now! I'm crying and I can't stop and they won't go away. And now it's going to be another month! ED Shari... SHARI Everybody hates me! ED No. Who? SHARI Look at this. She picks up a N.Y. POST. SHARI (CONT'D) Page three of the Post. ED (knows what it is) Ohh... SHARI A poll. "Is Shari Good Enough for Ed?" Seventy-one per cent said "no." (crying) They hate me! ED Who cares? I don't ca -- No. I do care. (to the camera) Shame on everybody. Shame on you! Well, just the seventy-one percent. The other... (he can't do the math) SHARI Twenty-nine. ED Exactly. Boy, you're smart. (to the camera) Why are you so mean to her? What did she do to you? (picks up newspaper) "Is she good enough for Ed?" Who the hell am I? (sarcastically) Who the hell do you think I should be dating? SHARI There's a list. ED Really? (he looks) SHARI Ed? He doesn't hear her. He's scanning the list. ED Wow... 114 INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW (OR SOMETHING) Ed is a guest. DAVE I'm out here an hour a night and I feel like a dork. You're on every minute! Doesn't it just drive you nuts? ED (cheerfully) Yeah. LAUGHS. DAVE All this fame and the money you're making. Is this going to change you, do you think? ED God, I hope so. BIGGER LAUGHS. 115 INT. GREEN ROOM - LATER It's after the show. Ed is getting ready to leave. John is with him, keeping him company. A. P.A. is giving Ed a bag of gifts. (Of course, Ed is still on Ed TV.) PRODUCTION ASSISTANT You've got a ham in there and Dave's book and -- ED Hey, if it's free, it's me. (to John) You ready? JOHN Yeah. You did good. What's wrong? ED Aah, I wanted Shari to come. JOHN Oh -- so I'm just, what -- a poor substitute? He KISSES John. ED (easily) Yeah. (to the camera) Honey, if you're watching this is for you. JOHN No! Don't -- (new subject) Oh, wow. ED What? ANGLE ON JILL IN THE HALLWAY (We met her earlier in a cutaway.) She's saying good-bye to a CASTING ASSISTANT. JOHN No more calls, we have a winner. Jill looks up, sees Ed and walks right up to him JILL Hi. ED Hi. SECURITY steps forward. ED (CONT'D) It's all right. They step back. JILL I'm Jill. I really like your show. I think you're great. ED Thanks... That's ... Shari, watching this on television. JILL You must be John. JOHN I'm trying to remember. JILL (to Ed) Well, I don't want to bother you, I'm just -- I was here auditioning for a skit. You know, one of those things where Dave goes around town with models and whatever... ED Oh, yeah, I love those. Yeah... those are funny... JILL Well, it was really nice meeting you and, uh... (checks her watch) I'd better get a cab. But she doesn't leave. ED Um... They gave me a limo, uh... JILL Oh, great! Thanks. I'm just going uptown. She takes his arm and leads him out. 116 INT. HEALTH CLUB - NEXT DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 28" Two WOMEN on Stairmasters. WOMAN V11 bet he goes out with her. It's like those actors -- as soon as they get famous -- Pfft - there goes the wife. 117 EXT. COLLEGE The dorm girls. 118 INT. POKER GAME COLLEGE GIRL He'll never cheat on Shari! The game includes Tad and Barry. 119 INT. TV STUDIO BARRY You think she really likes him? TAD She doesn't give a shit about him. BARRY You know what would be great? TAD What? BARRY If Ray would steal this girl from Ed. That would be great. POKER PLAYER #2 You know what would be even better? BARRY What? POKER PLAYER #2 If you shut your hole and played cards. Goddam pineapple brothers. The same eggheads who, earlier, had no interest in Ed. Now they're all worked up. PANEL MEMBER #1 But he's not a normal person anymore. He's a celebrity. We're no longer observing anyone's "real life." PANEL MEMBER #2 (disagreeing) But that's what's interesting! The effect of celebrity on an otherwise average person. PANEL MEMBER #3 But do you really feel that Ed is an average person? I mean this guy seems to have a... magnetism, a charisma that, I think, transcends the entire concept. PANEL MEMBER #4 I agree. He's special. They all nod. 120 INT. EWS APARTMENT - DAY " DAY 34 " Ed is opening letters and packages. There are piles of them ED This is from a girl named Tawny... this goes in the nude picture pile. Thank you, Tawny. He places it in a large pile. He opens another envelope. ED (CONT'D) Let's see. Ed stares and his smile disappears. ANGLE ON THE MAIL A picture of Ed's face with his body drawn underneath it. The body is spurting blood and is mutilated. Ed stares at it. ED Well. This is creative. This goes in the psychopath pile. The DOORBELL RINGS. ED Oh, I hope that's not this guy. (indicates psycho letter) He PICKS UP a baseball bat and crosses to the door. He opens the door. A handsome man in his early sixties is there. His name is HANK. HANK Hello. ED Hi. Ed waits. HANK You don't recognize me. ED No. Am I supposed to? Hank shrugs. Ed stares at him, then begins to look a little shaken. 121 INT. EWS MOTHER'S HOUSE Jeanette is putting a jar in the refrigerator. She glances at the television. She drops the jar. It SHATTERS... 122 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT Marcia is with her half-Asian son ANDY. She's serving his dinner. OFF-CAMERA we HEAR Cliff SINGING and the DOG HOWLING in distress. Glancing at the television, Marcia gasps. 123 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray is TYPING on a word processor. He stares curiously at the television. 124 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed is staring at Hank doubtfully. HANK It's me, Hank -- your father. RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS, excited. Many of them reach for the phone. 125 INT. REAL TV OFFICE The Real TV staff react. Cynthia looks over-- stunned. ALICE (to Cynthia) Did you do this? Did you find him and get him to-- CYNTHIA No way... Oh, this just keeps getting better. 126 INT. AL AND JEANETTE'S HOUSE - DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 35" Ed and his mother are arguing. Al is sucking oxygen and has a pile of "People" magazines with Ed on the cover. A REPAIRMAN is fixing the refrigerator. All their food is out and melting. Jeanette is trying to preserve food in an ice chest while she argues with Ed. JEANETTE I can't believe you're taking his side. ED I'm not! I'm just trying to get some facts. AL (to Ed) Sign this one to Nancy. She's the nurse who handles my urine. Ed signs. JEANETTE I told you the facts! He abandoned us -- those are the facts. ED So everything he told me yesterday was a lie. Everything. Al takes a loud breath. JEANTETTE Yes! ... practically ED What do you mean practically? Did he really run away or did you throw him out like he says. REPAIRMAN I need to replace the coil. JEANETTE (to Ed) He ran away after I threw him out. (to repairman) How much is a new coil? REPAIRMAN A hundred and fifty bucks. ED So he was telling the truth you threw him out. REPAIRMAN Should I go ahead? JEANETTE Yes. ED Yes to me or yes to the coil? JEANETTE Both. ED Holy sh-- AL This one to Dr. Bamajian. Maybe he won't make me wait an hour. Ed signs. JEANETTE He had girlfriends! ED He says -- JEANETTE I don't care what he says. Look, I don't need to relive this. On television! AL Whatever happened to Norman Rockwell? ED Who? AL Norman Rockwell. He painted magazine covers. Folksy. A mailman, a boy scout, a kid visiting a doctor... ED Yeah, so... ? AL They celebrated the common person. ED Well, I don't think you can get more common than me, Al. AL No. Only celebrities now. Now, if you put a mailman on the cover of a magazine he'd better have killed someone or no one will buy it. This one to Dr. Rumpley. Jeanette storms back in. JEANETTE All right -- do you want to know the truth? I took you and Marcia and Ray to my sister's on the train for the weekend and you all got chicken pox. So I took you home a day early and there was your father with a woman in our bed. Okay? ED Chicken pox? I was six. He didn't leave 'til I was twelve. JEANETTE He... apologized, he begged me. He can be very... charming when it suits his purpose. ED But what was that whole story about him and a nurse? JEANETTE She could've been a nurse. ED Could've been a nurse? JEANETTE She had white shoes. ED So does Grandma. So does Shaquille O'Neal. You told me you had a hysterectomy and he ran off with your nurse. JEANETTE What's the difference? ED The difference is for twenty years I thought one thing and now it's another thing. Ed nods. JEANETTE He was no good. Do you remember how he used to scream at me? You used to cover your ears with dinner rolls. JEANETTE (CONT'D) Also, no job was ever good enough for him. "Small potatoes, small potatoes." Al, you remember -- Al breathes loudly. ED Wait a minute. I thought you didn't know Al, 'til after Dad left. Pause. Even the repairman pokes his head out of the refrigerator. ED (CONT' D) Oh my God. You and Al were - and that's why you threw him out. JEANETTE He had a woman in my own bed! And how dare you call him "Dad" in front of Al. (shakes Al by the shoulder) This is your father. This is who was there for you when you needed someone. AL Jeanette, you're hurting me. ED (on the defensive) I'm not -- I didn't -- Al, you know how I feel about you... Al breathes loudly. ED (CONT'D) (uncomfortably) If I don't call you "Dad" it' just because... 1 was already a big boy when you came into our lives -- (pointedly to his mother) or when I thought you came into our lives -- JEANETTE And what did he come back now for? ED Who? JEANETTE Hank! All of a sudden. Because now you're famous and he can get something from you. I don't wan you to become a victim like Marcia. (to the TV) Not that you're a victim, honey. You're not. Life's just been a little hard on you, sweetie. ED (to Al) What do you think. I mean about... him. Should I just... have nothing to do with him? I mean... AL (to Ed) Have I ever said a bad word to you about your father? ED No. AL Well, now I will. He was a crazy mean, son-of-a-bitch. Al starts to wheel himself out. Ed looks weary. AL (CONT'D) But he was your father. 127 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's asleep. 128 INT. CONTROL TRUCK They're monitoring him. They see Ed WAKE UP. They stir. Sleepy, and scratching his ass, he goes into the bathroom. 129 INT. BATHROOM Ed shuts the door. He takes his PORTABLE PHONE OUT of a bathroom drawer. (He stashed it there.) He makes a call and waits. ED (whispering) Hi... it's me, Ed. It's been two days, I want to see you... No, I won't let them follow me, I'11 sneak out... No it's not allowed, but I'm going for it... I'm on my way. He takes CLOTHING OUT of the bathroom hamper. until he finds something acceptable. 130 INT. CONTROL TRUCK They're monitoring the empty bed. 131 INT. BATHROOM Ed is dressed. He CLIMBS OUT his bathroom window. 132 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER Shari opens her front door. ED Hi. She looks down the hallway. ED (CONT'D) They're not here. He goes in, grabs her and kisses her passionately. SHARI I tried to tell you over the phone -- my parents went to Atlantic City. ED So? SHARI So my little brother's staying here. I'm sleeping with Rita. ED Oh Je -- couldn't he sleep with Rita? We'11 all have a good time. SHARI I'm sorry. ED Come on, let's go. SHARI Where? ED Somewhere. 133 INT. ED'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER They get in. They look at each other. ED Do you want to go to a motel? SHARI I feel like a criminal or, like we're cheating on someone. ED (nicely) Just... just relax. Okay? We won't do anything. We'11 just sit here for a while. SHARI Okay. ED Come on... Gently he puts his arm around her. At first, she hesitates, but then curls up against him and relaxes. ED (CONT'D) I need to talk. SHARI Are you all right? ED She lied to me. I mean all my life, she's telling me one story and then... it turns out to be a completely different story. Come to me at some point -- tell me the truth. No. Not in my house. The truth is a stranger. And this is why Ray and Marcia are the way they are. Marcia gets involved with all these losers and sees no problem with herself - "How do they find me" she says. Ray cheats on you and then blames me for it. I'm the only one in the family who takes any responsibility for himself... Oh, man... Are you all right? SHARI (hesitantly) Yeah... I saw that girl come on to you at the TV show. ED Oh that was... no, I ... she just kind of trapped me into giving her a ride. It's you. I want you. SHARI ...yeah? He TOUCHES her. They KISS. Then again. Their hands are roaming. They're hot. They're breathing hard. He's unbuttoning her blouse. Their hands are all over each other. Her blouse comes off. LIGHTS GO ON. They see cameras, shooting at them. Shari SCREAMS and covers her breasts. 134 INT. TV - DAY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Good morning. Welcome to another day of Ed TV. Last night, while most of us were asleep ... this happened. 135 INT. FRAT HOUSE - MORNING FOUR GUYS in a disgustingly messy room, watching the replay of Ed and Shari. FRAT GUYS Yes!! They GYRATE LEWDLY. 136 EXT. STREET - DAY Shari is working. Ed is following her around. Shari is ANGRY. The cameras are there. SHARI Get them away from me. She takes PACKAGES OUT OF the TRUCK and THROWS them at the cameramen. ED It's not their fault. SHARI No. It's your fault. She throws a package at him. ED What do you want me to do? You want me to quit the show?! SHARI No... Could you? ED No. If I quit I don't get the balloon payment. SHARI The what? ED Ray borrowed this whole tub of money against this balloon payment that I don't get if I qu -- it's too complicated. I -- Besides... SHARI What? Pause. ED You see how people look at me. Like when they ask for my autograph or say "Hi" to me... It's like I'm a basketball player or a... you know, like I'm someone. SHARI Everybody's someone. ED Well, yeah, everybody's someone. But I mean someone they want to be. I mean let's face it, I'm working in the video store, no one's coming in saying "oh, I wish I was that guy. 1 wish was rewinding that huge pile of tapes." At least for a month I'm not just a guy with a name tag. I'm famous. A GUY YELLS from across the street. GUY Shari! Nice nipples. ED And so are you. GUYS keep YELLING "Shari!" She tries to go after them. Ed holds her back. SHARI I don't want to be famous for getting caught with my shirt off. If I'm going to be famous -- The camera is right in her face. She grabs it. SHARI (CONT'D) (to the camera person) This is going right up your ass. ED Come on. He returns the camera. Shari starts for her truck. SHARI Look... maybe we just better put us on hold until this is over. She gets in her truck. ED Come on! Loosen up. (trying to joke) See -- this is why seventy-one per cent of the people don't like you. She SLAMS the TRUCK DOOR. ED (CONT'D) It was a joke! A... vicious, thoughtless stupid joke. He bangs himself in the head. She drives away. He BOWS. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) And that, for you kids out there, is how you screw up a relationship. 137 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed enters. He's worn out. He plops down, and puts on the TV. ED (to the camera) I'm gonna watch anything but me. Ed is flipping stations. Something makes him stop. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Coming in two weeks to the Lifestyle Channel -- Joma. His Dad's a cop, his brother's a bouncer in a topless bar, his sister is a black-belt social worker -- and Joma's living with two gals. ANGLE ON THE TV We see JOMA. He has a lot of charisma. He seems a little dangerous, but in an exciting way. JOMA Hey, Ed! I'm coming to get you, man! I'm gonna eat you right up! (makes gobbling-up noises) ANGLE ON ED Watching. He's stunned. 138 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY They're watching a tape of Ed TV. Ed has just entered his own apartment. A WOMAN is there, sitting on his sofa. She's caressing Ed's undershorts against her cheek. Ed is highly agitated. ED How did you get into my apartment?! The BODYGUARD is pulling her out. REVEAL that Scharlach, McIlvaine, Seaver, Cynthia and Greg are all watching. McILVAINE What is she holding? GREG (calmly) A pair of Ed's underwear. McILVAINE Oh my God! ON the TAPE, the woman while being forcibly evicted, offers the underwear to Ed. Ed recoils. ED No -- keep it. WOMAN I love you! 1 want to marry you! She's hauled out. They stop the tape. SCHARLACH See -- that's television! This other thing, this Jama, that has "stink" written all over it. GREG The break-up with Shari was very big. Big ratings. SEAVER Only, Cynthia, seriously. Tell Ed not to sneak out anymore. SCHARLACH Cynthia ... He wants it accomplished. 139 EXT. STREET - DAY SEAVER (CONT'D) It's in violation of his contract and if we wanted to be hard-nosed about it, he could forfeit all pay, including money he's already received. CYNTHIA (dutifully, but a tad resentfully) I will see that he's properly threatened. SCHARLACH Now what? What's on the young man's agenda? We don't want to see him sitting around like a lovesick puppy. GREG Young males do not want to see Ed get back with Shari. SCHARLACH (impatiently) Enough with her. That sailed. McILVAINE Could Ed live with two girls? GREG You know who the audience is requesting a lot? That girl, Jill, that Ed met at the Letterman show. She really scored. SCHARLACH Cynthia... He wants it accomplished. 139 EXT. STREET - DAY Ed is walking from his car to a building. CROWDS are behind barricades. They YELL at Ed as he passes. Ed is used to this. 140 INT. SHARI'S BUILDING - DAY Rita OPENS the door and sees Ed. RITA (nervously) Oh. Ed. ED Hi. Is Shari here? RITA No. ED What is she, at work? RITA She left. ED Well, when will she be back? RITA She won't. ED What are you talking about? RITA She left. She moved. She got Fed-Ex to give her a transfer and she left. She couldn't stand it anymore. We had people, news people, regular people, just sleeping in our hallway, going through our mail, our garbage. I mean it was she couldn't take it anymore. Now I've got to move. I can't afford this place by myself. ED I'm sorry. Where'd they send her? RITA She wouldn't tell me. 141 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's off the air. He's a little down. He's ON the PHONE- INTERCUT WITH: 142 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM She's working out an a contraption. ED Remember when you were interviewing me? (details to follow) 143 EXT. PARK - DAY CYNTHIA Yeah. ED You asked me if I had a dream. I said "Sure, I have a dream. I just don't know what it is yet." CYNTHIA Great line. ED What if Shari's the dream? CYNTHIA Ed, do you want my advice? ED Yeah, that's why I called. I mean, maybe Fed-Ex would tell me where she moved -- CYNTHIA Leave her be. ED You said a woman likes to be pursued. CYNTHIA Pursued, not harassed. Give it some space. Can I tell you something -- as a friend? My sister was going with a guy they hit a little rough spot they started seeing other people they got back together and last month they had their third child For what it's worth. OPEN ON ANDY, Ed's half-Asian nephew. He's eight. He's wearing a baseball glove. ANDY Throw me a high one, Uncle Eddie. ED (O.C.) Okay. REVEAL ED, also wearing a baseball glove. He throws a high pop up to Andy. Andy staggers around and almost catches it. ED Oh!! JILL (0.C.) We have to stop meeting like this. ED Hm? REVEAL JILL, walking a DOG. it takes just a second to recognize her. ED (CONT'D) Oh, hi. Ed is hit with the ball. ANDY Sorry. REVEAL the Real TV Staff watching this on television in their office. As Ed and Jill chat in the background. ALICE (to Cynthia) Did you arrange this? CYNTHIA (points to the TV) Whose dog is that? ALICE (surprised) That's your dog. Cynthia doesn't even smile. MONTAGE INTERSPERSED IN THE MONTAGE ARE SHOTS OF PEOPLE WATCHING THEM ON TV 1. Ed and Jill going into a chic club -- ushered in immediately. Here, as in the other times we see her, Jill is comfortable with the situation. She's the opposite of Shari. She poses willingly. She chats easily with paparazzi. She clings to Ed. There's nothing overt or obnoxious about her. She's just comfortable and good at it and always looks great. 2. INTERVIEW with the guys who didn't like Shari. GUY #1 Way to go, Ed! GUY # 2 Now, we're talking! 3. A N.Y. Post story: "Readers Pick Jill over Shari." Pictures of both women. Jill looks great. Shari is in her uniform and looks like a mouse. 4. SHARI In a new apartment. Watching Ed and Jill on TV. She's very unhappy. She turns it off. 5. Ed and Jill at the nice restaurant he was at with Shari earlier. It looks like he's starting to like her. 6. Ed is refereeing a pro-wrestling match. He counts out the villain who, then, jumps up and chases him out of the ring. 144 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT "DAY 47" Ed and Jill are in a HEAVY LIPLOCK. Carlos is right there with the camera. Unlike Shari, Jill seems unself-conscious. She's getting Ed pretty turned-on. SHOTS of VIEWERS, also turned on, especially the men. JILL You want to? It's clear what she means. Ed is conflicted. He's clearly aroused. ED Um... It's kind of ... He looks for his watch on the wrong wrist, then seems to check all around his body until he discovers it. JILL Are you busy tomorrow night? ED No. JILL Why don't you come over. And I'11 make dinner. And you bring a movie. And ... We'11 make a night of it ... okay? ED (nervously) Sure. 145 EXT. STREET - DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 48" Ed is walking, the camera following. He looks tense. People SHOUT "Hey, Ed" "Ed-die" etc. ANGLE ON A NEWSPAPER VENDING MACHINE The New York Post front page -- "Is tonight the Night?" with a picture of Ed and Jill kissing. ANGLE ON ED ED Oh man... CON ED GUY Hey, Eddie. Ed looks up. CON ED GUY (CONT'D) (giving the "thumbs up") Go for it! Ed continues down the street. People YELL to him "Good luck tonight," "We're rooting for you" etc. A STREET CHARACTER walks alongside for a minute. STREET CHARACTER Hey, man. This is Haitian Love Juice. (he produces a vial) You give her this, she be yours. Security grabs him and the vial falls and breaks. The liquid hits the pavement and smokes up. ED (looking at the smoke) Jesus! More shouts "Be gentle", "We'11 be watching", "Use a condom" etc. A SCHOOL BUS passes. The KIDS YELL out the window to Ed. KIDS (in unison) Good luck! 146 EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT There is no line. At TICKET TAKER sits, bored. No one is going in or coming out. 147 EXT. STREET It's deserted. 148 EXT. RESTAURANT It's empty. The HEADWAITER stands in the doorway with nothing to do. 149 INT. LIVING ROOM A PARTY is in progress. The TV is on. On TV Ed is in a liquor store, buying a bottle of wine. Ed is dressed for his date. The people at the party are watching TV and commenting. It's like a Super bowl party. VOICE (O.C.) What's he doing? PARTYGOER He's buying wine! 150 INT. BEDROOM Several high-school age BOYS. They have made themselves look like Ed. They're very excited. TEEN-AGE BOY #1 You think he's gonna do it? TEEN-AGE BOY #2 Hell yeah. The guy hasn't had any sex in six weeks. TEEN-AGE BOY #3 Neither have we. 151 EXT. STREET Ed's car turns the corner and he sees a CROWD gathered around Jill's building. 152 EXT. BUILDING ED (understating) I'm starting to feel a little pressure. Ed carrying his wine enters to APPLAUSE and CHEERS. 153 EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET A LONG SHOT encompasses all the houses on the block. Their living room TV's are visible. All but one are tuned to Ed. 154 INT. JILL'S KITCHEN Something is cooking. Jill picks up a plate of something - dip and cut vegetables for instance. She starts to exit the kitchen as Ed and Carlos enter. Ed and Jill have a soft collision. JILL Oh. ED Can I help with anything? JILL No. It's going to be about a half-hour. ED What is? Oh, dinner! SELF-CONSCIOUSLY. He takes a vegetable, dips it and eats it. ED (CONT'D) Mm. JILL Good? ED Mm. They look at each other. Jill leans forward and kisses him. She puts the tray of vegetables on the counter. They continue to kiss. 155 INT. BEDROOM The high school boys are CHANTING. 156 INT. DORM ROOM BOYS Ed -- Ed -- Ed -- Ed... COLLEGE GIRLS (same ones as before). COLLEGE GIRL #1 Oh, I hope she makes love to him! COLLEGE GIRL #2 I thought you didn't like her. COLLEGE GIRL #1 I don't, but I want him to be happy- RAPID SHOTS of other VIEWERS, watching, transfixed -- 157 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT Ed and Jill are making out. They begin taking each other's clothes off. They're passing the point of no return. It's going to happen right there in the kitchen. Ed and Jill, in heavy heat, back up to the kitchen table and climb on to it. They continue to pull at their own and each, other's clothing. They're making passionate noises. 158 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Shari is not watching television. She's eating a little meal she's made for herself. She HEARS PEOPLE in her building cheering and whooping. She looks miserable. 159 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR (slightly panicky) Someone say the word, how far can we go here? 160 INT. REAL TV OFFICE Cynthia and her staff are watching. Cynthia is ON THE PHONE- CYNTHIA (into phone) Stay with them ... don't leave yet... not yet ... Jill is on top of Ed. Carried away with passion, Ed attempts to roll her over and get on top. He does, but rolls too far. He crashes off the table, to the floor, face up. ED (in pain) Ohhh... JILL Ed? ED Ohh... do you own a cat? JILL Yeah. Why? He looks at her apologetically. 161 EXT. JILL'S BUILDING Ed is being loaded into an AMBULANCE. He looks humiliated. PEOPLE in the street are applauding politely as if Ed were an injured ballplayer being carried off the field. Jill is by the ambulance. She's PETTING a CAT who looks all right. PHOTOGRAPHERS are taking her picture. She's posing willingly. The ambulance drives off as Jill continues to pose. 162 INT. TV STUDIO Written on the screen -- "Day 49" The taping of "The Tonight Show" or "the Late Show" -- once again, whichever we have a prayer of getting. The MONOLOGUE is in progress. JAY (OR DAVE) (mock annoyed) So I guess you were all watching Ed last night. The AUDIENCE goes wild. JAY (CONT'D) This got the highest rating of the year, since the Super Bowl. I guess that makes sense. After all, Ed is now the Buffalo Bills of sex. BIG LAUGHS 163 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Scharlach EATING. He's stunned. SCHARLACH What?! REVEAL CYNTHIA CYNTHIA Take him off the air. SCHARLACH What are you talking about? He's fine. He's out of the hospital already. The ratings are higher than ever. CYNTHIA I'm telling you, it's peaked. Ed TV is an over-inflated balloon. Get it off before it explodes all over us. He thinks. SCHARLACH With all due respect, Cynthia you're nuts. I'm giving him another month! CYNTHIA (coldly) Good luck. 164 EXT. STREET - DAY "DAY 54" Ed is walking. He's wearing a white, Velcro support around his waist. He's agitated. He's carrying a copy of the New York Post. ED Look at this! WE SEE a headline -- "Ed: She Broke My heart." ED She did not! (venting) You know what she did? ED (CONT'D) She went out to California and got one of those scandal agents. One of those agents who handle, like... Gennifer Flowers and... Kato Kaelin and Joey Buttafuco. That's what she -- A GUY YELLS AT ED GUY Hey Ed! ... She was a little too much for you, huh? Must run in the family. ED (angry) Oh -- like this guy's ever been with a woman. (yells) How about I kick your ass 'til the crack goes the other way? (to the camera) All of a sudden, I'm like fair game for everyone. I'm like -- He stops and looks like he's in shock. He stares in through the display window of a bookstore. ANGLE ON, a big DISPLAY of cheap, rushed-out, exploitation books. On the cover we read "My Brother Pissed On Me By Raymond L. Pekurny.11 And there's an old photo of two little boys. (Ed and Ray) ED Oh my -- He wrote a book?! Ray wrote a book?! He never read a book! 165 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT "DAY 58" It's the hallway of a cheap hotel. Ed and the camera come off the elevator. Ed looks at room numbers. He can HEAR the noise from all the rooms. A radio -- a domestic disturbance -- a baby crying -- it's a horror. He KNOCKS ON a door. HANK (O.C.) Who is it? ED It's Ed. The door opens REVEALING Ed's father. HANK Ed! Come in - They enter. 166 INT. HOTEL ROOM It's depressing. There's a liquor bottle on the dresser. Ed sees it. HANK (CONT'D) How've you been? Ed SHRUGS. HANK (CONT'D) They don't get cable here, so 1 can't watch you. Ed just GRUNTS. Hank takes LAUNDRY off a chair. HANK (CONT'D) Sit down. He does. He looks around. HANK (CONT'D) Quite a shithole, isn't it? ED It could be, if you fixed it up. How did you... ? I mean how does anyone ... wind up like this? HANK I was in jail. ED The whole time? Eighteen years? HANK No. Two times. ED What... HANK Check forging. ED Oh, man! So... HANK The last two years, I've been a limousine driver, but I don't see well anymore, so... ED So you saw me on TV and you said "Hey, let me jump on this." HANK I need help. How many times if just one little thing that I needed would've happened, it would've changed everything. If I had a few dollars when an opportunity came along or... the tumblers just never clicked for me. Ed doesn't know what to say. He's bitter towards Hank, but there's also some empathy. ED (to the camera) All right... This is my father, I don't know what the hell he can do, but if anyone out there can help him -- get him a job - I'11 ... help you. I'11 ... mention your business or ... I don't know, we'11 figure it out. (quickly, to Hank) I gotta go. HANK Ed... I'm sorry. ED (still bitter) Yeah? That's good. Sorry is good. You know I finished that model. HANK What... ED The pirate ship. Hank looks blankly at him. ED (CONT'D) -- That we were doing "together." I finished it. It came out great! Because no one was standing over my shoulder bothering me - "That's too much glue. You're using too much glue." HANK Do you still have it? ED No. Ray sat on it. I'11 see you. He exits. Out in the hallway, he leans back against the door, drained. The camera is right on him, soaking it up. 167 INT. TV STUDIO The same PBS-type panel of smart-looking people we met earlier. WE OPEN ON about half the panel. MODERATOR Let's hear from our guest panelist. You've expressed some interesting thoughts on this, subject. What do you see as the meaning, if there is any, of Ed TV, John. REVEAL JOHN, sitting comfortably on the panel, looking very wise. JOHN I feel that Ed is the apotheosis of a prevailing American syndrome. It used to be that someone became famous because they were special. Now people are considered special just for being famous. Fame, itself, is now a moral good in this country. It's its own virtue. The others NOD appreciatively as John puts a PIPE in his mouth. TV INTERVIEWS OLD GUY I was Ed's Little League coach. He had no coordination. The big game, he struck cut with the bases loaded. Then he cried like a woman. It was sickening. CUT TO: OLD WOMAN I was his third grade teacher. I said "Take him for tests. There's something wrong with him." They didn't listen. CUT TO: ANOTHER GUY He used to steal things from my store. At least I think it was him. Yeah, it was probably him. 168 EXT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY A MAN, on the sidewalk, has a STUFFED CAT stuck to his back to tease Ed. CAT MAN Hey, look, I just fell off a table! Suddenly, a TUBFUL OF WATER crashes down on him. 169 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Ed at the window, with a now empty plastic tub. ED (yelling down) Okay, is that funny? Then he throws the tub out the window. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) How was that? Was that funny?! 170 INT. NETWORK OFFICE "DAY 78" Again, everyone there, including Cynthia. A Honcho is reading a report. HONCHO #1 Of more concern than the sag in Ed's ratings is what viewers are feeling about him now. The positives are down and the negatives are up. There's a feeling that Ed isn't cool anymore. We're starting to see a big L.F. GREG Hm? HONCHO #1 L.F. Loser Factor. HONCHO #2 That's deadly. McILVAINE Not necessarily. I mean instead of running from the L.F., run with it. Create more moments like the table thing. We can package a video "Ed's Goofiest Moments." Let him be America's Goofball. CYNTHIA Isn't this getting kind of pathetic. I mean we drank the juice, now we're just licking peel. Let it go! SCHARLACH Cynthia, I think you're laboring under a misconception. You seem to believe that because you happened to predict this, we should be impressed. We're not. Anybody in any business can predict failure. 1 need people who prevent failure. I want to see this thing turned back in the right direction. Remember this was your baby. 171 INT. BAR - NIGHT "DAY 94" Tad and Barry -- as we met them, originally -- are watching TV. They're really enjoying it -- laughing, pounding the table. TAD I don't know, I still love this guy. BARRY Yeah only I wish they had the sister on more. TAD Ooh, the sister! She is hot. BARRY You know it. REVEAL that they are watching Joma. On the TV -- Joma is eating dinner in his apartment with TWO attractive WOMEN, who, apparently, both live there. Joma is upset (but he's funny when he's upset). What's upsetting him is that across the alley, in a window of another building, he can plainly see an OVERWEIGHT MAN, with his shirt off, exercising. The overweight man is apparently watching an exercise video and is bouncing up and down in place causing everything to jiggle unpleasantly. JOMA'S FRIEND Ignore him. JOMA I can't! It's like a mudslide. (screams out the window) Put on a shirt! ANGLE ON TAD AND BARRY, HYSTERICAL ANGLE ON TV JOMA (CONT'D) (yelling) I support the fact that your exercising but, for the love of God, put on a shirt. JOMA'S FRIEND (to Joma) Shut the curtains. JOMA No! Let him shut the curtains. TAD AND BARRY Laughing and wiping their eyes. 172 INT. ED'S BEDROOM Off the air. Ed ON the PHONE. INTERCUT WITH CYNTHIA ED This Joma is so phoney! I mean, those things aren't really happening. I think they have writers making that stuff up for him. Hey, couldn't we do that? Hire some writers and have them write up some crazy situations I could get into? She's listening, amazed. CYNTHIA Ed, everything goes off. "Cheers" went off. "Mash" went off -- ED (getting angry) Yeah, but when they went off people weren't making fun of them. They weren't bozos! I'm Pumpkin Ass again! CYNTHIA (getting annoyed) Ed -- ED You know, everything you asked me to do I did. I call you for advice about Shari you say - (mocking imitation) "Leave her be, see other people for a while." You just wanted me to get involved with Jill because it made for a better show. CYNTHIA Ed -- ED No. You screwed up my life just so you could get higher ratings. You never gave a shit about me. CYNTHIA Yeah? Well I'm not starting now. She HANGS UP and has an acid reflux. 173 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT Ed and John are playing. JOHN Look, you put anybody on TV sixteen hours a day, at some point they're going to wind up rolling off a table on to a cat. I mean with no privacy, there's no... dignity. Ed thinks. Pause. ED You know about that fireman who rescued that little girl? JOHN When? Today? ED No! Like, ten years ago. In Texas. Baby... (tries to remember) Jessica! JOHN Oh right, right! She fell down, like a... ED Yeah, a thing. He became a big hero. He was on TV and there was a parade and a movie about him JOHN Right, right... ED And then, uh... you know it blew over and he went back to being a fireman again. JOHN (cheerfully) Right. ED So he killed himself. JOHN (a little shaken) Oh. SILENCE. The cell phone RINGS. Ed PICKS UP the phone. ED Hello. INTERCUT WITH JEANETTE IN A HOSPITAL She's crying. JEANETTE Eddie... ED Mom? JEANETTE I'm at the hospital. ED What's the matter?! JEANETTE He's dead! Eddie, he's dead! It was his heart. ED Oh God. What hospital? JEANETTE St. Joseph's. ED I'm coming right over. I'll be right there. He hangs up. 174 INT. TAD'S HOUSE Tad is watching TV and talking an the phone. TAD I told you! I told you he was gonna die! 175 INT. HOSPITAL - AN HOUR LATER Ed rushes in. He goes up to the desk. Carlos is with him. ED Hi. I'm looking for my mother. Her name is -- A DOCTOR spots him. DR. GELLER Mr. Pekurny. ED Yes? DR. GELLER I'm Dr. Geller. Your mother is just lying down for a few minutes. we gave her something to calm her down. ED Thank you. Can I see her? DR. GELLER Just wait here. She's coming right back out. ED Mm... (wearily) Oh, man... DR. GELLER (sympathetically) ED What about him -- did he suffer any or was it quick? I'd hate to think he... DR. GELLER Very quick. Between you and me, it's not a bad way to go. Making love to your wife... it's very sweet. ED Really? They were.. DR. GELLER (nods) According to your mother. When the paramedics got to the hotel, she told them that -- ED Hotel? What were they doing in a hotel? DR. GELLER I ... don't know. I ... VOICE (O.C.) Eddie. Thank God you're here. Eddie looks across the room and sees Al in his wheelchair, just entering from outside. He wheels towards Ed. AL How's your mother? ED (shocked) Al! AL Our neighbors gave me a ride. ED Al!! AL Where is she? Is she all right? Ed turns to the doctor. ED I thought -- I thought he was dead. DR. GELLER Who? ED Al! DR. GELLER No. (reads his chart) The deceased is ... Henry Pekurny. 176 INT. TAD'S HOUSE TAD (stunned) Good twist! 177 INT. HOSPITAL AL You thought it was me? ED Yes! AL It's your father. Hank. Your mother went to see him and he had a heart attack. ED Went -- Again, Ed turns to the doctor. NURSE Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack wants to see you. DR. GELLER (to Ed) Excuse me. NURSE (to Ed) Could I get your autograph for my niece? ED (distracted) Um... yeah... Jeanette enters. JEANETTE Al! How did you -- AL The Burkharts drove me. Are you all right? JEANETTE (nervously) I'm fine. I ... AL Good. I gotta pee. He wheels off. Jeanette and Ed are left alone. ED (loud whisper) What happened? JEANETTE It was horrible. He called me up. ED Who? JEANETTE Hank! He said he wanted to talk to me to apologize for everything he begged -- he cried. So I went to this horrible hotel he was staying in... I felt so sorry for him -- ED So you had sex with him? Jeanette GASPS. JEANETTE What? ED The doctor said you were having sex. JEANETTE (horrified) To you? In front of him? (indicates Carlos) With the... ED Yes. He assumed Hank was your husband. He didn't know. JEANETTE Oh my god! On TV! ED Why? How... JEANETTE One thing led to another. He was my husband once. ED But Al is your husband now! JEANETTE Do you think it's been easy for me? It's been years. Al can't have sex. ED Apparently, neither can Hank. What the hell did you do to him? Al comes rolling back, SINGING. AL "Lovely Rita, the Meter Maid... 178 INT. TV STUDIO JEANETTE (whispers) Don't tell Al. He doesn't know. ED (points to the camera) Well, he's the only one in America who doesn't! OPRAH or RICKI or GERALDO or someone. OPRAH Women who remarry but have sex with their first husbands. on today's Oprah. 179 INT. TV STUDIO Our same panel of pundits. PANELIST #3 Ed's family is the tip of the iceberg. You watch the daytime tabloid shows it's the same thing. I'm telling you, America is fast becoming a trailer park. PANELIST #2 Let's not overstate the case. There are millions of hard- working, sensible, moral, educated people in this country. Not every family is like Ed's. REVEAL ED watching this discussion on TV. 180 INT. TV STUDIO DAVE OR JAY A CHART is set up with little pictures. DAVE/JAY So let's recap. The mother's too good at it, both brothers stink at it. (there's a drawing of a figure falling of a table) The stepfather can't do it at all and the father did it but it killed him. (there's a drawing of a tombstone) How did this family ever reproduce in the first place? 181 EXT. CEMETERY GATES - DAY Ed is driving Jeanette and Al to the funeral. A CROWD is held back by POLICE. Someone yells "Adulterer". Someone else tries to offer Ed a lunchbox. Someone else is carrying a sign "What a Way to Go". 182 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Hank's COFFIN is being carried to his gravesite. Ed, Ray and Marcia are pall bearers. One of the others pall bearers is Ed's BODYGUARD. The OTHERS TWO are two guys who work for the mortuary. Carlos is shooting. ED (to Ray) You're not going to talk to me? You're not even gonna say hello? RAY I have nothing to say to you. Ed gives up. He turns to Marcia. ED How are you doing? Is Cliff here? She doesn't answer. Ed reacts. RAY Cliff left her, thanks to you. ED Me?! RAY That's right. You put Cliff on television. So then he decided he was too good for her and he left. ED I put his -- who -- (to Marcia) Look, Marsh, he's not that good a singer, he'll be back. MARCIA (too loudly) That's not funny!! Ed CRINGES. 183 EXT. GRAVESITE - A LITTLE LATER The service ends. The small group begins to walk away. Ray and Marcia go off together, ignoring Ed. Jeanette is attempting to wheel Al away from the grave, but she's hitting ruts. Ed approaches. ED I'11 take it. JEANTTE (to Al, uncomfortably) Sweetheart, I'm gonna go ahead and sign all the papers. AL Right. She touches him but he pulls away. Ed wheels Al. ED Are things gonna be okay with you and Mom? Is there anything I can -- AL I'm moving out. ED What?! AL I'm going to be living with my brother. He's not in such good shape as I am, but... I'm looking forward to the pillow fights. ED (really upset) Oh, Al ... This is just... AL Hank was always good with the ladies. Always good-looking. Hell, he's been dead for two days, he still looks better than me. He stops wheeling and crouches down next to Al. ED I want to tell you something... I love you. You're my father. Pause. AL I love you, too. Al KISSES him. AL (CONT'D) I'11 build a pirate ship with you. Ed wheels him away. 184 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE She's watching. She's genuinely moved. She wipes her eyes. 185 INT. BAR - NIGHT This place is sleazy. Ed enters, worn out. He crosses to the bar where we find, Jeanette nursing a drink. She's not drunk, but she is wallowing. ED Hi, Ma. JEANETTE (startled) Ed! How did you know I was here? ED You're famous. Somebody called me. What are you doing in a place like this? JEANETTE Why shouldn't I be in a place like this? I'm a whore! ED (cringes) Ma... JEANETTE I'm a tramp (pulls on the sleeve of the man next to her) Meet your new father. The whole nation is laughing at us! ED And how is this helping? come on say, good-night to all your new friends and let's go home. JEANETTE (exiting) I'm a whore! (yells at an employee) Your bathrooms are filthy! They're out. 186 EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS Ed is helping Jeanette. Ray arrives. He's ANGRY. RAY I'11 take her. You humiliated our mother on national television. You've single- handedly destroyed this family. ED I -- Oh, but that book you wrote was a real love-letter. That... toilet paper with covers. BYSTANDER #1 That book sucked. I want my money back. ED Oh great. Where's Moe? He looks around. Moe is gone. RAY Come on, Ma. ED (to Ray) Let's remember how I got into this. "Please, Eddie, do this for me. I can't get a break." (pretends to cry) RAY You know what your problem is? ED Yeah. My problem is I've got a brother who writes a sentence like "We grew up in a small, little bedroom." As opposed to a big, little bedroom? RAY I got paid by the word! No! Your problem is you don't ever want anything to be your fault. ED Me?! That's you! RAY I commit. I take a chance. You wanted to be the guy on TV, but you didn't want to say you wanted to. So you have me talk you into it so you get what you want, but if it goes bad it's not your fault. BYSTANDER #2 Right. Like you say you love Shari, but, you wouldn't mind noodling that model. ED Moe! BYSTANDER #3 The truth hurts. ED Yeah? So does a kick in the nuts. RAY For once in your life, be honest with yourself. I know you, Ed. I know you look at me and Marcia and Mom and you think you're different. You're like "How did I end up in this family?" You're not different. you're worse. Because you have no guts. You drift around, you don't commit, you make fun of me -- okay. Just don't kid yourself. (to Jeanette) Let's go. JEANETTE You're both good boys. Ray and Jeanette leave. 187 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ed is there along with Cynthia and the Network Execs. There are more execs than before. Cynthia's people are not there. This entire meeting is on ED TV. Cynthia is quiet - observing. Ed looks whipped. ED Three more months? MR. SCHARLACH Absolutely! Ed TV is more popular than ever. Congratulations. McILVAINE Only, Ed, we want you, in the next few weeks to spend a lot more time with your family. ED You do? SEAVER Definitely. Cynthia, explain it to him. Cynthia just stares at her, COLDLY. SEAVER (CONT'D) I'11 do it. (to Ed) People want to see what happens to them now. Do your mother and step-father get back together? How does your sister handle being alone? Your feud with your brother. SCHARLACH In fact, we have a new concept. Since your family signed releases, we can follow them on camera even when you're not with them. We can cut around from family member to family member. Whoever's the most exciting at that moment. McILVAINE And, of course, it's another big bonus payment for you. Pause. ED A couple of years ago my Uncle Roy got bit on the ass by a dog. Silence. What the hell is he talking about? ED (CONT'D) So he gave me his tickets to the U.S. Open -- the tennis matches. They still have no idea what he's talking about. ED (CONT'D) So me and Ray, we tell our friends "Watch when Andre Agassi is gonna serve for the first time. When he's bouncing the ball and it's real quiet, we'11 yell "Whoop". And you'11 all hear us." Pause. SCHARLACH I see. (he doesn't) ED You know what that is? It's sad. I mean it was just so we could be heard. So we could stand out from the crowd for a second. So we did it. But we had nothing to say. Just "Whoop". That's it. And the stupid part I mean the really stupid part is we thought it like... elevated us above the crowd. Where the fact is it made us stupider than the crowd. SCHARLACH I see. ED Stop saying "I see." You don't see. Cynthia, I owe you an apology. CYNTHIA I don't think so. ED Yeah. Because, you didn't talk me into anything. Everything you wanted me to do, I wanted to do. 188 INT. SHARI'S PLACE Shari watching Ed TV. 189 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM ED (to the camera) Ray, you were right. It's like in school. I was always saying "the room was too hot, the teacher didn't like me" -- but it was me! Everything that's wrong with my life I did. Okay? So now this is it. My family has problems. Which are our fault. And TV is not the place to solve them. So I quit. I'm taking what very little dignity I've got left and I quit. Can someone validate my parking? Pause. SHOCK. MR. SCHARLACH Well, Ed, that's ... not really possible. ED All right, I'11 pay for the parking. Big network! Scharlach speaks carefully - gently. He's aware of the camera. He doesn't want to come off as a villain. SCHARLACH No, I mean you can't quit. Ed thinks. ED I can't? MR. SCHARLACH (very gently) Well, no. You agreed to stay on the air as long as we asked you to. The station entered into this on that understanding. If you had refused we'd have begun this with somebody else. You can't just change the rules in the middle of the game, son. It's not fair to us. More importantly, it's not fair to the viewers. They're interested in you. They've devoted hours and days and weeks of their lives to you. ED Look, if you don't let me out of this... I'11 just... I'11 just sit in my apartment all day. I won't go anywhere, I won't do anything. What kind of show will that be? MR. SCHARLACH Not too good. That's why it states in your contract that if you do not continue to live a normal life, you're in violation and are liable for the station's financial losses. Ed, I urge you to reconsider. I urge you on behalf of all those people out there whose lives have become so entwined with yours. Play fair with them, Ed. ED All right. Let them decide. He turns right to the camera. ED (CONT'D) I'd like you all to do me a favor. Turn me off. Just grab the remote and change the channel. I mean, basically, all you're watching now is a guy deteriorate. The only thing missing is the smell. You're better than that Turn me off. Thank you. 190 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE Greg bursts in, carrying a sheet of paper. GREG Ratings are up across the board. Look at this! (drones on) Men 18 to 35, women 18 to 35 ... Cynthia stares, amazed. 191 EXT. STREET Ed WALKING ZOMBIE-LIKE- CROWDS SWARM. 192 INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is with STEVE, a lawyer. Steve has a huge contract on his desk. STEVE This contract you signed? ... It's a masterpiece. Don't go to war with these guys. You fart in the wrong direction they can take everything you own and leave you naked by the side of the road. You ever going to get back with that Jill? Ooh -- she was nice. Shari, I didn't like that much ("imitates" a gabby girl) "yet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet." ED Shut up. 193 INT. DINER - NIGHT Ed is sitting alone, eating lunch. He's surrounded by cameras and shielded by BODYGUARDS. OUTSIDE the diner a CROWD of rubberneckers is out on the sidewalk, looking in at him, some of them acting up, some just staring in. Ed is tired. He glances out the window and makes a MONKEY FACE. Suddenly, he FREEZES. He sees Shari's face in the crowd. She puts her fist in her mouth. 194 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Ed and Shari are walking -- on camera. SHARI 1 bailed. I bailed on you. ED Kinda'. SHARI It's what I do. I yell "Geronimo" and jump out of a relationship. He laughs. Pause. SHARI (CONT'D) You weren't able to make me feel safe or secure -- no easy job for any man, I admit -- and my problem is, if I think I'm losing, I pull myself out of the game. I bail. See? I told you, I'm the love coroner. ED What did you do to your hair? SHARI My truck overheated, so I opened the hood and my hair got caught in the fan belt. So I had to get a haircut. ED It's nice. He touches her hair. They leap on each other. They're KISSING. 195 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Big meeting. Many Honchos, including Scharlach and Cynthia. All but Cynthia are focused. Cynthia looks bored. HONCHO #l I think this could be great. What if Ed and Shari decide to get married? A wedding? The cute, little half-Asian nephew in a tuxedo, carrying the ring on one of those big fluffy pillows - we'11 kill. A sixty share. A secretary (MILDRED) enters. She's a little flustered. MILDRED Um... Mr. Scharlach, um -- you're not watching TV? SCHARLACH No, Mildred, we're working. MILDRED Um... Ed -- and Shari are -- SEAVER Engaged? MILDRED No. Here. They're in the building. They're on their way up. Scharlach indicates that he wants someone to turn on the TV. Someone does and they see Ed and Shari coming down the hall. They enter the conference room. The cameras, of course, are with them. Ed is carrying a CARTON. ED Hi, kids. Busy? MUCH CONFUSION ED (CONT'D) I just came up to pass out these Ed TV hats. He takes a lot of HATS out of the carton and begins placing on the heads of the Honchos. ED (CONT'D) A guy made these up for me. He spelled Ed with two D's. Okay, listen. The real reason I came up here -- and then I'11 get out of your way -- is I've been thinking about what you said. About let's start having more fun with this show, you know? Let's give it a big kick in the ass. HONCHO #1 Well, we were thinking -- ED (cheerfully) Shut up. He takes back that Honcho's hat. ED (CONT'D) Let's have a contest. Now this would mostly be open to professional investigators and detectives. But anyone can join in. SHARI (rehearsed) What do we have to do? ED My lovely assistant, Shari. I'm glad you asked. The contest is who can dig up -- legally, of course -- I'm not suggesting that anyone break any laws -- the most embarrassing and humiliating facts about any of the executives here at the North American Broadcasting System which owns Real TV. The Honchos staring blankly. ED (CONT'D) But facts! They have to be verified. Anything from their past, their present, business, personal -- arrests, affairs ... And whoever comes up with the sleaziest, most degrading material -- I'11 give you ten thousand dollars. And you get to be on Ed TV. (to the Honchos, excitedly) Hah? SHARI So act now. Here's Ed's home phone number. She holds up a CARD. 196 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM It's packed with LAWYERS and EXECS. Everyone is agitated, except Cynthia, who seems relaxed-Ed and Shari are gone. SCHARLACH Legal?! How can this be legal? It's defamation! It's slander! It's... LAWYER Not, technically. He is not showing a reckless disregard for the truth. SCHARLACH You're fired! The meeting continues ANGRILY. 197 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER The Honchos are watching Ed TV. They look STRAINED, ANXIOUS. In Ed's home a BANK OF PHONES have been set up like for a telethon. Manning the phones are Ed, Shari, Ray, Marcia, Al and Jeanette. The PHONES KEEP RINGING. RAY (into phone) Uh-huh... uh-huh... Really?! She was how old? In the conference room one of the Execs looks DIZZY. The CAMERA PANS to Al on the phone. AL (shocked) He pays a prostitute to do what to him? I don't even want that on my shoes. IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM FEAR and SHOCK, except for Cynthia, who is LAUGHING and can't stop. SCHARLACH Stop laughing or you're fired. She stops. Then she gets up. SCHARLACH (CONT'D) Where are you going? CYNTHIA I've got this great idea. We put together a video. "The Network Executives Goofiest Moments." And listen, i've really loved working here. On the word "loved" she shot Scharlach THE FINGER. She exits, LAUGHING. 198 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed is off the phone, ED Okay. We have a winner. Now please don't feel badly if yours wasn't selected. In our eyes, you're all winners. RAY And each contestant gets one of these. (holds up a tee-shirt with writing on it) An "I tried to screw a network executive" tee-shirt. ED A hundred per cent cotton. Okay, here we go, Andy. Ed grabs a sealed ENVELOPE. Andy plays a DRUM ROLL -- not terribly well. ED (CONT'D) Andy's available for executions. And the winner is ... As he opens the envelope. 199 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM The Executives staring, HORRIFIED. 200 INT. ED'S APARTMENT He takes out the card and registers mock-surprise. ED Hey, the winner is from right here in New York city. Carl Bowers a former orderly at the Martin Center -- a clinic that specializes in, what they call, male enhancement procedures. 201 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM Scharlach's EYES WIDEN in HORROR. 202 INT. ED'S APARTMENT ED (to the camera) How many of you know what a penile implant is? As it was explained to me, what happens is-- 203 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM As Ed explains, Scharlach reaches for the phone, fumbling it for a moment. 204 INT. ED'S APARTMENT ED And the man of the hour -- the executive with the winning secret the man who, thanks to the miracle of space-age science and a pump he keeps in his pocket, can now -- A SHOT OF a television set tuned to Ed. Suddenly Ed is replaced by a Real TV logo. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And that concludes Real TV's coverage of Ed TV. Stay tuned for new programming information. MUSAK 205 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM 206 INT. TV STUDIO An ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER. 207 INT. TV STUDIO The PANEL. 208 EXT. CHURCH ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER A spokesperson for Real TV announced that Ed received a check covering his four months on the air, his balloon payment and an additional bonus to show the Network's appreciation for all his -- quote -- hard work and loyalty -- unquote. When asked -- CUT TO: The Panel. PANELIST #1 In five years no one will even remember this person. PANELIST #4 Five years! Six months. He's the "macarena." He's -- CUT TO: A NEWS REPORTER is reporting on a wedding. REPORTER Marcia Pekurny, the woman known to most Americans as "Ed's sister" was married here today to Carlos Coto, who some of you may remember as the primary camera operator on "Ed TV" -- CUT TO: 209 INT. TV STUDIO A news show. NEWS ANCHOR The current rage of "Reality Television" got a real dose of reality today. Lifestyle Televisions Joma was shot this evening, outside his apartment. Because Joma was on television twenty-four hours a day, Lifestyle's cameras were there to record the shooting. WE SEE Joma walking into his building. Somebody steps forward with a GUN. The ASSAILANT is jostled as he shoots and the bullet hits Joma in the ass. He falls to the sidewalk. JOKA Ohhhh!!! ... my ass! He shot me in the ass! The CAMERA PANS to the Assailant, who we might recognize as someone who we've seen following Ed from time to time. ASSAILANT Now I'm famous. REVEAL Ed and Shari watching this on television. ED I know him. I gave him an autograph. Shari turns it off. THE ENDED TV by Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel Sixth Rewrite July 16,1997 This is the first eRelease for the script of the movie "Ed TV" This script was scanned, proof read and formatted by Ueli Riegg eMail: [email protected]; URL: http://studiour.tsx.org 1 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The following is shot DOCUMENTARY-STYLE. A GIRLS VOLLEYBALL GAME has just ended. It was a big game. Some kind of championship. ONE TEAM is CELEBRATING -- jumping up and down, squealing and hugging each other. We are focused on the bench of the TEAM TRAT LOST. They're very sad -- several are crying. One girl, in particular, (AMY) is really sobbing. She's sweat- stained, tired and just blubbering. Stuff's coming out of her eyes, her nose, her mouth and the camera is seeing it all. The COACH, a fortyish man looks at all the weeping girls -- Amy in particular. COACH You quit! You gave up! He KICKS a CHAIR. Now Amy is really a mess. She's crying, coughing, shaking. COACH (CONT'D) (right in Amy's face) You quit!! The Coach storms off. COACH (CONT'D) Qutters! ... Quitters! Amy is wailing and choking on her own tears. This IMAGE FREEZES. TERRY (V.O.) And that would be it. I don't think you need any narration at all. Just end it right there. REVEAL 2 INT. OFFICE - DAY BEGIN CREDITS We're in New York City. We're in the conference room of a modestly successful cable TV station called "Real TV." The people are young, energetic, clever. It's crowded, noisy -the furniture is beaten up, bulletin boards cover the walls, with large index cards all over them. This room is not for show -- work gets done here. SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE are present. One of them is CYNTHIA REED. She's the boss. TERRY (to Cynthia) What do you think? CYNTHIA It's horrible, it's depressing, I love it. What else? ALICE I want to re-pitch that pregnancy idea. Find six women early in their pregnancies and follow them all right through to the births. KEITH (negative) Yeah, when all that stuff comes out. Mixed reactions, mostly negative. CYNTHIA I have an idea. IMMEDIATE ATTENTION CYNTHIA (CONT'D) This is something I've been thinking about for a long time. We're "Real TV" right? I mean that's the name of the station. AGREEMENT CYNTHIA (CONT'D) So let's go real. We find someone. Just a regular person, someone. And we put their life on television - live... all day long. Silence. No movement at all. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) Calm down. KEITH What do you mean, like PBS did in the seventies? What was that family? GREG The Louds. KEITH Yeah. CYNTHIA No. We go way beyond that. We don't film it and edit it and put it on later. We go on the air live every morning and the show goes off each night, when our subject goes to bed. In between, we're on live all day, every day - the same person, -- for (shrugs) let's say a month. No one is wild for this. Some hate it -- some are unconvinced. FELICIA That's not a show that's a surveillance camera. GREG You can't do that. CYNTHIA The hell we can't. Look, the beauty of being a cable channel is we can take chances. I've thought about this and I'm telling you, I think this can make a noise. A loud one. There are twelve thousand channels. You've got to do something that says "Look at me!" Hell, people look at fish tanks all day. This is people! (more firmly) Someone's real life -- an TV, all day long - live... And, you know what? I'm doing it. Pause. The others know the argument is over. GREG In that case, we love it. END CREDITS 3 EXT. POOL HALL - DAY A BUS passes. On the bus is an ad. It says, "Would you like to star in your own TV show? Call Real TV (and a phone number) Coming (and a date)." 4 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT - PARAMUS NEW JERSEY This is a nice upscale pool hall. A party is in progress in a special private area -- a room upstairs let's say -- a loft. Thirty or forty PEOPLE in their twenties and thirties are informally celebrating the engagement of two of their friends. It's NOISY, it's fun, it's informal. It's not a high-end group. By that we mean, not, for the most part young lawyers or stockbrokers. They're mostly blue-collar. Community college graduates. WE OPEN ON ED PEKURNY. He's an attractive man, about thirty. There's still something a little juvenile about him -- not stupid, just boyish. SOMEONE is VIDEOTAPING HIM for one of those congratulation montage things that are done at parties these days. Ed is good at this. He's not professional but he's a loosey-goosey guy who's kind of good on camera. ED I want to congratulate Kevin and Tracy on their engagement. I knew you guys were meant for each other from the moment Tracy told us she was pregnant. TRACY You asshole! Everyone else is cracking up. ED (innocently) What? What did I say? TRACY My mother's going to see this! 5 INT. PARTY - LATER Other people are being "interviewed" on tape. Ed is SHOOTING POOL with his buddy, JOHN. John's had a couple of drinks. He's a little melancholy. He is looking across the room, thoughtfully. ED What? JOHN Look at this -- people are getting married, they're getting married... ED You said that. JOHN We're falling behind. Ed waves dismissively. JOHN (CONT'D) You know who we are? ED Tell me. JOHN We're the guys who clean up after the parade. ED I'm gonna stick this right in your eye. JOHN I was at this comedy club last week and this comedian says "If you're over thirty and your job requires you to wear a name tag, you screwed up your life." And I'm laughing and then I realize I wear a nametag. ED So do I. So what? I'm doing all right. JOHN Your brother's here. ANGLE ON THE DOOR Ed's brother RAY and Ray's girlfriend SHARI arrive at the party. Shari is pretty in an unglamorous kind of way. They both wave and then Shari goes off to talk to some of the LADIES and Ray joins Ed and John. RAY What's up? ED Where were you? RAY (reluctantly) I was... having dinner with Shari and her parents. JOHN/ED (taunting) Oooh! RAY I'm telling you, it's closing in on me. All of a sudden it's like a thing, it's a whole thing. ED What do you mean all of a sudden? You've been going with her six months. RAY I know. I mean I'm sitting there and her father's asking me about my "career prospects" and I'm playing "Risk," with her kid brother, Leon and at dinner the dog's sniffing at my balls -- at least I hope it was the dog. 'Cause her mother disappeared for a while. They LAUGH. 6 INT. PARTY - LATER It's getting wild. Some of the girls are dancing raucously. ANGLE ON A TABLE (NOT A POOL TABLE, AN EATING-TABLE) Ed, Ray, John, Shari and maybe another WOMAN. Ray is holding a big tray of SHRIMP BALLS. During the conversation, Ray throws them in the air and catches them in his mouth like popcorn. Once, he even bounces one off the wall into his mouth. ED You know, those are for everybody. Ray waves dismissively, then gets an idea. RAY Oh! (to Shari) Show them that thing you can do. (to the others) This is great. I just found out she can do this, her brother told me. (to Shari) Come on. SHARI (thinks it's stupid) I don't - RAY Come on... She hesitates, but she really doesn't mind. Slightly, amused she takes her FIST and fits it completely INTO her MOUTH. ED Whoa!! Oh! Ray is cracking up. RAY Is that unbelievable? She removes her hand. SHARI And that concludes today's show. (to Ray) This is where you go around and collect the money. Ed LAUGHS. Ray gives her a KISS. Shari's roommate RITA sits down. RITA Hi. SHARI You guys know my roommate, Rita. They do, vaguely. ED What's going on over there? RITA Everybody's making audition tapes for that Real TV thing. JOHN Oh, that thing. Yeah. Did you hear about this? ED (not sure) Yeah, what - they put some schmuck on TV all day long or something? RAY You know, that would be like a great thing. ED What? RAY That! Being that guy. Being the guy they watch. ED What are you drunk? RAY Yeah, but let's stay on one subject. Whoever that person is is going to be famous. They'll be able to get whatever they want. They'll ... trust me, this is my business. ED What is?! RAY Show business. ED You're in show business? RAY Yeah. I service video equipment. ED That's like... those people stitching Nikes in Panama saying they're in the NBA. RAY (insulted) I'm not stitching Nikes in Panama! ... Bedwetter! ED Thumbsucker! RAY I'm making a tape. ED We're excited. 7 INT. BAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER Ed and Shari, waiting for drink orders. ED So Ray met the family. SHARI Yeah... ED I hear the dog really liked him. SHARI Oh, the whole family loved him. Of course, they loved the last guy I went out with, and he strung me along for three years and dumped me. ED Really? You see, to me, you shouldn't have any trouble with men. There should be, like, a line behind you. She takes Ed's beer. SHARI You shouldn't drink. They LAUGH. 8 INT. TABLE - A LITTLE LATER Ed and Shari ARM-WRESTLING. After a struggle, Ed wins. Ed is impressed. ED Jesus! Shari wrings out her arm and picks up her beer. SHARI (continuing a previous conversation) And, you know, every guy I ever broke up with, the minute it was over, I could tell you what went wrong, how it went wrong, why it had to go wrong... but when I'm in it... lost. I'm like a love coroner. Bring me the corpse, I'11 tell you what killed it. But how to prevent it? Lost. Ed LAUGHS. ED Ray's on. They walk over. ANGLE ON RAY RAY (to camera) Hi. I'm Ray Pekurney. I'm from Paramus, New Jersey... 9 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - DAY She's watching Ray's tape. Ray thinks he's funnier and cuter than he is. RAY (ON TAPE) All my friends tell me "Ray, you've got too much personality for one guy." It's like at a party -- I'm at the center of the attention. Everybody loves me. He gets hit in the face by a hors d'oeuvre. RAY (CONT'D) Ha, ha, ha. I'll kick your ass. No really, let me show you my girlfriend. She's really cute. He reaches out and grabs Shari's wrist. Shari is struggling to stay out of frame. We just see her arm and Ray pulling on it. Ray lets go. RAY (CONT'D) She's strong, 'cause she's a Fedex girl. She lifts those packages. But she's not dikey at all, she's really pretty. CYNTHIA FAST-FORWARDS WE SEE the camera shooting an empty space. Then Ed's head appears sideways right in front of the CAMERA. ED Hello I'm Ed. He starts to sniff. ED (CONT'D) What smells? He steps back from the camera and straightens his head as he SNIFFS. He's more relaxed than Ray. ED (CONT'D) What is that smell? Oop, I think it's this idea. One person on TV all day long? (screams) Are you nuts? WE HEAR LAUGHS The Real TV Staff are enjoying Ed's tape while they eat lunch out of styrofoam containers. ED (CONT'D) Seriously, get your resumes in order. When my brother Ray - whose personality you were just dazzled by -- told me he was going to try out for this -- I said, "why in the world would anyone want to be on TV all day long, no privacy, everybody knowing your business, exposing every single detail of your life I mean... why would anyone want to do that? But then I thought of a reason... (loudly) Why the hell not? He KISSES the LENS, smudging it. Cynthia, watching, cracks up. The others seem to like him to. 10 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY This is a video store in Paramus, New Jersey. It's busy. PEOPLE are in line to check out tapes. WE OPEN ON a WOMAN -- a mother -- who is rummaging through her purse for her Blockbuster card. She looks up and sees that her TWO CHILDREN have opened several boxes of candy from the candy display and are eating from the boxes. MOTHER Oh for -- Put those -- Oh God... She grabs the boxes from them. The boxes are ripped more than she thought and candy goes flying all over. She bends to pick it up. Ed appears. He works here. ED (to the Mom) We'11 take care of it. Someone arrives with a broom. ED (CONT'D) (to the broom guy) Here. This time throw it out, don't eat it. LOU, the Manager passes. ED Lou, can I talk to you a second? Lou seems like he'd prefer to avoid this. LOU Um, yeah, I was gonna ... ED What's the deal? Did anybody make a decision - LOU Ed, look, uh... you're not getting the job. They're gonna transfer someone from another store to manage this store when I leave to manage the new store. I'm sorry. ED Oh, Christ. Did you go to bat for me? LOU I batted! ED You batted or you bunted? LOU Hey. I went as far as I felt comfortable. I mean, you know, let's face it -- you come and go here as you please. You work when you feel like it -- you know, Bruce Springsteen's birthday is not a legal holiday. ED Well, then I'm quitting. LOU Ed, come on. What's that gonna do? You're gonna bring Blockbuster to their knees. Let me recommend a movie to you. It's called "Get your shit together before it's too late." ED (wise-ass) Who's in it? CLERK Ed, telephone. Ed goes to the phone. ED (into the phone) Yeah... Are you serious? ... Come on, no kidding, who is this? ... Holy shit! 11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - ANOTHER DAY Ed is being interviewed by the "Real TV" staff whom we met earlier. He's slightly less comfortable than on his tape, but he's good. ED I had one year of college. And then one year of junior college. CYNTHIA (O.C.) What did you study? ED Oh, see, studying would've been a huge help. Where were you, then? They LAUGH. CUT TO: 11A INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Well, there's Ray, my brother. He's... ambitious. Like a few years ago, he started this mobile dog-grooming business. But, like, out of his Camry. He had this bathtub in his trunk - (Ed starts cracking up) he's throwing the dogs in there, they're fighting and splashing, then he'd slam the trunk down, let 'em run around inside screaming getting all wet... then he'd use the car exhaust to dry'em. (wiping his eyes) Ah, Ray... he just can't get a break. CUT TO: 11B INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED My sister -- Marcia, I mean she can't get a break. About seven years ago she falls in love with this Vietnamese guy who wants to marry her so he can stay in the country. So they get married, they have a kid, he gets his citizenship, immediately divorces my sister and marries this Vietnamese woman who, he was probably already married to all along. She can pick 'em. (pause) She's got a nice little boy, though. My nephew, Andy. CUT TO: 11C INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED My Mom's okay. Kinda. I knew a guy who hated his mother - Stuey Shwam. He hated his mother so much, he had his belly button removed. CUT TO: 11D INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED No, I've never been married. The interviewer seems to be waiting for him to elaborate. He doesn't. He shrugs -- that's it. CUT TO: 11E INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Oh, my father -what an asshole. When I was twelve, my mother needed a hysterectomy -- my father ran off with her nurse! And that's the last I heard of him. CUT TO: 11F INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Al, my stepfather he's opinionated. And you have to listen because he's like in a wheelchair. CUT TO: 11G INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED I like my job -- I mean I'm doing all right. I'm not sure how long I want to stay there, you know... I mean, I'm thirty-one... I'm not sure I want to be a video store clerk when I'm forty... Of course, I didn't expect to be doing it 'til I was thirty-one, either. But... you know I'm... keeping my options open. Anything comes along, I'm ready to pounce. (growls like a cougar) CUT TO: 11H INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED A dream? Of course I have a dream I just don't know what the hell it is. (shrugs and smiles) Ed's image freezes, while he has a funny-cute expression on his face. PULL BACK TO REVEAL a TV in a conference room with Ed's frozen image on it. Cynthia is there with her bosses, the people who run the network that owns Real TV. The top man is MR. SCHARLACH. His deputies are MS. SEAVER and MR. McILVAINE. This is not the same place where we met Cynthia and her staff. This is richer, more corporate and formal. CYNTHIA He's who we want to go with. SCHARLACH (doubtfully) This guy. CYNTHIA I polled my staff. The men say they'd hang around with him and the women say he's fuckable. And one of the men said he's fuckable. SCHARLACH I'm not sure about the entire concept. Cynthia is frustrated. CYNTHIA Look it's not like we're burning up the airwaves now. We're running neck-and-neck with The Gardening Channel. If people just tune in to this twice a day for five minutes, we're a hit. Plus we can sell advertising every second, running at the bottom of the screen... and the beauty is this guy doesn't even have to be good. I mean if he's good, great. But if he winds up making an ass of himself, better. McILVAINE How is that better? CYNTHIA Come on. People cannot turn away from an accident. You drive by, you say "Ooh, I hope there's not a head lying in the road" but you look ! See, nobody in America wants to be nobody. This guy wants to be famous. So, basically, the deal is he agrees to drive down the highway a hundred miles an hour blindfolded and we get to see if his head winds up rolling down the highway. Fun for the whole family. So let's do it. She stops, waiting for approval. 12 INT. VIDEO STORE SCHARLACH (coldly) Good luck. Ed's RE-STOCKING the SHELVES He gets goosed from behind RAY (O.C.) (very loud and happy) Hey... ED (goosed) Oh! Ed DROPS the BOXES. Ray is there with Shari. RAY I got your message. Way to go! ED Hi, Shari. (to Ray) Let's go in the stockroom. 13 INT. STOCKROOM Ed and Ray enter. RAY So when do you start? ED I ... I'm not gonna do it. RAY What? ED Look -- there's a million ways to humiliate yourself - I gotta think of a new way? I mean, it's all day! Every minute. Id be like a monkey at the zoo. I just... RAY (disgusted) Oh man! They couldn't pick me! They had to pick you! He slaps a tape off a shelf. ED You would do this? You would actually -- RAY In a second! In a hot second. Let me ask you something -- ED Why do you do that? RAY What? ED Whenever you ask me something why do you always say "Let me ask you something?" Why don't you just ask me? RAY (impatiently) All right. Let me ask you something... are you happy like this? ED I'm doing all right. RAY Oh Yeah? What's your master plan here? Shari enters, curious about the yelling. She stands there quietly, unnoticed by the guys. RAY (CONT'D) You're gonna be a video store clerk for the rest of your life? This is your big ambition, rearranging the "Ernest" movies? ED Screw off. RAY How many opportunities are you going to get in your life? ED I don't know. RAY That's right. You don't know. Doors don't fly open for guys like us. ED Hey. You know-- we're not the same. I got a good life, this job suits me. I come and go when I please -- RAY Oh, don't bullshit a bullshitter. If you're happy like this you're an idiot, and you're not an idiot. (sees Shari) Hi. Ed turns and sees Shari. She's self-conscious. She feels like she's been caught eavesdropping. SHARI Oh. I -- I heard Ray yelling. 1 didn't mean to -- RAY (to Ed) Give me a chance. I'm begging you. I need a break. Look, I'11 cover your ass. I'11 ride shotgun. Just bring those cameras over to me and I'11 make something happen for both of us. I swear. Come on, Eddie Pause. ED All right. RAY Yeah?! ED Yeah. Ray lifts Ed up. Ray kisses Ed. RAY (to Shari) Is this guy a brother?! 14 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Moderate-priced, restaurant. WE OPEN ON a CLOSE-UP of AL. He's about seventy. REVEAL THE FAMILY AL What happens when you go to the bathroom? Do they go in with you? Ed, Ray, Al, JEANETTE and MARCIA. Al is in a WHEELCHAIR and has an oxygen mask connected to a tank. He periodically takes a hit of oxygen. He's a little short of breath, but loves to talk. Jeanette is Ed's mother -- about sixty. Marcia is a little older than Ed. ED No. The bathroom is off limits -and when I go to sleep they go to other programming. Unless I get up. Then they go back on the air. Unless I get up to go to the bathroom, I guess, then - AL What if--you're vomiting? ED (amazed by the question) What if I'm vomiting? AL Do they show it? ED I guess -- I don't -- it's all in the contract. There's this million-page contract -- RAY Look, can we all just sign the releases so we can get on with this? MARCIA (accusing, to Ed) What happened? You described this "crazy-kooky" family who'd be a million laughs on TV? ED No! I barely even mentioned -it's just that, my friends, the people at work, whoever I'm regularly in contact with they want releases from. MARCIA (angrily) They're gonna mock our foibles. ED Our what? MARCIA Our foibles, our foibles! RAY We don't have foibles. MARCIA Everyone has foibles. Then the whole country sees them on TV and mocks them. Then we have... mocked foibles. JEANTTE Eddie, please don't let them mock our foibles. ED (losing it) Stop saying foibles! MARCIA Look, my life is not so great, that I want it shown on television. And neither is yours. RAY That's the point -- this could change things. MARCIA How? RAY For instance... me and my friend Bucky are buying out my boss. His equipment, trucks, client list, the whole shmear. MARCIA (points to Ed) What does that have to do with... ? RAY If they keep Ed on for one full month, he gets a balloon payment. Ed nods. Pause. RAY (CONT'D) I borrow against that now, at the bank. Buy the business. And Ed becomes a silent partner. Now here's the beauty part. While we're on TV I plug the shit out of the business. Free advertising. AL How about sex? A STUNNED pause. They all look at Al. ED I'11 have to pass, Al. And it's not an age thing -- AL No! Do they show you having sex? ED No. Kissing and hugging, okay, but if it's actual sex they have to cut away. AL At what point? ED At the point -- I don't -- Look you'd be on TV maybe one or two times each. I'11 try to avoid I'11 go out of my way to avoid, getting together with you. Believe me. WE HEAR: A loud drilling sound. CUT TO: 15 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY A WORKMAN is drilling a hole in the wall. Ed is there with a TV CREW. They're running cable and drilling holes and examining the apartment. Cynthia is going around supervising. Ray and Shari are there. Ray is fascinated. Ed is tense. Shari is observant. Ray separates from Ed and Shari and asks one of the Installers a technical question. SHARI AND ED Ed thinks. Ed joins Cynthia. SHARI Are you sure about this? ED Hey, believe me -1 know I've got a great chance of making a fool of myself, here. SHARI Why do it? ED I saw this show once. It was about logging. I was home sick, there was nothing else on. Do you know how they break up really bad log jams? You know, when they're really tangled... ? SHARI Cream rinse? ED (laughs) Dynamite. SHARI So? ED So maybe this is my dynamite. SHARI Dynamite is dangerous. CYNTHIA Ed, can I see you a second. ED (to Shari) Excuse me. CYNTHIA Okay, so you understand? We're installing a permanent camera in your bedroom, one in the kitchen, one in the living room, plus, of course, there'll always be a couple of steady-cams following you. ED (overwhelmed) Cool. CYNTHIA I want you to take this. She gives him a card. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) That has my work number, my home number, my pager number. I sleep three hours a night. Call me whenever you want to talk. Off the air, on the air, whenever. Okay? ED (barely listening) Um, yeah -- thanks. Ed looks kind of overwhelmed. She doesn't like this. CYNTHIA Now look. Don't freeze up on me. I picked you because you had kind of a relaxed, go-with-the-flow quality. You're not going to lose that, are you? ED No, uh... CYNTHIA I bet my career on you. You'd better be good. ED (annoyed) Don't say that. That's like... telling a guy before you have sex you'd better be good. You don't do that. CYNTHIA I do. Ed reacts. ED Oh. 16 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's in bed, watching TV. The news is on. He glances up at one of the cameras. On the news, they go to a story about him. ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Tomorrow morning, the cable channel known as Real TV, begins broadcasting one of the most heavily promoted concepts in the history of cable television. In an experiment that they say will last at least a month. They're going to follow -- live - every waking minute of a thirty-one year old video store clerk from Paramus New Jersey. The Real TV press release on this promises that none of it will be scripted, none of it will be edited and in my opinion, none of it will be interesting. we're all just supposed to sit in front of our TV's and watch this guy... live. (rhymes with "give") ANCHOR (to the Entertainment Reporter) What would be the interest here? What would... get people to tune in? ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Betas me. SIDEKICK I don't know. I might check it out. ANCHOR Well, Len's here to check out sports. Len, would you watch this video clerk? LEN I'd sooner watch soccer. They all CRUCKLE. 17 INT. CYNTHIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT She's watching the same show. She's edgy. She's CRACKING her KNUCKLES. TV SCREEN LEN Speaking of disasters, at the Meadowlands tonight... The set goes off. Ed, once again, stares up at the camera. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: 18 INT. CONTROL TRUCK Written on the screen -- "Day one." A DIRECTOR and TECHNICAL CREW with all the modern equipment. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Here we go. Ten-nine-eight-seven- 19 INT. REAL TV - OFFICES Cynthia and her staff are gathered to watch the show begin They're TENSE and EXCITED. A commercial is on. 20 INT. TRUCK 21 INT. OFFICE A.D. two... one. On the TV, the commercial ends and the Real TV logo appears. A CRAWL BEGINS It says "The following is unedited, unscripted, and unrehearsed. It is the real life of one American citizen named Ed Pekurny." The logo fades away and we see Ed, in bed, sleeping. His ALARM RINGS and he wakes up. He's groggy from sleep. Instinctively, he begins SCRATCHING his balls. As he does, it hits him that this is not a normal morning. He looks up and sees two steady-cam guys at the foot of his bed, aiming their cameras at him. Ed, then, looks at his hand on his balls. Gently, he moves his hand away. 22 INT. OFFICE KEITH (mock cheerful) Well, we're off to a great start. NOTE: The camera operators will change in shifts. We'11 see about four regulars over the course of the film. The one we will see most often is shooting Ed right now. His name is CARLOS. 23 INT. BEDROOM Ed, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, gets out of bed. His hair is sticking up. He passes a mirror and notices his hair. ED Oh, great. He turns to the camera and seems about to offer an excuse for his appearance, but, then, just moves on. ED (CONT'D) Excuse me. He grabs some clothes and enters the bathroom. 24 INT. OFFICE They're not enjoying this. Everyone's staring at Cynthia. She doesn't flinch. NOTE: Silent advertising runs along the bottom of the screen. 25 INT. KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER Ed enters, dressed and showered. The Steady-cam is in his face. Ed is tight. He's much less comfortable than he expected to be. He smiles stiffly at the camera. He's misplaced his natural charm. He gets a box of Pop-tarts out of the freezer. As he does, other stuff falls out of the freezer on to the floor. He's embarrassed. He bends down to pick things up, showing his ass to the camera. 26 INT. OFFICE GREG (to Cynthia) Start clearing a place for your Emmy. 27 INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER Ed is sitting up on the kitchen counter eating his Pop-tarts and a bowl of cereal. ED (nervously) Same people like to put the milk in first and then the cereal. I like to put in the milk first - I mean the cereal first and then the milk. Yeah, that's it. Now, watch this. He takes a KNIFE and a BANANA. He peels the banana. He holds the knife, blade up, over the cereal and chops down on it with the banana, several times, rapidly, slicing it into the cereal. He's proud of this. 28 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray is watching the show. His head is in his hands. He's horrified by how bad Ed is. 29 INT. PARENTS' HOUSE Jeanette and Al watching Ed. JEANETTE (being positive) So far... 30 INT. OFFICE KEITH Somebody shoot me. 31 INT. NETWORK OFFICE Scharlach, Seaver and McIlvaine watching, grim-faced. 32 INT. OFFICE Cynthia is ON the PHONE. CYNTHIA Get him out of the house! I want him moving! 33 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR (on the phone) Hey, I want him dead, but what can I do. 34 INT. KITCHEN Ed is EATING. He peers confused at the camera. ANGLE ON CAMERA OPERATORS. They're signaling Ed to get out. ANGLE ON ED Bewildered, imitating their gestures. ED What... You want me to swim? 35 INT. CONTROL TRUCK The Director is still on the phone. She's watching Ed on a monitor. DIRECTOR Oh God... Ed gets it. ED Oh, out? You want me to go out. 36 EXT. BUILDING Ed exits the building with the Operators walking backwards in front of him, bumping into PEOPLE- People watch, curiously. Ed reaches his car. He takes out his keys and drops them in a muddy puddle. Disgusted, he fishes them out. CUT TO: 36A INT. NETWORK BUILDING Scharlach, watching impassively. CUT TO: 36B INT. ED'S CAR Ed, in the car. He can barely fit the key into the ignition. Carlos, in the passenger seat taps him on the arm. Ed looks up. Carlos holds up a hastily-made sign. "It's okay. Relax, man." Carlos WINKS. This does help Ed. He appreciates it. He drives. WE SEE the control truck in motion. We also see another car with another Steady-cam OPERATOR, shooting Ed's car as they travel. 37 EXT. STREET - MONTAGE Ed is doing his morning errands. A little shopping -- a little banking -- always ON CAMERA. At one point, he WALKS INTO a GLASS DOOR with the word "Pull" on it. He pushed, banging his forehead. A CHILD points to the word "Pull." Ed turns to the camera, embarrassed. Later he buys a slice of pizza at a little place that's doing no business. ED (to the camera) Best pizza in New Jersey. As he walks down the street, PEOPLE call out "Hey Ed!" People in windows show him that they're watching him at that exact moment. The camera shoots some of the people in the windows. They see themselves on TV and they go wild. Ed also is confronted by GUYS grabbing their crotches mockingly, calling out things like "Hey, Ed, holding your own?" or "Hey, Ed, howls the grand ballroom." Ed is slightly chagrined by all this, but handles it with good grace. He seems to be loosening up. 38 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY Ed arrives at work. The store is already open. (Ed usually gets there in the afternoon and stays until closing.) CUSTOMERS are a little stunned by the arrival of a camera. Some know what it's about some don't. The CLERKS are aware of what's going on. They all signed releases. Ed's BOSS greets him stiffly. Clearly he's trying to get face-time on camera. ED Hey, Lou. LOU (stiffly) Welcome to work, Ed. He shakes Ed's hand and smiles at the camera. He WAVES a little. The BROOM GUY crosses, staring transfixed at the camera. He blocks Ed and Lou. He FREEZES, then panics. He tries to get out of the way and trips over his broom. He tumbles face-first into the camera lens, hurting himself. ANGLE ON ED, observing. ED (mutters) Oh, Jesus, I'm dying. 39 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Carlos, give him some air, give him some room. Use a longer lens. We'11 mostly go with the stationary cameras in here. Less intrusive. (to the crew in the truck, sarcastically) Have any of you thought about your next career? 40 INT. A KITCHEN - SAME TIME A WOMAN is serving dinner. She's watching Ed on TV -- really just glancing at it. Her HUSBAND is helping her bring the food to the table. HUSBAND Why are we watching this? WIFE (a little guilty) No reason. just... I just want to see what happens. HUSBAND Nothing's gonna happen. He's just... working. WIFE Oh, come on, they wouldn't put it on if nothing was gonna happen. He changes the channel. She changes it back. He doesn't get it at all. RAPID CUTS of VARIOUS PEOPLE around America, watching -- A couple, a young guy, a woman alone -- ending with a few college-age girls in what appears to be a dorm room. ONE GIRL is watching intently. Her roommates are mostly just hanging around not really watching. COLLEGE GIRL I think he's cute. one of her roommates glances over to see what she's so excited about. 41 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Ed is walking. He passes the little pizza place he touted earlier. There's a LINE out into the street. The STOREOWNER is working hard - - deliriously happy. Ed passes, oblivious to what he's created. 42 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The Camera Operator is shooting Ed in the bathroom CLIPPING his TOENAILS ED Some guys work from the big toe down to the little toe. Not me. I save the big one for last. That's the one I really enjoy. It's thick, it's big, it's a challenge. Did you ever see old people's nails? (makes a disgusted noise) 43 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray and Shari watching Ed. Ray is BANGING HIS HEAD on the table. RAY This is not working. (to Ed on TV) Come to me! 44 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - NIGHT It's late. She's alone. She's ON the PHONE. She's coming apart. CYNTHIA (into phone) No, I haven't seen the spot ratings... (she winces) As she talks, she tries to LIGHT a CIGARETTE. She's shaking too much to use her lighter. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) (into phone) I think that's a number from which we can hopefully, uh... build... ANGRY at her lighter, she throws it breaking a window. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) I disagree... No, I am not ready to pull the plug... Yes, Mr. Scharlach, I know they shoot horses... (getting angry) Look, it's been one day. Can I have a week with this and then have you fly up my nose?! (hangs up) She immediately regrets her outburst. 45 INT. BAR - NIGHT Written on the screen -- "Day Two." OPEN ON TURTLES racing (as only turtles can) across the floor. The turtles have little plastic men, seated on their backs. The CROWD CHEERS and SCREAMS for their favorite turtles. Ed is being followed by the steady-cams but seems to be ignoring it. Ed is in a group which includes John, and Ray. The race ends John looks very uncomfortable. BARTENDER The winner... Dashing Danny. Ed wins. MONEY changes hands. ED Next round's on me. One of the cameras is very close to John. He's very SELFCONSCIOUS. He doesn't look where he's walking. He trips. PEOPLE LAUGH. ED (off-hand joke) Polish acrobat. RAY (loudly) Hey. Check this out. (to the cameramen) Look at this. Ray TAKES OUT a big stack of QUARTERS and sets them on the bar next to a SHOT GLASS 46 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Go with the desperate brother. 47 INT. BAR The cameras go with Ray. Ray does a "spit the quarters off the bar into the shot glass" trick, while PEOPLE CHEER. Ed is standing next to Shari. They're OFF-CAMERA. ED Whoa, God bless Ray. First time I'm off-camera in two days. This is hard, you know? I'm, like, exhausted. ANGLE ON RAY He's BALANCING a BAR STOOL on his forehead. ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI SHARI (calmly) He did that at my parents' house. ANGLE ON RAY As Ray drones on... RAY (selling hard to the camera) Okay, I just wanted to get your attention. My name is Ray and my friend Bucky and I design video systems. You've got an office or a big home, we'11 come out there design you an entire system. ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI ED See, they should've picked him. Look how comfortable he is out there. ANGLE ON RAY SHARI He is so wound up. He bought all new clothes for this. He flips the BAR STOOL and catches it. He accepts the plaudits of the crowd. He returns to Ed and Shari. So do the cameras. Ray is fired-up. RAY Whew! 1 am kicking hairy ass! Ray is still full of energy. RAY (CONT'D) Hey, Ed. Did you hear about Marcia? ED (worried) No. What happened? RAY (to the camera) That's our sister. (to Ed) She's got a new boyfriend. AL AND JEANETTE Watching TV. JEANETTE Who? BACK TO BAR RAY He's living with her! ED (camera-conscious) Ray, maybe this isn't ... RAY No, this is great. (to the camera) You'll love this. (to Ed) He's a singer. ED Marcia's living with a singer? CUT TO: RAY Yeah. You know, piano bars. plays the piano and sings. That's how they met. SHARI He sang to her and they fell in love? RAY (enjoying this) No! Some drunk hit him over the head with his snifter -- you know, that thing they keep on the piano for tips -- and Marcia yanked a big hunk of glass out of his head. (cracks up, pounds the table) 48 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT Marcia is staring at the TV in UNHAPPY SHOCK. Next to her is a good- looking, but slightly sleazy-looking GUY with a bandage on his head. 49 INT. BAR RAY I mean my question is what was she doing in a bar in the first place? ED Ray -- RAY She's an alcoholic, for Christ's sake. ED Oh, Jesus. Marcia, watching, HORRIFIED. BACK TO BAR RAY Remember the last guy she got involved with? What was his name? ED What's the dif -- RAY Richie! (to Shari) She spent six months dating a criminal ED (to Shari) She didn't know he was a criminal. They had a relationship. They -- RAY "Quick pull off the highway" is not a relationship. Oh man, I gotta pee. He KISSES Shari. She COVERS her FACE with her hand. RAY (CONT'D) What are you, hiding from the Police? (pulls her hands down) Show your face, you look great. (to Ed) Doesn't she look great. ED Great. RAY (to Ed) While I'm gone, tell them about our cousin Lenny who's gay. We knew from when he was five. He minces off' effeminately, to the bathroom, LAUGHING. It's like a hurricane has just passed through. Everyone is sitting, STUNNED. ED You do though, you look great. SHARI Right. ED No, no, I -- as soon as you came in tonight I said to John, "Boy Shari looks beautiful." I said it on TV so you can ask anybody who saw it. She LAUGHS. They smile at each other. They make intermittent eye-contact a little self-consciously. Ed finally looks somewhere else and Shari, for just a moment, stares right at him. PULL BACK to TWO GUYS, watching this on TV in a bar -- more of a neighborhood bar. 50 INT. BAR - NIGHT TAD Did you see that? BARRY What? TAD Her. That look. She likes the Ed guy better than she likes the brother. BARRY You're nuts. TAD Okay, I'm nuts. CUTS OF OTHER VIEWERS, WATCHING REAL TV A BEDROOM The COUPLE we met earlier are in bed, the wife is holding the remote. HUSBAND Give me the remote. WIFE Just a few more minutes. Read your book. A LIVING ROOM A GAY COUPLE FIRST GUY What do you like about it? I don't understand. SECOND GUY I don't know -- it just it's I don't know. Just let me watch. 51 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - MORNING "DAY THREE" The ALARM goes off. Ed starts to scratch his balls, but stops halfway down. He WINKS at the camera and starts his day. 52 EXT. EWS BUILDING Ed comes outside and he's accosted by a GROUP of angry Polish Americans, many of whom are carrying signs decrying Polish jokes and anti-Polish attitudes. They SCREAM ANGRILY when they see Ed. Ed is completely shocked. He runs back inside. He locks the door, leaving Carlos outside. The demonstrators attack Carlos. 53 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed is at his kitchen table with several burly DEMONSTRATORS arrayed behind him. Ed is NERVOUSLY, READING from a sheet of paper while Carlos shoots. ED ... my "Polish acrobat" remark was ill-considered. Although, I meant no harm, I should have recognized that such (trouble with the next word) stigmatizing remarks bring pain and anguish to... He's having trouble reading the next word. ED (CONT'D) I can't read my own writing. It's like Chinese -- (quickly backtracking) It's not like Chinese! Chinese is, I'm sure, a beautiful language and they write ... beautifully. It's not Chinese. He wipes sweat away. ED (CONT'D) Jesus, I'm sweating like a Mexican fruit-picker. (realizes) Oh, Christ! QUICK CUTS of Ed, getting his laundry, doing some shopping, getting his oil changed, all being shot by a CAMERA PERSON. 54 INT. DENTAL OFFICE A YOUNG DENTAL HYGIENIST is cleaning Ed's teeth. The camera is practically right in his mouth. It's making the Hygienist NERVOUS. She's distracted. She hurts Ed. He SCREAMS. She SCREAMS. She drops her tools. HYGIENIST (near hysterics) Can I have some room please?! ED (talking with the suction in his mouth) Gi hu roo. 55 INT. TV STUDIO It's an educational-type panel discussion involving various eggheads and pundits. It's called "Viewpoint." MODERATOR Let's change topics for a moment. Does anybody have a viewpoint on something going on now called "Ed TV". PANEL MEMBER #1 This, I believe, is a new low point in American culture. PANEL MEMBER #2 I agree. What it reveals is the absolute creative bankruptcy in the television business. What they're saying, basically, is "We're giving up. We have no ideas." PANEL MEMBER #3 It's worse than that! They don't select someone with any talent, or with something to say -- they seem to celebrate the fact that this guy is a boob. It's a joyous celebration of boobery. PANEL MEMBER #4 I think we've already spent far too much time discussing this. They all agree. 56 INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT OPEN ON Ray with chopsticks up his nose, imitating a walrus. Also, he has lo mein noodles protruding from between his lips. Ed is forcing a smile. Ray is wearing a tee-shirt that says "Ray and Bucky- Video Kings" with a phone number. 57 INT. REAL TV OFFICE Cynthia is alone working late. She's drinking. She's watching Ray. She's not enjoying him. ED (V.O.) Ray, don't throw the shrimp, you're gonna choke again. CYNTHIA Choke to death, you boring bastard. 58 INT. EWS BEDROOM - NIGHT Ed is sitting up in bed, wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, eating directly out of a cereal box. TERRY The audience likes you when you're moving. ALICE Yes. Try not to stay in one place too long. Get outside as much as you can. KEITH Also, we have some notions. Have you thought about becoming a Big Brother? GREG Or coaching a Little League team? FELICIA How about a date? ED Are you asking me? FELICIA No, I mean... KEITH It's just, the ratings are still soft. LONG PAUSE ED (nervously) Are you going to cancel me? CYNTHIA Let's not worry about that vet. ALICE You're testing well. FELICIA There's another problem. GREG It's ... Ray. ED What about Ray? GREG Well, the walrus impression - delightful as it was -- is just not wowing the audience. This is some audience research. He hands Ed a PRINTOUT. Ed doesn't know how to interpret the figures. ED What does this mean? FELICIA It means they hate his freaking guts. It means if he were on fire they wouldn't put him out. ED He's just ... trying a little too hard -- CYNTHIA Ed, the audience can smell the desperation coming through the screen. TERRY Could you... see him a little less often? ED How much less? FELICIA Never would be plenty. ED I can't do that to him. He's pushing a little too hard - but... I just can't do that to him. SILENCE ED (CONT'D) He'11 be fine. 59 INT. CAR - DAY "DAY FIVE" Ed is driving slowly on a busy street. Suddenly an EIGHTEEN YEAR-OLD BOY lands heavily on Ed's windshield. Ed is badly startled. He can't see. He swerves and stops. The boy is not hurt. He's banging on the windshield, waving at the camera. Ed, furious, gets out. 60 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ED What the --?! BOY I'm on TV! I'm on TV! Ed just stares in disbelief. 61 EXT. STREET - LATER Ed is walking. PEOPLE YELL at him. GUY Ed! Your show stinks! The Guy LAUGHS like he really got in a good one. Ed ignores him. TWO TEENAGERS run in, one has a camera and quickly snaps a picture of Ed and the other Guy. Merrily, they shake his hand and run off, whooping. There are PEOPLE who trail along. Many of them will show up again and again, throughout the movie, following Ed. Some of them will look mentally or emotionally impaired. 62 INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT QUICK SHOTS of Ed with CUSTOMERS - One or two show a bit of camera-consciousness. A little group has gathered to observe Ed's "show". 63 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY- NIGHT Ed rings the bell. ED (to the camera) This is Ray's apartment. Ray's got a big-screen TV and the Knicks are playing in L.A. tonight, so sometimes I come over after I work late and we watch the game here. He makes funny comments. He's really a good guy. He just... RAY (O.C.) Who is it? ED It's me, Ed. The door opens a crack, revealing Ray in a bathrobe. Ray's look is unwelcoming. RAY Hi. ED You watching the ballgame? RAY Uh, no, uh I'm a little tired. I fell asleep. ED Oh. All right. I'11 watch at home, then. RAY Yeah... WOMAN (O.C.) Ray, where do you keep the glasses? ED Oh, is Shari here? Why didn't you just say so? Why are you giving me a song-and-dance about being tired? ED (CONT'D) (calls out) Hi, Shari. WOMAN (O.C.) Who's Shari? ED Who's -- Ray looks pained. Ed realizes what's happening and freezes Ray's phone RINGS. RAY Oh shit... He turns to answer his phone, allowing the door to swing open a little. Ed can see into the kitchen. He sees a WOMAN, wearing just panties, facing away from him, searching for glasses. RAY (into phone) Hello... Shari, hi... Oh no! ... Oh God! ED (to the camera) We'd better go... RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS loving this, some screaming "Don't go!, don't leave, stay" etc. BACK TO SCENE RAY (into phone) No, honey, it's not what it looks like-- She hangs up on him. He holds his head. RAY Oh God ... Ed! 64 INT. HALLWAY Ed is TIP-TOEING away. He stops when Ray calls him. Ray 'runs out into the hallway after him. They speak with lowered voices. RAY That was Shari. She saw the whole thing on TV-- ED What is this? What's going on, who is that? RAY (embarrassed) It's the receptionist at one of the places I service video equipment -- she's very pretty and, you know, she never even talks to me and then today I come in and she's all "I saw you on TV the other night... You were so great ... " Next thing I know we're ... ED Next thing you know! Why didn't you stop? RAY Stop? I'm a guy. I don't stop. The woman's supposed to stop. We're the gas, they're the brakes. WOMAN (O.C.) (calls out) Ray, I finished the Snapple. RAY Fine! WOMAN (O.C.) Is there more? RAY In the cabinet, but it's warm. There's ice in the tray. I (to Ed) Talk to her. ED I don't even know her. All I know is she likes Snapple. RAY No, not her. Shari. Go over there and talk to her 65 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM CYNTHIA Yes! Go! She THROWS SOMETHING at the screen. She PICKS UP the PHONE. 66 INT. HALLWAY ED Why me? RAY You brought the cameras here! ED You brought the girl! RAY Please! ED If I go over to Shari, the camera's going there, too. The Camera Operators are vigorously nodding and mouthing "Yes, Go." Ray is oblivious to this, but Ed picks it up. RAY That's good. She'11 -- you know control herself. Look. If I go over there, she's just gonna slam the door on me. Just go over and beg her to talk to me, that's all. Please. You owe me for this! Ed accepts the irony of Ray's attitude without comment 67 INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY- NIGHT The door opens, revealing RITA, Shari's roommate. RITA (nervously) Um... Shari knew you were coming over because she saw ... ED Right, yeah -- RITA (apologetic) She really doesn't want you and the camera in here right now. ED No, I understand. That's - where is she, is she all right? Rita isn't sure how much she should reveal. RITA I ... gave her a drink. I thought it ... but she's not much of a drinker, so it's made her a little... belligerent. Shari appears in the doorway over Rita's shoulder. she's holding a liquor bottle and she's a little drunk. SHARI What do you want?! ED (awkward) Shari, I'm just really sorry. Look, I know this is... unbelievably awkward, but if I could come in for like a second and -- you know -- just say... two words, then... Shari indicates with her head, that Ed can come in. Ed and Carlos enter. Rita shuts the door. Shari crosses to a couch. Ed indicates for Carlos to give them some distance. 68 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Don't lose them, Carlos. This is gold. Stay out of their way, but get everything. 69 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Carlos settles across the room. He rests the camera down as if he's not even shooting, but he's still guiding it where he wants it throughout the scene. RITA I'm gonna go to bed. (to Shari) You okay? Shari shrugs. RITA (CONT'D) Good night. She gives the camera a quick glance. RITA (CONT'D) (quickly, with a small wave) Hi, Mom. (she exits) ED Shari, Ray feels -- SHARI (starting to cry) Don't defend that horse's ass to me. ED I'm not. I'm not. I'm just Look -- you know, in a way, it's good. He got this out of his system now and he knows it's not worth it and, you know, someday if you guys got married or something -- SHARI Ha! ED Okay ... SHARI (poking Ed as she talks) I've got news for you-- I never intended to marry him. ED Oh... how come? 70 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray, watching on TV. 71 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT SHARI Well, for one thing, he's a bad lay. 72 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT His eyes bulge out and he begins to gasp. RAPID SHOTS of viewers reacting-- "Whoa!" laughs, etc. The college girls applauding. one of them SCREAMS "Tell it!" 73 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Ed realizes that Ray's been called a "bad lay" on television. ED Oh my God. SHARI (directly into the camera) I mean bad. ED Look, not having been there... I just think you're hurt and you're saying this to, you know, get back at him. She starts to cry. ED (CONT'D) Look... whether you get back together or not, you're too terrific a person to... lower yourself like this. 74 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray, still in shock. 75 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT ED (CONT'D) I mean, I told Ray -- a couple of times -- that I thought you were one of the best and ... smartest and... most attractive women I've ever seen so... In comforting her, he's gotten his face very close to hers. 76 INT. DORMITORY Same dorm girls as before. DORM GIRL Kiss him! Kiss him! BACK TO SCENE SHARI Really? ED Yeah. She tilts her head forward a little, hesitates, then kisses him, at first warmly, then passionately. 77 INT. DORM ROOM The girls are going wild-- SCREECHING. 78 INT. TAD'S HOUSE TAD I'm nuts, hah?! I knew it! I said! He dials the phone. 79 INT. JOHN'S HOUSE John is stunned. JOHN Oh, Jesus! 80 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT He stares, amazed. The WOMAN he was found with appears behind him. WOMAN I found the Snapple. 81 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM She sees the kiss. CYNTHIA Yes! Yes! I win! Scharlach, you schmuck! I am the golden goddess of television! She begins beating her chest, one fist at a time while she SCREAMS in triumph. 82 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Shari and Ed have stopped kissing. They both look stunned. Shari is suddenly sober. SHARI Oh my God. She looks at Carlos who has now moved closer to them SHARI (CONT'D) Oh my God. ED It's... okay SHARI I kissed my boyfriend's brother on television! ED Well, when you put it that way. SHARI Leave. Go. ED Can't we just -- SHARI Go! ED (exiting) All right. Okay. I'11 ... see you. He and Carlos exit. Going through the door, he gives Carlos a little push then quickly steps back inside, slams the door and locks it. 83 INT. CONTROL TRUCK CARLOS (V.O.) I'm locked out. DIRECTOR Stay calm. Shoot the door. We're running sound. And we've got a camera in the street. 84 EXT. BUILDING A CAMERA is shooting at a second-story window. We SEE SILHOUETTES. 85 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Ed is at the door. Shari is across the room. They stare at each other silently. Then they run to each other. They kiss again. 86 EXT. BUILDING We can SEE them KISSING... 87 INT. APARTMENT Ed and Shari are all over each other. They're breathless. SHARI What are we doing? ED I've got to tell you something. I have had a big thing for you for months. INTERCUT WITH SHOTS OF VIEWERS They're seeing the door or the silhouette shot, but they're hearing every word. They're mesmerized. SHARI Really? ED Yeah. I mean for months I've been seeing you with Ray you being his girlfriend and I kept wishing you were my girlfriend... But, you know, what could I do? SHARI Me too. I mean I'm going out with Ray and I'm... thinking about you. ED Really? SHARI Oh God, this is so weird. ED Weird? If this happened last month it would've been weird. Now with... the TV and... now it's just too weird. They look at each other. They don't know what to do. ED (CONT'D) I'd better go. She nods. He walks to the door. ED (CONT'D) Once more? She nods. They run back to each other and kiss. 88 EXT. BUILDING The silhouettes are kissing. 89 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray staring at the TV. 90 EXT. PRIVATE HOME - LATER "DAY SIX" This is a fairly old, modest private home. Ed pulls up. He and Carlos get out of the car. Ed hurries up to the front door and enters. 91 INT. HOME - CONTINUOUS Ed enters. He's a little AGITATED ANGLE ON AL ED Hi, Al. Al is in his wheelchair and taking periodic hits off an oxygen mask connected to a tank. Al's watching himself on TV. AL (excited) Look. It's me. He WAVES. ED Yeah. I brought you some movies. AL Anything good? They LAUGH. ED No, I intentionally picked out a lot of crap 'cause I don't like you. ED (CONT'D) Is Mom here? I gotta talk to her. AL She's in the kitchen. I'd yell for her, but I'd die. (sucks more oxygen) You had a busy night last night. ED (calls) Yeah. Ma... JEANETTE (O.C.) Eddie? ... ED Yeah? JEANETTE (O.C.) Are the TV people with you? ED Yeah. The camera guy is here. JEANETTE (O.C.) Send him away. ED Send him? Ma, I can't. it's -- just come out here. Please, I -- JEANETTE (O.C.) No. ED Do you want us to come in the kitchen? JEANETTE (O.C.) No. It's a mess. ED Look, Ma, come on out. Really. I need to talk to you. After a pause, Jeanette enters, very camera-conscious. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) This is my mother. STIFFLY, he gives her a kiss. ED (CONT'D) Ma, do you know where Ray is? I've been calling him and I'm getting his machine and -- JEANETTE Eddie, how could you do it? Your brother's girlfriend. ED Hey, he cheated on her. JEANETTE He made a mistake. ED I don't want to -- do you know where he is? JEANETTE No. Maybe he's watching. (indicates the camera) Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you'11 stay away from that girl. ED No! And that girl has a name. AL What do you love her or something? ED (embarrassed) Come on... AL (teasing) Look at your face. I had a car that color. VARIOUS REACTIONS OF VIEWERS really liking this. BACK TO SCENE JEANETTE I know you. This Shari is a passing fancy. ED No! I -- All right, look, if you hear from Ray.... tell him to call me, okay? He KISSES her again. ED (CONT'D) How's Marcia? She all right? JEANETTE I don't know. She's living with that "entertainer"... ED (trying to make his mother feel better) Well, who knows? Maybe she finally picked a winner this time. JEANETTE (unconvinced) Mm. ED You and Al lived together a few months before you got married -- after Dad left. JEANETTE (looks at the TV) Oh my God! ED I mean, that worked out. JEANETTE Oh my God!! She gets in the closet and closes the door. 92 INT. OFFICE ED (to the camera) I think we're through here. The Real TV group is there. They're smiling. Cynthia is ON the PHONE CYNTHIA (into phone) I will. I'11 tell them. (hangs up) That was Scharlach. All of you, scrub your asses. He's coming over to kiss them. They all WHOOP and LAUGH. 93 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - DAY Shari and Rita are watching Ed leave his parents house on TV. Rita is very excited. Shari is ON the PHONE. SHARI (into phone) Um, I'd like to get a new phone number, please... Because I'm getting calls from every nut case in America... Right, unlisted... Sure. (she holds) RITA Aren't you excited? He said he loved you on television! SHARI He didn't say it. His stepfather said it. RITA (joking) Well, the stepfather's cute... Seriously, how do you feel about Ed? Pause. SHARI I think he's great. He just makes me feel... oh, I'm really gonna get hurt, this time - Hello ... CUTS OF VARIOUS VIEWERS WATCHING REAL TV End on TAD and BARRY in a health club. This is the refreshment area. They've played racquetball and they're sweaty. They're watching Real TV. TAD I'11 tell you something else. The old guy in the wheelchair? The stepfather? They're gonna have him die. BARRY What do you mean "they're gonna have him die?" TAD You know, for a tearjerker. The audience falls in love with this loveable old geezer in a wheelchair and then he dies, it's ... They know what they're doing. BARRY This is real, Bananahead! TAD So? BARRY So if it's a show and they have a guy die that's writing, but if it's real and they have a guy die that's murder. 94 EXT. VIDEO STORE - DAY Ed arrives for work. People CALL OUT to him-- PEDESTRIANS, PEOPLE FROM CARS, TRUCK DRIVERS. "Hey Ed, my man." Ed waves. People shake his hand. A teenage boy looks into the camera, making a funny face. Someone else looks into the camera and says, "Hi, Ma." Suddenly, Ray is there with a WOMAN. Ray is not happy. He's wearing DARK GLASSES and a HAT. RAY Hi. Ed stops. ED ... Ray? RAY Yeah. ED Oh, man, I've been trying to call you. RAY I know. ED Look, we gotta talk. RAY Save it. A GUY in a car appears and points at Ray. GUY Hey, you're that French guy on TV. RAY French guy? GUY Monsieur Bad-a-lay. The guy drives away. Ray is steaming. RAY Let me just do what I came here to do. Ed thinks he means to fight. Ed tries to calm him. ED What are we gonna fight? Ray, please, listen to me -- RAY (beckoning) Cassie... CASSIE, a woman about Ray's age, steps forward. She's slightly self-conscious. RAY (CONT'D) Go ahead. Ray points Cassie to the camera. CASSIE This is really hard. RAY You promised me. CASSIE (to the camera) I went out with Ray a few years ago for... a couple of months. And we... were intimate. And. he's really not as bad as that girl said he was. Ray nods. CASSIE (CONT'D) I mean, I've definitely had worse. RAY That's enough. Ed is amazed that Ray would do this. RAY (CONT'D) (to Ed) Good-bye, brother! ED Ray, come an-- Ray leaves, still angry. Cassie lingers. CASSIE (flirting slightly) So you're Ed. Ray returns and yanks Cassie away with him. Ed still hasn't recovered from the bizarreness he just witnessed. Two girls YELL in unison from across the street. GIRLS Ed... we love you! 95 INT. REAL TV OFFICE - NIGHT Cynthia and her staff, around a conference call box. CYNTHIA We're not going to be able to come over there for anymore midnight meetings. People are starting to watch your building. The interest level in you is soaring. INTERCUT WITH: 95A INT. ED'S BEDROOM. Ed's OFF-CAMERA ED Soaring is good, right? I mean, that means you're not gonna cancel me, right? KEITH (sotto) Man, he wants that balloon payment. ED (V.O.) Huh? TERRY Ed, why didn't you go over to see Shari today? That's what all our viewers were hoping you'd do. ED Isn't she great? I mean, maybe just to me, but... I don't know, she's just -- TERRY (impatiently) She's great, she's great. Why didn't you go see her? ED I wanted to! I was dying to! But... GREG Is it Ray? (pulls out research) The audience hates Ray. Females, 18 to 35 -- ED No, I don't need to hear that. Cynthia? CYNTHIA Yes, Ed. ED Could we just talk alone for a second? I -- CYNTHIA Good idea. (to her staff) Could you all leave us alone for a few minutes? She PANTOMIMES for them to stay in the room, but be quiet. The staff scrape chair legs and feign movement and ad lib "Bye Ed", "See you, buddy" etc. They all stay. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) How you doing, Ed? ED I feel like when I was a kid and my mother sent me to school in orange corduroy pants. CYNTHIA (no clue) Uh-huh? ED And all the kids stared calling me "Pumpkin Ass." "Hey Pumpkin Ass," -- for like a year. So, now, I feel like everyone's watching me and, you know, I'm "Pumpkin Ass" again. The staff are stifling giggles. CYNTHIA Can I tell you something? I think you are fantastic. I think you have taken an idea and turned it into something explosive. The staff stifle laughter. One of the guys is doing a jerk-off gesture. Cynthia gives them the finger. ED Yeah? CYNTHIA Can I give you one bit of advice? About Shari? ED Sure. CYNTHIA A woman wants to be pursued. 96 EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY Shari, in her Fed-ex uniform is making a delivery. A WOMAN's signing for it. WOMAN This is so exciting! A real celebrity delivering my figs. SHARI (uncomfortable) Sign here, please. WOMAN That Ray was a pig. Ed is doll. You latch on to him honey. SHARI By the X. WOMAN Some more make-up wouldn't do you any harm. On TV you look a little washed out. SHARI What would I actually have to do to get you to sign this? WOMAN (insulted) Oh, an TV a minute and already an attitude. SHARI (annoyed) By the X. That's were two lines cross -- forming an X. ANGRILY, the Woman signs and slams the door. She heads back to her truck. She looks up and Ed is there with flowers. The TV cameras are there also. Shari is startled. But she's also glad to see him. SHARI What are you doing? ED I missed you. She's camera-shy. ED (CONT'D) You know, I never saw you in your uniform before. SHARI Yeah, well... They both LAUGH. ED It's really a tremendous turnoff. SHARI You should see the one we wear when it rains. ED Sunday night at the Devils game, I'm driving the Zamboni. SHARI The what? ED You know, the big machine that cleans the ice. SHARI Oh yeah. ED It's quite an honor. Will you come with me? She looks at the camera. ED (CONT'D) (gently) Look, I know this is weird. But... I don't want to wait. I really think we might have something together. Don't you? EMBARRASSED, she nods. ED (CONT'D) Come on. Be my zamboni date. She doesn't say "no." They KISS -- a little hesitantly, not passionately, but affectionately. She's still self-conscious, but she's going with the flow. 97 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE They're watching. They CHEER and high-five each other. 98 INT. SHORT MONTAGE Ed and Shari dating. She's shy, but she really likes Ed. He likes her and is very sweet to her. 1) Ed and Shari some place like "Tavern on the Green." She looks pretty. He's very happy. 2) They come out of a club. TOURISTS photograph them. Shari is a little disconcerted. Ed takes out a little camera of his own and photographs the tourists. This makes Shari laugh and relaxes her. 3) HOCKEY ARENA CLOSE-UP of Ed, driving the Zamboni. He's loving it. He WAVES to Shari. SHARI IN THE STANDS, watching. She waves and smiles. The ice, a WIDER SHOT. The Zamboni is, basically out of control. Carlos is sliding along the ice, shooting Ed as the Zamboni zig-zags dangerously, eventually crashing into the boards, shattering the Plexiglas. 99 INT. LOCAL ROCK CLUB - NIGHT It's very CROWDED. Claustrophobic. Loud. Ed and Shari enter just to see the show. They're spotted. The Crowd, which is already fired up by the music, sees them. It starts out okay, people crowding around, patting Ed on the back. A CHANT begins "Ed, Ed, Ed..." Pretty soon it drowns out the music. More people press towards Ed. It's too crowded -- dangerous. Shari is swept away from Ed. She's buffeted about, violently. She goes down. Ed can't move. The Crowd is friendly and happy, but the effect is scary. 100 EXT. ROCK CLUB - A FEW MINUTES LATER BOUNCERS squeeze Ed and Shari out the door, protecting them. Ed is unnerved. Shari is somewhat bedraggled. Her clothing is torn. 101 INT. ED'S KITCHEN - DAY Ed is ON the PHONE. INTERCUT WITH: CYNTHIA'S OFFICE Yeah?! ED They tore her dress! ... CYNTHIA We're going to get you a bodyguard, don't worry. Ed, I have some news for you. We're picking up Ed TV for another month! ED (excited) Yeah?! CYNTHIA That means a balloon payment and a big raise for the second month. ED Stand back -- I'm about to do my Happy Dance. He does. 102 INT. RESTAURANT Ed and Shari are EATING. So is a HUGE MAN sitting between them. His name is MOE. 103 INT. ROLLER RINK Ed and Shari are SKATING. Up ahead of them, Moe, (on skates) is plowing into people, knocking them over. 104 INT. PIZZA JOINT - NIGHT Ed and Shari get up to leave. They look at each other, very affectionately. They want to kiss. The cameras are close. Ed is wearing a jacket. He spreads it out wide to block Shari's face from the cameras. He leans in and they KISS on the lips, several times, while Ed's jacket screens off the cameras. They're in love. 105 INT. TV NEWS SHOW- THREE WEEKS LATER Written on the screen -- "Day 26." It's the same news team we met earlier. ANCHOR Well, welve had pet rocks, hula hoops, Davy Crockett, Beatle wigs, and leisure suits. But America's latest craze is a guy named Ed. Here with that story is entertainment reporter, Rick Douglas. ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Pat, four weeks ago, no one in America had even heard of Ed Pekurny. Today, this thirty-one year-old video store clerk has become something of a national obsession. The words viewers use to describe him are "charming," "natural," and "appealing." And ratings indicate that "Ed TV" is being watched by more people, each day, than any show in the history of cable television. CUT TO: A SHOT of Scharlach being interviewed. A CAPTION identifies him. SCHARLACH This idea just came to me. I told my staff -- if people just tune in twice a day for five minutes we're a hit. Sometimes you gotta go with your gut feeling. CUT TO: 106 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE She's watching. She's ANGRY. CYNTHIA Sure it came to you! Because I brought it to you! (raises her fist) You want a gut feeling?! How about a groin feeling?! (raises her foot) BACK TO NEWS REPORT ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Ed TV has become so popular that when Ed goes to sleep Real TV is running highlights of Ed's day all night. Some viewers have become obsessed with Ed. They wake up when Ed wakes up, they go to sleep when Ed goes to sleep, and in between they try to watch as much of him as possible. A SERIES OF MAN-IN-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS. WOMAN #1 (casually) Yeah, I watch it... More than I'd like to admit sometimes. MAN (about fifty) Never... no... YOUNGER MAN Honestly? ... I try not to go to the bathroom until Ed goes to the bathroom so I won't miss anything. A GUY in an ice cream store. ICE CREAM GUY Watch this! Like Ed. He slices a banana the way Ed does. WOMAN #2 I just kind of leave it an, you know, so it's... there. THREE TEEN-AGE GIRLS TEEN-AGER #l I don't like Shari. She's ... needy. TEEN-AGER #2 I like her. She's sweet. TEEN-AGER #1 She just rubs me the wrong way. TEEN-AGER #3 I'm so glad they got rid of Ray. He was creepy. CUT TO: YOUNG GUYS GUY #1 To me, this Shari is like nothing. GUY #2 She's not even hot. I mean Ed's a celebrity. If that was me, I'd be dating the goods. GUY #1 There's something wrong with her. She's definitely not hot. GUY #2 Not hot. Not. 107 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT She's watching this, wearing a bathrobe. Her self-esteem is being crushed. 108 INT. TV STUDIO This is an "E TV" kind of gossip show. The host -- a YOUNG WOMAN -- is showing film of Ed and Shari getting out of Ed's car. The film freeze-frames. Shari has an unflattering look on her face. GOSSIP QUEEN What's wrong with her! Everytime you look at this chick, it's like she badly needs a Tampax. Ed, you can do better. Shari watching, in horror. 109 INT. DELICATESSAN - NIGHT Ed and Shari are on a date. A WAITRESS is taking their order. Shari still seems a little self-conscious, but Ed is having a ball. ED I'11 have... (to Shari) Get this -- (to the waitress) I'11 have the "Ed." SHARI I'm stunned. A WOMAN with her young SON approach. WOMAN Mr. Pekurny. I'm sorry to bother you. My son would just love to have your autograph. ED No problema. (to the boy) You want a picture? The boy nods. ED (CONT'D) Moe. MOE, the Bodyguard, in the next booth hands Ed a glossy of Ed and a pen. Ed signs it. ED (CONT'D) Take this around the corner to Frame World, they'll give you a discount. The Woman and Child leave. ED (CONT'D) (to Shari) Oh -- Sunday is good for me to meet your folks. We get a big family audience on Sundays so it works out. SHARI (ironic) That's lucky. ED Saturday, I think we should A PHONE RINGS Ed takes a phone out of his pocket. ED (CONT'D) (plugging) Compliments of Motorola. Hello... Marcia?? (to Shari) My sister. -- What? ... What, right now? ... I'm eating, I'm on a date! ... Well, where's your boyfriend -- what's his name? Cliff .... Then, call a cab... (wearily) All right. Look, just don't start any trouble okay. Just sit there quietly 'til I get there... you're welcome. He HANGS UP. He's disgusted. 110 INT. CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER ED This used to be a regular thing. And the worst part, is while she'd be waiting for me to come down to some bar and get her, she'd start up with some guy and say "Wait 'til my brother gets here, he'11 kick your ass." So then I walk in and there's some rhinoceros in a windbreaker who tries to shove me into a shot glass. And Marcia's drunk and screaming "Kick his ass, Ed. Kick his ass." (looks out) I think this is it. 111 INT. BAR It's not a seedy dive. Ed and Shari and the camera operators enter. A CUSTOMER approaches. CUSTOMER Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You're the guy on TV. ED What was the tip-off? The enormous camera? CUSTOMER Watch this. The guy does Ed's "Happy Dance." CUSTOMER (CONT'D) See, like you. ED Yeah. Keep up the good work. Ed brushes by him. He sees a WOMAN passed out at a table. ED (CONT'D) Oh great. He prepares to lift her. MARCIA (O.C.) Ed. He turns and sees Marcia standing there. MARCIA (CONT'D) What are you doing? ED Hm? I'm, uh... Why isn't this drunken woman you? He lets go of the woman. Her head bounces on the table. ED (CONT' D) What's going on? Why did you want me to come down here? Marcia guides them into chairs. MARCIA Cliff is here. He's performing. I wanted you to see him. For a second, Ed doesn't get it. Then. ED Oh! Oh -- okay, now I get it. It's "Star Search." You wanted me here because the camera comes with me. MARCIA Ed, he needs a break. You don't know what kind of bad luck he's had -- ED I can imagine. You said you wanted nothing to do with this. You swore to me. "Don't come near me. Don't bring this into my life..." MARCIA For God sakes, you said two words about some lousy pizza joint, the guy's a millionaire now. This could be my whole future we're talking about. (to Shari) Hi, I'm Ed's sister. SHARI (politely) I've heard so much about you. 112 INT. BAR - LATER Cliff is in the middle of his show. He's wearing a PORTABLE ORGAN. He's not great. He's a smalltime professional with a lot of pep. Marcia is beaming. Ed's cameras are shooting him. CUTS OF Cliff, singing every type of song, imaginable. This guy is desperately trying to cover all the bases -- i.e. Sinatra-type standards, something from "Lion King", "Do Ya' Think I'm Sexy," "Smokin' in the Boy's Room," "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees," the theme from "Hawaii Five-0," a rap number, and "Ave Maria." ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI ED (sotto) I wish my stepfather was here. SHARI Why? ED He could give me some oxygen. 113 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER Ed and Shari are KISSING. CUTAWAYS TO VIEWERS TAD AND BARRY BARRY Oh boy! Here we go! Ed is passionate. JEANETTE AND AL JEANETTE (cringing) Euuw... RAY Fuming. BACK TO ED AND SHARI SHARI Um... ED What? She indicates the camera. Ed tries to allay her fears. ED (CONT'D) I told you. If we... you know do it, they go away until ... we're done. SHARI I know, but even if they go away, everybody in America knows what we're doing because... they went away. ED So? What do they think -- we're not kids -- SHARI (overlapping) I know, I ... ED (overlapping) Shari, I really like you... SHARI (overlapping) I really like you too... ED ...if this ... (the camera) ... weren't here... ? SHARI ... yeah, then, but... CUTAWAYS ED So...? SHARI Ed... I think we should stop seeing each other. The guys who said she wasn't hot. They applaud. THE DORM GIRLS They're booing Shari. A BAR A very attractive woman (JILL) and her friend. JILL That girl's an idiot. BACK TO ED AND SHARI ED What?... Why? SHARI (starting to weep) I can't take it anymore... GUYS WHO DON'T THINK SHE'S HOT They mock her, crying "Boo hoo hoo" and pretending to rub their eyes. BACK TO ED AND SHARI SHARI (crying) I have no privacy. Even now! I'm crying and I can't stop and they won't go away. And now it's going to be another month! ED Shari... SHARI Everybody hates me! ED No. Who? SHARI Look at this. She picks up a N.Y. POST. SHARI (CONT'D) Page three of the Post. ED (knows what it is) Ohh... SHARI A poll. "Is Shari Good Enough for Ed?" Seventy-one per cent said "no." (crying) They hate me! ED Who cares? I don't ca -- No. I do care. (to the camera) Shame on everybody. Shame on you! Well, just the seventy-one percent. The other... (he can't do the math) SHARI Twenty-nine. ED Exactly. Boy, you're smart. (to the camera) Why are you so mean to her? What did she do to you? (picks up newspaper) "Is she good enough for Ed?" Who the hell am I? (sarcastically) Who the hell do you think I should be dating? SHARI There's a list. ED Really? (he looks) SHARI Ed? He doesn't hear her. He's scanning the list. ED Wow... 114 INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW (OR SOMETHING) Ed is a guest. DAVE I'm out here an hour a night and I feel like a dork. You're on every minute! Doesn't it just drive you nuts? ED (cheerfully) Yeah. LAUGHS. DAVE All this fame and the money you're making. Is this going to change you, do you think? ED God, I hope so. BIGGER LAUGHS. 115 INT. GREEN ROOM - LATER It's after the show. Ed is getting ready to leave. John is with him, keeping him company. A. P.A. is giving Ed a bag of gifts. (Of course, Ed is still on Ed TV.) PRODUCTION ASSISTANT You've got a ham in there and Dave's book and -- ED Hey, if it's free, it's me. (to John) You ready? JOHN Yeah. You did good. What's wrong? ED Aah, I wanted Shari to come. JOHN Oh -- so I'm just, what -- a poor substitute? He KISSES John. ED (easily) Yeah. (to the camera) Honey, if you're watching this is for you. JOHN No! Don't -- (new subject) Oh, wow. ED What? ANGLE ON JILL IN THE HALLWAY (We met her earlier in a cutaway.) She's saying good-bye to a CASTING ASSISTANT. JOHN No more calls, we have a winner. Jill looks up, sees Ed and walks right up to him JILL Hi. ED Hi. SECURITY steps forward. ED (CONT'D) It's all right. They step back. JILL I'm Jill. I really like your show. I think you're great. ED Thanks... That's ... Shari, watching this on television. JILL You must be John. JOHN I'm trying to remember. JILL (to Ed) Well, I don't want to bother you, I'm just -- I was here auditioning for a skit. You know, one of those things where Dave goes around town with models and whatever... ED Oh, yeah, I love those. Yeah... those are funny... JILL Well, it was really nice meeting you and, uh... (checks her watch) I'd better get a cab. But she doesn't leave. ED Um... They gave me a limo, uh... JILL Oh, great! Thanks. I'm just going uptown. She takes his arm and leads him out. 116 INT. HEALTH CLUB - NEXT DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 28" Two WOMEN on Stairmasters. WOMAN V11 bet he goes out with her. It's like those actors -- as soon as they get famous -- Pfft - there goes the wife. 117 EXT. COLLEGE The dorm girls. 118 INT. POKER GAME COLLEGE GIRL He'll never cheat on Shari! The game includes Tad and Barry. 119 INT. TV STUDIO BARRY You think she really likes him? TAD She doesn't give a shit about him. BARRY You know what would be great? TAD What? BARRY If Ray would steal this girl from Ed. That would be great. POKER PLAYER #2 You know what would be even better? BARRY What? POKER PLAYER #2 If you shut your hole and played cards. Goddam pineapple brothers. The same eggheads who, earlier, had no interest in Ed. Now they're all worked up. PANEL MEMBER #1 But he's not a normal person anymore. He's a celebrity. We're no longer observing anyone's "real life." PANEL MEMBER #2 (disagreeing) But that's what's interesting! The effect of celebrity on an otherwise average person. PANEL MEMBER #3 But do you really feel that Ed is an average person? I mean this guy seems to have a... magnetism, a charisma that, I think, transcends the entire concept. PANEL MEMBER #4 I agree. He's special. They all nod. 120 INT. EWS APARTMENT - DAY " DAY 34 " Ed is opening letters and packages. There are piles of them ED This is from a girl named Tawny... this goes in the nude picture pile. Thank you, Tawny. He places it in a large pile. He opens another envelope. ED (CONT'D) Let's see. Ed stares and his smile disappears. ANGLE ON THE MAIL A picture of Ed's face with his body drawn underneath it. The body is spurting blood and is mutilated. Ed stares at it. ED Well. This is creative. This goes in the psychopath pile. The DOORBELL RINGS. ED Oh, I hope that's not this guy. (indicates psycho letter) He PICKS UP a baseball bat and crosses to the door. He opens the door. A handsome man in his early sixties is there. His name is HANK. HANK Hello. ED Hi. Ed waits. HANK You don't recognize me. ED No. Am I supposed to? Hank shrugs. Ed stares at him, then begins to look a little shaken. 121 INT. EWS MOTHER'S HOUSE Jeanette is putting a jar in the refrigerator. She glances at the television. She drops the jar. It SHATTERS... 122 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT Marcia is with her half-Asian son ANDY. She's serving his dinner. OFF-CAMERA we HEAR Cliff SINGING and the DOG HOWLING in distress. Glancing at the television, Marcia gasps. 123 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray is TYPING on a word processor. He stares curiously at the television. 124 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed is staring at Hank doubtfully. HANK It's me, Hank -- your father. RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS, excited. Many of them reach for the phone. 125 INT. REAL TV OFFICE The Real TV staff react. Cynthia looks over-- stunned. ALICE (to Cynthia) Did you do this? Did you find him and get him to-- CYNTHIA No way... Oh, this just keeps getting better. 126 INT. AL AND JEANETTE'S HOUSE - DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 35" Ed and his mother are arguing. Al is sucking oxygen and has a pile of "People" magazines with Ed on the cover. A REPAIRMAN is fixing the refrigerator. All their food is out and melting. Jeanette is trying to preserve food in an ice chest while she argues with Ed. JEANETTE I can't believe you're taking his side. ED I'm not! I'm just trying to get some facts. AL (to Ed) Sign this one to Nancy. She's the nurse who handles my urine. Ed signs. JEANETTE I told you the facts! He abandoned us -- those are the facts. ED So everything he told me yesterday was a lie. Everything. Al takes a loud breath. JEANTETTE Yes! ... practically ED What do you mean practically? Did he really run away or did you throw him out like he says. REPAIRMAN I need to replace the coil. JEANETTE (to Ed) He ran away after I threw him out. (to repairman) How much is a new coil? REPAIRMAN A hundred and fifty bucks. ED So he was telling the truth you threw him out. REPAIRMAN Should I go ahead? JEANETTE Yes. ED Yes to me or yes to the coil? JEANETTE Both. ED Holy sh-- AL This one to Dr. Bamajian. Maybe he won't make me wait an hour. Ed signs. JEANETTE He had girlfriends! ED He says -- JEANETTE I don't care what he says. Look, I don't need to relive this. On television! AL Whatever happened to Norman Rockwell? ED Who? AL Norman Rockwell. He painted magazine covers. Folksy. A mailman, a boy scout, a kid visiting a doctor... ED Yeah, so... ? AL They celebrated the common person. ED Well, I don't think you can get more common than me, Al. AL No. Only celebrities now. Now, if you put a mailman on the cover of a magazine he'd better have killed someone or no one will buy it. This one to Dr. Rumpley. Jeanette storms back in. JEANETTE All right -- do you want to know the truth? I took you and Marcia and Ray to my sister's on the train for the weekend and you all got chicken pox. So I took you home a day early and there was your father with a woman in our bed. Okay? ED Chicken pox? I was six. He didn't leave 'til I was twelve. JEANETTE He... apologized, he begged me. He can be very... charming when it suits his purpose. ED But what was that whole story about him and a nurse? JEANETTE She could've been a nurse. ED Could've been a nurse? JEANETTE She had white shoes. ED So does Grandma. So does Shaquille O'Neal. You told me you had a hysterectomy and he ran off with your nurse. JEANETTE What's the difference? ED The difference is for twenty years I thought one thing and now it's another thing. Ed nods. JEANETTE He was no good. Do you remember how he used to scream at me? You used to cover your ears with dinner rolls. JEANETTE (CONT'D) Also, no job was ever good enough for him. "Small potatoes, small potatoes." Al, you remember -- Al breathes loudly. ED Wait a minute. I thought you didn't know Al, 'til after Dad left. Pause. Even the repairman pokes his head out of the refrigerator. ED (CONT' D) Oh my God. You and Al were - and that's why you threw him out. JEANETTE He had a woman in my own bed! And how dare you call him "Dad" in front of Al. (shakes Al by the shoulder) This is your father. This is who was there for you when you needed someone. AL Jeanette, you're hurting me. ED (on the defensive) I'm not -- I didn't -- Al, you know how I feel about you... Al breathes loudly. ED (CONT'D) (uncomfortably) If I don't call you "Dad" it' just because... 1 was already a big boy when you came into our lives -- (pointedly to his mother) or when I thought you came into our lives -- JEANETTE And what did he come back now for? ED Who? JEANETTE Hank! All of a sudden. Because now you're famous and he can get something from you. I don't wan you to become a victim like Marcia. (to the TV) Not that you're a victim, honey. You're not. Life's just been a little hard on you, sweetie. ED (to Al) What do you think. I mean about... him. Should I just... have nothing to do with him? I mean... AL (to Ed) Have I ever said a bad word to you about your father? ED No. AL Well, now I will. He was a crazy mean, son-of-a-bitch. Al starts to wheel himself out. Ed looks weary. AL (CONT'D) But he was your father. 127 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's asleep. 128 INT. CONTROL TRUCK They're monitoring him. They see Ed WAKE UP. They stir. Sleepy, and scratching his ass, he goes into the bathroom. 129 INT. BATHROOM Ed shuts the door. He takes his PORTABLE PHONE OUT of a bathroom drawer. (He stashed it there.) He makes a call and waits. ED (whispering) Hi... it's me, Ed. It's been two days, I want to see you... No, I won't let them follow me, I'11 sneak out... No it's not allowed, but I'm going for it... I'm on my way. He takes CLOTHING OUT of the bathroom hamper. until he finds something acceptable. 130 INT. CONTROL TRUCK They're monitoring the empty bed. 131 INT. BATHROOM Ed is dressed. He CLIMBS OUT his bathroom window. 132 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER Shari opens her front door. ED Hi. She looks down the hallway. ED (CONT'D) They're not here. He goes in, grabs her and kisses her passionately. SHARI I tried to tell you over the phone -- my parents went to Atlantic City. ED So? SHARI So my little brother's staying here. I'm sleeping with Rita. ED Oh Je -- couldn't he sleep with Rita? We'11 all have a good time. SHARI I'm sorry. ED Come on, let's go. SHARI Where? ED Somewhere. 133 INT. ED'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER They get in. They look at each other. ED Do you want to go to a motel? SHARI I feel like a criminal or, like we're cheating on someone. ED (nicely) Just... just relax. Okay? We won't do anything. We'11 just sit here for a while. SHARI Okay. ED Come on... Gently he puts his arm around her. At first, she hesitates, but then curls up against him and relaxes. ED (CONT'D) I need to talk. SHARI Are you all right? ED She lied to me. I mean all my life, she's telling me one story and then... it turns out to be a completely different story. Come to me at some point -- tell me the truth. No. Not in my house. The truth is a stranger. And this is why Ray and Marcia are the way they are. Marcia gets involved with all these losers and sees no problem with herself - "How do they find me" she says. Ray cheats on you and then blames me for it. I'm the only one in the family who takes any responsibility for himself... Oh, man... Are you all right? SHARI (hesitantly) Yeah... I saw that girl come on to you at the TV show. ED Oh that was... no, I ... she just kind of trapped me into giving her a ride. It's you. I want you. SHARI ...yeah? He TOUCHES her. They KISS. Then again. Their hands are roaming. They're hot. They're breathing hard. He's unbuttoning her blouse. Their hands are all over each other. Her blouse comes off. LIGHTS GO ON. They see cameras, shooting at them. Shari SCREAMS and covers her breasts. 134 INT. TV - DAY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Good morning. Welcome to another day of Ed TV. Last night, while most of us were asleep ... this happened. 135 INT. FRAT HOUSE - MORNING FOUR GUYS in a disgustingly messy room, watching the replay of Ed and Shari. FRAT GUYS Yes!! They GYRATE LEWDLY. 136 EXT. STREET - DAY Shari is working. Ed is following her around. Shari is ANGRY. The cameras are there. SHARI Get them away from me. She takes PACKAGES OUT OF the TRUCK and THROWS them at the cameramen. ED It's not their fault. SHARI No. It's your fault. She throws a package at him. ED What do you want me to do? You want me to quit the show?! SHARI No... Could you? ED No. If I quit I don't get the balloon payment. SHARI The what? ED Ray borrowed this whole tub of money against this balloon payment that I don't get if I qu -- it's too complicated. I -- Besides... SHARI What? Pause. ED You see how people look at me. Like when they ask for my autograph or say "Hi" to me... It's like I'm a basketball player or a... you know, like I'm someone. SHARI Everybody's someone. ED Well, yeah, everybody's someone. But I mean someone they want to be. I mean let's face it, I'm working in the video store, no one's coming in saying "oh, I wish I was that guy. 1 wish was rewinding that huge pile of tapes." At least for a month I'm not just a guy with a name tag. I'm famous. A GUY YELLS from across the street. GUY Shari! Nice nipples. ED And so are you. GUYS keep YELLING "Shari!" She tries to go after them. Ed holds her back. SHARI I don't want to be famous for getting caught with my shirt off. If I'm going to be famous -- The camera is right in her face. She grabs it. SHARI (CONT'D) (to the camera person) This is going right up your ass. ED Come on. He returns the camera. Shari starts for her truck. SHARI Look... maybe we just better put us on hold until this is over. She gets in her truck. ED Come on! Loosen up. (trying to joke) See -- this is why seventy-one per cent of the people don't like you. She SLAMS the TRUCK DOOR. ED (CONT'D) It was a joke! A... vicious, thoughtless stupid joke. He bangs himself in the head. She drives away. He BOWS. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) And that, for you kids out there, is how you screw up a relationship. 137 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed enters. He's worn out. He plops down, and puts on the TV. ED (to the camera) I'm gonna watch anything but me. Ed is flipping stations. Something makes him stop. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Coming in two weeks to the Lifestyle Channel -- Joma. His Dad's a cop, his brother's a bouncer in a topless bar, his sister is a black-belt social worker -- and Joma's living with two gals. ANGLE ON THE TV We see JOMA. He has a lot of charisma. He seems a little dangerous, but in an exciting way. JOMA Hey, Ed! I'm coming to get you, man! I'm gonna eat you right up! (makes gobbling-up noises) ANGLE ON ED Watching. He's stunned. 138 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY They're watching a tape of Ed TV. Ed has just entered his own apartment. A WOMAN is there, sitting on his sofa. She's caressing Ed's undershorts against her cheek. Ed is highly agitated. ED How did you get into my apartment?! The BODYGUARD is pulling her out. REVEAL that Scharlach, McIlvaine, Seaver, Cynthia and Greg are all watching. McILVAINE What is she holding? GREG (calmly) A pair of Ed's underwear. McILVAINE Oh my God! ON the TAPE, the woman while being forcibly evicted, offers the underwear to Ed. Ed recoils. ED No -- keep it. WOMAN I love you! 1 want to marry you! She's hauled out. They stop the tape. SCHARLACH See -- that's television! This other thing, this Jama, that has "stink" written all over it. GREG The break-up with Shari was very big. Big ratings. SEAVER Only, Cynthia, seriously. Tell Ed not to sneak out anymore. SCHARLACH Cynthia ... He wants it accomplished. 139 EXT. STREET - DAY SEAVER (CONT'D) It's in violation of his contract and if we wanted to be hard-nosed about it, he could forfeit all pay, including money he's already received. CYNTHIA (dutifully, but a tad resentfully) I will see that he's properly threatened. SCHARLACH Now what? What's on the young man's agenda? We don't want to see him sitting around like a lovesick puppy. GREG Young males do not want to see Ed get back with Shari. SCHARLACH (impatiently) Enough with her. That sailed. McILVAINE Could Ed live with two girls? GREG You know who the audience is requesting a lot? That girl, Jill, that Ed met at the Letterman show. She really scored. SCHARLACH Cynthia... He wants it accomplished. 139 EXT. STREET - DAY Ed is walking from his car to a building. CROWDS are behind barricades. They YELL at Ed as he passes. Ed is used to this. 140 INT. SHARI'S BUILDING - DAY Rita OPENS the door and sees Ed. RITA (nervously) Oh. Ed. ED Hi. Is Shari here? RITA No. ED What is she, at work? RITA She left. ED Well, when will she be back? RITA She won't. ED What are you talking about? RITA She left. She moved. She got Fed-Ex to give her a transfer and she left. She couldn't stand it anymore. We had people, news people, regular people, just sleeping in our hallway, going through our mail, our garbage. I mean it was she couldn't take it anymore. Now I've got to move. I can't afford this place by myself. ED I'm sorry. Where'd they send her? RITA She wouldn't tell me. 141 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's off the air. He's a little down. He's ON the PHONE- INTERCUT WITH: 142 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM She's working out an a contraption. ED Remember when you were interviewing me? (details to follow) 143 EXT. PARK - DAY CYNTHIA Yeah. ED You asked me if I had a dream. I said "Sure, I have a dream. I just don't know what it is yet." CYNTHIA Great line. ED What if Shari's the dream? CYNTHIA Ed, do you want my advice? ED Yeah, that's why I called. I mean, maybe Fed-Ex would tell me where she moved -- CYNTHIA Leave her be. ED You said a woman likes to be pursued. CYNTHIA Pursued, not harassed. Give it some space. Can I tell you something -- as a friend? My sister was going with a guy they hit a little rough spot they started seeing other people they got back together and last month they had their third child For what it's worth. OPEN ON ANDY, Ed's half-Asian nephew. He's eight. He's wearing a baseball glove. ANDY Throw me a high one, Uncle Eddie. ED (O.C.) Okay. REVEAL ED, also wearing a baseball glove. He throws a high pop up to Andy. Andy staggers around and almost catches it. ED Oh!! JILL (0.C.) We have to stop meeting like this. ED Hm? REVEAL JILL, walking a DOG. it takes just a second to recognize her. ED (CONT'D) Oh, hi. Ed is hit with the ball. ANDY Sorry. REVEAL the Real TV Staff watching this on television in their office. As Ed and Jill chat in the background. ALICE (to Cynthia) Did you arrange this? CYNTHIA (points to the TV) Whose dog is that? ALICE (surprised) That's your dog. Cynthia doesn't even smile. MONTAGE INTERSPERSED IN THE MONTAGE ARE SHOTS OF PEOPLE WATCHING THEM ON TV 1. Ed and Jill going into a chic club -- ushered in immediately. Here, as in the other times we see her, Jill is comfortable with the situation. She's the opposite of Shari. She poses willingly. She chats easily with paparazzi. She clings to Ed. There's nothing overt or obnoxious about her. She's just comfortable and good at it and always looks great. 2. INTERVIEW with the guys who didn't like Shari. GUY #1 Way to go, Ed! GUY # 2 Now, we're talking! 3. A N.Y. Post story: "Readers Pick Jill over Shari." Pictures of both women. Jill looks great. Shari is in her uniform and looks like a mouse. 4. SHARI In a new apartment. Watching Ed and Jill on TV. She's very unhappy. She turns it off. 5. Ed and Jill at the nice restaurant he was at with Shari earlier. It looks like he's starting to like her. 6. Ed is refereeing a pro-wrestling match. He counts out the villain who, then, jumps up and chases him out of the ring. 144 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT "DAY 47" Ed and Jill are in a HEAVY LIPLOCK. Carlos is right there with the camera. Unlike Shari, Jill seems unself-conscious. She's getting Ed pretty turned-on. SHOTS of VIEWERS, also turned on, especially the men. JILL You want to? It's clear what she means. Ed is conflicted. He's clearly aroused. ED Um... It's kind of ... He looks for his watch on the wrong wrist, then seems to check all around his body until he discovers it. JILL Are you busy tomorrow night? ED No. JILL Why don't you come over. And I'11 make dinner. And you bring a movie. And ... We'11 make a night of it ... okay? ED (nervously) Sure. 145 EXT. STREET - DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 48" Ed is walking, the camera following. He looks tense. People SHOUT "Hey, Ed" "Ed-die" etc. ANGLE ON A NEWSPAPER VENDING MACHINE The New York Post front page -- "Is tonight the Night?" with a picture of Ed and Jill kissing. ANGLE ON ED ED Oh man... CON ED GUY Hey, Eddie. Ed looks up. CON ED GUY (CONT'D) (giving the "thumbs up") Go for it! Ed continues down the street. People YELL to him "Good luck tonight," "We're rooting for you" etc. A STREET CHARACTER walks alongside for a minute. STREET CHARACTER Hey, man. This is Haitian Love Juice. (he produces a vial) You give her this, she be yours. Security grabs him and the vial falls and breaks. The liquid hits the pavement and smokes up. ED (looking at the smoke) Jesus! More shouts "Be gentle", "We'11 be watching", "Use a condom" etc. A SCHOOL BUS passes. The KIDS YELL out the window to Ed. KIDS (in unison) Good luck! 146 EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT There is no line. At TICKET TAKER sits, bored. No one is going in or coming out. 147 EXT. STREET It's deserted. 148 EXT. RESTAURANT It's empty. The HEADWAITER stands in the doorway with nothing to do. 149 INT. LIVING ROOM A PARTY is in progress. The TV is on. On TV Ed is in a liquor store, buying a bottle of wine. Ed is dressed for his date. The people at the party are watching TV and commenting. It's like a Super bowl party. VOICE (O.C.) What's he doing? PARTYGOER He's buying wine! 150 INT. BEDROOM Several high-school age BOYS. They have made themselves look like Ed. They're very excited. TEEN-AGE BOY #1 You think he's gonna do it? TEEN-AGE BOY #2 Hell yeah. The guy hasn't had any sex in six weeks. TEEN-AGE BOY #3 Neither have we. 151 EXT. STREET Ed's car turns the corner and he sees a CROWD gathered around Jill's building. 152 EXT. BUILDING ED (understating) I'm starting to feel a little pressure. Ed carrying his wine enters to APPLAUSE and CHEERS. 153 EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET A LONG SHOT encompasses all the houses on the block. Their living room TV's are visible. All but one are tuned to Ed. 154 INT. JILL'S KITCHEN Something is cooking. Jill picks up a plate of something - dip and cut vegetables for instance. She starts to exit the kitchen as Ed and Carlos enter. Ed and Jill have a soft collision. JILL Oh. ED Can I help with anything? JILL No. It's going to be about a half-hour. ED What is? Oh, dinner! SELF-CONSCIOUSLY. He takes a vegetable, dips it and eats it. ED (CONT'D) Mm. JILL Good? ED Mm. They look at each other. Jill leans forward and kisses him. She puts the tray of vegetables on the counter. They continue to kiss. 155 INT. BEDROOM The high school boys are CHANTING. 156 INT. DORM ROOM BOYS Ed -- Ed -- Ed -- Ed... COLLEGE GIRLS (same ones as before). COLLEGE GIRL #1 Oh, I hope she makes love to him! COLLEGE GIRL #2 I thought you didn't like her. COLLEGE GIRL #1 I don't, but I want him to be happy- RAPID SHOTS of other VIEWERS, watching, transfixed -- 157 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT Ed and Jill are making out. They begin taking each other's clothes off. They're passing the point of no return. It's going to happen right there in the kitchen. Ed and Jill, in heavy heat, back up to the kitchen table and climb on to it. They continue to pull at their own and each, other's clothing. They're making passionate noises. 158 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Shari is not watching television. She's eating a little meal she's made for herself. She HEARS PEOPLE in her building cheering and whooping. She looks miserable. 159 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR (slightly panicky) Someone say the word, how far can we go here? 160 INT. REAL TV OFFICE Cynthia and her staff are watching. Cynthia is ON THE PHONE- CYNTHIA (into phone) Stay with them ... don't leave yet... not yet ... Jill is on top of Ed. Carried away with passion, Ed attempts to roll her over and get on top. He does, but rolls too far. He crashes off the table, to the floor, face up. ED (in pain) Ohhh... JILL Ed? ED Ohh... do you own a cat? JILL Yeah. Why? He looks at her apologetically. 161 EXT. JILL'S BUILDING Ed is being loaded into an AMBULANCE. He looks humiliated. PEOPLE in the street are applauding politely as if Ed were an injured ballplayer being carried off the field. Jill is by the ambulance. She's PETTING a CAT who looks all right. PHOTOGRAPHERS are taking her picture. She's posing willingly. The ambulance drives off as Jill continues to pose. 162 INT. TV STUDIO Written on the screen -- "Day 49" The taping of "The Tonight Show" or "the Late Show" -- once again, whichever we have a prayer of getting. The MONOLOGUE is in progress. JAY (OR DAVE) (mock annoyed) So I guess you were all watching Ed last night. The AUDIENCE goes wild. JAY (CONT'D) This got the highest rating of the year, since the Super Bowl. I guess that makes sense. After all, Ed is now the Buffalo Bills of sex. BIG LAUGHS 163 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Scharlach EATING. He's stunned. SCHARLACH What?! REVEAL CYNTHIA CYNTHIA Take him off the air. SCHARLACH What are you talking about? He's fine. He's out of the hospital already. The ratings are higher than ever. CYNTHIA I'm telling you, it's peaked. Ed TV is an over-inflated balloon. Get it off before it explodes all over us. He thinks. SCHARLACH With all due respect, Cynthia you're nuts. I'm giving him another month! CYNTHIA (coldly) Good luck. 164 EXT. STREET - DAY "DAY 54" Ed is walking. He's wearing a white, Velcro support around his waist. He's agitated. He's carrying a copy of the New York Post. ED Look at this! WE SEE a headline -- "Ed: She Broke My heart." ED She did not! (venting) You know what she did? ED (CONT'D) She went out to California and got one of those scandal agents. One of those agents who handle, like... Gennifer Flowers and... Kato Kaelin and Joey Buttafuco. That's what she -- A GUY YELLS AT ED GUY Hey Ed! ... She was a little too much for you, huh? Must run in the family. ED (angry) Oh -- like this guy's ever been with a woman. (yells) How about I kick your ass 'til the crack goes the other way? (to the camera) All of a sudden, I'm like fair game for everyone. I'm like -- He stops and looks like he's in shock. He stares in through the display window of a bookstore. ANGLE ON, a big DISPLAY of cheap, rushed-out, exploitation books. On the cover we read "My Brother Pissed On Me By Raymond L. Pekurny.11 And there's an old photo of two little boys. (Ed and Ray) ED Oh my -- He wrote a book?! Ray wrote a book?! He never read a book! 165 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT "DAY 58" It's the hallway of a cheap hotel. Ed and the camera come off the elevator. Ed looks at room numbers. He can HEAR the noise from all the rooms. A radio -- a domestic disturbance -- a baby crying -- it's a horror. He KNOCKS ON a door. HANK (O.C.) Who is it? ED It's Ed. The door opens REVEALING Ed's father. HANK Ed! Come in - They enter. 166 INT. HOTEL ROOM It's depressing. There's a liquor bottle on the dresser. Ed sees it. HANK (CONT'D) How've you been? Ed SHRUGS. HANK (CONT'D) They don't get cable here, so 1 can't watch you. Ed just GRUNTS. Hank takes LAUNDRY off a chair. HANK (CONT'D) Sit down. He does. He looks around. HANK (CONT'D) Quite a shithole, isn't it? ED It could be, if you fixed it up. How did you... ? I mean how does anyone ... wind up like this? HANK I was in jail. ED The whole time? Eighteen years? HANK No. Two times. ED What... HANK Check forging. ED Oh, man! So... HANK The last two years, I've been a limousine driver, but I don't see well anymore, so... ED So you saw me on TV and you said "Hey, let me jump on this." HANK I need help. How many times if just one little thing that I needed would've happened, it would've changed everything. If I had a few dollars when an opportunity came along or... the tumblers just never clicked for me. Ed doesn't know what to say. He's bitter towards Hank, but there's also some empathy. ED (to the camera) All right... This is my father, I don't know what the hell he can do, but if anyone out there can help him -- get him a job - I'11 ... help you. I'11 ... mention your business or ... I don't know, we'11 figure it out. (quickly, to Hank) I gotta go. HANK Ed... I'm sorry. ED (still bitter) Yeah? That's good. Sorry is good. You know I finished that model. HANK What... ED The pirate ship. Hank looks blankly at him. ED (CONT'D) -- That we were doing "together." I finished it. It came out great! Because no one was standing over my shoulder bothering me - "That's too much glue. You're using too much glue." HANK Do you still have it? ED No. Ray sat on it. I'11 see you. He exits. Out in the hallway, he leans back against the door, drained. The camera is right on him, soaking it up. 167 INT. TV STUDIO The same PBS-type panel of smart-looking people we met earlier. WE OPEN ON about half the panel. MODERATOR Let's hear from our guest panelist. You've expressed some interesting thoughts on this, subject. What do you see as the meaning, if there is any, of Ed TV, John. REVEAL JOHN, sitting comfortably on the panel, looking very wise. JOHN I feel that Ed is the apotheosis of a prevailing American syndrome. It used to be that someone became famous because they were special. Now people are considered special just for being famous. Fame, itself, is now a moral good in this country. It's its own virtue. The others NOD appreciatively as John puts a PIPE in his mouth. TV INTERVIEWS OLD GUY I was Ed's Little League coach. He had no coordination. The big game, he struck cut with the bases loaded. Then he cried like a woman. It was sickening. CUT TO: OLD WOMAN I was his third grade teacher. I said "Take him for tests. There's something wrong with him." They didn't listen. CUT TO: ANOTHER GUY He used to steal things from my store. At least I think it was him. Yeah, it was probably him. 168 EXT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY A MAN, on the sidewalk, has a STUFFED CAT stuck to his back to tease Ed. CAT MAN Hey, look, I just fell off a table! Suddenly, a TUBFUL OF WATER crashes down on him. 169 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Ed at the window, with a now empty plastic tub. ED (yelling down) Okay, is that funny? Then he throws the tub out the window. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) How was that? Was that funny?! 170 INT. NETWORK OFFICE "DAY 78" Again, everyone there, including Cynthia. A Honcho is reading a report. HONCHO #1 Of more concern than the sag in Ed's ratings is what viewers are feeling about him now. The positives are down and the negatives are up. There's a feeling that Ed isn't cool anymore. We're starting to see a big L.F. GREG Hm? HONCHO #1 L.F. Loser Factor. HONCHO #2 That's deadly. McILVAINE Not necessarily. I mean instead of running from the L.F., run with it. Create more moments like the table thing. We can package a video "Ed's Goofiest Moments." Let him be America's Goofball. CYNTHIA Isn't this getting kind of pathetic. I mean we drank the juice, now we're just licking peel. Let it go! SCHARLACH Cynthia, I think you're laboring under a misconception. You seem to believe that because you happened to predict this, we should be impressed. We're not. Anybody in any business can predict failure. 1 need people who prevent failure. I want to see this thing turned back in the right direction. Remember this was your baby. 171 INT. BAR - NIGHT "DAY 94" Tad and Barry -- as we met them, originally -- are watching TV. They're really enjoying it -- laughing, pounding the table. TAD I don't know, I still love this guy. BARRY Yeah only I wish they had the sister on more. TAD Ooh, the sister! She is hot. BARRY You know it. REVEAL that they are watching Joma. On the TV -- Joma is eating dinner in his apartment with TWO attractive WOMEN, who, apparently, both live there. Joma is upset (but he's funny when he's upset). What's upsetting him is that across the alley, in a window of another building, he can plainly see an OVERWEIGHT MAN, with his shirt off, exercising. The overweight man is apparently watching an exercise video and is bouncing up and down in place causing everything to jiggle unpleasantly. JOMA'S FRIEND Ignore him. JOMA I can't! It's like a mudslide. (screams out the window) Put on a shirt! ANGLE ON TAD AND BARRY, HYSTERICAL ANGLE ON TV JOMA (CONT'D) (yelling) I support the fact that your exercising but, for the love of God, put on a shirt. JOMA'S FRIEND (to Joma) Shut the curtains. JOMA No! Let him shut the curtains. TAD AND BARRY Laughing and wiping their eyes. 172 INT. ED'S BEDROOM Off the air. Ed ON the PHONE. INTERCUT WITH CYNTHIA ED This Joma is so phoney! I mean, those things aren't really happening. I think they have writers making that stuff up for him. Hey, couldn't we do that? Hire some writers and have them write up some crazy situations I could get into? She's listening, amazed. CYNTHIA Ed, everything goes off. "Cheers" went off. "Mash" went off -- ED (getting angry) Yeah, but when they went off people weren't making fun of them. They weren't bozos! I'm Pumpkin Ass again! CYNTHIA (getting annoyed) Ed -- ED You know, everything you asked me to do I did. I call you for advice about Shari you say - (mocking imitation) "Leave her be, see other people for a while." You just wanted me to get involved with Jill because it made for a better show. CYNTHIA Ed -- ED No. You screwed up my life just so you could get higher ratings. You never gave a shit about me. CYNTHIA Yeah? Well I'm not starting now. She HANGS UP and has an acid reflux. 173 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT Ed and John are playing. JOHN Look, you put anybody on TV sixteen hours a day, at some point they're going to wind up rolling off a table on to a cat. I mean with no privacy, there's no... dignity. Ed thinks. Pause. ED You know about that fireman who rescued that little girl? JOHN When? Today? ED No! Like, ten years ago. In Texas. Baby... (tries to remember) Jessica! JOHN Oh right, right! She fell down, like a... ED Yeah, a thing. He became a big hero. He was on TV and there was a parade and a movie about him JOHN Right, right... ED And then, uh... you know it blew over and he went back to being a fireman again. JOHN (cheerfully) Right. ED So he killed himself. JOHN (a little shaken) Oh. SILENCE. The cell phone RINGS. Ed PICKS UP the phone. ED Hello. INTERCUT WITH JEANETTE IN A HOSPITAL She's crying. JEANETTE Eddie... ED Mom? JEANETTE I'm at the hospital. ED What's the matter?! JEANETTE He's dead! Eddie, he's dead! It was his heart. ED Oh God. What hospital? JEANETTE St. Joseph's. ED I'm coming right over. I'll be right there. He hangs up. 174 INT. TAD'S HOUSE Tad is watching TV and talking an the phone. TAD I told you! I told you he was gonna die! 175 INT. HOSPITAL - AN HOUR LATER Ed rushes in. He goes up to the desk. Carlos is with him. ED Hi. I'm looking for my mother. Her name is -- A DOCTOR spots him. DR. GELLER Mr. Pekurny. ED Yes? DR. GELLER I'm Dr. Geller. Your mother is just lying down for a few minutes. we gave her something to calm her down. ED Thank you. Can I see her? DR. GELLER Just wait here. She's coming right back out. ED Mm... (wearily) Oh, man... DR. GELLER (sympathetically) ED What about him -- did he suffer any or was it quick? I'd hate to think he... DR. GELLER Very quick. Between you and me, it's not a bad way to go. Making love to your wife... it's very sweet. ED Really? They were.. DR. GELLER (nods) According to your mother. When the paramedics got to the hotel, she told them that -- ED Hotel? What were they doing in a hotel? DR. GELLER I ... don't know. I ... VOICE (O.C.) Eddie. Thank God you're here. Eddie looks across the room and sees Al in his wheelchair, just entering from outside. He wheels towards Ed. AL How's your mother? ED (shocked) Al! AL Our neighbors gave me a ride. ED Al!! AL Where is she? Is she all right? Ed turns to the doctor. ED I thought -- I thought he was dead. DR. GELLER Who? ED Al! DR. GELLER No. (reads his chart) The deceased is ... Henry Pekurny. 176 INT. TAD'S HOUSE TAD (stunned) Good twist! 177 INT. HOSPITAL AL You thought it was me? ED Yes! AL It's your father. Hank. Your mother went to see him and he had a heart attack. ED Went -- Again, Ed turns to the doctor. NURSE Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack wants to see you. DR. GELLER (to Ed) Excuse me. NURSE (to Ed) Could I get your autograph for my niece? ED (distracted) Um... yeah... Jeanette enters. JEANETTE Al! How did you -- AL The Burkharts drove me. Are you all right? JEANETTE (nervously) I'm fine. I ... AL Good. I gotta pee. He wheels off. Jeanette and Ed are left alone. ED (loud whisper) What happened? JEANETTE It was horrible. He called me up. ED Who? JEANETTE Hank! He said he wanted to talk to me to apologize for everything he begged -- he cried. So I went to this horrible hotel he was staying in... I felt so sorry for him -- ED So you had sex with him? Jeanette GASPS. JEANETTE What? ED The doctor said you were having sex. JEANETTE (horrified) To you? In front of him? (indicates Carlos) With the... ED Yes. He assumed Hank was your husband. He didn't know. JEANETTE Oh my god! On TV! ED Why? How... JEANETTE One thing led to another. He was my husband once. ED But Al is your husband now! JEANETTE Do you think it's been easy for me? It's been years. Al can't have sex. ED Apparently, neither can Hank. What the hell did you do to him? Al comes rolling back, SINGING. AL "Lovely Rita, the Meter Maid... 178 INT. TV STUDIO JEANETTE (whispers) Don't tell Al. He doesn't know. ED (points to the camera) Well, he's the only one in America who doesn't! OPRAH or RICKI or GERALDO or someone. OPRAH Women who remarry but have sex with their first husbands. on today's Oprah. 179 INT. TV STUDIO Our same panel of pundits. PANELIST #3 Ed's family is the tip of the iceberg. You watch the daytime tabloid shows it's the same thing. I'm telling you, America is fast becoming a trailer park. PANELIST #2 Let's not overstate the case. There are millions of hard- working, sensible, moral, educated people in this country. Not every family is like Ed's. REVEAL ED watching this discussion on TV. 180 INT. TV STUDIO DAVE OR JAY A CHART is set up with little pictures. DAVE/JAY So let's recap. The mother's too good at it, both brothers stink at it. (there's a drawing of a figure falling of a table) The stepfather can't do it at all and the father did it but it killed him. (there's a drawing of a tombstone) How did this family ever reproduce in the first place? 181 EXT. CEMETERY GATES - DAY Ed is driving Jeanette and Al to the funeral. A CROWD is held back by POLICE. Someone yells "Adulterer". Someone else tries to offer Ed a lunchbox. Someone else is carrying a sign "What a Way to Go". 182 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Hank's COFFIN is being carried to his gravesite. Ed, Ray and Marcia are pall bearers. One of the others pall bearers is Ed's BODYGUARD. The OTHERS TWO are two guys who work for the mortuary. Carlos is shooting. ED (to Ray) You're not going to talk to me? You're not even gonna say hello? RAY I have nothing to say to you. Ed gives up. He turns to Marcia. ED How are you doing? Is Cliff here? She doesn't answer. Ed reacts. RAY Cliff left her, thanks to you. ED Me?! RAY That's right. You put Cliff on television. So then he decided he was too good for her and he left. ED I put his -- who -- (to Marcia) Look, Marsh, he's not that good a singer, he'll be back. MARCIA (too loudly) That's not funny!! Ed CRINGES. 183 EXT. GRAVESITE - A LITTLE LATER The service ends. The small group begins to walk away. Ray and Marcia go off together, ignoring Ed. Jeanette is attempting to wheel Al away from the grave, but she's hitting ruts. Ed approaches. ED I'11 take it. JEANTTE (to Al, uncomfortably) Sweetheart, I'm gonna go ahead and sign all the papers. AL Right. She touches him but he pulls away. Ed wheels Al. ED Are things gonna be okay with you and Mom? Is there anything I can -- AL I'm moving out. ED What?! AL I'm going to be living with my brother. He's not in such good shape as I am, but... I'm looking forward to the pillow fights. ED (really upset) Oh, Al ... This is just... AL Hank was always good with the ladies. Always good-looking. Hell, he's been dead for two days, he still looks better than me. He stops wheeling and crouches down next to Al. ED I want to tell you something... I love you. You're my father. Pause. AL I love you, too. Al KISSES him. AL (CONT'D) I'11 build a pirate ship with you. Ed wheels him away. 184 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE She's watching. She's genuinely moved. She wipes her eyes. 185 INT. BAR - NIGHT This place is sleazy. Ed enters, worn out. He crosses to the bar where we find, Jeanette nursing a drink. She's not drunk, but she is wallowing. ED Hi, Ma. JEANETTE (startled) Ed! How did you know I was here? ED You're famous. Somebody called me. What are you doing in a place like this? JEANETTE Why shouldn't I be in a place like this? I'm a whore! ED (cringes) Ma... JEANETTE I'm a tramp (pulls on the sleeve of the man next to her) Meet your new father. The whole nation is laughing at us! ED And how is this helping? come on say, good-night to all your new friends and let's go home. JEANETTE (exiting) I'm a whore! (yells at an employee) Your bathrooms are filthy! They're out. 186 EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS Ed is helping Jeanette. Ray arrives. He's ANGRY. RAY I'11 take her. You humiliated our mother on national television. You've single- handedly destroyed this family. ED I -- Oh, but that book you wrote was a real love-letter. That... toilet paper with covers. BYSTANDER #1 That book sucked. I want my money back. ED Oh great. Where's Moe? He looks around. Moe is gone. RAY Come on, Ma. ED (to Ray) Let's remember how I got into this. "Please, Eddie, do this for me. I can't get a break." (pretends to cry) RAY You know what your problem is? ED Yeah. My problem is I've got a brother who writes a sentence like "We grew up in a small, little bedroom." As opposed to a big, little bedroom? RAY I got paid by the word! No! Your problem is you don't ever want anything to be your fault. ED Me?! That's you! RAY I commit. I take a chance. You wanted to be the guy on TV, but you didn't want to say you wanted to. So you have me talk you into it so you get what you want, but if it goes bad it's not your fault. BYSTANDER #2 Right. Like you say you love Shari, but, you wouldn't mind noodling that model. ED Moe! BYSTANDER #3 The truth hurts. ED Yeah? So does a kick in the nuts. RAY For once in your life, be honest with yourself. I know you, Ed. I know you look at me and Marcia and Mom and you think you're different. You're like "How did I end up in this family?" You're not different. you're worse. Because you have no guts. You drift around, you don't commit, you make fun of me -- okay. Just don't kid yourself. (to Jeanette) Let's go. JEANETTE You're both good boys. Ray and Jeanette leave. 187 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ed is there along with Cynthia and the Network Execs. There are more execs than before. Cynthia's people are not there. This entire meeting is on ED TV. Cynthia is quiet - observing. Ed looks whipped. ED Three more months? MR. SCHARLACH Absolutely! Ed TV is more popular than ever. Congratulations. McILVAINE Only, Ed, we want you, in the next few weeks to spend a lot more time with your family. ED You do? SEAVER Definitely. Cynthia, explain it to him. Cynthia just stares at her, COLDLY. SEAVER (CONT'D) I'11 do it. (to Ed) People want to see what happens to them now. Do your mother and step-father get back together? How does your sister handle being alone? Your feud with your brother. SCHARLACH In fact, we have a new concept. Since your family signed releases, we can follow them on camera even when you're not with them. We can cut around from family member to family member. Whoever's the most exciting at that moment. McILVAINE And, of course, it's another big bonus payment for you. Pause. ED A couple of years ago my Uncle Roy got bit on the ass by a dog. Silence. What the hell is he talking about? ED (CONT'D) So he gave me his tickets to the U.S. Open -- the tennis matches. They still have no idea what he's talking about. ED (CONT'D) So me and Ray, we tell our friends "Watch when Andre Agassi is gonna serve for the first time. When he's bouncing the ball and it's real quiet, we'11 yell "Whoop". And you'11 all hear us." Pause. SCHARLACH I see. (he doesn't) ED You know what that is? It's sad. I mean it was just so we could be heard. So we could stand out from the crowd for a second. So we did it. But we had nothing to say. Just "Whoop". That's it. And the stupid part I mean the really stupid part is we thought it like... elevated us above the crowd. Where the fact is it made us stupider than the crowd. SCHARLACH I see. ED Stop saying "I see." You don't see. Cynthia, I owe you an apology. CYNTHIA I don't think so. ED Yeah. Because, you didn't talk me into anything. Everything you wanted me to do, I wanted to do. 188 INT. SHARI'S PLACE Shari watching Ed TV. 189 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM ED (to the camera) Ray, you were right. It's like in school. I was always saying "the room was too hot, the teacher didn't like me" -- but it was me! Everything that's wrong with my life I did. Okay? So now this is it. My family has problems. Which are our fault. And TV is not the place to solve them. So I quit. I'm taking what very little dignity I've got left and I quit. Can someone validate my parking? Pause. SHOCK. MR. SCHARLACH Well, Ed, that's ... not really possible. ED All right, I'11 pay for the parking. Big network! Scharlach speaks carefully - gently. He's aware of the camera. He doesn't want to come off as a villain. SCHARLACH No, I mean you can't quit. Ed thinks. ED I can't? MR. SCHARLACH (very gently) Well, no. You agreed to stay on the air as long as we asked you to. The station entered into this on that understanding. If you had refused we'd have begun this with somebody else. You can't just change the rules in the middle of the game, son. It's not fair to us. More importantly, it's not fair to the viewers. They're interested in you. They've devoted hours and days and weeks of their lives to you. ED Look, if you don't let me out of this... I'11 just... I'11 just sit in my apartment all day. I won't go anywhere, I won't do anything. What kind of show will that be? MR. SCHARLACH Not too good. That's why it states in your contract that if you do not continue to live a normal life, you're in violation and are liable for the station's financial losses. Ed, I urge you to reconsider. I urge you on behalf of all those people out there whose lives have become so entwined with yours. Play fair with them, Ed. ED All right. Let them decide. He turns right to the camera. ED (CONT'D) I'd like you all to do me a favor. Turn me off. Just grab the remote and change the channel. I mean, basically, all you're watching now is a guy deteriorate. The only thing missing is the smell. You're better than that Turn me off. Thank you. 190 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE Greg bursts in, carrying a sheet of paper. GREG Ratings are up across the board. Look at this! (drones on) Men 18 to 35, women 18 to 35 ... Cynthia stares, amazed. 191 EXT. STREET Ed WALKING ZOMBIE-LIKE- CROWDS SWARM. 192 INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is with STEVE, a lawyer. Steve has a huge contract on his desk. STEVE This contract you signed? ... It's a masterpiece. Don't go to war with these guys. You fart in the wrong direction they can take everything you own and leave you naked by the side of the road. You ever going to get back with that Jill? Ooh -- she was nice. Shari, I didn't like that much ("imitates" a gabby girl) "yet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet." ED Shut up. 193 INT. DINER - NIGHT Ed is sitting alone, eating lunch. He's surrounded by cameras and shielded by BODYGUARDS. OUTSIDE the diner a CROWD of rubberneckers is out on the sidewalk, looking in at him, some of them acting up, some just staring in. Ed is tired. He glances out the window and makes a MONKEY FACE. Suddenly, he FREEZES. He sees Shari's face in the crowd. She puts her fist in her mouth. 194 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Ed and Shari are walking -- on camera. SHARI 1 bailed. I bailed on you. ED Kinda'. SHARI It's what I do. I yell "Geronimo" and jump out of a relationship. He laughs. Pause. SHARI (CONT'D) You weren't able to make me feel safe or secure -- no easy job for any man, I admit -- and my problem is, if I think I'm losing, I pull myself out of the game. I bail. See? I told you, I'm the love coroner. ED What did you do to your hair? SHARI My truck overheated, so I opened the hood and my hair got caught in the fan belt. So I had to get a haircut. ED It's nice. He touches her hair. They leap on each other. They're KISSING. 195 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Big meeting. Many Honchos, including Scharlach and Cynthia. All but Cynthia are focused. Cynthia looks bored. HONCHO #l I think this could be great. What if Ed and Shari decide to get married? A wedding? The cute, little half-Asian nephew in a tuxedo, carrying the ring on one of those big fluffy pillows - we'11 kill. A sixty share. A secretary (MILDRED) enters. She's a little flustered. MILDRED Um... Mr. Scharlach, um -- you're not watching TV? SCHARLACH No, Mildred, we're working. MILDRED Um... Ed -- and Shari are -- SEAVER Engaged? MILDRED No. Here. They're in the building. They're on their way up. Scharlach indicates that he wants someone to turn on the TV. Someone does and they see Ed and Shari coming down the hall. They enter the conference room. The cameras, of course, are with them. Ed is carrying a CARTON. ED Hi, kids. Busy? MUCH CONFUSION ED (CONT'D) I just came up to pass out these Ed TV hats. He takes a lot of HATS out of the carton and begins placing on the heads of the Honchos. ED (CONT'D) A guy made these up for me. He spelled Ed with two D's. Okay, listen. The real reason I came up here -- and then I'11 get out of your way -- is I've been thinking about what you said. About let's start having more fun with this show, you know? Let's give it a big kick in the ass. HONCHO #1 Well, we were thinking -- ED (cheerfully) Shut up. He takes back that Honcho's hat. ED (CONT'D) Let's have a contest. Now this would mostly be open to professional investigators and detectives. But anyone can join in. SHARI (rehearsed) What do we have to do? ED My lovely assistant, Shari. I'm glad you asked. The contest is who can dig up -- legally, of course -- I'm not suggesting that anyone break any laws -- the most embarrassing and humiliating facts about any of the executives here at the North American Broadcasting System which owns Real TV. The Honchos staring blankly. ED (CONT'D) But facts! They have to be verified. Anything from their past, their present, business, personal -- arrests, affairs ... And whoever comes up with the sleaziest, most degrading material -- I'11 give you ten thousand dollars. And you get to be on Ed TV. (to the Honchos, excitedly) Hah? SHARI So act now. Here's Ed's home phone number. She holds up a CARD. 196 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM It's packed with LAWYERS and EXECS. Everyone is agitated, except Cynthia, who seems relaxed-Ed and Shari are gone. SCHARLACH Legal?! How can this be legal? It's defamation! It's slander! It's... LAWYER Not, technically. He is not showing a reckless disregard for the truth. SCHARLACH You're fired! The meeting continues ANGRILY. 197 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER The Honchos are watching Ed TV. They look STRAINED, ANXIOUS. In Ed's home a BANK OF PHONES have been set up like for a telethon. Manning the phones are Ed, Shari, Ray, Marcia, Al and Jeanette. The PHONES KEEP RINGING. RAY (into phone) Uh-huh... uh-huh... Really?! She was how old? In the conference room one of the Execs looks DIZZY. The CAMERA PANS to Al on the phone. AL (shocked) He pays a prostitute to do what to him? I don't even want that on my shoes. IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM FEAR and SHOCK, except for Cynthia, who is LAUGHING and can't stop. SCHARLACH Stop laughing or you're fired. She stops. Then she gets up. SCHARLACH (CONT'D) Where are you going? CYNTHIA I've got this great idea. We put together a video. "The Network Executives Goofiest Moments." And listen, i've really loved working here. On the word "loved" she shot Scharlach THE FINGER. She exits, LAUGHING. 198 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed is off the phone, ED Okay. We have a winner. Now please don't feel badly if yours wasn't selected. In our eyes, you're all winners. RAY And each contestant gets one of these. (holds up a tee-shirt with writing on it) An "I tried to screw a network executive" tee-shirt. ED A hundred per cent cotton. Okay, here we go, Andy. Ed grabs a sealed ENVELOPE. Andy plays a DRUM ROLL -- not terribly well. ED (CONT'D) Andy's available for executions. And the winner is ... As he opens the envelope. 199 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM The Executives staring, HORRIFIED. 200 INT. ED'S APARTMENT He takes out the card and registers mock-surprise. ED Hey, the winner is from right here in New York city. Carl Bowers a former orderly at the Martin Center -- a clinic that specializes in, what they call, male enhancement procedures. 201 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM Scharlach's EYES WIDEN in HORROR. 202 INT. ED'S APARTMENT ED (to the camera) How many of you know what a penile implant is? As it was explained to me, what happens is-- 203 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM As Ed explains, Scharlach reaches for the phone, fumbling it for a moment. 204 INT. ED'S APARTMENT ED And the man of the hour -- the executive with the winning secret the man who, thanks to the miracle of space-age science and a pump he keeps in his pocket, can now -- A SHOT OF a television set tuned to Ed. Suddenly Ed is replaced by a Real TV logo. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And that concludes Real TV's coverage of Ed TV. Stay tuned for new programming information. MUSAK 205 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM 206 INT. TV STUDIO An ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER. 207 INT. TV STUDIO The PANEL. 208 EXT. CHURCH ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER A spokesperson for Real TV announced that Ed received a check covering his four months on the air, his balloon payment and an additional bonus to show the Network's appreciation for all his -- quote -- hard work and loyalty -- unquote. When asked -- CUT TO: The Panel. PANELIST #1 In five years no one will even remember this person. PANELIST #4 Five years! Six months. He's the "macarena." He's -- CUT TO: A NEWS REPORTER is reporting on a wedding. REPORTER Marcia Pekurny, the woman known to most Americans as "Ed's sister" was married here today to Carlos Coto, who some of you may remember as the primary camera operator on "Ed TV" -- CUT TO: 209 INT. TV STUDIO A news show. NEWS ANCHOR The current rage of "Reality Television" got a real dose of reality today. Lifestyle Televisions Joma was shot this evening, outside his apartment. Because Joma was on television twenty-four hours a day, Lifestyle's cameras were there to record the shooting. WE SEE Joma walking into his building. Somebody steps forward with a GUN. The ASSAILANT is jostled as he shoots and the bullet hits Joma in the ass. He falls to the sidewalk. JOKA Ohhhh!!! ... my ass! He shot me in the ass! The CAMERA PANS to the Assailant, who we might recognize as someone who we've seen following Ed from time to time. ASSAILANT Now I'm famous. REVEAL Ed and Shari watching this on television. ED I know him. I gave him an autograph. Shari turns it off. THE END
"Ed Wood", by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski ED WOOD by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski Directed by Tim Burton FIRST DRAFT November 20, 1992 FADE IN: INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT We move through a spooky shrouded parlor, as a storm rages outside. THUNDER roars, and lightning flashes in the giant windows. in the center of the room lies an oak coffin. Suddenly the lid starts to creak open. A hand crawls past the edge... and then the lid slams up! Famed psychic CRISWELL pops out. Criswell, 40, peers at us intently, his gleaming eyes framed under his striking pale blonde hair. He intones, with absolute conviction: CRISWELL Greetings, my friend. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable... that is why you are here. So now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened... (extremely serious) We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your hearts stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood, Junior?? EXT. NIGHT SKY Lightning CRACKS. We drift down past the dark clouds... through the torrential rain... and end up... OPTICAL: EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT We've landed in Hollywood, 1952. We're outside a teeny, grungy playhouse. The cracked marquee proclaims "'THE CASUAL COMPANY,' WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY EDWARD D. WOOD, JR." Pacing nervously in the rain is ED WOOD, 30, our hero. Larger-than-life charismatic, confident, Errol Flynn-style handsome, Ed is a human magnet. He's a classically flawed optimist: Sweet and well-intentioned, yet doomed by his demons within. The doors open, and Ed's pal JOHN "BUNNY" BRECKINRIDGE, 45, hurries out. Bunny is a wealthy, theatrical fop wearing a string of pearls. [PAGE 2 MISSING] Suddenly the rest of the cast runs up, frantically upset. In a flowing white dress is DOLORES FULLER, 23, a sharp, hungry- for-a-career ingenue. She's near tears. DOLORES Eddie, my dove just flew out the window! CREW MEMBER She goes on in two minutes! What are we gonna do?? They all look to Ed, awaiting a response. He thinks a second, then excitedly CLAPS his hands. ED Dolores, give me your shoes. DOLORES What? ED The ghost can be barefoot. Give me your shoes! She hands Ed her white shoes. He snatches one, grabs a pair of scissors, and starts CUTTING up the shoe. Everyone is baffled. He keeps cutting the shoe... and it slowly takes on the shape of a dove! Ed then grabs some pipe cleaners, works them into a shape, and sprints into the dressing room. He takes some green eye shadow and excitedly smears it on the pipe cleaners. Ed then hurries back out, jams the green pipe cleaners into the cut-up shoe... and it looks like a dove with an olive branch in its mouth! The cast is flabbergasted. CREW MEMBER Wow. BACK ONSTAGE The soldiers suddenly look up. ACTOR #1 Hey, I think I see something! Dolores floats down onto the stage, holding out the dove. DOLORES I offer you mortals the bird of peace, so that you may change your ways and end all this destruction. CUT TO: INT. SCRUFFY COFFEE SHOP - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his gang celebrate opening night in a dirty 24-hour diner. They're noisily slugging down drinks, in a big red booth. ED What a show! Everyone was terrific! Paul, your second-act monologue actually gave me chills, He grins at Actor #1, aka PAUL MARCO, a young eager beaver who's loyal like a dog. PAUL MARCO Aw thanks, Eddie. Actor #2, aka CONRAD BROOKS, a friendly, simple-minded lug, runs up waving a newspaper. CONRAD I got the early edition! It was just dropped off at the newsstand. ED (he smiles at everyone) This is the big moment...! Ed opens the paper to the entertainment page. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER. Ed turns to a column, "The Theatrical Life, By Victor Crowley." Under this is a photograph of an old man with an ascot. WIDE Everybody excitedly crowds around and starts reading. A moment... and then their faces drop. Clearly, this is a disastrous review. Their faces get sadder, and sadder... and then they finish. A melancholy beat, until -- BUNNY What does that old queen know? He wasn't even there! (he knocks back a drink) Sending a copy boy to do his dirty work. Well fuck him! DOLORES Do I really have a face like a horse? PAUL MARCO What does "ostentatious" mean? Ed calmly waves his arms for attention. He tries to smile. ED Hey. Hey, it's not that bad. You just can't concentrate on the negative. He's got some nice things to say... (he scans the review) See, "The soldier costumes are very realistic." That's positive! Everyone kind of stares at their drinks, depressed. Ed launches into an upbeat speech. ED Hell, I've seen a lot worse reviews. I've seen ones where they didn't even like the costumes! Like, that last "Francis the Mule" picture -- it got terrible notices. But it was a huge hit. PAUL MARCO Lines around the block. ED So don't take it too seriously. We're all doin' great work. CONRAD You really think so? ED Absolutely! It's just the beginning. I promise this: If we stick together, one day I'll make every single one of you famous. He smiles at everyone at the table. They all believe what he says, and there is a hushed moment of dream-filled hope. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES' APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores lie in bed, in the dark. He stares vulnerably at her. ED Honey, what if I'm wrong? What if I just don't have it? DOLORES Ed, it was only one review. ED Orson Welles was 26 when he made "Citizen Kane." I'm already 30! DOLORES Ed, you're still young. This is the part of your life when you're supposed to be struggling. ED I know... But sometimes I get scared this is as good as it's gonna get... Dolores kisses Ed affectionately. DOLORES Things'll change for us. Nobody stays on the fringe forever. She gets out of bed. We see her tiny apartment is drab and crumbling. Dolores turns on the shower, then walks to the closet. She looks inside. DOLORES God, where's my pink sweater? I can never find my clothes anymore... ANGLE - ED He rolls over in bed, away from her. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY CU on Ed reading "The Hollywood Reporter." A RUDE BOSS in suspenders suddenly strides up. RUDE BOSS Hey big shot, get off your ass. They need a potted palm over in the Carl Laemmle Building. ED Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz. Ed jumps up. We WIDEN, revealing he's in a giant greenhouse, packed with rows of potted plants and shrubs. Ed grabs a small palm tree and hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed strolls across the busy movie lot, lugging the palm. He passes a soundstage and notices the stage door open a crack. Ed glances around, then puts down the palm and hurries in. INT. SOUNDSTAGE ó SAME TIME A big-budget foreign legion movie is shooting, with a huge cast and crew. A giant desert set has been erected, with camels and real sand dunes. Ed is blown away. ED Whoa, look at all this sand. This is real sand! My God, where'd they get all this sand?! A SECURITY GUARD sees him. SECURITY GUARD Hey, YOU. This is a closed set. Ed is caught. He hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO ó DAY Ed continues across the lot, carrying his palm tree. An OLD CRUSTY MAN sticks his head out an office window. OLD CRUSTY MAN Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got some great new stuff to show you. Ed puts down the plant again and runs in. INT. EDITING ROOMS ó DAY The old guy is proudly showing Ed STOCK FOOTAGE on a moviola. The footage is totally random: Giant explosions, buffalos stampeding, tanks, an octopus swimming, etc. Ed is dazzled. ED This is fantastic! What are you gonna do with it all? OLD CRUSTY MAN Eh, probably file it away and never see it again. ED It's such a waste. If I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie out of this stock footage! (getting inspired) See, the story opens with these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So the military is called in to solve the mystery. OLD CRUSTY MAN Ya forgot the octopus. ED No, I'm saving that for the big underwater climax! The old guy cackles. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed finally carries the tree into the Laemmle Building. INT. STUDIO OFFICES - SAME TIME Young SECRETARIES in June Cleaver hairdos are giggling. SECRETARY #1 They say he was a girl trapped in a man's body. SECRETARY #2 I'll bet it hurt when they snipped his thing off. EEWWW! All the girls shriek in horror. Ed walks in and puts down his plant. ED What are you ladies gabbin' about? SECRETARY #1 You know that Christine Jorgensen freak? He/she/it's in "Variety." Some producer is making a biopic. ED (startled) R-really? I didn't see the story. SECRETARY #1 Ah, it was buried in the back. The guy's a real smallótime operator. She holds up her "Variety." Ed hurriedly takes it. CUT TO: INSERT - VARIETY The story headline says "BOYóTOóCHICK FLICK TO CLICK." We PULL OUT, revealing we're now in INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY Ed holds the newspaper while he paces around his apartment. The place has threadbare carpet, faded wallpaper, and an electric burner for a kitchen. A handful of mangy DOGS run around. Tacked-up are movie posters for "DRACULA," "FREAKS," and "THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS." Dolores talks on the phone, while Ed silently coaches her. DOLORES (on phone) Yes, I've got Mr. Edward Wood on the line. Could you please hold? Ed gives her a thumbs up -- perfect! He confidently takes the phone. ED (on phone) Hello, Mr. Weiss? I heard about your new project and was curious if you signed a director. Oh -- you haven't? Well, if we could get together, I could explain why I'm more qualified to direct this than anyone else in town. (beat) Uh, I'd rather not go into it over the phone... Alright. Great! l'll see you then! Ed hangs up and YELPS excitedly. He kisses Dolores. She pulls away. DOLORES Eddie, I don't understand. Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen Story? ED (nervous, he lies) Aw, er, it's just a bunch of hot air. I had to say something to get in the door. CUT TO: INT. LOW-RENT HALLWAY - DAY Ed walks jauntily along, wearing a snappy suit. He reaches a door that says "SCREEN CLASSICS ó George Weiss, President." Ed fixes his hair, checks his clothes, then enters. INT. SCREEN CLASSICS ó SAME TIME It's a crowded root, piled with paperwork and files. Film cans are stacked everywhere, and framed oneósheets for "TEST TUBE BABIES," "BLONDE PICKUP" and "GIRL GANG" litter the cracked walls. Sitting behind the messy desk is GEORGIE WEISS, 60, a rug merchant turned exploitation film producer. He juggles a large sandwich and angrily barks into the phone. GEORGIE (on phone) Look, when I said you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all eleven states! I meant California, Oregon, and uh, what's that one above it... Washington. Oh really?! Well screw you! Georgie slams down the phone. He smiles warmly at Ed. GEORGIE Can I help you? ED Yes, I'm Ed Wood. I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture. GEORGIE Yeah, well a couple of things have changed. It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn "Variety" printed the story before I had the rights, and now that bitch is asking for the sky. ED (disappointed) So you're not gonna make the movie? GEORGIE No, of COURSE I'm gonna make the movie! I've already preósold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies really go for that twisted pervert stuff. So we'll just make it without that she-male. We'll fictitionalize it. Georgie bites into his sandwich. Ed is dazed. ED Is there a script? GEORGIE Fuck no! But there's a poster. Georgie pulls out artwork of a hermaphrodite: Man on the left side, woman on the right. The lettering screams, "I CHANGED MY SEX!" GEORGIE It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa. ED (mustering up his courage) Well, Mr. Weiss, I'm your guy. I work fast, and I'm a deal: I write AND direct. And I'm good. I just did a play in Hollywood, and Victor Crowley praised its realism. GEORGIE Hmm. There's five-hundred guys in town who can tell me the same thing. You said on the phone you had some kind of "special qualifications." Ed takes a measured piuse. This is his big revelation. ED Well, Mr. Weiss, I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you... but I really want this job. (he gulps) I like to dress in women's clothing. GEORGIE Are you a fruit? ED No, no, not at all! I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them. GEORGIE So you're not a fruit? ED Nah, I'm all man. I even fought in WW2. (beat) 'Course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments under my uniform. GEORGIE You gotta be kiddin' me. ED Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties. I'll tell ya, I wasn't scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded, and having the medics discover my secret. Georgie sits back. It's a hell of a story. GEORGIE And this is why you think you're the most qualified to make my movie? ED Yeah. I know what it's like to live with a secret, and worry about what people are gonna think of you... My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out. Georgie shrugs. GEORGIE Ed, you seem like a nice kid, but look around you... (he gestures at the posters) I don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories. I make movies like "Chained Girls." I need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days that'll make me a profit. (beat) I'm sorry. That's all that matters. CUT TO: INT. BAR ó DAY Ed sits morosely in a scuzzy bar, three empty shot glasses in front of him. A BARTENDER ambles over. BARTENDER Are you gonna get something else? Ed glumly empties his pocket. All he has is change. Ed sighs, and staggers out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, his head hanging low. A restaurant door opens, and an EISENHOWER ERA NUCLEAR FAMILY exits. Whitebread Dad, Mom, Son, and Daughter stride out in their starched clean clothes. They march obliviously past Ed. He watches them go, then continues. Ed reaches a building, "HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY," and glances in the window. A pause, then he does a doubletake. THROUGH THE WINDOW The showroom is filled with sample coffins. Lying inside one is BELA LUGOSI. ANGLE - ED He is flabbergasted. INT. HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY - SAME TIME Lugosi slowly sits up inside the coffin. Bela is an aged 70- year-old man, once a great star, now a faded memory trying to hang on to his nobility. Quite frail and tired, he is still a master of the grand gesture. An UNCTUOUS SALESMAN steps up. Bela speaks, in a thick Hungarian ACCENT which gives him an Old World elegance. BELA Too constrictive. This is the most uncomfortable coffin I have ever been in. SALESMAN Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I've never had any complaints before. BELA The selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time. Mildly annoyed, Bela climbs out. He straightens his cloak and walks to the exit -- where be bumps into nervous Ed. ED Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi?? BELA (irritated) I told you, I don't want any of your goddamn coffins. ED No. I don't work here. BELA Huh? Bela peers at Ed, then glances confusedly over his shoulder at the salesman. Oh. Bela looks back at anxious Ed. BELA Who are you? What do you want? ED I don't want anything. I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies. BELA Ha! Bela strides out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - SAME TIME Bela hurries along. Ed chases after him. ED Why were you buying a coffin? BELA Because I'm planning on dying soon. ED (concerned) Really? BELA Yes. I'm embarking on another bus- andótruck tour of "Dracula." Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable. Bela pulls out a large smelly cigar and lights it. ED You know, I saw you perform "Dracula." In Poughkeepsie, in 1938. BELA Eh, that was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk! ED I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie. BELA Thank you. ED I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside. BELA I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge. A CITY BUS approaches. BELA Oh, there's my bus. (he checks his pockets) Shit, where's my transfer?! ED Don't you bave a car? BELA I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen. The bus pulls up, and the doors open. Ed is worried he's about to lose his new friend. He gets an idea... CUT TO: INT. 1948 NASH RAMBLER - DAY Ed drives anxiously. Bela sits next to him, filling the car with smoke from his big cigar. ED Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life. When is your next picture coming out? BELA I have no next picture. ED Ah, you gotta be jokin'! A great man like you... I'll bet you have dozens of 'em lined up. BELA Back in the old days, yes. But now -- no one give two fucks for Bela. Bela puffs on his oversized cigar. ED But you're a big star! BELA No more. I haven't worked in four years. This town, it chews you up, then spits you out. I'm just an ex-bogeyman. (he points) Make a right. EXT. BELA'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Ed drives past pumping oil wells and into a seedy neighborhood. They reach a tiny, well-manicured house. Ed and Bela get out. BELA (bitter) They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it's all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers -- who would believe such nonsense! ED The old ones were much spookier. They had castles, full moons... BELA They were mythic. They had a poetry to them. (he lowers his voice) And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters. ED The women? BELA The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror. ED I never thought of that. BELA Take my word for it. You want to "score" with a young lady, you take her to see "Dracula." Bela's eyes twinkle. He reaches his front door and unlocks it. INSIDE... it's awful. Squalid, dark, with skulls and strange voodoo objects scattered about. Up front hangs a large photograph of shockingly young Bela, handsome and regal. Ed is stunned by this dismal place, but doesn't say anything. Within, DOGS start BARKING crazily. BELA Ugh, what a mess. (beat) My wife of twenty years left me last month. I'm not much of a housekeeper. The dogs BARK louder. BELA Shh! I'm coming! I will feed you! ED Well... I guess I should go. Perhaps we could get together again? BELA (he shakes his hand) Certainly. But now the children of the night are calling me. Bela smiles and steps inside. The door closes. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES'S APARTMRNT - DAY Dolores is in her 1950's kitchenette, making a green jello mold. Ed bursts in, euphoric. ED Sweetie, you won't believe it! I've got the most incredible news! DOLORES (excited) You got the job?!! ED Huh?! (confused) Oh, uh, no, I didn't get the job. But something better happened! DOLORES Better than not getting a job? ED Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody really big! DOLORES Who? Robert Taylor?! ED (annoyed) No! A horror movie star! DOLORES Boris Karloff!? ED Close! The other one! DOLORES You met Basil Rathbone! ED Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA LUGOSI! DOLORES I thought he was dead. Ed's eyes pop. ED No! He's very alive. Well... sort of. He's old, and frail -- but he's still Bela Lugosi! And he's really nice. DOLORES Boy, I can't even remember the last time he was in a picture. ED It's a shame. He's such a rest actor, and nobody uses him anymore. DOLORES So did you get his autograph? Ed calms down. He smiles beatifically. ED No. It wasn't like that at all. It was just the two of us, and we were talkin'... and he treated me like -- a friend... CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY Ed is back in the plant department, arguing with his boss. RUDE BOSS He's a bum. ED No he's not! Do you realize how much money he made for this studio over the years? "Dracula"! "The Raven"! "The Black Cat"! RUDE BOSS Yeah? Well now he's a junkie. He don't deserve to work. ED That's not true -- RUDE BOSS He's so great, you hire him. ED (defensive) Well, uh, if I could I would... The guy takes a mocking face and struts out. Ed glares. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S ROUSE - NIGHT It's Halloween night. CHILDREN in trick-or-treating costumes parade up and down the streets. Through Bela's window, we see him and Ed watching TELEVISION -- a small fuzzy screen in a huge console. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME ON THE TV, one of Bela's old '30s horror films plays. Bela's evil character is hypnotizing somebody: His eyes stare the famous stare, then his hand does the famous hypnotic gesture. ON ED AND BELA They are entranced. The men drink beers in silence. Bela's TWO DOGS lie at his feet. ON THE TV The old movie suddenly stops, and VAMPIRA appears on the TV screen. Vampira, 25, is the sexy "Creature Feature" hostess, a pale ghoul slipped into a tight black dress. She leers in front of a corny fog-shrouded set. There is a pumpkin, a broomstick, and a sign reading "Happy Halloween." VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! Those eyes! He gives me the willies! The only thing scarier than him is this guy I dated last week: Charlie from Pittsburgh. Boy, talk about the living dead... ON THE MEN Ed is disgruntled. ED Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts the pictures. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect. BELA (glued to the TV) I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs. Ed LAUGHS. Bela waves his arm and starts doing his hypnotic hand gesture at the TV. BELA Vampira! You will come under my spell! You will be my slave of love. ED (fascinated by Bela's hand) Hey Bela, how do you do that? BELA You must be double-jointed, and you must be Hungarian. (back at the TV) Vampira, look at me! Stare into my eyes. Ed joins Bela in this activity. The two of them wave their arms spookily at the TV. Bela becomes fatigued. BELA I am getting tired. I need to take my medicine. ED Do you want me to get it for you? BELA No thank you, Eddie. I'll be alright. Bela smiles. He gets up, shuffles across the room, and steps behind a curtain. Ed is puzzled. Bela's thin arm appears and draws the curtain tight. We hear mysterious CLANGING, drawers opening and closing, and then silence. Ed sits, waiting. Behind the curtain, something DROPS. We hear a muffled "Shit!" Ed is getting worried. But then the curtain whips open, and Bela bounds out, grinning. He's a bundle of energy. BELA I feel better now. AT THE DOOR The doorbell RINGS. Kids SHOUT "Trick or treat!" Bela jumps up gleefully. BELA Children! I love children. Bela puts on his famous cape, then gets a pair of fangs and sticks them in his mouth. OUTSIDE Little kids in Lone Ranger and Howdy Doody costumes giggle expectantly. Suddenly the door flies open, and standing there is Count Dracula! The real Count Dracula. YEOWWWW!!! The kids SCREAM and run. Bela chuckles. Every kid is gone... except one TOUGH BOY. BELA Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood! TOUGH BOY Ehh, you're not a real vampire. You can't turn into a bat, and those teeth don't frighten me. Suddenly Ed lurches out, menacingly. ED Well how about these teeth?!! Ed RIPS HIS TEETH out of his head and thrusts them at the kid. The boy SCREAMS in terror and races away. Bela is wowed. BELA Hey, how'd you do that? Ed smiles impishly, then sticks the teeth back in his mouth. ED Dentures. I lost my pearlies in the war. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and Bela run toward us, Bela's cape flapping in the wind. Ed takes a swig from Bela's flask. They're a bit tipsy. ED Are you sure this is okay? BELA Don't worry. I do it every Halloween. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT The moonlight shines down on a rickety old cemetery. The wind blows hauntingly, and tombstones gleam in the blackness. Ed and Bela reach the locked gates. They glance at each other, then start to climb over. Ed helps Bela. They jump down, and Ed peers nervously. ED Now what? Bela looks like a child on Christmas morning. He takes another swig, then starts running giddily. He disappears into the cemetery. BELA I am DRACULA! Bela darts happily through the graves. His cape flies behind him. BELA I am the BAT!! Ed's eyes light up. He starts chasing after Bela. Bela's heart is racing. He zig-zags past ancient crypts. Gargoyles peer down. The wind howls through the skeletal trees, silhouetted against the cloudy sky. Ed runs through the shadows, trying to catch up. Bela flaps his cape up and down. We almost think he's going to fly. Ed races up, then quietly stops. He eagerly watches Bela, practically expecting him to turn into a bat. It's a magical, crazed moment. BELA I am DRACUlA! I will LIVE FOREVER!!! Bela laughs, then lies down on the grass. WIDE Ed slowly walks over and lies next to Bela. They're happy, eyes alert, on top of the world. Ed peers in wonder at his new friend. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS OFFICE - DAY Ed sits across from Georgie. Ed's very excited. GEORGIE So what's the big news you couldn't tell me over the phone... again? Ed gulps excitedly. He has a spiel all planned out. ED Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin' about what you said, about how all your movies have to make a profit. And I realized, what's the one thing, that if you put in a movie, it'll be successful?? GEORGIE (he thinks) Tits. ED No. Better than tits -- a star! Georgie shakes his head. GEORGIE Eddie, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures. I make crap. ED Yeah, but if you took that crap and put a star in it, you'd have something! GEORGIE Yeah. Crap with a star. ED (impassioned) No! It would be something better! Something impressive. The biggest moneymaker you've ever had! GEORGIE Fine, maybe you're right. But it doesn't friggin' matter. I can't afford a star, so I don't even know what we're talking about. Ed grins. ED What if I told you you could have a star for $1000?? GEORGIE (skeptical) Who? Ed opens his valise and whips out an 8x10 GLOSSY OF BELA. GEORGIE Lugosi? ED Yeah! Lugosi! GEORGIE Isn't he dead? ED (annoyed) No, he's not dead! He lives in Baldwin Hills. I met him recently, and he wants to be in our picture. GEORGIE OUR picture? ED (sheepishly) Uh, yeah. Our picture. Georgie mulls this over. He's interested. GEORGIE Why would Lugosi want to be in a sex-change flick? ED Because he's my friend. Georgie stares carefully at Ed, then finally smiles. GEORGIE Alright, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days, and we start shooting a week from Monday. ANGLE - ED He leaps up euphorically. He eagerly pumps Georgie's hand. ED Thank you! Bless you, Mr. Weiss! I promise I won't let you down! CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY CU on a ROYAL TYPEWRITER. Ed's hands whirl across the portable typewriter, frantically feeding in pages as fast as be can type. We PULL OUT. Ed sits on the bed, typing. He's a blur of activity, juggling a cigarette, coffee, and a telephone, while he writes. ED (on phone) But Bunny, you're perfect for this job! You're so good at organizing. His adrenalin is pumping. Ed pours some booze into his coffee. ED You know these people. I need all the transsexuals and transvestites you can get. (he sucks on his cigarette) No, I don't care if they're not actors. I want realism. I want this film to tell the truth! I've waited my whole life for this shot, and I'm not gonna blow it. There's a KNOCK at the door. Ed carries the phone on a long cord and answers it. Bela hurries in, smiling broadly. BELA Eddie, you got a new movie for me?! ED Yeah, it's gonna be a great picture! You'll love your character! (back into the phone) Bunny, Bela's here. Look, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites! Ed hangs up and resumes typing. Bela is puzzled. BELA Eddie, what kind of movie is this? ED Well, It's about how people have two personalities. The side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside. BELA (delighted) Oh, like Jekyll and Hyde! Ah, I've always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde! I'm looking forward to this production. Ed stops typing. He pours Bela a drink. ED Ehh, your part's a little different. You're like the God that looks down on all the characters, and oversees everything. BELA I don't understand. ED Well... you control everyone's fate. You're like the puppetmaster. BELA (getting it) Ah, so I pull the strings! ED Yeah. You pull the strings -- (he suddenly gets a look) "Pull the strings"... hey, that's pretty good! Ed quickly starts typing again. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed and Dolores sit at a card table, finishing up dinner. The dogs eat scraps below them. ED Wipe off your hands. I've got a little surprise for you... (he smiles nervously) I finished my script. Ed anxiously pulls out a pile of pages. Dolores looks in awe at the cover: "'GLEN OR GLENDA' By Edward D. Wood, Jr"" DOLORES Ed, I'm so proud! I'll read it as soon as I get home. ED (apprehensive) Well, I'd really like to know what you think. Why don't you go in the bedroom and take a look at it? I'll Wait... There's an uneasy moment between them. She senses something funny. Dolores takes the script and goes into the bedroom. The door closes. Ed starts pacing... DISSOLVE TO: INT. BEDROOM - LATER Dolores reads the script. She finishes the last page, then looks up. She is very shaken. Dolores stands. She grabs the door and opens it. THROUGH THE DOORWAY Ed stands somberly in drag. He's in a pantsuit, heels, and pink angora sweater. Dolores is totally rattled. She struggles for a response. DOLORES So that's where my sweater's been. Ed silently nods. DOLORES How long have you been doing this? ED Since I was a kid. My mom wanted a girl, so she used to dress me in girlie clothing. It just kinda became a habit. DOLORES Jesus Christ! And you never told me? ED This is my way of telling you -- DOLORES (furious) What, by putting it in a fuckin' script, for everyone to see?! What kind of sick mind would operate like that? Ed is terribly hurt. Dolores shakes tht script. DOLORES And what about this so-called "Barbara" character? It's obviously ME! I'm so embarrassed! This is our life! ED (quiet) Of course it is. And that's why you should play the part. DOLORES Oh! You got nerve, buddy. He calmly points at the script. ED It's a damn good role. DOLORES That's not the issue!! (she suddenly stops) Ugh! How can you act so casual, when you're dressed like that?! ED It takes me comfortable. DOLORES Oh, just like in the script! Ed smiles serenely. ED Exactly. (he takes her hand) So what do ya say? Do you wanna break up... or do you wanna do the movie with me? Dolores sighs. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS - DAY The hallway is filled with eager TRANSVESTITES. It's a very festive atmosphere, and Bunny tries to create some order. Inside the busy office, Paul types, and Conrad cranks a mimeograph machine. CONRAD It's good to have a job. Now I can get my phone reconnected. In a corner, Georgie angrily waves the script at Ed. GEORGIE I thought this was gonna be a sex- change film! ED (defensive) There's still a sex-change -- GEORGIE Yeah! Five pages right before it ends! The rest of the show is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters. ED I don't think he's a schmuck. GEORGIE And what's with this new title?! My poster says "I CHANGED MY SEX"! ED So change the poster. Trust me, you'll be better off. This is a story that's gonna grab people. (he goes into a pitch) It's about this guy. He's crazy about this girl but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn. George, this is DRAMA. Georgie throws up his hands GEORGIE Fine, shoot whatever baloney you want! I give up. Just make sure it's seven reels long. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING We are on location for Ed's first film! A SMALL CREW of a dozen unpacks the camera and reflectors from their cars. Ed's voice rises above the hubbub. ED (O.S.) Excuse me, could I have everyone's attention?! Could you gather around? I've got something to say. The crew members put down their things and gather in a circle. In the middle, we reveal Ed, in complete drag. Dress, nylons, pumps, lovely blonde wig... he's quite a sight. Like an eager Scoutmaster, he addresses his troops. ED Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey. Four days of hard work... but when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten, and maybe even move millions of people. A COUPLE GRIPS glance at each other. ED Now the only way we're gonna achieve all this is if we stay on schedule. Day one -- TODAY -- we'll start easy. We have eighteen silent scenes that can be shot quickly: Cars parking, Patrick's suicide, me strolling as a man, me strolling as a woman, etc. (beat) After lunch, we'll bring in the Inspector and the Doctor. The Doctor is very important to the plot, so we might have to spend time on retakes. But it's worth it. Scene totals for the first day is thirty-four. (he catches a breath) Day Two, we'll be a little busier -- Veteran CAMERAMAN BILL, an old guy with thick glasses, speaks. CAMERAMAN BILL Excuse me Eddie, I don't mean to interrupt... but I'm gettin' a little worried about those clouds. He points up. Everybody looks at the sky. The clouds are gray. Ed nods in agreement. ED Good thinkin'. We'll talk about Days Three and Four later. Now let's get that first shot off! It's Scene 17, Glenda looking in the window. THE CREW disperses. Ed quickly runs in his heels over to the burly make-up man, HARRY. ED Okay, do I need any touch-up? MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm telling ya, eyelashes are the way to go. ED (irritated) Harry, we've discussed this a million times. I don't want to look like a girl. I want to look like myself. MAKE-UP MAN MARRY (disgruntled) Fine. Then you look beautiful. Harry humorlessly powders Ed's nose. Ed turns away and suddenly SHOUTS into a giant megaphone. ED PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA! CAMERAMAN BILL (nonchalant) Rolling. WIDE Ed chucks the megaphone and runs crazily past the camera and behind a building. ED'S VOICE And -- ACTION! A pause, and then Ed, in character as Glenda, calm and dignified, steps out and walks down the sidewalk. Ed stops at a store window. He's totally in shadow. A grip grimaces. He TURNS ON a light Ed lights up. He looks in the window, admires a dress on display, then silently walks out of frame. A beat. Ed SCREAMS. ED And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET'S MOVE ON! CAMERAMAN BILL Don't you want a second take, for protection? ED (exhilarated) What's to protect? It was perfect! Suddenly a police car turns the corner. CREW MEMBER Cops! ED We don't have a permit. RUN! Everyone grabs equipment and takes off. WIPE TO: INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS - DAY The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela's set: A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is perched high in his director's chair, back in men's clothes. ED The set doesn't look right! It looks too... empty. Clutter it up. Put a skeleton in the corner. And what's that thing over there? PAUL MARCO I don't know. ED Well it looks good. Let's use it! Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script. GEORGIE Ed! What's with these revised pages?! A scene in a smelting factory? A buffalo stampede?? Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio Beach??! What's going on here? I can't afford to film this nonsense! ED Don't worry. We're not gonna film any of it. GEORGIE Then how's it gonna get in the picture?! ED I know a guy in Universal's stock house -- he's giving me the footage for free. This movie's gonna look like a million bucks. Georgie nods. Oh, okay. O.S. VOICE Mr. Lugosi has arrived! Ed jumps excitedly. ED Oh my God! (he YELLS) Mr. Lugosi is here! Now everyone, when he walks on the stage (nobody is listening; so Ed uses his MEGAPHONE) Now everyone, when he walks on the stage, treat him normal. I know Bela Lugosi is a world-famous star, and you're all a little excited, but we're professionals. So if you treat him with respect, everything will be alright. AT THE STAGE DOOR The door swings open, and Bela strides in, looking dapper. He glances at the teensy stage, and his face falls imperceptibly. Ed runs up, bounding with enthusiasm. ED Bela! It's so great to see you! (he glances at his watch) And eight o'clock on the dot. Right on time! BELA I am always on time. ED Of course! Well, we got a big day planned for you... First, we're gonna start off a little easy, with you in that armchair over there. Then, once you're up to speed and cooking, we'll reset and bring out the laboratory equipment -- BELA (he leans in and WHISPERS) Uh, Eddie, do you have my money? ED Huh?! Oh yeah, of course. Ed and Bela step over to a corner. ACROSS THE ROOM From a distance, Ed pulls a wad of money from his pocket and peels off a few bills for Bela. The crew watches, fascinated. WIPE TO: LATER Bela is seated in the ratty armchair on the set. Harry does his make-up. Harry glances at Bela's arm, and it is full of TRACK MARKS. Harry grimaces, but doesn't say anything. Conrad eagerly scurries up. CONRAD Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy, but could I have your autograph? BELA (cordial) Of course. Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it. CONRAD You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray." You were great as Karloff's sidekick. Bela's face suddenly hardens. He snaps. BELA "Sidekick"?? "KARLOFF"?!! Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph. BELA Fuck you!! Karloff doesn't deserve to smell my shit! That limey cocksucker can rot in hell, for all I care!!! WIDE Ed panickedly runs up. ED What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what did you do? CONRAD (upset, close to crying) Nothin'! I told him he was great. BELA How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?!! You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?! NO! It's just make-up and grunting! GRRR! GRRR! GRRR! Ed is frozen in fear. He glances across the stage. Georgie is flabbergasted. He points urgently at his watch. Ed nods. He motions to Conrad: Get out of here. Conrad runs away. Ed leans in to Bela. ED You're right, Bela. Now Dracula, that's a part that takes acting. BELA Of course! Dracula requires presence. It's all in the voice, and the eyes, and the hand -- Bela waves his outstretched arm. Ed tries to calm him. ED Look, you seem a little agitated. Do you maybe wanna take a little break, go for a nice walk... and then we'll come back and shoot the scene? BELA BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the camera!! The crew is baffled. Ed shrugs at them. ED Um, okay... roll camera CAMERAMAN BILL (unsure) Rolling. ED Sound! SOUNDMAN Speed. CAMERA ASSISTANT Mark. Scene Thirty-One. The Assistant CLAPS the slate in front of Bela, then runs. ED And... action? It's dead quiet. Nobody knows what's about to happen. WE MOVE IN TO BELA. And... he suddenly assumes character. Like the consumate pro he is. Bela gets a wicked, sinister leer, then starts intoning threateningly: BELA (as the SPIRIT) "Beware. Beware! Beware, of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys! Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails! Beware. Take care. Beware!" CLOSEUP - ED He is blown away. He quietly mumbles in amazement. ED Brilliant. WIPE TO: INT. STAGE - NEXT DAY Dolores studies her script, as the crew lights a flimsy kitchen set. Ed strolls past, nonchalantly removing a ladies' wig and earrings. She stares in disbelief. DOLORES How can you just walk around like that, in front of all these people? ED Hon', nobody's bothered but you. (he gestures) Look around -- they couldn't care less. DOLORES Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with WEIRDOS! ED Say it a little louder. I don't think Bela heard you in his trailer. Dolores quiets down. She feels bad. ED Dolores. I need your help... WIPE TO: FILMING IN PROGRESS - LATER A scene is being shot, on camera. Ed (as Glen) and Dolores (as Barbara) stare into each other's eyes. He's dressed normal, and she wears a fuzzy angora sweater. ED (as GLEN) "My mind's in a muddle. I thought I could stop wearing these things. I tried, honestly I tried..." DOLORES (as BARBARA) (tentative) "Glen, I don't fully understand this. But maybe together -- we can work it out." She stands up, dramatically takes off her angora sweater, and gives it to Ed. He holds it meaningfully, then smiles proudly. ED Music swells... and CUT and PRINT IT! Ed and Dolores hug. CUT TO: INT. EDITING ROOM - DAY On a MOVIOLA, we see the black-and-white image of Dolores taking off her angora and giving it to Ed. WE PULL OUT. Ed and Georgie are hunched over, watching the movie. Ed smiles proudly. ED And we fade out. "The End." (the film runs out) What do you think? Georgie peers at his watch. He shakes his bead. GEORGIE I think it's fifty-seven minutes long. ED Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it? GEORGIE (like a lecturing teacher) Ed, what was the one thing I asked you to do? Make it seven reels long. I've got contracts with my exhibitors. If it ain't over an hour, they won't play it. ED Gee, I used every frame of film we shot. Maybe they won't notice. GEORGIE They'll notice. (beat) Look, why don't you let me take over from here? I can do a few tricks: Pad it out with more stock footage, add establishing shots... ED Um, I guess -- GEORGIE Good. And one more thing. I think your "Written, Directed, and Starring Ed Wood" credit is a bad idea. ED Why?! I did all those things! Hell, I even built the props. GEORGIE And you did a bang-up job, too. But you don't want other producers to know that's you in drag. Trust me. It's a career killer. Ed is quite upset. ED But I'm proud. I wrote, directed, and starred in it just like Orson Welles in "Citizen Kane"! GEORGIE Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he??! Ed is beaten. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT It's the cast and crew screening! The eager two-dozen people are packed into a tiny screening room. The lights dim, and the movie starts. A LIBRARY MUSIC fanfare, and then: "Bela Lugosi in GLEN OR GLENDA" Everyone APPLAUDS excitedly. Bela smiles. Credits continue: "Featuring Daniel Davis and Dolores Fuller" The audience is audibly baffled. Bunny BLURTS out. BUNNY Daniel Who?! Dolores leans in to Ed. DOLORES Ed, who is Daniel Davis? ED (sour) Some weirdo who likes to wear dresses. DISSOLVE TO: LATER IN THE MOVIE ON-SCREEN, Dolores looks tenderly at Ed. DOLORES (on screen) "Glen. Is it another woman?" Ed as Glen nervously ponders his response. But suddenly -- MUSIC THUNDERS in. The movie cuts to buffalo stampeding. Bela's angry face is superimposed over this. BELA (on screen) "Pull the string! Pull the string!" IN THE AUDIENCE People are impressed by this technique. Bela nods in approval. ON-SCREEN Out of nowhere, CHEAP JAZZ MUSIC starts, and the movie abruptly cuts to SLEAZY STAG PARTY-STYLE FOOTAGE! A bare-chested man whips a bound woman! A woman dominates another tied to a large stick! A brunette violently rips off her dress and does a hoochie-coochie dance! IN THE AUDIENCE The crowd is stunned. CAMERAMAN BILL I didn't shoot that! Ed looks back at Georgie, who's wearing a big satisfied grin. ED Georgie, what's with the stag footage?? You said you were cutting in establishing shots! GEORGIE I did. I established some tits and ass. Ed rolls his eyes. He turns back to the movie. INT. PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT Everybody is CELEBRATING, with a raucous party. People are boozing it up. BIG BAND MUSIC plays. Ed dances with Dolores. Paul smokes a joint. Conrad falls over a table and breaks a lamp. Bela dances happily with a cute young REDHEAD. BELA Wasn't I something..? Did you see how I command the screen?! Ed's giddy buddies stumble over with foaming glasses of beer. BUNNY Ed, it was superb. CONRAD A great show! A little strange... but great -- especially my scenes. ED Just like I always promised. Now you're among the immortals. You're movie stars. PAUL MARCO (he raises his glass) Here's to Ed. For making us into something. It's a warm moment. They all CLINK their glasses. Dolores kisses Ed. CUT TO: EXT. BUNGALOW HOUSE - DAY We're outside a cute little Spanish bungalow house. Ed and Dolores are moving in. They lug furniture from a rented truck. ED From today on, our lives are different! We'll be swimming laps in the same pool Jean Harlow did. DOLORES I don't know. It's so much money... ED Who cares?! We're on a ROLL! These are the moments in life you're supposed to grab. DOLORES But Ed, we're not even married. And you don't have a job. ED But you do! And anyway, I've got tons of new scripts. And now that I have a track record, studios are bound to hire me! She just stares. Ed shrugs, semi-reassuringly. ED Look on the bright side. If we miss the rent, what's the worst they can do? DOLORES Toss us out on our ass. ED Exactly. INT. BUNGALOW - DAY The house is moved in. Ed's unkempt dogs run about. Pumped-up Ed sits on the bed typing fiendishly fast while wearing an angora sweater. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and a bottle of booze lays in his lap. Bela sits quietly nearby. ED How 'bout a western? People love westerns. BELA But, I don't like horses. Do I have to get on one? ED Eh, forget it. What else is big? (his face lights up) Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah... You got the juvenile delinquent, his girlfriend from the wrong side of the tracks -- BELA Who do I play? ED Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father. He's angry! He doesn't like seeing his son -- no -- he doesn't like seeing his daughter behave this way! BELA (cautious, not to offend) Well... can't I play the romantic part? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. You know, back in Hungary, I played Romeo! I would like to be the lover again -- me, in a boat, with the girl... Ed considers this. ED Sure. Romance, that's great! To engineer your comeback, we're gonna need a whole slate of pictures. Once "Glen Or Glenda" takes off, we'll slam you into one, then another, then another! BELA (he smiles) That's good. I could use the money. ED But we need to start off with a bang! Something we know the audience will want to see. Mmm. What was your biggest hit? BELA (he thinks) Hmm... my biggest hit? That would probably be "Dracula." ED Of course! Ed crabs a pen and excitedly scrawls out the word "DRACULA." Bela frowns. BELA Those bastards at Universal. I made so much money for them, and now I can't get the time of day. ED So let's make another "Dracula." Let's make "The Return of Dracula"! BELA We can't. Those sons-a-bitches control the rights. ED They do? Shoot. There must be a way to get around that... Ed's mind is working. He holds out the paper and stares at it. Suddenly, he grins. He grabs the pen and makes a period after the "DR." It now says "DR.ACULA" ED Ha-ha! Dr. Acula! BELA Dracula? ED No! Doctor Acula! You can still wear the cape, have the fangs... but you're a doctor! Not a count. BELA Ah! This is very exciting. ED (inspired) I gotta type this up, while it's still fresh! Ed rips the paper from his typewriter, puts in a blank page, and starts typing. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - DAY We're outside the imposing gates of MGM. The lion logo is overhead. Ed drives up in his dirty Nash Rambler convertible. He wears his nicest suit. Ed peers nervously at the GUARD. ED Excuse me, I'm here to see Mr. Feldman. The Guard stares suspiciously at Ed. His filthy car is leaking oil. GUARD What's your name? ED Edward D. Wood, Junior. The man frowns. He looks through his files -- then finds a parking slip with Ed's name. He is surprised. GUARD Oh. Eh, he's in the Executive Building. You can park in the reserved section. Ed smiles. INT. EXECUTIVE WAITING ROOM - DAY The room is very posh, with fancy paneling and marble floors. Ed sits nervously under posters for "GRAND HOTEL" and "QUO VADIS." Film cans labled "Glen Or Glenda" rest in his lap. SECRETARY Sir, Mr. Feldman will see you now. She hits an electric button. A large oak door swings open. INT. OFFICE Behind a giant desk is MR. FELDMAN, a glib, thin over- caffeinated man. He jumps up, smiling. MR. FELDMAN Mr. Ward, it's a delight to meet you. ED (shaking his hand) It's Wood. Ed Wood. MR. FELDMAN Wood? Ward? Wood. (puzzled, he glances at his appointment book) Hey, what do you know. It is Wood. Dang secretaries, you can never get a good one. Right? Ed shrugs. Feldman grins. MR. FELDMAN So what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have resumes to show. I've got my own movie. MR. FELDMAN Really?! Well good for you. ED I just made this picture, over at Screen Classics. It opens next week. MR. FELDMAN Screen Classics? Hmm, don't know them. ED Nobody in town has seen it, so I'm givin' you first crack at my talents. MR. FELDMAN I can't wait to take a look. (he claps his hands) So what's up next? Ed leans in. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, I don't believe in thinking small. So I've got a whole slate of pictures for you: "The Vampire's Tomb," "The Ghoul Goes West"... and "Doctor Acula"! MR. FELDMAN Doctor Acula? I don't get it. ED Dr. Acula! Ed writes it out, "DR. ACULA," then waves it in Feldman's face. Feldman nods. MR. FELDMAN Oh, "Dr. Acula." I get it. (beat) I don't like it. ED But Bela Lugosi's in it! MR. FELDMAN Lugosi's washed-up. What else you got? Ed grimaces. Lugosi was 90% of his pitch. He vamps. ED Well... I've got another project I wasn't gonna tell you about. Lugosi's in it, but he's got a smaller part. The lead is an ingenue, a sterling young actress named Dolores Fuller. The title is "Bride Of The Atom." MR. FELDMAN Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like it. (he smiles) I'll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don't you leave those film cans, and my associates and I will take a look at your little opus. Maybe we can do business together. Ed is elated. INT. STUDIO SCREENING ROOM - DAY Feldman and his fellow SMARMY EXECUTIVES sit in a plush screening room. They are viewing "Glen Or Glenda." ON-SCREEN, Ed is in drag. A SOLEMN NARRATOR within the movie speaks: SOLEMN NARRATOR (V.O.) "Give this man satin undies, a dress, and a sweater... and he's the happiest man in the world. He can work better, think better, even play better -- and be more of a credit to his community and his government." ANGLE ON THE EXECUTIVES They are stupefied. Yikes! EXECUTIVE #1 What the hell is this?! EXECUTIVE #2 Is this an actual movie?! EXECUTIVE #1 It can't be. EXECUTIVE #2 It's fuckin' ridiculous! Feldman squints at the screen. FELDMAN Wait a minute. That guy in the dress -- he's the one I met with today! This must be a big PUT-ON! (he CHUCKLES) It's probably another one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes! Everybody suddenly starts HOWLING with laughter. CUT TO: EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY Ed zooms up and chipperly jumps from his car. He buys a "Los Angeles Herald-Express," eagerly opens it to the entertainment pages... and then gets a confused look. Ed quickly starts rifling through the pages -- something is wrong. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed angrily shouts into the phone. ED Georgie, what happened?! I thought "Glen Or Glenda" was opening next week! Where's the ads? An OLD-FASHIONED SPLIT SCREEN of Georgie on the phone appears. GEORGIE (pissed-off) "Where's the ads"?! The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You schmuck, it ain't gonna play L.A.! ED Why not?? GEORGIE Because I can't sell it to save my life! You made a goddamn feathered fish. Is it an art film, a horror show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows! I'm beggin' people to book it. ED (insulted) Maybe it needs special handling. GEORGIE Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more money into different titles: "Transvestite" "He Or She?" "I Led Two Lives"... It DOESN'T MATTER! Nobody wants to see the piece of shit. ED You can't talk that way about my movie. GEORGIE "Your movie"?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever made into this stinkbomb. If I ever see you again, I'll kill you!!! Georgie SLAMS down the phone. His split screen WIPES off, leaving Ed standing alone. Ed stares at the phone, then quietly hangs it up. CUT TO: INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM - NIGHT WHAM! A WRESTLER throws another WRESTLER at the mat. The crowd CHEERS raucously. We're at the Saturday Night Wrestling Matches! In the stands are Ed, Dolores, Bunny, and Bunny's new YOUNG MALE "FRIEND." Seated around them are hollering truckers and ex-Marines. Bunny giggles and nudges gloomy Ed. BUNNY So guess where I'm going next weekend? ED I don't know. Where? BUNNY Mexico! And guess what I'm going to do there?! ED (not enjoying this game) I dunno. Lie on the beach? BUNNY WRONG! I'm getting my first series of hormone shots! And once those babies kick in, they're gonna remove my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN! Ed is astonished. ED Jesus! Are you serious? BUNNY Yes! I've dreamed of it for years, but your movie made me realize I've got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS! The truckers nearby stare. Dolores covers her face. DOLORES Ssh! Will you keep it down? The crowd suddenly ROARS and jumps up. A favorite wrestler has entered the ring, massive TOR JOHNSON, 50. Tor is an incredible sight: A bald, lumbering behemoth. RING ANNOUNCER (amplified) Now entering the ring, in the gold trunks, 350 bone-crunching pounds of pure strength, the "Swedish Angel"... Tor Johnson!!! The crowd goes apeshit. The stands are going to collapse from the SHOUTING. Ed's eyes are the size of saucers. ED My God, look at that guy. He's a mountain! The bell RINGS. Tor quickly grabs his OPPONENT, a man in a blue mask, and throws him at the ground. Then Tor jumps onto his stomach, easily picks him up, and heaves him at the ropes. People CHEER. Ed is flabbergasted. ED I've never seen anything like him! BUNNY And once I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and I are getting married -- ED (eyes glued to the ring) Ssh! He's so big! He's a monster! Can you imagine what that guy would be like in a movie? ON TOR He screams maniacally in Swedish. Tor lifts the Opponent over his head and tosses him into the stands. Three rows of chairs get knocked over. CUT TO: EXT. WRESTLER'S BAR - NIGHT A tiny miniature European car pulls up. Tor Johnson is squeezed inside -- ludicrously oversized for this vehicle. Tor carefully wedges himself out and enters the bar. INT. WRESTLER'S BAR - SAME TIME This rowdy bar is packed with burly WRESTLERS. Tor walks in, and men cheerily yell out: "Hey, Tor!" "Hi, Tor!" Tor grins. In person, he actually seems a jolly, outgoing fellow. Ed waves from the corner ED Mr. Johnson, over here! Tor smiles and lumbers over ED Glad you could fit me in your schedule. TOR (in a hoarse SWEDISH ACCENT) Da pleasure be mine. They shake hands. Ed's hands look like a baby's in Tor's giant mitts. Tor tries to sit in the booth. But he can't fit. TOR Could we moovf to table? ED Oh, of course! Ed jumps up. They move to a large table. Now Tor is happy. He starts shoveling beer nuts into his mouth. ED So, Mr. Johnson -- TOR Tor! ED Tor. Have you ever thought about becoming an actor? TOR (he CHUCKLES) Mm, not good-lookink enough. ED I think you're quite handsome. TOR No. With hair, yah. But I must shave head for wrestlink. It scare da crowds. Dey like that. Ed smiles. ED Well, I think you'd be a sensation in pictures. TOR But what bout accent? Some people tink I haf too much accent. ED Nah, that doesn't matter! It's a visual medium. A WAITRESS saunters over. WAITRESS Tor, what can I get ya? TOR I'll haf eight beers. WAITRESS (nonchalant, to Ed) And you? ED Uhh, I'll have just one. She walks off. Tor shakes the now-empty nut bowl. TOR And more nuts! Ed tries to grab Tor's attention. ED So anyway, I've got this new script, "Bride Of The Atom," and there's a part you're ideal for: "Lobo." He's tough. A brute. But he has a heart -- and at the end he saves the girl. TOR (he laughs merrily) I like. When do movie shoot? ED Hopefully, very soon. I'm just awaiting the final okay from Mr. Feldman at MGM. CUT TO: INT. ED'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores are asleep. Suddenly the phone RINGS. Ed fumbles for it and groggily answers. ED Wood Productions... We hear Bela's weak VOICE. BELA (on phone) Eddie... help me... ED Bela? BELA (on phone) Eddie... please come over -- CLICK. The phone hangs up. Ed is very alarmed. EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT The wind is blowing. Ed's Nash roars up, and he jumps out, a coat over his pajamas. He runs up and POUNDS on Bela's door. ED Bela?! Ed tries the door. It's unlocked. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps into the dark room, and is stunned by what he sees: Bela is slumped on the floor, pasty white, eyes glazed. A rubber tube is tied on his arm, and a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE lies next to him. The dogs crouch behind him, whimpering, despondent, Bela looks up through half-opened eyes. BELA Eddie... my friend. Aghast, Ed runs over. ED Bela, what happened?! BELA I didn't feel well... ED Let me take you to the hospital. BELA No hospital. Just take me to the couch... Ed nods. He picks up the old man and carries him across the room to the couch. The large portrait of Bela, young and robust, peers down. ED Should I call a doctor? BELA Nah. This happens all the time... Ed puts a pillow under Bela's head. ED Is there anything I can get you? Water? A blanket? BELA Goulash. ED (distressed) I don't know how to make goulash. Ed sits next to him. An awkward pause. ED What's in the needle? BELA Morphine, with a demerol chaser. (he starts crying) Eddie, I'm so broke. I don't know what I'm gonna do... ED Don't worry. I'll do something. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - MORNING Ed stands outside MGM, talking into a phone at the guard gate. ED (on phone) Mr. Feldman! I haven't been able to get through, so I just showed up. Yeah, out front! So, are we gonna be working together? (his face slowly falls) Really? Worst film you ever saw...? (beat) Well, my next one will be better. (beat) Hello? INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Dolores tries to cheer up gloomy Ed. He's wearing angora. ED I'm no good. DOLORES Ed, it's just one man's opinion! ED Bela needs a job... I can't even get a film going... (listless) But of course I can't -- I made the worst movie of all time. DOLORES That's ridiculous. Ed sighs. ED All I wanna do is tell stories. The things I find interesting... DOLORES Well maybe you're not studio kind of material. Maybe you just need to raise the money yourself. Ed looks up. INT. BANK - DAY Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER. ED The movie is called "Bride Of The Atom"... INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - DAY Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats. ED ...It will star Bela Lugosi. Each of you would put up $20,000... EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone. ED Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi. He's still alive. (beat) Huh? Is he available Friday night? Gee, I suppose so... Why? cut TO: INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT We're backstage at a '5Os variety show. It's exciting live TV: Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of hyped-up tumult. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They both read off SCRIPTS. BELA "Greetings. I am the Count." ED "Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure." Audience laughs. Applause. "Say, that's a funny place to sleep." BELA "It is my home." ED "Oh, tract housing, huh?" Laugh. "You need a new real estate agent." BELA "Beg to differ. This casket incarpratates, er, inporporates --" Ed interrupts. ED No Bela, that's "incorporates." Look, just say "This casket has..." BELA (upset) Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue? This live television is madness! An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in. ASSISTANT Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi. INT. BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and a turban and is acting mysterious. HOST And then what's gonna happen? CRISWELL In 1960, the automobile will have retractable wings, so it can fly. HOST Sounds like a heck of a way to beat traffic. Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically. CRISWELL By 1970, Man will have colonized Mars. Millions of people will live there. Ed is mesmerized. ED Wow! Ain't that something. INT. STUDIO - LATER We're out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET: Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He's playing his "Slick" character, a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There's more APPLAUSE. BELA Greetings. I am the Count. HOST Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure. The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE. HOST Say, that's a funny place to sleep. BELA It is my home. HOST Oh, tract housing, huh? (he starts AD-LIBBING) I guess I shouldn't complain about my duplex in Burbank. What a dump. Some places have a Murphy bed, this place has a Murphy shower. I still don't know where to hang the towels! The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He seems incredibly confused. BELA Uh, beg to differ. HOST "Beg to differ?!" Hey, I'm talkin' about my duplex in Burbank! BELA (terrified, groping) Uh, Greetings. I am the Count... BACKSTAGE Ed covers his face in embarrassment. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER The Host angrily storms past. HOST I told you we should've gotten Karloff. He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out. ED Bela, don't worry. You're better than all this crap. BELA (distraught) I never said I could ad-lib... ED Forget about it. We'll make our new movie, and you'll be a star again. They shuffle away... until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela. CRISWELL Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled privilege to meet you. Allow me to introduce myself... I am CRISWELL! BELA (morose) It's a pleasure... CRISWELL Ah, cheer up! Don't lose heart over what happened tonight. (he points at his temple) I predict that your next project will be an outstanding success! ED Wow. CRISWELL And who may you be? ED Edward Wood, Sir. CRISWELL Ah. The director of "Glen Or Glenda." ED (startled) H-how'd you know?! CRISWELL I'm Criswell. I know all. Criswell winks. CUT TO: INT. MOCAMBO ROOM - NIGHT Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping '5Os nightclub. Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed, Bela, and Criswell's group. Everyone's plastered and laughing. Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER. CRISWELL Bring me two more Beefeater martinis. Eddie will have another whiskey, Dagmar's a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha and King are chablis -- hey Bela, would you like a wine? BELA No. I never drink -- wine. The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to Criswell. ED Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970? How'd you know it wouldn't be 1975, or even 1980? CRISWELL I guessed. ED I don't understand. CRISWELL I made it up. It's horseshit! Ed's jaw drops. CRISWELL There's no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a turban and a black tuxedo. ED It's that easy? CRISWELL Eddie, we're in show biz! It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you dress nice and talk well, people will swallow anything. Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom. CUT TO: EXT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE step out and approach the DOORMAN. CONSERVATIVE MAN Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. DOORMAN Ah, that would be in the Venetian Room, sir. The couple raise their eyebrows. They're impressed. INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT A large banner says "BRIDE OF THE ATOM - NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY. All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns, strutting about with flutes of champagne like they're extras in "The Great Gatsby." Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them. ED We're gonna have the most terrifying monster ever seen on film! A ghastly creature created from an atomic mutation! BACKER'S WIFE I don't like scary movies. I go more for ones with love stories. ED (without dropping a beat) Well that's what this movie is... a heartbreaking romance! It's about a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in love with a young cop, Dick Craig. ACROSS THE ROOM Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over. ED What do you think you're doin'?! CONRAD These shoes are itchy. ED You can't sit! You gotta walk around, with good posture. You want these people to think we have class. Otherwise they'll never invest in our movie. ACROSS THE PARTY Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor's giant arm. AMAZED BACKER Bernie, get a load of this guy! TOR (proud of his size) Biceps 22! Chest 62! Stomach 54! AMAZED BACKER Whew! You're quite a specimen. (beat) And you're gonna be in the picture? TOR Yes. I play Lobo! ACROSS THE ROOM An excited HICK BACKER shakes Bela's hand. HICK BACKER Mr. Lugosi, I can't believe I'm meeting you in person. This is one of the most exciting moments of my life. BELA Thank you. And you are? HICK BACKER Charlie Johnson! I manufacture toothpaste tubes. ACROSS THE PARTY Criswell struts in the b.g., talking to someone. CRISWELL I predict "Bride Of The Atom" will be the biggest moneymaker of all time! In the f.g., Ed introduces Dolores to a SOUTHERN BACKER. ED And this is lovely starlet Dolores Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton. SOUTHERN BACKER And how much will this picture cost? ED In a normal studio it would be half-a-million, with all their wasteful overhead and fancy offices. But because we're more efficient, we can bring it in for seventy grand! SOUTHERN BACKER Hmm. Well I'll consider it... EXT. BROWN DERBY - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his buddies wave goodbye to the departing backers. ED Goodbye! Goodbye! BELA (to Ed) So how'd we do? ED (faking a big smile, but SOTTO VOCE to Bela) We didn't make a dime. IN THE PARKING LOT A VALET hands the car keys to the Conservative Backer. VALET That's twenty-five cents, sir. The man glances at his Wife. She shrugs. WIFE I gave all my money to the babysitter. The man grimaces. He checks his pockets, pulls out a handful of PENNIES, and counts them out... CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S BACKYARD - DAY Ed sits in a chaise lounge by the pool, studying papers and drinking shots of whiskey. He's in a woman's pantsuit and fuzzy slippers. Dolores marches out. DOLORES Ed, the landlord called again. He wants his money. ED Tell him "Bride" is in pre- production. DOLORES Ed, the landlord doesn't care. ED That's the problem! Nobody cares about my movie! I'm tryin' so hard, I don't know what else to do! DOLORES Don't get angry at me. Maybe you just need a day job. ED (upset) Dolores, don't you understand? I'm a director now! I made "Glen Or Glenda." Directing is my day job. DOLORES (irate) All I know is, ever since "Glen Or Glenda," all you do is booze it up and wear my clothes! Suddenly Paul hesitantly steps through the back gate. PAUL MARCO Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt, but I got some big news. ED (dour) Yeah...? PAUL MARCO Well my cousin Fred met this dame from back East. She's from "old money," and he thinks she's loaded. And here's the kicker: She's very interested in the picture business! ANGLE - ED He slowly smiles. It's like sun breaking through rain clouds. CUT TO: EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY We're at a fancy outdoor brunch. Ed is shaking hands with pretty LORETTA KING, 25, a pale brunette in a classy dress. LORETTA Pleased to meet you. I'm Loretta King. ED I understand you just moved here? LORETTA Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting. A WAITER walks over, with a water pitcher. WAITER Water, Ma'am? LORETTA (suddenly freaking out) No! No water! NO LIQUIDS! I'm terribly allergic to them! The waiter is bewildered. He hurries away. Ed leans in. ED So my associate Mr. Marco tells me you may be interested in investing in a motion picture. LORETTA Perhaps a small amount of money. (she smiles) How much do one of your motion pictures cost? ED For this one, we need $60,000. LORETTA That's all?? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture. Ed perks up. She's a live one! Ed pulls a script from his briefcase and hands it to her. ED Perhaps you'd like to look at the photoplay. LORETTA Oh my, this is very interesting. (she skims the pages) Say... do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts? ED (very enthused) Oh, of course!! There's a couple characters you'd be perfect for: The secretary at the newspaper office, or the file clerk! LORETTA Hmm. Those sound kind of small. (stopping at a page) Oh, here's one that looks good: Janet Lawton. I'd sure like to play her. Ed blanches. ED J-Janet Lawton??? LORETIA Yes, Janet Layton is clearly the part to play. She's got some real meaty scenes! Can't you just see me in that part?? CU - ED He is aghast. What a stomach-churning decision. He stares at Loretta, then slowly croaks a response. ED Uh... yeah... (beat) You'd be perfect. CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S HOUSE - DAY We HEAR dishes being violently thrown. Dolores SCREAMS inside. DOLORES (o.s.) You bastard! You two-timing, dress-wearing son-of-a-BITCH!! INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME Dolores is crying and screaming angrily. Ed ducks the objects she hurls at him. ED It was the only way I could get the movie made! DOLORES Who do you think's been paying the rent?! Who helped type your script, and did all your grunt work?! ED I'm sorry! What did you want me to say? DOLORES I wanted you to say, "No! I wrote the part for my girlfriend Dolores." ED But there's plenty of other parts. DOLORES Like what?! ED (nervous) The secretary. Or the file clerk. Dolores is stunned. DOLORES YOU ASSHOLE! She hurls a pot at Ed. WHACK! It slams him in the head. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The sets are being erected for "Bride Of The Atom"! The crew hurries about the small stage, as Ed energetically supervises. He has a large band-aid on his head. ED This is gonna be Bela's laboratory, so it should be real impressive! Like one of those mad scientist movies. I want beakers, and test tubes, and one of those electrical things that buzzes! BUNNY You mean a Tesla coil? ED If you say so. Tor lumbers over, in his ripped Lobo outfit. His face has fake gashed-up scars. Tor holds the script. TOR Edvard! I haf question 'bout script. My vife Greta, she read. And she no like. ED Really? Was the third act too intense? TOR (trying to be polite) No. She tink Lobo is waste of my time. Lobo don't talk. ED But Tor, it's a starring part! You're second billed. TOR Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk. But Tor, he no talk. Ed thinks. He quickly puts a spin on this. ED Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look at the classic film actors, who are they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They didn't talk! They did it all with their face. TOR (still bothered) But Greta say -- Loretta walks over, holding two dresses. LORETTA Eddie, which dress do you like better? ED I don't know. (he yells o.s.) Hey Bill, which dress is better for you, the green or the red one? Cameraman Bill is standing at the camera. He squints. CAMERAMAN BILL Which one is the red one? ED (confused) What do you mean? CAMERAMAN BILL I mean I can't see the difference. I'm color-blind. (beat) But I like the dark gray one. WIPE TO: LATER The crew is shooting on a spooky castle foyer set. ED ACTION! Bela enters, wearing a lab coat costume. As he slowly crosses, the old man rubs his hands fiendishly. Ed YELLS live direction through a megaphone. ED Okay, you're Dr. Eric Vornoff. You're upset. You've worked so hard on this experisent, and you don't want to see it fail. (Bela stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Bela exits) Okay, CUT! BEAUTIFUL! PRINT IT! Ed claps his hands triumphantly. ED Alright, let's go immediately to Scene 52. Tor, are you in place? TOR'S VOICE Yah. ED Okay, CUE RAINSTORM! Behind the window, Conrad pours a watering can. ED And roll camera! ACTION! Tor enters, but can barely squeeze his bulk through the door. Finally he enters. Ed YELLS through the segaphone. ED Okay, you're Lobo. You're upset. You've worked so hard helping Dr. Vornoff on this experiment, and you don't want to see it fail. (Tor stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Tor exits) Okay, CUT! PERFECT! PRINT IT! OFF STAGE Bela talks to Tor. BELA At Universal, they shot two scenes a day. Eddie can knock off twenty or thirty! He's incredible. BACK ON SET Cameraman Bill leans in to Ed. CAMERAMAN BILL Hey Ed, shouldn't we do another take? Big Baldy kinda got stuck in the doorway. ED No, it's fine. It's real! In actuality, Lobo would struggle with that problem every day. WIPE TO: LABORATORY SET - LATER They are back on the completed lab set. Beyond the bunsen burners and beakers is a kitchenette in the corner. ED Wow, this lab looks great. Except why is there a stove and refrigerator? PAUL MARCO We couldn't afford any more props. If it seems weird, maybe you can add a scene where they eat dinner. ED Nah, it'll work. Where's Bela? Bela is asleep on a couch. Ed nudges him. ED Bela, are you ready? BELA (he groggily wakes up) Mmph? Where am I? ED You're shooting "Bride Of The Atom." Scene 85. Bela nods. He stands up, then grimaces in pain. So he pulls two BRIGHT LITTLE PILLS from his pocket and swallows them. Ed walks Bela onto the lab set. ED You'll be sitting on the right. BELA (he glares at the sparking Tesla coils) I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of those burned me on "The Return Of Chandu." ED Okay. Then you'll be sitting on the left. Ed turns to Tor and Loretta. She wears a wedding gown. ED Here's the scene. Loretta, you're in a trance. You glide in and get on the operating table. Now Tor, you're supposed to tie her down. But you have an angora fetish... and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse so Bela has to discipline you. TOR Okey-dokey. WIPE TO: SHOOTING - LATER The scene begins. ED ACTION! BELA (as VORNOFF) "Now we are ready for the girl." Bela does his patented hypnotic arm wave. He actually has a powerful intensity. Loretta staggers in, eyes glazed. Like a zombie, she climbs onto the operating table. BELA "Dear, you are a woman of super strength and beauty. A lovely vision of exquisitely beauty -- shit!" (he breaks character) Damn! Eddie, I'm sorry I can't remember all this. I'm an old man. It's too long. ED That's fine, Bela. We're still rolling. Just say "Dear, you're lovely." BELA (he snaps back into character) "Dear, you're lovely." (he turns to Tor) "Strap her to the table." Tor starts to tie Loretta down, then gets distracted by a piece of angora hooked to his waist. He rubs it lovingly, calmed, then suddenly refuses. Bela is furious. BELA "Do as I command you!" Bela pulls out an oversized BULLWHIP and starts WHIPPING Tor. Tor screams in agony. BELA "I'll teach you to disobey me!" Bela chases Tor around the set, WHIPPING him. ED And, CUT!!! Impeccable! ON TOR He dances about happily. TOR I love being movie star! Tor jubilantly hugs Loretta. She grimaces. LORETTA Ow. Not so hard, Tor. ON ED A SURLY STAGE MANAGER strides over to Ed. SURLY STAGE MANAGER Hey, Wood. Your check bounced. ED Okay, I'll get you the money later. SURLY STAGE MANAGER No. I need it NOW. Ed nods grimly. He grabs Loretta and takes her aside. ED Sorry to bother you while we're shooting, but the guy who owns the stage needs his money. LORETTA Well then you should pay him, shouldn't you? ED (he smiles) Yeah. Exactly! There's a pause. They stare at each other. ED I kinda need it now. LORETTA (baffled) What are you looking at me like that for? I already gave you my three hundred. ED Yeah. Well I need the other sixty-thousand. LORETTA What other sixty-thousand? ED The other sixty-thousand you said you'd give me. LORETTA You misunderstood. I gave you everything I have in the world: Three-hundred dollars. CLOSEUP - ED He looks like he s going to throw up. ED Oh my God. CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The large stage door SLAMS shut. Ed's disoriented cast and crew stand in the street. Bela, Tor, and Loretta are still in costume. Ed looks totally dazed. He blinks in the bright sunlight. CUT TO: INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're back at the Brown Derby, for another backers party. The same banner is hanging: "BRIDE OF THE ATOM -- NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" The whole crowd is there, dressed up. Bela sits in the corner, knocking back a drink. BELA Here we go again. Paul whispers to Bunny. PAUL MARCO So is Dolores coming? BUNNY (very catty) I can't imagine why. I wouldn't put up with a boyfriend who sold me out for three-hundred dollars...! ON ED Ed stands with a circle of POTENTIAL BACKERS. He has an edge of desperation we've never seen before. ED ...lemme tell you, you can't lose. It's scary! And if you don't like that, it's romantic! Bela Lugosi portrays Dr. Vornoff, and lovely ingenue Loretta King is reporter Janet Lawton. POTENTIAL BACKER Hmm. Lugosi looks pretty old. (he squints across the room) Which role is Vampira playing? ED Vampira...? (bewildered) Why do you ask?? POTENTIAL BACKER Well I see her standing over there. The guy points. Ed turns and looks and Vampira is standing in the next room. She's at a different party. ED Well... she's playing -- (beat) Could you excuse me one moment?? Ed dashes from the room. NEXT ROOM OVER Vampira is drinking with a bunch of artsy-fartsy types. She's in street clothes, but clearly recognizable. Ed runs up. ED Excuse me, Miss Vampira? VAMPIRA Yes? ED (sweaty) You don't know me, but my name is Ed Wood. I'm a film producer. I'm currently in production on a science-fiction piece, with Bela Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson. And I saw you here, and I thought: Kismet! Vampira stares, totally uncomprehending. VAMPIRA I don't understand. Do you want my autograph? ED No. I think my film is perfect for you. VAMPIRA You want me to show it on my TV program? Well I got nothing to do with that. You should call up the station manager at Channel Seven -- ED (unyielding) No! I don't want you to show the movie, I want you to be in it! See, maybe I should explain: We started shooting, but then after three days we got shut down. So we're having a backers party, to raise some more money. Perhaps you'd like to come next door and meet some of the backers...? Vampire glances at her friends. They uncomfortably turn away. VAMPIRA Uh, look, I'm with some friends, and we're about to eat -- ED (begging) Please! It'll only take a minute. You can have some hors d'oeuvres, and meet my backers! There's a really nice dentist from Oxnard... VAMPIRA (pissed off) Look buddy, I'm a big star. I've got real offers from real studios. I don't need to blow some dentist for a part. So forget it! BACK AT THE PARTY The backers glance into the next room. Ed is in front of Vampira, begging on his hands and knees. BACKER (to another backer) I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Let's get out of here. The backers pick up their coats. Through the doorway, Ed sees this. He jumps up and frantically runs back in. ED Where are you guys going?! You can't leave! BACKER (running out) Goodbye, Mr. Wood. ED (insane) You can't go! You haven't seen the storyboards! The backers run out of the room. They're gone. Ed shouts after them. ED Fine! SCREW YOU! If you don't have the balls to roll the dice, then I don't want your stinking money!! No response. ED Please, come back! CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES' HOUSE - DAY Ed and Dolores are being evicted. Their belongings are scattered in front. They bitterly carry furniture out of the house. Ed stumbles and slurs his speech. He is drunk. ED Goddamn landlord. DOLORES I told you this was gonna happen. ED Maybe if you'd come to the backers party, I would've gotten the money. DOLORES That's moronic. Why would a bit player impress a backer? ED (he starts yelling) Look, how many times can I say I'm sorry? I blew it! I thought she was rich. DOLORES That's a good reason to dump your girlfriend. ED I didn't dump you! Get it through your skull -- I just recast the part! Ed drops the furniture. He flops onto the sidewalk. DOLORES You're a fuckin' mess. ED So WHAT?? Look, we gotta figure out where we're gonna stay. DOLORES I'm going to my mother's. ED Does she have room for me? Dolores shakes her head. DOLORES I think you should stay with one of your friends. CUT TO: EXT. TOWERING TEMPLE - NIGHT Ed and Bela stroll through a parking lot. Ed is sobered up and remorseful. Bela wears a beret and smokes a huge cigar. ED Bela, I don't know what I'm doin' anymore... BELA Stop worrying. This is going to raise your spirits. They reach the strange entrance to an avant-garde, Eastern based quasi-religious temple. Bela puts out his cigar, and they enter the oversized doors. INT. TEMPLE - SAME TIME Sphinxes and Bodhisatvas peer down from the marble walls. A service is in progress. A wiry, enigmatic LECTURER speaks. LECTURER Thou eternal sun, who has covered the consciousness with thy golden disc, do thou remove the veil so that I may see the truth within? Bela leads Ed to a seat, stepping past men in fezzes and odd elderly women in fur coats. As the lecture continues, Ed WHISPERS in bafflement. ED What is this place? BELA This is the Philosophical Research Society. A refuge for free thinkers. I've been coming here for twenty years. LECTURER ...for the truth which is within thee is within me. And I am Truth. BELA Most people in this country, they know nothing, about Eastern mysticism. They are afraid of it. (beat) But I am open-minded. It gives me hope. LECTURER We have the wisdom to govern and the divine right to inherit the earth in good condition. We have the power to build worlds. Ed leans in to Bela. ED Was I wrong to cast Loretta? BELA Bad decisions are easy to live with. Forget. Just keep looking forward. ED But was it a bad decision? At the time, I thought her money would save the movie. BELA Eddie, you screwed up. ED (he nods) Yeah, I did. CUT TO: LATER The lecture is over. The speaker shakes hands with people. Bela leads Ed along. BELA In life, the decisions that haunt you are the ones where you just don't know... where right or wrong will never be answered. (beat) Years ago, the Hungarians contacted me. The government wanted me to come home, to be Minister of Culture. ED Really? BELA It was a very impressive offer. Fancy offices, a big home... I'd be treated like a king. ED So why didn't you do it? BELA I didn't know if it was a trick. They might arrest me and throw me in a gulag. (pause) I am Hungary's most famous emigrant. they'd use me as a lesson to anyone who tries to leave. ED But maybe not. BELA Correct. So instead, I stayed here, waiting for my comeback. Always hoping... the next film, the next film... that would be the one. They reach the exit. Ed stops in the huge doorway. ED Your next film. That will be the one. Bela smiles sweetly. CUT TO: INT. MCCOY MEATPACKING PLANT - DAY We're in a noisy meat-packing plant. WORKERS in blood-stained aprons slam cleavers into hunks of beef. Ed walks down an aisle with DONALD E. McCOY, a wealthy Texan meat man. Old Man McCoy is a tough-talking, tobacco-chewing, straight shooter. ED ...and then Dr. Vornoff falls in the pit, and his own octopus attacks and eats him! The End. OLD MAN McCOY Whew! That's quite a story. So you made the movie, and now you want to make it again? ED (gently correcting him) No. We shot ten minutes of the movie, and now we're looking for completion funds. OLD MAN McCOY Son, you're too vague. I come from the world of business. I need to know what I get for my investment. ED Movies are very popular. You could make a lot of money. OLD MAN McCOY Yeah, but most of 'em flop, don't they? What am I tangibly guaranteed? ED Well... you get "Executive Producer" credit. OLD MAN McCOY That don't mean diddley. (he suddenly SHOUTS angrily) BILLY BOB! You're cutting 'em TOO LEAN. McCoy grabs a CLEAVER from a worker and slams it into a chop. ED Mr. McCoy, how can I make you happy? OLD MAN McCOY Cut to the chase, heh? That's good! That's very good. McCoy SPITS his tobacco. OLD MAN McCOY Okay, two things. Number one: I want the movie to end with a big explosion. Sky full of smoke. ED But the story ends with Dr. Vornoff falling in the pit -- OLD MAN McCOY Not anymore. And number two: I've got a son. He's a little slow -- but a good boy. And something tells me he'd make a hell of a leading man... Under Ed's cheery frozen smile, his face clearly falls. CUT TO: INT. SALT LAKE CITY AUDITORIUM - NIGHT We're at a ROWDY wrestling match. Tor Johnson is in the middle of a screaming, four-man tag-team event. Tor THROWS his opponent to the ground; then tags with his partner and goes to the corner. Suddenly a WRESTLING COACH runs up, dragging a telephone on a very long cord. WRESTLING COACH Tor, you got a phone call! TOR Heh? NOW? WRESTLING COACH They said it was an emergency! He hands sweaty Tor the phone. Tor speaks into it. TOR Hallo? ED'S VOICE Tor, this is Ed! Glad I could find you! I got the money, and we resume shooting tomorrow morning! TOR But I'm in Utah. ED'S VOICE Then you'll have to drive all night! I'm counting on you, big guy. Breakfast is at seven. CLICK. Ed hangs up. Tor is flabbergasted. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - EARLY MORNING "Bride Of The Atom" is back in production! Ed's stock company is reunited. People drink coffee and gossip. PAUL MARCO This is unbelievable! I woulda bet a million bucks that Ed wouldn't finish this picture. CAMERAMAN BILL It ain't finished yet. Anything could happen. The stage door opens and standing there, in silhouette, is Dolores. Everybody quiets. People glance nervously at Loretta. BUNNY Uh-oh. Stay out of scratching distance. AT DOLORES Ed runs over. Dolores is beautifully made-up, and wearing a furry angora sweater. Ed speaks, awkwardly. ED Honey, you made it! I wasn't sure you got my message. DOLORES (icy) Of course I'm here. Today is the file clerk's big scene. ED That's right... DOLORES I see the usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here. (she looks around) Say, who's the lug? In a corner, standing by himself, is dumb TONY McCOY, Old Man McCoy's worthless son. He's a good-looking, moody hunk. Tony is practicing his lines from a script, but he's terribly stiff. TONY "Now Janet, I want you straying away -- oops -- staying away from the old Willows Place." Ed shrugs. ED That's Tony McCoy. He's playing Lieutenant Dick Craig. DOLORES Oh really? How much money did he put up? ED None. (beat) But his dad gave me fifty grand. DOLORES (snide) Wood Productions. The mark of quality. ED Hey, the movie's getting made. That's the main thing. Dolores shakes her head contemptuously. Then she strides off. Ed stands alone, feeling bad. WIPE TO: ON STAGE The set is a one-wall "office hallway": A doorway and a water cooler. Loretta sits in a make-up chair, as Harry works on her. DOLORES (O.S.) Hey Harry -- long time no see. Harry turns, surprised. Dolores stands behind him. There's a thick tension. He smiles anxiously. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY Hi Dolores... LORETA Oh, you're Dolores?! I've heard so much about you! I'm Loretta King. (she chipperly jumps up) Here, take the chair. DOLORES (bitchy) Don't be silly -- let Harry finish. You still need more work. LORETTA No, I'm done. All I needed was a touch-up. DOLORES Mm, that mole still shows. Loretta frowns. Ed quickly steps in. ED Ladies! You both look fine. Why don't we talk about the scene? (beat) Okay. Janet Lawton has discovered that Dr. Vornoff bought the old Willows estate. So now she wants to prove that all the monster stories are true. Dolores nods sourly. She s in a trouble-making mood. DOLORES Eddie, what's my motivation? ED (thrown off) Oh. Er... well you're the file clerk. You're hurrying into the next room, when you bump into Janet. DOLORES But what's our relationship? Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance? ED (annoyed) Dolores, I got five days to shoot this movie. Quit kidding around. WIPE TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT We're watching DAILIES. Projected ON SCREEN, a camera assistant claps the slate. We hear Ed yell: "Action!" Loretta hurries down the hallway. Dolores sees her run past and shouts out. DOLORES (as File Clerk) "Janet, the boss has been looking for you." LORETTA (as Janet Lawton) "Thanks." Loretta runs out. Dolores just stands there. We HEAR Ed: "CUT! PERFECT!" Dolores turns deadpan to the camera. DOLORES Of course it was. The FILM runs out. ON THE AUDIENCE The screening room lights come up on the crew. Ed sits in gloomy haze. Suddenly, there's loud CLAPPING from the back of the room. CRISWELL Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico! ED (he smiles) Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot. CRISWELL My pleasure. I'm always happy to assist in a little larceny. CUT TO: INT. CADILLAC - NIGHT g pink Cadillac convertible races down the Ed and Criswell are in front, and Tor, Conrad and Paul to the back. TOR My head is cold. CRISWELL You know how much this car cost me? CONRAD Ten thousand dollars. CRISWELL ONE DOLLAR! Miss Mae West herself sold it to me. She said, Cris, you belong in a pink Cadillac! Criswell turns to Ed. CRISWELL Incidentally, you promise you're not going to scratch my car...? ED (cocky) I told you, the octopus is made of rubber. This is a piece o' cake. EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men climb over a fence. They're breaking into Republic Studios. Paul is panicked. PAUL MARCO Ed, you said you were getting permission. ED Uh, I couldn't reach the guy... he was in meetings all day. But this'll be great, I promise! Ed smiles at Conrad. Conrad shrugs. Tor struggles. TOR I'm no good at climbink. Tor gives up, and simply BASHES through the locked gate. Everyone is amazed. Tor laughs. TOR I'm good at bashink!! CRISWELL Hey, keep it down. My publicist will throttle me if we get caught. They all sneak across the shadowy lot. Remnants of old scary sets tower over them. OUTSIDE A SOUNDSTAGE They reach a stage door. Ed tries it -- but it's locked. ED Oh. I thought they kept this open. A pause. Everyone looks at Tor. He grins. TOR Lobo will fix! Tor grabs the heavy door and easily SNAPS the lock. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME This place is the mythic eclectic prop room. Guillotines, rocketships, a stuffed vulture... strange mysterious props from untold movies loom everywhere in the darkness. It's a place of wonderment and fear. The men stare in awe. CONRAD Wow. PAUL MARCO This place gives se the creeps. Let's get the hell out of here. ED Not so fast. First we have to get it down. Ed gestures above. Everyone glances straight up. THEIR POV A giant OCTOPUS is lashed to the ceiling. CUT TO: LATER Conrad and Criswell are way up on the catwalk, holding onto dangling Paul by his belt. Paul leans way out, reaching for the octopus. He shouts nervously. PAUL MARCO You're sure this is gonna work? ED (O.S.) Yes! PAUL MARCO You're sure??? ED (O.S.) YES! JUST DO IT! WIDE VIEW Standing straight below is Tor. The Swede has his arms outstretched, waiting. Ed supervises a good distance away. He motions to Paul. Paul gulps, then unties the octopus. It drops incredibly fast. The thing must weigh half a ton. Tor's eyes widen. And the octopus smashes straight on top of him. BAM! Tor is gone from sight. One of the eight tentacles snaps off. UP IN THE CATWALK Criswell moans. CRISWELL Oh my God. We killed him. ON THE GROUND Ed runs to the octopus and looks for Tor underneath. ED Tor! Are you okay?! A beat. And then the octopus flips over. Tor sits up, battered but smiling. TOR Bedder than wrestlink! EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men hurry across the lot, carrying the hubongous octopus on their shoulders. Suddenly, a FLASHLIGHT shines on them. ANGRY VOICE Hey! What are you doing?! The men jump with fear. They break into a fast waddling run. CRISWELL Thank God Tor broke the fence. The team runs through the busted gate and escapes. EXT. STUDIOS - NIGHT The Cadillac SCREECHES away. The octopus flops on top of the five men. WIPE TO: EXT. GRIFFITH PARK - NIGHT The movie crew is setting up for a big night shoot. Lights and generators are sprawled across this isolated area. Tony McCoy perches goofily on his own personalized chair. He runs lines by himself. TONY "Now Janet, I want you staying away from the old Willows Place." The octopus lays in a dried-up riverbed. There's only about an inch of water. Ed yells at Conrad. ED You don't understand! The octopus is supposed to live in a lake! CONRAD This is kind of a stream-- ED NO! It has to be UNDERWATER! Ed storms away. Conrad scratches his head. IN A DUSTY PARKING LOT Bela sits inertly in the back of an open car. He weakly hails over Ed. BELA Eddie, I'm so tired... I don't know if I can handle a night shoot... ED Nonsense! You look great -- (suddenly he catches himself; he speaks more sincerely) Look, uh, why don't you lie down and take a little nap? We'll film around you for a while. ED Thanks, buddy... Ed smiles warmly, then walks off. Bela stares after him, then absent-mindedly searches through his pockets. Finally, he finds what he's looking for -- a rubber tube. Bela looks to make sure no one's around, then ties the tube around his upper arm... AT THE SET - LATER Crew members have dammed up the end of the river, and Bunny fills it with a hose. There is now a foot of water. Ed stands at the shore, admiring it. ED Hey. This is looking good! (he turns to Paul) Paul, where's the octopus motor? PAUL MARCO What octopus motor? ED You know, to make the legs move -- PAUL MARCO (defensive) Hey, don't blame me! You didn't say anything about no motor when I was up on that ceiling! Bela stumbles up, with a dazed smile. BELA Let's shoot this fucker! Where do I go? ED You'll be fighting with the octopus. BELA Out there?! (he points at the water) What happened to the stream? ED This'll look a lot better. We have to match the stock footage of the octopus underwater. BELA Oh, for Christ's sake. Bela rolls up his pants and wades out, into the water. He screams. BELA Goddamn, it's cold! ED Once you're in it, it warms up. BELA Fuck you! You come out here. (beat) Hey, toss me that J.D. A crew member throws Bela a bottle of Jack Daniels. Bela pops the cap and chugs half the bottle in one swig. He licks his lips, then climbs onto the octopus. BELA Okay! How do we turn this thing on? ED Bela, somebody misplaced the motor. So when you wrestle the octopus, shake the legs a bit, to make it look like it's killing you. Bela stares, deadpan. BELA Do you know I turned down "Frankenstein"? ED Huh? BELA After I did "Dracula," the studio offered me "Frankenstein"! But I turned it down, the part wasn't sexy enough. It was too degrading for a big star like me. The crew glances at Ed. ED Bela, I've got twenty-five scenes to shoot tonight. BELA Don't let me slow you down. ED Alright! Let's put it on film. CAMERA! SOUND! Bela takes another swig of J.D., then throws it off-camera. ED ACTION! Bela starts flailing around the octopus legs and SCREAMING in horror. This image is truly ridiculous. Ed is pleased. Some crew members nod: Pretty good. ED And CUT! Everybody cheers. Then suddenly the dam walls BURST. WHOOSH! The water rushes from the lake and floods the park below. WIPE TO: EXT. DINKY SOUNDSTAGES - EARLY MORNING Crew members straggle in for the final shoot. Everybody looks bleary-eyed from last night. Ed stands cheerily at the entrance, greeting them. ED C'mon! Just one more day! Just have some coffee, you'll feel better! Tony staggers up. TONY Mr. Wood, I only got one hour of sleep. ED Yeah? Well I got no sleep, and I feel great! Ed sees Bela slowly shuffling along. Ed runs over to him. ED Bela. I just wanna thank you again for last night. BELA (exhausted) That's fine, Eddie. All in the line of duty. ED No. Seriously. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done for me. A great man like you shouldn't have to run around in freezing water at four in the morning. BELA Well, there aren't too many other fellas I'd do it for... ED (he smiles, then pulls out a script page) I wrote something special for you. I got to thinking about all the sacrifices you've made... and so I wrote you a new final speech. Ed hands him the paper. Bela starts reading it, as Ed watches anxiously. Bela is very touched. BELA (still reading) Eddie, this is quite a scene. ED I know it's a lot to give you at the last second. Bela looks up. BELA These lines -- I'll have no problem remembering. WIPE TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY They are shooting. Ed watches off-camera, as Bela acts a somber scene with an actor playing PROFESSOR STROWSKI, a threatening European. STROWSKI "Our government wants you to return... to continue your experiments there. Where you can have everything at your disposal." BELA (as VORNOFF) "My dear Professor Strowski, twenty years ago I was banned from my home land. I was classed as a madman -- a charlatan -- outlawed in the world of science which previously honored me as a genius!" (he gets very subdued) "Now here in this forsaken jungle hell, I have proven that I am alright." STROWSKI "Yes, the authorities have learned how correct your findings were. So I am here -- sent to bring you home." BELA (impassioned) "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people -- a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" It's an incredible performance of crowning tragedy. Bela is totally drained. CU - ED He is very moved. He whispers, barely audible. ED Cut. It's a wrap. CUT TO: INT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - NIGHT The wrap party is being thrown in the meat packing plant. People laugh and shout and carry on. Tor pours booze in the punch. R&B MUSIC plays. Old Man McCoy dances with Loretta. Bunny dances with a young stud. Dolores stands by herself. Bela and Criswell are giggling. CRISWELL So you sleep in coffins?! BELA Yes. There is nothing more comfortable. CRISWELL I can't believe this! I sleep in coffins! BELA No. CRISWELL YES! My father ran a mortuary -- it's an old habit! They CLINK beers. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Outside, Vampira and two GIRL FRIENDS walk up. They peer at a tin sign. GIRLFRIEND #1 "McCoy Meat Packing"? Are you sure there's a party here? VAMPIRA (holding an INVITATION) Yeah, I got this invitation. It's a "Bride Of The Atom" party, whatever that means. They open the large steel door, and INSIDE is the wild bash. INT. PARTY Across the room, Paul and Conrad chat. PAUL MARCO "Glen Or Glenda," now that was a hell of a picture. CONRAD Well, this new one's gonna be a hundred times better. PAUL MARCO Is that possible? Dolores overhears this. She stares in disbelief. AT THE TURNTABLE Someone changes the record. Brassy STRIPPER MUSIC begins. A door opens, and Ed struts out, in full gaudy drag. Everybody turns. They start WHISTLING and HOLLARING. Ed grins, and starts into a wacky bump-and-grind. VOICE Go, baby, go! Bunny runs up and sticks a dollar bill between Ed's fake tits. People LAUGH hysterically. Dolores is appalled. Ed shimmies to the music, blowing kisses all around. He sees Vampira and waves. Vampira's jaw drops in recognition. VAMPIRA I don't believe it. It's him! Ed sashays up to Bela and dances a few steps with him. The music is building to a climax. Ed hurries off to center stage -- and as the MUSIC ENDS, he does a final swing of his hips, then suddenly yanks out his teeth! This brings down the house. Everyone STAMPS their feet and CLAPS crazily. ANGLE - DOLORES Everyone, except Dolores. Suddenly, she explodes. DOLORES You people are INSANE! Take a look around -- you're all FREAKS! The room quiets. Dolores has snapped. DOLORES You're wasting your lives making SHIT! Nobody cares! These movies are TERRIBLE! (beat) I can't take it any longer! The group is shocked. Nobody speaks. Dolores runs out of the party. Ed just stands, dumbstruck. Then he chases after her, in his high heels and dress. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Dolores runs across the parking lot, in tears. Ed catches up with her. ED Dolores, wait! DOLORES Ed, it's over. I need a normal life. ED (hurt) Did you really mean those things you said..? Dolores stops. DOLORES I'm tired of living on the fringe. ED But you used to say -- DOLORES Ed... I just stuck it out so you could finish your movie. (pause) Now that it's done, so am I. She turns and walks away. Ed is crushed. He stands motionless, in his dress, in the dark. CUT TO: INT. ED'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY Ed's new home is a single apartment, still filled with moving boxes. Half-eaten plates of food are scattered about. Ed lies asleep in bed, unshaven, in the middle of the day. The phone RINGS. Ed awakens and woozily answers it. ED Yeah... TOR (on phone) Ed, dit I wake you? It's two in avternoon. ED No, I was just doin' a little work... TOR (on phone) Bullchit! You been like dis too many days. I want to cheer you up. EXT. TOR'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ed drives his Nash though a tract Valley neighborhood and reaches Tor's little house. Ed gets out, still looking groggy. He walks up the tulip-lined path and rings the DOORBELL. Clanging SWEDISH CHIMES bong inside. The door flies open, and Tor appears, beaming. TOR Edvard, you come! Tor gives Ed a back-breaking hug. INT. TOR'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps in. The house is filled with cuckoo clocks and little Swedish knick-knacks. Tor gestures proudly. TOR I'm so happy you visit. Meet my family! Greta, Karl, and Connie! THREE COLOSSAL PEOPLE lumber out. Tor has the largest family we've ever seen. Not fat -- but big-boned. GRETA is Tor's gigantic Swedish wife, and KARL and CONNIE are their two elephantine children. They ADLIB greetings: "Hallo!" "Welcome!" "Is a pleasure!" Ed cannot believe what he's seeing. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Everyone noisily eats dinner. The table looks like a Smorgasbord. Entire hams, turkeys, a full case of beer, incredible quantities are being shoveled in. Tor empties a beer in one gulp, then opens another. CONNIE Pass the meatballs. KARL This strudel is delicious, Mama. Ed is stupefied. He picks at a little dainty serving. TOR Hey! You're not eatink. ED Uh, I don't have much of an appetite lately. TOR The food will make you feel bedder. Look at me -- I'm da happiest guy I know! All the Johnsons CHUCKLE. ED I'd be happy too, if I had such a great family. TOR Don't worry. You just haven't met right woman yet. (beat) Oopsy. That cabbage goes right through me. Tor stands and hurries from the room. Ed awkwardly makes conversation. ED Greta, your husband is a terrific actor. You should come down and visit the set. GRETA I don't think so. ED No, it's really no problem at all! GRETA (steely) I do not approve of what you do with my husband Tor. He is not a monster. These horror pictures are humiliating. Ed has no response. Suddenly -- CRASH! There's a loud o.s. SLAM, falling porcelain, then Tor SHOUTS FURIOUSLY in Swedish. TOR (O.S.) OUCH! GODDAMMIT! Earl and Connie begin giggling. Ed is totally baffled. Tor runs out, angrily holding a BROKEN TOILET SEAT. It is split in two. TOR Look, it happened again! Ed is boggle-eyed. This house is sadness. ED Tor, I should be getting home. TOR Nonsense! You must try our hot glug. DISSOLVE TO: LATER It's very late. Tor and Ed sit in the living room, drinking from a steaming pot of hot stilled wine. They are smashed. TOR My friend, you tink Greta is first woman I ever see? No! Many duds, before I find her. ED But I thought me and Dolores had something. TOR Forget her! Move on. A good lookink boy like you as you can have any girl you wish. Tor finishes his glug, and then his eyes roll back into his head, and he falls off the couch. He starts SNORING. Ed stares at Tor, then gets up. Ed turns off the lights and goes home. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed smokes a cigarette and watches TV. ON THE TV Vampira is doing her shtick. VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! That was so scary, it gave me goosebumps. (someone QUACKS os.; she pretends to be angry) No, dummy! I didn't say "goose," I said "goosebumps." Ugh! Well, be sure to join me next week, for "THE MUMMY'S CURSE." Until then... pleasant nightmares. Vampira blows a kiss, then disappears into the mist. A USED CAR COMMERCIAL abruptly comes on. ON ED He stares at the TV, then picks up the phone. CUT TO: INT. TV STUDIOS - SAME TIME Vampira is walking off stage. She removes her black wig. VAMPIRA God, we need some better jokes on this show. A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT carries over a phone. ASSISTANT Vampira, you got a phone call. VAMPIRA At this hour? (she takes the phone) Hello? ED'S VOICE Vampira! Hi, this is Ed Wood. VAMPIRA Who? ED'S VOICE Ed Wood! You came to my party. I directed "Bride Of The Atom"! VAMPIRA Oh. Yeah. You. Ed pauses, nervously. ED'S VOICE Well, I was wondering if maybe sometime you'd like to go out, and maybe grab some dinner. VAMPIRA You mean like a date? I thought you were a fag. ED'S VOICE ME?! No, uh, I'm just a transvestite. VAMPIRA Isn't that the same thing? ED'S VOICE No, no! I like girls. So how 'bout Friday? VAMPIRA (uncomfortable) Look, you seem like a nice guy, Ed, but you're just not my type. (beat) But keep in touch. Let me know when your movie opens. CUT BACK TO: CLOSEUP - ED Click. The phone hangs up. Poor Ed just stands there, forlorn. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, Mr. Lonely Guy, feeling sorry for himself. He glances in a coffee shop, and sees a sweet young woman inside. Her name is NORMA McCARTY. She wears a bow in her hair, Mary Jane shoes, and a fuzzy white angora sweater. Ed's eyes widen. INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME TIME Innocent Norma sits by herself, eating. ED'S VOICE Excuse me. Is that angora? Norma looks up. Standing over her is Ed, smiling. NORMA Why... yes. ED Don't you think angora has a tactile sensuality lacking in all other clothing? NORMA I suppose. It's very expensive. ED It's made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas. NORMA What are you, an angora wholesaler? ED No, I work in pictures. I'm a director-actor-writer-producer. NORMA (she laughs) Ah, c'mon! Nobody does all that. ED Two people do. Orson Welles and me. NORMA Wow. ED You know, you're a very attractive girl. Norma blushes. NORMA My goodness, you're embarrassing me. ED You shouldn't be embarrassed by the truth. (he smoothly sits down) Mind if I order some hotcakes...? CUT TO: INT. CRISWELL'S CADILLAC - NIGHT Criswell and Paul drive at night. They're dressed-up. SWING MUSIC plays on the radio. CRISWELL So who's the surprise for? PAUL MARCO I dunno. Ed was real mysterious. All he'd say was it's a surprise party. CRISWELL Isn't that like him! (beat) And isn't that like us -- that we show up anyway. They pull up to a GUARD GATE. They're at a studio. CRISWELL Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. GUARD They've rented Stage 12. Drive straight back. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT There is another rambunctious party in progress. Crepe paper streamers hang down. Bela approaches Tor. BELA So what are we doing here? TOR Nobody knows. But there's a lotta booze. Suddenly Ed steps into the middle of the room. He's extremely handsome in his tuxedo, and beaming happily. ED Excuse me! Could everyone please quiet down? (the room quiets) First of all, I want to thank you, all my good friends, for being here tonight. And second, if you're wondering what the big surprise is... well, TONIGHT I'M GETTING MARRIED!! The crowd is stunned. Many people DROP their glasses. Ed proudly pulls out Norma. She's in a wedding gown. ED Everybody, this is Norma! ON BELA AND TOR They're bewildered. Bela WHISPERS. BELA Who the fuck is she?? TOR I never heard of her. Ed walks over. He hugs Bela. ED And Bela, I want you to be the best man! Bela smiles -- trying to hide his total confusion. DISSOLVE TO: LATER The wedding is in progress. The crowd is seated. A MINISTER performs the ceremony with Ed and Norma. MINISTER ...Norma, do you promise to love, honor, and cherish... IN THE CROWD Everybody is QUIETLY GOSSIPING. BUNNY I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. PAUL MARCO (he taps him on the shoulder) I hear she's an actress who gave him money. CONRAD Nah, I heard she's his childhood sweetheart from Poughkeepsie. CRISWELL I predict it's Dolores in a mask. AT THE ALTAR The Minister is speaking to Ed. MINISTER ...in sickness and in health, till death do you part? ED I do. MINISTER (he smiles) Then I now pronounce you man and wife. Ed kisses Norma. The crowd doesn't applaud. They're too baffled by this whole event. DISSOLVE TO: THE RECEPTION Everyone's drinking and dancing. Ed proudly introduces Norma to his buddies. ED Norma, this is Bela -- Bela, this is Norma. Norma, this is Tor -- Tor, this is Norma. Norma, this is Paul Paul, this is Norma. PAUL MARCO (he can't resist) So how long have you known Eddie? NORMA (sweetly) Since Tuesday. Criswell grabs Ed and pulls him aside. CRISWELL Edward, are you sure you know what you're doing? ED Yeah. It seems a little crazy, but sometimes you just know. She's perfect for me. Outside, a car HONKS. ED Oop, that's our cue! (to Norma) Honey, we gotta go. GOODBYE, EVERYBODY! Ed and Norma run out the door. The crowd hurries after them. OUTSIDE Ed and Norma jump into his Nash. It says "Just Married" and is festooned with dangling tin cans. The car screeches away. The cans RATTLE NOISILY, then slowly fade into the distance... CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT We're at a desert roadside motel, the San Bernardino Arms. A "Vacancy" light flashes. INT. MOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME Ed excitedly carries Norma over the threshold. He throws her onto the bed, and they start ardently making out. NORMA Eddie, I'm just a small-town girl. I've never done this before. ED (kissing her) Don't worry, I'll teach you. He helps her remove her wedding dress. She is very shy. NORMA Be understanding. I don't know anything. Ed removes his jacket, then gestures to his shirt. Norma nervously starts unbuttoning it. Ed bites his lip in anticipation. Norma opens the shirt... and inside, Ed is wearing a bra! Norma is horrified. NORMA What the heck is THIS?!! ED Honey, I have a little secret to share with you. CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL - SAME TIME There's a loud woman's SCREAM. Then the door slams open, and Norma runs hysterically out, clutching her dress about her. NORMA Stay away from me! You're perverted! Ed runs out after her. ED Please, be compassionate. I'm your husband! NORMA No you're not! This marriage was never consummated. I'm getting an annulment! CUT TO: EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS - LATE NIGHT Ed drives sadly through the streets, alone. His car still says "Just Married," and the tin cans RATTLE behind him. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT Ed's car pulls up. Ed stumbles out, yanks off the tin cans, and throws them in someone's trash. Ed despondently approaches Bela's. Inside, a light glows, and the dogs BARK. Ed is relieved. Bela's awake. He BANGS on the door. ED Bela, let me in! Bela, it's Eddie. He keeps BANGING. Finally the door opens -- and Bela stands there, shakily waving a gun! Bela is doped up, glassy-eyed, and disturbingly haggard. BELA Why are you here?? ED Shit! Bela, what's with the gun? BELA Why aren't you on your honeymoon? Where's Myrna? ED Norma. She changed her mind. She doesn't wanna marry me. (beat) Can you put down the gun? Bela weakly lowers the gun. INT. BELA'S Ed walks in, in a near-stupor. Needles and drug paraphernalia are scattered about ED What are you doing? BELA I was thinking about killing myself. ED Jesus Christ, what an evening. (he looks around) What happened? BELA (near tears) Eddie, I received a letter from the government. They're cutting off my unemployment. That's all I've got. Without it, I can't pay the rent... ED Don't you have any savings? BELA I'm obsolete. I have nothing to live for. Tonight, I should die. (distraught) And you should come with me. Frail Bela points the gun at Ed. Ed is terrified. ED Buddy, I don't know if that's such a good idea. BELA It'll be wonderful. We'll be at peace. In the afterlife, you don't have to worry about finding work. ED Bela, I'm on your side. C'mon, give me the gun... (he cautiously steps forward) If you give me the gun, I'll make you a drink. What are you drinking? BELA Formaldehyde. Ed stares in anguish. ED Straight up or on the rocks? Bela drops the gun. He starts weeping. Ed walks over and hugs the shaking old man. ED Don't worry. BELA I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm so sorry. ED Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right. CUT TO: EXT. HOSPITAL - STILL LATER THAT NIGHT Ed's car pulls up at the South Metropolitan State Hospital. It's a grim, unwelcoming edifice. Ed helps weak Bela from the car. They look at each other, then Ed gingerly leads Bela in. INT. HOSPITAL - SAME TIME The lobby is clammy and dim. Ed and Bela reach the desk. A NURSE looks up, startled. NURSE My goodness, you gave me the willies. You look like that Dracula guy. BELA (very somber) My name is Bela Lugosi. I wish to commit myself. NURSE For what reason? BELA I have been a drug addict for twenty years. I need help... The nurse nods. She takes Bela's arm and leads him away. Bela glances at Ed, then steps through a wide door. As it swings shut, we see a DOCTOR walk over and shake Bela's hand. Ed stares at the door, dazed by all that's happened. He sits down in a chair, exhausted. Ed's eyes slowly close, and he falls asleep... DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL - MORNING Ed is still asleep, but now sunlight beats in. Ed stirs and wakes up. He groggily looks around, and sitting across from him is a woman, knitting. This is KATHY O'HARA, 26, solid, reflective, with a dry sense of humor. Ed peers at her. ED Hello. KATHY Hello. (beat) You're sleeping in a tuxedo. ED I got married last night. KATHY Oh. Congratulations. ED The marriage already ended. KATHY Oh. My condolences. Ed watches her knit. ED What are you making? KATHY Booties for my father. He gets cold in this hospital. ED How long's he been here? KATHY This is my thirteenth pair. Ed nods. He spots the Doctor walk by. ED Excuse me. (he runs to the Doctor) Doctor? I'm with Mr. Lugosi. How is he? DOCTOR Well... there's a lot of junk in his system for such an old man. Apparently, he was addicted to morphine, tried to kick it, and got re-addicted to methadone. ED Will he be okay? DOCTOR We'll do our best. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - NIGHT We are outside Bela's room. He can be glimpsed inside, strapped to the bed and SCREAMING in pain. He is going through painful withdrawal and shakes horribly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - ANOTHER DAY Ed strides into the hospital, wearing different clothes, and carrying a box of chocolates. He waves at the nurse. ED Hi, Lillian. NURSE (she smiles) Hi, Ed. Boy, he's got a lot of visitors today. ED He does? Ed is puzzled. He hurries back. INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY A crowd of NEWSPAPER REPORTERS and PHOTOGRAPHERS overflow Bela's room. Ed is astonished. ED What's going on here?! Excuse me! INT. HOSPITAL ROOM Decrepit Bela is propped up in his bed, as the mob of reporters throw questions at hit and SNAP shots: "Bela, how long have you been a junkie??" "Bela, look this way!" Ed angrily pushes through. ED Everybody out! This is a hospital! Get out of here. Ed forces them out, then SLAMS the door. ED What happened?! BELA (in a hoarse whisper) Isn't it wonderful? After all these years, the press is showing an interest again in Bela Lugosi. ED (surprised) Bela, they're parasites! They just want to exploit you. BELA Fine. Let them! There is no such thing as bad press. A man from New York even said he's putting me on the front page! First celebrity to ever check into rehab. (he smiles feebly) When I get out of here, I will be healthy. Strong! I will be primed for my comeback! Bela starts COUGHING heavily. Ed stares sadly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LOBBY - ANOTHER DAY Ed sits tensely in the lobby, holding vigil. Kathy O'Hara walks by. KATHY Oh, it's you again. ED Oh, hi. KATHY You look beat. ED I am. How's your father? KATHY He's better. Thank you for asking. (pause) How's your friend? ED Not good... Kathy reaches in her purse and pulls out two black booties. KATHY Well, I made him some booties to cheer him up. (beat) They're black -- to match his cape. She smiles. Ed slowly smiles in response. But this isn't his normal slick smile. It's gentler. Sincere. ED Would you maybe like to get a coffee..? DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY Ed and the Doctor stand in a doorway, talking. DOCTOR We thought Mr. Lugosi was insured though the Screen Actors Guild. ED Isn't he? DOCTOR No. They say his eligibility ran out years ago. ED Look, he doesn't have any money... but I'll give you everything I've got. I have a few hundred dollars. The Doctor shakes his head grimly. DOCTOR That won't even begin to cover it. He's going to have to leave. INT. BELA'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Bela lies sleeping in bed, pasty and pale. NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS of his hospital stay are tacked up. Ed anxiously tiptoes in. He quietly speaks. ED Bela, wake up. Bela stirs lethargically. Ed puts on a fake smile. ED I've got some good news. The doctor says you're all better. You can come home. BELA (so weak, he's barely audible) Really? I don't feel so great. ED No, you look good. And the tests came back fine. (a poignant pause) C'mon... Ed gingerly helps Bela up. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY Bela slowly gets into Ed's car. BELA Eddie, I wanna make another picture. When are we gonna make another picture? ED Soon, Bela... Soon. CUT TO: INT. CAMERA RENTAL HOUSE - DAY Ed is desperately trying to cut a deal with the OLD MANAGER. ED Please, I just need it for one afternoon! OLD MANAGER Ed, if I cut a deal for you, I gotta cut one for everybody. ED This is different! It'll mean so much to me. All I need is a camera and a tripod. No lights, no sound. Nothin' fancy. OLD MANAGER And that's it? ED And one roll of film. The old guy gives Ed a tough look. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - DAY Bela is dressed in his Sunday finest, standing in front of his little house. He wears a cloak and a wide-brimmed hat. BELA This is so exciting. Another production! WE WIDEN. Out on the lawn... is just Ed. With the camera. BELA So Eddie, don't we need a sound crew? ED No, this is just the second unit. We'll do the main footage later. BELA Oh. So what is the scene about? ED (improvising) Uh... you're a very important and respected man. You're leaving your house... and you're in a hurry to a big social event. Bela nods. He mulls this over. BELA Okay. But what if I'm not in too big a hurry? What if I take a moment to slow down and savor the beauty of life? To smell a flower? ED (he smiles) That's great. Let's do a take. WIDE Bela goes in the front door. Ed gets behind the camera, then turns it ON. ED Okay, roll camera! Rolling. Scene One, Take One! (pause) And... ACTION! There's a moment. And then Bela slowly steps outside, calm, dignified, walking with a cane. He looks about -- and then something catches his eye. He leans down and picks a flower. Bela smells the flower, then abruptly drops it. He starts crying. A pause, and then he composes himself. The old man slowly shuffles out of frame. Ed peers emotionally from behind the camera. ED And, cut... BELA Eddie, how was I? ED (quiet) Perfect. Bela is pleased. BELA Good. (beat) Now what about my close up? CUT TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD DUPLEX - DUSK Ed's Nash convertible pulls up outside a neat little duplex in a nice neighborhood. Ed is dressed up for a date. He checks his hair nervously in the mirror, revealing an anxious boyishness we've never seen before. Ed carries a bouquet of flowers to the front door. He rings the bell. Kathy opens the door. She looks very pretty in a full skirt with a crinolin. KATHY Oh, flowers! I didn't know you were so traditional. ED (a little embarrassed) I just picked them up on the way over... KATHY They're very nice. (she smiles sweetly) Let me get my coat. EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT Ed and Kathy are at a tattered traveling carnival. Rattling steel rides and flashing lights spin about them. They stroll through the crowds eating cotton candy. Kathy wears one of Ed's flowers on her dress. KATHY So have you always lived in L.A.? ED No. I'm from back east. You know, All-American small town... everybody knew everybody, I was a Boy Scout, my dad worked for the post office... KATHY Sounds like you lived in Grovers Corners. INT. SPOOK HOUSE - NIGHT Ed and Kathy ride through the old mechanical spook house. KATHY Did you find it boring? ED Nah, 'cause I had my comic books. And I read pulp magazines. And I listened to the radio dramas... A wooden WITCH jumps out at them. They ignore it. KATHY Oh. I loved those shows! "Inner Sanctum"... "The Shadow" -- ED (getting excited) Yeah! Don't forget "Mercury Theatre"... And then every Saturday, I'd go to the little movie theater down the street. I even started ushering there. A creaky GHOST flies overhead. KATHY You're not gonna believe the first picture I ever saw. Your friend's. ED What do you mean? KATHY "Dracula." Ed freaks out. ED That's INCREDIBLE! That's the first picture I ever saw!! WIDE Mechanical BATS drop down and flap around them. KATHY That is incredible! (beat) You know, I had to sleep with the lights on for a week after seeing that movie. ED I had to sleep with the lights on for a month. (he smiles) But I never missed a Lugosi picture after that. KATHY A few years ago, I actually saw him do "Dracula" live. I thought he was much scarier in person. CLOSEUP - ED He starts at Kathy in wonder. He is overcome. Their car SMASHES through the tin exit doors. EXT. SPOOK HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed and Kathy's little car comes to a stop. He gets very serious. ED Kathy, I'm about to tell you something I've never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know. (beat) I like to wear women's clothes. KATHY Huh? ED I like to wear women's clothes: Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps... it's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you, but I really like you, and I don't want it getting in the way down the road. Kathy is amazed. She contemplates all this. KATHY Does this mean you don't like sex with girls? ED No! I love sex with girls. KATHY Oh. Okay. ED (surprised) Okay? Kathy slyly grins. KATHY Okay. Ed grins back. A moment. CUT TO: INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Ed is on the telephone. We SPLIT-SCREEN with Vampira. ED (on phone) Vampira! Hi, it's Ed Wood. VAMPIRA (on phone) Ed, I told you, I don't wanna go out! ED No, don't worry, I moved on. I was just calling to see if you want to attend the world premiere of my new film, "Bride Of The Monster." VAMPIRA (confused) Didn't you just make one called "Bride Of The Atom"? ED It's the same film. But the distributor wanted a punchier title. C'mon! It's gonna be a big event -- we're going all out! Bela, Tor, and Cris are coming. You'll have fun! Vampira rolls her eyes. CUT TO: EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Hundreds of KIDS and TEENAGERS enter a dilapidated second-run theater. A banner says "'Bride Of The Monster' World Premiere! Celebrities In Person!" EXT. DARK CITY STREET - SAME TIME An antique limousine HEARSE drives down a dingy street. INT. HEARSE Ed drives. Tor, ill Bela, Vampira, and Criswell are crammed in with him, along with bewildered Kathy. Everyone is dressed in gaudy "scary" outfits. Tor wears his frightening WHITE CONTACT LENSES. TOR My eyes are killink me. ED Don't worry. We're almost there. BELA (still hoarse) Eddie, where are we? We passed that carwash twenty minutes ago. CRISWELL I predict we're lost. VAMPIRA (to Bela) Hey! You wanna watch the hands?? Bela sheepishly removes his hand from her thigh. BELA Sorry... ED (he looks around, baffled) Has anyone ever been to Downey? INT. MOVIE THEATER - SAME TIME The audience is so restless, they're practically rioting. They CLAP AND CHANT angrily. A fat patronizing MANAGER steps on stage. THEATER MANAGER Children, if you don't calm down, there won't be the entertainment. ANGRY KID It was supposed to start an hour ago! INT. HEARSE - SAME TIME Tempers are flaring. TOR My eyes are burnink. KATHY Hey look! There's the theater. TOR Where? I can't see nothink! EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The hearse pulls up. A FRANTIC USHER runs over. FRANTIC USHER Thank God, you're here! They're tearing the place apart! The gang awkwardly steps out of the hearse. Tor gets out and blindly walks straight into a lamp post. WHACK! He yelps. TOR Ow. Bela moves slowly, very feeble. Vampira smooths out her slinky black dress, then puts her arm around Bela to help him. FRANTIC USHER C'mon! This way! INT. THEATER - SAME TIME Criswell points Tor in the right direction, and the group stumbles in. Ed escorts excited Kathy. KATHY I've never been to a premiere before. The Usher opens the auditorium doors. INSIDE It's PANDEMONIUM. People are screaming and shouting. Kids jump up and down, on top of the chairs. Bela, Tor, Vaspira, and Criswell are alarmed. The lights dim on and off. Scratchy SPOOKY MUSIC blasts over the sound system. ED Wow. Go knock 'em dead! Criswell pushes blind Tor towards the stage. Tor sticks out his arms and scarily staggers down the aisle. Criswell nervously follows. Vampira escorts Bela. The crowd BOOS. They pelt our gang with popcorn. Tor GROWLS like a monster. Kids LAUGH and jeer. ON ED AND KATHY In back, Ed speaks in a frightening manner into a MICROPHONE: ED (amplified) Ooooo! At the stroke of midnight, the witching hour, the ghouls arise from the dead! DOWN THE AISLE Tor slips in some butter. He tumbles and falls. A WOMAN'S VOICE cackles. WOMAN'S VOICE It's the blind leading the blind! Tor staggers to his feet. All disoriented, he starts walking the wrong direction and falls over a chair. People HECKLE. Criswell quickly helps his up. TOR Dis is a nightmare. CRISWELL It's show biz. Criswell pushes Tor in the right direction. Some roughnecks knock down Criswell and snatch his wallet. A MEAN BOY jumps on his chair, ripping the stuffing out of the seat. He throws the fibers in the air, and they float over Bela and Vampira. BELA What is that? VAMPIRA I think they're getting ready to burn this place down. A HIGH SCHOOL PUNK runs up and grabs Vampira's breasts. HIGH SCHOOL PUNK Hey Vampira, how 'bout a little love? VAMPIRA Fuck off! She impulsively swings her arm and SLAMS the kid. ON STAGE The Manager pleads to the mob. THEATER MANAGER Children, please! Be calm! Somebody throws a bottle and HITS him in the head. He goes down. WIDE The lights suddenly go off. Some girls SCREAM. Ed's panicked. He grabs Kathy and runs down to his friends. ED C'mon! We're getting the hell out of here! Ed rounds up Bela, Tor, Criswell, and Vampira. The crowd BOOS louder. Blind Tor is totally confused. TOR What is happening? ED We're escaping! The group runs up the aisle and leaves. As the doors close, "Bride Of The Monster" starts unspooling on the screen. EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The gang frantically runs out, scared for their lives. They look over. Some JUVENILE DELINQUENTS are stripping the hearse. VAMPIRA We're gonna die. The theater doors CRASH open. The angry mob pours out. Ed spins wildly around... and sees a cab approaching. ED Stop! KATHY STOP! Kathy runs frenziedly into the street and throws herself at the cab. It screeches to a halt. Everybody sprints over and jumps in. The cab ROARS away. INT. CAB - SAME TIME All of them are breathing heavily. They watch in the rear window as they drive away from the rampage. A nervous silence. Until Bela speaks. BELA Now that was a premiere. All of them LAUGH. CUT TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Bela and Ed stroll down the street, in high spirits. Bela smokes a big fat cigar. BELA Last night was quite a romp. ED Did you see that kid grab Vampira's tits? BELA I envied him. (he chuckles) Hell, I envied you too, having a girlfriend that would jump in front of a car like that. ED Yeah, she's really somethin'. BELA I know none of my wives would've. Ed laughs. Bela puffs his cigar. BELA Eddie, I want to thank you. These last few days have been a good time. ED I just wish you coulda seen the movie. BELA No problem. I know it by heart... Bela stops walking. And in a BOOMING, THEATRICAL VOICE, he suddenly launches into his impassioned, climactic speech from "Bride Of The Monster." BELA "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people... a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" Ed is touched. A few people around them APPLAUD. Bela's face lights up, proud. An awed MIDWESTERN TOURIST hands him a pen and paper. TOURIST Mr. Lugosi, could I have your autograph? BELA Certainly. TOURIST Boy, that was incredible. You're just as good an actor as you always were. Bela puffs out his chest majestically. BELA Better. (beat) I'm seventy-four, but I don't know it. If the brain is young, then the spirit is still vigorous... like a young man. Bela turns and smiles wanly at Ed. Ed smiles back. CUT TO: INT. ED'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Ed and Kathy stand in his kitchen, making dinner. She sticks her finger in a pot. KATHY Ed, this spaghetti sauce is delicious. ED Thanks. It's actually the only thing I know how to make. (he motions) Hey, can you grab that strainer? She holds a strainer. Ed pours the spaghetti over it. Suddenly the PHONE rings. Ed groans. ED Ugh! Always at the wrong time. (he ANSWERS the phone) Hello? He listens. And then, he gets a very somber expression. ED Oh no... Ed HANGS UP the phone. He looks pained. KATHY What was that? ED (quiet) Bela died. CUT TO: INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY It's Bela's funeral. Ed sits crying in the front row, with Kathy at his side. All Bela's friends are there. They're very subdued. THE CASKET Bela lies inside, made up in his full Dracula outfit. His hair is died black, and he wears the famous cape. EXT. HOLY CROSS CEMETERY - DAY On a grassy hill, Bela is laid to rest. The small crowd of mourners stands silhouetted against the dark gray clouds. The coffin is lowered into the ground. Ed stands at the front, silently watching. AT A DISTANCE A few TABLOID PHOTOGRAPHERS snap pictures. PHOTOGRAPHER #1 Whose crazy idea was it to bury him in the cape? PHOTOGRAPHER #2 I heard it was in the will. It was how he wanted to be remembered. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY Ed is alone in a darkened screening room, depressed. Playing on the SCREEN is the last footage of Bela: Bela stumbles around in front of his house and smells the flower. Ed drinks out of a flask. The film runs out. A VOICE comes over a loudspeaker. VOICE Do you want me to run it again? Ed silently nods. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed's apartment has gone to hell. Ed is in a robe, unshaven and clutching a bottle of whiskey. Newspapers are everywhere. Bela's and Ed's dogs eat out of the trash. Kathy tries to straighten things up. Ed stares listlessly. ED I'd seen him in a coffin so many times, I expected him to jump out... KATHY Ed, you've got to snap out of this. Bela's dead -- you're not! ED I might as well be. I made shitty movies that nobody wanted to see. (beat) I blew it. All he wanted was a comeback... that last glory... KATHY Well you tried -- ED (angry) I was a fuckin' HACK! I let people recut the movies, cast their relatives... (beat) I let Bela down... CUT TO: EXT. ED'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A new Studebaker pulls up. A bumper sticker says "JESUS SAVES" A man in a plain brown suit steps out. This is J. EDWARD REYNOLDS, 50, Ed's santironious southern Christian landlord. Reynolds assertively bangs on Ed's front door. REYNOLDS Mr. Wood?! ED (O.S.) Hruphh...? REYNOLDS Mr. Wood, this is Mr. Reynolds, your landlord. Could you please open up? The door opens a crack. Bleary Ed peers out. ED Yeah...? REYNOLDS Mr. Wood, you have bounced your third and final rent check. ED (he sloppily lies) I'm real sorry. My stockbroker must have transferred the wrong account... C'mon in, I'll write you another one. INT. APARTMENT - SAME TIME Ed motions Reynolds in. Reynolds peers unsurely at the tornado inside. Then he notices a framed one-sheet for "BRIDE OF THE MONSTER." Reynolds admires it. REYNOLDS Hmm, so you're in the picture business? ED (rummaging for a check) You could say that -- REYNOLDS I'm interested in the picture business. My associates and I wish to produce a series of uplifting religious films, on the Apostles. But unfortunately, we don't have enough money. ED (distracted) Raising money is tough. REYNOLDS Oh! Our church has the money for one film. We just don't have it for all twelve... ANGLE - ED His eyes suddenly pop. The color comes back to his fact. A plan is quickly boiling over inside Ed's head. He starts feverishly pacing around. ED Okay -- you know what you do? You produce a film in a commercially proven genre. And after it's a hit, you take the profits from that, and make the twelve Apostles' movies. REYNOLDS Would that work? ED Absolutely! You see this script..? Ed randomly grabs a script off the messy floor, then glances down, to see which one he picked up. It says "Graverobbers From Outer Space." ED "Graverobbers From Outer Space"! It's money in the bank. REYNOLDS Graverobbers from what?? ED From outer space! It's science- fiction. Very big with the kids! If you make this picture, you'll have enough money to finance a HUNDRED religious films! (beat) And pay my back rent from the profits. Reynolds scratches his head. REYNOLDS I don't know... this is all a lot to absorb. ED It's a guaranteed blockbuster! REYNOLDS Um, I understand that this science friction is popular -- but don't the big hits always have big stars? ED (in a frenzy) Yeah, well we've GOT a big star! Bela Lugosi!! REYNOLDS (mystified) Lugosi??! Didn't be pass on? Ed grins maniacally. He grabs a SMALL REEL of 35mm film. ED Yes, but I've got the last footage he ever shot! REYNOLDS Just, it doesn't look like very much. ED It's plenty! It's the acorn that will grow a great oak. I'll just find a double to finish his scenes, and we'll release it as "Bela Lugosi's Final Film" A beat. Reynolds stares, intrigued... CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATER The place is cleaned-up. Ed shouts excitedly into the phone. ED Bunny! We're making another film! Yeah -- I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash! Paul sticks his head in. PAUL MARCO Ed, I got the Lugosi lookalikes outside. ED Great! Bring 'em in! Bunny, I gotta run. Ed hangs up. Paul leads in THREE. They look nothing like Bela. One is a HOMELESS BUM, one is a SHORT FAT MAN, and one is CHINESE. Ed inspects them. ED Too tall... too short... (he glances at the Chinese guy) And this guy doesn't work at all. PAUL MARCO Well I was thinkin' like, when Bela played "Fu Manchu." ED That was Karloff. (beat) Paul, you gotta try harder. I don't want this film to be haif-assed. This time, we go for the quality. Paul turns to go. ED And by the way, keep Sunday free. The producers want all of us to get baptized. CUT TO: INT. KATHY'S APARTMENT - DAY Kathy reads a newspaper while knitting an angora sweater. Ed is typing deliriously fast -- in one of his artistic fevers. ED You know, when you rewrite a script, it just gets better and better! KATHY Do you want your buttons on the left or the right? ED The left. It's more natural. (he squints at his script) Hey, I've got a scene where the aliens have the ultimate bomb. What would that be made of? KATHY Uh, atomic energy? ED No. They're beyond that! They're smarter than the humans. What's more advanced? KATHY Dynamite -- ED No, BIGGER! What's the biggest energy?? KATHY The sun. ED (ecstatic) Yes! BINGO! Solar energy! Oh that's gonna seem so scientific. (he resumes TYPING) This movie's gonna be the ultimate Ed Wood film. No compromises. Kathy suddenly jumps up, shocked. KATHY Oh my God. Look at this! She runs over and shows Ed the newspaper. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER A small headline says "VAMPIRA REVEALED TO BE RED." Underneath is the story: "Channel 7 has fired popular horror hostess Vampira, after learning of her suspected communist leanings..." ON ED AND KATHY They're astonished. ED Those assholes. KATHY The poor girl's out of a job. ED Yeah... (he looks up) I should give her a call. CUT TO: INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Ed and Kathy sit with a shaken-up Vampira. ED I'm really sorry... VAMPIRA It's terrible. People won't even return my calls. It's like I don't exist. ED I know what that's like. (he pulls out his SCRIPT) Anyway, I brought a copy of the script. You would play the "Ghoul's Wife." VAMPIRA (she grimaces) The Ghoul's Wife?! God, I can't believe I'm doing this... KATHY You should feel lucky. Ed's the only guy in town who doesn't pass judgment on people. ED (he laughs) Hell, if I did, I wouldn't have any friends. Vampira smiles uncomfortably. VAMPIRA Look... would it be possible to make the "Ghoul's Wife" a little less prominent, so people won't really notice me in the movie? ED You don't wanna be noticed? VAMPIRA Exactly. Hey, how 'bout this -- what if I don't have any lines? I'll do the part mute! Kathy suddenly sees someone. KATHY Look, it's Dr. Tom. (she SHOUTS) Hey, Dr. Tom! ED Who's Dr. Tom? KATHY My chiropractor! DR. TOM MASON, a tall, slender 35-year-old chiropractor, strides over. He smiles. DR. MASON Kathy, how are you?! You're looking in alignment today. KATHY Actually, my neck's a little funny. Dr. Mason grabs Kathy's neck and CRACKS it loudly. ON ED Ed stares at the Doctor in astonishment. Ed is riveted. ED Wait a second. Don't move! Ed excitedly jumps up, takes his NAPXIN, and covers the Doctor's face from the nose down. ED It's uncanny. VAMPIRA What's uncanny? ED LOOK AT HIS SKULL! CUT TO: INT. BAPTIST CHURCH OF BEVERLY HILLS - DAY Services are in progress. J. Edward Reynolds leads a CHOIR singing an emotional SPIRITUAL. Ed, Tor, Criswell, Paul, Conrad, Vampira, Kathy, Bunny, and Dr. Tom Mason sit in back. They're all wearing white robes and arguing about the doctor. TOR He look nutink like Bela! CONRAD He's kinds got his ears. TOR You're stupid! KATHY No, cover up his face. Kathy lifts Dr. Mason's robe over his bewildered face. CRISWELL Ah! Now I see it. DR. MASON (goofily imitating Bela) "I want to suck your blood!" Everybody CRACKS up. Ed waves his arms. ED SHHH! We want these Baptists to like us. Like bad kids, they quiet down. Ingenuous Southern REVEREND LYN LEMON speaks up front. REVEREND LEMON Brothers and Sisters, we've reached a special part of the service. The baptism of our new members! (beat) If the congregation will oblige, we'd like to adjourn and reconvene at Emma DuBois's back yard. EXT. BACKYARD - DAY The straight-laced, devout CONGREGATION is gathered around a large SWIMMING POOL. Reverend Lemon, Reynolds, and our misfits stand in the shallow end, in their white robes. Criswell whispers to Vampira. CRISWELL Why couldn't we do this in the church? VAMPIRA Because "Brother Torî couldn't fit in the sacred tub. MONTAGE: THE REVEREND BAPTIZES ED REVEREND LEMON ...Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior? ED I do. Reynolds DUNKS Ed in the water. THE REVEREND BAPTIZES BUNNY REVEREND LEMON ...Do you reject Satan and all his works? BUNNY (hiding a smirk) I do. Reynolds DUNKS Bunny. THE REVEREND BAPTIZES TOR REVEREND LEMON ...Do you repent for all your sins? TOR I do. Tor winks slyly at Criswell. Reynolds DUNKS Tor. But Tor slips from Reynolds' grasp and sinks to the bottom of the pool. REYNOLDS Oh my God, I dropped him -- Tor lies on the bottom, staring lifeinsly. CRISWELL (mischievous) I don't think he's coming up! REVEREND LEMON Lord no! The man's drowning! REYNOLDS (scared) What do we do?! REVEREND LEMON Help! HELP!!! The whole Congregation starts JUMPING IN. Men and women in their Sunday finest leap into the pool and start tugging on Tor. But nobody can budge the big whale. REVEREND LEMON (near tears) Dear Jesus, please forgive us! ON TOR He suddenly rises, Poseidon-like, from the pool. Tor spits out water, then lets out a hearty BELLY LAVGH. TOR Tor make good joke! The Baptists aren't amused. CUT TO: INT. CITY BUS - MORNING A bus drives along. Every PASSENGER stares at something up front -- Vampira, in her slinky black outfit. She reads a "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" script. EXT. SCUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD - SAME TIME The bus stops in a scary, run-down neighborhood. Vampira off and warily looks around. VAMPIRA This can't be the right address... She nervously walks down a dingy alley. Vampira gets to an unmarked grimy door, gulps, then slowly opens it... INT. WAREHOUSE SOUNDSTAGE - DAY And inside is the "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" famous CEMETERY SET! The film is in production! Packed into a stinking little studio are a few scrawny twigs, branches, and flimsy cardboard tombstones set against a black drop. Tot struts about gregariously, in his "Inspector Clay" suit. He chats up the CREW. TOR I am so happy! Finally I am star wit dialogue! I memorized every wordt. Eddie will be so proud! The Baptists chase Ed around. They wave the script. REYNOLDS Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions -- REVEREND LEMON The script refers on numerous occasions to graverobbing. Now we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground highly offensive. It's blasphemy. ED (very annoyed) What are you talking about?! It's the premise of the movie. It's even the title, for Christ's sake! REVEREND LEMON (shocked) Mr. Wood! REYNOLDS Yes, about that title, it strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don't we change it to "Plan Nine From Outer Space"? Ed shakes his head. ED That's ridiculous! WIPE TO: CEMETERY SET They're filming the COPS arriving at the pitch-black cemetery. There's a prop police car, and an assistant blows fog in. ED And, ACTION! Tor steps onto the set TOR (as Inspector Clay) "Medicul eksaminer been aroundt yet?" COP "Just left. The morgue wagon oughta be along most any time." TOR "You get statement frumk vitnesses?" COP "Yeah, but they're pretty scared." TOR "Findink mess like dis oughta make anyone frightened. Have one of da boyz take dem back to town. You take jarge." ON THE CREW Everybody grices, trying to understand Tor. The SCRIPT GIRL shakes her head. The Baptists angrily pull Ed aside. REYNOLDS What'd you give him all the lines for?? He's unintelligible! ED Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira won't talk. Ihad to give somebody the dialogue. REVEREND LEMON That's not an answer. WIPE TO: ANOTHER SCENE BEING SHOT - LATER As Inspector Clay, Tor wanders around the "cemtery," waving his flashlight and nervously fingering his gun. Ed grins at the Baptists. ED See, no talking. Isn't he good? (he grabs his MEGAPHONE) CUE DR. TOM! DR. TOM (o.s.) Now? ED YES, NOW! LURK HIM. AND BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED! The door of a large paper-mache crypt creeps open. Dr. Tom uncertainly steps out, impersonating Bela. He holds the cape over his face and stalks Tor. Ed is pleased as punch. He whispers to the Baptists. ED Isn't it wonderful? Bela lives! REVEREND LEMON Doesn't this strike you as a bit morbid? ED No, he would've loved it! Bela's returned from the grave -- like Dracula. (he grabs the MEGAPHONE) CUE VAMPIRA! Vampira steps out, walking in a trance. Tor is now cornered. He fruitlessly FIRES his gun, but bullets can't stop zombies. Vampira and Dr. Tom kill him. Tor screams. WIPE TO: ANOTHER SCENE GETS SHOT - LATER Paul and Conrad are scared cops exploring the cemetery. CONRAD (as a cop) "Let's go down and find out whose grave it is." PAUL MARCO (as a cop) "Why do I always get hooked up with these spook details? Monsters! Graves! Bodies!" ED CUE THE FLYING SAUCER, RAY! Off-stage, a grip on a ladder pans a 10K SEARCHLIGHT. The LIGHT crosses the actors. They look up in horror, then clumsily fall down. A rickety fake tombstone tips over. ED And PERFECT. CUT! REYNOLDS (freaking out) "Perfect"? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?! ED I like to think so. REYNOLDS That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony! ED People won't notice. Filmmaking isn't about picky details -- it's about the big picture. REYNOLDS Oh, you wanna talk about the "big picture"?! How 'bout that the policemen arrive in the daylight, but now it's suddenly night??? Ed suddenly flips out. He's livid. ED YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! Haven't you ever heard of "suspension of disbelief"?! A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN walks up. He smiles at the Baptists, STRAPPING YOUNG MAN Reverend, I'm here. ED (baffled) Who's he? REVEREND LEMON This is our choir director. He's gonna play the young hero. ED (furious) Are you IN5ANE? I'm the director! I make the casting decisions around here! REVEREND LEMON I thought this was a group effort. ED NOOOOO!!! Ed spastically storms away. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Ed bursts in. He paces about, hysterically traumatized. ED They're driving me crazy! These Baptists are stupid, stupid, STUPID! Ed glances at a clothing rack -- and sees an ANGORA SWEATER. Ed is taken aback. He slowly removes it from the hanger and rubs it against his face. His breathing slows. ED Mmm. I need to calm... Take deep breaths... (he rubs the angora) Ohh, it's so smooth... INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME The dressing room door flies open. Ed slowly struts out, in the sweater, pantsuit, and pumps. He is calmed and at ease. The stage quiets. People are staring. ED Okay, everyone! Let's set up for Scene 112! Move the crypt stage left and get ready with Tor's make-up effect. The crew resumes working. But the Baptists charge up, aghast. REVEREND LEMON Mr. Wood? What do you think you're doing?! ED I'm directing. REYNOLDS Not like THAT, you're not! REVEREND LEMON Remove that get-up immediately. You shame our Lord. Ed throws up his hands. ED That's it. I give up! CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY Ed frantically marches out of the building. He's still in his ladies' outfit. Ed sees a cab and WHISTLES loudly. The cab pulls over. Ed jumps in. ED Take me to the nearest bar. CUT TO: INT. MUSSO & FRANKS - DAY The place is quiet, mid-morning. Frazzled Ed enters and sits at the bar. ED Imperial whiskey, straight up. The bartender nonchalantly pours a shot. Ed takes the drink. He quietly sips his booze and reflects upon his day. Ed glances around. And then, suddenly -- his eyes widen. Sitting at a table is ORSON WELLES! The portly, world-famous filmmaker sits alone, eating lunch with one hand and drawing STORYBOARDS with the other. Ed is thunderstruck. ED Oh my God. It's Orson Welles... Ed nervously stands. He starts to step forward -- when he catches his own reflection in a mirror. He's still in drag. ED Oh shit. Ed rolls his eyes. He runs his hand through his hair, then slowly approaches Orson Welles. Ed is terrified. ED Excuse me, Sir...? ORSON WELLES (he casually looks up) Yes? ED Uh, uh, I'm a young filmmaker, and a really big fan... and I just wanted to meet you. ORSON WELLES (he extends his hand) My pleasure. I'm Orson Welles. ED Oh. Um, I'm Ed Wood! (he smiles anxiously) So, what are you working on now? ORSON WELLES Eh, the financing just fell through for the third time on "Don Quixote." So I'm trying to finish a promo for something else. But I can't find the soundtrack -- (he shrugs) I think I left it in Malta. Ed is astonished. ED I can't believe it. These sound like my problems! ORSON WELLES It's the damn money men. You never know who's a windbag, and who's got the goods. And then they all think they're a director... ED Ain't that the truth! I've even bad producers recut my movies -- ORSON WELLES Ugh, I hate when that happens. ED (on a roll) And they always want to cast their buddies -- it doesn't even matter if they're right for the part! ORSON WELLES Tell me about it. I'm supposed to do a thriller at Universal, and they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican! Ed shakes his head. He's discouraged. ED Mr. Welles, is it all worth it? ORSON WELLES It is when it works. (solemn) You know the one film of mine I can stand to watch? "Kane." The studio hated it... but they didn't get to touch a frame. (he smiles warmly) Ed, visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else's dreams? CLOSEUP - ED He has seen God. ED Wow. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY Ed bursts onto the stage, a changed man. Re-energized, he confidently grabs the Baptists. ED Mr. Reynolds! REYNOLDS Yes? ED We are gonna finish this film just the way I want it! Because you can't compromise an artist's vision! REVEREND LEMON (flustered) B-but it's our money -- ED And you're gonna make a bundle. This movie's gonna be famous! But only if you SHUT UP, and let me do it my way! Reynolds and Rev. Lemon are speechiess. CLOSEUP - ED He beams, turns and SHOUTS TRIUMPHANTLY into the soundstage. ED ALRIGHT! ACTORS IN POSITION! LET'S FINISH THIS PICTURE!! WIPE TO: "PLAN 9" MONTAGE: SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET Tor plays a zombie rising from the dead. He wears the scary white contact lenses. Tor's so big, he has trouble lifting himself from the grave. EDITING ROOM Ed and his stock footage buddy watch a moviola. ED Okay, I want that tank! And I want that bomb! SOUNDSTAGE Harry paints Bunny's face GREEN, like a Martian. Ed yells. ED NO! The aliens should look like people. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm tellin' ya, aliens are always green. ED Not in my movie, they're not! SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET Bunny's make-up is now normal. He wears an alien suit. A HAMMY ALIEN enters and salutes with a bizarre crossing gesture. BUNNY "What plan will we follow?" HAMMY ALIEN "Plan Nine." BUNNY "Plan Nine..." (he consults his papers) "Ah yes. Plan Nine deals with the resurrection of the dead." SCENE IN THE CEMETERY Tor staggers up to Paul Marco and CLOBBERS him. OFF-STAGE Ed smiles at the Baptists. ED Maybe you guys were right. "Plan Nine" is a good title. MINIATURE CITY SET Ed shoots the famous flying saucers. Paul holds a paper plate and Conrad lights it on fire. The "saucer" soars on fishing line over a little miniature town. SCENE IN THE BEDROOM SET Dr. Tom glides in, his cape over his face. A woman SCREAMS. COCKPIT SET Ed stands in front of a masonite board and two chairs. An actor playing the AIRPLANE PILOT walks up. PILOT Where's the cockpit set? ED You're standing in it. (he yells off) Alright, bring in the shower curtain! A shower curtain gets lowered into the doorway. EXT. DUSTY ROAD A car zooms by. Kathy drives, as Ed shoots handheld out the back window. SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET Th Hammy Alien argues with the humans. PILOT "So what if we develop this solarnite bomb? We'd be even a stronger nation." HAMMY ALIEN "Stronger? You see! You see!! Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!" PILOT "That's all I'm taking from you." He WHACKS the alien. A brawl breaks out. SCENE WITH CRISWELL Criswell lectures behind a desk, with mysterious lighting CRISWELL "Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it. For they will be from outer space." SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET The famous shot: Tor and Vampira walk in a trance through foggy cemetery. Off-stage, Ed stands with the crew. He shouts gleefully. ED More fog! More fog!! (he beams) And CUT! PRINT IT! IT'S A WRAP! END MONTAGE. CUT TO: EXT. CITY - NIGHT It's pouring rain. Standing in the drench is Ed. He's wearing a tux, and fighting with his open convertible top. The Rambler is filled with water. Kathy stands under an awning. She wears a pretty gown. ED I can't get it to go up. KATHY Ed, you're gonna miss your own premiere. ED (he gives up) C'mon! Let's just go. Ed impulsively opens the car door. Water pours out. Kathy scurries out and jumps in the wet car with him. EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT The rain is gushing down. The marquee proclaims "WORLD PREMIERE: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!" People hurry in. Ed and Kathy roar up in the open convertible, totally soaked. He jumps out, opens her door, and they run inside. INT. THEATER - NIGHT The theater is packed. All the gang, and their friends and families, are gathered. Criswell stands on-stage, speaking into a mike. CRISWELL You are about to see en extraordinary motion picture. But before it begins, I think we ought to give a hand to the man without whom we wouldn't be here tonight... Eddie, take a bow! The crowd ERUPTS in applause. Everybody goes crazy -- even the Baptists. People YELL "Speech! Speech!" Ed smiles proudly. Kathy kisses him. Ed runs down front, hugs Criswell, then takes the microphone. ED Thanks a million. I just wanna say... this film is for Bela. The lights dim. DISSOLVE TO: MINUTES LATER The title "PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE" is projected onto the screen. As random IMAGES from the film play out, we drift over the happy faces of our friends watching. Paul and Conrad stare, enthralled. Tor laughs as he sees himself. Vampira giggles. Bunny nudges her playfully. Criswell mouths his own lines. ON SCREEN Bela appears, in his little suit. In the last footage he ever shot, he shuffles around in front of his house, then tenderly smells the flower. ON ED He watches, entranced. Then he smiles to himself. ED This is the one. I know I'll be remembered for this film. CUT TO: INT. THEATER LOBBY - LATER The BOISTEROUS crowd is in high spirits. People congratulate Ed and pat him on the back. "It was great!" "It's your best one yet!" "Bela would've loved it!" Ed drifts through the crowd, basking in the glory. It's like a wonderful dream. EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The rain comes down in sheets. The doors burst open, and Ed and Kathy run out. KATHY Ed, I'm so happy for you. ED Let's get married. KATHY (startled) Huh?! ED Right now. Let's drive to Vegas! KATHY But it's pouring. And the car top is stuck! ED (he gives his killer grin) So? It's only a five-hour drive. And it'll probably clear up, once we hit the desert. Heck, it'll probably clear up once we drive around the corner. I promise. Kathy stares in disbelief. Then she smiles. They kiss. Ed and Kathy jump into the open convertible. The engine starts, and they drive away, disappearing into the pouring rain. A moment. And then, we move up, up, into the black clouds. Lightning CRACKS across the sky. OPTICAL: We slowly PULL OUT from the sky, move through a window... and we're back inside INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT Criswell is sitting inside his coffin. He stares at us. CRISWELL My friend, you have just seen the story of Edward D. Wood, Junior. Stranger than fact... and yet every incident based on sworn testimony. (his eyes gleam) A man. A life. Can you prove it didn't happen? A beat, to ponder this. And then Criswell slowly lies back in his coffin, and the lid mysteriously closes over him. FADE OUT. THE ENDED WOOD by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski Directed by Tim Burton FIRST DRAFT November 20, 1992 FADE IN: INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT We move through a spooky shrouded parlor, as a storm rages outside. THUNDER roars, and lightning flashes in the giant windows. in the center of the room lies an oak coffin. Suddenly the lid starts to creak open. A hand crawls past the edge... and then the lid slams up! Famed psychic CRISWELL pops out. Criswell, 40, peers at us intently, his gleaming eyes framed under his striking pale blonde hair. He intones, with absolute conviction: CRISWELL Greetings, my friend. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable... that is why you are here. So now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened... (extremely serious) We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your hearts stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood, Junior?? EXT. NIGHT SKY Lightning CRACKS. We drift down past the dark clouds... through the torrential rain... and end up... OPTICAL: EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT We've landed in Hollywood, 1952. We're outside a teeny, grungy playhouse. The cracked marquee proclaims "'THE CASUAL COMPANY,' WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY EDWARD D. WOOD, JR." Pacing nervously in the rain is ED WOOD, 30, our hero. Larger-than-life charismatic, confident, Errol Flynn-style handsome, Ed is a human magnet. He's a classically flawed optimist: Sweet and well-intentioned, yet doomed by his demons within. The doors open, and Ed's pal JOHN "BUNNY" BRECKINRIDGE, 45, hurries out. Bunny is a wealthy, theatrical fop wearing a string of pearls. [PAGE 2 MISSING] Suddenly the rest of the cast runs up, frantically upset. In a flowing white dress is DOLORES FULLER, 23, a sharp, hungry- for-a-career ingenue. She's near tears. DOLORES Eddie, my dove just flew out the window! CREW MEMBER She goes on in two minutes! What are we gonna do?? They all look to Ed, awaiting a response. He thinks a second, then excitedly CLAPS his hands. ED Dolores, give me your shoes. DOLORES What? ED The ghost can be barefoot. Give me your shoes! She hands Ed her white shoes. He snatches one, grabs a pair of scissors, and starts CUTTING up the shoe. Everyone is baffled. He keeps cutting the shoe... and it slowly takes on the shape of a dove! Ed then grabs some pipe cleaners, works them into a shape, and sprints into the dressing room. He takes some green eye shadow and excitedly smears it on the pipe cleaners. Ed then hurries back out, jams the green pipe cleaners into the cut-up shoe... and it looks like a dove with an olive branch in its mouth! The cast is flabbergasted. CREW MEMBER Wow. BACK ONSTAGE The soldiers suddenly look up. ACTOR #1 Hey, I think I see something! Dolores floats down onto the stage, holding out the dove. DOLORES I offer you mortals the bird of peace, so that you may change your ways and end all this destruction. CUT TO: INT. SCRUFFY COFFEE SHOP - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his gang celebrate opening night in a dirty 24-hour diner. They're noisily slugging down drinks, in a big red booth. ED What a show! Everyone was terrific! Paul, your second-act monologue actually gave me chills, He grins at Actor #1, aka PAUL MARCO, a young eager beaver who's loyal like a dog. PAUL MARCO Aw thanks, Eddie. Actor #2, aka CONRAD BROOKS, a friendly, simple-minded lug, runs up waving a newspaper. CONRAD I got the early edition! It was just dropped off at the newsstand. ED (he smiles at everyone) This is the big moment...! Ed opens the paper to the entertainment page. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER. Ed turns to a column, "The Theatrical Life, By Victor Crowley." Under this is a photograph of an old man with an ascot. WIDE Everybody excitedly crowds around and starts reading. A moment... and then their faces drop. Clearly, this is a disastrous review. Their faces get sadder, and sadder... and then they finish. A melancholy beat, until -- BUNNY What does that old queen know? He wasn't even there! (he knocks back a drink) Sending a copy boy to do his dirty work. Well fuck him! DOLORES Do I really have a face like a horse? PAUL MARCO What does "ostentatious" mean? Ed calmly waves his arms for attention. He tries to smile. ED Hey. Hey, it's not that bad. You just can't concentrate on the negative. He's got some nice things to say... (he scans the review) See, "The soldier costumes are very realistic." That's positive! Everyone kind of stares at their drinks, depressed. Ed launches into an upbeat speech. ED Hell, I've seen a lot worse reviews. I've seen ones where they didn't even like the costumes! Like, that last "Francis the Mule" picture -- it got terrible notices. But it was a huge hit. PAUL MARCO Lines around the block. ED So don't take it too seriously. We're all doin' great work. CONRAD You really think so? ED Absolutely! It's just the beginning. I promise this: If we stick together, one day I'll make every single one of you famous. He smiles at everyone at the table. They all believe what he says, and there is a hushed moment of dream-filled hope. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES' APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores lie in bed, in the dark. He stares vulnerably at her. ED Honey, what if I'm wrong? What if I just don't have it? DOLORES Ed, it was only one review. ED Orson Welles was 26 when he made "Citizen Kane." I'm already 30! DOLORES Ed, you're still young. This is the part of your life when you're supposed to be struggling. ED I know... But sometimes I get scared this is as good as it's gonna get... Dolores kisses Ed affectionately. DOLORES Things'll change for us. Nobody stays on the fringe forever. She gets out of bed. We see her tiny apartment is drab and crumbling. Dolores turns on the shower, then walks to the closet. She looks inside. DOLORES God, where's my pink sweater? I can never find my clothes anymore... ANGLE - ED He rolls over in bed, away from her. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY CU on Ed reading "The Hollywood Reporter." A RUDE BOSS in suspenders suddenly strides up. RUDE BOSS Hey big shot, get off your ass. They need a potted palm over in the Carl Laemmle Building. ED Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz. Ed jumps up. We WIDEN, revealing he's in a giant greenhouse, packed with rows of potted plants and shrubs. Ed grabs a small palm tree and hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed strolls across the busy movie lot, lugging the palm. He passes a soundstage and notices the stage door open a crack. Ed glances around, then puts down the palm and hurries in. INT. SOUNDSTAGE ó SAME TIME A big-budget foreign legion movie is shooting, with a huge cast and crew. A giant desert set has been erected, with camels and real sand dunes. Ed is blown away. ED Whoa, look at all this sand. This is real sand! My God, where'd they get all this sand?! A SECURITY GUARD sees him. SECURITY GUARD Hey, YOU. This is a closed set. Ed is caught. He hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO ó DAY Ed continues across the lot, carrying his palm tree. An OLD CRUSTY MAN sticks his head out an office window. OLD CRUSTY MAN Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got some great new stuff to show you. Ed puts down the plant again and runs in. INT. EDITING ROOMS ó DAY The old guy is proudly showing Ed STOCK FOOTAGE on a moviola. The footage is totally random: Giant explosions, buffalos stampeding, tanks, an octopus swimming, etc. Ed is dazzled. ED This is fantastic! What are you gonna do with it all? OLD CRUSTY MAN Eh, probably file it away and never see it again. ED It's such a waste. If I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie out of this stock footage! (getting inspired) See, the story opens with these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So the military is called in to solve the mystery. OLD CRUSTY MAN Ya forgot the octopus. ED No, I'm saving that for the big underwater climax! The old guy cackles. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed finally carries the tree into the Laemmle Building. INT. STUDIO OFFICES - SAME TIME Young SECRETARIES in June Cleaver hairdos are giggling. SECRETARY #1 They say he was a girl trapped in a man's body. SECRETARY #2 I'll bet it hurt when they snipped his thing off. EEWWW! All the girls shriek in horror. Ed walks in and puts down his plant. ED What are you ladies gabbin' about? SECRETARY #1 You know that Christine Jorgensen freak? He/she/it's in "Variety." Some producer is making a biopic. ED (startled) R-really? I didn't see the story. SECRETARY #1 Ah, it was buried in the back. The guy's a real smallótime operator. She holds up her "Variety." Ed hurriedly takes it. CUT TO: INSERT - VARIETY The story headline says "BOYóTOóCHICK FLICK TO CLICK." We PULL OUT, revealing we're now in INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY Ed holds the newspaper while he paces around his apartment. The place has threadbare carpet, faded wallpaper, and an electric burner for a kitchen. A handful of mangy DOGS run around. Tacked-up are movie posters for "DRACULA," "FREAKS," and "THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS." Dolores talks on the phone, while Ed silently coaches her. DOLORES (on phone) Yes, I've got Mr. Edward Wood on the line. Could you please hold? Ed gives her a thumbs up -- perfect! He confidently takes the phone. ED (on phone) Hello, Mr. Weiss? I heard about your new project and was curious if you signed a director. Oh -- you haven't? Well, if we could get together, I could explain why I'm more qualified to direct this than anyone else in town. (beat) Uh, I'd rather not go into it over the phone... Alright. Great! l'll see you then! Ed hangs up and YELPS excitedly. He kisses Dolores. She pulls away. DOLORES Eddie, I don't understand. Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen Story? ED (nervous, he lies) Aw, er, it's just a bunch of hot air. I had to say something to get in the door. CUT TO: INT. LOW-RENT HALLWAY - DAY Ed walks jauntily along, wearing a snappy suit. He reaches a door that says "SCREEN CLASSICS ó George Weiss, President." Ed fixes his hair, checks his clothes, then enters. INT. SCREEN CLASSICS ó SAME TIME It's a crowded root, piled with paperwork and files. Film cans are stacked everywhere, and framed oneósheets for "TEST TUBE BABIES," "BLONDE PICKUP" and "GIRL GANG" litter the cracked walls. Sitting behind the messy desk is GEORGIE WEISS, 60, a rug merchant turned exploitation film producer. He juggles a large sandwich and angrily barks into the phone. GEORGIE (on phone) Look, when I said you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all eleven states! I meant California, Oregon, and uh, what's that one above it... Washington. Oh really?! Well screw you! Georgie slams down the phone. He smiles warmly at Ed. GEORGIE Can I help you? ED Yes, I'm Ed Wood. I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture. GEORGIE Yeah, well a couple of things have changed. It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn "Variety" printed the story before I had the rights, and now that bitch is asking for the sky. ED (disappointed) So you're not gonna make the movie? GEORGIE No, of COURSE I'm gonna make the movie! I've already preósold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies really go for that twisted pervert stuff. So we'll just make it without that she-male. We'll fictitionalize it. Georgie bites into his sandwich. Ed is dazed. ED Is there a script? GEORGIE Fuck no! But there's a poster. Georgie pulls out artwork of a hermaphrodite: Man on the left side, woman on the right. The lettering screams, "I CHANGED MY SEX!" GEORGIE It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa. ED (mustering up his courage) Well, Mr. Weiss, I'm your guy. I work fast, and I'm a deal: I write AND direct. And I'm good. I just did a play in Hollywood, and Victor Crowley praised its realism. GEORGIE Hmm. There's five-hundred guys in town who can tell me the same thing. You said on the phone you had some kind of "special qualifications." Ed takes a measured piuse. This is his big revelation. ED Well, Mr. Weiss, I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you... but I really want this job. (he gulps) I like to dress in women's clothing. GEORGIE Are you a fruit? ED No, no, not at all! I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them. GEORGIE So you're not a fruit? ED Nah, I'm all man. I even fought in WW2. (beat) 'Course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments under my uniform. GEORGIE You gotta be kiddin' me. ED Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties. I'll tell ya, I wasn't scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded, and having the medics discover my secret. Georgie sits back. It's a hell of a story. GEORGIE And this is why you think you're the most qualified to make my movie? ED Yeah. I know what it's like to live with a secret, and worry about what people are gonna think of you... My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out. Georgie shrugs. GEORGIE Ed, you seem like a nice kid, but look around you... (he gestures at the posters) I don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories. I make movies like "Chained Girls." I need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days that'll make me a profit. (beat) I'm sorry. That's all that matters. CUT TO: INT. BAR ó DAY Ed sits morosely in a scuzzy bar, three empty shot glasses in front of him. A BARTENDER ambles over. BARTENDER Are you gonna get something else? Ed glumly empties his pocket. All he has is change. Ed sighs, and staggers out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, his head hanging low. A restaurant door opens, and an EISENHOWER ERA NUCLEAR FAMILY exits. Whitebread Dad, Mom, Son, and Daughter stride out in their starched clean clothes. They march obliviously past Ed. He watches them go, then continues. Ed reaches a building, "HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY," and glances in the window. A pause, then he does a doubletake. THROUGH THE WINDOW The showroom is filled with sample coffins. Lying inside one is BELA LUGOSI. ANGLE - ED He is flabbergasted. INT. HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY - SAME TIME Lugosi slowly sits up inside the coffin. Bela is an aged 70- year-old man, once a great star, now a faded memory trying to hang on to his nobility. Quite frail and tired, he is still a master of the grand gesture. An UNCTUOUS SALESMAN steps up. Bela speaks, in a thick Hungarian ACCENT which gives him an Old World elegance. BELA Too constrictive. This is the most uncomfortable coffin I have ever been in. SALESMAN Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I've never had any complaints before. BELA The selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time. Mildly annoyed, Bela climbs out. He straightens his cloak and walks to the exit -- where be bumps into nervous Ed. ED Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi?? BELA (irritated) I told you, I don't want any of your goddamn coffins. ED No. I don't work here. BELA Huh? Bela peers at Ed, then glances confusedly over his shoulder at the salesman. Oh. Bela looks back at anxious Ed. BELA Who are you? What do you want? ED I don't want anything. I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies. BELA Ha! Bela strides out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - SAME TIME Bela hurries along. Ed chases after him. ED Why were you buying a coffin? BELA Because I'm planning on dying soon. ED (concerned) Really? BELA Yes. I'm embarking on another bus- andótruck tour of "Dracula." Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable. Bela pulls out a large smelly cigar and lights it. ED You know, I saw you perform "Dracula." In Poughkeepsie, in 1938. BELA Eh, that was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk! ED I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie. BELA Thank you. ED I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside. BELA I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge. A CITY BUS approaches. BELA Oh, there's my bus. (he checks his pockets) Shit, where's my transfer?! ED Don't you bave a car? BELA I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen. The bus pulls up, and the doors open. Ed is worried he's about to lose his new friend. He gets an idea... CUT TO: INT. 1948 NASH RAMBLER - DAY Ed drives anxiously. Bela sits next to him, filling the car with smoke from his big cigar. ED Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life. When is your next picture coming out? BELA I have no next picture. ED Ah, you gotta be jokin'! A great man like you... I'll bet you have dozens of 'em lined up. BELA Back in the old days, yes. But now -- no one give two fucks for Bela. Bela puffs on his oversized cigar. ED But you're a big star! BELA No more. I haven't worked in four years. This town, it chews you up, then spits you out. I'm just an ex-bogeyman. (he points) Make a right. EXT. BELA'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Ed drives past pumping oil wells and into a seedy neighborhood. They reach a tiny, well-manicured house. Ed and Bela get out. BELA (bitter) They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it's all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers -- who would believe such nonsense! ED The old ones were much spookier. They had castles, full moons... BELA They were mythic. They had a poetry to them. (he lowers his voice) And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters. ED The women? BELA The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror. ED I never thought of that. BELA Take my word for it. You want to "score" with a young lady, you take her to see "Dracula." Bela's eyes twinkle. He reaches his front door and unlocks it. INSIDE... it's awful. Squalid, dark, with skulls and strange voodoo objects scattered about. Up front hangs a large photograph of shockingly young Bela, handsome and regal. Ed is stunned by this dismal place, but doesn't say anything. Within, DOGS start BARKING crazily. BELA Ugh, what a mess. (beat) My wife of twenty years left me last month. I'm not much of a housekeeper. The dogs BARK louder. BELA Shh! I'm coming! I will feed you! ED Well... I guess I should go. Perhaps we could get together again? BELA (he shakes his hand) Certainly. But now the children of the night are calling me. Bela smiles and steps inside. The door closes. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES'S APARTMRNT - DAY Dolores is in her 1950's kitchenette, making a green jello mold. Ed bursts in, euphoric. ED Sweetie, you won't believe it! I've got the most incredible news! DOLORES (excited) You got the job?!! ED Huh?! (confused) Oh, uh, no, I didn't get the job. But something better happened! DOLORES Better than not getting a job? ED Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody really big! DOLORES Who? Robert Taylor?! ED (annoyed) No! A horror movie star! DOLORES Boris Karloff!? ED Close! The other one! DOLORES You met Basil Rathbone! ED Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA LUGOSI! DOLORES I thought he was dead. Ed's eyes pop. ED No! He's very alive. Well... sort of. He's old, and frail -- but he's still Bela Lugosi! And he's really nice. DOLORES Boy, I can't even remember the last time he was in a picture. ED It's a shame. He's such a rest actor, and nobody uses him anymore. DOLORES So did you get his autograph? Ed calms down. He smiles beatifically. ED No. It wasn't like that at all. It was just the two of us, and we were talkin'... and he treated me like -- a friend... CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY Ed is back in the plant department, arguing with his boss. RUDE BOSS He's a bum. ED No he's not! Do you realize how much money he made for this studio over the years? "Dracula"! "The Raven"! "The Black Cat"! RUDE BOSS Yeah? Well now he's a junkie. He don't deserve to work. ED That's not true -- RUDE BOSS He's so great, you hire him. ED (defensive) Well, uh, if I could I would... The guy takes a mocking face and struts out. Ed glares. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S ROUSE - NIGHT It's Halloween night. CHILDREN in trick-or-treating costumes parade up and down the streets. Through Bela's window, we see him and Ed watching TELEVISION -- a small fuzzy screen in a huge console. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME ON THE TV, one of Bela's old '30s horror films plays. Bela's evil character is hypnotizing somebody: His eyes stare the famous stare, then his hand does the famous hypnotic gesture. ON ED AND BELA They are entranced. The men drink beers in silence. Bela's TWO DOGS lie at his feet. ON THE TV The old movie suddenly stops, and VAMPIRA appears on the TV screen. Vampira, 25, is the sexy "Creature Feature" hostess, a pale ghoul slipped into a tight black dress. She leers in front of a corny fog-shrouded set. There is a pumpkin, a broomstick, and a sign reading "Happy Halloween." VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! Those eyes! He gives me the willies! The only thing scarier than him is this guy I dated last week: Charlie from Pittsburgh. Boy, talk about the living dead... ON THE MEN Ed is disgruntled. ED Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts the pictures. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect. BELA (glued to the TV) I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs. Ed LAUGHS. Bela waves his arm and starts doing his hypnotic hand gesture at the TV. BELA Vampira! You will come under my spell! You will be my slave of love. ED (fascinated by Bela's hand) Hey Bela, how do you do that? BELA You must be double-jointed, and you must be Hungarian. (back at the TV) Vampira, look at me! Stare into my eyes. Ed joins Bela in this activity. The two of them wave their arms spookily at the TV. Bela becomes fatigued. BELA I am getting tired. I need to take my medicine. ED Do you want me to get it for you? BELA No thank you, Eddie. I'll be alright. Bela smiles. He gets up, shuffles across the room, and steps behind a curtain. Ed is puzzled. Bela's thin arm appears and draws the curtain tight. We hear mysterious CLANGING, drawers opening and closing, and then silence. Ed sits, waiting. Behind the curtain, something DROPS. We hear a muffled "Shit!" Ed is getting worried. But then the curtain whips open, and Bela bounds out, grinning. He's a bundle of energy. BELA I feel better now. AT THE DOOR The doorbell RINGS. Kids SHOUT "Trick or treat!" Bela jumps up gleefully. BELA Children! I love children. Bela puts on his famous cape, then gets a pair of fangs and sticks them in his mouth. OUTSIDE Little kids in Lone Ranger and Howdy Doody costumes giggle expectantly. Suddenly the door flies open, and standing there is Count Dracula! The real Count Dracula. YEOWWWW!!! The kids SCREAM and run. Bela chuckles. Every kid is gone... except one TOUGH BOY. BELA Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood! TOUGH BOY Ehh, you're not a real vampire. You can't turn into a bat, and those teeth don't frighten me. Suddenly Ed lurches out, menacingly. ED Well how about these teeth?!! Ed RIPS HIS TEETH out of his head and thrusts them at the kid. The boy SCREAMS in terror and races away. Bela is wowed. BELA Hey, how'd you do that? Ed smiles impishly, then sticks the teeth back in his mouth. ED Dentures. I lost my pearlies in the war. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and Bela run toward us, Bela's cape flapping in the wind. Ed takes a swig from Bela's flask. They're a bit tipsy. ED Are you sure this is okay? BELA Don't worry. I do it every Halloween. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT The moonlight shines down on a rickety old cemetery. The wind blows hauntingly, and tombstones gleam in the blackness. Ed and Bela reach the locked gates. They glance at each other, then start to climb over. Ed helps Bela. They jump down, and Ed peers nervously. ED Now what? Bela looks like a child on Christmas morning. He takes another swig, then starts running giddily. He disappears into the cemetery. BELA I am DRACULA! Bela darts happily through the graves. His cape flies behind him. BELA I am the BAT!! Ed's eyes light up. He starts chasing after Bela. Bela's heart is racing. He zig-zags past ancient crypts. Gargoyles peer down. The wind howls through the skeletal trees, silhouetted against the cloudy sky. Ed runs through the shadows, trying to catch up. Bela flaps his cape up and down. We almost think he's going to fly. Ed races up, then quietly stops. He eagerly watches Bela, practically expecting him to turn into a bat. It's a magical, crazed moment. BELA I am DRACUlA! I will LIVE FOREVER!!! Bela laughs, then lies down on the grass. WIDE Ed slowly walks over and lies next to Bela. They're happy, eyes alert, on top of the world. Ed peers in wonder at his new friend. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS OFFICE - DAY Ed sits across from Georgie. Ed's very excited. GEORGIE So what's the big news you couldn't tell me over the phone... again? Ed gulps excitedly. He has a spiel all planned out. ED Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin' about what you said, about how all your movies have to make a profit. And I realized, what's the one thing, that if you put in a movie, it'll be successful?? GEORGIE (he thinks) Tits. ED No. Better than tits -- a star! Georgie shakes his head. GEORGIE Eddie, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures. I make crap. ED Yeah, but if you took that crap and put a star in it, you'd have something! GEORGIE Yeah. Crap with a star. ED (impassioned) No! It would be something better! Something impressive. The biggest moneymaker you've ever had! GEORGIE Fine, maybe you're right. But it doesn't friggin' matter. I can't afford a star, so I don't even know what we're talking about. Ed grins. ED What if I told you you could have a star for $1000?? GEORGIE (skeptical) Who? Ed opens his valise and whips out an 8x10 GLOSSY OF BELA. GEORGIE Lugosi? ED Yeah! Lugosi! GEORGIE Isn't he dead? ED (annoyed) No, he's not dead! He lives in Baldwin Hills. I met him recently, and he wants to be in our picture. GEORGIE OUR picture? ED (sheepishly) Uh, yeah. Our picture. Georgie mulls this over. He's interested. GEORGIE Why would Lugosi want to be in a sex-change flick? ED Because he's my friend. Georgie stares carefully at Ed, then finally smiles. GEORGIE Alright, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days, and we start shooting a week from Monday. ANGLE - ED He leaps up euphorically. He eagerly pumps Georgie's hand. ED Thank you! Bless you, Mr. Weiss! I promise I won't let you down! CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY CU on a ROYAL TYPEWRITER. Ed's hands whirl across the portable typewriter, frantically feeding in pages as fast as be can type. We PULL OUT. Ed sits on the bed, typing. He's a blur of activity, juggling a cigarette, coffee, and a telephone, while he writes. ED (on phone) But Bunny, you're perfect for this job! You're so good at organizing. His adrenalin is pumping. Ed pours some booze into his coffee. ED You know these people. I need all the transsexuals and transvestites you can get. (he sucks on his cigarette) No, I don't care if they're not actors. I want realism. I want this film to tell the truth! I've waited my whole life for this shot, and I'm not gonna blow it. There's a KNOCK at the door. Ed carries the phone on a long cord and answers it. Bela hurries in, smiling broadly. BELA Eddie, you got a new movie for me?! ED Yeah, it's gonna be a great picture! You'll love your character! (back into the phone) Bunny, Bela's here. Look, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites! Ed hangs up and resumes typing. Bela is puzzled. BELA Eddie, what kind of movie is this? ED Well, It's about how people have two personalities. The side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside. BELA (delighted) Oh, like Jekyll and Hyde! Ah, I've always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde! I'm looking forward to this production. Ed stops typing. He pours Bela a drink. ED Ehh, your part's a little different. You're like the God that looks down on all the characters, and oversees everything. BELA I don't understand. ED Well... you control everyone's fate. You're like the puppetmaster. BELA (getting it) Ah, so I pull the strings! ED Yeah. You pull the strings -- (he suddenly gets a look) "Pull the strings"... hey, that's pretty good! Ed quickly starts typing again. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed and Dolores sit at a card table, finishing up dinner. The dogs eat scraps below them. ED Wipe off your hands. I've got a little surprise for you... (he smiles nervously) I finished my script. Ed anxiously pulls out a pile of pages. Dolores looks in awe at the cover: "'GLEN OR GLENDA' By Edward D. Wood, Jr"" DOLORES Ed, I'm so proud! I'll read it as soon as I get home. ED (apprehensive) Well, I'd really like to know what you think. Why don't you go in the bedroom and take a look at it? I'll Wait... There's an uneasy moment between them. She senses something funny. Dolores takes the script and goes into the bedroom. The door closes. Ed starts pacing... DISSOLVE TO: INT. BEDROOM - LATER Dolores reads the script. She finishes the last page, then looks up. She is very shaken. Dolores stands. She grabs the door and opens it. THROUGH THE DOORWAY Ed stands somberly in drag. He's in a pantsuit, heels, and pink angora sweater. Dolores is totally rattled. She struggles for a response. DOLORES So that's where my sweater's been. Ed silently nods. DOLORES How long have you been doing this? ED Since I was a kid. My mom wanted a girl, so she used to dress me in girlie clothing. It just kinda became a habit. DOLORES Jesus Christ! And you never told me? ED This is my way of telling you -- DOLORES (furious) What, by putting it in a fuckin' script, for everyone to see?! What kind of sick mind would operate like that? Ed is terribly hurt. Dolores shakes tht script. DOLORES And what about this so-called "Barbara" character? It's obviously ME! I'm so embarrassed! This is our life! ED (quiet) Of course it is. And that's why you should play the part. DOLORES Oh! You got nerve, buddy. He calmly points at the script. ED It's a damn good role. DOLORES That's not the issue!! (she suddenly stops) Ugh! How can you act so casual, when you're dressed like that?! ED It takes me comfortable. DOLORES Oh, just like in the script! Ed smiles serenely. ED Exactly. (he takes her hand) So what do ya say? Do you wanna break up... or do you wanna do the movie with me? Dolores sighs. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS - DAY The hallway is filled with eager TRANSVESTITES. It's a very festive atmosphere, and Bunny tries to create some order. Inside the busy office, Paul types, and Conrad cranks a mimeograph machine. CONRAD It's good to have a job. Now I can get my phone reconnected. In a corner, Georgie angrily waves the script at Ed. GEORGIE I thought this was gonna be a sex- change film! ED (defensive) There's still a sex-change -- GEORGIE Yeah! Five pages right before it ends! The rest of the show is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters. ED I don't think he's a schmuck. GEORGIE And what's with this new title?! My poster says "I CHANGED MY SEX"! ED So change the poster. Trust me, you'll be better off. This is a story that's gonna grab people. (he goes into a pitch) It's about this guy. He's crazy about this girl but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn. George, this is DRAMA. Georgie throws up his hands GEORGIE Fine, shoot whatever baloney you want! I give up. Just make sure it's seven reels long. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING We are on location for Ed's first film! A SMALL CREW of a dozen unpacks the camera and reflectors from their cars. Ed's voice rises above the hubbub. ED (O.S.) Excuse me, could I have everyone's attention?! Could you gather around? I've got something to say. The crew members put down their things and gather in a circle. In the middle, we reveal Ed, in complete drag. Dress, nylons, pumps, lovely blonde wig... he's quite a sight. Like an eager Scoutmaster, he addresses his troops. ED Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey. Four days of hard work... but when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten, and maybe even move millions of people. A COUPLE GRIPS glance at each other. ED Now the only way we're gonna achieve all this is if we stay on schedule. Day one -- TODAY -- we'll start easy. We have eighteen silent scenes that can be shot quickly: Cars parking, Patrick's suicide, me strolling as a man, me strolling as a woman, etc. (beat) After lunch, we'll bring in the Inspector and the Doctor. The Doctor is very important to the plot, so we might have to spend time on retakes. But it's worth it. Scene totals for the first day is thirty-four. (he catches a breath) Day Two, we'll be a little busier -- Veteran CAMERAMAN BILL, an old guy with thick glasses, speaks. CAMERAMAN BILL Excuse me Eddie, I don't mean to interrupt... but I'm gettin' a little worried about those clouds. He points up. Everybody looks at the sky. The clouds are gray. Ed nods in agreement. ED Good thinkin'. We'll talk about Days Three and Four later. Now let's get that first shot off! It's Scene 17, Glenda looking in the window. THE CREW disperses. Ed quickly runs in his heels over to the burly make-up man, HARRY. ED Okay, do I need any touch-up? MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm telling ya, eyelashes are the way to go. ED (irritated) Harry, we've discussed this a million times. I don't want to look like a girl. I want to look like myself. MAKE-UP MAN MARRY (disgruntled) Fine. Then you look beautiful. Harry humorlessly powders Ed's nose. Ed turns away and suddenly SHOUTS into a giant megaphone. ED PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA! CAMERAMAN BILL (nonchalant) Rolling. WIDE Ed chucks the megaphone and runs crazily past the camera and behind a building. ED'S VOICE And -- ACTION! A pause, and then Ed, in character as Glenda, calm and dignified, steps out and walks down the sidewalk. Ed stops at a store window. He's totally in shadow. A grip grimaces. He TURNS ON a light Ed lights up. He looks in the window, admires a dress on display, then silently walks out of frame. A beat. Ed SCREAMS. ED And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET'S MOVE ON! CAMERAMAN BILL Don't you want a second take, for protection? ED (exhilarated) What's to protect? It was perfect! Suddenly a police car turns the corner. CREW MEMBER Cops! ED We don't have a permit. RUN! Everyone grabs equipment and takes off. WIPE TO: INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS - DAY The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela's set: A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is perched high in his director's chair, back in men's clothes. ED The set doesn't look right! It looks too... empty. Clutter it up. Put a skeleton in the corner. And what's that thing over there? PAUL MARCO I don't know. ED Well it looks good. Let's use it! Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script. GEORGIE Ed! What's with these revised pages?! A scene in a smelting factory? A buffalo stampede?? Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio Beach??! What's going on here? I can't afford to film this nonsense! ED Don't worry. We're not gonna film any of it. GEORGIE Then how's it gonna get in the picture?! ED I know a guy in Universal's stock house -- he's giving me the footage for free. This movie's gonna look like a million bucks. Georgie nods. Oh, okay. O.S. VOICE Mr. Lugosi has arrived! Ed jumps excitedly. ED Oh my God! (he YELLS) Mr. Lugosi is here! Now everyone, when he walks on the stage (nobody is listening; so Ed uses his MEGAPHONE) Now everyone, when he walks on the stage, treat him normal. I know Bela Lugosi is a world-famous star, and you're all a little excited, but we're professionals. So if you treat him with respect, everything will be alright. AT THE STAGE DOOR The door swings open, and Bela strides in, looking dapper. He glances at the teensy stage, and his face falls imperceptibly. Ed runs up, bounding with enthusiasm. ED Bela! It's so great to see you! (he glances at his watch) And eight o'clock on the dot. Right on time! BELA I am always on time. ED Of course! Well, we got a big day planned for you... First, we're gonna start off a little easy, with you in that armchair over there. Then, once you're up to speed and cooking, we'll reset and bring out the laboratory equipment -- BELA (he leans in and WHISPERS) Uh, Eddie, do you have my money? ED Huh?! Oh yeah, of course. Ed and Bela step over to a corner. ACROSS THE ROOM From a distance, Ed pulls a wad of money from his pocket and peels off a few bills for Bela. The crew watches, fascinated. WIPE TO: LATER Bela is seated in the ratty armchair on the set. Harry does his make-up. Harry glances at Bela's arm, and it is full of TRACK MARKS. Harry grimaces, but doesn't say anything. Conrad eagerly scurries up. CONRAD Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy, but could I have your autograph? BELA (cordial) Of course. Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it. CONRAD You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray." You were great as Karloff's sidekick. Bela's face suddenly hardens. He snaps. BELA "Sidekick"?? "KARLOFF"?!! Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph. BELA Fuck you!! Karloff doesn't deserve to smell my shit! That limey cocksucker can rot in hell, for all I care!!! WIDE Ed panickedly runs up. ED What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what did you do? CONRAD (upset, close to crying) Nothin'! I told him he was great. BELA How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?!! You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?! NO! It's just make-up and grunting! GRRR! GRRR! GRRR! Ed is frozen in fear. He glances across the stage. Georgie is flabbergasted. He points urgently at his watch. Ed nods. He motions to Conrad: Get out of here. Conrad runs away. Ed leans in to Bela. ED You're right, Bela. Now Dracula, that's a part that takes acting. BELA Of course! Dracula requires presence. It's all in the voice, and the eyes, and the hand -- Bela waves his outstretched arm. Ed tries to calm him. ED Look, you seem a little agitated. Do you maybe wanna take a little break, go for a nice walk... and then we'll come back and shoot the scene? BELA BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the camera!! The crew is baffled. Ed shrugs at them. ED Um, okay... roll camera CAMERAMAN BILL (unsure) Rolling. ED Sound! SOUNDMAN Speed. CAMERA ASSISTANT Mark. Scene Thirty-One. The Assistant CLAPS the slate in front of Bela, then runs. ED And... action? It's dead quiet. Nobody knows what's about to happen. WE MOVE IN TO BELA. And... he suddenly assumes character. Like the consumate pro he is. Bela gets a wicked, sinister leer, then starts intoning threateningly: BELA (as the SPIRIT) "Beware. Beware! Beware, of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys! Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails! Beware. Take care. Beware!" CLOSEUP - ED He is blown away. He quietly mumbles in amazement. ED Brilliant. WIPE TO: INT. STAGE - NEXT DAY Dolores studies her script, as the crew lights a flimsy kitchen set. Ed strolls past, nonchalantly removing a ladies' wig and earrings. She stares in disbelief. DOLORES How can you just walk around like that, in front of all these people? ED Hon', nobody's bothered but you. (he gestures) Look around -- they couldn't care less. DOLORES Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with WEIRDOS! ED Say it a little louder. I don't think Bela heard you in his trailer. Dolores quiets down. She feels bad. ED Dolores. I need your help... WIPE TO: FILMING IN PROGRESS - LATER A scene is being shot, on camera. Ed (as Glen) and Dolores (as Barbara) stare into each other's eyes. He's dressed normal, and she wears a fuzzy angora sweater. ED (as GLEN) "My mind's in a muddle. I thought I could stop wearing these things. I tried, honestly I tried..." DOLORES (as BARBARA) (tentative) "Glen, I don't fully understand this. But maybe together -- we can work it out." She stands up, dramatically takes off her angora sweater, and gives it to Ed. He holds it meaningfully, then smiles proudly. ED Music swells... and CUT and PRINT IT! Ed and Dolores hug. CUT TO: INT. EDITING ROOM - DAY On a MOVIOLA, we see the black-and-white image of Dolores taking off her angora and giving it to Ed. WE PULL OUT. Ed and Georgie are hunched over, watching the movie. Ed smiles proudly. ED And we fade out. "The End." (the film runs out) What do you think? Georgie peers at his watch. He shakes his bead. GEORGIE I think it's fifty-seven minutes long. ED Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it? GEORGIE (like a lecturing teacher) Ed, what was the one thing I asked you to do? Make it seven reels long. I've got contracts with my exhibitors. If it ain't over an hour, they won't play it. ED Gee, I used every frame of film we shot. Maybe they won't notice. GEORGIE They'll notice. (beat) Look, why don't you let me take over from here? I can do a few tricks: Pad it out with more stock footage, add establishing shots... ED Um, I guess -- GEORGIE Good. And one more thing. I think your "Written, Directed, and Starring Ed Wood" credit is a bad idea. ED Why?! I did all those things! Hell, I even built the props. GEORGIE And you did a bang-up job, too. But you don't want other producers to know that's you in drag. Trust me. It's a career killer. Ed is quite upset. ED But I'm proud. I wrote, directed, and starred in it just like Orson Welles in "Citizen Kane"! GEORGIE Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he??! Ed is beaten. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT It's the cast and crew screening! The eager two-dozen people are packed into a tiny screening room. The lights dim, and the movie starts. A LIBRARY MUSIC fanfare, and then: "Bela Lugosi in GLEN OR GLENDA" Everyone APPLAUDS excitedly. Bela smiles. Credits continue: "Featuring Daniel Davis and Dolores Fuller" The audience is audibly baffled. Bunny BLURTS out. BUNNY Daniel Who?! Dolores leans in to Ed. DOLORES Ed, who is Daniel Davis? ED (sour) Some weirdo who likes to wear dresses. DISSOLVE TO: LATER IN THE MOVIE ON-SCREEN, Dolores looks tenderly at Ed. DOLORES (on screen) "Glen. Is it another woman?" Ed as Glen nervously ponders his response. But suddenly -- MUSIC THUNDERS in. The movie cuts to buffalo stampeding. Bela's angry face is superimposed over this. BELA (on screen) "Pull the string! Pull the string!" IN THE AUDIENCE People are impressed by this technique. Bela nods in approval. ON-SCREEN Out of nowhere, CHEAP JAZZ MUSIC starts, and the movie abruptly cuts to SLEAZY STAG PARTY-STYLE FOOTAGE! A bare-chested man whips a bound woman! A woman dominates another tied to a large stick! A brunette violently rips off her dress and does a hoochie-coochie dance! IN THE AUDIENCE The crowd is stunned. CAMERAMAN BILL I didn't shoot that! Ed looks back at Georgie, who's wearing a big satisfied grin. ED Georgie, what's with the stag footage?? You said you were cutting in establishing shots! GEORGIE I did. I established some tits and ass. Ed rolls his eyes. He turns back to the movie. INT. PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT Everybody is CELEBRATING, with a raucous party. People are boozing it up. BIG BAND MUSIC plays. Ed dances with Dolores. Paul smokes a joint. Conrad falls over a table and breaks a lamp. Bela dances happily with a cute young REDHEAD. BELA Wasn't I something..? Did you see how I command the screen?! Ed's giddy buddies stumble over with foaming glasses of beer. BUNNY Ed, it was superb. CONRAD A great show! A little strange... but great -- especially my scenes. ED Just like I always promised. Now you're among the immortals. You're movie stars. PAUL MARCO (he raises his glass) Here's to Ed. For making us into something. It's a warm moment. They all CLINK their glasses. Dolores kisses Ed. CUT TO: EXT. BUNGALOW HOUSE - DAY We're outside a cute little Spanish bungalow house. Ed and Dolores are moving in. They lug furniture from a rented truck. ED From today on, our lives are different! We'll be swimming laps in the same pool Jean Harlow did. DOLORES I don't know. It's so much money... ED Who cares?! We're on a ROLL! These are the moments in life you're supposed to grab. DOLORES But Ed, we're not even married. And you don't have a job. ED But you do! And anyway, I've got tons of new scripts. And now that I have a track record, studios are bound to hire me! She just stares. Ed shrugs, semi-reassuringly. ED Look on the bright side. If we miss the rent, what's the worst they can do? DOLORES Toss us out on our ass. ED Exactly. INT. BUNGALOW - DAY The house is moved in. Ed's unkempt dogs run about. Pumped-up Ed sits on the bed typing fiendishly fast while wearing an angora sweater. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and a bottle of booze lays in his lap. Bela sits quietly nearby. ED How 'bout a western? People love westerns. BELA But, I don't like horses. Do I have to get on one? ED Eh, forget it. What else is big? (his face lights up) Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah... You got the juvenile delinquent, his girlfriend from the wrong side of the tracks -- BELA Who do I play? ED Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father. He's angry! He doesn't like seeing his son -- no -- he doesn't like seeing his daughter behave this way! BELA (cautious, not to offend) Well... can't I play the romantic part? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. You know, back in Hungary, I played Romeo! I would like to be the lover again -- me, in a boat, with the girl... Ed considers this. ED Sure. Romance, that's great! To engineer your comeback, we're gonna need a whole slate of pictures. Once "Glen Or Glenda" takes off, we'll slam you into one, then another, then another! BELA (he smiles) That's good. I could use the money. ED But we need to start off with a bang! Something we know the audience will want to see. Mmm. What was your biggest hit? BELA (he thinks) Hmm... my biggest hit? That would probably be "Dracula." ED Of course! Ed crabs a pen and excitedly scrawls out the word "DRACULA." Bela frowns. BELA Those bastards at Universal. I made so much money for them, and now I can't get the time of day. ED So let's make another "Dracula." Let's make "The Return of Dracula"! BELA We can't. Those sons-a-bitches control the rights. ED They do? Shoot. There must be a way to get around that... Ed's mind is working. He holds out the paper and stares at it. Suddenly, he grins. He grabs the pen and makes a period after the "DR." It now says "DR.ACULA" ED Ha-ha! Dr. Acula! BELA Dracula? ED No! Doctor Acula! You can still wear the cape, have the fangs... but you're a doctor! Not a count. BELA Ah! This is very exciting. ED (inspired) I gotta type this up, while it's still fresh! Ed rips the paper from his typewriter, puts in a blank page, and starts typing. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - DAY We're outside the imposing gates of MGM. The lion logo is overhead. Ed drives up in his dirty Nash Rambler convertible. He wears his nicest suit. Ed peers nervously at the GUARD. ED Excuse me, I'm here to see Mr. Feldman. The Guard stares suspiciously at Ed. His filthy car is leaking oil. GUARD What's your name? ED Edward D. Wood, Junior. The man frowns. He looks through his files -- then finds a parking slip with Ed's name. He is surprised. GUARD Oh. Eh, he's in the Executive Building. You can park in the reserved section. Ed smiles. INT. EXECUTIVE WAITING ROOM - DAY The room is very posh, with fancy paneling and marble floors. Ed sits nervously under posters for "GRAND HOTEL" and "QUO VADIS." Film cans labled "Glen Or Glenda" rest in his lap. SECRETARY Sir, Mr. Feldman will see you now. She hits an electric button. A large oak door swings open. INT. OFFICE Behind a giant desk is MR. FELDMAN, a glib, thin over- caffeinated man. He jumps up, smiling. MR. FELDMAN Mr. Ward, it's a delight to meet you. ED (shaking his hand) It's Wood. Ed Wood. MR. FELDMAN Wood? Ward? Wood. (puzzled, he glances at his appointment book) Hey, what do you know. It is Wood. Dang secretaries, you can never get a good one. Right? Ed shrugs. Feldman grins. MR. FELDMAN So what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have resumes to show. I've got my own movie. MR. FELDMAN Really?! Well good for you. ED I just made this picture, over at Screen Classics. It opens next week. MR. FELDMAN Screen Classics? Hmm, don't know them. ED Nobody in town has seen it, so I'm givin' you first crack at my talents. MR. FELDMAN I can't wait to take a look. (he claps his hands) So what's up next? Ed leans in. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, I don't believe in thinking small. So I've got a whole slate of pictures for you: "The Vampire's Tomb," "The Ghoul Goes West"... and "Doctor Acula"! MR. FELDMAN Doctor Acula? I don't get it. ED Dr. Acula! Ed writes it out, "DR. ACULA," then waves it in Feldman's face. Feldman nods. MR. FELDMAN Oh, "Dr. Acula." I get it. (beat) I don't like it. ED But Bela Lugosi's in it! MR. FELDMAN Lugosi's washed-up. What else you got? Ed grimaces. Lugosi was 90% of his pitch. He vamps. ED Well... I've got another project I wasn't gonna tell you about. Lugosi's in it, but he's got a smaller part. The lead is an ingenue, a sterling young actress named Dolores Fuller. The title is "Bride Of The Atom." MR. FELDMAN Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like it. (he smiles) I'll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don't you leave those film cans, and my associates and I will take a look at your little opus. Maybe we can do business together. Ed is elated. INT. STUDIO SCREENING ROOM - DAY Feldman and his fellow SMARMY EXECUTIVES sit in a plush screening room. They are viewing "Glen Or Glenda." ON-SCREEN, Ed is in drag. A SOLEMN NARRATOR within the movie speaks: SOLEMN NARRATOR (V.O.) "Give this man satin undies, a dress, and a sweater... and he's the happiest man in the world. He can work better, think better, even play better -- and be more of a credit to his community and his government." ANGLE ON THE EXECUTIVES They are stupefied. Yikes! EXECUTIVE #1 What the hell is this?! EXECUTIVE #2 Is this an actual movie?! EXECUTIVE #1 It can't be. EXECUTIVE #2 It's fuckin' ridiculous! Feldman squints at the screen. FELDMAN Wait a minute. That guy in the dress -- he's the one I met with today! This must be a big PUT-ON! (he CHUCKLES) It's probably another one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes! Everybody suddenly starts HOWLING with laughter. CUT TO: EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY Ed zooms up and chipperly jumps from his car. He buys a "Los Angeles Herald-Express," eagerly opens it to the entertainment pages... and then gets a confused look. Ed quickly starts rifling through the pages -- something is wrong. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed angrily shouts into the phone. ED Georgie, what happened?! I thought "Glen Or Glenda" was opening next week! Where's the ads? An OLD-FASHIONED SPLIT SCREEN of Georgie on the phone appears. GEORGIE (pissed-off) "Where's the ads"?! The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You schmuck, it ain't gonna play L.A.! ED Why not?? GEORGIE Because I can't sell it to save my life! You made a goddamn feathered fish. Is it an art film, a horror show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows! I'm beggin' people to book it. ED (insulted) Maybe it needs special handling. GEORGIE Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more money into different titles: "Transvestite" "He Or She?" "I Led Two Lives"... It DOESN'T MATTER! Nobody wants to see the piece of shit. ED You can't talk that way about my movie. GEORGIE "Your movie"?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever made into this stinkbomb. If I ever see you again, I'll kill you!!! Georgie SLAMS down the phone. His split screen WIPES off, leaving Ed standing alone. Ed stares at the phone, then quietly hangs it up. CUT TO: INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM - NIGHT WHAM! A WRESTLER throws another WRESTLER at the mat. The crowd CHEERS raucously. We're at the Saturday Night Wrestling Matches! In the stands are Ed, Dolores, Bunny, and Bunny's new YOUNG MALE "FRIEND." Seated around them are hollering truckers and ex-Marines. Bunny giggles and nudges gloomy Ed. BUNNY So guess where I'm going next weekend? ED I don't know. Where? BUNNY Mexico! And guess what I'm going to do there?! ED (not enjoying this game) I dunno. Lie on the beach? BUNNY WRONG! I'm getting my first series of hormone shots! And once those babies kick in, they're gonna remove my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN! Ed is astonished. ED Jesus! Are you serious? BUNNY Yes! I've dreamed of it for years, but your movie made me realize I've got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS! The truckers nearby stare. Dolores covers her face. DOLORES Ssh! Will you keep it down? The crowd suddenly ROARS and jumps up. A favorite wrestler has entered the ring, massive TOR JOHNSON, 50. Tor is an incredible sight: A bald, lumbering behemoth. RING ANNOUNCER (amplified) Now entering the ring, in the gold trunks, 350 bone-crunching pounds of pure strength, the "Swedish Angel"... Tor Johnson!!! The crowd goes apeshit. The stands are going to collapse from the SHOUTING. Ed's eyes are the size of saucers. ED My God, look at that guy. He's a mountain! The bell RINGS. Tor quickly grabs his OPPONENT, a man in a blue mask, and throws him at the ground. Then Tor jumps onto his stomach, easily picks him up, and heaves him at the ropes. People CHEER. Ed is flabbergasted. ED I've never seen anything like him! BUNNY And once I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and I are getting married -- ED (eyes glued to the ring) Ssh! He's so big! He's a monster! Can you imagine what that guy would be like in a movie? ON TOR He screams maniacally in Swedish. Tor lifts the Opponent over his head and tosses him into the stands. Three rows of chairs get knocked over. CUT TO: EXT. WRESTLER'S BAR - NIGHT A tiny miniature European car pulls up. Tor Johnson is squeezed inside -- ludicrously oversized for this vehicle. Tor carefully wedges himself out and enters the bar. INT. WRESTLER'S BAR - SAME TIME This rowdy bar is packed with burly WRESTLERS. Tor walks in, and men cheerily yell out: "Hey, Tor!" "Hi, Tor!" Tor grins. In person, he actually seems a jolly, outgoing fellow. Ed waves from the corner ED Mr. Johnson, over here! Tor smiles and lumbers over ED Glad you could fit me in your schedule. TOR (in a hoarse SWEDISH ACCENT) Da pleasure be mine. They shake hands. Ed's hands look like a baby's in Tor's giant mitts. Tor tries to sit in the booth. But he can't fit. TOR Could we moovf to table? ED Oh, of course! Ed jumps up. They move to a large table. Now Tor is happy. He starts shoveling beer nuts into his mouth. ED So, Mr. Johnson -- TOR Tor! ED Tor. Have you ever thought about becoming an actor? TOR (he CHUCKLES) Mm, not good-lookink enough. ED I think you're quite handsome. TOR No. With hair, yah. But I must shave head for wrestlink. It scare da crowds. Dey like that. Ed smiles. ED Well, I think you'd be a sensation in pictures. TOR But what bout accent? Some people tink I haf too much accent. ED Nah, that doesn't matter! It's a visual medium. A WAITRESS saunters over. WAITRESS Tor, what can I get ya? TOR I'll haf eight beers. WAITRESS (nonchalant, to Ed) And you? ED Uhh, I'll have just one. She walks off. Tor shakes the now-empty nut bowl. TOR And more nuts! Ed tries to grab Tor's attention. ED So anyway, I've got this new script, "Bride Of The Atom," and there's a part you're ideal for: "Lobo." He's tough. A brute. But he has a heart -- and at the end he saves the girl. TOR (he laughs merrily) I like. When do movie shoot? ED Hopefully, very soon. I'm just awaiting the final okay from Mr. Feldman at MGM. CUT TO: INT. ED'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores are asleep. Suddenly the phone RINGS. Ed fumbles for it and groggily answers. ED Wood Productions... We hear Bela's weak VOICE. BELA (on phone) Eddie... help me... ED Bela? BELA (on phone) Eddie... please come over -- CLICK. The phone hangs up. Ed is very alarmed. EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT The wind is blowing. Ed's Nash roars up, and he jumps out, a coat over his pajamas. He runs up and POUNDS on Bela's door. ED Bela?! Ed tries the door. It's unlocked. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps into the dark room, and is stunned by what he sees: Bela is slumped on the floor, pasty white, eyes glazed. A rubber tube is tied on his arm, and a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE lies next to him. The dogs crouch behind him, whimpering, despondent, Bela looks up through half-opened eyes. BELA Eddie... my friend. Aghast, Ed runs over. ED Bela, what happened?! BELA I didn't feel well... ED Let me take you to the hospital. BELA No hospital. Just take me to the couch... Ed nods. He picks up the old man and carries him across the room to the couch. The large portrait of Bela, young and robust, peers down. ED Should I call a doctor? BELA Nah. This happens all the time... Ed puts a pillow under Bela's head. ED Is there anything I can get you? Water? A blanket? BELA Goulash. ED (distressed) I don't know how to make goulash. Ed sits next to him. An awkward pause. ED What's in the needle? BELA Morphine, with a demerol chaser. (he starts crying) Eddie, I'm so broke. I don't know what I'm gonna do... ED Don't worry. I'll do something. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - MORNING Ed stands outside MGM, talking into a phone at the guard gate. ED (on phone) Mr. Feldman! I haven't been able to get through, so I just showed up. Yeah, out front! So, are we gonna be working together? (his face slowly falls) Really? Worst film you ever saw...? (beat) Well, my next one will be better. (beat) Hello? INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Dolores tries to cheer up gloomy Ed. He's wearing angora. ED I'm no good. DOLORES Ed, it's just one man's opinion! ED Bela needs a job... I can't even get a film going... (listless) But of course I can't -- I made the worst movie of all time. DOLORES That's ridiculous. Ed sighs. ED All I wanna do is tell stories. The things I find interesting... DOLORES Well maybe you're not studio kind of material. Maybe you just need to raise the money yourself. Ed looks up. INT. BANK - DAY Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER. ED The movie is called "Bride Of The Atom"... INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - DAY Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats. ED ...It will star Bela Lugosi. Each of you would put up $20,000... EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone. ED Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi. He's still alive. (beat) Huh? Is he available Friday night? Gee, I suppose so... Why? cut TO: INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT We're backstage at a '5Os variety show. It's exciting live TV: Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of hyped-up tumult. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They both read off SCRIPTS. BELA "Greetings. I am the Count." ED "Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure." Audience laughs. Applause. "Say, that's a funny place to sleep." BELA "It is my home." ED "Oh, tract housing, huh?" Laugh. "You need a new real estate agent." BELA "Beg to differ. This casket incarpratates, er, inporporates --" Ed interrupts. ED No Bela, that's "incorporates." Look, just say "This casket has..." BELA (upset) Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue? This live television is madness! An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in. ASSISTANT Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi. INT. BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and a turban and is acting mysterious. HOST And then what's gonna happen? CRISWELL In 1960, the automobile will have retractable wings, so it can fly. HOST Sounds like a heck of a way to beat traffic. Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically. CRISWELL By 1970, Man will have colonized Mars. Millions of people will live there. Ed is mesmerized. ED Wow! Ain't that something. INT. STUDIO - LATER We're out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET: Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He's playing his "Slick" character, a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There's more APPLAUSE. BELA Greetings. I am the Count. HOST Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure. The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE. HOST Say, that's a funny place to sleep. BELA It is my home. HOST Oh, tract housing, huh? (he starts AD-LIBBING) I guess I shouldn't complain about my duplex in Burbank. What a dump. Some places have a Murphy bed, this place has a Murphy shower. I still don't know where to hang the towels! The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He seems incredibly confused. BELA Uh, beg to differ. HOST "Beg to differ?!" Hey, I'm talkin' about my duplex in Burbank! BELA (terrified, groping) Uh, Greetings. I am the Count... BACKSTAGE Ed covers his face in embarrassment. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER The Host angrily storms past. HOST I told you we should've gotten Karloff. He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out. ED Bela, don't worry. You're better than all this crap. BELA (distraught) I never said I could ad-lib... ED Forget about it. We'll make our new movie, and you'll be a star again. They shuffle away... until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela. CRISWELL Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled privilege to meet you. Allow me to introduce myself... I am CRISWELL! BELA (morose) It's a pleasure... CRISWELL Ah, cheer up! Don't lose heart over what happened tonight. (he points at his temple) I predict that your next project will be an outstanding success! ED Wow. CRISWELL And who may you be? ED Edward Wood, Sir. CRISWELL Ah. The director of "Glen Or Glenda." ED (startled) H-how'd you know?! CRISWELL I'm Criswell. I know all. Criswell winks. CUT TO: INT. MOCAMBO ROOM - NIGHT Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping '5Os nightclub. Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed, Bela, and Criswell's group. Everyone's plastered and laughing. Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER. CRISWELL Bring me two more Beefeater martinis. Eddie will have another whiskey, Dagmar's a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha and King are chablis -- hey Bela, would you like a wine? BELA No. I never drink -- wine. The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to Criswell. ED Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970? How'd you know it wouldn't be 1975, or even 1980? CRISWELL I guessed. ED I don't understand. CRISWELL I made it up. It's horseshit! Ed's jaw drops. CRISWELL There's no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a turban and a black tuxedo. ED It's that easy? CRISWELL Eddie, we're in show biz! It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you dress nice and talk well, people will swallow anything. Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom. CUT TO: EXT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE step out and approach the DOORMAN. CONSERVATIVE MAN Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. DOORMAN Ah, that would be in the Venetian Room, sir. The couple raise their eyebrows. They're impressed. INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT A large banner says "BRIDE OF THE ATOM - NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY. All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns, strutting about with flutes of champagne like they're extras in "The Great Gatsby." Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them. ED We're gonna have the most terrifying monster ever seen on film! A ghastly creature created from an atomic mutation! BACKER'S WIFE I don't like scary movies. I go more for ones with love stories. ED (without dropping a beat) Well that's what this movie is... a heartbreaking romance! It's about a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in love with a young cop, Dick Craig. ACROSS THE ROOM Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over. ED What do you think you're doin'?! CONRAD These shoes are itchy. ED You can't sit! You gotta walk around, with good posture. You want these people to think we have class. Otherwise they'll never invest in our movie. ACROSS THE PARTY Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor's giant arm. AMAZED BACKER Bernie, get a load of this guy! TOR (proud of his size) Biceps 22! Chest 62! Stomach 54! AMAZED BACKER Whew! You're quite a specimen. (beat) And you're gonna be in the picture? TOR Yes. I play Lobo! ACROSS THE ROOM An excited HICK BACKER shakes Bela's hand. HICK BACKER Mr. Lugosi, I can't believe I'm meeting you in person. This is one of the most exciting moments of my life. BELA Thank you. And you are? HICK BACKER Charlie Johnson! I manufacture toothpaste tubes. ACROSS THE PARTY Criswell struts in the b.g., talking to someone. CRISWELL I predict "Bride Of The Atom" will be the biggest moneymaker of all time! In the f.g., Ed introduces Dolores to a SOUTHERN BACKER. ED And this is lovely starlet Dolores Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton. SOUTHERN BACKER And how much will this picture cost? ED In a normal studio it would be half-a-million, with all their wasteful overhead and fancy offices. But because we're more efficient, we can bring it in for seventy grand! SOUTHERN BACKER Hmm. Well I'll consider it... EXT. BROWN DERBY - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his buddies wave goodbye to the departing backers. ED Goodbye! Goodbye! BELA (to Ed) So how'd we do? ED (faking a big smile, but SOTTO VOCE to Bela) We didn't make a dime. IN THE PARKING LOT A VALET hands the car keys to the Conservative Backer. VALET That's twenty-five cents, sir. The man glances at his Wife. She shrugs. WIFE I gave all my money to the babysitter. The man grimaces. He checks his pockets, pulls out a handful of PENNIES, and counts them out... CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S BACKYARD - DAY Ed sits in a chaise lounge by the pool, studying papers and drinking shots of whiskey. He's in a woman's pantsuit and fuzzy slippers. Dolores marches out. DOLORES Ed, the landlord called again. He wants his money. ED Tell him "Bride" is in pre- production. DOLORES Ed, the landlord doesn't care. ED That's the problem! Nobody cares about my movie! I'm tryin' so hard, I don't know what else to do! DOLORES Don't get angry at me. Maybe you just need a day job. ED (upset) Dolores, don't you understand? I'm a director now! I made "Glen Or Glenda." Directing is my day job. DOLORES (irate) All I know is, ever since "Glen Or Glenda," all you do is booze it up and wear my clothes! Suddenly Paul hesitantly steps through the back gate. PAUL MARCO Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt, but I got some big news. ED (dour) Yeah...? PAUL MARCO Well my cousin Fred met this dame from back East. She's from "old money," and he thinks she's loaded. And here's the kicker: She's very interested in the picture business! ANGLE - ED He slowly smiles. It's like sun breaking through rain clouds. CUT TO: EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY We're at a fancy outdoor brunch. Ed is shaking hands with pretty LORETTA KING, 25, a pale brunette in a classy dress. LORETTA Pleased to meet you. I'm Loretta King. ED I understand you just moved here? LORETTA Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting. A WAITER walks over, with a water pitcher. WAITER Water, Ma'am? LORETTA (suddenly freaking out) No! No water! NO LIQUIDS! I'm terribly allergic to them! The waiter is bewildered. He hurries away. Ed leans in. ED So my associate Mr. Marco tells me you may be interested in investing in a motion picture. LORETTA Perhaps a small amount of money. (she smiles) How much do one of your motion pictures cost? ED For this one, we need $60,000. LORETTA That's all?? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture. Ed perks up. She's a live one! Ed pulls a script from his briefcase and hands it to her. ED Perhaps you'd like to look at the photoplay. LORETTA Oh my, this is very interesting. (she skims the pages) Say... do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts? ED (very enthused) Oh, of course!! There's a couple characters you'd be perfect for: The secretary at the newspaper office, or the file clerk! LORETTA Hmm. Those sound kind of small. (stopping at a page) Oh, here's one that looks good: Janet Lawton. I'd sure like to play her. Ed blanches. ED J-Janet Lawton??? LORETIA Yes, Janet Layton is clearly the part to play. She's got some real meaty scenes! Can't you just see me in that part?? CU - ED He is aghast. What a stomach-churning decision. He stares at Loretta, then slowly croaks a response. ED Uh... yeah... (beat) You'd be perfect. CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S HOUSE - DAY We HEAR dishes being violently thrown. Dolores SCREAMS inside. DOLORES (o.s.) You bastard! You two-timing, dress-wearing son-of-a-BITCH!! INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME Dolores is crying and screaming angrily. Ed ducks the objects she hurls at him. ED It was the only way I could get the movie made! DOLORES Who do you think's been paying the rent?! Who helped type your script, and did all your grunt work?! ED I'm sorry! What did you want me to say? DOLORES I wanted you to say, "No! I wrote the part for my girlfriend Dolores." ED But there's plenty of other parts. DOLORES Like what?! ED (nervous) The secretary. Or the file clerk. Dolores is stunned. DOLORES YOU ASSHOLE! She hurls a pot at Ed. WHACK! It slams him in the head. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The sets are being erected for "Bride Of The Atom"! The crew hurries about the small stage, as Ed energetically supervises. He has a large band-aid on his head. ED This is gonna be Bela's laboratory, so it should be real impressive! Like one of those mad scientist movies. I want beakers, and test tubes, and one of those electrical things that buzzes! BUNNY You mean a Tesla coil? ED If you say so. Tor lumbers over, in his ripped Lobo outfit. His face has fake gashed-up scars. Tor holds the script. TOR Edvard! I haf question 'bout script. My vife Greta, she read. And she no like. ED Really? Was the third act too intense? TOR (trying to be polite) No. She tink Lobo is waste of my time. Lobo don't talk. ED But Tor, it's a starring part! You're second billed. TOR Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk. But Tor, he no talk. Ed thinks. He quickly puts a spin on this. ED Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look at the classic film actors, who are they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They didn't talk! They did it all with their face. TOR (still bothered) But Greta say -- Loretta walks over, holding two dresses. LORETTA Eddie, which dress do you like better? ED I don't know. (he yells o.s.) Hey Bill, which dress is better for you, the green or the red one? Cameraman Bill is standing at the camera. He squints. CAMERAMAN BILL Which one is the red one? ED (confused) What do you mean? CAMERAMAN BILL I mean I can't see the difference. I'm color-blind. (beat) But I like the dark gray one. WIPE TO: LATER The crew is shooting on a spooky castle foyer set. ED ACTION! Bela enters, wearing a lab coat costume. As he slowly crosses, the old man rubs his hands fiendishly. Ed YELLS live direction through a megaphone. ED Okay, you're Dr. Eric Vornoff. You're upset. You've worked so hard on this experisent, and you don't want to see it fail. (Bela stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Bela exits) Okay, CUT! BEAUTIFUL! PRINT IT! Ed claps his hands triumphantly. ED Alright, let's go immediately to Scene 52. Tor, are you in place? TOR'S VOICE Yah. ED Okay, CUE RAINSTORM! Behind the window, Conrad pours a watering can. ED And roll camera! ACTION! Tor enters, but can barely squeeze his bulk through the door. Finally he enters. Ed YELLS through the segaphone. ED Okay, you're Lobo. You're upset. You've worked so hard helping Dr. Vornoff on this experiment, and you don't want to see it fail. (Tor stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Tor exits) Okay, CUT! PERFECT! PRINT IT! OFF STAGE Bela talks to Tor. BELA At Universal, they shot two scenes a day. Eddie can knock off twenty or thirty! He's incredible. BACK ON SET Cameraman Bill leans in to Ed. CAMERAMAN BILL Hey Ed, shouldn't we do another take? Big Baldy kinda got stuck in the doorway. ED No, it's fine. It's real! In actuality, Lobo would struggle with that problem every day. WIPE TO: LABORATORY SET - LATER They are back on the completed lab set. Beyond the bunsen burners and beakers is a kitchenette in the corner. ED Wow, this lab looks great. Except why is there a stove and refrigerator? PAUL MARCO We couldn't afford any more props. If it seems weird, maybe you can add a scene where they eat dinner. ED Nah, it'll work. Where's Bela? Bela is asleep on a couch. Ed nudges him. ED Bela, are you ready? BELA (he groggily wakes up) Mmph? Where am I? ED You're shooting "Bride Of The Atom." Scene 85. Bela nods. He stands up, then grimaces in pain. So he pulls two BRIGHT LITTLE PILLS from his pocket and swallows them. Ed walks Bela onto the lab set. ED You'll be sitting on the right. BELA (he glares at the sparking Tesla coils) I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of those burned me on "The Return Of Chandu." ED Okay. Then you'll be sitting on the left. Ed turns to Tor and Loretta. She wears a wedding gown. ED Here's the scene. Loretta, you're in a trance. You glide in and get on the operating table. Now Tor, you're supposed to tie her down. But you have an angora fetish... and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse so Bela has to discipline you. TOR Okey-dokey. WIPE TO: SHOOTING - LATER The scene begins. ED ACTION! BELA (as VORNOFF) "Now we are ready for the girl." Bela does his patented hypnotic arm wave. He actually has a powerful intensity. Loretta staggers in, eyes glazed. Like a zombie, she climbs onto the operating table. BELA "Dear, you are a woman of super strength and beauty. A lovely vision of exquisitely beauty -- shit!" (he breaks character) Damn! Eddie, I'm sorry I can't remember all this. I'm an old man. It's too long. ED That's fine, Bela. We're still rolling. Just say "Dear, you're lovely." BELA (he snaps back into character) "Dear, you're lovely." (he turns to Tor) "Strap her to the table." Tor starts to tie Loretta down, then gets distracted by a piece of angora hooked to his waist. He rubs it lovingly, calmed, then suddenly refuses. Bela is furious. BELA "Do as I command you!" Bela pulls out an oversized BULLWHIP and starts WHIPPING Tor. Tor screams in agony. BELA "I'll teach you to disobey me!" Bela chases Tor around the set, WHIPPING him. ED And, CUT!!! Impeccable! ON TOR He dances about happily. TOR I love being movie star! Tor jubilantly hugs Loretta. She grimaces. LORETTA Ow. Not so hard, Tor. ON ED A SURLY STAGE MANAGER strides over to Ed. SURLY STAGE MANAGER Hey, Wood. Your check bounced. ED Okay, I'll get you the money later. SURLY STAGE MANAGER No. I need it NOW. Ed nods grimly. He grabs Loretta and takes her aside. ED Sorry to bother you while we're shooting, but the guy who owns the stage needs his money. LORETTA Well then you should pay him, shouldn't you? ED (he smiles) Yeah. Exactly! There's a pause. They stare at each other. ED I kinda need it now. LORETTA (baffled) What are you looking at me like that for? I already gave you my three hundred. ED Yeah. Well I need the other sixty-thousand. LORETTA What other sixty-thousand? ED The other sixty-thousand you said you'd give me. LORETTA You misunderstood. I gave you everything I have in the world: Three-hundred dollars. CLOSEUP - ED He looks like he s going to throw up. ED Oh my God. CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The large stage door SLAMS shut. Ed's disoriented cast and crew stand in the street. Bela, Tor, and Loretta are still in costume. Ed looks totally dazed. He blinks in the bright sunlight. CUT TO: INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're back at the Brown Derby, for another backers party. The same banner is hanging: "BRIDE OF THE ATOM -- NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" The whole crowd is there, dressed up. Bela sits in the corner, knocking back a drink. BELA Here we go again. Paul whispers to Bunny. PAUL MARCO So is Dolores coming? BUNNY (very catty) I can't imagine why. I wouldn't put up with a boyfriend who sold me out for three-hundred dollars...! ON ED Ed stands with a circle of POTENTIAL BACKERS. He has an edge of desperation we've never seen before. ED ...lemme tell you, you can't lose. It's scary! And if you don't like that, it's romantic! Bela Lugosi portrays Dr. Vornoff, and lovely ingenue Loretta King is reporter Janet Lawton. POTENTIAL BACKER Hmm. Lugosi looks pretty old. (he squints across the room) Which role is Vampira playing? ED Vampira...? (bewildered) Why do you ask?? POTENTIAL BACKER Well I see her standing over there. The guy points. Ed turns and looks and Vampira is standing in the next room. She's at a different party. ED Well... she's playing -- (beat) Could you excuse me one moment?? Ed dashes from the room. NEXT ROOM OVER Vampira is drinking with a bunch of artsy-fartsy types. She's in street clothes, but clearly recognizable. Ed runs up. ED Excuse me, Miss Vampira? VAMPIRA Yes? ED (sweaty) You don't know me, but my name is Ed Wood. I'm a film producer. I'm currently in production on a science-fiction piece, with Bela Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson. And I saw you here, and I thought: Kismet! Vampira stares, totally uncomprehending. VAMPIRA I don't understand. Do you want my autograph? ED No. I think my film is perfect for you. VAMPIRA You want me to show it on my TV program? Well I got nothing to do with that. You should call up the station manager at Channel Seven -- ED (unyielding) No! I don't want you to show the movie, I want you to be in it! See, maybe I should explain: We started shooting, but then after three days we got shut down. So we're having a backers party, to raise some more money. Perhaps you'd like to come next door and meet some of the backers...? Vampire glances at her friends. They uncomfortably turn away. VAMPIRA Uh, look, I'm with some friends, and we're about to eat -- ED (begging) Please! It'll only take a minute. You can have some hors d'oeuvres, and meet my backers! There's a really nice dentist from Oxnard... VAMPIRA (pissed off) Look buddy, I'm a big star. I've got real offers from real studios. I don't need to blow some dentist for a part. So forget it! BACK AT THE PARTY The backers glance into the next room. Ed is in front of Vampira, begging on his hands and knees. BACKER (to another backer) I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Let's get out of here. The backers pick up their coats. Through the doorway, Ed sees this. He jumps up and frantically runs back in. ED Where are you guys going?! You can't leave! BACKER (running out) Goodbye, Mr. Wood. ED (insane) You can't go! You haven't seen the storyboards! The backers run out of the room. They're gone. Ed shouts after them. ED Fine! SCREW YOU! If you don't have the balls to roll the dice, then I don't want your stinking money!! No response. ED Please, come back! CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES' HOUSE - DAY Ed and Dolores are being evicted. Their belongings are scattered in front. They bitterly carry furniture out of the house. Ed stumbles and slurs his speech. He is drunk. ED Goddamn landlord. DOLORES I told you this was gonna happen. ED Maybe if you'd come to the backers party, I would've gotten the money. DOLORES That's moronic. Why would a bit player impress a backer? ED (he starts yelling) Look, how many times can I say I'm sorry? I blew it! I thought she was rich. DOLORES That's a good reason to dump your girlfriend. ED I didn't dump you! Get it through your skull -- I just recast the part! Ed drops the furniture. He flops onto the sidewalk. DOLORES You're a fuckin' mess. ED So WHAT?? Look, we gotta figure out where we're gonna stay. DOLORES I'm going to my mother's. ED Does she have room for me? Dolores shakes her head. DOLORES I think you should stay with one of your friends. CUT TO: EXT. TOWERING TEMPLE - NIGHT Ed and Bela stroll through a parking lot. Ed is sobered up and remorseful. Bela wears a beret and smokes a huge cigar. ED Bela, I don't know what I'm doin' anymore... BELA Stop worrying. This is going to raise your spirits. They reach the strange entrance to an avant-garde, Eastern based quasi-religious temple. Bela puts out his cigar, and they enter the oversized doors. INT. TEMPLE - SAME TIME Sphinxes and Bodhisatvas peer down from the marble walls. A service is in progress. A wiry, enigmatic LECTURER speaks. LECTURER Thou eternal sun, who has covered the consciousness with thy golden disc, do thou remove the veil so that I may see the truth within? Bela leads Ed to a seat, stepping past men in fezzes and odd elderly women in fur coats. As the lecture continues, Ed WHISPERS in bafflement. ED What is this place? BELA This is the Philosophical Research Society. A refuge for free thinkers. I've been coming here for twenty years. LECTURER ...for the truth which is within thee is within me. And I am Truth. BELA Most people in this country, they know nothing, about Eastern mysticism. They are afraid of it. (beat) But I am open-minded. It gives me hope. LECTURER We have the wisdom to govern and the divine right to inherit the earth in good condition. We have the power to build worlds. Ed leans in to Bela. ED Was I wrong to cast Loretta? BELA Bad decisions are easy to live with. Forget. Just keep looking forward. ED But was it a bad decision? At the time, I thought her money would save the movie. BELA Eddie, you screwed up. ED (he nods) Yeah, I did. CUT TO: LATER The lecture is over. The speaker shakes hands with people. Bela leads Ed along. BELA In life, the decisions that haunt you are the ones where you just don't know... where right or wrong will never be answered. (beat) Years ago, the Hungarians contacted me. The government wanted me to come home, to be Minister of Culture. ED Really? BELA It was a very impressive offer. Fancy offices, a big home... I'd be treated like a king. ED So why didn't you do it? BELA I didn't know if it was a trick. They might arrest me and throw me in a gulag. (pause) I am Hungary's most famous emigrant. they'd use me as a lesson to anyone who tries to leave. ED But maybe not. BELA Correct. So instead, I stayed here, waiting for my comeback. Always hoping... the next film, the next film... that would be the one. They reach the exit. Ed stops in the huge doorway. ED Your next film. That will be the one. Bela smiles sweetly. CUT TO: INT. MCCOY MEATPACKING PLANT - DAY We're in a noisy meat-packing plant. WORKERS in blood-stained aprons slam cleavers into hunks of beef. Ed walks down an aisle with DONALD E. McCOY, a wealthy Texan meat man. Old Man McCoy is a tough-talking, tobacco-chewing, straight shooter. ED ...and then Dr. Vornoff falls in the pit, and his own octopus attacks and eats him! The End. OLD MAN McCOY Whew! That's quite a story. So you made the movie, and now you want to make it again? ED (gently correcting him) No. We shot ten minutes of the movie, and now we're looking for completion funds. OLD MAN McCOY Son, you're too vague. I come from the world of business. I need to know what I get for my investment. ED Movies are very popular. You could make a lot of money. OLD MAN McCOY Yeah, but most of 'em flop, don't they? What am I tangibly guaranteed? ED Well... you get "Executive Producer" credit. OLD MAN McCOY That don't mean diddley. (he suddenly SHOUTS angrily) BILLY BOB! You're cutting 'em TOO LEAN. McCoy grabs a CLEAVER from a worker and slams it into a chop. ED Mr. McCoy, how can I make you happy? OLD MAN McCOY Cut to the chase, heh? That's good! That's very good. McCoy SPITS his tobacco. OLD MAN McCOY Okay, two things. Number one: I want the movie to end with a big explosion. Sky full of smoke. ED But the story ends with Dr. Vornoff falling in the pit -- OLD MAN McCOY Not anymore. And number two: I've got a son. He's a little slow -- but a good boy. And something tells me he'd make a hell of a leading man... Under Ed's cheery frozen smile, his face clearly falls. CUT TO: INT. SALT LAKE CITY AUDITORIUM - NIGHT We're at a ROWDY wrestling match. Tor Johnson is in the middle of a screaming, four-man tag-team event. Tor THROWS his opponent to the ground; then tags with his partner and goes to the corner. Suddenly a WRESTLING COACH runs up, dragging a telephone on a very long cord. WRESTLING COACH Tor, you got a phone call! TOR Heh? NOW? WRESTLING COACH They said it was an emergency! He hands sweaty Tor the phone. Tor speaks into it. TOR Hallo? ED'S VOICE Tor, this is Ed! Glad I could find you! I got the money, and we resume shooting tomorrow morning! TOR But I'm in Utah. ED'S VOICE Then you'll have to drive all night! I'm counting on you, big guy. Breakfast is at seven. CLICK. Ed hangs up. Tor is flabbergasted. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - EARLY MORNING "Bride Of The Atom" is back in production! Ed's stock company is reunited. People drink coffee and gossip. PAUL MARCO This is unbelievable! I woulda bet a million bucks that Ed wouldn't finish this picture. CAMERAMAN BILL It ain't finished yet. Anything could happen. The stage door opens and standing there, in silhouette, is Dolores. Everybody quiets. People glance nervously at Loretta. BUNNY Uh-oh. Stay out of scratching distance. AT DOLORES Ed runs over. Dolores is beautifully made-up, and wearing a furry angora sweater. Ed speaks, awkwardly. ED Honey, you made it! I wasn't sure you got my message. DOLORES (icy) Of course I'm here. Today is the file clerk's big scene. ED That's right... DOLORES I see the usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here. (she looks around) Say, who's the lug? In a corner, standing by himself, is dumb TONY McCOY, Old Man McCoy's worthless son. He's a good-looking, moody hunk. Tony is practicing his lines from a script, but he's terribly stiff. TONY "Now Janet, I want you straying away -- oops -- staying away from the old Willows Place." Ed shrugs. ED That's Tony McCoy. He's playing Lieutenant Dick Craig. DOLORES Oh really? How much money did he put up? ED None. (beat) But his dad gave me fifty grand. DOLORES (snide) Wood Productions. The mark of quality. ED Hey, the movie's getting made. That's the main thing. Dolores shakes her head contemptuously. Then she strides off. Ed stands alone, feeling bad. WIPE TO: ON STAGE The set is a one-wall "office hallway": A doorway and a water cooler. Loretta sits in a make-up chair, as Harry works on her. DOLORES (O.S.) Hey Harry -- long time no see. Harry turns, surprised. Dolores stands behind him. There's a thick tension. He smiles anxiously. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY Hi Dolores... LORETA Oh, you're Dolores?! I've heard so much about you! I'm Loretta King. (she chipperly jumps up) Here, take the chair. DOLORES (bitchy) Don't be silly -- let Harry finish. You still need more work. LORETTA No, I'm done. All I needed was a touch-up. DOLORES Mm, that mole still shows. Loretta frowns. Ed quickly steps in. ED Ladies! You both look fine. Why don't we talk about the scene? (beat) Okay. Janet Lawton has discovered that Dr. Vornoff bought the old Willows estate. So now she wants to prove that all the monster stories are true. Dolores nods sourly. She s in a trouble-making mood. DOLORES Eddie, what's my motivation? ED (thrown off) Oh. Er... well you're the file clerk. You're hurrying into the next room, when you bump into Janet. DOLORES But what's our relationship? Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance? ED (annoyed) Dolores, I got five days to shoot this movie. Quit kidding around. WIPE TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT We're watching DAILIES. Projected ON SCREEN, a camera assistant claps the slate. We hear Ed yell: "Action!" Loretta hurries down the hallway. Dolores sees her run past and shouts out. DOLORES (as File Clerk) "Janet, the boss has been looking for you." LORETTA (as Janet Lawton) "Thanks." Loretta runs out. Dolores just stands there. We HEAR Ed: "CUT! PERFECT!" Dolores turns deadpan to the camera. DOLORES Of course it was. The FILM runs out. ON THE AUDIENCE The screening room lights come up on the crew. Ed sits in gloomy haze. Suddenly, there's loud CLAPPING from the back of the room. CRISWELL Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico! ED (he smiles) Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot. CRISWELL My pleasure. I'm always happy to assist in a little larceny. CUT TO: INT. CADILLAC - NIGHT g pink Cadillac convertible races down the Ed and Criswell are in front, and Tor, Conrad and Paul to the back. TOR My head is cold. CRISWELL You know how much this car cost me? CONRAD Ten thousand dollars. CRISWELL ONE DOLLAR! Miss Mae West herself sold it to me. She said, Cris, you belong in a pink Cadillac! Criswell turns to Ed. CRISWELL Incidentally, you promise you're not going to scratch my car...? ED (cocky) I told you, the octopus is made of rubber. This is a piece o' cake. EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men climb over a fence. They're breaking into Republic Studios. Paul is panicked. PAUL MARCO Ed, you said you were getting permission. ED Uh, I couldn't reach the guy... he was in meetings all day. But this'll be great, I promise! Ed smiles at Conrad. Conrad shrugs. Tor struggles. TOR I'm no good at climbink. Tor gives up, and simply BASHES through the locked gate. Everyone is amazed. Tor laughs. TOR I'm good at bashink!! CRISWELL Hey, keep it down. My publicist will throttle me if we get caught. They all sneak across the shadowy lot. Remnants of old scary sets tower over them. OUTSIDE A SOUNDSTAGE They reach a stage door. Ed tries it -- but it's locked. ED Oh. I thought they kept this open. A pause. Everyone looks at Tor. He grins. TOR Lobo will fix! Tor grabs the heavy door and easily SNAPS the lock. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME This place is the mythic eclectic prop room. Guillotines, rocketships, a stuffed vulture... strange mysterious props from untold movies loom everywhere in the darkness. It's a place of wonderment and fear. The men stare in awe. CONRAD Wow. PAUL MARCO This place gives se the creeps. Let's get the hell out of here. ED Not so fast. First we have to get it down. Ed gestures above. Everyone glances straight up. THEIR POV A giant OCTOPUS is lashed to the ceiling. CUT TO: LATER Conrad and Criswell are way up on the catwalk, holding onto dangling Paul by his belt. Paul leans way out, reaching for the octopus. He shouts nervously. PAUL MARCO You're sure this is gonna work? ED (O.S.) Yes! PAUL MARCO You're sure??? ED (O.S.) YES! JUST DO IT! WIDE VIEW Standing straight below is Tor. The Swede has his arms outstretched, waiting. Ed supervises a good distance away. He motions to Paul. Paul gulps, then unties the octopus. It drops incredibly fast. The thing must weigh half a ton. Tor's eyes widen. And the octopus smashes straight on top of him. BAM! Tor is gone from sight. One of the eight tentacles snaps off. UP IN THE CATWALK Criswell moans. CRISWELL Oh my God. We killed him. ON THE GROUND Ed runs to the octopus and looks for Tor underneath. ED Tor! Are you okay?! A beat. And then the octopus flips over. Tor sits up, battered but smiling. TOR Bedder than wrestlink! EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men hurry across the lot, carrying the hubongous octopus on their shoulders. Suddenly, a FLASHLIGHT shines on them. ANGRY VOICE Hey! What are you doing?! The men jump with fear. They break into a fast waddling run. CRISWELL Thank God Tor broke the fence. The team runs through the busted gate and escapes. EXT. STUDIOS - NIGHT The Cadillac SCREECHES away. The octopus flops on top of the five men. WIPE TO: EXT. GRIFFITH PARK - NIGHT The movie crew is setting up for a big night shoot. Lights and generators are sprawled across this isolated area. Tony McCoy perches goofily on his own personalized chair. He runs lines by himself. TONY "Now Janet, I want you staying away from the old Willows Place." The octopus lays in a dried-up riverbed. There's only about an inch of water. Ed yells at Conrad. ED You don't understand! The octopus is supposed to live in a lake! CONRAD This is kind of a stream-- ED NO! It has to be UNDERWATER! Ed storms away. Conrad scratches his head. IN A DUSTY PARKING LOT Bela sits inertly in the back of an open car. He weakly hails over Ed. BELA Eddie, I'm so tired... I don't know if I can handle a night shoot... ED Nonsense! You look great -- (suddenly he catches himself; he speaks more sincerely) Look, uh, why don't you lie down and take a little nap? We'll film around you for a while. ED Thanks, buddy... Ed smiles warmly, then walks off. Bela stares after him, then absent-mindedly searches through his pockets. Finally, he finds what he's looking for -- a rubber tube. Bela looks to make sure no one's around, then ties the tube around his upper arm... AT THE SET - LATER Crew members have dammed up the end of the river, and Bunny fills it with a hose. There is now a foot of water. Ed stands at the shore, admiring it. ED Hey. This is looking good! (he turns to Paul) Paul, where's the octopus motor? PAUL MARCO What octopus motor? ED You know, to make the legs move -- PAUL MARCO (defensive) Hey, don't blame me! You didn't say anything about no motor when I was up on that ceiling! Bela stumbles up, with a dazed smile. BELA Let's shoot this fucker! Where do I go? ED You'll be fighting with the octopus. BELA Out there?! (he points at the water) What happened to the stream? ED This'll look a lot better. We have to match the stock footage of the octopus underwater. BELA Oh, for Christ's sake. Bela rolls up his pants and wades out, into the water. He screams. BELA Goddamn, it's cold! ED Once you're in it, it warms up. BELA Fuck you! You come out here. (beat) Hey, toss me that J.D. A crew member throws Bela a bottle of Jack Daniels. Bela pops the cap and chugs half the bottle in one swig. He licks his lips, then climbs onto the octopus. BELA Okay! How do we turn this thing on? ED Bela, somebody misplaced the motor. So when you wrestle the octopus, shake the legs a bit, to make it look like it's killing you. Bela stares, deadpan. BELA Do you know I turned down "Frankenstein"? ED Huh? BELA After I did "Dracula," the studio offered me "Frankenstein"! But I turned it down, the part wasn't sexy enough. It was too degrading for a big star like me. The crew glances at Ed. ED Bela, I've got twenty-five scenes to shoot tonight. BELA Don't let me slow you down. ED Alright! Let's put it on film. CAMERA! SOUND! Bela takes another swig of J.D., then throws it off-camera. ED ACTION! Bela starts flailing around the octopus legs and SCREAMING in horror. This image is truly ridiculous. Ed is pleased. Some crew members nod: Pretty good. ED And CUT! Everybody cheers. Then suddenly the dam walls BURST. WHOOSH! The water rushes from the lake and floods the park below. WIPE TO: EXT. DINKY SOUNDSTAGES - EARLY MORNING Crew members straggle in for the final shoot. Everybody looks bleary-eyed from last night. Ed stands cheerily at the entrance, greeting them. ED C'mon! Just one more day! Just have some coffee, you'll feel better! Tony staggers up. TONY Mr. Wood, I only got one hour of sleep. ED Yeah? Well I got no sleep, and I feel great! Ed sees Bela slowly shuffling along. Ed runs over to him. ED Bela. I just wanna thank you again for last night. BELA (exhausted) That's fine, Eddie. All in the line of duty. ED No. Seriously. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done for me. A great man like you shouldn't have to run around in freezing water at four in the morning. BELA Well, there aren't too many other fellas I'd do it for... ED (he smiles, then pulls out a script page) I wrote something special for you. I got to thinking about all the sacrifices you've made... and so I wrote you a new final speech. Ed hands him the paper. Bela starts reading it, as Ed watches anxiously. Bela is very touched. BELA (still reading) Eddie, this is quite a scene. ED I know it's a lot to give you at the last second. Bela looks up. BELA These lines -- I'll have no problem remembering. WIPE TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY They are shooting. Ed watches off-camera, as Bela acts a somber scene with an actor playing PROFESSOR STROWSKI, a threatening European. STROWSKI "Our government wants you to return... to continue your experiments there. Where you can have everything at your disposal." BELA (as VORNOFF) "My dear Professor Strowski, twenty years ago I was banned from my home land. I was classed as a madman -- a charlatan -- outlawed in the world of science which previously honored me as a genius!" (he gets very subdued) "Now here in this forsaken jungle hell, I have proven that I am alright." STROWSKI "Yes, the authorities have learned how correct your findings were. So I am here -- sent to bring you home." BELA (impassioned) "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people -- a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" It's an incredible performance of crowning tragedy. Bela is totally drained. CU - ED He is very moved. He whispers, barely audible. ED Cut. It's a wrap. CUT TO: INT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - NIGHT The wrap party is being thrown in the meat packing plant. People laugh and shout and carry on. Tor pours booze in the punch. R&B MUSIC plays. Old Man McCoy dances with Loretta. Bunny dances with a young stud. Dolores stands by herself. Bela and Criswell are giggling. CRISWELL So you sleep in coffins?! BELA Yes. There is nothing more comfortable. CRISWELL I can't believe this! I sleep in coffins! BELA No. CRISWELL YES! My father ran a mortuary -- it's an old habit! They CLINK beers. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Outside, Vampira and two GIRL FRIENDS walk up. They peer at a tin sign. GIRLFRIEND #1 "McCoy Meat Packing"? Are you sure there's a party here? VAMPIRA (holding an INVITATION) Yeah, I got this invitation. It's a "Bride Of The Atom" party, whatever that means. They open the large steel door, and INSIDE is the wild bash. INT. PARTY Across the room, Paul and Conrad chat. PAUL MARCO "Glen Or Glenda," now that was a hell of a picture. CONRAD Well, this new one's gonna be a hundred times better. PAUL MARCO Is that possible? Dolores overhears this. She stares in disbelief. AT THE TURNTABLE Someone changes the record. Brassy STRIPPER MUSIC begins. A door opens, and Ed struts out, in full gaudy drag. Everybody turns. They start WHISTLING and HOLLARING. Ed grins, and starts into a wacky bump-and-grind. VOICE Go, baby, go! Bunny runs up and sticks a dollar bill between Ed's fake tits. People LAUGH hysterically. Dolores is appalled. Ed shimmies to the music, blowing kisses all around. He sees Vampira and waves. Vampira's jaw drops in recognition. VAMPIRA I don't believe it. It's him! Ed sashays up to Bela and dances a few steps with him. The music is building to a climax. Ed hurries off to center stage -- and as the MUSIC ENDS, he does a final swing of his hips, then suddenly yanks out his teeth! This brings down the house. Everyone STAMPS their feet and CLAPS crazily. ANGLE - DOLORES Everyone, except Dolores. Suddenly, she explodes. DOLORES You people are INSANE! Take a look around -- you're all FREAKS! The room quiets. Dolores has snapped. DOLORES You're wasting your lives making SHIT! Nobody cares! These movies are TERRIBLE! (beat) I can't take it any longer! The group is shocked. Nobody speaks. Dolores runs out of the party. Ed just stands, dumbstruck. Then he chases after her, in his high heels and dress. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Dolores runs across the parking lot, in tears. Ed catches up with her. ED Dolores, wait! DOLORES Ed, it's over. I need a normal life. ED (hurt) Did you really mean those things you said..? Dolores stops. DOLORES I'm tired of living on the fringe. ED But you used to say -- DOLORES Ed... I just stuck it out so you could finish your movie. (pause) Now that it's done, so am I. She turns and walks away. Ed is crushed. He stands motionless, in his dress, in the dark. CUT TO: INT. ED'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY Ed's new home is a single apartment, still filled with moving boxes. Half-eaten plates of food are scattered about. Ed lies asleep in bed, unshaven, in the middle of the day. The phone RINGS. Ed awakens and woozily answers it. ED Yeah... TOR (on phone) Ed, dit I wake you? It's two in avternoon. ED No, I was just doin' a little work... TOR (on phone) Bullchit! You been like dis too many days. I want to cheer you up. EXT. TOR'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ed drives his Nash though a tract Valley neighborhood and reaches Tor's little house. Ed gets out, still looking groggy. He walks up the tulip-lined path and rings the DOORBELL. Clanging SWEDISH CHIMES bong inside. The door flies open, and Tor appears, beaming. TOR Edvard, you come! Tor gives Ed a back-breaking hug. INT. TOR'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps in. The house is filled with cuckoo clocks and little Swedish knick-knacks. Tor gestures proudly. TOR I'm so happy you visit. Meet my family! Greta, Karl, and Connie! THREE COLOSSAL PEOPLE lumber out. Tor has the largest family we've ever seen. Not fat -- but big-boned. GRETA is Tor's gigantic Swedish wife, and KARL and CONNIE are their two elephantine children. They ADLIB greetings: "Hallo!" "Welcome!" "Is a pleasure!" Ed cannot believe what he's seeing. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Everyone noisily eats dinner. The table looks like a Smorgasbord. Entire hams, turkeys, a full case of beer, incredible quantities are being shoveled in. Tor empties a beer in one gulp, then opens another. CONNIE Pass the meatballs. KARL This strudel is delicious, Mama. Ed is stupefied. He picks at a little dainty serving. TOR Hey! You're not eatink. ED Uh, I don't have much of an appetite lately. TOR The food will make you feel bedder. Look at me -- I'm da happiest guy I know! All the Johnsons CHUCKLE. ED I'd be happy too, if I had such a great family. TOR Don't worry. You just haven't met right woman yet. (beat) Oopsy. That cabbage goes right through me. Tor stands and hurries from the room. Ed awkwardly makes conversation. ED Greta, your husband is a terrific actor. You should come down and visit the set. GRETA I don't think so. ED No, it's really no problem at all! GRETA (steely) I do not approve of what you do with my husband Tor. He is not a monster. These horror pictures are humiliating. Ed has no response. Suddenly -- CRASH! There's a loud o.s. SLAM, falling porcelain, then Tor SHOUTS FURIOUSLY in Swedish. TOR (O.S.) OUCH! GODDAMMIT! Earl and Connie begin giggling. Ed is totally baffled. Tor runs out, angrily holding a BROKEN TOILET SEAT. It is split in two. TOR Look, it happened again! Ed is boggle-eyed. This house is sadness. ED Tor, I should be getting home. TOR Nonsense! You must try our hot glug. DISSOLVE TO: LATER It's very late. Tor and Ed sit in the living room, drinking from a steaming pot of hot stilled wine. They are smashed. TOR My friend, you tink Greta is first woman I ever see? No! Many duds, before I find her. ED But I thought me and Dolores had something. TOR Forget her! Move on. A good lookink boy like you as you can have any girl you wish. Tor finishes his glug, and then his eyes roll back into his head, and he falls off the couch. He starts SNORING. Ed stares at Tor, then gets up. Ed turns off the lights and goes home. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed smokes a cigarette and watches TV. ON THE TV Vampira is doing her shtick. VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! That was so scary, it gave me goosebumps. (someone QUACKS os.; she pretends to be angry) No, dummy! I didn't say "goose," I said "goosebumps." Ugh! Well, be sure to join me next week, for "THE MUMMY'S CURSE." Until then... pleasant nightmares. Vampira blows a kiss, then disappears into the mist. A USED CAR COMMERCIAL abruptly comes on. ON ED He stares at the TV, then picks up the phone. CUT TO: INT. TV STUDIOS - SAME TIME Vampira is walking off stage. She removes her black wig. VAMPIRA God, we need some better jokes on this show. A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT carries over a phone. ASSISTANT Vampira, you got a phone call. VAMPIRA At this hour? (she takes the phone) Hello? ED'S VOICE Vampira! Hi, this is Ed Wood. VAMPIRA Who? ED'S VOICE Ed Wood! You came to my party. I directed "Bride Of The Atom"! VAMPIRA Oh. Yeah. You. Ed pauses, nervously. ED'S VOICE Well, I was wondering if maybe sometime you'd like to go out, and maybe grab some dinner. VAMPIRA You mean like a date? I thought you were a fag. ED'S VOICE ME?! No, uh, I'm just a transvestite. VAMPIRA Isn't that the same thing? ED'S VOICE No, no! I like girls. So how 'bout Friday? VAMPIRA (uncomfortable) Look, you seem like a nice guy, Ed, but you're just not my type. (beat) But keep in touch. Let me know when your movie opens. CUT BACK TO: CLOSEUP - ED Click. The phone hangs up. Poor Ed just stands there, forlorn. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, Mr. Lonely Guy, feeling sorry for himself. He glances in a coffee shop, and sees a sweet young woman inside. Her name is NORMA McCARTY. She wears a bow in her hair, Mary Jane shoes, and a fuzzy white angora sweater. Ed's eyes widen. INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME TIME Innocent Norma sits by herself, eating. ED'S VOICE Excuse me. Is that angora? Norma looks up. Standing over her is Ed, smiling. NORMA Why... yes. ED Don't you think angora has a tactile sensuality lacking in all other clothing? NORMA I suppose. It's very expensive. ED It's made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas. NORMA What are you, an angora wholesaler? ED No, I work in pictures. I'm a director-actor-writer-producer. NORMA (she laughs) Ah, c'mon! Nobody does all that. ED Two people do. Orson Welles and me. NORMA Wow. ED You know, you're a very attractive girl. Norma blushes. NORMA My goodness, you're embarrassing me. ED You shouldn't be embarrassed by the truth. (he smoothly sits down) Mind if I order some hotcakes...? CUT TO: INT. CRISWELL'S CADILLAC - NIGHT Criswell and Paul drive at night. They're dressed-up. SWING MUSIC plays on the radio. CRISWELL So who's the surprise for? PAUL MARCO I dunno. Ed was real mysterious. All he'd say was it's a surprise party. CRISWELL Isn't that like him! (beat) And isn't that like us -- that we show up anyway. They pull up to a GUARD GATE. They're at a studio. CRISWELL Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. GUARD They've rented Stage 12. Drive straight back. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT There is another rambunctious party in progress. Crepe paper streamers hang down. Bela approaches Tor. BELA So what are we doing here? TOR Nobody knows. But there's a lotta booze. Suddenly Ed steps into the middle of the room. He's extremely handsome in his tuxedo, and beaming happily. ED Excuse me! Could everyone please quiet down? (the room quiets) First of all, I want to thank you, all my good friends, for being here tonight. And second, if you're wondering what the big surprise is... well, TONIGHT I'M GETTING MARRIED!! The crowd is stunned. Many people DROP their glasses. Ed proudly pulls out Norma. She's in a wedding gown. ED Everybody, this is Norma! ON BELA AND TOR They're bewildered. Bela WHISPERS. BELA Who the fuck is she?? TOR I never heard of her. Ed walks over. He hugs Bela. ED And Bela, I want you to be the best man! Bela smiles -- trying to hide his total confusion. DISSOLVE TO: LATER The wedding is in progress. The crowd is seated. A MINISTER performs the ceremony with Ed and Norma. MINISTER ...Norma, do you promise to love, honor, and cherish... IN THE CROWD Everybody is QUIETLY GOSSIPING. BUNNY I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. PAUL MARCO (he taps him on the shoulder) I hear she's an actress who gave him money. CONRAD Nah, I heard she's his childhood sweetheart from Poughkeepsie. CRISWELL I predict it's Dolores in a mask. AT THE ALTAR The Minister is speaking to Ed. MINISTER ...in sickness and in health, till death do you part? ED I do. MINISTER (he smiles) Then I now pronounce you man and wife. Ed kisses Norma. The crowd doesn't applaud. They're too baffled by this whole event. DISSOLVE TO: THE RECEPTION Everyone's drinking and dancing. Ed proudly introduces Norma to his buddies. ED Norma, this is Bela -- Bela, this is Norma. Norma, this is Tor -- Tor, this is Norma. Norma, this is Paul Paul, this is Norma. PAUL MARCO (he can't resist) So how long have you known Eddie? NORMA (sweetly) Since Tuesday. Criswell grabs Ed and pulls him aside. CRISWELL Edward, are you sure you know what you're doing? ED Yeah. It seems a little crazy, but sometimes you just know. She's perfect for me. Outside, a car HONKS. ED Oop, that's our cue! (to Norma) Honey, we gotta go. GOODBYE, EVERYBODY! Ed and Norma run out the door. The crowd hurries after them. OUTSIDE Ed and Norma jump into his Nash. It says "Just Married" and is festooned with dangling tin cans. The car screeches away. The cans RATTLE NOISILY, then slowly fade into the distance... CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT We're at a desert roadside motel, the San Bernardino Arms. A "Vacancy" light flashes. INT. MOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME Ed excitedly carries Norma over the threshold. He throws her onto the bed, and they start ardently making out. NORMA Eddie, I'm just a small-town girl. I've never done this before. ED (kissing her) Don't worry, I'll teach you. He helps her remove her wedding dress. She is very shy. NORMA Be understanding. I don't know anything. Ed removes his jacket, then gestures to his shirt. Norma nervously starts unbuttoning it. Ed bites his lip in anticipation. Norma opens the shirt... and inside, Ed is wearing a bra! Norma is horrified. NORMA What the heck is THIS?!! ED Honey, I have a little secret to share with you. CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL - SAME TIME There's a loud woman's SCREAM. Then the door slams open, and Norma runs hysterically out, clutching her dress about her. NORMA Stay away from me! You're perverted! Ed runs out after her. ED Please, be compassionate. I'm your husband! NORMA No you're not! This marriage was never consummated. I'm getting an annulment! CUT TO: EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS - LATE NIGHT Ed drives sadly through the streets, alone. His car still says "Just Married," and the tin cans RATTLE behind him. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT Ed's car pulls up. Ed stumbles out, yanks off the tin cans, and throws them in someone's trash. Ed despondently approaches Bela's. Inside, a light glows, and the dogs BARK. Ed is relieved. Bela's awake. He BANGS on the door. ED Bela, let me in! Bela, it's Eddie. He keeps BANGING. Finally the door opens -- and Bela stands there, shakily waving a gun! Bela is doped up, glassy-eyed, and disturbingly haggard. BELA Why are you here?? ED Shit! Bela, what's with the gun? BELA Why aren't you on your honeymoon? Where's Myrna? ED Norma. She changed her mind. She doesn't wanna marry me. (beat) Can you put down the gun? Bela weakly lowers the gun. INT. BELA'S Ed walks in, in a near-stupor. Needles and drug paraphernalia are scattered about ED What are you doing? BELA I was thinking about killing myself. ED Jesus Christ, what an evening. (he looks around) What happened? BELA (near tears) Eddie, I received a letter from the government. They're cutting off my unemployment. That's all I've got. Without it, I can't pay the rent... ED Don't you have any savings? BELA I'm obsolete. I have nothing to live for. Tonight, I should die. (distraught) And you should come with me. Frail Bela points the gun at Ed. Ed is terrified. ED Buddy, I don't know if that's such a good idea. BELA It'll be wonderful. We'll be at peace. In the afterlife, you don't have to worry about finding work. ED Bela, I'm on your side. C'mon, give me the gun... (he cautiously steps forward) If you give me the gun, I'll make you a drink. What are you drinking? BELA Formaldehyde. Ed stares in anguish. ED Straight up or on the rocks? Bela drops the gun. He starts weeping. Ed walks over and hugs the shaking old man. ED Don't worry. BELA I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm so sorry. ED Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right. CUT TO: EXT. HOSPITAL - STILL LATER THAT NIGHT Ed's car pulls up at the South Metropolitan State Hospital. It's a grim, unwelcoming edifice. Ed helps weak Bela from the car. They look at each other, then Ed gingerly leads Bela in. INT. HOSPITAL - SAME TIME The lobby is clammy and dim. Ed and Bela reach the desk. A NURSE looks up, startled. NURSE My goodness, you gave me the willies. You look like that Dracula guy. BELA (very somber) My name is Bela Lugosi. I wish to commit myself. NURSE For what reason? BELA I have been a drug addict for twenty years. I need help... The nurse nods. She takes Bela's arm and leads him away. Bela glances at Ed, then steps through a wide door. As it swings shut, we see a DOCTOR walk over and shake Bela's hand. Ed stares at the door, dazed by all that's happened. He sits down in a chair, exhausted. Ed's eyes slowly close, and he falls asleep... DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL - MORNING Ed is still asleep, but now sunlight beats in. Ed stirs and wakes up. He groggily looks around, and sitting across from him is a woman, knitting. This is KATHY O'HARA, 26, solid, reflective, with a dry sense of humor. Ed peers at her. ED Hello. KATHY Hello. (beat) You're sleeping in a tuxedo. ED I got married last night. KATHY Oh. Congratulations. ED The marriage already ended. KATHY Oh. My condolences. Ed watches her knit. ED What are you making? KATHY Booties for my father. He gets cold in this hospital. ED How long's he been here? KATHY This is my thirteenth pair. Ed nods. He spots the Doctor walk by. ED Excuse me. (he runs to the Doctor) Doctor? I'm with Mr. Lugosi. How is he? DOCTOR Well... there's a lot of junk in his system for such an old man. Apparently, he was addicted to morphine, tried to kick it, and got re-addicted to methadone. ED Will he be okay? DOCTOR We'll do our best. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - NIGHT We are outside Bela's room. He can be glimpsed inside, strapped to the bed and SCREAMING in pain. He is going through painful withdrawal and shakes horribly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - ANOTHER DAY Ed strides into the hospital, wearing different clothes, and carrying a box of chocolates. He waves at the nurse. ED Hi, Lillian. NURSE (she smiles) Hi, Ed. Boy, he's got a lot of visitors today. ED He does? Ed is puzzled. He hurries back. INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY A crowd of NEWSPAPER REPORTERS and PHOTOGRAPHERS overflow Bela's room. Ed is astonished. ED What's going on here?! Excuse me! INT. HOSPITAL ROOM Decrepit Bela is propped up in his bed, as the mob of reporters throw questions at hit and SNAP shots: "Bela, how long have you been a junkie??" "Bela, look this way!" Ed angrily pushes through. ED Everybody out! This is a hospital! Get out of here. Ed forces them out, then SLAMS the door. ED What happened?! BELA (in a hoarse whisper) Isn't it wonderful? After all these years, the press is showing an interest again in Bela Lugosi. ED (surprised) Bela, they're parasites! They just want to exploit you. BELA Fine. Let them! There is no such thing as bad press. A man from New York even said he's putting me on the front page! First celebrity to ever check into rehab. (he smiles feebly) When I get out of here, I will be healthy. Strong! I will be primed for my comeback! Bela starts COUGHING heavily. Ed stares sadly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LOBBY - ANOTHER DAY Ed sits tensely in the lobby, holding vigil. Kathy O'Hara walks by. KATHY Oh, it's you again. ED Oh, hi. KATHY You look beat. ED I am. How's your father? KATHY He's better. Thank you for asking. (pause) How's your friend? ED Not good... Kathy reaches in her purse and pulls out two black booties. KATHY Well, I made him some booties to cheer him up. (beat) They're black -- to match his cape. She smiles. Ed slowly smiles in response. But this isn't his normal slick smile. It's gentler. Sincere. ED Would you maybe like to get a coffee..? DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY Ed and the Doctor stand in a doorway, talking. DOCTOR We thought Mr. Lugosi was insured though the Screen Actors Guild. ED Isn't he? DOCTOR No. They say his eligibility ran out years ago. ED Look, he doesn't have any money... but I'll give you everything I've got. I have a few hundred dollars. The Doctor shakes his head grimly. DOCTOR That won't even begin to cover it. He's going to have to leave. INT. BELA'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Bela lies sleeping in bed, pasty and pale. NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS of his hospital stay are tacked up. Ed anxiously tiptoes in. He quietly speaks. ED Bela, wake up. Bela stirs lethargically. Ed puts on a fake smile. ED I've got some good news. The doctor says you're all better. You can come home. BELA (so weak, he's barely audible) Really? I don't feel so great. ED No, you look good. And the tests came back fine. (a poignant pause) C'mon... Ed gingerly helps Bela up. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY Bela slowly gets into Ed's car. BELA Eddie, I wanna make another picture. When are we gonna make another picture? ED Soon, Bela... Soon. CUT TO: INT. CAMERA RENTAL HOUSE - DAY Ed is desperately trying to cut a deal with the OLD MANAGER. ED Please, I just need it for one afternoon! OLD MANAGER Ed, if I cut a deal for you, I gotta cut one for everybody. ED This is different! It'll mean so much to me. All I need is a camera and a tripod. No lights, no sound. Nothin' fancy. OLD MANAGER And that's it? ED And one roll of film. The old guy gives Ed a tough look. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - DAY Bela is dressed in his Sunday finest, standing in front of his little house. He wears a cloak and a wide-brimmed hat. BELA This is so exciting. Another production! WE WIDEN. Out on the lawn... is just Ed. With the camera. BELA So Eddie, don't we need a sound crew? ED No, this is just the second unit. We'll do the main footage later. BELA Oh. So what is the scene about? ED (improvising) Uh... you're a very important and respected man. You're leaving your house... and you're in a hurry to a big social event. Bela nods. He mulls this over. BELA Okay. But what if I'm not in too big a hurry? What if I take a moment to slow down and savor the beauty of life? To smell a flower? ED (he smiles) That's great. Let's do a take. WIDE Bela goes in the front door. Ed gets behind the camera, then turns it ON. ED Okay, roll camera! Rolling. Scene One, Take One! (pause) And... ACTION! There's a moment. And then Bela slowly steps outside, calm, dignified, walking with a cane. He looks about -- and then something catches his eye. He leans down and picks a flower. Bela smells the flower, then abruptly drops it. He starts crying. A pause, and then he composes himself. The old man slowly shuffles out of frame. Ed peers emotionally from behind the camera. ED And, cut... BELA Eddie, how was I? ED (quiet) Perfect. Bela is pleased. BELA Good. (beat) Now what about my close up? CUT TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD DUPLEX - DUSK Ed's Nash convertible pulls up outside a neat little duplex in a nice neighborhood. Ed is dressed up for a date. He checks his hair nervously in the mirror, revealing an anxious boyishness we've never seen before. Ed carries a bouquet of flowers to the front door. He rings the bell. Kathy opens the door. She looks very pretty in a full skirt with a crinolin. KATHY Oh, flowers! I didn't know you were so traditional. ED (a little embarrassed) I just picked them up on the way over... KATHY They're very nice. (she smiles sweetly) Let me get my coat. EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT Ed and Kathy are at a tattered traveling carnival. Rattling steel rides and flashing lights spin about them. They stroll through the crowds eating cotton candy. Kathy wears one of Ed's flowers on her dress. KATHY So have you always lived in L.A.? ED No. I'm from back east. You know, All-American small town... everybody knew everybody, I was a Boy Scout, my dad worked for the post office... KATHY Sounds like you lived in Grovers Corners. INT. SPOOK HOUSE - NIGHT Ed and Kathy ride through the old mechanical spook house. KATHY Did you find it boring? ED Nah, 'cause I had my comic books. And I read pulp magazines. And I listened to the radio dramas... A wooden WITCH jumps out at them. They ignore it. KATHY Oh. I loved those shows! "Inner Sanctum"... "The Shadow" -- ED (getting excited) Yeah! Don't forget "Mercury Theatre"... And then every Saturday, I'd go to the little movie theater down the street. I even started ushering there. A creaky GHOST flies overhead. KATHY You're not gonna believe the first picture I ever saw. Your friend's. ED What do you mean? KATHY "Dracula." Ed freaks out. ED That's INCREDIBLE! That's the first picture I ever saw!! WIDE Mechanical BATS drop down and flap around them. KATHY That is incredible! (beat) You know, I had to sleep with the lights on for a week after seeing that movie. ED I had to sleep with the lights on for a month. (he smiles) But I never missed a Lugosi picture after that. KATHY A few years ago, I actually saw him do "Dracula" live. I thought he was much scarier in person. CLOSEUP - ED He starts at Kathy in wonder. He is overcome. Their car SMASHES through the tin exit doors. EXT. SPOOK HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed and Kathy's little car comes to a stop. He gets very serious. ED Kathy, I'm about to tell you something I've never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know. (beat) I like to wear women's clothes. KATHY Huh? ED I like to wear women's clothes: Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps... it's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you, but I really like you, and I don't want it getting in the way down the road. Kathy is amazed. She contemplates all this. KATHY Does this mean you don't like sex with girls? ED No! I love sex with girls. KATHY Oh. Okay. ED (surprised) Okay? Kathy slyly grins. KATHY Okay. Ed grins back. A moment. CUT TO: INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Ed is on the telephone. We SPLIT-SCREEN with Vampira. ED (on phone) Vampira! Hi, it's Ed Wood. VAMPIRA (on phone) Ed, I told you, I don't wanna go out! ED No, don't worry, I moved on. I was just calling to see if you want to attend the world premiere of my new film, "Bride Of The Monster." VAMPIRA (confused) Didn't you just make one called "Bride Of The Atom"? ED It's the same film. But the distributor wanted a punchier title. C'mon! It's gonna be a big event -- we're going all out! Bela, Tor, and Cris are coming. You'll have fun! Vampira rolls her eyes. CUT TO: EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Hundreds of KIDS and TEENAGERS enter a dilapidated second-run theater. A banner says "'Bride Of The Monster' World Premiere! Celebrities In Person!" EXT. DARK CITY STREET - SAME TIME An antique limousine HEARSE drives down a dingy street. INT. HEARSE Ed drives. Tor, ill Bela, Vampira, and Criswell are crammed in with him, along with bewildered Kathy. Everyone is dressed in gaudy "scary" outfits. Tor wears his frightening WHITE CONTACT LENSES. TOR My eyes are killink me. ED Don't worry. We're almost there. BELA (still hoarse) Eddie, where are we? We passed that carwash twenty minutes ago. CRISWELL I predict we're lost. VAMPIRA (to Bela) Hey! You wanna watch the hands?? Bela sheepishly removes his hand from her thigh. BELA Sorry... ED (he looks around, baffled) Has anyone ever been to Downey? INT. MOVIE THEATER - SAME TIME The audience is so restless, they're practically rioting. They CLAP AND CHANT angrily. A fat patronizing MANAGER steps on stage. THEATER MANAGER Children, if you don't calm down, there won't be the entertainment. ANGRY KID It was supposed to start an hour ago! INT. HEARSE - SAME TIME Tempers are flaring. TOR My eyes are burnink. KATHY Hey look! There's the theater. TOR Where? I can't see nothink! EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The hearse pulls up. A FRANTIC USHER runs over. FRANTIC USHER Thank God, you're here! They're tearing the place apart! The gang awkwardly steps out of the hearse. Tor gets out and blindly walks straight into a lamp post. WHACK! He yelps. TOR Ow. Bela moves slowly, very feeble. Vampira smooths out her slinky black dress, then puts her arm around Bela to help him. FRANTIC USHER C'mon! This way! INT. THEATER - SAME TIME Criswell points Tor in the right direction, and the group stumbles in. Ed escorts excited Kathy. KATHY I've never been to a premiere before. The Usher opens the auditorium doors. INSIDE It's PANDEMONIUM. People are screaming and shouting. Kids jump up and down, on top of the chairs. Bela, Tor, Vaspira, and Criswell are alarmed. The lights dim on and off. Scratchy SPOOKY MUSIC blasts over the sound system. ED Wow. Go knock 'em dead! Criswell pushes blind Tor towards the stage. Tor sticks out his arms and scarily staggers down the aisle. Criswell nervously follows. Vampira escorts Bela. The crowd BOOS. They pelt our gang with popcorn. Tor GROWLS like a monster. Kids LAUGH and jeer. ON ED AND KATHY In back, Ed speaks in a frightening manner into a MICROPHONE: ED (amplified) Ooooo! At the stroke of midnight, the witching hour, the ghouls arise from the dead! DOWN THE AISLE Tor slips in some butter. He tumbles and falls. A WOMAN'S VOICE cackles. WOMAN'S VOICE It's the blind leading the blind! Tor staggers to his feet. All disoriented, he starts walking the wrong direction and falls over a chair. People HECKLE. Criswell quickly helps his up. TOR Dis is a nightmare. CRISWELL It's show biz. Criswell pushes Tor in the right direction. Some roughnecks knock down Criswell and snatch his wallet. A MEAN BOY jumps on his chair, ripping the stuffing out of the seat. He throws the fibers in the air, and they float over Bela and Vampira. BELA What is that? VAMPIRA I think they're getting ready to burn this place down. A HIGH SCHOOL PUNK runs up and grabs Vampira's breasts. HIGH SCHOOL PUNK Hey Vampira, how 'bout a little love? VAMPIRA Fuck off! She impulsively swings her arm and SLAMS the kid. ON STAGE The Manager pleads to the mob. THEATER MANAGER Children, please! Be calm! Somebody throws a bottle and HITS him in the head. He goes down. WIDE The lights suddenly go off. Some girls SCREAM. Ed's panicked. He grabs Kathy and runs down to his friends. ED C'mon! We're getting the hell out of here! Ed rounds up Bela, Tor, Criswell, and Vampira. The crowd BOOS louder. Blind Tor is totally confused. TOR What is happening? ED We're escaping! The group runs up the aisle and leaves. As the doors close, "Bride Of The Monster" starts unspooling on the screen. EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The gang frantically runs out, scared for their lives. They look over. Some JUVENILE DELINQUENTS are stripping the hearse. VAMPIRA We're gonna die. The theater doors CRASH open. The angry mob pours out. Ed spins wildly around... and sees a cab approaching. ED Stop! KATHY STOP! Kathy runs frenziedly into the street and throws herself at the cab. It screeches to a halt. Everybody sprints over and jumps in. The cab ROARS away. INT. CAB - SAME TIME All of them are breathing heavily. They watch in the rear window as they drive away from the rampage. A nervous silence. Until Bela speaks. BELA Now that was a premiere. All of them LAUGH. CUT TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Bela and Ed stroll down the street, in high spirits. Bela smokes a big fat cigar. BELA Last night was quite a romp. ED Did you see that kid grab Vampira's tits? BELA I envied him. (he chuckles) Hell, I envied you too, having a girlfriend that would jump in front of a car like that. ED Yeah, she's really somethin'. BELA I know none of my wives would've. Ed laughs. Bela puffs his cigar. BELA Eddie, I want to thank you. These last few days have been a good time. ED I just wish you coulda seen the movie. BELA No problem. I know it by heart... Bela stops walking. And in a BOOMING, THEATRICAL VOICE, he suddenly launches into his impassioned, climactic speech from "Bride Of The Monster." BELA "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people... a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" Ed is touched. A few people around them APPLAUD. Bela's face lights up, proud. An awed MIDWESTERN TOURIST hands him a pen and paper. TOURIST Mr. Lugosi, could I have your autograph? BELA Certainly. TOURIST Boy, that was incredible. You're just as good an actor as you always were. Bela puffs out his chest majestically. BELA Better. (beat) I'm seventy-four, but I don't know it. If the brain is young, then the spirit is still vigorous... like a young man. Bela turns and smiles wanly at Ed. Ed smiles back. CUT TO: INT. ED'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Ed and Kathy stand in his kitchen, making dinner. She sticks her finger in a pot. KATHY Ed, this spaghetti sauce is delicious. ED Thanks. It's actually the only thing I know how to make. (he motions) Hey, can you grab that strainer? She holds a strainer. Ed pours the spaghetti over it. Suddenly the PHONE rings. Ed groans. ED Ugh! Always at the wrong time. (he ANSWERS the phone) Hello? He listens. And then, he gets a very somber expression. ED Oh no... Ed HANGS UP the phone. He looks pained. KATHY What was that? ED (quiet) Bela died. CUT TO: INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY It's Bela's funeral. Ed sits crying in the front row, with Kathy at his side. All Bela's friends are there. They're very subdued. THE CASKET Bela lies inside, made up in his full Dracula outfit. His hair is died black, and he wears the famous cape. EXT. HOLY CROSS CEMETERY - DAY On a grassy hill, Bela is laid to rest. The small crowd of mourners stands silhouetted against the dark gray clouds. The coffin is lowered into the ground. Ed stands at the front, silently watching. AT A DISTANCE A few TABLOID PHOTOGRAPHERS snap pictures. PHOTOGRAPHER #1 Whose crazy idea was it to bury him in the cape? PHOTOGRAPHER #2 I heard it was in the will. It was how he wanted to be remembered. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY Ed is alone in a darkened screening room, depressed. Playing on the SCREEN is the last footage of Bela: Bela stumbles around in front of his house and smells the flower. Ed drinks out of a flask. The film runs out. A VOICE comes over a loudspeaker. VOICE Do you want me to run it again? Ed silently nods. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed's apartment has gone to hell. Ed is in a robe, unshaven and clutching a bottle of whiskey. Newspapers are everywhere. Bela's and Ed's dogs eat out of the trash. Kathy tries to straighten things up. Ed stares listlessly. ED I'd seen him in a coffin so many times, I expected him to jump out... KATHY Ed, you've got to snap out of this. Bela's dead -- you're not! ED I might as well be. I made shitty movies that nobody wanted to see. (beat) I blew it. All he wanted was a comeback... that last glory... KATHY Well you tried -- ED (angry) I was a fuckin' HACK! I let people recut the movies, cast their relatives... (beat) I let Bela down... CUT TO: EXT. ED'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A new Studebaker pulls up. A bumper sticker says "JESUS SAVES" A man in a plain brown suit steps out. This is J. EDWARD REYNOLDS, 50, Ed's santironious southern Christian landlord. Reynolds assertively bangs on Ed's front door. REYNOLDS Mr. Wood?! ED (O.S.) Hruphh...? REYNOLDS Mr. Wood, this is Mr. Reynolds, your landlord. Could you please open up? The door opens a crack. Bleary Ed peers out. ED Yeah...? REYNOLDS Mr. Wood, you have bounced your third and final rent check. ED (he sloppily lies) I'm real sorry. My stockbroker must have transferred the wrong account... C'mon in, I'll write you another one. INT. APARTMENT - SAME TIME Ed motions Reynolds in. Reynolds peers unsurely at the tornado inside. Then he notices a framed one-sheet for "BRIDE OF THE MONSTER." Reynolds admires it. REYNOLDS Hmm, so you're in the picture business? ED (rummaging for a check) You could say that -- REYNOLDS I'm interested in the picture business. My associates and I wish to produce a series of uplifting religious films, on the Apostles. But unfortunately, we don't have enough money. ED (distracted) Raising money is tough. REYNOLDS Oh! Our church has the money for one film. We just don't have it for all twelve... ANGLE - ED His eyes suddenly pop. The color comes back to his fact. A plan is quickly boiling over inside Ed's head. He starts feverishly pacing around. ED Okay -- you know what you do? You produce a film in a commercially proven genre. And after it's a hit, you take the profits from that, and make the twelve Apostles' movies. REYNOLDS Would that work? ED Absolutely! You see this script..? Ed randomly grabs a script off the messy floor, then glances down, to see which one he picked up. It says "Graverobbers From Outer Space." ED "Graverobbers From Outer Space"! It's money in the bank. REYNOLDS Graverobbers from what?? ED From outer space! It's science- fiction. Very big with the kids! If you make this picture, you'll have enough money to finance a HUNDRED religious films! (beat) And pay my back rent from the profits. Reynolds scratches his head. REYNOLDS I don't know... this is all a lot to absorb. ED It's a guaranteed blockbuster! REYNOLDS Um, I understand that this science friction is popular -- but don't the big hits always have big stars? ED (in a frenzy) Yeah, well we've GOT a big star! Bela Lugosi!! REYNOLDS (mystified) Lugosi??! Didn't be pass on? Ed grins maniacally. He grabs a SMALL REEL of 35mm film. ED Yes, but I've got the last footage he ever shot! REYNOLDS Just, it doesn't look like very much. ED It's plenty! It's the acorn that will grow a great oak. I'll just find a double to finish his scenes, and we'll release it as "Bela Lugosi's Final Film" A beat. Reynolds stares, intrigued... CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATER The place is cleaned-up. Ed shouts excitedly into the phone. ED Bunny! We're making another film! Yeah -- I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash! Paul sticks his head in. PAUL MARCO Ed, I got the Lugosi lookalikes outside. ED Great! Bring 'em in! Bunny, I gotta run. Ed hangs up. Paul leads in THREE. They look nothing like Bela. One is a HOMELESS BUM, one is a SHORT FAT MAN, and one is CHINESE. Ed inspects them. ED Too tall... too short... (he glances at the Chinese guy) And this guy doesn't work at all. PAUL MARCO Well I was thinkin' like, when Bela played "Fu Manchu." ED That was Karloff. (beat) Paul, you gotta try harder. I don't want this film to be haif-assed. This time, we go for the quality. Paul turns to go. ED And by the way, keep Sunday free. The producers want all of us to get baptized. CUT TO: INT. KATHY'S APARTMENT - DAY Kathy reads a newspaper while knitting an angora sweater. Ed is typing deliriously fast -- in one of his artistic fevers. ED You know, when you rewrite a script, it just gets better and better! KATHY Do you want your buttons on the left or the right? ED The left. It's more natural. (he squints at his script) Hey, I've got a scene where the aliens have the ultimate bomb. What would that be made of? KATHY Uh, atomic energy? ED No. They're beyond that! They're smarter than the humans. What's more advanced? KATHY Dynamite -- ED No, BIGGER! What's the biggest energy?? KATHY The sun. ED (ecstatic) Yes! BINGO! Solar energy! Oh that's gonna seem so scientific. (he resumes TYPING) This movie's gonna be the ultimate Ed Wood film. No compromises. Kathy suddenly jumps up, shocked. KATHY Oh my God. Look at this! She runs over and shows Ed the newspaper. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER A small headline says "VAMPIRA REVEALED TO BE RED." Underneath is the story: "Channel 7 has fired popular horror hostess Vampira, after learning of her suspected communist leanings..." ON ED AND KATHY They're astonished. ED Those assholes. KATHY The poor girl's out of a job. ED Yeah... (he looks up) I should give her a call. CUT TO: INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Ed and Kathy sit with a shaken-up Vampira. ED I'm really sorry... VAMPIRA It's terrible. People won't even return my calls. It's like I don't exist. ED I know what that's like. (he pulls out his SCRIPT) Anyway, I brought a copy of the script. You would play the "Ghoul's Wife." VAMPIRA (she grimaces) The Ghoul's Wife?! God, I can't believe I'm doing this... KATHY You should feel lucky. Ed's the only guy in town who doesn't pass judgment on people. ED (he laughs) Hell, if I did, I wouldn't have any friends. Vampira smiles uncomfortably. VAMPIRA Look... would it be possible to make the "Ghoul's Wife" a little less prominent, so people won't really notice me in the movie? ED You don't wanna be noticed? VAMPIRA Exactly. Hey, how 'bout this -- what if I don't have any lines? I'll do the part mute! Kathy suddenly sees someone. KATHY Look, it's Dr. Tom. (she SHOUTS) Hey, Dr. Tom! ED Who's Dr. Tom? KATHY My chiropractor! DR. TOM MASON, a tall, slender 35-year-old chiropractor, strides over. He smiles. DR. MASON Kathy, how are you?! You're looking in alignment today. KATHY Actually, my neck's a little funny. Dr. Mason grabs Kathy's neck and CRACKS it loudly. ON ED Ed stares at the Doctor in astonishment. Ed is riveted. ED Wait a second. Don't move! Ed excitedly jumps up, takes his NAPXIN, and covers the Doctor's face from the nose down. ED It's uncanny. VAMPIRA What's uncanny? ED LOOK AT HIS SKULL! CUT TO: INT. BAPTIST CHURCH OF BEVERLY HILLS - DAY Services are in progress. J. Edward Reynolds leads a CHOIR singing an emotional SPIRITUAL. Ed, Tor, Criswell, Paul, Conrad, Vampira, Kathy, Bunny, and Dr. Tom Mason sit in back. They're all wearing white robes and arguing about the doctor. TOR He look nutink like Bela! CONRAD He's kinds got his ears. TOR You're stupid! KATHY No, cover up his face. Kathy lifts Dr. Mason's robe over his bewildered face. CRISWELL Ah! Now I see it. DR. MASON (goofily imitating Bela) "I want to suck your blood!" Everybody CRACKS up. Ed waves his arms. ED SHHH! We want these Baptists to like us. Like bad kids, they quiet down. Ingenuous Southern REVEREND LYN LEMON speaks up front. REVEREND LEMON Brothers and Sisters, we've reached a special part of the service. The baptism of our new members! (beat) If the congregation will oblige, we'd like to adjourn and reconvene at Emma DuBois's back yard. EXT. BACKYARD - DAY The straight-laced, devout CONGREGATION is gathered around a large SWIMMING POOL. Reverend Lemon, Reynolds, and our misfits stand in the shallow end, in their white robes. Criswell whispers to Vampira. CRISWELL Why couldn't we do this in the church? VAMPIRA Because "Brother Torî couldn't fit in the sacred tub. MONTAGE: THE REVEREND BAPTIZES ED REVEREND LEMON ...Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior? ED I do. Reynolds DUNKS Ed in the water. THE REVEREND BAPTIZES BUNNY REVEREND LEMON ...Do you reject Satan and all his works? BUNNY (hiding a smirk) I do. Reynolds DUNKS Bunny. THE REVEREND BAPTIZES TOR REVEREND LEMON ...Do you repent for all your sins? TOR I do. Tor winks slyly at Criswell. Reynolds DUNKS Tor. But Tor slips from Reynolds' grasp and sinks to the bottom of the pool. REYNOLDS Oh my God, I dropped him -- Tor lies on the bottom, staring lifeinsly. CRISWELL (mischievous) I don't think he's coming up! REVEREND LEMON Lord no! The man's drowning! REYNOLDS (scared) What do we do?! REVEREND LEMON Help! HELP!!! The whole Congregation starts JUMPING IN. Men and women in their Sunday finest leap into the pool and start tugging on Tor. But nobody can budge the big whale. REVEREND LEMON (near tears) Dear Jesus, please forgive us! ON TOR He suddenly rises, Poseidon-like, from the pool. Tor spits out water, then lets out a hearty BELLY LAVGH. TOR Tor make good joke! The Baptists aren't amused. CUT TO: INT. CITY BUS - MORNING A bus drives along. Every PASSENGER stares at something up front -- Vampira, in her slinky black outfit. She reads a "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" script. EXT. SCUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD - SAME TIME The bus stops in a scary, run-down neighborhood. Vampira off and warily looks around. VAMPIRA This can't be the right address... She nervously walks down a dingy alley. Vampira gets to an unmarked grimy door, gulps, then slowly opens it... INT. WAREHOUSE SOUNDSTAGE - DAY And inside is the "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" famous CEMETERY SET! The film is in production! Packed into a stinking little studio are a few scrawny twigs, branches, and flimsy cardboard tombstones set against a black drop. Tot struts about gregariously, in his "Inspector Clay" suit. He chats up the CREW. TOR I am so happy! Finally I am star wit dialogue! I memorized every wordt. Eddie will be so proud! The Baptists chase Ed around. They wave the script. REYNOLDS Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions -- REVEREND LEMON The script refers on numerous occasions to graverobbing. Now we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground highly offensive. It's blasphemy. ED (very annoyed) What are you talking about?! It's the premise of the movie. It's even the title, for Christ's sake! REVEREND LEMON (shocked) Mr. Wood! REYNOLDS Yes, about that title, it strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don't we change it to "Plan Nine From Outer Space"? Ed shakes his head. ED That's ridiculous! WIPE TO: CEMETERY SET They're filming the COPS arriving at the pitch-black cemetery. There's a prop police car, and an assistant blows fog in. ED And, ACTION! Tor steps onto the set TOR (as Inspector Clay) "Medicul eksaminer been aroundt yet?" COP "Just left. The morgue wagon oughta be along most any time." TOR "You get statement frumk vitnesses?" COP "Yeah, but they're pretty scared." TOR "Findink mess like dis oughta make anyone frightened. Have one of da boyz take dem back to town. You take jarge." ON THE CREW Everybody grices, trying to understand Tor. The SCRIPT GIRL shakes her head. The Baptists angrily pull Ed aside. REYNOLDS What'd you give him all the lines for?? He's unintelligible! ED Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira won't talk. Ihad to give somebody the dialogue. REVEREND LEMON That's not an answer. WIPE TO: ANOTHER SCENE BEING SHOT - LATER As Inspector Clay, Tor wanders around the "cemtery," waving his flashlight and nervously fingering his gun. Ed grins at the Baptists. ED See, no talking. Isn't he good? (he grabs his MEGAPHONE) CUE DR. TOM! DR. TOM (o.s.) Now? ED YES, NOW! LURK HIM. AND BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED! The door of a large paper-mache crypt creeps open. Dr. Tom uncertainly steps out, impersonating Bela. He holds the cape over his face and stalks Tor. Ed is pleased as punch. He whispers to the Baptists. ED Isn't it wonderful? Bela lives! REVEREND LEMON Doesn't this strike you as a bit morbid? ED No, he would've loved it! Bela's returned from the grave -- like Dracula. (he grabs the MEGAPHONE) CUE VAMPIRA! Vampira steps out, walking in a trance. Tor is now cornered. He fruitlessly FIRES his gun, but bullets can't stop zombies. Vampira and Dr. Tom kill him. Tor screams. WIPE TO: ANOTHER SCENE GETS SHOT - LATER Paul and Conrad are scared cops exploring the cemetery. CONRAD (as a cop) "Let's go down and find out whose grave it is." PAUL MARCO (as a cop) "Why do I always get hooked up with these spook details? Monsters! Graves! Bodies!" ED CUE THE FLYING SAUCER, RAY! Off-stage, a grip on a ladder pans a 10K SEARCHLIGHT. The LIGHT crosses the actors. They look up in horror, then clumsily fall down. A rickety fake tombstone tips over. ED And PERFECT. CUT! REYNOLDS (freaking out) "Perfect"? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?! ED I like to think so. REYNOLDS That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony! ED People won't notice. Filmmaking isn't about picky details -- it's about the big picture. REYNOLDS Oh, you wanna talk about the "big picture"?! How 'bout that the policemen arrive in the daylight, but now it's suddenly night??? Ed suddenly flips out. He's livid. ED YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! Haven't you ever heard of "suspension of disbelief"?! A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN walks up. He smiles at the Baptists, STRAPPING YOUNG MAN Reverend, I'm here. ED (baffled) Who's he? REVEREND LEMON This is our choir director. He's gonna play the young hero. ED (furious) Are you IN5ANE? I'm the director! I make the casting decisions around here! REVEREND LEMON I thought this was a group effort. ED NOOOOO!!! Ed spastically storms away. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Ed bursts in. He paces about, hysterically traumatized. ED They're driving me crazy! These Baptists are stupid, stupid, STUPID! Ed glances at a clothing rack -- and sees an ANGORA SWEATER. Ed is taken aback. He slowly removes it from the hanger and rubs it against his face. His breathing slows. ED Mmm. I need to calm... Take deep breaths... (he rubs the angora) Ohh, it's so smooth... INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME The dressing room door flies open. Ed slowly struts out, in the sweater, pantsuit, and pumps. He is calmed and at ease. The stage quiets. People are staring. ED Okay, everyone! Let's set up for Scene 112! Move the crypt stage left and get ready with Tor's make-up effect. The crew resumes working. But the Baptists charge up, aghast. REVEREND LEMON Mr. Wood? What do you think you're doing?! ED I'm directing. REYNOLDS Not like THAT, you're not! REVEREND LEMON Remove that get-up immediately. You shame our Lord. Ed throws up his hands. ED That's it. I give up! CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY Ed frantically marches out of the building. He's still in his ladies' outfit. Ed sees a cab and WHISTLES loudly. The cab pulls over. Ed jumps in. ED Take me to the nearest bar. CUT TO: INT. MUSSO & FRANKS - DAY The place is quiet, mid-morning. Frazzled Ed enters and sits at the bar. ED Imperial whiskey, straight up. The bartender nonchalantly pours a shot. Ed takes the drink. He quietly sips his booze and reflects upon his day. Ed glances around. And then, suddenly -- his eyes widen. Sitting at a table is ORSON WELLES! The portly, world-famous filmmaker sits alone, eating lunch with one hand and drawing STORYBOARDS with the other. Ed is thunderstruck. ED Oh my God. It's Orson Welles... Ed nervously stands. He starts to step forward -- when he catches his own reflection in a mirror. He's still in drag. ED Oh shit. Ed rolls his eyes. He runs his hand through his hair, then slowly approaches Orson Welles. Ed is terrified. ED Excuse me, Sir...? ORSON WELLES (he casually looks up) Yes? ED Uh, uh, I'm a young filmmaker, and a really big fan... and I just wanted to meet you. ORSON WELLES (he extends his hand) My pleasure. I'm Orson Welles. ED Oh. Um, I'm Ed Wood! (he smiles anxiously) So, what are you working on now? ORSON WELLES Eh, the financing just fell through for the third time on "Don Quixote." So I'm trying to finish a promo for something else. But I can't find the soundtrack -- (he shrugs) I think I left it in Malta. Ed is astonished. ED I can't believe it. These sound like my problems! ORSON WELLES It's the damn money men. You never know who's a windbag, and who's got the goods. And then they all think they're a director... ED Ain't that the truth! I've even bad producers recut my movies -- ORSON WELLES Ugh, I hate when that happens. ED (on a roll) And they always want to cast their buddies -- it doesn't even matter if they're right for the part! ORSON WELLES Tell me about it. I'm supposed to do a thriller at Universal, and they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican! Ed shakes his head. He's discouraged. ED Mr. Welles, is it all worth it? ORSON WELLES It is when it works. (solemn) You know the one film of mine I can stand to watch? "Kane." The studio hated it... but they didn't get to touch a frame. (he smiles warmly) Ed, visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else's dreams? CLOSEUP - ED He has seen God. ED Wow. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY Ed bursts onto the stage, a changed man. Re-energized, he confidently grabs the Baptists. ED Mr. Reynolds! REYNOLDS Yes? ED We are gonna finish this film just the way I want it! Because you can't compromise an artist's vision! REVEREND LEMON (flustered) B-but it's our money -- ED And you're gonna make a bundle. This movie's gonna be famous! But only if you SHUT UP, and let me do it my way! Reynolds and Rev. Lemon are speechiess. CLOSEUP - ED He beams, turns and SHOUTS TRIUMPHANTLY into the soundstage. ED ALRIGHT! ACTORS IN POSITION! LET'S FINISH THIS PICTURE!! WIPE TO: "PLAN 9" MONTAGE: SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET Tor plays a zombie rising from the dead. He wears the scary white contact lenses. Tor's so big, he has trouble lifting himself from the grave. EDITING ROOM Ed and his stock footage buddy watch a moviola. ED Okay, I want that tank! And I want that bomb! SOUNDSTAGE Harry paints Bunny's face GREEN, like a Martian. Ed yells. ED NO! The aliens should look like people. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm tellin' ya, aliens are always green. ED Not in my movie, they're not! SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET Bunny's make-up is now normal. He wears an alien suit. A HAMMY ALIEN enters and salutes with a bizarre crossing gesture. BUNNY "What plan will we follow?" HAMMY ALIEN "Plan Nine." BUNNY "Plan Nine..." (he consults his papers) "Ah yes. Plan Nine deals with the resurrection of the dead." SCENE IN THE CEMETERY Tor staggers up to Paul Marco and CLOBBERS him. OFF-STAGE Ed smiles at the Baptists. ED Maybe you guys were right. "Plan Nine" is a good title. MINIATURE CITY SET Ed shoots the famous flying saucers. Paul holds a paper plate and Conrad lights it on fire. The "saucer" soars on fishing line over a little miniature town. SCENE IN THE BEDROOM SET Dr. Tom glides in, his cape over his face. A woman SCREAMS. COCKPIT SET Ed stands in front of a masonite board and two chairs. An actor playing the AIRPLANE PILOT walks up. PILOT Where's the cockpit set? ED You're standing in it. (he yells off) Alright, bring in the shower curtain! A shower curtain gets lowered into the doorway. EXT. DUSTY ROAD A car zooms by. Kathy drives, as Ed shoots handheld out the back window. SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET Th Hammy Alien argues with the humans. PILOT "So what if we develop this solarnite bomb? We'd be even a stronger nation." HAMMY ALIEN "Stronger? You see! You see!! Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!" PILOT "That's all I'm taking from you." He WHACKS the alien. A brawl breaks out. SCENE WITH CRISWELL Criswell lectures behind a desk, with mysterious lighting CRISWELL "Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it. For they will be from outer space." SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET The famous shot: Tor and Vampira walk in a trance through foggy cemetery. Off-stage, Ed stands with the crew. He shouts gleefully. ED More fog! More fog!! (he beams) And CUT! PRINT IT! IT'S A WRAP! END MONTAGE. CUT TO: EXT. CITY - NIGHT It's pouring rain. Standing in the drench is Ed. He's wearing a tux, and fighting with his open convertible top. The Rambler is filled with water. Kathy stands under an awning. She wears a pretty gown. ED I can't get it to go up. KATHY Ed, you're gonna miss your own premiere. ED (he gives up) C'mon! Let's just go. Ed impulsively opens the car door. Water pours out. Kathy scurries out and jumps in the wet car with him. EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT The rain is gushing down. The marquee proclaims "WORLD PREMIERE: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!" People hurry in. Ed and Kathy roar up in the open convertible, totally soaked. He jumps out, opens her door, and they run inside. INT. THEATER - NIGHT The theater is packed. All the gang, and their friends and families, are gathered. Criswell stands on-stage, speaking into a mike. CRISWELL You are about to see en extraordinary motion picture. But before it begins, I think we ought to give a hand to the man without whom we wouldn't be here tonight... Eddie, take a bow! The crowd ERUPTS in applause. Everybody goes crazy -- even the Baptists. People YELL "Speech! Speech!" Ed smiles proudly. Kathy kisses him. Ed runs down front, hugs Criswell, then takes the microphone. ED Thanks a million. I just wanna say... this film is for Bela. The lights dim. DISSOLVE TO: MINUTES LATER The title "PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE" is projected onto the screen. As random IMAGES from the film play out, we drift over the happy faces of our friends watching. Paul and Conrad stare, enthralled. Tor laughs as he sees himself. Vampira giggles. Bunny nudges her playfully. Criswell mouths his own lines. ON SCREEN Bela appears, in his little suit. In the last footage he ever shot, he shuffles around in front of his house, then tenderly smells the flower. ON ED He watches, entranced. Then he smiles to himself. ED This is the one. I know I'll be remembered for this film. CUT TO: INT. THEATER LOBBY - LATER The BOISTEROUS crowd is in high spirits. People congratulate Ed and pat him on the back. "It was great!" "It's your best one yet!" "Bela would've loved it!" Ed drifts through the crowd, basking in the glory. It's like a wonderful dream. EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The rain comes down in sheets. The doors burst open, and Ed and Kathy run out. KATHY Ed, I'm so happy for you. ED Let's get married. KATHY (startled) Huh?! ED Right now. Let's drive to Vegas! KATHY But it's pouring. And the car top is stuck! ED (he gives his killer grin) So? It's only a five-hour drive. And it'll probably clear up, once we hit the desert. Heck, it'll probably clear up once we drive around the corner. I promise. Kathy stares in disbelief. Then she smiles. They kiss. Ed and Kathy jump into the open convertible. The engine starts, and they drive away, disappearing into the pouring rain. A moment. And then, we move up, up, into the black clouds. Lightning CRACKS across the sky. OPTICAL: We slowly PULL OUT from the sky, move through a window... and we're back inside INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT Criswell is sitting inside his coffin. He stares at us. CRISWELL My friend, you have just seen the story of Edward D. Wood, Junior. Stranger than fact... and yet every incident based on sworn testimony. (his eyes gleam) A man. A life. Can you prove it didn't happen? A beat, to ponder this. And then Criswell slowly lies back in his coffin, and the lid mysteriously closes over him. FADE OUT. THE END
ARAC ATTACK (Eight Legged Freaks) by Jesse Alexander & Ellory Elkayem July 2000 Draft FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY ARAC ATTACK! FADE IN: EXT. DESERT - NIGHT A rabbit hops across rough terrain. EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT) - NIGHT Three trucks from Chemical Technologies carry barrels of toxic waste. They pass a sign: PROSPERITY, NEVADA, POP 454. INT. THIRD TRUCK (HIGHWAY, DESERT) - NIGHT A sleepy trucker called PIG PEN drives the third truck. SELF-HELP TAPE (V.O.) I will be self-assured and confident around women. PIG PEN I will be self-assured and confident around women. EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT) - NIGHT The rabbit stops at the edge of the road. The first truck speeds past. Then the second. The rabbit crosses the highway in front of the third. INT. THIRD TRUCK (HIGHWAY, DESERT) - NIGHT SELF-HELP TAPE (V.O.) I will not fear the unexpected. PIG PEN I will not fear the unexpected. The rabbit appears in the road, frozen by headlights. PIG PEN Ahhhhhhhhhh! Pig Pen jams on his brakes and swerves to avoid the bunny. EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT) - NIGHT The truck slews crazily. Missing the bunny by a whisker. 2. INT. THIRD TRUCK (BRIDGE, DESERT) - NIGHT Pig Pen sees a bridge ahead. If he doesn't regain control, he will crash. At the last second, he gets the rig together. EXT. BRIDGE (DESERT) - THIRD TRUCK - NIGHT The rim of a wheel tags the curb. One of those toxic waste barrels falls out of the back and plunges to the water below. EXT. DRAINAGE DITCH - NIGHT A biohazard warning label is legible as the barrel slips beneath the surface. Glowing toxic waste seeps from a gash in its side. Spreading through the pool like neon ink. EXT. DRAINAGE DITCH - DAY The ditch is littered with garbage. The DRONE of INSECTS. No visible traces of toxic waste. A butterfly net sweeps through the air to capture an oversized horsefly. JOSHUA TAFT (70s), scrutinizes the bug. This old codger is more comfortable studying bugs than socializing with people. JOSHUA Hey, Mike. Check this one out. MIKE PALMER (12) steps over for a look. Puberty hit hard and fast for this bright, little nerd. MIKE He's huge! JOSHUA They've been like this all week. Must be something extra tasty in the water. MIKE Like what? JOSHUA Dead coyote. Snake maybe. Back in the 'Nam we'd eat python with a dash of habanero sauce. Mighty satisfying. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: MIKE You ate snake? JOSHUA When you're thirty klicks out from the nearest firebase. Humpin' through the wake-up with your finger on the trigger. Charlie doesn't give you time to stop for cutlet. As Mike skims his own net over the water, he glimpses a familiar barrel at the bottom of the pool. The brightly- colored biohazard warning label is clearly visible. EXT. ROAD - JOSHUA'S HOUSE - DAY Two bicycles are parked outside a cabin in the middle of nowhere. INT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE - DAY The decor is an odd mix of Vietnam era war relics and homegrown scientist. Charlie the Parrot sits on a perch. CHARLIE (V.O.) Charlie, don't surf! JOSHUA Quiet, bird. We're working. Mike and Joshua stand near the spider tanks. A dozen aquariums on low shelves. Each glass tank replicates a specific environment: jungle, desert, cavern, pond, etc. JOSHUA (dims tank lights) The sun is going down, my nocturnal hunters. It's time to come out and feed. Mike watches Joshua deposit bugs into each spider tank. MIKE Yeah. They're definitely getting bigger. JOSHUA I've calculated a growth factor of twelve percent over the last forty-eight hours. But that seems to be accelerating. (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: MIKE All from eating these bugs? Maybe I should try some. Mike pauses at the desert tank, watching a cricket search for food. A trap-door spider pops out of its camouflaged den like a jack-in-the-box. The arachnid yanks the cricket below and replaces the roof in a nanosecond. Mike looks in another tank where ogre-eyed spitting spiders shoot blasts of paralyzing goo at hapless insects. MIKE Run, little guys. JOSHUA They can't outrun the food chain. MIKE I could get away. JOSHUA Imagine yourself the size of that fly. A scytodes spitter would be as big as a Cadillac. You'd be spider chow, kid. Mike looks in a tank where jumpers chase fleeing crickets. He moves toward another tank that is covered with a towel. MIKE Are the new tarantulas in here? JOSHUA Took me forever to get a breeding set of Chilean reds. I must have bribed every customs agent from Vegas to Santiago. Joshua unveils the tank. Dirt floor. Several burrow entrances. Joshua pours in the bugs. A large, male tarantula comes out of a burrow. It pounces on a bug, then wraps its prey in webbing, turning the insect into a mummy-like bundle. MIKE That is too cool. JOSHUA Male tarantulas compete for the female's attention. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: JOSHUA (CONT'D) Each one tries to bring her the best present. Bugs, rats, even the occasional parrot. CHARLIE SQUAWKS. JOSHUA The prey is cocooned alive so she can eat them in her nest. You know how women love breakfast in bed. Joshua leads Mike to the back of the tank. A network of subterranean tunnels is revealed. The male tarantulas scuttle through carrying their mummified offerings. JOSHUA Take a look, the female of the species is three times as big as the male. Mike peers into a large den. The female tarantula steps out of the shadows. This is Consuela, the Chilean red tarantula. JOSHUA Say hello to Consuela. Mike watches Consuela unwrap one of the mummified bundles. She begins to eat the paralyzed insect within. JOSHUA She fills her prey with digestive acid to liquify the internal organs. Now watch... She'll drink her victim from the inside out. While it's still alive! MIKE (looks queasy) And you wonder why my mom doesn't like me hanging out with you. JOSHUA Arachnids have been roaming the earth for millions of years. And they'll be here long after the human race is dead and buried. Suddenly Consuela lunges at the glass. Mike recoils. MIKE Bad! Bad Consuela! Consuela backs up, apparently she can be intimidated. 6. TARANTULA POV - MIKE The multi-eyed spider's PANORAMIC VISION. Mike looms large at the edge of the glass, wagging his finger. BACK TO MIKE Mike stares into the many eyes of Consuela. MIKE Do that again and I feed you to the parrot. CHARLIE SQUAWKS hungrily. The sound of a CAR HORN. JOSHUA There's your mom. MIKE See you tomorrow, Joshua! Mike heads for the door. EXT. DESERT - DAY The entrance to a mine shaft protrudes from a hillside. A pickup truck is parked nearby. The faded logo on the door reads: McCORMICK AND SON MINING COMPANY, PROSPERITY, NV. INT. MINE SHAFT - DAY Rotten beams. Chipped walls. A GENERATOR POWERS a string of lightbulbs. A lone figure works at the end of the tunnel. CHRIS McCORMICK (30s) has rugged good looks. Weathered clothing. Dirt-stained face. Ripped muscles. Chris chips at the wall with his pickaxe. As it makes contact, the occasional spark flies up. Chris pauses to scrutinize the target area with his helmet-light. Something sneaks along the floor of the mine behind him. Chris is oblivious to his unseen stalker. He chips away a section of stone to reveal shiny minerals. Reflections of silver and gold splash across his face. His smile fades... CHRIS Damn. (CONTINUED) 7. CONTINUED: Chris bends over, reaching for a bottle of water. A large rat scurries out of hiding dragging away Chris's sack lunch. Chris grabs his pick-axe and goes after the rat. The rodent dodges every hit. Sparks fly when the axe strikes rock. These ignite a vent of methane gas. A BRIEF EXPLOSION knocks Chris off his feet. He notices a small hole in the floor is lit like the burner on a stove. Chris pats out the flame as the rat scurries away with lunch. CHRIS Hope you like bologna! EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY A police car drives with a bicycle hanging out of the trunk. INT. POLICE CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY SAMANTHA "SAM" PALMER (30s) is the sheriff of Prosperity and a confident, single mother. Mike is seated beside her. MIKE You should see them, Mom. Each one has a unique feeding behavior. The spitters fire poisonous snot. The tarantulas mummify their prey. The jumpers can... SAM Why does he have all those things? MIKE He studies them. NASA uses spider webs in outer space. And for medicine. They've been here forever, and they'll be here long after we're all dead. SAM You're givin' me nightmares. MIKE Nightmares are cool. (CONTINUED) 8. CONTINUED: SAM U.P.S. brought this to the station. Sam hands Mike a small package. MIKE It's from Dad! He didn't forget my birthday. I told you he wouldn't. SAM Better late than never. Mike tears open the box to reveal a Cassiopeia PDA. MIKE Rockin'! SAM Is that the one you wanted? MIKE Cassiopeia 2304 with 64 megs of ram. Integrated modem. Voice recording capability. This baby is tight. Mike can't turn on the gizmo. SAM What's wrong? MIKE He forgot to send the batteries. SAM (annoyed) I told him to send batteries. EXT. DESERT - DAY The ROAR of two off-road MOTORCYCLES tearing up the desert. BRET HALE (18) leads the way. A Kid Rock-punk with good looks and FU attitude. Seated behind him is ASHLEY PALMER (16). This milk-fed desert honey is a wannabe Britney Spears. LARRY (17) is the wiseacre on the other bike. BRET Hang on, babydoll! (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: They GUN their BIKES onto the highway. Slalom the yellow lines. Wheelie for days. Ashley peeks over Bret's shoulder at a police car coming at them in the opposite lane. ASHLEY Oh shit. INT. POLICE CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY Sheriff Sam watches intently as the bikes wheelie past. SAM Hang on. MIKE Why? EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT) - DAY The police car does an impressive bootlegger 180. Lights ablaze. SIREN WAILING. The bikes pull over to the shoulder. EXT. SHOULDER OF HIGHWAY (DESERT) - DAY The motorcycles stop with the cop car behind. Sam's voice barks over the PA. SAM (V.O.) Party's over, gentlemen. Off the bikes. Sam exits the car and approaches. The bikers dismount. BRET There is something very sexy about an older woman in uniform. LARRY Her nine-millimeter gives me a stiffy. ASHLEY Don't antagonize her, you guys. SAM I told you not to act like kamikazes. Especially with Ashley riding behind. That is unacceptable, Bret. (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: BRET I could always ride her from behind. Larry snickers. Sam steels her rage. SAM You just bought yourself a reckless. Sam begins to write up the ticket. ASHLEY Can't you give 'em a break? SAM Get in the car, Ashley. Now. ASHLEY But, Mom! Sam shoots his daughter an intimidating glance. BRET No sweat, babydoll. We'll hook up later. SAM (threatening) Over my dead body. INT. SAM'S COP CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY Mike grins from the front seat as Ashley climbs in back. MIKE You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used... ASHLEY Shut up, dork. EXT. SHOULDER OF HIGHWAY - DAY Sam hands Bret the ticket. BRET Larry, do we know anybody at City Hall who can mark this go away? (CONTINUED) 11. CONTINUED: LARRY Your Dad is the Mayor. BRET Oh, yeah. (to Sam) He signs your paycheck. SAM The next time you put my daughter's life in danger, I'll show you exactly how little that means to me. Bret and Larry feel her resolve. BRET Relax, bee-otch. It's all good. The punks remount their bikes. SAM I want both wheels on the ground. The punks REV their BIKES and defiantly wheelie toward town. INT. POLICE CAR - DAY Sam climbs behind the wheel. MIKE I read her her rights. SAM I can always count on you, Mike. Sam STARTS the CAR and drives toward town. ASHLEY Do you get off on humiliating me? SAM This bad girl act doesn't suit you, Ash. ASHLEY I'm just trying to have fun. Don't you remember what it's like to grow up here? SAM That's what scares me. (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: Sam reaches over and opens the glove box. She pulls out a stun gun. Mike passes it through the bars to Ashley. SAM I told you to keep this with you. Ashley slides the zapper into her backpack. ASHLEY You are so over protective. Mike and Ashley lip-sync along with Sam's response. SAM A mother's job is to protect her children. ASHLEY You need to start trusting me. SAM I'd like to. But you keep skipping classes to go to the dunes with Bret. ASHLEY Why do you hate him so much? SAM I don't hate him. I just want you to have a future. I thought you wanted to get out of town. Go to med school. ASHLEY Maybe I want to stay. I could get pregnant by nineteen. Then divorce with a couple of kids I can't handle. Slap on a badge and be a trailer trash sheriff. SAM (deeply hurt) Thanks for the flashback. They drive on in painful silence. Mike turns ON the RADIO. HARLAN (V.O.) ... listening to W.F.R.E. Freedom radio. We've put aside the U.F.O.'s and conspiracy theories... 13. INT. PICKUP TRUCK (HIGHWAY) - DAY Chris drives into town with the RADIO ON. HARLAN (V.O.) ... for some down home talk back with our own mayor: Wade Hale. CHRIS Oh, great. WADE (V.O.) Thanks, Harlan. As I was saying, Chemical Technologies has been looking for viable storage sites. And Prosperity is lucky enough to be on that list. HARLAN (V.O.) Lucky? I think most of us are insulted that some outsiders think our town is a perfect place to dump toxic waste. CHRIS Right on. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - DAY Chris's pickup approaches... The entire town is not much bigger than a few football fields. The kind of place where everybody has known each other since childhood. Some buildings date back to the 1880's gold rush. HARLAN (V.O.) Isn't this just your latest get- rich quick scheme? At one end is the Prosperity Mall. A huge windowless rectangle in the sand. Permanent signs tout the many outlet stores inside: Victoria's Secret, Home and Garden Supplies, Sport Chalet, etc. Hand-painted signs reveal: "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE. EVERYTHING MUST GO. FINAL CLOSE OUT." On the roof of the mall is a very tall radio antenna. HARLAN (V.O.) Your mall has more employees than customers. INT. PICKUP TRUCK (TOWN, MAIN STREET) - DAY Chris smiles as he listens to the RADIO. (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: WADE (V.O.) I may have overestimated the need for 100,000 square feet of outlet shopping. EXT. BEVERLY'S HOUSE - DAY BEVERLY (40's) is tending to her garden as she listens to a transistor radio. HARLAN (V.O.) And your ostrich ranch? WADE (V.O.) If the government subsidies hadn't dried up, I'd still be rolling in cash. EXT. HARLAN'S TRAILER (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY An airstream at the far end of town. Signs identify it as: "FREEDOM RADIO." A brand new humvee is parked out front. INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - DAY Walls decorated with clippings about aliens, monsters, and conspiracies. Two men sit at a home built transmitter. HARLAN GRIFFITH (40s) wears an "Aliens Go Home!" T- shirt. He eats from a box of Frosted Flakes and drinks Jolt cola. WADE HALE (40s) is the mayor of Prosperity. A slick- haired dandy who looks more like a Vegas lounge singer than a Mayor. WADE With one phone call I could put together a deal that would make us all very rich. HARLAN They say money doesn't buy happiness. WADE They probably don't have any. 15. INT. POLICE CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY Sam and her kids listen to the radio. WADE (V.O.) Money pays for kids to go to college. It pays the mortgage. INT. DINER (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY An attractive waitress on roller-skates. A harried CHEF. Locals chow down. The RADIO BLARES in the b.g. WADE (V.O.) It puts food on the table. Haven't the people of this town lived hand-to-mouth for long enough? INT. BARBERSHOP (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY FLOYD and LEROY are the Jurassic era barbers. Floyd cuts Leroy's hair. The two men listen to the RADIO. WADE (V.O.) We're all gonna die in this hell hole. FLOYD Yeah, of boredom. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY DEPUTY PETE sits with his feet up on the desk reading Playstation magazine. He listens to the RADIO. WADE (V.O.) Wouldn't it be nice not to worry about surviving retirement? Or taking a shot at that life-long dream? INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - DAY WADE Think about it, Harlan, you could buy a commercial transmitter and start broadcasting to a national audience. HARLAN It would be nice to get the message out. Let people know the aliens walk among us. 16. INT. PICKUP TRUCK - DAY Chris slows to a stop in front of the McCormick and Son Mining Company. This stately edifice was once the driving force behind the local economy. WADE (V.O.) If Chris McCormick refuses to sell his mines. The rest of us are out of luck. Chris frowns. INT. POLICE CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY WADE (V.O.) I don't think it's fair for one person to wield that much power. But he's just like his father. Selfish. Greedy. And more than a little bit nuts. SAM Uh-oh. Sam flips on the SIREN and accelerates. INT. DINER - DAY The locals stop eating and look toward the radio. WADE (V.O.) That family has been digging in those tunnels since the twenties. If there was something down there, don't you think they would have found it by now? INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY Floyd and Leroy stare at the radio. WADE (V.O.) Common sense does not apply to crazy people. INT. PICKUP TRUCK - DAY WADE (V.O.) Might as well be chasing a leprechaun's pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (CONTINUED) 17. CONTINUED: Chris is furious as he PEELS OUT and speeds toward Harlan's. INT. DINER - DAY The locals watch Chris's pickup speed by. WADE (V.O.) ... lunatics... INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY Floyd and Leroy watch Chris speed by. WADE (V.O.) ... certifiably nuts... INT. POLICE CAR - (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY As Sam pulls into town. She sees Chris skid to a stop in front of Harlan's trailer. He leaps out of his pickup. WADE (V.O.) ... at the very least... INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - DAY Chris yanks the door open in time to hear... WADE ... those McCormicks are just plain-old dumb. Wade stands up to protest. But it's too late. Chris punches him in the nose. The mayor tumbles back. CHRIS I've warned you not to talk about my family! HARLAN We have a surprise guest in the studio. Chris drags Wade to his feet, shoving him against the wall. CHRIS My family built this town! (CONTINUED) 18. CONTINUED: WADE Am I supposed to be grateful? Chris draws back his fist for another shot. Sam runs in and grabs him from behind. SAM That's enough! CHRIS Stay out of this, Sam! She manhandles Chris toward the door. EXT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - DAY Practically the entire town has gathered outside. Sam drags Chris through the door. Wade and Harlan are close behind. CHRIS Did you hear what he said? SAM I heard. WADE I want him locked up! SAM Let's all calm down. Wade tries to take advantage of the assembled audience. WADE We have no economy! People are barely scraping by! And now we've been offered the deal of a lifetime. You don't have the right to stand in our way! CHRIS Those mines are full of gas. One spark in the wrong place could blow this entire valley sky high. Do you really want to load that gun with toxic waste? WADE Chem-Tech did seismic analysis, vapor checks, groundwater reads, soil sampling. They found isolated methane pockets, but no benzene or hydrogen sulfide. (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: CHRIS How could they run tests? I didn't give them permission to go into the mines. Wade retreats toward his shiny new Hummer. CHRIS I asked you a question, you greedy son of a bitch! WADE I'm greedy?! You're the one keeping us down so you can search for gold! Chris tries to go after Wade. Sam holds him back. SAM Don't take another step. Chris stares at her. CHRIS You're taking his side? SAM I'm trying to keep the peace. WADE You're crazy! Just like your father! Wade drives off in his humvee. The crowd begins to disperse. CHRIS (sotto) He wasn't crazy. SAM It's okay. Chris heads off to his truck. Sam watches him go. Her eyes drifting down his body. Ashley steps up beside her mom. ASHLEY Maybe you're not gay after all. SAM What are you talking about? (CONTINUED) 20. CONTINUED: ASHLEY You can't take your eyes off his butt. SAM Where did you learn that it's okay to talk to me like this? ASHLEY Relax, Mom. He's hot for an old guy. I can admit it. Why can't you? Sam watches Chris get into his truck. He gives her one last look before pulling out. Sam smiles with her daughter. INT. MINING MUSEUM (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY Vintage mining gear. Walls covered with sepia-tone photos chronicling the history of the McCormick mines. GLADYS LAUDERBACK (50s) sits at a desk. She blows smoke from her Kool into the breeze of an air conditioner. Ignoring the signs behind her head: "NO SMOKING!", "DANGER GAS!" As Chris enters, Gladys hides her lit cigarette in a drawer. GLADYS Did you pop him one? CHRIS He had it comin'. But Sam Palmer... That woman abuses her power. GLADYS Why? Because she stopped you from givin' Wade another pop? CHRIS I'm not proud of it. Chris goes to a table and a map of the mines that honeycomb beneath the town. Many of them are marked "explored." Many aren't. Chris checks another tunnel off the list. He sniffs the air and glares at Gladys. Smoke rises out of her desk drawer. Gladys yanks it open and puts out the flame. (CONTINUED) 21. CONTINUED: CHRIS I thought you were trying the patch. GLADYS I am. She raises her sleeve to reveal several nicotine patches. Chris exits through a door at the back of the museum. INT. MUSEUM - LIVING ROOM - DAY Chris enters the family living quarters. The furniture was new in 1947. He continues to the adjacent kitchen. INT. MUSEUM - KITCHEN - DAY Chris takes a beer out of the fridge. Then he notices an odd CLICKING. He tracks the sound to a stove burner permanently on "light." Chris moves to a fuse box in the adjacent hallway. He removes the fuse for the stove. The SPARKING STOPS. Chris sits at the table and has a cooling sip of beer. Gladys enters with a stack of bills. CHRIS That burner's on the fritz again. GLADYS Oh something's broken? What else is new? (lays bills on table) You need to pay these by the end of the month. CHRIS (looks at bills) Today... For a split second... I actually thought I had it. GLADYS Another vein of iron pyrite? CHRIS Yeah... Then a rat stole my lunch. I practically blew myself up trying to get it back. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: GLADYS I'm glad you like my bologna sandwiches. (beat) Maybe you should talk to Wade. CHRIS What are you saying? GLADYS Honey, if he really does have a buyer... CHRIS You of all people know how much my dad wanted to find that mother lode. GLADYS Your daddy wanted to get rich. I don't think he cared how that happened. If he was still alive, maybe he'd sell those mines. Chris takes umbrage... CHRIS And maybe you didn't know him so well after all. A tense beat. GLADYS You're right... I'm just worried about how we're going to pay these bills. CHRIS Don't give up on me, Gladys. I promised him I'd find the gold. And I will. Gladys steels her fear, patting Chris on the hand. EXT. TOWN - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAWN The sun rises. The town slowly comes to life. HARLAN (V.O.) Good morning, Prosperity, Nevada. It's another beautiful day on the frontier. Locals prepare their stores for business. 23. INT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE (DESERT) - DAY HARLAN (V.O.) No charges have been filed in yesterday's fracas between Chris McCormick and Wade Hale. And we've got... Joshua turns the radio down. He holds a tape measure to a glass spider tank, recording the size of an unseen arac. JOSHUA An exponential growth rate... That's impossible. CHARLIE Me so horny. Me love you long time. Joshua doesn't look back at the parrot sitting on its perch. JOSHUA Be quiet, bird! Charlie looks over at the tarantula tank. Watching curiously as the cloth cover moves slightly. As if one of the spiders is escaping. Charlie flies over to investigate. He lands on the counter and peers around the back of the tank. CHARLIE Charlie's in the wire! Incoming! Something yanks the parrot O.S. JOSHUA Stop screwing around...! Joshua looks back in search of the parrot. He notices several feathers floating down to the floor. He heads over to investigate. Joshua pulls the blanket clear to reveal the top of the cage has been pushed aside. No sign of any tarantulas. Joshua checks the back side of the tank. JOSHUA Where'd you go? Consuela? She's nowhere to be seen. Joshua spots something sticking out from under the table. Two parrot feet. Joshua pulls Charlie out from under the table. It's a horrible sight. The bird is wrapped in spider webbing. His body desiccated. (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: JOSHUA Charlie... Semper fidelis. Joshua sees Charlie is attached to a web. He tugs on the webline. Something tugs back. Joshua leans down to look under the table. His eyes go wide at what he sees. Then a shadow looms over his head. Joshua looks up and... EXT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE (DESERT) - DAY SCREAMS and the sounds of BREAKING GLASS come from within. EXT. PALMER HOUSE (TOWN) - DAY Ranch style. Cop car in front. Chris's pickup cruises by. INT. PICKUP TRUCK - OUTSIDE PALMER HOUSE - DAY Chris drives past. He catches sight of a figure in a window. INT. PALMER HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY Sam is brushing her teeth at the window as Chris drives by. They make eye contact. Chris moves on. Sam looks at herself in the mirror. Bathrobe. No makeup. Messy hair. Mouth full of toothpaste. SAM Work it, babe. INT. PALMER HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY Sam comes out of the bathroom dressed in her uniform. SAM It's all yours. Ashley and Mike exit their rooms. Mike is dressed for the day. Ashley in a robe. They race for the bathroom. Mike is first. Then Ashley hip-checks him out of the way, slamming the door in his face. ASHLEY (O.S.) Ladies first. (CONTINUED) 25. CONTINUED: MIKE What's your excuse!? Sam sticks her head out of a room at the end of the hall. SAM You still want a ride, Mike? MIKE I'm just going to the mall. SAM Have fun. Mike heads down the hallway and out of the house. INT. PALMER HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY Ashley turns on the shower, drops her robe, and climbs in. INT. BATHROOM - SHOWER - DAY Ashley is surrounded by steam. She sings an edgy gangsta rap tune by NWA. Tres' bizarre, non? Shampoo lather cascades down her face. Her eyes close. She is oblivious to a small spider crossing a web in front of her. The spider gets clear as Ashley rinses off the soap. Ashley rubs conditioner into her hair. The lather builds. Covering her face. Forcing her eyes closed once more. The spider returns across its web right in front of her eyes. The water stops. Ashley reaches for the showerhead blindly knocking the spider off its web. She feels no water coming out, and fumbles for a washcloth. Reaching with eyes closed, she can't see the little spider has landed on top of the cloth. As Ashley retrieves it, the spider scurries onto its opposite side. Ashley wipes the soap off her face. The spider rides the washcloth and moves toward her hand. Before it can strike, Ashley gets her eyes clear and drops the cloth. The cloth lands on the floor atop the spider. As the beast stares out from under it, barefoot Ashley steps on the cloth. Crushing the spider without ever knowing it was there. (CONTINUED) 26. CONTINUED: Ashley turns her attention to the showerhead. She cranks the water handles, trying to get the water flowing again. The handles suddenly pop off. Dozens of tiny spiders pour from the holes onto the floor. Ashley shrieks in horror. Sam bursts into the bathroom and yanks open the shower door. She drags Ashley out and looks at all the little spiders. SAM Now what? Ashley just screams. INT. HANK AND EMMA'S HOME - DAY The SCREAM of a SAWZALL. A house in the midst of remodeling. Sections of wall are exposed. Sheets cover furniture. HANK (30s) is the Bob Villa-poseur. A cat sits near an open section of wall. Watching something intently. The cat charges into the wall after unseen prey. EMMA (30s) comes downstairs wearing her bathrobe. She clutches her ears in pain, screaming for Hank to stop. He can't hear. She grabs his shoulder and he STOPS CUTTING. EMMA Why do you need to do that as six in the morning!? Do you hate me that much!? HANK I want to finish before I go to work. EMMA You've been saying that for six months! HANK I can't finish if you keep interrupting! Hanks RESTARTS the SAW as Emma staggers into the kitchen. 27. INT. REMODELED HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Emma makes herself a hangover helper. Egg, tabasco, lemon juice, and a shot of vodka. All of it goes into the BLENDER. She FIRES it UP. Competing with the noise of Hank's SAW. Then Emma notices a bowl of uneaten cat food. INT. REMODELED HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Emma comes back in and UNPLUGS the noisy SAW. HANK If you're gonna keep pulling the plug... EMMA Have you seen Zeke this morning? HANK He was chasing something earlier. EMMA If he got into the wall again, it's your balls in the blender. They hear FAINT MEOWING. Hank traces the source. It's coming from behind a partially-dismantled wall. HANK Hey, Zeke. Breakfast is ready. EMMA I'll get the tuna. Emma heads back into the kitchen. Hank listens at the wall. After a beat he hears the CAT RUSTLING around inside. HANK Zeke? Emma re-enters with a can of tuna. She hears ZEKE HISS. EMMA What's wrong with him? Hank shakes his head. The CAT noises become more aggressive. The panicked couple tries to follow the cat's progress. They tracks the sounds of BATTLE along the wall. The noises become FRANTIC. SCRABBLING CLAWS. HOWLS of KITTY pain. HANK & EMMA Zeke!? Zeke! Zeke! (CONTINUED) 28. CONTINUED: They follow the cat's frenzied movement up the wall, across the ceiling, and down the other wall. Hank hurries over. He can feel his cat thrashing maniacally on the other side. A FELINE SCREAM. And then deafening silence. Hank tears open the drywall, reaching for his cat. HANK I've got him by the tail. He withdraws all that remains of the Zeker... a bloody tail. EXT. MALL - DAY Mike hops off his bike before it stops moving. Letting it crash in the dirt. He enters the mall through glass doors. INT. MALL (PROSPERITY) - DAY Mike passes NORMAN (18), a janitor polishing the floors. Norman listens to LOUD DEATH ROCK TUNES on a Sony WALKMAN. NORMAN (conspiratorial) Hey, dude. Yeah. You. Mike comes over to this goatee'd rascal. NORMAN Wanna buy some smoke? MIKE A pack of cigarettes? NORMAN Smoke to get high, not to die. My stuff is hydroponically grown in a top secret location. No artificial flavors. No preservatives. Just 110 percent homegrown. MIKE Where's this secret location? (CONTINUED) 29. CONTINUED: NORMAN I could have a dime bag for you toot sweet. But if I tell you where exactly, I'd have to kill you. MIKE Norman, you know my mom's the sheriff. NORMAN Oh yeah... Right on... (considers this) Does she get high? Mike walks away, deeper into the mall. A dozen stores line the hallway: Victoria's Secret, Electronic Boutique, Sport Chalet. Most of the stores are closed for good. A large atrium features a fountain and jungle gym. Skylights cover the ceiling. Mike enters the Home and Garden store. INT. HOME AND GARDEN STORE - DAY Mike goes up to the counter. The CLERK snaps at him. CLERK The bug spray is on aisle five! MIKE What? CLERK You want mousetraps!? Is that it?! Aisle five! Mike grabs some batteries and lays them on the counter. CLERK Oh. I thought you wanted... An OLD LADY walks past. OLD LADY Excuse me, young man. Where can I find the bug spray? CLERK Aisle five! The Clerk grabs the PA's microphone. (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: CLERK (over PA speakers) All bug spray, rodent traps, ant poison and fly paper is on aisle five! He returns his attention to Mike. CLERK That'll be three fifty-two. Mike pays the man. MIKE Where's aisle five? The annoyed Clerk points. Mike heads over. He sees the aisle is crowded with locals squabbling over the few remaining cans of Raid, Black Flag and Off. EXT. BEVERLY'S HOUSE (TOWN) - DAY Beverly uncoils a hose, cranks a spigot. She sprays her vegetable garden with water. After a beat, a solid object is coughed up through the hose. Beverly continues watering. Two more unidentified objects are spewed from the hose. She reacts by cranking the spigot on full. The water sprays harder. Then inexplicably stops. Beverly checks the spigot. She looks into the opening of the hose. Puts it to her ear and listens. Sniffs. Now she puts the end of the hose in her mouth and sucks deeply, trying to siphon away the blockage. Beverly removes the hose. A FAINT RUMBLING sound. She puts it back in her mouth and sucks. A solid object comes through the hose and into her mouth. Then another. And another. A dozen things pump through the hose and into her mouth. Beverly yanks it out. Water spews from her mouth and out of the hose. Apparently the blockage has cleared. Beverly falls to her knees. Hunching forward. She vomits forth a stomach full of water... and small spiders. Mouth agape. Eyes wide in horror. She watches them scurry into the garden. Beverly tries to scream... but can only retch. 31. EXT. STREET (TOWN) - DAY Mike Palmer rides his bike through a puddle of water. He sees Beverly throwing up in her vegetable garden. Mike it thoroughly grossed out. EXT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE (DESERT) - DAY Mike rides his bike into Joshua's front yard. He dismounts before the BIKE stops. It CRASHES. Mike heads inside. INT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE - DAY Mike stops short in the doorway. An off-hook TELEPHONE BEEPS incessantly. WIND MOANS through shattered windows. Furniture is tipped over. Mike moves through the chaos. MIKE Hello? Joshua? Charlie? The spider tanks are shattered. No trace of their occupants. Mike pulls out his Cassiopeia PDA and starts recording. MIKE (into PDA) Captain's log. Stardate... Stops recording, PLAYS it BACK, listens to HIS VOICE. MIKE Cool! (records again) The house is deserted. No sign of Joshua Taft or his bird. The spider tanks are shattered. There is broken glass everywhere. Mike moves toward the back door of the cabin. It swings open and shut in the WIND. EXT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE (DESERT) - BACK YARD - DAY Mike comes out and notices hundreds of coin-sized footprints. He follows these tracks to a cluster of wooden barricades labeled: "McCORMICK AND SONS MINING COMPANY." Mike peers toward a vertical mine shaft behind the barriers. (CONTINUED) 32. CONTINUED: MIKE (into PDA) Animal tracks. Definitely too big to be spiders. Could be rats. Mike slips past the barricades. Following the tracks to the edge of the abyss. He can't see anything. It's too dark. Mike turns away and returns to the yard. Never realizing... Several feet down the shaft. Hidden under a rock... the shriveled and desiccated corpse of Joshua Taft. It hangs from the side of the shaft in thick sticky webbing. Grisly. Suddenly the corpse is tugged loose and dragged deeper into the shaft by some unseen creature. EXT. MINE SHAFT - DAY Chris's pickup is parked outside another mine shaft. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAY Chris works with his pick-axe. He pauses, listening to a DISTURBING NOISE somewhere down the tunnel. A growl? A roar? Chris isn' t so sure. And then a new sound... a SCREECHING. The noise grows LOUDER. Something's coming. Chris shines his light into the darkness. Trying to see what's causing the unsettling crescendo... Suddenly dozens of RATS burst from the darkness. EXT. MINE SHAFT - DAY Chris runs out the mouth of the tunnel. The rat stampede is on his tail. He leaps into the back of his pickup. The manic rodents continue off into the desert. Chris looks back toward the gaping mouth of the tunnel. CHRIS What am I, the Pied Piper... 33. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - BARBER SHOP - DAY Mike rides his bike. Floyd the barber stands out front chatting with an elderly couple. They hold a dog's leash in their hand. FLOYD I'm sorry. I haven't seen him. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - DAY Mike rides on. He notices a guy taping a flyer to a lamp post. Mike glances over. It's a sign for a missing dog. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - POLICE STATION - DAY Mike arrives at the local police station. Several cars are parked out front. The door is ajar. Locals are crowded inside. Mike lets his bike crash as he enters. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Sam is behind her desk. The place is swarming with locals. SAM Quiet! Quiet please! The mob is not listening. BEVERLY They were clogging up my house! EMMA I want to know what killed Zeke! TRAVIS He was a good dog! He wouldn't just get up and go! Deputy Pete whistles at top volume. Everybody shuts up. SAM I had spiders at my house too. We need an exterminator not a sheriff. TRAVIS What about my dog? (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: SAM I don't know, Travis. We're gonna keep an eye out. But we're not gettin' anywhere like this. You should go back out there and look for your animals. If they haven't shown up by tonight. I'll call Fish and Game. Okay? Pete ushers the grumbling mob out of the office. Mike avoids the crush and manages to stay inside. MIKE Mom! Mom! All Josh's spiders are gone! SAM I can't do this right now, Mike! Everyone's having pest problems! MIKE But Joshua is gone! SAM Maybe he's out looking for his spiders? MIKE Mom, I'm serious! You're not listening! SAM Mike... I've got missing pets. Spiders in the plumbing. Rats and mice coming out of basements. And your sister's about to end up on a milk carton. I can't have you losing... The PHONE RINGS. Sam answers it. SAM Hello? Wade... wait a second... your ostriches? OFF Mike's look. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - DIRT DRIVEWAY - DAY Prosperity is clearly visible just a mile away. The police car drives down a long road lined with fences. 35. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - RANCH HOUSE - DAY Wade's new Hummer is in the driveway. A CATTLE DOG BARKS as Wade leads Sam and Mike around the side of the house. WADE Came out to feed my birds this morning. SAM Coyotes? WADE Hell no! The trio steps to the fence. Only three mangy ostriches are there to greet them. WADE My flock had fifty birds! Where'd they go, dammit! Who the hell steals fifty birds that can't even fly!? SAM All this happened last night? WADE I guess. And we didn't hear a thing. Sam gestures toward the BARKING DOG. SAM What about him? WADE Not a peep. Mike notices some ostrich feathers on the ground. He heads over for a closer look. The DOG watches his progress. BARKING excitedly. Sam talks to Wade. SAM How's the ostrich business? WADE Not so good lately. SAM You've got that new Hummer. You must be makin' enough to pay for it. (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: WADE (annoyed) You like it? I'll take you for a ride. SAM These birds are insured. Right? WADE I didn't kill my birds, Sam. Is that what you think? Mike looks back to see his mom confronting Wade. WADE (in the distance) ... reject... absolutely not... Mike scrutinizes what appear to be more of those tracks that he found at Joshua's. But this time they are larger: MIKE (into PDA) I've found more tracks. Even larger now. Mike follows the trail toward another mine entrance. This one is plugged with concrete. The tracks don't go there. They stop at what appears to be a normal patch of ground. Several ostrich feathers are scattered nearby. Mike takes a closer look. Something doesn't seem right. An odd demarcation in the soil. His fingers trace the edge of a thin film of material. It is a lid of sorts. A sheath of sticky webbing coated with dirt. Mike is able to lift it. Mike peers into a deep dark burrow three feet wide. INT. UNDERGROUND BURROW - DAY Twenty feet down the shaft. A shape moves. TRAPDOOR SPIDER POV - MIKE A MULTI-EYED SPIDER'S VIEW of Mike at the top of the burrow. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - OSTRICH PEN - DAY Mike squints into the burrow but can't see anything. 37. INT. UNDERGROUND BURROW - DAY A dark shape inches up the burrow toward Mike. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - OSTRICH PEN - DAY Mike is oblivious as he peers into the dark. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - RANCH HOUSE - DAY The BARKING CATTLE DOG SNAPS its TETHER and charges Mike. Sam and Wade see this and run after it. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - OSTRICH PEN - DAY Mike doesn't see the dog. He's too busy looking in the hole. INT. UNDERGROUND BURROW - TRAPDOOR SPIDER POV - MIKE The kid is FRAMED IN the burrow opening just a few feet away. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - OSTRICH PEN - DAY Mike senses something approaching in the darkness. Suddenly he's grabbed from behind. Sam drags him away as CLYDE the cattle dog continues BARKING. WADE (to Clyde) Now you're on the job?! What the hell were you doin' last night?! SAM Come on, Mike. Let's hit it. Sam leads her son toward the house. Mike glances back. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - DIRT DRIVEWAY - DAY Mike and Sam are in the cop car. Wade is at Sam's window. WADE I need to know what happened to my birds! (CONTINUED) 38. CONTINUED: SAM If I find anything I'll let you know. (a beat) So you can fill out that insurance form. Sam drives down the driveway. Wade takes off his hat and wipes his brow. He watches Clyde run parallel to the accelerating police car. INT. POLICE CAR (DIRT DRIVEWAY) - DAY Sam eyes the road ahead. Mike is lost in thought. MIKE We have to go back. SAM Mike? MIKE That was a trapdoor spider's burrow. SAM What are you talking about? MIKE Joshua was feeding his spiders bugs from the creek. And they were getting bigger. Mike glances out the window at the dog running nearby. MIKE (agitated) What if they didn't stop growing? What if they broke out of their tanks. Ate Joshua. And went into the mines? Sam looks at him like he's out of his mind. MIKE That could be why the other species are coming out into the open. They're trying to get away from the giant spiders. (a beat) The ecosystem is out of balance. (CONTINUED) 39. CONTINUED: SAM Have you been overdosing your Ritalin? She checks him for a fever. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - DIRT DRIVEWAY - FENCE LINE - DAY CLYDE runs next to the car. Suddenly he disappears underground with a YELP. Only still frame on a DVD player will capture the trapdoor spider's lunge from a camouflaged den. The dog's empty collar rolls to a stop in a cloud of dust. INT. POLICE CAR (DIRT DRIVEWAY) - DAY Mike turns from his mother and looks out the window. He is confused when he doesn't see any sign of the dog. MIKE Maybe I am losing it... He checks himself for a fever. INT. ABANDONED TRUCK STOP (DESERT) - DAY A dingy collection of buildings surrounded by dunes and rock. The structures have boarded windows. Graffiti on the walls. Teenagers hang out. Off-road motorcycles parked nearby. Bret Hale's monster truck does donuts in the parking lot. Ashley hangs out the passenger window shrieking with glee. INT. BRET'S TRUCK (TRUCK STOP) - DAY Bret smokes a Phillies Blunt as he donuts his TRUCK. Ashley laughs hysterically. Bret steers them around to the back of the truck stop. He SKIDS to a stop. ASHLEY Woo-hoo! Bret offers his stogie. Ashley refuses. Bret puffs away. ASHLEY Haven't you had enough of that? (CONTINUED) 40. CONTINUED: BRET No such thing. Norman's bud is da'kine. He coughs and they both laugh. BRET When I medal at the X-Games, Honda will give me full sponsorship. Then I'll take you with me on the Supercross tour. Ashley is silent. BRET Are you still thinking about going away? ASHLEY I don't know. I want to do something with my life, Bret. Help people. Maybe med school is still an option. BRET Not if you keep hanging out with me. ASHLEY Thanks, Mom. They kiss. Things head toward a serious level of "get down." Bret slides his hand up Ashley's shirt. Ashley gets into it. But then Bret slides his hand toward the buttons of her 501s. Ashley removes his hand. ASHLEY Slow down... Bret persists. Ashley climbs off of him. BRET I thought you loved me. ASHLEY I do! BRET Then what's the problem? You want to leave town. You don't want to make out. ASHLEY I don't feel... (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: BRET What? ASHLEY I don't want to lose my virginity in the front seat of a monster truck. BRET Why didn't you say so? We can go outside. I've got a blanket in the back. ASHLEY No... I guess... I'm just not ready. BRET Tammy and Larry do it every night! ASHLEY Then call them! Have a menage a trois! BRET Come on, Ashley. Mommy's not around. You don't have to play the good girl. Let Daddy give you what you really want. Bret goes after her once more. Ashley's not into it. ASHLEY Please, Bret... Please don't... But Bret won't listen. Ashley isn't strong enough to fight him. She reaches into her purse and pulls out her stun gun. She rams it up in Bret's crotch and pulls the trigger. Bret howls like a baboon in a wood chipper. He spasmodically jerks off of Ashley and tumbles out the driver's side door. EXT. BEHIND TRUCK STOP - DAY Bret twitches on the ground. BRET My balls? Ahh! My balls! (looks down) I pissed myself?! Damn, bee-otch! (CONTINUED) 42. CONTINUED: Ashley watches from the truck. ASHLEY I told you to back off! Ashley closes the door of the truck and rolls up the windows. Bret is dazed as he gets to his feet. Then his eyes rack-focus to a nearby dune. A Rottweiler-sized jumping spider stands atop it. Two large eyes surrounded by six smaller orbs. Orange and black designs on its abdomen. Wiry hair. Dagger-sized fangs. Bret can't quite believe what he sees. Ashley STARTS the TRUCK. This snaps Bret back to reality. BRET Ashley, wait! ASHLEY Screw you, Bret. I'm going home. Bret sees the spider leisurely coming down off the dune. He runs over to the door of the pickup and tries to open it. BRET Please! Open the door! I'm sorry! ASHLEY I can't believe my mom was right about you. Do you know how embarrassing that is? Ashley starts to pull away. Bret keeps banging on the glass. BRET Open the door, baby! I love you! I want to marry you! Have my children! Please! Ashley flips him the bird and BURNS RUBBER. As the truck moves out of the way, Bret finds himself staring at several more jumping spiders that are methodically approaching. Bret sprints around to the other side of the truck stop. 43. EXT. TRUCK STOP - PARKING LOT - DAY Bret runs from behind the building. Larry Witzer and a bunch of other kids see him coming. LARRY Dude, did you piss in your pants? RANDY Ha-ha! Bret pissed his pants! All the kids start laughing and pointing at Bret. None of them see the approaching jumping spiders. BRET Get out of here! They're coming! RANDY The only one coming is you, dude. Larry and Randy high-five. A jumping spider lands on Randy's back, piercing him with its fangs, throwing him to the ground. Randy screams. The kids have a front-row seat as the spider's pincers mash their buddy into an edible pulp. Bret leaps onto his MOTORCYCLE and FIRES it UP. Several more jumping spiders bound across the parking lot. BRET Ride! The kids scramble, leaping onto their bikes. One rider is picked off by a spider. The others kick up rooster tails as they accelerate away. The spiders chase them into the dunes. EXT. SAND DUNES - DAY A wasteland on the outskirts of town. The sandy waves are "surfed" by the noisy MOTORCYCLES. The jumping spiders keep after them, leaping a dozen feet in a single bound. A biker is ripped off a motorcycle. The BIKE CRASHES. Larry ends up with a jumper on his bike. Another biker tries to kick it off, managing to knock the critter into the motorcycle's spokes. The spider gets munched. But then the courageous biker crashes and is set upon by a hungry jumper. Larry continues riding. But a spider lands on his back and sinks fangs into his spine. Larry yells bloody murder. (CONTINUED) 44. CONTINUED: Bret sees Larry go down in a cloud of gore and sand. Bret is the only human left. A jumper comes after him in mid-air. Bret does an X-Games style rocket air, kicking backward with booted legs. He knocks the spider away and keeps on riding. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Three familiar trucks cruise down the highway. This time they are devoid of any toxic waste cargo. INT. THIRD TRUCK - HIGHWAY - DAY Pig Pen stares fixedly at the endless road ahead of him. SELF-HELP TAPE (V.O.) I will live every moment of my life as if it were my last. PIG PEN I will live every moment of my life as if it were my last. Suddenly Bret Hale wheelies across the road. A jumping spider explodes against the windshield. Spider guts splatter everywhere. Pig Pen screams as he JAMS on the BRAKES. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The TRUCK jack-knifes into a line of telephone poles. Knocking them over and rolling multiple times before EXPLODING. Several jumping spiders are caught in the blast. Bret Hale rides on with several more jumpers behind. INT. PALMER HOUSE - MIKE'S ROOM - DAY The black and white classic: Tarantula, plays over an old TV and VCR. Mike is at his computer, downloading a spider encyclopedia into his PDA. A message flashes across the screen: CONNECTION LOST. Mike picks up the telephone. MIKE Hello? Hello? The line is dead. 45. EXT. DESERT - DAY Bret rides into a dead-end canyon with the spiders very close behind. Bret steers for the mouth of a hillside mine shaft. INT HORIZONTAL MINE SHAFT - DAY Bret speeds inside. He looks over his shoulder to check for his pursuers, they're gone. Bret looks relieved. He faces forward as... whack! A support beam knocks him from his bike. The bike continues on into the tunnel alone. From the sound of things it travels pretty far before crashing. Bret lies on the ground as dust settles onto his face. He looks up at a support beam which begins to crack. Bret moves clear just as the ceiling caves in, sealing him in the mine. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - DAY Several locals put up more signs for missing pets. INT. DINER/EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - DAY Harlan is kibitzing with Travis. Pete and Emma console each other over dessert. Wade sits alone at a table for two. The attractive WAITRESS on roller-skates give him a fresh beer. WAITRESS The phones went down for some reason. Maybe that's why Bret didn't call. Did you want to go ahead and order? WADE Just give me the usual. WAITRESS One ostrich steak, comin' up. Wade reacts glumly to the word "ostrich." INT. MUSEUM - KITCHEN - DAY Gladys smokes as she puts together the fixings for a large meal. She has a cookbook out. Pots and pans. Chris enters. Gladys quickly drops her cigarette in the disposal. (CONTINUED) 46. CONTINUED: GLADYS What are you doing home? CHRIS Need some rat traps. GLADYS Try the basement. CHRIS What is all this? GLADYS I wanted to surprise you with a special dinner. Turkey De La Gladys. CHRIS I'll have mine without Nicotine. GLADYS Not as good that way. Chris goes through a nearby door to the basement. INT. MUSEUM - BASEMENT - DAY Chris comes downstairs. He rummages through some junk. comes up with several rat traps. He turns around to discover an odd hole in the wall. He ventures over for a look. CHRIS Rats... Chris leans into the hole, his jacket restricts his entry. Chris pulls out of the hole, standing to reveal a large male tarantula on his back. Chris is oblivious as he takes off his jacket. The coat lands in a heap atop the spider. Chris gets back down and places one of the rat traps in the hole. He doesn't notice the jacket moving behind him. Chris backs out of the hole. He picks up his jacket. The spider is gone. He grabs his traps and heads upstairs. 47. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Chris passes through the kitchen. He eyes Gladys warily. CHRIS Have you been smoking? GLADYS No. Smoke pours out of her nostrils. CHRIS Gladys... GLADYS Get back to work. I'll see you tonight. Chris starts out. GLADYS Sam called for you. Chris hesitates. GLADYS She wants you to come by the station. CHRIS She really has it in for me. GLADYS Oh please. CHRIS What? GLADYS You two should just sleep together and get it over with. CHRIS Me and Sam... Hook up... GLADYS I may be older than electricity, but I used to be a nice-looking piece of tail. CHRIS Too much information. (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: GLADYS I'm not kidding. I got more action than those chicks on VIP. So when I tell you Sam thinks your butt is U.S.D.A. choice... CHRIS This is where I throw up. GLADYS Don't tell me you don't think she's a fox. Chris mulls this over. Testing his own feelings. He opens his mouth to ask another question. And then heads out. GLADYS See you for dinner. Gladys doesn't notice the basement DOOR CREAK open slightly. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Sam is on the phone at her desk. SAM Nothing yet. I'm sorry. We're still trying to get... Chris enters. SAM Let me call you back. (hangs up) This has been one crazy day. We've got missing pets, dead ostriches. God only knows what's next. CHRIS I'm sorry about yesterday. Wade is... He knows how to push my buttons. SAM I wanted to ask you... CHRIS On a date? Sam freezes for a second. Chris laughs. (CONTINUED) 49. CONTINUED: CHRIS I'm kidding. What did you want to ask? SAM Have you noticed anything strange in the mines? CHRIS Define strange. SAM I had spiders in my house. Hector had roaches in his basement. Some mice... CHRIS How about stampeding rats? SAM Were they running away from something? CHRIS Could have been. Never saw them do that before. I guess it qualifies as strange. Sam thinks this over. CHRIS Sam... Do you want to go out sometime? SAM (taken aback) Are you asking me out on a date? CHRIS Only if you're going to say yes. Sam smiles slightly. INT. MUSEUM - KITCHEN - DAY The basement door is wide open. Gladys mixes food in a bowl. A cigarette with a massive ash hangs off her lip. A male tarantula moves across the ceiling. The creature is the size of a pit bull. Two quivering palps flank dart-sized fangs. Multiple eyes the size of quarters. Hair all over. (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: Gladys is oblivious to the ominous threat above her. As she works, the spider shadows her. Every time the spider is about to strike, she goes another direction to get spices, utensils, a pan. Gladys places her bowl on the stove. Suddenly the tarantula drops onto the stove right in front of her. Gladys shrieks. The tarantula lashes out at her. Gladys grabs a frying pan and smashes it across the face as she stumbles backward. The spider reels, striking the burner knobs, turning on the gas. Gladys registers the sound of ESCAPING GAS. She looks back toward the fuse box and makes a run for it. As she goes, the tarantula fires a webline at her. Gladys gets the fuse off the top of the fuse box, but the webline prevents her from slotting it home. Gladys strains with all her might, finally slots the fuse. She turns toward the kitchen just in time to see the broken burner spark to life. The gas ignites. The tarantula is engulfed in flame. Gladys is knocked down by the blast. She lies on her back when a second male tarantula nails her with a webline. Gladys screams as she's dragged across the floor toward the basement door. The fire grows more intense, spreading quickly. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY CHRIS So that's a 'No.' SAM My kids are the world to me, Chris. When their dad left... it really took a toll. On all of us. I can't go through that again. I won't. CHRIS No... I understand... I don't know what I was thinking... (laughs) Gladys has some crazy ideas. I'm gonna kill her. Deputy Pete throws open the door. (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: PETE The museum's on fire! OFF Chris's look. EXT. BURNING MUSEUM - DAY The museum burns. The volunteer fire department attacks the conflagration. All the locals are there to help. Sam's COP CAR SKIDS to a stop. Chris leaps out. Stares at the fire for a beat. And then he charges toward the inferno. Sam tackles him from behind. Pinning him to the ground. CHRIS No! Let me go! Gladys! Let me go! The museum collapses. Chris watches it burn to the ground. EXT. MUSEUM - DAY (LATER) The fire is out. The once-proud building is now a smoldering pile of rubble. Locals stand in small groups. Chris wanders through the ruins as firemen mop up. He picks something out of the char. The map of the mines. Almost completely burned. Soaked with water. He stares at it for a heavy beat. All that remains of his legacy. Sam steps up. SAM Maybe she got out. Sam puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. CHRIS (devastated) She was cooking. The stove was broken. SAM Why don't you come home with me? We'll get you cleaned up. Chris hesitates for a moment. And then he lets the map fall. He walks out of the ruins with Sam. (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: Mike stands off to the side. He spots something near the edge of the ruins. He goes over to pick it up. It's a piece of arachnid exoskeleton. A spider's leg. Big. Very big. Travis the fire chief warns him away. TRAVIS Get away from there, Mike! Mike hurries clear with his prize. He puts it on the ground, sketches the outline of a spider to fit the scale of the leg. MIKE Holy God... Mike looks around for his mom. He sees her driving off in the cop car with Chris. MIKE Mom! Wait! EXT. PALMER HOUSE - DUSK The sun hangs low in the sky. Sam's cop car parks beside Bret's monster truck. INT. PALMER HOUSE - DAY Ashley watches TV. A doctor resuscitates a dying patient with CPR. The doctor counts as he pumps the man's chest. TV DOCTOR (V.O.) One... two... three... Ashley watches intently. The patient is revived. TV DOCTOR (V.O.) Helping people never gets old. Ashley hears KEYS in the front DOOR. She quickly switches channels to MTV. Sam enters with Chris. SAM Is Bret here? ASHLEY No. SAM Then why is his truck out front? (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: ASHLEY Don't worry about it. SAM What do you mean? What happened? ASHLEY Nothing. Ashley starts crying. Sam goes to comfort her daughter. Chris stands by in shock. Watching, Upset. ASHLEY Nothing happened, alright! Ashley runs off to her room. Sam follows. Chris stands alone for a beat. He walks to the kitchen and pulls a bottle of Vodka from the freezer. He puts the cold bottle against his head and neck. Trying to cool off. Mike bursts into the house carrying his piece of exoskeleton. He sees Chris opening the bottle of vodka. MIKE Spiders shed their skins when they grow. Chris looks at Mike for a moment. MIKE Like snakes. CHRIS Gladys is dead. Chris drinks vodka straight from the bottle. MIKE Maybe not. That got Chris's attention. MIKE This is a tarantula's leg. Or it was. It's an exoskeleton, to be scientific. CHRIS It's a little large. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: Chris has another gulp of vodka as Mike holds up his Cassiopeia full of spider data. He shows Chris a video of a male tarantula mummifying its food. Chris watches in amazement. MIKE See! Male tarantulas wrap their prey in webbing. Tight like a mummy. The food stays alive so they can eat it later. Sam enters the room in time to overhear this. SAM Mike, please. Now isn't the time. Chris looks up at Sam. CHRIS They keep their food alive. Mike hands his mother the new piece of exoskeleton. SAM What is this? MIKE A spider's leg! Sam flinches, dropping the object to the floor. MIKE Careful! SAM No. That's a piece of cactus. Look... It's covered with spines. MIKE Those are quills! Tarantulas can flick them at you like darts! Mike does an odd flicking motion. Kind of like a dog scratching a flea. SAM Giant tarantulas? MIKE Tarantulas! Wolfs! Trapdoors! Joshua had a ton of exotics! (CONTINUED) 55. CONTINUED: CHRIS If there were giant spiders roaming the desert, don't you think somebody would've seen them by now? MIKE The jumpers hunt in daylight. But not the others. They only come out when the sun goes down! The group looks to the window, the sun hangs low in the sky. EXT. TOWN - DUSK Prosperity is bathed in sunset. The mine shaft entrances are clearly visible. Like black holes of malevolent promise. INT. PALMER HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY The garage is cluttered. Old station wagon. Bikes. Skis. Sam leads Chris to a bag full of her ex-husband's clothes. SAM I guess I should watch more 'Oprah.' It must be a textbook 'no-dad' kind of thing. Chris shifts awkwardly. In shock. Sad. Sam holds up a flannel shirt. CHRIS That one looks kind of scratchy. Sam holds up a shirt that Chris approves of. He takes it and proceeds to take off his old soot-stained shirt. SAM All Jason cared about was getting out and starting over. I guess that included buying a new wardrobe. Sam turns to pass Chris a pair of Levis. He's buttoning up the new shirt. Chris takes the pants. He doesn't register Sam ogling his exposed chest. (CONTINUED) 56. CONTINUED: CHRIS Gladys thought I should sell... but you know... I never wanted to get rich. If it was about the money, I would have sold out to Wade a long time ago. Chris moves behind the car and takes off his pants. CHRIS I think I just wanted to prove the gold was down there. That my family wasn't crazy to keep looking. Even after we'd lost so much. And now... she's gone, too. SAM I'm sorry, Chris. CHRIS Do you know what I'm trying to say? SAM It wasn't about spending the gold, it was about finding it. CHRIS That's right. That's exactly right. Sam glimpses Chris through car windows. The poor guy's struggling to pull on some 501s. Sam turns away, but catches sight of him in a propped-up glass door. CHRIS Remind me never to let you do my laundry. She turns, only to see him in a mirror. He steps out from behind the car. Sam stares at him. SAM They look great. INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - SUNSET A melancholy N'SYNC ballad plays over a BOOM BOX. Ashley sits on her bed with her back to the open window. The sun setting in the distance. She rips up the photographs of Bret. (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: Ashley doesn't notice the Great Dane-sized spitting spider crawling in through her window. It is striped like a jungle predator. It comes all the way into the room and then lingers among Ashley's stuffed animal collection. INT. MIKE'S ROOM - DUSK Mike checks the phone. Still dead. He types at his computer, entering the specification of the piece of exoskeleton. A digital representation of a spider grows on his monitor screen. Showing Mike exactly how big the spider would be after shedding this skin. Mike is distracted by the LOUD MUSIC coming from Ashley's room. MIKE Can't you turn that down?! INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - DUSK MIKE (O.S.) I'm doing spider research! Ashley stops ripping. She goes to the pile of animals, oblivious to the spider. The beast doesn't move. Ashley grabs a pink teddy bear with a heart on its belly. She returns to bed and cuts the bear's heart out with scissors. The spitting spider sneaks up behind Ashley. As it moves, so does Ashley. She scoops up the torn photos and mutilated bear, dumping them in the trash. She turns around to find the giant spider on her bed. She freezes momentarily. ASHLEY (sotto) Spider... Mike... Spider... Ashley sees her stun gun is on the dresser. She lunges for it. She's almost got it. The spider squirts two lines of gummy web at Ashley. The glop hits her int he chest, carries her backward. Glues her to the wall. INT. GARAGE - NIGHT Chris finishes dressing. He faces Sam. There is an odd moment as they find themselves standing close. If the circumstances were different they'd probably end up kissing. And then they hear ASHLEY'S bloodcurdling SCREAM. 58. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Mike pops out of his door. Sam and Chris run down the hallway. Sam yanks open the door to Ashley's room. INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Sam, Chris and Mike stand in the doorway staring at a giant spider menacing Ashley. The spitter fires another webby blast, sticking the girl's legs to the wall. MIKE Wow! A scytodes spitter! Chris pushes past Sam and Mike. He grabs a chair and shoves it at the spitter like a lion tamer. The spider backs off. Sam takes off running down the hallway. ASHLEY Where are you going? INT. SAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Sam runs up to find a gun case. She tries to get a shotgun, but finds it locked. She doesn't have the key. Sam grabs objects in the room and smashes the gun rack to pieces. INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Chris has the chair in one hand to fend off the spider. With the other hand he tries to get Ashley out of the webbing. Mike stands nearby reading from his Cassiopeia. MIKE The scytodes spits a gooey discharge to immobilize their prey. ASHLEY No shit! The spider hits Chris's chair with a blast of webbing. The chair is blown from his hand, and stuck to the wall. Chris stands weaponless before the spider. ASHLEY Use my stun g... Ashley is nailed in the face with another blast of goo. Mouth sealed shut. Chris reaches under the bed and pushes it over on to the spitter. The spider leaps clear onto the wall. (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: MIKE (reads) Watch its fangs! The spitter's fangs move from side to side as it fires! CHRIS I'll keep that in mind. Chris grabs the spitter from behind and drags it off the wall. The spider turns to fight. Chris wrestles it to the ground. He sees the fangs begin to move from side to side and rolls clear of a point-blank web shot. INT. SAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Sam takes a purposeful step back and launches a spinning roundhouse kick that snaps the shotgun out of its binding. She grabs the bang stick and runs from the room. INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Chris puts himself between Ashley and the spider. He looks for a weapon. Lunges for the scissors, but the spitter nails him with a blast of glue. Chris is flung across the room and stuck to the wall by the sleeve of his shirt. He shrugs out of it and makes another grab for his scissors. He gets them. MIKE Get under it! Stab it in the abdomen! They don't have any armor down there! CHRIS How am I supposed to do that!? The spider leaps at Chris... and EXPLODES in midair. Bits of gore shower Chris. He stands to see Sam in the door with her shotgun. Chris is covered in spider guts. CHRIS I'm gonna need some new pants. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Sam finishes loading new shells into her shotgun and then pops a fresh clip into her 9mm. Chris comes out of the garage wearing clean clothes. Sam chucks him the pistol. (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: SAM Ever used one of these? CHRIS I'm a fast learner. Chris tries to put the gun in his pocket. And then his waistband. But these damn pants are too tight. Ashley uses scissors to cut web out of her hair. MIKE I told you! I told you all! But nobody ever listens to Mike! Still think I'm crazy, Mom? SAM I'm sorry I didn't believe you. Ashley is about to hyperventilate. SAM Calm down, baby. ASHLEY There aren't enough wine coolers in the world to calm me down! SAM I won't let anything happen to you. Sam ka-chacks a fresh round into her shotgun. CHRIS What other spiders did Joshua have? MIKE Spitters, jumpers, orb weavers, tarantulas... CHRIS Why couldn't he keep goldfish like a normal person? Sam checks the phone. It's dead. SAM We need to warn people. CHRIS How about the radio station? (CONTINUED) 61. CONTINUED: SAM Good one. We'll go to Harlan's. ASHLEY Outside? You want to go outside? EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - PALMER HOUSE- NIGHT Chris and Sam open the front door of the house. Sam looks one way. Chris the other. No giant spiders lurking about. Chris and Sam continue onto the lawn. Mike and Ashley watch from the safety of the doorway. They listen to the comforting SOUNDS OF a SUMMER NIGHT. SAM It's okay... Mike and Ashley move out of the doorway. Joining the adults. They move toward the cop car. EXT. STREETS (TOWN) - NIGHT The cop car cruises. The occupants peer out the windows. Everything appears normal. Although no people are visible. EXT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - NIGHT Sam, Chris, and the kids move away from the cop car to the door. They are at the far end of town. All appears to be normal. INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - NIGHT Harlan is broadcasting. HARLAN ... I'm saying the invasion has already occurred. The aliens are among us. But they've taken common forms. They hide in plain sight. Harlan is startled as Sam and the others enter with guns. SAM We need to make an emergency broadcast. (CONTINUED) 62. CONTINUED: HARLAN What happened? MIKE Giant spider invasion. Harlan's jaw drops. Sam takes the microphone. CHRIS What are you going to say? You can't tell them the truth. SAM (into microphone) Is this thing on? Hello? This is Sam Palmer. We have an emergency situation. EXT. STREET (TOWN) - NIGHT SAM (V.O.) A pack of rabid coyotes is loose in town. Wolf spiders crawl across rooftops. Spitters scale buildings Tarantulas lurk in the shadows. Jumpers scuttle out of the mineshafts. Trapdoors prepare their burrows. INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT This funky old couple relaxes in their LaZee-Boys. SAM (V.O.) They are extremely dangerous. The forelegs of a tarantula reach over the top of the man's recliner, yanking him clean out. The woman is oblivious as her husband is dragged away across the floor. EXT. HANK AND EMMA'S HOME - NIGHT Emma bursts out of the front door, screaming hysterically. Hank is behind her with the SawzAll. A wolf spider crawls after them from inside the house. SAM (V.O.) Arm yourselves with any weapons you can find. Hank raises the saw, overextending the power cable. He loses power. Drops the saw and runs for his life. 63. INT. BARBERSHOP - NIGHT Floyd and Leroy use brooms to fend off several wolf spiders. SAM (V.O.) Stay together and head for the mall. INT. DINER - NIGHT A spider eats the chef. The waitress roller-skates away from an arachnid. She jumps through the window into the street. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT A family piles into their mini-van. Oblivious to the jumper hiding in the "way back." They close the door and drive off. INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - NIGHT Harlan has donned a vintage football helmet and pads. CHRIS The mall? SAM The walls are concrete and the exits have steel gates. We could hold an entire army of giant spiders from inside. ASHLEY You just said giant spider on the air. Sam sees the microphone is keyed. HARLAN Now that's great radio! SAM Not giant spiders! I meant to say... Harlan notices long spider legs passing the window. HARLAN The aliens! 64. EXT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - NIGHT Sam and the others spill out of the trailer. They head for the cop car. As they get closer, a wolf spider climbs onto the car's roof and gnaws on the light bar. Sam raises her gun to blast it. MIKE Wait, Mom! The noise will attract more of them! CHRIS Let's try for the mall. Sam leads the others toward town. EXT. MAIN STREET - NIGHT Chris and Sam hang onto the panicked kids. Harlan brings up the rear. The place is chaos. People are chased by spiders. Dragged by spiders. Killed by spiders. Eaten by spiders. CHRIS My truck's at the museum. SAM Your keys? CHRIS In my other pants. MIKE Look out! The group flees a trio of goo-firing spitters. Suddenly a familiar mini-van races past. HARLAN Stop! Take us with you! Harlan tries to flag down the speeding ride but sees... The van's occupants are locked in combat with a jumper. The beast is inside their vehicle and tearing them to pieces. The van crashes. EXT. POWER LINES (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - NIGHT A group of orb weavers scurry across power lines. They hit a transformer, shorting it out. The entire town is suddenly plunged into darkness. Headlights. GUNFIRE. Moonlight. Spotty illumination for the arachnids' feeding frenzy. 65. EXT. ALLEY (TOWN) - NIGHT A dumpster. The lid rises slightly. Wade Hale peers out from within. He lifts the lid higher, oblivious to the wolf spider on top of it. The spider reaches down at him. WADE No! Please! The spider is suddenly BLOWN AWAY by Sam and Chris. Wade climbs out of the dumpster. WADE Thank you! Chris and Sam move on with the kids. Wade runs after them. Mike looks at garbage-covered Wade. MIKE You stink. WADE (to Ashley) Have you seen Bret? ASHLEY He was out at the dunes. SAM Go ahead. I've got your butt. CHRIS What? SAM Your back! I've got your back! Chris gives Sam a funny look. Maybe Gladys was right... EXT. MAIN STREET - NIGHT Sam leads her group down toward the mall. Other groups of survivors do likewise. As they get closer to the mall the groups coalesce into one large pack. We recognize Deputy Pete. Fireman Travis. The roller-skating waitress. Floyd. Leroy. Hank. Emma. And many other locals. EXT. DESERT (NEAR MALL) - NIGHT Sam and Chris are at the front of the mob with their kids. (CONTINUED) 66. CONTINUED: Suddenly a trapdoor spider pops out of the ground. It grabs Travis the fire chief, and pulls him under, quickly replacing the roof of its den. TRAVIS SCREAMS underground. MIKE Trapdoors! They're all around us! SAM How can we spot them? Mike consults his Cassiopeia. MIKE I didn't download that part! ASHLEY You dork! The group wheels at the MUFFLED SOUNDS. They see nothing. They hear another MUFFLED SCREAM, and the top of the spider's den pops up. Travis drags himself out of it. TRAVIS Help... me... please... He is dragged back underground. The group continues toward the mall entrance. Suddenly a gun-toting hunter is grabbed by a trapdoor. He goes cyclic, madly FIRING his GUN into the air as he's dragged under. More beasts rise out of their dens. Reaching for the humans. CHRIS Keep going! Chris and the others flee toward the mall. Some of them SHOOT at the spiders as they run. Leroy is grabbed by a trapdoor. Floyd tries to help but the spider plunges its fangs into poor Leroy, dragging him under. The group clears the trapdoor minefield. But some of the spiders have vacated their dens and are coming after them. 67. EXT. MALL ENTRANCE - NIGHT Chris and Sam and the kids lead just fifteen other survivors to the glass doors. The doors are locked. Wade pulls out a ring of fifty keys and fumbles with them desperately. ASHLEY There's someone inside! The group sees Norman the dope dealer janitor approaching out of the gloom. He's staring at them all curiously. NORMAN We're closed. Sam points her gun at him. Norman raise his hands in shock. NORMAN Wait! I have a prescription! It's for my glaucoma! SAM Open this goddamn door! NORMAN Yes, ma'am. Norman unlocks the door and lets the group in. INT. MALL - NIGHT The survivors hustle inside. They lock the glass doors behind them. The spiders are still coming. MIKE Get away from the doors! NORMAN Be cool, little dude. They're locked. MIKE Glass won't stop them! The spiders begin smashing through the glass doors. Chris and Sam SHOOT to keep them back. People flee into the mall. SAM The gates! Close the gates! (CONTINUED) 68. CONTINUED: Wade and Norman proceed to lower the slotted steel security gates. Only problem is: Sam and Chris are on the other side. ASHLEY Mom! MIKE Hurry up! Sam and Chris see the gate coming down. They run for it and slide underneath just as the gate comes down. A massive trapdoor slams up against the metal. But the metal holds. SAM Shut the other entrances! Norman and Chris run toward the opposite end of the mall. INT. MALL - SOUTH ENTRANCE - NIGHT Chris and Norman arrive. Spiders are SMASHING through the GLASS. Chris and Norman bring the gate down. They back away as more spiders slam against the steel. NORMAN Trick or treat. Chris and Norman head back to join the others. They find... INT. HOME AND GARDEN STORE (MALL) - NIGHT The survivors gather makeshift weapons. Floyd take a chainsaw off the wall. Norman practices swinging a heavy sledgehammer, accidentally toppling a stack of paint cans. Hank stands before a display of circular buzz saws. Chris goes to where Sam doles out the few firearms. CHRIS We're sealed up at both ends. Sam hands Chris a shotgun. He tries to get the feel of it. SAM You pump the slide to jack in a fresh round. Point at your target and squeeze. (CONTINUED) 69. CONTINUED: Chris tries it out, pumping the slide. A shell flies out the slide of the weapon and hits Wade in the head. WADE Watch it! CHRIS Like that? Sam shakes her head and takes the gun back. She pulls a machete off the wall and hands it to Chris. SAM Try not to cut yourself. INT. MALL - NIGHT The place has the feeling of a fortress under a siege. Separate groups of townspeople are stationed at the entrances to watch the spiders' every move. INT. MALL - NORTH ENTRANCE - NIGHT WADE Why didn't we see them earlier? MIKE For the last time! They can't handle the sunlight. They were waiting in the mines for the sun to go down! CHRIS Then at daybreak they'll go back inside. We can walk out the front door. MIKE We won't make it that long. ASHLEY They're gonna come in after us? MIKE They're growing very fast. They need food to sustain that kind of development. HANK Someone should go out and get help. (CONTINUED) 70. CONTINUED: EMMA You go, Sam. SAM Me? WADE You're the sheriff. SAM I don't have that many handcuffs. PETE What about the police radio? SAM You're not goin' back out there, Pete. None of us are. CHRIS Radio Shack is full of cell phones. WADE But the signal won't get out of the valley. That's why we couldn't sell any of the damn things. HARLAN My antenna... The group looks up. The moon-cast shadow of the antenna is visible on the skylights that run the length of the mall. HARLAN I could climb up to the top. I bet I could get a signal out. WADE Great idea. You should do that. CHRIS I'll cover you, Harlan. INT. MALL - NIGHT Wade leads Chris and Harlan toward an access door. Sam stands with her kids. Watching. Chris looks over his shoulder for one last look. Sam runs up to him, gives him the shotgun. (CONTINUED) 71. CONTINUED: SAM Are you sure you can handle this? CHRIS (re: pants) While I'm gone, do you think you could find me a size 32? SAM I'll do my best. (a beat) Uhh... Do you want to go out sometime? Dinner? Maybe a movie? Chris takes her in his arms and plants a kiss on her lips. Wade holds open the nearby access door. WADE Hey, loverboy... you've got a town to save. Chris and Harlan head out. Sam watches them disappear through the door and then returns to the survivors. ASHLEY You're not really going to get him bigger pants are you? SAM No way. INT. MALL - ACCESS STAIRS - NIGHT Wade leads Chris and Harlan up a tight staircase. The door at the top is identified as "Roof Access." Wade reaches the door. The others bunch up behind him. CHRIS Don't even think about locking this door. WADE I'll be right here waiting. Wade slowly opens the roof door. EXT. MALL - ROOF - NIGHT Chris and Harlan step onto the roof with their gear. No sign of any spiders. (CONTINUED) 72. CONTINUED: Wade closes the door behind them and locks it. Chris and Harlan aren't happy to hear that LOCK TURN. They sneak across the roof toward the base of the antenna. CHRIS It looks clear. Harlan starts climbing. Chris stands guard at the bottom. Neither of them sees the horde of spiders climbing up the side of the building toward the roof. INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET - MALL - NIGHT Mike collects perfume. Packing it into his pockets like grenades. Ashley is nearby, checking out the lingerie. ASHLEY I didn't know you wore cologne. MIKE I don't. It's spider repellent. Sam steps in through the door. SAM Let's stay together, guys. ASHLEY (holds up a teddy) Can I get this? SAM Move it! The kids run out to join their mom. After they go... The grill of an air vent is pushed open. A huge spitting spider pushes its way through. Dropping to the floor. Another spider follows. EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Harlan is high up on the antenna. He has a cell phone in hand. It still indicates: "NO SERVICE." He keeps climbing. EXT. MALL - ROOF - NIGHT Chris sees spiders flood onto the roof. (CONTINUED) 73. CONTINUED: CHRIS We've got company! He tries to COCK the SHOTGUN. Ejecting a shell out the side. CHRIS This always looks so easy on TV! Chris gets it figured out just in time to BLAST an attacking spider. He fades back toward the antenna. SHOOTING. EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Harlan checks the phone. HARLAN I've got a signal! He dials 911. EXT. MALL - ROOF - NIGHT Chris is surrounded by spiders. He starts climbing up the antenna. CHRIS They're coming! EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Harlan is on the phone. He hears... OPERATOR (V.O.) 911 Emergency. HARLAN I'm calling from Prosperity Nevada! We're being attacked by giant spiders! The entire town has been overrun! Chris yells up to him. CHRIS No! Don't say that! OPERATOR (V.O.) This is Emergency Services. Not dial-a-joke. (CONTINUED) 74. CONTINUED: CLICK. The LINE GOES DEAD. Chris climbs up beside him. He FIRES several BLASTS at the approaching spiders. CHRIS What happened? HARLAN They didn't believe me! CHRIS What a shock! Try again! The spiders are closing in as Harlan re-dials. OPERATOR (V.O.) 911 Emergency. HARLAN There was a massive explosion! Everybody's dead! OPERATOR (V.O.) Sir, your number has been flagged as a source of a crank call. I'm afraid I must terminate this conversation. CLICK. HARLAN She hung up on me! CHRIS Climb! Chris FIRES the SHOTGUN. The spiders are closing in. INT. MALL - NIGHT Sam gazes up at the skylight. She can see the silhouette of Chris and Harlan climbing the antenna. Pursued by spiders. SAM (sotto) Oh my God... Ashley screams in horror nearby. ASHLEY They're inside! (CONTINUED) 75. CONTINUED: Sam whirls to see Ashley pointing at several spiders coming out of Victoria's Secret. Sam runs over to fight them. WADE Over here! He faces off against more spiders coming through the Home and Garden store. EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Harlan is at the top. Chris is a bit lower. The spiders are still coming. Chris SHOOTS at them. His GUN RUNS DRY. He flips it around and butt-strokes an approaching arac. A spider fires a web at Harlan. Nails the poor guy. And drags him off the antenna. Harlan falls off the antenna, back toward the spiders. Chris reaches out and grabs him. Holding Harlan's hand. CHRIS I've got you! Harlan makes eye-contact with Chris. They're both about to be killed unless... HARLAN Defend the human race! CHRIS No! Harlan jerks away from Chris's hand. He cannonballs down into the horde of spiders. Splattering several of the beasts along with himself. Chris throws the useless shotgun at an approaching arac and climbs even higher. He pulls out his machete and begins hacking at the guide-wires that hold the antenna upright. The spiders close in. Chris slices one wire. The antenna quivers. Chris slices another wire. The antenna shakes. INT. MALL - NIGHT Deputy Pete is standing with Sam and the kids when he's jerked off his feet and hauled into the maw of an arachnid. (CONTINUED) 76. CONTINUED: SAM Ashley! Mike! She sees Mike and Ashley avoid an arac by taking refuge inside the tunnels of the jungle gym. Sam FIRES the GUNS like Annie Oakley, putting spiders down left and right, trying to reach her kids. Floyd the barber confronts a spider with his chain-saw. FLOYD Having a bad hair day?! The spider charges. Floyd slices its legs off. FLOYD How about a little off the top! He slices another arac. EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Chris dodges a spider's webline. Several more come at him. CHRIS You're going down! Chris cuts the last wire and hikes out over the skylight. The antenna keels over. Chris hangs tight as he drops toward the glass. INT. MALL - NIGHT Sam looks up to see Chris come crashing down through the skylight on the antenna. The antenna tilts in at a sixty degree angle. Chris hangs off the end. Orb weavers ride their weblines down to the floor of the mall. Mike peeks out from the top of the jungle gym. He sees a hundred spiders coming in on webs. Flooding out of the stores. The devil-spawned monsters are everywhere! MIKE Arac attack! Chris leaps from the antenna to a nearby web. He slides down it like a pole, squashing the orb weaver at the bottom. Sam runs to his side. (CONTINUED) 77. CONTINUED: SAM Did you get help?! Is anybody coming!? CHRIS We're on our own! Sam tosses him a gun and they head toward the jungle gym. The waitress roller-skates away from the spiders. She slaloms clear of several spitters. But gets tackled by a jumper. INT. MALL - JUNGLE GYM Ashley and Mike are hiding. ASHLEY I can't stay in here! Ashley starts to move out of the tube. She discovers the end has been covered with web. She pushes it. Something on the other side pushes back. Ashley scrambles back. Mike is already moving. The kids flee through the tubes to get away. ASHLEY What are they doing? MIKE (checks Cassiopeia) They're trapping us like ants in a log! Once they have all the exits blocked, they'll come in through the last one! They see a way out, head for that exit, only to find a spider coming through it. Mike tosses one of his perfume grenades at the spider, covering their retreat. Another spider comes after them through one of the tubes. Mike chucks another perfume bottle. The spider cowers. MIKE We've gotta go! Ashley finds a hole that leads to the slide. ASHLEY Here! She starts down with Mike close behind. A large spider looms at the end. Ashley tries to arrest her slide. But it's no use. At the last second Sam's boot kicks the arachnid clear. 78. INT. MALL - NIGHT Ashley and Mike pour out of the slide. Chris and Sam finish off the spider and then run with the kids. Emma runs parallel to them across the playground's sandbox. Only to be yanked under by a trapdoor spider. Hank sees this and goes after the spiders with all his tools. Getting revenge with a nail gun in each hand. HANK It's tool time! Floyd is still going crazy, slicing spiders with his chain-saw, he lets out a victorious yell until a hungry spider descends on him from above and knocks him to the floor. Chris passes a clothing store displaying Levi 501s. He stops for a moment to look at the jeans. SAM (O.S.) Chris! Chris continues on. All of the survivors meet in the middle of the mall and prepare for Custer's last stand. Spiders charge from all directions. Mike throws his perfume grenades. Sam and Chris SHOOT. Others use their make-shift weapons. Norman pulls out a joint and sparks it. Mike sees this and gets an idea. MIKE Where do you grow your weed?! NORMAN Dude, if I tell you, I have to kill you. Norman takes a hit on his reefer. MIKE They're going to kill us, you stoner! Norman sees the army of spiders closing in. NORMAN Over here! (CONTINUED) 79. CONTINUED: Norman opens an access door. Sam and the other survivors run over and crowd through it. Norman shuts the door behind them. The groups of pursuing spiders collide and begin ripping each other to pieces in a feeding frenzy. INT. MALL - ACCESS STAIRS - NIGHT Norman leads the survivors down the tight hallway. WADE Where are you taking us? NORMAN To Shangri-la. INT. MALL - BASEMENT POT ROOM - NIGHT Norman leads the survivors into a basement room full of pot paraphernalia. Hookahs. Weed growing in hydroponic units under battery powered lights. Psychedelic posters. NORMAN You aren't going to arrest me for this are you? SAM Not today. The group can hear SPIDERS BASHING at the upstairs door. WADE (to Norman) Oh great! Now you've trapped us! Chris moves to the bottom of the stairs. CHRIS We should be able to hold them off for a little while. Suddenly a loud BANGING ERUPTS on the wall behind them. ASHLEY They're coming through the wall! The group tightens up. Back to back. Ready for the end. Suddenly a human hand punches through the wall. CHRIS What the hell? (CONTINUED) 80. CONTINUED: Bret Hale rips through the drywall. Filthy but alive. Standing in a horizontal mine shaft. He sees Sam's gun pointed right at him. BRET I didn't touch her! I swear! Sam looks at Ashley. ASHLEY Don't waste your bullets. Wade embraces his son. WADE I thought you were a goner, boy! Chris steps to the opening for a closer look at the mine. CHRIS We can get out this way! ASHLEY Aren't the spiders in there? MIKE Not until daylight. The BANGING on the upper door gets more INTENSE. Norman grabs a flashlight and a bunch of battery powered grow lights from his weed farm. He passes them out to the group. Chris takes the flashlight and leads the way into the mine shaft. Bret is shocked as the others follow him. The group uses the grow lights, and flashlights. BRET You're going back in there?! Are you all crazy!? WADE Come on, Bret! BRET No way! I'm not going! Bret is alone in the room as the upper DOOR IMPLODES and spiders flood downstairs. Bret dives through the opening. 81. INT. MINE TUNNEL - NIGHT Bret runs past Sam and Chris. Sam FIRES her SHOTGUN at the first spider that enters the tunnel. Her GUN CLICKS DRY. She un-holsters her PISTOLS and FIRES. CHRIS Cover me! SAM What are you going to do?! Chris uses the machete to cleave into the tunnel's upper support beam. More spiders come into the tunnel. Sam FIRES desperately. Chris keeps on hacking. SAM Hurry! Sam's GUNS CLICK DRY. Spiders charge. Chris swings the machete hard. The ROOF COLLAPSES onto the attacking spiders. Chris and Sam leap back. Landing in a heap. Clouds of dust swirl around them. They are tangled up for an awkward beat. Their faces just inches from each other... SAM Hold that thought. They manage to disengage and move on. INT. MINE TUNNEL - NIGHT Chris and Sam move toward the bobbing lights of the few remaining survivors. WADE We're trapped again! CHRIS At least they can't follow us. SAM Which way do we go? CHRIS I think we're in one of the old tunnels. SAM Can you get us out of here? CHRIS Don't worry, Sam. Chris takes point with the others following nervously. 82. INT. MINES - JUNCTION - NIGHT A boarded-up shaft entrance. Suddenly the WOOD SPLINTERS. Chris and the others bash through. They file into a slightly more open area with two branching tunnels. The place is stacked from floor to ceiling with barrels of toxic waste. CHRIS I don't believe it... Mike recognizes the BioHazard warning label he saw on the barrel in the drainage ditch. MIKE I've seen one of these before! ASHLEY What are they? CHRIS Toxic waste. SAM Where did you see it, Mike? MIKE The creek where Joshua gets his spider food. There was one in the water. Chris starts toward the sloping tunnel. CHRIS We can get out this way! BRET No, we can't. (turns to Wade) Isn't that tunnel blocked off, Dad? Chris and the others look at Wade. WADE Uh... yeah... he's right. We can't get out that way. CHRIS You did this? WADE I knew you'd never sell... We're under my property so... (CONTINUED) 83. CONTINUED: SAM You put all of us at risk. WADE I didn't have a choice! I was broke! They gave me a hundred grand! Sam punches him. Knocking Wade to the ground. SAM I think our lives are worth a little more than that. CHRIS We're wasting time. Chris heads toward the only exit available. The others follow. Wade staggers to his feet. Stumbling after them. INT. MINE TUNNEL - NIGHT Chris leads the group down a tunnel. They come across bits of vintage mining gear. A string of old light bulbs runs along the roof into both tunnels. CHRIS One end of these lights should be connected to a generator. That'll be near the entrance. They continue down the tunnel. Entering... INT. MINES - TARANTULA DEN - NIGHT A large cavern. Animal carcasses litter the ground. Some human remains. Dead pets. Dead ostriches. WADE My birds! You see, Sam? I wasn't lying! That's what I can put on the insurance form... giant spiders! ASHLEY Ewww... what's that smell? The others are reacting strongly. (CONTINUED) 84. CONTINUED: CHRIS Methane. This cavern is full of gas. ASHLEY What does that mean? CHRIS One spark and we're all dead. Norman swallows his glowing joint. Chris shines his flashlight on a pile of mummy bundles. MIKE That's what I was talking about, Chris. Presents from the male tarantula to the female. BRET So the female's around here? Bret looks around nervously. The group moves closer. They sine their lights on a horrifying sight. Joshua's corpse is a deflated flesh balloon. Yellowed teeth sneer from a shattered skull. He's completely desiccated. Every ounce of liquid drained away. Mike hides his eyes. Ashley comforts him. SAM That one just moved! Chris runs over and slices it open with his machete. The web comes away to reveal a human hand. CHRIS There's somebody in here! Chris cuts away more web as the other survivors help. They finally reveal Gladys. CHRIS Gladys! The woman's body begins to spasm. CHRIS Gladys, please... (to the others) Can anybody help her?! (CONTINUED) 85. CONTINUED: Suddenly Ashley pushes her way forward. ASHLEY Her breathing is shallow. She's going into arrest. Ashley proceeds with CPR. Just like she saw on TV. Suddenly Gladys snaps out of it. Gasping for air. CHRIS It's okay. It's okay. Gladys starts to get a grip. Trying to focus on Chris. From this angle Chris look like he has a golden halo. GLADYS Am I... dead? CHRIS You're okay. GLADYS I'm not in heaven? CHRIS No... GLADYS Then what's with all the gold? Gladys points behind Chris's head to the wall of the cavern. The group turns their lights on it. The reflection is dazzling. Veins of gold criss-cross the cavern walls. WADE Gold! Gold! Look! It's everywhere! SAM Is it real? Chris checks it out. CHRIS Jesus... it's the mother lode... He was right. My dad was right... Chris helps Gladys to her feet. They share an emotional look of recognition. GLADYS So were you. (CONTINUED) 86. CONTINUED: Wade chips away at the gold. WADE Get as much as you can! Bret looks at Ashley. BRET Nice work, Doc. Ashley acknowledges him. Bret chips gold with Wade. Sam puts her hand on Ashley's shoulder. SAM You saved my life. Ashley smiles. Gladys leans over to Norman. GLADYS Have you got a smoke, kid? NORMAN The man says this cavern is full of highly flammable methane gas. I smoke to get high, not to die. SAM Spiders! The group sees a cluster of normal-sized tarantulas scuttling out of the shadows. NORMAN What's the big deal? Norman steps on the closest one, grinding it under his boot. He stomps around, crushing as many as he can. Mike watches this curiously. Taking a look at one of the squashed bodies. MIKE I think you should stop. NORMAN Why? MIKE They don't have hair. They aren't fully grown tarantulas. Chris and Sam look over. (CONTINUED) 87. CONTINUED: MIKE They're giant babies! Norman freezes. He hears SOMETHING MOVING around in the dark. And then a spine chilling... GROWL. Chris reacts to the noise. He can guess what's coming... The FEMALE TARANTULA steps out of the shadows. Consuela has grown to be as big as a Volkswagen MicroBus. By far the largest spider we've seen yet. Covered in hair. Massive eyes. Her two fangs are the size of machetes. Mike's eyes go wide at the sight of his old nemesis. MIKE Consuela. CHRIS Consuela? The fur on Consuela's back seems to undulate. There is something weird there. A lot of weird things. In fact... her entire back is littered with hundreds of baby tarantulas. As Consuela advances, she flicks several dart-sized quills off her belly right into Norman. A dark stain spreads across the drug dealer's shirt. NORMAN Bummer... Consuela pierces Norman with her fangs, holding him tight. Babies flood of her back and onto the doper, chewing him to pieces like ravenous piranhas. CHRIS Go! The group flees toward the opposite end of the cavern. A male tarantula drops down to block their escape. Sam BLOWS it away. Wade and Bret are still chipping away bits of gold. CHRIS Leave it! WADE So you can keep it all!? Hell no! Wade gets a nugget off the wall. He only has a nanosecond to admire it before Consuela suddenly looms behind him. (CONTINUED) 88. CONTINUED: BRET Dad! Bret reaches out toward his father. Wade reaches for him. Consuela's fangs suddenly protrude from Wade's chest and he's hauled backward. The tarantula flings Wade into the cave. CHRIS Bret, come on! Bret runs after the others. But he sees Consuela firing more quills at the group. Directly at Ashley. Bret leaps into harm's way. He's turned into a pin cushion. ASHLEY Bret! Ashley goes to his side. BRET I'm sorry I... Bret dies. Sam drags Ashley away from him. INT. MINES - NIGHT The survivors flee along the tunnel. Chris jumps up to rip down the string of light bulbs from the ceiling. SAM We have to get out! CHRIS This is our chance to kill them all. Chris smashes the bulb at the end of the strand. CHRIS When the power comes on, the bulb will ignite the methane and torch them! SAM Where did you get an idea like that!? Chris looks at Gladys. GLADYS I blew up the kitchen. (CONTINUED) 89. CONTINUED: CHRIS Keep going up the tunnel. There should be a generator at the exit. Start it up and await for my signal to throw the switch. SAM And the toxic waste... CHRIS Will be buried under tons of rock! Go! SAM What about you? CHRIS I need to set the fuse as close to the spiders as I can. That should give us time to get clear. Sam and Chris share a brief beat. And then Chris pulls down the lights, dragging them back toward the tarantula's den. SAM He has a cute butt. Don't you think? GLADYS U.S.D.A. choice. INT. MINES - TARANTULA DEN - NIGHT Chris comes through with his light bulb fuse. Consuela and her babies are feasting on the bodies of Bret and Wade Hale. Chris finds a vent in the ground. He sprinkles dust over it to identify a faint draft. CHRIS Bingo. He positions the shattered light bulb beside this gas jet. INT. MINE TUNNELS - NIGHT Mike helps Gladys up the tunnel. Sam and Ashley are behind. Suddenly a male tarantula steps out of the shadows, separating the groups. (CONTINUED) 90. CONTINUED: MIKE Mom! SAM Keep going! Sam and Ashley flee down another tunnel. INT. MINES - TARANTULA DEN - NIGHT Chris finishes preparing the booby trap. He gets up to leave. Only to find Consuela coming toward him. CHRIS I hate spiders. Chris runs out of the cavern. INT. MINE TUNNEL - NIGHT Chris bails out of the cavern and starts running. INT. MINE TUNNELS - NIGHT Sam and Ashley flee the male tarantula. Sam stumbles over something on the ground. It's Bret Hale's lost motorcycle. Ashley looks back and sees the tarantula coming after them. ASHLEY Hurry! Sam lifts the MOTORCYCLE upright and climbs on. She STARTS it and REVS the ENGINE. Ashley leaps aboard. Sam accelerates along the shaft, away from the spider. The bike's headlight illuminates their path. The male tarantula scurries after the bike. Sam rides the motorcycle along the shaft. Ashley hangs on tight. They've put some distance between themselves and the male tarantula. A dead-end looms before them. Ashley screams as her mom stops on a dime and does a 180. Sam rides back the way they came, heading straight toward the male tarantula. Ashley looks over her mother's shoulder at the giant spider coming in the opposite direction. ASHLEY Oh shit. (CONTINUED) 91. CONTINUED: Sam lifts the bike into a wheelie as the tarantula nears. SAM Banzai! With perfect timing, she brings the front wheel down hard onto the tarantula's back. Crunch! The spider is roadkill. Sam steers them down another tunnel. EXT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAWN Mike and Gladys gather at a generator just shy of the tunnel exit. Mike tries to start the generator. It won't catch. MIKE It needs gas! GLADYS There's a ranch! Gladys heads over toward Wade's ranch. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN Chris runs along the tunnel. Consuela charges after him, Chris reaches up, smashing more light bulbs as he runs. EXT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAWN Mike is at the generator as Sam and Ashley ride up on the motorcycle. MIKE It needs gas! Sam tips over the motorcycle, trying to get gas out of the tank. It's clear this is not going to work. ASHLEY Hurry! INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN Chris runs. Smashing light bulbs. Consuela close behind. CHRIS Start the generator! 92. EXT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAWN MIKE He's coming! ASHLEY Hurry, Mom! Sam has dumped some fuel into the generator. She tries to start it. It won't turn over. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN Chris ducks as Consuela fires quills at him. He keeps going. INT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - DAWN Sam sees Chris at the bottom of the tunnel. She tries to start the generator again but it refuses to cooperate. CHRIS Throw the switch! SAM I don't have any power! ASHLEY Yo, Mom! Sam turns as Ashley throws her the STUN GUN. Sam catches it and brings it down to the light bulb cable... ZAPPING it. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN As Chris runs, the light bulbs illuminate sequentially, traveling past him into the cavern. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN A broken light bulb sparks. The filament ignites the gas-filled tunnel. A ball of flame spreads throughout the mines. INT. MINES - TARANTULA DEN - DAWN A huge column of flame blasts into the chamber. All the gold is illuminated. Consuela's babies are burned like popcorn. 93. EXT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAY Sam looks back to see Chris running toward her. Consuela is on his heels. The glow of a fireball is right behind them. SAM Come on! Chris looks over his shoulder at Consuela and the flames. SAM Chris! Chris makes it to Sam just ahead of the conflagration. EXT. DESERT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAY Sam and Chris dive out of the mine opening. A pillar of flame shoots out behind them. Ashley and Mike are nearby. The town is visible just a mile away. EXT. TOWN - DAY The spiders retreat from daylight. Scuttling back into the buildings. Heading down into the mine shafts. INT. VARIOUS MINE TUNNELS - DAY The chain reaction spreads through the mines. Jets of flame blast up tunnels. Torching any unlucky spiders looking for a home. Rupturing the very earth around them. EXT. DESERT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAY The EARTH BEGINS TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY. ASHLEY Earthquake! CHRIS No! It's a chain reaction! The whole valley is going to blow! MIKE We'll never get out in time! Gladys drives up in Wade's humvee. Cigar in mouth. (CONTINUED) 94. CONTINUED: GLADYS Let's get the fuck out of here! The survivors pile into the truck as the town begins to BLOW UP in the distance. Chris is just about to climb aboard when... A webline shoots out of the nearby mine shaft. Consuela lives! The spider is charred and bloody. But she's primed for revenge. Chris is yanked off his feet and hauled toward her. He fumbles for his machete and hacks at the webline. Cutting himself free just before getting impaled on Consuela's fangs. Consuela knocks away Chris's machete and lunges down at him. Chris kicks her belly with both his feet. Consuela begins to shudder. Jagged cracks appear in her charred carapace. Chris kicks and tears at the failing armor. He thinks he's harming the tarantula, but he's actually helping it! Mike and the others watch from the humvee. MIKE Oh no... she's molting! Consuela's blistered shell cracks as she shrugs the damaged skin away from her body. Chris is amazed to see the spider has grown a full size larger and become totally rejuvenated! Consuela comes after Chris. He defends himself with the machete. Shining steel makes contact with the dripping fangs. Once again Consuela punts away the machete. She prepares the death blow. It looks like curtains for Chris. MIKE Consuela! No! Bad! Bad Consuela! The massive spider stops in shock. Chris looks back to see Mike has returned. TARANTULA POV The familiar multi-perspective spider vision. The tarantula seems to recognize Mike. 95. BACK TO MIKE He throws his Cassiopeia PDA at the spider's face... Chris uses this moment of confusion to grab his machete and drive it deep into the spider's unprotected abdomen... The tarantula screams. Chris leaps up and runs, scooping up Mike. They dive into the back of the humvee. Consuela tries to follow but is mortally wounded. She collapses in the dust. The TOWN EXPLODES in the b.g. The earth itself begins to collapse. INT. HUMVEE - DRIVING ACROSS DESERT - DAY Gladys accelerates as the town sinks in the distance. BUILDINGS EXPLODE. Jets of flame burst upward. The mall is sucked into the widening pit of collapsing earth. The humvee is just a cart length ahead of a wave of crumbling desert. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The humvee reaches open road. The survivors watch out the back as Prosperity disappears into a massive sinkhole. EXT. HIGHWAY/INT. HUMVEE - MOVING - DAY The group sits in a long beat of abject shock. And then Chris looks down to see his tight pants have finally ripped. CHRIS I really need some pants that fit. The group smiles. Happy to be alive. MIKE Look out! Everyone looks to the road ahead. A familiar bunny rabbit hops across the highway. Gladys HONKS and swerves to avoid it. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The bunny gets clear as the humvee drives away toward safety. (CONTINUED) 96. CONTINUED: The rabbit continues its trek for a moment, and then is grabbed by a large trap-door spider. FADE OUT. THE END?
Election - by Alexander Payne andJim Taylor ELECTION by Alexander Payne & JIM Taylor Third Draft July 22,1997 Based on the novels by Tom Perotta EXT. MILLARD HIGH -- DAWN The school stretches out before us, slumbering in the overcast morning air. Along the front sidewalk, a lone JANITOR trundles a garbage bin filled with overstuffed hefty bags. A weathered FORD ESCORT pulls into the empty PARKING LOT and comes to a stop near the athletic field. A TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE - TRACY (VO) None of this would have happened if Mr. McAllister hadn't meddled the way he did. He should have just accepted things as they are instead of trying to interfere with destiny. You see, you can't interfere with destiny. That's why it's destiny. And if you try to interfere, the same thing's going to happen anyway, and you'll just suffer. JIM MCALLISTER, a teacher in his mid to late-thirties, emerges from the car in running clothes and carrying a briefcase, gym bag, and coffee mug. On his way to the field, he crosses paths with the janitor. JIM Morning, Lowell Lowell nods, hoists a bag and tosses it into a dumpster. EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD -- DAWN JIM CIRCLES THE TRACK, sweating and panting. ON THE GROUND JIM does sit ups JIM Twenty-one... twenty-two. He collapses onto his back. His head rolls to one side, and he glances past the fence at -- THE PARKING LOT Where a second CAR is just arriving. JIM watches as TRACY FLICK, a junior, and her MOTHER get out. The mother helps remove a CARD TABLE and a big plastic sack from the trunk before Tracy heads toward the school. MOTHER (distant) Good luck! JIM turns his gaze toward the sky, closes his eyes, sighs. INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM -- DAY Naked in the showers, JIM pumps liquid soap from the wall- mounted metal dispenser. INT. HILLARD HALL DAY THE LEGS OF A CARD TABLE - as Tracy spreads them open and locks them into place. STICKS OF GUM from a Plen-T-Pack are emptied into a FISHBOWL- SCOTCH TAPE is wrapped around the end of a pen to attach a piece of string INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM DAY AT THE MIRROR JIM adjusts the knot of his tie, notices a little shaving cream in his ear. INT. MILLARD HALL DAY FOUR CLIPBOARDS with pens and lined sheets of paper are being placed in a row like little soldiers. The top of every sheet reads "Tracy Flick for President: Official Nomination Signatures." INT. FACULTY LOUNGE -- MORNING AT THE REFRIGERATOR JIM tries to place his lunch inside, but the shelves are too crammed with old take-out containers. He opens one and smells it. Disgusted, he drags a garbage can over and begins throwing things away. Lowell appears in the doorway wheeling his squeaky maintenance cart and watches JIM conduct his purge as A CHINESE FOOD BOX misses the can and rolls on the floor. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY Tracy is seated behind her card table strategically placed near the school's main entrance. A sign taped to the wall behind her reads, TRACY FOR PREZ. SIGN UP FOR TOMORROW, TODAY! She checks her watch, readies herself. JIM walks around the corner whistling vaguely. TRACY Good morning, Mr. McAllister. JIM Not wasting any time, are you, Tracy? TRACY (chirping) You know what they say about the early bird. JIM Yes, I do. An awkward moment passes between them. JIM Well, good luck there, Tracy TRACY Thanks, Mr. M. AS JIM turns and walks away, Tracy watches him. He stops and picks up some litter, tosses it in a nearby garbage can. TRACY (VO) No matter what he says, Mr. McAllister had it out for me from the start. Oh sure, he was all smiles and good wishes and everything, but underneath he was just as unfair and petty as anybody else. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY Alone in his room, JIM studies the Omaha World-Herald TRACY (VO CONT'D) He'll probably tell you how committed he was to teaching and democracy and integrity and all. Don't be fooled. After laying the paper down to circle an article, JIM leans back in his chair and momentarily loses himself in thought. JIM (VO) It's hard to remember how the whole thing started, the whole election mess. What I do remember is that I loved my job. I was a teacher, an educator, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Suddenly a VOICE -- VOICE (OS) Hey, Mr. M. Mr. M.! JIM glances OUT THE WINDOW and sees a kid -- PAUL METZLER -- pointing at him. Paul walks with a LIMP. Behind him, other STUDENTS approach the school. PAUL Stop daydreaming! Get back to work! JIM enjoys the affectionate joshing and gives the kid a wave. He returns to his newspaper, a contented man. JIM (VO) The students knew it wasn't just a job for me. EXT. MILARD HIGH FOOTBALL STADIUM -- NIGHT JIM sits in the bleachers, clapping his hands over his head. JIM C'mon, wolverines! Defense! Let's hold 'em back! JIM (VO) I got involved. And I cared. INT. MILLARD GYM DAY AT A PEP RALLY - JIM is dressed as a WESTERN VILLAIN, and his black hat reads "Lincoln South." With a menacing grimace he approaches a group of FOOTBALL PLAYERS at a poker table. JIM (VO CONT'D) And I think I made a difference. A CORNER OF THE SCHOOL DAY JIM has a comforting hand of the shoulder of a CRYING GIRL JIM (VO CONT'D) I knew I touched the students' lives during their difficult young adult years, and I took that responsibility seriously. INT. AUDITORIUM -- NIGHT JIM trots up the stairs to receive a plaque. He beams. JIM (VO CONT'D) In the twelve years I taught U.S. History, Civics and current Events at Millard, I was voted Teacher of the Year three times - a school record. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY Mr. McAllister reads aloud from the newspaper as he paces in front of his class of high school juniors, Tracy Flick among them. The seats are arranged in a SEMI-CIRCLE. JIM (VO CONT'D) Standing in front of a room full of young people, trying to make them think that's how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, JIM slaps the newspaper for emphasis and addresses the class JIM So would this be an ethical situation or a moral situation? What's the difference between ethics and morals, anyway? Tracy shoots her hand into the air. JIM notices but keeps looking around. JIM (CONT'D) Anybody Other hands rise tentatively JIM (CONT'D) Derek DEREK Uh, ethics is like when you, uh, do what society tells you is right and morals are like, uh... JIM You're on the right track, who can help him out? DEREK ..morals are when... Tracy's hand goes higher. JIM Michelle? MICHELLE Morals are like lessons, you know, like the moral of a story; it's what you learn from a story or a fable or something. . . JIM Or a life experience. Good. And ethics? MICHELLE That's more like, urn... Ethics is how you use the morals... that you learn from a story? JIM weighs the answer, tries to be encouraging. JIM Okay. But we're still missing something key here. What are we missing? TRACY (hand still raised) I know. JIM (finally) Tracy. TRACY Ethics are... FREEZE FRAME on Tracy, her hand lowering, her mouth agape. JIM (VO) Tracy Flick. Tracy Flick. I've never met anyone quite like Tracy Flick. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM -- DAY -- ONE YEAR PREVIOUS JIM sits to one side, monitoring the student council MEETING about to convene. A younger Tracy enters briskly and, unlike her casual teen comrades, has made an attempt to dress for success. She takes a seat right up front and opens her backpack. After preparing her notepad and pen, Tracy puts a MICROCASSETTE RECORDER on the table in front of her and pushes RECORD. JIM (VO CONT'D) She first showed up in my life as a freshman delegate in student council. I'd seen a lot of ambitious students come and go over the years, but I could tell right away Tracy Flick was different. JIM observes Tracy, trying to size her up. ON TRACY -- putting all her little things in order, finally folding her hands to wait. JIM (VO CONT'D) It wasn't long before everyone knew who Tracy Flick was. She made sure of that. Her drive was astonishing. Even scary. A FAST-PACED MONTAGE BEGINS UNDER TRACY'S VOICE-OVER: INSERT HILLARD HIGH YEARBOOK It fans open to the INDEX. PAN DOWN to Tracy's name followed by countless page references TRACY (VO CONT'D) Some people say I'm an overachiever, but I think they're just jealous. A page number turns BOLD, and the other numbers drop away Suddenly we are on that page, and we PAN to a headline: "Spanish Club says Oh La!" PAN to the group shot and ZOOM in on Tracy smiling in a big SOMBRERO. TRACY (VO CONT'D) My Mom always tells me I'm different -- you know, special. And if you look at all the things I've accomplished so far, I think you'd have to agree. We see Tracy on other pages too: "Yearbook Staff goes for it!" "Junior Achievers put on the dog!" "Student Council meets the challenge;" Oklahoma's a hit! TRACY (VO CONT'D) Here I am in Oklahoma. The STILL of Tracy in Oklahoma suddenly COMES TO LIFE. INT. MILLARD HIGH AUDITORIUM NIGHT On stage, Tracy wears a cowgirl outfit and hams it up with exaggerated gestures. TRACY (off-key) I'm just a girl who can't say no... TV INSERT/INT. CAFETERIA DAY It's the closed-circuit school NEWS BROADCAST. Tracy is delivering a stand-up report from the crowded cafeteria. Her dress and makeup are an obvious if lame emulation of a professional newswoman. TRACY (VO) And here I am on KMHS, our student-run TV station. TRACY (ON TV) ..that's why Principal Hendricks made the controversial announcement that the littering must stop. Tracy Flick reporting. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL MEETING ROOM -- AFTERNOON A Student Council meeting is underway led by the president, LARRY FOUCH. A girl, ASHLEY, is speaking. JIM observes from the side. TRACY (VO) But it was in SGA, the Student Government Association, where I made my biggest mark. I never missed a meeting, and I volunteered for every committee as long as I could lead it. Before Ashley can finish, Tracy STANDS UP TRACY I agree with Ashley. We should rent the barrels at least a day beforehand. What happened last time was a travesty, I mean, we were -- LARRY FOUCH (trying to quiet her) Yeah, no, I know, Tracy. That's why we're -- Look, can we just take a vote on this? INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY BACK TO TRACY still frozen mid-sentence, waiting to finish her answer. JIM (VO) Now at the end of her junior year, Tracy was poised to win the presidency of the student body. And so far she was running unopposed. TRACY COMES BACK TO LIFE TRACY ...the rules of conduct determined by a culture at a... SHE FREEZES AGAIN JIM (VO) Oh. There's one more thing about Tracy I think you should know. INT. MILLARD STAFF-ROOM -- DAY CLOSE ON DAVE NOVOTNY, another teacher in his mid-thirties DAVE Her pussy gets so wet you can't believe it. WIDE - Dave is leaning across his desk to speak with JIM at an adjacent work area. They eat sack lunches. JIM (VO) A few months before the election, she'd had an affair with my best friend Dave Novotny. JIM Don't tell me that. I don't want to know that. DAVE She's incredible. Everything just gets soaked. INT. JIM'S BASEMENT DAY Dun-dun-DUN... Dun-dun-DUN JIM and Dave are playing the opening notes of "Foxy Lady" through cheap, distorting amps. JIM plays bass. Dave plays guitar and sings into a microphone. They're bad. As in not good. The basement is typical of a Midwest middle-class young couple -- half storage and laundry, half makeshift roc-room. JIM (VO) Dave came to Millard the year after I did, and we hit it off right away. We backed each other up in teachers' meetings and shared an interest in 60's music and micro-breweries. CLOSE ON DAVE really getting into it, playing to an unseen stadium. Behind him JIM is very careful with his chords. JIM (VO CONT'D) You could tell Dave was one of those guys who taught because they never wanted to leave high school in the first place, and that could get a little irritating sometimes, but basically he was a real good guy. DAVE (singing) Foxy. . . Foxy. . . You know you're a cute little heartbreaker... Foxy... You know you're a sweet little love maker... CAMERA DRIFTS toward the stairs leading up. INT. JIM'S KITCHEN CAMERA DRIFTS from the open basement stairway door and toward DIANE MCALLISTER and SHERRY NOVOTNY seated at the kitchen table. They are fussing over little six-month-old DARRYL NOVOTNY in his highchair. JIM (VO) Our wives became best friends too. And when Dave and Sherry's son Darryl was born, they asked us to be godparents. At a particularly grating note from downstairs, Diane gets up and closes the basement door. INT. GEOMETRY CLASS AN ISOSCELES TRIANGLE is being drawn on the blackboard and bisected. PULL OUT to reveal Dave explaining. The class is taking notes, and we zero in on a younger Tracy. TRACY (VO CONT'D) YOU probably think the worst - that Mr. Novotny was just taking advantage of one of his students, but it wasn't like that at all. Our relationship was based on mutual respect and admiration. I mean, during my sophomore year in geometry it was strictly professional between us -- I mean, nothing. EXT. GODFATHER'S PIZZA -- NIGHT The parking lot, the neon lights, the promise of good times. TRACY (VO CONT'D) It wasn't until junior year when we worked together on the yearbook that things got serious. INT. GODFATHER'S PIZZA -- NIGHT Dave and Tracy are at a booth along with six other students. TWO KIDS DISSOLVE OUT OF FRAME, and the others shift positions. Others continue to disappear in the same way, until only Dave and Tracy remain. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One night he took us editors out to celebrate after a deadline. Eventually Dave and I were left alone and we got to talking - not like teacher and student, but like two adults. DAVE You know, Tracy... I don't know how to say this, but... Dave's finger traces the rim of his frosty root beer mug. TRACY what? DAVE Well, I notice you don't seem to have any close friends at Millard. You seem to be kind of a loner. TRACY No, I'm not. I'm just really busy. DAVE I know. I know its not by choice. I just mean, well, being the kind of person you are, it must be really difficult to find someone you can talk to. TRACY What do you mean? What kind of person am I? DAVE What kind of person? Dave looks directly into her eyes. DAVE (CONT'D) Tracy, I've been watching you for going on two years now, and I think you are one of the most talented, hard-working, sensitive, attractive, brilliant students -- no, human beings -- I have ever met. I mean, you're the real thing. Special. TRACY (embarrassed, low) Thank you. DAVE And I know sometimes people like you have to pay a price for their greatness, and that price is loneliness. Tracy nods in quiet recognition. DAVE (CONT'D) I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But it seems like you might need a friend. INT. MILLARD YEARBOOK OFFICE -- DAY A DOOR with cloudy glass and a stenciled sign: YEARBOOK OFFICE. DISSOLVE through the door and TRAVEL through an empty room to discover another door with a sign that reads DARKROOM. TRACY (VO) Since I grew up without a dad, you might assume psychologically I was looking for a father figure. DISSOLVE through the darkroom door to DAVE AND TRACY bathed in red light. Tracy is sitting on Dave's lap as they make out hungrily. TRACY (VO CONT'D) But that had nothing to do with it at all. It was just that Dave was so strong and made me feel so safe and protected. INT. DAVE'S CAR -- DAY Dave drives. Tracy sits in the passenger seat. TRACY (VO CONT'D) It was the first time somebody ever saw the real me, the me that nobody else knows. DAVE (looking around) Here, get down. EXT. NOVOTKY HOUSE - DAY Dave wheels his car into the open garage. The automatic door closes behind him. INT. NOVOTHY LIVIMG ROOM Dave stands up from his squat at the STEREO, and the sexy sounds of Sade set the mood. Tracy is seated awkwardly at one end of the sofa, a Diet Dr. Pepper in one hand. Dave walks slowly toward her, a sexy, knowing look in his eye. The music is sexy. Tracy is sexy. He's sexy. Keeping his eyes locked on Tracy's, he takes the pop can from her hand and takes a sip himself. Sexy. INT. NOVOTHY STAIRCASE DAY Dave and Tracy walk up the stairs and down the hall. Dave enters the bedroom first, while Tracy pauses in the hall. His arm reaches out and pulls her inside. INT. NOVOTNY BEDROOM DAY IN QUICK TIGHT CUTS we see Dave and Tracy DISROBING Tracy's head and naked shoulders lay themselves on Dave's pillow. She looks toward the foot of the bed at -- DAVE, unable to believe his eyes. He looks at naked Tracy up and down, up and down, his breath quickening. Sade wafts up the stairs. DAVE Look at you. He descends out of frame. TRACY (VO) When I think back on my relationship with Mr. Novotny, what I miss most. is our talks. INT. DAVE'S BASEMENT DAY JIM is riveted by Dave's story; he is both horrified and titillated JIM You did it at your house? Your own house? DAVE Look, Jim... Okay. I know it all seems crazy, and maybe it did start out, you know, for the... for the sex and the danger. But now it's different. Jim, what I'm trying to tell you is that Tracy and I are totally, totally in love. JIM In love? DAVE Yeah, it's serious. I mean she inspires me in ways Sherry never has. She even wants to read my novel. JIM But you haven't written your novel. DAVE That's the whole point. It's all in my head; it's right here. I just got to get it out there. Tracy wants me to write it so she can read it. It's beautiful. JIM Dave, I'm just saying this as your friend. What you're doing is really, really wrong, and you've got to stop. Dave draws a heavy sigh and buries his head in his hands perhaps JIM has reached him. Perhaps not. DAVE You're not just jealous, are you? I mean, we both used to talk about her JIM (exploding) That was just talk! Fantasy talk! What are you, nuts? We talk about girls all the time, but it doesn't mean anything. I would never. . . I mean, I take very seriously our strict moral code. The line you've crossed is... it's illegal and it's immoral. DAVE I don't need a lecture on ethics, Jim, okay? I know what -- JIM I'm not talking about ethics. I'm talking about morals. CLICK. SQUEAK. STEP STEP STEP. SHERRY (OS) Peek-a-boo! Sherry comes down the basement stairs with Darryl in her arms. DAVE (to Jim, whispering) Look, I appreciate your concern. I really do. But like I said, I got it under control. As Sherry approaches them, Dave rises to take Darryl, the perfect father: hug, tickle, kiss. JIM (VO) I guess I don't have to tell you how all this turned out. INT. PRINCIPAL HENDRICK'S OFFICE DAY CLOSE ON DAVE slumped in a chair. He is lost in agony: all he can do is look down and draw short, gasping breaths. Principal Walt Hendricks is at his desk, examining a little BOOKLET. JIM sits on the vinyl sofa. CLOSE ON -- the small makeshift booklet whose cover reads, "There's a place for us" in overdone fancy cursive. THE SECOND PAGE shows a cutout from a travel magazine of a swanky BEACHFRONT HOTEL. One room has been circled with the words "you and me" written next to it. Below: "A time and place for us." We HEAR Walt clearing his throat, swallowing. THE THIRD PAGE has glued to it a POSTCARD showing a couple hand-in- hand on the beach at sunset and reading, "Maui is for lovers." Below: Take my hand and we'll soon be there. THE LAST PAGE has a cutout of a bouquet of flowers. It reads, "Tracy, See you in paradise? Love, your 'teacher' David. P.S. I really, really need you now." The booklet is lowered. DAVE Tracy's Mom -- she doesn't understand. WALT No, I'd say she doesn't. I don't think I've ever seen a mother quite so upset. We're all very, very lucky she doesn't want this public. Dave looks at JIM for help. JIM looks away. Dave's breaths grow more convulsive. Finally - DAVE But we're in love WALT Dave. Dave, look at me Dave looks slowly up. WALT I want you to get some help. DAVE & SHERRY'S LIVING ROOM NIGHT Sherry cradles Darryl while Dave grovels at her feet. JIM (VO) After Dave got fired, Sherry kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. SHERRY Your novel? Are you fucking kidding me? Dave follows Sherry as she takes the baby into their bedroom and slams the door in Dave's face. Dave pounds on the door, eventually sinking to his knees and crying. DAVE Sherry Sherry Sheerrry. ... JIM (VO) He ended up moving back to Milwaukee to live with his parents. I haven't heard from him in a long time. Poor guy. I warned him. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY Tracy, still frozen, THAWS OUT. Maybe now she can finish TRACY ...certain time in history and RINGGGGG Maybe not. At the bell, students instantly shut their textbooks and collect their things. JIM Okay. We'll pick up here next time Tracy is miffed as she puts her things away: slam, stuff, zip. She slings her backpack over her shoulder and heads toward the door. She looks back at -- MR. MCALLISTER who himself now FREEZES as he talks to a couple of students TRACY (VO) Now that I have more life experience, I feel sorry for Mr. McAllister. CLOSE-UP FROZEN DETAILS - of Jim's appearance - his slightly frayed collar and bad tie; the heels of his old docksiders worn down at irritating angles; the faded impression his too-big wallet has made in his khakis; his growing bald spot; his ear hairs. TRACY (VO) I mean, anyone who's stuck in the same little room saying the exact same things year after year for his whole life, wearing the same stupid clothes, while his students go on to good colleges and move to big cities and do great things and make loads of money has got to be at least a little jealous. It's like my room says - the weak always try to sabotage the strong. Tracy turns and walks out the door. INT. TRACY'S HOUSE -- DAY CLOSE ON A SMILING LITTLE TRACY - in a Sears-style portrait. PAN across a wall full of other framed photos of Tracy accepting awards, dancing in a recital, poised to dive at a swim meet. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One thing that's important to know about me is that I'm an only child. So my Mom is really devoted to me, and I love her so much. She wants me to do all the things she wanted to do in life but couldn't. AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE Tracy's mother, BARBARA FLICK, finishes a letter and puts it in an envelope. TRACY (VO CONT'D) See, Mom used to be a stewardess for Northwest and now works as a para-legal. She likes to write letters to successful women like Janet Reno and Elizabeth Dole and ask them how they got to be where they are and what advice do they have for me, Tracy, her daughter. CLOSE ON BARBARA'S TONGUE as the envelope flap slides across it. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY A politician's SMILE plastered to her face, Tracy is at her card table vigorously gathering signatures. TRACY (VO CONT'D) Nine times out of ten they say you have to hold on to your dreams no matter what. The pressures women face mean you have to work twice as hard, and you can't let anything or anyone stand in your way. A shabbily dressed BURNOUT -- DOUG SCHENKEN -- walks past and grabs a huge handful of gum. TRACY One per person! Put those back I John just keeps on walking away, and his two BUDDIES take great delight in his nimble-witted, quick retort. DOUG SCHENKEN Eat me INT. HILLARD LIBRARY -- DAY While other students sit in groups around her, Tracy sits apart at her own table, concentrated and alone. She is writing little numbers by her signatures. TRACY Ninety-seven.. .ninety-eight. TRACY (VO) But you know, winning isn't everything. If you play fair and follow all the rules thoroughly, you'll always come out ahead. Win or lose, ethical conduct is the most important thing. Just ask Mr. McAllister. EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY CLOSE ON TRACY'S EXCITED FACE TRACY Mr. McAllister? Mr. McAllister! Wait up I Jim, his tie loose and his sleeves rolled up, looks up from unlocking his car. Tracy runs toward him holding out a TERM PAPER FOLDER. TRACY I got all my signatures. One hundred and fifty-eight -- way more than I need! JIM Hey, that's super TRACY Here they are. JIM You can put those in my box. I'll look at them tomorrow. TRACY Could you approve them now? I'd like to kick off my campaign right away, you know, in the morning. JIM (resigned) Right He cursorily flips through the bound pages and offers them back to Tracy. JIM (CONT'D) Looks good to me. TRACY Aren't you supposed to keep them? JIM NO, that's fine TRACY I thought you were supposed to keep them. JIM Okay, fine. Sure JIM throws his briefcase and Tracy's folder into the backseat. TRACY Thanks for everything. JIM You bet. Tracy stays put as JIM climbs in, shuts the door and fastens his seat belt. TRACY (cheery, awkward) I can't wait to start campaigning. JIM Should be easy. So far no competition. TRACY Hell, you know, Coca-Cola's the world's number one soft drink, but they spend more money than anybody on advertising. I guess that's how come they stay number one. JIM Yeah. Okay. well, good luck Tracy They exchange a long, curious stare. There's a tone at once confrontational and vaguely sexual about this moment. TRACY You know, Mr. M., when I win the presidency, that means you and I are going to be spending a lot of time together next year. And I for one would like that time to be harmonious and productive. Wouldn't you? JIM Sure TRACY Okay. That's good. I just wanted to make sure. JIM Good luck, Tracy. JIM pulls away and heads for the parking lot exit. INT.EXT. JIM'S CAR ON STREET -- DAY JIM drives stone-faced, unblinking. Something about the music on the radio mocks him. JIM (VO) I don't blame Tracy for what happened with Dave. How could I? Dave was an adult more than twice her age. EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKIKG LOT DAY JIM pulls to a stop next to a giant DUMPSTER Out of his window come yellowed newspapers, balled-up fast food bags, and other detritus. He speeds away. JIM (VO CONT'D) Sure, she got on my nerves once in a while, but I admired Tracy. I really did. INSIDE THE DUMPSTER we see Tracy's little bound book of signatures. INT. MCALLISTER DIKING ROOM - MIGHT JIM and his wife Diane sit at their dining room table, eating chicken pot pies, baked potatoes with sour cream, salad with Lite Ranch dressing. Not a word passes between them. JIM (VO CONT'D) Thank God for Diane. She was my best friend, my source of love and strength. Oh sure, we'd had our share of bumpy times, but we'd always seen them through. After nine years of marriage, we were closer than ever. And the secret? Good communication. DIANE Anything wrong? JIM Everything's fine. Just, you know, school. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM - NIGHT JIM lies awake in bed while Diane snores beside him. Something seems to be echoing in his head. TRACY'S VOICE ...You know, Coca-Cola's by far the number one soft drink... When I win the presidency we're going to be spending a lot of time together... a lot of time... lots and lots and lots of time... president and advisor. . . CLOSE ON JIM'S EAR as Tracy's LIPS magically whisper into it. TRACY ...harmonious and productive... close and special... you and I... so close... so intimate... together... INT. MCALLISTER BASEMENT NIGHT In the darkness a light pops on, and JIM quietly pads down the stairs. He opens an old CEDAR TRUNK, lifts out a few blankets and a piece of cardboard to reveal a row of PORNO TAPES cleverly concealed in the bottom of the trunk. ON THE TV SCREEN - A FOOTBALL PLAYER in uniform and helmet filets a CHEERLEADER in a locker room. JIM watches with detachment, as though watching the news. He sips a can of PEPSI. The football stud continues to bump and grind. Looking at his Pepsi can, JIM is suddenly inspired. JIM (quietly) Paul. EXT. SKI SLOPE (REAR PROJECTION) DAY PAUL METZLER is SKIING in goggles and scarf. Behind him is a cheesy dated rear projection of other skiers. Suddenly Paul loses his balance and FALLS. CLOSE ON PAUL writhing in the snow. PAUL Why. . . ? Why. . . ? PAUL (VO) I was so mad at God when I broke my leg at Shadow Ridge over Christmas break. INSERT X-RAY LIGHT BOX CLOSE ON AN X-RAY of a multiple FRACTURE. PAUL (VO CONT'D) The doctors told me I'd have to quit sports for at least a couple years if not forever. INSERT YEARBOOK PICTURE Paul kneels in his FOOTBALL UNIFORM. The photograph erupts in flames. Bonanza-style. PAUL (VO CONT'D) ...which meant no first-string quarterback in the fall. It was like the end of my life! EXT. MILLARD HIGH FRONT STEPS DAY Paul stands talking to FRIENDS in a very typical high school tableau. All wear backpacks or carry books. A GIRL kneels to sign his cast. PAUL (VO CONT'D) When I got back to school everybody was so supportive, and they all wanted to sign my cast and everything... EXT. MISSOURI RIVER LOCKOUT -- DAY Alone, Paul leans on his crutches and watches the river PAUL (VO CONT'D) ... but I still couldn't shake the feeling that now my life had no purpose. What did God want from me? THE VAST MISSOURI - always flowing, never stopping, no beginning, no end PAUL (VO CONT'D) Why did I exist? INT. LIBRARY DAY Paul is sleeping slumped over a table, his head cradled on crossed arms. The Celestine Prophecy is open face down next to him. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Sometimes you can search everywhere for answers. Then one day destiny just taps you on the shoulder. I know, because it happened to me. A FINGER reaches down and taps Paul's shoulder. Paul comes to and looks -- it's Mr. McAllister. JIM Paul, could I talk to you for a minute? MILLARD HALLWAY - DAY His arm on Paul's shoulder, JIM walks Paul down a deserted hall and into Jim's classroom. JIM picks up some scrap paper off the floor and puts it in the proper place. PAUL (VO) Mr. McAllister changed my life. And no matter what they say he did or did not do, I believe he is a good man. JIM'S CLASSROOM - DAY Paul sits in a chair, while JIM stands JIM Paul, I know you've been pretty down since your accident. PAUL I wanted to play next year so bad I could taste it. And maybe go on to... JIM I know. I understand disappointment. I really do. PAUL Yeah. JIM But you've got a big choice right now. You can choose to be depressed about it for the rest of your life. Or you can choose to see it for what it really is: an opportunity. I personally think you have a big future ahead of you, and I don't mean the fleeting glory of sports. PAUL What do you mean? JIM Let me give you a clue. You're a born leader. You're one of the most popular students at Millard. You're honest and straightforward. You don't choke under pressure, as we all saw in that amazing fourth quarter against Westside. The other kids look up to you. What does that spell? Paul furrows his brow and looks around, searching for an answer. His lower lip is wet. JIM Student... council... president. It takes a moment for this to sink in. Finally PAUL Who, me? Nooo. I never... I don't know anything about that stuff, Mr. M. Besides, that's Tracy Flick's thing. She's always working so hard and -- JIM Yeah, no, she's a go-getter, all right. PAUL And she's super-nice JIM Yeah. But one person assured of victory kind of undermines the whole idea of a democracy, doesn't it? That's more like a... well, like a dictatorship, like we studied. JIM Paul, what's your favorite fruit? PAUL Huh? Oh. Uh... pears JIM takes a piece of chalk from the lip of the blackboard. JIM Okay, let's say PAUL No, wait -- apples. Apples. JIM draws illustrative circles on the board as he speaks. JIM Fine. Let's say all you ever knew was apples. Apples, apples and more apples. You might think apples were pretty good, even if you occasionally got a rotten one. Then one day there's an orange. And now you can make a decision. Do you want an apple, or do you want an orange? That's democracy. PAUL I also like bananas. JIM Exactly. So what do you say? Maybe it's time to give a little something back. INT. STUDENT COMHON AREA DAY Tracy directs her friend ERIC OVERHOLDT on a ladder as he hangs a large POSTER high on a wall. TRACY The right side is too high. The right side. Just a smidge. Suddenly she notices a small COMMOTION in the adjacent cafeteria and goes to investigate. INT. CAFETERIA DAY A small crowd of students compete to sign Paul's nomination petition taped to the wall. GUY (signing) Hey Paul, you going over to Anthony's on Friday, or what did you decide? PAUL I gotta talk to him first. Tracy watches the hubbub, none too pleased, and pushes her way to the front of the group. TRACY Who put you up to this? PAUL Huh? Oh, hi, Tracy Tracy stares at him. TRACY Who put you up to this? PAUL What do you mean? TRACY You just woke up this morning and suddenly decided to run for president? PAUL No. Uh... I just... you know, I just thought -- TRACY Thought what? PAUL Well, see, I was talking to Mr. McAllister about my leg and everything... and how I still want to, you know, do something for the school and -- TRACY So Mr. McAllister asked you to run. PAUL Well, I mean, you know, I talked to him and everything, but he just said he thought it was a good idea... and how there's all different kinds of fruit and... It's nothing against you, Tracy. You're the best. I just thought -- TRACY Okay, Mr. Popular. You're on. With that Tracy turns and SIGNS Paul's sheet THE "I" IN "FLICK" is dotted with a STAR CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE - as she walks away, Paul and his fans receding behind her TRACY (VO) You might think it upset me that Paul Metzier had decided to run against me, but nothing could be further from the truth. He was no competition for me: it was like apples and oranges. It just meant I had to work a little harder, that's all. INT. TRACY'S BASEMENT NIGHT CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE -- in a xeroxed photograph. "Vote Tracy!" is written at the bottom. Tracy is making campaign buttons with her BUTTON MACHINE. She manufactures her buttons with almost alarming intensity. PATRIOTIC MUSIC begins to rise. TRACY (VO CONT'D) You see, I believe in the voters. They understand that elections aren't just popularity contests. They know this country was built by people just like me who work very hard and don't have everything handed to them on a silver spoon. THE TRACY BUTTONS drop one by one into a box. All the little round Tracys smile up at us. EXT. MILLARD PARKING LOT DAY Paul is in the driver's seat of his hitching big-wheeled PICKUP TRUCK. His door is open, and his radio blasts a SONG carefully selected to boost soundtrack album sales. Various FRIENDS OF PAUL'S hang around. Tracy watches the scene from her seat on the SCHOOL BUS TRACY (VO CONT'D) Not like some rich kids who everybody likes because their fathers own Metzier Cement and give them trucks on their sixteenth birthday and throw them big parties all the time. They don't ever have to work for anything. The .bus pulls away. INT. TRACY'S LIVING ROOM AFTERNOON CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE - staring into camera as she exercises on a NORDIC TRAC, Drenched in sweat, she moves in a hypnotic frenzy. TRACY (VO CONT'D) They think they can all of a sudden one day out of the blue waltz right in with no qualifications whatsoever and try to take away what other people have worked for very, very hard their entire lives. No, it didn't bother me at all I INT. PAUL'S PICKUP -- DAY Paul drives home, his stereo thumping. Silent, he appears lost in thought, as though a little gopher idea were burrowing its way to the surface. Oh, look -- there's its snout now. PAUL Paul... Paul... power... Paul... Paul for President... progress... promise... peanut... Paul-i-tics... yeah... President Paul... Punt for Paul! No. EXT. METZLER HOME DAY Paul pulls into the driveway and hops out of his car. INT. TAMMY METZLER'S BEDROOM DAY Two GIRLS are kissing on the bed. They are TAMMY METZLER and LISA FLANAGAN, fifteen and seventeen respectively. Lisa breaks away. Tammy tries to kiss her again, but Lisa resists. TAMMY (softly) What? LISA I told you ... I can't. I just -- It doesn't feel right anymore, you know? INT. METZLER KITCHEN DAY Whistling a cheerful tune, Paul tosses his backpack on a chair, grabs a banana, and opens the refrigerator. INT. TAMMY METZLER'S BEDROOM DAY Tammy is still trying to comfort Lisa. TAMMY If you could just get out of your head. Tammy leans forward, puts her palm on Lisa's cheek. Lisa looks at Tammy as though at a stranger. Tammy leans forward and .kisses Lisa's eyes. Lisa jerks her head out of Tammy's hands. LISA I said no! Suddenly, there's a quick KNOCK at the door, and Paul enters. The girls rise quickly. PAUL Hey, Tammy, guess what happened today. TAMMY Don't you fucking knock? PAUL Yeah. So guess what happened. So Mr. McAllister, he -- (noticing Lisa) Oh hi. Lisa. TAMMY Paul, get out! PAUL So Mr. M. calls me in and tells me -- LISA I gotta go. Lisa pushes her way past Paul and runs down the hall TAMMY (to Paul) You dumbshit! PAUL What'd I do? THE SCENE FREEZES. TAMMY (VO) You know how they say one day a big meteor might come and crash into the Earth and kill everybody? Well, I think that would be a good thing. BACK TO LIFE - Tammy turns away from Paul in disgust and runs after Lisa INT. METZLER LIVING ROOM AND FOYER CONTINUOUS Tammy finds the front door flung open and through it sees Lisa slamming the door of her beat-up Honda Civic and starting the engine. TAMMY Lisa EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET CONTINUOUS Tammy runs up to the car as it pulls away. She pounds on the window. TAMMY Stop! Wait! Lisa stops the car, rolls down the window TAMMY (CONT'D) Where 're you going? LISA I'm not like you. TAMMY What...? LISA I'm not a dyke, okay, and we're not in love. We were just... I was just experimenting. Lisa speeds away, and we watch her car grow smaller and smaller. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S FACE - as we see the greatest disappointment of her short life break across her face. TAMMY (VO) How can something that seems so true turn out to be such a lie? EXT. ELMWOOD PARK -- DAY Lisa and Tammy are swinging synchronized on a swingset, smiling and laughing. The image is slightly OVEREXPOSED as though to suggest an ideal memory. CLOSE ON TAMMY looking over at Lisa TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I mean Lisa and I were destined to be together. It was so obvious. Of all the people on the planet who had ever lived, somehow we'd found each other. CLOSE ON LISA in SLOW MOTION, swinging next to us. She looks back, her face so happy. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) Lisa... INT. TAMMY'S ROOM -- DAY CHOMP-CHOMP-CHOMP Tammy eats an asparagus spear. GNAW-GNAW-GNAW Lisa eats an asparagus spear TAMMY drinks a big glass of water. She giggles a little. LISA drinks a big glass of water. She giggles too. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I remember one time Lisa and I did an experiment with asparagus to see how long it takes your pee to smell. We peed a little every five minutes. AN EGG TIMER: Ding I Tammy and Lisa, very serious now, smell little Dixie cups TAMMY (VO CONT'D) For her it took about fifteen minutes, and for me it was twenty. INT. LIBRARY DAY Lisa studies at a table, surrounded by other busy students. TAMMY (VO) Everyday I found some new way to tell Lisa I loved her. Suddenly Tammy walks by, drops a folded NOTE in front of Lisa, and walks on. Lisa opens it. NOTE (Tammy's voice) If you died right now, I would throw myself into one of my Dad's cement trucks and get poured into your tomb. Lisa looks over her shoulder at Tammy, who is now at the door of the library. Tammy nods at her with quiet loving reassurance. TAMMY (VO) But it just seemed like the closer we got, the more she pulled away. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Lisa watches Tammy open her locker and notices a four-frame PHOTO- BOOTH PHOTOGRAPH taped to the inside of the door. In the photos Lisa and Tammy are clowning and smooching. Lisa reaches over and YANKS the photos off the door. LISA Are you crazy? TAMMY What? LISA People can see this. TAMMY So? LISA These are private -- these are for us. TAMMY I know. LISA But other people can see them too. TAMMY I don't care. LISA Well, I do. Lisa walks away with the photos EXT. ELMWOOD PARK DAY CLOSE ON LISA SWINGING -- next to us, a final reprise of Tammy's favorite memory TAMMY (VO) What did I do to make her change? What's wrong with me? Lisa swings out of frame, and the swing returns EMPTY. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) (a whisper) Lisa. EXT. HILL ABOVE A POWER PLANT TWILIGHT Tammy sits on a promontory overlooking an Omaha Public Power District station -- towers, wires, insulators, a loud HUM. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) Sometimes when I'm sad, I sit and watch the power station. Tammy lifts a pair of BINOCULARS to her eyes, sees THE POWER PLANT. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) They say if you lie between two of the main wires, your body just evaporates. You become a gas. I wonder what that would feel like. TAMMY'S STREET -- EVENING Lisa's car speeds away, growing smaller and smaller. We're back at the BREAK-UP. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S FACE as she stares down the street, unable to move. It starts to rain. Tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. very French, very sad. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I don ' t know what I did to make Lisa hate me so much, but somehow she decided to hurt roe. And she knew exactly what to do. LISA'S BEDROOM DAY CLOSE ON PAUL'S FACE -- matched in size to Tammy's. He is moaning, gasping. FROM OVERHEAD -- Paul is sprawled on Lisa's bed, surrounded by stuffed animals. His legs dangle over the edge of the bed, and Lisa kneels between them, her head bobbing up and down. PAUL (VO) I sure was surprised the day Lisa Flanagan asked me for a ride home and ended up blowing me. Lisa pauses and looks up at Paul. LISA I've wanted this for so long. She resumes with renewed vigor PAUL Uhhh... teeth. Teeth. LISA Sorry. INT. MILLARD HIGH CAFETERIA DAY Paul and Lisa sit with some other friends at a lunch table. Paul has one arm around Lisa as he eats with his other hand. PAUL (VO) Life is so weird. First Lisa has a big fight with my sister, and the next thing you know she's my girlfriend. Lisa turns around to look at TAMMY seated at another table directly behind them. She and Lisa lock eyes before they both turn around again. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD DAY Paul poses for a campaign photo in his football uniform. He freezes in position as though about to throw a pass. Lisa adjusts his position -- CLICK. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Since Lisa knew all about public relations and stuff, she offered to help me with my campaign. We made a great team! Tammy spies from underneath the bleachers INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Paul is on all fours as Lisa stands on his back to hang a poster with Paul's football picture reading: "Paul Metzier You Bet-zier!" PAUL (VO CONT'D) It seemed so natural, the two of us together. It was like destiny. Tammy watches from a nearby classroom door, her nose and cheek pressed against the window. EXT. LISA'S HOUSE DAY Paul's truck pulls up, and Paul and Lisa get out PAUL (VO CONT'D) That spring was perfect. My leg wasn't bugging me too much, and the weather was so nice. And every afternoon after school. Lisa and I would go to her house to fuck and have a swim. It was like we were in a world all our own. Tammy emerges from behind a tree. She's on her bike. Angry and fragile, she watches the couple enter Lisa's house. EXT. LISA'S BACKYARD DAY Tammy peeks OVER THE FENCE and sees -- LISA AND PAUL swimming. Paul dives off the board and resurfaces right into Lisa's arms. MOVE CLOSER TO TAMMY as she dies a thousand deaths. TAMMY (VO) I had to do something. I didn't know what, but I had to do something. FADE OUT INT. SHERRY NOVOTNY'S BACKYARD -- DAY A laughing BABY BOY is lowered into frame and pulled back up again. Then he swings across frame. It's little DARRYL NOVOTNY. WIDE - JIM has Darryl by the ankles and is swinging him between his legs. Diane and Sherry are setting the picnic table. Stacked charcoal briquettes burn off in a nearby barbecue. JIM (VO) Around that time Diane and I were hanging out a lot at Sherry Novotny's house, giving her our love and support and helping her make it through a difficult time. DIANE Jim, don't. You're scaring him. JIM He likes it. Darryl's laughter suddenly turns into CRYING DIANE Here. Give him to me. (as she takes Darryl) is little Darryl dizzy? That's it. . come here. . . SHERRY You got him? DIANE Yeah. Sherry heads into the house. JIM watches her walk, then turns toward Diane and Darryl. It's as though Diane, not Sherry, were the infant's real mother, so loving and attentive is she, so swelled with maternal piety. JIM (VO) Diane really wanted to have kids -- and so did I -- but it seemed like there was always a reason to wait: she had to finish nursing school, I had to get my masters, we needed a new house, we needed more money. Finally we just decided to go for it... INT. JIM'S BEDROOM NIGHT A DIGITAL THERMOMETER reads 99.3. Behind it Diane lies in bed reading a copy of Self. JIM (VO) ...but for over a year we hadn't had any luck. And Diane was getting desperate. INT. JIM'S HOME OFFICE NIGHT At his desk, JIM studies a High Society magazine. He is naked. JIM closes his eyes and bites his lip as though feeling something he wished not to leave him. He quickly replaces a stack of magazines in his desk and goes across the hall to -- INT. BEDROOM CONTINUOUS where 'Lisa''s car speeds away, growing smaller and smaller. We''re back at the BREAK-UP. CLOSE ON TAMMY''S FACE as she stares down the street, unable to move. It starts to rain. Tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. very French, very sad.' waits in bed. She puts aside her magazine and welcomes Papa Bear. Lisa pauses and looks up at Paul. closes the door behind him. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM LATER JIM and Diane copulate. Although ostensibly near climax, JIM seems to be struggling. Diane's exhortations, once forbidden and exciting, now seem routine. DIANE You gonna do it? You gonna do it? JIM Yeah, uh, just a minute DIANE Come on, doit. Doit. Fill me up. Come on, fill me up JIM Yeah, just -- DIANE Do it! JIM finally climaxes DIANE (CONT'D) Okay! With that JIM rolls off of her. Diane immediately hoists her knees to her chest. CLOSE ON JIM - on his side of the bed facing away from Diane. DIANE Could you hand me the remote? EXT. NOVOTNY BACKYARD AS BEFORE JIM is snapped out of his reverie by Sherry's voice SHERRY Say, Jim. Jim. JIM looks. Sherry is walking out the patio door holding a big bottle of wine with a corkscrew sticking out of it. SHERRY (CONT'D) Could you get this? I can't JIM Sure. JIM takes the bottle. CLOSE ON the neck as the cork emerges: POP! INT. NOVOTNY KITCHEN -- DAY Sherry stands at the base of a stepladder as JIM climbs up and points to a spot on the ceiling. JIM (VO) Without Dave around. Sherry needed a lot of help around the house. JIM Here? SHERRY (indicating) More this way. JIM Okay. Give me the drill. JIM looks down at Sherry as she hands it up. Her blouse reveals a bit more than it should, and JIM pauses to get an extra glimpse. THE POWER DRILL BIT penetrates the ceiling. EXT. HOVOTHY FRONT YARD -- DAY A shirtless JIM is MOWING the lawn on a hot day. He shuts it off as Sherry emerges from the house with lemonade. She wears culottes, a halter top, and flip-flops. JIM I'd always liked Sherry, but we'd never had a chance to spend any time alone together. How with Dave out of the picture, I began to see what an incredibly sensitive and giving person she was. JIM downs his glass in big thirsty gulps and hands her back the glass. He watches her walk back to the house. JIM (VO CONT'D) Plus she had finally dropped all that weight from her pregnancy, and really she looked great. THE RIPCORD of the lawnmower is pulled a couple of times until it starts. INT. YOUHKERS DEPARTMENT STORE -- DAY IN WOMEN'S ACCESSORIES - Sherry looks at herself in the mirror modeling a colorful floppy hat. She spins around for Jim's approval. JIM (VO) We got to be pretty good buddies. I even took her to the mall one time while her car was in the shop. JIM smiles and nods. She puts on another. Sherry is like a young girl on a date. She grabs Jim's hand and pulls him in another direction. AT THE MAKEUP COUNTER - Sherry spreads on lipstick. SHERRY What do you think? It's clear what JIM thinks. JIM You look great INT. JIM'S CAR -- DAY They're driving home. There are packages on Sherry's lap and in the backseat. SHERRY I can't afford this stuff right now. JIM Oh, come on. You've had a hard year, you're cooped up with the kid all the time. Let go; live a little. SHERRY You sure? They come to a stop at a red light. Out one window JIM spots a MOTEL. JIM So what do you think? Should we get a room? SHERRY Should we get a what? JIM points at the motel. SHERRY (CONT'D) Oh. Her smile fades, and she stares straight ahead. There's an icy, uncomfortable silence. SHERRY (CONT'D) (stiffly) That's not funny. The light changes. JIM swallows, accelerates INT. JIM'S KITCHEN DAY JIM walks in through the backdoor. Diane is loading the dishwasher. They peck-kiss. DIANE How'd it go? JIM Fine. You know. We just went to Crossroads. DIANE You guys have fun? JIM picks an apple out of a bowl. JIM (between bites) Yeah. No. I mean, you know. DIANE What? JIM Well, Sherry's great. But she can be a little much sometimes. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM NIGHT Diane lies face-down, and JIM is on top of her. JIM makes spirited love with her. DIANE Oh, Jim! Oh, God! SHERRY'S HEAD, like a cut-out from a tabloid cover, floats in from off-screen and lands on the back of Diane's head. At the right moment, her face COMES TO LIFE and vaguely mouths the words that Diane is saying, like a badly-dubbed movie. DIANE/SHERRY Oh, God. Just like that. Oh yes. Fill me up... Jim's wicked desire increases with each movement Now TRACY FLICK'S FACE floats over and replaces Sherry's. Tracy mouths Diane's words. DIANE/TRACY Do it, Jim. Fuck me. JIM is at once in deep-space ecstasy and surprised at himself. Diane's voice now changes: it's Tracy's VOICE. TRACY (OS) Fuck me, Mr. McAllister FADE OUT UNDER BLACK JIM (VO) So like I was saying, things were going pretty well in my life. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY It's passing period, and hundreds of students clog the halls JIM (VO) ... that is, until things started going all haywire with that damn election. A distant DING-DING grows louder and louder. Everyone turns toward the source, far down the hall, and eventually TAMMY emerges wearing a makeshift SANDWICH BOARD that reads "Tammy Metzier For President." Smiling a perverse smile, she rings a hand bell. Salvation Army style. Paul is at his locker and watches Tammy go by. PAUL Tammy? Tammy, what are you doing? Tammy ignores her brother and keeps walking directly toward us, finally INTO CAMERA. INT. MILLARD TEACHERS' OFFICES -- DAY Tracy sits opposite Mr. McAllister. TRACY You're the advisor. You should stop her. She's not qualified. She's just a sophomore. JIM Calm down, Tracy. Just calm down. TRACY Are you sure all her signatures are real? It's not easy to get all those signatures. JIM As far as I know, they-- Suddenly LISA AND PAUL are sitting where Tracy was. PAUL We can't both run, can we? We're brother and sister. Can we? LISA It's a conflict of interest. And Paul was first. JIM Anyone who gets signatures in on time can run. And she got in just under the wire. Nothing I can do. Now TRACY replaces Lisa and Paul TRACY Let me see them. Let me see them Sighing, JIM fishes in his drawer and hands Tracy some sheets TRACY These are a bunch of burn-outs. And look at this one, I can't even read this one. JIM (taking the sheet) Looks like Tim Kobza. LISA AND PAUL again LISA She's doing this to get back at me PAUL For what? LISA I mean at you. PAUL For what? LISA I don't know. You're her brother you should know. TRACY returns. TRACY Tim Kobza? Tim Kobza! Who's he? I've never heard of him! JIM Look, why don't we just forget about Tammy? We'll have the assembly tomorrow, everybody'll make their speeches, and I'm sure everything will be fine. INT. MILLARD GYMNASIUM DAY The entire student body is assembled on the bleachers. There is a palpable mood of boredom and apathy. JERRY SLAVIN, a handicapped kid in a wheelchair, is at the microphone. His head lists to one side, and he takes long breaths as he speaks. JERRY I love Millard High, and I will be a dedicated vice President. A vote for Jerry Slavin is a vote for good government. And even if I can't really stand up for you, I will. (cracks himself up) Thank you. Jerry motors away amid scattered applause and coughs. JIM steps forward, clapping, and raises the mike. JIM Thank you, Jerry, and good luck. Again, Jerry is running unopposed for Vice President. So we'll move on now to the presidential race with three candidates running. The first in alphabetical order is Tracy Flick. Tracy steps forward with a small stack of index cards. During her speech she flips the cards over one by one but rarely looks at them. TRACY Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better." With this election, we here at Millard also have an opportunity to make our high school days better. During this campaign I have had the opportunity to speak with many of you about your concerns. I spoke with freshman Eliza Ramirez, who told me how alienated she feels from her own homeroom. I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks, who said his mother works in a cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes. I won't bore you with long- winded promises about all the new and innovative things I will definitely achieve during the year in which it will be my honor and privilege to represent each and every one of you, but I can say that my years of experience on the student council have taught me the three most important attributes the president needs to possess; commitment - DOUG SCHENKEN Eat me DOUG'S BUDDY Eat me raw! There is scattered laughter. Tracy pauses, wait Hendricks bounds up and grabs the mike. WALT If you can't be adults and give these candidates the courtesy they deserve, then you don't deserve to be called adults but children* Because that's what children are. And you'll be treated like children. So let's all listen up. Walt backs away to his seat. Tracy resumes TRACY The three most important attributes the president needs to possess are: commitment, qualifications, and experience. I'll add one more; caring. I care about Millard, and I care about each and every one of you, and together we can all make a difference. One of the things I would like to establish is a regular open forum where any student can come and voice their concern about issues we face here at Millard. I and the rest of the student council would then interface with the faculty and staff, so a continuous dialogue would exist. Walt whispers to Jim. WALT I'd say she knows a thing or two about student-faculty dialogue. JIM nods solemnly TRACY When you cast your vote for Tracy Flick next week, you won't just be voting for me. You'll be voting for yourself and for every other student Our days won't be any longer, but they can sure be better. Thank you. Tracy smiles and walks back to her folding chair. There is polite applause and a few whistles. JJJB comes back to the microphone. Tracy takes her seat next to Paul and glances at him. Paul scares straight ahead, a fat bead of sweat on his forehead. One of his legs is jiggling. JIM The next candidate for student body president is Paul Metzier. Paul? Paul awkwardly makes his way to the mike. Though by no means thunderous, his applause clearly exceeds Tracy's. A small cluster of jocks "woof" for him, shaking their fists in the air. Paul manages a weak grin for his buddies. Tracy shifts in her chair, her smile stiff and forced Lisa smiles and nods at Paul from the bleachers, giving him encouragement and a silent reminder to remember what they talked about. Tammy's eyes dart between Lisa and Paul. She shows no emotion, reveals nothing. The applause quickly dies, and after a moment Paul remembers to look at the white paper in his hand. He speaks in a barely audible monotone, never once glancing up. PAUL As many of you know I broke my leg pretty bad thi3 year and the experience has made me reevaluate what I want to do with my life and that is help people when you think about it a school is more than a school it's our second home where we spend all cur time and grow as individuals and a community but is our school everything it could be I want our school to reach its true potential that is why I am running for president. JIM pinches the bridge of his nose, clearly pained A few loud SOUND EFFECT SNORES saw through the air, and Walt points a stern finger at - you guessed it -- Doug Schenken. PAUL I know what it is to fight hard and win like when we almost went to state last fall and I threw that fourth-quarter pass against Westside for the touchdown that won the game by three points I won't let you down like I didn't then I promise we can all score a winning (big breath) touchdown together. Vote Paul Metzier for president thank you. Paul now gets considerably less applause, but his jock friends remain loyal. JIM Okay, Paul. Now our final candidate for President - another one of the Metzier clan -- sophomore Tammy Metzier. Tammy approaches the mike. There are scattered mocking whistles and catcalls. Tammy calmly looks over the crowd, waiting for the jeers to subside. She makes eye contact with Lisa, who stares back. WALT People. People I The room quiets down. Tammy puts her lips close to the mike, TAMMY Who cares about this stupid election? NOW there's something worth listening to. TAMMY (CONT'D) We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected president of Millard. You think it's going to change anything around here, make one single person happier or smarter or nicer? The only person it matters to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don't even want to go to college, and I don't care, and as president I won't do anything. The only promise I make is that if elected I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again! There is a sudden huge cathartic eruption of cheers and applause. Tammy has set them free. Even cynical old Doug Schenken and his buddies join in. STUDENTS Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! In total control, she steps back from the mike and CURTSIES. Walt shoots an angry, confused look at Jim, who shrugs. Tracy is clearly upset, but her smile remains eerily fixed Paul just looks confused and ashamed. Jerry Slavin is convulsed in laughter and chants along with the multitude. Tammy quickly grabs the mike for one final exhortation. TAMMY 0h don't vote for me I Who cares? Don't vote at all! The students go nuts. INT. WALT HENDRICK'S OFFICE DAY Dr. Hendricks is in a serious post-assembly discussion with JIM and VICE-PRINCIPAL RON BELL. WALT That little bitch made a fool of us I want her out of the election. Getting everybody all riled up like that. She's finished, you hear me? Washed up. JIM Walt, we can't throw her out of the election just because we don't like her speech. That's not what student government's about. WALT (grumbling) Yeah... whatever. All I know is she's a troublemaker. She's on my list. RON All we need to do is send a message, so maybe we should just suspend her. WALT Right. That's it. She's suspended for a week! To emphasize his point, Walt throws his STYROFOAM CUP at the wastepaper basket and misses. Lowell the janitor, passing by outside the door, notices the cup bouncing on the floor. JIM I think that's a little strong Walt. Ron? RON We don't want to make a martyr out of her. Three days sounds right to me. WALT Okay. Three days. Take care of it. EXT. STREETS DAY Tammy rides her bike on this crisp sunny spring day. The music is buoyant. Tammy is all smiles. TAMMY (VO) Being suspended is like getting a paid vacation. Too bad it was only three days EXT. 7-11 DAY Tammy is hanging out by the entrance. A DUDE emerges from the store carrying a 12-pack of beer. En route to his car, he throws Tammy a pack of CIGARETTES. DUDE Here you go. Tammy looks at the pack TAMMY Hey -- I said lights I EXT. SACRED HEART ACADEMY -- DAY A cigarette hanging out of her mouth, Tammy rides by the front of this Catholic girls' school. NOW AT THE ATHLETIC FIELD - Tammy gets off her bike, goes to look through the surrounding fence at GIRLS PLAYING LACROSSE in their cleats, short skirts, jerseys. LITURGICAL MUSIC accompanies SLOW-MOTION close-ups of the girls in action. Tammy seems to breathe them in INT. TAMMY'S ROOM -- DAY Wearing headphones. Tammy DANCES to music only she can hear. She happens to glance toward her door and notices a MANILA ENVELOPE sliding under it. She opens the door and finds a startled Paul. TAMMY What do you want? PAUL Oh. Hi, Tammy. I was just, you know, I went to all your teachers and got your assignments. Tammy looks at him, picks up the packet. PAUL (CONT'D) I just thought, well, last time you got suspended you fell so behind and - TAMMY Okay, Paul. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Paul smiles at the acknowledgment of his good deed. TAMMY (CONT'D) Now could you leave me alone? PAUL Yeah. Oh, one more thing. Tammy. You know, all this election stuff. 'Cause, you know, everyone is saying it's so weird that you're running against me, and, well, it is kind of weird, and you haven't really told me why you're doing it and didn't tell me in advance or anything. But that's okay, you know. l respect your privacy. I just want you to know that no matter who wins, if it's you or me, there's no hard feelings. We're still brother and sister. Okay? Cause... and I hope you feel the same. TAMMY Sure, Paul. No hard feelings. PAUL Okay. Great. I feel good. Paul is about to leave again but PAUL Oh. Oh. Yeah. Right. One other thing. Since you know Lisa so well, could you give me some advice? I want to get her something for helping me with the election. You know, something really special -- like flowers or candy or flowers and candy. Or is that too typical? I mean, can you think of something? Something really special? You know, something she'd really like? Tammy looks as though she'd like to push the button on all the world's atomic bombs. EXT. TRACY'S DRIVEWAY DAY CLOSE ON A GIANT OUTLINED "0" -- drawn on white paper. A hand enters frame with a brush and begins to fill in the outline with blue tempera-paint. Camera RISES to reveal the "0" as part of a giant banner. Tracy is working on some letters, while ERIC OVERHOLDT is working on others. TRACY (VO) What happened at the speeches was an unconscienceable travesty. That little bitch Tammy Metzier wanted to make a fool out of me. Well, it wasn't going to work. People do care who wins. Things do matter. Finally, we're high enough to read: WHO CARES? I DO: VOTE TRACY! TRACY Eric, the "r" is supposed to be green, not blue. ERIC Oh. Okay. Eric carefully paints over his mistake, then works up some courage. ERIC (CONT'D) So, Tracy, I was wondering if after we finish with these you'd like to go to a movie or something. TRACY That's okay. I'm too busy. Ouch. INT. MILLARD YEARBOOK OFFICE -- NIGHT A haggard Tracy sits alone at a computer monitor TRACY (VO CONT'D) People are so ungrateful. If all those students who cheered for Tammy Metzier only knew how hard I worked for Millard. Like all the late nights I spent at the yearbook office just to give them their memories. THE MONITOR displays a DIGITIZED PHOTO of the Millard yearbook staff. DAVE NOVOTNY peers proudly from behind two of the taller students. A CURSOR in the shape of tiny SCISSORS makes a small circle around Dave's face. Suddenly, the cursor turns into a tiny HAND and drags Dave's dislodged head into the TRASH. Tracy concentrates as she deftly controls the mouse. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One of my duties was to clean up the group photos. It was a cinch with our new software. THE COMPUTER MONITOR AGAIN -- as Tracy outlines a piece of the WALL and places it in the void where Dave used to be, blurring the edges for a perfect effect, voila! Satisfied, Tracy taps on the keyboard. TRACY (under her breath) Let's see... "save" is Command "S." Okay. INT. MILLARD HIGH HALLWAY -- NIGHT Tracy is heading down the hall toward the exit when she rounds a corner and, suddenly deeply troubled, sees that HER NEW "WHO CARES?" BANNER has come loose on an upper corner and is drooping. Tracy puts down her things and JUMPS up to slap the corner back into place. Satisfied, she turns away. But then - SHOOP! The banner fights back, peeling even further from the wall. Tracy prepares for battle. INT. YEARBOOK OFFICE NIGHT Tracy enters and grabs a long aluminum STRAIGHT-EDGE. INT. HALLWAY NIGHT Standing on an overturned GARBAGE CAN and wielding the straight-edge, Tracy tries to smooth the banner. But she's not holding the ruler flat against the wall and -- RIP! -- she slices the banner lengthwise. Now the plastic garbage can begins to buckle. Struggling to retain her balance, Tracy accidentally hooks the banner and as she TUMBLES yanks the whole thing down. Overcome with anger and frustration, she thrashes around on the ground and TEARS UP what remains of her banner. PAUL METZLER smiles down at Tracy from his poster across the hall. Tracy looks up at it. Instantly she is on her feet, lunging for the poster. She jumps up, TEARS it down, and RIPS Paul's head into pieces. Blood issues from a thin paper cut on one hand. Tracy regards it at first without comprehending, then raises it to her mouth. While sucking her wound, her gaze falls on -- ANOTHER SMILING PAUL mocking her pain. ANGLE FROM WAY DOWN THE HALL Hurricane Tracy begins a savage assault on the fragile coast of Millard High. Paul's campaign posters fill the air, shredded to pieces by the powerful winds of jealousy and rage. TIME DISSOLVE -- to Tracy even farther down the hall, still jumping, still ripping. TRACK FROM OVERHEAD - THE HALLWAY FLOOR - where a thousand bits of Paul lie scattered -- a grinning mouth here, an eye there. TILT UP finally to Tracy, sweating, panting. She finishes ripping a poster and looks to find another. But there are no more Paul posters: she has destroyed them all. Tracy raises her hands and sees they are streaked with Blood. INT. GIRLS ' BATHROOM NIGHT Tracy is at the sink, washing away the blood. She pats her hands dry with paper towels. The gravity of what she's done now sinks in, and she panics. TRACY I didn't do this. I didn't do it. She lifts the top off a garbage can, removes the PLASTIC LINER. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY NIGHT With frantic haste, Tracy stuffs the evidence of her awful deed into the garbage bag. EXT. BACK OF HILLARD HIGH -- MIGHT Tracy's face is half-obscured by the bulging bag she carries down the sidewalk. EXT. HILLARD PARKIMC LOT - MIGHT Tracy opens her TRUNK and heaves the garbage bag inside slamming the trunk, she looks around - no one. INT. TRACY'S CAR NIGHT Tracy drives, sucking on a wounded hand. She glances frequently in the rear-view mirror. EXT. STREET MIGHT Tracy's car drives down a REMOTE ROAD. There are no sidewalks here, and the surroundings consist of scrubby vegetation and industrial structures. In the background looms a POWER PLANT. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS We now sense that Tracy has a plan. She throws the car into reverse, backs up and turns onto - EXT. A SMALL ACCESS ROAD -- CONTINUOUS Tracy stop the car near an EMBANKMENT. She gets out and pulls the garbage bag from the trunk. With a big shove Tracy sends the bag cartwheeling down the hill Breathing hard but clearly relieved, Tracy watches the evidence of her deed tumble into obscurity. NOW THROUGH BINOCULARS Tracy's shadowy figure runs back to the car. EXT. HILL ABOVE POWER PLANT NIGHT Tammy momentarily drops her BINOCULARS before raising them again. THROUGH THE BINOCULARS - Tracy's car speeds away. Tammy drops her binoculars and mounts her bike EXT. EMBANKMENT -- NIGHT Tammy skids to a stop, drops her bike, and heads down the embankment. CLOSE ON THE HEFTY BAG as Tammy draws near. She pauses at first, but intrepid curiosity conquers her fear. She unties the knot. FROM INSIDE THE BAG we see Tammy's sudden look of HORROR PAUL'S MANGLED FACE smiles up at her. Tammy raises it toward camera INT. NOVOTWY BATHROOM -- MORNING CLOSE ON A DRAIN as a hand extracts a huge WAD OF HAIR -- stringy, mucousy. fetid. JIM holds it up for Sherry, who stands behind him in her bathrobe. JIM There's your culprit He examines it from different angles. Both scrunch their faces JIM (CONT'D) Shall we give it a name? SHERRY (not missing a beat) Dave. CLOSE ON AN OPEN TOILET - Plop! The hairwad joins several smaller stringy friends. NOW AT THE SINK JIM washes his hands. Sherry glances between JIM and the water running in the shower. It's getting steamy. SHERRY Did you know Dave's a bed wetter? JIM No, I... uh, didn't know that SHERRY All his life. He's tried everything. JIM (about the shower) Still clear? SHERRY Yep. JIM We'll let it run awhile JIM turns off the faucet and reaches for a towel. Sherry offers him another. SHERRY This one's clean. JIM takes it and dries his hands. Sherry now stands very close to him. JIM sets the towel on the sink. It's a little awkward as they look into each other's eyes, standing so near. SHERRY (CONT'D) I guess you'd better get to work huh? You're going to be late. She slowly wraps her arms around Jim's neck and pulls him to her, a hug of gratitude and warmth -- nothing sexual here, just the embrace of two people in need of shelter from the storm of life. No, nothing sexual at all. SHERRY (CONT'D) Thank you, Jim. Now sherry begins to cry a little, and things begin to change -- hands wander, cheek brushes cheek. Finally lips meet, tenderly at first. And then it is a deluge. INT. NOVOTNY LIVING ROOM DAY JIM and Sherry stumble in from the hallway locked in an embrace. They rove around the room, barely able to keep their balance. Finally, they fall to the ground. CLOSE ON LITTLE DARRYL -- playing with his foot in the CRIB. Through the bars behind him we can discern the murky shape of Sherry and JIM rutting and grunting like wild boars. EXT. NOVOTNY DRIVEWAY DAY JIM starts his car. Sherry leans into his window. She looks around the neighborhood before kissing him firmly on the mouth. SHERRY Hey Yeah? SHERRY Take me to that motel. Like you wanted. JIM Right now? SHERRY Easy, tiger. Come by after school. I'll leave Darryl with the sitter. JIM Three twenty-five. SHERRY Three twenty-five. EXT. HILLSIDE ROAD -- DAY VROOM! JIM roars past us in his new RED FERRARI CONVERTIBLE EXT. ITALIAM RIVIERA (REAR PROJECTIOH) CONTINUOUS JIM wears a BLACK SUIT and hip HRAPAROUND SUNGLASSES as he drives. He lights a cigarette. Behind him is a cheesy dated REAR PROJECTION Of a curvy MOUNTAIN ROAD. Next Stop: portofino! JIM (VO) What had blossomed between Sherry and me was too real, too powerful to deny. For the first time in years, I felt free and alive! EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT DAY JIM'S Ferrari heads up the driveway and into his assigned space He opens the Ferrari door. JIM'S FOOT touches the pavement - not a shiny Salvatore Ferragamo loafer but a worn out Dexter. WIDE - JIM is back in his own clothes, and his car has reverted to a Ford Escort in need of a wash. He heads toward the school. INT. HILLARD LIBRARY -- DAY JIM enters the library, walks among the stacks. JIM (VO CONT'D) So as you can imagine, my thoughts weren't on the election that Monday morning. JIM takes a BOOK from the shelf JIM (VO CONT'D) My thoughts were only on Sherry, on how perfect she felt inside. There was a special poem I wanted to read to her later, at the motel, as she lay next to me. Jim flips through the book and finds the poem he seeks. His lips move silently. JIM'S VOICE (VO CONT'D) Close, close the lovers keep. They stay together in their sleep. Close as two pages in a book That read each other in the dark.. Suddenly -- a grating VOICE from the loudspeakers. VOICE (OS) Mr. McAllister to the Principal's Office. Mr. McAllister to the Principal's office. JIM smacks the book closed INT. WALT ' S OFFICE - DAY LISA FLAMAGAN - her face streaked with tears from outrage and confusion. LISA It's not fair. It's not fair Paul sits next to Lisa on the vinyl sofa. He wants to console her, but he doesn't know how. PAUL I just don't think anybody would do something like that on purpose. It must have been some kind of mistake. Like a maintenance thing. JIM enters. WALT Jim, where the hell have you been? JIM Nowhere. I don't have class until second period. WALT Even tried you at home. We've got a situation here. LISA If Paul loses tomorrow, it's not fair. There has to be another election, with posters. JIM What's the problem? LISA Didn't you see? WALT Somebody tore down their posters. LISA Those posters cost a lot of money we don't have I There's no time to make any more posters, there's no -- WALT We'll get to the bottom of it. PAUL (to Lisa) We still have some extra ones, don't we? Maybe we can just -- LISA It was Tammy I That's who it was. PAUL Oh, no, hey. Like I said. Tammy wouldn't... she... WALT Well, that speech she gave -- it was pretty, you know, pretty out there. But we'll get to the bottom of it. Don't you worry. Mr. McAllister is going to see to that. Right, Jim? JIM (his thoughts elsewhere) Oh yeah, you bet. LISA She should be expelled. Or worse! WALT You two just go back and focus on your studies. Mr. McAllister's going to handle this. INT. CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM DAY A BUNSEN BURNER -- as a VIAL containing blue liquid is held to the flame. The solution magically changes from blue to yellow. Wearing goggles, Tracy holds the beaker with chemist's tongs Her two LAB PARTNERS observe. The classroom door and a STUDENT approaches the teacher, MR. BECKMAN, to deliver a note. MR. BECKMAN Tracy? Tracy looks up through her goggles. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY LONG TRACKING SHOT . - of Tracy as she leaves the classroom. AS she walks through the .desolate halls and descends a flight of stairs, she holds her head high, suggesting a serene, almost regal confidence. TRACY (VO) When I arrived at school that morning, I was shocked to find that one of my key banners had been removed by vandals. I noticed that a few of my rival's posters had also been tampered with. Of course, I was outraged, but one day before the election is not the time to lose your head over a couple of posters. When you're in the public eye, attacks like that just come with the territory. Finally she reaches the INT. SCHOOL OFFICE DAY Upon seeing Tracy, MISS LINDA BEEDER, the "They 're-all-my-kids office administrator, points wordlessly to an open door of a conference room. JIM is inside. JIM Tracy. Come on in. And shut the door behind you. She goes in and closes the door in our face. INT. LITTLE CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY Tracy is seated in a chair. JIM hovers above her, alternately leaning on a desk and pacing. JIM I guess you know why you're here TRACY If it's about the posters, I think it's so awful. It's a travesty. JIM A travesty. Huh. That's interesting, because I think you did it. TRACY Wait - are you accusing me? You're not serious. (indignant) I can't... Mr. McAllister, we have worked together on SGA for three solid years and... I mean, I can't believe it. I'm... I'm shocked! JIM stares at her. TRACY (CONT'D) Mr. M., I am running on my qualifications. I would never need to resort to, you know, to vandalism like a, you know... Plus, my own best banner was torn down. Did I do that too? JIM Were you or were you not working in the Watchdog office over the weekend? TRACY I was. So? Mr. Pecharda let me in. As you know, with all my responsibilities I often come in on the weekend and have permission to do so. But I left very early, around 6:30. JIM 6:30. How do you know what time the posters were torn down? TRACY I don't. I just know they were there when I left. I'm giving you helpful information is all. You know, instead of wasting time interrogating me, we should be out there trying to find out who did this. JIM Okay, Tracy, so who do you think did it? Whom should we "interrogate?" TRACY well, I don't know. It could have been anybody. There are a lot of, you know, subversive elements around Millard. You know, like Rick Thieson and Kevin Speck and those burn-outs. Or Doug Schenken - what about him? Or what about Tammy Metzier? Her whole thing is being anti- this and anti-that. JIM shifts gears JIM You're a very intelligent girl, Tracy. You have many admirable qualities. But someday maybe you'll learn that being smart and always being on top and doing whatever you need to do to get ahead, and yes, stepping on people to get there, well, there's a lot more to life than that. And in the end, you're only cheating yourself. TRACY Why are you lecturing me? JIM This isn't the time or the place to get into it, but there is, for just one example, a certain former colleague of mine, who made a very big mistake, a life mistake. I think the lesson there is that, old and young, we ail make mistakes, and we have to learn that our actions, all of them, can carry serious consequences. You're very young, Tracy underage, in fact -- but maybe one day you'll understand. TRACY I don't know what you're referring to, but I do know that if certain older and wiser people hadn't acted like such little babies and gotten all mushy, everything would be okay. JIM I agree. But I also think certain young and naive people need to thank their lucky stars and be very, very grateful the whole school didn't find out about certain indiscretions which could have ruined their reputations, and chances to win certain elections. TRACY And I think certain older persons like you and your "colleague" shouldn't be leaching after their students, especially when some of them can't even get their own wives pregnant. And they certainly shouldn't be running around making slanderous accusations. Especially when certain young, naive people's mothers are para-legal secretaries at the city's biggest law firm and have won many successful lawsuits. And if you want to keep questioning me like this, I won't continue without my attorney present. JIM draws a long breath as he tries to control himself JIM Okay, Tracy. Have it your way. There's a KNOCK. JIM and Tracy turn to see TAMMY METZLER timidly poking her head in. TAMMY You wanted to see me, Mr. M.? JIM Just wait outside. Tammy. TAMMY Okay. But is this about the posters? JIM Possibly. Please just wait outside. TAMMY Okay. (looking at Tracy) Because I know who did it. So.. I'll just be outside. Tammy manages to squeeze in a naughty little smile before closing the door. INT. OUTER OFFICE DAY Tammy sits patiently in a chair, bobbing to an unheard song. The door opens, and Tracy emerges. JIM Tracy, don't go away. Come in, Tammy. As Tammy and Tracy cross, Tracy speaks in a low voice but loud enough for JIM to hear. TRACY This ought to be good INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY Tammy sits facing Jim, cradling her backpack. JIM So... what do you have to tell me? TAMMY Well, this is hard for me, but I think it's important to be honest. Don't you? JIM (impatient) What is it. Tammy? TAMMY I'm the one. I did it. I tore down Paul's posters. JIM Looks at her skeptically doesn't say a word. TAMMY (CONT'D) I did it. JIM And when did you do it? TAMMY This weekend. JIM Exactly when? TAMMY I don't know. Yesterday. Sunday. JIM And how did you get in the school? TAMMY Door was open. JIM Which door? TAMMY I don't know. All I know is I did it I JIM I don't believe you. TAMMY I have proof. She burrows in her backpack. INT. OUTER OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS Tracy stands up from her seat and manages to PEEK THROUGH THE WINDOW of the conference room. She sees -- pulling out a handful of POSTER SHREDS from her backpack and handing them to Jim. Tracy turns away and covers her mouth with one hand. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM CONTINUOUS THE POSTER FRAGMENTS in Jim's hands. TILT UP to Tammy really hamming it up. TAMMY You don't know what it's like to grow up in the shadow of an older brother like Paul. it's always Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Never Tammy. I'm only Paul's little sister. You must be Paul's little sister. He's so perfect, and I'm so troubled. I hate him! I hate him! And I tore down his posters, It was a horrible, cowardly act, but I did it,.. I did it... l did it... And I'm not sorry... JIM watches her performance until he can't take it anymore he's got other fish to fry. JIM Final I don't know what your problem is, but if that's the way you want it, that's the way it'll be. I don't have time. You're out of the election, and I'm turning you over to Dr. Hendricks. He throws the door open. JIM (CONT'D) Tracy? INT. OUTER OFFICE CONTINUOUS Tracy is frightened but still plays the indignant victim. TRACY Yes? JIM Looks like today's your lucky day What does he mean? TRACY What do you mean? JIM You're off the hook. Tammy here has confessed. It takes Tracy a second to figure out how to react. But once she's got it, she runs with it. TRACY I told you! I told you! (pointing at Tammy) You're going to pay for my banner! JIM That's enough, Tracy. Quit while you're ahead, okay? I'll handle this. (to Hiss Seeder) Could you ask Walt to come in? STAFFROOM DAY JIM is feverishly TYPING. JIM (VO) The rest of the day was unbearable. I kept smelling Sherry on my clothes and on my fingers and I just couldn't wait to get out of there. He yanks the paper out of the carriage and hurries away. INT. XEROX ROOM -- DAY A PHOTOCOPY COLLATOR in operation. JIM pulls sheets out and stacks them. JIM (VO CONT'D) I wanted everything to be perfect that afternoon, so I decided to give myself a little time to prepare during eighth period. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY Students are settling into their seats. JIM breezes in, a sheaf of papers fucked under his arm. JIM Pop quiz, everybody The class groans. JIM (CONT'D) No whining. If you've done your reading, this is an easy one. JIM peels off a stack of papers for each row JIM (VO) I'd have exactly forty-eight minutes to make all the arrangements. JIM glances at the clock: 2:08 JIM If you finish early, just sit quietly and check your work. I'll be right back. POOF -- he's gone I EXT. MILLARD HIGH DAY TRACK WITH JIM as he SPRINTS toward the parking lot, fumbling for his keys. EXT. WALGREEN'S -- DAY JIM exits with a bouquet of flowers and a plastic bag. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL -- DAY Jim's car speeds into the driveway and parks INT. SAFARI MOTEL ROOM -- DAY JIM opens the door, sets his things down, and gets to work. THE SINK -- JIM dumps a bucketful of ICE and wedges in a bottle of cheap CHAMPAGNE. THE BEDSIDE TABLE - JIM props up his flowers in the ice bucket and puts a small box of Russell Stover's CANDY next to it. He unwraps the motel's plastic cups and places them just so. Perfect. JIM'S BOOK OF POETRY -- open to that special poem. He marks it with a carnation. UNDER THE BED -- Jim's face appears as he kneels down and slides the book into place, ready for that perfect moment. THE BATHROOM - Where JIM is NAKED now, squatting in the bathtub, frantically washing his undercarriage. He checks his watch. EXT: SAFARI MOTEL ROOM DAY JIM shuts the door and with jaunty confidence slips the key into his pocket. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL DAY Jim's car speeds toward the street. EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT -- DAY JIM gets out of his car and races back toward the school. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY JIM skids around a corner. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY With feigned coolness, he saunters into class just as the BELL RINGS. JIM Okay, everybody, pass them forward. Stephanie, put down your pen. The class begins to rise. JIM (CONT'D) I'll see you all on Wednesday. And don't forget to vote tomorrow. FROM BEHIND - Jim's back has a large vulva-shaped patch of SWEAT EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT -- DAY JIM hurries back to his car, weaving his way through students EXT. SHERRY'S HOUSE -- DAY JIM pulls to a stop in Sherry's driveway. INT. JIM'S CAR JIM checks his watch: 3:24 turns into 3:25 Bingo EXT. SHERRY ' S HOUSE DAY JIM'S FINGER on the doorbell. DING-DONG. JIM waits, rings again. Ho answer. He knocks. No one. He tries the door. Locked. Maybe she's out back. He walks around the house to -- EXT. SHERRY'S BACKYARD CONTINUOUS It's a lovely little backyard. Springtime flowers bloom. Bees buzz among the peonies. JIM opens the gate, approaches the back door, and knocks. JIM Sherry I He rears back and aims his yell toward the second floor. JIM (CONT'D) Sherry I It's Jim! No response. He tries the door. It's locked. JIM cranes his neck for a last look at the house. As he starts to leave, he calls out one final time, not really expecting a response. JIM Sherry Suddenly A WASP STINGS him above his right EYE JIM (CONT'D) Oww! Fuck! Jesus fuck! Cursing and holding his head, JIM stumbles out the gate INT. SAFARI MOTEL LOBBY - DAY Through the glass windows, we see Jim's car pull into the lot and park. JIM enters the lobby. His eye is puffy and red. A MOTEL EMPLOYEE watches TV behind the counter JIM By any chance, has a woman shown up in the last half-hour or so? Maybe she was looking for me. EMPLOYEE Nobody's come in here looking for anybody. Just you. JIM Are you sure? EMPLOYEE (indicating Jim's eye) You okay? INT. SAFARI MOTEL ROOM DAY THE TELEPHONE - as JIM punches in Sherry's number. JIM holds the phone against his ear and the champagne bottle against his eye. JIM Sherry, it's me. Are you there? Pick up. Okay, it's 4:32. I came by at 3:25 like we said and waited, but you weren't there. Anyway, I hope you're okay -- I'm worried about you. So now I'm just at the... at the place we talked about. Suite 219. So I'm here. Everything's all set. You can just come over. Can't wait. Okay. Bye. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL DAY TIME LAPSE - as the sky darkens, the motel's NEON SIGN turns on. JIM now descends the motel stairway carrying his Walgreen's sack. He puts the key into the drop box and gets in his car. INT. METZLER KITCHEN -- NIGHT Dick Metzier and his wife JO are at the breakfast table Tammy sits across from them, her eyes lowered. DICK METZIER I don't get it. What you have against your mother and me, against your brother Paul, is completely beyond me. And your mother is extremely upset, she's at the end of her rope. Your behavior gets crazier and crazier and wilder and wilder, and who knows what the hell else you're doing out there that we don't even know about? TAMMY Dad, I DICK (jabbing his finger) Don't you smartass me! Don't you dare smartass me! You just shut your mouth I (taking a breath) Now your mother and I have had a long talk with Halt Hendricks --- we just got off the phone with him at home. You know, he doesn't want you back at Millard. He's fed up with you. Fed up! And I don't blame him! JO Dick... Dick,.. DICK What? JO (calmly) Tammy, now we've come to a decision. He just think it would be best -- DICK You're going to Catholic school next year. You're going to Sacred Heart. Maybe they'll straighten you out! ANGLE FROM UNDER THE TABLE - Her head low. Tammy SMILES to herself EXT. JIM'S HOUSE NIGHT JIM'S car pulls into the driveway. INT. JIM AND DIANE'S KITCHEN NIGHT JIM enters the back door and sets his satchel down in the usual place. He opens the refrigerator, grabs a beer. As he closes the door, something catches his eye. He reaches inside and throws a plastic container away. Rooting around noisily, he finds other things to dispose of. Suddenly -- A BABY CRY stops him cold. JIM stiffens, his good eye widening as the horrible truth sinks in. He carefully closes the refrigerator and tiptoes toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Jim's face slowly appears around the corner, bad eye first. Finally, he's able to see -- SHERRY AND DIANE together on the living room sofa, staring at him. Their eyes are red from crying. Little Darryl squirms in Sherry's lap. Caught, JIM emerges from his hiding place. No one speaks. Finally, he looks down, sucks in air, blows it out again, nods a little. JIM (very softly) Okay He turns to leave, and nobody stops him. EXT. JIM'S HOME -- NIGHT JIM wanders out the front door and stands in his driveway, bewildered and alone. The camera slowly CRANES UP, eventually looking down on him from a great height. JIM (VO) As I walked out of my home that evening, unsure if I'd ever return, my entire life in question, I somehow discovered within myself a place of perfect peace. Oddly, in my solitude I felt more than ever a sense of communion with every human being - past, present and future. Because no matter what we tell ourselves, no matter what illusions of friendship and family we create, each of us is always and forever profoundly alone. INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM NIGHT FROM OVERHEAD - Tracy slides out of her bed and kneels beside it TRACY Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with You and ask for things, but now I really must insist that You help me win the election tomorrow, because I deserve it and Paul Metzier doesn't, as You well know. l realize that it was Your divine hand that disqualified Tammy, and now I'm asking that You go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong, so that I may carry out Your will on Earth as it is in Heaven. If elected I promise that I will pray more often. Okay? Amen. EXT. TAMMY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT FROM OVERHEAD -- Tammy wears a white t-shirt and underwear and kneels at her bedside. TAMMY (VO) Dear God, I know I don't believe in you, but since I'll be starting Catholic school soon, I thought I should practice. Let's see... what do I want? I want people to be nicer to each other. I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she has been and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants... and someday I want to be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy INT. PAUL'S BEDROOM FROM OVERHEAD -- Paul lies in bed looking at the heavens beyond his ceiling, PAUL (VO) Dear God, thank You for all Your blessings. You have given me so many things, like good health, nice parents, a nice truck, and what I've been told is a large penis, and I'm very grateful. But I sure am worried about Tammy. In my heart I still can't believe she tore down my posters, but sometimes she does get so weird and angry. Please help her be a happier person, because she's so smart and sensitive, and I love her. Also, I'm nervous about the election tomorrow, and I guess I want to win and all, but I know that's totally up to You. You'll decide who the best person is, and I'll accept it. And forgive my sins, whatever they may be. Amen. FADE OUT INT. JIM'S CAR -- NIGHT JIM sits parked outside of Sherry's house, a SLURPEE held against his now grotesquely swollen eye. He is so tired and pain-ridden that he practically gasps for breath. JIM (VO) Sherry never came home that night. I know, because I spent the entire night in her driveway. INT. TRACY'S KITCHEN -- DAWN Tracy and her mom are hard at work frosting cupcakes. TRACY (VO) Mom and I got up at five AM, and together we custom-iced three hundred and fifty cupcakes. CLOSE ON A CUPCAKE - as "PICK FLICK" is written on it with a yellow icing tube. MRS. Flick cheerfully performs her task. She hums. TRACY (VO CONT'D) I remember she was so happy, like there was nothing in the world she'd rather be doing. Besides me and her job, I guess my mom doesn't have much of a life. She hasn't dated anyone since Frank, and she hardly ever buys new clothes for herself or travels. TRACY Mom? MRS. FLICK Hmmm? TRACY I think I'm going to lose today MRS. FLICK What are you talking about? This time tomorrow, you'll be president TRACY You really think so? Mrs. Flick puts an arm around her daughter MRS. FLICK Tracy Flick's a winner. EXT. SHERRY'S HOUSE DAWN Jim's car has not moved from its spot on the driveway. Its windows are now fogged. A LOUD GARBAGE TRUCK rumbles by. INT. JIM'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS Reclined in his car seat, mouth open as he sleeps, JIM is awakened by the truck. His breath steams. His eye has turned bluish. He tries to wipe the condensation from the windshield, but it's on the outside. EXT. SHERRY'S DRIVEWAY -- CONTINUOUS JIM opens the door and looks around -- no sign of Sherry's car. He stiffly walks to the side of the garage and unzips his pants to pee. Now cradling his head on the roof of his car, JIM gathers what little strength he has, gets in, and tries to start the cold engine. JIM (VO) I had no choice but to go home. I needed to shower, get fresh clothes, explain what I could to Diane. But what was I going to say? That our marriage had become a charade? That making love with Sherry had given me a vision of a better life? THE TAILPIPE finally coughs out a cloud of exhaust INT./EXT. JIM'S CAR DAWN JIM drives, bleary-eyed. He creeps along his tree-lined middle-class block. JIM (VO CONT'D) Then again, maybe I could slip in and out without waking her up. JIM slows to a stop, looks with dread at his home EXT. JIM'S HOUSE CONTINUOUS On the front porch sits A GYM BAG. JIM approaches, stares numbly at the bag. Drawing a long breath, he bends over and picks it up. Attached is a NOTE reading: "Don't come in." EXT. MILLARD HIGH DAWN At the foot of the main walk to the school, Tracy and her mother are setting up a CARD TABLE covered with little pink cakes. Jim's Ford Escort chugs its way through the fog and comes to a stop. Looking like a war refugee, JIM emerges from his car carrying the gym bag and heads toward school. TRACY (chirping) Good morning, Mr. M. JIM stops, turns slowly, regards mother and daughter with a crazed, one-eyed, uncomprehending stare. TRACY (CONT'D) (holding one out) Looks like you could use a cupcake! JIM takes it wordlessly. AS he heads up the walkway, he eats it in two huge bites, like a feral animal. TRACY (CONT'D) (calling out) What's wrong with your eye? Are you OK? INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM -- DAY IN THE SHOWERS JIM scrubs himself as if to wash his whole life away. JIM (VO) Cupcakes. Jesus Christ. Cupcakes? My life was crumbling, and I was expected to care about these ungrateful kids and their pathetic little dreams. As if my only purpose in life were to serve them. JIM (mocking) Mr. McAllister. Mr. McAllister. Somebody tore down my posters. It's not fair. It's not fair. Can I have an A? Can I have a recommendation? Can I? Can I? AT THE MIRROR JIM adjusts his tie, tries to smooth his wrinkled shirt. JIM (VO CONT'D) Well, fuck them. Didn't I have my own life? Didn't I have my own dreams? He coughs up phlegm and spits it into the sink JIM (VO CONT'D) Cupcakes INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY JIM exits the BOYS' LOCKER ROOM door and bumps into Mr. Beckman. MR. BECKMAN Hey, Jim. Big day today JIM (putting on a smile) Oh, yeah. Big day. INT. SCHOOL OFFICE DAY MISS BEEDER of the school office is at the P.A. MICROPHONE. Walt is behind her. She looks over her shoulder, and Walt gives her the go- ahead. MISS BEEDER Attention, everyone. We have an important announcement from our principal. Dr. Hendricks. Walt gives Miss Beeder a courtesy smile and takes the mike WALT Good morning, students. It, uh, behooves me to inform you of an important change in today's elections. Effective this morning... INT. TEACHERS' OFFICES DAY BALLOT AFTER BALLOT -- as a black magic marker crosses out Tammy's name. JIM sits at his desk and carries out his absurd task. He stops and stares. His thoughts wander far, far away. WALT (OS CONT'D) . .. sophomore Tammy Metzier has been... Metzier has been determined ineligible - I repeat: ineligible -- for SGA president. You may not vote for Tammy Metzier. All other candidates are eligible. Now please pay attention to a very important, uh, audio-visual presentation. (irritated, thinking he's off) Linda, who typed this thing? I said I need all caps.... INT. TV AND MILLARD CLASSROOMS DAY CLOSE ON A TV-- mounted in the corner. An educational video is just beginning. Host CLARK NAYLOR sits on the edge of a desk in a generic office set. During the video, we cut to CLASSROOMS, where from the TV's point of view, we see the students watching: English class shop class, gym class, biology class. CLARK (ON TV) Hello, students, I'm Clark Naylor of Joslyn's Educational Resources. It's election day, and how you vote will make a big difference in the activities, events, and perhaps even the policies of your school. Over the past few days or weeks, you've heard candidates for the various offices make their speeches and tell you where they stand. You've probably seen their posters. Maybe you've even had a chance to speak with them personally. CLOSE-UPS OF STUDENTS Now replace the wider shots of classrooms. Photographed as though from a Soviet propaganda film, some students look up nobly and attentively, while others watch with dead eyes and open mouth, and still others goof off. CLARK (ON TV CONT'D) Well, today marks the end of campaigning, and now the spotlight turns to you. Voting is your privilege and your responsibility. Remember, no one needs to know for whom you've voted. That's between you. . . and you. An AFRICAN-AMERICAN TEENAGER walks up to Clark. CLARK (ON TV CONT'D) Now I'd like to introduce you to Tony. Tony's going to show you how to cast your vote. Are you ready, Tony? TONY (ON TV) I think s0 CLARK (ON TV) Good. Let's get started INT. MILLARD HALLWAY NEAR OF-PICE -- DAY JIM slinks down the hall and ducks into a PHONE BOOTH. He fishes change out of his pocket and dials. We hear the echo of the video emanating from all the classrooms. SHERRY'S VOICE (VO) Hi. You've reached the Novotnys. We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon. Have a nice day. JIM Are you there? Sherry, are you there? It's Jim. (suddenly angry) Why did you do that? I trusted you. Completely. You've ruined my life. Do you know that? Do you realize that? Huh? Do you? You've ruined Diane's life. You ruined my life. is that what you wanted? (recovering) I'm sorry. It's just... I'm going nuts here. Okay, all right, so... Really, I'm sorry. I just think we should talk, okay? I love you. INT. TEACHERS' OFFICES -- DAY JIM crosses out more ballots, this time with perverse intensity. JIM (VO) If only my own life could be corrected so easily, with nice fat black lines drawn neatly through my sins. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S NAME - as it is blackened. We WIPE with the motion of the magic marker to: INT. LITTLE SALLY ANN SHOP DAY SWISH! The curtain of the dressing room is drawn back, and there's Tammy. She beams and walks toward -- A THREE-PANEL MIRROR, where she takes herself in, dressed in her new Catholic schoolgirl UNIFORM. The SALESLADY converses nearby with Jo Metzier. SALESLADY And Sacred Heart is such a good school. Excellent school. The public schools are going downhill, as far as I'm concerned. JO Well, we've had good luck at Millard, but for this one it's time for a change. Tammy spins and admires the flip of the skirt. SALESLADY So what do you think? Sacred Heart has the prettiest. They have that nice hint of purple. TAMMY (lying) I hate it. JO You're just going to have to get used to it. TAMMY Please, morn. Please don't make me go to Sacred Heart. I beg you. JO (to saleslady) We'll take two. INT. MILLARD HIGH CAFETERIA DAY Makeshift POLLING BOOTHS are set up just outside the cafeteria. Behind two tables sit TWO TEACHERS who cross out voters' names on big master computer lists. Tracy stands in line, not-so-patiently waiting her turn. TRACY (VO) When the time came to cast our votes, I stood in line just like everyone else. She finally reaches the front of the line. TEACHER Hi, Tracy TRACY Tracy Enid Flick. TEACHER I know. Tracy goes into a VOTING BOOTH and quickly hands her ballot. sophomore PHIL CHOY stands nearby with his CAMERA. TRACY Phil you ready? PHIL Ready. Tracy exits the booth and heads toward the BALLOT BOX. She inserts her ballot halfway and freezes, smiling. Phil snaps a picture, but - PHIL Just a second. My flash. Tracy remains perfectly still while Phil fiddles with his camera. A STUDENT stands behind her, waiting to put his ballot in the box. STUDENT Come on, Tracy. TRACY (through her smile) Just wait. FLASH! Phil gets his shot and Tracy drops her ballot in. TRACY Thanks, Phil. On her way out Tracy passes Paul at the end of the line. He gives her an enthusiastic THUMBS UP. PAUL Way to go, Tracy! Isn't this exciting? TRACY (awkward) Yeah. PAUL Hell, good luck! TRACY (reluctant) Good luck to you too, Paul. PAUL Thanks! INT. VOTING BOOTH Paul scans his ballot, struggles with his decision. PAUL (VO) It's so weird. DO people always just vote for themselves? 'Cause looking at my own name on the ballot, I just... I don't know, I just felt like it's not right to vote for yourself. THE BALLOT - as Paul's pen puts an "X" next to the name "Tracy Flick INT. MILLARD HALLWAYS DAY THE BALLOT BOX is being carried through the halls and up some stairs by Larry Fouch and three other STUDENT COUNCIL MEMBERS. The music suggests the weighty importance of its contents and the sacred mission of its bearers. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM - DAY JIM is hunkered over his desk. He's a wreck: dark, dark circles under his eyes; his hair didn't dry right -- frizzy here, matted there. And he's near tears. Larry Fouch and his retinue enter cheerfully LARRY Okay, Mr. M. Larry drops the ballot box on Jim's desk JIM What? Right. So let's start counting. LARRY Well, I thought that... well, the way it always works is that SGA president does a count, then the SGA advisor, you know, for the two independent counts. JIM Fine. So do your count. Start with president, and I'll be right back. LARRY You have the key, Mr. McAllister. JIM doesn't understand at first, then JIM Right. I know. JIM proceeds to sort through his cluttered desk drawers but can't seem to find the key. The council members exchange concerned looks as Jim's search becomes frenzied. LARRY Are you okay, Mr. M.? ANOTHER STUDENT What happened to your eye? JIM I'm fine. It's just a bee sting, a simple little everyday bee sting. Some people, they get stung, it's no big deal. Me, I swell up. Okay? JIM emerges from the drawer wielding a VISE GRIP. He goes to the box and TEARS the entire hardware assembly off. Holding the mangled lock, he turns to the students, who look back STUNNED. JIM (CONT'D) I just want to get this over with, so we can have the assembly and go home. We don't have much time until eighth period. I have other things going on, too, you know. LARRY Okay. Yeah. We know JIM All right. I'll be back INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE SCHOOL OFFICE DAY JIM slinks up to a PAY PHONE, inserts a coin, dials SHERRY'S VOICE (cheery) Hi. You've reached the Novotnys. We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon. Have a nice day. JIM it's me again. I'm sorry for all the calls. But Sherry, if I could just hear your voice, if you'd only acknowledge that I... SHERRY (OS) (picking up phone) What do you want, Jim? JIM You're there. SHERRY (OS) Yeah. I'm here. JIM Sherry... I love you. SHERRY (OS) (loud exhale) Don't say that. You know it's not true. JIM It's the only true thing I know anymore. SHERRY (OS) We made a mistake. Let's not make it worse. JIM A mistake? That was no mistake. SHERRY (OS) I was lonely. You took advantage JIM Me? I took advantage of you? You hugged me! You kissed me! You're the one who -- CLICK. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY It's PASSING PERIOD, and the halls are jammed with students at their lockers and walking to class. JIM is walking quickly back to his classroom. He passes Paul. PAUL Hey, Mr. M. Big day, huh? Jim doesn't even hear. INT. CLASSROOM DAY Larry is just finishing his count. The ballots are on a desk in front of him, neatly organized into three piles. JIM enters. JIM (impatient) What d'you got? LARRY I'm not supposed to tell. Not until you've counted too. We're each supposed to make an independent count. JIM You're kidding, right? LARRY I thought those were the rules, Mr. McAllister. If they've changed in any way -- JIM Larry, we're not electing the fucking Pope here. Just tell me who won. Jim's use of profanity scares Larry, and he responds reluctantly LARRY It's a squeaker, Mr. M. I've got Tracy by a vote. Just one vote. Jim, who hasn't cared about any of this today, suddenly takes note. He stares blankly at Larry as the news sinks in. LARRY (CONT'D) Mr. M.? JIM Huh. Okay. Well, I guess I'd better do my count. Jim-scoops up the three piles of ballots and takes them to his desk. INT. HISTORY CLASS DAY CLOSE ON DALE - a junior honors student. He is thinking. The wheels are turning, grinding. Finally -- DALE Sputnik. MR. FLAGG is lecturing, really trying to make history come alive. Tracy takes notes, but she is noticeably distracted. MR. FLAGG Right. And what year was that? DALE 1958? MR. FLAGG Almost. 1957. So the point here is when we found out about Sputnik, we got really scared. It seemed like no matter what we had and kept secret, they could develop it too. A-bombs, h-bombs, rocket ships. And this time we were behind them. So -- February 1961, Kennedy tells Congress and the American people he wants to go to the moon. May 1961, the Apollo program is announced... Tracy just can't take it anymore. She abruptly stands up, takes the GIANT HALL PASS off the lip of the blackboard, and starts to leave. Mr. Flagg gives her a small nod. INT. RAILWAY DAY Tracy nears a room, a special room. She slows down and peeks in the window of the door. She sees -- LARRY FOUCH sitting at the back of the classroom, staring front. Tracy presses her face to see what Larry is staring at -- JIM at his desk counting ballots LARRY catches sight of Tracy in the window. TRACY crosses her fingers by her ears and gives a questioning look LARRY sneaks a guilty look at Jim, absorbed in his counting. Then, against his better judgment flashes Tracy a quick, furtive double THUMBS-UP. TRACY suddenly disappears from the window. IN THE EMPTY HALLWAY - Tracy pogos with unbridled joy TRACY (VO) You know that moment when they announce the winner of a beauty pageant? When Miss Texas or whoever suddenly realizes she's Miss America, and all she can do is scream and weep and hug the losers? I had my moment in the hallway that Tuesday afternoon with no one to hug but myself. She pulls herself together enough to peek through the window of the OTHER DOOR to Jim's classroom, the window behind which JIM is still busily doing his count. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY JIM counts out the last of the ballots, mouthing the numbers to himself. JIM (VO) I was at the end of my count when it happened. I'd come up with exactly the same numbers as Larry: Tracy had won the election by a single vote, 256 to 257. I was about to announce my tally when... JIM looks up and sees TRACY in the window, her face exploding with joy. She FREEZES. We move closer to Jim in SLOW-MOTION. What actually occurs in a split-second is suspended in time JIM (VO CONT'D) The sight of Tracy at that moment affected me in a way I can't fully explain. Part of it was that she was spying, but mostly it was her face. Looking at her, you might think she was a sweet, innocent teenage girl. But she wasn't sweet. And she wasn't innocent. She was selfish and cynical and ambitious and thought nothing of destroying the lives of others to get to the top. who knew how high she would climb in life, how many people would suffer because of her? I had to stop her now. Tracy UNFREEZES and darts out of sight. JIM glances at Larry. Larry is writing in a notebook. JIM'S HAND creeps up from his lap and onto the pile of TRACY VOTES. His fingers nimbly count two ballots and pull them off the desk. JIM coughs as beneath his desk he CRUMPLES THE BALLOTS into a ball and drops them into the wastepaper basket. JIM Larry? LARRY (looking up) Yeah? JIM I think we've got a problem. INT. WALT HENDRICKS'S OFFICE DAY Walt is just finishing counting the ballots on his desk. Larry and JIM stand over him. WALT 253... 254... 255. I get the same as you Jim. Looks like Paul's our president. LARRY No way I It doesn't make sense. WALT Sorry. My figures work out exactly the same as Jim's. 256 for Paul, 255 for Tracy. LARRY And 290 "disregards," right? WALT If you say so. JIM Mostly Tammy fans LARRY See, it doesn't add up. There are only 801 ballots but 803 people voted. Two votes are missing. Check the register. JIM He's right. Two people must have pocketed their ballots. Usually it's more. LARRY But, they were there I counted 803 votes. JIM It happens, Larry. People make mistakes. LARRY I didn't make a mistake. Every vote was there when you sac down WALT Whoa! Easy, Fouch. I don't like where you're going. LARRY I'm telling you. Dr. Hendricks, every vote was accounted for. JIM (stern) Larry? We've got twenty-five minutes until the assembly, and we still have to do counts for VP, Treasurer and Secretary. Mr. Hendricks and I have both verified the numbers, and unless you can come up with the ballots you claim are missing - LARRY But, Mr. M. - WALT Fouch, that's enough! End of story. INT. MILLARD HIGH GYMNASIUM -- DAY AN ASSEMBLY - The students are taking their seats on the bleachers. ON THE FLOOR are all the candidates: three for secretary, two for treasurer, one for vice-president, two for president. PAUL AND TRACY sit side-by-side. Paul seems a little overwhelmed by the whole thing. Tracy leans over and offers her hand. TRACY Paul, I just want you to know that no matter how this turns out, you've run a wonderful campaign. It's been fun competing with you. PAUL Yeah, you too, Tracy. I'm just glad it's over. TRACY Yeah. CLOSE ON PAUL PAUL (VO) You know, I don't understand why everybody bad-mouthed Tracy all the time. She was always super- nice to me. JIM approaches the microphone JIM If we could get started. People! Once the winners are announced, we can all go home, okay? The students quiet down JIM (CONT'D) Some contests are so well fought that is seems unfair for someone to win and someone to lose. I think that's the case with all the candidates you see before you today. All of them are highly qualified and embody the, uh, the integrity we expect from our school leadership. OS TRACY - Jim's voice momentarily recedes. TRACY (VO) Act surprised. Walk slowly to the podium. Be modest. Thank them for this incredible honor. JIM That said, the whole point of an election is to choose winners, and that you have done. We'll begin with president. JIM pulls a folded paper from his back pocket JIM (CONT'D) Let me add that this was an extraordinarily close race. It's my pleasure to announce the next president of Millard High School. Tracy just can't wait. Smiling, she STANDS UP. JIM Paul Metzier! The crowd breaks into applause -- and laughter ON TRACY - AS she sits, her smile belies her horror and humiliation Paul begins his acceptance speech. We cut alternately to a thrilled Lisa; a stunned Tracy, tears forming at the corners of her eyes; and to JIM, who watches the events with shifty eyes, his mouth dry and tasting of metal. PAUL Geez, you guys, thanks a lot. I mean, wow, thanks. I promise to do my best and really do a good job and be a good president. And I want to thank Lisa Flanagan for being a super campaign manager. And I just want to say that I think Tracy would have made a great president too and that she really deserves a big hand. The auditorium erupts into applause and whistles, and JIM takes the microphone again. JIM And now, for vice-president. EXT. COCO'S BAKERY/RESTAURANT DUSK In the growing darkness, the restaurant radiates its distinctive orange glow. The parking lot is nearly empty. INT. COCO'S BAKERY/RESTAURANT DUSK JIM sits alone at a booth by the window, finishing a slice of berry pie. He gets the attention of a WAITRESS and holds up his coffee cup. JIM Could I get a...? As JIM gets his warm-up, in walk the Metziers: Paul, Dick and Jo. JIM notices them as they wait to be seated. He wishes he were invisible. As a PERKY HOSTESS leads the family to a table, Paul spots Jim. Here it comes. PAUL Wow! Mr. McAllister! This is so wild. We came to celebrate my victory, and I can't believe it. Here, these are my parents. JIM stands up awkwardly. DICK METZLER (extending his hand) Hi. Dick Metzier. My wife -- PAUL This is great. JIM (extending his hand) JIM McAllister. JO METZLER (extending her hand) JO Metzier. You know, Paul just thinks the world of you. Oh, if you could just hear him... DICK Yeah, say, apparently you've really come behind him, really helped him out there with the student council thing and all. PAUL I never would have ran if it wasn't for Mr. M. JIM Paul doesn't need any of my help. He's going places. You should be very proud. JO We are DICK Having a problem with your eye there? JO Dick. JIM Just a bee sting. DICK You ought to get that looked at. Shot of cortisone or something. JIM Thanks, I'll be fine. DICK Anyway, we're awful sorry about what went on with our other one, you know, our Tammy. JO We were mortified... JIM Oh, she's not a bad girl. She'll come around. JO ... but we've had some good talks, and I think we're sorting things out. We're starting her at Sacred Heart in the fall. JIM Good school. DICK Say, you're all alone, why don't you join us? PAUL Yeah! JIM Oh, no. No. I'm just finishing up here, and I've got to get home. PAUL (to his parents) Why don't you guys go sit down, okay? I'll catch up in a minute? I want to talk to Mr. M. about some important stuff. DICK All right. Well, sure nice to meet you. JO So nice JIM You bet. The Metziers go, and- Paul slides in across from Jim. PAUL So, Mr. M, I was starting to think about ideas for next year. I was thinking it would be cool to have, like a carnival. With rides. And, you know, it could be for, like. Muscular Dystrophy. JIM tries to smile and seem attentive, but we sense his profound fatigue and his profound sadness. PAUL (CONT'D) And on Halloween we could have a haunted house. But a really good haunted house, not like those cheesy bad ones. You know, more like the radio station ones. This one would be really scary. And for Homecoming -- well, you know how last year's theme was - JIM Paul... Paul.... We'll have plenty of time to get into all this later. A whole year, in fact. Right now I just need to finish my pie and get home. PAUL Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. The wind out of his sails, Paul gets up and is about to go when PAUL (CONT'D) Just one more thing. So, Mr. M., uh, do you think Tracy's going to be okay? I saw her face after the assembly, and I think she's taking it pretty hard. JIM Don't worry about Tracy. She'll be fine. INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM NIGHT CLOSE ON TRACY - her face drained and pallid, her eyes red and bleary: she is exhausted from crying. TRACY One vote... one vote She falls again headlong again into the throes of despair. Her mouth contorts into a rictus of agony, and there issues an almost feral cry of pain. Her anguish grows convulsive. Barbara Flick comes in and sits on the bed. She's carrying a PRESCRIPTION BOTTLE and a glass of milk. BARBARA Why don't you take a couple of my pills, darling? You'll feel better. Tracy takes the pills and sips the milk weakly. Her mother kisses her. BARBARA (CONT'D) Don ' t worry. .. don ' t worry. . . sshhhhh... that's it, baby... that's it, darling. Everything's going to be fine. She lays Tracy on the bed, and Tracy begins to quiet. Barbara kisses her again and rises to leave. At the door she pauses to add a few final words of comfort. BARBARA (CONT'D) Maybe you needed more posters, honey. Or if you'd taken my suggestions about your speech. I don't know. We'll figure it out. EXT. MCAILISTER HOME NIGHT JIM stands at his own back door, beaten and ashamed. He lifts a hand and knocks. After a moment the door opens, and there is Diane. JIM Diane, I... Diane looks at JIM in silence. Her face reveals nothing, but there is a deadness in her eyes. After a moment, she turns back inside, leaving the door open. JIM follows his wife inside, closes the door. The camera moves to peek in the kitchen window, from where we watch JIM and Diane but cannot make out anything they say. JIM (VO) I don't know how Diane and I made it through that night, but we did. Our marriage had gone right to the brink, but in the end I guess it was saved by one simple fact: we truly loved each other. So we made a commitment to begin the painful process of piecing our lives back together. The worst was over; the mistakes of the past were behind us. INT. MILLARD HIGH JIM'S CLASSROOM -- NIGHT A WASTE BASKET peeks out from under Jim's desk. We hear a distinctive rhythmic squeak, and a shadowy head appears in the window. Keys jingle. The door opens, and Lowell turns on the lights. He approaches the waste basket and slides it out. EXT. MILLARD HIGH TRACK DAY FROM OVERHEAD - JIM circles the track. ON THE GROUND -- JIM does pushups. Then sit-ups. JIM (VO) The next day held the promise of a new beginning. After all, what harm had really been done? No one was dead. INT. MILLARD OFFICE DAY Now all clean and refreshed and whistling a merry tune, JIM pops in to check his box, giving a wave to Miss Seeder. JIM Hi, Linda. JIM continues to whistle as he looks through his mail. JIM (VO CONT'D) Life would go on, and I would certainly be a stronger and wiser person from the experience. MISS BEEDER Uh, Jim? JIM Hmm? MISS BEEDER Walt needs to see you. JIM Oh. Okay. Still absorbed in his papers, JIM heads over to Walt's door. INT. WALT'S OFFICE CONTINUOUS JIM You rang? JIM stops cold. Walt is not alone. Barbara Flick and a bleary-eyed Tracy are there. So are Larry Fouch, Ron Bell, and Lowell the janitor. Prominently displayed on Walt's desk are TWO CRINKLED BALLOTS. JIM takes an eternal few seconds to absorb what is happening. WALT Mr. McAllister, I hope you can help us clear something up. BARBARA Look at his face! He knows he's been caught. Look at his face! (to Jim) Your ass is grass, Mister! LARRY You said I was a liar You're the liar, you're the -- WALT Larry, you just take it easy All turn and stare at Jim. Come to think of it, he does look awfully guilty. INT. SPANISH CLASS-- DAY MS. HOY leads the class in recitation. Paul responds along with his companeros. MS. HOY Yo -- CLASS pierdo. MS. HOY Tu CLASS pierdes. MS. HOY El/ella - CLASS pierde. A STUDENT AIDE enters the classroom and hands a note to the teacher, who upon reading the note looks up at Paul MS. HOY Senor presidente? The class laughs fondly. Paul looks around, beaming with embarrassment and pride. MS. HOY (CONT'D) Quieren verte en la oficina. PAUL Huh? INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Paul walks down the hall, a bounce in his step on this fine spring morning. PAUL Senor presidente. Yo soy senor presidente... El grande presidente... PAUL (VO) I don't know why, but finding out there was a mistake and I hadn't won the election after all didn't bother me that much. Winning had seemed kind of unreal anyway. I guess I should have voted for myself. Oh, well. Paul reaches the -- INT. SCHOOL OFFICE CONTINUOUS and enters Walt's office. Everyone is there WALT (standing up) Take a seat, son. We've got something hard to tell you. PAUL Is Tammy okay? WALT She's okay. It's about the election. Walt closes the door in our faces. We hold on the door. JIM (VO) After Paul got the bad news, Walt asked for a few minutes alone with me. It was very simple, really. I offered my resignation, and he accepted. Very quietly, it was all over for JIM McAllister at Millard High - twelve years of hard work down the drain. The door opens revealing that only wait and JIM remain. The office staff is hushed as JIM the Zombie Cyclops emerges into the office and walks somberly toward Miss Boeder. His voice quavers at half-volume. JIM Walt will be speaking with you about this, but I need you to find someone to take over my classes. The lesson plans for the rest of the year are in my top right drawer. MISS BEEDER Okay, Jim. I understand. JIM Thanks. Well. I'm going home now. EXT. HILLARD HIGH (REAR PROJECTIOH) -- DAY As JIM moves toward the parking lot, the school recedes in an odd REAR PROJECTION that suggests he is floating. The MUSIC here reinforces the gravity of the moment, the inevitability of his fate. JIM stops walking, and a disembodied STEEPING WHEEL floats into his hands. The scene behind changes to: INT./EXT. JIM'S CAR REAR PROJECTION - DAY The city passing by outside is another strange REAR PROJECTION. JIM grips the floating steering wheel and makes turns wildly out-of-sync with the background. JIM (VO) I don't remember driving home, or much of anything that happened in the next few days. JIM lets go of the steering wheel, and it drifts away. JIM turns his back to camera to face - INT. MCALLISTER HOUSE (REAR PROJECTIOH) -- DAY JIM drifts toward his house, and it absorbs him through the front door. INT. MCALLISTER LIVING ROOM - DAY We're no longer in rear-projection land: reality has caught up with Jim. As he walks across the room, he strips off his shirt, shoes, socks, and finally pants. Left only in his underwear, he walks through the house and out into the - EXT. MCALLISTER BACKYARD DAY and flops down in the grass, facing the sky. JIM (VO CONT'D) There were news stories in the paper and on television, former students calling with their support, endless hours of doing nothing, thinking nothing. A shadow falls over Jim's face, and a hand offers him a glass of iced tea. Grateful, JIM takes it, and looks up at - DIANE, her head blocking the sun. JIM (VO CONT'D) Diane stood by me through the entire humiliating ordeal, in a way, it sort of evened things out between us. Diane leaves. JIM looks up at the sky. JIM (VO CONT'D) Soon school was over, and summer stretched out in front of me as it always had. Funny how the rhythm of the school year remains ingrained in you for life. in mid-June we found out Diane was pregnant. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear the opening bars of a bouncy TIJUANA BRASS SONG. EXT. METZLER CEMENT PLANT NIGHT PAUL IS DANCING, twisting to the music at a PARTY, a giant grin on his face, a big sombrero with tassels on his head. Behind him we can see an enormous illuminated GRAVEL CONVEYOR. SUPER-IMPOSED: "ONE YEAR LATER." PAUL (VO) Senior year was great I Sure, I didn't get to play ball or be president, but I got elected homecoming king and prom king anyway. I got into Nebraska like I wanted and early-rushed Phi Delts. At the end of the year me and my buddies threw a hitching Mexican party down at the cement plant. Shit, that was a good party. That was a good party! LATER -- Paul is at a KEG, pumping it up and serving himself a beer. He takes a sip, seems to grow pensive. PAUL (VO CONT'D) The only really bad thing about senior year was Lisa. Right before Christmas she dumped me. One minute she's totally in love with me and then boom she's going out with my football buddy Randy. Paul looks over at LISA dancing suggestively with RANDY Paul looks sad, takes another gulp, waves at unseen friends. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I'd actually won the election. Maybe my whole life would be different. Like I might never have gone to Yosemite with Greg and Travis. Paul takes a BIG GULP and looks into camera. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Or maybe I'd be dead. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear a distinctive AIRY HISS. INT. SACRED HEART BATHROOM DAY Tammy takes a big toke off a JOINT. TAMMY (VO) Catholic school was great! Tammy and JENNIFER, a Sacred Heart schoolmate, are jammed into a bathroom stall. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I mean, the teachers kind of sucked, and they were supposedly way more strict, but you could get away with murder. Tammy hands off the doob to Jennifer, who takes a huge hit. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) The best thing about Sacred Heart was meeting Jennifer. Jennifer looks at Tammy. Tammy looks at Jennifer JENNIFER MONTAGE - accompanied by the early '70's song, "Jennifer." SUPER-8 style glimpses of Tammy and Jennifer in the Sacred Heart hallways, Jennifer in the park, Jennifer dancing in Tammy's room, and finally, Jennifer SWINGING. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) All those feelings I had for Lisa were just preparing me for the real thing. Jennifer and I are soul mates, and we're never, ever, ever going to be apart. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear the MURMUR of a small crowd, interrupted by the BANG, BANG, BANG of a GAVEL. TRACY (VO) Senior year was very productive for me and full of personal achievement. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL OFFICE DAY Tracy officiates a MEETING. Next to her at the head table is Jerry Raynor and other council members. TRACY Order. Order. Order I Can we vote on this? Those in favor. TRACY (VO) On top of a very successful student council year, I got into Cornell like I wanted, with scholarships, and I was in the top 7th percentile of my graduating class. TRACY Approved EXT. PARK DAY Tracy walks along the edge of a pond on this overcast day, Her arms are crossed, and she wears an oversized woolen sweater. Wind blows softly through her hair. TRACY (VO CONT'D) But sometimes I got lonely, and I'd think about Dave. I missed our talks. Maybe it could have worked out between us. I don't know. INT. REAL VALU HARDWARE DAY Wearing the red vest and "Ask me" button of a Real Valu foot soldier, Dave stands above a case of SPRAY PAINT. He is stamping prices on every cap. TRACY (VO CONT'D) I wonder what he's doing now. Maybe he finally finished his novel INT. MILLARD CAFETERIA - DAY It's ANNUAL distribution time, and crowd of excited students are lined up to get their precious book of memories. Many have already received theirs and are crowded around dining tables, gleefully exchanging bans mots. Tracy takes her annual and quickly opens it to the INDEX. CLOSE ON TRACT'S NAME - followed by a whopping list of page references TRACY (VO) When the yearbooks came out, I was on almost every page. EXT. MILLARD PARKING LOT - DAY Tracy walks outside hugging her yearbook and sees PAUL AT HIS TRUCK, surrounded by supplicants. Tracy stops for a moment and watches. She gathers her courage and heads toward him. Paul doesn't even notice her, so occupied is he with his friends and admirers. TRACY Paul, will you sign my yearbook? PAUL Sure, Tracy. Paul takes the book, efficiently finds the page with his picture, and goes to work. TRACY Can I sign yours too? PAUL Oh, yeah, sure. (to a friend) Hey Nolan, give my book to Tracy when you're done* Nolan finishes and hands the book over. Tracy turns to the front pages and finds them completely filled, as are the end pages. Now she looks for her picture. When she finds it, it's almost completely obscured by part of some ASSWIPE 'S long, illegible, exclamation point-filled message. Finally, she locates an available space and begins to write. TRACY (VO) I thought very carefully about what to write. Because despite everything that had happened with the election, I really wished him well. I even signed it... CLOSE ON - Tracy writing: "Love, Tracy" beneath her inscription Tracy takes Paul's book back to him. He's already working on another annual and barely looks up when he swaps with her. PAUL Thanks, Tracy. Tracy starts to walk away and Paul stops her PAUL (CONT'D) Hey, Tracy I.. She turns around expectantly TRACY Yes, Paul? PAUL Have a great summer. And good luck at college. TRACY (genuinely moved) Thanks. You too. It was great working with you. Tracy opens the book as she walks and stops when she finds AN ALMOST BLANK PAGE with Paul's puny inscription at the bottom: Have a great Summer! Good luck at college Paul Metzier' INT. TRACY'S ROOM DAY Tracy looks at herself in a mirror, as though dispassionately assessing her own face. Then she begins to put on lipstick. TRACY (VO) After graduation, I don't know. ; somehow felt empty inside. I guess high school just seemed so meaningless now and I couldn't wait to get out of Omaha. Next year I was going to make all new friends. Smarter, more ambitious friends. It was time to move on. There was nothing left for roe here. I just had one more thing to take care of. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK comes the sound of a BUSY COMMERCIAL STREET. JIM (VO) After two months of sitting on my ass and two months helping out at my brother-in-law's travel agency... EXT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY A standard-issue car dealership: banner-draped lot, glass enclosed showroom. JIM (VO CONT'D) ...I landed a position at a Saturn dealership. INT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY All those cars and that new-car SMELL IN HIS CUBICLE JIM is typing at his desk across from a 55-ish MALE CUSTOMER. JIM (VO CONT'D) I never thought I'd end up selling cars, but it's not so bad. I like the Saturn philosophy -- it really is a different kind of company. A FRAMED SNAPSHOT on Jim's desk shows Diane and him with the LITTLE ONE. JIM (VO CONT'D) I'm just relieved to have a steady income now that there are three of us. INT./EXT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY QUICK MONTAGE OUTSIDE ON THE LOT JIM saunters toward a client reading stickers. INSIDE THE DEALERSHIP JIM explains features of a CROSS-SECTIONED SATURN THE CLIENT IS IN A DRIVER'S SEAT while JIM leans in from the opposite window, pointing out dashboard features. JIM (VO) Actually, it wasn't so difficult making the transition from teaching to selling. It's like I tell my customers: my role is just to educate people so they can make informed decisions. THE GLASS DOORS TO THE SHOWROOM OPEN, and JIM watches a satisfied customer drive slowly away in a new Saturn Twin Cam. JIM (VO CONT'D) When I send someone home with a new unit, I feel a genuine sense of pride. INT. GRIFFITH SATURN EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM DAY The room consists of mismatched sofas and chairs around a coffee table. There's a TV that no one watches. Sleeves rolled up and tie loosened, JIM eats a sandwich next to TWO OTHER SALESMEN and a FEMALE ACCOUNTANT who like him are eating lunch and watching TV. NO one speaks. JIM (VO CONT'D) So that's about it. Maybe I'll get back to teaching someday, but for the time being, I guess I'm pretty happy where I'm at. A SALESMAN pokes his head in the door. SALESMAN (to Jim) Hey, Professor. There's a young gal out here asking for you. JIM Oh JIM chews quicker and wipes his mouth as he stands up, straightens his tie. SALESMAN (low, as JIM passes) She's a real hot tamale. INT. SHOWROOM DAY JIM walks among the shiny new cars and sees the back of an attractive young woman in a red dress and heels. She turns around: it's Tracy. JIM is truly surprised. TRACY Hello, Mr. M. JIM Hello, Tracy. JIM waits for Tracy to lead the way, but she doesn't JIM (CONT'D) So what brings you here? TRACY I'm looking at new cars. JIM Oh. New cars. I see. Well, you came to the right place TRACY My mother's buying me a new car for college. JIM Huh. Right. College. Wow. Where are you going? Where 'd you get into? TRACY Well, I got in everywhere I applied, but Cornell is my first choice. JIM Good for you. Good for you An uncomfortable pause. JIM shifts gears. JIM (CONT'D) So, are you looking for something sporty or more practical? TRACY Sporty. INT./EXT. THE SPORTY SATURN -- DAY A test drive. JIM is in the passenger seat. Tracy nears the end of the dealership's driveway. TRACY Where to? JIM Anywhere you want. (checks his watch) Just so long as we're not gone more than a half-hour. Tracy turns right. They drive a moment in silence. JIM Handles pretty good, don't you think? TRACY Yeah. JIM Plenty of pep, too. TRACY Uh-huh. JIM And this model comes with ABS and dual air bags standard. TRACY That sounds good. A silence JIM So Tracy? TRACY Yes? JIM Why are you doing this? TRACY Doing what? JIM Coming to see me. Are you trying to. . humiliate me? TRACY Nooo. I just thought... l mean, I am looking for a new car. But I just thought, well, I'm going away soon, and you'll be stuck here and, I don't know, I just think maybe if things had been different we might have been, well, friends. Real friends. And then things would be different. Don't you think? JIM just looks at Tracy - it's so very odd JIM Well, I... I... that's very nice of you. TRACY (excited) I've got an idea. Tracy suddenly signals and takes a right. EXT. OMAHA STREET -- DAY Tracy and JIM and the Saturn zoom by. INT./EXT. SATURN -- DAY Tracy takes a corner and pulls to a stop in front of a modest middle class house. JIM What's this? TRACY My house. Tracy sets the parking brake. Jim's eyes register a suppressed panic. JIM I don't understand. What's the deal? Tracy looks deeply into Jim's eyes. TRACY I want you to do something for me. JIM Swallows, unsure what heaven or hell awaits him. TRACY (getting out) I just have to get something. I'll be right back. Tracy heads toward the house. JIM sits and waits. He scans Tracy's house, notices the chipped and peeling paint, the rusting lawn furniture, the bowed porch steps. NOW TRACY opens the door and gets in. She carries her YEARBOOK and gives it to Jim. JIM Oh, is this...? (thumbing through it) God. First one of these I haven't been in for a long time. TRACY Would you sign it for me? Tracy reaches over the parking brake and flips the yearbook to the blank pages at the beginning. JIM What a surprise. TRACY Take as much room as you want JIM removes a pen from his breast pocket and uncaps it. He considers what to write. TRACY (CONT'D) I'm scared, Mr. M. I kind of don't feel ready for college. JIM You'll be fine. TRACY I hope so JIM You will. CLOSE ON JIM He looks at the yearbook. He looks at Tracy. He looks out the windshield. It's all so odd. CLOSE ON THE BLANK PAGE JIM begins to write: "Dear Tracy,"ELECTION by Alexander Payne & JIM Taylor Third Draft July 22,1997 Based on the novels by Tom Perotta EXT. MILLARD HIGH -- DAWN The school stretches out before us, slumbering in the overcast morning air. Along the front sidewalk, a lone JANITOR trundles a garbage bin filled with overstuffed hefty bags. A weathered FORD ESCORT pulls into the empty PARKING LOT and comes to a stop near the athletic field. A TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE - TRACY (VO) None of this would have happened if Mr. McAllister hadn't meddled the way he did. He should have just accepted things as they are instead of trying to interfere with destiny. You see, you can't interfere with destiny. That's why it's destiny. And if you try to interfere, the same thing's going to happen anyway, and you'll just suffer. JIM MCALLISTER, a teacher in his mid to late-thirties, emerges from the car in running clothes and carrying a briefcase, gym bag, and coffee mug. On his way to the field, he crosses paths with the janitor. JIM Morning, Lowell Lowell nods, hoists a bag and tosses it into a dumpster. EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD -- DAWN JIM CIRCLES THE TRACK, sweating and panting. ON THE GROUND JIM does sit ups JIM Twenty-one... twenty-two. He collapses onto his back. His head rolls to one side, and he glances past the fence at -- THE PARKING LOT Where a second CAR is just arriving. JIM watches as TRACY FLICK, a junior, and her MOTHER get out. The mother helps remove a CARD TABLE and a big plastic sack from the trunk before Tracy heads toward the school. MOTHER (distant) Good luck! JIM turns his gaze toward the sky, closes his eyes, sighs. INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM -- DAY Naked in the showers, JIM pumps liquid soap from the wall- mounted metal dispenser. INT. HILLARD HALL DAY THE LEGS OF A CARD TABLE - as Tracy spreads them open and locks them into place. STICKS OF GUM from a Plen-T-Pack are emptied into a FISHBOWL- SCOTCH TAPE is wrapped around the end of a pen to attach a piece of string INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM DAY AT THE MIRROR JIM adjusts the knot of his tie, notices a little shaving cream in his ear. INT. MILLARD HALL DAY FOUR CLIPBOARDS with pens and lined sheets of paper are being placed in a row like little soldiers. The top of every sheet reads "Tracy Flick for President: Official Nomination Signatures." INT. FACULTY LOUNGE -- MORNING AT THE REFRIGERATOR JIM tries to place his lunch inside, but the shelves are too crammed with old take-out containers. He opens one and smells it. Disgusted, he drags a garbage can over and begins throwing things away. Lowell appears in the doorway wheeling his squeaky maintenance cart and watches JIM conduct his purge as A CHINESE FOOD BOX misses the can and rolls on the floor. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY Tracy is seated behind her card table strategically placed near the school's main entrance. A sign taped to the wall behind her reads, TRACY FOR PREZ. SIGN UP FOR TOMORROW, TODAY! She checks her watch, readies herself. JIM walks around the corner whistling vaguely. TRACY Good morning, Mr. McAllister. JIM Not wasting any time, are you, Tracy? TRACY (chirping) You know what they say about the early bird. JIM Yes, I do. An awkward moment passes between them. JIM Well, good luck there, Tracy TRACY Thanks, Mr. M. AS JIM turns and walks away, Tracy watches him. He stops and picks up some litter, tosses it in a nearby garbage can. TRACY (VO) No matter what he says, Mr. McAllister had it out for me from the start. Oh sure, he was all smiles and good wishes and everything, but underneath he was just as unfair and petty as anybody else. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY Alone in his room, JIM studies the Omaha World-Herald TRACY (VO CONT'D) He'll probably tell you how committed he was to teaching and democracy and integrity and all. Don't be fooled. After laying the paper down to circle an article, JIM leans back in his chair and momentarily loses himself in thought. JIM (VO) It's hard to remember how the whole thing started, the whole election mess. What I do remember is that I loved my job. I was a teacher, an educator, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Suddenly a VOICE -- VOICE (OS) Hey, Mr. M. Mr. M.! JIM glances OUT THE WINDOW and sees a kid -- PAUL METZLER -- pointing at him. Paul walks with a LIMP. Behind him, other STUDENTS approach the school. PAUL Stop daydreaming! Get back to work! JIM enjoys the affectionate joshing and gives the kid a wave. He returns to his newspaper, a contented man. JIM (VO) The students knew it wasn't just a job for me. EXT. MILARD HIGH FOOTBALL STADIUM -- NIGHT JIM sits in the bleachers, clapping his hands over his head. JIM C'mon, wolverines! Defense! Let's hold 'em back! JIM (VO) I got involved. And I cared. INT. MILLARD GYM DAY AT A PEP RALLY - JIM is dressed as a WESTERN VILLAIN, and his black hat reads "Lincoln South." With a menacing grimace he approaches a group of FOOTBALL PLAYERS at a poker table. JIM (VO CONT'D) And I think I made a difference. A CORNER OF THE SCHOOL DAY JIM has a comforting hand of the shoulder of a CRYING GIRL JIM (VO CONT'D) I knew I touched the students' lives during their difficult young adult years, and I took that responsibility seriously. INT. AUDITORIUM -- NIGHT JIM trots up the stairs to receive a plaque. He beams. JIM (VO CONT'D) In the twelve years I taught U.S. History, Civics and current Events at Millard, I was voted Teacher of the Year three times - a school record. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY Mr. McAllister reads aloud from the newspaper as he paces in front of his class of high school juniors, Tracy Flick among them. The seats are arranged in a SEMI-CIRCLE. JIM (VO CONT'D) Standing in front of a room full of young people, trying to make them think that's how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, JIM slaps the newspaper for emphasis and addresses the class JIM So would this be an ethical situation or a moral situation? What's the difference between ethics and morals, anyway? Tracy shoots her hand into the air. JIM notices but keeps looking around. JIM (CONT'D) Anybody Other hands rise tentatively JIM (CONT'D) Derek DEREK Uh, ethics is like when you, uh, do what society tells you is right and morals are like, uh... JIM You're on the right track, who can help him out? DEREK ..morals are when... Tracy's hand goes higher. JIM Michelle? MICHELLE Morals are like lessons, you know, like the moral of a story; it's what you learn from a story or a fable or something. . . JIM Or a life experience. Good. And ethics? MICHELLE That's more like, urn... Ethics is how you use the morals... that you learn from a story? JIM weighs the answer, tries to be encouraging. JIM Okay. But we're still missing something key here. What are we missing? TRACY (hand still raised) I know. JIM (finally) Tracy. TRACY Ethics are... FREEZE FRAME on Tracy, her hand lowering, her mouth agape. JIM (VO) Tracy Flick. Tracy Flick. I've never met anyone quite like Tracy Flick. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM -- DAY -- ONE YEAR PREVIOUS JIM sits to one side, monitoring the student council MEETING about to convene. A younger Tracy enters briskly and, unlike her casual teen comrades, has made an attempt to dress for success. She takes a seat right up front and opens her backpack. After preparing her notepad and pen, Tracy puts a MICROCASSETTE RECORDER on the table in front of her and pushes RECORD. JIM (VO CONT'D) She first showed up in my life as a freshman delegate in student council. I'd seen a lot of ambitious students come and go over the years, but I could tell right away Tracy Flick was different. JIM observes Tracy, trying to size her up. ON TRACY -- putting all her little things in order, finally folding her hands to wait. JIM (VO CONT'D) It wasn't long before everyone knew who Tracy Flick was. She made sure of that. Her drive was astonishing. Even scary. A FAST-PACED MONTAGE BEGINS UNDER TRACY'S VOICE-OVER: INSERT HILLARD HIGH YEARBOOK It fans open to the INDEX. PAN DOWN to Tracy's name followed by countless page references TRACY (VO CONT'D) Some people say I'm an overachiever, but I think they're just jealous. A page number turns BOLD, and the other numbers drop away Suddenly we are on that page, and we PAN to a headline: "Spanish Club says Oh La!" PAN to the group shot and ZOOM in on Tracy smiling in a big SOMBRERO. TRACY (VO CONT'D) My Mom always tells me I'm different -- you know, special. And if you look at all the things I've accomplished so far, I think you'd have to agree. We see Tracy on other pages too: "Yearbook Staff goes for it!" "Junior Achievers put on the dog!" "Student Council meets the challenge;" Oklahoma's a hit! TRACY (VO CONT'D) Here I am in Oklahoma. The STILL of Tracy in Oklahoma suddenly COMES TO LIFE. INT. MILLARD HIGH AUDITORIUM NIGHT On stage, Tracy wears a cowgirl outfit and hams it up with exaggerated gestures. TRACY (off-key) I'm just a girl who can't say no... TV INSERT/INT. CAFETERIA DAY It's the closed-circuit school NEWS BROADCAST. Tracy is delivering a stand-up report from the crowded cafeteria. Her dress and makeup are an obvious if lame emulation of a professional newswoman. TRACY (VO) And here I am on KMHS, our student-run TV station. TRACY (ON TV) ..that's why Principal Hendricks made the controversial announcement that the littering must stop. Tracy Flick reporting. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL MEETING ROOM -- AFTERNOON A Student Council meeting is underway led by the president, LARRY FOUCH. A girl, ASHLEY, is speaking. JIM observes from the side. TRACY (VO) But it was in SGA, the Student Government Association, where I made my biggest mark. I never missed a meeting, and I volunteered for every committee as long as I could lead it. Before Ashley can finish, Tracy STANDS UP TRACY I agree with Ashley. We should rent the barrels at least a day beforehand. What happened last time was a travesty, I mean, we were -- LARRY FOUCH (trying to quiet her) Yeah, no, I know, Tracy. That's why we're -- Look, can we just take a vote on this? INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY BACK TO TRACY still frozen mid-sentence, waiting to finish her answer. JIM (VO) Now at the end of her junior year, Tracy was poised to win the presidency of the student body. And so far she was running unopposed. TRACY COMES BACK TO LIFE TRACY ...the rules of conduct determined by a culture at a... SHE FREEZES AGAIN JIM (VO) Oh. There's one more thing about Tracy I think you should know. INT. MILLARD STAFF-ROOM -- DAY CLOSE ON DAVE NOVOTNY, another teacher in his mid-thirties DAVE Her pussy gets so wet you can't believe it. WIDE - Dave is leaning across his desk to speak with JIM at an adjacent work area. They eat sack lunches. JIM (VO) A few months before the election, she'd had an affair with my best friend Dave Novotny. JIM Don't tell me that. I don't want to know that. DAVE She's incredible. Everything just gets soaked. INT. JIM'S BASEMENT DAY Dun-dun-DUN... Dun-dun-DUN JIM and Dave are playing the opening notes of "Foxy Lady" through cheap, distorting amps. JIM plays bass. Dave plays guitar and sings into a microphone. They're bad. As in not good. The basement is typical of a Midwest middle-class young couple -- half storage and laundry, half makeshift roc-room. JIM (VO) Dave came to Millard the year after I did, and we hit it off right away. We backed each other up in teachers' meetings and shared an interest in 60's music and micro-breweries. CLOSE ON DAVE really getting into it, playing to an unseen stadium. Behind him JIM is very careful with his chords. JIM (VO CONT'D) You could tell Dave was one of those guys who taught because they never wanted to leave high school in the first place, and that could get a little irritating sometimes, but basically he was a real good guy. DAVE (singing) Foxy. . . Foxy. . . You know you're a cute little heartbreaker... Foxy... You know you're a sweet little love maker... CAMERA DRIFTS toward the stairs leading up. INT. JIM'S KITCHEN CAMERA DRIFTS from the open basement stairway door and toward DIANE MCALLISTER and SHERRY NOVOTNY seated at the kitchen table. They are fussing over little six-month-old DARRYL NOVOTNY in his highchair. JIM (VO) Our wives became best friends too. And when Dave and Sherry's son Darryl was born, they asked us to be godparents. At a particularly grating note from downstairs, Diane gets up and closes the basement door. INT. GEOMETRY CLASS AN ISOSCELES TRIANGLE is being drawn on the blackboard and bisected. PULL OUT to reveal Dave explaining. The class is taking notes, and we zero in on a younger Tracy. TRACY (VO CONT'D) YOU probably think the worst - that Mr. Novotny was just taking advantage of one of his students, but it wasn't like that at all. Our relationship was based on mutual respect and admiration. I mean, during my sophomore year in geometry it was strictly professional between us -- I mean, nothing. EXT. GODFATHER'S PIZZA -- NIGHT The parking lot, the neon lights, the promise of good times. TRACY (VO CONT'D) It wasn't until junior year when we worked together on the yearbook that things got serious. INT. GODFATHER'S PIZZA -- NIGHT Dave and Tracy are at a booth along with six other students. TWO KIDS DISSOLVE OUT OF FRAME, and the others shift positions. Others continue to disappear in the same way, until only Dave and Tracy remain. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One night he took us editors out to celebrate after a deadline. Eventually Dave and I were left alone and we got to talking - not like teacher and student, but like two adults. DAVE You know, Tracy... I don't know how to say this, but... Dave's finger traces the rim of his frosty root beer mug. TRACY what? DAVE Well, I notice you don't seem to have any close friends at Millard. You seem to be kind of a loner. TRACY No, I'm not. I'm just really busy. DAVE I know. I know its not by choice. I just mean, well, being the kind of person you are, it must be really difficult to find someone you can talk to. TRACY What do you mean? What kind of person am I? DAVE What kind of person? Dave looks directly into her eyes. DAVE (CONT'D) Tracy, I've been watching you for going on two years now, and I think you are one of the most talented, hard-working, sensitive, attractive, brilliant students -- no, human beings -- I have ever met. I mean, you're the real thing. Special. TRACY (embarrassed, low) Thank you. DAVE And I know sometimes people like you have to pay a price for their greatness, and that price is loneliness. Tracy nods in quiet recognition. DAVE (CONT'D) I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But it seems like you might need a friend. INT. MILLARD YEARBOOK OFFICE -- DAY A DOOR with cloudy glass and a stenciled sign: YEARBOOK OFFICE. DISSOLVE through the door and TRAVEL through an empty room to discover another door with a sign that reads DARKROOM. TRACY (VO) Since I grew up without a dad, you might assume psychologically I was looking for a father figure. DISSOLVE through the darkroom door to DAVE AND TRACY bathed in red light. Tracy is sitting on Dave's lap as they make out hungrily. TRACY (VO CONT'D) But that had nothing to do with it at all. It was just that Dave was so strong and made me feel so safe and protected. INT. DAVE'S CAR -- DAY Dave drives. Tracy sits in the passenger seat. TRACY (VO CONT'D) It was the first time somebody ever saw the real me, the me that nobody else knows. DAVE (looking around) Here, get down. EXT. NOVOTKY HOUSE - DAY Dave wheels his car into the open garage. The automatic door closes behind him. INT. NOVOTHY LIVIMG ROOM Dave stands up from his squat at the STEREO, and the sexy sounds of Sade set the mood. Tracy is seated awkwardly at one end of the sofa, a Diet Dr. Pepper in one hand. Dave walks slowly toward her, a sexy, knowing look in his eye. The music is sexy. Tracy is sexy. He's sexy. Keeping his eyes locked on Tracy's, he takes the pop can from her hand and takes a sip himself. Sexy. INT. NOVOTHY STAIRCASE DAY Dave and Tracy walk up the stairs and down the hall. Dave enters the bedroom first, while Tracy pauses in the hall. His arm reaches out and pulls her inside. INT. NOVOTNY BEDROOM DAY IN QUICK TIGHT CUTS we see Dave and Tracy DISROBING Tracy's head and naked shoulders lay themselves on Dave's pillow. She looks toward the foot of the bed at -- DAVE, unable to believe his eyes. He looks at naked Tracy up and down, up and down, his breath quickening. Sade wafts up the stairs. DAVE Look at you. He descends out of frame. TRACY (VO) When I think back on my relationship with Mr. Novotny, what I miss most. is our talks. INT. DAVE'S BASEMENT DAY JIM is riveted by Dave's story; he is both horrified and titillated JIM You did it at your house? Your own house? DAVE Look, Jim... Okay. I know it all seems crazy, and maybe it did start out, you know, for the... for the sex and the danger. But now it's different. Jim, what I'm trying to tell you is that Tracy and I are totally, totally in love. JIM In love? DAVE Yeah, it's serious. I mean she inspires me in ways Sherry never has. She even wants to read my novel. JIM But you haven't written your novel. DAVE That's the whole point. It's all in my head; it's right here. I just got to get it out there. Tracy wants me to write it so she can read it. It's beautiful. JIM Dave, I'm just saying this as your friend. What you're doing is really, really wrong, and you've got to stop. Dave draws a heavy sigh and buries his head in his hands perhaps JIM has reached him. Perhaps not. DAVE You're not just jealous, are you? I mean, we both used to talk about her JIM (exploding) That was just talk! Fantasy talk! What are you, nuts? We talk about girls all the time, but it doesn't mean anything. I would never. . . I mean, I take very seriously our strict moral code. The line you've crossed is... it's illegal and it's immoral. DAVE I don't need a lecture on ethics, Jim, okay? I know what -- JIM I'm not talking about ethics. I'm talking about morals. CLICK. SQUEAK. STEP STEP STEP. SHERRY (OS) Peek-a-boo! Sherry comes down the basement stairs with Darryl in her arms. DAVE (to Jim, whispering) Look, I appreciate your concern. I really do. But like I said, I got it under control. As Sherry approaches them, Dave rises to take Darryl, the perfect father: hug, tickle, kiss. JIM (VO) I guess I don't have to tell you how all this turned out. INT. PRINCIPAL HENDRICK'S OFFICE DAY CLOSE ON DAVE slumped in a chair. He is lost in agony: all he can do is look down and draw short, gasping breaths. Principal Walt Hendricks is at his desk, examining a little BOOKLET. JIM sits on the vinyl sofa. CLOSE ON -- the small makeshift booklet whose cover reads, "There's a place for us" in overdone fancy cursive. THE SECOND PAGE shows a cutout from a travel magazine of a swanky BEACHFRONT HOTEL. One room has been circled with the words "you and me" written next to it. Below: "A time and place for us." We HEAR Walt clearing his throat, swallowing. THE THIRD PAGE has glued to it a POSTCARD showing a couple hand-in- hand on the beach at sunset and reading, "Maui is for lovers." Below: Take my hand and we'll soon be there. THE LAST PAGE has a cutout of a bouquet of flowers. It reads, "Tracy, See you in paradise? Love, your 'teacher' David. P.S. I really, really need you now." The booklet is lowered. DAVE Tracy's Mom -- she doesn't understand. WALT No, I'd say she doesn't. I don't think I've ever seen a mother quite so upset. We're all very, very lucky she doesn't want this public. Dave looks at JIM for help. JIM looks away. Dave's breaths grow more convulsive. Finally - DAVE But we're in love WALT Dave. Dave, look at me Dave looks slowly up. WALT I want you to get some help. DAVE & SHERRY'S LIVING ROOM NIGHT Sherry cradles Darryl while Dave grovels at her feet. JIM (VO) After Dave got fired, Sherry kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. SHERRY Your novel? Are you fucking kidding me? Dave follows Sherry as she takes the baby into their bedroom and slams the door in Dave's face. Dave pounds on the door, eventually sinking to his knees and crying. DAVE Sherry Sherry Sheerrry. ... JIM (VO) He ended up moving back to Milwaukee to live with his parents. I haven't heard from him in a long time. Poor guy. I warned him. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY Tracy, still frozen, THAWS OUT. Maybe now she can finish TRACY ...certain time in history and RINGGGGG Maybe not. At the bell, students instantly shut their textbooks and collect their things. JIM Okay. We'll pick up here next time Tracy is miffed as she puts her things away: slam, stuff, zip. She slings her backpack over her shoulder and heads toward the door. She looks back at -- MR. MCALLISTER who himself now FREEZES as he talks to a couple of students TRACY (VO) Now that I have more life experience, I feel sorry for Mr. McAllister. CLOSE-UP FROZEN DETAILS - of Jim's appearance - his slightly frayed collar and bad tie; the heels of his old docksiders worn down at irritating angles; the faded impression his too-big wallet has made in his khakis; his growing bald spot; his ear hairs. TRACY (VO) I mean, anyone who's stuck in the same little room saying the exact same things year after year for his whole life, wearing the same stupid clothes, while his students go on to good colleges and move to big cities and do great things and make loads of money has got to be at least a little jealous. It's like my room says - the weak always try to sabotage the strong. Tracy turns and walks out the door. INT. TRACY'S HOUSE -- DAY CLOSE ON A SMILING LITTLE TRACY - in a Sears-style portrait. PAN across a wall full of other framed photos of Tracy accepting awards, dancing in a recital, poised to dive at a swim meet. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One thing that's important to know about me is that I'm an only child. So my Mom is really devoted to me, and I love her so much. She wants me to do all the things she wanted to do in life but couldn't. AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE Tracy's mother, BARBARA FLICK, finishes a letter and puts it in an envelope. TRACY (VO CONT'D) See, Mom used to be a stewardess for Northwest and now works as a para-legal. She likes to write letters to successful women like Janet Reno and Elizabeth Dole and ask them how they got to be where they are and what advice do they have for me, Tracy, her daughter. CLOSE ON BARBARA'S TONGUE as the envelope flap slides across it. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY A politician's SMILE plastered to her face, Tracy is at her card table vigorously gathering signatures. TRACY (VO CONT'D) Nine times out of ten they say you have to hold on to your dreams no matter what. The pressures women face mean you have to work twice as hard, and you can't let anything or anyone stand in your way. A shabbily dressed BURNOUT -- DOUG SCHENKEN -- walks past and grabs a huge handful of gum. TRACY One per person! Put those back I John just keeps on walking away, and his two BUDDIES take great delight in his nimble-witted, quick retort. DOUG SCHENKEN Eat me INT. HILLARD LIBRARY -- DAY While other students sit in groups around her, Tracy sits apart at her own table, concentrated and alone. She is writing little numbers by her signatures. TRACY Ninety-seven.. .ninety-eight. TRACY (VO) But you know, winning isn't everything. If you play fair and follow all the rules thoroughly, you'll always come out ahead. Win or lose, ethical conduct is the most important thing. Just ask Mr. McAllister. EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY CLOSE ON TRACY'S EXCITED FACE TRACY Mr. McAllister? Mr. McAllister! Wait up I Jim, his tie loose and his sleeves rolled up, looks up from unlocking his car. Tracy runs toward him holding out a TERM PAPER FOLDER. TRACY I got all my signatures. One hundred and fifty-eight -- way more than I need! JIM Hey, that's super TRACY Here they are. JIM You can put those in my box. I'll look at them tomorrow. TRACY Could you approve them now? I'd like to kick off my campaign right away, you know, in the morning. JIM (resigned) Right He cursorily flips through the bound pages and offers them back to Tracy. JIM (CONT'D) Looks good to me. TRACY Aren't you supposed to keep them? JIM NO, that's fine TRACY I thought you were supposed to keep them. JIM Okay, fine. Sure JIM throws his briefcase and Tracy's folder into the backseat. TRACY Thanks for everything. JIM You bet. Tracy stays put as JIM climbs in, shuts the door and fastens his seat belt. TRACY (cheery, awkward) I can't wait to start campaigning. JIM Should be easy. So far no competition. TRACY Hell, you know, Coca-Cola's the world's number one soft drink, but they spend more money than anybody on advertising. I guess that's how come they stay number one. JIM Yeah. Okay. well, good luck Tracy They exchange a long, curious stare. There's a tone at once confrontational and vaguely sexual about this moment. TRACY You know, Mr. M., when I win the presidency, that means you and I are going to be spending a lot of time together next year. And I for one would like that time to be harmonious and productive. Wouldn't you? JIM Sure TRACY Okay. That's good. I just wanted to make sure. JIM Good luck, Tracy. JIM pulls away and heads for the parking lot exit. INT.EXT. JIM'S CAR ON STREET -- DAY JIM drives stone-faced, unblinking. Something about the music on the radio mocks him. JIM (VO) I don't blame Tracy for what happened with Dave. How could I? Dave was an adult more than twice her age. EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKIKG LOT DAY JIM pulls to a stop next to a giant DUMPSTER Out of his window come yellowed newspapers, balled-up fast food bags, and other detritus. He speeds away. JIM (VO CONT'D) Sure, she got on my nerves once in a while, but I admired Tracy. I really did. INSIDE THE DUMPSTER we see Tracy's little bound book of signatures. INT. MCALLISTER DIKING ROOM - MIGHT JIM and his wife Diane sit at their dining room table, eating chicken pot pies, baked potatoes with sour cream, salad with Lite Ranch dressing. Not a word passes between them. JIM (VO CONT'D) Thank God for Diane. She was my best friend, my source of love and strength. Oh sure, we'd had our share of bumpy times, but we'd always seen them through. After nine years of marriage, we were closer than ever. And the secret? Good communication. DIANE Anything wrong? JIM Everything's fine. Just, you know, school. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM - NIGHT JIM lies awake in bed while Diane snores beside him. Something seems to be echoing in his head. TRACY'S VOICE ...You know, Coca-Cola's by far the number one soft drink... When I win the presidency we're going to be spending a lot of time together... a lot of time... lots and lots and lots of time... president and advisor. . . CLOSE ON JIM'S EAR as Tracy's LIPS magically whisper into it. TRACY ...harmonious and productive... close and special... you and I... so close... so intimate... together... INT. MCALLISTER BASEMENT NIGHT In the darkness a light pops on, and JIM quietly pads down the stairs. He opens an old CEDAR TRUNK, lifts out a few blankets and a piece of cardboard to reveal a row of PORNO TAPES cleverly concealed in the bottom of the trunk. ON THE TV SCREEN - A FOOTBALL PLAYER in uniform and helmet filets a CHEERLEADER in a locker room. JIM watches with detachment, as though watching the news. He sips a can of PEPSI. The football stud continues to bump and grind. Looking at his Pepsi can, JIM is suddenly inspired. JIM (quietly) Paul. EXT. SKI SLOPE (REAR PROJECTION) DAY PAUL METZLER is SKIING in goggles and scarf. Behind him is a cheesy dated rear projection of other skiers. Suddenly Paul loses his balance and FALLS. CLOSE ON PAUL writhing in the snow. PAUL Why. . . ? Why. . . ? PAUL (VO) I was so mad at God when I broke my leg at Shadow Ridge over Christmas break. INSERT X-RAY LIGHT BOX CLOSE ON AN X-RAY of a multiple FRACTURE. PAUL (VO CONT'D) The doctors told me I'd have to quit sports for at least a couple years if not forever. INSERT YEARBOOK PICTURE Paul kneels in his FOOTBALL UNIFORM. The photograph erupts in flames. Bonanza-style. PAUL (VO CONT'D) ...which meant no first-string quarterback in the fall. It was like the end of my life! EXT. MILLARD HIGH FRONT STEPS DAY Paul stands talking to FRIENDS in a very typical high school tableau. All wear backpacks or carry books. A GIRL kneels to sign his cast. PAUL (VO CONT'D) When I got back to school everybody was so supportive, and they all wanted to sign my cast and everything... EXT. MISSOURI RIVER LOCKOUT -- DAY Alone, Paul leans on his crutches and watches the river PAUL (VO CONT'D) ... but I still couldn't shake the feeling that now my life had no purpose. What did God want from me? THE VAST MISSOURI - always flowing, never stopping, no beginning, no end PAUL (VO CONT'D) Why did I exist? INT. LIBRARY DAY Paul is sleeping slumped over a table, his head cradled on crossed arms. The Celestine Prophecy is open face down next to him. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Sometimes you can search everywhere for answers. Then one day destiny just taps you on the shoulder. I know, because it happened to me. A FINGER reaches down and taps Paul's shoulder. Paul comes to and looks -- it's Mr. McAllister. JIM Paul, could I talk to you for a minute? MILLARD HALLWAY - DAY His arm on Paul's shoulder, JIM walks Paul down a deserted hall and into Jim's classroom. JIM picks up some scrap paper off the floor and puts it in the proper place. PAUL (VO) Mr. McAllister changed my life. And no matter what they say he did or did not do, I believe he is a good man. JIM'S CLASSROOM - DAY Paul sits in a chair, while JIM stands JIM Paul, I know you've been pretty down since your accident. PAUL I wanted to play next year so bad I could taste it. And maybe go on to... JIM I know. I understand disappointment. I really do. PAUL Yeah. JIM But you've got a big choice right now. You can choose to be depressed about it for the rest of your life. Or you can choose to see it for what it really is: an opportunity. I personally think you have a big future ahead of you, and I don't mean the fleeting glory of sports. PAUL What do you mean? JIM Let me give you a clue. You're a born leader. You're one of the most popular students at Millard. You're honest and straightforward. You don't choke under pressure, as we all saw in that amazing fourth quarter against Westside. The other kids look up to you. What does that spell? Paul furrows his brow and looks around, searching for an answer. His lower lip is wet. JIM Student... council... president. It takes a moment for this to sink in. Finally PAUL Who, me? Nooo. I never... I don't know anything about that stuff, Mr. M. Besides, that's Tracy Flick's thing. She's always working so hard and -- JIM Yeah, no, she's a go-getter, all right. PAUL And she's super-nice JIM Yeah. But one person assured of victory kind of undermines the whole idea of a democracy, doesn't it? That's more like a... well, like a dictatorship, like we studied. JIM Paul, what's your favorite fruit? PAUL Huh? Oh. Uh... pears JIM takes a piece of chalk from the lip of the blackboard. JIM Okay, let's say PAUL No, wait -- apples. Apples. JIM draws illustrative circles on the board as he speaks. JIM Fine. Let's say all you ever knew was apples. Apples, apples and more apples. You might think apples were pretty good, even if you occasionally got a rotten one. Then one day there's an orange. And now you can make a decision. Do you want an apple, or do you want an orange? That's democracy. PAUL I also like bananas. JIM Exactly. So what do you say? Maybe it's time to give a little something back. INT. STUDENT COMHON AREA DAY Tracy directs her friend ERIC OVERHOLDT on a ladder as he hangs a large POSTER high on a wall. TRACY The right side is too high. The right side. Just a smidge. Suddenly she notices a small COMMOTION in the adjacent cafeteria and goes to investigate. INT. CAFETERIA DAY A small crowd of students compete to sign Paul's nomination petition taped to the wall. GUY (signing) Hey Paul, you going over to Anthony's on Friday, or what did you decide? PAUL I gotta talk to him first. Tracy watches the hubbub, none too pleased, and pushes her way to the front of the group. TRACY Who put you up to this? PAUL Huh? Oh, hi, Tracy Tracy stares at him. TRACY Who put you up to this? PAUL What do you mean? TRACY You just woke up this morning and suddenly decided to run for president? PAUL No. Uh... I just... you know, I just thought -- TRACY Thought what? PAUL Well, see, I was talking to Mr. McAllister about my leg and everything... and how I still want to, you know, do something for the school and -- TRACY So Mr. McAllister asked you to run. PAUL Well, I mean, you know, I talked to him and everything, but he just said he thought it was a good idea... and how there's all different kinds of fruit and... It's nothing against you, Tracy. You're the best. I just thought -- TRACY Okay, Mr. Popular. You're on. With that Tracy turns and SIGNS Paul's sheet THE "I" IN "FLICK" is dotted with a STAR CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE - as she walks away, Paul and his fans receding behind her TRACY (VO) You might think it upset me that Paul Metzier had decided to run against me, but nothing could be further from the truth. He was no competition for me: it was like apples and oranges. It just meant I had to work a little harder, that's all. INT. TRACY'S BASEMENT NIGHT CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE -- in a xeroxed photograph. "Vote Tracy!" is written at the bottom. Tracy is making campaign buttons with her BUTTON MACHINE. She manufactures her buttons with almost alarming intensity. PATRIOTIC MUSIC begins to rise. TRACY (VO CONT'D) You see, I believe in the voters. They understand that elections aren't just popularity contests. They know this country was built by people just like me who work very hard and don't have everything handed to them on a silver spoon. THE TRACY BUTTONS drop one by one into a box. All the little round Tracys smile up at us. EXT. MILLARD PARKING LOT DAY Paul is in the driver's seat of his hitching big-wheeled PICKUP TRUCK. His door is open, and his radio blasts a SONG carefully selected to boost soundtrack album sales. Various FRIENDS OF PAUL'S hang around. Tracy watches the scene from her seat on the SCHOOL BUS TRACY (VO CONT'D) Not like some rich kids who everybody likes because their fathers own Metzier Cement and give them trucks on their sixteenth birthday and throw them big parties all the time. They don't ever have to work for anything. The .bus pulls away. INT. TRACY'S LIVING ROOM AFTERNOON CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE - staring into camera as she exercises on a NORDIC TRAC, Drenched in sweat, she moves in a hypnotic frenzy. TRACY (VO CONT'D) They think they can all of a sudden one day out of the blue waltz right in with no qualifications whatsoever and try to take away what other people have worked for very, very hard their entire lives. No, it didn't bother me at all I INT. PAUL'S PICKUP -- DAY Paul drives home, his stereo thumping. Silent, he appears lost in thought, as though a little gopher idea were burrowing its way to the surface. Oh, look -- there's its snout now. PAUL Paul... Paul... power... Paul... Paul for President... progress... promise... peanut... Paul-i-tics... yeah... President Paul... Punt for Paul! No. EXT. METZLER HOME DAY Paul pulls into the driveway and hops out of his car. INT. TAMMY METZLER'S BEDROOM DAY Two GIRLS are kissing on the bed. They are TAMMY METZLER and LISA FLANAGAN, fifteen and seventeen respectively. Lisa breaks away. Tammy tries to kiss her again, but Lisa resists. TAMMY (softly) What? LISA I told you ... I can't. I just -- It doesn't feel right anymore, you know? INT. METZLER KITCHEN DAY Whistling a cheerful tune, Paul tosses his backpack on a chair, grabs a banana, and opens the refrigerator. INT. TAMMY METZLER'S BEDROOM DAY Tammy is still trying to comfort Lisa. TAMMY If you could just get out of your head. Tammy leans forward, puts her palm on Lisa's cheek. Lisa looks at Tammy as though at a stranger. Tammy leans forward and .kisses Lisa's eyes. Lisa jerks her head out of Tammy's hands. LISA I said no! Suddenly, there's a quick KNOCK at the door, and Paul enters. The girls rise quickly. PAUL Hey, Tammy, guess what happened today. TAMMY Don't you fucking knock? PAUL Yeah. So guess what happened. So Mr. McAllister, he -- (noticing Lisa) Oh hi. Lisa. TAMMY Paul, get out! PAUL So Mr. M. calls me in and tells me -- LISA I gotta go. Lisa pushes her way past Paul and runs down the hall TAMMY (to Paul) You dumbshit! PAUL What'd I do? THE SCENE FREEZES. TAMMY (VO) You know how they say one day a big meteor might come and crash into the Earth and kill everybody? Well, I think that would be a good thing. BACK TO LIFE - Tammy turns away from Paul in disgust and runs after Lisa INT. METZLER LIVING ROOM AND FOYER CONTINUOUS Tammy finds the front door flung open and through it sees Lisa slamming the door of her beat-up Honda Civic and starting the engine. TAMMY Lisa EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET CONTINUOUS Tammy runs up to the car as it pulls away. She pounds on the window. TAMMY Stop! Wait! Lisa stops the car, rolls down the window TAMMY (CONT'D) Where 're you going? LISA I'm not like you. TAMMY What...? LISA I'm not a dyke, okay, and we're not in love. We were just... I was just experimenting. Lisa speeds away, and we watch her car grow smaller and smaller. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S FACE - as we see the greatest disappointment of her short life break across her face. TAMMY (VO) How can something that seems so true turn out to be such a lie? EXT. ELMWOOD PARK -- DAY Lisa and Tammy are swinging synchronized on a swingset, smiling and laughing. The image is slightly OVEREXPOSED as though to suggest an ideal memory. CLOSE ON TAMMY looking over at Lisa TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I mean Lisa and I were destined to be together. It was so obvious. Of all the people on the planet who had ever lived, somehow we'd found each other. CLOSE ON LISA in SLOW MOTION, swinging next to us. She looks back, her face so happy. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) Lisa... INT. TAMMY'S ROOM -- DAY CHOMP-CHOMP-CHOMP Tammy eats an asparagus spear. GNAW-GNAW-GNAW Lisa eats an asparagus spear TAMMY drinks a big glass of water. She giggles a little. LISA drinks a big glass of water. She giggles too. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I remember one time Lisa and I did an experiment with asparagus to see how long it takes your pee to smell. We peed a little every five minutes. AN EGG TIMER: Ding I Tammy and Lisa, very serious now, smell little Dixie cups TAMMY (VO CONT'D) For her it took about fifteen minutes, and for me it was twenty. INT. LIBRARY DAY Lisa studies at a table, surrounded by other busy students. TAMMY (VO) Everyday I found some new way to tell Lisa I loved her. Suddenly Tammy walks by, drops a folded NOTE in front of Lisa, and walks on. Lisa opens it. NOTE (Tammy's voice) If you died right now, I would throw myself into one of my Dad's cement trucks and get poured into your tomb. Lisa looks over her shoulder at Tammy, who is now at the door of the library. Tammy nods at her with quiet loving reassurance. TAMMY (VO) But it just seemed like the closer we got, the more she pulled away. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Lisa watches Tammy open her locker and notices a four-frame PHOTO- BOOTH PHOTOGRAPH taped to the inside of the door. In the photos Lisa and Tammy are clowning and smooching. Lisa reaches over and YANKS the photos off the door. LISA Are you crazy? TAMMY What? LISA People can see this. TAMMY So? LISA These are private -- these are for us. TAMMY I know. LISA But other people can see them too. TAMMY I don't care. LISA Well, I do. Lisa walks away with the photos EXT. ELMWOOD PARK DAY CLOSE ON LISA SWINGING -- next to us, a final reprise of Tammy's favorite memory TAMMY (VO) What did I do to make her change? What's wrong with me? Lisa swings out of frame, and the swing returns EMPTY. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) (a whisper) Lisa. EXT. HILL ABOVE A POWER PLANT TWILIGHT Tammy sits on a promontory overlooking an Omaha Public Power District station -- towers, wires, insulators, a loud HUM. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) Sometimes when I'm sad, I sit and watch the power station. Tammy lifts a pair of BINOCULARS to her eyes, sees THE POWER PLANT. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) They say if you lie between two of the main wires, your body just evaporates. You become a gas. I wonder what that would feel like. TAMMY'S STREET -- EVENING Lisa's car speeds away, growing smaller and smaller. We're back at the BREAK-UP. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S FACE as she stares down the street, unable to move. It starts to rain. Tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. very French, very sad. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I don ' t know what I did to make Lisa hate me so much, but somehow she decided to hurt roe. And she knew exactly what to do. LISA'S BEDROOM DAY CLOSE ON PAUL'S FACE -- matched in size to Tammy's. He is moaning, gasping. FROM OVERHEAD -- Paul is sprawled on Lisa's bed, surrounded by stuffed animals. His legs dangle over the edge of the bed, and Lisa kneels between them, her head bobbing up and down. PAUL (VO) I sure was surprised the day Lisa Flanagan asked me for a ride home and ended up blowing me. Lisa pauses and looks up at Paul. LISA I've wanted this for so long. She resumes with renewed vigor PAUL Uhhh... teeth. Teeth. LISA Sorry. INT. MILLARD HIGH CAFETERIA DAY Paul and Lisa sit with some other friends at a lunch table. Paul has one arm around Lisa as he eats with his other hand. PAUL (VO) Life is so weird. First Lisa has a big fight with my sister, and the next thing you know she's my girlfriend. Lisa turns around to look at TAMMY seated at another table directly behind them. She and Lisa lock eyes before they both turn around again. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD DAY Paul poses for a campaign photo in his football uniform. He freezes in position as though about to throw a pass. Lisa adjusts his position -- CLICK. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Since Lisa knew all about public relations and stuff, she offered to help me with my campaign. We made a great team! Tammy spies from underneath the bleachers INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Paul is on all fours as Lisa stands on his back to hang a poster with Paul's football picture reading: "Paul Metzier You Bet-zier!" PAUL (VO CONT'D) It seemed so natural, the two of us together. It was like destiny. Tammy watches from a nearby classroom door, her nose and cheek pressed against the window. EXT. LISA'S HOUSE DAY Paul's truck pulls up, and Paul and Lisa get out PAUL (VO CONT'D) That spring was perfect. My leg wasn't bugging me too much, and the weather was so nice. And every afternoon after school. Lisa and I would go to her house to fuck and have a swim. It was like we were in a world all our own. Tammy emerges from behind a tree. She's on her bike. Angry and fragile, she watches the couple enter Lisa's house. EXT. LISA'S BACKYARD DAY Tammy peeks OVER THE FENCE and sees -- LISA AND PAUL swimming. Paul dives off the board and resurfaces right into Lisa's arms. MOVE CLOSER TO TAMMY as she dies a thousand deaths. TAMMY (VO) I had to do something. I didn't know what, but I had to do something. FADE OUT INT. SHERRY NOVOTNY'S BACKYARD -- DAY A laughing BABY BOY is lowered into frame and pulled back up again. Then he swings across frame. It's little DARRYL NOVOTNY. WIDE - JIM has Darryl by the ankles and is swinging him between his legs. Diane and Sherry are setting the picnic table. Stacked charcoal briquettes burn off in a nearby barbecue. JIM (VO) Around that time Diane and I were hanging out a lot at Sherry Novotny's house, giving her our love and support and helping her make it through a difficult time. DIANE Jim, don't. You're scaring him. JIM He likes it. Darryl's laughter suddenly turns into CRYING DIANE Here. Give him to me. (as she takes Darryl) is little Darryl dizzy? That's it. . come here. . . SHERRY You got him? DIANE Yeah. Sherry heads into the house. JIM watches her walk, then turns toward Diane and Darryl. It's as though Diane, not Sherry, were the infant's real mother, so loving and attentive is she, so swelled with maternal piety. JIM (VO) Diane really wanted to have kids -- and so did I -- but it seemed like there was always a reason to wait: she had to finish nursing school, I had to get my masters, we needed a new house, we needed more money. Finally we just decided to go for it... INT. JIM'S BEDROOM NIGHT A DIGITAL THERMOMETER reads 99.3. Behind it Diane lies in bed reading a copy of Self. JIM (VO) ...but for over a year we hadn't had any luck. And Diane was getting desperate. INT. JIM'S HOME OFFICE NIGHT At his desk, JIM studies a High Society magazine. He is naked. JIM closes his eyes and bites his lip as though feeling something he wished not to leave him. He quickly replaces a stack of magazines in his desk and goes across the hall to -- INT. BEDROOM CONTINUOUS where 'Lisa''s car speeds away, growing smaller and smaller. We''re back at the BREAK-UP. CLOSE ON TAMMY''S FACE as she stares down the street, unable to move. It starts to rain. Tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. very French, very sad.' waits in bed. She puts aside her magazine and welcomes Papa Bear. Lisa pauses and looks up at Paul. closes the door behind him. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM LATER JIM and Diane copulate. Although ostensibly near climax, JIM seems to be struggling. Diane's exhortations, once forbidden and exciting, now seem routine. DIANE You gonna do it? You gonna do it? JIM Yeah, uh, just a minute DIANE Come on, doit. Doit. Fill me up. Come on, fill me up JIM Yeah, just -- DIANE Do it! JIM finally climaxes DIANE (CONT'D) Okay! With that JIM rolls off of her. Diane immediately hoists her knees to her chest. CLOSE ON JIM - on his side of the bed facing away from Diane. DIANE Could you hand me the remote? EXT. NOVOTNY BACKYARD AS BEFORE JIM is snapped out of his reverie by Sherry's voice SHERRY Say, Jim. Jim. JIM looks. Sherry is walking out the patio door holding a big bottle of wine with a corkscrew sticking out of it. SHERRY (CONT'D) Could you get this? I can't JIM Sure. JIM takes the bottle. CLOSE ON the neck as the cork emerges: POP! INT. NOVOTNY KITCHEN -- DAY Sherry stands at the base of a stepladder as JIM climbs up and points to a spot on the ceiling. JIM (VO) Without Dave around. Sherry needed a lot of help around the house. JIM Here? SHERRY (indicating) More this way. JIM Okay. Give me the drill. JIM looks down at Sherry as she hands it up. Her blouse reveals a bit more than it should, and JIM pauses to get an extra glimpse. THE POWER DRILL BIT penetrates the ceiling. EXT. HOVOTHY FRONT YARD -- DAY A shirtless JIM is MOWING the lawn on a hot day. He shuts it off as Sherry emerges from the house with lemonade. She wears culottes, a halter top, and flip-flops. JIM I'd always liked Sherry, but we'd never had a chance to spend any time alone together. How with Dave out of the picture, I began to see what an incredibly sensitive and giving person she was. JIM downs his glass in big thirsty gulps and hands her back the glass. He watches her walk back to the house. JIM (VO CONT'D) Plus she had finally dropped all that weight from her pregnancy, and really she looked great. THE RIPCORD of the lawnmower is pulled a couple of times until it starts. INT. YOUHKERS DEPARTMENT STORE -- DAY IN WOMEN'S ACCESSORIES - Sherry looks at herself in the mirror modeling a colorful floppy hat. She spins around for Jim's approval. JIM (VO) We got to be pretty good buddies. I even took her to the mall one time while her car was in the shop. JIM smiles and nods. She puts on another. Sherry is like a young girl on a date. She grabs Jim's hand and pulls him in another direction. AT THE MAKEUP COUNTER - Sherry spreads on lipstick. SHERRY What do you think? It's clear what JIM thinks. JIM You look great INT. JIM'S CAR -- DAY They're driving home. There are packages on Sherry's lap and in the backseat. SHERRY I can't afford this stuff right now. JIM Oh, come on. You've had a hard year, you're cooped up with the kid all the time. Let go; live a little. SHERRY You sure? They come to a stop at a red light. Out one window JIM spots a MOTEL. JIM So what do you think? Should we get a room? SHERRY Should we get a what? JIM points at the motel. SHERRY (CONT'D) Oh. Her smile fades, and she stares straight ahead. There's an icy, uncomfortable silence. SHERRY (CONT'D) (stiffly) That's not funny. The light changes. JIM swallows, accelerates INT. JIM'S KITCHEN DAY JIM walks in through the backdoor. Diane is loading the dishwasher. They peck-kiss. DIANE How'd it go? JIM Fine. You know. We just went to Crossroads. DIANE You guys have fun? JIM picks an apple out of a bowl. JIM (between bites) Yeah. No. I mean, you know. DIANE What? JIM Well, Sherry's great. But she can be a little much sometimes. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM NIGHT Diane lies face-down, and JIM is on top of her. JIM makes spirited love with her. DIANE Oh, Jim! Oh, God! SHERRY'S HEAD, like a cut-out from a tabloid cover, floats in from off-screen and lands on the back of Diane's head. At the right moment, her face COMES TO LIFE and vaguely mouths the words that Diane is saying, like a badly-dubbed movie. DIANE/SHERRY Oh, God. Just like that. Oh yes. Fill me up... Jim's wicked desire increases with each movement Now TRACY FLICK'S FACE floats over and replaces Sherry's. Tracy mouths Diane's words. DIANE/TRACY Do it, Jim. Fuck me. JIM is at once in deep-space ecstasy and surprised at himself. Diane's voice now changes: it's Tracy's VOICE. TRACY (OS) Fuck me, Mr. McAllister FADE OUT UNDER BLACK JIM (VO) So like I was saying, things were going pretty well in my life. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY It's passing period, and hundreds of students clog the halls JIM (VO) ... that is, until things started going all haywire with that damn election. A distant DING-DING grows louder and louder. Everyone turns toward the source, far down the hall, and eventually TAMMY emerges wearing a makeshift SANDWICH BOARD that reads "Tammy Metzier For President." Smiling a perverse smile, she rings a hand bell. Salvation Army style. Paul is at his locker and watches Tammy go by. PAUL Tammy? Tammy, what are you doing? Tammy ignores her brother and keeps walking directly toward us, finally INTO CAMERA. INT. MILLARD TEACHERS' OFFICES -- DAY Tracy sits opposite Mr. McAllister. TRACY You're the advisor. You should stop her. She's not qualified. She's just a sophomore. JIM Calm down, Tracy. Just calm down. TRACY Are you sure all her signatures are real? It's not easy to get all those signatures. JIM As far as I know, they-- Suddenly LISA AND PAUL are sitting where Tracy was. PAUL We can't both run, can we? We're brother and sister. Can we? LISA It's a conflict of interest. And Paul was first. JIM Anyone who gets signatures in on time can run. And she got in just under the wire. Nothing I can do. Now TRACY replaces Lisa and Paul TRACY Let me see them. Let me see them Sighing, JIM fishes in his drawer and hands Tracy some sheets TRACY These are a bunch of burn-outs. And look at this one, I can't even read this one. JIM (taking the sheet) Looks like Tim Kobza. LISA AND PAUL again LISA She's doing this to get back at me PAUL For what? LISA I mean at you. PAUL For what? LISA I don't know. You're her brother you should know. TRACY returns. TRACY Tim Kobza? Tim Kobza! Who's he? I've never heard of him! JIM Look, why don't we just forget about Tammy? We'll have the assembly tomorrow, everybody'll make their speeches, and I'm sure everything will be fine. INT. MILLARD GYMNASIUM DAY The entire student body is assembled on the bleachers. There is a palpable mood of boredom and apathy. JERRY SLAVIN, a handicapped kid in a wheelchair, is at the microphone. His head lists to one side, and he takes long breaths as he speaks. JERRY I love Millard High, and I will be a dedicated vice President. A vote for Jerry Slavin is a vote for good government. And even if I can't really stand up for you, I will. (cracks himself up) Thank you. Jerry motors away amid scattered applause and coughs. JIM steps forward, clapping, and raises the mike. JIM Thank you, Jerry, and good luck. Again, Jerry is running unopposed for Vice President. So we'll move on now to the presidential race with three candidates running. The first in alphabetical order is Tracy Flick. Tracy steps forward with a small stack of index cards. During her speech she flips the cards over one by one but rarely looks at them. TRACY Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better." With this election, we here at Millard also have an opportunity to make our high school days better. During this campaign I have had the opportunity to speak with many of you about your concerns. I spoke with freshman Eliza Ramirez, who told me how alienated she feels from her own homeroom. I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks, who said his mother works in a cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes. I won't bore you with long- winded promises about all the new and innovative things I will definitely achieve during the year in which it will be my honor and privilege to represent each and every one of you, but I can say that my years of experience on the student council have taught me the three most important attributes the president needs to possess; commitment - DOUG SCHENKEN Eat me DOUG'S BUDDY Eat me raw! There is scattered laughter. Tracy pauses, wait Hendricks bounds up and grabs the mike. WALT If you can't be adults and give these candidates the courtesy they deserve, then you don't deserve to be called adults but children* Because that's what children are. And you'll be treated like children. So let's all listen up. Walt backs away to his seat. Tracy resumes TRACY The three most important attributes the president needs to possess are: commitment, qualifications, and experience. I'll add one more; caring. I care about Millard, and I care about each and every one of you, and together we can all make a difference. One of the things I would like to establish is a regular open forum where any student can come and voice their concern about issues we face here at Millard. I and the rest of the student council would then interface with the faculty and staff, so a continuous dialogue would exist. Walt whispers to Jim. WALT I'd say she knows a thing or two about student-faculty dialogue. JIM nods solemnly TRACY When you cast your vote for Tracy Flick next week, you won't just be voting for me. You'll be voting for yourself and for every other student Our days won't be any longer, but they can sure be better. Thank you. Tracy smiles and walks back to her folding chair. There is polite applause and a few whistles. JJJB comes back to the microphone. Tracy takes her seat next to Paul and glances at him. Paul scares straight ahead, a fat bead of sweat on his forehead. One of his legs is jiggling. JIM The next candidate for student body president is Paul Metzier. Paul? Paul awkwardly makes his way to the mike. Though by no means thunderous, his applause clearly exceeds Tracy's. A small cluster of jocks "woof" for him, shaking their fists in the air. Paul manages a weak grin for his buddies. Tracy shifts in her chair, her smile stiff and forced Lisa smiles and nods at Paul from the bleachers, giving him encouragement and a silent reminder to remember what they talked about. Tammy's eyes dart between Lisa and Paul. She shows no emotion, reveals nothing. The applause quickly dies, and after a moment Paul remembers to look at the white paper in his hand. He speaks in a barely audible monotone, never once glancing up. PAUL As many of you know I broke my leg pretty bad thi3 year and the experience has made me reevaluate what I want to do with my life and that is help people when you think about it a school is more than a school it's our second home where we spend all cur time and grow as individuals and a community but is our school everything it could be I want our school to reach its true potential that is why I am running for president. JIM pinches the bridge of his nose, clearly pained A few loud SOUND EFFECT SNORES saw through the air, and Walt points a stern finger at - you guessed it -- Doug Schenken. PAUL I know what it is to fight hard and win like when we almost went to state last fall and I threw that fourth-quarter pass against Westside for the touchdown that won the game by three points I won't let you down like I didn't then I promise we can all score a winning (big breath) touchdown together. Vote Paul Metzier for president thank you. Paul now gets considerably less applause, but his jock friends remain loyal. JIM Okay, Paul. Now our final candidate for President - another one of the Metzier clan -- sophomore Tammy Metzier. Tammy approaches the mike. There are scattered mocking whistles and catcalls. Tammy calmly looks over the crowd, waiting for the jeers to subside. She makes eye contact with Lisa, who stares back. WALT People. People I The room quiets down. Tammy puts her lips close to the mike, TAMMY Who cares about this stupid election? NOW there's something worth listening to. TAMMY (CONT'D) We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected president of Millard. You think it's going to change anything around here, make one single person happier or smarter or nicer? The only person it matters to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don't even want to go to college, and I don't care, and as president I won't do anything. The only promise I make is that if elected I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again! There is a sudden huge cathartic eruption of cheers and applause. Tammy has set them free. Even cynical old Doug Schenken and his buddies join in. STUDENTS Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! In total control, she steps back from the mike and CURTSIES. Walt shoots an angry, confused look at Jim, who shrugs. Tracy is clearly upset, but her smile remains eerily fixed Paul just looks confused and ashamed. Jerry Slavin is convulsed in laughter and chants along with the multitude. Tammy quickly grabs the mike for one final exhortation. TAMMY 0h don't vote for me I Who cares? Don't vote at all! The students go nuts. INT. WALT HENDRICK'S OFFICE DAY Dr. Hendricks is in a serious post-assembly discussion with JIM and VICE-PRINCIPAL RON BELL. WALT That little bitch made a fool of us I want her out of the election. Getting everybody all riled up like that. She's finished, you hear me? Washed up. JIM Walt, we can't throw her out of the election just because we don't like her speech. That's not what student government's about. WALT (grumbling) Yeah... whatever. All I know is she's a troublemaker. She's on my list. RON All we need to do is send a message, so maybe we should just suspend her. WALT Right. That's it. She's suspended for a week! To emphasize his point, Walt throws his STYROFOAM CUP at the wastepaper basket and misses. Lowell the janitor, passing by outside the door, notices the cup bouncing on the floor. JIM I think that's a little strong Walt. Ron? RON We don't want to make a martyr out of her. Three days sounds right to me. WALT Okay. Three days. Take care of it. EXT. STREETS DAY Tammy rides her bike on this crisp sunny spring day. The music is buoyant. Tammy is all smiles. TAMMY (VO) Being suspended is like getting a paid vacation. Too bad it was only three days EXT. 7-11 DAY Tammy is hanging out by the entrance. A DUDE emerges from the store carrying a 12-pack of beer. En route to his car, he throws Tammy a pack of CIGARETTES. DUDE Here you go. Tammy looks at the pack TAMMY Hey -- I said lights I EXT. SACRED HEART ACADEMY -- DAY A cigarette hanging out of her mouth, Tammy rides by the front of this Catholic girls' school. NOW AT THE ATHLETIC FIELD - Tammy gets off her bike, goes to look through the surrounding fence at GIRLS PLAYING LACROSSE in their cleats, short skirts, jerseys. LITURGICAL MUSIC accompanies SLOW-MOTION close-ups of the girls in action. Tammy seems to breathe them in INT. TAMMY'S ROOM -- DAY Wearing headphones. Tammy DANCES to music only she can hear. She happens to glance toward her door and notices a MANILA ENVELOPE sliding under it. She opens the door and finds a startled Paul. TAMMY What do you want? PAUL Oh. Hi, Tammy. I was just, you know, I went to all your teachers and got your assignments. Tammy looks at him, picks up the packet. PAUL (CONT'D) I just thought, well, last time you got suspended you fell so behind and - TAMMY Okay, Paul. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Paul smiles at the acknowledgment of his good deed. TAMMY (CONT'D) Now could you leave me alone? PAUL Yeah. Oh, one more thing. Tammy. You know, all this election stuff. 'Cause, you know, everyone is saying it's so weird that you're running against me, and, well, it is kind of weird, and you haven't really told me why you're doing it and didn't tell me in advance or anything. But that's okay, you know. l respect your privacy. I just want you to know that no matter who wins, if it's you or me, there's no hard feelings. We're still brother and sister. Okay? Cause... and I hope you feel the same. TAMMY Sure, Paul. No hard feelings. PAUL Okay. Great. I feel good. Paul is about to leave again but PAUL Oh. Oh. Yeah. Right. One other thing. Since you know Lisa so well, could you give me some advice? I want to get her something for helping me with the election. You know, something really special -- like flowers or candy or flowers and candy. Or is that too typical? I mean, can you think of something? Something really special? You know, something she'd really like? Tammy looks as though she'd like to push the button on all the world's atomic bombs. EXT. TRACY'S DRIVEWAY DAY CLOSE ON A GIANT OUTLINED "0" -- drawn on white paper. A hand enters frame with a brush and begins to fill in the outline with blue tempera-paint. Camera RISES to reveal the "0" as part of a giant banner. Tracy is working on some letters, while ERIC OVERHOLDT is working on others. TRACY (VO) What happened at the speeches was an unconscienceable travesty. That little bitch Tammy Metzier wanted to make a fool out of me. Well, it wasn't going to work. People do care who wins. Things do matter. Finally, we're high enough to read: WHO CARES? I DO: VOTE TRACY! TRACY Eric, the "r" is supposed to be green, not blue. ERIC Oh. Okay. Eric carefully paints over his mistake, then works up some courage. ERIC (CONT'D) So, Tracy, I was wondering if after we finish with these you'd like to go to a movie or something. TRACY That's okay. I'm too busy. Ouch. INT. MILLARD YEARBOOK OFFICE -- NIGHT A haggard Tracy sits alone at a computer monitor TRACY (VO CONT'D) People are so ungrateful. If all those students who cheered for Tammy Metzier only knew how hard I worked for Millard. Like all the late nights I spent at the yearbook office just to give them their memories. THE MONITOR displays a DIGITIZED PHOTO of the Millard yearbook staff. DAVE NOVOTNY peers proudly from behind two of the taller students. A CURSOR in the shape of tiny SCISSORS makes a small circle around Dave's face. Suddenly, the cursor turns into a tiny HAND and drags Dave's dislodged head into the TRASH. Tracy concentrates as she deftly controls the mouse. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One of my duties was to clean up the group photos. It was a cinch with our new software. THE COMPUTER MONITOR AGAIN -- as Tracy outlines a piece of the WALL and places it in the void where Dave used to be, blurring the edges for a perfect effect, voila! Satisfied, Tracy taps on the keyboard. TRACY (under her breath) Let's see... "save" is Command "S." Okay. INT. MILLARD HIGH HALLWAY -- NIGHT Tracy is heading down the hall toward the exit when she rounds a corner and, suddenly deeply troubled, sees that HER NEW "WHO CARES?" BANNER has come loose on an upper corner and is drooping. Tracy puts down her things and JUMPS up to slap the corner back into place. Satisfied, she turns away. But then - SHOOP! The banner fights back, peeling even further from the wall. Tracy prepares for battle. INT. YEARBOOK OFFICE NIGHT Tracy enters and grabs a long aluminum STRAIGHT-EDGE. INT. HALLWAY NIGHT Standing on an overturned GARBAGE CAN and wielding the straight-edge, Tracy tries to smooth the banner. But she's not holding the ruler flat against the wall and -- RIP! -- she slices the banner lengthwise. Now the plastic garbage can begins to buckle. Struggling to retain her balance, Tracy accidentally hooks the banner and as she TUMBLES yanks the whole thing down. Overcome with anger and frustration, she thrashes around on the ground and TEARS UP what remains of her banner. PAUL METZLER smiles down at Tracy from his poster across the hall. Tracy looks up at it. Instantly she is on her feet, lunging for the poster. She jumps up, TEARS it down, and RIPS Paul's head into pieces. Blood issues from a thin paper cut on one hand. Tracy regards it at first without comprehending, then raises it to her mouth. While sucking her wound, her gaze falls on -- ANOTHER SMILING PAUL mocking her pain. ANGLE FROM WAY DOWN THE HALL Hurricane Tracy begins a savage assault on the fragile coast of Millard High. Paul's campaign posters fill the air, shredded to pieces by the powerful winds of jealousy and rage. TIME DISSOLVE -- to Tracy even farther down the hall, still jumping, still ripping. TRACK FROM OVERHEAD - THE HALLWAY FLOOR - where a thousand bits of Paul lie scattered -- a grinning mouth here, an eye there. TILT UP finally to Tracy, sweating, panting. She finishes ripping a poster and looks to find another. But there are no more Paul posters: she has destroyed them all. Tracy raises her hands and sees they are streaked with Blood. INT. GIRLS ' BATHROOM NIGHT Tracy is at the sink, washing away the blood. She pats her hands dry with paper towels. The gravity of what she's done now sinks in, and she panics. TRACY I didn't do this. I didn't do it. She lifts the top off a garbage can, removes the PLASTIC LINER. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY NIGHT With frantic haste, Tracy stuffs the evidence of her awful deed into the garbage bag. EXT. BACK OF HILLARD HIGH -- MIGHT Tracy's face is half-obscured by the bulging bag she carries down the sidewalk. EXT. HILLARD PARKIMC LOT - MIGHT Tracy opens her TRUNK and heaves the garbage bag inside slamming the trunk, she looks around - no one. INT. TRACY'S CAR NIGHT Tracy drives, sucking on a wounded hand. She glances frequently in the rear-view mirror. EXT. STREET MIGHT Tracy's car drives down a REMOTE ROAD. There are no sidewalks here, and the surroundings consist of scrubby vegetation and industrial structures. In the background looms a POWER PLANT. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS We now sense that Tracy has a plan. She throws the car into reverse, backs up and turns onto - EXT. A SMALL ACCESS ROAD -- CONTINUOUS Tracy stop the car near an EMBANKMENT. She gets out and pulls the garbage bag from the trunk. With a big shove Tracy sends the bag cartwheeling down the hill Breathing hard but clearly relieved, Tracy watches the evidence of her deed tumble into obscurity. NOW THROUGH BINOCULARS Tracy's shadowy figure runs back to the car. EXT. HILL ABOVE POWER PLANT NIGHT Tammy momentarily drops her BINOCULARS before raising them again. THROUGH THE BINOCULARS - Tracy's car speeds away. Tammy drops her binoculars and mounts her bike EXT. EMBANKMENT -- NIGHT Tammy skids to a stop, drops her bike, and heads down the embankment. CLOSE ON THE HEFTY BAG as Tammy draws near. She pauses at first, but intrepid curiosity conquers her fear. She unties the knot. FROM INSIDE THE BAG we see Tammy's sudden look of HORROR PAUL'S MANGLED FACE smiles up at her. Tammy raises it toward camera INT. NOVOTWY BATHROOM -- MORNING CLOSE ON A DRAIN as a hand extracts a huge WAD OF HAIR -- stringy, mucousy. fetid. JIM holds it up for Sherry, who stands behind him in her bathrobe. JIM There's your culprit He examines it from different angles. Both scrunch their faces JIM (CONT'D) Shall we give it a name? SHERRY (not missing a beat) Dave. CLOSE ON AN OPEN TOILET - Plop! The hairwad joins several smaller stringy friends. NOW AT THE SINK JIM washes his hands. Sherry glances between JIM and the water running in the shower. It's getting steamy. SHERRY Did you know Dave's a bed wetter? JIM No, I... uh, didn't know that SHERRY All his life. He's tried everything. JIM (about the shower) Still clear? SHERRY Yep. JIM We'll let it run awhile JIM turns off the faucet and reaches for a towel. Sherry offers him another. SHERRY This one's clean. JIM takes it and dries his hands. Sherry now stands very close to him. JIM sets the towel on the sink. It's a little awkward as they look into each other's eyes, standing so near. SHERRY (CONT'D) I guess you'd better get to work huh? You're going to be late. She slowly wraps her arms around Jim's neck and pulls him to her, a hug of gratitude and warmth -- nothing sexual here, just the embrace of two people in need of shelter from the storm of life. No, nothing sexual at all. SHERRY (CONT'D) Thank you, Jim. Now sherry begins to cry a little, and things begin to change -- hands wander, cheek brushes cheek. Finally lips meet, tenderly at first. And then it is a deluge. INT. NOVOTNY LIVING ROOM DAY JIM and Sherry stumble in from the hallway locked in an embrace. They rove around the room, barely able to keep their balance. Finally, they fall to the ground. CLOSE ON LITTLE DARRYL -- playing with his foot in the CRIB. Through the bars behind him we can discern the murky shape of Sherry and JIM rutting and grunting like wild boars. EXT. NOVOTNY DRIVEWAY DAY JIM starts his car. Sherry leans into his window. She looks around the neighborhood before kissing him firmly on the mouth. SHERRY Hey Yeah? SHERRY Take me to that motel. Like you wanted. JIM Right now? SHERRY Easy, tiger. Come by after school. I'll leave Darryl with the sitter. JIM Three twenty-five. SHERRY Three twenty-five. EXT. HILLSIDE ROAD -- DAY VROOM! JIM roars past us in his new RED FERRARI CONVERTIBLE EXT. ITALIAM RIVIERA (REAR PROJECTIOH) CONTINUOUS JIM wears a BLACK SUIT and hip HRAPAROUND SUNGLASSES as he drives. He lights a cigarette. Behind him is a cheesy dated REAR PROJECTION Of a curvy MOUNTAIN ROAD. Next Stop: portofino! JIM (VO) What had blossomed between Sherry and me was too real, too powerful to deny. For the first time in years, I felt free and alive! EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT DAY JIM'S Ferrari heads up the driveway and into his assigned space He opens the Ferrari door. JIM'S FOOT touches the pavement - not a shiny Salvatore Ferragamo loafer but a worn out Dexter. WIDE - JIM is back in his own clothes, and his car has reverted to a Ford Escort in need of a wash. He heads toward the school. INT. HILLARD LIBRARY -- DAY JIM enters the library, walks among the stacks. JIM (VO CONT'D) So as you can imagine, my thoughts weren't on the election that Monday morning. JIM takes a BOOK from the shelf JIM (VO CONT'D) My thoughts were only on Sherry, on how perfect she felt inside. There was a special poem I wanted to read to her later, at the motel, as she lay next to me. Jim flips through the book and finds the poem he seeks. His lips move silently. JIM'S VOICE (VO CONT'D) Close, close the lovers keep. They stay together in their sleep. Close as two pages in a book That read each other in the dark.. Suddenly -- a grating VOICE from the loudspeakers. VOICE (OS) Mr. McAllister to the Principal's Office. Mr. McAllister to the Principal's office. JIM smacks the book closed INT. WALT ' S OFFICE - DAY LISA FLAMAGAN - her face streaked with tears from outrage and confusion. LISA It's not fair. It's not fair Paul sits next to Lisa on the vinyl sofa. He wants to console her, but he doesn't know how. PAUL I just don't think anybody would do something like that on purpose. It must have been some kind of mistake. Like a maintenance thing. JIM enters. WALT Jim, where the hell have you been? JIM Nowhere. I don't have class until second period. WALT Even tried you at home. We've got a situation here. LISA If Paul loses tomorrow, it's not fair. There has to be another election, with posters. JIM What's the problem? LISA Didn't you see? WALT Somebody tore down their posters. LISA Those posters cost a lot of money we don't have I There's no time to make any more posters, there's no -- WALT We'll get to the bottom of it. PAUL (to Lisa) We still have some extra ones, don't we? Maybe we can just -- LISA It was Tammy I That's who it was. PAUL Oh, no, hey. Like I said. Tammy wouldn't... she... WALT Well, that speech she gave -- it was pretty, you know, pretty out there. But we'll get to the bottom of it. Don't you worry. Mr. McAllister is going to see to that. Right, Jim? JIM (his thoughts elsewhere) Oh yeah, you bet. LISA She should be expelled. Or worse! WALT You two just go back and focus on your studies. Mr. McAllister's going to handle this. INT. CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM DAY A BUNSEN BURNER -- as a VIAL containing blue liquid is held to the flame. The solution magically changes from blue to yellow. Wearing goggles, Tracy holds the beaker with chemist's tongs Her two LAB PARTNERS observe. The classroom door and a STUDENT approaches the teacher, MR. BECKMAN, to deliver a note. MR. BECKMAN Tracy? Tracy looks up through her goggles. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY LONG TRACKING SHOT . - of Tracy as she leaves the classroom. AS she walks through the .desolate halls and descends a flight of stairs, she holds her head high, suggesting a serene, almost regal confidence. TRACY (VO) When I arrived at school that morning, I was shocked to find that one of my key banners had been removed by vandals. I noticed that a few of my rival's posters had also been tampered with. Of course, I was outraged, but one day before the election is not the time to lose your head over a couple of posters. When you're in the public eye, attacks like that just come with the territory. Finally she reaches the INT. SCHOOL OFFICE DAY Upon seeing Tracy, MISS LINDA BEEDER, the "They 're-all-my-kids office administrator, points wordlessly to an open door of a conference room. JIM is inside. JIM Tracy. Come on in. And shut the door behind you. She goes in and closes the door in our face. INT. LITTLE CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY Tracy is seated in a chair. JIM hovers above her, alternately leaning on a desk and pacing. JIM I guess you know why you're here TRACY If it's about the posters, I think it's so awful. It's a travesty. JIM A travesty. Huh. That's interesting, because I think you did it. TRACY Wait - are you accusing me? You're not serious. (indignant) I can't... Mr. McAllister, we have worked together on SGA for three solid years and... I mean, I can't believe it. I'm... I'm shocked! JIM stares at her. TRACY (CONT'D) Mr. M., I am running on my qualifications. I would never need to resort to, you know, to vandalism like a, you know... Plus, my own best banner was torn down. Did I do that too? JIM Were you or were you not working in the Watchdog office over the weekend? TRACY I was. So? Mr. Pecharda let me in. As you know, with all my responsibilities I often come in on the weekend and have permission to do so. But I left very early, around 6:30. JIM 6:30. How do you know what time the posters were torn down? TRACY I don't. I just know they were there when I left. I'm giving you helpful information is all. You know, instead of wasting time interrogating me, we should be out there trying to find out who did this. JIM Okay, Tracy, so who do you think did it? Whom should we "interrogate?" TRACY well, I don't know. It could have been anybody. There are a lot of, you know, subversive elements around Millard. You know, like Rick Thieson and Kevin Speck and those burn-outs. Or Doug Schenken - what about him? Or what about Tammy Metzier? Her whole thing is being anti- this and anti-that. JIM shifts gears JIM You're a very intelligent girl, Tracy. You have many admirable qualities. But someday maybe you'll learn that being smart and always being on top and doing whatever you need to do to get ahead, and yes, stepping on people to get there, well, there's a lot more to life than that. And in the end, you're only cheating yourself. TRACY Why are you lecturing me? JIM This isn't the time or the place to get into it, but there is, for just one example, a certain former colleague of mine, who made a very big mistake, a life mistake. I think the lesson there is that, old and young, we ail make mistakes, and we have to learn that our actions, all of them, can carry serious consequences. You're very young, Tracy underage, in fact -- but maybe one day you'll understand. TRACY I don't know what you're referring to, but I do know that if certain older and wiser people hadn't acted like such little babies and gotten all mushy, everything would be okay. JIM I agree. But I also think certain young and naive people need to thank their lucky stars and be very, very grateful the whole school didn't find out about certain indiscretions which could have ruined their reputations, and chances to win certain elections. TRACY And I think certain older persons like you and your "colleague" shouldn't be leaching after their students, especially when some of them can't even get their own wives pregnant. And they certainly shouldn't be running around making slanderous accusations. Especially when certain young, naive people's mothers are para-legal secretaries at the city's biggest law firm and have won many successful lawsuits. And if you want to keep questioning me like this, I won't continue without my attorney present. JIM draws a long breath as he tries to control himself JIM Okay, Tracy. Have it your way. There's a KNOCK. JIM and Tracy turn to see TAMMY METZLER timidly poking her head in. TAMMY You wanted to see me, Mr. M.? JIM Just wait outside. Tammy. TAMMY Okay. But is this about the posters? JIM Possibly. Please just wait outside. TAMMY Okay. (looking at Tracy) Because I know who did it. So.. I'll just be outside. Tammy manages to squeeze in a naughty little smile before closing the door. INT. OUTER OFFICE DAY Tammy sits patiently in a chair, bobbing to an unheard song. The door opens, and Tracy emerges. JIM Tracy, don't go away. Come in, Tammy. As Tammy and Tracy cross, Tracy speaks in a low voice but loud enough for JIM to hear. TRACY This ought to be good INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY Tammy sits facing Jim, cradling her backpack. JIM So... what do you have to tell me? TAMMY Well, this is hard for me, but I think it's important to be honest. Don't you? JIM (impatient) What is it. Tammy? TAMMY I'm the one. I did it. I tore down Paul's posters. JIM Looks at her skeptically doesn't say a word. TAMMY (CONT'D) I did it. JIM And when did you do it? TAMMY This weekend. JIM Exactly when? TAMMY I don't know. Yesterday. Sunday. JIM And how did you get in the school? TAMMY Door was open. JIM Which door? TAMMY I don't know. All I know is I did it I JIM I don't believe you. TAMMY I have proof. She burrows in her backpack. INT. OUTER OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS Tracy stands up from her seat and manages to PEEK THROUGH THE WINDOW of the conference room. She sees -- pulling out a handful of POSTER SHREDS from her backpack and handing them to Jim. Tracy turns away and covers her mouth with one hand. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM CONTINUOUS THE POSTER FRAGMENTS in Jim's hands. TILT UP to Tammy really hamming it up. TAMMY You don't know what it's like to grow up in the shadow of an older brother like Paul. it's always Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Never Tammy. I'm only Paul's little sister. You must be Paul's little sister. He's so perfect, and I'm so troubled. I hate him! I hate him! And I tore down his posters, It was a horrible, cowardly act, but I did it,.. I did it... l did it... And I'm not sorry... JIM watches her performance until he can't take it anymore he's got other fish to fry. JIM Final I don't know what your problem is, but if that's the way you want it, that's the way it'll be. I don't have time. You're out of the election, and I'm turning you over to Dr. Hendricks. He throws the door open. JIM (CONT'D) Tracy? INT. OUTER OFFICE CONTINUOUS Tracy is frightened but still plays the indignant victim. TRACY Yes? JIM Looks like today's your lucky day What does he mean? TRACY What do you mean? JIM You're off the hook. Tammy here has confessed. It takes Tracy a second to figure out how to react. But once she's got it, she runs with it. TRACY I told you! I told you! (pointing at Tammy) You're going to pay for my banner! JIM That's enough, Tracy. Quit while you're ahead, okay? I'll handle this. (to Hiss Seeder) Could you ask Walt to come in? STAFFROOM DAY JIM is feverishly TYPING. JIM (VO) The rest of the day was unbearable. I kept smelling Sherry on my clothes and on my fingers and I just couldn't wait to get out of there. He yanks the paper out of the carriage and hurries away. INT. XEROX ROOM -- DAY A PHOTOCOPY COLLATOR in operation. JIM pulls sheets out and stacks them. JIM (VO CONT'D) I wanted everything to be perfect that afternoon, so I decided to give myself a little time to prepare during eighth period. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY Students are settling into their seats. JIM breezes in, a sheaf of papers fucked under his arm. JIM Pop quiz, everybody The class groans. JIM (CONT'D) No whining. If you've done your reading, this is an easy one. JIM peels off a stack of papers for each row JIM (VO) I'd have exactly forty-eight minutes to make all the arrangements. JIM glances at the clock: 2:08 JIM If you finish early, just sit quietly and check your work. I'll be right back. POOF -- he's gone I EXT. MILLARD HIGH DAY TRACK WITH JIM as he SPRINTS toward the parking lot, fumbling for his keys. EXT. WALGREEN'S -- DAY JIM exits with a bouquet of flowers and a plastic bag. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL -- DAY Jim's car speeds into the driveway and parks INT. SAFARI MOTEL ROOM -- DAY JIM opens the door, sets his things down, and gets to work. THE SINK -- JIM dumps a bucketful of ICE and wedges in a bottle of cheap CHAMPAGNE. THE BEDSIDE TABLE - JIM props up his flowers in the ice bucket and puts a small box of Russell Stover's CANDY next to it. He unwraps the motel's plastic cups and places them just so. Perfect. JIM'S BOOK OF POETRY -- open to that special poem. He marks it with a carnation. UNDER THE BED -- Jim's face appears as he kneels down and slides the book into place, ready for that perfect moment. THE BATHROOM - Where JIM is NAKED now, squatting in the bathtub, frantically washing his undercarriage. He checks his watch. EXT: SAFARI MOTEL ROOM DAY JIM shuts the door and with jaunty confidence slips the key into his pocket. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL DAY Jim's car speeds toward the street. EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT -- DAY JIM gets out of his car and races back toward the school. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY JIM skids around a corner. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY With feigned coolness, he saunters into class just as the BELL RINGS. JIM Okay, everybody, pass them forward. Stephanie, put down your pen. The class begins to rise. JIM (CONT'D) I'll see you all on Wednesday. And don't forget to vote tomorrow. FROM BEHIND - Jim's back has a large vulva-shaped patch of SWEAT EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT -- DAY JIM hurries back to his car, weaving his way through students EXT. SHERRY'S HOUSE -- DAY JIM pulls to a stop in Sherry's driveway. INT. JIM'S CAR JIM checks his watch: 3:24 turns into 3:25 Bingo EXT. SHERRY ' S HOUSE DAY JIM'S FINGER on the doorbell. DING-DONG. JIM waits, rings again. Ho answer. He knocks. No one. He tries the door. Locked. Maybe she's out back. He walks around the house to -- EXT. SHERRY'S BACKYARD CONTINUOUS It's a lovely little backyard. Springtime flowers bloom. Bees buzz among the peonies. JIM opens the gate, approaches the back door, and knocks. JIM Sherry I He rears back and aims his yell toward the second floor. JIM (CONT'D) Sherry I It's Jim! No response. He tries the door. It's locked. JIM cranes his neck for a last look at the house. As he starts to leave, he calls out one final time, not really expecting a response. JIM Sherry Suddenly A WASP STINGS him above his right EYE JIM (CONT'D) Oww! Fuck! Jesus fuck! Cursing and holding his head, JIM stumbles out the gate INT. SAFARI MOTEL LOBBY - DAY Through the glass windows, we see Jim's car pull into the lot and park. JIM enters the lobby. His eye is puffy and red. A MOTEL EMPLOYEE watches TV behind the counter JIM By any chance, has a woman shown up in the last half-hour or so? Maybe she was looking for me. EMPLOYEE Nobody's come in here looking for anybody. Just you. JIM Are you sure? EMPLOYEE (indicating Jim's eye) You okay? INT. SAFARI MOTEL ROOM DAY THE TELEPHONE - as JIM punches in Sherry's number. JIM holds the phone against his ear and the champagne bottle against his eye. JIM Sherry, it's me. Are you there? Pick up. Okay, it's 4:32. I came by at 3:25 like we said and waited, but you weren't there. Anyway, I hope you're okay -- I'm worried about you. So now I'm just at the... at the place we talked about. Suite 219. So I'm here. Everything's all set. You can just come over. Can't wait. Okay. Bye. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL DAY TIME LAPSE - as the sky darkens, the motel's NEON SIGN turns on. JIM now descends the motel stairway carrying his Walgreen's sack. He puts the key into the drop box and gets in his car. INT. METZLER KITCHEN -- NIGHT Dick Metzier and his wife JO are at the breakfast table Tammy sits across from them, her eyes lowered. DICK METZIER I don't get it. What you have against your mother and me, against your brother Paul, is completely beyond me. And your mother is extremely upset, she's at the end of her rope. Your behavior gets crazier and crazier and wilder and wilder, and who knows what the hell else you're doing out there that we don't even know about? TAMMY Dad, I DICK (jabbing his finger) Don't you smartass me! Don't you dare smartass me! You just shut your mouth I (taking a breath) Now your mother and I have had a long talk with Halt Hendricks --- we just got off the phone with him at home. You know, he doesn't want you back at Millard. He's fed up with you. Fed up! And I don't blame him! JO Dick... Dick,.. DICK What? JO (calmly) Tammy, now we've come to a decision. He just think it would be best -- DICK You're going to Catholic school next year. You're going to Sacred Heart. Maybe they'll straighten you out! ANGLE FROM UNDER THE TABLE - Her head low. Tammy SMILES to herself EXT. JIM'S HOUSE NIGHT JIM'S car pulls into the driveway. INT. JIM AND DIANE'S KITCHEN NIGHT JIM enters the back door and sets his satchel down in the usual place. He opens the refrigerator, grabs a beer. As he closes the door, something catches his eye. He reaches inside and throws a plastic container away. Rooting around noisily, he finds other things to dispose of. Suddenly -- A BABY CRY stops him cold. JIM stiffens, his good eye widening as the horrible truth sinks in. He carefully closes the refrigerator and tiptoes toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Jim's face slowly appears around the corner, bad eye first. Finally, he's able to see -- SHERRY AND DIANE together on the living room sofa, staring at him. Their eyes are red from crying. Little Darryl squirms in Sherry's lap. Caught, JIM emerges from his hiding place. No one speaks. Finally, he looks down, sucks in air, blows it out again, nods a little. JIM (very softly) Okay He turns to leave, and nobody stops him. EXT. JIM'S HOME -- NIGHT JIM wanders out the front door and stands in his driveway, bewildered and alone. The camera slowly CRANES UP, eventually looking down on him from a great height. JIM (VO) As I walked out of my home that evening, unsure if I'd ever return, my entire life in question, I somehow discovered within myself a place of perfect peace. Oddly, in my solitude I felt more than ever a sense of communion with every human being - past, present and future. Because no matter what we tell ourselves, no matter what illusions of friendship and family we create, each of us is always and forever profoundly alone. INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM NIGHT FROM OVERHEAD - Tracy slides out of her bed and kneels beside it TRACY Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with You and ask for things, but now I really must insist that You help me win the election tomorrow, because I deserve it and Paul Metzier doesn't, as You well know. l realize that it was Your divine hand that disqualified Tammy, and now I'm asking that You go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong, so that I may carry out Your will on Earth as it is in Heaven. If elected I promise that I will pray more often. Okay? Amen. EXT. TAMMY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT FROM OVERHEAD -- Tammy wears a white t-shirt and underwear and kneels at her bedside. TAMMY (VO) Dear God, I know I don't believe in you, but since I'll be starting Catholic school soon, I thought I should practice. Let's see... what do I want? I want people to be nicer to each other. I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she has been and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants... and someday I want to be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy INT. PAUL'S BEDROOM FROM OVERHEAD -- Paul lies in bed looking at the heavens beyond his ceiling, PAUL (VO) Dear God, thank You for all Your blessings. You have given me so many things, like good health, nice parents, a nice truck, and what I've been told is a large penis, and I'm very grateful. But I sure am worried about Tammy. In my heart I still can't believe she tore down my posters, but sometimes she does get so weird and angry. Please help her be a happier person, because she's so smart and sensitive, and I love her. Also, I'm nervous about the election tomorrow, and I guess I want to win and all, but I know that's totally up to You. You'll decide who the best person is, and I'll accept it. And forgive my sins, whatever they may be. Amen. FADE OUT INT. JIM'S CAR -- NIGHT JIM sits parked outside of Sherry's house, a SLURPEE held against his now grotesquely swollen eye. He is so tired and pain-ridden that he practically gasps for breath. JIM (VO) Sherry never came home that night. I know, because I spent the entire night in her driveway. INT. TRACY'S KITCHEN -- DAWN Tracy and her mom are hard at work frosting cupcakes. TRACY (VO) Mom and I got up at five AM, and together we custom-iced three hundred and fifty cupcakes. CLOSE ON A CUPCAKE - as "PICK FLICK" is written on it with a yellow icing tube. MRS. Flick cheerfully performs her task. She hums. TRACY (VO CONT'D) I remember she was so happy, like there was nothing in the world she'd rather be doing. Besides me and her job, I guess my mom doesn't have much of a life. She hasn't dated anyone since Frank, and she hardly ever buys new clothes for herself or travels. TRACY Mom? MRS. FLICK Hmmm? TRACY I think I'm going to lose today MRS. FLICK What are you talking about? This time tomorrow, you'll be president TRACY You really think so? Mrs. Flick puts an arm around her daughter MRS. FLICK Tracy Flick's a winner. EXT. SHERRY'S HOUSE DAWN Jim's car has not moved from its spot on the driveway. Its windows are now fogged. A LOUD GARBAGE TRUCK rumbles by. INT. JIM'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS Reclined in his car seat, mouth open as he sleeps, JIM is awakened by the truck. His breath steams. His eye has turned bluish. He tries to wipe the condensation from the windshield, but it's on the outside. EXT. SHERRY'S DRIVEWAY -- CONTINUOUS JIM opens the door and looks around -- no sign of Sherry's car. He stiffly walks to the side of the garage and unzips his pants to pee. Now cradling his head on the roof of his car, JIM gathers what little strength he has, gets in, and tries to start the cold engine. JIM (VO) I had no choice but to go home. I needed to shower, get fresh clothes, explain what I could to Diane. But what was I going to say? That our marriage had become a charade? That making love with Sherry had given me a vision of a better life? THE TAILPIPE finally coughs out a cloud of exhaust INT./EXT. JIM'S CAR DAWN JIM drives, bleary-eyed. He creeps along his tree-lined middle-class block. JIM (VO CONT'D) Then again, maybe I could slip in and out without waking her up. JIM slows to a stop, looks with dread at his home EXT. JIM'S HOUSE CONTINUOUS On the front porch sits A GYM BAG. JIM approaches, stares numbly at the bag. Drawing a long breath, he bends over and picks it up. Attached is a NOTE reading: "Don't come in." EXT. MILLARD HIGH DAWN At the foot of the main walk to the school, Tracy and her mother are setting up a CARD TABLE covered with little pink cakes. Jim's Ford Escort chugs its way through the fog and comes to a stop. Looking like a war refugee, JIM emerges from his car carrying the gym bag and heads toward school. TRACY (chirping) Good morning, Mr. M. JIM stops, turns slowly, regards mother and daughter with a crazed, one-eyed, uncomprehending stare. TRACY (CONT'D) (holding one out) Looks like you could use a cupcake! JIM takes it wordlessly. AS he heads up the walkway, he eats it in two huge bites, like a feral animal. TRACY (CONT'D) (calling out) What's wrong with your eye? Are you OK? INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM -- DAY IN THE SHOWERS JIM scrubs himself as if to wash his whole life away. JIM (VO) Cupcakes. Jesus Christ. Cupcakes? My life was crumbling, and I was expected to care about these ungrateful kids and their pathetic little dreams. As if my only purpose in life were to serve them. JIM (mocking) Mr. McAllister. Mr. McAllister. Somebody tore down my posters. It's not fair. It's not fair. Can I have an A? Can I have a recommendation? Can I? Can I? AT THE MIRROR JIM adjusts his tie, tries to smooth his wrinkled shirt. JIM (VO CONT'D) Well, fuck them. Didn't I have my own life? Didn't I have my own dreams? He coughs up phlegm and spits it into the sink JIM (VO CONT'D) Cupcakes INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY JIM exits the BOYS' LOCKER ROOM door and bumps into Mr. Beckman. MR. BECKMAN Hey, Jim. Big day today JIM (putting on a smile) Oh, yeah. Big day. INT. SCHOOL OFFICE DAY MISS BEEDER of the school office is at the P.A. MICROPHONE. Walt is behind her. She looks over her shoulder, and Walt gives her the go- ahead. MISS BEEDER Attention, everyone. We have an important announcement from our principal. Dr. Hendricks. Walt gives Miss Beeder a courtesy smile and takes the mike WALT Good morning, students. It, uh, behooves me to inform you of an important change in today's elections. Effective this morning... INT. TEACHERS' OFFICES DAY BALLOT AFTER BALLOT -- as a black magic marker crosses out Tammy's name. JIM sits at his desk and carries out his absurd task. He stops and stares. His thoughts wander far, far away. WALT (OS CONT'D) . .. sophomore Tammy Metzier has been... Metzier has been determined ineligible - I repeat: ineligible -- for SGA president. You may not vote for Tammy Metzier. All other candidates are eligible. Now please pay attention to a very important, uh, audio-visual presentation. (irritated, thinking he's off) Linda, who typed this thing? I said I need all caps.... INT. TV AND MILLARD CLASSROOMS DAY CLOSE ON A TV-- mounted in the corner. An educational video is just beginning. Host CLARK NAYLOR sits on the edge of a desk in a generic office set. During the video, we cut to CLASSROOMS, where from the TV's point of view, we see the students watching: English class shop class, gym class, biology class. CLARK (ON TV) Hello, students, I'm Clark Naylor of Joslyn's Educational Resources. It's election day, and how you vote will make a big difference in the activities, events, and perhaps even the policies of your school. Over the past few days or weeks, you've heard candidates for the various offices make their speeches and tell you where they stand. You've probably seen their posters. Maybe you've even had a chance to speak with them personally. CLOSE-UPS OF STUDENTS Now replace the wider shots of classrooms. Photographed as though from a Soviet propaganda film, some students look up nobly and attentively, while others watch with dead eyes and open mouth, and still others goof off. CLARK (ON TV CONT'D) Well, today marks the end of campaigning, and now the spotlight turns to you. Voting is your privilege and your responsibility. Remember, no one needs to know for whom you've voted. That's between you. . . and you. An AFRICAN-AMERICAN TEENAGER walks up to Clark. CLARK (ON TV CONT'D) Now I'd like to introduce you to Tony. Tony's going to show you how to cast your vote. Are you ready, Tony? TONY (ON TV) I think s0 CLARK (ON TV) Good. Let's get started INT. MILLARD HALLWAY NEAR OF-PICE -- DAY JIM slinks down the hall and ducks into a PHONE BOOTH. He fishes change out of his pocket and dials. We hear the echo of the video emanating from all the classrooms. SHERRY'S VOICE (VO) Hi. You've reached the Novotnys. We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon. Have a nice day. JIM Are you there? Sherry, are you there? It's Jim. (suddenly angry) Why did you do that? I trusted you. Completely. You've ruined my life. Do you know that? Do you realize that? Huh? Do you? You've ruined Diane's life. You ruined my life. is that what you wanted? (recovering) I'm sorry. It's just... I'm going nuts here. Okay, all right, so... Really, I'm sorry. I just think we should talk, okay? I love you. INT. TEACHERS' OFFICES -- DAY JIM crosses out more ballots, this time with perverse intensity. JIM (VO) If only my own life could be corrected so easily, with nice fat black lines drawn neatly through my sins. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S NAME - as it is blackened. We WIPE with the motion of the magic marker to: INT. LITTLE SALLY ANN SHOP DAY SWISH! The curtain of the dressing room is drawn back, and there's Tammy. She beams and walks toward -- A THREE-PANEL MIRROR, where she takes herself in, dressed in her new Catholic schoolgirl UNIFORM. The SALESLADY converses nearby with Jo Metzier. SALESLADY And Sacred Heart is such a good school. Excellent school. The public schools are going downhill, as far as I'm concerned. JO Well, we've had good luck at Millard, but for this one it's time for a change. Tammy spins and admires the flip of the skirt. SALESLADY So what do you think? Sacred Heart has the prettiest. They have that nice hint of purple. TAMMY (lying) I hate it. JO You're just going to have to get used to it. TAMMY Please, morn. Please don't make me go to Sacred Heart. I beg you. JO (to saleslady) We'll take two. INT. MILLARD HIGH CAFETERIA DAY Makeshift POLLING BOOTHS are set up just outside the cafeteria. Behind two tables sit TWO TEACHERS who cross out voters' names on big master computer lists. Tracy stands in line, not-so-patiently waiting her turn. TRACY (VO) When the time came to cast our votes, I stood in line just like everyone else. She finally reaches the front of the line. TEACHER Hi, Tracy TRACY Tracy Enid Flick. TEACHER I know. Tracy goes into a VOTING BOOTH and quickly hands her ballot. sophomore PHIL CHOY stands nearby with his CAMERA. TRACY Phil you ready? PHIL Ready. Tracy exits the booth and heads toward the BALLOT BOX. She inserts her ballot halfway and freezes, smiling. Phil snaps a picture, but - PHIL Just a second. My flash. Tracy remains perfectly still while Phil fiddles with his camera. A STUDENT stands behind her, waiting to put his ballot in the box. STUDENT Come on, Tracy. TRACY (through her smile) Just wait. FLASH! Phil gets his shot and Tracy drops her ballot in. TRACY Thanks, Phil. On her way out Tracy passes Paul at the end of the line. He gives her an enthusiastic THUMBS UP. PAUL Way to go, Tracy! Isn't this exciting? TRACY (awkward) Yeah. PAUL Hell, good luck! TRACY (reluctant) Good luck to you too, Paul. PAUL Thanks! INT. VOTING BOOTH Paul scans his ballot, struggles with his decision. PAUL (VO) It's so weird. DO people always just vote for themselves? 'Cause looking at my own name on the ballot, I just... I don't know, I just felt like it's not right to vote for yourself. THE BALLOT - as Paul's pen puts an "X" next to the name "Tracy Flick INT. MILLARD HALLWAYS DAY THE BALLOT BOX is being carried through the halls and up some stairs by Larry Fouch and three other STUDENT COUNCIL MEMBERS. The music suggests the weighty importance of its contents and the sacred mission of its bearers. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM - DAY JIM is hunkered over his desk. He's a wreck: dark, dark circles under his eyes; his hair didn't dry right -- frizzy here, matted there. And he's near tears. Larry Fouch and his retinue enter cheerfully LARRY Okay, Mr. M. Larry drops the ballot box on Jim's desk JIM What? Right. So let's start counting. LARRY Well, I thought that... well, the way it always works is that SGA president does a count, then the SGA advisor, you know, for the two independent counts. JIM Fine. So do your count. Start with president, and I'll be right back. LARRY You have the key, Mr. McAllister. JIM doesn't understand at first, then JIM Right. I know. JIM proceeds to sort through his cluttered desk drawers but can't seem to find the key. The council members exchange concerned looks as Jim's search becomes frenzied. LARRY Are you okay, Mr. M.? ANOTHER STUDENT What happened to your eye? JIM I'm fine. It's just a bee sting, a simple little everyday bee sting. Some people, they get stung, it's no big deal. Me, I swell up. Okay? JIM emerges from the drawer wielding a VISE GRIP. He goes to the box and TEARS the entire hardware assembly off. Holding the mangled lock, he turns to the students, who look back STUNNED. JIM (CONT'D) I just want to get this over with, so we can have the assembly and go home. We don't have much time until eighth period. I have other things going on, too, you know. LARRY Okay. Yeah. We know JIM All right. I'll be back INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE SCHOOL OFFICE DAY JIM slinks up to a PAY PHONE, inserts a coin, dials SHERRY'S VOICE (cheery) Hi. You've reached the Novotnys. We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon. Have a nice day. JIM it's me again. I'm sorry for all the calls. But Sherry, if I could just hear your voice, if you'd only acknowledge that I... SHERRY (OS) (picking up phone) What do you want, Jim? JIM You're there. SHERRY (OS) Yeah. I'm here. JIM Sherry... I love you. SHERRY (OS) (loud exhale) Don't say that. You know it's not true. JIM It's the only true thing I know anymore. SHERRY (OS) We made a mistake. Let's not make it worse. JIM A mistake? That was no mistake. SHERRY (OS) I was lonely. You took advantage JIM Me? I took advantage of you? You hugged me! You kissed me! You're the one who -- CLICK. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY It's PASSING PERIOD, and the halls are jammed with students at their lockers and walking to class. JIM is walking quickly back to his classroom. He passes Paul. PAUL Hey, Mr. M. Big day, huh? Jim doesn't even hear. INT. CLASSROOM DAY Larry is just finishing his count. The ballots are on a desk in front of him, neatly organized into three piles. JIM enters. JIM (impatient) What d'you got? LARRY I'm not supposed to tell. Not until you've counted too. We're each supposed to make an independent count. JIM You're kidding, right? LARRY I thought those were the rules, Mr. McAllister. If they've changed in any way -- JIM Larry, we're not electing the fucking Pope here. Just tell me who won. Jim's use of profanity scares Larry, and he responds reluctantly LARRY It's a squeaker, Mr. M. I've got Tracy by a vote. Just one vote. Jim, who hasn't cared about any of this today, suddenly takes note. He stares blankly at Larry as the news sinks in. LARRY (CONT'D) Mr. M.? JIM Huh. Okay. Well, I guess I'd better do my count. Jim-scoops up the three piles of ballots and takes them to his desk. INT. HISTORY CLASS DAY CLOSE ON DALE - a junior honors student. He is thinking. The wheels are turning, grinding. Finally -- DALE Sputnik. MR. FLAGG is lecturing, really trying to make history come alive. Tracy takes notes, but she is noticeably distracted. MR. FLAGG Right. And what year was that? DALE 1958? MR. FLAGG Almost. 1957. So the point here is when we found out about Sputnik, we got really scared. It seemed like no matter what we had and kept secret, they could develop it too. A-bombs, h-bombs, rocket ships. And this time we were behind them. So -- February 1961, Kennedy tells Congress and the American people he wants to go to the moon. May 1961, the Apollo program is announced... Tracy just can't take it anymore. She abruptly stands up, takes the GIANT HALL PASS off the lip of the blackboard, and starts to leave. Mr. Flagg gives her a small nod. INT. RAILWAY DAY Tracy nears a room, a special room. She slows down and peeks in the window of the door. She sees -- LARRY FOUCH sitting at the back of the classroom, staring front. Tracy presses her face to see what Larry is staring at -- JIM at his desk counting ballots LARRY catches sight of Tracy in the window. TRACY crosses her fingers by her ears and gives a questioning look LARRY sneaks a guilty look at Jim, absorbed in his counting. Then, against his better judgment flashes Tracy a quick, furtive double THUMBS-UP. TRACY suddenly disappears from the window. IN THE EMPTY HALLWAY - Tracy pogos with unbridled joy TRACY (VO) You know that moment when they announce the winner of a beauty pageant? When Miss Texas or whoever suddenly realizes she's Miss America, and all she can do is scream and weep and hug the losers? I had my moment in the hallway that Tuesday afternoon with no one to hug but myself. She pulls herself together enough to peek through the window of the OTHER DOOR to Jim's classroom, the window behind which JIM is still busily doing his count. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY JIM counts out the last of the ballots, mouthing the numbers to himself. JIM (VO) I was at the end of my count when it happened. I'd come up with exactly the same numbers as Larry: Tracy had won the election by a single vote, 256 to 257. I was about to announce my tally when... JIM looks up and sees TRACY in the window, her face exploding with joy. She FREEZES. We move closer to Jim in SLOW-MOTION. What actually occurs in a split-second is suspended in time JIM (VO CONT'D) The sight of Tracy at that moment affected me in a way I can't fully explain. Part of it was that she was spying, but mostly it was her face. Looking at her, you might think she was a sweet, innocent teenage girl. But she wasn't sweet. And she wasn't innocent. She was selfish and cynical and ambitious and thought nothing of destroying the lives of others to get to the top. who knew how high she would climb in life, how many people would suffer because of her? I had to stop her now. Tracy UNFREEZES and darts out of sight. JIM glances at Larry. Larry is writing in a notebook. JIM'S HAND creeps up from his lap and onto the pile of TRACY VOTES. His fingers nimbly count two ballots and pull them off the desk. JIM coughs as beneath his desk he CRUMPLES THE BALLOTS into a ball and drops them into the wastepaper basket. JIM Larry? LARRY (looking up) Yeah? JIM I think we've got a problem. INT. WALT HENDRICKS'S OFFICE DAY Walt is just finishing counting the ballots on his desk. Larry and JIM stand over him. WALT 253... 254... 255. I get the same as you Jim. Looks like Paul's our president. LARRY No way I It doesn't make sense. WALT Sorry. My figures work out exactly the same as Jim's. 256 for Paul, 255 for Tracy. LARRY And 290 "disregards," right? WALT If you say so. JIM Mostly Tammy fans LARRY See, it doesn't add up. There are only 801 ballots but 803 people voted. Two votes are missing. Check the register. JIM He's right. Two people must have pocketed their ballots. Usually it's more. LARRY But, they were there I counted 803 votes. JIM It happens, Larry. People make mistakes. LARRY I didn't make a mistake. Every vote was there when you sac down WALT Whoa! Easy, Fouch. I don't like where you're going. LARRY I'm telling you. Dr. Hendricks, every vote was accounted for. JIM (stern) Larry? We've got twenty-five minutes until the assembly, and we still have to do counts for VP, Treasurer and Secretary. Mr. Hendricks and I have both verified the numbers, and unless you can come up with the ballots you claim are missing - LARRY But, Mr. M. - WALT Fouch, that's enough! End of story. INT. MILLARD HIGH GYMNASIUM -- DAY AN ASSEMBLY - The students are taking their seats on the bleachers. ON THE FLOOR are all the candidates: three for secretary, two for treasurer, one for vice-president, two for president. PAUL AND TRACY sit side-by-side. Paul seems a little overwhelmed by the whole thing. Tracy leans over and offers her hand. TRACY Paul, I just want you to know that no matter how this turns out, you've run a wonderful campaign. It's been fun competing with you. PAUL Yeah, you too, Tracy. I'm just glad it's over. TRACY Yeah. CLOSE ON PAUL PAUL (VO) You know, I don't understand why everybody bad-mouthed Tracy all the time. She was always super- nice to me. JIM approaches the microphone JIM If we could get started. People! Once the winners are announced, we can all go home, okay? The students quiet down JIM (CONT'D) Some contests are so well fought that is seems unfair for someone to win and someone to lose. I think that's the case with all the candidates you see before you today. All of them are highly qualified and embody the, uh, the integrity we expect from our school leadership. OS TRACY - Jim's voice momentarily recedes. TRACY (VO) Act surprised. Walk slowly to the podium. Be modest. Thank them for this incredible honor. JIM That said, the whole point of an election is to choose winners, and that you have done. We'll begin with president. JIM pulls a folded paper from his back pocket JIM (CONT'D) Let me add that this was an extraordinarily close race. It's my pleasure to announce the next president of Millard High School. Tracy just can't wait. Smiling, she STANDS UP. JIM Paul Metzier! The crowd breaks into applause -- and laughter ON TRACY - AS she sits, her smile belies her horror and humiliation Paul begins his acceptance speech. We cut alternately to a thrilled Lisa; a stunned Tracy, tears forming at the corners of her eyes; and to JIM, who watches the events with shifty eyes, his mouth dry and tasting of metal. PAUL Geez, you guys, thanks a lot. I mean, wow, thanks. I promise to do my best and really do a good job and be a good president. And I want to thank Lisa Flanagan for being a super campaign manager. And I just want to say that I think Tracy would have made a great president too and that she really deserves a big hand. The auditorium erupts into applause and whistles, and JIM takes the microphone again. JIM And now, for vice-president. EXT. COCO'S BAKERY/RESTAURANT DUSK In the growing darkness, the restaurant radiates its distinctive orange glow. The parking lot is nearly empty. INT. COCO'S BAKERY/RESTAURANT DUSK JIM sits alone at a booth by the window, finishing a slice of berry pie. He gets the attention of a WAITRESS and holds up his coffee cup. JIM Could I get a...? As JIM gets his warm-up, in walk the Metziers: Paul, Dick and Jo. JIM notices them as they wait to be seated. He wishes he were invisible. As a PERKY HOSTESS leads the family to a table, Paul spots Jim. Here it comes. PAUL Wow! Mr. McAllister! This is so wild. We came to celebrate my victory, and I can't believe it. Here, these are my parents. JIM stands up awkwardly. DICK METZLER (extending his hand) Hi. Dick Metzier. My wife -- PAUL This is great. JIM (extending his hand) JIM McAllister. JO METZLER (extending her hand) JO Metzier. You know, Paul just thinks the world of you. Oh, if you could just hear him... DICK Yeah, say, apparently you've really come behind him, really helped him out there with the student council thing and all. PAUL I never would have ran if it wasn't for Mr. M. JIM Paul doesn't need any of my help. He's going places. You should be very proud. JO We are DICK Having a problem with your eye there? JO Dick. JIM Just a bee sting. DICK You ought to get that looked at. Shot of cortisone or something. JIM Thanks, I'll be fine. DICK Anyway, we're awful sorry about what went on with our other one, you know, our Tammy. JO We were mortified... JIM Oh, she's not a bad girl. She'll come around. JO ... but we've had some good talks, and I think we're sorting things out. We're starting her at Sacred Heart in the fall. JIM Good school. DICK Say, you're all alone, why don't you join us? PAUL Yeah! JIM Oh, no. No. I'm just finishing up here, and I've got to get home. PAUL (to his parents) Why don't you guys go sit down, okay? I'll catch up in a minute? I want to talk to Mr. M. about some important stuff. DICK All right. Well, sure nice to meet you. JO So nice JIM You bet. The Metziers go, and- Paul slides in across from Jim. PAUL So, Mr. M, I was starting to think about ideas for next year. I was thinking it would be cool to have, like a carnival. With rides. And, you know, it could be for, like. Muscular Dystrophy. JIM tries to smile and seem attentive, but we sense his profound fatigue and his profound sadness. PAUL (CONT'D) And on Halloween we could have a haunted house. But a really good haunted house, not like those cheesy bad ones. You know, more like the radio station ones. This one would be really scary. And for Homecoming -- well, you know how last year's theme was - JIM Paul... Paul.... We'll have plenty of time to get into all this later. A whole year, in fact. Right now I just need to finish my pie and get home. PAUL Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. The wind out of his sails, Paul gets up and is about to go when PAUL (CONT'D) Just one more thing. So, Mr. M., uh, do you think Tracy's going to be okay? I saw her face after the assembly, and I think she's taking it pretty hard. JIM Don't worry about Tracy. She'll be fine. INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM NIGHT CLOSE ON TRACY - her face drained and pallid, her eyes red and bleary: she is exhausted from crying. TRACY One vote... one vote She falls again headlong again into the throes of despair. Her mouth contorts into a rictus of agony, and there issues an almost feral cry of pain. Her anguish grows convulsive. Barbara Flick comes in and sits on the bed. She's carrying a PRESCRIPTION BOTTLE and a glass of milk. BARBARA Why don't you take a couple of my pills, darling? You'll feel better. Tracy takes the pills and sips the milk weakly. Her mother kisses her. BARBARA (CONT'D) Don ' t worry. .. don ' t worry. . . sshhhhh... that's it, baby... that's it, darling. Everything's going to be fine. She lays Tracy on the bed, and Tracy begins to quiet. Barbara kisses her again and rises to leave. At the door she pauses to add a few final words of comfort. BARBARA (CONT'D) Maybe you needed more posters, honey. Or if you'd taken my suggestions about your speech. I don't know. We'll figure it out. EXT. MCAILISTER HOME NIGHT JIM stands at his own back door, beaten and ashamed. He lifts a hand and knocks. After a moment the door opens, and there is Diane. JIM Diane, I... Diane looks at JIM in silence. Her face reveals nothing, but there is a deadness in her eyes. After a moment, she turns back inside, leaving the door open. JIM follows his wife inside, closes the door. The camera moves to peek in the kitchen window, from where we watch JIM and Diane but cannot make out anything they say. JIM (VO) I don't know how Diane and I made it through that night, but we did. Our marriage had gone right to the brink, but in the end I guess it was saved by one simple fact: we truly loved each other. So we made a commitment to begin the painful process of piecing our lives back together. The worst was over; the mistakes of the past were behind us. INT. MILLARD HIGH JIM'S CLASSROOM -- NIGHT A WASTE BASKET peeks out from under Jim's desk. We hear a distinctive rhythmic squeak, and a shadowy head appears in the window. Keys jingle. The door opens, and Lowell turns on the lights. He approaches the waste basket and slides it out. EXT. MILLARD HIGH TRACK DAY FROM OVERHEAD - JIM circles the track. ON THE GROUND -- JIM does pushups. Then sit-ups. JIM (VO) The next day held the promise of a new beginning. After all, what harm had really been done? No one was dead. INT. MILLARD OFFICE DAY Now all clean and refreshed and whistling a merry tune, JIM pops in to check his box, giving a wave to Miss Seeder. JIM Hi, Linda. JIM continues to whistle as he looks through his mail. JIM (VO CONT'D) Life would go on, and I would certainly be a stronger and wiser person from the experience. MISS BEEDER Uh, Jim? JIM Hmm? MISS BEEDER Walt needs to see you. JIM Oh. Okay. Still absorbed in his papers, JIM heads over to Walt's door. INT. WALT'S OFFICE CONTINUOUS JIM You rang? JIM stops cold. Walt is not alone. Barbara Flick and a bleary-eyed Tracy are there. So are Larry Fouch, Ron Bell, and Lowell the janitor. Prominently displayed on Walt's desk are TWO CRINKLED BALLOTS. JIM takes an eternal few seconds to absorb what is happening. WALT Mr. McAllister, I hope you can help us clear something up. BARBARA Look at his face! He knows he's been caught. Look at his face! (to Jim) Your ass is grass, Mister! LARRY You said I was a liar You're the liar, you're the -- WALT Larry, you just take it easy All turn and stare at Jim. Come to think of it, he does look awfully guilty. INT. SPANISH CLASS-- DAY MS. HOY leads the class in recitation. Paul responds along with his companeros. MS. HOY Yo -- CLASS pierdo. MS. HOY Tu CLASS pierdes. MS. HOY El/ella - CLASS pierde. A STUDENT AIDE enters the classroom and hands a note to the teacher, who upon reading the note looks up at Paul MS. HOY Senor presidente? The class laughs fondly. Paul looks around, beaming with embarrassment and pride. MS. HOY (CONT'D) Quieren verte en la oficina. PAUL Huh? INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Paul walks down the hall, a bounce in his step on this fine spring morning. PAUL Senor presidente. Yo soy senor presidente... El grande presidente... PAUL (VO) I don't know why, but finding out there was a mistake and I hadn't won the election after all didn't bother me that much. Winning had seemed kind of unreal anyway. I guess I should have voted for myself. Oh, well. Paul reaches the -- INT. SCHOOL OFFICE CONTINUOUS and enters Walt's office. Everyone is there WALT (standing up) Take a seat, son. We've got something hard to tell you. PAUL Is Tammy okay? WALT She's okay. It's about the election. Walt closes the door in our faces. We hold on the door. JIM (VO) After Paul got the bad news, Walt asked for a few minutes alone with me. It was very simple, really. I offered my resignation, and he accepted. Very quietly, it was all over for JIM McAllister at Millard High - twelve years of hard work down the drain. The door opens revealing that only wait and JIM remain. The office staff is hushed as JIM the Zombie Cyclops emerges into the office and walks somberly toward Miss Boeder. His voice quavers at half-volume. JIM Walt will be speaking with you about this, but I need you to find someone to take over my classes. The lesson plans for the rest of the year are in my top right drawer. MISS BEEDER Okay, Jim. I understand. JIM Thanks. Well. I'm going home now. EXT. HILLARD HIGH (REAR PROJECTIOH) -- DAY As JIM moves toward the parking lot, the school recedes in an odd REAR PROJECTION that suggests he is floating. The MUSIC here reinforces the gravity of the moment, the inevitability of his fate. JIM stops walking, and a disembodied STEEPING WHEEL floats into his hands. The scene behind changes to: INT./EXT. JIM'S CAR REAR PROJECTION - DAY The city passing by outside is another strange REAR PROJECTION. JIM grips the floating steering wheel and makes turns wildly out-of-sync with the background. JIM (VO) I don't remember driving home, or much of anything that happened in the next few days. JIM lets go of the steering wheel, and it drifts away. JIM turns his back to camera to face - INT. MCALLISTER HOUSE (REAR PROJECTIOH) -- DAY JIM drifts toward his house, and it absorbs him through the front door. INT. MCALLISTER LIVING ROOM - DAY We're no longer in rear-projection land: reality has caught up with Jim. As he walks across the room, he strips off his shirt, shoes, socks, and finally pants. Left only in his underwear, he walks through the house and out into the - EXT. MCALLISTER BACKYARD DAY and flops down in the grass, facing the sky. JIM (VO CONT'D) There were news stories in the paper and on television, former students calling with their support, endless hours of doing nothing, thinking nothing. A shadow falls over Jim's face, and a hand offers him a glass of iced tea. Grateful, JIM takes it, and looks up at - DIANE, her head blocking the sun. JIM (VO CONT'D) Diane stood by me through the entire humiliating ordeal, in a way, it sort of evened things out between us. Diane leaves. JIM looks up at the sky. JIM (VO CONT'D) Soon school was over, and summer stretched out in front of me as it always had. Funny how the rhythm of the school year remains ingrained in you for life. in mid-June we found out Diane was pregnant. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear the opening bars of a bouncy TIJUANA BRASS SONG. EXT. METZLER CEMENT PLANT NIGHT PAUL IS DANCING, twisting to the music at a PARTY, a giant grin on his face, a big sombrero with tassels on his head. Behind him we can see an enormous illuminated GRAVEL CONVEYOR. SUPER-IMPOSED: "ONE YEAR LATER." PAUL (VO) Senior year was great I Sure, I didn't get to play ball or be president, but I got elected homecoming king and prom king anyway. I got into Nebraska like I wanted and early-rushed Phi Delts. At the end of the year me and my buddies threw a hitching Mexican party down at the cement plant. Shit, that was a good party. That was a good party! LATER -- Paul is at a KEG, pumping it up and serving himself a beer. He takes a sip, seems to grow pensive. PAUL (VO CONT'D) The only really bad thing about senior year was Lisa. Right before Christmas she dumped me. One minute she's totally in love with me and then boom she's going out with my football buddy Randy. Paul looks over at LISA dancing suggestively with RANDY Paul looks sad, takes another gulp, waves at unseen friends. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I'd actually won the election. Maybe my whole life would be different. Like I might never have gone to Yosemite with Greg and Travis. Paul takes a BIG GULP and looks into camera. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Or maybe I'd be dead. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear a distinctive AIRY HISS. INT. SACRED HEART BATHROOM DAY Tammy takes a big toke off a JOINT. TAMMY (VO) Catholic school was great! Tammy and JENNIFER, a Sacred Heart schoolmate, are jammed into a bathroom stall. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I mean, the teachers kind of sucked, and they were supposedly way more strict, but you could get away with murder. Tammy hands off the doob to Jennifer, who takes a huge hit. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) The best thing about Sacred Heart was meeting Jennifer. Jennifer looks at Tammy. Tammy looks at Jennifer JENNIFER MONTAGE - accompanied by the early '70's song, "Jennifer." SUPER-8 style glimpses of Tammy and Jennifer in the Sacred Heart hallways, Jennifer in the park, Jennifer dancing in Tammy's room, and finally, Jennifer SWINGING. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) All those feelings I had for Lisa were just preparing me for the real thing. Jennifer and I are soul mates, and we're never, ever, ever going to be apart. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear the MURMUR of a small crowd, interrupted by the BANG, BANG, BANG of a GAVEL. TRACY (VO) Senior year was very productive for me and full of personal achievement. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL OFFICE DAY Tracy officiates a MEETING. Next to her at the head table is Jerry Raynor and other council members. TRACY Order. Order. Order I Can we vote on this? Those in favor. TRACY (VO) On top of a very successful student council year, I got into Cornell like I wanted, with scholarships, and I was in the top 7th percentile of my graduating class. TRACY Approved EXT. PARK DAY Tracy walks along the edge of a pond on this overcast day, Her arms are crossed, and she wears an oversized woolen sweater. Wind blows softly through her hair. TRACY (VO CONT'D) But sometimes I got lonely, and I'd think about Dave. I missed our talks. Maybe it could have worked out between us. I don't know. INT. REAL VALU HARDWARE DAY Wearing the red vest and "Ask me" button of a Real Valu foot soldier, Dave stands above a case of SPRAY PAINT. He is stamping prices on every cap. TRACY (VO CONT'D) I wonder what he's doing now. Maybe he finally finished his novel INT. MILLARD CAFETERIA - DAY It's ANNUAL distribution time, and crowd of excited students are lined up to get their precious book of memories. Many have already received theirs and are crowded around dining tables, gleefully exchanging bans mots. Tracy takes her annual and quickly opens it to the INDEX. CLOSE ON TRACT'S NAME - followed by a whopping list of page references TRACY (VO) When the yearbooks came out, I was on almost every page. EXT. MILLARD PARKING LOT - DAY Tracy walks outside hugging her yearbook and sees PAUL AT HIS TRUCK, surrounded by supplicants. Tracy stops for a moment and watches. She gathers her courage and heads toward him. Paul doesn't even notice her, so occupied is he with his friends and admirers. TRACY Paul, will you sign my yearbook? PAUL Sure, Tracy. Paul takes the book, efficiently finds the page with his picture, and goes to work. TRACY Can I sign yours too? PAUL Oh, yeah, sure. (to a friend) Hey Nolan, give my book to Tracy when you're done* Nolan finishes and hands the book over. Tracy turns to the front pages and finds them completely filled, as are the end pages. Now she looks for her picture. When she finds it, it's almost completely obscured by part of some ASSWIPE 'S long, illegible, exclamation point-filled message. Finally, she locates an available space and begins to write. TRACY (VO) I thought very carefully about what to write. Because despite everything that had happened with the election, I really wished him well. I even signed it... CLOSE ON - Tracy writing: "Love, Tracy" beneath her inscription Tracy takes Paul's book back to him. He's already working on another annual and barely looks up when he swaps with her. PAUL Thanks, Tracy. Tracy starts to walk away and Paul stops her PAUL (CONT'D) Hey, Tracy I.. She turns around expectantly TRACY Yes, Paul? PAUL Have a great summer. And good luck at college. TRACY (genuinely moved) Thanks. You too. It was great working with you. Tracy opens the book as she walks and stops when she finds AN ALMOST BLANK PAGE with Paul's puny inscription at the bottom: Have a great Summer! Good luck at college Paul Metzier' INT. TRACY'S ROOM DAY Tracy looks at herself in a mirror, as though dispassionately assessing her own face. Then she begins to put on lipstick. TRACY (VO) After graduation, I don't know. ; somehow felt empty inside. I guess high school just seemed so meaningless now and I couldn't wait to get out of Omaha. Next year I was going to make all new friends. Smarter, more ambitious friends. It was time to move on. There was nothing left for roe here. I just had one more thing to take care of. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK comes the sound of a BUSY COMMERCIAL STREET. JIM (VO) After two months of sitting on my ass and two months helping out at my brother-in-law's travel agency... EXT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY A standard-issue car dealership: banner-draped lot, glass enclosed showroom. JIM (VO CONT'D) ...I landed a position at a Saturn dealership. INT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY All those cars and that new-car SMELL IN HIS CUBICLE JIM is typing at his desk across from a 55-ish MALE CUSTOMER. JIM (VO CONT'D) I never thought I'd end up selling cars, but it's not so bad. I like the Saturn philosophy -- it really is a different kind of company. A FRAMED SNAPSHOT on Jim's desk shows Diane and him with the LITTLE ONE. JIM (VO CONT'D) I'm just relieved to have a steady income now that there are three of us. INT./EXT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY QUICK MONTAGE OUTSIDE ON THE LOT JIM saunters toward a client reading stickers. INSIDE THE DEALERSHIP JIM explains features of a CROSS-SECTIONED SATURN THE CLIENT IS IN A DRIVER'S SEAT while JIM leans in from the opposite window, pointing out dashboard features. JIM (VO) Actually, it wasn't so difficult making the transition from teaching to selling. It's like I tell my customers: my role is just to educate people so they can make informed decisions. THE GLASS DOORS TO THE SHOWROOM OPEN, and JIM watches a satisfied customer drive slowly away in a new Saturn Twin Cam. JIM (VO CONT'D) When I send someone home with a new unit, I feel a genuine sense of pride. INT. GRIFFITH SATURN EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM DAY The room consists of mismatched sofas and chairs around a coffee table. There's a TV that no one watches. Sleeves rolled up and tie loosened, JIM eats a sandwich next to TWO OTHER SALESMEN and a FEMALE ACCOUNTANT who like him are eating lunch and watching TV. NO one speaks. JIM (VO CONT'D) So that's about it. Maybe I'll get back to teaching someday, but for the time being, I guess I'm pretty happy where I'm at. A SALESMAN pokes his head in the door. SALESMAN (to Jim) Hey, Professor. There's a young gal out here asking for you. JIM Oh JIM chews quicker and wipes his mouth as he stands up, straightens his tie. SALESMAN (low, as JIM passes) She's a real hot tamale. INT. SHOWROOM DAY JIM walks among the shiny new cars and sees the back of an attractive young woman in a red dress and heels. She turns around: it's Tracy. JIM is truly surprised. TRACY Hello, Mr. M. JIM Hello, Tracy. JIM waits for Tracy to lead the way, but she doesn't JIM (CONT'D) So what brings you here? TRACY I'm looking at new cars. JIM Oh. New cars. I see. Well, you came to the right place TRACY My mother's buying me a new car for college. JIM Huh. Right. College. Wow. Where are you going? Where 'd you get into? TRACY Well, I got in everywhere I applied, but Cornell is my first choice. JIM Good for you. Good for you An uncomfortable pause. JIM shifts gears. JIM (CONT'D) So, are you looking for something sporty or more practical? TRACY Sporty. INT./EXT. THE SPORTY SATURN -- DAY A test drive. JIM is in the passenger seat. Tracy nears the end of the dealership's driveway. TRACY Where to? JIM Anywhere you want. (checks his watch) Just so long as we're not gone more than a half-hour. Tracy turns right. They drive a moment in silence. JIM Handles pretty good, don't you think? TRACY Yeah. JIM Plenty of pep, too. TRACY Uh-huh. JIM And this model comes with ABS and dual air bags standard. TRACY That sounds good. A silence JIM So Tracy? TRACY Yes? JIM Why are you doing this? TRACY Doing what? JIM Coming to see me. Are you trying to. . humiliate me? TRACY Nooo. I just thought... l mean, I am looking for a new car. But I just thought, well, I'm going away soon, and you'll be stuck here and, I don't know, I just think maybe if things had been different we might have been, well, friends. Real friends. And then things would be different. Don't you think? JIM just looks at Tracy - it's so very odd JIM Well, I... I... that's very nice of you. TRACY (excited) I've got an idea. Tracy suddenly signals and takes a right. EXT. OMAHA STREET -- DAY Tracy and JIM and the Saturn zoom by. INT./EXT. SATURN -- DAY Tracy takes a corner and pulls to a stop in front of a modest middle class house. JIM What's this? TRACY My house. Tracy sets the parking brake. Jim's eyes register a suppressed panic. JIM I don't understand. What's the deal? Tracy looks deeply into Jim's eyes. TRACY I want you to do something for me. JIM Swallows, unsure what heaven or hell awaits him. TRACY (getting out) I just have to get something. I'll be right back. Tracy heads toward the house. JIM sits and waits. He scans Tracy's house, notices the chipped and peeling paint, the rusting lawn furniture, the bowed porch steps. NOW TRACY opens the door and gets in. She carries her YEARBOOK and gives it to Jim. JIM Oh, is this...? (thumbing through it) God. First one of these I haven't been in for a long time. TRACY Would you sign it for me? Tracy reaches over the parking brake and flips the yearbook to the blank pages at the beginning. JIM What a surprise. TRACY Take as much room as you want JIM removes a pen from his breast pocket and uncaps it. He considers what to write. TRACY (CONT'D) I'm scared, Mr. M. I kind of don't feel ready for college. JIM You'll be fine. TRACY I hope so JIM You will. CLOSE ON JIM He looks at the yearbook. He looks at Tracy. He looks out the windshield. It's all so odd. CLOSE ON THE BLANK PAGE JIM begins to write: "Dear Tracy,"
"Entrapment", early, by Ronald Bass ENTRAPMENT Ronald Bass First Draft Screenplay December 2, 1996 Story by: Ronald Bass and Michael Herzberg EXT. HANCOCK TOWER, CHICAGO - LATE NIGHT Lake Shore Drive. Four o'clock in the morning. Minimal traffic, minimal life. As MAIN TITLES BEGIN, we PAN UP the face of... ...Hancock Tower. Up, up, forty floors, sixty, eighty, very dark up here, street sounds fading fast, and as CREDITS CONTINUE we can just make out... ...a dark FIGURE. Like a spider. Inching its way up the steel surface of the 98th floor, and we CLOSE to see... The THIEF. All in black, nearly invisible, with a sleek visored helmet that conceals the face. Two long, oblong backpacks, climb- ing ropes and harness across back and shoulders, tools at the belt. Moving STRAIGHT UP the face of the skyscraper. How is it possible? CLOSER still to see... ...the piton-like BOLTS are electromagnetic, CLANKING to the steel to support weight. A button releases the magnetic charge when the bolt is pulled up by cords to a higher position. The Thief is remarkably strong and agile, scaling the wall with fluid precision, until... ...our summit. A softly-lit, glass-walled PENTHOUSE on the 100th floor. Subtle spots which bathe paintings, sculptures, in a cavernous coldly-decorated space. Swiftly, deftly, the Thief rigs a suction-mounted HARNESS to the steel casing above a massive window. Pulleys, metal caribiner clips, yellow Kevlar ropes. So superbly practiced, the rigging is placed in seconds, huge SUCTION CUPS pressed to the surface of the glass. The Thief reaches to a metal rectangle at the top of the rigging, touches a button, a motor WHINES, the ropes TIGHTEN and the window... ...POPS FREE, hangs SUSPENDED by the Kevlar ropes which amazingly sustain its awesome weight. The huge pane shudders in the wind, and the Thief slips... ...INTO the Penthouse. Nearby, an ALARM BOX softly BEEPS its 60-second warning to the pulsing of a green light, and the Thief attaches a small computerized DEVICE which runs a series of possible CODES at dazzling speed on its display panel, until... ...the right one STOPS. Illuminated in red. The beeping, the green light, go OFF. The device is removed. Back to the window, air rushing in, attach a similar suction- mounted harness from the inside, all exquisitely engineered to rig in seconds, press new suction cups to the inside of the dangling window pane. A small remote control clicker... ...RELEASES the outside suction cups. The window's weight now supported by the interior rigging. The outside equipment pulled INTO the apartment in a single tug. The WHINE of a motor, and the pane pulls UP, the Thief expertly POPPING it into place. No trace of entry. Rapidly folding the rigging into an astonishingly compact bundle, the Thief SCANS... ...the profusion of priceless art. The paintings run to Otto Dix, Franz Marc, Marcel Duchamp. One statue an obvious Rodin. The soft lighting makes walls seem invisible, everything with an infinity perspective in mind. An obsidian slab dining table that seems to end at the horizon. The Thief has packed the rigging away, taken out a large cylin- drical TUBE bearing a label we can't read. Knows the way, quickly through the spectacular apartment, past oils by early German expressionists, Russian futurists, a Rothko, a Kandinsky, a Francis Bacon. The Thief has no interest in these, and as CREDITS CONTINUE, we enter... ...a powder room. A lime-green poured concrete sink, a copper- plated commode, and across from these... ...a single PAINTING. Unlike the others, clearly an Old Master. A 17th century city on the water, churches, spires, an ancient bridge. The Thief wastes no time, unceremoniously... ...CUTS the painting from its frame with sure, perfect strokes. Rolls it quickly in acid-free paper. Opens the cylindrical tube, pulling out... ...another CANVAS which we cannot see. Deftly unrolls this, fitting it carefully into the stolen painting's now-empty frame. Re-hangs it. Stares for a beat through the opaque helmet visor. Approves. Slips the rolled-up stolen canvas into the empty tube. Leaves. Before we follow, we shift angle to see the replacement canvas... A cheerful acrylic portrait. Bozo the Clown. WITH the Thief now, moving fast, into a panelled library. There is a CHUTE built into the wall, a brass lid with the words U.S. MAIL. The Thief pops the labeled tube DOWN the chute. Gone. Steps... ...onto a bookshelf, reaches up to punch out an overhead grating, and... Disappears into the vent. Reaching back to refit the grating seamlessly into place. INT. VENT Halogen flashlight leading the way, our Thief shimmies down the narrow space, arriving at... ...an open vertical AIR SHAFT, BLASTING air straight up the 100 floor height of the skyscraper, with frightening FORCE. Calmly, the Thief clips on a different harness, unzips a nylon cover from the backpack, and simply... LEAPS DOWN the air shaft, startling the shit out of us, as, for an instant... ...the force of the updraft seems to HOLD the Thief in place, suspended above 100 stories of nothingness. Then suddenly, the Thief... ...DROPS SHARPLY, an exhilarating moment of absolute FREE FALL, until a cord is tugged and... ...a nylon PARACHUTE OPENS with a pop. We watch the Thief drifting lazily down. A ride any kid would pay big money for... EXT. HANCOCK TOWER - LATE NIGHT Our original exterior VIEW of the skyscraper's penthouse. REVERSE ANGLE now to see in far distance... ...the dense forest of silhouetted OFFICE TOWERS of downtown Chicago against the night sky, and we ZOOM TOWARD them, covering miles in three seconds, to CLOSE on... ...the highest floor of the SEARS TOWER, and THROUGH an unlit window to see... ...a TELESCOPE. A silhouetted FIGURE looking through it. SNAP to... VIEW through the scope's lens. An amazingly CLOSE detail of the Hancock Tower Penthouse. The scope now PANS DOWN the length of the Tower, to... The street. The Thief climbing onto a battered old Lambretta. Calm as you please. And as the scooter glides off... We HEAR our unseen voyeur WALK AWAY from our telescope. A door OPENS somewhere, and as CREDITS CONCLUDE, it... Closes. Softly. INT. WEBBER ASSURANCE - DAY A basement corridor. Long, bare, dimly lit. Silent. We're in the bowels of somewhere. A startling CLANK, like a prison cell unlocking. A FIGURE enters the corridor, coming this way, on the hurried side of brisk. HECTOR CRUZ is 42, tanned, fit, graying hair swept back in a Pat Riley do. He wears Riley's Armani, too. Maybe this guy coaches. Heels ECHO until he reaches a plain door with discreet lettering... NO ADMITTANCE FOR ANY REASON. There is a dull silver rectangle below the words. He holds his hand up to it... Nothing happens. Shit. Dries his palm on his perfectly-creased slacks. One more time. CLICK. Enters... INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY An unexpectedly VAST semi-circular room, the entire inner circum- ference made up of a single continuous WALL SCREEN, separated into a seamless array of IMAGES... Three-dimensional rotating GRAPHICS of every room in the Hancock Tower Penthouse, SCHEMATICS of electrical, plumbing, and ventila- tion systems. See-through rotating multicolored models of every piece of security EQUIPMENT imaginable, components FLASHING as performance simulations are run. Rapid-fire sequences of indiv- idual human PROFILES, complete with photos and bio blurbs. Screens flickering with blizzards of DATA, hurtling past at warp speed. The Pentagon and CNN would kill for this room. The largest segment of screen, twenty feet square, runs a LIVE FEED from the crime scene. The living room of the Penthouse, crawling with slow-moving cops and technicians, doing their slow-moving thing. Surrounding this image are a dozen smaller screens, showing this and other rooms from a variety of camera angles. All live. We see the library, the mail chute. The powder room. Bozo. Cruz skips down three steps to floor level, nine separate CONTROL STATIONS, each outfitted with super-tech panels to process the avalanche of information. But today, all stations are empty. Except one. CRUZ Baker. You got it solved? And now we see her. From the rear. Slouched at her station. Looks like a skinny teenager in tousled tawny hair, rumpled oversized workshirt, vintage jeans. GIN (O.S., from the rear) Actually. Yeh. Not a kid's voice. Throaty. Music and whiskey and sex and effortless confidence. Even the voice turns us on. CRUZ (glances at his watch) What took you so long, Gin? I called 4:30 this morn... And stops. Because she turns with a look that would freeze anyone to stone. GIN I was with someone, all right? Now we really see her. Delicate bones and features, slender body, radiating the power of a natural heart-stopping beauty. GINGER BAKER is 32, ethereal and feral at once. Electric green eyes crackle with an intellect and a will that are not to be fucked with. CRUZ So? This is work. He is not kidding. Stainless steel beneath the dapper. They are a matched team. GIN Hector, I hardly know the guy. Why be impolite to strangers? And he smiles. Maybe she's lying. He likes her. CRUZ Look at those assholes... He means the cops on live feed. CRUZ If the Vermeer were lying on that table, they'd toss their doughnuts on it. GIN Yeh, well, they didn't insure it, so they don't have to solve this. To them it's a crime. To us it's 24 mil, less re-insurance, which is... CRUZ (grim) Only thirty percent, Gin. Ouch. Really? CRUZ Which is why you're on this. Soft and straight. You're the best. I need you. GIN He came in through the window. CRUZ That's not possib... GIN What's not possible is entry through the doors or the vents. That would have triggered instant alarm. CRUZ The windows are wired, too. GIN Only for trauma. They used smart glass, where the sensors respond to violation of the panel's integrity. He's listening. He always does with her. GIN I think he scaled the wall, popped the frame. In one piece. She sounds awfully positive. Then again, she always does. GIN Then, he only had to deal with heat and motion sensors. They were on 60-second delay, so the owner wouldn't trigger the alarm just be walking arou... CRUZ The pane weighs 200 pounds, the building's 1100 feet high. GIN This particular guy is the best. The best there ever was. Almost as if she knows who. Cruz shakes his head... CRUZ Popping the frame would trigger the alarm. She smiles. First time. Even at one-tenth power, it is dazzling light. She touches the panel before her... GIN (gently) I wrote a program and ran it, Dumbo. The live feed is replaced by a red-outlined rotating three- dimensional DIAGRAM of the living room. The alarm box glows green. One window pane glows lavender. She touches the panel, and the window SHATTERS, the alarm instantly emits a PIERCING SCREECH. Reset. As he watches. This time the window SLIDES AWAY into thin air. No sound. A stick figure appears, crawls through the opening, and the alarm begins the slow BEEP we heard last night. Cruz just stares. GIN Here's how I figured it out... Live feed replaces the diagram. Our camera ZOOMS toward a VASE of lilies by the window. All the flowers are tilted in one direction. Over the lip of the vase, away from the window. GIN No one arranges flowers like that. It was the draft from the window. He turns to her. CRUZ You said. This particular guy. Now she is beaming. Excited. And just above a whisper... GIN Andrew MacDougal. Delighted at his stupefied reaction. CRUZ Why not Houdini? Or Pretty Boy Floyd? Maybe Jesus Christ. GIN Because they couldn't do it. His slow smile. This fucking kid. CRUZ He's been out of the business. For ten years. GIN Maybe not. No one ever proved, hell, even arrested him, for stealing anything. But we all know he was numero ichiban for thirty years. Why not forty? She's serious. CRUZ Why? Because of the Bozo switch? Guys have been copying his pack- rat signature for decades. Maybe the thief wanted it to look like MacDougal. She doesn't even answer. Just touches her panel, and one of the data screens BLOWS UP to huge size. It is... GIN A list of his private collection. Complete to three acquisitions last Thursday. Names SCROLLING up endlessly, next to titles, descriptions, estimated retail and black market values. Turner, Corot, Thomas Coles, DeKooning, Klimt, Cezannes, Odilon Redon, Braques, Mary Cassatt... CRUZ No Vermeer. Nothing close. GIN Don't be a putz. This is his legitimate collection, which he buys. Presentable for any search warrant surprise party. Names keep rolling, Degas, Paul Klee. Amazing. GIN What he rips off, he fences. And the money feeds his portfolio of investments, which are daring, savvy, and obscenely succesf... CRUZ Oh, I get it. He has no interest in Vermeers, so that proves he stole one. By that logic, he oughta be a suspect most of the time. She shakes her head, sadly. GIN You love to embarrass yourself. Touches her panel. The big screen now shows a grainy VIDEOTAPE of... GIN The auction. Where our client bought the painting... We see the Great Room of an English Country estate. Perhaps a hundred attend. Genteel to the max. GIN (O.S.) Ashcroft Hall, Buckinghamshire, four weeks ago. The tape PANS five PAINTINGS on the block. We recognize our VERMEER, the city of Delft, the canal, the bridge. The view PULLS BACK to include the crowd, and... FREEZES. One tiny section is circled. And BLOWS UP twenty feet. high, so blurry as to be unrecognizable. Then, SNAPS to amazing resolution. The image of... GIN (O.S., murmur) Anyone we know? ...ANDREW MacDOUGAL, perhaps 60, as charismatic and shamelessly virile a face as one can recall. Etched with character and worldly experience, lit by a twinkle behind the razor-keen gaze. Tall, wide shoulders, massive hands. This guy would be more fun to fuck than fight. By a lot. CRUZ So he was there. GIN Staking it out. Why bid, when you can mark the buyer, and jack it within the month? She leans WAY back in the molded chair. Lifts her long legs up onto the console. They end in slender bare feet. The toes wriggle. GIN At this moment, he is winging on JAL flight 307 to Narita, ostensibly to attend a prestigious auction at the Hotel Akura, which will include a mixed media collage/oil by Georges Braques, on which he supposedly has his eye. CRUZ But you know better. GIN Bet your ass. At Vegas odds. Touches the panel. The big screen now holds three faces, three names. GIN (O.S.) Research reveals three known fences, still at large, who are believed to have brokered Vermeers to black market buyers. Sandrine Palmer is hospitalized in Malta with ovarian cancer. One face and name disappears. Two remain. KOICHI NARUHITO. HIROYUKI YAMAJI. GIN The other two. Live in Tokyo. A tiny, dry, adorable, shrug. Which says, bingo. CRUZ And you did all this since 4:30 this morning. Grinning small at each other. She can't help that hers is hot. She never can. CRUZ (murmur) Plus. You were polite to a stranger. One of those moments when his attraction to her is too obvious to ignore. Best to defuse by pretending it's a joke... GIN (soft and playful) Sounds like you're sorry you're already a friend. Said as banter between pals. Which doesn't make her wrong. INT. HOTEL OKURA, TOKYO - NIGHT Auction in progress in the huge traditional LOBBY, where bonsai trees, paper lanterns and elaborate painted screens counterpoint the sleek, international, big-money crowd. Everyone milling, drinking, schmoozing, networking in a babble of languages, as up on the raised platform... ...the AUCTIONEER has a new piece on the block, a 6th Century temple scroll, from the Asuka period. It is exquisite, and bidding seems to be big time, from the rapidly escalating numbers on the overhead DIGITAL DISPLAY, which reveals bidding status in thirty currencies simultaneously. As we PAN the hall, we see... ...all non-Asians either wearing headphones, or acompanied by personal translators at their elbow, to follow the rapid-fire auctioneer. Except one. ANDREW MacDOUGAL stands alone in black tie. Tall and rugged and polished and focused, and, well, pretty gorgeous. He is bidding on the scroll, indicated only by subtle gestures with his program and the repeated finger-stabs of the auctioneer in our direction. WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S., subtitled Japanese) Don't do it. PULL BACK slightly to reveal Gin, who has stepped to his shoulder. She is barely recognizable to us in her satiny slip of a pale golden gown that drapes her frame perfectly. Breathtaking would be an insult. MacDougal doesn't turn, doesn't seem to even hear her. Just raises his program to up the bid. GIN (softly, subtitled Japanese) You're already over value. By 15 percent. And now he turns. Straight to her eyes. This is NOT an admiring glance at seeing the loveliest woman in the Northern Hemisphere. It is a look that says, in the most understated terms, shut up or I'll kill you. She shuts up. His glance goes to his obvious bidding RIVAL, a rather butch middle-aged Chinese woman in an embroidered version of a Mao suit. She indicates her bid by gesturing with a tiny Yorkshire Terrier, whom she holds in her stubby hands. MacDougal raises back. GIN (subtitled Japanese) Will you stop being stubborn for one sec... And stops. Because he has turned. With the eyes of a lion. Being pulled from an antelope carcass. MAC (quietly, subtitled Japanese) I have a question. Rich Scottish voice. Impeccable Japanese intonation. GIN (brightly, subtitled Japanese) Who the fuck am I? MAC (subtitled Japanese) That is of no interest. Oh. In spite of herself, she looks a little hurt. GIN (subtitled Japanese) What, then? MAC (subtitled Japanese) Why. Are we speaking. Japanese? Her eyes move across his formidable face. GIN Uh. I'm showing off. His eyes scan the length of her gown. Her body. MAC Something of a habit? She is minus a comeback. MAC You know the alleged value of this piece from some fucking computer, which has no clue of the price I can turn the scroll around for in 30 minutes. A beat. GIN No, you can't. He blinks. No? GIN (really sorry) It's sold. His great head WHIPS around to see Madame Mao KISSING her pooch, flushed with victory. He stares for a long moment, a veneer of philosophical almost masking his rage. When he turns back... MAC Are you a confederate of my adversaries? Or are you just stupid. And walks. Away. HOLD on her. Feeling like both. EXT. HOTEL OKURA - NIGHT Mac among the guests awaiting their cars, standing slightly apart. From behind him... ...a feminine throat clears. Nervously. He closes his eyes for a beat. Then, turns. GIN (softly) How about. If I try humility. And presents a business card to him with both hands, Japanese- style. Mac looks in her eyes. Takes the card with both hands. Reads... MAC Virginia Romay... GIN Gin, actually, Gin Romay. I was named after a card game. MAC Or a cheap cocktail. She blinks. His brows raise... MAC (softly) As in. I'll have a Gin Romay, please. With a twist. That laser, unsmiling stare. Beyond sexy. She gets lost in it for a beat. GIN You're supposed to be charming. MAC I'm supposed to be selective. Glances back to her card. Reads... MAC Art and Antiquities Acquisition Advisor, how alliterative... Looks up. Still no smile. MAC And am I the antiquity? GIN In mint condition. She sighs. Achingly lovely. GIN Look, I've studied you, I know... pretty much...everything. Do you. GIN Made your first millions selling scrap metal. Then, gold mining concessions, gems, art, and lately strategic metals for new technologies - platinum, zirconium, titanium... MAC You said. Everything. Huh? Oh. GIN The cat burglar stories? Why would anyone...with so much to lose...take those kinds of risks? Guileless smile. GIN You'd have to be. Stupid. A held beat. His glance lifts beyond her shoulder. MAC Excuse me. And walks off toward a sleek custom TOURING CAR just pulling up. She goes after him. GIN I didn't know Porsche made things like this. MAC Well, they don't... Tipping the valet. Sliding in... MAC ...as a rule. Shutting the door. Through the open window, she hands something from her bag. A plastic rectangle which OPENS into a slide viewer. She presses the light ON. He looks at the slide. GIN Recognize that? No reaction. GIN My seller is in Shinjuku, we can go there tonight. She leans closer. GIN He wants 4.6 million. I can get it for three. He hands it back. Looks in her eyes. MAC No, you can't. And TAKES OFF. Her jaw drops slightly, but in one fluid motion... She's hailed a cab. INT. IMPERIAL HOTEL BAR - LATER Graceful, timeless room, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright in the '20s. Burnished. Elegant. Way cool. A place to drink, to deal, to dream. PAN down the polished surface of the bartop, til we come to... ...a tropical DRINK. Cute little umbrella, tilted back toward the room. ROTATE ANGLE to see... ...INSIDE the umbrella, something small, something mechanical. A woman's HAND ADJUSTS the point of the umbrella ever so slightly, and we PAN UP her arm to see... ...Gin. Still in her gown. She is reading, with half-glasses, and one of the bows curls around her ear, which we CLOSE on to hear... ...static. Gin adjusts the drink umbrella, which is a directional mike, and hears... MAC (O.S.) ...only it's not bloody football! SNAP to Mac's table, well across the room. Drinking giant beers with a large, really fat Japanese guy in a costly; if wrinkled, suit. The hulk listens with stone attention to Mac's rant, as if he actually gave a shit. MAC (O.S.) ...it's just that crap Americans call 'football', like you could call your ass a butterscotch scone and have it be one! The guy nods seriously. Maybe he's a Sumo dude. MAC Why you'd want to bring that foolishness to Japan, you're just pissing your investment down a bungee hole. SUMO GUY (major accent) You got Cubano this trip? That he does. Mac pulls out a leather cigar holder, and passes it over. Flat against one side is an ENVELOPE, which Sumo Guy PALMS skillfully, slipping it seamlessly INTO his pocket as he withdraws a small MATCH BOX. Takes out one long cigar, lights up... MAC Seriously, put the money into pharmaceuticals or prostitution, something stable. The big guy pushes the cigar holder and match box back toward Mac. Opening the box, Mac sees one match and a small MICROCHIP fastened to the cardboard. Lights up. Slides the match box in his pocket. MAC Garbage, perhaps. Or industrial plastics. ANGLE...Gin still engrossed in her reading. A figure leans down next to her. She startles, slightly. So surprised to see... MAC My favorite thing in life. Coincidence. She gives him the great smile. GIN I'm staying here, what's your excuse? And now he smiles. First time ever. A little chilling, the way he does it. MAC Staying here, as well. You are in room...? GIN (half a beat) One thirty-eight. In one motion, he flags the bartender... MAC Will you send a half-bottle of Chateau d'Yquem '67 to Room 138, please? And some berries and chocolates for the lady to enjoy it with. He presses some currency into the barkeep's hand. Turning back... MAC Actually, I was just across the room, dickering with a gentleman over the purchase of an interesting Spitzweg. Until I determined the painting was apparently stolen... Oh. She's shocked. He agrees... MAC Goes against my grain. The DeKooning in your slide, the 4.6 million you can get for 3. Can you get it for 2 and a half? She looks in his eyes. GIN Sure. And as if he believed her... MAC My checkbook is in my safe. You wait here. His smile evaporates. He is gone before she can say... GIN Okay. I'll wait here. INT. CAR, SHINJUKU DISTRICT - NIGHT Mac driving in silence. Gin stealing glances at him. Suddenly and smoothly, he reaches down, and picks up... GIN That's my purse. He opens it. One eye on the road, he begins to rummage... MAC Just want to see if I'm with the person you say you are. Can't be too caref... She SNATCHES the bag away from him, he GRABS it back, the car SWERVES LEFT, and... ...CRASHES VIOLENTLY into a parked pure white Bentley. Metal BUCKLES and TEARS, both ALARMS go OFF, a cacophony of horrific NOISE. MAC (quietly) Oh, dear. People come RUNNING, but our focus is drawn to the refined elderly COUPLE who were just returning to their precious Bentley. Their WAILS and ANGUISH would be suitable if all their grandchildren had been crushed beneath Mac's wheels. Mac and Gin are OUT of the car. As he exits, Mac has palmed a small BLADE, and in a quick unseen motion, RIPPED a jagged tear in his left trouser leg. The old couple RUSH to Mac, SHRIEKING their rage and grief in Japanese, Gin is trying to calm them as bystanders gather, but Mac cuts through... MAC (subtitled Japanese) We'll go in there, and call the police. And HOBBLES off toward the nearest building, a block-square 30-story skyscraper bearing the name FUJITSU. The couple, the crowd, all race after the limping Mac... GIN Are you all right? No answer, he looks dark enough to rain. INTO the public lobby of the huge industrial complex. Two night GUARDS come hurrying from their desk, as the small mob POURS in. Mac in the lead, a commanding presence, tells the guards in a loud, clear voice... MAC (subtitled Japanese) I have damaged the car of these kind people. Please help them call the police... One guard leads the hysterical couple toward a phone. Mac pulls up his trouser leg, and Gin GASPS to see a bloody GASH. Mac drops the trouser back over the wound. Asks the remaining guard... MAC (subtitled Japanese) May I use a washroom, please. The guard nods absently, disoriented by the chaos. Mac hands his billfold to Gin... MAC These are my papers, passport, car registration. If the police arri... GIN You're going to need stitches, let me get you to a hospital. Soft words, genuine concern. And his eyes flicker. As if somehow seeing her for the first time. A small spark, but she feels it. Softer still... GIN Really, this can all wait. I'll handle it. The look holds. MAC That's actually. Very sweet. His first real smile. It was worth waiting for. MAC (to a guard, subtitled Japanese) Might you have a First Aid kit, of some kind? INT. TOILET STALL We are inside an empty, closed, Japanese-style toilet stall. Porcelain foot rests. A hole. The door BURSTS OPEN, and... ...Mac enters FAST with the First Aid kit, locking the door, hitting the STOPWATCH on his wrist, which begins counting at ZERO. He pulls UP his trouser leg, revealing the bloody gash, and simply... ...RIPS the entire wound OFF, the rubbery prosthetic wound DANGLES, dripping its phony blood. Mac pulls gauze strips from the kit, SOAKS them in bogus gore, expertly WRAPS his leg, then FLUSHES the prosthetic DOWN the hole. He pulls off the FUJITSU VISITOR badge clipped to his lapel, and from a Ziploc bag slides a small sheet of plastic, which he PRESSES to the face of the badge, fitting perfectly, turning the badge into... ...an EMPLOYEE I.D., the name KAWAKUBO, M., the PHOTO of a surly Japanese male. Quickly, Mac takes out the MATCH BOX from the hotel bar, and with a fine tweezers gently removes the MICROCHIP, placing it INSIDE the badge, activating it with a soft BEEP-BEEP. He reaches now... ...behind his back, up UNDER his tux jacket, and RIPS FREE a tightly-compressed PACK of what seems white paper or cloth. He SNAPS it loose, revealing it to be... ...a baggy CLEAN SUIT, not unlike hospital scrubs and falling to the floor... ...a white HOOD. With opaque tinted VISOR. INT. SECURITY CORRIDOR Mac in his clean suit and opaque-visored hood at an elevator marked CLEARED PERSONNEL ONLY in English and Kanji (Japanese characters). He holds his badge to the SCANNER, the door PINGS and slides OPEN.. INT. PREP ROOM ENTRANCE, 29TH FLOOR Mac emerging from his elevator at the entrance to an AIR-LOCK with sign CLEAN ROOM - CLASS 10. Holds his badge to the SCANNER, the air-lock door lights FLASH froin red to yellow to green. He enters... ...the PREP ROOM. Recorded VOICES purr safety instructions in Japanese, while Mac stands, being bombarded by air shower, chemical sprayer, blinding UV light. The next air-lock OPENS. He enters... INT. CLEAN ROOM ...a long ASSEMBLY LINE, where ROBOT ARMS work on a stream of black SILICON WAFERS, which pass along a clear Lexan CONVEYOR BELT. The wafers move through various airtight CHAMBERS, exposing them to multi-colored gasses, cyan, sodium yellow, magenta, etc., as part of the microchip manufacturing process. More than a dozen TECHNICIANS in their hooded clean suits watch over every phase of the work, attached to the walls by grounding wires and air hoses, which create a deafening NOISE. Mac simply hooks himself up, and saunters straight THROUGH the area, toward the place where the conveyor belt with its newly-processed MICROCHIPS... ...DISAPPEARS through the wall. Nearby, a HATCH is built into the same wall, and Mac calmly CLANKS it OPEN, squeezing through into... ...a dimly-lit MAINTENANCE BAY. Panels of switches, wires, fuses, fans, air cleaners. Maximum claustrophobia, as Mac CLANGS the hatch SHUT behind him, looking instantly to... ...an OVERHEAD HATCH with letters in Kanji and English, DANGER ARGON GAS. Mac THROWS back his hood, YANKS out his mini oxygen pouch, fits the slender forked breathing tube into his nostrils, and slips on thick round infrared GOGGLES that make him look like a refugee from 12 MONKEYS. No time to lose... ...up THROUGH the overhead hatch, closing it behind him as he enters... ...the conveyer TUBE, a horizontal Lexan cylinder three feet in diameter, filled with billowing red gas. Mac stretches out on his belly, glancing up to where the clear conveyor belt, with its precious cargo of microchips, runs along just above his head in eerie red light. He begins to... ...shimmy, crawl, squirm along the length of the tube. Gas too thick to see the end. He is agile as a commando, hauling ass, when suddenly... ...the floor beneath his tube FALLS AWAY, and he is crawling in space 29 stories above Tokyo, as his tube spans the distance between manufacturing and shipping structures. He goes faster, HARDER... INT. MICROCHIP VAULT A black chamber. We can scarcely make out the endless rows of shelving, the air purifying equipment, the conveyor belt entering through its air lock, as machinery folds each priceless microchip in foil wrappers, stacks them on shelves. Through the gasket... ...Mac TUMBLES into view, swinging himself neatly DOWN to the floor, and in a single motion, he is already FLASHING a neon-green pen light along the shelves of microchips. We see now the wrappers are different colors, with different Kanji characters, and Mac is definitely looking for something special, until... ...he's found it. A single row, 35 chips, nothing special from here, but Mac... ...WHIPS out something coiled, SNAPS it to full length, revealing a strip of shiny black SATIN CLOTH. Three feet long, little more than an inch wide. Carefully, Mac lays the strip down directly OVER the row of microchips. And when he lifts it UP again... ...the chips have ADHERED to the underside of the cloth. In one deft SNAP of his wrist, he COILS the cloth again, like a yo-yo. Turns to leave, and... Oh, yeh. Tosses a small SACK of something where the chips used to be. TIM'S CASCADE BRAND POTATO CHIPS. SEA SALT AND VINEGAR FLAVOR. INT. CLEAN ROOM Mac exiting from the maintenance hatch back into the Clean Room. No one sees, no one cares. Hooking up once again, he ambles toward a door clearly marked EXIT ONLY TO EMPLOYEE LOUNGE - RETURN ONLY THROUGH SECURITY AREA. By the door is an employee notice tacked to the wall. He pretends to scan it. A stack of flyers. He takes one. Exiting into... INT. EMPLOYEE LOUNGE Past a changing area, vending machines, guys bullshitting. Mac just strolling along, reading his flyer, as... A hand. Touches his shoulder VOICE (subtitled Japanese) Excuse me. Mac turns, stares through his opaque VISOR at a well-built SECURITY OFFICER. Dead straight eyes. OFFICER (subtitled Japanese) The company picnic. Saturday or Sunday? His eyes cut to the flyer Mac is 'reading'. Mac hands it to him, and without a trace of Scottish accent... MAC (subtitled Japanese) Better eat first. INT. GUEST LOBBY Gin is up to her ears in grief. There are no less than five COPS grilling her, taking notes, while the old couple has their second wind and are SHRIEKING in top form. The bystander gallery has grown to maybe three dozen, and they're all getting their word in. As Gin struggles to cope... ...she keeps looking at the clock. Darting glances toward the corridor. She is freaking out. Finally. She can't stand it. Hands Mac's billfold to one of the cops, pushes her way through the mob, and... ...TAKES OFF down the corridor, a security guard in belated pursuit, we go... ...WITH her DOWN the hallway, WHEEL around a corner, flat-out SPRINTING, SKIDS to a stop at the right doorway and BURSTS INTO... INT. MEN'S ROOM An empty washroom. She listens. Nothing. GIN Mr. MacDougal? Sir? No sound. Uh-oh. GIN Uh. Mr. Ma... MAC (O.S., from the stall) Just 'Mac'. And whatever became of a gentleman's privacy? The security guard BARGES IN. MAC (O.S.) My God, more females? The guard starts railing at Gin a mile a minute. She calmly takes a WAD of bills from her purse. Hands them to the guy... GIN (subtitled Japanese) Stand outside. That door. Two minutes... He does. Alone again. GIN I was worried, it's been twenty... MAC (O.S.) Eighteen, actually. The leg is fine, but I got sort of...woozy. GIN Woozy. MAC (O.S.) Lost my stomach once or twice. CUT INSIDE the stall. He is just re-taping the folded clean suit and hood to the small of his back. MAC I'm an old man. You probably noticed. Awkward silence. He smiles at that, much amused. Slips on his jacket. MAC You should see me without my teeth. UNLOCKS the door. Remembers... MAC Ah. Mustn't forget to zip up. That's not what he forgot. He pulls OUT the coiled black satin cloth strip, SNAPS it free, microchips snug to the underside. And fits it neatly... ...DOWN his trouser leg. The perfect tuxedo stripe. OUT the door. To meet her gaze. MAC Odd place, this. He goes to her. Offers his arm. MAC What do you suppose they make here? Video recorders? She takes it, wrapping both hers through. GIN Microchips, I think, for computers. He opens the door. Ushers her through... MAC Bad investment. The best ones are here today... Follows her out... MAC (O.S.) Gone tomor... Closed door. Quiet. INT. CAB, NIHONBASHI DISTRICT - NIGHT They sit together in the rear of the taxi, as it makes its way through late night traffic. She is looking around. GIN This isn't the way to my sel... MAC (quietly) I've changed my mind. Looking straight ahead. Contemplative. She stares at his profile... GIN Mind telling me why? MAC You can't get it for me at 2.5, can you? GIN Well, we can tr... MAC You were setting me up. The correct price is 2.8. You conspire with the seller to start at 4.6, so I'll be grateful when you 'bargain' him down to three. Close enough to fool some people. unfortunately... He sighs. Never looks at her. MAC I'm old. I know what everything is worth. She keeps staring. GIN So where are we g... MAC I am going to the airport. You are going on to the rest of your life. Which... He thinks. Admits... MAC ...should be interesting. Her turn to think. GIN You forgot your lugg... MAC The hotels deal with that. The things I need are always waiting at the next one. (afterthought) I don't carry. Baggage. Little twist on that. GIN Sensible. And you're off to...? MAC Oh, that's highly personal. He still stares straight ahead. The taxi pulls onto a freeway. Toward Narita Airport. Time running out. And in her dearest, most vulnerable, voice... GIN I did so hope to impress you. She puts the fingertips of her left hand. On his chest. A silence. No reaction. GIN (hopeful) I'm still hoping... And he smiles. Turns to her eyes. MAC Young lady. I am old enough to be your grandfather. She shakes her head. Uh-uh. GIN (soft) My father. Leans her mouth in for the kill. GIN (whisper) That's part of the rush. And softly. Fits her mouth to his. The green eyes close, as she tastes him. Nothing predatory in this kiss. It is tender, exquisite. A kiss of deep longing. Of true love. His arms slip around her. And in less than five seconds... TAXI DRIVER (O.S., racist accent) Still on fo' airport? Nobody. Says. Nothin'. INT. MAC'S SUITE - LATE NIGHT A small bottle. An ornate label. Chateau d'Yquem '67. Gin lifts it from the table, studies the label. She wears only a man's oversized t-shirt. Our rotating ANGLE reveals the empty bed, tangled sheets. Gin looks pretty rumpled herself. She lifts the bottle, two glasses, a plateful of chocolates and strawberries, and goes to the sliding glass door overlooking... ...the TERRACE. Mac sits on a futon at the balcony railing, overlooking downtown Tokyo. He wears a thin Japanese robe called a yukata, and is wrapped in half of a huge down COVERLET from the bed. The other half obviously waiting for... GIN Here. A reward. She curls down into the billowing coverlet, just against his body. Sets her things beside him. MAC A reward for what? GIN For not being old. After all. It is a lovely smile. He studies it for a beat. MAC You mean. Not as old as I look. She traces her finger along his cheek. GIN (a whisper) Yeh. And kisses him. It takes awhile. She seems to enjoy it. With him, it's harder to tell. When she pulls back... ...he picks up a chocolate. Tears it in half. Offers her the larger piece. GIN Do I deserve a reward? No answer. He puts the chocolate into her mouth. With great tenderness, he traces the line of her lower lip. As she swallows. GIN It's so hard to find good casual sex, anymore. I'm probably out of practice. But he just looks at her. MAC What's hard to find. Is someone you truly want to be with. And leans closer. Just above a whisper... MAC Even for awhile. He kisses her. Beautiful and deep, the way he does it. And when he pulls back, she is staring at him. As if at a loss for something to say. GIN It's lucky we stopped by my room, for the wine. She swallows. Because his gaze is unrelenting. As if not forgetting that she's changed the subject. GIN Otherwise, we'd never have found my bag was stolen. Until tomorrow. MAC Would that make it more stolen? She smiles. His face looks kind now, not formidable at all. Maybe she's wondering if she actually likes him. GIN They even got my prescriptions. MAC Something you need? There are all-night chemists... He does look concerned. And therefore sweet. She kisses his nose. GIN I take Prilosec. For stomach acid. And an inhaler. For asthma. She gets her old smile. The soft, wicked tease. GIN But since I didn't have to work all that hard tonight... He stares at her. Cocks a finger, like a gun, right between her eyes. Pantomimes pulling the trigger. GIN (softly) Ouch. I had that coming. She pivots, and snuggles her back comfortably into his chest. He wraps strong arms around her. Pulling her close. GIN Why would someone steal my luggage? Every guest in this place must have more than a wannabe art dealer. MAC Ah. Maybe the thief thought you had something valuable in there. Something in the tone. GIN Such as... MAC Well. Wannabe dealers make excellent fences. A flicker. In her eyes. And she cuddles back. As if enjoying the humor. GIN He thought I had a stolen painting. In my bag. MAC I'm joking, of course. Kisses the top of her head. MAC The Vermeer wouldn't fit. Her eyes widen. Just a little. GIN Excuse me? MAC Why, did you do something wrong? She turns all the way around. Their faces are inches apart. Each reading the other's eyes. GIN You said. Vermeer. MAC The most famous painting stolen this week. His turn. To kiss her nose. MAC If you don't keep up on your craft. You'll miss all the jokes. And lowers her gently onto her back. Still staring in her eyes, he winds her legs around him. Her mouth parts, but... ...he fills it with his own. This conversation. Is over. INT. MAC'S SUITE - MORNING VIEW of the empty terrace, the rumpled, twisted coverlet. Maybe they spent all night. HEAR the shower running full blast in a distant bathroom. PULL BACK to see... Gin, hair wet, wrapped in a plush hotel robe, rapidly and expertly going through dresser, night stand, closet, sofa cushions, every goddam thing in the room. She comes to... ...Mac's tux. The jacket, rifles the pockets, pats the lining. The pants now... ...something peculiar. The right leg has no stripe. Touches the cloth. Slightly sticky where the stripe should be. Odd. ANGLE...the bathroom. Shower running full BLAST. But there's no one in it. ANGLE...a storage closet. Mac crouching in the smallspace. We see the travel bag. The luggage tag, VIRGINIA ROMAY, a Darien, Connecticut address. The embossed initials VR. But there is something else in Mac's hand... ...a prescription bottle. Prilosec. And a name, GINGER BAKER. Chicago address. Mac puts the pills in the pocket of his robe... ...exits the closet. Locks the door. ANGLE...Mac ambling into the bedroom, toweling his hair with one hand. Holding his billfold in the other. Gin is starting a room service breakfast. Eggs, sausage, Belgian waffles. The girl can eat. MAC I'm so glad I didn't leave Tokyo. She looks up. Trademark dry grin... GIN I love a guy who knows how to sweet talk. He stands over her. Smiling. What he meant was... MAC There was a call. While you were sleeping. A call. MAC An art dealer I know. He has a Monet. Minor, but it is Giverny. He'll let me have it for 5.3 million. She stares at him. GIN (cautiously) We can maybe beat that. MAC (pulling plastic from his billfold) I agree. This is a bank debit card. It gives the bearer access to an account containing 4.6 and change. I dislike round numbers. And hand. the card to her. As her eyes move over it... MAC I'd like you to go down there, and pick up the painting. If that's all right. Without looking up... GIN Me. MAC If I'm there, he'll haggle. You just hand him the debit card, with that...luminous smile. And say, take it or leave it. Now her eyes come up. She says nothing. Hesitant. MAC Oh, dear. I thought you so wanted to make a good impression. GIN Thought I already did th... MAC And along with making an excellent impression. You will also make 2 percent of the purchase price. She blinks. MAC That's $92,000. And change.. For two hours work. The look holds. He goes to the desk. Lifts a cellular phone. TOSSES it to her. MAC Any problems. Just give me a ring. GIN Stolen painting is it? MAC Of course not. And on his way out the door... MAC If it was. I wouldn't pay more than three. EXT. WHARF, YOKOHAMA - DAY Gin climbing out of a taxi at a scruffy section of Yokohama's Bund. Sleazy shops, pachinko parlors, hostess bars, sidewalk noodle counters, all built along a tall rickety PIER nearly thirty feet above the pounding surf. The harbor is gigantic. Every type and size of vessel imaginable. Gin carries a long neoprene-covered tube with watertight seals and a lightweight bright orange foam cover. She looks at her slip of paper. Then across at the place...KENDO SOUVENIRS, a schlock kickback parlor, with a tourist bus parked out front. This can't be right. Pulls out the cellular phone. Dials. MAC'S RECORDED VOICE (O.S.) You have reached the voice-mail of AMD Investments. And, yes, you are at the right place. Fucking great. GIN (into phone, pissed) I like men with a sense of humor. This does not qualify. SNAPS the phone shut. Checks the slip again. Walks firmly across the street, through the mobs of tourists, and into... INT. KENDO SOUVENIRS - DAY The place is huge, ramshackle, loaded with every piece of tourist crap imaginable. The only paintings on display are renderings of big cats on black velvet. She winds her way through, to a counter at the back. One guy there... GIN (subtitled Japanese) May I please speak with Mr. Okati. OKATI You doin' it. The best we can say for the pudgy, balding fellow in the Hawaiian shirt and spectacularly baggy trousers, is that he does not seem to be the guy who is selling you a Monet. Even a minor one. GIN I think there's some mista... OKATI You from Mac? She stops. Jesus. The guy COUGHS horribly. GIN I'm from Mac. OKATI Lemme see card. She hesitates. OKATI Four million, six hundred thirteen thousand, five hundred? Wow. He slaps his hand on the table. Lay it down, toots. GIN You first. He shrugs. Lifts straight up, from beneath the counter... ...a brown paper-wrapped rectangle. Not much larger than two feet square. She can't even believe she's here, doing this. Gestures to him. Open it up! He obliges, COUGHING grossly all the while. Unwrapped, the painting does look like a Monet. From here. She stares at it. GIN Now bring me the real one. He doesn't blink. OKATI This as real as it gets, lady. And from within her pocket. The cellular RINGS. She takes it out. Puts it to her ear. MAC (O.S.) You got it? GIN (into phone) Is this an audition, a joke, or a rip-off? I'm staring at an obvious forgery, here. MAC (O.S.) Turn it over. This gives her pause. Then, cradling the phone against her shoulder, she does as she's told. To see... MAC (O.S.) Is there an envelope? Taped to the back? In a Ziploc bag? Sure is. GIN (into phone) Uh-huh. MAC (O.S.) Detach the bag. Read what's in it. Aloud. She does. Carefully unfolding several sheets of paper, maps... GIN (reading into phone) Shikoku Naru, a freighter, it says, Yokohama to Jakarta...dates, statistics...specs on some kind of machine, diag... MAC (O.S.) Papers back in the envelope, envelope back in the Ziploc, very quickly, without seeming to hurry... Her eyes are flickering questions, but she does as she's told, cradling the phone with her shoulder. MAC (O.S.) Now take the debit card from your purse, slipping the Ziploc into the purse as you do it, shielding the move from everyone in the room but Okati. And she does. More deftly than we could ever have imagined. Like a pro. MAC (O.S., quietly) Give him the card. A beat. GIN (into phone) Mac, the painting's a forg... MAC (O.S., even quieter) This is a test. Of whether you'll still be alive four minutes from now. Do you hear me? Her face freezes. In a pleasant smile. GIN (into phone) Yes, Mac, I do. MAC (0.5.) Now. Hand him the card, and tell him in Japanese to pretend he is checking it by phone. Tell him to take awhile, as if he's on hold. She turns the sweet plastic smile to Okati. Hands him the card... GIN (subtitled Japanese) Mac says, pretend you're checking this by phone, and take your ti... OKATI (subtitled Japanese) ...like I'm on hold, sure. And suddenly, his eyes are keen and quick, and he is no longer some schmuck in baggy pants. He takes the card, stares at it comically, picks up the phone. MAC (O.S.) While he's checking, look around the room casually, as if searching for the cheesy handbags... She begins to. MAC (O.S.) All the while laughing, as if you are chatting with someone you actually like. GIN (into phone) I'm not that good. But she is. And she laughs, as she strolls over to the cheesy handbags. MAC (O.S.) As you're looking around, do you notice any m... GIN (into phone) Three guys, two together, one alone. Cheap suits, not looking at me in a cop-casual way. MAC (O.S.) Call out cheerily to Okati, in English, 'Where's the toilet?' GIN (into phone) Can I say, 'little girl's room'? A beat. MAC (O.S.) Wing it. GIN (calls out, cheerily) WHERE'S THE CRAPPER? Okati, absorbed by his make-believe phone call, points around the back. MAC (O.S.) Get going. Now. GIN (into phone, as she saunters) Mac, the painting isn't... MAC (O.S.) You've got what we bought, are you out of their sight? She turns the corner. Filthy corridor. Restrooms at opposite ends. MAC (O.S.) Run into the men's toilet. I know you know how. A beat of uncertainty. She looks both ways. MAC (O.S., ominous) Are you running? And she DOES. SPRINTING down the garbage-strewn hallway, throws OPEN the men's room door, BURSTING IN on... ...a wispy OLD GUY taking a leak through a HOLE in the floor. GIN (subtitled Japanese) GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! The panicked little man STARTLES. Bolts OUT the door. MAC (O.S.) Jump. Jump? HEAR now, from the corridor, footfalls POUNDING. She looks down through the piss hole. The surf ROILS thirty feet below. GIN (into phone) It's too small. MAC (O.S.) The window, twit! Oh. She hops OVER the disgusting hole, boosts herself UP to the small window, footfalls racing CLOSER, HOISTS herself HALFWAY through, DROPPING the phone a scary 30 feet to the surf below, as behind her, the door... ...SLAMS OPEN and she FLIES OUT the window... GIN SHIIIIIIIIIIT... WITH her in SLO-MO, kicking and flailing and grasping her shoulder bag, and she... HITS the ocean like a ton of bricks. Disappears. Comes up, sputtering in the swirling water, as from out of the shadows of the pilings... ...an engine ROARS to life, the BLUR of a custom JETSKI, Mac reaching to scoop the startled girl OUT of the water, and they... ...BLAST OFF, as bullets RAIN helplessly after them. The AGENTS shouting into their cellulars, racing in frustration down the pier, which rapidly vanishes behind us, as... ...Gin hangs onto Mac for dear life. This baby is REALLY hauling. He wears an orange waterproof slicker with matching trousers. Shouts back, against the noise... MAC ARE YOU PISSED OFF? She thinks. Admits, shouting in his ear... GIN ACTUALLY. IT'S INCREDIBLY COOL! He is heading into deep water, a major shipping channel, points to one side, and she sees... ...a huge HARBOR PATROL vessel FIRE UP in near distance. The chase is ON. They speed toward the WAKE of a luxury liner, and as she realizes... GIN OH NOOOOOO... They SLAM INTO the wake HEAD ON, and are AIRBORNE for an amazing distance, JOLTING back to the surface, RACING toward... ...two gigantic FREIGHTERS which approach each other from opposite directions. The Harbor Patrol in hot pursuit, BLASTING its HORN... GIN WE'RE GONNA DIE, AREN'T WE? MAC JUST AS SOON AS I'M READY! As we near the outbound freighter, Mac CUTS his speed. Now the Harbor Patrol is really gaining. GIN FASTER, NOT SLOWER, YOU TWIT!! MAC HAVE TO GIVE THEM A SPORTING CHANCE... Cruising STRAIGHT TOWARD the part side of the outbound freighter, as the inbound freighter begins to pass it on the far side... MAC ...SOMETHING WE SCOTS LEARNED FROM THE BRITS! As the Harbor Patrol is nearly ON them, Mac VEERS suddenly AROUND the stern of the outbound freighter, the Harbor patrol WHEELING madly to pursue, only to find we are both CAREENING straight AT... ...the starboard side of the inbound freighter, Mac CUTS his wheel in an adroit nearly right-angle SWERVE, and hears the SCREAMS as the Harbor patrol... PLOWS INTO the freighter! Wasting no time, he ACCELERATES into maximum BURN, STREAKING toward the immensely crowded harbor and its thousand vessels. Gin can't help but look back at the impressive crash site, mouthing a silent WOW. Nearing the harbor, Mac CUTS speed completely, drifting between two huge ships and... ...vanishing from sight. EXT. SMALL CHANNEL - DAY The tiny Jetski cruises in a quiet channel, crowded with vessels of all sizes, tugs, fishing boats, pleasure craft, junks, sampans, all larger than we are. Gin clings close to Mac, although it is no necessary. More like romantic. She is still flushed with the rush. GIN I guess you're gonna explain all this, huh? But he says nothing. Pulls out a water-tight duffle. Hands it back to her, without looking. MAC Dry clothes, you'll need them. In five minutes. She takes the bag, confused. GIN I'm supposed to change? Here?? MAC I won't look. Gentleman's word of hon... GIN There are a million sailors! MAC I've seen you naked. Give the boys a thrill. He means it. MAC You probably won't be dating any of them, so what the hell. Gin looks around as they float through the maze of watercraft. No one seems to be paying much attention. What the hell. She unzips the bag, pulling out... GIN (astonished) These...these are mine! He never looks around. MAC Found 'em in your room. Perhaps the thief wasn't your size. She stares at the back of his head. wondering. He is stripping off his slickers. A neatly-tailored SUIT beneath. MAC We have a business appointment. In four minutes. Okay. She pulls her dress off OVER her head. GIN Business, huh? She ignores some nearby WHISTLES and SHOUTS. Begins drying herself with a fluffy towel from the bag. MAC (never turns) Time has come to tell you. What business. I'm actually in. Uh-oh. Paydirt. GIN Uh. Am I gonna like th... MAC (quietly) I'm a thief. She can scarcely believe he's admitting this. MAC And now that I've told you. I'll have to kill you. He chuckles a Scottish chuckle. Cold and warm, at once. MAC Or... She slips the dry dress OVER her head. MAC ...you can spend the most interesting three weeks of your life. Training. GIN Training for wha... MAC ...followed by the most exciting night of your life. After which, you can walk away with 20 million untraceable dollars... She blinks. He means this. MAC ...which will come in handy. Things being what they are. He shrugs. MAC From now on. You can valet park. She begins taking off her wet underwear, underneath the dress. We suspect unseen hordes crestfallen at her modesty. GIN And if I refuse? MAC (very quietly) Don't. Please. GIN I mean, you won't really kill me, I'm far too adorable. He looks around at her. As if deciding on that. MAC Last night, at Fujitsu, I did some business. While you thought I was in the toilet. Jesus. GIN What could you possibly steal in 18 min... MAC Thirty-five super-microchips. Each worth one million dollars. And change. Staring dead at her eyes. GIN You hate round num... MAC I stole your suitcase when I left you at the bar. I have since sent it on to the States, with three chips, well hidden. Are you following? MAC Since you aren't there to claim it, the bag will sit at Customs. Safe. Unless... No smile. No smile at all. MAC They receive. An anonymous. Tip. Holy. Fucking. Christ. GIN That's entrapment. MAC No, entrapment is what cops do to robbers. We can feel her heart pounding from here. MAC Blackmail. Is what robbers do to schmucks. And leans. To kiss her mouth. MAC (softly) Even adorable ones. They have glided up beside the gangway of a gigantic FREIGHTER. It is at water level, the steps they use for their tender. He points up to the name... MAC Pop quiz. SHIKOKU MARU. She nods, slowly. Pulls the Ziploc bag from her purse. Hands it over. He removes the sheets of paper. Begins to peruse them... MAC Admit it's a rush. The best day of your heretofore drab life. GIN Fuck you. He glances up. GIN ...accompanied by related foreplay. And gives him the smile. What a gal. He offers his hand. She rises, hops lightly to the steps of the gangway in her bare feet. He pulls dry shoes from the duffle. And as she slips them on... ...he FLIPS a switch, and the Jetski begins to FILL with water, Mac stepping to the gangway beside her. They watch... ...the Jetski rapidly SINK out of sight. No evidence. A thorough guy. INT. FREIGHTER HOLD - DAY Mac and Gin stand inside a gigantic CARGO BAY, watching massive CONTAINERS being loaded by crane from a dock, through the gaping HATCH. The chamber is a vaulted cathedral of steel, painted hospital green, and Mac's eye moves over all of it, seeming to inspect every plate, every pan head rivet. VOICE (O.S., British cheer) Hullo, there! They turn to see a round little man with watering eyes and a very wide necktie, skipping-down the iron steps. Bursting with a salesman's bonhomie, he extends a plump hand... MAN Nickerson Carlsby, Mr... MacDuff, yes? MAC Banquo MacDuff. This is my associate-fiancee, Ms. Duncan. The little man pauses. A tic in the well-oiled smile... CARLSBY That is...fiancee and assoc... GIN (cheery herself) I'm a hyphenate. Ah. Like that makes complete sense. Fingers the gardenia in his lapel... CARLSBY Well, it's a pleasure, in this alien place, to do business with a countryman. MAC I'm a Scot. It's a different country. Culturally and historically. I see. CARLSBY (looking around) Well. They've brought you to quite the wrong place, I see. MAC (looking around) Thank God. ANGLE...Carlsby leads the way along a narrow catwalk, which ends at a steel door. He presses his thumb to the I.D. panel, and speaks into the voice box... CARLSBY (confidential code-voice) In Penny Lane, the barber shaves another customer... The door CLANGS open. They go through it, as a gangway leads toward an open five-foot-thick VAULT DOOR, where two ARMED GUARDS rise from their seats. Carlsby ignores them as if they were furniture. THUMPS the door... CARLSBY Five feet thick with hidden rein- forcements, no way to drill through! GIN (authoritative) Impressive. CARLSBY Only the tip of our security iceberg. See these two Brinks locks...? They do. CARLSBY The Captain keeps one key. The other is continually forwarded: to the Chief of Security at next port. There is no way to enter during voyage. GIN I like this. Carisby glances to Mac. He is stone. CARLSBY The best armed guard, rotated every six hours. A redundancy, of course, but we would rather be safe three times over than merely two. GIN Sound mathematics. MAC (very quiet) What if there's a fire? In the chamber. Ah. Carlsby leads them through the open door, into... ...the maximum-security HOLD. Primo. The steel coated with sleek, matte, black all-grip paint. Tubby points up... CARLSBY Sprinklers. New design. Incredible power. The entire chamber is water- proof, fireproof, airtight. If the ship sinks, God forfend, your cargo is secure for salvage. No reaction. Mac does not look convinced. CARLSBY And your cargo is...? MAC Wine. Wine. MAC The bloody Japs bought up half the premium clarets in the universe. You may have heard. Actually. He has. MAC I'm in charge of shipping some 14,000 bottles, most quite rare, to a number of premium hotels in Hong Kong, Bangkok, Singapore, Phuket, and Penang. Carlsby gets the romance of it all. MAC All of which are destinations on your October voyage. Five months from now. However... And turns to the man. With laser, disapproving eyes. MAC Wine. Doesn't prefer. To be jostled. The man beams. Gestures to a series of PLATFORMS, each SWAYING at different heights, in different directions. CARLSBY Our 'delicate treasure' platforms, suspended on gimbals. Your cargo remains unruffled by roiling seas. Then, on arrival, is plucked... Pointing once more... CARLSBY By that forklift, and gently deposited on dock through the cargo hatch... ...a huge circular hatch cut into the hull. Mac's eyes stare blankly at it. A long beat. He pronounces it all... MAC Adequate. I suppose. And then turns once more. MAC Did we see...a bathing pool. On deck? CARLSBY Oh, yes, sir. The Shikoku Maru carries sixteen luxury suite pas- senger cabins. The finest cuisine. For valued clients who prefer to cruise in privacy. Mac. Thinks this over. MAC Mildly. Interesting. INT. PASSENGER DECK - DAY Carlsby ushering the couple along a plushly-appointed hallway. A secret oasis of refinement in the heart of the massive freighter. He opens a burnished door, into... ...an elegant SUITE. Cherrywood panels, spacious windows with views of the harbor. The finest furnishings. It is breathtaking. Even... MAC Adequate. I suppose. GIN But dearest, in five months, we'll be in Cape Town. Mac pulls from his pocket the folded sheets that had once been taped to the back of Okati's Monet. Peruses them casually. MAC Anything sooner? That goes perhaps from...say, Sri Lanka? To Jakarta. And looks up. To a man dumbstruck. By coincidence. CARLSBY Why, yes. In three weeks. INT. CESSNA - DAY Looking DOWN on California's San Joaquin Valley from 12,000 feet, as air RUSHES past our open door. MAC (O.S.) You seem depressed. PULL BACK to see them both in jumping suits. He's checking her gear. She's eyeing the expansive grid of fields below. GIN At your insistence, I'm leaping to my death, and I don't know why! He clips a tether from his harness to hers. MAC Because. You're a greedy girl. GIN I'm not jumping until you talk about this, it's been two days! She folds her arms across her chest. Rebellious. He smiles at her tenderly. Nods, okay. GIN Why are we going in three weeks, if the wine is on a different route months lat... MAC There is no wine. That just bought us a look at their security. She stares at him. GIN I knew that. MAC What we want is on the boat in three weeks. Now can we jump? GIN The machine in those diagrams. on the back of the painting. Maybe. He's still smiling. GIN What does it do, make gold? MAC We're nearing the targ... GIN Why won't you trust me? MAC How do I know who you are, hmmn? Stares in her eyes. MAC For all I know, your name isn't Virginia Romay. Maybe you're a cop. She stares back. Dead straight. GIN Why would a cop do all th... MAC (softly) Entrapment, remember? What cops do to robbers. GIN (just as softly) Oh. That. His smile is light, affectionate. Gently, he backs her to the edge of the doorway... MAC One...two... She THROWS her arms around his neck. Holds him close. GIN Mac, I'm afraid. Vulnerable and touchingly real. His arms slide around her. GIN Of you. MAC (a murmur) Smart girl. And JUMPS, Gin SHRIEKING in his arms, as we... FOLLOW them, TUMBLING in FREE FALL, until he releases her, and bot EXTEND their arms and legs, as if flying, as if gliding face down, her shriek CONTINUING. He floats at the end of their tether, a few feet above her. And at last... ...her SCREAMING STOPS. We see the pure adrenaline rush. Shouts back... GIN NEXT TIME, I'M ON TOP! EXT. HILLTOP, MARIN COUNTY - DAY Woods, rolling hills, a dirt path. Mac stands by a sign at a crossroads, names, arrows, STINSON BEACH, BOLINAS, MT. TAMALPAIS, MILL VALLEY. There is a phone booth nearby. He holds a stopwatch, looking down the path, as... ...Gin runs into view, steady stride, breathing hard, sheened with sweat. Approaching him, she slows to a stop. Hands on her knees, catching her wind. He CLICKS the watch. MAC Consistent. And rather impressive. She sends a nasty smile, thanks a bunch. But maybe she likes the compliment, after all. EXT. MAC'S CABIN, BOLINAS - NIGHT Rustic cabin in moonlight. Ringed by woods. Middle of nowhere, which is where Mac likes it. As we approach the lit window, we hear two oddly-matched sounds. splashing water. And the HISS of a violent POWER TOOL. We MOVE THROUGH the window, into... INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Two figures stand in the shower, spray SOAKING their shorts and tank tops. Gin is operating a sleek WELDER, trying to perform micro-surgery on a DARTBOARD which Mac waves in all directions at the end of a short pole. MAC All right, six and seven... She blinks the spray from her eyes, and deftly SEARS the wire dividing those two numbers on the board. As Mac keeps waving it, she goes off line. Concentrates. Gets it right. The wire PEELS away... MAC Three and four... EXT. CABIN - DAY CLOSE on Gin operating a small steamshovel with a loading attachment on the front. It is mounted with two 2 x 4's, set close together, protruding from the loader. She maneuvers the wooden prongs toward a pile of big rocks. But as she positions to scoop one up, her vehicle SWAYS WILDLY, and we PULL BACK to see it is... ...dangling from a CRANE, operated by Mac. Gin stays with it, concentrates, and on the next pass she glides her boards UNDER a huge rock, LIFTING it awkwardly. Ignoring the bumpy ride, she pivots, and deposits her prize in place atop what has become... ...a WALL of stones. GIN What the hell are we building? He gives this some reflection. MAC A chalet, I think. Or an outhouse. EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT Mac and Gin paddle KAYAKS, side by side. A full moon slams off the rolling surface of the sea. Light chop, enough to bob pretty strong once they stop paddling. His stopwatch GLOWS. He says only... MAC Forty seconds. And she FLIPS OVER, submerging her head and torso, and we go... ...WITH her underwater, upside-down in the kayak, she STRUGGLES to FREE a group of tools which are tethered to her wetsuit. Fumbling to BREAK the seal on a slender TUBE, which BURSTS, sending a GLOW of yellow-green LIGHT in all directions. She fits the flexible tube around her head like a headlamp, pulling out... ...a small ELECTRIC FAN with side HANDGRIPS of black metal. Buffeted by the current, Gin manages to flip a small switch on the housing of the fan, and... ...nothing happens. Again. Nothing. And again. SHIT! With a supreme effort, she tries to ROLL herself upright, but... ...can't quite make it. Blind PANIC now, blowing bubbles, FLAILING at the kayak, which suddenly... ROLLS upright, manipulated by Mac. She sputters and tries to THROW the tethered fan at him, but it snaps back and SLAMS her across the shoulder. She is furious. GIN Get your fucking equipment together, man, this is a professional operation!! EXT. WOODS - DAY Gin in a clearing, arms at her sides, a determined look. Mac is somewhere just behind us. MAC (O.S.) This time, when you raise your arm. Don't breathe. She nods, got it. Focused. suddenly, in the clearing before her, a HOSTAGE SILHOUETTE TARGET pops up, the outline of a terrorist shielding himself with a hostage, Gin's arm rising with a BLUR and... ...BLAMM, BLAMM, BLAMM!!! The paper terrorist is NAILED in the head. Two out of three. She lets out a thin stream of air. Proud of herself, but too cool to gloat. MAC Very, very nice. Had a tour with the Mosad, did you? She turns slowly. GIN Where does this fit in the game plan? His enigmatic, yet fond, smile. MAC Oh, it doesn't. But one never knows... A quiet wink. MAC You might need it with me. INT. CABIN - NIGHT CLOSE on Gin leaning back at a 45 degree angle. She is sweating. This is hard. HEAR a SLAM-THWOCK! And ANOTHER. PULL BACK to reveal... She is climbing UP the inside of the angled A-frame CEILING, using hand rods with powerful SUCTION cups, and similar suction devices on the balls of her feet. A human spider, inching up the wall with everything she's got. She SLAMS the next hand rod down, and it... ...slips. GIN Shit. ...as she TUMBLES eighteen feet to... DISAPPEAR in an ocean of STYROFOAM packing bubbles, which EXPLODE in all directions like popcorn in a nuclear accelerator. She has totally VANISHED. Buried alive. GIN (O.S.) DID I SAY SHIT? Mac is wading into the sea of plastic bits, DIGGING her body out with his bare hands. Once more, she comes up sputtering. GIN This one, I will not get! He's holding her in his arms. Leans close. MAC But you will, you'll get it all. You are actually... He kisses her. MAC Quite remarkable. Something in the way he looks at her. Her return gaze is naked. It looks like love. MAC Take the rest of the evening off. And kisses her again. Her eyes close. EXT. FRONT PORCH - MORNING Mac sits alone at a table, sipping coffee, reading Barron's. A short-wave radio is playing BBC World Service. Leaning against an open laptop, is... ...Mac's stopwatch. He glances up at it. What he sees makes him reach into a duffle at his feet, withdraw... ...a rectangular gun-metal gray DEVICE. Looks like a cross between a remote control clicker and a large cell phone. Turns it ON. The power display GLOWS green. EXT. HILLTOP - MORNING Gin running alone. Up the dirt path we've seen before. Ahead, the crossroads, the sign. The lonely phone booth. EXT. FRONT PORCH Mac tuning the device, which is an advance-design SCANNER. We HEAR overlapping CONVERSATIONS through bursts of STATIC... OVERLAPPING VOICES (O.S.) ...told you it's not a good time f...either, personally, I've never liked h...Giants' pitching, once ag...late, you want the Chronicle or don't y... INT. PHONE BOOTH Gin at the phone. Inserts her credit card. Catches her breath. EXT. FRONT PORCH Mac HEARS a phone RINGING over the scanner. Punches RECORD, PLUGS the scanner INTO his laptop. VOICE (O.S.) Webber Assurance. GIN (O.S.) This is oh-four-six-one. Hector Cruz, please, on a secure line. VOICE (O.S.) Please hold. Mac's laptop screen in printing. WEBBER ASSURANCE...HECTOR CRUZ... VOICE (O.S.) Go ahead, please. GIN (O.S.) Thank y... The line goes DEAD. So do Mac's eyes. Click the scanner OFF. INT. PHONE BOOTH Gin in her throaty, playful voice... GIN ...no way I'm telling you shit. CRUZ (O.S.) Baker, this is an extremely dangerous g... GIN ...right now, you're more dangerous than he is. A pause. Her voice is smiling. Not her eyes. CRUZ (O.S.) You want to explain th... GIN If I tell you what this is, and where this is, you'll send back-up, and those morons will blow my cover, and I'll be too dead to accept your apology. A longer beat. CRUZ (O.S.) You're fucking him, aren't you? GIN Right to the wall. Her eyes are stone cold. We've never seen her like this. She looks like Mac. CRUZ (O.S.) You're over your head, Baker. GIN Only romantically. I'll write to him in prison. She's pulling out a different piece of plastic. A drug store phone card. CRUZ (O.S.) Okay, it's your funeral. Next time I see you, I owe you a spanking. GIN Ooooo. Is that a promise? Her cold eyes through his chuckle. CRUZ (O.S.) While you're on secure, do you want a transfer? GIN Nope. I'm headed back to the hot tub. I'll call again, if I'm in the mood. And hangs up. Collects her thoughts. Inserts the phone card. Dials from memory. Fifteen digits. She must be calling Mars. At last... ...a man's VOICE. In a strange sing-song language. GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Is it over? SMASH CUT TO... EXT. TIENANMEN SQUARE, BEIJING - NIGHT Late night, mostly youngsters strolling the unfathomable vastness of the square. At what seems an immeasurable distance, the huge illuminated portrait of Mao zedong hangs from the Gate of Heavenly Peace. The scale of this place is unique in all the world. PAN to a nearby parked... ...Mercedes. COL. QIU of the People's Liberation Army, lounges at the wheel in full uniform. Talks into his cellular... QIU (subtitled Mandarin) ...it's not over yet, it hasn't even begun. He listens, winces. We can hear Gin's voice yelling at him in Mandarin, dishing out a major piece of her mind. QIU (subtitled Mandarin) ...after Midnight, when his meeting ends. In Zhongnanhai. He doesn't like her attitude. And there's plenty of it. QIU (subtitled Mandarin) The mask will be ready... A phalanx of TROOPS march past. The Colonel turns his face to shadow. Drops his voice... QIU (subtitled Mandarin) You fucking bring the bones. EXT. ZHONGNANKAI, BEIJING - LATE NIGHT The walled compound where the Politburo's elite work and live. From an open gateway... ...the MINISTER OF FINANCE appears, flanked by bodyguards in the drab green of PRC police. They step onto the street and turn into a narrow hutong. Down the alleyway comes a young man walking his bicycle through shadow. Nearing us, he raises his right hand, and... ...SHOOTS each bodyguard TWICE through the chest, DROPS the bike, LURCHES at the Minister with something cylindrical and gleaming, and... ...SPRAYS the cowering official's FACE with something that makes him SCREAM in pain, the assassin RUNNING down the hutong for his life, as a fallen guard... ...SHOOTS him in the back, and he goes SPRAWLING, SKIDDING, face down. Lifeless. INT. OPHTHALMOLOGIST'S OFFICE, BEIJING - NIGHT Col. Qiu walks beside a jaunty ophthalmologist, DR. HONGWEI, who is turning ON lights in the darkened office as they go. Behind them, two PLA SOLDIERS half-carry the agonized minister. Into an examination room... ...the minister gently set into an examining chair. The doctor tilts the face up, shines a light into the minister's eyes, which makes him GROAN. Eye drops now, which make the man YELP in pain. HONGWEI now moves the RETINAL SCANNER into position, resting the minister's chin on the slot provided. Turns it ON. The machine's panel FLASHES numbers in red lights. Hongwei looks into the box from the reverse angle, to view... ...a red LASER SCAN moving across the pupil vertically, then retracing its path horizontally, left to right, right to left, up and down, at speed. Hongwei moves to a computer monitor with a graphic rendering of the retina, clicks the keypad to section off a slice of the graphic, and ENLARGES the section 100 times. Looks like pixels. Back to the scanner. Touch a button, and... ...a COMPACT DISC pops out of the disc drive. He places it in a box, telling the minister... HONGWEI (subtitled Mandarin) We send this to the lab for finer analysis. One piece of advice, huh...? The minister squints up, painfully. HONGWEI (subtitled Mandarin) No more red pepper in your eye. Not for awhile. The doctor LAUGHS. The minister seethes. But Colonel Qiu... Has his mind. On business. EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATE NIGHT CLOSE on Gin's gloved hand, holding something we can scarcely see, as MIST floats up between us. It is a carabiner with a nylon rope attached, and she CLIPS it to a thick wire. GIN (O.S.) I'm freezing my tender parts. PULL BACK to see her in climbing harness, scaling a nearly-vertical CABLE, three feet in diameter. Enveloped in fog which reveals, then conceals. MAC (O.S.) I'm relieved to hear you have some. PULL WAY BACK to see him below her. The two of them climbing the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. They are near the top, more than 700 feet above the silvery black BAY. A precarious, dizzying sight. MAC What's amazing, is that only eleven workers died during construction of this thing... GIN (grim) ...thanks for sharing... MAC Of course, the others were saved by a safety net. Gin keeps her focus on the small railed PLATFORM just above her. A gutsy gal. MAC (loving it) Now, as for the suicides, they always jump facing the city. Avoids that tall fence about 50 stories down, see it, there? She's at the platform. GIN I never liked you. Unclips one last time. This won't be easy. Throws her rope OVER the railing, and to her surprise, Mac braces himself with his legs... ...lifts her from the waist with strong hands, boosting her easily to the platform. Grateful, she hates to confess it. GIN One act of fucking human kindness... MAC Call it a lapse. And he swings lightly up beside her. The fog has rolled past. There are several million stars. Transcendent beauty. She slows her breath... GIN And how does this fit into the game pl... MAC Oh, it doesn't. We came for the view. And from his contoured backpack, he pulls a bottle of Cristal. Flutes, wrapped in velvet. He POPS the cork in one motion, and it SAILS to its watery doom. She can't help but watch. One more motion to pour both glasses. Hands one to her. Toasts... MAC To Ginger Baker. He clicks her glass. She stares straight in his eye. Shows no surprise, no fear... GIN I'm partial to drummers. If they played with Clapton and Winwood. And takes a sip. Cool as a goose. Licks her lips. GIN The prescription bottle. When you stole my suitcase. But he's not drinking. Only staring. The wind has picked up. GIN Armand Baker was my husband, May 13 to October 27, 1982, he played alto sax, I was 17 years old. She takes another sip. Good wine. GIN He named me Ginger. He likes drummers, too. MAC And you get sentimental for him. Every time you order drugs. GIN I have I.D. in that name. I use it for various things I don't want traced. When credit unions turn their computers my way. MAC I could listen to you lie all night. She toasts him. GIN (softly) Same here, fella. Slowly, he reaches to an inside pocket, watching to see if she flinches. Her eyes do flicker. And follow. He withdraws not a pistol, but a handful of... MAC Do you like diamonds? Nine DIAMONDS, so large, so exquisite, she has to keep her eyes from bugging. Wow. MAC You asked. Does the machine. Make gold. Holy. Christ. MAC Gold is shit. It's six thousand dollars a pound. Worth your weight in gold...? His eyes travel her body... MAC That would put you at seven hundred thousand. GIN Would you pay it? And he leans. Looks in her eyes. MAC When the light hits you just right. I'd pay more. She liked that. Maybe a lot. GIN The machine. That we are stealing. Makes diamonds? No answer. GIN Real ones? MAC Gem quality. First ever. God save Japan. He toasts Blessed Japan to the East. Takes a hit. MAC A diamond reactor takes graphite, runs it through a combination of lasers, electron beams, and scanning- tunnel mg microscopes. He means this. She is transfixed. MAC This one uses krypton-fluorine laser, with a new isotope of krypton. She looks down at the diamonds in his palm. His fist CLOSES. MAC The atoms are rearranged. And the molecule of graphite becoznes a molecule of... He turns his fist UPSIDE-DOWN. And LETS GO! She GASPS as the brilliant stones FALL toward the sea. Watching, watching, long after the moonlit glimmer has evaporated. A hush. GIN I hate it. When you make a point. INT. SHIKOKU MARU - DAY CLOSE on two open PASSPORTS. The names say BANQUO MACDUFF and ISADORA DUNCAN. The faces are Mac and Gin. STEWARD (O.S.) All right, then. All set. PULL BACK to see Mac and Gin dressed as tropical tourists. She hangs on his arm. STEWARD We will keep your passports in our safe until Jakarta. MAC Of course. STEWARD You are Suite 16... GIN ...and never been kissed. The steward doesn't get it. Gin shrugs, sorry. MAC We had booked Suite 9. STEWARD 16 is our Tokugawa Suite, far superior, trust me. Mac consents. A little wary. STEWARD You luggage is in the room, these are your keys, the housekeeper will show you t... GIN (pouting) Oh. Can't we stroll around the port? Just a little? The steward checks his watch. STEWARD I'd be on board in forty minutes. Just to be safe. GIN (sweet smile) Better safe. Than sorry. EXT. DOCK, COLOMBO, SRI LANKA - DAY Mac and Gin stroll down the gangway, to the seedy, dangerous- looking wharf. At the bottom of the gangway... ...a wooden board to mark the whereabouts of guests. Each stateroom has a peg, which can be moved to ABOARD or ASHORE. Mac moves the peg for 16... ...to the ABOARD position. And off they go. INT. SMALL PLANE - NIGHT Mac in his jump suit piloting the Dehaviland DHC-53 across the endless black of the Indian Ocean. For the moment, he seems alone. Then... MAC Down there. Ten o'clock. He means a tiny grouping of LIGHTS. Way down there, against the darkness. He switches on the AUTOPILOT. Goes back to... ...Gin, waiting in her jump suit, sitting on a large pack of gear just beside the window of the jump door. Next to her, a pack that is even larger. No fear in her eyes tonight. Pure adrenaline. GIN Are you dumping fuel? MAC Changed my mind. There's nothing on the instruments downrange. The longer she flies before she ditches, the less chance they notice on the Bridge. As she stands, he begins to strap the huge pack ONTO her body. Jesus. With her chute, and the other gear attached, the load makes us uneasy. Not her. MAC You should lose the oxygen tank at 8000 feet. GIN And how do I judge that? Babe's intuition? He points to an altimeter device on his wrist. It says 12,000 feet. She cuts him a look. GIN So I just ask you on the way down? Or were you planning to e-mail me. He pulls out an identical device. Strapping it to her wrist... MAC I hate a crybaby. He straps the even-larger gear pack to himself. Checks the path of the tiny lights far below. Then, looks in her eyes... MAC (simply) You can do this. Not merely reassurance. Affection. Something connective between them. You are my partner. Her eyes send back that personal bond, and she nods. I can do this. Good girl. He pulls on his oxygen mask, goggles. She does the same. He OPENS the door, air BLASTING in. One more look down below, and he holds up ten fingers. Counts them down, nine...eight... She moves to the edge. Watching him. And on zero, she... ARCHES out INTO the starry VOID, and we go... WITH HER, the incomparable RUSH of freefall, straining to see him FOLLOW, skillfully altering his position to gain on her, coming close. She is looking between him and her altimeter, as... ...his oxygen tank FALLS AWAY, and she CUTS hers loose, the air RUSHING past her, she looks DOWN... ...the lights below are beginning to take the shape of the freighter. Back up to Mac, as he... PULLS his CHUTE, it is black and square, and JOLTS him to what seems like a full STOP far above her, and she YANKS her cord, but... ...nothing. It doesn't open. She is ROCKETING down, looking back up to see Mac make an exaggerated CUTTING sign across his body, and she closes her eyes, PULLS her secondary chute, which... POPS open, JARRING her violently, and she GASPS with the shock. He is well above her now, she isoff course, frantically trying to manipulate her trajectory, seeing him swooping closer, the freighter LOOMS in distance, she looks down and suddenly... ...the sea is RUSHING at her, she FIGHTS her braking mechanism, SHOUTING at herself... GIN FLARE, FLARE... ...and SLAMS INTO the water, PLUNGING down, twisting, disoriented CUTTING her chute loose, struggling not to get tangled, in a panic to BREAK her light tube, which... ...GLOWS yellow-green, illuminating the freezing depths, she FITS it around her head, fights now to pull out the small ELECTRIC FAN we've seen before, KICKING herself toward the surface, fighting against the weight of her gear pack, she... ...flips the switch, and the fan becomes a PROPELLER which ROCKETS her upward, but she loses her hold on one handgrip, tries desperately to hang on with one hand, but it... ...PULLS FREE, goes SHOOTING off into the blackness without her, one instant of TERROR in her eyes, and... Mac is THERE, diving at her with his propeller, she GRASPS his legs in a death grip, and suddenly, they are... AT the surface, Gin GASPING for air, and he CUTS his propeller, CRADLES her body with one strong arm, murmuring in her ear... MAC It's over, it's over... Her eyes are wild. MAC Catch your breath, quickly. Hang on for the wake. She sees the FREIGHTER now, a black mountain CUTTING the sea, a huge WAKE pluming from its bow. She grabs his waist with all she's got. GIN DO IT! GO! And he KICKS the propeller to LIFE, they ZOOM off, straight AT the towering wake and burst THROUGH it, RACING to the freighter's looming hull, speeding alongside, Mac looking up to find... ...a series of metal RUNGS, which begin twelve feet above the water line, climbing the dizzying height to the freighter's deck, far above. Mac has a Kevlar rope with a GRAPPLING HOOK, and as he reaches the rungs, he... ...THROWS it high, one of the pronged hooks CATCHING on a rung twenty feet above them... MAC HOLD TIGHT! GIN IF YOU FUCKING INSIST! And he LETS GO of the propeller, PULLING both of them, laden with gear, OUT of the water with sheer brute strength. PLANTING his feet against the outward curve of the hull, he CLIMBS with all his strength, hand over hand, until he finally... ...GRASPS the bottom rung. He PULLS them up, until she can GRAB ON. They hold tight to their rung for a beat. He attaches them both with metal carabiner clips. MAC If I were you, I'd watch the desserts. GIN Boy, I'll bet you were in shape before you got old. MAC Too long ago to remember. And pulls himself up to the second rung, so that he is standing an the first. Offers her his hand... GIN I can take it from here, thanks. Suit yourself. They begin to climb up the rungs, like a tilted backwards ladder, re-attaching their clips as they go. GIN If you'd packed my primary chute right, I wouldn't ha... MAC Yes, you would. You're a girl. Up, up. And stop. They are nearly halfway to the top. Looking across the curved hull to... ...a large circular HATCH. Thirty feet away. The goal. Mac pulls from his pack... ...their SUCTION CUP gear. With practiced speed, they fasten cups to the balls of their feet, take hold of the hand rods with cups attached, and Mac takes the lead as they begin to... ...move LATERALLY across the hull's surface toward the hatch. Mac is amazingly agile at the arduous process, scuttling sideways like a crab across the precariously tilted-back hull. Gin is deter- mined, but falls well behind, intent on making every suction seal solid one. Dark water RACES by beneath her., By the time she looks up at the hatch... He is gone. MAC (O.S.) Anytime you're ready. She looks UP sharply. He is ABOVE the hatch, attached to the hull by the balls of his feet, hanging down like a bat. Noting her astonishment... MAC Better angle. That it is. He has pulled a thick cylinder from his pack. It's a battery-operated AIR WRENCH, and with a menacing WHIRR, only partially masked by the ship's wake, he begins to swiftly POP all the rivets around the hatch. Gin has pulled out the slender WELDING TOOL we saw in the shower, and begins CUTTING through the metal seals around the hatch's rim. At thecrucial moment... MAC You might want to move aside... Which she BARELY does, as the hatch door PLUMMETS past her to the sea. BIG splash. Gone. When she turns back, Mac is already THROUGH the opening and she follows, their yellow-green headlamps partially revealing... ...the maximum-security HOLD. We've seen this with Carlsby. The fork lift. The shadowy multitude of PLATFORMS on their gimbals, all SWAYING, in different directions with the plunging of the ship. Gin just stands, staring everywhere, like she's broken into Fort Knox. The ROAR of the engines is louder here, and he moves close to her to speak beneath it... MAC May I trouble you for the torch? Or would you rather just dance. Oh. Slightly embarrassed at her lack of split-second efficiency, she tries to find the thing in her gear. After watching her fumble for a bit... GIN I know I packed it. ...he just reaches in and pulls it out. A small LANTERN which he FLICKS on, brilliantly ILLUMINATING the entire hold. Scans the platforms...polnts to a CRATE wrapped in 4-ply heavy duty plastic membrane. MAC Coal into diamonds. A wealth machine. GIN How do you know that's it? MAC (as if stating the obvious) It's 12 by 9 by 7 feet. And it's the only thing worth waterproofing, in case the ship sinks. GIN (softly) ...you twit. MAC Hmmn? GIN I'm just finishing your sentence. Can't you answer a question with- out making me feel stupid? He's heading toward the swaying platforms... MAC Why would I bother? He is climbing onto a lower platform, easily vaulting up to the magic crate. She follows, but it isn't as easy as he's made it look. She has to scramble, almost falling. He's already pulled from his gear... ...six rubber POUCHES. She hands him her welding tool, and he begins attaching the pouches to the top and sides of the crate. The plunging ship has the platform really rocking. GIN (concerned) They don't look like flotation bags... MAC (working fast) Shit. Well then, let's forget the whole thing. She stares at him. GIN Okay, it was a dumb ques... His eyes come UP. So fast that her breath stops. He looks plenty angry. MAC Let's get one thing straight. I don't work with partners much, because basically, I find most people to be idiots. She swallows. Hard. MAC You, in contrast, are first-rate. He watches the effect of that play across her eyes. MAC And if I think so. Maybe you should start thinking the same. Now move your ass. And goes back to work. She pauses a beat. Then pulls out two lengths of Kevlar rope. Begins securing their platform to the one above, to minimize the amount of sway. As she struggles with this, she sees him finish by welding a very small gray BOX to the top of the crate. When he glances up, he sees her staring at the box. MAC GPS transponder. Sends a scrambled signal by satellite... He touches the device. It BEEPS. A light glows RED. MAC Precise coordinates. You could find a golf ball in the Gobi Desert. He rises. JUMPS down to the floor. GIN Where you g... MAC (walking away) Fork lift. GIN That's my assignm... MAC (turning back) Unless you've got the keys, someone has to hot wire it. Oh. MAC Finish up on the floaters. And heads off toward the fork lift. Finish up? She looks at the rubber pouches. They seem finished to her. Tugs at a couple. On pretty firmly. Across the way, we HEAR the fork lift turn its engine OVER. GIN Won't they hear it? MAC (O.S.) Over these engines? Through five feet of steel? She hurriedly secures the last of her Kevlar lines. MAC (O.S.) Hell, if they do, they don't have the second key to get in. He is driving up in the rickety fork lift. Weaving around crates and equipment. MAC Thank God for redundant security. He hops lightly from the fork lift, reaches up, and she jumps down INTO his arms. Quickly, the switch places, Gin climbing into the idling fork lift, as Mac clambers up to UNBOLT the crate's pallet with his air wrench... Gin moves the fork lift into position. Mac bracing his legs against neighboring cargo, using all his strength to hold our crate steady. He is really straining. GIN How many tries do I get? MAC (with effort) One, before I beat you senseless, dump you over the side, and donate your share to charity. She brings the fork UP. The crate sways slightly. She lines up her prongs against the pallet's receiving holes... GIN You gotta work on that impatient streak. ...and slips them straight IN. First try. GIN (amazed) How professional. She LIFTS the crate, but the boat LURCHES, and she nearly LOSES it off the fork. But she doesn't. SWINGS her load around now. Heading for the open hatchway, the roiling sea racing by. Picking up SPEED, slightly... GIN Uh. Thing on the left is the brakes? MAC (laconic) Or the thing on the right. By now she is really ROLLING toward the wide open spaces... GIN MAC, IT'S JAMMED! He POUNCES off the platform, FLYING after the lift as it ACCELERATES THROUGH the opening... MAC JUMP, for God's sa... ...TIPPING at the hatchway lip, the crate sliding OFF the prongs, our forklift TUMBLING OUT the hatch to the sea, just as Mac... ...SNATCHES Gin by her HAIR, pulling her FREE of the falling forklift, CATCHING the rim of the hatchway with his free hand, Gin SCREAMING in fright and pain, BLINDLY grabbing his arm to be... ...jerked BACK to safety. Clutching Mac, she watches the sea behind them. Where the crate and the forklift disappeared. MAC You did activate the floaters. Her head WHIPS around. Aghast. GIN Activa... MAC I did say, 'Finish up on the floaters'. Surely, you heard me. Her life. Flashes before her eyes. As behind the ship... ...the crate BOBS to the surface. We can see the tiny red light on the transponder from here. MAC (softly) Oh. Guess I did it m'self. She WHIPS back, and starts POUNDING at him with her fists. He is laughing so hard, he takes a few good shots before he can GRASP her wrists. She SPITS in his face. He strikes back by... ...kissing her hard. She struggles for a beat. And then she lets him. When they finish, he reaches to UNZIP her jumping suit. All the way. Pulls it down gently, revealing... ...her evening gown. A wrinkle-free material which slips down across her legs from where it had been bunched across her hips. He is unzipping his outfit as well, revealing formal wear of his own. He stuffs the suits into his gear pack, removing only... ...her evening bag and shoes. Then lifting both packs, he... GIN Um... ...FLINGS them into the black ocean. Gone. GIN ...I wouldn't do that. So he turns. She looks really stunned. And scared. MAC Excuse me? GIN Well...I saw our suction things. Lying...over...there? She points. To where no suction things are lying. GIN (a mouse) ...so I put 'em in my pack? His eyes WIDEN. GIN Or maybe. I put 'em there. And points. To where they are. She tilts her head. Gives him a great smile. Is he enraged? His dry grin says, not hardly. MAC I like a quick study. Then again. You can never tell. EXT. FREIGHTER DECK - NIGHT Expansive barely-lit deck under a canopy of stars. A silver-haired couple in immaculate evening attire stroll alone, he is humming to barely-audible dance music from a distant lounge. She clings to his arm, it is romantic. Until they reach the railing where he turns, and says something quietly in German... She stiffens. Pulls her arm away from his. She sneers coldly, calls him a name in German, and he UNLOADS on her, a barrage of German-language INVECTIVE that would melt a tank. She absorbs the abuse without flinching, turns toward the rail, HAWKS and... ...SPITS over the side. Strides away from him. He watches her go. Then... ...SPITS over the side himself. And follows her. Half a beat. Mac's head APPEARS above the rail. Just where they spit. Not a mark on him. INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT Our old German couple are DANCING wonderfully in each other's arms Inspiring. PAN a dozen really old couples dancing to the three- piece Filipino ensemble, until we come to... Gin and Mac spinning slowly, flawlessly, their eyes telling the surrounding geezers that they are very much in love. We CLOSE to hear their sweet murmurings... MAC ...no matter how many stones we make, the diamonds are just an appetizer. GIN (dreamily) And the meal...? MAC My contract. With DeBeers. She blinks. Hit by a ton of bricks. GIN Oh my G... MAC Sensible folks, DeBeers. A world monopoly in diamonds based on one simple principle...something's only priceless if it's scarce. He WHIRLS her in a tight spin. The geriatic Germans can only watch and envy. MAC These guys dig up all the diamonds on the planet, just to keep them out of circulation. Otherwise, you could buy 'em at the Five and Dime... GIN Watch the old guy stuff, they don't have dimestores anym... MAC Imagine the chaos we could cause. She is imagining. GIN You said 'contract'... MAC We're sort of bounty hunters. Gin likes the ring of that. Green eyes dance with delight. MAC Our machine is worth far more dead. Than alive. VOICE (O.S.) Glad to see you're both alive. They look over. The officious STEWARD from this afternoon. Now in black tie. STEWARD When you missed cocktails. And supper. I thought of knocking on your door... Mac turns Gin so that she can send the boob a lazy smile... GIN Oh, I wish you had. We love having strangers join us! Maybe later...? Mac turns her once more, so that he faces the flummoxed steward across her bare shoulder... MAC Promise you an interesting time... Trademark smile. MAC Or my name's not Banquo MacDuff. You twit. INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT Our couple moving down the softly-lit hallway, past the burnished doors of luxury suites. Her arms wrapped around one of his, their bodies close together. MAC ...well, I would ask what you're doing with the rest of your life. But that's your own bloody affair, isn't it? She sighs. GIN Yeh. Anyway, before you get too choked up on the farewell. I feel I owe you a confession. He glances down. Really? Really. GIN Time has come to tell you. What business. I'm actually in. He thinks about this. And then... MAC Not here. EXT. DECK - NIGHT Mac leads her along the empty moonlit deck to... ...the BOWSPRIT, a long, narrow platform, ringed by a flimsy rail, it juts far out above a churning sea. The whipping of the wind makes it seem all the more precarious. MAC It only looks dangerous... Holds out his hand. She hesitates. MAC You couldn't fall off. Unless someone threw you over. Gives her the smile. She puts her hand in his, and they hop UP to the platform. Walk its length to the very end. He turns now, leans casually against the fragile railing. They are inches apart. MAC More intimate. For a confession. Gin looks down at the plume of wake leaping off the bow. MAC What business. You are actually. In. She looks up. To his eyes. Into them. GIN Yeh. I'm not an art dealer. MAC Of course not. You're a cop. And tilts his head. Just to one side. MAC An insurance investigator for Webber Assurance, your boss is an idiot named Hector Cruz, you've been there four years and ten months, you're quite the rising star. GIN (evenly) Nope. His head tilts. Just a little farther. MAC (very softly) Nope? GIN I'm a thief, Mac. Holds the look. GIN For five years, I've used the database of every client Webber has to plan my jobs. Museums, banks, jewelers, rich people, I have floor plans, alarm codes, passwords, the works. His face absolutely neutral. Unreadable. GIN I've made a fortune. It's not enough. MAC Why n... GIN Why wasn't it enough for you? He falls silent. GIN The Vermeer that was stolen from Hancock Tower? That was my job. I scaled the building with electromagnets, and parachuted down an air vent... No smile at her lips. Strictly business. GIN ...after mailing the painting. To where we're going next, actua... MAC (quietly) We. She looks him up and down. GIN Yeh, we. You passed the audition. Now he smiles. First time. MAC (a murmur) Imagine my relief. GIN I need a partner. For the biggest, smartest, job. Ever. The one you retire off of, because nothing else could ever compare with the rush. MAC Ever. Is such a long time. GIN This is a job that can only be done in one place, in one split-second in human history. If we miss that instant. We lose. MAC And it's worth...? GIN Eight billion dollars. That's eight thousand million. MAC How much in shillings? GIN You're not a real trusting guy. MAC And I tried so hard to hide that. GIN It's two jobs. The first steals something priceless from the National Palace Museum in Taipei. We don't keep that. We trade it in for our ticket to the show. MAC One moment in time, you s... GIN Midnight, July 1, 1997. Eight days from now. The moment that Hong Kong is annexed by china. And now. She has his interest. She can see that. GIN 80-20 split. MAC Don't be so hard on yourself. It's your plan, you should take at least thirty perc... GIN My 80, your 20. Asshole. He thinks this over. MAC 50-50. Or you can swim to Taipei. She is not impressed. Or afraid. He grins... MAC What are you gonna do with six billion dollars that you can't do with four? GIN Hold the record. Alone. This. He likes. So much that he leans to kiss her, with surprising tenderness. MAC Your share is 50%. And one dollar. Her hard stare. And then, she smiles. Just barely. Still in his arms... GIN I like what you left. In the hold. MAC You didn't even see wha... GIN A lump of coal. A pair of pliers. A note that said, 'Squeeze hard'. This is the most taken with her that he has ever looked. She leans up and kisses him. Whispers... GIN Squeeze hard. EXT. STREET, SHIHLIN DISTRICT, TAIPEI - LATE NIGHT Ugly section of an ugly town. Unmarked warehouses, alleyways teeming with food stalls. HEAR a motorcycle approach, and see... ...Gin driving, Mac sits behind her. Going real fast, maybe she's showing off, we FOLLOW them DOWN a blind alley, as she smoothly WHEELS them into... ...an open FREIGHT ELEVATOR. She climbs off, he doesn't. As Gin goes to work the controls, Mac sees a cat curled in the corner, mewing softly. GIN That's Madame Chiang Kaishek, she's my bud. An evil streak a mile wide. The elevator JOLTS to life. MAC No surprise. They CLANG upward. Mac seems utterly relaxed. Gin paces a little, hugging herself. Her features tense. MAC (gently) Tired? She blinks up. He is straddling the bike. Smiling at her. GIN I have a lot on my mind. Ah. Well... MAC You look beautiful doing it. He seems to mean that. And it seems to melt her a little. She sags against the wall, closing her eyes, as... ...they JOLT to a stop. She PULLS the heavy LEVER, and the door SLIDES noisily open, to reveal... ...a gigantic LOFT. She flicks on a dim light, but we see only part of the cavernous space. She strolls, Madame Chiang trotting along behind. Mac follows, looking around, then down to see... ...a pile of MAIL, cables, packages. The unopened MAILING TUBE we saw in the Hancock Tower penthouse. He crouches, lifts the tube in his hands... GIN (O.S.) You wanna buy a Vermeer? MAC Rather steal it. GIN (O.S.) Been there, done that. He nods to himself. Guess so. He rises to see her framed against the gaping starlit opening of a huge LOADING DOOR. The twinkling island lies below. But here, Gin stares down at... ...an elaborate architectural MODEL. Fifteen feet across, it features an imposing yellow, pagoda-roofed BUILDING, built into the side of a model MOUNTAIN. Formal gardens, fountains, tiny Kuomintang flags. Stretching away from the building, a large portion of the CITY, with shops and alleyways elaborately detailed. As Mac joins her... GIN National Palace Museum, Taipei, Taiwan. Repository of four thousand years of Chinese culture... He bends to lift UP the detachable roof. All the rooms are detailed within, down to exhibit cases. GIN Works of gold, bronze, jade, onyx, pots and scrolls, paintings and porcelains and lacquer work. Every treasure the Kuomintang could loot before the Reds took over. (beat) Ever rob the place? MAC No. If memory serves. She takes him by the hand, and leads him toward the gaping doorway, walking straight toward it... GIN You need to eat something, or are you ready for sex? And just at the edge of it... MAC (torn) The options seem so limited. They jump THROUGH the opening. And VANISH. Our ANGLE closes on the doorway, to see OUT now, sitting like a jewel against the hillside... ...the NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM, looking exactly like the model. The town spread out beyond. Just as in the model. And now we TILT sharply DOWN to see... ...a loading PLATFORM, suspended above the island, only a few feet below our opening. Like a balcony without a railing. Mac and Gin already sinking down onto a waiting futon. Looks like he's made his pick. Among limited options. INT. LOFT - SUNRISE CLOSE on the MODEL MUSEUM in early light. Propped against it, the unrolled Vermeer. Pinned to the painting, a note we can't read. In the B.G., HEAR what sounds like the rattling of a SUBWAY TRAIN, which runs a short distance and STOPS. We TILT ANGLE now, to see... ...through the sunlit opening of the loading door. Mac's head APPEARS, peeking up over the lip. MAC Ginny...? LOST in another brief subway rumble. He lightly VAULTS up through the doorway. Looks around, no Gin. Goes to the model. Lifts the note pinned to the Vermeer... MAC (reads) This lovely parting gift can be yours. If the price is right. Stumped. Not in his cultural database. He looks at the model, to see that the stretch of city between museum and mountain has been lifted away, revealing... ...an underground RAILWAY TUNNEL between the two. Mac examines the tiny train, the tracks, the winding route. From the side walls, well above the tracks, huge VENTILATION PIPES open onto the tunnel. Starting at the museum end, they are labeled VENT #1, and so on. There are five. The last one shortly before... ...the mountain. Where a cavernous opening is labeled BARRACKS. Tiny toy soldiers kneel on a landing, rifles in position to shoot at the oncoming train. And as Mac studies this curiously... ...the nearby SUBWAY RATTLES the walls once more. Sounds like it's in the room, somehow. Mac rises. Saunters across the loft, and we see for the first time the enormity of this space. Suddenly, the floor ends, and we are looking down nearly thirty feet onto... ...a spacious HANGAR, outfitted with 150 feet of RAILWAY TRACK, at the far end of which sits a full-sited TRAIN CAR, exactly like the one in the model. And just below us... ...Gin crouches on a concave platform of corrugated metal, eighteen feet above the track. She holds a remote control device, which she uses to REV the train's engine, far down the line. She looks really tense. MAC Good morning. She startles slightly. Shuts OFF the train's engine. As she looks up to him now, the silence is noticeable. He crouches down, only a foot or so above her... MAC Quite a parting gift. I would have settled for roses. GIN It's a joke. You know, a joke? People who have a sense of humor make them? He's clueless. But smiling. GIN You're rich, go buy an American, have him fill you in on the culture. MAC Ah. American culture. Well, that is a joke. He leans down. Strokes her hair very gently. MAC (murmurs) Relax. It's only eight billion dollars. She looks up into his eyes. But she can't smile. MAC (softly) Your Vermeer? I like this View Of Delft better than the larger one. The sky is more emotionally rendered. Staring in his eyes. And just as softly back... GIN Nice. When a sky is that. He holds the look. Very strong and very gentle... MAC Is it easier now? Not pretending. Is it? MAC Not pretending you're an innocent. Not pretending you...like me. No answer. Effortlessly, he hops down to join her. Never losing eye contact. MAC Here's a tip from an old-timer. Never forget who you are... Settles next to her. Bodies touching. MAC It gives you someone to be. When you stop pretending. Okay? She nods, slowly. Her eyes moving over his face. Maybe more feelings going through her than she can sort out. MAC (still soft) So. Our train runs from the museum, through an underground tunnel. To a mountain. GIN Because the museum displays 10,000 relics at any given moment. But there are 60 times that many, stored in the mountain. This overwhelms. Even Mac. GIN Which is why it's guarded. By an army. She is unfastening the small pack at her feet... GIN The train shuttles relics to and from storage. It looks exactly like that. So Mac looks down the line. At the train car. GIN I've been down the air ducts four times. The train always has two armed guards. Always travels between 32 and 36 miles per hour. Relics don't like to be jostled too much. MAC (all business now) Your model has five vents. GIN We go down the first. Back up the third, if you're lucky. If not, we have to get out by the fourth. MAC (simply) Then we will. She pulls from the pack four thick DISCS, each about eight inches in diameter, each with a toggle switch and a wrist loop. She starts to put two of them on... GIN Electromagnets, incredibly powerful. This switch is on-off. He gestures at the train, the track, the hangar... MAC Seems like overkill. For one simple jump. GIN Well, it's an eight billion dollar jump. You miss the train...you've missed the train. Flicks ON her remote. Down the track the engine REVS. Like crazy. GIN We've got five days to grab the Bones, trade them for the Scan, and pull our 8 billion out of Hong Kong. Once midnight passes on July 1st... MAC ...we've missed the train, yeh. The Bones? The Scan? GIN Oh. Have I neglected to fill in the details? MAC An oversight. GIN Which I learned from the master. Hey. Wish me luck... CLICKS the remote, the train LEAP5 forward, 36 MPH never seemed so fast! She has a split-second to LEAP down, the train SAILS beneath her, Gin's feet GRAZE the back end of the platform at the rear of the car, she SWIPES DESPERATELY with the magnets, can't connect, and is THROWN into a ROLL along the side of the tracks. She's UP on her knees, watching the train SLAM into the massive blue PADS at the end of the track. She is bruised, shaken, but most of all, really worried and really pissed. MAC (quietly) Jump sooner. She pulls out the remote... GIN Be my fucking guest. The train ROCKETS backward, straight PAST where she kneels, to BRAKE at the start of the track once more. She nods up to Mac, who is strapping on his magnets. He crouches, nods, ready. And the train... ...BLASTS toward him, he counts, JUMPS, and SLAMS ONTO the ROOF of the train, which PLOWS into the heavy padding, FLINGING him twenty feet like a rag doll to land in a HEAP. He lies still. Then blinks, surprised he's alive. HEARS a rich whiskey LAUGHTER down the track. MAC I'm too old for this shit! And as he pulls himself up. She is staring at him, from her knees... GIN Know a dude named Wiley Coyote? ...with what can only be described as love. GIN (softly) Forget it. EXT. NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM, TAIPEI - DAY AERIAL VIEW down toward the sweeping pagoda roofs of the MUSEUM, the formal gardens, the fountains, the tree-lined driveway. CLOSE now, as a cab pulls up, a couple emerges... She is first. Chanel suit with an extremely short skirt, revealing endless legs. She helps him from the taxi, a white-haired geezer who seems well past 90, fumbling with his walking stick, and making quick, erratic, bird-like glances in every direction. She takes his arm for support. Murmurs in his ear... GIN Isn't it easier now? Not pretending? Gives him a full-tongue KISS in the ear, which has bystanders noticing. Starts to help him up the stairs, still whispering close... GIN Five years, you won't need make-up. In answer he GRABS her ass, and she YELPS with delight, attract- ing attention all around. His turn to whisper, as he massages her backside... MAC We agreed. No underwear. GIN Overkill. I can do it with legs. He stops. Gives the long legs a dubious twice-over. MAC I'd lose the underwear. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Mac leaning on her arm, as they pass case after case. Bronzes, jades, lacquer work. Every object exquisite, priceless. GIN The Oracle Bones date back to the Shang Dynasty, 3500 years ago. They are writings...carved into ox bones, tortoise shells... She cuddles close to him. They approach a tour group, the female guide speaking in four European languages. Really loud. GIN The oldest Chinese writing any- where, the first proof of Chinese civilization. MAC What makes this one so valuable? He stops, drowned out by the tour guide, rhapsodizing over an urn. Butts into her rap... MAC (subtitled Italian) Except it's Chien-lung, mimicking Sung Period. The color is far too delicate. The woman gets real insulted. Apparently, he's right. MAC (subtitled German) It's all right, you have a nice body. And walks on. Confides to Gin... MAC When you're old, you can do anything GRABS her bottom once more, altering her voice slightly on... GIN There we are. A separate display room. A single steel pedestal. Under the smart-glass security case, one single object. It is a fragile, yellowed fragment of bone. The shoulder blade of an ox. Covered with tiny script. GIN Last year, ancient artifacts were discovered in the Gulf of Mexico. An Olmec civilization, 3200 years old. No tourists in the display room. A velvet rope is up. Three GUARDS mill at the entrance. This exhibit is off-limits. GIN Amazingly, markings on these Olmec figures were identified as Shang Dynasty writing... A sign explains, SORROWFUL TO INFORM ORACAL BONE CLOSE FOR TRAVEL EXIBITION UNTIL IS NOVEMBER. GIN This particular Bone is price- less, because it is the one that establishes the link. Proves that American civilizations descend from Chinese ancestors. She is pulling out her coin purse, as they stand by the rope. Unzipping it slowly... GIN Exactly the kind of propaganda shit they eat up in Beijing. The mainland would pay anything to get its paws on th... As her shaking 'elderly' companion SPASMS, knocking the purse OUT of her hand, it CLATTERS to the floor, sending a hundred coins ROLLING in all directions. Some under the rope. MAC (old guy voice) SHIT! BLOODY HELL!!! And collapses to the hardwood floor in search of the coins, HOWLING as he BANGS his knees. Some bystanders hurry to help. And one of the guards. As Mac tries to crawl under the rope to pursue coins... ...the guard STOPS him with a firm hand, pointing at the pidgen- English sign. Meanwhile, calmly, very slowly... ...Gin crouches down to retrieve coins, the short skirt riding recklessly high on her upper thighs. The two remaining guards hurry to help her. Mac's guard, bystanders, all transfixed by the marginal preservation of her modesty. Noticing the eye-lines all around, she confides to the nearest guard... GIN (in Mandarin, helpful) Those are the coins. These are my legs. Unnoticed, Mac is BANGING his wristwatch, which seems to have broken. CLOSE on him now, manipulating a glide point DEVICE on the side of the watch, and we RACK FOCUS to see... ...one coin. Inside the rope. Move. As Mac checks to see all eyes are elsewhere, he guides the coin's slide slowly, inexorably, to... ...ATTACH itself magnetically. To the steel pedestal. Beneath the Bone's case. As it does, Mac's watch BEEPS slightly, as we CLOSE on it to see... ...DATA flickering across its face. MAC (old guy voice) Amanda! Time for my pills! INT. NOODLE SHOP, TAIPEI - DAY Gin and Mac at a long communal table, ignored, by Taiwanese couples, families, businessmen, chattering loudly all around them. Gin looking down at her bowl, she's barely touched her meal... GIN ...no, I don't think that way. Glances up. Mac is eating heartily, happily. GIN ...and I suppose you do? MAC Get lonely? Sure, all the time. It's healthy. Stuffs his mouth full. Talking around it... MAC What's unhealthy. Is denial. She's studying him as he eats. Since he's not looking at her, Gin's eyes are thoughtful, appraising. GIN Be real. you could never see yourself...you know, quitting the game. Settling...down. And he looks up. Direct to her eyes. A dead straight, heart- stopping look. Before the wonderful smile. MAC Why, Ginger. This is so sudden. She cuts him a hard look. Not funny. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Late afternoon, the place has closed. Four armed GUARDS, accompanied by a museum OFFICIAL, push a large DOLLY across the hardwood floor, heels clicking, wheels rumbling softly, into... ...the room we've seen. The dolly stops by the display case of the priceless oracle Bone. The four guards position themselves around the triple-paned bulletproof case. It will be a bitch to lift. The official has a key. He inserts this into the lock of the titanium frame which holds the case to the steel pedestal. And as it CLICKS, we... SMASH CUT TO... INT. NOODLE SHOP - DAY Mac's arm rising with noodle-laden chopsticks, the wristwatch BEEPING softly. He drops the chopsticks, rising in one fluid motion as Gin does the same, throwing some bills on the table, he leads her... ...OUT the door, INTO the street, step OFF the curb, turn, DROP flat on his back, SLIDE DOWN the gutter, Gin following a split- second behind... INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK A train car stands, pulled up to a loading dock. Two SOLDIERS with assault rifles on the train's rear platform, waiting. Along one side of the tracks, a gravel roadway. An open air Jeep-type military vehicle stands empty. One of our soldiers speaks into a walkie-talkie, watching a huge steel DOOR at the entrance to the loading dock, which... ...OPENS now. Through it come the four armed museum guards, surrounding the dolly which carries the Bone's massive bulletproof display case. The official is with them, and hands paperwork to one of the waiting soldiers, as the museum guards LIFT the case, and carry it onto the train. INT. TUNNEL SHAFT An empty stretch of dimly-lit track, somewhere down the line. Silent. PAN up, way up, to... ...the shadows of a huge air vent. Must be vent #1, because two FIGURES are crouched there, as close as lovers. Even we can barely make them out, until we CLOSE to hear the hushed... GIN (strapping on a backpack) ...way we can use those in here. I thought I was in charge of this operat... MAC You're in charge of ego and worrying. I'm in charge of keeping you alive. He is holding something dull gray and small. It looks like a trun- cated nerf football with one end pointed and the other cut blunt. MAC These are plasma jet. All the force is directed forward, instead of dissipating in a sphere like a grenade. He has four of these. Gives her three. GIN I don't need th... MAC (whispers) Shut up. He reaches out, gently... MAC You don't trust me, you won't get through this. Touches her face. MAC Try to adjust to that for three more days. After July 1... Stares in her eyes. MAC ...you'll never have to trust again. And smiles. One more whisper... MAC Something. To look forward to. INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK The museum guards are back on the landing with the official. Our two soldiers stand facing them from the rear platform of the train car, as... The train RUMBLES to life. Ready to go. INT. MUSEUM Two guards arrive with a hand truck to carry off the empty pedestal, which once supported the Bone's case. One tilts the top of the pedestal back, supporting its weight, as the other stoops to lift the base, and... ...stops. He sees the coin. Oddly flat against the pedestal's shaft. He kneels, tries to lift the coin, but the magnet HOLDS it fast. He looks up to his companion. Then... ...PEELS the coin free, the other guard reaches for it, the first guard YANKS it away, and it FLIES from his hand, INTO the wall, and drops. As the guards go to look, the coin's back has come away. Revealing... ...electronics. INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK An ALARM SHRIEKS at a deafening level. Five museum GUARDS BURST through the doorway, LEAP from the landing, pile into the Jeep, and BLAST OFF down the gravel roadway after the departed train. INT. BARRACKS ENTRANCE A much larger landing at the other end of the tunnel, facing back the opposite way. The ALARM SCREAMS here, too, and massive steel doors CLANG open, as 25 SOLDIERS with assault rifles SWARM out onto the landing, taking up sharpshooter positions, weapons pointing back up the track. INT. AIR VENT #1 Mac and Gin crouched in the vent, high above the track, gas masks dangle around their necks, magnet paddles from their wrists, various objects from their belt loops. The alarm ECHOES, absolutely EAR-SPLITTING. She leans to shout in his ear... GIN WE HAVE TO ABORT! Above the siren, we can now hear the TRAIN coming... MAC HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO MAKE A CAREER OF THIS, IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A LITTLE INCONVENIENCE? The train LOUDER, closer, the alarm BLARING... GIN THEY'VE GOT AN ARMY DOWN TH... MAC I can do this. Quietly. Straight in her eyes. The train ROARS into view, FLASHES beneath them, as he GRABS her wrist and... ...JUMPS, HURTLING DOWN, both STRIKING the empty rear platform, Gin slipping off, but he HOLDS her fast, SWIPING with his magnet which... ...CLANKS hard, LOCKS solid. He PULLS her onto the platform, she looks dazed, clinging to him, he tugs her gas mask into place, slips on his own, and... ...FITS a magnetic DEVICE from his belt loop ONTO the door lock, SPINS a dial on the device, which POPS the lack OPEN, Mac BURSTING... ...THROUGH the door, lobbing a GAS GRENADE at the startled guards, who try to whirl and FIRE through the fog of red smoke, two wild SHOTS above the rolling Mac, and they are felled by the gas where they stand. Gin races in, falling on her butt, as the car ROCKS along the track. Points OUT the window... GIN (through mask) THERE'S THE NUMBER TWO VENT, ONLY 45 SECONDS TO THE THIRD! Scrambling to her feet, Mac wheeling toward the Bone. GIN (through mask) TEST THE CASE! He THROWS a handful of coins at the glass case, and purple UV BEAMS ARC from the glass to FRY the coins in midair. Mac pulls a dull rectangle the size of a cigar box from Gin's backpack, as we SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL The Jeep BLASTING after the train at crazy speed, the four non- drivers with weapons at the ready... INT. BARRACKS LANDING TROOPS FILL the platform, and have spilled onto the tracks, enough weapons to dust Butch and Sundance. INT. TRAIN Mac operating the cigar box which is actually a customized OSCILLOSCOPE, with countless KNOBS and a SCREEN which displays WAVE PATTERNS. The machine is emitting SHRILL whistling TONES that cut through even the siren. GIN (through mask) TAKE IT TO 30 AND CLIMB! Mac SPINS the dials and two overhead light bulbs BLOW. The glass case housing a fire ax SHATTERS. The Bone's case is untouched. SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL WITH the Jeep, BOMBING around a curve to SEE the train at last. WE OPEN FIRE, accelerating after the train with everything we've got, gravel FLYING like shrapnel, and up ahead... ...the train's windows BLOW OUT, the tunnel SHOWERED with glass fragments. SMASH CUT... INT. TRAIN Mac JUICING the box, the deafening TONE competing with the sirens, the gunshots, Gin SHRIEKING as she points through a blasted-out window... GIN (through mask) THIRD VENT GONE! And the Bone's case EXPLODES, Gin WHIRLING away to protect her face, as we SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL The Jeep now ALONGSIDE the rear platform of the train. The driver fighting to hold it steady, as... ...the guards begin to CLAMBER over the side, GRASPING for the platform's rails, one goes DOWN screaming onto the tracks, but two MAKE IT, then a third, they BURST... ...INTO the train to see... Nothing. Two groggy, half-conscious soldiers. Discarded gas masks, oscilloscope. No Mac. No Gin. And inside the shattered case... A chicken bone. The pack-rat strikes again. INT. TUNNEL Mac and Gin FLATTENED to the side of the train above the window line, held fast by their magnets. We are on the opposite side from the gravel path, so the train screens us from the jeep. SHOUTING above the din... GIN THERE'S THE FOURTH! Up ahead an AIR VENT looms, we are HURTLING toward it. Mac and Gin each free one hand, reach into their backpacks for... GIN OUR LAST CHANCE, THE FIFTH IS AT THE BARRACKS! ...twin GRAPNEL GUNS, which look like big 9mm pistols, but with a blunt, round end. As we STREAK toward the VENT, Gin lifts her gun, SHOOTS at it, a cable-attached PROJECTILE EXPLODING toward the target, OPENING in mid-flight to a three-pronged HOOK, which... ...FALLS just SHORT, the hook tumbling to CLANG on the tracks, as Mac... ...FIRES his, the projectile EXPLODING, the hook OPENING and... ...BITES into the wall, only four feet from the vent, its cable stretching back to the gun in Mac's hand, we're almost there, and Mac slips the pistol... ...INTO Gin's free hand. GIN WHAT ABOUT YOU? MAC ALLOW US A MOMENT OF CHIVALRY. Their eyes meet. He sees her hesitate to abandon him. MAC FIRST RULE. SAVE NUMBER ONE. They FLASH PAST the vent, Mac RELEASES her magnet, Gin's freed hand GRASPING to join the other at the pistol, as she... ...ROCKETS up, CATAPULTED back toward the vent by the retractable cable, as a RIFLE APPEARS from a window beneath us, taking aim at Gin, and Mac... KICKS it off line, the shot BOOMING, the guard almost dropping the weapon, then SWINGING it back UP, slamming the muzzle directly INTO Mac's GROIN, as Mac... ...GRASPS the barrel, YANKING it up, SLIPS the shot SCREAMING past his head, PULLING the guard half out the window to KICK his face, sending him DOWN to the tracks, as we CAREEN around a curve, seeing in distance now... ...the END of the line, the massive BARRACKS LANDING, the phalanx of TROOPS, the fifth and final AIR VENT midway between us. Mac's free hand pulls out... ...the lone PLASMA GRENADE he kept for himself, and as we CAREEN toward the troops, Mac HEAVES the grenade uptrack, and it... ...EXPLODES in a horrifying FIREBALL, which RIPS UP the train tracks, COLLAPSING a section of tunnel wall ONTO the gravel path, a choking CLOUD of yellow SMOKE filling the tunnel, obscuring everything, our train ROCKETING... ...TOWARD the flames, nearly AT the metal SUPPORT BEAM which runs vertically up to the final air vent, and as the train FLASHES PAST it, Mac... LUNGES out, SLAMMING both magnets ONTO the support beam, the momentum FLATTENING his body fully horizontal like a flag on a pole, the train PLUNGING ON without him, as guards shoot blindly back from the windows, the jeep PLOWING full tilt INTO the rubble of tunnel wall, the train... ...DERAILING in a terrifying CRUSH of twisted metal, screams, shouts, the smoke and flame everywhere, and we SNAP TO... REVERSE ANGLE...the soldiers' POV from the landing, SCATTERING as the derailed train HURTLES AT them, INTO them, chaos, until at last they see... ...above the clearing smoke, near the tunnel ceiling... ...Mac CLIMBING deftly up the support beam, magnets CLANKING, hand over hand, nearly at the vent, and the shouting troops... ...OPEN FIRE, bullets CHEWING UP the tunnel wall, as we SMASH CUT TO... INT. STORAGE ROOM - DAY Silence. Cluttered, dimly-lit storage room. Boxes of SHOES reach to the ceiling, Gucci, Bruno Magli, the good stuff. Footsteps precede... ...a young SALESMAN, tailored, attractive. He goes right to the shelf he needs. Opens a box. Takes it and two others. As his steps recede, we PAN UP to... ...the ceiling. The mesh grating, which soundlessly... ...slides away. Gin DROPS lightly, twelve feet to the floor. Filthy from her adventure, she quickly unzips her backpack to remove... ...a sleek Halliburton case. Opens it. The Oracle Bone undamaged in its cushioned setting. Steps returning, she is... ...OUT of her jumpsuit in a heartbeat, revealing a costly slip of a dress, kicks the jump suit under the bottom shelf, as... ...the young salesman APPEARS to find her peeking into a shoe box. He is startled. She scowls at him, rubbing the grime from her face... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) There you are! Do you know how filthy this place is? Shows her dirty fingers as proof. SALESMAN (subtitled Mandarin) Madam, no one is supp... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) I'm looking for dress pumps, I'll need eight pairs. Oh. GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Unless you're too busy to help me. SALESMAN (subtitled Mandarin) Well, no, I... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Come to think of it, I need some dresses for evening... Lifts the Halliburton case, slings her pack over her shoulder, strides to the doorway. See the crowded upscale boutique... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Are you coming? Out she goes. And he follows. Maybe he's on commission. INT. VENT - DAY Mac, very much alive, somewhat the worse for wear, crawling through a darkened pipe on his belly, toward... ...a grating. Light filters through. Reaching the screen, he squints through it. Can't see shit. Listens. Nothing that rises above an ambient wooshing of air in the duct. He grasps the wires, pushes, and... ...FALLS straight THROUGH, tumbling ten feet to CRASH LAND in a heap. HEAR feminine SCREAMS before we look up to... ...three young WOMEN trying on lingerie, being attended by an older SALESWOMAN. The girls are half-naked and as Mac rises, one THROWS a red lace TEDDY in his face. He peels it off, and still holding the garment, calmly tells the saleswoman... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) It's all right, the security cameras behind the mirrors are working again. At which the customers SHRIEK, cover themselves all the more, and begin screaming at the poor saleswoman. During which... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) Well. If everything is in order... All four women. Look at him. EXT. LINGERIE SHOP, SHIN KONG MALL - SUNSET CLOSE on an entrance, just as Mac comes... ...FLYING THROUGH, propelled by two sizeable SECURITY GUARDS, once again landing in pieces. It's a long day. As Mac clears his head, they stand at the doorway with folded arms. Hoping he wants some more. MAC WHAT KIND OF A COUNTRY IS THIS? IN BRITAIN, A MAN CAN TRY ON LINGERIE WITHOUT COMPROMISING HIS DIGNITY! The bruisers look at each other. No habla Espanol. EXT. KAOHSHING HARBOR, TAIWAN - DUSK A super TUGBOAT, engines RUMBLING, ready to pull out. A woman paces the deck. Every time we see her, she seems more tightly wrapped. At last... ...here he comes, stepping briskly from the taxi, striding up the gangway, pulling from inside his coat... ...the red lace teddy. He drapes it over her face, and she pulls it away, steps into his arms... ...her kiss is urgent. Real. HOLD on the look in her eyes. What is she thinking? He strokes her hair, gently. Then, goes to look into the Halliburton case, which stands by the rail. As he crouches. As he looks at the Bone... She is watching him. An intensity to her gaze. More feeling than she is comfortable with, which... ...disappears completely, as he turns to her. And when he mimes FLINGING the case into the sea... She laughs. EXT. STATUE SQUARE, HONG KONG - DAY CLOSE on a British Petroleum BILLBOARD with a huge DIGITAL CLOCK, counting down by seconds...JUNE 29, 1997, 11:32 A.M. - 1 DAY, 12 HOURS, 27 MINUTES, 48 SECONDS TO: REUNION WITH CHINA! PAN to an AERIAL VIEW of... Hong Kong's bustling STATUE SQUARE, the hub of countless feeder streets and alleyways, as we ROAM to a SERIES OF SHOTS... ...billboards everywhere. Western businesses that announce WE'LL STILL BE HERE FOR YOU. Others, primarily British, sending farewells, gratitude for past patronage. China-sponsored depictions of happy Hong Kong and Chinese citizens, proclaim ONE COUNTRY, TWO SYSTEMS. ...moving vans, people pushing carts of belongings, shop signs advertising blowout inventory clearance sales. Traffic beyond gridlock. The human ant colony. ...incredibly long queues in front of post offices, American Express, the imposing glass and steel skyscraper called the HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK BUILDING. ...large groups of uniformed CHINESE SOLDIERS in the streets. More orderly DEMONSTRATION by anti-China PROTESTERS, their signs say MORE DEMOCRACY and FREE HONG KONG, their numbers watched by Chinese soldiers, who in turn are watched by British soldiers. CLOSE on the square now. A couple at a sidewalk vendor. Mac is purchasing a t-shirt. Gin dutifully lifts her arms, and Mac slips the garment over her head. It says CHINA GOT HONG KONG, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT. He regards her thoughtfully, and she turns, modeling for him as if wearing a Givenchy original. He approves, lifts the Halliburton case, and they move on, strolling, chatting until Mac... ...bumps HARD into a Chinese SOLDIER, both men REELING with the impact. The soldier carries an identical HALLIBURTON CASE, and the two men set their cases down side by side, as Mac steps forward... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) FUCKING HELL! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, MAN! No one notices, no one cares. Gin tugs on Mac's arm, don't get involved, dear. Mac reluctantly steps back. The soldier glares at him. Then, bends and picks up... ...Mac's case. A parting epithet in Mandarin, and the soldier starts off. Watching him, Mac unobtrusively fingers a concealed... ...PISTOL, ready for action. But keeps watching, as within a few yards, the soldier... ...stops. Opens the case. Checks out the Oracle Bone, right there in the middle of the square. Mac and Gin watching across the distance, with hair-trigger keenness. At last the soldier CLOSES the case... ...walks back to us. SOLDIER (subtitled Mandarin) I believe I took your case. Handing it to Mac, he leans forward, and in low, aecented English... SOLDIER 21 Old Peak Road. In 45 minutes. Picks up his own case. And is gone. EXT. MANSION, VICTORIA PEAK - DAY A vintage Aston Martin pulls up to a spectacular gated MANSION. Sparkling white, it is a blend of Edwardian and Regency. Gin is driving, speaks into the voice box, and the gate swings open. As they pull up the crushed rock driveway... ...a BUTLER appears, as British as the architecture. Climbing from the car, Mac has the Halliburton case. BUTLER Will you please come this way? And leads them around the side of the house. They walk slowly, a distance behind the butler, taking everything in. MAC I like this. His voice is strong, calm. No hint of a smile. GIN You like wha... MAC Not being told what the fuck we're doing. She looks equally serious. Just more tense. GIN You're on a 'need to know' basis. You'll get each step in time to execute, I thought you agreed to those condit... MAC (quietly) I like your not trusting me. Because it frees me to do the same. They come upon the spacious GROUNDS behind the mansion. A breathtaking view down the slope of Victoria Peak to Hong Kong and the harbor. Kowloon across the water. GIN I trust you. I only need to... MAC ...remain in control. They pass a towering row of perfect ROSEBUSHES. Mac SNAPS OFF a giant blossom. MAC Which is a sign of weakness. And hands it to her. Their eyes meet. MAC I like that, too. At the edge of the garden, above the commanding view, a luncheon TABLE has been set. Spread with delcacies. Two SERVANTS attend, also British. Only the host is seated. He does not rise. GIN Colonel Col. Qiu glances up from his meal. Green PLA uniform, absurdly decorated, wraparound Gautier sunglasses. We recognize him as the man who took Gin's call in his Mercedes in Tienanmen Square. The man who accompanied the poor Minister of Finance to the ophthal- mologist. QIU You look lovely, Ginger. Is the rose for me? GIN Of course. And leans prettily. To fasten it in the buttonhole of his lapel. GIN Col. Qiu Lai Chuen, this is Andrew MacDougal. Hearing his real name, Mac cuts her a look. GIN Real names here, darling. The Colonel and I have every incentive to keep each other's secrets. And she sits. Close to Qiu. Mac looks around at the property, the view. QIU Like the place, Andy? MAC Please. Mr. MacDougal will do. The Colonel smiles. First time. Like an alligator. Mac notices that the tablecloth is actually... ...a Union Jack. He fingers the flag. QIU This way. Doesn't matter if we spill. MAC My sentiments exactly. He sits. QIU This place was a gift. From its former owner. A Brit whose business will now happily continue to function. Perhaps...even expand. MAC (spreading his napkin) Planning to spend much time here? QIU Tho it has required many sacrifices. GIN The Colonel has divorced his wife. To facilitate the necessary entertaining of Western women. QIU Tho some are more entertaining than others. And runs the back of his knuckles up the length of Gin's bare arm. MAC Colonel. You are touching the woman I love... Which brings Qiu's eyes over. Really? MAC From time to time. And pulls up the Halliburton case. Handing it across the table. As Qiu takes the case in his lap, opens it... QIU You're a Scot. Would you like some 25-year-old Macallan? MAC Sure, I'll take a case. Qiu glances across the lawn to the butler, who stands behind the bar trolley. As the drinks are prepared, the Colonel studies the Bone. GIN The Colonel told his Minister of Culture that he could mount a surgical raid to liberate this treasure from Taiwan. MAC Ah. How much was the Minister told the raid would cost? QIU (not looking up) Counting equipment, personnel, bribes, an even fifty million American. All in. MAC Which you can now keep. The drinks arrive. QIU He would have paid twice that. But my needs are modest. And lifts from beneath the table, a leather POUCH. QIU Unlike. The woman you love. From time to time. Drops it into Gin's lap. She opens the pouch to reveal... ...goggles. Like one would wear in a tanning salon. Only these are flesh-colored with one small hole in the center of each lens. Slightly larger than the size of a pupil. She slips them on. A bright smile. GIN How do I look, honey? And Mac smiles. In return. MAC Like a woman. Of mystery. INT. SUITE, PENINSULA HOTEL - LATE NIGHT Glass doors open WIDE to a terrace which overlooks Kowloon, the harbor, Hong Kong Island beyond. More lights than stars in heaven. And speaking of heaven... ...the SOUNDS of lovemaking are fierce, feral, an urgent rhythm, part comic, part wondrous, and mostly, arousing enough to make us PAN TO... ...lovemaking in silhouette. This is the lovemaking of tigers, mesmerizing to watch, ferocious enough to inspire envy, and somehow... ...tender enough. To suggest real love. LATER...Mac and Gin sit before the open terrace. There is wine and food and abandoned clothing all around them. She has her pack drawn near. And Qiu's leather pouch. She removes the goggles... This is the moment. GIN In the Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank Building. Is a room with two computers. One for you. And one for me. MAC Glad I have a function, here. GIN The room is a vault on the 14th floor. Access codes to that room are changed daily, computer pass- words on the hour, but... But. She is electric, more alive than he's ever seen her. GIN Four men in the world. Don't need codes. Their retinas will scan to unlock everything. One of these is China's Minister of Finance. She lifts the goggles... MAC And his retinal plate is in there. Yep. MAC Our trade for the great train robbery. All right, let's say we're in the door. Now what? From her pack, she pulls a slender black rectangle. Opens it to reveal a shiny metallic DISC. GIN Hong Kong has a huge portion of its holdings invested in foreign banks. In hundreds of separate accounts... Holds up the metallic disc. GIN This CD ROM is programmed to send, instantaneously, thousands of instruc- tions, with all necessary confirmation codes, to transfer reasonably modest sums out of those accounts.... MAC Modest. GIN Two or three million at a crack, in odd numbers. Total, eight billion. And change. MAC And you've set up a laundry. GIN Every wire transfer gets rocketed through a series of multiple switches, Austria, Uruguay, Antigua, The Channel Islands, the Caymans... MAC (quietly) Seychelles? GIN (beat) I left that out. MAC You're forgiven. GIN Thank you. As soon as each deposit lands somewhere, it's shot somewhere else, til the Mafia couldn't find it. MAC But those first instructions, transferring the 8 billion dollars. They're recorded in the main computer. She waggles the disc. GIN Nope. The CD instructs the computer to erase the real transactions. And replace them in its memory with an innocuous loan coded XJ6. Little homage to Limeyland, there. MAC Dearest. The accounts won't reconcile. She waggles the disc. Again. GIN Wrong. The CD instructs the computer to over-report all account totals forever, in the exact amounts we've lifted. So the Chinese think the money's still there. On this one. He has to smile. MAC The money. Is still. Missing. GIN Sure, the foreign banks know they sent out some money. But they think Hong Kong knows it, too. And since we're leaving plenty in every account... MAC The shit doesn't splatter. Until the first account runs dry. Exactly. GIN And then. Comes the really brilliant part of the whole thing! MAC I was hoping there'd be one. He settles back. Looks at her. GIN Admit it, so far you're blown away. Well... MAC It does sound like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. And his fingers reach out... MAC Pity it will be over. In 21 hours. Touch her hair. Her face. She swallows. A raw moment. A hoarse... GIN Bet you say that. To all the one-night-stands. But he's just staring in her eyes. The look pins her. She can't wriggle off. A murmured... MAC No, ma'am... He leans to her... MAC Only the best of them. They kiss. EXT. STATUE SQUARE - ROUND MIDNIGHT CLOSE on the British Petroleum billboard, where the countdown CLOCK says...JUNE 30, 1997, 11:41 P.M., 0 DAYS, 0 HOURS, 18 MINUTES, 51 SECONDS TO: REUNION WITH CHINA! The square is beyond BEDLAM. Times Square looks deserted New Year's Eve compared to this carnival CRUSH of humanity, rock and rolling as if reunion with China was the doorway to Paradise. Singing, chanting, screaming, dancing, music and booze everywhere, firecrackers exploding, soldiers and civilians, tycoons and hookers, tourists and peddlers and Party members and homeless, going absolutely nuts. Who knows. Could be the last party. Ever. WHIP PAN to the crowded plaza in front of the towering glass-and- steel headquarters of the HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK. ZOOM to focus on our smashing couple in evening wear, Gin with a large beaded shoulder bag. Mac presents an invitation to a PLA soldier, who admits them into... INT. PUBLIC LOBBY, HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK ...a VIP party going full blast in the lobby of this truly breathtaking structure. A central ATRIUM rises 47 floors, creating a soaring clear core, around which the offices and working spaces are ringed. The view straight up is interrupted only at three well-spaced levels, where thick CANOPIES of glass, stitched together with spidery skeletons of steel, SPAN the open core. Mac looks up... ...at the balcony railings surrounding the atrium, the revelers have been granted access to the lower five floors. Above these, all is empty. MAC Nice of the Colonel to provide an invitation... She is guiding him toward one of the multiple hors d'oeuvre stations. Half the celebrants seem to be armed PLA soldiers, many with rifles slung boldly across their shoulders. GIN Well, I promised him a bonus. Five million. Comes out of your share. MAC ...long as I don't have to have sex with him. Mac loads up on six hors d'oeuvres, piling them on a napkin, as she takes two flutes of champagne. They step away from the mob toward a potted plant near the wall, and Mac... ...drops his snacks with a SPLAT. Shit. Bending to clean the mess, he slips from his waistband a flat CIRCUIT BOARD with a bank logo and a three-pronged plug. In a single motion, he plugs it INTO a socket concealed by the pot, scoops up his canapes, and we CUT TO... INT. SURVEILLANCE ROOM Three SECURITY OFFICERS blink, as ALL FIFTY monitor screens go HAYWIRE at once. The images compressed to a blur of lines between a series of diagonal SLACK BARS that slash across the screens. The way your TV acts when the horizontal hold goes out. They can't believe it. Stumped, they start slamming buttons, flipping switches, jabbering to each other. Now the images begin to ROLL vertically, as if in response to their attempts at adjustment. Welcome to the world of high tech. INT. ELEVATOR BANK Mac and Gin wait with a party of older Brits, who've had plenty to drink and are carrying more. Two armed soldiers flank the elevators. A car arrives. As the Brits enter... MAC (politely) We'll take the next one. Waiting, calmly. Mac smiles at a soldier. MAC (subtitled Mandarin) What time tomorrow do the tanks roll in? The guy LAUGHS. An elevator arrives. Gin sipping champagne as they enter. The doors CLOSE. They are alone. The panel has floors 1 through 5 lit. The other numbers, 6-10 and 16-47, are dark. There are NO numbers 11-15. Mac pulls from his pocket a small flat DEVICE, not much thicker than a credit card, with a window and a series of LED lights on its face. He fits it into a SLOT beside a black glass PLATE on the elevator panel. Immediately, the LEDs scramble, all RED, numbers FLASH across the card's window, as the device begins to lock on the elevator code. In sequence, the LEDs turn GREEN, and... ...the glass plate LIGHTS, announcing in Kanji and English...ACCES GRANTED TO FLOORS 11, 12, 14, 15. Mac presses the lit number 14. The elevator RISES. He looks over at her. She is tight enough to snap. We can feel her heart racing from here. MAC So all that time, sitting at your computers. All the research, the access codes your job allowed you to steal, floor plans, schematics... setting up all your bank accounts... She looks irritated. He is smiling, gently. MAC Years of work, comes down to.... (checks his watch) ...six minutes. Don't be nervous. Easy come, easy go. She looks away. The elevator stops. MAC Your share prob'ly works out to, what? Dollar and a quarter an hour? Me laughs. The door opens. She is pissed off. GIN What's your point? MAC (very real) That I like you, Ginger. Now they're staring at each other. An open elevator door. An empty dim hallway. They see only each other. MAC The dedication, the skill, the guts... He holds out the crook of his arm. As a gentleman escorts a lady. MAC I'm going to see you get everything you deserve. Her eyes flicker on that. So he grins... MAC Woman. If you can't have fun, right now. You're in the wrong business. She looks in his eyes. Her body seems to relax, just a little. She takes his arm. INT. 14TH FLOOR CLOSE on a KEYPAD. Next to it, a mirrored PLATE with two APERTURES, set apart the distance of human eyes. Gin's goggled face DROPS into frame, reflected in the mirrored surface. She fits her eyes to the apertures... GIN (whispers) Open. Sesame. A red scanning light APPEARS. Tracks vertically. BEEPS. Tracks horizontally. And from somewhere... ...a soft CLICK. PULL BACK now, to see... They stand at what seems the door to a BANK VAULT. Round, gigantic, heavy steel. Bolts eyerywhere. Mac reaches to GRASP the handle, and... CLANG. The door swings OPEN. They stare at the inner sanctum... ...a windowless ROOM. Dim, eerie fluorescence. A blast of white noise from the elaborate air-cooling system. Two large MAINFRAME COMPUTERS face each other from opposite walls, desks and work stations with PC monitors filling the space between. As Mac closes the vault door behind them... ...Gin goes quickly to the smaller mainframe. Pulls the high- resolution monitor around on its adjustable arm. The screensaver displays Guernsey cows swimming among tropical fish. She hits a key. The screen saver replaced by, WELCOME. AUTHORIZATION MODE PLEASE. Two boxes for PASSWORD and SCAN. She hits SCAN. A plastic shield RISES, revealing... ...the mirrored PLATE, the tiny APERTURES. Gin leans to fit her goggled eyes in place. The red scanning light. Vertical track. BEEP. Horizontal track. And the monitor announces...WELCOME MINISTER FEIHONG. Gin takes off the goggles, and... ...THROWS them across the room to Mac at the larger mainframe. As he repeats the scanning process, Gin is loading the precious CD-ROM into her mainframe's driver. Watches the screen... GIN Uploading. And you've got... two minutes, fifty seconds. WITH Mac now. Typing the words CONTROL PANEL. The screen now shows icons for time setting, and he clicks his mouse to create a CLOCK in the center of the screen, labeled LOCAL TIME, and reading 11:57:19, changing with each second that passes... MAC So let's see. Across town at the British Consulate... INTERCUT...frenzied activity in a large war room filled with computers, wall screens, every worker functioning at top speed... CONTINUE to hear Mac over this... MAC (V.O.) ...everyone is working frantically to complete transactions before they go off-line at midnight. CUT BACK to Mac in the vault. He clicks his mouse to create a clock at the LEFT of the screen, labeled BRITISH TERMINAL TIME. It is, of course, showing the same time as the local clock. MAC ...then, deep in the high-tech bowels of the Bank of China Building, just across the square... INTERCUT...an even larger war room, even better staffed and equipped. Everyone...doing...nothing. Staring at blank monitors and wall screens. MAC (V.O.) ...the Chinese are sitting on their thumbs, waiting to come on-line at midnight. CUT BACK to Mac in the vault. He clicks his mouse to create another clock at the RIGHT of the screen, labeled CHINA TERMINAL TIME. Shows the same time as the other clocks. 11:58:22. MAC I feel for these boys. Let's give them a breather, hmmn? CLICKS the mouse, and the BRITISH TERMINAL TIME begins FLASHING. MAC We'll let the Brits go off-line 4 seconds early. As the flashing clock reaches 11:58:30, and Mac HITS the key four times, advancing the British clock to 34 seconds, four seconds later than the others. MAC And we'll give our new Chinese overlords 4 extra seconds of rest before they have to go on-line. As the local and Chinese clocks reach 40 seconds, Mac HITS the key four times, regressing the Chinese clock back to 36 seconds. We watch all three clocks, clicking down the last moments of British rule. The British clock is 4 seconds FAST, the Chinese clock 4 seconds SLOW. MAC Playing God here, Ginger. We've created 8 seconds that do not exist, anywhere but in this room. LOCAL TIME...11:59:00. One minute to midnight. MAC 8 seconds, where no one is on-line but your little CD-Rom. He turns around. Her eyes are waiting. Across the room. MAC And when, eventually, everyone discovers what transaction XJ6 was really about... GIN China will think it happened before midnight. Britain will swear it happened after midnight... MAC They'll each be positive. The other guy. Did it. Mac sighs. This is a sad thing. MAC Liable to be an ugly international incident. She squints across at his clock. GIN Britain off-line in 18 seconds. We're bulletproof. His smile returns. Bittersweet and real... MAC Baby girl. Nothing. Is bulletproof. Ever. The look holds. He turns back to his screen. She lingers on him for an instant. Then, back to the mainframe, finger poised above her ENTER key... MAC Britain goes bye-bye in 6... 5...4...3. INTERCUT...The British Consulate. All screens go DARK. A logo APPEARS of a POPPING Champagne BOTTLE, whose spray forms a Union Jack twined with a PRC flag, everyone SHOUTS, cheers or curses, and we SMASH CUT... BACK to Gin...striking ENTER, the screen flashing TRANSACTIONS XJ6 PROCESSING. GIN (softly) Jesus God, it's going through. MAC (watching his clocks) Hong Kong midnight, happy new year. Except at China Bank. GIN (to her screen) C'mon, c'mon... Her screen flashes TRANSACTIONS XJ6 COMPLETED, hear her SHRIEK of ecstasy, as we... INTERCUT...Bank of China where dark screens suddenly LIGHT with the same stupid PARTY LOGO. Only nobody cheers. They just get to work. BACK TO the vault... MAC Feel like a nightcap? But across the way, Gin is JAMMING a button. Again. Again. GIN The CD won't come out of the driver. Houston. We have a problem. MAC Relax, don't jam it... GIN (jamming it) FUCKING THING!! He crosses the room. She's rummaging on a nearby desk, finds a LETTER OPENER. MAC Don't panic, now, there's no rush... GIN We can't leave it IN THERE, it's got all our accounts, everything that can NAIL us to a goddam CROSS!! She's fitting the letter opener INTO the narrow slot above the lid of the driver. MAC Easy with that, there's no ru... WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Every SIREN in the skyscraper is SHRIEKING, lights are FLASHING CRIMSON, Gin's screen says SECURITY BREACH in a selection of languages. Gin just staring at it. GIN There's a rush. The sirens are EAR-SPLITTING. We know that elsewhere in this building, all hell must be breaking loose. Gin is YANKING Mac's arm out of the socket... GIN LET'S MOVE IT, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING F... MAC The disc. Is still in there. Yeh. She stares at it. Really scared. GIN We can't help it, we...we've gotta... He stares at her. In one motion, he SNATCHES a stapler from the desk and SMASHES the driver with all his strength. It pops open. Calmly, he plucks her CD from the tray. She mouths a barely audible... GIN What a guy. But just as she's about to bolt...he holds up one hand. Slips another CD from his pocket. We see the words KENNY G. MAC Was wondering where to leave this... Pops it IN the drive. SLAMS it shut. MAC (quietly) Time to go. INT. CORRIDOR Mac and Gin RUNNING full tilt through the siren BLARE, turning a corner to see ahead... ...the balcony railing, the building's empty central CORE. Mac BOLTS straight TOWARD it, Gin sprinting to follow, lungs pounding, they reach the railing, looking DOWN to see... Hysteria, unimaginable chaos. Soldiers, black-tie partygoers, SCRAMBLING in all directions, looking to his left Mac sees... ...the bank of ELEVATORS, soldiers POURING in, some cars already RISING, fourth floor, fifth. Now he looks directly BELOW, where... ...soldiers are POUNDING up the metal service staircase, the front rank almost at the third floor. In the lobby, some faces look up to see us, but no one is shooting. GIN They don't know we're the bad guys. He PLUNGES his hand into her shoulder bag... MAC Time they find out. Pulls OUT two PLASMA GRENADES, and FLINGS one toward the elevator cables three floors down and it... ...EXPLODES in a horrifying FIREBALL, causing PANDEMONIUM in the lobby below, the elevator cables BLOWN AWAY, cars PLUNGING, the yellow smoke momentarily screening us from the soldiers far below, and Mac HURLS the second grenade... ...STRAIGHT DOWN and the fireball WIPES OUT the staircase, a huge section of ninth floor landing RAINING down on the lobby. GIN Okay. How do we get down? MAC Down? I never liked down. Grabs her hand and they RACE to the staircase, as smoke BILLOWS everywhere below. UP they go, two stairs at a time, the lowest glass-and-spiderweb-steel CANOPY is three floors above us, the cacophany of SHOUTS below is like an amplified insane asylum. He is dragging her now, up, up, BULLETS are flying blind through the smoke, CHEWING up metal and glass all around us, up, up, and as the smoke at last clears, they have reached... ...the canopy floor. They can see the army down below. Clutching her hand, Mac leads her OVER the railing, ONTO the canopy itself, and together they RUN... ...straight ACROSS the heavy glass toward the far side of the building, like space-walking above the throng 150 feet below, BULLETS now TRACING their path from beneath, SLAMMING OFF the underside of the bulletproof canopy, Gin SHRIEKING with fright as they go. We see ahead... ...three EXECUTIVE ELEVATORS beginning to climb the far wall. These are glass-enclosed tubes, all filled with soldiers, the car in the lead already at the tenth floor. Mac keeps running straight TOWARD them. GIN (out of breath) WE'VE GOT ONE MORE GRENADE! MAC (not) SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY! They make it to the edge of the canopy, the lead elevator only two floors below them. We can see the soldiers through the glass. Mac GRASPS her hand, and as the car nears our level... MAC You can do this. They LEAP across five feet of open air to... ...LAND squarely on the car's metal roof, Mac WRAPPING his free arm AROUND the cable, and UP we go. The ant colony below us receding fast. Gin is hanging onto the cable, petrified. Mac is looking up toward the roof. GIN Okay, now what? MAC (absently) Shut up. You're on a 'need-to- know' basis. GIN Mac, I'm sorry. He looks at her. Just now, she seems more miserable than afraid. GIN Turns out, I'm a screw-up. He doesn't smile. Passing the third canopy. MAC Well. Something to be said for being self-aware. Looks back up. Forty-first floor. Six to go. MAC May I have the last grenade, dear. It's about to rain. She blinks. Huh? So he reaches into her bag, pulls out the grenade, and THROWS it... ...STRAIGHT up. The roof above them EXPLODES in a FIREBALL, and SHIELDS her body against the wall of their shaft, as a huge SECTION of roof comes RAINING down. We watch as it... ...CRASHES through the upper canopy, TONS of roof and glass PLUNGING to... ...BLAST through the middle canopy, everyone below SCRAMBLING for shelter, as the whole shebang... ...EXPLODES through the lowest canopy. Gin can only GAPE at the incredible display. Mouthing a silent WOW. They've passed the second canopy, thirty-sixth floor. Still climbing. The other two elevators maybe five floors below us. MAC You see, banking will be more democratic under China. She looks to him. MAC Well. No more glass ceiling. The elevator car has STOPPED. We are at the roof. The soldiers are in the car beneath our feet, nowhere to get out. Above our heads. ...the last few feet of elevator cable. And starry sky, where our patch of roof used to be. MAC How refreshing. The night air. He begins to shimmy up the few feet of cable. At the top, he reaches out with one hand toward the lip of the remaining roof, GRABS it, LUNGES with his free hand, and... ...DANGLING 47 floors, he pulls himself UP, swings ONTO the roof. Reaches back down. She is only twelve feet below him. Frozen with fear. GIN I can't do this. MAC You can. If I say so. She stares up at his eyes. He smiles. MAC If you stay. You'll have to pay for the damage... She looks down at the mess below. And starts to climb the cable. Not so easy in a ball gown, but the adrenaline is pumping. Gets to the top. Here's the hard part. One hand reaches out... ...GRABS his. She lets GO. And she is DANGLING in space. MAC Now that split. Did we say 60-40? And with all his strength, hauls her up onto... ...the roof. Two-thirds of it remain. At the far edge, a gigantic MAINTENANCE CRANE, itself two stories high. But between here and the crane... ...a HELICOPTER. Big and beautifUl and empty. She looks like she's seen God. Mac starts to jog toward it, she runs to follow but sees him go... ...straight PAST the chopper. GIN HEY! He turns back. She points to the copter. It's over here. MAC Got the keys? Oh. GIN I thought you could...hot-wire stuff? Guess not. MAC They fix those things so you can't steal them... And keeps walking. Toward the monster CRANE. MAC These, they're not so worried. Moving fast, he points off to his right. Her eyes follow a long CABLE, leading from the arm of the crane, across the roof, attaching by a huge HOOK to a massive WRECKING BALL. MAC Go grab that hook. He reaches the crane's cab. Turns back to see she hasn't moved. MAC Let me rephrase that. Run and grab that hook. Or die... Got it? She takes off running. He hops IN the cab. PUSHES the start button. It rumbles to life. Tests some levers... GIN (O.S.) SHIT! DON'T DO THAT! He turns to see that he's tightened the cable, pulling her ball six feet in the AIR. She clings to the hook with a true death grip. He lowers her ball to the roof. Getting the hang of it. MAC This only works if you shut your eyes. Which makes her eyes BUG OUT. GIN You're not gonna lower me over the side. MAC Of course not. Now close baby eyes... (she won't) Suit yourself. He THROWS a lever and the crane's arm begins to SWING in a circle, finally taking the ball WITH it, and as she SCREAMS, Mac... ...POUNCES out of the cab, RACING along the edge of the roof, NOT toward the ball which is sweeping the hysterical Gin in a widening ARC, but toward the point where he thinks the ball will clear the edge, and JUST as it does, he... ...LEAPS aboard, throwing one arm around the hook, the other around her, and they go... ...OVER the side, WHOOSHING DOWN in a gigantic, every-increasing LOOP, as the endless steel cable UNWINDS from its huge drum like a fishing reel hooked onto a killer whale. GIN OH NOOOOOOOOOO.... The ride no theme park could insure, SWOOPING out ACROSS the skyline, DROPPING like an anvil, as the cable UNSPOOLS hundreds of feet, nothing but NOTHING for miles below them, Gin grabbing a breath to SHRIEK her guts out, as the monstrous pendulum reaches its max, begins to slow toward that one nauseating motionless instant... MAC Let go NOW!! He YANKS her loose, and they drop... ...four feet. The ball SWINGS OFF lnto space to some unknown mayhem. Clutching Mac, Gin looks WAY down to the street, and realizes they are standing on... ...a rooftop. Quiet, safe. Alone. MAC Planning. She WHIPS around, GLARING death at his eyes. MAC And dumb luck. She COLLAPSES in his arms, every muscle trembling in spasm, sobbing... GIN God, I hate you. He holds her tenderly. Kisses the top of her head. MAC (softly) Good. I hate you, too. EXT. NATHAN ROAD - EARLY MORNING WITH Gin in a soft brunette wig, walking briskly, light carry-all across her shoulder. Very early, even the busiest street in the world is less than that at this hour. Up ahead... ...Tsimshatsui Station, a tall man with a tourist shopping bag, leaning casually against a pole. Talking into a cellular. As she approaches, Mac doesn't seem to notice, but she can now hear his conversation... MAC (into phone) ...if I can't have my usual suite, I'll take my business to the Bristol, simple as that. He sees her now. Smiles small. MAC (into phone) ...why indeed should I be more loyal to you than you've been to me? Think it over. SNAPS the phone shut. MAC You ran your calls. She did. She is frankly exhilarated. GIN All the transactions, all the transfers. It's a miracle. MAC Why? The CD erased the trans- actions, all accounts seem in order. It looks like the thieves were stopped in time. She sighs. It is a miracle. GIN The Colonel says police have nothing. A man in black-tie, a blonde in a gown. The elevator guards saw faces, but no mug shots to ID. I think it's over. Mac's smile. Bittersweet affection. MAC Except it never is, really. Quite. Over. She smiles. It is easy, but dazzling. Atypically soft. GIN Well, one hopes not. The Bristol, huh? In...Paris? Ah. MAC You're not going back to Mr. Cruz, and the nine-to-five? GIN Not hardly. I've arranged to be killed in a car crash. On Taipei. Amazing how little it costs. MAC Well. You want to watch those pennies. She takes a breath. Scared, in an excited way... GIN I could arrange for two. In that crash. His smile back. He looks at his watch. Takes her hand. Leads her to the subway steps. MAC You know, for a bitch. You can be awfully sweet. GIN Woman of mystery. What do you say? I like the Bristol, just fine. mean, it's not the Ritz... MAC You know, all night I've been wrestling with something... GIN Not the most flattering way to put it. He takes his big tourist shopping bag. Puts it in her hand. MAC I've changed your travel plans. They are descending now. Into the vast underground train station. GIN Mine. MAC Instead of taking the subway to the airport, you change at Jordan Station for Kowloon Tong. Got that? Got that? MAC Jordan is only 90 seconds up the line. Like a wire transfer, you're gone. Vanished. He holds up a silencing finger. Listen to me. MAC In this bag are passports, tickets, papers. An amber wig, a good one. A dress you can slip on in five seconds. Her eyes moving over his face. What is this? MAC You're on a tight connection to the Trans-Siberian Express, be in Europe in a week. GIN Mac, wh... MAC Shhh. You always talk too much. They're at the booth. He pays their fare. Through the turnstiles, now. MAC Time has come to return the favor. One last time. Smiles at her. As they enter a tunnel. MAC Tell you. What business. I'm actually in. And in an instant of blind panicked clarity. She gets the whole thing. GIN (hushed) My God. You're a cop. MAC (very softly) That's my girl. Keep walking. People are everywhere. But they are alone in the world. MAC See, my profession was cover, too. A notorious thief has access to colleagues, their plans... He sighs. MAC I've turned in...well, couple hundred. over forty years. Scotland Yard, Interpol, FBI... Looking around the tunnel. MAC Thought I might retire. After you. GIN And all the...microchips, the diamond machine... MAC Well, the chips were returned. The machine was just a box, did you actually think it was real? Glances at her. GIN I thought...everything was real. Stupid girl. End of the tunnel in sight now. It leads to a massive, endless quai. Trains in transit. GIN Those were your jobs, so I could have claimed entrapment. You had to wait. For mine. Nearly there. He says nothing. Looks pretty grim. GIN The Oracle Bone... MAC Well, the State Department liked that one. They have more fish to fry with Beijing than Taiwan. He sighs. MAC So they're taking credit for letting it go through. Tho I'm afraid your Colonel may be in for a career disappointment. She stops walking. She has to know... GIN And the 5 billion. Ah. That. MAC I haven't told them. Gently, takes her arm. Leads her onto the endless train platform. Walking slower now. MAC I said you hadn't revealed the job. That it wouldn't take place until after the changeover. Down the platform they stroll. As her eyes wander... MAC Don't look, they're there. Her breath catches. Her eyes go down. GIN And my tickets. In the shopping bag? MAC Well. Kept my options open. If I give you up, they don't matter, do they? Her heart pounding through her chest. GIN If. MAC Had lots of crazy thoughts. One was retirement. With four billion dollars. After all, I know some places where life could be private... GIN But you couldn't do that, huh? They've stopped. Just two travellers in a strange land. waiting for a train. GIN Otherwise. They wouldn't be here. He nods. Smiling pleasantly. MAC Creature of habit. I suppose. We feel her adrenaline racing. GIN Lots. Of thoughts, you s... MAC Keep smiling. They won't move, until I raise my left arm. And so she smiles. As prettily as she can manage. MAC I thought. Well, I've got the CD. I could contact the banks, reverse all the transactions... A train is COMING. We HEAR it. MAC ...except maybe. Leave you with... oh, a hundred million, say. To tide you over. SEE the train. Slowing. Pulling in. MAC Then, I thought, nah. Not my style. With a SHRIEK of metal. The train PULLS toward us. MAC I figured. What the hell? What the hell? MAC Let her keep the lot. The train STOPS. The doors OPEN. People come out, people go in. Pouring around them. They are alone again. The subway doors stand open. Two feet away. She looks at them... MAC No rush. The doors won't close for 60 seconds. Sixty seconds. And still smiling... MAC There's a pistol in the bag. Reach in slowly. Take it out fast. Point it at my temple. She freezes to stone. MAC You can do it. If I say you can. And she...DOES IT. A blinding MOVE, the gun straight at his head, Mac miming fear, raising his hands to chill the agents we... WHIP PAN to see. Half a dozen, everywhere, but none too close. They REACT, pull their weapons, but it's a stand-off. BACK TO... Two people. Alone in the universe. MAC Step onto the car, keep the pistol trained on my face. She hesitates. Does as he says. Passengers are screaming, cringing, bolting for other cars. Our world is FROZEN. His hands raised... MAC Seems I was wrong. Gentle smile. MAC Entrapment. Is what robbers. Do to cops, huh? Her eyes are flooding. The gun is trembling. MAC Twenty seconds. Shoot me in the shoulder, it'll slow them down. Her pistol is shaking like she has palsy. Tears are on her cheeks. GIN Oughta shoot you in the face. MAC Come on, you can do it, if I sa... GIN No way. Not anymore. She sobs. She can't stand this. MAC Ten seconds, hold on. GIN When do I see you? There is no answer. There are no words. The doors HISS SHUT. She stares, training her pistol on him through the glass, his hands reaching back to hold off the agents, and the train... PULLS away. An instant to pick up speed, and it ROARS into a tunnel. Gone. Mac stands motionless as ALL HELL breaks loose around him, AGENTS rushing to his side, Mac shaking his head, calmly... Still staring after the train. MAC Airport. Changing at Mongkok Station, we can cut her off. Walkie-talkies WHIP out. These guys are the same the world over. We begin to CRANE UP... MAC She might lose the wig, be looking brunette or blonde, navy pants suit... AGENT I think Yaumatei changes for the airport, and it's closer. Keep PULLING UP, an AERIAL VIEW now, too high to see their faces... MAC (O.S.) I think you're wrong, but cover it. You got maybe four minutes. HIGHER still, the mob below an ant colony... MAC (O.S., calmly) No problem. She's trapped. But as the crowd parts. We can make out one lone man... Staring after. What has gone. FADE TO BLACK. ROLL END CREDITS.ENTRAPMENT Ronald Bass First Draft Screenplay December 2, 1996 Story by: Ronald Bass and Michael Herzberg EXT. HANCOCK TOWER, CHICAGO - LATE NIGHT Lake Shore Drive. Four o'clock in the morning. Minimal traffic, minimal life. As MAIN TITLES BEGIN, we PAN UP the face of... ...Hancock Tower. Up, up, forty floors, sixty, eighty, very dark up here, street sounds fading fast, and as CREDITS CONTINUE we can just make out... ...a dark FIGURE. Like a spider. Inching its way up the steel surface of the 98th floor, and we CLOSE to see... The THIEF. All in black, nearly invisible, with a sleek visored helmet that conceals the face. Two long, oblong backpacks, climb- ing ropes and harness across back and shoulders, tools at the belt. Moving STRAIGHT UP the face of the skyscraper. How is it possible? CLOSER still to see... ...the piton-like BOLTS are electromagnetic, CLANKING to the steel to support weight. A button releases the magnetic charge when the bolt is pulled up by cords to a higher position. The Thief is remarkably strong and agile, scaling the wall with fluid precision, until... ...our summit. A softly-lit, glass-walled PENTHOUSE on the 100th floor. Subtle spots which bathe paintings, sculptures, in a cavernous coldly-decorated space. Swiftly, deftly, the Thief rigs a suction-mounted HARNESS to the steel casing above a massive window. Pulleys, metal caribiner clips, yellow Kevlar ropes. So superbly practiced, the rigging is placed in seconds, huge SUCTION CUPS pressed to the surface of the glass. The Thief reaches to a metal rectangle at the top of the rigging, touches a button, a motor WHINES, the ropes TIGHTEN and the window... ...POPS FREE, hangs SUSPENDED by the Kevlar ropes which amazingly sustain its awesome weight. The huge pane shudders in the wind, and the Thief slips... ...INTO the Penthouse. Nearby, an ALARM BOX softly BEEPS its 60-second warning to the pulsing of a green light, and the Thief attaches a small computerized DEVICE which runs a series of possible CODES at dazzling speed on its display panel, until... ...the right one STOPS. Illuminated in red. The beeping, the green light, go OFF. The device is removed. Back to the window, air rushing in, attach a similar suction- mounted harness from the inside, all exquisitely engineered to rig in seconds, press new suction cups to the inside of the dangling window pane. A small remote control clicker... ...RELEASES the outside suction cups. The window's weight now supported by the interior rigging. The outside equipment pulled INTO the apartment in a single tug. The WHINE of a motor, and the pane pulls UP, the Thief expertly POPPING it into place. No trace of entry. Rapidly folding the rigging into an astonishingly compact bundle, the Thief SCANS... ...the profusion of priceless art. The paintings run to Otto Dix, Franz Marc, Marcel Duchamp. One statue an obvious Rodin. The soft lighting makes walls seem invisible, everything with an infinity perspective in mind. An obsidian slab dining table that seems to end at the horizon. The Thief has packed the rigging away, taken out a large cylin- drical TUBE bearing a label we can't read. Knows the way, quickly through the spectacular apartment, past oils by early German expressionists, Russian futurists, a Rothko, a Kandinsky, a Francis Bacon. The Thief has no interest in these, and as CREDITS CONTINUE, we enter... ...a powder room. A lime-green poured concrete sink, a copper- plated commode, and across from these... ...a single PAINTING. Unlike the others, clearly an Old Master. A 17th century city on the water, churches, spires, an ancient bridge. The Thief wastes no time, unceremoniously... ...CUTS the painting from its frame with sure, perfect strokes. Rolls it quickly in acid-free paper. Opens the cylindrical tube, pulling out... ...another CANVAS which we cannot see. Deftly unrolls this, fitting it carefully into the stolen painting's now-empty frame. Re-hangs it. Stares for a beat through the opaque helmet visor. Approves. Slips the rolled-up stolen canvas into the empty tube. Leaves. Before we follow, we shift angle to see the replacement canvas... A cheerful acrylic portrait. Bozo the Clown. WITH the Thief now, moving fast, into a panelled library. There is a CHUTE built into the wall, a brass lid with the words U.S. MAIL. The Thief pops the labeled tube DOWN the chute. Gone. Steps... ...onto a bookshelf, reaches up to punch out an overhead grating, and... Disappears into the vent. Reaching back to refit the grating seamlessly into place. INT. VENT Halogen flashlight leading the way, our Thief shimmies down the narrow space, arriving at... ...an open vertical AIR SHAFT, BLASTING air straight up the 100 floor height of the skyscraper, with frightening FORCE. Calmly, the Thief clips on a different harness, unzips a nylon cover from the backpack, and simply... LEAPS DOWN the air shaft, startling the shit out of us, as, for an instant... ...the force of the updraft seems to HOLD the Thief in place, suspended above 100 stories of nothingness. Then suddenly, the Thief... ...DROPS SHARPLY, an exhilarating moment of absolute FREE FALL, until a cord is tugged and... ...a nylon PARACHUTE OPENS with a pop. We watch the Thief drifting lazily down. A ride any kid would pay big money for... EXT. HANCOCK TOWER - LATE NIGHT Our original exterior VIEW of the skyscraper's penthouse. REVERSE ANGLE now to see in far distance... ...the dense forest of silhouetted OFFICE TOWERS of downtown Chicago against the night sky, and we ZOOM TOWARD them, covering miles in three seconds, to CLOSE on... ...the highest floor of the SEARS TOWER, and THROUGH an unlit window to see... ...a TELESCOPE. A silhouetted FIGURE looking through it. SNAP to... VIEW through the scope's lens. An amazingly CLOSE detail of the Hancock Tower Penthouse. The scope now PANS DOWN the length of the Tower, to... The street. The Thief climbing onto a battered old Lambretta. Calm as you please. And as the scooter glides off... We HEAR our unseen voyeur WALK AWAY from our telescope. A door OPENS somewhere, and as CREDITS CONCLUDE, it... Closes. Softly. INT. WEBBER ASSURANCE - DAY A basement corridor. Long, bare, dimly lit. Silent. We're in the bowels of somewhere. A startling CLANK, like a prison cell unlocking. A FIGURE enters the corridor, coming this way, on the hurried side of brisk. HECTOR CRUZ is 42, tanned, fit, graying hair swept back in a Pat Riley do. He wears Riley's Armani, too. Maybe this guy coaches. Heels ECHO until he reaches a plain door with discreet lettering... NO ADMITTANCE FOR ANY REASON. There is a dull silver rectangle below the words. He holds his hand up to it... Nothing happens. Shit. Dries his palm on his perfectly-creased slacks. One more time. CLICK. Enters... INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY An unexpectedly VAST semi-circular room, the entire inner circum- ference made up of a single continuous WALL SCREEN, separated into a seamless array of IMAGES... Three-dimensional rotating GRAPHICS of every room in the Hancock Tower Penthouse, SCHEMATICS of electrical, plumbing, and ventila- tion systems. See-through rotating multicolored models of every piece of security EQUIPMENT imaginable, components FLASHING as performance simulations are run. Rapid-fire sequences of indiv- idual human PROFILES, complete with photos and bio blurbs. Screens flickering with blizzards of DATA, hurtling past at warp speed. The Pentagon and CNN would kill for this room. The largest segment of screen, twenty feet square, runs a LIVE FEED from the crime scene. The living room of the Penthouse, crawling with slow-moving cops and technicians, doing their slow-moving thing. Surrounding this image are a dozen smaller screens, showing this and other rooms from a variety of camera angles. All live. We see the library, the mail chute. The powder room. Bozo. Cruz skips down three steps to floor level, nine separate CONTROL STATIONS, each outfitted with super-tech panels to process the avalanche of information. But today, all stations are empty. Except one. CRUZ Baker. You got it solved? And now we see her. From the rear. Slouched at her station. Looks like a skinny teenager in tousled tawny hair, rumpled oversized workshirt, vintage jeans. GIN (O.S., from the rear) Actually. Yeh. Not a kid's voice. Throaty. Music and whiskey and sex and effortless confidence. Even the voice turns us on. CRUZ (glances at his watch) What took you so long, Gin? I called 4:30 this morn... And stops. Because she turns with a look that would freeze anyone to stone. GIN I was with someone, all right? Now we really see her. Delicate bones and features, slender body, radiating the power of a natural heart-stopping beauty. GINGER BAKER is 32, ethereal and feral at once. Electric green eyes crackle with an intellect and a will that are not to be fucked with. CRUZ So? This is work. He is not kidding. Stainless steel beneath the dapper. They are a matched team. GIN Hector, I hardly know the guy. Why be impolite to strangers? And he smiles. Maybe she's lying. He likes her. CRUZ Look at those assholes... He means the cops on live feed. CRUZ If the Vermeer were lying on that table, they'd toss their doughnuts on it. GIN Yeh, well, they didn't insure it, so they don't have to solve this. To them it's a crime. To us it's 24 mil, less re-insurance, which is... CRUZ (grim) Only thirty percent, Gin. Ouch. Really? CRUZ Which is why you're on this. Soft and straight. You're the best. I need you. GIN He came in through the window. CRUZ That's not possib... GIN What's not possible is entry through the doors or the vents. That would have triggered instant alarm. CRUZ The windows are wired, too. GIN Only for trauma. They used smart glass, where the sensors respond to violation of the panel's integrity. He's listening. He always does with her. GIN I think he scaled the wall, popped the frame. In one piece. She sounds awfully positive. Then again, she always does. GIN Then, he only had to deal with heat and motion sensors. They were on 60-second delay, so the owner wouldn't trigger the alarm just be walking arou... CRUZ The pane weighs 200 pounds, the building's 1100 feet high. GIN This particular guy is the best. The best there ever was. Almost as if she knows who. Cruz shakes his head... CRUZ Popping the frame would trigger the alarm. She smiles. First time. Even at one-tenth power, it is dazzling light. She touches the panel before her... GIN (gently) I wrote a program and ran it, Dumbo. The live feed is replaced by a red-outlined rotating three- dimensional DIAGRAM of the living room. The alarm box glows green. One window pane glows lavender. She touches the panel, and the window SHATTERS, the alarm instantly emits a PIERCING SCREECH. Reset. As he watches. This time the window SLIDES AWAY into thin air. No sound. A stick figure appears, crawls through the opening, and the alarm begins the slow BEEP we heard last night. Cruz just stares. GIN Here's how I figured it out... Live feed replaces the diagram. Our camera ZOOMS toward a VASE of lilies by the window. All the flowers are tilted in one direction. Over the lip of the vase, away from the window. GIN No one arranges flowers like that. It was the draft from the window. He turns to her. CRUZ You said. This particular guy. Now she is beaming. Excited. And just above a whisper... GIN Andrew MacDougal. Delighted at his stupefied reaction. CRUZ Why not Houdini? Or Pretty Boy Floyd? Maybe Jesus Christ. GIN Because they couldn't do it. His slow smile. This fucking kid. CRUZ He's been out of the business. For ten years. GIN Maybe not. No one ever proved, hell, even arrested him, for stealing anything. But we all know he was numero ichiban for thirty years. Why not forty? She's serious. CRUZ Why? Because of the Bozo switch? Guys have been copying his pack- rat signature for decades. Maybe the thief wanted it to look like MacDougal. She doesn't even answer. Just touches her panel, and one of the data screens BLOWS UP to huge size. It is... GIN A list of his private collection. Complete to three acquisitions last Thursday. Names SCROLLING up endlessly, next to titles, descriptions, estimated retail and black market values. Turner, Corot, Thomas Coles, DeKooning, Klimt, Cezannes, Odilon Redon, Braques, Mary Cassatt... CRUZ No Vermeer. Nothing close. GIN Don't be a putz. This is his legitimate collection, which he buys. Presentable for any search warrant surprise party. Names keep rolling, Degas, Paul Klee. Amazing. GIN What he rips off, he fences. And the money feeds his portfolio of investments, which are daring, savvy, and obscenely succesf... CRUZ Oh, I get it. He has no interest in Vermeers, so that proves he stole one. By that logic, he oughta be a suspect most of the time. She shakes her head, sadly. GIN You love to embarrass yourself. Touches her panel. The big screen now shows a grainy VIDEOTAPE of... GIN The auction. Where our client bought the painting... We see the Great Room of an English Country estate. Perhaps a hundred attend. Genteel to the max. GIN (O.S.) Ashcroft Hall, Buckinghamshire, four weeks ago. The tape PANS five PAINTINGS on the block. We recognize our VERMEER, the city of Delft, the canal, the bridge. The view PULLS BACK to include the crowd, and... FREEZES. One tiny section is circled. And BLOWS UP twenty feet. high, so blurry as to be unrecognizable. Then, SNAPS to amazing resolution. The image of... GIN (O.S., murmur) Anyone we know? ...ANDREW MacDOUGAL, perhaps 60, as charismatic and shamelessly virile a face as one can recall. Etched with character and worldly experience, lit by a twinkle behind the razor-keen gaze. Tall, wide shoulders, massive hands. This guy would be more fun to fuck than fight. By a lot. CRUZ So he was there. GIN Staking it out. Why bid, when you can mark the buyer, and jack it within the month? She leans WAY back in the molded chair. Lifts her long legs up onto the console. They end in slender bare feet. The toes wriggle. GIN At this moment, he is winging on JAL flight 307 to Narita, ostensibly to attend a prestigious auction at the Hotel Akura, which will include a mixed media collage/oil by Georges Braques, on which he supposedly has his eye. CRUZ But you know better. GIN Bet your ass. At Vegas odds. Touches the panel. The big screen now holds three faces, three names. GIN (O.S.) Research reveals three known fences, still at large, who are believed to have brokered Vermeers to black market buyers. Sandrine Palmer is hospitalized in Malta with ovarian cancer. One face and name disappears. Two remain. KOICHI NARUHITO. HIROYUKI YAMAJI. GIN The other two. Live in Tokyo. A tiny, dry, adorable, shrug. Which says, bingo. CRUZ And you did all this since 4:30 this morning. Grinning small at each other. She can't help that hers is hot. She never can. CRUZ (murmur) Plus. You were polite to a stranger. One of those moments when his attraction to her is too obvious to ignore. Best to defuse by pretending it's a joke... GIN (soft and playful) Sounds like you're sorry you're already a friend. Said as banter between pals. Which doesn't make her wrong. INT. HOTEL OKURA, TOKYO - NIGHT Auction in progress in the huge traditional LOBBY, where bonsai trees, paper lanterns and elaborate painted screens counterpoint the sleek, international, big-money crowd. Everyone milling, drinking, schmoozing, networking in a babble of languages, as up on the raised platform... ...the AUCTIONEER has a new piece on the block, a 6th Century temple scroll, from the Asuka period. It is exquisite, and bidding seems to be big time, from the rapidly escalating numbers on the overhead DIGITAL DISPLAY, which reveals bidding status in thirty currencies simultaneously. As we PAN the hall, we see... ...all non-Asians either wearing headphones, or acompanied by personal translators at their elbow, to follow the rapid-fire auctioneer. Except one. ANDREW MacDOUGAL stands alone in black tie. Tall and rugged and polished and focused, and, well, pretty gorgeous. He is bidding on the scroll, indicated only by subtle gestures with his program and the repeated finger-stabs of the auctioneer in our direction. WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S., subtitled Japanese) Don't do it. PULL BACK slightly to reveal Gin, who has stepped to his shoulder. She is barely recognizable to us in her satiny slip of a pale golden gown that drapes her frame perfectly. Breathtaking would be an insult. MacDougal doesn't turn, doesn't seem to even hear her. Just raises his program to up the bid. GIN (softly, subtitled Japanese) You're already over value. By 15 percent. And now he turns. Straight to her eyes. This is NOT an admiring glance at seeing the loveliest woman in the Northern Hemisphere. It is a look that says, in the most understated terms, shut up or I'll kill you. She shuts up. His glance goes to his obvious bidding RIVAL, a rather butch middle-aged Chinese woman in an embroidered version of a Mao suit. She indicates her bid by gesturing with a tiny Yorkshire Terrier, whom she holds in her stubby hands. MacDougal raises back. GIN (subtitled Japanese) Will you stop being stubborn for one sec... And stops. Because he has turned. With the eyes of a lion. Being pulled from an antelope carcass. MAC (quietly, subtitled Japanese) I have a question. Rich Scottish voice. Impeccable Japanese intonation. GIN (brightly, subtitled Japanese) Who the fuck am I? MAC (subtitled Japanese) That is of no interest. Oh. In spite of herself, she looks a little hurt. GIN (subtitled Japanese) What, then? MAC (subtitled Japanese) Why. Are we speaking. Japanese? Her eyes move across his formidable face. GIN Uh. I'm showing off. His eyes scan the length of her gown. Her body. MAC Something of a habit? She is minus a comeback. MAC You know the alleged value of this piece from some fucking computer, which has no clue of the price I can turn the scroll around for in 30 minutes. A beat. GIN No, you can't. He blinks. No? GIN (really sorry) It's sold. His great head WHIPS around to see Madame Mao KISSING her pooch, flushed with victory. He stares for a long moment, a veneer of philosophical almost masking his rage. When he turns back... MAC Are you a confederate of my adversaries? Or are you just stupid. And walks. Away. HOLD on her. Feeling like both. EXT. HOTEL OKURA - NIGHT Mac among the guests awaiting their cars, standing slightly apart. From behind him... ...a feminine throat clears. Nervously. He closes his eyes for a beat. Then, turns. GIN (softly) How about. If I try humility. And presents a business card to him with both hands, Japanese- style. Mac looks in her eyes. Takes the card with both hands. Reads... MAC Virginia Romay... GIN Gin, actually, Gin Romay. I was named after a card game. MAC Or a cheap cocktail. She blinks. His brows raise... MAC (softly) As in. I'll have a Gin Romay, please. With a twist. That laser, unsmiling stare. Beyond sexy. She gets lost in it for a beat. GIN You're supposed to be charming. MAC I'm supposed to be selective. Glances back to her card. Reads... MAC Art and Antiquities Acquisition Advisor, how alliterative... Looks up. Still no smile. MAC And am I the antiquity? GIN In mint condition. She sighs. Achingly lovely. GIN Look, I've studied you, I know... pretty much...everything. Do you. GIN Made your first millions selling scrap metal. Then, gold mining concessions, gems, art, and lately strategic metals for new technologies - platinum, zirconium, titanium... MAC You said. Everything. Huh? Oh. GIN The cat burglar stories? Why would anyone...with so much to lose...take those kinds of risks? Guileless smile. GIN You'd have to be. Stupid. A held beat. His glance lifts beyond her shoulder. MAC Excuse me. And walks off toward a sleek custom TOURING CAR just pulling up. She goes after him. GIN I didn't know Porsche made things like this. MAC Well, they don't... Tipping the valet. Sliding in... MAC ...as a rule. Shutting the door. Through the open window, she hands something from her bag. A plastic rectangle which OPENS into a slide viewer. She presses the light ON. He looks at the slide. GIN Recognize that? No reaction. GIN My seller is in Shinjuku, we can go there tonight. She leans closer. GIN He wants 4.6 million. I can get it for three. He hands it back. Looks in her eyes. MAC No, you can't. And TAKES OFF. Her jaw drops slightly, but in one fluid motion... She's hailed a cab. INT. IMPERIAL HOTEL BAR - LATER Graceful, timeless room, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright in the '20s. Burnished. Elegant. Way cool. A place to drink, to deal, to dream. PAN down the polished surface of the bartop, til we come to... ...a tropical DRINK. Cute little umbrella, tilted back toward the room. ROTATE ANGLE to see... ...INSIDE the umbrella, something small, something mechanical. A woman's HAND ADJUSTS the point of the umbrella ever so slightly, and we PAN UP her arm to see... ...Gin. Still in her gown. She is reading, with half-glasses, and one of the bows curls around her ear, which we CLOSE on to hear... ...static. Gin adjusts the drink umbrella, which is a directional mike, and hears... MAC (O.S.) ...only it's not bloody football! SNAP to Mac's table, well across the room. Drinking giant beers with a large, really fat Japanese guy in a costly; if wrinkled, suit. The hulk listens with stone attention to Mac's rant, as if he actually gave a shit. MAC (O.S.) ...it's just that crap Americans call 'football', like you could call your ass a butterscotch scone and have it be one! The guy nods seriously. Maybe he's a Sumo dude. MAC Why you'd want to bring that foolishness to Japan, you're just pissing your investment down a bungee hole. SUMO GUY (major accent) You got Cubano this trip? That he does. Mac pulls out a leather cigar holder, and passes it over. Flat against one side is an ENVELOPE, which Sumo Guy PALMS skillfully, slipping it seamlessly INTO his pocket as he withdraws a small MATCH BOX. Takes out one long cigar, lights up... MAC Seriously, put the money into pharmaceuticals or prostitution, something stable. The big guy pushes the cigar holder and match box back toward Mac. Opening the box, Mac sees one match and a small MICROCHIP fastened to the cardboard. Lights up. Slides the match box in his pocket. MAC Garbage, perhaps. Or industrial plastics. ANGLE...Gin still engrossed in her reading. A figure leans down next to her. She startles, slightly. So surprised to see... MAC My favorite thing in life. Coincidence. She gives him the great smile. GIN I'm staying here, what's your excuse? And now he smiles. First time ever. A little chilling, the way he does it. MAC Staying here, as well. You are in room...? GIN (half a beat) One thirty-eight. In one motion, he flags the bartender... MAC Will you send a half-bottle of Chateau d'Yquem '67 to Room 138, please? And some berries and chocolates for the lady to enjoy it with. He presses some currency into the barkeep's hand. Turning back... MAC Actually, I was just across the room, dickering with a gentleman over the purchase of an interesting Spitzweg. Until I determined the painting was apparently stolen... Oh. She's shocked. He agrees... MAC Goes against my grain. The DeKooning in your slide, the 4.6 million you can get for 3. Can you get it for 2 and a half? She looks in his eyes. GIN Sure. And as if he believed her... MAC My checkbook is in my safe. You wait here. His smile evaporates. He is gone before she can say... GIN Okay. I'll wait here. INT. CAR, SHINJUKU DISTRICT - NIGHT Mac driving in silence. Gin stealing glances at him. Suddenly and smoothly, he reaches down, and picks up... GIN That's my purse. He opens it. One eye on the road, he begins to rummage... MAC Just want to see if I'm with the person you say you are. Can't be too caref... She SNATCHES the bag away from him, he GRABS it back, the car SWERVES LEFT, and... ...CRASHES VIOLENTLY into a parked pure white Bentley. Metal BUCKLES and TEARS, both ALARMS go OFF, a cacophony of horrific NOISE. MAC (quietly) Oh, dear. People come RUNNING, but our focus is drawn to the refined elderly COUPLE who were just returning to their precious Bentley. Their WAILS and ANGUISH would be suitable if all their grandchildren had been crushed beneath Mac's wheels. Mac and Gin are OUT of the car. As he exits, Mac has palmed a small BLADE, and in a quick unseen motion, RIPPED a jagged tear in his left trouser leg. The old couple RUSH to Mac, SHRIEKING their rage and grief in Japanese, Gin is trying to calm them as bystanders gather, but Mac cuts through... MAC (subtitled Japanese) We'll go in there, and call the police. And HOBBLES off toward the nearest building, a block-square 30-story skyscraper bearing the name FUJITSU. The couple, the crowd, all race after the limping Mac... GIN Are you all right? No answer, he looks dark enough to rain. INTO the public lobby of the huge industrial complex. Two night GUARDS come hurrying from their desk, as the small mob POURS in. Mac in the lead, a commanding presence, tells the guards in a loud, clear voice... MAC (subtitled Japanese) I have damaged the car of these kind people. Please help them call the police... One guard leads the hysterical couple toward a phone. Mac pulls up his trouser leg, and Gin GASPS to see a bloody GASH. Mac drops the trouser back over the wound. Asks the remaining guard... MAC (subtitled Japanese) May I use a washroom, please. The guard nods absently, disoriented by the chaos. Mac hands his billfold to Gin... MAC These are my papers, passport, car registration. If the police arri... GIN You're going to need stitches, let me get you to a hospital. Soft words, genuine concern. And his eyes flicker. As if somehow seeing her for the first time. A small spark, but she feels it. Softer still... GIN Really, this can all wait. I'll handle it. The look holds. MAC That's actually. Very sweet. His first real smile. It was worth waiting for. MAC (to a guard, subtitled Japanese) Might you have a First Aid kit, of some kind? INT. TOILET STALL We are inside an empty, closed, Japanese-style toilet stall. Porcelain foot rests. A hole. The door BURSTS OPEN, and... ...Mac enters FAST with the First Aid kit, locking the door, hitting the STOPWATCH on his wrist, which begins counting at ZERO. He pulls UP his trouser leg, revealing the bloody gash, and simply... ...RIPS the entire wound OFF, the rubbery prosthetic wound DANGLES, dripping its phony blood. Mac pulls gauze strips from the kit, SOAKS them in bogus gore, expertly WRAPS his leg, then FLUSHES the prosthetic DOWN the hole. He pulls off the FUJITSU VISITOR badge clipped to his lapel, and from a Ziploc bag slides a small sheet of plastic, which he PRESSES to the face of the badge, fitting perfectly, turning the badge into... ...an EMPLOYEE I.D., the name KAWAKUBO, M., the PHOTO of a surly Japanese male. Quickly, Mac takes out the MATCH BOX from the hotel bar, and with a fine tweezers gently removes the MICROCHIP, placing it INSIDE the badge, activating it with a soft BEEP-BEEP. He reaches now... ...behind his back, up UNDER his tux jacket, and RIPS FREE a tightly-compressed PACK of what seems white paper or cloth. He SNAPS it loose, revealing it to be... ...a baggy CLEAN SUIT, not unlike hospital scrubs and falling to the floor... ...a white HOOD. With opaque tinted VISOR. INT. SECURITY CORRIDOR Mac in his clean suit and opaque-visored hood at an elevator marked CLEARED PERSONNEL ONLY in English and Kanji (Japanese characters). He holds his badge to the SCANNER, the door PINGS and slides OPEN.. INT. PREP ROOM ENTRANCE, 29TH FLOOR Mac emerging from his elevator at the entrance to an AIR-LOCK with sign CLEAN ROOM - CLASS 10. Holds his badge to the SCANNER, the air-lock door lights FLASH froin red to yellow to green. He enters... ...the PREP ROOM. Recorded VOICES purr safety instructions in Japanese, while Mac stands, being bombarded by air shower, chemical sprayer, blinding UV light. The next air-lock OPENS. He enters... INT. CLEAN ROOM ...a long ASSEMBLY LINE, where ROBOT ARMS work on a stream of black SILICON WAFERS, which pass along a clear Lexan CONVEYOR BELT. The wafers move through various airtight CHAMBERS, exposing them to multi-colored gasses, cyan, sodium yellow, magenta, etc., as part of the microchip manufacturing process. More than a dozen TECHNICIANS in their hooded clean suits watch over every phase of the work, attached to the walls by grounding wires and air hoses, which create a deafening NOISE. Mac simply hooks himself up, and saunters straight THROUGH the area, toward the place where the conveyor belt with its newly-processed MICROCHIPS... ...DISAPPEARS through the wall. Nearby, a HATCH is built into the same wall, and Mac calmly CLANKS it OPEN, squeezing through into... ...a dimly-lit MAINTENANCE BAY. Panels of switches, wires, fuses, fans, air cleaners. Maximum claustrophobia, as Mac CLANGS the hatch SHUT behind him, looking instantly to... ...an OVERHEAD HATCH with letters in Kanji and English, DANGER ARGON GAS. Mac THROWS back his hood, YANKS out his mini oxygen pouch, fits the slender forked breathing tube into his nostrils, and slips on thick round infrared GOGGLES that make him look like a refugee from 12 MONKEYS. No time to lose... ...up THROUGH the overhead hatch, closing it behind him as he enters... ...the conveyer TUBE, a horizontal Lexan cylinder three feet in diameter, filled with billowing red gas. Mac stretches out on his belly, glancing up to where the clear conveyor belt, with its precious cargo of microchips, runs along just above his head in eerie red light. He begins to... ...shimmy, crawl, squirm along the length of the tube. Gas too thick to see the end. He is agile as a commando, hauling ass, when suddenly... ...the floor beneath his tube FALLS AWAY, and he is crawling in space 29 stories above Tokyo, as his tube spans the distance between manufacturing and shipping structures. He goes faster, HARDER... INT. MICROCHIP VAULT A black chamber. We can scarcely make out the endless rows of shelving, the air purifying equipment, the conveyor belt entering through its air lock, as machinery folds each priceless microchip in foil wrappers, stacks them on shelves. Through the gasket... ...Mac TUMBLES into view, swinging himself neatly DOWN to the floor, and in a single motion, he is already FLASHING a neon-green pen light along the shelves of microchips. We see now the wrappers are different colors, with different Kanji characters, and Mac is definitely looking for something special, until... ...he's found it. A single row, 35 chips, nothing special from here, but Mac... ...WHIPS out something coiled, SNAPS it to full length, revealing a strip of shiny black SATIN CLOTH. Three feet long, little more than an inch wide. Carefully, Mac lays the strip down directly OVER the row of microchips. And when he lifts it UP again... ...the chips have ADHERED to the underside of the cloth. In one deft SNAP of his wrist, he COILS the cloth again, like a yo-yo. Turns to leave, and... Oh, yeh. Tosses a small SACK of something where the chips used to be. TIM'S CASCADE BRAND POTATO CHIPS. SEA SALT AND VINEGAR FLAVOR. INT. CLEAN ROOM Mac exiting from the maintenance hatch back into the Clean Room. No one sees, no one cares. Hooking up once again, he ambles toward a door clearly marked EXIT ONLY TO EMPLOYEE LOUNGE - RETURN ONLY THROUGH SECURITY AREA. By the door is an employee notice tacked to the wall. He pretends to scan it. A stack of flyers. He takes one. Exiting into... INT. EMPLOYEE LOUNGE Past a changing area, vending machines, guys bullshitting. Mac just strolling along, reading his flyer, as... A hand. Touches his shoulder VOICE (subtitled Japanese) Excuse me. Mac turns, stares through his opaque VISOR at a well-built SECURITY OFFICER. Dead straight eyes. OFFICER (subtitled Japanese) The company picnic. Saturday or Sunday? His eyes cut to the flyer Mac is 'reading'. Mac hands it to him, and without a trace of Scottish accent... MAC (subtitled Japanese) Better eat first. INT. GUEST LOBBY Gin is up to her ears in grief. There are no less than five COPS grilling her, taking notes, while the old couple has their second wind and are SHRIEKING in top form. The bystander gallery has grown to maybe three dozen, and they're all getting their word in. As Gin struggles to cope... ...she keeps looking at the clock. Darting glances toward the corridor. She is freaking out. Finally. She can't stand it. Hands Mac's billfold to one of the cops, pushes her way through the mob, and... ...TAKES OFF down the corridor, a security guard in belated pursuit, we go... ...WITH her DOWN the hallway, WHEEL around a corner, flat-out SPRINTING, SKIDS to a stop at the right doorway and BURSTS INTO... INT. MEN'S ROOM An empty washroom. She listens. Nothing. GIN Mr. MacDougal? Sir? No sound. Uh-oh. GIN Uh. Mr. Ma... MAC (O.S., from the stall) Just 'Mac'. And whatever became of a gentleman's privacy? The security guard BARGES IN. MAC (O.S.) My God, more females? The guard starts railing at Gin a mile a minute. She calmly takes a WAD of bills from her purse. Hands them to the guy... GIN (subtitled Japanese) Stand outside. That door. Two minutes... He does. Alone again. GIN I was worried, it's been twenty... MAC (O.S.) Eighteen, actually. The leg is fine, but I got sort of...woozy. GIN Woozy. MAC (O.S.) Lost my stomach once or twice. CUT INSIDE the stall. He is just re-taping the folded clean suit and hood to the small of his back. MAC I'm an old man. You probably noticed. Awkward silence. He smiles at that, much amused. Slips on his jacket. MAC You should see me without my teeth. UNLOCKS the door. Remembers... MAC Ah. Mustn't forget to zip up. That's not what he forgot. He pulls OUT the coiled black satin cloth strip, SNAPS it free, microchips snug to the underside. And fits it neatly... ...DOWN his trouser leg. The perfect tuxedo stripe. OUT the door. To meet her gaze. MAC Odd place, this. He goes to her. Offers his arm. MAC What do you suppose they make here? Video recorders? She takes it, wrapping both hers through. GIN Microchips, I think, for computers. He opens the door. Ushers her through... MAC Bad investment. The best ones are here today... Follows her out... MAC (O.S.) Gone tomor... Closed door. Quiet. INT. CAB, NIHONBASHI DISTRICT - NIGHT They sit together in the rear of the taxi, as it makes its way through late night traffic. She is looking around. GIN This isn't the way to my sel... MAC (quietly) I've changed my mind. Looking straight ahead. Contemplative. She stares at his profile... GIN Mind telling me why? MAC You can't get it for me at 2.5, can you? GIN Well, we can tr... MAC You were setting me up. The correct price is 2.8. You conspire with the seller to start at 4.6, so I'll be grateful when you 'bargain' him down to three. Close enough to fool some people. unfortunately... He sighs. Never looks at her. MAC I'm old. I know what everything is worth. She keeps staring. GIN So where are we g... MAC I am going to the airport. You are going on to the rest of your life. Which... He thinks. Admits... MAC ...should be interesting. Her turn to think. GIN You forgot your lugg... MAC The hotels deal with that. The things I need are always waiting at the next one. (afterthought) I don't carry. Baggage. Little twist on that. GIN Sensible. And you're off to...? MAC Oh, that's highly personal. He still stares straight ahead. The taxi pulls onto a freeway. Toward Narita Airport. Time running out. And in her dearest, most vulnerable, voice... GIN I did so hope to impress you. She puts the fingertips of her left hand. On his chest. A silence. No reaction. GIN (hopeful) I'm still hoping... And he smiles. Turns to her eyes. MAC Young lady. I am old enough to be your grandfather. She shakes her head. Uh-uh. GIN (soft) My father. Leans her mouth in for the kill. GIN (whisper) That's part of the rush. And softly. Fits her mouth to his. The green eyes close, as she tastes him. Nothing predatory in this kiss. It is tender, exquisite. A kiss of deep longing. Of true love. His arms slip around her. And in less than five seconds... TAXI DRIVER (O.S., racist accent) Still on fo' airport? Nobody. Says. Nothin'. INT. MAC'S SUITE - LATE NIGHT A small bottle. An ornate label. Chateau d'Yquem '67. Gin lifts it from the table, studies the label. She wears only a man's oversized t-shirt. Our rotating ANGLE reveals the empty bed, tangled sheets. Gin looks pretty rumpled herself. She lifts the bottle, two glasses, a plateful of chocolates and strawberries, and goes to the sliding glass door overlooking... ...the TERRACE. Mac sits on a futon at the balcony railing, overlooking downtown Tokyo. He wears a thin Japanese robe called a yukata, and is wrapped in half of a huge down COVERLET from the bed. The other half obviously waiting for... GIN Here. A reward. She curls down into the billowing coverlet, just against his body. Sets her things beside him. MAC A reward for what? GIN For not being old. After all. It is a lovely smile. He studies it for a beat. MAC You mean. Not as old as I look. She traces her finger along his cheek. GIN (a whisper) Yeh. And kisses him. It takes awhile. She seems to enjoy it. With him, it's harder to tell. When she pulls back... ...he picks up a chocolate. Tears it in half. Offers her the larger piece. GIN Do I deserve a reward? No answer. He puts the chocolate into her mouth. With great tenderness, he traces the line of her lower lip. As she swallows. GIN It's so hard to find good casual sex, anymore. I'm probably out of practice. But he just looks at her. MAC What's hard to find. Is someone you truly want to be with. And leans closer. Just above a whisper... MAC Even for awhile. He kisses her. Beautiful and deep, the way he does it. And when he pulls back, she is staring at him. As if at a loss for something to say. GIN It's lucky we stopped by my room, for the wine. She swallows. Because his gaze is unrelenting. As if not forgetting that she's changed the subject. GIN Otherwise, we'd never have found my bag was stolen. Until tomorrow. MAC Would that make it more stolen? She smiles. His face looks kind now, not formidable at all. Maybe she's wondering if she actually likes him. GIN They even got my prescriptions. MAC Something you need? There are all-night chemists... He does look concerned. And therefore sweet. She kisses his nose. GIN I take Prilosec. For stomach acid. And an inhaler. For asthma. She gets her old smile. The soft, wicked tease. GIN But since I didn't have to work all that hard tonight... He stares at her. Cocks a finger, like a gun, right between her eyes. Pantomimes pulling the trigger. GIN (softly) Ouch. I had that coming. She pivots, and snuggles her back comfortably into his chest. He wraps strong arms around her. Pulling her close. GIN Why would someone steal my luggage? Every guest in this place must have more than a wannabe art dealer. MAC Ah. Maybe the thief thought you had something valuable in there. Something in the tone. GIN Such as... MAC Well. Wannabe dealers make excellent fences. A flicker. In her eyes. And she cuddles back. As if enjoying the humor. GIN He thought I had a stolen painting. In my bag. MAC I'm joking, of course. Kisses the top of her head. MAC The Vermeer wouldn't fit. Her eyes widen. Just a little. GIN Excuse me? MAC Why, did you do something wrong? She turns all the way around. Their faces are inches apart. Each reading the other's eyes. GIN You said. Vermeer. MAC The most famous painting stolen this week. His turn. To kiss her nose. MAC If you don't keep up on your craft. You'll miss all the jokes. And lowers her gently onto her back. Still staring in her eyes, he winds her legs around him. Her mouth parts, but... ...he fills it with his own. This conversation. Is over. INT. MAC'S SUITE - MORNING VIEW of the empty terrace, the rumpled, twisted coverlet. Maybe they spent all night. HEAR the shower running full blast in a distant bathroom. PULL BACK to see... Gin, hair wet, wrapped in a plush hotel robe, rapidly and expertly going through dresser, night stand, closet, sofa cushions, every goddam thing in the room. She comes to... ...Mac's tux. The jacket, rifles the pockets, pats the lining. The pants now... ...something peculiar. The right leg has no stripe. Touches the cloth. Slightly sticky where the stripe should be. Odd. ANGLE...the bathroom. Shower running full BLAST. But there's no one in it. ANGLE...a storage closet. Mac crouching in the smallspace. We see the travel bag. The luggage tag, VIRGINIA ROMAY, a Darien, Connecticut address. The embossed initials VR. But there is something else in Mac's hand... ...a prescription bottle. Prilosec. And a name, GINGER BAKER. Chicago address. Mac puts the pills in the pocket of his robe... ...exits the closet. Locks the door. ANGLE...Mac ambling into the bedroom, toweling his hair with one hand. Holding his billfold in the other. Gin is starting a room service breakfast. Eggs, sausage, Belgian waffles. The girl can eat. MAC I'm so glad I didn't leave Tokyo. She looks up. Trademark dry grin... GIN I love a guy who knows how to sweet talk. He stands over her. Smiling. What he meant was... MAC There was a call. While you were sleeping. A call. MAC An art dealer I know. He has a Monet. Minor, but it is Giverny. He'll let me have it for 5.3 million. She stares at him. GIN (cautiously) We can maybe beat that. MAC (pulling plastic from his billfold) I agree. This is a bank debit card. It gives the bearer access to an account containing 4.6 and change. I dislike round numbers. And hand. the card to her. As her eyes move over it... MAC I'd like you to go down there, and pick up the painting. If that's all right. Without looking up... GIN Me. MAC If I'm there, he'll haggle. You just hand him the debit card, with that...luminous smile. And say, take it or leave it. Now her eyes come up. She says nothing. Hesitant. MAC Oh, dear. I thought you so wanted to make a good impression. GIN Thought I already did th... MAC And along with making an excellent impression. You will also make 2 percent of the purchase price. She blinks. MAC That's $92,000. And change.. For two hours work. The look holds. He goes to the desk. Lifts a cellular phone. TOSSES it to her. MAC Any problems. Just give me a ring. GIN Stolen painting is it? MAC Of course not. And on his way out the door... MAC If it was. I wouldn't pay more than three. EXT. WHARF, YOKOHAMA - DAY Gin climbing out of a taxi at a scruffy section of Yokohama's Bund. Sleazy shops, pachinko parlors, hostess bars, sidewalk noodle counters, all built along a tall rickety PIER nearly thirty feet above the pounding surf. The harbor is gigantic. Every type and size of vessel imaginable. Gin carries a long neoprene-covered tube with watertight seals and a lightweight bright orange foam cover. She looks at her slip of paper. Then across at the place...KENDO SOUVENIRS, a schlock kickback parlor, with a tourist bus parked out front. This can't be right. Pulls out the cellular phone. Dials. MAC'S RECORDED VOICE (O.S.) You have reached the voice-mail of AMD Investments. And, yes, you are at the right place. Fucking great. GIN (into phone, pissed) I like men with a sense of humor. This does not qualify. SNAPS the phone shut. Checks the slip again. Walks firmly across the street, through the mobs of tourists, and into... INT. KENDO SOUVENIRS - DAY The place is huge, ramshackle, loaded with every piece of tourist crap imaginable. The only paintings on display are renderings of big cats on black velvet. She winds her way through, to a counter at the back. One guy there... GIN (subtitled Japanese) May I please speak with Mr. Okati. OKATI You doin' it. The best we can say for the pudgy, balding fellow in the Hawaiian shirt and spectacularly baggy trousers, is that he does not seem to be the guy who is selling you a Monet. Even a minor one. GIN I think there's some mista... OKATI You from Mac? She stops. Jesus. The guy COUGHS horribly. GIN I'm from Mac. OKATI Lemme see card. She hesitates. OKATI Four million, six hundred thirteen thousand, five hundred? Wow. He slaps his hand on the table. Lay it down, toots. GIN You first. He shrugs. Lifts straight up, from beneath the counter... ...a brown paper-wrapped rectangle. Not much larger than two feet square. She can't even believe she's here, doing this. Gestures to him. Open it up! He obliges, COUGHING grossly all the while. Unwrapped, the painting does look like a Monet. From here. She stares at it. GIN Now bring me the real one. He doesn't blink. OKATI This as real as it gets, lady. And from within her pocket. The cellular RINGS. She takes it out. Puts it to her ear. MAC (O.S.) You got it? GIN (into phone) Is this an audition, a joke, or a rip-off? I'm staring at an obvious forgery, here. MAC (O.S.) Turn it over. This gives her pause. Then, cradling the phone against her shoulder, she does as she's told. To see... MAC (O.S.) Is there an envelope? Taped to the back? In a Ziploc bag? Sure is. GIN (into phone) Uh-huh. MAC (O.S.) Detach the bag. Read what's in it. Aloud. She does. Carefully unfolding several sheets of paper, maps... GIN (reading into phone) Shikoku Naru, a freighter, it says, Yokohama to Jakarta...dates, statistics...specs on some kind of machine, diag... MAC (O.S.) Papers back in the envelope, envelope back in the Ziploc, very quickly, without seeming to hurry... Her eyes are flickering questions, but she does as she's told, cradling the phone with her shoulder. MAC (O.S.) Now take the debit card from your purse, slipping the Ziploc into the purse as you do it, shielding the move from everyone in the room but Okati. And she does. More deftly than we could ever have imagined. Like a pro. MAC (O.S., quietly) Give him the card. A beat. GIN (into phone) Mac, the painting's a forg... MAC (O.S., even quieter) This is a test. Of whether you'll still be alive four minutes from now. Do you hear me? Her face freezes. In a pleasant smile. GIN (into phone) Yes, Mac, I do. MAC (0.5.) Now. Hand him the card, and tell him in Japanese to pretend he is checking it by phone. Tell him to take awhile, as if he's on hold. She turns the sweet plastic smile to Okati. Hands him the card... GIN (subtitled Japanese) Mac says, pretend you're checking this by phone, and take your ti... OKATI (subtitled Japanese) ...like I'm on hold, sure. And suddenly, his eyes are keen and quick, and he is no longer some schmuck in baggy pants. He takes the card, stares at it comically, picks up the phone. MAC (O.S.) While he's checking, look around the room casually, as if searching for the cheesy handbags... She begins to. MAC (O.S.) All the while laughing, as if you are chatting with someone you actually like. GIN (into phone) I'm not that good. But she is. And she laughs, as she strolls over to the cheesy handbags. MAC (O.S.) As you're looking around, do you notice any m... GIN (into phone) Three guys, two together, one alone. Cheap suits, not looking at me in a cop-casual way. MAC (O.S.) Call out cheerily to Okati, in English, 'Where's the toilet?' GIN (into phone) Can I say, 'little girl's room'? A beat. MAC (O.S.) Wing it. GIN (calls out, cheerily) WHERE'S THE CRAPPER? Okati, absorbed by his make-believe phone call, points around the back. MAC (O.S.) Get going. Now. GIN (into phone, as she saunters) Mac, the painting isn't... MAC (O.S.) You've got what we bought, are you out of their sight? She turns the corner. Filthy corridor. Restrooms at opposite ends. MAC (O.S.) Run into the men's toilet. I know you know how. A beat of uncertainty. She looks both ways. MAC (O.S., ominous) Are you running? And she DOES. SPRINTING down the garbage-strewn hallway, throws OPEN the men's room door, BURSTING IN on... ...a wispy OLD GUY taking a leak through a HOLE in the floor. GIN (subtitled Japanese) GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! The panicked little man STARTLES. Bolts OUT the door. MAC (O.S.) Jump. Jump? HEAR now, from the corridor, footfalls POUNDING. She looks down through the piss hole. The surf ROILS thirty feet below. GIN (into phone) It's too small. MAC (O.S.) The window, twit! Oh. She hops OVER the disgusting hole, boosts herself UP to the small window, footfalls racing CLOSER, HOISTS herself HALFWAY through, DROPPING the phone a scary 30 feet to the surf below, as behind her, the door... ...SLAMS OPEN and she FLIES OUT the window... GIN SHIIIIIIIIIIT... WITH her in SLO-MO, kicking and flailing and grasping her shoulder bag, and she... HITS the ocean like a ton of bricks. Disappears. Comes up, sputtering in the swirling water, as from out of the shadows of the pilings... ...an engine ROARS to life, the BLUR of a custom JETSKI, Mac reaching to scoop the startled girl OUT of the water, and they... ...BLAST OFF, as bullets RAIN helplessly after them. The AGENTS shouting into their cellulars, racing in frustration down the pier, which rapidly vanishes behind us, as... ...Gin hangs onto Mac for dear life. This baby is REALLY hauling. He wears an orange waterproof slicker with matching trousers. Shouts back, against the noise... MAC ARE YOU PISSED OFF? She thinks. Admits, shouting in his ear... GIN ACTUALLY. IT'S INCREDIBLY COOL! He is heading into deep water, a major shipping channel, points to one side, and she sees... ...a huge HARBOR PATROL vessel FIRE UP in near distance. The chase is ON. They speed toward the WAKE of a luxury liner, and as she realizes... GIN OH NOOOOOO... They SLAM INTO the wake HEAD ON, and are AIRBORNE for an amazing distance, JOLTING back to the surface, RACING toward... ...two gigantic FREIGHTERS which approach each other from opposite directions. The Harbor Patrol in hot pursuit, BLASTING its HORN... GIN WE'RE GONNA DIE, AREN'T WE? MAC JUST AS SOON AS I'M READY! As we near the outbound freighter, Mac CUTS his speed. Now the Harbor Patrol is really gaining. GIN FASTER, NOT SLOWER, YOU TWIT!! MAC HAVE TO GIVE THEM A SPORTING CHANCE... Cruising STRAIGHT TOWARD the part side of the outbound freighter, as the inbound freighter begins to pass it on the far side... MAC ...SOMETHING WE SCOTS LEARNED FROM THE BRITS! As the Harbor Patrol is nearly ON them, Mac VEERS suddenly AROUND the stern of the outbound freighter, the Harbor patrol WHEELING madly to pursue, only to find we are both CAREENING straight AT... ...the starboard side of the inbound freighter, Mac CUTS his wheel in an adroit nearly right-angle SWERVE, and hears the SCREAMS as the Harbor patrol... PLOWS INTO the freighter! Wasting no time, he ACCELERATES into maximum BURN, STREAKING toward the immensely crowded harbor and its thousand vessels. Gin can't help but look back at the impressive crash site, mouthing a silent WOW. Nearing the harbor, Mac CUTS speed completely, drifting between two huge ships and... ...vanishing from sight. EXT. SMALL CHANNEL - DAY The tiny Jetski cruises in a quiet channel, crowded with vessels of all sizes, tugs, fishing boats, pleasure craft, junks, sampans, all larger than we are. Gin clings close to Mac, although it is no necessary. More like romantic. She is still flushed with the rush. GIN I guess you're gonna explain all this, huh? But he says nothing. Pulls out a water-tight duffle. Hands it back to her, without looking. MAC Dry clothes, you'll need them. In five minutes. She takes the bag, confused. GIN I'm supposed to change? Here?? MAC I won't look. Gentleman's word of hon... GIN There are a million sailors! MAC I've seen you naked. Give the boys a thrill. He means it. MAC You probably won't be dating any of them, so what the hell. Gin looks around as they float through the maze of watercraft. No one seems to be paying much attention. What the hell. She unzips the bag, pulling out... GIN (astonished) These...these are mine! He never looks around. MAC Found 'em in your room. Perhaps the thief wasn't your size. She stares at the back of his head. wondering. He is stripping off his slickers. A neatly-tailored SUIT beneath. MAC We have a business appointment. In four minutes. Okay. She pulls her dress off OVER her head. GIN Business, huh? She ignores some nearby WHISTLES and SHOUTS. Begins drying herself with a fluffy towel from the bag. MAC (never turns) Time has come to tell you. What business. I'm actually in. Uh-oh. Paydirt. GIN Uh. Am I gonna like th... MAC (quietly) I'm a thief. She can scarcely believe he's admitting this. MAC And now that I've told you. I'll have to kill you. He chuckles a Scottish chuckle. Cold and warm, at once. MAC Or... She slips the dry dress OVER her head. MAC ...you can spend the most interesting three weeks of your life. Training. GIN Training for wha... MAC ...followed by the most exciting night of your life. After which, you can walk away with 20 million untraceable dollars... She blinks. He means this. MAC ...which will come in handy. Things being what they are. He shrugs. MAC From now on. You can valet park. She begins taking off her wet underwear, underneath the dress. We suspect unseen hordes crestfallen at her modesty. GIN And if I refuse? MAC (very quietly) Don't. Please. GIN I mean, you won't really kill me, I'm far too adorable. He looks around at her. As if deciding on that. MAC Last night, at Fujitsu, I did some business. While you thought I was in the toilet. Jesus. GIN What could you possibly steal in 18 min... MAC Thirty-five super-microchips. Each worth one million dollars. And change. Staring dead at her eyes. GIN You hate round num... MAC I stole your suitcase when I left you at the bar. I have since sent it on to the States, with three chips, well hidden. Are you following? MAC Since you aren't there to claim it, the bag will sit at Customs. Safe. Unless... No smile. No smile at all. MAC They receive. An anonymous. Tip. Holy. Fucking. Christ. GIN That's entrapment. MAC No, entrapment is what cops do to robbers. We can feel her heart pounding from here. MAC Blackmail. Is what robbers do to schmucks. And leans. To kiss her mouth. MAC (softly) Even adorable ones. They have glided up beside the gangway of a gigantic FREIGHTER. It is at water level, the steps they use for their tender. He points up to the name... MAC Pop quiz. SHIKOKU MARU. She nods, slowly. Pulls the Ziploc bag from her purse. Hands it over. He removes the sheets of paper. Begins to peruse them... MAC Admit it's a rush. The best day of your heretofore drab life. GIN Fuck you. He glances up. GIN ...accompanied by related foreplay. And gives him the smile. What a gal. He offers his hand. She rises, hops lightly to the steps of the gangway in her bare feet. He pulls dry shoes from the duffle. And as she slips them on... ...he FLIPS a switch, and the Jetski begins to FILL with water, Mac stepping to the gangway beside her. They watch... ...the Jetski rapidly SINK out of sight. No evidence. A thorough guy. INT. FREIGHTER HOLD - DAY Mac and Gin stand inside a gigantic CARGO BAY, watching massive CONTAINERS being loaded by crane from a dock, through the gaping HATCH. The chamber is a vaulted cathedral of steel, painted hospital green, and Mac's eye moves over all of it, seeming to inspect every plate, every pan head rivet. VOICE (O.S., British cheer) Hullo, there! They turn to see a round little man with watering eyes and a very wide necktie, skipping-down the iron steps. Bursting with a salesman's bonhomie, he extends a plump hand... MAN Nickerson Carlsby, Mr... MacDuff, yes? MAC Banquo MacDuff. This is my associate-fiancee, Ms. Duncan. The little man pauses. A tic in the well-oiled smile... CARLSBY That is...fiancee and assoc... GIN (cheery herself) I'm a hyphenate. Ah. Like that makes complete sense. Fingers the gardenia in his lapel... CARLSBY Well, it's a pleasure, in this alien place, to do business with a countryman. MAC I'm a Scot. It's a different country. Culturally and historically. I see. CARLSBY (looking around) Well. They've brought you to quite the wrong place, I see. MAC (looking around) Thank God. ANGLE...Carlsby leads the way along a narrow catwalk, which ends at a steel door. He presses his thumb to the I.D. panel, and speaks into the voice box... CARLSBY (confidential code-voice) In Penny Lane, the barber shaves another customer... The door CLANGS open. They go through it, as a gangway leads toward an open five-foot-thick VAULT DOOR, where two ARMED GUARDS rise from their seats. Carlsby ignores them as if they were furniture. THUMPS the door... CARLSBY Five feet thick with hidden rein- forcements, no way to drill through! GIN (authoritative) Impressive. CARLSBY Only the tip of our security iceberg. See these two Brinks locks...? They do. CARLSBY The Captain keeps one key. The other is continually forwarded: to the Chief of Security at next port. There is no way to enter during voyage. GIN I like this. Carisby glances to Mac. He is stone. CARLSBY The best armed guard, rotated every six hours. A redundancy, of course, but we would rather be safe three times over than merely two. GIN Sound mathematics. MAC (very quiet) What if there's a fire? In the chamber. Ah. Carlsby leads them through the open door, into... ...the maximum-security HOLD. Primo. The steel coated with sleek, matte, black all-grip paint. Tubby points up... CARLSBY Sprinklers. New design. Incredible power. The entire chamber is water- proof, fireproof, airtight. If the ship sinks, God forfend, your cargo is secure for salvage. No reaction. Mac does not look convinced. CARLSBY And your cargo is...? MAC Wine. Wine. MAC The bloody Japs bought up half the premium clarets in the universe. You may have heard. Actually. He has. MAC I'm in charge of shipping some 14,000 bottles, most quite rare, to a number of premium hotels in Hong Kong, Bangkok, Singapore, Phuket, and Penang. Carlsby gets the romance of it all. MAC All of which are destinations on your October voyage. Five months from now. However... And turns to the man. With laser, disapproving eyes. MAC Wine. Doesn't prefer. To be jostled. The man beams. Gestures to a series of PLATFORMS, each SWAYING at different heights, in different directions. CARLSBY Our 'delicate treasure' platforms, suspended on gimbals. Your cargo remains unruffled by roiling seas. Then, on arrival, is plucked... Pointing once more... CARLSBY By that forklift, and gently deposited on dock through the cargo hatch... ...a huge circular hatch cut into the hull. Mac's eyes stare blankly at it. A long beat. He pronounces it all... MAC Adequate. I suppose. And then turns once more. MAC Did we see...a bathing pool. On deck? CARLSBY Oh, yes, sir. The Shikoku Maru carries sixteen luxury suite pas- senger cabins. The finest cuisine. For valued clients who prefer to cruise in privacy. Mac. Thinks this over. MAC Mildly. Interesting. INT. PASSENGER DECK - DAY Carlsby ushering the couple along a plushly-appointed hallway. A secret oasis of refinement in the heart of the massive freighter. He opens a burnished door, into... ...an elegant SUITE. Cherrywood panels, spacious windows with views of the harbor. The finest furnishings. It is breathtaking. Even... MAC Adequate. I suppose. GIN But dearest, in five months, we'll be in Cape Town. Mac pulls from his pocket the folded sheets that had once been taped to the back of Okati's Monet. Peruses them casually. MAC Anything sooner? That goes perhaps from...say, Sri Lanka? To Jakarta. And looks up. To a man dumbstruck. By coincidence. CARLSBY Why, yes. In three weeks. INT. CESSNA - DAY Looking DOWN on California's San Joaquin Valley from 12,000 feet, as air RUSHES past our open door. MAC (O.S.) You seem depressed. PULL BACK to see them both in jumping suits. He's checking her gear. She's eyeing the expansive grid of fields below. GIN At your insistence, I'm leaping to my death, and I don't know why! He clips a tether from his harness to hers. MAC Because. You're a greedy girl. GIN I'm not jumping until you talk about this, it's been two days! She folds her arms across her chest. Rebellious. He smiles at her tenderly. Nods, okay. GIN Why are we going in three weeks, if the wine is on a different route months lat... MAC There is no wine. That just bought us a look at their security. She stares at him. GIN I knew that. MAC What we want is on the boat in three weeks. Now can we jump? GIN The machine in those diagrams. on the back of the painting. Maybe. He's still smiling. GIN What does it do, make gold? MAC We're nearing the targ... GIN Why won't you trust me? MAC How do I know who you are, hmmn? Stares in her eyes. MAC For all I know, your name isn't Virginia Romay. Maybe you're a cop. She stares back. Dead straight. GIN Why would a cop do all th... MAC (softly) Entrapment, remember? What cops do to robbers. GIN (just as softly) Oh. That. His smile is light, affectionate. Gently, he backs her to the edge of the doorway... MAC One...two... She THROWS her arms around his neck. Holds him close. GIN Mac, I'm afraid. Vulnerable and touchingly real. His arms slide around her. GIN Of you. MAC (a murmur) Smart girl. And JUMPS, Gin SHRIEKING in his arms, as we... FOLLOW them, TUMBLING in FREE FALL, until he releases her, and bot EXTEND their arms and legs, as if flying, as if gliding face down, her shriek CONTINUING. He floats at the end of their tether, a few feet above her. And at last... ...her SCREAMING STOPS. We see the pure adrenaline rush. Shouts back... GIN NEXT TIME, I'M ON TOP! EXT. HILLTOP, MARIN COUNTY - DAY Woods, rolling hills, a dirt path. Mac stands by a sign at a crossroads, names, arrows, STINSON BEACH, BOLINAS, MT. TAMALPAIS, MILL VALLEY. There is a phone booth nearby. He holds a stopwatch, looking down the path, as... ...Gin runs into view, steady stride, breathing hard, sheened with sweat. Approaching him, she slows to a stop. Hands on her knees, catching her wind. He CLICKS the watch. MAC Consistent. And rather impressive. She sends a nasty smile, thanks a bunch. But maybe she likes the compliment, after all. EXT. MAC'S CABIN, BOLINAS - NIGHT Rustic cabin in moonlight. Ringed by woods. Middle of nowhere, which is where Mac likes it. As we approach the lit window, we hear two oddly-matched sounds. splashing water. And the HISS of a violent POWER TOOL. We MOVE THROUGH the window, into... INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Two figures stand in the shower, spray SOAKING their shorts and tank tops. Gin is operating a sleek WELDER, trying to perform micro-surgery on a DARTBOARD which Mac waves in all directions at the end of a short pole. MAC All right, six and seven... She blinks the spray from her eyes, and deftly SEARS the wire dividing those two numbers on the board. As Mac keeps waving it, she goes off line. Concentrates. Gets it right. The wire PEELS away... MAC Three and four... EXT. CABIN - DAY CLOSE on Gin operating a small steamshovel with a loading attachment on the front. It is mounted with two 2 x 4's, set close together, protruding from the loader. She maneuvers the wooden prongs toward a pile of big rocks. But as she positions to scoop one up, her vehicle SWAYS WILDLY, and we PULL BACK to see it is... ...dangling from a CRANE, operated by Mac. Gin stays with it, concentrates, and on the next pass she glides her boards UNDER a huge rock, LIFTING it awkwardly. Ignoring the bumpy ride, she pivots, and deposits her prize in place atop what has become... ...a WALL of stones. GIN What the hell are we building? He gives this some reflection. MAC A chalet, I think. Or an outhouse. EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT Mac and Gin paddle KAYAKS, side by side. A full moon slams off the rolling surface of the sea. Light chop, enough to bob pretty strong once they stop paddling. His stopwatch GLOWS. He says only... MAC Forty seconds. And she FLIPS OVER, submerging her head and torso, and we go... ...WITH her underwater, upside-down in the kayak, she STRUGGLES to FREE a group of tools which are tethered to her wetsuit. Fumbling to BREAK the seal on a slender TUBE, which BURSTS, sending a GLOW of yellow-green LIGHT in all directions. She fits the flexible tube around her head like a headlamp, pulling out... ...a small ELECTRIC FAN with side HANDGRIPS of black metal. Buffeted by the current, Gin manages to flip a small switch on the housing of the fan, and... ...nothing happens. Again. Nothing. And again. SHIT! With a supreme effort, she tries to ROLL herself upright, but... ...can't quite make it. Blind PANIC now, blowing bubbles, FLAILING at the kayak, which suddenly... ROLLS upright, manipulated by Mac. She sputters and tries to THROW the tethered fan at him, but it snaps back and SLAMS her across the shoulder. She is furious. GIN Get your fucking equipment together, man, this is a professional operation!! EXT. WOODS - DAY Gin in a clearing, arms at her sides, a determined look. Mac is somewhere just behind us. MAC (O.S.) This time, when you raise your arm. Don't breathe. She nods, got it. Focused. suddenly, in the clearing before her, a HOSTAGE SILHOUETTE TARGET pops up, the outline of a terrorist shielding himself with a hostage, Gin's arm rising with a BLUR and... ...BLAMM, BLAMM, BLAMM!!! The paper terrorist is NAILED in the head. Two out of three. She lets out a thin stream of air. Proud of herself, but too cool to gloat. MAC Very, very nice. Had a tour with the Mosad, did you? She turns slowly. GIN Where does this fit in the game plan? His enigmatic, yet fond, smile. MAC Oh, it doesn't. But one never knows... A quiet wink. MAC You might need it with me. INT. CABIN - NIGHT CLOSE on Gin leaning back at a 45 degree angle. She is sweating. This is hard. HEAR a SLAM-THWOCK! And ANOTHER. PULL BACK to reveal... She is climbing UP the inside of the angled A-frame CEILING, using hand rods with powerful SUCTION cups, and similar suction devices on the balls of her feet. A human spider, inching up the wall with everything she's got. She SLAMS the next hand rod down, and it... ...slips. GIN Shit. ...as she TUMBLES eighteen feet to... DISAPPEAR in an ocean of STYROFOAM packing bubbles, which EXPLODE in all directions like popcorn in a nuclear accelerator. She has totally VANISHED. Buried alive. GIN (O.S.) DID I SAY SHIT? Mac is wading into the sea of plastic bits, DIGGING her body out with his bare hands. Once more, she comes up sputtering. GIN This one, I will not get! He's holding her in his arms. Leans close. MAC But you will, you'll get it all. You are actually... He kisses her. MAC Quite remarkable. Something in the way he looks at her. Her return gaze is naked. It looks like love. MAC Take the rest of the evening off. And kisses her again. Her eyes close. EXT. FRONT PORCH - MORNING Mac sits alone at a table, sipping coffee, reading Barron's. A short-wave radio is playing BBC World Service. Leaning against an open laptop, is... ...Mac's stopwatch. He glances up at it. What he sees makes him reach into a duffle at his feet, withdraw... ...a rectangular gun-metal gray DEVICE. Looks like a cross between a remote control clicker and a large cell phone. Turns it ON. The power display GLOWS green. EXT. HILLTOP - MORNING Gin running alone. Up the dirt path we've seen before. Ahead, the crossroads, the sign. The lonely phone booth. EXT. FRONT PORCH Mac tuning the device, which is an advance-design SCANNER. We HEAR overlapping CONVERSATIONS through bursts of STATIC... OVERLAPPING VOICES (O.S.) ...told you it's not a good time f...either, personally, I've never liked h...Giants' pitching, once ag...late, you want the Chronicle or don't y... INT. PHONE BOOTH Gin at the phone. Inserts her credit card. Catches her breath. EXT. FRONT PORCH Mac HEARS a phone RINGING over the scanner. Punches RECORD, PLUGS the scanner INTO his laptop. VOICE (O.S.) Webber Assurance. GIN (O.S.) This is oh-four-six-one. Hector Cruz, please, on a secure line. VOICE (O.S.) Please hold. Mac's laptop screen in printing. WEBBER ASSURANCE...HECTOR CRUZ... VOICE (O.S.) Go ahead, please. GIN (O.S.) Thank y... The line goes DEAD. So do Mac's eyes. Click the scanner OFF. INT. PHONE BOOTH Gin in her throaty, playful voice... GIN ...no way I'm telling you shit. CRUZ (O.S.) Baker, this is an extremely dangerous g... GIN ...right now, you're more dangerous than he is. A pause. Her voice is smiling. Not her eyes. CRUZ (O.S.) You want to explain th... GIN If I tell you what this is, and where this is, you'll send back-up, and those morons will blow my cover, and I'll be too dead to accept your apology. A longer beat. CRUZ (O.S.) You're fucking him, aren't you? GIN Right to the wall. Her eyes are stone cold. We've never seen her like this. She looks like Mac. CRUZ (O.S.) You're over your head, Baker. GIN Only romantically. I'll write to him in prison. She's pulling out a different piece of plastic. A drug store phone card. CRUZ (O.S.) Okay, it's your funeral. Next time I see you, I owe you a spanking. GIN Ooooo. Is that a promise? Her cold eyes through his chuckle. CRUZ (O.S.) While you're on secure, do you want a transfer? GIN Nope. I'm headed back to the hot tub. I'll call again, if I'm in the mood. And hangs up. Collects her thoughts. Inserts the phone card. Dials from memory. Fifteen digits. She must be calling Mars. At last... ...a man's VOICE. In a strange sing-song language. GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Is it over? SMASH CUT TO... EXT. TIENANMEN SQUARE, BEIJING - NIGHT Late night, mostly youngsters strolling the unfathomable vastness of the square. At what seems an immeasurable distance, the huge illuminated portrait of Mao zedong hangs from the Gate of Heavenly Peace. The scale of this place is unique in all the world. PAN to a nearby parked... ...Mercedes. COL. QIU of the People's Liberation Army, lounges at the wheel in full uniform. Talks into his cellular... QIU (subtitled Mandarin) ...it's not over yet, it hasn't even begun. He listens, winces. We can hear Gin's voice yelling at him in Mandarin, dishing out a major piece of her mind. QIU (subtitled Mandarin) ...after Midnight, when his meeting ends. In Zhongnanhai. He doesn't like her attitude. And there's plenty of it. QIU (subtitled Mandarin) The mask will be ready... A phalanx of TROOPS march past. The Colonel turns his face to shadow. Drops his voice... QIU (subtitled Mandarin) You fucking bring the bones. EXT. ZHONGNANKAI, BEIJING - LATE NIGHT The walled compound where the Politburo's elite work and live. From an open gateway... ...the MINISTER OF FINANCE appears, flanked by bodyguards in the drab green of PRC police. They step onto the street and turn into a narrow hutong. Down the alleyway comes a young man walking his bicycle through shadow. Nearing us, he raises his right hand, and... ...SHOOTS each bodyguard TWICE through the chest, DROPS the bike, LURCHES at the Minister with something cylindrical and gleaming, and... ...SPRAYS the cowering official's FACE with something that makes him SCREAM in pain, the assassin RUNNING down the hutong for his life, as a fallen guard... ...SHOOTS him in the back, and he goes SPRAWLING, SKIDDING, face down. Lifeless. INT. OPHTHALMOLOGIST'S OFFICE, BEIJING - NIGHT Col. Qiu walks beside a jaunty ophthalmologist, DR. HONGWEI, who is turning ON lights in the darkened office as they go. Behind them, two PLA SOLDIERS half-carry the agonized minister. Into an examination room... ...the minister gently set into an examining chair. The doctor tilts the face up, shines a light into the minister's eyes, which makes him GROAN. Eye drops now, which make the man YELP in pain. HONGWEI now moves the RETINAL SCANNER into position, resting the minister's chin on the slot provided. Turns it ON. The machine's panel FLASHES numbers in red lights. Hongwei looks into the box from the reverse angle, to view... ...a red LASER SCAN moving across the pupil vertically, then retracing its path horizontally, left to right, right to left, up and down, at speed. Hongwei moves to a computer monitor with a graphic rendering of the retina, clicks the keypad to section off a slice of the graphic, and ENLARGES the section 100 times. Looks like pixels. Back to the scanner. Touch a button, and... ...a COMPACT DISC pops out of the disc drive. He places it in a box, telling the minister... HONGWEI (subtitled Mandarin) We send this to the lab for finer analysis. One piece of advice, huh...? The minister squints up, painfully. HONGWEI (subtitled Mandarin) No more red pepper in your eye. Not for awhile. The doctor LAUGHS. The minister seethes. But Colonel Qiu... Has his mind. On business. EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATE NIGHT CLOSE on Gin's gloved hand, holding something we can scarcely see, as MIST floats up between us. It is a carabiner with a nylon rope attached, and she CLIPS it to a thick wire. GIN (O.S.) I'm freezing my tender parts. PULL BACK to see her in climbing harness, scaling a nearly-vertical CABLE, three feet in diameter. Enveloped in fog which reveals, then conceals. MAC (O.S.) I'm relieved to hear you have some. PULL WAY BACK to see him below her. The two of them climbing the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. They are near the top, more than 700 feet above the silvery black BAY. A precarious, dizzying sight. MAC What's amazing, is that only eleven workers died during construction of this thing... GIN (grim) ...thanks for sharing... MAC Of course, the others were saved by a safety net. Gin keeps her focus on the small railed PLATFORM just above her. A gutsy gal. MAC (loving it) Now, as for the suicides, they always jump facing the city. Avoids that tall fence about 50 stories down, see it, there? She's at the platform. GIN I never liked you. Unclips one last time. This won't be easy. Throws her rope OVER the railing, and to her surprise, Mac braces himself with his legs... ...lifts her from the waist with strong hands, boosting her easily to the platform. Grateful, she hates to confess it. GIN One act of fucking human kindness... MAC Call it a lapse. And he swings lightly up beside her. The fog has rolled past. There are several million stars. Transcendent beauty. She slows her breath... GIN And how does this fit into the game pl... MAC Oh, it doesn't. We came for the view. And from his contoured backpack, he pulls a bottle of Cristal. Flutes, wrapped in velvet. He POPS the cork in one motion, and it SAILS to its watery doom. She can't help but watch. One more motion to pour both glasses. Hands one to her. Toasts... MAC To Ginger Baker. He clicks her glass. She stares straight in his eye. Shows no surprise, no fear... GIN I'm partial to drummers. If they played with Clapton and Winwood. And takes a sip. Cool as a goose. Licks her lips. GIN The prescription bottle. When you stole my suitcase. But he's not drinking. Only staring. The wind has picked up. GIN Armand Baker was my husband, May 13 to October 27, 1982, he played alto sax, I was 17 years old. She takes another sip. Good wine. GIN He named me Ginger. He likes drummers, too. MAC And you get sentimental for him. Every time you order drugs. GIN I have I.D. in that name. I use it for various things I don't want traced. When credit unions turn their computers my way. MAC I could listen to you lie all night. She toasts him. GIN (softly) Same here, fella. Slowly, he reaches to an inside pocket, watching to see if she flinches. Her eyes do flicker. And follow. He withdraws not a pistol, but a handful of... MAC Do you like diamonds? Nine DIAMONDS, so large, so exquisite, she has to keep her eyes from bugging. Wow. MAC You asked. Does the machine. Make gold. Holy. Christ. MAC Gold is shit. It's six thousand dollars a pound. Worth your weight in gold...? His eyes travel her body... MAC That would put you at seven hundred thousand. GIN Would you pay it? And he leans. Looks in her eyes. MAC When the light hits you just right. I'd pay more. She liked that. Maybe a lot. GIN The machine. That we are stealing. Makes diamonds? No answer. GIN Real ones? MAC Gem quality. First ever. God save Japan. He toasts Blessed Japan to the East. Takes a hit. MAC A diamond reactor takes graphite, runs it through a combination of lasers, electron beams, and scanning- tunnel mg microscopes. He means this. She is transfixed. MAC This one uses krypton-fluorine laser, with a new isotope of krypton. She looks down at the diamonds in his palm. His fist CLOSES. MAC The atoms are rearranged. And the molecule of graphite becoznes a molecule of... He turns his fist UPSIDE-DOWN. And LETS GO! She GASPS as the brilliant stones FALL toward the sea. Watching, watching, long after the moonlit glimmer has evaporated. A hush. GIN I hate it. When you make a point. INT. SHIKOKU MARU - DAY CLOSE on two open PASSPORTS. The names say BANQUO MACDUFF and ISADORA DUNCAN. The faces are Mac and Gin. STEWARD (O.S.) All right, then. All set. PULL BACK to see Mac and Gin dressed as tropical tourists. She hangs on his arm. STEWARD We will keep your passports in our safe until Jakarta. MAC Of course. STEWARD You are Suite 16... GIN ...and never been kissed. The steward doesn't get it. Gin shrugs, sorry. MAC We had booked Suite 9. STEWARD 16 is our Tokugawa Suite, far superior, trust me. Mac consents. A little wary. STEWARD You luggage is in the room, these are your keys, the housekeeper will show you t... GIN (pouting) Oh. Can't we stroll around the port? Just a little? The steward checks his watch. STEWARD I'd be on board in forty minutes. Just to be safe. GIN (sweet smile) Better safe. Than sorry. EXT. DOCK, COLOMBO, SRI LANKA - DAY Mac and Gin stroll down the gangway, to the seedy, dangerous- looking wharf. At the bottom of the gangway... ...a wooden board to mark the whereabouts of guests. Each stateroom has a peg, which can be moved to ABOARD or ASHORE. Mac moves the peg for 16... ...to the ABOARD position. And off they go. INT. SMALL PLANE - NIGHT Mac in his jump suit piloting the Dehaviland DHC-53 across the endless black of the Indian Ocean. For the moment, he seems alone. Then... MAC Down there. Ten o'clock. He means a tiny grouping of LIGHTS. Way down there, against the darkness. He switches on the AUTOPILOT. Goes back to... ...Gin, waiting in her jump suit, sitting on a large pack of gear just beside the window of the jump door. Next to her, a pack that is even larger. No fear in her eyes tonight. Pure adrenaline. GIN Are you dumping fuel? MAC Changed my mind. There's nothing on the instruments downrange. The longer she flies before she ditches, the less chance they notice on the Bridge. As she stands, he begins to strap the huge pack ONTO her body. Jesus. With her chute, and the other gear attached, the load makes us uneasy. Not her. MAC You should lose the oxygen tank at 8000 feet. GIN And how do I judge that? Babe's intuition? He points to an altimeter device on his wrist. It says 12,000 feet. She cuts him a look. GIN So I just ask you on the way down? Or were you planning to e-mail me. He pulls out an identical device. Strapping it to her wrist... MAC I hate a crybaby. He straps the even-larger gear pack to himself. Checks the path of the tiny lights far below. Then, looks in her eyes... MAC (simply) You can do this. Not merely reassurance. Affection. Something connective between them. You are my partner. Her eyes send back that personal bond, and she nods. I can do this. Good girl. He pulls on his oxygen mask, goggles. She does the same. He OPENS the door, air BLASTING in. One more look down below, and he holds up ten fingers. Counts them down, nine...eight... She moves to the edge. Watching him. And on zero, she... ARCHES out INTO the starry VOID, and we go... WITH HER, the incomparable RUSH of freefall, straining to see him FOLLOW, skillfully altering his position to gain on her, coming close. She is looking between him and her altimeter, as... ...his oxygen tank FALLS AWAY, and she CUTS hers loose, the air RUSHING past her, she looks DOWN... ...the lights below are beginning to take the shape of the freighter. Back up to Mac, as he... PULLS his CHUTE, it is black and square, and JOLTS him to what seems like a full STOP far above her, and she YANKS her cord, but... ...nothing. It doesn't open. She is ROCKETING down, looking back up to see Mac make an exaggerated CUTTING sign across his body, and she closes her eyes, PULLS her secondary chute, which... POPS open, JARRING her violently, and she GASPS with the shock. He is well above her now, she isoff course, frantically trying to manipulate her trajectory, seeing him swooping closer, the freighter LOOMS in distance, she looks down and suddenly... ...the sea is RUSHING at her, she FIGHTS her braking mechanism, SHOUTING at herself... GIN FLARE, FLARE... ...and SLAMS INTO the water, PLUNGING down, twisting, disoriented CUTTING her chute loose, struggling not to get tangled, in a panic to BREAK her light tube, which... ...GLOWS yellow-green, illuminating the freezing depths, she FITS it around her head, fights now to pull out the small ELECTRIC FAN we've seen before, KICKING herself toward the surface, fighting against the weight of her gear pack, she... ...flips the switch, and the fan becomes a PROPELLER which ROCKETS her upward, but she loses her hold on one handgrip, tries desperately to hang on with one hand, but it... ...PULLS FREE, goes SHOOTING off into the blackness without her, one instant of TERROR in her eyes, and... Mac is THERE, diving at her with his propeller, she GRASPS his legs in a death grip, and suddenly, they are... AT the surface, Gin GASPING for air, and he CUTS his propeller, CRADLES her body with one strong arm, murmuring in her ear... MAC It's over, it's over... Her eyes are wild. MAC Catch your breath, quickly. Hang on for the wake. She sees the FREIGHTER now, a black mountain CUTTING the sea, a huge WAKE pluming from its bow. She grabs his waist with all she's got. GIN DO IT! GO! And he KICKS the propeller to LIFE, they ZOOM off, straight AT the towering wake and burst THROUGH it, RACING to the freighter's looming hull, speeding alongside, Mac looking up to find... ...a series of metal RUNGS, which begin twelve feet above the water line, climbing the dizzying height to the freighter's deck, far above. Mac has a Kevlar rope with a GRAPPLING HOOK, and as he reaches the rungs, he... ...THROWS it high, one of the pronged hooks CATCHING on a rung twenty feet above them... MAC HOLD TIGHT! GIN IF YOU FUCKING INSIST! And he LETS GO of the propeller, PULLING both of them, laden with gear, OUT of the water with sheer brute strength. PLANTING his feet against the outward curve of the hull, he CLIMBS with all his strength, hand over hand, until he finally... ...GRASPS the bottom rung. He PULLS them up, until she can GRAB ON. They hold tight to their rung for a beat. He attaches them both with metal carabiner clips. MAC If I were you, I'd watch the desserts. GIN Boy, I'll bet you were in shape before you got old. MAC Too long ago to remember. And pulls himself up to the second rung, so that he is standing an the first. Offers her his hand... GIN I can take it from here, thanks. Suit yourself. They begin to climb up the rungs, like a tilted backwards ladder, re-attaching their clips as they go. GIN If you'd packed my primary chute right, I wouldn't ha... MAC Yes, you would. You're a girl. Up, up. And stop. They are nearly halfway to the top. Looking across the curved hull to... ...a large circular HATCH. Thirty feet away. The goal. Mac pulls from his pack... ...their SUCTION CUP gear. With practiced speed, they fasten cups to the balls of their feet, take hold of the hand rods with cups attached, and Mac takes the lead as they begin to... ...move LATERALLY across the hull's surface toward the hatch. Mac is amazingly agile at the arduous process, scuttling sideways like a crab across the precariously tilted-back hull. Gin is deter- mined, but falls well behind, intent on making every suction seal solid one. Dark water RACES by beneath her., By the time she looks up at the hatch... He is gone. MAC (O.S.) Anytime you're ready. She looks UP sharply. He is ABOVE the hatch, attached to the hull by the balls of his feet, hanging down like a bat. Noting her astonishment... MAC Better angle. That it is. He has pulled a thick cylinder from his pack. It's a battery-operated AIR WRENCH, and with a menacing WHIRR, only partially masked by the ship's wake, he begins to swiftly POP all the rivets around the hatch. Gin has pulled out the slender WELDING TOOL we saw in the shower, and begins CUTTING through the metal seals around the hatch's rim. At thecrucial moment... MAC You might want to move aside... Which she BARELY does, as the hatch door PLUMMETS past her to the sea. BIG splash. Gone. When she turns back, Mac is already THROUGH the opening and she follows, their yellow-green headlamps partially revealing... ...the maximum-security HOLD. We've seen this with Carlsby. The fork lift. The shadowy multitude of PLATFORMS on their gimbals, all SWAYING, in different directions with the plunging of the ship. Gin just stands, staring everywhere, like she's broken into Fort Knox. The ROAR of the engines is louder here, and he moves close to her to speak beneath it... MAC May I trouble you for the torch? Or would you rather just dance. Oh. Slightly embarrassed at her lack of split-second efficiency, she tries to find the thing in her gear. After watching her fumble for a bit... GIN I know I packed it. ...he just reaches in and pulls it out. A small LANTERN which he FLICKS on, brilliantly ILLUMINATING the entire hold. Scans the platforms...polnts to a CRATE wrapped in 4-ply heavy duty plastic membrane. MAC Coal into diamonds. A wealth machine. GIN How do you know that's it? MAC (as if stating the obvious) It's 12 by 9 by 7 feet. And it's the only thing worth waterproofing, in case the ship sinks. GIN (softly) ...you twit. MAC Hmmn? GIN I'm just finishing your sentence. Can't you answer a question with- out making me feel stupid? He's heading toward the swaying platforms... MAC Why would I bother? He is climbing onto a lower platform, easily vaulting up to the magic crate. She follows, but it isn't as easy as he's made it look. She has to scramble, almost falling. He's already pulled from his gear... ...six rubber POUCHES. She hands him her welding tool, and he begins attaching the pouches to the top and sides of the crate. The plunging ship has the platform really rocking. GIN (concerned) They don't look like flotation bags... MAC (working fast) Shit. Well then, let's forget the whole thing. She stares at him. GIN Okay, it was a dumb ques... His eyes come UP. So fast that her breath stops. He looks plenty angry. MAC Let's get one thing straight. I don't work with partners much, because basically, I find most people to be idiots. She swallows. Hard. MAC You, in contrast, are first-rate. He watches the effect of that play across her eyes. MAC And if I think so. Maybe you should start thinking the same. Now move your ass. And goes back to work. She pauses a beat. Then pulls out two lengths of Kevlar rope. Begins securing their platform to the one above, to minimize the amount of sway. As she struggles with this, she sees him finish by welding a very small gray BOX to the top of the crate. When he glances up, he sees her staring at the box. MAC GPS transponder. Sends a scrambled signal by satellite... He touches the device. It BEEPS. A light glows RED. MAC Precise coordinates. You could find a golf ball in the Gobi Desert. He rises. JUMPS down to the floor. GIN Where you g... MAC (walking away) Fork lift. GIN That's my assignm... MAC (turning back) Unless you've got the keys, someone has to hot wire it. Oh. MAC Finish up on the floaters. And heads off toward the fork lift. Finish up? She looks at the rubber pouches. They seem finished to her. Tugs at a couple. On pretty firmly. Across the way, we HEAR the fork lift turn its engine OVER. GIN Won't they hear it? MAC (O.S.) Over these engines? Through five feet of steel? She hurriedly secures the last of her Kevlar lines. MAC (O.S.) Hell, if they do, they don't have the second key to get in. He is driving up in the rickety fork lift. Weaving around crates and equipment. MAC Thank God for redundant security. He hops lightly from the fork lift, reaches up, and she jumps down INTO his arms. Quickly, the switch places, Gin climbing into the idling fork lift, as Mac clambers up to UNBOLT the crate's pallet with his air wrench... Gin moves the fork lift into position. Mac bracing his legs against neighboring cargo, using all his strength to hold our crate steady. He is really straining. GIN How many tries do I get? MAC (with effort) One, before I beat you senseless, dump you over the side, and donate your share to charity. She brings the fork UP. The crate sways slightly. She lines up her prongs against the pallet's receiving holes... GIN You gotta work on that impatient streak. ...and slips them straight IN. First try. GIN (amazed) How professional. She LIFTS the crate, but the boat LURCHES, and she nearly LOSES it off the fork. But she doesn't. SWINGS her load around now. Heading for the open hatchway, the roiling sea racing by. Picking up SPEED, slightly... GIN Uh. Thing on the left is the brakes? MAC (laconic) Or the thing on the right. By now she is really ROLLING toward the wide open spaces... GIN MAC, IT'S JAMMED! He POUNCES off the platform, FLYING after the lift as it ACCELERATES THROUGH the opening... MAC JUMP, for God's sa... ...TIPPING at the hatchway lip, the crate sliding OFF the prongs, our forklift TUMBLING OUT the hatch to the sea, just as Mac... ...SNATCHES Gin by her HAIR, pulling her FREE of the falling forklift, CATCHING the rim of the hatchway with his free hand, Gin SCREAMING in fright and pain, BLINDLY grabbing his arm to be... ...jerked BACK to safety. Clutching Mac, she watches the sea behind them. Where the crate and the forklift disappeared. MAC You did activate the floaters. Her head WHIPS around. Aghast. GIN Activa... MAC I did say, 'Finish up on the floaters'. Surely, you heard me. Her life. Flashes before her eyes. As behind the ship... ...the crate BOBS to the surface. We can see the tiny red light on the transponder from here. MAC (softly) Oh. Guess I did it m'self. She WHIPS back, and starts POUNDING at him with her fists. He is laughing so hard, he takes a few good shots before he can GRASP her wrists. She SPITS in his face. He strikes back by... ...kissing her hard. She struggles for a beat. And then she lets him. When they finish, he reaches to UNZIP her jumping suit. All the way. Pulls it down gently, revealing... ...her evening gown. A wrinkle-free material which slips down across her legs from where it had been bunched across her hips. He is unzipping his outfit as well, revealing formal wear of his own. He stuffs the suits into his gear pack, removing only... ...her evening bag and shoes. Then lifting both packs, he... GIN Um... ...FLINGS them into the black ocean. Gone. GIN ...I wouldn't do that. So he turns. She looks really stunned. And scared. MAC Excuse me? GIN Well...I saw our suction things. Lying...over...there? She points. To where no suction things are lying. GIN (a mouse) ...so I put 'em in my pack? His eyes WIDEN. GIN Or maybe. I put 'em there. And points. To where they are. She tilts her head. Gives him a great smile. Is he enraged? His dry grin says, not hardly. MAC I like a quick study. Then again. You can never tell. EXT. FREIGHTER DECK - NIGHT Expansive barely-lit deck under a canopy of stars. A silver-haired couple in immaculate evening attire stroll alone, he is humming to barely-audible dance music from a distant lounge. She clings to his arm, it is romantic. Until they reach the railing where he turns, and says something quietly in German... She stiffens. Pulls her arm away from his. She sneers coldly, calls him a name in German, and he UNLOADS on her, a barrage of German-language INVECTIVE that would melt a tank. She absorbs the abuse without flinching, turns toward the rail, HAWKS and... ...SPITS over the side. Strides away from him. He watches her go. Then... ...SPITS over the side himself. And follows her. Half a beat. Mac's head APPEARS above the rail. Just where they spit. Not a mark on him. INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT Our old German couple are DANCING wonderfully in each other's arms Inspiring. PAN a dozen really old couples dancing to the three- piece Filipino ensemble, until we come to... Gin and Mac spinning slowly, flawlessly, their eyes telling the surrounding geezers that they are very much in love. We CLOSE to hear their sweet murmurings... MAC ...no matter how many stones we make, the diamonds are just an appetizer. GIN (dreamily) And the meal...? MAC My contract. With DeBeers. She blinks. Hit by a ton of bricks. GIN Oh my G... MAC Sensible folks, DeBeers. A world monopoly in diamonds based on one simple principle...something's only priceless if it's scarce. He WHIRLS her in a tight spin. The geriatic Germans can only watch and envy. MAC These guys dig up all the diamonds on the planet, just to keep them out of circulation. Otherwise, you could buy 'em at the Five and Dime... GIN Watch the old guy stuff, they don't have dimestores anym... MAC Imagine the chaos we could cause. She is imagining. GIN You said 'contract'... MAC We're sort of bounty hunters. Gin likes the ring of that. Green eyes dance with delight. MAC Our machine is worth far more dead. Than alive. VOICE (O.S.) Glad to see you're both alive. They look over. The officious STEWARD from this afternoon. Now in black tie. STEWARD When you missed cocktails. And supper. I thought of knocking on your door... Mac turns Gin so that she can send the boob a lazy smile... GIN Oh, I wish you had. We love having strangers join us! Maybe later...? Mac turns her once more, so that he faces the flummoxed steward across her bare shoulder... MAC Promise you an interesting time... Trademark smile. MAC Or my name's not Banquo MacDuff. You twit. INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT Our couple moving down the softly-lit hallway, past the burnished doors of luxury suites. Her arms wrapped around one of his, their bodies close together. MAC ...well, I would ask what you're doing with the rest of your life. But that's your own bloody affair, isn't it? She sighs. GIN Yeh. Anyway, before you get too choked up on the farewell. I feel I owe you a confession. He glances down. Really? Really. GIN Time has come to tell you. What business. I'm actually in. He thinks about this. And then... MAC Not here. EXT. DECK - NIGHT Mac leads her along the empty moonlit deck to... ...the BOWSPRIT, a long, narrow platform, ringed by a flimsy rail, it juts far out above a churning sea. The whipping of the wind makes it seem all the more precarious. MAC It only looks dangerous... Holds out his hand. She hesitates. MAC You couldn't fall off. Unless someone threw you over. Gives her the smile. She puts her hand in his, and they hop UP to the platform. Walk its length to the very end. He turns now, leans casually against the fragile railing. They are inches apart. MAC More intimate. For a confession. Gin looks down at the plume of wake leaping off the bow. MAC What business. You are actually. In. She looks up. To his eyes. Into them. GIN Yeh. I'm not an art dealer. MAC Of course not. You're a cop. And tilts his head. Just to one side. MAC An insurance investigator for Webber Assurance, your boss is an idiot named Hector Cruz, you've been there four years and ten months, you're quite the rising star. GIN (evenly) Nope. His head tilts. Just a little farther. MAC (very softly) Nope? GIN I'm a thief, Mac. Holds the look. GIN For five years, I've used the database of every client Webber has to plan my jobs. Museums, banks, jewelers, rich people, I have floor plans, alarm codes, passwords, the works. His face absolutely neutral. Unreadable. GIN I've made a fortune. It's not enough. MAC Why n... GIN Why wasn't it enough for you? He falls silent. GIN The Vermeer that was stolen from Hancock Tower? That was my job. I scaled the building with electromagnets, and parachuted down an air vent... No smile at her lips. Strictly business. GIN ...after mailing the painting. To where we're going next, actua... MAC (quietly) We. She looks him up and down. GIN Yeh, we. You passed the audition. Now he smiles. First time. MAC (a murmur) Imagine my relief. GIN I need a partner. For the biggest, smartest, job. Ever. The one you retire off of, because nothing else could ever compare with the rush. MAC Ever. Is such a long time. GIN This is a job that can only be done in one place, in one split-second in human history. If we miss that instant. We lose. MAC And it's worth...? GIN Eight billion dollars. That's eight thousand million. MAC How much in shillings? GIN You're not a real trusting guy. MAC And I tried so hard to hide that. GIN It's two jobs. The first steals something priceless from the National Palace Museum in Taipei. We don't keep that. We trade it in for our ticket to the show. MAC One moment in time, you s... GIN Midnight, July 1, 1997. Eight days from now. The moment that Hong Kong is annexed by china. And now. She has his interest. She can see that. GIN 80-20 split. MAC Don't be so hard on yourself. It's your plan, you should take at least thirty perc... GIN My 80, your 20. Asshole. He thinks this over. MAC 50-50. Or you can swim to Taipei. She is not impressed. Or afraid. He grins... MAC What are you gonna do with six billion dollars that you can't do with four? GIN Hold the record. Alone. This. He likes. So much that he leans to kiss her, with surprising tenderness. MAC Your share is 50%. And one dollar. Her hard stare. And then, she smiles. Just barely. Still in his arms... GIN I like what you left. In the hold. MAC You didn't even see wha... GIN A lump of coal. A pair of pliers. A note that said, 'Squeeze hard'. This is the most taken with her that he has ever looked. She leans up and kisses him. Whispers... GIN Squeeze hard. EXT. STREET, SHIHLIN DISTRICT, TAIPEI - LATE NIGHT Ugly section of an ugly town. Unmarked warehouses, alleyways teeming with food stalls. HEAR a motorcycle approach, and see... ...Gin driving, Mac sits behind her. Going real fast, maybe she's showing off, we FOLLOW them DOWN a blind alley, as she smoothly WHEELS them into... ...an open FREIGHT ELEVATOR. She climbs off, he doesn't. As Gin goes to work the controls, Mac sees a cat curled in the corner, mewing softly. GIN That's Madame Chiang Kaishek, she's my bud. An evil streak a mile wide. The elevator JOLTS to life. MAC No surprise. They CLANG upward. Mac seems utterly relaxed. Gin paces a little, hugging herself. Her features tense. MAC (gently) Tired? She blinks up. He is straddling the bike. Smiling at her. GIN I have a lot on my mind. Ah. Well... MAC You look beautiful doing it. He seems to mean that. And it seems to melt her a little. She sags against the wall, closing her eyes, as... ...they JOLT to a stop. She PULLS the heavy LEVER, and the door SLIDES noisily open, to reveal... ...a gigantic LOFT. She flicks on a dim light, but we see only part of the cavernous space. She strolls, Madame Chiang trotting along behind. Mac follows, looking around, then down to see... ...a pile of MAIL, cables, packages. The unopened MAILING TUBE we saw in the Hancock Tower penthouse. He crouches, lifts the tube in his hands... GIN (O.S.) You wanna buy a Vermeer? MAC Rather steal it. GIN (O.S.) Been there, done that. He nods to himself. Guess so. He rises to see her framed against the gaping starlit opening of a huge LOADING DOOR. The twinkling island lies below. But here, Gin stares down at... ...an elaborate architectural MODEL. Fifteen feet across, it features an imposing yellow, pagoda-roofed BUILDING, built into the side of a model MOUNTAIN. Formal gardens, fountains, tiny Kuomintang flags. Stretching away from the building, a large portion of the CITY, with shops and alleyways elaborately detailed. As Mac joins her... GIN National Palace Museum, Taipei, Taiwan. Repository of four thousand years of Chinese culture... He bends to lift UP the detachable roof. All the rooms are detailed within, down to exhibit cases. GIN Works of gold, bronze, jade, onyx, pots and scrolls, paintings and porcelains and lacquer work. Every treasure the Kuomintang could loot before the Reds took over. (beat) Ever rob the place? MAC No. If memory serves. She takes him by the hand, and leads him toward the gaping doorway, walking straight toward it... GIN You need to eat something, or are you ready for sex? And just at the edge of it... MAC (torn) The options seem so limited. They jump THROUGH the opening. And VANISH. Our ANGLE closes on the doorway, to see OUT now, sitting like a jewel against the hillside... ...the NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM, looking exactly like the model. The town spread out beyond. Just as in the model. And now we TILT sharply DOWN to see... ...a loading PLATFORM, suspended above the island, only a few feet below our opening. Like a balcony without a railing. Mac and Gin already sinking down onto a waiting futon. Looks like he's made his pick. Among limited options. INT. LOFT - SUNRISE CLOSE on the MODEL MUSEUM in early light. Propped against it, the unrolled Vermeer. Pinned to the painting, a note we can't read. In the B.G., HEAR what sounds like the rattling of a SUBWAY TRAIN, which runs a short distance and STOPS. We TILT ANGLE now, to see... ...through the sunlit opening of the loading door. Mac's head APPEARS, peeking up over the lip. MAC Ginny...? LOST in another brief subway rumble. He lightly VAULTS up through the doorway. Looks around, no Gin. Goes to the model. Lifts the note pinned to the Vermeer... MAC (reads) This lovely parting gift can be yours. If the price is right. Stumped. Not in his cultural database. He looks at the model, to see that the stretch of city between museum and mountain has been lifted away, revealing... ...an underground RAILWAY TUNNEL between the two. Mac examines the tiny train, the tracks, the winding route. From the side walls, well above the tracks, huge VENTILATION PIPES open onto the tunnel. Starting at the museum end, they are labeled VENT #1, and so on. There are five. The last one shortly before... ...the mountain. Where a cavernous opening is labeled BARRACKS. Tiny toy soldiers kneel on a landing, rifles in position to shoot at the oncoming train. And as Mac studies this curiously... ...the nearby SUBWAY RATTLES the walls once more. Sounds like it's in the room, somehow. Mac rises. Saunters across the loft, and we see for the first time the enormity of this space. Suddenly, the floor ends, and we are looking down nearly thirty feet onto... ...a spacious HANGAR, outfitted with 150 feet of RAILWAY TRACK, at the far end of which sits a full-sited TRAIN CAR, exactly like the one in the model. And just below us... ...Gin crouches on a concave platform of corrugated metal, eighteen feet above the track. She holds a remote control device, which she uses to REV the train's engine, far down the line. She looks really tense. MAC Good morning. She startles slightly. Shuts OFF the train's engine. As she looks up to him now, the silence is noticeable. He crouches down, only a foot or so above her... MAC Quite a parting gift. I would have settled for roses. GIN It's a joke. You know, a joke? People who have a sense of humor make them? He's clueless. But smiling. GIN You're rich, go buy an American, have him fill you in on the culture. MAC Ah. American culture. Well, that is a joke. He leans down. Strokes her hair very gently. MAC (murmurs) Relax. It's only eight billion dollars. She looks up into his eyes. But she can't smile. MAC (softly) Your Vermeer? I like this View Of Delft better than the larger one. The sky is more emotionally rendered. Staring in his eyes. And just as softly back... GIN Nice. When a sky is that. He holds the look. Very strong and very gentle... MAC Is it easier now? Not pretending. Is it? MAC Not pretending you're an innocent. Not pretending you...like me. No answer. Effortlessly, he hops down to join her. Never losing eye contact. MAC Here's a tip from an old-timer. Never forget who you are... Settles next to her. Bodies touching. MAC It gives you someone to be. When you stop pretending. Okay? She nods, slowly. Her eyes moving over his face. Maybe more feelings going through her than she can sort out. MAC (still soft) So. Our train runs from the museum, through an underground tunnel. To a mountain. GIN Because the museum displays 10,000 relics at any given moment. But there are 60 times that many, stored in the mountain. This overwhelms. Even Mac. GIN Which is why it's guarded. By an army. She is unfastening the small pack at her feet... GIN The train shuttles relics to and from storage. It looks exactly like that. So Mac looks down the line. At the train car. GIN I've been down the air ducts four times. The train always has two armed guards. Always travels between 32 and 36 miles per hour. Relics don't like to be jostled too much. MAC (all business now) Your model has five vents. GIN We go down the first. Back up the third, if you're lucky. If not, we have to get out by the fourth. MAC (simply) Then we will. She pulls from the pack four thick DISCS, each about eight inches in diameter, each with a toggle switch and a wrist loop. She starts to put two of them on... GIN Electromagnets, incredibly powerful. This switch is on-off. He gestures at the train, the track, the hangar... MAC Seems like overkill. For one simple jump. GIN Well, it's an eight billion dollar jump. You miss the train...you've missed the train. Flicks ON her remote. Down the track the engine REVS. Like crazy. GIN We've got five days to grab the Bones, trade them for the Scan, and pull our 8 billion out of Hong Kong. Once midnight passes on July 1st... MAC ...we've missed the train, yeh. The Bones? The Scan? GIN Oh. Have I neglected to fill in the details? MAC An oversight. GIN Which I learned from the master. Hey. Wish me luck... CLICKS the remote, the train LEAP5 forward, 36 MPH never seemed so fast! She has a split-second to LEAP down, the train SAILS beneath her, Gin's feet GRAZE the back end of the platform at the rear of the car, she SWIPES DESPERATELY with the magnets, can't connect, and is THROWN into a ROLL along the side of the tracks. She's UP on her knees, watching the train SLAM into the massive blue PADS at the end of the track. She is bruised, shaken, but most of all, really worried and really pissed. MAC (quietly) Jump sooner. She pulls out the remote... GIN Be my fucking guest. The train ROCKETS backward, straight PAST where she kneels, to BRAKE at the start of the track once more. She nods up to Mac, who is strapping on his magnets. He crouches, nods, ready. And the train... ...BLASTS toward him, he counts, JUMPS, and SLAMS ONTO the ROOF of the train, which PLOWS into the heavy padding, FLINGING him twenty feet like a rag doll to land in a HEAP. He lies still. Then blinks, surprised he's alive. HEARS a rich whiskey LAUGHTER down the track. MAC I'm too old for this shit! And as he pulls himself up. She is staring at him, from her knees... GIN Know a dude named Wiley Coyote? ...with what can only be described as love. GIN (softly) Forget it. EXT. NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM, TAIPEI - DAY AERIAL VIEW down toward the sweeping pagoda roofs of the MUSEUM, the formal gardens, the fountains, the tree-lined driveway. CLOSE now, as a cab pulls up, a couple emerges... She is first. Chanel suit with an extremely short skirt, revealing endless legs. She helps him from the taxi, a white-haired geezer who seems well past 90, fumbling with his walking stick, and making quick, erratic, bird-like glances in every direction. She takes his arm for support. Murmurs in his ear... GIN Isn't it easier now? Not pretending? Gives him a full-tongue KISS in the ear, which has bystanders noticing. Starts to help him up the stairs, still whispering close... GIN Five years, you won't need make-up. In answer he GRABS her ass, and she YELPS with delight, attract- ing attention all around. His turn to whisper, as he massages her backside... MAC We agreed. No underwear. GIN Overkill. I can do it with legs. He stops. Gives the long legs a dubious twice-over. MAC I'd lose the underwear. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Mac leaning on her arm, as they pass case after case. Bronzes, jades, lacquer work. Every object exquisite, priceless. GIN The Oracle Bones date back to the Shang Dynasty, 3500 years ago. They are writings...carved into ox bones, tortoise shells... She cuddles close to him. They approach a tour group, the female guide speaking in four European languages. Really loud. GIN The oldest Chinese writing any- where, the first proof of Chinese civilization. MAC What makes this one so valuable? He stops, drowned out by the tour guide, rhapsodizing over an urn. Butts into her rap... MAC (subtitled Italian) Except it's Chien-lung, mimicking Sung Period. The color is far too delicate. The woman gets real insulted. Apparently, he's right. MAC (subtitled German) It's all right, you have a nice body. And walks on. Confides to Gin... MAC When you're old, you can do anything GRABS her bottom once more, altering her voice slightly on... GIN There we are. A separate display room. A single steel pedestal. Under the smart-glass security case, one single object. It is a fragile, yellowed fragment of bone. The shoulder blade of an ox. Covered with tiny script. GIN Last year, ancient artifacts were discovered in the Gulf of Mexico. An Olmec civilization, 3200 years old. No tourists in the display room. A velvet rope is up. Three GUARDS mill at the entrance. This exhibit is off-limits. GIN Amazingly, markings on these Olmec figures were identified as Shang Dynasty writing... A sign explains, SORROWFUL TO INFORM ORACAL BONE CLOSE FOR TRAVEL EXIBITION UNTIL IS NOVEMBER. GIN This particular Bone is price- less, because it is the one that establishes the link. Proves that American civilizations descend from Chinese ancestors. She is pulling out her coin purse, as they stand by the rope. Unzipping it slowly... GIN Exactly the kind of propaganda shit they eat up in Beijing. The mainland would pay anything to get its paws on th... As her shaking 'elderly' companion SPASMS, knocking the purse OUT of her hand, it CLATTERS to the floor, sending a hundred coins ROLLING in all directions. Some under the rope. MAC (old guy voice) SHIT! BLOODY HELL!!! And collapses to the hardwood floor in search of the coins, HOWLING as he BANGS his knees. Some bystanders hurry to help. And one of the guards. As Mac tries to crawl under the rope to pursue coins... ...the guard STOPS him with a firm hand, pointing at the pidgen- English sign. Meanwhile, calmly, very slowly... ...Gin crouches down to retrieve coins, the short skirt riding recklessly high on her upper thighs. The two remaining guards hurry to help her. Mac's guard, bystanders, all transfixed by the marginal preservation of her modesty. Noticing the eye-lines all around, she confides to the nearest guard... GIN (in Mandarin, helpful) Those are the coins. These are my legs. Unnoticed, Mac is BANGING his wristwatch, which seems to have broken. CLOSE on him now, manipulating a glide point DEVICE on the side of the watch, and we RACK FOCUS to see... ...one coin. Inside the rope. Move. As Mac checks to see all eyes are elsewhere, he guides the coin's slide slowly, inexorably, to... ...ATTACH itself magnetically. To the steel pedestal. Beneath the Bone's case. As it does, Mac's watch BEEPS slightly, as we CLOSE on it to see... ...DATA flickering across its face. MAC (old guy voice) Amanda! Time for my pills! INT. NOODLE SHOP, TAIPEI - DAY Gin and Mac at a long communal table, ignored, by Taiwanese couples, families, businessmen, chattering loudly all around them. Gin looking down at her bowl, she's barely touched her meal... GIN ...no, I don't think that way. Glances up. Mac is eating heartily, happily. GIN ...and I suppose you do? MAC Get lonely? Sure, all the time. It's healthy. Stuffs his mouth full. Talking around it... MAC What's unhealthy. Is denial. She's studying him as he eats. Since he's not looking at her, Gin's eyes are thoughtful, appraising. GIN Be real. you could never see yourself...you know, quitting the game. Settling...down. And he looks up. Direct to her eyes. A dead straight, heart- stopping look. Before the wonderful smile. MAC Why, Ginger. This is so sudden. She cuts him a hard look. Not funny. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Late afternoon, the place has closed. Four armed GUARDS, accompanied by a museum OFFICIAL, push a large DOLLY across the hardwood floor, heels clicking, wheels rumbling softly, into... ...the room we've seen. The dolly stops by the display case of the priceless oracle Bone. The four guards position themselves around the triple-paned bulletproof case. It will be a bitch to lift. The official has a key. He inserts this into the lock of the titanium frame which holds the case to the steel pedestal. And as it CLICKS, we... SMASH CUT TO... INT. NOODLE SHOP - DAY Mac's arm rising with noodle-laden chopsticks, the wristwatch BEEPING softly. He drops the chopsticks, rising in one fluid motion as Gin does the same, throwing some bills on the table, he leads her... ...OUT the door, INTO the street, step OFF the curb, turn, DROP flat on his back, SLIDE DOWN the gutter, Gin following a split- second behind... INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK A train car stands, pulled up to a loading dock. Two SOLDIERS with assault rifles on the train's rear platform, waiting. Along one side of the tracks, a gravel roadway. An open air Jeep-type military vehicle stands empty. One of our soldiers speaks into a walkie-talkie, watching a huge steel DOOR at the entrance to the loading dock, which... ...OPENS now. Through it come the four armed museum guards, surrounding the dolly which carries the Bone's massive bulletproof display case. The official is with them, and hands paperwork to one of the waiting soldiers, as the museum guards LIFT the case, and carry it onto the train. INT. TUNNEL SHAFT An empty stretch of dimly-lit track, somewhere down the line. Silent. PAN up, way up, to... ...the shadows of a huge air vent. Must be vent #1, because two FIGURES are crouched there, as close as lovers. Even we can barely make them out, until we CLOSE to hear the hushed... GIN (strapping on a backpack) ...way we can use those in here. I thought I was in charge of this operat... MAC You're in charge of ego and worrying. I'm in charge of keeping you alive. He is holding something dull gray and small. It looks like a trun- cated nerf football with one end pointed and the other cut blunt. MAC These are plasma jet. All the force is directed forward, instead of dissipating in a sphere like a grenade. He has four of these. Gives her three. GIN I don't need th... MAC (whispers) Shut up. He reaches out, gently... MAC You don't trust me, you won't get through this. Touches her face. MAC Try to adjust to that for three more days. After July 1... Stares in her eyes. MAC ...you'll never have to trust again. And smiles. One more whisper... MAC Something. To look forward to. INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK The museum guards are back on the landing with the official. Our two soldiers stand facing them from the rear platform of the train car, as... The train RUMBLES to life. Ready to go. INT. MUSEUM Two guards arrive with a hand truck to carry off the empty pedestal, which once supported the Bone's case. One tilts the top of the pedestal back, supporting its weight, as the other stoops to lift the base, and... ...stops. He sees the coin. Oddly flat against the pedestal's shaft. He kneels, tries to lift the coin, but the magnet HOLDS it fast. He looks up to his companion. Then... ...PEELS the coin free, the other guard reaches for it, the first guard YANKS it away, and it FLIES from his hand, INTO the wall, and drops. As the guards go to look, the coin's back has come away. Revealing... ...electronics. INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK An ALARM SHRIEKS at a deafening level. Five museum GUARDS BURST through the doorway, LEAP from the landing, pile into the Jeep, and BLAST OFF down the gravel roadway after the departed train. INT. BARRACKS ENTRANCE A much larger landing at the other end of the tunnel, facing back the opposite way. The ALARM SCREAMS here, too, and massive steel doors CLANG open, as 25 SOLDIERS with assault rifles SWARM out onto the landing, taking up sharpshooter positions, weapons pointing back up the track. INT. AIR VENT #1 Mac and Gin crouched in the vent, high above the track, gas masks dangle around their necks, magnet paddles from their wrists, various objects from their belt loops. The alarm ECHOES, absolutely EAR-SPLITTING. She leans to shout in his ear... GIN WE HAVE TO ABORT! Above the siren, we can now hear the TRAIN coming... MAC HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO MAKE A CAREER OF THIS, IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A LITTLE INCONVENIENCE? The train LOUDER, closer, the alarm BLARING... GIN THEY'VE GOT AN ARMY DOWN TH... MAC I can do this. Quietly. Straight in her eyes. The train ROARS into view, FLASHES beneath them, as he GRABS her wrist and... ...JUMPS, HURTLING DOWN, both STRIKING the empty rear platform, Gin slipping off, but he HOLDS her fast, SWIPING with his magnet which... ...CLANKS hard, LOCKS solid. He PULLS her onto the platform, she looks dazed, clinging to him, he tugs her gas mask into place, slips on his own, and... ...FITS a magnetic DEVICE from his belt loop ONTO the door lock, SPINS a dial on the device, which POPS the lack OPEN, Mac BURSTING... ...THROUGH the door, lobbing a GAS GRENADE at the startled guards, who try to whirl and FIRE through the fog of red smoke, two wild SHOTS above the rolling Mac, and they are felled by the gas where they stand. Gin races in, falling on her butt, as the car ROCKS along the track. Points OUT the window... GIN (through mask) THERE'S THE NUMBER TWO VENT, ONLY 45 SECONDS TO THE THIRD! Scrambling to her feet, Mac wheeling toward the Bone. GIN (through mask) TEST THE CASE! He THROWS a handful of coins at the glass case, and purple UV BEAMS ARC from the glass to FRY the coins in midair. Mac pulls a dull rectangle the size of a cigar box from Gin's backpack, as we SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL The Jeep BLASTING after the train at crazy speed, the four non- drivers with weapons at the ready... INT. BARRACKS LANDING TROOPS FILL the platform, and have spilled onto the tracks, enough weapons to dust Butch and Sundance. INT. TRAIN Mac operating the cigar box which is actually a customized OSCILLOSCOPE, with countless KNOBS and a SCREEN which displays WAVE PATTERNS. The machine is emitting SHRILL whistling TONES that cut through even the siren. GIN (through mask) TAKE IT TO 30 AND CLIMB! Mac SPINS the dials and two overhead light bulbs BLOW. The glass case housing a fire ax SHATTERS. The Bone's case is untouched. SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL WITH the Jeep, BOMBING around a curve to SEE the train at last. WE OPEN FIRE, accelerating after the train with everything we've got, gravel FLYING like shrapnel, and up ahead... ...the train's windows BLOW OUT, the tunnel SHOWERED with glass fragments. SMASH CUT... INT. TRAIN Mac JUICING the box, the deafening TONE competing with the sirens, the gunshots, Gin SHRIEKING as she points through a blasted-out window... GIN (through mask) THIRD VENT GONE! And the Bone's case EXPLODES, Gin WHIRLING away to protect her face, as we SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL The Jeep now ALONGSIDE the rear platform of the train. The driver fighting to hold it steady, as... ...the guards begin to CLAMBER over the side, GRASPING for the platform's rails, one goes DOWN screaming onto the tracks, but two MAKE IT, then a third, they BURST... ...INTO the train to see... Nothing. Two groggy, half-conscious soldiers. Discarded gas masks, oscilloscope. No Mac. No Gin. And inside the shattered case... A chicken bone. The pack-rat strikes again. INT. TUNNEL Mac and Gin FLATTENED to the side of the train above the window line, held fast by their magnets. We are on the opposite side from the gravel path, so the train screens us from the jeep. SHOUTING above the din... GIN THERE'S THE FOURTH! Up ahead an AIR VENT looms, we are HURTLING toward it. Mac and Gin each free one hand, reach into their backpacks for... GIN OUR LAST CHANCE, THE FIFTH IS AT THE BARRACKS! ...twin GRAPNEL GUNS, which look like big 9mm pistols, but with a blunt, round end. As we STREAK toward the VENT, Gin lifts her gun, SHOOTS at it, a cable-attached PROJECTILE EXPLODING toward the target, OPENING in mid-flight to a three-pronged HOOK, which... ...FALLS just SHORT, the hook tumbling to CLANG on the tracks, as Mac... ...FIRES his, the projectile EXPLODING, the hook OPENING and... ...BITES into the wall, only four feet from the vent, its cable stretching back to the gun in Mac's hand, we're almost there, and Mac slips the pistol... ...INTO Gin's free hand. GIN WHAT ABOUT YOU? MAC ALLOW US A MOMENT OF CHIVALRY. Their eyes meet. He sees her hesitate to abandon him. MAC FIRST RULE. SAVE NUMBER ONE. They FLASH PAST the vent, Mac RELEASES her magnet, Gin's freed hand GRASPING to join the other at the pistol, as she... ...ROCKETS up, CATAPULTED back toward the vent by the retractable cable, as a RIFLE APPEARS from a window beneath us, taking aim at Gin, and Mac... KICKS it off line, the shot BOOMING, the guard almost dropping the weapon, then SWINGING it back UP, slamming the muzzle directly INTO Mac's GROIN, as Mac... ...GRASPS the barrel, YANKING it up, SLIPS the shot SCREAMING past his head, PULLING the guard half out the window to KICK his face, sending him DOWN to the tracks, as we CAREEN around a curve, seeing in distance now... ...the END of the line, the massive BARRACKS LANDING, the phalanx of TROOPS, the fifth and final AIR VENT midway between us. Mac's free hand pulls out... ...the lone PLASMA GRENADE he kept for himself, and as we CAREEN toward the troops, Mac HEAVES the grenade uptrack, and it... ...EXPLODES in a horrifying FIREBALL, which RIPS UP the train tracks, COLLAPSING a section of tunnel wall ONTO the gravel path, a choking CLOUD of yellow SMOKE filling the tunnel, obscuring everything, our train ROCKETING... ...TOWARD the flames, nearly AT the metal SUPPORT BEAM which runs vertically up to the final air vent, and as the train FLASHES PAST it, Mac... LUNGES out, SLAMMING both magnets ONTO the support beam, the momentum FLATTENING his body fully horizontal like a flag on a pole, the train PLUNGING ON without him, as guards shoot blindly back from the windows, the jeep PLOWING full tilt INTO the rubble of tunnel wall, the train... ...DERAILING in a terrifying CRUSH of twisted metal, screams, shouts, the smoke and flame everywhere, and we SNAP TO... REVERSE ANGLE...the soldiers' POV from the landing, SCATTERING as the derailed train HURTLES AT them, INTO them, chaos, until at last they see... ...above the clearing smoke, near the tunnel ceiling... ...Mac CLIMBING deftly up the support beam, magnets CLANKING, hand over hand, nearly at the vent, and the shouting troops... ...OPEN FIRE, bullets CHEWING UP the tunnel wall, as we SMASH CUT TO... INT. STORAGE ROOM - DAY Silence. Cluttered, dimly-lit storage room. Boxes of SHOES reach to the ceiling, Gucci, Bruno Magli, the good stuff. Footsteps precede... ...a young SALESMAN, tailored, attractive. He goes right to the shelf he needs. Opens a box. Takes it and two others. As his steps recede, we PAN UP to... ...the ceiling. The mesh grating, which soundlessly... ...slides away. Gin DROPS lightly, twelve feet to the floor. Filthy from her adventure, she quickly unzips her backpack to remove... ...a sleek Halliburton case. Opens it. The Oracle Bone undamaged in its cushioned setting. Steps returning, she is... ...OUT of her jumpsuit in a heartbeat, revealing a costly slip of a dress, kicks the jump suit under the bottom shelf, as... ...the young salesman APPEARS to find her peeking into a shoe box. He is startled. She scowls at him, rubbing the grime from her face... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) There you are! Do you know how filthy this place is? Shows her dirty fingers as proof. SALESMAN (subtitled Mandarin) Madam, no one is supp... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) I'm looking for dress pumps, I'll need eight pairs. Oh. GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Unless you're too busy to help me. SALESMAN (subtitled Mandarin) Well, no, I... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Come to think of it, I need some dresses for evening... Lifts the Halliburton case, slings her pack over her shoulder, strides to the doorway. See the crowded upscale boutique... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Are you coming? Out she goes. And he follows. Maybe he's on commission. INT. VENT - DAY Mac, very much alive, somewhat the worse for wear, crawling through a darkened pipe on his belly, toward... ...a grating. Light filters through. Reaching the screen, he squints through it. Can't see shit. Listens. Nothing that rises above an ambient wooshing of air in the duct. He grasps the wires, pushes, and... ...FALLS straight THROUGH, tumbling ten feet to CRASH LAND in a heap. HEAR feminine SCREAMS before we look up to... ...three young WOMEN trying on lingerie, being attended by an older SALESWOMAN. The girls are half-naked and as Mac rises, one THROWS a red lace TEDDY in his face. He peels it off, and still holding the garment, calmly tells the saleswoman... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) It's all right, the security cameras behind the mirrors are working again. At which the customers SHRIEK, cover themselves all the more, and begin screaming at the poor saleswoman. During which... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) Well. If everything is in order... All four women. Look at him. EXT. LINGERIE SHOP, SHIN KONG MALL - SUNSET CLOSE on an entrance, just as Mac comes... ...FLYING THROUGH, propelled by two sizeable SECURITY GUARDS, once again landing in pieces. It's a long day. As Mac clears his head, they stand at the doorway with folded arms. Hoping he wants some more. MAC WHAT KIND OF A COUNTRY IS THIS? IN BRITAIN, A MAN CAN TRY ON LINGERIE WITHOUT COMPROMISING HIS DIGNITY! The bruisers look at each other. No habla Espanol. EXT. KAOHSHING HARBOR, TAIWAN - DUSK A super TUGBOAT, engines RUMBLING, ready to pull out. A woman paces the deck. Every time we see her, she seems more tightly wrapped. At last... ...here he comes, stepping briskly from the taxi, striding up the gangway, pulling from inside his coat... ...the red lace teddy. He drapes it over her face, and she pulls it away, steps into his arms... ...her kiss is urgent. Real. HOLD on the look in her eyes. What is she thinking? He strokes her hair, gently. Then, goes to look into the Halliburton case, which stands by the rail. As he crouches. As he looks at the Bone... She is watching him. An intensity to her gaze. More feeling than she is comfortable with, which... ...disappears completely, as he turns to her. And when he mimes FLINGING the case into the sea... She laughs. EXT. STATUE SQUARE, HONG KONG - DAY CLOSE on a British Petroleum BILLBOARD with a huge DIGITAL CLOCK, counting down by seconds...JUNE 29, 1997, 11:32 A.M. - 1 DAY, 12 HOURS, 27 MINUTES, 48 SECONDS TO: REUNION WITH CHINA! PAN to an AERIAL VIEW of... Hong Kong's bustling STATUE SQUARE, the hub of countless feeder streets and alleyways, as we ROAM to a SERIES OF SHOTS... ...billboards everywhere. Western businesses that announce WE'LL STILL BE HERE FOR YOU. Others, primarily British, sending farewells, gratitude for past patronage. China-sponsored depictions of happy Hong Kong and Chinese citizens, proclaim ONE COUNTRY, TWO SYSTEMS. ...moving vans, people pushing carts of belongings, shop signs advertising blowout inventory clearance sales. Traffic beyond gridlock. The human ant colony. ...incredibly long queues in front of post offices, American Express, the imposing glass and steel skyscraper called the HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK BUILDING. ...large groups of uniformed CHINESE SOLDIERS in the streets. More orderly DEMONSTRATION by anti-China PROTESTERS, their signs say MORE DEMOCRACY and FREE HONG KONG, their numbers watched by Chinese soldiers, who in turn are watched by British soldiers. CLOSE on the square now. A couple at a sidewalk vendor. Mac is purchasing a t-shirt. Gin dutifully lifts her arms, and Mac slips the garment over her head. It says CHINA GOT HONG KONG, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT. He regards her thoughtfully, and she turns, modeling for him as if wearing a Givenchy original. He approves, lifts the Halliburton case, and they move on, strolling, chatting until Mac... ...bumps HARD into a Chinese SOLDIER, both men REELING with the impact. The soldier carries an identical HALLIBURTON CASE, and the two men set their cases down side by side, as Mac steps forward... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) FUCKING HELL! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, MAN! No one notices, no one cares. Gin tugs on Mac's arm, don't get involved, dear. Mac reluctantly steps back. The soldier glares at him. Then, bends and picks up... ...Mac's case. A parting epithet in Mandarin, and the soldier starts off. Watching him, Mac unobtrusively fingers a concealed... ...PISTOL, ready for action. But keeps watching, as within a few yards, the soldier... ...stops. Opens the case. Checks out the Oracle Bone, right there in the middle of the square. Mac and Gin watching across the distance, with hair-trigger keenness. At last the soldier CLOSES the case... ...walks back to us. SOLDIER (subtitled Mandarin) I believe I took your case. Handing it to Mac, he leans forward, and in low, aecented English... SOLDIER 21 Old Peak Road. In 45 minutes. Picks up his own case. And is gone. EXT. MANSION, VICTORIA PEAK - DAY A vintage Aston Martin pulls up to a spectacular gated MANSION. Sparkling white, it is a blend of Edwardian and Regency. Gin is driving, speaks into the voice box, and the gate swings open. As they pull up the crushed rock driveway... ...a BUTLER appears, as British as the architecture. Climbing from the car, Mac has the Halliburton case. BUTLER Will you please come this way? And leads them around the side of the house. They walk slowly, a distance behind the butler, taking everything in. MAC I like this. His voice is strong, calm. No hint of a smile. GIN You like wha... MAC Not being told what the fuck we're doing. She looks equally serious. Just more tense. GIN You're on a 'need to know' basis. You'll get each step in time to execute, I thought you agreed to those condit... MAC (quietly) I like your not trusting me. Because it frees me to do the same. They come upon the spacious GROUNDS behind the mansion. A breathtaking view down the slope of Victoria Peak to Hong Kong and the harbor. Kowloon across the water. GIN I trust you. I only need to... MAC ...remain in control. They pass a towering row of perfect ROSEBUSHES. Mac SNAPS OFF a giant blossom. MAC Which is a sign of weakness. And hands it to her. Their eyes meet. MAC I like that, too. At the edge of the garden, above the commanding view, a luncheon TABLE has been set. Spread with delcacies. Two SERVANTS attend, also British. Only the host is seated. He does not rise. GIN Colonel Col. Qiu glances up from his meal. Green PLA uniform, absurdly decorated, wraparound Gautier sunglasses. We recognize him as the man who took Gin's call in his Mercedes in Tienanmen Square. The man who accompanied the poor Minister of Finance to the ophthal- mologist. QIU You look lovely, Ginger. Is the rose for me? GIN Of course. And leans prettily. To fasten it in the buttonhole of his lapel. GIN Col. Qiu Lai Chuen, this is Andrew MacDougal. Hearing his real name, Mac cuts her a look. GIN Real names here, darling. The Colonel and I have every incentive to keep each other's secrets. And she sits. Close to Qiu. Mac looks around at the property, the view. QIU Like the place, Andy? MAC Please. Mr. MacDougal will do. The Colonel smiles. First time. Like an alligator. Mac notices that the tablecloth is actually... ...a Union Jack. He fingers the flag. QIU This way. Doesn't matter if we spill. MAC My sentiments exactly. He sits. QIU This place was a gift. From its former owner. A Brit whose business will now happily continue to function. Perhaps...even expand. MAC (spreading his napkin) Planning to spend much time here? QIU Tho it has required many sacrifices. GIN The Colonel has divorced his wife. To facilitate the necessary entertaining of Western women. QIU Tho some are more entertaining than others. And runs the back of his knuckles up the length of Gin's bare arm. MAC Colonel. You are touching the woman I love... Which brings Qiu's eyes over. Really? MAC From time to time. And pulls up the Halliburton case. Handing it across the table. As Qiu takes the case in his lap, opens it... QIU You're a Scot. Would you like some 25-year-old Macallan? MAC Sure, I'll take a case. Qiu glances across the lawn to the butler, who stands behind the bar trolley. As the drinks are prepared, the Colonel studies the Bone. GIN The Colonel told his Minister of Culture that he could mount a surgical raid to liberate this treasure from Taiwan. MAC Ah. How much was the Minister told the raid would cost? QIU (not looking up) Counting equipment, personnel, bribes, an even fifty million American. All in. MAC Which you can now keep. The drinks arrive. QIU He would have paid twice that. But my needs are modest. And lifts from beneath the table, a leather POUCH. QIU Unlike. The woman you love. From time to time. Drops it into Gin's lap. She opens the pouch to reveal... ...goggles. Like one would wear in a tanning salon. Only these are flesh-colored with one small hole in the center of each lens. Slightly larger than the size of a pupil. She slips them on. A bright smile. GIN How do I look, honey? And Mac smiles. In return. MAC Like a woman. Of mystery. INT. SUITE, PENINSULA HOTEL - LATE NIGHT Glass doors open WIDE to a terrace which overlooks Kowloon, the harbor, Hong Kong Island beyond. More lights than stars in heaven. And speaking of heaven... ...the SOUNDS of lovemaking are fierce, feral, an urgent rhythm, part comic, part wondrous, and mostly, arousing enough to make us PAN TO... ...lovemaking in silhouette. This is the lovemaking of tigers, mesmerizing to watch, ferocious enough to inspire envy, and somehow... ...tender enough. To suggest real love. LATER...Mac and Gin sit before the open terrace. There is wine and food and abandoned clothing all around them. She has her pack drawn near. And Qiu's leather pouch. She removes the goggles... This is the moment. GIN In the Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank Building. Is a room with two computers. One for you. And one for me. MAC Glad I have a function, here. GIN The room is a vault on the 14th floor. Access codes to that room are changed daily, computer pass- words on the hour, but... But. She is electric, more alive than he's ever seen her. GIN Four men in the world. Don't need codes. Their retinas will scan to unlock everything. One of these is China's Minister of Finance. She lifts the goggles... MAC And his retinal plate is in there. Yep. MAC Our trade for the great train robbery. All right, let's say we're in the door. Now what? From her pack, she pulls a slender black rectangle. Opens it to reveal a shiny metallic DISC. GIN Hong Kong has a huge portion of its holdings invested in foreign banks. In hundreds of separate accounts... Holds up the metallic disc. GIN This CD ROM is programmed to send, instantaneously, thousands of instruc- tions, with all necessary confirmation codes, to transfer reasonably modest sums out of those accounts.... MAC Modest. GIN Two or three million at a crack, in odd numbers. Total, eight billion. And change. MAC And you've set up a laundry. GIN Every wire transfer gets rocketed through a series of multiple switches, Austria, Uruguay, Antigua, The Channel Islands, the Caymans... MAC (quietly) Seychelles? GIN (beat) I left that out. MAC You're forgiven. GIN Thank you. As soon as each deposit lands somewhere, it's shot somewhere else, til the Mafia couldn't find it. MAC But those first instructions, transferring the 8 billion dollars. They're recorded in the main computer. She waggles the disc. GIN Nope. The CD instructs the computer to erase the real transactions. And replace them in its memory with an innocuous loan coded XJ6. Little homage to Limeyland, there. MAC Dearest. The accounts won't reconcile. She waggles the disc. Again. GIN Wrong. The CD instructs the computer to over-report all account totals forever, in the exact amounts we've lifted. So the Chinese think the money's still there. On this one. He has to smile. MAC The money. Is still. Missing. GIN Sure, the foreign banks know they sent out some money. But they think Hong Kong knows it, too. And since we're leaving plenty in every account... MAC The shit doesn't splatter. Until the first account runs dry. Exactly. GIN And then. Comes the really brilliant part of the whole thing! MAC I was hoping there'd be one. He settles back. Looks at her. GIN Admit it, so far you're blown away. Well... MAC It does sound like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. And his fingers reach out... MAC Pity it will be over. In 21 hours. Touch her hair. Her face. She swallows. A raw moment. A hoarse... GIN Bet you say that. To all the one-night-stands. But he's just staring in her eyes. The look pins her. She can't wriggle off. A murmured... MAC No, ma'am... He leans to her... MAC Only the best of them. They kiss. EXT. STATUE SQUARE - ROUND MIDNIGHT CLOSE on the British Petroleum billboard, where the countdown CLOCK says...JUNE 30, 1997, 11:41 P.M., 0 DAYS, 0 HOURS, 18 MINUTES, 51 SECONDS TO: REUNION WITH CHINA! The square is beyond BEDLAM. Times Square looks deserted New Year's Eve compared to this carnival CRUSH of humanity, rock and rolling as if reunion with China was the doorway to Paradise. Singing, chanting, screaming, dancing, music and booze everywhere, firecrackers exploding, soldiers and civilians, tycoons and hookers, tourists and peddlers and Party members and homeless, going absolutely nuts. Who knows. Could be the last party. Ever. WHIP PAN to the crowded plaza in front of the towering glass-and- steel headquarters of the HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK. ZOOM to focus on our smashing couple in evening wear, Gin with a large beaded shoulder bag. Mac presents an invitation to a PLA soldier, who admits them into... INT. PUBLIC LOBBY, HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK ...a VIP party going full blast in the lobby of this truly breathtaking structure. A central ATRIUM rises 47 floors, creating a soaring clear core, around which the offices and working spaces are ringed. The view straight up is interrupted only at three well-spaced levels, where thick CANOPIES of glass, stitched together with spidery skeletons of steel, SPAN the open core. Mac looks up... ...at the balcony railings surrounding the atrium, the revelers have been granted access to the lower five floors. Above these, all is empty. MAC Nice of the Colonel to provide an invitation... She is guiding him toward one of the multiple hors d'oeuvre stations. Half the celebrants seem to be armed PLA soldiers, many with rifles slung boldly across their shoulders. GIN Well, I promised him a bonus. Five million. Comes out of your share. MAC ...long as I don't have to have sex with him. Mac loads up on six hors d'oeuvres, piling them on a napkin, as she takes two flutes of champagne. They step away from the mob toward a potted plant near the wall, and Mac... ...drops his snacks with a SPLAT. Shit. Bending to clean the mess, he slips from his waistband a flat CIRCUIT BOARD with a bank logo and a three-pronged plug. In a single motion, he plugs it INTO a socket concealed by the pot, scoops up his canapes, and we CUT TO... INT. SURVEILLANCE ROOM Three SECURITY OFFICERS blink, as ALL FIFTY monitor screens go HAYWIRE at once. The images compressed to a blur of lines between a series of diagonal SLACK BARS that slash across the screens. The way your TV acts when the horizontal hold goes out. They can't believe it. Stumped, they start slamming buttons, flipping switches, jabbering to each other. Now the images begin to ROLL vertically, as if in response to their attempts at adjustment. Welcome to the world of high tech. INT. ELEVATOR BANK Mac and Gin wait with a party of older Brits, who've had plenty to drink and are carrying more. Two armed soldiers flank the elevators. A car arrives. As the Brits enter... MAC (politely) We'll take the next one. Waiting, calmly. Mac smiles at a soldier. MAC (subtitled Mandarin) What time tomorrow do the tanks roll in? The guy LAUGHS. An elevator arrives. Gin sipping champagne as they enter. The doors CLOSE. They are alone. The panel has floors 1 through 5 lit. The other numbers, 6-10 and 16-47, are dark. There are NO numbers 11-15. Mac pulls from his pocket a small flat DEVICE, not much thicker than a credit card, with a window and a series of LED lights on its face. He fits it into a SLOT beside a black glass PLATE on the elevator panel. Immediately, the LEDs scramble, all RED, numbers FLASH across the card's window, as the device begins to lock on the elevator code. In sequence, the LEDs turn GREEN, and... ...the glass plate LIGHTS, announcing in Kanji and English...ACCES GRANTED TO FLOORS 11, 12, 14, 15. Mac presses the lit number 14. The elevator RISES. He looks over at her. She is tight enough to snap. We can feel her heart racing from here. MAC So all that time, sitting at your computers. All the research, the access codes your job allowed you to steal, floor plans, schematics... setting up all your bank accounts... She looks irritated. He is smiling, gently. MAC Years of work, comes down to.... (checks his watch) ...six minutes. Don't be nervous. Easy come, easy go. She looks away. The elevator stops. MAC Your share prob'ly works out to, what? Dollar and a quarter an hour? Me laughs. The door opens. She is pissed off. GIN What's your point? MAC (very real) That I like you, Ginger. Now they're staring at each other. An open elevator door. An empty dim hallway. They see only each other. MAC The dedication, the skill, the guts... He holds out the crook of his arm. As a gentleman escorts a lady. MAC I'm going to see you get everything you deserve. Her eyes flicker on that. So he grins... MAC Woman. If you can't have fun, right now. You're in the wrong business. She looks in his eyes. Her body seems to relax, just a little. She takes his arm. INT. 14TH FLOOR CLOSE on a KEYPAD. Next to it, a mirrored PLATE with two APERTURES, set apart the distance of human eyes. Gin's goggled face DROPS into frame, reflected in the mirrored surface. She fits her eyes to the apertures... GIN (whispers) Open. Sesame. A red scanning light APPEARS. Tracks vertically. BEEPS. Tracks horizontally. And from somewhere... ...a soft CLICK. PULL BACK now, to see... They stand at what seems the door to a BANK VAULT. Round, gigantic, heavy steel. Bolts eyerywhere. Mac reaches to GRASP the handle, and... CLANG. The door swings OPEN. They stare at the inner sanctum... ...a windowless ROOM. Dim, eerie fluorescence. A blast of white noise from the elaborate air-cooling system. Two large MAINFRAME COMPUTERS face each other from opposite walls, desks and work stations with PC monitors filling the space between. As Mac closes the vault door behind them... ...Gin goes quickly to the smaller mainframe. Pulls the high- resolution monitor around on its adjustable arm. The screensaver displays Guernsey cows swimming among tropical fish. She hits a key. The screen saver replaced by, WELCOME. AUTHORIZATION MODE PLEASE. Two boxes for PASSWORD and SCAN. She hits SCAN. A plastic shield RISES, revealing... ...the mirrored PLATE, the tiny APERTURES. Gin leans to fit her goggled eyes in place. The red scanning light. Vertical track. BEEP. Horizontal track. And the monitor announces...WELCOME MINISTER FEIHONG. Gin takes off the goggles, and... ...THROWS them across the room to Mac at the larger mainframe. As he repeats the scanning process, Gin is loading the precious CD-ROM into her mainframe's driver. Watches the screen... GIN Uploading. And you've got... two minutes, fifty seconds. WITH Mac now. Typing the words CONTROL PANEL. The screen now shows icons for time setting, and he clicks his mouse to create a CLOCK in the center of the screen, labeled LOCAL TIME, and reading 11:57:19, changing with each second that passes... MAC So let's see. Across town at the British Consulate... INTERCUT...frenzied activity in a large war room filled with computers, wall screens, every worker functioning at top speed... CONTINUE to hear Mac over this... MAC (V.O.) ...everyone is working frantically to complete transactions before they go off-line at midnight. CUT BACK to Mac in the vault. He clicks his mouse to create a clock at the LEFT of the screen, labeled BRITISH TERMINAL TIME. It is, of course, showing the same time as the local clock. MAC ...then, deep in the high-tech bowels of the Bank of China Building, just across the square... INTERCUT...an even larger war room, even better staffed and equipped. Everyone...doing...nothing. Staring at blank monitors and wall screens. MAC (V.O.) ...the Chinese are sitting on their thumbs, waiting to come on-line at midnight. CUT BACK to Mac in the vault. He clicks his mouse to create another clock at the RIGHT of the screen, labeled CHINA TERMINAL TIME. Shows the same time as the other clocks. 11:58:22. MAC I feel for these boys. Let's give them a breather, hmmn? CLICKS the mouse, and the BRITISH TERMINAL TIME begins FLASHING. MAC We'll let the Brits go off-line 4 seconds early. As the flashing clock reaches 11:58:30, and Mac HITS the key four times, advancing the British clock to 34 seconds, four seconds later than the others. MAC And we'll give our new Chinese overlords 4 extra seconds of rest before they have to go on-line. As the local and Chinese clocks reach 40 seconds, Mac HITS the key four times, regressing the Chinese clock back to 36 seconds. We watch all three clocks, clicking down the last moments of British rule. The British clock is 4 seconds FAST, the Chinese clock 4 seconds SLOW. MAC Playing God here, Ginger. We've created 8 seconds that do not exist, anywhere but in this room. LOCAL TIME...11:59:00. One minute to midnight. MAC 8 seconds, where no one is on-line but your little CD-Rom. He turns around. Her eyes are waiting. Across the room. MAC And when, eventually, everyone discovers what transaction XJ6 was really about... GIN China will think it happened before midnight. Britain will swear it happened after midnight... MAC They'll each be positive. The other guy. Did it. Mac sighs. This is a sad thing. MAC Liable to be an ugly international incident. She squints across at his clock. GIN Britain off-line in 18 seconds. We're bulletproof. His smile returns. Bittersweet and real... MAC Baby girl. Nothing. Is bulletproof. Ever. The look holds. He turns back to his screen. She lingers on him for an instant. Then, back to the mainframe, finger poised above her ENTER key... MAC Britain goes bye-bye in 6... 5...4...3. INTERCUT...The British Consulate. All screens go DARK. A logo APPEARS of a POPPING Champagne BOTTLE, whose spray forms a Union Jack twined with a PRC flag, everyone SHOUTS, cheers or curses, and we SMASH CUT... BACK to Gin...striking ENTER, the screen flashing TRANSACTIONS XJ6 PROCESSING. GIN (softly) Jesus God, it's going through. MAC (watching his clocks) Hong Kong midnight, happy new year. Except at China Bank. GIN (to her screen) C'mon, c'mon... Her screen flashes TRANSACTIONS XJ6 COMPLETED, hear her SHRIEK of ecstasy, as we... INTERCUT...Bank of China where dark screens suddenly LIGHT with the same stupid PARTY LOGO. Only nobody cheers. They just get to work. BACK TO the vault... MAC Feel like a nightcap? But across the way, Gin is JAMMING a button. Again. Again. GIN The CD won't come out of the driver. Houston. We have a problem. MAC Relax, don't jam it... GIN (jamming it) FUCKING THING!! He crosses the room. She's rummaging on a nearby desk, finds a LETTER OPENER. MAC Don't panic, now, there's no rush... GIN We can't leave it IN THERE, it's got all our accounts, everything that can NAIL us to a goddam CROSS!! She's fitting the letter opener INTO the narrow slot above the lid of the driver. MAC Easy with that, there's no ru... WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Every SIREN in the skyscraper is SHRIEKING, lights are FLASHING CRIMSON, Gin's screen says SECURITY BREACH in a selection of languages. Gin just staring at it. GIN There's a rush. The sirens are EAR-SPLITTING. We know that elsewhere in this building, all hell must be breaking loose. Gin is YANKING Mac's arm out of the socket... GIN LET'S MOVE IT, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING F... MAC The disc. Is still in there. Yeh. She stares at it. Really scared. GIN We can't help it, we...we've gotta... He stares at her. In one motion, he SNATCHES a stapler from the desk and SMASHES the driver with all his strength. It pops open. Calmly, he plucks her CD from the tray. She mouths a barely audible... GIN What a guy. But just as she's about to bolt...he holds up one hand. Slips another CD from his pocket. We see the words KENNY G. MAC Was wondering where to leave this... Pops it IN the drive. SLAMS it shut. MAC (quietly) Time to go. INT. CORRIDOR Mac and Gin RUNNING full tilt through the siren BLARE, turning a corner to see ahead... ...the balcony railing, the building's empty central CORE. Mac BOLTS straight TOWARD it, Gin sprinting to follow, lungs pounding, they reach the railing, looking DOWN to see... Hysteria, unimaginable chaos. Soldiers, black-tie partygoers, SCRAMBLING in all directions, looking to his left Mac sees... ...the bank of ELEVATORS, soldiers POURING in, some cars already RISING, fourth floor, fifth. Now he looks directly BELOW, where... ...soldiers are POUNDING up the metal service staircase, the front rank almost at the third floor. In the lobby, some faces look up to see us, but no one is shooting. GIN They don't know we're the bad guys. He PLUNGES his hand into her shoulder bag... MAC Time they find out. Pulls OUT two PLASMA GRENADES, and FLINGS one toward the elevator cables three floors down and it... ...EXPLODES in a horrifying FIREBALL, causing PANDEMONIUM in the lobby below, the elevator cables BLOWN AWAY, cars PLUNGING, the yellow smoke momentarily screening us from the soldiers far below, and Mac HURLS the second grenade... ...STRAIGHT DOWN and the fireball WIPES OUT the staircase, a huge section of ninth floor landing RAINING down on the lobby. GIN Okay. How do we get down? MAC Down? I never liked down. Grabs her hand and they RACE to the staircase, as smoke BILLOWS everywhere below. UP they go, two stairs at a time, the lowest glass-and-spiderweb-steel CANOPY is three floors above us, the cacophany of SHOUTS below is like an amplified insane asylum. He is dragging her now, up, up, BULLETS are flying blind through the smoke, CHEWING up metal and glass all around us, up, up, and as the smoke at last clears, they have reached... ...the canopy floor. They can see the army down below. Clutching her hand, Mac leads her OVER the railing, ONTO the canopy itself, and together they RUN... ...straight ACROSS the heavy glass toward the far side of the building, like space-walking above the throng 150 feet below, BULLETS now TRACING their path from beneath, SLAMMING OFF the underside of the bulletproof canopy, Gin SHRIEKING with fright as they go. We see ahead... ...three EXECUTIVE ELEVATORS beginning to climb the far wall. These are glass-enclosed tubes, all filled with soldiers, the car in the lead already at the tenth floor. Mac keeps running straight TOWARD them. GIN (out of breath) WE'VE GOT ONE MORE GRENADE! MAC (not) SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY! They make it to the edge of the canopy, the lead elevator only two floors below them. We can see the soldiers through the glass. Mac GRASPS her hand, and as the car nears our level... MAC You can do this. They LEAP across five feet of open air to... ...LAND squarely on the car's metal roof, Mac WRAPPING his free arm AROUND the cable, and UP we go. The ant colony below us receding fast. Gin is hanging onto the cable, petrified. Mac is looking up toward the roof. GIN Okay, now what? MAC (absently) Shut up. You're on a 'need-to- know' basis. GIN Mac, I'm sorry. He looks at her. Just now, she seems more miserable than afraid. GIN Turns out, I'm a screw-up. He doesn't smile. Passing the third canopy. MAC Well. Something to be said for being self-aware. Looks back up. Forty-first floor. Six to go. MAC May I have the last grenade, dear. It's about to rain. She blinks. Huh? So he reaches into her bag, pulls out the grenade, and THROWS it... ...STRAIGHT up. The roof above them EXPLODES in a FIREBALL, and SHIELDS her body against the wall of their shaft, as a huge SECTION of roof comes RAINING down. We watch as it... ...CRASHES through the upper canopy, TONS of roof and glass PLUNGING to... ...BLAST through the middle canopy, everyone below SCRAMBLING for shelter, as the whole shebang... ...EXPLODES through the lowest canopy. Gin can only GAPE at the incredible display. Mouthing a silent WOW. They've passed the second canopy, thirty-sixth floor. Still climbing. The other two elevators maybe five floors below us. MAC You see, banking will be more democratic under China. She looks to him. MAC Well. No more glass ceiling. The elevator car has STOPPED. We are at the roof. The soldiers are in the car beneath our feet, nowhere to get out. Above our heads. ...the last few feet of elevator cable. And starry sky, where our patch of roof used to be. MAC How refreshing. The night air. He begins to shimmy up the few feet of cable. At the top, he reaches out with one hand toward the lip of the remaining roof, GRABS it, LUNGES with his free hand, and... ...DANGLING 47 floors, he pulls himself UP, swings ONTO the roof. Reaches back down. She is only twelve feet below him. Frozen with fear. GIN I can't do this. MAC You can. If I say so. She stares up at his eyes. He smiles. MAC If you stay. You'll have to pay for the damage... She looks down at the mess below. And starts to climb the cable. Not so easy in a ball gown, but the adrenaline is pumping. Gets to the top. Here's the hard part. One hand reaches out... ...GRABS his. She lets GO. And she is DANGLING in space. MAC Now that split. Did we say 60-40? And with all his strength, hauls her up onto... ...the roof. Two-thirds of it remain. At the far edge, a gigantic MAINTENANCE CRANE, itself two stories high. But between here and the crane... ...a HELICOPTER. Big and beautifUl and empty. She looks like she's seen God. Mac starts to jog toward it, she runs to follow but sees him go... ...straight PAST the chopper. GIN HEY! He turns back. She points to the copter. It's over here. MAC Got the keys? Oh. GIN I thought you could...hot-wire stuff? Guess not. MAC They fix those things so you can't steal them... And keeps walking. Toward the monster CRANE. MAC These, they're not so worried. Moving fast, he points off to his right. Her eyes follow a long CABLE, leading from the arm of the crane, across the roof, attaching by a huge HOOK to a massive WRECKING BALL. MAC Go grab that hook. He reaches the crane's cab. Turns back to see she hasn't moved. MAC Let me rephrase that. Run and grab that hook. Or die... Got it? She takes off running. He hops IN the cab. PUSHES the start button. It rumbles to life. Tests some levers... GIN (O.S.) SHIT! DON'T DO THAT! He turns to see that he's tightened the cable, pulling her ball six feet in the AIR. She clings to the hook with a true death grip. He lowers her ball to the roof. Getting the hang of it. MAC This only works if you shut your eyes. Which makes her eyes BUG OUT. GIN You're not gonna lower me over the side. MAC Of course not. Now close baby eyes... (she won't) Suit yourself. He THROWS a lever and the crane's arm begins to SWING in a circle, finally taking the ball WITH it, and as she SCREAMS, Mac... ...POUNCES out of the cab, RACING along the edge of the roof, NOT toward the ball which is sweeping the hysterical Gin in a widening ARC, but toward the point where he thinks the ball will clear the edge, and JUST as it does, he... ...LEAPS aboard, throwing one arm around the hook, the other around her, and they go... ...OVER the side, WHOOSHING DOWN in a gigantic, every-increasing LOOP, as the endless steel cable UNWINDS from its huge drum like a fishing reel hooked onto a killer whale. GIN OH NOOOOOOOOOO.... The ride no theme park could insure, SWOOPING out ACROSS the skyline, DROPPING like an anvil, as the cable UNSPOOLS hundreds of feet, nothing but NOTHING for miles below them, Gin grabbing a breath to SHRIEK her guts out, as the monstrous pendulum reaches its max, begins to slow toward that one nauseating motionless instant... MAC Let go NOW!! He YANKS her loose, and they drop... ...four feet. The ball SWINGS OFF lnto space to some unknown mayhem. Clutching Mac, Gin looks WAY down to the street, and realizes they are standing on... ...a rooftop. Quiet, safe. Alone. MAC Planning. She WHIPS around, GLARING death at his eyes. MAC And dumb luck. She COLLAPSES in his arms, every muscle trembling in spasm, sobbing... GIN God, I hate you. He holds her tenderly. Kisses the top of her head. MAC (softly) Good. I hate you, too. EXT. NATHAN ROAD - EARLY MORNING WITH Gin in a soft brunette wig, walking briskly, light carry-all across her shoulder. Very early, even the busiest street in the world is less than that at this hour. Up ahead... ...Tsimshatsui Station, a tall man with a tourist shopping bag, leaning casually against a pole. Talking into a cellular. As she approaches, Mac doesn't seem to notice, but she can now hear his conversation... MAC (into phone) ...if I can't have my usual suite, I'll take my business to the Bristol, simple as that. He sees her now. Smiles small. MAC (into phone) ...why indeed should I be more loyal to you than you've been to me? Think it over. SNAPS the phone shut. MAC You ran your calls. She did. She is frankly exhilarated. GIN All the transactions, all the transfers. It's a miracle. MAC Why? The CD erased the trans- actions, all accounts seem in order. It looks like the thieves were stopped in time. She sighs. It is a miracle. GIN The Colonel says police have nothing. A man in black-tie, a blonde in a gown. The elevator guards saw faces, but no mug shots to ID. I think it's over. Mac's smile. Bittersweet affection. MAC Except it never is, really. Quite. Over. She smiles. It is easy, but dazzling. Atypically soft. GIN Well, one hopes not. The Bristol, huh? In...Paris? Ah. MAC You're not going back to Mr. Cruz, and the nine-to-five? GIN Not hardly. I've arranged to be killed in a car crash. On Taipei. Amazing how little it costs. MAC Well. You want to watch those pennies. She takes a breath. Scared, in an excited way... GIN I could arrange for two. In that crash. His smile back. He looks at his watch. Takes her hand. Leads her to the subway steps. MAC You know, for a bitch. You can be awfully sweet. GIN Woman of mystery. What do you say? I like the Bristol, just fine. mean, it's not the Ritz... MAC You know, all night I've been wrestling with something... GIN Not the most flattering way to put it. He takes his big tourist shopping bag. Puts it in her hand. MAC I've changed your travel plans. They are descending now. Into the vast underground train station. GIN Mine. MAC Instead of taking the subway to the airport, you change at Jordan Station for Kowloon Tong. Got that? Got that? MAC Jordan is only 90 seconds up the line. Like a wire transfer, you're gone. Vanished. He holds up a silencing finger. Listen to me. MAC In this bag are passports, tickets, papers. An amber wig, a good one. A dress you can slip on in five seconds. Her eyes moving over his face. What is this? MAC You're on a tight connection to the Trans-Siberian Express, be in Europe in a week. GIN Mac, wh... MAC Shhh. You always talk too much. They're at the booth. He pays their fare. Through the turnstiles, now. MAC Time has come to return the favor. One last time. Smiles at her. As they enter a tunnel. MAC Tell you. What business. I'm actually in. And in an instant of blind panicked clarity. She gets the whole thing. GIN (hushed) My God. You're a cop. MAC (very softly) That's my girl. Keep walking. People are everywhere. But they are alone in the world. MAC See, my profession was cover, too. A notorious thief has access to colleagues, their plans... He sighs. MAC I've turned in...well, couple hundred. over forty years. Scotland Yard, Interpol, FBI... Looking around the tunnel. MAC Thought I might retire. After you. GIN And all the...microchips, the diamond machine... MAC Well, the chips were returned. The machine was just a box, did you actually think it was real? Glances at her. GIN I thought...everything was real. Stupid girl. End of the tunnel in sight now. It leads to a massive, endless quai. Trains in transit. GIN Those were your jobs, so I could have claimed entrapment. You had to wait. For mine. Nearly there. He says nothing. Looks pretty grim. GIN The Oracle Bone... MAC Well, the State Department liked that one. They have more fish to fry with Beijing than Taiwan. He sighs. MAC So they're taking credit for letting it go through. Tho I'm afraid your Colonel may be in for a career disappointment. She stops walking. She has to know... GIN And the 5 billion. Ah. That. MAC I haven't told them. Gently, takes her arm. Leads her onto the endless train platform. Walking slower now. MAC I said you hadn't revealed the job. That it wouldn't take place until after the changeover. Down the platform they stroll. As her eyes wander... MAC Don't look, they're there. Her breath catches. Her eyes go down. GIN And my tickets. In the shopping bag? MAC Well. Kept my options open. If I give you up, they don't matter, do they? Her heart pounding through her chest. GIN If. MAC Had lots of crazy thoughts. One was retirement. With four billion dollars. After all, I know some places where life could be private... GIN But you couldn't do that, huh? They've stopped. Just two travellers in a strange land. waiting for a train. GIN Otherwise. They wouldn't be here. He nods. Smiling pleasantly. MAC Creature of habit. I suppose. We feel her adrenaline racing. GIN Lots. Of thoughts, you s... MAC Keep smiling. They won't move, until I raise my left arm. And so she smiles. As prettily as she can manage. MAC I thought. Well, I've got the CD. I could contact the banks, reverse all the transactions... A train is COMING. We HEAR it. MAC ...except maybe. Leave you with... oh, a hundred million, say. To tide you over. SEE the train. Slowing. Pulling in. MAC Then, I thought, nah. Not my style. With a SHRIEK of metal. The train PULLS toward us. MAC I figured. What the hell? What the hell? MAC Let her keep the lot. The train STOPS. The doors OPEN. People come out, people go in. Pouring around them. They are alone again. The subway doors stand open. Two feet away. She looks at them... MAC No rush. The doors won't close for 60 seconds. Sixty seconds. And still smiling... MAC There's a pistol in the bag. Reach in slowly. Take it out fast. Point it at my temple. She freezes to stone. MAC You can do it. If I say you can. And she...DOES IT. A blinding MOVE, the gun straight at his head, Mac miming fear, raising his hands to chill the agents we... WHIP PAN to see. Half a dozen, everywhere, but none too close. They REACT, pull their weapons, but it's a stand-off. BACK TO... Two people. Alone in the universe. MAC Step onto the car, keep the pistol trained on my face. She hesitates. Does as he says. Passengers are screaming, cringing, bolting for other cars. Our world is FROZEN. His hands raised... MAC Seems I was wrong. Gentle smile. MAC Entrapment. Is what robbers. Do to cops, huh? Her eyes are flooding. The gun is trembling. MAC Twenty seconds. Shoot me in the shoulder, it'll slow them down. Her pistol is shaking like she has palsy. Tears are on her cheeks. GIN Oughta shoot you in the face. MAC Come on, you can do it, if I sa... GIN No way. Not anymore. She sobs. She can't stand this. MAC Ten seconds, hold on. GIN When do I see you? There is no answer. There are no words. The doors HISS SHUT. She stares, training her pistol on him through the glass, his hands reaching back to hold off the agents, and the train... PULLS away. An instant to pick up speed, and it ROARS into a tunnel. Gone. Mac stands motionless as ALL HELL breaks loose around him, AGENTS rushing to his side, Mac shaking his head, calmly... Still staring after the train. MAC Airport. Changing at Mongkok Station, we can cut her off. Walkie-talkies WHIP out. These guys are the same the world over. We begin to CRANE UP... MAC She might lose the wig, be looking brunette or blonde, navy pants suit... AGENT I think Yaumatei changes for the airport, and it's closer. Keep PULLING UP, an AERIAL VIEW now, too high to see their faces... MAC (O.S.) I think you're wrong, but cover it. You got maybe four minutes. HIGHER still, the mob below an ant colony... MAC (O.S., calmly) No problem. She's trapped. But as the crowd parts. We can make out one lone man... Staring after. What has gone. FADE TO BLACK. ROLL END CREDITS.
"Erin Brockovich", early draft, by Susannah Grant ERIN BROCKOVICH A True Story by Susannah Grant February 1, 1998 EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SUBURB, MAIN DRAG - DAY Palms sway ... the sun washes everything in yellow ... cars motor down either side of the landscaped median ... the calls of mockingbirds mingle with the BLIP BLIP of car alarms. ON THE SIDEWALK, a SKATEBOARD CA-LUNKS down the sidewalk, past the foot traffic of Southern Californians: flip-flops, Doc Marten's, Rollerblades, Nikes ... then, in the middle of this pedestrian normalcy, a pair of IMPOSSIBLY HIGH SPIKE- HEELED PUMPS struts out of a shop. So high it hurts to look at them. As the shoes leave frame, we TILT UP and see they're leaving a 99-cent store. As the Pumps turn and head up the street, we see they are connected to a pair of IMPOSSIBLY LONG, SHAPELY LEGS. Eveready legs -- they just keep going and going. They saunter past two BUSINESSMEN on a lunch break. The men pause and glance as men tend to when they see a beautiful woman. In fact, everyone this woman passes lets their eyes rest on her a microsecond longer than usual. - Two SKATEBOARDERS note the STRETCHY MICRO-MINI skimming the tops of her thighs. - A MAILMAN spots the BIG, DARK SUNGLASSES tucked into a MOUNTAIN OF BIG, BLOND HAIR. - A PRE-TEEN GIRL glimpses the PLUNGING NECKLINE of the TIGHT, BRIGHT RED MIDRIFF-BARING BUSTIER. It isn't until she rounds the corner at the end of the block that we see her entire figure and appreciate why everyone is so goggle-eyed. Eye-catching is an understatement. All those folks who say Barbie's proportions are unrealistic have obviously never met ERIN BROCKOVICH. EXT. AROUND THE CORNER - DAY A side street. No pedestrians, just parked cars. A PARKING TICKET flaps under the wiper of an old Hyundai. ERIN Fuck. Even when she talks dirty, there's a heartland goodness to her voice. Like Kansas corn fields swaying in the breeze. As she grabs the ticket from the windshield, her sunglasses accidentally CLATTER to the ground. ERIN Shit. When she picks them up, a fingernail snags on the pavement. ERIN God damn it. She tends to the nail as she opens her car door and gets in. WIDER ON THE STREET The Hyundai starts it up, signals. Then, just as it pulls slowly out into the street, a JAGUAR barrels around the corner, accelerating out of the turn, and rams into the side of Erin's car, sending it CAREENING into the median. It SMASHES into a foot-thick lightpost. And stops. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY A boring building on a boring block in the Valley, surrounded by strip malls. Definitely not where the power lawyers work. ROSALIND (O.S.) Morning, Mr. Masry. How you doing today? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY Generic. Cottage cheese ceilings, motel art. A sign over the reception desk reads: MASRY & VITITOE, ATTORNEYS AT LAW. ED MASRY, senior partner, slumps by ROSALIND, his chipper receptionist, with a cup of coffee in his hand. He's in his mid-50's, compact and -- even though it's only 9 AM -- already rumpled. ED Don't ask that on Mondays, Rosalind. Whatever passion he once had for the personal injury law that is his career has long since dissipated. He trundles off toward his office. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed's secretary BRENDA -- 50's, jaded, hates her job, but what can you do? -- is on the phone when Ed rounds the corner. She puts the call on hold, turns to Ed. BRENDA Tony Marvin. ED Oh, Jesus. Who's responsible for his pain and suffering this time? BRENDA His dry cleaners. You want him? ED What do you think? What's this? He grabs a gift-wrapped bottle off her desk, reads the card. BRENDA Tequila. From your drug dealer friend. ED Carlos isn't a friend; he's a client. BRENDA He's a low-life. Speaking of which, that's your nine o'clock in there. Ed peers into his office. It's a mess -- papers everywhere, unopened mail. Standing in the middle of the room is Erin, in a teensy, leopard-print mini-dress. As she jiggles a spike-heeled foot, everything about her shimmies gloriously. Except her head, which is held in place by a neck brace. ED Whoa. (to Brenda) Remind me. BRENDA Erin Brockovich. Car accident. Not her fault, she says. (sarcastic) And she looks like such an honest girl, don't you think? ED You shouldn't judge, Brenda. BRENDA Right. Lap-dancers are people too. As Ed heads into his office, Brenda picks up the phone. BRENDA I can't find him, Tony. We'll have to call you back. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Not an office that exudes authority, and Ed's blustery entrance only adds to the sense of chaos. ED Erin -- hi. Sorry you had to wait. Here, sit down, sit down. He clears a stack of papers off a chair. ERIN Thanks a lot. (as she sits) I tell you, I never thought just standing would take it out of me, but ever since that shithead hit me, it feels like my whole body's put together wrong. Ed gives her a look of pro-forma sympathy. ED Jesus, you poor thing. (he sits) Well, listen, you came to the right place. Whoever did this to you made one hell of a mistake, and you and me, we're gonna make him pay for it. He takes out a pad and paper, gets ready to write. ED Why don't you tell me what happened? DISSOLVE TO: INT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA COURTROOM - DAY Erin is on the stand, wearing the most conservative thing she owns: a red, form-fitting mini dress, telling her story to Ed, who's questioning her. ERIN I was pulling out real slow, and out of nowhere, his Jaguar comes racing around the corner like a bat outta hell ... She glances at the defendant's table, where a DOCTOR sits nobly in surgical scrubs. His WIFE and two beautiful KIDS are behind him. A frigging Norman Rockwell painting. LATER IN HER TESTIMONY: ERIN They took some bone from my hip and put it in my neck. I didn't have insurance, so I'm about seventeen thousand in debt right now. STILL LATER: ERIN ... couldn't take painkillers cause they made me too groggy to take care of my kids. STILL LATER: ERIN ... Matthew's six, Katie's four, and Beth's just nine months. STILL LATER: ERIN ... just wanna be a good mom, a nice person, a decent citizen. Just wanna take good care of my kids. You know? ED (oh so moved) Yeah. I know. INT. COURTROOM - LATER Erin is still on the stand. But now the doctor's lawyer is questioning her. DEFENDING LAWYER Seventeen thousand in debt. Whew. Is your ex-husband helping out? ERIN Which one? DEFENDING LAWYER (feigning shock) There's more than one? ERIN Yeah. There's two. Why? Erin looks over at the jury. The personification of conservative family values. Oh, shit. LATER IN HER TESTIMONY: ERIN (getting defensive) ... not like a career, cause I had my babies. But I woulda worked, for sure, if I didn't have this neck thing. Erin sees a juror staring judgmentally at her short hem. Erin gives it a tug, pulling it down a stitch. DEFENDING LAWYER (sarcastic) Right. No doubt. Erin sees a few jurors share dubious glances. Great. STILL LATER: The defendant's lawyers is on the offensive. Erin's starting to feel the case slipping away. DEFENDING LAWYER So. You must've been feeling pretty desperate that afternoon. ERIN (pointed) What's your point? Ed shakes his head slightly to her -- don't get mad. DEFENDING LAWYER Broke, three kids, no job. A doctor in a Jaguar must've looked like a pretty good meal ticket. Erin sees jurors nodding almost imperceptibly in agreement. She's on a sinking ship. ERIN What? Hey -- he hit me. DEFENDING LAWYER So you say. ERIN He came tearing around the corner, out of control -- DEFENDING LAWYER An ER doctor who spends his days saving lives was the one out of control -- ERIN (erupting) That asshole smashed in my fucking neck! INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY The door to the courtroom flies open and Erin comes out, furious. Ed follows her as she heads for the elevator. ERIN Open and shut? Open and fucking shut? ED If you hadn't used profanity -- ERIN Oh, please, it was long over by then. God damn, he made me look like some cheap -- ED I told you the questions might get a little personal -- ERIN Bullshit. You told me I'd get half a million dollars. You told me I'd be set. Ed notices her ranting is starting to draw attention. ED Okay -- let's try and settle down here. ERIN Settle down? I got 74 bucks to my name, Mr. Masry! I can't afford to settle down! Beat. ED I'm sorry, Erin. ERIN Yeah? Well, fuck you. Sorry doesn't feed my kids. Erin turns away from him and heads for the stairway. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY A shitty little house in a shitty part of Northbridge. The Hyundai with a bashed-in side pulls up to the curb. Erin gets out, takes the mail from her mailbox, then heads over to the equally grim house next door and rings the bell. A Hispanic woman in her 60's opens the door, holding a white baby. This is MRS. MORALES. MRS. MORALES Hi, Erin! You're back so soon. How was it? She hands Erin the baby. It's BETH, Erin's 9-month old. Erin avoids the question by focusing on her baby. ERIN Hi, sweetie. Were you a good girl? Where are Matt and Katie? MRS. MORALES Outside with the sprinkler. So it's good? The truth is too depressing to share. ERIN It'll be fine, yeah. MRS. MORALES Ai, bueno. Because I didn't want to tell you before, with your worries -- ERIN What? MRS. MORALES My daughter, she's bought a big house with a room for me. I'm going to move in with her. ERIN You're moving away? When? MRS. MORALES Next week. ERIN (stunned) Wow, that's soon -- MRS. MORALES I know. But it's good for me. Now I can help my daughter take care of my grandkids. And it's good for you, too. Now you have money, you can find a good babysitter, huh? Not the old lady next door. Oh, God. In Erin's arms, Beth starts to COUGH. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin carries Beth up to her house. As she nears her door, she steps on a GIANT WATER BUG. It crunches under her sole. ERIN Ugh. Insult added to injury. She heads up to the house, dragging her shoe, wiping off the bug guts. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN LIVING/DINING SPACE - DAY Just as dull inside. Salvation Army furniture. A lot of beige. Erin's two older kids, MATTHEW (7) and KATIE (5) are at the table. Beth is in a baby seat. Erin spoons some Mac & Cheese onto their plates, trying to hide her worry. MATTHEW I don't like this part, it's all crusty. KATIE I like the crust. Erin switches the plates. ERIN Put your napkins in your laps and eat up. KATIE How come you're not eating? Cause there isn't enough food. ERIN Mamma's gonna eat later. From her baby seat on the table, Beth COUGHS some more. Thick, sick-sounding coughs. Erin looks at her. ERIN Don't go getting sick on me, baby. Okay? INT. ERIN'S BATHROOM - NIGHT The shower and sink are both on full, filling the room with STEAM. Erin is seated with COUGHING, CRYING Beth on her lap, trying to steam the illness out of her. ERIN It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. I promise. But her face doesn't look like she believes it. EXT. DRUGSTORE - DAY Matt and Katie are messing around with a gumball machine. INT. DRUGSTORE, AISLE - DAY Erin is holding Beth, wandering the aisles. She stops at the medicines, thinks for a long moment, then, hating herself, glances to make sure no one's looking, and picks up a bottle. INT. DRUGSTORE, AT THE REGISTER - DAY As a CUSTOMER steps away from the register, Erin steps up with the bottle in her hand and smiles at the CHECK-OUT LADY. ERIN Hi, remember me? I was in yesterday. Bought a whole mess of stuff? Round about five? CHECK-OUT LADY Honey, it's a zoo here at five. I'm lucky if I even see a face, much less remember it. ERIN Oh, shoot, yeah, I guess that'd be tough. Well, listen, I meant to buy my baby here some medicine, and by the time I got home, I realized I'd bought the adult stuff by mistake. And now, wouldn't you know, I can't find the receipt. I was wondering -- could I maybe exchange it anyway ... INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin feeds Beth her medicine, feeling miserable about it. ERIN Just remember. No matter what your Mamma does, lying and stealing is real bad. I don't ever wanna hear you doing something like that ... On the table beside her sit the classifieds. Row after row of want ads circled, then X-'d out in red. A WATER BUG crawls across the edge of the paper. ERIN ... Cause there's no excuse for it, you hear me? No excuse at all. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Midday. Ed enters with a cup of coffee in his hand. As he heads to his desk, he trips on a box of files. Coffee sloshes out of his cup, onto his shirt. ED Damn it! (calling out) Brenda! She pops her head in. BRENDA Yeah? He grabs a tissue, swabs his shirt, then kicks at the box. ED What the hell is this doing here? BRENDA It's those files you asked for. ED I didn't mean for you to leave them in the middle of the floor. Jesus. Look at me. What do I have this afternoon? BRENDA Nothing you can't show up for with a stain. As Ed checks his reflection in the glass wall of his office, he notices, on the other side: ERIN, standing in the middle of the secretaries' area, in a miniskirt and leather bustier, talking to MARIO, the firm's mentally challenged office boy. Mario heads away from her. ED What's she doing here? BRENDA Who? Ed goes to his office door and waves Mario over. ED Hey -- Mario -- what's she doing here? MARIO She works here. Ed looks back at her -- what the hell? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY The support staff -- mostly middle-aged women -- are all stealing glances at Erin. Ed comes up to her, all friendly. ED Erin! How's it going? Up close, the wear and tear of worry show on her face. ERIN You never called me back. I left messages. ED You did? Wow, sorry about that. (beat) Listen, Mario's a little not so bright. He seems to think that you said -- ERIN There's two things I can't stand, Mr. Masry. Being ignored, and being lied to. You did both. Glances skitter between the secretaries -- get a load of this. Ed lowers his voice. ED I never lied. I may have miscalculated -- that happens sometimes, but -- ERIN You said things would be fine, and they're not. ED I'm sorry about that. Really. But -- ERIN I don't need pity. I need a paycheck. And I've looked, but when you've spent the last six years raising babies, it's real hard to convince someone to give you a job that pays worth a damn. So I figure, since you're the one who said I was gonna be okay, you should be the one to hire me. Ed sees everyone watching him, listening. ED I'd love to help, Erin, but I'm sorry, I have a full staff right now, so -- He starts to escort her out, but she stays put. ERIN Bullshit. If you had a full staff, you'd have time to return your damn phone calls. She's backing him into a corner here. He shifts gears. ED Okay, look. If you really want to apply for a job here, you can do it the way everyone else does. Send in a rÈsumÈ, make an -- ERIN I'm not everyone else, Mr. Masry. I'm someone you made promises to that you didn't deliver on. I trusted you. With my kids' well-being. Now, I'm smart, and I'm hard- working, and I'll do anything. But if you think I'm leaving here without a job, you got another thing coming. Ed glances around the room. Not a whole lot of options here. He looks back at Erin. ED No benefits. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY A tight office lined with file cabinets and shelves. ANNA, the humorless file clerk, is showing Erin around. ANNA ... what we do in here is keep track of all the case files. That way, at any time, we can find out a case's status -- where it is in the office, stuff like that. We file 'em all here, alphabetically -- ERIN Oh, hell. (beat) I'm dyslexic. ANNA That's a joke, right? Erin shakes her head, no. Great, thinks Anna. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY As Anna shows Erin around the office, they pass JANE, the bitter office manager, and Brenda, at the coffee area. JANE Just last week, he told my sister we weren't hiring. BRENDA What's your sister look like? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT Ed is packing up his office. Erin sticks her head in. ERIN Mr. Masry? He turns, sees her. ED Yeah? ERIN I was wondering -- could you tell me who I'd talk to about maybe getting an advance on my paycheck? Just -- for the weekend. ED Jane's the office manager. She handles payroll and petty cash. But she leaves early on Fridays. ERIN Oh. Okay. That's okay. Ed looks at her a moment, sees that it's far from okay. ED Oh, for Christ's sake ... He takes out his wallet, looks in. ED All I have is hundreds. ERIN I don't wanna take your money, Mr. Masry. ED Bullshit, you don't. He slaps a hundred in her hand and leaves. When he's gone, she looks at the bill -- her life raft -- and gives it a great big kiss. EXT. BABYSITTER'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin is at the door, taking Beth from the BABYSITTER, a shabby, unkempt-looking woman in her 40's. Katie and Matt pull on their backpacks and troop out of the sitter's house. EXT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT Erin is leaving the store, carrying Beth in one arm and a bag of groceries in the other. Katie and Matt are each carrying a bag of groceries as well. They are all singing and moving with the jaunty step of the newly carefree. Katie spots a flower display outside the store. KATIE Mommy, can I get a flower? ERIN Sweetheart, you can get a whole big bunch. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT A small room with Salvation Army furniture. A BUNCH OF DAISIES is propped in a Ragu jar on Katie's bedside table. Matt and Katie are asleep in bed. Erin looks down at them, smiles, then kisses them good-night. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin comes out of the bedroom and softly closes the door. But just as the handle clicks into place, the house is filled with the DEAFENING ROAR of a MOTORCYCLE, REVVING and REVVING. It sounds as if it's gonna drive through the wall. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin steps out onto her front stoop and looks over at what used to be Mrs. Morales's house. A few MOTORCYCLES are parked on the lawn; A FEW BIKERS are drinking beer on the stoop; and one asshole is on his bike, REVVING HIS ENGINE. ERIN Hey! But of course he can't hear her. She walks over to him, stands right in his line of vision. ERIN HEY! He sees her and kills the engine. Everything about GEORGE HALABY is tough -- his denim, his leather, his bike, his long hair. Everything but his eyes, which twinkle like Santa's. GEORGE Well, hello to you, darlin'. ERIN What the hell do you think you're doing, making all that Goddamn noise? GEORGE Just introducing myself to the neighbors. ERIN Well, I'm the neighbors. There, now we're introduced, so you can shut the fuck up. The guys on the porch chuckle. Erin turns and starts back to her house. George hops off his bike and follows her. GEORGE Ooh, now, see, if I'da known there was a beautiful woman next door, I'da done this different. Let's start over. My name's George. What's yours? ERIN Just think of me as the person next door who likes it quiet, and we'll get along fine. GEORGE Now, don't be like that. Tell you what. How about if I take you out on a date to apologize for my rudeness? Erin shakes her head in disbelief and keeps walking. GEORGE Come on. Gimme your number, I'll call you up proper and ask you out and everything. She stops at her porch, turns to him. ERIN You want my number? GEORGE I do. ERIN Which number do you want, George? GEORGE You got more than one? ERIN Shit, yeah. I got numbers coming out of my ears. Like, for instance, ten. GEORGE Ten? ERIN Sure. That's one of my numbers. It's how many months old my little girl is. GEORGE You got a little girl? ERIN Yeah. Sexy, huh? And here's another: five. That's how old my other daughter is. Seven is my son's age. Two is how many times I been married and divorced. You getting all this? 16 is the number of dollars in my bank account. 454-3943 is my phone number. And with all the other numbers I gave you, I'm guessing zero is the number of times you're gonna call it. She turns and heads inside. He calls out after her: GEORGE How the hell do you know your bank balance right off the top of your head like that? See, that impresses me. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Morning. Erin walks in, wearing her usual garb. She passes the coffee area, where Jane, Brenda, and Anna are milling. Brenda sees her, gives Anna a nudge. They both check out her short hem. Anna nudges Jane, who looks as well. Erin glances over just in time to see all three of them staring at her judgementally. She stops in her tracks and stares back. ERIN Y'all got something you wanna discuss? The women go back to stirring their coffees. Erin walks on. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is walking into his office with a coffee cup in his hand when he trips over the same box of files again. ED Damn it! (calling out) Brenda! (no answer) BRENDA! INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY Erin is alone, filing as she talks on the phone. ERIN How long's she been crying like that? ... Well, she's got that tooth coming in -- Ed appears in the door, carrying the box of files. ERIN Give her a cold washcloth to suck on -- (sees Ed) I gotta go -- there's a clean one in that bag -- I'll check back in a bit. (hangs up) Sorry. My kid -- ED Where's Anna? ERIN Out to lunch with the girls. ED Oh. Huh. (beat) Well, look, I got this file I need valued. Real estate thing. A lady has some property next to a PG&E plant that PG&E wants to buy. I need to know what to ask for it. He plunks the box of files on her desk. She stares at it, with no idea of how to go about that. ERIN Oh. Okay. He sees her staring at the box. ED You do know how to do that, don't you? ERIN Yeah. I got it. No problem. ED Good. Ed heads out, but pauses before leaving. ED You're a girl. ERIN Excuse me? ED How come you're not at lunch with the girls? You're a girl. ERIN I guess I'm not the right kind. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - NIGHT Erin is at her desk, staring bewildered at the files from the box Ed gave her, which are now spread across her desktop. She sees Anna packing up her things, to leave. ERIN Anna? With this real-estate valuing stuff - - could you remind me, cause I'm a little confused about how exactly we do that. ANNA (exasperated) Erin, you've been here three weeks. If you don't know how to do your job by now, I am not about to do it for you. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Katie and Matt are running up to the house. Erin follows, toting Beth under one arm and the box of documents under the other. She steps on another water bug. ERIN Ugh. As she wipes the bug guts off the bottom of her shoe: GEORGE (O.S.) Hey, neighbor, wanna beer? She spots George on his stoop, with a six-pack beside him. ERIN No. GEORGE C'mon. I bought 'em for you, to make up for that night. ERIN Return 'em. Maybe you'll get your money back. He gets up and follows her to her house. GEORGE Now, why're you giving me such a hard time? I'm just trying to be a good neighbor. Erin turns to him. The kids are waiting at the door. ERIN I had a good neighbor, George. She was 60 and Mexican and she watched my kids for free. Something tells me you're not gonna be able to measure up to that. GEORGE You need help with your kids? I could probably do that. George reaches out and grabs the box from under her arm. ERIN I'm not gonna leave my kids with you. GEORGE Why not? ERIN Cause I don't even know you. GEORGE Yeah, and whose fault is that? He's got a point there. After a beat: GEORGE What, you got so many friends in this world, you don't have use for one more? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT George is on the floor with Matt and Katie, playing War. Katie points to the Harley emblem on his leather jacket. KATIE What's that stand for? GEORGE That's for Harley Davidson. The best damn motorcycle ever made. Erin comes in from the kitchen. ERIN And if I catch either of you anywhere near one, I'll knock you silly. Go on to bed, now -- I'll come tuck you in in a minute. They get up ... GEORGE Night. KATIE/MATT Night. ... and head into bed. George starts cleaning up the cards. GEORGE Great kids. Erin bends down to help him. ERIN Yeah. I'm probably ruining them. GEORGE How? ERIN I'm never here. I gotta leave 'em with this weird sitter all afternoon who costs a fortune and smells like chicken fat. GEORGE I was serious before, you know. If you need someone to keep an eye on them -- after school or something -- I don't have a job now, so I'm around in the afternoons. ERIN Great. Another deadbeat. GEORGE I'm not a deadbeat. I work when I need to. ERIN Yeah? And what do you do the rest of the time, live off your trust fund? GEORGE I do construction, which pays real good. And I make it last by living cheap. ERIN (with a little laugh) I hope that's not supposed to impress me. GEORGE Are you this hard on everyone who tries to help you? ERIN It's been a while. Maybe I'm just out of practice. GEORGE Then lemme remind you, the polite thing is to say, thank you, that's a real nice offer, I don't mind taking you up on it. ERIN Why in the hell would you want to watch my kids? GEORGE Cause I like kids. I like hanging out with them. ERIN Right. She starts cleaning up the cards. GEORGE I do. I like how they keep it all simple, you know? They don't get all complicated about life, like grown-ups do. A bicycle and an ice cream cone -- boom, done, they're happy. Erin thinks about the offer. ERIN You're around every afternoon? GEORGE Yup. Usually working on my bike. (she's tempted) No big deal. If it doesn't work out, you can send 'em back to the chicken fat lady. Tempting. Erin looks him over. ERIN This isn't gonna get you laid, you know. GEORGE (with a laugh) Yeah, we'll just see about that, won't we? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The wee hours. Erin's in a t-shirt, sitting on her mattress on the floor. The paperwork from the box is now spread all over the floor around her. She's reading a letter. CLOSE ON THE LETTER It's from PG&E, to Donna and Peter Irving. We see the phrases, "purchase your house ...", "fair market value ..." CLOSE ON ANOTHER DOCUMENT It's a list of comparable house sales in the area. Owner, cost; owner, cost. Every house is in the $65,000 range. From another room, she hears the sound of BETH CRYING. Still reading the file, Erin gets up and goes into: INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BETH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Still reading, Erin gets Beth out of her crib. Beth quiets. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin lies down on the mattress and rests Beth on her chest. She sets down the file she was reading and picks up another. CLOSE ON THE FILE It contains a letter from a Dr. Howard Reeves. The first paragraph contains the phrase "... medical examination of Donna and Peter Irving ..." Toward the end of the letter, there are two columns. One is headed: "IN RANGE". The other: "OUT OF RANGE". Under that head appear the following: "lymphocytes, T-lymphocytes, natural killer cells, T Helpers, T8 suppresser cells". Erin stares at it, confused. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY Erin is talking to Jane, who's pouring herself coffee. ERIN It was in this real estate file I'm valuing. And -- see, I know they're the medical records from the people selling the house -- but it talks about things like lymphocytes and T8 suppressers. Erin sees Ed pass behind Jane. She lowers her voice, so he won't see her asking for help. ERIN I mean, it's not a problem or anything, but -- I'm just a little unclear on what those things are. I thought maybe you'd know. JANE What do I look like, Erin? A library? And Jane walks away with her coffee. EXT. UCLA MAIN LIBRARY - DAY Large. Looming. Very establishment. Through the windows, we see Erin at the desk, talking to a LIBRARIAN. She has the file in her hands. Over this: ROSALIND (O.S.) Masry & Vititoe, can I help you? ERIN (O.S.) Hi, Rosalind, this is Erin. Brockovich. From the file room? I was wondering if you could tell Mr. Masry that I'm following up on that real estate thing out of the office. The librarian gives her directions to somewhere else. EXT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY Smaller, but still establishment. Erin's Hyundai pulls into the parking lot. INT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY Erin is at the reference desk, eating a candy bar while she talks to the LIBRARIAN. He checks something on the computer. A couple of WHITE-COATED MEDICAL STUDENTS pass her, double- taking. They don't see many like her around here. INT. UCLA SCIENCE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY A long, academic hallway lit by fluorescents. Erin gets off an elevator and heads down the hall. She finds a door with a nameplate that reads "Jim Paulsen, Epidemiology" and KNOCKS. The door opens and DR. JIM PAULSEN appears. He's a classic scientist: unruly hair, thick glasses. Nothing like Erin has ever shown up at his door. He reels at the sight of her. ERIN Dr. Paulsen? PAULSEN Yes? ERIN Hi, I'm Erin Brockovich. I was just over in the library there, asking a mess of questions about -- I guess they call it epidemiology? -- and the fella there told me to find you, cause you know all about it. PAULSEN (suspicious) Is this a joke? Did Baxter put you up to this? ERIN Who's Baxter? PAULSEN He did, didn't he? Baxter! BAXTER, another scientist, leans out of a door down the hall. BAXTER Yeah? Baxter and Erin look at each other. No recognition, of course. Paulsen is immediately embarrassed. PAULSEN Oh. Oh. ERIN No one put me up to anything. I was just hoping I could ask you a couple questions. PAULSEN (mortified) Of course! Oh, gosh, of course -- INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY Orderly chaos. Dr. Paulsen, still recovering, has Erin's file in his hands. Erin is sitting across from him. PAULSEN Well, look, there isn't a ton of information here, but from what there is, I'd say that these two people here -- what are their names? Shanna and Ashley? ERIN Right, I guess those are the kids -- PAULSEN They've both got some immune system problem. Can't say what from, whether it's viral or genetic or what, but something's wrong. And these guys -- Donna and Peter -- ERIN Their parents, I'm pretty sure. PAULSEN Well, from what this stuff says, I'd say they both have some form of cancer. Wow. That's more serious than Erin was expecting. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE ON THE FILE on the kitchen counter. The Irvings' phone number is written on the front. A PHONE IS RINGING. ERIN (O.S.) Whoa, whoa! Easy, easy, easy -- WIDEN to see Erin, phone to her ear, grabbing a carton of juice from Matt and Katie, who are fighting over it at the table. Just as she takes it from them, the phone picks up. DONNA'S VOICE (O.S.) Hi! You've reached the Irvings. Leave a message and we'll get back to you just as soon as we can. Bye-bye. BEEP. Erin thinks a bit, then hangs up and looks at the file. Scrawled on the cover is the Irvings' address, in Hinkley, California. EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - DAY The beat-up old Hyundai heads east out of L.A. DISCO MUSIC blares from its speakers. EXT. HINKLEY, CA - DAY This is a dry, desolate part of California. No downtown, no community. Just tract after tract of arid farmland, with small, bland, unprotected ranch home cropping up out of the landscape like occasional tombstones. A beat-up old sign on the road reads: "HINKLEY, CA. POP: " but the corner where the number would be has broken off. As a gust of wind lifts dust from the fields, Erin turns onto Community Boulevard, the main road that cuts through Hinkley. INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - DAY Erin looks around. The house she's passing has been razed. A heap of lumber and wires in the middle of the property. As she checks the piece of paper with Donna's address, she drives by the PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION, a massive gray structure of pipes, chimneys and ladders, set way back from the road. Erin passes it without noticing it. She stops at an intersection. The house on the corner has been boarded up with plywood. Erin notices it -- depressing -- then turns the corner onto Donna's street. EXT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE - DAY A generic ranch home standing all alone in the middle of nothing. There's a pool out back and a chain link fence hugging the property. No landscaping. Dull, but clean. A few BOTTLES OF SPRING WATER wait by the door. The Hyundai pulls into the driveway and stops. Erin gets out. As she heads up to the door, her spike heels sink into the dirt. She rings the bell. It has a melody chime. DONNA IRVING opens the door. She's 35, petite, with a scrappy, high-strung manner. She's wearing tight jeans, and her dark curls are piled on top of her head. ERIN Hi. Donna Irving? DONNA Yes? ERIN I'm Erin Brockovich, from Masry & Vititoe? DONNA (a little surprised) You're a lawyer? ERIN Hell, no. I hate lawyers. I just work for them. You got a minute? INT. THE IRVINGS' HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY The house is furnished with little money, but lots of care. Erin's on a plaid couch, in a sea of needlepoint pillows. Out back, two GIRLS, ages 9 and 11, are playing in a pool. ERIN This is a real nice place you got here. DONNA (O.S.) Well it oughta be, with all the work I put into it. She comes out from the kitchen with a tray of iced tea. DONNA I added air conditioning, put in the pool, made all those pillows by hand ... ERIN Yeah? I should learn to do stuff like that. They make the place feel real homey. Donna corrects the positioning on a couple of pillows. DONNA Thank you. I think so too. That's why I'm being such a stickler on this house price thing. I don't mean to be a pain in PG&E's backside, especially after all they've done for Hinkley, but I look around here and I think, if they want this place, they're gonna have to pay for it. And I don't just mean pay for the house; I'd like them to pay me for the trouble of starting over. ERIN Right. DONNA Cause first you gotta move, then there's decorating, and if the windows aren't the same size, you know -- you're making all new curtains. Honest to God, I don't know if I have the energy. You know, I've been sick. Me and Peter both have. ERIN Yeah, I'm real glad you brought that up. I was going through your file here, and I ran into these medical records. They kinda surprised me -- This would be the perfect opportunity for many to get self- pitying. But not Donna. Life's handed her a shitload of lemons, and darned if she hasn't made a shitload of lemonade. DONNA I know. They're more than a bit unusual. See, two years ago, Pete got Hodgkin's disease. That's a kind of cancer -- ERIN Yeah, I'm real sorry to hear that. DONNA Thank you. It's in remission now, thank the Lord, but you never know. And then while that's going on, I end up having to have a hysterectomy. Plus a whole mess of lumps removed from my breasts. All benign so far, but still, no matter how positive you stay, an operation can still take it out of you. ERIN I'll say. Holy moley. DONNA So the whole idea of selling the house -- don't get me wrong, I'd be glad to move to some better place, but if they aren't gonna pay us properly, I just don't see the point. ERIN Yeah, I can see that. (beat) I guess the only thing that confused me is - - not that your medical problems aren't important, but -- how come the files about them are in with all the real estate stuff? Donna tops off their iced teas. DONNA Are you kidding? With how our lives are, if I start subdividing files, I'll be sunk. I just kept all PG&E correspondence in one place. ERIN Right, but -- I'm sorry, I don't see why you were corresponding with PG&E about it in the first place. DONNA Well, they paid for the doctor's visit. ERIN They did? DONNA You bet. Paid for a check-up for the whole family. And not like with insurance where you pay, then wait a year to be reimbursed, either. They just took care of it. Just like that. We never even saw a bill. ERIN Wow. Why would they do that? DONNA Cause of the chromium. ERIN The what? DONNA The chromium. Well, that's what kicked this whole thing off. INT. IRVING HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY CLOSE ON A BOX, with "CHROM INFO" scrawled on it. DONNA (O.S.) PG&E came around a few years ago, told us they put chromium in our well by mistake. And since we shouldn't have to drink it if we don't want to, they gave us free spring water and offered to buy our house. WIDEN to see Donna pulling the box down into the room. ERIN What's chromium? DONNA It's a chemical they used over at that compressor station up the road there. ERIN Well, hell, maybe that's why you all have been so sick -- DONNA I thought the same thing, right off the bat. That's why we went to see the doctor. But hunh-uh. Turns out one's got nothing to do with the other. She rifles through the box. DONNA This is the info they gave us. You'll see if you look through it, chromium's good for you. When I saw what they charged for it at the health-food stores, I about fainted. She hands Erin a printed fact sheet. Erin scans it. ERIN Seems like an awful big coincidence -- your water being messed with and you being so sick. DONNA Not around here. This is a rough part of the world. Hard times, not a lot of money, not a lot of luck. (beat) It's a challenge, staying healthy in a town like this. Heck, even our dogs up and die. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin's driving away from Donna's house. A street lamp throws light on the box of chromium documents in the passenger seat. She gets to an intersection and looks across the street at the massive COMPRESSOR STATION. Six stories high, lit up like a Christmas tree, with all sizes of PIPES criss-crossing the outside and GIANT COOLING TOWERS sticking up out of it. Far more massive than anything else in town, it looms over the horizon like the Capitol in D.C. or St. Peter's in Rome. Erin takes a long look at the compressor station, then turns onto Community Boulevard and drives away. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin is holding Beth, making her a bottle, when she hears NOISES coming from outside. She follows them. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin opens the door to find George attaching bars to her windows. ERIN What're you doing? GEORGE Better safe than sorry. She shakes her head, amused by his persistence. ERIN You want some coffee, George? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT George follows Erin in. GEORGE I'm gonna put a dead bolt on your front door, too. This isn't exactly the safest neighborhood in the world, you know. ERIN Thanks for reminding me. GEORGE I guess we get what we pay for, huh? Erin pours him some coffee, hands it to him. ERIN You think it could make you sick, living in a place like this? GEORGE What do you mean? George settles in, helps himself to sugar. ERIN I was talking to this lady -- she and her husband both got cancer, and she thinks it's cause they live in a bad neighborhood. You think that's possible? That living in a bad neighborhood could give you cancer? George laughs a little at the thought. GEORGE Man, I hope not. You got enough damn problems. But Erin's still mulling it over. EXT. NORTHRIDGE, ERIN'S BLOCK - DAY Erin clips down the block in short-shorts and high-heeled boots. Up ahead a few of DOWN-ON-THEIR-LUCK MEN are out on a stoop, drinking their breakfast. Erin approaches them. ERIN Hi, y'all -- how you doing today? MAN 1 Hangin' in, baby. How about yourself? ERIN I'm okay, I'm just fine. I was wondering -- could I maybe ask you a couple questions? She settles down on the stoop with them for a chat. INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY Dr. Paulsen and Erin are sitting, talking. He's thrilled to have her back in his office. ERIN ... and when I realized our area's just as bad as Hinkley, I thought maybe my neighbors are all sick too. So I went and asked. PAULSEN (surprised) You did? Erin digs a pad of paper out of her bag. ERIN Uh-huh. Spent the last few days knocking on doors. And you know what? They're not. (reads from the pad) I mean, they got problems, but none of this cancer stuff. And their pets are fine. So I don't know -- I just can't shake the feeling that it wasn't no multivitamin they put in the water. PAULSEN Well, if you're talking about contamination, you're getting out of my area of expertise. Let me give you the name of a toxicologist friend of mine over at USC. Paulsen reaches for a notepad, scrawls on it. INT. UCLA MEDICAL BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Paulsen is seeing Erin out of his office. PAULSEN I gotta say, Erin -- first time I saw you, I did not peg you as the kind to go off and conduct her own epidemiological study. ERIN Don't go telling anyone. It'll ruin my reputation. EXT. USC CAMPUS - DAY Erin towers over DAVID FRANKEL as she walks across campus with him. He's the grittier variety of scientist: Patagonia, Birkenstocks, bushy beard. He's as dry as dust, and as much as Dr. Paulsen responded to Erin, Frankel barely notices her. FRANKEL What kind of chromium is it? ERIN There's more than one kind? FRANKEL Yes. There's straight-up chromium -- does all kinds of good things for the body. There's chrom 3, which is fairly benign, and then there's chrom 6, hexavalent chromium, which, depending on the amounts, can be very harmful. ERIN Harmful, like -- how? What would you get? FRANKEL With repeated exposure to toxic levels -- God, anything, really -- respiratory disease, liver failure, heart failure, reproductive failure, chronic headaches, bone or organ deterioration -- plus, of course, any type of cancer. He rattles it off coolly. Just facts. Erin's stunned. ERIN So that stuff -- it kills people. FRANKEL Oh, yeah. Definitely. Highly toxic, highly carcinogenic. Bad, bad stuff. ERIN Well, how do I find out what kind of chromium is up in Hinkley? FRANKEL Have you been to the water board? ERIN Hunh-uh. What's that? FRANKEL Every county has one. They keep records of anything water-related within their jurisdiction. You should be able to find something there. ERIN County water board. All righty, thanks. FRANKEL Good luck. (beat) Oh -- I wouldn't advertise what you're looking for if I were you ... His line continues over: EXT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL WATER BOARD - DAY Erin's Hyundai pulls up and stops in a cloud of dust. FRANKEL (O.S.) ... Incriminating records have a way of disappearing when people smell trouble. Erin hops out, checks her reflection in the side-view mirror, then heads into the building. INT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL COUNTY WATER BOARD - DAY Drab, government-issue. ROSS, the bored desk clerk is thumbing his way through ROAD & TRACK. Just as he stops to stare at a motor oil ad in which a buxom blonde is straddling the hood of a car, the huge door opens and Erin enters. ERIN Whew! Goddamn, that's a heavy door. Ross looks up. It's like the girl from the ad walked right off the page. He jumps up, to help her with the door. ROSS Oh, hey -- lemme give you a hand there. ERIN Thank you very much. Aren't you a gentleman? Mr. ... ROSS Ross. ERIN Ross. Real pleased to meet you. I'm Erin. She smiles. He can't believe his luck. ROSS Erin. Cool. What can I do for you, Erin? ERIN Well, believe it or not, I am on the prowl for some water records. ROSS (with a laugh) You come to the right place. ERIN (laughing along) I guess I did. ROSS You just tell me what you want to look at and I'll be glad to dig 'em out for you. ERIN I wish I knew. It's for my boss. He's fighting his water bill, and he wants me to find all manner of bills from all kinds of places. The easiest thing would probably be if I just squeezed back there with you and poked around myself. Would that be okay? ROSS Heck, yeah. Come on back. Just gonna need you to sign in here -- He hands her a pen. He reads over her shoulder as she signs her name -- Erin Pattee Brockovich. ROSS Pattee? That your middle name? ERIN Nope. Maiden. ROSS (disappointed) You're married. ERIN Not anymore. She smiles and winks at him, then goes around the counter with him and looks at the stacks and stacks of files. ERIN Well. Here goes nothing. She heads down an aisle, reading the spines of the files. They're all town names -- Barstow, Victorville, Oro Grande, Helendale -- in no particular order. Finally, Erin spots one that says Hinkley. She pulls it down. IN THE FILE are pages and pages of Xeroxed memoranda, letters, charts, graphs, handwritten notes. All shoved in willy-nilly. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY George is watching a football game on TV. He's just put TV dinners on the floor in front of the Matt and Katie. MATT Our mom gives us sandwiches on Fridays. GEORGE That's a sandwich. KATIE No, it's not! GEORGE Sure it is. Here, I'll show you. He picks up Matt's chicken, tears it in two ... GEORGE Most people think a sandwich's gotta have bread on the outside. Not true. Chicken is a perfectly good outside for a sandwich. ... then places the broccoli neatly between the halves. GEORGE See? Katie and Matthew look at it, then up at George, and smile. This guy just might be all right, after all. EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT It's gotten dark. Erin's Hyundai's still there. INT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT Erin is on the floor, her legs stretched out in front of her. She has a bunch of files open and spread across the floor. The one in her hand has caught her attention. INSERT ON THE PAPER It's a memo titled "CLEAN-UP AND ABATEMENT ORDER" from the water board to PG&E. Erin is concentrating hard on it, reading laboriously to herself. ERIN (O.S.) "... On December 7, 1987, the discharger notified the regional board and the San Bernardino County Environmental Health Services of the discovery of 0.58 ppm of hexavalent chromium in an on-site ground water monitoring well ..." (beat) ... hexavalent ... INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY CLOSE ON A XEROX OF THE ABATEMENT ORDER. WIDEN to see it is on top of a stack of papers that Erin is carrying as she enters the office. She has an efficient air about her -- a sense of purpose. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY Erin swoops in, ready to work, only to find her desk cleared off. She turns to Anna, who's already hard at work. ERIN Where's my stuff? Anna looks up. ANNA Where've you been? ERIN What the fuck did you do with my stuff? ANNA Don't use language with me -- But Erin's out the door before Anna can finish her sentence. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY JANE is at her desk. Erin barrels in. ERIN Someone stole my stuff. JANE Nice to see you, Erin. We've missed you. ERIN I had photos of my kids, plus a mug -- Jane reaches under her desk for a box, looks through it. JANE -- toothbrush, toothpaste, and a pair of hose. Here. ERIN What's going on? JANE There may be jobs where you can disappear for days at a time, but this isn't one of them. Here, if you don't do the work, you don't get to stay. She hands her the box. Erin doesn't take it. ERIN I've been working. Shit, that's all I've been doing. Ask Mr. Masry. He knows. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed's at his desk, dialing the phone when Erin barrels in. ERIN You said to fire me? He sets down the receiver. ED Erin, you've been gone for a week. ERIN I left a message. I've been dealing with that real estate thing. I was gonna write up a whole damn report and -- ED That's not how we work here. You don't just leave a message and take off. Jane follows her in, still carrying the box of stuff. ERIN What am I supposed to do, check in every two seconds? JANE Yes. It's called accountability. ERIN I am not talking to you, bitch. JANE Excuse me? ED Okay, enough -- (beat) Now, look, Erin -- this incident aside, I don't think this is the right place for you. So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on your behalf. Find you something else, okay? ERIN Don't bother. She turns to Jane, takes her box, and heads out. ED Come on, I'm trying to help here. ERIN Bullshit. You're trying to feel less guilty about firing someone with three kids to feed. Fuck if I'll help you do that. And she leaves. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY As Erin heads for the door, pleased glances fly from secretary to secretary. Erin reaches the door, but can't open it with the box in her arms. She turns to the room. ERIN I don't suppose any one of you cunts could open the fucking door for me. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin's Hyundai rumbles to a stop in front of the house. Erin shoves open the creaky, reluctant door, lifts her box of stuff off the seat, and gets out. As she walks around the car and toward the house, she runs into the MAILMAN. He hands her a packet of mail. MAILMAN Here ya go, Miz Brockovich. Erin looks at the top of the stack. It's the electric bill. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Erin enters, puts down the box and stares at the mail. Bills, bills, and more bills. As she throws them on the table, she sees George coming out of the kitchen. ERIN What are you doing here? GEORGE Fixing a leak under your sink. She heads into the kitchen, weary and irritated. ERIN I didn't ask you to do that. Damn it, George, I don't ask you to do things like that. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin enters, sees all the cleaning stuff from under the sink is spread around the kitchen floor. A tool box lies open. ERIN Great. GEORGE I'm gonna clean it up. Erin gets down on her knees and starts putting things away. GEORGE Relax, Erin, I'll do it -- I'm not -- Before he can finish, a huge WATER BUG runs onto Erin's hand. ERIN Ugh -- Jesus -- She jumps and brushes it off. GEORGE Yeah -- you had a whole family of those things hanging out back there. She takes off her shoe and smacks at the bug, missing it. ERIN Damn it -- The bug skitters away from her, along the floorboard. Erin chases it, smacking at it repeatedly, missing it every time. GEORGE Don't worry about it, I'll get it later. But Erin keeps after it, corralling all her frustrations into killing that one bug. ERIN Come here, you little motherfucker -- The bug crawls up onto the table, zipping behind the salt, the pepper, the napkin holder. Erin keeps after it, BANGING the table harder and harder with each SMACK of her shoe. GEORGE Hey, whoa -- relax -- The salt and pepper skid off the table. The napkins fly from their holder. Just as Erin's about to nail the bug, it slips into a crack in the wall and disappears. Erin hurls her shoe at the crack. It SMASHES into the wall. ERIN GOD DAMN IT! As Erin stands there staring at the wall, her breath starts to come heavily -- those deep breaths that precede tears. She slowly slides down into a chair, defeat overcoming her. ERIN (almost a whisper) ... God damn it. She looks around at her for-shit kitchen and starts to cry. ERIN What kind of person lives like this? Huh? What kind of person lets her kids run around in a house crawling with bugs the size of housecats? GEORGE It's a simple thing. Everybody gets them. All we gotta do is call an exterminator. ERIN I can't call an exterminator. I can't afford one. God, I can't even afford my phone. (beat) I got fired. GEORGE What? But you been working so hard -- ERIN Doesn't matter. Doesn't make one bit of difference. (then, fragile) Oh God, George, how'd this happen to me? How'd I end up so ... so nothing? George picks a napkin up off the floor, hands it to her. GEORGE You're not nothing, Erin. ERIN Well, I'm sure as hell not what I thought I was gonna be. I was supposed to have one of those great lives, with everything all laid- out and perfect. I mean, hell -- I was Miss Wichita, for God's sakes. Did I tell you that? You live next door to a real live beauty queen. (wipes her nose) I still got the tiara. I kept it cause I thought it meant something. I thought it meant I was gonna do something great with my life. I thought it proved I was gonna grow up to be someone. GEORGE You are someone. ERIN No I'm not. Look at me. I'm not. GEORGE You're someone to me. (beat) You're someone real special to me. He takes a step toward her and kneels in front of her, very close. He takes her shoe from her hand and puts it back on her foot. Then he takes her hands in his and kisses them. ERIN I'm no good, George. I make people miserable. But he kisses her anyway. And for the first time in so long, she feels like something other than a failure. He pulls her into him, and she lets herself be pulled. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY Erin and George are in bed, naked, curled around each other. GEORGE Man. Even your earlobes are beautiful. He kisses one. ERIN Don't be too nice to me, okay? It makes me nervous. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is at his desk. The PHONE RINGS. And RINGS. And RINGS. ED Brenda! (no answer) BRENDA! Nothing. Ed growls in frustration, then gets the phone. ED Yeah, Ed Masry here ... She doesn't work here anymore. Who's this? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE ON THE TABLE, where Beth is bobbing in her baby chair. On one side of her is a heap of bills with "PAST DUE" and "PLEASE REMIT" stamped on them. On the other, the well- thumbed CLASSIFIED SECTION, with circles and X's all over it. The DOORBELL rings. Erin swoops in and picks up Beth. ERIN Come on, baby. Maybe that's Ed McMahon. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY Erin carries Beth over to the front door, spies through the peephole, and sees Ed standing there. She opens the door. ERIN What are you doing here? ED I got an interesting call this afternoon. It was from a Dr. Frankel. ERIN Oh, yeah? ED He wanted you to know the legal limit for hexavalent chromium, is .05 parts per million. And that at the rate you mentioned, .58, it could be responsible for the cancers in that family you asked about. The Irvings. ERIN Well, that was nice of him. Isn't it funny how some people go out of their way to help people and others just give 'em the ax? ED Look, I'm sorry. You were gone. I just assumed you were off having fun. ERIN Now, why in the hell would you assume that? ED I don't know. Maybe cause you look like someone who has a lot of fun. ERIN Boy, are you ever a shitty judge of people. Ed takes a beat, copping to the charge. ED So what's the story on this thing? This cancer stuff? ERIN You wanna know, you gotta hire me back. I got a lot of bills to pay. He glares at her. Realizes he has no choice. ED Fine. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER Erin has let Ed in. They're sitting. ED But, PG&E told her about the chromium? ERIN They told her something, but it can't have been too specific, cause I talked to her, and she sure didn't think her water was bad. ED So what made you think it was? ERIN It doesn't take a genius to look at those medical records and think something's wrong. ED What medical records? ERIN The ones in the box of files. (off Ed's blank look) The box of files? The one from your office? ED I didn't see any medical records in there. ERIN Boy, you musta really fine-tooth-combed it then, huh? (to herself) And you fired me. Jesus. Ed thinks for a moment. ED That document you found, the one that says it was the bad chromium -- you didn't happen to make a copy did you? ERIN Course I did. ED Lemme see it, will you? Before getting it for him, she looks at him, weighs her odds. ERIN I want a raise. And benefits. Including dental. ED Look, Erin, this is not the way I do business, this extortion nonsense. Erin doesn't budge. ED Okay. A 5% raise, and -- ERIN Ten. (off his look) There's a lot of other places I could work. ED A ten percent raise and benefits. But that's it. I'm drawing the line. She goes to her box of stuff from the office and digs out the document for him. He scans it. ED This is the only thing you found? ERIN So far. But that place is a pig sty. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more. ED Find out. EXT. 10 FREEWAY - DAY Erin's Hyundai zips along the freeway. "Funky Town" is blaring from the tinny stereo. Over it: MATTHEW (O.S.) I hate this music. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin's driving. Matthew's in the front seat. Katie and Beth (in a car seat) are in the back. ERIN There's no way a son of mine hates Funky Town. It's impossible. MATTHEW Well I hate it. KATIE I hate it too. I hate this trip. ERIN Oh, come on, where's your sense of adventure? We're going someplace you never been before. KATIE I'm gonna hate it. MATTHEW Me too. She glances at them, frowns a little. ERIN You know what I'm realizing for the first time? You kids are a couple of downers. I mean, you are the real thing -- a couple of honest-to-God depresso-types. (small smile) Who in the heck raised you, anyway? Some kind of moron? Katie smiles a little. She likes this side of her mom. KATIE Yeah. A real moron. ERIN Some kind of half-wit, no-good, big-haired, bimbo, I bet. MATTHEW (also smiling) Yeah. ERIN Thank God we got you away from her, huh? By now they're all smiling. Funky Town plays on. EXT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY The Hyundai is parked at the entrance to the station, by a row of dead trees. Erin is standing beside a sign that says "Private Property. No Trespassing", taking pictures of the massive structure in the distance. Matthew, Katie, and Beth are drawing in the dirt with sticks. ERIN Stay out of the road. I'll be right back. She wanders up the drive, onto PG&E property, moving around the plant, taking pictures of it from every possible angle. As she wanders over a big, flat, dry field to the side of the plant, she glances over her shoulder to check on her kids and notices the trail she made in the dirt has a greenish hue. She looks at the dirt right her feet. Kicks the ground. Below the surface, the dirt turns from brown to green. Erin notes this, then looks back at her kids playing in the dirt. Worry comes over her face. She heads back to them. EXT. HINKLEY MART - DAY The kids are waiting at the car. Erin comes out of the store with a bottle of water and uses it to rinse off their hands. EXT. WATER BOARD - DAY The sound of a BABY CRYING. The Hyundai's parked in front. MATTHEW (O.S.) I'm hungry. INT. WATER BOARD - DAY Erin is at the Xerox machine, copying a file while she tries to calm Beth. There's a stack of files on the nearby table. Matthew and Katie are flopping around on the floor. ERIN We'll go eat in a minute. Settle down. Whining, fussing. Ross goes over to her. ROSS You know what, Erin? I got nothing but time here. Why don't you let me do that for you, and you can get your kids some dinner. ERIN Ross -- you are an absolute angel. She hands Ross the STACK OF DOCUMENTS. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY Ed comes in in the morning, and without pausing, hands Brenda a copy of the STACK OF DOCUMENTS, with a Post-it on the top. ED Fax these to this number, okay? BRENDA All of 'em? ED All of them. He continues into his office and closes the door. CLOSE ON THE FAX MACHINE LED Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up on the LED: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. INT. IRVING HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Another copy of those DOCUMENTS, now in Donna's hands. She's on her couch with Erin, reading them. Outside, Donna's two daughters are playing in the pool. She reads the last page and looks up at Erin, bewildered. DONNA An on-site monitoring well? That means -- ERIN It was right up on the PG&E property over there. DONNA And you say this stuff, this hexavalent chromium -- it's poisonous? ERIN Yeah. DONNA Well -- then it's gotta be a different than what's in our water, cause ours is okay. The guys from PG&E told me. They sat right in the kitchen and said it was fine. ERIN I know. But the toxicologist I been talking to? He gave me a list of problems that can come from hexavalent chromium exposure. And everything you all have is on that list. Donna resists this idea hard. DONNA No. Hunh-uh, see, that's not what the doctor said. He said one's got absolutely nothing to do with the other. ERIN Right, but -- didn't you say he was paid by PG&E? Donna sits quietly, trying to make sense of this. The only sound is the LAUGHING and SPLASHING from the pool out back. Then, gradually, Donna realizes what it is she's hearing -- her kids playing in toxic water. She jumps up ... DONNA ASHLEY! SHANNA! ... and runs out to the pool. Erin follows her. EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY From the door, Erin watches Donna run to the edge of the pool in a frantic response to this news. DONNA OUT OF THE POOL! BOTH OF YOU, OUT OF THE POOL, RIGHT NOW! SHANNA How come? DONNA CAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY, NOW GET OUT! OUT! NOW!!! Erin watches compassionately as Donna flails to get her kids out of the contaminated water. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY It's morning. Ed is checking the lie of his tie in his reflection in the window. Erin is on his couch, high-heeled legs stretched out in front of her. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - CONTINUOUS Jane is delivering paychecks. When Brenda gets to her desk, Jane tips her head toward Ed's office, as if to say, check it out. Brenda peers in and sees Erin. BRENDA What's she doing here? JANE He hired her back. With a raise. BRENDA What?? Why? JANE Well, let's see. It's not cause she's smart, and it's not cause she's professional. That leaves ... Brenda's stunned. Takes a beat. Makes assumptions. BRENDA And dumb old me thought working hard and being loyal was the way to get ahead. INT. ED'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Ed is still checking his reflection. ED I'm telling you, the minute Brenda sent the fax -- I'm talking the second she pressed that send button -- PG&E claims department is on the phone to me, scheduling a meeting. ERIN So you think we got 'em scared? ED It sure as hell sounded like they were sitting up and taking notice. Brenda pops her head in, ignores Erin. BRENDA David Baum from PG&E is at reception. Erin feels the chill Brenda's sending her way. ERIN Nice to see you again, too, Brenda. Brenda leaves without acknowledging Erin. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Ed and Erin come out and see DAVID BAUM waiting at reception. Forget law school, this kid looks like he's just out of twelfth grade. Not a hair on his chin. His suit and shoes look brand new. ERIN Not to question your judgment or anything, Mr. Masry, but -- that doesn't exactly look like sitting up and taking notice to me. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ed and Erin are seated across the table from Baum. To say this kid lacks authority is a gross understatement. He doesn't talk; he squeaks. BAUM ... in the interest of putting this whole thing to rest, PG&E is willing to offer the Irvings 250,000 dollars for their home. Ed laughs a little in disbelief. ED 250,000? BAUM In terms of land value out in Hinkley, Mr. Masry, we feel it's a more than fair price. ED What about in terms of medical expenses? 250,000 doesn't come close to what this family's gonna have to spend on doctors. BAUM I understand they've had a bad run of luck, health-wise, and they have my sympathies. But that's not PG&E's fault. ED You're kidding, right? (Baum doesn't answer) Look at these readings for Christ's sake. PG&E's own technicians documented toxic levels of hexavalent chromium in those test wells, on numerous occasions. Ed shoves them across the table. Baum doesn't look at them. ED Everything the Irvings have had is a proven reaction to exposure to hexavalent chromium. They've had ... He stalls a moment. Erin jumps in. ERIN -- breast cysts, uterine cancer, Hodgkin's disease, immune deficiencies, asthma, chronic nosebleeds. Despite their persuasiveness, Baum parrots what is obviously the party line: BAUM A million things could have caused those problems. Poor diet, bad genes, irresponsible lifestyle. Our offer is final and more than fair. ED Wait a minute -- I thought we were negotiating here. BAUM 250,000 is all I'm authorized to offer. Ed looks across at this pissant little kid. ED (to himself) Jesus Christ. (he stands, to leave) I will present your offer to my clients. I doubt they'll accept it. As Ed starts out: BAUM Mr. Masry, before you go off on some crusade, you might want to remember who it is you're dealing with here. PG&E is a 28- billion dollar corporation. ED (containing his anger) Thanks. I'll keep it in mind. And Ed leaves the conference room. Erin follows him out. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Erin follows Ed as he stomps back to his office. ERIN At least they made an offer. ED That wasn't an offer. A million would've been an offer. When they send the God damn mail clerk down to jerk me off, waste my time, it's a fuck you. ERIN I don't get why they'd do that. ED Because they can. You heard that kid -- they have 28 billion dollars at their disposal. They can afford to waste all the time in the world. ERIN And you can't? ED What, you think I'm made of money? Behind them, Baum steps out of the conference room. BAUM Hey, you know where I can get a cab? My plane leaves Burbank in forty-five minutes. Ed turns and looks at him. He gets a tiny smile. ED Tell you what, why don't you go on over to reception, tell them I said Mario should take you to the airport. BAUM Hey, excellent. Thanks. Baum heads out to the reception area. ERIN Mr. Masry, Mario gets lost going to the bathroom. They'll be driving around the valley for hours. ED (gleeful) Yeah. Isn't that a shame? She watches him go into his office, impressed. Big smile. ERIN Well I'll be God damned. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT End of the day. Most everyone has left. Erin is at her new work space near Ed's office. She's poring over a fat file of documents. ROSALIND wanders by with her coat on. ROSALIND You've been reading for hours. ERIN I'm a slow reader, on account of the fact that I look at the word "dog" and see "god". ROSALIND Hey, just so long as you see Him. Rosalind turns on Erin's desk lamp and heads out. Outside the big glass office doors, Rosalind stops to talk to a lost-looking COUPLE IN THEIR MID-30's. These are MANDY and TOM BROWN. He's a security guard uniform, with an envelope under his arm. Rosalind points to Erin. The Browns enter the office and approach her. MANDY Excuse me, are you Erin Brockovich? ERIN Yeah. Who are you? TOM I'm Tom Brown. This is my wife Mandy. We used to live across the street from the Irvings. PG&E bought our house last year. INT. ERIN'S DESK - LATER CLOSE ON photos of chickens, each with a twisted, limp neck. TOM It's called wry neck. It's when they're born without any muscles in the neck. WIDEN to see Erin looking at them with Tom and Mandy. ERIN Wow. How many were born like this? TOM Twelve, maybe thirteen. MANDY When Donna told us about you, and what you told her about the chromium, we figured that might have something to do with this, too. ERIN It sure could, yeah. Thanks a lot. She tucks them into a file, as if that's it. MANDY There's something else, too. ERIN What? TOM Well. Mandy here's had nine miscarriages. ERIN Are you kidding? My God -- MANDY I know. It's an awful lot. ERIN I'm surprised Donna didn't say anything. TOM She doesn't know. No one does. It's not something you want to talk about, you know? MANDY I figured it musta been something I did, like when I smoked marijuana, maybe. Or took birth control pills. But then Donna told me you thought this chromium might be to blame for her problems, so I figured ... INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Matt and Katie are in bed, with the light off. Erin comes in, quietly, in clothes from work. ERIN Hey. You guys still awake? CLOSE ON MATT AND KATIE. They're awake and pissed. ERIN Come on, now. No faking. George told me he just shut out the light a few seconds ago. They still don't answer. She comes in and sits on a bed. ERIN Look, I know you're mad. But the way this job is, things come up at the last minute, real important things, and I gotta deal with them. Now I don't like me missing dinner any more than you do, but we're all gonna have to get used to it, cause the fact is, it's gonna happen sometimes. KATIE It happens all the time. ERIN That's not true; we had dinner together just last night. MATT You were reading the whole time. He's got a point there. Erin feels like shit. ERIN I'm sorry, pumpkins. I'll try a whole lot harder to be around, okay? I promise. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT The room is dark. Erin enters and flops down onto the bed, exhausted. George is lying on the bed next to her. GEORGE If it's any consolation, I love you. EXT. ROUTE 10, INLAND EMPIRE - DAY Dry, flat California. Ed's big old Mercedes is toodling down the freeway, at an overly safe, almost-geriatric speed. INT. ED'S MERCEDES - DAY Frank Sinatra is playing on the stereo. Ed is swaying in time. This is his kind of music. He smiles, looks at Erin. ED It's Sinatra's world, we just live in it. Whatever. Erin glances at the speedometer. Oy. So slow. His car phone rings. He picks it up. ED Hello? ... (his voice softens) Hi, babys. Baby's fine. Yes, I did. I did, too, you just didn't feel it. He starts swerving across the lane markers. THWACK THWACK THWACK. Ed doesn't notice. Erin's getting nervous. ED You think I could leave without kissing my babys? Okay, here you go. He kisses into the phone. Swerves. A car barely misses them. Erin's eyes widen. Not fun at all. ED Bye-bye ... bye-bye ... no, you. Okay, together. Bye-bye. He finally hangs up, smiling to himself. Erin clears her throat. ERIN Um -- you mind pulling over? Just -- for a second? EXT. FREEWAY - DAY The Mercedes pulls to a stop on the shoulder. Erin gets out, walks around to the driver's side. Opens the door. ERIN First of all, don't talk baby talk to your wife in front of me. It really undermines your authority. And second, I know you're my boss and all, but you are the worst fucking driver I've ever seen. Move over or I quit. He moves over. She gets in, turns off the Sinatra. They pull back out onto the freeway in silence. EXT. MANDY BROWN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Mercedes and a truck are parked out front. PETE (O.S.) There's something about this whole thing I don't quite understand, Mr. Masry. INT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Donna and Pete Irving, and Mandy and Roy Brown are all seated, sipping iced tea. While they talk, Erin hands them all information packets on chromium. Ed is standing in front of them, a little stiff. PETE If PG&E messed with our water, why would they bother saying anything about it to us? Why not just keep quiet about it? ED To establish a statute of limitations. See, in a case like this, you only have a year from the time you first learn about the problem to file suit. So PG&E figures, we'll let the cat out of the bag -- tell the people the water's not perfect; if we can ride out the year with no one suing, we'll be in the clear forever. DONNA But it was more than a year ago that they told us -- ED It's okay. We're not suing. All we're doing is using this information to get you a real nice purchase price on your house, and get you two -- (to the Browns) -- a comparable retroactive bonus added to your sale price. This way, and PG&E can still look good to their shareholders, cause they're not involved in an ugly lawsuit; all they're doing is buying a little property. Roy looks up from his retainer agreement. ROY It doesn't say here how much this whole thing's gonna cost us. ED My fee's forty percent of whatever you get awarded. Erin watches them look around at each other, stunned by the figure. ERIN Boy, do I know how you feel. First time I heard that number, I said you got to be kidding me. Forty God damn percent? ED Erin -- ERIN I'm the one who's injured, and this joker who sits at a desk all day is gonna walk away with almost half my reward? ED Erin -- Erin's enjoying Ed's discomfort almost too much to stop. But just almost. She shifts gears. ERIN Then I asked him how much he makes if I didn't get anything. They look at Ed. Well? ED Then I don't get anything either. ERIN And I realized, he's taking a chance too. When they hear this, and realize he's in it with them, they all reach for their pens and sign. They hand the agreements over to Erin, who takes them across the room to Ed. He stuffs them in his briefcase and closes it up. That's that. ED All right, then. Let's hit the road. Boy. Cold as ice. Erin stares at him, stunned by his brusque manner, then leans in to him, close. ERIN (whispering) Mr. Masry, if you don't mind my saying, you got a lot to learn about being friendly. These people just hired you as their lawyer. The least you could do is make a little pleasant conversation. She gives him a stern look, then turns toward the women. ERIN Donna, let me help you clean all this up. She picks up a tray of iced tea and cookies and heads to the kitchen. Donna and Mandy follow, leaving Ed alone with Pete and Roy. He stands there, awkwardly. Then, finally: ED So, what's, uh ... what's new? INT. DONNA'S KITCHEN - DAY Erin and Donna are putting away the cleaned glasses. Mandy is scanning the chromium pamphlet Erin gave her. MANDY You know that thing it says in here about rashes? ERIN Uh-huh? MANDY Well, this old neighbor of mine, Bob Linwood -- he ran the dairy on Community -- seemed like someone in his family always had a rash somewhere or other. I just figured it was something in the genes. And you know how it is -- you don't like to ask about things like that ... Erin listens, interested. EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY, BARN - DAY Another day. BOB LINWOOD, 40's and gruff, is in the barn, tossing hay around. ERIN (O.S.) Excuse me. Are you Mr. Linwood? He sees Erin picking her way toward him in her high-heels. LINWOOD Yeah? ERIN I'm Erin Brockovich. I work at the law firm that represents your former neighbors the Browns. They suggested I give you a call. She steps in a cow patty. Laughs at herself good-naturedly. ERIN Boy howdy, did I ever wear the wrong shoes. EXT. THE DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY CLOSE ON A SIGN that reads: THE DESOTOS, hanging on the side of a small, paint-chipped house. Erin is at the door talking to MARY DESOTO, 65, who's wearing a big cross at her breast. ERIN ... and Mr. Linwood seemed to think that your husband had been sick as well. MARY Yes, Mr. DeSoto has lung cancer. Never smoked a day in his life, neither. INT. LAURA AND MIKE AMBROSINO'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin is talking to MIKE and LAURA AMBROSINO -- 30's. Solid, family folks. But Laura's left brow and cheekbone look swollen and misshapen, and she's trying to hide the fact that she's in a lot of pain. ERIN Mrs. DeSoto said she wasn't sure exactly what it was that you had -- PETE She's not alone on that one. LAURA Well, they know what it is -- it's called fibrous dysplasia -- PETE The bones start growing again. Gives her headaches like you wouldn't believe. LAURA -- they just don't know what caused it. INT. RITA AND TED DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Erin is talking to TED AND RITA DANIELS. Their daughter ANNABELLE, 10, is sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. ERIN ... then Mike Ambrosino remembered seeing you folks at the hospital from time to time too, so I thought I'd just stop by. (to Annabelle) You must be Annabelle. ANNABELLE Uh-huh. ERIN Whew, are you ever a beauty. I mean, you must drive those boys crazy. Annabelle smiles a little. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Late night. George rolls over -- Erin's side of the bed is empty. He checks the clock, then gets up and heads into: INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - NIGHT He peers around and spots her, sitting in the little kid's chair in Matthew and Katie's room. Erin is holding Beth, watching Matt and Katie sleep. Erin hears the floor creak as George steps into the doorway. ERIN Tell me something, George. What kind of God lets a beautiful little 10-year-old girl get brain cancer? Isn't He supposed to be in charge of stuff like that? Make sure it doesn't happen? (beat) I swear, any other job, He'd be fired. EXT. VALLEY SIDEWALK - DAY Ed and Erin are walking down the street, take-out coffee cups in their hands. Ed is sipping his, but Erin is in too much of a lather to drink hers. ED Hunh-uh. Absolutely not. ERIN That's crazy -- why not? ED Because I said no. Look -- the only reason PG&E's even talking to us is cause this is a quiet little real estate dispute. We add plaintiffs, and suddenly we're in the middle of a toxic tort -- with a statute problem -- against a massive utility. No, thank you. They go into their office building. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY Erin and Ed are riding up. ERIN Okay, so here's what I'll do. I'll go on up to Ted and Rita Daniels -- two of the nicest people you'd ever hope to meet, who spend every single day watching their little girl fight like a dog against this cancer -- I'll tell them we can't help them cause you don't feel like working that hard. ED It's not about working hard -- ERIN Bullshit. ED -- It's about being realistic. Something like this, Erin -- it could take forever. They're a huge corporation. They'd completely bury us in paperwork. I'm just one guy with a shitty little P.I. firm. ERIN -- who happens to know they poisoned people and lied about it. The doors open. Ed gets off. Erin follows. INT. MASRY LAW OFFICE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Erin's dogging Ed down the hall, to the office. ERIN And this shit is bad news, Mr. Masry. Not only does it attack every organ of the body, it fucks with your DNA, too. That means these people's genes, and the genes of their kids, and the genes of their grandkids -- ED I know how DNA works, Erin -- He gets to the Masry & Vititoe doors. Opens them. INT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY Erin tails Ed back to his office. ERIN We can get these people. With a little effort, I really think we can nail their asses to the wall. ED Oh, you do? With all your legal expertise, you believe that? ERIN Okay, fine. I don't know shit about shit. But I know the difference -- He shuts his office door on her. ERIN -- BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG! INT. ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed goes over to his desk, sits down. He sees a stack of messages there, starts flipping through them. Then he stops. ED Damn it. He shoves the messages aside and puts his head in his hands. He sits like that for a moment, GROANS to himself. Then he pushes himself up and heads over to his door. When he opens it, he finds Erin still standing there, exactly where he left her, arms crossed. She hasn't budged. ED How many families we talking about here? ERIN Four more. Eleven people. So far. ED You think there's more? ERIN Well -- I found one document at the water board that had a toxic test well reading from 1967. A hell of a lot of people have lived on that land since then. Ed pauses, groans again, realizing what decision he's making. ED This is a whole different ball game, Erin. A much bigger deal. ERIN Kinda like David and what's-his-name? ED Kinda like David and what's-his-name's whole fucking family. (heavy sigh) Okay, here's the deal -- if, and only if, you find me the evidence to back all this up -- I'll do it. I'll take it on. She smiles victoriously. ERIN You're doing the right thing, Mr. Masry. ED Yeah, yeah. Remind me of that when I'm filing for bankruptcy. He heads back to his desk. Erin follows him into his office. ERIN Course, gathering evidence -- now, that's a big job. A hell of a lot bigger than just filing. I'm gonna be working a lot harder now, taking on a lot more responsibility ... He gives her a look. Knows what's coming. ED What now? ERIN Another raise wouldn't hurt. And with all the time I'm gonna be spending on the road, I'll probably be needing my own cel phone, won't I? INT. TOYS 'R' US - DAY CLOSE ON A BEEPING CEL PHONE as Erin tries to program numbers into its speed dial. WIDEN to see she is reading from the phone's manual as she enters Toys 'R' Us with George, Matthew, Katie and Beth. ERIN You each can pick out four things. But nothing huge. Look at the price. Nothing crazy. Matthew and Katie fan out into the store. Erin keeps messing with the phone. GEORGE You can buy 'em all the toys you want, but come Monday, when you split again, they're still gonna be pissed. Erin looks over at him, weary. ERIN George, I am just trying to do something nice for my kids on my one day off. Could you please not give me a hard time about it? GEORGE One toy per kid is doing something nice. Four is ... something else. ERIN Well, hell, I guess that's it, then, huh? They're scarred for life. They're gonna start holding up 7-11's any day now. GEORGE I'm just saying -- ERIN (with intensity) I know what you're saying, and I don't wanna hear it. I am doing the best I can. And she walks away from him. EXT. HINKLEY, ROADSIDE DITCH - DAY Erin, in high heels and miniskirt, is straddling a ditch, scooping clumps of gunky moss from the ditch into plastic containers. Over this: ERIN (O.S.) Dr. Frankel, it's Erin Brockovich. Tell me something: if I wanna find as much evidence of hexavalent chromium contamination as I possibly can, what should I do? As Erin labels the containers, her heels slide down the side of the ditch, and she lands smack in it, knee-deep in gunk. EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - NIGHT Erin, now completely dirty, is climbing over a fence marked "No Trespassing". Her arms are full of more containers. FRANKEL (O.S.) Well, what you have to remember is, if you have hex chrom in the water, you have it in anything that lived off the water. She adds them to a growing collection of containers in the trunk of her car. EXT. HINKLEY, THE POOL BEHIND AN ABANDONED HOUSE - DAY Another day. This time it's RAINING. Erin minces her way down to the deep end of the pool in her spike heels. FRANKEL (O.S.) What I'd do is start a collection. Anything that existed in water, on water, under water ... She gets to the deep end and scoops up a Ziploc full of rancid pool water and seals it. FRANKEL (O.S.) anything that had water flow over or under it ... Erin spots a few dead frogs in the water. She picks one up by the leg, and seals it in a plastic bag as well. EXT. WELL - DAY With a sample cup held in her teeth, Erin hauls herself up over the well's concrete wall, then, with her back against one side of the well and her feet against the other, starts shimmying down the well. FRANKEL (O.S.) anything that had water pass through it ... INSIDE THE WELL she winces at the algae and gook that's clinging to her as she descends to the water level. When she's low enough, she takes the sample cup from her teeth and scoops up the water. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY Erin's at her desk, bending over her notebook in a miniskirt, adding reports to the TOXICOLOGY binder. FRANKEL (O.S.) ... collect 'em, label 'em, then bring 'em to me. I'll analyze 'em, see what we got. ON THE REPORTS: We catch a few words: "water sample A ...", "soil sample D ...", "frog sample A ...", "... traces of hexavalent ..." Brenda looks at Erin and sees her hem rising in the back. BRENDA For God's sake, Erin, I can see your panties. Erin turns to Brenda, relishing the chance to irritate her. ERIN Liar. I'm not wearing any. Ed, in his office, laughs. He's starting to like this gal. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT It's a hot night. George is playing on the floor with the kids. Erin is behind them on the couch, laboriously reading a book labeled, simply, CHROMIUM. The phone RINGS. Erin picks it up. ERIN Hello? MALE VOICE (O.S.) Is this the Erin Pattee Brockovich that's been snooping around the water board? His voice is flat, creepy. Not friendly. ERIN Yes. Who's this? CLICK. Erin stares at the phone, freaked. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT George watches Erin double-checking the locks on the door. ERIN I'm not gonna quit cause of one creepy phone call, George. GEORGE Come on, Erin. A job's supposed to pay your bills, not put you in danger. ERIN I'm not in danger. I have a dead bolt. Remember? She goes to the living room, double-checks the window locks in there. George follows. GEORGE Look, don't take this the wrong way, but don't you think you might be out of your league here? ERIN No, see -- that's exactly what those arrogant PG&E fucks want me to think -- that because they got all this money and power, we don't stand a chance in hell against them. But you know what? They're wrong. She heads into the bedrooms. GEORGE It doesn't have to be this complicated, Erin. There's a lot of jobs out there. ERIN (off-hand) How would you know? George reacts, a little stung. He follows her into: INT. MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Matt and Katie are asleep. Erin is checking their windows. George comes in. They whisper. GEORGE You mind telling me what that's supposed to mean? ERIN Nothing. GEORGE If you got a problem with me taking care of your kids instead of getting some job, just say so. ERIN I didn't say that. GEORGE Cause I can get a job. I will. And you can start leaving the kids with the chicken fat lady again. Would that make you happy? ERIN Keep your voice down. GEORGE I know what they can sleep through, Erin. I probably know it better than you. She gives him a glare, then leaves the room. INT. WATER BOARD - DAY Erin is reaching up to a high shelf for a dusty old box of files. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Ross passing. ERIN Hey, Ross. Tell me something. Does PG&E pay you to cover their ass, or do you just do it out of the kindness of your heart? ROSS (a bad liar) I don't know what you're talking about. ERIN The fuck you don't. No one calls me Pattee. That heavy-breathing sicko that called the other night could've only found out about me from you. (beat) People are dying, Ross. You got document after document here, right under your nose, that says why, and you haven't said word one about it. I wanna know how the hell you sleep at night. Ross is speechless. He just stands there. Erin drags the box to the floor and goes to work. EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT Erin's car is parked in front. A DIRTY OLD PICK-UP comes rumbling up the road. When its lights hit Erin's car, it slows, then pulls over. The driver flicks on his BRIGHTS to get a better look at the car. The truck sits there for a bit, a dark presence. Then, as the headlights of another car appear down the road, the truck goes back in gear, pulls out and drives off. INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - NIGHT A pile of documents is strapped into the passenger seat. An empty coffee cup rolls around the floor. Erin's driving, exhausted. She yawns as she dials her phone. GEORGE (O.S.) Hello? INTERCUT between Erin in her car, and George in bed. ERIN I'm so tired I'm about to drive off the road. Keep me awake, willya? GEORGE What do you want, a joke? ERIN No, no jokes, I gotta pee. Just tell me about your day. What went on back there? GEORGE Well, come to think of it, we did have a big event around here. Beth started talking. ERIN What? (beat) Beth? My Beth? GEORGE Yeah. We were sitting around at lunch and she pointed at a ball and said, "ball." Erin says nothing, just stares out at the empty highway, feeling all hollowed-out. GEORGE I'd never seen that before -- someone's first word. Pretty intense. Erin just nods. Keeps staring straight ahead as a tear rolls down her cheek. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S AREA - DAY CLOSE ON SOME FILES as Erin hands them to Ed. As he takes them from her, he notices a crematory urn on Erin's desk. ED Is that what I think it is? ERIN She lived on the plume. You never know. Ed laughs and hands the documents to Brenda without looking at her. She grumpily takes them over to the fax machine. CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as Brenda types in the number. The recipient's name comes up again: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. EXT. HINKLEY BARBECUE - DAY Open pits, pony rides, watermelon. George is watching Katie and Matt being led around on ponies, an activity that stopped being fun hours ago. Now they're just hot and tired. BY THE BARBECUE, Ed is talking to an OLDER COUPLE as they sign retainer agreements. ELSEWHERE, Erin, holding Beth, is looking at pictures of a swimming pool with FIVE OTHER WOMEN. The water is green. ERIN This was the community pool? WOMAN 1 Yeah, that PG&E built. The whole time we thought it was algae that made it so green. LATER ... Erin's trunk is open. She and Ed are clipping new clusters of retainer agreements into the "PLAINTIFFS" binder. LATER STILL ... Erin and Ed are passing out informational pamphlets. She sticks one in a hand before noticing that it's George's. GEORGE I'm bored, and so are the kids. ERIN Just a few more minutes, then we can go. (as he heads off) Take her, will you? George drops the pamphlet and takes Beth from Erin. He heads over to Matt and Katie, sitting glumly on a log. As he steps away, a hand reaches down and grabs the flier he dropped. It belongs to a MAN IN A BLACK JACKET. He's in his 50's, strong and sinewy. Military-style dark glasses obscure his eyes. He scans the pamphlet, then watches Erin working the crowd. Watches her carefully. He slides the pamphlet into his inside pocket, and heads back his car -- the DIRTY OLD PICK-UP TRUCK that idled in front of the Water Board. LATER STILL ... Erin is heading over to George and the kids, ready to leave, when Donna comes up to her, with A MIDDLE-AGED MAN in tow. DONNA Erin, this here's Frank Melendez. He works over at the compressor station -- Erin stops in her tracks, very interested. LATER STILL ... Erin and Frank are on a bench, talking. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her car drive off. George's hand sticks out the driver's side and flips her the bird. She watches him disappear, then, hiding her rage, turns back to Frank. ERIN I'm sorry. What were you saying? LATER ... The barbecue is winding down. Ed is heading for his Mercedes. Erin storms up beside him, mad as all get-out. ERIN I need a ride. INT. ED'S CAR - DAY Ed is driving. He glances over at Erin, fuming in the passenger seat. After a beat: ED You wanna talk about -- ERIN No. Another beat. Then Erin's cel phone rings. She digs into her bag, pulling it out as fast as she can. Answers. ERIN What, asshole? There's a pause. Then Mike Ambrosino's voice comes over the line, very strained: MIKE AMBROSINO (O.S.) Um, Erin? This is Mike. Ambrosino. EXT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, FOYER - DAY The curtains are drawn; everything is dark. Ed and Erin are at the door, talking to Mike, who looks drawn and tired. MIKE She was about to take a handful of these -- He shows them a bottle of prescription pills. MIKE It's a morphine thing -- for pain -- Erin nods, then leaves Ed with Mike and heads toward: INT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY Erin opens the door. Very dark, very quiet. Laura is lying in bed. Erin goes over to her. They speak in whispers. LAURA I'm embarrassed. ERIN That's okay. I understand. LAURA It's just -- the pain. It's only getting worse. I can't be a good wife. I can't be a good mother. ERIN I'm real sorry, Laura. Erin sits down on the chair next to the bed. Takes a beat. LAURA Know what I always thought I wanted outta life, Erin? A Jaguar. ERIN Jaguar's a darn pretty car. LAURA I thought if I could spend that kinda money on a car, it'd mean everything else was fine. (beat) I don't even know how much they cost. ERIN A lot. But you hang in there, maybe you'll get one. Laura shakes her head. LAURA Wouldn't mean the same thing. Erin watches her sadly. INT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY A LOUD, industrial plant. Erin and Frank Melendez walk through, him in coveralls, her in a teensy sun dress. Both in hard-hats. He's giving her a tour. EXT. NORTHRIDGE STREET - DAY George, in his leather and denim, is walking down the sidewalk. As we WIDEN, we see he's pushing a PINK STROLLER. He stops at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. In the stroller, Beth starts to whine. George reaches in his pocket, finds her pacifier. As he's leaning down to give it to her, he hears a RUMBLE coming down the street behind him. The roar grows. He stands, looks. A GROUP OF ABOUT TEN BIKERS has pulled up next to him. He looks at them. They look at him, then at the stroller. George feels ridiculous. When the light changes, the bikers REV LOUDLY and pull out. George just stands there and watches them go. INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT His office is all about Hinkley. A map of the plume area and a diagram of the plant cover one wall; photos of the plant cover the credenza; piles of documents litter every surface; Erin is up at the map, eating Chinese food. ERIN They used the hex chrom here, in these cooling tanks, as an anti-corrosive. Then they dumped it here, in these six ponds. ED I don't remember seeing any ponds up there. She bites into a forkful of food, keeps talking. ERIN They covered 'em over. And not too carefully either, cause you dig one inch under the surface, and the dirt is green as a fucking shamrock. ED And that's what caused the contamination? ERIN It didn't help, but no. The real problem's on the bottom. She reaches for a document, reads from it. ERIN See, according to this, they were supposed to line the ponds so this shit couldn't seep into the ground. But guess what -- ED They skipped that step. ERIN I guess it was a little too inconvenient. So for fourteen years, this stuff flowed into the groundwater, free as you please. ED Jesus. (beat) I don't even wanna ask what you did to make this Melendez guy talk. In response to the insinuation, Erin gives him a glare. ERIN For your information, Frank cares what was in those ponds 'cause he used to spend half his day wading around them. That was his job. ED No shit. ERIN No -- Suddenly, her eyes pop out of her head -- ERIN SHIT! SHIT! Hot! Hot! Hot! Tears spring to her eyes. She fans furiously at her mouth. Ed finds the tequila from the client and hands it to her. She takes a swig. There's a nanosecond of relief ... until the tequila hits. Her eyes redden. She spews and gasps. ERIN You ... asshole ... Ed chuckles. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - LATER The tequila's been dipped into. Ed and Erin are each lying on a couch, staring at documents. Late-night working. ED Erin -- lemme tell you something. If I'da put three researchers on this, I wouldn't expect them to dig up all the information you got here. This is some damn good work. ERIN Yeah? Then gimme another raise. ED Hey, I got a staff to pay, plus rent, plus I haven't billed a minute of my time since I started on this case, so you can quit hitting me up like I'm rich or something. He gets up, grabs his trash can, and moves around the room with it, cleaning up all the Chinese food cartons. ERIN Don't give me that. You're gonna get plenty rich off of this, Mr. 40 percent. We got those PG&E fuckers by the balls here. ED We've got the PG&E fuckers in Hinkley by the balls. But nobody's getting rich unless we can pin this on the corporate PG&E fuckers in San Francisco. ERIN What do you mean? ED PG&E corporate is claiming they had no way of knowing what was going on in Hinkley. ERIN Oh, they knew. They had to know. ED Show me the document that proves that. She doesn't have one. ED Then they didn't know. And if they didn't know, we can't hit 'em for punitive damages. And punitive damages is where the money is. ERIN Jesus Christ, Ed -- you know, the more I work on this thing, the more I realize what a crock of shit this legal system is. Here we got a company that poisoned a whole aquifer -- that built a pool for a town, then filled it with toxic water -- and we're the ones who've gotta bust our ass proving things? That's just not right. Beat. Ed smiles. ED I like this case. ERIN Really? It makes me sick. ED Me too. That's why I like it. It's been a long time since I had a case I cared about. ERIN You didn't care about my case? ED I would now. He gives her a long look. ED Hey. I like working with you. ERIN Well, good, Ed. I like working with you too. They both smile a little awkwardly. Take a beat. Then: ED When'd you start calling me Ed? INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT The Christmas party. The office is decorated; someone is Santa. Erin and George enter, all dressed up. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin's giving George a guided tour. As they head down the hall, every desk is decorated and has a present on it GEORGE I'm just saying -- we have one night to ourselves, why do we have to spend it here? ERIN Cause it's my office party. If you had an office, I'd go to your party. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - NIGHT It's dark. The door to Erin's area opens. ERIN And here, ta-daa, is my desk. She flicks on the lights. Brenda's desk is decorated and as a present on it. Erin's is empty. GEORGE Which one? (it's obvious) Maybe they didn't think you were coming. Erin shakes her head. She's surprised by how hurt she is. ERIN (quietly) God damn. I work so hard. The least they could do ... George looks over at her, sees her eyes glisten a little. He goes over to her, wraps his arms around her. GEORGE Hey. Fuck 'em, babe. Who needs 'em, huh? He kisses her. She leans into him. He kisses her some more. GEORGE (quietly) See? All we need is each other. She kisses back. She's gonna let him take care of her. Some more kisses, heating up. He slides her onto her empty desk. GEORGE Good thing there isn't a present there, huh? That mighta hurt. She laughs a little. He slides his hands up her skirt. She pulls him into her, tugging his shirt out of his pants. INT. MASRY OFFICES, HALLWAY - NIGHT Ed is coming down the hall with his wife, JOEY. Joey is much younger than Ed, and very pretty. ED I'll show you what we did back here -- INT. ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT Erin and George, in a rapidly-heating-up clinch on her desk, hear the voices. Erin pulls away. ERIN That's Ed. GEORGE Lock the door. ERIN No, I wanna say hi. He pulls her back into him, not wanting to move. GEORGE We'll say hi later. Lock it. But Erin pulls away ... ERIN Come on, George, it's a party. He watches her straighten her dress and take a step away from him. It's just one step, but it feels a hell a lot farther. INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER Erin and Ed are at the reception desk, talking and laughing. NEARBY, Joey and George are standing together, awkwardly. JOEY Your wife's real pretty. GEORGE She's not my wife. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Matthew lies awake in his bed, listening to George and Erin fight. GEORGE (O.S.) It wouldn't kill you to talk about something other than yourself and your own fucking job once in a while -- ERIN (O.S.) What do you want to talk about instead? Your day? That's a fascinating subject. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin and George are fighting while they get ready for bed. GEORGE Fuck you. Just cause I don't spend all day trying to prove what hot shit I am -- ERIN That is not what I'm -- GEORGE Bullshit, Erin. Bullshit. The fight is interrupted by the sound of BETH CRYING. ERIN Great. Excellent. Thank you very much. She leaves the room. INT. BETH'S ROOM - NIGHT Beth is wailing in her crib. Erin comes in in her nightshirt and lifts Beth out. Then, more to herself than to Beth: ERIN It's okay, baby. It'll be okay. She runs her hand over Beth's head, then slides down the wall and crumples onto the floor. As she curls around Beth, Erin starts to COUGH. Deep, raspy coughs from way down low. EXT. PG&E STATION - NIGHT Late, late at night. The plant is silent. The property seems empty, until we notice Pete Irving standing alone inside the gates, staring up at the station. After a beat, he picks up a rock and hurls it at the plant. It misses. Not that it would do anything if it hit. He reaches for another, throws it. Then another, and another. He hurls rock after rock at the gigantic plant. Then, overwhelmed by his impotence, he lets out a TERRIFYING YELL. INT. IRVINGS' HOUSE, DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAY Donna's sitting quietly in bed. Erin is sitting on the edge of the bed. DONNA I'd got so used to having 'em come up benign, I guess I just didn't expect it. She looks down her shirt front. DONNA Sure wish I had longer to get used to the idea. (beat) You think if you got no uterus, and no breasts, you're still technically a woman? ERIN Sure you are. You're just a happier woman, cause you don't have to deal with maxi-pads and underwire. Donna smiles a little. Then her face crumbles. DONNA We're gonna get them, aren't we, Erin? You gotta promise me we're gonna get them. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, DAY CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as DOCUMENTS are faxed once again to the PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. THEN AGAIN, on another day. AND AGAIN, on another day. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is once again checking the lie of his tie in a window. Erin is popping some aspirin, trying to kill a headache that has brought with it a healthy dose of intolerance. ERIN If they've sent that little shmuck Baum again, I'm gonna be real pissed off. ED From their tone of voice on the phone, I'd say they're taking us more seriously. ERIN Yeah, I heard that one before. Brenda leans her head in. BRENDA Mr. Sanchez, Mr. Webster, Mr. Buda, and Ms. Cooper, from PG&E are here. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Talk about moving up the food chain. MS. SANCHEZ, MR. WEBSTER, MR. BUDA, and MR. COOPER mill slowly about the reception area like sharks. They all ooze importance. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE OF ED'S OFFICE - DAY Erin, Ed and Brenda are staring out at them. ERIN Jesus. They look like the Secret Service. ED They're trying to intimidate us. (then, to Brenda) Tell them to wait in the conference room. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Sanchez, Webster, Buda, and Cooper are seated. The door opens and Ed enters, legal pad under his arm. Followed by Erin, legal pad under her arm. Followed by Anna (looking professional in Brenda's suit coat), legal pad under her arm. Followed by Mario (in a suit produced from who knows where), legal pad under his arm. If you didn't know better, you'd assume it was a team of lawyers as well. ED Counselors -- MR. SANCHEZ Counselors. Ed and Erin sit down and get to work. Mario and Anna, clearly told to just follow along, sit down a moment later. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Mario and Anna are sitting mutely in their seats beside Ed and Erin, firing blank looks across the table. SANCHEZ Let's be honest, here. Two million dollars is more money than these people have ever dreamed of. Erin has no patience for this today. ERIN Oh, see, now that pisses me off. First of all -- we got more'n a hundred plaintiffs. They may not be sophisticated, but they do know how to divide, and two million dollars isn't shit when it's split between them. Mario and Anna exchange a look. This is getting interesting. ED Erin -- But there's no stopping her. ERIN And second of all -- these people don't dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying they'll have to have a hysterectomy at age 20, like Rosa Diaz -- a client of ours -- or have their spine deteriorate like Stan Bloom. Another client of ours. So before you come back here with another lame-ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr. Buda -- or what you'd expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Miss Sanchez -- then you take out your calculator and multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. And she gets up and storms out of the meeting. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY Erin drinks a big swig of coffee and pops a few more aspirin. Beyond her, the PG&E lawyers are filing out of the office. Anna wanders over to Erin, a little uncomfortable. ANNA Um, Erin? (Erin turns) Listen. Even though you're not necessarily my favorite person in the world ... (beat) ... sometimes you're not half-bad. ERIN I'm gonna assume that was meant as a compliment, Anna, and just say thank you. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT Erin's at her desk, which is completely buried in documents and files. She's visibly exhausted, struggling to focus on the page, and COUGHING while she works. Ed calls to her. ED Hey. A new plaintiff called, wants to meet you. I told him we'd be out there Thursday. ERIN D'you get his name? (no answer) Course not. Jesus, Ed -- ED He said he'd be at the gas station at six. ERIN Boy, this job takes me to some of the best damn places, huh? EXT. HINKLEY GAS STATION - SUNSET Erin is sitting out front, swigging cough syrup from the bottle. She checks her watch: 6:30. The GAS STATION ATTENDANT comes out, locks up, and turns out the lights. ERIN This is the only station in town, right? ATTENDANT Yup. He gets in his car and drives off. Erin sits down again. Looks down the road in both directions. Nothing. Then she spots, behind some bushes across the street, a glint of chrome. She shields her eyes against the sunset and sees: the BEAT-UP TRUCK parked behind some shrubbery. Erin looks around, realizes she's alone. As she looks back at the truck, the ASH of a cigarette brightens in the cab. She realizes she's being watched. The driver's door opens. Erin bolts for her car, scrambling to find her keys. She jumps in, locks her doors, and tries to start her car, but it won't turn over. Panic. The Man in the Dark Glasses has gotten out and is heading toward her car. Erin looks around again. Not a soul. She tries the engine again. And again. Just as he gets to her car, the engine engages. Erin peels out of the gas station. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin drives down the road, hyperventilating, trying to focus on the road. She looks in the rear-view mirror -- nothing. She reaches the train tracks. A train is passing. She has to stop. As she's waiting, the glint of headlights bounce off her rear view mirror. Truck lights, coming her way. Fuck. She looks at the train -- still passing -- then back at the headlights closing in on her. The train, the headlights, the train, the headlights ... Finally, when the headlights are right behind her, the last train car zips by. Erin peels out, bounding her rickety car over the tracks. The truck follows. EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT The Hyundai zips down the road. And behind it, the truck. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT She looks out at the landscape around her. It's black. No other cars on the road. She starts to panic, accelerates. EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT The Hyundai going faster. The truck still following. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT Erin comes up on a stop sign. She runs it. So does the truck. A little later, she makes a turn and sees THE LOST CAUSE SALOON. In the parking lot, like a lifeboat, sits Ed's Mercedes. She pulls into the drive and jumps out of her car. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT Ed is eating ribs when Erin bursts through the door. She rushes over to him, near tears with fear and exhaustion. ERIN Someone's following me. ED What? Who? ERIN Some guy in a truck -- he waited till I was alone, then he followed me, like, two miles. Jesus, I'm shaking. Get me a beer. Ed gets up and heads toward the door. ED (to the counter guy) Beer, please. As Ed looks out the door, Erin collapses onto a bench. ED What kind of truck? ERIN I don't know. Big. Dark. ED He's gone. (back to the table) Did you get a license plate? Or a make? ERIN No, Ed -- what with me running for my life, I didn't have time to check those things -- ED I was just asking. Are you all right? ERIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm ... fine. Ed looks at her. She looks terrible. Shaky, tired, drawn. ED Jesus, you look like shit. When was the last time you had a decent night's sleep? EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Crappy and pink. Ed's Mercedes pulls into the parking lot. Erin's Hyundai follows. Ed stops, gets out. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT Ed swings by Erin's open car window. ED Don't worry. I'm getting two rooms. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Erin and Ed amble down the porch, checking door numbers, each rattling a key. They find their adjacent rooms and stop. Erin leans against the wall, too weak to stand. ED Lock the door every which way you can. And if there's anything -- funny sound, whatever -- pound on the wall. I'll come right over. She nods a little. Then before she goes into her room: ERIN I think you should know -- there's very few people in the world who don't piss me off 90 percent of the time. (beat) You're one of 'em. It's as tender as she gets, and he's moved by it. They look at each other. Maybe even considering. But after a long beat, she reaches for her door again. Moment over. ED I'm triple locking my door, so don't even think of trying to take advantage. She smiles, goes inside. He watches her close her door behind her before going inside himself. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - NIGHT George is sitting alone on the stoop, drinking a beer. Music is coming from his house next door. He stares out into the street with a lot on his mind. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Katie and Matt are making a mess of breakfast. Beth is on the floor, grinding cereal into the linoleum. ERIN (O.S.) Hello? Erin enters, having just gotten home, and sees the mayhem. ERIN What are you doing? Where's George? KATIE I don't know. ERIN George! She heads out. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY George is sitting on the bed when Erin enters. ERIN Jesus, George, they're turning the kitchen into a hellhole. You know you can't leave them alone like that. He doesn't answer. Doesn't move. She notices this. ERIN What's going on? What are you doing? GEORGE Thinking. ERIN About what? He's very calm. He holds out a small jewelry box. GEORGE About this. ERIN What's that? GEORGE It's a pair of earrings. I saw 'em in the mall one day, and I thought, damn, those would look good on those beautiful earlobes. So I bought 'em. And I said to myself, next time Erin says something nice, does something nice, I'll surprise her with 'em. (beat) Know how long ago that was? Six months. In six months, you haven't said one nice thing to me. That's a long time. ERIN I'm sorry. I'm just working so hard -- GEORGE I know. But still. Six months. (he stands) I think you oughta either find a different job or a different boyfriend. Cause there may be men who don't mind being the maid and getting nothing in return, but I'm sure as shit not one of 'em. ERIN I can't leave my job, George. GEORGE Yeah, you can. You could just quit. People do it all the time. ERIN I can't. Look -- this job -- it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean it. For the first time in my life, I got people respecting me. Up in Hinkley, I walk into a room and everyone shuts up just to hear what I got to say. I never had that. Ever. Don't ask me to give it up. I need it. GEORGE More than you need me. ERIN I need it. He nods, then stands, to leave. GEORGE Maybe you didn't like who you were before, Erin, but I did. That's who I fell in love with. Only then does she see the packed duffel bag in the corner. ERIN You already packed up your stuff? GEORGE I pretty much knew what your answer was gonna be. He picks it up and walks out the door, tossing the earring box on the bed as he goes. INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin is at her window, looking out at the street below. George is strapping a couple of bags onto the back of his bike. He gets on the bike, starts it up, and drives away. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin is driving, looking weary. Her kids are in the car. Matthew turns on the radio. Erin reaches over and turns it off. Matthew turns it back on. Erin glares at him, turns it off. On/off/on/off. A test of wills. Finally, when Matthew turns it on one more time, Erin turns it off, yanks the knob off the stereo and throws it out the window. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY The Hyundai pulls into the lot. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin parks the car, unclips her seat belt. ERIN Wait here. She gets out. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Business as usual. Erin comes in, goes straight to her desk. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY Erin flips through her "in" box, looking for something in particular. Doesn't find it. Grrr. She heads off to: INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY Jane is at her desk when Erin comes in. ERIN Where's my paycheck? JANE Have you been logging on? ERIN What? JANE I moved payroll onto the computer. It only knows to process paychecks for employees who log on in the morning and off at night. ERIN (seething) Now how'm I supposed to do that when I'm not in here most mornings and nights? JANE You're clever. I'm sure you'll think of something. Erin glares at her ... ERIN I don't believe this -- ... then turns and storms out of Jane's office. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is on the phone when Erin barges in, rage in her eyes. ERIN I want my fucking money -- ED (into phone) I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just one second here -- (puts the call on hold, then, to Erin) Do you mind? ERIN (seething) Yeah, I mind. You bet your ass I mind. Clearly, she's in a dander he's going to have to deal with. ED Oh, Jesus. You wanna tell me what the problem is here, or -- ERIN It's my paycheck. Which I earned. Which I deserve. Which I shouldn't have to beg for. That fat-ass bitch won't give it to me. ED Erin, you're a big girl. If you got a problem with Jane, work it out for yourself. I don't have time to deal with -- ERIN Fuck you. Make time. Cause I bust my ass for you. I watch everything else in my life go straight in the toilet, for you. And what do you do for me? Huh? You see the way I'm treated around here -- but have you ever stood up for me once? Have you ever mentioned to everyone what good work I'm doing? Have you ever bothered saying, hey, Erin doesn't get paid the most cause she has the best tits; she gets paid the most cause she's the best God damn employee I've ever had? ED Is that what you want? ERIN I want my paycheck. By the end of the day. Ed sighs. Realizes he's going to have to take this on. ED I'll see what I can do. ERIN You might want to think real hard about the amount, too. My kids are sitting in the God damn parking lot right now, cause I still don't make enough to afford good child care. Makes me think about looking around for a job where I'm appreciated, for shit's sake. She storms out. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT Erin is standing at the sink, visibly exhausted, trying to do the dinner dishes with one arm and comfort Beth, who's CRYING, with the other. Matthew comes in. MATTHEW Can I play roller hockey? ERIN We'll see. MATTHEW When? The DOORBELL RINGS. Erin goes to get it. Matthew follows INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Matthew is dogging Erin on this. Beth is still crying. MATTHEW Randy's mom said yes right away. ERIN (snapping) Well, God damn it, Matthew -- Randy's mom doesn't work eighteen-hour days, and Randy's dad didn't leave her, so figuring out who's gonna take who where is a little easier over at Randy's house. Erin opens the door. A MESSENGER is there. MESSENGER Erin Brockovich? ERIN Yeah? MESSENGER Package from Masry & Vititoe. He hands her a manila envelope. She signs for the package, then tears into it as the Messenger heads away. A CHECK and a SET OF KEYS fall out. She looks at the check. It's made out for $5,000. A note attached reads "HIRE A NANNY. AND LOOK OUTSIDE. - E." Erin looks up and sees A BRAND-NEW CHEVY BLAZER parked on the curb. She looks at the keys in her hand. Chevy keys. Whoa. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE, PARKING LOT - DAY Erin drives up in the Blazer, pulls into a parking space. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, LAW LIBRARY - DAY It's dark. Ed's seated at a table, alone. Erin walks by the door, then spots him and stops in the doorway. ERIN Believe it or not, I would've been satisfied with just the check. Ed turns, sees her. ED Well, you go threatening to leave, I can't take any chances. You're the only person around who understands what I'm doing. Things come up, I gotta know I got someone to turn to. She sits, reading him. ERIN What kind of things come up? ED Things like the head counsel for PG&E calling me with an offer. (beat) 20 million, plus attorney's fees. Take it or leave it. ERIN Whoa. No shit. ED It's about 50 thousand per plaintiff. ERIN So what are you thinking? ED I'm thinking ... I wish someone else had to make this decision. (beat) 50 thousand bucks is more than any other California toxic plaintiff has gotten. Ever. But ... ERIN ... but it won't cover Annabelle Daniels's medical bills. ED And it's less than pocket change for PG&E. ERIN Do you think we'd do better by going to trial? ED Maybe. but maybe not. We still don't have anything linking this to PG&E corporate. Plus, there's the statute problem. Plus, we're way short on manpower, so we'd need to bring on more lawyers ... ERIN Plus, 40 percent of 20 million's a whole lot of money. ED It's eight million dollars, Erin. Eight million dollars. Beat. ERIN That's a fucking fortune, Ed. And you know I'm the last person on Earth to walk away from a big payday. But you and me didn't get into this to get rich. We did it cause we both have this voice in our heads saying, do the right thing; get these plaintiffs what they deserve -- the right to live and die in some kind of comfort and peace. If 50,000 isn't gonna buy that, then we gotta say no. (beat) Trust me. If you don't do the right thing for these people, getting that 6 million dollars is gonna feel like shit. He nods to himself, and looks up at her, his mind made up. ED I knew I put up with your bullshit for a reason. INT. ERIN'S NEW CAR - DAY It's raining. They're driving through the tall buildings of Century City. Ed is full of nervous excitement. ED This guy, Erin -- he's got more toxic tort experience than anyone else in California. He's huge. And he said yes to me on the first phone call, right off the bat. (points to a building) That's it. The big one. They've got the top three floors. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, RECEPTION - DAY It feels more like the lobby of a five-star hotel than an office. Erin and Ed step off the elevator. Erin gawks. ERIN Holy shit. Who do they represent, God? ED Don't joke. They might. So do me a favor and behave yourself for once. (to receptionist) Ed Masry to see Kurt Potter. As Ed turns to check his reflection, a YOUNG LAWYER comes through the reception area. Erin watches him pass, then, still miffed, calls out to him. ERIN Scuse me, sir, you got a real nice ass, you know that? The lawyer double-takes on her, then retreats into the office. Erin turns to Ed, smiles. ERIN Oh, I'm sorry. Was that not what you meant by behaving myself? INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD RECEPTION AREA - DAY THERESA DELLAVALLE, 38, junior partner, comes out to greet them. She's everything Erin isn't: conservative, restrained, unemotional. And about as sexy as a station wagon. THERESA Ed. Good to see you again. ED Theresa, hey -- this is Erin Brockovich. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD HALLWAY - DAY Theresa leads Ed and Erin down a long hall of teak desks. The sound of their footfalls is swallowed up by the plush carpeting. Occasional ATTORNEYS and PARALEGALS glance at Erin. She feels their stares. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, KURT POTTER'S OFFICE - DAY Potter is sitting behind his giant desk when Theresa leads Ed and Erin in. THERESA Kurt, Ed Masry's here. And this is Erin Brockovich, Ed's assistant. Erin, this is Kurt Potter. POTTER (to Ed, with a wink) Well. Now I know what you meant when you called her your secret weapon. Erin gives Ed another look. What the fuck? Ed gives her a firm look back. Behave. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Potter, Ed, Erin, Theresa and few PARALEGALS are sitting around the table. As the conversation ping-pongs between Ed and Potter, Potter completely ignores Erin. POTTER When'd they file the demur? ED Yesterday. ERIN What's a demur? ED It's PG&E saying to the judge that we don't have a case. Their lawyers go -- POTTER How many counts? ED Sixty-nine. We've got good answers to all of 'em. ERIN Counts? ED Reasons PG&E thinks it shouldn't go to -- POTTER Who's the judge? ED Corey. POTTER Good. ERIN Why good? ED He's got a reputation for doing all his -- POTTER How long's he gonna take? Erin's starting to steam at Potter. Theresa sees it brewing, tries to intercede. THERESA You know what? Why don't I take Erin down the hall, so we can start in on this stuff? Erin notices all her files in stacks against the wall. ERIN Hey -- those are my files -- THERESA Yeah, we had them couriered over. And listen, good work. They're a great start. We're just going to have to spend a little time filling in the holes in your research. Okay, these people are starting to piss her off. ERIN Excuse me -- Theresa, was it? There are no holes in my research. THERESA No offense. There are just some things we need that you probably didn't know to ask. ERIN Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, okay? I may not have a law degree, but I've spent 18 months on this case, and I know more about those plaintiffs than you ever will. THERESA Erin. You don't even have phone numbers for some of them. ERIN Whose number do you need? THERESA Everyone's. This is a lawsuit. We need to be able to contact the plaintiffs. ERIN I said, whose number do you need? THERESA You don't know six hundreds plaintiffs' numbers by heart. Erin just stares at her. Theresa sighs, reluctantly glances down at a file. THERESA Annabelle Daniels. ERIN Annabelle Daniels. 714-454-9346. As Theresa starts to write it down: ERIN 10 years old, 11 in May. Lived on the plume since birth. Wanted to be a synchronized swimmer, so she spent every minute she could in the PG&E pool. She had a tumor in her brain stem detected last November, had an operation on Thanksgiving, shrunk it with radiation after that. Her parents are Rita and Ted. Ted's got Chron's disease, and Rita has chronic headaches and nausea and underwent a hysterectomy last fall. Ted grew up in Hinkley. His brother Robbie and his wife May and their five kids Robbie, Jr., Martha, Ed, Rose, and Peter lived on the plume too. Their number's 454-9445. You want their diseases? Beat. Erin glares at Theresa, indignant. THERESA Okay, look -- I think we got off on the wrong foot here -- ERIN That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet. In fucking ugly shoes. INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT It's still raining. Erin is following Ed to the car. He's furious. ERIN She insulted me! ED Bullshit. It was a misunderstanding. But instead of handling it politely, instead of treating her with respect -- ERIN Why the fuck should I respect her? Ed stops in his tracks, furious. He glares at her. ED Because that's how people treat each other! ERIN Not in my world. ED Gee, I wonder why. On that, he gets in his car, slams the door, and drives off, leaving her standing alone in the pouring rain. ERIN Hey! You're my ride! INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - DAY Potter and Ed are walking down the hallway, mid-conversation. A FEW PARALEGALS follow them with files. POTTER I've also been thinking about the team. Responsibilities, who should cover what -- ED Right. POTTER I think we should makes some changes. EXT. LINWOOD'S DAIRY - DAY Bob Linwood is in his barn, mucking it out. Theresa is at the edge of the property, trying unsuccessfully to get his attention by yelling and waving her arms. In her expensive shoes, she's stopped short of the cow patty minefield. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON A CLIENT FILE as a hand fills in a phone number. WIDEN TO SEE Erin seated with a PARALEGAL, rattling off facts and numbers from memory. She's seized by a COUGHING FIT. EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY - DAY Theresa still hasn't gotten Linwood's attention. Finally, rather than ruin her shoes, she picks up a stone and tosses it at the barn. It hits the window and BREAKS IT. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - DAY Erin's desk is empty: no Erin, no files, nothing. Ed comes out of his office and hands Brenda a STACK OF DOCUMENTS. CLOSE ON THE FAX LED Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up again, only this time it says: POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD. INT. POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - ANOTHER DAY A SECRETARY carries the documents to Potter's office. On the way, she passes THE CONFERENCE ROOM. Inside, Erin is still dictating to the PARALEGAL. She's shivery with fever now. The floor around her is littered with tissues. INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Theresa is talking to Rita and Ted Daniels. Annabelle is curled up on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket. Rita and Ted notice that Theresa doesn't even look at Annabelle. INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY Erin is lying in bed, home sick, talking on the phone. She's talking over the noise of TANIA, her 20-something Eastern European nanny, vacuuming the hall. ERIN I know she isn't real warm, but they say she's a real good lawyer ... INTERCUT WITH INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Ted Daniels is on the phone. Rita is next to him. TED That may be. But I don't want her coming to the house again. She's kinda stuck-up, and she upsets Annabelle. Now, I hate to say this, but when she left today, Rita asked if we should get a new lawyer. ERIN Ted, no -- don't do that. If you don't like Theresa, you don't have to work with her. Me and Ed are still here for you. TED I called Ed two days ago, Erin, and he still hasn't called me back. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY The phone rings. Brenda picks up. BRENDA Ed Masry's office ... Sorry, he can't be interrupted. INTERCUT WITH Erin at home, still in bed, so irritated. ERIN Don't be a pain in the ass, okay, Brenda? Just put him on. BRENDA (with finality) I said, he can't be interrupted. Erin hangs up. Then, with a groan, she pulls her weary body out of bed. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY Erin drags herself into the office. ROSALIND Hey, Erin, I thought you were taking a sick day. ERIN So did I. She heads toward Ed's office, but stops when she sees a meeting in progress in the conference room. Ed is on the side of the table facing her, flanked by Potter and Theresa. On the other side of the table, are FOUR SUITED BACKS. ERIN What's going on in there? ROSALIND Some meeting. With PG&E people. ERIN PG& -- Are you sure? ROSALIND Yup. They must be important, too, cause they came on a special plane. Erin feels this like a sock in the gut. She stares at the meeting, stunned. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY This band of PG&E lawyers is the oldest and most impressive of all. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are listening to the most senior PG&E lawyer, MR. CORBIN, talk. CORBIN ... we would enter into binding arbitration -- judge, no jury -- with a settlement to be between 50 and 400 million dollars. Ed and Potter hear this and think about it. POTTER Any preconditions on the settlements? CORBIN The plaintiffs have to agree to it unanimously. And they're barred from ever discussing their settlement with anyone. ED 50-400 million dollars isn't a whole hell of a lot of money for your company, Mr. Corbin. HEAD COUNSEL 50-400 million dollars is a great deal of money for your plaintiffs, Mr. Masry. As Ed mulls this, he sees, beyond Mr. Corbin, ERIN staring at him from the other side of the glass wall, her face cold with hurt and anger. ED Could I -- just take a brief break here for a moment? I'll be right back. He gets up and goes out into: INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Ed comes out. Erin's so angry she can barely breathe. ERIN If you tell me to relax, I'm gonna kick your fucking head off -- ED Erin, it's just a meeting. ERIN People don't fly down in their own god damn plane for "just a meeting" -- ED Look, you said you weren't feeling great. I thought you should rest. ERIN Bullshit. You'd drag me off my deathbed if it suited you. ED Okay, look. It's an important meeting. Kurt thought, if it was just lawyers -- ERIN Kurt thought? What about you? Do you think anymore? He resists being dragged into an knock-down, drag-out fight. ED Look, this is serious now. They're talking serious money -- ERIN And, what, I'm not serious? ED You're emotional. You're erratic. You say any God damn thing that comes into your head. And I'm not saying that's bad. That can be great; that can be a lot of fun -- ERIN "Fun?" Jesus, "fun?" I kill myself for a year and a half, hand you the best case of your life on a God damn silver platter, remind you of why you became a lawyer in the first place, and you think of me as "fun?" ED Okay, now you're making this personal, and it isn't -- ERIN Not personal? That's my work in there, Ed. My sweat, my labor, my time. If that's not personal, I don't know what is. She starts to COUGH and CRUMBLE, but fights it. ERIN (weakened) How dare you take that away from me. ED No one's taking anything -- ERIN Bullshit. You stuck me in Siberia dictating to some God damn steno clerk so you could finish this thing without me. After all I've done for you, that's the thanks I get. By now the entire office is watching. As are the lawyers in the conference room. ED Don't give me that. You've gotten plenty. You've been well-paid; you've gotten lots of perks ... ERIN Perks? Jesus -- perks? Erin reaches into her bag, pulls out her cel phone. ERIN If this piece of shit is supposed to take the place of your respect, you can take it and shove it up your ass. She throws it at him and storms away. The phone hits the glass wall of the conference room, CRACKING it. Ed just stands there, with the lawyers staring at him through the splintered glass wall. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY Erin gets to her car. As she opens the door, the ALARM SOUNDS. She fumbles with her keychain, trying to turn it off, but she's too sick and upset to figure it out. With the siren still blaring, she kicks at the car in rage. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin's driving home. As she turns onto her street, her headlights wash across the sidewalk and illuminate a small boy, wearing a backpack, walking the other way. ERIN Holy shit -- She looks over her shoulder, but the sidewalk is too dark. She pulls a U-turn in the middle of the street. A CAR HONKS. Erin scans the sidewalk, finally sees him again. Holy shit, is right. It's Matthew, wandering the streets at night. ERIN Matthew -- She pulls ahead of Matthew and bumps up onto the sidewalk, blocking his path. When he sees her car, he turns and runs the other way. Erin leaps out and follows him. ERIN Matthew! MATTHEW! She catches up and collars him. ERIN God damn it, Matthew. What the hell are you doing out here? MATTHEW I'm gonna go live with George. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT MUSIC is playing. TANIA is on the phone. The receiver is yanked from her hand. She turns to see Erin hovering over her, barely containing herself. ERIN If you leave here real fast, I might not kill you. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATTHEW AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Matthew's in his bed, facing the wall. Erin sitting on the foot of his bed, near tears. Katie's watching from her bed. ERIN We'll work out the roller hockey thing, okay? Whatever you want, we'll work it out. I promise. MATTHEW You always say that. Then you go to work and forget you promised. ERIN I never forget, honey. I try, real hard. It's just, for some reason, I don't seem to be able to organize things right and -- when it comes to you guys, I end up falling short. MATTHEW You never fall short for the work people. I guess maybe you just love them more. ERIN Oh, God, sweetheart, no. There's nothing on Earth I love more than you. Nothing. (beat) I promise. She lays her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off and inches away from her. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin comes out of the bedroom. As she turns to close the door, she collapses to the floor in a heap. Out cold. INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT A busy Southland ER. George bursts through the doors with Katie, Matthew and Beth in tow. He goes up to the desk. GEORGE I'm looking for Erin Brockovich. They brought her in in an ambulance? INT. ER WAITING AREA - DAY The kids are waiting. George is talking to a DOCTOR. GEORGE Meningitis? What the hell is meningitis? DOCTOR It's an inflammation of the spinal cord and part of the brain. GEORGE Jesus. DOCTOR She must be a tough cookie, cause it's a pretty advanced case. I'd say she's been walking around with it for a few weeks now. GEORGE How does someone get meningitis? DOCTOR Usually, in adults, it's from exposure to bacteria or a virus or ... GEORGE ... or lemme guess -- toxic waste? INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Matt and Katie sit on the cheap plastic chairs outside the room. Katie is holding Beth, who's sleeping. GEORGE (O.S.) They can stay at my place till you go home. INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Erin's in bed, hooked up to an IV, looking exhausted. All untouched food tray is beside her bed. George is standing across the room from her, arms crossed tight across his chest, keeping his distance. ERIN They said that'd be tomorrow. They just wanna keep an eye on me another night. GEORGE Fine. I'll drop 'em off tomorrow afternoon. A moment of thick silence. ERIN Thank you. GEORGE (giving nothing) Mm-hm. As she watches him reach for his motorcycle helmet, to leave, she's hit with a wave of regret. ERIN George, hang on. (he pauses) Look ... I'm sorry. I just -- There's a KNOCK at the door, and Ed enters. George looks at him. Not interested in her apologies. GEORGE I'll drop 'em by tomorrow. And Erin watches George leave the room, then turns to Ed. ERIN If you're here to fire me, your timing's lousy. ED I'm not gonna fire you. (beat) I wanted to. But then you got sick, and that woulda made me look like a shit. (serious) You embarrassed me, Erin. ERIN I know. I'm sorry. (beat) Do I get to hear what happened anyway? INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER Ed has taken off his coat and pulled a chair up next to Erin's bed. He's eating the pudding off her tray. ERIN Between 50 and 400 million, definitely? ED Uh-huh. ERIN And if you had to guess ... ED With nothing linking it to the corporate offices yet, I'd say we'll end up on the lower end of that. Still a lot of money. ERIN So why would PG&E offer it? ED Because. They know the evidence; they know they're gonna lose a jury trial. Maybe they wouldn't lose 400 million bucks, but once you factor in all they'd spend on this case in the next ten years, it makes a lot of -- ERIN Wait, what do you mean, ten years? ED Five years, maybe, for a trial. Double that for the appeal. ERIN (confused) I'm sorry, are you saying that if this thing goes to trial, it'll be ten years before these plaintiffs see their money? ED Hey, that's not so bad. Compare it to the Love Canal -- that was twenty years ago, and those people still haven't seen a dime. So in legal terms, ten years is -- ERIN Fuck legal terms. We're talking about human beings here. Sick people. A whole bunch of them are gonna be dead in ten years. They need their money now! (beat) We gotta get 'em to agree to the arbitration, Ed. We gotta get every damn one of those plaintiffs to -- ED I know. We're having a meeting, it's all set up -- ERIN When? Where? ED Tuesday at seven, at the Hinkley firehouse. ERIN Okay, good. I think I should be the one to tell 'em, cause they trust me more than -- ED You're not gonna be there. ERIN The fuck I'm not. I don't care what the doctor says -- ED This isn't doctor's orders. It's mine. I'm saying you can't come. ERIN Why not? ED Because Kurt doesn't want to work with you. He thinks you're a loose cannon. ERIN Fuck Kurt. ED Erin -- ERIN No, I'm serious. You know what Kurt Potter is? He's the kind of guy who never would have taken this case in the first place. He's the kind of guy who would have sold these plaintiffs down the river when PG&E offered 20 million. He doesn't work like us, Ed. There's no little voice in his head telling him to do the right thing. But his mind's made up. He stands to leave. ED Don't come, Erin. I mean it. If you do, I'm gonna have to fire you. (beat) Just ... concentrate on getting well. EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT The parking lot is empty, except for three Mercedes. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are in the doorway, going over their notes. A TRUCK pulls into the lot. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - NIGHT Katie and Matt are watching TV. Beth is playing near them. Behind them, Erin is lying on the couch, under a blanket, distractedly trying to watch TV. She checks her watch. EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT The lot is filling with more cars and trucks; headlights criss-cross each other as people pull in from all directions. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin's sitting up now, jiggling her knee, unable to sit still. She checks her watch again. 6:30. She can't take it. She throws off the blanket and gets up. ERIN Come on, kids, we're going for a ride. INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT CLOSE ON HANDS. As people stream in, they are each handed a release form with a space for a signature on the bottom. INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - LATER It's sweltering. The room, packed with plaintiffs, hums with horse flies and tension. People are fanning themselves with the release forms. Potter's addressing them from a raised platform. Ed, Theresa, and Andrew are seated behind him. POTTER Binding arbitration isn't all that different from a trial. It's overseen by a judge. Evidence is presented in much the same way. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT One more car pulls into the lot. It's Erin's Chevy. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin unbuckles her seat belt. ERIN Stay in the car, babies, I won't be long. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Erin gets out of the car, looks around, then goes over to a window and looks in at the packed meeting. PLAINTIFF (O.S.) And then a jury decides? POTTER (O.S.) No, sorry, I should have mentioned that. There's no jury in binding arbitration. No jury, and no appeal. She climbs up on an old wagon for a better view. BOB LINWOOD (O.S.) No appeal? So what are our options if we don't like the result? POTTER (O.S.) Well -- you have none. The judge's decision is final. But I really don't anticipate that as a problem. INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Now, in addition to the stifling heat, the large room is thick with mistrust. People are shifting in their seats, whispering to each other. TOM BROWN You don't even know what it's gonna be; how do you know we're gonna like it? Agreeing MURMURS ripple through the crowd. POTTER As I said before, it will definitely be somewhere between 50 and 400 million dollars. MANDY BROWN Which? There's a big difference there. POTTER I wouldn't want to speculate at this point. MANDY BROWN Ed -- what do you think it'll be? Potter turns around and looks at Ed seated behind him. ED I think ... Kurt's right. We shouldn't speculate. MANDY BROWN So then, what, that mystery number's divided up at the whim of some judge -- POTTER Judges don't make decisions based on whim, ma'am. They make them based on precedent and evidence. The GRUMBLE of discontent has overtaken the room. More whispering, more movement. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Erin watches the meeting fall apart. It's driving her crazy. ERIN Fucking idiot -- INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Potter sees he's losing them, too. Tries to gain control. POTTER Look. Everyone. Is this a big decision? Absolutely. But I do believe that if you put a little faith in the system, you'll be quite pleased with the outcome. Ted Daniels gets up from his seat. TED DANIELS Mr. Potter, if you knew me from Adam, you'd know that being pleased isn't an option for me anymore. Now don't take this personally, sir, but I've never seen you before in my life. I'm not about to put my faith in anything just cause you tell me to. He drops his agreement form, unsigned, then takes Rita's hand and heads for the door. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Meeting's over. The plaintiffs stream out of the firehouse. Cars start up, headlights flick on. People pull away. INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Everyone has left. Erin enters and looks around. The floor is littered with rejected, unsigned release forms. She thinks for a moment, then gets an idea. She picks up a release form, and leaves the firehouse. EXT. MINI MALL - NIGHT Everything's closed, except the KINKO'S store at the far end. Erin's truck pulls into the parking lot. INT. KINKO'S - NIGHT A BORED EMPLOYEE is at the register, painting with Wite-Out on a blue piece of paper. Erin enters, dragging her kids. ERIN Can I have one of those counter thingies, please? The Employee gives it to her. Erin crosses to the copiers. She slips the release form into one, then taps in the number of copies: 635. Presses "START." The machine WHIRS to life. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Erin's Chevy pulls into the parking lot. MATTHEW (O.S.) I don't want to stay here. It smells. INT. HINKLEY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Erin is entering the crappy motel room with her kids. ERIN We got no choice. I'm not gonna make it home tonight. Now go wash up and climb into bed. As the kids wander toward the bathroom, Erin picks up the phone and dials. RING, RING. GEORGE (O.S.) Hello? ERIN Hi. It's me. (silence) I got a favor to ask you. GEORGE (O.S.) I don't do favors for you anymore. ERIN It's not for me; it's for my kids. You're the only one I trust them with. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - DAY Very early. Erin is visible in the motel office, talking to the clerk, when George's motorcycle pulls into the lot. She turns around and sees him pulling up next to her Chevy. EXT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY Erin comes up to him, hands him a key. ERIN I got you your own room. He takes it, glances toward the motel room. GEORGE They up? ERIN Hunh-uh. Not yet. (awkward beat) Look, don't take any of 'em on your bike, okay? Call a cab if you wanna go somewhere. She hands him a wad of cash. GEORGE How long's this whole thing gonna take? ERIN I don't know. Few days. (beat) Thanks for helping me. I appreciate it. He nods. She gets into her car. Before closing the door, she turns back to him. ERIN And I miss you. GEORGE Yeah, well -- good help is hard to find. She sees how mad she's made him. Takes a beat. ERIN I treated you real bad, George. I know that. But, my problem was -- I never been with anyone who deserved better than that. You're the first nice guy who ever liked me. George softens, shifts. He steps toward the truck and gently closes her door, so he's standing close to her. ERIN I just ... didn't know how to handle it. That's all. He thinks about this. Finally: GEORGE Think you could learn? ERIN (with a smile) You know me. I pick things up real fast. He smiles back at her, nods, then tenderly brushes a piece of hair out of her eyes. GEORGE You shouldn't be driving around, you know. You're sick. ERIN Yeah, but I'm gonna get better. A lot of these folks aren't. He nods, understanding. Then he taps the side of her truck and turns toward the motel room. She puts the truck in gear and pulls out. EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - DAY Erin's Chevy is bombing down the road. INT. ERIN'S CAR, BACK SEAT - DAY There are two boxes there -- one full of unsigned release forms, the other empty. EXT. DONNA'S NEW HOUSE - DAY Donna's gardening out front, her head wrapped in a scarf to cover her chemo-thinning hair, when Erin's Chevy pulls into the driveway. Erin gets out, goes to the back of the truck, gets two of the release forms, then heads over to Donna. INT. DONNA'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Erin is sitting with Pete and Donna. DONNA I don't know, Erin -- the way he was talking to us, telling us everything was gonna be fine -- I just didn't trust him. PETE And after all we been through -- no jury, no appeal. It just makes me nervous. ERIN I understand all that. And I don't wanna force you into anything. If you don't want to sign, that's fine. But why don't we talk it over a little, cause I'd sure hate for you to turn this down for the wrong reasons. EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY The door opens. Erin emerges, holding two signed agreements. Donna is letting her out. ERIN You wouldn't happen to have a little time right now, would you, Donna? DONNA For what? ERIN Well, I was gonna head over to the Browns now. I was thinking -- Mandy really values your opinion ... INT. MANDY'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Erin, Donna, Mandy, and Tom are seated on the sofas. Mandy signs an agreement. Hands the pen to Tom, who also signs. EXT. LINWOODS' HOUSE - DAY From outside, we see Erin at the kitchen table with Donna and Bob and Ruth Linwood, who are listening intently. INT. DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY Erin and Donna are leaving, saying good-bye to Mary DeSoto. Erin has a signed release form in her hand. INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S CAR - DAY DISCO blares. The two boxes. The formerly empty one now has a small stack of signed release forms in it. The top one has Bob Linwood's signature. IN THE FRONT SEAT Erin is driving, eating a hamburger, and going over her list of plaintiffs. EXT. HINKLEY MART - EVENING People are going about their shopping. Rita Daniels is stopped, talking with A FEW MORE PLAINTIFFS. RITA I thought so, too, but Erin says a trial's gonna take years INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT The signed stack has grown; the unsigned stack has shrunk. Erin drops five more agreements into the "signed" box. INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT In the wee hours. While her kids sleep, Erin sits at the cheap motel room table, going through her forms, organizing, alphabetizing. INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON ERIN, fast asleep at the table, her face pressed against the linoleum. There's some NOISE in the room, WHISPERING. Erin stirs and looks around to see George behind her, diapering Beth, while Matt and Katie put their shoes on. ERIN What time is it? GEORGE Real early. We're just gonna take your car to get some breakfast. Erin forces herself awake. ERIN No, I need my car -- GEORGE We'll just be a minute. Get a little more sleep. He picks up Beth, takes Katie's hand, and calls across the room to Matthew. GEORGE C'mon, pal. Leave that alone, we gotta go. Erin turns to see Matthew holding one of her release forms. ERIN Oh, baby, please don't play with that, okay? I got 'em all organized. Just put it back. But he's reading it. And something has caught his attention. He looks up at Erin. MATTHEW This girl's the same age as me. Erin gently takes the form away from Matthew, wanting to shield him from the harsh realities of this case. ERIN That's right, sweetheart. She replaces the form on top of the stack. MATTHEW She's one of the sick people? ERIN Yeah. She is. (beat) But you know what? That's why I'm helping her. So she can get some medicine to make her feel better. Matthew mulls this over a bit more. MATTHEW How come her own mom isn't helping her? ERIN Cause her own mom's real sick, too. Matthew thinks real hard about this, then heads over to the door, where George, Beth, and Katie are waiting for him. Before he leaves, though, he turns back to Erin. MATTHEW Maybe we'll bring you back some breakfast. You want eggs? She looks at the group of them, feels their shift toward acceptance. Smiles, moved. ERIN Eggs'd be great, baby. Eggs'd be perfect. INT. ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY Erin's driving along a dusty Hinkley road, eating cold eggs out of a take-out container with her fingers. EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY Morning. A GROUP OF MEN are arriving at work. Erin's truck pulls up. She grabs some release forms from the truck and wanders up to the men. ERIN Hey, y'all. How you all doing today? INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY She tosses eight more agreements in the signed stack. EXT. HINKLEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY Morning drop-off time. Erin is handing out release forms zo a GROUP of MOTHERS who just dropped off their kids. EXT. HINKLEY MART - NIGHT Erin is leaning on the hood of her truck, going down her list of plaintiffs, checking off the ones who have already signed. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - DAY Another day. Erin has set up shop here and is at a table with about FIVE PLAINTIFFS, all reading agreements. MIKE AMBROSINO enters. Erin spots him. ERIN Mike! I been looking all over for you. Come here, I wanna talk to you. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT The signed stack is getting bigger. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY And bigger. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY And still bigger. EXT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT CLOSE ON ERIN'S TRUNK. A bunch more forms get thrown onto the signed stack, which is now much higher than the unsigned. ERIN (O.S.) I'm gonna head out to Barstow and talk to some folks out there tonight. WIDEN TO REVEAL Erin talking on a nearby pay phone. GEORGE (O.S.) Promise you'll turn around if you get tired. ERIN I will. Bye. She hangs up. As she turns to get into her car, she finds herself face-to-face with the Man in the Dark Glasses. ERIN Jesus! He's just standing there, a foot away, blocking her exit. She recognizes his truck as the one that chased her. ERIN Okay, what're you gonna do? You gonna kill me? Dump my body in a ditch somewhere? Or maybe you just wanna inject me with some poison too -- why change tactics at this stage of the game? (beat) Get outta my way, you make me sick. She pushes past him. But he grabs her by the arm. He's a big guy; it's a strong grab. Now she's scared. For a moment, he does nothing. Just looks at her. Then: DARK GLASSES If PG&E made someone destroy a whole lot of documents -- would that matter to you? Erin takes a beat, realizing she completely misread him. She gently pulls her arm away. ERIN Well ... I guess that depends on what the documents were. (she takes a beat) I'm sorry -- I didn't get your name. DARK GLASSES Embry. Charles Embry. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT Erin and Embry are the only patrons. Erin's eating a burger. Embry has a beer. He's talking quietly, not looking at her. EMBRY I was working in the compressor, and out of nowhere the supervisor calls me up to the office and says, we're gonna give you a shredder machine, and send you on down to the warehouse. We want you to get rid of all the documents stored out there. ERIN Did he say why? EMBRY Nope. And I didn't ask. ERIN Did you get a look at the stuff you destroyed? EMBRY Well, it's pretty boring work, shredding -- you gotta find some way to entertain your mind. So yeah, I took a look. ERIN And ...? EMBRY There was a lot of dull stuff -- vacation schedules, the like. (beat) But then there were a few memos about the holding ponds. The water in them. They had readings from test wells, stuff like that. Erin tries to hide her excitement at this information. ERIN And you were told to destroy those? EMBRY That's right. Destruction of evidence. Pretty big deal. Erin plays it down. Wipes her mouth with her napkin, takes a sip of beer. EMBRY Course as it turns out, I'm not a very good employee. ERIN What do you mean? EMBRY Well. There were a few documents that I somehow didn't get around to shredding. (beat) That I kept instead. Erin stops, mid-bite. INT. EMBRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT He's dug out an inch-high stack of documents. Erin looks them over, stunned. Embry is standing apart from her, hands shoved deep in his pockets. ERIN How come you didn't say anything when you found these things? EMBRY At the time, I thought, I got six kids, some of 'em want to go to college. I can't afford to lose my job. I told myself I was being honorable. (beat) But there's nothing honorable in what I did. (beat) Maybe that's why they picked me for the job. Maybe they knew what kind of man I was. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Rosalind is at the desk. Anna, Brenda, and Jane are helping themselves to coffee. Erin enters, with a big box in her arms and a whole lot of attitude. ERIN Hey, Ros, where are they? ROSALIND In the conference -- But Erin's spotted them and headed off before Rosalind can finish. Anna, Brenda and Jane notice the purpose in her gait. They watch her with interest. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The table is covered with boxes of documents: the anticipated slew of paper that PG&E is sending them. Ed, Kurt, Theresa, Andrew and ABOUT FIVE PARALEGALS are sifting through them. Erin breezes in like sunshine. ERIN Morning! ED Erin? What are you -- ERIN (ignoring Ed) You know what, Mr. Potter? I completely forgot your birthday this year. And seeing as how you've been so good to me, I think that is a terrible oversight. So what I been doing over the last few days is I've been putting together a present for you. She plunks the box down on the table. Potter opens the top of the box. Looks in. ERIN 635. They all signed. Every single one. IN THE DOORWAY, Anna, Brenda and Jane appear, wondering what's up. A huge smile of appreciation slowly spreads across Ed's face. ED Ho - ly - shit. ERIN Oh, now don't get all jealous, Ed. I got a little something for you, too. Erin hands Ed a manila envelope. He opens it. ERIN Internal PG&E documents, all about the contamination. The one I like best says, and I'm paraphrasing here, but it says yes, the water's poisonous, but it'd be better for all involved if this matter wasn't discussed with the neighbors. It's to the Hinkley station, from PG&E Headquarters. Stamped received, March, 1966. Potter and Theresa reel. Ed shakes his head in disbelief. POTTER Where did -- how did you do this? ERIN Well, what with me not having any brains or legal expertise, I just went on up there and performed sexual favors. 635 blow jobs in five days. Whew, am I ever tired. And she struts out of the room, leaving everyone slack-jawed. The CLIP CLIP CLIP of her heels carry her away. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Erin comes out of the office, flushed with success, and heads down the hall. She presses the elevator button. The doors open. As she steps on, Ed comes out of the office. ED Hey! Erin puts her hand in the door, keeping it from closing. He stares at her, in awe. ED I don't know what to say. ERIN Say you were wrong. ED I was wrong. ERIN Say you shortchanged me and you shortchanged yourself. ED I did. Both. ERIN Say you'd be the luckiest son of a bitch on Earth if I didn't up and quit over all this. ED The luckiest son of a bitch in the universe, Erin. The luckiest son of a bitch in history. He looks down the hall at her, standing so tall and proud in the elevator. He walks toward her, stops right outside the elevator. ED But I know you're not gonna quit on me. ERIN How do you know that? ED (with a smile) Cause you got a little voice in your head saying, do the right thing. Give him another chance. Of course she will. She releases her hand so he won't see her smiling. Ed watches the doors close. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PCH - DAY One of those days when the bay sparkles like a glitter ball. Erin's Chevy moves up the PCH. DISCO music emanates from it. INT. ERIN'S CHEVY - DAY Erin's at the wheel. Time has passed -- her hair's a little different. She's singing along with "Funky Town." EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY Erin gets out of her new truck, looks, sees the Irvings in a little cluster. Donna's under an umbrella. Pete is slathering on sunscreen. The two girls zip out toward the water. Erin waves. Pete and Donna spot her, wave back. EXT. BEACH - LATER Donna is standing at the edge of the water, watching her girls boogie board in. Erin comes up behind her. ERIN How you feeling today? Donna turns, sees her. Smiles. DONNA It's a good day. I feel good. ERIN Well, then -- if you're feeling up to it, maybe we should talk shop. Erin sits down on a rock. ERIN The judge came up with a number. DONNA A number for the whole group, or for us? ERIN Both. Donna sits down next to her. ERIN He's making them pay the maximum. Tears of vindication spring to Donna's eyes. DONNA Oh, my God. ERIN And he's making them give five million of it to you all. DONNA Five million dollars? ERIN Five million dollars. She reels. After a breathless beat: DONNA I don't even know how much money that is. ERIN It's enough -- for whatever you need, for whatever your girls need, for whatever your girls' girls need -- it'll be enough. Donna wipes the tears off her face, then watches the light flickering off her girls playing in the surf. DONNA I can put them in a good school. ERIN Any school you want. DONNA And get someone to help around the house. ERIN Yup. DONNA Oh my God. Oh my God. Donna is overwhelmed. Erin pulls her close. DONNA Oh, my God. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Now this is where the hot lawyers work. A gleaming testament to power. INT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE - DAY Boxes everywhere. They just moved in. Everyone is unpacking at his or her desk. Rosalind is manning the new phones. ROSALIND Masry & Vititoe, can I -- shoot! She lost them. Her reaction indicates this isn't the first time. The front doors open and Erin enters. ERIN Hey, Ros. Nice view, huh? ROSALIND Yeah, I'm gonna start sleeping here. (into phone) Masry & Vititoe, can I -- damn it. (calling out) Does anyone know anything about these phones? Erin heads on down a hall to: INT. ED'S NEW OFFICE - DAY A beautiful corner office. Ed is unpacking when Erin enters. ERIN Careful you don't spit from here; you could kill someone. ED You see your office? ERIN Yeah. Yours is nicer. ED Oh, okay. Here it comes. ERIN Here what comes? ED The extortion, the threats ... ERIN I wasn't gonna -- ED "I can always find someplace else to work. Someplace that'll pay me a fortune and give me a view of the French Riviera ..." ERIN Ed, I swear, I'm not -- ED Okay, fine. Fine You backed me into a corner again. You're holding me hostage ... He reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a check. Hands it to her. ERIN What is that? ED Take it. Erin does. Looks at it. Her eyes bug out. ERIN Two million dollars? ED The firm took in sixty. That's three percent. Seemed like a fair bonus to me. She stares at it, speechless. He goes back to unpacking ED Oh, now I suppose you're gonna say it's not enough. Well, tough, Erin. Too goddamn bad. Cause this is absolutely, positively where I draw the line. FADE OUT. THE ENDERIN BROCKOVICH A True Story by Susannah Grant February 1, 1998 EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SUBURB, MAIN DRAG - DAY Palms sway ... the sun washes everything in yellow ... cars motor down either side of the landscaped median ... the calls of mockingbirds mingle with the BLIP BLIP of car alarms. ON THE SIDEWALK, a SKATEBOARD CA-LUNKS down the sidewalk, past the foot traffic of Southern Californians: flip-flops, Doc Marten's, Rollerblades, Nikes ... then, in the middle of this pedestrian normalcy, a pair of IMPOSSIBLY HIGH SPIKE- HEELED PUMPS struts out of a shop. So high it hurts to look at them. As the shoes leave frame, we TILT UP and see they're leaving a 99-cent store. As the Pumps turn and head up the street, we see they are connected to a pair of IMPOSSIBLY LONG, SHAPELY LEGS. Eveready legs -- they just keep going and going. They saunter past two BUSINESSMEN on a lunch break. The men pause and glance as men tend to when they see a beautiful woman. In fact, everyone this woman passes lets their eyes rest on her a microsecond longer than usual. - Two SKATEBOARDERS note the STRETCHY MICRO-MINI skimming the tops of her thighs. - A MAILMAN spots the BIG, DARK SUNGLASSES tucked into a MOUNTAIN OF BIG, BLOND HAIR. - A PRE-TEEN GIRL glimpses the PLUNGING NECKLINE of the TIGHT, BRIGHT RED MIDRIFF-BARING BUSTIER. It isn't until she rounds the corner at the end of the block that we see her entire figure and appreciate why everyone is so goggle-eyed. Eye-catching is an understatement. All those folks who say Barbie's proportions are unrealistic have obviously never met ERIN BROCKOVICH. EXT. AROUND THE CORNER - DAY A side street. No pedestrians, just parked cars. A PARKING TICKET flaps under the wiper of an old Hyundai. ERIN Fuck. Even when she talks dirty, there's a heartland goodness to her voice. Like Kansas corn fields swaying in the breeze. As she grabs the ticket from the windshield, her sunglasses accidentally CLATTER to the ground. ERIN Shit. When she picks them up, a fingernail snags on the pavement. ERIN God damn it. She tends to the nail as she opens her car door and gets in. WIDER ON THE STREET The Hyundai starts it up, signals. Then, just as it pulls slowly out into the street, a JAGUAR barrels around the corner, accelerating out of the turn, and rams into the side of Erin's car, sending it CAREENING into the median. It SMASHES into a foot-thick lightpost. And stops. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY A boring building on a boring block in the Valley, surrounded by strip malls. Definitely not where the power lawyers work. ROSALIND (O.S.) Morning, Mr. Masry. How you doing today? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY Generic. Cottage cheese ceilings, motel art. A sign over the reception desk reads: MASRY & VITITOE, ATTORNEYS AT LAW. ED MASRY, senior partner, slumps by ROSALIND, his chipper receptionist, with a cup of coffee in his hand. He's in his mid-50's, compact and -- even though it's only 9 AM -- already rumpled. ED Don't ask that on Mondays, Rosalind. Whatever passion he once had for the personal injury law that is his career has long since dissipated. He trundles off toward his office. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed's secretary BRENDA -- 50's, jaded, hates her job, but what can you do? -- is on the phone when Ed rounds the corner. She puts the call on hold, turns to Ed. BRENDA Tony Marvin. ED Oh, Jesus. Who's responsible for his pain and suffering this time? BRENDA His dry cleaners. You want him? ED What do you think? What's this? He grabs a gift-wrapped bottle off her desk, reads the card. BRENDA Tequila. From your drug dealer friend. ED Carlos isn't a friend; he's a client. BRENDA He's a low-life. Speaking of which, that's your nine o'clock in there. Ed peers into his office. It's a mess -- papers everywhere, unopened mail. Standing in the middle of the room is Erin, in a teensy, leopard-print mini-dress. As she jiggles a spike-heeled foot, everything about her shimmies gloriously. Except her head, which is held in place by a neck brace. ED Whoa. (to Brenda) Remind me. BRENDA Erin Brockovich. Car accident. Not her fault, she says. (sarcastic) And she looks like such an honest girl, don't you think? ED You shouldn't judge, Brenda. BRENDA Right. Lap-dancers are people too. As Ed heads into his office, Brenda picks up the phone. BRENDA I can't find him, Tony. We'll have to call you back. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Not an office that exudes authority, and Ed's blustery entrance only adds to the sense of chaos. ED Erin -- hi. Sorry you had to wait. Here, sit down, sit down. He clears a stack of papers off a chair. ERIN Thanks a lot. (as she sits) I tell you, I never thought just standing would take it out of me, but ever since that shithead hit me, it feels like my whole body's put together wrong. Ed gives her a look of pro-forma sympathy. ED Jesus, you poor thing. (he sits) Well, listen, you came to the right place. Whoever did this to you made one hell of a mistake, and you and me, we're gonna make him pay for it. He takes out a pad and paper, gets ready to write. ED Why don't you tell me what happened? DISSOLVE TO: INT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA COURTROOM - DAY Erin is on the stand, wearing the most conservative thing she owns: a red, form-fitting mini dress, telling her story to Ed, who's questioning her. ERIN I was pulling out real slow, and out of nowhere, his Jaguar comes racing around the corner like a bat outta hell ... She glances at the defendant's table, where a DOCTOR sits nobly in surgical scrubs. His WIFE and two beautiful KIDS are behind him. A frigging Norman Rockwell painting. LATER IN HER TESTIMONY: ERIN They took some bone from my hip and put it in my neck. I didn't have insurance, so I'm about seventeen thousand in debt right now. STILL LATER: ERIN ... couldn't take painkillers cause they made me too groggy to take care of my kids. STILL LATER: ERIN ... Matthew's six, Katie's four, and Beth's just nine months. STILL LATER: ERIN ... just wanna be a good mom, a nice person, a decent citizen. Just wanna take good care of my kids. You know? ED (oh so moved) Yeah. I know. INT. COURTROOM - LATER Erin is still on the stand. But now the doctor's lawyer is questioning her. DEFENDING LAWYER Seventeen thousand in debt. Whew. Is your ex-husband helping out? ERIN Which one? DEFENDING LAWYER (feigning shock) There's more than one? ERIN Yeah. There's two. Why? Erin looks over at the jury. The personification of conservative family values. Oh, shit. LATER IN HER TESTIMONY: ERIN (getting defensive) ... not like a career, cause I had my babies. But I woulda worked, for sure, if I didn't have this neck thing. Erin sees a juror staring judgmentally at her short hem. Erin gives it a tug, pulling it down a stitch. DEFENDING LAWYER (sarcastic) Right. No doubt. Erin sees a few jurors share dubious glances. Great. STILL LATER: The defendant's lawyers is on the offensive. Erin's starting to feel the case slipping away. DEFENDING LAWYER So. You must've been feeling pretty desperate that afternoon. ERIN (pointed) What's your point? Ed shakes his head slightly to her -- don't get mad. DEFENDING LAWYER Broke, three kids, no job. A doctor in a Jaguar must've looked like a pretty good meal ticket. Erin sees jurors nodding almost imperceptibly in agreement. She's on a sinking ship. ERIN What? Hey -- he hit me. DEFENDING LAWYER So you say. ERIN He came tearing around the corner, out of control -- DEFENDING LAWYER An ER doctor who spends his days saving lives was the one out of control -- ERIN (erupting) That asshole smashed in my fucking neck! INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY The door to the courtroom flies open and Erin comes out, furious. Ed follows her as she heads for the elevator. ERIN Open and shut? Open and fucking shut? ED If you hadn't used profanity -- ERIN Oh, please, it was long over by then. God damn, he made me look like some cheap -- ED I told you the questions might get a little personal -- ERIN Bullshit. You told me I'd get half a million dollars. You told me I'd be set. Ed notices her ranting is starting to draw attention. ED Okay -- let's try and settle down here. ERIN Settle down? I got 74 bucks to my name, Mr. Masry! I can't afford to settle down! Beat. ED I'm sorry, Erin. ERIN Yeah? Well, fuck you. Sorry doesn't feed my kids. Erin turns away from him and heads for the stairway. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY A shitty little house in a shitty part of Northbridge. The Hyundai with a bashed-in side pulls up to the curb. Erin gets out, takes the mail from her mailbox, then heads over to the equally grim house next door and rings the bell. A Hispanic woman in her 60's opens the door, holding a white baby. This is MRS. MORALES. MRS. MORALES Hi, Erin! You're back so soon. How was it? She hands Erin the baby. It's BETH, Erin's 9-month old. Erin avoids the question by focusing on her baby. ERIN Hi, sweetie. Were you a good girl? Where are Matt and Katie? MRS. MORALES Outside with the sprinkler. So it's good? The truth is too depressing to share. ERIN It'll be fine, yeah. MRS. MORALES Ai, bueno. Because I didn't want to tell you before, with your worries -- ERIN What? MRS. MORALES My daughter, she's bought a big house with a room for me. I'm going to move in with her. ERIN You're moving away? When? MRS. MORALES Next week. ERIN (stunned) Wow, that's soon -- MRS. MORALES I know. But it's good for me. Now I can help my daughter take care of my grandkids. And it's good for you, too. Now you have money, you can find a good babysitter, huh? Not the old lady next door. Oh, God. In Erin's arms, Beth starts to COUGH. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin carries Beth up to her house. As she nears her door, she steps on a GIANT WATER BUG. It crunches under her sole. ERIN Ugh. Insult added to injury. She heads up to the house, dragging her shoe, wiping off the bug guts. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN LIVING/DINING SPACE - DAY Just as dull inside. Salvation Army furniture. A lot of beige. Erin's two older kids, MATTHEW (7) and KATIE (5) are at the table. Beth is in a baby seat. Erin spoons some Mac & Cheese onto their plates, trying to hide her worry. MATTHEW I don't like this part, it's all crusty. KATIE I like the crust. Erin switches the plates. ERIN Put your napkins in your laps and eat up. KATIE How come you're not eating? Cause there isn't enough food. ERIN Mamma's gonna eat later. From her baby seat on the table, Beth COUGHS some more. Thick, sick-sounding coughs. Erin looks at her. ERIN Don't go getting sick on me, baby. Okay? INT. ERIN'S BATHROOM - NIGHT The shower and sink are both on full, filling the room with STEAM. Erin is seated with COUGHING, CRYING Beth on her lap, trying to steam the illness out of her. ERIN It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. I promise. But her face doesn't look like she believes it. EXT. DRUGSTORE - DAY Matt and Katie are messing around with a gumball machine. INT. DRUGSTORE, AISLE - DAY Erin is holding Beth, wandering the aisles. She stops at the medicines, thinks for a long moment, then, hating herself, glances to make sure no one's looking, and picks up a bottle. INT. DRUGSTORE, AT THE REGISTER - DAY As a CUSTOMER steps away from the register, Erin steps up with the bottle in her hand and smiles at the CHECK-OUT LADY. ERIN Hi, remember me? I was in yesterday. Bought a whole mess of stuff? Round about five? CHECK-OUT LADY Honey, it's a zoo here at five. I'm lucky if I even see a face, much less remember it. ERIN Oh, shoot, yeah, I guess that'd be tough. Well, listen, I meant to buy my baby here some medicine, and by the time I got home, I realized I'd bought the adult stuff by mistake. And now, wouldn't you know, I can't find the receipt. I was wondering -- could I maybe exchange it anyway ... INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin feeds Beth her medicine, feeling miserable about it. ERIN Just remember. No matter what your Mamma does, lying and stealing is real bad. I don't ever wanna hear you doing something like that ... On the table beside her sit the classifieds. Row after row of want ads circled, then X-'d out in red. A WATER BUG crawls across the edge of the paper. ERIN ... Cause there's no excuse for it, you hear me? No excuse at all. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Midday. Ed enters with a cup of coffee in his hand. As he heads to his desk, he trips on a box of files. Coffee sloshes out of his cup, onto his shirt. ED Damn it! (calling out) Brenda! She pops her head in. BRENDA Yeah? He grabs a tissue, swabs his shirt, then kicks at the box. ED What the hell is this doing here? BRENDA It's those files you asked for. ED I didn't mean for you to leave them in the middle of the floor. Jesus. Look at me. What do I have this afternoon? BRENDA Nothing you can't show up for with a stain. As Ed checks his reflection in the glass wall of his office, he notices, on the other side: ERIN, standing in the middle of the secretaries' area, in a miniskirt and leather bustier, talking to MARIO, the firm's mentally challenged office boy. Mario heads away from her. ED What's she doing here? BRENDA Who? Ed goes to his office door and waves Mario over. ED Hey -- Mario -- what's she doing here? MARIO She works here. Ed looks back at her -- what the hell? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY The support staff -- mostly middle-aged women -- are all stealing glances at Erin. Ed comes up to her, all friendly. ED Erin! How's it going? Up close, the wear and tear of worry show on her face. ERIN You never called me back. I left messages. ED You did? Wow, sorry about that. (beat) Listen, Mario's a little not so bright. He seems to think that you said -- ERIN There's two things I can't stand, Mr. Masry. Being ignored, and being lied to. You did both. Glances skitter between the secretaries -- get a load of this. Ed lowers his voice. ED I never lied. I may have miscalculated -- that happens sometimes, but -- ERIN You said things would be fine, and they're not. ED I'm sorry about that. Really. But -- ERIN I don't need pity. I need a paycheck. And I've looked, but when you've spent the last six years raising babies, it's real hard to convince someone to give you a job that pays worth a damn. So I figure, since you're the one who said I was gonna be okay, you should be the one to hire me. Ed sees everyone watching him, listening. ED I'd love to help, Erin, but I'm sorry, I have a full staff right now, so -- He starts to escort her out, but she stays put. ERIN Bullshit. If you had a full staff, you'd have time to return your damn phone calls. She's backing him into a corner here. He shifts gears. ED Okay, look. If you really want to apply for a job here, you can do it the way everyone else does. Send in a rÈsumÈ, make an -- ERIN I'm not everyone else, Mr. Masry. I'm someone you made promises to that you didn't deliver on. I trusted you. With my kids' well-being. Now, I'm smart, and I'm hard- working, and I'll do anything. But if you think I'm leaving here without a job, you got another thing coming. Ed glances around the room. Not a whole lot of options here. He looks back at Erin. ED No benefits. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY A tight office lined with file cabinets and shelves. ANNA, the humorless file clerk, is showing Erin around. ANNA ... what we do in here is keep track of all the case files. That way, at any time, we can find out a case's status -- where it is in the office, stuff like that. We file 'em all here, alphabetically -- ERIN Oh, hell. (beat) I'm dyslexic. ANNA That's a joke, right? Erin shakes her head, no. Great, thinks Anna. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY As Anna shows Erin around the office, they pass JANE, the bitter office manager, and Brenda, at the coffee area. JANE Just last week, he told my sister we weren't hiring. BRENDA What's your sister look like? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT Ed is packing up his office. Erin sticks her head in. ERIN Mr. Masry? He turns, sees her. ED Yeah? ERIN I was wondering -- could you tell me who I'd talk to about maybe getting an advance on my paycheck? Just -- for the weekend. ED Jane's the office manager. She handles payroll and petty cash. But she leaves early on Fridays. ERIN Oh. Okay. That's okay. Ed looks at her a moment, sees that it's far from okay. ED Oh, for Christ's sake ... He takes out his wallet, looks in. ED All I have is hundreds. ERIN I don't wanna take your money, Mr. Masry. ED Bullshit, you don't. He slaps a hundred in her hand and leaves. When he's gone, she looks at the bill -- her life raft -- and gives it a great big kiss. EXT. BABYSITTER'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin is at the door, taking Beth from the BABYSITTER, a shabby, unkempt-looking woman in her 40's. Katie and Matt pull on their backpacks and troop out of the sitter's house. EXT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT Erin is leaving the store, carrying Beth in one arm and a bag of groceries in the other. Katie and Matt are each carrying a bag of groceries as well. They are all singing and moving with the jaunty step of the newly carefree. Katie spots a flower display outside the store. KATIE Mommy, can I get a flower? ERIN Sweetheart, you can get a whole big bunch. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT A small room with Salvation Army furniture. A BUNCH OF DAISIES is propped in a Ragu jar on Katie's bedside table. Matt and Katie are asleep in bed. Erin looks down at them, smiles, then kisses them good-night. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin comes out of the bedroom and softly closes the door. But just as the handle clicks into place, the house is filled with the DEAFENING ROAR of a MOTORCYCLE, REVVING and REVVING. It sounds as if it's gonna drive through the wall. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin steps out onto her front stoop and looks over at what used to be Mrs. Morales's house. A few MOTORCYCLES are parked on the lawn; A FEW BIKERS are drinking beer on the stoop; and one asshole is on his bike, REVVING HIS ENGINE. ERIN Hey! But of course he can't hear her. She walks over to him, stands right in his line of vision. ERIN HEY! He sees her and kills the engine. Everything about GEORGE HALABY is tough -- his denim, his leather, his bike, his long hair. Everything but his eyes, which twinkle like Santa's. GEORGE Well, hello to you, darlin'. ERIN What the hell do you think you're doing, making all that Goddamn noise? GEORGE Just introducing myself to the neighbors. ERIN Well, I'm the neighbors. There, now we're introduced, so you can shut the fuck up. The guys on the porch chuckle. Erin turns and starts back to her house. George hops off his bike and follows her. GEORGE Ooh, now, see, if I'da known there was a beautiful woman next door, I'da done this different. Let's start over. My name's George. What's yours? ERIN Just think of me as the person next door who likes it quiet, and we'll get along fine. GEORGE Now, don't be like that. Tell you what. How about if I take you out on a date to apologize for my rudeness? Erin shakes her head in disbelief and keeps walking. GEORGE Come on. Gimme your number, I'll call you up proper and ask you out and everything. She stops at her porch, turns to him. ERIN You want my number? GEORGE I do. ERIN Which number do you want, George? GEORGE You got more than one? ERIN Shit, yeah. I got numbers coming out of my ears. Like, for instance, ten. GEORGE Ten? ERIN Sure. That's one of my numbers. It's how many months old my little girl is. GEORGE You got a little girl? ERIN Yeah. Sexy, huh? And here's another: five. That's how old my other daughter is. Seven is my son's age. Two is how many times I been married and divorced. You getting all this? 16 is the number of dollars in my bank account. 454-3943 is my phone number. And with all the other numbers I gave you, I'm guessing zero is the number of times you're gonna call it. She turns and heads inside. He calls out after her: GEORGE How the hell do you know your bank balance right off the top of your head like that? See, that impresses me. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Morning. Erin walks in, wearing her usual garb. She passes the coffee area, where Jane, Brenda, and Anna are milling. Brenda sees her, gives Anna a nudge. They both check out her short hem. Anna nudges Jane, who looks as well. Erin glances over just in time to see all three of them staring at her judgementally. She stops in her tracks and stares back. ERIN Y'all got something you wanna discuss? The women go back to stirring their coffees. Erin walks on. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is walking into his office with a coffee cup in his hand when he trips over the same box of files again. ED Damn it! (calling out) Brenda! (no answer) BRENDA! INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY Erin is alone, filing as she talks on the phone. ERIN How long's she been crying like that? ... Well, she's got that tooth coming in -- Ed appears in the door, carrying the box of files. ERIN Give her a cold washcloth to suck on -- (sees Ed) I gotta go -- there's a clean one in that bag -- I'll check back in a bit. (hangs up) Sorry. My kid -- ED Where's Anna? ERIN Out to lunch with the girls. ED Oh. Huh. (beat) Well, look, I got this file I need valued. Real estate thing. A lady has some property next to a PG&E plant that PG&E wants to buy. I need to know what to ask for it. He plunks the box of files on her desk. She stares at it, with no idea of how to go about that. ERIN Oh. Okay. He sees her staring at the box. ED You do know how to do that, don't you? ERIN Yeah. I got it. No problem. ED Good. Ed heads out, but pauses before leaving. ED You're a girl. ERIN Excuse me? ED How come you're not at lunch with the girls? You're a girl. ERIN I guess I'm not the right kind. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - NIGHT Erin is at her desk, staring bewildered at the files from the box Ed gave her, which are now spread across her desktop. She sees Anna packing up her things, to leave. ERIN Anna? With this real-estate valuing stuff - - could you remind me, cause I'm a little confused about how exactly we do that. ANNA (exasperated) Erin, you've been here three weeks. If you don't know how to do your job by now, I am not about to do it for you. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Katie and Matt are running up to the house. Erin follows, toting Beth under one arm and the box of documents under the other. She steps on another water bug. ERIN Ugh. As she wipes the bug guts off the bottom of her shoe: GEORGE (O.S.) Hey, neighbor, wanna beer? She spots George on his stoop, with a six-pack beside him. ERIN No. GEORGE C'mon. I bought 'em for you, to make up for that night. ERIN Return 'em. Maybe you'll get your money back. He gets up and follows her to her house. GEORGE Now, why're you giving me such a hard time? I'm just trying to be a good neighbor. Erin turns to him. The kids are waiting at the door. ERIN I had a good neighbor, George. She was 60 and Mexican and she watched my kids for free. Something tells me you're not gonna be able to measure up to that. GEORGE You need help with your kids? I could probably do that. George reaches out and grabs the box from under her arm. ERIN I'm not gonna leave my kids with you. GEORGE Why not? ERIN Cause I don't even know you. GEORGE Yeah, and whose fault is that? He's got a point there. After a beat: GEORGE What, you got so many friends in this world, you don't have use for one more? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT George is on the floor with Matt and Katie, playing War. Katie points to the Harley emblem on his leather jacket. KATIE What's that stand for? GEORGE That's for Harley Davidson. The best damn motorcycle ever made. Erin comes in from the kitchen. ERIN And if I catch either of you anywhere near one, I'll knock you silly. Go on to bed, now -- I'll come tuck you in in a minute. They get up ... GEORGE Night. KATIE/MATT Night. ... and head into bed. George starts cleaning up the cards. GEORGE Great kids. Erin bends down to help him. ERIN Yeah. I'm probably ruining them. GEORGE How? ERIN I'm never here. I gotta leave 'em with this weird sitter all afternoon who costs a fortune and smells like chicken fat. GEORGE I was serious before, you know. If you need someone to keep an eye on them -- after school or something -- I don't have a job now, so I'm around in the afternoons. ERIN Great. Another deadbeat. GEORGE I'm not a deadbeat. I work when I need to. ERIN Yeah? And what do you do the rest of the time, live off your trust fund? GEORGE I do construction, which pays real good. And I make it last by living cheap. ERIN (with a little laugh) I hope that's not supposed to impress me. GEORGE Are you this hard on everyone who tries to help you? ERIN It's been a while. Maybe I'm just out of practice. GEORGE Then lemme remind you, the polite thing is to say, thank you, that's a real nice offer, I don't mind taking you up on it. ERIN Why in the hell would you want to watch my kids? GEORGE Cause I like kids. I like hanging out with them. ERIN Right. She starts cleaning up the cards. GEORGE I do. I like how they keep it all simple, you know? They don't get all complicated about life, like grown-ups do. A bicycle and an ice cream cone -- boom, done, they're happy. Erin thinks about the offer. ERIN You're around every afternoon? GEORGE Yup. Usually working on my bike. (she's tempted) No big deal. If it doesn't work out, you can send 'em back to the chicken fat lady. Tempting. Erin looks him over. ERIN This isn't gonna get you laid, you know. GEORGE (with a laugh) Yeah, we'll just see about that, won't we? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The wee hours. Erin's in a t-shirt, sitting on her mattress on the floor. The paperwork from the box is now spread all over the floor around her. She's reading a letter. CLOSE ON THE LETTER It's from PG&E, to Donna and Peter Irving. We see the phrases, "purchase your house ...", "fair market value ..." CLOSE ON ANOTHER DOCUMENT It's a list of comparable house sales in the area. Owner, cost; owner, cost. Every house is in the $65,000 range. From another room, she hears the sound of BETH CRYING. Still reading the file, Erin gets up and goes into: INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BETH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Still reading, Erin gets Beth out of her crib. Beth quiets. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin lies down on the mattress and rests Beth on her chest. She sets down the file she was reading and picks up another. CLOSE ON THE FILE It contains a letter from a Dr. Howard Reeves. The first paragraph contains the phrase "... medical examination of Donna and Peter Irving ..." Toward the end of the letter, there are two columns. One is headed: "IN RANGE". The other: "OUT OF RANGE". Under that head appear the following: "lymphocytes, T-lymphocytes, natural killer cells, T Helpers, T8 suppresser cells". Erin stares at it, confused. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY Erin is talking to Jane, who's pouring herself coffee. ERIN It was in this real estate file I'm valuing. And -- see, I know they're the medical records from the people selling the house -- but it talks about things like lymphocytes and T8 suppressers. Erin sees Ed pass behind Jane. She lowers her voice, so he won't see her asking for help. ERIN I mean, it's not a problem or anything, but -- I'm just a little unclear on what those things are. I thought maybe you'd know. JANE What do I look like, Erin? A library? And Jane walks away with her coffee. EXT. UCLA MAIN LIBRARY - DAY Large. Looming. Very establishment. Through the windows, we see Erin at the desk, talking to a LIBRARIAN. She has the file in her hands. Over this: ROSALIND (O.S.) Masry & Vititoe, can I help you? ERIN (O.S.) Hi, Rosalind, this is Erin. Brockovich. From the file room? I was wondering if you could tell Mr. Masry that I'm following up on that real estate thing out of the office. The librarian gives her directions to somewhere else. EXT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY Smaller, but still establishment. Erin's Hyundai pulls into the parking lot. INT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY Erin is at the reference desk, eating a candy bar while she talks to the LIBRARIAN. He checks something on the computer. A couple of WHITE-COATED MEDICAL STUDENTS pass her, double- taking. They don't see many like her around here. INT. UCLA SCIENCE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY A long, academic hallway lit by fluorescents. Erin gets off an elevator and heads down the hall. She finds a door with a nameplate that reads "Jim Paulsen, Epidemiology" and KNOCKS. The door opens and DR. JIM PAULSEN appears. He's a classic scientist: unruly hair, thick glasses. Nothing like Erin has ever shown up at his door. He reels at the sight of her. ERIN Dr. Paulsen? PAULSEN Yes? ERIN Hi, I'm Erin Brockovich. I was just over in the library there, asking a mess of questions about -- I guess they call it epidemiology? -- and the fella there told me to find you, cause you know all about it. PAULSEN (suspicious) Is this a joke? Did Baxter put you up to this? ERIN Who's Baxter? PAULSEN He did, didn't he? Baxter! BAXTER, another scientist, leans out of a door down the hall. BAXTER Yeah? Baxter and Erin look at each other. No recognition, of course. Paulsen is immediately embarrassed. PAULSEN Oh. Oh. ERIN No one put me up to anything. I was just hoping I could ask you a couple questions. PAULSEN (mortified) Of course! Oh, gosh, of course -- INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY Orderly chaos. Dr. Paulsen, still recovering, has Erin's file in his hands. Erin is sitting across from him. PAULSEN Well, look, there isn't a ton of information here, but from what there is, I'd say that these two people here -- what are their names? Shanna and Ashley? ERIN Right, I guess those are the kids -- PAULSEN They've both got some immune system problem. Can't say what from, whether it's viral or genetic or what, but something's wrong. And these guys -- Donna and Peter -- ERIN Their parents, I'm pretty sure. PAULSEN Well, from what this stuff says, I'd say they both have some form of cancer. Wow. That's more serious than Erin was expecting. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE ON THE FILE on the kitchen counter. The Irvings' phone number is written on the front. A PHONE IS RINGING. ERIN (O.S.) Whoa, whoa! Easy, easy, easy -- WIDEN to see Erin, phone to her ear, grabbing a carton of juice from Matt and Katie, who are fighting over it at the table. Just as she takes it from them, the phone picks up. DONNA'S VOICE (O.S.) Hi! You've reached the Irvings. Leave a message and we'll get back to you just as soon as we can. Bye-bye. BEEP. Erin thinks a bit, then hangs up and looks at the file. Scrawled on the cover is the Irvings' address, in Hinkley, California. EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - DAY The beat-up old Hyundai heads east out of L.A. DISCO MUSIC blares from its speakers. EXT. HINKLEY, CA - DAY This is a dry, desolate part of California. No downtown, no community. Just tract after tract of arid farmland, with small, bland, unprotected ranch home cropping up out of the landscape like occasional tombstones. A beat-up old sign on the road reads: "HINKLEY, CA. POP: " but the corner where the number would be has broken off. As a gust of wind lifts dust from the fields, Erin turns onto Community Boulevard, the main road that cuts through Hinkley. INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - DAY Erin looks around. The house she's passing has been razed. A heap of lumber and wires in the middle of the property. As she checks the piece of paper with Donna's address, she drives by the PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION, a massive gray structure of pipes, chimneys and ladders, set way back from the road. Erin passes it without noticing it. She stops at an intersection. The house on the corner has been boarded up with plywood. Erin notices it -- depressing -- then turns the corner onto Donna's street. EXT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE - DAY A generic ranch home standing all alone in the middle of nothing. There's a pool out back and a chain link fence hugging the property. No landscaping. Dull, but clean. A few BOTTLES OF SPRING WATER wait by the door. The Hyundai pulls into the driveway and stops. Erin gets out. As she heads up to the door, her spike heels sink into the dirt. She rings the bell. It has a melody chime. DONNA IRVING opens the door. She's 35, petite, with a scrappy, high-strung manner. She's wearing tight jeans, and her dark curls are piled on top of her head. ERIN Hi. Donna Irving? DONNA Yes? ERIN I'm Erin Brockovich, from Masry & Vititoe? DONNA (a little surprised) You're a lawyer? ERIN Hell, no. I hate lawyers. I just work for them. You got a minute? INT. THE IRVINGS' HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY The house is furnished with little money, but lots of care. Erin's on a plaid couch, in a sea of needlepoint pillows. Out back, two GIRLS, ages 9 and 11, are playing in a pool. ERIN This is a real nice place you got here. DONNA (O.S.) Well it oughta be, with all the work I put into it. She comes out from the kitchen with a tray of iced tea. DONNA I added air conditioning, put in the pool, made all those pillows by hand ... ERIN Yeah? I should learn to do stuff like that. They make the place feel real homey. Donna corrects the positioning on a couple of pillows. DONNA Thank you. I think so too. That's why I'm being such a stickler on this house price thing. I don't mean to be a pain in PG&E's backside, especially after all they've done for Hinkley, but I look around here and I think, if they want this place, they're gonna have to pay for it. And I don't just mean pay for the house; I'd like them to pay me for the trouble of starting over. ERIN Right. DONNA Cause first you gotta move, then there's decorating, and if the windows aren't the same size, you know -- you're making all new curtains. Honest to God, I don't know if I have the energy. You know, I've been sick. Me and Peter both have. ERIN Yeah, I'm real glad you brought that up. I was going through your file here, and I ran into these medical records. They kinda surprised me -- This would be the perfect opportunity for many to get self- pitying. But not Donna. Life's handed her a shitload of lemons, and darned if she hasn't made a shitload of lemonade. DONNA I know. They're more than a bit unusual. See, two years ago, Pete got Hodgkin's disease. That's a kind of cancer -- ERIN Yeah, I'm real sorry to hear that. DONNA Thank you. It's in remission now, thank the Lord, but you never know. And then while that's going on, I end up having to have a hysterectomy. Plus a whole mess of lumps removed from my breasts. All benign so far, but still, no matter how positive you stay, an operation can still take it out of you. ERIN I'll say. Holy moley. DONNA So the whole idea of selling the house -- don't get me wrong, I'd be glad to move to some better place, but if they aren't gonna pay us properly, I just don't see the point. ERIN Yeah, I can see that. (beat) I guess the only thing that confused me is - - not that your medical problems aren't important, but -- how come the files about them are in with all the real estate stuff? Donna tops off their iced teas. DONNA Are you kidding? With how our lives are, if I start subdividing files, I'll be sunk. I just kept all PG&E correspondence in one place. ERIN Right, but -- I'm sorry, I don't see why you were corresponding with PG&E about it in the first place. DONNA Well, they paid for the doctor's visit. ERIN They did? DONNA You bet. Paid for a check-up for the whole family. And not like with insurance where you pay, then wait a year to be reimbursed, either. They just took care of it. Just like that. We never even saw a bill. ERIN Wow. Why would they do that? DONNA Cause of the chromium. ERIN The what? DONNA The chromium. Well, that's what kicked this whole thing off. INT. IRVING HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY CLOSE ON A BOX, with "CHROM INFO" scrawled on it. DONNA (O.S.) PG&E came around a few years ago, told us they put chromium in our well by mistake. And since we shouldn't have to drink it if we don't want to, they gave us free spring water and offered to buy our house. WIDEN to see Donna pulling the box down into the room. ERIN What's chromium? DONNA It's a chemical they used over at that compressor station up the road there. ERIN Well, hell, maybe that's why you all have been so sick -- DONNA I thought the same thing, right off the bat. That's why we went to see the doctor. But hunh-uh. Turns out one's got nothing to do with the other. She rifles through the box. DONNA This is the info they gave us. You'll see if you look through it, chromium's good for you. When I saw what they charged for it at the health-food stores, I about fainted. She hands Erin a printed fact sheet. Erin scans it. ERIN Seems like an awful big coincidence -- your water being messed with and you being so sick. DONNA Not around here. This is a rough part of the world. Hard times, not a lot of money, not a lot of luck. (beat) It's a challenge, staying healthy in a town like this. Heck, even our dogs up and die. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin's driving away from Donna's house. A street lamp throws light on the box of chromium documents in the passenger seat. She gets to an intersection and looks across the street at the massive COMPRESSOR STATION. Six stories high, lit up like a Christmas tree, with all sizes of PIPES criss-crossing the outside and GIANT COOLING TOWERS sticking up out of it. Far more massive than anything else in town, it looms over the horizon like the Capitol in D.C. or St. Peter's in Rome. Erin takes a long look at the compressor station, then turns onto Community Boulevard and drives away. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin is holding Beth, making her a bottle, when she hears NOISES coming from outside. She follows them. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin opens the door to find George attaching bars to her windows. ERIN What're you doing? GEORGE Better safe than sorry. She shakes her head, amused by his persistence. ERIN You want some coffee, George? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT George follows Erin in. GEORGE I'm gonna put a dead bolt on your front door, too. This isn't exactly the safest neighborhood in the world, you know. ERIN Thanks for reminding me. GEORGE I guess we get what we pay for, huh? Erin pours him some coffee, hands it to him. ERIN You think it could make you sick, living in a place like this? GEORGE What do you mean? George settles in, helps himself to sugar. ERIN I was talking to this lady -- she and her husband both got cancer, and she thinks it's cause they live in a bad neighborhood. You think that's possible? That living in a bad neighborhood could give you cancer? George laughs a little at the thought. GEORGE Man, I hope not. You got enough damn problems. But Erin's still mulling it over. EXT. NORTHRIDGE, ERIN'S BLOCK - DAY Erin clips down the block in short-shorts and high-heeled boots. Up ahead a few of DOWN-ON-THEIR-LUCK MEN are out on a stoop, drinking their breakfast. Erin approaches them. ERIN Hi, y'all -- how you doing today? MAN 1 Hangin' in, baby. How about yourself? ERIN I'm okay, I'm just fine. I was wondering -- could I maybe ask you a couple questions? She settles down on the stoop with them for a chat. INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY Dr. Paulsen and Erin are sitting, talking. He's thrilled to have her back in his office. ERIN ... and when I realized our area's just as bad as Hinkley, I thought maybe my neighbors are all sick too. So I went and asked. PAULSEN (surprised) You did? Erin digs a pad of paper out of her bag. ERIN Uh-huh. Spent the last few days knocking on doors. And you know what? They're not. (reads from the pad) I mean, they got problems, but none of this cancer stuff. And their pets are fine. So I don't know -- I just can't shake the feeling that it wasn't no multivitamin they put in the water. PAULSEN Well, if you're talking about contamination, you're getting out of my area of expertise. Let me give you the name of a toxicologist friend of mine over at USC. Paulsen reaches for a notepad, scrawls on it. INT. UCLA MEDICAL BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Paulsen is seeing Erin out of his office. PAULSEN I gotta say, Erin -- first time I saw you, I did not peg you as the kind to go off and conduct her own epidemiological study. ERIN Don't go telling anyone. It'll ruin my reputation. EXT. USC CAMPUS - DAY Erin towers over DAVID FRANKEL as she walks across campus with him. He's the grittier variety of scientist: Patagonia, Birkenstocks, bushy beard. He's as dry as dust, and as much as Dr. Paulsen responded to Erin, Frankel barely notices her. FRANKEL What kind of chromium is it? ERIN There's more than one kind? FRANKEL Yes. There's straight-up chromium -- does all kinds of good things for the body. There's chrom 3, which is fairly benign, and then there's chrom 6, hexavalent chromium, which, depending on the amounts, can be very harmful. ERIN Harmful, like -- how? What would you get? FRANKEL With repeated exposure to toxic levels -- God, anything, really -- respiratory disease, liver failure, heart failure, reproductive failure, chronic headaches, bone or organ deterioration -- plus, of course, any type of cancer. He rattles it off coolly. Just facts. Erin's stunned. ERIN So that stuff -- it kills people. FRANKEL Oh, yeah. Definitely. Highly toxic, highly carcinogenic. Bad, bad stuff. ERIN Well, how do I find out what kind of chromium is up in Hinkley? FRANKEL Have you been to the water board? ERIN Hunh-uh. What's that? FRANKEL Every county has one. They keep records of anything water-related within their jurisdiction. You should be able to find something there. ERIN County water board. All righty, thanks. FRANKEL Good luck. (beat) Oh -- I wouldn't advertise what you're looking for if I were you ... His line continues over: EXT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL WATER BOARD - DAY Erin's Hyundai pulls up and stops in a cloud of dust. FRANKEL (O.S.) ... Incriminating records have a way of disappearing when people smell trouble. Erin hops out, checks her reflection in the side-view mirror, then heads into the building. INT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL COUNTY WATER BOARD - DAY Drab, government-issue. ROSS, the bored desk clerk is thumbing his way through ROAD & TRACK. Just as he stops to stare at a motor oil ad in which a buxom blonde is straddling the hood of a car, the huge door opens and Erin enters. ERIN Whew! Goddamn, that's a heavy door. Ross looks up. It's like the girl from the ad walked right off the page. He jumps up, to help her with the door. ROSS Oh, hey -- lemme give you a hand there. ERIN Thank you very much. Aren't you a gentleman? Mr. ... ROSS Ross. ERIN Ross. Real pleased to meet you. I'm Erin. She smiles. He can't believe his luck. ROSS Erin. Cool. What can I do for you, Erin? ERIN Well, believe it or not, I am on the prowl for some water records. ROSS (with a laugh) You come to the right place. ERIN (laughing along) I guess I did. ROSS You just tell me what you want to look at and I'll be glad to dig 'em out for you. ERIN I wish I knew. It's for my boss. He's fighting his water bill, and he wants me to find all manner of bills from all kinds of places. The easiest thing would probably be if I just squeezed back there with you and poked around myself. Would that be okay? ROSS Heck, yeah. Come on back. Just gonna need you to sign in here -- He hands her a pen. He reads over her shoulder as she signs her name -- Erin Pattee Brockovich. ROSS Pattee? That your middle name? ERIN Nope. Maiden. ROSS (disappointed) You're married. ERIN Not anymore. She smiles and winks at him, then goes around the counter with him and looks at the stacks and stacks of files. ERIN Well. Here goes nothing. She heads down an aisle, reading the spines of the files. They're all town names -- Barstow, Victorville, Oro Grande, Helendale -- in no particular order. Finally, Erin spots one that says Hinkley. She pulls it down. IN THE FILE are pages and pages of Xeroxed memoranda, letters, charts, graphs, handwritten notes. All shoved in willy-nilly. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY George is watching a football game on TV. He's just put TV dinners on the floor in front of the Matt and Katie. MATT Our mom gives us sandwiches on Fridays. GEORGE That's a sandwich. KATIE No, it's not! GEORGE Sure it is. Here, I'll show you. He picks up Matt's chicken, tears it in two ... GEORGE Most people think a sandwich's gotta have bread on the outside. Not true. Chicken is a perfectly good outside for a sandwich. ... then places the broccoli neatly between the halves. GEORGE See? Katie and Matthew look at it, then up at George, and smile. This guy just might be all right, after all. EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT It's gotten dark. Erin's Hyundai's still there. INT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT Erin is on the floor, her legs stretched out in front of her. She has a bunch of files open and spread across the floor. The one in her hand has caught her attention. INSERT ON THE PAPER It's a memo titled "CLEAN-UP AND ABATEMENT ORDER" from the water board to PG&E. Erin is concentrating hard on it, reading laboriously to herself. ERIN (O.S.) "... On December 7, 1987, the discharger notified the regional board and the San Bernardino County Environmental Health Services of the discovery of 0.58 ppm of hexavalent chromium in an on-site ground water monitoring well ..." (beat) ... hexavalent ... INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY CLOSE ON A XEROX OF THE ABATEMENT ORDER. WIDEN to see it is on top of a stack of papers that Erin is carrying as she enters the office. She has an efficient air about her -- a sense of purpose. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY Erin swoops in, ready to work, only to find her desk cleared off. She turns to Anna, who's already hard at work. ERIN Where's my stuff? Anna looks up. ANNA Where've you been? ERIN What the fuck did you do with my stuff? ANNA Don't use language with me -- But Erin's out the door before Anna can finish her sentence. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY JANE is at her desk. Erin barrels in. ERIN Someone stole my stuff. JANE Nice to see you, Erin. We've missed you. ERIN I had photos of my kids, plus a mug -- Jane reaches under her desk for a box, looks through it. JANE -- toothbrush, toothpaste, and a pair of hose. Here. ERIN What's going on? JANE There may be jobs where you can disappear for days at a time, but this isn't one of them. Here, if you don't do the work, you don't get to stay. She hands her the box. Erin doesn't take it. ERIN I've been working. Shit, that's all I've been doing. Ask Mr. Masry. He knows. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed's at his desk, dialing the phone when Erin barrels in. ERIN You said to fire me? He sets down the receiver. ED Erin, you've been gone for a week. ERIN I left a message. I've been dealing with that real estate thing. I was gonna write up a whole damn report and -- ED That's not how we work here. You don't just leave a message and take off. Jane follows her in, still carrying the box of stuff. ERIN What am I supposed to do, check in every two seconds? JANE Yes. It's called accountability. ERIN I am not talking to you, bitch. JANE Excuse me? ED Okay, enough -- (beat) Now, look, Erin -- this incident aside, I don't think this is the right place for you. So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on your behalf. Find you something else, okay? ERIN Don't bother. She turns to Jane, takes her box, and heads out. ED Come on, I'm trying to help here. ERIN Bullshit. You're trying to feel less guilty about firing someone with three kids to feed. Fuck if I'll help you do that. And she leaves. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY As Erin heads for the door, pleased glances fly from secretary to secretary. Erin reaches the door, but can't open it with the box in her arms. She turns to the room. ERIN I don't suppose any one of you cunts could open the fucking door for me. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin's Hyundai rumbles to a stop in front of the house. Erin shoves open the creaky, reluctant door, lifts her box of stuff off the seat, and gets out. As she walks around the car and toward the house, she runs into the MAILMAN. He hands her a packet of mail. MAILMAN Here ya go, Miz Brockovich. Erin looks at the top of the stack. It's the electric bill. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Erin enters, puts down the box and stares at the mail. Bills, bills, and more bills. As she throws them on the table, she sees George coming out of the kitchen. ERIN What are you doing here? GEORGE Fixing a leak under your sink. She heads into the kitchen, weary and irritated. ERIN I didn't ask you to do that. Damn it, George, I don't ask you to do things like that. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin enters, sees all the cleaning stuff from under the sink is spread around the kitchen floor. A tool box lies open. ERIN Great. GEORGE I'm gonna clean it up. Erin gets down on her knees and starts putting things away. GEORGE Relax, Erin, I'll do it -- I'm not -- Before he can finish, a huge WATER BUG runs onto Erin's hand. ERIN Ugh -- Jesus -- She jumps and brushes it off. GEORGE Yeah -- you had a whole family of those things hanging out back there. She takes off her shoe and smacks at the bug, missing it. ERIN Damn it -- The bug skitters away from her, along the floorboard. Erin chases it, smacking at it repeatedly, missing it every time. GEORGE Don't worry about it, I'll get it later. But Erin keeps after it, corralling all her frustrations into killing that one bug. ERIN Come here, you little motherfucker -- The bug crawls up onto the table, zipping behind the salt, the pepper, the napkin holder. Erin keeps after it, BANGING the table harder and harder with each SMACK of her shoe. GEORGE Hey, whoa -- relax -- The salt and pepper skid off the table. The napkins fly from their holder. Just as Erin's about to nail the bug, it slips into a crack in the wall and disappears. Erin hurls her shoe at the crack. It SMASHES into the wall. ERIN GOD DAMN IT! As Erin stands there staring at the wall, her breath starts to come heavily -- those deep breaths that precede tears. She slowly slides down into a chair, defeat overcoming her. ERIN (almost a whisper) ... God damn it. She looks around at her for-shit kitchen and starts to cry. ERIN What kind of person lives like this? Huh? What kind of person lets her kids run around in a house crawling with bugs the size of housecats? GEORGE It's a simple thing. Everybody gets them. All we gotta do is call an exterminator. ERIN I can't call an exterminator. I can't afford one. God, I can't even afford my phone. (beat) I got fired. GEORGE What? But you been working so hard -- ERIN Doesn't matter. Doesn't make one bit of difference. (then, fragile) Oh God, George, how'd this happen to me? How'd I end up so ... so nothing? George picks a napkin up off the floor, hands it to her. GEORGE You're not nothing, Erin. ERIN Well, I'm sure as hell not what I thought I was gonna be. I was supposed to have one of those great lives, with everything all laid- out and perfect. I mean, hell -- I was Miss Wichita, for God's sakes. Did I tell you that? You live next door to a real live beauty queen. (wipes her nose) I still got the tiara. I kept it cause I thought it meant something. I thought it meant I was gonna do something great with my life. I thought it proved I was gonna grow up to be someone. GEORGE You are someone. ERIN No I'm not. Look at me. I'm not. GEORGE You're someone to me. (beat) You're someone real special to me. He takes a step toward her and kneels in front of her, very close. He takes her shoe from her hand and puts it back on her foot. Then he takes her hands in his and kisses them. ERIN I'm no good, George. I make people miserable. But he kisses her anyway. And for the first time in so long, she feels like something other than a failure. He pulls her into him, and she lets herself be pulled. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY Erin and George are in bed, naked, curled around each other. GEORGE Man. Even your earlobes are beautiful. He kisses one. ERIN Don't be too nice to me, okay? It makes me nervous. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is at his desk. The PHONE RINGS. And RINGS. And RINGS. ED Brenda! (no answer) BRENDA! Nothing. Ed growls in frustration, then gets the phone. ED Yeah, Ed Masry here ... She doesn't work here anymore. Who's this? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE ON THE TABLE, where Beth is bobbing in her baby chair. On one side of her is a heap of bills with "PAST DUE" and "PLEASE REMIT" stamped on them. On the other, the well- thumbed CLASSIFIED SECTION, with circles and X's all over it. The DOORBELL rings. Erin swoops in and picks up Beth. ERIN Come on, baby. Maybe that's Ed McMahon. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY Erin carries Beth over to the front door, spies through the peephole, and sees Ed standing there. She opens the door. ERIN What are you doing here? ED I got an interesting call this afternoon. It was from a Dr. Frankel. ERIN Oh, yeah? ED He wanted you to know the legal limit for hexavalent chromium, is .05 parts per million. And that at the rate you mentioned, .58, it could be responsible for the cancers in that family you asked about. The Irvings. ERIN Well, that was nice of him. Isn't it funny how some people go out of their way to help people and others just give 'em the ax? ED Look, I'm sorry. You were gone. I just assumed you were off having fun. ERIN Now, why in the hell would you assume that? ED I don't know. Maybe cause you look like someone who has a lot of fun. ERIN Boy, are you ever a shitty judge of people. Ed takes a beat, copping to the charge. ED So what's the story on this thing? This cancer stuff? ERIN You wanna know, you gotta hire me back. I got a lot of bills to pay. He glares at her. Realizes he has no choice. ED Fine. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER Erin has let Ed in. They're sitting. ED But, PG&E told her about the chromium? ERIN They told her something, but it can't have been too specific, cause I talked to her, and she sure didn't think her water was bad. ED So what made you think it was? ERIN It doesn't take a genius to look at those medical records and think something's wrong. ED What medical records? ERIN The ones in the box of files. (off Ed's blank look) The box of files? The one from your office? ED I didn't see any medical records in there. ERIN Boy, you musta really fine-tooth-combed it then, huh? (to herself) And you fired me. Jesus. Ed thinks for a moment. ED That document you found, the one that says it was the bad chromium -- you didn't happen to make a copy did you? ERIN Course I did. ED Lemme see it, will you? Before getting it for him, she looks at him, weighs her odds. ERIN I want a raise. And benefits. Including dental. ED Look, Erin, this is not the way I do business, this extortion nonsense. Erin doesn't budge. ED Okay. A 5% raise, and -- ERIN Ten. (off his look) There's a lot of other places I could work. ED A ten percent raise and benefits. But that's it. I'm drawing the line. She goes to her box of stuff from the office and digs out the document for him. He scans it. ED This is the only thing you found? ERIN So far. But that place is a pig sty. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more. ED Find out. EXT. 10 FREEWAY - DAY Erin's Hyundai zips along the freeway. "Funky Town" is blaring from the tinny stereo. Over it: MATTHEW (O.S.) I hate this music. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin's driving. Matthew's in the front seat. Katie and Beth (in a car seat) are in the back. ERIN There's no way a son of mine hates Funky Town. It's impossible. MATTHEW Well I hate it. KATIE I hate it too. I hate this trip. ERIN Oh, come on, where's your sense of adventure? We're going someplace you never been before. KATIE I'm gonna hate it. MATTHEW Me too. She glances at them, frowns a little. ERIN You know what I'm realizing for the first time? You kids are a couple of downers. I mean, you are the real thing -- a couple of honest-to-God depresso-types. (small smile) Who in the heck raised you, anyway? Some kind of moron? Katie smiles a little. She likes this side of her mom. KATIE Yeah. A real moron. ERIN Some kind of half-wit, no-good, big-haired, bimbo, I bet. MATTHEW (also smiling) Yeah. ERIN Thank God we got you away from her, huh? By now they're all smiling. Funky Town plays on. EXT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY The Hyundai is parked at the entrance to the station, by a row of dead trees. Erin is standing beside a sign that says "Private Property. No Trespassing", taking pictures of the massive structure in the distance. Matthew, Katie, and Beth are drawing in the dirt with sticks. ERIN Stay out of the road. I'll be right back. She wanders up the drive, onto PG&E property, moving around the plant, taking pictures of it from every possible angle. As she wanders over a big, flat, dry field to the side of the plant, she glances over her shoulder to check on her kids and notices the trail she made in the dirt has a greenish hue. She looks at the dirt right her feet. Kicks the ground. Below the surface, the dirt turns from brown to green. Erin notes this, then looks back at her kids playing in the dirt. Worry comes over her face. She heads back to them. EXT. HINKLEY MART - DAY The kids are waiting at the car. Erin comes out of the store with a bottle of water and uses it to rinse off their hands. EXT. WATER BOARD - DAY The sound of a BABY CRYING. The Hyundai's parked in front. MATTHEW (O.S.) I'm hungry. INT. WATER BOARD - DAY Erin is at the Xerox machine, copying a file while she tries to calm Beth. There's a stack of files on the nearby table. Matthew and Katie are flopping around on the floor. ERIN We'll go eat in a minute. Settle down. Whining, fussing. Ross goes over to her. ROSS You know what, Erin? I got nothing but time here. Why don't you let me do that for you, and you can get your kids some dinner. ERIN Ross -- you are an absolute angel. She hands Ross the STACK OF DOCUMENTS. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY Ed comes in in the morning, and without pausing, hands Brenda a copy of the STACK OF DOCUMENTS, with a Post-it on the top. ED Fax these to this number, okay? BRENDA All of 'em? ED All of them. He continues into his office and closes the door. CLOSE ON THE FAX MACHINE LED Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up on the LED: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. INT. IRVING HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Another copy of those DOCUMENTS, now in Donna's hands. She's on her couch with Erin, reading them. Outside, Donna's two daughters are playing in the pool. She reads the last page and looks up at Erin, bewildered. DONNA An on-site monitoring well? That means -- ERIN It was right up on the PG&E property over there. DONNA And you say this stuff, this hexavalent chromium -- it's poisonous? ERIN Yeah. DONNA Well -- then it's gotta be a different than what's in our water, cause ours is okay. The guys from PG&E told me. They sat right in the kitchen and said it was fine. ERIN I know. But the toxicologist I been talking to? He gave me a list of problems that can come from hexavalent chromium exposure. And everything you all have is on that list. Donna resists this idea hard. DONNA No. Hunh-uh, see, that's not what the doctor said. He said one's got absolutely nothing to do with the other. ERIN Right, but -- didn't you say he was paid by PG&E? Donna sits quietly, trying to make sense of this. The only sound is the LAUGHING and SPLASHING from the pool out back. Then, gradually, Donna realizes what it is she's hearing -- her kids playing in toxic water. She jumps up ... DONNA ASHLEY! SHANNA! ... and runs out to the pool. Erin follows her. EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY From the door, Erin watches Donna run to the edge of the pool in a frantic response to this news. DONNA OUT OF THE POOL! BOTH OF YOU, OUT OF THE POOL, RIGHT NOW! SHANNA How come? DONNA CAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY, NOW GET OUT! OUT! NOW!!! Erin watches compassionately as Donna flails to get her kids out of the contaminated water. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY It's morning. Ed is checking the lie of his tie in his reflection in the window. Erin is on his couch, high-heeled legs stretched out in front of her. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - CONTINUOUS Jane is delivering paychecks. When Brenda gets to her desk, Jane tips her head toward Ed's office, as if to say, check it out. Brenda peers in and sees Erin. BRENDA What's she doing here? JANE He hired her back. With a raise. BRENDA What?? Why? JANE Well, let's see. It's not cause she's smart, and it's not cause she's professional. That leaves ... Brenda's stunned. Takes a beat. Makes assumptions. BRENDA And dumb old me thought working hard and being loyal was the way to get ahead. INT. ED'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Ed is still checking his reflection. ED I'm telling you, the minute Brenda sent the fax -- I'm talking the second she pressed that send button -- PG&E claims department is on the phone to me, scheduling a meeting. ERIN So you think we got 'em scared? ED It sure as hell sounded like they were sitting up and taking notice. Brenda pops her head in, ignores Erin. BRENDA David Baum from PG&E is at reception. Erin feels the chill Brenda's sending her way. ERIN Nice to see you again, too, Brenda. Brenda leaves without acknowledging Erin. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Ed and Erin come out and see DAVID BAUM waiting at reception. Forget law school, this kid looks like he's just out of twelfth grade. Not a hair on his chin. His suit and shoes look brand new. ERIN Not to question your judgment or anything, Mr. Masry, but -- that doesn't exactly look like sitting up and taking notice to me. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ed and Erin are seated across the table from Baum. To say this kid lacks authority is a gross understatement. He doesn't talk; he squeaks. BAUM ... in the interest of putting this whole thing to rest, PG&E is willing to offer the Irvings 250,000 dollars for their home. Ed laughs a little in disbelief. ED 250,000? BAUM In terms of land value out in Hinkley, Mr. Masry, we feel it's a more than fair price. ED What about in terms of medical expenses? 250,000 doesn't come close to what this family's gonna have to spend on doctors. BAUM I understand they've had a bad run of luck, health-wise, and they have my sympathies. But that's not PG&E's fault. ED You're kidding, right? (Baum doesn't answer) Look at these readings for Christ's sake. PG&E's own technicians documented toxic levels of hexavalent chromium in those test wells, on numerous occasions. Ed shoves them across the table. Baum doesn't look at them. ED Everything the Irvings have had is a proven reaction to exposure to hexavalent chromium. They've had ... He stalls a moment. Erin jumps in. ERIN -- breast cysts, uterine cancer, Hodgkin's disease, immune deficiencies, asthma, chronic nosebleeds. Despite their persuasiveness, Baum parrots what is obviously the party line: BAUM A million things could have caused those problems. Poor diet, bad genes, irresponsible lifestyle. Our offer is final and more than fair. ED Wait a minute -- I thought we were negotiating here. BAUM 250,000 is all I'm authorized to offer. Ed looks across at this pissant little kid. ED (to himself) Jesus Christ. (he stands, to leave) I will present your offer to my clients. I doubt they'll accept it. As Ed starts out: BAUM Mr. Masry, before you go off on some crusade, you might want to remember who it is you're dealing with here. PG&E is a 28- billion dollar corporation. ED (containing his anger) Thanks. I'll keep it in mind. And Ed leaves the conference room. Erin follows him out. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Erin follows Ed as he stomps back to his office. ERIN At least they made an offer. ED That wasn't an offer. A million would've been an offer. When they send the God damn mail clerk down to jerk me off, waste my time, it's a fuck you. ERIN I don't get why they'd do that. ED Because they can. You heard that kid -- they have 28 billion dollars at their disposal. They can afford to waste all the time in the world. ERIN And you can't? ED What, you think I'm made of money? Behind them, Baum steps out of the conference room. BAUM Hey, you know where I can get a cab? My plane leaves Burbank in forty-five minutes. Ed turns and looks at him. He gets a tiny smile. ED Tell you what, why don't you go on over to reception, tell them I said Mario should take you to the airport. BAUM Hey, excellent. Thanks. Baum heads out to the reception area. ERIN Mr. Masry, Mario gets lost going to the bathroom. They'll be driving around the valley for hours. ED (gleeful) Yeah. Isn't that a shame? She watches him go into his office, impressed. Big smile. ERIN Well I'll be God damned. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT End of the day. Most everyone has left. Erin is at her new work space near Ed's office. She's poring over a fat file of documents. ROSALIND wanders by with her coat on. ROSALIND You've been reading for hours. ERIN I'm a slow reader, on account of the fact that I look at the word "dog" and see "god". ROSALIND Hey, just so long as you see Him. Rosalind turns on Erin's desk lamp and heads out. Outside the big glass office doors, Rosalind stops to talk to a lost-looking COUPLE IN THEIR MID-30's. These are MANDY and TOM BROWN. He's a security guard uniform, with an envelope under his arm. Rosalind points to Erin. The Browns enter the office and approach her. MANDY Excuse me, are you Erin Brockovich? ERIN Yeah. Who are you? TOM I'm Tom Brown. This is my wife Mandy. We used to live across the street from the Irvings. PG&E bought our house last year. INT. ERIN'S DESK - LATER CLOSE ON photos of chickens, each with a twisted, limp neck. TOM It's called wry neck. It's when they're born without any muscles in the neck. WIDEN to see Erin looking at them with Tom and Mandy. ERIN Wow. How many were born like this? TOM Twelve, maybe thirteen. MANDY When Donna told us about you, and what you told her about the chromium, we figured that might have something to do with this, too. ERIN It sure could, yeah. Thanks a lot. She tucks them into a file, as if that's it. MANDY There's something else, too. ERIN What? TOM Well. Mandy here's had nine miscarriages. ERIN Are you kidding? My God -- MANDY I know. It's an awful lot. ERIN I'm surprised Donna didn't say anything. TOM She doesn't know. No one does. It's not something you want to talk about, you know? MANDY I figured it musta been something I did, like when I smoked marijuana, maybe. Or took birth control pills. But then Donna told me you thought this chromium might be to blame for her problems, so I figured ... INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Matt and Katie are in bed, with the light off. Erin comes in, quietly, in clothes from work. ERIN Hey. You guys still awake? CLOSE ON MATT AND KATIE. They're awake and pissed. ERIN Come on, now. No faking. George told me he just shut out the light a few seconds ago. They still don't answer. She comes in and sits on a bed. ERIN Look, I know you're mad. But the way this job is, things come up at the last minute, real important things, and I gotta deal with them. Now I don't like me missing dinner any more than you do, but we're all gonna have to get used to it, cause the fact is, it's gonna happen sometimes. KATIE It happens all the time. ERIN That's not true; we had dinner together just last night. MATT You were reading the whole time. He's got a point there. Erin feels like shit. ERIN I'm sorry, pumpkins. I'll try a whole lot harder to be around, okay? I promise. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT The room is dark. Erin enters and flops down onto the bed, exhausted. George is lying on the bed next to her. GEORGE If it's any consolation, I love you. EXT. ROUTE 10, INLAND EMPIRE - DAY Dry, flat California. Ed's big old Mercedes is toodling down the freeway, at an overly safe, almost-geriatric speed. INT. ED'S MERCEDES - DAY Frank Sinatra is playing on the stereo. Ed is swaying in time. This is his kind of music. He smiles, looks at Erin. ED It's Sinatra's world, we just live in it. Whatever. Erin glances at the speedometer. Oy. So slow. His car phone rings. He picks it up. ED Hello? ... (his voice softens) Hi, babys. Baby's fine. Yes, I did. I did, too, you just didn't feel it. He starts swerving across the lane markers. THWACK THWACK THWACK. Ed doesn't notice. Erin's getting nervous. ED You think I could leave without kissing my babys? Okay, here you go. He kisses into the phone. Swerves. A car barely misses them. Erin's eyes widen. Not fun at all. ED Bye-bye ... bye-bye ... no, you. Okay, together. Bye-bye. He finally hangs up, smiling to himself. Erin clears her throat. ERIN Um -- you mind pulling over? Just -- for a second? EXT. FREEWAY - DAY The Mercedes pulls to a stop on the shoulder. Erin gets out, walks around to the driver's side. Opens the door. ERIN First of all, don't talk baby talk to your wife in front of me. It really undermines your authority. And second, I know you're my boss and all, but you are the worst fucking driver I've ever seen. Move over or I quit. He moves over. She gets in, turns off the Sinatra. They pull back out onto the freeway in silence. EXT. MANDY BROWN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Mercedes and a truck are parked out front. PETE (O.S.) There's something about this whole thing I don't quite understand, Mr. Masry. INT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Donna and Pete Irving, and Mandy and Roy Brown are all seated, sipping iced tea. While they talk, Erin hands them all information packets on chromium. Ed is standing in front of them, a little stiff. PETE If PG&E messed with our water, why would they bother saying anything about it to us? Why not just keep quiet about it? ED To establish a statute of limitations. See, in a case like this, you only have a year from the time you first learn about the problem to file suit. So PG&E figures, we'll let the cat out of the bag -- tell the people the water's not perfect; if we can ride out the year with no one suing, we'll be in the clear forever. DONNA But it was more than a year ago that they told us -- ED It's okay. We're not suing. All we're doing is using this information to get you a real nice purchase price on your house, and get you two -- (to the Browns) -- a comparable retroactive bonus added to your sale price. This way, and PG&E can still look good to their shareholders, cause they're not involved in an ugly lawsuit; all they're doing is buying a little property. Roy looks up from his retainer agreement. ROY It doesn't say here how much this whole thing's gonna cost us. ED My fee's forty percent of whatever you get awarded. Erin watches them look around at each other, stunned by the figure. ERIN Boy, do I know how you feel. First time I heard that number, I said you got to be kidding me. Forty God damn percent? ED Erin -- ERIN I'm the one who's injured, and this joker who sits at a desk all day is gonna walk away with almost half my reward? ED Erin -- Erin's enjoying Ed's discomfort almost too much to stop. But just almost. She shifts gears. ERIN Then I asked him how much he makes if I didn't get anything. They look at Ed. Well? ED Then I don't get anything either. ERIN And I realized, he's taking a chance too. When they hear this, and realize he's in it with them, they all reach for their pens and sign. They hand the agreements over to Erin, who takes them across the room to Ed. He stuffs them in his briefcase and closes it up. That's that. ED All right, then. Let's hit the road. Boy. Cold as ice. Erin stares at him, stunned by his brusque manner, then leans in to him, close. ERIN (whispering) Mr. Masry, if you don't mind my saying, you got a lot to learn about being friendly. These people just hired you as their lawyer. The least you could do is make a little pleasant conversation. She gives him a stern look, then turns toward the women. ERIN Donna, let me help you clean all this up. She picks up a tray of iced tea and cookies and heads to the kitchen. Donna and Mandy follow, leaving Ed alone with Pete and Roy. He stands there, awkwardly. Then, finally: ED So, what's, uh ... what's new? INT. DONNA'S KITCHEN - DAY Erin and Donna are putting away the cleaned glasses. Mandy is scanning the chromium pamphlet Erin gave her. MANDY You know that thing it says in here about rashes? ERIN Uh-huh? MANDY Well, this old neighbor of mine, Bob Linwood -- he ran the dairy on Community -- seemed like someone in his family always had a rash somewhere or other. I just figured it was something in the genes. And you know how it is -- you don't like to ask about things like that ... Erin listens, interested. EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY, BARN - DAY Another day. BOB LINWOOD, 40's and gruff, is in the barn, tossing hay around. ERIN (O.S.) Excuse me. Are you Mr. Linwood? He sees Erin picking her way toward him in her high-heels. LINWOOD Yeah? ERIN I'm Erin Brockovich. I work at the law firm that represents your former neighbors the Browns. They suggested I give you a call. She steps in a cow patty. Laughs at herself good-naturedly. ERIN Boy howdy, did I ever wear the wrong shoes. EXT. THE DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY CLOSE ON A SIGN that reads: THE DESOTOS, hanging on the side of a small, paint-chipped house. Erin is at the door talking to MARY DESOTO, 65, who's wearing a big cross at her breast. ERIN ... and Mr. Linwood seemed to think that your husband had been sick as well. MARY Yes, Mr. DeSoto has lung cancer. Never smoked a day in his life, neither. INT. LAURA AND MIKE AMBROSINO'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin is talking to MIKE and LAURA AMBROSINO -- 30's. Solid, family folks. But Laura's left brow and cheekbone look swollen and misshapen, and she's trying to hide the fact that she's in a lot of pain. ERIN Mrs. DeSoto said she wasn't sure exactly what it was that you had -- PETE She's not alone on that one. LAURA Well, they know what it is -- it's called fibrous dysplasia -- PETE The bones start growing again. Gives her headaches like you wouldn't believe. LAURA -- they just don't know what caused it. INT. RITA AND TED DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Erin is talking to TED AND RITA DANIELS. Their daughter ANNABELLE, 10, is sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. ERIN ... then Mike Ambrosino remembered seeing you folks at the hospital from time to time too, so I thought I'd just stop by. (to Annabelle) You must be Annabelle. ANNABELLE Uh-huh. ERIN Whew, are you ever a beauty. I mean, you must drive those boys crazy. Annabelle smiles a little. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Late night. George rolls over -- Erin's side of the bed is empty. He checks the clock, then gets up and heads into: INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - NIGHT He peers around and spots her, sitting in the little kid's chair in Matthew and Katie's room. Erin is holding Beth, watching Matt and Katie sleep. Erin hears the floor creak as George steps into the doorway. ERIN Tell me something, George. What kind of God lets a beautiful little 10-year-old girl get brain cancer? Isn't He supposed to be in charge of stuff like that? Make sure it doesn't happen? (beat) I swear, any other job, He'd be fired. EXT. VALLEY SIDEWALK - DAY Ed and Erin are walking down the street, take-out coffee cups in their hands. Ed is sipping his, but Erin is in too much of a lather to drink hers. ED Hunh-uh. Absolutely not. ERIN That's crazy -- why not? ED Because I said no. Look -- the only reason PG&E's even talking to us is cause this is a quiet little real estate dispute. We add plaintiffs, and suddenly we're in the middle of a toxic tort -- with a statute problem -- against a massive utility. No, thank you. They go into their office building. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY Erin and Ed are riding up. ERIN Okay, so here's what I'll do. I'll go on up to Ted and Rita Daniels -- two of the nicest people you'd ever hope to meet, who spend every single day watching their little girl fight like a dog against this cancer -- I'll tell them we can't help them cause you don't feel like working that hard. ED It's not about working hard -- ERIN Bullshit. ED -- It's about being realistic. Something like this, Erin -- it could take forever. They're a huge corporation. They'd completely bury us in paperwork. I'm just one guy with a shitty little P.I. firm. ERIN -- who happens to know they poisoned people and lied about it. The doors open. Ed gets off. Erin follows. INT. MASRY LAW OFFICE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Erin's dogging Ed down the hall, to the office. ERIN And this shit is bad news, Mr. Masry. Not only does it attack every organ of the body, it fucks with your DNA, too. That means these people's genes, and the genes of their kids, and the genes of their grandkids -- ED I know how DNA works, Erin -- He gets to the Masry & Vititoe doors. Opens them. INT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY Erin tails Ed back to his office. ERIN We can get these people. With a little effort, I really think we can nail their asses to the wall. ED Oh, you do? With all your legal expertise, you believe that? ERIN Okay, fine. I don't know shit about shit. But I know the difference -- He shuts his office door on her. ERIN -- BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG! INT. ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed goes over to his desk, sits down. He sees a stack of messages there, starts flipping through them. Then he stops. ED Damn it. He shoves the messages aside and puts his head in his hands. He sits like that for a moment, GROANS to himself. Then he pushes himself up and heads over to his door. When he opens it, he finds Erin still standing there, exactly where he left her, arms crossed. She hasn't budged. ED How many families we talking about here? ERIN Four more. Eleven people. So far. ED You think there's more? ERIN Well -- I found one document at the water board that had a toxic test well reading from 1967. A hell of a lot of people have lived on that land since then. Ed pauses, groans again, realizing what decision he's making. ED This is a whole different ball game, Erin. A much bigger deal. ERIN Kinda like David and what's-his-name? ED Kinda like David and what's-his-name's whole fucking family. (heavy sigh) Okay, here's the deal -- if, and only if, you find me the evidence to back all this up -- I'll do it. I'll take it on. She smiles victoriously. ERIN You're doing the right thing, Mr. Masry. ED Yeah, yeah. Remind me of that when I'm filing for bankruptcy. He heads back to his desk. Erin follows him into his office. ERIN Course, gathering evidence -- now, that's a big job. A hell of a lot bigger than just filing. I'm gonna be working a lot harder now, taking on a lot more responsibility ... He gives her a look. Knows what's coming. ED What now? ERIN Another raise wouldn't hurt. And with all the time I'm gonna be spending on the road, I'll probably be needing my own cel phone, won't I? INT. TOYS 'R' US - DAY CLOSE ON A BEEPING CEL PHONE as Erin tries to program numbers into its speed dial. WIDEN to see she is reading from the phone's manual as she enters Toys 'R' Us with George, Matthew, Katie and Beth. ERIN You each can pick out four things. But nothing huge. Look at the price. Nothing crazy. Matthew and Katie fan out into the store. Erin keeps messing with the phone. GEORGE You can buy 'em all the toys you want, but come Monday, when you split again, they're still gonna be pissed. Erin looks over at him, weary. ERIN George, I am just trying to do something nice for my kids on my one day off. Could you please not give me a hard time about it? GEORGE One toy per kid is doing something nice. Four is ... something else. ERIN Well, hell, I guess that's it, then, huh? They're scarred for life. They're gonna start holding up 7-11's any day now. GEORGE I'm just saying -- ERIN (with intensity) I know what you're saying, and I don't wanna hear it. I am doing the best I can. And she walks away from him. EXT. HINKLEY, ROADSIDE DITCH - DAY Erin, in high heels and miniskirt, is straddling a ditch, scooping clumps of gunky moss from the ditch into plastic containers. Over this: ERIN (O.S.) Dr. Frankel, it's Erin Brockovich. Tell me something: if I wanna find as much evidence of hexavalent chromium contamination as I possibly can, what should I do? As Erin labels the containers, her heels slide down the side of the ditch, and she lands smack in it, knee-deep in gunk. EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - NIGHT Erin, now completely dirty, is climbing over a fence marked "No Trespassing". Her arms are full of more containers. FRANKEL (O.S.) Well, what you have to remember is, if you have hex chrom in the water, you have it in anything that lived off the water. She adds them to a growing collection of containers in the trunk of her car. EXT. HINKLEY, THE POOL BEHIND AN ABANDONED HOUSE - DAY Another day. This time it's RAINING. Erin minces her way down to the deep end of the pool in her spike heels. FRANKEL (O.S.) What I'd do is start a collection. Anything that existed in water, on water, under water ... She gets to the deep end and scoops up a Ziploc full of rancid pool water and seals it. FRANKEL (O.S.) anything that had water flow over or under it ... Erin spots a few dead frogs in the water. She picks one up by the leg, and seals it in a plastic bag as well. EXT. WELL - DAY With a sample cup held in her teeth, Erin hauls herself up over the well's concrete wall, then, with her back against one side of the well and her feet against the other, starts shimmying down the well. FRANKEL (O.S.) anything that had water pass through it ... INSIDE THE WELL she winces at the algae and gook that's clinging to her as she descends to the water level. When she's low enough, she takes the sample cup from her teeth and scoops up the water. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY Erin's at her desk, bending over her notebook in a miniskirt, adding reports to the TOXICOLOGY binder. FRANKEL (O.S.) ... collect 'em, label 'em, then bring 'em to me. I'll analyze 'em, see what we got. ON THE REPORTS: We catch a few words: "water sample A ...", "soil sample D ...", "frog sample A ...", "... traces of hexavalent ..." Brenda looks at Erin and sees her hem rising in the back. BRENDA For God's sake, Erin, I can see your panties. Erin turns to Brenda, relishing the chance to irritate her. ERIN Liar. I'm not wearing any. Ed, in his office, laughs. He's starting to like this gal. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT It's a hot night. George is playing on the floor with the kids. Erin is behind them on the couch, laboriously reading a book labeled, simply, CHROMIUM. The phone RINGS. Erin picks it up. ERIN Hello? MALE VOICE (O.S.) Is this the Erin Pattee Brockovich that's been snooping around the water board? His voice is flat, creepy. Not friendly. ERIN Yes. Who's this? CLICK. Erin stares at the phone, freaked. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT George watches Erin double-checking the locks on the door. ERIN I'm not gonna quit cause of one creepy phone call, George. GEORGE Come on, Erin. A job's supposed to pay your bills, not put you in danger. ERIN I'm not in danger. I have a dead bolt. Remember? She goes to the living room, double-checks the window locks in there. George follows. GEORGE Look, don't take this the wrong way, but don't you think you might be out of your league here? ERIN No, see -- that's exactly what those arrogant PG&E fucks want me to think -- that because they got all this money and power, we don't stand a chance in hell against them. But you know what? They're wrong. She heads into the bedrooms. GEORGE It doesn't have to be this complicated, Erin. There's a lot of jobs out there. ERIN (off-hand) How would you know? George reacts, a little stung. He follows her into: INT. MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Matt and Katie are asleep. Erin is checking their windows. George comes in. They whisper. GEORGE You mind telling me what that's supposed to mean? ERIN Nothing. GEORGE If you got a problem with me taking care of your kids instead of getting some job, just say so. ERIN I didn't say that. GEORGE Cause I can get a job. I will. And you can start leaving the kids with the chicken fat lady again. Would that make you happy? ERIN Keep your voice down. GEORGE I know what they can sleep through, Erin. I probably know it better than you. She gives him a glare, then leaves the room. INT. WATER BOARD - DAY Erin is reaching up to a high shelf for a dusty old box of files. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Ross passing. ERIN Hey, Ross. Tell me something. Does PG&E pay you to cover their ass, or do you just do it out of the kindness of your heart? ROSS (a bad liar) I don't know what you're talking about. ERIN The fuck you don't. No one calls me Pattee. That heavy-breathing sicko that called the other night could've only found out about me from you. (beat) People are dying, Ross. You got document after document here, right under your nose, that says why, and you haven't said word one about it. I wanna know how the hell you sleep at night. Ross is speechless. He just stands there. Erin drags the box to the floor and goes to work. EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT Erin's car is parked in front. A DIRTY OLD PICK-UP comes rumbling up the road. When its lights hit Erin's car, it slows, then pulls over. The driver flicks on his BRIGHTS to get a better look at the car. The truck sits there for a bit, a dark presence. Then, as the headlights of another car appear down the road, the truck goes back in gear, pulls out and drives off. INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - NIGHT A pile of documents is strapped into the passenger seat. An empty coffee cup rolls around the floor. Erin's driving, exhausted. She yawns as she dials her phone. GEORGE (O.S.) Hello? INTERCUT between Erin in her car, and George in bed. ERIN I'm so tired I'm about to drive off the road. Keep me awake, willya? GEORGE What do you want, a joke? ERIN No, no jokes, I gotta pee. Just tell me about your day. What went on back there? GEORGE Well, come to think of it, we did have a big event around here. Beth started talking. ERIN What? (beat) Beth? My Beth? GEORGE Yeah. We were sitting around at lunch and she pointed at a ball and said, "ball." Erin says nothing, just stares out at the empty highway, feeling all hollowed-out. GEORGE I'd never seen that before -- someone's first word. Pretty intense. Erin just nods. Keeps staring straight ahead as a tear rolls down her cheek. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S AREA - DAY CLOSE ON SOME FILES as Erin hands them to Ed. As he takes them from her, he notices a crematory urn on Erin's desk. ED Is that what I think it is? ERIN She lived on the plume. You never know. Ed laughs and hands the documents to Brenda without looking at her. She grumpily takes them over to the fax machine. CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as Brenda types in the number. The recipient's name comes up again: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. EXT. HINKLEY BARBECUE - DAY Open pits, pony rides, watermelon. George is watching Katie and Matt being led around on ponies, an activity that stopped being fun hours ago. Now they're just hot and tired. BY THE BARBECUE, Ed is talking to an OLDER COUPLE as they sign retainer agreements. ELSEWHERE, Erin, holding Beth, is looking at pictures of a swimming pool with FIVE OTHER WOMEN. The water is green. ERIN This was the community pool? WOMAN 1 Yeah, that PG&E built. The whole time we thought it was algae that made it so green. LATER ... Erin's trunk is open. She and Ed are clipping new clusters of retainer agreements into the "PLAINTIFFS" binder. LATER STILL ... Erin and Ed are passing out informational pamphlets. She sticks one in a hand before noticing that it's George's. GEORGE I'm bored, and so are the kids. ERIN Just a few more minutes, then we can go. (as he heads off) Take her, will you? George drops the pamphlet and takes Beth from Erin. He heads over to Matt and Katie, sitting glumly on a log. As he steps away, a hand reaches down and grabs the flier he dropped. It belongs to a MAN IN A BLACK JACKET. He's in his 50's, strong and sinewy. Military-style dark glasses obscure his eyes. He scans the pamphlet, then watches Erin working the crowd. Watches her carefully. He slides the pamphlet into his inside pocket, and heads back his car -- the DIRTY OLD PICK-UP TRUCK that idled in front of the Water Board. LATER STILL ... Erin is heading over to George and the kids, ready to leave, when Donna comes up to her, with A MIDDLE-AGED MAN in tow. DONNA Erin, this here's Frank Melendez. He works over at the compressor station -- Erin stops in her tracks, very interested. LATER STILL ... Erin and Frank are on a bench, talking. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her car drive off. George's hand sticks out the driver's side and flips her the bird. She watches him disappear, then, hiding her rage, turns back to Frank. ERIN I'm sorry. What were you saying? LATER ... The barbecue is winding down. Ed is heading for his Mercedes. Erin storms up beside him, mad as all get-out. ERIN I need a ride. INT. ED'S CAR - DAY Ed is driving. He glances over at Erin, fuming in the passenger seat. After a beat: ED You wanna talk about -- ERIN No. Another beat. Then Erin's cel phone rings. She digs into her bag, pulling it out as fast as she can. Answers. ERIN What, asshole? There's a pause. Then Mike Ambrosino's voice comes over the line, very strained: MIKE AMBROSINO (O.S.) Um, Erin? This is Mike. Ambrosino. EXT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, FOYER - DAY The curtains are drawn; everything is dark. Ed and Erin are at the door, talking to Mike, who looks drawn and tired. MIKE She was about to take a handful of these -- He shows them a bottle of prescription pills. MIKE It's a morphine thing -- for pain -- Erin nods, then leaves Ed with Mike and heads toward: INT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY Erin opens the door. Very dark, very quiet. Laura is lying in bed. Erin goes over to her. They speak in whispers. LAURA I'm embarrassed. ERIN That's okay. I understand. LAURA It's just -- the pain. It's only getting worse. I can't be a good wife. I can't be a good mother. ERIN I'm real sorry, Laura. Erin sits down on the chair next to the bed. Takes a beat. LAURA Know what I always thought I wanted outta life, Erin? A Jaguar. ERIN Jaguar's a darn pretty car. LAURA I thought if I could spend that kinda money on a car, it'd mean everything else was fine. (beat) I don't even know how much they cost. ERIN A lot. But you hang in there, maybe you'll get one. Laura shakes her head. LAURA Wouldn't mean the same thing. Erin watches her sadly. INT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY A LOUD, industrial plant. Erin and Frank Melendez walk through, him in coveralls, her in a teensy sun dress. Both in hard-hats. He's giving her a tour. EXT. NORTHRIDGE STREET - DAY George, in his leather and denim, is walking down the sidewalk. As we WIDEN, we see he's pushing a PINK STROLLER. He stops at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. In the stroller, Beth starts to whine. George reaches in his pocket, finds her pacifier. As he's leaning down to give it to her, he hears a RUMBLE coming down the street behind him. The roar grows. He stands, looks. A GROUP OF ABOUT TEN BIKERS has pulled up next to him. He looks at them. They look at him, then at the stroller. George feels ridiculous. When the light changes, the bikers REV LOUDLY and pull out. George just stands there and watches them go. INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT His office is all about Hinkley. A map of the plume area and a diagram of the plant cover one wall; photos of the plant cover the credenza; piles of documents litter every surface; Erin is up at the map, eating Chinese food. ERIN They used the hex chrom here, in these cooling tanks, as an anti-corrosive. Then they dumped it here, in these six ponds. ED I don't remember seeing any ponds up there. She bites into a forkful of food, keeps talking. ERIN They covered 'em over. And not too carefully either, cause you dig one inch under the surface, and the dirt is green as a fucking shamrock. ED And that's what caused the contamination? ERIN It didn't help, but no. The real problem's on the bottom. She reaches for a document, reads from it. ERIN See, according to this, they were supposed to line the ponds so this shit couldn't seep into the ground. But guess what -- ED They skipped that step. ERIN I guess it was a little too inconvenient. So for fourteen years, this stuff flowed into the groundwater, free as you please. ED Jesus. (beat) I don't even wanna ask what you did to make this Melendez guy talk. In response to the insinuation, Erin gives him a glare. ERIN For your information, Frank cares what was in those ponds 'cause he used to spend half his day wading around them. That was his job. ED No shit. ERIN No -- Suddenly, her eyes pop out of her head -- ERIN SHIT! SHIT! Hot! Hot! Hot! Tears spring to her eyes. She fans furiously at her mouth. Ed finds the tequila from the client and hands it to her. She takes a swig. There's a nanosecond of relief ... until the tequila hits. Her eyes redden. She spews and gasps. ERIN You ... asshole ... Ed chuckles. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - LATER The tequila's been dipped into. Ed and Erin are each lying on a couch, staring at documents. Late-night working. ED Erin -- lemme tell you something. If I'da put three researchers on this, I wouldn't expect them to dig up all the information you got here. This is some damn good work. ERIN Yeah? Then gimme another raise. ED Hey, I got a staff to pay, plus rent, plus I haven't billed a minute of my time since I started on this case, so you can quit hitting me up like I'm rich or something. He gets up, grabs his trash can, and moves around the room with it, cleaning up all the Chinese food cartons. ERIN Don't give me that. You're gonna get plenty rich off of this, Mr. 40 percent. We got those PG&E fuckers by the balls here. ED We've got the PG&E fuckers in Hinkley by the balls. But nobody's getting rich unless we can pin this on the corporate PG&E fuckers in San Francisco. ERIN What do you mean? ED PG&E corporate is claiming they had no way of knowing what was going on in Hinkley. ERIN Oh, they knew. They had to know. ED Show me the document that proves that. She doesn't have one. ED Then they didn't know. And if they didn't know, we can't hit 'em for punitive damages. And punitive damages is where the money is. ERIN Jesus Christ, Ed -- you know, the more I work on this thing, the more I realize what a crock of shit this legal system is. Here we got a company that poisoned a whole aquifer -- that built a pool for a town, then filled it with toxic water -- and we're the ones who've gotta bust our ass proving things? That's just not right. Beat. Ed smiles. ED I like this case. ERIN Really? It makes me sick. ED Me too. That's why I like it. It's been a long time since I had a case I cared about. ERIN You didn't care about my case? ED I would now. He gives her a long look. ED Hey. I like working with you. ERIN Well, good, Ed. I like working with you too. They both smile a little awkwardly. Take a beat. Then: ED When'd you start calling me Ed? INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT The Christmas party. The office is decorated; someone is Santa. Erin and George enter, all dressed up. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin's giving George a guided tour. As they head down the hall, every desk is decorated and has a present on it GEORGE I'm just saying -- we have one night to ourselves, why do we have to spend it here? ERIN Cause it's my office party. If you had an office, I'd go to your party. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - NIGHT It's dark. The door to Erin's area opens. ERIN And here, ta-daa, is my desk. She flicks on the lights. Brenda's desk is decorated and as a present on it. Erin's is empty. GEORGE Which one? (it's obvious) Maybe they didn't think you were coming. Erin shakes her head. She's surprised by how hurt she is. ERIN (quietly) God damn. I work so hard. The least they could do ... George looks over at her, sees her eyes glisten a little. He goes over to her, wraps his arms around her. GEORGE Hey. Fuck 'em, babe. Who needs 'em, huh? He kisses her. She leans into him. He kisses her some more. GEORGE (quietly) See? All we need is each other. She kisses back. She's gonna let him take care of her. Some more kisses, heating up. He slides her onto her empty desk. GEORGE Good thing there isn't a present there, huh? That mighta hurt. She laughs a little. He slides his hands up her skirt. She pulls him into her, tugging his shirt out of his pants. INT. MASRY OFFICES, HALLWAY - NIGHT Ed is coming down the hall with his wife, JOEY. Joey is much younger than Ed, and very pretty. ED I'll show you what we did back here -- INT. ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT Erin and George, in a rapidly-heating-up clinch on her desk, hear the voices. Erin pulls away. ERIN That's Ed. GEORGE Lock the door. ERIN No, I wanna say hi. He pulls her back into him, not wanting to move. GEORGE We'll say hi later. Lock it. But Erin pulls away ... ERIN Come on, George, it's a party. He watches her straighten her dress and take a step away from him. It's just one step, but it feels a hell a lot farther. INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER Erin and Ed are at the reception desk, talking and laughing. NEARBY, Joey and George are standing together, awkwardly. JOEY Your wife's real pretty. GEORGE She's not my wife. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Matthew lies awake in his bed, listening to George and Erin fight. GEORGE (O.S.) It wouldn't kill you to talk about something other than yourself and your own fucking job once in a while -- ERIN (O.S.) What do you want to talk about instead? Your day? That's a fascinating subject. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin and George are fighting while they get ready for bed. GEORGE Fuck you. Just cause I don't spend all day trying to prove what hot shit I am -- ERIN That is not what I'm -- GEORGE Bullshit, Erin. Bullshit. The fight is interrupted by the sound of BETH CRYING. ERIN Great. Excellent. Thank you very much. She leaves the room. INT. BETH'S ROOM - NIGHT Beth is wailing in her crib. Erin comes in in her nightshirt and lifts Beth out. Then, more to herself than to Beth: ERIN It's okay, baby. It'll be okay. She runs her hand over Beth's head, then slides down the wall and crumples onto the floor. As she curls around Beth, Erin starts to COUGH. Deep, raspy coughs from way down low. EXT. PG&E STATION - NIGHT Late, late at night. The plant is silent. The property seems empty, until we notice Pete Irving standing alone inside the gates, staring up at the station. After a beat, he picks up a rock and hurls it at the plant. It misses. Not that it would do anything if it hit. He reaches for another, throws it. Then another, and another. He hurls rock after rock at the gigantic plant. Then, overwhelmed by his impotence, he lets out a TERRIFYING YELL. INT. IRVINGS' HOUSE, DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAY Donna's sitting quietly in bed. Erin is sitting on the edge of the bed. DONNA I'd got so used to having 'em come up benign, I guess I just didn't expect it. She looks down her shirt front. DONNA Sure wish I had longer to get used to the idea. (beat) You think if you got no uterus, and no breasts, you're still technically a woman? ERIN Sure you are. You're just a happier woman, cause you don't have to deal with maxi-pads and underwire. Donna smiles a little. Then her face crumbles. DONNA We're gonna get them, aren't we, Erin? You gotta promise me we're gonna get them. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, DAY CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as DOCUMENTS are faxed once again to the PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. THEN AGAIN, on another day. AND AGAIN, on another day. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is once again checking the lie of his tie in a window. Erin is popping some aspirin, trying to kill a headache that has brought with it a healthy dose of intolerance. ERIN If they've sent that little shmuck Baum again, I'm gonna be real pissed off. ED From their tone of voice on the phone, I'd say they're taking us more seriously. ERIN Yeah, I heard that one before. Brenda leans her head in. BRENDA Mr. Sanchez, Mr. Webster, Mr. Buda, and Ms. Cooper, from PG&E are here. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Talk about moving up the food chain. MS. SANCHEZ, MR. WEBSTER, MR. BUDA, and MR. COOPER mill slowly about the reception area like sharks. They all ooze importance. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE OF ED'S OFFICE - DAY Erin, Ed and Brenda are staring out at them. ERIN Jesus. They look like the Secret Service. ED They're trying to intimidate us. (then, to Brenda) Tell them to wait in the conference room. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Sanchez, Webster, Buda, and Cooper are seated. The door opens and Ed enters, legal pad under his arm. Followed by Erin, legal pad under her arm. Followed by Anna (looking professional in Brenda's suit coat), legal pad under her arm. Followed by Mario (in a suit produced from who knows where), legal pad under his arm. If you didn't know better, you'd assume it was a team of lawyers as well. ED Counselors -- MR. SANCHEZ Counselors. Ed and Erin sit down and get to work. Mario and Anna, clearly told to just follow along, sit down a moment later. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Mario and Anna are sitting mutely in their seats beside Ed and Erin, firing blank looks across the table. SANCHEZ Let's be honest, here. Two million dollars is more money than these people have ever dreamed of. Erin has no patience for this today. ERIN Oh, see, now that pisses me off. First of all -- we got more'n a hundred plaintiffs. They may not be sophisticated, but they do know how to divide, and two million dollars isn't shit when it's split between them. Mario and Anna exchange a look. This is getting interesting. ED Erin -- But there's no stopping her. ERIN And second of all -- these people don't dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying they'll have to have a hysterectomy at age 20, like Rosa Diaz -- a client of ours -- or have their spine deteriorate like Stan Bloom. Another client of ours. So before you come back here with another lame-ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr. Buda -- or what you'd expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Miss Sanchez -- then you take out your calculator and multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. And she gets up and storms out of the meeting. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY Erin drinks a big swig of coffee and pops a few more aspirin. Beyond her, the PG&E lawyers are filing out of the office. Anna wanders over to Erin, a little uncomfortable. ANNA Um, Erin? (Erin turns) Listen. Even though you're not necessarily my favorite person in the world ... (beat) ... sometimes you're not half-bad. ERIN I'm gonna assume that was meant as a compliment, Anna, and just say thank you. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT Erin's at her desk, which is completely buried in documents and files. She's visibly exhausted, struggling to focus on the page, and COUGHING while she works. Ed calls to her. ED Hey. A new plaintiff called, wants to meet you. I told him we'd be out there Thursday. ERIN D'you get his name? (no answer) Course not. Jesus, Ed -- ED He said he'd be at the gas station at six. ERIN Boy, this job takes me to some of the best damn places, huh? EXT. HINKLEY GAS STATION - SUNSET Erin is sitting out front, swigging cough syrup from the bottle. She checks her watch: 6:30. The GAS STATION ATTENDANT comes out, locks up, and turns out the lights. ERIN This is the only station in town, right? ATTENDANT Yup. He gets in his car and drives off. Erin sits down again. Looks down the road in both directions. Nothing. Then she spots, behind some bushes across the street, a glint of chrome. She shields her eyes against the sunset and sees: the BEAT-UP TRUCK parked behind some shrubbery. Erin looks around, realizes she's alone. As she looks back at the truck, the ASH of a cigarette brightens in the cab. She realizes she's being watched. The driver's door opens. Erin bolts for her car, scrambling to find her keys. She jumps in, locks her doors, and tries to start her car, but it won't turn over. Panic. The Man in the Dark Glasses has gotten out and is heading toward her car. Erin looks around again. Not a soul. She tries the engine again. And again. Just as he gets to her car, the engine engages. Erin peels out of the gas station. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin drives down the road, hyperventilating, trying to focus on the road. She looks in the rear-view mirror -- nothing. She reaches the train tracks. A train is passing. She has to stop. As she's waiting, the glint of headlights bounce off her rear view mirror. Truck lights, coming her way. Fuck. She looks at the train -- still passing -- then back at the headlights closing in on her. The train, the headlights, the train, the headlights ... Finally, when the headlights are right behind her, the last train car zips by. Erin peels out, bounding her rickety car over the tracks. The truck follows. EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT The Hyundai zips down the road. And behind it, the truck. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT She looks out at the landscape around her. It's black. No other cars on the road. She starts to panic, accelerates. EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT The Hyundai going faster. The truck still following. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT Erin comes up on a stop sign. She runs it. So does the truck. A little later, she makes a turn and sees THE LOST CAUSE SALOON. In the parking lot, like a lifeboat, sits Ed's Mercedes. She pulls into the drive and jumps out of her car. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT Ed is eating ribs when Erin bursts through the door. She rushes over to him, near tears with fear and exhaustion. ERIN Someone's following me. ED What? Who? ERIN Some guy in a truck -- he waited till I was alone, then he followed me, like, two miles. Jesus, I'm shaking. Get me a beer. Ed gets up and heads toward the door. ED (to the counter guy) Beer, please. As Ed looks out the door, Erin collapses onto a bench. ED What kind of truck? ERIN I don't know. Big. Dark. ED He's gone. (back to the table) Did you get a license plate? Or a make? ERIN No, Ed -- what with me running for my life, I didn't have time to check those things -- ED I was just asking. Are you all right? ERIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm ... fine. Ed looks at her. She looks terrible. Shaky, tired, drawn. ED Jesus, you look like shit. When was the last time you had a decent night's sleep? EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Crappy and pink. Ed's Mercedes pulls into the parking lot. Erin's Hyundai follows. Ed stops, gets out. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT Ed swings by Erin's open car window. ED Don't worry. I'm getting two rooms. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Erin and Ed amble down the porch, checking door numbers, each rattling a key. They find their adjacent rooms and stop. Erin leans against the wall, too weak to stand. ED Lock the door every which way you can. And if there's anything -- funny sound, whatever -- pound on the wall. I'll come right over. She nods a little. Then before she goes into her room: ERIN I think you should know -- there's very few people in the world who don't piss me off 90 percent of the time. (beat) You're one of 'em. It's as tender as she gets, and he's moved by it. They look at each other. Maybe even considering. But after a long beat, she reaches for her door again. Moment over. ED I'm triple locking my door, so don't even think of trying to take advantage. She smiles, goes inside. He watches her close her door behind her before going inside himself. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - NIGHT George is sitting alone on the stoop, drinking a beer. Music is coming from his house next door. He stares out into the street with a lot on his mind. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Katie and Matt are making a mess of breakfast. Beth is on the floor, grinding cereal into the linoleum. ERIN (O.S.) Hello? Erin enters, having just gotten home, and sees the mayhem. ERIN What are you doing? Where's George? KATIE I don't know. ERIN George! She heads out. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY George is sitting on the bed when Erin enters. ERIN Jesus, George, they're turning the kitchen into a hellhole. You know you can't leave them alone like that. He doesn't answer. Doesn't move. She notices this. ERIN What's going on? What are you doing? GEORGE Thinking. ERIN About what? He's very calm. He holds out a small jewelry box. GEORGE About this. ERIN What's that? GEORGE It's a pair of earrings. I saw 'em in the mall one day, and I thought, damn, those would look good on those beautiful earlobes. So I bought 'em. And I said to myself, next time Erin says something nice, does something nice, I'll surprise her with 'em. (beat) Know how long ago that was? Six months. In six months, you haven't said one nice thing to me. That's a long time. ERIN I'm sorry. I'm just working so hard -- GEORGE I know. But still. Six months. (he stands) I think you oughta either find a different job or a different boyfriend. Cause there may be men who don't mind being the maid and getting nothing in return, but I'm sure as shit not one of 'em. ERIN I can't leave my job, George. GEORGE Yeah, you can. You could just quit. People do it all the time. ERIN I can't. Look -- this job -- it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean it. For the first time in my life, I got people respecting me. Up in Hinkley, I walk into a room and everyone shuts up just to hear what I got to say. I never had that. Ever. Don't ask me to give it up. I need it. GEORGE More than you need me. ERIN I need it. He nods, then stands, to leave. GEORGE Maybe you didn't like who you were before, Erin, but I did. That's who I fell in love with. Only then does she see the packed duffel bag in the corner. ERIN You already packed up your stuff? GEORGE I pretty much knew what your answer was gonna be. He picks it up and walks out the door, tossing the earring box on the bed as he goes. INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin is at her window, looking out at the street below. George is strapping a couple of bags onto the back of his bike. He gets on the bike, starts it up, and drives away. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin is driving, looking weary. Her kids are in the car. Matthew turns on the radio. Erin reaches over and turns it off. Matthew turns it back on. Erin glares at him, turns it off. On/off/on/off. A test of wills. Finally, when Matthew turns it on one more time, Erin turns it off, yanks the knob off the stereo and throws it out the window. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY The Hyundai pulls into the lot. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin parks the car, unclips her seat belt. ERIN Wait here. She gets out. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Business as usual. Erin comes in, goes straight to her desk. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY Erin flips through her "in" box, looking for something in particular. Doesn't find it. Grrr. She heads off to: INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY Jane is at her desk when Erin comes in. ERIN Where's my paycheck? JANE Have you been logging on? ERIN What? JANE I moved payroll onto the computer. It only knows to process paychecks for employees who log on in the morning and off at night. ERIN (seething) Now how'm I supposed to do that when I'm not in here most mornings and nights? JANE You're clever. I'm sure you'll think of something. Erin glares at her ... ERIN I don't believe this -- ... then turns and storms out of Jane's office. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is on the phone when Erin barges in, rage in her eyes. ERIN I want my fucking money -- ED (into phone) I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just one second here -- (puts the call on hold, then, to Erin) Do you mind? ERIN (seething) Yeah, I mind. You bet your ass I mind. Clearly, she's in a dander he's going to have to deal with. ED Oh, Jesus. You wanna tell me what the problem is here, or -- ERIN It's my paycheck. Which I earned. Which I deserve. Which I shouldn't have to beg for. That fat-ass bitch won't give it to me. ED Erin, you're a big girl. If you got a problem with Jane, work it out for yourself. I don't have time to deal with -- ERIN Fuck you. Make time. Cause I bust my ass for you. I watch everything else in my life go straight in the toilet, for you. And what do you do for me? Huh? You see the way I'm treated around here -- but have you ever stood up for me once? Have you ever mentioned to everyone what good work I'm doing? Have you ever bothered saying, hey, Erin doesn't get paid the most cause she has the best tits; she gets paid the most cause she's the best God damn employee I've ever had? ED Is that what you want? ERIN I want my paycheck. By the end of the day. Ed sighs. Realizes he's going to have to take this on. ED I'll see what I can do. ERIN You might want to think real hard about the amount, too. My kids are sitting in the God damn parking lot right now, cause I still don't make enough to afford good child care. Makes me think about looking around for a job where I'm appreciated, for shit's sake. She storms out. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT Erin is standing at the sink, visibly exhausted, trying to do the dinner dishes with one arm and comfort Beth, who's CRYING, with the other. Matthew comes in. MATTHEW Can I play roller hockey? ERIN We'll see. MATTHEW When? The DOORBELL RINGS. Erin goes to get it. Matthew follows INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Matthew is dogging Erin on this. Beth is still crying. MATTHEW Randy's mom said yes right away. ERIN (snapping) Well, God damn it, Matthew -- Randy's mom doesn't work eighteen-hour days, and Randy's dad didn't leave her, so figuring out who's gonna take who where is a little easier over at Randy's house. Erin opens the door. A MESSENGER is there. MESSENGER Erin Brockovich? ERIN Yeah? MESSENGER Package from Masry & Vititoe. He hands her a manila envelope. She signs for the package, then tears into it as the Messenger heads away. A CHECK and a SET OF KEYS fall out. She looks at the check. It's made out for $5,000. A note attached reads "HIRE A NANNY. AND LOOK OUTSIDE. - E." Erin looks up and sees A BRAND-NEW CHEVY BLAZER parked on the curb. She looks at the keys in her hand. Chevy keys. Whoa. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE, PARKING LOT - DAY Erin drives up in the Blazer, pulls into a parking space. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, LAW LIBRARY - DAY It's dark. Ed's seated at a table, alone. Erin walks by the door, then spots him and stops in the doorway. ERIN Believe it or not, I would've been satisfied with just the check. Ed turns, sees her. ED Well, you go threatening to leave, I can't take any chances. You're the only person around who understands what I'm doing. Things come up, I gotta know I got someone to turn to. She sits, reading him. ERIN What kind of things come up? ED Things like the head counsel for PG&E calling me with an offer. (beat) 20 million, plus attorney's fees. Take it or leave it. ERIN Whoa. No shit. ED It's about 50 thousand per plaintiff. ERIN So what are you thinking? ED I'm thinking ... I wish someone else had to make this decision. (beat) 50 thousand bucks is more than any other California toxic plaintiff has gotten. Ever. But ... ERIN ... but it won't cover Annabelle Daniels's medical bills. ED And it's less than pocket change for PG&E. ERIN Do you think we'd do better by going to trial? ED Maybe. but maybe not. We still don't have anything linking this to PG&E corporate. Plus, there's the statute problem. Plus, we're way short on manpower, so we'd need to bring on more lawyers ... ERIN Plus, 40 percent of 20 million's a whole lot of money. ED It's eight million dollars, Erin. Eight million dollars. Beat. ERIN That's a fucking fortune, Ed. And you know I'm the last person on Earth to walk away from a big payday. But you and me didn't get into this to get rich. We did it cause we both have this voice in our heads saying, do the right thing; get these plaintiffs what they deserve -- the right to live and die in some kind of comfort and peace. If 50,000 isn't gonna buy that, then we gotta say no. (beat) Trust me. If you don't do the right thing for these people, getting that 6 million dollars is gonna feel like shit. He nods to himself, and looks up at her, his mind made up. ED I knew I put up with your bullshit for a reason. INT. ERIN'S NEW CAR - DAY It's raining. They're driving through the tall buildings of Century City. Ed is full of nervous excitement. ED This guy, Erin -- he's got more toxic tort experience than anyone else in California. He's huge. And he said yes to me on the first phone call, right off the bat. (points to a building) That's it. The big one. They've got the top three floors. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, RECEPTION - DAY It feels more like the lobby of a five-star hotel than an office. Erin and Ed step off the elevator. Erin gawks. ERIN Holy shit. Who do they represent, God? ED Don't joke. They might. So do me a favor and behave yourself for once. (to receptionist) Ed Masry to see Kurt Potter. As Ed turns to check his reflection, a YOUNG LAWYER comes through the reception area. Erin watches him pass, then, still miffed, calls out to him. ERIN Scuse me, sir, you got a real nice ass, you know that? The lawyer double-takes on her, then retreats into the office. Erin turns to Ed, smiles. ERIN Oh, I'm sorry. Was that not what you meant by behaving myself? INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD RECEPTION AREA - DAY THERESA DELLAVALLE, 38, junior partner, comes out to greet them. She's everything Erin isn't: conservative, restrained, unemotional. And about as sexy as a station wagon. THERESA Ed. Good to see you again. ED Theresa, hey -- this is Erin Brockovich. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD HALLWAY - DAY Theresa leads Ed and Erin down a long hall of teak desks. The sound of their footfalls is swallowed up by the plush carpeting. Occasional ATTORNEYS and PARALEGALS glance at Erin. She feels their stares. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, KURT POTTER'S OFFICE - DAY Potter is sitting behind his giant desk when Theresa leads Ed and Erin in. THERESA Kurt, Ed Masry's here. And this is Erin Brockovich, Ed's assistant. Erin, this is Kurt Potter. POTTER (to Ed, with a wink) Well. Now I know what you meant when you called her your secret weapon. Erin gives Ed another look. What the fuck? Ed gives her a firm look back. Behave. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Potter, Ed, Erin, Theresa and few PARALEGALS are sitting around the table. As the conversation ping-pongs between Ed and Potter, Potter completely ignores Erin. POTTER When'd they file the demur? ED Yesterday. ERIN What's a demur? ED It's PG&E saying to the judge that we don't have a case. Their lawyers go -- POTTER How many counts? ED Sixty-nine. We've got good answers to all of 'em. ERIN Counts? ED Reasons PG&E thinks it shouldn't go to -- POTTER Who's the judge? ED Corey. POTTER Good. ERIN Why good? ED He's got a reputation for doing all his -- POTTER How long's he gonna take? Erin's starting to steam at Potter. Theresa sees it brewing, tries to intercede. THERESA You know what? Why don't I take Erin down the hall, so we can start in on this stuff? Erin notices all her files in stacks against the wall. ERIN Hey -- those are my files -- THERESA Yeah, we had them couriered over. And listen, good work. They're a great start. We're just going to have to spend a little time filling in the holes in your research. Okay, these people are starting to piss her off. ERIN Excuse me -- Theresa, was it? There are no holes in my research. THERESA No offense. There are just some things we need that you probably didn't know to ask. ERIN Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, okay? I may not have a law degree, but I've spent 18 months on this case, and I know more about those plaintiffs than you ever will. THERESA Erin. You don't even have phone numbers for some of them. ERIN Whose number do you need? THERESA Everyone's. This is a lawsuit. We need to be able to contact the plaintiffs. ERIN I said, whose number do you need? THERESA You don't know six hundreds plaintiffs' numbers by heart. Erin just stares at her. Theresa sighs, reluctantly glances down at a file. THERESA Annabelle Daniels. ERIN Annabelle Daniels. 714-454-9346. As Theresa starts to write it down: ERIN 10 years old, 11 in May. Lived on the plume since birth. Wanted to be a synchronized swimmer, so she spent every minute she could in the PG&E pool. She had a tumor in her brain stem detected last November, had an operation on Thanksgiving, shrunk it with radiation after that. Her parents are Rita and Ted. Ted's got Chron's disease, and Rita has chronic headaches and nausea and underwent a hysterectomy last fall. Ted grew up in Hinkley. His brother Robbie and his wife May and their five kids Robbie, Jr., Martha, Ed, Rose, and Peter lived on the plume too. Their number's 454-9445. You want their diseases? Beat. Erin glares at Theresa, indignant. THERESA Okay, look -- I think we got off on the wrong foot here -- ERIN That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet. In fucking ugly shoes. INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT It's still raining. Erin is following Ed to the car. He's furious. ERIN She insulted me! ED Bullshit. It was a misunderstanding. But instead of handling it politely, instead of treating her with respect -- ERIN Why the fuck should I respect her? Ed stops in his tracks, furious. He glares at her. ED Because that's how people treat each other! ERIN Not in my world. ED Gee, I wonder why. On that, he gets in his car, slams the door, and drives off, leaving her standing alone in the pouring rain. ERIN Hey! You're my ride! INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - DAY Potter and Ed are walking down the hallway, mid-conversation. A FEW PARALEGALS follow them with files. POTTER I've also been thinking about the team. Responsibilities, who should cover what -- ED Right. POTTER I think we should makes some changes. EXT. LINWOOD'S DAIRY - DAY Bob Linwood is in his barn, mucking it out. Theresa is at the edge of the property, trying unsuccessfully to get his attention by yelling and waving her arms. In her expensive shoes, she's stopped short of the cow patty minefield. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON A CLIENT FILE as a hand fills in a phone number. WIDEN TO SEE Erin seated with a PARALEGAL, rattling off facts and numbers from memory. She's seized by a COUGHING FIT. EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY - DAY Theresa still hasn't gotten Linwood's attention. Finally, rather than ruin her shoes, she picks up a stone and tosses it at the barn. It hits the window and BREAKS IT. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - DAY Erin's desk is empty: no Erin, no files, nothing. Ed comes out of his office and hands Brenda a STACK OF DOCUMENTS. CLOSE ON THE FAX LED Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up again, only this time it says: POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD. INT. POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - ANOTHER DAY A SECRETARY carries the documents to Potter's office. On the way, she passes THE CONFERENCE ROOM. Inside, Erin is still dictating to the PARALEGAL. She's shivery with fever now. The floor around her is littered with tissues. INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Theresa is talking to Rita and Ted Daniels. Annabelle is curled up on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket. Rita and Ted notice that Theresa doesn't even look at Annabelle. INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY Erin is lying in bed, home sick, talking on the phone. She's talking over the noise of TANIA, her 20-something Eastern European nanny, vacuuming the hall. ERIN I know she isn't real warm, but they say she's a real good lawyer ... INTERCUT WITH INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Ted Daniels is on the phone. Rita is next to him. TED That may be. But I don't want her coming to the house again. She's kinda stuck-up, and she upsets Annabelle. Now, I hate to say this, but when she left today, Rita asked if we should get a new lawyer. ERIN Ted, no -- don't do that. If you don't like Theresa, you don't have to work with her. Me and Ed are still here for you. TED I called Ed two days ago, Erin, and he still hasn't called me back. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY The phone rings. Brenda picks up. BRENDA Ed Masry's office ... Sorry, he can't be interrupted. INTERCUT WITH Erin at home, still in bed, so irritated. ERIN Don't be a pain in the ass, okay, Brenda? Just put him on. BRENDA (with finality) I said, he can't be interrupted. Erin hangs up. Then, with a groan, she pulls her weary body out of bed. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY Erin drags herself into the office. ROSALIND Hey, Erin, I thought you were taking a sick day. ERIN So did I. She heads toward Ed's office, but stops when she sees a meeting in progress in the conference room. Ed is on the side of the table facing her, flanked by Potter and Theresa. On the other side of the table, are FOUR SUITED BACKS. ERIN What's going on in there? ROSALIND Some meeting. With PG&E people. ERIN PG& -- Are you sure? ROSALIND Yup. They must be important, too, cause they came on a special plane. Erin feels this like a sock in the gut. She stares at the meeting, stunned. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY This band of PG&E lawyers is the oldest and most impressive of all. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are listening to the most senior PG&E lawyer, MR. CORBIN, talk. CORBIN ... we would enter into binding arbitration -- judge, no jury -- with a settlement to be between 50 and 400 million dollars. Ed and Potter hear this and think about it. POTTER Any preconditions on the settlements? CORBIN The plaintiffs have to agree to it unanimously. And they're barred from ever discussing their settlement with anyone. ED 50-400 million dollars isn't a whole hell of a lot of money for your company, Mr. Corbin. HEAD COUNSEL 50-400 million dollars is a great deal of money for your plaintiffs, Mr. Masry. As Ed mulls this, he sees, beyond Mr. Corbin, ERIN staring at him from the other side of the glass wall, her face cold with hurt and anger. ED Could I -- just take a brief break here for a moment? I'll be right back. He gets up and goes out into: INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Ed comes out. Erin's so angry she can barely breathe. ERIN If you tell me to relax, I'm gonna kick your fucking head off -- ED Erin, it's just a meeting. ERIN People don't fly down in their own god damn plane for "just a meeting" -- ED Look, you said you weren't feeling great. I thought you should rest. ERIN Bullshit. You'd drag me off my deathbed if it suited you. ED Okay, look. It's an important meeting. Kurt thought, if it was just lawyers -- ERIN Kurt thought? What about you? Do you think anymore? He resists being dragged into an knock-down, drag-out fight. ED Look, this is serious now. They're talking serious money -- ERIN And, what, I'm not serious? ED You're emotional. You're erratic. You say any God damn thing that comes into your head. And I'm not saying that's bad. That can be great; that can be a lot of fun -- ERIN "Fun?" Jesus, "fun?" I kill myself for a year and a half, hand you the best case of your life on a God damn silver platter, remind you of why you became a lawyer in the first place, and you think of me as "fun?" ED Okay, now you're making this personal, and it isn't -- ERIN Not personal? That's my work in there, Ed. My sweat, my labor, my time. If that's not personal, I don't know what is. She starts to COUGH and CRUMBLE, but fights it. ERIN (weakened) How dare you take that away from me. ED No one's taking anything -- ERIN Bullshit. You stuck me in Siberia dictating to some God damn steno clerk so you could finish this thing without me. After all I've done for you, that's the thanks I get. By now the entire office is watching. As are the lawyers in the conference room. ED Don't give me that. You've gotten plenty. You've been well-paid; you've gotten lots of perks ... ERIN Perks? Jesus -- perks? Erin reaches into her bag, pulls out her cel phone. ERIN If this piece of shit is supposed to take the place of your respect, you can take it and shove it up your ass. She throws it at him and storms away. The phone hits the glass wall of the conference room, CRACKING it. Ed just stands there, with the lawyers staring at him through the splintered glass wall. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY Erin gets to her car. As she opens the door, the ALARM SOUNDS. She fumbles with her keychain, trying to turn it off, but she's too sick and upset to figure it out. With the siren still blaring, she kicks at the car in rage. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin's driving home. As she turns onto her street, her headlights wash across the sidewalk and illuminate a small boy, wearing a backpack, walking the other way. ERIN Holy shit -- She looks over her shoulder, but the sidewalk is too dark. She pulls a U-turn in the middle of the street. A CAR HONKS. Erin scans the sidewalk, finally sees him again. Holy shit, is right. It's Matthew, wandering the streets at night. ERIN Matthew -- She pulls ahead of Matthew and bumps up onto the sidewalk, blocking his path. When he sees her car, he turns and runs the other way. Erin leaps out and follows him. ERIN Matthew! MATTHEW! She catches up and collars him. ERIN God damn it, Matthew. What the hell are you doing out here? MATTHEW I'm gonna go live with George. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT MUSIC is playing. TANIA is on the phone. The receiver is yanked from her hand. She turns to see Erin hovering over her, barely containing herself. ERIN If you leave here real fast, I might not kill you. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATTHEW AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Matthew's in his bed, facing the wall. Erin sitting on the foot of his bed, near tears. Katie's watching from her bed. ERIN We'll work out the roller hockey thing, okay? Whatever you want, we'll work it out. I promise. MATTHEW You always say that. Then you go to work and forget you promised. ERIN I never forget, honey. I try, real hard. It's just, for some reason, I don't seem to be able to organize things right and -- when it comes to you guys, I end up falling short. MATTHEW You never fall short for the work people. I guess maybe you just love them more. ERIN Oh, God, sweetheart, no. There's nothing on Earth I love more than you. Nothing. (beat) I promise. She lays her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off and inches away from her. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin comes out of the bedroom. As she turns to close the door, she collapses to the floor in a heap. Out cold. INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT A busy Southland ER. George bursts through the doors with Katie, Matthew and Beth in tow. He goes up to the desk. GEORGE I'm looking for Erin Brockovich. They brought her in in an ambulance? INT. ER WAITING AREA - DAY The kids are waiting. George is talking to a DOCTOR. GEORGE Meningitis? What the hell is meningitis? DOCTOR It's an inflammation of the spinal cord and part of the brain. GEORGE Jesus. DOCTOR She must be a tough cookie, cause it's a pretty advanced case. I'd say she's been walking around with it for a few weeks now. GEORGE How does someone get meningitis? DOCTOR Usually, in adults, it's from exposure to bacteria or a virus or ... GEORGE ... or lemme guess -- toxic waste? INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Matt and Katie sit on the cheap plastic chairs outside the room. Katie is holding Beth, who's sleeping. GEORGE (O.S.) They can stay at my place till you go home. INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Erin's in bed, hooked up to an IV, looking exhausted. All untouched food tray is beside her bed. George is standing across the room from her, arms crossed tight across his chest, keeping his distance. ERIN They said that'd be tomorrow. They just wanna keep an eye on me another night. GEORGE Fine. I'll drop 'em off tomorrow afternoon. A moment of thick silence. ERIN Thank you. GEORGE (giving nothing) Mm-hm. As she watches him reach for his motorcycle helmet, to leave, she's hit with a wave of regret. ERIN George, hang on. (he pauses) Look ... I'm sorry. I just -- There's a KNOCK at the door, and Ed enters. George looks at him. Not interested in her apologies. GEORGE I'll drop 'em by tomorrow. And Erin watches George leave the room, then turns to Ed. ERIN If you're here to fire me, your timing's lousy. ED I'm not gonna fire you. (beat) I wanted to. But then you got sick, and that woulda made me look like a shit. (serious) You embarrassed me, Erin. ERIN I know. I'm sorry. (beat) Do I get to hear what happened anyway? INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER Ed has taken off his coat and pulled a chair up next to Erin's bed. He's eating the pudding off her tray. ERIN Between 50 and 400 million, definitely? ED Uh-huh. ERIN And if you had to guess ... ED With nothing linking it to the corporate offices yet, I'd say we'll end up on the lower end of that. Still a lot of money. ERIN So why would PG&E offer it? ED Because. They know the evidence; they know they're gonna lose a jury trial. Maybe they wouldn't lose 400 million bucks, but once you factor in all they'd spend on this case in the next ten years, it makes a lot of -- ERIN Wait, what do you mean, ten years? ED Five years, maybe, for a trial. Double that for the appeal. ERIN (confused) I'm sorry, are you saying that if this thing goes to trial, it'll be ten years before these plaintiffs see their money? ED Hey, that's not so bad. Compare it to the Love Canal -- that was twenty years ago, and those people still haven't seen a dime. So in legal terms, ten years is -- ERIN Fuck legal terms. We're talking about human beings here. Sick people. A whole bunch of them are gonna be dead in ten years. They need their money now! (beat) We gotta get 'em to agree to the arbitration, Ed. We gotta get every damn one of those plaintiffs to -- ED I know. We're having a meeting, it's all set up -- ERIN When? Where? ED Tuesday at seven, at the Hinkley firehouse. ERIN Okay, good. I think I should be the one to tell 'em, cause they trust me more than -- ED You're not gonna be there. ERIN The fuck I'm not. I don't care what the doctor says -- ED This isn't doctor's orders. It's mine. I'm saying you can't come. ERIN Why not? ED Because Kurt doesn't want to work with you. He thinks you're a loose cannon. ERIN Fuck Kurt. ED Erin -- ERIN No, I'm serious. You know what Kurt Potter is? He's the kind of guy who never would have taken this case in the first place. He's the kind of guy who would have sold these plaintiffs down the river when PG&E offered 20 million. He doesn't work like us, Ed. There's no little voice in his head telling him to do the right thing. But his mind's made up. He stands to leave. ED Don't come, Erin. I mean it. If you do, I'm gonna have to fire you. (beat) Just ... concentrate on getting well. EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT The parking lot is empty, except for three Mercedes. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are in the doorway, going over their notes. A TRUCK pulls into the lot. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - NIGHT Katie and Matt are watching TV. Beth is playing near them. Behind them, Erin is lying on the couch, under a blanket, distractedly trying to watch TV. She checks her watch. EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT The lot is filling with more cars and trucks; headlights criss-cross each other as people pull in from all directions. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin's sitting up now, jiggling her knee, unable to sit still. She checks her watch again. 6:30. She can't take it. She throws off the blanket and gets up. ERIN Come on, kids, we're going for a ride. INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT CLOSE ON HANDS. As people stream in, they are each handed a release form with a space for a signature on the bottom. INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - LATER It's sweltering. The room, packed with plaintiffs, hums with horse flies and tension. People are fanning themselves with the release forms. Potter's addressing them from a raised platform. Ed, Theresa, and Andrew are seated behind him. POTTER Binding arbitration isn't all that different from a trial. It's overseen by a judge. Evidence is presented in much the same way. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT One more car pulls into the lot. It's Erin's Chevy. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin unbuckles her seat belt. ERIN Stay in the car, babies, I won't be long. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Erin gets out of the car, looks around, then goes over to a window and looks in at the packed meeting. PLAINTIFF (O.S.) And then a jury decides? POTTER (O.S.) No, sorry, I should have mentioned that. There's no jury in binding arbitration. No jury, and no appeal. She climbs up on an old wagon for a better view. BOB LINWOOD (O.S.) No appeal? So what are our options if we don't like the result? POTTER (O.S.) Well -- you have none. The judge's decision is final. But I really don't anticipate that as a problem. INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Now, in addition to the stifling heat, the large room is thick with mistrust. People are shifting in their seats, whispering to each other. TOM BROWN You don't even know what it's gonna be; how do you know we're gonna like it? Agreeing MURMURS ripple through the crowd. POTTER As I said before, it will definitely be somewhere between 50 and 400 million dollars. MANDY BROWN Which? There's a big difference there. POTTER I wouldn't want to speculate at this point. MANDY BROWN Ed -- what do you think it'll be? Potter turns around and looks at Ed seated behind him. ED I think ... Kurt's right. We shouldn't speculate. MANDY BROWN So then, what, that mystery number's divided up at the whim of some judge -- POTTER Judges don't make decisions based on whim, ma'am. They make them based on precedent and evidence. The GRUMBLE of discontent has overtaken the room. More whispering, more movement. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Erin watches the meeting fall apart. It's driving her crazy. ERIN Fucking idiot -- INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Potter sees he's losing them, too. Tries to gain control. POTTER Look. Everyone. Is this a big decision? Absolutely. But I do believe that if you put a little faith in the system, you'll be quite pleased with the outcome. Ted Daniels gets up from his seat. TED DANIELS Mr. Potter, if you knew me from Adam, you'd know that being pleased isn't an option for me anymore. Now don't take this personally, sir, but I've never seen you before in my life. I'm not about to put my faith in anything just cause you tell me to. He drops his agreement form, unsigned, then takes Rita's hand and heads for the door. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Meeting's over. The plaintiffs stream out of the firehouse. Cars start up, headlights flick on. People pull away. INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Everyone has left. Erin enters and looks around. The floor is littered with rejected, unsigned release forms. She thinks for a moment, then gets an idea. She picks up a release form, and leaves the firehouse. EXT. MINI MALL - NIGHT Everything's closed, except the KINKO'S store at the far end. Erin's truck pulls into the parking lot. INT. KINKO'S - NIGHT A BORED EMPLOYEE is at the register, painting with Wite-Out on a blue piece of paper. Erin enters, dragging her kids. ERIN Can I have one of those counter thingies, please? The Employee gives it to her. Erin crosses to the copiers. She slips the release form into one, then taps in the number of copies: 635. Presses "START." The machine WHIRS to life. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Erin's Chevy pulls into the parking lot. MATTHEW (O.S.) I don't want to stay here. It smells. INT. HINKLEY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Erin is entering the crappy motel room with her kids. ERIN We got no choice. I'm not gonna make it home tonight. Now go wash up and climb into bed. As the kids wander toward the bathroom, Erin picks up the phone and dials. RING, RING. GEORGE (O.S.) Hello? ERIN Hi. It's me. (silence) I got a favor to ask you. GEORGE (O.S.) I don't do favors for you anymore. ERIN It's not for me; it's for my kids. You're the only one I trust them with. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - DAY Very early. Erin is visible in the motel office, talking to the clerk, when George's motorcycle pulls into the lot. She turns around and sees him pulling up next to her Chevy. EXT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY Erin comes up to him, hands him a key. ERIN I got you your own room. He takes it, glances toward the motel room. GEORGE They up? ERIN Hunh-uh. Not yet. (awkward beat) Look, don't take any of 'em on your bike, okay? Call a cab if you wanna go somewhere. She hands him a wad of cash. GEORGE How long's this whole thing gonna take? ERIN I don't know. Few days. (beat) Thanks for helping me. I appreciate it. He nods. She gets into her car. Before closing the door, she turns back to him. ERIN And I miss you. GEORGE Yeah, well -- good help is hard to find. She sees how mad she's made him. Takes a beat. ERIN I treated you real bad, George. I know that. But, my problem was -- I never been with anyone who deserved better than that. You're the first nice guy who ever liked me. George softens, shifts. He steps toward the truck and gently closes her door, so he's standing close to her. ERIN I just ... didn't know how to handle it. That's all. He thinks about this. Finally: GEORGE Think you could learn? ERIN (with a smile) You know me. I pick things up real fast. He smiles back at her, nods, then tenderly brushes a piece of hair out of her eyes. GEORGE You shouldn't be driving around, you know. You're sick. ERIN Yeah, but I'm gonna get better. A lot of these folks aren't. He nods, understanding. Then he taps the side of her truck and turns toward the motel room. She puts the truck in gear and pulls out. EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - DAY Erin's Chevy is bombing down the road. INT. ERIN'S CAR, BACK SEAT - DAY There are two boxes there -- one full of unsigned release forms, the other empty. EXT. DONNA'S NEW HOUSE - DAY Donna's gardening out front, her head wrapped in a scarf to cover her chemo-thinning hair, when Erin's Chevy pulls into the driveway. Erin gets out, goes to the back of the truck, gets two of the release forms, then heads over to Donna. INT. DONNA'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Erin is sitting with Pete and Donna. DONNA I don't know, Erin -- the way he was talking to us, telling us everything was gonna be fine -- I just didn't trust him. PETE And after all we been through -- no jury, no appeal. It just makes me nervous. ERIN I understand all that. And I don't wanna force you into anything. If you don't want to sign, that's fine. But why don't we talk it over a little, cause I'd sure hate for you to turn this down for the wrong reasons. EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY The door opens. Erin emerges, holding two signed agreements. Donna is letting her out. ERIN You wouldn't happen to have a little time right now, would you, Donna? DONNA For what? ERIN Well, I was gonna head over to the Browns now. I was thinking -- Mandy really values your opinion ... INT. MANDY'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Erin, Donna, Mandy, and Tom are seated on the sofas. Mandy signs an agreement. Hands the pen to Tom, who also signs. EXT. LINWOODS' HOUSE - DAY From outside, we see Erin at the kitchen table with Donna and Bob and Ruth Linwood, who are listening intently. INT. DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY Erin and Donna are leaving, saying good-bye to Mary DeSoto. Erin has a signed release form in her hand. INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S CAR - DAY DISCO blares. The two boxes. The formerly empty one now has a small stack of signed release forms in it. The top one has Bob Linwood's signature. IN THE FRONT SEAT Erin is driving, eating a hamburger, and going over her list of plaintiffs. EXT. HINKLEY MART - EVENING People are going about their shopping. Rita Daniels is stopped, talking with A FEW MORE PLAINTIFFS. RITA I thought so, too, but Erin says a trial's gonna take years INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT The signed stack has grown; the unsigned stack has shrunk. Erin drops five more agreements into the "signed" box. INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT In the wee hours. While her kids sleep, Erin sits at the cheap motel room table, going through her forms, organizing, alphabetizing. INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON ERIN, fast asleep at the table, her face pressed against the linoleum. There's some NOISE in the room, WHISPERING. Erin stirs and looks around to see George behind her, diapering Beth, while Matt and Katie put their shoes on. ERIN What time is it? GEORGE Real early. We're just gonna take your car to get some breakfast. Erin forces herself awake. ERIN No, I need my car -- GEORGE We'll just be a minute. Get a little more sleep. He picks up Beth, takes Katie's hand, and calls across the room to Matthew. GEORGE C'mon, pal. Leave that alone, we gotta go. Erin turns to see Matthew holding one of her release forms. ERIN Oh, baby, please don't play with that, okay? I got 'em all organized. Just put it back. But he's reading it. And something has caught his attention. He looks up at Erin. MATTHEW This girl's the same age as me. Erin gently takes the form away from Matthew, wanting to shield him from the harsh realities of this case. ERIN That's right, sweetheart. She replaces the form on top of the stack. MATTHEW She's one of the sick people? ERIN Yeah. She is. (beat) But you know what? That's why I'm helping her. So she can get some medicine to make her feel better. Matthew mulls this over a bit more. MATTHEW How come her own mom isn't helping her? ERIN Cause her own mom's real sick, too. Matthew thinks real hard about this, then heads over to the door, where George, Beth, and Katie are waiting for him. Before he leaves, though, he turns back to Erin. MATTHEW Maybe we'll bring you back some breakfast. You want eggs? She looks at the group of them, feels their shift toward acceptance. Smiles, moved. ERIN Eggs'd be great, baby. Eggs'd be perfect. INT. ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY Erin's driving along a dusty Hinkley road, eating cold eggs out of a take-out container with her fingers. EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY Morning. A GROUP OF MEN are arriving at work. Erin's truck pulls up. She grabs some release forms from the truck and wanders up to the men. ERIN Hey, y'all. How you all doing today? INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY She tosses eight more agreements in the signed stack. EXT. HINKLEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY Morning drop-off time. Erin is handing out release forms zo a GROUP of MOTHERS who just dropped off their kids. EXT. HINKLEY MART - NIGHT Erin is leaning on the hood of her truck, going down her list of plaintiffs, checking off the ones who have already signed. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - DAY Another day. Erin has set up shop here and is at a table with about FIVE PLAINTIFFS, all reading agreements. MIKE AMBROSINO enters. Erin spots him. ERIN Mike! I been looking all over for you. Come here, I wanna talk to you. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT The signed stack is getting bigger. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY And bigger. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY And still bigger. EXT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT CLOSE ON ERIN'S TRUNK. A bunch more forms get thrown onto the signed stack, which is now much higher than the unsigned. ERIN (O.S.) I'm gonna head out to Barstow and talk to some folks out there tonight. WIDEN TO REVEAL Erin talking on a nearby pay phone. GEORGE (O.S.) Promise you'll turn around if you get tired. ERIN I will. Bye. She hangs up. As she turns to get into her car, she finds herself face-to-face with the Man in the Dark Glasses. ERIN Jesus! He's just standing there, a foot away, blocking her exit. She recognizes his truck as the one that chased her. ERIN Okay, what're you gonna do? You gonna kill me? Dump my body in a ditch somewhere? Or maybe you just wanna inject me with some poison too -- why change tactics at this stage of the game? (beat) Get outta my way, you make me sick. She pushes past him. But he grabs her by the arm. He's a big guy; it's a strong grab. Now she's scared. For a moment, he does nothing. Just looks at her. Then: DARK GLASSES If PG&E made someone destroy a whole lot of documents -- would that matter to you? Erin takes a beat, realizing she completely misread him. She gently pulls her arm away. ERIN Well ... I guess that depends on what the documents were. (she takes a beat) I'm sorry -- I didn't get your name. DARK GLASSES Embry. Charles Embry. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT Erin and Embry are the only patrons. Erin's eating a burger. Embry has a beer. He's talking quietly, not looking at her. EMBRY I was working in the compressor, and out of nowhere the supervisor calls me up to the office and says, we're gonna give you a shredder machine, and send you on down to the warehouse. We want you to get rid of all the documents stored out there. ERIN Did he say why? EMBRY Nope. And I didn't ask. ERIN Did you get a look at the stuff you destroyed? EMBRY Well, it's pretty boring work, shredding -- you gotta find some way to entertain your mind. So yeah, I took a look. ERIN And ...? EMBRY There was a lot of dull stuff -- vacation schedules, the like. (beat) But then there were a few memos about the holding ponds. The water in them. They had readings from test wells, stuff like that. Erin tries to hide her excitement at this information. ERIN And you were told to destroy those? EMBRY That's right. Destruction of evidence. Pretty big deal. Erin plays it down. Wipes her mouth with her napkin, takes a sip of beer. EMBRY Course as it turns out, I'm not a very good employee. ERIN What do you mean? EMBRY Well. There were a few documents that I somehow didn't get around to shredding. (beat) That I kept instead. Erin stops, mid-bite. INT. EMBRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT He's dug out an inch-high stack of documents. Erin looks them over, stunned. Embry is standing apart from her, hands shoved deep in his pockets. ERIN How come you didn't say anything when you found these things? EMBRY At the time, I thought, I got six kids, some of 'em want to go to college. I can't afford to lose my job. I told myself I was being honorable. (beat) But there's nothing honorable in what I did. (beat) Maybe that's why they picked me for the job. Maybe they knew what kind of man I was. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Rosalind is at the desk. Anna, Brenda, and Jane are helping themselves to coffee. Erin enters, with a big box in her arms and a whole lot of attitude. ERIN Hey, Ros, where are they? ROSALIND In the conference -- But Erin's spotted them and headed off before Rosalind can finish. Anna, Brenda and Jane notice the purpose in her gait. They watch her with interest. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The table is covered with boxes of documents: the anticipated slew of paper that PG&E is sending them. Ed, Kurt, Theresa, Andrew and ABOUT FIVE PARALEGALS are sifting through them. Erin breezes in like sunshine. ERIN Morning! ED Erin? What are you -- ERIN (ignoring Ed) You know what, Mr. Potter? I completely forgot your birthday this year. And seeing as how you've been so good to me, I think that is a terrible oversight. So what I been doing over the last few days is I've been putting together a present for you. She plunks the box down on the table. Potter opens the top of the box. Looks in. ERIN 635. They all signed. Every single one. IN THE DOORWAY, Anna, Brenda and Jane appear, wondering what's up. A huge smile of appreciation slowly spreads across Ed's face. ED Ho - ly - shit. ERIN Oh, now don't get all jealous, Ed. I got a little something for you, too. Erin hands Ed a manila envelope. He opens it. ERIN Internal PG&E documents, all about the contamination. The one I like best says, and I'm paraphrasing here, but it says yes, the water's poisonous, but it'd be better for all involved if this matter wasn't discussed with the neighbors. It's to the Hinkley station, from PG&E Headquarters. Stamped received, March, 1966. Potter and Theresa reel. Ed shakes his head in disbelief. POTTER Where did -- how did you do this? ERIN Well, what with me not having any brains or legal expertise, I just went on up there and performed sexual favors. 635 blow jobs in five days. Whew, am I ever tired. And she struts out of the room, leaving everyone slack-jawed. The CLIP CLIP CLIP of her heels carry her away. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Erin comes out of the office, flushed with success, and heads down the hall. She presses the elevator button. The doors open. As she steps on, Ed comes out of the office. ED Hey! Erin puts her hand in the door, keeping it from closing. He stares at her, in awe. ED I don't know what to say. ERIN Say you were wrong. ED I was wrong. ERIN Say you shortchanged me and you shortchanged yourself. ED I did. Both. ERIN Say you'd be the luckiest son of a bitch on Earth if I didn't up and quit over all this. ED The luckiest son of a bitch in the universe, Erin. The luckiest son of a bitch in history. He looks down the hall at her, standing so tall and proud in the elevator. He walks toward her, stops right outside the elevator. ED But I know you're not gonna quit on me. ERIN How do you know that? ED (with a smile) Cause you got a little voice in your head saying, do the right thing. Give him another chance. Of course she will. She releases her hand so he won't see her smiling. Ed watches the doors close. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PCH - DAY One of those days when the bay sparkles like a glitter ball. Erin's Chevy moves up the PCH. DISCO music emanates from it. INT. ERIN'S CHEVY - DAY Erin's at the wheel. Time has passed -- her hair's a little different. She's singing along with "Funky Town." EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY Erin gets out of her new truck, looks, sees the Irvings in a little cluster. Donna's under an umbrella. Pete is slathering on sunscreen. The two girls zip out toward the water. Erin waves. Pete and Donna spot her, wave back. EXT. BEACH - LATER Donna is standing at the edge of the water, watching her girls boogie board in. Erin comes up behind her. ERIN How you feeling today? Donna turns, sees her. Smiles. DONNA It's a good day. I feel good. ERIN Well, then -- if you're feeling up to it, maybe we should talk shop. Erin sits down on a rock. ERIN The judge came up with a number. DONNA A number for the whole group, or for us? ERIN Both. Donna sits down next to her. ERIN He's making them pay the maximum. Tears of vindication spring to Donna's eyes. DONNA Oh, my God. ERIN And he's making them give five million of it to you all. DONNA Five million dollars? ERIN Five million dollars. She reels. After a breathless beat: DONNA I don't even know how much money that is. ERIN It's enough -- for whatever you need, for whatever your girls need, for whatever your girls' girls need -- it'll be enough. Donna wipes the tears off her face, then watches the light flickering off her girls playing in the surf. DONNA I can put them in a good school. ERIN Any school you want. DONNA And get someone to help around the house. ERIN Yup. DONNA Oh my God. Oh my God. Donna is overwhelmed. Erin pulls her close. DONNA Oh, my God. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Now this is where the hot lawyers work. A gleaming testament to power. INT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE - DAY Boxes everywhere. They just moved in. Everyone is unpacking at his or her desk. Rosalind is manning the new phones. ROSALIND Masry & Vititoe, can I -- shoot! She lost them. Her reaction indicates this isn't the first time. The front doors open and Erin enters. ERIN Hey, Ros. Nice view, huh? ROSALIND Yeah, I'm gonna start sleeping here. (into phone) Masry & Vititoe, can I -- damn it. (calling out) Does anyone know anything about these phones? Erin heads on down a hall to: INT. ED'S NEW OFFICE - DAY A beautiful corner office. Ed is unpacking when Erin enters. ERIN Careful you don't spit from here; you could kill someone. ED You see your office? ERIN Yeah. Yours is nicer. ED Oh, okay. Here it comes. ERIN Here what comes? ED The extortion, the threats ... ERIN I wasn't gonna -- ED "I can always find someplace else to work. Someplace that'll pay me a fortune and give me a view of the French Riviera ..." ERIN Ed, I swear, I'm not -- ED Okay, fine. Fine You backed me into a corner again. You're holding me hostage ... He reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a check. Hands it to her. ERIN What is that? ED Take it. Erin does. Looks at it. Her eyes bug out. ERIN Two million dollars? ED The firm took in sixty. That's three percent. Seemed like a fair bonus to me. She stares at it, speechless. He goes back to unpacking ED Oh, now I suppose you're gonna say it's not enough. Well, tough, Erin. Too goddamn bad. Cause this is absolutely, positively where I draw the line. FADE OUT. THE END
EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES Written by Gus Van Sant Based on a novel by Tom Robbins SHOOTING DRAFT 1993 INT. CAVE NIGHT There is a huge ancient hourglass made of animal skins, and acorns plop through the waist of the hourglass one by one. It sits in a pool of water. In the water swim EYELESS CATFISH in geometric patterns. An underground stream feeds the pool of water and then flows into a huge underground crevasse that on occasion emits a LOW RUMBLE. INDIANS with torches surround the hourglass, which now we can see is in a cave. And as soon as the acorns have finished passing through the hourglass, a crew of Indians turn it on its opposite end. One of the Indians appears to be JAPANESE. ONE INDIAN stands at the wall of the cavern in front of a series of symbolic carvings and scratches, with stone in hand he makes a few hatchmarks, and keeps an eye on the CREVASSE. THE CREVASSE RUMBLES once more, loosening a few chunks of rock from the cave. The earth begins to shake. THE CHART KEEPER She is restless tonight. ANOTHER INDIAN She dreams of loving. STILL ANOTHER She has the blues. View of the chartkeeper's drawings. One is of a crane with a very long neck. Another is a primitive drawing of a naked girl, who has long flowing hair. She also has, pointed out from her sides, thumbs that are three times normal human proportions. A MUSICAL CHORUS sounds at the sight of this drawing of a girl with the thumbs. The chartkeeper puts the finishing touches on the drawing. And the song "Happy Birthday to You" strikes up on country and western guitar and polka-like accordion. title BIG THUMBS INT. RICHMOND VIRGINIA SUBURBAN HOME DAY We see CANDLES burning on a cake. It is somebody's birthday. And there are six candles on the cake. SISSY HANKSHAW is six years old. Her DADDY and a visiting UNCLE, finishing their rendition of Happy Birthday, are staring down at Sissy and looking at her young THUMBS, WHICH ARE UNUSUALLY LARGE and twitch with a mind of their own. She manages to blow out all six candles. UNCLE Well, you're lucky that you don't suck 'em. DADDY Sissy couldn't suck 'em, she'd need a mouth like a fish tank. Sissy is negotiating a fork full of birthday cake, dropping it because of her thumbs. UNCLE (agrees) The poor little tyke might have a hard time finding herself a hubby. But as far as getting along in the world, it's a real blessing that Sissy's a girl-child. Lord, I reckon this youngun would never make a mechanic. DADDY Nope, and not a brain surgeon, neither. UNCLE Course she'd do pretty good as a butcher. She could retire in two years on the overcharges alone. Laughing, the men walk to the kitchen to fill their glasses. Sissy is left to feel sorry for herself in front of her cake. UNCLE (O.S.) One thing, that youngun would make one hell of a hitchhiker... This startles Sissy. A new word that tinkles in her head with a supernatural echo. Sissy looks at her thumbs. UNCLE (O.S.) ...if she was a boy, I mean. INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE DAY Dr. Dreyfus looks over Sissy's thumbs. DR. DREYFUS She is, if I may speak frankly, somewhat of a medical oddity. Due to impaired dexterity, her life activities and career potentialities will be reduced. It could be worse. Bring her back to me if there ever is pain. Meanwhile, she will have to learn to live with them. MRS. HANKSHAW That she will. That she will. The Lord made them things big for a purpose. God don't never git tired of testing our kind. It's a punishment of some sort, for what I don't rightly know. (whimpering) Oh Doc, if a young man ever shows up here with, a young man with ugly fingers, you know, something similar, a similar case, Doc, would you please... DR. DREYFUS Remember the words of the painter Paul Gauguin, dear lady. "The ugly may be beautiful, the pretty never." I don't suppose that means very much to you. MRS. HANKSHAW It's a judgement. She's gotta bear the punishment. Sissy beams serenely like a Christ figure. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY DAY Sissy looks up "thumb" in the dictionary. It says: the short, thick first or most preaxial digit of the human hand, differing from the other fingers by having two phalanges and greater freedom of movement. Sissy mouthing the words: "Greater freedom of movement." EXT. ROAD DAY Sissy very timidly ventures a pass with her gigantic right thumb in the direction she is walking. She is passed by...... BUT NO! BRAKE LIGHTS! A Pontiac skids ever so slightly on the snowflakes. View of the Pontiac insignia on the hood of the car. Sissy runs, actually sweating, to its side. She peers in. OUTSIDE a palmist's trailer is a sign with a red silhouette of a hand. Directly under the wrist where the watch band would be is written MADAME ZOE. Madam Zoe in kimono and wig lets Sissy and her mother in the door. MADAME ZOE I am the enlightened Madame Zoe. Inside. Madame Zoe begins stubbing a cigarette in one of those enlightened little ceramic ashtrays that are shaped like bedpans and inscribed BUTTS. The trailer is cluttered, but not one knick-knack, chintz curtain or chenille-covered armchair seems to have come from the Beyond. MADAME ZOE There is nothing about your past, present or future that your hands do not know, and there is nothing about your hands that Madame Zoe does not know. There is no hocus-pocus involved. I am a scientist, not a magician. I, Madame Zoe, chiromancer, lifelong student of the moldings and markings of the human hand. I, Madame Zoe, to whom no facet of your character or destiny is not readily revealed. I am prepared to... Then she notices the thumbs. MADAME ZOE Jesus fucking Christ! Mrs. Hankshaw and the fortune-teller turn pale and uncertain, while Sissy recognizes with a faint smile that she is in command. Sissy extends the thumbs as an ailing aborigine might extend his swollen parts to a medical missionary. Sissy's mama draws a neatly folded five-dollar bill from her change purse and extends it alongside her smiling daughter's extremities. Madame Zoe returns to her senses, and takes Sissy by the elbow to sit at a For mica-topped table of undistinguished design. Madam Zoe holds Sissy's hands while she appears to go into a trance. She opens her eyes momentarily. MADAME ZOE You have a strong will. Will power and determination are indicated by the first phalanx. The second phalanx indicates reason and logic. You obviously have both in large supply. What's your name, dearie? SISSY Sissy. MADAME ZOE Hmmm. I'd say that you have an intelligent, kindly, somewhat artistic nature. However, Sissy, however, there is a heavy quality to the second phalanx- the phalanx of logic -- that indicates a capacity for foolish or clownish behavior, a refusal to accept responsibility or to take things seriously and bent to be disrespectful of those who do. Your mama tells me that you're pretty well behaved and shy, but I'd watch out for signs of irrationality. All right? She pulls her thumb to her breast. MADAME ZOE I guess the most important aspect of your thumbs is the, ahem, over all size. Uh, what was it, do you know, that caused...? Mom speaks out from the couch she is sitting on MRS HANKSHAW Don't know; the doctors don't know... SISSY Just lucky I guess. MADAME ZOE Do you study history in school? Galileo, Descartes, Newton? Lebinitz had very large thumbs; Voltaire's were enormous, but, heh heh, just pickles compared with yours. SISSY What about Crazy Horse? MADAME ZOE Crazy Horse? You mean the Indian? Nobody that I've ever heard of ever troubled to study the paws of savages. Well, I guess that about covers the three-fifty charge... Madame Zoe lets go of Sissy's thumbs and wipes her hands on her kimono. MRS. HANKSHAW Husband. Mrs. Hankshaw withdraws a bill from her rat-skin bag. MADAME ZOE Beg your pardon? MRS. HANKSHAW Husband. Will she find a husband? MADAME ZOE Oh, I see. Madame Zoe takes Sissy's hand and gives it the old tall-dark- stranger squint. MADAME ZOE I see men in your life, honey. I also see women, lots of women. She raises her eyes to meet Sissy's looking for an admission of the "tendency", but there is no signal. Mrs. Hankshaw does not approve. MADAME ZOE A husband, no doubt about it, though he is years away. There are children, too. Five, maybe six, but the husband is not the father. They will inherit your characteristics. Mrs. Hankshaw, aghast, has heard plenty, and she ushers her daughter out of the trailer as if she were leading her from a burning cocktail lounge. TITLE ACROSS THE SCREEN: COWGIRL INTERLUDE (Delores del Ruby) EXT. BADLANDS DAY Views of vast vistas of arid grasslands, open and unmodulated, thirsty and exposed. At the western edge of the DAKOTAS, the monotony of the landscape, now gradually tilting toward the Rockies, is interrupted by the Badlands -- sculptured canyons so deep and chaotic they can break a devil's heart. Between the grasslands and the eerie badlands ruins, there lies a narrow band of humpy hills, green and pastoral. The hills are carpeted with midlength prairie grass. The Rubber Rose buildings are clustered at the badlands end at the base of a butte, higher, broader and longer than any in its vicinity, known as Siwash Ridge. a sign over the entry of the ranch reads: Welcome to the Rubber Rose Ranch (the largest all-girl ranch in the west) Delores del Ruby arrives at the Rubber Rose Ranch, carrying a whip at her side and batting an educated lash at the surrounding sights. DELORES I've traveled through the Yucatan with a circus, popping false eyelashes off a trained monkey with a bullwhip. When I ate peyote one night and had a vision. Niwetükame, the Mother Goddess, came to me on the back of a doe, hummingbirds sipping the tears she was shedding, crying 'Delores, you must lead my daughters against their natural enemy. You must come to the Rubber Rose Ranch and prepare for your mission, the details of which will be revealed to you in a third vision....' That night I whipped the shit out of my black lover and ran away. For a while I drove around, making a living selling peyote buttons to hippies, until I made my way here... A snake crosses the road in front of her, and she takes her whip and whirls it around her head. The snake that is crawling across the dusty road that leads to the ranch is carrying a card under its forked tongue. Delores snaps her whip at the snake and picks the card out of his mouth and lets it fly in the air. Delores catches it..... The card is the Queen of Spades. EXT. ROAD DAY Sissy is thirty years old now wearing a trademark colored jumpsuit. She is saying these words still: "Greater freedom of movement." Sissy sticks out her thumb, even though there is no traffic. A plane is flying overhead. Sissy hitches it; and the plane's flight path curves with in response to her gesture. A squirrel running by stops to look. The bus on the other side of the road skids to a stop and two cars coming her way stop as well. INT. CAR DAY The man driving looks over the back seat to the hitchiker behind him. INT. BUS DAY The bus driver does the same. EXT. ROAD From the look of her Sissy is a very seasoned hitchhiker, and she turns around relatively unimpressed with the fact that a car has stopped for her. SISSY'S VIEW. The man driving is black-skinned, beret-topped and he has four smiling gold teeth and six shiny brass saxaphones in the back seat. He wears a gardenia in his lapel and tokes on a short joint. SISSY Going north? MAN You bet your raggedy white ass I am. Sissy gets in. He turns up the volume of his radio and rockets north. INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL DAY Sissy ventures into her pocket and pulls out a slice of cheese and offers it to him. He now gets a better look at her unusual thumbs. They are elegant, but large boned, and disproportionate. They are banana shaped boats that makes it a little awkward to hold onto the cheese. MAN (taking an alarming interest in her thumbs) Thanks. SISSY American Cheese. The king of road food. He eats the cheese, and worries about the thumbs. He tokes on the joint between his fingers. MAN Are you in show business? SISSY I was a successful model once. MAN For magazines? SISSY I was the Yoni Yum feminine-hygiene Dew girl from 1965 to 1970, but got laid off. MAN So now you're bummin' around? SISSY Yep. MAN Hitchhiking? SISSY I'm the best. MAN You're the best? SISSY When I was younger, I hitchhiked one hundred and twenty-seven hours without stopping, without food or sleep, crossed the continent twice in six days, cooled my thumbs in both oceans and caught rides after midnight on unlighted highways. MAN Whooee! SISSY As I developed, however, I grew more concerned with subtleties and nuances of style. Time in terms of M.P.H. no longer interested me. I began to hitchhike in something akin to geological time: slow, ancient, vast. When I am really moving, stopping car after car after car, moving so freely, so clearly, so delicately that even the sex maniacs and the cops can only blink and let me pass, then I embody the rhythms of the universe. I am in a state of grace. The man listening to her takes another toke on his joint. EXT. ROAD DAY A view down the road of the Lincoln Continental going swiftly in its direction. CREDIT INTERLUDE featuring the song "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" as sung by (an undetermined country or pop star like k.d. lang or Bob Dylan) in an old television Kine-scope piece of film like you might see on early 1950's television sets. Between Sissy watching this image on old motel televisions, there are also IMAGES of roads, cars, trucks, highways, thumbs, gas stations and deserts gliding by in a flow of natural hitchhiking beauty. EXT. POST OFFICE DAY Sissy gets out of a large eighteen wheel truck and walks into a United States Post Office. INT. POST OFFICE DAY Sissy at the window picking up some mail, and opening a lavender colored letter that reeks of perfume, she is surprised to read this: Sissy, Precious Being, How are you, my extraordinary one? I worry so. Next time you are near Manhattan, do ring me up. There is a man to whom I simply must introduce you. Thrill!! -The Countess Sissy looks at the envelope and return address. Elaborately embossed is the Countess' logo... INT. COUNTESS'S OFFICE DAY The elaborately embossed envelope is now being sealed.. The Countess gives it a licking... Beside him is a young watercolorist named Julian. THE COUNTESS I will send this out to Sissy, she should get it in a week, and you will be able to meet her. When I send a letter to Sissy, duplicates must be sent to U.S. Post Office Boxes in LaConner, Taos, Pine Ridge, Cherokee and that other place, for her to pick up... Why she's probably out there right now in Hibbing, Minnesota, or Deluth, Montana... hitching her way across the country. INT. TRUCKERS CAB NIGHT Sissy is talking to a trucker as they pass down the road. SISSY Right off, I don't remember how old I was when I found out I was part Indian. My mamma's family, a lot of them, had lived out West, in the Dakotas, and one of them had married a squaw. Siwash tribe. My pleasure in Indianhood and my passion for car travel might be incongruous if not mutually exclusive........ After all, the first car that ever stopped for me had been named in honor of the great chief of the Ottawa: Pontiac...... In the distance, Sissy spies her destination. NEW YORK CITY. SISSY NEW YORK CITY. It's still a helluva town.... EXT. OFFICE BUILDING DAY Sissy gets out of the truck and looks up at a large building. INT. COUNTESS'S OFFICE DAY THE COUNTESS Sit down dear, do sit down. Sissy Hankshaw takes a seat. The Countess lifts a dusty decanter. THE COUNTESS Take a load off those lovely tootsies. Yes, sit right down. Would you fancy some sherry? The decanter is empty, a stiff fly lies feet up on it's lip. THE COUNTESS Shit O goodness, I'm all out of sherry; how about some Red Ripple? He reaches into a midget refrigerator beside his desk and pulls out some pop wine. THE COUNTESS You know what Red Ripple is don't you? It's Kool-Aid with a hard on. Tee Hee. Sissy manages a polite smile. She looks at a heavily finger printed glass. THE COUNTESS (he toasts) To my own special Sissy. Cheers! And welcome. So my letter brought ya flying, eh? Where were you? Salt Lake City? La Conner? Well, I may have a little surprise for you. But first, tell me about yourself. It's been six months, hasn't it? In some circles that's half a year. How are you? SISSY Tired... THE COUNTESS That's the very first time in the eons that I've known you that I've ever heard you complain. And now you're tired, poor darling. SISSY A born freak can only go uphill. THE COUNTESS Freak, schmeek. Most of us are freaks in one way or another. Try being born a male Russian countess into a white middle class Baptist family in Mississippi and you'll see what I mean. SISSY I've always been proud of the way nature singled me out. It's the people who have been deformed by society I feel sorry for. I've been steady moving for eleven years and some months. Maybe I should rest up for a spell, I'm not as young as I used to be. THE COUNTESS Shit O goodness, you won't be thirty for another year, and you're more beautiful than ever. SISSY Does that mean you might have an assignment for me? The Countess taps his monocle with his cigarette holder. He looks on his wall, and on a poster advertising a feminine hygene product, Yoni Yum Dew Spray, stands Sissy Hankshaw, her thumbs neatly hidden, chopped off by the borders of the photograph. THE COUNTESS You were the Yoni Yum girl from, let's see, (peruses the ad layouts on the wall) from nineteen sixty-eight through nineteen seventy. You've always smelled so nice. Like a little sister. The irony has just killed me. You, the Dew Girl, one of the few girls who doesn't need Dew. I loath the stink of females! They are so sweet the way God made them, then they start fooling around with men and soon they're stinking. Like rotten mushrooms, like an excessively chlorinated swimming pool, like a tuna fish's retirement party. They all stink. From the Queen of England to Bonanza Jellybean, they stink. SISSY Bonanza Jellybean? THE COUNTESS What? Oh yes. Tee-hee. Jellybean. The Countess's jaw muscles calm down, his dentures ease into a samba... THE COUNTESS She's a young thing who works on my ranch. Real name is Sally Jones or something wooden like that. She's cute as a hot fudge taco, and, of course, it takes verve to change one's name so charmingly. But she stinks like a slut just the same. SISSY Your ranch? THE COUNTESS Oh my dear yes, I bought a little ranch out West, sort of a tribute to the women of America who have cooperated with me in eliminating their odor by using my vaginal products, Dew spray mist and Yoni Yum spray powder. A tax write-off, actually. He looks out his window as a squirrel crosses Park Avenue. THE COUNTESS Sissy, Sissy, blushing bride, you can desist from wearing paths in those forgotten highways. The Countess has arranged a job for you. And what a job... SISSY A job for me? THE COUNTESS I am once more about to make advertising history. And only you, the original Yoni Yum/Dew Girl, could possibly assist me. The Countess hands Sissy an article that she reads clenched in her fist. SISSY The Food and Drug Administration said Wednesday female deodorant sprays may cause such harmful reactions as blisters, burns and rashes. Although the FDA judges that the reported reactions are not sufficient to justify removal of these products from the market, they are sufficient to warrant the proposed mandatory label warnings. THE COUNTESS Shit O dear, that's enough to make me asthmatic. The nerve of those twits. What do they know about female odor? Don't interrupt. Here's my concept. My ranch out West? It's a beauty ranch. Oh, it's got a few head of cattle for atmosphere and tax purposes. But it's a beauty ranch, a place where unhappy women -- divorcees and widows, mainly -- can go to lose weight, remove wrinkles, change their hair styles and pretty themselves up for the next disappointment. My ranch is named the Rubber Rose, after the Rubber Rose douche bag, my own invention, and bless its little red bladder, the most popular douche bag in the world. So get this. It's on the migratory flight path of the whooping cranes. The last flock of wild whooping cranes left in existence. Well, these cranes stop off at my little pond -- Siwash Lake, it's called -- twice a year, autumn and spring, and spend a few days each time, resting up, eating, doing whatever whooping cranes do. I've never seen them, understand, but I hear they're magnificent. Very big specimens -- I mean, huge mothers -- and white as snow, to coin a phrase, except for black tips on their wings and tail feathers, and bright red heads. Now, whooping cranes, in case you didn't know it, are noted for their mating dance. It's just the wildest show in nature. It's probably the reason why birdwatching used to be so popular with old maids and deacons. Picture these rare, beautiful, gigantic birds in full dance -- leaping six feet off the mud, arching their backs, flapping their wings, strutting low to the ground. Dears, it's overwhelming. And picture the birds doing their sex dance on TV. Right there on the home screen, creation's most elaborate sex ritual -- yet clean and pure enough to suit the Pope. With lovely Sissy Hankshaw in the foreground. In a white gown, red hood attached, and big feathery sleeves trimmed in black. In a very subdued imitation of the female whooping crane, she dance/walks over to a large nest in which there sits a can of Yoni Yum. And a can of Dew. Off-camera, a string quartet is playing Debussy. A sensuous voice is reading a few poetic lines about courtship and love. Are you starting to get it? Doesn't it make the hair on your neck stand up and applaud? My very goodness gracious! Grandiose, lyrical, erotic and Girl Scout- oriented; you can't top it. I've hired a crew of experts from Walt Disney Studios, the best wildlife cinematographers around. You're my eternal favorite. Princess Grace herself couldn't be better, not even if she had your personality which she doesn't; Anyway, dear, I'm out of photography now and into water colors. Ah how circuitous conversation is! We're back at the beginning. The exact man I've wanted you to meet is my artist the watercolorist. Sissy dares a sip of Red Ripple. SISSY If you don't want me to pose for him, why do you want me to meet him? THE COUNTESS Purely personal. I believe you might enjoy one another. SISSY But Countess... THE COUNTESS Now, now. Don't get exasperated. I realize that you've always avoided all but the most rudimentary involvements with men, and I might add, you've been wise. Heterosexual relationships seem to lead only to marriage. For men, marriage is a matter of efficient logistics: The male gets his food, bed, laundry, TV, pussy, offspring and creature comforts all under one roof, where he doesn't have to dissipate his psychic energy thinking about them too much, then he is free to go out and fight the battles of life, which is what existence is all about. But for a woman marriage is surrender. The Countess refills his glass. The squirrel starts across Park Avenue again but doesn't make it. The uniformed chauffeur gets out of a limousine and holds the crushed animal up where it can be seen by an elderly woman passenger. THE COUNTESS But here you are, still a virgin -- you are virginal yet, aren't you? SISSY Why, yes, technically. Jack Kerouac and I came awfully close, but he was afraid of me, I think... THE COUNTESS Yes, well, what I'm getting at is that there comes a time when it is psychologically impossible for a woman to lose her virginity. She can't wait too long, you know. Now, there's no reason why you must lose yours. I mean, just ponder it a bit, that's all. SISSY (her brow spaghettied) What makes you think this watercolorist and I would develop a romantic relationship? THE COUNTESS I can't be certain that you would. But what have you got to lose? SISSY Well, okay. I'll try it. I don't see the point in it, but I'll try it. Just for you. It's kind of silly, actually, me going out with an artist in New York City. However... THE COUNTESS Good, good, good... you'll enjoy it, you'll see. Julian is a gentleman. Suddenly the Countess swivels in his desk chair and leans forward. Lowering his wine glass, he focuses directly, intensely into Sissy's blue eyes. His smile widens. THE COUNTESS By the way, Sissy... he's a full blooded Indian. A title: COWGIRL INTERLUDE INT. RUBBER ROSE OUTHOUSE DAY The Outhouse Radio is playing "The Starving Armenians Polka" and Bonanza Jellybean and Delores del Ruby are in the privy, caught in the rain. JELLY Well, I'm not scared of a little rain. DELORES Me neither. JELLY Might as well brave it. DELORES Right. I don't know about you but I'm sure not sweet enough to melt. Delores flicks her whip at a sweat bee that has taken refuge in the privy and hits the photograph of Dale Evans upon which it has lit. Jelly looks out the door of the outhouse across a cut green lawn to a bunkhouse where we can see a gathering of other cowgirls. There is a fly buzz and a distant polka yip. Way off horse lips flutter. Bonanza spies a picture of Sissy Hankshaw, an advertisement for Yoni Yum Dew Spray mist, on the privy wall. JELLY (musing) Someday...... if that Sissy Hankshaw ever shows up here, I'm gonna teach her how to hypnotize a chicken. Chickens are the easiest critters on Earth to hypnotize. If you can look a chicken in the eyes for tens seconds, it's yours forever. INT. BUNKHOUSE DAY A meeting is in progression in the bunkhouse that morning. Mary is addressing the group. MARY I want to complain that some of the cowgirls have been sleeping two to a bunk again, in violation of the agreement that "crimes against nature" are to be confined to the hayloft. DEBBIE I don't care who lay with whom or where or how, but the moaners, groaners and screamers ought to turn down their volume when others are trying to sleep or meditate. Some of the younger cowgirls blush. BIG RED I want to complain about the food around here! It's rotten to the core. A round of support from the other cowgirls in the form of cattle calls. INT. OUTHOUSE DAY Jelly and Delores are getting ready to run through the rain, when all of a sudden, Jelly spies a barefoot cowgirl -- it's Debbie -- run across the yard in her karate robe, jump on the Exercycle that is rusting in the weeds and begin pumping the pedals furiously in the yammering rain. DELORES My sacred crocodile! She's flipped. But in a minute, others follow Debbie, everyone of them, in fact; the entire bunkhouse load of them, some thirty young cowgirls, squealing, giggling, They slide and roll on the wet grass, push each other into the mud that is forming by the corral fence, chase one another in and out of the thick folds of rain draperies, stamp their cute feet in puddles and do bellyflops into the overflowing horse trough. The cowgirls frolic until, as suddenly as it has come, the rain goes away. Play ceases. They are panting like puppies as they lean against one another or pick clods of mud from one another's hair. ELAINE I move that the meeting be adjourned. DEBBIE At the end of the endless game, there is friendship. HEATHER What the heck did she mean by that! JELLY Just that in Heaven all business is conducted this way. INT. HOTEL LOBBY NIGHT In the lobby, the doors of an elevator open revealing Sissy inside wearing a buttoned up dress. Very formal looking for her. There is Julian standing in the lobby. He turns and walks toward Sissy. He is wearing a rather formal looking plaid sport coat with blue cummerbund. He extends his hand to meet her, and (perhaps at the sight of Sissy's thumbs) Julian has an asthma attack, doubling over in front of her. Sissy doesn't know whether to assist Julian or flee. From the other side of the lobby, two WELL-GROOMED COUPLES, white, mid-thirties and upper middle class come to the rescue. The younger of the men, RUPERT, takes charge. He breaks an inhaler of dinephrine under Julian's nose. RUPERT We'd better take you home. In the red of embarrassment, Julian looks more Indian than he had previously. Wheezing, he speaks: JULIAN I beg your pardon. I've been enthralled with your photographs for years. When the Countess hinted that you might like to meet me -- he never explained why -- I was ready to paint for him free of charge. And now I had to go and spoil it. EXT. STREET NIGHT Rupert is helping Julian to the street. Rupert is a salesman for a publishing house. His wife Carla, a homemaker, as they say. The other couple breaks down into Howard and Marie Barth, both copywriters for an ad agency. Howard hails a cab and Carla and Marie flutter around Sissy. MARIE This is dreadful. (lowering her voice confidentially) You know, asthma attacks are brought on by emotional stress. Poor Julian is so high strung. The excitement of meeting you -- my dear, you look so stunning! -- must have upset his chemical balance. Carla nods. Everyone is piling into the taxi. RUPERT Come on, Sissy, don't be afraid of us. SISSY I've never ridden in a cab. The whole idea of paying for a ride makes my thumbs hurt. Sissy is forced to suffer the indignity of riding in a vehicle she wasn't responsible for flagging with her own thumbs. CARLA It'll be all right, dear. It isn't as serious as it sounds. INT. CAB NIGHT Carla starts to pat Sissy's hand, then decides to leave the thumbs to themselves. The six of them are squeezed into the taxi. Sissy looks out the window of the taxi: SISSY'S VIEW as the taxi stops at a light, she can see a newsstand headline on the front page of the New York Daily News: THE CHINK SUMS IT UP, SAYS LIFE IS HARD IF YOU THINK IT'S HARD. EXT. JULIAN'S APARTMENT NIGHT THE TAXI stops in front of Julian's building. It discharges its passengers. INT. JULIAN'S APARTMENT NIGHT INSIDE Howard mixes Scotch and sodas, Rupert fills a syringe from a vial of aminophylline he has taken from its place behind a gelatin salad mold in the refrigerator. He gives Julian an injection. RUPERT There, that ought to beat them bronchial buggers into submission. He turns to Sissy. RUPERT I was a medic in the Army. I really should have become a doctor. Sometimes, though, I feel that pushing books is a whole lot like pushing medicine. Think of books as pills. I have pills that cure ignorance and pills that cure boredom. I have pills to elevate moods and pills to open people's eyes to the awful truth... CARLA Too bad you don't have a pill for bullshit. Carla smiles as if she were joking, but she'd said it tartly. Rupert glares and takes a big bite of Scotch. HOWARD (changing the subject) Where do you live, Miss Hankshaw? SISSY I'm staying with the Countess. HOWARD I know, but where do you reside when you aren't visiting New York? SISSY I don't. HOWARD You don't? SISSY Well, no, I don't reside anywhere in particular. I just keep moving. Everyone looks a bit astonished including the recumbent Julian. HOWARD A traveler, eh? SISSY You might say that, although I don't think of it as traveling. CARLA How do you think of it? SISSY As moving. CARLA Oh. MARIE How... unusual... HOWARD Mmmmm... Rupert bites into his Scotch again. Julian issues a watery wheeze. Then, silence. CARLA Rupert, before you get too engrossed in your research on Scotch as a cure for aging, don't you think you'd better phone Elaine's and cancel our dinner reservations? Sissy leaves her chair and wanders about the apartment. Which is full of books and shelves. RUPERT (O.S.) What would we do without you, Carla? Without our little efficiency expert, Carla, everything would just go to hell. Carla is thinking about running for mayor next year, aren't you, Carla? CARLA (O.S.) Up yours, Herr Doktor Book Salesman. Will the demands of your medical practice allow you to call Elaine's or shall I? MARIE (O.S.) Oh let me do it. Sissy is intrigued by an antique here and an object d'art there, but she knows she is in an alien environment. INT. JULIAN'S BEDROOM NIGHT Sissy enters a bedroom There is a covered birdcage. She sits upon the bed listening for a 'cheep' from the birds. And gradually she reclines. Then turning her head to the side against the bedspread: SISSY No Indian blankets... no Indian blankets... And she blacks out. And the sound drifts away in waves, so there is only the whistle of a distant wind through the mortar of the apartment building... ...Until one by one, we see button necks freed. Soon Sissy can feel it. Someone is undressing her. In a voice webby with sleep she lifts her head up, and sees Howard and Marie. SISSY Where are the others? HOWARD Oh, Rupert and Carla had a little hassle and went home. MARIE Julian fell asleep on the couch; we covered him up. HOWARD We thought that we should make you comfortable too. Sissy thinks this is nice, but wonders, however, why they are both in their underwear. SISSY Yes, thanks... Between the two of them, they have gotten Sissy out of her dress in no time. Sissy feels she should apologize for not having on a brassiere. Marie slips out of her own brassiere and moves her bare bosom close to Sissy's. MARIE Mine are fuller but yours are more perfectly shaped. HOWARD Highly debatable. I'll wager they're the exact same size. Howard cups his left hand about a Marie breast and his right about one of Sissy's. He weighs them in his palms, squeezes them the way an honest grocer squeezes excess water from a lettuce, and spreads his fingers to sample their circumference. HOWARD Hmm. Yours are larger, Marie, but Miss Hankshaw's -- Sissy's -- are more firm. You'd think they would have started to droop; I mean, from not wearing a bra. MARIE Howard! Watch your manners. You've made her blush. Here, Sissy, let me compare. Marie seizes Sissy's free breast, quickly, like a monkey picking a fruit, rolling it about in her hungry little finger, rubbing it against her chin and cheeks... ...and... ...it was like her earlier days as a hitchhiker.... nostalgic..... tropical plums. SISSY (in ecstasy) This place is finer than the place I live! Like a disc jockey from Paradise, Howard flips Marie over and plays her B side. Every now and then she reaches for Sissy to include her, but the laws of physics insist on being obeyed. Over and over Marie calls Sissy's name with half-closed eyes. The Barths are really going at it, Marie yowling like a cat. The POODLE in the kitchen begins to growl. SISSY So this is what it's like... so this is what it's really like. INT. LIVING ROOM NIGHT Sissy bounces out of the bed and patters through the living room and crawls under the cover with Julian. Julian stirs awake. JULIAN Oh, Sissy. I am sorry about all the fuss. Julian and Sissy embrace and go at it under the covers But suddenly: Julian stops after a brief climax. JULIAN (with downcast eyes) I apologize. Sissy cradles Julian and comforts him. JULIAN It is the measure of Western Civilization that it can encompass in harmony, balance off, as it were, such divergent masterworks as A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM and THE AMERICAN DREAM, as the dome of the Sistine Chapel and the ceiling of the Paris opera. Sissy sits up, her eyes moping about the apartment, looking but not seeing the macrame wallhangings, the volumes of Robert Frost. JULIAN What's the matter? After a while Sissy answers. SISSY I'm cold. JULIAN Here. I'll turn down the air conditioner. SISSY It's not the air conditioner that's making me cold. Nothing moves in here. Not even your birds. Sissy gets out of bed and begins to dress. JULIAN What are you doing? SISSY Getting dressed. I've got to go. JULIAN But I don't want you to leave. Please stay. We can go to dinner. I owe you a dinner. And tonight... we can... really make love. SISSY I have to go, Julian. JULIAN Why? Why do you have to go? SISSY (somewhat frantic) My thumbs hurt. I've made a mistake. I've been negligent. I haven't exercised. I have to hitchhike a little bit every day, no matter what. It's like a musician practicing his scales. When I don't practice, my timing gets off, my thumbs get stiff and sore. EXT. CITY DAWN Sissy trembles while she kisses her thumbs. SISSY I will hitch with you, out where tall birds wade in a lake named for my Siwash kin. Out where Smokey the Bear lay down his shovel to romp with more playful beasts. Out where starlight has no enemies and the badland wind no friends. Out where the boogie stops and the woogie begins. INT. TRUCK DAY And Sissy is now traveling in a truck passing Fourteenth Street on her way to the Geo. Washington Bridge. View of that Bridge as the truck crosses it to New Jersy. View of the wilds of New Jersey as Sissy travels to the West. INT. COUNTESS' OFFICE The Countess is on the phone. THE COUNTESS So she left town. Well, that shouldn't surprise you. Leaving town is what Sissy is all about. But tell me, how did she strike you? Julian is on the other end of the phone. JULIAN Extraordinary! THE COUNTESS She's obviously that. Jesus! Which would you rather have, a million dollars or one of Sissy's thumbs full of pennies? JULIAN Oh, you! I'm not talking about her hands. They're difficult to ignore, I confess, but I'm speaking of her whole being. Her whole being is extraordinary. The way she talks, for example. She's so articulate. THE COUNTESS It's high time you realized, honey babe, that a woman doesn't have to give the best years of her life to Radcliffe or Smith in order to speak the English language. JULIAN Countess. I'm really in a dither. She's turned my head. THE COUNTESS Ninety degrees to the left, I hope. How does she feel about you? JULIAN I think she's disappointed that I'm not more, ah, sort of atavistic. She's got some naive, sentimental notions about Indians. I'm sure she liked me, though; but.... then she left town. THE COUNTESS She always leaves town, you dummy. That doesn't mean anything. What about in bed? How does she like it in bed? Julian pauses for a very long moment. JULIAN How does she like what in bed? THE COUNTESS Like what? The Countess' teeth chatter in his mouth. THE COUNTESS What do you think? JULIAN Well.... er... THE COUNTESS Shit O dear, Julian. Do you mean to tell me you didn't get it on? JULIAN Oh, we didn't get it all the way on. THE COUNTESS Whose fault was that? JULIAN I suppose it was mine. Yes, it definitely was my fault. THE COUNTESS What do they do to you boys in those Ivy league schools, anyway? Strap you down and pump the Nature out of you? They can even press the last drop of Nature out of a Mohawk buck. Why, send a shaman or cannibal to Yale for four years and all he'd be fit for would be a desk in the military-industrial complex and a seat in the third row at a Neil Simon comedy. Jesus H.M.S. Christ! If Harvard or Princeton could get hold of the Chink for a couple of semesters they'd turn him into a candidate for the Bow Tie Wing of the Hall of Wimps. Oogie boogie. JULIAN If we Ivy Leaguers aren't earthy enough to suit you hillbillies, at least we don't go around indulging in racist terms such as 'Chink.' Next thing I know, you'll be calling me 'chief.' THE COUNTESS Chink's the guy's name, for Christ's sake. JULIAN What guy? THE COUNTESS Aw, he's some old fart holyman who lives in the hills out West. Gives my ranch the creeps and the willies, too. But though he be old and dirty, he's alive, I'll bet, clear down to his toes. They don't have his juice in a jar in New Haven. Well I suppose that I'll have to write Sissy out on the road. EXT. ROAD DAY Sissy makes little puffs of dust as she walks. From the direction of the ranch a VW Microbus is approaching. It is painted with mandalas, lamaistic dorjes and symbols representing "the clear light of the void." When the Microbus draws alongside Sissy it stops. Inside are two men and a woman. They are approximately twenty-four years old. WOMAN Are you a pilgrim? SISSY No, I'm more of an Indian The trio doesn't smile. DRIVER She means are you going to see the Chink? SISSY Oh, I may and I may not. But seeing him is not my main objective out here. DRIVER That's good. Because he won't see you. We came all the way from Minneapolis to see him and the crazy bastard tried to stone us to death OTHER MAN Yeah, but I no longer believe that guy's a master. He's just a dirty, uptight old mountain man. Why, he pulled out his pecker and shook it at Barbara. I'd stay away from there if I were you, lady. Sissy walks on leaving the people in the bus arguing about whether the Chink's rock-shower and pecker-wag actually had been intended as spiritual messages. EXT. ROAD DAY WALKING down the long dirt road, Sissy stops to take a breather and sits down on a log. Sissy thinking and looking into the clouds. Waves of grasses whisper her name: Ssssssssss, Sssssssssssss Sisssy. Meadowlarks squander their songs on her as she begins to squirm on the log. A Lincoln Continental drives up suddenly. Sissy barely has time to zip up. The Cadillac stops in front of Sissy. A teenaged girl in a Stetson is at the wheel. The rear door of the limousine opens and a refined matronly voice calls from the void. MISS ADRIAN By any chance are you Sissy Hankshaw? SISSY Yes I am. A chic middle-aged woman leans out of the car. MISS ADRIAN My goodness. Why didn't you telephone? Someone would have driven into Mottburg to pick you up. I'm Miss Adrian. From the ranch. The Countess wrote that I should expect you. Get in, won't you? You must be exhausted. Gloria, assist Miss Hankshaw with her luggage. Gloria nods at Sissy amicably but doesn't make a move to help her. Sissy swings her sack into the roomy vehicle. Before she gets in she flashes her thumb to hitch a ride. The instant that Sissy shuts the door the cowgirl chauffeur floors the Cadillac and it lurches away in a puff of dust. INT. CADDY DAY Sitting up after the bothersome lurch of the car. MISS ADRIAN Little twit. (turns to Sissy) You really ought to have phoned. We were just in Mottburg escorting some guests to the afternoon train. (sighs) More guests leaving ahead of schedule. Three checked out today. They decided to transfer to Elizabeth Arden's Maine Chance spa in Phoenix, Arizona. It costs two hundred and fifty dollars a week less at the Rubber Rose, so why are our guests leaving and going to Elizabeth Arden's? Miss Adrian pushes a button that sends a partition glass between her and the cowgirl driver. Gloria starts laughing silently on the other side of the glass. MISS ADRIAN I'll tell you why, it's that plague of cowgirls. They've gradually infiltrated every sector of our program. The one named Debbie considers herself an expert on exercising and diet. With Bonanza Jellybean's permission and against my explicit orders, she's been coercing the guests into trying something called kundalini yoga. Do you know what that is? It's trying to mentally force a serpent of fire to crawl up your spinal column. Miss Hankshaw, our guests can't comprehend kundalini yoga, let alone do it. Yesterday, she ordered a new cookbook by a Tibetan Negro, entitled Third Eye in the Kitchen: Himalayan Soul Food. God knows what that will be like. The little barbarians are destroying everything that I've built, mocking all that the company stands for. And there's a new one, one they call del Ruby. She has the good will of a scorpion. I've considered it prudent to avoid a confrontation that might further upset the guests. But now that the season is practically over -- we operate April through September -- and the Countess is finally coming... EXT. RUBBER ROSE DAY The limousine pulls up in the drive. MISS ADRIAN'S VOICE Our Ranch has all the latest in modern facilities... INT. BEAUTY RANCH DAY We see women having facials. MISS ADRIAN'S VOICE We have a facial wing, and next to that is the Hair Barn... INT. HAIR BARN DAY Sissy is being given a tour by Miss Adrian. A variety of hairdos are witnessed. MISS ADRIAN We have a team of fifteen hair experts from all over the world. INT. EXERCISE ROOM DAY MISS ADRIAN And fanny flab flies off in this room at the rate of six hundred and seventy-five pounds a day... that's a lot of salted ham, Sissy.... INT. MAIN LODGE DAY Sissy and Miss Adrian walk through the lodge lobby, guests and cowgirls are conducting a variety of activities: A BIRD EXPERT projects slides of whooping cranes on the wall and is giving a lecture about the habits of the birds. In the center of the room COWGIRL DEBBIE is leading a mixture of cowgirls and guests in a meditative chant as they reach high above their heads in a yoga exercise. Miss Adrian stops in front of the registration desk and Sissy catches glimpses of the chaotic lobby. MISS ADRIAN Our special guest Miss Sissy Hankshaw is with us. The receptionist hands Miss Adrian a key to Sissy's room. A COWGIRL makes a face at Sissy as she walks by carrying a tray of herbal teas. A representative of the film crew is being intimidated by a Cowgirl who is looking though his camera lenses and shaking them and listening to them like you would put a shell up to your ear to hear the ocean. COWGIRL Cool! We're going to make a movie!... Another cowgirl, BIG RED, is lifting a piece of furniture and passes it to her accomplice. BIG RED Get rid of the furniture.... it's too masculine... Get rid of all the furniture and use it for kindling!!! Break away from these pig-like chauvinist masculine influences.... Miss Adrian looks on helplessly.... she grabs Sissy and leads her out of the lobby. EXT. CORRAL DAY Miss Adrian and Sissy walk out the back door of the Ranch and out near a corral, to the sound of gunfire. MISS ADRIAN O merciful Jesus! They're murdering the guests! One of the FILM CREW MEMBERS is hanging out in the corral wearing a shiny jacket with DISNEY printed on the back. Miss Adrian grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him. MISS ADRIAN Where are the guests? MAN Take it easy, lady. They went on a short ride with the cowgirls. Rode over the hill yonder. You're Miss Adrian, aren't you? We need to talk to you about the filming. MISS ADRIAN Not now, you fool, not now. Those crazed bitches have led innocent women out and are slaughtering them at this moment. We'll all be killed. Oh! Ohhh! Another CAMERAMAN spits out a wad of chewing gum. CAMERAMAN There's a slaughter going on all right, but it's not the fat ladies that are getting it. Your hired hands are killing the cattle. MISS ADRIAN The cattle? They're killing the cows? All of them? CAMERAMAN (interrupted while putting a zoom lens on his camera) That's what they said, Miss Adrian. A devilish young cowgirl is sitting on a fence nearby. Miss Adrian addresses her. MISS ADRIAN How dare you slaughter the Countess's cattle! What is a ranch without cows? COWGIRL We're going to replace them with goats. Most of the cattle are diseased and in pain. We're just putting them out of their misery. According to Bon-an-za Jellybean, the Rubber Rose is in-di-cat-ive of the Countess's values. He has purchased a cheap weak strain of cow to begin with and with improper care.... MISS ADRIAN Oh heavens! I don't want to hear what Bonanza Jellybean has been telling you girls.... Come on Sissy. I'll show you to your quarters. AND THE SUN SETS OVER THE CANYON, THE HILLS AND SIWASH RIDGE NEARBY. THE CHINK, with his back to us looks down on the ranch from the ridge and watches Miss Adrian lead Sissy into a small guest cottage on the ranch. A DISTANT COYOTE HOWLS, AND A FEW SCATTERED GUNSHOTS ARE HEARD. INT. RANCH COTTAGE MORNING Sissy stirs in a nicely appointed guest cottage. A maid knocks on the door and serves Sissy breakfast in bed. MAID Excuse me, Miss. Do you care for your breakfast now? Sissy sits up and rubs her eyes. SISSY Yeah. I feel a bit hungry. The Maid puts the tray down, and the cloth that covers the food is lifted away to reveal a shocking display of grease and calories. A vase of prairie asters stands over a double-meat cheeseburger, a package of Hostess Twinkies, a cold can of Dr. Pepper and a Three Musketeers bar. Sissy is delighted. SISSY Road food. How did you know? MAID Well it is a change of our usual grapefruit and melba toast, I'm sure. Sissy notices a card. It reads: Compliments of Bonanza Jellybean SISSY Bonanza Jellybean.... MAID She will be up to see you directly. Sissy devours her meal. Out her window she can see women on exercycles, women doing jumping jacks and women in beauty parlors. A FIST pounds on Sissy's door. IN SAILS Jelly, a cowgirl so cute she makes Sissy blush just to look at her. She wears a tan Stetson with an aster pinned to it, a green satin shirt embroidered with rearing stallions snorting orange fire from their nostrils. Her breasts bounce like dinner rolls that have gotten loaded on helium and, between red tinged cheeks, where more baby fat is taking its time maturing, she has a little smile that can cause minerals and plastics to remember their ancient animate connections. Jelly grasps Sissy's elbow and sits on the side of the bed. JELLY Welcome, podner. By God, it's great to have you here. It's an honor. Sorry I took so long getting to you, but we've had a mess of hard work these past few days -- and a heap of planning to do. SISSY Er, you seem to know who I am, and maybe even what I am. Thanks for the breakfast. JELLY Oh, I know about Sissy Hankshaw, all right. I've done a little hitchhiking myself. Ah shucks, that's like telling Annie Oakley you're a sharpshooter because you once knocked a tomato can off a stump with a fieldstone. I'd heard tales about you from people I'd meet in jail cells and truckstops. I heard about your, uh, your, ah, your wonderful thumbs, and I heard how you were Jack Kerouac's girl friend... Sissy sets her tray on the bedside table. SISSY No, I'm afraid that part isn't true. Jack was in awe of me and tracked me down. We spent a night talking and hugging in a corn field, but he was hardly my lover. Besides, I always travel alone. JELLY Well, that doesn't matter; that part never interested me anyway. The beatnicks were before my time, and I never got anything outta the hippies but bad dope, clichés and the clap. But the example of your life helped me in my struggle to be a cowgirl. The guests are huffing and puffing in between the pauses in conversation, in the background through the window in Sissy's room. SISSY Tell me about it. JELLY About... SISSY About being a cowgirl. What's it all about? When you say the word you make it sound like it was painted in radium on the side of a pearl. JELLY Cowgirls exist as an image. A fairly common image. The idea of cowgirls especially for little girls prevails in our culture. Therefore, it seems to me, the existence of cowgirls should prevail. Otherwise, they're being fooled. In the Rodeo Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City there are just two cowgirls. Two. And both of 'em are trick-riders. Trick-riding is what cowgirls have almost always done in rodeos. Our society sure likes to see its unconventional women do tricks. That's what prostitutes call it, you know: 'tricking.' Jelly lays her hand atop the oval mound Sissy's thumb makes under the covers. SISSY You're political, then? JELLY No, ma'am. No way. There's girls on the Rubber Rose who are political, but I don't share their views. I got no cowgirl ideology to expound. "Politics is for people who have a passion for changing life but lack a passion for living it." There is a moment when the two girls feel something between each other. JELLY Did that last comment sound too profound to be coming outta my mouth? It's not original. It's something I picked up from the Chink. SISSY Really? The Chink, huh? I've gathered that you sometimes speak with him. What else have you learned from the Chink? JELLY Learned from the Chink? Oh my. Ha ha. That's hard to say. We mostly.... Uh, a lot of his talk is pretty goofy. Jelly pauses. JELLY Oh yeah, now that I think of it, the Chink taught me something about cowgirls. Did you realize that cowgirls have been around for many centuries? Long before America. In ancient India the care of the cattle was always left up to young women they called gopis. Being alone with the cows all the time, the gopis got awfully horny, just like we do here. Every gopi was in love with Krishna, a good-looking young god who played the flute like it was going out of style When the moon was full, this Krishna would play his flute by a river and call the gopis to him. Then he would multiply himself sixteen thousand times -- one for each gopi -- and make love to each one the way she most desired. There they were, sixteen thousand gopis balling Krishna on the river bank, and the energy of their merging was so great that it created a huge oneness, a total union of love, and it was God. Wow! Quite a picture, huh? Sissy's thumb twitches. Jelly swallows hard. They gaze into each other's eyes. A WHISTLE pierces the sunlight outside the window. JELLY That couldn't be Krishna, could it? A bit shrill for a flute. Just our rotten luck. Jelly walks to the window and exchanges hand signals with someone outside. JELLY Gotta run now. Delores says I'm needed. Somebody's here. Maybe it's the Countess. Jelly spins her six-shooter in her kewpie fingers. JELLY Sissy, cowgirl history is about to be made. I'm damn glad you're here to witness it. She holsters her gun and blows Sissy a kiss, then is gone out the door. Sissy hops out of bed and from the window she can see cowgirls gathering in a circle. Someone or something is in the center of the circle. Sissy zips herself into a red jumpsuit and hurries outside. EXT. CORRAL DAY What was in the center of the circle was a goat. Debbie was scratching the animal's ears. She was hugging it. KYM It's cute. Way cuter than a cow. DEBBIE Goats are always testing you. They're like Zen masters. They can tell instantly if you're faking your feelings. So they play games with you to keep you true. People should go to goats instead of psychiatrists. GLORIA It's so loving. Gloria cuts in on Debbie and gives the beast a hug. HEATHER Look at those playfully wise eyes. GLORIA Ooo! It licked me! JELLY More and more people are discovering that cow's milk isn't fit for human consumption. Billy West says if we can produce enough goat's milk on the ranch to make it worth his while, he'll run it into Fargo regularly. She pauses and looks around the group in the circle. DELORES I'm aware that Tad Lucas rode broncs until her ninth month, but I don't think pregnant cowgirls are going to be any asset on this ranch. I hope you itchy clits who are sneaking down to the lake every night are taking precautions. It's bad enough we've got cranes coming; we don't need storks. I feel that those film makers should be removed from the Rubber Rose as soon as possible. Men can cause nothing but trouble here. I also feel that our guest (she nods at Sissy) should be excused while we discuss this matter further. Hurt, Sissy leaves the group. EXT. RANCH DAY Views of Sissy in her Whooping crane outfit dancing to Debussy in front of the Disney film crew. The documentary being directed by an effusive Frenchman. View of the camera crew training their long telephoto lenses on Siwash Lake. They all seem to be wearing the same trademark satin baseball jackets with one logo or another on their backs. Another view of the lake, from above, from the Chink's point of view and our first view of THE CHINK. The Chink spies Sissy and Jelly coming over a ridge. We cannot hear them at first, but Sissy and Jelly are talking. JELLY ......Delores zonks out on peyote at least once a week, but so far her Third Vision hasn't happened. Niwetükame, the Mother Goddess has not gotten back in touch with her. Meanwhile she and Debbie are rivaling each other like a couple of crosstown high schools. Tension. Cowgirl tension! What a drag. SISSY What is Debbie's position? JELLY Debbie says that if women are to take charge again, they must do it in the feminine way; they mustn't resort to aggressive and violent masculine methods. She says it is up to women to show themselves better than men, to love men, set good examples for them and guide them tenderly toward the New Age. She's a real dreamer, that Debbie-dear. SISSY You don't agree with Debbie, then? JELLY I wouldn't say that. I expect she's right, ultimately. But I'm with Delores when it comes to fighting for what's mine. I can't understand why Delores is so uptight about the Chink; he could probably teach her a thing or two. Ee! That grass tickles, doesn't it? God knows I love women, but nothing can take the place of a man that fits. Still this is cowgirl territory and I'll stand with Delores and fight any bastards who might deny it. I guess I've always been a scrapper. Look. This scar. Only twelve years old and I was felled by a silver bullet. Jelly takes Sissy's hand, carefully avoiding the thumbs and helps her feel the depression in her belly. The depression is a dimple, like another navel. AFTER A HUNGRY STILLNESS, like intermission at a wolf dance, rhythms are established. Jelly and Sissy are socked into one another now, and they arch and push and corkscrew and jackknife softly but with pronounced cadence. Everything becomes scrambled. They rock each other in cradles of sweat and saliva, until we can see nothing. Noisy breaths buck out of Sissy: "Jelly, Jelly" but she can't hear Sissy because she is screaming. Hysterical from the scalding hot softness of girl-love. EXT. HILLTOP DAY The Chink looks on from the hilltop above indifferently. EXT. FIELD DAY Sissy and Jelly are riding on the back of a horse. A WHOOPING CRANE is spied by Sissy as she rides on the back of Jellybean's horse back to the ranch. Delores and Big Red hurry to meet them. DELORES He's here. Sure enough across the yard, in the midst of the low-cal barbecue in progress, monocle reflecting sunlight, cigarette holder stabbing the air, stands the Countess. DELORES Look at him. Perverse as a pink pickle. BIG RED Sick as a vice squad. DELORES He's in a snit. He wants to see you right after the barbecue. Jellybean chuckles sardonically and dismounts. JELLY Get the girls. He's gonna see me right now. Sissy, confused, and loyalties torn in the face of an impending revolution, leaves the corral and SLIPS INSIDE THROUGH THE KITCHEN. DOWN THE HALL ENTERING HER ROOM, SHE LOCKS HERSELF IN. As she locks the latch she hears Jelly's voice. INT RANCH OFFICE DAY Jelly has taken over the ranch loudspeaker system and is giving an ultimatum. JELLY Any of you ladies who would like to join us, you're welcome to stay on as a full working podner at the Rubber Rose. Rest of you get packed -- and I mean now. You've got fifteen minutes to move your lard asses off this ranch. INSIDE THE EXERCISE ROOM Women are reacting to the demands. INSIDE THE GREENHOUSE Some women are taking up trowels and brooms as weapons. INSIDE THE KITCHEN The help is joining the revolt. INSIDE THE HALLWAY Other women are running for their lives. INSIDE SISSY'S ROOM She hears the screen door screech open and a chaos of footsteps in the hall. She goes to her window. And she can see, partially cut off by the corner of the building, Miss Adrian screaming. MISS ADRIAN You will all be rounded up and sent to prison if you take this any farther! This is not your ranch!!!! EXT. THE FRONT YARD OF THE RUBBER ROSE The Countess seems to be taking it slowly, and calmly smoking a French cigarette. He observes the fighting among them with amusement. THE COUNTESS You pathetic little cutesy-poos. Do you actually suppose this exhibition of childlike melodrama is advancing the cause of freedom? JELLY You owe us this here ranch, as a token payment for your disgusting exploitations THE COUNTESS (tranquilly) Then take it. JELLY Go for it, girls! The hands, who carry axes, picks, pitchforks and shovels, retreat. The Countess, still grinning, reaches for an hors d'oeuvre and subjects his cigarette to a measured, self- assured puff. MISS ADRIAN (shaking her fist) Go to your bunkhouse and remain there! INT. ROOMS The guests are hurriedly packing their things. INT. SISSY'S ROOM She looks on. EXT. FRONT YARD When the revolutionaries have retreated about thirty yards, they stop. With astonishing rapidity, they unbuckle unbutton and unzip and step out of their jeans and underpants. Then, nude from the waist down, thatched pubises thrust forward, up front and leading the way, they begin to advance. The Countess's grin goes down his throat like bathwater down a drain. GLORIA Better reach for your spray cans! JELLY Not one of these pussies has been washed in a week! Rather pale, his nose twitching, the Countess drops the caviar canapé he has been holding. ON COME THE COWGIRLS, pelvises pumping, laying down what the trembling Countess believes to be a devastating barrage of musk. Miss Adrian, lost in her own hysteria, charges. A barbeque fork she hurls draws blood from Heather's eyebrow. Quick as a frog's tongue, Delores's whip cracks. It's lash curls around the ranch manager's ankles, pulling her feet from under her. She hits the sod in a jangle of jewelry and expulsion of breath. A Molotov cocktail thrown by Big Red says hello to the sexual reconditioning building. Within seconds, the structure is blazing. INT. MAIN HOUSE THE BARE-ASSED COWGIRLS storm into the beauty parlor and exercise rooms. SOUNDS OF breaking glass and wood splintering. The air is singing with cries of "Wahoo," Yippee," "Let 'er buck" and "The vagina is a self-cleaning organ." INT. KITCHEN SISSY flees the house as she hunkers down out the back door. EXT. CROQUET COURT Sissy running across it. She passes the pool, and falls in. Climbing out, wet, scared, she runs to the base of Siwash Ridge and southward along the mountain's foot. EVENTUALLY Sissy comes to a place where the juniper bushes are broken to reveal a crude path beginning a steep ascent. Sissy decides to climb up it. She shoulders her way through low, slivery boughs. Approximately halfway up the ridge she rests on a flat rock from which she can look down on the... BURNING RUBBER ROSE smoking away, distant yahoos and carryings on can be heard. Horses whinney in the corral. A few gunshots are thrown into the soundtrack if things aren't lively enough. MISS ADRIAN'S CADILLAC, ON FIRE, roars out of the drive. Sissy looks up to the quiet mountain. Pauses. Then she looks back to the chaos below. THE CINEMATOGRAPHERS' RENTED CONVERTIBLE AND THEIR EQUIPMENT VAN drive away. Sissy sits and wonders. The sun is setting on the horizon, mixing well with the firelight that the Rubber Rose is giving off. BUT SHE is aware of something watching her. Looking about she sees nothing. VIEW of an empty trail. VIEW OF a quivering bush. Sissy turns to the sound of the CHINK. CHINK Ha ha ho ho hee hee. AND THERE HE IS. Standing only ten yards away. The Chink's problem is that he looks like he rolled out of a Zen scroll, as if he says "presto" a lot, knows the meaning of lightning and the origin of dreams. He LOOKS as if he drinks dew and fucks snakes. Sissy and the Chink scrutinize one another with mutual fascination. CHINK Ha ha ho ho and hee hee. Sissy is just about to speak, but before she does THE CHINK whirls, and scampers up the mountainside. SISSY Wait! Warily he stops and turns, poised to flee again. Sissy smiles. SHE RAISES her ripe right thumb. And jerking it and swooshing it, she hitchhikes the Chink and his mountain. THERE HE STANDS where Sissy's thumbs have stopped him. The Chink wears the wary look of a wild animal. He's not going to stay stopped long. It is Sissy's move. SISSY Well, aren't you going to shake your whanger at me? The Chink pauses for a moment, then he slaps his thighs and giggles hysterically. Ha has, ho hos and hee hees squirt out of his nose and through the gaps in his teeth. CHINK (laughter dies a nervous chipmunk death) Follow me. I'll fix you supper. THE TWO doggedly walk up the steep trail. SISSY I'm a friend of Bonanza Jellybean's. CHINK I know who you are. SISSY Oh? Well, there's been some trouble on the ranch. I came up here to get out of the way. It's so dark now I doubt if I could find my way back down. If you could help... CHINK (voice that wears no pants) Save your breath for the climb. SISSY takes another look at the Rubber Rose, which is now quiet. We can hear faintly a distant popping of washcloths and girlish laughter. THEY make their way into a depression at the top of the mountain down a ladder of sticks. THE CHINK lights a large fire in the middle of the depression. HE puts a kettle of stew over the fire, and begins to roast yams. THE CHINK'S FACE as the fire dances off it. A CAN OF CHUNG KING water chestnuts is opened. CUT TO: Sissy and the Chink eating supper on a rough wooden bench. AND AS THEY FINISH, the Chink goes into a cave and returns with a tiny peppermint-stripped plastic transistor radio. He switches it on and the silence is broken by "The Happy Hour Polka." Still clutching the radio in one hand, the Chink hops into the wheel of firelight and begins to dance. Sissy walks around the fire watching the old geezer heel and toe, skip and hop. He flings his bones; he flings his beard. CHINK Yip! Yip! Ha ha ho ho and hee hee. Arms swimming, feet firecrackering, he dances and dances. When the song ends, the Chink puts the radio down as the news comes on. CHINK Personally, I prefer Stevie Wonder, but what the hell. Those cowgirls are always bitching because the only radio station in the area plays nothing but polkas, but I say you can dance to anything if you really feel like dancing. The Chink dances a little to the news, and then lifts Sissy by her shoulders and guides her onto his pock-marked dance floor. SISSY But I don't know how to polka. CHINK Neither do I... ha ha ho ho hee hee. The radio strikes up the "Lawrence Welk is a Hero of the Republic Polka," and the Chink and Sissy dance arm in arm, their shadows reel against the curves of the depression in the mountain. Night birds fly past with fluttering feathers. A bat flies out of the cave. The Chink escorts Sissy to a dark side of the depression and sits her down upon a pile of soft stuff: dried wheatgrass, faded Indian blankets and old down pillows without cases. SISSY (thinking) So this is how Jelly spends her visits to the Chink. A twanging noise sounds from the bowels of the nearby cave. SISSY What was that? CHINK Clockworks. SISSY Clockworks? The Chink pauses to decide whether he should talk any further, then proceeds. CHINK The Clockworks is one reason that I am here on Siwash Ridge. I accepted the invitation to be initiated as a shaman by an aged Siwash chief who was the principle outside confederate of the Clock People. SISSY Siwash, huh? CHINK He was a degenerated warlock who could turn urine into beer, and the honor that he extended me gave me rights of occupancy in this sacred cave on this far-away Siwash Ridge. I came to the Dakota hills to construct a clockworks of my own. Sissy cradles her head in her arms, but is startled by a louder noise from the clockworks. The Chink is startled too. Bonk! sounds the cave, and then it chimes poing! The Chink smiles at the noise coming from his clockworks. CHINK But unlike the clockworks of the Clock People, my ticks more accurately echo the ticks of the universe.... (he listens) ......ha ha ho ho and hee hee. SISSY The Clock People? INT. CAVE NIGHT The Chink leads Sissy into the cave where we see his clockworks. It is made of garbage can lids and old saucepans and lard tins and car fenders all wired together with baling wire. A bat flies into it making a bong noise and the contraption moves a little. CHINK During the Second World War I busted out of Tule Lake detention camp; as a Japanese-American, I had been put there and watched over. I found refuge with the Clock People, who discovered me in a snow bank, near dead, I had been climbing across the Sierra Nevada mountains. SISSY Then if you are Japanese, then why are you called the Chink? CHINK The Clock People mistook me for Chinese. And the name stuck. In the same way that all Indian tribes came to be labeled "Indians" through the ignorance of an Italian sailor with a taste for oranges, it is only fitting that "Indians" misnamed me. The Clock People, however, are not a tribe, rather they are a gathering of Indians from various tribes. They have lived together since 1906. INT. THE GREAT BURROW A gathering of the Clock People. A woman is giving birth near the Giant timekeeping hourglass. CHINK The pivotal function of the Clock People is the keeping and observing of the clockworks. It is a real thing, and is kept at the center, at the soul, of the Great Burrow. Insofar as it is possible, all Clock People deaths and births occur in the presence of the clockworks. Aside from birthing or dying, the reason for the daily visits to the clockworks is to check the time. INT. SIWASH CAVE NIGHT Sissy listens to the Chink as they walk around the Chink's clockworks. CHINK These people have no other ritual than this one. Likewise, they have but one legend or cultural myth: that of a continuum they call the Eternity of Joy. It is into the Eternity of Joy that they believe all men will pass once the clockworks is destroyed. The destruction must come from the outside, must come by natural means, must come at the will of this gesticulating planet whose more acute stirrings thoughtless people call "earthquakes." The Chink holds Sissy's thumbs in his hands adoringly. CHINK The Earth is alive. She burns inside with the heat of cosmic longing. She longs to be with her husband again. She moans. She turns softly in her sleep. In the Eternity of Joy, pluralized, deurbanized man, at ease with his gentle technologies, will smile and sigh when the Earth begins to shake. I loved those loony redskins, but I couldn't be a party to their utopian dreaming. After a while it occurred to me that the Clock People waiting for the Eternity of Joy was virtually identical to the Christians waiting for the Second Coming. Or the Communists waiting for the worldwide revolution. Or the Debbies waiting for the flying saucers. All the same. Just more suckers betting their share of the present on the future, banking every misery on a happy ending to history. Well, history is ending every second - happily for some of us, unhappily for others, happily one second, unhappily the next. History is always ending and always not ending... ha ha ho ho and hee hee. Sissy interrupts the Chink for a second while he is worshipping her thumbs. SISSY What do you believe in then? CHINK Ha ha ho ho and hee hee. Then he says nothing. And his silence makes Sissy weep. They sit down on a grass floor, illuminated by the fire outside the cave. Then the Chink, without hesitation, grasps her thumbs. He squeezes them, caresses them, covers them with wet kisses, telling them how beautiful they are. Sissy is bowled over, frightened, stunned, elated, moved almost to tears. Sissy bends her head back and whispers. SISSY If this be adultery, make the most of it. And as the Chink plunges into Sissy, she arches her spread bottom against the blankets and rears up to meet him halfway. Their bodies glowing in the firelight, they cast shadows of ANCIENT BEINGS, anthropomorphs making love through the night under the moon. INT. CAVE DAY SUNBEAMS awaken Sissy. When she looks around she sees an inscription has been freshly scrawled on the right wall. I BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING; NOTHING IS SACRED. And on the left wall: I BELIEVE IN NOTHING; EVERYTHING IS SACRED. Sissy hears and then sees A HELICOPTER in the sky above the ranch. Sissy gets up and walks out of the cave. EXT. TRAIL MORN Sissy walks. EXT. RUBBER ROSE Sissy hitches a ride out of town. EXT. FRONT DOORSTEPS MORNING Countless NEWSPAPERS on countless porches, and the headline of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reads: OUR WHOOPING CRANES ARE MISSING. INT. THE COUNTESS' OFFICE DAY The countess is in a snit. THE COUNTESS Sissy, don't play dumb with me! You're a good model but a shitty actress. The cowgirls are involved in this whooping crane disappearance. You know perfectly well they are. Last seen in Nebraska. Didn't make it to Canada. Siwash Lake is between Nebraska and Canada. The cowgirls have possession of Siwash Lake. And who else but Jellybean's wild cunts could possibly conceive of doing something so diabolical as to tamper with the last flock of some nearly extinct birds? How much do you know about it? Have they murdered those cranes the way they murdered my moo cows? SISSY I don't know anything about it. THE COUNTESS Sissy. You're trying to protect those scuzzy bitches. Well, let your conscience be your guide, as my mommy used to say, but it won't work. Those stinking sluts are going to suffer... Sissy strikes the Countess with her right thumb -- with astonishing force. Immediately the thumb strikes again, this time shattering the Countess's monocle against his eye. THE COUNTESS (gasping) Shit O dear. HIS DENTURES fall onto the shag rug. The left thumb strikes. Sissy is swinging her thumbs like ballbats socking flaming homers over the left-field fence. The countess is out on his feet. His eyes are closed. His legs wobble. He does a pathetic dance, like a drunken old fool trying to boogie with a chorus girl. He topples forward and meets Sissy's onrushing thumb of thunder which straightens him up, sends him over backward. Motionless, he lies on the floor, a crimson part in his thinning hair, a bright ooze at each nostril. INT. HOSPITAL DAY Seated on a spotless wooden bench is Sissy, staring at a clock. A surgeon emerges. SURGEON Well, he's not out of danger, but I think we can safely say he's going to make it. I'd be pretty surprised if he didn't. However, there is evidence of injury to the frontal lobe, and I have reason to fear that this injury may be permanent. The patient may never again function as a normal human being. SISSY Brain damage? You mean he's going to be a vegetable? SURGEON Vegetable? Vegetable? I wouldn't say that, no. We won't ascertain the extent of the injury for some days. But there is a genuine possibility of severe and lasting behavioral defects. I wouldn't classify it in the vegetable category, however. EXT. STREET DAY SISSY IS HITCHING OUT OF TOWN. A conservative blue Econoline van out of the throngs of traffic draws itself to Sissy as if on a string. SISSY HOPS IN. INT. VAN DAY The DRIVER stomps on the gas. With a sense of disgust at her own failure Sissy scrutinizes his sweaty brow, his smug hot leer, his starving eyes. Her heart sinks when she sees his gun and his knife. He is also unzipping his pants. DRIVER I'm going to give it to you like you've never had it before. Oh, you didn't know it could be this good. You're gonna like it. You're gonna like it. You're gonna like it so good. You're gonna love it so much you're gonna cry. You're gonna cry. You're gonna cry and cry. Do you like to cry? Do you like it when it hurts a little bit? Whatever happens to you, it'll be worth it. The way I'm gonna give it to you, it'll be worth anything. Everything. Go ahead and cry if you want to. I like it when women cry. It means they appreciate me. EXT. STREET DAY The van pulls over down a dead end alley between warehouses. INT. VAN DAY Sissy looks into the back at a soiled mattress. The driver is taking his dick out of his pants. But with a swift swoosh, Sissy's left thumb comes down hard on the penis top, making the driver howl. His finger fumbles for the gun trigger, but before he gets to it, Sissy's thumb splats between his eyes. Twice. Three times. He loses control of the van. EXT. VAN DAY It lumbers into a street lamp. Sissy leaps from the vehicle and runs. INT. WORKING MAN'S LUNCHEONETTE DAY Sissy goes in and begins to cry at the counter as she looks at her thumbs. EXT. NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE DAY Into a sunset hitches Sissy. EXT. ROAD NIGHT SISSY hops into a semi. AND ROAD SIGNS: TRENTON N.J. BALTIMORE MD WASHINGTON D.C. Then RICHMOND, VA EXT. DR. DREYFUS'S HOUSE DAY An older Dr. Dreyfus answers the door. Without Sissy's asking he speaks. DR. DREYFUS I'm afraid I can't help you. SISSY But Doctor. DREYFUS Please, child, don't be dismayed. We all have problems these days. But as the painter Van Gogh said, 'Mysteries remain, sorrow or melancholy remains, but the everlasting negative is balanced by the positive work which thus is achieved, after all.' I don't suppose that means very much to you. I have retired. A victim of a malpractice suit. SISSY (embracing him) Oh, Doctor! You've got to do it. You and nobody else should be allowed to take away my gift. In her embrace, the Doctor is presented with her thumbs. DR. DREYFUS Ah, the thumb. LATER sitting inside his study, Dreyfus muses. DR. DREYFUS The thumb the thumb the thumb the thumb the thumb the thumb. One of evolution's most ingenious inventions; a built-in tool sensitive to texture, contour and temperature: an alchemical lever; the secret key to technology; the link between the mind and art; a humanizing device. The marmoset and the lemur are thumbless; none of the New World monkeys has opposable thumbs; the spider monkey's thumbs are absent or reduced to a tiny tubercle; the thumbs of the potto are set at an angle of one hundred eighty degrees to the other digits. Pause. DR. DREYFUS And so you are demanding at last the privileges of thumb that nature has perversely denied you? SISSY I just want to be normal, give me that old-fashioned normality. It was good enough for Crazy Horse and it's good enough for me. DR. DREYFUS Ah, yes. Very well, my dear. Here is what we can do. VIEWS OF Sissy admitted to a hospital Blood analyzed in a laboratory. Powerful lamps turn on in an operating room. IV tubes are inserted in veins. Sissy is wheeled into surgery. An anesthesiologist sticks a needle into a curved and creamy ass. An anesthesiologist sticks needles into a long, graceful neck. A nurse scrubs an arm. A body and table are draped with sheets to create a sterile field. A tourniquet is placed on a slender right arm. An elastic rubber bandage is applied so tightly it squeezes most of the blood out of an arm. A tourniquet is inflated. A surgeon outlines in iodine an incision around the base of a thumb. Pale smooth skin is incised along a premarked line and dissected down to the bone. Woman flesh is sewn shut with four-ought nylon suture. A tourniquet is deflated, a bloody arm bathed. A young woman is rolled into a recovery room. A nurse and two surgeons, their attention directed by an intensifying pinkish glow, turn to stare into a metal pan, where a huge human thumb, disarticulated from the hand it has been severed from, is now flopping about like a trout, or rather, arching and thrusting itself in a calculated and endlessly repeated gesture, the gesture of the hitchhike. EXT. SKY DAY Two representatives of the Fish and Wildlife Service are flying over Siwash Lake in a U.S. Forestry Service Helicopter. THEY CAN SEE the whooping cranes by the side of the lake. And as they are recording this, shots from a band of young women on horseback drive them away. EXT. RUBBER ROSE RANCH DAY the same two agents are driving in a truck approaching the Rubber Rose Ranch. Two bullet ricochets spin off the hood and roof of their truck and they stop to see a lone teenaged cowgirl with a rifle. EXT. RUBBER ROSE GATES DAY An entourage of Forest Service Rangers, a county sheriff, four deputy shriffs, a state game warden and Mottburg's town marshall and several of his deputies, the editor of the Mottburg Gazette and a couple of bird watchers or two are met by... AT LEAST FIFTEEN ARMED FEMALES at the gate of the Ranch. Through a bullhorn, Jelly speaks out at the entourage of law enforcement officers. JELLY Yep, the whooping cranes are here all right. They're in fine shape, and as you musta saw from your fucking whirly machine, unrestrained, free to go as they please. But this is private property and you aren't laying a foot on it. None of you. SHERIFF We'll be back with a court order and a fistful of search warrants. JELLY Just come back with a couple of people who know what they're doing and we'll let'em in for a nice close look at the birds. DELORES And make sure at least one of them is female, and you better do as we say or there may be trouble. AND OVER THE AIRWAVES an announcement is broadcast. INT. WHITE HOUSE DAY THE ASSISTANT INTERIOR UNDERSECRETARY IS SPEAKING INTO A MICROPHONE FOR THE NEWS, and reading from a paper in his hand. UNDERSECRETARY It will be my extreme pleasure to report to the President... INT. SCHOOL AURITORIUM Students listening... UNDERSECRETARY ...who has been gravely concerned about the fate of our whooping cranes.... EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE DAY Two construction workers high atop the city listening to a small transistor radio and eating lunch. UNDERSECRETARY ...and to the Interior Secretary and to the American people that the entire flock of cranes is, indeed, at... EXT. MALL DAY A crowd of people listening to a broadcast in front of a bandstand set up in front of the mall. UNDERSECRETARY VOICE ...Siwash Lake and in apparently healthy condition. The crowd cheers. UNDERSECRETARY VOICE ....The cranes have built brooding nests around the whole circumference of the small lake, and have... EXT. FIELD DAY Cowgirls are watching a small television. UNDERSECRETARY ....hatched chicks there. Counting the young birds, there are now approximately sixty cranes in the flock. While this is good news, it is also quite bewildering... EXT. RUBBER ROSE RANCH DAY A vehicle know as "the peyote wagon" pulls out of the Rubber Rose. Delores del Ruby is at the wheel. And over her truck radio we hear: UNDERSECRETARY (V.O.) ...Whooping cranes are territorially minded and have never been known to nest as close as a mile to one another, yet here they are virtually side by side. EXT. HILL DAY A lone FBI man sees the peyote wagon leaving the ranch through his binoculars. INT. CAR NIGHT Sissy hears a broadcast over a moving car radio. NEWS REPORTER The Rubber Rose Ranch has issued a communiqué that was sent to the federal judge and copies of a recording to the press, today. We can hear the voice of Bonanza Jellybean: JELLY (over the radio) THE WHOOPING CRANE HAS BEEN DRIVEN TO THE EDGE OF EXTINCTION BY AN AGGRESSIVE, BRUTAL PATERNALISTIC SYSTEM INTENT ON SUBDUING THE EARTH AND ESTABLISHING ITS DOMINION OVER ALL THINGS -- IN THE NAME OF GOD THE FATHER, LAW, ORDER AND ECONOMIC PROGRESS. Sissy recognizes the voice. SISSY That's Jellybean! JELLY (V.O.) FROM MEN, THE WHOOPING CRANE HAS RECEIVED NEITHER LOVE NOR RESPECT. MEN HAVE DRAINED THE CRANE'S MARSHES, STOLEN ITS EGGS, INVADED ITS PRIVACY, POLLUTED ITS FOOD, FOULED ITS AIR, BLOWN IT APART WITH BUCKSHOT. INT. RANCH OFFICE Jelly is on the telephone. JELLY OBVIOUSLY, A PATERNALISTIC SOCIETY DOES NOT DESERVE ANYTHING AS GRAND AND BEAUTIFUL AND WILD AND FREE AS THE WHOOPING CRANE. YOU MEN HAVE FAILED IN YOUR DUTY TO THE CRANE. NOW IT IS WOMEN'S TURN. THE CRANES ARE IN OUR CHARGE NOW. WE WILL PROTECT THEM AS LONG AS THEY STILL REQUIRE PROTECTION -- INT. HOSPITAL RECOVERY ROOM DAY Sissy listens to the radio. JELLY'S VOICE WHILE WORKING TOWARD A DAY WHEN THE CREATURES OF THE WORLD NO LONGER HAVE TO SUFFER MAN'S EGOISM, INSENSITIVITY AND GREED. WE REFUSE YOUR ORDER. WE SAY TAKE YOUR ORDER AND SHOVE IT. THIS FLOCK OF BIRDS IS STAYING WITH US. GET LOST, MAC. EXT. ROAD DAY Sissy is hitchhiking with her new thumb. But cars pass one after another without stopping. Until Sissy finally tries her left thumb, which has been spared the knife. With this thumb there are new maneuvers to try out. And as soon as the does, a car stops. MOSAIC of hitchhiking brilliance with Sissy's use of her left thumb. A CLOCK IS TICKING past twelve then on to six and past eight.... she dances wildly around traffic, stopping the hardest of drivers, THE CLOCK TICKS AWAY and within thirty hours she is approaching Mottburg again. EXT. RUBBER ROSE DAY The Ranch is now surrounded by two hundred federal marshalls reinforced by a dozen FBI agents with loaded guns taking position outside the ranch. Sissy gets out of her car and walks past the posse and through the gates. Kym carries a radio which is playing "The Day-Old Apple Strudel Polka" across the corral. She carries the radio as if it is a suitcase full of skunk lice. KYM Man, this is the stupidest music I've ever heard. This radio should have stayed in the privy where it belongs. Kym ropes the radio to her saddle horn and prepares to give it a ride across the Dakota hills. She gets on her horse and rides by the Ranch bungalows and spies Sissy sitting in the outhouse. SISSY Howdy. Kym gets off her horse and hugs Sissy. KYM You know what you're getting into if you come over to the lake... SISSY Yes, but I want to be there. I want to see Jellybean. I want to see the cranes. THEY RIDE ACROSS THE HILLS. Then they stop at an outlook and Sissy sees the circular barricade in the field below. KYM We heard on the radio that the judge has set Delores's bail at fifty thousand dollars. Now she won't be here when we really need her. EXT. CAMP DAY A few cowgirls in the camp huddle around a radio: RADIO NEWS REPORT The American Civil Liberties Union has requested an extension for the Rubber Rose Ranch. The government is aware of the inflamed situation and are afraid that all the marshals and agents might be too willing to uncork the bottle of blood... SISSY RIDES INTO CAMP on the back of Kym's horse the way that John Wayne would have ridden into the Alamo; Heather, Bonanza Jellybean, Debbie, Elaine and Linda dance up to meet her. Before Sissy is completely on the ground, Jelly's tongue is in her mouth. She stumbles out of a stirrup into a wiggly embrace. JELLY Let's celebrate! Debbie stokes up a big joint right now, as Jelly gets out her six guns and fires them in the air. Heather twirls and jumps through her rope. The "Unsung Hero Returns Polka" strikes up on the radio. Elaine rears up on her horse. EXT. HILLSIDE DAY FROM AFAR, AN FBI AGENT views the little going on. AGENT Ain't that just like women. But as the Agent is saying this, viewing them from the ridge, a large rock tumbles down the hill and grazes his head, knocking him out. VIEW of the side of the ridge from where the rock came, but there is strangely nothing where we expect to see the Chink. BELOW: The cowgirls. JELLY Looks like every time we get together things are in a mess. SISSY So be it. It looks serious this time, though. All these guns... are you actually prepared to kill and die for whooping cranes? JELLY Hell no, the cranes are wonderful, okay, but I'm not in this for whooping cranes. I'm in it for cowgirls. If we cowgirls give in to authority on this crane issue, then cowgirls become just another compromise. I want a finer fate than that -- for me and for every other cowgirl. Better no cowgirls at all than cowgirls compromised. SISSY How did this business get started, anyhow? Why are the birds nesting here? DEBBIE You were aware that we were feeding them, weren't you? We fed them brown rice and they stayed over a couple of extra days. Then we decided to try something different. We mixed our brown rice with fishmeal -- whoopers love seafood, and fishmeal is cheap. Then Delores suggested another ingredient, and we think that's what did the trick. SISSY You mean... DEBBIE AND JELLY TOGETHER PEYOTE! SISSY They're drugged. JELLY Aw, come off it, Sissy. What do you mean, 'drugged'? Every living thing is a chemical composition and anything that is added to it changes that composition. When you eat a cheeseburger or a Three Musketeers bar, it changes your body chemistry. The kind of food you eat, the kind of air you breathe, can change your mental state. Does that mean you're 'drugged'? Sissy frames the flock with the hole in the center of her cheese sandwich. SISSY No, I guess not. JELLY 'Drugged' is a stupid word. SISSY But the peyote is obviously affecting their brains. It's made them break a migratory pattern that goes back thousands of years. DEBBIE The way I see it, is that the peyote mellowed them out. Made them less uptight. They were afraid of bad weather and humans. That's why they migrated and kept to themselves. But the peyote has enlightened them. It's taught them there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Now they're digging life and letting the bad vibes slide on. Don't worry, be happy. Be here now. SISSY Fear in wild animals is completely different from paranoia in people. In the wilderness ecosystem, fear is natural and necessary. It's merely a mechanism for maintaining life. If the cranes hadn't had a capacity for fear, they would have disappeared long ago and you'd be having to get loaded with common old everyday meadowlarks and mallards. JELLY This here discussion is destined to become academic. Because we've got less than half a bag of peyote buttons left and Delores's run ended up in the Mottburg jail. So any day now we'll get a chance to see how the whoopers behave when they come down, to see if the peyote experience really changed them or not. But in the meantime, I want to say this about fear..... Then Sissy and Jelly hear a news broadcast on the radio. ANNOUNCER Judge Greenfield, at the request of the ACLU, has granted a forty-eight- hour extension of the deadline by which the Rubber Rose cowgirls must comply with his order. Negotiations between the cowgirls and the government are expected to follow. Another item in, the forewoman of the Rubber Rose Ranch, a Delores del Ruby is now free on bond after having been arrested in Mottburg with more than fifty pounds of peyote buttons. Her bail has been paid by the owner of the besieged ranch, Countess Products, Inc. Miss del Ruby's bail having come from the tycoon's personal advisor, a certain Dr. Robbins of New York City. SISSY Dr. Robbins? EXT. PRAIRIE NIGHT Sissy and Jelly lie under the same stars, under the same blankets. Under the same spell. JELLY Every time I tell you that I love you, you flinch. But that's your problem. SISSY If I flinch when you say you love me, it's both our problems. My confusion becomes your confusion. Students confuse teachers, patients confuse psychiatrists, lovers with confused hearts confuse lovers with clear hearts.... EXT. CAMPFIRE NIGHT Delores and some of the other cowgirls are talking. A sharp wind is beginning to gust. DELORES It isn't for ourselves that we take this stand. It isn't for cowgirls. It's for all the daughters everywhere. This is an extremely important confrontation. This is womankind's chance to prove to her enemy that she's willing to fight and die. If we women don't show here and now that we aren't afraid to fight and die, then our enemy will never take us seriously. Men will always know that, no matter how strong our words and determined our deeds, there's a point where we'll back down and give them their way. Delores cracks her whip then parades around the campfire. DELORES I'm prepared to win! Victory for every female, living or dead, who's suffered the temporary defeats of masculine insensitivity to their inner lives! A few of the cowgirls cheer. DONNA I'll fight the bastards. Big Red opens a can of beans with a Bowie knife. BIG RED I'll fight 'em with bean gas, if necessary. Delores snaps her whip again. DELORES The sun's going down. Let's those of us not standing watch get some sleep. In the morning we'll plan our fight. Tomorrow afternoon those of you who'd like can join me in the reeds, where the cranes and I will be sharing the last crumbs left in the peyote sack. EXT. SIWASH LAKE DAY Delores del Ruby appears from the reeds at Siwash Lake's edge, asleep yet awake. She has sunk so deep into the hole in her mind that gale and dust could not follow her. AS SHE APPROACHES THE COWGIRL CAMP, THEY GATHER AROUND HER IN A TIGHT CIRCLE. MANY ARE TRANSFIXED as they listen. DELORES It is woman's mission to destroy as well as to give birth. We will destroy the tyranny of the dull. But we can't destroy it with guns. Or whips. Violence is the dullard's Breakfast of Champions and the logical end product of his or her misplaced pride. Violence fertilizes that which we would starve. No, we will destroy the enemy in other ways. The Peyote Mother has promised a Fourth Vision. But it won't come to me alone. It will come to each of you, to every cowgirl in the land, when you have overcome that in your own self which is dull. The Fourth Vision will come to some men too. You will recognize them when you meet them, and be their steady sidekicks in equal and ecstatic escapades of poetic behavior and romance. Delores holds up a card. The prairie moon illuminates its tattered edges. It is the jack of hearts. The forewoman seems to be tiring. Fumes of weariness stream from her black hair. Her voice is leaning against the wall of her larynx when she says: DELORES First thing, you must end this business with the government and the cranes. It's been positive and fruitful, but it's gone far enough. Playfulness ceases to serve a serious purpose when it takes itself too seriously. Sorry I won't be with you at the conclusion. As you know, I've been sick and stupid for a long time. I have a lot to make up for, a lot to accomplish, and there's someone important that I've got to see. Now. As graceful as a ballet for cobras, Delores turns and walks away into the night. EXT. RANCH GATES DAY THE FBI, other VIGILANTES and POLICEMEN wait in anticipation of an attack outside of the boundaries of the ranch. EXT. THE COWGIRL COMPOUND DAY Jelly is addressing the group of cowgirls. JELLY Well, what we got to do is one of us has got to go up that hill and tell them boys that America can have its whooping cranes back. Since I'm the boss here, and since I'm responsible for a lot of you choosing to be cowgirls in the first place, it's gonna be me that goes... Small protests from the circle of cowgirls. JELLY No buts about it. It's getting lighter by the second. You podners keep your heads down. Ta ta. The cutest cowgirl in the world stood up and stretched out. COWGIRL Jelly! Please! But Jelly is already on her way. BONANZA JELLYBEAN VAULTS over the carcass of a reducing machine and plants her Tony Lama boots in the stirrup of her saddle and straddles her horse and takes off. EXT. COMPOUND DAY The posse surrounding the ranch, can see Jelly coming over the hill on her horse at a full gallop. EXT. HILL DAY Jelly stops her horse, looks down at her waist, and sees her sixguns. JELLY Better get rid of these. Might give those greenhorn dudes a fright. THROUGH the scope of an FBI rifle, Jelly is drawing her gun out of her holster. AGENT She's going to fire.... He squeezes the trigger, and Jelly is caught in the stomach with a bullet. She falls off her horse to the ground. THE CHINK sees Bonanza Jellybean cut down from a vantage point on the hill, and makes a beeline for the government barricades, SHOUTING. THE COWGIRLS scream and cry, and grab their weapons. A couple of them leap from the barricade and are immediately riddled. EXT. HILL DAY The six-gun slips from her fingers. Twenty or thirty more sweaty triggers are squeezed on the hilltop firing at Bonanza Jellybean. THE CHINK RUNNING AND SHOUTING. EXT. COWGIRL CAMP DAY A VOICE OVER THE BULLHORN directed at the cowgirls echoes: VOICE You've got two minutes to come out with you hands over your heads! RANDOM G-MEN are sniping at the cowgirls, making it impossible to surrender. A stray bullet SENDS THE CHINK back down the hillside, beard, robe and sandals flying. IN THE HUSH that follows, in the echoes of the explosive fire, the whooping crane flock rises in one grand assault of beating feathers - a lily white storm of life, a gush of albino Gabriels -- swarm into the waiting sky, and circle the pond one time before flapping south toward Texas... ...they cast shadows over a dead Jellybean who is literally biting the dust. Sissy lifts Jelly out of the dust and holds her. Sissy lifts Jelly's satin shirt tail and pulls down the waistband of her skirt. Bright red blood is running out of her scar. JELLY Right in the scar where I fell on a wooden horse when I was twelve. Haw, I wasn't really shot with a silver bullet. Confessing to Sissy. JELLY Or was I? EXT. NEW YORK SKY The cranes fly over the Statue of Liberty. EXT. PARISIAN SKY The Cranes fly over the Eiffel tower. EXT. RUSSIAN SKY The Cranes fly over Red Square. INT. MORGUE DAY An undertaker pounding five nails into a white coffin. ON THE TOP OF THE COFFIN are engraved two crossed GOLD SIXGUNS. There are eleven famous cowgirls enameled on the edges and in the middle it reads: BONANZA JELLYBEAN 1944-1973 "Ha ha ho ho and hee hee" Title card: The brown paper bag. A brown paper bag is sitting on the side of the road. A VOICE The brown paper bag is the only thing civilized man has produced that does not seem out of place in nature. Crumpled into a wad of wrinkles, like the fossilized brain of a dryad; its kinship to tree (to knot and nest) unobscured by the cruel crush of industry; absorbing the elements like any other organic entity; blending with rock and vegetation as if it were a burrowing owl's door mat or a jack rabbit's underwear, a No. 8 Kraft paper bag lay discarded in the hills of Dakota and appeared to live where it lay. Once long ago, it had borne a package of buns and a jar of mustard to a kitchenette rendezvous with a fried hamburger. More recently, the bag had held........ love letters. View of a bunkhouse trunk. VOICE As a hole in an oak hides a squirrel's family jewels, the bag had hidden love letters in the bottom of a bunkhouse trunk. Hands lift the contents of the trunk away, rope, spurs, and blanket and find the hidden sack of letters. VOICE Then one day after work, the button- nosed little cowgirl to whom the letters were addressed gathered bag and contents under her arm, slipped out to the corral... We see the Cowgirl saddling her horse late in the day. VOICE ...past ranch hands pitching horseshoes and ranch hands flying Tibetan kites, saddled up and trotted into the hills. We see the Cowgirl riding along a ridge. VOICE A mile or so from the bunkhouse, she dismounted and built a small fire; she fed the fire letters. And this we see also, the lonely Cowgirl feeding the letters to a fire in the dusky early night. We can see the cowgirl is Sissy Hankshaw. VOICE ...one by one, the way her girl friend had once fed her french fries. She is crying now and feeding the fire, close of words like "always" and "forever" burning up. VOICE As words such as sweetheart" and "honey britches" and "forever" and "always" burned away, the cowgirl squirted a few tears. Her eyes were so misty she forgot to burn the bag. INT. BUNKHOUSE NIGHT Sissy is sobbing. Big Red offers a piece of homemade fudge and shows no surprise when Sissy refuses it. Kym kisses the lips quickly of the despondent Cowgirl, and the bunkhouse lights go out. Delores plunks a carefree song on an old Gibson, looks up at the moon. DELORES You know, podner, you can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. She plunks a few notes. DELORES God, but it's good to be a cowgirl. And the bunkhouse lights are turned off. There are some giggles from the cowgirls. INT. MAIN BEDROOM RANCH DAY THE CHINK wakes up and is being cared for by Sissy. He is in pain, but winking. SISSY Is everything getting worse? CHINK Yes, everything is getting worse. But everything is also getting better. SISSY The Countess has come to our aid. The Rubber Rose Ranch is officially deeded to all the cowgirls. And I have been asked to oversee the ranch. For $300 a week. And as it turns out, the Countess is not going to be the vegetable the doctors thought he was... here's a picture! Sissy shows a picture of the Countess recovering in a hospital bed, posing next to Doctor Robbins. CHINK I want to go back to the Clock People. I kind of miss those fool redskins and wonder what they're up to. What's happened to Jelly? SISSY She had a one way-ticket to Kansas City. CHINK You mean she's dead? The Chink mourns a bit. SISSY But that's an old story now...... I can't believe that you would leave the Butte. CHINK Easy come, easy go. DELORES Wow, you sure have a way with words. The Chink looks over and sees that Delores is standing in the doorway. CHINK I can't help it if I grew up in an antipoetic culture. Language will be different when I'm with the Clock People though. They're from an oral tradition. And I'm not talking about what you horny hop toads do in bed every night. The Chink smiles. Delores blushes. SISSY Well, if the Clock People give you any inside information on the end of the world, drop us a postcard. CHINK The world isn't going to end, you dummy; I hope you know that much. (he grows uncharacteristically serious) But it is going to change. It's going to change drastically, and probably in your lifetime. The Clock People see calamitous earthquakes as the agent of change, and they may be right, since there are a hundred thousand earthquakes a year and major ones are long overdue. But there are far worse catastrophes coming... unless the human race can bring itself to abandon the goals and values of civilization, in other words, unless it can break the consumption habit -- and we are so conditioned to consuming as a way of life that for most of us life would have no meaning without the yearnings and rewards of progressive consumption. It isn't merely that our bad habits will cause global catastrophes, but that our operative political-economic philosophies have us in such a blind crab grip that they prevent us from preparing for the natural disasters that are not our fault. So the apocalyptic shit is going to hit the fan, all right, but there'll be some of us it'll miss. Little pockets of humanity. Like the Clock People. Like you two honeys, if you decide to accept my offer of a lease on Siwash Cave. There's almost no worldwide calamity -- famine, nuclear accident, plague, weather warfare or reduction of the ozone shield -- that you couldn't survive in that cave. He begins to caress Sissy's belly. His eyes are smiling. Sissy is surprised. CHINK Suppose that you bear five or six children with your characteristics. All in Siwash Cave. In a postcatastrophe world, your offspring would of necessity intermarry, forming in time a tribe. A tribe every member of which had giant thumbs. A tribe of Big Thumbs would relate to the environment in very special ways. It could not use weapons or produce sophisticated tools. It would have to rely on its wits and its senses. It would have to live with animals -- and plants! -- as virtual equals. It's extremely pleasant to me to think about a tribe of physical eccentrics living peacefully with animals and plants, learning their languages, perhaps, and paying them the respect they deserve. SISSY How am I going to be the progenitor of a tribe when I'm living on an isolated ridgetop with Delores? CHINK That's your problem. The Chink coughs. CHINK Listen to the way I'm babbling. That bullet must have loosened one of my transistors. Don't pay any attention to me. You've got to work it out for yourself. The westbound choo-choo leaves Mottburg at one-forty. I want to be on it. Will you drive me to the station? INT. TRUCK DAY Sissy and Delores are driving the Chink out the front gate of the Rubber Rose. CHINK Schedules! Ironic how I have to follow timetables in order to get back to the clockworks. He yells out the window of the moving vehicle. CHINK Don't ever bet against paradox, ladies... EXT. THE RUBBER ROSE GATES We hear the Chink yelling, and the Rubber Rose sign is being changed to one that reads El Rancho Jellybean. CHINK ....if complexity doesn't beat you, then paradox will. Ha ha ho ho and hee hee..... And the truck disappears into the prairie land. A LONG DARK PAUSE, UNTIL finally we are inside the cave where the Chink's Clockworks are at work..... poing! It is revealed that Sissy is with Delores snug in the old hermit's living quarters. She listens to the clinking of the Chink's Clockworks. And feels her belly. The swell of her belly has forced her to sleep on her back. CLOSE VIEW of Sissy's belly, and a little foot kicks from inside. Or is it a foot? VIEW INSIDE THE BELLY of Sissy's unborn baby. It is half- Japanese, one thirty-second Siwash and all thumbs. The moving thumbs are hitchhiking you..... THE END
EVIL DEAD by Sam Raimi BOOK OF THE DEAD "The Ultimate Experience In Grueling Terror" By Sam Raimi 10/13/79 SCENE CODING Interior - I Exterior - E Day - D Night - N Twilight - T LOCATION CODING CAR - Car B - Bridge CAB - Surrounding area outside cabin W - Woods M.R. - Main Room D.R. - Dining Room K - Kitchen C - Cellar W.S. - Work Shed L.B. - Linda's Bedroom S.B. - Shelly's Bedroom C.B. - Cheryl's Bedroom B.T.R- Bathroom EXAMPLE 12 ID - D.R. TRANSLATION Scene #12, Interior, Day, Dining Room 1 ED - W Something evil is lurking deep withing the wooded moun- tains of Tennessee, and the camera takes its point of view. Rising from a swampy bog, the mud slides from view allowing it to see early morning mist hanging about the forest. Creeping silently past trees, gliding over small shrubs, it moves onward through the woods until a mammoth oak rests directly in its path. The tree is uprooted by this unseen force, and falls with a deafening crash. 2 ED - CAR Near by, a stretch of highway curves along the base of a mountain. The road winds off into oblivion beyond other peaks. From behind view, the rumble of an engine can be heard. It is a large logging truck headed south. Moving away, the truck becomes smaller until finally it disap- pears in the distance. From where the truck emerged, a dilapidated gold 1973 Oldsmobile comes into view. 3 ID - CAR Inside, five people can be seen. They are couples ASHLY and LINDA, SCOTT and SHELLY, and CHERYL, ASHLY's sister. Both SCOTT and SHELLY wear "Michigan State" T-shirts, and are students along with the others at that univer- sity. SCOTT is driving and SHELLY sits next to him up front. ASHLY, LINDA and CHERYL are in back. They listen to an old "Baby Moses And The Thrillers" song on the radio, and SHELLY is slapping the dash board as if it were a drum. SHELLY (Singing with the music)... Together, forever... SCOTT Ash, where are we? ASHLY I'll tell ya in a second. Now we're still on seventy-five just past the county border... 4 ED - W Once again, the camera takes the point of view of the dark and brooding force which stops atop a forest ridge to peer downward. Its view focuses upon the 1973 Olds- mobile speeding along the narrow highway below. 5 ID - CAR ASHLY traces a route on the map with his finger. ASHLY ...Which would put us...which would put us... SCOTT Jesus Christ, just tell us already will ya? ASHLY zeroes in on the map with his finger. ASHLY ...Right... SCOTT is growing impatient. ASHLY ...Right... SCOTT Yes? ASHLY Here! Suddenly, the radio stops, and the steering wheel jerks from SCOTT's hand. 6 ED - CAR The car screetches out of control into the opposite lane. A large oncoming tanker truck with its horn screaming races toward the car on a collision coarse. 7 ID - CAR SHELLY Scotty, watch out! 8 ED - CAR The truck races closer. 9 ID - CAR Their steering wheel is locked. ASHLY Turn! 10 ED - CAR At the last possible instant, SCOTT's wheel again can be controlled, and the car swerves sharply back into its own lane. 11 ED - CAR The truck speeds harmlessly past them. 12 ID - CAR ASHLY Damn it Scott, what the hell was that? You trying to kill us? SCOTT Don't yell at me, it's your lousy steering wheel. The damn thing jerked right out of my hand. ASHLY I can't understand it. I just had this thing in for a tune-up. SHELLY Radio's dead too, ace. ASHLY And I just had 'em tune up the whole thing yesterday. SCOTT Well, then take it back 'cause the damn thing don't work. Only thing that works on the whole car is the lousy horn. SCOTT honks the horn. 13 ED - CAR Several local MEN walking down the highway respond to the horn by waving. 14 ID - CAR SCOTT yells out the window at them. SCOTT Aw, go to hell, I'm not waving at ya! He looks in the rear view mirror. The MEN are still wav- ing in the distance. SCOTT turns back to drive. SCOTT Jesus Christ. SHELLY turns around in the front seat and holds up a pint of Scotch. SHELLY Well, I'd like to make a toast. To Scott who almost killed us. SCOTT Aw, eat shit and die will ya? SHELLY and the others laugh. SHELLY Okay, okay- then to a wild week-end in a wonderful cabin with good friends, (She glances at SCOTT) provided we live that long. SHELLY cooly drinks from the Scotch and passes the bottle back to ASHLY and LINDA. ASHLY pours LINDA a drink in the bottle cap and keeps the bottle. They raise their drinks. ASHLY and LINDA ...With good friends. They toast, drink and react to the strong liquor. ASHLY tries to hide his reaction to the Scotch in front of LINDA, since SHELLY had reacted so calmly. ASHLY passes the bottle to CHERYL who stops him with a polite "No, thank you," then back up front to SCOTT. LINDA Hey Scotty, what's this place like anyway? SCOTT Well, the guy that's renting it says it's an old place, little run down, but it's right up in the mountains- totally secluded. (He takes a drink from the bottle) Best part is, we get it so cheap. LINDA Why are we getting it so cheap? SCOTT I don't know, might be in real bad shape. CHERYL You mean nobody's seen this place yet? SCOTT Not yet. ASHLY Might not be too bad. LINDA No... ASHLY Actually, it might be very nice. LINDA Yeah... SHELLY It's probably a real pit. CHERYL I can't believe that we're renting a place for a week-end that nobody's seen. SCOTT (Mumbling to himself) Jesus Christ, not this again... CHERYL (Turning to ASHLY) You know, mom and dad would never let us go up to a place like this if they knew- ASHLY -Which is exactly why they don't know. I'll tell you who I am gonna call. The guys that fixed up this car. 15 ED - CAR The car approaches an exit along the highway. 16 ID - CAR ASHLY glances at the map again. ASHLY Hey, I think this is where we get off. 17 ED - CAR The car turns off the main highway and follows several back roads until it approaches a narrow dirt lane that winds upward along a twin set of mountains. 18 ID - CAR SCOTT glances up to the peaks. SCOTT These mountains seem familiar. LINDA What do they remind you of? Some- thing majestic? Adventure? SCOTT Yeah, more like adventure. LINDA Any adventure in particular? SCOTT Shelly's sweater. ASHLY and SCOTT laugh out loud. LINDA laughs quietly, and CHERYL lets out an embarassed giggle to herself. SHELLY (Teasing) Oooh, you're gonna get it Scotty, when you least expect it, you're gonna get it good. 19 ED - B Finally, the car arrives at a wooden bridge extending over a great chasm. Carefully, the vehicle crosses. 20 ED - CAB It is late afternoon when they eventually arrive at their destination. The small wooden cabin is surrounded by thick dark woods. SCOTT shuts off the car but it contin- ues to sputter and backfire. 21 ID - CAR ASHLY reacts to his car. ASHLY I...I sent 'em a check for the tune-up. but I'm just not paying for it. LINDA This place is perfect. CHERYL The woods come awfully close to the house don't they? SCOTT So what's wrong with the woods, they can't bite ya. CHERYL It's just a little claustrophobic that's all. LINDA Well, I think it's beautiful. SHELLY Me too, it's gonna be a bomb week- end. 22 ED - CAB SCOTT moves to the front door of the cabin where he finds a small ring of keys concealed on the shelf above the door. ASHLY unloads the car to the others. SCOTT It's supposed to be one of these on here. After trying several keys, he is able to unlock the door. 23 ID - M.R. The interior of the cabin is completely dark. SCOTT opens the door and stands silhouetted in the doorway for a moment, then enters to find the light switch. The illumination reveals floors, walls, and ceilings made of cedar. There are two small bedrooms, a kitchen, and the main room which contains a stone fireplace set into the wall. An old grandfather clock stands silently in one corner, partially hidden in the shadows. A door in the rear of the cabin leads to a small work shed containing a work bench and an assortment of tools upon the wall. Located centrally in the main room is a trap door leading to the cellar. This catches SCOTT's eye. SCOTT Hey, this place has a dungeon. CHERYL puts down a case of art supplies, and moves over to SCOTT by the trap door. He unlocks a chain securing the trap door with one of his keys and hands the ring to SHELLY. SCOTT Put these back will you? SHELLY leaves with the keys, and SCOTT tries to open the hatch but cannot. SCOTT They nailed it shut. CHERYL Good, I don't like cellars. Probably just some garbage down there anyways. SCOTT Cheryl, they don't nail garbage in cellars. I mean it's not going to try and get out or anything. CHERYL Well, what's down there? SCOTT Well, could be any number of things. Old baseball cards, mushrooms, dead bodies- LINDA Hey, look at this! LINDA is standing in the corner next to the old grand- father clock. She repositions a balance weight, and it begins to tick. LINDA Ta daaaaaa! The others applaud and whistle. LINDA smiles. 24 ET - CAB The cabin is seen from the outside. Twilight has come. 25 IT - M.R. CHERYL sits alone in the living room near the window. She is drawing sketches of the old clock. As she works, the ticking stops unexpectedly. CHERYL puts down her pencil and looks up to the clock. It stands silently in the cor- ner with its hands frozen in position. There is a rust- ling from the woods. CHERYL looks out the window but can see only the trees. Something is moving outside, yet re- mains hidden within the forest. A gust of wind fills the room. CHERYL glances down at her hand. It turns a pale white and begins to shake and jerk about uncontrollably. She stares on incredulously as her hand, guided by some unseen force picks up the pencil and begins to sketch a figure upon her pad. The wind gales through the open window but dies down slowly as her hand completes the drawing. Whatever was at the edge of the woods has now retreated further into them. Her hand loses the pale cast and is now under control once more. CHERYL picks up her pad of paper. The likeness of a book with some form of ancient writing on its cover has been sketched. She looks to the woods which are now silent. A snapping of wood is heard from the cellar. CHERYL quickly turns to the trap door still nailed shut in the floor. Pos- sibly just a mouse, but she fixes her gaze upon it. Another sound, almost like faint breathing comes from the cellar. 26 IT - K/M.R. ASHLY and LINDA enter from the kitchen. ASHLY is drink- ing a beer and moves over to CHERYL. He stands between her and the trap door. ASHLY What're you drawing Cheryl? He picks up the piece of paper. LINDA looks over his shoulder to glance at it. CHERYL I...I don't know. ASHLY Is it a bible? CHERYL No, no it's no bible. (She glances again at the cellar, knowing some- thing is down there) I don't know what it is. LINDA Well, this one of the clock's not bad. LINDA picks up the sketch and walks over to the clock with it a few steps away. She stands comparing it to the real thing with her back to CHERYL and ASHLY. She is only a few inches from the trap door, and CHERYL wants to call out in warning when ASHLY kneels in front of her to speak secretly. ASHLY (In a whisper) I got it right here. He taps something in his shirt pocket. CHERYL is looking past him paying no attention. She watches only LINDA's feet, waiting for whatever is in the cellar to grab them. LINDA looks at the drawing in comparison. LINDA Cheryl, this is really good. I like how you did the numbers in that wood- ish style. ASHLY produces a small box from his shirt and opens it quickly to show CHERYL. It contains a gold pendant on a necklace. LINDA takes a step closer to the clock. She is now standing almost upon the trap door. Although nailed shut, it opens slightly, pulling the nails with it. CHERYL gasps. ASHLY is pleased with her response. ASHLY (Still in a whisper) I knew you'd like it. Quickly, he places it back in his shirt and touches his lips with a finger to indicate the secrecy of his sup- rise. LINDA returns with the sketch and places it back on CHERYL's small drawing table. LINDA It's really good Cheryl. Very close to the origional. CHERYL (In a relieved whisper) Yes, very close. LINDA I'm gonna check dinner. LINDA returns to the kitchen and ASHLY turns to CHERYL. ASHLY You better get washed up. I'll see ya in there. He winks, then follows LINDA into the kitchen. CHERYL again looks at the cellar. Slowly, from her point of view, the camera moves in toward the trap door, wait- ing...waiting. 27 IT - K A blender screams as it mixes up a drink in the kitchen. SHELLY shuts it off and carries it to the dining room. 28 IT - D.R. She joins the others who are now seated at the dinner table and serves the mixture. SCOTT sits between LINDA and CHERYL. He leans over to CHERYL. SCOTT (In a whisper) Dead bodies in the cellar, dead bodies in the cellar... CHERYL Will you stop it? LINDA Scott, leave her alone will ya? SCOTT turns toward LINDA. SCOTT Will you relax, I'm just kidding around. She can take a joke- He stops talking as he hears the trickling of water. He turns to see CHERYL finish pouring a glass of water in his lap. The others laugh. SCOTT is silent for a moment, then begins chuckling to himself. He turns to CHERYL. SCOTT (Jokingly) I'll get ya. With a napkin, he blots the water from his pants. SCOTT I'll get ya for this Cheryl. ASHLY stands with his drink and raises the glass. ASHLY I'd like to make a toast for all here this evening. As a greek friend of mine once said, "Nis-hat-nis-fert- dis-ruben-tu-tar-im." LINDA Which means? SCOTT Party down! The laughter is stifled by a loud snap and cracking of wood heard from the main room. SCOTT What the hell... All stand from the table and hurry to the main room. 29 IN - M.R. The nails that held down the trap door have been ripped out, and although still in tact, the hatch is wide open. They stand silently in front of it, looking blank as to what could have done this. CHERYL is slighly more nervous than the others. ASHLY is the first to speak. ASHLY (Slowly) What is this? SCOTT Whatever it is, it's still down there. CHERYL I don't like cellars, let's close it up. (She does not want to deal with it) It's probably just some animal. SCOTT An animal?! An an...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- that's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life. Jesus Christ. SCOTT locates a flashlight and peers into the hole. He traces the old wooden steps into darkness with his light. LINDA Maybe it is just some animal. SCOTT Yeah, probably right. It's probably just some animal. Uh...Cheryl, why don't you make sure. He hands the flashlight to CHERYL who quickly gives it back. CHERYL Scotty, I'm not going down there! SCOTT Okay, okay you cowards, I'll go. LINDA Scotty don't. You're crazy if you go down there. Why don't you wait until morning. SCOTT Look, I'll be all right. SHELLY What melodrama! What courage! A kiss my brave hero. SCOTT kisses SHELLY and with flashlight in hand, he descends the narrow steps into the cellars blackness. SHELLY I, your virgin queen eagerly await the precious moment when you will ascend. SCOTT Virgin queen?! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- He disappears below the floor. SHELLY, CHERYL, LINDA and ASHLY wait above. ASHLY (Calling down) Hey Scott, see any- thing? There is no answer. ASHLY Hey Scott!...Scott! SHELLY He's just kidding around. There is silence. SHELLY Isn't he? No sounds come from the cellar. ASHLY Linda, get me a flashlight. LINDA That's the only one we brought up. ASHLY spots a lantern on the fireplace mantle. ASHLY Then get that lantern. LINDA brings it over. ASHLY opens the kerosene valve, lights the wick, and descends into the basement. 30 IN - C Down below, ASHLY moves quietly past the old stone walls and wooden beams which support the main floor above. In front of him stands an old door which leads to another section of the cellar. Cautiously, he moves toward it. Before he can touch it, the door swings open slowly with a moan. ASHLY moves through the doorway and deeper into the cellar. Condensation from water pipes above turn the cellar into an echo chamber as drips fall into shallow pools on the dirt floor below. As ASHLY scans with his light, he spots a shadow move out the corner of his eye. ASHLY Scott? ASHLY breaks into a cold sweat as he moves away from the area where the shadow passed. He backs sqarely into a pair of arms which grab him. ASHLY Ahhhhhhh! It is only SCOTT behind him. ASHLY What the hell are you doing down here, jerkin' off? How come you didn't answer me? SCOTT When? ASHLY Just now, I mean upstairs. SCOTT I didn't hear you. ASHLY Oh well, did you find anything? SCOTT Uh-uh. ASHLY What's this? SCOTT sweeps his light to another corner and reveals several items atop a small table. Beneath a dusty cloth, he finds a book which appears to be covered in some sort of animal hide, with an ancient form of writing on the cover. Along with this book, SCOTT and ASHLY uncover a reel to reel tape recorder, an ancient dagger, and other parapanalia including a box of rifle shells. 31 EN - CAB It is evening as darkness surrounds the small cabin. 32 IN - M.R. The group sits huddled around the fireplace talking quietly about school. The same bottle of Scotch is passed around. ASHLY is rewinding the tape recorder, and once this is done, he turns it on. The voice of an old man is heard. ASHLY turns to the others who are talking. ASHLY Shhh, listen to this. VOICE My name is Julian Knowby. I am a pro- fessor of ancient Egyptian mythology in Dextin university's ancient history department... ASHLY This is the tape I found downstairs. VOICE (Continuing)...I am recording this entry from a small cabin in the south- ern mountains of Tennessee. Here, I am staying with my wife for a few weeks so that I may continue my research un- disturbed. Since May, a group of assoc- iate professors and myself have been excavating the ruins of Ca'n Dar. I believe I have made an important find in that area, and thus the reason for this log. With it, I can keep an ac- curate record of translations from my latest find; the first of six, the others still lost, volumes of ancient Sumarian burial practices and rites. Basically, it is a book of do's and don'ts dealing with the deceased en- titled "Naturan Demanto" roughly trans- lated "Book Of The Dead." It is bound in human flesh, and inked with blood of the deceased... SCOTT Jeez, I'd hate to find out what they used for pens. VOICE (Continuing)...This particular volume deals with demons and demon resurrect- ion. These are of the Katardi family, meaning those forces believed to inhab- it the jungles and woods of man's do- main. The first few pages that I have translated warn that these demons are dangerous, everpresent, and exist primarily through this book. As legend has it, only the sacred high priests of the Ca'n Dar tribe could posess these books, for they alone could properly control the resurrected de- mons. It is only through the act of reciting the resurrection passage that these demons would be able to posess the living. For many years, it was thought that this legend- CHERYL turns off the machine at this point. SCOTT Hey, what'd you do that for? It was just getting good. CHERYL I just don't want to hear any more that's all. SCOTT (Singing) Cheryl's scared, Cheryl's scared. ASHLY Scott, leave her alone will ya? SCOTT Jesus Christ. He moves to the tape recorder and fast forewards it for a bit then stops. SCOTT She's acting like a baby- it's no big deal. He turns the machine on. The passage continues. VOICE Tantir-ah-mis-trobeen-ha-zar-ta 33 EN - CAB As the tape plays, all natural sounds from the forest die out, and the autumn colors in the trees fade to a gloomy grey. 34 IN - M.R. VOICE Tantir-man-ov-mis-hazen-sober. All eyes except CHERYL's turn to the window. 35 EN - CAB Outside, clouds roll in from the east, thunder booms in the distance, and as the wind picks up, it begins to rain. 36 IN - M.R. VOICE Kanda! 37 EN - CAB A section of ground deep within the woods begins to crack, and opens. Smoke seeps out from within, as if some evil force was now being unleashed. 38 IN - M.R. CHERYL (In a whisper) Shut it off. VOICE Kanda! 39 EN - CAB The winds howl, and blackbirds fly from their nests, screaming. 40 IN - M.R. CHERYL (Louder now) Shut it off. ASHLY, hearing her for the first time, turns from the window to CHERYL. She is overwhealmed with fear. VOICE Kanda! 41 EN - CAB A bolt of lightning strikes very near and its thunder crash is deafening. 42 IN - M.R. CHERYL can no longer control herself. She screams and covers her ears. CHERYL Shut it offffff! The window shatters when a branch from a nearby tree tears through it. ASHLY runs to the tape recorder and turns it off. CHERYL is crying now, and runs to her room. ASHLY turns to SCOTT. ASHLY Scott, you knew not to play it, I mean...I mean you knew it was upset- ting her. You just don't know when you're carrying something too far. SCOTT (To SHELLY) C'mon. (Back to ASHLY) Big deal, it's just a joke, shit. SCOTT and SHELLY head for their bedroom. SCOTT mumbles to himself along the way. SCOTT You'd think she's three years old or something. SCOTT slams the door behind him. ASHLY sighs. He moves to the broken window and reaches through it to close the outside shutters. LINDA He's really been bothering you hasn't he? ASHLY walks to a chair near the other window. ASHLY No. It's not Scott. Scotty's okay. It's just that ever since we came up here, things have been a little too tense. (He sits) All these crazy things going on. And look at that window- we're gonna have to pay for that window now. LINDA It'll be better tomorrow. Things'll smooth out, you'll see. ASHLY I hope so. He looks at LINDA lovingly for a long moment. ASHLY What'ya say we stay up for a while and listen to the storm. LINDA Deal. Lemme check on Cheryl. I'll be right back. From across the room, she is seen opening CHERYL's door a crack. LINDA asks if she is all right, and gets a muffled reply. In the foreground, ASHLY removes the small box he showed to CHERYL earlier and places it in his hand. He glances behind to LINDA. She closes CHERYL's door and walks back to find ASHLY sound asleep with the box in his hand. She reaches for the box and ASHLY opens his eyes to watch. LINDA looks at him, but his eyes are closed again in time to still appear fast asleep. LINDA turns her attention back to the box. ASHLY watches again wide-eyed as she removes it from his hand. Quickly, LINDA turns to him but as expected, ASHLY is sleeping like a baby. She begins to turn back toward the box and ASHLY opens his eyes, but LINDA turns back again in time to catch him with his eyes wide open. LINDA Ah ha! ASHLY (Laughing) Stealing from the blind eh? It's for you. LINDA begins to open the box. LINDA It better be good. The gold necklace is revealed inside. LINDA Oh Ash, it's beautiful. LINDA kisses ASHLY. He removes the necklace from the box and holds it around her neck. ASHLY (Fastening it around her neck) I was going to give it to you before we left, but things got so hectic, this is the first chance I've had. Do you like it? LINDA moves to a mirror. LINDA It's beautiful. I really love it. (She turns to ASHLY) I'll never take it off. 43 EN - CAB Lightning strikes as something in the woods examines the small cottage. Through the outside window, ASHLY and LINDA can be seen embracing. This force watching them moves around the house to another window. The silhouette of SCOTT and SHELLY undressing can be seen. The force continues around and arrives at CHERYL's window. Inside, she brushes her hair in front of the mirror for a moment, then sets down her brush and moves to the window. She stops to uncrumple the sketch drawn earlier, looks at it, then out to the dark woods. 44 IN - C.B. CHERYL can faintly hear some kind of sound. It is the same sound she had heard earlier from the cellar. A noise almost like that of something breathing. 45 EN - CAB The evil entity rounds the corner of the cabin as CHERYL walks through the rooms to the front door. She can be seen stepping out the door. It closes behind her. Wind shaking the tree branches sends dead leaves fluttering about. CHERYL (Calling to the woods) Is anybody out there? There is no answer. CHERYL steps away from the cottage toward the woods. 46 EN - W The breeze animates her nightgown and it too seems alive. CHERYL stops. CHERYL I know someone's out there...I heard you...I heard you in the cellar. Suddenly, CHERYL becomes chilled. She folds her arms around herself and stands at the woods edge, listening. There is only darkness and sounds of the evening wind blowing through the trees. CHERYL steps into the forest a few feet then stops. A cry deep within the woods can be heard. She freezes. Whispering in the distance grows somewhat louder and a soft wail is heard- like that of something long since dead, dredged up to roam the earth again. CHERYL is about to turn back toward the cabin when a rustling comes from a group of trees about twenty yards behind her. She stops. No sound. Nothing moves. Several yards to her left a twig snaps suddenly. She turns but there is silence again. The winds die down, leaving a deathly stillness throughout the woods. Then, all at once, the entire forest becomes alive in a flurry of chaotic noises and movement. Snake-like vines wrap around her ankles and slither up her legs. Tree branches near by begin to claw and rake at her. The force is now moving through the woods toward her. CHERYL is able to break the vines and run toward the cabin. She emerges from the woods and into the clearing. The force is still following. 47 EN - CAB CHERYL reaches the cabin door but it is locked. She begins pounding upon the door. CHERYL Help, help, let me in. Open the door! The evil entity now emerges from the woods. CHERYL Ashly! Linda! Open up! CHERYL spots the small key ring above the door where SHELLY had returned them earlier. One by one, she fran- tically jams one key after another into the lock, but still cannot find the right one. The force comes closer with each key. CHERYL Please, someone please! Help me, help meeeee! The evil entity is almost upon her, but her actions are so frantic that the ring falls to the ground. She bends down to pick them up, but a hand grabs her arm. It is SCOTT who has opened the door from the inside. She pushes him in the door and slams it tightly. 48 IN - M.R. SCOTT What the hell happ- CHERYL (In hysterics) It...it tried to kill me. I, I heard a noise and...and I ran and the trees...the trees! SCOTT What are you- He is cut off by ASHLY approaching with the others. ASHLY Cheryl what's wrong with you? Did something in the woods do this to you? CHERYL No, no, no...the woods themselves- The trees- they're alive... She hugs ASHLY tightly and cries in hysterical sobs. CHERYL They're alive... LINDA Ash, why don't I take her into the bedroom so she can lie down a little- CHERYL (Cutting her off) -I'm not lying down! I'm not staying here. We're leaving this place, we're leaving this place right now! SCOTT Wait a minute, I'm sure as hell not going anywhere. SHELLY Cheryl- ASHLY Cheryl, there's nothing out there. Trees do not attack people. CHERYL Ashly, will you drive me into town or not? ASHLY (Looking at his watch) Right Now? (He realizes how desperate she is) Sure, sure I'll drive you into town. But if you'll just listen to what you're saying, you- CHERYL I don't care how it sounds. I want to leave this minute. You can bring back my things when you go. ASHLY Okay- if you don't want to stay, I can't make you. LINDA puts a coat around CHERYL as ASHLY helps her to the door. 49 EN - CAB ASHLY and CHERYL move to the car. ASHLY helps CHERYL in then then gets in the drivers side. 50 IN - CAR CHERYL I'll stay some place in town tonight. ASHLY tries to start the car. There is no response. CHERYL becomes somewhat worried. ASHLY tries again. The car will not turn over. A look of dread comes across CHERYL's face. 51 EN - CAB SCOTT and the others join the two outside. 52 IN - CAR CHERYL It's not gonna start. ASHLY again tries the engine. CHERYL I know it's not gonna start. It's not gonna let us leave. ASHLY keys the engine and it turns over this time, start- ing up with a roar. ASHLY, worried by CHERYL's condition glances over to her. Confused and upset, CHERYL turns away from ASHLY and looks out her window. They drive off into the night through the wooded mountains toward town. ASHLY glances at CHERYL who is studying the forest in- tensely for any sign of movement. The concern for his sister is made obvious by the expression on his face. Their car approaches the narrow bridge area and slows down. CHERYL Why are you slowing down? ASHLY brings the car to a halt. CHERYL What is this? ASHLY's gaze is fixed directly ahead, and his mouth opens slowly. He flips on the high beams which stab through the evening mist. 53 EN - B The bridge over the chasm has been torn away. CHERYL is silent as ASHLY walks to the ravine's edge to examine any remains. 54 IN - CAR CHERYL (Mumbling to herself) No, no, no, no, no...it's not going to let us leave, it's not going to let us go...it's not gonna let us gooooo! 55 EN - CAB An axe is raised into the air, then brought down smash- ing upon a log, splitting it in two. SCOTT is chopping wood outside the cabin. Behind him, through a window, CHERYL sits with a cup of tea in her hand watching him. SCOTT sets his axe down, gathers the wood and moves away. CHERYL shifts her gaze from SCOTT to the woods beyond. The camera moves in toward CHERYL then past her to SHELLY and LINDA who can be seen playing cards on the floor. ASHLY is seated near the fireplace with the tape recorder in front of him. He plugs an earphone in so only he can hear it. SCOTT enters the cabin and passes in front of ASHLY to drop his wood to one side of the fireplace. He throws a log in, and heads back outside. 56 IN - M.R. From inside, LINDA speaks. LINDA Cheryl, wanna play some cards? CHERYL (Turning with a smile) Uh-uh. CHERYL turns to face the window again. LINDA Hey, tomorrow morning, we'll find some way around that cliff into town okay? CHERYL Okay. Outside the window, SCOTT chops more wood for the nights fire. ASHLY turns on the tape recorder to listen with the ear plug. VOICE March 12th. Suzanne came after me and almost murdered me. My own wife. At first I thought it was a mental or physical disorder because of what had happened to her eyes, but I was only fooling myself. I knew what it was. Outside the window, SCOTT continues to chop and gather wood. SHELLY, still engaged in cards with LINDA, holds up one in particular. SHELLY Okay, guess this card. LINDA How am I going to know what card that is? SHELLY Guess, I'm going to see if you're psychic. The card is a two of clubs. LINDA Okaaaay...is it a queen? SHELLY Right! LINDA Really? SHELLY Yeah. LINDA Hey Ash, I guessed the card right. ASHLY (indifferently) Truly amazing Linda. He is listening intently to the log as it continues. VOICE Three days have passed since that thing has been down there. I was hop- ing to weaken it without food or water. Nothing worked. Finally, in desperation I dragged her out to the shed and dismembered her so that what- ever it was could not get up again. SHELLY Cheryl, did you see that? CHERYL remains with her back to them staring out the window. SHELLY Try this one. She removes a nine of clubs from the deck and holds it up. LINDA Okay, lemme think, uh... She puts her hands to her head in a curved funnel form- ation as if to direct her thoughts to the card. LINDA ...Um, it's a seven. SHELLY Oh my God, what suit? LINDA Diamonds, no wait! I mean hearts! SHELLY That's right- seven of hearts! LINDA Hey Ash, did you see that? I guessed two cards in a row. ASHLY (Still not paying attention) How do you do it Linda? He is concentrating on the tape. VOICE This is when I saw the dark figures moving about in the woods. I should have never tampered with the "Book Of The Dead." I now know that what- ever it is I have resurrected through this book, is coming for me. LINDA You know, I always thought I had some sort of extra sense. You know, like e.s.p or something. SHELLY What's this one? She holds up the queen of spades. LINDA Another seven! SHELLY I don't believe it! CHERYL (Still looking outside) Queen of spades. SHELLY looks at her card then back to CHERYL. She holds up another card. CHERYL Four of hearts. The card is a four of hearts. SHELLY bites her lip in fear and reaches for another card. ASHLY and LINDA listen in silence. CHERYL Eight of spades. SHELLY picks up the card. CHERYL is correct again. CHERYL Two of spades- jack of diamonds- jack of clubs- Faster and faster she calls them off. Even before SHELLY can flip them to keep up. Suddenly, CHERYL turns toward the group. Her eyes are bone white. SHELLY's deck of cards slip from her hand and scatter across the floor. CHERYL's body is hoisted up to its feet and jerked about like a white-eyed marionette. She speaks in a voice un- like her own. CHERYL Why have you disturbed our sleep, awakened us from our ancient slum- ber? You will die. Like the others before you. We will take you one by one. All of you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- She screams in a low gruff voice and collapses to the floor. ASHLY Oh my God, Shelly, get Scott in here! SHELLY does not respond. ASHLY Hurry! She exits through the front door. LINDA moves to CHERYL and lifts her head gently. CHERYL appears unconcious but behind her, she reaches for a pen. LINDA Did you see her eyes? I'm scared. What's wrong with her? ASHLY begins to speak when SCOTT and SHELLY enter. SCOTT What happened to her? CHERYL's hand clutches the pen tightly. LINDA Look at her eyes. SCOTT's hand reaches for CHERYL's eyes to inspect them, but they blink open. The pen in her hand races upward, then slashes down, ripping into LINDA's achilles tendon. LINDA screams fiercely and with a blur, the bloodied pen is raised again. ASHLY grabs CHERYL's arm stopping her, but with a powerful swipe, she swings her remaining arm at LINDA who is sent sprawling across the cabin floor. CHERYL then clutches ASHLY and, almost lifting him, sends his body reeling across the room into a book- case which topples over, trapping him beneath its weight. SHELLY stands screaming as CHERYL now advances toward ASHLY's face with the bloody pen. He struggles to pull himself out but cannot. CHERYL is almost upon him when SCOTT grabs her from behind. Effortlessly, she tosses him off and moves toward ASHLY again. SCOTT climbs to his feet and grabs the axe. CHERYL raises the pen above ASHLY's face, and SCOTT gives her a sharp jab in the jaw with the wooden handle. CHERYL stumbles past LINDA and falls backwards, head first into the cellar. She begins to climb out but SCOTT slams the trap door shut upon her hand. It won't close. CHERYL starts to push the trap door open from below. SCOTT climbs on top and is almost thrown off until he viciuosly rams the butt of his axe down upon her protruding hand. Demented screams and moans are heard from below as CHERYL's hand is finally pulled back and SCOTT manages to secure the chain across the hatch. 57 IN - LB Later that evening, LINDA is seen in her bed, sleeping. ASHLY covers her with a blanket, kisses her, and walks to the door, closing it quietly behind him. 58 IN - M.R. ASHLY joins SCOTT and SHELLY who sit near the fire in the main room. From the cellar, strange moans, sobs and laughter emerge, then horrible rasping sounds from CHERYL's breathing. Through the next sequence of dialogue, her breathing becomes louder then somewhat quiet. SCOTT She'll be okay Ash, she just took a bad bump. ASHLY (Quietly) Yeah. SCOTT and SHELLY listen to the strange noises from below as ASHLY looks out the window to the woods beyond. ASHLY We've still got a few hours before morning. SHELLY I don't know if I can wait that long. SCOTT You have to. We all have to. Then, once it's light out, we'll try to find a way to get around that chasm. SHELLY (Covering her ears) Why does she keep making those horrible noises? ASHLY I don't know. SHELLY And what about her eyes? ASHLY and SCOTT are quiet. SHELLY What about her eyes? (Desperately) For God's sake what happened to her eyes?! CHERYL patiently sits in the cellars darkness with a streak of light across her eyes from the crack in the trap door. Her head is slightly tilted as she watches and listens to what is said above. From her point of view we hear SCOTT speak to SHELLY. SCOTT Everything's gonna be all right. CHERYL's lips part slightly and a thick blackish yellow liquid drools out between her teeth. She grins. 59 EN - CAB Outside, the forest is very dark. The unseen force moves from the wooded area, pushing over small trees and shrubs as it advances. The cottage comes into view and the evil entity glides up to it. The figure of a girl in the cabin window can be seen looking out. The force stops and moves behind a bush. 60 IN - M.R. Inside, SHELLY is studying the woods. SHELLY Scotty, I...I think there's some- thing out there. SCOTT joins her at the window and looks out. 61 EN - CAB From within the woods, this force watches SCOTT peer out, but he can see nothing. Through the window he says some- thing to reassure SHELLY and moves away. 62 IN - M.R. Inside, SCOTT can be heard in mid sentence. SCOTT ...Is to get some rest. Ash and I can stay up with Cheryl. SHELLY Okay. SCOTT Everything's gonna be okay. Come morning- you'll see. SHELLY heads to her bedroom. SCOTT walks back to the fireplace and sits. He slices twigs from a branch with the Sumarian dagger and tosses them into the fire. ASHLY glances at the Book Of The Dead, then to the old clock. It stands silent. 63 EN - CAB Again, the evil entity watches from outside. It sees SHELLY leave one room and turn the lights on in another. She begins to undress near the window. The force now moves from behind its cover and rushes at tremendous speed to SHELLY who is looking out her bedroom window. She sees it and sheer terror covers her face as a scream stifles itself in her throat, but it is too late. 64 IN - M.R. A noise is heard from SHELLY's bedroom. SCOTT drops the small stick he was whittling and looks up. He places the dagger on the floor and walks toward SHELLY's room. SCOTT Shelly, are you okay? She does not answer. SCOTT approaches her door and turns to ASHLY. SCOTT Keep an eye on Cheryl for a minute. 65 IN - S.B. SCOTT enters the darkness of her room and sees nothing amidst the shadows. SCOTT Shelly? He looks over to her window. It is open, and wind blows upon the curtains. 66 IN - S. BATH SCOTT steps into SHELLY's bathroom and sees that the shower curtain is drawn. Cautiously, he moves up to it. SCOTT Shelly? He pulls the curtain back to reveal an empty tub. SCOTT turns back to the bedroom when SHELLY steps into the doorway, posessed. With a scream, she latches upon SCOTT. Her eyes have gone bone white and she claws at SCOTT's face and clothes with her nails. 67 IN - S.B. Screaming, SCOTT stumbles through her bedroom with SHELLY still upon him biting at his throat. 68 IN - M.R. They stagger into the main room where SCOTT manages to knock SHELLY off himself and into the fireplace. She remains motionless as her head smolders upon the hot coals. SCOTT rushes to her, grabs an arm and pulls her out. SHELLY's face and hair on one side of her head are seared and blackened. She blinks her eyes open, turns her charred head to SCOTT, and speaks in a rasp. SHELLY Thank you. I don't know what I would have done if I had remained on the hot coals burning my pretty flesh. You have pretty skin- give it to us! Cackling, SHELLY clutches SCOTT's neck and begins throttl- ing the life out of him with a vice-like grip. He tries to break the hold but cannot. ASHLY also tries but with a backhand blow, SHELLY knocks him into a cabinet, smash- ing it to bits. A garbled cry for help escapes from SCOTT's frothing mouth. SHELLY reaches down, picks up the Sumarian dagger, and holding SCOTT by his throat with one hand, she raises the dagger with the other. ASHLY, slightly injured, crawls to his feet. SCOTT grabs her raised arm and although choking, swings his camping knife from its side sheath and slices deep into SHELLY's raised wrist, almost severing it. A murky black ooze pumps from the wound. She emits an ear splitting- howl and tightens her grip on SCOTT's throat. He drops the hunting knife. ASHLY watches terrified, unable to move as SHELLY raises her dangling hand (Still clutching the dagger) to her mouth and bites it off. The useless part falls to the floor with the dagger still firmly in its fist. SCOTT, now almost dead, grabs her severed hand clutching the dagger and in a last attempt, swings it around ramming the blade into her spine. SHELLY screetches along with CHERYL in the cellar, the old grandfather clock gongs and lightning strikes all at the same instant. SHELLY reaches around with her remaining arm to clutch at the severed hand and knife protruding from her own back. A thick black ooze pours from the wound as she bends backward screaming. ASHLY stands in horror, clutching the axe, unable to move. Black ooze runs from SHELLY's mouth as her body writhes about spasmatically upon the floor. Gradually, the move- ments cease and she is dead. As SCOTT slowly stands to his feet, SHELLY's arm grabs his leg. SCOTT Ahhhhhhh! Some force reanimates her, even though the body is dead. ASHLY No...no...no... SCOTT Hit her! SHELLY's body is hoisted up, jerking about to its feet, and laughing madly. SCOTT Hit it! SCOTT screams this as he backs toward ASHLY who stands with the axe, paralyzed. Gurgling black ooze, SHELLY advances toward them with one remaining arm. SCOTT grabs the axe from ASHLY, pushes him away and slams it into her. Lightning flashes, thunder booms, and CHERYL screams from the cellar. SCOTT brings his axe down again and again in a frenzy. Then, after the final chop, there is silence. SHELLY's body remains on the floor for quite some time- until ASHLY can cope with the fact that she is dead and something must be done. ASHLY Uh...Scott. SCOTT Yeah. ASHLY What is uh...what are we gonna do? SCOTT Bury her. ASHLY You...can't bury Shelly. She's a friend of ours isn't she? SCOTT Ash, she's dead. ASHLY moves away from SCOTT. SCOTT Shelly's dead. We're gonna bury her now. ASHLY bites his lip and looks about blankly. 69 EN - CAB Finally, the body is dragged outside and buried near the work shed. Harsh floodlights from the house make the task look very stark and barren. 70 IN - M.R. SCOTT and ASHLY return inside. ASHLY heads to LINDA's room to check in on her. 71 IN - L.B. He peers in to see LINDA sleeping peacefully. 72 IN - M.R. ASHLY quietly returns to the main room. SCOTT is load- ing new batteries into a flashlight. SCOTT I saw an old hiking trail when we were driving up here. Now I don't know if it goes all the way around that gorge- ASHLY -Or if it's even still in tact. SCOTT Or if it's even still in tact. But uh, I guess I'll find out. Take good care of Linda. ASHLY I will. Do you have everything? SCOTT (Putting on a small back pack) Yeah- all set. ASHLY Listen...Scotty...I'm sorry about falling apart like that when- SCOTT Don't bother, really. He steps out the door. SCOTT If I find a way out of here, I'll mark it and then come back. Then if I'm not back here in a few hours... if for some reason...well, if I don't come back, grab Linda, leg and all, and just get her the hell out of here. They shake hands. ASHLY You're a good man. SCOTT Good, I'm the best. 73 EN - CAB ASHLY smiles a good-bye to SCOTT and watches him move off into the night. He lingers for a moment by SHELLY's grave, then slowly disappears into the woods. 74 IN - M.R. ASHLY closes the door and turns back to the main room. He sees CHERYL's eyes through the crack in the cellar. She has been watching all of this through a space be- tween the trap door and floor. ASHLY walks past her to LINDA's room. 75 IN - L.B. He opens the door and a crack of light falls across her. LINDA wakes up. LINDA Who's there? Ash? ASHLY It's me Linda. LINDA Ash, I had a bad dream about Linda. ASHLY You did baby? LINDA Yeah. She's all right isn't she? ASHLY Yeah. Fine. LINDA Is Shelly okay too Ash? ASHLY can no longer hide his fear and anxiety. He speaks in a whisper so as not to let his voice quiver. ASHLY Yeah, sure. She's sleeping that's all. LINDA Ash, I love you. (She turns over) ASHLY Get some rest. ASHLY closes the door behind him and the fear from a few hours ago engulfs him once more. 76 IN - M.R. ASHLY moves into the main room and stops dead in his tracks when a voice in the cellar speaks. CHERYL You lied to her. You lied to Linda. Shelly's not sleeping. She's dead. Don't you know the difference? You killed her. You and Scott cut her up with the axe. She's dead ha-ha-ha-ha- ha-ha- ASHLY picks up the axe and slams it down upon the trap door. CHERYL is silent from below for a moment, then the hatch opens an inch or so. (The length of the chain securing it) CHEYL's white eyes can be seen again. CHERYL Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY takes the axe and steps outside. 77 EN - CAB He begins to chop wood, taking out his emotions upon the logs with each blow. SHELLY's blood can still be seen on the blade of the axe. 78 IN - M.R. From her dungeon, CHERYL watches ASHLY chop wood in the window. The shadow of his axe rising then striking is seen over her white eyes. 79 EN - CAB Exhausted, ASHLY puts down the axe. He looks off into the woods but there is no sign of SCOTT. He returns to the cabin. 80 IN - M.R. CHERYL begins her taunting again. CHERYL Soon all of you will be like me and then who will lock you in the cellar? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- CHERYL begins to violently ram her fists against the trap door. ASHLY walks by her to LINDA's room. 81 IN - L.B. She is still asleep. Quietly, so as not to wake her, ASHLY pulls back her blanket exposing the bandaged leg. He re- moves the wrappings and looks at the wound. As he does this, it infects with a blackened coloration at an in- credible speed. ASHLY looks up to see if LINDA is still sleeping and sees that she has been watching him with white eyes and an evil grimace upon her face. She lets out a low growl. 82 IN - M.R. ASHLY jolts backwards out of her room to escape through the front door. He steps outside and stops to look back in. He can see the main room, but finds it difficult to see in LINDA's room, being lost in the shadows. Something ragged and bloody grabs him. It is SCOTT's mutilated body ripped and torn to shreds. He is still alive. ASHLY looks behind him through the door to LINDA's room. He can barely make out LINDA who sits on the bed watching him with glaring white eyes. ASHLY helps SCOTT to the couch so he can sit. SCOTT is in agony and can barely speak. SCOTT Ash, I think I'm dying. Jesus, I can't feel my legs. ASHLY Uh...uh Scotty you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be just fine- you'll see. He throws another log on the fire. ASHLY You'll see. He looks off into LINDA's bedroom again, but she is gone. She is now sitting in the corner of the main room where ASHLY is, watching him. SCOTT begins to cough with hor- rible rasping sounds. SCOTT It's, it's not gonna let us leave... Cheryl...Cheryl was right...we're all gonna die here... ASHLY We're not gonna die! SCOTT ...All gonna die. All of us. ASHLY grabs SCOTT and shakes him violently. ASHLY We're not gonna die! We're not gonna die! We're getting out of here! Now listen to me- is there a way around the chasm. SCOTT passes out. ASHLY Scotty. Scott! ASHLY slaps SCOTT. He stirs awake and mumbles. SCOTT Jesus Ash. I don't want to die. So... so lonely to die like this. You're not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash? CHERYL (Imitating SCOTT) I don't want to die. So lonely to die like this. You're not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY Scott, is there some way around the chasm? SCOTT Ash, I'm scared- I...I can't feel my legs. ASHLY Scott, listen to me please, for God's sake. Is there a way around the chasm? SCOTT There is...one way, the trail...but the trees, they know...don't you see- they're alive!! They're ali-ahhhhhhh! His sentence is cut short as he cries out in sharp pain. Blood dribbles from his nostrils and he doubles over grabbing his stomach. LINDA begins to laugh. ASHLY looks to her, or rather what posesses her with hatred. ASHLY Shut up! She continues to laugh. CHERYL in the cellar joins in the laughter. ASHLY walks to LINDA and slaps her but she continues. He grabs a hunting rifle from a rack on the wall, loads it with shells, flips off the safety and places the barrels against LINDA's head. ASHLY God forgive me Linda. The laughter stops and her eyes return to normal. It is LINDA again. ASHLY puts down the rifle. LINDA Ash, oh Ash, help Me! Please. She hugs him tightly. LINDA Don't let them take me away again, please, please, please. ASHLY (Crying and holding her tightly) I won't, I won't- I promise. CHERYL's voice is heard from the blackness of the cellar. CHERYL Ashly? Ashly, help me. Let me out of here. I'm all right now. ASHLY releases LINDA and moves cautiously to the cellar. LINDA remains behind nervously fumbling with her necklace. CHERYL I'm all right now, Ashly. I'm all right. Come unlock this chain and let me out. ASHLY Cheryl? There is no reply from the cellar. ASHLY looks through the crack but sees only darkness. He reaches for the chain and begins to unlock it, but sensing something wrong, he stops. ASHLY Cheryl? He puts his ear to the floor listening for the slight- est sound. CHERYL's arms rip through the floor boards and grab ASHLY's head. He breaks away and her hand reaches for the chain but cannot quite grasp it. Slowly it withdraws beneath the floor. CHERYL (A little too sweet) Ash, what are you doing? This is your sister Cheryl. Don't you recognize me? Her voice drifts off, and the evil leughter resumes from the celler. ASHLY (Crying and yelling to the cellar) You bastards! Why are you doing this? Why? There is silence for a moment. Laughter from behind him begins again. It is LINDA. Her eyes are white once more, and she laughs at ASHLY. ASHLY Oh...Linda. With newly found courage, ASHLY angrily grabs LINDA by the legs and drags her outside. 83 EN - CAB LINDA It's useless, useless, useless. In time we'll come for him, then you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY leaves her in the woods and runs back to the cabin, closing the door behind him. 84 IN - M.R. SCOTT is coughing again. SCOTT Ash, Ash, please...I don't want to die- but...but I can't stand this pain. It hurts Ash. Gimme something. Gimme something to put me out. ASHLY Scott, I can't. I- I know it's bad. But I can't be alone now, I can't. I'd lose my mind. SCOTT Please Ash, please. ASHLY You'll get better- you'll see. LINDA's laughter is faintly heard outside. ASHLY moves to the window and pulls back the curtain. LINDA is no longer in the woods but sitting at the edge of the clear- ing, watching ASHLY with her glowing white eyes. ASHLY Yeah, tomorrow, soon, you'll be better and we'll both get out of here tomorrow. SCOTT There is no tomorrow! You- you've got to kill her and cut- cut her up- your sister too. ASHLY No, that was only with Shelly. You had to with Shelly. You- Linda loves me. You're delirious- I...I'll get you some water. ASHLY places a glass to Scott's lips. ASHLY Now, now the sun will be up in an hour or so and we'll get out of here ...together. You, me, Linda, Shelly- n-no not Shelly, she- we'll all go home together. Wouldn't you like to be going home? You'd like that I'd bet, wouldn't ya? There is no answer from SCOTT. The water runs out of his mouth. ASHLY ...Scott. SCOTT is dead. LINDA's laughter is heard again. ASHLY walks to the window and pulls back the curtain. There is nothing there. He turns and she is there! With the Sumarian dagger, LINDA rips into ASHLY's shirt, cutting his arm. He screams and watches in horror as she runs her tongue over the dagger, licking the blood from it. She turns her attention toward ASHLY again but he grabs her and they struggle. LINDA backs ASHLY up against SCOTT, knocking his body to the floor. CHERYL's gnarled arm reaches up through the broken floor boards and grabs at ASHLY's foot. He manages to turn LINDA's arm so the knife is behind her back. Forcefully, ASHLY pushes her over the body of SCOTT and she falls back- ward upon the dagger, impaling herself upon it. The blade tears into her back and rips through her stomach. Lightning flashes, thunder roars, and LINDA screams in a deep growl once, then all is quiet. ASHLY drags LINDA's corpse past the crumpled body of SCOTT, past CHERYL, who watches all of this from below, through the back door and out to the work shed. 85 IN - W.S. He lifts her up onto the work bench and secures her body to it with a number of chains which hang from nails along the wall. He rips down a tarp hanging on the wall to reveal a chain saw. He starts it up and moves toward her. Buzzing madly, the saw is lowered to a position several inches above LINDA's neck. ASHLY looks into LINDA's face. Her eyes have gone back to blue. He turns off the saw. ASHLY (In a whisper) Linda... He drops the saw and breaks down crying over LINDA's body. 86 EN - CAB An evening mist drifts out of the woods and cloaks the shed as ASHLY carries LINDA's body outside for burial. He lays the body upon the ground and picks up a shovel. Harsh floodlights from the corners of the cabin create strange shadows on the ground as ASHLY digs LINDA's grave. She lies on her back during the digging. One of her eyes opens. It is white. ASHLY drops the shovel and looks at her. She appears to be dead. 87 IN - M.R. Inside the cabin, CHERYL begins slamming her fists against the trap door in the cellar again. She wants out. The screws holding the hatch in place begin to loosen. 88 EN - CAB ASHLY places LINDA's corpse in the grave, oblivious to CHERYL's pounding. He begins to cover her with dirt. 89 IN - M.R. CHERYL has ripped out all but one screw which holds the trap door in tact. 90 EN - CAB ASHLY glances to the grave and sees LINDA's necklace on top of the dirt mound. He reaches down to pick it up when LINDA's hand shoots up from beneath the grave and grabs him! She pulls herself up out of the grave scream- ing and clutches ASHLY's leg with a black and bloodied hand. He twists around, trying to free himself, but she will not let go. By now, LINDA is almost completely out of the grave. With her fingernails, she rips into ASHLY's leg, tearing his skin. Screaming, he picks up a large log nearby and swings it roundhouse into her face again and again, breaking the wood into smaller bits. She grabs the log with him clinging to the other end, lifts him up and throws ASHLY log and all, away from her. ASHLY hits the ground with considerable force and for the first time begins to comprehend the power of this thing he is dealing with. Thick black ooze pours from LINDA's nose and mouth as she turns toward ASHLY sprawled on the ground. ASHLY Stay back. His hand gropes for the handle of the spade. LINDA advances toward him, laughing. ASHLY Linda please, if you can still hear me. Keep away. His fingers tighten on the wooden handle. With a scream, she lunges toward him. From the ground, ASHLY swings the spade upward, lopping off her head. The head falls into the mud, but the body falls upon him, grabbing and jerk- ing about spasmatically. Thick black ooze pumps from her neck and ASHLY manages to pull himself out from underneath the body. He backs away in disgust and falls. He picks himself up again and sees LINDA's necklace upon the ground. ASHLY stashes it in his pocket and staggers back to the cabin. 91 IN - M.R. Inside, he looks to the main room beyond SCOTT's body. ASHLY Oh..... It is a moan from deep inside him. The trap door is open and CHERYL is gone. ASHLY walks over and kicks it shut. A slight breeze sweeps through the front door causing SHELLY's bedroom door to creak open. ASHLY picks up the rifle again and cautiously moves to the door. 92 IN - S.B. He enters. The room is dark and the closet door bangs back and forth because of the breeze. ASHLY moves toward it, grabs the handle and slowly opens the door. Only clothes are inside. He turns toward the other end of the room and CHERYL pops up in the window right by him. He swings and fires, shattering the window. CHERYL backs away and spots the open front door. ASHLY The door... He makes a mad dash through SHELLY's room. 93 IN - M.R. In the main room, ASHLY races for the door. 94 EN - CAB Outside, CHERYL is almost upon the door. 95 IN - MR ASHLY arrives in time, but CHERYL has already started reaching in. He slams the door on her fingers and rams his gun butt down upon them. Horrible screams are heard as CHERYL withdraws her hand. ASHLY is able to slam the door and bolt it. He runs to the back entrance lead- ing to the shed and locks it also. On his way back to the main room, he pumps his rifle in preparation. It is his last shell. ASHLY (To himself) More shells. Where did I see that box of shells? 96 IN - C From the basement, the trap door lifts open and ASHLY decends. The bottom step, now rotten, breaks under his weight, and ASHLY sprawls to the floor. Slowly, he picks himself up and walks through the dividing stone doorway beneath the water pipes to a small table. On it, he finds the box of shells and quickly loads them into the gun. He ascends the steps and enters the main room once more. 97 IN - M.R. The sound of ticking catches ASHLY's attention. He looks up to see the old grandfather clock slowly winding back- wards. He watches and waits tensely. Turning carefully, ASHLY tries to monitor all the windows. The ticking grows louder. A shadow passes in the window before him and he fires, shattering the glass into a million pieces. Wind whips through the cabin swirling glass and leaves to the floor. ASHLY waits, leaning against the front door for something to happen. He is tense and more determined than ever to survive. He whispers to himself. ASHLY C'mon, c'mon, get it over with, why are you torturing me like this? Placing his hand to his side, ASHLY discovers something in his pocket. He lifts it to his eyes. It is LINDA's necklace. ASHLY ...Linda. (He whispers) The ticking stops. He tilts his head for the slightest sound. All is silent. From behind, two arms rip through the door and grab him. ASHLY tears away and falls to the floor. The necklace is tossed away in the confusion. CHERYL's hands pull away and she looks through a hole in the door. From the floor, ASHLY raises his rifle and fires at her head. 98 EN - CAB Clutching at her face and screaming horribly, CHERYL is jolted from the door. 99 IN - M.R. ASHLY places a dresser and chair against the holes in the door. Behind ASHLY, SCOTT's corpse sits up and opens its white eyes. It stands and moves toward ASHLY. He turns with the gun, but SCOTT knocks it out of his hands. Desperately, ASHLY grabs a table lamp and shatters it across SCOTT's head, then jams the exposed socket into his face, shocking him. SCOTT staggers back several steps, then continues after ASHLY. 100 EN - CAB Outside, Cheryl is now pounding against the front door. 101 IN - M.R. ASHLY picks up a small table upon which are the Book Of The Dead, and the professors journal. He throws it at SCOTT. This does not affect him, and he advances closer. The Book Of The Dead lands near the fireplace and edges of the paper darken from the heat. SCOTT picks up ASHLY and begins to throttle him as if he were a rag doll. The front door begins to give under CHERYL's pounding. ASHLY brings his hands to SCOTT's eyes. With a crash, CHERYL breaks through the front door and begins to push the dresser away. Pages from the Book Of The Dead are smolder- ing now. ASHLY jams his fingers into SCOTT's eyes and slips from the grip. SCOTT clutches his eye sockets and his back begins to smolder. ASHLY now sees the book. Its pages burn at the edge. CHERYL topples the dresser and enters the room. Her face is partially torn away from the shot gun blast. ASHLY rushes to throw the book onto the burning logs, but CHERYL, smoldering also, gives him a backhand blow across the head, and he is sent sprawling to the floor. She grabs a fireplace poker with her crushed fingers and turns back to ASHLY who is crawl- ing toward the fireplace. When almost in reach of the book, SCOTT grabs his leg and begins to pull ASHLY back- ward. CHERYL approaches with smoke pouring from her clothes and slams ASHLY across the back with her poker. ASHLY screams. A glitter catches his eye. It is LINDA's necklace. Grabbing it, he tosses the end with a clasp toward the book. It slides off the cover. SCOTT pulls him back once more as ASHLY swings the necklace in a last desperate attempt. CHERYL raises the poker for the final blow. The necklace drapes over the book and as ASHLY is dragged, the clasp hooks the cover and pulls the book with him. With a yank, he seizes the book and tosses it upon the blaze. CHERYL and SCOTT freeze. The Book Of The Dead burns in a bluish green flame. Smoke pours from SCOTT and CHERYL as distant demonical screams are heard from the woods. The fireplace poker slips from CHERYL's hand and sticks into the wood scarcely an inch from ASHLY's head. The bodies of SCOTT and CHERYL then begin to cave inward upon themselves, collapsing to the floor in smoldering heaps. Finally, nothing is left but the burnt clothing and a blackish grey ooze on the floor where their bodies once were. The old clock begins to tick again, normally. ASHLY slowly climbs to his feet to stand above the fuming debris. Open- ing his hand, he looks down at LINDA's necklace. The force retreats from him, out the door, slowly returning to the darkness from which it emerged. Gradually, the natural sounds of the forest swell and trees lose their gloom as Autumn colors return. The first rays of sunlight gleam over the woods beyond the cabin. Daybreak has finally come.BOOK OF THE DEAD "The Ultimate Experience In Grueling Terror" By Sam Raimi 10/13/79 SCENE CODING Interior - I Exterior - E Day - D Night - N Twilight - T LOCATION CODING CAR - Car B - Bridge CAB - Surrounding area outside cabin W - Woods M.R. - Main Room D.R. - Dining Room K - Kitchen C - Cellar W.S. - Work Shed L.B. - Linda's Bedroom S.B. - Shelly's Bedroom C.B. - Cheryl's Bedroom B.T.R- Bathroom EXAMPLE 12 ID - D.R. TRANSLATION Scene #12, Interior, Day, Dining Room 1 ED - W Something evil is lurking deep withing the wooded moun- tains of Tennessee, and the camera takes its point of view. Rising from a swampy bog, the mud slides from view allowing it to see early morning mist hanging about the forest. Creeping silently past trees, gliding over small shrubs, it moves onward through the woods until a mammoth oak rests directly in its path. The tree is uprooted by this unseen force, and falls with a deafening crash. 2 ED - CAR Near by, a stretch of highway curves along the base of a mountain. The road winds off into oblivion beyond other peaks. From behind view, the rumble of an engine can be heard. It is a large logging truck headed south. Moving away, the truck becomes smaller until finally it disap- pears in the distance. From where the truck emerged, a dilapidated gold 1973 Oldsmobile comes into view. 3 ID - CAR Inside, five people can be seen. They are couples ASHLY and LINDA, SCOTT and SHELLY, and CHERYL, ASHLY's sister. Both SCOTT and SHELLY wear "Michigan State" T-shirts, and are students along with the others at that univer- sity. SCOTT is driving and SHELLY sits next to him up front. ASHLY, LINDA and CHERYL are in back. They listen to an old "Baby Moses And The Thrillers" song on the radio, and SHELLY is slapping the dash board as if it were a drum. SHELLY (Singing with the music)... Together, forever... SCOTT Ash, where are we? ASHLY I'll tell ya in a second. Now we're still on seventy-five just past the county border... 4 ED - W Once again, the camera takes the point of view of the dark and brooding force which stops atop a forest ridge to peer downward. Its view focuses upon the 1973 Olds- mobile speeding along the narrow highway below. 5 ID - CAR ASHLY traces a route on the map with his finger. ASHLY ...Which would put us...which would put us... SCOTT Jesus Christ, just tell us already will ya? ASHLY zeroes in on the map with his finger. ASHLY ...Right... SCOTT is growing impatient. ASHLY ...Right... SCOTT Yes? ASHLY Here! Suddenly, the radio stops, and the steering wheel jerks from SCOTT's hand. 6 ED - CAR The car screetches out of control into the opposite lane. A large oncoming tanker truck with its horn screaming races toward the car on a collision coarse. 7 ID - CAR SHELLY Scotty, watch out! 8 ED - CAR The truck races closer. 9 ID - CAR Their steering wheel is locked. ASHLY Turn! 10 ED - CAR At the last possible instant, SCOTT's wheel again can be controlled, and the car swerves sharply back into its own lane. 11 ED - CAR The truck speeds harmlessly past them. 12 ID - CAR ASHLY Damn it Scott, what the hell was that? You trying to kill us? SCOTT Don't yell at me, it's your lousy steering wheel. The damn thing jerked right out of my hand. ASHLY I can't understand it. I just had this thing in for a tune-up. SHELLY Radio's dead too, ace. ASHLY And I just had 'em tune up the whole thing yesterday. SCOTT Well, then take it back 'cause the damn thing don't work. Only thing that works on the whole car is the lousy horn. SCOTT honks the horn. 13 ED - CAR Several local MEN walking down the highway respond to the horn by waving. 14 ID - CAR SCOTT yells out the window at them. SCOTT Aw, go to hell, I'm not waving at ya! He looks in the rear view mirror. The MEN are still wav- ing in the distance. SCOTT turns back to drive. SCOTT Jesus Christ. SHELLY turns around in the front seat and holds up a pint of Scotch. SHELLY Well, I'd like to make a toast. To Scott who almost killed us. SCOTT Aw, eat shit and die will ya? SHELLY and the others laugh. SHELLY Okay, okay- then to a wild week-end in a wonderful cabin with good friends, (She glances at SCOTT) provided we live that long. SHELLY cooly drinks from the Scotch and passes the bottle back to ASHLY and LINDA. ASHLY pours LINDA a drink in the bottle cap and keeps the bottle. They raise their drinks. ASHLY and LINDA ...With good friends. They toast, drink and react to the strong liquor. ASHLY tries to hide his reaction to the Scotch in front of LINDA, since SHELLY had reacted so calmly. ASHLY passes the bottle to CHERYL who stops him with a polite "No, thank you," then back up front to SCOTT. LINDA Hey Scotty, what's this place like anyway? SCOTT Well, the guy that's renting it says it's an old place, little run down, but it's right up in the mountains- totally secluded. (He takes a drink from the bottle) Best part is, we get it so cheap. LINDA Why are we getting it so cheap? SCOTT I don't know, might be in real bad shape. CHERYL You mean nobody's seen this place yet? SCOTT Not yet. ASHLY Might not be too bad. LINDA No... ASHLY Actually, it might be very nice. LINDA Yeah... SHELLY It's probably a real pit. CHERYL I can't believe that we're renting a place for a week-end that nobody's seen. SCOTT (Mumbling to himself) Jesus Christ, not this again... CHERYL (Turning to ASHLY) You know, mom and dad would never let us go up to a place like this if they knew- ASHLY -Which is exactly why they don't know. I'll tell you who I am gonna call. The guys that fixed up this car. 15 ED - CAR The car approaches an exit along the highway. 16 ID - CAR ASHLY glances at the map again. ASHLY Hey, I think this is where we get off. 17 ED - CAR The car turns off the main highway and follows several back roads until it approaches a narrow dirt lane that winds upward along a twin set of mountains. 18 ID - CAR SCOTT glances up to the peaks. SCOTT These mountains seem familiar. LINDA What do they remind you of? Some- thing majestic? Adventure? SCOTT Yeah, more like adventure. LINDA Any adventure in particular? SCOTT Shelly's sweater. ASHLY and SCOTT laugh out loud. LINDA laughs quietly, and CHERYL lets out an embarassed giggle to herself. SHELLY (Teasing) Oooh, you're gonna get it Scotty, when you least expect it, you're gonna get it good. 19 ED - B Finally, the car arrives at a wooden bridge extending over a great chasm. Carefully, the vehicle crosses. 20 ED - CAB It is late afternoon when they eventually arrive at their destination. The small wooden cabin is surrounded by thick dark woods. SCOTT shuts off the car but it contin- ues to sputter and backfire. 21 ID - CAR ASHLY reacts to his car. ASHLY I...I sent 'em a check for the tune-up. but I'm just not paying for it. LINDA This place is perfect. CHERYL The woods come awfully close to the house don't they? SCOTT So what's wrong with the woods, they can't bite ya. CHERYL It's just a little claustrophobic that's all. LINDA Well, I think it's beautiful. SHELLY Me too, it's gonna be a bomb week- end. 22 ED - CAB SCOTT moves to the front door of the cabin where he finds a small ring of keys concealed on the shelf above the door. ASHLY unloads the car to the others. SCOTT It's supposed to be one of these on here. After trying several keys, he is able to unlock the door. 23 ID - M.R. The interior of the cabin is completely dark. SCOTT opens the door and stands silhouetted in the doorway for a moment, then enters to find the light switch. The illumination reveals floors, walls, and ceilings made of cedar. There are two small bedrooms, a kitchen, and the main room which contains a stone fireplace set into the wall. An old grandfather clock stands silently in one corner, partially hidden in the shadows. A door in the rear of the cabin leads to a small work shed containing a work bench and an assortment of tools upon the wall. Located centrally in the main room is a trap door leading to the cellar. This catches SCOTT's eye. SCOTT Hey, this place has a dungeon. CHERYL puts down a case of art supplies, and moves over to SCOTT by the trap door. He unlocks a chain securing the trap door with one of his keys and hands the ring to SHELLY. SCOTT Put these back will you? SHELLY leaves with the keys, and SCOTT tries to open the hatch but cannot. SCOTT They nailed it shut. CHERYL Good, I don't like cellars. Probably just some garbage down there anyways. SCOTT Cheryl, they don't nail garbage in cellars. I mean it's not going to try and get out or anything. CHERYL Well, what's down there? SCOTT Well, could be any number of things. Old baseball cards, mushrooms, dead bodies- LINDA Hey, look at this! LINDA is standing in the corner next to the old grand- father clock. She repositions a balance weight, and it begins to tick. LINDA Ta daaaaaa! The others applaud and whistle. LINDA smiles. 24 ET - CAB The cabin is seen from the outside. Twilight has come. 25 IT - M.R. CHERYL sits alone in the living room near the window. She is drawing sketches of the old clock. As she works, the ticking stops unexpectedly. CHERYL puts down her pencil and looks up to the clock. It stands silently in the cor- ner with its hands frozen in position. There is a rust- ling from the woods. CHERYL looks out the window but can see only the trees. Something is moving outside, yet re- mains hidden within the forest. A gust of wind fills the room. CHERYL glances down at her hand. It turns a pale white and begins to shake and jerk about uncontrollably. She stares on incredulously as her hand, guided by some unseen force picks up the pencil and begins to sketch a figure upon her pad. The wind gales through the open window but dies down slowly as her hand completes the drawing. Whatever was at the edge of the woods has now retreated further into them. Her hand loses the pale cast and is now under control once more. CHERYL picks up her pad of paper. The likeness of a book with some form of ancient writing on its cover has been sketched. She looks to the woods which are now silent. A snapping of wood is heard from the cellar. CHERYL quickly turns to the trap door still nailed shut in the floor. Pos- sibly just a mouse, but she fixes her gaze upon it. Another sound, almost like faint breathing comes from the cellar. 26 IT - K/M.R. ASHLY and LINDA enter from the kitchen. ASHLY is drink- ing a beer and moves over to CHERYL. He stands between her and the trap door. ASHLY What're you drawing Cheryl? He picks up the piece of paper. LINDA looks over his shoulder to glance at it. CHERYL I...I don't know. ASHLY Is it a bible? CHERYL No, no it's no bible. (She glances again at the cellar, knowing some- thing is down there) I don't know what it is. LINDA Well, this one of the clock's not bad. LINDA picks up the sketch and walks over to the clock with it a few steps away. She stands comparing it to the real thing with her back to CHERYL and ASHLY. She is only a few inches from the trap door, and CHERYL wants to call out in warning when ASHLY kneels in front of her to speak secretly. ASHLY (In a whisper) I got it right here. He taps something in his shirt pocket. CHERYL is looking past him paying no attention. She watches only LINDA's feet, waiting for whatever is in the cellar to grab them. LINDA looks at the drawing in comparison. LINDA Cheryl, this is really good. I like how you did the numbers in that wood- ish style. ASHLY produces a small box from his shirt and opens it quickly to show CHERYL. It contains a gold pendant on a necklace. LINDA takes a step closer to the clock. She is now standing almost upon the trap door. Although nailed shut, it opens slightly, pulling the nails with it. CHERYL gasps. ASHLY is pleased with her response. ASHLY (Still in a whisper) I knew you'd like it. Quickly, he places it back in his shirt and touches his lips with a finger to indicate the secrecy of his sup- rise. LINDA returns with the sketch and places it back on CHERYL's small drawing table. LINDA It's really good Cheryl. Very close to the origional. CHERYL (In a relieved whisper) Yes, very close. LINDA I'm gonna check dinner. LINDA returns to the kitchen and ASHLY turns to CHERYL. ASHLY You better get washed up. I'll see ya in there. He winks, then follows LINDA into the kitchen. CHERYL again looks at the cellar. Slowly, from her point of view, the camera moves in toward the trap door, wait- ing...waiting. 27 IT - K A blender screams as it mixes up a drink in the kitchen. SHELLY shuts it off and carries it to the dining room. 28 IT - D.R. She joins the others who are now seated at the dinner table and serves the mixture. SCOTT sits between LINDA and CHERYL. He leans over to CHERYL. SCOTT (In a whisper) Dead bodies in the cellar, dead bodies in the cellar... CHERYL Will you stop it? LINDA Scott, leave her alone will ya? SCOTT turns toward LINDA. SCOTT Will you relax, I'm just kidding around. She can take a joke- He stops talking as he hears the trickling of water. He turns to see CHERYL finish pouring a glass of water in his lap. The others laugh. SCOTT is silent for a moment, then begins chuckling to himself. He turns to CHERYL. SCOTT (Jokingly) I'll get ya. With a napkin, he blots the water from his pants. SCOTT I'll get ya for this Cheryl. ASHLY stands with his drink and raises the glass. ASHLY I'd like to make a toast for all here this evening. As a greek friend of mine once said, "Nis-hat-nis-fert- dis-ruben-tu-tar-im." LINDA Which means? SCOTT Party down! The laughter is stifled by a loud snap and cracking of wood heard from the main room. SCOTT What the hell... All stand from the table and hurry to the main room. 29 IN - M.R. The nails that held down the trap door have been ripped out, and although still in tact, the hatch is wide open. They stand silently in front of it, looking blank as to what could have done this. CHERYL is slighly more nervous than the others. ASHLY is the first to speak. ASHLY (Slowly) What is this? SCOTT Whatever it is, it's still down there. CHERYL I don't like cellars, let's close it up. (She does not want to deal with it) It's probably just some animal. SCOTT An animal?! An an...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- that's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life. Jesus Christ. SCOTT locates a flashlight and peers into the hole. He traces the old wooden steps into darkness with his light. LINDA Maybe it is just some animal. SCOTT Yeah, probably right. It's probably just some animal. Uh...Cheryl, why don't you make sure. He hands the flashlight to CHERYL who quickly gives it back. CHERYL Scotty, I'm not going down there! SCOTT Okay, okay you cowards, I'll go. LINDA Scotty don't. You're crazy if you go down there. Why don't you wait until morning. SCOTT Look, I'll be all right. SHELLY What melodrama! What courage! A kiss my brave hero. SCOTT kisses SHELLY and with flashlight in hand, he descends the narrow steps into the cellars blackness. SHELLY I, your virgin queen eagerly await the precious moment when you will ascend. SCOTT Virgin queen?! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- He disappears below the floor. SHELLY, CHERYL, LINDA and ASHLY wait above. ASHLY (Calling down) Hey Scott, see any- thing? There is no answer. ASHLY Hey Scott!...Scott! SHELLY He's just kidding around. There is silence. SHELLY Isn't he? No sounds come from the cellar. ASHLY Linda, get me a flashlight. LINDA That's the only one we brought up. ASHLY spots a lantern on the fireplace mantle. ASHLY Then get that lantern. LINDA brings it over. ASHLY opens the kerosene valve, lights the wick, and descends into the basement. 30 IN - C Down below, ASHLY moves quietly past the old stone walls and wooden beams which support the main floor above. In front of him stands an old door which leads to another section of the cellar. Cautiously, he moves toward it. Before he can touch it, the door swings open slowly with a moan. ASHLY moves through the doorway and deeper into the cellar. Condensation from water pipes above turn the cellar into an echo chamber as drips fall into shallow pools on the dirt floor below. As ASHLY scans with his light, he spots a shadow move out the corner of his eye. ASHLY Scott? ASHLY breaks into a cold sweat as he moves away from the area where the shadow passed. He backs sqarely into a pair of arms which grab him. ASHLY Ahhhhhhh! It is only SCOTT behind him. ASHLY What the hell are you doing down here, jerkin' off? How come you didn't answer me? SCOTT When? ASHLY Just now, I mean upstairs. SCOTT I didn't hear you. ASHLY Oh well, did you find anything? SCOTT Uh-uh. ASHLY What's this? SCOTT sweeps his light to another corner and reveals several items atop a small table. Beneath a dusty cloth, he finds a book which appears to be covered in some sort of animal hide, with an ancient form of writing on the cover. Along with this book, SCOTT and ASHLY uncover a reel to reel tape recorder, an ancient dagger, and other parapanalia including a box of rifle shells. 31 EN - CAB It is evening as darkness surrounds the small cabin. 32 IN - M.R. The group sits huddled around the fireplace talking quietly about school. The same bottle of Scotch is passed around. ASHLY is rewinding the tape recorder, and once this is done, he turns it on. The voice of an old man is heard. ASHLY turns to the others who are talking. ASHLY Shhh, listen to this. VOICE My name is Julian Knowby. I am a pro- fessor of ancient Egyptian mythology in Dextin university's ancient history department... ASHLY This is the tape I found downstairs. VOICE (Continuing)...I am recording this entry from a small cabin in the south- ern mountains of Tennessee. Here, I am staying with my wife for a few weeks so that I may continue my research un- disturbed. Since May, a group of assoc- iate professors and myself have been excavating the ruins of Ca'n Dar. I believe I have made an important find in that area, and thus the reason for this log. With it, I can keep an ac- curate record of translations from my latest find; the first of six, the others still lost, volumes of ancient Sumarian burial practices and rites. Basically, it is a book of do's and don'ts dealing with the deceased en- titled "Naturan Demanto" roughly trans- lated "Book Of The Dead." It is bound in human flesh, and inked with blood of the deceased... SCOTT Jeez, I'd hate to find out what they used for pens. VOICE (Continuing)...This particular volume deals with demons and demon resurrect- ion. These are of the Katardi family, meaning those forces believed to inhab- it the jungles and woods of man's do- main. The first few pages that I have translated warn that these demons are dangerous, everpresent, and exist primarily through this book. As legend has it, only the sacred high priests of the Ca'n Dar tribe could posess these books, for they alone could properly control the resurrected de- mons. It is only through the act of reciting the resurrection passage that these demons would be able to posess the living. For many years, it was thought that this legend- CHERYL turns off the machine at this point. SCOTT Hey, what'd you do that for? It was just getting good. CHERYL I just don't want to hear any more that's all. SCOTT (Singing) Cheryl's scared, Cheryl's scared. ASHLY Scott, leave her alone will ya? SCOTT Jesus Christ. He moves to the tape recorder and fast forewards it for a bit then stops. SCOTT She's acting like a baby- it's no big deal. He turns the machine on. The passage continues. VOICE Tantir-ah-mis-trobeen-ha-zar-ta 33 EN - CAB As the tape plays, all natural sounds from the forest die out, and the autumn colors in the trees fade to a gloomy grey. 34 IN - M.R. VOICE Tantir-man-ov-mis-hazen-sober. All eyes except CHERYL's turn to the window. 35 EN - CAB Outside, clouds roll in from the east, thunder booms in the distance, and as the wind picks up, it begins to rain. 36 IN - M.R. VOICE Kanda! 37 EN - CAB A section of ground deep within the woods begins to crack, and opens. Smoke seeps out from within, as if some evil force was now being unleashed. 38 IN - M.R. CHERYL (In a whisper) Shut it off. VOICE Kanda! 39 EN - CAB The winds howl, and blackbirds fly from their nests, screaming. 40 IN - M.R. CHERYL (Louder now) Shut it off. ASHLY, hearing her for the first time, turns from the window to CHERYL. She is overwhealmed with fear. VOICE Kanda! 41 EN - CAB A bolt of lightning strikes very near and its thunder crash is deafening. 42 IN - M.R. CHERYL can no longer control herself. She screams and covers her ears. CHERYL Shut it offffff! The window shatters when a branch from a nearby tree tears through it. ASHLY runs to the tape recorder and turns it off. CHERYL is crying now, and runs to her room. ASHLY turns to SCOTT. ASHLY Scott, you knew not to play it, I mean...I mean you knew it was upset- ting her. You just don't know when you're carrying something too far. SCOTT (To SHELLY) C'mon. (Back to ASHLY) Big deal, it's just a joke, shit. SCOTT and SHELLY head for their bedroom. SCOTT mumbles to himself along the way. SCOTT You'd think she's three years old or something. SCOTT slams the door behind him. ASHLY sighs. He moves to the broken window and reaches through it to close the outside shutters. LINDA He's really been bothering you hasn't he? ASHLY walks to a chair near the other window. ASHLY No. It's not Scott. Scotty's okay. It's just that ever since we came up here, things have been a little too tense. (He sits) All these crazy things going on. And look at that window- we're gonna have to pay for that window now. LINDA It'll be better tomorrow. Things'll smooth out, you'll see. ASHLY I hope so. He looks at LINDA lovingly for a long moment. ASHLY What'ya say we stay up for a while and listen to the storm. LINDA Deal. Lemme check on Cheryl. I'll be right back. From across the room, she is seen opening CHERYL's door a crack. LINDA asks if she is all right, and gets a muffled reply. In the foreground, ASHLY removes the small box he showed to CHERYL earlier and places it in his hand. He glances behind to LINDA. She closes CHERYL's door and walks back to find ASHLY sound asleep with the box in his hand. She reaches for the box and ASHLY opens his eyes to watch. LINDA looks at him, but his eyes are closed again in time to still appear fast asleep. LINDA turns her attention back to the box. ASHLY watches again wide-eyed as she removes it from his hand. Quickly, LINDA turns to him but as expected, ASHLY is sleeping like a baby. She begins to turn back toward the box and ASHLY opens his eyes, but LINDA turns back again in time to catch him with his eyes wide open. LINDA Ah ha! ASHLY (Laughing) Stealing from the blind eh? It's for you. LINDA begins to open the box. LINDA It better be good. The gold necklace is revealed inside. LINDA Oh Ash, it's beautiful. LINDA kisses ASHLY. He removes the necklace from the box and holds it around her neck. ASHLY (Fastening it around her neck) I was going to give it to you before we left, but things got so hectic, this is the first chance I've had. Do you like it? LINDA moves to a mirror. LINDA It's beautiful. I really love it. (She turns to ASHLY) I'll never take it off. 43 EN - CAB Lightning strikes as something in the woods examines the small cottage. Through the outside window, ASHLY and LINDA can be seen embracing. This force watching them moves around the house to another window. The silhouette of SCOTT and SHELLY undressing can be seen. The force continues around and arrives at CHERYL's window. Inside, she brushes her hair in front of the mirror for a moment, then sets down her brush and moves to the window. She stops to uncrumple the sketch drawn earlier, looks at it, then out to the dark woods. 44 IN - C.B. CHERYL can faintly hear some kind of sound. It is the same sound she had heard earlier from the cellar. A noise almost like that of something breathing. 45 EN - CAB The evil entity rounds the corner of the cabin as CHERYL walks through the rooms to the front door. She can be seen stepping out the door. It closes behind her. Wind shaking the tree branches sends dead leaves fluttering about. CHERYL (Calling to the woods) Is anybody out there? There is no answer. CHERYL steps away from the cottage toward the woods. 46 EN - W The breeze animates her nightgown and it too seems alive. CHERYL stops. CHERYL I know someone's out there...I heard you...I heard you in the cellar. Suddenly, CHERYL becomes chilled. She folds her arms around herself and stands at the woods edge, listening. There is only darkness and sounds of the evening wind blowing through the trees. CHERYL steps into the forest a few feet then stops. A cry deep within the woods can be heard. She freezes. Whispering in the distance grows somewhat louder and a soft wail is heard- like that of something long since dead, dredged up to roam the earth again. CHERYL is about to turn back toward the cabin when a rustling comes from a group of trees about twenty yards behind her. She stops. No sound. Nothing moves. Several yards to her left a twig snaps suddenly. She turns but there is silence again. The winds die down, leaving a deathly stillness throughout the woods. Then, all at once, the entire forest becomes alive in a flurry of chaotic noises and movement. Snake-like vines wrap around her ankles and slither up her legs. Tree branches near by begin to claw and rake at her. The force is now moving through the woods toward her. CHERYL is able to break the vines and run toward the cabin. She emerges from the woods and into the clearing. The force is still following. 47 EN - CAB CHERYL reaches the cabin door but it is locked. She begins pounding upon the door. CHERYL Help, help, let me in. Open the door! The evil entity now emerges from the woods. CHERYL Ashly! Linda! Open up! CHERYL spots the small key ring above the door where SHELLY had returned them earlier. One by one, she fran- tically jams one key after another into the lock, but still cannot find the right one. The force comes closer with each key. CHERYL Please, someone please! Help me, help meeeee! The evil entity is almost upon her, but her actions are so frantic that the ring falls to the ground. She bends down to pick them up, but a hand grabs her arm. It is SCOTT who has opened the door from the inside. She pushes him in the door and slams it tightly. 48 IN - M.R. SCOTT What the hell happ- CHERYL (In hysterics) It...it tried to kill me. I, I heard a noise and...and I ran and the trees...the trees! SCOTT What are you- He is cut off by ASHLY approaching with the others. ASHLY Cheryl what's wrong with you? Did something in the woods do this to you? CHERYL No, no, no...the woods themselves- The trees- they're alive... She hugs ASHLY tightly and cries in hysterical sobs. CHERYL They're alive... LINDA Ash, why don't I take her into the bedroom so she can lie down a little- CHERYL (Cutting her off) -I'm not lying down! I'm not staying here. We're leaving this place, we're leaving this place right now! SCOTT Wait a minute, I'm sure as hell not going anywhere. SHELLY Cheryl- ASHLY Cheryl, there's nothing out there. Trees do not attack people. CHERYL Ashly, will you drive me into town or not? ASHLY (Looking at his watch) Right Now? (He realizes how desperate she is) Sure, sure I'll drive you into town. But if you'll just listen to what you're saying, you- CHERYL I don't care how it sounds. I want to leave this minute. You can bring back my things when you go. ASHLY Okay- if you don't want to stay, I can't make you. LINDA puts a coat around CHERYL as ASHLY helps her to the door. 49 EN - CAB ASHLY and CHERYL move to the car. ASHLY helps CHERYL in then then gets in the drivers side. 50 IN - CAR CHERYL I'll stay some place in town tonight. ASHLY tries to start the car. There is no response. CHERYL becomes somewhat worried. ASHLY tries again. The car will not turn over. A look of dread comes across CHERYL's face. 51 EN - CAB SCOTT and the others join the two outside. 52 IN - CAR CHERYL It's not gonna start. ASHLY again tries the engine. CHERYL I know it's not gonna start. It's not gonna let us leave. ASHLY keys the engine and it turns over this time, start- ing up with a roar. ASHLY, worried by CHERYL's condition glances over to her. Confused and upset, CHERYL turns away from ASHLY and looks out her window. They drive off into the night through the wooded mountains toward town. ASHLY glances at CHERYL who is studying the forest in- tensely for any sign of movement. The concern for his sister is made obvious by the expression on his face. Their car approaches the narrow bridge area and slows down. CHERYL Why are you slowing down? ASHLY brings the car to a halt. CHERYL What is this? ASHLY's gaze is fixed directly ahead, and his mouth opens slowly. He flips on the high beams which stab through the evening mist. 53 EN - B The bridge over the chasm has been torn away. CHERYL is silent as ASHLY walks to the ravine's edge to examine any remains. 54 IN - CAR CHERYL (Mumbling to herself) No, no, no, no, no...it's not going to let us leave, it's not going to let us go...it's not gonna let us gooooo! 55 EN - CAB An axe is raised into the air, then brought down smash- ing upon a log, splitting it in two. SCOTT is chopping wood outside the cabin. Behind him, through a window, CHERYL sits with a cup of tea in her hand watching him. SCOTT sets his axe down, gathers the wood and moves away. CHERYL shifts her gaze from SCOTT to the woods beyond. The camera moves in toward CHERYL then past her to SHELLY and LINDA who can be seen playing cards on the floor. ASHLY is seated near the fireplace with the tape recorder in front of him. He plugs an earphone in so only he can hear it. SCOTT enters the cabin and passes in front of ASHLY to drop his wood to one side of the fireplace. He throws a log in, and heads back outside. 56 IN - M.R. From inside, LINDA speaks. LINDA Cheryl, wanna play some cards? CHERYL (Turning with a smile) Uh-uh. CHERYL turns to face the window again. LINDA Hey, tomorrow morning, we'll find some way around that cliff into town okay? CHERYL Okay. Outside the window, SCOTT chops more wood for the nights fire. ASHLY turns on the tape recorder to listen with the ear plug. VOICE March 12th. Suzanne came after me and almost murdered me. My own wife. At first I thought it was a mental or physical disorder because of what had happened to her eyes, but I was only fooling myself. I knew what it was. Outside the window, SCOTT continues to chop and gather wood. SHELLY, still engaged in cards with LINDA, holds up one in particular. SHELLY Okay, guess this card. LINDA How am I going to know what card that is? SHELLY Guess, I'm going to see if you're psychic. The card is a two of clubs. LINDA Okaaaay...is it a queen? SHELLY Right! LINDA Really? SHELLY Yeah. LINDA Hey Ash, I guessed the card right. ASHLY (indifferently) Truly amazing Linda. He is listening intently to the log as it continues. VOICE Three days have passed since that thing has been down there. I was hop- ing to weaken it without food or water. Nothing worked. Finally, in desperation I dragged her out to the shed and dismembered her so that what- ever it was could not get up again. SHELLY Cheryl, did you see that? CHERYL remains with her back to them staring out the window. SHELLY Try this one. She removes a nine of clubs from the deck and holds it up. LINDA Okay, lemme think, uh... She puts her hands to her head in a curved funnel form- ation as if to direct her thoughts to the card. LINDA ...Um, it's a seven. SHELLY Oh my God, what suit? LINDA Diamonds, no wait! I mean hearts! SHELLY That's right- seven of hearts! LINDA Hey Ash, did you see that? I guessed two cards in a row. ASHLY (Still not paying attention) How do you do it Linda? He is concentrating on the tape. VOICE This is when I saw the dark figures moving about in the woods. I should have never tampered with the "Book Of The Dead." I now know that what- ever it is I have resurrected through this book, is coming for me. LINDA You know, I always thought I had some sort of extra sense. You know, like e.s.p or something. SHELLY What's this one? She holds up the queen of spades. LINDA Another seven! SHELLY I don't believe it! CHERYL (Still looking outside) Queen of spades. SHELLY looks at her card then back to CHERYL. She holds up another card. CHERYL Four of hearts. The card is a four of hearts. SHELLY bites her lip in fear and reaches for another card. ASHLY and LINDA listen in silence. CHERYL Eight of spades. SHELLY picks up the card. CHERYL is correct again. CHERYL Two of spades- jack of diamonds- jack of clubs- Faster and faster she calls them off. Even before SHELLY can flip them to keep up. Suddenly, CHERYL turns toward the group. Her eyes are bone white. SHELLY's deck of cards slip from her hand and scatter across the floor. CHERYL's body is hoisted up to its feet and jerked about like a white-eyed marionette. She speaks in a voice un- like her own. CHERYL Why have you disturbed our sleep, awakened us from our ancient slum- ber? You will die. Like the others before you. We will take you one by one. All of you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- She screams in a low gruff voice and collapses to the floor. ASHLY Oh my God, Shelly, get Scott in here! SHELLY does not respond. ASHLY Hurry! She exits through the front door. LINDA moves to CHERYL and lifts her head gently. CHERYL appears unconcious but behind her, she reaches for a pen. LINDA Did you see her eyes? I'm scared. What's wrong with her? ASHLY begins to speak when SCOTT and SHELLY enter. SCOTT What happened to her? CHERYL's hand clutches the pen tightly. LINDA Look at her eyes. SCOTT's hand reaches for CHERYL's eyes to inspect them, but they blink open. The pen in her hand races upward, then slashes down, ripping into LINDA's achilles tendon. LINDA screams fiercely and with a blur, the bloodied pen is raised again. ASHLY grabs CHERYL's arm stopping her, but with a powerful swipe, she swings her remaining arm at LINDA who is sent sprawling across the cabin floor. CHERYL then clutches ASHLY and, almost lifting him, sends his body reeling across the room into a book- case which topples over, trapping him beneath its weight. SHELLY stands screaming as CHERYL now advances toward ASHLY's face with the bloody pen. He struggles to pull himself out but cannot. CHERYL is almost upon him when SCOTT grabs her from behind. Effortlessly, she tosses him off and moves toward ASHLY again. SCOTT climbs to his feet and grabs the axe. CHERYL raises the pen above ASHLY's face, and SCOTT gives her a sharp jab in the jaw with the wooden handle. CHERYL stumbles past LINDA and falls backwards, head first into the cellar. She begins to climb out but SCOTT slams the trap door shut upon her hand. It won't close. CHERYL starts to push the trap door open from below. SCOTT climbs on top and is almost thrown off until he viciuosly rams the butt of his axe down upon her protruding hand. Demented screams and moans are heard from below as CHERYL's hand is finally pulled back and SCOTT manages to secure the chain across the hatch. 57 IN - LB Later that evening, LINDA is seen in her bed, sleeping. ASHLY covers her with a blanket, kisses her, and walks to the door, closing it quietly behind him. 58 IN - M.R. ASHLY joins SCOTT and SHELLY who sit near the fire in the main room. From the cellar, strange moans, sobs and laughter emerge, then horrible rasping sounds from CHERYL's breathing. Through the next sequence of dialogue, her breathing becomes louder then somewhat quiet. SCOTT She'll be okay Ash, she just took a bad bump. ASHLY (Quietly) Yeah. SCOTT and SHELLY listen to the strange noises from below as ASHLY looks out the window to the woods beyond. ASHLY We've still got a few hours before morning. SHELLY I don't know if I can wait that long. SCOTT You have to. We all have to. Then, once it's light out, we'll try to find a way to get around that chasm. SHELLY (Covering her ears) Why does she keep making those horrible noises? ASHLY I don't know. SHELLY And what about her eyes? ASHLY and SCOTT are quiet. SHELLY What about her eyes? (Desperately) For God's sake what happened to her eyes?! CHERYL patiently sits in the cellars darkness with a streak of light across her eyes from the crack in the trap door. Her head is slightly tilted as she watches and listens to what is said above. From her point of view we hear SCOTT speak to SHELLY. SCOTT Everything's gonna be all right. CHERYL's lips part slightly and a thick blackish yellow liquid drools out between her teeth. She grins. 59 EN - CAB Outside, the forest is very dark. The unseen force moves from the wooded area, pushing over small trees and shrubs as it advances. The cottage comes into view and the evil entity glides up to it. The figure of a girl in the cabin window can be seen looking out. The force stops and moves behind a bush. 60 IN - M.R. Inside, SHELLY is studying the woods. SHELLY Scotty, I...I think there's some- thing out there. SCOTT joins her at the window and looks out. 61 EN - CAB From within the woods, this force watches SCOTT peer out, but he can see nothing. Through the window he says some- thing to reassure SHELLY and moves away. 62 IN - M.R. Inside, SCOTT can be heard in mid sentence. SCOTT ...Is to get some rest. Ash and I can stay up with Cheryl. SHELLY Okay. SCOTT Everything's gonna be okay. Come morning- you'll see. SHELLY heads to her bedroom. SCOTT walks back to the fireplace and sits. He slices twigs from a branch with the Sumarian dagger and tosses them into the fire. ASHLY glances at the Book Of The Dead, then to the old clock. It stands silent. 63 EN - CAB Again, the evil entity watches from outside. It sees SHELLY leave one room and turn the lights on in another. She begins to undress near the window. The force now moves from behind its cover and rushes at tremendous speed to SHELLY who is looking out her bedroom window. She sees it and sheer terror covers her face as a scream stifles itself in her throat, but it is too late. 64 IN - M.R. A noise is heard from SHELLY's bedroom. SCOTT drops the small stick he was whittling and looks up. He places the dagger on the floor and walks toward SHELLY's room. SCOTT Shelly, are you okay? She does not answer. SCOTT approaches her door and turns to ASHLY. SCOTT Keep an eye on Cheryl for a minute. 65 IN - S.B. SCOTT enters the darkness of her room and sees nothing amidst the shadows. SCOTT Shelly? He looks over to her window. It is open, and wind blows upon the curtains. 66 IN - S. BATH SCOTT steps into SHELLY's bathroom and sees that the shower curtain is drawn. Cautiously, he moves up to it. SCOTT Shelly? He pulls the curtain back to reveal an empty tub. SCOTT turns back to the bedroom when SHELLY steps into the doorway, posessed. With a scream, she latches upon SCOTT. Her eyes have gone bone white and she claws at SCOTT's face and clothes with her nails. 67 IN - S.B. Screaming, SCOTT stumbles through her bedroom with SHELLY still upon him biting at his throat. 68 IN - M.R. They stagger into the main room where SCOTT manages to knock SHELLY off himself and into the fireplace. She remains motionless as her head smolders upon the hot coals. SCOTT rushes to her, grabs an arm and pulls her out. SHELLY's face and hair on one side of her head are seared and blackened. She blinks her eyes open, turns her charred head to SCOTT, and speaks in a rasp. SHELLY Thank you. I don't know what I would have done if I had remained on the hot coals burning my pretty flesh. You have pretty skin- give it to us! Cackling, SHELLY clutches SCOTT's neck and begins throttl- ing the life out of him with a vice-like grip. He tries to break the hold but cannot. ASHLY also tries but with a backhand blow, SHELLY knocks him into a cabinet, smash- ing it to bits. A garbled cry for help escapes from SCOTT's frothing mouth. SHELLY reaches down, picks up the Sumarian dagger, and holding SCOTT by his throat with one hand, she raises the dagger with the other. ASHLY, slightly injured, crawls to his feet. SCOTT grabs her raised arm and although choking, swings his camping knife from its side sheath and slices deep into SHELLY's raised wrist, almost severing it. A murky black ooze pumps from the wound. She emits an ear splitting- howl and tightens her grip on SCOTT's throat. He drops the hunting knife. ASHLY watches terrified, unable to move as SHELLY raises her dangling hand (Still clutching the dagger) to her mouth and bites it off. The useless part falls to the floor with the dagger still firmly in its fist. SCOTT, now almost dead, grabs her severed hand clutching the dagger and in a last attempt, swings it around ramming the blade into her spine. SHELLY screetches along with CHERYL in the cellar, the old grandfather clock gongs and lightning strikes all at the same instant. SHELLY reaches around with her remaining arm to clutch at the severed hand and knife protruding from her own back. A thick black ooze pours from the wound as she bends backward screaming. ASHLY stands in horror, clutching the axe, unable to move. Black ooze runs from SHELLY's mouth as her body writhes about spasmatically upon the floor. Gradually, the move- ments cease and she is dead. As SCOTT slowly stands to his feet, SHELLY's arm grabs his leg. SCOTT Ahhhhhhh! Some force reanimates her, even though the body is dead. ASHLY No...no...no... SCOTT Hit her! SHELLY's body is hoisted up, jerking about to its feet, and laughing madly. SCOTT Hit it! SCOTT screams this as he backs toward ASHLY who stands with the axe, paralyzed. Gurgling black ooze, SHELLY advances toward them with one remaining arm. SCOTT grabs the axe from ASHLY, pushes him away and slams it into her. Lightning flashes, thunder booms, and CHERYL screams from the cellar. SCOTT brings his axe down again and again in a frenzy. Then, after the final chop, there is silence. SHELLY's body remains on the floor for quite some time- until ASHLY can cope with the fact that she is dead and something must be done. ASHLY Uh...Scott. SCOTT Yeah. ASHLY What is uh...what are we gonna do? SCOTT Bury her. ASHLY You...can't bury Shelly. She's a friend of ours isn't she? SCOTT Ash, she's dead. ASHLY moves away from SCOTT. SCOTT Shelly's dead. We're gonna bury her now. ASHLY bites his lip and looks about blankly. 69 EN - CAB Finally, the body is dragged outside and buried near the work shed. Harsh floodlights from the house make the task look very stark and barren. 70 IN - M.R. SCOTT and ASHLY return inside. ASHLY heads to LINDA's room to check in on her. 71 IN - L.B. He peers in to see LINDA sleeping peacefully. 72 IN - M.R. ASHLY quietly returns to the main room. SCOTT is load- ing new batteries into a flashlight. SCOTT I saw an old hiking trail when we were driving up here. Now I don't know if it goes all the way around that gorge- ASHLY -Or if it's even still in tact. SCOTT Or if it's even still in tact. But uh, I guess I'll find out. Take good care of Linda. ASHLY I will. Do you have everything? SCOTT (Putting on a small back pack) Yeah- all set. ASHLY Listen...Scotty...I'm sorry about falling apart like that when- SCOTT Don't bother, really. He steps out the door. SCOTT If I find a way out of here, I'll mark it and then come back. Then if I'm not back here in a few hours... if for some reason...well, if I don't come back, grab Linda, leg and all, and just get her the hell out of here. They shake hands. ASHLY You're a good man. SCOTT Good, I'm the best. 73 EN - CAB ASHLY smiles a good-bye to SCOTT and watches him move off into the night. He lingers for a moment by SHELLY's grave, then slowly disappears into the woods. 74 IN - M.R. ASHLY closes the door and turns back to the main room. He sees CHERYL's eyes through the crack in the cellar. She has been watching all of this through a space be- tween the trap door and floor. ASHLY walks past her to LINDA's room. 75 IN - L.B. He opens the door and a crack of light falls across her. LINDA wakes up. LINDA Who's there? Ash? ASHLY It's me Linda. LINDA Ash, I had a bad dream about Linda. ASHLY You did baby? LINDA Yeah. She's all right isn't she? ASHLY Yeah. Fine. LINDA Is Shelly okay too Ash? ASHLY can no longer hide his fear and anxiety. He speaks in a whisper so as not to let his voice quiver. ASHLY Yeah, sure. She's sleeping that's all. LINDA Ash, I love you. (She turns over) ASHLY Get some rest. ASHLY closes the door behind him and the fear from a few hours ago engulfs him once more. 76 IN - M.R. ASHLY moves into the main room and stops dead in his tracks when a voice in the cellar speaks. CHERYL You lied to her. You lied to Linda. Shelly's not sleeping. She's dead. Don't you know the difference? You killed her. You and Scott cut her up with the axe. She's dead ha-ha-ha-ha- ha-ha- ASHLY picks up the axe and slams it down upon the trap door. CHERYL is silent from below for a moment, then the hatch opens an inch or so. (The length of the chain securing it) CHEYL's white eyes can be seen again. CHERYL Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY takes the axe and steps outside. 77 EN - CAB He begins to chop wood, taking out his emotions upon the logs with each blow. SHELLY's blood can still be seen on the blade of the axe. 78 IN - M.R. From her dungeon, CHERYL watches ASHLY chop wood in the window. The shadow of his axe rising then striking is seen over her white eyes. 79 EN - CAB Exhausted, ASHLY puts down the axe. He looks off into the woods but there is no sign of SCOTT. He returns to the cabin. 80 IN - M.R. CHERYL begins her taunting again. CHERYL Soon all of you will be like me and then who will lock you in the cellar? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- CHERYL begins to violently ram her fists against the trap door. ASHLY walks by her to LINDA's room. 81 IN - L.B. She is still asleep. Quietly, so as not to wake her, ASHLY pulls back her blanket exposing the bandaged leg. He re- moves the wrappings and looks at the wound. As he does this, it infects with a blackened coloration at an in- credible speed. ASHLY looks up to see if LINDA is still sleeping and sees that she has been watching him with white eyes and an evil grimace upon her face. She lets out a low growl. 82 IN - M.R. ASHLY jolts backwards out of her room to escape through the front door. He steps outside and stops to look back in. He can see the main room, but finds it difficult to see in LINDA's room, being lost in the shadows. Something ragged and bloody grabs him. It is SCOTT's mutilated body ripped and torn to shreds. He is still alive. ASHLY looks behind him through the door to LINDA's room. He can barely make out LINDA who sits on the bed watching him with glaring white eyes. ASHLY helps SCOTT to the couch so he can sit. SCOTT is in agony and can barely speak. SCOTT Ash, I think I'm dying. Jesus, I can't feel my legs. ASHLY Uh...uh Scotty you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be just fine- you'll see. He throws another log on the fire. ASHLY You'll see. He looks off into LINDA's bedroom again, but she is gone. She is now sitting in the corner of the main room where ASHLY is, watching him. SCOTT begins to cough with hor- rible rasping sounds. SCOTT It's, it's not gonna let us leave... Cheryl...Cheryl was right...we're all gonna die here... ASHLY We're not gonna die! SCOTT ...All gonna die. All of us. ASHLY grabs SCOTT and shakes him violently. ASHLY We're not gonna die! We're not gonna die! We're getting out of here! Now listen to me- is there a way around the chasm. SCOTT passes out. ASHLY Scotty. Scott! ASHLY slaps SCOTT. He stirs awake and mumbles. SCOTT Jesus Ash. I don't want to die. So... so lonely to die like this. You're not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash? CHERYL (Imitating SCOTT) I don't want to die. So lonely to die like this. You're not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY Scott, is there some way around the chasm? SCOTT Ash, I'm scared- I...I can't feel my legs. ASHLY Scott, listen to me please, for God's sake. Is there a way around the chasm? SCOTT There is...one way, the trail...but the trees, they know...don't you see- they're alive!! They're ali-ahhhhhhh! His sentence is cut short as he cries out in sharp pain. Blood dribbles from his nostrils and he doubles over grabbing his stomach. LINDA begins to laugh. ASHLY looks to her, or rather what posesses her with hatred. ASHLY Shut up! She continues to laugh. CHERYL in the cellar joins in the laughter. ASHLY walks to LINDA and slaps her but she continues. He grabs a hunting rifle from a rack on the wall, loads it with shells, flips off the safety and places the barrels against LINDA's head. ASHLY God forgive me Linda. The laughter stops and her eyes return to normal. It is LINDA again. ASHLY puts down the rifle. LINDA Ash, oh Ash, help Me! Please. She hugs him tightly. LINDA Don't let them take me away again, please, please, please. ASHLY (Crying and holding her tightly) I won't, I won't- I promise. CHERYL's voice is heard from the blackness of the cellar. CHERYL Ashly? Ashly, help me. Let me out of here. I'm all right now. ASHLY releases LINDA and moves cautiously to the cellar. LINDA remains behind nervously fumbling with her necklace. CHERYL I'm all right now, Ashly. I'm all right. Come unlock this chain and let me out. ASHLY Cheryl? There is no reply from the cellar. ASHLY looks through the crack but sees only darkness. He reaches for the chain and begins to unlock it, but sensing something wrong, he stops. ASHLY Cheryl? He puts his ear to the floor listening for the slight- est sound. CHERYL's arms rip through the floor boards and grab ASHLY's head. He breaks away and her hand reaches for the chain but cannot quite grasp it. Slowly it withdraws beneath the floor. CHERYL (A little too sweet) Ash, what are you doing? This is your sister Cheryl. Don't you recognize me? Her voice drifts off, and the evil leughter resumes from the celler. ASHLY (Crying and yelling to the cellar) You bastards! Why are you doing this? Why? There is silence for a moment. Laughter from behind him begins again. It is LINDA. Her eyes are white once more, and she laughs at ASHLY. ASHLY Oh...Linda. With newly found courage, ASHLY angrily grabs LINDA by the legs and drags her outside. 83 EN - CAB LINDA It's useless, useless, useless. In time we'll come for him, then you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY leaves her in the woods and runs back to the cabin, closing the door behind him. 84 IN - M.R. SCOTT is coughing again. SCOTT Ash, Ash, please...I don't want to die- but...but I can't stand this pain. It hurts Ash. Gimme something. Gimme something to put me out. ASHLY Scott, I can't. I- I know it's bad. But I can't be alone now, I can't. I'd lose my mind. SCOTT Please Ash, please. ASHLY You'll get better- you'll see. LINDA's laughter is faintly heard outside. ASHLY moves to the window and pulls back the curtain. LINDA is no longer in the woods but sitting at the edge of the clear- ing, watching ASHLY with her glowing white eyes. ASHLY Yeah, tomorrow, soon, you'll be better and we'll both get out of here tomorrow. SCOTT There is no tomorrow! You- you've got to kill her and cut- cut her up- your sister too. ASHLY No, that was only with Shelly. You had to with Shelly. You- Linda loves me. You're delirious- I...I'll get you some water. ASHLY places a glass to Scott's lips. ASHLY Now, now the sun will be up in an hour or so and we'll get out of here ...together. You, me, Linda, Shelly- n-no not Shelly, she- we'll all go home together. Wouldn't you like to be going home? You'd like that I'd bet, wouldn't ya? There is no answer from SCOTT. The water runs out of his mouth. ASHLY ...Scott. SCOTT is dead. LINDA's laughter is heard again. ASHLY walks to the window and pulls back the curtain. There is nothing there. He turns and she is there! With the Sumarian dagger, LINDA rips into ASHLY's shirt, cutting his arm. He screams and watches in horror as she runs her tongue over the dagger, licking the blood from it. She turns her attention toward ASHLY again but he grabs her and they struggle. LINDA backs ASHLY up against SCOTT, knocking his body to the floor. CHERYL's gnarled arm reaches up through the broken floor boards and grabs at ASHLY's foot. He manages to turn LINDA's arm so the knife is behind her back. Forcefully, ASHLY pushes her over the body of SCOTT and she falls back- ward upon the dagger, impaling herself upon it. The blade tears into her back and rips through her stomach. Lightning flashes, thunder roars, and LINDA screams in a deep growl once, then all is quiet. ASHLY drags LINDA's corpse past the crumpled body of SCOTT, past CHERYL, who watches all of this from below, through the back door and out to the work shed. 85 IN - W.S. He lifts her up onto the work bench and secures her body to it with a number of chains which hang from nails along the wall. He rips down a tarp hanging on the wall to reveal a chain saw. He starts it up and moves toward her. Buzzing madly, the saw is lowered to a position several inches above LINDA's neck. ASHLY looks into LINDA's face. Her eyes have gone back to blue. He turns off the saw. ASHLY (In a whisper) Linda... He drops the saw and breaks down crying over LINDA's body. 86 EN - CAB An evening mist drifts out of the woods and cloaks the shed as ASHLY carries LINDA's body outside for burial. He lays the body upon the ground and picks up a shovel. Harsh floodlights from the corners of the cabin create strange shadows on the ground as ASHLY digs LINDA's grave. She lies on her back during the digging. One of her eyes opens. It is white. ASHLY drops the shovel and looks at her. She appears to be dead. 87 IN - M.R. Inside the cabin, CHERYL begins slamming her fists against the trap door in the cellar again. She wants out. The screws holding the hatch in place begin to loosen. 88 EN - CAB ASHLY places LINDA's corpse in the grave, oblivious to CHERYL's pounding. He begins to cover her with dirt. 89 IN - M.R. CHERYL has ripped out all but one screw which holds the trap door in tact. 90 EN - CAB ASHLY glances to the grave and sees LINDA's necklace on top of the dirt mound. He reaches down to pick it up when LINDA's hand shoots up from beneath the grave and grabs him! She pulls herself up out of the grave scream- ing and clutches ASHLY's leg with a black and bloodied hand. He twists around, trying to free himself, but she will not let go. By now, LINDA is almost completely out of the grave. With her fingernails, she rips into ASHLY's leg, tearing his skin. Screaming, he picks up a large log nearby and swings it roundhouse into her face again and again, breaking the wood into smaller bits. She grabs the log with him clinging to the other end, lifts him up and throws ASHLY log and all, away from her. ASHLY hits the ground with considerable force and for the first time begins to comprehend the power of this thing he is dealing with. Thick black ooze pours from LINDA's nose and mouth as she turns toward ASHLY sprawled on the ground. ASHLY Stay back. His hand gropes for the handle of the spade. LINDA advances toward him, laughing. ASHLY Linda please, if you can still hear me. Keep away. His fingers tighten on the wooden handle. With a scream, she lunges toward him. From the ground, ASHLY swings the spade upward, lopping off her head. The head falls into the mud, but the body falls upon him, grabbing and jerk- ing about spasmatically. Thick black ooze pumps from her neck and ASHLY manages to pull himself out from underneath the body. He backs away in disgust and falls. He picks himself up again and sees LINDA's necklace upon the ground. ASHLY stashes it in his pocket and staggers back to the cabin. 91 IN - M.R. Inside, he looks to the main room beyond SCOTT's body. ASHLY Oh..... It is a moan from deep inside him. The trap door is open and CHERYL is gone. ASHLY walks over and kicks it shut. A slight breeze sweeps through the front door causing SHELLY's bedroom door to creak open. ASHLY picks up the rifle again and cautiously moves to the door. 92 IN - S.B. He enters. The room is dark and the closet door bangs back and forth because of the breeze. ASHLY moves toward it, grabs the handle and slowly opens the door. Only clothes are inside. He turns toward the other end of the room and CHERYL pops up in the window right by him. He swings and fires, shattering the window. CHERYL backs away and spots the open front door. ASHLY The door... He makes a mad dash through SHELLY's room. 93 IN - M.R. In the main room, ASHLY races for the door. 94 EN - CAB Outside, CHERYL is almost upon the door. 95 IN - MR ASHLY arrives in time, but CHERYL has already started reaching in. He slams the door on her fingers and rams his gun butt down upon them. Horrible screams are heard as CHERYL withdraws her hand. ASHLY is able to slam the door and bolt it. He runs to the back entrance lead- ing to the shed and locks it also. On his way back to the main room, he pumps his rifle in preparation. It is his last shell. ASHLY (To himself) More shells. Where did I see that box of shells? 96 IN - C From the basement, the trap door lifts open and ASHLY decends. The bottom step, now rotten, breaks under his weight, and ASHLY sprawls to the floor. Slowly, he picks himself up and walks through the dividing stone doorway beneath the water pipes to a small table. On it, he finds the box of shells and quickly loads them into the gun. He ascends the steps and enters the main room once more. 97 IN - M.R. The sound of ticking catches ASHLY's attention. He looks up to see the old grandfather clock slowly winding back- wards. He watches and waits tensely. Turning carefully, ASHLY tries to monitor all the windows. The ticking grows louder. A shadow passes in the window before him and he fires, shattering the glass into a million pieces. Wind whips through the cabin swirling glass and leaves to the floor. ASHLY waits, leaning against the front door for something to happen. He is tense and more determined than ever to survive. He whispers to himself. ASHLY C'mon, c'mon, get it over with, why are you torturing me like this? Placing his hand to his side, ASHLY discovers something in his pocket. He lifts it to his eyes. It is LINDA's necklace. ASHLY ...Linda. (He whispers) The ticking stops. He tilts his head for the slightest sound. All is silent. From behind, two arms rip through the door and grab him. ASHLY tears away and falls to the floor. The necklace is tossed away in the confusion. CHERYL's hands pull away and she looks through a hole in the door. From the floor, ASHLY raises his rifle and fires at her head. 98 EN - CAB Clutching at her face and screaming horribly, CHERYL is jolted from the door. 99 IN - M.R. ASHLY places a dresser and chair against the holes in the door. Behind ASHLY, SCOTT's corpse sits up and opens its white eyes. It stands and moves toward ASHLY. He turns with the gun, but SCOTT knocks it out of his hands. Desperately, ASHLY grabs a table lamp and shatters it across SCOTT's head, then jams the exposed socket into his face, shocking him. SCOTT staggers back several steps, then continues after ASHLY. 100 EN - CAB Outside, Cheryl is now pounding against the front door. 101 IN - M.R. ASHLY picks up a small table upon which are the Book Of The Dead, and the professors journal. He throws it at SCOTT. This does not affect him, and he advances closer. The Book Of The Dead lands near the fireplace and edges of the paper darken from the heat. SCOTT picks up ASHLY and begins to throttle him as if he were a rag doll. The front door begins to give under CHERYL's pounding. ASHLY brings his hands to SCOTT's eyes. With a crash, CHERYL breaks through the front door and begins to push the dresser away. Pages from the Book Of The Dead are smolder- ing now. ASHLY jams his fingers into SCOTT's eyes and slips from the grip. SCOTT clutches his eye sockets and his back begins to smolder. ASHLY now sees the book. Its pages burn at the edge. CHERYL topples the dresser and enters the room. Her face is partially torn away from the shot gun blast. ASHLY rushes to throw the book onto the burning logs, but CHERYL, smoldering also, gives him a backhand blow across the head, and he is sent sprawling to the floor. She grabs a fireplace poker with her crushed fingers and turns back to ASHLY who is crawl- ing toward the fireplace. When almost in reach of the book, SCOTT grabs his leg and begins to pull ASHLY back- ward. CHERYL approaches with smoke pouring from her clothes and slams ASHLY across the back with her poker. ASHLY screams. A glitter catches his eye. It is LINDA's necklace. Grabbing it, he tosses the end with a clasp toward the book. It slides off the cover. SCOTT pulls him back once more as ASHLY swings the necklace in a last desperate attempt. CHERYL raises the poker for the final blow. The necklace drapes over the book and as ASHLY is dragged, the clasp hooks the cover and pulls the book with him. With a yank, he seizes the book and tosses it upon the blaze. CHERYL and SCOTT freeze. The Book Of The Dead burns in a bluish green flame. Smoke pours from SCOTT and CHERYL as distant demonical screams are heard from the woods. The fireplace poker slips from CHERYL's hand and sticks into the wood scarcely an inch from ASHLY's head. The bodies of SCOTT and CHERYL then begin to cave inward upon themselves, collapsing to the floor in smoldering heaps. Finally, nothing is left but the burnt clothing and a blackish grey ooze on the floor where their bodies once were. The old clock begins to tick again, normally. ASHLY slowly climbs to his feet to stand above the fuming debris. Open- ing his hand, he looks down at LINDA's necklace. The force retreats from him, out the door, slowly returning to the darkness from which it emerged. Gradually, the natural sounds of the forest swell and trees lose their gloom as Autumn colors return. The first rays of sunlight gleam over the woods beyond the cabin. Daybreak has finally come.
EVIL DEAD II seventh draft by Sam Raimi and Scott Spiegel EVIL DEAD II BY Sam Raimi Scott Spiegel SEVENTH DRAFT - May 5, 1986 FADE IN: DE LAURENTIIS ENTERTAINMENT GROUP LOGO FADE OUT. FADE IN: RENAISSANCE PICTURES LOGO FADE OUT. 00 BLACKNESS 00 A sound is building. Like a living wind. A thousand screams in agony. From the blackness, gusts of smoke pull together quickly, forming the Main Title against black: "EVIL DEAD" Then beneath it, the Roman Numeral "II." A SLOW ZOOM brings it toward us. And as the screams reach their sharp crescendo the title zooms through us. FADE IN: 1 ANGLE - STOP MOTION ANIMATION 1 Whisping smoke against a black background. EERIE MUSIC. In the distance, through the smoke, a small object. It fans toward us quickly, filling the frame. It is an ancient skin covered volume, with the outline of a human face on it's cover. This is the Book of the Dead. NARRATOR Legend has it, that it was written by the dark ones: NECRONOMICON EX MORTES; Roughly translated...The Book of the Dead. The face on the cover of the book pulls away from its skin binding and leans toward the camera. EYES on the book blink open and peer at us. It's mouth opens and emits a hideous scream. The CAMERA races into the blackness of the screaming mouth. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 1P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - SMOKE 1P 2 A SPINNING VORTEX - (3 PAINTINGS ON AN ANIMATION 2 STAND) - 12 SEC. PLATE Spiraling downward. NARRATOR To trace the origin of the Book, we must go back...back...to a day when spirits ruled the earth. Wispy shapes of animated ghosts move through this vortex, coming toward the CAMERA with WAILING and MOANING and then are gone. NARRATOR When the seas ran red with blood. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 2P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - ROD PUPPET GHOSTS 2P 3 STOCK FOOTAGE - (OPTICALLY COLOR SEPARATED) 3 A raging ocean of blood. Great waves rise and swell as if before a storm. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was this blood that was used to ink the book. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 4 AN OPEN COPY OF THE BOOK OF THE DEAD - ANIMATION 4 STAND - BLUE SCREEN IN BG Through animation, the blank pages of the Book are scripted in a strange hieroglyphic by an invisible hand. Faster and faster the pages turn on the Book as the blood red ink is scrawled across them. The pages flip furiously until the Book snaps shut, reveal ing its gruesome face on the cover. The book flaps violently away from camera. NARRATOR (V.O.) The Book of the Dead was last seen in 1300 A.D. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 4A OMIT 4A 4AP OMIT 4AP 4B OMIT 4B 4C OMIT 4C 4D OMIT 4D 4P STOCK FOOTAGE - THE RIFT 4P 5 EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DUSK - 4 WARRIORS - 4 HORSES 5 CAMERA panning down to reveal a magnificent newly built castle of stone. Bright banners fly from its turrets. An ox grazes nearby. 4 Warriors on horseback in the BG. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was then that the dark spirits again rose up to battle the living. The ground in front of the castle begins to split apart. A red glow and smoke pour from the growing crevice. Something evil is being unleashed. A strong wind kicks up blowing sand in a furious rage. 5A EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DUSK 5A TRACKING SHOT - ASH Through the blowing silt, a lone figure appears. An image of power and light. His clothing is ragged, and he holds what appears to be a jagged toothed longsword. Two massive columns of stone stand on either side. CAMERA slowly moves closer, but his face is still hidden by the darkness and blowing sands. NARRATOR (V.O.) It is said that a hero came from the sky. A man who defeated this evi and buried the Book in the Castle of Kandar. And there it lay for 700 years... DISSOLVE THRU TO: 6 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY - RUINS 6 As the raging dust storm clears to reveal the same castle which we saw earlier, but now, in a ruined state. It has aged 700 years. The ox is gone. Now only its petrified skeletal remains stand in a weathered heap. NARRATOR (V.O.) ...Waiting. A four wheel drive vehicle roars PAST THE CAMERA and toward the castle. 7 INT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY - (STUDIO) 7 TRACKING SHOT The CAMERA slowly tracks in toward the Book of the Dead as it sits in the darkness of the stone tomb. Next to it rests the KANDARIAN DAGGER, an ancient knife, its handle fashioned from the skull of a weasel. They rest upon a small pedestal covered with cobwebs. Prominently displayed on the stone wall, a bas relief of the "Hero from the Sky" holding his unusual jagged edged weapon. NARRATOR (V.O.) And then... The grinding of rock scraping against rock is heard, and a large stone is swung open on a secret hinge in the wall behind the book. Wind sweeps in through the tomb, along with the blinding light from outside. A sharply silhouetted figure steps in the newly created doorway. The figure lights a torch that he holds, illuminating his face. This is PROFESSOR RAYMOND KNOWBY. An intelligent, grey bearded man in his late fifties. He lowers the cloth around his face that had been protecting him from the sand. He stares at the Book, awestruck. Behind him, two other figures appear in the entrance of the tomb. The first is a large school-marmish woman, the wife of Raymond Knowby, HENRIETTA. She moves to Raymond's side and takes his hand. Immediately behind her is their daughter, ANNIE KNOWBY; twenty-four years old, strong stance and beautiful. Behind her a handsome looking man, ED GETLY, enters the tomb. He moves to Annie's side. They exchange excited glances. The CAMERA PANS down to the Book. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 8 INT. STUDIO - BLACK 8 MED. SHOT - FOG Billowing past the camera in front of a black drape. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 9 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 9 LONG SHOT An old log cabin, built in the valley of a dark forest. A great wind billows fog about the place. NARRATOR (V.O.) Professor Raymond Knowby and his wife, HENRIETTA, brought the book to a small cabin where they could study it undisturbed. 10 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 10 Professor Raymond Knowby sits at a writing desk and transcribes passages from the Book of the Dead. A small framed photograph of his daughter Annie sits upon the table. Behind him, HENRIETTA sits knitting in a rocking chair. 11 CLOSE SHOT - RAYMOND 11 He speaks the phonetic pronunciation of completed sentences into the microphone of a tape recorder. RAYMOND Kanda...Es-trata...Ta-toon...Hazan sobar...Ear-Grets, Gat, ...Nos-feratos ...Amantos...Kanda! The sound of RAYMOND reciting the passages is faded down AS THE CAMERA SLOWLY TRACKS away from RAYMOND and over to HENRIETTA as she rocks back into the darkness and forward into the light. As she rocks forward into the light, she comes into FULL CLOSEUP revealing that her eyes have changed to a milky white. She continues to knit. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 12 INT. STUDIO - BLACK 12 MED. SHOT - FOG Blowing past the camera in front of black drape. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 13 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 13 A dank fruit cellar with shelves of half-rotten preserves. Raymond has his back to the stone wall. He is dictating into the tape recorder, sweating and distraught. RAYMOND It has only been a few hours since I've translated and spoke aloud the first of the demon resurrection passages from the Book of the Dead. The sound of heavy footsteps. Dust drifts down INTO FRAME. Raymond looks up to the ceiling of the cellar. It is also the floor to the main room of the cabin. He watches in horror as Henrietta's silhouette paces the floor above him. And then, the footsteps halt. RAYMOND And now, I fear that my wife has become host to a Kandarian demon. May God forgive me for what I have unleashed onto this earth. 13Y REVERSE ACTION 13Y The milky eyed possessed figure of HENRIETTA jolts quickly into the frame, and shrieks in the voice of a demon! Raymond Knowby screams. He drops the microphone. 13X CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER 13X As the microphone falls atop it. High pitched feed- back screams from the speaker. 13A CLOSE SHOT - RAYMOND 13A Screaming in terror. 13B CLOSER - RAYMOND 13B His fearful eyes fill the screen as the scream continues. 13C EXTREME C.U. RAYMOND'S EYE 13C Darting about wildly and the scream continues. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 14 INT. DARK TUNNEL - DAY 14 ROUNDY-ROUNDY - CAMERA MOUNTED ATOP VAN CAMERA MOVING swiftly down a dark tunnel. A light at the end growing closer. The SOUND of AIR RUSHING BY. The Delta 88 Oldsmobile comes ROARING out of the tunnel with a BLAST of AIR, and the sound of loud rock and roll music. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was one week later that a group of college students came to the cabin. 14A EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT 14A The Delta 88 Oldsmobile parked out front. Fog roars past the place. We faintly hear waltz music from within. The silhouette of a woman sweeps by the rear bedroom window. 14B INT. CABIN - REAR BEDROOM - NIGHT 14B ASH AND LINDA LINDA, an attractive college student, is waltzing in the semi darkness of the bedroom. She wears a "Michigan State University" sweatshirt. She hums melodically to the music as she moves. Around her neck is draped a delicate silver necklace. 14C MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND LINDA 14C A handsome young man, ASH, is playing the waltz music on an old wooden piano. Linda dances behind him. Ash is not a very good pianist, and can only plunk out the melody with two fingers. LINDA Ash, what's that you're playing? ASH Our song. Ash begins to play faster. 14D MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND LINDA 14D As she picks up the tempo, spinning and laughing, until finally Ash moves to her, halting her in mid spin. 14E CLOSE SHOT - LINDA 14E Out of breath, hair tousled across her eyes, she stares deeply into Ash's eyes. Her lips, parted, in a sensual manner. 14F CLOSE SHOT - ASH 14F He returns her stare, lost in her beauty. He pulls her close. LINDA Ow! 14G SHE PULLS AWAY SUDDENLY 14G And looks down to the tiny silver necklace that she wears about her neck. 14H CLOSE SHOT - NECKLACE 14H In its center is a magnifying glass. 14I MEDIUM SHOT - LINDA AND ASH - TULIP CRANE 14I She looks from the necklace to Ash. LINDA I really love it. I'll never take it off. They kiss and now begin to dance together, to the haunting waltz melody that sweeps up upon the soundtrack. DISSOLVE THRU TO: NARRATOR (V.O.) It was in the cabin's cellar that they found the Professor's tape recorder, and the Book of the Dead. 14J INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 14J CAMERA tracks in toward the trap door. It opens by itself as we move down the steps into the blackness. 15 MEDIUM SHOT - INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 15 The CAMERA pans down from the blackness to Ash who finds a shotgun, Raymond Knowby's tape recorder, tapes, the Kandarian dagger and... 16 CLOSE SHOT 16 ...the shattered photograph of Annie Knowby and the Book of the Dead. 17 LONG SHOT - INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM 17 The group of students sit about the fire as they listen to the tape recorder. Coming from the speaker is the voice of Raymond Knowby reciting the demon resurrection passage. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (on tape) Kan Da, Es-trata ta-toon hazan sobar ...Ear-Grets, Gat... 18 MEDIUM SHOT 18 Linda takes Ash's hand. She's frightened. Ash smiles to comfort her. She nervously fingers the silver locket she wears about her neck. 19 CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER 19 PROFESSOR KNOWBY (on tape) ...Nos-Feratos...Amantos...Kanda! 20 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 20 The cabin is in the distance. In the foreground the earth begins to swell, then rips apart as a red glow emanates from beneath. Something evil is being unleashed. NARRATOR (V.O.) One by one, they fell to the possession of the dark spirits. 21 OMIT 21 22 EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA Her eyes pop open. They are bone white. She has fallen to the possession. 22A EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22A ASH AND LINDA Possessed Linda is coming after Ash. Ash back peddles, stumbles and falls. 22B ANGLE - ASH ON GROUND 22B As the Shadow of approaching Linda envelops Ash, he picks up a shovel from the ground. 22C LINDA LEAPS OVER THE CAMERA, TOWARD HIM. 22C 22D LINDA DUMMY 22D Ash swings the shovel, slicing off Linda's head. 22D1 LINDA'S DUMMY HEAD - ON WIRE 22D1 22E ANGLE 22E Linda's head rolls down the hillside and disappears into the darkness. 22F EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22F ASH AND LINDA Ash buries Linda's headless body. He jams a crude wooden burial cross into the earth of the grave. A bolt of lightning strikes. 22G HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD/CABIN - NIGHT - LONG SHOT - ASH 22G As he runs from the grave site and toward the cabin. 23 OMIT 23 24 OMIT 24 25 OMIT 25 26 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 26 NARRATOR (V.O) One man, Ash, destroyed the Book. Ash enters the cabin. He sees The Book of the Dead and tosses it onto the flames. 27 CLOSE SHOT - MELTDOWN - MAIN ROOM (STUDIO) 27 STOP MOTION ANIMATION A possessed demon begins to wither and melt. Flesh shrinks away from its skull and dissolves to nothing. NARRATOR (V.O.) But the evil that had been resurrected from it, lives on. 28 CLOSE SHOT - BOOK IN FIREPLACE 28 STOP MOTION ANIMATION The Book of the Dead is burned to cinders. The face upon the Book screams as it burns. 29 OMIT 29 29A INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - HIGH SHOT 29A Ash picks himself up from the floor. 29B INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM 29B Ash stands and clutches the necklace of Linda, in sorrow for his loss of her. 29C EXT. CABIN - DAWN - LONG SHOT 29C Ash staggers from the cabin. FADE OUT. 30 OMIT 30 31 EXT. CABIN - DAWN - RECREATION OF THE 31 FINAL SHOT OF EVIL DEAD I We are racing forward. We have taken the POV of an EVIL ENTITY as it glides with dark purpose through a section of woods. It approaches the rear door of the cabin. The door is torn violently open. The next door falls away from us. We approach the front door. SLAM! It jigsaws in two and we are again outside, now in front of the cabin. Ash is seen in the distance. He is staggering away, his back to us as we race at him. He turns suddenly towards CAMERA and screams. 32 EXT. WOODS - DAWN 32 INTERVOLOMETER STOP MOTION/CRANE - SAM-O-CAM The final shot of Evil Dead I has a new ending; an extension. Ash is caught by an invisible grip. "G" force is distorting Ash's face as he is rocketed backwards. He is swept hand over foot through the air. He reaches the edge of the woods and begins tearing through the branches and smaller trees, clearing a path with his body. He finally slams into a large ungiving tree trunk and he is knocked unconscious. 33 WIDE SHOT - LOOKING UPWARD - ASH - DUMMY - DAWN 33 As he falls from the tree branch and plummets towards the earth. 34 ASH'S POV - (CRANING DOWNWARD) - UNDERCRANKED - DAWN 34 A puddle of mud below, which rushes up upon us quickly. 35 MED. SHOT - MUD PUDDLE - ASH 35 As his head splashes down into the muddy water. 36 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - DAWN 36 He lifts his face from the mud, and turns toward us. His eyes have gone white. His skin is now a pale color, his lips, jet black. He is Possessed. A bright edge of morning sunlight moves across his face. He turns his beastly face skyward. 37 EXT. RIDGE - DAY (STUDIO) - MATTE PAINTING 37 LONG SHOT - THE SUN (Miniature) Rising over a mountain ridge. Sunlight streaming through a gaping hole in the parting clouds, in bright shafts. It pours through the trees. 38 MED. SHOT - THE SUN - MATTE PAINTING - MINIATURE 38 Closer on the sun as it looms larger and brighter. 39 CLOSE SHOT - THE SUN - MATTE PAINTING - MINIATURE 39 The frame is filled with the rising sun. 40 EXT. WOODS - DAWN - CLOSE SHOT - ASH - MUD PUDDLE 40 The bright edge of morning sunlight spreading across his face, he lets loose a demonic death shriek. 41 EXT. WOODS - DAY - (STUDIO) 41 EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FACE (STUDIO) DUMMY HEAD - LIQUID EYE CHAMBER - MINIATURE The white in Ash's eyes swirls about, and his pupils change back to their original brown color. 41A EXT. WOODS - DAWN 41A Ash, no longer possessed, collapses into the mud puddle, unconscious. 41B EXT. WOODS - DAY - REVERSE ACTION - FOG - 3 ANGLES 41B Streams of morning sunlight pierce the darkness of the woods. We hear the shriek of demons. The sound of SIZZLING. A great wind blows back fog into the darker sections of the woods. The scene grows brighter and the peaceful sounds of morning are faded up. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 42 EXT. WOODS - DAY 42 WIDE SHOT - ASH As he lies unconscious. Time passes. 43 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - CRANE - UNDERCRANKED 43 His eyes open. They stare blankly up at the sky. Then fear registers and we CRANE BACK QUICKLY, revealing a vast area of empty woods around Ash. 44 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 44 He sits up slowly into frame, looking fearfully about. 45 ASH'S POV 45 Panning the battered cabin and sections of the woods. All is peaceful. The sound of birds tweeting. 46 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 46 ASH (V.O.) It's gone. He looks up to the sky. 47 EXT. RIDGE - DAY - (STUDIO) - MATTE PAINTING 47 LONG SHOT - THE SUN - LATE AFTERNOON Just above the horizon. ASH Sun's driven it away... for now. Gotta get the hell out of here... before night falls. 48 OMIT 48 49 OMIT 49 50 OMIT 50 51 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 51 As he nods to himself, then suddenly glances up beyond the CAMERA. 52 EXT. CABIN - DAY - MITCHELL CAMERA 52 ASH'S POV - THE CABIN A perfectly normal log cabin with one exception; superimposed over the front of the place is... 52P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - (BLACK STUDIO) 52P MITCHELL CAMERA A hideous human skull with living eyeballs that stare out at us with evil malice. The eyes stare out from the two dark windows. The dark nose area is the open doorway, and the rotted teeth of the skull are the whitewashed stones placed at the foot of the cabin. Then it fades, leaving only the cabin. 53 EXT. WOODS - DAY - WIND FAN 53 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - MUD PUDDLE He shudders uncontrollably as he picks himself up from the mud. Ash MOVES INTO A CLOSE UP. His eyes shift back and forth like a trapped animal as he looks about for a means of escape. He spots something. 54 EXT. CABIN - DAY - ASH'S POV 54 THE DELTA 88 OLDSMOBILE Parked in front of the cabin. 55 EXT. WOODS - DAY 55 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He shifts his glance from the car to the road. 56 EXT. ROAD - DRIVEWAY TO CABIN - DAY 56 A narrow dirt road cutting through the woods. Then, the Delta 88 roars down it, and past the CAMERA. It kicks up dust and gravel. 57 INT. DELTA 88 - DAY 57 (CAR MOUNT) Ash is driving. He wipes the mud and blood from his face with a rag. As he pulls the rag away, his face forms a sudden look of horror as he sees: 58 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY (STUDIO MINIATURE W/BACKDROP) 58 CAR'S POV - TRACKING SHOT - STOP MOTION ANIMATION A GIANT STEEL HAND LOOMS towards us. It is the twisted remains of the steel and wood bridge that crossed a great mountain chasm. A LOUD SCREECH of brakes is heard on the soundtrack on this cut. 59 EXT. BRIDGE SIDE I - DAY 59 MEDIUM SHOT - DELTA 88 - PARTIAL BRIDGE SET As it pulls to a halt. Ash steps quietly from the car. He looks at the bridge. 60 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY (STUDIO MINIATURE W/BACKDROP) 60 ASH'S POV - BRIDGE A sign hangs from the twisted girders. It reads: "DANGEROUS BRIDGE - 2 TON WEIGHT LIMIT - CROSS AT OWN RISK." Beyond this we see the twisted remnants of the former bridge and the rock cliffs far away on the other side. 60A EXT. BRIDGE SIDE I - DAY - MITCHELL CAMERA 60A FROM RAVINE, LOOKING UPWARD AT ASH AND DELTA (5 FRAMINGS) Ash gapes at the uncrossable chasm. 60AP TWO CLIFF EDGES - (STUDIO) - MINIATURE 60AP 61 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY 61 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He is stunned at the sight. His only escape, gone. He looks from the bridge to the West. 62P1 PLATE FOR FOLLOWING SCENE 62P1 ASH'S POV - LONG SHOT - MOUNTAIN RIDGE - INTERVOLOMETER The sun is now resting on the horizon. Lower than it was before. It is BLOOD RED, and sets in the course of seven seconds. 62 INT. STUDIO (BLUE SCREEN) 62 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - PULLING BACK To reveal Ash as he looks from the sunset, to the ruined bridge, to the road behind him. He moves in halting steps, not knowing which way to turn. Ash opens his mouth, draws in his breath, and just as he begins to scream, we CUT TO: 62P2 OMIT 62P2 63 EXT. BRIDGE - TWILIGHT - POV OF EVIL FORCE 63 3 CAMERAS - BREAKAWAY TREES As it rises up from what appears to be the mountain chasm and reveals the opposite side of the twisted girders which form the "Giant Hand." It spots Ash immediately beyond. It moves swiftly towaad him. Ash looks up, sensing the evil and darts into the Delta 88. The FORCE moves through the twisted girders, pushing them away violently and races towaad the car. The Delta starts up and peels off. The Evil Force just misses it. The car doesn't have the room to complete the one hundred and eighty degree turn necessary to head back down the road the way it originally came, and is forced into a line of break- away trees which explode into sawdust as the front of the Delta 88 rips through them. The car swerves onto the road, headed back toward the cabin. 64 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT 64 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - CAR MOUNT As the broken bits of tree slam against his windshield. 65 CLOSE SHOT - CAR RADIO/TAPE DECK 65 As the channel switches suddenly to the hard rock song "Journey to the Center of Your Mind" which blares within the car throughout the chase to follow. 66 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT 66 POV - EVIL FORCE - UNDERCRANKED As it gives chase to the Delta. 67 TRACKING SHOT - DELTA - DRAGWAY - UNDERCRANKED - ATV 67 Alongside the car as it barrels along the wooded road. 68 EXT. DRAGWAY - NIGHT 68 TRACKING SHOT - DELTA - UNDERCRANKED - ATV As he drives this wild course. 69 POV - EVIL FORCE - UNDERCRANKED 69 As it begins to gain on the speeding automobile. 70 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT - UNDERCRANKED 70 OVER ASH'S SHOULDER Looking through the windshield, as branches beat and smash themselves against the windshield, obscuring our vision of the "Road" ahead. Our view suddenly clears, revealing a large tree that looms directly ahead. 71 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 71 Swerving the wheel. 72 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 72 ANGLE - DELTA - UNDERCRANKED It swerves and slams into a rotted tree, stopping it dead. 73 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT 73 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - UNDERCRANKED As he is rocketed forward from his seat. 74 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 74 ANGLE - FRONT OF DELTA - DUMMY OF ASH As Ash comes ripping through the windshield and past the CAMERA. 74A ASH'S POV 74A As he approaches the ground with a great velocity. 74B MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 74B As he slams into the earth with a rain of glass. He moans and gets to his feet. 75 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 75 POV - EVIL FORCE - BREAKAWAY TREES As it sweeps down out of the woods, pushing over trees, and approaches the Delta. Steam pours from the hood of the car. 76 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 76 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he runs. His face is cut and bleeding. 76A ANGLE - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 76A As he runs toward the cabin. (Actually he is running in place in the rear of a camera car that is slowly backing away from the cabin.) The more he runs, the farther away from the cabin he gets. 77 POV - EVIL FORCE 77 IMO CAMERA MOUNTED ON LONG POLE AND TRUCK - 3 DELTAS "RAM-O-CAM" It approaches the rear of the Delta, rips through the back window, moves through the car's interior, music still blasting, and bursts out the remains of the front windshield. We move through the steam of the radiator and approach Ash as he runs for the cabin. 78 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 78 As he runs toward the cabin not making much progress as though caught running in a nightmare. He shakes his head "No." 78A CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET AS THEY RUN 78A 79 ANGLE - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 79 Now closer to the cabin. (Again, Ash is running in place in the camera car as it slowly backs away from the cabin.) 80 POV - EVIL FORCE 80 Now quickly gaining its lost ground. Just a few feet behind Ash. 81 EXT. CABIN - LOCATION 81 SIDE SHOT - ASH As he runs up the porch steps to the cabin. 82 EXT./INT. CABIN - LOCATION 82 POV - EVIL FORCE We race into the cabin, splintering the hall door which Ash had swung shut. Ash retreats into the rear hallway, and swings the hallway door shut. We race right up to the door and it shatters into many pieces as we glide forward. 83 INT. CABIN - STUDIO - "MAZE SHOT" - FORCE POV 83 Camera moves through the main room and up to the Hallway door. It shatters in front of us. We close in on Ash as he races down the hallway. We lose him as he swings into the back bedroom of the cabin and slams the door behind him. We rip through this door and enter the rear bedroom, only to see Ash scrambling for the door to the middle bedroom, which we approach and he swings shut in our face. We rip through to reveal Ash scurrying into the Hallway. We follow him through the bathroom, the maze, and back out into the Hallway. We round the corner after him and see that Ash has led us into the main room, but there is not a trace of him. We look about for him, but he is gone. The hallway is bare except for a few dry leaves. 84 INT./EXT. CABIN - LOCATION - POV EVIL FORCE 84 The force begins to pull back with an ever-increasing speed, out the front door of the cabin, and deep into the blackness of the woods. 85 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 85 A static shot of the fireplace. All is quiet. Smoke from the near dead fire wafts up the chimney. We hold on this for a moment. 85A ANGLE - MIDDLE BEDROOM CLOSET - NIGHT 85A A static shot of a closet with it's door half open. The door begins to swing slightly open, revealing a rack of clothes inside. We hold on this for a moment. 85B ANGLE - CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT 85B A writing desk with some papers atop it. They begin to tremble and finally blow away from the light breeze that sweeps through the cabin. The CAMERA PANS down from this desk to reveal a trap door in the floor of the main room. The trap door to the cellar. It is raised up on its hinge an inch or so and in that slight space between the trap door and the floor we see Ash's eyes, looking cautiously about. He breathes a sigh of relief. 86 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 86 The cabin in the distance. Fog rolls past. 87-128 OMIT 87-128 128 A,B,C OMIT 128 A,B,C 129-143 OMIT 129-143 143 A-F OMIT 143 A-F 143FP OMIT 143FP 144-149 OMIT 144-149 149A-J OMIT 149A-J 149K EXT. AIRSTRIP - NIGHT - LONGSHOT - ED 149K Ed Getly stands in the FG and watches as an older style twin engine cargo plane flies over the camera and lands. 149L AIRSTRIP - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - PASSENGERS 149L The airplane rolls to a halt. A man wearing a jumpsuit ties the airplane off and blocks the wheels while a redcap opens the hatch and helps out Annie Knowby. She carries a glass case in her hand as she moves toward us. Behind her five other passengers emerge from the Plane. Ed approaches Annie. ED Annie! ANNIE (smiling at sight of him) Hi. They embrace and kiss. ED How'd everything go on the expedition? ANNIE Terrific. I found the additional pages from the Book of the Dead. ED So you said in the telegram. What condition are they in? She holds out the glass case for Ed to look at. 149M CLOSE SHOT - GLASS CASE 149M Inside are 12 pages from the Book of the Dead. 149N AIRSTRIP - NIGHT 149N TRACKING SHOT - ED AND ANNIE - THEY CONTINUE WALKING ED Haven't aged a day in three thousand years. ANNIE Maybe longer. ED When do we begin the translations? ANNIE Tonight. Is everything all set with my father? ED Should be, but I haven't spoken to him in a week, what with no phone in that cabin. Take us about an hour to get there. They arrive at the parking lot. Two new, sharp looking cheverolets and Ed's old style cheverolet. ED We'll take my car. Ed opens the car trunk. Behind him a redcap pulls up a large steamer trunk on a hand dolly. Ed and the redcap hoist the steamer up into the car's trunk. ED Annie, you hinted in your telegram that your father was on to something with the first part of his translations. What's the big mystery? What has he found in The Book of the Dead? ANNIE Maybe nothing. But just possibly... the doorway to another world? Annie slams the car trunk. 149O OMIT 149O 150 OMIT 150 151 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - W/ ASH - NIGHT 151 CHEVROLET CAR TRUNK CAMERA has taken the POV of the evil force as it glides eerily through the woods, around trees and over rotted stumps. It moves over a rise revealing a clear view of the boarded cabin in the distance. It approaches. It moves to the window, and peering through the cracks in the boards we see Ash asleep in the rocking chair. 152 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 152 Camera begins on hammer, nails, and planking which lay upon the cabin floor. Camera pans to window #1. It is boarded up tight. Camera pans to door. It is repaired. Camera pans to Ash who sleeps in the rocking chair in front of another boarded window. Ash awakens suddenly, sensing something, the shotgun clutched in his lap. He lifts his head and turns to a whispering musical sound. Harp like music. It is coming from the back bedroom of the cabin. 153 MAIN ROOM/MIDDLE ROOM/REAR BEDROOM 153 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he stands and moves cautiously towards the rear bedroom. 154 ASH'S POV - MIDDLE ROOM AND REAR BEDROOM 154 As he approaches the rear bedroom, the music grows louder. As he enters the room he halts his gaze on the old wooden piano. 155 INT. CABIN/REAR BEDROOM - NIGHT 155 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he moves to the piano. The sound is coming from within. Suddenly, the piano begins to play by itself; Ash draws back from it. It plays a waltz. Now the piano music mixing with the harp-like strings. The radiator next to the piano begins to release bursts of musical steam, adding a wind section to this strange orchestra. 156 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 156 As he listens to this haunting version of a waltz melody. He recognizes the music. It is the same music that Ash had played earlier, when Linda was dancing. 157 CLOSE SHOT - PIANO AND RADIATOR 157 As steam spouts from the radiator pipes. As the piano keys depress and release themselves. The melody grows louder. 158 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 158 As he lowers his head. His horror gives way to sadness. From his pocket he removes Linda's delicate silver locket that dangles from the end of a chain. In the locket's center is a magnifying glass. He stares mournfully into the glass. BANG! He looks up sharply toward the main room. 159 OMIT 159 159P1 OMIT 159P1 159P2 OMIT 159P2 159P3 OMIT 159P3 160 OMIT 160 161 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 161 ASH'S POV - SHUTTERS As they rip open, splintering Ash's reinforcements. Wind sweeps in through the place as the curtains flutter wildly. Through the window is a sweeping fog. 162 INT. CABIN MIDDLE ROOM - NIGHT 162 Ash runs through this room and into the main room. He moves to the window and looks out. Wind blowing on his face from outside. 163 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 163 ASH'S POV - THE GRAVEYARD A stark wooden cross marks Linda's lonely grave. 164 OMIT 164 165 OMIT 165 166 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 166 LONG SHOT - CABIN IN DISTANCE - STOP MOTION ANIMATION The tiny figure of Ash can be seen looking off toward this hill. In the foreground is a crude burial cross and a mound of earth. The earth begins to crack and splinter. The wooden cross caves in and is swallowed as the headless corpse of Linda pulls itself to its feet. The HAUNTING WALTZ MELODY sweeps through the night air. 166P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 166P ASH IN WINDOW - MITCHELL CAMERA 167 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 167 CLOSE SHOT - THROUGH THE WINDOW - ASH His eyes, illuminated by a shaft of light, widen in amazement and horror as... 168 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (STUDIO) 168 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) - 3 ANGLES The WALTZ MELODY fills the sound track, and the rotting corpse that was Linda begins to dance, bending and swaying as she sweeps gracefully through the evening fog. A waltz of the dead. The style of dance begins to change. It becomes more primitive. The music changes to a more primal beat. The dance becomes sexually oriented. Erotic, with sharp pelvic thrusts and gyrating hip motions. 168P 3 PLATES FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 168P EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - FOG/WIND FAN 169 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 169 CLOSE SHOT - THRU THE WINDOW - ASH Lost in the horrific beauty, he turns his head to a rumbling sound. 170 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - (REVERSE ACTION) 170 ASH'S POV Linda's DECAPITATED HEAD rolls across the ground and up the hillside graveyard. 171 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (STUDIO) 171 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) LINDA'S HEAD 3 ANGLES As it leaps through the air and gracefully situates itself atop Linda's neck, she begins to spin, yet her head remains in place, never taking her eyes from Ash. With a sensual twirl and leap, she disappears into the evening mists. 171P 3 PLATES FOR PRECEDING SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 171P EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - FOG W/WIND 172 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 172 CLOSE SHOT - THRU WINDOW - ASH His eyes dart about, trying to catch another glimpse of Linda through the fog. 173 EXT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 173 ASH'S POV - THRU WINDOW Linda swings sharply into frame, completing the spin of her dance immediately in front of Ash as the music abruptly halts. LINDA DANCE WITH ME! Linda extends her dead arms towards Ash. 174 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 174 He screams as... 175 EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 175 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S CORPSE (OVERCRANKED) Linda's head rolls off of her neck and tumbles through space. 176 INT. BLACK STUDIO - NIGHT 176 LINDA'S HEAD - ON WIRE As it tumbles through a void of blackness, falling. 177 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 177 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he screams himself awake. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal him sitting in the rocking chair. Ash halts his scream, getting control of himself. He looks to the window that had blown open. 178 ASH'S POV - THE BOARDED WINDOW 178 Still boarded as though it had never been opened. 179 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 179 Reassuring himself. ASH That's all. Just a crummy dr- Linda's decapitated head falls into frame and lands in Ash's hands. 180 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 180 It opens its eyes and looks to Ash. LINDA'S HEAD Hello lover, I came from the other side of your dream to dance with you. 181 CLOSER SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD (BACKWARD MOTION) 181 A four foot long blackened tongue emerges from her mouth like a lashing serpent. 182 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - (BACKWARD MOTION) 182 The tongue enters Ash's frame and forces itself into Ash's mouth. Screaming as he clutches at the head of his former love. The tongue instantly retracts inside her head. 183 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 183 As it bites deeply into Ash's right hand, drawing blood. 183A MED SHOT - ASH AND LINDA'S DUMMV HEAD 183A Ash stands and rushes across the room screaming, as he tries to rid himself of the head. 183 B-L OMIT 183 B-L 184 OMIT 184 185 OMIT 185 185A OMIT 185A 186 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - ASH AND DUMMY HEAD - LONG SHOT 186 As Ash staggers painfully around the side of the cabin and towards the work shed; Linda's head still clamped to his hand. 187 INT. WORK SHED - NIGHT - LINDA DUMMY HEAD - ASH 187 The door to the place is kicked open, revealing Ash and Linda's head on the end of his hand. It is a room full of sawdust, chains and power tools. Old bones hang from the walls. 187A MEDIUM SHOT - INT. WORK SHED - ASH 187A As he places Linda's head within the vice and tightens it around her, then withdraws his hand. LINDA'S HEAD Even now we have your darling Linda's soul! She suffers in torment! 187B CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 187B As it rips away an old tarp revealing the chalk outline of where a chainsaw once was. 187C CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HEADLESS LINDA BODY 187C Confused. Wondering what has happened to the chainsaw. Behind him, the door to the shed bursts open and in comes the flailing, headless, body of Linda, charging at Ash with the chainsaw buzzing high above her head. Ash is screaming. 187D MEDIUM SHOT 187D Ash grabs a large crowbar and swings it toward the approaching blade. 187E CLOSE SHOT 187E The crowbar hits the bottom of the blade with a shower of sparks, sending the buzzing saw flipping backward. 187F MEDIUM SHOT - HEADLESS LINDA DUMMY - 3 ANGLES 187F The blade of the chainsaw swings upward and arcs back into headless Linda, imbedding itself in her neck. She goes nuts as the chainsaw bites its way into her chest cavity. She spins wildly about the room knocking into shelves as she tries to pull the blade free. She slams against the wall of the shed, and slumps to the floor, the chainsaw still buzzing. 187G MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187G As he is splattered with black bile. He reaches down. 187H MEDIUM SHOT - HEADLESS LINDA 187H As Ash dislodges the spinning chainsaw from her. 187I MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187I As he swings the chainsaw around and poises it above Linda's head. 187J WIDE SHOT - ASH AND LINDA'S HEAD IN VICE 187J From the chainsaw, fumes of blue amoke. Ash turns to the head and falters. 187K CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD IN VICE 187K She is no longer possessed. She looks as she did earlier in the film. A vision of beAuty. She is again Linda, the woman Ash loved. Tears roll down from her eyes. LINDA Please Ash, help me. I love you, please don't hurt me. 187L CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187L Trying to fight his feelings, he knows what he must do. He pumps the throttle on the saw. 187M CLOSE SHOT - LINDA 187M Pleading with him. LINDA You promised me we'd always be together. You swore to me! 187N CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187N Agonized. ASH NO! 187O CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 187O Once again fully possessed, and speaking in the voice of the demon. Her eyes again white, her flesh, rotten. LINDA'S HEAD YES! YOU LIED TO HER! YOU LIED TO LINDA! YOUR LOVE WAS A LIE! AND NOW SHE BURNS IN HELL! 187P EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S DUMMY HEAD 187P She opens her mouth and emits a jet stream of bile. 187Q CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187Q As he's drenched in the face. Linda begins to laugh at him in a wild, high pitched squeal. He gains control of himself and steadies the saw. ASH Eat chainsaw. He brings down the spinning blade. And moves past the CAMERA and towards the head. We are left looking at the wall of the work shed upon which we see the stark shadow of the ghastly deed. We hear the sound of spinning steel meeting bone and the screams of a demon. 187R CLOSE SHOT - LIGHT BULB 187R As it is splattered with blood. 187S MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187S Ash stumbles back into frame and falls against the wall, now lit in crimson. He looks at the off screen carnage in terror. He begins to shake as though in shock. He trembles as he looks down at his hands; they are covered in Linda's blood. He wipes his hands on his pants and shirt, trying to rid himself of it, but only succeeds in painting himself with the stuff. Ash screams a wild scream of fear and despair. It echoes off into the night. 188 CRANE SHOT - EXT. WORK SHED - NIGHT 188 Ash in a confused state as he staggers from the work shed and towards the cabin. Again clutching the chainsaw. 189 INT. CABIN REAR DOORWAY - NIGHT 189 Ash enters through the doorway. He pushes the door shut behind him and halts. We hear a creaking sound. It is coming from the main room of the cabin. He moves in the direction of the sound. 189A ASH'S POV - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 189A TRACKING SLOWLY FORWARD Curtains flutter on the partially boarded windows of the hall. Ash moves slowly past them and towards the main room ahead. The gentle creaking sound grows louder. Ash tosses down the saw and picks up the gun. 189B INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 189B Ash enters from the hallway and turns his head to the sound. 189C MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - ASH'S POV - THE ROCKING CHAIR 189C It rocks back and forth with a definitive motion, halting for a moment at it's pints furthest forward and backward, as if some invisible thing was sitting there and rocking. 189D CLOSE SHOT - ASH 189D He slowly approaches the chair, scared shitless. 189E MEDIUM SHOT - FROM BEHIND THE ROCKING CHAIR 189E The chair rocks in and out of frame in the foreground as Ash takes halting steps towards it. Ash gathers his courage and reaches out his hand to halt the rocking motion. Slowly his hand approaches the chair. Just as his hand goes to touch it, the chair abruptly halts, on its own accord. 190 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 190 In a confused state as he backs away from the chair and into the wall. He turns and comes face to face with himself in a hanging framed mirror. He clutches at his face, trying to reassure himself of his sanity. ASH I'm fine... I'm fine... 191 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM/MIRROR ROOM - NIGHT 191 MEDIUM SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - ASH AND REFLECTION Ash's reflection becomes an independent entity. It reaches out of the mirror and grabs ahold of Ash by his throat. The reflection looks like a Mr. Hyde version of Ash. Sweating and nasty looking. 192 SIDE SHOT - SPLIT SCREEN - ASH AND REFLECTION 192 MITCHELL CAMERA (ASH AS MR. HYDE) The reflection pulls Ash close and speaks to him in an intimate whisper. REFLECTION I don't think we're "fine". We're losing it... starting to slip. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound fine? The reflection tightens its hold on Ash's throat and begins to strangle him. 192P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 192P INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT ASH - MITCHELL CAMERA 193 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - DOLLY 193 Two hands in the bottom of frame, throttling him. CAMERA races back to reveal Ash's own hands on his throat. There is no sign of Ash's evil reflection. Ash has been strangling himself. He realizes this the same moment we do. He quickly pulls his hands away, looks at them incredulously, then to the mirror. 194 OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - INTO MIRROR 194 His reflection is as it should be. 195 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 195 He looks back down to his hands. 196 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 196 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S RIGHT HAND - DUMMY HAND INTERVOLOMETER The bite marks that Linda's teeth have left in the hand stand out sharply. The wound suddenly blackens and spiderwebs it's infection across the entire surface of the hand. 197 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 197 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HAND IN FOREBROUND - MAKE UP BLADDER EFX The hand quivers and shakes, now out of Ash's control. The hand has taken a whitish cast. It's veins throb and pulsate. It is possessed by the evil force. The hand's fingernails grow inches. The wound oozes black fluid. Ash is repulsed. 198 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 198 Ash's demon hand makes a lunge at his face which is countered by his good hand. 199 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 199 He slams the hand to the cabin floor. He screams to the air: ASH You bastards. Give me back my hand. 200 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 200 Wind and fog swirl about the place. Ash's ECHOING SCREAM is heard above the HOWLING GALE. ASH (0.S.) Give me back my hand!! 201 OMIT 201 201A OMIT 201A 201B OMIT 201B 201C OMIT 201C 202 OMIT 202 203 OMIT 203 204 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT 204 Ash rushes into the kitchen and places his hand in the sink. He turns on the faucet. 205 INT. CABIN KITCHEN - NIGHT 205 Cool water runs over Ash's burned hand. Ash rests his head on the kitchen counter and mumbles reassurances to himself. ASH Can't... can't be happening. 206 CLOSE SHOT - THE HAND 206 As the water pours over it. It grabs a plate sitting in the dishwater and reaches up silently out of the sink. 207 MEDIUM SHOT 207 The plate is shattered over Ash's head. The hand grabs Ash's hair and mercilessly slams his head down upon the kitchen counter again and again. Ash punches himself in the face and is sent reeling backwards. He smashes into a cupboard where dishes and plates fall upon him. 208 CLOSE SHOT 208 The hand picks up plates and begins breaking them over Ash's head. Then a bottle. 209 MEDIUM SHOT 209 Ash is knocked unconscious. The hand continues breaking objects over his head. Ash lies unmoving, but still alive. 210 CLOSE SHOT 210 The hand stops as though it senses something. The CAMERA PANS to a large meat cleaver which lies upon the wooden floor. 211 MEDIUM SHOT 211 The hand as it independently crawls towards the meat cleaver. The hand is stopped when it runs out of arm, now anchored by Ash's unconscious body. 212 CLOSE-SHOT - HAND 212 It digs its nails deep into the floorboards and begins to pull... 213 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 213 ... as he is pulled along the kitchen floor. 214 CLOSE SHOT - HAND - GELETIN HAND 214 As it pulls Ash's unconscious body along after it. The hand clutches the meat cleaver when a large knife comes slicing through the demon hand, pinning it to the floorboards. CAMERA pulls over to reveal a revived Ash. ASH Who's laughing now? 214A ANGLE - ASH - COMEDY KNIFE RIG 214A He reaches over with his good hand and pulls a fire engine red chainsaw down from the shelf. He holds the body of the machine between his legs and, with his good hand, pulls the starter cord. The CHAINSAW ROARS to life. The CAMERA TRACKS IN to Ash's sweating face. ASH Who's laughing now!? He lowers the spinning blade of the chainsaw down out of frame and toward the evil hand. Blood flies up into frame. 215 OMIT 215 216 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 216 LONG SHOT We hear the BUZZING of the CHAINSAW as it slices through bone and then falls silent. 217 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT (SIDE II) 217 CRANE The CAMERA cranes down as Annie's car approaches from the distance. It pulls to a halt. Ed and Annie step from the car. 218 ANNIE'S POV 218 A red tow truck with its orange lights flashing is parked there. Painted on it's side is "Jake's Gas N' Go." Jake, a toothless, backwoods, greasemonkey is setting up flares and wooden roadblocks. Annie and Ed approach. ANNIE Excuse me. This the road to the Knowby's cabin? JAKE Thas' right. But you ain't goin' there. ANNIE And why not? 219 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 219 As he reaches in his truck to pull on the headlights. 220 CLOSE SHOT - TRUCK HEADLIGHTS 220 As they snap on. 221 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE, ANNIE, AND ED 221 All stand in the bright glare of the lights as the fog swirls about them. Annie and Ed gape in frightened wonder at what they see. 222 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT - (SIDE II) - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 222 THEIR POV - TABLE TOP MODEL GIRDERS The piercing beams of light illuminate twisted remnants of the destroyed bridge that leads to the cabin. A road sign, similar to the one on the other side of the bridge reads: "Dangerous Bridge - Two Ton Weight Limit". 223 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT - (SIDE II) 223 CLOSE SHOT - ED AND ANNIE Frightened as they view the wreckage. ANNIE What happened? JAKE Lady, I ain't never seen nothin' like it. ED Terrific. Now what? ANNIE There must be another way in. Another road or something. 224 JAKE, BOBBY JOE, ANNIE AND ED - TWO CAMERAS 224 BOBBY JOE Sure ain't no, road. CAMERA pans over to reveal a brassy southern spitfire of a woman, Bobby Joe. BOBBY JOE Hell you wanna go there for, anyway? Bobby Joe takes a pinch of chewing tobacco and stuffs it into her mouth. She doesn't like Annie and her fancy clothes. She stares at Annie like a cat. 224X MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ED 224X Annie steps forward. She eyes Bobby Joe. ANNIE None of your business. 224Y CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224Y He feigns surprise and pleasantness. JAKE Hey! I just remembered... Yeah, that's right... There is a trail. You could follow Bobby Joe and me. ED That sounds all right. JAKE But, it'll cost ya. ANNIE How much? JAKE Forty Fi... 224A ANGLE 224A Jake looks up suddenly at Bobby Joe who gives a sharp shake of her head. JAKE Hundred bucks. 224B CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 224B ANNIE Tell you what. You take my bags you got a deal. 224C CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224C He glances through the window of Annie's car. 224D JAKE'S POV 224D The tiny case containing the missing pages of the Book of the Dead, and a small handbag. 224E CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224E Looking back to Annie, a big smile on his near toothless face. JAKE Sure! 225 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 225 A hiking trail winds through the woods. Bobby Joe leads the way with flashlight in hand. She pockets some bills. She is followed by Annie and Ed who carry the glass case containing the missing pages and the handbag. A grunting and sweating Jake brings up the rear, the large steamer trunk on his back. He is cursing under his breath. JAKE Jesus H. Christ! I thought she was talkin' 'bout them two goddamn little pieces! 226 OMIT 226 227 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 227 The wind rushes fog about the place with a fury. A large moon hangs in the night sky. 228 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 228 CLOSE SHOT - EVIL HAND No longer attached to Ash's arm, it still writhes about beneath Ash's foot which pins it to the floor. 229 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - HAND'S POV - EYEMO W/ MOUNT 229 As he grabs the steel wastebasket, dumps out the trash lowers it quickly over the CAMERA, trapping the hand within. 230 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 230 With a note of finality, Ash slams down a pile of books atop the overturned wastecan, to anchor it. The top book's title reads "Farewell to Arms". 231 FIREPLACE 231 Ash raises a red hot fireplace shovel that had been resting upon the coals. He grits his teeth. 232 ANGLE 232 Just out of frame, Ash thrusts the glowing shovel against the stump to cauterize the wound. Red steam hisses up into frame as Ash screams. 233 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 233 He tosses aside the shovel and douses his smoldering stump into a vase of fresh flowers. 234 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 234 Unspooling a roll of duct tape. 235 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 235 He tapes the tablecloth into a makeshift bandage about his wrist. Behind him, the wastebasket silently slides across the floor. 236 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 236 "CLANG"! He turns to see. 237 CLOSE SHOT - THE WASTEBASKET 237 Upon its side. The Evil Hand is gone. 237A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 237A He turns to a "pitter patter" sound. 238 OMIT 238 238P OMIT 238P 239 OMIT 239 240 OMIT 240 241 OMIT 241 242 OMIT 242 243 OMIT 243 244 OMIT 244 245 CLOSE SHOT - HAND 245 It scampers across the floorboards headed for a hole in the wall. 246 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 246 MEDIUM SHOT - ANIMATED HAND (4 SEC.) Same action as above but covered now through animation. 247 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 247 HAND - POV Low angle tracking shot approaching the hole in the wall. 248 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND HAND - SQUIB 248 TRACKING WITH HAND, ASH IN BG He raises the shotgun and FIRES. BLAM! The floor next to the hand explodes. 249 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN THE WALL - SQUIB - EFX. HAND 249 The hand leaps into the hole as a section of wall next to it EXPLODES. Blam! 250 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 250 Ash quickly reloads both chambers of the gun. He tracks the SOUND of the PITTER PATTER as the hand scampers through the sapace behind the wall like a rat. 251 OMIT 251 252 OMIT 252 253 OMIT 253 254 ASH'S POV - WALL - SQUIB 254 The blasted hole at the bottom of the wall. The hand appears, still unhurt, waving and taunting at Ash. 255 CLOSE SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (7 SEC.) 255 As it taunts ASH it inadvertently sidesteps into a rusting mousetrap. SNAP! It springs shut upon the hand. It screams furiously and shakes violently in an effort to get free the from trap. 256 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 256 Throws back his head in a gruff bark of laughter. ASH Ha! 257 CLOSE SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (7 SEC.) 257 The hand throws the trap from itself and raises its middle finger to ASH, flipping him the bird. 258 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 258 He raises the gun, revealing his face as the CAMERA PANS UP with his movement. 259 ASH'S POV - OVER THE GUN BARREL 259 Pointed directly at the hand. But the hand dodges away from the hole, disappearing again behind the wall. The gun continues to track the evil hand's progress through its pitter patter sound. 260 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S EAR 260 The pitter patter ebbs and then peaks in volume. 261 ASH'S POV - OVER THE GUN BARREL - SQUIB 261 Both triggers are squeezed. BLAM! BLAM! A 2nd and 3rd hole are blown in the wall. All is silent. 261A INSERT ASH'S FINGER PULLS THE FIRST, THEN 261A SECOND TRIGGER 261B INSERT FLAME BELCHES FROM THE GUN TWICE 261B 262 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 262 As he lowers the smoking gun. Wondering if he has hit the hand or not. 263 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 263 All is silent for a moment, and then a slight trickle of blood comes dripping from the hole and down the side of the wall. 264 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 264 For the first time feeling victorious. As Ash continues to stare at the hole, his expression changes to one of perplexity. 265 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 265 The trickle of blood has increased to a steady flow, then, even this volume of blood multiplies. It is forced out of the wall with a greater and greater pressure until blood pours from the wall like a fire hose. 266 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 266 Horrified, he spins his glance to the sound of more gushing liquid. He is hit in the face with a geyser of deep red blood. 267 CLOSE SHOT - 2ND AND 3RD HOLES IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 267 The 2nd and 3rd holes in wall also begin to spew blood in a geyser. The CAMERA PANS over to the 4th of the holes. This, too, is an eruption of blood. The blood changes in color to a black fluid, then yellow, then turquoise. 268 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 268 Screaming as he looks down at his wrist. CAMERA PANS DOWN to it. The severed wrist begins dribbling blood. Then in a burst, it too, erupts in a hellish fire hose. It spouts blood under such great pressure that ASH is driven against the walls of the cabin because of it. 269 MED. SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 269 We follow him as he slams from one wall into another. 270 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 270 In the midst of his scream, drowning in the blood, it all suddenly stops. The cabin is again deadly quiet. ASH, soaked in blood and shivering, waits. For what, he's not sure. 271 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 271 As he slowly backs away from the walls and sits upon the three legged chair. It shatters beneath him, dumping him on his butt. CREAK!!! ASH turns sharply to the low sound. 272 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 272 The mounted moose head upon the wall. It is in a different position. It turns sharply towards ASH and emits a hideous cackle. 273 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 273 He pulls back in fear, then turns to the sound of more laughter. 274 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 274 The desk lamp on its steel swivel rises and falls in synchronization with its wheezing laughter. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ahhhh ha ha ha ha! 275 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 275 Terrified, he turns to more laughter. 276 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 276 A line of 12 old books upon the shelf flap open and closed violently as they emit a chorus of sharp laughs. Ash turns. 276A CLOSE SHOT 276A Other books upon the floor laugh. 277 MEDIUM SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 277 He turns sharply toward us and breaks into an uproariously frightening bout of laughter. 278 WIDE SHOT - ASH 278 The wooden door behind Ash comes to life. It stretches out as though it were elastic with each of its own low and terrible laughs. 279 WIDE SHOT - MAIN ROOM - TRACKING SHOT 279 RIGGING FOR TRAP DOOR, CABINETS, CLOCK Ash and everything in it are having the time of their lives. Ash leads the bunch laughing harder and harder. 279A MEDIUM SHOT - HAND HELD - FRONT DOOR AND ASH 279A KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The room's laughter suddenly stops. Ash instantly terrified, grabs up the shotgun and fires into the door. Blam! Blam! PAN to the front door. Two holes are blown into the door. We hear a short shrill scream and then all is quiet. 280 OMIT 280 281 OMIT 281 282 OMIT 282 282A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 282A Ash opens the front door. It slowly swings inward with a creak revealing the empty night. 283 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND JAKE 283 Ash approaches the front porch as Jake enters sharply into his frame. Jake tackles Ash. 284 MEDIUM SHOT - SHOTGUN 284 As it slides across the floor. 285 MED. SHOT - ASH, JAKE AND ED 285 Ed enters and holds Ash down as Jake slugs him twice. Ash's fist comes up into frame catching Jake on the jaw. Jake pulls back his fist and rockets a piledriver blow to Ash's face, knocking him senseless. 285A C.U. ASH 285A 285B C.U. JAKE 285B 286 MEDIUM SHOT - FRONT DOORWAY - THE GROUP 286 Annie and Bobby Joe enter. Annie is taking off Bobby Joe's coat. Bobby Joe is wounded from the shotgun blast. She holds her shoulder where the shell has grazed her. JAKE You gonna be alright, honey? BOBBY JOE I don't know. JAKE You just sit still fer a minute. 287 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE, ED, ANNIE, AND BOBBY JOE 287 As Jake gives Ash a swift kick in the ribs. Ash moans. Jake turns to Ed, who is badly shaken. JAKE You know this son of a bitch? ED No. We thought her - Annie steps forward. ANNIE Oh my God. Where are my parents? Annie sets down the glass case containing the pages of the Book of the Dead. 288 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 288 As she looks down to the floor. 289 ANNIE'S POV - THE CHAINSAW 289 As it lies in a pool of blood. 290 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 290 Annie runs to Ash's semi-conscious body, grabs his shirt and violently shakes him. ANNIE What the hell did you do to them? Ed pulls Annie off of Ash. She drops Ash's moaning head to the floor and backs away from him, sobbing. 291 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE 291 Nursing his sore knuckles, he points with his elbow to the trap door that leads to the cellar. JAKE We'll throw him in there. 292 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND ASH 292 Jake picks up Ash's body and drags him quickly to the trap door. Half conscious, Ash feebly struggles with Jake. JAKE Crazy buck's gone blood simple. 293 ASH'S POV - HAND HELD 293 As he approaches the trap door almost upside down. Ed pries it open. 294 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HAND HELD 294 In a dazed state as he is carried to the trap door. ASH Wait... I made... a mistake... JAKE Damn right, you flat mouthed son of a bitch. 294A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND JAKE 294A Jake kicks Ash down into the open trap door. 295 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 295 ASH DUMMY Looking up at the open trap door as Ash's body falls through frame. 296 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 296 CLOSE SHOT - CELLAR STEP - ASH'S HEAD As it slams into the wooden step. His feet tumble over him as he begins to fall down the staircase. 297 LONG SHOT - ASH - STUNT 297 As he tumbles head over heels down the wooden steps. 298 ASH'S POV 298 Racing down the steps. 299 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 299 As he slams to the dirt floor of the cellar. Hard. He moans. 300 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 300 LOOKING UP TO THEM FROM CELLAR Jake, Ed and Bobby Joe. BOBBY JOE I hope you rot down there! 301 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 301 MEDIUM SHOT Ash begins to realize where he is. Growing terror on his battered face. ASH N... No. 302 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 302 ANGLE LOOKING UP Jake swings the trap door shut with a clanging of chains. 303 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 303 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH The shaft of light from above disappears and he is encased in the darkness of the cellar. From above he hears the threading of chains through eyeloops. 304 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 304 MED. SHOT - JAKE, ANNIE, BOBBY JOE, ED Jake has just laid Bobby Joe down upon the couch. He dresses her wound with a towel. Annie tosses down her coat on the chair at the writing desk. 304A MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 304A She spots the tape recorder and Kandarian Dagger. She moves to them. ANNIE These are my father's things. She turns on the tape recorder. High pitched feedback and the professor's screams come from the speaker. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on Tape) Last night Henrietta tried to kill me. ANNIE PROFESSOR KNOWBY SHHH! Listen! (Voice on tape) My father's voice. I know now, that my wife has become host to a kandarian demon. 305 MED. SHOT - JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ED 305 As they turn their heads to the sound of: 306 CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER - TRACKING 306 Still playing, the tapes wind as we hear the wowing and fluttering voice of Raymond Knowby. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) I cannot bring myself to dismember my wife, yet I know that I must, to halt the evil that lives within her. 307 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE - TRACKING IN 307 Horrified. ANNIE No. 308 OMIT 308 309 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 309 MED. SHOT - ASH - TRACKING AROUND HIM As he lays in the center of the cellar's earth floor. He strains his ears to listen to the tape playing in the room above. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) It is October 1, 4:33 p.m. Henrietta is dead. I could not bring myself to dismember her corpse. But I buried her. 310 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 310 TRACKING CLOSER As he listens intently to the tape playing in the room above. 311 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 311 TRACKING SHOT - TAPE RECORDER CAMERA SLOWLY MOVING IN on the winding tape. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) I . . . buried her . . . in the cellar. 312 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 312 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - TRACKING CLOSER Growing horror on his face as he realizes where he is. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) God help me, I buried her in the earthen floor of the fruit cellar! 313 OMIT 313 314 OMIT 314 315 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 315 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT - (STOP MOTION ANIMATION) Ash's legs in the foreground. Suddenly from the earthen floor of the fruit cellar a half-rotten human head juts up! Just the eyes are above the surface of the dirt. They dart about wildly and halt upon Ash. Worms crawl from the rotted forehead. 316 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 316 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He screams. 317 MED. SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - MOCK UP OF CELLAR 317 SET Henrietta's arm rips through the earth and grabs Ash's leg as he tries to back away. The corpse that was Henrietta pulls itself from the grave and emits a wail. She turns her twisted body to face Ash. Moths fly about her in a flurry. HENRIETTA Someone's in my fruit cellar! Someone with a fresh soul! 318 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 318 MED SHOT. - THE GROUP All eyes on the trap door. ED Somebody's down there with him. ANNIE No. Can't be. 319 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 319 MED. SHOT - ASH He runs up the steps to the trap door and begins pounding furiously upon it. 320 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 320 ASH Let me out! Let me out!!! 321 MED. SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) - WIND FAN 321 Henrietta lets out a terrible laugh and approaches the wooden staircase. 322 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 322 MED. SHOT - THE GROUP All eyes are on the banging trap door. ASH'S wild screams are coming from beneath. They look at one another, not sure of what to do. Jake holds the ring of keys. ANNIE Let him out. JAKE It's a trick. I know it. ANNIE LET HIM OUT! 323 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 323 WIDE SHOT - ASH At the top of the steps, pounding on the trap door, screaming to be let out. HENRIETTA ENTERS the FRAME at the bottom of the steps. A flutter of moths about her. 324 WIDE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) 324 Henrietta begins to climb the steps. Two at a time. HENRIETTA Come to me. Come to sweet Henrietta. 325 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 325 MED. SHOT - JAKE As he tries one key after another. 326 CLOSE SHOT - KEYS 326 As they are forced into the lock. 327 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 327 CLOSE SHOT - ASH Sweating at the top of the steps, watching as Henrietta approaches. ASH No. 328 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA 328 Extending her rotted and worm infested arm toward him. HENRIETTA Yesssssss. You and I. We shall spend eternity together. 329 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 329 Marie's shadow envelops him. He is petrified. HENRIETTA But first I'll swallow your soul ! 330 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 330 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA - (STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN) With a sharp recoil, then spring, Henrietta makes a lunge at Ash. Her face contorting, her teeth lengthening, her mouth opening impossibly wide as though she were going to swallow his head, and all as she lunges forward. She changes to "Pee Wee" head. 330P INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT - 35MM KODAKCHROME SLIDE 330P Plate for previous scene. 331 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 331 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He screams as a set of bloody hands grab his face. But they are not Henrietta's. He is pulled upward to the main room of the cabin. 332 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 332 CLOSE SHOT It is Jake who pulls Ash to safety. 333 WIDE SHOT - MAIN ROOM 333 Jake finishes pulling Ash up from the trapdoor and onto the floor of the main room. The horrible face of Pee-Wee head Henrietta pops from the cellar! 334 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ED 334 SCREAMING at the sight of the beast. ANNIE For God's sake! That's my mother! 335 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 335 One of Henrietta's rotted hands reach up from the cellar grabbing Jake. 336 CLOSE SHOT - ED 336 As he moves to help Jake, Henrietta swats at his jaw, knocking him backward into a picture frame. He shatters it with his head and slumps to the floor. 337 MED. SHOT - ASH 337 As he moves toward the trapdoor. 338 CLOSE SHOT - (STYROFOAM TRAPDOOR) 338 Ash's foot kicks the trapdoor shut and crushes Henrietta's Pee-wee head between the door and the floorboards. 339 MED. SHOT - DUMMY OF HENRIETTA - PEE WEE HEAD 339 Ash leaps down upon the trapdoor, slamming it to pin Pee-Wee head sideways. The pressure sends her left eyeball popping from her head, like a cork from a champagne bottle. 340 CLOSE SHOT - EYEBALL FLYBALL 340 Henrietta's eyeball and trailing optic nerve - mounted on glass - panning with the eyeball as it sails through space. 341 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE (REVERSE ACTION) 341 As the eyeball is shot into her screaming mouth. She begins to gag on it. 342 WIDE SHOT 342 Jake kicks Marie's Pee-Wee head in the face, sending her back down into the cellar. The trap door shuts. Ash leaps atop it. The sound of Henrietta falling down the cellar steps is heard along with the beast's wild ravings. Ash quickly threads the chains through the eyeloops. 343 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 343 He snaps the lock shut. Ash is shaking. Jake slowly moves down into his frame. He is completely terrified. 343A CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER IN F.G. 343A ASH, JAKE, ANNIE AND BOBBY IN B.G. The tape recorder continues to play. RAYMOND KNOWBY (V.O.) (Voice on tape) I fear that whatever I have resurrected from this book, is sure to come calling for me. 344 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 344 (SHAKI-CAM) The CAMERA takes the POV of the Evil Force as it glides through the woods. Over a stump, around the Oak trees, through a patch of fog, as the cabin comes into view. 345 OMIT 345 346 MED. SHOT - ANNIE, ASH, JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ED 346 Ash turns to the group, Annie is placing her wet bandana atop Ed's forehead. ASH There's something out there. That... witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives out in those woods. In the Dark. Something that's come back from the dead. 346A OMIT 346A 346B OMIT 346B 346C OMIT 346C 346D OMIT 346D 347 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE 347 Interrupting Ash. BOBBY JOE Jake, let's beat it the hell out o'here, right now. I gotta get out! JAKE Now Bobby, you ain't in no condition. ASH Nobody goes out that door. Not till daylight. 347A THE GROUP 347A They freeze in their tracks as they hear a gentle voice which sings a melancholy tune. Annie turns her head to the sound and the CAMERA PANS TO reveal HENRIETTA whose head juts in the space between the floorboards and the trap door. She is no longer possessed. She looks as she did earlier in the film. She is singing a gentle song to Annie. 347B CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA 347B HENRIETTA Remember that song Annie? I used to sing it to you when you were a baby. 347C CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 347C Uncertain of what to do, but wanting to believe. HENRIETTA Let me out, dear. It's so cold and dark in here. ANNIE Mother? HENRIETTA Unlock these chains. Quickly. 347D MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 347D Annie starts to follow the instructions, but Ash halts her gently. He shakes his head. Annie snaps out of it. She shakes her head and looks to the cellar. ANNIE No. No. I don't know what you are but you're not my mother. Annie begins to cry. 347E CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR 347E Henrietta is crying also. VOICE OF HENRIETTA How can you say that to me Annie? ANNIE No! VOICE OF HENRIETTA You were born September 2nd, 1962. I remember it well because it was snowing. So strange that it would be snowing in September. 348 CAMERA TRACKING IN ON ANNIE 348 Confused and tearful, she screams to the others in the room. ANNIE That thing in the cellar is not my mother! Ed stands sharply into her frame. His eyes bone white, his skin, the pale color of the dead. His mouth has grown over large. His lips are black. He is possessed. He shrieks. Annie screams and jumps back out of frame. 349 MED. SHOT - ED POSSESSED 349 RIGGING - REVERSE ACTION He flies up into the air and writhes about as if he were a human marionette. He lets out a demonic moan and then begins to laugh. 350 MED. SHOT - BOBBY JOE AND JAKE 350 As they clutch in fear at one another. 351 MED. SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 351 As they look on in horror. Ash steps in front of Annie as she gapes at this monstrosity that was Ed. 352 CLOSE SHOT - ED POSSESSED 352 RIGGING As he floats about the room. His laughter suddenly stops and a second demonic voice comes from his body. It is female, and wailing in lament. 353 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 353 Watching in horror. 354 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED RIGGING - UP AND DOWN The body of Ed turns sharply toward the group, not really seeing. ED (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) We are the things that were. (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) And shall be again! HA HA HA HA HA! (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) Spirits of the book. (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) We want what is yours! LIFE! As he floats about, his head dips and swoons. ED (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) Dead by dawn! (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) Dead by dawn! 355 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA POSSESSED 355 Sticking her gnarled head from the cellar. HENRIETTA Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn! 356 WIDE SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE IN FOREGROUND 356 RIGGING - DOLLY CART Ed floating, turns his head sharply to Bobby Joe. The Possessed body of Ed rushes through the air towards her. He opens his mouth wide open. 357 ED'S POV 357 As he quickly rushes upon a screaming Bobby Joe. 358 CLOSE SHOT - ED AND BOBBY JOE 358 He bites into Bobby Joe's head. With a single motion he rips out the bulk of the hair from her head with a terrible RIIIIIIIIP SOUND. 358A MEDIUM SHOT - ED DUMMY 358A Stands up into frame with a clump of Bobby Joe's hair in his mouth and swallows it. 359 WIDE SHOT - GROUP 359 Bobby Joe collapses to the ground. 360 MED. SHOT - HENRIETTA POSSESSED 360 As she calls from the cellar. HENRIETTA Free me! Unlock these chains! 361 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED 361 He turns to the trap door and moves toward it. 362 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 362 Both horrified. Ash retreats. Annie is shocked as she watches Ash back into the middle bedroom and disappear. 363 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 363 ANNIE Where are you going?! HELP US!! You filthy COWARD! 364 ANGLE FROM TRAP DOOR - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE 364 Possessed Ed moves toward the trap door. Jake comes up quickly behind Ed to grab his shoulder. 365 JAKE'S POV - DUMMY OF POSSESSED ED 365 As Jake's hand reaches for the shoulder of possessed Ed. The head of possessed Ed spins around on its neck so that it faces Jake. 365A CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ED 365A ED (In the voice of a woman) We see you! 366 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 366 Screaming as Ed's hand enters frame, and snags Jake's face. He tosses Jake upward. 367 CLOSE SHOT - ED POSSESSED 367 As he tosses Jake upward. 368 HIGH-WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE STUNTMAN 368 REVERSE ACTION - UNDERCRANKED Jake flies upward towards the ceiling of the cabin. 369 INT. CABIN CEILING - NIGHT (CEILING SET PIECE) 369 MED. SHOT A prop light bulb "Shining" in its fixture. Jake's head comes flying up into frame, shattering it, and slamming into the wood ceiling and then falling back down again. 370 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 370 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE STUNT MAN As Jake slams back down to the floor of the cabin. 371 MED. SHOT - ASH 371 As he reappears in the doorway of the room. Now he clutches an axe in his single hand. 372 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED 372 As he grabs the chains that secure the trap door ready to rip them loose. He turns his head to see: 372A OVER POSSESSED ED'S SHOULDER 372A Ash approaches with the axe. 373 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE AND OFF SCREEN 373 DUMMY OF ED Ash exits the frame and we are left with Annie and the stark shadow of possessed Ed which is cast upon the wall behind her. We watch as the shadow of Ash with the axe, slices through the top portion of possessed Ed's head. Annie screams as she is splattered with green bile. 373A CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ED DUMMY 373A Missing Ed's right hand portion of his head. His brain, shriveled like the inside of a pumpkin. 373B POSSESSED ED'S POV - ASH - EYEMO CAMERA AND MOUNT 373B Ash stands before us, his axe dripping green bile. Ed's arms flail wildly on either side of the camera, groping at the air. He slowly falls over and slams to the floor. 374 OMIT 374 375 OMIT 375 376 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED (FRAMED WITH AND W/O HEAD) 376 Ed's body falls to the floor. It lays quiet for a moment and then begins to writhe and scream in its demonic death throes. Finally, he is silent. 377 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE - POSSESSED ED DUMMY 377 Ash turns to her. ASH Start up that saw and hand it here! We're gonna cut him up. Annie looks to the chainsaw and then to the unmoving body of Ed. She is repulsed at the thought. ANNIE No. ASH START IT UP! ANNIE NO! Possessed Ed stands up quickly into frame! The evil force having re-animated his lifeless body. 377A CLOSE SHOT ASH - OVER POSSESSED ED'S SHOULDER 377A FLYING PLATFORM As a hand grabs Ash's throat. Possessed Ed exits frame, revealing it to be Ash's evil hand on his own throat. It lifts him into the air. 377B CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET 377B As they are lifted off the floor. 377C CLOSE SHOT ASH 377C He pries the evil hand from his throat and falls. 377D ASH/EVIL HAND 377D As he slams to the floor the evil hand scurries away in the B.G. 378 OMIT 378 379 OMIT 379 380 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED DUMMY AND ANNIE 380 Annie is screaming in horror. Possessed Ed backhands her across the face. 381 MED. SHOT - WRITING DESK 381 Annie slams into a desk shattering it to splinters of wood. She falls to the floor. 382 MED. SHOT - ASH 382 As he grabs the axe. 383 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED - DUMMY 383 As he stands sharply into frame. His mouth wide open and screaming. 384 MED. SHOT - ASH AND POSSESSED ED 384 Terrified, as he moves toward possessed Ed with the axe. 385 MED. SHOT - ASH AND POSSESSED ED DUMMY 385 RUBBER AXE Ash brings the axe down upon Ed's shoulder, knocking him to the floor. ASH swings the axe again and again. Different colors of bile and blood fly up into frame as Ash chops. 385A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 385A Screaming at the sight. 386 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 386 His axe blade rises and falls as black demon blood flies up into frame. 387 CLOSE SHOT - LOW ANGLE - FLOOR LEVEL 387 ASH AND ED DUMMY PARTS Ed's missing portion of his head sits upon the floor. His eye in extreme C.U. in the foreground. It looks wildly about into the CAMERA. In the background, we watch Ash bring down the axe until all is silent. 388 WIDE SHOT 388 Jake slowly stands into the empty frame. He is in shock from what he has just seen. Annie slowly rises into frame - shaking her head in a silent "No." Ash slowly rises into frame, terrified. They are looking down at the out-of-frame remains of possessed Ed. 388A OMIT 388A 389 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - MITCHELL 389 The moon has grown larger. Fog billows past the cabin. 389P EXT. NIGHT - THE FULL MOON 389P 390 OMIT 390 390A MAIN ROOM NIGHT - ASH, JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ANNIE 390A Jake sprays a can of air freshener about the room. He holds his nose. Ash tosses a bloodied sheet, containing the remains of possessed Ed to the floor. It lands with a sickening thud. Wiping his face with a rag, Ash moves off in disgust. We hold on the bundled sheet as the trap door next to it silently opens. Henrietta's rotted hand emerges, unnoticed by the others in the room. BOBBY JOE Jake, I can't take no more of this. Henrietta's rotted hand pulls the bundle of body parts silently down into the cellar and quietly closes the trap. 390B MEDIUM SHOT JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 390B Jake moves to the window and looks out. JAKE That's funny. BOBBY JOE What? JAKE That trail we came in here on... well, it just ain't there no more. Like the woods jus' swallowed it. The room goes quiet. The sound of the wind outside the cabin has died. Jake and Bobby Joe cock their heads to this new silence. 391 OMIT 391 392 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 392 She looks about the room, getting scared. ANNIE It's so quiet. Ash stands slowly into frame. He knows that it can't be good. 393 WIDE SHOT - THE GROUP 393 As they raise their heads to a distant pounding sound. It grows louder. BOOM - BOOM! BOOM - BOOM! JAKE What the hell is it? ASH Maybe something... Something trying to force its way into our world. BOOM! BOOM! BANG! BAM! 393A EYEMO CAMERA/MITCHELL CAMERA - GROUP 393A The cabin WALL. Bang! 393B THE FRONT DOOR - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393B 393C THE BOARDED WINDOW - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393C BANG! 393D THE CEILING BEAMS - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393D BAM! 393E A SECTION OF WALL - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393E 393F A SECTION OF THE TONGUE AND GROOVE FLOOR 393F EYEMO - MITCHELL - GROUP BAM! 393G ASH - C.U. 393G 393H JAKE - C.U. 393H 393I ANNIE - C.U. 393I 393J BOBBY JOE - C.U. 393J 394 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 394 Bobby Joe runs to Jake's arms. He clutches her tightly. 395 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 395 Annie runs to Ash. He holds her. The pounding sounds halt. Again they are left in silence. Annie awkwardly disengages herself from Ash. They hear a sound coming from the middle bedroom. BOBBY JOE It's in there. 396 MEDIUM SHOT - DOOR TO MIDDLE BEDROOM 396 It is opened a crack. 397 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 397 ASH We'll all go in together. JAKE Hell no, you're the curious one. 398 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 398 He moves toward the door. ANNIE I'll go with you. Ash nods to Annie in a show of thanks. He grabs the axe, and pushes open the door to the middle bedroom. Annie follows with the flickering oil lantern. 399 INT. MIDDLE BEDROOM - NIGHT 399 The door to the main room creaks open. Ash and Annie cautiously enter. They look about the place. 400 ASH'S POV - MIDDLE BEDROOM - NIGHT 400 As the CAMERA PANS the shadowed corners of the room. 401 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 401 An eerie whistling wind is heard. It has an other worldly sound, very far off. 401A MEDIUM SHOT - DOORWAY TO MIDDLE BEDROOM 401A Bobby Joe and Jake enter the room, drawn by the sound. 401B CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE 401B She looks about, frightened. 401C OMIT 401C 401D MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 401D Jake takes Bobby Joe's hand. Bobby Joe smiles, frightened. 402 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 402 Waiting. 403 MEDIUM SHOT - PANNING THE DARK ROOM 403 As the eerie whistling sound grows louder. It is followed by the angry sound of something moving violently about the room. A shattering of glass. 404 OMIT 404 405 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 405 WOOOOOSH! The group is hit with a tremendous blast of air. They shiver from the cold. 406 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 406 The wind in the room suddenly stops. He blows out his breath and watches it vaporize. The screaming face of Raymond Knowby emerges from the wall. A life like spirit made of swirling smoke and mist. RAYMOND Annie. 406P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 406P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 407 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 407 They turn to the ghost in fear. 408 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 408 Awestruck. Bobby Joe crosses herself. JAKE Holy Mother O'Mercy. 409 OMIT 409 410 OMIT 410 411 OMIT 411 412 OMIT 412 413 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GHOST OF RAYMOND 413 RAYMOND There is a dark spirit here that wants to destroy you. Your salvation lies in the pages from the Book of the Dead. The ghost of Raymond points to Annie's glass case. CAMERA PANS to it. Inside are the pages from the Book. 413P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 413P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 414 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 414 Listening. 415 ANGLE - THE GROUP AND THE GHOST OF RAYMOND 415 RAYMOND Recite the passages. Dispel the evil. Save my soul... And your own lives. The ghost of Raymond screams and is gone. 415P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 415P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 416 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 416 Whoosh! Again they are hit with a blast of air. 416A MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 416A BOBBY JOE Jake, you squeezing my hand too tight. JAKE I ain't got your hand, baby. BOBBY JOE Then who...? Bobby Joe raises her hand into frame, to reveal Ash's Evil Hand clutched in hers. Bobby Joe goes nuts, screaming and flailing about trying to throw the hand from her. She slams into the lantern, knocking it out. We lose them in the darkness. JAKE'S VOICE Somebody get the light! The sound of chairs being pushed over. The sound of a door opening and closing. 417 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 417 As he lights the lantern illuminating the room. CAMERA PANS over to reveal only Jake and Annie. 418 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 418 Looking about. JAKE Hey. Bobby Joe's gone! 419 OMIT 419 420 OMIT 420 421 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 421 Screaming, Bobby Joe makes a mad dash away from the cabin. It diminishes in size behind her, she has had enough of it. 422 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - DRAGWAY 422 MEDIUM SHOT - BOBBY JOE - TRACKING As she races through the woods. 423 CLOSER - JONES' CREEK 423 She runs deep into the woods, still looking behind her as she slams into a twisted oak tree that stops her flat. An angry face appears on the surface of the tree. Its gnarled bark folds open to reveal very human like oversized eyes. A large fold in its bark opens to form a gaping mouth dripping tree sap saliva. TREE FACE BAHHHH! 423A CLOSE SHOT - TREE FACE 423A 424 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE - (REVERSE ACTION) 424 JONES' CREEK Screaming as she backs away from this living tree as a flurry of snake like vines pick themselves up off of the ground and come to life about her. 425 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE'S LEGS - (REVERSE ACTION) 425 JONES' CREEK Two living vines wind their way toward her legs and coil around her ankles tightly. 426 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE - JONES' CREEK - 4 RIPS 426 She lets out a short shrill scream, as her shirt is torn away from her. 427 MED. SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 427 Living vines wind around Bobby Joe's torso and breasts in a furious wrapping motion. 428 CLOSE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 428 A living vine wraps around her throat. 429 CLOSE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 429 Tiny vines wrap around Bobby Joe's hand and fingers. 429A EXT. JONES CREEK - NIGHT 429A SHOTS OF VINES COMING TOWARDS CAMERA 430 MED. SHOT - RIGGING - STUNT 430 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK Bobby Joe, wrapped in vines, is reeled backwards and ripped through a wall of branches. 431 MED. SHOT - PANNING - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT 431 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK At a great speed, Bobby Joe is pulled away from the cabin and towards the forest by the vines. 432 BOBBY JOE'S POV - OVER HER LEGS - RIGGING EFFECT 432 STUNT - UNDERCRANKED - REVERSE ACTION - DRAGWAY As the vines rocket her on a speeding FAST MOTION joyride along the forest floor. 433 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE'S FACE 433 RIGGING EFX - DRAGWAY As she drags along the forest flctor, the smaller vines force their way into Bobby Joe's nose and mouth and then under the first layer of her facial skin. 433A TRACKING SHOT - DRAGWAY - DUMMY AND STUNT 433A She is pulled along the ground and down into a foxhole (dummy). Camera continues tracking along her original trajectory until we come to the second foxhole where she emerges, now covered in mud, and screaming. 433B ANGLE - DUMMY - JONES' CREEK 433B Bobby Joe rips through spikes extending from a log and is dragged through two mud puddles. The vines wisk her away. 434 EXT. SWAMP - NIGHT 434 PANNING SHOT - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT She hits a swamp with a giant splash, but even this does not stop her. 435 LONG SHOT - SWAMP 435 ROOSTERTAIL WATER SPRAY EFX - STUNT She glides across the surface of the swamp with a great roostertail spray of water, as if she were on water skis. 436 ANGLE - RIGGING EFX - STUNT - SWAMP 436 She hits the other side of the swamp and is rocketed out of the water and across the forest floor. 437 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - JONES' CREEK - DUMMY 437 STATIC CAMERA - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT - UNDERCRANKED Bobby Joe comes roaring towards us, screaming. She rips past. 438 STATIC CAMERA - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT 438 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK From BEHIND CAMERA Bobby Joe appears and goes racing into the distance. 439 BOBBY JOE'S POV - OVER HER LEGS - DRAGWAY 439 RIGGING EFFECT - UNDERCRANKED - STUNT Darting in and around trees, a major stump is coming right for her. Bobby Joe's legs spread wide. The tree stump races closer. Bobby Joe SCREAMS . . . her last. 439A TREE STUMP'S POV - BOBBY JOE APPROACHES 439A UNDERCRANKED 439B BOBBY JOE'S LEGS - STUMP - DRAGWAY 439B STOP MOTION - REVERSE ACTION Girl meets stump. 440 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - OVERCRANKED 440 LOW SHOT - LOOKING UPWARD PAST THE STUMP - BLOOD GEYSER EFX We hear the RIP! And watch as a geyser of blood floods up into the night sky. 441 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - OVERCRANKED 441 CLOSE SHOT - GLASS CASE CONTAINING PAGES FROM BOOK OF THE DEAD It falls away from the CAMERA and shatters on the table beneath us. 442 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 442 As their hands scramble at removing the pages from the bits of broken glass. 443 MED. SHOT - JAKE IN FG - ASH AND ANNIE IN BG 443 Jake is looking out the boarded window of the cabin, searching for some sign of Bobby Joe. 444 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 444 JAKE'S POV - THE DARK WOODS - WINDOW FRAME All is silent as fog rushes in and around the woods. JAKE Where the hell is she? 445 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 445 MED. SHOT - JAKE AND ASH AND ANNIE Jake turns to Ash. JAKE We gotta go out there and find her! ASH If she went out in those woods, she's not coming back. Jake turns back to the window. Ash turns to Annie. He glances down at the pages that Annie is looking over. 445A ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT - PAGES AND ANNIE 445A One of the pages is a clear pictorial of Ash as the "Hero from the Sky." 445B ASH AND ANNIE 445B Ash shudders. ANNIE What is it? ASH Felt like someone just walked over my grave. It's that picture. Annie looks to it. 445C CLOSE SHOT - PAGE OF THE BOOK OF THE DEAD 445C CONTAINING ASH'S "HERO FROM THE SKY" ILLUSTRATION. 445D ANNIE AND ASH 445D ANNIE In 1300 AD. This was the "Hero from the Sky," who was prophesized to destroy this Evil. ASH He didn't do a very good job. What about the passages? 446 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 446 As she quickly gives the pages a cursory glance. ANNIE Here it is. Two passages. For the first time, she smiles at Ash. ANNIE We've got it! 446A - 446H OMIT 446A - 446H 447 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 447 Finally seeing his salvation, his face shows hope. 447A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 447A Annie reads through the pages. ANNIE Recitation of the first passage will make this "Dark Spirit" manifest itself in the flesh. ASH Why the hell would we want to do that? Annie thumbs through one or two of the other pages. ANNIE Recitation of the second passage creates a kind of rift in time and space, and the physical manifestation of this spirit can be forced back through this rift... to an earlier time and place. At least that's the best translation I can .... CLICKITY CLICK 448 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 448 Annie and Ash look up to the source of the sound. 449 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE 449 He has just snapped a shell into the firing chamber of the shotgun. He points it at Ash and Annie. JAKE I'm runnin' the show now. 450 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 450 Standing together, confused. 450A CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 450A JAKE We're goin' outside into those woods to look for Bobby Joe, an' once we find her, we're gettin' the hell outta here. ASH If you want to look for her, go ahead. JAKE You two comin' with me. I ain't goin' out there alone. ASH NO, YOU IDIOT. You'll kill us all. She's dead by now. With these pages we can... Jake grabs the pages from Annie's hand. JAKE Those pages don't mean shit. Jake kicks the pages down into the cellar. Ash and Annie look on in horror. JAKE 'Sides. Now you ain't got no, choice. Jake pushes at Ash with the barrel of the shotgun. JAKE Now move! Ash hesitates. JAKE Move you son of a bitch! 451 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 451 Ash, Annie and Jake exit the cabin. 452 EXT. FRONT PORCH OF CABIN - NIGHT 452 TRACKING BACKWARD Ash, Annie and Jake walk towards the woods. In the FG is Ash. He looks off past the CAMERA in fear. 453 ASH'S POV - WOODS - NIGHT ROD PUPPETS - STUDIO 453 As he approaches a line of trees whose branches bend and sway with a threatening motion. 453A EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING BACKWARD 453A ASH, JAKE, AND ANNIE ASH No trail. Which way do you intend to go? 453B CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 453B Looking confused and frightened. He calls out desperately. JAKE Bobby Joe! 453C EXT. WOODS NIGHT - POV EVIL FORCE 453C As it glides through the woods. We hear a muted shout from Jake. JAKE (O.S.) Bobby Joe, where are you girl? And the POV of the force suddenly swings about to reveal Jake, Ash, and Annie not to far away. 453D EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - ASH 453D As he moves deeper into the woods. 453E EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - ANNIE 453E As she searches the woods with her eyes in fear. 453F EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - JAKE 453F As scared as the rest of them, but driven to find Bobby Joe. 453G POV EVIL FORCE - EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 453G As it approaches the group. 453H EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - FOAM SHOTGUN STOCK 453H JAKE, ASH, AND ANNIE JAKE Bobby Joe! Bobby Joe! Ash approaches Jake. ASH You'll get us all killed. JAKE Shaddup! Jake slams Ash across the face with the stock of the shotgun. Ash plummets to the ground. Annie screams! She goes after Jake. Jake slugs her and she falls to the ground. 453I EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - JAKE, ASH, AND ANNIE 453I POV - EVIL FORCE It draws closer. 453J EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - JAKE - CLOSE SHOT 453J Raging to the night! JAKE Bobby Joe! 453K EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 453K POV of Evil Force racing up to the group. 453L EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 453L Jake halts his screaming. He listens in the silence as possessed Ash juts up into the frame! His eyes are bone white, his flesh, the pale color of the dead. His lips, black. He bellows to the night! 454 - 473 OMIT 454-473 474 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 474 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE She screams and stumbles backwards, towards the cabin. 475 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - CRANE 475 MEDIUM SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - JAKE DUMMY - FLYING RIG Possessed Ash lifts Jake up above his head and throws him into a large tree. It explodes in a blast of sawdust as the dummy slams into it. 476 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 476 MEDIUM SHOT Annie dashes inside and turns to look out the open doorway. 477 EXT. CABIN - ANNIE'S POV - THRU THE OPEN DOORWAY 477 All is quiet outside, no sign of Possessed Ash or Jake, and then Possessed Ash is there, emerging from the darkness suddenly. He raises his finger and points to Annie. He speaks in the low garbled voice of a demon: POSSESSED ASH JOIN US! 478 INT. CABIN - MED. SHOT - ANNIE 478 She rushes to the door, hoping to get there before Possessed Ash. 479 MED. SHOT - ANNIE AND POSSESSED ASH 479 She slams the front door shut just in time. 480 MED. SHOT - ANNIE - WRITING DESK 480 She picks up the Kandarian Dagger. CREAK - SNAP! A sound coming from somewhere in the rear of the cabin. She turns toward the door to the hallway. 481 - 486 OMIT 481 - 486 487 ANNIE'S POV - THE DOOR TO THE HALLWAY 487 It is closed. 488 OMIT 488 489 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 489 She moves to investigate the sound. As she approaches the rear door to the hall and slowly opens it. 489A ANNIE'S POV 489A As the door to the hallway is pulled open, revealing ... only the empty hallway. 489B INT. CABIN HALLWAY - NIGHT 489B ANNIE She breathes a sigh of relief. 490 ANNIE'S POV 490 As she moves down the hall. It is dark. Curtains flutter on the boarded windows. 491 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 491 As she moves towards the rear of the cabin. 491A INT. HALLWAY/EXT. CABIN - LOCATION - ANNIE'S POV 491A THE WINDOW AND WOODS BEYOND We approach the window and look out into the night. Fog billows through the trees, and in the distance the monster that is Ash emerges. He heads toward the cabin and disappears in a bank of fog. 491B INT. HALLWAY (STUDIO) 491B Annie is frightened. She spins her head to a sound. 492 ANNIE'S POV - THE REAR DOOR OF THE CABIN 492 Creak! The doorknob is turning. Something is trying to get in. 493 ANNIE - MED. SHOT 493 She forces her back to the wall. She tenses with the dagger, ready to slay whatever should enter. 494 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 494 She waits. 495 CLOSE SHOT - THE KANDARIAN DAGGER 495 Gripped tightly in Annie's sweating hands. 496 CLOSE SHOT - DOORKNOB 496 Rattling violently now. And suddenly it opens. 497 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE'S HANDS 497 As they swing the dagger. 498 CLOSE SHOT 498 As the dagger imbeds in the intruder's chest. CAMERA PANS UP quickly to reveal a gasping Jake. 499 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND ANNIE 499 Jake falls to the ground, half in and out of the doorway. He is still alive. 500 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 500 As she backs away in horror, clutching at her head. ANNIE No! She backs to a partially boarded window. 501 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 501 Possessed Ash juts up into frame in the window behind her. Annie screams and runs toward the open back door. Possessed Ash spots the open door through the window and begins to move around the side of the house. 502 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 502 As she goes to slam the door. 503 MED. SHOT - JAKE 503 As he lies moaning in the doorway, the door slams upon him. 504 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 504 As she reaches down and pulls Jake's body out of the way. 505 EXT. CABIN/REAR - NIGHT 505 POSSESSED ASH As he moves around the side of the cabin, tearing apart a trellis that stands in his path, and three hanging flowerpots as he approaches the open door. 506 INT. CABIN BACK HALLWAY - NIGHT 506 MED. SHOT - ANNIE Again she tries to slam the door. 507 MED. SHOT - JAKE'S DUMMY ANKLE 507 Which lies in the door's path, preventing it from closing. 508 EXT. CABIN/REAR - NIGHT 508 OVER POSSESSED ASH'S SHOULDER As he approaches the back door. He grabs the screen door and tears it loose with a single motion. 509 INT. CABIN REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 509 ANNIE As she pulls Jake's ankle from the door and slams it. All is again silent. 509A INT. CABIN - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT - ANNIE AND JAKE 509A Annie kneels down next to a moaning Jake, driving the dagger in a little deeper by accident. He cries out in pain. JAKE Get the axe. Kill it. Kill it. Jake moans and dies. 509B CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 509B As she turns her head to the sound of breaking glass. 509C TRACKING SHOT - ANNIE - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 509C As she cautiously approaches the main room. 509D ANNIE'S POV - REAR HALLWAY/MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 509D As she moves towards the main room. 509E MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - ANNIE 509E Annie enters the room. She shudders from the cold. CAMERA PANS with her glance to broken glass upon the floor, and over to reveal the bashed out window and the curtains fluttering in the wind. 509F MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 509F Petrified. Looking about. Knowing that the monster Ash may be lurking close. 509G WIDE SHOT - ANNIE 509G As she moves about the main room, picking up the axe. With her back toward us she doesn't notice Ash's hand appear suddenly in the foreground atop the writing desk. She turns suddenly towards camera. 509H OVER ANNIE'S SHOULDER 509H Ash's evil hand sits upon the table. It scampers off. Annie turns and comes face to face with Possessed Ash! He bellows at her and grabs her as she shrieks bloody murder! 510 OMIT 510 511 OMIT 511 512 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 512 WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH AND ANNIE - DUMMY He picks her up and swings her across the room, into the wall. She slumps to the floor unconscious. 513 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 513 As he lumbers toward her. 514 ASH'S POV - STAR FILTER - MIRROR NECKLACE 514 As he moves closer to her unmoving body. A glitter of light on the floor, next to her, catches his eye. 515 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 515 For the first time, calm, as he looks intently down at the floor. He kneels closer. 516 ASH'S POV - (STAR FILTER) 516 The NECKLACE of Linda. 517 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 517 The sight of the necklace strikes the human cord within him. He is confused, his evil self, battling for control of his spirit and body. He reaches to pick it up. 518 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 518 As he slowly picks up the delicate silver necklace. He raises it to his face; LINDA (V.O.) I'll never take it off. And then it hits him. The emotion of love lost. It floods the monster that is ASH. He clutches the necklace tightly to his bestial chest. And as the Love/waltz theme sweeps up in volume on the sound track, the monster begins to cry. 519 WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH AND ANNIE - TULIP CRANE 519 Ash raises his head and lets out a low, lamenting, and pitiful wail. A man trapped in the shell of a beast, crying for the one he has lost. 520 MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - 50% POSSESSED 520 As he raises his head. Tears stream down from his eyes, washing away the caked on blood. 521 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH (REVERSE ACTION) 521 BLADDER EFX - 50 - 20% POSSESSED His face begins to change. His skin loses its white pallor. His blackened, infected cuts disappear. The swollen and cracked surface of his face begins to heal. 522 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) - MINIATURE 522 EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - DUMMY HEAD W/FLUID EYE CHAMBER Ash's eyes change from white to brown. 523 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 523 As the last tears roll down Ash's face, he is once again human. Ash looks up suddenly with a start. 524 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 524 EXPLODING FLOOR As he rolls out of the way a moment before the head of the axe buries itself in the wooden floor. Splinters fly. 525 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 525 EXPLODING WALL EFX Rolls to his feet and stands. He ducks as Annie enters frame, charging him with axe, screaming. ASH No. WAIT! Annie swings the axe and again Ash ducks. The head of the axe slams into the plastered wall smashing right through. 526 CLOSER - ASH AND ANNIE 526 Ash grabs her tightly with his remaining hand. ASH Listen to me! I'm all right now. That thing is gone. Ash pushes her away. Annie falls to the floor. She stands. 527 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 527 EXPLODING WALL EFX Catching his wind for a moment. Then rolls to the side as the axe again comes at him! SLAM! The head of the axe slices into the wall only a few inches from his head. 528 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 528 As he grabs Annie by the face and forces her backwards. ASH GOD DAMN IT! I said I was all right!! Annie is nearly choking. ANNIE Okay. Ash releases her gently. She again looks to Ash, cautiously. ANNIE Are you sure? ASH You'll be the first to know. I'm fine. 529 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 529 ANNIE Yeah, but for how long? If we're going to beat this thing, we need those pages. 529A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 529A As he turns to the trap door. ASH Then let's head down into that cellar... 529B CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR 529B It lies silently against the floor. A rasping breath can be heard from below. 529C CLOSE SHOT - ASH 529C He turns from the trap door to Annie. ASH ...And carve ourselves a witch. 530 EXT. WORKSHED - NIGHT 530 Ash's hand flips open the latch on the shed door. 531 INT. WORKSHED - NIGHT 531 The door is kicked open, revealing the silhouette of Ash and Annie as they stand in the doorway. 532 WORKSHED SHELF 532 Rats scurry for safety as the shaft of light from the door hits them. 533 HANGING BULB 533 ASH'S hand pulls on the cord, turning on the light. 534 WORKSHED TABLE 534 Ash's arm sweeping the chains and pieces of wood onto the floor. 535 OMIT 535 536 OMIT 536 537 OMIT 537 538 THE HOSE CLAMP 538 Is tossed down upon the workshed table. 539 A SECOND HOSECLAMP 539 Is tossed down next to the first. 540 ANNIE'S HANDS 540 Hold down a clamp as ASH'S hand, creates screw sized holes in it with a battery powered drill. 541 ANNIE'S HANDS 541 Attach the hoseclamps to a piece of red steel. 542 ANNIE'S HANDS 542 Attach the red piece of steel to ASH'S stump, via the clamps. 543 ANNIE'S HANDS 543 Attach a "V" type hook Around Ash's neck, just above his bicep. 544 ASH'S HAND 544 Slams down the chainsaw upon the table. It is missing its side panel. ASH'S arm enters frame and we see that it is this missing side panel that has been clamped to his stump. 545 CLOSER SHOT 545 The panel slides into the side of the chainsaw with a sharp "CLICK". 546 ASH 546 As he bends the chainsaw to his chest. 547 CLOSE SHOT 547 The "T" shaped end of the starter cord falls neatly into the "V" shaped hook that is strapped around Ash's neck. 548 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 548 He looks up to Annie, the moment of truth. 549 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 549 Hair tousled over her sweating face, returns his glance, expectant. 550 WIDE SHOT 550 Ash extends his chainsaw arm, pulling on the starter cord. The CHAINSAW ROARS to life. With his free arm Ash raises the shotgun. He lowers the blade of the chainsaw down upon the barrel. Sparks fly as the saw cuts through it. The long barrel falls to the floor. Ash is left with a sawed off shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw strapped to his other arm. With a fancy style western flip to the gun Ash saddles the shotgun in a makeshift holster, strapped to his back. The CAMERA SLOWLY TRACKS into Ash's face. ASH Groovy. 551 - OMIT 551 551A EXT. CABIN/WORKSHED - NIGHT - INKY PUPPET 551A In the distance, the tiny figures of Ash and Annie as they move from the workshed to the cabin. In the foreground is a large oak tree. A gnarled human- like face can be made out on the surface of the tree. It is lit from beneath and slolwly brought up on a dimmer. A horrible twisted tree face. It suddenly opens its mouth and breathes in a gust of air with a terrible wheezing sound, as though in great pain at being brought to life. It turns sharply towards the cabin. 552 CLOSE SHOT - DINKY PUPPET 552 Second tree face, brought up on a dimmer, opens its mouth and loudly draws in air, also in agony. 553 CLOSE SHOT - MOE PUPPET 553 A third tree's twisted face, two human eyes opened wide on its surface. It breathes, then barks a guttural sound. 554 MED. SHOT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 554 In the foreground is the base of a large oak tree. The cabin in the distance. A rumbling is heard. Then suddenly the tree pulls one of its massive roots from the earth. The tree sets its root down a few feet closer to the cabin. 555 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 555 WIDE SHOT - TREE PUPPETS An entire line of trees. All pull their roots free from the soil and take an awkward and lumbering step towards the cabin. 556-564 OMIT 556-564 565 INT. MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 565 CLOSE SHOT - THE BLADE OF THE CHAINSAW Begins cutting through the wood of the trap door. 566 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 566 Tensing with her axe, ready for the beast to spring. 567 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW BLADE 567 As it completes the second cut in the wood of the trap door. 568 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 568 As he finishes the slicing job and kicks open the trap door. 569 LOW ANGLE - ANNIE AND ASH - FROM CELLAR LOOKING UP 569 The broken bits of the trap door fall past the camera, as they cautiously peer down into the cellar. 570 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 570 ANNIE'S POV Looking down into the cellar. No sign of Henrietta. The bottom of the steps disappear into blackness. ASH Those pages are down there somewhere. 571 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 571 MED. SHOT - ASH He kicks aside the broken trapdoor and slowly descends into the darkness. 572 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 572 MED. SHOT Ash arrives at the bottom of the steps. He looks about the dark corners of the cellar trying to find some sign of Henrietta or the pages. 573 OMIT 573 574 OMIT 574 575 ASH'S POV 575 Panning the cobwebs and dark stone walls of the cellar. Half hidden in the shadows we see two of the missing pages. 575A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 575A As he moves through the cellar and grabs the pages. He spots another page somewhat deeper into the cellar. 575B ASH'S POV 575B A fourth and fifth page lay upon the earthen floor, at the base of the cellar's rear door. 575C ASH - CLOSE SHOT 575C Ash moves to pages and gathers them. Annie's voice calls down. ANNIE (O.S.) Did you find her? 576 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 576 ASH She's playing hard to get... He pumps the throttle on the buzzing saw. ASH ... rid of. Behind Ash, unseen by him, a shadow darts by. 577 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 577 He hears a sound. 577A ASH'S POV - 577A It is coming from the door to the cellar's rear room. 577B ANGLE - ASH 577B He reaches for the door and opens it. Revealing darkness beyond. Ash enters. Again he hears the slight sound, a gentle ticking. 578 INT. CELLAR - REAR ROOM - NIGHT - ASH'S POV 578 The ticking sound is coming from behind a hanging drape. 579 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 579 He approaches the drape, reaches out his hand and pulls it back sharply. Revealing an old water heater, ticking and steaming. 579A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 579A He breathes a sigh of relief as the half eaten skeleton torso of Ed falls atop him! Ash screams and steps suddenly away. 579B ASH'S POV 579B Ed's skeletal carcass falls to the earthen floor still wrapped in the bloody sheet. 579C CLOSE SHOT - ASH 579C Looking on in horror. ASH (In a whisper) She got hungry. Ash turns from the skeleton and quickly gathers up the remaining pages from the Book of the Dead. Getting scared now, he backs into the cellar's front room. 579D INT. CELLAR - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 579D As he moves towards the steps. He tosses up the bundle of pages. 579E MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 579E Peering down into the cellar, she grabs the pages. 579F MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE - MAIN ROOM 579F She rushes over to the writing desk and begins translating. 580 INT. CELLAR - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 580 Getting scared now, decides to exit the cellar. He climbs the steps. 581 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET 581 As they climb. From behind the wooden steps, the horrible head of Henrietta appears. Her two rotting hands grab at Ash's ankles. 582 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 582 He looks down with a scream. 583 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA/ASH'S DUMMY FEET 583 HENRIETTA Come to me. Come to sweet Henrietta! Her face pulls back behind the cellar steps. Her hands pull ASH's feet in after her. 584 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - CAMERA RIG 584 As Ash falls, he slams his jaw down upon the bottom step. 585 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW ARM 585 As the spinning blade jams into the step, stalling the engine. 586 LONG SHOT - ASH DUMMY - AND HENRIETTA'S HANDS 586 (UNDERCRANKED) In an instant, his entire body is pulled beneath the steps. 587 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 587 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE As she sits at the writing desk, reciting the first of the passages. ANNIE Nos-feratos-allo-memnon-kanda! She puts aside the pages and glances up suddenly at the faint sounds of the struggle from the cellar. 588 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 588 LONG SHOT - ASH - CELLAR STEPS (UNDERCRANKED) Ash's badly mauled body rips through the staircase with a great force. 589 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 589 As he slams into the earth floor of the cellar. He moans, and looks towards the steps. 590 ASH'S POV - THE WOODEN STAIRCASE (REVERSE ACTION) 590 As a cackling Henrietta appears where the bottom section of staircase used to stand. 591 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 591 MED. SHOT - ANNIE As she races from the writing desk to look down into the cellar. 592 OVER ANNIE'S SHOULDER - UNDERCRANKED 592 As she kneels down at the trapdoor, about to call down to Ash when the witchlike figure of Henrietta floats quickly up into the main room from the cellar. A flurry of moths about her. HENRIETTA Free! Free at last! 593 WIDE SHOT - ANNIE 593 As Annie attempts to move from the trap door. Henrietta is clutching at Annie's hair and laughing with a demonic malice, as she spins about the room in mid air. 594 CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR - ANNIE'S FEET 594 Ash's bloodied arm slings itself over the edge of the trapdoor. He pulls himself up into the main room. 595 MED. SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - 595 HENRIETTA AND ANNIE Henrietta turns sharply to Ash with a growl. 596 MED. SHOT - ASH 596 He stands and jerks out his chainsaw arm sharply. The cord is pulled and the engine roars to life! 597 MED. SHOT - HENRIETTA 597 As she leaps through the air toward Ash. 598 HENRIETTA'S POV - RACING AT HIM - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 598 Ash swings his buzzing chainsaw. 599 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S GNARLED HAND 599 As it grabs the body of the chainsaw, halting it in mid swing. 600 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND HENRIETTA 600 As she keeps the buzzing chainsaw at bay with one hand, while her other grabs at Ash's throat, strangling him. 600A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 600A As he is slammed through the window. 600B ASH AND HENRIETTA 600B Ash kicks her in the stomach. Henrietta is furious. 600C CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED HENRIETTA - MITCHELL CAMERA 600C STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN She grits her teeth, concentrates, and her neck begins to grow. She begins to change to Pee Wee Head. 600CP PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 600CP INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT CAMERA PANS UP on "B" wall. 601 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA - MITCHELL CAMERA 601 STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN As the pee wee Head transformation continues, Henrietta's neck grows, like a jack in the box. It extends a solid five feet upward, so that her head is now looking down upon Ash baring its teeth. 601P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - ASH - MITCHELL CAMERA 601P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 602 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - TULIP CRANE 602 CAMERA CRANING UP ON HIM Ash gapes in fear at this monstrosity that looms above him. 603A INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 603A POSSESSED HENRIETTA PUPPET - MEDIUM SHOT Her neck undulating like a snake, she bites and snaps. HENRIETTA I'll swallow your soul, swallow your soul! 603B ASH - CLOSE SHOT 603B He reacts. 603C WORKING DUMMY HENRIETTA HEAD ON "FLYING HEAD RIG" 603C AND ASH Henrietta swoops at Ash as he keeps her at bay with the buzzing chainsaw. 603 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 603 STOP MOTION - REAR SCREEN - LOOKING UPWARD AT HENRIETTA'S HEAD She opens her mouth impossibly wide, exposing those nasty rows of jagged shark like teeth. She dive bombs him. 603P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - BART-O-FLEX 603P Plate for previous scene. 604 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD AND ASH 604 As her head springs down into frame and halts suddenly inches from his face. In the silence we hear the reason: Annie's voice singing the same melody that her mother had sung to her earlier from the cellar. For a moment Henrietta's face loses its evil malice. She is confused at this sound. Henrietta halts. She spins her head toward Annie. 605 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 605 As she finishes the melancholy song. 606 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA 606 MAGIC BLADE AND GUIDE TRACK RIG Still confused, suddenly she shrieks and the chainsaw comes buzzing through her from behind. The spinning blade juts out from Henrietta's midsection. 607 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND HENRIETTA 607 BODY PARTS ON WIRES Body parts (2 arms) fly past the camera on wire. Ash slices and dices. Henrietta screeches like a wild banshee. 608 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD AND ANNIE IN B.G. 608 As Pee Wee Head spins toward Ash, furious. HENRIETTA Swallow your soul! 609 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 609 Swings his chainsaw arm in a sharp arc. 609A ANGLE - HENRIETTA 609A Henrietta's head is sliced from her neck with a chainsaw. Steam pours from her neck. 610 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD - OVERCRANKED 610 As it flies up into frame, sliced from its neck. 610A ASH 610A As he completes the arc of the chainsaw. 611 CLOSE SHOT - DUMMY HENRIETTA PEE WEE HEAD 611 W/ SMALL SECTION OF NECK As it hits the floor. 612 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA'S BODY 612 It's neck spouts steam, wagging about like a snake. Behind her Annie watches as the body topples to the floor. 613 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 613 He looks down. 614 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD SCREAMING AT HIM: 614 HENRIETTA'S HEAD Swallow your soul! Swallow your soul! Ash's foot steps down upon her head, pinning it to the floor. Her neck still writhing. 615 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 615 He unsaddles his sawed off shotgun from the holster on his back. He points the barrel at her head point blank. ASH Swallow this. He pulls the trigger. BLAM! Flame barks from the gun. 616 3 CAMERAS - CLOSE SHOT HENRIETTA AND GUN BARREL 616 (OVERCRANKED) GELATIN HEAD - SQUIB Her head explodes into a million pieces. 617 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 617 Annie is crying. Ash holsters the gun. ASH May she rest in pieces. 618 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 618 As they look at each other for a quiet moment of relief. Ash shuts off the chainsaw. Annie moves slowly to Ash's arms. He holds her. 619 CLOSER - ASH AND ANNIE - MAIN ROOM - KITCHEN IN B.G. 619 They pull apart and look into each others eyes. Annie holds the pages. Maybe they can get away after all. A LOUD BOOMING echoes throughout the cabin! As though the outside walls of the place were being bombarded by cannon balls. The kitchen wall behind them buckles. 620 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND "D WALL" 620 SQUIB ON MIRROR As the B - board of the wall behind Ash falls away revealing battered logs. The mirror shatters. 621 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND "A" WALL The wall cracks beneath the terrific force of whatever is outside hammering upon it. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! 622 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE - THE SOFA 622 "B" WALL CAMERA TRACKS in on them as they look about in fear. Dust is falling about them. The cabin walls are starting to break apart. There is a tremendous "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" type jolt to the cabin. Ash and Annie stagger for footing. 623 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - BOARDED WINDOW 623 Ash grabs ahold of the window frame to brace himself. 623A CLOSE SHOT - VINES - INT. MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 623A REVERSE ACTION - VINES Vines wrap about the planks which cover the window. 623B MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - BOARDED WINDOW 623B Behind him, the planks in the window are ripped away by finger-like vines. A terrifying tree face on the surface of a giant oak is revealed, as it peeks in through the window at them. 624 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 624 She screams. She turns toward "D Wall" at a loud wrenching sound. 625 MEDIUM SHOT - "D" WALL WINDOW 625 As vines reach in the cabin, tearing away the planks revealing an even more horrible tree face. 626 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 626 TREE PUPPET A tree beats its branches furiously upon the EXT. wall of the cabin. It rips apart the cabin's stone chimney. 627 ANGLE - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 627 TREE PUPPET A second gnarled tree slams its trunk against the rear door of the cabin. 628 LONG SHOT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 628 TREE PUPPET The entire cabin is surrounded by a group of lumbering oaks. All working to get in at Ash and Annie. 629 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 629 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE Annie runs to the writing desk. She flips through the missing pages from the Book of the Dead. Dust from the ceiling drifts down. ANNIE (shouting above the noise) No! I only completed the first of the passages. And that was to make the evil a thing of the flesh! 630 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 630 POV EVIL FORCE As it roars out of the woods, and towards the distant cabin faster than we've ever seen it. 631 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 631 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he runs over to Annie. ASH You didn't finish it?! ANNIE There's still the second passage. The one to open the rift and send the evil back. ASH Start reciting it. Now! 632 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 632 POV EVIL FORCE As it rockets towards the cabin doing 80 mph. 633 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 633 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE Shouting to be heard as she continues reading from the passage: ANNIE Tar-tra Kanda-Estra! Hudsucker Proxy -- Kanda! 634 OMIT 634 634A EXT. CABIN - WOODS - NIGHT 634A The forest at night. Bubbling smoke appears, then flame. Through the smoke, the beginnings of a winding spiral of a cloudlike material. 634AP1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 634AP1 SMOKE AND FLAME - MINIATURE (STUDIO) 634AP2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 634AP2 The rift. 635 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 635 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE ANNIE Aton-Neran-Ofas! 636 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 636 POV EVIL FORCE As it races right up to the front door of the cabin. 637 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 637 MED. SHOT - ANNIE - WIND FAN Reading from the passage. Behind her, the front door rips open and in comes a giant rotten apple head of the evil entity made flesh. A SHRIEKING, BULBOUS BEHEMOTH! 638 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 638 STOP MOTION ANIMATION CLOSE SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN Ash as he witnesses the most horrible sights a man can behold. Ash's black hair streaks white before our eyes. Behind him, two flowers in their pots wither and die in seconds. ASH Finish it! 638P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 638P Plate for previous scene, with dying flowers. 639 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 639 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE - WIND FAN ANNIE Kanda! Samonda Roba Areda Gyes Indy En-zeen, Nos-Feratos - 639A CLOSE SHOT 639A Annie as she gasps. 639B MED. SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (3 SEC.) 639B Annie as she falls to the floor, dead. Jutting from her back is the Kandarian dagger and hanging onto the end of the dagger is Ash's demon hand. 639 C,D,E, OMIT 639 C,D,E 640 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND WINDOW ON "B" WALL 640 ASH No! CRASH! Behind Ash a living tree branch rips through the cabin window! 641 MED. SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN - WRAPPING EFX BRANCH 641 Ash turns suddenly to get away. Too late. The living branch wraps about ASH'S waist and lifts him, screaming, OUT OF FRAME. 642 MED. SHOT - ASH IN GRIP OF TREE BRANCH - WIND FAN 642 Ash is being lifted toward the gaping mouth of rotten apple head. Ash is frantically jerking out his arm in an attempt to start the chainsaw strapped to his wrist. PUTT, PUTT, PUTT. It won't start. As the face of rotten apple head looms close, it opens its terrible mouth, ready to consume him. 643 CLOSE SHOT - ASH IN GRIP OF GIANT TREE BRANCH 643 From inside the creature's mouth looking out. Ash is screaming as he is brought towards its gnashing teeth. PUTT, PUTT, PUTT. His chainsaw still won't start. 643A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 643A Half dead as she crawls to the pages on the floor and gasps out the final sentences. ANNIE Nos-feratos - Amen-non. Ak-adeem! Razin - Arozonia! 643B EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 643B WIDE SHOT - REVERSE ACTION The rift grows more powerful. 643BP PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 643BP The rift. 644 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 644 Sweating and terrified. He draws closer. 645 ASH'S POV 645 The CAMERA tracks in toward the mouth of rotten apple head. It's massive jaw jutts from the head, biting and snapping. Sap-like saliva drips from the orifice. Ash's feet kick at the mouth of rotten apple head, trying to keep it away. Its jaws snap at his shoes. 645A C.U. - ASH'S FEET - PUSHING AT THE GUMS OF 645A RAH'S MOUTH. SNAP! The massive teeth snap together biting Ash's foot in half. 645B C.U. ASH 645B He screams, then looks down to his foot. 645C C.U. ASH'S FOOT - (OVERLARGE SHOE) 645C Missing the leather toe section, he reveals that he still has his toes intact. 646 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 646 As he sharply jerks his arm outward! The CHAINSAW ROARS to life! He raises it high above his head and plunges it forward. 647 WIDE SHOT - ASH AND ROTTEN APPLE HEAD 647 Ash thrusts the spinning chainsaw blade into the single eye of the beast. 648 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 648 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW As it punctures the giant eyeball and then pulls free. Green sauce spouts from the creature's wound. 649 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 649 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he is doused in the green bile. SPLAT! 650 CLOSE SHOT - ROTTEN APPLE HEAD 650 Eyeless, it screams in anger. 650A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 650A With her last gasp. ANNIE ....Kanda! 651 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 651 WIDE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) As the rift pulls in fog and trees that surround the house. 651P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 651P1 SMOKE AND FLAME - MINIATURE (STUDIO) 651P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 651P2 The Rift. 652 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 652 WIDE SHOT As rotten apple head is sucked out the doorway of the cabin. The door slams shut behind it. Its scream echoes off into the distance. 653 OMIT 653 654 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 654 MED. SHOT - ASH Slices through the bracch. 654A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 654A Ash and cut branch fall to the floor. 655 MED. SHOT 655 The cabin becomes much more quiet. The sounds of the trees are gone. Ash looks to Annie. She is dead. Ash moves to her, strokes her hair and begins to cry. ASH You did it. By God you did it. He lowers his head and begins to heave in sharp convulsive breaths of despair. 656 - 661 OMIT 656 - 661 662 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 662 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN Behind Ash the front door RIPS open with a TREMENDOUS BLAST. The door is sucked down into the rift. All of the objects in the room are sucked through the open doorway and down into the rift, including the pages of the Book of the Dead. 662P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 662P1 662P2 SECOND PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 662P2 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 662P3 EXT. PLATE/WOODS 662P3 663 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 663 WIND FAN Ash grabs ahold of the kitchen window ledge so as not to be swept outside by the force of the vacuum of the rift. Objects and papers fly past him. 664 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 664 Upon the kitchen window ledge. The ledge tears free. 665 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 665 As he screams, flying backward, towards the open door. 666 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO/PARTIAL SET/ 666 BLUE SCREEN) MEDIUM SHOT - WIND FAN - SAM-O-CAM The open doorway to the cabin. Ash flies towards it and is snagged from going through by the section of ledge that he holds. 666P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 666P 666P1 EXT. WOODS - PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 666P1 667 EXT. CABIN FRONT PORCH - NIGHT (STUDIO) 667 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WIRE RIGGING FOR FLYING His body is horizontal, his feet dangling in air, in the direction of the rift. 668 CLOSER - 668 Ash as he hangs on for dear life. Objects continue to fly past on wires. ASH For God's sake, how do you stop it? 669 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 669 BLUE SCREEN CLOSE SHOT - FLYING RIG The nails in the section of ledge that Ash holds TEAR loose and the ledge SNAPS in two. He spins wildly away from us and towards the rift. 669P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 669P 669P1 EXT. WOODS - PLATE 669P1 670 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUNT) WIRE RIGGING 670 Ash is rocketed through the air, spinning somersaults. 671 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 671 ASH ON FLYING RIG Ash is sucked down into the swirling rift. Like a particle that is swallowed by a deep funnel of draining water. The rift closed behind him. 671P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 671P1 671P2 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 671P2 Plate for previous scene. 672 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 672 ASH ON FLYING RIG We are now within the vortex. A swirling mass of colors and clouds. And nightmarish sound effects. Objects come AT US from the distance and roar past, an uprooted tree, the grandfather clock with its hands winding backwards at an incredible rate, Ash spinning AT US, hand over foot, screaming. The chainsaw still mounted to his wrist. 672P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE VORTEX 672P 673 INT. STUDIO - (STOP MOTION/BLUE SCREEN) 673 ASH The vortex is distorting Ash's features as he is rocketed back through the dark void of time. 673P1 OMIT 673P1 673P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE (STOCK FOOTAGE) 673P2 A wild and rapid pictorial collage of human history winding back from the present through the centuries lasting seven seconds. 674 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 674 WIDE SHOT A hole opens in the air with a sharp CRACKLING SOUND. Ash is spat from this hole and falls downward through frame. 674P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 674P EXT. SKY - DAY 674P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MINIATURE 674P2 SMOKE AND FLAME 675 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 675 MED. SHOT - GROUND - ASH - CAR CRANE - DELTA SHELLS Plunged to the dust. Debris from the demolished cabin rains down around him; his shotgun, the 1973 Delta 88 Oldsmobile and the old grandfather clock. 676 ASH'S POV. - THE RIFT IN THE SKY - MITCHELL 676 As it seals shut, leaving only the blue sky and the sound of tweeting birds. Ash's view of the serene sky changes abruptly as five steel helmets jut into his line of sight. Five armor-clad medieval WARRIORS stand directly over him. 676P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 676P1 676P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MINIATURE 676P2 SMOKE AND FLAME 677 OMIT 677 678 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND WARRIORS 678 As he looks to the warriors above him. The first warrior raises a bloodstained longsword and poises it above Ash's head. WARRIOR #1 Slay the beast! WARRIOR #2 'Tis a deadite! All raise their swords ready for the kill. 679 MED. SHOT - THE WARRIORS 679 Halt as they hear a piercing, high-pitched SCREECH. They turn their heads skyward. 680 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 680 Follows the Warriors' gaze. 681 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 681 (STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) MED. SHOT A "WINGED DEADITE," a female harpy like creature with the tail of a sea horse and man-sized bat wings, enabling it to fly. The screaming beast swoops down towards the warriors and horses. High above, the distant shapes of other Winged Deadites circle. 681P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 681P WARRIORS AND HORSES FOR SWOOP SHOT 682 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 682 (STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN) CLOSE SHOT - WINGED DEADITE She lets out a screaming banshee laugh, while swooping down. 682P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 682P EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DAY 683 WINGED DEADITE'S POV 683 (UNDERCRANKED) - CRANE - WIND FAN As we swoop down toward the warriors and Ash. 683A OMIT 683A 683AP OMIT 683AP 684 OMIT 684 684P OMIT 684P 685 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 685 MED. SHOT - ASH AND WARRIORS As he springs to his feet. With a lightning thrust he reaches behind him. 686 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 686 As he grabs at the gun from its holster. He swings it around front and pulls the trigger. 687 CLOSE SHOT - GUN BARREL - UNDERCRANKED 687 It discharges flame. 688 CLOSE SHOT - DUMMY HEAD OF DEADITE BLOOD SQUIB 688 OVERCRANKED - STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN It explodes. 688P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL 688P EXT. KANDAR SKY 689 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 689 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) WIDE SHOT - WINGED DEADITE The beast continues to flap its wings and fly about a moment before falling to a heap in the dust. 689P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 689P WARRIORS 690 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 690 CLOSE SHOT - WARRIOR #1 As he looks to Ash. 691 MED. SHOT - WARRIORS 691 They follow his gaze. The CAMERA PANS TO Ash. He stands alone on a small pile of rubble clutching his smoldering shotgun. He looks about dazedly. He tries to get his bearings. 692 WIDE SHOT - WARRIORS 692 They falter. Unsure of how to react to this strange man, who a moment before was pronounced a Deadite. From the crowd, the Warrior #1 calls out: WARRIOR #1 Hail he, who has come from the sky, to deliver us from the terrors of the deadites! WARRIOR #4 Hail! WARRIOR #5 Hail! The cry is taken up by all. A line of medieval warriors bow. Then twenty. Then fifty. All remove their helmets and kneel silently in the dust. Somewhere in the distance a DRUM SOUNDS. Ash stands frozen. Terrified, unsure of where or when he is. Knowing only for the present, he is alive. As the wind kicks up blowing dust, Ash strikes a familiar pose. It is the same image of the "Hero from the Sky" that we saw earlier in the film. The strange "jagged edged longsword" is Ash's chainsaw. The CAMERA PULLS BACK from him as a great medieval castle rears up INTO FRAME. It is seen to be the castle of Kandar. The same castle we saw in the beginning of the film. Now, however, the castle is not a ruin, but brand new. As the CAMERA continues to pull back from Ash, the title "EVIL DEAD" appears on the screen acompanied by the distant ROAR of some dying animal: The SCREEN cuts to BLACK WITH A THUNDEROUS BOOM. THE ENDEVIL DEAD II BY Sam Raimi Scott Spiegel SEVENTH DRAFT - May 5, 1986 FADE IN: DE LAURENTIIS ENTERTAINMENT GROUP LOGO FADE OUT. FADE IN: RENAISSANCE PICTURES LOGO FADE OUT. 00 BLACKNESS 00 A sound is building. Like a living wind. A thousand screams in agony. From the blackness, gusts of smoke pull together quickly, forming the Main Title against black: "EVIL DEAD" Then beneath it, the Roman Numeral "II." A SLOW ZOOM brings it toward us. And as the screams reach their sharp crescendo the title zooms through us. FADE IN: 1 ANGLE - STOP MOTION ANIMATION 1 Whisping smoke against a black background. EERIE MUSIC. In the distance, through the smoke, a small object. It fans toward us quickly, filling the frame. It is an ancient skin covered volume, with the outline of a human face on it's cover. This is the Book of the Dead. NARRATOR Legend has it, that it was written by the dark ones: NECRONOMICON EX MORTES; Roughly translated...The Book of the Dead. The face on the cover of the book pulls away from its skin binding and leans toward the camera. EYES on the book blink open and peer at us. It's mouth opens and emits a hideous scream. The CAMERA races into the blackness of the screaming mouth. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 1P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - SMOKE 1P 2 A SPINNING VORTEX - (3 PAINTINGS ON AN ANIMATION 2 STAND) - 12 SEC. PLATE Spiraling downward. NARRATOR To trace the origin of the Book, we must go back...back...to a day when spirits ruled the earth. Wispy shapes of animated ghosts move through this vortex, coming toward the CAMERA with WAILING and MOANING and then are gone. NARRATOR When the seas ran red with blood. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 2P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - ROD PUPPET GHOSTS 2P 3 STOCK FOOTAGE - (OPTICALLY COLOR SEPARATED) 3 A raging ocean of blood. Great waves rise and swell as if before a storm. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was this blood that was used to ink the book. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 4 AN OPEN COPY OF THE BOOK OF THE DEAD - ANIMATION 4 STAND - BLUE SCREEN IN BG Through animation, the blank pages of the Book are scripted in a strange hieroglyphic by an invisible hand. Faster and faster the pages turn on the Book as the blood red ink is scrawled across them. The pages flip furiously until the Book snaps shut, reveal ing its gruesome face on the cover. The book flaps violently away from camera. NARRATOR (V.O.) The Book of the Dead was last seen in 1300 A.D. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 4A OMIT 4A 4AP OMIT 4AP 4B OMIT 4B 4C OMIT 4C 4D OMIT 4D 4P STOCK FOOTAGE - THE RIFT 4P 5 EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DUSK - 4 WARRIORS - 4 HORSES 5 CAMERA panning down to reveal a magnificent newly built castle of stone. Bright banners fly from its turrets. An ox grazes nearby. 4 Warriors on horseback in the BG. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was then that the dark spirits again rose up to battle the living. The ground in front of the castle begins to split apart. A red glow and smoke pour from the growing crevice. Something evil is being unleashed. A strong wind kicks up blowing sand in a furious rage. 5A EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DUSK 5A TRACKING SHOT - ASH Through the blowing silt, a lone figure appears. An image of power and light. His clothing is ragged, and he holds what appears to be a jagged toothed longsword. Two massive columns of stone stand on either side. CAMERA slowly moves closer, but his face is still hidden by the darkness and blowing sands. NARRATOR (V.O.) It is said that a hero came from the sky. A man who defeated this evi and buried the Book in the Castle of Kandar. And there it lay for 700 years... DISSOLVE THRU TO: 6 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY - RUINS 6 As the raging dust storm clears to reveal the same castle which we saw earlier, but now, in a ruined state. It has aged 700 years. The ox is gone. Now only its petrified skeletal remains stand in a weathered heap. NARRATOR (V.O.) ...Waiting. A four wheel drive vehicle roars PAST THE CAMERA and toward the castle. 7 INT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY - (STUDIO) 7 TRACKING SHOT The CAMERA slowly tracks in toward the Book of the Dead as it sits in the darkness of the stone tomb. Next to it rests the KANDARIAN DAGGER, an ancient knife, its handle fashioned from the skull of a weasel. They rest upon a small pedestal covered with cobwebs. Prominently displayed on the stone wall, a bas relief of the "Hero from the Sky" holding his unusual jagged edged weapon. NARRATOR (V.O.) And then... The grinding of rock scraping against rock is heard, and a large stone is swung open on a secret hinge in the wall behind the book. Wind sweeps in through the tomb, along with the blinding light from outside. A sharply silhouetted figure steps in the newly created doorway. The figure lights a torch that he holds, illuminating his face. This is PROFESSOR RAYMOND KNOWBY. An intelligent, grey bearded man in his late fifties. He lowers the cloth around his face that had been protecting him from the sand. He stares at the Book, awestruck. Behind him, two other figures appear in the entrance of the tomb. The first is a large school-marmish woman, the wife of Raymond Knowby, HENRIETTA. She moves to Raymond's side and takes his hand. Immediately behind her is their daughter, ANNIE KNOWBY; twenty-four years old, strong stance and beautiful. Behind her a handsome looking man, ED GETLY, enters the tomb. He moves to Annie's side. They exchange excited glances. The CAMERA PANS down to the Book. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 8 INT. STUDIO - BLACK 8 MED. SHOT - FOG Billowing past the camera in front of a black drape. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 9 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 9 LONG SHOT An old log cabin, built in the valley of a dark forest. A great wind billows fog about the place. NARRATOR (V.O.) Professor Raymond Knowby and his wife, HENRIETTA, brought the book to a small cabin where they could study it undisturbed. 10 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 10 Professor Raymond Knowby sits at a writing desk and transcribes passages from the Book of the Dead. A small framed photograph of his daughter Annie sits upon the table. Behind him, HENRIETTA sits knitting in a rocking chair. 11 CLOSE SHOT - RAYMOND 11 He speaks the phonetic pronunciation of completed sentences into the microphone of a tape recorder. RAYMOND Kanda...Es-trata...Ta-toon...Hazan sobar...Ear-Grets, Gat, ...Nos-feratos ...Amantos...Kanda! The sound of RAYMOND reciting the passages is faded down AS THE CAMERA SLOWLY TRACKS away from RAYMOND and over to HENRIETTA as she rocks back into the darkness and forward into the light. As she rocks forward into the light, she comes into FULL CLOSEUP revealing that her eyes have changed to a milky white. She continues to knit. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 12 INT. STUDIO - BLACK 12 MED. SHOT - FOG Blowing past the camera in front of black drape. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 13 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 13 A dank fruit cellar with shelves of half-rotten preserves. Raymond has his back to the stone wall. He is dictating into the tape recorder, sweating and distraught. RAYMOND It has only been a few hours since I've translated and spoke aloud the first of the demon resurrection passages from the Book of the Dead. The sound of heavy footsteps. Dust drifts down INTO FRAME. Raymond looks up to the ceiling of the cellar. It is also the floor to the main room of the cabin. He watches in horror as Henrietta's silhouette paces the floor above him. And then, the footsteps halt. RAYMOND And now, I fear that my wife has become host to a Kandarian demon. May God forgive me for what I have unleashed onto this earth. 13Y REVERSE ACTION 13Y The milky eyed possessed figure of HENRIETTA jolts quickly into the frame, and shrieks in the voice of a demon! Raymond Knowby screams. He drops the microphone. 13X CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER 13X As the microphone falls atop it. High pitched feed- back screams from the speaker. 13A CLOSE SHOT - RAYMOND 13A Screaming in terror. 13B CLOSER - RAYMOND 13B His fearful eyes fill the screen as the scream continues. 13C EXTREME C.U. RAYMOND'S EYE 13C Darting about wildly and the scream continues. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 14 INT. DARK TUNNEL - DAY 14 ROUNDY-ROUNDY - CAMERA MOUNTED ATOP VAN CAMERA MOVING swiftly down a dark tunnel. A light at the end growing closer. The SOUND of AIR RUSHING BY. The Delta 88 Oldsmobile comes ROARING out of the tunnel with a BLAST of AIR, and the sound of loud rock and roll music. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was one week later that a group of college students came to the cabin. 14A EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT 14A The Delta 88 Oldsmobile parked out front. Fog roars past the place. We faintly hear waltz music from within. The silhouette of a woman sweeps by the rear bedroom window. 14B INT. CABIN - REAR BEDROOM - NIGHT 14B ASH AND LINDA LINDA, an attractive college student, is waltzing in the semi darkness of the bedroom. She wears a "Michigan State University" sweatshirt. She hums melodically to the music as she moves. Around her neck is draped a delicate silver necklace. 14C MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND LINDA 14C A handsome young man, ASH, is playing the waltz music on an old wooden piano. Linda dances behind him. Ash is not a very good pianist, and can only plunk out the melody with two fingers. LINDA Ash, what's that you're playing? ASH Our song. Ash begins to play faster. 14D MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND LINDA 14D As she picks up the tempo, spinning and laughing, until finally Ash moves to her, halting her in mid spin. 14E CLOSE SHOT - LINDA 14E Out of breath, hair tousled across her eyes, she stares deeply into Ash's eyes. Her lips, parted, in a sensual manner. 14F CLOSE SHOT - ASH 14F He returns her stare, lost in her beauty. He pulls her close. LINDA Ow! 14G SHE PULLS AWAY SUDDENLY 14G And looks down to the tiny silver necklace that she wears about her neck. 14H CLOSE SHOT - NECKLACE 14H In its center is a magnifying glass. 14I MEDIUM SHOT - LINDA AND ASH - TULIP CRANE 14I She looks from the necklace to Ash. LINDA I really love it. I'll never take it off. They kiss and now begin to dance together, to the haunting waltz melody that sweeps up upon the soundtrack. DISSOLVE THRU TO: NARRATOR (V.O.) It was in the cabin's cellar that they found the Professor's tape recorder, and the Book of the Dead. 14J INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 14J CAMERA tracks in toward the trap door. It opens by itself as we move down the steps into the blackness. 15 MEDIUM SHOT - INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 15 The CAMERA pans down from the blackness to Ash who finds a shotgun, Raymond Knowby's tape recorder, tapes, the Kandarian dagger and... 16 CLOSE SHOT 16 ...the shattered photograph of Annie Knowby and the Book of the Dead. 17 LONG SHOT - INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM 17 The group of students sit about the fire as they listen to the tape recorder. Coming from the speaker is the voice of Raymond Knowby reciting the demon resurrection passage. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (on tape) Kan Da, Es-trata ta-toon hazan sobar ...Ear-Grets, Gat... 18 MEDIUM SHOT 18 Linda takes Ash's hand. She's frightened. Ash smiles to comfort her. She nervously fingers the silver locket she wears about her neck. 19 CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER 19 PROFESSOR KNOWBY (on tape) ...Nos-Feratos...Amantos...Kanda! 20 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 20 The cabin is in the distance. In the foreground the earth begins to swell, then rips apart as a red glow emanates from beneath. Something evil is being unleashed. NARRATOR (V.O.) One by one, they fell to the possession of the dark spirits. 21 OMIT 21 22 EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA Her eyes pop open. They are bone white. She has fallen to the possession. 22A EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22A ASH AND LINDA Possessed Linda is coming after Ash. Ash back peddles, stumbles and falls. 22B ANGLE - ASH ON GROUND 22B As the Shadow of approaching Linda envelops Ash, he picks up a shovel from the ground. 22C LINDA LEAPS OVER THE CAMERA, TOWARD HIM. 22C 22D LINDA DUMMY 22D Ash swings the shovel, slicing off Linda's head. 22D1 LINDA'S DUMMY HEAD - ON WIRE 22D1 22E ANGLE 22E Linda's head rolls down the hillside and disappears into the darkness. 22F EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22F ASH AND LINDA Ash buries Linda's headless body. He jams a crude wooden burial cross into the earth of the grave. A bolt of lightning strikes. 22G HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD/CABIN - NIGHT - LONG SHOT - ASH 22G As he runs from the grave site and toward the cabin. 23 OMIT 23 24 OMIT 24 25 OMIT 25 26 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 26 NARRATOR (V.O) One man, Ash, destroyed the Book. Ash enters the cabin. He sees The Book of the Dead and tosses it onto the flames. 27 CLOSE SHOT - MELTDOWN - MAIN ROOM (STUDIO) 27 STOP MOTION ANIMATION A possessed demon begins to wither and melt. Flesh shrinks away from its skull and dissolves to nothing. NARRATOR (V.O.) But the evil that had been resurrected from it, lives on. 28 CLOSE SHOT - BOOK IN FIREPLACE 28 STOP MOTION ANIMATION The Book of the Dead is burned to cinders. The face upon the Book screams as it burns. 29 OMIT 29 29A INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - HIGH SHOT 29A Ash picks himself up from the floor. 29B INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM 29B Ash stands and clutches the necklace of Linda, in sorrow for his loss of her. 29C EXT. CABIN - DAWN - LONG SHOT 29C Ash staggers from the cabin. FADE OUT. 30 OMIT 30 31 EXT. CABIN - DAWN - RECREATION OF THE 31 FINAL SHOT OF EVIL DEAD I We are racing forward. We have taken the POV of an EVIL ENTITY as it glides with dark purpose through a section of woods. It approaches the rear door of the cabin. The door is torn violently open. The next door falls away from us. We approach the front door. SLAM! It jigsaws in two and we are again outside, now in front of the cabin. Ash is seen in the distance. He is staggering away, his back to us as we race at him. He turns suddenly towards CAMERA and screams. 32 EXT. WOODS - DAWN 32 INTERVOLOMETER STOP MOTION/CRANE - SAM-O-CAM The final shot of Evil Dead I has a new ending; an extension. Ash is caught by an invisible grip. "G" force is distorting Ash's face as he is rocketed backwards. He is swept hand over foot through the air. He reaches the edge of the woods and begins tearing through the branches and smaller trees, clearing a path with his body. He finally slams into a large ungiving tree trunk and he is knocked unconscious. 33 WIDE SHOT - LOOKING UPWARD - ASH - DUMMY - DAWN 33 As he falls from the tree branch and plummets towards the earth. 34 ASH'S POV - (CRANING DOWNWARD) - UNDERCRANKED - DAWN 34 A puddle of mud below, which rushes up upon us quickly. 35 MED. SHOT - MUD PUDDLE - ASH 35 As his head splashes down into the muddy water. 36 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - DAWN 36 He lifts his face from the mud, and turns toward us. His eyes have gone white. His skin is now a pale color, his lips, jet black. He is Possessed. A bright edge of morning sunlight moves across his face. He turns his beastly face skyward. 37 EXT. RIDGE - DAY (STUDIO) - MATTE PAINTING 37 LONG SHOT - THE SUN (Miniature) Rising over a mountain ridge. Sunlight streaming through a gaping hole in the parting clouds, in bright shafts. It pours through the trees. 38 MED. SHOT - THE SUN - MATTE PAINTING - MINIATURE 38 Closer on the sun as it looms larger and brighter. 39 CLOSE SHOT - THE SUN - MATTE PAINTING - MINIATURE 39 The frame is filled with the rising sun. 40 EXT. WOODS - DAWN - CLOSE SHOT - ASH - MUD PUDDLE 40 The bright edge of morning sunlight spreading across his face, he lets loose a demonic death shriek. 41 EXT. WOODS - DAY - (STUDIO) 41 EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FACE (STUDIO) DUMMY HEAD - LIQUID EYE CHAMBER - MINIATURE The white in Ash's eyes swirls about, and his pupils change back to their original brown color. 41A EXT. WOODS - DAWN 41A Ash, no longer possessed, collapses into the mud puddle, unconscious. 41B EXT. WOODS - DAY - REVERSE ACTION - FOG - 3 ANGLES 41B Streams of morning sunlight pierce the darkness of the woods. We hear the shriek of demons. The sound of SIZZLING. A great wind blows back fog into the darker sections of the woods. The scene grows brighter and the peaceful sounds of morning are faded up. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 42 EXT. WOODS - DAY 42 WIDE SHOT - ASH As he lies unconscious. Time passes. 43 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - CRANE - UNDERCRANKED 43 His eyes open. They stare blankly up at the sky. Then fear registers and we CRANE BACK QUICKLY, revealing a vast area of empty woods around Ash. 44 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 44 He sits up slowly into frame, looking fearfully about. 45 ASH'S POV 45 Panning the battered cabin and sections of the woods. All is peaceful. The sound of birds tweeting. 46 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 46 ASH (V.O.) It's gone. He looks up to the sky. 47 EXT. RIDGE - DAY - (STUDIO) - MATTE PAINTING 47 LONG SHOT - THE SUN - LATE AFTERNOON Just above the horizon. ASH Sun's driven it away... for now. Gotta get the hell out of here... before night falls. 48 OMIT 48 49 OMIT 49 50 OMIT 50 51 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 51 As he nods to himself, then suddenly glances up beyond the CAMERA. 52 EXT. CABIN - DAY - MITCHELL CAMERA 52 ASH'S POV - THE CABIN A perfectly normal log cabin with one exception; superimposed over the front of the place is... 52P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - (BLACK STUDIO) 52P MITCHELL CAMERA A hideous human skull with living eyeballs that stare out at us with evil malice. The eyes stare out from the two dark windows. The dark nose area is the open doorway, and the rotted teeth of the skull are the whitewashed stones placed at the foot of the cabin. Then it fades, leaving only the cabin. 53 EXT. WOODS - DAY - WIND FAN 53 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - MUD PUDDLE He shudders uncontrollably as he picks himself up from the mud. Ash MOVES INTO A CLOSE UP. His eyes shift back and forth like a trapped animal as he looks about for a means of escape. He spots something. 54 EXT. CABIN - DAY - ASH'S POV 54 THE DELTA 88 OLDSMOBILE Parked in front of the cabin. 55 EXT. WOODS - DAY 55 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He shifts his glance from the car to the road. 56 EXT. ROAD - DRIVEWAY TO CABIN - DAY 56 A narrow dirt road cutting through the woods. Then, the Delta 88 roars down it, and past the CAMERA. It kicks up dust and gravel. 57 INT. DELTA 88 - DAY 57 (CAR MOUNT) Ash is driving. He wipes the mud and blood from his face with a rag. As he pulls the rag away, his face forms a sudden look of horror as he sees: 58 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY (STUDIO MINIATURE W/BACKDROP) 58 CAR'S POV - TRACKING SHOT - STOP MOTION ANIMATION A GIANT STEEL HAND LOOMS towards us. It is the twisted remains of the steel and wood bridge that crossed a great mountain chasm. A LOUD SCREECH of brakes is heard on the soundtrack on this cut. 59 EXT. BRIDGE SIDE I - DAY 59 MEDIUM SHOT - DELTA 88 - PARTIAL BRIDGE SET As it pulls to a halt. Ash steps quietly from the car. He looks at the bridge. 60 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY (STUDIO MINIATURE W/BACKDROP) 60 ASH'S POV - BRIDGE A sign hangs from the twisted girders. It reads: "DANGEROUS BRIDGE - 2 TON WEIGHT LIMIT - CROSS AT OWN RISK." Beyond this we see the twisted remnants of the former bridge and the rock cliffs far away on the other side. 60A EXT. BRIDGE SIDE I - DAY - MITCHELL CAMERA 60A FROM RAVINE, LOOKING UPWARD AT ASH AND DELTA (5 FRAMINGS) Ash gapes at the uncrossable chasm. 60AP TWO CLIFF EDGES - (STUDIO) - MINIATURE 60AP 61 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY 61 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He is stunned at the sight. His only escape, gone. He looks from the bridge to the West. 62P1 PLATE FOR FOLLOWING SCENE 62P1 ASH'S POV - LONG SHOT - MOUNTAIN RIDGE - INTERVOLOMETER The sun is now resting on the horizon. Lower than it was before. It is BLOOD RED, and sets in the course of seven seconds. 62 INT. STUDIO (BLUE SCREEN) 62 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - PULLING BACK To reveal Ash as he looks from the sunset, to the ruined bridge, to the road behind him. He moves in halting steps, not knowing which way to turn. Ash opens his mouth, draws in his breath, and just as he begins to scream, we CUT TO: 62P2 OMIT 62P2 63 EXT. BRIDGE - TWILIGHT - POV OF EVIL FORCE 63 3 CAMERAS - BREAKAWAY TREES As it rises up from what appears to be the mountain chasm and reveals the opposite side of the twisted girders which form the "Giant Hand." It spots Ash immediately beyond. It moves swiftly towaad him. Ash looks up, sensing the evil and darts into the Delta 88. The FORCE moves through the twisted girders, pushing them away violently and races towaad the car. The Delta starts up and peels off. The Evil Force just misses it. The car doesn't have the room to complete the one hundred and eighty degree turn necessary to head back down the road the way it originally came, and is forced into a line of break- away trees which explode into sawdust as the front of the Delta 88 rips through them. The car swerves onto the road, headed back toward the cabin. 64 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT 64 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - CAR MOUNT As the broken bits of tree slam against his windshield. 65 CLOSE SHOT - CAR RADIO/TAPE DECK 65 As the channel switches suddenly to the hard rock song "Journey to the Center of Your Mind" which blares within the car throughout the chase to follow. 66 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT 66 POV - EVIL FORCE - UNDERCRANKED As it gives chase to the Delta. 67 TRACKING SHOT - DELTA - DRAGWAY - UNDERCRANKED - ATV 67 Alongside the car as it barrels along the wooded road. 68 EXT. DRAGWAY - NIGHT 68 TRACKING SHOT - DELTA - UNDERCRANKED - ATV As he drives this wild course. 69 POV - EVIL FORCE - UNDERCRANKED 69 As it begins to gain on the speeding automobile. 70 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT - UNDERCRANKED 70 OVER ASH'S SHOULDER Looking through the windshield, as branches beat and smash themselves against the windshield, obscuring our vision of the "Road" ahead. Our view suddenly clears, revealing a large tree that looms directly ahead. 71 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 71 Swerving the wheel. 72 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 72 ANGLE - DELTA - UNDERCRANKED It swerves and slams into a rotted tree, stopping it dead. 73 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT 73 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - UNDERCRANKED As he is rocketed forward from his seat. 74 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 74 ANGLE - FRONT OF DELTA - DUMMY OF ASH As Ash comes ripping through the windshield and past the CAMERA. 74A ASH'S POV 74A As he approaches the ground with a great velocity. 74B MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 74B As he slams into the earth with a rain of glass. He moans and gets to his feet. 75 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 75 POV - EVIL FORCE - BREAKAWAY TREES As it sweeps down out of the woods, pushing over trees, and approaches the Delta. Steam pours from the hood of the car. 76 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 76 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he runs. His face is cut and bleeding. 76A ANGLE - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 76A As he runs toward the cabin. (Actually he is running in place in the rear of a camera car that is slowly backing away from the cabin.) The more he runs, the farther away from the cabin he gets. 77 POV - EVIL FORCE 77 IMO CAMERA MOUNTED ON LONG POLE AND TRUCK - 3 DELTAS "RAM-O-CAM" It approaches the rear of the Delta, rips through the back window, moves through the car's interior, music still blasting, and bursts out the remains of the front windshield. We move through the steam of the radiator and approach Ash as he runs for the cabin. 78 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 78 As he runs toward the cabin not making much progress as though caught running in a nightmare. He shakes his head "No." 78A CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET AS THEY RUN 78A 79 ANGLE - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 79 Now closer to the cabin. (Again, Ash is running in place in the camera car as it slowly backs away from the cabin.) 80 POV - EVIL FORCE 80 Now quickly gaining its lost ground. Just a few feet behind Ash. 81 EXT. CABIN - LOCATION 81 SIDE SHOT - ASH As he runs up the porch steps to the cabin. 82 EXT./INT. CABIN - LOCATION 82 POV - EVIL FORCE We race into the cabin, splintering the hall door which Ash had swung shut. Ash retreats into the rear hallway, and swings the hallway door shut. We race right up to the door and it shatters into many pieces as we glide forward. 83 INT. CABIN - STUDIO - "MAZE SHOT" - FORCE POV 83 Camera moves through the main room and up to the Hallway door. It shatters in front of us. We close in on Ash as he races down the hallway. We lose him as he swings into the back bedroom of the cabin and slams the door behind him. We rip through this door and enter the rear bedroom, only to see Ash scrambling for the door to the middle bedroom, which we approach and he swings shut in our face. We rip through to reveal Ash scurrying into the Hallway. We follow him through the bathroom, the maze, and back out into the Hallway. We round the corner after him and see that Ash has led us into the main room, but there is not a trace of him. We look about for him, but he is gone. The hallway is bare except for a few dry leaves. 84 INT./EXT. CABIN - LOCATION - POV EVIL FORCE 84 The force begins to pull back with an ever-increasing speed, out the front door of the cabin, and deep into the blackness of the woods. 85 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 85 A static shot of the fireplace. All is quiet. Smoke from the near dead fire wafts up the chimney. We hold on this for a moment. 85A ANGLE - MIDDLE BEDROOM CLOSET - NIGHT 85A A static shot of a closet with it's door half open. The door begins to swing slightly open, revealing a rack of clothes inside. We hold on this for a moment. 85B ANGLE - CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT 85B A writing desk with some papers atop it. They begin to tremble and finally blow away from the light breeze that sweeps through the cabin. The CAMERA PANS down from this desk to reveal a trap door in the floor of the main room. The trap door to the cellar. It is raised up on its hinge an inch or so and in that slight space between the trap door and the floor we see Ash's eyes, looking cautiously about. He breathes a sigh of relief. 86 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 86 The cabin in the distance. Fog rolls past. 87-128 OMIT 87-128 128 A,B,C OMIT 128 A,B,C 129-143 OMIT 129-143 143 A-F OMIT 143 A-F 143FP OMIT 143FP 144-149 OMIT 144-149 149A-J OMIT 149A-J 149K EXT. AIRSTRIP - NIGHT - LONGSHOT - ED 149K Ed Getly stands in the FG and watches as an older style twin engine cargo plane flies over the camera and lands. 149L AIRSTRIP - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - PASSENGERS 149L The airplane rolls to a halt. A man wearing a jumpsuit ties the airplane off and blocks the wheels while a redcap opens the hatch and helps out Annie Knowby. She carries a glass case in her hand as she moves toward us. Behind her five other passengers emerge from the Plane. Ed approaches Annie. ED Annie! ANNIE (smiling at sight of him) Hi. They embrace and kiss. ED How'd everything go on the expedition? ANNIE Terrific. I found the additional pages from the Book of the Dead. ED So you said in the telegram. What condition are they in? She holds out the glass case for Ed to look at. 149M CLOSE SHOT - GLASS CASE 149M Inside are 12 pages from the Book of the Dead. 149N AIRSTRIP - NIGHT 149N TRACKING SHOT - ED AND ANNIE - THEY CONTINUE WALKING ED Haven't aged a day in three thousand years. ANNIE Maybe longer. ED When do we begin the translations? ANNIE Tonight. Is everything all set with my father? ED Should be, but I haven't spoken to him in a week, what with no phone in that cabin. Take us about an hour to get there. They arrive at the parking lot. Two new, sharp looking cheverolets and Ed's old style cheverolet. ED We'll take my car. Ed opens the car trunk. Behind him a redcap pulls up a large steamer trunk on a hand dolly. Ed and the redcap hoist the steamer up into the car's trunk. ED Annie, you hinted in your telegram that your father was on to something with the first part of his translations. What's the big mystery? What has he found in The Book of the Dead? ANNIE Maybe nothing. But just possibly... the doorway to another world? Annie slams the car trunk. 149O OMIT 149O 150 OMIT 150 151 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - W/ ASH - NIGHT 151 CHEVROLET CAR TRUNK CAMERA has taken the POV of the evil force as it glides eerily through the woods, around trees and over rotted stumps. It moves over a rise revealing a clear view of the boarded cabin in the distance. It approaches. It moves to the window, and peering through the cracks in the boards we see Ash asleep in the rocking chair. 152 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 152 Camera begins on hammer, nails, and planking which lay upon the cabin floor. Camera pans to window #1. It is boarded up tight. Camera pans to door. It is repaired. Camera pans to Ash who sleeps in the rocking chair in front of another boarded window. Ash awakens suddenly, sensing something, the shotgun clutched in his lap. He lifts his head and turns to a whispering musical sound. Harp like music. It is coming from the back bedroom of the cabin. 153 MAIN ROOM/MIDDLE ROOM/REAR BEDROOM 153 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he stands and moves cautiously towards the rear bedroom. 154 ASH'S POV - MIDDLE ROOM AND REAR BEDROOM 154 As he approaches the rear bedroom, the music grows louder. As he enters the room he halts his gaze on the old wooden piano. 155 INT. CABIN/REAR BEDROOM - NIGHT 155 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he moves to the piano. The sound is coming from within. Suddenly, the piano begins to play by itself; Ash draws back from it. It plays a waltz. Now the piano music mixing with the harp-like strings. The radiator next to the piano begins to release bursts of musical steam, adding a wind section to this strange orchestra. 156 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 156 As he listens to this haunting version of a waltz melody. He recognizes the music. It is the same music that Ash had played earlier, when Linda was dancing. 157 CLOSE SHOT - PIANO AND RADIATOR 157 As steam spouts from the radiator pipes. As the piano keys depress and release themselves. The melody grows louder. 158 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 158 As he lowers his head. His horror gives way to sadness. From his pocket he removes Linda's delicate silver locket that dangles from the end of a chain. In the locket's center is a magnifying glass. He stares mournfully into the glass. BANG! He looks up sharply toward the main room. 159 OMIT 159 159P1 OMIT 159P1 159P2 OMIT 159P2 159P3 OMIT 159P3 160 OMIT 160 161 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 161 ASH'S POV - SHUTTERS As they rip open, splintering Ash's reinforcements. Wind sweeps in through the place as the curtains flutter wildly. Through the window is a sweeping fog. 162 INT. CABIN MIDDLE ROOM - NIGHT 162 Ash runs through this room and into the main room. He moves to the window and looks out. Wind blowing on his face from outside. 163 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 163 ASH'S POV - THE GRAVEYARD A stark wooden cross marks Linda's lonely grave. 164 OMIT 164 165 OMIT 165 166 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 166 LONG SHOT - CABIN IN DISTANCE - STOP MOTION ANIMATION The tiny figure of Ash can be seen looking off toward this hill. In the foreground is a crude burial cross and a mound of earth. The earth begins to crack and splinter. The wooden cross caves in and is swallowed as the headless corpse of Linda pulls itself to its feet. The HAUNTING WALTZ MELODY sweeps through the night air. 166P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 166P ASH IN WINDOW - MITCHELL CAMERA 167 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 167 CLOSE SHOT - THROUGH THE WINDOW - ASH His eyes, illuminated by a shaft of light, widen in amazement and horror as... 168 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (STUDIO) 168 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) - 3 ANGLES The WALTZ MELODY fills the sound track, and the rotting corpse that was Linda begins to dance, bending and swaying as she sweeps gracefully through the evening fog. A waltz of the dead. The style of dance begins to change. It becomes more primitive. The music changes to a more primal beat. The dance becomes sexually oriented. Erotic, with sharp pelvic thrusts and gyrating hip motions. 168P 3 PLATES FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 168P EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - FOG/WIND FAN 169 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 169 CLOSE SHOT - THRU THE WINDOW - ASH Lost in the horrific beauty, he turns his head to a rumbling sound. 170 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - (REVERSE ACTION) 170 ASH'S POV Linda's DECAPITATED HEAD rolls across the ground and up the hillside graveyard. 171 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (STUDIO) 171 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) LINDA'S HEAD 3 ANGLES As it leaps through the air and gracefully situates itself atop Linda's neck, she begins to spin, yet her head remains in place, never taking her eyes from Ash. With a sensual twirl and leap, she disappears into the evening mists. 171P 3 PLATES FOR PRECEDING SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 171P EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - FOG W/WIND 172 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 172 CLOSE SHOT - THRU WINDOW - ASH His eyes dart about, trying to catch another glimpse of Linda through the fog. 173 EXT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 173 ASH'S POV - THRU WINDOW Linda swings sharply into frame, completing the spin of her dance immediately in front of Ash as the music abruptly halts. LINDA DANCE WITH ME! Linda extends her dead arms towards Ash. 174 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 174 He screams as... 175 EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 175 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S CORPSE (OVERCRANKED) Linda's head rolls off of her neck and tumbles through space. 176 INT. BLACK STUDIO - NIGHT 176 LINDA'S HEAD - ON WIRE As it tumbles through a void of blackness, falling. 177 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 177 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he screams himself awake. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal him sitting in the rocking chair. Ash halts his scream, getting control of himself. He looks to the window that had blown open. 178 ASH'S POV - THE BOARDED WINDOW 178 Still boarded as though it had never been opened. 179 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 179 Reassuring himself. ASH That's all. Just a crummy dr- Linda's decapitated head falls into frame and lands in Ash's hands. 180 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 180 It opens its eyes and looks to Ash. LINDA'S HEAD Hello lover, I came from the other side of your dream to dance with you. 181 CLOSER SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD (BACKWARD MOTION) 181 A four foot long blackened tongue emerges from her mouth like a lashing serpent. 182 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - (BACKWARD MOTION) 182 The tongue enters Ash's frame and forces itself into Ash's mouth. Screaming as he clutches at the head of his former love. The tongue instantly retracts inside her head. 183 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 183 As it bites deeply into Ash's right hand, drawing blood. 183A MED SHOT - ASH AND LINDA'S DUMMV HEAD 183A Ash stands and rushes across the room screaming, as he tries to rid himself of the head. 183 B-L OMIT 183 B-L 184 OMIT 184 185 OMIT 185 185A OMIT 185A 186 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - ASH AND DUMMY HEAD - LONG SHOT 186 As Ash staggers painfully around the side of the cabin and towards the work shed; Linda's head still clamped to his hand. 187 INT. WORK SHED - NIGHT - LINDA DUMMY HEAD - ASH 187 The door to the place is kicked open, revealing Ash and Linda's head on the end of his hand. It is a room full of sawdust, chains and power tools. Old bones hang from the walls. 187A MEDIUM SHOT - INT. WORK SHED - ASH 187A As he places Linda's head within the vice and tightens it around her, then withdraws his hand. LINDA'S HEAD Even now we have your darling Linda's soul! She suffers in torment! 187B CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 187B As it rips away an old tarp revealing the chalk outline of where a chainsaw once was. 187C CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HEADLESS LINDA BODY 187C Confused. Wondering what has happened to the chainsaw. Behind him, the door to the shed bursts open and in comes the flailing, headless, body of Linda, charging at Ash with the chainsaw buzzing high above her head. Ash is screaming. 187D MEDIUM SHOT 187D Ash grabs a large crowbar and swings it toward the approaching blade. 187E CLOSE SHOT 187E The crowbar hits the bottom of the blade with a shower of sparks, sending the buzzing saw flipping backward. 187F MEDIUM SHOT - HEADLESS LINDA DUMMY - 3 ANGLES 187F The blade of the chainsaw swings upward and arcs back into headless Linda, imbedding itself in her neck. She goes nuts as the chainsaw bites its way into her chest cavity. She spins wildly about the room knocking into shelves as she tries to pull the blade free. She slams against the wall of the shed, and slumps to the floor, the chainsaw still buzzing. 187G MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187G As he is splattered with black bile. He reaches down. 187H MEDIUM SHOT - HEADLESS LINDA 187H As Ash dislodges the spinning chainsaw from her. 187I MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187I As he swings the chainsaw around and poises it above Linda's head. 187J WIDE SHOT - ASH AND LINDA'S HEAD IN VICE 187J From the chainsaw, fumes of blue amoke. Ash turns to the head and falters. 187K CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD IN VICE 187K She is no longer possessed. She looks as she did earlier in the film. A vision of beAuty. She is again Linda, the woman Ash loved. Tears roll down from her eyes. LINDA Please Ash, help me. I love you, please don't hurt me. 187L CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187L Trying to fight his feelings, he knows what he must do. He pumps the throttle on the saw. 187M CLOSE SHOT - LINDA 187M Pleading with him. LINDA You promised me we'd always be together. You swore to me! 187N CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187N Agonized. ASH NO! 187O CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 187O Once again fully possessed, and speaking in the voice of the demon. Her eyes again white, her flesh, rotten. LINDA'S HEAD YES! YOU LIED TO HER! YOU LIED TO LINDA! YOUR LOVE WAS A LIE! AND NOW SHE BURNS IN HELL! 187P EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S DUMMY HEAD 187P She opens her mouth and emits a jet stream of bile. 187Q CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187Q As he's drenched in the face. Linda begins to laugh at him in a wild, high pitched squeal. He gains control of himself and steadies the saw. ASH Eat chainsaw. He brings down the spinning blade. And moves past the CAMERA and towards the head. We are left looking at the wall of the work shed upon which we see the stark shadow of the ghastly deed. We hear the sound of spinning steel meeting bone and the screams of a demon. 187R CLOSE SHOT - LIGHT BULB 187R As it is splattered with blood. 187S MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187S Ash stumbles back into frame and falls against the wall, now lit in crimson. He looks at the off screen carnage in terror. He begins to shake as though in shock. He trembles as he looks down at his hands; they are covered in Linda's blood. He wipes his hands on his pants and shirt, trying to rid himself of it, but only succeeds in painting himself with the stuff. Ash screams a wild scream of fear and despair. It echoes off into the night. 188 CRANE SHOT - EXT. WORK SHED - NIGHT 188 Ash in a confused state as he staggers from the work shed and towards the cabin. Again clutching the chainsaw. 189 INT. CABIN REAR DOORWAY - NIGHT 189 Ash enters through the doorway. He pushes the door shut behind him and halts. We hear a creaking sound. It is coming from the main room of the cabin. He moves in the direction of the sound. 189A ASH'S POV - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 189A TRACKING SLOWLY FORWARD Curtains flutter on the partially boarded windows of the hall. Ash moves slowly past them and towards the main room ahead. The gentle creaking sound grows louder. Ash tosses down the saw and picks up the gun. 189B INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 189B Ash enters from the hallway and turns his head to the sound. 189C MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - ASH'S POV - THE ROCKING CHAIR 189C It rocks back and forth with a definitive motion, halting for a moment at it's pints furthest forward and backward, as if some invisible thing was sitting there and rocking. 189D CLOSE SHOT - ASH 189D He slowly approaches the chair, scared shitless. 189E MEDIUM SHOT - FROM BEHIND THE ROCKING CHAIR 189E The chair rocks in and out of frame in the foreground as Ash takes halting steps towards it. Ash gathers his courage and reaches out his hand to halt the rocking motion. Slowly his hand approaches the chair. Just as his hand goes to touch it, the chair abruptly halts, on its own accord. 190 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 190 In a confused state as he backs away from the chair and into the wall. He turns and comes face to face with himself in a hanging framed mirror. He clutches at his face, trying to reassure himself of his sanity. ASH I'm fine... I'm fine... 191 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM/MIRROR ROOM - NIGHT 191 MEDIUM SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - ASH AND REFLECTION Ash's reflection becomes an independent entity. It reaches out of the mirror and grabs ahold of Ash by his throat. The reflection looks like a Mr. Hyde version of Ash. Sweating and nasty looking. 192 SIDE SHOT - SPLIT SCREEN - ASH AND REFLECTION 192 MITCHELL CAMERA (ASH AS MR. HYDE) The reflection pulls Ash close and speaks to him in an intimate whisper. REFLECTION I don't think we're "fine". We're losing it... starting to slip. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound fine? The reflection tightens its hold on Ash's throat and begins to strangle him. 192P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 192P INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT ASH - MITCHELL CAMERA 193 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - DOLLY 193 Two hands in the bottom of frame, throttling him. CAMERA races back to reveal Ash's own hands on his throat. There is no sign of Ash's evil reflection. Ash has been strangling himself. He realizes this the same moment we do. He quickly pulls his hands away, looks at them incredulously, then to the mirror. 194 OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - INTO MIRROR 194 His reflection is as it should be. 195 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 195 He looks back down to his hands. 196 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 196 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S RIGHT HAND - DUMMY HAND INTERVOLOMETER The bite marks that Linda's teeth have left in the hand stand out sharply. The wound suddenly blackens and spiderwebs it's infection across the entire surface of the hand. 197 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 197 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HAND IN FOREBROUND - MAKE UP BLADDER EFX The hand quivers and shakes, now out of Ash's control. The hand has taken a whitish cast. It's veins throb and pulsate. It is possessed by the evil force. The hand's fingernails grow inches. The wound oozes black fluid. Ash is repulsed. 198 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 198 Ash's demon hand makes a lunge at his face which is countered by his good hand. 199 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 199 He slams the hand to the cabin floor. He screams to the air: ASH You bastards. Give me back my hand. 200 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 200 Wind and fog swirl about the place. Ash's ECHOING SCREAM is heard above the HOWLING GALE. ASH (0.S.) Give me back my hand!! 201 OMIT 201 201A OMIT 201A 201B OMIT 201B 201C OMIT 201C 202 OMIT 202 203 OMIT 203 204 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT 204 Ash rushes into the kitchen and places his hand in the sink. He turns on the faucet. 205 INT. CABIN KITCHEN - NIGHT 205 Cool water runs over Ash's burned hand. Ash rests his head on the kitchen counter and mumbles reassurances to himself. ASH Can't... can't be happening. 206 CLOSE SHOT - THE HAND 206 As the water pours over it. It grabs a plate sitting in the dishwater and reaches up silently out of the sink. 207 MEDIUM SHOT 207 The plate is shattered over Ash's head. The hand grabs Ash's hair and mercilessly slams his head down upon the kitchen counter again and again. Ash punches himself in the face and is sent reeling backwards. He smashes into a cupboard where dishes and plates fall upon him. 208 CLOSE SHOT 208 The hand picks up plates and begins breaking them over Ash's head. Then a bottle. 209 MEDIUM SHOT 209 Ash is knocked unconscious. The hand continues breaking objects over his head. Ash lies unmoving, but still alive. 210 CLOSE SHOT 210 The hand stops as though it senses something. The CAMERA PANS to a large meat cleaver which lies upon the wooden floor. 211 MEDIUM SHOT 211 The hand as it independently crawls towards the meat cleaver. The hand is stopped when it runs out of arm, now anchored by Ash's unconscious body. 212 CLOSE-SHOT - HAND 212 It digs its nails deep into the floorboards and begins to pull... 213 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 213 ... as he is pulled along the kitchen floor. 214 CLOSE SHOT - HAND - GELETIN HAND 214 As it pulls Ash's unconscious body along after it. The hand clutches the meat cleaver when a large knife comes slicing through the demon hand, pinning it to the floorboards. CAMERA pulls over to reveal a revived Ash. ASH Who's laughing now? 214A ANGLE - ASH - COMEDY KNIFE RIG 214A He reaches over with his good hand and pulls a fire engine red chainsaw down from the shelf. He holds the body of the machine between his legs and, with his good hand, pulls the starter cord. The CHAINSAW ROARS to life. The CAMERA TRACKS IN to Ash's sweating face. ASH Who's laughing now!? He lowers the spinning blade of the chainsaw down out of frame and toward the evil hand. Blood flies up into frame. 215 OMIT 215 216 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 216 LONG SHOT We hear the BUZZING of the CHAINSAW as it slices through bone and then falls silent. 217 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT (SIDE II) 217 CRANE The CAMERA cranes down as Annie's car approaches from the distance. It pulls to a halt. Ed and Annie step from the car. 218 ANNIE'S POV 218 A red tow truck with its orange lights flashing is parked there. Painted on it's side is "Jake's Gas N' Go." Jake, a toothless, backwoods, greasemonkey is setting up flares and wooden roadblocks. Annie and Ed approach. ANNIE Excuse me. This the road to the Knowby's cabin? JAKE Thas' right. But you ain't goin' there. ANNIE And why not? 219 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 219 As he reaches in his truck to pull on the headlights. 220 CLOSE SHOT - TRUCK HEADLIGHTS 220 As they snap on. 221 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE, ANNIE, AND ED 221 All stand in the bright glare of the lights as the fog swirls about them. Annie and Ed gape in frightened wonder at what they see. 222 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT - (SIDE II) - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 222 THEIR POV - TABLE TOP MODEL GIRDERS The piercing beams of light illuminate twisted remnants of the destroyed bridge that leads to the cabin. A road sign, similar to the one on the other side of the bridge reads: "Dangerous Bridge - Two Ton Weight Limit". 223 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT - (SIDE II) 223 CLOSE SHOT - ED AND ANNIE Frightened as they view the wreckage. ANNIE What happened? JAKE Lady, I ain't never seen nothin' like it. ED Terrific. Now what? ANNIE There must be another way in. Another road or something. 224 JAKE, BOBBY JOE, ANNIE AND ED - TWO CAMERAS 224 BOBBY JOE Sure ain't no, road. CAMERA pans over to reveal a brassy southern spitfire of a woman, Bobby Joe. BOBBY JOE Hell you wanna go there for, anyway? Bobby Joe takes a pinch of chewing tobacco and stuffs it into her mouth. She doesn't like Annie and her fancy clothes. She stares at Annie like a cat. 224X MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ED 224X Annie steps forward. She eyes Bobby Joe. ANNIE None of your business. 224Y CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224Y He feigns surprise and pleasantness. JAKE Hey! I just remembered... Yeah, that's right... There is a trail. You could follow Bobby Joe and me. ED That sounds all right. JAKE But, it'll cost ya. ANNIE How much? JAKE Forty Fi... 224A ANGLE 224A Jake looks up suddenly at Bobby Joe who gives a sharp shake of her head. JAKE Hundred bucks. 224B CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 224B ANNIE Tell you what. You take my bags you got a deal. 224C CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224C He glances through the window of Annie's car. 224D JAKE'S POV 224D The tiny case containing the missing pages of the Book of the Dead, and a small handbag. 224E CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224E Looking back to Annie, a big smile on his near toothless face. JAKE Sure! 225 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 225 A hiking trail winds through the woods. Bobby Joe leads the way with flashlight in hand. She pockets some bills. She is followed by Annie and Ed who carry the glass case containing the missing pages and the handbag. A grunting and sweating Jake brings up the rear, the large steamer trunk on his back. He is cursing under his breath. JAKE Jesus H. Christ! I thought she was talkin' 'bout them two goddamn little pieces! 226 OMIT 226 227 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 227 The wind rushes fog about the place with a fury. A large moon hangs in the night sky. 228 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 228 CLOSE SHOT - EVIL HAND No longer attached to Ash's arm, it still writhes about beneath Ash's foot which pins it to the floor. 229 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - HAND'S POV - EYEMO W/ MOUNT 229 As he grabs the steel wastebasket, dumps out the trash lowers it quickly over the CAMERA, trapping the hand within. 230 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 230 With a note of finality, Ash slams down a pile of books atop the overturned wastecan, to anchor it. The top book's title reads "Farewell to Arms". 231 FIREPLACE 231 Ash raises a red hot fireplace shovel that had been resting upon the coals. He grits his teeth. 232 ANGLE 232 Just out of frame, Ash thrusts the glowing shovel against the stump to cauterize the wound. Red steam hisses up into frame as Ash screams. 233 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 233 He tosses aside the shovel and douses his smoldering stump into a vase of fresh flowers. 234 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 234 Unspooling a roll of duct tape. 235 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 235 He tapes the tablecloth into a makeshift bandage about his wrist. Behind him, the wastebasket silently slides across the floor. 236 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 236 "CLANG"! He turns to see. 237 CLOSE SHOT - THE WASTEBASKET 237 Upon its side. The Evil Hand is gone. 237A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 237A He turns to a "pitter patter" sound. 238 OMIT 238 238P OMIT 238P 239 OMIT 239 240 OMIT 240 241 OMIT 241 242 OMIT 242 243 OMIT 243 244 OMIT 244 245 CLOSE SHOT - HAND 245 It scampers across the floorboards headed for a hole in the wall. 246 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 246 MEDIUM SHOT - ANIMATED HAND (4 SEC.) Same action as above but covered now through animation. 247 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 247 HAND - POV Low angle tracking shot approaching the hole in the wall. 248 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND HAND - SQUIB 248 TRACKING WITH HAND, ASH IN BG He raises the shotgun and FIRES. BLAM! The floor next to the hand explodes. 249 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN THE WALL - SQUIB - EFX. HAND 249 The hand leaps into the hole as a section of wall next to it EXPLODES. Blam! 250 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 250 Ash quickly reloads both chambers of the gun. He tracks the SOUND of the PITTER PATTER as the hand scampers through the sapace behind the wall like a rat. 251 OMIT 251 252 OMIT 252 253 OMIT 253 254 ASH'S POV - WALL - SQUIB 254 The blasted hole at the bottom of the wall. The hand appears, still unhurt, waving and taunting at Ash. 255 CLOSE SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (7 SEC.) 255 As it taunts ASH it inadvertently sidesteps into a rusting mousetrap. SNAP! It springs shut upon the hand. It screams furiously and shakes violently in an effort to get free the from trap. 256 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 256 Throws back his head in a gruff bark of laughter. ASH Ha! 257 CLOSE SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (7 SEC.) 257 The hand throws the trap from itself and raises its middle finger to ASH, flipping him the bird. 258 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 258 He raises the gun, revealing his face as the CAMERA PANS UP with his movement. 259 ASH'S POV - OVER THE GUN BARREL 259 Pointed directly at the hand. But the hand dodges away from the hole, disappearing again behind the wall. The gun continues to track the evil hand's progress through its pitter patter sound. 260 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S EAR 260 The pitter patter ebbs and then peaks in volume. 261 ASH'S POV - OVER THE GUN BARREL - SQUIB 261 Both triggers are squeezed. BLAM! BLAM! A 2nd and 3rd hole are blown in the wall. All is silent. 261A INSERT ASH'S FINGER PULLS THE FIRST, THEN 261A SECOND TRIGGER 261B INSERT FLAME BELCHES FROM THE GUN TWICE 261B 262 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 262 As he lowers the smoking gun. Wondering if he has hit the hand or not. 263 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 263 All is silent for a moment, and then a slight trickle of blood comes dripping from the hole and down the side of the wall. 264 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 264 For the first time feeling victorious. As Ash continues to stare at the hole, his expression changes to one of perplexity. 265 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 265 The trickle of blood has increased to a steady flow, then, even this volume of blood multiplies. It is forced out of the wall with a greater and greater pressure until blood pours from the wall like a fire hose. 266 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 266 Horrified, he spins his glance to the sound of more gushing liquid. He is hit in the face with a geyser of deep red blood. 267 CLOSE SHOT - 2ND AND 3RD HOLES IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 267 The 2nd and 3rd holes in wall also begin to spew blood in a geyser. The CAMERA PANS over to the 4th of the holes. This, too, is an eruption of blood. The blood changes in color to a black fluid, then yellow, then turquoise. 268 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 268 Screaming as he looks down at his wrist. CAMERA PANS DOWN to it. The severed wrist begins dribbling blood. Then in a burst, it too, erupts in a hellish fire hose. It spouts blood under such great pressure that ASH is driven against the walls of the cabin because of it. 269 MED. SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 269 We follow him as he slams from one wall into another. 270 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 270 In the midst of his scream, drowning in the blood, it all suddenly stops. The cabin is again deadly quiet. ASH, soaked in blood and shivering, waits. For what, he's not sure. 271 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 271 As he slowly backs away from the walls and sits upon the three legged chair. It shatters beneath him, dumping him on his butt. CREAK!!! ASH turns sharply to the low sound. 272 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 272 The mounted moose head upon the wall. It is in a different position. It turns sharply towards ASH and emits a hideous cackle. 273 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 273 He pulls back in fear, then turns to the sound of more laughter. 274 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 274 The desk lamp on its steel swivel rises and falls in synchronization with its wheezing laughter. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ahhhh ha ha ha ha! 275 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 275 Terrified, he turns to more laughter. 276 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 276 A line of 12 old books upon the shelf flap open and closed violently as they emit a chorus of sharp laughs. Ash turns. 276A CLOSE SHOT 276A Other books upon the floor laugh. 277 MEDIUM SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 277 He turns sharply toward us and breaks into an uproariously frightening bout of laughter. 278 WIDE SHOT - ASH 278 The wooden door behind Ash comes to life. It stretches out as though it were elastic with each of its own low and terrible laughs. 279 WIDE SHOT - MAIN ROOM - TRACKING SHOT 279 RIGGING FOR TRAP DOOR, CABINETS, CLOCK Ash and everything in it are having the time of their lives. Ash leads the bunch laughing harder and harder. 279A MEDIUM SHOT - HAND HELD - FRONT DOOR AND ASH 279A KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The room's laughter suddenly stops. Ash instantly terrified, grabs up the shotgun and fires into the door. Blam! Blam! PAN to the front door. Two holes are blown into the door. We hear a short shrill scream and then all is quiet. 280 OMIT 280 281 OMIT 281 282 OMIT 282 282A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 282A Ash opens the front door. It slowly swings inward with a creak revealing the empty night. 283 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND JAKE 283 Ash approaches the front porch as Jake enters sharply into his frame. Jake tackles Ash. 284 MEDIUM SHOT - SHOTGUN 284 As it slides across the floor. 285 MED. SHOT - ASH, JAKE AND ED 285 Ed enters and holds Ash down as Jake slugs him twice. Ash's fist comes up into frame catching Jake on the jaw. Jake pulls back his fist and rockets a piledriver blow to Ash's face, knocking him senseless. 285A C.U. ASH 285A 285B C.U. JAKE 285B 286 MEDIUM SHOT - FRONT DOORWAY - THE GROUP 286 Annie and Bobby Joe enter. Annie is taking off Bobby Joe's coat. Bobby Joe is wounded from the shotgun blast. She holds her shoulder where the shell has grazed her. JAKE You gonna be alright, honey? BOBBY JOE I don't know. JAKE You just sit still fer a minute. 287 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE, ED, ANNIE, AND BOBBY JOE 287 As Jake gives Ash a swift kick in the ribs. Ash moans. Jake turns to Ed, who is badly shaken. JAKE You know this son of a bitch? ED No. We thought her - Annie steps forward. ANNIE Oh my God. Where are my parents? Annie sets down the glass case containing the pages of the Book of the Dead. 288 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 288 As she looks down to the floor. 289 ANNIE'S POV - THE CHAINSAW 289 As it lies in a pool of blood. 290 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 290 Annie runs to Ash's semi-conscious body, grabs his shirt and violently shakes him. ANNIE What the hell did you do to them? Ed pulls Annie off of Ash. She drops Ash's moaning head to the floor and backs away from him, sobbing. 291 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE 291 Nursing his sore knuckles, he points with his elbow to the trap door that leads to the cellar. JAKE We'll throw him in there. 292 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND ASH 292 Jake picks up Ash's body and drags him quickly to the trap door. Half conscious, Ash feebly struggles with Jake. JAKE Crazy buck's gone blood simple. 293 ASH'S POV - HAND HELD 293 As he approaches the trap door almost upside down. Ed pries it open. 294 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HAND HELD 294 In a dazed state as he is carried to the trap door. ASH Wait... I made... a mistake... JAKE Damn right, you flat mouthed son of a bitch. 294A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND JAKE 294A Jake kicks Ash down into the open trap door. 295 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 295 ASH DUMMY Looking up at the open trap door as Ash's body falls through frame. 296 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 296 CLOSE SHOT - CELLAR STEP - ASH'S HEAD As it slams into the wooden step. His feet tumble over him as he begins to fall down the staircase. 297 LONG SHOT - ASH - STUNT 297 As he tumbles head over heels down the wooden steps. 298 ASH'S POV 298 Racing down the steps. 299 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 299 As he slams to the dirt floor of the cellar. Hard. He moans. 300 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 300 LOOKING UP TO THEM FROM CELLAR Jake, Ed and Bobby Joe. BOBBY JOE I hope you rot down there! 301 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 301 MEDIUM SHOT Ash begins to realize where he is. Growing terror on his battered face. ASH N... No. 302 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 302 ANGLE LOOKING UP Jake swings the trap door shut with a clanging of chains. 303 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 303 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH The shaft of light from above disappears and he is encased in the darkness of the cellar. From above he hears the threading of chains through eyeloops. 304 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 304 MED. SHOT - JAKE, ANNIE, BOBBY JOE, ED Jake has just laid Bobby Joe down upon the couch. He dresses her wound with a towel. Annie tosses down her coat on the chair at the writing desk. 304A MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 304A She spots the tape recorder and Kandarian Dagger. She moves to them. ANNIE These are my father's things. She turns on the tape recorder. High pitched feedback and the professor's screams come from the speaker. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on Tape) Last night Henrietta tried to kill me. ANNIE PROFESSOR KNOWBY SHHH! Listen! (Voice on tape) My father's voice. I know now, that my wife has become host to a kandarian demon. 305 MED. SHOT - JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ED 305 As they turn their heads to the sound of: 306 CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER - TRACKING 306 Still playing, the tapes wind as we hear the wowing and fluttering voice of Raymond Knowby. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) I cannot bring myself to dismember my wife, yet I know that I must, to halt the evil that lives within her. 307 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE - TRACKING IN 307 Horrified. ANNIE No. 308 OMIT 308 309 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 309 MED. SHOT - ASH - TRACKING AROUND HIM As he lays in the center of the cellar's earth floor. He strains his ears to listen to the tape playing in the room above. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) It is October 1, 4:33 p.m. Henrietta is dead. I could not bring myself to dismember her corpse. But I buried her. 310 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 310 TRACKING CLOSER As he listens intently to the tape playing in the room above. 311 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 311 TRACKING SHOT - TAPE RECORDER CAMERA SLOWLY MOVING IN on the winding tape. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) I . . . buried her . . . in the cellar. 312 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 312 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - TRACKING CLOSER Growing horror on his face as he realizes where he is. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) God help me, I buried her in the earthen floor of the fruit cellar! 313 OMIT 313 314 OMIT 314 315 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 315 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT - (STOP MOTION ANIMATION) Ash's legs in the foreground. Suddenly from the earthen floor of the fruit cellar a half-rotten human head juts up! Just the eyes are above the surface of the dirt. They dart about wildly and halt upon Ash. Worms crawl from the rotted forehead. 316 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 316 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He screams. 317 MED. SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - MOCK UP OF CELLAR 317 SET Henrietta's arm rips through the earth and grabs Ash's leg as he tries to back away. The corpse that was Henrietta pulls itself from the grave and emits a wail. She turns her twisted body to face Ash. Moths fly about her in a flurry. HENRIETTA Someone's in my fruit cellar! Someone with a fresh soul! 318 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 318 MED SHOT. - THE GROUP All eyes on the trap door. ED Somebody's down there with him. ANNIE No. Can't be. 319 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 319 MED. SHOT - ASH He runs up the steps to the trap door and begins pounding furiously upon it. 320 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 320 ASH Let me out! Let me out!!! 321 MED. SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) - WIND FAN 321 Henrietta lets out a terrible laugh and approaches the wooden staircase. 322 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 322 MED. SHOT - THE GROUP All eyes are on the banging trap door. ASH'S wild screams are coming from beneath. They look at one another, not sure of what to do. Jake holds the ring of keys. ANNIE Let him out. JAKE It's a trick. I know it. ANNIE LET HIM OUT! 323 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 323 WIDE SHOT - ASH At the top of the steps, pounding on the trap door, screaming to be let out. HENRIETTA ENTERS the FRAME at the bottom of the steps. A flutter of moths about her. 324 WIDE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) 324 Henrietta begins to climb the steps. Two at a time. HENRIETTA Come to me. Come to sweet Henrietta. 325 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 325 MED. SHOT - JAKE As he tries one key after another. 326 CLOSE SHOT - KEYS 326 As they are forced into the lock. 327 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 327 CLOSE SHOT - ASH Sweating at the top of the steps, watching as Henrietta approaches. ASH No. 328 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA 328 Extending her rotted and worm infested arm toward him. HENRIETTA Yesssssss. You and I. We shall spend eternity together. 329 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 329 Marie's shadow envelops him. He is petrified. HENRIETTA But first I'll swallow your soul ! 330 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 330 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA - (STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN) With a sharp recoil, then spring, Henrietta makes a lunge at Ash. Her face contorting, her teeth lengthening, her mouth opening impossibly wide as though she were going to swallow his head, and all as she lunges forward. She changes to "Pee Wee" head. 330P INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT - 35MM KODAKCHROME SLIDE 330P Plate for previous scene. 331 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 331 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He screams as a set of bloody hands grab his face. But they are not Henrietta's. He is pulled upward to the main room of the cabin. 332 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 332 CLOSE SHOT It is Jake who pulls Ash to safety. 333 WIDE SHOT - MAIN ROOM 333 Jake finishes pulling Ash up from the trapdoor and onto the floor of the main room. The horrible face of Pee-Wee head Henrietta pops from the cellar! 334 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ED 334 SCREAMING at the sight of the beast. ANNIE For God's sake! That's my mother! 335 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 335 One of Henrietta's rotted hands reach up from the cellar grabbing Jake. 336 CLOSE SHOT - ED 336 As he moves to help Jake, Henrietta swats at his jaw, knocking him backward into a picture frame. He shatters it with his head and slumps to the floor. 337 MED. SHOT - ASH 337 As he moves toward the trapdoor. 338 CLOSE SHOT - (STYROFOAM TRAPDOOR) 338 Ash's foot kicks the trapdoor shut and crushes Henrietta's Pee-wee head between the door and the floorboards. 339 MED. SHOT - DUMMY OF HENRIETTA - PEE WEE HEAD 339 Ash leaps down upon the trapdoor, slamming it to pin Pee-Wee head sideways. The pressure sends her left eyeball popping from her head, like a cork from a champagne bottle. 340 CLOSE SHOT - EYEBALL FLYBALL 340 Henrietta's eyeball and trailing optic nerve - mounted on glass - panning with the eyeball as it sails through space. 341 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE (REVERSE ACTION) 341 As the eyeball is shot into her screaming mouth. She begins to gag on it. 342 WIDE SHOT 342 Jake kicks Marie's Pee-Wee head in the face, sending her back down into the cellar. The trap door shuts. Ash leaps atop it. The sound of Henrietta falling down the cellar steps is heard along with the beast's wild ravings. Ash quickly threads the chains through the eyeloops. 343 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 343 He snaps the lock shut. Ash is shaking. Jake slowly moves down into his frame. He is completely terrified. 343A CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER IN F.G. 343A ASH, JAKE, ANNIE AND BOBBY IN B.G. The tape recorder continues to play. RAYMOND KNOWBY (V.O.) (Voice on tape) I fear that whatever I have resurrected from this book, is sure to come calling for me. 344 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 344 (SHAKI-CAM) The CAMERA takes the POV of the Evil Force as it glides through the woods. Over a stump, around the Oak trees, through a patch of fog, as the cabin comes into view. 345 OMIT 345 346 MED. SHOT - ANNIE, ASH, JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ED 346 Ash turns to the group, Annie is placing her wet bandana atop Ed's forehead. ASH There's something out there. That... witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives out in those woods. In the Dark. Something that's come back from the dead. 346A OMIT 346A 346B OMIT 346B 346C OMIT 346C 346D OMIT 346D 347 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE 347 Interrupting Ash. BOBBY JOE Jake, let's beat it the hell out o'here, right now. I gotta get out! JAKE Now Bobby, you ain't in no condition. ASH Nobody goes out that door. Not till daylight. 347A THE GROUP 347A They freeze in their tracks as they hear a gentle voice which sings a melancholy tune. Annie turns her head to the sound and the CAMERA PANS TO reveal HENRIETTA whose head juts in the space between the floorboards and the trap door. She is no longer possessed. She looks as she did earlier in the film. She is singing a gentle song to Annie. 347B CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA 347B HENRIETTA Remember that song Annie? I used to sing it to you when you were a baby. 347C CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 347C Uncertain of what to do, but wanting to believe. HENRIETTA Let me out, dear. It's so cold and dark in here. ANNIE Mother? HENRIETTA Unlock these chains. Quickly. 347D MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 347D Annie starts to follow the instructions, but Ash halts her gently. He shakes his head. Annie snaps out of it. She shakes her head and looks to the cellar. ANNIE No. No. I don't know what you are but you're not my mother. Annie begins to cry. 347E CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR 347E Henrietta is crying also. VOICE OF HENRIETTA How can you say that to me Annie? ANNIE No! VOICE OF HENRIETTA You were born September 2nd, 1962. I remember it well because it was snowing. So strange that it would be snowing in September. 348 CAMERA TRACKING IN ON ANNIE 348 Confused and tearful, she screams to the others in the room. ANNIE That thing in the cellar is not my mother! Ed stands sharply into her frame. His eyes bone white, his skin, the pale color of the dead. His mouth has grown over large. His lips are black. He is possessed. He shrieks. Annie screams and jumps back out of frame. 349 MED. SHOT - ED POSSESSED 349 RIGGING - REVERSE ACTION He flies up into the air and writhes about as if he were a human marionette. He lets out a demonic moan and then begins to laugh. 350 MED. SHOT - BOBBY JOE AND JAKE 350 As they clutch in fear at one another. 351 MED. SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 351 As they look on in horror. Ash steps in front of Annie as she gapes at this monstrosity that was Ed. 352 CLOSE SHOT - ED POSSESSED 352 RIGGING As he floats about the room. His laughter suddenly stops and a second demonic voice comes from his body. It is female, and wailing in lament. 353 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 353 Watching in horror. 354 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED RIGGING - UP AND DOWN The body of Ed turns sharply toward the group, not really seeing. ED (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) We are the things that were. (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) And shall be again! HA HA HA HA HA! (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) Spirits of the book. (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) We want what is yours! LIFE! As he floats about, his head dips and swoons. ED (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) Dead by dawn! (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) Dead by dawn! 355 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA POSSESSED 355 Sticking her gnarled head from the cellar. HENRIETTA Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn! 356 WIDE SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE IN FOREGROUND 356 RIGGING - DOLLY CART Ed floating, turns his head sharply to Bobby Joe. The Possessed body of Ed rushes through the air towards her. He opens his mouth wide open. 357 ED'S POV 357 As he quickly rushes upon a screaming Bobby Joe. 358 CLOSE SHOT - ED AND BOBBY JOE 358 He bites into Bobby Joe's head. With a single motion he rips out the bulk of the hair from her head with a terrible RIIIIIIIIP SOUND. 358A MEDIUM SHOT - ED DUMMY 358A Stands up into frame with a clump of Bobby Joe's hair in his mouth and swallows it. 359 WIDE SHOT - GROUP 359 Bobby Joe collapses to the ground. 360 MED. SHOT - HENRIETTA POSSESSED 360 As she calls from the cellar. HENRIETTA Free me! Unlock these chains! 361 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED 361 He turns to the trap door and moves toward it. 362 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 362 Both horrified. Ash retreats. Annie is shocked as she watches Ash back into the middle bedroom and disappear. 363 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 363 ANNIE Where are you going?! HELP US!! You filthy COWARD! 364 ANGLE FROM TRAP DOOR - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE 364 Possessed Ed moves toward the trap door. Jake comes up quickly behind Ed to grab his shoulder. 365 JAKE'S POV - DUMMY OF POSSESSED ED 365 As Jake's hand reaches for the shoulder of possessed Ed. The head of possessed Ed spins around on its neck so that it faces Jake. 365A CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ED 365A ED (In the voice of a woman) We see you! 366 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 366 Screaming as Ed's hand enters frame, and snags Jake's face. He tosses Jake upward. 367 CLOSE SHOT - ED POSSESSED 367 As he tosses Jake upward. 368 HIGH-WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE STUNTMAN 368 REVERSE ACTION - UNDERCRANKED Jake flies upward towards the ceiling of the cabin. 369 INT. CABIN CEILING - NIGHT (CEILING SET PIECE) 369 MED. SHOT A prop light bulb "Shining" in its fixture. Jake's head comes flying up into frame, shattering it, and slamming into the wood ceiling and then falling back down again. 370 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 370 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE STUNT MAN As Jake slams back down to the floor of the cabin. 371 MED. SHOT - ASH 371 As he reappears in the doorway of the room. Now he clutches an axe in his single hand. 372 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED 372 As he grabs the chains that secure the trap door ready to rip them loose. He turns his head to see: 372A OVER POSSESSED ED'S SHOULDER 372A Ash approaches with the axe. 373 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE AND OFF SCREEN 373 DUMMY OF ED Ash exits the frame and we are left with Annie and the stark shadow of possessed Ed which is cast upon the wall behind her. We watch as the shadow of Ash with the axe, slices through the top portion of possessed Ed's head. Annie screams as she is splattered with green bile. 373A CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ED DUMMY 373A Missing Ed's right hand portion of his head. His brain, shriveled like the inside of a pumpkin. 373B POSSESSED ED'S POV - ASH - EYEMO CAMERA AND MOUNT 373B Ash stands before us, his axe dripping green bile. Ed's arms flail wildly on either side of the camera, groping at the air. He slowly falls over and slams to the floor. 374 OMIT 374 375 OMIT 375 376 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED (FRAMED WITH AND W/O HEAD) 376 Ed's body falls to the floor. It lays quiet for a moment and then begins to writhe and scream in its demonic death throes. Finally, he is silent. 377 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE - POSSESSED ED DUMMY 377 Ash turns to her. ASH Start up that saw and hand it here! We're gonna cut him up. Annie looks to the chainsaw and then to the unmoving body of Ed. She is repulsed at the thought. ANNIE No. ASH START IT UP! ANNIE NO! Possessed Ed stands up quickly into frame! The evil force having re-animated his lifeless body. 377A CLOSE SHOT ASH - OVER POSSESSED ED'S SHOULDER 377A FLYING PLATFORM As a hand grabs Ash's throat. Possessed Ed exits frame, revealing it to be Ash's evil hand on his own throat. It lifts him into the air. 377B CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET 377B As they are lifted off the floor. 377C CLOSE SHOT ASH 377C He pries the evil hand from his throat and falls. 377D ASH/EVIL HAND 377D As he slams to the floor the evil hand scurries away in the B.G. 378 OMIT 378 379 OMIT 379 380 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED DUMMY AND ANNIE 380 Annie is screaming in horror. Possessed Ed backhands her across the face. 381 MED. SHOT - WRITING DESK 381 Annie slams into a desk shattering it to splinters of wood. She falls to the floor. 382 MED. SHOT - ASH 382 As he grabs the axe. 383 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED - DUMMY 383 As he stands sharply into frame. His mouth wide open and screaming. 384 MED. SHOT - ASH AND POSSESSED ED 384 Terrified, as he moves toward possessed Ed with the axe. 385 MED. SHOT - ASH AND POSSESSED ED DUMMY 385 RUBBER AXE Ash brings the axe down upon Ed's shoulder, knocking him to the floor. ASH swings the axe again and again. Different colors of bile and blood fly up into frame as Ash chops. 385A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 385A Screaming at the sight. 386 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 386 His axe blade rises and falls as black demon blood flies up into frame. 387 CLOSE SHOT - LOW ANGLE - FLOOR LEVEL 387 ASH AND ED DUMMY PARTS Ed's missing portion of his head sits upon the floor. His eye in extreme C.U. in the foreground. It looks wildly about into the CAMERA. In the background, we watch Ash bring down the axe until all is silent. 388 WIDE SHOT 388 Jake slowly stands into the empty frame. He is in shock from what he has just seen. Annie slowly rises into frame - shaking her head in a silent "No." Ash slowly rises into frame, terrified. They are looking down at the out-of-frame remains of possessed Ed. 388A OMIT 388A 389 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - MITCHELL 389 The moon has grown larger. Fog billows past the cabin. 389P EXT. NIGHT - THE FULL MOON 389P 390 OMIT 390 390A MAIN ROOM NIGHT - ASH, JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ANNIE 390A Jake sprays a can of air freshener about the room. He holds his nose. Ash tosses a bloodied sheet, containing the remains of possessed Ed to the floor. It lands with a sickening thud. Wiping his face with a rag, Ash moves off in disgust. We hold on the bundled sheet as the trap door next to it silently opens. Henrietta's rotted hand emerges, unnoticed by the others in the room. BOBBY JOE Jake, I can't take no more of this. Henrietta's rotted hand pulls the bundle of body parts silently down into the cellar and quietly closes the trap. 390B MEDIUM SHOT JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 390B Jake moves to the window and looks out. JAKE That's funny. BOBBY JOE What? JAKE That trail we came in here on... well, it just ain't there no more. Like the woods jus' swallowed it. The room goes quiet. The sound of the wind outside the cabin has died. Jake and Bobby Joe cock their heads to this new silence. 391 OMIT 391 392 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 392 She looks about the room, getting scared. ANNIE It's so quiet. Ash stands slowly into frame. He knows that it can't be good. 393 WIDE SHOT - THE GROUP 393 As they raise their heads to a distant pounding sound. It grows louder. BOOM - BOOM! BOOM - BOOM! JAKE What the hell is it? ASH Maybe something... Something trying to force its way into our world. BOOM! BOOM! BANG! BAM! 393A EYEMO CAMERA/MITCHELL CAMERA - GROUP 393A The cabin WALL. Bang! 393B THE FRONT DOOR - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393B 393C THE BOARDED WINDOW - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393C BANG! 393D THE CEILING BEAMS - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393D BAM! 393E A SECTION OF WALL - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393E 393F A SECTION OF THE TONGUE AND GROOVE FLOOR 393F EYEMO - MITCHELL - GROUP BAM! 393G ASH - C.U. 393G 393H JAKE - C.U. 393H 393I ANNIE - C.U. 393I 393J BOBBY JOE - C.U. 393J 394 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 394 Bobby Joe runs to Jake's arms. He clutches her tightly. 395 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 395 Annie runs to Ash. He holds her. The pounding sounds halt. Again they are left in silence. Annie awkwardly disengages herself from Ash. They hear a sound coming from the middle bedroom. BOBBY JOE It's in there. 396 MEDIUM SHOT - DOOR TO MIDDLE BEDROOM 396 It is opened a crack. 397 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 397 ASH We'll all go in together. JAKE Hell no, you're the curious one. 398 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 398 He moves toward the door. ANNIE I'll go with you. Ash nods to Annie in a show of thanks. He grabs the axe, and pushes open the door to the middle bedroom. Annie follows with the flickering oil lantern. 399 INT. MIDDLE BEDROOM - NIGHT 399 The door to the main room creaks open. Ash and Annie cautiously enter. They look about the place. 400 ASH'S POV - MIDDLE BEDROOM - NIGHT 400 As the CAMERA PANS the shadowed corners of the room. 401 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 401 An eerie whistling wind is heard. It has an other worldly sound, very far off. 401A MEDIUM SHOT - DOORWAY TO MIDDLE BEDROOM 401A Bobby Joe and Jake enter the room, drawn by the sound. 401B CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE 401B She looks about, frightened. 401C OMIT 401C 401D MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 401D Jake takes Bobby Joe's hand. Bobby Joe smiles, frightened. 402 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 402 Waiting. 403 MEDIUM SHOT - PANNING THE DARK ROOM 403 As the eerie whistling sound grows louder. It is followed by the angry sound of something moving violently about the room. A shattering of glass. 404 OMIT 404 405 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 405 WOOOOOSH! The group is hit with a tremendous blast of air. They shiver from the cold. 406 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 406 The wind in the room suddenly stops. He blows out his breath and watches it vaporize. The screaming face of Raymond Knowby emerges from the wall. A life like spirit made of swirling smoke and mist. RAYMOND Annie. 406P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 406P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 407 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 407 They turn to the ghost in fear. 408 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 408 Awestruck. Bobby Joe crosses herself. JAKE Holy Mother O'Mercy. 409 OMIT 409 410 OMIT 410 411 OMIT 411 412 OMIT 412 413 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GHOST OF RAYMOND 413 RAYMOND There is a dark spirit here that wants to destroy you. Your salvation lies in the pages from the Book of the Dead. The ghost of Raymond points to Annie's glass case. CAMERA PANS to it. Inside are the pages from the Book. 413P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 413P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 414 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 414 Listening. 415 ANGLE - THE GROUP AND THE GHOST OF RAYMOND 415 RAYMOND Recite the passages. Dispel the evil. Save my soul... And your own lives. The ghost of Raymond screams and is gone. 415P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 415P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 416 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 416 Whoosh! Again they are hit with a blast of air. 416A MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 416A BOBBY JOE Jake, you squeezing my hand too tight. JAKE I ain't got your hand, baby. BOBBY JOE Then who...? Bobby Joe raises her hand into frame, to reveal Ash's Evil Hand clutched in hers. Bobby Joe goes nuts, screaming and flailing about trying to throw the hand from her. She slams into the lantern, knocking it out. We lose them in the darkness. JAKE'S VOICE Somebody get the light! The sound of chairs being pushed over. The sound of a door opening and closing. 417 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 417 As he lights the lantern illuminating the room. CAMERA PANS over to reveal only Jake and Annie. 418 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 418 Looking about. JAKE Hey. Bobby Joe's gone! 419 OMIT 419 420 OMIT 420 421 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 421 Screaming, Bobby Joe makes a mad dash away from the cabin. It diminishes in size behind her, she has had enough of it. 422 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - DRAGWAY 422 MEDIUM SHOT - BOBBY JOE - TRACKING As she races through the woods. 423 CLOSER - JONES' CREEK 423 She runs deep into the woods, still looking behind her as she slams into a twisted oak tree that stops her flat. An angry face appears on the surface of the tree. Its gnarled bark folds open to reveal very human like oversized eyes. A large fold in its bark opens to form a gaping mouth dripping tree sap saliva. TREE FACE BAHHHH! 423A CLOSE SHOT - TREE FACE 423A 424 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE - (REVERSE ACTION) 424 JONES' CREEK Screaming as she backs away from this living tree as a flurry of snake like vines pick themselves up off of the ground and come to life about her. 425 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE'S LEGS - (REVERSE ACTION) 425 JONES' CREEK Two living vines wind their way toward her legs and coil around her ankles tightly. 426 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE - JONES' CREEK - 4 RIPS 426 She lets out a short shrill scream, as her shirt is torn away from her. 427 MED. SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 427 Living vines wind around Bobby Joe's torso and breasts in a furious wrapping motion. 428 CLOSE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 428 A living vine wraps around her throat. 429 CLOSE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 429 Tiny vines wrap around Bobby Joe's hand and fingers. 429A EXT. JONES CREEK - NIGHT 429A SHOTS OF VINES COMING TOWARDS CAMERA 430 MED. SHOT - RIGGING - STUNT 430 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK Bobby Joe, wrapped in vines, is reeled backwards and ripped through a wall of branches. 431 MED. SHOT - PANNING - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT 431 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK At a great speed, Bobby Joe is pulled away from the cabin and towards the forest by the vines. 432 BOBBY JOE'S POV - OVER HER LEGS - RIGGING EFFECT 432 STUNT - UNDERCRANKED - REVERSE ACTION - DRAGWAY As the vines rocket her on a speeding FAST MOTION joyride along the forest floor. 433 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE'S FACE 433 RIGGING EFX - DRAGWAY As she drags along the forest flctor, the smaller vines force their way into Bobby Joe's nose and mouth and then under the first layer of her facial skin. 433A TRACKING SHOT - DRAGWAY - DUMMY AND STUNT 433A She is pulled along the ground and down into a foxhole (dummy). Camera continues tracking along her original trajectory until we come to the second foxhole where she emerges, now covered in mud, and screaming. 433B ANGLE - DUMMY - JONES' CREEK 433B Bobby Joe rips through spikes extending from a log and is dragged through two mud puddles. The vines wisk her away. 434 EXT. SWAMP - NIGHT 434 PANNING SHOT - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT She hits a swamp with a giant splash, but even this does not stop her. 435 LONG SHOT - SWAMP 435 ROOSTERTAIL WATER SPRAY EFX - STUNT She glides across the surface of the swamp with a great roostertail spray of water, as if she were on water skis. 436 ANGLE - RIGGING EFX - STUNT - SWAMP 436 She hits the other side of the swamp and is rocketed out of the water and across the forest floor. 437 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - JONES' CREEK - DUMMY 437 STATIC CAMERA - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT - UNDERCRANKED Bobby Joe comes roaring towards us, screaming. She rips past. 438 STATIC CAMERA - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT 438 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK From BEHIND CAMERA Bobby Joe appears and goes racing into the distance. 439 BOBBY JOE'S POV - OVER HER LEGS - DRAGWAY 439 RIGGING EFFECT - UNDERCRANKED - STUNT Darting in and around trees, a major stump is coming right for her. Bobby Joe's legs spread wide. The tree stump races closer. Bobby Joe SCREAMS . . . her last. 439A TREE STUMP'S POV - BOBBY JOE APPROACHES 439A UNDERCRANKED 439B BOBBY JOE'S LEGS - STUMP - DRAGWAY 439B STOP MOTION - REVERSE ACTION Girl meets stump. 440 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - OVERCRANKED 440 LOW SHOT - LOOKING UPWARD PAST THE STUMP - BLOOD GEYSER EFX We hear the RIP! And watch as a geyser of blood floods up into the night sky. 441 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - OVERCRANKED 441 CLOSE SHOT - GLASS CASE CONTAINING PAGES FROM BOOK OF THE DEAD It falls away from the CAMERA and shatters on the table beneath us. 442 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 442 As their hands scramble at removing the pages from the bits of broken glass. 443 MED. SHOT - JAKE IN FG - ASH AND ANNIE IN BG 443 Jake is looking out the boarded window of the cabin, searching for some sign of Bobby Joe. 444 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 444 JAKE'S POV - THE DARK WOODS - WINDOW FRAME All is silent as fog rushes in and around the woods. JAKE Where the hell is she? 445 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 445 MED. SHOT - JAKE AND ASH AND ANNIE Jake turns to Ash. JAKE We gotta go out there and find her! ASH If she went out in those woods, she's not coming back. Jake turns back to the window. Ash turns to Annie. He glances down at the pages that Annie is looking over. 445A ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT - PAGES AND ANNIE 445A One of the pages is a clear pictorial of Ash as the "Hero from the Sky." 445B ASH AND ANNIE 445B Ash shudders. ANNIE What is it? ASH Felt like someone just walked over my grave. It's that picture. Annie looks to it. 445C CLOSE SHOT - PAGE OF THE BOOK OF THE DEAD 445C CONTAINING ASH'S "HERO FROM THE SKY" ILLUSTRATION. 445D ANNIE AND ASH 445D ANNIE In 1300 AD. This was the "Hero from the Sky," who was prophesized to destroy this Evil. ASH He didn't do a very good job. What about the passages? 446 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 446 As she quickly gives the pages a cursory glance. ANNIE Here it is. Two passages. For the first time, she smiles at Ash. ANNIE We've got it! 446A - 446H OMIT 446A - 446H 447 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 447 Finally seeing his salvation, his face shows hope. 447A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 447A Annie reads through the pages. ANNIE Recitation of the first passage will make this "Dark Spirit" manifest itself in the flesh. ASH Why the hell would we want to do that? Annie thumbs through one or two of the other pages. ANNIE Recitation of the second passage creates a kind of rift in time and space, and the physical manifestation of this spirit can be forced back through this rift... to an earlier time and place. At least that's the best translation I can .... CLICKITY CLICK 448 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 448 Annie and Ash look up to the source of the sound. 449 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE 449 He has just snapped a shell into the firing chamber of the shotgun. He points it at Ash and Annie. JAKE I'm runnin' the show now. 450 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 450 Standing together, confused. 450A CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 450A JAKE We're goin' outside into those woods to look for Bobby Joe, an' once we find her, we're gettin' the hell outta here. ASH If you want to look for her, go ahead. JAKE You two comin' with me. I ain't goin' out there alone. ASH NO, YOU IDIOT. You'll kill us all. She's dead by now. With these pages we can... Jake grabs the pages from Annie's hand. JAKE Those pages don't mean shit. Jake kicks the pages down into the cellar. Ash and Annie look on in horror. JAKE 'Sides. Now you ain't got no, choice. Jake pushes at Ash with the barrel of the shotgun. JAKE Now move! Ash hesitates. JAKE Move you son of a bitch! 451 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 451 Ash, Annie and Jake exit the cabin. 452 EXT. FRONT PORCH OF CABIN - NIGHT 452 TRACKING BACKWARD Ash, Annie and Jake walk towards the woods. In the FG is Ash. He looks off past the CAMERA in fear. 453 ASH'S POV - WOODS - NIGHT ROD PUPPETS - STUDIO 453 As he approaches a line of trees whose branches bend and sway with a threatening motion. 453A EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING BACKWARD 453A ASH, JAKE, AND ANNIE ASH No trail. Which way do you intend to go? 453B CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 453B Looking confused and frightened. He calls out desperately. JAKE Bobby Joe! 453C EXT. WOODS NIGHT - POV EVIL FORCE 453C As it glides through the woods. We hear a muted shout from Jake. JAKE (O.S.) Bobby Joe, where are you girl? And the POV of the force suddenly swings about to reveal Jake, Ash, and Annie not to far away. 453D EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - ASH 453D As he moves deeper into the woods. 453E EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - ANNIE 453E As she searches the woods with her eyes in fear. 453F EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - JAKE 453F As scared as the rest of them, but driven to find Bobby Joe. 453G POV EVIL FORCE - EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 453G As it approaches the group. 453H EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - FOAM SHOTGUN STOCK 453H JAKE, ASH, AND ANNIE JAKE Bobby Joe! Bobby Joe! Ash approaches Jake. ASH You'll get us all killed. JAKE Shaddup! Jake slams Ash across the face with the stock of the shotgun. Ash plummets to the ground. Annie screams! She goes after Jake. Jake slugs her and she falls to the ground. 453I EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - JAKE, ASH, AND ANNIE 453I POV - EVIL FORCE It draws closer. 453J EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - JAKE - CLOSE SHOT 453J Raging to the night! JAKE Bobby Joe! 453K EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 453K POV of Evil Force racing up to the group. 453L EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 453L Jake halts his screaming. He listens in the silence as possessed Ash juts up into the frame! His eyes are bone white, his flesh, the pale color of the dead. His lips, black. He bellows to the night! 454 - 473 OMIT 454-473 474 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 474 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE She screams and stumbles backwards, towards the cabin. 475 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - CRANE 475 MEDIUM SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - JAKE DUMMY - FLYING RIG Possessed Ash lifts Jake up above his head and throws him into a large tree. It explodes in a blast of sawdust as the dummy slams into it. 476 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 476 MEDIUM SHOT Annie dashes inside and turns to look out the open doorway. 477 EXT. CABIN - ANNIE'S POV - THRU THE OPEN DOORWAY 477 All is quiet outside, no sign of Possessed Ash or Jake, and then Possessed Ash is there, emerging from the darkness suddenly. He raises his finger and points to Annie. He speaks in the low garbled voice of a demon: POSSESSED ASH JOIN US! 478 INT. CABIN - MED. SHOT - ANNIE 478 She rushes to the door, hoping to get there before Possessed Ash. 479 MED. SHOT - ANNIE AND POSSESSED ASH 479 She slams the front door shut just in time. 480 MED. SHOT - ANNIE - WRITING DESK 480 She picks up the Kandarian Dagger. CREAK - SNAP! A sound coming from somewhere in the rear of the cabin. She turns toward the door to the hallway. 481 - 486 OMIT 481 - 486 487 ANNIE'S POV - THE DOOR TO THE HALLWAY 487 It is closed. 488 OMIT 488 489 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 489 She moves to investigate the sound. As she approaches the rear door to the hall and slowly opens it. 489A ANNIE'S POV 489A As the door to the hallway is pulled open, revealing ... only the empty hallway. 489B INT. CABIN HALLWAY - NIGHT 489B ANNIE She breathes a sigh of relief. 490 ANNIE'S POV 490 As she moves down the hall. It is dark. Curtains flutter on the boarded windows. 491 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 491 As she moves towards the rear of the cabin. 491A INT. HALLWAY/EXT. CABIN - LOCATION - ANNIE'S POV 491A THE WINDOW AND WOODS BEYOND We approach the window and look out into the night. Fog billows through the trees, and in the distance the monster that is Ash emerges. He heads toward the cabin and disappears in a bank of fog. 491B INT. HALLWAY (STUDIO) 491B Annie is frightened. She spins her head to a sound. 492 ANNIE'S POV - THE REAR DOOR OF THE CABIN 492 Creak! The doorknob is turning. Something is trying to get in. 493 ANNIE - MED. SHOT 493 She forces her back to the wall. She tenses with the dagger, ready to slay whatever should enter. 494 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 494 She waits. 495 CLOSE SHOT - THE KANDARIAN DAGGER 495 Gripped tightly in Annie's sweating hands. 496 CLOSE SHOT - DOORKNOB 496 Rattling violently now. And suddenly it opens. 497 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE'S HANDS 497 As they swing the dagger. 498 CLOSE SHOT 498 As the dagger imbeds in the intruder's chest. CAMERA PANS UP quickly to reveal a gasping Jake. 499 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND ANNIE 499 Jake falls to the ground, half in and out of the doorway. He is still alive. 500 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 500 As she backs away in horror, clutching at her head. ANNIE No! She backs to a partially boarded window. 501 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 501 Possessed Ash juts up into frame in the window behind her. Annie screams and runs toward the open back door. Possessed Ash spots the open door through the window and begins to move around the side of the house. 502 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 502 As she goes to slam the door. 503 MED. SHOT - JAKE 503 As he lies moaning in the doorway, the door slams upon him. 504 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 504 As she reaches down and pulls Jake's body out of the way. 505 EXT. CABIN/REAR - NIGHT 505 POSSESSED ASH As he moves around the side of the cabin, tearing apart a trellis that stands in his path, and three hanging flowerpots as he approaches the open door. 506 INT. CABIN BACK HALLWAY - NIGHT 506 MED. SHOT - ANNIE Again she tries to slam the door. 507 MED. SHOT - JAKE'S DUMMY ANKLE 507 Which lies in the door's path, preventing it from closing. 508 EXT. CABIN/REAR - NIGHT 508 OVER POSSESSED ASH'S SHOULDER As he approaches the back door. He grabs the screen door and tears it loose with a single motion. 509 INT. CABIN REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 509 ANNIE As she pulls Jake's ankle from the door and slams it. All is again silent. 509A INT. CABIN - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT - ANNIE AND JAKE 509A Annie kneels down next to a moaning Jake, driving the dagger in a little deeper by accident. He cries out in pain. JAKE Get the axe. Kill it. Kill it. Jake moans and dies. 509B CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 509B As she turns her head to the sound of breaking glass. 509C TRACKING SHOT - ANNIE - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 509C As she cautiously approaches the main room. 509D ANNIE'S POV - REAR HALLWAY/MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 509D As she moves towards the main room. 509E MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - ANNIE 509E Annie enters the room. She shudders from the cold. CAMERA PANS with her glance to broken glass upon the floor, and over to reveal the bashed out window and the curtains fluttering in the wind. 509F MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 509F Petrified. Looking about. Knowing that the monster Ash may be lurking close. 509G WIDE SHOT - ANNIE 509G As she moves about the main room, picking up the axe. With her back toward us she doesn't notice Ash's hand appear suddenly in the foreground atop the writing desk. She turns suddenly towards camera. 509H OVER ANNIE'S SHOULDER 509H Ash's evil hand sits upon the table. It scampers off. Annie turns and comes face to face with Possessed Ash! He bellows at her and grabs her as she shrieks bloody murder! 510 OMIT 510 511 OMIT 511 512 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 512 WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH AND ANNIE - DUMMY He picks her up and swings her across the room, into the wall. She slumps to the floor unconscious. 513 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 513 As he lumbers toward her. 514 ASH'S POV - STAR FILTER - MIRROR NECKLACE 514 As he moves closer to her unmoving body. A glitter of light on the floor, next to her, catches his eye. 515 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 515 For the first time, calm, as he looks intently down at the floor. He kneels closer. 516 ASH'S POV - (STAR FILTER) 516 The NECKLACE of Linda. 517 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 517 The sight of the necklace strikes the human cord within him. He is confused, his evil self, battling for control of his spirit and body. He reaches to pick it up. 518 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 518 As he slowly picks up the delicate silver necklace. He raises it to his face; LINDA (V.O.) I'll never take it off. And then it hits him. The emotion of love lost. It floods the monster that is ASH. He clutches the necklace tightly to his bestial chest. And as the Love/waltz theme sweeps up in volume on the sound track, the monster begins to cry. 519 WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH AND ANNIE - TULIP CRANE 519 Ash raises his head and lets out a low, lamenting, and pitiful wail. A man trapped in the shell of a beast, crying for the one he has lost. 520 MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - 50% POSSESSED 520 As he raises his head. Tears stream down from his eyes, washing away the caked on blood. 521 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH (REVERSE ACTION) 521 BLADDER EFX - 50 - 20% POSSESSED His face begins to change. His skin loses its white pallor. His blackened, infected cuts disappear. The swollen and cracked surface of his face begins to heal. 522 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) - MINIATURE 522 EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - DUMMY HEAD W/FLUID EYE CHAMBER Ash's eyes change from white to brown. 523 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 523 As the last tears roll down Ash's face, he is once again human. Ash looks up suddenly with a start. 524 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 524 EXPLODING FLOOR As he rolls out of the way a moment before the head of the axe buries itself in the wooden floor. Splinters fly. 525 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 525 EXPLODING WALL EFX Rolls to his feet and stands. He ducks as Annie enters frame, charging him with axe, screaming. ASH No. WAIT! Annie swings the axe and again Ash ducks. The head of the axe slams into the plastered wall smashing right through. 526 CLOSER - ASH AND ANNIE 526 Ash grabs her tightly with his remaining hand. ASH Listen to me! I'm all right now. That thing is gone. Ash pushes her away. Annie falls to the floor. She stands. 527 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 527 EXPLODING WALL EFX Catching his wind for a moment. Then rolls to the side as the axe again comes at him! SLAM! The head of the axe slices into the wall only a few inches from his head. 528 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 528 As he grabs Annie by the face and forces her backwards. ASH GOD DAMN IT! I said I was all right!! Annie is nearly choking. ANNIE Okay. Ash releases her gently. She again looks to Ash, cautiously. ANNIE Are you sure? ASH You'll be the first to know. I'm fine. 529 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 529 ANNIE Yeah, but for how long? If we're going to beat this thing, we need those pages. 529A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 529A As he turns to the trap door. ASH Then let's head down into that cellar... 529B CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR 529B It lies silently against the floor. A rasping breath can be heard from below. 529C CLOSE SHOT - ASH 529C He turns from the trap door to Annie. ASH ...And carve ourselves a witch. 530 EXT. WORKSHED - NIGHT 530 Ash's hand flips open the latch on the shed door. 531 INT. WORKSHED - NIGHT 531 The door is kicked open, revealing the silhouette of Ash and Annie as they stand in the doorway. 532 WORKSHED SHELF 532 Rats scurry for safety as the shaft of light from the door hits them. 533 HANGING BULB 533 ASH'S hand pulls on the cord, turning on the light. 534 WORKSHED TABLE 534 Ash's arm sweeping the chains and pieces of wood onto the floor. 535 OMIT 535 536 OMIT 536 537 OMIT 537 538 THE HOSE CLAMP 538 Is tossed down upon the workshed table. 539 A SECOND HOSECLAMP 539 Is tossed down next to the first. 540 ANNIE'S HANDS 540 Hold down a clamp as ASH'S hand, creates screw sized holes in it with a battery powered drill. 541 ANNIE'S HANDS 541 Attach the hoseclamps to a piece of red steel. 542 ANNIE'S HANDS 542 Attach the red piece of steel to ASH'S stump, via the clamps. 543 ANNIE'S HANDS 543 Attach a "V" type hook Around Ash's neck, just above his bicep. 544 ASH'S HAND 544 Slams down the chainsaw upon the table. It is missing its side panel. ASH'S arm enters frame and we see that it is this missing side panel that has been clamped to his stump. 545 CLOSER SHOT 545 The panel slides into the side of the chainsaw with a sharp "CLICK". 546 ASH 546 As he bends the chainsaw to his chest. 547 CLOSE SHOT 547 The "T" shaped end of the starter cord falls neatly into the "V" shaped hook that is strapped around Ash's neck. 548 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 548 He looks up to Annie, the moment of truth. 549 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 549 Hair tousled over her sweating face, returns his glance, expectant. 550 WIDE SHOT 550 Ash extends his chainsaw arm, pulling on the starter cord. The CHAINSAW ROARS to life. With his free arm Ash raises the shotgun. He lowers the blade of the chainsaw down upon the barrel. Sparks fly as the saw cuts through it. The long barrel falls to the floor. Ash is left with a sawed off shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw strapped to his other arm. With a fancy style western flip to the gun Ash saddles the shotgun in a makeshift holster, strapped to his back. The CAMERA SLOWLY TRACKS into Ash's face. ASH Groovy. 551 - OMIT 551 551A EXT. CABIN/WORKSHED - NIGHT - INKY PUPPET 551A In the distance, the tiny figures of Ash and Annie as they move from the workshed to the cabin. In the foreground is a large oak tree. A gnarled human- like face can be made out on the surface of the tree. It is lit from beneath and slolwly brought up on a dimmer. A horrible twisted tree face. It suddenly opens its mouth and breathes in a gust of air with a terrible wheezing sound, as though in great pain at being brought to life. It turns sharply towards the cabin. 552 CLOSE SHOT - DINKY PUPPET 552 Second tree face, brought up on a dimmer, opens its mouth and loudly draws in air, also in agony. 553 CLOSE SHOT - MOE PUPPET 553 A third tree's twisted face, two human eyes opened wide on its surface. It breathes, then barks a guttural sound. 554 MED. SHOT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 554 In the foreground is the base of a large oak tree. The cabin in the distance. A rumbling is heard. Then suddenly the tree pulls one of its massive roots from the earth. The tree sets its root down a few feet closer to the cabin. 555 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 555 WIDE SHOT - TREE PUPPETS An entire line of trees. All pull their roots free from the soil and take an awkward and lumbering step towards the cabin. 556-564 OMIT 556-564 565 INT. MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 565 CLOSE SHOT - THE BLADE OF THE CHAINSAW Begins cutting through the wood of the trap door. 566 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 566 Tensing with her axe, ready for the beast to spring. 567 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW BLADE 567 As it completes the second cut in the wood of the trap door. 568 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 568 As he finishes the slicing job and kicks open the trap door. 569 LOW ANGLE - ANNIE AND ASH - FROM CELLAR LOOKING UP 569 The broken bits of the trap door fall past the camera, as they cautiously peer down into the cellar. 570 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 570 ANNIE'S POV Looking down into the cellar. No sign of Henrietta. The bottom of the steps disappear into blackness. ASH Those pages are down there somewhere. 571 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 571 MED. SHOT - ASH He kicks aside the broken trapdoor and slowly descends into the darkness. 572 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 572 MED. SHOT Ash arrives at the bottom of the steps. He looks about the dark corners of the cellar trying to find some sign of Henrietta or the pages. 573 OMIT 573 574 OMIT 574 575 ASH'S POV 575 Panning the cobwebs and dark stone walls of the cellar. Half hidden in the shadows we see two of the missing pages. 575A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 575A As he moves through the cellar and grabs the pages. He spots another page somewhat deeper into the cellar. 575B ASH'S POV 575B A fourth and fifth page lay upon the earthen floor, at the base of the cellar's rear door. 575C ASH - CLOSE SHOT 575C Ash moves to pages and gathers them. Annie's voice calls down. ANNIE (O.S.) Did you find her? 576 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 576 ASH She's playing hard to get... He pumps the throttle on the buzzing saw. ASH ... rid of. Behind Ash, unseen by him, a shadow darts by. 577 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 577 He hears a sound. 577A ASH'S POV - 577A It is coming from the door to the cellar's rear room. 577B ANGLE - ASH 577B He reaches for the door and opens it. Revealing darkness beyond. Ash enters. Again he hears the slight sound, a gentle ticking. 578 INT. CELLAR - REAR ROOM - NIGHT - ASH'S POV 578 The ticking sound is coming from behind a hanging drape. 579 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 579 He approaches the drape, reaches out his hand and pulls it back sharply. Revealing an old water heater, ticking and steaming. 579A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 579A He breathes a sigh of relief as the half eaten skeleton torso of Ed falls atop him! Ash screams and steps suddenly away. 579B ASH'S POV 579B Ed's skeletal carcass falls to the earthen floor still wrapped in the bloody sheet. 579C CLOSE SHOT - ASH 579C Looking on in horror. ASH (In a whisper) She got hungry. Ash turns from the skeleton and quickly gathers up the remaining pages from the Book of the Dead. Getting scared now, he backs into the cellar's front room. 579D INT. CELLAR - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 579D As he moves towards the steps. He tosses up the bundle of pages. 579E MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 579E Peering down into the cellar, she grabs the pages. 579F MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE - MAIN ROOM 579F She rushes over to the writing desk and begins translating. 580 INT. CELLAR - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 580 Getting scared now, decides to exit the cellar. He climbs the steps. 581 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET 581 As they climb. From behind the wooden steps, the horrible head of Henrietta appears. Her two rotting hands grab at Ash's ankles. 582 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 582 He looks down with a scream. 583 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA/ASH'S DUMMY FEET 583 HENRIETTA Come to me. Come to sweet Henrietta! Her face pulls back behind the cellar steps. Her hands pull ASH's feet in after her. 584 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - CAMERA RIG 584 As Ash falls, he slams his jaw down upon the bottom step. 585 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW ARM 585 As the spinning blade jams into the step, stalling the engine. 586 LONG SHOT - ASH DUMMY - AND HENRIETTA'S HANDS 586 (UNDERCRANKED) In an instant, his entire body is pulled beneath the steps. 587 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 587 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE As she sits at the writing desk, reciting the first of the passages. ANNIE Nos-feratos-allo-memnon-kanda! She puts aside the pages and glances up suddenly at the faint sounds of the struggle from the cellar. 588 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 588 LONG SHOT - ASH - CELLAR STEPS (UNDERCRANKED) Ash's badly mauled body rips through the staircase with a great force. 589 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 589 As he slams into the earth floor of the cellar. He moans, and looks towards the steps. 590 ASH'S POV - THE WOODEN STAIRCASE (REVERSE ACTION) 590 As a cackling Henrietta appears where the bottom section of staircase used to stand. 591 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 591 MED. SHOT - ANNIE As she races from the writing desk to look down into the cellar. 592 OVER ANNIE'S SHOULDER - UNDERCRANKED 592 As she kneels down at the trapdoor, about to call down to Ash when the witchlike figure of Henrietta floats quickly up into the main room from the cellar. A flurry of moths about her. HENRIETTA Free! Free at last! 593 WIDE SHOT - ANNIE 593 As Annie attempts to move from the trap door. Henrietta is clutching at Annie's hair and laughing with a demonic malice, as she spins about the room in mid air. 594 CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR - ANNIE'S FEET 594 Ash's bloodied arm slings itself over the edge of the trapdoor. He pulls himself up into the main room. 595 MED. SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - 595 HENRIETTA AND ANNIE Henrietta turns sharply to Ash with a growl. 596 MED. SHOT - ASH 596 He stands and jerks out his chainsaw arm sharply. The cord is pulled and the engine roars to life! 597 MED. SHOT - HENRIETTA 597 As she leaps through the air toward Ash. 598 HENRIETTA'S POV - RACING AT HIM - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 598 Ash swings his buzzing chainsaw. 599 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S GNARLED HAND 599 As it grabs the body of the chainsaw, halting it in mid swing. 600 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND HENRIETTA 600 As she keeps the buzzing chainsaw at bay with one hand, while her other grabs at Ash's throat, strangling him. 600A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 600A As he is slammed through the window. 600B ASH AND HENRIETTA 600B Ash kicks her in the stomach. Henrietta is furious. 600C CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED HENRIETTA - MITCHELL CAMERA 600C STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN She grits her teeth, concentrates, and her neck begins to grow. She begins to change to Pee Wee Head. 600CP PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 600CP INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT CAMERA PANS UP on "B" wall. 601 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA - MITCHELL CAMERA 601 STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN As the pee wee Head transformation continues, Henrietta's neck grows, like a jack in the box. It extends a solid five feet upward, so that her head is now looking down upon Ash baring its teeth. 601P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - ASH - MITCHELL CAMERA 601P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 602 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - TULIP CRANE 602 CAMERA CRANING UP ON HIM Ash gapes in fear at this monstrosity that looms above him. 603A INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 603A POSSESSED HENRIETTA PUPPET - MEDIUM SHOT Her neck undulating like a snake, she bites and snaps. HENRIETTA I'll swallow your soul, swallow your soul! 603B ASH - CLOSE SHOT 603B He reacts. 603C WORKING DUMMY HENRIETTA HEAD ON "FLYING HEAD RIG" 603C AND ASH Henrietta swoops at Ash as he keeps her at bay with the buzzing chainsaw. 603 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 603 STOP MOTION - REAR SCREEN - LOOKING UPWARD AT HENRIETTA'S HEAD She opens her mouth impossibly wide, exposing those nasty rows of jagged shark like teeth. She dive bombs him. 603P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - BART-O-FLEX 603P Plate for previous scene. 604 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD AND ASH 604 As her head springs down into frame and halts suddenly inches from his face. In the silence we hear the reason: Annie's voice singing the same melody that her mother had sung to her earlier from the cellar. For a moment Henrietta's face loses its evil malice. She is confused at this sound. Henrietta halts. She spins her head toward Annie. 605 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 605 As she finishes the melancholy song. 606 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA 606 MAGIC BLADE AND GUIDE TRACK RIG Still confused, suddenly she shrieks and the chainsaw comes buzzing through her from behind. The spinning blade juts out from Henrietta's midsection. 607 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND HENRIETTA 607 BODY PARTS ON WIRES Body parts (2 arms) fly past the camera on wire. Ash slices and dices. Henrietta screeches like a wild banshee. 608 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD AND ANNIE IN B.G. 608 As Pee Wee Head spins toward Ash, furious. HENRIETTA Swallow your soul! 609 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 609 Swings his chainsaw arm in a sharp arc. 609A ANGLE - HENRIETTA 609A Henrietta's head is sliced from her neck with a chainsaw. Steam pours from her neck. 610 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD - OVERCRANKED 610 As it flies up into frame, sliced from its neck. 610A ASH 610A As he completes the arc of the chainsaw. 611 CLOSE SHOT - DUMMY HENRIETTA PEE WEE HEAD 611 W/ SMALL SECTION OF NECK As it hits the floor. 612 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA'S BODY 612 It's neck spouts steam, wagging about like a snake. Behind her Annie watches as the body topples to the floor. 613 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 613 He looks down. 614 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD SCREAMING AT HIM: 614 HENRIETTA'S HEAD Swallow your soul! Swallow your soul! Ash's foot steps down upon her head, pinning it to the floor. Her neck still writhing. 615 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 615 He unsaddles his sawed off shotgun from the holster on his back. He points the barrel at her head point blank. ASH Swallow this. He pulls the trigger. BLAM! Flame barks from the gun. 616 3 CAMERAS - CLOSE SHOT HENRIETTA AND GUN BARREL 616 (OVERCRANKED) GELATIN HEAD - SQUIB Her head explodes into a million pieces. 617 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 617 Annie is crying. Ash holsters the gun. ASH May she rest in pieces. 618 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 618 As they look at each other for a quiet moment of relief. Ash shuts off the chainsaw. Annie moves slowly to Ash's arms. He holds her. 619 CLOSER - ASH AND ANNIE - MAIN ROOM - KITCHEN IN B.G. 619 They pull apart and look into each others eyes. Annie holds the pages. Maybe they can get away after all. A LOUD BOOMING echoes throughout the cabin! As though the outside walls of the place were being bombarded by cannon balls. The kitchen wall behind them buckles. 620 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND "D WALL" 620 SQUIB ON MIRROR As the B - board of the wall behind Ash falls away revealing battered logs. The mirror shatters. 621 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND "A" WALL The wall cracks beneath the terrific force of whatever is outside hammering upon it. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! 622 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE - THE SOFA 622 "B" WALL CAMERA TRACKS in on them as they look about in fear. Dust is falling about them. The cabin walls are starting to break apart. There is a tremendous "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" type jolt to the cabin. Ash and Annie stagger for footing. 623 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - BOARDED WINDOW 623 Ash grabs ahold of the window frame to brace himself. 623A CLOSE SHOT - VINES - INT. MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 623A REVERSE ACTION - VINES Vines wrap about the planks which cover the window. 623B MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - BOARDED WINDOW 623B Behind him, the planks in the window are ripped away by finger-like vines. A terrifying tree face on the surface of a giant oak is revealed, as it peeks in through the window at them. 624 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 624 She screams. She turns toward "D Wall" at a loud wrenching sound. 625 MEDIUM SHOT - "D" WALL WINDOW 625 As vines reach in the cabin, tearing away the planks revealing an even more horrible tree face. 626 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 626 TREE PUPPET A tree beats its branches furiously upon the EXT. wall of the cabin. It rips apart the cabin's stone chimney. 627 ANGLE - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 627 TREE PUPPET A second gnarled tree slams its trunk against the rear door of the cabin. 628 LONG SHOT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 628 TREE PUPPET The entire cabin is surrounded by a group of lumbering oaks. All working to get in at Ash and Annie. 629 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 629 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE Annie runs to the writing desk. She flips through the missing pages from the Book of the Dead. Dust from the ceiling drifts down. ANNIE (shouting above the noise) No! I only completed the first of the passages. And that was to make the evil a thing of the flesh! 630 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 630 POV EVIL FORCE As it roars out of the woods, and towards the distant cabin faster than we've ever seen it. 631 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 631 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he runs over to Annie. ASH You didn't finish it?! ANNIE There's still the second passage. The one to open the rift and send the evil back. ASH Start reciting it. Now! 632 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 632 POV EVIL FORCE As it rockets towards the cabin doing 80 mph. 633 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 633 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE Shouting to be heard as she continues reading from the passage: ANNIE Tar-tra Kanda-Estra! Hudsucker Proxy -- Kanda! 634 OMIT 634 634A EXT. CABIN - WOODS - NIGHT 634A The forest at night. Bubbling smoke appears, then flame. Through the smoke, the beginnings of a winding spiral of a cloudlike material. 634AP1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 634AP1 SMOKE AND FLAME - MINIATURE (STUDIO) 634AP2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 634AP2 The rift. 635 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 635 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE ANNIE Aton-Neran-Ofas! 636 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 636 POV EVIL FORCE As it races right up to the front door of the cabin. 637 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 637 MED. SHOT - ANNIE - WIND FAN Reading from the passage. Behind her, the front door rips open and in comes a giant rotten apple head of the evil entity made flesh. A SHRIEKING, BULBOUS BEHEMOTH! 638 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 638 STOP MOTION ANIMATION CLOSE SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN Ash as he witnesses the most horrible sights a man can behold. Ash's black hair streaks white before our eyes. Behind him, two flowers in their pots wither and die in seconds. ASH Finish it! 638P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 638P Plate for previous scene, with dying flowers. 639 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 639 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE - WIND FAN ANNIE Kanda! Samonda Roba Areda Gyes Indy En-zeen, Nos-Feratos - 639A CLOSE SHOT 639A Annie as she gasps. 639B MED. SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (3 SEC.) 639B Annie as she falls to the floor, dead. Jutting from her back is the Kandarian dagger and hanging onto the end of the dagger is Ash's demon hand. 639 C,D,E, OMIT 639 C,D,E 640 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND WINDOW ON "B" WALL 640 ASH No! CRASH! Behind Ash a living tree branch rips through the cabin window! 641 MED. SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN - WRAPPING EFX BRANCH 641 Ash turns suddenly to get away. Too late. The living branch wraps about ASH'S waist and lifts him, screaming, OUT OF FRAME. 642 MED. SHOT - ASH IN GRIP OF TREE BRANCH - WIND FAN 642 Ash is being lifted toward the gaping mouth of rotten apple head. Ash is frantically jerking out his arm in an attempt to start the chainsaw strapped to his wrist. PUTT, PUTT, PUTT. It won't start. As the face of rotten apple head looms close, it opens its terrible mouth, ready to consume him. 643 CLOSE SHOT - ASH IN GRIP OF GIANT TREE BRANCH 643 From inside the creature's mouth looking out. Ash is screaming as he is brought towards its gnashing teeth. PUTT, PUTT, PUTT. His chainsaw still won't start. 643A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 643A Half dead as she crawls to the pages on the floor and gasps out the final sentences. ANNIE Nos-feratos - Amen-non. Ak-adeem! Razin - Arozonia! 643B EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 643B WIDE SHOT - REVERSE ACTION The rift grows more powerful. 643BP PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 643BP The rift. 644 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 644 Sweating and terrified. He draws closer. 645 ASH'S POV 645 The CAMERA tracks in toward the mouth of rotten apple head. It's massive jaw jutts from the head, biting and snapping. Sap-like saliva drips from the orifice. Ash's feet kick at the mouth of rotten apple head, trying to keep it away. Its jaws snap at his shoes. 645A C.U. - ASH'S FEET - PUSHING AT THE GUMS OF 645A RAH'S MOUTH. SNAP! The massive teeth snap together biting Ash's foot in half. 645B C.U. ASH 645B He screams, then looks down to his foot. 645C C.U. ASH'S FOOT - (OVERLARGE SHOE) 645C Missing the leather toe section, he reveals that he still has his toes intact. 646 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 646 As he sharply jerks his arm outward! The CHAINSAW ROARS to life! He raises it high above his head and plunges it forward. 647 WIDE SHOT - ASH AND ROTTEN APPLE HEAD 647 Ash thrusts the spinning chainsaw blade into the single eye of the beast. 648 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 648 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW As it punctures the giant eyeball and then pulls free. Green sauce spouts from the creature's wound. 649 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 649 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he is doused in the green bile. SPLAT! 650 CLOSE SHOT - ROTTEN APPLE HEAD 650 Eyeless, it screams in anger. 650A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 650A With her last gasp. ANNIE ....Kanda! 651 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 651 WIDE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) As the rift pulls in fog and trees that surround the house. 651P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 651P1 SMOKE AND FLAME - MINIATURE (STUDIO) 651P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 651P2 The Rift. 652 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 652 WIDE SHOT As rotten apple head is sucked out the doorway of the cabin. The door slams shut behind it. Its scream echoes off into the distance. 653 OMIT 653 654 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 654 MED. SHOT - ASH Slices through the bracch. 654A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 654A Ash and cut branch fall to the floor. 655 MED. SHOT 655 The cabin becomes much more quiet. The sounds of the trees are gone. Ash looks to Annie. She is dead. Ash moves to her, strokes her hair and begins to cry. ASH You did it. By God you did it. He lowers his head and begins to heave in sharp convulsive breaths of despair. 656 - 661 OMIT 656 - 661 662 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 662 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN Behind Ash the front door RIPS open with a TREMENDOUS BLAST. The door is sucked down into the rift. All of the objects in the room are sucked through the open doorway and down into the rift, including the pages of the Book of the Dead. 662P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 662P1 662P2 SECOND PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 662P2 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 662P3 EXT. PLATE/WOODS 662P3 663 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 663 WIND FAN Ash grabs ahold of the kitchen window ledge so as not to be swept outside by the force of the vacuum of the rift. Objects and papers fly past him. 664 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 664 Upon the kitchen window ledge. The ledge tears free. 665 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 665 As he screams, flying backward, towards the open door. 666 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO/PARTIAL SET/ 666 BLUE SCREEN) MEDIUM SHOT - WIND FAN - SAM-O-CAM The open doorway to the cabin. Ash flies towards it and is snagged from going through by the section of ledge that he holds. 666P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 666P 666P1 EXT. WOODS - PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 666P1 667 EXT. CABIN FRONT PORCH - NIGHT (STUDIO) 667 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WIRE RIGGING FOR FLYING His body is horizontal, his feet dangling in air, in the direction of the rift. 668 CLOSER - 668 Ash as he hangs on for dear life. Objects continue to fly past on wires. ASH For God's sake, how do you stop it? 669 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 669 BLUE SCREEN CLOSE SHOT - FLYING RIG The nails in the section of ledge that Ash holds TEAR loose and the ledge SNAPS in two. He spins wildly away from us and towards the rift. 669P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 669P 669P1 EXT. WOODS - PLATE 669P1 670 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUNT) WIRE RIGGING 670 Ash is rocketed through the air, spinning somersaults. 671 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 671 ASH ON FLYING RIG Ash is sucked down into the swirling rift. Like a particle that is swallowed by a deep funnel of draining water. The rift closed behind him. 671P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 671P1 671P2 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 671P2 Plate for previous scene. 672 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 672 ASH ON FLYING RIG We are now within the vortex. A swirling mass of colors and clouds. And nightmarish sound effects. Objects come AT US from the distance and roar past, an uprooted tree, the grandfather clock with its hands winding backwards at an incredible rate, Ash spinning AT US, hand over foot, screaming. The chainsaw still mounted to his wrist. 672P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE VORTEX 672P 673 INT. STUDIO - (STOP MOTION/BLUE SCREEN) 673 ASH The vortex is distorting Ash's features as he is rocketed back through the dark void of time. 673P1 OMIT 673P1 673P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE (STOCK FOOTAGE) 673P2 A wild and rapid pictorial collage of human history winding back from the present through the centuries lasting seven seconds. 674 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 674 WIDE SHOT A hole opens in the air with a sharp CRACKLING SOUND. Ash is spat from this hole and falls downward through frame. 674P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 674P EXT. SKY - DAY 674P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MINIATURE 674P2 SMOKE AND FLAME 675 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 675 MED. SHOT - GROUND - ASH - CAR CRANE - DELTA SHELLS Plunged to the dust. Debris from the demolished cabin rains down around him; his shotgun, the 1973 Delta 88 Oldsmobile and the old grandfather clock. 676 ASH'S POV. - THE RIFT IN THE SKY - MITCHELL 676 As it seals shut, leaving only the blue sky and the sound of tweeting birds. Ash's view of the serene sky changes abruptly as five steel helmets jut into his line of sight. Five armor-clad medieval WARRIORS stand directly over him. 676P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 676P1 676P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MINIATURE 676P2 SMOKE AND FLAME 677 OMIT 677 678 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND WARRIORS 678 As he looks to the warriors above him. The first warrior raises a bloodstained longsword and poises it above Ash's head. WARRIOR #1 Slay the beast! WARRIOR #2 'Tis a deadite! All raise their swords ready for the kill. 679 MED. SHOT - THE WARRIORS 679 Halt as they hear a piercing, high-pitched SCREECH. They turn their heads skyward. 680 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 680 Follows the Warriors' gaze. 681 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 681 (STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) MED. SHOT A "WINGED DEADITE," a female harpy like creature with the tail of a sea horse and man-sized bat wings, enabling it to fly. The screaming beast swoops down towards the warriors and horses. High above, the distant shapes of other Winged Deadites circle. 681P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 681P WARRIORS AND HORSES FOR SWOOP SHOT 682 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 682 (STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN) CLOSE SHOT - WINGED DEADITE She lets out a screaming banshee laugh, while swooping down. 682P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 682P EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DAY 683 WINGED DEADITE'S POV 683 (UNDERCRANKED) - CRANE - WIND FAN As we swoop down toward the warriors and Ash. 683A OMIT 683A 683AP OMIT 683AP 684 OMIT 684 684P OMIT 684P 685 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 685 MED. SHOT - ASH AND WARRIORS As he springs to his feet. With a lightning thrust he reaches behind him. 686 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 686 As he grabs at the gun from its holster. He swings it around front and pulls the trigger. 687 CLOSE SHOT - GUN BARREL - UNDERCRANKED 687 It discharges flame. 688 CLOSE SHOT - DUMMY HEAD OF DEADITE BLOOD SQUIB 688 OVERCRANKED - STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN It explodes. 688P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL 688P EXT. KANDAR SKY 689 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 689 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) WIDE SHOT - WINGED DEADITE The beast continues to flap its wings and fly about a moment before falling to a heap in the dust. 689P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 689P WARRIORS 690 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 690 CLOSE SHOT - WARRIOR #1 As he looks to Ash. 691 MED. SHOT - WARRIORS 691 They follow his gaze. The CAMERA PANS TO Ash. He stands alone on a small pile of rubble clutching his smoldering shotgun. He looks about dazedly. He tries to get his bearings. 692 WIDE SHOT - WARRIORS 692 They falter. Unsure of how to react to this strange man, who a moment before was pronounced a Deadite. From the crowd, the Warrior #1 calls out: WARRIOR #1 Hail he, who has come from the sky, to deliver us from the terrors of the deadites! WARRIOR #4 Hail! WARRIOR #5 Hail! The cry is taken up by all. A line of medieval warriors bow. Then twenty. Then fifty. All remove their helmets and kneel silently in the dust. Somewhere in the distance a DRUM SOUNDS. Ash stands frozen. Terrified, unsure of where or when he is. Knowing only for the present, he is alive. As the wind kicks up blowing dust, Ash strikes a familiar pose. It is the same image of the "Hero from the Sky" that we saw earlier in the film. The strange "jagged edged longsword" is Ash's chainsaw. The CAMERA PULLS BACK from him as a great medieval castle rears up INTO FRAME. It is seen to be the castle of Kandar. The same castle we saw in the beginning of the film. Now, however, the castle is not a ruin, but brand new. As the CAMERA continues to pull back from Ash, the title "EVIL DEAD" appears on the screen acompanied by the distant ROAR of some dying animal: The SCREEN cuts to BLACK WITH A THUNDEROUS BOOM. THE END
EXTRACT Written by Mike Judge March 2008 BEGIN CREDITS: EXT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - DAY An idyllic American factory. There's a huge, long lawn in front. A Reynolds Extract sign in brick with flowers/landscaping around it, sits near the entrance. We see from the number of cars in the parking lot that it's a company of about 50 - 75 employees. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - DAY We are in a manufacturing area of an assembly-line production. It's a big room full of intricate machines, huge vats of different colored extract and other food flavoring products, conveyor belts, bottling machines, etc. It has a high ceiling with offices on the second floor that have big windows overlooking this manufacturing area. We PAN up to the main office. INSIDE THE OFFICE JOEL REYNOLDS, head of the company, mid-thirties, is on the phone with his friend DEAN. DEAN (v.o.) You should come by tonight. Half price well drinks while the game's going. JOEL You always give me free drinks though. DEAN (v.o.) Oh yeah. Well come by anyway. JOEL Yeah?... Might as well. No action going on at my house, that's for sure. DEAN (v.o.) Really? The wife out of town? JOEL No... I just haven't been laid in a month. 2. DEAN (v.o.) You guys having problems or something? JOEL No. This is pretty much normal these days... As CREDITS continue, camera PULLS OUT, back down to the manufacturing area, past a big vat of orange extract, down through various stages of assembly line production, then follows several bottles of orange extract moving past HECTOR, a Mexican immigrant employee in his thirties. The camera stops on him. Talking to Hector is STEP, a short, beady-eyed Charles-Manson-looking guy with a beard and mustache. Step is in his forties. He makes everything he says sound as macho and important as possible. STEP You get this job through Manpower? HECTOR Yeah. STEP I started here with Manpower too. Started out on the line just like you. (DEAD-SERIOUS) Only I did better... 40 crates a day. Beat. Hector is not quite sure what he's talking about. STEP continues telling his tale in such a way that the only polite reaction would be one of total amazement. STEP (CONT'D) I'm the best sorter in here. That's why they made me full time with benefits. I'll probably be floor manager this year. A FEW FEET AWAY we see RORY, a stocky indie-rock geek, with too many tatoos, hair shaved on the side with a ponytail, lots of bad piercings, wearing baggy shorts with lots of pockets and some kind of gothy T-shirt -- a look that ought to be out of style by now. 3. Rory is putting stickers on boxes with a sticker gun. He flips the sticker gun around unnecessarily between each application, adding a few unnecessary moves/motions, slapping each box when he's done, generally making the activity look like more of a skill than it actually is. He approaches Step and Hector, pulling out some fliers from his many pockets. RORY (hands them each a flier) My band's playing this Friday, come check us out. Hector looks down at the flier. It's xeroxed with fifties clip-art, cut out letters and the name of the band, "God's Cock". Hector just looks at it confused, not knowing much English, not sure what he's supposed to be doing with the flier. AT THE END OF THE LINE, where boxes are loaded onto pallets, sits MARY, 58 years old, wearing a 15-year-old pair of acid- wash jeans, and an oversized tweety-bird T-shirt, fanny pack, and dayglow yellow triangle-shaped earrings. She's pear- shaped with short hair. She's bitter and bossy, always shaking her head at everyone. She sits on a stool with a clipboard, looks over her glasses at Hector, shaking her head. She talks to Gabriella, a Hispanic woman in her forties. MARY You see that... That new guy. He's holding us up. It's not my job to tell them to hold the line either. GABRIELLA And then Joel's gonna come yell at us, cuz he's not doing his job. MARY (folds her arms, fed up) I'm just gonna sit here. GABRIELLA You're not gonna shut it off? MARY I'm not gonna hold the line. If they're not gonna do their job, why should I do mine. Mary sits there, arms folded, lips pursed, refusing to pause the conveyor belt. 4. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Joel is still on the phone with Dean. JOEL If I don't get home before about 8:00, she puts on the sweatpants and once the sweatpants are on, it's over -- I get nothing. (notices something down BELOW) Shit. I'm gonna have to call you back. Joel hangs up and runs downstairs. ON THE MANUFACTURING FLOOR: Boxes start to accumulate and fall off the end of the line. Step sees this, runs to shut off the line, yelling at Mary. STEP What are you doing?! MARY What are YOU doing?! (pointing at Hector) What is he doing? A YELLING/BICKERING MATCH breaks out between Mary, Step, Rory and Gabriella. Joel runs over, shuts off the conveyor belt. JOEL (CONT'D) All right. Now, what's the problem? They all erupt in more BICKERING AND FINGER POINTING. JOEL (CONT'D) Okay! Okay, everyone settle down. Now Mary. Hector here is new okay? It's gonna take him a couple of days, maybe his English isn't so good. You gotta be patient. STEP That's what I was tryin' to say. JOEL And Step, if you wanna be Floor Manager, this is the kind of thing you're going to have to deal with. 5. STEP (KISS-ASS) Exactly. JOEL Okay, now Step, Rory, Hector, let's get this cleaned up, and get rolling again. We can't afford to fall behind today. Joel walks away. People resume their posts. Mary starts right back up with Gabriella. MARY You see that? We always get the blame. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER Joel sits in his swivel chair, looking down at the production floor, shaking his head. BRIAN, Joel's second in command, walks in. He's a little older than Joel, neatly trimmed beard, aviator glasses, and a bit of a gut. He wears a Reynold's Extract golf shirt and Khaki pants. He walks over to the window, joins Joel, looking down at the employees. JOEL Jesus... They're like a bunch of goddamned children. BRIAN Tell me about it. Sorry I missed the drama; I was showing boy-genius down there how to back up a forklift. ANGLE ON Rory, driving the forklift, handing out a flier as he passes someone. BRIAN (CONT'D) That's his whole career, driving that damn forklift. You'd think he'd wanna learn how. JOEL Well, I guess he's got that band he's in too... BRIAN (disgust at the word "BAND") "Band", ugh... (MORE) 6. BRIAN (CONT'D) I'll bet dollars to donuts he sucks at that too. Then you got ah... (tries to remember her name but can't) Dinkus down there... JOEL Who, Mary? BRIAN No, the other one -- what's-her- face -- she asked me -- or rather "axed" me -- for more personal days. Just like that. I told her maybe if she figures out how to fill out the time sheets correctly I'll give her more personal days... (Off Joel's look) Don't worry, she will never fill out her time sheets correctly. Joel looks down at the production floor. Joel's POV: ANGLE ON: Mary and Step bickering. Step walks off. Mary and Gabrielle shaking their heads and yapping like a couple of old hens. JOEL (O.S.) Look at 'em... I am so sick of baby sitting these assholes. (looks at his watch) I better get going... Joel leaves in a hurry, mumbling something about "sweatpants." INT. JOEL'S CAR - LATE AFTERNOON Joel drives home, in a hurry, checking his dashboard clock. It's an upscale neighborhood of McMansions in a town like Lincoln Nebraska. He turns a corner, slows down suddenly when he sees something. JOEL'S POV: NATHAN, a middle-aged, overweight, annoying guy is going out to the street to get his mail. JOEL (to himself, praying) Please go back inside... Please just turn around.. .Come on...don't notice me... 7. It's too late. Nathan turns, sees Joel's car and waves, then crosses the street to Joel's driveway and waits to talk to him. JOEL (TO HIMSELF) Shit! Joel pulls into his driveway as Nathan flags him down. Joel begrudgingly rolls down the passenger side window so Nathan can talk to him. NATHAN Hi there Joel! Glad I caught ya... Nathan settles in like he's going to be there a while, leaning with his arms folded, hanging inside the car, trapping Joel. NATHAN How've ya been? I left you a message last week. I don't know if you got it or not. JOEL Yeah, actually Nathan, I'm kind of in a hurry here. NATHAN Oh yeah? You been busy? JOEL Yeah, in fact... (checks his watch) I should go right now actually. I gotta call the office before they leave. NATHAN Well, real quick while I got ya here -- what're you guys doing November 17th? JOEL Ah, I don't ah... (realizes his should fake IT) Actually we're going to be out of town that weekend. NATHAN Oh yeah? Where you going? 8. JOEL Ah... NATHAN Oh, wait a minute -- I'm sorry, I meant the 7th. Yeah, November 7th. You'll be in town then right? JOEL (DEFEATED) Ah...Yeah. NATHAN Great. There's this dinner Leslie and I are going to. It's an annual thing -- we do it every year with the Rotary Club -- it's for charity. It's just a whole lot of fun, and we wanted to invite you and Suzie to be our guests at our table. It's-- JOEL I'm sorry, I ah... I just don't think that's something we're gonna want to do. NATHAN Really? Why not? It's a lot of fun. JOEL Oh, I don't know. Suzie doesn't really like going to stuff like THAT-- NATHAN Why not? JOEL Well, we wouldn't know anybody there. She get's kind of uncomfortable. NATHAN Oh no -- It's not like that. She won't be uncomfortable. I guarantee it. No, it's not like that at all. It's not formal or anything. Trust me. It's just a real loose bunch. 9. JOEL I just don't... NATHAN I tell you what. Why don't we do this -- I'll go ahead and get tickets, since they're gonna sell out fast. You talk to Suzie. See what she says. Like I say, she won't be uncomfortable at all. Maybe I'll have Leslie give her a call -- you know how it is when the wives talk, heh heh-- Joel is about to snap. JOEL Um, why don't we talk about this later. (looks at his watch) I gotta make this call before they leave. Joel pulls away, forcing Nathan to raise off the window sill. JOEL (CONT'D) (CALLING BACK) Sorry... I just gotta make this call! INT. JOEL'S GARAGE - CONTINUOUS Joel pulls the car in, steps out and is shocked to see Nathan right there in his garage. NATHAN Sorry, I almost forgot -- the tickets are forty dollars a plate. I know that's a little steep, but the food is fantastic and it's for a good cause. So that'd be eighty dollars total. There's no tax or anything. JOEL Ah, look Nathan, I really gotta get inside and make this call. Let's talk about this another time. Joel has his finger on the button to shut the garage door, waiting for Nathan to get out. Nathan stops, just inside. 10. NATHAN Oh, and if you need us to look out for the house or anything when you go out of town -- Joel's finger still on the garage door button. NATHAN Well, just let us know. Where you guys going anyway? JOEL (BULLSHITTING) Ah, just sort of a vacation. Look, I gotta run. Joel hits the button and the door starts going down. NATHAN Alright then. We'll see ya. Nathan finally steps out of the garage. Joel breaths a huge sigh of relief. Then, ANGLE ON THE GARAGE DOOR: As it gets halfway down, we see Nathan's legs, heading back towards the door. Nathan leans down into frame as the door goes down. NATHAN Oh, Joel one more thing-- Joel lets the door shut on him, and bolts into the house. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - EVENING Joel walks into the living room just as his wife, SUZIE, enters from the bedroom pulling on her SWEATPANTS. A look of disappointment on Joel's face. Suzie is a decent looking woman, about Joel's age. JOEL Man, that Nathan won't shut up. SUZIE Yeah, what an asshole. I don't even go into the front yard anymore. That wife of his is even worse. 11. Suzie plops down on the couch looking tired and pissed off. Joel sits down next to her. SUZIE (CONT'D) We gotta get a new pool cleaner.I don't think that asshole checked the chlorine levels again like I asked him too... Joel puts his arm around her, caresses her shoulder. She doesn't seem to notice as he starts getting fresh. SUZIE (CONT'D) .and every time he is here, he goes on and on about some problem with the goddamn filter, and I have no idea what he's talking about... Delayed reaction -- she notices Joel is getting frisky. He gets closer, starts kissing her neck. SUZIE (CONT'D) (UNCOMFORTABLE) Ah,...Joel? JOEL What? SUZIE I'm sorry. It's just... I'm a little tired, and, I don't know, it's the middle of the week... JOEL It's not the middle of the week. It's Monday. Why can't-- SUZIE Monday? (Freezes, suddenly REALIZING SOMETHING) Oh shit! JOEL (WORRIED) What?! SUZIE Idol! Suzie jumps up with newfound energy, runs for the remote and turns on the TV. Joel just sits there. 12. Suzie plops down in a Barcalounger. SUZIE (CONT'D) Sorry honey. Maybe this weekend. Joel leaves the room. INT. JOEL'S BATHROOM -- LATER [Quick scene of Joel trying to masturbate (off screen of course), but he's too distracted by the sounds of a bad out- of-tune Idol audition blaring through the wall.] EXT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT Establishing shot. A sports bar that's part of a Holiday Inn. INT. SCOREBOARDS -- CONTINUOUS Joel sits at the bar. DEAN, the owner of the bar, late forties, and an old friend of Joel's, sits behind the bar on a stool. JOEL I gotta get a house with a bathroom that's doesn't share a wall with the TV. DEAN Why don't you do that in another bathroom. You've got three of 'em. JOEL It would look suspicious. We never use those other bathrooms... Maybe if I had some insulation put in... DEAN Insulation?... All I know is, you shouldn't move man; you've got a nice house. I mean you've got the American dream really -- you own your own company. I can't believe you used to bar back for me here, and now you've got all that. JOEL But what do I have really? It's a big pain in the ass. (MORE) 13. JOEL (CONT'D) I'm always working; can't stop or the whole place will fall apart. And what good does it do me anyway? I don't get laid. That stock guy with the shitty band that works for me probably gets laid more than I do. DEAN (trying to help) Yeah, but he probably lives in a crappy apartment. JOEL Hell, I'd move into a crappy apartment if the bathroom wasn't right next to the TV. INT. MUSIC STORE - DAY CINDY, a girl in her early twenties, is at the counter looking at a new Gibson hollow-body electric guitar -- one of the really nice ones. The price tag says $3,950. She's beautiful and sexy and all that, but there's something vulnerable and sweet about her as well. Two SALESMEN, typical music store employees -- long-haired, goateed, nerdy cocky guitar-hacks are giving her way too much attention. It's clear that they don't usually have women this hot in their store. They practically stumble over each other trying to help her. SALESMAN #1 Yeah, it's expensive but it's sweet... Are you familiar with the Gibson humbucking pickups? CINDY No, sorry. I don't play. It's for my Dad actually -- for his fiftieth birthday. My sisters and I are all pitching in. SALESMAN #2 Ah, that's nice... Your Dad would love these humbuckings. They really kick ass. An annoyed MALE CUSTOMER has been waiting behind Cindy, trying to get some help, but he might as well be invisible. He tries to address Salesman #2, off to the side. 14. MALE CUSTOMER Excuse me... I just have a quick question... Salesman #2 is oblivious, never takes his eyes off Cindy. SALESMAN #2 (OBLIVIOUS) So, what kind of music did he play? Both Salesmen's eyes are glued to Cindy as Male Customer finally gets sick of waiting and storms off into the keyboard room. CINDY I think he played like, jazz or something. I'm not sure. SALESMAN #2 Well this is an excellent jazz guitar. It's what Pat Metheny plays. SALESMAN #1 Is your Dad into Metheny at all? CINDY Oh, I don't know who that is. Sorry. SALESMAN #2 He's like, a totally kickass fusion guitarist. Are you into fusion? CINDY I don't really know much about it... SALESMAN #2 I play fusion guitar so... Just curious. CINDY Um, do they come in any other colors? SALESMAN #1 You mean different finishes? There's a sunburst finish we might have in stock. 15. SALESMAN #2 Yeah, do you wanna see it? I'll go get it. SALESMAN #1 Or I could go. Whatever. CINDY Are you sure? SALESMAN #1/SALESMAN #2 Oh totally./ No prob!/ I'll show you the case it comes with too. The salesmen practically trip over each other, going into the back to find the other guitar. Cindy stands there alone for a beat. She looks around. Then casually picks up the four-thousand dollar guitar and walks out the front door with it. EXT. MUSIC STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Cindy walks a few yards over to her car, a ' 92 Tercel, puts the guitar in the trunk, gets in and takes off. INT. MUSIC STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION The two Salesmen return -- one carrying the sunburst-finish guitar and the other with the hard-shell case. They look around, notice she's gone. They stand there for a beat, disappointed, before they realize what just happened. SALESMAN #1 Oh shit!... (FRANTICALLY LOOKING AROUND) THE GIBSON! They run out the front door, but Cindy is long gone. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - DAY Joel is at his desk. Brian comes in, excited. BRIAN You're not gonna believe this. Remember the guy from General Mills that called a while back? Talking like he wanted to buy us out? 16. JOEL I thought you said he wasn't serious; he was just sniffing around. BRIAN Yeah, well he's serious now. He just made an offer -- I mean a real offer this time. JOEL You're kidding. BRIAN No. It must be part of some bigger strategic move, because it's over market value I think. JOEL Wow... Joel lets it sink in. He walks over to the window, looking down on the production floor. JOEL I could unload all this... I could probably retire... BRIAN I mean, yeah, there's a lot of details to work out, but this could be great. They'll be calling back next week, what should I tell them? Joel looks down, sees Mary sitting with her arms folded, shaking her head. JOEL Tell 'em hell yes. INT. MANUFACTURING FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Mary sits with her arms folded, refusing to hold the line. MARY I already warned him. This is the last time. I'm just gonna sit here. In SLOW MOTION, we see: 17. - The first box falls off the end of the assembly line, bottles shatter. - Rory, carrying some boxes slips on the broken bottles of goopey extract, falls and slides into an aisle. - A forklift stops suddenly to avoid hitting Rory, causing a huge stack of pallets to fall off. - Quick shot of Mary shaking her head in slow-motion. - Just as Step rounds a corner to see what's going on, the pallets land on a bunch of pipes and high-pressure valves which burst open sending a piece of shrapnel flying across the room heading straight for - STEP'S CROTCH. The shrapnel heads straight for his genitalia, as we CUT TO: EXT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - DAY Step is on a stretcher being loaded into a MEDIVAC helicopter by a couple of EMS guys. Step moans in pain as Joel tries to comfort him. A small crowd of employees watch. ANGLE ON Mary in the crowd, shaking her head. MARY I knew it. That's what happens when you don't pay attention. INT. SCOREBOARDS -- LATER Joel sits at the bar, on a cell phone. Dean sits behind the bar on a stool. JOEL (to the person on the PHONE) Uh-huh... Alright. Let me know if you hear anything else. He hangs up, talks to Dean. JOEL (CONT'D) Well, he's definitely lost one of 'em. They think they might be able to re-attach the other one, but they're not sure. 18. DEAN (shaking his head) Wow... JOEL Yeah... I'm not sure how it happened, but we have a great safety record and we comply with all the safety codes so... it was just a freak accident. There'll be an investigation of some kind I'm sure. DEAN Well, you have insurance for that kind of thing, right? JOEL Oh yeah. Of course. In fact, he'll probably get a huge settlement. DEAN Yeah. I would think so. I mean, it's your balls... Beat, as they contemplate the profundity of it. JOEL Boy it really makes you stop and think about how fragile we are -- especially our balls. They're just hanging there in a little sack between our legs. At any moment they could be cut off forever. DEAN Yeah. And your balls are really important man. Your balls are everything. What kind of life would you have with no testicles? Can you imagine that shit? JOEL Yeah... Beat. JOEL (CONT'D) You know Dean, my life wouldn't be much different than it is now actually. (MORE) 19. JOEL (CONT'D) Except for once every three months when I have sex with my wife. In fact, I might even be better off... DEAN Wait. Three months? I thought you said it was once a month. JOEL I did? I must've been lying. I don't know... Maybe things'll get better when I sell the company. I'll be around more... DEAN Well, I hope so. That would suck... I get laid all the time. (off Joel's reaction) Sorry. JOEL Ah, it's all right... (THINKS) Actually, it sucks. DEAN Yeah, sexual frustration is bad news... You know what you oughtta do? JOEL What? DEAN Get some Xanax. JOEL Xanax? Isn't that for anxiety? DEAN Yeah it is, but I find it's good for just about any phsychological problem. I mean, basically it just makes you feel good, so it sort of works for anything. I even take it when I have a cold. It's probably great for sexual frustration. Want me to get you some? JOEL No. 20. DEAN You know what else is good? Codeine cough syrup. JOEL For what? DEAN It's just good. Joel looks at Dean for a beat. JOEL (CONT'D) Are you on something now? DEAN No... Well, I guess I took some Vicodin this morning. But that was just 'cause I was hung-over. EXT. PAWN SHOP - DAY Establishing shot, a pawn shop in a strip mall. Cindy's car parked out in front. INT. PAWN SHOP - CONTINUOUS Cindy is at the counter, the Gibson guitar we saw earlier is in front of her. A PAWN SHOP GUY is counting out money. He pauses, looks around, then speaks sympathetically to her. PAWN SHOP GUY Um, you know, I'm really not supposed to say this... but since this belonged to your father, and since he passed away and all... (QUIETLY) You could probably get a better deal at a music store. CINDY Oh, that's okay. Thanks. But I just kind of wanna get it over with, you know? It's kind of hard for me. PAWN SHOP GUY I understand. He looks around to see if his boss is watching, then counts off a FEW MORE TWENTIES, feeling sorry for her. 21. PAWN SHOP GUY (cont'd) Here. INT. CINDY'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER Cindy puts the money in her wallet, along with a driver's license. CLOSE ON THE WALLET. Cindy shuffles through three or four different driver's licenses. On one, her name says MISTY PATTERSON. It's a Kansas license. She takes another one out from Colorado, with the name CINDY METZLER on it and puts that in front, then puts the wallet away. A newspaper sits on the front seat. Something grabs her attention. ANGLE ON THE NEWSPAPER: We see an article about Step's accident. There's a picture of Step being taken away on the stretcher. Cindy starts reading the article, with growing interest. CINDY'S POV: She scans the article, zeroing in on certain words, ".. .potentially big settlement..." "...no testicles..." "several million dollars" then back to "no testicles" then quickly back and forth several times -- "million dollars" "no testicles" "million dollars" "no testicles" ON CINDY'S FACE - A look of determination. She looks one more time at the name under the picture -- Don "Step" Wilkenson, then zeroes in on the words "Reynold's Extract." She starts the car and speeds away. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Joel sits with Brian. Brian has a clipboard, going over the day's business. BRIAN So obviously Step's not coming back anytime soon. I had to hire a couple temps. Is that okay? JOEL Yeah, sure. How is Step? 22. BRIAN Better. They say he's going home in a couple of days. Speaking of which, the guys at General Mills heard about this whole Step thing. They're worried. If Step decides to sue us -- beyond the insurance settlement -- it could be a serious liability. They don't want to make an offer until this thing has settled. JOEL Really? They think it's that big of a liability? BRIAN Well yeah. Don't you? I mean, think about it. Imagine if you asked a bunch of jurors how much you'd have to pay 'em to cut their balls off? I mean, I wouldn't let someone cut my balls off for a billion dollars. Seriously -- unless there were some kind of really expensive operation that could give you artificial balls or something. Would you? JOEL No, I guess not. BRIAN Anyway, I wouldn't worry. He says he's not going to sue us. Says he (CRUDE IMITATION) "don't want somethin' fer nothin "' and "What's right is right." If we can just get him to sign something to that effect we should be fine. JOEL Boy, Step sure is being mellow about all this. BRIAN Yeah, well I think when you lose your balls it mellows you out. You don't get as pissed off and aggressive about things. I know it's true for horses, and bulls. 23. JOEL Boy, it sure does make you think.. BRIAN Oh, by the way, guess who asked for a raise today? JOEL Who? BRIAN (GESTURES INDISCRIMINATELY to someone downstairs) Dinkus. Can you believe that? JOEL Brian, you call everyone here "Dinkus." I don't know who you're talking about. BRIAN You know, Forklift-Dinkus? JOEL Oh... I thought you call him "boy- genius." BRIAN Yeah, well boy-genius asked for a raise. I said, "are you kidding? You nearly got someone killed last week," and then he blamed it on Dinkus over there. JOEL You know Brian, you really ought to learn the employees' names. BRIAN Well, I was thinking about that, but hey, if this deal goes through next week, I won't have to. It's not like I'm gonna be inviting Dinkus and Boy-Genius over for dinner. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY Joel stands on one side of his office looking down through a long window overlooking the manufacturing area. Dean comes in, walks over to the window, looks down at the production floor with Joel. 24. DEAN Hey man. What's goin' o-- Whoa! DEAN'S POV: It's CINDY, now working down on the floor, on the assembley line. DEAN (CONT'D) Damn! Who's she? Is she new? JOEL Yeah. She's a temp. DEAN She's a tramp? JOEL No a temp. Quit staring. DEAN Damn, she's hot! Way to go. JOEL Hey, I didn't hire her. She came here through Manpower, like everybody else. They just sent her over. DEAN Manpower, huh? Maybe I should give them a call. You don't usually have girls anywhere near that hot working here. What's the deal? JOEL Yeah, I know. I guess it makes sense though if you think about it. Hot girls need a job just as much as anyone else. DEAN (thinks for a second) Do they really?... Huh... You just don't see 'em here. Usually your temps look like winos. And they're guys. JOEL You wanna hear something really weird? DEAN What? 25. JOEL She came on to me. DEAN No way! Really? JOEL Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty sure. I could be wrong, but... DEAN Hey, I'm sure she did. Are you kidding? You could have any girl down there. JOEL I don't know about that. DEAN I'm serious. Dude, you're the big shot here. You're the king of... What do you call that shit you make here again? JOEL Extract. And spray-dried flavoring, and we're branching out INTO-- DEAN Yeah, you're the Extract King man. You could have any girl here. I mean, I wouldn't want most of 'em, but her... Way to go Joel. Dean looks down at manufacturing area, taking it all in. DEAN (CONT'D) So how did she come on to you? JOEL Well, first she started asking me about what happened to Step and all that stuff -- you know, just sort of making conversation? DEAN Yeah. JOEL But it really seemed like she was flirting with me, you know? (MORE) 26. JOEL (CONT'D) Then, she just sort of asked me out... I think. DEAN Really? How? JOEL Well, you see that guy down there by the fork lift? ANGLE ON Rory, the indi-rock guy with tattoos, etc. JOEL (CONT'D) His band is playing somewhere, at some party this weekend, and she asked me if I wanted to go with her. DEAN Wow. So, you gonna do anything about it? JOEL What? No. No way. I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on Suzie... It'd be nice if I got laid at home once in a while though... DEAN (still staring at her) Man, she is fine. You mind if I hit that then? Beat. JOEL Yeah, I do sort of... We see a COMMOTION down on the floor. Mary runs out of the Women's locker room SCREAMING AND YELLING. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT / MANUFACTURING AREA - CONTINUOUS ACTION Mary runs over to where Hector is working, hysterical. MARY My purse is stolen! It's gone! (pointing at Hector) He did it! He stole my purse! 27. Brian runs over and stands between them, trying to calm Mary down, but she keeps ranting. Hector looks confused and worried. BRIAN Now hold on-- MARY I won't hold on! I'll call the cops! HECTOR (confused, frightened) What? I don'... No comprende... BRIAN (HORRIBLE SPANISH) Espera un momento Hector. Tu sabes donde esta su... uh, purse? ANGLE ON CINDY, watching the whole thing-- completely unfazed.Joel rushes in. JOEL Now wait a second. Calm down Mary. How do you know it was stolen? MARY It's gone! That's how. JOEL Well, what did it look like. MARY It was black with a fur, leopard style border... As Mary describes the purse, we CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S CAR - AFTERNOON Cindy sits in her parked car, going through the purse Mary just described. She takes some cash, puts it in her pocket, then finds what she's looking for -- the address book. ANGLE ON ADDRESS BOOK. Cindy turns to the Ws and finds Step Wilkenson. She notes his address. She starts the car and takes off. 28. EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF STEP'S HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER Cindy sits and waits, listening to the radio. It's a very blue-collar neighborhood. She's about three houses away from Step's house, keeping an eye on it. After a beat, Step limps out of the house, walks over to his pickup truck, painfully gets in, and leaves. Cindy starts the car and follows from a distance. INT. GROCERY STORE - A LITTLE LATER Step wheels his shopping cart into one of the checkout lines. He uses the cart as a crutch to help him walk. Cindy gets in line behind him. She only has one item, a bottle of Reynold's Orange Extract. Step notices her. STEP You can go ahead of me if that's all you have. CINDY (SWEETLY) Thank you so much. (holds up extract bottle) I can't believe I'm buying this stuff -- I work at the factory. STEP Really? I work there too. Or, ah, I used to. CINDY Really? You're kidding! I just started there. What's your name? STEP I go by Step. Yeah, I'm the fastest sorter there... As Cindy and Step get to know each other we CUT TO: INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - NIGHT Joel enters the living room. He first sees the sweatpants, then sees Suzie is sound asleep on the couch. He sighs, then turns and leaves. 29. INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT Joel sits at the bar talking to Dean. Joel is drinking some kind of hard liquor, getting a buzz. JOEL I'm sick of it Dean. I'm sick of being turned down in my own house by my own wife. We're turning into one of those brother-sister couples. DEAN Huh...Now that you mention it, you guys kind of look alike too. JOEL (GROSSED OUT) No we don't! DEAN Okay. JOEL (takes a drink) Maybe things will be better after I sell the company... Or maybe it's just going to mean more time to sit around and contemplate not getting laid. Dean nods sympathetically. DEAN What about that girl at work? She still into you? JOEL Yeah... she was really coming on to me. She gave me her phone number and everything. Told me to call her if I wanted to go to that party. Can you believe that? And there's nothing I can do about it, but just be sexually frustrated. DEAN I've got some Xanax if you want it. Like I say, that always works for me. 30. JOEL No thanks... DEAN Well maybe you should call that girl. JOEL No, I can't. I can't cheat on Suzie. I just gotta power through it until I'm so old that I can't get it up anymore. DEAN What about if Suzie cheated on you? JOEL Hmm... I hadn't even thought of that... (BEAT) I wish she would. DEAN You wish she would cheat on you? Wouldn't that bother you? Joel thinks about it. JOEL No. I don't think it would actually. (occuring to him) I guess that's weird huh? DEAN Yeah, it's a little weird. Sort of. JOEL But see, then I could do something about all this sexual frustration, without feeling guilty about it. DEAN Do you think she would cheat on you? JOEL Nah... DEAN You sure? 31. JOEL (CONSIDERS IT) Well, I don't know. Hmm... Maybe if she were really tempted she would. Like if some really studly guy came on to her. DEAN So you're saying she would probably cheat on you if she was put in temptation's way? JOEL Yeah, maybe. DEAN You know what you oughtta do? JOEL (WEARY) I don't wanna do any drugs Dean. DEAN No, no. Check this out -- If you really wish your wife would cheat on you, it's not that hard to make it happen. JOEL How? DEAN Hire a gigolo to have an affair with your wife. JOEL What? DEAN I'm serious. I know a guy. JOEL (INCREDULOUS) You know a gigolo? DEAN Yeah. JOEL How do you know a gigolo? 32. DEAN This guy Brad. He comes in here all the time. He's a friend of Vic's. You could hire him to have an affair with Suzie. JOEL Come on Dean. DEAN Why not? You said you wouldn't care if she cheated on you. Then you'd be free to go out with that Cindy chick and get your ya-yas out -- with no guilt. Problem solved. (proud of himself) Man, what a great idea. Joel just shakes his head at the whole thing. JOEL You know, maybe I will try some of that Xanax. Dean reaches down under the cash register and whips out a little box and pulls out a pill. EXT. LAKE -- SAME TIME Step's truck is parked out at a lake in the country. He and Cindy sit next to each other on the tailgate, looking at the stars, talking. STEP I just believe that what's right is right. CINDY That's right Step, and what's right is for you to send a message. STEP A message? CINDY You need to send a message so that a horrible accident like this never happens to anyone else ever again. That's what's right. And the way you do that is to take them to court. 33. STEP You think? CINDY Yes Step... That's why I called a lawyer for you -- that guy on all the bus stop benches. STEP Joe Adler? (TOUCHED) You did that for me? CINDY Mmm hmm... I just want you to do what's right Step. They start cuddling, kissing. Cindy pulls away. CINDY I'm sorry Step, your doctor said you shouldn't get aroused. STEP No he didn't. CINDY Maybe it was your lawyer, but he talked to your doctor. And your doctor said it's very important not to get aroused until after the trial... I'm sorry. STEP That's okay... You're so good to me Cindy. They start cuddling again. CINDY Look Step, you're getting me turned on, I'm getting you turned on... I better just go. INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- LATER Joel is starting to look really tweaked as the drug-alcohol combination begins to kick in. Dean is examining a pill under the cash register light, trying to read the small print. He looks concerned. 34. DEAN Shit... Do you remember what color that pill I gave you was? JOEL Huh? DEAN Damn. I don't think it was Xanax. I think that might've been Ritalin... Or "Special K." JOEL (feeling the buzz) Ah, who cares? DEAN It's just that, ah, Special K is a horse tranquilizer, kinda has a weird effect when people take it but... well, don't worry about it... You might not want to drink too much more though. JOEL (beginning to slur his SPEECH) You know that thing you were talking about? About the gigolo? DEAN Yeah? JOEL Do you think it would be wrong to do that? I mean morally wrong? DEAN (with full authority) Oh nooo. Definitely not. What could be morally wrong about it? JOEL I don't know... DEAN Look, if she doesn't want to go for it, she doesn't have to. And if she does, then she's the one who sinned, and then it's perfectly morally right for you to go out and boff whoever you want. 35. JOEL (SLURRED SPEECH) Yeah, I guess you're right. I can't think of anything morally wrong about it either. Beat. JOEL And this guy, he's a friend of yours? What's his name? DEAN Brad. You want me to give him a call? JOEL I don't know. It's kinda weird even talking about it. DEAN Look, this is no big deal Joel. I'm serious. JOEL Really? DEAN Yeah. I mean, you can't lose. Just say you're hiring him to come clean the pool or something. See what happens. If she doesn't go for it, then at least you know you're doing the right thing by being faithful. JOEL Yeah, I guess you're right... I don't know. It's crazy. Dean pours Joel another drink. DEAN Look. Have another drink. Think about it... You know what? Why don't I just call Brad and see what he has to say? JOEL Alright. What the hell. Joel takes a big swig of liquor. 36. INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR - BACK OFFICE -- NIGHT Dean and Joel are talking with BRAD, the gigolo. He's young, blonde, super good-looking, but clearly a complete airhead. Joel looks really messed up now. JOEL So it's two-hundred dollars then? BRAD Yeah, two-hundred. DEAN Well yeah, but don't forget, I'm getting ten percent. JOEL What, so you're a pimp now? DEAN (CONDESCENDING CHUCKLE) I don't think they're called "pimps" when it's with male prostitutes, okay. There's some other word for it -- it's not a "john," but it's something like that. Besides, I'm the one who hooked all this up. And don't worry 'cuz it's coming out of Brad's money anyway. JOEL Alright, alright. (TO BRAD) So it's two-hundred dollars then? DEAN Two-hundred and twenty. JOEL Wait a minute-- BRAD Um, I have a question? JOEL Yeah? Brad looks at Joel, deeply concerned. 37. BRAD So like, are you gonna, like, watch or something? JOEL No no no. God no! It's not like that. I won't even be there. I'll be at work. Remember? We already talked about this. Brad looks blank, like he's not getting it. JOEL What you'll do, is come to my house pretending to be the new pool cleaner. Then you simply try to seduce my wife. Okay? If she doesn't respond, you simply clean the pool and leave. That's all. It's that simple. Hold on Brad for a long beat. BRAD So, uh, you're not gonna touch my ass or anything...? JOEL NO! Try to pay attention okay? I will not be there. I will be at work. You come over to my house while I'm not there, posing as the new pool cleaner and then try to seduce her... Brad finally makes a breakthrough. BRAD Oooh, I see. Sorry man. Yeah, yeah. I get it now. You're not even gonna be there... JOEL Yeah, that's right. BRAD Yeah... cool. No problem. This is gonna be great! JOEL Remember, she might not go for it-- Brad starts to get a little too excited. 38. BRAD Yeah, this is gonna be cool! I can hardly wait! Awesome. Hey man, if you know anyone else who needs -- you know -- what I do, like you know, lonely housewives and shit, maybe you could tell 'em about me, you know... Joel looks on with growing concern as Brad can't seem to stop talking. BRAD Cuz like, I figure if I did a few jobs and I was, like, really good? Then maybe they'd tell their friends, you know, and they'd give me a... what do you call those things? DEAN Referrals. BRAD Yeah yeah, those things. Then those women could tell more women and then it'd be like I was, like, uh... branching or.. DEAN Networking. BRAD Yeah, networking! Totally. Then if I got enough of 'em, maybe I could quit my landscaping job and do this full time. That would be awesome! Cause I hate landscaping. I like getting laid a lot better, and my boss is a total dick... EXT. SCOREBOARDS' PARKING LOT -- NIGHT Joel and Dean are at Dean's car, trying to say goodbye to Brad, who still won't shut up. BRAD Like I say, if your wife has any housewife friends who might-- Dean finally puts his foot down. 39. DEAN Okay, you've said that a few times now Brad. Go on to your car. Okay? BRAD Alright. Cool. Like I say-- DEAN Goodnight Brad. BRAD Okay. See you later. Brad finally leaves. DEAN Let me drive you home. You're in no condition to drive. Joel stumbles into Dean's car. JOEL Are you sure about this guy Dean? He acts like he's never done this before. DEAN Oh no. He does it all the time. Don't worry. He just gets a little excited sometimes. He's cool. JOEL I don't know. He sure doesn't seem too bright. DEAN Yeah well, what do you excpect? He's a whore. DISSOLVE TO: INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM - NEXT MORNING A break room with a kitchen. Joel is badly hungover. He looks like he's about to throw up as he reaches into the cupboard above the sink, downs a couple of aspirin, then drops some alka-seltzer in to a glass of water. Cindy comes in. 40. CINDY Looks like you had one of those nights. (FLIRTATIOUS) Where was I? Joel nods, tries to grin and look cool as he takes a sip of his alkaseltzer. Then his eyes go wide, he almost does a spit-take as something suddenly dawns on him... JOEL Oh shit! He runs out of the room. CUT TO: INT. JOEL'S OFFICE Joel grabs the phone and dials frantically. Dean answers. JOEL Dean? DEAN (V.0.) (WAKING UP) Oh, hey Joel. JOEL Thank God you're home. Ah,... did that really happen last night? I mean, did we go through with it -- with that gigolo stuff? DEAN Ah, yeah. As far as I know. JOEL Shit! What was I thinking?! We gotta call it off. Right now. Can you call that guy, Brad? DEAN Okay... JOEL Tell him I'll pay him anyway, whatever, just don't come over. God, what was I thinking?! 41. DEAN Sure, I'll call him. No problem... Oh wait a second. I don't think I have his number. JOEL What? I thought you called him last night. DEAN Yeah, but I got his number from Vic. JOEL Well get it from him again. DEAN Vic doesn't have a phone right now. JOEL Shit! I'll try information. What's Brad's last name? Pause. DEAN Hmm... it's something like,... I think it's a Mexican name. JOEL (LOSING PATIENCE) Mexican?! The guy's got blonde hair and blue eyes! DEAN Yeah, I thought it was weird too -- a guy like that with a Mexican last name... It's like Lopez, or Sanchez or something. Joel looks at his watch. It's 11:15. JOEL Shit! Joel hangs up the phone, and rushes out the door. INT. RECEPTIONIST DESK IN FRONT OF JOEL'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS ACTION Brian walks in. 42. BRIAN (CONCERNED) Joel, we gotta talk. JOEL Not now Brian. BRIAN Ah yeah, it's kind of important -- kind of really important. It's ABOUT STEP- Joel rushes past him. JOEL Not now! We FOLLOW Joel as he rushes past his SECRETARY. SECRETARY Excuse me Joel? There's a Brad Chavez on line one for you. JOEL I can't, I-- Joel stops suddenly. JOEL Who? SECRETARY Brad Chavez. He said he's done with the job you guys talked about at your house? Do you want me to take a message? Joel looks pale. JOEL Um, no... He's the ah, pool cleaner. I better take that. Joel goes back in his office. HOLD on Brian, confused. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Joel stares at the phone for a beat then picks it up. JOEL Hello? 43. BRAD (V.0.) Hey, is this Joel? JOEL Yes. BRAD (V.0.) Hey, it's Brad. Mission accomplished dude. JOEL What do you mean? BRAD (V.0.) I mean it worked. She totally went for it. JOEL What? What're you...? (looks at his watch) You weren't even supposed to be there for another 45 minutes. BRAD (V.0.) Oh really? I forgot what time you guys said, and I was so excited about it, I just went over there. Joel sits down, freaked out. JOEL (reality setting in) So you mean she actually ah... you guys...? BRAD (V.0.) Yup. It was easy. JOEL (AGITATED) Easy? What do you mean "easy"? BRAD (V.0.) Oh, I don't mean easy like she was easy -- like she was a slut or anything. I just mean it wasn't hard to get her to... Never mind. JOEL No. Tell me. Tell me how it happened. (BRACES HIMSELF) I wanna hear everything. 44. BRAD You sure? JOEL Yeah. BRAD (V.0.) Okay. Well, she let me in, so I went back like I was cleaning the pool... EXT. JOEL'S HOUSE - POOL -- DAY As Brad's dopey narration continues, we see the story he's telling. It plays out like a bad soft-porn flick on Cinemax. We see Brad wiping the side of the pool with a rag. BRAD (V.0.) .I don't know anything about pool cleaning, so I was just faking it. She was in her bathing suit... Suzie comes out and lies on one of the reclining chairs. BRAD (V.0.) .So I struck up a conversation... BRAD This is a really nice house. SUZIE Thanks. BRAD Is it your Dad's house? SUZIE No. It's ours. BRAD Wow, you look so young to be living in a house this nice. SUZIE Oh, thanks. Beat. BRAD Do you have any sunscreen? I forgot mine. 45. Brad's dopey narration comes back in... BRAD (V.0.) I thought that was pretty smart of me -- to ask her to borrow sunscreen. See, 'cuz that way, once she gave me some, I could ask her if she wanted some too, and rub some on her back, instead of just coming out and asking her to rub some on her. Pretty smooth huh?... We see Brad rubbing lotion on Suzie's back as she lies face- down on the chair. BRAD (V.0.) Once I was rubbing the sunscreen on her, the rest was easy... We see Brad's hands working their way down Suzie's back. Just as they start to move down towards her butt, Joel interrupts, YANKING US OUT OF THE FLASHBACK. JOEL Okay that's enough! Stop! INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JOEL I don't need to hear anymore. BRAD (V.0.) Okay, cool. Hey, like I say, if you know of anyone else, or if you ever need me to do it again-- JOEL NO! No. Look, I gotta go. Bye. Joel hangs up the phone and falls back into his chair, in a state of shock. JOEL (quietly, to himself) Holy shit. INT. JOEL'S CAR - LATE AFTERNOON Joel drives home from work. He still looks freaked out. He notices something ahead, and suddenly SLAMS ON THE BREAKS. 46. JOEL Dammit ! JOEL'S POV: Nathan, the guy across the street is in his front yard, puttering around with the mail. JOEL (TO HIMSELF) No... not today... Joel puts the car in reverse, starts to pull behind a parked car in an attempt to hide, but Nathan notices him, waves and crosses the street. Joel reluctantly pulls ahead to his driveway. NATHAN How's it goin'? JOEL Oh, I'm kind of busy actually. NATHAN Yeah. Well I won't keep you. I just wanted to let you know, I got those tickets to that dinner we talked about on the 7th. I think I told you they were forty dollars a piece, but it turns out it's a tad more this year -- fifty-five -- so if I could go ahead and just get a check from you guys... JOEL Look, ah, we can't go. Remember? NATHAN No, this is the 7th. You said you're going out of town on the 17th. JOEL Yeah, but remember, I told you we didn't really want to go to this thing. Nathan looks dumbfounded. Joel is about to snap. NATHAN But I already bought the tickets. I know you said something about her feeling uncomfortable, but, like I say, she won't feel uncomfortable at all -- I guarantee it. (MORE) 47 NATHAN (CONT'D) It's just a whole lot of fun. You guys'll have a great time. JOEL Look, I gotta get going. NATHAN Alright then... Joel starts to pull away. NATHAN (CONT'D) Oh, one more thing -- Joel just keeps driving, almost knocking Nathan over. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - EVENING Joel and Suzie are eating dinner. Suzie has a glow about her, looking better than ever -- relaxed, satisfied, etc. Joel's has a quietly pissed off demeanor. They eat in silence for a beat. SUZIE So... How's work? JOEL It sucks. SUZIE Really? What's wrong? JOEL Nothing. Suzie looks a little puzzled. They keep eating in silence for a beat. JOEL I don't feel well. I'm going to bed. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - JOEL'S OFFICE - DAY From the window in his office, Joel watches Cindy working down on the production floor. Cindy looks up, they make eye contact for a brief moment. She gives him a flirtacious wave. Joel waves back. Then Rory comes by, starts talking to Cindy. 48. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT /MANUFACTURING AREA - CONTINOUS CINDY So you're in a band? RORY .Actually, I'm in five bands right now. But Godscock is basically the same four guys as Fighthead, but Fighthead's more of a thrash/skatepunk thing. Godscock is more melodic stuff. Cindy nods politely. Rory thinks she's interested. RORY (CONT'D) So you comin' Friday? CINDY Yeah, definitely. (looks at her watch) Ooh, I gotta go. Dentist appointment. RORY Cool. Cindy leaves. ANGLE ON Mary, on the other side of the room, watching them. She talks to Gabriella. MARY See, there he goes again, slowing us down. (RE: CINDY) Now she's a good sorter. They need to hire more people like her. GABRIELLA She's so nice too. Hector walks by. Mary just shakes her head. MARY I can't believe he's still working here. You know Silvia can't find her wallet. Thinks it was stolen. And guess who was in the locker room last? Hector. They both look at Hector and shake their heads in disgust. 49. MARY You know, I could get a job at Southwest Airlines. My Niece works there. I'd get better benefits than we get here too. GABRIELLE Mmm hmm. I could get a job at Gemco. You think they would put up with this stuff at Gemco? Mmm mmn. They run a tight ship. MARY That's right. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Joel's POV of Mary and Gabrielle, yacking self-righteously. Joel looks on with disgust... JOEL (TO HIMSELF) Good riddance... Brian steps in, taps on the door. BRIAN You got a second? I think we might have a big problem here. I'm not sure what happened, but all of the sudden Step says he doesn't want to settle anymore. I think he might've talked to a lawyer. Joel goes to his desk, sits down. BRIAN Like I say, General Mills isn't going to make their offer official until this settles. Joel considers this. JOEL I think Step is just chest-beating. He does this all the time. He gets all wound up, talks big, then he always backs down. And that's with his balls. 50. INT. PAROLE OFFICE - AFTERNOON It's a bleak looking office with rows of cubicles. We PAN past several cubicles where hardass parole officers meet with their parolees -- various gang-bangers, drug dealers, junkies, a hideous transvestite prostitute, etc. As we pan, each officer is giving them nothing -- "this is your last chance," "You expect me to believe that?", etc. We continue past officers giving them nothing, giving them nothing, ending on a cubicle with Cindy, where a PAROLE OFFICER is giving Cindy everything -- almost apologetic. PAROLE OFFICER I'm sorry to even bring this up, but you're not living with the drug dealer anymore are you? Cindy's parole officer is a sad schlub of a guy, about 50 with bushy grey hair and a mustache, he has a badge and a gun on his belt. CINDY Nope. I'm staying at Extended Stay until I can find a place... She smiles, flirtatiously waves her key/card. CINDY (CONT'D) See? (SINCERE) I really feel like I've turned my life around. Thanks in large part to you. PAROLE OFFICER (ALMOST BLUSHING) It's okay. I'm just glad to see you're doing so well... Ah, one more thing I just need to ask you: We had a little incident up in Templeton a couple weeks back where someone stole an expensive guitar from a music store? Someone who fit your description. You know anything about that? CINDY Huh? No... I was probably at work that day. 51. PAROLE OFFICER Look Cindy, you realize you can't screw up anymore right? I mean, even something minor, and you could go back to jail for a while this time. I'd hate to see that happen. CINDY Well yeah, but why would I steal a guitar? I've got no musical talent. I'm tone deaf. They both laugh. PAROLE OFFICER Heh heh, So am I. I can't carry a tune to save my life. CINDY Really? Wow... Cindy acts fascinated by Parole Officer's lack of musical talent. He happily goes on about it, forgetting about the guitar... PAROLE OFFICER Yeah, I could barely sing the Star Spangled Banner in school... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - PARKING LOT - DAY It's the end of the workday. People walk to their cars. Joel turns a corner and finds Cindy right in front of him. CINDY Hey Mr. Reynolds. JOEL Oh, hey Cindy. You can just call me Joel. CINDY (FLIRTATIOUS) Okay Joel. So you going to the party tonight? JOEL Oh yeah. Right, that's tonight... (AWKWARD) (MORE) 52. JOEL (CON T - D ) Yeah, I was thinking about it. Are you going? CINDY Yeah, definitely. Maybe I'll see you there? JOEL Yeah, I think I'll probably go. CINDY Do you have the directions? JOEL I'm not sure... CINDY Here, I'll write it down just in CASE Cindy opens her purse. We see at least FIVE WALLETS, SEVERAL WATCHES, JEWELRY, etc. She takes out a pen and a piece of pink, girly stationary and starts writing. CINDY (CONT'D) I'll also put my number on here. In case you want to call me some time -- if you want. Joel blushes awkwardly, like a junior high school kid. JOEL Um... Okay. Sure. EXT. JOEL'S HOUSE - EVENING Joel pulls into the driveway and is STARTLED as he practically runs over Nathan, flagging him down. Joel MUTTERS obscenities as he reluctantly stops and rolls down the window. NATHAN Hi there. Almost missed ya. JOEL Hi. I can't talk right now-- NATHAN Hey, I noticed you guys got a new pool cleaner today. How is he? We're thinking of changing services. 53. JOEL Look Nathan, I gotta... Wait, you mean yesterday, don't you? NATHAN Huh? JOEL The new pool cleaner. You saw him yesterday right? Not today. NATHAN No. It was today. The new guy. JOEL What'd he look like? NATHAN Blonde haired kid, about this high, good looking. Real good looking. IN FACT-- JOEL You sure it was today? Not yesterday? NATHAN Yeah. JOEL You're absolutely sure? NATHAN Yeah. I know it was today, because I came home for lunch. I was gone all day yesterday. Anyway, you think I could go ahead and get that check from ya? Like I say, it's 55 dollars a plate, so that'd be 110 total. There's no tax... Nathan leans up to scratch his back. Joel seizes the opportunity and pulls away, burning a little rubber. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Joel is on his cell phone, yelling in hushed tones at Brad. He has the door shut so Suzie won't hear him. JOEL What the hell were you doing at my house today?! 54. BRAD (V.0.) Oh, umm... nothing. JOEL Bullshit! BRAD (V.0.) Look, don't worry about it bro'. I won't charge you for this one. JOEL Won't charge me for...? You had sex with my wife again?! BRAD (V.0.) Well, I figured we already did it once, so what's the big deal? I mean, she said to stop by if I was in the neighborhood, so... Besides, I'm not gonna charge you-- JOEL Not gonna charge...? God damn you! Yes you are gonna charge me! I'm gonna pay you! You're not having sex with my wife for free! And I better not ever catch you anywhere near my house ever again! Joel slams down the phone. Then realizes it's a cell phone, picks it back up and hits the "End" button. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Suzie is asleep on the couch in her sweatpants. Joel walks through, mumbles something about going to a party. INT. JOEL'S CAR -- NIGHT Joel pulls up to the house where the party is going on. He stays in the car, checking it out. Scanning Joel's POV, we see the band, Godscock, playing in the backyard, with Rory on bass. They are set up on the patio of this small two-bedroom suburban house. Most of the people at the party are crowded around the keg, which is on the other side of the backyard, ignoring the band. The band sounds awful -- loud as hell, unmusical, uninspired. The lead singer sings in that awful Eddie Vedder style, but even more loud and overly dramatic. Rory acts all intense, in stark contrast to the non-intensity of the music. 55. They all have that baggy-shorts tattooed mid-nineties look. It's downright pathetic. There's one drunk guy off to the side banging his head, playing air-guitar and stumbling into the bushes. Joel spots Cindy over by the keg, drinking, mingling. He watches her for a beat, then shakes his head and drives away. CUT TO: INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT Joel sits at the bar talking to Dean, drinking a beer. JOEL I can't believe my wife slept with that guy. DEAN Well... I thought you said it wouldn't bother you. JOEL I guess I didn't really think about it long enough... I just wish it hadn't been so easy for him. DEAN Yeah, I'm tellin' ya, chicks really go wild for that Brad... (Off Joel's look) Sorry. JOEL No, you're right. He may be a stupid, dull-witted moron, but he can get any girl he wants. Me, I had to work for it. I had to work hard, get a career going, take Suzie out a bunch of times, marry her. But not Brad. He gets to waltz into my house and have sex with my wife just like that. Oh, and by the way? That little prick was at my house again today. DEAN No shit? What was he doing? JOEL Take a wild guess. 56. DEAN Wow... You pay a guy to do a job, then he comes back and does it for free. JOEL I'm not going to let him do it for free. No way. I'm paying him. DEAN Really? How much? JOEL Oh, I don't know. The same, I guess. Why? DEAN Hmm... So should I get my twenty dollars from Brad then or... Joel shoots Dean an angry look. DEAN (CONT'D) We can worry about that later... Look at the bright side, now you can call Cindy. JOEL I don't know... I feel weird about it. Besides, she's at the party, she probably won't be home 'til late. DEAN You know what you need to do? JOEL (rolling his eyes) I don't wanna do drugs Dean. DEAN Look, I know I joke around a lot, but this time I'm serious. (like a doctor) You should try smoking a little pot. It's just an herb, it heals. Stress can kill you, and-- JOEL I get paranoid when I smoke pot. 57. DEAN Not when you just smoke a little. Come on. You ever meet my friend Willie? Great guy. Really great guy. (as if it's a positive) He's the guy I got that horse tranquilizer from. JOEL Oh, wonderful. INT. WILLIE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT WILLIE loads up some kind of giant three-foot tall bong and inhales a massive bong-load. He's a burly ex-football player type who looks like he might have an extra y-chromosome or two. Joel watches Willie, feeling a little uneasy. Dean pontificates. DEAN I've been reading about it -- they're making technological advances now, coming up with great drugs that can make you happy and won't leave you with a hangover or nothin'. WILLIE (holding in bong-hit) Right on. Willie finally exhales. The exhale seems to go on way longer than humanly possible, endless amounts of pot-smoke billowing out (accomplished with special FX). He finally hands the bong and lighter to Joel. JOEL Oh, I don't know... I'm kind of a light weight. I think that's too much for me-- WILLIE (still holding out the bong and lighter) Bullshit. DEAN Come on Joel. Don't worry, this stuff isn't that strong. (to Willie, re: Joel) (MORE) 58. DEAN (CON T-D) He gets paranoid when he gets too stoned. Joel looks at Willie then at Dean, then takes the bong, partly out of being intimidated by Willie. JOEL Ah, what the hell. Willie instructs Joel on the bong usage in the same condescending way a weight-lifting instructor would. WILLIE Okay, now this is a gravity bong. Have you ever used one before? JOEL Umm, I think... no. WILLIE Okay, pay attention. Put your thumb right here on the carburetor. When I pull the plunger up and say, "let go" I want you to let go and inhale hard. Joel's POV: Looking down the barrel of the three-foot bong with macho-man Willie holding the lighter at the bowl. WILLIE (CONT'D) Okay exhale! JOEL You know, maybe I should just let YOU GUYS-- WILLIE (starting to get scary) Bullshit! EXHALE HARD! Mostly out of fear, Joel exhales. Willie puts the bong up to Joel's face, lights it and starts lifting the plunger. Then pushes it down. WILLIE (CONT'D) Let go! Inhale! NOW! Joel lets go of the carburator, inhales. WILLIE (CONT'D) (INSANE) GO! GO! HARDER!!! 59. Joel inhales with all his might, sucking up massive amounts of thick pot smoke as Willie pushes down the plunger. STONER-RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: WILLIE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT Willie, Dean and Joel sitting around, completely baked -- especially Joel. (We play most of the scene from Joel's stoned, paranoid POV.) Dean makes some kind of barely audible mumble -- or did he? JOEL What? Long pause. DEAN Huh? Joel's POV: looking from Dean to Willie. Willie sits there with red eyes barely open. Willie turns slowly to Joel. WILLIE Huh? JOEL Oh, I thought somebody said something. Willie looks at Joel, stone-faced, adding even further to Joel's paranoia. He stares at Joel for a long beat. Then, in an instant, he's right up in Joel's face. WILLIE BWAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Joel jumps back, scared shitless. Willie starts laughing his ass off. WILLIE Haaaah ha... The look on your face! (INSANE CACKLE) Man you really do get paranoid when you get stoned. JOEL (fake, timid laugh) Yeah, heh heh... 60. DEAN Hey Joel, why don't you call that chick now? JOEL What time is it? WILLIE Time for you to call her and finally get laid man! (handing him the phone) Come on! DEAN It's twelve thirty. She might be back by now. JOEL Alright. Joel gets the phone number out of his pocket. WILLIE So what's this chick look like? JOEL Oh, she's got brown hair. Pretty hot. Kind of working-class looking... WILLIE What do you mean by that? Willie stares at Joel for a beat. Joel can't tell if he's offended Willie or not. JOEL Umm... Oh you know,... WILLIE Is she kind of slutty lookin'? JOEL Yeah... Beat. Joel's not sure if that was the right answer either. WILLIE Alright! That's how I like 'em. 61. JOEL Yeah... (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH) Kinda nasty, heh heh... Joel starts dialing the number. JOEL (CONT'D) I hope I don't wake her up... (LISTENS) It's busy. DEAN Alright. At least you know she's home. JOEL Yeah. WILLIE Try her again. Come on. Joel hits redial. JOEL Still busy... Man, what kind of person doesn't have call-waiting. WILLIE I don't have call-waiting. I hate call-waiting. Every time I hear that goddamn clicking sound, I wanna put my fist through someone's head. Beat. Once again, Joel doesn't know whether to shit or wind his watch. Willie stares at him, then WILLIE Haaa ha! Man you really do get paranoid when you're stoned... Seriously though, I fuckin' hate call-waiting. JOEL (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Yeah... Willie grabs the phone. WILLIE Here let me dial. You're too stoned. 62. Willie grabs the piece of paper with Cindy's number. He looks at it, starts to dial, then pauses, realizing something. Willie looks up at Joel, with slowly building rage, then hangs up the phone. WILLIE I'll tell you why you're getting a busy signal. This is my number. JOEL Huh? But... Beat. JOEL Oh... You're joking right? Trying to make me paranoid? Joel waits for Willie to start cracking up. He doesn't. He just continues glaring at Joel. We hear the FRONT DOOR UNLOCK. Everyone looks. CINDY enters. CINDY Hi. Sorry I'm late, I... (NOTICING JOEL) Joel? What are you doing here...? Willie stands up and walks over to Joel's chair. Dean suddenly stands up. DEAN Well, it looks like you guys got a lot to talk about here so I think I'm just gonna go ahead and take off. Later guys. Dean bolts. Willie moves in closer on Joel. Joel starts to leave, but Willie blocks him. WILLIE Kinda slutty? Willie grabs Joel and throws him against the wall. Joel tries to make a break for the door, but Willie hauls off and punches him across the face. The ass-kicking begins as we CUT TO: 63. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE -- NIGHT Joel limps into the house, his face bruised black and blue from the ass-kicking. He looks awful. As he limps into the bedroom as quietly as possible, he trips on something, waking up Suzie. She turns on a light and sees Joel. SUZIE Oh my God Joel, are you alright? What happened? JOEL I'm fine. I'm fine. I just ah... got my ass kicked. Go back to sleep. SUZIE What? By who? What happened? JOEL It was just... some guy over at Scoreboards. SUZIE Let me drive you to the hospital. You need to get checked out. JOEL No. I'll be fine. I just want to sleep right now, okay? SUZIE You sure you're okay? It looks like your nose is broken, and your EYE-- JOEL (AGITATED) Don't worry about it! People get their asses kicked all the time! It's no big deal. Go back to sleep. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - MORNING Joel walks past his Secretary. 64. SECRETARY Hi Joel. Brian wanted to see you-- (NOTICING) Oh my God, what happened? Joel keeps walking, MUMBLES something about falling down some stairs, goes into his office and shuts the door. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS ACTION Joel walks over to the window overlooking the production area. He looks down and sees Cindy working, with her back turned. Shakes his head. Brian KNOCKS on the door and enters, looking worried. BRIAN Hi... Did you talk to Step yet? JOEL He isn't returning my calls. BRIAN Shit... We've got problems. He did hire a lawyer -- Joe Adler -- he's that personal injury lawyer you see on all the bus-stop benches. You oughtta see this guy. He's a real piece of shi-- (noticing Joel's face) Oh man, what happened to you? JOEL Oh, I fell down some stairs. BRIAN Damn... Well anyway, I hate to say this, but I think we're screwed. There's no way this Adler guy is gonna settle for anything less then bankrupting us. Says he'll sue us into the stone age. JOEL (clutches his head MISERABLE) Shit... I gotta talk to Step. Brian looks at Joel's bruised face. 65. BRIAN Man, everyone's getting hurt. Cindy came in with a black eye today. You hear how she got it? JOEL Ah... no. BRIAN Step did it. Can you believe that? JOEL No he--! (CATCHES HIMSELF) What? Where did you hear that? BRIAN That's what she told Mary. JOEL But... Step? Does he even know her? BRIAN Apparently they've been going out. JOEL What?! BRIAN I know, it's weird. They didn't even meet here. They met at a grocery store or something. Just a total coincidence. Joel looks down at Cindy on the production floor, his mind reeling. BRIAN Anyway, we're gonna have to hire a couple of new people because CINDY'S QUITTING-- JOEL Really? BRIAN Yep. And if it's okay with you, I'd like to go ahead and fire Hector. JOEL Fire Hector? What for? 66. BRIAN You know, Mary's purse? Sylvia's wallet? It's gotta be him. Who else could it be? Joel looks down at Cindy with growing suspicion. JOEL No. Don't fire him. Just trust me on this. Give him another week. If anything else is stolen, then you can fire him. BRIAN (PUZZLED) Alright. If you say so. Brian looks Joel over. BRIAN (CONT'D) Man, are you okay? Have you seen a doctor? Joel's Secretary BEEPS in. SECRATARY (V.0.) Joel, Dean is on line one for you. JOEL Okay, thanks. (TO BRIAN) I better get this. Brian leaves. JOEL (CONT'D) Hello. DEAN Hey man. Sorry I bailed on you like that last night. It's just that I don't like to get involved in other people's personal shit, you know what I mean? JOEL Uh-huh. DEAN I didn't even know Willie had a girlfriend. She must be new. Man, Willie looked pissed. (CHUCKLES) (MORE) 67. DEAN (CON T'D) I thought he was gonna take a swing at you there for a second. JOEL He did take a swing at me Dean. Several swings. In fact, he beat the living shit out of me. DEAN Whoa, really? JOEL Yes. DEAN Wow. Man, that really goes to show you -- this town is smaller than you think. You really gotta be careful. Joel hangs up and walks out of his office, past his Secretary. JOEL I'm not feeling well. I'm going to go home early. INT. JOEL'S CAR -- DAY Joel turns the corner to his house and does a double-take as he sees BRAD'S TRUCK going the opposite direction. JOEL Shit! Joel slams on the brakes, turns around, chases Brad's truck down and cuts him off, forcing him to stop. They both get out of their vehicles. Joel is livid. JOEL What the hell were you doing on my street again?! BRAD Dude, you weren't supposed to be home for another four hours-- Whoa, what happened to your face? JOEL (trying to improvise a tough, snappy comeback, but can't quite make it WORK) (MORE) 68. JOEL (CONT'D) The same thing that's gonna happen.. Your face is gonna look worse if... GOD DAMMIT! If I ever catch you anywhere near my house or my wife again, I'll have you arrested. BRAD For what? Suzie let me in. Joel is stumped -- Brad actually has a point. JOEL What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Do you do this with all your clients -- just keep coming back and hanging around? BRAD I don't know. This is my first one. JOEL What?! I thought you were a professional! BRAD Look man, I know she's your wife an' shit, but you might as well know -- I think we're in love. JOEL In love?! (COMING UNGLUED) HA! Man are you stupid. You are so goddamn dumb. You think she loves you? You're nothing but a piece of ass to her. That's all. BRAD I don't think so dude. JOEL Oh, you don't think so "dude?" Well did you ever think about this: she doesn't even know that I paid you to have sex with her -- did that cross your small mind? BRAD Uuh.. 69. JOEL How about I go home right now and tell her? Tell her you did it for the money. How about that loverboy? Brad suddenly looks worried. This really freaks him out. BRAD You wouldn't do that. JOEL You don't think so? Watch me. BRAD (realizing he's serious) No... Dude, please don't. Please? Joel starts back to his car. BRAD Look man, we really have a special thing going on. Please don't mess it up... Joel stops. JOEL Don't mess it up?! You're talking about my wife! My house! Stupid- ass! Joel gets in his car and starts it. BRAD (calls out to him) Dude, you can't do this to me. JOEL Oh yes I can... Joel peels out, drives half a block and turns into his driveway. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Joel walks in, still pissed off. Suzie is sitting on the couch, a little surprised to see him. SUZIE Oh hi. You're home early. 70. JOEL (COLD) Hi. Joel walks over to the sliding glass door, looks outside at the pool. It's filthy. JOEL So how was that new pool cleaner? Suzie is caught off guard -- wonders if she's busted -- but she plays it cool. SUZIE Um... What do you mean? JOEL What do you think I mean?... Did he do a good job cleaning the pool? SUZIE Ah... well-- JOEL Did he get all the... leaves? It doesn't really look that clean. I mean I'm looking at it, and I'd say it's pretty goddamn filthy. Did the guy even clean it at all? It sure doesn't look like it. SUZIE (NERVOUS) Well yeah, I guess he didn't do a very good job. JOEL I think he did a horrible job. I don't think we should use him anymore. SUZIE Okay. JOEL Okay. Suzie watches Joel leave, a slight look of guilt on her face. SUZIE Are you all right, Joel? You want an aspirin or anything? 71. JOEL No. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Quick shot of Joel staring up at the ceiling shaking his head, can't believe all this. EXT. STEP'S HOUSE -- NEXT DAY In a WIDE SHOT we see Joel's car is parked on the street. He walks up and rings the doorbell. We see Step answer, talk to him and then invite him in. INT. STEP'S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Step and Joel enter. Step's 300 POUND HALF-BROTHER sits on a ratty couch watching TV, drinking a huge plastic bottle of Pepsi. He looks like he's been sitting there for years. The TV is deafeningly loud. STEP Wow, I don't think you've ever been to my house before. Have you? JOEL (talking above the TV) Yeah, I don't think so. I would've remembered... STEP This is my half brother Phil. Joel starts to motion "don't get up," then realizes that's not happening anyway. Phil nods. JOEL Hi... Hey Step, can we talk in another room. STEP Sure, let's go out back. EXT. STEP'S HOUSE - BACK YARD -- A LITTLE LATER Joel and Step sit at a picnic table. 72. STEP You know, my lawyer told me not to talk to you. (BEAT) You're not here to try to talk me out of suing are you? JOEL Oh, no... No, I'm just kind of curious about... ah... So you've been going out with Cindy, huh? STEP Yes sir. She's my girlfriend. We might even get married after all this lawsuit-settlement stuff gets worked out. JOEL .so some of the guys at work are saying you gave Cindy that black eye. STEP What? That ain't true at all. JOEL Yeah, I know it's not. STEP She got it from falling down some stairs. JOEL Hmm... Look, you might wanna be careful with Cindy. STEP (DEFENSIVE) What do you mean? JOEL Well, I'm not sure how to put this, but... You know, you got a lot of money coming your way with this settlement. You might wanna be CAREFUL-- STEP Oh no. No, she didn't even know about that 'til after we started going out. 73. JOEL You sure about that? STEP Oh yeah. I didn't tell her about it for a while 'cuz I was kind of embarrassed, you know? You don't tell a girl you just met that you lost one of your balls. Especially a girl as hot as Cindy. JOEL Yeah... (DELICATELY) You know she lives with this guy Willie right? STEP That's her ex. She broke up with him. She's gonna move out. She just needs to get all her stuff outta there. JOEL You sure about that? STEP Oh yeah. She's moving in with me. JOEL Oh. Hmm... STEP Look, I know Cindy's got some problems, but she means well. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. JOEL Well, okay... If you say so. Another thing -- you just might want to watch your back. Some of the guys at work who think you gave Cindy the black eye were talking about paying you a visit -- you know, getting even. STEP Oh. Well I'm not worried about that. (dead-serious, proud) I could kick anyone's ass at that whole company. 74. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - DAY Brad and Suzie are by the pool which is filthy. Brad starts coming on to Suzie. She pushes him away. SUZIE No Brad, we can't. I'm sorry, but we have to stop doing this. BRAD Why? SUZIE It's not right. I feel horrible. Besides, I think Joel's getting suspicious. And you gotta start cleaning the pool too. BRAD But I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I've been with a lot of chicks. SUZIE (TURNED OFF) Uh-huh... Look Brad, the truth is I love my husband. I really do. This was all a big mistake. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me, but we have to stop this. I want to make my marriage work again. I'm going to tell Joel about the whole thing and just hope he forgives me. And even if he doesn't, at least I won't be carrying around this horrible feeling. I just can't stand that he doesn't know. BRAD Uh... This doesn't mean we can't still see each other though, right? SUZIE Ah, yes it does. BRAD Why? SUZIE Because of all the things I just said. (MORE) 75 SUZIE (CONT'D) (PATIENTLY) Do you need me to say them again? BRAD Can I see you tomorrow? SUZIE No. BRAD (PLEADING) How about next week? SUZIE No. Look, you gotta go Brad. Joel could be home any second. BRAD I'll call you tomorrow. SUZIE (just trying to get rid of HIM) Okay. Okay, just go and we'll talk later. Brad leans to kiss her, she pushed him away and he finally leaves. SUZIE (TO HERSELF) God, what a moron. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - DAY Joel sits deep in his chair, bummed out, staring down at the manufacturing area. Brian walks in. BRIAN So... you ready? JOEL Huh? BRIAN The meeting with Step's lawyer. Or lawyers I should say. It's today remember? JOEL Oh shit... Alright. Joel drags himself out of the chair. 76. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - CONFRENCE ROOM - DAY JOE ADLER, is holding court with the various lawyers and paralegals waiting for the meeting to start. As promised, he is awful. He looks like Henry Winkler with an extra Y chromosome and a lot of steroids. (Maybe cast Gene Simmons with his hair pulled back in a pony tail.) ADLER .You see, if both his balls had been knocked clean off, he would be a good case, but not a great case: A man with no balls is no man at all. He's a freak. He's barely human. He's gross. And a jury will never feel like they can walk in the shoes of a ball-less, neutered, he/she freak. But Step. He's still got one ball - barely. He's still a man. A man who's very manhood has been jeopardized, but still a man. And that manhood, that very sense of what you are as a human being is hanging by a thread. Jesus, you can't get more dramatic than that. That brave ball, hanging on for dear life, hanging on for justice, is going to be the hero of this trial. I'm tellin' ya this Step guy is the fuckin' Holy Grail, the Powerball Jackpot. And you all laughed at me when I bought those bus bench ads. But I knew the asses of those poor slobs that sit on those benches and ride those sweaty, stinking, cattle cars are our future. And I -- Joel and Brian walk in. ADLER Oh, hello. I'm Joe Adler... Everybody starts introducing each other. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM - DAY A bunch of employees including Mary, Garielle, and Rory are talking, getting worked up. 77. RORY .And when they sell the company, Joel and Brian are gonna be the one's who get rich, and-- MARY And we're the ones doing all the work. GABRIELLE That's right. RORY It's bullshit man. We should get a piece of it. I work my ass off. MARY Gabrielle and I work harder than anybody. I should be making what Brian makes. If you add up all the crates I move, I lift 10,000 pounds a day. Minimum. GABRIELLE That's right. Here he's gonna make a million dollars, and we're the ones who do everything. I went to college. For three years. MARY If we quit, this place couldn't run. They wouldn't be able to sell this place for anything. JIM, a tall skinny 50-something guy with a ridiculously big mustache and a little paunch, chimes in. JIM That's why what we should do is, is we should all go on strike -- demand stock in the company before it sells. If General Mills knew we were on strike, they wouldn't buy this place until the strike was over. That way they'd have to give us stock. Jim points to his head, gives everyone a "how's that" nod. It starts to build steam. RORY That's right man. We should do it. We should strike. 78. MARY That's right. I could get a job at Gemco like that. At Gemco, all the employees are owners -- even says so on the name tags. GABRIELLE Mmm hmm. I could get a job at Southwest Airlines... INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - CONFRENCE ROOM - DAY The meeting is already in progress. On Adler's side of the table are two other lawyers and a couple of paralegals. On Joel's side it's just he, Brian and Joel's secretary. Maybe one lawyer who doesn't say much. Everybody has in front of them a small stack of documents. The confrence room, like Joel's office, has a full length window facing the manufacturing area. ADLER Ok gentlemen. We've gone through everything and the only way we would even begin to consider a settlement would be to the tune of the number you see on the bottom of page 18. Does everyone have this? Joel and the rest of them find page 18. Joel is stunned by the number. JOEL What!!!? (so pissed he can barely get the words out) We don't have this much money! Not even close! ADLER Not in cash you don't. Of course not. But if you were to sell off your assets: the property lease, the equipment, the-- JOEL What the ff-- Are you shitting me!? That would bankrupt us! BRIAN This is what I've been trying to tell you Joel... 79. JOEL If you think I'm just going to give up this entire company that I built from the ground up-- Adler jumps up, dripping with phoney, forced indignation. ADLER How about what my client gave up!? His testicles! How about that!? He walks over to the door... ADLER In fact, I'll make a deal with you - - we will drop this case right now if you come over here and put your testicles right here (indicates the space between the door and the HINGES) and let me slam this door like this... Adler SLAMS the door ridiculously hard. ADLER Go ahead. We can settle this right now -- call it even. I will drop this case right now if you let me slam your balls in this door, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CLIENT! JOEL It was an accident! ADLER Not according to our investigation. We believe that, in fact, there was gross negligence... INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - MANUFACTURING AREA - CONTINUOUS The employees, same ones in the breakroom, are milling around, talking, the idea of the strike gaining momentum. Rory points up to the confrence room. RORY I heard those guys up there are the guys from General Mills. 80. Employees' POV: Adler pacing around, yelling, Joel yelling back, etc. [They can't hear any of it.] MARY Mmm hmm... JIM See, now they're probably up there negotiating right now -- cuttin' up the pie that we baked. That's what it looks like to me. The employees all nod in agreement. Employees POV: Adler pointing at his balls, pointing to the door again, about to slam it. One of his lawyers stops him. RORY We gotta act fast. They could be about to close the deal. JIM Yeah, and leave us out in the cold. RORY Yeah, then it's too late. If they've already sold it we can't get a piece of it. We gotta act fast. We need to do one of those walk outs. JIM Well, we better do it now. RORY Okay, who's in? We need a show of force. Come on, it's now or never... We PAN around the employees as the idea builds momentum, ending on HECTOR, who looks completely confused by it all. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - CONFRENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS The meeting heats up. 81. ADLER Okay then, let me go back to my previous offer: I will gladly come down on that price -- I'll come all the way down to zero and drop this case -- if you go over there right now and slam your testicles in that door! Because-- JOEL I don't wanna slam my testicles in the door! I want you to be reasonable! You won't even budge one penny! Come on! ADLER Like I say, if you slam your-- JOEL I'll slam your balls in the door! ADLER I'm sorry, did you just threaten me? Brian puts his hand on Joel, motions him to calm down. BRIAN Look, we need to cool off a minute. We'll be right back. Brian leads Joel out of the room. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS JOEL I don't need this. I'm going home. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - MANUFACTURING AREA - CONTINUOUS Joel walks down the stairs. The group of employees see him and ready themselves for the big confrontation. Joel notices them all looking at him and stops. JOEL Yeah?... What? But they are ill-prepared. No one knows who should talk first. It's incredibly awkward. They all look at each other and mutter things like, "go ahead" "you first". Finally... 82. RORY Umm... We were just uh... JIM Well, Rory was talking about how you guys are doing this deal with General Mills and we just think that ah... We were considering the idea of ah... RORY Well, we just think that we should maybe get a piece of it, you know cuz we do all the work... And if we don't... um... Joel's in no mood for this. He goes off on them. JOEL You know what? Fine. Fine. You're all in charge -- all of you. (gestures to all the EMPLOYEES) As of now. You run the goddamn place. Go ahead. In fact, you can go up there right now and meet with Adler. He may slam your balls in the door, but woohoo! You're the boss! Joel storms out, leaving the employees standing there. A BICKERING MATCH erupts over who was supposed to do the talking, who said they would say what, who backed down first, etc. "I was gonna say something but you interrupted," "You didn't say anything when he was leaving, so I thought you were quitting. I would've stood up to him." As the argument dies down, one by one they all go back to their posts, muttering. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Joel is sitting at the table, picking at some food, looking miserable. Suzie comes over, gathers up her nerve. SUZIE Listen Joel, there's something I have to tell you. I think we need to be honest with each other. Suzie sits down. 83. SUZIE (CONT'D) I'm not sure how to say this, but -- well, you've been so caught up in you're work lately, and I'm here alone all day and sometimes I just-- JOEL You banged the pool cleaner. SUZIE Wha... Suzie is stunned. JOEL That's what you're trying to tell me right? You had sex with Brad? SUZIE You knew? JOEL Yes I knew. I hired him. SUZIE Well I know you hired him, but how did you know about-- JOEL I don't mean I hired him to clean the pool, I mean I hired him to have sex with you. SUZIE What? JOEL He's a gigolo Suzie. Suzie is stupefied. SUZIE But... what... Why? Joel is so fed up, he just tells her everything. JOEL I hired him to have an affair with you so that I could have an affair without feeling guilty. I was really drunk and on some kind of horse tranquilizer and-- 84. SUZIE Brad was getting paid?... (disbelief, hurt) So you've been paying Brad this whole time? All fifteen times?! JOEL FIFTEEN TIMES?! Jesus Christ Suzie! Joel sinks into his chair, shaking his head. JOEL (CONT'D) I only paid him once -- well, twice. The rest was on the house. Long beat as Suzie tries to let it all sink in. SUZIE You wanted to have an affair with another woman? JOEL Yes. But I didn't. Suzie paces around for a moment, reeling, processing all this. Then, decisively, SUZIE You asshole. JOEL Oh, I'm the asshole? SUZIE Yes! How could you? JOEL (LAUGHS) How could I? How could you?!!! You didn't have to have sex with him. You could've simply said "No thanks. Just clean the pool," but you didn't, did you?! No, you took him up on his little offer and had sex with him -- fifteen times! SUZIE None of this would've happened if you hadn't hired him. 85. JOEL Okay. I'll admit, I made a big mistake. I was drunk, on drugs, stressed, sexually frustrated and I shouldn't have hired a male prostitute to seduce you. But if you had simply been faithful, none of this would've happened. Suzie just looks at him for a beat. SUZIE You're sick, you know that? Beat. Joel can't really argue this point. JOEL What do you see in Brad anyway? He's borderline retarded. You probably could've been arrested for having sex with a guy that dumb. SUZIE That's it. I'm leaving. Suzie heads for the door. Joel follows after her. JOEL No. You're not leaving me. I'm leaving you! SUZIE Fine. Joel opens the door, about to storm out, only to find NATHAN, standing right there about to ring the doorbell. NATHAN Oh, hey guys. Glad I caught ya. You guys hardly ever answer the door. Heh heh. They are both so flustered, they can barely talk. SUZIE Now's not a good time Nathan. Joel turns around, storms off back into the house. NATHAN Oh, you guys goin' somewhere? 86. SUZIE No. Look, we can't talk right now. NATHAN Well, you think I could go ahead and get that check from ya then? I'm just trying to balance my checkbook here... SUZIE Now's not a good time. NATHAN When would be a good time, you think? SUZIE I don't know. NATHAN See the thing is-- SUZIE Okay tomorrow. NATHAN Great, what time? SUZIE I don't know. Just come by tomorrow. I can't talk now. NATHAN Okay great. And if you could just go ahead and have that check, that'd be great. It's a hundred and ten. That's two plates at FIFTY-FIVE-- SUZIE Yeah, Okay... Suzie shuts the door, cutting him off. EXT. EXTENDED STAY AMERICA SUITES -- DAY Joel checks into an Extended Stay America hotel.(a chain of hotels that rent by the week.) Quick shot of Joel sitting alone in the room. He drops his suitcase and glumly sits down on the bed, grabs the remote. 87. He turns on Spectravision and surfs the Adult titles, decides he's not into it and switches back to regular TV only to find American Idol is on. He stares at it for a beat, then flops down on the bed and stares at the ceiling. INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT Joel sits at the bar, drowning his sorrows. Dean is over by the cash register, tending to some business. Brad enters, walks over to Joel. Joel looks the other way. BRAD Hey man... I know you probably want to kick my ass, but-- JOEL I couldn't kick your ass if I wanted to. You're a good 10 years younger than me, and I'm a pussy. So why don't you just leave me alone. BRAD I just wanted to tell you, I'm not gonna see Suzie anymore. You don't have to worry. Joel keeps drinking his beer, stares straight ahead. BRAD The last time I was over there, she broke it off; told me to quit coming over... She said she was gonna tell you everything -- you know, about us. She's really into you dude. I guess that's why she married you an' shit... You're a lucky guy... Sorry if I messed shit up. Beat. Joel takes another swig. JOEL Why'd you have to get hung up on Suzie? You could have any girl you want. BRAD Yeah, but I want Suzie. And I can't have her. JOEL You had her fifteen times. 88. BRAD Yeah, but she doesn't love me dude. It's just not the same... Anyway, just wanted to tell you that. JOEL Well... You told me. BRAD Alright, later... Brad starts to leave. Then he stops, turns around. BRAD Oh, one more thing... I quit my landscaping job... And I don't think I'm really cut out to be a gigolo. So I was wondering if you had any openings over there at your extract place? JOEL (EXASPERATED SIGH) Brad, you had sex with my wife. I'm not gonna give you a job, okay? BRAD Okay... Sorry man. Brad walks away. Joel stares at his beer for a beat, thinking. He calls out to Brad. JOEL Hey Brad?... Brad stops. BRAD Yeah? JOEL I don't know... Maybe come by the office tomorrow. Fill out an application. I'll see what I can do. BRAD Cool. Thanks man. 89. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY Brian sits with Joel. They both look pretty miserable. Brian looks down at some papers, shaking his head. BRIAN We're screwed. General Mills has pretty much withdrawn the offer pending a really favorable settlement with Step. (shaking his head) Not only do we not sell the company, we could wind up bankrupt. JOEL (muttering to himself) So I don't sell the company, don't get the money, I'm bankrupt, I don't get Cindy, I paid a guy to have sex with my wife, and she actually did it... BRIAN Excuse me? JOEL Nothing. EXT. JOEL'S HOUSE - POOL -- DAY Suzie is trying to clean the pool herself, struggling with the long pole with the net at the end. She looks miserable. NATHAN (O.S.) Hello? Nathan enters through the back gate. SUZIE (MUTTERS) Shit... Nathan walks over to Suzie. She's in no mood for this. She acts as unfriendly as possible. NATHAN Why are you cleaning the pool yourself? That new guy didn't work out? 90. SUZIE Yeah, didn't work out. NATHAN Boy, you just can't get good help, eh? SUZIE Yeah. NATHAN So, did you get a chance to write that check? SUZIE Look Nathan, Joel and I aren't going to that dinner okay? Nathan acts deeply disappointed. NATHAN Well gee, I wish you would've told me that before I went and bought the tickets. SUZIE Joel never agreed to this Nathan, and neither did I. NATHAN Well, it sure sounded like you guys were going. Leslie was gonna talk to you about it, but you didn't return our calls. I mean, I already bought these tickets. They're nonrefundable. I really wish you guys had been a little more clear with me... It's the last straw. Suzie has had enough. She unleashes all her pent-up aggression on Nathan. SUZIE Okay, let me be really clear with you then. When we say "I don't think so," or even "I'm not sure," that means "no." Why can't you understand that? NATHAN Well, I just-- 91. SUZIE Shut up! In fact, let me be even more clear with you. We don't like you! Is that clear enough? You're dull, you never shut up, you never listen, and we don't want anything to do with you ever again! Nathan freezes, in some kind of state of shock. He starts to shake a little. Suzie just keeps going -- it feels too good to stop. SUZIE Is that clear enough for you Nathan?! Is that...? Nathan starts to go into some kind of seizure. SUZIE (WORRIED) Nathan? Nathan's eyes roll back into his head, and he collapses. Suzie SCREAMS. EXT. EXTENDED STAY AMERICA SUITES -- NIGHT Joel pulls into the parking lot. He looks surprised, seeing something on the other side of the lot that gets his attention. JOEL (TO HIMSELF) No way... From JOEL'S POV, we see Cindy pull up and get out of her car. Joel watches as she gets out with a grocery bag and heads up the stairs. Joel gets out and watches her from a distance. He sees her go into a room and shut the door. He stares up at the door for a beat. Then, with a look of determination, Joel walks up the stairs and knocks on her door. INT. CINDY'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS ACTION Cindy opens the door, a little startled to see Joel, but pleasant to him. CINDY Oh... Joel. I ah,... 92. JOEL Hi. CINDY What're you...? What's up? How'd you know I was here? JOEL Ah, actually, I'm staying here too. Down on the first floor, around the back. I thought I saw you so I ah... CINDY Well, come in. Joel enters, stands in the living room. Cindy heads in to the kitchen. CINDY (O.S.) Do you want something to drink? I think all I have is Diet Coke. Joel notices MARY'S PURSE lying on the coffee table. He stares at it. JOEL No thanks. Cindy comes back in with a Diet Coke. CINDY Have a seat. Joel remains standing, looking at the purse. JOEL That's Mary's purse... Isn't it? CINDY What? JOEL Right there. That's Mary's purse. CINDY Oh that? No, that's mine... So how are things at work? JOEL That's Mary's purse. You stole it, didn't you? 93. Cindy acts like he's being silly. There's nothing about her demeanor that would make anybody think she's lying. CINDY No. It probably just looks like it. There's a lot of those. JOEL I've never seen another one. You probably have Sylvia's wallet in here somewhere too, don't you? And everything else that's been stolen from my employees. CINDY Joel, are you okay? JOEL No, I'm not. That's Mary's purse Goddammit! Okay? Everyone blamed Hector. He almost got fired. Doesn't that bother you? CINDY (innocent, sweet) Joel, I don't know what you're-- JOEL Hector! Hard working guy, never did anything wrong. And what are you doing with Step? You're trying to screw him out of his settlement money aren't you? CINDY I have no idea what you're talking about. JOEL Yes you do! You're the only reason he's suing us aren't you? You know how much work it took for me to build up that company? You just don't care about anybody do you? What are you, some kind of sociopath? Cindy looks like Joel might be getting to her. JOEL (CONT'D) You can't even admit that you stole this purse can you? You just can't do it. (MORE) 94. JOEL (CONT'D) In fact, you probably can't tell the truth about much of anything, can you?... Cindy turns away from him, looking down at the floor. JOEL I bet Cindy's not even your real name is it? Who are you? Where the hell are you from? Cindy, still looking away, doesn't answer. JOEL (CONT'D) You can't answer can you? Because if you said one true thing, you'd have to tell the truth about something else and then it would all unravel wouldn't it? Then you'd have to admit that you stole this purse and God knows what else. Beat. Cindy still looking away, down at the floor. We see her eyes well up, about to cry, but Joel doesn't notice. JOEL (COMPOSES HIMSELF) Well, I'm leaving now. Joel picks up the purse. JOEL And I'm taking this purse with me. If it really is yours, you can call the police and tell 'em I stole it... In fact, I'm gonna call the police and report it... Joel walks towards the door. Then Cindy slumps down on the couch, mutters something, still looking down at the floor, her voice cracking slightly. CINDY Please don't... Joel stops. JOEL What? 95. CINDY (still looking down) Please don't report it to the police. I'm on probation. I'll go to jail. For a long time. JOEL Well... Maybe you should've thought about that before you started ripping off my employees. Joel starts to open the door. CINDY Joel? Please? I'll leave Step alone. I promise. He'll drop the lawsuit. Joel considers this. JOEL How do I know that? CINDY You can keep the purse. If I don't leave him alone; if he doesn't drop the lawsuit, then you can report me. Please? Beat. JOEL Hmm... I guess that ah... Do you have Sylvia's wallet, and Jim's watch? Can I get those too? Beat. Cindy nods, still looking down. Joel considers it. JOEL Well... Okay then. I guess that works. (REALIZING) And I guess you just admitted that you stole the purse. That's good, I guess... A step in the right direction... Joel sits down on the couch also. With her head still down, Cindy is weeping quietly. Joel doesn't notice, looking straight ahead. 96. JOEL So what's your deal anyway?... I mean, how did you end up like this? Joel finally looks over, notices that she's crying. He's caught off guard. JOEL .Ah... Cindy? Cindy breaks down and starts bawling. JOEL (CONT'D) Okay, now you see... that's what I'm talking about. You're trying to manipulate me now, and I'm not gonna fall for it... Cindy starts bawling even harder. JOEL (CONT'D) I really hope you're not faking this right now, because I'm feeling really bad. Are you faking it? Cindy shakes her head "no." JOEL I'm sorry, I was just curious, you know, how a person ends up like... this... Cindy suddenly starts BAWLING hysterically. Joel stands there awkwardly, not sure if he should hug her or comfort her in any way. JOEL Never mind. I'm sorry... Joel tentatively puts a comforting arm around her and she leans in to him, crying on his chest. He puts his other arm around her and she snuggles in even closer. As her crying gradually subsides she snuggles in even more. Finally, she lifts her head and they start kissing. As they get hot and heavy we DISSOLVE TO: 97. EXT. EXTENDED STAY AMERICA SUITES -- MORNING Wide shot of the Hotel. It's a beautiful morning. INT. CINDY'S ROOM - DAY Joel wakes up, looking more relaxed than we've ever seen him. We PULL OUT to reveal that he's alone in Cindy's bed. He sits up, yawns. He has a big satisfied smile on his face. JOEL Cindy? He looks around, realizes he's alone. Then suddenly looks worried. JOEL (CONT'D) Oh shit! He scrambles for his pants, then looks relieved as he realizes his wallet is still there. He sets down the pants, then after a beat, picks them up again, checks inside the wallet and sees there's still cash and credit cards. Then he looks up at the chest of drawers and sees: Mary's purse, Sylvia's wallet, and a watch, placed side by side. He lies back in bed, and shuts his eyes, grinning again. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT /MANUFACTURING AREA -- MORNING Extract bottles moving along the assembly line full steam. Mary and Gabriella gossiping. MARY (looks at her watch) Joel hasn't been in all morning. can you believe that? GABRIELLE If we come in late, we get fired. And here we're working our tails off, and he's gonna get rich. Joel walks in, bright-eyed and cheery, greeting people. He walks over to Mary carrying her PURSE. JOEL Here you go Mary. 98. Joel hands her the purse. Mary looks at it, not quite sure how to react, not ever wanting to appear grateful for anything -- not in her nature. JOEL (CONT'D) And by the way, Hector didn't take it. Cindy did. Joel walks off. Mary just shakes her head at him. She whispers to Gabriella. MARY Can you believe that? Blaming Cindy just to protect Hector. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - DAY Joel is at his desk. Brian comes in. BRIAN Step's here to see you. JOEL Really? Bring him in. BRIAN No, he's outside. At the loading dock. Wants to talk to you alone back there for some reason. (CRUDE IMMITATION) "Man to man." EXT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - LOADING DOCK Step is pacing around, waiting. Joel comes out. JOEL Hi Step... STEP Hey. JOEL How you doin'? How's your, ah... STEP (looking down at his CROTCH) Oh it's okay. Some days it still hurts, but they've got me on some pills. It's not too bad I guess... 99. JOEL Well... that's good. They both sit down on the edge of the dock. STEP Look, ah... Cindy left me. Joel's nods, not surprised, but sympathetic. JOEL Wow... Bummer... STEP Yeah, it is a bummer... You know, I thought the worst part was having my balls knocked off, but you know what the worse part is? Dealin' with all this bullshit... I'm sick of that Adler guy tellin' me what to do. He's a real dick. JOEL Yeah, he sure is. STEP The truth is, I just want to have my old life back -- I just want to go back to work. I'm a workin' man; that's what I do. JOEL Yeah... I'm beginning to think I might be the same way... I'm a little worried about what I'd do with too much time on my hands. STEP I just lay around and watch TV all day. JOEL Yeah,... I think I do a lot worse. STEP The problem is, if I bankrupt the company, there won't be a job to go back to. JOEL You don't have to bankrupt the company. 100. STEP Yeah, but then if I drop the lawsuit, you'll sell the company, and the new company might not hire me. JOEL Well, maybe I don't have to sell the company... You know I've been thinking; all these years I've been building this company, dreaming about the day I could sell it and retire, but what would I really do if I retired? It's like that old saying -- it's not about the destination, it's about the journey? Step just stares at him blankly, he lost him. JOEL I guess what I'm saying is, too much free time might not be such a good thing -- like that old saying, idle hands are the Devil's playground? Step's never heard that one either. STEP I'm sorry, I don't do much book readin'. JOEL What I'm saying is, I'm thinking maybe I won't sell the company... STEP Really? JOEL that is, if you dropped the lawsuit. -- and remember, you'll still get that insurance money -- probably a couple hundred thousand. What do you think? STEP Hmm. That sounds fair... But under one condition... JOEL What's that? 101. STEP You make me floor manager. JOEL Deal. They shake hands. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - MANUFACTURING AREA Joel walks in with Step at his side. Addresses the employees. JOEL Hold the line! Mary shuts off the conveyer belt. JOEL Okay, listen up everybody. (Waits for them to settle) I've decided not to sell the company... Gasps and murmurs among the employees. JOEL And I'm making Step the new Floor Manager. More gasps and murmurs. JOEL And if anyone doesn't like it, I hear they're hiring over at Gemco... But just remember, at Gemco, the owner doesn't know your names; you never even meet him, he's at an office up in Chicago somewhere and you get an auto- response if you try to email him to complain about anything. Here, you can come up to my office any time you have a problem. Thanks. Joel walks off. Brian catches up with him. BRIAN Huh? You're not selling? 102. JOEL It's about the journey Brian. The journey. ANGLE on Mary. She and Gabrielle start right back up. MARY You know, if Joel's going to put him in charge, we should go on strike. You know, at Gemco, the union handles the strikes and you don't even have to-- PULL OUT as Step cuts her off. STEP Quit yapping and get back to work or you're fired. Step walks off -- maybe pops a testosterone pill. Mary and Gabrielle keep muttering and shaking their heads. LONG PULL OUT as things get back to normal at the factory. INT. CHAPEL - DAY We are CLOSE ON NATHAN, in a coffin, embalmed. We PULL OUT to see mourners lined up, taking a last look at the body. Joel is among them. He looks down at Nathan for a moment and then continues to his seat. A few rows back, we see SUZIE, sitting by herself, dressed in black. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Quick shot of Nathan's casket being lowered into the ground as the priest says the last few words. EXT. CEMETERY - A LITTLE LATER People hug and console each other. Joel sees Suzie, walks over to her. JOEL Hi... You doing okay? SUZIE Yeah, I'm okay. 103. JOEL I heard you were right there when it happened. That must've been rough. SUZIE It was horrible Joel. He came over to ask for that check, and I just... Suzie breaks down, starts CRYING. SUZIE (CONT'D) .I just lost it. I started yelling at him. I said horrible things. He had an aneurism and I probably caused it. (CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY) I think the last thing I said to him was "shut up." Those were the last words he heard. Joel hugs her, consoling. JOEL It's okay, it's not your fault... It's not your fault. Suzie's crying subsides a little. SUZIE It could happen to any of us Joel. Any of us could have an aneurism. We could die at any moment. JOEL Yeah, I know... I know... But we probably won't. It'll be alright. Suzie starts to regain her composure. They stand there for a beat. JOEL You wanna go get something to eat... or something? Beat. Suzie still sniffling a little. SUZIE Yeah, okay. Sure. 104. They walk off towards the cemetery gates. After a while, Joel hands Suzie a Kleenex. JOEL Here... SUZIE Thanks. They walk a little further. Joel looks at the Chapel nearby. JOEL Maybe we should've been married in a Church like that one. Instead of the Botanical Gardens. SUZIE I thought you liked the Botanical Gardens? JOEL Yeah, but... a church just seems more -- I don't know -- official. SUZIE You think it would've made a difference? JOEL I don't know... So, are we still married? SUZIE Well, legally yes. JOEL I mean otherwise. SUZIE Hmmm... We can talk about it I suppose. JOEL Alright. They walk for a beat. JOEL You know, this is really bad, but... Oh never mind. SUZIE What? 105. JOEL Well, as I was looking down at Nathan there, I was thinking... That's the longest I've ever seen him with his mouth shut. Suzie LAUGHS in spite of herself. SUZIE Joel! They walk off into the distance as we FADE OUT. THE END
Family Man CHAPTER ONE - EARLY HISTORY 1 INT. KENNEDY AIRPORT, PAN AM TERMINAL - NIGHT SUPER: AUTUMN, 1987 A line of PASSENGERS about to board a Pan Am flight to London. JACK CAMPBELL, 22, head full of long unkempt hair, Tom Selleck mustache, the hopeful look of youth in his eyes... sitting next to... KATE REYNOLDS, 21, pretty, Dorothy Hamill haircut... rubbing the tears from her swollen red eyes... KATE I got you a few necessities... Kate hands Jack a new copy of Vonneguts Cats Cradle. KATE (CONTD) Your copy was a mess... Jack accepts the book but hes unable to take his eyes off Kate. She hands him a cassette. KATE (CONTD) Every one of these songs will remind you of me in a slightly different way... JACK All in one tape? KATE I also put side two of London Calling on there... Kate leans over and kisses him passionately on the lips. KATE (CONTD) That was not officially the goodbye kiss. It was just an interim kiss... He looks at her, his eyes welling up. He pulls her close, kissing her deeply. Then... ANNOUNCER (O.S.) This will be the final boarding call for Pan Am flight 4 to London, Heathrow. Jack takes Kates hand, getting up, turning sadly to the gate. KATE You have your ticket? Jack pulls out a BLUE PAN AM TICKET ENVELOPE. Kate nods. They embrace and kiss again. As they separate. JACK Im not even gonna say it, Kate. Maybe itll be like I never left... Jack takes one lastlook at her, then heads for the gate. Kate stands there, watching him go. Then... ...a moment of intuition. Something isnt right. She looks at Jack, about to disappear into the jetway, trying to decide... KATE Wait. Jack turns. Kate approaches him. KATE (CONTD) I have a bad feeling about this. JACK About the plane? What do you think its gonna crash? Dont say that... KATE (shaking her head) I know weve talked about this a thousand times and we both agree that going to London is the right thing to do. But in my heart... this feels wrong. She looks at the gate...the last few passengers are boarding, then back into Jacks eyes. KATE (CONTD) Dont go, Jack... JACK You mean dont go at all? What about my internship? KATE Believe me I know what an incredible opportunity this is for you... JACK For us, Kate. KATE Right, for us. But...Im afraid that if you get on that plane... JACK What? Kate looks at him, pleading with her eyes, but she cant say... KATE (torn) Go. Im sorry, you should just go... JACK (thinking, then...) No, youre right. What are we doing? KATE We're being responsible. Go. Get on the plane. His eyes narrow as he measures her determination... KATE (CONT'D) (a smile) Get the hell outta my sight. You bother me. A laugh from Jack. Kate gives him a calm smile and a nod - it's not entirely convincing but it's enough for Jack. JACK (resolute) Okay, I'm going... He takes her in his arms one last time and hugs her tight. Jack looks toward the gate, the line disappearing...Kate grasps his shirt tightly. KATE I can't seem to let go of you... JACK You hear me complaining about that? A sober look in Jack's eyes. JACK (CONT'D) Look, we're at the airport and no one ever thinks clearly at the airport so we should just trust the decision we already made. You've been accepted to one of the best law schools in the country, I've got this internship at Barclay's Bank. We have a great plan, honey... Kate nods, then, with resolve... KATE You want to do something great, Jack? Let's flush the plan...start our lives right now, today...I don't know what that life's gonna look like but I do know it has both of us in it. And I choose us... Jack is jolted by her words. KATE (CONT'D) The plan doesn't make us great, Jack. What we have together, that's what makes us great. Her words sink in...A long moment of decision...He looks toward the gate, only one person left in line...back to Kate...imploring him with her eyes. Finally...He kisses her deeply on the lips... JACK I love you, Kate... ...a smile from Kate...relief...then... JACK (CONT'D) (taking her face in his hands) ...and a year in London's not gonna change that. A hundred years couldn't change that... Jack gives her one final kiss then walks pensively to the gate, handing the attendant his ticket, not able to look back. Kate watches him go, tears streaming down her face, as the gate door closes behind him. She waits, almost willing it to open again...waiting...waiting...but it doesn't... DISSOLVE TO: 1A EXT. MANHATTAN - ESTABLISHING - DAY The skating rink at Central Park...Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center...the view down Fifth Avenue with Christmas decorations...Park Avenue. 2 EXT. MANHATTAN - EARLY MORNING We close in on a spectacular pre-war doorman building... 3 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS A huge space with gleaming hardwood floors, ornate moldings, and a great view of the Hudson and Jersey behind it... The place looks like a museum display...everything is of the highest quality and meticulously maintained. A wall of photos - Jack and Clinton, Jack with Patrick Ewing, Jack between Alan Greenspan and Henry Kravis. And a "Willie Mays" baseball bat encased in glass... 4 INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ...impeccably decorated and obsessively neat. Close in on the bed where JACK CAMPBELL, now 35, sans mustache and long hair, opens his eyes. A FLASH of bright morning light from the window. Jack shields his eyes, turning his head toward the bathroom where he sees... A WOMAN'S BACK...draped in a towel...an incredible back, neither flabby nor overly toned, beautifully curved...Jack focuses on it a moment. As the woman turns to him... PAULA. Beautiful, late 20s, a toothbrush in her mouth... PAULA (holding up toothbrush) I hope you don't mind. There were like ten new ones in the cabinet. A playful smile from Paula. JACK It's not what you think. I took Mentadent public... Paula smiles, moves over to a chair and grabs a little black dress hanging neatly over it. PAULA Did you really mean what you said about Tuscany? JACK Of course I did. PAULA Last night was great... JACK You are an amazing lover. You should be giving motivational seminars. PAULA Thanks. You're not bad yourself... Jack grabs his Frank Mueller watch from the night stand, puts it on his wrist. He looks at Paula as she slips the dress on. JACK I want to see you again. PAULA I'd like that, too. JACK Tonight. She turns to him. PAULA It's Christmas Eve, Jack. JACK So we'll get egg nog. Paula laughs. PAULA (putting on her shoes) I have to go to my parents' house out in Jersey. Would you like to come? JACK Jersey? You know what the traffic's gonna be like? PAULA I'm taking the train... Paula approaches Jack, leaning over him, her long hair dangling on his chest. PAULA (CONT'D) Don't you have anywhere to go? JACK I've got plenty of places to go. He stays there, confident, sexy, waiting for an answer... PAULA (a sexy laugh, then...) Maybe I can try and sneak away some time tomorrow morning... (kissing him on the lips) Okay? JACK (coy) If it's something you feel strongly about. Paula walks to the door, then turns back to Jack. PAULA It was nice meeting you, Jack... CHAPTER TWO - MAIN TITLES 4A INT. JACKS APARTMENT - MORNING Jack saunters over to a Yamaha Grand Disclavier in the living room. He puts a disk into the piano and... ...the keys come alive with the music of BACH. Jack hits a switch and suddenly the entire apartment is enveloped in music... 4B INT. JACKS BUILDING, CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Paula, waiting for the elevator, hears the MUSIC emanating from Jacks apartment...an intrigued glance back at the apartment door as the elevator arrives... 5 INT. JACKS BATHROOM - MORNING Backs Passion According to St. Matthew is blaring through the speakers, the music is swelling to full orchestra... Jacks at the mirror in this incredibly neat marble- tiled bathroom, shaving with a silver-plated Hammacher Schlemmer razor, HUMMING with the orchestra... 6 INT. JACKS CLOSET - MORNING ...the size of a small house, a long row of Zegna suits, shoe trees stacked with Italian shoes, tailored shirts everywhere. Jacks still HUMMING to the music as he dresses in front of a mirror. 7 INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING Jack, wearing an elegant camels hair overcoat and carrying a leather briefcase, a Master of the Universe smile on his face, now HUMMING the Bach piece from memory... The doors open at 6. Jack self-consciously stops singing as ELIZABETH PETERSON, 60s, wearing a mink coat, gets on the elevator carrying a yappy little dog. JACK (a charming smile) Mrs. Peterson. MRS. PETERSON Hello Jack. You dont have to stop singing on my account... JACK Its because Im shy, Betty. So, when are you going to leave that old corpse Mr. Peterson and run away with me? MRS. PETERSON You know you could never satisfy me the way he does... The doors open to the lobby. Mrs. Peterson walks out ahead. 8 INT. JACKS BUILDING, LOBBY - MORNING TONY THE DOORMAN holds the door open for Jack and Mrs. Peterson... TONY THE DOORMAN Merry Christmas, Mr. Campbell. JACK Howd you do this year, Tony? TONY THE DOORMAN About four grand. And a bottle of twenty five year old scotch from Mrs. Johnson in 9D. Im putting it all in commercial paper like you said. JACK Just until the Deutsche Mark turns... Jack exits the building... 9 OMITTED 9A EXT. CENTRAL PARK - MORNING Jacks Ferrari racing through the park... 10 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - MORNING A modern Wall Street building. The sign above the glass doors reads, P.K. Lassiter and Associates, Investment House. The Ferrari SCREECHES to a halt. Jack gets out, heads into the building... 10A INT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS ...Jack throws his keys to a nearby SECURITY GUARD with a smile on his way to the elevators... CHAPTER THREE - JACK THE BUSINESSMAN DISSOLVE TO: 11 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The Manhattan skyline shines through the windows of this beautiful conference room. SIX EXECUTIVES are seated at a huge oak table littered with coffee cups and lunch waste. At the end of the table, ALAN MINTZ, 30s, balding, sits with a faraway look in his eyes, three empty Diet Coke cans in front of him. Mintz is poking at a shiny gold cherub dangling from a small, plastic Christmas tree, sitting in the middle of the table. Jack is addressing the group from the front of the room, standing in front of a computer with a huge flat screen monitor, covered with stock charts and tables... JACK ...if MedTech's shares sink any lower than... (casually executing a keystroke) ...forty three, we're in trouble with the stock valuation. So for god's sake watch what you say to your institutional customers... Jack notices Alan Mintz playing with the cherub. JACK (CONT'D) ...we still have almost a full day of trading before zero hour and I don't want any trouble... (distracted by Mintz) ...penny for your thoughts, Alan... Alan looks up. ALAN Sorry, Jack. I told Dee and the kids I'd be home by dinner. You know, it being Christmas Eve and all. JACK Is that tonight? A LAUGH from the group. Jack approaches Alan. JACK (CONT'D) You think I like being here on Christmas Eve, Alan? ALAN I don't know. Maybe... Another LAUGH. Even Jack lets out a good-natured chuckle. JACK Okay, maybe I do have a touch of tunnel vision this holiday season. But in two days we're going to announce one of the largest mergers in U.S. corporate history. Thirty billion dollars... (basking in the glory) When this kind of deal turns up you get on and you ride it `till it's over. You don't ask it for a vacation... A chuckle from the group...the esprit de corps seems to energize Jack. JACK (CONT'D) (to the group) December 26th. After that there'll be so much money floating around here it'll be like Christmas every day... (smiling) December 26th, people. If you'd like to celebrate that day, you all have my blessing... Enthusiastic nods and words of agreement from the suits around the table... ALAN You're right, Jack. Sorry... Jack approaches Alan. JACK I don't want you to be sorry, Alan, I want you to be excited. I want my gift to be the first one you open this year. You know why? ALAN Why Jack? JACK Because my gift comes with ten zeroes at the end... A MURMUR of excitement in the room, even Alan cracks a smile. Jack puts a hand on Alan's shoulder. JACK (CONT'D) Good man... 12 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - NIGHT The conference room door opens and the SIX ENERGIZED SUITS emerge, each met by an ASSISTANT handing them messages. Jack is the last one out. He's met in stride by ADELLE, 50s, carrying a Filofax and a pile of phone messages. ADELLE Only eight thirty? What's the matter, had some last minute shopping to do? Jack pops a peppermint Lifesaver in his mouth as Adelle hands him his messages. JACK You too? This holiday's about giving, Adelle. And I'm giving everything I've got to this deal, so in a way, I'm more Christmassy than anyone... (holding out the candy) Lifesaver? ADELLE (ignoring the candy) You're a ray of sunshine, Jack. They approach an office, the words, "Jack Campbell - President" stenciled on the glass... 13 INT. JACK'S OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ...continuing past Adelle's desk, Jack looking at his messages, and into Jack's office... 14 INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS A cavernous office, you could land a helicopter in it - high tech fixtures, full bar, leather sofa, $3,000 Stairmaster... Jack walks to an enormous, bare mahogany desk, and sits down in a high tech ergonomic leather chair. ADELLE Oh, and Oxxford called... JACK Ooh, my suits are ready... He gets to the last message, sees the name on it, and reels back. JACK (CONT'D) Kate Reynolds... ADELLE Her assistant said you could call her at home after eight. Jack stares at the message like he's looking at a ghost. JACK Her assistant? ADELLE Yeah Jack, her assistant... JACK (lost in the message) Kate Reynolds was my girlfriend in college. I almost married her... ADELLE (a hearty LAUGH) You? Married? JACK (snapping out of it) Almost married. And almost a junior broker at E.F. Hutton... ADELLE Excuse me? JACK She didn't want me to go to London. We're standing at the airport saying goodbye and she asks me to stay. ADELLE So you left her? Just like that? JACK God, no. I thought about it for practically the entire flight... ADELLE Stop Jack, I'm getting all weepy. JACK I took the road less traveled, Adelle. ADELLE And look where it's led you... (picking up the phone) I'm gonna get her on the phone... Jack pauses, focused on the message, his mind drifting back... Adelle begins dialing the number. Finally, Jack reaches out and hangs up the phone. JACK No... ADELLE No?! You almost married this woman. Aren't you even curious what she wants? JACK She's probably just having a fit of nostalgia. You know, lonely Christmas Eve, call the one that got away, that kind of thing. Adelle rolls her eyes at him. JACK (CONT'D) I'm telling you, it's ancient history... Jack looks up as PETER LASSITER, 60s, founder and chairman of P.K. Lassiter and Associates, saunters into the room. LASSITER Eight forty-five on Christmas Eve and Jack Campbell is still at his desk. There's a Hallmark moment for you... Lassiter heads to the bar like he's done it a million times. JACK Peter. I don't see you rushing home to trim the tree. LASSITER (pouring himself a scotch) That's because I'm a heartless bastard who only cares about money. JACK And God love you for it. Lassiter drops down in a soft leather chair opposite Jack. LASSITER (sipping the scotch) I just got a call from Terry Haight. Bob Thomas is nervous... JACK That'll happen when you're about to spend thirty billion dollars on some aspirin... LASSITER Someone's gonna have to nurse him through this. JACK Why are you staring at my breasts, Peter? LASSITER I need you, tiger.. JACK Where is he? LASSITER Aspen. Jack pauses for a beat. JACK (to Adelle) Call Aunt Irma. Tell her I won't be able to make it tomorrow... Adelle rolls her eyes at him... LASSITER You're a credit to capitalism, Jack. Jack glances at Adelle, then looks back at Lassiter. JACK Hey Peter, lemme ask you a question. An old girlfriend calls you out of the blue on Christmas Eve... LASSITER You suddenly having trouble getting dates? JACK Not by a long shot. LASSITER Then leave it in the past. Old flames are like old tax returns. You keep `em in the file cabinet for three years and then you cut `em loose. Jack shoots Adelle a satisfied smile, crumpling up Kate's message and tossing a perfect hook into a N.Y. Knicks hoop. JACK (to Adelle) I'll leave from the office tomorrow afternoon. Call the group. Schedule an emergency strategy session for noon. ADELLE That'll be a nice little holiday treat. 15 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - NIGHT A single light remains on in the building. 16 INT. JACK'S OFFICE - SAME TIME Jack is alone in the office working on his computer, checking spreadsheets on a large flat screen monitor. Jack leans back in his chair rubbing his eyes. He checks his watch. It's past eleven. He gets up, goes to the window, sees the city in all its Christmas glory, then he see it... ...the message from Kate, crumpled in the trashcan...then turns back to the window, gazing out at the night... 17 INT. LASSITER BUILDING - NIGHT Jack comes out of the elevator, walking past the lobby desk where FRANK, a security guard, sits watching the monitors. FRANK Mr. Campbell. Why didn't you call down, I would've had Joe get your ride. Jack looks outside the front door to the snowy, quiet street. JACK I'm thinking I might walk tonight, Frank. FRANK Nice night for it. I'll have Louis send your car home. A nod from Jack. FRANK (CONT'D) Merry Christmas to you, sir... JACK Thanks. To you too... Jack puts on a pair of soft leather gloves and heads out into the crisp night air... 18 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINOUS Jack emerges from the building, walking across the large plaza, past the fountain...snow begins to fall... 19 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - A LITTLE LATER Jack's walking down the nearly empty street, snow falling down on him, a bounce in his step, looking at the windows of the closed shops along the way. He gets to the end of the block spots the Wong Brothers' 24 Hour Deli across the street... He heads toward it... 20 INT. WONG BROTHERS' DELI - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the brightly lit deli... SAM WONG, 20s, is with his 80-year-old GRANDFATHER behind the counter. There's a NERDY COLLEGE KID at the salad bar, a drunken DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA at the liquor display, a WOMAN with a BABY in an aisle and... ...a BLACK MAN, 30s, with a dollar sign and the name "CASH" tattooed on his arm, stands in front of the coffee machine... CASH Oh yeah...yeah, yee-ah! She's a certified winner...paper- thin but good as gold... Jack notices Cash talking to himself, seemingly crazy. Jack approaches Sam Wong at the counter. JACK Egg nog? SAM WONG (pointing) Dairy case. Five dollar. CASH (in the b.g., to Sam Wong) Y'all do the lotto here...? `Cause I got me a winner...I know, I know, Lotto keeps the black man down... but not me... Jack grabs a carton of egg nog, then notices Cash handing Sam Wong his ticket. Jack heads back toward the counter... CASH (CONT'D) ...06...14...18...48...right there. Four numbers...that's two hundred and thirty eight dollar... (a smile) Merry Christmas and shit... SAM WONG (barely looking at ticket) Ticket bad. You draw in lines with pencil. CASH What're you talkin' about? SAM WONG (throwing the ticket back) You draw lines with pencil! I know about this! The woman with the baby looks over...the college kid looks up, nervous...the drunken Santa, bottle of bourbon in hand, starts to walk by Jack...Jack instinctively puts an arm out, holding the Santa back... CASH What!? Look at the ticket...! SAM WONG Get out, I call 911. The Santa looks at Jack, confused. CASH You're lookin' at me, you're not even lookin' at the ticket! The woman with the baby puts a loaf of bread back on the shelf, starts nervously inching toward the door. SAM WONG You leave now. Take ticket somewhere else. (calling out) Next customer in line...! CASH You first generation, xenophobic, money-theistic, hot pastrami sandwich making... SAM WONG (screaming) Get out! Just watching...Cash shoves the ticket in Sam Wong's face... CASH LOOK AT THE GODDAMN TICKET!! A moment of decision for Jack. Then... JACK (carefully) Let me see that ticket. Cash turns to Jack. CASH (menacing) Was I talkin' to you?! Jack looks at the woman, the college kid, the Santa, then... JACK Maybe I'll buy it from you. Now Cash walks over to Jack... CASH Guy in $2,000 suit gets ass kicked tryin' to be a hero. Film at eleven... (then...turning to the coffee machine) What?! Oh no, not another lookie-loo. You know how big a job this is? The patrons exchange nervous glances...Jack watches, confused. CASH (CONT'D) You're double bookin' me! You're gonna get double billed! Shit! Cash throws a bottle of Perrier against the wall, it SHATTERS. The woman reels back in terror with the baby... JACK Hey, c'mon... In a flash, Cash whips a .38 from the back of his pants, aiming it at Jack's face. The woman SCREAMS, covers her baby. CASH (in Jack's face) Do you want to die? Jack stares at Cash, trying his best to keep his cool... CASH (CONT'D) DO YOU WANNA DIE?! JACK No. CASH (a smile) Yes you do... JACK Look, I'm talking about a business deal here. I buy the ticket for two hundred, take it to a store where the guy behind the counter... (glaring at Sam Wong) ...doesn't have a death wish (back to Cash) ...I just made myself a quick thirty eight dollars. Cash gets closer... JACK (CONT'D) Like I said, it's a business deal... CASH Damn, you are the real thing... Cash narrows his eyes...then, a smile as he puts the gun back into his pants... CASH (CONT'D) C'mon, Jack, let's get outta here... (to Sam Wong) You were lookin' at me, papa, you shoulda been lookin' at the ticket. That ticket was legit, B. You're fake... Cash starts out of the deli. Jack follows... 21 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - MINUTES LATER Jack and Cash walking down the street...Jack, holding his carton of egg nog under his arm, counting out two hundred dollars... JACK How'd you know my name was Jack? CASH I call all you white guys "Jack." Jack nods... CASH (CONT'D) You know you seem pretty relaxed for a guy who just had a gun pulled on him. JACK There's no way I was gonna die in that deli... (off Cash's look) Let's just say I've been on a lucky streak lately. CASH (a big LAUGH) A lucky streak, huh? Jack hands him the money. CASH (CONT'D) Sound pretty sure of yourself, don't you? Jack nods. CASH (CONT'D) So you're telling me, you've got a gun to your head and you don't think for one second, what if this, what if that, maybe I shouldn't do this, I shoulda done that. JACK I don't do that. That's just not for me... Cash looks at him, then smiles. CASH Okay, Jack. Nice doing business with you... Cash is about to take off... JACK Hey... Cash turns around. JACK (CONT'D) What do you want to carry that gun around for, anyway? You're just gonna do something you'll regret... CASH You want to talk about regrets, you're talking to the wrong person. Jack casually takes the egg nog out of the bag, opens the carton... JACK I'm just saying that you seem like a smart guy. At a certain point you're gonna do something, and then there's no turning back... CASH Yeah, in most cases that'd be true. Jack takes a sip of the egg nog. JACK I mean there must be programs out there, opportunities... CASH (a deep laugh) Wait a minute, wait a minute... you're tryin' to save me? A look from Jack... CASH (CONT'D) Oh man, you're serious... (out to the street) This man thinks I need to be saved! JACK Everyone needs something. Cash looks at Jack... CASH Yeah? What do you need? JACK Me? CASH You just said everyone needs something. JACK I've got everything I need. CASH Wow. It must be great being you. You got it all. Cash looks at Jack. He smiles and shakes his head. JACK Look, I'm not saying you'd be able to do it without some hard work... CASH (a hearty LAUGH) You still think this is about me, don't you? JACK Sure it's about you. But it's about society, too. CASH Oh man, I'm gonna enjoy this one... Just remember, Jack, you did this. You brought this on yourself... And with that, Cash turns and leaves Jack alone on the street with his egg nog... 22 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Jack walks in and throws his keys on a table. He takes off his gloves and overcoat, glances at the mail, then heads into the bedroom. Through the large windows we see snow falling... 23 INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack, flat on his back in bed, fast asleep... CHAPTER FOUR - A DIFFERENT LIFE DISSOLVE TO: 24 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING Close in on Jacks face, bathed in morning light...he opens his eyes...feels something strange... Jack looks down...theres a womans head resting on his chest. A look of confusion crosses his face...trying to remember... did he meet a woman last night...? He turns his head to find a large MUTT sitting faithfully beside the bed, wagging his tail... ...did she have a dog? He looks down at the woman again, craning his neck to get a look at her face. And then he sees her... ...KATE REYNOLDS... ...now 34 and even more beautiful, a look of utter contentment on her radiant face, sleeping soundly... His head darts around the room - its cramped and lived in, clothes and toys are strewn about, family photos on the dresser, Laura Ashley curtains, a tiny poster bed and a charming little bay window. He instinctively reaches for his Franck Mueller watch on the night stand, but its not there. Its a Timex Indiglo and it reads, 7:57 A.M... Jack looks back at Kate...he rubs his eyes...maybe its a dream...but nothing changes. Then, Kate stirs... KATE Mmmm...ten more minutes, Jack... its Christmas... Jack jumps as he hears Kate talk for the first time... Suddenly, the door bursts open...A SIX YEAR OLD GIRL, ANNIE, in a little nightgown, walks into the room carrying an 18 MONTH OLD BOY, JOSH, SINGING at the top of her lungs... ANNIE Jingle bells, Santa s mells, Rudolph laid an egg...la la la, la-la la la, la la la la la... Annie places Josh on the bed and then jumps up herself. She gestures to the dog, patting the bed. ANNIE (CONTD) You too, Luce... The dog faithfully jumps on the tiny bed, joining everybody else and leaving very little room. Annie starts jumping. ANNIE (CONTD) Rise...and...shine...! KATE (stirring) Youre jumping, sweetheart... Jack looks at this activity like a man at his own funeral. ANNIE Mom, dont you think we need to open the presents? KATE (groggy) Mommy needs five more minutes in la la land. That could be her present... Josh crawls directly up to Jacks stomach, climbing on. ANNIE Cmon, Dad. Get up! She said Dad. Thats it. Jack moves the baby gingerly over, then gets out of bed, stumbling over a baseball bat lying next to it. He picks up the bat...the same Willie Mays autograph bat that was encased in glass in his N.Y. apartment. Frightened, Jack drops the bad, looking down at himself for the first time...hes naked... ...a mortified look on his face as he sees the kids on the bed... ...he quickly grabs a pair of sweat pants and a yellow cardigan off the chair and throws them on... Kate, still half asleep, reaches out her hand. KATE Jack...? Jack turns by instinct. Kate grabs him, drawing him near. A look of fear on his face as Kate opens her eyes... Eye contact...Jacks certain hes about to hear her scream... KATE (CONTD) (still groggy) Strong coffee, okay? She lets him go as Jack backs out the door... 25 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE LIVING ROOM - SECONDS LATER A garishly decorated Christmas tree sits in the middle of this messy and disorganized living room, a bevy of gifts underneath and four red stockings over the fireplace. Jack darts to the top of the steps... KATE (O.S.) (calling from the bedroom) Use an entire can if you have to! He looks back at the bedroom, then at the stairs...quickly heading down the CREAKY steps, still in shock. He grabs an overcoat from a hook by the front door...about to step out when he looks down and realizes... ...hes barefoot. He glances at a pair of rubber over- boots sitting by the door, slips them on, just about to leave when... He hears the sound of a KEY TURNING in the door lock...Jack looks at the door, not quite sure what to do... The door opens...into the house, arms laden with wrapped gifts, walk BIG ED and LORRAINE REYNOLDS (both 60s), Kates parents. Big Eds wearing a ten gallon hat and a suede overcoat. Lorraine has a cigarette dangling from her mouth. JACK (drawing on a memory) Ed? Lorraine? Big Ed hugs Jack as best he can with an armful of gifts. BIG ED Jack you ol bird dog. Merry Christmas to ya... Lorraine plants a big fat kiss on Jacks cheek. LORRAINE Talk to him, Jack. Please. One day a year away from the Ponderosa. I dont think thats too much to ask. BIG ED I heard that. This is who I am, woman! (a wink to Jack) Tell her, Jack! Youre the only one who gets me, for gods sake! Jack, still holding the door open, plotting his escape. LORRAINE I need some egg nog... BIG ED Course you do. Hell, its almost 8 a.m. (shouting upstairs) Where are my two lil pardners? Annie! Josh! Giddy up, Bid Eds here! JACK Excuse me. Jack dashes out the door. LORRAINE Where are you going, Jack? (to Big Ed) Wheres he going? BIG ED Damned if I know... They start to remove their coats, when... The door flies back open... JACK Wheres my car?! Wheres my Ferrari!? BIG ED What the hell are you talking about? (to Lorraine) Whats he talking about? JACK Look, can I just borrow your car?! I promise itll be returned! BIG ED The Caddy? Why dont you take your own damn car! LORRAINE Oh just let him borrow your precious Cadillac, for gods sake. Jack spots a set of keys hanging on a hook. BIG ED Hes got a perfectly good mini-van sitting out there in the driveway! Jack grabs the keys off the hook...darts back outside... 26 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Jack emerges from this charming, suburban two-story house, some tasteful Christmas lights decorating a tree in the center of the snow-covered lawn... He races to a blue Dodge mini-van sitting in the driveway, a My Ferrari Is In The Shop sticker on the rear bumper. He climbs into the mini-van and peels out of the driveway... 27 INT. MINI-VAN - SECONDS LATER Jack sees a sign, George Washington Bridge - 3 miles... 28 INT. MINI-VAN - MINUTES LATER Jack driving over the bridge. A sigh of relief as he passes under a sign for Manhattan. 29 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - EARLY MORNING The mini-van pulls up near Jacks apartment building. Jack, still wearing pajamas under the coat, leaps out, running toward the grand entrance where Tony stands sternly in front. JACK Tony, thank god... Jack starts to walk past but Tony blocks the way. TONY THE DOORMAN Sorry, pal. Entrance is for residents and guests only... JACK What are you talking about? Its me, Jack Campbell. Penthouse C. I put you into commercial paper! TONY THE DOORMAN (not moving) Uh-huh... Just then, Mrs. Peterson walks to the door with her little DOG. Tony opens the door for her... JACK Elizabeth Peterson! The little dog starts BARKING ferociously at Jack. MRS. PETERSON (to Tony re: Jack, annoyed) Who is this man? Tony shrugs his shoulders. JACK You know me, Betty. You do. Jack Campbell. Were on the co-op board together. We fought side by side for garbage disposals. Every morning we exchange quasi-sexual witty banter. Think... She looks at Jack with a raised eyebrow, the dog still YAPPING. TONY THE DOORMAN (to Mrs. Peterson) Should I call the cops? Im gonna call the cops... Jack pleads to her with his eyes. MRS. PETERSON (raising a hand to Tony) No... JACK (a sigh of relief) Thank you, Betty. I know if I can just sleep this off, Ill be fine... MRS. PETERSON And sleep you shall. Noblesse oblige is not dead. Not yet anyway...Come, lets get you some help. Surely there must be a shelter somewhere in this city. JACK A shelter?! Im the richest guy in the building...Ive got twice the square footage you have! Mrs. Peterson shakes her head at him, a look of pity on her face. Frustrated, Jack turns and runs back to the mini-van... CUT TO: 30 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - MINUTES LATER Jack pulls up across the street and gets out of the van. Running across the empty plaza toward the building entrance... 31 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Jack bursts through the door, approaching the lobby desk where FRANK the security guard sits. Frank spots Jack and blocks his way. FRANK Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold it right there... JACK Frank. Wheres Alan Mintz? Is he here yet? FRANK Mr. Mintz? (a knowing chuckle) I dont think so...buildings closed pal. Youll have to come back tomorrow. JACK Look, I dont know whats going on here but I am Senior Vice President of this company. FRANK I dont care who you are. Its Christmas and like I told you the building is closed. JACK Maybe youre not hearing me. I am Jack Campbell... (approaching the building directory) Right here. Jack Campbell, President... And then he sees it...ALAN MINTZ - PRESIDENT, listed plain as day on the building director... Jack looks at Frank, then back to the building directory... A pitying look from Frank...Jack stands there, in shock... CHAPTER FIVE - WHATS HAPPENING? 32 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING, PLAZA - MOMENTS LATER ...its desolate... Jack walks through the plaza like a zombie, his face registering nothing. He crosses the street, moving toward the mini-van...oblivious...when... SCREECH...a Ferrari 456M stops within inches of Jacks torso...a VOICE from the car... VOICE (O.S.) Hey! Watch where youre walking! Jack turns...sees the DRIVER low in the seat...cant quite make out the face... VOICE You almost dented my two hundred thousand dollar car! Jack...still stunned...looks at the car, very familiar...the voice of the driver, also familiar... VOICE (CONTD) Thats right! My new cars worth more than your shitty house! A look of realization on Jacks face... VOICE (CONTD) I feel like I really did win the lottery! ...its Cash, and hes in Jacks car... Jack moves over to the passenger window in shock...a smile from Cash... CASH Miss me, Jack? JACK Thats my car! You stole my car! CASH Its a callable asset seized in accordance with the acquisition by-laws of your alt-fate contract... JACK What?! CASH Basically, its my car now. Get in. Cash reaches over and opens the door. Jack hesitates... CASH (CONTD) Look, I dont make the rules, Jack. This is how it works. Get in. Cash gives him a reassuring look. Jack gets in... 33 INT. FERRARI - CONTINUOUS Jack closes the door...Cash joyfully drives off in a burst of acceleration...Jack practically ends up in the back seat... CASH Might wanna fasten your seat belt, Jack... JACK (recovering) What the hell is happening to me?! Jacks freaking out and Cash is enjoying every minute of it. Cash hands Jack a paper bag. Jack starts breathing into the bag. CASH This kinda thing makes a lotta guys throw up. Seen it happen. So if you get the urge, do it out the window. (with a taunting laugh) I dont want you marring this exquisite leather interior... Cash looks over at Jack...hes really losing it, sobbing into the bag...almost hyperventilating...Cash smiles... CASH (CONTD) Look, I dont know what youre getting so worked up about, you did this...you brought this on yourself. JACK Brought what on myself?! I didnt do anything! CASH No? Cmon, Jack...Ive got everything I need, I dont have regrets, thats just not for me... sound familiar? JACK You mean because you thought I was cocky Im now on a permanent acid trip?!! Cash gets a laugh out of Jacks overreaction... CASH Everyone else in that store is a statue, they see their lives passing in front of their eyes, but not you. Youre making a business deal... JACK (enraged) Give me my goddamn life back! CASH You? What about me? Im working hard for you here, Jack. On Christmas too! Now you did a good thing last night, intervening that way. I was moved... JACK (interrupting) Please. Just tell me whats happening to me. In plain English. None of that mumbo jumbo... Cash turns to Jack. CASH Its a glimpse, Jacko. JACK I glimpse? A glimpse of what!? What glimpse?! Glimpse! CASH Look, eventually, everybody gets one...some of em take a couple seconds... (looking at Jack) ...some of em take a lot longer... JACK I asked you a direct question! A glimpse of what?! A look from Cash. CASH Figure it out. You got plenty of time. JACK How much time?! CASH As long as it takes to figure it out. Which, in your case, could be considerable. JACK Look, I just want my life back. Now whats it gonna take? You wanna talk turkey? Lets talk turkey! How much money...? Cash looks at Jack, relishing the moment. He flashes Jack a smile. CASH Do I look like I need your money. It doesnt work like that and I cant tell you why. JACK Why not? CASH Because you got to figure it out for yourself. (beat) Are you listening to me? JACK Figure it out? Figure what out?! Cash just stares at him... JACK (CONTD) Thats it? Thats all I get?! A glare?! CASH Look Jack, in my experience the best way people deal with this is to just relax and breathe through it...let it come to you. Jack faces Cash, simmering...with frustration. JACK Look, I dont have time for this right now. Im in the middle of a deal... CASH Oh youre working on a new deal now...did I mention that? JACK You know what? Ive had it with you. Ive had it with all of this shit... SCREECH...Cash slams on the brakes...practically sending Jack through the windshield. Jack recovers, looks up...the car is parked right next to the mini-van. Cash pulls out a small plastic bag, holding it out to Jack... CASH Here... Jack looks inside the bag, pulls out a BARBIE BICYCLE BELL. He looks at it curiously. JACK Whats this, a signal? Will you come whenever I ring it? CASH Do I look like I live in a bottle? Cash reaches across Jack and opens the door. JACK (lost) But what do I do? CASH Look Jack Im late. Id love to help you out some more but I gotta go handle my business... (gesturing to the mini-van) Happy trails. Jack looks out to the lonely street outside, then back to Cash. JACK Hey, you did this to me, you cant just leave me like this. Cash looks at Jack, the desperation on his face. CASH Fine. You want to know everything, Ill tell you everything. But not here. Lets get some air... Jacks still a little unsure...he sees Cash open the driver side door... JACK (relieved) Thanks, man... Jack gets out of the car...and before he can even turn around, Cashs door SLAMS shut and the car takes off in a blast of horsepower... Jack stands there gazing down the street, listening to the sound of the Ferrari shifting gears, disappearing... The wind whips up...shivering, Jack looks toward the Lassiter Building, then to the plastic bag in his hand, and finally to the mini-van. 34 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE MORNING The blue mini-van snakes through the curved streets of the neighborhood, almost all the houses decorated for Christmas. 35 INT. MINI-VAN - SAME TIME Jacks trying to find the house, a map unfolded on the steering wheel and the cars registration in his hand... He spots ARNIE BENDER, late 30s, carrying an empty science kit box to the trash. His wife, JEANNIE, also late 30s, is getting in a Ford Taurus wagon, a bowl of fruit in hand... Jack pulls up to the curb near Arnie, rolling down the window. JACK Excuse me. Do you know where Merrison Street is? Arnie looks up and sees Jack in the van. ARNIE (turning to his wife) Jeannie! I found Jack! 36 INT. BENDER HOUSE, DEN - A LITTLE LATER Jack follows Arnie into the den of this garishly decorated suburban home, Arnies arm around his shoulder. ARNIE You look terrible... Jack takes in the decor its a male leisure time fantasy old pinball machine, wide screen TV, dart board, and kitschy 50s style bamboo bar... ARNIE (CONTD) Truth is I expected you. Kate called before and asked if I knew where you were. Arnie notices Jacks fascination with the room... ARNIE (CONTD) I know, I moved the Barca-lounger into the corner. Its throwin everybody off. What do you think? JACK (with a nod) Great room... A satisfied smile from Arnie, Jacks approval means something to him. ARNIE You and me, buddy. We know how to live... Arnie shepherds Jack onto a bar stool and pours a drink out of a bamboo bottle holder. ARNIE (CONTD) So Jack, you okay? Jack doesnt respond, his eyes drawn to a softball team photo on the bar...Jack and Arnie kissing a huge trophy with the caption, Plainfield, N.J. Softball League Champs, 1994. ARNIE (CONTD) I mean you leave the house on Christmas morning, you dont tell anyone where youre going... Jack looks over from the photo to Arnie... JACK Were friends, arent we? ARNIE Maybe I dont say it enough but you moving in next door to me... Arnie makes a fist and gestures to his heart. Jack nods. ARNIE (CONTD) Talk to me... A moment of decision for Jack as Arnie stands there, open eyed, ready to listen. JACK Im having kind of a bad day. ARNIE (nodding) I read somewhere that the suicide rate doubles during the holidays... A raised eyebrow from Jack. ARNIE (CONTD) (to himself) What am I saying? You dont need to hear that... (back to Jack) All I meant was a lot of people have a hard time dealing with all the forced reverie, thats all. Is that you? JACK Is it...? ARNIE Trouble at work? JACK I dont think so. ARNIE Its not Kate, is it? Jack pauses at the mention of Kate. Arnies eyes widen... ARNIE (CONTD) (proudly) You see, its like were in each others heads... JACK Kates my wife... Jack looks at Arnie as if hes seeking confirmation. ARNIE (a playful smile) Just keep saying it, Jack, like a mantra. Arnie comes out from behind the bar, taking Jack by the arm. ARNIE (CONTD) Cmon, I better walk ya home. Shes mad enough as it is, right...? 37 EXT. ARNIES YARD - SECONDS LATER Arnie walks Jack through his backyard... ARNIE Look, you fit the profile exactly. Thirties, house, kids, financial responsibilities. You start thinking...this isnt the life I dreamt about. Wheres the romance, wheres the joie de vivre? Suddenly, every lingerie ad in the Newark Star Ledger represents a life you cant have... JACK (thinking, then...) Its just two kids, right? A chuckle from Arnie. ARNIE You made a choice, Jack, a promise to your wife. Maybe sometimes it seems like you gave up the world, but look what you got... They arrive at...the backyard of the Campbell house... cluttered with a swing set, a dog run with chewed up lawn, and a wooden sun deck in the process of being built... ARNIE (CONTD) Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, and a partially finished basement... Jack trips over a wayward BIG WHEEL. ARNIE (CONTD) (shaking his head) Kids... Arnie leads Jack toward the house. ARNIE (CONTD) Okay look, you probably dont want to hear this right now but remember what you told me last summer when I almost had that thing with Arnie Jr.s speech therapist. A blank stare from Jack as they arrive at the sliding glass door...Arnie faces Jack squarely, grabbing his shoulders and looking him in the eye. ARNIE (CONTD) Dont screw up the best thing in your life just because youre a little unsure about who you are. Okay? Arnie gives Jack a comforting smie... ARNIE (CONTD) God, it feels so good to finally give something back to you... Arnie turns Jack toward the door and slides it open. ARNIE (CONTD) Im gonna hug you now... Arnie gives Jack a gentle hug...then gives him a little push toward the door... 38 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, DEN - CONTINUOUS Jack steps inside. He turns back to the door but Arnies gone. Then, Kate enters the room, holding a portable phone... KATE (into phone) Hold on a second... She cups the receiver. Jack looks at her, shes dressed now, nothing fancy but she looks great. JACK You cut your hair... A curious look from Kate. KATE Ten years ago... Kate just stands there looking at Jack, giving away nothing. KATE (CONTD) Are you okay? JACK Yeah...fine. She gives him a resolute nod, then... KATE (into phone) Never mind, he just walked in... Jack grimaces as she resolutely hangs up the phone then stares him down angrily. KATE (CONTD) Do you have any idea what you put us through today?! You walk out of here at 7:30 in the morning, dont tell me where youre going, or even that youre going, and I dont see you til hours later. I had state troopers looking for you! I called hospitals... (pointing at the phone) ...I was just on the phone with the morgue for gods sake! Jack watches her vent, the frustration on his face building. KATE (CONTD) What kind of man leaves his family on Christmas morning without a word about where hes going? Jacks almost to a breaking po INT. KATE (CONTD) What kind of man does that!? JACK (jumping in) I dont know! Please stop yelling at me! She looks at him curiously. KATE Where were you? JACK I was in the city. KATE The city? New York City? Why? JACK Because thats where I live. KATE Jack...dont even start... JACK Look, you dont understand. I woke up here...and this is very strange ...this is not my house... A raised eyebrow from Kate. Jack moves around the room... JACK (CONTD) (pointing upstairs) Im not Dad.... Kate, youre not my wife... Kate looks him over, assessing, then... KATE You know what, Jack? Its not funny this time. Im really angry. She stares him down, expecting an answer. But he has no answer. KATE (CONTD) (loudly) Jack! Jack takes the bell out of the plastic bag that Cash gave him, holds it up in front of her and starts RINGING it furiously. Then...Annie rides into the room on her new bike. ANNIE (re: bell) Whats that? Jack watches as she pedals over, reaches into his hand and takes the bicycle bell... ANNIE (CONTD) (examining the bell) I like this... (jumping up and giving hima peck on the cheek) ...thanks, Dad! Annie rides excitedly out of the room on her bike. Leaving Jack and Kate alone again... KATE You missed the whole thing, Jack. The pancakes, the presents...you spent six hours putting that bike together and you didnt even get to see the look on Annies face when she opened it... Jack sees the disappointment on her face... KATE (CONTD) You missed Christmas, Jack. Jack looks down, almost ashamed...he relents, giving in to the moment... JACK Im...Im sorry. Kate looks at him. He seems sincere enough... KATE Look, we dont have time for this right now, well talk about it later. Now get dressed... (pointing to his outfit) Youre not wearing that to the Thompsons party. I dont care how hilarious you think it is... JACK Party? Oh no, I cant go to a party... KATE You look forward to this party all year. Whats with you today? JACK Trust me on this Kate. I really dont think going to a party is the right move for me at the present time. Kate looks at him a moment, then shakes her head. KATE Fine. Do whatever you want. She picks up the phone, starts dialing... JACK What are you doing? KATE Telling my mother she doesnt have to stay with the kids. JACK Why not? KATE Because youll be here. Kate just looks at him. JACK Ill be ready in ten minutes. He walks past her...toward a hallway door, Kate watching him... He opens the door...its a closet. JACK (CONTD) Christ... (turning around) Where the hell is the bathroom? KATE Funny, Jack. Im laughing on the inside. 39 INT. BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER The light comes on... Jack walks in, looks in the mirror, determined to collect himself...but somethings not right... He glances around...the bathroom is small and its cluttered with Kates razors, loofah, skin creams... ...none of this stuff is his... ...he looks in the mirror again, his face revealing a forlorn sense of displacement... ...he stares at himself until...he starts to lose it... anger, confusion...sadness...finally, he begins breaking down... After a moment, he turns on the water, rinsing his face... 40 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, BEDROOM CLOSET - MINUTES LATER Jack at the closet door, looking at a row of Hagar slacks, Docker sport coats and imitation leather shoes... He reaches in and touches the fabric on one of the sport coats. JACK This is just... (searching for the words) ...this is sub-par... Annie appears at the bedroom door, watching Jack at the closet. He turns...sees Annie watching him...a look exchanged... then, Annie runs away... Jack turns back to the closet and mournfully takes a pair of the slacks... 41 EXT. THOMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT Jack and Kate, a casserole dish in her hand, walk up the path to this tacky but large house, its outside decorated with the most garish display of Christmas decorations this side of Pasaic. Kate RINGS the doorbell... EVELYN THOMPSON, 30s, wearing a dress thats a bit too tight and a bit too low cut, opens the door... EVELYN Kate! Jack! (turning around, to guests) Everybody, Jack and Kate are here! Jack looks right past her...to the house filled with 50 GUESTS. A loud WHOOP from the guests...Jack has the look of a condemned man on his face as he follows Kate inside... 41A INT. THOMPSON HOUSE - CONTINUOUS As Kate heads into the living room, Evelyn takes Jacks arm... EVELYN (suggestively) Like the dress...? JACK (glancing at it) Its lovely... EVELYN (a satisfied smile) I thought I saw you notice it at the kids recital. Jack shoots her a confused look...then walks in, trying to catch up with Kate... 42 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER The party is in full swing, Christmas music in the b.g., GUESTS talking, laughing, drinking egg nog... Jacks eyes dart around the room...its large, neater than his and Kates house but still very lived in...The Thompson KIDS run in and out of the room, playing with new toys... nobody is wearing or eating anything imported from Europe, but everyones having a good time... ...everyone except for Jack, standing with Arnie and THE GUYS, having his ear chewed off by NICK CARELLI, a walking advertisement for Levis Cotton Dockers... NICK Did you see Van Horn last night? This kids gonna single-handedly save basketball in the state of New Jersey... JACK The Nets? Youre kidding, right...? Nick looks at him in disbelief. JACK (CONTD) (recovering) Well...theyre certainly due. BILL KRAMER, a huge pile of fried chicken wings on his plate, tugs at Jacks shirt. BILL KRAMER So tomorrows the big day, Jackie... JACK Okay...why? BILL KRAMER Triple bypass. Im going under the knife. I told you, didnt I? JACK Triple bypass? (pointing to his plate) You really think you should be eating all that? BILL KRAMER Why not? I figure Im going in for a cleaning tomorrow, I might as well load up on the fried stuff tonight... ARNIE Good thinking, Bill. Have another drink. (whispering to Jack) Hell be lucky if he lives through the night... Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a packet of Dutch Masters cigars. He shows them to Jack, Jack nods politely. Nick eagerly hands him one... Nick lights Jacks cigar, then his own...enjoying that first puff...smiling at Jack...Jack dutifully takes a puff of the cigar...nods back at Nick...but its an effort... Evelyn Thompson approaches, a tray of MUSHROOM PUFFS in hand... EVELYN (holding out a puff to Jack) Finger food...? JACK I dont think so, thank you... EVELYN (suggestively) Cmon, as soon as I put them down, youre gonna grab a couple...you always do... Kate sees Evelyn and Jack from her position on the other side of the room...Kate watches as... Evelyn holds the puff up to Jacks mouth, slowly putting it near his lips... EVELYN (CONTD) Let me. Theyll melt in your mouth... He instinctively opens his mouth as Evelyn pushes the treat inside... EVELYN (CONTD) Good? On Jacks face...if freezer burn were a facial expression, this would be it... JACK (forcing a smile) Theyre great! Thank you! ...Evelyn licks her fingers suggestively then hands Jack the entire tray with a sexy smile... A raised eyebrow from Kate, still watching... EVELYN Mushroom puffs arent the only thing I do well... JACK Well do whatever it is you do well, and just...just do it. Excuse me... Evelyn nods as Jack walks toward the staircase... Kate follows Jack with her eyes as he climbs the stairs... 43 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE, DEN - NIGHT Jack is sitting on the arm of a couch filled with guests coats, talking on a FOOTBALL SHAPED telephone...the tray of mushroom puffs on the table... JACK (loudly, into phone) ...what do you mean he wont come to the phone?! (standing, indignant) Do you realize how much money Ive made for that sonuvabitch in the last eight years?! Click. A dial tone. Jack slams the phone down... JACK (CONTD) Damnit! He slams the phone again...and again...and again... KATE (O.S.) Jack...? Jack turns, sees Kate standing in the doorway, watching him take his frustrations out on the phone, concern on her face. KATE Are you sure youre okay...? A forced smile from Jack. JACK Yes, Im fine. Its just this god awful football phone! Who has a phone like this anyway?! KATE (doubtful) Uh huh... Kate notices the tray of mushroom puffs on the table. KATE (CONTD) You must really love Evelyns mushroom puffs, huh? (with a wink) You know theyre not real... She turns and leaves...Jack looks at her, confused... 44 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Jack comes down the stairs, a lost look in his eyes. He looks across the room and sees... Kate, with a group of GUESTS, looking great in her jeans and white blouse, the center of attention. Jack passes through the guests, people waving to him, slapping him on the back as he approaches Kate... He catches Kates eye...she gives him a subtle smile. KATE (to guests) ...then she asks me to put this sweater on. What choice do I have, right? Jack watches as Kate charms the crowd... KATE (CONTD) But as Im slipping it on I notice shes misspelled the word lawyers. (laughing) I had to go through the entire day wearing a hand embroidered sweater that said, Non-Profit Layers Do It For Free. The guests laugh again. Even Jack finds himself laughing, until... JACK (to Kate, off-hand) So youre a lawyer...? A chuckle from the group. Kates confused. JACK (CONTD) A non-profit lawyer... People are starting to LAUGH. KATE (a little embarrassed) Jack... JACK Pro bono. You dont get paid at all. Nobody makes a dime. Well, bravo... Blank stares from everyone, including Kate... CUT TO: 45 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, FOYER - LATE NIGHT Kate and Jack walk in the front door...the dog greets them happily, jumping up on Jack, a weary look on his face. KATE I better go wake my mother... Kate grabs a leash off a hook and hands it to Jack. KATE (CONTD) Here you go... JACK Youre kidding me... KATE Shes your dog, Jack. JACK No, shes not. KATE Fine, shes the kids dog. Lets go wake Josh, see if he wants to walk her. JACK But its twenty degrees outside... KATE (sympathetic) Youre having a bad day, Ill go with you...actually, theres no way in hell youre gettin me back out there... Jack looks at the dogs face. Lucy couldnt be more excited. Finally, Jack shakes his head and takes the leash. KATE (CONTD) (heading up the stairs) Make sure you reward her verbally when she does a number two... CUT TO: 46 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE NIGHT The sound of CRICKETS. Jack, wearing a down jacket, is being dragged down the street by Lucy, his breath condensing in the cold winter air. The dog sniffs at a hydrant and a couple of garbage cans, but isnt doing her business. JACK Figure it out...Im s crewed...dont have to be a genius to figure that out... The dog stops, sniffing at a manicured lawn... JACK (CONTD) (to Lucy) Its as good a place as any... But the dog keeps moving, pulling Jack with her. JACK (CONTD) ...but obviously not up to your high standards... (to himself) Okay...he said youre working on a new deal now...fine, youve done a thousand deals, whats the first thing you do? Lucys sniffing around someones Christmas display but Jacks too wrapped up in his thought process to notice. JACK (CONTD) Triage. Its your signature. You survey the damage, find out everything you can, you probe, leave nothing to chance. Im just gonna have to go detective. How did you get Mentadent? You learned everything there was to know about toothpaste and then you pounced... Jack narrows his eyes, thinking about that deal... JACK (CONTD) Thats our play here... Resolute, Jack turns to the dog. JACK (CONTD) If you could take a dump some time in this century, then we could go home where its warm... Jack looks around at the unfamiliar houses... JACK (CONTD) That is if I can even remember how to get home... (to Lucy) You remember, dont you girl? But the dog ignores him, dragging Jack along... 47 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Kate is in bed, fast asleep. Jack walks into the room, his face still red from the cold outside. He looks over at Kate, sleeping happily. He takes off his shirt and khakis, laying them neatly on the chair. He looks over at the pair of flannel pajamas folded on the dresser. He shakes his head, resigned, then dons the pajamas and climbs into bed... CHAPTER SIX - BEING A PARENT 48 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - MORNING Morning light streams into the room. The clock reads, 7:14. Jack opens his eyes a burst of light hitting them from the window...like the morning light in his Manhattan loft... He reaches across the bed...its empty... A smile of hope from Jack as he puts his head back on the pillow...maybe it was only a day...Then... The sound of a baby CRYING from the next room...A pained look on Jacks face as he realizes hes still in Jersey. Now the baby is WAILING...Jack lies still a moment, hoping itll stop...it doesnt. Then, he hears the sound of the SHOWER TURN ON in the bathroom. He gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom... 49 INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS The shower is running, a tape player is BLASTING Beast of Burden. Kate is in the shower SINGING LOUDLY with the song... JACK Hello? No answer... JACK (CONTD) (louder, over music) Hello! KATE (singing) ...my feet are hurtin... JACK (yelling) HEY! Finally, the music is turned down and Kate pulls the shower curtain open... Jack sees her naked body...raises an eyebrow...thats something hes missed...then... JACK (CONTD) Uh...that babys crying... KATE (unimpressed) And...? ...her expression makes Jack turn his gaze from her naked body. KATE (CONTD) Dont give me that look, Jack, Tuesdays your day and you know it. And try to get Josh to day care on time, okay? He missed the macaroni painting last week... She closes the curtain and turns the radio back up. CUT TO: 50 INT. JOSHS ROOM - MORNING Annies watching from a baby-size Laz-E-Boy lounger as... Jack, in a robe, stands in front of a changing table, Josh laying happily on his back, playing with a set of plastic keys. Jack takes a fresh Huggies diaper and puts it next to the baby. He surveys Josh, scratching his chin and rubbing his hands like Indiana Jones. Josh playfully grabs at Jacks nose. He looks over to Annie. Shes still staring at him like hes a Martian. He looks at the instructions on the box of Huggies. JACK Pull tape... Jack searches the diaper for the tabs of tape, then gingerly pulls them apart, releasing the diaper from the babys bottom, and seeing whats inside. JACK (CONTD) Holy mother of god! Jack holds the diaper out away from him, searching for a place to put it. Annie points to a Diaper Genie by the dresser. Jack throws the diaper in, then quickly replaces the lid. Annie points to the container of Baby Wipes. JACK (CONTD) You must be kidding... Annie stares at him a beat. Then... ANNIE Youre not really our dad, are you? Jack turns to her. Shes looking back at him with complete earnestness. They stare at each other another moment. Then... JACK No, Im not. A look of curiosity from Annie. JACK (CONTD) I work on Wall Street, you know with the big buildings...? No response from Annie... JACK (CONTD) I live in an apartment house with a doorman, I can buy just about anything I want... Annie nods at Jack, still suspicious. JACK (CONTD) This isnt my real life. Its just a glimpse... ANNIE Wheres my real dad? JACK I dont know... A concerned look on Annies face, Jacks petrified that shes about to cry. JACK (CONTD) But dont worry, he loves you and Im sure hell be back very soon... (to himself) ...very, very soon... Annie approaches Jack, climbing up on a little chair and tugging firmly at his hair. ANNIE They did a pretty good job. JACK Who did? ANNIE The aliens...In the mother ship. You look just like him. JACK Uhh...thanks...slightly better looking though, right? Annies now stone faced, trying to decide about Jack. JACK (CONTD) Youre not going to start crying, are you? Because Im not really sure I could deal with that right now. She thinks about it for a moment. ANNIE Do you like kids? JACK On a case by case basis... ANNIE You know how to make chocolate milk? JACK I think I could figure it out. ANNIE You promise not to kidnap me and my brother and implant stuff in our brains? JACK Sure. Beat. Then...a smile from Annie. ANNIE Welcome to earth. 51 INT. MINI-VAN - MORNING Jacks driving, Annie buckled in the front seat... Josh, in the baby seat, looks like he was dressed by monkeys his shirt buttons are off by one, and theyre clearly supposed to be in the back. ANNIE Stop here... Jack stops the van outside the Playland Day Care Center. ANNIE (CONTD) This is day care. Its where babies go when their parents are at work. JACK Check... He gets out of the van... 52 EXT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS ...he pulls Josh out and walks quickly toward the building, holding the baby away from his body. He gets to the door and holds Josh out to the DAY CARE LADY. She stares at Joshs outfit... JACK Do I get a receipt or something...? The woman looks at Jack like hes crazy. 53 EXT. YMCA - A FEW MINUTES LATER The mini-van pulls up to the drop-off point at this suburban New Jersey Y. Annie opens the door. ANNIE I have winter camp until four, then ballet until five thirty. JACK Five thirty. Okay. ANNIE Try not to be late because kids dont like to be the last one picked up. JACK Got it. Good tip. ANNIE Bye... CHAPTER SEVEN - A TIRE SALESMAN Jack watches her as she runs toward the building. Then... JACK (calling out window) Hey! Annie! Annie turns back toward him. JACK (CONTD) Where do I go now? ANNIE Big Eds. JACK Big Eds? Big Eds Tires? (suspicious) Why...? ANNIE Thats where you work. A beat. Then... JACK You mean I sell tires... She shrugs her shoulders and walks off. JACK (CONTD) Thats what I do. Im a tire salesman... CUT TO: 54 INT. MINI-VAN - A LITTLE LATER Jacks driving down a busy commercial street when he spots something a hundred yards down the road... JACK Good Lord... ...a huge, three-story-tall plastic likeness of Big Ed Reynolds, ten gallon hat, lassoing a tire... 55 EXT. BIG EDS TIRES - MOMENTS LATER Jack approaches Big Eds from the parking lot...slowly, taking it all in... Its like a Pep Boys with a Texas theme. A big retail store for tires and auto parts, and a repair bay for everything from alignments to brake jobs... Jack walks to the tire bay where HECTOR, 40s, a Guatemalan mechanic in grease-stained coveralls, stands with TOMMY the salesman. TOMMY Hey Jack, you happen to know the stock number on those new Michelin X1's? JACK Uh...lemme get back to you on that one... (looking at his name tag) Tommy... HECTOR (to Tommy) Thomas, why you bother Jack about that. Look it up yourself... (to Jack) Okay Jack, we talk later... Jack nods amiably then continues into the store... 56 INT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS Jack walks in...looks around...the store is teeming with activity, a post-holiday sale in progress... Big Ed, in his signature ten gallon hat, sees Jack from behind the counter... BIG ED Jack my boy! You are looking mighty worse for the wear...Hey, guess who I played bridge with two nights ago...? Jack stares blankly at Big Ed... BIG ED (CONTD) Hell, youll never guess. One Sydney Potter. Thats Sydney Potter, Chief Executive Officer of BuyRite Transport. Only the third largest trucking company in the state. I even let the sonuvabitch win, which wasnt easy because the guys been bashed in the head by Teamsters so many times his brains like porridge. Anyhoo, hes looking for a new parts supplier... we can handle that kind of volume, right? Jack considers this briefly. JACK Im gonna have to get back to you on that...Ed. Big Ed makes a gun gesture with his forefinger, winking at Jack, then turns back to the activity at the counter as... Jack spots KENNY, a very young sales associate, walking by. He reaches out and taps Kenny on the shoulder. JACK (CONTD) Do I have a private office somewhere in the building? KENNY Uh...sure Jack... (nervously pointing) Right back there... JACK Thank you. Jack walks into the office with his name on the door... 57 INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Theres no Stairmaster here, no leather sofa or bar...its small, cramped and cluttered, the walls littered with tire inventory and price lists... Jack takes a slow, sad lap around the office. He makes it to the small wooden desk at the far end of the room and sits down behind it... On the desk are photos of Jack, Kate and the kids, a plastic Michelin Man model, a tire-themed day calendar and a small plastic figurine of a BOWLER, the word, Bowlers Do It In An Alley embossed on its base... He surveys the desktop briefly, then opens the top drawer, finding a personal checkbook and looking inside... He sees the bottom line and winces, then puts it back... Jack picks up the Bowlers Do It In An Alley figurine and gives it a good look... JACK Bowlers do it in an alley?...Non profit lawyers do it for free... what is it with these people? Dont they realize this refers to sex? He replaces the figurine then opens the bottom drawer where he spots a bottle of Glenfiddich. He lifts it out... JACK (CONTD) At least you splurged on some decent scotch... He takes a paper cup and pours himself a shot. He drinks it down in one gulp and then crumples up the cup, throwing it toward the NETS basketball hoop/garbage can near the door. He misses... He looks more closely at the photographs...most are family photos, a happy Jack with Kate, with Annie at the pony rides, at Joshs birth...in every one of them, Jack is smiling... JACK (CONTD) (to Jack in the photo) What are you smiling about...? He turns his head...spots a small plaque on the wall behind him. It reads, Jack Campbell - E.F. Hutton #1 Junior Sales Associate, 1988. Jack raises an eyebrow... JACK (CONTD) Number one...not bad. He grabs it off the wall and looks at it more carefully... JACK (CONTD) 1988...? I was in London in 1988... Jacks jarred into reality... JACK (CONTD) (to Jack in the photo) You never went to London... (picking up the photo) ...you never got on that plane... He stays there a moment...in shock. Then... The P.A. system comes to life... ESTELLE (over P.A.) Jack to mag wheels...Jack, youre needed in mag wheels, customer waiting! CUT TO: 58 INT. BIG EDS TIRES, MAIN FLOOR - MINUTES LATER Kenny leading Jack toward the Mag Wheels section. JACK ...I was the number one junior sales associate at E.F. Hutton in 1988. Did you know that? KENNY No, I didnt...thats great. JACK Thats the kind of thing you can really build on... KENNY Uh huh... JACK I mean sales has always been a feeder for M and A, always... They approach Mag Wheels where TOMMY, a slick sales associate, stands with a CUSTOMER looking at the displays... KENNY Here we are, mag wheels... (a little concerned) Hey Jack, are you sure youre okay? JACK Well, Im just a little confused right now about why I work here... Kenny looks at him nervously. KENNY Uh...I just started here last Tuesday. Jack nods compassionately. Kenny takes off leaving Jack alone with his thoughts as Tommy approaches with the customer. TOMMY (to the customer) So youre all set on the Skip Shift eliminator and the Brembo rotors. Jacks our point man on alloy wheels... JACK (turning to Tommy) Do you know why do I work here...? TOMMY Because youre the best damn tire guy in the state of New Jersey... (proudly, to the customer) Jack taught me everything I know about the business... The customer nods, impressed. JACK I taught you the business? Another nod to the customer. TOMMY And hes a crack-up. JACK Everything I taught you. I want to hear it all, right now. Tommys confused. CUSTOMER Hey, Im ready to buy here... JACK (to the customer) What do you want? CUSTOMER I want some alloy wheels. Jack grabs one of the alloy rims off the shelf, holding it out to the customer. JACK Here. These are great. Youll need four. The customer takes the wheel from Jack, looks at it confused... CUSTOMER But I dont like these... JACK Hey, you heard the guy, Im the best damn tire guy in the state of New Jersey. (turning to Tommy) Everything. TOMMY Okay... (hesitating) Rule number one, the customer is always right... A satisfied smirk from the customer. 59 INT. BIG EDS TIRES, JACKS OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON Jack is behind his desk, his tie loosened, on the phone... JACK (into phone) ...I have no idea what our inventory level is, thats why Im asking you... A KNOCK at the door... JACK (CONTD) Look, just send us what you sent us last month, okay...? And keep doing that until further notice... He hangs up the phone as the door opens. Big Ed sticks his head in... BIG ED Got a minute, Jack? JACK Ive got all the time in the world... Big Ed walks in, followed by SYDNEY POTTER, 60s, a tough looking man... BIG ED Jack, meet Sydney Potter, BuyRite Transport, one of Jerseys top businessmen... Potter extends a hand, Jack rises from his chair, trying to place the name. Then... JACK ...and a helluva bridge player. Eds told me a lot about you... They shake hands. Potter nods his head at Jack, immediately impressed. Big Ed is beaming. POTTER (in a heavy Jersey accent) Lucky in cards, lucky in business, lucky in love. My cup runneth over... (to Big Ed) Hes a nice looking boy... BIG ED My daughters no slouch either... A smile from Potter, then a serious look. POTTER Lets cut to the chase, Jack. Big Ed tells me youre the grease that makes the wheels turn around here. I need a new parts supplier for my fleet. You seem to have the parts. That we know. What we dont know is why the hell I should buy them from you. Potter stares Jack down. But Jacks not about to be intimidated by him. He pauses, matching Potters stare. Then... JACK I have no idea... A surprised look from Potter. An anxious laugh from Big Ed. BIG ED (nervous) Cmon Jack... JACK (to Potter) I mean it. From what I can tell, were a mom and pop operation, were already over-extended in sales, and any price advantage we could offer would easily be matched by a larger supplier... Jack continues to stare down Potter. JACK (CONTD) So like I said, I dont have any idea why you should buy your parts from us... The staring match continues. Big Eds getting more nervous. Potters the first to blink. POTTER Okay, you got my attention... JACK Except for rule number one... Jack smiles. JACK (CONTD) The customer is always right. A cliché? Sure. The difference is, we mean it. Were small, we need our customers. We cant afford to disappoint them, ever. Yeah, you could go to some leviathan supplier, probably save a few pennies on the price of oil filters, but with us you get more than a supplier, you get a bridge partner... A smile from Potter. Jack gives Ed a wink. Ed watches, thrilled... JACK (CONTD) You want to bid hearts, were right there with you. You feel the need to redouble, youre not going to get any argument from us... Potter nods at Jack. Jack moves in for the kill. JACK (CONTD) The big guys may have the high cards, but you know as well as I do, Sydney, high cards dont always take the trick. Potter pauses a minute, then... POTTER (to Big Ed, re: Jack) I like him... Big Ed smiles, letting out a relieved sigh. BIG ED (a wink to Jack) Thats my boy... (an arm around Potter) Cmon, lemme show you the rest of the ranch... Big Ed and Potter exit the office... BIG ED (CONTD) (turning back to Jack) Nice shootin, Jack... ...leaving Jack there with a satisfied smile on his face. 60 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT Jack is in bed watching CNBC...On the TV a young woman REPORTER at the anchors desk... CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) ...advancers led decliners by a nine to four ratio and the closing tick was a mildly bullish plus seventy six. Much of the markets action today was fueled by the latest round of merger mania to hit Wall Street... The Global Health Systems and MedTech logos appear on a graphic in the corner of the screen... CNBC REPORTER (CONTD, ON T.V.) ...when Global Health Systems and MedTech Pharmaceutical announced their intentions to join forces in a massive one hundred and twenty two billion dollar stock swap deal. Though neither side expressed significant regulatory concerns at the announcement press conference, it is believed that both the FDA and the FTC will be closely scrutinizing the marriage, the largest ever in the health care industry. When asked about possible anti- competitive implications, Global Chairman Bob Thomas referred reporters to P.K. Lassiter and Company President Alan Mintz, the original architect behind the deal... Jack stares in shock as the image changes to a super confident looking Mintz shaking Bob Thomas hand at the press conference. CNBC REPORTER (CONTD, ON T.V.) Ironically, Mintz first met Thomas at a Lamaze class... JACK A Lamaze class...!? CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) ...while coaching their pregnant wives, Mintz and T homas struck up a dialogue about the need for consolidation in the rapidly growing health care industry and two months later, the deal with MedTech was born... JACK What?! Thats my deal? CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) In other business news, U.S. Labor Department officials announced today that two hundred and seventy-five thousand new jobs were created last month, twenty-five thousand less than economists were predicting, leading to a mild rally in the bond markets before midday. But as the trading session drew to a close, the profit takers stepped in and the long bond closed at ninety seven even, up only two ticks, the yield inching down to six point zero seven percent... Kate comes into the room from the hallway wearing only Jacks NYU sweatshirt... KATE The kids are asleep... She goes over to the window and draws the blinds. Jack looks up at her, nods, then goes back to the TV. KATE (CONTD) Jack. I said the kids are asleep... JACK (distracted) Well thats just great...those little monkeys can be a real handful... Kate shuts off the TV. JACK (CONTD) Hey! I was watching that! KATE I thought we had a deal about you watching CNBC in bed. JACK Im working on a new deal now... Kate throws a Kate Bushs The Sensual World into the CD player. KATE Fine, but not tonight... She climbs onto the bed, a seductive look on her face. JACK Wait a second. You want me, dont you? KATE That is the general idea, yes... Kate starts kissing him...but Jacks a little uncomfortable with the sudden intimacy...he pulls back, a little nervous. JACK Shouldnt we grab some dinner first? Maybe a bottle of wine...? KATE Its ten thirty, Jack. By eleven youre gonna be sprawled out on the bed snoring your head off. We dont have time for wining and dining. JACK Whatever you say...honey. She starts kissing him again...but this time he just goes with it, and as her hands run through his hair hes brought back to a different time and place... Jack momentarily pulls back and looks at her...its like the first time hes really looked at her in eleven years... JACK (CONTD) God...youre beautiful... She smiles at him, almost uncomfortable with the compliment... KATE Thanks, Jack... JACK No, Im serious...youre really stunning... KATE This is good stuff, Jack, keep it coming... JACK I mean back in college, you were a very pretty girl, theres no question about that. But this... (lost in her) ...youve really grown into a beautiful woman... Jack stares at her, entranced...Kate pulls back, reacting to the intensity in his stare... KATE How can you do that? JACK (nervous) Do what? KATE Look at me like you havent seen me every day for the last twelve years... Jack freezes. Theres love in her eyes but its not meant for him... She kisses him... KATE (CONTD) Dont move. She gets up off the bed and heads for the bathroom... He looks around...not sure what to do...Finally... He turns onto his side and closes his eyes... Kate emerges from the bathroom, she sees Jack on the bed, hears his breathing heavy with sleep... At once charmed and disappointed, Kate sighs. She turns off the CD player and heads into bed. She pulls the covers up over Jack, shutting off the light... She puts an arm around him, kissing him sweetly on the neck... KATE (CONTD) night, honey... Close in on Jacks face...turned away from Kate...he opens his eyes...looks down at her arm...loneliness on his face... CHAPTER EIGHT - THE MENS DEPARTMENT DISSOLVE TO: 61 EXT. MALL - DAY Its mid-January and all signs of the Christmas season are gone except for the snow on the ground in the busy parking lot. 62 INT. MACYS, MENS DEPT. - DAY Kate, pushing Josh in the stroller and holding Annies hand, passing through the Mens Dept., Jack lagging behind, a bevy of shopping bags in hand and a beleaguered look on his face. KATE (back to Jack) Were almost done here... ANNIE Mary Janes, Mom. You promised. KATE Thats right. Okay, lets make a quick stop at the kids shoe department, pick up my watch from the battery place, then Ill run into the linen store... An unhappy look on Jacks face. JACK Why dont we just go to all the stores?! Kate looks back at Jack. JACK (CONTD) Every single store in this godforsaken shopping mall. We can go to them all. Kate gives him a look. Then... KATE You know what, Jack?! Ill go with the kids. Why dont you just hang out here in the mens department... okay? Jack glances at the Mens Dept., sighs and gives Kate a nod. She takes off with the kids...and then he sees it... ...the Zegna section. Hes drawn to the neat rows of beautiful suits like a moth to the light... He approaches the rack, pulls out a dark green suit, gently touching the soft wool. SALESMAN (O.S.) Its perfect for your frame... Jack turns and sees a SALESMAN standing behind him. SALESMAN Would you like to try it on? CUT TO: 63 INT. MACYS MENS DEPT. - A LITTLE LATER Jack, at a mirror wearing the Zegna suit. It is perfect for his frame. The color is spectacular, the line is dazzling. Jack looks in the mirror, shutting everything else out... its like hes seeing his old self... KATE (O.S.) You look amazing in that suit... Jack snaps out of his trance. He sees Kate standing behind him, Annie and Josh happily playing a few feet away. KATE I mean...wow...off the charts great. JACK Its an unbelievable thing. Wearing this suit actually makes me feel like a better person. (taking one final look) Im gonna buy it... Kate raises an eyebrow, then looks at the price tag. KATE $2,400?! Are you out of your mind? JACK (pointing to Annies new Mary Janes) She got those shoes... KATE Those shoes were twenty five dollars. Cmon, take it off. Well go to the food court and get one of those funnel cakes you like. Jack looks at her...its a moment of decision. JACK No. Kate looks at Jack, a little surprised. KATE No? JACK Do you have any idea what my life is like? KATE Excuse me? JACK I wake up in the morning covered in dog saliva...I drop the kids off, spend eight hours selling tires retail...retail, Kate. Kate just stands here, aghast... JACK (CONTD) I pick up the kids, walk the dog, which by the way, carries the added bonus of carting away her monstrous crap...I play with the kids, take out the garbage, get six hours of sleep if Im lucky, and then it starts all over again...and why is it that I always have to drive everyone everywhere? I spend practically my entire day in that slow as hell mini-van listening to Raffi tapes and trying to figure out how the cup holders work...Im sick of it. KATE Really. JACK Whats in it for me? Where are my Mary Janes? Kate stares at him, shaking her head... KATE Its sad to hear your life is such a disappointment to you, Jack. JACK I cant believe its not a disappointment to you! (letting it all out) Jesus, Kate, I couldve been a thousand times the man I became. How could you do this to me? How could you let me give up on my dreams like this?! Kate stares at him in disbelief. Then... KATE Who are you? Kates words pierce Jack...he has to avert his eyes. JACK (lowering his voice) Look, Im sorry. Im sorry I was such a saint before and Im such a prick now. Maybe Im just not the same guy I was when we got married... KATE Maybe youre not. The Jack Campbell I married wouldnt need a $2400 suit to make himself feel better about his life, but if thats what its gonna take, then buy it. Just buy the goddamn suit ...we can take the money out of the kids college fund. They stare at each other for a moment...a stand-off... JACK Forget it... (taking off the jacket) Well get a funnel cake. Itll be the highlight of my week... 64 EXT. NEW JERSEY ROAD - NIGHT The blue mini-van makes its way down this road... 65 INT. MINI-VAN - NIGHT Theres an icy silence in the car...Jack is behind the wheel, Kate next to him looking out the window, anger on her face... CHAPTER NINE - REMINISCING Jack checks the rear-view mirror, sees Annie and Josh in the back, both asleep... JACK (to Kate) Listen, Im sorry about that back in the store. I really dont want to fight with you... Kate just keeps looking out the window. JACK (CONTD) But you must sometimes wonder how we ended up here. I mean back in college, did you see us... (looking around) ...here...? She turns to him. KATE Ill give you this, life has thrown us a few surprises... A glimmer in Jacks eye... JACK It really has, hasnt it? So if you had to...what would you say was the biggest surprise? She glances at the kids sleeping in the back. KATE Well...Annie for one. JACK Surprise. Were pregnant... (a laugh) Yeah...that mustve been...I mean that was very unexpected. But what are you gonna do, right? KATE I think it worked out okay, dont you? JACK Sure. I really like Annie. KATE Good, Jack. Maybe well keep her. JACK No, I love Annie. We had a lot of good times, didnt we? KATE We were young... (a nostalgic smile) Remember that little place on Charles Street we used to go to? JACK Charles Street? In the Village? When we were living in Greenwich Village...? (off her nod) Great times. Whyd we ever leave? KATE You cant really raise a kid in an apartment in the Village... Jack nods, starting to piece it together. KATE (CONTD) The trek out to the hospital every day didnt help either... (looking at him) You were great. Surviving the heart attack was one thing... JACK You had a heart attack? KATE (a laugh) Jack, stop that. I'm still mad at you... (a sigh) ...who knows what wouldve happened if you hadnt stepped in at the store. JACK Thats why I work for Big Ed? A look from Kate. JACK (CONTD) (recovering) I mean, thats why I work for Big Ed... Jack looks out at the road a moment, piecing it all together in his mind. JACK (CONTD) (almost to himself) So we had a baby, Big Ed had a heart attack, we b ought that house, and Ive been working for him ever since...Sayonara, Wall Street. Kate looks at him a little strangely. JACK (CONTD) (turning to her) Our life in a nutshell... KATE If you want to look at it that way... JACK How would you look at it? She glances again at the kids in the back seat, then at Jack. KATE A great success story... A smile from Jack. He admires her outlook even if he cant bring himself to share it. DISSOLVE TO: 66 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - EVENING A crowded suburban New Jersey bowling alley... Jack stands at a lane holding a bowling ball, the nickname The Hammer emblazoned over his bowling shirt pocket...He approaches the line and throws the ball down the lane... Its ugly...The ball caroms off the hardwood into the gutter. JACK Damn... ARNIE (O.S., from behind) Jesus, Jack, this is a league match, for gods sake! Jack turns. Arnie and the BOWLING TEAM are in the scorekeeping area watching Jack make a mockery of the sport. Jack scowls. ARNIE (CONTD) Wheres your follow through? Wheres your stance? JACK Hey, Im doing the best I can... (under his breath) Id like to see you hit a squash ball after seventeen beers... ARNIE Youre right. Why am I so competitive!? Compensation, I guess. Look, just focus, Jack. You can still pick up the spare... Jack retrieves his ball, sets up, genuinely concentrating... JACK (quietly, to himself) You are Jack Campbell. Youre better than this sport. You shot the rapids at Kenai. You ran with the bulls at Pamplona. You jumped out of a plane over the Mojave Desert, for Christs sake. You can do this... Jack puts everything he has into the throw, heaving the ball down the lane with as much grace and power as he can muster...hitting the six pin and taking out four others. JACK (CONTD) (screaming, excited) Yeah!! He turns, a fist pumped...But the guys could care less... ARNIE (to TEAMMATE) Okay, Pete, youre up. 67 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - LATE Jack walks out of the mens room, heading toward the lounge. He sees a familiar face walking toward him...a woman in a sexy little bowling outfit, carrying a bowling ball to a far lane. EVELYN Hi Jack... A moment of confusion as he tries to place the face. Then... JACK Evelyn, right? EVELYN Very funny. I saw you out there on lane five. What do you have the flu or something? JACK Something like that. EVELYN (with a wink) Need a nurse? JACK Youre a nurse? Evelyn laughs. EVELYN If thats what you want... She brushes past Jack, continuing to her lane...Jack follows her with his eyes a moment, then... JACK Wait a second... She turns. JACK (CONTD) Are we...? EVELYN Are we what, Jack? JACK Is there something going on between us? Evelyns surprised at Jacks directness. She stands there a beat, then walks back toward him. EVELYN Are we finally being honest? JACK It would help me if we were. EVELYN Okay, youre right, weve been dancing around this for years... Evelyn looks a little flush...she briefly fans her face. EVELYN (CONTD) God, my heart is racing. Here goes... (a smile) When I get dressed for a party and I know youre going to be there... well, lets just say I dont go strapless because my husband likes it... An intrigued smile from Jack. EVELYN (CONTD) Ive got six sets of snow tires piled up in my garage and I wont even drive in the snow...And our kids just happen to be in the same ballet class every year? She picks a piece of lint off his shirt. EVELYN (CONTD) So, if youre asking me whether Id like it to be more, the answer is yes... A look of surprise from Jack. EVELYN (CONTD) ...and Kate would never have to know. Jack considers this for a moment. JACK Do I have your number? A wide smile from Evelyn. EVELYN Steves out of town with the kids this week. Why dont you just stop by... She turns, leaving Jack standing there, watching her sashay back to her lane. 68 INT. BOWLING ALLEY, LOUNGE - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the lounge, a little dazed. He heads over to Arnie whos having a beer at the bar. ARNIE (looking at Jack) Hey Jack, youre all flush. I guess that seventy-one took a lot outta you. JACK (sitting down) I just saw Evelyn Thompson. ARNIE She is relentless. JACK She wants to have an affair with me. ARNIE She said that? JACK Pretty much. ARNIE Oh yeah... (shaking his head) What is it about you? JACK (pushing over a napkin) So could you write down her exact address? ARNIE Whoa...whoa...wait a second, Jack. Youre not actually gonna cheat on Kate? JACK It wouldnt really be cheating... (off Arnies doubtful look) Its complicated. ARNIE Look, maybe Im not as good a consigliere as you are but you have to trust me on this one. A little flirtations harmless but youre playing with fire here. The Fidelity Bank and Trust is a tough creditor. You make a deposit somewhere else, they close your account forever. JACK Im telling you, those rules dont apply to me, Arn. ARNIE (a chuckle) Screw the rules. Im talking about the choice. Jack looks at him curiously. ARNIE (CONTD) Cmon, Evelyn Thompsons got no class. She doesnt marry Dr. Steve, the womans living in a trailer. JACK Hey, is that really necessary? ARNIE All Im saying it there isnt a guy in Union County who wouldnt give his left nut to be married to Kate... Arnie takes one last swig of his beer and gets up... ARNIE (CONTD) Ill see ya later, Jack... He leaves Jack alone, thinking... CHAPTER TEN - CAKE WARS 69 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - NIGHT Jack walks into the house carrying his bowling bag. He dumps the bag in the coat closet and walks into the kitchen where... Kate is at the counter, her back to him, poring over some legal documents. KATE (not looking up) How was the game, honey? JACK (opening the fridge) Long, boring, and generally pretty sad. Arnie seemed to enjoy it... (peering inside) Hey, wheres that chocolate cake...? Kate turns around, revealing a huge hunk of chocolate cake on a plate in front of her, a bite ready to go into her mouth. KATE (with a smile) You mean this chocolate cake? JACK Thats my piece. I was saving it because I got nauseated from that store bought chicken. Kate takes the bite, a little piece of icing sticks to the side of her mouth. KATE Its good... Jack approaches the counter. JACK Gimme that cake. She takes another bite. KATE No way. He makes a grab for the plate but she holds it out where he cant reach it. JACK Cmon. KATE Sorry, Jack. Its too important to me. They stare each other down a moment. Then... He tries to swipe the plate. Kate jumps out of her chair, running out of the kitchen with the cake, laughing... Jack takes off after her...chasing her through the house... just about the catch up to her when... She darts up the stairs, still laughing...he follows her... JACK I want that cake! ...reaches up...grabs her shirt...pulls her down playfully on top of him... KATE (laughing) You want the cake!? JACK (out of breath) I want it... She looks at him, then takes the whole piece in her hand and smooshes it right in his mouth... Beat. Then, Jack starts laughing... JACK (CONTD) Thank you... KATE Its good, right? He takes a big clump of it and smooshes it in her mouth. They stay there a moment, lying on the stairs, feeding each other cake, laughing. Jack leans back on the stairs. He looks at Kates face, practically covered in cake, smiling, and realizes... ...he hasnt laughed like this in thirteen years. Then... JACK Are the kids asleep? A sexy smile from Kate...they start kissing passionately right there on the steps...its heating up... KATE (caught up in the moment) Say it, Jack... JACK What...? KATE Cmon, you know what I like to hear... JACK (in the throes of passion) Yeah, baby, I know what you like to hear... KATE (kissing him) Then say it...just say it to me...! JACK (swept up in the moment) Oh yeah, youre a bad girl, baby... You make me so hot...Im gonna take you to that special place... Kate pulls away. KATE What...? Jack looks up at her, he can practically see the passion drain from her face... JACK Not it...? KATE Nice, Jack. Youre sweeping me off my feet. JACK What? You make me hot... She gets up and heads up the steps, disappearing into the bedroom...Jack shakes his head, frustrated. Then, he feels something licking at his hand... He looks down and sees Lucy standing next to him, wagging her tail, looking up at Jack with an Ive gotta go look on her face. Jack heaves a sigh, then... JACK (CONTD) Cmon, Lucy, maybe one of us can get a little relief tonight... He leads the dog toward the front door... 70 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MINUTES LATER Jack is walking Lucy. He passes a house that looks familiar to him. Then he sees it... ...the name THOMPSON etched on the mailbox... Its the Thompson house, now sans the garish Christmas decorations, a drying Christmas tree tied up on the curb, ready to be picked up as garbage... Jack stops, pulling the dog back, looking up at the house... He sees a light on in the upstairs bedroom...the faint outline of a woman reading by the window... EVELYN THOMPSON... Jack looks around, sees the street is empty, then nudges the dog, leading her up the path to the house. He gets to the front door...moves his hand up to the doorbell...but its a tentative move...he keeps it there a moment, perched at the button...but for some reason he cant bring himself to push it... He looks down the street, toward his own house, then to the window upstairs. Finally, he turns... JACK (pulling the leash) Cmon, girl, lets go home... 71 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE FOYER - MINUTES LATER The front door opens and Jack walks in with Lucy on a leash, his face red from the cold outside. He gives the dog a pat on the rump, then takes off his coat, hanging it and the leash on a hook by the door... He walks through the quiet house, into the living room, rubbing his hands together to warm them up. CHAPTER ELEVEN HOME MOVIES He goes over to a glass bar stand and pours himself a scotch, taking a sip, letting the alcohol warm him... He strolls through the room, looking at some of the family photos framed and hanging on the wall, focusing on his own face in the pictures, studying the expressions... He moves to a pile of video tapes sitting on a shelf, marked with titles like, Trip to Yosemite, 96" and Joshs 1st Birthday. He runs his fingers along the tapes, stopping at one marked, Jack Singing. His eyes linger there a moment... He puts his drink down and pops the tape in the VCR... ON TV: Its a party for Kates birthday thrown at the Kramers house...same crowd of people as the Christmas party, cheesy Happy Birthday decorations. The image jerks up and down, surveying the crowd... Bill Kramer at the piano, playing some light cocktail music ...Kate talking with a group of friends... ARNIE (O.S.) Jesus, Bill, this thing is an antique. Dont you even have image stabilization? Bill stops playing and looks up at Arnie. BILL KRAMER Four hundred bucks at Best Buy, Arn. Then...Jack comes into frame, a confident smile on his face. JACK And everyone knows image stabilization is for the weak... Jack is jarred by the image of himself on the video... Jack on TV...he smiles as Kate walks into frame, easily putting an arm around Jack... ARNIE So Jack, its your wifes birthday, got anything to say to her? JACK (to Kate) Its your birthday? Today? Whats your name? Where were you born? KATE Jack. JACK Wait a minute. Youre my wife? She slaps him playfully on the arm... JACK (CONTD) I do have one thing I wanna say... Kate looks at him expectantly. Then... JACK (CONTD) (singing to her) Oh those fingers in my hair, that sly come hither stare, strips my conscience bare, its witchcraft... Jack doesnt have the greatest voice in the world but hes not the least bit self-conscious...and Kate seems to like it, theres a twinkle in her eye...some of the guests focus their attention on Jack and Kate. Jack winces, embarrassed, as he watches himself sing... JACK (CONTD) ...and Ive got no defense for it, that heat is too intense for it, what good would common sense for it do... Bill Kramer still at the piano, chimes in with the basic chords for Witchcract, sounding it out as he goes along... JACK (CONTD) ...Cause its witchcraft, wicked witchcraft...and although I know its strictly taboo...when you rouse the need in me, my heart says yes indeed in me, proceed with what youre leadin me to... The camera catches the reactions of guests in the crowd... the women, smiles on their faces, wrapped up in the romance of the moment. Envy on the mens faces as they watch Jack serenade his wife... A musical interlude from Bill as Jack takes off his jacket...some HOOTS and HOLLERS from the crowd...Arnie captures the image of Kate whistling at her husband... Arnie follows with the camera as Jack strolls in front of the gathered guests... JACK (CONTD) Its such an ancient pitch, but one that Id never switch, there aint no nicer witch than you... Jack watches himself move gracefully. But its no longer embarrassment on his face, its fascination... Back in the video, the camera catches Evelyn Thompson watching longingly as Jack moves back toward Kate...Evelyn cant take it anymore, she abruptly turns and walks toward the kitchen... Jack raises an eyebrow... In the video...Jack approaches Kate, she couldnt have a more delighted look on her face. He picks up the verse... JACK (CONTD) Cause its witchcraft, that koo koo witchcraft...and although I know its strictly taboo... The camera pans across the crowd, even the men are getting into it, focused on Jack as he sings lovingly, unashamed, to his wife...Nick Careli mouths the words along with Jack, almost as if hes studying him, revering him... Jack watches the TV, seeing Nick do this...maybe he underestimated his alter ego... On the video...Jack staring into Kates eyes... JACK (CONTD) ...when you rouse the need in me, my heart says yes indeed to me, proceed with what youre leadin me to... Jack and Kate exchange a sexy smile... JACK (CONTD) Its such an ancient pitch, but one that Id never switch... Jack kisses her on the lips...HOOTS and HOLLERS from the crowd. JACK (CONTD) Cause theres no nicer witch than you... Kate brushes a hand across Jacks face... Smash cut to Jack watching this...seeing the connection, the heat between them...coveting it... Back to the video...the music building...the crowd completely in the palm of Jacks hand... JACK (CONTD) ...than you... The camera closes in on Jack and Kate as the music builds to a crescendo... JACK (CONTD) ...than you... A little musical flourish from Bill as the crowd breaks out into huge CHEERS and APPLAUSE... Jack, watching this other version of himself in the video, the center of attention, larger than life, focused on Kate... Back on video... JACK (CONTD) (speaking quietly to Kate) Happy Birthday sweetheart...I love you. Kate leans over, giving Jack a deep kiss...OOHS and AHHS from the crowd...but Jack and Kate are in their own little world... Jack continues to watch himself on the video, his smile fading, becoming a look of realization...then loss... A tear at the corner of his eye... The SOUND fades in Jacks head as the action in the video continues... Hes left standing there...silent, still... DISSOLVE TO: 72 INT. CAMPBELL MASTER BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING Lucy licking Jacks face. Jack pushes the dog away...as... The ALARM RINGS. Kate pushes the button to stop it. KATE (groggy) Time to get up, honey... Jack obliges without question, getting out of bed, putting on a robe and slippers and exiting, still practically half-asleep. 73 INT. KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the kitchen. He turns on the Mr. Coffee, gets a bottle from the fridge, throws it in the microwave, removes it, and heads upstairs. 74 INT. JOSHS ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...into Joshs room. Josh is wide awake, standing up in his crib, like a prisoner in a cell. Jack gives him the bottle, pats his head perfunctorily, and then walks out of the room... CHAPTER TWELVE - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY 75 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ...and back into the bedroom to find Kate, sitting on the bed, a wrapped present in front of her and a wide smile on her face. Jack stops, raising an eyebrow at the gift. He looks behind, as if to ask whether its for him, then back to Kate. KATE Happy Anniversary, honey... Terror on Jacks face. KATE (CONTD) (pushing the gift forward) Before you do whatever crazy stunt youve got planned I want you to open mine... Jack musters up a smile, then approaches the gift. JACK Maybe I should wait... KATE No, open it... He hesitates, then begins unwrapping the package, revealing... ...a suit, similar in color and style to the Zegna suit... KATE (CONTD) I found it at an outlet store. I know its a knock-off, but I think itll look great on you... JACK (examining the label) Zeena... Jack is overcome with emotion...Yes, its a ZEENA, but this is probably the nicest thing anyones ever done for him... JACK (CONTD) (tearing up) You really are incredible... KATE Enjoy it, sweetheart... Jack looks at Kates expectant face, suddenly remembering how truly screwed he is. JACK Youre probably expecting something from me... Hes sweating bullets...watching as Kate gets a quizzical look on her face... JACK (CONTD) Heres the thing. I really hadnt planned on giving you your...uh... anniversary gift until tonight. (an uncomfortable smile) You know, anniversarys good all day... KATE What are you talking about? You never wait all day. You can barely wait until its light out. JACK I know that, but... Beat. Kate looks at him like shes looking into his soul. KATE You forgot. Jack stands there, silent. KATE (CONTD) You actually forgot our anniversary. JACK Ill fix it. Ill go out right now and get you something. Ill make it right. That didnt help. KATE (holding back the tears) Jesus, Jack...Is this where we are now? Is this our marriage? Suddenly Im the wife who has to drop hints two weeks before her anniversary so her husband doesnt fuck it up? Jack sees a tear run down her face...a pang of guilt on his... JACK Please dont cry... Kate wipes the tear away but they just keep coming. KATE (shaking her head, crying) I dont want to be that, Jack... Jack approaches her, holding out a hand but Kate pushes it away, gets up and walks toward the bathroom... Jack is left standing alone, holding Kates gift... CUT TO: 76 INT. FRONT PORCH - MINUTES LATER Jack emerges from the house, steps out onto the porch for some air... He shakes his head, a mixture of frustration and self- pity on his face. He notices Annies bike leaning against the side of the porch, and the bell that Cash gave him sitting on its handle bar. He takes a step toward it, and gives the bell a gentle RING ...he looks around, as if hes expecting someone to appear ...but theres no one. He RINGS the bell again, louder this time, really trying to attract someones attention. JACK Cmon...cmon... Nothing. Finally, he lifts the bike up in the air, RINGING the bell with everything hes got... JACK (CONTD) (shouting to the sky) Cmon, goddamnit, how was I supposed to know the date of their anniversary!? I never married her! Pull back...Annie in the doorway...looking at him. ANNIE (slowly) Put the bicycle back on the ground... Jack turns and sees her, gently lowering the bicycle. 77 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE KITCHEN - MORNING Jack is mixing a glass of chocolate milk. Annie, arms folded, is waiting expectantly. He finishes, sliding the glass to her. She takes a long sip, puts the glass down, a chocolate milk mustache on her lip. ANNIE Not bad...I shoulda warned you. Dad always does something really special for their anniversary. JACK Like what? ANNIE One year he had a solar system named after her... JACK Dont you think thats a little gimmicky? ANNIE Mom liked it. Jack raises an eyebrow. JACK Maybe theres a jewelry store back at the mall. I could get her a pair of earrings or something. ANNIE Thats good but...you did forget the anniversary. JACK Right. Thats a major oversight... (thinking aloud) So if Im Kate...I cant really afford the finer things, my husbands career is a crushing disappointment to me, Im trapped in suburbia... Then... JACK (CONTD) Did he ever take her to the City? Annie smiles, impressed. ANNIE Youre really gettin the hang of this. Suddenly, a look of confidence comes over Jacks face. For the first time, he seems like a man in control. 78 INT. BEDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON Annie is sitting on the bed watching her mother get dressed. Kate, wearing a silky slip, walks out of her closet carrying two dresses on hangers, a red one and a sexy little black one. Kate holds out the two dresses to Annie. KATE Which do you think? Annie thinks about it for a moment, taking it very seriously... ANNIE The black one... Kate nods. Shes about to put it on when she looks at Annie... KATE Fightings a part of it, Annie. You know that, right? ANNIE Im not worried, Mom. Hes still learning our ways... Kate looks at her with a raised eyebrow, then nods. Its true. She puts down the dress and holds out a hand to Annie. KATE Cmere. Kate leads her to the makeup table, then opens a lipstick... ANNIE (excited) Really? Kate nods then applies some red lipstick to Annies lips. KATE Now go like this... Kate rubs her lips together, showing Annie how to do it. Annie mimics her Mom, then Kate looks at her Annies beaming. KATE (CONTD) Youre gonna break a lot of hearts, you know. A smile from Annie... Pull back to reveal...Jack standing at the door, watching ...appreciating the kind of mother Kate is... 79 OMITTED 80 EXT. LOIRE - NIGHT A small, elegant French restaurant hidden on a tree- lined lower Manhattan street. 81 INT. LOIRE - SAME TIME Jack is wearing the suit Kate gave him. Its not a Zegna, but he looks pretty damn good. He leads Kate toward the cloak room at this intimate restaurant... He helps her off with her coat. Kates wearing the sexy little black dress and we can immediately see its effectiveness... JACK You look beautiful... A charmed smile from Kate as she hands Jack her coat. Jack hands the coats over to the COAT CHECK GIRL... JACK (CONTD) (instinctively) Thanks, Catherine... Jack fakes a SNEEZE, trying to cover up...Kate gives him a pat on the back... KATE You okay? He takes Kate by the arm... JACK Fine... He leads her to the main room. She looks out at the room, elegant tables, French country decor, a PIANIST playing Cole Porter... KATE (quietly to Jack) Jack...can we afford all this? JACK Whats the difference? Im taking my baby out for our anniversary, damn the costs... KATE How do you even know about this place? Jacks caught for a moment. Then... JACK Arnie... (insistent) Arnie. Hell throw you a curve ball once in a while, thats for sure... Jack puts his arm around her and kisses her on the cheek... 82 INT. LOIRE - A LITTLE LATER Jack and Kate sit at a secluded table, a WAITER standing next to them. Jacks not even looking at the menu. JACK Well have the tureen of quail breast with shiitake mushrooms to start, then the veal medallions in raspberry truffle sauce and the sea scallops with pureed artichoke hearts...sea scallops, North of the Caspian... Kate looks at Jack, a mixture of confusion and awe on her face. WAITER Very good, sir. And may I say those are all excellent selections. JACK You may... (perusing the wine list) Also, well have a bottle of Lafite, 1982. Kate reaches over and pulls down the wine list, reading it upside down. KATE Its five hundred and fifty dollars, Jack! A wince from Jack...for a moment there it was almost perfect. JACK Just a glass of red wine for each of us... The waiter nods, then walks toward the kitchen... KATE You are so not off the hook yet, slick. JACK But Im gettin close, right? A noncommittal nod from Kate. Then Jack notices her look over at the pianist, drawn in by the music. JACK (CONTD) You want to dance? A puzzled look from Kate. Theres nobody else dancing. There isnt even much room to dance... KATE I dont think theres dancing here, Jack. Jack gets up and holds out a hand. JACK Sure there is... Kate looks around again, then she smiles. Kate rises, taking his hand. Jack takes her in his arms, swaying slowly in the limited amount of space, confident and self-assured. The pianist looks up, smiling, appreciating their role in this romantic moment. Kate moves with Jack, following his lead comfortably. They look good together...in sync with each other... People are watching them...some of the men are impressed, others are scoffing, but the women are clearly charmed... KATE (whispering to Jack) Pretty good for a tire salesman from Jersey... Jack flashes her his most charming smile. JACK I have my moments... They continue to dance, in a world of their own... 83 INT. LOIRE - LATE Jack and Kate at the table enjoying a gourmet meal. Jack holds out a fork with a piece of veal for Kate. She takes a bite. KATE Mmmm... (spearing a scallop) ...here, try one of these... Jack takes a scallop from Kates fork. JACK (savoring the scallop) God I missed that taste... Kate laughs. JACK (CONTD) Why are you laughing? Kate shoots him a look of curiosity. Jack looks back at her, sees the trust in her face...He puts down his fork. JACK (CONTD) I need to tell you something. KATE Okay... JACK I think it may help us but theres a slight chance it could make things worse. She hears the seriousness in his voice. KATE Now Im worried...just say it. Whatever it is well deal with it. JACK Are you sure? She nods. Jack searches his mind for the right words. Then... JACK (CONTD) I feel like Im living someone elses life... Jack looks to her, expecting the worst. But she just nods reassuringly. He continues... JACK (CONTD) I used to be so sure about everything, you know? I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. Then one morning I woke up and suddenly it was all different... KATE Worse, you mean... JACK No. Well, maybe a few things. But mostly just different... Jack lets out a small smile. Now hes the one whos reassuring Kate. JACK (CONTD) I never used to be like this, Kate. I had it all figured out. No doubts, no regrets. KATE And now...? JACK Now...I dont... He looks at her, staring into her eyes, almost desperate for understanding. KATE Me neither. A raised eyebrow from Jack. KATE (CONTD) I think its good to be a little unsure about who you are. Its very human. JACK But you always seem so certain. KATE Cmon, Jack, you think there arent mornings when I wake up and wonder what the hell Im doing in New Jersey... JACK Thats a big one for me, too. KATE My office is a dump, I answer my own phone...and youve seen my pay check. JACK Your pay check is a disgrace to pay checks. KATE I mean yes, I help people that need it... JACK I guess...some of them are probably faking. KATE (a laugh, then...) God, sometimes I think it would be so nice not to have to stretch ground beef or maybe drive a car with a CD player... He smiles, right there with her. KATE (CONTD) Imagine having a life where everything was easy...where you asked for things and people just brought them to you... JACK Its wonderful... Kate laughs, nodding. A pause, then... KATE I think about it, too, Jack. I do. I think about the kind of person Id be if I hadnt married you... Its as if shes inside his head. They stay like this for a moment, looking into each other. JACK And...? She stops a moment, considering. Then... KATE And I realize Ive just erased the things in my life Im most sure about. You, the kids... Jack nods. JACK Good things... KATE What are you sure about? Jack looks into Kates eyes. JACK Im sure that right now theres nowhere Id rather be than here with you... Kate smiles at Jack, a loving, secure smile. Its been a while. CUT TO: 84 EXT. PENSION - NIGHT The mini-van parked outside a small brownstone right on the square. Its like something out of a Henry James novel... charming, meticulously maintained, elegant... 85 INT. PENSION, SUITE - A LITTLE LATER The door opens and Jack, carrying Kate in his arms, enters... Jack puts Kate down and she takes in the room, antique furniture...its like walking into another world... KATE This is so beautiful... Jack smiles as he opens a champagne bottle sitting on a silver ice bucket... KATE (CONTD) You know champagne makes me do crazy things. JACK (pouring) Ill just full yours up to the top. (handing her a glass) Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Kate smiles, clinking her glass with Jacks. KATE I dont know how you did it, hoss, but you pulled it off. JACK Im out of the doghouse? KATE Way out... Kate saunters into the bedroom, looking at the king- size poster bed, feeling the down quilt. Jack follows her... KATE (CONTD) (turning to him) You may even get lucky tonight... Kate kisses him...when their lips separate, we can see the powerful effect it has on him. Jack looks deep into her eyes, stroking her hair, lost in her. JACK Youre so...beautiful... KATE I already told you you were gonna get lucky, Jack... They kiss again, a long soulful kiss. Then... Jack pulls back, a look of realization on his face... JACK My god, all this time...I never stopped loving you... KATE (a wide smile) Thats all I wanted to hear... She kisses him, their bodies intertwined...hands caressing ...more and more passionate...then reaches behind her to the light. The room goes dark... DISSOLVE TO: 86 INT. PENSION, SUITE - MORNING Morning sun streams onto Jack and Kate in bed... Kate, in Jacks arms, her head on his chest, a contented smile on her face... Jacks eyes open...adjust to the light. He looks over at Kate. Theres something different in his eyes...something deeper. Jack smiles...a broad, Im in love kind of smile. Kate stirs, gently stroking Jacks chest. KATE Mmmm...Jack... Kate lifts her head, turning to face Jack. KATE (CONTD) I feel like I should give you money... Jack laughs. KATE (CONTD) I mean, my god, Jack you were always good but this...this was... like a porno movie. Kate lays her head back on Jacks chest, looking at Washington Square through the window. KATE (CONTD) I could stay here forever... JACK I dont think Id fight you on that one... Kate lifts her head and looks at him expectantly. They kiss. 87 EXT. NEW JERSEY STREET - NIGHT The mini-van passes a sign that reads, Welcome to Teaneck. 88 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, VARIOUS - MORNING Annie walking through the downstairs of the house, practicing her violin...its a noise bordering on MUSIC, but not quite... She walks into the kitchen where... Jack stands at the counter in his robe, reading the Newark Star Ledger and drinking a cup of coffee. He lowers the paper, watches Annie with a smile as she strolls through the room playing her violin badly...he goes back to his paper. 89 INT. JACKS CLOSET - MINUTES LATER Jack, still singing, donning his Dockers and short- sleeve oxford... 89A EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - MORNING The front door of the Campbell House... Jack emerges in his work clothes, putting his coat on, a bagel in his mouth... He disappears from frame, the screen door closing slowly behind him... In a moment...Kate appears at the door, a cup of coffee in her hand...she follows Jack with her eyes as he heads to the car. Then...a smile from Kate... In a moment...Jack returns to frame and heads straight into Kates arms... ...a passionate kiss as she leans against the door post... KATE Have a good day... A smile from Jack as she pats him on the ass and sends him on his way... 90 EXT. BIG EDS - AFTERNOON Jack, pointing to a stack of radials, is standing with a MAN (40s) wearing a pale blue leisure suit and a pair of high top Nike Air Jordans. JACK For the money, theyre hands down the best radial we carry... MAN (thinking, then...) Okay, Ill take them... JACK You wont regret it... (shouting to Tommy) Tommy! Set Mr. Conlin up with four B.F. Goodrich G-Force T/As... (looking the man over) ...and give him ten percent off for having the best costume... Just then, a black ROLLS ROYCE SILVER SERAPH pulls into the lot, its front left tire riding on the rim... ESTELLE (O.S.) (over P.A. system) Jack, Kate on line two! Jack pick up two! Jack turns toward the door, but then looks curiously back at the Rolls...something familiar about it... Then...Peter Lassiter gets out of the car... KENNY (walking out to Jack) Kates on two, Jack. (on seeing the Rolls) Nice ride... JACK (staring at Lassiter) If youre into that kind of conspicuous consumption... KENNY You want me to handle him? I think Im ready... ESTELLE (O.S.) (over P.A. system) Jack! Kate still holding on line two... JACK Sure...be careful, he looks like a tough negotiator... Jack walks inside... 91 INT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS ...but hes still focused on Lassiter through the window, cant take his eyes off him... He gets to the phone...sees the light for line two blinking ...he looks back outside, sees Kenny approach Lassiter... ...back to the blinking phone light...he picks up the phone... But cant bring himself to hit the blinking light. Then... JACK (to Estelle, into intercom) Tell Kate Ill call her back... INTERCUT WITH ESTELLE IN HER OFFICE ESTELLE (into intercom) It sounded pretty important. JACK (into intercom) Im with a customer. Ill call her back. He takes his hand away from the phone and walks back outside the store... CHAPTER THIRTEEN - PETER LASSITER 92 EXT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS ...towards Kenny and Lassiter. LASSITER (to Kenny) I seem to have had some kind of blow out... Jack approaches, tapping Kenny on the shoulder. JACK Why dont you let me take this one, Kenny? KENNY Okay, chief. Kenny nods then heads back inside... JACK Peter Lassiter... LASSITER (surprised) Do I know you? JACK Not exactly. Ive seen you on CNBC. (with a smile) You look taller in real life... CUT TO: 93 INT. BIG EDS TIRED, JACKS OFFICE - LATE Jack leaning back in his chair, behind the desk of his cluttered, cramped office. JACK ...truth is, Mintz was so busy timing his wifes breathing he didnt see that MedTech needed Global more than the other way around. Ten days, two weeks tops, they wouldve approached you with an offer, and Id bet anything it wouldve been thirty billion, not twenty nine... (a knowing smile) Problem was, Peter, you had a pussycat running the show. What you needed was a rottweiler. Lassiter, sitting on the little chair across from Jack, an intrigued look on his face... LASSITER (nodding) Well, Im impressed. A smile from Jack. LASSITER (CONTD) I really am... Jack savors the moment, until... LASSITER (CONTD) So, about my car... Hes jarred back to reality, a little crestfallen... JACK Sure. Were going to have to special order that tire. Itll be ready in about two days. Lassiter nods, then takes a business card out of his wallet. LASSITER This has my office address on it... (thinking, then...) Why dont you drop it off yourself? A smile from Jack. CUT TO: 94 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, JACKS BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Kate, sound asleep in bed... Pan across to Jack, his eyes wide open, lost in thought... 95 INT. BIG EDS, JACKS OFFICE - DAY Jack wearing his Zeena suit, sitting behind his desk, distracted, as he listens to HECTOR, 40s, the GUATEMALEN MECHANIC. HECTOR ...I say to her, Margarita, we already have four kids, why do we need more? Jack is shaking his leg anxiously under the desk as he eyes the door... HECTOR (CONTD) But she say she want an even number. I say four is an even number! But she say she want six. Jack checks his watch... HECTOR (CONTD) I tell her, Margarita, I just got my green card, I like to sit back and rest a little bit... JACK (interrupting) Hector...do I usually listen to your personal problems? HECTOR Sure, Jack, all the time... Jack nods, then... JACK Look, I have some business that I have to take care of in the city so Im leaving early... (getting up) My advice to you...follow your dreams. CUT TO: 96 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - AFTERNOON Jack pulling up to the building in Lassiters Rolls... He gets out of the car, walks to the building, feeling good, confident, stopping to gaze up at the skyscraper...he breathes in deeply, then heads inside... 96A INT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Jack enters, instinctively tossing the car keys to the SECURITY GUARD...the guard looks at him like hes crazy... 97 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - MINUTES LATER Jack and Lassiter walk together... LASSITER ...were really more of a boutique operation, as you can see... JACK But youre not interested in boutique dollars... (a smile) I get it... They walk into... 98 INT. ALAN MINTZS OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Past the assistants desk... MINTZS ASSISTANT (seeing Lassiter) Hes expecting you, Mr. Lassiter... Lassiter doesnt even slow down... 99 INT. ALAN MINTZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Its Jacks old office but you wouldnt know it from the decor...lots of country pine, a fabric sofa, and a play pen where the bar used to be. Jack enters, immediately struck by the difference... LASSITER (to Mintz) Alan, this is Jack Campbell...the one I was telling you about... Mintz, a confident look on his face, gets up from the desk and goes to shake Jacks hand. ALAN Jack, of course. They shake hands. JACK (appropriately deferential) Mr. Mintz. ALAN Please, call me Alan. We try to cultivate a casual atmosphere around here... JACK (re: play pen) I can see that, Alan. A chuckle from Mintz. ALAN You have kids, Jack? JACK (hesitating, then...) Uh...actually, yes. Two... good ones. Another laugh from Mintz. ALAN Thats great... (gesturing to the sofa) Why dont you have a seat? Jack nods, sits down on the plush sofa, Mintz and Lassiter take the chairs. ALAN (CONTD) So, Peter mentioned that you were an avid CNBC watcher but didnt say whether you had any actual Wall Street experience? Jacks a little taken aback by the question, not realizing he was walking into an interview... He crosses his legs, trying to get comfortable. JACK I was a sales associate, at E.F. Hutton. ALAN A broker? Really. And now youre in the tire business? JACK Thats right. And auto supply... ALAN Uh huh. The retail end, I understand. Jack nods... JACK Uh...we actually get about sixty percent of our business from automotive service. ALAN Mind if I ask what kind of sales you did last year? Ballpark... JACK We did one point seven million in total revenue... ALAN Uh huh...one point seven. And what do you project for this year? Jack pauses, analyzing the situation...the patronizing questions, the smirk on Mintzs face... ALAN (CONTD) Any thoughts at all on that? As Jack stares into their faces, he realizes the extent of his handicap... ALAN (CONTD) Jack? He stops, takes a moment, looking at Mintz and Lassiter then ...a confident smile. JACK Well, Alan, I think were gonna have a banner year. Sales are up almost twenty percent in the first quarter and we just landed a major trucking company account. ALAN Really. So youre projecting what, a tad over two million? A gleam in Jacks eye. JACK Thats right. And that would make us number one in our market... (getting up) You mind if I stand? A raised eyebrow from Mintz. Mintz and Lassiter follow Jack with their eyes as he crosses the room to the desk, pours himself a glass of water... JACK (CONTD) Look, I know our paltry little two million in sales is about what you spend on office supplies in a year. And I know some regional trucking company account is nothing compared to a sixty billion dollar merger... ALAN Im not trying to knock the tire business, Jack. JACK (a confident chuckle) Its okay, Alan. I get it. Im in your shoes, Im thinking exactly the same thing...but heres the thing. Business is business. Wall Street, Main Street, its all just a bunch of people getting up in the morning, trying to figure out how the hell theyre gonna send their kids to college. Its just people... Jacks confidence is throwing Mintz off, but Lassiter appears intrigued... JACK (CONTD) And I know people. ALAN Im sure you do... LASSITER (intervening) Lets let the man have his say... Mintz covers his embarrassment with a smile... JACK (to Mintz) Take you, for instance... ALAN (defensive) What about me? JACK You drink about sixteen Diet Cokes a day. Youre an excellent father, but you feel guilty about the time you spend away from home. You drink bourbon, but you offer your clients scotch... Jack looks around the office then back to Mintz. JACK (CONTD) And your wife decorated this office... A laugh from Lassiter as Mintz sits there stewing, a caught look on his face. LASSITER He certainly has your number, Alan. JACK (turning to Lassiter) Youre a little tougher, Peter. A raised eyebrow from Lassiter, but hes game... JACK (CONTD) For one thing, you like expensive things. LASSITER (smiling proudly) Thats easy. Youve seen my car. JACK (a chuckle) Okay...you smoke Hoyo de Monterreys. Youre a scotch man, single malt, not because its trendy but because youve been doing it for forty years, and you stay with what works. You have two great loves in your life, your horses and this company. You wept openly the day the Dow hit ten thousand... Lassiters impressed. JACK (CONTD) And youre a man who prides himself on finding talent in unusual places... LASSITER Oh? And how would you know that? Jack smiles. JACK Because Im here. On Lassiter...nodding his head. Mintz, a plastered-on smile. JACK (CONTD) Im prepared to do anything it takes to get this job. Start anywhere you need me to start. Ill park cars if I to... (into Lassiters eyes) The biggest part of judging character is knowing yourself. And I know this, I can do this job. Give me a chance, Peter, I wont let you down. Lassiter returns Jacks gaze with equal intensity. In a moment, he turns to Mintz. LASSITER (to Mintz) Alan, why dont you show Jack around a bit... ALAN Id love to. CUT TO: 100 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - MINUTES LATER Jack and Alan walking side by side down the hallway... EMPLOYEES passing them by, greeting Mintz, Mintz waving back... ALAN (pointing) ...thats our war room. We did seven major deals last year, three of them hostile. JACK (not particularly impressed) Seven. Really. They turn a corner, coming into a deserted section of the corridor. Mintz stops, turning to Jack. Jack returns Mintzs gaze with a quizzical look. ALAN Lets cut the shit, huh Campbell? What, did you go through his wallet or something? Jacks a little taken aback. ALAN (CONTD) No matter. That circus act back there may have dazzled Lassiter momentarily but it doesnt do shit forme. Even if you get this job, which I highly doubt, let me warn you, Lassiter loses interest in his pet projects very quickly. Im in the big office because Ive proved myself to him year after year and nobody is going to come in here and start turning the old mans head. Especially not some tire salesman from New Jersey. So you watch yourself and stay away from Lassiter, and maybe, just maybe, Ill keep you on after he gets tired of you. Do we understand each other? Jack stands there, staring at Mintz, silent, expressionless. ALAN (CONTD) Do we?! Then, a broad smile from Jack. JACK God, you really are different, arent you... (nodding) I mean...wow...I am impressed. Now its Mintzs turn to look quizzical. JACK (CONTD) Good for you. Why shouldnt you protect whats yours. ALAN I dont think youre hearing me. JACK Oh, Im hearing you, Alan. Thats not the problem. The problem is that what you think is yours, is really mine. And I dont care how low on the totem pole I start, I will get it back... (poking him in the chest) So do yourself a favor and dont get too attached to that view because sometime soon, maybe very soon, you and your French country antiques, your chintz sofa, and your little play pen are gonna be moving out of that office. Jack smiles at Alan one more time, then turns... JACK (CONTD) Oh, and by the way, you try selling tires for a living. I promise you, youd starve. Jack heads down the corridor, whistling a happy tune, leaving Mintz standing there, bewildered. CHAPTER FOURTEEN - A PERFECT LIFE? CUT TO: 101 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - DAY A double door opens and Jack leads Kate into this huge duplex. Kate looks around, taking the place in. JACK Welcome to Xanadu... The place is incredible...marble floors, architectural lines, high tech fixtures, elegant modern furniture... its striking but not at all homey like the Jersey house. JACK (CONTD) Pretty incredible, isnt it? KATE Its like a museum. Jack nods. KATE (CONTD) (turning to Jack) So whats the big surprise? You didnt rent this place for the weekend, did you? JACK Think bigger. KATE For the week? Jack chuckles. JACK This place is a perk, Kate. KATE A perk for what? JACK A company called P.K. Lassiter and Associates Investment House uses it to attract new executives... Kates confused. JACK (CONTD) Youre talking to their new Vice President of Mergers and Acquisitions. KATE What are you talking about, Jack? JACK Im going into arbitrage, honey. Turns out I have a knack for it. Ill be making two hundred grand a year plus a hefty bonus and thats just to start. And, we can live in this apartment practically rent free for as long as we want. Jack measures her reaction. Its not good... JACK (CONTD) We can finally afford to move back into the city. In style. Kate just looks at him, in shock. Then... KATE Are you out of your mind? JACK I dont think so. This is going to be a better life for all of us, honey. Well put Annie and Josh in private schools... KATE Annie goes to a great school. JACK Im talking about the best schools in the country here, Kate... KATE Jack, what could you possibly be thinking? What about my job? JACK This is New York City, its like the needy people capital of the world. Those Jersey clients of yours arent a tenth as pathetic as the ones you could get here... KATE (cutting him off) I cant believe you want to move back into the city. I thought the reason we left was because we didnt want to raise the kids here? JACK No, this is the center of the universe. If I were living in Roman times, I would live in Rome, where else? Today, America is the Roman Empire and New York is Rome itself. John Lennon. KATE (cutting him off) Jack. Jacks starting to struggle... JACK Look, Im detecting a kind of funky tension here...We dont have to live in this apartment. I dont need this...Ill commute...Ill drive to work... Jacks back on his heels...seeing his dream picked apart... KATE In traffic? Its over an hour each way? Thats almost three hours a day. When are you going to see the kids? Hes frustrated...he pauses a moment to gather himself. Then... JACK Kate. Youre not understanding me. Im talking about a great life. A perfect life. Everything we pictured when we were young. The whole package. You said it yourself, life has thrown us surprises, and so we made sacrifices. But now I can finally get us back on track... A sad chuckle from Kate. JACK (CONTD) I can do that. I want to do that. For all of us. I need to do that as a man... (imploring her) Think about it. No more lousy restaurants, no more clipping coupons, no more shoveling snow... KATE Then get a goddamn snow blower! Jacks taken aback by the intensity of her tone. KATE (CONTD) Dont get a new career without even telling me. Dont take Annie out of a school she loves. Dont move us out of a house weve become a family in... Kate stands there, wounded... KATE (CONTD) (quietly) Dont do that... JACK Look, youre making this into something its not. This isnt a referendum on our lives, Kate. Its a step forward... (appealing to her) Dont you see? Im talking about us finally having a life other people envy. Silence. Kate looks him in the eye a deep, piercing look... KATE They already do envy us, Jack... Kate picks up her bag and walks out of the apartment. 102 OMITTED 103 INT. ANNIES ROOM - NIGHT Annie is in a nightgown, practicing her violin. Jack walks in. Its all he can do to hold back cringing at the missed notes. Annie finishes the piece, lowering the bow. JACK Very nice. What is it? ANNIE Mary Had A Little Lamb. JACK Ah. A classic... Annie starts PLAYING again as Jack looks at the dresser. She has 20 or so family photos lined up and down its sides... Jack studies them...in every one Jacks face is totally contented. Jack studies them, looking at his own face. Annie lowers the bow, watching him... Jack turns to her. JACK (CONTD) Please dont stop... She smiles, then starts PLAYING again. He turns back to the pictures... 104 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, DEN - LATE Jack...standing in front of the desk, nursing a drink. He looks at Lassiters business card, sitting on the surface of the desk... He gazes around the room...his eyes coming to rest on a bookshelf...a book... He moves toward it...looking at its spine...its a tattered copy of Vonneguts Cats Cradle. He pulls it off the shelf, theres something inside...a bookmark... ...a PAN AM ticket jacket sleeve... ...inside...a boarding pass...From: London/Heathrow, To: New York/JFK, 10/4/87. He looks at it...somethings not right... JACK From London to New York...? (looking up) I came back... Then...a NOISE... Jack turns and sees Kate walking into the doorway, standing there...She sees Jack holding the Pan Am ticket sleeve. KATE Our finest moment, right... A quizzical look from Jack. KATE (CONTD) When you got on that plane I was sure it was over. I left the airport afraid Id never see you again. And then you showed up the very next day... (a wistful smile) That was a good surprise... She continues into the room, leaning against a bookshelf. KATE (CONTD) I think about you on that plane, about what must have been going through your mind...you sitting there imagining our life together, our life apart...I think about the decision you made... Jack watches her as she lets out a small sigh. KATE (CONTD) Maybe I was being naive but I believed wed grow old together in this house. That wed spend holidays here, have g randchildren visit us here. I had this image of us all grey and wrinkly, me working in the garden, you repainting the deck... Kate smiles gently as she pictures this. KATE (CONTD) Things change, right? People change... (pausing) If you need this, Jack, I mean really need this, I will take these children from a life they love, and take myself from the only home weve ever shared, and move wherever you need to go. Ill do that because I love you... The words are like a warm embrace for Jack... KATE (CONTD) I love you, Jack. And thats more important to me than our address... Kate smiles lovingly at Jack...she walks over to him, kisses him gently on the forehead. KATE (CONTD) I choose us. She turns and heads out of the room, leaving him there, the boarding pass still in hand, staring lovingly at her as she goes... 105 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack walks into the room... The lights are off, Kate already in bed sleeping. He undresses for bed, unable to take his eyes off Kate. Finally, he lifts the covers and climbs into bed next to her, moving closer to her, putting an arm around her, drawing her in... In her sleep, Kate nestles in Jacks embrace. He savors the feeling, then closes his eyes as... They lay there...side by side...together...a single person. DISSOLVE TO: 106 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING The morning light streams into the room. Kate opens her eyes. Jacks not in bed. A look of curiosity. Then, she hears LAUGHTER from outside. She goes over to the window...opens the blinds... revealing... Jack in the backyard, LAUGHING with joy, playing in the snow with Annie and Josh. Kate watches...a satisfied smile sweeping across her face... 107 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BACKYARD - SAME TIME ...Jack reaches out and snags Annie...she CACKLES in delight... The three of them fall over onto the soft white snow... The laughter from the kids is uncontrollable, Jacks joy is just as palpable... Finally, Annie stops laughing and grabs Jack around the neck, hugging his tight. ANNIE (whispering in Jacks ear) I knew youd come back... DISSOLVE TO: 108 INT. GARAGE - NIGHT Jack walks over to a utility shelf, fishing around until he finds a bag of rock salt...he grabs it, sees its empty... And then he hears it...the sound of a BICYCLE BELL RINGING, echoing through the room. A shudder passes through his body... He turns and sees Annie at the open garage door, sitting on her bike, ringing the BELL. Its an eerie moment for Jack... JACK What are you doing? ANNIE (a curious look) Ringing my bell... On Jacks anxious face... 109 OMITTED CHAPTER FIFTEEN SAYING GOODBYE 110 INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT On Jack...crouched down in an aisle of this local convenience store...checking out the bags of rock salt... He looks at the price tag on one of the bags... JACK Four ninety nine?! Its just salt for gods sake... On the entrance to the store...the door opens, a YOUNG GIRL, 17, enters, an average suburban teenager... She glances at a fashion magazine, picks up a package of gum... From the POV of the cashier, we see the girl approach the counter... On Jack, crouched down in the aisle. He grabs a bag of salt from the shelf, when... CASH (O.S.) Thatll be sixty five cents, little angel... Jack registers the voice...he rises slowly, looking over to the front counter...where he sees... Cash, dressed in a typical chain convenience store uniform, ringing up the teenager... An excited smile from Jack at the sight of Cash... JACK You...! Then...the color drains from Jacks face... JACK (CONTD) What are you doing here... Jack moves toward Cash at the counter... JACK (CONTD) Youre not sending me back... The girl eyes Jack curiously, then removes a dollar bill from her pocket and slides it across the counter to Cash... CASH Jack, its good to see you... Cash reaches into the register, taking out change for ten dollars...he hands the girl $9.35... CASH (CONTD) (to the girl) Thank you darlin... The girl looks at the money, realizing that Cash has given her the wrong change... CASH (CONTD) (back to Jack, seeing the rock salt) What do you got there, rock salt? Look at you, all domestic and shit... You really figured some things out, huh? The girl looks at Cash talking to Jack... JACK Im not going back... The girl hesitates...Cash turns to her... CASH (to the girl) Everything okay...? She looks at him, a moment of decision, then... TEENAGE GIRL Yeah...fine. JACK (raising his voice) Hey! Did you hear me...?! Cash ignores Jack, watching the girl as she heads to the door, hesitates a moment, then walks out... A look of disappointment on Cashs face as he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a little notebook... Cash looks at Jack. CASH (making a note in his book) That was a character issue... (shaking his head) ...and for nine dollars? Thats just sad... JACK Hey, Im talking to you! I am not going back, do you understand...?! Cash looks at him, compassion on his face. JACK (CONTD) You cant do this. You cant keep coming in and out of peoples lives, messing things up... CASH Cmon, Jack... Jack throws six bucks on the counter... JACK Ive got kids, Im going home... CASH You know what the word glimpse means, J? Its by nature an impermanent thing. Jack walks determinedly toward the exit. He stops and turns at the door... JACK (pointing at Cash) Im staying. Cash follows him with his eyes, a proud look on Cashs face as Jack leaves... 111 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, JOSHS ROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack walks to Josh. Hes sleeping soundly. Jack gently kisses Josh on the head, careful not to wake him. 112 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, ANNIES ROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack is standing over Annie, kissing her on the cheek. ANNIE (stirring, groggy) Is it morning yet? JACK No, honey. Go back to sleep. She closes her eyes as Jack stands there for a moment looking at her, sadness all over his face. JACK (CONTD) Take care of yourself, Annie. Im going back to the mother ship... Finally, he turns to go... 113 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT The clock reads, 11:17. Kate is already in bed as Jack walks in. KATE (looking up from her book) Hey... Jack approaches her, sitting on the bed... JACK These last weeks, Kate, I know that Ive done some...some unusual things. Kate nods. KATE Its been interesting, thats for sure. JACK But Ive done some good things too, havent I? KATE Youve been Jack Campbell. And thats always a good thing... She kisses him on the cheek. He takes her arms in his hands and looks her in the eyes. JACK I need you to remember me, Kate. How I am right now, right this very moment. I need you to put that image in your heart and keep it with you, no matter what happens. KATE Are you okay, Jack? JACK Please, just promise me youll do that. You have to promise, Kate. Because if you dont, then its like it never happened and I dont think I could live with that. Shes a bit confused but she couldnt be more in love with him. KATE I promise, Jack... JACK Promise me again... KATE I promise. Come to bed, honey. Jack stands up, heading toward the door. JACK Soon... 114 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE NIGHT Snow begins to fall... Jack with Lucy on a leash, walking side by side, his mind elsewhere... Lucy leads him around a corner...to a large open field... Lucy stops. She looks back at Jack, then out to the open field. Jack removes the leash. The dog bounds happily out into the field, looking for just the right spot. Jack puts his hands in his coat pocket...pulls out a half-eaten roll of PEPPERMINT LIFESAVERS, puts one in his mouth... He looks up at the sky, snow gently falling onto his face. Its cold, but its beautiful...peaceful and still...the air clean and crisp... He breathes in the fresh air, the Lifesaver dissolving in his mouth, watching the dog... 115 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT The room is dark... Jack enters, sees Kate sleeping soundly in bed. He sits down in a chair and watches Kate asleep, a sad look in his eyes... As he continues to watch her, to listen to her, his own eyelids appear to grow heavy... He tries to fight the sleep...opening his eyes... focusing on her...but its no use... Finally, he closes his eyes...falling into a deep sleep... CHAPTER SIXTEEN THE OLD LIFE DISSOLVE TO: 116 INT. JACKS APARTMENT, BEDROOM - MORNING A PHONE RINGING Jack, flat on his back in bed...Light streams onto his face ...he stirs... THE PHONE STILL RINGING... Jack reaches over to Kates side...theres no one there. Pull back to reveal...his old Manhattan apartment... his old dressy clothes strewn on the floor... Jack, sleep still in his eyes, reaches over...hes not wearing any pajamas...picks up the phone... JACK (groggy, dazed) Yeah...okay, send her up... He drops the phone...turns back over...lets his eyes stay closed for another moment...then... His eyes open... He looks around...sees his shirtless torso...then his old apartment...tailored clothes on the floor. JACK (CONTD) (sadly) Damnit. Jack looks at the clock, 9:23 a.m. He gets out of bed, throwing on pants and a pair of shoes, and leaves the room... 117 INT. JACKS APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...Jack walks to the door just as... The doorbell RINGS. He stops, then cautiously opens the door, seeing... PAULA, wearing a long overcoat and a wide smile on her face. PAULA Waiting for me by the door, huh? Jack looks at her. JACK Paula... Paula opens her coat the only thing she has on underneath is a sexy little teddy. JACK (CONTD) (momentarily distracted) Thats totally see through... PAULA (smiling) Merry Christmas... JACK (confused) Christmas? It cant be Christmas... Jack stares at her, totally confused... PAULA (lasciviously) Its whatever you want it to be, Jack... Jack grabs a leather jacket then walks right by a shocked Paula and heads out the door, practically running down the corridor. PAULA (CONTD) Jack?...Jack! CUT TO: 118 EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE - MORNING Jacks Ferrari speeds down the bridge, toward Jersey... 119 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - MORNING Jacks Ferrari pulls up in the driveway and he hops out. He races to the front door, POUNDING on it... A MAN in a Van Heusen shirt and Hagar slacks answers. Jack stares at him in shock. MAN Can I help you? JACK Is Kate here? Does Kate live here?! MAN Kate? No, theres no one here named Kate. Is that good enough for you? Jack starts rapping his head against the door post, much to the shock of the guy standing there. JACK Damn...damn...damn... MAN Hey, are you okay? JACK No...Im not... MAN Is there anything I can do for you? Jack shakes his head mournfully. MAN (CONTD) Hey, my wifes in the kitchen. You got a cigarette? JACK Im sorry, no... Jack walks off, beleaguered... 120 EXT. ARNIES HOUSE - MINUTES LATER Jacks car drives by as Arnie carries a bicycle box out to the garbage. The car screeches to a halt in front of the driveway. ARNIE (shouting at Jack) Hey, you cant park that thing here. JACK (out the window) Its me, Jack... ARNIE I dont care if youre Tim Allen with your fancy car and all your tools, you still cant park here. JACK Tell me you recognize me, Arnie. Please... ARNIE Howd you know my name? JACK We bowl together. Were bowlers ...we won a championship...were winners. ARNIE I never won anything in bowling. Arnie peers at Jack through the window. ARNIE (CONTD) Wait a second... (thinking) Jack...Jack... JACK Yes...Jack Campbell... ARNIE Of course. Jack Campbell. I went to high school with you...you played baseball, right? (at the Ferrari) Youre doing well... JACK (remembering) Yes, thats it...yes, we went to high school together. ARNIE You never really talked to me. I wanted to talk to you, man... JACK Yeah...I guess I just wanted you to know, we couldve been really good friends... 120A INT. FERRARI - DAY Jack driving...a CELL PHONE RINGS. A curious look on Jacks face, its been a while since hes heard that sound. JACK (answering phone) Hello? ADELLE (O.S.) Hey Santa, where are you? Everybodys here. JACK Adelle? ADELLE (O.S.) You were supposed to be here half an hour ago...the emergency strategy session? Your trip to Aspen? Theyre all panicked here... Silence from Jack... ADELLE (CONTD, O.S.) Jack...? Are you going through the tunnel? Finally, Jack shakes his head, defeated. JACK Ill be there in twenty minutes... CUT TO: 121 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, CONFERENCE ROOM - NOON TIME Its a beehive of activity... Jacks TEAM, anxiously going over reports and flow charts, working the phones, drinking coffee... Jack enters, still reeling from his experience, taking a moment to observe the action... Mintz spots him... ALAN (into phone) Thank god, Jacks here. Ill call you right back... He hangs up the phone as all eyes in the room turn to Jack, immediately fixating on how disheveled he looks. ALAN (CONTD) (approaching) Jack, are you okay? JACK (in a daze) Whats going on here? ALAN Its not good. Bob Thomas has secretly been talking to a European drug company. Were not sure which one, Julias on it right now. Word is theyre willing to let him buy a minority stake and keep running the entire company. The Global people are up in arms. They say we shouldve been prepared for this. Were in trouble here, Jack... Jack looks at Alan for a minute. JACK You know something, Alan. Theres a much more assertive person somewhere inside of you... Alan looks at him, confused. ALAN Excuse me? JACK But I think I like you better this way... ALAN Is this another one of those Sun Tzu Art of War tricks? A sad laugh from Jack. JACK No. ALAN So what are we gonna do, Jack? Jack wallows for another moment in his own sadness... ALAN (CONTD) Jack...? Jack snaps out of it, turning to Alan and the rest of the group... JACK Ill tell you exactly what were going to do. Youre going to do whatever you have to do to find out which European company hes been talking to. Then Im going to clean myself up, fly to Aspen, and drink egg nog with Bob Thomas. His wife and kids will be playing in the background while I spend Christmas day convincing him that the European company is the devil and Global is the answer to his prayers, after all... (growing wistful) Then Im going to spend four hours skiing. Alone. On Christmas day. Completely and utterly alone. Im going to do that because that is my life, that is whats real, and there is nothing I can do to change that... Jack leaves the office to the shocked stares of his team. 122 EXT. BROADWAY - DAY Jacks limo makes its way downtown. 123 INT. LIMO - SAME TIME Jack in the back seat of the limo, sadly looking out the window, watching the buildings pass by... He turns away, looks at the phone...haltingly picks it up... JACK (dialing 411) For Manhattan...Kate Reynolds...I need an address too... Jack jots something down on a business card. Then he hangs up the phone, thinks a moment, looks out the window, then turns to the driver... JACK (CONTD) Make a right here... DRIVER But the airports the other way... JACK Were not going to the airport... CUT TO: 123A EXT. KATES BUILDING - DAY Jacks limo pulls up outside this house on Washington Mews... Jack gets out... 124 INT. EAST SIDE APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY - AFTERNOON Jack stands outside an apartment door. He hears The Clashs London Calling BLARING from inside. He rings the bell...the volume of the music gets lower... Kates assistant, LORI, 20s, opens the door...Jack exchanges a curious look with her. LORI Are you from the shipping company? JACK Im Jack Campbell...Im an old... friend of Kates. I just called. The woman looks at him, then walks back inside... LORI (O.S.) Kate! Some guys here! Beat. Jack waits anxiously at the door. Then... KATE (O.S) (to Lori) Did you call the airline like I asked?! Jacks eyes come alive as Kate appears wearing jeans and a white blouse...except for her hair, she looks the same. JACK Kate... KATE Jack...God, its been so long...You look... She searches for a kind word, but he looks terrible. JACK You look great. KATE Its good to see you... She looks at him another moment, then turns... KATE (CONTD) (yelling inside) Lori! Wheres that box?! Kate walks inside, Jack follows her in sheepishly. 125 INT. KATES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS ...Jack accidentally knocks into a stack of boxes, sending a GLASS CANDY DISH CRASHING to the floor, SHATTERING it... JACK (bending down) I'm sorry... KATE Dont worry about it, Jack... Jack looks up at...a beehive of activity Lori on the phone, boxes stacked everywhere, TWO MOVERS packing up... JACK Whats going on? KATE (searching around) Im moving to Paris...it was right here... (to Lori) Its a box marked Jack. I put it in the stack for the Salvation Army... JACK Paris? LORI (to Kate, with attitude) Do you want me to look for the box or call the airline? KATE Hey, kind of under a little pressure here. LORI Hey, kind of giving up Christmas day for my ex-boss here. Jack watches this back and forth. KATE You didnt seem to mind offering to help me on Christmas day when you were unwrapping that Prada bag I gave you. LORI Maybe its by the wardrobe boxes... Kate heads over to some tall wardrobe boxes. JACK Youre moving... KATE Uh huh. To Paris. My firm has an office there and Im going to be heading it up. JACK (stunned) To Paris. Paris, France. KATE (searching the boxes) Thats the one... JACK So youre not at a non- profit firm? KATE (a chuckle) Not with what they pay me... JACK Youre not married, are you? KATE No, Jack, I never got married. You? JACK Not exactly... (looking around) Can we just take a minute here? Maybe get a cup of coffee or something...? LORI (yelling) Ill go for a cup of coffee! KATE Yes! A relieved smile from Jack... KATE (CONTD) I found it! LORI Congratulations. The La Guardia flights canceled but I got you out of Kennedy on United at nine. Am I good or what? Jacks smile disappears as Kate hands him a sealed box marked, Jack... KATE Here you go. Its just some old things of yours... Jack stands here, looking at the box, then at Kate... JACK Do you ever think about us, Kate? About what might have happened...? A bemused LAUGH from Kate. Then she sees hes not laughing... KATE Youre serious... A nod from Jack... KATE (CONTD) Ill tell you what, Jack, if youre ever in Paris, look me up. Maybe well go for that cup of coffee. One of the movers passes by Jack carrying a box... Jack looks at Kate, flush with the realization that this isnt the same woman he knew thirteen years ago, or left yesterday. JACK Sure. Goodbye, Kate. He leaves... CUT TO: 126 INT. JACKS APARTMENT - EVENING A scratchy Zeppelin album, the song All Of My Love, fills the room. Jack, a fifth of Bushmills by his side, goes through the box Kate gave him. He removes a worn leather jacket, feeling the soft material, then a Mondale for President button, which Jack smiles upon seeing, a couple Neil Young concert ticket stubs... He puts the leather jacket on, then sticks the Mondale button on the lapel. He digs back into the box, finding... A messy, dog-eared copy of Cats Cradle...not the one Kate gave him at the airport, the one she replaced... Jack looks at it for a moment...lost in his sadness... then... He looks over at the clock, it reads, 8:29. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN ONE LAST TRY CUT TO: 127 EXT. VAN WYCK EXPRESSWAY - NIGHT Jack in his Ferrari, racing down the highway at 120 MPH... He looks at the clock, it reads, 8:46. He opens up the throttle... 128 EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT, UNITED TERMINAL - MINUTES LATER Snow is falling as Jacks car races up to the terminal then stops. He jumps out. An AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD sees him... AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD Hey, you cant leave that there! Jack runs into the terminal, ignoring the guard... 129 INT. UNITED TERMINAL - SECONDS LATER Jack looking at the board. The nine oclock to Paris - Gate 8A. Jack sprints toward the gate... 130 INT. UNITED TERMINAL, GATE AREA - SECONDS LATER ...and gets there just as the flight is boarding. Jack looks through the crowd, spotting Kate near the front of the line, about to hand her ticket to the gate attendant. He pushes through the throng of people, drawing some annoyed stares, finally making his way over to Kate. JACK (calling out) Kate! Kate turns and sees Jack, a look of puzzlement on her face. JACK (CONTD) You cant go! KATE Jesus, Jack... JACK Dont get on that plane! KATE Jack. JACK Please. Lets just go have a cup of coffee. Thats all Im asking for. Im sure theres another flight to Paris tonight. KATE What do you want from me? You want me to tell you everything that happened was okay? Jack just stands there, unsure... KATE (CONTD) Well it is. Yes, I was heartbroken ...But I got over it. I moved on. People change, Jack. I changed. I dont know why you suddenly feel the need to revisit that time in our lives but I assure you, its over... Kate turns her back to Jack, leaving him standing there... He watches her walk to the podium, realizing shes right... He sees Kate reach the podium...hand her ticket to the attendant... Finally, a look of determination crosses his face... JACK (at Kate) We have a house in Jersey! Kate turns to him with a look that could kill. KATE Dont do this, Jack... But he continues... JACK We have two kids, Annie and Josh... ...Kate looks at him, half-mortified, half- interested... JACK (CONTD) ...Annies not much of a violin player but she tries really hard. Shes a little precocious but thats only because she says whats on her mind. And when she smiles... Jack shakes his head, remembering, fighting back the tears... JACK (CONTD) And Josh...he has your eyes. He doesnt say much but we know hes smart... (lost in the memory) ...hes always got his eyes open, always watching us... sometimes you can look at him and just know that hes learning something new... its like witnessing a miracle... Kates expression has sifted from annoyance to curiosity. JACK (CONTD) ...the house is a mess, but its ours... (chuckling) ...well, after a hundred twenty two more payments it will be... Jack begins walking slowly toward Kate...the world of the airport going on around him, Jack not caring... JACK (CONTD) And you...youre a non- profit lawyer. Thats right, completely non-profit. But that doesnt seem to bother you... Kate raises an eyebrow. Its something shes thought about. JACK (CONTD) And were in love. After thirteen years of marriage were still unbelievably in love... (with a chuckle) You wont even let me touch you until Ive said it... Jack gets closer and closer...Kates spellbound now... imagining the picture Jacks painting... JACK (CONTD) ...I sing to you...not all the time but definitely on special occasions... Jack walks into a piece of carry-on luggage sitting by a row of passengers... JACK (CONTD) (off hand, to passenger) Excuse me... (to Kate) We made a lot of sacrifices, dealt with our share of surprises, but we stayed together... Jacks nearly there... JACK (CONTD) You see, youre a better person than I am... Not in this life, and Kate knows it... JACK (CONTD) ...and it made me a better person to be around you... Kate is perfectly still, Jacks words echoing in her ears. JACK (CONTD) Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and imagined it all. But I swear, nothings ever felt more real to me... Hes right in front of her. She cant take her eyes off him. JACK (CONTD) And if you get on that plane right now, itll disappear forever. Silence. Jack and Kate in their own little world...airport business going on around them... JACK (CONTD) I know we can both go on with our lives. And wed both be fine. But Ive seen what we can be like together...And I choose us... Jacks words resonate in her ears. He gently touches a hand to her arm... JACK (CONTD) Please, Kate, one cup of coffee. You can always go to Paris. Just please, not tonight... She stands there, frozen, staring into Jacks eyes, searching for the answer. KATE Okay, Jack... DISSOLVE TO: 131 INT. AIRPORT - LATE NIGHT Jack and Kate, framed in the window of a nearly empty airport coffee shop...through the window, we see snow falling outside. From a distance we see them...TALKING and LAUGHING over a cup of coffee... FADE OUT.CHAPTER ONE - EARLY HISTORY 1 INT. KENNEDY AIRPORT, PAN AM TERMINAL - NIGHT SUPER: AUTUMN, 1987 A line of PASSENGERS about to board a Pan Am flight to London. JACK CAMPBELL, 22, head full of long unkempt hair, Tom Selleck mustache, the hopeful look of youth in his eyes... sitting next to... KATE REYNOLDS, 21, pretty, Dorothy Hamill haircut... rubbing the tears from her swollen red eyes... KATE I got you a few necessities... Kate hands Jack a new copy of Vonneguts Cats Cradle. KATE (CONTD) Your copy was a mess... Jack accepts the book but hes unable to take his eyes off Kate. She hands him a cassette. KATE (CONTD) Every one of these songs will remind you of me in a slightly different way... JACK All in one tape? KATE I also put side two of London Calling on there... Kate leans over and kisses him passionately on the lips. KATE (CONTD) That was not officially the goodbye kiss. It was just an interim kiss... He looks at her, his eyes welling up. He pulls her close, kissing her deeply. Then... ANNOUNCER (O.S.) This will be the final boarding call for Pan Am flight 4 to London, Heathrow. Jack takes Kates hand, getting up, turning sadly to the gate. KATE You have your ticket? Jack pulls out a BLUE PAN AM TICKET ENVELOPE. Kate nods. They embrace and kiss again. As they separate. JACK Im not even gonna say it, Kate. Maybe itll be like I never left... Jack takes one lastlook at her, then heads for the gate. Kate stands there, watching him go. Then... ...a moment of intuition. Something isnt right. She looks at Jack, about to disappear into the jetway, trying to decide... KATE Wait. Jack turns. Kate approaches him. KATE (CONTD) I have a bad feeling about this. JACK About the plane? What do you think its gonna crash? Dont say that... KATE (shaking her head) I know weve talked about this a thousand times and we both agree that going to London is the right thing to do. But in my heart... this feels wrong. She looks at the gate...the last few passengers are boarding, then back into Jacks eyes. KATE (CONTD) Dont go, Jack... JACK You mean dont go at all? What about my internship? KATE Believe me I know what an incredible opportunity this is for you... JACK For us, Kate. KATE Right, for us. But...Im afraid that if you get on that plane... JACK What? Kate looks at him, pleading with her eyes, but she cant say... KATE (torn) Go. Im sorry, you should just go... JACK (thinking, then...) No, youre right. What are we doing? KATE We're being responsible. Go. Get on the plane. His eyes narrow as he measures her determination... KATE (CONT'D) (a smile) Get the hell outta my sight. You bother me. A laugh from Jack. Kate gives him a calm smile and a nod - it's not entirely convincing but it's enough for Jack. JACK (resolute) Okay, I'm going... He takes her in his arms one last time and hugs her tight. Jack looks toward the gate, the line disappearing...Kate grasps his shirt tightly. KATE I can't seem to let go of you... JACK You hear me complaining about that? A sober look in Jack's eyes. JACK (CONT'D) Look, we're at the airport and no one ever thinks clearly at the airport so we should just trust the decision we already made. You've been accepted to one of the best law schools in the country, I've got this internship at Barclay's Bank. We have a great plan, honey... Kate nods, then, with resolve... KATE You want to do something great, Jack? Let's flush the plan...start our lives right now, today...I don't know what that life's gonna look like but I do know it has both of us in it. And I choose us... Jack is jolted by her words. KATE (CONT'D) The plan doesn't make us great, Jack. What we have together, that's what makes us great. Her words sink in...A long moment of decision...He looks toward the gate, only one person left in line...back to Kate...imploring him with her eyes. Finally...He kisses her deeply on the lips... JACK I love you, Kate... ...a smile from Kate...relief...then... JACK (CONT'D) (taking her face in his hands) ...and a year in London's not gonna change that. A hundred years couldn't change that... Jack gives her one final kiss then walks pensively to the gate, handing the attendant his ticket, not able to look back. Kate watches him go, tears streaming down her face, as the gate door closes behind him. She waits, almost willing it to open again...waiting...waiting...but it doesn't... DISSOLVE TO: 1A EXT. MANHATTAN - ESTABLISHING - DAY The skating rink at Central Park...Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center...the view down Fifth Avenue with Christmas decorations...Park Avenue. 2 EXT. MANHATTAN - EARLY MORNING We close in on a spectacular pre-war doorman building... 3 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS A huge space with gleaming hardwood floors, ornate moldings, and a great view of the Hudson and Jersey behind it... The place looks like a museum display...everything is of the highest quality and meticulously maintained. A wall of photos - Jack and Clinton, Jack with Patrick Ewing, Jack between Alan Greenspan and Henry Kravis. And a "Willie Mays" baseball bat encased in glass... 4 INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ...impeccably decorated and obsessively neat. Close in on the bed where JACK CAMPBELL, now 35, sans mustache and long hair, opens his eyes. A FLASH of bright morning light from the window. Jack shields his eyes, turning his head toward the bathroom where he sees... A WOMAN'S BACK...draped in a towel...an incredible back, neither flabby nor overly toned, beautifully curved...Jack focuses on it a moment. As the woman turns to him... PAULA. Beautiful, late 20s, a toothbrush in her mouth... PAULA (holding up toothbrush) I hope you don't mind. There were like ten new ones in the cabinet. A playful smile from Paula. JACK It's not what you think. I took Mentadent public... Paula smiles, moves over to a chair and grabs a little black dress hanging neatly over it. PAULA Did you really mean what you said about Tuscany? JACK Of course I did. PAULA Last night was great... JACK You are an amazing lover. You should be giving motivational seminars. PAULA Thanks. You're not bad yourself... Jack grabs his Frank Mueller watch from the night stand, puts it on his wrist. He looks at Paula as she slips the dress on. JACK I want to see you again. PAULA I'd like that, too. JACK Tonight. She turns to him. PAULA It's Christmas Eve, Jack. JACK So we'll get egg nog. Paula laughs. PAULA (putting on her shoes) I have to go to my parents' house out in Jersey. Would you like to come? JACK Jersey? You know what the traffic's gonna be like? PAULA I'm taking the train... Paula approaches Jack, leaning over him, her long hair dangling on his chest. PAULA (CONT'D) Don't you have anywhere to go? JACK I've got plenty of places to go. He stays there, confident, sexy, waiting for an answer... PAULA (a sexy laugh, then...) Maybe I can try and sneak away some time tomorrow morning... (kissing him on the lips) Okay? JACK (coy) If it's something you feel strongly about. Paula walks to the door, then turns back to Jack. PAULA It was nice meeting you, Jack... CHAPTER TWO - MAIN TITLES 4A INT. JACKS APARTMENT - MORNING Jack saunters over to a Yamaha Grand Disclavier in the living room. He puts a disk into the piano and... ...the keys come alive with the music of BACH. Jack hits a switch and suddenly the entire apartment is enveloped in music... 4B INT. JACKS BUILDING, CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Paula, waiting for the elevator, hears the MUSIC emanating from Jacks apartment...an intrigued glance back at the apartment door as the elevator arrives... 5 INT. JACKS BATHROOM - MORNING Backs Passion According to St. Matthew is blaring through the speakers, the music is swelling to full orchestra... Jacks at the mirror in this incredibly neat marble- tiled bathroom, shaving with a silver-plated Hammacher Schlemmer razor, HUMMING with the orchestra... 6 INT. JACKS CLOSET - MORNING ...the size of a small house, a long row of Zegna suits, shoe trees stacked with Italian shoes, tailored shirts everywhere. Jacks still HUMMING to the music as he dresses in front of a mirror. 7 INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING Jack, wearing an elegant camels hair overcoat and carrying a leather briefcase, a Master of the Universe smile on his face, now HUMMING the Bach piece from memory... The doors open at 6. Jack self-consciously stops singing as ELIZABETH PETERSON, 60s, wearing a mink coat, gets on the elevator carrying a yappy little dog. JACK (a charming smile) Mrs. Peterson. MRS. PETERSON Hello Jack. You dont have to stop singing on my account... JACK Its because Im shy, Betty. So, when are you going to leave that old corpse Mr. Peterson and run away with me? MRS. PETERSON You know you could never satisfy me the way he does... The doors open to the lobby. Mrs. Peterson walks out ahead. 8 INT. JACKS BUILDING, LOBBY - MORNING TONY THE DOORMAN holds the door open for Jack and Mrs. Peterson... TONY THE DOORMAN Merry Christmas, Mr. Campbell. JACK Howd you do this year, Tony? TONY THE DOORMAN About four grand. And a bottle of twenty five year old scotch from Mrs. Johnson in 9D. Im putting it all in commercial paper like you said. JACK Just until the Deutsche Mark turns... Jack exits the building... 9 OMITTED 9A EXT. CENTRAL PARK - MORNING Jacks Ferrari racing through the park... 10 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - MORNING A modern Wall Street building. The sign above the glass doors reads, P.K. Lassiter and Associates, Investment House. The Ferrari SCREECHES to a halt. Jack gets out, heads into the building... 10A INT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS ...Jack throws his keys to a nearby SECURITY GUARD with a smile on his way to the elevators... CHAPTER THREE - JACK THE BUSINESSMAN DISSOLVE TO: 11 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The Manhattan skyline shines through the windows of this beautiful conference room. SIX EXECUTIVES are seated at a huge oak table littered with coffee cups and lunch waste. At the end of the table, ALAN MINTZ, 30s, balding, sits with a faraway look in his eyes, three empty Diet Coke cans in front of him. Mintz is poking at a shiny gold cherub dangling from a small, plastic Christmas tree, sitting in the middle of the table. Jack is addressing the group from the front of the room, standing in front of a computer with a huge flat screen monitor, covered with stock charts and tables... JACK ...if MedTech's shares sink any lower than... (casually executing a keystroke) ...forty three, we're in trouble with the stock valuation. So for god's sake watch what you say to your institutional customers... Jack notices Alan Mintz playing with the cherub. JACK (CONT'D) ...we still have almost a full day of trading before zero hour and I don't want any trouble... (distracted by Mintz) ...penny for your thoughts, Alan... Alan looks up. ALAN Sorry, Jack. I told Dee and the kids I'd be home by dinner. You know, it being Christmas Eve and all. JACK Is that tonight? A LAUGH from the group. Jack approaches Alan. JACK (CONT'D) You think I like being here on Christmas Eve, Alan? ALAN I don't know. Maybe... Another LAUGH. Even Jack lets out a good-natured chuckle. JACK Okay, maybe I do have a touch of tunnel vision this holiday season. But in two days we're going to announce one of the largest mergers in U.S. corporate history. Thirty billion dollars... (basking in the glory) When this kind of deal turns up you get on and you ride it `till it's over. You don't ask it for a vacation... A chuckle from the group...the esprit de corps seems to energize Jack. JACK (CONT'D) (to the group) December 26th. After that there'll be so much money floating around here it'll be like Christmas every day... (smiling) December 26th, people. If you'd like to celebrate that day, you all have my blessing... Enthusiastic nods and words of agreement from the suits around the table... ALAN You're right, Jack. Sorry... Jack approaches Alan. JACK I don't want you to be sorry, Alan, I want you to be excited. I want my gift to be the first one you open this year. You know why? ALAN Why Jack? JACK Because my gift comes with ten zeroes at the end... A MURMUR of excitement in the room, even Alan cracks a smile. Jack puts a hand on Alan's shoulder. JACK (CONT'D) Good man... 12 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - NIGHT The conference room door opens and the SIX ENERGIZED SUITS emerge, each met by an ASSISTANT handing them messages. Jack is the last one out. He's met in stride by ADELLE, 50s, carrying a Filofax and a pile of phone messages. ADELLE Only eight thirty? What's the matter, had some last minute shopping to do? Jack pops a peppermint Lifesaver in his mouth as Adelle hands him his messages. JACK You too? This holiday's about giving, Adelle. And I'm giving everything I've got to this deal, so in a way, I'm more Christmassy than anyone... (holding out the candy) Lifesaver? ADELLE (ignoring the candy) You're a ray of sunshine, Jack. They approach an office, the words, "Jack Campbell - President" stenciled on the glass... 13 INT. JACK'S OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ...continuing past Adelle's desk, Jack looking at his messages, and into Jack's office... 14 INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS A cavernous office, you could land a helicopter in it - high tech fixtures, full bar, leather sofa, $3,000 Stairmaster... Jack walks to an enormous, bare mahogany desk, and sits down in a high tech ergonomic leather chair. ADELLE Oh, and Oxxford called... JACK Ooh, my suits are ready... He gets to the last message, sees the name on it, and reels back. JACK (CONT'D) Kate Reynolds... ADELLE Her assistant said you could call her at home after eight. Jack stares at the message like he's looking at a ghost. JACK Her assistant? ADELLE Yeah Jack, her assistant... JACK (lost in the message) Kate Reynolds was my girlfriend in college. I almost married her... ADELLE (a hearty LAUGH) You? Married? JACK (snapping out of it) Almost married. And almost a junior broker at E.F. Hutton... ADELLE Excuse me? JACK She didn't want me to go to London. We're standing at the airport saying goodbye and she asks me to stay. ADELLE So you left her? Just like that? JACK God, no. I thought about it for practically the entire flight... ADELLE Stop Jack, I'm getting all weepy. JACK I took the road less traveled, Adelle. ADELLE And look where it's led you... (picking up the phone) I'm gonna get her on the phone... Jack pauses, focused on the message, his mind drifting back... Adelle begins dialing the number. Finally, Jack reaches out and hangs up the phone. JACK No... ADELLE No?! You almost married this woman. Aren't you even curious what she wants? JACK She's probably just having a fit of nostalgia. You know, lonely Christmas Eve, call the one that got away, that kind of thing. Adelle rolls her eyes at him. JACK (CONT'D) I'm telling you, it's ancient history... Jack looks up as PETER LASSITER, 60s, founder and chairman of P.K. Lassiter and Associates, saunters into the room. LASSITER Eight forty-five on Christmas Eve and Jack Campbell is still at his desk. There's a Hallmark moment for you... Lassiter heads to the bar like he's done it a million times. JACK Peter. I don't see you rushing home to trim the tree. LASSITER (pouring himself a scotch) That's because I'm a heartless bastard who only cares about money. JACK And God love you for it. Lassiter drops down in a soft leather chair opposite Jack. LASSITER (sipping the scotch) I just got a call from Terry Haight. Bob Thomas is nervous... JACK That'll happen when you're about to spend thirty billion dollars on some aspirin... LASSITER Someone's gonna have to nurse him through this. JACK Why are you staring at my breasts, Peter? LASSITER I need you, tiger.. JACK Where is he? LASSITER Aspen. Jack pauses for a beat. JACK (to Adelle) Call Aunt Irma. Tell her I won't be able to make it tomorrow... Adelle rolls her eyes at him... LASSITER You're a credit to capitalism, Jack. Jack glances at Adelle, then looks back at Lassiter. JACK Hey Peter, lemme ask you a question. An old girlfriend calls you out of the blue on Christmas Eve... LASSITER You suddenly having trouble getting dates? JACK Not by a long shot. LASSITER Then leave it in the past. Old flames are like old tax returns. You keep `em in the file cabinet for three years and then you cut `em loose. Jack shoots Adelle a satisfied smile, crumpling up Kate's message and tossing a perfect hook into a N.Y. Knicks hoop. JACK (to Adelle) I'll leave from the office tomorrow afternoon. Call the group. Schedule an emergency strategy session for noon. ADELLE That'll be a nice little holiday treat. 15 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - NIGHT A single light remains on in the building. 16 INT. JACK'S OFFICE - SAME TIME Jack is alone in the office working on his computer, checking spreadsheets on a large flat screen monitor. Jack leans back in his chair rubbing his eyes. He checks his watch. It's past eleven. He gets up, goes to the window, sees the city in all its Christmas glory, then he see it... ...the message from Kate, crumpled in the trashcan...then turns back to the window, gazing out at the night... 17 INT. LASSITER BUILDING - NIGHT Jack comes out of the elevator, walking past the lobby desk where FRANK, a security guard, sits watching the monitors. FRANK Mr. Campbell. Why didn't you call down, I would've had Joe get your ride. Jack looks outside the front door to the snowy, quiet street. JACK I'm thinking I might walk tonight, Frank. FRANK Nice night for it. I'll have Louis send your car home. A nod from Jack. FRANK (CONT'D) Merry Christmas to you, sir... JACK Thanks. To you too... Jack puts on a pair of soft leather gloves and heads out into the crisp night air... 18 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINOUS Jack emerges from the building, walking across the large plaza, past the fountain...snow begins to fall... 19 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - A LITTLE LATER Jack's walking down the nearly empty street, snow falling down on him, a bounce in his step, looking at the windows of the closed shops along the way. He gets to the end of the block spots the Wong Brothers' 24 Hour Deli across the street... He heads toward it... 20 INT. WONG BROTHERS' DELI - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the brightly lit deli... SAM WONG, 20s, is with his 80-year-old GRANDFATHER behind the counter. There's a NERDY COLLEGE KID at the salad bar, a drunken DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA at the liquor display, a WOMAN with a BABY in an aisle and... ...a BLACK MAN, 30s, with a dollar sign and the name "CASH" tattooed on his arm, stands in front of the coffee machine... CASH Oh yeah...yeah, yee-ah! She's a certified winner...paper- thin but good as gold... Jack notices Cash talking to himself, seemingly crazy. Jack approaches Sam Wong at the counter. JACK Egg nog? SAM WONG (pointing) Dairy case. Five dollar. CASH (in the b.g., to Sam Wong) Y'all do the lotto here...? `Cause I got me a winner...I know, I know, Lotto keeps the black man down... but not me... Jack grabs a carton of egg nog, then notices Cash handing Sam Wong his ticket. Jack heads back toward the counter... CASH (CONT'D) ...06...14...18...48...right there. Four numbers...that's two hundred and thirty eight dollar... (a smile) Merry Christmas and shit... SAM WONG (barely looking at ticket) Ticket bad. You draw in lines with pencil. CASH What're you talkin' about? SAM WONG (throwing the ticket back) You draw lines with pencil! I know about this! The woman with the baby looks over...the college kid looks up, nervous...the drunken Santa, bottle of bourbon in hand, starts to walk by Jack...Jack instinctively puts an arm out, holding the Santa back... CASH What!? Look at the ticket...! SAM WONG Get out, I call 911. The Santa looks at Jack, confused. CASH You're lookin' at me, you're not even lookin' at the ticket! The woman with the baby puts a loaf of bread back on the shelf, starts nervously inching toward the door. SAM WONG You leave now. Take ticket somewhere else. (calling out) Next customer in line...! CASH You first generation, xenophobic, money-theistic, hot pastrami sandwich making... SAM WONG (screaming) Get out! Just watching...Cash shoves the ticket in Sam Wong's face... CASH LOOK AT THE GODDAMN TICKET!! A moment of decision for Jack. Then... JACK (carefully) Let me see that ticket. Cash turns to Jack. CASH (menacing) Was I talkin' to you?! Jack looks at the woman, the college kid, the Santa, then... JACK Maybe I'll buy it from you. Now Cash walks over to Jack... CASH Guy in $2,000 suit gets ass kicked tryin' to be a hero. Film at eleven... (then...turning to the coffee machine) What?! Oh no, not another lookie-loo. You know how big a job this is? The patrons exchange nervous glances...Jack watches, confused. CASH (CONT'D) You're double bookin' me! You're gonna get double billed! Shit! Cash throws a bottle of Perrier against the wall, it SHATTERS. The woman reels back in terror with the baby... JACK Hey, c'mon... In a flash, Cash whips a .38 from the back of his pants, aiming it at Jack's face. The woman SCREAMS, covers her baby. CASH (in Jack's face) Do you want to die? Jack stares at Cash, trying his best to keep his cool... CASH (CONT'D) DO YOU WANNA DIE?! JACK No. CASH (a smile) Yes you do... JACK Look, I'm talking about a business deal here. I buy the ticket for two hundred, take it to a store where the guy behind the counter... (glaring at Sam Wong) ...doesn't have a death wish (back to Cash) ...I just made myself a quick thirty eight dollars. Cash gets closer... JACK (CONT'D) Like I said, it's a business deal... CASH Damn, you are the real thing... Cash narrows his eyes...then, a smile as he puts the gun back into his pants... CASH (CONT'D) C'mon, Jack, let's get outta here... (to Sam Wong) You were lookin' at me, papa, you shoulda been lookin' at the ticket. That ticket was legit, B. You're fake... Cash starts out of the deli. Jack follows... 21 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - MINUTES LATER Jack and Cash walking down the street...Jack, holding his carton of egg nog under his arm, counting out two hundred dollars... JACK How'd you know my name was Jack? CASH I call all you white guys "Jack." Jack nods... CASH (CONT'D) You know you seem pretty relaxed for a guy who just had a gun pulled on him. JACK There's no way I was gonna die in that deli... (off Cash's look) Let's just say I've been on a lucky streak lately. CASH (a big LAUGH) A lucky streak, huh? Jack hands him the money. CASH (CONT'D) Sound pretty sure of yourself, don't you? Jack nods. CASH (CONT'D) So you're telling me, you've got a gun to your head and you don't think for one second, what if this, what if that, maybe I shouldn't do this, I shoulda done that. JACK I don't do that. That's just not for me... Cash looks at him, then smiles. CASH Okay, Jack. Nice doing business with you... Cash is about to take off... JACK Hey... Cash turns around. JACK (CONT'D) What do you want to carry that gun around for, anyway? You're just gonna do something you'll regret... CASH You want to talk about regrets, you're talking to the wrong person. Jack casually takes the egg nog out of the bag, opens the carton... JACK I'm just saying that you seem like a smart guy. At a certain point you're gonna do something, and then there's no turning back... CASH Yeah, in most cases that'd be true. Jack takes a sip of the egg nog. JACK I mean there must be programs out there, opportunities... CASH (a deep laugh) Wait a minute, wait a minute... you're tryin' to save me? A look from Jack... CASH (CONT'D) Oh man, you're serious... (out to the street) This man thinks I need to be saved! JACK Everyone needs something. Cash looks at Jack... CASH Yeah? What do you need? JACK Me? CASH You just said everyone needs something. JACK I've got everything I need. CASH Wow. It must be great being you. You got it all. Cash looks at Jack. He smiles and shakes his head. JACK Look, I'm not saying you'd be able to do it without some hard work... CASH (a hearty LAUGH) You still think this is about me, don't you? JACK Sure it's about you. But it's about society, too. CASH Oh man, I'm gonna enjoy this one... Just remember, Jack, you did this. You brought this on yourself... And with that, Cash turns and leaves Jack alone on the street with his egg nog... 22 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Jack walks in and throws his keys on a table. He takes off his gloves and overcoat, glances at the mail, then heads into the bedroom. Through the large windows we see snow falling... 23 INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack, flat on his back in bed, fast asleep... CHAPTER FOUR - A DIFFERENT LIFE DISSOLVE TO: 24 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING Close in on Jacks face, bathed in morning light...he opens his eyes...feels something strange... Jack looks down...theres a womans head resting on his chest. A look of confusion crosses his face...trying to remember... did he meet a woman last night...? He turns his head to find a large MUTT sitting faithfully beside the bed, wagging his tail... ...did she have a dog? He looks down at the woman again, craning his neck to get a look at her face. And then he sees her... ...KATE REYNOLDS... ...now 34 and even more beautiful, a look of utter contentment on her radiant face, sleeping soundly... His head darts around the room - its cramped and lived in, clothes and toys are strewn about, family photos on the dresser, Laura Ashley curtains, a tiny poster bed and a charming little bay window. He instinctively reaches for his Franck Mueller watch on the night stand, but its not there. Its a Timex Indiglo and it reads, 7:57 A.M... Jack looks back at Kate...he rubs his eyes...maybe its a dream...but nothing changes. Then, Kate stirs... KATE Mmmm...ten more minutes, Jack... its Christmas... Jack jumps as he hears Kate talk for the first time... Suddenly, the door bursts open...A SIX YEAR OLD GIRL, ANNIE, in a little nightgown, walks into the room carrying an 18 MONTH OLD BOY, JOSH, SINGING at the top of her lungs... ANNIE Jingle bells, Santa s mells, Rudolph laid an egg...la la la, la-la la la, la la la la la... Annie places Josh on the bed and then jumps up herself. She gestures to the dog, patting the bed. ANNIE (CONTD) You too, Luce... The dog faithfully jumps on the tiny bed, joining everybody else and leaving very little room. Annie starts jumping. ANNIE (CONTD) Rise...and...shine...! KATE (stirring) Youre jumping, sweetheart... Jack looks at this activity like a man at his own funeral. ANNIE Mom, dont you think we need to open the presents? KATE (groggy) Mommy needs five more minutes in la la land. That could be her present... Josh crawls directly up to Jacks stomach, climbing on. ANNIE Cmon, Dad. Get up! She said Dad. Thats it. Jack moves the baby gingerly over, then gets out of bed, stumbling over a baseball bat lying next to it. He picks up the bat...the same Willie Mays autograph bat that was encased in glass in his N.Y. apartment. Frightened, Jack drops the bad, looking down at himself for the first time...hes naked... ...a mortified look on his face as he sees the kids on the bed... ...he quickly grabs a pair of sweat pants and a yellow cardigan off the chair and throws them on... Kate, still half asleep, reaches out her hand. KATE Jack...? Jack turns by instinct. Kate grabs him, drawing him near. A look of fear on his face as Kate opens her eyes... Eye contact...Jacks certain hes about to hear her scream... KATE (CONTD) (still groggy) Strong coffee, okay? She lets him go as Jack backs out the door... 25 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE LIVING ROOM - SECONDS LATER A garishly decorated Christmas tree sits in the middle of this messy and disorganized living room, a bevy of gifts underneath and four red stockings over the fireplace. Jack darts to the top of the steps... KATE (O.S.) (calling from the bedroom) Use an entire can if you have to! He looks back at the bedroom, then at the stairs...quickly heading down the CREAKY steps, still in shock. He grabs an overcoat from a hook by the front door...about to step out when he looks down and realizes... ...hes barefoot. He glances at a pair of rubber over- boots sitting by the door, slips them on, just about to leave when... He hears the sound of a KEY TURNING in the door lock...Jack looks at the door, not quite sure what to do... The door opens...into the house, arms laden with wrapped gifts, walk BIG ED and LORRAINE REYNOLDS (both 60s), Kates parents. Big Eds wearing a ten gallon hat and a suede overcoat. Lorraine has a cigarette dangling from her mouth. JACK (drawing on a memory) Ed? Lorraine? Big Ed hugs Jack as best he can with an armful of gifts. BIG ED Jack you ol bird dog. Merry Christmas to ya... Lorraine plants a big fat kiss on Jacks cheek. LORRAINE Talk to him, Jack. Please. One day a year away from the Ponderosa. I dont think thats too much to ask. BIG ED I heard that. This is who I am, woman! (a wink to Jack) Tell her, Jack! Youre the only one who gets me, for gods sake! Jack, still holding the door open, plotting his escape. LORRAINE I need some egg nog... BIG ED Course you do. Hell, its almost 8 a.m. (shouting upstairs) Where are my two lil pardners? Annie! Josh! Giddy up, Bid Eds here! JACK Excuse me. Jack dashes out the door. LORRAINE Where are you going, Jack? (to Big Ed) Wheres he going? BIG ED Damned if I know... They start to remove their coats, when... The door flies back open... JACK Wheres my car?! Wheres my Ferrari!? BIG ED What the hell are you talking about? (to Lorraine) Whats he talking about? JACK Look, can I just borrow your car?! I promise itll be returned! BIG ED The Caddy? Why dont you take your own damn car! LORRAINE Oh just let him borrow your precious Cadillac, for gods sake. Jack spots a set of keys hanging on a hook. BIG ED Hes got a perfectly good mini-van sitting out there in the driveway! Jack grabs the keys off the hook...darts back outside... 26 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Jack emerges from this charming, suburban two-story house, some tasteful Christmas lights decorating a tree in the center of the snow-covered lawn... He races to a blue Dodge mini-van sitting in the driveway, a My Ferrari Is In The Shop sticker on the rear bumper. He climbs into the mini-van and peels out of the driveway... 27 INT. MINI-VAN - SECONDS LATER Jack sees a sign, George Washington Bridge - 3 miles... 28 INT. MINI-VAN - MINUTES LATER Jack driving over the bridge. A sigh of relief as he passes under a sign for Manhattan. 29 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - EARLY MORNING The mini-van pulls up near Jacks apartment building. Jack, still wearing pajamas under the coat, leaps out, running toward the grand entrance where Tony stands sternly in front. JACK Tony, thank god... Jack starts to walk past but Tony blocks the way. TONY THE DOORMAN Sorry, pal. Entrance is for residents and guests only... JACK What are you talking about? Its me, Jack Campbell. Penthouse C. I put you into commercial paper! TONY THE DOORMAN (not moving) Uh-huh... Just then, Mrs. Peterson walks to the door with her little DOG. Tony opens the door for her... JACK Elizabeth Peterson! The little dog starts BARKING ferociously at Jack. MRS. PETERSON (to Tony re: Jack, annoyed) Who is this man? Tony shrugs his shoulders. JACK You know me, Betty. You do. Jack Campbell. Were on the co-op board together. We fought side by side for garbage disposals. Every morning we exchange quasi-sexual witty banter. Think... She looks at Jack with a raised eyebrow, the dog still YAPPING. TONY THE DOORMAN (to Mrs. Peterson) Should I call the cops? Im gonna call the cops... Jack pleads to her with his eyes. MRS. PETERSON (raising a hand to Tony) No... JACK (a sigh of relief) Thank you, Betty. I know if I can just sleep this off, Ill be fine... MRS. PETERSON And sleep you shall. Noblesse oblige is not dead. Not yet anyway...Come, lets get you some help. Surely there must be a shelter somewhere in this city. JACK A shelter?! Im the richest guy in the building...Ive got twice the square footage you have! Mrs. Peterson shakes her head at him, a look of pity on her face. Frustrated, Jack turns and runs back to the mini-van... CUT TO: 30 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - MINUTES LATER Jack pulls up across the street and gets out of the van. Running across the empty plaza toward the building entrance... 31 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Jack bursts through the door, approaching the lobby desk where FRANK the security guard sits. Frank spots Jack and blocks his way. FRANK Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold it right there... JACK Frank. Wheres Alan Mintz? Is he here yet? FRANK Mr. Mintz? (a knowing chuckle) I dont think so...buildings closed pal. Youll have to come back tomorrow. JACK Look, I dont know whats going on here but I am Senior Vice President of this company. FRANK I dont care who you are. Its Christmas and like I told you the building is closed. JACK Maybe youre not hearing me. I am Jack Campbell... (approaching the building directory) Right here. Jack Campbell, President... And then he sees it...ALAN MINTZ - PRESIDENT, listed plain as day on the building director... Jack looks at Frank, then back to the building directory... A pitying look from Frank...Jack stands there, in shock... CHAPTER FIVE - WHATS HAPPENING? 32 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING, PLAZA - MOMENTS LATER ...its desolate... Jack walks through the plaza like a zombie, his face registering nothing. He crosses the street, moving toward the mini-van...oblivious...when... SCREECH...a Ferrari 456M stops within inches of Jacks torso...a VOICE from the car... VOICE (O.S.) Hey! Watch where youre walking! Jack turns...sees the DRIVER low in the seat...cant quite make out the face... VOICE You almost dented my two hundred thousand dollar car! Jack...still stunned...looks at the car, very familiar...the voice of the driver, also familiar... VOICE (CONTD) Thats right! My new cars worth more than your shitty house! A look of realization on Jacks face... VOICE (CONTD) I feel like I really did win the lottery! ...its Cash, and hes in Jacks car... Jack moves over to the passenger window in shock...a smile from Cash... CASH Miss me, Jack? JACK Thats my car! You stole my car! CASH Its a callable asset seized in accordance with the acquisition by-laws of your alt-fate contract... JACK What?! CASH Basically, its my car now. Get in. Cash reaches over and opens the door. Jack hesitates... CASH (CONTD) Look, I dont make the rules, Jack. This is how it works. Get in. Cash gives him a reassuring look. Jack gets in... 33 INT. FERRARI - CONTINUOUS Jack closes the door...Cash joyfully drives off in a burst of acceleration...Jack practically ends up in the back seat... CASH Might wanna fasten your seat belt, Jack... JACK (recovering) What the hell is happening to me?! Jacks freaking out and Cash is enjoying every minute of it. Cash hands Jack a paper bag. Jack starts breathing into the bag. CASH This kinda thing makes a lotta guys throw up. Seen it happen. So if you get the urge, do it out the window. (with a taunting laugh) I dont want you marring this exquisite leather interior... Cash looks over at Jack...hes really losing it, sobbing into the bag...almost hyperventilating...Cash smiles... CASH (CONTD) Look, I dont know what youre getting so worked up about, you did this...you brought this on yourself. JACK Brought what on myself?! I didnt do anything! CASH No? Cmon, Jack...Ive got everything I need, I dont have regrets, thats just not for me... sound familiar? JACK You mean because you thought I was cocky Im now on a permanent acid trip?!! Cash gets a laugh out of Jacks overreaction... CASH Everyone else in that store is a statue, they see their lives passing in front of their eyes, but not you. Youre making a business deal... JACK (enraged) Give me my goddamn life back! CASH You? What about me? Im working hard for you here, Jack. On Christmas too! Now you did a good thing last night, intervening that way. I was moved... JACK (interrupting) Please. Just tell me whats happening to me. In plain English. None of that mumbo jumbo... Cash turns to Jack. CASH Its a glimpse, Jacko. JACK I glimpse? A glimpse of what!? What glimpse?! Glimpse! CASH Look, eventually, everybody gets one...some of em take a couple seconds... (looking at Jack) ...some of em take a lot longer... JACK I asked you a direct question! A glimpse of what?! A look from Cash. CASH Figure it out. You got plenty of time. JACK How much time?! CASH As long as it takes to figure it out. Which, in your case, could be considerable. JACK Look, I just want my life back. Now whats it gonna take? You wanna talk turkey? Lets talk turkey! How much money...? Cash looks at Jack, relishing the moment. He flashes Jack a smile. CASH Do I look like I need your money. It doesnt work like that and I cant tell you why. JACK Why not? CASH Because you got to figure it out for yourself. (beat) Are you listening to me? JACK Figure it out? Figure what out?! Cash just stares at him... JACK (CONTD) Thats it? Thats all I get?! A glare?! CASH Look Jack, in my experience the best way people deal with this is to just relax and breathe through it...let it come to you. Jack faces Cash, simmering...with frustration. JACK Look, I dont have time for this right now. Im in the middle of a deal... CASH Oh youre working on a new deal now...did I mention that? JACK You know what? Ive had it with you. Ive had it with all of this shit... SCREECH...Cash slams on the brakes...practically sending Jack through the windshield. Jack recovers, looks up...the car is parked right next to the mini-van. Cash pulls out a small plastic bag, holding it out to Jack... CASH Here... Jack looks inside the bag, pulls out a BARBIE BICYCLE BELL. He looks at it curiously. JACK Whats this, a signal? Will you come whenever I ring it? CASH Do I look like I live in a bottle? Cash reaches across Jack and opens the door. JACK (lost) But what do I do? CASH Look Jack Im late. Id love to help you out some more but I gotta go handle my business... (gesturing to the mini-van) Happy trails. Jack looks out to the lonely street outside, then back to Cash. JACK Hey, you did this to me, you cant just leave me like this. Cash looks at Jack, the desperation on his face. CASH Fine. You want to know everything, Ill tell you everything. But not here. Lets get some air... Jacks still a little unsure...he sees Cash open the driver side door... JACK (relieved) Thanks, man... Jack gets out of the car...and before he can even turn around, Cashs door SLAMS shut and the car takes off in a blast of horsepower... Jack stands there gazing down the street, listening to the sound of the Ferrari shifting gears, disappearing... The wind whips up...shivering, Jack looks toward the Lassiter Building, then to the plastic bag in his hand, and finally to the mini-van. 34 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE MORNING The blue mini-van snakes through the curved streets of the neighborhood, almost all the houses decorated for Christmas. 35 INT. MINI-VAN - SAME TIME Jacks trying to find the house, a map unfolded on the steering wheel and the cars registration in his hand... He spots ARNIE BENDER, late 30s, carrying an empty science kit box to the trash. His wife, JEANNIE, also late 30s, is getting in a Ford Taurus wagon, a bowl of fruit in hand... Jack pulls up to the curb near Arnie, rolling down the window. JACK Excuse me. Do you know where Merrison Street is? Arnie looks up and sees Jack in the van. ARNIE (turning to his wife) Jeannie! I found Jack! 36 INT. BENDER HOUSE, DEN - A LITTLE LATER Jack follows Arnie into the den of this garishly decorated suburban home, Arnies arm around his shoulder. ARNIE You look terrible... Jack takes in the decor its a male leisure time fantasy old pinball machine, wide screen TV, dart board, and kitschy 50s style bamboo bar... ARNIE (CONTD) Truth is I expected you. Kate called before and asked if I knew where you were. Arnie notices Jacks fascination with the room... ARNIE (CONTD) I know, I moved the Barca-lounger into the corner. Its throwin everybody off. What do you think? JACK (with a nod) Great room... A satisfied smile from Arnie, Jacks approval means something to him. ARNIE You and me, buddy. We know how to live... Arnie shepherds Jack onto a bar stool and pours a drink out of a bamboo bottle holder. ARNIE (CONTD) So Jack, you okay? Jack doesnt respond, his eyes drawn to a softball team photo on the bar...Jack and Arnie kissing a huge trophy with the caption, Plainfield, N.J. Softball League Champs, 1994. ARNIE (CONTD) I mean you leave the house on Christmas morning, you dont tell anyone where youre going... Jack looks over from the photo to Arnie... JACK Were friends, arent we? ARNIE Maybe I dont say it enough but you moving in next door to me... Arnie makes a fist and gestures to his heart. Jack nods. ARNIE (CONTD) Talk to me... A moment of decision for Jack as Arnie stands there, open eyed, ready to listen. JACK Im having kind of a bad day. ARNIE (nodding) I read somewhere that the suicide rate doubles during the holidays... A raised eyebrow from Jack. ARNIE (CONTD) (to himself) What am I saying? You dont need to hear that... (back to Jack) All I meant was a lot of people have a hard time dealing with all the forced reverie, thats all. Is that you? JACK Is it...? ARNIE Trouble at work? JACK I dont think so. ARNIE Its not Kate, is it? Jack pauses at the mention of Kate. Arnies eyes widen... ARNIE (CONTD) (proudly) You see, its like were in each others heads... JACK Kates my wife... Jack looks at Arnie as if hes seeking confirmation. ARNIE (a playful smile) Just keep saying it, Jack, like a mantra. Arnie comes out from behind the bar, taking Jack by the arm. ARNIE (CONTD) Cmon, I better walk ya home. Shes mad enough as it is, right...? 37 EXT. ARNIES YARD - SECONDS LATER Arnie walks Jack through his backyard... ARNIE Look, you fit the profile exactly. Thirties, house, kids, financial responsibilities. You start thinking...this isnt the life I dreamt about. Wheres the romance, wheres the joie de vivre? Suddenly, every lingerie ad in the Newark Star Ledger represents a life you cant have... JACK (thinking, then...) Its just two kids, right? A chuckle from Arnie. ARNIE You made a choice, Jack, a promise to your wife. Maybe sometimes it seems like you gave up the world, but look what you got... They arrive at...the backyard of the Campbell house... cluttered with a swing set, a dog run with chewed up lawn, and a wooden sun deck in the process of being built... ARNIE (CONTD) Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, and a partially finished basement... Jack trips over a wayward BIG WHEEL. ARNIE (CONTD) (shaking his head) Kids... Arnie leads Jack toward the house. ARNIE (CONTD) Okay look, you probably dont want to hear this right now but remember what you told me last summer when I almost had that thing with Arnie Jr.s speech therapist. A blank stare from Jack as they arrive at the sliding glass door...Arnie faces Jack squarely, grabbing his shoulders and looking him in the eye. ARNIE (CONTD) Dont screw up the best thing in your life just because youre a little unsure about who you are. Okay? Arnie gives Jack a comforting smie... ARNIE (CONTD) God, it feels so good to finally give something back to you... Arnie turns Jack toward the door and slides it open. ARNIE (CONTD) Im gonna hug you now... Arnie gives Jack a gentle hug...then gives him a little push toward the door... 38 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, DEN - CONTINUOUS Jack steps inside. He turns back to the door but Arnies gone. Then, Kate enters the room, holding a portable phone... KATE (into phone) Hold on a second... She cups the receiver. Jack looks at her, shes dressed now, nothing fancy but she looks great. JACK You cut your hair... A curious look from Kate. KATE Ten years ago... Kate just stands there looking at Jack, giving away nothing. KATE (CONTD) Are you okay? JACK Yeah...fine. She gives him a resolute nod, then... KATE (into phone) Never mind, he just walked in... Jack grimaces as she resolutely hangs up the phone then stares him down angrily. KATE (CONTD) Do you have any idea what you put us through today?! You walk out of here at 7:30 in the morning, dont tell me where youre going, or even that youre going, and I dont see you til hours later. I had state troopers looking for you! I called hospitals... (pointing at the phone) ...I was just on the phone with the morgue for gods sake! Jack watches her vent, the frustration on his face building. KATE (CONTD) What kind of man leaves his family on Christmas morning without a word about where hes going? Jacks almost to a breaking po INT. KATE (CONTD) What kind of man does that!? JACK (jumping in) I dont know! Please stop yelling at me! She looks at him curiously. KATE Where were you? JACK I was in the city. KATE The city? New York City? Why? JACK Because thats where I live. KATE Jack...dont even start... JACK Look, you dont understand. I woke up here...and this is very strange ...this is not my house... A raised eyebrow from Kate. Jack moves around the room... JACK (CONTD) (pointing upstairs) Im not Dad.... Kate, youre not my wife... Kate looks him over, assessing, then... KATE You know what, Jack? Its not funny this time. Im really angry. She stares him down, expecting an answer. But he has no answer. KATE (CONTD) (loudly) Jack! Jack takes the bell out of the plastic bag that Cash gave him, holds it up in front of her and starts RINGING it furiously. Then...Annie rides into the room on her new bike. ANNIE (re: bell) Whats that? Jack watches as she pedals over, reaches into his hand and takes the bicycle bell... ANNIE (CONTD) (examining the bell) I like this... (jumping up and giving hima peck on the cheek) ...thanks, Dad! Annie rides excitedly out of the room on her bike. Leaving Jack and Kate alone again... KATE You missed the whole thing, Jack. The pancakes, the presents...you spent six hours putting that bike together and you didnt even get to see the look on Annies face when she opened it... Jack sees the disappointment on her face... KATE (CONTD) You missed Christmas, Jack. Jack looks down, almost ashamed...he relents, giving in to the moment... JACK Im...Im sorry. Kate looks at him. He seems sincere enough... KATE Look, we dont have time for this right now, well talk about it later. Now get dressed... (pointing to his outfit) Youre not wearing that to the Thompsons party. I dont care how hilarious you think it is... JACK Party? Oh no, I cant go to a party... KATE You look forward to this party all year. Whats with you today? JACK Trust me on this Kate. I really dont think going to a party is the right move for me at the present time. Kate looks at him a moment, then shakes her head. KATE Fine. Do whatever you want. She picks up the phone, starts dialing... JACK What are you doing? KATE Telling my mother she doesnt have to stay with the kids. JACK Why not? KATE Because youll be here. Kate just looks at him. JACK Ill be ready in ten minutes. He walks past her...toward a hallway door, Kate watching him... He opens the door...its a closet. JACK (CONTD) Christ... (turning around) Where the hell is the bathroom? KATE Funny, Jack. Im laughing on the inside. 39 INT. BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER The light comes on... Jack walks in, looks in the mirror, determined to collect himself...but somethings not right... He glances around...the bathroom is small and its cluttered with Kates razors, loofah, skin creams... ...none of this stuff is his... ...he looks in the mirror again, his face revealing a forlorn sense of displacement... ...he stares at himself until...he starts to lose it... anger, confusion...sadness...finally, he begins breaking down... After a moment, he turns on the water, rinsing his face... 40 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, BEDROOM CLOSET - MINUTES LATER Jack at the closet door, looking at a row of Hagar slacks, Docker sport coats and imitation leather shoes... He reaches in and touches the fabric on one of the sport coats. JACK This is just... (searching for the words) ...this is sub-par... Annie appears at the bedroom door, watching Jack at the closet. He turns...sees Annie watching him...a look exchanged... then, Annie runs away... Jack turns back to the closet and mournfully takes a pair of the slacks... 41 EXT. THOMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT Jack and Kate, a casserole dish in her hand, walk up the path to this tacky but large house, its outside decorated with the most garish display of Christmas decorations this side of Pasaic. Kate RINGS the doorbell... EVELYN THOMPSON, 30s, wearing a dress thats a bit too tight and a bit too low cut, opens the door... EVELYN Kate! Jack! (turning around, to guests) Everybody, Jack and Kate are here! Jack looks right past her...to the house filled with 50 GUESTS. A loud WHOOP from the guests...Jack has the look of a condemned man on his face as he follows Kate inside... 41A INT. THOMPSON HOUSE - CONTINUOUS As Kate heads into the living room, Evelyn takes Jacks arm... EVELYN (suggestively) Like the dress...? JACK (glancing at it) Its lovely... EVELYN (a satisfied smile) I thought I saw you notice it at the kids recital. Jack shoots her a confused look...then walks in, trying to catch up with Kate... 42 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER The party is in full swing, Christmas music in the b.g., GUESTS talking, laughing, drinking egg nog... Jacks eyes dart around the room...its large, neater than his and Kates house but still very lived in...The Thompson KIDS run in and out of the room, playing with new toys... nobody is wearing or eating anything imported from Europe, but everyones having a good time... ...everyone except for Jack, standing with Arnie and THE GUYS, having his ear chewed off by NICK CARELLI, a walking advertisement for Levis Cotton Dockers... NICK Did you see Van Horn last night? This kids gonna single-handedly save basketball in the state of New Jersey... JACK The Nets? Youre kidding, right...? Nick looks at him in disbelief. JACK (CONTD) (recovering) Well...theyre certainly due. BILL KRAMER, a huge pile of fried chicken wings on his plate, tugs at Jacks shirt. BILL KRAMER So tomorrows the big day, Jackie... JACK Okay...why? BILL KRAMER Triple bypass. Im going under the knife. I told you, didnt I? JACK Triple bypass? (pointing to his plate) You really think you should be eating all that? BILL KRAMER Why not? I figure Im going in for a cleaning tomorrow, I might as well load up on the fried stuff tonight... ARNIE Good thinking, Bill. Have another drink. (whispering to Jack) Hell be lucky if he lives through the night... Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a packet of Dutch Masters cigars. He shows them to Jack, Jack nods politely. Nick eagerly hands him one... Nick lights Jacks cigar, then his own...enjoying that first puff...smiling at Jack...Jack dutifully takes a puff of the cigar...nods back at Nick...but its an effort... Evelyn Thompson approaches, a tray of MUSHROOM PUFFS in hand... EVELYN (holding out a puff to Jack) Finger food...? JACK I dont think so, thank you... EVELYN (suggestively) Cmon, as soon as I put them down, youre gonna grab a couple...you always do... Kate sees Evelyn and Jack from her position on the other side of the room...Kate watches as... Evelyn holds the puff up to Jacks mouth, slowly putting it near his lips... EVELYN (CONTD) Let me. Theyll melt in your mouth... He instinctively opens his mouth as Evelyn pushes the treat inside... EVELYN (CONTD) Good? On Jacks face...if freezer burn were a facial expression, this would be it... JACK (forcing a smile) Theyre great! Thank you! ...Evelyn licks her fingers suggestively then hands Jack the entire tray with a sexy smile... A raised eyebrow from Kate, still watching... EVELYN Mushroom puffs arent the only thing I do well... JACK Well do whatever it is you do well, and just...just do it. Excuse me... Evelyn nods as Jack walks toward the staircase... Kate follows Jack with her eyes as he climbs the stairs... 43 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE, DEN - NIGHT Jack is sitting on the arm of a couch filled with guests coats, talking on a FOOTBALL SHAPED telephone...the tray of mushroom puffs on the table... JACK (loudly, into phone) ...what do you mean he wont come to the phone?! (standing, indignant) Do you realize how much money Ive made for that sonuvabitch in the last eight years?! Click. A dial tone. Jack slams the phone down... JACK (CONTD) Damnit! He slams the phone again...and again...and again... KATE (O.S.) Jack...? Jack turns, sees Kate standing in the doorway, watching him take his frustrations out on the phone, concern on her face. KATE Are you sure youre okay...? A forced smile from Jack. JACK Yes, Im fine. Its just this god awful football phone! Who has a phone like this anyway?! KATE (doubtful) Uh huh... Kate notices the tray of mushroom puffs on the table. KATE (CONTD) You must really love Evelyns mushroom puffs, huh? (with a wink) You know theyre not real... She turns and leaves...Jack looks at her, confused... 44 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Jack comes down the stairs, a lost look in his eyes. He looks across the room and sees... Kate, with a group of GUESTS, looking great in her jeans and white blouse, the center of attention. Jack passes through the guests, people waving to him, slapping him on the back as he approaches Kate... He catches Kates eye...she gives him a subtle smile. KATE (to guests) ...then she asks me to put this sweater on. What choice do I have, right? Jack watches as Kate charms the crowd... KATE (CONTD) But as Im slipping it on I notice shes misspelled the word lawyers. (laughing) I had to go through the entire day wearing a hand embroidered sweater that said, Non-Profit Layers Do It For Free. The guests laugh again. Even Jack finds himself laughing, until... JACK (to Kate, off-hand) So youre a lawyer...? A chuckle from the group. Kates confused. JACK (CONTD) A non-profit lawyer... People are starting to LAUGH. KATE (a little embarrassed) Jack... JACK Pro bono. You dont get paid at all. Nobody makes a dime. Well, bravo... Blank stares from everyone, including Kate... CUT TO: 45 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, FOYER - LATE NIGHT Kate and Jack walk in the front door...the dog greets them happily, jumping up on Jack, a weary look on his face. KATE I better go wake my mother... Kate grabs a leash off a hook and hands it to Jack. KATE (CONTD) Here you go... JACK Youre kidding me... KATE Shes your dog, Jack. JACK No, shes not. KATE Fine, shes the kids dog. Lets go wake Josh, see if he wants to walk her. JACK But its twenty degrees outside... KATE (sympathetic) Youre having a bad day, Ill go with you...actually, theres no way in hell youre gettin me back out there... Jack looks at the dogs face. Lucy couldnt be more excited. Finally, Jack shakes his head and takes the leash. KATE (CONTD) (heading up the stairs) Make sure you reward her verbally when she does a number two... CUT TO: 46 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE NIGHT The sound of CRICKETS. Jack, wearing a down jacket, is being dragged down the street by Lucy, his breath condensing in the cold winter air. The dog sniffs at a hydrant and a couple of garbage cans, but isnt doing her business. JACK Figure it out...Im s crewed...dont have to be a genius to figure that out... The dog stops, sniffing at a manicured lawn... JACK (CONTD) (to Lucy) Its as good a place as any... But the dog keeps moving, pulling Jack with her. JACK (CONTD) ...but obviously not up to your high standards... (to himself) Okay...he said youre working on a new deal now...fine, youve done a thousand deals, whats the first thing you do? Lucys sniffing around someones Christmas display but Jacks too wrapped up in his thought process to notice. JACK (CONTD) Triage. Its your signature. You survey the damage, find out everything you can, you probe, leave nothing to chance. Im just gonna have to go detective. How did you get Mentadent? You learned everything there was to know about toothpaste and then you pounced... Jack narrows his eyes, thinking about that deal... JACK (CONTD) Thats our play here... Resolute, Jack turns to the dog. JACK (CONTD) If you could take a dump some time in this century, then we could go home where its warm... Jack looks around at the unfamiliar houses... JACK (CONTD) That is if I can even remember how to get home... (to Lucy) You remember, dont you girl? But the dog ignores him, dragging Jack along... 47 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Kate is in bed, fast asleep. Jack walks into the room, his face still red from the cold outside. He looks over at Kate, sleeping happily. He takes off his shirt and khakis, laying them neatly on the chair. He looks over at the pair of flannel pajamas folded on the dresser. He shakes his head, resigned, then dons the pajamas and climbs into bed... CHAPTER SIX - BEING A PARENT 48 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - MORNING Morning light streams into the room. The clock reads, 7:14. Jack opens his eyes a burst of light hitting them from the window...like the morning light in his Manhattan loft... He reaches across the bed...its empty... A smile of hope from Jack as he puts his head back on the pillow...maybe it was only a day...Then... The sound of a baby CRYING from the next room...A pained look on Jacks face as he realizes hes still in Jersey. Now the baby is WAILING...Jack lies still a moment, hoping itll stop...it doesnt. Then, he hears the sound of the SHOWER TURN ON in the bathroom. He gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom... 49 INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS The shower is running, a tape player is BLASTING Beast of Burden. Kate is in the shower SINGING LOUDLY with the song... JACK Hello? No answer... JACK (CONTD) (louder, over music) Hello! KATE (singing) ...my feet are hurtin... JACK (yelling) HEY! Finally, the music is turned down and Kate pulls the shower curtain open... Jack sees her naked body...raises an eyebrow...thats something hes missed...then... JACK (CONTD) Uh...that babys crying... KATE (unimpressed) And...? ...her expression makes Jack turn his gaze from her naked body. KATE (CONTD) Dont give me that look, Jack, Tuesdays your day and you know it. And try to get Josh to day care on time, okay? He missed the macaroni painting last week... She closes the curtain and turns the radio back up. CUT TO: 50 INT. JOSHS ROOM - MORNING Annies watching from a baby-size Laz-E-Boy lounger as... Jack, in a robe, stands in front of a changing table, Josh laying happily on his back, playing with a set of plastic keys. Jack takes a fresh Huggies diaper and puts it next to the baby. He surveys Josh, scratching his chin and rubbing his hands like Indiana Jones. Josh playfully grabs at Jacks nose. He looks over to Annie. Shes still staring at him like hes a Martian. He looks at the instructions on the box of Huggies. JACK Pull tape... Jack searches the diaper for the tabs of tape, then gingerly pulls them apart, releasing the diaper from the babys bottom, and seeing whats inside. JACK (CONTD) Holy mother of god! Jack holds the diaper out away from him, searching for a place to put it. Annie points to a Diaper Genie by the dresser. Jack throws the diaper in, then quickly replaces the lid. Annie points to the container of Baby Wipes. JACK (CONTD) You must be kidding... Annie stares at him a beat. Then... ANNIE Youre not really our dad, are you? Jack turns to her. Shes looking back at him with complete earnestness. They stare at each other another moment. Then... JACK No, Im not. A look of curiosity from Annie. JACK (CONTD) I work on Wall Street, you know with the big buildings...? No response from Annie... JACK (CONTD) I live in an apartment house with a doorman, I can buy just about anything I want... Annie nods at Jack, still suspicious. JACK (CONTD) This isnt my real life. Its just a glimpse... ANNIE Wheres my real dad? JACK I dont know... A concerned look on Annies face, Jacks petrified that shes about to cry. JACK (CONTD) But dont worry, he loves you and Im sure hell be back very soon... (to himself) ...very, very soon... Annie approaches Jack, climbing up on a little chair and tugging firmly at his hair. ANNIE They did a pretty good job. JACK Who did? ANNIE The aliens...In the mother ship. You look just like him. JACK Uhh...thanks...slightly better looking though, right? Annies now stone faced, trying to decide about Jack. JACK (CONTD) Youre not going to start crying, are you? Because Im not really sure I could deal with that right now. She thinks about it for a moment. ANNIE Do you like kids? JACK On a case by case basis... ANNIE You know how to make chocolate milk? JACK I think I could figure it out. ANNIE You promise not to kidnap me and my brother and implant stuff in our brains? JACK Sure. Beat. Then...a smile from Annie. ANNIE Welcome to earth. 51 INT. MINI-VAN - MORNING Jacks driving, Annie buckled in the front seat... Josh, in the baby seat, looks like he was dressed by monkeys his shirt buttons are off by one, and theyre clearly supposed to be in the back. ANNIE Stop here... Jack stops the van outside the Playland Day Care Center. ANNIE (CONTD) This is day care. Its where babies go when their parents are at work. JACK Check... He gets out of the van... 52 EXT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS ...he pulls Josh out and walks quickly toward the building, holding the baby away from his body. He gets to the door and holds Josh out to the DAY CARE LADY. She stares at Joshs outfit... JACK Do I get a receipt or something...? The woman looks at Jack like hes crazy. 53 EXT. YMCA - A FEW MINUTES LATER The mini-van pulls up to the drop-off point at this suburban New Jersey Y. Annie opens the door. ANNIE I have winter camp until four, then ballet until five thirty. JACK Five thirty. Okay. ANNIE Try not to be late because kids dont like to be the last one picked up. JACK Got it. Good tip. ANNIE Bye... CHAPTER SEVEN - A TIRE SALESMAN Jack watches her as she runs toward the building. Then... JACK (calling out window) Hey! Annie! Annie turns back toward him. JACK (CONTD) Where do I go now? ANNIE Big Eds. JACK Big Eds? Big Eds Tires? (suspicious) Why...? ANNIE Thats where you work. A beat. Then... JACK You mean I sell tires... She shrugs her shoulders and walks off. JACK (CONTD) Thats what I do. Im a tire salesman... CUT TO: 54 INT. MINI-VAN - A LITTLE LATER Jacks driving down a busy commercial street when he spots something a hundred yards down the road... JACK Good Lord... ...a huge, three-story-tall plastic likeness of Big Ed Reynolds, ten gallon hat, lassoing a tire... 55 EXT. BIG EDS TIRES - MOMENTS LATER Jack approaches Big Eds from the parking lot...slowly, taking it all in... Its like a Pep Boys with a Texas theme. A big retail store for tires and auto parts, and a repair bay for everything from alignments to brake jobs... Jack walks to the tire bay where HECTOR, 40s, a Guatemalan mechanic in grease-stained coveralls, stands with TOMMY the salesman. TOMMY Hey Jack, you happen to know the stock number on those new Michelin X1's? JACK Uh...lemme get back to you on that one... (looking at his name tag) Tommy... HECTOR (to Tommy) Thomas, why you bother Jack about that. Look it up yourself... (to Jack) Okay Jack, we talk later... Jack nods amiably then continues into the store... 56 INT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS Jack walks in...looks around...the store is teeming with activity, a post-holiday sale in progress... Big Ed, in his signature ten gallon hat, sees Jack from behind the counter... BIG ED Jack my boy! You are looking mighty worse for the wear...Hey, guess who I played bridge with two nights ago...? Jack stares blankly at Big Ed... BIG ED (CONTD) Hell, youll never guess. One Sydney Potter. Thats Sydney Potter, Chief Executive Officer of BuyRite Transport. Only the third largest trucking company in the state. I even let the sonuvabitch win, which wasnt easy because the guys been bashed in the head by Teamsters so many times his brains like porridge. Anyhoo, hes looking for a new parts supplier... we can handle that kind of volume, right? Jack considers this briefly. JACK Im gonna have to get back to you on that...Ed. Big Ed makes a gun gesture with his forefinger, winking at Jack, then turns back to the activity at the counter as... Jack spots KENNY, a very young sales associate, walking by. He reaches out and taps Kenny on the shoulder. JACK (CONTD) Do I have a private office somewhere in the building? KENNY Uh...sure Jack... (nervously pointing) Right back there... JACK Thank you. Jack walks into the office with his name on the door... 57 INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Theres no Stairmaster here, no leather sofa or bar...its small, cramped and cluttered, the walls littered with tire inventory and price lists... Jack takes a slow, sad lap around the office. He makes it to the small wooden desk at the far end of the room and sits down behind it... On the desk are photos of Jack, Kate and the kids, a plastic Michelin Man model, a tire-themed day calendar and a small plastic figurine of a BOWLER, the word, Bowlers Do It In An Alley embossed on its base... He surveys the desktop briefly, then opens the top drawer, finding a personal checkbook and looking inside... He sees the bottom line and winces, then puts it back... Jack picks up the Bowlers Do It In An Alley figurine and gives it a good look... JACK Bowlers do it in an alley?...Non profit lawyers do it for free... what is it with these people? Dont they realize this refers to sex? He replaces the figurine then opens the bottom drawer where he spots a bottle of Glenfiddich. He lifts it out... JACK (CONTD) At least you splurged on some decent scotch... He takes a paper cup and pours himself a shot. He drinks it down in one gulp and then crumples up the cup, throwing it toward the NETS basketball hoop/garbage can near the door. He misses... He looks more closely at the photographs...most are family photos, a happy Jack with Kate, with Annie at the pony rides, at Joshs birth...in every one of them, Jack is smiling... JACK (CONTD) (to Jack in the photo) What are you smiling about...? He turns his head...spots a small plaque on the wall behind him. It reads, Jack Campbell - E.F. Hutton #1 Junior Sales Associate, 1988. Jack raises an eyebrow... JACK (CONTD) Number one...not bad. He grabs it off the wall and looks at it more carefully... JACK (CONTD) 1988...? I was in London in 1988... Jacks jarred into reality... JACK (CONTD) (to Jack in the photo) You never went to London... (picking up the photo) ...you never got on that plane... He stays there a moment...in shock. Then... The P.A. system comes to life... ESTELLE (over P.A.) Jack to mag wheels...Jack, youre needed in mag wheels, customer waiting! CUT TO: 58 INT. BIG EDS TIRES, MAIN FLOOR - MINUTES LATER Kenny leading Jack toward the Mag Wheels section. JACK ...I was the number one junior sales associate at E.F. Hutton in 1988. Did you know that? KENNY No, I didnt...thats great. JACK Thats the kind of thing you can really build on... KENNY Uh huh... JACK I mean sales has always been a feeder for M and A, always... They approach Mag Wheels where TOMMY, a slick sales associate, stands with a CUSTOMER looking at the displays... KENNY Here we are, mag wheels... (a little concerned) Hey Jack, are you sure youre okay? JACK Well, Im just a little confused right now about why I work here... Kenny looks at him nervously. KENNY Uh...I just started here last Tuesday. Jack nods compassionately. Kenny takes off leaving Jack alone with his thoughts as Tommy approaches with the customer. TOMMY (to the customer) So youre all set on the Skip Shift eliminator and the Brembo rotors. Jacks our point man on alloy wheels... JACK (turning to Tommy) Do you know why do I work here...? TOMMY Because youre the best damn tire guy in the state of New Jersey... (proudly, to the customer) Jack taught me everything I know about the business... The customer nods, impressed. JACK I taught you the business? Another nod to the customer. TOMMY And hes a crack-up. JACK Everything I taught you. I want to hear it all, right now. Tommys confused. CUSTOMER Hey, Im ready to buy here... JACK (to the customer) What do you want? CUSTOMER I want some alloy wheels. Jack grabs one of the alloy rims off the shelf, holding it out to the customer. JACK Here. These are great. Youll need four. The customer takes the wheel from Jack, looks at it confused... CUSTOMER But I dont like these... JACK Hey, you heard the guy, Im the best damn tire guy in the state of New Jersey. (turning to Tommy) Everything. TOMMY Okay... (hesitating) Rule number one, the customer is always right... A satisfied smirk from the customer. 59 INT. BIG EDS TIRES, JACKS OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON Jack is behind his desk, his tie loosened, on the phone... JACK (into phone) ...I have no idea what our inventory level is, thats why Im asking you... A KNOCK at the door... JACK (CONTD) Look, just send us what you sent us last month, okay...? And keep doing that until further notice... He hangs up the phone as the door opens. Big Ed sticks his head in... BIG ED Got a minute, Jack? JACK Ive got all the time in the world... Big Ed walks in, followed by SYDNEY POTTER, 60s, a tough looking man... BIG ED Jack, meet Sydney Potter, BuyRite Transport, one of Jerseys top businessmen... Potter extends a hand, Jack rises from his chair, trying to place the name. Then... JACK ...and a helluva bridge player. Eds told me a lot about you... They shake hands. Potter nods his head at Jack, immediately impressed. Big Ed is beaming. POTTER (in a heavy Jersey accent) Lucky in cards, lucky in business, lucky in love. My cup runneth over... (to Big Ed) Hes a nice looking boy... BIG ED My daughters no slouch either... A smile from Potter, then a serious look. POTTER Lets cut to the chase, Jack. Big Ed tells me youre the grease that makes the wheels turn around here. I need a new parts supplier for my fleet. You seem to have the parts. That we know. What we dont know is why the hell I should buy them from you. Potter stares Jack down. But Jacks not about to be intimidated by him. He pauses, matching Potters stare. Then... JACK I have no idea... A surprised look from Potter. An anxious laugh from Big Ed. BIG ED (nervous) Cmon Jack... JACK (to Potter) I mean it. From what I can tell, were a mom and pop operation, were already over-extended in sales, and any price advantage we could offer would easily be matched by a larger supplier... Jack continues to stare down Potter. JACK (CONTD) So like I said, I dont have any idea why you should buy your parts from us... The staring match continues. Big Eds getting more nervous. Potters the first to blink. POTTER Okay, you got my attention... JACK Except for rule number one... Jack smiles. JACK (CONTD) The customer is always right. A cliché? Sure. The difference is, we mean it. Were small, we need our customers. We cant afford to disappoint them, ever. Yeah, you could go to some leviathan supplier, probably save a few pennies on the price of oil filters, but with us you get more than a supplier, you get a bridge partner... A smile from Potter. Jack gives Ed a wink. Ed watches, thrilled... JACK (CONTD) You want to bid hearts, were right there with you. You feel the need to redouble, youre not going to get any argument from us... Potter nods at Jack. Jack moves in for the kill. JACK (CONTD) The big guys may have the high cards, but you know as well as I do, Sydney, high cards dont always take the trick. Potter pauses a minute, then... POTTER (to Big Ed, re: Jack) I like him... Big Ed smiles, letting out a relieved sigh. BIG ED (a wink to Jack) Thats my boy... (an arm around Potter) Cmon, lemme show you the rest of the ranch... Big Ed and Potter exit the office... BIG ED (CONTD) (turning back to Jack) Nice shootin, Jack... ...leaving Jack there with a satisfied smile on his face. 60 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT Jack is in bed watching CNBC...On the TV a young woman REPORTER at the anchors desk... CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) ...advancers led decliners by a nine to four ratio and the closing tick was a mildly bullish plus seventy six. Much of the markets action today was fueled by the latest round of merger mania to hit Wall Street... The Global Health Systems and MedTech logos appear on a graphic in the corner of the screen... CNBC REPORTER (CONTD, ON T.V.) ...when Global Health Systems and MedTech Pharmaceutical announced their intentions to join forces in a massive one hundred and twenty two billion dollar stock swap deal. Though neither side expressed significant regulatory concerns at the announcement press conference, it is believed that both the FDA and the FTC will be closely scrutinizing the marriage, the largest ever in the health care industry. When asked about possible anti- competitive implications, Global Chairman Bob Thomas referred reporters to P.K. Lassiter and Company President Alan Mintz, the original architect behind the deal... Jack stares in shock as the image changes to a super confident looking Mintz shaking Bob Thomas hand at the press conference. CNBC REPORTER (CONTD, ON T.V.) Ironically, Mintz first met Thomas at a Lamaze class... JACK A Lamaze class...!? CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) ...while coaching their pregnant wives, Mintz and T homas struck up a dialogue about the need for consolidation in the rapidly growing health care industry and two months later, the deal with MedTech was born... JACK What?! Thats my deal? CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) In other business news, U.S. Labor Department officials announced today that two hundred and seventy-five thousand new jobs were created last month, twenty-five thousand less than economists were predicting, leading to a mild rally in the bond markets before midday. But as the trading session drew to a close, the profit takers stepped in and the long bond closed at ninety seven even, up only two ticks, the yield inching down to six point zero seven percent... Kate comes into the room from the hallway wearing only Jacks NYU sweatshirt... KATE The kids are asleep... She goes over to the window and draws the blinds. Jack looks up at her, nods, then goes back to the TV. KATE (CONTD) Jack. I said the kids are asleep... JACK (distracted) Well thats just great...those little monkeys can be a real handful... Kate shuts off the TV. JACK (CONTD) Hey! I was watching that! KATE I thought we had a deal about you watching CNBC in bed. JACK Im working on a new deal now... Kate throws a Kate Bushs The Sensual World into the CD player. KATE Fine, but not tonight... She climbs onto the bed, a seductive look on her face. JACK Wait a second. You want me, dont you? KATE That is the general idea, yes... Kate starts kissing him...but Jacks a little uncomfortable with the sudden intimacy...he pulls back, a little nervous. JACK Shouldnt we grab some dinner first? Maybe a bottle of wine...? KATE Its ten thirty, Jack. By eleven youre gonna be sprawled out on the bed snoring your head off. We dont have time for wining and dining. JACK Whatever you say...honey. She starts kissing him again...but this time he just goes with it, and as her hands run through his hair hes brought back to a different time and place... Jack momentarily pulls back and looks at her...its like the first time hes really looked at her in eleven years... JACK (CONTD) God...youre beautiful... She smiles at him, almost uncomfortable with the compliment... KATE Thanks, Jack... JACK No, Im serious...youre really stunning... KATE This is good stuff, Jack, keep it coming... JACK I mean back in college, you were a very pretty girl, theres no question about that. But this... (lost in her) ...youve really grown into a beautiful woman... Jack stares at her, entranced...Kate pulls back, reacting to the intensity in his stare... KATE How can you do that? JACK (nervous) Do what? KATE Look at me like you havent seen me every day for the last twelve years... Jack freezes. Theres love in her eyes but its not meant for him... She kisses him... KATE (CONTD) Dont move. She gets up off the bed and heads for the bathroom... He looks around...not sure what to do...Finally... He turns onto his side and closes his eyes... Kate emerges from the bathroom, she sees Jack on the bed, hears his breathing heavy with sleep... At once charmed and disappointed, Kate sighs. She turns off the CD player and heads into bed. She pulls the covers up over Jack, shutting off the light... She puts an arm around him, kissing him sweetly on the neck... KATE (CONTD) night, honey... Close in on Jacks face...turned away from Kate...he opens his eyes...looks down at her arm...loneliness on his face... CHAPTER EIGHT - THE MENS DEPARTMENT DISSOLVE TO: 61 EXT. MALL - DAY Its mid-January and all signs of the Christmas season are gone except for the snow on the ground in the busy parking lot. 62 INT. MACYS, MENS DEPT. - DAY Kate, pushing Josh in the stroller and holding Annies hand, passing through the Mens Dept., Jack lagging behind, a bevy of shopping bags in hand and a beleaguered look on his face. KATE (back to Jack) Were almost done here... ANNIE Mary Janes, Mom. You promised. KATE Thats right. Okay, lets make a quick stop at the kids shoe department, pick up my watch from the battery place, then Ill run into the linen store... An unhappy look on Jacks face. JACK Why dont we just go to all the stores?! Kate looks back at Jack. JACK (CONTD) Every single store in this godforsaken shopping mall. We can go to them all. Kate gives him a look. Then... KATE You know what, Jack?! Ill go with the kids. Why dont you just hang out here in the mens department... okay? Jack glances at the Mens Dept., sighs and gives Kate a nod. She takes off with the kids...and then he sees it... ...the Zegna section. Hes drawn to the neat rows of beautiful suits like a moth to the light... He approaches the rack, pulls out a dark green suit, gently touching the soft wool. SALESMAN (O.S.) Its perfect for your frame... Jack turns and sees a SALESMAN standing behind him. SALESMAN Would you like to try it on? CUT TO: 63 INT. MACYS MENS DEPT. - A LITTLE LATER Jack, at a mirror wearing the Zegna suit. It is perfect for his frame. The color is spectacular, the line is dazzling. Jack looks in the mirror, shutting everything else out... its like hes seeing his old self... KATE (O.S.) You look amazing in that suit... Jack snaps out of his trance. He sees Kate standing behind him, Annie and Josh happily playing a few feet away. KATE I mean...wow...off the charts great. JACK Its an unbelievable thing. Wearing this suit actually makes me feel like a better person. (taking one final look) Im gonna buy it... Kate raises an eyebrow, then looks at the price tag. KATE $2,400?! Are you out of your mind? JACK (pointing to Annies new Mary Janes) She got those shoes... KATE Those shoes were twenty five dollars. Cmon, take it off. Well go to the food court and get one of those funnel cakes you like. Jack looks at her...its a moment of decision. JACK No. Kate looks at Jack, a little surprised. KATE No? JACK Do you have any idea what my life is like? KATE Excuse me? JACK I wake up in the morning covered in dog saliva...I drop the kids off, spend eight hours selling tires retail...retail, Kate. Kate just stands here, aghast... JACK (CONTD) I pick up the kids, walk the dog, which by the way, carries the added bonus of carting away her monstrous crap...I play with the kids, take out the garbage, get six hours of sleep if Im lucky, and then it starts all over again...and why is it that I always have to drive everyone everywhere? I spend practically my entire day in that slow as hell mini-van listening to Raffi tapes and trying to figure out how the cup holders work...Im sick of it. KATE Really. JACK Whats in it for me? Where are my Mary Janes? Kate stares at him, shaking her head... KATE Its sad to hear your life is such a disappointment to you, Jack. JACK I cant believe its not a disappointment to you! (letting it all out) Jesus, Kate, I couldve been a thousand times the man I became. How could you do this to me? How could you let me give up on my dreams like this?! Kate stares at him in disbelief. Then... KATE Who are you? Kates words pierce Jack...he has to avert his eyes. JACK (lowering his voice) Look, Im sorry. Im sorry I was such a saint before and Im such a prick now. Maybe Im just not the same guy I was when we got married... KATE Maybe youre not. The Jack Campbell I married wouldnt need a $2400 suit to make himself feel better about his life, but if thats what its gonna take, then buy it. Just buy the goddamn suit ...we can take the money out of the kids college fund. They stare at each other for a moment...a stand-off... JACK Forget it... (taking off the jacket) Well get a funnel cake. Itll be the highlight of my week... 64 EXT. NEW JERSEY ROAD - NIGHT The blue mini-van makes its way down this road... 65 INT. MINI-VAN - NIGHT Theres an icy silence in the car...Jack is behind the wheel, Kate next to him looking out the window, anger on her face... CHAPTER NINE - REMINISCING Jack checks the rear-view mirror, sees Annie and Josh in the back, both asleep... JACK (to Kate) Listen, Im sorry about that back in the store. I really dont want to fight with you... Kate just keeps looking out the window. JACK (CONTD) But you must sometimes wonder how we ended up here. I mean back in college, did you see us... (looking around) ...here...? She turns to him. KATE Ill give you this, life has thrown us a few surprises... A glimmer in Jacks eye... JACK It really has, hasnt it? So if you had to...what would you say was the biggest surprise? She glances at the kids sleeping in the back. KATE Well...Annie for one. JACK Surprise. Were pregnant... (a laugh) Yeah...that mustve been...I mean that was very unexpected. But what are you gonna do, right? KATE I think it worked out okay, dont you? JACK Sure. I really like Annie. KATE Good, Jack. Maybe well keep her. JACK No, I love Annie. We had a lot of good times, didnt we? KATE We were young... (a nostalgic smile) Remember that little place on Charles Street we used to go to? JACK Charles Street? In the Village? When we were living in Greenwich Village...? (off her nod) Great times. Whyd we ever leave? KATE You cant really raise a kid in an apartment in the Village... Jack nods, starting to piece it together. KATE (CONTD) The trek out to the hospital every day didnt help either... (looking at him) You were great. Surviving the heart attack was one thing... JACK You had a heart attack? KATE (a laugh) Jack, stop that. I'm still mad at you... (a sigh) ...who knows what wouldve happened if you hadnt stepped in at the store. JACK Thats why I work for Big Ed? A look from Kate. JACK (CONTD) (recovering) I mean, thats why I work for Big Ed... Jack looks out at the road a moment, piecing it all together in his mind. JACK (CONTD) (almost to himself) So we had a baby, Big Ed had a heart attack, we b ought that house, and Ive been working for him ever since...Sayonara, Wall Street. Kate looks at him a little strangely. JACK (CONTD) (turning to her) Our life in a nutshell... KATE If you want to look at it that way... JACK How would you look at it? She glances again at the kids in the back seat, then at Jack. KATE A great success story... A smile from Jack. He admires her outlook even if he cant bring himself to share it. DISSOLVE TO: 66 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - EVENING A crowded suburban New Jersey bowling alley... Jack stands at a lane holding a bowling ball, the nickname The Hammer emblazoned over his bowling shirt pocket...He approaches the line and throws the ball down the lane... Its ugly...The ball caroms off the hardwood into the gutter. JACK Damn... ARNIE (O.S., from behind) Jesus, Jack, this is a league match, for gods sake! Jack turns. Arnie and the BOWLING TEAM are in the scorekeeping area watching Jack make a mockery of the sport. Jack scowls. ARNIE (CONTD) Wheres your follow through? Wheres your stance? JACK Hey, Im doing the best I can... (under his breath) Id like to see you hit a squash ball after seventeen beers... ARNIE Youre right. Why am I so competitive!? Compensation, I guess. Look, just focus, Jack. You can still pick up the spare... Jack retrieves his ball, sets up, genuinely concentrating... JACK (quietly, to himself) You are Jack Campbell. Youre better than this sport. You shot the rapids at Kenai. You ran with the bulls at Pamplona. You jumped out of a plane over the Mojave Desert, for Christs sake. You can do this... Jack puts everything he has into the throw, heaving the ball down the lane with as much grace and power as he can muster...hitting the six pin and taking out four others. JACK (CONTD) (screaming, excited) Yeah!! He turns, a fist pumped...But the guys could care less... ARNIE (to TEAMMATE) Okay, Pete, youre up. 67 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - LATE Jack walks out of the mens room, heading toward the lounge. He sees a familiar face walking toward him...a woman in a sexy little bowling outfit, carrying a bowling ball to a far lane. EVELYN Hi Jack... A moment of confusion as he tries to place the face. Then... JACK Evelyn, right? EVELYN Very funny. I saw you out there on lane five. What do you have the flu or something? JACK Something like that. EVELYN (with a wink) Need a nurse? JACK Youre a nurse? Evelyn laughs. EVELYN If thats what you want... She brushes past Jack, continuing to her lane...Jack follows her with his eyes a moment, then... JACK Wait a second... She turns. JACK (CONTD) Are we...? EVELYN Are we what, Jack? JACK Is there something going on between us? Evelyns surprised at Jacks directness. She stands there a beat, then walks back toward him. EVELYN Are we finally being honest? JACK It would help me if we were. EVELYN Okay, youre right, weve been dancing around this for years... Evelyn looks a little flush...she briefly fans her face. EVELYN (CONTD) God, my heart is racing. Here goes... (a smile) When I get dressed for a party and I know youre going to be there... well, lets just say I dont go strapless because my husband likes it... An intrigued smile from Jack. EVELYN (CONTD) Ive got six sets of snow tires piled up in my garage and I wont even drive in the snow...And our kids just happen to be in the same ballet class every year? She picks a piece of lint off his shirt. EVELYN (CONTD) So, if youre asking me whether Id like it to be more, the answer is yes... A look of surprise from Jack. EVELYN (CONTD) ...and Kate would never have to know. Jack considers this for a moment. JACK Do I have your number? A wide smile from Evelyn. EVELYN Steves out of town with the kids this week. Why dont you just stop by... She turns, leaving Jack standing there, watching her sashay back to her lane. 68 INT. BOWLING ALLEY, LOUNGE - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the lounge, a little dazed. He heads over to Arnie whos having a beer at the bar. ARNIE (looking at Jack) Hey Jack, youre all flush. I guess that seventy-one took a lot outta you. JACK (sitting down) I just saw Evelyn Thompson. ARNIE She is relentless. JACK She wants to have an affair with me. ARNIE She said that? JACK Pretty much. ARNIE Oh yeah... (shaking his head) What is it about you? JACK (pushing over a napkin) So could you write down her exact address? ARNIE Whoa...whoa...wait a second, Jack. Youre not actually gonna cheat on Kate? JACK It wouldnt really be cheating... (off Arnies doubtful look) Its complicated. ARNIE Look, maybe Im not as good a consigliere as you are but you have to trust me on this one. A little flirtations harmless but youre playing with fire here. The Fidelity Bank and Trust is a tough creditor. You make a deposit somewhere else, they close your account forever. JACK Im telling you, those rules dont apply to me, Arn. ARNIE (a chuckle) Screw the rules. Im talking about the choice. Jack looks at him curiously. ARNIE (CONTD) Cmon, Evelyn Thompsons got no class. She doesnt marry Dr. Steve, the womans living in a trailer. JACK Hey, is that really necessary? ARNIE All Im saying it there isnt a guy in Union County who wouldnt give his left nut to be married to Kate... Arnie takes one last swig of his beer and gets up... ARNIE (CONTD) Ill see ya later, Jack... He leaves Jack alone, thinking... CHAPTER TEN - CAKE WARS 69 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - NIGHT Jack walks into the house carrying his bowling bag. He dumps the bag in the coat closet and walks into the kitchen where... Kate is at the counter, her back to him, poring over some legal documents. KATE (not looking up) How was the game, honey? JACK (opening the fridge) Long, boring, and generally pretty sad. Arnie seemed to enjoy it... (peering inside) Hey, wheres that chocolate cake...? Kate turns around, revealing a huge hunk of chocolate cake on a plate in front of her, a bite ready to go into her mouth. KATE (with a smile) You mean this chocolate cake? JACK Thats my piece. I was saving it because I got nauseated from that store bought chicken. Kate takes the bite, a little piece of icing sticks to the side of her mouth. KATE Its good... Jack approaches the counter. JACK Gimme that cake. She takes another bite. KATE No way. He makes a grab for the plate but she holds it out where he cant reach it. JACK Cmon. KATE Sorry, Jack. Its too important to me. They stare each other down a moment. Then... He tries to swipe the plate. Kate jumps out of her chair, running out of the kitchen with the cake, laughing... Jack takes off after her...chasing her through the house... just about the catch up to her when... She darts up the stairs, still laughing...he follows her... JACK I want that cake! ...reaches up...grabs her shirt...pulls her down playfully on top of him... KATE (laughing) You want the cake!? JACK (out of breath) I want it... She looks at him, then takes the whole piece in her hand and smooshes it right in his mouth... Beat. Then, Jack starts laughing... JACK (CONTD) Thank you... KATE Its good, right? He takes a big clump of it and smooshes it in her mouth. They stay there a moment, lying on the stairs, feeding each other cake, laughing. Jack leans back on the stairs. He looks at Kates face, practically covered in cake, smiling, and realizes... ...he hasnt laughed like this in thirteen years. Then... JACK Are the kids asleep? A sexy smile from Kate...they start kissing passionately right there on the steps...its heating up... KATE (caught up in the moment) Say it, Jack... JACK What...? KATE Cmon, you know what I like to hear... JACK (in the throes of passion) Yeah, baby, I know what you like to hear... KATE (kissing him) Then say it...just say it to me...! JACK (swept up in the moment) Oh yeah, youre a bad girl, baby... You make me so hot...Im gonna take you to that special place... Kate pulls away. KATE What...? Jack looks up at her, he can practically see the passion drain from her face... JACK Not it...? KATE Nice, Jack. Youre sweeping me off my feet. JACK What? You make me hot... She gets up and heads up the steps, disappearing into the bedroom...Jack shakes his head, frustrated. Then, he feels something licking at his hand... He looks down and sees Lucy standing next to him, wagging her tail, looking up at Jack with an Ive gotta go look on her face. Jack heaves a sigh, then... JACK (CONTD) Cmon, Lucy, maybe one of us can get a little relief tonight... He leads the dog toward the front door... 70 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MINUTES LATER Jack is walking Lucy. He passes a house that looks familiar to him. Then he sees it... ...the name THOMPSON etched on the mailbox... Its the Thompson house, now sans the garish Christmas decorations, a drying Christmas tree tied up on the curb, ready to be picked up as garbage... Jack stops, pulling the dog back, looking up at the house... He sees a light on in the upstairs bedroom...the faint outline of a woman reading by the window... EVELYN THOMPSON... Jack looks around, sees the street is empty, then nudges the dog, leading her up the path to the house. He gets to the front door...moves his hand up to the doorbell...but its a tentative move...he keeps it there a moment, perched at the button...but for some reason he cant bring himself to push it... He looks down the street, toward his own house, then to the window upstairs. Finally, he turns... JACK (pulling the leash) Cmon, girl, lets go home... 71 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE FOYER - MINUTES LATER The front door opens and Jack walks in with Lucy on a leash, his face red from the cold outside. He gives the dog a pat on the rump, then takes off his coat, hanging it and the leash on a hook by the door... He walks through the quiet house, into the living room, rubbing his hands together to warm them up. CHAPTER ELEVEN HOME MOVIES He goes over to a glass bar stand and pours himself a scotch, taking a sip, letting the alcohol warm him... He strolls through the room, looking at some of the family photos framed and hanging on the wall, focusing on his own face in the pictures, studying the expressions... He moves to a pile of video tapes sitting on a shelf, marked with titles like, Trip to Yosemite, 96" and Joshs 1st Birthday. He runs his fingers along the tapes, stopping at one marked, Jack Singing. His eyes linger there a moment... He puts his drink down and pops the tape in the VCR... ON TV: Its a party for Kates birthday thrown at the Kramers house...same crowd of people as the Christmas party, cheesy Happy Birthday decorations. The image jerks up and down, surveying the crowd... Bill Kramer at the piano, playing some light cocktail music ...Kate talking with a group of friends... ARNIE (O.S.) Jesus, Bill, this thing is an antique. Dont you even have image stabilization? Bill stops playing and looks up at Arnie. BILL KRAMER Four hundred bucks at Best Buy, Arn. Then...Jack comes into frame, a confident smile on his face. JACK And everyone knows image stabilization is for the weak... Jack is jarred by the image of himself on the video... Jack on TV...he smiles as Kate walks into frame, easily putting an arm around Jack... ARNIE So Jack, its your wifes birthday, got anything to say to her? JACK (to Kate) Its your birthday? Today? Whats your name? Where were you born? KATE Jack. JACK Wait a minute. Youre my wife? She slaps him playfully on the arm... JACK (CONTD) I do have one thing I wanna say... Kate looks at him expectantly. Then... JACK (CONTD) (singing to her) Oh those fingers in my hair, that sly come hither stare, strips my conscience bare, its witchcraft... Jack doesnt have the greatest voice in the world but hes not the least bit self-conscious...and Kate seems to like it, theres a twinkle in her eye...some of the guests focus their attention on Jack and Kate. Jack winces, embarrassed, as he watches himself sing... JACK (CONTD) ...and Ive got no defense for it, that heat is too intense for it, what good would common sense for it do... Bill Kramer still at the piano, chimes in with the basic chords for Witchcract, sounding it out as he goes along... JACK (CONTD) ...Cause its witchcraft, wicked witchcraft...and although I know its strictly taboo...when you rouse the need in me, my heart says yes indeed in me, proceed with what youre leadin me to... The camera catches the reactions of guests in the crowd... the women, smiles on their faces, wrapped up in the romance of the moment. Envy on the mens faces as they watch Jack serenade his wife... A musical interlude from Bill as Jack takes off his jacket...some HOOTS and HOLLERS from the crowd...Arnie captures the image of Kate whistling at her husband... Arnie follows with the camera as Jack strolls in front of the gathered guests... JACK (CONTD) Its such an ancient pitch, but one that Id never switch, there aint no nicer witch than you... Jack watches himself move gracefully. But its no longer embarrassment on his face, its fascination... Back in the video, the camera catches Evelyn Thompson watching longingly as Jack moves back toward Kate...Evelyn cant take it anymore, she abruptly turns and walks toward the kitchen... Jack raises an eyebrow... In the video...Jack approaches Kate, she couldnt have a more delighted look on her face. He picks up the verse... JACK (CONTD) Cause its witchcraft, that koo koo witchcraft...and although I know its strictly taboo... The camera pans across the crowd, even the men are getting into it, focused on Jack as he sings lovingly, unashamed, to his wife...Nick Careli mouths the words along with Jack, almost as if hes studying him, revering him... Jack watches the TV, seeing Nick do this...maybe he underestimated his alter ego... On the video...Jack staring into Kates eyes... JACK (CONTD) ...when you rouse the need in me, my heart says yes indeed to me, proceed with what youre leadin me to... Jack and Kate exchange a sexy smile... JACK (CONTD) Its such an ancient pitch, but one that Id never switch... Jack kisses her on the lips...HOOTS and HOLLERS from the crowd. JACK (CONTD) Cause theres no nicer witch than you... Kate brushes a hand across Jacks face... Smash cut to Jack watching this...seeing the connection, the heat between them...coveting it... Back to the video...the music building...the crowd completely in the palm of Jacks hand... JACK (CONTD) ...than you... The camera closes in on Jack and Kate as the music builds to a crescendo... JACK (CONTD) ...than you... A little musical flourish from Bill as the crowd breaks out into huge CHEERS and APPLAUSE... Jack, watching this other version of himself in the video, the center of attention, larger than life, focused on Kate... Back on video... JACK (CONTD) (speaking quietly to Kate) Happy Birthday sweetheart...I love you. Kate leans over, giving Jack a deep kiss...OOHS and AHHS from the crowd...but Jack and Kate are in their own little world... Jack continues to watch himself on the video, his smile fading, becoming a look of realization...then loss... A tear at the corner of his eye... The SOUND fades in Jacks head as the action in the video continues... Hes left standing there...silent, still... DISSOLVE TO: 72 INT. CAMPBELL MASTER BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING Lucy licking Jacks face. Jack pushes the dog away...as... The ALARM RINGS. Kate pushes the button to stop it. KATE (groggy) Time to get up, honey... Jack obliges without question, getting out of bed, putting on a robe and slippers and exiting, still practically half-asleep. 73 INT. KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the kitchen. He turns on the Mr. Coffee, gets a bottle from the fridge, throws it in the microwave, removes it, and heads upstairs. 74 INT. JOSHS ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...into Joshs room. Josh is wide awake, standing up in his crib, like a prisoner in a cell. Jack gives him the bottle, pats his head perfunctorily, and then walks out of the room... CHAPTER TWELVE - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY 75 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ...and back into the bedroom to find Kate, sitting on the bed, a wrapped present in front of her and a wide smile on her face. Jack stops, raising an eyebrow at the gift. He looks behind, as if to ask whether its for him, then back to Kate. KATE Happy Anniversary, honey... Terror on Jacks face. KATE (CONTD) (pushing the gift forward) Before you do whatever crazy stunt youve got planned I want you to open mine... Jack musters up a smile, then approaches the gift. JACK Maybe I should wait... KATE No, open it... He hesitates, then begins unwrapping the package, revealing... ...a suit, similar in color and style to the Zegna suit... KATE (CONTD) I found it at an outlet store. I know its a knock-off, but I think itll look great on you... JACK (examining the label) Zeena... Jack is overcome with emotion...Yes, its a ZEENA, but this is probably the nicest thing anyones ever done for him... JACK (CONTD) (tearing up) You really are incredible... KATE Enjoy it, sweetheart... Jack looks at Kates expectant face, suddenly remembering how truly screwed he is. JACK Youre probably expecting something from me... Hes sweating bullets...watching as Kate gets a quizzical look on her face... JACK (CONTD) Heres the thing. I really hadnt planned on giving you your...uh... anniversary gift until tonight. (an uncomfortable smile) You know, anniversarys good all day... KATE What are you talking about? You never wait all day. You can barely wait until its light out. JACK I know that, but... Beat. Kate looks at him like shes looking into his soul. KATE You forgot. Jack stands there, silent. KATE (CONTD) You actually forgot our anniversary. JACK Ill fix it. Ill go out right now and get you something. Ill make it right. That didnt help. KATE (holding back the tears) Jesus, Jack...Is this where we are now? Is this our marriage? Suddenly Im the wife who has to drop hints two weeks before her anniversary so her husband doesnt fuck it up? Jack sees a tear run down her face...a pang of guilt on his... JACK Please dont cry... Kate wipes the tear away but they just keep coming. KATE (shaking her head, crying) I dont want to be that, Jack... Jack approaches her, holding out a hand but Kate pushes it away, gets up and walks toward the bathroom... Jack is left standing alone, holding Kates gift... CUT TO: 76 INT. FRONT PORCH - MINUTES LATER Jack emerges from the house, steps out onto the porch for some air... He shakes his head, a mixture of frustration and self- pity on his face. He notices Annies bike leaning against the side of the porch, and the bell that Cash gave him sitting on its handle bar. He takes a step toward it, and gives the bell a gentle RING ...he looks around, as if hes expecting someone to appear ...but theres no one. He RINGS the bell again, louder this time, really trying to attract someones attention. JACK Cmon...cmon... Nothing. Finally, he lifts the bike up in the air, RINGING the bell with everything hes got... JACK (CONTD) (shouting to the sky) Cmon, goddamnit, how was I supposed to know the date of their anniversary!? I never married her! Pull back...Annie in the doorway...looking at him. ANNIE (slowly) Put the bicycle back on the ground... Jack turns and sees her, gently lowering the bicycle. 77 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE KITCHEN - MORNING Jack is mixing a glass of chocolate milk. Annie, arms folded, is waiting expectantly. He finishes, sliding the glass to her. She takes a long sip, puts the glass down, a chocolate milk mustache on her lip. ANNIE Not bad...I shoulda warned you. Dad always does something really special for their anniversary. JACK Like what? ANNIE One year he had a solar system named after her... JACK Dont you think thats a little gimmicky? ANNIE Mom liked it. Jack raises an eyebrow. JACK Maybe theres a jewelry store back at the mall. I could get her a pair of earrings or something. ANNIE Thats good but...you did forget the anniversary. JACK Right. Thats a major oversight... (thinking aloud) So if Im Kate...I cant really afford the finer things, my husbands career is a crushing disappointment to me, Im trapped in suburbia... Then... JACK (CONTD) Did he ever take her to the City? Annie smiles, impressed. ANNIE Youre really gettin the hang of this. Suddenly, a look of confidence comes over Jacks face. For the first time, he seems like a man in control. 78 INT. BEDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON Annie is sitting on the bed watching her mother get dressed. Kate, wearing a silky slip, walks out of her closet carrying two dresses on hangers, a red one and a sexy little black one. Kate holds out the two dresses to Annie. KATE Which do you think? Annie thinks about it for a moment, taking it very seriously... ANNIE The black one... Kate nods. Shes about to put it on when she looks at Annie... KATE Fightings a part of it, Annie. You know that, right? ANNIE Im not worried, Mom. Hes still learning our ways... Kate looks at her with a raised eyebrow, then nods. Its true. She puts down the dress and holds out a hand to Annie. KATE Cmere. Kate leads her to the makeup table, then opens a lipstick... ANNIE (excited) Really? Kate nods then applies some red lipstick to Annies lips. KATE Now go like this... Kate rubs her lips together, showing Annie how to do it. Annie mimics her Mom, then Kate looks at her Annies beaming. KATE (CONTD) Youre gonna break a lot of hearts, you know. A smile from Annie... Pull back to reveal...Jack standing at the door, watching ...appreciating the kind of mother Kate is... 79 OMITTED 80 EXT. LOIRE - NIGHT A small, elegant French restaurant hidden on a tree- lined lower Manhattan street. 81 INT. LOIRE - SAME TIME Jack is wearing the suit Kate gave him. Its not a Zegna, but he looks pretty damn good. He leads Kate toward the cloak room at this intimate restaurant... He helps her off with her coat. Kates wearing the sexy little black dress and we can immediately see its effectiveness... JACK You look beautiful... A charmed smile from Kate as she hands Jack her coat. Jack hands the coats over to the COAT CHECK GIRL... JACK (CONTD) (instinctively) Thanks, Catherine... Jack fakes a SNEEZE, trying to cover up...Kate gives him a pat on the back... KATE You okay? He takes Kate by the arm... JACK Fine... He leads her to the main room. She looks out at the room, elegant tables, French country decor, a PIANIST playing Cole Porter... KATE (quietly to Jack) Jack...can we afford all this? JACK Whats the difference? Im taking my baby out for our anniversary, damn the costs... KATE How do you even know about this place? Jacks caught for a moment. Then... JACK Arnie... (insistent) Arnie. Hell throw you a curve ball once in a while, thats for sure... Jack puts his arm around her and kisses her on the cheek... 82 INT. LOIRE - A LITTLE LATER Jack and Kate sit at a secluded table, a WAITER standing next to them. Jacks not even looking at the menu. JACK Well have the tureen of quail breast with shiitake mushrooms to start, then the veal medallions in raspberry truffle sauce and the sea scallops with pureed artichoke hearts...sea scallops, North of the Caspian... Kate looks at Jack, a mixture of confusion and awe on her face. WAITER Very good, sir. And may I say those are all excellent selections. JACK You may... (perusing the wine list) Also, well have a bottle of Lafite, 1982. Kate reaches over and pulls down the wine list, reading it upside down. KATE Its five hundred and fifty dollars, Jack! A wince from Jack...for a moment there it was almost perfect. JACK Just a glass of red wine for each of us... The waiter nods, then walks toward the kitchen... KATE You are so not off the hook yet, slick. JACK But Im gettin close, right? A noncommittal nod from Kate. Then Jack notices her look over at the pianist, drawn in by the music. JACK (CONTD) You want to dance? A puzzled look from Kate. Theres nobody else dancing. There isnt even much room to dance... KATE I dont think theres dancing here, Jack. Jack gets up and holds out a hand. JACK Sure there is... Kate looks around again, then she smiles. Kate rises, taking his hand. Jack takes her in his arms, swaying slowly in the limited amount of space, confident and self-assured. The pianist looks up, smiling, appreciating their role in this romantic moment. Kate moves with Jack, following his lead comfortably. They look good together...in sync with each other... People are watching them...some of the men are impressed, others are scoffing, but the women are clearly charmed... KATE (whispering to Jack) Pretty good for a tire salesman from Jersey... Jack flashes her his most charming smile. JACK I have my moments... They continue to dance, in a world of their own... 83 INT. LOIRE - LATE Jack and Kate at the table enjoying a gourmet meal. Jack holds out a fork with a piece of veal for Kate. She takes a bite. KATE Mmmm... (spearing a scallop) ...here, try one of these... Jack takes a scallop from Kates fork. JACK (savoring the scallop) God I missed that taste... Kate laughs. JACK (CONTD) Why are you laughing? Kate shoots him a look of curiosity. Jack looks back at her, sees the trust in her face...He puts down his fork. JACK (CONTD) I need to tell you something. KATE Okay... JACK I think it may help us but theres a slight chance it could make things worse. She hears the seriousness in his voice. KATE Now Im worried...just say it. Whatever it is well deal with it. JACK Are you sure? She nods. Jack searches his mind for the right words. Then... JACK (CONTD) I feel like Im living someone elses life... Jack looks to her, expecting the worst. But she just nods reassuringly. He continues... JACK (CONTD) I used to be so sure about everything, you know? I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. Then one morning I woke up and suddenly it was all different... KATE Worse, you mean... JACK No. Well, maybe a few things. But mostly just different... Jack lets out a small smile. Now hes the one whos reassuring Kate. JACK (CONTD) I never used to be like this, Kate. I had it all figured out. No doubts, no regrets. KATE And now...? JACK Now...I dont... He looks at her, staring into her eyes, almost desperate for understanding. KATE Me neither. A raised eyebrow from Jack. KATE (CONTD) I think its good to be a little unsure about who you are. Its very human. JACK But you always seem so certain. KATE Cmon, Jack, you think there arent mornings when I wake up and wonder what the hell Im doing in New Jersey... JACK Thats a big one for me, too. KATE My office is a dump, I answer my own phone...and youve seen my pay check. JACK Your pay check is a disgrace to pay checks. KATE I mean yes, I help people that need it... JACK I guess...some of them are probably faking. KATE (a laugh, then...) God, sometimes I think it would be so nice not to have to stretch ground beef or maybe drive a car with a CD player... He smiles, right there with her. KATE (CONTD) Imagine having a life where everything was easy...where you asked for things and people just brought them to you... JACK Its wonderful... Kate laughs, nodding. A pause, then... KATE I think about it, too, Jack. I do. I think about the kind of person Id be if I hadnt married you... Its as if shes inside his head. They stay like this for a moment, looking into each other. JACK And...? She stops a moment, considering. Then... KATE And I realize Ive just erased the things in my life Im most sure about. You, the kids... Jack nods. JACK Good things... KATE What are you sure about? Jack looks into Kates eyes. JACK Im sure that right now theres nowhere Id rather be than here with you... Kate smiles at Jack, a loving, secure smile. Its been a while. CUT TO: 84 EXT. PENSION - NIGHT The mini-van parked outside a small brownstone right on the square. Its like something out of a Henry James novel... charming, meticulously maintained, elegant... 85 INT. PENSION, SUITE - A LITTLE LATER The door opens and Jack, carrying Kate in his arms, enters... Jack puts Kate down and she takes in the room, antique furniture...its like walking into another world... KATE This is so beautiful... Jack smiles as he opens a champagne bottle sitting on a silver ice bucket... KATE (CONTD) You know champagne makes me do crazy things. JACK (pouring) Ill just full yours up to the top. (handing her a glass) Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Kate smiles, clinking her glass with Jacks. KATE I dont know how you did it, hoss, but you pulled it off. JACK Im out of the doghouse? KATE Way out... Kate saunters into the bedroom, looking at the king- size poster bed, feeling the down quilt. Jack follows her... KATE (CONTD) (turning to him) You may even get lucky tonight... Kate kisses him...when their lips separate, we can see the powerful effect it has on him. Jack looks deep into her eyes, stroking her hair, lost in her. JACK Youre so...beautiful... KATE I already told you you were gonna get lucky, Jack... They kiss again, a long soulful kiss. Then... Jack pulls back, a look of realization on his face... JACK My god, all this time...I never stopped loving you... KATE (a wide smile) Thats all I wanted to hear... She kisses him, their bodies intertwined...hands caressing ...more and more passionate...then reaches behind her to the light. The room goes dark... DISSOLVE TO: 86 INT. PENSION, SUITE - MORNING Morning sun streams onto Jack and Kate in bed... Kate, in Jacks arms, her head on his chest, a contented smile on her face... Jacks eyes open...adjust to the light. He looks over at Kate. Theres something different in his eyes...something deeper. Jack smiles...a broad, Im in love kind of smile. Kate stirs, gently stroking Jacks chest. KATE Mmmm...Jack... Kate lifts her head, turning to face Jack. KATE (CONTD) I feel like I should give you money... Jack laughs. KATE (CONTD) I mean, my god, Jack you were always good but this...this was... like a porno movie. Kate lays her head back on Jacks chest, looking at Washington Square through the window. KATE (CONTD) I could stay here forever... JACK I dont think Id fight you on that one... Kate lifts her head and looks at him expectantly. They kiss. 87 EXT. NEW JERSEY STREET - NIGHT The mini-van passes a sign that reads, Welcome to Teaneck. 88 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, VARIOUS - MORNING Annie walking through the downstairs of the house, practicing her violin...its a noise bordering on MUSIC, but not quite... She walks into the kitchen where... Jack stands at the counter in his robe, reading the Newark Star Ledger and drinking a cup of coffee. He lowers the paper, watches Annie with a smile as she strolls through the room playing her violin badly...he goes back to his paper. 89 INT. JACKS CLOSET - MINUTES LATER Jack, still singing, donning his Dockers and short- sleeve oxford... 89A EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - MORNING The front door of the Campbell House... Jack emerges in his work clothes, putting his coat on, a bagel in his mouth... He disappears from frame, the screen door closing slowly behind him... In a moment...Kate appears at the door, a cup of coffee in her hand...she follows Jack with her eyes as he heads to the car. Then...a smile from Kate... In a moment...Jack returns to frame and heads straight into Kates arms... ...a passionate kiss as she leans against the door post... KATE Have a good day... A smile from Jack as she pats him on the ass and sends him on his way... 90 EXT. BIG EDS - AFTERNOON Jack, pointing to a stack of radials, is standing with a MAN (40s) wearing a pale blue leisure suit and a pair of high top Nike Air Jordans. JACK For the money, theyre hands down the best radial we carry... MAN (thinking, then...) Okay, Ill take them... JACK You wont regret it... (shouting to Tommy) Tommy! Set Mr. Conlin up with four B.F. Goodrich G-Force T/As... (looking the man over) ...and give him ten percent off for having the best costume... Just then, a black ROLLS ROYCE SILVER SERAPH pulls into the lot, its front left tire riding on the rim... ESTELLE (O.S.) (over P.A. system) Jack, Kate on line two! Jack pick up two! Jack turns toward the door, but then looks curiously back at the Rolls...something familiar about it... Then...Peter Lassiter gets out of the car... KENNY (walking out to Jack) Kates on two, Jack. (on seeing the Rolls) Nice ride... JACK (staring at Lassiter) If youre into that kind of conspicuous consumption... KENNY You want me to handle him? I think Im ready... ESTELLE (O.S.) (over P.A. system) Jack! Kate still holding on line two... JACK Sure...be careful, he looks like a tough negotiator... Jack walks inside... 91 INT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS ...but hes still focused on Lassiter through the window, cant take his eyes off him... He gets to the phone...sees the light for line two blinking ...he looks back outside, sees Kenny approach Lassiter... ...back to the blinking phone light...he picks up the phone... But cant bring himself to hit the blinking light. Then... JACK (to Estelle, into intercom) Tell Kate Ill call her back... INTERCUT WITH ESTELLE IN HER OFFICE ESTELLE (into intercom) It sounded pretty important. JACK (into intercom) Im with a customer. Ill call her back. He takes his hand away from the phone and walks back outside the store... CHAPTER THIRTEEN - PETER LASSITER 92 EXT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS ...towards Kenny and Lassiter. LASSITER (to Kenny) I seem to have had some kind of blow out... Jack approaches, tapping Kenny on the shoulder. JACK Why dont you let me take this one, Kenny? KENNY Okay, chief. Kenny nods then heads back inside... JACK Peter Lassiter... LASSITER (surprised) Do I know you? JACK Not exactly. Ive seen you on CNBC. (with a smile) You look taller in real life... CUT TO: 93 INT. BIG EDS TIRED, JACKS OFFICE - LATE Jack leaning back in his chair, behind the desk of his cluttered, cramped office. JACK ...truth is, Mintz was so busy timing his wifes breathing he didnt see that MedTech needed Global more than the other way around. Ten days, two weeks tops, they wouldve approached you with an offer, and Id bet anything it wouldve been thirty billion, not twenty nine... (a knowing smile) Problem was, Peter, you had a pussycat running the show. What you needed was a rottweiler. Lassiter, sitting on the little chair across from Jack, an intrigued look on his face... LASSITER (nodding) Well, Im impressed. A smile from Jack. LASSITER (CONTD) I really am... Jack savors the moment, until... LASSITER (CONTD) So, about my car... Hes jarred back to reality, a little crestfallen... JACK Sure. Were going to have to special order that tire. Itll be ready in about two days. Lassiter nods, then takes a business card out of his wallet. LASSITER This has my office address on it... (thinking, then...) Why dont you drop it off yourself? A smile from Jack. CUT TO: 94 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, JACKS BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Kate, sound asleep in bed... Pan across to Jack, his eyes wide open, lost in thought... 95 INT. BIG EDS, JACKS OFFICE - DAY Jack wearing his Zeena suit, sitting behind his desk, distracted, as he listens to HECTOR, 40s, the GUATEMALEN MECHANIC. HECTOR ...I say to her, Margarita, we already have four kids, why do we need more? Jack is shaking his leg anxiously under the desk as he eyes the door... HECTOR (CONTD) But she say she want an even number. I say four is an even number! But she say she want six. Jack checks his watch... HECTOR (CONTD) I tell her, Margarita, I just got my green card, I like to sit back and rest a little bit... JACK (interrupting) Hector...do I usually listen to your personal problems? HECTOR Sure, Jack, all the time... Jack nods, then... JACK Look, I have some business that I have to take care of in the city so Im leaving early... (getting up) My advice to you...follow your dreams. CUT TO: 96 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - AFTERNOON Jack pulling up to the building in Lassiters Rolls... He gets out of the car, walks to the building, feeling good, confident, stopping to gaze up at the skyscraper...he breathes in deeply, then heads inside... 96A INT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Jack enters, instinctively tossing the car keys to the SECURITY GUARD...the guard looks at him like hes crazy... 97 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - MINUTES LATER Jack and Lassiter walk together... LASSITER ...were really more of a boutique operation, as you can see... JACK But youre not interested in boutique dollars... (a smile) I get it... They walk into... 98 INT. ALAN MINTZS OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Past the assistants desk... MINTZS ASSISTANT (seeing Lassiter) Hes expecting you, Mr. Lassiter... Lassiter doesnt even slow down... 99 INT. ALAN MINTZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Its Jacks old office but you wouldnt know it from the decor...lots of country pine, a fabric sofa, and a play pen where the bar used to be. Jack enters, immediately struck by the difference... LASSITER (to Mintz) Alan, this is Jack Campbell...the one I was telling you about... Mintz, a confident look on his face, gets up from the desk and goes to shake Jacks hand. ALAN Jack, of course. They shake hands. JACK (appropriately deferential) Mr. Mintz. ALAN Please, call me Alan. We try to cultivate a casual atmosphere around here... JACK (re: play pen) I can see that, Alan. A chuckle from Mintz. ALAN You have kids, Jack? JACK (hesitating, then...) Uh...actually, yes. Two... good ones. Another laugh from Mintz. ALAN Thats great... (gesturing to the sofa) Why dont you have a seat? Jack nods, sits down on the plush sofa, Mintz and Lassiter take the chairs. ALAN (CONTD) So, Peter mentioned that you were an avid CNBC watcher but didnt say whether you had any actual Wall Street experience? Jacks a little taken aback by the question, not realizing he was walking into an interview... He crosses his legs, trying to get comfortable. JACK I was a sales associate, at E.F. Hutton. ALAN A broker? Really. And now youre in the tire business? JACK Thats right. And auto supply... ALAN Uh huh. The retail end, I understand. Jack nods... JACK Uh...we actually get about sixty percent of our business from automotive service. ALAN Mind if I ask what kind of sales you did last year? Ballpark... JACK We did one point seven million in total revenue... ALAN Uh huh...one point seven. And what do you project for this year? Jack pauses, analyzing the situation...the patronizing questions, the smirk on Mintzs face... ALAN (CONTD) Any thoughts at all on that? As Jack stares into their faces, he realizes the extent of his handicap... ALAN (CONTD) Jack? He stops, takes a moment, looking at Mintz and Lassiter then ...a confident smile. JACK Well, Alan, I think were gonna have a banner year. Sales are up almost twenty percent in the first quarter and we just landed a major trucking company account. ALAN Really. So youre projecting what, a tad over two million? A gleam in Jacks eye. JACK Thats right. And that would make us number one in our market... (getting up) You mind if I stand? A raised eyebrow from Mintz. Mintz and Lassiter follow Jack with their eyes as he crosses the room to the desk, pours himself a glass of water... JACK (CONTD) Look, I know our paltry little two million in sales is about what you spend on office supplies in a year. And I know some regional trucking company account is nothing compared to a sixty billion dollar merger... ALAN Im not trying to knock the tire business, Jack. JACK (a confident chuckle) Its okay, Alan. I get it. Im in your shoes, Im thinking exactly the same thing...but heres the thing. Business is business. Wall Street, Main Street, its all just a bunch of people getting up in the morning, trying to figure out how the hell theyre gonna send their kids to college. Its just people... Jacks confidence is throwing Mintz off, but Lassiter appears intrigued... JACK (CONTD) And I know people. ALAN Im sure you do... LASSITER (intervening) Lets let the man have his say... Mintz covers his embarrassment with a smile... JACK (to Mintz) Take you, for instance... ALAN (defensive) What about me? JACK You drink about sixteen Diet Cokes a day. Youre an excellent father, but you feel guilty about the time you spend away from home. You drink bourbon, but you offer your clients scotch... Jack looks around the office then back to Mintz. JACK (CONTD) And your wife decorated this office... A laugh from Lassiter as Mintz sits there stewing, a caught look on his face. LASSITER He certainly has your number, Alan. JACK (turning to Lassiter) Youre a little tougher, Peter. A raised eyebrow from Lassiter, but hes game... JACK (CONTD) For one thing, you like expensive things. LASSITER (smiling proudly) Thats easy. Youve seen my car. JACK (a chuckle) Okay...you smoke Hoyo de Monterreys. Youre a scotch man, single malt, not because its trendy but because youve been doing it for forty years, and you stay with what works. You have two great loves in your life, your horses and this company. You wept openly the day the Dow hit ten thousand... Lassiters impressed. JACK (CONTD) And youre a man who prides himself on finding talent in unusual places... LASSITER Oh? And how would you know that? Jack smiles. JACK Because Im here. On Lassiter...nodding his head. Mintz, a plastered-on smile. JACK (CONTD) Im prepared to do anything it takes to get this job. Start anywhere you need me to start. Ill park cars if I to... (into Lassiters eyes) The biggest part of judging character is knowing yourself. And I know this, I can do this job. Give me a chance, Peter, I wont let you down. Lassiter returns Jacks gaze with equal intensity. In a moment, he turns to Mintz. LASSITER (to Mintz) Alan, why dont you show Jack around a bit... ALAN Id love to. CUT TO: 100 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - MINUTES LATER Jack and Alan walking side by side down the hallway... EMPLOYEES passing them by, greeting Mintz, Mintz waving back... ALAN (pointing) ...thats our war room. We did seven major deals last year, three of them hostile. JACK (not particularly impressed) Seven. Really. They turn a corner, coming into a deserted section of the corridor. Mintz stops, turning to Jack. Jack returns Mintzs gaze with a quizzical look. ALAN Lets cut the shit, huh Campbell? What, did you go through his wallet or something? Jacks a little taken aback. ALAN (CONTD) No matter. That circus act back there may have dazzled Lassiter momentarily but it doesnt do shit forme. Even if you get this job, which I highly doubt, let me warn you, Lassiter loses interest in his pet projects very quickly. Im in the big office because Ive proved myself to him year after year and nobody is going to come in here and start turning the old mans head. Especially not some tire salesman from New Jersey. So you watch yourself and stay away from Lassiter, and maybe, just maybe, Ill keep you on after he gets tired of you. Do we understand each other? Jack stands there, staring at Mintz, silent, expressionless. ALAN (CONTD) Do we?! Then, a broad smile from Jack. JACK God, you really are different, arent you... (nodding) I mean...wow...I am impressed. Now its Mintzs turn to look quizzical. JACK (CONTD) Good for you. Why shouldnt you protect whats yours. ALAN I dont think youre hearing me. JACK Oh, Im hearing you, Alan. Thats not the problem. The problem is that what you think is yours, is really mine. And I dont care how low on the totem pole I start, I will get it back... (poking him in the chest) So do yourself a favor and dont get too attached to that view because sometime soon, maybe very soon, you and your French country antiques, your chintz sofa, and your little play pen are gonna be moving out of that office. Jack smiles at Alan one more time, then turns... JACK (CONTD) Oh, and by the way, you try selling tires for a living. I promise you, youd starve. Jack heads down the corridor, whistling a happy tune, leaving Mintz standing there, bewildered. CHAPTER FOURTEEN - A PERFECT LIFE? CUT TO: 101 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - DAY A double door opens and Jack leads Kate into this huge duplex. Kate looks around, taking the place in. JACK Welcome to Xanadu... The place is incredible...marble floors, architectural lines, high tech fixtures, elegant modern furniture... its striking but not at all homey like the Jersey house. JACK (CONTD) Pretty incredible, isnt it? KATE Its like a museum. Jack nods. KATE (CONTD) (turning to Jack) So whats the big surprise? You didnt rent this place for the weekend, did you? JACK Think bigger. KATE For the week? Jack chuckles. JACK This place is a perk, Kate. KATE A perk for what? JACK A company called P.K. Lassiter and Associates Investment House uses it to attract new executives... Kates confused. JACK (CONTD) Youre talking to their new Vice President of Mergers and Acquisitions. KATE What are you talking about, Jack? JACK Im going into arbitrage, honey. Turns out I have a knack for it. Ill be making two hundred grand a year plus a hefty bonus and thats just to start. And, we can live in this apartment practically rent free for as long as we want. Jack measures her reaction. Its not good... JACK (CONTD) We can finally afford to move back into the city. In style. Kate just looks at him, in shock. Then... KATE Are you out of your mind? JACK I dont think so. This is going to be a better life for all of us, honey. Well put Annie and Josh in private schools... KATE Annie goes to a great school. JACK Im talking about the best schools in the country here, Kate... KATE Jack, what could you possibly be thinking? What about my job? JACK This is New York City, its like the needy people capital of the world. Those Jersey clients of yours arent a tenth as pathetic as the ones you could get here... KATE (cutting him off) I cant believe you want to move back into the city. I thought the reason we left was because we didnt want to raise the kids here? JACK No, this is the center of the universe. If I were living in Roman times, I would live in Rome, where else? Today, America is the Roman Empire and New York is Rome itself. John Lennon. KATE (cutting him off) Jack. Jacks starting to struggle... JACK Look, Im detecting a kind of funky tension here...We dont have to live in this apartment. I dont need this...Ill commute...Ill drive to work... Jacks back on his heels...seeing his dream picked apart... KATE In traffic? Its over an hour each way? Thats almost three hours a day. When are you going to see the kids? Hes frustrated...he pauses a moment to gather himself. Then... JACK Kate. Youre not understanding me. Im talking about a great life. A perfect life. Everything we pictured when we were young. The whole package. You said it yourself, life has thrown us surprises, and so we made sacrifices. But now I can finally get us back on track... A sad chuckle from Kate. JACK (CONTD) I can do that. I want to do that. For all of us. I need to do that as a man... (imploring her) Think about it. No more lousy restaurants, no more clipping coupons, no more shoveling snow... KATE Then get a goddamn snow blower! Jacks taken aback by the intensity of her tone. KATE (CONTD) Dont get a new career without even telling me. Dont take Annie out of a school she loves. Dont move us out of a house weve become a family in... Kate stands there, wounded... KATE (CONTD) (quietly) Dont do that... JACK Look, youre making this into something its not. This isnt a referendum on our lives, Kate. Its a step forward... (appealing to her) Dont you see? Im talking about us finally having a life other people envy. Silence. Kate looks him in the eye a deep, piercing look... KATE They already do envy us, Jack... Kate picks up her bag and walks out of the apartment. 102 OMITTED 103 INT. ANNIES ROOM - NIGHT Annie is in a nightgown, practicing her violin. Jack walks in. Its all he can do to hold back cringing at the missed notes. Annie finishes the piece, lowering the bow. JACK Very nice. What is it? ANNIE Mary Had A Little Lamb. JACK Ah. A classic... Annie starts PLAYING again as Jack looks at the dresser. She has 20 or so family photos lined up and down its sides... Jack studies them...in every one Jacks face is totally contented. Jack studies them, looking at his own face. Annie lowers the bow, watching him... Jack turns to her. JACK (CONTD) Please dont stop... She smiles, then starts PLAYING again. He turns back to the pictures... 104 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, DEN - LATE Jack...standing in front of the desk, nursing a drink. He looks at Lassiters business card, sitting on the surface of the desk... He gazes around the room...his eyes coming to rest on a bookshelf...a book... He moves toward it...looking at its spine...its a tattered copy of Vonneguts Cats Cradle. He pulls it off the shelf, theres something inside...a bookmark... ...a PAN AM ticket jacket sleeve... ...inside...a boarding pass...From: London/Heathrow, To: New York/JFK, 10/4/87. He looks at it...somethings not right... JACK From London to New York...? (looking up) I came back... Then...a NOISE... Jack turns and sees Kate walking into the doorway, standing there...She sees Jack holding the Pan Am ticket sleeve. KATE Our finest moment, right... A quizzical look from Jack. KATE (CONTD) When you got on that plane I was sure it was over. I left the airport afraid Id never see you again. And then you showed up the very next day... (a wistful smile) That was a good surprise... She continues into the room, leaning against a bookshelf. KATE (CONTD) I think about you on that plane, about what must have been going through your mind...you sitting there imagining our life together, our life apart...I think about the decision you made... Jack watches her as she lets out a small sigh. KATE (CONTD) Maybe I was being naive but I believed wed grow old together in this house. That wed spend holidays here, have g randchildren visit us here. I had this image of us all grey and wrinkly, me working in the garden, you repainting the deck... Kate smiles gently as she pictures this. KATE (CONTD) Things change, right? People change... (pausing) If you need this, Jack, I mean really need this, I will take these children from a life they love, and take myself from the only home weve ever shared, and move wherever you need to go. Ill do that because I love you... The words are like a warm embrace for Jack... KATE (CONTD) I love you, Jack. And thats more important to me than our address... Kate smiles lovingly at Jack...she walks over to him, kisses him gently on the forehead. KATE (CONTD) I choose us. She turns and heads out of the room, leaving him there, the boarding pass still in hand, staring lovingly at her as she goes... 105 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack walks into the room... The lights are off, Kate already in bed sleeping. He undresses for bed, unable to take his eyes off Kate. Finally, he lifts the covers and climbs into bed next to her, moving closer to her, putting an arm around her, drawing her in... In her sleep, Kate nestles in Jacks embrace. He savors the feeling, then closes his eyes as... They lay there...side by side...together...a single person. DISSOLVE TO: 106 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING The morning light streams into the room. Kate opens her eyes. Jacks not in bed. A look of curiosity. Then, she hears LAUGHTER from outside. She goes over to the window...opens the blinds... revealing... Jack in the backyard, LAUGHING with joy, playing in the snow with Annie and Josh. Kate watches...a satisfied smile sweeping across her face... 107 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BACKYARD - SAME TIME ...Jack reaches out and snags Annie...she CACKLES in delight... The three of them fall over onto the soft white snow... The laughter from the kids is uncontrollable, Jacks joy is just as palpable... Finally, Annie stops laughing and grabs Jack around the neck, hugging his tight. ANNIE (whispering in Jacks ear) I knew youd come back... DISSOLVE TO: 108 INT. GARAGE - NIGHT Jack walks over to a utility shelf, fishing around until he finds a bag of rock salt...he grabs it, sees its empty... And then he hears it...the sound of a BICYCLE BELL RINGING, echoing through the room. A shudder passes through his body... He turns and sees Annie at the open garage door, sitting on her bike, ringing the BELL. Its an eerie moment for Jack... JACK What are you doing? ANNIE (a curious look) Ringing my bell... On Jacks anxious face... 109 OMITTED CHAPTER FIFTEEN SAYING GOODBYE 110 INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT On Jack...crouched down in an aisle of this local convenience store...checking out the bags of rock salt... He looks at the price tag on one of the bags... JACK Four ninety nine?! Its just salt for gods sake... On the entrance to the store...the door opens, a YOUNG GIRL, 17, enters, an average suburban teenager... She glances at a fashion magazine, picks up a package of gum... From the POV of the cashier, we see the girl approach the counter... On Jack, crouched down in the aisle. He grabs a bag of salt from the shelf, when... CASH (O.S.) Thatll be sixty five cents, little angel... Jack registers the voice...he rises slowly, looking over to the front counter...where he sees... Cash, dressed in a typical chain convenience store uniform, ringing up the teenager... An excited smile from Jack at the sight of Cash... JACK You...! Then...the color drains from Jacks face... JACK (CONTD) What are you doing here... Jack moves toward Cash at the counter... JACK (CONTD) Youre not sending me back... The girl eyes Jack curiously, then removes a dollar bill from her pocket and slides it across the counter to Cash... CASH Jack, its good to see you... Cash reaches into the register, taking out change for ten dollars...he hands the girl $9.35... CASH (CONTD) (to the girl) Thank you darlin... The girl looks at the money, realizing that Cash has given her the wrong change... CASH (CONTD) (back to Jack, seeing the rock salt) What do you got there, rock salt? Look at you, all domestic and shit... You really figured some things out, huh? The girl looks at Cash talking to Jack... JACK Im not going back... The girl hesitates...Cash turns to her... CASH (to the girl) Everything okay...? She looks at him, a moment of decision, then... TEENAGE GIRL Yeah...fine. JACK (raising his voice) Hey! Did you hear me...?! Cash ignores Jack, watching the girl as she heads to the door, hesitates a moment, then walks out... A look of disappointment on Cashs face as he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a little notebook... Cash looks at Jack. CASH (making a note in his book) That was a character issue... (shaking his head) ...and for nine dollars? Thats just sad... JACK Hey, Im talking to you! I am not going back, do you understand...?! Cash looks at him, compassion on his face. JACK (CONTD) You cant do this. You cant keep coming in and out of peoples lives, messing things up... CASH Cmon, Jack... Jack throws six bucks on the counter... JACK Ive got kids, Im going home... CASH You know what the word glimpse means, J? Its by nature an impermanent thing. Jack walks determinedly toward the exit. He stops and turns at the door... JACK (pointing at Cash) Im staying. Cash follows him with his eyes, a proud look on Cashs face as Jack leaves... 111 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, JOSHS ROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack walks to Josh. Hes sleeping soundly. Jack gently kisses Josh on the head, careful not to wake him. 112 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, ANNIES ROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack is standing over Annie, kissing her on the cheek. ANNIE (stirring, groggy) Is it morning yet? JACK No, honey. Go back to sleep. She closes her eyes as Jack stands there for a moment looking at her, sadness all over his face. JACK (CONTD) Take care of yourself, Annie. Im going back to the mother ship... Finally, he turns to go... 113 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT The clock reads, 11:17. Kate is already in bed as Jack walks in. KATE (looking up from her book) Hey... Jack approaches her, sitting on the bed... JACK These last weeks, Kate, I know that Ive done some...some unusual things. Kate nods. KATE Its been interesting, thats for sure. JACK But Ive done some good things too, havent I? KATE Youve been Jack Campbell. And thats always a good thing... She kisses him on the cheek. He takes her arms in his hands and looks her in the eyes. JACK I need you to remember me, Kate. How I am right now, right this very moment. I need you to put that image in your heart and keep it with you, no matter what happens. KATE Are you okay, Jack? JACK Please, just promise me youll do that. You have to promise, Kate. Because if you dont, then its like it never happened and I dont think I could live with that. Shes a bit confused but she couldnt be more in love with him. KATE I promise, Jack... JACK Promise me again... KATE I promise. Come to bed, honey. Jack stands up, heading toward the door. JACK Soon... 114 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE NIGHT Snow begins to fall... Jack with Lucy on a leash, walking side by side, his mind elsewhere... Lucy leads him around a corner...to a large open field... Lucy stops. She looks back at Jack, then out to the open field. Jack removes the leash. The dog bounds happily out into the field, looking for just the right spot. Jack puts his hands in his coat pocket...pulls out a half-eaten roll of PEPPERMINT LIFESAVERS, puts one in his mouth... He looks up at the sky, snow gently falling onto his face. Its cold, but its beautiful...peaceful and still...the air clean and crisp... He breathes in the fresh air, the Lifesaver dissolving in his mouth, watching the dog... 115 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT The room is dark... Jack enters, sees Kate sleeping soundly in bed. He sits down in a chair and watches Kate asleep, a sad look in his eyes... As he continues to watch her, to listen to her, his own eyelids appear to grow heavy... He tries to fight the sleep...opening his eyes... focusing on her...but its no use... Finally, he closes his eyes...falling into a deep sleep... CHAPTER SIXTEEN THE OLD LIFE DISSOLVE TO: 116 INT. JACKS APARTMENT, BEDROOM - MORNING A PHONE RINGING Jack, flat on his back in bed...Light streams onto his face ...he stirs... THE PHONE STILL RINGING... Jack reaches over to Kates side...theres no one there. Pull back to reveal...his old Manhattan apartment... his old dressy clothes strewn on the floor... Jack, sleep still in his eyes, reaches over...hes not wearing any pajamas...picks up the phone... JACK (groggy, dazed) Yeah...okay, send her up... He drops the phone...turns back over...lets his eyes stay closed for another moment...then... His eyes open... He looks around...sees his shirtless torso...then his old apartment...tailored clothes on the floor. JACK (CONTD) (sadly) Damnit. Jack looks at the clock, 9:23 a.m. He gets out of bed, throwing on pants and a pair of shoes, and leaves the room... 117 INT. JACKS APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...Jack walks to the door just as... The doorbell RINGS. He stops, then cautiously opens the door, seeing... PAULA, wearing a long overcoat and a wide smile on her face. PAULA Waiting for me by the door, huh? Jack looks at her. JACK Paula... Paula opens her coat the only thing she has on underneath is a sexy little teddy. JACK (CONTD) (momentarily distracted) Thats totally see through... PAULA (smiling) Merry Christmas... JACK (confused) Christmas? It cant be Christmas... Jack stares at her, totally confused... PAULA (lasciviously) Its whatever you want it to be, Jack... Jack grabs a leather jacket then walks right by a shocked Paula and heads out the door, practically running down the corridor. PAULA (CONTD) Jack?...Jack! CUT TO: 118 EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE - MORNING Jacks Ferrari speeds down the bridge, toward Jersey... 119 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - MORNING Jacks Ferrari pulls up in the driveway and he hops out. He races to the front door, POUNDING on it... A MAN in a Van Heusen shirt and Hagar slacks answers. Jack stares at him in shock. MAN Can I help you? JACK Is Kate here? Does Kate live here?! MAN Kate? No, theres no one here named Kate. Is that good enough for you? Jack starts rapping his head against the door post, much to the shock of the guy standing there. JACK Damn...damn...damn... MAN Hey, are you okay? JACK No...Im not... MAN Is there anything I can do for you? Jack shakes his head mournfully. MAN (CONTD) Hey, my wifes in the kitchen. You got a cigarette? JACK Im sorry, no... Jack walks off, beleaguered... 120 EXT. ARNIES HOUSE - MINUTES LATER Jacks car drives by as Arnie carries a bicycle box out to the garbage. The car screeches to a halt in front of the driveway. ARNIE (shouting at Jack) Hey, you cant park that thing here. JACK (out the window) Its me, Jack... ARNIE I dont care if youre Tim Allen with your fancy car and all your tools, you still cant park here. JACK Tell me you recognize me, Arnie. Please... ARNIE Howd you know my name? JACK We bowl together. Were bowlers ...we won a championship...were winners. ARNIE I never won anything in bowling. Arnie peers at Jack through the window. ARNIE (CONTD) Wait a second... (thinking) Jack...Jack... JACK Yes...Jack Campbell... ARNIE Of course. Jack Campbell. I went to high school with you...you played baseball, right? (at the Ferrari) Youre doing well... JACK (remembering) Yes, thats it...yes, we went to high school together. ARNIE You never really talked to me. I wanted to talk to you, man... JACK Yeah...I guess I just wanted you to know, we couldve been really good friends... 120A INT. FERRARI - DAY Jack driving...a CELL PHONE RINGS. A curious look on Jacks face, its been a while since hes heard that sound. JACK (answering phone) Hello? ADELLE (O.S.) Hey Santa, where are you? Everybodys here. JACK Adelle? ADELLE (O.S.) You were supposed to be here half an hour ago...the emergency strategy session? Your trip to Aspen? Theyre all panicked here... Silence from Jack... ADELLE (CONTD, O.S.) Jack...? Are you going through the tunnel? Finally, Jack shakes his head, defeated. JACK Ill be there in twenty minutes... CUT TO: 121 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, CONFERENCE ROOM - NOON TIME Its a beehive of activity... Jacks TEAM, anxiously going over reports and flow charts, working the phones, drinking coffee... Jack enters, still reeling from his experience, taking a moment to observe the action... Mintz spots him... ALAN (into phone) Thank god, Jacks here. Ill call you right back... He hangs up the phone as all eyes in the room turn to Jack, immediately fixating on how disheveled he looks. ALAN (CONTD) (approaching) Jack, are you okay? JACK (in a daze) Whats going on here? ALAN Its not good. Bob Thomas has secretly been talking to a European drug company. Were not sure which one, Julias on it right now. Word is theyre willing to let him buy a minority stake and keep running the entire company. The Global people are up in arms. They say we shouldve been prepared for this. Were in trouble here, Jack... Jack looks at Alan for a minute. JACK You know something, Alan. Theres a much more assertive person somewhere inside of you... Alan looks at him, confused. ALAN Excuse me? JACK But I think I like you better this way... ALAN Is this another one of those Sun Tzu Art of War tricks? A sad laugh from Jack. JACK No. ALAN So what are we gonna do, Jack? Jack wallows for another moment in his own sadness... ALAN (CONTD) Jack...? Jack snaps out of it, turning to Alan and the rest of the group... JACK Ill tell you exactly what were going to do. Youre going to do whatever you have to do to find out which European company hes been talking to. Then Im going to clean myself up, fly to Aspen, and drink egg nog with Bob Thomas. His wife and kids will be playing in the background while I spend Christmas day convincing him that the European company is the devil and Global is the answer to his prayers, after all... (growing wistful) Then Im going to spend four hours skiing. Alone. On Christmas day. Completely and utterly alone. Im going to do that because that is my life, that is whats real, and there is nothing I can do to change that... Jack leaves the office to the shocked stares of his team. 122 EXT. BROADWAY - DAY Jacks limo makes its way downtown. 123 INT. LIMO - SAME TIME Jack in the back seat of the limo, sadly looking out the window, watching the buildings pass by... He turns away, looks at the phone...haltingly picks it up... JACK (dialing 411) For Manhattan...Kate Reynolds...I need an address too... Jack jots something down on a business card. Then he hangs up the phone, thinks a moment, looks out the window, then turns to the driver... JACK (CONTD) Make a right here... DRIVER But the airports the other way... JACK Were not going to the airport... CUT TO: 123A EXT. KATES BUILDING - DAY Jacks limo pulls up outside this house on Washington Mews... Jack gets out... 124 INT. EAST SIDE APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY - AFTERNOON Jack stands outside an apartment door. He hears The Clashs London Calling BLARING from inside. He rings the bell...the volume of the music gets lower... Kates assistant, LORI, 20s, opens the door...Jack exchanges a curious look with her. LORI Are you from the shipping company? JACK Im Jack Campbell...Im an old... friend of Kates. I just called. The woman looks at him, then walks back inside... LORI (O.S.) Kate! Some guys here! Beat. Jack waits anxiously at the door. Then... KATE (O.S) (to Lori) Did you call the airline like I asked?! Jacks eyes come alive as Kate appears wearing jeans and a white blouse...except for her hair, she looks the same. JACK Kate... KATE Jack...God, its been so long...You look... She searches for a kind word, but he looks terrible. JACK You look great. KATE Its good to see you... She looks at him another moment, then turns... KATE (CONTD) (yelling inside) Lori! Wheres that box?! Kate walks inside, Jack follows her in sheepishly. 125 INT. KATES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS ...Jack accidentally knocks into a stack of boxes, sending a GLASS CANDY DISH CRASHING to the floor, SHATTERING it... JACK (bending down) I'm sorry... KATE Dont worry about it, Jack... Jack looks up at...a beehive of activity Lori on the phone, boxes stacked everywhere, TWO MOVERS packing up... JACK Whats going on? KATE (searching around) Im moving to Paris...it was right here... (to Lori) Its a box marked Jack. I put it in the stack for the Salvation Army... JACK Paris? LORI (to Kate, with attitude) Do you want me to look for the box or call the airline? KATE Hey, kind of under a little pressure here. LORI Hey, kind of giving up Christmas day for my ex-boss here. Jack watches this back and forth. KATE You didnt seem to mind offering to help me on Christmas day when you were unwrapping that Prada bag I gave you. LORI Maybe its by the wardrobe boxes... Kate heads over to some tall wardrobe boxes. JACK Youre moving... KATE Uh huh. To Paris. My firm has an office there and Im going to be heading it up. JACK (stunned) To Paris. Paris, France. KATE (searching the boxes) Thats the one... JACK So youre not at a non- profit firm? KATE (a chuckle) Not with what they pay me... JACK Youre not married, are you? KATE No, Jack, I never got married. You? JACK Not exactly... (looking around) Can we just take a minute here? Maybe get a cup of coffee or something...? LORI (yelling) Ill go for a cup of coffee! KATE Yes! A relieved smile from Jack... KATE (CONTD) I found it! LORI Congratulations. The La Guardia flights canceled but I got you out of Kennedy on United at nine. Am I good or what? Jacks smile disappears as Kate hands him a sealed box marked, Jack... KATE Here you go. Its just some old things of yours... Jack stands here, looking at the box, then at Kate... JACK Do you ever think about us, Kate? About what might have happened...? A bemused LAUGH from Kate. Then she sees hes not laughing... KATE Youre serious... A nod from Jack... KATE (CONTD) Ill tell you what, Jack, if youre ever in Paris, look me up. Maybe well go for that cup of coffee. One of the movers passes by Jack carrying a box... Jack looks at Kate, flush with the realization that this isnt the same woman he knew thirteen years ago, or left yesterday. JACK Sure. Goodbye, Kate. He leaves... CUT TO: 126 INT. JACKS APARTMENT - EVENING A scratchy Zeppelin album, the song All Of My Love, fills the room. Jack, a fifth of Bushmills by his side, goes through the box Kate gave him. He removes a worn leather jacket, feeling the soft material, then a Mondale for President button, which Jack smiles upon seeing, a couple Neil Young concert ticket stubs... He puts the leather jacket on, then sticks the Mondale button on the lapel. He digs back into the box, finding... A messy, dog-eared copy of Cats Cradle...not the one Kate gave him at the airport, the one she replaced... Jack looks at it for a moment...lost in his sadness... then... He looks over at the clock, it reads, 8:29. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN ONE LAST TRY CUT TO: 127 EXT. VAN WYCK EXPRESSWAY - NIGHT Jack in his Ferrari, racing down the highway at 120 MPH... He looks at the clock, it reads, 8:46. He opens up the throttle... 128 EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT, UNITED TERMINAL - MINUTES LATER Snow is falling as Jacks car races up to the terminal then stops. He jumps out. An AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD sees him... AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD Hey, you cant leave that there! Jack runs into the terminal, ignoring the guard... 129 INT. UNITED TERMINAL - SECONDS LATER Jack looking at the board. The nine oclock to Paris - Gate 8A. Jack sprints toward the gate... 130 INT. UNITED TERMINAL, GATE AREA - SECONDS LATER ...and gets there just as the flight is boarding. Jack looks through the crowd, spotting Kate near the front of the line, about to hand her ticket to the gate attendant. He pushes through the throng of people, drawing some annoyed stares, finally making his way over to Kate. JACK (calling out) Kate! Kate turns and sees Jack, a look of puzzlement on her face. JACK (CONTD) You cant go! KATE Jesus, Jack... JACK Dont get on that plane! KATE Jack. JACK Please. Lets just go have a cup of coffee. Thats all Im asking for. Im sure theres another flight to Paris tonight. KATE What do you want from me? You want me to tell you everything that happened was okay? Jack just stands there, unsure... KATE (CONTD) Well it is. Yes, I was heartbroken ...But I got over it. I moved on. People change, Jack. I changed. I dont know why you suddenly feel the need to revisit that time in our lives but I assure you, its over... Kate turns her back to Jack, leaving him standing there... He watches her walk to the podium, realizing shes right... He sees Kate reach the podium...hand her ticket to the attendant... Finally, a look of determination crosses his face... JACK (at Kate) We have a house in Jersey! Kate turns to him with a look that could kill. KATE Dont do this, Jack... But he continues... JACK We have two kids, Annie and Josh... ...Kate looks at him, half-mortified, half- interested... JACK (CONTD) ...Annies not much of a violin player but she tries really hard. Shes a little precocious but thats only because she says whats on her mind. And when she smiles... Jack shakes his head, remembering, fighting back the tears... JACK (CONTD) And Josh...he has your eyes. He doesnt say much but we know hes smart... (lost in the memory) ...hes always got his eyes open, always watching us... sometimes you can look at him and just know that hes learning something new... its like witnessing a miracle... Kates expression has sifted from annoyance to curiosity. JACK (CONTD) ...the house is a mess, but its ours... (chuckling) ...well, after a hundred twenty two more payments it will be... Jack begins walking slowly toward Kate...the world of the airport going on around him, Jack not caring... JACK (CONTD) And you...youre a non- profit lawyer. Thats right, completely non-profit. But that doesnt seem to bother you... Kate raises an eyebrow. Its something shes thought about. JACK (CONTD) And were in love. After thirteen years of marriage were still unbelievably in love... (with a chuckle) You wont even let me touch you until Ive said it... Jack gets closer and closer...Kates spellbound now... imagining the picture Jacks painting... JACK (CONTD) ...I sing to you...not all the time but definitely on special occasions... Jack walks into a piece of carry-on luggage sitting by a row of passengers... JACK (CONTD) (off hand, to passenger) Excuse me... (to Kate) We made a lot of sacrifices, dealt with our share of surprises, but we stayed together... Jacks nearly there... JACK (CONTD) You see, youre a better person than I am... Not in this life, and Kate knows it... JACK (CONTD) ...and it made me a better person to be around you... Kate is perfectly still, Jacks words echoing in her ears. JACK (CONTD) Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and imagined it all. But I swear, nothings ever felt more real to me... Hes right in front of her. She cant take her eyes off him. JACK (CONTD) And if you get on that plane right now, itll disappear forever. Silence. Jack and Kate in their own little world...airport business going on around them... JACK (CONTD) I know we can both go on with our lives. And wed both be fine. But Ive seen what we can be like together...And I choose us... Jacks words resonate in her ears. He gently touches a hand to her arm... JACK (CONTD) Please, Kate, one cup of coffee. You can always go to Paris. Just please, not tonight... She stands there, frozen, staring into Jacks eyes, searching for the answer. KATE Okay, Jack... DISSOLVE TO: 131 INT. AIRPORT - LATE NIGHT Jack and Kate, framed in the window of a nearly empty airport coffee shop...through the window, we see snow falling outside. From a distance we see them...TALKING and LAUGHING over a cup of coffee... FADE OUT.
FANTASTIC MR. FOX Written by Roald Dahl, Wes Anderson & Noah Baumbach March 4, 2007 EXT. WOODS. DAY An apple tree stands alone at the top of a hill. A handsome fox dressed in an Edwardian-style navy velvet suit leans against it with his arms folded and his legs crossed, chewing on a reed of wild grass. He holds an apple core in his paw. He spits out a seed. He looks off across a meadow that descends into the valley below. A female fox strides briskly up the hill. Her coat is a paler, especially beautiful shade of fox-red, and she wears men's trousers and a dark tunic. Fox says as she approaches: FOX What'd the doctor say? MRS. FOX Nothing. Supposedly, it's just a twenty- four hour bug. He gave me some pills. FOX (REASSURINGLY) I told you. You probably just ate some bad gristle. Fox brushes the fur on Mrs. Fox's ears with his paws. They walk together along the crest of the hill to a fork in the path. Fox points: FOX Should we take the short cut or the scenic route? MRS. FOX Let's take the short cut. FOX But the scenic route is so much prettier. MRS. FOX (SHRUGS) OK, let's take the scenic route. FOX Great. It's actually slightly quicker, anyway. Fox throws his apple core away over his shoulder and dances a quick circle around Mrs. Fox, wrapping his arm around her waist extravagantly and making her laugh as they start off down the scenic route. 2. EXT. FARM. DAY A rustic cottage surrounded by a small barn, a tin silo, and a rickity windmill. There is a sheep in a little pasture. A sign on a rail says Berkus Squab. Fox and Mrs. Fox watch from the bushes outside a fence. MRS. FOX What is a squab? FOX You know what a squab is. It's like a pigeon, I suppose. Anyway, it's a type of bird we can eat. Fox motions toward the edge of the property. FOX Should we go through the hole under the horse fence or climb the rail over the bridle path? MRS. FOX Well, I guess the horse fence would be a little safer. FOX But the bridle path puts us out right next to the squab shack. Mrs. Fox hesitates. She fiddles with her paws. She nods nervously. She shakes slightly. Fox looks at her funny. FOX What's wrong? I've never seen you like this. You're acting all skittish. Don't worry. I've been stealing birds for a living since before I could trot. MRS. FOX (SHRUGS) OK, let's take the -- FOX No, we'll do the horse fence. You gave me the scenic route already. Fox flashes a smile. He says suddenly: FOX By the way, you look unbelievably beautiful tonight. You're practically glowing. Maybe it's the lighting. 3. Mrs. Fox is, in fact, glowing, albeit ever so slightly. She stares at Fox enigmatically. Fox touches his paw to her cheek. (NOTE: an alternate version of Mrs. Fox will be used for this shot which can be literally lit from within.) With the speed, grace, and precision of athletes, Fox and Mrs. Fox: dart through a hole under a painted fence; race along a thin trail next to a garage; crawl beneath a window where a blonde woman serves an early dinner, dealing hamburgers like playing cards to three little, blond children; creep past a doghouse where a golden retriever sleeps with an airline sleeping mask over his eyes; and shimmy over a doorway outside a workshop where a blond, bearded farmer hacks into a stump with a hatchet, completely pulverizing it into sawdust. They arrive in front of a wooden shed. Fox whistles sharply with a half-chirp and performs a rapid reverse-flip with a flourish. Fox lifts a loose board. He looks to Mrs. Fox and puts his finger to his lips for her to be quiet. She shrugs impatiently. They duck inside. They come back out. Each holds a dead, bloody pigeon in his/her teeth. They start to run away. Fox looks up above them. He stops. He frowns. He takes the pigeon out of his mouth and says curiously, pointing toward the sky: FOX What's that? I think that's a fox-trap! Look at this. MRS. FOX Get away from there. FOX Is it spring-loaded? Yeah... (pointing to different spots) I guess if you come from over there, and you're standing at the door to the squab shack, this little gadget probably triggers the -- (gesturing to Mrs. Fox) Move out of the way, darling. That's right where it's going to land. Mrs. Fox runs back to Fox and tugs at his arm. MRS. FOX Come on! Stop it! Let's go! 4. Fox pulls on a little, hanging wire. A chain unrolls rapidly from a pulley, and a steel cage falls slap down on top of them. A small tag on the base of it says Badoit et Fils. Fox and Mrs. Fox stand motionless, side by side, in disbelief. FOX No, it just falls straight down right here, doesn't it? I guess it's not spring- loaded. Sounds come from around the farm: the dog barks, doors open, voices yell, lights come on. Mrs. Fox turns to Fox and says QUIETLY: MRS. FOX I'm pregnant. Fox stares at Mrs. Fox. He is confused but moved. FOX Wow. We're going to have a cub. Honey, that's great news! MRS. FOX If we're still alive tomorrow morning, I want you to find another line of work. Pause. Fox nods. CUT TO: A wide shot of the entire valley. There are thick woods, green and yellow fields, two ponds, a small village, and a river running through the middle. TITLE: 2 YEARS LATER ( 12 Fox-Years) EXT. HOLE. DAY The entrance to a tunnel under a dirt mound covered with holly bushes. INT. HOLE. DAY A small, comfortable kitchen off a living room with two bedrooms behind it. Fox sits at the kitchen table reading a newspaper called the Gazette. His fur has gone grey at the temples, and he now wears a dark, double-breasted, pin- striped suit with a conservative necktie. Mrs. Fox stands at the counter-top stirring something in a bowl with a whisk. 5. She is dressed in a paint-splattered, cream-colored, Victorian-style dress. INSERT: A column in the newspaper with Fox's picture at the top of it. The caption reads: Fox about Town with Fantastic Mr. Fox. FOX Does anybody actually read my column? Do your friends ever talk about it? MRS. FOX (STILL STIRRING) Of course. In fact, Rabbit's ex- girlfriend just said to me last week, "I should read Foxy's column," but they don't get the Gazette. (yelling into the next room) Ash! Let's get cracking! FOX Why would they? It's a rag-sheet. (SIGHS) I want to say I hate my job, but that would make it seem more important to me than I want people to think it is. Mrs. Fox puts down her bowl and starts slicing a loaf of bread. A small, narrow fox cub comes out of one of the bedrooms wearing white pants and no shirt. His hair is smashed all onto one side sticking up wrong. He is Ash. ASH I'm sick. MRS. FOX You're not sick. ASH I have a temperature. Mrs. Fox goes quickly over to Ash and puts her paw to his forehead. MRS. FOX You don't have a temperature. Ash turns away and says as he goes back into his bedroom: ASH I don't want to go. 6. MRS. FOX Hurry up. You're going to be late. Mrs. Fox goes back into the kitchen and starts making toast and coffee. Fox whispers to her: FOX I love the way you handled that. Mrs. Fox looks at Fox sideways. She says loudly to Ash: MRS. FOX Your cousin Kristofferson's coming first thing tomorrow morning. I want you to be extra nice to him, because he's going through a very hard time right now, OK? Ash comes back out of his bedroom. He now wears a white cardigan and white socks with his white pants tucked into them. He says aggressively: ASH Where's he going to sleep? MRS. FOX We're going to make a bed for him in your room tonight. ASH I can't spare the space. Put him in Dad's study. Fox says without looking up from his newspaper: FOX Dad's study is occupied by Dad. Ash goes back into his bedroom. Fox lowers his newspaper. He looks around the room. He says to Mrs. Fox: FOX I don't want to live in a hole anymore. It makes me feel poor. Mrs. Fox stops buttering the toast. She looks to Fox and says SOFTLY: MRS. FOX We are poor -- but we're happy. Fox twists his paw in the air, indicating: 7. FOX Comme-ci, comme-ga. Anyway, the views are better above ground. Mrs. Fox nods. She brings Fox a plate of toast and a cup of coffee. Fox takes her paw and says: FOX I'm seven non-fox-years old now. My father died at seven and a half. I don't want to live in a hole anymore, and I'm going to do something about it. Fox kisses Mrs. Fox's paw. He suddenly eats three slices of toast in a second and a half, savagely but neatly. He stands and picks up his cup of coffee. FOX Well, I'm off. Fox throws back the last of his coffee, kisses Mrs. Fox on the back of her neck, grabs his briefcase, tucks his newspaper under his arm, and walks to the door. He shouts CHEERILY: FOX Have a good day, my darlings! Ash comes out the bedroom again. He has now added a white cape to his ensemble and is in the middle of brushing his teeth. There is toothpaste all over his mouth. He waves briefly to Fox and goes back into his bedroom. Fox looks puzzled. FOX What's he wearing? Mrs. Fox shrugs. She smiles sadly and waves to Fox. Fox waves back. He starts to go out but pauses to look down at a folded up section of his newspaper. INSERT: A clipping from the real estate section. There is a photograph of a wide, sprawling beech tree at the top of a hill. A caption below it reads: Tree Living, Great Views, Classic Beech INT. TREE. DAY A door opens into a wide, low space with peeling paint. There is an old chair against the wall, a bare light bulb hanging 8. from the ceiling, and a layer of dust over everything. A skinny weasel in a khaki outfit immediately starts in as Fox comes into the living room: WEASEL Obviously, it's first growth, indigenous. Original dirt floor, good bark, skipping stone hearth -- Weasel is interrupted by a loud banging clank. He and Fox peer into the next room. A heavy-set opossum with a cowlick tinkers with some pipes under the kitchen sink. He is Kylie. Weasel snaps at him: WEASEL What'd I tell you? I'm showing the property. You're not supposed to be here. KYLIE (checking his watch) Oh, cuss. What time is it? I'm sorry. Weasel sighs. He waves his arm in Kylie's direction and says distractedly, slightly annoyed: WEASEL This is Kylie. He's the super. (aside to Fix) He's a little -- Weasel makes a fluttering gesture with his paw. Fox nods. He points at a bucket on the floor next to Kylie among bolts, tools, and washers. FOX What's in the bucket, Mr. Kylie? KYLIE (HESITATES) Just minnows. You want one? FOX Certainly. Thank you. Kylie reaches into his bucket and hands Fox a live, wriggling minnow. Fox swallows it whole. Fox stares out the window at three sprawling poultry compounds in the distance. Black smoke pours out of a farmhouse chimney on each property. A sign on a water tower in the first compound reads Boggis Farms and has a picture of a chicken on it. A sign on a silo in the second compound reads Bunce Industries and has a picture of a goose on it. A sign on a windmill in the third compound reads Bean, inc. 9. (since 1976) and has a picture of a turkey with an apple on it. Weasel says pointedly from across the room: WEASEL May I ask what you do for a living, Mr. Fox? Fox's eyes narrow as he looks out, entranced, with his mouth slightly open. He says almost inaudibly: FOX I used to steal birds, but now I'm a newspaper man. WEASEL (PLEASED) Oh, sure. I've seen your by-line. Fox snaps out of his reverie and says suddenly: FOX Good afternoon, gentlemen. Fox shakes hands abruptly with Weasel and starts across the room. Weasel is about to ask something when Fox stops in the doorway, looks back, and says: FOX Oh, and Kylie -- thank you for the minnow. It was superb. Kylie smiles. Fox exits. EXT. RIVER. DAY A beaver dam across a bend in a fast stream. A still pond sits above it. There is an entrance tunnel tucked beneath a rock. INT. BEAVER DAM. DAY A large room of twig, stick, and mud construction. A card on the door reads Badger, Beaver, and Stoat, L.L.P, Attorneys at Law. An anxious badger sits at his desk reviewing some documents. Fox paces the floor with his hands clasped behind his back. BADGER Don't buy this tree, Foxy. You're borrowing at nine and a half, which stinks like cuss, plus moving into the most dangerous neighborhood in the (MORE) 10. BADGER (CONT'D) country for someone of your type of species. FOX You're exaggerating, Badger. BADGER (YELLING) Bull-cuss! I'm sugar-coating it, man! This is Boggis, Bunce, and Bean! Three of the meanest, nastiest, ugliest farmers in the history of this valley! An uneasy otter secretary peers in at them from the outer office. Fox looks intrigued. FOX Really? Tell me about them. Silence. Badger sighs. He loosens his tie and settles in. BADGER All right... CUT TO: A fat man with a huge moustache. He wears a tweed suit which stretches at the buttons so much that they look like they are about to snap off. He holds a carbine rifle. He stands in front of his farm, which contains row upon row of chicken houses. He has an ugly face. He is Boggis. BADGER (V.0.) Walter Boggis is a chicken farmer. Probably the most successful in the world. INT. BOGGIS' KITCHEN. DAY Boggis sits at a chopping block tearing into a boiled chicken with a fork and a meat cleaver. BADGER (V.0.) He's unbelievably fat -- which maybe is genetic -- but he also eats three boiled chickens smothered with dumplings every day for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dessert. That's twelve in total, per diem. INSERT: 11. Boggis' ear. Furry black and white hairs grow out of it. A fly buzzes around, lands on it, and crawls inside. Boggis sticks his pinky in after it and scratches. BADGER (V.0.) He never takes a bath, as a result of which his ear holes are clogged with all kinds of muck and wax and bits of chewing gum and dead flies and so on. CUT TO: A short, overweight man with one slightly wandering eye. He wears overalls and a cap. He holds a twelve-gauge shotgun. He stands in front of his farm, which consists of several long buildings in rows like a factory. He has a nasty face. He is Bunce. BADGER (V.0.) Nathan Bunce is a duck and goosefarmer. He owns about 2 million ducksand 500,000 geese. You might say he's kind ofa pot- bellied dwarf of some kind. EXT. SWIMMING POOL. DAY Bunce stands up to his nose in water. The depth reads 4FT. BADGER (V.0.) He's so short his chin would probably be under water in the shallow end of any swimming pool on the planet. INT. BUNCE'S KITCHEN. DAY Bunce sits on two stacked telephone books on a chair. He guts a dead goose, cutting out its liver and mashing it with a fork. A plate of doughnuts cools on the table. BADGER (V.0.) He eats only doughnuts with smashed-up goose livers injected into them. CUT TO: A tall, skinny man in a long trench-coat. He holds a Luger pistol. He stands in front of his farm, which is an apple orchard that stretches over thousands of acres. He has a mean face. He is Bean. BADGER (V.0.) Franklin Bean is a turkey and apple farmer. He keeps his birds in an orchard (MORE) 12. BADGER (V.0.) (cont'd) where they run around squawking and gobbling, surrounded by apples. Bean aims his Luger and shoots a humming bird. Crazy turkeys run about among the trees. INT. BEAN'S SHED. DAY Bean works at a moonshine-type cider still, boiling chemicals and sipping from a bottle. BADGER (V.0.) He's probably anorexic, because he never eats anything. He's on a liquid diet of strong, alcoholic cider, which he makes from his apples. He's as skinny as a pencil, as smart as a whip -- and easily the biggest cusshole I've ever met in my life. CUT TO: Fox and Badger in Badger's office. BADGER In summation, I think you just got to not do it, man. That's all. FOX I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm going to ignore your advice. Badger leaps out of his chair and slams the office door. He points his finger at Fox and screams: BADGER The cuss you are! FOX (IN DISBELIEF) The cuss am I? Fox jumps up and points back at Badger, screaming: FOX Don't cussing point at me! BADGER (SCREAMING) Are you cussing with me? 13. FOX (SCREAMING) Do I look like I'm cussing with you? Fox and Badger begin to snarl and snap savagely, knocking into the furniture as they circle around the room pointing in each other's faces. Suddenly, they calm down all at once, sighing deeply. Pause. FOX One last thing: something's probably about to happen to me at work which I can't put my finger on but have a funny feeling about. How can I protect myself legally? BADGER (PAUSE) Are you about to get fired? FOX (SHRUGS) Slash quit. CUT TO: A door with a frosted glass window. Letters painted on it read Gazette, Editor-in-Chief, Phillip Squirrel. Fox's silhouette stands across from that of a small squirrel sitting at a desk. The squirrel's silhouette says in a GRAVELLY VOICE: SQUIRREL You're fired. FOX Slash I quit. Here's my letter of resignation. Fox's silhouette throws an envelope onto the squirrel's desk. MONTAGE: Two muskrats in orange moving company uniforms unloads boxes and furniture from a wagon and carries them into the tree. Fox holds open the front door and barks orders at them. Two muskrats in white painter's uniforms paints the walls of the living room and the trim around the windows with rollers and brushes. Fox stands on the drop-cloth and barks orders at them. 14. Two muskrats in blue electrician's uniforms work in the kitchen. Mrs. Fox watches over their shoulders and barks orders at them. Fox holds up a pair of flowered curtains in front of a window. He looks to Mrs. Fox. She stares at the curtains thoughtfully. She raises an eyebrow. Fox and Mrs. Fox sit in the windowsill looking out at the sunset. Ash stands in-between them. The flowered curtains wave in the breeze. Fox puffs on a pipe. Ash blows a soap bubble. Mrs. Fox puts out her paw and a butterfly lands on it. She smiles at Fox. He puts his arm around her. He raises a pair of binoculars to his eyes. INSERT: A binocular shot of an industrial shack with Boggis Chicken House #1 stencilled on the front of it. Fox lowers the binoculars. His eyes sparkle. EXT. TREE. DAY Ash stands poised on a high branch over an inflatable swimming pool printed with a red-tartan plaid pattern. He wears over-sized swim trunks with a pattern of acorns printed on them. Fox sits in the grass eating an apple below with Mrs. Fox. She is painting at an easel. Ash yells: ASH Watch this, Dad! Fox looks up. Ash leaps into the air and does a spectacularly awkward back-flip during which he appears to have four arms and three legs randomly attached to his body, flailing wildly. He hits the water by the side of his head and smacks into the surface back-first with a pained yelp. Fox grimaces. He claps mildly. (NOTE: an alternate version of Ash with four arms and three legs randomly attached to his body will be used for this stunt.) FOX Good jump, Ash! Remember to keep your tail tucked! Fox looks at Mrs. Fox's canvas. It is a picture of the pond and landscape in severe weather with black clouds and lightning bolts. It is signed Felicity Fox. Fox raises an eyebrow. 15. FOX Still painting thunderstorms, I see. Fox sees a small, Samsonite suitcase on the ground next to a pair of yellow sneakers. He frowns. FOX Whose suitcase is that? A boy's voice shouts from the high tree branch: KRISTOFFERSON Hello, everyone! Good afternoon! Fox, Mrs. Fox, and Ash look up, surprised. A second Fox cub stands poised on the edge of the limb. He is taller, leaner, sleeker, and it is immediately apparent even by his posture infinitely more graceful than Ash. He is Kristofferson. He wears a professional Speedo with a patch on it that says Swim Team. Fox brightens. FOX Kristofferson! Welcome to our little tree! I see you brought your swimming trunks! Kristofferson steps off the branch and performs a reserved but perfect jack-knife. He enters the water splashlessly. Fox leaps to his feet, applauding with his paws above his head, whistling and hollering: FOX Look at that! This kid's a natural! I'm speechless, Kristofferson! Kristofferson smiles modestly and shrugs. Ash stares at him stonily. Fox turns to Mrs. Fox. FOX Plus, he knows karate. INT. LIVING ROOM. EVENING Fox sits in his armchair reading the Gazette. Ash sits on a braided rug on the floor beside him reading a comic book called The Adventures of White Cape. On the cover, there is a picture of a ferret leaping off a motorcycle. Mrs. Fox is in the kitchen in the background flattening a hunk of dough with a rolling pin. Kristofferson is in the next room practicing tae-kwon-do. He wears khaki shorts, yellow sneakers, and a blue, short-sleeved, button-down shirt. 16. ASH Do you think I'm an athlete? FOX (without looking up) What are you talking about? ASH Well, you know, I think I'm an athlete, and sometimes I feel like you guys don't see me that way. FOX What's the sub-text here? Ash thinks for a minute. He looks at Kristofferson in the next room. Kristofferson is now sitting Indian-style on the floor meditating. His paws are turned upward with his thumbs touching his index fingers forming a ring. Ash says loudly to Mrs. Fox in the kitchen: ASH How long is Kristofferson supposed to stay with us? MRS. FOX Until your uncle gets better. ASH Right, but roughly how long do we plan to give him on that? Double-pneumonia isn't even really that big of a deal, is it? In the background, Kristofferson stands up again and starts practicing violent karate kicks. Mrs. Fox leans into the doorway and whispers forcefully: MRS. FOX As a matter of fact, it is. He's lucky to be alive. Now -- ASH Right, but -- Kristofferson yells suddenly as he does a spinning double- kick with a chop: KRISTOFFERSON Ki-ya! Everyone looks startled. Kristofferson resumes his tae-kwon- do practice with an angry, wounded look on his face. Mrs. Fox SAYS COLDLY: 17. MRS. FOX Lower your voice, Ash. EXT. TREE. NIGHT Fox and Kylie sit in a porch swing on one of the middle branches of Fox's tree. They drink cups of coffee. Crickets chirp. FOX Kids are crazy, aren't they? You got to try it, though. Raising a family. KYLIE Yeah. Sometimes I feel like maybe I MIGHT -- FOX What do you think of this tree, by the way? It's great, huh? KYLIE (HESITATES) Yeah. No, I was just saying how some- TIMES -- FOX I have one last part of what I was about to say. KYLIE OK. Go ahead. FOX I'm going broke. You want to help me steal some chickens? CUT TO: Fox's study, the next morning. A map of the valley with notes and arrows written all over it is spread across a desk. The door is closed with a towel jammed under it. A cricket match plays loudly on the radio. Fox sits in his armchair. Kylie sits in a creaky rocking chair. FOX I used to do this professionally, and I was very successful at it. I had to get out of it for personal reasons, but I've decided to secretly quit my job slash got fired to pursue it again. I'm bringing you in as my secretary and personal assistant. 18. KYLIE OK! FOX (PRICKLY) This is actually kind of a big deal, so don't just say, "OK!" KYLIE OK. Well, thank you. FOX (clearing is throat) I'm going totape this formyrecords,so don't make a lot of sounds --meaning stop rocking. KYLIE (DEFENSIVELY) Well, maybe we ought to turn off the radio, then. That's noisier than -- FOX I don't want people to eavesdrop on us, Kylie. Let me just tell this. Kylie stops rocking. Fox presses record on a tape recorder. HE BEGINS: FOX Master Plan. Phase one. Side A. CUT TO: That night. Fox stands on a rock at the edge of the woods looking through his binoculars. He lowers them and gives a hand-signal. Kylie joins him, and they start out along the moonlit ridge. Fox wears a dark car-coat and a black cap. Kylie has on a navy ski-hat. FOX (V.0.) We'll start with Boggis' Chicken House #1. His only security is a few old hunting beagles and a low stone wall. Now a word about beagles: never look a beagle directly in the eye. And if -- KYLIE (V.0.) (INTERRUPTING) Why not? CUT TO: 19. Fox and Kylie in Fox's study earlier that afternoon. Kylie SAYS BLITHELY: KYLIE Beagles aren't so tough. FOX (ANNOYED) Yeah? Well, first of all, one of these beagles has chronic rabies, which he's on medication for, and if you get bit by him you have to get shots in your stomach for six months. And, second -- listen, I'm not going to justify this to you. Just pay attention and stop interrupting me. I'm taping this. EXT. RAVINE. NIGHT Fox and Kylie shimmy down a steep embankment and cross a stream. FOX (V.0.) I picked some blueberries, butterflied them with a scalpel, and laced each one with ten milligrams of high-potency sleeping powder. INSERT: Fox's paws meticulously sprinkle a powdered mickey into a dissected blueberry and stitch it shut with red thread. FOX (V.0.) Enough to tranquilize a charging gorilla. CUT TO: Fox and Kylie in Fox's study earlier that afternoon. They now smoke pipes. KYLIE How do we make them eat it? FOX (smiling, with utter certainty) Beagles love blueberries. EXT. RIDGE. NIGHT Fox and Kylie push through a bramble and climb to the top of an elderberry bush. Fox looks through his binoculars. 20. FOX (V.O.) If we approach with the wind in our faces, we'll smell the chicken livers on Boggis' breath from at least fifty yards away. EXT. BARNYARD. DAY Seventy-five chickens stand around quietly but anxiously, darting wildly nervous looks at one another. They eat bits of grain off the ground. FOX (V.O.) Remember: they aren't very smart, but they're incredibly paranoid -- so always kill a chicken in one bite. CUT TO: Fox and Kylie in Fox's study earlier that afternoon. They now drink whiskey sours. Fox repeats: FOX One bite, get it? Fox waits for Kylie to respond. Kylie does not. Fox frowns. FOX Are you listening to me? I look into your eyes and I can't tell whether you're getting anything I'm saying. Kylie stares at Fox vacantly. He shrugs. (NOTE: an alternate set of eyeballs will be used for any shots indicating Kylie's vacant look.) EXT. MEADOW. NIGHT Fox and Kylie move swiftly through the tall grass. Fox pauses to sniff the air. He nods. FOX A few beagles, as we discussed, but we're ready for that. Fox and Kylie cross a dirt lane and come out of a shallow ditch. Fox licks the pinky of his paw and holds it up in the air. FOX You feel that? The wind's in our faces. 21. Kylie touches his face with his paw. He nods. Fox and Kylie run along the edge of the ditch. Kylie says casually: KYLIE Yeah, back in the old days, didn't they used to do a thing where if somebody saw a wolf, and -- FOX (STARTLED) What wolf? Fox stops in his tracks. His eyes dart about. Kylie looks at him curiously. FOX Oh, nothing? Never mind. Fox and Kylie veer off into shorter grasses. Fox points ahead, regaining his composure: FOX Here comes the low stone wall. Not a problem. Fox and Kylie climb over a low stone wall and find themselves at the base of a chain-link fence eleven feet high. FOX This is a chain-link fence, I guess. Did I not remember this? Maybe it's new. Let's pause. (SUDDENLY ANGRY) What the cuss? Where'd this giant fence come from? We had a master plan! Kylie motions to a yellow, plywood lightning bolt posted to the fence. KYLIE What's this lightning bolt stand for? FOX Give me a second! I said, "Let's pause"! Pause. Fox pulls himself together. He turns to look at the plywood lightning bolt. FOX That, I guess, hypothetically, could mean maybe this fence might be electric. 22. KYLIE Well, I just hope it doesn't mean thunder. I have a phobia of that. Fox and Kylie climb a tree and crouch at the end of one of its branches. Fox produces a zip-loc bag filled with blueberries with white thread stitched into them. FOX Watch this. Fox puts a blueberry into the end of a straw and shoots it out into the barnyard. CUT TO: The blueberry landing on the ground in front of Chicken House #1. A beagle approaches it and sniffs at it. He eats it. He looks very pleased. He falls over, out cold. CUT TO: Fox with an ecstatic expression on his face. He rapidly shoots more and more blueberries across the barnyard. Beagles eat blueberries and fall over, one after another. Fox and Kylie drop down into the barnyard and head for Chicken House #1. Fox whispers excitedly as they run: FOX Beagles love blueberries! Didn't I tell you? The master plan's working again! Kylie raises his fist enthusiastically and trips over an unconscious beagle. He picks himself up quickly, and they weave among the rest of the beagles. They reach the entrance to the chicken house, open the door, and duck inside. Pause. There is an eruption of crazed squawking, screaming, and fighting from inside. The chicken house rumbles. Lights jolt on across the compound. An alarm goes off. Voices yell. The chicken house door swings open again, and Fox and Kylie emerge among a cloud of feathers. Fox carries two dead chickens, and Kylie has one live one. Fox yells: FOX I said one bite, cuss it! KYLIE I'm trying! I have a different kind of teeth from you! I'm an opossum! 23. Kylie tries to bite the chicken on the neck. The chicken is unharmed. Kylie shrugs. Fox kills the chicken with one quick flick of the jaws. Kylie looks horrified. KYLIE That's so grisly! There's blood and everything! FOX (DEFENSIVELY) We're killing chickens! There's going to be blood in this story! Follow me! Fox and Kylie dash to the electric fence. They stop in front of it. Kylie looks to Fox. KYLIE What's the master escape plan? Fox hesitates, confused. A gunshot fires from among the chicken houses. Fox shouts to Kylie: FOX Follow me again! Fox and Kylie run back across the barnyard, past the beagles as they begin to wake up and stagger around. Farmhands appear, loading shotguns and running into the confusion. Fox and Kylie race by, unnoticed, among them. They dart into the house through a flap in the back door. The lights are out in the kitchen. They take a moment, breathing hard in the darkness. Kylie shakes his head in disbelief. KYLIE Wow. That was amazing. How did we do that? We ran the other way or something. FOX Yeah. KYLIE What happens now? FOX I have no idea. Fox opens the door-flap a crack. He looks out and sees Boggis opening the front gate to let out his beagles and farmhands, barking and shooting, as they search for the intruders. Fox shouts to Kylie: 24. FOX Holy cuss! They opened the gate! Follow me again! Lightning quick, Fox and Kylie burst out through the door- flap, race across the barnyard, and dart through the open gate. Up the road, Boggis screams furiously as he runs with his pack of beagles and farmhands. Fox and Kylie fly into the bushes. As they race through the underbrush Fox says BREATHLESSLY: FOX Let's hit the five and dime on the way home! We need to make some fake price tags and wrap these chickens in wax-paper so it looks like we got them at the butcher shop! Fox and Kylie howl ecstatically. MONTAGE: A fox's paw lifts a silver dome off a perfectly roasted chicken with an apple in its mouth. Fox and Mrs. Fox sit at a candle-lit table eating chicken and drinking wine. Ash, Kristofferson, and Kylie sit at a slightly miniature table eating chicken and drinking milk. Fox laughs hysterically as he tells his wife a story. Wine comes out of his nose. Fox and Kylie dash out the door of Boggis' Chicken House #7 carrying three more dead chickens. Lights jolt on. Farmhands run out firing shotguns. Fox and Kylie escape through a hole cut into the electric fence. Fox and Kylie dash out the window of Bunce's Poultry Barn C carrying two dead ducks and a goose. Alarms ring. Farmhands run out firing pistols. Fox and Kylie escape through a hole knocked into a brick wall. Fox and Kylie dash out the gates of Bean's Apple Orchard XII carrying two dead turkeys and a basket of apples. Automatic doors close. Farmhands run out firing rifles. Fox and Kylie escape through a hole chopped into a burning barricade. Fox and Kylie run full-speed through a clover field in the dark. The camera zooms in slowly on their faces as they ford a stream, leap a fallen hawthorn, and cross into the willow glade. They look exhilarated. 25. INT. KITCHEN. EVENING Mrs. Fox studies a crayon price-tag labelled $4 attached to a wax-paper-wrapped parcel. She opens the parcel and holds up a dead chicken by the leg. There is a small metal clip around its ankle. She examines it. She frowns. Fox comes in, grabs an apple out of a bowl, and starts back out of the room. MRS. FOX Where'd you get this chicken? FOX (SHRUGS) I picked it up at the Five-and-Dime last night on my way back from -- MRS. FOX It's got a Boggis Farms tag around its ankle. FOX (HESITATES) Huh. Must've escaped from there before I bought it. INT. DINING ROOM. EVENING Ash, Kristofferson, and Kylie sit at the children's table eating dinner. Next to Ash, there is a small, slightly beaten- up statue of a fox with his front legs raised in the air holding a medal above his head. Kylie points at it. KYLIE What's that? ASH This? Nothing. Just some old trophy I won for being an athlete. Fox and Mrs. Fox sit at the adults' table. Fox guzzles down a last sip of wine and says with his mouth full of food: FOX I'm supposed to cover this book party at some animal's nest in a tobacco field down the hill, so me and Kylie are going to hop over there and give it a whirl. Don't wait up. Fox pulls his napkin out of his collar, drops it on the table, and stands up. Mrs. Fox asks cooly: 26. MRS. FOX What's the book? FOX (HESITATES) Some memoir. I'll get him to sign you a copy. Fox kisses Mrs. Fox on the cheek. She looks at him suspiciously. FOX Dinner was -- (doing a little gesture) -- pitch-perfect. EXT. WOODS. NIGHT Fox and Kylie walk among the trees. They are dressed in their prowling outfits. FOX I spotted a couple of broken burglar bars underneath the back door to Bean's secret cider cellar. KYLIE We're breaking into Bean's house? FOX (HESITATES) Cellar. KYLIE Where he lives? FOX (HESITATES) Where he keeps the cider. ASH (BRIGHTLY) Below where he lives. Ash, dressed in his own prowling outfit, is walking with Fox and Kylie. Fox stops short: FOX Where'd you come from? Go back to the tree and do your homework! ASH I want to help you steal some cider. 27. FOX (ANGRILY) We're going to a book party! And keep your mouth shut about any cider, because no one ever said that! Get out of here! ASH But Dad -- FOX But nothing! You're going to get me in a lot of trouble! The three animals stand in silence for a minute. Fox points to his tree. Ash turns and starts back home. Fox shakes his head. FOX Where the cuss does that kid get off? Can you believe that? How'd he get tipped off? You think he's going to tell on us? Fox turns to Kylie. Kylie looks back at him vacantly. FOX Before we go any further, from now on can you give me some kind of signal once in a while just so I know any of this is getting through to you? Pause. Kylie makes a slight motion with his paw. Fox hesitates. FOX Was that it? OK. EXT. BARNYARD. NIGHT Fox and Kylie dart across the yard and around the back of Bean's farmhouse. Kylie whispers as they run: KYLIE One time this wolf -- FOX (IRRITATED) What's with all the wolf talk? Can we give it a rest, for once? Fox climbs onto a garbage pail and pulls open a window shutter. He and Kylie shimmy in-between two bent burglar bars. 28. INT. BEAN'S SECRET CIDER CELLAR. NIGHT A vast, damp, gloomy cellar with hundreds of glass jars stacked from floor to ceiling. Each jar is marked Cider. Fox and Kylie come inside and quietly drop to the brick floor. KYLIE WHISPERS: KYLIE Look at all this apple juice. FOX (STERNLY) Apple juice? Apple juice? We didn't come here for apple juice. This is some of the strongest, finest alcoholic cider money can buy -- or that can even be stolen. It burns in your throat, boils in your stomach, and tastes almost exactly like pure, melted gold. (SUDDENLY) Let's crack open one these 'shine jars and do a shooter. A match strikes in the darkness. Fox and Kylie look around the room frantically. On the highest shelf, peering out from behind a huge jar, they see an enormous rat in a striped shirt with a lit match in his claw. He puts the flame in his mouth to snuff it out and holds the matchstick in his teeth. He is longer than a fox and wiry, but with a small pot-belly. He wears a black beret and moves like a beatnik. He takes a draw from a small rubber tube inserted in the neck of his cider jar. He says with a slightly sinister New ORLEANS ACCENT: RAT Y'all are trespassin', now. Illegally. 'Round these parts, we don't take kindly to cider poachers. Fox and Rat stare at each other. Fox says, finally: FOX You've aged badly, Rat. RAT You're gettin' a little long in the tooth, yourself, partner. Rat spins around and hurls himself scuttling over a shelf, down the wall, and through the air onto the brick floor at Fox's feet. He flicks open a switchblade and brandishes it. He hisses. 29. Kylie shrieks and darts into a hole where a brick is missing in the wall. Fox takes an old-fashioned boxing stance. RAT How's your old lady doin'? Kylie peers out from his hole in the wall nervously. Fox and Rat circle each other slowly. FOX Do you refer to my wife? RAT She was the town tart, in her day. Wild and foot-loose and pretty as a mink stole. She was a creme brulee -- until you made an honest woman out of her, Mr. Fox. Kylie says, intrigued, from his hole: KYLIE Is that true? FOX (ANNOYED) Of course, not. I mean, certainly, she lived. We all did. It was a different time. Let's not use a double-standard. She marched against the -- KYLIE But town tart? FOX Shut up. Rat lunges at Fox with his switchblade. Fox dodges nimbly. He cocks an eyebrow and smiles: FOX That was close, Rat. Be careful. RAT Oh, I'm as careful as a -- A door at the top of the stairs opens suddenly with a loud creak. Rat and Fox look terrified. They both dart away and hide behind cider jars. A heavy-set, middle-aged housekeeper carrying a rolling pin comes down the stairs and walks straight over to the shelf where Fox is hiding. 30. HOUSEKEEPER How many jars should I bring up, ma'am? A strong, almost masculine woman's voice answers from UPSTAIRS: MASCULINE VOICE I don't know. Two, I guess. The housekeeper grabs the two jars directly next to the one Fox is hiding behind and tucks them under her arm. Fox tenses his body. He shivers slightly. A graze of the red fur of his arm sticks out barely from behind his jar. The housekeeper hesitates. HOUSEKEEPER He drank three yesterday, ma'am. MASCULINE VOICE All right, take three. The housekeeper grabs Fox's jar. Fox closes his eyes. MASCULINE VOICE No, don't. The housekeeper stops with her hand on the neck of Fox's jar. MASCULINE VOICE Three's too many. It's unhealthy. He's anorexic. Bring two. The housekeeper lets go of Fox's jar. Fox relaxes slightly. The housekeeper grabs Fox's jar again. Fox tenses up. HOUSEKEEPER But maybe, just in case -- MASCULINE VOICE Two's plenty. The housekeeper lets go of Fox's jar and walks away. She goes back up the stairs and closes the door. Kylie says in the DARKNESS: KYLIE Oh, my cuss. That was like a scene out of A -- The door opens again. An exceptionally tall, powerfully built woman in a black dress and Wellingtons, with grey hair pulled- back in a bun, bright green eyes, and a meat cleaver tucked under her apron strings comes swiftly down the stairs. She 31. eyeballs the corners of the room. She is Mrs. Bean. She says thickly (in her masculine voice): MRS. BEAN To whom it may concern: if I catch a rat in a black beret drinking Mr. Bean's secret cider without his express permission, I intend to chop said rat's head off, brine it, pickle it, and bake it in a vermin casserole. I hope this clarifies my position on the matter. Sincerely, Evelyn Bean. Mrs. Bean turns and goes back up the stairs. She closes the door. Pause. Rat's voice says from the shadows: RAT Dear Mrs. Bean, your language, while somewhat purple, is nevertheless impossible to misinterpret. However -- comma -- given the proximity of said rat at the moment of your -- The door at the top the stairs opens again. Silence. CUT TO: Fox and Kylie running away from Bean's farmhouse with two jars of cider. They both look badly shaken. A gunshot rings out taking us to: EXT. BEAN FARMS. NIGHT Bean is standing darkly in his front doorway. Smoke drifts from the end of his Luger, pointed at the ceiling. A broken light bulb hangs from a wire above his head. Boggis and Bunce sit together on the porch in rocking chairs, startled, staring at Bean. BEAN I'm going to give a speech, and at the end of it -- I'm going to throw a twist into this plot. Bean lights a cigarette and begins to walk slowly around the porch. BEAN First truth: this is the most ambitious fox we've ever encountered, bar none. Bean spins around and shoots out a second light bulb. Boggis and Bunce look uneasy. Bean continues: 32. BEAN Second truth: the meaning of ambition is defined in the dictionary. Bean jumps and rolls and shoots out a third light bulb. BEAN Third truth: the weakness of the ambitious man is his Achilles heel -- Bean quickly shoots out three more light bulbs behind his back, over his shoulder, and between his legs. The porch goes dark. He flicks on a flashlight and points it in his two colleague's faces. They look scared. Bean says urgently: BEAN -- but I've already figured out where this fox lives, and tomorrow night we're going to camp in the bushes, wait for him to come out of the hole in his tree, and shoot the cuss to smithereens. How's that grab you, fellas? Boggis and Bunce hesitate. They nod and murmur their approval. INT. FOX'S TREE. NIGHT Fox and Kylie come quietly into the half-lit kitchen dressed in their prowling outfits. They walk to the door. MRS. FOX Another book party? Fox and Kylie turn around, startled. Mrs. Fox sits on a stool in the darkened pantry. FOX Woah! I didn't see you. Sitting in the dark over there. Yeah, no. Actually, there's a fire. I just got the call. They said maybe it's arson? I got to interview the marshall and see what's -- MRS. FOX Kylie, is he telling the truth? KYLIE (FREAKING OUT) I don't want to be put in the middle of this. 33. FOX (PAUSE) Thanks, Kylie. MRS. FOX If what I think is happening is HAPPENING -- (OMINOUSLY) -- it better not be. CUT TO: Boggis, Bunce, and Bean waiting crouched in the bushes. Bean licks his finger and holds it up to test the direction of the wind. He nods, points to his nose, and gives a thumbs-up to Boggis and Bunce. EXT. FOX'S TREE. NIGHT Fox pokes his head up out of his hole. He sniffs once. He moves an inch forward and stops. He sniffs again. He waits a moment and listens. He steps out of the hole and says STONILY: FOX Nice job covering for me. Next time TRY -- A twig snaps. Fox freezes. CUT TO: Boggis, Bunce, and Bean frozen in the bushes. CUT TO: The branches of the trees as the wind suddenly changes its direction. CUT TO: Fox on high alert. He rapidly sniffs the air three times in a row. He turns to a confused Kylie and says, panicking: FOX All three! Fox and Kylie spin around and dart back into the hole as Boggis, Bunce, and Bean open fire wildly from the bushes. A barrage of bullets and buckshot rips into the tree-bark. Silence. 34. Smoke from the three guns floats upward in the night air. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean approach the tree. Bean shines his flashlight on Fox's hole. In the circle of light on the ground lies the tattered, blood- stained remains of Fox's tail. Bean picks it up and holds it in the air in front of Boggis and Bunce. BEAN We got the tail, but we missed the fox. Pause. Bean takes out his walkie-talkie. BEAN Petey? You and the boys sober up and get out here on the A.S.A.P. Bring eleven shovels, three pick-axes, 500 rounds of ammunition, and a bottle of apple cider. INT. FOX'S TREE. NIGHT Mrs. Fox licks the stump of Fox's tail and mends it with gauze and medical tape. She looks furious. Kylie and the Fox cubs watch, concerned. Ash says uncertainly: ASH It'll grow back, won't it? KYLIE (shaking his head) Tails don't grow back, except for lizards. FOX (MISERABLY) Tails don't grow back. I'm going to be tail-less for the rest of my life. ASH (NERVOUSLY) Well, anyway, it's not half as bad as double-pneumonia, right? (pointing to Kristofferson) His dad's got one foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peel. That's a lot worse than -- Kristofferson hurls an acorn violently onto the floor. It ricochets off a wall and into a teacup. Everyone falls silent. Kristofferson turns away. 35. KRISTOFFERSON Excuse me, everyone. I'm going to go meditate for half an hour. Kristofferson walks out of the room. Mrs. Fox looks at Ash and says angrily: MRS. FOX You've got twenty-nine minutes to come up with a proper apology. Ash crosses his arms in front of his chest and stares straight ahead into space grimly. Fox says suddenly: FOX What's with the crazy outfit? Why a cape and the pants tucked into your socks? Ash does not respond. Fox sighs. Mrs. Fox finishes bandaging his tail. Fox goes over to the wall and stands with his back to the room. FOX I got fired slash quit the Gazette and started stealing chickens on the sly. MRS. FOX (ICILY) That tail was the first thing I ever noticed about you. It was easily the most attractive tail for at least 50 miles in every direction. It was probably your single best quality -- and now it's gone forever. CUT TO: Fox lying in bed staring at the ceiling in the dark next to Mrs. Fox. FOX Why the cuss didn't I listen my lawyer? At this point we'll be lucky if we can flip this tree for half of what we've already sunk into it. Fox flips over onto his stomach. FOX I won't be able to sleep on my back for six weeks -- and on my stomach I feel congested. Why the cuss didn't I listen to my lawyer? 36. MRS. FOX (BITTERLY) Because you don't listen to anybody. FOX (sitting up suddenly) What was that? MRS. FOX (PAUSE) What? I said -- There is a quiet scraping sound from above. Fox jumps out of bed. He hollers: FOX Wake up! Everybody! They're digging us out! There is a scrunch and then a loud thump from above. Mrs. Fox looks at Fox intensely: MRS. FOX They'll kill the children! FOX (STEELY) Over my dead body, they will. MRS. FOX (ANGRILY) That's what I'm saying! You'd be dead, too, in that scenario! FOX (ANGRILY) Well, I'm arguing against that! MRS. FOX (SCREAMING) What are you talking about? FOX (SCREAMING) Why are you yelling at me? KYLIE (AGONIZED) Stop! Stop! Stop! Fox and Mrs. Fox turn quickly to Kylie standing in the doorway with a red blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Ash 37. and Kristofferson stand behind him. They look terrified. Kylie shouts in a pained voice: KYLIE You say one thing, she says another, and it all changes back again! The point of a shovel pierces the ceiling. Everyone looks up and stares in shock. Fox suddenly leaps across the room with a wild energy, scrambles halfway up a wall, and throws over two chairs. FOX I've got it! There's not a moment to lose! Why didn't I think of this before? MRS. FOX Think of what? FOX Think of the one thing a fox does quicker than a man, quicker than any other animal in the world! (at the top of his lungs) DIG!!! CUT TO: Everyone digging furiously. Dirt flies everywhere. The shot booms down into the ground, among the roots of the tree, through buried pebbles, layers of soil, and subterranean mineral deposits. TITLE: 1 HOUR LATER The shot stops at the bottom of a dark hole deep, deep underground. Mrs. Fox lies on the floor, breathing heavily, with a lit lantern at her side. The cubs are sprawled out around her. Kylie leans in the corner with his shirt off tied around his waist. Fox stands up and clears his throat. Everyone looks at him. FOX I think it's time for me to give us a pep talk and explain some things. (commencing a speech) A very long time ago -- MRS. FOX May I have a word with you privately? 38. FOX (HESITATES) Well, we're in a hole. Where -- MRS. FOX Just on the other side of this mineral deposit. Follow me. Fox reluctantly follows Mrs. Fox through a crack in the bedrock and into a small air-pocket with glittering quartz walls. She wheels on Fox: MRS. FOX I'm going to lose my temper now. FOX (PAUSE) When? MRS. FOX Right now. FOX (PAUSE) Well, when -- Mrs. Fox scratches Fox across the face, slicing a quick sliver into his fur. Fox cringes away with his paws up protectively. He lowers his paws. His eyes fill with tears. (NOTE: the scar in Fox's fur never grows back.) Mrs. Fox takes a deep breath. She says: MRS. FOX Twelve fox-years ago, you made a promise to me while we were caged inside that fox- trap that, if we survived, you would never steal another chicken, goose, turkey, duck, or squab, whatever they are. I believed you. Why did you lie to me? FOX (SIMPLY) Because I'm a wild animal. MRS. FOX You're also a husband and a father. 39. FOX (PAINED) I'm trying to tell you the truth about myself. MRS. FOX I don't care about the truth about yourself. Fox looks down at the ground. He nods and tries to contain his emotions. Mrs. Fox watches him coldly. MRS. FOX This story is too predictable. FOX (SURPRISED) Predictable? Really? What happens in the end? MRS. FOX (QUIETLY) In the end, we all die -- unless you change. Mrs. Fox walks out of the air-pocket. Fox stands alone in silence. EXT. FOX'S TREE. DAY The next morning. There is a large hole in the side of the hill, under Fox's tree. The ceiling to the living room has been completely removed. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean stand half- underground with their heads sticking out of the hole, breathing hard, with dirty shovels over their shoulders. Bunce stands on Fox's tiny club chair. BUNCE These foxes dig like a bunch of hyperactive gophers. BOGGIS Franklin? You got another twist for this plot? BEAN Say that again? BOGGIS I say you got another -- Bean whips out his walkie-talkie and twirls it like a six- shooter. He presses a button on it and says: 40. BEAN Petey? Get me the current contact info for Earl Malloy on the A.S.A.P. BUNCE (INTRIGUED) Who's Earl Malloy? BEAN (INNOCENTLY) What? You mean over at Malloy Consolidated? Oh, he does rentals. BOGGIS (PAUSE) What does he rent? CUT TO: Three yellow and black, murderous, brutal bulldozer digging- tractors with Malloy Consolidated painted on the sides of them. They make a terrible, high-pitched growling noise and spit black grease and smoke. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean stand among the tractors nodding giddily to each other. They scramble into the drivers' seats and begin ripping into the hillside. Bunce sits on a dictionary to see over the dashboard. CUT TO: Fox, Mrs. Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson digging frantically. CUT TO: The tractors grabbing huge chunks of earth and tossing them into the meadow. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean, drunk with digging, laugh manically as the controls of their tractors. BEAN Let's kick some fox cuss! BUNCE I'm cussing loving this! BOGGIS Who's hyper-cussing-active now? Bean throws his tractor into top gear. The teeth of the giant shovels clank against each other, ripping through the tree's roots. 41. INSERT: A temperature gauge with its needle pushing the limits of the red. CUT TO: A grizzled, white-haired man in a greasy yellow and black jumpsuit and coke-bottle protective eyeglasses. A patch on his pocket says E. Malloy. He watches the farmers digging crazily with the tractors. Sparks from the mayhem reflect dancing on his lenses. EARL MALLOY These machines weren't made to be handled like this. DISSOLVE TO: The hill with half its earth dug out from under the tree. The tree still stands precariously above the wild tractors. DISSOLVE TO: The hill now razed with the fallen, old beech tree laying on its side as the tractors dig deeper. DISSOLVE TO: The tractors almost completely below ground in a deep crater. A crowd of neighbors and local press from the town has gathered and watches as the tractors stop digging and rumble up out of the crater. The motors go quiet. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean climb down from their tractors. They look angry and tired. They stand among the workers and onlookers. A television reporter with an Action 13 camera crew confronts BEAN: REPORTER Farmer, correct me if I'm misreading the data, you've successfully destroyed the scenery, but the alleged fox remains at large. What will you three prominent farmers do now? BEAN Well, Dan, I can tell you what we're not going to do. We're not going to let him go. 42. REPORTER Are you concerned about the possibility OF -- BEAN I have no further dialogue in this scene. Bean turns away from the reporter and pulls Boggis and Bunce aside. He addresses them with calm intensity: BEAN I'm not going home until we smoke this son-of-a-cuss out his hole, string him up on a clothesline, and fly him like a kite. Boggis, how many men have you got working on your farm? BOGGIS Thirty-five. BEAN Bunce? BUNCE Thirty-six. BEAN And I've got thirty-seven. That's 108 men altogether. Now what do I got here? Two quitters -- or are you staying with? CUT TO: That night. A helicopter with a Bean, inc. decal on the side of it circles the crater scanning the dark terrain with a searchlight. There are tents, trucks, and 108 men gathered around the perimeter. They sit on bricks and logs and are armed with bats, pistols, rifles, shotguns, bows and arrows, and hatchets. INT. HOLE. NIGHT Fox, his family, and Kylie lie exhausted on the floor of their deep hole. The walls are covered with knotted roots and vines. Fox says to Kylie: FOX One of those slovenly farmers is probably wearing my tail as a necktie by now. 43. KYLIE You're paranoid, Foxy. CUT TO: Mrs. Bean sitting in her kitchen watching television next to an extremely skinny, freckled twelve year-old boy. The boy points at the screen and laughs to himself: FRECKLED BOY Look at Dad's tie. INSERT: The television set. Bean is on-screen with the Action 13 reporter. He wears a fox-fur necktie. EXT. CAMP. NIGHT There is a full moon. Lanterns glow in the farmers' tents. A group of farmhands sit around a campfire next to the crater. One of them cooks a chicken on a spit. Another sits on a log playing a banjo. He is Petey. He sings: PETEY 'Bout a handsome little fox Let me sing you folks a yarn. Hey, diddle-dee, doddle-do, doodle-dum! 'Twas a splendid little feller Full of wit 'n' grace 'n' charm. Say, zippy-zee, yappy-yo, google-gum! The shot moves past the leathery faces of the other farmhands as they listen: amused, moved, hungry, tired, charmed, annoyed, whistling, playing a jew's harp, trying to sing along but not really knowing the words, etc. PETEY Like any little critter needin' Vittels for his littl'uns, Well, he stole, and he cheated, And he lied to survive. Doodle-dum, diddle-die, doddle-diddle- doodle-dee! Zippy-zo, zippy-zay, zippy-zappy- zoopy-zee! (this verse is spoken:) Let me take a little tick now To color in the scene: 'Cross the valley lived three yokels Name of Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. (MORE) 44. PETEY (CONT'D) (back to singing:) Now these three crazy jackies had our hero on the run. Shot the tail off the cuss With a fox-shootin' gun. But that stylish little fox Was as clever as a whip. Dug as quick as a gopher Who was a hyper-ack-a-tive. Now those three farmers sit 'Twhere there's a hole 'twas once a hill. Hey, diddle-dee, doddle-do, doodle-dum! And as far as I can reckon They're a-settin' up there still. (SLOWLY) Way, zippy-zee, yappy-yo, google -- BEAN (INTERRUPTING) What are you singing, Petey? Petey stops short. Everyone turns quickly and sees Bean standing over them in the darkness with his Luger in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Petey looks nervous. PETEY I don't know. I was just kind of making it up as I was going along... Petey trails off. Bean shakes his head. He looks highly irritated. BEAN That's just weak song-writing! You wrote a bad song, Petey! Bean throws his cigarette into the campfire. He storms away. Petey turns to the other farmhands. Everyone looks uncomfortable. TITLE: 3 DAYS LATER (18 Fox-Days) CUT TO: Morning in the farmers' camp. The cook flips an egg on a skillet. He puts it on a plate with bacon and hands it to Petey. Petey asks him: 45. PETEY How long can a fox go without food or water? CUT TO: The exhausted foxes and Kylie underground. Kylie says QUIETLY: KYLIE Well, I can only answer as an opossum, but I don't think I can last more than another couple of hours before I get completely dehydrated and starve to death. ASH What's that? Ash points. Everyone looks. A tiny hole appears in the wall at the end of the tunnel. Dirt crumbles out of it -- and a bit of metal catches a glint. Fox and his family watch, frozen. A breath of air blows into the tunnel. The flame on Mrs. Fox's lantern flickers once and goes out. ASH STARTS: ASH Dad? FOX (WHISPERS SHARPLY) Not a sound! Silence. There is a sudden, loud scrabbling noise. A match strikes. Fox touches it to Mrs. Fox's lantern-wick. The tiny hole in the wall has become a large one. Badger stands in front of Fox with his law partner Beaver, Beaver's overgrown, hulking son, a medium-sized mole, and a grey field mouse with a bandana tied in a "do-rag" style around his head. Badger has a spoon in his hand. Fox and Badger erupt at each other, screaming simultaneously: FOX You scared the cuss out of us! BADGER I told you not to buy at nine and a cussing half! 46. FOX You don't just bang into somebody's cussing tunnel! BADGER Are you cussing yelling at me! FOX You're cussing right I'm cussing yelling! BADGER We're all cussing starving to death because of you, you mangy, cussing, little cuss! Fox and Badger snarl and scratch at each other, circling around the hole. They calm down slightly. Badger continues: BADGER We've been digging in circles for three days. Half the woods've been obliterated. Nobody can get out. Right now my wife's huddled at the bottom of the flint-mine with Mrs. Mole, Mrs. Beaver, Rabbit's ex- girlfriend, no food, no water, and twenty- seven hungry, whining, starving, little animal brats. This is a total cluster- cuss for everybody! Fox looks around the room at the entire gaunt, dirty, emaciated assembly. Everyone stares at him angrily. He swallows. The mole says softly.: MOLE I just want to see a little -- (SUDDENLY CRYING) -- sunshine. FOX (PUZZLED) But you're nocturnal, Phil. Your eyes barely even open, on a good day. MOLE (ENRAGED) I'm sick of your double-talk. We have rights! Beaver's son looms over Ash and Kristofferson in a muddy alcove on the side of the tunnel. He pokes Ash in the chest with the finger of his paw. 47. BEAVER'S SON We don't like you, and we hate your dad. You're too snazzy. You dress like a girl. You're creative. Now grab some of that mud, chew it in your mouth, and swallow it. ASH (scared and disgusted) I'm not going to eat mud! BEAVER'S SON Cuss, yeah, you are. Beaver's son grabs a handful of mud, smashes it into Ash's mouth, and forces his jaws up and down in a chewing motion. Ash coughs and splutters. Kristofferson frowns. He takes off his shoes with his feet. He says with a quiet ferocity: KRISTOFFERSON Don't do that. Beaver's son looks to Kristofferson. He looks down at Kristofferson's feet. BEAVER'S SON Why'd you take your shoes off? KRISTOFFERSON So I don't break your nose when I kick it. Kristofferson kicks Beaver's son in the face, karate chops his neck, elbow-jabs him twice in the gut, and flips the enormous youth over his shoulder and into the mud. Beaver's son gets up, crying, and walks out of the alcove. Ash watches blankly with mud all over his mouth as Kristofferson puts his shoes back on. ASH I can fight my own fights. Badger and Fox stand facing each other at the end of the tunnel. Badger says aggressively: BADGER Those farmers aren't going to quit until they've got you and every member of your family nailed upside-down to a bloody stick with your eyes gorged out. 48. FOX (FREAKED OUT) This is getting a little too personal. Badger waits for Fox to continue. Fox stares into space. FOX Give me a minute. Fox turns and walks away. He faces the wall of the tunnel. He sits down on a rock. Everyone watches him uncertainly. They look at each other. Badger starts to say something, but Kylie cuts him off sharply: KYLIE (SHARPLY) Shh! Badger falls silent. Fox sits with his chin on his paw, lost in concentrated thought. He stands up. He nods repeatedly and begins to pace. His eyes dart from one spot to another. His paws move abruptly around in the air drawing lines and shapes. He freezes and looks straight up at the ceiling of the tunnel. He snaps the fingers of his paw and looks to the others. He says with a cautious excitement: FOX I've got an idea. BADGER (TENTATIVELY) What is it? FOX It could be a good one. BEAVER (POINTEDLY) Lay it on us. FOX It might save our lives. KYLIE (EXASPERATED) Say the idea! Fox looks down at Ash, who stands beside him with mud still on his mouth. He nods. He says suddenly: FOX All right! Let's try it! 49. Fox runs over to Mrs. Fox: FOX Go to the flint-mine. Tell Mrs. Badger, Rabbit's ex-girlfriend, et al. that help is on the way. MRS. FOX (SKEPTICALLY) Is help on the way? Fox grips Mrs. Fox's paw. He looks into her eyes and says INTENSELY: FOX I sure as cuss hope so. Mrs. Fox detects a special, familiar, inspired light in her husband's eyes at this moment. She nods. She hands Ash the lantern. She straightens the neck-line of his cape, licks the mud off Ash's snout, and scrambles away down Badger's tunnel. Ash wants to cry but does not. Fox turns to the others. FOX Gentlemen, this time we must dig in a very special direction. Fox feels the walls with his paws. Everyone watches attentively. FOX I got to kind of feel out the vibe. Fox stops. He points slightly downwards and due south. He says with quiet anticipation: FOX Begin. Everyone starts digging, slowly but intently. CUT TO: The diggers one hundred yards later. Fox suddenly whistles and raises his fist. The diggers stop digging. Fox feels the ceiling with his paws. He knocks something hard. It sounds hollow. He looks at the others with a funny expression and raises an eyebrow. Fox carefully pushes up a floorboard. It creaks loudly. They all duck down and wait. Nothing happens. Fox pushes up a second floorboard. He cautiously pokes his head up through 50. the gap. He lets out a shriek of excitement and whispers excitedly down to the others: FOX I've done it! I've done it, first time! Come up and see where you are, my darlings! Everyone scrambles up out of the tunnel. INT. SHED. NIGHT Everyone stands in the middle of Boggis' Chicken House #1. The room is teeming with chickens, which stare at them nervously. There are black chickens, white chickens, brown chickens, and one that combines all three colors. Fox WHISPERS: FOX I hit it slap in the middle! Do you get how incredible this is? The others nod. They look dazed and wild. Fox holds up his hands and whispers: FOX Don't lose your heads, now. Let's do this properly. First, everyone have a drink of water. Fox leads the others over to the chickens' drinking trough. They all lap up the cool water. Fox dries his mouth. FOX SECOND -- Fox seizes a black chicken violently. CUT TO: Ash and Kristofferson running down the tunnel carrying two dead, black chickens. They turn three corners and arrive at the mossy hollow. They look inside. MONTAGE: Fox and the other diggers tunnel under the silo in front of Bunce Industries. Cows eat grass in the pasture above. Fox and the other diggers comes out of a hole in the floor and dance an ecstatic jig in a great storeroom lined to the ceiling with plucked ducks and geese. Smoked hams and sides of bacon dangle from the rafters. 51. Fox and the other diggers tunnel under the windmill in front of Bean, inc. Sheep eat clover in the field above. Fox and the other diggers comes out of a hole in the floor and dance an ecstatic jig in a corrugated plastic and metal pen among dozens of gobbling turkeys. Fox and the other diggers race dancing ecstatically back through the complex network of tunnels carrying dead turkeys, geese, bacon, flour, salt, sugar, jars of cider, and a portable television set. INT. FLINT-MINE. DAY The flint-mine is a large but cozy space with stone walls, a dirt floor, a small kitchen, and a fireplace. There are rows of cots, sleeping bags, boxes, blankets, and suitcases for all the refugee animals. All the animals have gathered together and drink cider cocktails while small rabbits, skunks, and field mice set the table. The room is festooned with garlands. A well-dressed mole smoking a pipe plays the piano. A bespectacled rabbit leans against it humming a tune. Weasel stands in the corner talking with Beaver. WEASEL What am I going to do? I'm going to hold him to the terms of the contract. It's not my fault they uprooted it. Kristofferson serves cranberry punch from a tureen in the corner. Ash goes over to him and holds out a mug. ASH They say I owe you an apology for some of the mean things I said about your father's illness. His double-pneumonia or whatever they're calling it now. Kristofferson ladles Ash a cupful. KRISTOFFERSON OK. ASH So there it is. I hope we can continue our relationship as cousins or family members or however you want to define IT -- (suddenly more intense) -- but do me a favor for yourself. The next time you have a problem with something I've said, come to me as a fox (MORE) 52. ASH (CONT'D) and let's deal with it right then and not let it blow up into a whole, huge thing involving parents and so on. Agreed? Ash drinks his punch in one long sip and holds out the empty mug for a refill. Kristofferson nods slowly. He points at Ash with his ladle. KRISTOFFERSON I'm going to teach you karate. Badger sits next to the fireplace with Fox and Kylie. BADGER I can imagine how painful, even just emotionally, that must be for you. FOX (UNEASY) Well, you know, it's not the end of the world. BADGER (MORE ANIMATED) Oh, but, Foxy, how humiliating! Having your whole tail blown clean off by a -- FOX (COOLY) Can we drop it? Kristofferson starts to refill Ash's mug again. Ash suddenly puts his paw over the brim. Kristofferson hesitates. Ash raises an eyebrow and says mysterriously: ASH Ever tasted one of Mrs. Bean's famous nutmeg-ginger-apple snaps? EXT. CAMP. DAY A large fire truck drives up to the destroyed hill with firemen hanging off the back and sides. It parks among the tractors and tents. The chief, in a white helmet, goes over to Boggis, Bunce, and Bean waiting at the mouth of the pit. A patch on his sleeve says O.W.F.R.P.F. Farmhands and firemen circle around. CHIEF Who's got me a donation for the old Wounded Fireman's Retirement Pension Fund? Bean pulls a yellow check out of his inside pocket. 53. BEAN Right here. (pointing behind him) Let me show you this hole. INT. FLINT-MINE. DAY Candles glow all around. Everyone is seated at the long dining room table, and a magnificent feast with every variety of fruit, meat, vegetable, and roasted bird has been laid out in front of them. They tear into their meals, eating and drinking ferociously. Crumbs, juices, blood, and bones fly into the air. Jaws snap and chew. There is no conversation. Badger suddenly stands and rings a knife against his cider glass. Everyone looks up, taking a breather from the frenzy of eating. Badger clears his throat. BADGER Well, it took a near-catastrophe for all of you to finally take me up on my offer to have you over to the flint-mine for dinner, but I guess we have -- FOX (INTERRUPTING) I'm sorry. Maybe my invitation got lost in the mail. Does anybody know what this badger's talking about? Everyone laughs. Fox sits at the opposite end of the table with a crooked smile on his face. FOX But Clive's right -- (STANDING UP) -- in all seriousness -- (aside, to Badger) -- excuse me, B. Fox raises his cider glass. Badger reluctantly sits back down. FOX I guess we do have those three ugly, cusshole farmers to thank for one thing: reminding us to be thankful and aware of each other. I'm going to say it again. (GESTURING EXPANSIVELY) Aware. Badger whispers to his wife: 54. BADGER Foxy cuss-blocked my toast, man. CUT TO: The hole where Fox's tree once stood. The dead tree lies on its side. A fireman slides a thick hose deep into the tunnel. He looks behind him and nods. FIREMAN #1 Ready. The shot moves backwards along the hose, past seven more firemen signalling to each other with: a thumbs-up, a snap, a fist in the air, a swirl of the fingers, a peace symbol, an A- OK, and a hook-'em Horns. The shot continues past Boggis, Bunce, and Bean helping to hold the hose in position. Boggis growls. Bunce hisses. Bean snarls. The shot arrives at a pump on the side of the fire truck. The chief points: CHIEF Let her rip. A fireman cranks a huge wrench on a steel nut. A pressure gauge shoots to maximum. The fire truck and hose begin to vibrate loudly. CUT TO: Ash and Kristofferson crouched under a drain-cover pushed just-open next to a refrigerator. They peer out across a bright, clean, white kitchen at a plate of perfect, golden cookies on a counter-top next to an open window with a step- ladder directly in front of it. They look at each other. They look around the quiet, empty room. Ash shrugs. Ash and Kristofferson dart out, leaving the drain-cover propped-up. They race over the linoleum. They climb the step- ladder and stop at the plate. Ash swoons and says RAPTUROUSLY: ASH They're still warm. Ash and Kristofferson gather more cookies than they can possibly carry, eating as they collect them. Crumbs go everywhere. On the other side of the room, the drain-cover falls shut with a loud clank. Ash and Kristofferson look up, wildly startled. All at once they hear in a simultaneous cacophony: the back door bursting open, a boy and two beagles shouting and barking, the pantry door slamming, Mrs. Bean and her 55. middle-aged housekeeper clanging pots and pans and arguing, a timer on the counter-top ringing, and a raven fluttering to the windowsill and cawing. Ash and Kristofferson panic silently. They drop the cookies and fly down the step-ladder. CUT TO: Fox in mid-toast: FOX I've stepped on some toes and alienated a few of you over the past few days -- but is it wrong for me to suggest we might've done worse than having an incredible banquet in a beautiful flint-mine surrounded by our favorite animals? Look at each other. Here we are. Wow. Now I've already had too much to drink, and I'm feeling sentimental, but I'm going to say something, anyway, which nobody wants to admit, but I think is probably true: we beat 'em. We beat those farmers, and now we're triumphantly eating their roasted chicken, their sizzling duck, their succulent turkey, their foie gras de -- (SUDDENLY) Where'd the boys go? Ash? Kristofferson? (to Mrs. Fox) What am I hearing again, baby? What's happening? Am I still paranoid? There is a low, distant rumbling which rapidly builds to a deafening roar. Everyone waits, frozen. A single drop of water drips from the ceiling into Badger's water glass. Fox turns to Badger and says: FOX Let's pause again. A wild deluge smashes into the room flooding the flint-mine and tunnels with a blasting current that sweeps everyone and everything away chaotically. CUT TO: The entire party of well-dressed animals and their plates, furniture, chickens, etc. shooting down the tunnel with the rushing waters. Fox, helpless, holding his breath, looks to the others underwater: Badger shakes his head in disgust; Rabbit makes a fierce grimace; Mole bares his teeth ferociously; Beaver rants angrily with bubbles coming out off his mouth; and Kylie stares ahead vacantly, holding his nose. 56. Fox turns sadly to Mrs. Fox. She looks terrified. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. NIGHT The flood blasts out of a wide pipe rocketing the animals into a murky, brick cavern with drainpipes on all sides and three inches of black water on its floor. Fox picks himself up, dazed and scared, and looks around at his soaked friends and their families. FOX What the cuss just happened? Something with water. That was dangerous. Is anyone hurt? BADGER (FURIOUS ) We're all hurt! My entire flint-mine just got demolished! FOX Let's do a head-count! Everybody pick a buddy! Each animal turns to his neighbor and establishes their buddy relationship. Fox looks wildly agitated as his eyes dart about, searching. He shouts: FOX Where'd the boys go? Ash? Kristofferson? Ash's voice cracks on the other side of the cavern: ASH I'm here. Everyone turns to see Ash standing at the mouth of a smaller pipe. He looks devastated and terrified. Fox points to him. FOX Ash! Who's your buddy? ASH Kristofferson, but I lost him. FOX You lost him? Where were you? ASH We went for cookies. Everyone turns to Fox. Fox yells desperately: 57. FOX Kristofferson! Fox sprints around the cavern, splashing, digging, and ducking in and out of tunnels as the others join his frantic search. His voice sounds pained as he shouts: FOX Kristofferson! Kristofferson! Kristofferson! CUT TO: The three farmers standing next to the fire truck. Bean holds a soaked, half-conscious Kristofferson up in the air by the tail. Kristofferson is quietly crying. BEAN Wrap this wet, little mutt in a newspaper and put him in a box with some holes punched in the top. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. NIGHT Everyone has gathered together. They are all in a state of shock. Fox turns to Mrs. Fox beside him. FOX Your brother's going to kill me, if he survives his double-pneumonia. Beaver runs into the brick cavern out of a drainpipe, SHOUTING: BEAVER There's only one way out of this sewer, but the manhole cover's closed, and there's a station-wagon parked on it -- which means we're permanently stuck down here. BADGER (BITTERLY) You still think we beat 'em, Foxy? Everyone turns to Fox and stares at him coldly. Fox sits down on the floor, in the water. He says quietly: FOX Somebody take over. I'm not in charge anymore. 58. Everyone looks around at each other. They don't know what to do. Mrs. Fox sits down in the water next to Fox. FOX You told me to change, but I can't -- (REALIZING) -- except, possibly, on some level, I think I just did. MRS. FOX (PAUSE) Well, then maybe we're not all going to die. Fox looks to Mrs. Fox. He stands up suddenly. He takes Mrs. Fox's hand. FOX Excuse us, everyone. Fox leads Mrs. Fox over to a ledge near a cement waterfall on the far side of the brick cavern. He puts his arm around her waist. FOX Badger's right. These farmers aren't going to quit until they catch me. I shouldn't have lied to your face. I shouldn't have resigned slash gotten fired from the Gazette. I shouldn't have pushed these farmers so far and tried to embarrass them and cuss with their heads. I enjoyed it, but I shouldn't have done it -- and now there's only one way out. Maybe if I hand myself over and let them kill me, stuff me, and hang me over their MANTELPIECE -- MRS. FOX (ICILY) You'll do no such thing. FOX (QUIETLY) Darling, maybe they'll let everyone else live. Mrs. Fox stares at Fox. She says desolately: MRS. FOX Why'd you have to get us into this, Foxy? 59. FOX I don't know, but I have a possible theory. I think I have this thing where I need everybody to think I'm the greatest -- the quote-unquote fantastic Mr. Fox -- and if they aren't completely knocked- out, dazzled, and kind of intimidated by me, then I don't feel good about myself. Mrs. Fox shakes her head and turns away. Fox continues: FOX Foxes traditionally like to court danger, hunt prey, and outsmart predators -- and that's what I'm actually good at! I think, at the end of the day, I'm just -- MRS. FOX (QUIETLY) We're wild animals. Fox smiles sadly and nods. He shrugs. FOX I guess we always were. I promise you: if I had all this to do over again, I'd have never let you down. It was always more fun when we did it together, anyway. Mrs. Fox has tears all over her face. Fox kisses her. He whispers in her ear: FOX I love you, Felicity. MRS. FOX I love you, too, but I shouldn't have married you. Mrs. Fox turns and walks away. Fox stares after her. He goes over to Ash. FOX Did I ever tell you about the time I learned we were going to have a cub? ASH In the fox-trap. FOX Right. We were at gun-point, and your MOTHER -- 60. ASH -- says she's pregnant. FOX Let me tell it, OK? I had no idea how we were going to get out of this jam, and then it hit me: what do foxes do better than any other animal? ASH Dig. FOX You're stepping on my lines. ASH Keep telling it. FOX So we dug. And the whole time I put paw over paw, scooping dirt and pebbles with your mother digging like crazy beside me, I kept wondering: who is this little boy going to be? ASH Or girl. FOX Or girl, right -- because at that point we didn't know. Fox grabs Ash by his shoulders and looks him in the eye. FOX Ash, I'm so glad he was you. Fox hugs Ash tightly, holds him for an instant, then let's go. He turns to the group. FOX Badger, organize a search party and try to find Kristofferson. Maybe he's alive. I'm sorry, everyone. I wish -- (HESITATES) Well, good-bye. Fox looks across the cavern to Mrs. Fox standing with her back to him. She turns to face him. Her eyes are burning. Fox smiles sadly. He races away down the drain-pipe. Everyone watches him disappear. Badger hesitates. He addresses the GROUP UNCERTAINLY: 61. BADGER I guess we should probably split into a certain number of groups and start doing something, right? INT. CONDUIT. NIGHT Fox sprints full-speed in the darkness. His claws scratch rattling along the iron floor and splash through puddles of shallow water. Fox stops suddenly. He stands up tall on his hind legs. His ears perk up. One pins back. He listens. CUT TO: Badger carrying a lantern leading Ash, Mole, and two small rabbits down a drainpipe. Badger calls out: BADGER Kristofferson? Hello? Can you hear us? Rat's voice echoes in the darkness: RAT Y'all lookin' for somethin'? Nothin' down here but rusty bottle-caps and drainin' water. Everyone stops short. Rat drops into the pipe from an overhead drain ahead of them. He says ominously: RAT They got the boy. BADGER (FROZEN) Who's got him? RAT The farmers three. You know who I'm talkin' about. BADGER (HESITATES) They've kidnapped him? RAT Well-done, Mr. Badger. You're a smart man. They want to trade the son for his poppa. 62. Rat flicks a folded letter through the air. Badger catches it. He opens it. Kylie looks over his shoulder. Badger frowns. BADGER Why'd they write this in letters cut out of magazines? KYLIE To protect their identities. (on second thought) Oh, right, but then why'd they sign their names? Plus, we already knew who they were because they're trying to kill us. INSERT: A ransom note written in letters cut out of magazines and pasted onto a piece of paper. Badger reads out loud: Mr. Fox, we have your son. If you ever want to see him alive again -- Ash calls out: ASH I'm his son. Everyone looks at Ash. He stands behind them in silhouette. Rat says darkly: RAT I can see the resemblance. Pause. In an instant, Rat grabs Ash by the tail, picks him up off the ground, swings him in the air, and flings him away twenty feet down the drainpipe. Badger looks stunned. Ash sits in a puddle in a stupor. Rat races toward him down the tunnel. He leaps into the air with his claws out and his teeth bared. As he is about to seize upon Ash -- he is suddenly jerked backwards and spun around. Rat is face to face with Fox. Fox strikes his old-fashioned boxing stance. He draws back and throws a hard punch, nailing Rat square in the jaw. Rat staggers, stunned. He swings his switchblade, cutting Fox across the chest. Fox touches the wound and looks at the blood on the fingers of his paw. He looks to Rat. Rat holds up his wrist and shows Fox a child's plastic digital watch with miniature footballs, baseballs, and soccer balls on it. He says strangely: 63. RAT I've still got it. FOX (FROWNING) What'd you just say? RAT I said I've still got the watch, Mr. Fox. She never asked for it back. A frozen moment. Fox springs forward and clamps his jaws onto Rat's throat. Rat tumbles over backwards. Fox pins him to the ground with his teeth in Rat's neck. Rat kicks and bucks and struggles, but Fox holds him fast. Rat goes limp. Fox releases him. Everyone slowly gathers around Fox and Rat. Ash kneels next to his father. Fox cradles Rat in his arms. Rat whispers: RAT The boy's locked in an apple crate on top of a gun-locker in the attic of Bean Annex. It's a set-up. FOX (SADLY) Would you have told me if I didn't kill you first? Rat smiles sickly. Blood drips from his mouth. His voice CREAKS: RAT Never. FOX (shaking his head) All these wasted years. What were you looking for, Rat? Fox wipes the blood from Rat's chin. Rat mutters. ASH He's trying to say something, Dad. Fox leans his ear close to Rat's mouth. As quiet as a mouse, RAT WHISPERS: RAT Cider. 64. Fox nods. He looks around the drainpipe. He cups his paw into the pool of murky water and holds it to Rat's lips. FOX Here you are, Rat. A beaker of Bean's finest secret cider. Rat's slivery, scratchity, long, pink tongue laps up a taste of the black liquid. He licks his lips and says faintly: RAT Like melted gold. Rat's eyes turn into X's. He is dead. Ash stands up. ASH He redeemed himself. FOX (SHRUGS) Redemption? Sure. Fox swallows and says hopelessly with tears in his eyes: FOX But, in the end -- he's just another dead rat in a garbage pail behind a Chinese restaurant. Ash puts his hand on Fox's shoulder. Fox lays Rat gently onto the sewer floor. He stands up and turns to the rest of the group. Badger claps his paws together. BADGER Well, I suppose we should -- FOX (INTERRUPTING) Excuse me, again, B. The search party's been cancelled. We're replacing it with a go-for-broke rescue mission. It's a set- up, but maybe we can make it work. You two little rabbits run tell the others. (YELLING) Now, go! The two little rabbits scurry away down the drainpipe. Badger walks with Fox and Ash. BADGER What was he saying about that wristwatch? I didn't get what he was talking about. 65. Fox hesitates. He shrugs and says with a sad nostalgia: FOX Just some old back-story. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. NIGHT The entire community of animals has reconnoitered in the brick cavern. Fox stands on a large spigot and addresses the group. He has a bandage on his chest. FOX In a way, I'm almost glad that flood interrupted us, because I don't like the toast I was giving. I'm going to start over. Fox pantomimes raising a long-stemmed glass. FOX When I look down this table with the exquisite feast set before us, I see: two terrific lawyers, a skilled pediatrician, a wonderful chef, a savvy real-estate agent, an excellent tailor, a crack accountant, a gifted musician, a pretty good minnow fisherman, and possibly the best landscape painter working on the scene today. As Fox describes them, the shot cuts to: Badger and Beaver; Mrs. Badger; Rabbit; Weasel; an especially small, waifish field mouse; Mole; Kylie (who looks slightly offended); and Mrs. Fox, respectively. FOX Maybe a few of you might even read my column from time to time. Who knows? I tend to doubt it. (DRAMATIC PAUSE) I also see a room full of wild animals. Everyone stares at Fox curiously, skeptical but intrigued. Fox points at them: FOX Wild animals with true natures and pure talents. Wild animals with scientific- sounding Latin names that mean something about our D.N.A. Wild animals each with his own strengths and weaknesses due to his or her species, and also -- well, I guess these things usually have a lot to (MORE) 66. FOX (CONT'D) do with the parents, as we all know. Anyway, I think it may very well be all the beautiful differences among us that just might give us the tiniest glimmer of a chance of saving my nephew and letting me make it up to you for getting us into this crazy whatever-it-is. I don't know. It's just a thought. Thank you for listening. Cheers, everyone. Fox motions with his imaginary glass and pantomimes drinking it. A few of the others reluctantly pantomime drinking. Fox finishes his glass and pantomimes throwing it on the floor. He makes a smashing-glass sound. Kylie shouts: KYLIE Let's eat! Everyone turns to Kylie uncertainly. Kylie hesitates. KYLIE What? I'm just playing along with the -- FOX (FORCEFULLY) All right! Let's start planning! Who knows shorthand? Pause. Badger points to his otter secretary. She is Linda. Fox darts over to her and grips her by the arm. FOX Linda! Lutra Lutra! You got some dry paper? Here we go! Fox, highly energized, moves among the group, touching their shoulders and patting their backs. FOX Mole! Talpa Europea! What do you got? MOLE (HESITATES) I can see in the dark? FOX (EXHILARATED) That's incredible! We can use that! Linda? LINDA (TAKING SHORTHAND) Got it. 67. FOX Rabbit! Oryctolagus Cuniculus! RABBIT I'm fast. FOX You bet your cuss you are! Linda? LINDA (TAKING SHORTHAND) Got it. FOX Beaver! Castor Fiber! BEAVER I can chew through wood. FOX Amazing! Linda? LINDA (TAKING SHORTHAND) Got it. FOX Badger! Meles Meles! BADGER Demolitions expert! FOX (CONFUSED) What? Since when? BADGER Explosions, flames, things that burn! FOX Demolitions expert! OK! Linda! LINDA (TAKING SHORTHAND) Got it! Fox's cheeks and forehead are beaded with perspiration. He SCREAMS INSANELY: FOX Weasel! Mustela Nivalis! 68. WEASEL Stop yelling! Fox snaps his fingers, kicks a rock, and throws his arm into the air. FOX All right! Fox points to the various cubs and pups. FOX All you little kids get organized and put together some kind of a K.P. unit or something to keep this sewer clean. It's good for morale. The field mouse shoves his way to the front of the crowd. He makes a fist with his paw. FIELD MOUSE I want to go with you, too! I want to fight! FOX (PAUSE) Good. Fabulous! Microtus Pennsylvanicus! Do you do that, in fact? Are field mice violent? FIELD MOUSE Not particularly, except maybe domestic/ kitchen sink-type stuff, but I have a hunch I might just -- (DEVIL-MAY-CARE) -- land a few good punches before I get stepped on, poisoned, or lured to my death by a little piece of cheese. Who's to say? FOX (smiling with admiration) You're a cuss of a lot bigger than you look, Rickity. Kylie tugs at Fox's sleeve. Fox turns to look at him. Kylie SAYS SHYLY: KYLIE I didn't get a job yet -- or a Latin name. What's my strength? Fox raises an eyebrow. He thinks of something: 69. FOX Listen, you're Kylie. You're an unbelievably nice guy. Your job is really just to... be available, I think. I don't know your Latin name. I doubt they even had opossums in ancient Rome. Kylie puts his hands in his pockets and scowls. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. NIGHT Mrs. Fox puts the finishing touches on a vast mural painted on the longest, tallest wall of the brick cavern. She stands on a ladder. Her sleeves are rolled up, and she is splattered with twelve different colors of paint. She looks down to Fox standing below with an entourage of Kylie, Badger, Linda, and Rickity. The animal children mop and scrub in the background. Ash stands leaning against a push-broom watching his parents. Fox surveys the mural. It is highly detailed, filled with the textures of the landscape, and decorated with images of flowers, leaves, acorns, etc. It is signed Felicity Fox. Fox opens his arms wide and shouts: FOX It's stupendous. Where's us? MRS. FOX (pointing to a spot) Right here. FOX Paint an X. INSERT: The bottom of the map. Mrs. Fox's paw paints a red X and puts a circle around it. The shot zooms out to reveal the entire valley -- no longer a painting on the brick wall. Lighting strikes at the horizon. Dark clouds loom over the three farmers' compounds. It looks exactly like one of Mrs. Fox's paintings of a landscape in a rainstorm. Bean's helicopter circles the area. EXT. HILL. NIGHT A bicycle messenger with a head-lamp rings his bell as he approaches the farmers' camp. He stops in front of Bean and hands him an envelope. Bean tears it open and unfolds the letter inside. INSERT: 70. A note written in letters cut out of magazines and pasted onto a piece of paper. It reads: Dear Farmers Boggis, Bunce, and Bean, I have no alternative but to agree to your terms. Move the station wagon and open the manhole cover below the foot of the drainpipe next to the cobbler's shop and meet me there today at 10 A.M. sharp. I will hand myself over to you in exchange for the boy's safe return. Cordially, Mr. Fox Bean frowns. He studies the letter. He shows it to Boggis and Bunce. BEAN Why'd he write this in letters cut out of magazines? BUNCE (SHRUGS) I don't know, but you did the same thing. BEAN (UNEASY) I don't trust this guy. Anyway, set up the ambush. INT. ATTIC. DAY The top floor of Bean Annex. The room is filled with boxes of Christmas ornaments, old sports equipment, two stained mattresses, and a broken birdcage. Cobwebs hang from the rafters below the sloped roof. Kristofferson stands with his hands in his pockets looking out between the slats from inside a padlocked apple crate on top of a gun locker in the corner. He clears his throat. He calls out politely: KRISTOFFERSON Could I have a cup of water, please? Kristofferson waits for a reply, but no one answers. He whistles to himself for a minute. He clears his throat again. He calls out: KRISTOFFERSON Excuse me! Excuse me? 71. Silence. INT. DRAINPIPE. DAY A cement conduit with an iron grating above it. A fast stream of sewer water runs along its side. Fox walks briskly down the pipe followed by his entourage and Ash. Their steps echo loudly. FOX Synchronize your clocks. The time is NOW -- Fox looks at his wrist. He is wearing Rat's plastic, digital, sports-themed wristwatch. FOX -- nine forty-five A.M. Everyone checks their watches. Badger points at Fox's wrist. BADGER Is that Rat's watch? FOX (VAGUELY) No. Originally, no. (PAUSE) Well, OK, here's the back-story: when I was a teenager I spent a summer working as a bar-back at a jazz pub called Django's where Rat played horn down near -- can I tell this another time? We should stay focused on what's happening right now. Ash comes up to Fox's side and says discreetly: ASH I should probably ride with you and Kylie since it's my fault Kristofferson got captured stealing those nutmeg-ginger- apple snaps. FOX (PUZZLED) I didn't understand a word of that sentence, but none of it matters, anyway, because it's too dangerous for you to come with us. 72. EXT. STREET. DAY An old craftsman looks out from the window of Ferguson Cobblers as he taps little nails into the heel of a loafer. A station-wagon with wood-grain side-panels and a flat tire sits parked on a manhole cover in front of the shop. Boggis, Bunce, and five armed farmhands watch as Bean monkeys with a slim-jim until he gets the car door jimmied. Bean hops inside. He starts the engine, puts his arm over the top of the seat as he looks back out the rear window, and throws the station-wagon into reverse. The farmers clear out of the way as Bean backs up off the manhole cover. Boggis and Bunce stick tools into the manhole cover and lift it open. INSERT: Rat's watch. It is now 10 A.M. CUT TO: Six armed farmhands on the roof of the Nag's Head Tavern. CUT TO: Seven armed farmhands in the bushes behind Sweetings Bakery. CUT TO: Eight armed farmers in the window of Harrison Travel. CUT TO: The Action 13 reporter and camera crew in an alley next to St. John's Coin-op Laundry. EXT. STREET. DAY Boggis, Bunce, and Bean crouch behind the open doors of a pick-up truck with three beagles. Boggis checks his carbine. Bunce loads his shotgun. Bean cocks his Luger. Fox's voice hollers from deep inside the manhole: FOX (O.S.) Did you bring the boy? BEAN Of course, we did! Say something, kid! Bunce presses play on a tape recorder. Kristofferson's voice comes over a loudspeaker: 73. KRISTOFFERSON'S VOICE Excuse me! Excuse me? Bunce presses stop. CUT TO: Fox and his entourage at the bottom off the manhole. Fox scoffs. He smiles and shakes his head. FOX Come on! That doesn't sound anything like him! It's amateur night in Dixie! Badger rapidly slaps two pieces of flint together. A bit chips off, and sparks fly from the break. He blows on some kindling. He takes a pinecone out of a basket. EXT. STREET. DAY A ribbon of white smoke rises out of the manhole. The three farmers watch curiously as it thickens and turns black. Bean frowns. BEAN What the cuss is he burning? A blazing pinecone shoots out of the manhole and flies through the air, over the farmers' heads. It lands in a trash can and lights some rubbish on fire. A man with a dart in one hand and a mug of ale in the other comes out of the Nag's Head and pours his beer into the trash can. The fire goes out. The three farmers laugh smugly. Bean shouts: BEAN Is that all you've got, Mr. Fox? Twenty-seven blazing pinecones shoot out of the manhole and hit: a wood-pile on the roof of the Nag's Head, a box of pastry wrappers in the bushes behind Sweetings, a stack of brochures in the window of Harrison Travel, a hay bale in the bed of the pick-up truck, Boggis, Bunce, Bean, and a crate of cam-corder batteries next to the Action 13 camera crew, which explodes. Farmers scatter, grabbing hoses, yelling, and tamping out the flames as the beagles bark, yelp, and scramble in the confusion. Rabbit darts out of the hole and races up the street. Six farmers chase after him, firing their weapons. 74. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. DAY Down in the brick cavern, Mole listens to a tin can attached to a string. He says urgently as he makes notations in a LEDGER: MOLE Twenty-eight pinecones fired! Twenty-two targets hit! Mrs. Fox, standing on her ladder, paints black checks quickly on the street in her mural. The stolen, portable television set sits in the corner, tuned into Action 13's coverage of the chaos in the street. CUT TO: Rabbit running full-steam out of the village being pursued by the six farmhands. He hurdles an empty Coke bottle lying on its side in the road. EXT. STREET. DAY Badger jumps out of the manhole and throws more blazing pinecones at farmers, trucks, parked cars, doors, windows, and the Action 13 camera crew. Seven farmhands chase him down a cobblestone lane. Weasel and Beaver climb out with straws in their paws and start firing blueberries toward the disoriented beagles. The beagles eat blueberries. They fall over. Eight farmhands chase Weasel and Beaver up a wooded path. Rickity, the field mouse, bounds out of the hole and leaps into the fracas. He fires a rubber band at Bunce off a paperclip. It snaps Bunce in the corner of his eye. Rickity lets out a little whoop. There is a small explosion and a burst of flames blasts from the manhole. Fox and Kylie jump out and run over to a vehicle with a tarp over it parked in front of Paddington Automotive. Fox whips off the tarp, revealing a miniature motorcycle with a sidecar. CUT TO: Fox driving the motorcycle with Kylie in the sidecar. They both wear helmets and goggles. Thunder rumbles in the distance. Kylie sinks lower in the sidecar. He shouts to Fox over the sound of the motor: KYLIE Are you scared of wolves? 75. FOX Scared, no! I have a phobia of them! KYLIE Well, I have a thing about thunder! FOX (ANNOYED) Why? That's stupid! Ash pokes his head up from the rear compartment of the sidecar. He also wears a helmet and goggles. His white cape flutters behind him. He shouts: ASH I don't like needles! Fox and Kylie look to Ash in disbelief. Fox says furiously: FOX Where'd you come from again? How'd you get in the sidecar? I feel like I'm losing my mind! Fox angrily steers toward a small mound of dirt. They jump it slightly and fly over a little ditch. Ash yelps enthusiastically as Fox drives them back onto the road. INT. HELICOPTER. DAY A pilot with a red moustache and a South African accent flies Bean's chopper. He wears a Bean, inc. patch on his shoulder. He shouts into the microphone connected to his helmet: PILOT I've got a fox on a motorcycle with a littler fox and what looks to be an opossum in the sidecar riding north on farm lane seven. Does that sound like anything to anybody? A military-type voice responds over the radio: MILITARY VOICE (O.S.) Roger that, Red. Let me just, uh -- Oh, I think the boss wants to -- BEAN (0.S.) Red, it's Franklin Bean! Turn around, get the cuss back here, and pick us up on the A.S.A.P! 76. EXT. BEAN'S COMPOUND. DAY The Bean, inc. windmill spins briskly in the dusty winds. Shutters on the farmhouse bang open and shut. Leaves rustle on the branches of the apple trees. A few stray turkeys wander in the yard. A white-washed brick pile six stories tall sits apart from the other structures. The doors to its courtyard are made of iron and painted yellow. This is Bean Annex. The front gates of the farm are open, and a gardener waters vegetables next to the driveway. Fox, Kylie, and Ash look out from a high branch over a reinforced concrete and barbed-wire security barricade. FOX That's the annex over there on the right. Ash nods. Kylie does not respond. FOX The white building over there on the right. Pause. Fox looks to Kylie. FOX Kylie? Kylie turns to Fox and stares at him vacantly. Fox says SHARPLY: FOX Kylie! KYLIE What? (SUDDENLY) I did it! FOX When? I didn't see it! Kylie makes his slight gesture with his paw. The gardener puts three turnips into a basket and rides away on his bicycle. Fox, Kylie, and Ash scramble down the tree trunk. They come out of the bushes on their motorcycle and ride through the gates, across the yard, past the wandering turkeys. They park outside the courtyard doors to Bean Annex and jump off the motorcycle. 77. Fox climbs onto Kylie's shoulders and tries the knobs. They are locked. FOX Kylie, you got a credit card? KYLIE (digging in his pockets) Sure. FOX (IMPRESSED) See, this is what I was saying about how good you are at just being available for WHATEVER -- Kylie hands Fox a World Traveler Titanium Card. Fox frowns. FOX A Titanium Card? How the cuss did you qualify for this? KYLIE (SHRUGS) I pay my bills on time. I've always had good credit. Fox examines the card with mild resentment. He picks the lock and opens the doors. The courtyard has high walls and a gravel floor. On one side, there are ten trash cans, a stack of newspapers, and a compost heap. On the other side, there is an old, rusted, broken-down tractor and a new one. By far the largest, fattest, toughest beagle yet lies sleeping in the middle. White foam froths around its mouth as it breathes heavily. Its collar is hooked to a thick chain. A tag around its neck reads Spitz. Fox, Kylie, and Ash stop in their tracks. The beagle opens his eyes. Fox turns to Kylie. FOX Give me a blueberry. Kylie looks surprised. He shrugs. He shakes his head and gestures, I don't have any. Fox frowns. He throws up his hands in the air. Kylie makes a frustrated face. Fox points at him. Kylie looks away and snorts angrily. Fox looks away and spits at the ground. Ash says quietly: ASH What's that white stuff around his mouth? 78. KYLIE (SQUINTING) I think he eats soap. Fox sees an amber, plastic pharmacy bottle on a shelf above some bags of fertilizer. It's reads: Drug: Phenomoxylcarbobubytol, 10 mg NAME: SPITZ BREED: BEAGLE For: RABIES (chronic) Other: Take with meat, do not operate heavy machinery Fox frowns. He says grimly: FOX That's not soap. KYLIE (HESITATES) Well, then why does he have that bubbly -- FOX He's rabid. With rabies. I've heard about this beagle. The beagle stands up. Fox says carefully: FOX Easy, boy. Fox takes a cautious step toward the beagle. He holds out the back of his paw for the beagle to sniff. He says back over his shoulder to Kylie and Ash: FOX I'm going to try to befriend him. I feel like there's a tenderness in his eyes. Fox takes another step. He makes a soft, kissing noise. The beagle watches him calmly. FOX Yes, I'm right. He's a good boy. A little lonely, maybe, but -- Fox takes another cautious step. FOX -- but terribly sweet. Hello, there, boy. Is your name Spitz? That's German, isn't it? 79. KYLIE (aside, to Ash) I thought he said you never look a beagle in the eye. FOX (COAXINGLY) Why, you're just as sweet as a -- Fox and the beagle lock eyes. The pupils of the beagle's eyes contract then completely disappear, and the whites turn bright red. Fox's eyes open wider than their sockets. The rabid beagle erupts ballistically, attacking like an enraged maniac. His chain rips out of the cement. Fox, Kylie, and Ash shriek and scream, sprinting frantically around the courtyard as the rabid beagle, frothing, roaring, and snapping, tries desperately to kill them. Fox shouts, his voice cracking like a grandmother's: FOX Climb the trellis! In well under a second, Fox, Kylie, and Ash scale the trellis six stories -- Kylie's pants catching on a nail and ripping off on the way up -- and find themselves standing on the roof of Bean Annex. Kylie wears blue Fruit-of-the-Looms with a pattern of stars, moons, and planets on them. They all look down at the rabid beagle, which continues to pitch an insane fit, running in circles after its tail at the bottom of the courtyard. Fox takes in their new surroundings. He says, pleased: FOX So the attic is probably in the area right up around here somewhere, I figure, huh? Kylie and Ash, panting and dripping with sweat, both stare at Fox vacantly. (NOTE: a second set of alternate eyeballs indicating Kylie's vacant look will be used for Ash in this shot.) FOX (IRRITATED) Come on, guys. Stay with me. We did good. That's just some dog. Let's not get traumatized. 80. EXT. ROOF. DAY Bean's helicopter lands on top of the Nag's Head. Fires smolder and farmers continue to chase around after animals in the village streets below. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean, leaning over and holding onto their hats, run to the chopper and climb inside. They take off. CUT TO: The street below. An orange and yellow Citroen van screeches into the melee. Painted yellow letters spell Badoit et Fils, Destruction des Animaux Nuisibles on the side of it with an image of a trapped fox. An old man with a grey moustache and a young man with a black moustache, both dressed in orange-and-yellow-striped uniforms, jump out of the van. They open the side door and start unloading stacks of metal cages. CUT TO: Rabbit still running full-steam down a country lane being pursued by the six farmhands. INT. ATTIC. DAY Kristofferson stands inside the apple crate leaning against the wall with his legs crossed and one arm akimbo with his hand on his hip. There is a clanking sound from above. Kristofferson looks up. A trap door in the ceiling creaks open. Fox, Kylie, and Ash look inside, down at Kristofferson. Kristofferson smiles oddly and says in a surprised, fancy-meeting-you-here voice: KRISTOFFERSON Hi! CUT TO: Fox and Kylie lowering Ash into the room with three different- colored shoelaces tied together and belted around his waist. Ash holds the shoelace and keeps a paw behind his back like a mountaineer. His feet touch down on the shelf. He runs to the apple crate and jiggles the padlock. He hesitates. He says SUDDENLY: ASH Can I get one of those karate lessons real quick? 81. KRISTOFFERSON (LONG PAUSE) OK. Normally, we start with some breathing exercises and such. Stand like this. Kristofferson stands with his paws clasped in front of him. Ash mimics this. CUT TO: A fox-trap hanging from a chain suspended above the alley behind the Nag's Head Tavern. A second one hangs behind Sweetings Bakery. A third one hangs behind Harrison Travel. A fourth one hangs behind St. John's Coin-op Laundry. A fifth one hangs behind Ferguson Cobblers. Rickity curiously examines a little, hanging wire. He mutters TO HIMSELF: RICKITY Is this spring-loaded? CUT TO: Kristofferson continuing Ash's karate lesson: KRISTOFFERSON This next part is mental. Position yourself on the balls of your feet. Kristofferson stands lightly poised with his arms out. Ash mimics this. KRISTOFFERSON Close your eyes. Kristofferson closes his eyes. So does Ash. So do Fox and Kylie. Kristofferson says mystically: KRISTOFFERSON You weigh less than a slice of bread. CUT TO: Each fox-trap in rapid succession as it falls on: Rickity, Badger, Weasel, and Beaver. The two small rabbits watch from a sewer-gutter drain under the street-curb. They panic. They race down a pipe, into a tunnel, and through a conduit. CUT TO: Kristofferson continuing Ash's karate lesson: 82. KRISTOFFERSON Let's review the principle agility techniques: jumping, flipping, landing. CUT TO: Mrs. Fox looking down from her ladder at the three, panting rabbits. She looks stunned. She motions to her mural/map and SAYS: MRS. FOX Show me where they are! CUT TO: The two small rabbits, Mrs. Rabbit, Mrs. Badger, Mole, and Mrs. Fox each furiously digging a new tunnel. KRISTOFFERSON (V.0.) Now for a rudimentary version of the cyclone chop. CUT TO: Kristofferson continuing Ash's karate lesson: KRISTOFFERSON First, you need to get a running start, which, obviously, I can't do in here, then, as you arrive at the destination of the chop -- (DEMONSTRATING) -- lean and thrust into the point of contact, paw remains open and straight, then withdraw instantaneously. Remember, it's the pull-back that matters. The pull- BACK -- (DEMONSTRATING) -- generates the force of the impact. ASH (IMMEDIATELY) Got it. Ash walks ten paces away to the far end of the shelf. Fox and Kylie watch from above. Kylie says excitedly: KYLIE He's going to do it! Fox makes a face that says, I'm not so sure. Ash takes a deep breath. He screams at the top of his lungs as he sprints toward the apple crate: 83. ASH Ki-ya! Ash's toe catches on a loose nail. He somersaults twice through the air and bounces off the side of the apple crate, which falls off the shelf. Kristofferson braces himself. The apple crate hits the floor and shatters into pieces. Kristofferson lies among the wreckage. Ash looks over the side of the shelf. Fox and Kylie watch from above, grimacing. ASH I'm sorry. KRISTOFFERSON (DAZED) That's all right. You were just trying to unlock the apple crate. ASH No, I mean I'm sorry about -- KRISTOFFERSON (picking himself up) Oh, you mean from before. The apology you owed me which you never actually said. ASH Yeah. Kristofferson nods sadly. He takes a deep breath. He nods again. KRISTOFFERSON That's all right, too. Throw me the shoelace, please. Ash smiles. CUT TO: Badger trapped in his cage. He hears something. He looks quickly down the alley. The old, orange van turns the corner and approaches, bumping over potholes. Badger shrinks into the corner of the cage and mutters grimly to himself: BADGER Badoit et fils. 84. A cobblestone beside Badger suddenly drops straight down and disappears into the ground. Badger recoils, scared and confused. Mrs. Fox pokes her head up through the hole. She is beaded with perspiration and breathes heavily. Her fur is wildly dishevelled. She looks to the van driving up the alley. She looks to Badger. She extends her paw to him and says FIERCELY: MRS. FOX Let's go! EXT. YARD. DAY Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson come around the side of the building. They run to their motorcycle, outside the courtyard doors. They freeze. The front gates to the compound are closed and bolted. Bean's helicopter waits on top of the vegetable garden with its rotar-blades whirling. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean stand in front of Bean Annex with their weapons drawn. Fox sees his tail around Bean's collar. His eyes narrow. His jaw sets. He says to himself with growing emotion: FOX Your tractors uprooted my tree. Your posse hunted my family. Your gunmen kidnapped my nephew. Your rat insulted my wife -- and you shot off my tail. (STEELY) I'm not leaving here without that neck- tie. Bean smiles his sickly smile. Fox smiles back defiantly. Kylie looks utterly baffled. Ash says mystically: ASH I weigh less than a slice of bread. FOX (HESITATES) What? ASH I'll be right back. Ash runs. Fox, Kylie, and Kristofferson watch, shocked, as Ash sprints back to the courtyard doors. The three farmers open fire at him. Fox, Kylie, and Kristofferson duck and take cover behind a hay-bale. 85. Ash dodges bullets. He jumps off the balls of his feet with his arms out over a sprinkler-pipe and swings like a gymnast onto a clothesline, then flies through the air doing another of his spectacularly awkward four-armed and three-legged back- flips. He lands on the handle of one of the courtyard doors AND SCREAMS: ASH Ki-ya! Ash cyclone-chops the doorknob. The lock clicks. Ash's eyes light up. Ash drops to the ground. He digs a hole and burrows into the dirt as bullets fly everywhere. He breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth. Fox watches with his jaw hanging open. The courtyard doors smash apart and the rabid beagle tears out into the vegetable garden growling, foaming, and thrashing crazily. The farmers shriek and scream and run around, panicking, with their guns blazing. Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson jump onto their motorcycle. The beagle rips the tail from Bean's neck, shreds it, chews it up, and swallows it. Fox deflates for an instant, then recovers. He looks to Ash on the back of the motorcycle, behind him, with his hands around Fox's waist. He says with the deepest affection and respect: FOX Ash, that was pure, wild animal craziness. You're an athlete. Ash swallows. He beams. He sits up straighter. (NOTE: from this point onwards, an alternate version of Ash will be used which is slightly taller, slightly leaner, and animated slightly more gracefully.) Fox kick-starts the motorcycle and races across the farm. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean scramble onto the roof of a car port with an old, white Mercedes convertible under it. The snarling beagle barks and snaps below them. They watch as: Fox steers the motorcycle toward a broken apple cart at the edge of the property. He guns the motor and yells: FOX Holy swearing cuss!!! 86. Fox races the motorcycle up the apple cart, into the air, and over the concrete barricade. They land in the middle of the road, skidding, and speed off down the hill. CUT TO: Boggis, Bunce, and Bean watching from the roof of the car port. Boggis turns to Bean and says, deadpan, needling him: BOGGIS Franklin? You got any final twist for this plot? BEAN (PAUSE) Yeah! Bean grabs Boggis by the neck and throttles him. Bunce starts throwing punches. Bean holds him back by the forehead. Boggis kicks Bunce in the stomach. They brawl chaotically while the rabid beagle continues to go bananas below them. CUT TO: Each fox-trap with a cobblestone missing underneath it and a hole in the ground. The old man with the grey moustache turns to his son and says with a strong French accent: BADOIT Cuss. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. DAY Mrs. Fox sits anxiously at the bottom of her ladder. Badger, Weasel, Rickity, the two small rabbits, and the others sit, exhausted, in the dark cavern, passing a jar of cider. Mole INTERRUPTS: MOLE Stand by! Everyone looks to Mole. Mole is holding the tin can with the string attached to it to his ear. He nods and says urgently: MOLE I just intercepted a high-frequency radio signal with the can -- (gestures with the tin can) -- and I think they're on their way home! 87. Mrs. Fox jumps up, embraces Mole, and kisses him on the snout. Mole blushes. CUT TO: Rabbit still running full-steam back into the village being pursued by the six farmhands. He comes to the manhole where they started and darts into it. The six farmhands stop at the manhole and look down. They go straight to the Nag's Head, walk inside, and close the door behind them. EXT. ROAD. DAY Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson ride down a country road. Kylie sees something across the meadow. He says warily: KYLIE Don't turn around! FOX What? Fox turns around. A huge, wild, grey wolf with ice-blue eyes stands on a rock fifty feet away from them. Fox slams on the brakes. The motorcycle slides to a halt. FOX Where'd he come from? (LOUDLY) Where'd you come from? What are you doing here? Pause. Fox points toward the wolf: FOX Canis lupus! Fox points to himself: FOX Vulpes Vulpes! The wolf does not answer. Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson watch idling from the motorcycle. FOX I don't think he speaks English or Latin. (LOUDLY) Pensez-vous que 1'hiver sera rude? (ASIDE) I'm asking if he thinks we're in for a hard winter. 88. The wolf shakes his head. Fox nods. FOX He doesn't seem to know. Silence. Fox shouts to the wolf with a strange hitch in his VOICE: FOX I have a phobia of wolves! The wolf does not answer. It breathes heavily with its mouth open. Its teeth are long, sharp, and yellow. Its tongue hangs out, and its eyes are wild. Fox looks back at it with the identical expression for a minute, mesmerized -- then Fox closes his mouth and his eyes soften. Fox raises his paw in the air. The wolf blinks a few times. It raises its paw in the air. It turns away and trots off into the woods. Fox says wistfully: FOX What a beautiful creature. Wish him luck, boys. Fox guns the motor. Gravel spits from under the spinning tires, and they tear off down the road. The shot booms down into the ground, below the grass, through buried pebbles, layers of soil, and subterranean mineral deposits. TITLE: THREE DAYS LATER (2 1/2 Fox Weeks) The shot continues to descend past Badger and his family having dinner in a nicely furnished drain-pipe, past Rabbit and his family watching Magnum, P.I. on the stolen, portable television set in a well-appointed cement tunnel, past Beaver and Mrs. Beaver hosting Mole and Weasel for cocktails in a tasteful sewer-conduit. The shot stops in a small chamber adjacent to the brick cavern. The walls are filled with electrical cables, wires, pipes, and a large, new mural which depicts the Fox's former view of the valley as seen from their tree with a trompe 1'oeil window-frame around it. It is signed Felicity Fox. Ash and Kristofferson sit Indian-style meditating on a braided rug. Mrs. Fox works mixing paints and turpentine at an easel in the corner. There is an armchair with a folded-up copy of the Gazette on its cushion in the center of the room under a glowing lamp. Classical music plays on a radio. 89. Fox swings his head into the room from a tunnel. He says GENTLY: FOX My darlings? Everyone looks to Fox. He signals them to follow him. INT. DRAINPIPE. NIGHT The cement conduit with the iron grating above it. Fox and his family walk briskly down the pipe. A knitted, woolen, artificial tail has been sewn into the seat of Fox's trousers. ASH Where are we going? FOX Nobody knows. ASH We were in the middle of a meditation practice. FOX Watch your step. Fox takes everyone through an opening and starts climbing a metal ladder. He says theatrically: FOX Let's see, now. Where does this lead? MRS. FOX Oh, no, Foxy. It's filthy. FOX Keep a good grip, everyone. ASH This better be worth it. FOX I think I see a little sliver of light. What's this? Is that a door? MRS. FOX You're a terrible actor, Foxy. 90. KRISTOFFERSON Do you smell something? Is that -- (SNIFFS TWICE) -- freon? FOX Shh. I'm going to crack open this trap door and see if something's on the other side. I highly doubt it, though. There's probably just more sewer. Fox clears his throat. Pause. FOX You know, wouldn't it be surprising if -- ASH Open it. Fox pushes open the trap door and crawls out. Everyone follows him. INT. SUPERMARKET. NIGHT Fox and his family stand in the middle of an aisle at the center of a large grocery store. To their left is the refrigerated section of milk, eggs, meat, fish, and cheese. To their right are canned goods, breakfast cereal, laundry detergent, rice, pasta, and condiments. The lights are half- dimmed, and a metal grate is closed over the front windows. There are no people. Fox says casually: FOX Hey, look! There's a whole, enormous, glorious, gigantic supermarket up here! Ash and Kristofferson seem dumbstruck. Fox raises an eyebrow and smiles at Mrs. Fox. She puts her arm around his shoulder. MRS. FOX You really are kind of a quote-unquote fantastic fox. FOX (SHRUGS) I try. I guess now that Kristofferson's dad's already down to single-pneumonia and getting better, he'll be going home soon, huh? MRS. FOX Actually, when he spoke to me from the hospital, he said he was already talking (MORE) 91. MRS. FOX (cont'd) to Weasel about real-estate availabil- ities down in our sewer system. FOX Oh, really? Well, now's the time to buy. Kylie comes around the end of the aisle pushing a miniature shopping cart filled with jars of jelly, jam, olives, pickles, and honey, plus three loaves of bread, Band-Aids, toothpaste, and a carton of strawberry ice cream. He says BRIGHTLY: KYLIE Did I hear my name? FOX (SMILING) Not down here, you didn't. KYLIE (SMILING BLANKLY) Why not? FOX Because we were talking about other things. KYLIE (RESIGNED) Oh, well. Fox looks at Ash, who is studying a twelve-pack of tropical juice punch-boxes. FOX The white cape rather suits him, doesn't it? Actually, I had to do quite a bit of searching myself before I found a look that really flattered me. Remember those horseshoe cuff-links? Fox and Mrs. Fox crack-up laughing. Fox notices something and stops. He stares at Mrs. Fox strangely. She is glowing. She hesitates. She shrugs. MRS. FOX I'm pregnant again. Fox is confused and moved. He holds Mrs. Fox's face in his paws. She smiles. Ash interrupts: ASH Dad? 92. Fox and Mrs. Fox look to Ash. An empty punch-box lies on its side behind him with a straw sticking out of it. There is a huge, purple stain all over the front of his white shirt. ASH Should we dance? Pause. Everyone breaks out giddily dancing an ecstatic jig. Kylie waltzes the cart in circles. Fox spins Mrs. Fox. CUT TO: A wide shot of all sixteen aisles of the supermarket stacked with boxes, cartons, cans, bottles, bags, and jars of every possible variety of food. The family of foxes continues to dance at the distant end of the center aisle. EXT. STREET. DAY Boggis, Bunce, and Bean sit silently in folding metal chairs around the manhole. Boggis's carbine rests across his lap. Bunce's shotgun hangs from a strap over his shoulder. Bean cleans his Luger. Petey sits on a cider box outside the Nag's Head strumming his guitar in the background. The bartender pulls the shutters shut and flips a sign on the door to Closed. Petey starts singing his song as the credits roll. The sun sets. The farmers sit waiting in the dark.
FARGO FARGO a screenplay by Ethan Coen and Joel Coen The following text fades in over black: This is a true story. The events depicted in this film took place in Minnesota in 1987. At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occured. FLARE TO WHITE FADE IN FROM WHITE Slowly the white becomes a barely perceptible image: white particles wave over a white background. A snowfall. A car bursts through the curtain of snow. The car is equipped with a hitch and is towing another car, a brand-new light brown Cutlass Ciera with the pink sales sticker showing in its rear window. As the car roars past, leaving snow swirling in their dirft, the title of the film fades in. FARGO Green highway signs point the way to MOOREHEAD, MINNESOTA/FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA. The roads for the two cities diverge. A sign says WELCOME TO NORTH DAKOTA and another just after says NOW ENTERING FARGO, ND, POP. 44,412. The car pulls into a Rodeway Inn. HOTEL LOBBY A man in his early forties, balding and starting to paunch, goes to the reception desk. The clerk is an older woman. CLERK And how are you today, sir? MAN Real good now. I'm checking in - Mr. Anderson. The man prints "Jerry Lundega" onto a registration card, then hastily crosses out the last name and starts to print "Anderson." As she types into a computer: CLERK Okay, Mr. Anderson, and you're still planning on staying with us just the night, then? ANDERSON You bet. HOTEL ROOM The man turns on the TV, which shows the local evening news. NEWS ANCHOR - whether they will go to summer camp at all. Katie Jensen has more. KATIE It was supposed to be a project funded by the city council; it was supposed to benefit those Fargo-Moorehead children who would otherwise not be able to afford to attend a lakeshore summer camp. But nobody consulted city controller Stu Jacobson... CHAIN RESTAURANT Anderson sits alone at a table finishing dinner. Muzak plays. A middle-aged waitress approaches holding a pot of regular coffee in one hand and decaf in the other. WAITRESS Can I warm that up for ya there? ANDERSON You bet. The man looks at his watch. THROUGH A WINDSHIELD We are pulling into the snowswept parking lot of a one-story brick building. Broken neon at the top of the building identifies it as the Jolly Troll Tavern. A troll, also in neon, holds a champagne glass aloft. INSIDE The bar is downscale even for this town. Country music plays on the jukebox. Two men are seated in a booth at the back. One is short, slight, youngish. The other man is somewhat older, and dour. The table in front of them is littered with empty long-neck beer bottles. The ashtray is full. Anderson approaches. ANDERSON I'm, uh, Jerry Lundegaard - YOUNGER MAN You're Jerry Lundegaard? JERRY Yah, Shep Proudfoot said - YOUNGER MAN Shep said you'd be here at 7:30. What gives, man? JERRY Shep said 8:30. YOUNGER MAN We been sitting here an hour. I've peed three times already. JERRY I'm sure sorry. I - Shep told me 8:30. It was a mix-up, I guess. YOUNGER MAN Ya got the car? JERRY Yah, you bet. It's in the lot there. Brand-new burnt umber Ciera. YOUNGER MAN Yeah, okay. Well, siddown then. I'm Carl Showalter and this is my associate Gaear Grimsrud. JERRY Yah, how ya doin'. So, uh, we all set on this thing, then? YOUNGER MAN Sure, Jerry, we're all set. Why wouldn't we be? JERRY Yah, no, I'm sure you are. Shep vouched for you and all. I got every confidence in you fellas. They stare at him. An awkward beat. JERRY ... So I guess that's it, then. Here's the keys - CARL No, that's not it, Jerry. JERRY Huh? CARL The new vehicle, plus forty thousand dollars. JERRY Yah, but the deal was, the car first, see, then the forty thousand, like as if it was the ransom. I thought Shep told you - CARL Shep didn't tell us much, Jerry. JERRY Well, okay, it's - CARL Except that you were gonna be here at 7:30. JERRY Yah, well, that was a mix-up, then. CARL Yeah, you already said that. JERRY Yah. But it's not a whole pay- in-advance deal. I give you a brand-new vehicle in advance and - CARL I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. JERRY Okay. CARL I'm not gonna sit here and debate. I will say this though: what Shep told us didn't make a whole lot of sense. JERRY Oh, no, it's real sound. It's all worked out. CARL You want your own wife kidnapped? JERRY Yah. Carl Stares. Jerry looks blankly back. CARL ... You - my point is, you pay the ransom - what eighty thousand bucks? - I mean, you give us half the ransom, forty thousand, you keep half. It's like robbing Peter to play Paul, it doesn't make any - JERRY Okay, it's - see, it's not me payin' the ransom. The thing is, my wife, she's wealthy - her dad, he's real well off. Now, I'm in a bit of trouble - CARL What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry? JERRY Well, that's, that's, I'm not go inta, inta - see, I just need money. Now, her dad's real wealthy - CARL So why don't you just ask him for the money? Grimsrud, the dour man who has not yet spoken, now softly puts in with a Swedish-accented voice: GRIMSRUD Or your fucking wife, you know. CARL Or your fucking wife, Jerry. JERRY Well, it's all just part of this - they don't know I need it, see. Okay, so there's that. And even if they did, I wouldn't get it. So there's that on top, then. See, these're personal matters. CARL Personal matters. JERRY Yah. Personal matters that needn't, uh - CARL Okay, Jerry. You're tasking us to perform this mission, but you, you won't, uh, you won't - aw, fuck it, let's take a look at that Ciera. MINNEAPOLIS SUBURBAN HOUSE Jerry enters through the kitchen door, in a parka and a red plaid Elmer Fudd hat. He stamps snow off his feet. He is carrying a bag of groceries which he deposits on the kitchen counter. JERRY Hon? Got the growshries. VOICE Thank you, hon. How's Fargo? JERRY Yah, real good. VOICE Dad's here. DEN Jerry enters, pulling off his plaid cap. JERRY How ya doin', Wade? Wade Gustafson is mid-sixtyish, vigorous, with a full head of gray hair. His eyes remain fixed on the TV. WADE Yah, pretty good. JERRY Whatcha watchin' there? WADE Norstars. JERRY ... Who they playin'? WADE OOOoooh! His reaction synchronizes with a reaction from the crowd. KITCHEN Jerry walks back in, taking off his coat. His wife is putting on an apron. Jerry nods toward the living room. JERRY Is he stayin' for supper, then? WIFE Yah, I think so... Dad, are you stayin' for supper? WADE (off) Yah. DINING ROOM Jerry, his wife, Wade and Scotty, twelve years old, sit eating. SCOTTY May I be excused? JERRY Sure, ya done there? SCOTTY Uh-huh. Goin' out. WIFE Where are you going? SCOTTY Just out. Just McDonald's. JERRY Back at 9:30. SCOTTY Okay. WADE He just ate. And he didn't finish. He's going to McDonald's instead of finishing here? WIFE He sees his friends there. It's okay. WADE It's okay? McDonald's? What do you think they do there? They don't drink milkshakes, I assure you! WIFE It's okay, Dad. JERRY Wade, have ya had a chance to think about, uh, that deal I was talkin' about, those forty acres there on Wayzata? WADE You told me about it. JERRY Yah, you said you'd have a think about it. I understand it's a lot of money - WADE A heck of a lot. What'd you say you were gonna put there? JERRY A lot. It's a limited - WADE I know it's a lot. JERRY I mean a parking lot. WADE Yah, well, seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars is a lot - ha ha ha! JERRY Yah, well, it's a chunk, but - WADE I thought you were gonna show it to Stan Grossman. He passes on this stuff before it gets kicked up to me. JERRY Well, you know Stan'll say no dice. That's why you pay him. I'm asking you here, Wade. This could work out real good for me and Jean and Scotty - WADE Jean and Scotty never have to worry. WHITE A black like curls through the white. Twisting perspective shows that it is an aerial shot of a two-lane highway, bordered by snowfields. The highway carries one moving car. INT. CAR Carl Showalter is driving. Gaear Grimsrud stares blankly out. After a long beat: GRIMSRUD Where is Pancakes Hause? CARL What? GRIMSRUD We stop at Pancakes Hause. CARL What're you, nuts? We had pancakes for breakfast. I gotta go somewhere I can get a shot and a beer - and a steak maybe. Not more fuckin' pancakes. Come on. Grimsrud gives him a sour look. CARL ... Come on, man. Okay, here's an idea. We'll stop outside of Brainerd. I know a place there we can get laid. Wuddya think? GRIMSRUD I'm fuckin' hungry now, you know. CARL Yeah, yeah, Jesus - I'm sayin', we'll stop for pancakes, then we'll get laid. Wuddya think? GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is sitting in his glassed-in salesman's cubicle just off the showroom floor. On the other side of his desk sit an irate customer and his wife. CUSTOMER We sat here right in this room and went over this and over this! JERRY Yah, but that TruCoat - CUSTOMER I sat right here and said I didn't want no TruCoat! JERRY Yah, but I'm sayin', that TruCoat, you don't get it and you get oxidization problems. It'll cost you a heck of lot more'n five hunnert - CUSTOMER You're sittin' here, you're talkin' in circles! You're talkin' like we didn't go over this already! JERRY Yah, but this TruCoat - CUSTOMER We had us a deal here for nine- teen-five. You sat there and darned if you didn't tell me you'd get this car, these options, WITHOUT THE SEALANT, for nine- teen-five! JERRY Okay, I'm not sayin' I didn't - CUSTOMER You called me twenty minutes ago and said you had it! Ready to make delivery, ya says! Come on down and get it! And here ya are and you're wastin' my time and you're wastin' my wife's time and I'm payin' nineteen-five for this vehicle here! JERRY Well, okay, I'll talk to my boss... He rises, and, as he leaves: JERRY ... See, they install that TruCoat at the factory, there's nothin' we can do, but I'll talk to my boss. The couple watch him go to a nearby cubicle. CUSTOMER These guys here - these guys! It's always the same! It's always more! He's a liar! WIFE Please, dear. CUSTOMER We went over this and over this - NEARBY CUBICLE Jerry sits perched on the desk of another salesman who is eating lunch as he watches a hockey game on a small portable TV. JERRY So you're goin' to the Gophers on Sunday? SALESMAN You bet. JERRY You wouldn't have an extra ticket there? SALESMAN They're playin' the Buckeyes! JERRY Yah. SALESMAN Ya kiddin'! JERRY'S CUBICLE Jerry re-enters. JERRY Well, he never done this before, but seein' as it's special circumstances and all, he says I can knock one hunnert off that TruCoat. CUSTOMER One hundred! You lied to me, Mr. Lundegaard. You're a bald-faced liar! Jerry sits staring at his lap. CUSTOMER ... A fucking liar - WIFE Bucky, please! Jerry mumbles into his lap: JERRY One hunnert's the best we can do here. CUSTOMER Oh, for Christ's sake, where's my goddamn checkbook. Let's get this over with. WIDE EXTERIOR: TRUCK STOP There is a restaurant with many big rigs parked nearby, and a motel with an outsize Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox flanking its sign: BLUE OX MOTEL. MOTEL ROOM Carl Showalter and Gaear Grimsrud are in the twin beds having sex with two truck-stop hookers. CARL Oh, Jesus, yeah. HIS HOOKER There ya go, sugar. GRIMSRUD Nnph. HIS HOOKER Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. LATER The couples like in their respective beds, gazing at the offscreen TV. ED MCMAHON - Johnny's guests tonight will be Lee Majors, George Wendt, and Steve Boutsikaros from the San Diego Zoo, so keep that dial - LUNDEGAARD KITCHEN We hear a morning show on television. Jean Lundegaard is making coffee in the kitchen as Scott eats cereal at the table. JEAN I'm talkin' about your potential. SCOTT (absently) Uh-huh. JEAN You're not a C student. SCOTT Uhn. JEAN And yet you're gettin' C grades. It's this disparity there that concerns your dad and me. SCOTT Uh-huh. JEAN You know what a disparity is? SCOTT (testily) Yeah! JEAN Okay. Well, that's why we don't want ya goin' out fer hockey. SCOTT Oh, man! The phone rings. SCOTT ... What's the big deal? It's an hour - JEAN Hold on. She picks up the phone. JEAN ... Hello? PHONE VOICE Yah, hiya, hon. JEAN Oh, hiya, Dad. WADE Jerry around? JEAN Yah, he's still here - I'll catch him for ya. She holds the phone away and calls: JEAN ... Hon? VOICE Yah. JEAN It's Dad. VOICE Yah... Jerry enters in shirtsleeves and tie. JERRY ... Yah, okay... SCOTT Look, Dad, there is no fucking way - JEAN Scott! JERRY Say, let's watch the language - He takes the phone. JERRY How ya doin', Wade? WADE What's goin' on there? JERRY Oh, nothing, Wade. How ya doin' there? WADE Stan Grossman looked at your proposal. Says it's pretty sweet. JERRY No kiddin'? WADE We might be innarested. JERRY No kiddin'! I'd need the cash pretty quick there. In order to close the deal. WADE Come by at 2:30 and we'll talk about it. If your numbers are right, Stan says its pretty sweet. Stan Grossman. JERRY Yah. WADE 2:30. Click. Dial tone. JERRY Yah, okay. GUSTAFSON OLD GARAGE Jerry wanders through the service area where cars are being worked on. He stops by an Indian in blue jeans who is looking at the underside of a car that sits on a hydraulic lift with a cage light hanging off its innards. JERRY Say, Shep, how ya doin' there? SHEP Mm. JERRY Say, ya know those two fellas ya put me in touch with, up there in Fargo? SHEP Put you in touch with Grimsrud. JERRY Well, yah, but he had a buddy there. He, uh - SHEP Well, I don't vouch for him. JERRY Well, that's okay, I just - SHEP I vouch for Grimsrud. Who's his buddy? JERRY Carl somethin'? SHEP Never heard of him. Don't vouch for him. JERRY Well, that's okay, he's a buddy of the guy ya vouched for, so I'm not worryin'. I just, I was wonderin', see, I gotta get in touch with 'em for, I might not need it anymore, sumpn's happenin', see - SHEP Call 'em up. JERRY Yah, well, see, I did that, and I haven't been able to get 'em, so I thought you maybe'd know an alternate number or what have ya. SHEP Nope. Jerry slaps his fist into his open palm and snaps his fingers. JERRY Okay, well, real good, then. CAR Carl is driving. Grimsrud stares out front. After a beat: CARL ... Look at that. Twin Cities. IDS Building, the big glass one. Tallest skyscraper in the Midwest. After the Sears, uh, Chicago... You never been to Minneapolis? GRIMSRUD No. CARL ... Would it kill you to say something? GRIMSRUD I did. CARL "No." First thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a, that's a fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa, daddy, stand back, man. Shit, I'm sittin' here driving, man, doin' all the driving, whole fuckin' way from Brainerd, drivin', tryin' to, you know, tryin' to chat, keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one fucking thing just in the way of conversation. Grimsurd smokes, gazing out the window. CARL ... Well, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man. See how you like it... He drives. CARL ... Total silence... JERRY'S CUBICLE He is on the phone. JERRY Yah, real good. How you doin'? VOICE Pretty good, Mr. Lundegaard. You're damned hard to get on the phone. JERRY Yah, it's pretty darned busy here, but that's the way we like it. VOICE That's for sure. Now, I just need, on these last, these financing documents you sent us, I can't read the serial numbers of the vehicles on here, so I - JERRY But I already got the, it's okay, the loans are in place, I already got the, the what, the - VOICE Yeah, the three hundred and twenty thousand dollars, you got the money last month. JERRY Yah, so we're all set. VOICE Yeah, but the vehicles you were borrowing on, I just can't read the serial numbers on your applicaton. Maybe if you could just read them to me - JERRY But the deal's already done, I already got the money - VOICE Yeah, but we have an audit here, I just have to know that these vehicles you're financing with this money, that they really exist. JERRY Yah, well, they exist all right. VOICE I'm sure they do - ha ha! But I can't read their serial numbers here. So if you could read me - JERRY Well, but see, I don't have 'em in front a me - why don't I just fax you over a copy - VOICE No, fax is no good, that's what I have and I can't read the darn thing - JERRY Yah, okay, I'll have my girl send you over a copy, then. VOICE Okay, because if I can't correlate this note with the specific vehicles, then I gotta call back that money - JERRY Yah, how much money was that? VOICE Three hundred and twenty thousand dollars. See, I gotta correlate that money with the cars it's being lent on. JERRY Yah, no problem, I'll just fax that over to ya, then. VOICE No, no, fax is - JERRY I mean send it over. I'll shoot it right over to ya. VOICE Okay. JERRY Okay, real good, then. CLOSE ON TELEVISION A morning-show host in an apron stands behind a counter on a kitchen set. HOST So I seperate the - how the heck do I get the egg out of the shell without breaking it? Jean Lundegaard is curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee, watching the television. HOSTESS You just prick a little hole in the end and blow! Jean smiles as we hear laughter and applause from the studio audience. She hears something else - a faint scraping sound - and looks up. HOST Okay, here goes nothing. The scraping sound persists. Jean sets down her coffee cup and rises. From the studio audience: AUDIENCE Awoooo! KITCHEN We track toward the back door. A curtain is stretched tight across its window. Jean pulls the curtain back. Bright sunlight amplified by snow floods in. A man in an orange ski mask looks up from the lock. Jean gasps, drops the curtain, rutns and runs into - - a taller man, also in a ski mask, already in the house. We hear the crack of the back-door window being smashed. The tall man - Gaear Grimsrud - grabs Jean's wrist. She screams, staring at her own imprisoned wrist, then wraps her gaping mouth around Grimsrud's gloved thumb and bites down hard. He drops her wrist. As Carl enters, she races up the stairs. GRIMSRUD Unguent. CARL Huh? Grimsurd looks at his thumb. GRIMSRUD I need ... unguent. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM As the two men enter, a door at the far side is slamming shut. A cord snakes in under the door. MASTER BATHROOM Jean, sobbing, frantically pushes at buttons on the princess phone. The phone pops out of her hands, jangles across the tile floor, smashes against the door and then bounces away, its cord ripped free. With a groaning sound, the door shifts in its frame. BEDROOM Grimsrud has a crowbar jammed in between the bathroom door and frame, and is working it. BATHROOM Jean crosses to a high window above the toilet and throws it open. Snow that had drifted against the window sifts lightly in. Jean steps up onto the toilet. The door creaks, moving as one piece in its frame. Jean glances back as she steps up from the toilet seat to the tank. The groaning of the door ends with the wood around its knob splintering and the knob itself falling out onto the floor. The door swings open. Grimsrud and Carl enter. THEIR POV Room empty, window open. Carl strides to the window and hoists himself out. Grimsrud opens the medicine cabinet and delicately taps aside various bottles and tubes, seeking the proper unguent. He finds a salve but after a moment sets it down, noticing something in the mirror. The shower curtain is drawn around the tub. He steps toward it. As he reaches for the curtain, it explodes outward, animated by thrashing limbs. Jean, screaming, tangled in the curtain, rips it off its rings and stumbles out into the bedroom. Grimsrud follows. BEDROOM Jean rushes toward the door, cloaked by the shower curtain but awkwardly trying to push it off. UPSTAIRS LANDING Still thrashing, Jean crashes against the upstairs railing, trips on the curtain and falls, thumping crazily down the stairs. Grimsrud trots down after her. A PLAQUE: WADE GUSTAFSON INCORPORTATED INT. WADE'S OFFICE Wade sits behind his desk; another man rises as Jerry enters. JERRY How ya doin' there, Stan? How are ya, Wade? Stan Grossman shakes his hand. STAN Good to see ya again, Jerry. If these numbers are right, this looks pretty sweet. JERRY Oh, those numbers are all right, bleemee. WADE This is do-able. STAN Congratulations, Jerry. JERRY Yah, thanks, Stan, it's a pretty - WADE What kind of finder's fee were you looking for? JERRY ... Huh? STAN The financials are pretty thorough, so the only thing we don't know is your fee. JERRY ... My fee? Wade, what the heck're you talkin' about? WADE Stan and I're okay. JERRY Yah. WADE We're good to loan in. JERRY Yah. WADE But we never talked about your fee for bringin' it to us. JERRY No, but, Wade, see, I was bringin' you this deal for you to loan me the money to put in. It's my deal here, see? Wade scowls, looks at Stan. STAN Jerry - we thought you were bringin' us an investment. JERRY Yah, right - STAN You're sayin' - what're you sayin'? WADE You're sayin' that we put in all the money and you collect when it pays off? JERRY No, no. I - I'd, I'd - pay you back the principal, and interest - heck, I'd go - one over prime - STAN We're not a bank, Jerry. Wade is angry. WADE What the heck, Jerry, if I wanted bank interest on seven hunnert'n fifty thousand I'd go to Midwest Federal. Talk to Bill Diehl. STAN He's at Norstar. WADE He's at - JERRY No, see, I don't need a finder's fee, I need - finder's fee's, what, ten percent, heck that's not gonna do it for me. I need the principal. STAN Jerry, we're not just going to give you seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. WADE What the heck were you thinkin'? Heck, if I'm only gettin' bank interest, I'd look for complete security. Heck, FDIC. I don't see nothin' like that here. JERRY Yah, but I - okay, I would, I'd guarantee ya your money back. WADE I'm not talkin' about your damn word, Jerry. Geez, what the heck're you?... Well, look, I don't want to cut you out of the loop, but his here's a good deal. I assume, if you're not innarested, you won't mind if we move on it independently. PARKING LOT We are high and wide on the office building's parking lot. Jerry emerges wrapped in a parka, his arms sticking stiffly out at his sides, his breath vaporizing. He goes to his car, opens its front door, pulls out a red plastic scraper and starts methodically scraping off the thin crust of ice that has developed on his windshield. The scrape-scrape-scrape sound carries in the frigid air. Jerry goes into a frenzy, banging the scraper against the windshield and the hood of his car. The tantrum passes. Jerry stands pantin, staring at nothing in particular. Scrape-scrape-scrape - he goes back to work on the windshield. FRONT DOOR A beat, silent but for a key scraping at the lock. The door swings open and Jerry edges in, looking about, holding a sack of groceries. JERRY Hon? He shuts the door. JERRY ... Got the growshries... He has already seen the shower curtain on the floor. He frowns, pokes at it with his foot. JERRY ... Hon? UPSTAIRS BATHROOM Jerry walks in. He sets the groceries down on the toilet tank. He looks at the open window, through which snow still sifts in. He shuts it. He picks up the small tube of uguent that sits on the sink, frowns at it, puts it back in the medicine chest. He looks at the shower curtain rod holding empty rings. FOYER Once again we are looking at the rumpled shower curtain. From another room: JERRY Yah, Wade, I - it's Jerry, I. Then, slightly more agitated. JERRY ... Yah, Wade, it's, I, it's Jerry... Beat. JERRY ... Wade, it's Jerry, I - we gotta talk, Wade, it's terrible... Beat. LIVING ROOM Jerry stands in wide shot, hands on hips, looking down at a telephone. After a motionless beat he picks up the phone and punches in a number. JERRY ... Yah, Wade Gustafson, please. BLACK Hold in black. A slow tilt down from night sky brings the head of a large paper-mache figure into frame. It is a flannel-shirt woodsman carrying a double-edged ax over one shoulder. As we hear the rumble of an approaching car, the continuing tilt and boom down brings us down the woodsman's body to a pedestal. A sweep of headlights illuminates a sign on the pedestal: WELCOME TO BRAINDERD - HOME OF PAUL BUNYAN. The headlights sweep off and a car hums past and on into the background. The two-lane highway is otherwise empty. INT. CAR Carl drives. Grimsrud smokes and gazes out the window. From the back seat we hear whimpering. Grimsrud turns to look. Jean lies bound and curled on the back seat underneath a tarpaulin. GRIMSRUD Shut the fuck up or I'll throw you back in the trunk, you know. CARL Geez. That's more'n I've heard you say all week. Grimsrud stares at him, then turns back to the window. At a loud WHOOP Carl starts and looks back out the rear window. Fifty yards behind a state trooper has turned on his gumballs. Carl eases the car onto the shoulder. CARL Ah, shit, the tags... Grimsrud looks at him. CARL ... It's just the tags. I never put my tags on the car. Don't worry, I'll take care of this. He looks into the back seat as the car bounces and slows on the gravel shoulder. CARL ... Let's keep still back there, lady, or we're gonna have to, ya know, to shoot ya. Grimsrud stares at Carl. CARL ... Hey! I'll take care of this! Both cars have stopped. Carl looks up at the rear-view mirror. The trooper is stopped on the shoulder just behind them, writing in his citation book. Carl watches. We hear the trooper's door open. The trooper walks up the shoulder, one hand resting lightly on top of his holster, his breath steaming in the cold night air. Carl opens his window as the trooper draws up. CARL How can I help you, officer? The trooper scans the inside of the car, taking his time. Grimsrud smokes and gazes calmly out his window. Finally: TROOPER This is a new car, then, sir? CARL It certainly is, officer. Still got that smell! TROOPER You're required to display temporary tags, either in the plate area or taped inside the back window. CARL Certainly - TROOPER Can I see your license and registration please? CARL Certainly. He reaches for his wallet. CARL ... I was gonna tape up the temporary tag, ya know, to be in full compliance, but it, uh, it, uh ... must a slipped my mind... He extends his wallet toward the trooper, a folded fifty- dollar bill protruding from it. CARL ... So maybe the best thing would be to take care of that, right here in Brainerd. TROOPER What's this, sir? CARL That's my license and regis- tration. I wanna be in compliance. He forces a laugh. CARL ... I was just thinking I could take care of it right here. In Brainerd. The policeman thoughtfully pats the fifty into the billfold and hands the billfold back into the car. TROOPER Put that back in your pocket, please. Carl's nervous smile fades. TROOPER ... And step out of the car, please, sir. Grimsrud, smiling thinly, shakes his head. There is a whimpering sound. The policeman hesitates. Another sound. The policeman leans forward into the car, listening. Grimsrud reaches across Carl, grabs the trooper by the hair and slams his head down onto the car door. The policeman grunts, digs awkwardly for footing outside and throws an arm for balance against the outside of the car. With his free hand, Grimsrud pops the glove compartment. He brings a gun out and reaches across Carl and shoots - BANG - into the back of the trooper's head. Jean screams. GRIMSRUD Shut up. He releases the policeman. The policeman's head slides out the window and his body flops back onto the street. Carl looks out at the cop in the road. CARL (softly) Whoa... Whoa, Daddy. Grimsrud takes the trooper's hat off of Carl's lap and sails it out the open window. GRIMSRUD You'll take care of it. Boy, you are smooth smooth, you know. CARL Whoa, Daddy. Jean, for some reason, screams again. Then stops. GRIMSRUD Clear him off the road. CARL Yeah. He gets out. EXT. ROAD Carl leans down to hoist up the body. Headlights appear: an oncoming car. INT. CIERA Grimsrud notices. EXT. ROAD The car approaches, slowing. Carl, with the trooper's body hoisted halfway up, is frozen in the headlights. The car accelerates and roars past and away. We just make out the silhouettes of two occupants in front. INT. CIERA Grimsrud slides into the driver's seat. He squeals into a U- turn, the driver's door slamming shut with his spin. Small red tail lights fishtail up ahead. The pursued car churns up fine snow. Grimsrud takes the cigarette from his mouth and stubs it in his ashtray. We hear the churning of the car wheels and the pinging of snow clods and salt on the car's underside. In the back seat, Jean starts screaming. Grimsrud is not gaining on the tail lights. He fights with the wheel as his car swims on the road face. The red tail lights ahead start to turn. With a distant crunching sound, they disappear. The headlights now show only empty road, starting to turn. Grimsrud frowns and slows. His headlights show the car up ahead off the road, crumpled around a telephone pole, having failed to hold a turn. Grimsrud brakes. Jean slides off the back seat and thumps into the legwell. Grimsrud sweeps his gun off the front seat, throws open his door and gets out. EXT. ROAD The wrecked car's headlights shine off into a snowfield abutting the highway. A young man in a down parka is limping across the snowfield, away from the wrecked car. Grimsrud strides calmly out after the injured boy. He raises his gun and fires. With a poof of feathers, a hole opens up in the boy's back and he pitches into the snow. Grimsrud walks up to the wreck and peers in its half-open door. A young woman is trapped inside the twisted wreckage, injured. Snow swirls in the headlights of the wreck. Grimsrud raises his gun and fires. AN OIL PAINTING A blue-winged teal in flight over a swampy marshland. The room in which it hangs is dark. We hear off-screen snoring. We track off to reveal an easel upon which we see a half- completed oil of a grey mallard. The continuing track reveals a couple in bed, sleeping. The man, fortyish, pajama-clad, is big, and big-bellied. His mouth is agape. He snores. His arms are flung over a woman in her thirties, wearing a nightie, mouth also open, not snoring. We hold for a long beat on their regular breathing and snoring. The phone rings. The woman stirs. WOMAN Oh, geez... She reaches for the phone. WOMAN ... Hi, it's Marge... The man stirs and clears his throat with a long deep rumble. MARGE ... Oh, my. Where?... Yah... Oh, geez... The man sits up, gazes stupidly about. MARGE ... Okay. There in a jif... Real good, then. She hangs up. MARGE ... You can sleep, hon. It's early yet. MAN Gotta go? MARGE Yah. The man swings his legs out. MAN I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE That's okay, hon. I gotta run. MAN Gotta eat a breakfast, Marge. I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE Aw, you can sleep, hon. MAN Ya gotta eat a breakfast... He clears his throat with another deep rumble. MAN ... I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE Aw, Norm. PLATE Leavings of a huge plate of eggs, ham, toast. Wider, we see Marge now wearing a beige police uniform. A patch on one arm says BRAINERD POLICE DEPARTMENT. She wears a heavy belt holding a revolver, walkie-talkie and various other jangling police impedimenta. Norm is in a dressing gown. MARGE Thanks, hon. Time to shove off. NORM Love ya, Margie. As she struggles into a parka: MARGE Love ya, hon. He is exiting back to the bedroom; she exits out the front door. EXT. GUNDERSON HOUSE Dawn. Marge is making her way down the icy front stoop to her prowler. INT. GUNDERSON HOUSE Norm sits back onto the bed, shrugging off his robe. Off- screen we hear the front door open. FRONT DOOR Marge stamps the snow off her shoes. MARGE Hon? NORM (off) Yah? MARGE Prowler needs a jump. HIGHWAY Two police cars and an ambulance sit idling at the side of the road, a pair of men inside each car. The first car's driver door opens and a figure in a parka emerges, holding two styrofoam cups. His partner leans across the seat to close the door after him. The reverse shows Marge approaching from her own squad car. MARGE Hiya, Lou. LOU Margie. Thought you might need a little warm-up. He hands her one of the cups of coffee. MARGE Yah, thanks a bunch. So what's the deal, now? Gary says triple homicide? LOU Yah, looks pretty bad. Two of'm're over here. Marge looks around as they start walking. MARGE Where is everybody? LOU Well - it's cold, Margie. BY THE WRECK Laid out in the early morning light is the wrecked car, a pair of footprints leading out to a man in a bright orange parka face down in the bloodstained snow, and one pair of footsteps leading back to the road. Marge is peering into the car. MARGE Ah, geez. So... Aw, geez. Here's the second one... It's in the head and the ... hand there, I guess that's a defensive wound. Okay. Marge looks up from the car. MARGE ... Where's the state trooper? Lou, up on the shoulder, jerks his thumb. LOU Back there a good piece. In the ditch next to his prowler. Marge looks around at the road. MARGE Okay, so we got a state trooper pulls someone over, we got a shooting, and these folks drive by, and we got a high-speed pursuit, ends here, and this execution-type deal. LOU Yah. MARGE I'd be very surprised if our suspect was from Brainerd. LOU Yah. Marge is studying the ground. MARGE Yah. And I'll tell you what, from his footprints he looks like a big fella - Marge suddenly doubles over, putting her head between her knees down near the snow. LOU Ya see something down there, Chief? MARGE Uh - I just, I think I'm gonna barf. LOU Geez, you okay, Margie? MARGE I'm fine - it's just morning sickness. She gets up, sweeping snow from her knees. MARGE ... Well, that passed. LOU Yah? MARGE Yah. Now I'm hungry again. LOU You had breakfast yet, Margie? MARGE Oh, yah. Norm made some eggs. LOU Yah? Well, what now, d'ya think? MARGE Let's go take a look at that trooper. BY THE STATE TROOPER'S CAR Marge's prowler is parked nearby. Marge is on her hands and knees by a body down in the ditch, again looking at footprints in the snow. She calls up to the road: MARGE There's two of 'em, Lou! LOU Yah? MARGE Yah, this guy's smaller than his buddy. LOU Oh, yah? DOWN IN THE DITCH In the foreground is the head of the state trooper, facing us. Peering at it from behind, still on her hands and knees, is Marge. MARGE For Pete's sake. She gets up, clapping the snow off her hands, and climbs out of the ditch. LOU How's it look, Marge? MARGE Well, he's got his gun on his hip there, and he looks like a nice enough guy. It's a real shame. LOU Yah. MARGE You haven't monkeyed with his car there, have ya? LOU No way. She is looking at the prowler, which still idles on the shoulder. MARGE Somebody shut his lights. I guess the little guy sat in there, waitin' for his buddy t'come back. LOU Yah, woulda been cold out here. MARGE Heck, yah. Ya think, is Dave open yet? LOU You don't think he's mixed up in - MARGE No, no, I just wanna get Norm some night crawlers. INT. PROWLER Marge is driving; Lou sits next to her. MARGE You look in his citation book? LOU Yah... He looks at his notebook. LOU ... Last vehicle he wrote in was a tan Ciera at 2:18 a.m. Under the plate number he put DLR - I figure they stopped him or shot him before he could finish fillin' out the tag number. MARGE Uh-huh. LOU So I got the state lookin' for a Ciera with a tag startin' DLR. They don't got no match yet. MARGE I'm not sure I agree with you a hunnert percent on your policework, there, Lou. LOU Yah? MARGE Yah, I think that vehicle there probly had dealer plates. DLR? LOU Oh... Lou gazes out the window, thinking. LOU ... Geez. MARGE Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685? LOU Yah, that's a good one. MARGE Yah. THE ROAD The police car enters with a whoosh and hums down a straight- ruled empty highway, cutting a landscape of flat and perfect white. EMBERS FAMILY RESTAURANT Jerry, Wade, and Stan Grossman sit in a booth, sipping coffee. Outside the window, snow falls from a gunmetal sky. WADE - All's I know is, ya got a problem, ya call a professional! JERRY No! They said no cops! They were darned clear on that, Wade! They said you call the cops and we - WADE Well, a course they're gonna say that! But where's my protection? They got Jean here! I give these sons a bitches a million dollars, where's my guarantee they're gonna let her go. JERRY Well, they - WADE A million dollars is a lot a damn money! And there they are, they got my daughter! JERRY Yah, but think this thing through here, Wade. Ya give 'em what they want, why wont' they let her go? You gotta listen to me on this one, Wade. WADE Heck, you don't know! You're just whistlin' Dixie here! I'm sayin', the cops, they can advise us on this! I'm sayin' call a professional! JERRY No! No cops! That's final! This is my deal here, Wade! Jean is my wife here! STAN I gotta tell ya, Wade, I'm leanin' to Jerry's viewpoint here. WADE Well - STAN We gotta protect Jean. These - we're not holdin' any cards here, Wade, they got all of 'em. So they call the shots. JERRY You're darned tootin'! WADE Ah, dammit! STAN I'm tellin' ya. WADE Well... Why don't we... He saws a finger under his nose. WADE ... Stan, I'm thinkin' we should offer 'em half a million. JERRY Now come on here, no way, Wade! No way! STAN We're not horse-trading here, Wade, we just gotta bite the bullet on this thing. JERRY Yah! STAN What's the next step here, Jerry? JERRY They're gonna call, give me instructions for a drop. I'm supposed to have the money ready tomorrow. WADE Dammit! THE CASHIER She rings up two dollars forty. CASHIER How was everything today? JERRY Yah, real good now. PARKING LOT Snow continues to fall. Jerry and Stan stand bundled in their parkas and galoshes near a row of beached vehicles. Wade sits behind the wheel of an idling Lincoln, waiting for Stan. STAN Okay. We'll get the money together. Don't worry about it, Jerry. Now, d'you want anyone at home, with you, until they call? JERRY No, I - they don't want - they're just s'posed to be dealin' with me, they were real clear. STAN Yah. Jerry pounds his mittened hands together against the cold. JERRY Ya know, they said no one listenin' in, they'll be watchin', ya know. Maybe it's all bull, but like you said, Stan, they're callin' the shots. STAN Okay. And Scotty, is he gonna be all right? JERRY Yah, geez, Scotty. I'll go talk to him. There is a tap at the horn from Wade, and Stan gets into the Lincoln. STAN We'll call. The Lincoln spits snow as it grinds out of the lot and fishtails out onto the boulevard. SCOTTY'S BEDROOM Scotty lies on the bed, weeping. Jerry enters and perches uncomfortably on the edge of his bed. JERRY ... How ya doin' there, Scotty? SCOTT Dad! What're they doing? Wuddya think they're doin' with Mom? JERRY It's okay, Scotty. They're not gonna want to hurt her any. These men, they just want money, see. SCOTT What if - what if sumpn goes wrong? JERRY No, no, nothin's goin' wrong here. Grandad and I, we're - we're makin' sure this gets handled right. Scott snorfles and sits up. SCOTT Dad, I really think we should call the cops. JERRY No! We can't let anyone know about this thing! We gotta play ball with these guys - you ask Stan Grossman, he'll tell ya the same thing! SCOTT Yeah, but - JERRY We're gonna get Mom back for ya, but we gotta play ball. Ya know, that's the deal. Now if Lorraine calls, or Sylvia, you just say that Mom is in Florida with Pearl and Marty... Scotty starts to weep again. Jerry stares down at his lap. JERRY ... That's the best we can do here. EXT. CABIN It is a lakeside cabin surrounded by white. A brown Ciera with dealer plates is pulling into the drive. Grimsrud climbs out of the passenger seat as Carl climbs out of the driver's. Grimsrud opens the back door and, with an arm on her elbow, helps Jean out. She has her hands tied behind her and a black hood over her head. With a cry, she swings her elbow out of Grimsrud's grasp and lurches away across the front lawn. Grimsrud moves to retrieve her but Carl, grinning, lays a hand on his shoulder. CARL Hold it. They both look out at the front lawn, Grimsrud expressionless, Carl smiling. With muffled cries, the hooded woman lurches across the unbroken snow, staggering this way and that, stumbling on the uneven terrain. She stops, stands still, her hooded head swaying. She lurches out in an arbitrary direction. Going downhill, she reels, staggers, and falls face-first into the snow, weeping. CARL Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Jesus! Grimsrud, still expressionless, breaks away from Carl's restraining hand to retrieve her. BRAINERD POLICE HEADQUARTERS We track behind Marge as she makes her way across the floor, greeting various officers. She holds a small half-full paper sack. Beyond her we see a small glassed-in cublcle. Norm sits at the desk inside with a box lunch spread out in front of him. There is lettering on the cubicle's glass door: BRAINERD PD. CHIEF GUNDERSON. Marge enters and sits behind the desk, detaching her walkie- talkie from her utility belt to accomodate the seat. MARGE Hiya, hon. She slides the paper sack toward him. NORM Brought ya some lunch, Margie. What're those, night crawlers? He looks inside. The bottom of the sack is full of fat, crawling earthworms. MARGE Yah. NORM Thanks, hon. MARGE You bet. Thanks for lunch. What do we got here, Arbie's? NORM Uh-huh. She starts eating. MARGE ... How's the paintin' goin'? NORM Pretty good. Found out the Hautmans are entering a painting this year. MARGE Aw, hon, you're better'n them. NORM They're real good. MARGE They're good, Norm, but you're better'n them. NORM Yah, ya think? He leans over and kisses her. MARGE Ah, ya got Arbie's all o'er me. Lou enters. LOU Hiya, Norm, how's the paintin' goin'? NORM Not too bad. You know. MARGE How we doin' on that vehicle? LOU No motels registered any tan Ciera last night. But the night before, two men checked into the Blue Ox registering a Ciera and leavin' the tag space blank. MARGE Geez, that's a good lead. The Blue Ox, that's that trucker's joint out there on I-35? LOU Yah. Owner was on the desk then, said these two guys had company. MARGE Oh, yah? EXT. STRIPPER CLUB Marge's prowler is parked in an otherwise empty lot. Snow drifts down. INT. STRIPPER CLUB Marge sits talking with two young women at one end of an elevated dance platform. The club, not yet open for business, is deserted. MARGE Where you girls from? HOOKER ONE Chaska. HOOKER TWO LeSeure. But I went to high school in White Bear Lake. MARGE Okay, I want you to tell me what these fellas looked like. HOOKER ONE Well, the little guy, he was kinda funny-looking. MARGE In what way? HOOKER ONE I dunno. Just funny-looking. MARGE Can you be any more specific? HOOKER ONE I couldn't really say. He wasn't circumcised. MARGE Was he funny-looking apart from that? HOOKER ONE Yah. MARGE So you were having sex with the little fella, then? HOOKER ONE Uh-huh. MARGE Is there anything else you can tell me about him? HOOKER ONE No. Like I say, he was funny-looking. More'n most people even. MARGE And what about the other fella? HOOKER TWO He was a little older. Looked like the Marlboro man. MARGE Yah? HOOKER TWO Yah. Maybe I'm sayin' that cause he smoked Marlboros. MARGE Uh-huh. HOOKER TWO A subconscious-type thing. MARGE Yah, that can happen. HOOKER TWO Yah. HOOKER ONE They said they were goin' to the Twin Cities? MARGE Oh, yah? HOOKER TWO Yah. HOOKER ONE Yah. Is that useful to ya? MARGE Oh, you bet, yah. EXT. LAKESIDE CABIN It is now dusk. The brown Ciera with dealer plates still sits in the drive. INT. CABIN We track in on Jean Lundegaard, who sits tied in a chair with the black hood still over her head. As we track in, we hear inarticulate cursing, intermittent banging and loud static. We track in on Gaear Grimsrud, who sits smoking a cigarette and expressionlessly gazing offscreen. We track in on Carl Showalter, who stands over an old black- and-white television. It plays nothing but snow. Carl is banging on it as he mutters: CARL ...days ... be here for days with a - DAMMIT! - a goddamn mute ... nothin' to do ... and the fucking - DAMMIT!... Each "dammit" brings a pound of his fist on the TV. CARL ... TV doesn't even ... plug me in, man... Gimmee a - DAMMIT! - signal... Plug me into the ozone, baby... Plug me into the ozone - FUCK!... With one last bang we cut: BACK TO THE TELEVISION SET In extreme close-up an insect is lugging a worm. TV VOICE-OVER The bark beetle carries the worm to the nest ... where it will feed its young for up to six weeks... A pull back from the screen reveals that we are in Marge's house. Marge and Norm are watching television in bed. From the TV we hear insects chirring. After a long beat, silence except for the TV, Marge murmurs, still looking at the set: MARGE ... Well, I'm turnin' in, Norm. Also looking at the TV: NORM ... Oh, yah? Marge rolls over and Norm continues to watch. We hold. BLACK Hold. A snowflake drops through the black. Another flake. It starts snowing. BRAINERD MAIN STREET The lone traffic light blinks slowly, steadily, red. Snow sifts down. There is no other movement. PAUL BUNYAN We are looking up at the bottom-lit statue. Snow falls. HIGH SHOT OF MARGE'S HOUSE Snow drops away. HIGH SHOT IN MARGE'S BEDROOM The bedroom is dark. Norm is snoring. The phone rings. Marge gropes in the dark. MARGE Hello? VOICE Yah, is this Marge? MARGE Yah? VOICE Margie Olmstead? MARGE ... Well, yah. Who's this? VOICE This is Mike Yanagita. Ya know - Mike Yanagita. Remember me? MARGE ... Mike Yanagita! MIKE Yah! Marge props herself up next to the still-sleeping Norm. MARGE Yah, yah, course I remember. How are ya? What time is it? MIKE Oh, geez. It's quarter to eleven. I hope I dint wake you. MARGE No, that's okay. MIKE Yah, I'm down in the Twin Cities and I was just watching on TV about these shootings up in Brainderd, and I saw you on the news there. MARGE Yah. MIKE I thought, geez, is that Margie Olmstead? I can't believe it! MARGE Yah, that's me. MIKE Well, how the heck are ya? MARGE Okay, ya know. Okay. MIKE Yah? MARGE Yah - how are you doon? MIKE Oh, pretty good. MARGE Heck, it's been such a long time, Mike. It's great to hear from ya. MIKE Yah... Yah, yah. Geeze, Margie! GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is on the sales floor, showing a customer a vehicle. JERRY Yah, ya got yer, this loaded here, this has yer independent, uh, yer slipped differential, uh, yer rack- and-pinion steering, yer alarm and radar, and I can give it to ya with a heck of a sealant, this TruCoat stuff, it'll keep the salt off - CUSTOMER Yah, I don't need no sealant though. JERRY Yah, you don't need that. Now were you thinking of financing here? You oughta be aware a this GMAC plan they have now, it's really super - ANOTHER SALESMAN Jerry, ya got a call here. JERRY Yah, okay. JERRY'S CUBICLE He sits in and picks up his phone. JERRY Jerry Lundegaard. VOICE All right, Jerry, you got this phone to yourself? JERRY Well ... yah. VOICE Know who this is? JERRY Well, yah, I got an idea. How's that Ciera workin' out for ya? VOICE Circumstances have changed, Jerry. JERRY Well, what do ya mean? VOICE Things have changed. Circumstances, Jerry. Beyond the, uh ... acts of God, force majeure... JERRY What the - how's Jean? A beat. CARL ... Who's Jean? JERRY My wife! What the - how's - CARL Oh, Jean's okay. But there's three people up in Brainerd who aren't so okay, I'll tell ya that. JERRY What the heck're you talkin' about? Let's just finish up this deal here - CARL Blood has been shed, Jerry. Jerry sits dumbly. The voice solemnly repeats: CARL ... Blood has been shed. JERRY What the heck d'ya mean? CARL Three people. In Brainerd. JERRY Oh, geez. CARL That's right. And we need more money. JERRY The heck d'ya mean? What a you guys got yourself mixed up in? CARL We need more - JERRY This was s'posed to be a no-rough -stuff-type deal - CARL DON'T EVER INTERRUPT ME, JERRY! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! JERRY Well, I'm sorry, but I just - I - CARL Look. I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. The price is now the whole amount. We want the entire eighty thousand. JERRY Oh, for Chrissakes here - CARL Blood has been shed. We've incurred risks, Jerry. I'm coming into town tomorrow. Have the money ready. JERRY Now we had a deal here! A deal's a deal! CARL IS IT, JERRY? You ask those three pour souls up in Brainerd if a deal's a deal! Go ahead, ask 'em! JERRY ... The heck d'ya mean? CARL I'll see you tomorrow. Click. Jerry slams down the phone, which immediately rings. He angrily snatches it up. JERRY Yah! VOICE Jerome Lundegaard? JERRY Yah! VOICE This is Reilly Deifenbach at GMAC. Sir, I have not yet recieved those vehicle IDs you promised me. JERRY Yah! I ... those are in the mail. VOICE Mr. Lundegaard, that very well may be. I must inform you, however, that absent the reciept of those numbers by tomorrow afternoon, I will have to refer this matter to our legal department. JERRY Yah. VOICE My patience is at an end. JERRY Yah. VOICE Good day, sir. JERRY ... Yah. WIDE ON THE CUBICLE We are looking at Jerry's cubicle from across the showroom. Noise muted by distance, we watch Jerry slam down the reciever, rise to his feet, fling the phone to the floor, raise his desk blotter high over his head with pens and pencils rolling off it and slam it onto his desktop. He stands for a moment, hands on hips, glaring. He stoops and picks up the phone, places it back on the desktop, starts picking up the pens and pencils. TRACK On steam-table bins of food, each identified by a plaque: BEEF STROGANOFF, SWEDISH MEATBALLS, BROILED TORSK, CHICKEN FLORENTINE. A complementary track shows two rays being pushed along a buffet line, piled high with many foods. MARGE AND NORM AT A TABLE They sit next to each other at a long cafateria-style Formica table, silently eating. A hip with a hissing walkie-talkie enters frame. GARY Hiya, Norm. How ya doin', Margie? How's the fricasse? MARGE Pretty darn good, ya want some? GARY No, I gotta - hey, Norm, I thought you were goin' fishin' up at Mile Lacs? NORM Yah, after lunch. He goes back to his food. MARGE Whatcha got there? Gary hands her a flimsy. Marge takes it with one hand and looks, her other hand frozen with a forkful of food. GARY The numbers y'asked for, calls made from the lobby pay phone at the Blue Ox. Two to Minneapolis that night. MARGE Mm. GARY First one's a trucking company, second one's a private residence. A Shep Proudfoot. MARGE Uh-huh... A what? GARY Shep Proudfoot. That's a name. MARGE Uh-huh. GARY Yah. MARGE ... Yah, okay, I think I'll drive down there, then. GARY Oh, yah? Twin Cities? Norm, who has been eating steadily throughout, looks over at Marge with mild interest. He stares for a beat as he finishes chewing, and them swallows and says: NORM ... Oh, yah? KITCHEN OF LUNDEGAARD HOUSE Jerry, Wade, and Stan Grossman sit around the kitchen table. It is night. The scene is harshly toplit by a hanging fixture. On the table are the remains of coffee and a cinammon filbert ring. WADE Dammit! I wanna be a part a this thing! JERRY No, Wade! They were real clear! They said they'd call tomorrow, with instructions, and it's gonna be delivered by me alone! WADE It's my money, I'll deliver it - what do they care? STAN Wade's got a point there. I'll handle the call if you want, Jerry. JERRY No, no. See - they, no, see, they only deal with me. Ya feel this, this nervousness on the phone there, they're very - these guys're dangerous - WADE All the more reason! I don't want you - with all due respect, Jerry - I don't want you mucking this up. JERRY The heck d'ya mean? WADE They want my money, they can deal with me. Otherwise I'm goin' to a professional. He points at a briefcase. WADE ... There's a million dollars here! JERRY No, see - WADE Look, Jerry, you're not sellin' me a damn car. It's my show here. That's that. STAN It's the way we prefer to handle it, Jerry. THE DOWNTOWN RADISSON HOTEL Marge is at the reception desk. MARGE How ya doin'? CLERK Real good. How're you today, ma'am? MARGE Real good. I'm Mrs. Gunderson, I have a reservation. The clerk types into a computer console. CLERK You sure do, Mrs. Gunderson. MARGE Is there a phone down here, ya think? LOBBY CORNER Marge is on a public phone. MARGE ... Detective Sibert? Yah, this is Marge Gunderson from up Brainerd, we spoke - Yah. Well, actually I'm in town here. I had to do a few things in the Twin Cities, so I thought I'd check in with ya about that USIF search on Shep Proudfoot... Oh, yah?... Well, maybe I'll go visit with him if I have the... No, I can find that... Well, thanks a bunch. Say, d'ya happen to know a good place for lunch in the downtown area?... Yah, the Radisson... Oh, yah? Is it reasonable? A GREEN FREEWAY SIGN Through a windshield we see a sign for the MINNEAPOLIS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT. ROOFTOP PARKING LOT The brown Ciera enters and drives lazy S-curves around the few snow-covered cars parked on the roof of the lot. It stops by one car and Carl emerges. He quickly scans the lot, then kneels in the snow at the back of the parked car and starts unscrewing its license plate. EXIT BOOTH Carl pulls up and hands the attendant his ticket. CARL Yeah, I decided not to park here. The attendant frowns uncomprehendingly at the ticket. ATTENDANT ... What do you mean, you decided not to park here? CARL Yeah, I just came in. I decided not to park here. The attendant is still puzzled. ATTENDANT You, uh... I'm sorry, sir, but - CARL I decided not to - I'm, uh, not taking the trip as it turns out. ATTENDANT I'm sorry, sir, we do have to charge you the four dollars. CARL I just pulled in here. I just fucking pulled in here! ATTENDANT Well, see, there's a minimum charge of four dollars. Long-term parking charges by the day. A car behind beeps. Carl glances back, starts digging for money. CARL I guess you think, ya know, you're an authority figure. With that stupid fucking uniform. Huh, buddy? The attendant doesn't say anything. CARL ... King Clip-on Tie here. Big fucking man. He is peeling off one dollar bills. CARL ... You know, these are the limits of your life, man. Ruler of your little fucking gate here. There's your four dollars. You pathetic piece of shit. GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is staring up, mouth agape, at the underside of a car on a hydraulic lift. Bewildered, he looks about, then asks a mechanic passing by, his voice raised over the din of the shop. JERRY Where's Shep? The mechanic points. MECHANIC Talkin' to a cop. Jerry looks. JERRY ... Cop? Marge and Shep face each other at the other end of the floor in a grimy and cluttered glassed-in cubicle. MECHANIC Said she was a policewoman. Marge and Shep silently talk. Jerry stares, swallows. INSIDE THE CUBICLE MARGE - Wednesday night? Shep is shaking his head. SHEP Nope. MARGE Well, you do reside their at 1425 Fremont Terrace? SHEP Yep. MARGE Anyone else residing there? SHEP Nope. MARGE Well, Mr. Proudfoot, this call came in past three in the morning. It's just hard for me to believe you can't remember anyone calling. Shep says nothing. MARGE ... Now, I know you've had some problems, struggling with the narcotics, some other entanglements, currently on parole - SHEP So? MARGE Well, associating with criminals, if you're the one they talked to, that right there would be a violation of your parole and would end with you back in Stillwater. SHEP Uh-huh. MARGE Now, I saw some rough stuff on your priors, but nothing in the nature of a homicide... Shep stares at her. MARGE ... I know you don't want to be an accessory to something like that. SHEP Nope. MARGE So you think you might remember who those folks were who called ya? JERRY'S OFFICE Jerry is worriedly pacing behind his desk. At a noise he looks up. Marge has stuck her head in the door. MARGE Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY Huh? Yah? MARGE I wonder if I could take just a minute of your time here - JERRY What... What is it all about? MARGE Huh? Do you mind if I sit down - I'm carrying quite a load here. Marge plops into the chair opposite him. MARGE ... You're the owner here, Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY Naw, I... Executive Sales Manager. MARGE Well, you can help me. My name's Marge Gunderson - JERRY My father-in-law, he's the owner. MARGE Uh-huh. Well, I'm a police officer from up Brainerd investigating some malfeasance and I was just wondering if you've had any new vehicles stolen off the lot in the past couple of weeks - specifically a tan Cutlass Ciera? Jerry stares at her, his mouth open. MARGE ... Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY ... Brainerd? MARGE Yah. Yah. Home a Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. JERRY ... Babe the Blue Ox? MARGE Yah, ya know we've got the big statue there. So you haven't had any vehicles go missing, then? JERRY No. No, ma'am. MARGE Okey-dokey, thanks a bunch. I'll let you get back to your paperwork, then. As Marge rises, Jerry looks blankly down at the papers on the desk in front of him. JERRY ... Yah, okay. He looks up at Marge's retreating back. He looks back down at the papers. He looks over at the phone. he picks up the phone and dials four digits. JERRY ... Yah, gimmee Shep... The heck d'ya mean?... Well, where'd he go? It's only... No, I don't need a mechanic - oh, geez - I gotta talk to a friend of his, so, uh ... have him, uh ... oh, geez... HOTEL BAR Marge enters. She looks around the bar, a rather characterless, lowlit meeting place for business people. VOICE Marge? It is a bald, paunching man of about Marge's age, rising from a booth halfway back. His features are broad, friendly, Asian-American. MARGE Mike! He approaches somewhat carefully, as if on his second drink. They hug and head back toward the booth. MIKE Geez! You look great! MARGE Yah - easy there - you do too! I'm expecting, ya know. MIKE I see that! That's great! A waitress meets them at the table. MIKE ... What can I get ya? MARGE Just a Diet Coke. Again she glances about. MARGE ... This is a nice place. MIKE Yah, ya know it's the Radisson, so it's pretty good. MARGE You're livin' in Edina, then? MIKE Oh, yah, couple years now. It's actually Eden Prarie - that school district. So Chief Gunderson, then! So ya went and married Norm Son-of- a-Gunderson! MARGE Oh, yah, a long time ago. MIKE Great. What brings ya down - are ya down here on that homicide - if you're allowed, ya know, to discuss that? MARGE Oh, yah, but there's not a heckuva lot to discuss. What about you, Mike? Are you married - you have kids? MIKE Well, yah, I was married. I was married to - You mind if I sit over here? He is sliding out of his side of the booth and easing in next to Marge. MIKE ... I was married to Linda Cooksey - MARGE No, I - Mike - wyncha sit over there, I'd prefer that. MIKE Huh? Oh, okay, I'm sorry. MARGE No, just so I can see ya, ya know. Don't have to turn my neck. MIKE Oh, sure, I unnerstand, I didn't mean to - MARGE No, no, that's fine. MIKE Yah, sorry, so I was married to Linda Cooksey - ya remember Linda? She was a year behind us. MARGE I think I remember Linda, yah. She was - yah. So things didn't work out, huh? MIKE And then I, and then I been workin' for Honeywell for a few years now. MARGE Well, they're a good outfit. MIKE Yah, if you're an engineer, yah, you could do a lot worse. Of course, it's not, uh, it's nothin' like your achievement. MARGE It sounds like you're doin' really super. MIKE Yah, well, I, uh ... it's not that it didn't work out - Linda passed away. She, uh... MARGE I'm sorry. MIKE Yah, I, uh... She had leukemia, you know... MARGE No, I didn't... MIKE It was a tough, uh ... it was a long - She fought real hard, Marge... MARGE I'm sorry, Mike. MIKE Oh, ya know, that's, uh - what can I say?... He holds up his drink. MIKE ... Better times, huh? Marge clinks it. MARGE Better times. MIKE I was so... I been so ... and then I saw you on TV, and I remembered, ya know... I always liked you... MARGE Well, I always liked you, Mike. MIKE I always liked ya so much... MARGE It's okay, Mike - Should we get together another time, ya think? MIKE No - I'm sorry! It's just - I been so lonely - then I saw you, and... He is weeping. MIKE ... I'm sorry... I shouldn't a done this... I thought we'd have a really terrific time, and now I've... MARGE It's okay... MIKE You were such a super lady ... and then I... I been so lonely... MARGE It's okay, Mike... CARLTON CELEBRITY ROOM Carl Showalter is sitting at a small table with a tarty- looking blonde in a low-cut gown. Each holds a drink. CARL Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha ha! A little of the old in-and-out! WOMAN Wuddya do? Carl looks around. CARL Have ya been to the Celebrity Room before? With other, uh, clients? WOMAN I don't think so. It's nice. CARL Yeah, well, it depends on the artist. You know, Jose Feliciano, ya got no complaints. Waiter! The reverse shows a disappearing waiter and the backs of many, many people sitting at tables between us and the very distant stage. Jose Feliciano, very small, performs on a spotlit stool. The acoustics are poor. Carl grimaces. CARL ... What is he, deaf?... So, uh, how long have you been with the escort service? WOMAN I don't know. Few munce. CARL Ya find the work interesting, do ya? WOMAN ... What're you talking about? A DIRTY BEDROOM Carl is humping the escort. We hear the door burst open. The escort is grabbed and flung out of bed. CARL Shep! What the hell are you doing? I'm banging that girl! Shep! Jesus Ch - Shep slaps him hard, forehand, backhand. SHEP Fuck out of my house! He hauls him up - CARL Shep! Don't you dare fucking hit me, man! Don't you - - punches him and flings him away. Carl hits a sofa and we see his bare legs disappear as he flips back over it. Shep enters frame to circle the sofa and kick at Carl behind it. SHEP Fuck outta here. Put me back in Stillwater. Little fucking shit. There is a knock at the door. VOICE Hey! Come on in there! Shep strides to the door, flings it open. A man in boxer shorts stands in the doorway. MAN C'mon, brother, it's late - Unghh! Shep hits him twice, then grabs both of his ears and starts banging his head against the wall. The hooker runs by, clutching her clothes, and Shep kicks her in the ass as she passes. He spins and goes back into the apartment. Carl is hopping desperately into his pants. CARL Stay away from me, man! Hey! Smoke a fuckin' peace pipe, man! Don't you dare fuckin' - Unghh! After hitting him several times, Shep yanks Carl's belt out of his dangling pants and strangles him with it. Carl gurgles. Shep knees Carl repeatedly, then dumps him onto the floor and starts whipping him with the buckle end of the belt. CHAIN RESTAURANT PHONE BOOTH Carl listens to the phone ring at the other end. His face is deeply bruised and cut. Finally, through the phone... VOICE ... Yah? CARL All right, Jerry, I'm through fucking around. You got the fucking money? JERRY'S KITCHEN Jerry is at the kitchen phone. Through the door to the dining room we see Wade picking up an extension. JERRY Yah, I got the money, but, uh - CARL Don't you fucking but me, Jerry. I want you with this money on the Dayton-Radisson parking ramp, top level, thirty minutes, and we'll wrap this up. JERRY Yah, okay, but, uh - CARL You're there in thirty minutes or I find you, Jerry, and I shoot you, and I shoot your fucking wife, and I shoot all your little fucking children, and I shoot 'em all in the back of their little fucking heads. Got it? JERRY ... Yah, well, you stay away from Scotty now - CARL GOT IT? JERRY Okay, real good, then. The line goes dead. A door slams offscreen. EXT. HOUSE Wade, briefcase in hand, gets into his Cadillac, slams the door and peels out. INT. CAR Wade's jaw works as he glares out at traffic. He mumbles to himself as he drives. WADE Okay ... here's your damn money, now where's my daughter?... Goddamn punk ... where's my damn daughter... He pulls out a gun, cracks the barrel, peers in. WADE ... You little punk. JERRY'S HOUSE Jerry sits in the foyer, trying to pull on pair of galoshes. Scotty's voice comes from upstairs: VOICE ... Dad? JERRY It's okay, Scotty. VOICE Where're you going? JERRY Be back in a minute. If Stan calls you, just tell him I went to Embers. Oh, geez - Thunk! - his first boot goes on. RADISSON Marge sits on the bed in her hotel room, shoes off, massaging her feet. The phone is pressed to her ear, and through it, we hear ringing. VOICE ... Hello? MARGE Norm? MILLE LACS LAKE It is late evening, blowing storm. A leisurely pan across the bleak gray expanse finds a little hut in the middle of the frozen lake with a pickup truck parked next to it. MARGE'S VOICE They bitin'? INT. HUT Norm has a cellular phone to his ear. His feet are stretched out to an electric heater. The interior is bathed in soft orange light. NORM Yah, okay. How's the hotel? MARGE Oh, pretty good. They bitin'? NORM Yeah, couple a muskies. No pike yet. How d'you feel? MARGE Oh, fine. NORM Not on your feet too much? MARGE No, no. NORM You shouldn't be on your feet too much, you got weight you're not used too. How's the food down there? MARGE Had dinner at a place called the King's Table. Buffet style. It was pretty darn good. NORM Was it reasonable? MARGE Yah, not too bad. So it's nice up there? NORM Yah, it's good. No pike yet, but it's good. DAYTON-RADISSON RAMP The top, open, level. Snow blows. A car sits idling. Another car pulls onto the roof. It creeps over to the parked car and stops. It continues to idle as its door opens and Wade steps out, carrying the briefcase. The door of the other car bangs open and Carl bounces out. CARL Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? WADE I got your goddamn money, you little punk. Now where's my daughter? CARL I am through fucking around! Drop that fucking briefcase! WADE Where's my daughter? CARL Fuck you, man! Where's Jerry? I gave SIMPLE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS - WADE Where's my damn daughter? No Jean, no money! CARL Drop that fucking money! WADE No Jean, no money! CARL Is this a fucking joke here? He pulls out a gun and fires into Wade's gut. CARL ... Is this a fucking joke? WADE Unghh ... oh, geez... He is on the pavement, clutching at his gut. Snow swirls. CARL You fucking imbeciles! He bends down next to Wade to pick up the briefcase. WADE Oh, for Christ ... oh, geez... Wade brings out his gun and fires at Carl's head, close by. CARL Oh! Carl stumbles and falls back, and then stands up again. His jaw is gouting blood. CARL ... Owwmm... One hand pressed to his jaw, he fires down at Wade several times. Blood streams through the hand pressed to his jaw. CARL ... Mmmmmphnck! He fnkem shop me... He pockets the gun, picks up the briefcase one-handed, flings it into his car, gets in, peels out. DOWN RAMP Carl screams down the ramp. He takes a corner at high speed and swerves, just missing Jerry in his Olds on his way to the top. INT. JERRY'S CAR Jerry recovers from the near miss and continues up. JERRY Oh, geez! EXIT BOOTH Carl squeals to a halt at the gate, still pressing his hand to his bleeding jaw. CARL Ophhem ma fuchem gaphe! ATTENDANT May I have your ticket, please? RAMP ROOF Jerry pulls to a halt next to Wade's idling Cadillac. He gets out and walks slowly to Wade's body, prostrate in the swirling snow. JERRY Oh! Oh, geez! He bends down, picks Wade up by the armpits and drags him over to the back of the Cadillac. He drops Wade's body, walks to the driver's side of the car, pulls the keys and walks back to pop the trunk. He wrestles Wade's body into the trunk, slams it shut and walks back to the scene of the shooting. He kicks at the snow with his galoshed feet, trying to hide the fresh bloodstains. EXIT BOOTH Jerry approaches in the Cadillac. The wooden gate barring the exit has been broken away. The booth is empty. Jerry eases toward the street, looking over at the booth as he passes. Inside the booth we see the awkwardly angled leg of a prostrate body. EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE The car pulls into the driveway. FOYER Jerry enters and sits on the foyer chair to take off his galoshes. SCOTT'S VOICE ... Dad? JERRY Yah. SCOTT'S VOICE Stan Grossman called. JERRY Yah, okay. SCOTT'S VOICE Twice. JERRY Okay. SCOTT'S VOICE ... Is everything okay? JERRY Yah. Thoonk - the first boot comes off. SCOTT'S VOICE Are you calling Stan? JERRY Well... I'm goin' ta bed now. CARL'S CAR Carl mumbles as he drives, underlit by the dim dash lights, one hand now holding a piece of rag to his shredded jaw. CARL ... Fnnkn ashlzh... Fnk... ROAD Carl's car roars into frame, violently swirling the snow. Its red tail lights fishtail away. FADE OUT HOLD IN BLACK HARD CUT TO: BRIGHT - LOOKING THROUGH A WINDSHIELD It is a starky sunny day. We are cruising down a street of humble lookalike houses. We pan right as we draw toward one house in particular. In its driveway a man in a hooded parka shovels snow. He notices the approaching car and gives its driver a wave. The driver is Gary, the Brainderd police officer. He gives a finger-to-the-head salute and pulls over. OUTSIDE Gary slams his door shut and the other man plants his shovel in the snow. MAN How ya doin'? GARY Mr. Mohra? MAN Yah. GARY Officer Olson. MAN Yah, right-o. The two men caucus the driveway without shaking hands and without standing particularly close. They stand stiffly, arms down at their sides and breath streaming out of their parka hoods. Each has an awkward leaning-away posture, head drawn slightly back and chin tucked in, to keep his face from protruding into the cold. MAN ... So, I'm tendin' bar there at Ecklund && Swedlin's last Tuesday and this little guy's drinkin' and he says, 'So where can a guy find some action - I'm goin' crazy down there at the lake.' And I says, 'What kinda action?' and he says, 'Woman action, what do I look like,' And I says 'Well, what do I look like, I don't arrange that kinda thing,' and he says, 'I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake' and I says, 'Well, this ain't that kinda place.' GARY Uh-huh. MAN So he says, 'So I get it, so you think I'm some kinda jerk for askin',' only he doesn't use the word jerk. GARY I unnerstand. MAN And then he calls me a jerk and says the last guy who thought he was a jerk was dead now. So I don't say nothin' and he says, 'What do ya think about that?' So I says, 'Well, that don't sound like too good a deal for him then.' GARY Ya got that right. MAN And he says, 'Yah, that guy's dead and I don't mean a old age.' And then he says, 'Geez, I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake.' GARY White Bear Lake? MAN Well, Ecklund && Swedlin's, that's closer ta Moose Lake, so I made that assumption. GARY Oh sure. MAN So, ya know, he's drinkin', so I don't think a whole great deal of it, but Mrs. Mohra heard about the homicides out here and she thought I should call it in, so I called it in. End a story. GARY What'd this guy look like anyways? MAN Oh, he was a little guy, kinda funny-lookin'. GARY Uh-huh - in what way? MAN Just a general way. GARY Okay, well, thanks a bunch, Mr. Mohra. You're right, it's probably nothin', but thanks for callin' her in. MAN Oh sure. They say she's gonna turn cold tomorrow. GARY Yah, got a front movin' in. MAN Ya got that right. CLOSE ON CARL SHOWALTER In his car, now parked, one hand holding the rag pressed to his mangled jaw. He is staring down at something in the front seat next to him. His other hand holds open the briefcase. It has money inside - a lot of money. Carl unfreezes, takes out one of the bank-wrapped wads and looks at it. CARL ... Mmmnphh. He paws through the money in the briefcase to get a feeling for the amount. CARL ... Jeshush Shrist... Jeshush fuchem Shrist! Excited, he counts out a bundle of bills and tosses it onto the back seat. He starts to take the rag away from his chin but the layer pressed against his face sticks, its loose weave bound to his skin by clotted blood. He pulls very gently and winces as blood starts to flow again. He carefully tears the rag in half so that only a bit of it remains adhering to his jaw. EXT. CAR It is pulled over to the side of an untraveled road. THe door opens and Carl emerges with the briefcase. He slogs through the snow, down a gulley and up the embankment to a barbed-wire fence. He kneels at one of the fence posts and frantically digs into the snow with his bare hands, throws in the briefcase and covers it back up. He stands and tries to beat the circulation back into his red, frozen hands. He looks to the right. A regular line of identical fence posts stretches away against unblemished white. He looks to the left. A regular line of identical fence posts stretches away against unblemished white. He looks at the fence post in front of him. CARL Mmmphh... He looks about the snowy vastness for a marker. Finding none, he kicks the fence post a couple of times, failing to scar or tilt it, then hurriedly plants a couple of sicks up against the post. He bends down, scoops up a handful of snow, presses it against his wounded jaw, and lopes back to the idling car. HOTEL ROOM Marge has a packed overnight back sitting on the unmade bed. She is ready to leave, already wearing her parka, but is on the phone. MARGE No, I'm leavin' this mornin', back up to Brainerd. VOICE Well, I'm sorry I won't see ya. MARGE Mm. But ya think he's all right? I saw him last night and he's - VOICE What'd he say? MARGE Well, it was nothin' specific he said, it just seemd like it all hit him really hard, his wife dyin' - VOICE His wife? MARGE Linda. VOICE No. MARGE Linda Cooksey? VOICE No. No. No. They weren't - he, uh, he was bothering Linda for about, oh, for a good year. Really pestering her, wouldn't leave her alone. MARGE So ... they didn't... VOICE No. No. They never married. Mike's had psychiatric problems. MARGE Oh. Oh, my. VOICE Yah, he - he's been struggling. He's living with his parents now. MARGE Oh. Geez. VOICE Yah, Linda's fine. You should call her. MARGE Geez. Well - geez. That's a suprise. MARGE'S CAR Marge drives, gazing out at the road. MARGE AT A DRIVE-THROUGH She leans out of her open window and yells at the order panel: MARGE Hello? MARGE AT THE GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE She sits in the lot, eating a breakfast sandwich. JERRY LUNDEGAARD'S OFFICE Jerry is at his desk using a blunt pencil to enter numbers onto a form. Beneath the form is a piece of carbon paper and beneath that another form copy, which Jerry periodically checks. The carbon-copy form shows thick smudgy, illegible entries. Jerry hums nervously. Glass rattles as someone taps at his door. Jerry looks up and freezes, mouth hanging open, brow knit with worry. Marge sticks her head in the door. MARGE Mr. Lundegaard? Sorry to bother you again. Can I come in? She starts to enter. JERRY Yah, no, I'm kinda - I'm kinda busy - MARGE I unnerstand. I'll keep it real short, then. I'm on my way out of town, but I was just - Do you mind if I sit down? I'm carrying a bit of a load here. JERRY No, I - But she is already sitting into the chair opposite with a sigh of relieved weight. MARGE Yah, it's this vehicle I asked you about yesterday. I was just wondering - JERRY Yah, like I told ya, we haven't had any vehicles go missing. MARGE Okay, are you sure, cause, I mean, how do you know? Because, see, the crime I'm investigating, the perpetrators were driving a car with dealer plates. And they called someone who works here, so it'd be quite a coincidence if they weren't, ya know, connected. JERRY Yah, I see. MARGE So how do you - have you done any kind of inventory recently? JERRY The car's not from our lot, ma'am. MARGE but do you know that for sure without - JERRY Well, I would know. I'm the Executive Sales Manager. MARGE Yah, but - JERRY We run a pretty tight ship here. MARGE I know, but - well, how do you establish that, sir? Are the cars, uh, counted daily or what kind of - JERRY Ma'am, I answered your question. There is a silent beat. MARGE ... I'm sorry, sir? JERRY Ma'am, I answered your question. I answered the darn - I'm cooperating here, and I... MARGE Sir, you have no call to get snippy with me. I'm just doin' my job here. JERRY I'm not, uh, I'm not arguin' here. I'm cooperating... There's no, uh - we're doin' all we can... He trails off into silence. MARGE Sir, could I talk to Mr. Gustafson? Jerry stares at her. MARGE ... Mr. Lundegaard? Jerry explodes: JERRY Well, heck, if you wanna, if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I... He is getting angrily off his feet. JERRY Okay, I'll do a damned lot count! MARGE Sir? Right now? JERRY Sure right now! You're darned tootin'! He is yanking his parka from a hook behind the opened door and grabbing a pair of galoshes. JERRY ... If it's so damned imporant to ya! MARGE I'm sorry, sir, I - Jerry has the parka slung over one arm and the galoshes pinched in his hand. JERRY Aw, what the Christ! He stamps out the door. Marge stares. After a long moment her stare breaks. She glances idly around the office. There is a framed picture facing away from her on the desktop. She turns it to face her. It is Scotty, holding an accordion. There is another picture of Jean. Marge looks at it, looks around, for some reason, at the ceiling. She looks at a trophy shelf on the wall behind her. She fiddles idly with a pencil. She pulls a clipboard toward her. It holds a form from the General Motors Finance Corporation. She looks idly around. Her look abruptly locks. MARGE ... Oh, for Pete's sake. Jerry is easing his car around the near corner of the building. Marge's voice is flat with dismay: MARGE ... Oh, for Pete's sake... She grabs the phone and punches in a number. MARGE ... For Pete's s- he's fleein' the interview. He's feelin' the interview... Jerry makes a left turn into traffic. MARGE ... Detective Sibert, please... POLICE OFFICER We are looking across a steam table at a man in blue. He moves slowly to the right, pushing his tray along a cafeteria line. Behind him, in the depth of the room, is an eating area of long Formica tables at which sit a mix of uniformed and civilian-clothed police and staff. We are listening to an offscreen woman's voice. WOMAN Well, so far we're just saying he's wanted for questioning in connection with a triple homicide. Nobody at the dealship there's been much help guessing where he might go... The woman is entering frame sliding a tray. Marge enters behind her, sliding her own. We move laterally with them as they slowly make their way along the line. MARGE Uh-huh. WOMAN We called his house; his little boy said he hadn't been there. MARGE And his wife? WOMAN She's visiting relatives in Florida. Now his boss, this guy Gustafson, he's also disappeared. Nobody at his office knows where he is. MARGE Geez. Looks like this thing goes higher than we thought. You call his home? WOMAN His wife's in the hospital, has been for a couple months. The big C. MARGE Oh, my. WOMAN And this Shep Proudfoot character, he's a little darling. He's now wanted for assault and parole violation. He clobbered a neighbor of his last night and another person who could be one of your perps, and he's at large. MARGE Boy, this thing is really ... geez. WOMAN Well, they're all out on the wire. Well, you know... MARGE Yah. Well, I just can't thank you enough, Detective Sibert, this cooperation has been outstanding. DETECTIVE SIBERT Ah, well, we haven't had to run around like you. When're you due? MARGE End a April. DETECTIVE SIBERT Any others? MARGE This'll be our first. We've been waiting a long time. DETECTIVE SIBERT That's wonderful. Mm-mm. It'll change your life, a course. MARGE Oh, yah, I know that! DETECTIVE SIBERT They can really take over, that's for sure. MARGE You have children? Detective Sibert pulls an accordion of plastic picture sleeves from her purse to show Marge. DETECTIVE SIBERT I thought you'd never ask. The older one is Janet, she's nine, and the younger one is Morgan. MARGE Oh, now he's adorable. DETECTIVE SIBERT He's three now. Course, not in that picture. MARGE Oh, he's adorable. DETECTIVE SIBERT Yah, he - MARGE Where'd you get him that parka? They have reached the end of the cafeteria line. With a nod to the cashier, Detective Sibert indicates hers and Marge's trays. DETECTIVE SIBERT Both of these. MARGE Oh, no, I can't let you do that. DETECTIVE SIBERT Oh, don't be silly. MARGE Well, okay - thank you, Detective. DETECTIVE SIBERT Oh, don't be silly. GAEAR GRIMSRUD He sits eating a Swanson's TV dinner from a TV tray he has set up in front of an easy chair. He watches the old black-and-white TV set whose image - it might be a game show - is still heavily ghosting and diffused by snow. The audio crackles with interference. Despite the impenetrability of its image, it holds Grimsrud's complete attention. At the sound of the front door opening, Grimsrud looks up. Carl enters, his face suppurating and raw. He reacts to Grimsrud's wordless look with a grotesque laugh. CARL You should she zhe uzher guy! He glances around. CARL ... The fuck happen a her? Jean sits slumped in a straight-backed chair facing the wall. Her hooded head, resting on her chin, is motionless. There is blood on the facing wall. GRIMSRUD She started shrieking, you know. CARL Jezhush. He shakes his head. CARL ... Well, I gotta muddy. He is plunking down eight bank-wrapped bundles on the table. CARL ... All of it. All eighty gran. Forty for you... He makes one pile, pockets the rest. CARL ... Forty for me. Sho thishuzh it. Adiosh. He slaps keys down on the table. CARL ... You c'n'ave my truck. I'm takin' a Shiera. GRIMSRUD We split that. Carl looks at him. CARL HOW THE FUCK DO WE SHPLITTA FUCKIN' CAR? Ya dummy! Widda fuckin' chainshaw? Grimsrud looks sourly up. There is a beat. Finally: GRIMSRUD One of us pays the other for half. CARL HOLD ON! NO FUCKIN' WAY! YOU FUCKIN' NOTISH ISH? I GOT FUCKIN' SHOT INNA FAISH! I WENT'N GOTTA FUCKIN' MONEY! I GET SHOT FUCKIN' PICKIN' IT UP! I BEEN UP FOR THIRTY-SHIKSH FUCKIN' HOURZH! I'M TAKIN' THAT FUCKIN' CAR! THAT FUCKERZH MINE! Carl waits for an argument, but only gets the steady sour look. Carl pulls out a gun. CARL ... YOU FUCKIN' ASH-HOLE! I LISHEN A YOUR BULLSHIT FOR A WHOLE FUCKIN' WEEK! A beat. Carl returns Grimsrud's stare. CARL ... Are we shquare? Grimsrud says nothing. CARL ... ARE WE SHQUARE? A beat. Disgusted, Carl pockets the gun and heads for the door. CARL ... Fuckin' ash-hole. And if you shee your friend Shep Proudpfut, tell him I'm gonna NAIL hizh fuckin' ash. OUTSIDE We are pulling Carl as he walks toward the car. Behind him we see the cabin door opening. Carl turns, reacting to the sound. Grimsrud is bounding out wearing mittens and a red hunter's cap, but no overcoat. He is holding an ax. Carl fumbles in his pocket for his gun. Grimsrud swings overhand, burying the ax in Carl's neck. MARGE In her cruiser, on her two-way. Through it we hear Lou's voice, heavily filtered: VOICE His wife. This guy says she was kidnapped last Wednesday. MARGE The day of our homicides. VOICE Yah. Marge is peering to one side as she drives, looking through the bare trees that border the road on a declivity that runs down to a large frozen lake. MARGE And this guy is... VOICE Lundegaard's father-in-law's accountant. MARGE Gustafson's accountant. VOICE Yah. MARGE But we still haven't found Gustafson. VOICE (crackle) - looking. MARGE Sorry - didn't copy. VOICE Still missing. We're looking. MARGE Copy. And Lundegaard too. VOICE Yah. Where are ya, Margie? We hear, distant but growing louder, harsh engine noise, as of a chainsaw or lawnmower. MARGE Oh, I'm almost back - I'm driving around Moose Lake. VOICE Oh. Gary's loudmouth. MARGE Yah, the loudmouth. So the whole state has it, Lundegaard and Gustafson? VOICE Yah, it's over the wire, it's everywhere, they'll find 'em. MARGE Copy. VOICE We've got a - MARGE There's the car! There's the car! We are slowing as we approach a short driveway leading down to a cabin. Parked in front is the brown Cutlass Ciera. VOICE Whose car? MARGE My car! My car! Tan Ciera! VOICE Don't go in! Wait for back-up! Marge is straining to look. The power-tool noise is louder here but still muffled, its source not yet visible. VOICE ... Chief Gunderson? MARGE Copy. Yah, send me back-up! VOICE Yes, ma'am. Are we the closest PD? MARGE Yah, Menominie only has Chief Perpich and he takes February off to go to Boundary Waters. ROAD EXTERIOR Marge pulls her prowler over some distance past the cabin. She gets out, zips up her khaki parka and pulls up its fur- lined hood. For a moment, she stands listening to the muffled roar of the power tool. Then, with one curved arm half pressing against, half supporting her belly, she takes slow, gingerly steps down the slope, through the deep snow, through the trees angling toward the cabin and the source of the grinding noise. She slogs from tree to tree, letting each one support her downhill-leaning weight for a moment before slogging to the next. The roar grows louder. Marge stands panting by one tree, her breath vaporizing out of her snorkel hood. She squints down toward the cabin's back lot. A tall man with his back to us, wearing a red plaid quilted jacket and a hunting cap with earflaps, is laboring over a large power tool which his body blocks from view. Marge advances. The man is forcing downward something which engages the roaring power tool and makes harsh spluttering noises. The man is Grimsrud, his nose red and eyes watering from the cold, hatflaps pulled down over his ears. His breath steams as he sourly goes about his work, both hands pressing down a shod foot, as it if were the shaft of a butter churn. The roar is very loud. Marge slogs down to the next tree, panting, looking. Grimsrud forces more of the leg into the machine, which we can now see sprays small wet chunks out the bottom. Marge's eyes shift. A large dark form lies in the snow next to Grimsrud. Grimsrud works on, eyes watering. With a grunt he bends down out of frame and then re-enters holding a thick log. He uses it to force the leg deeper into the machine. Marge is advancing. She holds a gun extended toward Grimsrud, who is still turned away. Grimsrud rubs his nose with the back of his hand. Marge closes in, grimacing. Grimsrud's back strains as he puts his weight into the log that pushes down into the machine. The dark shape in the snow next to his side is the rest of Carl Showalter's body. Marge has drawn to within twenty yards. When she bellows it sounds hollow and distant, her voice all but eaten up by the roar of the power tool. MARGE Stop! Police! Turn around and hands up! Startled, Grimsrud scowls. He turns to face her. He stares. Marge bellows again: MARGE ... Hands up! Conscious of the noise, she shows with a twist of her shoulder the armpatch insignia. MARGE ... Police! Grimsrud stares. With a quick twist, he reaches back for the log, hurls it at Marge and then starts running away. Marge twists her body sideways, shielding herself. No need - the heavy log travels perhaps ten yards and lands in the snow several feet short of her. Grimsrud pants up the hill - slow going through the deep snow. Behind him: MARGE ... Halt! She fires in the air. She lowers the gun and carefully sighs. MARGE ... Halt! She fires. Grimsrud still slogs up the hill - a miss. Marge sights again. MARGE ... Halt! She fires again. Grimsrud pitches forward. He mutters in Swedish as he reaches down to clutch at his wounded leg. Marge walks toward him, gun trained on him as her other hand reaches under her parka and gropes around her waist. It comes out with a pair of handcuffs, which she opens with a snap of the wrist. MARGE ... All right, buddy. On your belly and your hands clasped behind you. THE CRUISER Marge drives. Grimsrud sits in the back seat, hands cuffed behind him. For a long moment there, he is quiet - only engine hum and the periodic clomp of wheels on pavement seams - as Marge grimly shakes her head. MARGE ... So that was Mrs. Lundegaard in there? She glances up in the rear-view mirror. Grimsrud, cheeks sunk, eyes hollow, looks sourly out at the road. Marge shakes her head. At length: MARGE ... I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. Grimsrud's head bobs with bumps on the road; otherwise he is motionless, reactionless, scowling and gazing out. MARGE ... And those three people in Brainerd. No response. Marge, gazing forward, seems to be talking to herself. MARGE ... And for what? For a little bit of money. We hear distant sirens. MARGE ... There's more to life than money, you know. She glances up in the rear-view mirror. MARGE ... Don't you know that?... And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day... Grimsrud's hollow eyes stare out. The sirens are getting louder. Marge pulls over. MARGE ... Well... She leans forward to the dash to give two short signalling WHOOPS on her siren. She turns on her flashers. She leans back with a creak and jangle of utilities. She stares forward, shakes her head. We hear the dull click of her flashers. MARGE ... I just don't unnerstand it. Outside it is snowing. The sky, the earth, the road - all white. A squad car, gumballs spinning, punches through the white. It approaches in slow motion. An ambulance punches through after it. Another squad car. FADE OUT: FADE IN: HIGH AND WIDE ON A SHABBY MOTEL It stands next to a highway on a snowy, windslept plain. One or two cars dot the parking lot along with an idling police cruiser. MOTEL ROOM DOORWAY We are looking over the shoulders of two uniformed policemen who stand on either side of the door, their hands resting lightly on their holstered sidearms. One of them raps at the door. COP ONE Mr. Anderson... A title fades in: OUTSIDE OF BISMARK, NORTH DAKOTA After a pause, muffled through the door: VOICE ... Who?... COP ONE Mr. Anderson, is this your burgundy 88 out here? VOICE ... Just a sec. COP ONE Could you open the door, please? VOICE ... Yah. Yah, just a sec. We hear a clatter from inside. VOICE ... Just a sec... One of the policemen unholsters his gun and nods to someone whose back enters - a superintendent holding a ring of keys. This man turns a key in the door and then stands away. The two policemen, guns at the ready, bang into the motel room. The rough hand-held camera rushes in behind them as the two men give the room a two-handed sweep with their guns. The room is empty. Cop one indicates the open bathroom door. COP ONE Dale! The two men charge the bathroom, belts jingling, guns at the ready, jittery camera behind them rushing to keep pace. A man in boxer shorts is halfway out the bathroom window. The policemen holster their guns and charge the window, and drag Jerry Lundegaard back into the room. His flesh quivers as he thrashes and keens in short, piercing screams. The cops wrestle him to the floor but his palsied thrashing continues. The policemen struggle to restrain him. COP ONE Call an ambulance! COP TWO You got him okay? Cop One pinions Jerry's arms to the floor and Jerry bursts into uncontrolled sobbing. COP ONE Yah, yah, call an ambulance. Jerry sobs and screams. A BEDROOM We are square on Norm, who sits in bed watching television. After a long beat, Marge enters frame in a nightie and climbs into bed, with some effort. MARGE Oooph! Norm reaches for her hand as both watch the television. At length Norm speaks, but keeps his eyes on the TV. NORM They announced it. Marge looks at him. MARGE They announced it? NORM Yah. Marge looks at him, waiting for more, but Norm's eyes stay fixed on the television. MARGE ... So? NORM Three-cent stamp. MARGE Your mallard? NORM Yah. MARGE Norm, that's terrific! Norm tries to suppress a smile of pleasure. NORM It's just the three cent. MARGE It's terrific! NORM Hautman's blue-winged teal got the twenty-nine cent. People don't much use the three-cent. MARGE Oh, for Pete's - a course they do! Every time they raise the darned postage, people need the little stamps! NORM Yah. MARGE When they're stuck with a bunch a the old ones! NORM Yah, I guess. MARGE That's terrific. Her eyes go back to the TV. MARGE ... I'm so proud a you, Norm. Norm murmurs: NORM I love you, Margie. MARGE I love you, Norm. Both of them are watching the TV as Norm reaches out to rest a hand on top of her stomach. NORM ... Two more months. Marge absently rests her own hand on top of his. MARGE Two more months. Hold; fade out.FARGO a screenplay by Ethan Coen and Joel Coen The following text fades in over black: This is a true story. The events depicted in this film took place in Minnesota in 1987. At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occured. FLARE TO WHITE FADE IN FROM WHITE Slowly the white becomes a barely perceptible image: white particles wave over a white background. A snowfall. A car bursts through the curtain of snow. The car is equipped with a hitch and is towing another car, a brand-new light brown Cutlass Ciera with the pink sales sticker showing in its rear window. As the car roars past, leaving snow swirling in their dirft, the title of the film fades in. FARGO Green highway signs point the way to MOOREHEAD, MINNESOTA/FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA. The roads for the two cities diverge. A sign says WELCOME TO NORTH DAKOTA and another just after says NOW ENTERING FARGO, ND, POP. 44,412. The car pulls into a Rodeway Inn. HOTEL LOBBY A man in his early forties, balding and starting to paunch, goes to the reception desk. The clerk is an older woman. CLERK And how are you today, sir? MAN Real good now. I'm checking in - Mr. Anderson. The man prints "Jerry Lundega" onto a registration card, then hastily crosses out the last name and starts to print "Anderson." As she types into a computer: CLERK Okay, Mr. Anderson, and you're still planning on staying with us just the night, then? ANDERSON You bet. HOTEL ROOM The man turns on the TV, which shows the local evening news. NEWS ANCHOR - whether they will go to summer camp at all. Katie Jensen has more. KATIE It was supposed to be a project funded by the city council; it was supposed to benefit those Fargo-Moorehead children who would otherwise not be able to afford to attend a lakeshore summer camp. But nobody consulted city controller Stu Jacobson... CHAIN RESTAURANT Anderson sits alone at a table finishing dinner. Muzak plays. A middle-aged waitress approaches holding a pot of regular coffee in one hand and decaf in the other. WAITRESS Can I warm that up for ya there? ANDERSON You bet. The man looks at his watch. THROUGH A WINDSHIELD We are pulling into the snowswept parking lot of a one-story brick building. Broken neon at the top of the building identifies it as the Jolly Troll Tavern. A troll, also in neon, holds a champagne glass aloft. INSIDE The bar is downscale even for this town. Country music plays on the jukebox. Two men are seated in a booth at the back. One is short, slight, youngish. The other man is somewhat older, and dour. The table in front of them is littered with empty long-neck beer bottles. The ashtray is full. Anderson approaches. ANDERSON I'm, uh, Jerry Lundegaard - YOUNGER MAN You're Jerry Lundegaard? JERRY Yah, Shep Proudfoot said - YOUNGER MAN Shep said you'd be here at 7:30. What gives, man? JERRY Shep said 8:30. YOUNGER MAN We been sitting here an hour. I've peed three times already. JERRY I'm sure sorry. I - Shep told me 8:30. It was a mix-up, I guess. YOUNGER MAN Ya got the car? JERRY Yah, you bet. It's in the lot there. Brand-new burnt umber Ciera. YOUNGER MAN Yeah, okay. Well, siddown then. I'm Carl Showalter and this is my associate Gaear Grimsrud. JERRY Yah, how ya doin'. So, uh, we all set on this thing, then? YOUNGER MAN Sure, Jerry, we're all set. Why wouldn't we be? JERRY Yah, no, I'm sure you are. Shep vouched for you and all. I got every confidence in you fellas. They stare at him. An awkward beat. JERRY ... So I guess that's it, then. Here's the keys - CARL No, that's not it, Jerry. JERRY Huh? CARL The new vehicle, plus forty thousand dollars. JERRY Yah, but the deal was, the car first, see, then the forty thousand, like as if it was the ransom. I thought Shep told you - CARL Shep didn't tell us much, Jerry. JERRY Well, okay, it's - CARL Except that you were gonna be here at 7:30. JERRY Yah, well, that was a mix-up, then. CARL Yeah, you already said that. JERRY Yah. But it's not a whole pay- in-advance deal. I give you a brand-new vehicle in advance and - CARL I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. JERRY Okay. CARL I'm not gonna sit here and debate. I will say this though: what Shep told us didn't make a whole lot of sense. JERRY Oh, no, it's real sound. It's all worked out. CARL You want your own wife kidnapped? JERRY Yah. Carl Stares. Jerry looks blankly back. CARL ... You - my point is, you pay the ransom - what eighty thousand bucks? - I mean, you give us half the ransom, forty thousand, you keep half. It's like robbing Peter to play Paul, it doesn't make any - JERRY Okay, it's - see, it's not me payin' the ransom. The thing is, my wife, she's wealthy - her dad, he's real well off. Now, I'm in a bit of trouble - CARL What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry? JERRY Well, that's, that's, I'm not go inta, inta - see, I just need money. Now, her dad's real wealthy - CARL So why don't you just ask him for the money? Grimsrud, the dour man who has not yet spoken, now softly puts in with a Swedish-accented voice: GRIMSRUD Or your fucking wife, you know. CARL Or your fucking wife, Jerry. JERRY Well, it's all just part of this - they don't know I need it, see. Okay, so there's that. And even if they did, I wouldn't get it. So there's that on top, then. See, these're personal matters. CARL Personal matters. JERRY Yah. Personal matters that needn't, uh - CARL Okay, Jerry. You're tasking us to perform this mission, but you, you won't, uh, you won't - aw, fuck it, let's take a look at that Ciera. MINNEAPOLIS SUBURBAN HOUSE Jerry enters through the kitchen door, in a parka and a red plaid Elmer Fudd hat. He stamps snow off his feet. He is carrying a bag of groceries which he deposits on the kitchen counter. JERRY Hon? Got the growshries. VOICE Thank you, hon. How's Fargo? JERRY Yah, real good. VOICE Dad's here. DEN Jerry enters, pulling off his plaid cap. JERRY How ya doin', Wade? Wade Gustafson is mid-sixtyish, vigorous, with a full head of gray hair. His eyes remain fixed on the TV. WADE Yah, pretty good. JERRY Whatcha watchin' there? WADE Norstars. JERRY ... Who they playin'? WADE OOOoooh! His reaction synchronizes with a reaction from the crowd. KITCHEN Jerry walks back in, taking off his coat. His wife is putting on an apron. Jerry nods toward the living room. JERRY Is he stayin' for supper, then? WIFE Yah, I think so... Dad, are you stayin' for supper? WADE (off) Yah. DINING ROOM Jerry, his wife, Wade and Scotty, twelve years old, sit eating. SCOTTY May I be excused? JERRY Sure, ya done there? SCOTTY Uh-huh. Goin' out. WIFE Where are you going? SCOTTY Just out. Just McDonald's. JERRY Back at 9:30. SCOTTY Okay. WADE He just ate. And he didn't finish. He's going to McDonald's instead of finishing here? WIFE He sees his friends there. It's okay. WADE It's okay? McDonald's? What do you think they do there? They don't drink milkshakes, I assure you! WIFE It's okay, Dad. JERRY Wade, have ya had a chance to think about, uh, that deal I was talkin' about, those forty acres there on Wayzata? WADE You told me about it. JERRY Yah, you said you'd have a think about it. I understand it's a lot of money - WADE A heck of a lot. What'd you say you were gonna put there? JERRY A lot. It's a limited - WADE I know it's a lot. JERRY I mean a parking lot. WADE Yah, well, seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars is a lot - ha ha ha! JERRY Yah, well, it's a chunk, but - WADE I thought you were gonna show it to Stan Grossman. He passes on this stuff before it gets kicked up to me. JERRY Well, you know Stan'll say no dice. That's why you pay him. I'm asking you here, Wade. This could work out real good for me and Jean and Scotty - WADE Jean and Scotty never have to worry. WHITE A black like curls through the white. Twisting perspective shows that it is an aerial shot of a two-lane highway, bordered by snowfields. The highway carries one moving car. INT. CAR Carl Showalter is driving. Gaear Grimsrud stares blankly out. After a long beat: GRIMSRUD Where is Pancakes Hause? CARL What? GRIMSRUD We stop at Pancakes Hause. CARL What're you, nuts? We had pancakes for breakfast. I gotta go somewhere I can get a shot and a beer - and a steak maybe. Not more fuckin' pancakes. Come on. Grimsrud gives him a sour look. CARL ... Come on, man. Okay, here's an idea. We'll stop outside of Brainerd. I know a place there we can get laid. Wuddya think? GRIMSRUD I'm fuckin' hungry now, you know. CARL Yeah, yeah, Jesus - I'm sayin', we'll stop for pancakes, then we'll get laid. Wuddya think? GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is sitting in his glassed-in salesman's cubicle just off the showroom floor. On the other side of his desk sit an irate customer and his wife. CUSTOMER We sat here right in this room and went over this and over this! JERRY Yah, but that TruCoat - CUSTOMER I sat right here and said I didn't want no TruCoat! JERRY Yah, but I'm sayin', that TruCoat, you don't get it and you get oxidization problems. It'll cost you a heck of lot more'n five hunnert - CUSTOMER You're sittin' here, you're talkin' in circles! You're talkin' like we didn't go over this already! JERRY Yah, but this TruCoat - CUSTOMER We had us a deal here for nine- teen-five. You sat there and darned if you didn't tell me you'd get this car, these options, WITHOUT THE SEALANT, for nine- teen-five! JERRY Okay, I'm not sayin' I didn't - CUSTOMER You called me twenty minutes ago and said you had it! Ready to make delivery, ya says! Come on down and get it! And here ya are and you're wastin' my time and you're wastin' my wife's time and I'm payin' nineteen-five for this vehicle here! JERRY Well, okay, I'll talk to my boss... He rises, and, as he leaves: JERRY ... See, they install that TruCoat at the factory, there's nothin' we can do, but I'll talk to my boss. The couple watch him go to a nearby cubicle. CUSTOMER These guys here - these guys! It's always the same! It's always more! He's a liar! WIFE Please, dear. CUSTOMER We went over this and over this - NEARBY CUBICLE Jerry sits perched on the desk of another salesman who is eating lunch as he watches a hockey game on a small portable TV. JERRY So you're goin' to the Gophers on Sunday? SALESMAN You bet. JERRY You wouldn't have an extra ticket there? SALESMAN They're playin' the Buckeyes! JERRY Yah. SALESMAN Ya kiddin'! JERRY'S CUBICLE Jerry re-enters. JERRY Well, he never done this before, but seein' as it's special circumstances and all, he says I can knock one hunnert off that TruCoat. CUSTOMER One hundred! You lied to me, Mr. Lundegaard. You're a bald-faced liar! Jerry sits staring at his lap. CUSTOMER ... A fucking liar - WIFE Bucky, please! Jerry mumbles into his lap: JERRY One hunnert's the best we can do here. CUSTOMER Oh, for Christ's sake, where's my goddamn checkbook. Let's get this over with. WIDE EXTERIOR: TRUCK STOP There is a restaurant with many big rigs parked nearby, and a motel with an outsize Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox flanking its sign: BLUE OX MOTEL. MOTEL ROOM Carl Showalter and Gaear Grimsrud are in the twin beds having sex with two truck-stop hookers. CARL Oh, Jesus, yeah. HIS HOOKER There ya go, sugar. GRIMSRUD Nnph. HIS HOOKER Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. LATER The couples like in their respective beds, gazing at the offscreen TV. ED MCMAHON - Johnny's guests tonight will be Lee Majors, George Wendt, and Steve Boutsikaros from the San Diego Zoo, so keep that dial - LUNDEGAARD KITCHEN We hear a morning show on television. Jean Lundegaard is making coffee in the kitchen as Scott eats cereal at the table. JEAN I'm talkin' about your potential. SCOTT (absently) Uh-huh. JEAN You're not a C student. SCOTT Uhn. JEAN And yet you're gettin' C grades. It's this disparity there that concerns your dad and me. SCOTT Uh-huh. JEAN You know what a disparity is? SCOTT (testily) Yeah! JEAN Okay. Well, that's why we don't want ya goin' out fer hockey. SCOTT Oh, man! The phone rings. SCOTT ... What's the big deal? It's an hour - JEAN Hold on. She picks up the phone. JEAN ... Hello? PHONE VOICE Yah, hiya, hon. JEAN Oh, hiya, Dad. WADE Jerry around? JEAN Yah, he's still here - I'll catch him for ya. She holds the phone away and calls: JEAN ... Hon? VOICE Yah. JEAN It's Dad. VOICE Yah... Jerry enters in shirtsleeves and tie. JERRY ... Yah, okay... SCOTT Look, Dad, there is no fucking way - JEAN Scott! JERRY Say, let's watch the language - He takes the phone. JERRY How ya doin', Wade? WADE What's goin' on there? JERRY Oh, nothing, Wade. How ya doin' there? WADE Stan Grossman looked at your proposal. Says it's pretty sweet. JERRY No kiddin'? WADE We might be innarested. JERRY No kiddin'! I'd need the cash pretty quick there. In order to close the deal. WADE Come by at 2:30 and we'll talk about it. If your numbers are right, Stan says its pretty sweet. Stan Grossman. JERRY Yah. WADE 2:30. Click. Dial tone. JERRY Yah, okay. GUSTAFSON OLD GARAGE Jerry wanders through the service area where cars are being worked on. He stops by an Indian in blue jeans who is looking at the underside of a car that sits on a hydraulic lift with a cage light hanging off its innards. JERRY Say, Shep, how ya doin' there? SHEP Mm. JERRY Say, ya know those two fellas ya put me in touch with, up there in Fargo? SHEP Put you in touch with Grimsrud. JERRY Well, yah, but he had a buddy there. He, uh - SHEP Well, I don't vouch for him. JERRY Well, that's okay, I just - SHEP I vouch for Grimsrud. Who's his buddy? JERRY Carl somethin'? SHEP Never heard of him. Don't vouch for him. JERRY Well, that's okay, he's a buddy of the guy ya vouched for, so I'm not worryin'. I just, I was wonderin', see, I gotta get in touch with 'em for, I might not need it anymore, sumpn's happenin', see - SHEP Call 'em up. JERRY Yah, well, see, I did that, and I haven't been able to get 'em, so I thought you maybe'd know an alternate number or what have ya. SHEP Nope. Jerry slaps his fist into his open palm and snaps his fingers. JERRY Okay, well, real good, then. CAR Carl is driving. Grimsrud stares out front. After a beat: CARL ... Look at that. Twin Cities. IDS Building, the big glass one. Tallest skyscraper in the Midwest. After the Sears, uh, Chicago... You never been to Minneapolis? GRIMSRUD No. CARL ... Would it kill you to say something? GRIMSRUD I did. CARL "No." First thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a, that's a fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa, daddy, stand back, man. Shit, I'm sittin' here driving, man, doin' all the driving, whole fuckin' way from Brainerd, drivin', tryin' to, you know, tryin' to chat, keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one fucking thing just in the way of conversation. Grimsurd smokes, gazing out the window. CARL ... Well, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man. See how you like it... He drives. CARL ... Total silence... JERRY'S CUBICLE He is on the phone. JERRY Yah, real good. How you doin'? VOICE Pretty good, Mr. Lundegaard. You're damned hard to get on the phone. JERRY Yah, it's pretty darned busy here, but that's the way we like it. VOICE That's for sure. Now, I just need, on these last, these financing documents you sent us, I can't read the serial numbers of the vehicles on here, so I - JERRY But I already got the, it's okay, the loans are in place, I already got the, the what, the - VOICE Yeah, the three hundred and twenty thousand dollars, you got the money last month. JERRY Yah, so we're all set. VOICE Yeah, but the vehicles you were borrowing on, I just can't read the serial numbers on your applicaton. Maybe if you could just read them to me - JERRY But the deal's already done, I already got the money - VOICE Yeah, but we have an audit here, I just have to know that these vehicles you're financing with this money, that they really exist. JERRY Yah, well, they exist all right. VOICE I'm sure they do - ha ha! But I can't read their serial numbers here. So if you could read me - JERRY Well, but see, I don't have 'em in front a me - why don't I just fax you over a copy - VOICE No, fax is no good, that's what I have and I can't read the darn thing - JERRY Yah, okay, I'll have my girl send you over a copy, then. VOICE Okay, because if I can't correlate this note with the specific vehicles, then I gotta call back that money - JERRY Yah, how much money was that? VOICE Three hundred and twenty thousand dollars. See, I gotta correlate that money with the cars it's being lent on. JERRY Yah, no problem, I'll just fax that over to ya, then. VOICE No, no, fax is - JERRY I mean send it over. I'll shoot it right over to ya. VOICE Okay. JERRY Okay, real good, then. CLOSE ON TELEVISION A morning-show host in an apron stands behind a counter on a kitchen set. HOST So I seperate the - how the heck do I get the egg out of the shell without breaking it? Jean Lundegaard is curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee, watching the television. HOSTESS You just prick a little hole in the end and blow! Jean smiles as we hear laughter and applause from the studio audience. She hears something else - a faint scraping sound - and looks up. HOST Okay, here goes nothing. The scraping sound persists. Jean sets down her coffee cup and rises. From the studio audience: AUDIENCE Awoooo! KITCHEN We track toward the back door. A curtain is stretched tight across its window. Jean pulls the curtain back. Bright sunlight amplified by snow floods in. A man in an orange ski mask looks up from the lock. Jean gasps, drops the curtain, rutns and runs into - - a taller man, also in a ski mask, already in the house. We hear the crack of the back-door window being smashed. The tall man - Gaear Grimsrud - grabs Jean's wrist. She screams, staring at her own imprisoned wrist, then wraps her gaping mouth around Grimsrud's gloved thumb and bites down hard. He drops her wrist. As Carl enters, she races up the stairs. GRIMSRUD Unguent. CARL Huh? Grimsurd looks at his thumb. GRIMSRUD I need ... unguent. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM As the two men enter, a door at the far side is slamming shut. A cord snakes in under the door. MASTER BATHROOM Jean, sobbing, frantically pushes at buttons on the princess phone. The phone pops out of her hands, jangles across the tile floor, smashes against the door and then bounces away, its cord ripped free. With a groaning sound, the door shifts in its frame. BEDROOM Grimsrud has a crowbar jammed in between the bathroom door and frame, and is working it. BATHROOM Jean crosses to a high window above the toilet and throws it open. Snow that had drifted against the window sifts lightly in. Jean steps up onto the toilet. The door creaks, moving as one piece in its frame. Jean glances back as she steps up from the toilet seat to the tank. The groaning of the door ends with the wood around its knob splintering and the knob itself falling out onto the floor. The door swings open. Grimsrud and Carl enter. THEIR POV Room empty, window open. Carl strides to the window and hoists himself out. Grimsrud opens the medicine cabinet and delicately taps aside various bottles and tubes, seeking the proper unguent. He finds a salve but after a moment sets it down, noticing something in the mirror. The shower curtain is drawn around the tub. He steps toward it. As he reaches for the curtain, it explodes outward, animated by thrashing limbs. Jean, screaming, tangled in the curtain, rips it off its rings and stumbles out into the bedroom. Grimsrud follows. BEDROOM Jean rushes toward the door, cloaked by the shower curtain but awkwardly trying to push it off. UPSTAIRS LANDING Still thrashing, Jean crashes against the upstairs railing, trips on the curtain and falls, thumping crazily down the stairs. Grimsrud trots down after her. A PLAQUE: WADE GUSTAFSON INCORPORTATED INT. WADE'S OFFICE Wade sits behind his desk; another man rises as Jerry enters. JERRY How ya doin' there, Stan? How are ya, Wade? Stan Grossman shakes his hand. STAN Good to see ya again, Jerry. If these numbers are right, this looks pretty sweet. JERRY Oh, those numbers are all right, bleemee. WADE This is do-able. STAN Congratulations, Jerry. JERRY Yah, thanks, Stan, it's a pretty - WADE What kind of finder's fee were you looking for? JERRY ... Huh? STAN The financials are pretty thorough, so the only thing we don't know is your fee. JERRY ... My fee? Wade, what the heck're you talkin' about? WADE Stan and I're okay. JERRY Yah. WADE We're good to loan in. JERRY Yah. WADE But we never talked about your fee for bringin' it to us. JERRY No, but, Wade, see, I was bringin' you this deal for you to loan me the money to put in. It's my deal here, see? Wade scowls, looks at Stan. STAN Jerry - we thought you were bringin' us an investment. JERRY Yah, right - STAN You're sayin' - what're you sayin'? WADE You're sayin' that we put in all the money and you collect when it pays off? JERRY No, no. I - I'd, I'd - pay you back the principal, and interest - heck, I'd go - one over prime - STAN We're not a bank, Jerry. Wade is angry. WADE What the heck, Jerry, if I wanted bank interest on seven hunnert'n fifty thousand I'd go to Midwest Federal. Talk to Bill Diehl. STAN He's at Norstar. WADE He's at - JERRY No, see, I don't need a finder's fee, I need - finder's fee's, what, ten percent, heck that's not gonna do it for me. I need the principal. STAN Jerry, we're not just going to give you seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. WADE What the heck were you thinkin'? Heck, if I'm only gettin' bank interest, I'd look for complete security. Heck, FDIC. I don't see nothin' like that here. JERRY Yah, but I - okay, I would, I'd guarantee ya your money back. WADE I'm not talkin' about your damn word, Jerry. Geez, what the heck're you?... Well, look, I don't want to cut you out of the loop, but his here's a good deal. I assume, if you're not innarested, you won't mind if we move on it independently. PARKING LOT We are high and wide on the office building's parking lot. Jerry emerges wrapped in a parka, his arms sticking stiffly out at his sides, his breath vaporizing. He goes to his car, opens its front door, pulls out a red plastic scraper and starts methodically scraping off the thin crust of ice that has developed on his windshield. The scrape-scrape-scrape sound carries in the frigid air. Jerry goes into a frenzy, banging the scraper against the windshield and the hood of his car. The tantrum passes. Jerry stands pantin, staring at nothing in particular. Scrape-scrape-scrape - he goes back to work on the windshield. FRONT DOOR A beat, silent but for a key scraping at the lock. The door swings open and Jerry edges in, looking about, holding a sack of groceries. JERRY Hon? He shuts the door. JERRY ... Got the growshries... He has already seen the shower curtain on the floor. He frowns, pokes at it with his foot. JERRY ... Hon? UPSTAIRS BATHROOM Jerry walks in. He sets the groceries down on the toilet tank. He looks at the open window, through which snow still sifts in. He shuts it. He picks up the small tube of uguent that sits on the sink, frowns at it, puts it back in the medicine chest. He looks at the shower curtain rod holding empty rings. FOYER Once again we are looking at the rumpled shower curtain. From another room: JERRY Yah, Wade, I - it's Jerry, I. Then, slightly more agitated. JERRY ... Yah, Wade, it's, I, it's Jerry... Beat. JERRY ... Wade, it's Jerry, I - we gotta talk, Wade, it's terrible... Beat. LIVING ROOM Jerry stands in wide shot, hands on hips, looking down at a telephone. After a motionless beat he picks up the phone and punches in a number. JERRY ... Yah, Wade Gustafson, please. BLACK Hold in black. A slow tilt down from night sky brings the head of a large paper-mache figure into frame. It is a flannel-shirt woodsman carrying a double-edged ax over one shoulder. As we hear the rumble of an approaching car, the continuing tilt and boom down brings us down the woodsman's body to a pedestal. A sweep of headlights illuminates a sign on the pedestal: WELCOME TO BRAINDERD - HOME OF PAUL BUNYAN. The headlights sweep off and a car hums past and on into the background. The two-lane highway is otherwise empty. INT. CAR Carl drives. Grimsrud smokes and gazes out the window. From the back seat we hear whimpering. Grimsrud turns to look. Jean lies bound and curled on the back seat underneath a tarpaulin. GRIMSRUD Shut the fuck up or I'll throw you back in the trunk, you know. CARL Geez. That's more'n I've heard you say all week. Grimsrud stares at him, then turns back to the window. At a loud WHOOP Carl starts and looks back out the rear window. Fifty yards behind a state trooper has turned on his gumballs. Carl eases the car onto the shoulder. CARL Ah, shit, the tags... Grimsrud looks at him. CARL ... It's just the tags. I never put my tags on the car. Don't worry, I'll take care of this. He looks into the back seat as the car bounces and slows on the gravel shoulder. CARL ... Let's keep still back there, lady, or we're gonna have to, ya know, to shoot ya. Grimsrud stares at Carl. CARL ... Hey! I'll take care of this! Both cars have stopped. Carl looks up at the rear-view mirror. The trooper is stopped on the shoulder just behind them, writing in his citation book. Carl watches. We hear the trooper's door open. The trooper walks up the shoulder, one hand resting lightly on top of his holster, his breath steaming in the cold night air. Carl opens his window as the trooper draws up. CARL How can I help you, officer? The trooper scans the inside of the car, taking his time. Grimsrud smokes and gazes calmly out his window. Finally: TROOPER This is a new car, then, sir? CARL It certainly is, officer. Still got that smell! TROOPER You're required to display temporary tags, either in the plate area or taped inside the back window. CARL Certainly - TROOPER Can I see your license and registration please? CARL Certainly. He reaches for his wallet. CARL ... I was gonna tape up the temporary tag, ya know, to be in full compliance, but it, uh, it, uh ... must a slipped my mind... He extends his wallet toward the trooper, a folded fifty- dollar bill protruding from it. CARL ... So maybe the best thing would be to take care of that, right here in Brainerd. TROOPER What's this, sir? CARL That's my license and regis- tration. I wanna be in compliance. He forces a laugh. CARL ... I was just thinking I could take care of it right here. In Brainerd. The policeman thoughtfully pats the fifty into the billfold and hands the billfold back into the car. TROOPER Put that back in your pocket, please. Carl's nervous smile fades. TROOPER ... And step out of the car, please, sir. Grimsrud, smiling thinly, shakes his head. There is a whimpering sound. The policeman hesitates. Another sound. The policeman leans forward into the car, listening. Grimsrud reaches across Carl, grabs the trooper by the hair and slams his head down onto the car door. The policeman grunts, digs awkwardly for footing outside and throws an arm for balance against the outside of the car. With his free hand, Grimsrud pops the glove compartment. He brings a gun out and reaches across Carl and shoots - BANG - into the back of the trooper's head. Jean screams. GRIMSRUD Shut up. He releases the policeman. The policeman's head slides out the window and his body flops back onto the street. Carl looks out at the cop in the road. CARL (softly) Whoa... Whoa, Daddy. Grimsrud takes the trooper's hat off of Carl's lap and sails it out the open window. GRIMSRUD You'll take care of it. Boy, you are smooth smooth, you know. CARL Whoa, Daddy. Jean, for some reason, screams again. Then stops. GRIMSRUD Clear him off the road. CARL Yeah. He gets out. EXT. ROAD Carl leans down to hoist up the body. Headlights appear: an oncoming car. INT. CIERA Grimsrud notices. EXT. ROAD The car approaches, slowing. Carl, with the trooper's body hoisted halfway up, is frozen in the headlights. The car accelerates and roars past and away. We just make out the silhouettes of two occupants in front. INT. CIERA Grimsrud slides into the driver's seat. He squeals into a U- turn, the driver's door slamming shut with his spin. Small red tail lights fishtail up ahead. The pursued car churns up fine snow. Grimsrud takes the cigarette from his mouth and stubs it in his ashtray. We hear the churning of the car wheels and the pinging of snow clods and salt on the car's underside. In the back seat, Jean starts screaming. Grimsrud is not gaining on the tail lights. He fights with the wheel as his car swims on the road face. The red tail lights ahead start to turn. With a distant crunching sound, they disappear. The headlights now show only empty road, starting to turn. Grimsrud frowns and slows. His headlights show the car up ahead off the road, crumpled around a telephone pole, having failed to hold a turn. Grimsrud brakes. Jean slides off the back seat and thumps into the legwell. Grimsrud sweeps his gun off the front seat, throws open his door and gets out. EXT. ROAD The wrecked car's headlights shine off into a snowfield abutting the highway. A young man in a down parka is limping across the snowfield, away from the wrecked car. Grimsrud strides calmly out after the injured boy. He raises his gun and fires. With a poof of feathers, a hole opens up in the boy's back and he pitches into the snow. Grimsrud walks up to the wreck and peers in its half-open door. A young woman is trapped inside the twisted wreckage, injured. Snow swirls in the headlights of the wreck. Grimsrud raises his gun and fires. AN OIL PAINTING A blue-winged teal in flight over a swampy marshland. The room in which it hangs is dark. We hear off-screen snoring. We track off to reveal an easel upon which we see a half- completed oil of a grey mallard. The continuing track reveals a couple in bed, sleeping. The man, fortyish, pajama-clad, is big, and big-bellied. His mouth is agape. He snores. His arms are flung over a woman in her thirties, wearing a nightie, mouth also open, not snoring. We hold for a long beat on their regular breathing and snoring. The phone rings. The woman stirs. WOMAN Oh, geez... She reaches for the phone. WOMAN ... Hi, it's Marge... The man stirs and clears his throat with a long deep rumble. MARGE ... Oh, my. Where?... Yah... Oh, geez... The man sits up, gazes stupidly about. MARGE ... Okay. There in a jif... Real good, then. She hangs up. MARGE ... You can sleep, hon. It's early yet. MAN Gotta go? MARGE Yah. The man swings his legs out. MAN I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE That's okay, hon. I gotta run. MAN Gotta eat a breakfast, Marge. I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE Aw, you can sleep, hon. MAN Ya gotta eat a breakfast... He clears his throat with another deep rumble. MAN ... I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE Aw, Norm. PLATE Leavings of a huge plate of eggs, ham, toast. Wider, we see Marge now wearing a beige police uniform. A patch on one arm says BRAINERD POLICE DEPARTMENT. She wears a heavy belt holding a revolver, walkie-talkie and various other jangling police impedimenta. Norm is in a dressing gown. MARGE Thanks, hon. Time to shove off. NORM Love ya, Margie. As she struggles into a parka: MARGE Love ya, hon. He is exiting back to the bedroom; she exits out the front door. EXT. GUNDERSON HOUSE Dawn. Marge is making her way down the icy front stoop to her prowler. INT. GUNDERSON HOUSE Norm sits back onto the bed, shrugging off his robe. Off- screen we hear the front door open. FRONT DOOR Marge stamps the snow off her shoes. MARGE Hon? NORM (off) Yah? MARGE Prowler needs a jump. HIGHWAY Two police cars and an ambulance sit idling at the side of the road, a pair of men inside each car. The first car's driver door opens and a figure in a parka emerges, holding two styrofoam cups. His partner leans across the seat to close the door after him. The reverse shows Marge approaching from her own squad car. MARGE Hiya, Lou. LOU Margie. Thought you might need a little warm-up. He hands her one of the cups of coffee. MARGE Yah, thanks a bunch. So what's the deal, now? Gary says triple homicide? LOU Yah, looks pretty bad. Two of'm're over here. Marge looks around as they start walking. MARGE Where is everybody? LOU Well - it's cold, Margie. BY THE WRECK Laid out in the early morning light is the wrecked car, a pair of footprints leading out to a man in a bright orange parka face down in the bloodstained snow, and one pair of footsteps leading back to the road. Marge is peering into the car. MARGE Ah, geez. So... Aw, geez. Here's the second one... It's in the head and the ... hand there, I guess that's a defensive wound. Okay. Marge looks up from the car. MARGE ... Where's the state trooper? Lou, up on the shoulder, jerks his thumb. LOU Back there a good piece. In the ditch next to his prowler. Marge looks around at the road. MARGE Okay, so we got a state trooper pulls someone over, we got a shooting, and these folks drive by, and we got a high-speed pursuit, ends here, and this execution-type deal. LOU Yah. MARGE I'd be very surprised if our suspect was from Brainerd. LOU Yah. Marge is studying the ground. MARGE Yah. And I'll tell you what, from his footprints he looks like a big fella - Marge suddenly doubles over, putting her head between her knees down near the snow. LOU Ya see something down there, Chief? MARGE Uh - I just, I think I'm gonna barf. LOU Geez, you okay, Margie? MARGE I'm fine - it's just morning sickness. She gets up, sweeping snow from her knees. MARGE ... Well, that passed. LOU Yah? MARGE Yah. Now I'm hungry again. LOU You had breakfast yet, Margie? MARGE Oh, yah. Norm made some eggs. LOU Yah? Well, what now, d'ya think? MARGE Let's go take a look at that trooper. BY THE STATE TROOPER'S CAR Marge's prowler is parked nearby. Marge is on her hands and knees by a body down in the ditch, again looking at footprints in the snow. She calls up to the road: MARGE There's two of 'em, Lou! LOU Yah? MARGE Yah, this guy's smaller than his buddy. LOU Oh, yah? DOWN IN THE DITCH In the foreground is the head of the state trooper, facing us. Peering at it from behind, still on her hands and knees, is Marge. MARGE For Pete's sake. She gets up, clapping the snow off her hands, and climbs out of the ditch. LOU How's it look, Marge? MARGE Well, he's got his gun on his hip there, and he looks like a nice enough guy. It's a real shame. LOU Yah. MARGE You haven't monkeyed with his car there, have ya? LOU No way. She is looking at the prowler, which still idles on the shoulder. MARGE Somebody shut his lights. I guess the little guy sat in there, waitin' for his buddy t'come back. LOU Yah, woulda been cold out here. MARGE Heck, yah. Ya think, is Dave open yet? LOU You don't think he's mixed up in - MARGE No, no, I just wanna get Norm some night crawlers. INT. PROWLER Marge is driving; Lou sits next to her. MARGE You look in his citation book? LOU Yah... He looks at his notebook. LOU ... Last vehicle he wrote in was a tan Ciera at 2:18 a.m. Under the plate number he put DLR - I figure they stopped him or shot him before he could finish fillin' out the tag number. MARGE Uh-huh. LOU So I got the state lookin' for a Ciera with a tag startin' DLR. They don't got no match yet. MARGE I'm not sure I agree with you a hunnert percent on your policework, there, Lou. LOU Yah? MARGE Yah, I think that vehicle there probly had dealer plates. DLR? LOU Oh... Lou gazes out the window, thinking. LOU ... Geez. MARGE Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685? LOU Yah, that's a good one. MARGE Yah. THE ROAD The police car enters with a whoosh and hums down a straight- ruled empty highway, cutting a landscape of flat and perfect white. EMBERS FAMILY RESTAURANT Jerry, Wade, and Stan Grossman sit in a booth, sipping coffee. Outside the window, snow falls from a gunmetal sky. WADE - All's I know is, ya got a problem, ya call a professional! JERRY No! They said no cops! They were darned clear on that, Wade! They said you call the cops and we - WADE Well, a course they're gonna say that! But where's my protection? They got Jean here! I give these sons a bitches a million dollars, where's my guarantee they're gonna let her go. JERRY Well, they - WADE A million dollars is a lot a damn money! And there they are, they got my daughter! JERRY Yah, but think this thing through here, Wade. Ya give 'em what they want, why wont' they let her go? You gotta listen to me on this one, Wade. WADE Heck, you don't know! You're just whistlin' Dixie here! I'm sayin', the cops, they can advise us on this! I'm sayin' call a professional! JERRY No! No cops! That's final! This is my deal here, Wade! Jean is my wife here! STAN I gotta tell ya, Wade, I'm leanin' to Jerry's viewpoint here. WADE Well - STAN We gotta protect Jean. These - we're not holdin' any cards here, Wade, they got all of 'em. So they call the shots. JERRY You're darned tootin'! WADE Ah, dammit! STAN I'm tellin' ya. WADE Well... Why don't we... He saws a finger under his nose. WADE ... Stan, I'm thinkin' we should offer 'em half a million. JERRY Now come on here, no way, Wade! No way! STAN We're not horse-trading here, Wade, we just gotta bite the bullet on this thing. JERRY Yah! STAN What's the next step here, Jerry? JERRY They're gonna call, give me instructions for a drop. I'm supposed to have the money ready tomorrow. WADE Dammit! THE CASHIER She rings up two dollars forty. CASHIER How was everything today? JERRY Yah, real good now. PARKING LOT Snow continues to fall. Jerry and Stan stand bundled in their parkas and galoshes near a row of beached vehicles. Wade sits behind the wheel of an idling Lincoln, waiting for Stan. STAN Okay. We'll get the money together. Don't worry about it, Jerry. Now, d'you want anyone at home, with you, until they call? JERRY No, I - they don't want - they're just s'posed to be dealin' with me, they were real clear. STAN Yah. Jerry pounds his mittened hands together against the cold. JERRY Ya know, they said no one listenin' in, they'll be watchin', ya know. Maybe it's all bull, but like you said, Stan, they're callin' the shots. STAN Okay. And Scotty, is he gonna be all right? JERRY Yah, geez, Scotty. I'll go talk to him. There is a tap at the horn from Wade, and Stan gets into the Lincoln. STAN We'll call. The Lincoln spits snow as it grinds out of the lot and fishtails out onto the boulevard. SCOTTY'S BEDROOM Scotty lies on the bed, weeping. Jerry enters and perches uncomfortably on the edge of his bed. JERRY ... How ya doin' there, Scotty? SCOTT Dad! What're they doing? Wuddya think they're doin' with Mom? JERRY It's okay, Scotty. They're not gonna want to hurt her any. These men, they just want money, see. SCOTT What if - what if sumpn goes wrong? JERRY No, no, nothin's goin' wrong here. Grandad and I, we're - we're makin' sure this gets handled right. Scott snorfles and sits up. SCOTT Dad, I really think we should call the cops. JERRY No! We can't let anyone know about this thing! We gotta play ball with these guys - you ask Stan Grossman, he'll tell ya the same thing! SCOTT Yeah, but - JERRY We're gonna get Mom back for ya, but we gotta play ball. Ya know, that's the deal. Now if Lorraine calls, or Sylvia, you just say that Mom is in Florida with Pearl and Marty... Scotty starts to weep again. Jerry stares down at his lap. JERRY ... That's the best we can do here. EXT. CABIN It is a lakeside cabin surrounded by white. A brown Ciera with dealer plates is pulling into the drive. Grimsrud climbs out of the passenger seat as Carl climbs out of the driver's. Grimsrud opens the back door and, with an arm on her elbow, helps Jean out. She has her hands tied behind her and a black hood over her head. With a cry, she swings her elbow out of Grimsrud's grasp and lurches away across the front lawn. Grimsrud moves to retrieve her but Carl, grinning, lays a hand on his shoulder. CARL Hold it. They both look out at the front lawn, Grimsrud expressionless, Carl smiling. With muffled cries, the hooded woman lurches across the unbroken snow, staggering this way and that, stumbling on the uneven terrain. She stops, stands still, her hooded head swaying. She lurches out in an arbitrary direction. Going downhill, she reels, staggers, and falls face-first into the snow, weeping. CARL Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Jesus! Grimsrud, still expressionless, breaks away from Carl's restraining hand to retrieve her. BRAINERD POLICE HEADQUARTERS We track behind Marge as she makes her way across the floor, greeting various officers. She holds a small half-full paper sack. Beyond her we see a small glassed-in cublcle. Norm sits at the desk inside with a box lunch spread out in front of him. There is lettering on the cubicle's glass door: BRAINERD PD. CHIEF GUNDERSON. Marge enters and sits behind the desk, detaching her walkie- talkie from her utility belt to accomodate the seat. MARGE Hiya, hon. She slides the paper sack toward him. NORM Brought ya some lunch, Margie. What're those, night crawlers? He looks inside. The bottom of the sack is full of fat, crawling earthworms. MARGE Yah. NORM Thanks, hon. MARGE You bet. Thanks for lunch. What do we got here, Arbie's? NORM Uh-huh. She starts eating. MARGE ... How's the paintin' goin'? NORM Pretty good. Found out the Hautmans are entering a painting this year. MARGE Aw, hon, you're better'n them. NORM They're real good. MARGE They're good, Norm, but you're better'n them. NORM Yah, ya think? He leans over and kisses her. MARGE Ah, ya got Arbie's all o'er me. Lou enters. LOU Hiya, Norm, how's the paintin' goin'? NORM Not too bad. You know. MARGE How we doin' on that vehicle? LOU No motels registered any tan Ciera last night. But the night before, two men checked into the Blue Ox registering a Ciera and leavin' the tag space blank. MARGE Geez, that's a good lead. The Blue Ox, that's that trucker's joint out there on I-35? LOU Yah. Owner was on the desk then, said these two guys had company. MARGE Oh, yah? EXT. STRIPPER CLUB Marge's prowler is parked in an otherwise empty lot. Snow drifts down. INT. STRIPPER CLUB Marge sits talking with two young women at one end of an elevated dance platform. The club, not yet open for business, is deserted. MARGE Where you girls from? HOOKER ONE Chaska. HOOKER TWO LeSeure. But I went to high school in White Bear Lake. MARGE Okay, I want you to tell me what these fellas looked like. HOOKER ONE Well, the little guy, he was kinda funny-looking. MARGE In what way? HOOKER ONE I dunno. Just funny-looking. MARGE Can you be any more specific? HOOKER ONE I couldn't really say. He wasn't circumcised. MARGE Was he funny-looking apart from that? HOOKER ONE Yah. MARGE So you were having sex with the little fella, then? HOOKER ONE Uh-huh. MARGE Is there anything else you can tell me about him? HOOKER ONE No. Like I say, he was funny-looking. More'n most people even. MARGE And what about the other fella? HOOKER TWO He was a little older. Looked like the Marlboro man. MARGE Yah? HOOKER TWO Yah. Maybe I'm sayin' that cause he smoked Marlboros. MARGE Uh-huh. HOOKER TWO A subconscious-type thing. MARGE Yah, that can happen. HOOKER TWO Yah. HOOKER ONE They said they were goin' to the Twin Cities? MARGE Oh, yah? HOOKER TWO Yah. HOOKER ONE Yah. Is that useful to ya? MARGE Oh, you bet, yah. EXT. LAKESIDE CABIN It is now dusk. The brown Ciera with dealer plates still sits in the drive. INT. CABIN We track in on Jean Lundegaard, who sits tied in a chair with the black hood still over her head. As we track in, we hear inarticulate cursing, intermittent banging and loud static. We track in on Gaear Grimsrud, who sits smoking a cigarette and expressionlessly gazing offscreen. We track in on Carl Showalter, who stands over an old black- and-white television. It plays nothing but snow. Carl is banging on it as he mutters: CARL ...days ... be here for days with a - DAMMIT! - a goddamn mute ... nothin' to do ... and the fucking - DAMMIT!... Each "dammit" brings a pound of his fist on the TV. CARL ... TV doesn't even ... plug me in, man... Gimmee a - DAMMIT! - signal... Plug me into the ozone, baby... Plug me into the ozone - FUCK!... With one last bang we cut: BACK TO THE TELEVISION SET In extreme close-up an insect is lugging a worm. TV VOICE-OVER The bark beetle carries the worm to the nest ... where it will feed its young for up to six weeks... A pull back from the screen reveals that we are in Marge's house. Marge and Norm are watching television in bed. From the TV we hear insects chirring. After a long beat, silence except for the TV, Marge murmurs, still looking at the set: MARGE ... Well, I'm turnin' in, Norm. Also looking at the TV: NORM ... Oh, yah? Marge rolls over and Norm continues to watch. We hold. BLACK Hold. A snowflake drops through the black. Another flake. It starts snowing. BRAINERD MAIN STREET The lone traffic light blinks slowly, steadily, red. Snow sifts down. There is no other movement. PAUL BUNYAN We are looking up at the bottom-lit statue. Snow falls. HIGH SHOT OF MARGE'S HOUSE Snow drops away. HIGH SHOT IN MARGE'S BEDROOM The bedroom is dark. Norm is snoring. The phone rings. Marge gropes in the dark. MARGE Hello? VOICE Yah, is this Marge? MARGE Yah? VOICE Margie Olmstead? MARGE ... Well, yah. Who's this? VOICE This is Mike Yanagita. Ya know - Mike Yanagita. Remember me? MARGE ... Mike Yanagita! MIKE Yah! Marge props herself up next to the still-sleeping Norm. MARGE Yah, yah, course I remember. How are ya? What time is it? MIKE Oh, geez. It's quarter to eleven. I hope I dint wake you. MARGE No, that's okay. MIKE Yah, I'm down in the Twin Cities and I was just watching on TV about these shootings up in Brainderd, and I saw you on the news there. MARGE Yah. MIKE I thought, geez, is that Margie Olmstead? I can't believe it! MARGE Yah, that's me. MIKE Well, how the heck are ya? MARGE Okay, ya know. Okay. MIKE Yah? MARGE Yah - how are you doon? MIKE Oh, pretty good. MARGE Heck, it's been such a long time, Mike. It's great to hear from ya. MIKE Yah... Yah, yah. Geeze, Margie! GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is on the sales floor, showing a customer a vehicle. JERRY Yah, ya got yer, this loaded here, this has yer independent, uh, yer slipped differential, uh, yer rack- and-pinion steering, yer alarm and radar, and I can give it to ya with a heck of a sealant, this TruCoat stuff, it'll keep the salt off - CUSTOMER Yah, I don't need no sealant though. JERRY Yah, you don't need that. Now were you thinking of financing here? You oughta be aware a this GMAC plan they have now, it's really super - ANOTHER SALESMAN Jerry, ya got a call here. JERRY Yah, okay. JERRY'S CUBICLE He sits in and picks up his phone. JERRY Jerry Lundegaard. VOICE All right, Jerry, you got this phone to yourself? JERRY Well ... yah. VOICE Know who this is? JERRY Well, yah, I got an idea. How's that Ciera workin' out for ya? VOICE Circumstances have changed, Jerry. JERRY Well, what do ya mean? VOICE Things have changed. Circumstances, Jerry. Beyond the, uh ... acts of God, force majeure... JERRY What the - how's Jean? A beat. CARL ... Who's Jean? JERRY My wife! What the - how's - CARL Oh, Jean's okay. But there's three people up in Brainerd who aren't so okay, I'll tell ya that. JERRY What the heck're you talkin' about? Let's just finish up this deal here - CARL Blood has been shed, Jerry. Jerry sits dumbly. The voice solemnly repeats: CARL ... Blood has been shed. JERRY What the heck d'ya mean? CARL Three people. In Brainerd. JERRY Oh, geez. CARL That's right. And we need more money. JERRY The heck d'ya mean? What a you guys got yourself mixed up in? CARL We need more - JERRY This was s'posed to be a no-rough -stuff-type deal - CARL DON'T EVER INTERRUPT ME, JERRY! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! JERRY Well, I'm sorry, but I just - I - CARL Look. I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. The price is now the whole amount. We want the entire eighty thousand. JERRY Oh, for Chrissakes here - CARL Blood has been shed. We've incurred risks, Jerry. I'm coming into town tomorrow. Have the money ready. JERRY Now we had a deal here! A deal's a deal! CARL IS IT, JERRY? You ask those three pour souls up in Brainerd if a deal's a deal! Go ahead, ask 'em! JERRY ... The heck d'ya mean? CARL I'll see you tomorrow. Click. Jerry slams down the phone, which immediately rings. He angrily snatches it up. JERRY Yah! VOICE Jerome Lundegaard? JERRY Yah! VOICE This is Reilly Deifenbach at GMAC. Sir, I have not yet recieved those vehicle IDs you promised me. JERRY Yah! I ... those are in the mail. VOICE Mr. Lundegaard, that very well may be. I must inform you, however, that absent the reciept of those numbers by tomorrow afternoon, I will have to refer this matter to our legal department. JERRY Yah. VOICE My patience is at an end. JERRY Yah. VOICE Good day, sir. JERRY ... Yah. WIDE ON THE CUBICLE We are looking at Jerry's cubicle from across the showroom. Noise muted by distance, we watch Jerry slam down the reciever, rise to his feet, fling the phone to the floor, raise his desk blotter high over his head with pens and pencils rolling off it and slam it onto his desktop. He stands for a moment, hands on hips, glaring. He stoops and picks up the phone, places it back on the desktop, starts picking up the pens and pencils. TRACK On steam-table bins of food, each identified by a plaque: BEEF STROGANOFF, SWEDISH MEATBALLS, BROILED TORSK, CHICKEN FLORENTINE. A complementary track shows two rays being pushed along a buffet line, piled high with many foods. MARGE AND NORM AT A TABLE They sit next to each other at a long cafateria-style Formica table, silently eating. A hip with a hissing walkie-talkie enters frame. GARY Hiya, Norm. How ya doin', Margie? How's the fricasse? MARGE Pretty darn good, ya want some? GARY No, I gotta - hey, Norm, I thought you were goin' fishin' up at Mile Lacs? NORM Yah, after lunch. He goes back to his food. MARGE Whatcha got there? Gary hands her a flimsy. Marge takes it with one hand and looks, her other hand frozen with a forkful of food. GARY The numbers y'asked for, calls made from the lobby pay phone at the Blue Ox. Two to Minneapolis that night. MARGE Mm. GARY First one's a trucking company, second one's a private residence. A Shep Proudfoot. MARGE Uh-huh... A what? GARY Shep Proudfoot. That's a name. MARGE Uh-huh. GARY Yah. MARGE ... Yah, okay, I think I'll drive down there, then. GARY Oh, yah? Twin Cities? Norm, who has been eating steadily throughout, looks over at Marge with mild interest. He stares for a beat as he finishes chewing, and them swallows and says: NORM ... Oh, yah? KITCHEN OF LUNDEGAARD HOUSE Jerry, Wade, and Stan Grossman sit around the kitchen table. It is night. The scene is harshly toplit by a hanging fixture. On the table are the remains of coffee and a cinammon filbert ring. WADE Dammit! I wanna be a part a this thing! JERRY No, Wade! They were real clear! They said they'd call tomorrow, with instructions, and it's gonna be delivered by me alone! WADE It's my money, I'll deliver it - what do they care? STAN Wade's got a point there. I'll handle the call if you want, Jerry. JERRY No, no. See - they, no, see, they only deal with me. Ya feel this, this nervousness on the phone there, they're very - these guys're dangerous - WADE All the more reason! I don't want you - with all due respect, Jerry - I don't want you mucking this up. JERRY The heck d'ya mean? WADE They want my money, they can deal with me. Otherwise I'm goin' to a professional. He points at a briefcase. WADE ... There's a million dollars here! JERRY No, see - WADE Look, Jerry, you're not sellin' me a damn car. It's my show here. That's that. STAN It's the way we prefer to handle it, Jerry. THE DOWNTOWN RADISSON HOTEL Marge is at the reception desk. MARGE How ya doin'? CLERK Real good. How're you today, ma'am? MARGE Real good. I'm Mrs. Gunderson, I have a reservation. The clerk types into a computer console. CLERK You sure do, Mrs. Gunderson. MARGE Is there a phone down here, ya think? LOBBY CORNER Marge is on a public phone. MARGE ... Detective Sibert? Yah, this is Marge Gunderson from up Brainerd, we spoke - Yah. Well, actually I'm in town here. I had to do a few things in the Twin Cities, so I thought I'd check in with ya about that USIF search on Shep Proudfoot... Oh, yah?... Well, maybe I'll go visit with him if I have the... No, I can find that... Well, thanks a bunch. Say, d'ya happen to know a good place for lunch in the downtown area?... Yah, the Radisson... Oh, yah? Is it reasonable? A GREEN FREEWAY SIGN Through a windshield we see a sign for the MINNEAPOLIS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT. ROOFTOP PARKING LOT The brown Ciera enters and drives lazy S-curves around the few snow-covered cars parked on the roof of the lot. It stops by one car and Carl emerges. He quickly scans the lot, then kneels in the snow at the back of the parked car and starts unscrewing its license plate. EXIT BOOTH Carl pulls up and hands the attendant his ticket. CARL Yeah, I decided not to park here. The attendant frowns uncomprehendingly at the ticket. ATTENDANT ... What do you mean, you decided not to park here? CARL Yeah, I just came in. I decided not to park here. The attendant is still puzzled. ATTENDANT You, uh... I'm sorry, sir, but - CARL I decided not to - I'm, uh, not taking the trip as it turns out. ATTENDANT I'm sorry, sir, we do have to charge you the four dollars. CARL I just pulled in here. I just fucking pulled in here! ATTENDANT Well, see, there's a minimum charge of four dollars. Long-term parking charges by the day. A car behind beeps. Carl glances back, starts digging for money. CARL I guess you think, ya know, you're an authority figure. With that stupid fucking uniform. Huh, buddy? The attendant doesn't say anything. CARL ... King Clip-on Tie here. Big fucking man. He is peeling off one dollar bills. CARL ... You know, these are the limits of your life, man. Ruler of your little fucking gate here. There's your four dollars. You pathetic piece of shit. GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is staring up, mouth agape, at the underside of a car on a hydraulic lift. Bewildered, he looks about, then asks a mechanic passing by, his voice raised over the din of the shop. JERRY Where's Shep? The mechanic points. MECHANIC Talkin' to a cop. Jerry looks. JERRY ... Cop? Marge and Shep face each other at the other end of the floor in a grimy and cluttered glassed-in cubicle. MECHANIC Said she was a policewoman. Marge and Shep silently talk. Jerry stares, swallows. INSIDE THE CUBICLE MARGE - Wednesday night? Shep is shaking his head. SHEP Nope. MARGE Well, you do reside their at 1425 Fremont Terrace? SHEP Yep. MARGE Anyone else residing there? SHEP Nope. MARGE Well, Mr. Proudfoot, this call came in past three in the morning. It's just hard for me to believe you can't remember anyone calling. Shep says nothing. MARGE ... Now, I know you've had some problems, struggling with the narcotics, some other entanglements, currently on parole - SHEP So? MARGE Well, associating with criminals, if you're the one they talked to, that right there would be a violation of your parole and would end with you back in Stillwater. SHEP Uh-huh. MARGE Now, I saw some rough stuff on your priors, but nothing in the nature of a homicide... Shep stares at her. MARGE ... I know you don't want to be an accessory to something like that. SHEP Nope. MARGE So you think you might remember who those folks were who called ya? JERRY'S OFFICE Jerry is worriedly pacing behind his desk. At a noise he looks up. Marge has stuck her head in the door. MARGE Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY Huh? Yah? MARGE I wonder if I could take just a minute of your time here - JERRY What... What is it all about? MARGE Huh? Do you mind if I sit down - I'm carrying quite a load here. Marge plops into the chair opposite him. MARGE ... You're the owner here, Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY Naw, I... Executive Sales Manager. MARGE Well, you can help me. My name's Marge Gunderson - JERRY My father-in-law, he's the owner. MARGE Uh-huh. Well, I'm a police officer from up Brainerd investigating some malfeasance and I was just wondering if you've had any new vehicles stolen off the lot in the past couple of weeks - specifically a tan Cutlass Ciera? Jerry stares at her, his mouth open. MARGE ... Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY ... Brainerd? MARGE Yah. Yah. Home a Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. JERRY ... Babe the Blue Ox? MARGE Yah, ya know we've got the big statue there. So you haven't had any vehicles go missing, then? JERRY No. No, ma'am. MARGE Okey-dokey, thanks a bunch. I'll let you get back to your paperwork, then. As Marge rises, Jerry looks blankly down at the papers on the desk in front of him. JERRY ... Yah, okay. He looks up at Marge's retreating back. He looks back down at the papers. He looks over at the phone. he picks up the phone and dials four digits. JERRY ... Yah, gimmee Shep... The heck d'ya mean?... Well, where'd he go? It's only... No, I don't need a mechanic - oh, geez - I gotta talk to a friend of his, so, uh ... have him, uh ... oh, geez... HOTEL BAR Marge enters. She looks around the bar, a rather characterless, lowlit meeting place for business people. VOICE Marge? It is a bald, paunching man of about Marge's age, rising from a booth halfway back. His features are broad, friendly, Asian-American. MARGE Mike! He approaches somewhat carefully, as if on his second drink. They hug and head back toward the booth. MIKE Geez! You look great! MARGE Yah - easy there - you do too! I'm expecting, ya know. MIKE I see that! That's great! A waitress meets them at the table. MIKE ... What can I get ya? MARGE Just a Diet Coke. Again she glances about. MARGE ... This is a nice place. MIKE Yah, ya know it's the Radisson, so it's pretty good. MARGE You're livin' in Edina, then? MIKE Oh, yah, couple years now. It's actually Eden Prarie - that school district. So Chief Gunderson, then! So ya went and married Norm Son-of- a-Gunderson! MARGE Oh, yah, a long time ago. MIKE Great. What brings ya down - are ya down here on that homicide - if you're allowed, ya know, to discuss that? MARGE Oh, yah, but there's not a heckuva lot to discuss. What about you, Mike? Are you married - you have kids? MIKE Well, yah, I was married. I was married to - You mind if I sit over here? He is sliding out of his side of the booth and easing in next to Marge. MIKE ... I was married to Linda Cooksey - MARGE No, I - Mike - wyncha sit over there, I'd prefer that. MIKE Huh? Oh, okay, I'm sorry. MARGE No, just so I can see ya, ya know. Don't have to turn my neck. MIKE Oh, sure, I unnerstand, I didn't mean to - MARGE No, no, that's fine. MIKE Yah, sorry, so I was married to Linda Cooksey - ya remember Linda? She was a year behind us. MARGE I think I remember Linda, yah. She was - yah. So things didn't work out, huh? MIKE And then I, and then I been workin' for Honeywell for a few years now. MARGE Well, they're a good outfit. MIKE Yah, if you're an engineer, yah, you could do a lot worse. Of course, it's not, uh, it's nothin' like your achievement. MARGE It sounds like you're doin' really super. MIKE Yah, well, I, uh ... it's not that it didn't work out - Linda passed away. She, uh... MARGE I'm sorry. MIKE Yah, I, uh... She had leukemia, you know... MARGE No, I didn't... MIKE It was a tough, uh ... it was a long - She fought real hard, Marge... MARGE I'm sorry, Mike. MIKE Oh, ya know, that's, uh - what can I say?... He holds up his drink. MIKE ... Better times, huh? Marge clinks it. MARGE Better times. MIKE I was so... I been so ... and then I saw you on TV, and I remembered, ya know... I always liked you... MARGE Well, I always liked you, Mike. MIKE I always liked ya so much... MARGE It's okay, Mike - Should we get together another time, ya think? MIKE No - I'm sorry! It's just - I been so lonely - then I saw you, and... He is weeping. MIKE ... I'm sorry... I shouldn't a done this... I thought we'd have a really terrific time, and now I've... MARGE It's okay... MIKE You were such a super lady ... and then I... I been so lonely... MARGE It's okay, Mike... CARLTON CELEBRITY ROOM Carl Showalter is sitting at a small table with a tarty- looking blonde in a low-cut gown. Each holds a drink. CARL Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha ha! A little of the old in-and-out! WOMAN Wuddya do? Carl looks around. CARL Have ya been to the Celebrity Room before? With other, uh, clients? WOMAN I don't think so. It's nice. CARL Yeah, well, it depends on the artist. You know, Jose Feliciano, ya got no complaints. Waiter! The reverse shows a disappearing waiter and the backs of many, many people sitting at tables between us and the very distant stage. Jose Feliciano, very small, performs on a spotlit stool. The acoustics are poor. Carl grimaces. CARL ... What is he, deaf?... So, uh, how long have you been with the escort service? WOMAN I don't know. Few munce. CARL Ya find the work interesting, do ya? WOMAN ... What're you talking about? A DIRTY BEDROOM Carl is humping the escort. We hear the door burst open. The escort is grabbed and flung out of bed. CARL Shep! What the hell are you doing? I'm banging that girl! Shep! Jesus Ch - Shep slaps him hard, forehand, backhand. SHEP Fuck out of my house! He hauls him up - CARL Shep! Don't you dare fucking hit me, man! Don't you - - punches him and flings him away. Carl hits a sofa and we see his bare legs disappear as he flips back over it. Shep enters frame to circle the sofa and kick at Carl behind it. SHEP Fuck outta here. Put me back in Stillwater. Little fucking shit. There is a knock at the door. VOICE Hey! Come on in there! Shep strides to the door, flings it open. A man in boxer shorts stands in the doorway. MAN C'mon, brother, it's late - Unghh! Shep hits him twice, then grabs both of his ears and starts banging his head against the wall. The hooker runs by, clutching her clothes, and Shep kicks her in the ass as she passes. He spins and goes back into the apartment. Carl is hopping desperately into his pants. CARL Stay away from me, man! Hey! Smoke a fuckin' peace pipe, man! Don't you dare fuckin' - Unghh! After hitting him several times, Shep yanks Carl's belt out of his dangling pants and strangles him with it. Carl gurgles. Shep knees Carl repeatedly, then dumps him onto the floor and starts whipping him with the buckle end of the belt. CHAIN RESTAURANT PHONE BOOTH Carl listens to the phone ring at the other end. His face is deeply bruised and cut. Finally, through the phone... VOICE ... Yah? CARL All right, Jerry, I'm through fucking around. You got the fucking money? JERRY'S KITCHEN Jerry is at the kitchen phone. Through the door to the dining room we see Wade picking up an extension. JERRY Yah, I got the money, but, uh - CARL Don't you fucking but me, Jerry. I want you with this money on the Dayton-Radisson parking ramp, top level, thirty minutes, and we'll wrap this up. JERRY Yah, okay, but, uh - CARL You're there in thirty minutes or I find you, Jerry, and I shoot you, and I shoot your fucking wife, and I shoot all your little fucking children, and I shoot 'em all in the back of their little fucking heads. Got it? JERRY ... Yah, well, you stay away from Scotty now - CARL GOT IT? JERRY Okay, real good, then. The line goes dead. A door slams offscreen. EXT. HOUSE Wade, briefcase in hand, gets into his Cadillac, slams the door and peels out. INT. CAR Wade's jaw works as he glares out at traffic. He mumbles to himself as he drives. WADE Okay ... here's your damn money, now where's my daughter?... Goddamn punk ... where's my damn daughter... He pulls out a gun, cracks the barrel, peers in. WADE ... You little punk. JERRY'S HOUSE Jerry sits in the foyer, trying to pull on pair of galoshes. Scotty's voice comes from upstairs: VOICE ... Dad? JERRY It's okay, Scotty. VOICE Where're you going? JERRY Be back in a minute. If Stan calls you, just tell him I went to Embers. Oh, geez - Thunk! - his first boot goes on. RADISSON Marge sits on the bed in her hotel room, shoes off, massaging her feet. The phone is pressed to her ear, and through it, we hear ringing. VOICE ... Hello? MARGE Norm? MILLE LACS LAKE It is late evening, blowing storm. A leisurely pan across the bleak gray expanse finds a little hut in the middle of the frozen lake with a pickup truck parked next to it. MARGE'S VOICE They bitin'? INT. HUT Norm has a cellular phone to his ear. His feet are stretched out to an electric heater. The interior is bathed in soft orange light. NORM Yah, okay. How's the hotel? MARGE Oh, pretty good. They bitin'? NORM Yeah, couple a muskies. No pike yet. How d'you feel? MARGE Oh, fine. NORM Not on your feet too much? MARGE No, no. NORM You shouldn't be on your feet too much, you got weight you're not used too. How's the food down there? MARGE Had dinner at a place called the King's Table. Buffet style. It was pretty darn good. NORM Was it reasonable? MARGE Yah, not too bad. So it's nice up there? NORM Yah, it's good. No pike yet, but it's good. DAYTON-RADISSON RAMP The top, open, level. Snow blows. A car sits idling. Another car pulls onto the roof. It creeps over to the parked car and stops. It continues to idle as its door opens and Wade steps out, carrying the briefcase. The door of the other car bangs open and Carl bounces out. CARL Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? WADE I got your goddamn money, you little punk. Now where's my daughter? CARL I am through fucking around! Drop that fucking briefcase! WADE Where's my daughter? CARL Fuck you, man! Where's Jerry? I gave SIMPLE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS - WADE Where's my damn daughter? No Jean, no money! CARL Drop that fucking money! WADE No Jean, no money! CARL Is this a fucking joke here? He pulls out a gun and fires into Wade's gut. CARL ... Is this a fucking joke? WADE Unghh ... oh, geez... He is on the pavement, clutching at his gut. Snow swirls. CARL You fucking imbeciles! He bends down next to Wade to pick up the briefcase. WADE Oh, for Christ ... oh, geez... Wade brings out his gun and fires at Carl's head, close by. CARL Oh! Carl stumbles and falls back, and then stands up again. His jaw is gouting blood. CARL ... Owwmm... One hand pressed to his jaw, he fires down at Wade several times. Blood streams through the hand pressed to his jaw. CARL ... Mmmmmphnck! He fnkem shop me... He pockets the gun, picks up the briefcase one-handed, flings it into his car, gets in, peels out. DOWN RAMP Carl screams down the ramp. He takes a corner at high speed and swerves, just missing Jerry in his Olds on his way to the top. INT. JERRY'S CAR Jerry recovers from the near miss and continues up. JERRY Oh, geez! EXIT BOOTH Carl squeals to a halt at the gate, still pressing his hand to his bleeding jaw. CARL Ophhem ma fuchem gaphe! ATTENDANT May I have your ticket, please? RAMP ROOF Jerry pulls to a halt next to Wade's idling Cadillac. He gets out and walks slowly to Wade's body, prostrate in the swirling snow. JERRY Oh! Oh, geez! He bends down, picks Wade up by the armpits and drags him over to the back of the Cadillac. He drops Wade's body, walks to the driver's side of the car, pulls the keys and walks back to pop the trunk. He wrestles Wade's body into the trunk, slams it shut and walks back to the scene of the shooting. He kicks at the snow with his galoshed feet, trying to hide the fresh bloodstains. EXIT BOOTH Jerry approaches in the Cadillac. The wooden gate barring the exit has been broken away. The booth is empty. Jerry eases toward the street, looking over at the booth as he passes. Inside the booth we see the awkwardly angled leg of a prostrate body. EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE The car pulls into the driveway. FOYER Jerry enters and sits on the foyer chair to take off his galoshes. SCOTT'S VOICE ... Dad? JERRY Yah. SCOTT'S VOICE Stan Grossman called. JERRY Yah, okay. SCOTT'S VOICE Twice. JERRY Okay. SCOTT'S VOICE ... Is everything okay? JERRY Yah. Thoonk - the first boot comes off. SCOTT'S VOICE Are you calling Stan? JERRY Well... I'm goin' ta bed now. CARL'S CAR Carl mumbles as he drives, underlit by the dim dash lights, one hand now holding a piece of rag to his shredded jaw. CARL ... Fnnkn ashlzh... Fnk... ROAD Carl's car roars into frame, violently swirling the snow. Its red tail lights fishtail away. FADE OUT HOLD IN BLACK HARD CUT TO: BRIGHT - LOOKING THROUGH A WINDSHIELD It is a starky sunny day. We are cruising down a street of humble lookalike houses. We pan right as we draw toward one house in particular. In its driveway a man in a hooded parka shovels snow. He notices the approaching car and gives its driver a wave. The driver is Gary, the Brainderd police officer. He gives a finger-to-the-head salute and pulls over. OUTSIDE Gary slams his door shut and the other man plants his shovel in the snow. MAN How ya doin'? GARY Mr. Mohra? MAN Yah. GARY Officer Olson. MAN Yah, right-o. The two men caucus the driveway without shaking hands and without standing particularly close. They stand stiffly, arms down at their sides and breath streaming out of their parka hoods. Each has an awkward leaning-away posture, head drawn slightly back and chin tucked in, to keep his face from protruding into the cold. MAN ... So, I'm tendin' bar there at Ecklund && Swedlin's last Tuesday and this little guy's drinkin' and he says, 'So where can a guy find some action - I'm goin' crazy down there at the lake.' And I says, 'What kinda action?' and he says, 'Woman action, what do I look like,' And I says 'Well, what do I look like, I don't arrange that kinda thing,' and he says, 'I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake' and I says, 'Well, this ain't that kinda place.' GARY Uh-huh. MAN So he says, 'So I get it, so you think I'm some kinda jerk for askin',' only he doesn't use the word jerk. GARY I unnerstand. MAN And then he calls me a jerk and says the last guy who thought he was a jerk was dead now. So I don't say nothin' and he says, 'What do ya think about that?' So I says, 'Well, that don't sound like too good a deal for him then.' GARY Ya got that right. MAN And he says, 'Yah, that guy's dead and I don't mean a old age.' And then he says, 'Geez, I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake.' GARY White Bear Lake? MAN Well, Ecklund && Swedlin's, that's closer ta Moose Lake, so I made that assumption. GARY Oh sure. MAN So, ya know, he's drinkin', so I don't think a whole great deal of it, but Mrs. Mohra heard about the homicides out here and she thought I should call it in, so I called it in. End a story. GARY What'd this guy look like anyways? MAN Oh, he was a little guy, kinda funny-lookin'. GARY Uh-huh - in what way? MAN Just a general way. GARY Okay, well, thanks a bunch, Mr. Mohra. You're right, it's probably nothin', but thanks for callin' her in. MAN Oh sure. They say she's gonna turn cold tomorrow. GARY Yah, got a front movin' in. MAN Ya got that right. CLOSE ON CARL SHOWALTER In his car, now parked, one hand holding the rag pressed to his mangled jaw. He is staring down at something in the front seat next to him. His other hand holds open the briefcase. It has money inside - a lot of money. Carl unfreezes, takes out one of the bank-wrapped wads and looks at it. CARL ... Mmmnphh. He paws through the money in the briefcase to get a feeling for the amount. CARL ... Jeshush Shrist... Jeshush fuchem Shrist! Excited, he counts out a bundle of bills and tosses it onto the back seat. He starts to take the rag away from his chin but the layer pressed against his face sticks, its loose weave bound to his skin by clotted blood. He pulls very gently and winces as blood starts to flow again. He carefully tears the rag in half so that only a bit of it remains adhering to his jaw. EXT. CAR It is pulled over to the side of an untraveled road. THe door opens and Carl emerges with the briefcase. He slogs through the snow, down a gulley and up the embankment to a barbed-wire fence. He kneels at one of the fence posts and frantically digs into the snow with his bare hands, throws in the briefcase and covers it back up. He stands and tries to beat the circulation back into his red, frozen hands. He looks to the right. A regular line of identical fence posts stretches away against unblemished white. He looks to the left. A regular line of identical fence posts stretches away against unblemished white. He looks at the fence post in front of him. CARL Mmmphh... He looks about the snowy vastness for a marker. Finding none, he kicks the fence post a couple of times, failing to scar or tilt it, then hurriedly plants a couple of sicks up against the post. He bends down, scoops up a handful of snow, presses it against his wounded jaw, and lopes back to the idling car. HOTEL ROOM Marge has a packed overnight back sitting on the unmade bed. She is ready to leave, already wearing her parka, but is on the phone. MARGE No, I'm leavin' this mornin', back up to Brainerd. VOICE Well, I'm sorry I won't see ya. MARGE Mm. But ya think he's all right? I saw him last night and he's - VOICE What'd he say? MARGE Well, it was nothin' specific he said, it just seemd like it all hit him really hard, his wife dyin' - VOICE His wife? MARGE Linda. VOICE No. MARGE Linda Cooksey? VOICE No. No. No. They weren't - he, uh, he was bothering Linda for about, oh, for a good year. Really pestering her, wouldn't leave her alone. MARGE So ... they didn't... VOICE No. No. They never married. Mike's had psychiatric problems. MARGE Oh. Oh, my. VOICE Yah, he - he's been struggling. He's living with his parents now. MARGE Oh. Geez. VOICE Yah, Linda's fine. You should call her. MARGE Geez. Well - geez. That's a suprise. MARGE'S CAR Marge drives, gazing out at the road. MARGE AT A DRIVE-THROUGH She leans out of her open window and yells at the order panel: MARGE Hello? MARGE AT THE GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE She sits in the lot, eating a breakfast sandwich. JERRY LUNDEGAARD'S OFFICE Jerry is at his desk using a blunt pencil to enter numbers onto a form. Beneath the form is a piece of carbon paper and beneath that another form copy, which Jerry periodically checks. The carbon-copy form shows thick smudgy, illegible entries. Jerry hums nervously. Glass rattles as someone taps at his door. Jerry looks up and freezes, mouth hanging open, brow knit with worry. Marge sticks her head in the door. MARGE Mr. Lundegaard? Sorry to bother you again. Can I come in? She starts to enter. JERRY Yah, no, I'm kinda - I'm kinda busy - MARGE I unnerstand. I'll keep it real short, then. I'm on my way out of town, but I was just - Do you mind if I sit down? I'm carrying a bit of a load here. JERRY No, I - But she is already sitting into the chair opposite with a sigh of relieved weight. MARGE Yah, it's this vehicle I asked you about yesterday. I was just wondering - JERRY Yah, like I told ya, we haven't had any vehicles go missing. MARGE Okay, are you sure, cause, I mean, how do you know? Because, see, the crime I'm investigating, the perpetrators were driving a car with dealer plates. And they called someone who works here, so it'd be quite a coincidence if they weren't, ya know, connected. JERRY Yah, I see. MARGE So how do you - have you done any kind of inventory recently? JERRY The car's not from our lot, ma'am. MARGE but do you know that for sure without - JERRY Well, I would know. I'm the Executive Sales Manager. MARGE Yah, but - JERRY We run a pretty tight ship here. MARGE I know, but - well, how do you establish that, sir? Are the cars, uh, counted daily or what kind of - JERRY Ma'am, I answered your question. There is a silent beat. MARGE ... I'm sorry, sir? JERRY Ma'am, I answered your question. I answered the darn - I'm cooperating here, and I... MARGE Sir, you have no call to get snippy with me. I'm just doin' my job here. JERRY I'm not, uh, I'm not arguin' here. I'm cooperating... There's no, uh - we're doin' all we can... He trails off into silence. MARGE Sir, could I talk to Mr. Gustafson? Jerry stares at her. MARGE ... Mr. Lundegaard? Jerry explodes: JERRY Well, heck, if you wanna, if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I... He is getting angrily off his feet. JERRY Okay, I'll do a damned lot count! MARGE Sir? Right now? JERRY Sure right now! You're darned tootin'! He is yanking his parka from a hook behind the opened door and grabbing a pair of galoshes. JERRY ... If it's so damned imporant to ya! MARGE I'm sorry, sir, I - Jerry has the parka slung over one arm and the galoshes pinched in his hand. JERRY Aw, what the Christ! He stamps out the door. Marge stares. After a long moment her stare breaks. She glances idly around the office. There is a framed picture facing away from her on the desktop. She turns it to face her. It is Scotty, holding an accordion. There is another picture of Jean. Marge looks at it, looks around, for some reason, at the ceiling. She looks at a trophy shelf on the wall behind her. She fiddles idly with a pencil. She pulls a clipboard toward her. It holds a form from the General Motors Finance Corporation. She looks idly around. Her look abruptly locks. MARGE ... Oh, for Pete's sake. Jerry is easing his car around the near corner of the building. Marge's voice is flat with dismay: MARGE ... Oh, for Pete's sake... She grabs the phone and punches in a number. MARGE ... For Pete's s- he's fleein' the interview. He's feelin' the interview... Jerry makes a left turn into traffic. MARGE ... Detective Sibert, please... POLICE OFFICER We are looking across a steam table at a man in blue. He moves slowly to the right, pushing his tray along a cafeteria line. Behind him, in the depth of the room, is an eating area of long Formica tables at which sit a mix of uniformed and civilian-clothed police and staff. We are listening to an offscreen woman's voice. WOMAN Well, so far we're just saying he's wanted for questioning in connection with a triple homicide. Nobody at the dealship there's been much help guessing where he might go... The woman is entering frame sliding a tray. Marge enters behind her, sliding her own. We move laterally with them as they slowly make their way along the line. MARGE Uh-huh. WOMAN We called his house; his little boy said he hadn't been there. MARGE And his wife? WOMAN She's visiting relatives in Florida. Now his boss, this guy Gustafson, he's also disappeared. Nobody at his office knows where he is. MARGE Geez. Looks like this thing goes higher than we thought. You call his home? WOMAN His wife's in the hospital, has been for a couple months. The big C. MARGE Oh, my. WOMAN And this Shep Proudfoot character, he's a little darling. He's now wanted for assault and parole violation. He clobbered a neighbor of his last night and another person who could be one of your perps, and he's at large. MARGE Boy, this thing is really ... geez. WOMAN Well, they're all out on the wire. Well, you know... MARGE Yah. Well, I just can't thank you enough, Detective Sibert, this cooperation has been outstanding. DETECTIVE SIBERT Ah, well, we haven't had to run around like you. When're you due? MARGE End a April. DETECTIVE SIBERT Any others? MARGE This'll be our first. We've been waiting a long time. DETECTIVE SIBERT That's wonderful. Mm-mm. It'll change your life, a course. MARGE Oh, yah, I know that! DETECTIVE SIBERT They can really take over, that's for sure. MARGE You have children? Detective Sibert pulls an accordion of plastic picture sleeves from her purse to show Marge. DETECTIVE SIBERT I thought you'd never ask. The older one is Janet, she's nine, and the younger one is Morgan. MARGE Oh, now he's adorable. DETECTIVE SIBERT He's three now. Course, not in that picture. MARGE Oh, he's adorable. DETECTIVE SIBERT Yah, he - MARGE Where'd you get him that parka? They have reached the end of the cafeteria line. With a nod to the cashier, Detective Sibert indicates hers and Marge's trays. DETECTIVE SIBERT Both of these. MARGE Oh, no, I can't let you do that. DETECTIVE SIBERT Oh, don't be silly. MARGE Well, okay - thank you, Detective. DETECTIVE SIBERT Oh, don't be silly. GAEAR GRIMSRUD He sits eating a Swanson's TV dinner from a TV tray he has set up in front of an easy chair. He watches the old black-and-white TV set whose image - it might be a game show - is still heavily ghosting and diffused by snow. The audio crackles with interference. Despite the impenetrability of its image, it holds Grimsrud's complete attention. At the sound of the front door opening, Grimsrud looks up. Carl enters, his face suppurating and raw. He reacts to Grimsrud's wordless look with a grotesque laugh. CARL You should she zhe uzher guy! He glances around. CARL ... The fuck happen a her? Jean sits slumped in a straight-backed chair facing the wall. Her hooded head, resting on her chin, is motionless. There is blood on the facing wall. GRIMSRUD She started shrieking, you know. CARL Jezhush. He shakes his head. CARL ... Well, I gotta muddy. He is plunking down eight bank-wrapped bundles on the table. CARL ... All of it. All eighty gran. Forty for you... He makes one pile, pockets the rest. CARL ... Forty for me. Sho thishuzh it. Adiosh. He slaps keys down on the table. CARL ... You c'n'ave my truck. I'm takin' a Shiera. GRIMSRUD We split that. Carl looks at him. CARL HOW THE FUCK DO WE SHPLITTA FUCKIN' CAR? Ya dummy! Widda fuckin' chainshaw? Grimsrud looks sourly up. There is a beat. Finally: GRIMSRUD One of us pays the other for half. CARL HOLD ON! NO FUCKIN' WAY! YOU FUCKIN' NOTISH ISH? I GOT FUCKIN' SHOT INNA FAISH! I WENT'N GOTTA FUCKIN' MONEY! I GET SHOT FUCKIN' PICKIN' IT UP! I BEEN UP FOR THIRTY-SHIKSH FUCKIN' HOURZH! I'M TAKIN' THAT FUCKIN' CAR! THAT FUCKERZH MINE! Carl waits for an argument, but only gets the steady sour look. Carl pulls out a gun. CARL ... YOU FUCKIN' ASH-HOLE! I LISHEN A YOUR BULLSHIT FOR A WHOLE FUCKIN' WEEK! A beat. Carl returns Grimsrud's stare. CARL ... Are we shquare? Grimsrud says nothing. CARL ... ARE WE SHQUARE? A beat. Disgusted, Carl pockets the gun and heads for the door. CARL ... Fuckin' ash-hole. And if you shee your friend Shep Proudpfut, tell him I'm gonna NAIL hizh fuckin' ash. OUTSIDE We are pulling Carl as he walks toward the car. Behind him we see the cabin door opening. Carl turns, reacting to the sound. Grimsrud is bounding out wearing mittens and a red hunter's cap, but no overcoat. He is holding an ax. Carl fumbles in his pocket for his gun. Grimsrud swings overhand, burying the ax in Carl's neck. MARGE In her cruiser, on her two-way. Through it we hear Lou's voice, heavily filtered: VOICE His wife. This guy says she was kidnapped last Wednesday. MARGE The day of our homicides. VOICE Yah. Marge is peering to one side as she drives, looking through the bare trees that border the road on a declivity that runs down to a large frozen lake. MARGE And this guy is... VOICE Lundegaard's father-in-law's accountant. MARGE Gustafson's accountant. VOICE Yah. MARGE But we still haven't found Gustafson. VOICE (crackle) - looking. MARGE Sorry - didn't copy. VOICE Still missing. We're looking. MARGE Copy. And Lundegaard too. VOICE Yah. Where are ya, Margie? We hear, distant but growing louder, harsh engine noise, as of a chainsaw or lawnmower. MARGE Oh, I'm almost back - I'm driving around Moose Lake. VOICE Oh. Gary's loudmouth. MARGE Yah, the loudmouth. So the whole state has it, Lundegaard and Gustafson? VOICE Yah, it's over the wire, it's everywhere, they'll find 'em. MARGE Copy. VOICE We've got a - MARGE There's the car! There's the car! We are slowing as we approach a short driveway leading down to a cabin. Parked in front is the brown Cutlass Ciera. VOICE Whose car? MARGE My car! My car! Tan Ciera! VOICE Don't go in! Wait for back-up! Marge is straining to look. The power-tool noise is louder here but still muffled, its source not yet visible. VOICE ... Chief Gunderson? MARGE Copy. Yah, send me back-up! VOICE Yes, ma'am. Are we the closest PD? MARGE Yah, Menominie only has Chief Perpich and he takes February off to go to Boundary Waters. ROAD EXTERIOR Marge pulls her prowler over some distance past the cabin. She gets out, zips up her khaki parka and pulls up its fur- lined hood. For a moment, she stands listening to the muffled roar of the power tool. Then, with one curved arm half pressing against, half supporting her belly, she takes slow, gingerly steps down the slope, through the deep snow, through the trees angling toward the cabin and the source of the grinding noise. She slogs from tree to tree, letting each one support her downhill-leaning weight for a moment before slogging to the next. The roar grows louder. Marge stands panting by one tree, her breath vaporizing out of her snorkel hood. She squints down toward the cabin's back lot. A tall man with his back to us, wearing a red plaid quilted jacket and a hunting cap with earflaps, is laboring over a large power tool which his body blocks from view. Marge advances. The man is forcing downward something which engages the roaring power tool and makes harsh spluttering noises. The man is Grimsrud, his nose red and eyes watering from the cold, hatflaps pulled down over his ears. His breath steams as he sourly goes about his work, both hands pressing down a shod foot, as it if were the shaft of a butter churn. The roar is very loud. Marge slogs down to the next tree, panting, looking. Grimsrud forces more of the leg into the machine, which we can now see sprays small wet chunks out the bottom. Marge's eyes shift. A large dark form lies in the snow next to Grimsrud. Grimsrud works on, eyes watering. With a grunt he bends down out of frame and then re-enters holding a thick log. He uses it to force the leg deeper into the machine. Marge is advancing. She holds a gun extended toward Grimsrud, who is still turned away. Grimsrud rubs his nose with the back of his hand. Marge closes in, grimacing. Grimsrud's back strains as he puts his weight into the log that pushes down into the machine. The dark shape in the snow next to his side is the rest of Carl Showalter's body. Marge has drawn to within twenty yards. When she bellows it sounds hollow and distant, her voice all but eaten up by the roar of the power tool. MARGE Stop! Police! Turn around and hands up! Startled, Grimsrud scowls. He turns to face her. He stares. Marge bellows again: MARGE ... Hands up! Conscious of the noise, she shows with a twist of her shoulder the armpatch insignia. MARGE ... Police! Grimsrud stares. With a quick twist, he reaches back for the log, hurls it at Marge and then starts running away. Marge twists her body sideways, shielding herself. No need - the heavy log travels perhaps ten yards and lands in the snow several feet short of her. Grimsrud pants up the hill - slow going through the deep snow. Behind him: MARGE ... Halt! She fires in the air. She lowers the gun and carefully sighs. MARGE ... Halt! She fires. Grimsrud still slogs up the hill - a miss. Marge sights again. MARGE ... Halt! She fires again. Grimsrud pitches forward. He mutters in Swedish as he reaches down to clutch at his wounded leg. Marge walks toward him, gun trained on him as her other hand reaches under her parka and gropes around her waist. It comes out with a pair of handcuffs, which she opens with a snap of the wrist. MARGE ... All right, buddy. On your belly and your hands clasped behind you. THE CRUISER Marge drives. Grimsrud sits in the back seat, hands cuffed behind him. For a long moment there, he is quiet - only engine hum and the periodic clomp of wheels on pavement seams - as Marge grimly shakes her head. MARGE ... So that was Mrs. Lundegaard in there? She glances up in the rear-view mirror. Grimsrud, cheeks sunk, eyes hollow, looks sourly out at the road. Marge shakes her head. At length: MARGE ... I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. Grimsrud's head bobs with bumps on the road; otherwise he is motionless, reactionless, scowling and gazing out. MARGE ... And those three people in Brainerd. No response. Marge, gazing forward, seems to be talking to herself. MARGE ... And for what? For a little bit of money. We hear distant sirens. MARGE ... There's more to life than money, you know. She glances up in the rear-view mirror. MARGE ... Don't you know that?... And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day... Grimsrud's hollow eyes stare out. The sirens are getting louder. Marge pulls over. MARGE ... Well... She leans forward to the dash to give two short signalling WHOOPS on her siren. She turns on her flashers. She leans back with a creak and jangle of utilities. She stares forward, shakes her head. We hear the dull click of her flashers. MARGE ... I just don't unnerstand it. Outside it is snowing. The sky, the earth, the road - all white. A squad car, gumballs spinning, punches through the white. It approaches in slow motion. An ambulance punches through after it. Another squad car. FADE OUT: FADE IN: HIGH AND WIDE ON A SHABBY MOTEL It stands next to a highway on a snowy, windslept plain. One or two cars dot the parking lot along with an idling police cruiser. MOTEL ROOM DOORWAY We are looking over the shoulders of two uniformed policemen who stand on either side of the door, their hands resting lightly on their holstered sidearms. One of them raps at the door. COP ONE Mr. Anderson... A title fades in: OUTSIDE OF BISMARK, NORTH DAKOTA After a pause, muffled through the door: VOICE ... Who?... COP ONE Mr. Anderson, is this your burgundy 88 out here? VOICE ... Just a sec. COP ONE Could you open the door, please? VOICE ... Yah. Yah, just a sec. We hear a clatter from inside. VOICE ... Just a sec... One of the policemen unholsters his gun and nods to someone whose back enters - a superintendent holding a ring of keys. This man turns a key in the door and then stands away. The two policemen, guns at the ready, bang into the motel room. The rough hand-held camera rushes in behind them as the two men give the room a two-handed sweep with their guns. The room is empty. Cop one indicates the open bathroom door. COP ONE Dale! The two men charge the bathroom, belts jingling, guns at the ready, jittery camera behind them rushing to keep pace. A man in boxer shorts is halfway out the bathroom window. The policemen holster their guns and charge the window, and drag Jerry Lundegaard back into the room. His flesh quivers as he thrashes and keens in short, piercing screams. The cops wrestle him to the floor but his palsied thrashing continues. The policemen struggle to restrain him. COP ONE Call an ambulance! COP TWO You got him okay? Cop One pinions Jerry's arms to the floor and Jerry bursts into uncontrolled sobbing. COP ONE Yah, yah, call an ambulance. Jerry sobs and screams. A BEDROOM We are square on Norm, who sits in bed watching television. After a long beat, Marge enters frame in a nightie and climbs into bed, with some effort. MARGE Oooph! Norm reaches for her hand as both watch the television. At length Norm speaks, but keeps his eyes on the TV. NORM They announced it. Marge looks at him. MARGE They announced it? NORM Yah. Marge looks at him, waiting for more, but Norm's eyes stay fixed on the television. MARGE ... So? NORM Three-cent stamp. MARGE Your mallard? NORM Yah. MARGE Norm, that's terrific! Norm tries to suppress a smile of pleasure. NORM It's just the three cent. MARGE It's terrific! NORM Hautman's blue-winged teal got the twenty-nine cent. People don't much use the three-cent. MARGE Oh, for Pete's - a course they do! Every time they raise the darned postage, people need the little stamps! NORM Yah. MARGE When they're stuck with a bunch a the old ones! NORM Yah, I guess. MARGE That's terrific. Her eyes go back to the TV. MARGE ... I'm so proud a you, Norm. Norm murmurs: NORM I love you, Margie. MARGE I love you, Norm. Both of them are watching the TV as Norm reaches out to rest a hand on top of her stomach. NORM ... Two more months. Marge absently rests her own hand on top of his. MARGE Two more months. Hold; fade out.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High FADE IN: EXT. RIDGEMONT CENTER MALL - NIGHT From the outside parking lot it looks like an enormous beached whale. It is the prime hangout for all the teenagers in the area. Kids mill around the parking lot or stand by the mall entrance. INT. RIDGEMONT CENTER MALL There are three levels of stores underneath a massive fluorescent roof. Different music comes from each store. It looks seventies-modern, but already used and run-down. Groups of kids cruise the mall, eyeing each other and acting cool. INT. SWENSON'S ICE-CREAM PARLOR - NIGHT The teenage waitresses in their peppermint pattie uniforms are rushing around, trying to keep up with their orders. A good-looking man in his mid-twenties enters and sits. He wears a plastic name tag that says: "Pacific Stereo Audio Consultant, RON JOHNSON." Two Swenson's Waitresses pass by with supreme indifference, and take their orders into the back kitchen. INT. SWENSON'S BACK KITCHEN WAITRESS #1 I think he looks like Richard Gere. The two Waitresses discuss the issue at hand. One of them, Linda Barrett, is the seventeen year old, retired sex queen of Ridgemont High. WAITRESS #1 (CONT'D) I think he looks like... Richard Gere. (Bruce Springsteen) LINDA Did you see his cute little butt? A third waitress enters. WAITRESS #2 Let's talk about C-19. WAITRESS #1 AND LINDA We were! WAITRESS #2 I think I'll drop over and change the shakers. LINDA No, be cool, that's Stacy's section. Through the entrance, we see Stacy Hamilton. She is the fifteen-year-old trainee, sweet-looking with just the last traces of baby fat. She puts down a glass of water for Ron, spills some and mops it up. WAITRESS #1 He's too old for Stacy, she hasn't even started high school yet. A flustered Stacy enters the back kitchen. LINDA How's it going. STACY Do you think that guy's cute? WAITRESS #1 In a blow-dryed kind of way. STACY Does anyone else want to take his table? LINDA Don't you like him? STACY Yeah, but I fucked up. You can take it. Really. LINDA Come on, Stacy, it's your section and your man. STACY What should I do? LINDA Just take his order, look him in the eye and if he says anything remotely funny, laugh a lot. She fluffs up Stacy's hair and gently shoves her towards the door. Stacy reluctantly exits. INT. SWENSON'S DINING ROOM Stacy goes to Ron's table. RON So you working hard or hardly working? Stacy thinks it over, decides it's a joke and laughs (a little too late). Ron looks at her soulfully. RON (CONT'D) You look like you could still be in high school. STACY I know, everyone says that. He stares at her and she stares back uncomfortably. STACY (CONT'D) What can I get for you tonight. RON How about your phone number? Stacy smiles nervously. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL - OUTSIDE SWENSON'S - NIGHT A teenage boy stands in front of an in-mall theatre across from Swenson's. He wears a stiff over-sized tuxedo suit. He is Mark "The Rat" Ratner, a ticket taker on the job. Mike Damone, a transplanted Easterner, bops over from the record store, eyeing every girl he passes. He stops at the movie theatre. THE RAT Do you ever look at those girls who work at Swenson's? They're beautiful. And I have to stand out here and watch them six nights a week. DAMONE You should work for yourself. Two Junior High Kids spot Damone, walk up to him. DAMONE (CONT'D) What can I do for you, gentlemen? JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 You the guy with the Van Halen tickets? DAMONE I could be. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 What do you want for something in the first ten rows? DAMONE Twenty bucks apiece. JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 Those tickets were only twelve fifty! DAMONE So don't buy 'em. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 (to friend) All the other scalpers are sold out, Arnold. Damone reacts indignantly. DAMONE Scalper? You call me a scalper? I perform a service, my friends. The service costs money. Now do you want the tickets or not? The Kids look at each other. JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 Are you sure you can't go any lower. DAMONE These are my special back-to-school prices. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 We'll take 'em. Damone reaches inside his pants pocket for a wad of tickets. EXT. CARL'S JR. - NIGHT At the other end of the mall is a neon-lit Carl's Jr. Hamburger Restaurant. If Swenson's was the warm up, this is the main attraction of the Ridgemont Mall. INT. CARL'S JR. Back-to-school banners hang from the walls. Many kids are lined up at the counters. In the middle of the kitchen, directing all the orders, is a seventeen year old named Brad. He moves confidently, observing the fryer, checking cup supply, and giving an affectionate squeeze to a pretty cashier named Lisa. She lets him kiss her, but only once. A teenage Customer shouts to Brad from the front counter. CUSTOMER Hey Brad! I waited till you came on! I wanted your fries. Brad smiles, walks over to the fryer and discards the fries left from the previous shift. He shouts to the other employees as he puts in a new batch, "his" batch. BRAD We need fifteen Superstars, David! FELLOW EMPLOYEE #1 Okay, Brad! BRAD I'll take care of the fry orders! Just get me the Superstars! FELLOW EMPLOYEE #2 Fish sandwiches! Brad spots three surfers sitting in the dining area. None of them are wearing shirts. BRAD Hey you guys! You had shirts on when you came in here. ANGLE ON THE MAIN SURFER a bleary kid sitting at the head of the table. He runs a hand through his long, stringy blond hair. After a time, he speaks. SPICOLI Something happened to them, mon. BRAD Come on, Spicoli. Why don't you just put your shirts back on? See the sign? ANGLE ON HANDWRITTEN SIGN IN WINDOW that reads: "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Dice" INT. CARL'S JR. A store manager, Dennis Taylor, bustles up to Brad. DENNIS Any problems? BRAD No, just a couple of surfers with no shirts on. I took care of it, Dennis. ANGLE ON SURFERS grumbling, putting shirts back on. It pains them. Dennis heads back to his office when he sees something in the trash bin. DENNIS Did you throw away those fries, Hamilton? BRAD They were left over from the last shift. DENNIS Those were perfectly good fries, Hamilton. (glares at Brad) Perfectly good. BRAD But they weren't mine. Brad laughs, goes back to work. INT. MALL - LATE NIGHT It is closed and only a few janitors remain. Stacy and Linda walk through the large empty mall. STACY He gave me his card. (lovingly) 'Ron Johnson, Audio Consultant.' LINDA (amused) Should we buy a frame for that? STACY Come on, Linda, I haven't had a boyfriend all summer. You promised when I started working at the mall that my life would change... Do you think he'll call this week? LINDA Listen, Stace, you want to know about guys? I'll tell you. They're mostly chicken. Before I met Doug I chased after every guy I thought was cute. I thought if I gave out a vibe they'd get the message and call me up. Well, guess what? They don't call. STACY So what did you do? LINDA I called them. If I was sitting next to a guy and I wanted to sit closer, I'd sit closer. If I wanted to kiss him, I'd just do it. You want Ron Johnson? Grab him. STACY I can't do that. They pass a janitor cleaning graffiti that says: LINCOLN SURF NAZIS and MAGGOT LUST FOR THE DUST. LINDA Face it. With some guys you have to make the first move. A lot of guys are just... wussies. STACY Really? LINDA Stacy, what are you waiting for? You're fifteen. I did it when I was thirteen. It's no huge thing. It's just sex. If you don't, one of the other girls will. STACY (cute) He was hot, wasn't he? LINDA If I didn't have a fiance in Chicago, I'd go for it. A young Girl runs and catches up with Linda and Stacy. GIRL (breathless) Are you Linda Barrett? LINDA Yes. GIRL I'm Carrie Frazier from Toys 'R Us. Judy Hinton from May Company told me I could ask you something. Linda nods. GIRL (CONT'D) I have this situation with my boyfriend, and I wanted to... (looks at Stacy, then whispers in Linda's ear) Linda listens thoughtfully, then clicks into her "sex expert" mode. LINDA Okay, are you over sixteen? The Girl nods. LINDA (CONT'D) All right, what you want to do is go to the Free Clinic and tell the doctor that you have sex regularly - several times a week -- and that you need Nornel One Plus Fifty's. GIRL And they don't call my parents? LINDA Not if you're over sixteen. GIRL Okay. Thanks a lot, Linda. LINDA And don't let them talk you into a diaphragm either. The Girl thanks Linda again. Linda and Stacy get to the back exit of the mall and Linda uses a key to open the door. STACY I can't believe I start high school tomorrow. LINDA Believe it. They exit the mall, into the night. EXT. RIDGEMONT SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY We see all the elements of the first day of school. The students carry new books, explore new lockers, begin to stake out their ground. Someone has taken the steel letters from the green vanguard out front. It reads: "IDG MON SENOR HI HO." The rest of Ridgemont High is covered with toilet paper. And a black spray paint message along the side of the front office building reads, "LINCOLN SURF NAZIS." EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT - DAY Brad pulls into the Ridgemont High parking lot. He drives a beat-up, four-door model LTD sedan. Three friends wait for him near his parking space. They are dressed in the same golf caps with brand logos on the front like CAT, NATIONAL and CHAINSAW. BUDDY #1 Hamilton! BUDDY #2 The cruising vessel! Hey -- Yooooo! Brad climbs out of his car and pats it admiringly. BRAD Six more payments, gentlemen. Brad joins his friends, and they walk towards the gymnasium. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT We see a shiny, new, blue Mustang whip into the parking lot. Students scatter from the parking space. Behind the wheel is football star Charles Jefferson. A huge, black kid. The halls at Ridgemont part for Charles Jefferson. Rat and Damone are in the parking lot. Damone surrounded by underclassmen (customers) selling tickets. DAMONE See that Mustang? U.C.L.A. gave Charles Jefferson that car when he was a sophomore. The underclassmen are impressed. They watch as Jefferson opens his car door and stands to his full height, over six-foot tall. He opens his trunk and pulls out no books, just a football duffel bag. He slowly walks by Damone, Rat and the underclassmen. DAMONE (CONT'D) How ya doing! That car looks great, Charles! Jefferson gives Damone a death glare. JEFFERSON Don't... fuck... with... it. He moves on. Damone resumes selling tickets. DAMONE Shit, that's my man. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT We see a clutching, smooching couple walk by. Cheerleader Cindy Carr and her boyfriend, Gregg Adams. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT - DAY The Four Stoners (from Carl's Jr.) tumble out of a van in the parking lot. They head towards the gymnasium. INT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM - DAY Standing by the A-B-C-D-E registration counter in the gymnasium, Brad waits to pick up his red ad card. He stands surrounded by his buddies. They nod vigorously at everything Brad says. As he talks, fellow students all say hello or pat him as they pass. One troubled-looking boy, Arnold, walks up to Brad. ARNOLD Brad, can I talk to you a minute? BRAD Arnold. What's happening? Arnold speaks confidentially to Brad. ARNOLD Brad, I really fuckin' hate McDonald's, man. Ever since they started in with the chicken, everything went downhill. BRAD You want to work at Carl's? ARNOLD Oh, man, if you could swing something there, I'd do anything for you. I want to work with you guys. BRAD I can probably get you in there. Just let me talk to Dennis Taylor. ARNOLD All right!! Brad notices Stacy and nods with complete inner cool. STACY Hi, Brad. BRAD Sis. BRAD'S BUDDIES Hey, Stacy. STACY Hi... Where's Lisa? BRAD Everyone wants to know where Lisa is. How should I know where Lisa is? (to buddies) What am I gonna do? Now my little sister goes to the same high school. The party's over. (to Stacy) So who do you have first period? STACY U.S. History. Mr. Hand. BRAD Hey-yo. DAVID Hey-yoooooooooo. STACY (concerned) What's wrong with Mr. Hand? BRAD Nothing... if you like 'Hawaii Five O.' You better get in class, Stacy. That's not the one to be late to. Stacy hurries off. RICH (as soon as she is gone) Your sister is really turning into a fox. BRAD You should see her in the morning. BRAD'S BUDDIES Hey-yooooooooooo. INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - DAY Stacy barely slips in the door before the final attendance bell sounds. She finds a seat just as the teacher's cubicle door opens at the back of the classroom. A tall figure comes barreling down the aisle. He is Mr. Hand. The man makes a double-speed step to the door at the front of the class, kicks the door shut and locks it. The windows rattle in their frames. Stacy watches, wide-eyed, at her first high school class. MR. HAND Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand. Mr. Hand writes his name on the green chalkboard before his class. Every letter is a small explosion of chalk. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (almost sweetly) I have but one question for you on our first morning 'together.' (pause) Can you attend my class? Pakalo?... Understand?... History has proven us one basic fact. Man does not do anything that is not for his own good. It is for your own good that you attend my class. And if you can't make it... I can make you. An impatient knock begins at the front door of the classroom. MR. HAND (CONT'D) We have a twenty-question quiz every Friday. It will cover all the material we've dealt with during the week. There will be no make-up exams. It's important that you all have your Land of Truth and Liberty textbooks by Wednesday. At the latest. The knock continues. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Your grade is the average of all your quizzes, plus the midterm and final, which counts for one-third. Got it? The mystery knocker tries a lazy calypso beat on the front door. No one in Mr. Hand's U.S. History class dares mention it, much less answer it. Stacy grips her desk with the tension of her first day. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Also. There will be no eating in this class. You get used to doing your own business on your own time. That's one demand I make. I don't like staying after class with you on detention. That's my time. I don't like wasting it. Just like you wouldn't want me to come to your house some evening and discuss U.S. History on your time. Pakalo? Hand finally turns, as if he has just noticed the sound at the door and opens the door an inch. Jeffrey Spicoli stands in the doorway, red eyes glistening. His long, blond hair is still wet and streaming down the back of his white peasant shirt. He grins, oblivious to such trivial matters as attendance bells. A Student sitting near Stacy turns to his friends. STUDENT That guy has been stoned since the third grade. MR. HAND Yes? SPICOLI Yeah. I'm registered for this class. MR. HAND What class? SPICOLI This is U.S. History, right? I saw the globe in the window. MR. HAND (appears enthralled) Really? Spicoli holds his red ad card up to the crack in the door. SPICOLI Can I come in? MR. HAND (swinging door open) Oh, please. I get so lonely when that third attendance bell rings and I don't see all my kids here. Spicoli laughs. He is the only one. SPICOLI Sorry I'm late. This new schedule is totally confusing. Mr. Hand takes the red ad card and reads from it with utter fascination. MR. HAND Mr. Spicoli? SPICOLI That's the name they gave me. Mr. Hand slowly tears the card into little pieces and sprinkles the pieces over his wastebasket. Spicoli watches in disbelief. His hands are frozen in the process of removing his backpack. SPICOLI (CONT'D) You just ripped my card in two! MR. HAND Yes. SPICOLI Hey, bud. What's your problem? Mr. Hand moves to within inches of Spicoli's face. MR. HAND No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is. It takes a moment for the words to work their way out of Jeff Spicoli's mouth. SPICOLI You... dick. In the tense moment that follows, no one in the class is sure what might happen. Mr. Hand simply turns away from Jeff Spicoli as if he ceased to exist and coolly continues his lecture. MR. HAND I've taken the time to print up a complete schedule of class quizzes, and the chapters they cover. Please pass them back to the desks behind you... Hand begins passing out stacks of purple mimeographed sheets. ANGLE ON STUDENTS all smelling the purple mimeographed sheets. Still standing in the doorway, hyperventilating with fifteen-year-old adrenalin, is Jeff Spicoli. After a time, he fishes a few bits of his ad card out of the wastebasket and huffs out of the room. EXT. RIDGEMONT LUNCH COURT - AFTERNOON It's packed. The school's outdoor dining area is actually just a small courtyard lined with fast food machines and dominated by a large oak tree in the center. Standing at the center of lunch court, under the large oak tree, is Brad Hamilton and his golf-cap Buddies. BRAD You hear about the surfer in Mr. Hand's class? His Buddies shake their heads. BRAD (CONT'D) Told Hand to fuck off. BRAD'S BUDDIES Whoa!_ Brad sees another friend pass through lunch court. BRAD Thompson! Brad waits for him to pass. BRAD (CONT'D) I hear Thompson got canned at Bob's this summer. BUDDY #1 Yeah. They hacked his hours, so he quit. BRAD Where is he now? BUDDY #1 Making two eighty at Seven-Eleven. BRAD Man. (pause) They make you wear a fuckin' candy stripe suit over there. BUDDY #2 Poor guy. BRAD Poor guy. EXT. LUNCH COURT - ANGLE ON THE 200 BUILDING BATHROOM near the outer rim of lunch court. Jeff Spicoli comes stumbling out into the daylight, surrounded by a small group of Ridgemont Stoners. Marijuana smoke billows out behind them. STONER BUDDY #1 It was so bitchin', mon. Everybody is talking about it. STONER BUDDY #2 Totally. SPICOLI The motherfucker pissed me off. STONER BUDDY #2 Totally. You don't have to take that shit. SPICOLI I didn't take that shit. They all laugh, flip hair out of their eyes. STONER BUDDY #1 Tell us again. What happened after he ripped up your ad card? SPICOLI I called him a dick. And then I reached for his class notes, and I ripped 'em up. I said, 'Hey bud. Two can play this game.' The Stoners go wild. SPICOLI (CONT'D) I'll tell you this. If he hassles me again, I can't be responsible for what happens... you know why? STONER BUDDY #1 Because he's a fuckin' dick! SPICOLI You got it. (pause) Gimme a dollar. One surfer digs out a dollar for Spicoli. They look out at lunch court, see it teeming with straight kids. They turn and walk towards the parking lot. EXT. LUNCH COURT - ANGLE ON STACY AND LINDA as they walk onto lunch court. They take a seat on the outskirts of the area and watch all the students crowding onto the eating area. LINDA I hear some surfer pulled a knife on Mr. Hand this morning. STACY No way! He just called him a dick. LINDA God. People exaggerate so much at this school. The school couple, Cindy and Gregg walk by. CINDY Hi, Linda. God, you look so great. LINDA Hi, you guys. This is Stacy. Stacy, this is Gregg Adams and Cindy Carr. GREGG AND CINDY Hi, Stacy. Stacy smiles. Gregg and Cindy move on, repeating the same scene a few feet away. LINDA If there's one thing that never changes... it's a cheerleader. Stacy turns to see a girl with short, black hair passing by, wearing tight black spandex pants, and dark lipstick. STACY Linda. That girl looks just like Pat Benatar. LINDA I know. They watch her pass. LINDA (CONT'D) Actually, there are three girls at Ridgemont who have cultivated the Pat Benatar look. Linda gestures out on lunch court. ANGLE ON ANOTHER PAT BENATAR LOOK-ALIKE wearing pink spandex pants and short-cropped black hair with dark lipstick. ANGLE ON STILL ANOTHER PAT BENATAR LOOK-ALIKE wearing blue spandex pants and short black hair. She stands a good distance away from the other two. LINDA (CONT'D) None of them talk to each other. Linda looks at them with bemusement but Stacy is wondering. STACY Do you think guys find that attractive? LINDA Oh, give me a break, Stacy. You're much prettier than them. They sit and eat their lunches. Linda has her perennial diet lunch of yogurt and raw vegetables. STACY Yeah but they look more sophisticated. You'd probably think they'd be better in bed. LINDA What do you mean 'better in bed.' You either do it or you don't. STACY No there are variables that, like, I might not be good at. LINDA What variables? STACY (shyly) Like, you know, giving blow jobs. LINDA What's the big deal? STACY Well I never did it. LINDA There's nothing to it. She takes out a carrot stick and eases it down her throat. Stacv tries one but chokes. LINDA (CONT'D) You just have to practice a little first. (feels her throat) Relax these muscles. Think of your throat as an open tunnel. The girls try sliding the carrot sticks down their throats without gagging. ANGLE ON A BOY at the next table; sees them and points them out to his companions. STACY What happens... don't laugh at me, but when a guy has an orgasm... you know, like, how much comes out. Stacy stops practicing and looks horrified. Linda laughs. LINDA Just kidding. About 10cc. STACY (enlightened) Oh! That's where that group got its name from. They continue practicing as the boys look on. Stacy manages to get almost a whole carrot down her throat to Linda's amazement. The group of boys break out in applause. Stacy looks very embarrassed. INT. BIOLOGY LAB - DAY The class is situated so that all students sit at Bunson burner tables lining the room. Pat is seated at one of the tables and Stacy takes a seat nearby; she looks at the ledge in front of her. It contains a pig embryo. She listens to the conversation next to her. GIRL STUDENT I'll tell you right now. I'm not going. I'll get sick or something. I'm not going into a room with a bunch of dead guys. ARNOLD You'll go. It's part of the final. GIRL STUDENT (a Pat Benatar) Have you heard what they do? I'm serious. Have you heard? BOY STUDENT What? ARNOLD The bodies are dissected, Mike, and Mr. Vargas pulls out parts of the dead body and holds them up. Okay? BOY STUDENT You mean he reaches in and pulls this stuff out? GIRL STUDENT Yes. BOY STUDENT Like a heart? GIRL STUDENT Hearts, lungs, guts... Stacy strains to hear more, just as Mr. Vargas -- a diminutive man holding a coffee mug -- enters the class. MR. VARGAS Good day, everyone! I just switched to Sanka. I'm running a little slow today, so have a heart. ANGLE ON THE RAT He is riveted on Stacy Hamilton, swooning. DISSOLVE TO: INT. STACY'S ROOM - NIGHT We see Stacy's room, a young girl's room with posters and frilly pillows. Stacy is in bed, and her Mother is just leaving the room. MOTHER Sleep tight, Stacy. STACY Good night, Mom. Her Mother shuts off the light, exits. Stacy pulls back the covers. She is fully dressed. EXT. STACY'S WINDOW - NIGHT We see the window to Stacy's room slide slowly open, and watch her slip outside. She hikes down a drainage pipe to the street. EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT A brown MG pulls up. Stacy jumps from the shadows and hops in. The car drives away. INT. RON'S CAR - NIGHT Ron sits behind the wheel, humming casually along to the music on his car stereo. Ron has on a light-brown leather jacket. He looks like a contestant for "The Dating Game." STACY (a little nervous) Thanks for picking me up. RON No problem. He speeds off, turning up the radio to sing along. RON (CONT'D) 'The Cuer-vo Gold, the fi-ine Columbian.' (eyes Stacy) You look nice tonight. STACY Thanks. So do you. RON Where do you feel like going? STACY I don't know. Wherever you want. RON How about the point? STACY (nervously) The point sounds fine. RON (looks at her knowingly) All right, the point it is. We see Stacy's anxious face, as the car speeds up Ridgemont Drive, with music. EXT. THE POINT - NIGHT Stacy and Ron sit in the car, listening to music. The "point" is a natural lookout spot that lovers can "discover." It is behind the baseball field and dugout of Ridgemont High School. Stacy and Ron get out of the car and walk to the baseball dugout. INT. DUGOUT - NIGHT They sit side-by-side. Above them, a single light bulb shines a very private fifty watts on things. STACY That's a nice shirt. RON Thanks. Thanks a lot. Silence. They look at each other, look away. RON (CONT'D) It's very warm out tonight. STACY It is. It's very warm. I wonder how long it will last? Ron leans over and kisses Stacy lightly on the cheek. Stacy sits quietly for a moment, thinking, was that the first move? Then she lunges at Ron and kisses him square on the mouth. At first surprised, Ron then holds her there and kisses her in return. After a time, he breaks away. RON Are you really nineteen? STACY Yes... I am really nineteen. They continue making out. RON I think I better take you home. STACY What about those other guys you live with? RON No. I mean back to your home. But they make no moves in any direction. They continue making out. Ron begins unbuttoning her blouse and massaging Stacy's breasts. A moment later, he tugs at her pants. Awkwardly, she starts to help him. He tilts her backward onto the concrete dugout bench. They kiss feverishly, her hand pulling off her shoes, then her pants. Ron goes to work. RON (CONT'D) (whispers) Is this your first time? STACY Yes. STACY'S POINT OF VIEW as she feels a man enter her for the first time, we see the graffiti above her: Surf Nazis Lincoln was here -- Sieg Heil Led Zeppelin Dan y Roberto (Disco Fags) DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SCHOOL LOCKERS - DAY Stacy is standing by her locker, twirling the combination. She is joined by Linda Barrett. LINDA Was it great? STACY It was okay. I LINDA You'll always remember your first time. STACY It was nice. LINDA So tell me, do you like Ron? Is it serious? STACY Come on, Linda. It's just sex. LINDA Hey! That's my line! They both laugh and walk down the hall. EXT. HAMILTON HOME - LATE AFTERNOON Stacy arrives home. The Hamilton home has that anonymous prepackaged tract look, like many others in this lower-middle class neighborhood. Brad washes his car in the driveway and listens to the car radio. BRAD Mom says to clean up the pool. STACY Why can't you do it? BRAD Your friends use the pool. Your friends messed it up. STACY Your friends use the pool too. BRAD I take out the garbage. STACY Don't strain yourself. Stacy bristles, and heads inside the front door. INT. HAMILTON LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON The furniture in the Hamilton living room looks like it was gleaned for a sale at Pic 'N Save. Through the living room, one can see a very small, kidney-shaped pool. Stacy checks an erasable telephone message sheet near the refrigerator. There are two names on it: BRAD/STACY. Brad's side is filled with messages. Stacy's is empty. She notices a summer bouquet floral arrangement. Stacy reads the attached note. It reads: "Memories of You, Ron Johnson." She quickly gathers it up and carries it back outside. She fans the door several times to dispel the odor. EXT. HAMILTON DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON STACY Brad! Have Mom or Dad seen this? BRAD They're not home yet. STACY Brad, what would you say if I asked you to just put these flowers in the trunk of the Cruising Vessel and get rid of them at work? BRAD I'd say... who the hell is Ron Johnson? STACY I'll explain everything later. Brad nods, as Stacy pushes the flowers into his arms. INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - AFTERNOON Damone expertly fills two glasses three-quarters full of Kahlua, then adds a few drops of milk. Music is playing on a nearby speaker. Damone hands The Rat a drink and checks himself out in his mirror. DAMONE See that moustache coming in, Rat? There is only a hint of peach fuzz, but he grooms it anyway. DAMONE (CONT'D) See? You can almost press it out. Damone turns around. His friend is preoccupied. THE RAT I am in love. Damone takes a sip of his drink, looks at The Rat. DAMONE You... are a wuss. Part wimp. Part pussy. THE RAT What do you mean -- wuss? This girl is my exact type. It's her. Definitely her. DAMONE (distracted) It's definitely your mama. THE RAT Damone, you gotta listen to me. Damone quits puttering around his room with the Kahlua and milk. He grabs a chair and straddles it. DAMONE All right... where did you see her? THE RAT She's in my biology class. DAMONE Did you get her number? THE RAT No. DAMONE Did you get her name? THE RAT No. It's too soon. DAMONE It's never too soon! Girls decide how far to let you go in the first five minutes. THE RAT Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to this strange girl in my biology class and say, 'Hello! I'd like you to take your clothes off and jump on me?' DAMONE (thoughtfully) I would. Yeah. THE RAT Really? DAMONE I can see it all now. This is going to be just like the girl you fell in love with at Fotomat this summer. You bought forty bucks of fuckin' film and you never even talked to her. THE RAT (woeful) You tell me, Mike. What do I do? DAMONE Okay. Okay. (sighs, but loves it) Here's what you do. Damone gets up, moves to the door. DAMONE (CONT'D) You start from the second you walk into biology. Don't just walk... move across the room. He saunters over to the chair. DAMONE (CONT'D) Don't talk to her. Let her know. Use your face. Use your body. Use everything. This is what I do. I just sent out the vibe and I have personally found that... girls do respond. Something happens. THE RAT Of course something happens. You put the vibe out to thirty million chicks, you know something's gonna happen. DAMONE That's the idea, Rat. That's The Attitude. THE RAT The Attitude? The Attitude dictates that you don't care if she comes, stays, lays or prays. Whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. When you are the cruelest and the coolest... then you have The Attitude. Damone knocks down the rest of his drink, and we... DISSOLVE TO: INT. CARL'S JR. KITCHEN - NIGHT We see Brad operating at full throttle in the kitchen, and taking a moment to sneak a kiss with his girlfriend Lisa as she goes to the front counter to open up a cash register. She allows him only one kiss. LISA Were those flowers really for me, Brad? BRAD Of course. LISA How much did they cost? BRAD Don't worry about it. She gives him a kiss... on the cheek. BRAD (CONT'D) Let's go to the Point tonight. She pulls away. LISA What's there to do at the Point? Brad shifts his weight, tries to find the right words. BRAD What's there to do at the Point? God, Lisa, we've been going together almost two years, and... LISA Brad. I don't want to have to use sex as a tool. BRAD Tool? Tool for what? We've been going together almost two years! LISA I don't want to talk about it here, Brad. Brad prepares to respond. He squints his eyes, prepares for a truly sizzling comeback, when Dennis Taylor, short and prematurely balding assistant manager of Carl's Jr., comes bustling out of his back office. He quickly surveys the situation in the kitchen. TAYLOR Hamilton! You have fifteen double cheese to box! Lisa returns to her cashier post, leaving Brad's last words stalled in his mouth. EXT. HAMILTON HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT We see the Hamilton's cul-de-sac home. All the lights are off in the house at this hour. Except for Brad's room. INT. BRAD'S ROOM Brad is alone in his room. He's prone on his neatly made bed, reading a paperback book entitled Power With Class. On the wall of Brad's room is a large framed photo of a Carl's Jr. hamburger. Brad hears a muffled knock at his door. BRAD Come on in. Stacy walks into Brad's room. STACY Thanks for getting rid of those flowers. BRAD Don't worry about it. Who sent the flowers? STACY It's just some guy I met at Swenson's. You don't know him. BRAD I don't care it you tell me or not. I got problems of my own. He begins pacing. STACY Is everything okay at work? BRAD Are you kidding? Work is great. I kill at work. I don't even mind Mom and Dad making me pay rent. STACY You're going to break up with Lisa, aren't you? BRAD I've been doing some thinking. It's my last school year. I'm a single, successful guy. I think I want my freedom. STACY Why? Because she won't sleep with you? BRAD Where did you hear that? STACY I'm just guessing. BRAD Well... it's true. STACY Maybe you just need to give her some time. She's so nice, Brad. Everybody loves Lisa. BRAD Everybody loves Lisa. Everybody loves Lisa. But everybody doesn't have to be her boyfriend. Suddenly, Stacy pops the question. STACY Hey, Brad. Are you still a virgin? BRAD Why? STACY I don't know. I was just curious. BRAD Maybe yes. Maybe no. STACY You are a virgin! BRAD I didn't say that. STACY But your face did! They laugh. Then Brad turns serious. BRAD Are you still a virgin? STACY Maybe yes. Maybe no. BRAD Don't give me that shit! I know you're still a virgin! Stacy smiles and stands up. She playfully slaps her brother on the arm and walks down the hallway to her room. We can see there is less frill and lace in Stacy's room. The junior high paperbacks are gone. There are no dolls in sight. EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - NIGHT Linda and Stacy walk past rows of cars. Stacy stops at a brown MG. STACY There... There's his car. I know he's at work tonight. He hasn't come into Swenson's since he called my house. My mother told him I was still at high school, after I told him I was nineteen. I guess I should tell him I'm fifteen. LINDA Don't you dare, you'll never hear from him again. STACY Does Doug care that you're seventeen? LINDA Doug sees beyond that stuff to what the person inside is like. That's why I'm marrying him. STACY If he ever calls again I'll say I'm eighteen. LINDA Boy I am so glad to be through with all these games. They enter the mall. INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - MORNING We are now several weeks into the school year. Mr. Hand is dropping test papers on desks like they are pieces of manure. MR. HAND C... D... F... F... F... three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people? On dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our daily liv.... Mr. Hand stops on a dime. He is like a champion hunting dog that has just picked up the scent. He scans the room. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Where is Jeff Spicoli? There is silence in the U.S. history classroom. MR. HAND (CONT'D) I saw him earlier today near the 200 Building bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Silence. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Anyone? One student sitting next to Stacy raises his hand. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Yes, Desmond? DESMOND I saw him by the food machines. MR. HAND How long ago? DESMOND Just before class, sir... Mr. Hand snaps his fingers, Hawaii Five-O style. MR. HAND Okay. Bring him in. Desmond hustles out the door. MR. HAND (CONT'D) What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? Mr. Hand begins to pace the aisles as he speaks. Occasionally, for emphasis, he bends down to lecture directly into the students' faces. MR. HAND (CONT'D) There are other teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. (points to attendance clip on the doorway) It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you, you pretend you don't ditch. Who pays the price later? You. Desmond returns to the room with a red-eyed Jeff Spicoli. SPICOLI Hey! Wait a minute! There's no birthday party for me here! MR. HAND Thank you, Desmond. (to Spicoli) What's the reason for your truancy? SPICOLI I couldn't make it in time. MR. HAND (in top form) You mean, you couldn't? Or you wouldn't? SPICOLI I don't know, mon. The food lines took forever. MR. HAND Food will be eaten on your time! (pause) Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this? SPICOLI I don't know. Mr. Hand appears mesmerized. He then turns and heads for the board. He writes in long, large letters as he slams the chalk into the green board. He writes: "I DON'T KNOW". MR. HAND I like that. He stands back and admires it. He turns randomly to Stacy. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Don't you like that, Miss Hamilton? STACY Yes, sir. MR. HAND I really like that too. 'I don't know'... that's nice. 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' 'Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know'. I like that. I think I'm going to leave your words on this board for all my classes to enjoy. Giving you full credit, of course, Mr. Spicoli. We hear the blare of the dismissal bell. Stacy and the other students get up to leave. Spicoli stays in place. He has just figured out a truly bitchin' comeback... and his mouth is forming the first word, when Mr. Hand cuts him off. MR. HAND (CONT'D) You can go now. Hand turns back to his desk. The rest of the students have already left. Spicoli's audience is gone. He shrugs and lopes out the door. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL - AFTERNOON It's Christmas time at the Ridgemont Mall. All three tiers are strung with neon lights, and we hear the sound of the bell-ringing Santas. INT. SWENSON'S - AFTERNOON Stacy and Linda are enjoying a brief lull in the Christmas season madness. They sit at the sundae bar. Stacy looks forlorn, almost red-eyed, as she makes a sundae. LINDA You've got to get used to working Christmas. People are always screaming and yelling... then they get home and they're all Christmasy. STACY I think Christmas brings out the worst in people. LINDA I guess Ron hasn't called yet. STACY Not since November. Linda nods her head, always the coach. LINDA Stacy, it doesn't look good for the relationship. Stacy continues making her ice cream, slapping the scoops onto the stainless steel dish. STACY (sighs) Don't you think it meant anything to him. Even if I am fifteen? LINDA Stacy. What does it matter? He's a stereo salesman. You want to marry him? You want to have kids with him? You want this guy to come home, fifty years old, and he's still got that little Pacific Stereo badge on? Come on. ANGLE ON GREGG AND CINDY who are seated at a back table, feeding each other. Stacy looks at her finished sundae. STACY I should quit this job. I'm going to get so fat working here... nobody will ever take me out. LINDA Stacy. How many times do I have to tell you? You are really going to be beautiful... someday. STACY Thanks a lot. Linda punches Stacy lightly on the shoulder. LINDA Hey -- Ron Johnson? It's his loss. We follow Stacy, as she walks into the dining room to serve the sundae. INT. WHEREHOUSE RECORDS - MALL - DAY We see a group of buzz-cut young toughs, walking in formation, hunched over, sneering and wearing sleeveless U.S. Army fatigue jackets. None of these damaged-looking kids is over the age of fourteen. They pass to reveal this legend on their backs: LINCOLN SURF NAZIS. Angle on Mike Damone and Mark Ratner, who are standing by the upcoming concert list posted on the door to Wherehouse Records. Damone sees the Surf Nazis pass, turns to Mark Ratner, who is still wearing his Cinema Four jacket. DAMONE The business is changing, Rat. I'll tell you, these kids today... they don't even listen to Aerosmith. THE RAT I hear they all dress like that at Lincoln now. DAMONE There used to be three or four of those guys. Now we see 'em every time we come to the mall. Damone is approached by a couple of young ticket Customers. CUSTOMER #1 Got any Blue Oyster Cult tickets? DAMONE No Cult. I ate twenty-four pairs of Blue Oyster Cult tickets last time around. I was this close to working at 7-11. No Cult. Suddenly we see all ticket business stop. Damone and his customers see someone menacingly coming directly for them. The small crowd parts as Charles Jefferson, football duffel bag in hand, walks up. With him is a thick, tough, miniature version of himself. This is Little Charles. They both stop in front of Damone. JEFFERSON (after long look) When is Earth, Wind and Fire coming? DAMONE (respectfully) I'm really not sure. I haven't heard anything yet, but I'll let you know the second there is the slightest news, sir. JEFFERSON I'm taking my little brother. DAMONE Excellent. So that will be two tickets... All right. Fine, sir. Jefferson and L.C. push past the customers. CUSTOMER #2 Wow. He really lives here. I thought he just flew in for the football games. DAMONE (gaining composure) Shit, he's my man. He knows where to come for tickets. Damone turns to The Rat. DAMONE (CONT'D) Well, Rat. Are you ready for the moment of truth? The Rat adjusts his jacket, and nods. THE RAT She is immune to my charms. They walk together towards Swenson's, as The Rat drapes his aqua-blue Cinema Four jacket around his shoulders, like a French film director. Damone walks a few steps, then stops Rat. DAMONE Hey, Rat. THE RAT Yeah? DAMONE Ace the jacket. The Rat considers the suggestion, gets rid of the jacket. They continue towards Swenson's. EXT. SWENSON'S - DAY The Rat pulls open the door to Swenson's. He walks toward the counter to Stacy Hamilton. STACY Hi. May I help you? The Rat feels the beginnings of cold panic, but barges through nonetheless. THE RAT Yes. I have two questions. I was curious... His voice becomes a shade deeper. He begins to pull The Attitude together. THE RAT (CONT'D) What do you do with the jackets people leave here? STACY (smiling) We keep them. THE RAT You keep them. STACY We keep them, in case the people come back. She reaches under the counter and pulls out a cardboard box with some rumbled jackets and other items. STACY (CONT'D) Here they are. You can look through it, if you want. The Rat chuckles to himself, struggling with The Attitude. THE RAT It's cool. It would take too much time to go through all that stuff. I'll just pick up a new one. Stacy smiles. He's obviously awkward, and she likes it. STACY What's your other question? THE RAT My other question is... can-I-have your-phone-number-so-I-can-ask-you out-sometime? To The Rat's surprise, Stacy continues smiling. STACY Do you have a pen? This one's out of ink. THE RAT Oh... yes. He pulls one out of his jacket pocket, gives it to her. Stacy writes her name and phone number on a scrap of paper and gives it to him. The Rat looks at the paper. THE RAT (CONT'D) Stacy. Nice to meet you, Stacy. My name is Mark Ratner. He sticks out his hand, and they shake. We see The Rat turn around and walk out of Swenson's. EXT. SWENSON'S - AFTERNOON The Rat exits with ultimate cool. He sees Damone waiting just off to the side, talking to some girls. The Rat nods, gives him the thumbs-up. Damone returns the gesture. All-Attitude. EXT. CARL'S JR. - MORNING Carl's is happening tonight. There are lots of kids inside. We hear charging rock music -- "Girls Got Rhythm" by AC/DC -- coming from a radio in the back kitchen. INT. CARL'S JR. BATHROOM - MORNING Inside the bathroom, Brad Hamilton applies the Carl's scrub brush to a felt tip graffiti message near the mirror: I EAT BIG HAIRY PUSSY. He pauses and catches himself in the mirror. He adjusts his hair. BRAD (talking to mirror) Lisa? I have something to tell you. Look, I'm a senior now. I'm a single, successful guy and I've got to be fair to myself. Lisa... I think I need my freedom. Brad pauses, looks at the mirror soulfully. BRAD (CONT'D) Aw, don't do that... don't take it personally, okay? Please? I knew you'd understand, because... The bathroom door opens -- it's Arnold, the boy who Brad got a job. ARNOLD Brad! I know you're on your break, but would you cover me on register three? Brad nods, exits: INT. CARL'S JR. COUNTER Brad stands at the register. We see a prominent display over Brad's head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST. The last of many harried businessmen customers gets his breakfast order and takes his seat. Brad is joined by Dennis Taylor, the Assistant Manager. DENNIS Come on. Clean that counter off Brad. Let's go. Play ball. BRAD Okay, Dennis. Brad begins polishing the counter and Dennis Taylor returns to his office at the back of the kitchen. Brad watches him disappear behind the door that says: ASSISTANT MANAGER. As soon as Dennis disappears behind the door, the one Businessman in the place rises and returns to the counter. BRAD (CONT'D) (nervously) May I help you? The Businessman has short, curly brown hair. He speaks in a whine. BUSINESSMAN Yes. This is not the best breakfast I ever ate. The Businessman points to the huge display over Brad's head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST. BUSINESSMAN (CONT'D) And I want my money back. Brad begins searching under the counter. BRAD Well, I believe you have to fill out a form. There's a pad right around here. BUSINESSMAN No. I want my money back right now. BRAD Well, that's not the way it works, really. And you ate most of your food already, too... BUSINESSMAN See that sign? It says 100% Money Back Guarantee. Do you know the meaning of the word 'guarantee'? Do they teach you that here? Give me my money back. Brad begins looking to the restroom. "Where's Arnold?" BRAD I can't do that. But if you wait a minute... BUSINESSMAN (as if talking to a kindergartner) Look. Just put your little hand back in the cash register and give me my $2.75 back. Okay? (looks at name tag) Please, Brad? BRAD I'm sorry, sir. Just let me find the forms here. BUSINESSMAN I am so tired. I am so tired of dealing with morons. How hard is it to... Brad looks up from under the counter. No amount of pay will make him take that kind of insult. BRAD Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass. BUSINESSMAN Manager!! "Bam!" The door to the Assistant Manager's office swings open, and Dennis comes hurtling out of the back. DENNIS Can I help you, sir? Is there a problem? BUSINESSMAN You bet there's a problem! Your employee used profanity and threatened me with violence! I'm shocked, frankly. I've eaten here many times and I've always enjoyed the service -- until today! Angle on bathroom door as it opens and Arnold starts towards the register. He quickly sees the incident with the irate Businessman and ducks back inside the bathroom. BUSINESSMAN (CONT'D) All I wanted was my money back for this breakfast. It was a little undercooked. And this young man threatened me. Now I plan to write a letter! I plan to... Dennis wheels around to Brad. DENNIS Did you threaten this man or use profanity in any way? BRAD He insulted me first. He called me a moron. DENNIS Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way? BRAD Yes, sir. DENNIS You're fired. Brad looks around, expecting his friends to defend him. Dave and Rich seem very occupied with their work. Brad is stunned. DENNIS (CONT'D) (to Businessman) I'm very sorry this happened to you, sir. BUSINESSMAN Thank you very much. Then Brad unhooks his fryer's apron and throws it on the counter. He grabs a backpack and walks out of the place. On the way, he bangs the bathroom door with his fist. BRAD I hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BRAD'S ROOM - DAY He arrives back in his room and locks the door. He yanks the burger picture off his wall, dumps it into the trash. Then he takes it back out of the trash and cracks the cardboard picture and plastic frame in half. DARKNESS We are in the middle of a deep, dark void. After a moment, a pinprick of light appears in the distance. We head towards the light. We are being led somewhere important. As we draw still closer, curtains suddenly part to reveal a wildly cheering studio audience. We hear the voice of Merv Griffin. MERV GRIFFIN (O.S.) Will you please give a warm welcome to... Jeff Spicoli! The Merv Griffin Show band begins playing a Merv Griffin Show version of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell". Someone hands Jeff Spicoli a microphone. He works the studio audience into a frenzy as he sings the words to "Highway to Hell": Merv Griffin show style. SPICOLI (singing) 'Layin' ladies! Drinkin' wine! You gotta dollar -- You're a friend of mine! Gettin' loose! Feelin' fine! You and me -- It's get down time! We're on the Highway to Hell! The Highway to Hell!' Spicoli finishes up with a spectular pump. The audience goes wild as Merv Griffin greets him warmly, and guides Spicoli to his seat. Spicoli motions for the cheers to die down. Griffin is obviously happy to see him. He touches Spicoli's arm lightly. GRIFFIN How've you been? SPICOLI Outrageous, Merv. Nice to be here. I feel great. GRIFFIN I was going to say... your eyes look a little red. SPICOLI I've been swimming, Merv. The audience howls. It's a famous Spicoli line. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Seriously, Merv, everything is great. I was thinking about picking up some hash this weekend, maybe going up to the mountains. GRIFFIN (concerned) I wanted to talk a little bit about school, if I could... SPICOLI School. (sighs) School is no problem. All you have to do is go to get the grades. And if you know something, all you have to do is go about half the time. GRIFFIN How often do you go? SPICOLI I don't go at all. The audience is howling again. He is Merv's favorite guest. GRIFFIN I hear you brought a film clip with you. Do you want to set it up for us? SPICOLI Well, it pretty much speaks for itself. Peter, you want to run with it? EXT. A MASSIVE WAVE - DAY The film clip begins. It is a mammoth wave cresting against the blue sky. SPICOLI (V.O.) Merv, this is the action down at Sunset Cliffs at about six in the morning. GRIFFIN (V.O.) Fascinating. A tiny figure appears at the foot of the wave. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) Who's that? SPICOLI That's me, Merv. The audience gasps. GRIFFIN (V.O.) Are you going to ride that wave? SPICOLI Totally. We watch as Spicoli catches the perfect wave, and it hurtles him through a turquoise tube of water. GRIFFIN What's going through your mind right here, Jeff? The danger of it all? SPICOLI Merv, I'm thinking... I've only got about four good hours of surfing left before these little clowns from junior high start showing up with their boogie boards. The audience is howling once again... when suddenly we hear the loud noise of a door opening, followed by a shrill voice. It is Spicoli's eight-year-old brother, Curtis. Jeff Spicoli's dream of glory evaporates. INT. SPICOLI'S TRAILER HOME - MORNING It is a messy trailer, part of a trailer park by the sea. Spicoli's area is small, but he has made it his own. The walls are covered with posters, almost all of them naked centerfolds. It is obvious Spicoli's parents are not welcome in his room. CURTIS Dad says you have to get up! SPICOLI Ugh. He groans, starts to struggle out of bed. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Leave me alone! CURTIS Dad says you're late again, you butthole! SPICOLI Leave me alone. CURTIS Dad says! Spicoli reaches over to the floor next to his bed. He pulls a snorkel from the mess, heaves it at the door and his little brother. It bounces off the wall and doesn't even hit Curtis, but the kid starts crying anyway. CURTIS (CONT'D) Daaaaaaaad! Jeff threw a snorkel at me!!!!!! Spicoli gets out of bed, groans again, and kicks the door shut. EXT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM celebrating the big game with rival Lincoln High School. We see Jeff Spicoli stumble from the direction of the parking lot. He heads into the gym, which is already full for a mandatory assembly. INT. GYMNASIUM - DOORWAY - DAY Spicoli wanders into the assembly, takes a seat on a corner bleacher. He sits just below Brad Hamilton and Lisa. On podium in front of assembly, Cindy Carr and another cheerleader, Dina Phillips, are making a presentation before the school. CINDY I just want to say that we are not 'Spirit Bunnies' anymore. We always hated that name. It bugged the heck out of Dina and me... DINA It's just such a put down. CINDY They don't call the Chess Club 'Checker Champs' or anything like that. We're going to go to everything this year, you guys. We're going to go to soccer, wrestling, basketball... everything. We know you've got a lot of spirit! Everybody -- riiiiiight? And we're gonna destroy Lincoln next week? Riiiiiiight? ANGLE ON THE STUDENTS OF RIDGEMONT They don't respond. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI who is asleep in the bleachers. ANGLE ON BRAD AND LISA sitting nearby. We hear them over the drone of the assembly. BRAD Man, I don't even want to see those guys from Carl's again. LISA If you'd apologize I think Dennis would take you back. BRAD Apologize to that wimp? No way. Fuck Dennis Taylor. They sit in silence for a moment. BRAD (CONT'D) I'm just glad we're still together, Lisa, because I need you this year. LISA (sighs) Look, Brad, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you this. We're almost out of high school, this is our last year. I think we owe it to ourselves to be free, and meet some new people. Then, if we get back together, we'll know it's the right thing. TIGHT ANGLE ON BRAD'S FACE as he accepts the news. LISA (O.S.) (CONT'D) But I still want to be friends. TIGHT ANGLE ON BRAD'S FACE as it falls slack. INT. GYM - PODIUM IN FRONT OF ASSEMBLY CINDY We're going to be going to every game this year. We just want the crowd to participate and we want spirit from every little person in this entire school. Allll-Riiiight? There is unenthusiastic, minor applause from the assembled students of Ridgemont High. Vice Principal Ray Connors, a tough-looking man with an H.R. Haldeman crew cut, approaches the podium. He has a sour look on his face. CONNORS Well, thank you, girls. People, don't forget, the big game is one week away. We'll see everybody back here on Monday and have a good weekend. For the first time during this assembly, there is a loud and hearty applause. A GRAINY HIGH SCHOOL FILM 57 We are suddenly watching a movie shown on a class projection screen. We see footage of a serene, middle-class neighborhood -- as seen through the glass windshield of a car. Judging from the other vehicles parked on the street, the film is from the early Sixties. We hear the narrative voice of Desi Arnaz, speaking in his inimitable Latin accent. ARNAZ Driving ess an important part of each and every one of our da-ily lives. Ees a responsibility like no o-ther and ess a matter of life and... A ball comes rolling out into the serene street. A small child runs out after it. The driving of our vehicle brakes, but not in time. The film freeze frames on the terrified face of a child about to be splattered. ARNAZ (CONT'D) Death. There is a swell of dramatic music. ARNAZ (CONT'D) They have foun'... The Braking Point. The words flash on the screen and we hear a high school Driver's Training class groan in mock horror. INT. DRIVER TRAINING CLASS - DAY ANGLE ON CHARLES JEFFERSON AND BRAD HAMILTON who are seated in this class. ANGLE ON LINDA AND STACY sitting together in the class. They are oblivious, lost in conversation. STACY What do you think of that guy who works at the theatre? You know, Mark Ratner. LINDA Oh, come on. What is he? Fifteen? STACY Sixteen. Linda looks nauseous. LINDA Just watch out if he pulls up in a van, and then puts on a Led Zeppelin tape. INT. DRIVER TRAINING CLASS The film returns to another serene street scene as seen through another front windshield. ARNAZ The driver here has had jus' two drinks. Two drinks at the home of a frien'. We hear the very-present sounds of Driver's Training students. STUDENT #1 He's fucked-up, Ricky! STUDENT #2 They guys a drunk, Ricky! ARNAZ And although this driver thinks he ees drivin' well, he may be 'doing okay, but he forgets to per-ceive what ees real goin' on... In the film, another car comes barreling from the left, running a stop sign and exploding into the side of the two-drink goner. In the class, the Driver's Training students are howling. EXT. RIDGEMONT MALL - EARLY EVENING The parking lot is full. Kids and shoppers stream through the entrance in groups of all sizes. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL All three levels are teeming with kids. ANGLE ON THE VIDEO PINBALL ARCADE where we see Jeff Spicoli manning the Missile Command machine. Spicoli wears a red bandana across his forehead. A cigarette dangles from his mouth. He is surrounded by a fleet of young surfers who listen to him with reverence. SPICOLI Be noble. Be aggressive. The thing about Missile Command is to decimate before you can be decimated. Just like in real life. The youngsters hang on every word of the sage advice. ANGLE ON A GANG OF SURF NAZIS walking in formation. ANGLE ON MIKE DAMONE AND MARK RATNER walking the mall. DAMONE Check it out, Rat. The Surf Nazis... out for a Sunday stroll. Damone and The Rat walk on. The Rat is barely interested. He appears deep in thought. THE RAT What do I say after she gets in the car? Damone, obviously in his element here at the mall, stops to flash a winning smile at a well-built older housewife. DAMONE No problem, Rat. What you need is my special Five Point Plan. As he talks, Damone passes a Country Farms shop. He plucks a free sample of cheese and sausage. THE RAT Knock it off, Damone. I need real help. DAMONE What do you mean? Men have died trying to obtain this information. I will give it to you for free. The Rat and Damone continue on. THE RAT Okay. Tell me. What's the Five Point Plan? DAMONE All right. Pay attention. The Rat nods, always the student, as they pass a Wherehouse Record store. Damone stops right in front of a seductively posed life-sized cardboard stand-up of Debbie Harry, the alluring rock singer. Damone begins his speech. DAMONE (CONT'D) First of all, Rat... never let on how much you like a girl. Damone turns to the cardboard cutout of Debbie Harry to demonstrate. DAMONE (CONT'D) (disinterested) Oh. Hi. (turns back to The Rat) ) Two. Always call the shots. He turns to Debbie Harry, who looks on with an inviting cardboard smile. DAMONE (CONT'D) Kiss me. (to The Rat) Three. Act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. (to Debbie Harry; debonair) ) Isn't this great? (to The Rat) Four. When ordering food, find out what she wants and then order for both of you... it's a classy move. (to Debbie Harry; Cary Grant) And the lady will have... (to The Rat) Five. And this is most important. When you get down to making out, whenever possible, put on the first side of Led Zeppelin IV. (to Debbie Harry; seductive) Why don't you put this tape on? It sounds great in the back of my van... why don't we listen from there? ANGLE ON DEBBIE HARRY with the same inviting smile. DAMONE (CONT'D) And that is how you talk to a girl, Rat. Voila. You can't miss. THE RAT I think I've got it. Once I get going, I'll be okay. But... how do I get started? I mean, I hardly know her. DAMONE You wuss. It's no problem. One person says something to the other and that's how it starts... Standing there in the front of the Wherehouse, The Rat nods his head and smiles. He's finally beginning to understand, and we... CUT TO: EXT. THE RAT'S CAR - LATER THAT NIGHT We see The Rat behind the wheel of a green Volvo. Stacy sits beside him. They are driving the streets of Ridgemont. INT. THE RAT'S CAR This is it. The Big Date. "Led Zeppelin IV" is on the car stereo of his sister's van. Finally... STACY Thanks for coming to get me. THE RAT Sure thing. Silence. EXT. THE RAT'S CAR He rounds the corner of Luna Street, off the neon fast-food stand that is Ridgemont Drive. INT. THE RAT'S CAR Yet another silence has fallen. Then, after a time... STACY This is a nice car. THE RAT Yeah. It's my sister's. Silence. STACY Do you have Mrs. George for English? THE RAT Yeah. She is pretty good. STACY Yeah. She is pretty good. EXT. ATLANTIS RESTAURANT - NIGHT They pull into the parking lot of a steak and lobster house called The Atlantis. THE RAT Joey at Cinema Four said this is a pretty good restaurant. STACY I've heard that, too. The Rat finds a parking spot near the back of the lot, grateful that the long silence is over. He walks with Stacy to the front of The Atlantis. INT. THE ATLANTIS - NIGHT The Rat and Stacy are escorted by the host to a nearby table. They are given large wooden menus. THE RAT Do you know what you want? STACY I think I'll have the Seafood Salad Special. THE RAT Excellent. The Rat leans back in the booth. He is starting to feel in control now. Then something hits him. The panic sweeps across his face. Slowly, The Rat reaches back to check his wallet. It's gone. STACY Are you all right? THE RAT (weakly) Oh yeah. Cool. Cool was the name of the game. Stay cool. THE RAT (CONT'D) Do you mind if I excuse myself for a moment? STACY Not at all. Just as The Rat is about to get up, the Waitress approaches the table. WAITRESS Are you ready to order here? THE RAT Well... sure. (settles back down) She will have the Seafood Salad Special. And I will have... the same. WAITRESS Anything to drink? THE RAT Two Cokes. WAITRESS Okay. Thanks. The Rat gets back up again, looking paler by the minute. He excuses himself and walks over to the pay phone by the Atlantis toilets. The Rat dials a number. Damone answers. INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - NIGHT He is sitting in a chair, leaning onto the back two legs, watching television. DAMONE Yo. THE RAT (V.O.) Damone. It's Mark. DAMONE Mark. What happened to your date? THE RAT It's happening right now. I'm here at the Atlantis. Everything's fine except... I left my wallet at home. DAMONE Did you go home and get it? THE RAT No. It's too late. The food is coming and everything. Damone, I've got to ask you this favor, and I'll never ask you for anything again in this lifetime or any other. Will you please borrow your mom's car, go by my house, get my wallet, and meet me back here? There is silence. THE RAT (CONT'D) Damone, are you there? DAMONE (world-weary sigh) I'm really pretty busy... ANGLE ON DAMONE'S TELEVISION as we see the flickering images of Leave It To Beaver. DAMONE (CONT'D) You owe me for this one. INT. ATLANTIS The Rat hangs up, mildly relieved, and returns to the table. DISSOLVE TO: INT. STACY AND THE RAT'S TABLE - AN HOUR LATER The Rat and Stacy have finished the meal, and desert. ANGLE ON THE CHECK as it sits in a little tray before The Rat. The Waitress approaches the table. It is clear she wants to make room for other customers and bigger tips. WAITRESS Are you sure there's nothing else I can bring you? THE RAT I'll have one more Coke... Do you want another Coke, Stacy? STACY (quizzical) ) Sure. I'll... have another Coke. THE RAT Two more Cokes. WAITRESS (sarcastic) Two... more... Cokes. ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR as Mike Damone finally walks in. Damone looks over the diners, then feigns great surprise when he sees The Rat. DAMONE Hey, Mark. Is that you? THE RAT Damone! You come here? DAMONE I come for the seafood. It's great! Hey... you know what, Mark? I found your wallet the other day. You want it back? THE RAT Wow. I've been looking for that thing! Hey, Damone, have you met Stacy Hamilton? Stacy, this is Mike Damone. Stacy smiles politely, with the slightest sparkle in her eye, as the Waitress returns with the two Cokes. DAMONE Well, I've gotta be running. THE RAT Okay. See ya. ANGLE ON STACY looking strangely at the proceedings. DAMONE Nice to meet you, Stacy. STACY Nice to meet you. Damone leaves. The Rat takes a few quick gulps of Coke, and gets up to pay the bill. As he moves out of camera range, we see the strange look on the faces of waitresses and diners. INT. THE RAT'S CAR - LATE EVENING The Rat pulls up to Stacy's house in the cul-de sac. He stares straight ahead, like a zombie. THE RAT I had a really nice time tonight. STACY Me, too. I'm real sorry someone broke in and stole your tape deck. The Rat nods glumly. THE RAT I never thought it would happen at The Atlantis. Jeez. STACY Do you want to come inside? THE RAT Aren't your parents asleep? STACY No, they're away for the weekend. Brad and I are watching the house. THE RAT Okay. Sure. I'll come in. We see a confused but interested look on The Rat's face. INT. THE HAMILTON HOUSE - EVENING They walk in the front door. The Rat stands uncomfortably in the doorway to the living room. THE RAT Where's your brother? STACY I don't know. Probably out. Want something to drink? THE RAT No. That's okay. STACY Well, I'm going to change real quick. I hope you don't mind. THE RAT Naw. I don't mind. Stacy turns her back and pulls up her hair. STACY Will you unzip me? ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE as the wheels inside his mind start to spin. This can't be what it seems. He unzips Stacy, past her bra, down to the small of her back. It's the first time he's ever done anything like that. STACY (CONT'D) Thanks! She walks down the hall to her room, easing out of her dress as she walks. She leaves the door to her room open. STACY (CONT'D) You can come in, if you want! ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE He is completely unsure of himself, as he begins to walk down the hall. His heart pounds into his throat. He turns the corner and steps into Stacy's room. INT. STACY'S ROOM - NIGHT Stacy stands there, looking gorgeous in an almost seethrough white robe. The Rat pretends not to notice. THE RAT So... pretty nice house you've got here. STACY Thanks. So... (puts hands on hips) What do you want to do? ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE as he struggles with the memory of Damone's words. "Always call the shots." THE RAT I don't know. STACY Do you want to see some pictures? I kept a lot of scrapbooks and pictures and stuff from junior high. How stupid, right? THE RAT Sure. Stacy goes to her closet, reaches up to grab the books from the top shelf. The Rat watches her robe slip up her legs. Then she sits down next to him. Her knee grazes his. It is almost too much for The Rat. Go for it. We see The Rat struggle with the action of putting his arm around her. He almost does, but then reacts as she says suddenly... STACY This is me in the eighth grade. Did you have Mr. Deegan? THE RAT (looking pained) Oh, yeah. I had Mr. Deegan. Her knee grazes him again. Does she expect something? THE RAT (CONT'D) Look, Stacy, I want you to know that... The Rat struggles. Try as he might, he can't seem to cross the line. He can't make his move. He is woeful as he completes the sentence. THE RAT (CONT'D) ... I've got to go home. STACY Do you really have to go? THE RAT Well... it's getting kind of late. Suddenly, The Rat is seized with ambition. He reaches one hand around her right shoulder and plants the other hand directly on her left breast. It looks something like a wrestling hold. The Rat looks at Stacy. Stacy looks back at The Rat. The Rat is absolutely frozen. STACY I guess it is getting late, Mark. She shrugs him off, walks him to the door. EXT. THE HAMILTON HOME - NIGHT We see The Rat's forlorn face as he trudges towards his car. He stops. He takes a breath -- it wasn't that late, he really didn't want to leave. The Rat turns and begins walking back up the Hamilton steps. Just as he does so, Stacy's bedroom light clicks off. It was too late. He kicks at his car. THE RAT You blew it, asshole. Behind him, recklessly speeding towards Ridgemont Drive, is Charles Jefferson's blue Mustang. EXT./INT. THE BLUE MUSTANG - NIGHT Jeff Spicoli is behind the wheel. Sitting next to him is Little Charles, "L.C.", Jefferson's younger brother. They're smoking grass and holding Lowenbrau beers in between their legs. The radio is blasting the music of Rick James. L.C. Hey, slow down. This is my brother's car. SPICOLI I thought he was out of town. L.C. He is. SPICOLI Then don't hassle it. They speed off down Ridgemont. L.C. Seen the new Playboy? SPICOLI Naw. Any good? L.C. Suzanne Somers' tits. SPICOLI All right. L.C. I like sex. Spicoli sees something in the rearview mirror. SPICOLI Hold your beer down, L.C., I think it's a cop. Spicoli slows down. The car behind him slows down. SPICOLI (CONT'D) This is a cop. He's definitely cruising me at busting distance. The high beams switch on behind Spicoli. SPICOLI (CONT'D) What the fuck is this guy doing? The car behind Spicoli then advances to the point where it is now almost touching the blue Mustang. SPICOLI (CONT'D) What the fuck is this guy doing? L.C. This ain't no cop. The mystery car bumps them lightly from behind. L.C. (CONT'D) Hey! He's gonna scratch my brother's car! The two boys start yelling. High beams fill the Mustang with bright light and... EXT./INT. MUSTANG AND GRANADA Then mystery car pulls back, then up alongside Spicoli and L.C. on the left. We hear the music on the radio of George Thoroughgood's "Ride On, Josephine". SPICOLI It's a bunch of Jocks in a Granada! L.C. They're fuckin' with us. The drivers of the two cars eye each others. Then the Granada begins inching over, trying to force Spicoli off the road. L.C. (CONT'D) My brother's car! SPICOLI All right. Die, Granada Jocks! Spicoli guns ahead, in a real bullet move, and easily overtakes the Granada. Spicoli is proud of himself. He checks himself out in the rearview and turns to L.C. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Would you roll your window up, L.C.? It's messing my hair. Spicoli pulls way ahead of the Granada, while L.C. rolls his window up. Spicoli looks over to L.C. and smiles wickedly. Now Spicoli wants to show off. He pushes the pedal to the floor. L.C. We just missed the turnoff to the party. SPICOLI You know the thing I love about Mustangs? The steering wheel. Spicoli fingers the bubbles in the wheel. SPICOLI (CONT'D) With a genuine Mustang steering wheel, you can negotiate a hairpin turn with ease, my man. EXT./INT. MUSTANG on the word "ease", Spicoli curls his finger into one of the Mustang steering wheel bubbles and whips it clockwise. The idea is to turn off onto a side street and head back to the party. But instead, at the moment of the hairpin turn, L.C. is attempting to switch the radio station. Spicoli crooks his finger farther into the bubble than he expected. The car swings in a complete circle, a circle that includes a bright yellow fire hydrant. The hydrant rips the side of the car open like a can of tuna. There is a silent moment of terror. SPICOLI Are you okay? There is silence. Outside the smashed car, the Granada Jocks pass Spicoli and L.C. GRANADA JOCKS Fuck youuuuuuuuuu! Then L.C. stirs and utters his first words. L.C. My brother is going to kill us. He's gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill us. SPICOLI Just be glad you're all right. L.C. My brother is gonna shit. SPICOLI Make up your mind. Is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us? L.C. First he's gonna shit. And then he's gonna kill us.. SPICOLI Will you just relax, mon? He's not gonna kill us. My father is a television repairman. He's got all kinds of tools. I can fix-this car. L.C. You can't fix this car, Spicoli. ANGLE ON THE BLUE MUSTANG waffled and mangled. It is just inches away from scrap iron. SPICOLI I can fix it. MONTAGE OF SHOTS as we see Ridgemont High gearing up for its big Homecoming Game against Lincoln. We see a series of shots of kids talking about it, wagering on the chances of a Ridgemont victory. We see the many signs and placards all over school, proclaiming Ridgemont revenge. We see students lining up to vote for Homecoming King and Queen in the gymnasium. It is the most spirit that Ridgemont has shown this year. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT SCHOOL - FLAGPOLE - DAY From the back of the parking lot, we see a crowd around the flagpole. A group of kids are staring at something. They sadly shake their heads at the sight, as if they are witnessing a funeral. As we draw closer, we see the center of commotion. It is an ugly sight. Someone had wrecked Charles Jefferson's Blue Scholarship Mustang and welded it to the flagpole. Spray-painted on the side was the message: LINCOLN SURF PUNKS RULE. EXT. RIDGEMONT BLEACHERS - NIGHT The Ridgemont football bleachers are full of cheering students. We see the same basic groups from lunch court, and many more. The cheerleaders are on the field -- Cindy Carr, Dina Phillips and company -- and their cheerleader "husbands" sit directly in front of them in the stands. Linda and Stacy sit in the bleachers with some of the Swenson's girls. The Rat and Damone sit several rows above them, watching. The teachers sit together in another section. ANGLE ON BRAD HAMILTON who is again sitting alone in the bleachers. Watching. Several old lunch court friends pass by, on their way to the concession area. STUDENT #1 Hey, Brad! How's going? BRAD All right. STUDENT #2 Where you working? BRAD Fish and chips place. STUDENT #1 Which one? BRAD Just a fish and chips place. Brad says nothing more. The students look at each other. STUDENTS We'll be seeing you, Brad! BRAD (sullen) Later. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - THE GAME - NIGHT Everyone is cheering the amazing game on the field. Charles Jefferson is poised on the offensive line. He mutters a string of obscenities at the opposing Lincoln player. The ball is snapped, and Charles Jefferson comes directly at the player with both elbows up and angled to hit inside his helmet. The Lincoln player is hit and keels over. Charles Jefferson sets up for another play. The ball is snapped. Ka-boom. Down falls another Lincoln player. Jefferson doesn't know who it was who wrecked his Mustang, but he wasn't about to spare any of them. There is pure madness in his eyes. It has taken him over. The Ridgemont points rack up. Jefferson is single handedly maiming Lincoln for Homecoming. EXT. RIDGEMONT BLEACHERS - NIGHT We see Jeff Spicoli and L.C. sitting calmly in the bleachers, watching. SPICOLI I think we may have gotten away clean. EXT. FIELD AND SCOREBOARD The half-time gun fires and the score is 36-7... Ridgemont. Even the Ridgemont players steer clear of Charles Jefferson as they return to their locker room. EXT. THE HAMILTON POOL - HOT AFTERNOON - SEVERAL WEEKS LATER Linda and Stacy are sitting by the pool, dressed in string tie bathing suits. They are listening to the music of Tom Petty's "Breakdown" playing on the living room stereo. Linda luxuriously applies suntan lotion to her chest and legs, in long and writhing strokes. Stacy reads a book. It's called Total Orgasm. Several beats pass. LINDA I sent a letter to Doug today. I'll be so glad when he gets out here. STACY (engrossed in book) You really ought to look at this, Linda. There's a drawing on every page... and all these quizzes. It's like school. LINDA Why don't you put your mother's secret book back? Linda continues regally applying lotion. STACY Listen to this... 'What are your mate's three most erogenous zones?' LINDA (automatic) Okay, penis, that's one, balls... STACY Wouldn't penis and balls be the same category? LINDA You're right. Probably penis, mouth and neck. STACY All right! Here's another one. 'The most satisfactory lovemaking occurs when your mate climaxes first, you climax first, you and your mate climax together?' LINDA Climax together. STACY Does that ever happen? LINDA No. But it's a nice idea. STACY Listen to this ... it says 'Most women derive pleasure from sex, but they don't have real orgasms.' Linda stops applying lotion, considers that thought. LINDA Well... they obviously don't know about Doug. They laugh. Linda resumes applying the lotion. Stacy continues reading the book. A couple of beats pass. STACY How long does Doug take? LINDA I don't know. Thirty to forty minutes. STACY (pause) What's Doug do in Chicago? LINDA He works for the airline. He'll be out here. You'll meet him. Stacy looks at Linda, almost disbelieving. LINDA (CONT'D) (wistful) He's no high school boy. There is a noise by the side fence leading into the Hamiltons' backyard. It is Mark Ratner and Mike Damone. They are already wearing swimsuits. DAMONE Hey! We came over to help you with Math homework! STACY Oh, really? THE RAT Really. We figured you needed the help. On such a hot day. Stacy quickly stashes the book in a stack of towels beside her. She leans over to Linda and speaks confidentially. STACY What do you think? LINDA I think they're both virgins. Stacy smiles, gets up and goes over to the fence. STACY I didn't ask for any help. Did you, Linda? LINDA No. DAMONE Well, that's exactly why I brought some Wisk for the jacuzzi. STACY O-kay, you guys can come swimming. But you have to leave as soon as my Mom gets home. Okay? EXT. HAMILTON POOL Mike Damone yells "banzai!" and dives into the small pool. At one end of the pool is the jacuzzi, which is separated by a tile wall. Damone has already poured the Wisk into the jacuzzi, and the detergent has created a huge bubble bath effect. Damone surfaces and flips into the jacuzzi. Stacy, looking great in a green bikini, sits kicking her legs by the side of the pool. Linda stands on the board. She is poised to dive. The Rat treads water and stares at both girls. Inside the Hamilton living room, the family stereo plays the music of Deep Purple's "Woman From Tokyo". DAMONE Hey, Linda! I'll judge your dive. I'm a champion diver myself. Brad arrives home by the side gate and slams it behind him. He is home from a bad day at work. He walks out onto the patio and stands with his hands on his hips. For the first time, our former campus hero looks absurd. He is still in his uniform from Captain Kidd Fish and Chips -- it is a blue and white striped Pirates of the Caribbean outfit, complete with black plastic sword at the side, and a ridiculously large Ponce de Leon-esque hat. Brad carries the hat under his arm. BRAD Does Mom know you have company? STACY It's just Linda. And Mark from school. Brad ignores the underclassmen, and notices Linda on the board in her maroon bikini. He smiles. BRAD Hi, Linda. LINDA Hi, Brad. BRAD Well, you guys, keep it down. I've got some work to do upstairs. Brad turns and heads back inside. He is just out of earshot when they begin talking about him. LINDA God, he hardly even talks anymore. STACY I know. He hates to have to wear uniforms. DAMONE Poor guy. THE RAT Really. Stacy breaks the spell by jumping into the water, surfacing, and flipping over the tile wall into the Jacuzzi. She sits next to Damone, looking mischievous. ANGLE ON DAMONE AND STACY IN THE JACUZZI talking while the others are at the other end of the pool. ANGLE ON THE RAT casually catching sight of them together from the other side of the pool. We can read the emotions on The Rat's face. He is still taken with Stacy, but his big moment for her appears to have passed. ANGLE ON DAMONE AND STACY IN THE JACUZZI as they talk. Underneath the water, her leg accidentally knocks against his. Then he feels her continue. Damone feels Stacy's cool hand on his inner thigh. Moving upwards, stopping just short of the bulge in his trunks. ANGLE ON DAMONE'S FACE as it loosens and quivers just the slightest bit. This is uncharted territory, even for Mr. Attitude. ANGLE ON LINDA who is now sunning herself by the side of the pool. She rubs her legs against each other, slowly, enjoying the hot afternoon. EXT. BRAD'S WINDOW - ANGLE ON BRAD who is watching Linda from the window in his room. We see him from behind, peeking out the curtains. EXT. POOL - ANGLE ON LINDA who smiles at Damone and flips back into the pool with a splash. Damone steals a look down at his swimsuit. He's popped a big one. THE RAT Why don't you get up and do a dive, Mike? LINDA Go ahead. ANGLE ON DAMONE'S FACE and we know he can't get out of the water yet. DAMONE No. I don't think so. Not right now. THE RAT Chicken! Linda, for one, loses interest quickly. Standing by the side of the pool, she jams a finger in her ear and wiggles it. LINDA Stacy! I've got water in my ears. Do you have any Q-Tips? STACY God, I don't think so. Better look in the house. Linda towels off and heads back inside the Hamilton house. She knows how to walk. INT. BRAD'S BEDROOM AND BATHROOM - AFTERNOON We see Brad's room. The Carl's burger picture on the wall is conspicuously missing. There is music playing from his stereo -- Pink Floyd's "You and Me". We see Brad. He is kneeling on the bathroom floor, his back to us. His green T-shirt is on, his underwear in a pile on the floor behind him. His arm is pumping slowly. Brad is jacking off. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HAMILTON POOL - BRAD'S DAYDREAM It features Linda Barrett, just as she stood on the diving board a moment ago. She is gorgeous. Her breasts seem even bigger than usual. Her nipples are hard, poking through the film maroon string bikini. Water rolls slowly down her cheeks, into the corners of her mouth. Her lips are parted slightly. Her eyes are filled with desire as she says... LINDA Hi, Brad. (pause) You know how cute I always thought you were. I think you're so sexy. Will you come to me? ANGLE ON BRAD IN DAYDREAM in a nice shirt, his hair combed back and looking great. He walks to Linda. She reaches out and grabs him for a kiss, pulling him close. Then she pushes him away, so he can watch as she carefully unstraps the top of her bathing suit. The incredible Linda Barrett's breasts fall loose. She takes Brad's hands and places them on her, as she begins unbuttoning his shirt. They are just about to fall into passionate lovemaking when we hear... LINDA (O.S.) (CONT'D) Hey, Brad! Do you have any Q-Ti... The daydream evaporates and we see real life again with an... INT. BRAD'S BATHROOM - ANGLE ON LINDA'S FACE in the doorway of Brad's bathroom as she watches the sight before her. ANGLE ON BRAD trying to cover himself and act nonchalant and keep his back turned at the same time. The words barely escape his mouth. BRAD Wait just a... minute. LINDA Sorry. I didn't know anybody was in here. Linda turns and goes immediately, as if she wants to forget what she saw as quickly as possible. She closes the door behind her. ANGLE ON BRAD still kneeling. It had all happened so quickly, so fast BRAD Doesn't anybody fuckin' knock anymore? He slams the toilet seat down and we... CUT TO: INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - DAY The third attendance bell rings, and Mr. Hand strides to the front of the class. He locks the door. Then he takes the front of the class and notices something very different. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI bright and clear-eyed, sitting in the front row. His hands are clasped in front of him on the desk. His textbook is open to the proper page. Mr. Hand is suspicious, but continues with class. MR. HAND Now in 1898, Spain owned Cuba. Outright. Think about it. Cuba, owned by a disorganized parliament 4,000 miles away. Cubans were in a constant state of revolt. Mr. Hand begins pacing the aisles as he talks. MR. HAND (CONT'D) In 1904, the United States decided to throw a little weight around, and... There is a brief, sharp knock at the door. Mr. Hand whips his head around, like McGarrett. He approaches the door like a cat. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (sweet voice) Who is it? VOICE Mr. Pizza. MR. HAND Again? VOICE Mr. Pizza, sir! Hand swings the door open, out of curiosity. In walks a young Man in a Mr. Pizza delivery shirt. PIZZA MAN Okay, who had the double cheese sausage and bologna? Jeff Spicoli speaks up. SPICOLI That's me. The Delivery Man takes the pizza, sets it on the desk, as Spicoli whips out some crumpled dollars. Then he produces yet another crumpled dollar, and presses it into the Delivery Man's hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) For you, my man. The Delivery Man thanks him warmly, just as Mr. Hand rages into the picture. MR. HAND Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? SPICOLI Learning about Cuba. Having some food. MR. HAND Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance in my class and on my time. SPICOLI (cool and urbane) I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here... and you're here... doesn't that make it our time? Mr. Hand is so furious he's almost shaking. SPICOLI (CONT'D) So I thought I'd order us a pizza. Just leave me a lot of bologna... Mr. Hand snatches up the pizza, and starts to throw it in the wastebasket. Then he thinks better, and heads for the door. He opens it just as a gang of young Stoners walk past. STONER #1 There's the pizza. STONER #2 Totally! Mr. Hand pushes the pizza into their hands and slams the door. SPICOLI You better save some for me, you swine! MR. HAND And you, my friend. I'll see you for a two-hour detention every afternoon this week. Spicoli eases back in his chair, shrugs. It was a good idea at the time. INT. CAPTAIN KIDD FISH AND CHIPS - DAY Brad Hamilton, looks terribly uncomfortable in his Ponce de Leon hat and buccaneer uniform. He rings up an order for an older Customer. CUSTOMER Why aren't you in school, son? BRAD I go to school in the mornings. I have a work study program for the afternoon. He bags one final coffee and punches up the amount. BRAD $8.46, please. CUSTOMER Here you go. I have it exactly. (sets money down) Good luck! BRAD Thank you, and thanks for coming to Captain Kidd. Brad loosens his buccaneer scarf, and starts back towards the kitchen. He is stopped by the sudden appearance of Captain Kidd Assistant Manager, Harold. HAROLD Hamilton! I'll take over the fryer. Those boys at IBM need some Catch of-the-Day boxes, and I told them you would personally deliver them within the hour. I'll reimburse you for gas. Brad dutifully unhooks his apron, to reveal the bottom half of his pirate suit. BRAD Just write me out a bill. While Harold leans down to tally up the fish order, Brad goes to a nearby employee's closet. He has completely perfected the art of changing back into his street clothes, and it takes less than a minute. He is just about to finish buttoning his street shirt when Harold sees him. HAROLD Hamilton, come over here. What is that you've got on? BRAD This is how I dress all the time. HAROLD But you took off your Captain Kidd uniform. BRAD I thought I'd take it off for the drive over to IBM. It's kind of uncomfortable. Harold can barely fathom the idea. HAROLD Come on, Hamilton. You're going over there to represent Captain Kidd Fish and Chips. We have stores all over Southern California. Part of our image, part of our appeal is in our uniforms. You know that! BRAD You really want me to put all this stuff back on? HAROLD Yes. I think so. Show some pride, Hamilton. ANGLE ON BRAD as he stands there, stoic looking. BRAD I don't believe you're asking me to do this, but okay. He begins taking off his street shirt. He looks at Harold, looks at the boxes, and returns to the closet. INT. THE CRUISING VESSEL Brad is driving down the freeway, listening to the music of Bruce Springsteen's "Out in the Streets." He pries open one of the fourteen Catch-of-the-Day boxes on the seat next to him and pulls out a small piece of fried fish. Brad takes a bite. The look on his face says it is the worst piece of shit he has ever tasted. He throws the piece out the window, and drives on. Brad turns to see a girl smiling at him from another car. It makes his afternoon. He returns the smile with gusto. ANGLE ON THE GIRL as she bursts out laughing and drives away. ANGLE ON BRAD looking perplexed. Then he realizes that he hasn't taken his Ponce de Leon hat off. Brad drives on. A SERIES OF ANGLES ON BRAD'S CAR as we see the Cruising Vessel move down the highway. We see the Captain Kidd hat go flying out the window. Then the plastic sword, and the scarf. Then a couple boxes of Captain Kidd fish. Then the rest of them. We see Brad rip past the IBM Building. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON School is out and kids are leaving campus, heading for the parking lot and bus stop. We see Mike Damone carrying some books, walking towards Ridgemont Drive. He is joined by Stacy Hamilton, who hurries to catch up to him. STACY I can't wait until I can drive next year. I walk every day. It's such a drag. DAMONE Get a ride with somebody. STACY Sometimes I get a ride with my brother. But he usually works in the mornings, and then drives to school himself. DAMONE What a guy. Damone turns to her after a moment, all Attitude. DAMONE (CONT'D) You know Mark Ratner really likes you. You like him? STACY Mark is a really nice boy... Stacy walks along, then stops and looks at Damone. STACY (CONT'D) But I think I like you. They turn the corner. EXT. HAMILTON HOME They have arrived at Stacy's house. There are no cars parked out front. No one is home. STACY Do you want to come in for a second? The Attitude starts to weaken. After a long pause, Damone responds. DAMONE Do you have any ice tea? STACY Sure. Come on in. Stacy unlocks her front door, they go inside. INT. HAMILTON KITCHEN Damone stands in the white linoleum Hamilton kitchen. Stacy opens the refrigerator door. STACY I guess the annuals are coming in pretty soon. Are you going to get one? DAMONE I don't know. STACY Aren't you curious to see how your class picture turned out? DAMONE I know what I look like. Stacy places a glass of ice tea in front of him. They are all alone in the house. STACY Do you want to take a quick swim? DAMONE Well... STACY Brad probably has some trunks you can borrow... I'm going to my room to change! Damone stares straight ahead. She's going to her room to change. Stacy scoots down the hall toward her bedroom. DAMONE This is great ice tea! INT. STACY'S ROOM - ANGLE ON STACY IN HER ROOM In the middle of changing, she has caught her own reflection in the mirror. She pauses a moment, looking at the young girl looking back. INT. KITCHEN - ANGLE ON DAMONE IN THE KITCHEN He continues staring straight ahead. STACY (from other room) You don't have to shout! You can come back here to my room! Damone doesn't move. He pretends he doesn't hear. A moment later, Stacy comes bounding back down the hall in her green bikini. She grabs Damone by the arm. STACY Come with me! I know there's a suit in the changing room! She pulls him away. INT. THE CHANGING ROOM They enter the wood-panelled changing room next to the Hamilton pool. There are two swimsuits hanging from wooden pegs. STACY Pick a suit. DAMONE I don't know. It's getting pretty late... She locks the door to the changing room and begins to walk towards Mike Damone. STACY Are you really a virgin? DAMONE Come on... He could feel his leg starting to shake the slightest bit. STACY It's okay if it's your first time. She gives him a kiss. DAMONE Listen. I feel pretty strange here. Because Mark really likes you, and he's my friend. STACY He's my friend, too. She gives him another kiss. He kisses her in return. Standing there, feeling Stacy in her bikini, feeling her kiss him, Damone also felt some of his reservations slip away. DAMONE You're a really good kisser. STACY So are you. (pause) Are you shaking? DAMONE (shaking) No. Are you crazy? It is clear that this is as far as Mr. Attitude has ever gotten with a girl. Stacy takes the initiative, rubbing her hands through his hair, rubbing his sides, kissing his neck, then pulling away. STACY (whispers) Why don't you take off your clothes, Mike? DAMONE You first. STACY How about both of us at the same time? Damone nods, and watches as Stacy unhooks her top and steps out of her bikini bottom. She stands naked in the shadows of the afternoon sun. She sits down naked on a red changing room couch, and gathers her legs up to her chest. She watches as Damone struggles with his clothes. ANGLE ON DAMONE hopping on one leg, pulling first out of his pants, then his jockey underwear. Bashfully, he goes to sit next to Stacy on the couch. They begin to kiss, and it quickly escalates into heavy petting. Stacy pulls away. STACY I want you to know that it's your final decision if we should continue or not. DAMONE Let's continue. Stacy leans back and pulls him on top of her. He enters her and begins pumping so hard, so fast, that he doesn't notice he's banging the sofa into the wall of the changing room. But just as quickly as Damone starts, he stops. STACY (whispers) Hey, Mike? DAMONE What? Are you all right? STACY I think we're making a lot of noise. DAMONE I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. He has a strange look on his face. STACY What's wrong? DAMONE I think I came. Didn't you feel it? STACY I guess I did. They lay there, Damone still on top of her on the red couch. ANGLE ON DAMONE as we read the confusion on his face. He is embarrassed, a little confused... mostly he just wants to be alone. DAMONE I've got to get home. I've really got to go, Stacy. ANGLE ON STACY as she looks up at him. She gives him a kiss. Damone gets up puts his pants and shirt on. He leaves the changing room. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - AFTERNOON We see Stacy sitting at her usual seat, and she's wearing a bright spring dress with a slight amount of makeup. She looks at Damone's seat with anticipation, but it remains empty as other students file in. Finally, she turns to The Rat. STACY Where's Mike today? THE RAT Today's April 16th. Damone never comes to school on April 16th. STACY What's April 16th? THE RAT It's John Bonham's birthday. STACY John Bonham? THE RAT John Bonham. The drummer for Led Zeppelin. He died a couple years ago. Every birthday he stays home and plays everything John Bonham ever recorded. It's like his own holiday. STACY Oh. I see. The bell rings, and Mr. Vargas enters the room with his Sanka cup. INT. COLLEGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON Seated at the desk is Mrs. O'Rourke. There is a knock at the door. The door swings open. Brad Hamilton holds out his yellow slip. MRS. O'ROURKE Have a seat, Brad... Brad have you got your list of college applications? BRAD Well, to tell you the truth Mrs. O'Rourke, I've kind of been putting it off. I'm not sure what I want to do yet. MRS. O'ROURKE (by rote) All right Brad. Let me ask you like this. If I were queen of the world, and I could make you whatever you wanted to be, what would it be? BRAD I don't know... Burt Reynolds. There is no humor on Mrs. O'Rourke's face. MRS. O'ROURKE I realize it's important to have fun in your senior year, with your friends, but there comes a time when you have to get serious about your future, think about college, and put aside all this fun. Brad looks up suddenly. BRAD You know what, Mrs. O'Rourke? I broke up with my girlfriend this year. I lost my job at Carl's, and two other places. I wake up at 5:30 to work at 7-11, then I go to school, then I go back to 7-11. I have to pay rent, you know. My grades haven't been that bad, and now you're telling me that the fun is over. Well, I'm still waiting for the fun to start. MRS. O'ROURKE Brad, I'll see you when I'm through with the rest of the seniors. If you want to visit the career office, go right ahead. I'll talk to you when you're more prepared. Brad gathers his books and opens the door to leave. MRS. OIROURKE Next! An absolutely exuberant Cindy Carr pops her head in the door. CINDY Hi-yeeeeeeee!!! DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT HALLWAY - MORNING The bell has just rung, and Mike Damone comes out of Youth and Law class. He has an absorbed, driven look on his face. He walks past the rows of lockers, and doesn't even notice as he passes Stacy Hamilton standing by her locker. She smiles, grabs his arm affectionately. STACY Hi Mike! Damone turns to see her, is thoroughly unimpressed. DAMONE Oh. Hi. STACY I didn't see you this morning. DAMONE Look, I'm kind of in a hurry. STACY I'm in a hurry too. I just thought I could say hi to you. DAMONE Hello. He pulls away, leaving a bewildered Stacy standing by her locker. She grabs some books and hurries in the other direction. EXT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY The bus pulls up to the front entrance of University Hospital. The students file out and collect next to the front door. Mr. Vargas gleefully addresses the class. This is his favorite field trip. MR. VARGAS Today we're going to explore how this hospital works to preserve human life. We'll be visiting every floor, every level where these fine doctors and nurses take care of us, in life... and in death. INT. MATERNITY WARD The class exits from a hospital elevator, onto another floor. They are now standing outside the maternity ward. We hear the loud noise of babies. MR. VARGAS Over thirty children are delivered here each day... The class moves on. INT. THE BOTTOM FLOOR The class exits another hospital elevator. MR. VARGAS This is part of your third quarter exam, and I'd advise you to take careful notes on what we're about to see. ANGLE ON DR. MILLER a young intern who has joined the class for the last part of their tour. MR. VARGAS May I just ask you one last time to conduct yourselves with the utmost maturity... The kids are beginning to get very nervous now as they are led down the hall to the "Cold Room." The door to the "Cold Room" has only one sign on it. It reads: CADAVERS -- MEDICAL EXAMINATION ONLY. Mr. Vargas opens the door, and the class seems to gasp. INT. THE COLD ROOM There are six examination tables in the "Cold Room". Each of them contains a cadaver covered by a white sheet. Mr. Vargas has gathered the class around one table in particular. He fingers the edge of the white sheet as he talks. MR. VARGAS As you know, all the bodies in this room are recently deceased human bio-structures. A student raises his hand. MR. VARGAS Yes, Randy? RANDY Who are these guys? MR. VARGAS Most of them were derelicts, Randy. They sold the right for medical examination of their bodies for money. Something like thirty dollars, I believe. Isn't that right, Doctor Miller? DR. MILLER Twenty-five dollars. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI who turns to Stacy. SPICOLI Twenty-five bucks is pretty good. MR. VARGAS Now this gentleman here is named Arthur. Arthur died from heart failure last week and we are fortunate enough to view his body in its pristine state. Mr. Vargas suddenly pulls the white sheet aside and we see the body of Arthur. The students' eyes widen. Some gasp. Others cover their mouths. Others begin furious notes. Nobody speaks. The body of Arthur is smallish and withered. It is orange, flaky, and not quite real looking. A deep cut has been made in Arthur's chest. Mr. Vargas bends Arthur upright for a better student view. He gestures to the deep cut made in Arthur's chest. The tension mounts. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) This incision allows us to pull aside the skin covering of the chest cavity and really observe the human organs as they exist in their natural state. ANGLE ON ARTHUR and his shrunken face, which seems to say please don't. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) I want all of you to take a look at the chest cavity for just a moment. Mr. Vargas grabs the two sides of Arthur's chest cavity covering, and rips it open. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) Here we have the human lungs and heart, which you can see is actually located in the center of your chest. With a squish, Mr. Vargas reaches inside Arthur and pulls out the human heart for display. The class stands in silent shock. Only one comment escapes from any of them. SPICOLI Bitchin'. ANGLE ON STACY HAMILTON who goes running out of the "Cold Room", holding her mouth. The Rat runs after her. INT. BOTTOM FLOOR HALL Rat and Stacy sit side-by-side on some orange plastic chairs, by a nurse's desk. Stacy is shook up. STACY I made a fool of myself. THE RAT Nobody noticed. Don't worry about it. We'll just stay out here until everyone comes out, we'll blend back in. STACY What about the notes? THE RAT I'll get you the notes. She squeezes his arm. EXT. HOSPITAL - AFTERNOON The students file out of the hospital, looking like they've just been through a war. INT. LINDA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT It is night, and Linda and Stacy are watching Fantasy Island. MONTALBAN You see, Tatoo, what this man doesn't realize is that he must one day leave Fantasy Island. And he must continue his life as an incurable leper. Stacy is fighting back tears. Linda looks angry. Telephone rings. Linda jumps to get it. LINDA Hello. Linda obviously is disappointed when she hears a female voice. LINDA (CONT'D) Yeah... you're kidding... What did he say... What did you say... How much did it cost? Look, tell him he can have a relationship with you or a 'more open' relationship with someone else... Listen, Debbie, can I call you later. I'm waiting for Doug to call. She plops back on the couch with Stacy. LINDA (CONT'D) I'll bet he forgets to call again. She notices that Stacy is crying over the TV show. LINDA (CONT'D) God, Stacy, it's not that sad. It's just David Soul and Ricardo Montalban. STACY I don't know, I'm just so depressed. Everything is just so... depressing. Linda shuts off the television. LINDA You have been acting very strange the last few weeks. STACY I don't know... I just don't feel right. Linda sits down next to Stacy on the bed. LINDA What do you think it is? STACY What do you think it is? LINDA It couldn't be. STACY It could be. I had a pregnancy test at the clinic. I'll find out Monday. I guess it was Damone. LINDA Of course it was Damone. If it was Ron Johnson, you'd be out to here! STACY I'm not going to tell him. He's an asshole. I hate him. LINDA But it costs money to have an abortion. Even at the Free Clinic. You tell Damone to pay for it. It's the least he can do. It's the guy's responsibility too. She puts the TV back on and they watch. STACY You know, there's one thing you didn't tell me about guys. LINDA What? STACY You didn't tell me that they can be so nice, so great... but then you sleep with them and they start acting like they're five years old. LINDA You're right. I didn't tell you that. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - TWO DAYS LATER Stacy Hamilton is walking towards Mike Damone on the football field. We see him from a distance, timing track runners. DAMONE What's going on? STACY Mike, there's something that's been on my mind and I have to tell you about it. DAMONE What? Now? He clicks off the time on a runner, and then turns to face her. DAMONE (CONT'D) Why don't you call me up tonight? STACY Mike. I want you to know that I'm pregnant. ANGLE ON STACY as she looks down. They are words she never thought she would be speaking. DAMONE How do you know it's mine? We only did it once. STACY I know it's yours. ANGLE ON DAMONE as he realizes she is sincere, and he truly begins to panic. DAMONE You made me do it! You locked the door. You made me do it! You wanted it more than me! ANGLE ON STACY She does not flinch. STACY Take that back. DAMONE All right, I take it back. ANGLE ON DAMONE He hugs his arms tighter across his chest, and decides to try a more mature tact. DAMONE (CONT'D) There's only one thing we can do. We've got to get rid of it. We've got to get an abortion. STACY We've got to get an abortion? DAMONE Yeah. My brother Art got his girlfriend one once. STACY It's already planned, Mike. It's going to cost $150 at the Free Clinic. DAMONE Doesn't sound free to me. (pause) So you want me to pay for it? STACY Half. Okay? (bites back tears) Seventy-five dollars. And a ride to the clinic. DAMONE Seventy-five dollars, and a ride. Okay. Stacy stands there, hands folded, nodding. DISSOLVE TO: INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - AFTERNOON He is working at his desk, counting through a wad of money. ANGLE ON THE LIST in front of him, which has a split line down the middle. People Who Owe Me -- fifteen dollars Rick. People I Owe -seventy-five dollars REO Speedwagon tickets, seventy-five dollars abortion. Damone counts fifteen dollars into his stack, crosses out Rick. Then he counts through the money. Seventy five dollars exactly. He crosses out REO Speedwagon tickets. This leaves him no money for the abortion. EXT. STREET CORNER - AFTERNOON Here, at the same corner where she once waited for Ron Johnson, Stacy waits for Damone. Cars pass, no Damone. INT. HAMILTON HOUSE - AFTERNOON Stacy is on the phone, calling Damone. We see the phone messages sheet that lists two calls for Stacy, and none for Brad. The line rings four times, then it's answered. FEMALE VOICE Hello? STACY Hello... is Mike there? FEMALE VOICE Hold on. Stacy sags, disbelieving, and looks at the clock on the kitchen wall. It's getting late... FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D) He says he's helping his father in the garage and he'll call you back. Stacy is stunned. FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D) Hello? Stacy hangs up. She punches out another number, quickly. MRS. BARRETT (V.O.) Hello? STACY Hi, Mrs. Barrett. Is Linda there? MRS. BARRETT (V.O.) She went off to the beach. She'll be back later, though. STACY Okay. Thanks. She looks at the clock again, then hears a noise in the driveway. STACY (CONT'D) Brad! Hey, wait a second! She runs out. EXT. CRUISING VESSEL - AFTERNOON Brad and Stacy pull up next to the flea market. STACY Yeah. This is it. I have some shopping to do. BRAD See you later. STACY Thanks a lot, Brad. I really appreciate it. She gets out of the car. EXT. FLEA MARKET Stacy Hamilton watches her brother drive away. Then she looks to both sides, and walks on. She passes the entrance to the Flea Market. She walks around the corner to another building marked BIRTH CONTROL - FREE CLINIC. Brad follows her in the rearview mirror. INT. BIRTH CONTROL CLINIC Stacy is lying in bed wearing a paper dress. Her hair is stuffed in paper shower cap. She looks anxious. In a bed next to her an older girl is being affectionate with her visiting boyfriend. A Nurse comes in with an IV. NURSE This is going to prick a little. She sticks the needle into Stacy's hand. Stacy looks pained but doesn't yell. The Nurse pats the rolling bed. NURSE (CONT'D) Now scoot over here. Stacy moves onto it. Looking up from her point of view, we see the ride out of the room and into: INT. OPERATING ROOM Stacy gets wheeled in. The Doctor looks down at her. DOCTOR Hello, Stacy, I'm Doctor Bartell. Stacy moves onto the operating table as the Nurse and Doctor get ready. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Any questions before we begin? STACY This is going to hurt, isn't it? DOCTOR We'll use a local but you'll feel some pressure. It doesn't last that long. STACY Does it hurt more to have a baby? The Doctor pauses and considers her question. DOCTOR Yes... but I think you mind it less. Stacy looks up at the lights and listens to the sound of suction tubes. INT. B.C. WAITING AREA The other girl and Stacy sit at a table eating toast and jelly. The girl is reading. The Nurse enters. NURSE How are we doing in here? Debbie, ready to leave? The girl nods and gets up. NURSE (CONT'D) Right through here. Stacy, I can't let you go unless you have a ride home. STACY Uh, my boyfriend said held be waiting downstairs. The Nurse studies her, decides she's telling the truth and allows her to leave. EXT. ENTRANCE TO THE FREE CLINIC Stacy walks back out into the sunlight, slowly and weakly. She is surprised and amazed at who she sees standing outside, waiting for her. ANGLE ON BRAD HAMILTON He stands, hands on hips, just outside the door. STACY Brad! He puts an arm around her and leads her toward his waiting car. BRAD Since when do you shop at the Flea Market anyway? STACY Brad. Please don't tell Mom and Dad... He helps her into the cruising vessel. He starts up the car and drives off. BRAD Who did it? Stacy stares out the window. Tears well in her eyes. BRAD (CONT'D) You're not going to tell me, are you? STACY No. BRAD All right, then. It's your secret. Stacy smiles at Brad. Brad smiles back. The car drives on. INT. LINDA'S ROOM - NIGHT Stacy is in Linda's room, sitting on her bed. Her eyes are red and moist from crying. Linda listens to her story. STACY I really thought he would show up. I waited... and waited... and waited... LINDA That little prick. STACY Then I called his house, and his mother told me he was in the garage helping his father. LINDA That little prick. STACY I paid for it and everything. LINDA There goes your stereo for another year. Mike Damone is a no-brain little prick. I'm not letting him get away with this. STACY Don't do anything, Linda. I'd rather just forget about it. I don't even like the guy. LINDA Stacy, he's not a guy. (loud) He's a little prick! Stacy lies back on the bed. EXT. DAMONE HOUSE - MORNING The front door to the Damone house opens, and out walks Mike Damone carrying some books. He looks troubled, burdened, and stares down at the walkway as he moves towards his car. He walks around, starts to pen the car door, then he sees it. There, in white spray paint across the driver's door, is the message: PRICK. DAMONE Shhhhhhhhhit. He looks both ways, and starts back towards the house. EXT. DAMONE CAR Mike Damone travels down Ridgemont Drive, making the turn into the school parking lot. There is a large cardboard panel taped on the side of his car. EXT. DAMONE'S LOCKER He arrives at his locker, where, in white spray paint, there is another message: LITTLE PRICK. Several girls walk by, they laugh knowingly. GIRL #1 Hi, Mike! GIRL #2 Hi, mike! Damone backs up against the locker, with a sick smile on his face. DAMONE Hi... girls. More students pass, looking strangely at the young man pinned against his own locker. EXT. BOY'S LOCKER ROOM - AFTERNOON Damone exits the boys locker room. Just as he does, he is accosted by The Rat. We have never quite heard this tone in The Rat's voice before. THE RAT Damone? What happened between you and Stacy? Damone feigns The Attitude, shakes his head. Damone sighs. DAMONE Let me tell you something, Rat. Sometimes girls just go haywire. It was a month ago, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you ever since. We started messing around and... (shrugs) ... something happened. It's all over with. It's no big deal. I never called her again. The Rat says nothing. DAMONE (CONT'D) If you ask me, she's pretty aggressive. You understand what I'm saying? THE RAT No Damone. I don't understand. DAMONE She wasn't really your girlfriend anyway. THE RAT Hey fuck you Damone. There's a lot of girls out there and you mess around with Stacy. What have you got to prove? DAMONE Jesus. I'm sorry. THE RAT I always stick up for you. Whenever people say 'Aw, that Damone is a loudmouth' -- and they say that a lot -- I say 'You just don't know Damone.' When someone says you're an idiot, I tell them 'Damone's not an idiot. You just don't know him.' Well, you know, Damone, maybe they do know you pretty good. And I'm just finding out. DAMONE Fine. Get lost. Damone starts to push past him, but The Rat shoves his shoulder hard. DAMONE (CONT'D) All right, Rat. You want to do something about it? Damone begins the classic high school fighting ritual. He throws his books down. He takes a step back. He goes into a crouch. He gestures towards himself. Then Damone says the universally recognized high school fighting words. DAMONE (CONT'D) Well come on. The Rat shows no fear. As other kids begin to crowd around the two boys, Rat throws his own books down. He takes a step back, goes into the crouch. He gestures toward himself. THE RAT You come on. They stand there, gesturing, neither one of them wanting to make the first move. DAMONE No. You come on, you wuss. Assistant Coach Mr. Sexton comes running out of the boy's locker room, and steps in front of the two boys. SEXTON Hey! Knock this crap off!! The Rat stalks off, disappearing into the crowd of onlookers. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT DRIVE - NIGHT The Ridgemont Drive strip is filled with cars, cruising for parties. There is a lot of honking, and yelling out windows. Everyone is headed towards the beach. We stay on a lowly 7-11 store near the freeway entrance. EXT. 7-11 STORE - NIGHT A yellow Firebird slowly, menacingly cruises the empty parking lot. It does not stop. Then, around the corner, walks Jeff Spicoli. We see him in the neon 7-11 light, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of baggy jeans. He walks inside the store. He is the only shopper. INT. 7-11 STORE Brad Hamilton stands behind the counter in a red and white striped shirt and cap, making fresh coffee. Jeff Spicoli trudges up to the counter. He looks at Brad. Brad looks at Spicoli. There is an unspoken edge between them. SPICOLI Hey, mon, can I use the bathroom? Brad squints his eyes, looks at the sign on the back room door. ANGLE ON sign which reads: Rest Room For Employees Only. BRAD Go ahead. Just make it quick. SPICOLI Totally. BRAD It's the first door on your left. Spicoli disappears into the back room. Brad sighs, looks at the clock. It reads: 11:15. Then he hears Spicoli from the back room. SPICOLI (O.S.) I can't find it, mon! BRAD It's the first door on your left! SPICOLI (O.S.) On the ledge? BRAD First door on your left! SPICOLI (O.S.) There it is! Brad sighs again. He loads a new filter into the coffee maker. EXT./INT. 7-11 STORE A moment later, the yellow Firebird pulls into the 7-11 parking lot. A man in a windbreaker comes hurtling out of the car, into the store. He spray paints the scanning camera above the door. He hustles up to the counter, produces a .45 Magnum and points it chest high at Brad. There is a glazed and nervous speedy edge to his voice. ROBBER I want money. And I want it all -- now. Brad looks pale and young under the fluorescent 7 11 light. He speaks slowly. BRAD They empty and close the big safe here at midnight. ROBBER (getting tougher) I know this store. I know where the safe is. He bangs the gun on the counter, hard. ROBBER (CONT'D) Over there behind the donut case. Now move! Brad slowly moves to the donut case, like a zombie. BRAD I'm instructed to tell you that we are on a video alarm system and there are other hidden cameras in the store ... ROBBER Just give me the money. Move it. BRAD Okay. (legs are shaking) I just started here, and they just taught me the procedure. I'll give you the money, just let me figure this out. ROBBER (very menacing) Move it. Move it. Brad opens the phony back of the donut case and fiddles with the strongbox combination. ROBBER (CONT'D) (more menacing) Let's go, stupid. Brad looks at the gunman. BRAD You motherfucker. Get off my fuckin' case. The Robber is about to react when the bathroom door opens and Jeff Spicoli starts out, wiping his hands on his pants. SPICOLI No towels, mon... The Robber turns to look at Spicoli, and that is all that Brad Hamilton needs. Just like it is the most natural thing in the world, Brad reaches for the hot, steaming coffee pot he has just made and throws it into the gunman's face and hands. ROBBER Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!!! The .45 falls out of his hand and rattles to the floor. The gunman is still grabbing his face, and looking at his skinless hands in horror when Brad snaps up the gun. In the parking lot, the gunman's accomplice, poised behind the wheel of the yellow Firebird, spots the foul-up and screeches out of the parking lot. BRAD There goes your ride home. Brad pulls the under-counter alarm with newfound confidence. Jeff Spicoli stands there, mesmerized at the entire event. SPICOLI Awesome. Totally awesome. EXT. RIDGEMONT MALL - NIGHT Kids are pouring into the Ridgemont mall. Summer banners are already up. INT. THE MALL - NIGHT In the midst of all the kids and shoppers, we see The Rat walking slowly down the promenade. He is wearing an Army surplus jacket, and his hands are buried deep in his pockets. Two girls pass his way. One smiles briefly at him, and The Rat turns to watch her pass. He is about to say something to her, then no. He walks on, sees Swenson's Ice-Cream Parlor up ahead. The Rat decides to walk the other way. INT. SWENSON'S - NIGHT The place is busy again, filled with shoppers and teenagers in summer-type clothing. We see Stacy Hamilton, once again, at the cash register wearing an Assistant manager name tag and a hostess gown. She handles a customer's bill, then stands there a moment, looking glum. Linda Barrett approaches. STACY Another summer of working at Swenson's. LINDA Come on. There's lots of men around here. Keep your eyes open. STACY You know, Linda. I've finally figured it out. It's not sex I want. Anyone can have sex. LINDA What do you want? STACY I want romance. LINDA Romance in Ridgemont? We don't even get cable TV. ANGLE ON the back kitchen door, which swings open, and out comes Mike Damone in a peppermint Swenson's shirt. He wipes some grime on his pants. STACY Mike! You have a mess on C-9! DAMONE All right. All right. I just cleaned B-8. Give me a break. STACY Get going. The two girls smile, go back to their posts. INT. JEFF SPICOLI'S ROOM - NIGHT Jeff Spicoli sits in his room, and it is his castle. Clothes lie in disarray on the floor. A huge half-waxed surfboard is propped against the window. We see Spicoli dressed in a too large white short-sleeved shirt, attempting to tie his father's fat paisley tie. He stops to take a hit from his bong, all the while talking on the phone. The music of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" plays on the radio. SPICOLI I... am... so... wasted, mon. What is in this shit? (pause) Doesn't that stuff cause brain damage? (pause) Bitchin'. Spicoli listens for a moment. He rubs his eyes, shakes his head. He is really buzzed. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Hey, mon, I am going to Mexico as soon as school is out. Two more weeks, bud. Week from Wednesday. (pause) I am gonna take both boards, my duck feet, many cases of beer, and just jam. (pause) No, mon, from school. I'm leaving as soon as school gets out. I'll be at Sunset Cliffs by nighttime. (pause) Totally. (pause) Later. Spicoli hangs up, and concentrates on tying his tie. He almost strangles himself. Then suddenly the door to his room flies open and Spicoli's little brother Curtis bursts in. CURTIS Jeff you have company! SPICOLI Go away, Curtis. If you can't knock, I can't hear you. Curtis slams the door and leaves. A moment later there is a knock. SPICOLI (CONT'D) That's better. Come in. The door swings open and Jeff Spicoli sits in stoned shock at the sight before him. There, standing in the doorway of his room is Mr. Hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Mr... Mr. Hand. MR. HAND That's right, Jeff. Mind if I come in? Spicoli can only nod. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (calling downstairs) Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Spicoli. Hand walks into Spicoli's room, takes off his suit jacket and lays it on the chair back. He stops a moment and catches the stare of Miss January Penthouse on the wall, then turns to Spicoli. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Were you going somewhere tonight, Jeff? SPICOLI Yeah. The Graduation Dance Mr. Hand. It's the last school event of the year. MR. HAND I'm afraid we've got some things to discuss here, Jeff. SPICOLI Did I do something wrong, Mr. Hand? Hand removes several copies of Oui Magazine from another chair and sits down. He sets his briefcase on Spicoli's dresser, next to a bag of pot, and opens it up for easy access. MR. HAND Do you want to sit there, Jeff? SPICOLI I don't know. I guess so. MR. HAND Fine. You sit right here on your bed. I'll use the chair here. (pause) As I explained to your parents just a moment ago, and to you many times since the very beginning of the school year -- I don't like to spend my time waiting for late students, or detention cases. I'd rather be preparing the lesson. Mr. Hand takes a sheet from his briefcase and looks at it. MR. HAND (CONT'D) According to my calculations, Mr. Spicoli, you wasted a total of eight hours of my time this year. And rest assured that is a kind estimate. He returns the sheet to his case and looks into Spicoli's weed-ravaged eyes. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Now, Mr. Spicoli, comes a rare moment for me. Now I have the unique pleasure of squaring our account. Tonight, you and I are going to talk in great detail about the Davis Agreement, all the associated treaties, and the American Revolution in particular. Now if you can just turn to Chapter 47 of Lord of Truth And Liberty. SPICOLI Hey, it's in my locker, Mr. Hand. MR. HAND Well, then, I'm glad I remembered to bring an extra copy just for you. Hand reaches in his case and produces the book. He hands it to Spicoli. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SPICOLI'S ROOM - HOURS LATER Wearily, Spicoli is trying to grasp the material. SPICOLI ... so, like, when Jefferson went before the people what he was saying was 'Hey, we left this place in England because it was bogus, and if we don't come up with some cool rules ourself, we'll be bogus, too!' Right? ANGLE ON MR. HAND who nods his head. MR. HAND Very close, Jeff. Hand reaches over and gets his case. MR. HAND (CONT'D) I think I've made my point with you tonight. SPICOLI Hey, Mr. Hand, can I ask you a question? MR. HAND What's that? SPICOLI Do you have a guy like me every year? A guy to... I don't know, make a show of. Teach other kids lessons and stuff? MR. HAND Well, you'll find out next year. SPICOLI (smiling) No way, mon. When I graduate U.S. history I ain't even coming over to your side of the building. MR. HAND If you graduate. SPICOLI (panicked) You're gonna flunk me?! Mr. Hand pauses a moment, then breaks into the nearest approximation of a grin we have seen all year. It isn't much, but it's noticeable. His lips crinkle at the ends. MR. HAND Don't worry, Spicoli. You'll probably squeak by. SPICOLI All right! Oh, yeah! Mr. Hand has now gathered all his material, and he stands to approach Spicoli's door. Jeff jumps up, extends his hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Aloha, Mr. Hand! MR. HAND Aloha, Spicoli. Mr. Hand exits the room, and descends the staircase of the Spicoli household. Spicoli kicks the door shut, grins, and continues struggling with his tie. INT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM - NIGHT Tight angle on the emotion-filled face of the lead singer in a cheesy high school band called the T Birds. He is bathed in a blue light, singing the last verse of The Eagles' 'Take It To The Limit'. We pull back to reveal a large, clumsy banner reading: LAST DANCE. Students are pouring into the gym for this event. Many have brought their annual yearbooks. On stage, the lead singer snaps his fingers and the band goes into Nick Lowe's 'Heart of the City'. Some students start to dance. Every one of our characters is either here, or about to arrive. From Charles Jefferson to Spicoli to Mr. Hand. For once, all classes are partying together. But, just as in the beginning of the year on lunch court, the kids are still cordoned off into their distinctive cliques. ANGLE ON MORE STUDENTS ARRIVING at the Last Dance. They see Mr. Hand signing annuals by the door. They all say the same thing as they pass, "Aloha, Mr. Hand". He nods in return. ANGLE ON STACY surveying the growing mob of annual-crazed students. From behind her comes Linda Barrett in a low-cut black dress. STACY Where's Doug? LINDA He's not coming. STACY Not coming? What happened? LINDA He says he's got to stay in Chicago. (sighs) He says I should visit him sometimes. STACY Sometime? LINDA Yeah, like maybe never. STACY But what are you going to do? LINDA Well I might go to Dartmouth. STACY Dartmouth?! LINDA I didn't tell anyone I applied cause I never thought I'd make it. STACY I can't believe it! But what about Doug? LINDA (STOIC) There's a world of guys out there. I just wish I didn't have to date any of them. STACY Hey -- Doug Stallworth? It's his loss. ANGLE ON MIKE DAMONE in another part of the dance, by the Junior class sponsored food counter. Damone is standing, talking to several girls, gesturing and being Damone, Mr. Attitude. DAMONE Sign my annual, honey. The girls look at each other, laugh. They walk away. ANGLE ON THE RAT standing nearby. THE RAT You're losing it, Damone. DAMONE You're crazy. Those girls love me. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI sprawled out in the bleachers with his surfer stoner buddies. He turns to one admiring stoner (Todd). SPICOLI Hey, mon. Sign my annual. Spicoli slips the annual into the kid's crotch. The stoner winces in pain, but still opens the book and lingers on all the signings in Spicoli's annual. They are all drug-related messages from fellow stoners. After a moment, Spicoli's friend signs: "Thanks for the reds. Todd." TODD Hey, mon, good thing we're going to Mexico this summer. 'Cause you're gonna get kicked out of your house when your parents read your annual. INT. GYMNASIUM - ANGLE ON DOOR Brad Hamilton pushes both doors open, and makes his entrance into the Last Dance. There is a lot of activity going on, but all nearby eyes turn to Brad as he walks into the dance. Fifteen kids immediately gravitate towards him. They all want Brad to sign their annuals, to talk about the 7-11 incident. Onstage, the T-Birds play the Beatles' "It Won't Be Long". We see Brad's old girlfriend Lisa push up to him. Her new jock boyfriend holds a protective arm around her. LISA I saw your picture in the paper. You had the greatest look on your face! ANOTHER STUDENT Front of the Metro Section. I'm telling my parents, 'I know this guy, I know this guy.' Lisa's boyfriend pulls his arm tighter around her. LISA Will you sign my annual, Brad? Brad smiles, nods. He signs, and gives her his. We then see Brad's three Buddies from Carl's Jr. come up, pat him on the back and grab his shoulder. Brad studies them warily. BUDDY #1 Fuckin' manager of 7-11! BUDDY #2 Get us jobs over there, Brad! You can do it! BRAD Since when do you guys want to work at 7-11? BUDDY #2 Come on, Brad! It would be great! All of us together! BRAD Well, 7-11 is a tremendous operation. It's really changed, man. They've got great food, great magazines, videogames... it's class. Total class. BUDDY #3 As soon as you can get us in there, we're gone from Carl's, Brad. BUDDY #2 Yeah, man, all the little punks from junior high have taken over the place. Brad leaves his old buddies. He grins and notices someone across the crowded dance floor. BRAD Hey, Thompson! Wendell! Get a job! They laugh, flip him off. Brad is back in his element at last. He moves into the main dancing area, works his way across the room, past the bleachers, when he hears a voice. SPICOLI (O.S.) Hamilton! Brad turns around, seen Spicoli sitting on the bottom rung of the bleachers. Spicoli looks back with true respect. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Awesome. He throws Brad his annual. Brad gives him his. They sign. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Easy, mon. BRAD Later. ANGLE ON THE BLEACHERS where several couples are passionately making out. Four teachers clomp up into the stands from different angles. They pin the couples in flashlight beams, like the main tower pinning an escaping prisoner. ANGLE ON THE T-BIRDS onstage, singing the Rolling Stones' "I'm Free". EXT. GYNMASIUM - NIGHT We see Jeff Spicoli leave the dance and come backing down the stairs with a stoner bud. His fist is in the air. SPICOLI Summer, mon! We're there! He turns to his stoner bud. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Let's roll, my man. Spicoli backs right into a young buzz-cut kid. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Hey, bud! Watch yourselff Spicoli turns around to see he's backed into a squad of eight Lincoln Surf Nazis. They are all standing on the steps, waiting. SURF NAZI Are you Jeff Spicoli? Spicoli looks up and down the row of Surf Nazis. On the end, he sees L.C. L.C. That's him! He did it! SPICOLI Hey, mon, I don't know what your trip is, but... Spicoli dashes off down Luna Street. L.C. and the Surf Nazis take out in hot pursuit, chasing him through the parking lot, past Ridgemont High, and into the night. They will never catch him. SLOW DISSOLVE: INT. RIDGEMONT MALL School is out and it's summer business as usual at the Ridgemont Mall. We see the same stores, the same packs of kids roaming the three tiers. ANGLE ON MARK RATNER who stands against the railing in his Cinema Four jacket, gazing across the mall at Swenson's Ice Cream Parlor. He sees Stacy walk two girlfriends to the outdoor front tables, and almost look his way. The Rat turns away suddenly. Then he hears her calling out after him. STACY Hey Mark! Turn around! Ratner turns around, affects total and complete cool. He waves across the mall to her. STACY (CONT'D) Come over here! He looks back at his post at the theatre, decides it's okay to step away. He walks across the mall. INT. SWENSON'S Stacy is standing by the sundae bar. Next to her are two empty stools. After a moment, we see The Rat plop onto one of the metal stools. He pounds the seat next to him with the palm of his hand. THE RAT You. Sit. Stacy turns to look at him, smiles. She sits. STACY Hi, Mark. THE RAT Hi, Stacy. How are you? STACY I'm fine. Mark, I'm so glad you came over here because I want you to know something. I just thought I would tell you that I really enjoyed getting to know you this year. The Rat maintains The Attitude. THE RAT Yeah? About fifty people I didn't know wrote that in my annual. STACY I know everybody says it, but I really mean it. The Rat looks at her from the corner of his eyes. THE RAT Really? STACY Yeah. I want you to have this picture, so you won't forget what I look like. And so you'll remember to call me over the summer. She withdraws a picture from her pocket, hands it to The Rat. THE RAT Well, I don't know, I may be doing some traveling this summer. I don't know how much I'll be around... (breaks down, takes picture) But I'll give you a call sometime. STACY I'd like that. She gives him a kiss on the mouth, gets up and walks away. The Rat sits there, smiling at the way things sometimes turn out. He slips the picture into his pocket, a satisfied young man. INT./EXT. SWENSON'S AND MALL The Rat is joined by Mike Damone, who has changed into his street clothes. DAMONE She wants it, Rat. The Rat snickers, shakes his head. DAMONE (CONT'D) I saw you. You had pure Attitude. The Rat turns to look at his friend. THE RAT The Attitude, Damone, is only good until you meet the right girl. DAMONE Whatever you say, Rat. They take off together, blending into the crowd of kids walking the mall. THE RAT And... you can only tell it's the right girl if you're sensitive. DAMONE Sensitive -- what is that? THE RAT Sensitive is when you can tell how people feel without asking. DAMONE So what makes you so sensitive? THE RAT Well, for one, I read. I don't watch as much television as you. I'm trying to feel things more. I'm learning a lot about people. DAMONE What do you read? What's the last book you read? THE RAT Lust For Life. It's the story of Vincent Van Gough. DAMONE (scoffs) Yeah, well, I saw the movie. That must mean I'm sensitive too. THE RAT It's a way, Damone. It's a vibe. I put it out, and I have personally found that girls do respond. Damone laughs, shoves him hard. We lose sight of the two boys in the sea of kids. A SERIES OF ANGLES of Ridgemont Center Mall with music. CREDITS FADE TO BLACK THE ENDFADE IN: EXT. RIDGEMONT CENTER MALL - NIGHT From the outside parking lot it looks like an enormous beached whale. It is the prime hangout for all the teenagers in the area. Kids mill around the parking lot or stand by the mall entrance. INT. RIDGEMONT CENTER MALL There are three levels of stores underneath a massive fluorescent roof. Different music comes from each store. It looks seventies-modern, but already used and run-down. Groups of kids cruise the mall, eyeing each other and acting cool. INT. SWENSON'S ICE-CREAM PARLOR - NIGHT The teenage waitresses in their peppermint pattie uniforms are rushing around, trying to keep up with their orders. A good-looking man in his mid-twenties enters and sits. He wears a plastic name tag that says: "Pacific Stereo Audio Consultant, RON JOHNSON." Two Swenson's Waitresses pass by with supreme indifference, and take their orders into the back kitchen. INT. SWENSON'S BACK KITCHEN WAITRESS #1 I think he looks like Richard Gere. The two Waitresses discuss the issue at hand. One of them, Linda Barrett, is the seventeen year old, retired sex queen of Ridgemont High. WAITRESS #1 (CONT'D) I think he looks like... Richard Gere. (Bruce Springsteen) LINDA Did you see his cute little butt? A third waitress enters. WAITRESS #2 Let's talk about C-19. WAITRESS #1 AND LINDA We were! WAITRESS #2 I think I'll drop over and change the shakers. LINDA No, be cool, that's Stacy's section. Through the entrance, we see Stacy Hamilton. She is the fifteen-year-old trainee, sweet-looking with just the last traces of baby fat. She puts down a glass of water for Ron, spills some and mops it up. WAITRESS #1 He's too old for Stacy, she hasn't even started high school yet. A flustered Stacy enters the back kitchen. LINDA How's it going. STACY Do you think that guy's cute? WAITRESS #1 In a blow-dryed kind of way. STACY Does anyone else want to take his table? LINDA Don't you like him? STACY Yeah, but I fucked up. You can take it. Really. LINDA Come on, Stacy, it's your section and your man. STACY What should I do? LINDA Just take his order, look him in the eye and if he says anything remotely funny, laugh a lot. She fluffs up Stacy's hair and gently shoves her towards the door. Stacy reluctantly exits. INT. SWENSON'S DINING ROOM Stacy goes to Ron's table. RON So you working hard or hardly working? Stacy thinks it over, decides it's a joke and laughs (a little too late). Ron looks at her soulfully. RON (CONT'D) You look like you could still be in high school. STACY I know, everyone says that. He stares at her and she stares back uncomfortably. STACY (CONT'D) What can I get for you tonight. RON How about your phone number? Stacy smiles nervously. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL - OUTSIDE SWENSON'S - NIGHT A teenage boy stands in front of an in-mall theatre across from Swenson's. He wears a stiff over-sized tuxedo suit. He is Mark "The Rat" Ratner, a ticket taker on the job. Mike Damone, a transplanted Easterner, bops over from the record store, eyeing every girl he passes. He stops at the movie theatre. THE RAT Do you ever look at those girls who work at Swenson's? They're beautiful. And I have to stand out here and watch them six nights a week. DAMONE You should work for yourself. Two Junior High Kids spot Damone, walk up to him. DAMONE (CONT'D) What can I do for you, gentlemen? JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 You the guy with the Van Halen tickets? DAMONE I could be. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 What do you want for something in the first ten rows? DAMONE Twenty bucks apiece. JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 Those tickets were only twelve fifty! DAMONE So don't buy 'em. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 (to friend) All the other scalpers are sold out, Arnold. Damone reacts indignantly. DAMONE Scalper? You call me a scalper? I perform a service, my friends. The service costs money. Now do you want the tickets or not? The Kids look at each other. JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 Are you sure you can't go any lower. DAMONE These are my special back-to-school prices. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 We'll take 'em. Damone reaches inside his pants pocket for a wad of tickets. EXT. CARL'S JR. - NIGHT At the other end of the mall is a neon-lit Carl's Jr. Hamburger Restaurant. If Swenson's was the warm up, this is the main attraction of the Ridgemont Mall. INT. CARL'S JR. Back-to-school banners hang from the walls. Many kids are lined up at the counters. In the middle of the kitchen, directing all the orders, is a seventeen year old named Brad. He moves confidently, observing the fryer, checking cup supply, and giving an affectionate squeeze to a pretty cashier named Lisa. She lets him kiss her, but only once. A teenage Customer shouts to Brad from the front counter. CUSTOMER Hey Brad! I waited till you came on! I wanted your fries. Brad smiles, walks over to the fryer and discards the fries left from the previous shift. He shouts to the other employees as he puts in a new batch, "his" batch. BRAD We need fifteen Superstars, David! FELLOW EMPLOYEE #1 Okay, Brad! BRAD I'll take care of the fry orders! Just get me the Superstars! FELLOW EMPLOYEE #2 Fish sandwiches! Brad spots three surfers sitting in the dining area. None of them are wearing shirts. BRAD Hey you guys! You had shirts on when you came in here. ANGLE ON THE MAIN SURFER a bleary kid sitting at the head of the table. He runs a hand through his long, stringy blond hair. After a time, he speaks. SPICOLI Something happened to them, mon. BRAD Come on, Spicoli. Why don't you just put your shirts back on? See the sign? ANGLE ON HANDWRITTEN SIGN IN WINDOW that reads: "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Dice" INT. CARL'S JR. A store manager, Dennis Taylor, bustles up to Brad. DENNIS Any problems? BRAD No, just a couple of surfers with no shirts on. I took care of it, Dennis. ANGLE ON SURFERS grumbling, putting shirts back on. It pains them. Dennis heads back to his office when he sees something in the trash bin. DENNIS Did you throw away those fries, Hamilton? BRAD They were left over from the last shift. DENNIS Those were perfectly good fries, Hamilton. (glares at Brad) Perfectly good. BRAD But they weren't mine. Brad laughs, goes back to work. INT. MALL - LATE NIGHT It is closed and only a few janitors remain. Stacy and Linda walk through the large empty mall. STACY He gave me his card. (lovingly) 'Ron Johnson, Audio Consultant.' LINDA (amused) Should we buy a frame for that? STACY Come on, Linda, I haven't had a boyfriend all summer. You promised when I started working at the mall that my life would change... Do you think he'll call this week? LINDA Listen, Stace, you want to know about guys? I'll tell you. They're mostly chicken. Before I met Doug I chased after every guy I thought was cute. I thought if I gave out a vibe they'd get the message and call me up. Well, guess what? They don't call. STACY So what did you do? LINDA I called them. If I was sitting next to a guy and I wanted to sit closer, I'd sit closer. If I wanted to kiss him, I'd just do it. You want Ron Johnson? Grab him. STACY I can't do that. They pass a janitor cleaning graffiti that says: LINCOLN SURF NAZIS and MAGGOT LUST FOR THE DUST. LINDA Face it. With some guys you have to make the first move. A lot of guys are just... wussies. STACY Really? LINDA Stacy, what are you waiting for? You're fifteen. I did it when I was thirteen. It's no huge thing. It's just sex. If you don't, one of the other girls will. STACY (cute) He was hot, wasn't he? LINDA If I didn't have a fiance in Chicago, I'd go for it. A young Girl runs and catches up with Linda and Stacy. GIRL (breathless) Are you Linda Barrett? LINDA Yes. GIRL I'm Carrie Frazier from Toys 'R Us. Judy Hinton from May Company told me I could ask you something. Linda nods. GIRL (CONT'D) I have this situation with my boyfriend, and I wanted to... (looks at Stacy, then whispers in Linda's ear) Linda listens thoughtfully, then clicks into her "sex expert" mode. LINDA Okay, are you over sixteen? The Girl nods. LINDA (CONT'D) All right, what you want to do is go to the Free Clinic and tell the doctor that you have sex regularly - several times a week -- and that you need Nornel One Plus Fifty's. GIRL And they don't call my parents? LINDA Not if you're over sixteen. GIRL Okay. Thanks a lot, Linda. LINDA And don't let them talk you into a diaphragm either. The Girl thanks Linda again. Linda and Stacy get to the back exit of the mall and Linda uses a key to open the door. STACY I can't believe I start high school tomorrow. LINDA Believe it. They exit the mall, into the night. EXT. RIDGEMONT SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY We see all the elements of the first day of school. The students carry new books, explore new lockers, begin to stake out their ground. Someone has taken the steel letters from the green vanguard out front. It reads: "IDG MON SENOR HI HO." The rest of Ridgemont High is covered with toilet paper. And a black spray paint message along the side of the front office building reads, "LINCOLN SURF NAZIS." EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT - DAY Brad pulls into the Ridgemont High parking lot. He drives a beat-up, four-door model LTD sedan. Three friends wait for him near his parking space. They are dressed in the same golf caps with brand logos on the front like CAT, NATIONAL and CHAINSAW. BUDDY #1 Hamilton! BUDDY #2 The cruising vessel! Hey -- Yooooo! Brad climbs out of his car and pats it admiringly. BRAD Six more payments, gentlemen. Brad joins his friends, and they walk towards the gymnasium. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT We see a shiny, new, blue Mustang whip into the parking lot. Students scatter from the parking space. Behind the wheel is football star Charles Jefferson. A huge, black kid. The halls at Ridgemont part for Charles Jefferson. Rat and Damone are in the parking lot. Damone surrounded by underclassmen (customers) selling tickets. DAMONE See that Mustang? U.C.L.A. gave Charles Jefferson that car when he was a sophomore. The underclassmen are impressed. They watch as Jefferson opens his car door and stands to his full height, over six-foot tall. He opens his trunk and pulls out no books, just a football duffel bag. He slowly walks by Damone, Rat and the underclassmen. DAMONE (CONT'D) How ya doing! That car looks great, Charles! Jefferson gives Damone a death glare. JEFFERSON Don't... fuck... with... it. He moves on. Damone resumes selling tickets. DAMONE Shit, that's my man. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT We see a clutching, smooching couple walk by. Cheerleader Cindy Carr and her boyfriend, Gregg Adams. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT - DAY The Four Stoners (from Carl's Jr.) tumble out of a van in the parking lot. They head towards the gymnasium. INT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM - DAY Standing by the A-B-C-D-E registration counter in the gymnasium, Brad waits to pick up his red ad card. He stands surrounded by his buddies. They nod vigorously at everything Brad says. As he talks, fellow students all say hello or pat him as they pass. One troubled-looking boy, Arnold, walks up to Brad. ARNOLD Brad, can I talk to you a minute? BRAD Arnold. What's happening? Arnold speaks confidentially to Brad. ARNOLD Brad, I really fuckin' hate McDonald's, man. Ever since they started in with the chicken, everything went downhill. BRAD You want to work at Carl's? ARNOLD Oh, man, if you could swing something there, I'd do anything for you. I want to work with you guys. BRAD I can probably get you in there. Just let me talk to Dennis Taylor. ARNOLD All right!! Brad notices Stacy and nods with complete inner cool. STACY Hi, Brad. BRAD Sis. BRAD'S BUDDIES Hey, Stacy. STACY Hi... Where's Lisa? BRAD Everyone wants to know where Lisa is. How should I know where Lisa is? (to buddies) What am I gonna do? Now my little sister goes to the same high school. The party's over. (to Stacy) So who do you have first period? STACY U.S. History. Mr. Hand. BRAD Hey-yo. DAVID Hey-yoooooooooo. STACY (concerned) What's wrong with Mr. Hand? BRAD Nothing... if you like 'Hawaii Five O.' You better get in class, Stacy. That's not the one to be late to. Stacy hurries off. RICH (as soon as she is gone) Your sister is really turning into a fox. BRAD You should see her in the morning. BRAD'S BUDDIES Hey-yooooooooooo. INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - DAY Stacy barely slips in the door before the final attendance bell sounds. She finds a seat just as the teacher's cubicle door opens at the back of the classroom. A tall figure comes barreling down the aisle. He is Mr. Hand. The man makes a double-speed step to the door at the front of the class, kicks the door shut and locks it. The windows rattle in their frames. Stacy watches, wide-eyed, at her first high school class. MR. HAND Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand. Mr. Hand writes his name on the green chalkboard before his class. Every letter is a small explosion of chalk. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (almost sweetly) I have but one question for you on our first morning 'together.' (pause) Can you attend my class? Pakalo?... Understand?... History has proven us one basic fact. Man does not do anything that is not for his own good. It is for your own good that you attend my class. And if you can't make it... I can make you. An impatient knock begins at the front door of the classroom. MR. HAND (CONT'D) We have a twenty-question quiz every Friday. It will cover all the material we've dealt with during the week. There will be no make-up exams. It's important that you all have your Land of Truth and Liberty textbooks by Wednesday. At the latest. The knock continues. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Your grade is the average of all your quizzes, plus the midterm and final, which counts for one-third. Got it? The mystery knocker tries a lazy calypso beat on the front door. No one in Mr. Hand's U.S. History class dares mention it, much less answer it. Stacy grips her desk with the tension of her first day. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Also. There will be no eating in this class. You get used to doing your own business on your own time. That's one demand I make. I don't like staying after class with you on detention. That's my time. I don't like wasting it. Just like you wouldn't want me to come to your house some evening and discuss U.S. History on your time. Pakalo? Hand finally turns, as if he has just noticed the sound at the door and opens the door an inch. Jeffrey Spicoli stands in the doorway, red eyes glistening. His long, blond hair is still wet and streaming down the back of his white peasant shirt. He grins, oblivious to such trivial matters as attendance bells. A Student sitting near Stacy turns to his friends. STUDENT That guy has been stoned since the third grade. MR. HAND Yes? SPICOLI Yeah. I'm registered for this class. MR. HAND What class? SPICOLI This is U.S. History, right? I saw the globe in the window. MR. HAND (appears enthralled) Really? Spicoli holds his red ad card up to the crack in the door. SPICOLI Can I come in? MR. HAND (swinging door open) Oh, please. I get so lonely when that third attendance bell rings and I don't see all my kids here. Spicoli laughs. He is the only one. SPICOLI Sorry I'm late. This new schedule is totally confusing. Mr. Hand takes the red ad card and reads from it with utter fascination. MR. HAND Mr. Spicoli? SPICOLI That's the name they gave me. Mr. Hand slowly tears the card into little pieces and sprinkles the pieces over his wastebasket. Spicoli watches in disbelief. His hands are frozen in the process of removing his backpack. SPICOLI (CONT'D) You just ripped my card in two! MR. HAND Yes. SPICOLI Hey, bud. What's your problem? Mr. Hand moves to within inches of Spicoli's face. MR. HAND No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is. It takes a moment for the words to work their way out of Jeff Spicoli's mouth. SPICOLI You... dick. In the tense moment that follows, no one in the class is sure what might happen. Mr. Hand simply turns away from Jeff Spicoli as if he ceased to exist and coolly continues his lecture. MR. HAND I've taken the time to print up a complete schedule of class quizzes, and the chapters they cover. Please pass them back to the desks behind you... Hand begins passing out stacks of purple mimeographed sheets. ANGLE ON STUDENTS all smelling the purple mimeographed sheets. Still standing in the doorway, hyperventilating with fifteen-year-old adrenalin, is Jeff Spicoli. After a time, he fishes a few bits of his ad card out of the wastebasket and huffs out of the room. EXT. RIDGEMONT LUNCH COURT - AFTERNOON It's packed. The school's outdoor dining area is actually just a small courtyard lined with fast food machines and dominated by a large oak tree in the center. Standing at the center of lunch court, under the large oak tree, is Brad Hamilton and his golf-cap Buddies. BRAD You hear about the surfer in Mr. Hand's class? His Buddies shake their heads. BRAD (CONT'D) Told Hand to fuck off. BRAD'S BUDDIES Whoa!_ Brad sees another friend pass through lunch court. BRAD Thompson! Brad waits for him to pass. BRAD (CONT'D) I hear Thompson got canned at Bob's this summer. BUDDY #1 Yeah. They hacked his hours, so he quit. BRAD Where is he now? BUDDY #1 Making two eighty at Seven-Eleven. BRAD Man. (pause) They make you wear a fuckin' candy stripe suit over there. BUDDY #2 Poor guy. BRAD Poor guy. EXT. LUNCH COURT - ANGLE ON THE 200 BUILDING BATHROOM near the outer rim of lunch court. Jeff Spicoli comes stumbling out into the daylight, surrounded by a small group of Ridgemont Stoners. Marijuana smoke billows out behind them. STONER BUDDY #1 It was so bitchin', mon. Everybody is talking about it. STONER BUDDY #2 Totally. SPICOLI The motherfucker pissed me off. STONER BUDDY #2 Totally. You don't have to take that shit. SPICOLI I didn't take that shit. They all laugh, flip hair out of their eyes. STONER BUDDY #1 Tell us again. What happened after he ripped up your ad card? SPICOLI I called him a dick. And then I reached for his class notes, and I ripped 'em up. I said, 'Hey bud. Two can play this game.' The Stoners go wild. SPICOLI (CONT'D) I'll tell you this. If he hassles me again, I can't be responsible for what happens... you know why? STONER BUDDY #1 Because he's a fuckin' dick! SPICOLI You got it. (pause) Gimme a dollar. One surfer digs out a dollar for Spicoli. They look out at lunch court, see it teeming with straight kids. They turn and walk towards the parking lot. EXT. LUNCH COURT - ANGLE ON STACY AND LINDA as they walk onto lunch court. They take a seat on the outskirts of the area and watch all the students crowding onto the eating area. LINDA I hear some surfer pulled a knife on Mr. Hand this morning. STACY No way! He just called him a dick. LINDA God. People exaggerate so much at this school. The school couple, Cindy and Gregg walk by. CINDY Hi, Linda. God, you look so great. LINDA Hi, you guys. This is Stacy. Stacy, this is Gregg Adams and Cindy Carr. GREGG AND CINDY Hi, Stacy. Stacy smiles. Gregg and Cindy move on, repeating the same scene a few feet away. LINDA If there's one thing that never changes... it's a cheerleader. Stacy turns to see a girl with short, black hair passing by, wearing tight black spandex pants, and dark lipstick. STACY Linda. That girl looks just like Pat Benatar. LINDA I know. They watch her pass. LINDA (CONT'D) Actually, there are three girls at Ridgemont who have cultivated the Pat Benatar look. Linda gestures out on lunch court. ANGLE ON ANOTHER PAT BENATAR LOOK-ALIKE wearing pink spandex pants and short-cropped black hair with dark lipstick. ANGLE ON STILL ANOTHER PAT BENATAR LOOK-ALIKE wearing blue spandex pants and short black hair. She stands a good distance away from the other two. LINDA (CONT'D) None of them talk to each other. Linda looks at them with bemusement but Stacy is wondering. STACY Do you think guys find that attractive? LINDA Oh, give me a break, Stacy. You're much prettier than them. They sit and eat their lunches. Linda has her perennial diet lunch of yogurt and raw vegetables. STACY Yeah but they look more sophisticated. You'd probably think they'd be better in bed. LINDA What do you mean 'better in bed.' You either do it or you don't. STACY No there are variables that, like, I might not be good at. LINDA What variables? STACY (shyly) Like, you know, giving blow jobs. LINDA What's the big deal? STACY Well I never did it. LINDA There's nothing to it. She takes out a carrot stick and eases it down her throat. Stacv tries one but chokes. LINDA (CONT'D) You just have to practice a little first. (feels her throat) Relax these muscles. Think of your throat as an open tunnel. The girls try sliding the carrot sticks down their throats without gagging. ANGLE ON A BOY at the next table; sees them and points them out to his companions. STACY What happens... don't laugh at me, but when a guy has an orgasm... you know, like, how much comes out. Stacy stops practicing and looks horrified. Linda laughs. LINDA Just kidding. About 10cc. STACY (enlightened) Oh! That's where that group got its name from. They continue practicing as the boys look on. Stacy manages to get almost a whole carrot down her throat to Linda's amazement. The group of boys break out in applause. Stacy looks very embarrassed. INT. BIOLOGY LAB - DAY The class is situated so that all students sit at Bunson burner tables lining the room. Pat is seated at one of the tables and Stacy takes a seat nearby; she looks at the ledge in front of her. It contains a pig embryo. She listens to the conversation next to her. GIRL STUDENT I'll tell you right now. I'm not going. I'll get sick or something. I'm not going into a room with a bunch of dead guys. ARNOLD You'll go. It's part of the final. GIRL STUDENT (a Pat Benatar) Have you heard what they do? I'm serious. Have you heard? BOY STUDENT What? ARNOLD The bodies are dissected, Mike, and Mr. Vargas pulls out parts of the dead body and holds them up. Okay? BOY STUDENT You mean he reaches in and pulls this stuff out? GIRL STUDENT Yes. BOY STUDENT Like a heart? GIRL STUDENT Hearts, lungs, guts... Stacy strains to hear more, just as Mr. Vargas -- a diminutive man holding a coffee mug -- enters the class. MR. VARGAS Good day, everyone! I just switched to Sanka. I'm running a little slow today, so have a heart. ANGLE ON THE RAT He is riveted on Stacy Hamilton, swooning. DISSOLVE TO: INT. STACY'S ROOM - NIGHT We see Stacy's room, a young girl's room with posters and frilly pillows. Stacy is in bed, and her Mother is just leaving the room. MOTHER Sleep tight, Stacy. STACY Good night, Mom. Her Mother shuts off the light, exits. Stacy pulls back the covers. She is fully dressed. EXT. STACY'S WINDOW - NIGHT We see the window to Stacy's room slide slowly open, and watch her slip outside. She hikes down a drainage pipe to the street. EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT A brown MG pulls up. Stacy jumps from the shadows and hops in. The car drives away. INT. RON'S CAR - NIGHT Ron sits behind the wheel, humming casually along to the music on his car stereo. Ron has on a light-brown leather jacket. He looks like a contestant for "The Dating Game." STACY (a little nervous) Thanks for picking me up. RON No problem. He speeds off, turning up the radio to sing along. RON (CONT'D) 'The Cuer-vo Gold, the fi-ine Columbian.' (eyes Stacy) You look nice tonight. STACY Thanks. So do you. RON Where do you feel like going? STACY I don't know. Wherever you want. RON How about the point? STACY (nervously) The point sounds fine. RON (looks at her knowingly) All right, the point it is. We see Stacy's anxious face, as the car speeds up Ridgemont Drive, with music. EXT. THE POINT - NIGHT Stacy and Ron sit in the car, listening to music. The "point" is a natural lookout spot that lovers can "discover." It is behind the baseball field and dugout of Ridgemont High School. Stacy and Ron get out of the car and walk to the baseball dugout. INT. DUGOUT - NIGHT They sit side-by-side. Above them, a single light bulb shines a very private fifty watts on things. STACY That's a nice shirt. RON Thanks. Thanks a lot. Silence. They look at each other, look away. RON (CONT'D) It's very warm out tonight. STACY It is. It's very warm. I wonder how long it will last? Ron leans over and kisses Stacy lightly on the cheek. Stacy sits quietly for a moment, thinking, was that the first move? Then she lunges at Ron and kisses him square on the mouth. At first surprised, Ron then holds her there and kisses her in return. After a time, he breaks away. RON Are you really nineteen? STACY Yes... I am really nineteen. They continue making out. RON I think I better take you home. STACY What about those other guys you live with? RON No. I mean back to your home. But they make no moves in any direction. They continue making out. Ron begins unbuttoning her blouse and massaging Stacy's breasts. A moment later, he tugs at her pants. Awkwardly, she starts to help him. He tilts her backward onto the concrete dugout bench. They kiss feverishly, her hand pulling off her shoes, then her pants. Ron goes to work. RON (CONT'D) (whispers) Is this your first time? STACY Yes. STACY'S POINT OF VIEW as she feels a man enter her for the first time, we see the graffiti above her: Surf Nazis Lincoln was here -- Sieg Heil Led Zeppelin Dan y Roberto (Disco Fags) DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SCHOOL LOCKERS - DAY Stacy is standing by her locker, twirling the combination. She is joined by Linda Barrett. LINDA Was it great? STACY It was okay. I LINDA You'll always remember your first time. STACY It was nice. LINDA So tell me, do you like Ron? Is it serious? STACY Come on, Linda. It's just sex. LINDA Hey! That's my line! They both laugh and walk down the hall. EXT. HAMILTON HOME - LATE AFTERNOON Stacy arrives home. The Hamilton home has that anonymous prepackaged tract look, like many others in this lower-middle class neighborhood. Brad washes his car in the driveway and listens to the car radio. BRAD Mom says to clean up the pool. STACY Why can't you do it? BRAD Your friends use the pool. Your friends messed it up. STACY Your friends use the pool too. BRAD I take out the garbage. STACY Don't strain yourself. Stacy bristles, and heads inside the front door. INT. HAMILTON LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON The furniture in the Hamilton living room looks like it was gleaned for a sale at Pic 'N Save. Through the living room, one can see a very small, kidney-shaped pool. Stacy checks an erasable telephone message sheet near the refrigerator. There are two names on it: BRAD/STACY. Brad's side is filled with messages. Stacy's is empty. She notices a summer bouquet floral arrangement. Stacy reads the attached note. It reads: "Memories of You, Ron Johnson." She quickly gathers it up and carries it back outside. She fans the door several times to dispel the odor. EXT. HAMILTON DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON STACY Brad! Have Mom or Dad seen this? BRAD They're not home yet. STACY Brad, what would you say if I asked you to just put these flowers in the trunk of the Cruising Vessel and get rid of them at work? BRAD I'd say... who the hell is Ron Johnson? STACY I'll explain everything later. Brad nods, as Stacy pushes the flowers into his arms. INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - AFTERNOON Damone expertly fills two glasses three-quarters full of Kahlua, then adds a few drops of milk. Music is playing on a nearby speaker. Damone hands The Rat a drink and checks himself out in his mirror. DAMONE See that moustache coming in, Rat? There is only a hint of peach fuzz, but he grooms it anyway. DAMONE (CONT'D) See? You can almost press it out. Damone turns around. His friend is preoccupied. THE RAT I am in love. Damone takes a sip of his drink, looks at The Rat. DAMONE You... are a wuss. Part wimp. Part pussy. THE RAT What do you mean -- wuss? This girl is my exact type. It's her. Definitely her. DAMONE (distracted) It's definitely your mama. THE RAT Damone, you gotta listen to me. Damone quits puttering around his room with the Kahlua and milk. He grabs a chair and straddles it. DAMONE All right... where did you see her? THE RAT She's in my biology class. DAMONE Did you get her number? THE RAT No. DAMONE Did you get her name? THE RAT No. It's too soon. DAMONE It's never too soon! Girls decide how far to let you go in the first five minutes. THE RAT Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to this strange girl in my biology class and say, 'Hello! I'd like you to take your clothes off and jump on me?' DAMONE (thoughtfully) I would. Yeah. THE RAT Really? DAMONE I can see it all now. This is going to be just like the girl you fell in love with at Fotomat this summer. You bought forty bucks of fuckin' film and you never even talked to her. THE RAT (woeful) You tell me, Mike. What do I do? DAMONE Okay. Okay. (sighs, but loves it) Here's what you do. Damone gets up, moves to the door. DAMONE (CONT'D) You start from the second you walk into biology. Don't just walk... move across the room. He saunters over to the chair. DAMONE (CONT'D) Don't talk to her. Let her know. Use your face. Use your body. Use everything. This is what I do. I just sent out the vibe and I have personally found that... girls do respond. Something happens. THE RAT Of course something happens. You put the vibe out to thirty million chicks, you know something's gonna happen. DAMONE That's the idea, Rat. That's The Attitude. THE RAT The Attitude? The Attitude dictates that you don't care if she comes, stays, lays or prays. Whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. When you are the cruelest and the coolest... then you have The Attitude. Damone knocks down the rest of his drink, and we... DISSOLVE TO: INT. CARL'S JR. KITCHEN - NIGHT We see Brad operating at full throttle in the kitchen, and taking a moment to sneak a kiss with his girlfriend Lisa as she goes to the front counter to open up a cash register. She allows him only one kiss. LISA Were those flowers really for me, Brad? BRAD Of course. LISA How much did they cost? BRAD Don't worry about it. She gives him a kiss... on the cheek. BRAD (CONT'D) Let's go to the Point tonight. She pulls away. LISA What's there to do at the Point? Brad shifts his weight, tries to find the right words. BRAD What's there to do at the Point? God, Lisa, we've been going together almost two years, and... LISA Brad. I don't want to have to use sex as a tool. BRAD Tool? Tool for what? We've been going together almost two years! LISA I don't want to talk about it here, Brad. Brad prepares to respond. He squints his eyes, prepares for a truly sizzling comeback, when Dennis Taylor, short and prematurely balding assistant manager of Carl's Jr., comes bustling out of his back office. He quickly surveys the situation in the kitchen. TAYLOR Hamilton! You have fifteen double cheese to box! Lisa returns to her cashier post, leaving Brad's last words stalled in his mouth. EXT. HAMILTON HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT We see the Hamilton's cul-de-sac home. All the lights are off in the house at this hour. Except for Brad's room. INT. BRAD'S ROOM Brad is alone in his room. He's prone on his neatly made bed, reading a paperback book entitled Power With Class. On the wall of Brad's room is a large framed photo of a Carl's Jr. hamburger. Brad hears a muffled knock at his door. BRAD Come on in. Stacy walks into Brad's room. STACY Thanks for getting rid of those flowers. BRAD Don't worry about it. Who sent the flowers? STACY It's just some guy I met at Swenson's. You don't know him. BRAD I don't care it you tell me or not. I got problems of my own. He begins pacing. STACY Is everything okay at work? BRAD Are you kidding? Work is great. I kill at work. I don't even mind Mom and Dad making me pay rent. STACY You're going to break up with Lisa, aren't you? BRAD I've been doing some thinking. It's my last school year. I'm a single, successful guy. I think I want my freedom. STACY Why? Because she won't sleep with you? BRAD Where did you hear that? STACY I'm just guessing. BRAD Well... it's true. STACY Maybe you just need to give her some time. She's so nice, Brad. Everybody loves Lisa. BRAD Everybody loves Lisa. Everybody loves Lisa. But everybody doesn't have to be her boyfriend. Suddenly, Stacy pops the question. STACY Hey, Brad. Are you still a virgin? BRAD Why? STACY I don't know. I was just curious. BRAD Maybe yes. Maybe no. STACY You are a virgin! BRAD I didn't say that. STACY But your face did! They laugh. Then Brad turns serious. BRAD Are you still a virgin? STACY Maybe yes. Maybe no. BRAD Don't give me that shit! I know you're still a virgin! Stacy smiles and stands up. She playfully slaps her brother on the arm and walks down the hallway to her room. We can see there is less frill and lace in Stacy's room. The junior high paperbacks are gone. There are no dolls in sight. EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - NIGHT Linda and Stacy walk past rows of cars. Stacy stops at a brown MG. STACY There... There's his car. I know he's at work tonight. He hasn't come into Swenson's since he called my house. My mother told him I was still at high school, after I told him I was nineteen. I guess I should tell him I'm fifteen. LINDA Don't you dare, you'll never hear from him again. STACY Does Doug care that you're seventeen? LINDA Doug sees beyond that stuff to what the person inside is like. That's why I'm marrying him. STACY If he ever calls again I'll say I'm eighteen. LINDA Boy I am so glad to be through with all these games. They enter the mall. INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - MORNING We are now several weeks into the school year. Mr. Hand is dropping test papers on desks like they are pieces of manure. MR. HAND C... D... F... F... F... three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people? On dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our daily liv.... Mr. Hand stops on a dime. He is like a champion hunting dog that has just picked up the scent. He scans the room. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Where is Jeff Spicoli? There is silence in the U.S. history classroom. MR. HAND (CONT'D) I saw him earlier today near the 200 Building bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Silence. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Anyone? One student sitting next to Stacy raises his hand. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Yes, Desmond? DESMOND I saw him by the food machines. MR. HAND How long ago? DESMOND Just before class, sir... Mr. Hand snaps his fingers, Hawaii Five-O style. MR. HAND Okay. Bring him in. Desmond hustles out the door. MR. HAND (CONT'D) What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? Mr. Hand begins to pace the aisles as he speaks. Occasionally, for emphasis, he bends down to lecture directly into the students' faces. MR. HAND (CONT'D) There are other teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. (points to attendance clip on the doorway) It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you, you pretend you don't ditch. Who pays the price later? You. Desmond returns to the room with a red-eyed Jeff Spicoli. SPICOLI Hey! Wait a minute! There's no birthday party for me here! MR. HAND Thank you, Desmond. (to Spicoli) What's the reason for your truancy? SPICOLI I couldn't make it in time. MR. HAND (in top form) You mean, you couldn't? Or you wouldn't? SPICOLI I don't know, mon. The food lines took forever. MR. HAND Food will be eaten on your time! (pause) Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this? SPICOLI I don't know. Mr. Hand appears mesmerized. He then turns and heads for the board. He writes in long, large letters as he slams the chalk into the green board. He writes: "I DON'T KNOW". MR. HAND I like that. He stands back and admires it. He turns randomly to Stacy. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Don't you like that, Miss Hamilton? STACY Yes, sir. MR. HAND I really like that too. 'I don't know'... that's nice. 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' 'Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know'. I like that. I think I'm going to leave your words on this board for all my classes to enjoy. Giving you full credit, of course, Mr. Spicoli. We hear the blare of the dismissal bell. Stacy and the other students get up to leave. Spicoli stays in place. He has just figured out a truly bitchin' comeback... and his mouth is forming the first word, when Mr. Hand cuts him off. MR. HAND (CONT'D) You can go now. Hand turns back to his desk. The rest of the students have already left. Spicoli's audience is gone. He shrugs and lopes out the door. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL - AFTERNOON It's Christmas time at the Ridgemont Mall. All three tiers are strung with neon lights, and we hear the sound of the bell-ringing Santas. INT. SWENSON'S - AFTERNOON Stacy and Linda are enjoying a brief lull in the Christmas season madness. They sit at the sundae bar. Stacy looks forlorn, almost red-eyed, as she makes a sundae. LINDA You've got to get used to working Christmas. People are always screaming and yelling... then they get home and they're all Christmasy. STACY I think Christmas brings out the worst in people. LINDA I guess Ron hasn't called yet. STACY Not since November. Linda nods her head, always the coach. LINDA Stacy, it doesn't look good for the relationship. Stacy continues making her ice cream, slapping the scoops onto the stainless steel dish. STACY (sighs) Don't you think it meant anything to him. Even if I am fifteen? LINDA Stacy. What does it matter? He's a stereo salesman. You want to marry him? You want to have kids with him? You want this guy to come home, fifty years old, and he's still got that little Pacific Stereo badge on? Come on. ANGLE ON GREGG AND CINDY who are seated at a back table, feeding each other. Stacy looks at her finished sundae. STACY I should quit this job. I'm going to get so fat working here... nobody will ever take me out. LINDA Stacy. How many times do I have to tell you? You are really going to be beautiful... someday. STACY Thanks a lot. Linda punches Stacy lightly on the shoulder. LINDA Hey -- Ron Johnson? It's his loss. We follow Stacy, as she walks into the dining room to serve the sundae. INT. WHEREHOUSE RECORDS - MALL - DAY We see a group of buzz-cut young toughs, walking in formation, hunched over, sneering and wearing sleeveless U.S. Army fatigue jackets. None of these damaged-looking kids is over the age of fourteen. They pass to reveal this legend on their backs: LINCOLN SURF NAZIS. Angle on Mike Damone and Mark Ratner, who are standing by the upcoming concert list posted on the door to Wherehouse Records. Damone sees the Surf Nazis pass, turns to Mark Ratner, who is still wearing his Cinema Four jacket. DAMONE The business is changing, Rat. I'll tell you, these kids today... they don't even listen to Aerosmith. THE RAT I hear they all dress like that at Lincoln now. DAMONE There used to be three or four of those guys. Now we see 'em every time we come to the mall. Damone is approached by a couple of young ticket Customers. CUSTOMER #1 Got any Blue Oyster Cult tickets? DAMONE No Cult. I ate twenty-four pairs of Blue Oyster Cult tickets last time around. I was this close to working at 7-11. No Cult. Suddenly we see all ticket business stop. Damone and his customers see someone menacingly coming directly for them. The small crowd parts as Charles Jefferson, football duffel bag in hand, walks up. With him is a thick, tough, miniature version of himself. This is Little Charles. They both stop in front of Damone. JEFFERSON (after long look) When is Earth, Wind and Fire coming? DAMONE (respectfully) I'm really not sure. I haven't heard anything yet, but I'll let you know the second there is the slightest news, sir. JEFFERSON I'm taking my little brother. DAMONE Excellent. So that will be two tickets... All right. Fine, sir. Jefferson and L.C. push past the customers. CUSTOMER #2 Wow. He really lives here. I thought he just flew in for the football games. DAMONE (gaining composure) Shit, he's my man. He knows where to come for tickets. Damone turns to The Rat. DAMONE (CONT'D) Well, Rat. Are you ready for the moment of truth? The Rat adjusts his jacket, and nods. THE RAT She is immune to my charms. They walk together towards Swenson's, as The Rat drapes his aqua-blue Cinema Four jacket around his shoulders, like a French film director. Damone walks a few steps, then stops Rat. DAMONE Hey, Rat. THE RAT Yeah? DAMONE Ace the jacket. The Rat considers the suggestion, gets rid of the jacket. They continue towards Swenson's. EXT. SWENSON'S - DAY The Rat pulls open the door to Swenson's. He walks toward the counter to Stacy Hamilton. STACY Hi. May I help you? The Rat feels the beginnings of cold panic, but barges through nonetheless. THE RAT Yes. I have two questions. I was curious... His voice becomes a shade deeper. He begins to pull The Attitude together. THE RAT (CONT'D) What do you do with the jackets people leave here? STACY (smiling) We keep them. THE RAT You keep them. STACY We keep them, in case the people come back. She reaches under the counter and pulls out a cardboard box with some rumbled jackets and other items. STACY (CONT'D) Here they are. You can look through it, if you want. The Rat chuckles to himself, struggling with The Attitude. THE RAT It's cool. It would take too much time to go through all that stuff. I'll just pick up a new one. Stacy smiles. He's obviously awkward, and she likes it. STACY What's your other question? THE RAT My other question is... can-I-have your-phone-number-so-I-can-ask-you out-sometime? To The Rat's surprise, Stacy continues smiling. STACY Do you have a pen? This one's out of ink. THE RAT Oh... yes. He pulls one out of his jacket pocket, gives it to her. Stacy writes her name and phone number on a scrap of paper and gives it to him. The Rat looks at the paper. THE RAT (CONT'D) Stacy. Nice to meet you, Stacy. My name is Mark Ratner. He sticks out his hand, and they shake. We see The Rat turn around and walk out of Swenson's. EXT. SWENSON'S - AFTERNOON The Rat exits with ultimate cool. He sees Damone waiting just off to the side, talking to some girls. The Rat nods, gives him the thumbs-up. Damone returns the gesture. All-Attitude. EXT. CARL'S JR. - MORNING Carl's is happening tonight. There are lots of kids inside. We hear charging rock music -- "Girls Got Rhythm" by AC/DC -- coming from a radio in the back kitchen. INT. CARL'S JR. BATHROOM - MORNING Inside the bathroom, Brad Hamilton applies the Carl's scrub brush to a felt tip graffiti message near the mirror: I EAT BIG HAIRY PUSSY. He pauses and catches himself in the mirror. He adjusts his hair. BRAD (talking to mirror) Lisa? I have something to tell you. Look, I'm a senior now. I'm a single, successful guy and I've got to be fair to myself. Lisa... I think I need my freedom. Brad pauses, looks at the mirror soulfully. BRAD (CONT'D) Aw, don't do that... don't take it personally, okay? Please? I knew you'd understand, because... The bathroom door opens -- it's Arnold, the boy who Brad got a job. ARNOLD Brad! I know you're on your break, but would you cover me on register three? Brad nods, exits: INT. CARL'S JR. COUNTER Brad stands at the register. We see a prominent display over Brad's head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST. The last of many harried businessmen customers gets his breakfast order and takes his seat. Brad is joined by Dennis Taylor, the Assistant Manager. DENNIS Come on. Clean that counter off Brad. Let's go. Play ball. BRAD Okay, Dennis. Brad begins polishing the counter and Dennis Taylor returns to his office at the back of the kitchen. Brad watches him disappear behind the door that says: ASSISTANT MANAGER. As soon as Dennis disappears behind the door, the one Businessman in the place rises and returns to the counter. BRAD (CONT'D) (nervously) May I help you? The Businessman has short, curly brown hair. He speaks in a whine. BUSINESSMAN Yes. This is not the best breakfast I ever ate. The Businessman points to the huge display over Brad's head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST. BUSINESSMAN (CONT'D) And I want my money back. Brad begins searching under the counter. BRAD Well, I believe you have to fill out a form. There's a pad right around here. BUSINESSMAN No. I want my money back right now. BRAD Well, that's not the way it works, really. And you ate most of your food already, too... BUSINESSMAN See that sign? It says 100% Money Back Guarantee. Do you know the meaning of the word 'guarantee'? Do they teach you that here? Give me my money back. Brad begins looking to the restroom. "Where's Arnold?" BRAD I can't do that. But if you wait a minute... BUSINESSMAN (as if talking to a kindergartner) Look. Just put your little hand back in the cash register and give me my $2.75 back. Okay? (looks at name tag) Please, Brad? BRAD I'm sorry, sir. Just let me find the forms here. BUSINESSMAN I am so tired. I am so tired of dealing with morons. How hard is it to... Brad looks up from under the counter. No amount of pay will make him take that kind of insult. BRAD Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass. BUSINESSMAN Manager!! "Bam!" The door to the Assistant Manager's office swings open, and Dennis comes hurtling out of the back. DENNIS Can I help you, sir? Is there a problem? BUSINESSMAN You bet there's a problem! Your employee used profanity and threatened me with violence! I'm shocked, frankly. I've eaten here many times and I've always enjoyed the service -- until today! Angle on bathroom door as it opens and Arnold starts towards the register. He quickly sees the incident with the irate Businessman and ducks back inside the bathroom. BUSINESSMAN (CONT'D) All I wanted was my money back for this breakfast. It was a little undercooked. And this young man threatened me. Now I plan to write a letter! I plan to... Dennis wheels around to Brad. DENNIS Did you threaten this man or use profanity in any way? BRAD He insulted me first. He called me a moron. DENNIS Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way? BRAD Yes, sir. DENNIS You're fired. Brad looks around, expecting his friends to defend him. Dave and Rich seem very occupied with their work. Brad is stunned. DENNIS (CONT'D) (to Businessman) I'm very sorry this happened to you, sir. BUSINESSMAN Thank you very much. Then Brad unhooks his fryer's apron and throws it on the counter. He grabs a backpack and walks out of the place. On the way, he bangs the bathroom door with his fist. BRAD I hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BRAD'S ROOM - DAY He arrives back in his room and locks the door. He yanks the burger picture off his wall, dumps it into the trash. Then he takes it back out of the trash and cracks the cardboard picture and plastic frame in half. DARKNESS We are in the middle of a deep, dark void. After a moment, a pinprick of light appears in the distance. We head towards the light. We are being led somewhere important. As we draw still closer, curtains suddenly part to reveal a wildly cheering studio audience. We hear the voice of Merv Griffin. MERV GRIFFIN (O.S.) Will you please give a warm welcome to... Jeff Spicoli! The Merv Griffin Show band begins playing a Merv Griffin Show version of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell". Someone hands Jeff Spicoli a microphone. He works the studio audience into a frenzy as he sings the words to "Highway to Hell": Merv Griffin show style. SPICOLI (singing) 'Layin' ladies! Drinkin' wine! You gotta dollar -- You're a friend of mine! Gettin' loose! Feelin' fine! You and me -- It's get down time! We're on the Highway to Hell! The Highway to Hell!' Spicoli finishes up with a spectular pump. The audience goes wild as Merv Griffin greets him warmly, and guides Spicoli to his seat. Spicoli motions for the cheers to die down. Griffin is obviously happy to see him. He touches Spicoli's arm lightly. GRIFFIN How've you been? SPICOLI Outrageous, Merv. Nice to be here. I feel great. GRIFFIN I was going to say... your eyes look a little red. SPICOLI I've been swimming, Merv. The audience howls. It's a famous Spicoli line. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Seriously, Merv, everything is great. I was thinking about picking up some hash this weekend, maybe going up to the mountains. GRIFFIN (concerned) I wanted to talk a little bit about school, if I could... SPICOLI School. (sighs) School is no problem. All you have to do is go to get the grades. And if you know something, all you have to do is go about half the time. GRIFFIN How often do you go? SPICOLI I don't go at all. The audience is howling again. He is Merv's favorite guest. GRIFFIN I hear you brought a film clip with you. Do you want to set it up for us? SPICOLI Well, it pretty much speaks for itself. Peter, you want to run with it? EXT. A MASSIVE WAVE - DAY The film clip begins. It is a mammoth wave cresting against the blue sky. SPICOLI (V.O.) Merv, this is the action down at Sunset Cliffs at about six in the morning. GRIFFIN (V.O.) Fascinating. A tiny figure appears at the foot of the wave. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) Who's that? SPICOLI That's me, Merv. The audience gasps. GRIFFIN (V.O.) Are you going to ride that wave? SPICOLI Totally. We watch as Spicoli catches the perfect wave, and it hurtles him through a turquoise tube of water. GRIFFIN What's going through your mind right here, Jeff? The danger of it all? SPICOLI Merv, I'm thinking... I've only got about four good hours of surfing left before these little clowns from junior high start showing up with their boogie boards. The audience is howling once again... when suddenly we hear the loud noise of a door opening, followed by a shrill voice. It is Spicoli's eight-year-old brother, Curtis. Jeff Spicoli's dream of glory evaporates. INT. SPICOLI'S TRAILER HOME - MORNING It is a messy trailer, part of a trailer park by the sea. Spicoli's area is small, but he has made it his own. The walls are covered with posters, almost all of them naked centerfolds. It is obvious Spicoli's parents are not welcome in his room. CURTIS Dad says you have to get up! SPICOLI Ugh. He groans, starts to struggle out of bed. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Leave me alone! CURTIS Dad says you're late again, you butthole! SPICOLI Leave me alone. CURTIS Dad says! Spicoli reaches over to the floor next to his bed. He pulls a snorkel from the mess, heaves it at the door and his little brother. It bounces off the wall and doesn't even hit Curtis, but the kid starts crying anyway. CURTIS (CONT'D) Daaaaaaaad! Jeff threw a snorkel at me!!!!!! Spicoli gets out of bed, groans again, and kicks the door shut. EXT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM celebrating the big game with rival Lincoln High School. We see Jeff Spicoli stumble from the direction of the parking lot. He heads into the gym, which is already full for a mandatory assembly. INT. GYMNASIUM - DOORWAY - DAY Spicoli wanders into the assembly, takes a seat on a corner bleacher. He sits just below Brad Hamilton and Lisa. On podium in front of assembly, Cindy Carr and another cheerleader, Dina Phillips, are making a presentation before the school. CINDY I just want to say that we are not 'Spirit Bunnies' anymore. We always hated that name. It bugged the heck out of Dina and me... DINA It's just such a put down. CINDY They don't call the Chess Club 'Checker Champs' or anything like that. We're going to go to everything this year, you guys. We're going to go to soccer, wrestling, basketball... everything. We know you've got a lot of spirit! Everybody -- riiiiiight? And we're gonna destroy Lincoln next week? Riiiiiiight? ANGLE ON THE STUDENTS OF RIDGEMONT They don't respond. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI who is asleep in the bleachers. ANGLE ON BRAD AND LISA sitting nearby. We hear them over the drone of the assembly. BRAD Man, I don't even want to see those guys from Carl's again. LISA If you'd apologize I think Dennis would take you back. BRAD Apologize to that wimp? No way. Fuck Dennis Taylor. They sit in silence for a moment. BRAD (CONT'D) I'm just glad we're still together, Lisa, because I need you this year. LISA (sighs) Look, Brad, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you this. We're almost out of high school, this is our last year. I think we owe it to ourselves to be free, and meet some new people. Then, if we get back together, we'll know it's the right thing. TIGHT ANGLE ON BRAD'S FACE as he accepts the news. LISA (O.S.) (CONT'D) But I still want to be friends. TIGHT ANGLE ON BRAD'S FACE as it falls slack. INT. GYM - PODIUM IN FRONT OF ASSEMBLY CINDY We're going to be going to every game this year. We just want the crowd to participate and we want spirit from every little person in this entire school. Allll-Riiiight? There is unenthusiastic, minor applause from the assembled students of Ridgemont High. Vice Principal Ray Connors, a tough-looking man with an H.R. Haldeman crew cut, approaches the podium. He has a sour look on his face. CONNORS Well, thank you, girls. People, don't forget, the big game is one week away. We'll see everybody back here on Monday and have a good weekend. For the first time during this assembly, there is a loud and hearty applause. A GRAINY HIGH SCHOOL FILM 57 We are suddenly watching a movie shown on a class projection screen. We see footage of a serene, middle-class neighborhood -- as seen through the glass windshield of a car. Judging from the other vehicles parked on the street, the film is from the early Sixties. We hear the narrative voice of Desi Arnaz, speaking in his inimitable Latin accent. ARNAZ Driving ess an important part of each and every one of our da-ily lives. Ees a responsibility like no o-ther and ess a matter of life and... A ball comes rolling out into the serene street. A small child runs out after it. The driving of our vehicle brakes, but not in time. The film freeze frames on the terrified face of a child about to be splattered. ARNAZ (CONT'D) Death. There is a swell of dramatic music. ARNAZ (CONT'D) They have foun'... The Braking Point. The words flash on the screen and we hear a high school Driver's Training class groan in mock horror. INT. DRIVER TRAINING CLASS - DAY ANGLE ON CHARLES JEFFERSON AND BRAD HAMILTON who are seated in this class. ANGLE ON LINDA AND STACY sitting together in the class. They are oblivious, lost in conversation. STACY What do you think of that guy who works at the theatre? You know, Mark Ratner. LINDA Oh, come on. What is he? Fifteen? STACY Sixteen. Linda looks nauseous. LINDA Just watch out if he pulls up in a van, and then puts on a Led Zeppelin tape. INT. DRIVER TRAINING CLASS The film returns to another serene street scene as seen through another front windshield. ARNAZ The driver here has had jus' two drinks. Two drinks at the home of a frien'. We hear the very-present sounds of Driver's Training students. STUDENT #1 He's fucked-up, Ricky! STUDENT #2 They guys a drunk, Ricky! ARNAZ And although this driver thinks he ees drivin' well, he may be 'doing okay, but he forgets to per-ceive what ees real goin' on... In the film, another car comes barreling from the left, running a stop sign and exploding into the side of the two-drink goner. In the class, the Driver's Training students are howling. EXT. RIDGEMONT MALL - EARLY EVENING The parking lot is full. Kids and shoppers stream through the entrance in groups of all sizes. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL All three levels are teeming with kids. ANGLE ON THE VIDEO PINBALL ARCADE where we see Jeff Spicoli manning the Missile Command machine. Spicoli wears a red bandana across his forehead. A cigarette dangles from his mouth. He is surrounded by a fleet of young surfers who listen to him with reverence. SPICOLI Be noble. Be aggressive. The thing about Missile Command is to decimate before you can be decimated. Just like in real life. The youngsters hang on every word of the sage advice. ANGLE ON A GANG OF SURF NAZIS walking in formation. ANGLE ON MIKE DAMONE AND MARK RATNER walking the mall. DAMONE Check it out, Rat. The Surf Nazis... out for a Sunday stroll. Damone and The Rat walk on. The Rat is barely interested. He appears deep in thought. THE RAT What do I say after she gets in the car? Damone, obviously in his element here at the mall, stops to flash a winning smile at a well-built older housewife. DAMONE No problem, Rat. What you need is my special Five Point Plan. As he talks, Damone passes a Country Farms shop. He plucks a free sample of cheese and sausage. THE RAT Knock it off, Damone. I need real help. DAMONE What do you mean? Men have died trying to obtain this information. I will give it to you for free. The Rat and Damone continue on. THE RAT Okay. Tell me. What's the Five Point Plan? DAMONE All right. Pay attention. The Rat nods, always the student, as they pass a Wherehouse Record store. Damone stops right in front of a seductively posed life-sized cardboard stand-up of Debbie Harry, the alluring rock singer. Damone begins his speech. DAMONE (CONT'D) First of all, Rat... never let on how much you like a girl. Damone turns to the cardboard cutout of Debbie Harry to demonstrate. DAMONE (CONT'D) (disinterested) Oh. Hi. (turns back to The Rat) ) Two. Always call the shots. He turns to Debbie Harry, who looks on with an inviting cardboard smile. DAMONE (CONT'D) Kiss me. (to The Rat) Three. Act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. (to Debbie Harry; debonair) ) Isn't this great? (to The Rat) Four. When ordering food, find out what she wants and then order for both of you... it's a classy move. (to Debbie Harry; Cary Grant) And the lady will have... (to The Rat) Five. And this is most important. When you get down to making out, whenever possible, put on the first side of Led Zeppelin IV. (to Debbie Harry; seductive) Why don't you put this tape on? It sounds great in the back of my van... why don't we listen from there? ANGLE ON DEBBIE HARRY with the same inviting smile. DAMONE (CONT'D) And that is how you talk to a girl, Rat. Voila. You can't miss. THE RAT I think I've got it. Once I get going, I'll be okay. But... how do I get started? I mean, I hardly know her. DAMONE You wuss. It's no problem. One person says something to the other and that's how it starts... Standing there in the front of the Wherehouse, The Rat nods his head and smiles. He's finally beginning to understand, and we... CUT TO: EXT. THE RAT'S CAR - LATER THAT NIGHT We see The Rat behind the wheel of a green Volvo. Stacy sits beside him. They are driving the streets of Ridgemont. INT. THE RAT'S CAR This is it. The Big Date. "Led Zeppelin IV" is on the car stereo of his sister's van. Finally... STACY Thanks for coming to get me. THE RAT Sure thing. Silence. EXT. THE RAT'S CAR He rounds the corner of Luna Street, off the neon fast-food stand that is Ridgemont Drive. INT. THE RAT'S CAR Yet another silence has fallen. Then, after a time... STACY This is a nice car. THE RAT Yeah. It's my sister's. Silence. STACY Do you have Mrs. George for English? THE RAT Yeah. She is pretty good. STACY Yeah. She is pretty good. EXT. ATLANTIS RESTAURANT - NIGHT They pull into the parking lot of a steak and lobster house called The Atlantis. THE RAT Joey at Cinema Four said this is a pretty good restaurant. STACY I've heard that, too. The Rat finds a parking spot near the back of the lot, grateful that the long silence is over. He walks with Stacy to the front of The Atlantis. INT. THE ATLANTIS - NIGHT The Rat and Stacy are escorted by the host to a nearby table. They are given large wooden menus. THE RAT Do you know what you want? STACY I think I'll have the Seafood Salad Special. THE RAT Excellent. The Rat leans back in the booth. He is starting to feel in control now. Then something hits him. The panic sweeps across his face. Slowly, The Rat reaches back to check his wallet. It's gone. STACY Are you all right? THE RAT (weakly) Oh yeah. Cool. Cool was the name of the game. Stay cool. THE RAT (CONT'D) Do you mind if I excuse myself for a moment? STACY Not at all. Just as The Rat is about to get up, the Waitress approaches the table. WAITRESS Are you ready to order here? THE RAT Well... sure. (settles back down) She will have the Seafood Salad Special. And I will have... the same. WAITRESS Anything to drink? THE RAT Two Cokes. WAITRESS Okay. Thanks. The Rat gets back up again, looking paler by the minute. He excuses himself and walks over to the pay phone by the Atlantis toilets. The Rat dials a number. Damone answers. INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - NIGHT He is sitting in a chair, leaning onto the back two legs, watching television. DAMONE Yo. THE RAT (V.O.) Damone. It's Mark. DAMONE Mark. What happened to your date? THE RAT It's happening right now. I'm here at the Atlantis. Everything's fine except... I left my wallet at home. DAMONE Did you go home and get it? THE RAT No. It's too late. The food is coming and everything. Damone, I've got to ask you this favor, and I'll never ask you for anything again in this lifetime or any other. Will you please borrow your mom's car, go by my house, get my wallet, and meet me back here? There is silence. THE RAT (CONT'D) Damone, are you there? DAMONE (world-weary sigh) I'm really pretty busy... ANGLE ON DAMONE'S TELEVISION as we see the flickering images of Leave It To Beaver. DAMONE (CONT'D) You owe me for this one. INT. ATLANTIS The Rat hangs up, mildly relieved, and returns to the table. DISSOLVE TO: INT. STACY AND THE RAT'S TABLE - AN HOUR LATER The Rat and Stacy have finished the meal, and desert. ANGLE ON THE CHECK as it sits in a little tray before The Rat. The Waitress approaches the table. It is clear she wants to make room for other customers and bigger tips. WAITRESS Are you sure there's nothing else I can bring you? THE RAT I'll have one more Coke... Do you want another Coke, Stacy? STACY (quizzical) ) Sure. I'll... have another Coke. THE RAT Two more Cokes. WAITRESS (sarcastic) Two... more... Cokes. ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR as Mike Damone finally walks in. Damone looks over the diners, then feigns great surprise when he sees The Rat. DAMONE Hey, Mark. Is that you? THE RAT Damone! You come here? DAMONE I come for the seafood. It's great! Hey... you know what, Mark? I found your wallet the other day. You want it back? THE RAT Wow. I've been looking for that thing! Hey, Damone, have you met Stacy Hamilton? Stacy, this is Mike Damone. Stacy smiles politely, with the slightest sparkle in her eye, as the Waitress returns with the two Cokes. DAMONE Well, I've gotta be running. THE RAT Okay. See ya. ANGLE ON STACY looking strangely at the proceedings. DAMONE Nice to meet you, Stacy. STACY Nice to meet you. Damone leaves. The Rat takes a few quick gulps of Coke, and gets up to pay the bill. As he moves out of camera range, we see the strange look on the faces of waitresses and diners. INT. THE RAT'S CAR - LATE EVENING The Rat pulls up to Stacy's house in the cul-de sac. He stares straight ahead, like a zombie. THE RAT I had a really nice time tonight. STACY Me, too. I'm real sorry someone broke in and stole your tape deck. The Rat nods glumly. THE RAT I never thought it would happen at The Atlantis. Jeez. STACY Do you want to come inside? THE RAT Aren't your parents asleep? STACY No, they're away for the weekend. Brad and I are watching the house. THE RAT Okay. Sure. I'll come in. We see a confused but interested look on The Rat's face. INT. THE HAMILTON HOUSE - EVENING They walk in the front door. The Rat stands uncomfortably in the doorway to the living room. THE RAT Where's your brother? STACY I don't know. Probably out. Want something to drink? THE RAT No. That's okay. STACY Well, I'm going to change real quick. I hope you don't mind. THE RAT Naw. I don't mind. Stacy turns her back and pulls up her hair. STACY Will you unzip me? ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE as the wheels inside his mind start to spin. This can't be what it seems. He unzips Stacy, past her bra, down to the small of her back. It's the first time he's ever done anything like that. STACY (CONT'D) Thanks! She walks down the hall to her room, easing out of her dress as she walks. She leaves the door to her room open. STACY (CONT'D) You can come in, if you want! ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE He is completely unsure of himself, as he begins to walk down the hall. His heart pounds into his throat. He turns the corner and steps into Stacy's room. INT. STACY'S ROOM - NIGHT Stacy stands there, looking gorgeous in an almost seethrough white robe. The Rat pretends not to notice. THE RAT So... pretty nice house you've got here. STACY Thanks. So... (puts hands on hips) What do you want to do? ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE as he struggles with the memory of Damone's words. "Always call the shots." THE RAT I don't know. STACY Do you want to see some pictures? I kept a lot of scrapbooks and pictures and stuff from junior high. How stupid, right? THE RAT Sure. Stacy goes to her closet, reaches up to grab the books from the top shelf. The Rat watches her robe slip up her legs. Then she sits down next to him. Her knee grazes his. It is almost too much for The Rat. Go for it. We see The Rat struggle with the action of putting his arm around her. He almost does, but then reacts as she says suddenly... STACY This is me in the eighth grade. Did you have Mr. Deegan? THE RAT (looking pained) Oh, yeah. I had Mr. Deegan. Her knee grazes him again. Does she expect something? THE RAT (CONT'D) Look, Stacy, I want you to know that... The Rat struggles. Try as he might, he can't seem to cross the line. He can't make his move. He is woeful as he completes the sentence. THE RAT (CONT'D) ... I've got to go home. STACY Do you really have to go? THE RAT Well... it's getting kind of late. Suddenly, The Rat is seized with ambition. He reaches one hand around her right shoulder and plants the other hand directly on her left breast. It looks something like a wrestling hold. The Rat looks at Stacy. Stacy looks back at The Rat. The Rat is absolutely frozen. STACY I guess it is getting late, Mark. She shrugs him off, walks him to the door. EXT. THE HAMILTON HOME - NIGHT We see The Rat's forlorn face as he trudges towards his car. He stops. He takes a breath -- it wasn't that late, he really didn't want to leave. The Rat turns and begins walking back up the Hamilton steps. Just as he does so, Stacy's bedroom light clicks off. It was too late. He kicks at his car. THE RAT You blew it, asshole. Behind him, recklessly speeding towards Ridgemont Drive, is Charles Jefferson's blue Mustang. EXT./INT. THE BLUE MUSTANG - NIGHT Jeff Spicoli is behind the wheel. Sitting next to him is Little Charles, "L.C.", Jefferson's younger brother. They're smoking grass and holding Lowenbrau beers in between their legs. The radio is blasting the music of Rick James. L.C. Hey, slow down. This is my brother's car. SPICOLI I thought he was out of town. L.C. He is. SPICOLI Then don't hassle it. They speed off down Ridgemont. L.C. Seen the new Playboy? SPICOLI Naw. Any good? L.C. Suzanne Somers' tits. SPICOLI All right. L.C. I like sex. Spicoli sees something in the rearview mirror. SPICOLI Hold your beer down, L.C., I think it's a cop. Spicoli slows down. The car behind him slows down. SPICOLI (CONT'D) This is a cop. He's definitely cruising me at busting distance. The high beams switch on behind Spicoli. SPICOLI (CONT'D) What the fuck is this guy doing? The car behind Spicoli then advances to the point where it is now almost touching the blue Mustang. SPICOLI (CONT'D) What the fuck is this guy doing? L.C. This ain't no cop. The mystery car bumps them lightly from behind. L.C. (CONT'D) Hey! He's gonna scratch my brother's car! The two boys start yelling. High beams fill the Mustang with bright light and... EXT./INT. MUSTANG AND GRANADA Then mystery car pulls back, then up alongside Spicoli and L.C. on the left. We hear the music on the radio of George Thoroughgood's "Ride On, Josephine". SPICOLI It's a bunch of Jocks in a Granada! L.C. They're fuckin' with us. The drivers of the two cars eye each others. Then the Granada begins inching over, trying to force Spicoli off the road. L.C. (CONT'D) My brother's car! SPICOLI All right. Die, Granada Jocks! Spicoli guns ahead, in a real bullet move, and easily overtakes the Granada. Spicoli is proud of himself. He checks himself out in the rearview and turns to L.C. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Would you roll your window up, L.C.? It's messing my hair. Spicoli pulls way ahead of the Granada, while L.C. rolls his window up. Spicoli looks over to L.C. and smiles wickedly. Now Spicoli wants to show off. He pushes the pedal to the floor. L.C. We just missed the turnoff to the party. SPICOLI You know the thing I love about Mustangs? The steering wheel. Spicoli fingers the bubbles in the wheel. SPICOLI (CONT'D) With a genuine Mustang steering wheel, you can negotiate a hairpin turn with ease, my man. EXT./INT. MUSTANG on the word "ease", Spicoli curls his finger into one of the Mustang steering wheel bubbles and whips it clockwise. The idea is to turn off onto a side street and head back to the party. But instead, at the moment of the hairpin turn, L.C. is attempting to switch the radio station. Spicoli crooks his finger farther into the bubble than he expected. The car swings in a complete circle, a circle that includes a bright yellow fire hydrant. The hydrant rips the side of the car open like a can of tuna. There is a silent moment of terror. SPICOLI Are you okay? There is silence. Outside the smashed car, the Granada Jocks pass Spicoli and L.C. GRANADA JOCKS Fuck youuuuuuuuuu! Then L.C. stirs and utters his first words. L.C. My brother is going to kill us. He's gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill us. SPICOLI Just be glad you're all right. L.C. My brother is gonna shit. SPICOLI Make up your mind. Is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us? L.C. First he's gonna shit. And then he's gonna kill us.. SPICOLI Will you just relax, mon? He's not gonna kill us. My father is a television repairman. He's got all kinds of tools. I can fix-this car. L.C. You can't fix this car, Spicoli. ANGLE ON THE BLUE MUSTANG waffled and mangled. It is just inches away from scrap iron. SPICOLI I can fix it. MONTAGE OF SHOTS as we see Ridgemont High gearing up for its big Homecoming Game against Lincoln. We see a series of shots of kids talking about it, wagering on the chances of a Ridgemont victory. We see the many signs and placards all over school, proclaiming Ridgemont revenge. We see students lining up to vote for Homecoming King and Queen in the gymnasium. It is the most spirit that Ridgemont has shown this year. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT SCHOOL - FLAGPOLE - DAY From the back of the parking lot, we see a crowd around the flagpole. A group of kids are staring at something. They sadly shake their heads at the sight, as if they are witnessing a funeral. As we draw closer, we see the center of commotion. It is an ugly sight. Someone had wrecked Charles Jefferson's Blue Scholarship Mustang and welded it to the flagpole. Spray-painted on the side was the message: LINCOLN SURF PUNKS RULE. EXT. RIDGEMONT BLEACHERS - NIGHT The Ridgemont football bleachers are full of cheering students. We see the same basic groups from lunch court, and many more. The cheerleaders are on the field -- Cindy Carr, Dina Phillips and company -- and their cheerleader "husbands" sit directly in front of them in the stands. Linda and Stacy sit in the bleachers with some of the Swenson's girls. The Rat and Damone sit several rows above them, watching. The teachers sit together in another section. ANGLE ON BRAD HAMILTON who is again sitting alone in the bleachers. Watching. Several old lunch court friends pass by, on their way to the concession area. STUDENT #1 Hey, Brad! How's going? BRAD All right. STUDENT #2 Where you working? BRAD Fish and chips place. STUDENT #1 Which one? BRAD Just a fish and chips place. Brad says nothing more. The students look at each other. STUDENTS We'll be seeing you, Brad! BRAD (sullen) Later. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - THE GAME - NIGHT Everyone is cheering the amazing game on the field. Charles Jefferson is poised on the offensive line. He mutters a string of obscenities at the opposing Lincoln player. The ball is snapped, and Charles Jefferson comes directly at the player with both elbows up and angled to hit inside his helmet. The Lincoln player is hit and keels over. Charles Jefferson sets up for another play. The ball is snapped. Ka-boom. Down falls another Lincoln player. Jefferson doesn't know who it was who wrecked his Mustang, but he wasn't about to spare any of them. There is pure madness in his eyes. It has taken him over. The Ridgemont points rack up. Jefferson is single handedly maiming Lincoln for Homecoming. EXT. RIDGEMONT BLEACHERS - NIGHT We see Jeff Spicoli and L.C. sitting calmly in the bleachers, watching. SPICOLI I think we may have gotten away clean. EXT. FIELD AND SCOREBOARD The half-time gun fires and the score is 36-7... Ridgemont. Even the Ridgemont players steer clear of Charles Jefferson as they return to their locker room. EXT. THE HAMILTON POOL - HOT AFTERNOON - SEVERAL WEEKS LATER Linda and Stacy are sitting by the pool, dressed in string tie bathing suits. They are listening to the music of Tom Petty's "Breakdown" playing on the living room stereo. Linda luxuriously applies suntan lotion to her chest and legs, in long and writhing strokes. Stacy reads a book. It's called Total Orgasm. Several beats pass. LINDA I sent a letter to Doug today. I'll be so glad when he gets out here. STACY (engrossed in book) You really ought to look at this, Linda. There's a drawing on every page... and all these quizzes. It's like school. LINDA Why don't you put your mother's secret book back? Linda continues regally applying lotion. STACY Listen to this... 'What are your mate's three most erogenous zones?' LINDA (automatic) Okay, penis, that's one, balls... STACY Wouldn't penis and balls be the same category? LINDA You're right. Probably penis, mouth and neck. STACY All right! Here's another one. 'The most satisfactory lovemaking occurs when your mate climaxes first, you climax first, you and your mate climax together?' LINDA Climax together. STACY Does that ever happen? LINDA No. But it's a nice idea. STACY Listen to this ... it says 'Most women derive pleasure from sex, but they don't have real orgasms.' Linda stops applying lotion, considers that thought. LINDA Well... they obviously don't know about Doug. They laugh. Linda resumes applying the lotion. Stacy continues reading the book. A couple of beats pass. STACY How long does Doug take? LINDA I don't know. Thirty to forty minutes. STACY (pause) What's Doug do in Chicago? LINDA He works for the airline. He'll be out here. You'll meet him. Stacy looks at Linda, almost disbelieving. LINDA (CONT'D) (wistful) He's no high school boy. There is a noise by the side fence leading into the Hamiltons' backyard. It is Mark Ratner and Mike Damone. They are already wearing swimsuits. DAMONE Hey! We came over to help you with Math homework! STACY Oh, really? THE RAT Really. We figured you needed the help. On such a hot day. Stacy quickly stashes the book in a stack of towels beside her. She leans over to Linda and speaks confidentially. STACY What do you think? LINDA I think they're both virgins. Stacy smiles, gets up and goes over to the fence. STACY I didn't ask for any help. Did you, Linda? LINDA No. DAMONE Well, that's exactly why I brought some Wisk for the jacuzzi. STACY O-kay, you guys can come swimming. But you have to leave as soon as my Mom gets home. Okay? EXT. HAMILTON POOL Mike Damone yells "banzai!" and dives into the small pool. At one end of the pool is the jacuzzi, which is separated by a tile wall. Damone has already poured the Wisk into the jacuzzi, and the detergent has created a huge bubble bath effect. Damone surfaces and flips into the jacuzzi. Stacy, looking great in a green bikini, sits kicking her legs by the side of the pool. Linda stands on the board. She is poised to dive. The Rat treads water and stares at both girls. Inside the Hamilton living room, the family stereo plays the music of Deep Purple's "Woman From Tokyo". DAMONE Hey, Linda! I'll judge your dive. I'm a champion diver myself. Brad arrives home by the side gate and slams it behind him. He is home from a bad day at work. He walks out onto the patio and stands with his hands on his hips. For the first time, our former campus hero looks absurd. He is still in his uniform from Captain Kidd Fish and Chips -- it is a blue and white striped Pirates of the Caribbean outfit, complete with black plastic sword at the side, and a ridiculously large Ponce de Leon-esque hat. Brad carries the hat under his arm. BRAD Does Mom know you have company? STACY It's just Linda. And Mark from school. Brad ignores the underclassmen, and notices Linda on the board in her maroon bikini. He smiles. BRAD Hi, Linda. LINDA Hi, Brad. BRAD Well, you guys, keep it down. I've got some work to do upstairs. Brad turns and heads back inside. He is just out of earshot when they begin talking about him. LINDA God, he hardly even talks anymore. STACY I know. He hates to have to wear uniforms. DAMONE Poor guy. THE RAT Really. Stacy breaks the spell by jumping into the water, surfacing, and flipping over the tile wall into the Jacuzzi. She sits next to Damone, looking mischievous. ANGLE ON DAMONE AND STACY IN THE JACUZZI talking while the others are at the other end of the pool. ANGLE ON THE RAT casually catching sight of them together from the other side of the pool. We can read the emotions on The Rat's face. He is still taken with Stacy, but his big moment for her appears to have passed. ANGLE ON DAMONE AND STACY IN THE JACUZZI as they talk. Underneath the water, her leg accidentally knocks against his. Then he feels her continue. Damone feels Stacy's cool hand on his inner thigh. Moving upwards, stopping just short of the bulge in his trunks. ANGLE ON DAMONE'S FACE as it loosens and quivers just the slightest bit. This is uncharted territory, even for Mr. Attitude. ANGLE ON LINDA who is now sunning herself by the side of the pool. She rubs her legs against each other, slowly, enjoying the hot afternoon. EXT. BRAD'S WINDOW - ANGLE ON BRAD who is watching Linda from the window in his room. We see him from behind, peeking out the curtains. EXT. POOL - ANGLE ON LINDA who smiles at Damone and flips back into the pool with a splash. Damone steals a look down at his swimsuit. He's popped a big one. THE RAT Why don't you get up and do a dive, Mike? LINDA Go ahead. ANGLE ON DAMONE'S FACE and we know he can't get out of the water yet. DAMONE No. I don't think so. Not right now. THE RAT Chicken! Linda, for one, loses interest quickly. Standing by the side of the pool, she jams a finger in her ear and wiggles it. LINDA Stacy! I've got water in my ears. Do you have any Q-Tips? STACY God, I don't think so. Better look in the house. Linda towels off and heads back inside the Hamilton house. She knows how to walk. INT. BRAD'S BEDROOM AND BATHROOM - AFTERNOON We see Brad's room. The Carl's burger picture on the wall is conspicuously missing. There is music playing from his stereo -- Pink Floyd's "You and Me". We see Brad. He is kneeling on the bathroom floor, his back to us. His green T-shirt is on, his underwear in a pile on the floor behind him. His arm is pumping slowly. Brad is jacking off. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HAMILTON POOL - BRAD'S DAYDREAM It features Linda Barrett, just as she stood on the diving board a moment ago. She is gorgeous. Her breasts seem even bigger than usual. Her nipples are hard, poking through the film maroon string bikini. Water rolls slowly down her cheeks, into the corners of her mouth. Her lips are parted slightly. Her eyes are filled with desire as she says... LINDA Hi, Brad. (pause) You know how cute I always thought you were. I think you're so sexy. Will you come to me? ANGLE ON BRAD IN DAYDREAM in a nice shirt, his hair combed back and looking great. He walks to Linda. She reaches out and grabs him for a kiss, pulling him close. Then she pushes him away, so he can watch as she carefully unstraps the top of her bathing suit. The incredible Linda Barrett's breasts fall loose. She takes Brad's hands and places them on her, as she begins unbuttoning his shirt. They are just about to fall into passionate lovemaking when we hear... LINDA (O.S.) (CONT'D) Hey, Brad! Do you have any Q-Ti... The daydream evaporates and we see real life again with an... INT. BRAD'S BATHROOM - ANGLE ON LINDA'S FACE in the doorway of Brad's bathroom as she watches the sight before her. ANGLE ON BRAD trying to cover himself and act nonchalant and keep his back turned at the same time. The words barely escape his mouth. BRAD Wait just a... minute. LINDA Sorry. I didn't know anybody was in here. Linda turns and goes immediately, as if she wants to forget what she saw as quickly as possible. She closes the door behind her. ANGLE ON BRAD still kneeling. It had all happened so quickly, so fast BRAD Doesn't anybody fuckin' knock anymore? He slams the toilet seat down and we... CUT TO: INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - DAY The third attendance bell rings, and Mr. Hand strides to the front of the class. He locks the door. Then he takes the front of the class and notices something very different. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI bright and clear-eyed, sitting in the front row. His hands are clasped in front of him on the desk. His textbook is open to the proper page. Mr. Hand is suspicious, but continues with class. MR. HAND Now in 1898, Spain owned Cuba. Outright. Think about it. Cuba, owned by a disorganized parliament 4,000 miles away. Cubans were in a constant state of revolt. Mr. Hand begins pacing the aisles as he talks. MR. HAND (CONT'D) In 1904, the United States decided to throw a little weight around, and... There is a brief, sharp knock at the door. Mr. Hand whips his head around, like McGarrett. He approaches the door like a cat. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (sweet voice) Who is it? VOICE Mr. Pizza. MR. HAND Again? VOICE Mr. Pizza, sir! Hand swings the door open, out of curiosity. In walks a young Man in a Mr. Pizza delivery shirt. PIZZA MAN Okay, who had the double cheese sausage and bologna? Jeff Spicoli speaks up. SPICOLI That's me. The Delivery Man takes the pizza, sets it on the desk, as Spicoli whips out some crumpled dollars. Then he produces yet another crumpled dollar, and presses it into the Delivery Man's hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) For you, my man. The Delivery Man thanks him warmly, just as Mr. Hand rages into the picture. MR. HAND Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? SPICOLI Learning about Cuba. Having some food. MR. HAND Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance in my class and on my time. SPICOLI (cool and urbane) I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here... and you're here... doesn't that make it our time? Mr. Hand is so furious he's almost shaking. SPICOLI (CONT'D) So I thought I'd order us a pizza. Just leave me a lot of bologna... Mr. Hand snatches up the pizza, and starts to throw it in the wastebasket. Then he thinks better, and heads for the door. He opens it just as a gang of young Stoners walk past. STONER #1 There's the pizza. STONER #2 Totally! Mr. Hand pushes the pizza into their hands and slams the door. SPICOLI You better save some for me, you swine! MR. HAND And you, my friend. I'll see you for a two-hour detention every afternoon this week. Spicoli eases back in his chair, shrugs. It was a good idea at the time. INT. CAPTAIN KIDD FISH AND CHIPS - DAY Brad Hamilton, looks terribly uncomfortable in his Ponce de Leon hat and buccaneer uniform. He rings up an order for an older Customer. CUSTOMER Why aren't you in school, son? BRAD I go to school in the mornings. I have a work study program for the afternoon. He bags one final coffee and punches up the amount. BRAD $8.46, please. CUSTOMER Here you go. I have it exactly. (sets money down) Good luck! BRAD Thank you, and thanks for coming to Captain Kidd. Brad loosens his buccaneer scarf, and starts back towards the kitchen. He is stopped by the sudden appearance of Captain Kidd Assistant Manager, Harold. HAROLD Hamilton! I'll take over the fryer. Those boys at IBM need some Catch of-the-Day boxes, and I told them you would personally deliver them within the hour. I'll reimburse you for gas. Brad dutifully unhooks his apron, to reveal the bottom half of his pirate suit. BRAD Just write me out a bill. While Harold leans down to tally up the fish order, Brad goes to a nearby employee's closet. He has completely perfected the art of changing back into his street clothes, and it takes less than a minute. He is just about to finish buttoning his street shirt when Harold sees him. HAROLD Hamilton, come over here. What is that you've got on? BRAD This is how I dress all the time. HAROLD But you took off your Captain Kidd uniform. BRAD I thought I'd take it off for the drive over to IBM. It's kind of uncomfortable. Harold can barely fathom the idea. HAROLD Come on, Hamilton. You're going over there to represent Captain Kidd Fish and Chips. We have stores all over Southern California. Part of our image, part of our appeal is in our uniforms. You know that! BRAD You really want me to put all this stuff back on? HAROLD Yes. I think so. Show some pride, Hamilton. ANGLE ON BRAD as he stands there, stoic looking. BRAD I don't believe you're asking me to do this, but okay. He begins taking off his street shirt. He looks at Harold, looks at the boxes, and returns to the closet. INT. THE CRUISING VESSEL Brad is driving down the freeway, listening to the music of Bruce Springsteen's "Out in the Streets." He pries open one of the fourteen Catch-of-the-Day boxes on the seat next to him and pulls out a small piece of fried fish. Brad takes a bite. The look on his face says it is the worst piece of shit he has ever tasted. He throws the piece out the window, and drives on. Brad turns to see a girl smiling at him from another car. It makes his afternoon. He returns the smile with gusto. ANGLE ON THE GIRL as she bursts out laughing and drives away. ANGLE ON BRAD looking perplexed. Then he realizes that he hasn't taken his Ponce de Leon hat off. Brad drives on. A SERIES OF ANGLES ON BRAD'S CAR as we see the Cruising Vessel move down the highway. We see the Captain Kidd hat go flying out the window. Then the plastic sword, and the scarf. Then a couple boxes of Captain Kidd fish. Then the rest of them. We see Brad rip past the IBM Building. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON School is out and kids are leaving campus, heading for the parking lot and bus stop. We see Mike Damone carrying some books, walking towards Ridgemont Drive. He is joined by Stacy Hamilton, who hurries to catch up to him. STACY I can't wait until I can drive next year. I walk every day. It's such a drag. DAMONE Get a ride with somebody. STACY Sometimes I get a ride with my brother. But he usually works in the mornings, and then drives to school himself. DAMONE What a guy. Damone turns to her after a moment, all Attitude. DAMONE (CONT'D) You know Mark Ratner really likes you. You like him? STACY Mark is a really nice boy... Stacy walks along, then stops and looks at Damone. STACY (CONT'D) But I think I like you. They turn the corner. EXT. HAMILTON HOME They have arrived at Stacy's house. There are no cars parked out front. No one is home. STACY Do you want to come in for a second? The Attitude starts to weaken. After a long pause, Damone responds. DAMONE Do you have any ice tea? STACY Sure. Come on in. Stacy unlocks her front door, they go inside. INT. HAMILTON KITCHEN Damone stands in the white linoleum Hamilton kitchen. Stacy opens the refrigerator door. STACY I guess the annuals are coming in pretty soon. Are you going to get one? DAMONE I don't know. STACY Aren't you curious to see how your class picture turned out? DAMONE I know what I look like. Stacy places a glass of ice tea in front of him. They are all alone in the house. STACY Do you want to take a quick swim? DAMONE Well... STACY Brad probably has some trunks you can borrow... I'm going to my room to change! Damone stares straight ahead. She's going to her room to change. Stacy scoots down the hall toward her bedroom. DAMONE This is great ice tea! INT. STACY'S ROOM - ANGLE ON STACY IN HER ROOM In the middle of changing, she has caught her own reflection in the mirror. She pauses a moment, looking at the young girl looking back. INT. KITCHEN - ANGLE ON DAMONE IN THE KITCHEN He continues staring straight ahead. STACY (from other room) You don't have to shout! You can come back here to my room! Damone doesn't move. He pretends he doesn't hear. A moment later, Stacy comes bounding back down the hall in her green bikini. She grabs Damone by the arm. STACY Come with me! I know there's a suit in the changing room! She pulls him away. INT. THE CHANGING ROOM They enter the wood-panelled changing room next to the Hamilton pool. There are two swimsuits hanging from wooden pegs. STACY Pick a suit. DAMONE I don't know. It's getting pretty late... She locks the door to the changing room and begins to walk towards Mike Damone. STACY Are you really a virgin? DAMONE Come on... He could feel his leg starting to shake the slightest bit. STACY It's okay if it's your first time. She gives him a kiss. DAMONE Listen. I feel pretty strange here. Because Mark really likes you, and he's my friend. STACY He's my friend, too. She gives him another kiss. He kisses her in return. Standing there, feeling Stacy in her bikini, feeling her kiss him, Damone also felt some of his reservations slip away. DAMONE You're a really good kisser. STACY So are you. (pause) Are you shaking? DAMONE (shaking) No. Are you crazy? It is clear that this is as far as Mr. Attitude has ever gotten with a girl. Stacy takes the initiative, rubbing her hands through his hair, rubbing his sides, kissing his neck, then pulling away. STACY (whispers) Why don't you take off your clothes, Mike? DAMONE You first. STACY How about both of us at the same time? Damone nods, and watches as Stacy unhooks her top and steps out of her bikini bottom. She stands naked in the shadows of the afternoon sun. She sits down naked on a red changing room couch, and gathers her legs up to her chest. She watches as Damone struggles with his clothes. ANGLE ON DAMONE hopping on one leg, pulling first out of his pants, then his jockey underwear. Bashfully, he goes to sit next to Stacy on the couch. They begin to kiss, and it quickly escalates into heavy petting. Stacy pulls away. STACY I want you to know that it's your final decision if we should continue or not. DAMONE Let's continue. Stacy leans back and pulls him on top of her. He enters her and begins pumping so hard, so fast, that he doesn't notice he's banging the sofa into the wall of the changing room. But just as quickly as Damone starts, he stops. STACY (whispers) Hey, Mike? DAMONE What? Are you all right? STACY I think we're making a lot of noise. DAMONE I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. He has a strange look on his face. STACY What's wrong? DAMONE I think I came. Didn't you feel it? STACY I guess I did. They lay there, Damone still on top of her on the red couch. ANGLE ON DAMONE as we read the confusion on his face. He is embarrassed, a little confused... mostly he just wants to be alone. DAMONE I've got to get home. I've really got to go, Stacy. ANGLE ON STACY as she looks up at him. She gives him a kiss. Damone gets up puts his pants and shirt on. He leaves the changing room. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - AFTERNOON We see Stacy sitting at her usual seat, and she's wearing a bright spring dress with a slight amount of makeup. She looks at Damone's seat with anticipation, but it remains empty as other students file in. Finally, she turns to The Rat. STACY Where's Mike today? THE RAT Today's April 16th. Damone never comes to school on April 16th. STACY What's April 16th? THE RAT It's John Bonham's birthday. STACY John Bonham? THE RAT John Bonham. The drummer for Led Zeppelin. He died a couple years ago. Every birthday he stays home and plays everything John Bonham ever recorded. It's like his own holiday. STACY Oh. I see. The bell rings, and Mr. Vargas enters the room with his Sanka cup. INT. COLLEGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON Seated at the desk is Mrs. O'Rourke. There is a knock at the door. The door swings open. Brad Hamilton holds out his yellow slip. MRS. O'ROURKE Have a seat, Brad... Brad have you got your list of college applications? BRAD Well, to tell you the truth Mrs. O'Rourke, I've kind of been putting it off. I'm not sure what I want to do yet. MRS. O'ROURKE (by rote) All right Brad. Let me ask you like this. If I were queen of the world, and I could make you whatever you wanted to be, what would it be? BRAD I don't know... Burt Reynolds. There is no humor on Mrs. O'Rourke's face. MRS. O'ROURKE I realize it's important to have fun in your senior year, with your friends, but there comes a time when you have to get serious about your future, think about college, and put aside all this fun. Brad looks up suddenly. BRAD You know what, Mrs. O'Rourke? I broke up with my girlfriend this year. I lost my job at Carl's, and two other places. I wake up at 5:30 to work at 7-11, then I go to school, then I go back to 7-11. I have to pay rent, you know. My grades haven't been that bad, and now you're telling me that the fun is over. Well, I'm still waiting for the fun to start. MRS. O'ROURKE Brad, I'll see you when I'm through with the rest of the seniors. If you want to visit the career office, go right ahead. I'll talk to you when you're more prepared. Brad gathers his books and opens the door to leave. MRS. OIROURKE Next! An absolutely exuberant Cindy Carr pops her head in the door. CINDY Hi-yeeeeeeee!!! DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT HALLWAY - MORNING The bell has just rung, and Mike Damone comes out of Youth and Law class. He has an absorbed, driven look on his face. He walks past the rows of lockers, and doesn't even notice as he passes Stacy Hamilton standing by her locker. She smiles, grabs his arm affectionately. STACY Hi Mike! Damone turns to see her, is thoroughly unimpressed. DAMONE Oh. Hi. STACY I didn't see you this morning. DAMONE Look, I'm kind of in a hurry. STACY I'm in a hurry too. I just thought I could say hi to you. DAMONE Hello. He pulls away, leaving a bewildered Stacy standing by her locker. She grabs some books and hurries in the other direction. EXT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY The bus pulls up to the front entrance of University Hospital. The students file out and collect next to the front door. Mr. Vargas gleefully addresses the class. This is his favorite field trip. MR. VARGAS Today we're going to explore how this hospital works to preserve human life. We'll be visiting every floor, every level where these fine doctors and nurses take care of us, in life... and in death. INT. MATERNITY WARD The class exits from a hospital elevator, onto another floor. They are now standing outside the maternity ward. We hear the loud noise of babies. MR. VARGAS Over thirty children are delivered here each day... The class moves on. INT. THE BOTTOM FLOOR The class exits another hospital elevator. MR. VARGAS This is part of your third quarter exam, and I'd advise you to take careful notes on what we're about to see. ANGLE ON DR. MILLER a young intern who has joined the class for the last part of their tour. MR. VARGAS May I just ask you one last time to conduct yourselves with the utmost maturity... The kids are beginning to get very nervous now as they are led down the hall to the "Cold Room." The door to the "Cold Room" has only one sign on it. It reads: CADAVERS -- MEDICAL EXAMINATION ONLY. Mr. Vargas opens the door, and the class seems to gasp. INT. THE COLD ROOM There are six examination tables in the "Cold Room". Each of them contains a cadaver covered by a white sheet. Mr. Vargas has gathered the class around one table in particular. He fingers the edge of the white sheet as he talks. MR. VARGAS As you know, all the bodies in this room are recently deceased human bio-structures. A student raises his hand. MR. VARGAS Yes, Randy? RANDY Who are these guys? MR. VARGAS Most of them were derelicts, Randy. They sold the right for medical examination of their bodies for money. Something like thirty dollars, I believe. Isn't that right, Doctor Miller? DR. MILLER Twenty-five dollars. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI who turns to Stacy. SPICOLI Twenty-five bucks is pretty good. MR. VARGAS Now this gentleman here is named Arthur. Arthur died from heart failure last week and we are fortunate enough to view his body in its pristine state. Mr. Vargas suddenly pulls the white sheet aside and we see the body of Arthur. The students' eyes widen. Some gasp. Others cover their mouths. Others begin furious notes. Nobody speaks. The body of Arthur is smallish and withered. It is orange, flaky, and not quite real looking. A deep cut has been made in Arthur's chest. Mr. Vargas bends Arthur upright for a better student view. He gestures to the deep cut made in Arthur's chest. The tension mounts. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) This incision allows us to pull aside the skin covering of the chest cavity and really observe the human organs as they exist in their natural state. ANGLE ON ARTHUR and his shrunken face, which seems to say please don't. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) I want all of you to take a look at the chest cavity for just a moment. Mr. Vargas grabs the two sides of Arthur's chest cavity covering, and rips it open. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) Here we have the human lungs and heart, which you can see is actually located in the center of your chest. With a squish, Mr. Vargas reaches inside Arthur and pulls out the human heart for display. The class stands in silent shock. Only one comment escapes from any of them. SPICOLI Bitchin'. ANGLE ON STACY HAMILTON who goes running out of the "Cold Room", holding her mouth. The Rat runs after her. INT. BOTTOM FLOOR HALL Rat and Stacy sit side-by-side on some orange plastic chairs, by a nurse's desk. Stacy is shook up. STACY I made a fool of myself. THE RAT Nobody noticed. Don't worry about it. We'll just stay out here until everyone comes out, we'll blend back in. STACY What about the notes? THE RAT I'll get you the notes. She squeezes his arm. EXT. HOSPITAL - AFTERNOON The students file out of the hospital, looking like they've just been through a war. INT. LINDA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT It is night, and Linda and Stacy are watching Fantasy Island. MONTALBAN You see, Tatoo, what this man doesn't realize is that he must one day leave Fantasy Island. And he must continue his life as an incurable leper. Stacy is fighting back tears. Linda looks angry. Telephone rings. Linda jumps to get it. LINDA Hello. Linda obviously is disappointed when she hears a female voice. LINDA (CONT'D) Yeah... you're kidding... What did he say... What did you say... How much did it cost? Look, tell him he can have a relationship with you or a 'more open' relationship with someone else... Listen, Debbie, can I call you later. I'm waiting for Doug to call. She plops back on the couch with Stacy. LINDA (CONT'D) I'll bet he forgets to call again. She notices that Stacy is crying over the TV show. LINDA (CONT'D) God, Stacy, it's not that sad. It's just David Soul and Ricardo Montalban. STACY I don't know, I'm just so depressed. Everything is just so... depressing. Linda shuts off the television. LINDA You have been acting very strange the last few weeks. STACY I don't know... I just don't feel right. Linda sits down next to Stacy on the bed. LINDA What do you think it is? STACY What do you think it is? LINDA It couldn't be. STACY It could be. I had a pregnancy test at the clinic. I'll find out Monday. I guess it was Damone. LINDA Of course it was Damone. If it was Ron Johnson, you'd be out to here! STACY I'm not going to tell him. He's an asshole. I hate him. LINDA But it costs money to have an abortion. Even at the Free Clinic. You tell Damone to pay for it. It's the least he can do. It's the guy's responsibility too. She puts the TV back on and they watch. STACY You know, there's one thing you didn't tell me about guys. LINDA What? STACY You didn't tell me that they can be so nice, so great... but then you sleep with them and they start acting like they're five years old. LINDA You're right. I didn't tell you that. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - TWO DAYS LATER Stacy Hamilton is walking towards Mike Damone on the football field. We see him from a distance, timing track runners. DAMONE What's going on? STACY Mike, there's something that's been on my mind and I have to tell you about it. DAMONE What? Now? He clicks off the time on a runner, and then turns to face her. DAMONE (CONT'D) Why don't you call me up tonight? STACY Mike. I want you to know that I'm pregnant. ANGLE ON STACY as she looks down. They are words she never thought she would be speaking. DAMONE How do you know it's mine? We only did it once. STACY I know it's yours. ANGLE ON DAMONE as he realizes she is sincere, and he truly begins to panic. DAMONE You made me do it! You locked the door. You made me do it! You wanted it more than me! ANGLE ON STACY She does not flinch. STACY Take that back. DAMONE All right, I take it back. ANGLE ON DAMONE He hugs his arms tighter across his chest, and decides to try a more mature tact. DAMONE (CONT'D) There's only one thing we can do. We've got to get rid of it. We've got to get an abortion. STACY We've got to get an abortion? DAMONE Yeah. My brother Art got his girlfriend one once. STACY It's already planned, Mike. It's going to cost $150 at the Free Clinic. DAMONE Doesn't sound free to me. (pause) So you want me to pay for it? STACY Half. Okay? (bites back tears) Seventy-five dollars. And a ride to the clinic. DAMONE Seventy-five dollars, and a ride. Okay. Stacy stands there, hands folded, nodding. DISSOLVE TO: INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - AFTERNOON He is working at his desk, counting through a wad of money. ANGLE ON THE LIST in front of him, which has a split line down the middle. People Who Owe Me -- fifteen dollars Rick. People I Owe -seventy-five dollars REO Speedwagon tickets, seventy-five dollars abortion. Damone counts fifteen dollars into his stack, crosses out Rick. Then he counts through the money. Seventy five dollars exactly. He crosses out REO Speedwagon tickets. This leaves him no money for the abortion. EXT. STREET CORNER - AFTERNOON Here, at the same corner where she once waited for Ron Johnson, Stacy waits for Damone. Cars pass, no Damone. INT. HAMILTON HOUSE - AFTERNOON Stacy is on the phone, calling Damone. We see the phone messages sheet that lists two calls for Stacy, and none for Brad. The line rings four times, then it's answered. FEMALE VOICE Hello? STACY Hello... is Mike there? FEMALE VOICE Hold on. Stacy sags, disbelieving, and looks at the clock on the kitchen wall. It's getting late... FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D) He says he's helping his father in the garage and he'll call you back. Stacy is stunned. FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D) Hello? Stacy hangs up. She punches out another number, quickly. MRS. BARRETT (V.O.) Hello? STACY Hi, Mrs. Barrett. Is Linda there? MRS. BARRETT (V.O.) She went off to the beach. She'll be back later, though. STACY Okay. Thanks. She looks at the clock again, then hears a noise in the driveway. STACY (CONT'D) Brad! Hey, wait a second! She runs out. EXT. CRUISING VESSEL - AFTERNOON Brad and Stacy pull up next to the flea market. STACY Yeah. This is it. I have some shopping to do. BRAD See you later. STACY Thanks a lot, Brad. I really appreciate it. She gets out of the car. EXT. FLEA MARKET Stacy Hamilton watches her brother drive away. Then she looks to both sides, and walks on. She passes the entrance to the Flea Market. She walks around the corner to another building marked BIRTH CONTROL - FREE CLINIC. Brad follows her in the rearview mirror. INT. BIRTH CONTROL CLINIC Stacy is lying in bed wearing a paper dress. Her hair is stuffed in paper shower cap. She looks anxious. In a bed next to her an older girl is being affectionate with her visiting boyfriend. A Nurse comes in with an IV. NURSE This is going to prick a little. She sticks the needle into Stacy's hand. Stacy looks pained but doesn't yell. The Nurse pats the rolling bed. NURSE (CONT'D) Now scoot over here. Stacy moves onto it. Looking up from her point of view, we see the ride out of the room and into: INT. OPERATING ROOM Stacy gets wheeled in. The Doctor looks down at her. DOCTOR Hello, Stacy, I'm Doctor Bartell. Stacy moves onto the operating table as the Nurse and Doctor get ready. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Any questions before we begin? STACY This is going to hurt, isn't it? DOCTOR We'll use a local but you'll feel some pressure. It doesn't last that long. STACY Does it hurt more to have a baby? The Doctor pauses and considers her question. DOCTOR Yes... but I think you mind it less. Stacy looks up at the lights and listens to the sound of suction tubes. INT. B.C. WAITING AREA The other girl and Stacy sit at a table eating toast and jelly. The girl is reading. The Nurse enters. NURSE How are we doing in here? Debbie, ready to leave? The girl nods and gets up. NURSE (CONT'D) Right through here. Stacy, I can't let you go unless you have a ride home. STACY Uh, my boyfriend said held be waiting downstairs. The Nurse studies her, decides she's telling the truth and allows her to leave. EXT. ENTRANCE TO THE FREE CLINIC Stacy walks back out into the sunlight, slowly and weakly. She is surprised and amazed at who she sees standing outside, waiting for her. ANGLE ON BRAD HAMILTON He stands, hands on hips, just outside the door. STACY Brad! He puts an arm around her and leads her toward his waiting car. BRAD Since when do you shop at the Flea Market anyway? STACY Brad. Please don't tell Mom and Dad... He helps her into the cruising vessel. He starts up the car and drives off. BRAD Who did it? Stacy stares out the window. Tears well in her eyes. BRAD (CONT'D) You're not going to tell me, are you? STACY No. BRAD All right, then. It's your secret. Stacy smiles at Brad. Brad smiles back. The car drives on. INT. LINDA'S ROOM - NIGHT Stacy is in Linda's room, sitting on her bed. Her eyes are red and moist from crying. Linda listens to her story. STACY I really thought he would show up. I waited... and waited... and waited... LINDA That little prick. STACY Then I called his house, and his mother told me he was in the garage helping his father. LINDA That little prick. STACY I paid for it and everything. LINDA There goes your stereo for another year. Mike Damone is a no-brain little prick. I'm not letting him get away with this. STACY Don't do anything, Linda. I'd rather just forget about it. I don't even like the guy. LINDA Stacy, he's not a guy. (loud) He's a little prick! Stacy lies back on the bed. EXT. DAMONE HOUSE - MORNING The front door to the Damone house opens, and out walks Mike Damone carrying some books. He looks troubled, burdened, and stares down at the walkway as he moves towards his car. He walks around, starts to pen the car door, then he sees it. There, in white spray paint across the driver's door, is the message: PRICK. DAMONE Shhhhhhhhhit. He looks both ways, and starts back towards the house. EXT. DAMONE CAR Mike Damone travels down Ridgemont Drive, making the turn into the school parking lot. There is a large cardboard panel taped on the side of his car. EXT. DAMONE'S LOCKER He arrives at his locker, where, in white spray paint, there is another message: LITTLE PRICK. Several girls walk by, they laugh knowingly. GIRL #1 Hi, Mike! GIRL #2 Hi, mike! Damone backs up against the locker, with a sick smile on his face. DAMONE Hi... girls. More students pass, looking strangely at the young man pinned against his own locker. EXT. BOY'S LOCKER ROOM - AFTERNOON Damone exits the boys locker room. Just as he does, he is accosted by The Rat. We have never quite heard this tone in The Rat's voice before. THE RAT Damone? What happened between you and Stacy? Damone feigns The Attitude, shakes his head. Damone sighs. DAMONE Let me tell you something, Rat. Sometimes girls just go haywire. It was a month ago, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you ever since. We started messing around and... (shrugs) ... something happened. It's all over with. It's no big deal. I never called her again. The Rat says nothing. DAMONE (CONT'D) If you ask me, she's pretty aggressive. You understand what I'm saying? THE RAT No Damone. I don't understand. DAMONE She wasn't really your girlfriend anyway. THE RAT Hey fuck you Damone. There's a lot of girls out there and you mess around with Stacy. What have you got to prove? DAMONE Jesus. I'm sorry. THE RAT I always stick up for you. Whenever people say 'Aw, that Damone is a loudmouth' -- and they say that a lot -- I say 'You just don't know Damone.' When someone says you're an idiot, I tell them 'Damone's not an idiot. You just don't know him.' Well, you know, Damone, maybe they do know you pretty good. And I'm just finding out. DAMONE Fine. Get lost. Damone starts to push past him, but The Rat shoves his shoulder hard. DAMONE (CONT'D) All right, Rat. You want to do something about it? Damone begins the classic high school fighting ritual. He throws his books down. He takes a step back. He goes into a crouch. He gestures towards himself. Then Damone says the universally recognized high school fighting words. DAMONE (CONT'D) Well come on. The Rat shows no fear. As other kids begin to crowd around the two boys, Rat throws his own books down. He takes a step back, goes into the crouch. He gestures toward himself. THE RAT You come on. They stand there, gesturing, neither one of them wanting to make the first move. DAMONE No. You come on, you wuss. Assistant Coach Mr. Sexton comes running out of the boy's locker room, and steps in front of the two boys. SEXTON Hey! Knock this crap off!! The Rat stalks off, disappearing into the crowd of onlookers. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT DRIVE - NIGHT The Ridgemont Drive strip is filled with cars, cruising for parties. There is a lot of honking, and yelling out windows. Everyone is headed towards the beach. We stay on a lowly 7-11 store near the freeway entrance. EXT. 7-11 STORE - NIGHT A yellow Firebird slowly, menacingly cruises the empty parking lot. It does not stop. Then, around the corner, walks Jeff Spicoli. We see him in the neon 7-11 light, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of baggy jeans. He walks inside the store. He is the only shopper. INT. 7-11 STORE Brad Hamilton stands behind the counter in a red and white striped shirt and cap, making fresh coffee. Jeff Spicoli trudges up to the counter. He looks at Brad. Brad looks at Spicoli. There is an unspoken edge between them. SPICOLI Hey, mon, can I use the bathroom? Brad squints his eyes, looks at the sign on the back room door. ANGLE ON sign which reads: Rest Room For Employees Only. BRAD Go ahead. Just make it quick. SPICOLI Totally. BRAD It's the first door on your left. Spicoli disappears into the back room. Brad sighs, looks at the clock. It reads: 11:15. Then he hears Spicoli from the back room. SPICOLI (O.S.) I can't find it, mon! BRAD It's the first door on your left! SPICOLI (O.S.) On the ledge? BRAD First door on your left! SPICOLI (O.S.) There it is! Brad sighs again. He loads a new filter into the coffee maker. EXT./INT. 7-11 STORE A moment later, the yellow Firebird pulls into the 7-11 parking lot. A man in a windbreaker comes hurtling out of the car, into the store. He spray paints the scanning camera above the door. He hustles up to the counter, produces a .45 Magnum and points it chest high at Brad. There is a glazed and nervous speedy edge to his voice. ROBBER I want money. And I want it all -- now. Brad looks pale and young under the fluorescent 7 11 light. He speaks slowly. BRAD They empty and close the big safe here at midnight. ROBBER (getting tougher) I know this store. I know where the safe is. He bangs the gun on the counter, hard. ROBBER (CONT'D) Over there behind the donut case. Now move! Brad slowly moves to the donut case, like a zombie. BRAD I'm instructed to tell you that we are on a video alarm system and there are other hidden cameras in the store ... ROBBER Just give me the money. Move it. BRAD Okay. (legs are shaking) I just started here, and they just taught me the procedure. I'll give you the money, just let me figure this out. ROBBER (very menacing) Move it. Move it. Brad opens the phony back of the donut case and fiddles with the strongbox combination. ROBBER (CONT'D) (more menacing) Let's go, stupid. Brad looks at the gunman. BRAD You motherfucker. Get off my fuckin' case. The Robber is about to react when the bathroom door opens and Jeff Spicoli starts out, wiping his hands on his pants. SPICOLI No towels, mon... The Robber turns to look at Spicoli, and that is all that Brad Hamilton needs. Just like it is the most natural thing in the world, Brad reaches for the hot, steaming coffee pot he has just made and throws it into the gunman's face and hands. ROBBER Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!!! The .45 falls out of his hand and rattles to the floor. The gunman is still grabbing his face, and looking at his skinless hands in horror when Brad snaps up the gun. In the parking lot, the gunman's accomplice, poised behind the wheel of the yellow Firebird, spots the foul-up and screeches out of the parking lot. BRAD There goes your ride home. Brad pulls the under-counter alarm with newfound confidence. Jeff Spicoli stands there, mesmerized at the entire event. SPICOLI Awesome. Totally awesome. EXT. RIDGEMONT MALL - NIGHT Kids are pouring into the Ridgemont mall. Summer banners are already up. INT. THE MALL - NIGHT In the midst of all the kids and shoppers, we see The Rat walking slowly down the promenade. He is wearing an Army surplus jacket, and his hands are buried deep in his pockets. Two girls pass his way. One smiles briefly at him, and The Rat turns to watch her pass. He is about to say something to her, then no. He walks on, sees Swenson's Ice-Cream Parlor up ahead. The Rat decides to walk the other way. INT. SWENSON'S - NIGHT The place is busy again, filled with shoppers and teenagers in summer-type clothing. We see Stacy Hamilton, once again, at the cash register wearing an Assistant manager name tag and a hostess gown. She handles a customer's bill, then stands there a moment, looking glum. Linda Barrett approaches. STACY Another summer of working at Swenson's. LINDA Come on. There's lots of men around here. Keep your eyes open. STACY You know, Linda. I've finally figured it out. It's not sex I want. Anyone can have sex. LINDA What do you want? STACY I want romance. LINDA Romance in Ridgemont? We don't even get cable TV. ANGLE ON the back kitchen door, which swings open, and out comes Mike Damone in a peppermint Swenson's shirt. He wipes some grime on his pants. STACY Mike! You have a mess on C-9! DAMONE All right. All right. I just cleaned B-8. Give me a break. STACY Get going. The two girls smile, go back to their posts. INT. JEFF SPICOLI'S ROOM - NIGHT Jeff Spicoli sits in his room, and it is his castle. Clothes lie in disarray on the floor. A huge half-waxed surfboard is propped against the window. We see Spicoli dressed in a too large white short-sleeved shirt, attempting to tie his father's fat paisley tie. He stops to take a hit from his bong, all the while talking on the phone. The music of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" plays on the radio. SPICOLI I... am... so... wasted, mon. What is in this shit? (pause) Doesn't that stuff cause brain damage? (pause) Bitchin'. Spicoli listens for a moment. He rubs his eyes, shakes his head. He is really buzzed. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Hey, mon, I am going to Mexico as soon as school is out. Two more weeks, bud. Week from Wednesday. (pause) I am gonna take both boards, my duck feet, many cases of beer, and just jam. (pause) No, mon, from school. I'm leaving as soon as school gets out. I'll be at Sunset Cliffs by nighttime. (pause) Totally. (pause) Later. Spicoli hangs up, and concentrates on tying his tie. He almost strangles himself. Then suddenly the door to his room flies open and Spicoli's little brother Curtis bursts in. CURTIS Jeff you have company! SPICOLI Go away, Curtis. If you can't knock, I can't hear you. Curtis slams the door and leaves. A moment later there is a knock. SPICOLI (CONT'D) That's better. Come in. The door swings open and Jeff Spicoli sits in stoned shock at the sight before him. There, standing in the doorway of his room is Mr. Hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Mr... Mr. Hand. MR. HAND That's right, Jeff. Mind if I come in? Spicoli can only nod. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (calling downstairs) Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Spicoli. Hand walks into Spicoli's room, takes off his suit jacket and lays it on the chair back. He stops a moment and catches the stare of Miss January Penthouse on the wall, then turns to Spicoli. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Were you going somewhere tonight, Jeff? SPICOLI Yeah. The Graduation Dance Mr. Hand. It's the last school event of the year. MR. HAND I'm afraid we've got some things to discuss here, Jeff. SPICOLI Did I do something wrong, Mr. Hand? Hand removes several copies of Oui Magazine from another chair and sits down. He sets his briefcase on Spicoli's dresser, next to a bag of pot, and opens it up for easy access. MR. HAND Do you want to sit there, Jeff? SPICOLI I don't know. I guess so. MR. HAND Fine. You sit right here on your bed. I'll use the chair here. (pause) As I explained to your parents just a moment ago, and to you many times since the very beginning of the school year -- I don't like to spend my time waiting for late students, or detention cases. I'd rather be preparing the lesson. Mr. Hand takes a sheet from his briefcase and looks at it. MR. HAND (CONT'D) According to my calculations, Mr. Spicoli, you wasted a total of eight hours of my time this year. And rest assured that is a kind estimate. He returns the sheet to his case and looks into Spicoli's weed-ravaged eyes. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Now, Mr. Spicoli, comes a rare moment for me. Now I have the unique pleasure of squaring our account. Tonight, you and I are going to talk in great detail about the Davis Agreement, all the associated treaties, and the American Revolution in particular. Now if you can just turn to Chapter 47 of Lord of Truth And Liberty. SPICOLI Hey, it's in my locker, Mr. Hand. MR. HAND Well, then, I'm glad I remembered to bring an extra copy just for you. Hand reaches in his case and produces the book. He hands it to Spicoli. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SPICOLI'S ROOM - HOURS LATER Wearily, Spicoli is trying to grasp the material. SPICOLI ... so, like, when Jefferson went before the people what he was saying was 'Hey, we left this place in England because it was bogus, and if we don't come up with some cool rules ourself, we'll be bogus, too!' Right? ANGLE ON MR. HAND who nods his head. MR. HAND Very close, Jeff. Hand reaches over and gets his case. MR. HAND (CONT'D) I think I've made my point with you tonight. SPICOLI Hey, Mr. Hand, can I ask you a question? MR. HAND What's that? SPICOLI Do you have a guy like me every year? A guy to... I don't know, make a show of. Teach other kids lessons and stuff? MR. HAND Well, you'll find out next year. SPICOLI (smiling) No way, mon. When I graduate U.S. history I ain't even coming over to your side of the building. MR. HAND If you graduate. SPICOLI (panicked) You're gonna flunk me?! Mr. Hand pauses a moment, then breaks into the nearest approximation of a grin we have seen all year. It isn't much, but it's noticeable. His lips crinkle at the ends. MR. HAND Don't worry, Spicoli. You'll probably squeak by. SPICOLI All right! Oh, yeah! Mr. Hand has now gathered all his material, and he stands to approach Spicoli's door. Jeff jumps up, extends his hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Aloha, Mr. Hand! MR. HAND Aloha, Spicoli. Mr. Hand exits the room, and descends the staircase of the Spicoli household. Spicoli kicks the door shut, grins, and continues struggling with his tie. INT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM - NIGHT Tight angle on the emotion-filled face of the lead singer in a cheesy high school band called the T Birds. He is bathed in a blue light, singing the last verse of The Eagles' 'Take It To The Limit'. We pull back to reveal a large, clumsy banner reading: LAST DANCE. Students are pouring into the gym for this event. Many have brought their annual yearbooks. On stage, the lead singer snaps his fingers and the band goes into Nick Lowe's 'Heart of the City'. Some students start to dance. Every one of our characters is either here, or about to arrive. From Charles Jefferson to Spicoli to Mr. Hand. For once, all classes are partying together. But, just as in the beginning of the year on lunch court, the kids are still cordoned off into their distinctive cliques. ANGLE ON MORE STUDENTS ARRIVING at the Last Dance. They see Mr. Hand signing annuals by the door. They all say the same thing as they pass, "Aloha, Mr. Hand". He nods in return. ANGLE ON STACY surveying the growing mob of annual-crazed students. From behind her comes Linda Barrett in a low-cut black dress. STACY Where's Doug? LINDA He's not coming. STACY Not coming? What happened? LINDA He says he's got to stay in Chicago. (sighs) He says I should visit him sometimes. STACY Sometime? LINDA Yeah, like maybe never. STACY But what are you going to do? LINDA Well I might go to Dartmouth. STACY Dartmouth?! LINDA I didn't tell anyone I applied cause I never thought I'd make it. STACY I can't believe it! But what about Doug? LINDA (STOIC) There's a world of guys out there. I just wish I didn't have to date any of them. STACY Hey -- Doug Stallworth? It's his loss. ANGLE ON MIKE DAMONE in another part of the dance, by the Junior class sponsored food counter. Damone is standing, talking to several girls, gesturing and being Damone, Mr. Attitude. DAMONE Sign my annual, honey. The girls look at each other, laugh. They walk away. ANGLE ON THE RAT standing nearby. THE RAT You're losing it, Damone. DAMONE You're crazy. Those girls love me. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI sprawled out in the bleachers with his surfer stoner buddies. He turns to one admiring stoner (Todd). SPICOLI Hey, mon. Sign my annual. Spicoli slips the annual into the kid's crotch. The stoner winces in pain, but still opens the book and lingers on all the signings in Spicoli's annual. They are all drug-related messages from fellow stoners. After a moment, Spicoli's friend signs: "Thanks for the reds. Todd." TODD Hey, mon, good thing we're going to Mexico this summer. 'Cause you're gonna get kicked out of your house when your parents read your annual. INT. GYMNASIUM - ANGLE ON DOOR Brad Hamilton pushes both doors open, and makes his entrance into the Last Dance. There is a lot of activity going on, but all nearby eyes turn to Brad as he walks into the dance. Fifteen kids immediately gravitate towards him. They all want Brad to sign their annuals, to talk about the 7-11 incident. Onstage, the T-Birds play the Beatles' "It Won't Be Long". We see Brad's old girlfriend Lisa push up to him. Her new jock boyfriend holds a protective arm around her. LISA I saw your picture in the paper. You had the greatest look on your face! ANOTHER STUDENT Front of the Metro Section. I'm telling my parents, 'I know this guy, I know this guy.' Lisa's boyfriend pulls his arm tighter around her. LISA Will you sign my annual, Brad? Brad smiles, nods. He signs, and gives her his. We then see Brad's three Buddies from Carl's Jr. come up, pat him on the back and grab his shoulder. Brad studies them warily. BUDDY #1 Fuckin' manager of 7-11! BUDDY #2 Get us jobs over there, Brad! You can do it! BRAD Since when do you guys want to work at 7-11? BUDDY #2 Come on, Brad! It would be great! All of us together! BRAD Well, 7-11 is a tremendous operation. It's really changed, man. They've got great food, great magazines, videogames... it's class. Total class. BUDDY #3 As soon as you can get us in there, we're gone from Carl's, Brad. BUDDY #2 Yeah, man, all the little punks from junior high have taken over the place. Brad leaves his old buddies. He grins and notices someone across the crowded dance floor. BRAD Hey, Thompson! Wendell! Get a job! They laugh, flip him off. Brad is back in his element at last. He moves into the main dancing area, works his way across the room, past the bleachers, when he hears a voice. SPICOLI (O.S.) Hamilton! Brad turns around, seen Spicoli sitting on the bottom rung of the bleachers. Spicoli looks back with true respect. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Awesome. He throws Brad his annual. Brad gives him his. They sign. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Easy, mon. BRAD Later. ANGLE ON THE BLEACHERS where several couples are passionately making out. Four teachers clomp up into the stands from different angles. They pin the couples in flashlight beams, like the main tower pinning an escaping prisoner. ANGLE ON THE T-BIRDS onstage, singing the Rolling Stones' "I'm Free". EXT. GYNMASIUM - NIGHT We see Jeff Spicoli leave the dance and come backing down the stairs with a stoner bud. His fist is in the air. SPICOLI Summer, mon! We're there! He turns to his stoner bud. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Let's roll, my man. Spicoli backs right into a young buzz-cut kid. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Hey, bud! Watch yourselff Spicoli turns around to see he's backed into a squad of eight Lincoln Surf Nazis. They are all standing on the steps, waiting. SURF NAZI Are you Jeff Spicoli? Spicoli looks up and down the row of Surf Nazis. On the end, he sees L.C. L.C. That's him! He did it! SPICOLI Hey, mon, I don't know what your trip is, but... Spicoli dashes off down Luna Street. L.C. and the Surf Nazis take out in hot pursuit, chasing him through the parking lot, past Ridgemont High, and into the night. They will never catch him. SLOW DISSOLVE: INT. RIDGEMONT MALL School is out and it's summer business as usual at the Ridgemont Mall. We see the same stores, the same packs of kids roaming the three tiers. ANGLE ON MARK RATNER who stands against the railing in his Cinema Four jacket, gazing across the mall at Swenson's Ice Cream Parlor. He sees Stacy walk two girlfriends to the outdoor front tables, and almost look his way. The Rat turns away suddenly. Then he hears her calling out after him. STACY Hey Mark! Turn around! Ratner turns around, affects total and complete cool. He waves across the mall to her. STACY (CONT'D) Come over here! He looks back at his post at the theatre, decides it's okay to step away. He walks across the mall. INT. SWENSON'S Stacy is standing by the sundae bar. Next to her are two empty stools. After a moment, we see The Rat plop onto one of the metal stools. He pounds the seat next to him with the palm of his hand. THE RAT You. Sit. Stacy turns to look at him, smiles. She sits. STACY Hi, Mark. THE RAT Hi, Stacy. How are you? STACY I'm fine. Mark, I'm so glad you came over here because I want you to know something. I just thought I would tell you that I really enjoyed getting to know you this year. The Rat maintains The Attitude. THE RAT Yeah? About fifty people I didn't know wrote that in my annual. STACY I know everybody says it, but I really mean it. The Rat looks at her from the corner of his eyes. THE RAT Really? STACY Yeah. I want you to have this picture, so you won't forget what I look like. And so you'll remember to call me over the summer. She withdraws a picture from her pocket, hands it to The Rat. THE RAT Well, I don't know, I may be doing some traveling this summer. I don't know how much I'll be around... (breaks down, takes picture) But I'll give you a call sometime. STACY I'd like that. She gives him a kiss on the mouth, gets up and walks away. The Rat sits there, smiling at the way things sometimes turn out. He slips the picture into his pocket, a satisfied young man. INT./EXT. SWENSON'S AND MALL The Rat is joined by Mike Damone, who has changed into his street clothes. DAMONE She wants it, Rat. The Rat snickers, shakes his head. DAMONE (CONT'D) I saw you. You had pure Attitude. The Rat turns to look at his friend. THE RAT The Attitude, Damone, is only good until you meet the right girl. DAMONE Whatever you say, Rat. They take off together, blending into the crowd of kids walking the mall. THE RAT And... you can only tell it's the right girl if you're sensitive. DAMONE Sensitive -- what is that? THE RAT Sensitive is when you can tell how people feel without asking. DAMONE So what makes you so sensitive? THE RAT Well, for one, I read. I don't watch as much television as you. I'm trying to feel things more. I'm learning a lot about people. DAMONE What do you read? What's the last book you read? THE RAT Lust For Life. It's the story of Vincent Van Gough. DAMONE (scoffs) Yeah, well, I saw the movie. That must mean I'm sensitive too. THE RAT It's a way, Damone. It's a vibe. I put it out, and I have personally found that girls do respond. Damone laughs, shoves him hard. We lose sight of the two boys in the sea of kids. A SERIES OF ANGLES of Ridgemont Center Mall with music. CREDITS FADE TO BLACK THE END
"FATAL INSTINCT" Screenplay by David O'Malley SHOOTING DRAFT FADE IN ON: EXT. SANTA MONICA PIER - NIGHT The sultry dampness of a blistering summer hangs in the night air. People stroll the boardwalk looking for a cool breeze. The soft rhythms of a jazz concert float from the band shell. CLOSE SHOT - A PAIR OF SEXY HIGH HEELS and a woman's shapely legs, walking along the wooden pier. OPENING TITLES & CREDITS OVER. After several steps, a discarded piece of gum sticks to one of her shoes, stretching out stickily. Two steps later, a piece of paper sticks to the gum, flopping awkwardly with each step. The MOVING CAMERA PANS UP her gorgeous legs and sensuous body. She wears a loose summer dress that floats like gossamer around her soft curves. Her hair is long and blond. NED (V.O.) To some guys, women are like a cheap puzzle... with pieces that just don't fit. They think the soul of a woman is darker than a back alley... more tangled than a telephone cord... and colder than a Klondike Bar in Canada. But those guys don't even have a clue. She stops at the railing. We see an incredibly beautiful face and cool, alluring eyes. This is LOLA CAIN. The term "femme fatale" was coined for her. She's on display... and knows it. NED (V.O.) When you know women the way I do, you understand exactly what what makes them tick... what makes them hum... what makes them jiggle up and down when they walk. And it's not the kind of thing you can learn from a correspondence course. The CAMERA MOVES with her as she walks on, passing TWO MEN whose eyes are glued to her. We HOLD ON THEM. One is NED RAVINE, in his thirties, stalwart, handsome, hair trimmed neatly, but with a feel of loose ends about him... coat slung over his shoulder, sleeves rolled up, the sweat dampening his shirt. He's a cop. A plain clothes detective who's been around the block a few times and still gets lost. Next to him is ARCH, his partner. Older, if not in years, at least in mileage. Dependable, solid, with no great aspirations except to reach the end of a shift intact. He's eating Nachos from a cardboard container, licking the cheese off his fingers. The CAMERA PUSHES IN to NED. His eyes are fixed on Lola. ANGLE - LOLA - NED'S POV She walks to the other side of the pier... as more paper sticks to the gum on her shoe. She stands at the railing. NED (V.O.) There are two kinds of women in this world... and I've known 'em both. ANGLE - ARCH Arch heaves an exasperated sigh and looks toward Ned. The CAMERA PULLS BACK to INCLUDE NED. It isn't "voice-over" narration at all. Ned is actually talking out loud. NED (V.O.) One will take you for a fast ride on a bumpy road with no seat belt. But the other kind... ARCH (interrupts) Jeez... knock off the chatter, will ya. NED Just trying to keep you awake, Arch. ARCH I'm awake! Where do you come up with all that crap about women? NED It's true. Women are very complex, but if you know how to read 'em... they're an open book. You can always tell the rotten apples from the peaches. ARCH Are you kiddin'? NED I'd stake my career on it. Anybody ever proves me wrong, I'll throw away my badge. ARCH Aayyhh... women are trouble... NED I used to believe that too. Until I married Lana. Now, she... is a peach. ARCH Yeah, well you're a lucky stiff, pal. Ya hold down two jobs. Got a beautiful wife waitin' for ya at home. Everything a guy could ever want, including NO kids. NED I'd love to have kids. ARCH What?! Rug-rats? Give me a break! (looks around) Jeez, I hate stakeouts. What makes you think Milo's gonna show up here? NED Logic. He knocked off all those banks. He's got cash. He's gonna want to spend it. This is one of the few places that still takes cash. Sooner or later... he's gotta turn up. ARCH And how we s'posed to recognize this scumbag? NED The "Support Hose Bandit"? When you see him... you'll know him. In the b.g., MILO CRUMLEY, the "Support Hose Bandit", ambles by casually, unnoticed, sucking on a cherry Snow-Cone through the panty-hose pulled down over his head. ARCH These are the best damn Nachos in North America. Maybe the world! He pops the last chip in his mouth, licks his fingers and turns the container over. ARCH I'm empty. I'm gonna get a refill. You want some? Ned shakes his head. Arch heads off to the Nacho stand. Ned steps over to the railing... gazes out at the ocean. A SAXOPHONE begins to wail a scorching, romantic melody... a recurrent tune that will come to be known as LOLA'S THEME. A beat later... Lola moves to Ned's side at the railing. He tries to ignore her presence, peering into the darkness. Lola digs in her purse for a pack of cigarettes. LOLA Got a light? NED Sure. Ned pulls out a small flashlight, shines it in her purse. She pulls a cigarette out of the pack, puts it to her lips... her eyes on Ned, sizing him up. LOLA How about a match? NED No thanks. I have plenty. He pulls out a handful of matchbooks, shows her, then stuffs them back in his pocket. He turns and walks along the pier. She falls into step beside him, lighting her own cigarette. A saxophone player named DIZZY follows behind them, continuing to play. He's the actual source of the romantic THEME MUSIC we've been hearing. LOLA You really are incredibly stupid, aren't you? I like that in a man. NED I'd be insulted, but I know you're serious. LOLA You sound so sure of yourself. NED I'm not as dumb as I look. LOLA Let me buy you a drink, Mr. uh... NED Ravine. Ned Ravine. And you are...? LOLA Thirsty. What about that drink? NED I'm on duty. LOLA Brain surgeon? NED Cop. LOLA Oooo... and I bet you have a big gun. NED You lose. Lola looks toward a nearby hot dog vendor. LOLA If I can't buy you a drink... (nods toward vendor) ...let me buy you one of those. NED Who can say no to a weiner? LOLA Not me. Lola turns to the hot dog VENDOR, raising two fingers. LOLA Two dogs. Hot. She takes them... hands one to Ned. He picks up the plastic mustard container to put mustard on her hot dog first. NED You come here often? LOLA Only when I'm in heat. Ned REACTS to this, squeezing the container. A stream of mustard squirts out, hitting the front of Lola's dress. NED Oh! Sorry. Flustered, he stuffs his hot dog into his inside jacket pocket, then tries to wipe the mustard off Lola's dress, smearing it all over her, making it worse. She watches him with a cool, detached gaze as he fumbles ingenuously. Suddenly, Ned stops, looking off. He sees... Milo Crumley going into the PUBLIC RESTROOM. Ned starts to leave. Lola grabs his hand, holding it tightly against her breast. LOLA Where ya going? NED Get something to wipe it off. LOLA That's okay. You're doing just fine. NED I'll get you a wet paper towel. He heads for the men's room... signaling to Arch, who's waiting in line at the Nacho stand. Arch motions at the long line... all UNIFORMED COPS... shrugging helplessly. INT. MEN'S ROOM ON PIER - NIGHT Several MEN are at the urinals. Milo, still wearing the panty hose over his head, washes his face at the sink. He looks up, sees Ned enter. Ned sees Milo... reacts, pulling the frankfurter out of his pocket and pointing it. NED Hold it right there, Milo! The Men turn, seeing Ned pointing the frankfurter. RESTROOM PATRON Look out! He's got a weenie! Milo bolts, slamming into Ned, knocking him back through the door of a stall, into the lap of the MAN inside. EXT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Milo bursts out, colliding with Arch. They both go down in a flurry of Nacho chips and cheese. Arch helps Milo to his feet, apologizing profusely... picking up the gun that Milo dropped, handing it back to him. Milo sprints off down the pier. A beat later, Ned bursts out the door... dashing after Milo. ANGLE - ALONG THE PIER Milo runs frantically, knocking people aside! He ducks into... INT. BUMPER CAR PAVILION - NIGHT ...and drags a FLUSTERED MAN out of a bumper car, jumps in, and speeds away! A beat later, Ned runs up, followed by Arch. Ned flashes his badge at a FRECKLE-FACED KID in one of the bumper cars. NED Police emergency! I need your car! He pulls the kid out, jumps in, slaps a portable FLASHING RED LIGHT on the dashboard... then speeds off after Milo, a SIREN WAILING! He zig-zags through the crush of other bumper cars in the pavilion. Ned's bumper car catches up with Milo, pulling alongside. Milo turns the wheel, RAMMING Ned! Ned RAMS him back, both bumper cars swerving violently... spraying SPARKS! Ned SLAMS Milo's car again! Milo loses control, spins out and SMASHES into the pavillion railing! Ned swerves to avoid a collision, but RAMS into two other bumper cars, wrenching to a grinding halt. A BEAT. The AIRBAG inflates in his bumper car. Arch runs up as Ned pulls himself from the wreckage. They turn to see Milo leap from his mangled bumper car, leap over the pavillion railing and dash down the pier and into an alley between two buildings. A sign on the building says: DEAD END ALLEY. Ned and Arch eye each other, shake their heads, and follow after Milo. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. IN THE ALLEY Milo runs into a tall chain link fence at the end of the alley and scrambles up the wire mesh. Suddenly, Ned's hand shoots out, grabs Milo's ankle, yanking him down hard. Milo jumps to his feet, swinging at Ned, who catches Milo's fist with his hand, stopping it cold... neatly snapping a handcuff on his wrist. He shoves Milo's arm against the fence and snaps the other cuff to the chainlink. A SWITCHBLADE flashes out of Milo's other hand with a sharp CLICK! Milo slashes the blade at Ned, just missing his face. On the backswing, Ned parries with his own switchblade and flips Milo's knife away. Milo pulls a .45 Calibre REVOLVER with his free hand! Ned shoves his finger into the end of the barrel. Milo looks surprised... then sneers, clicking the hammer back. NED You take science in high school, Milo? MILO I skipped high school, cop! NED Then you're probably not familiar with the theory of inverse proportionate explosive dynamics. MILO What about it? NED If you fire a weapon with the barrel obstructed, the explosive force multiplies by twenty-three point five nine eight and reverses on itself with diametric polarity? MILO Yeah. So? NED The gun will blow up in your hand... and it won't even scorch my pinkie. MILO Ha! That's just theoretical hypothesis. Inverse proportionate explosive dynamics has never been demonstrated conclusively in a laboratory environment. NED Oh yeah. Then pull the trigger, smart guy. Let's find out. Milo hesitates, unsure. Finally, he releases the gun. Ned raises it up on the end of his finger. Arch pulls it off with a loud POP! Ned cuffs Milo's hands behind him... spins him around. NED You have the right to remain silent... next... if you waive that right, anything you say... next... REVEAL ARCH holding up a series of "cue cards"... as Ned reads from them. NED ...may be used against you in a court of law... next... You have the right to an attorney... Do you have an attorney? MILO Nahhhh! NED Then today's your lucky day... He flips out a business card, handing it to Milo. ANGLE - THE BUSINESS CARD It reads... "Ned Ravine - Defense Attorney" EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DAWN Large. Expensive. Impressive. The name on the mailbox reads "Ned and Lana Ravine." We begin to HEAR the O.S. SOUND of passionate lovemaking! OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOUSE - DAWN The CAMERA MOVES up the stairs, into the bedroom. Still O.S., we hear more heavy breathing... urgent whispers... lust... passion... squeaky bedsprings! A trail of clothes is scattered before us on the way to the bed... shoes, a dress, slip, bra, nylons, panties... greasy coveralls with a "Frank Kelbo - Mobile Mechanic" namepatch, dirty work boots, a wrench and a gigantic grease gun... The bed shakes violently. A female VOICE calls the shots as various tools drop to the floor. LANA (O.S.) Oh yes, Frank! Adjust the stroke by ten percent! That's it. (CLUNK! A wrench) Now tweak my points. Oh yes, oh yes! (THUNK! Pliers) You got it! Stabilize your ball joints and grind my rear differential! (CLINK! Screwdriver) Now accelerate! Floor it! Lay rubber, baby! VRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM! A beat. The LIGHT clicks ON. LANA; a sexy redhead with a cool, manipulative edge, and FRANK; a slick, smarmy Lothario, lay under the sheets, panting, glistening with sweat. Lana reaches for a pack of "Fatal 100's" on the bedside table. LANA Not bad for an auto mechanic... FRANK (grins, cocky) Yeah, well you're not so bad yourself... for a lawyer's wife... LANA Better watch your tongue, sweetie, or I'll have my husband arrest you. FRANK Busy man. Cop and a lawyer. When does he ever find time for you? She lights a cigarette... exhales a soft, gloomy cloud. LANA He doesn't. That's why I need you to keep my engine tuned, Frank. Why drive a jalopy when you can have a hot rod? FRANK Maybe you should trade him in on a new model. LANA I would... if I could make any money on the deal. FRANK (reaches for her) Want to go for another test drive? The SOUND of an automobile engine outside. Lana stops him. LANA Pull over and park it, Frank. I'm still under warranty. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Ned glances at the white van parked in the driveway, then takes note of his wife's silver Mercedes... sitting on floor jacks, the hood raised, tools spread out around it. INT. HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - MORNING Ned enters. Lana wears a diaphanous dressing gown, buttoned unevenly, hair disheveled. She smokes a cigarette. NED Morning sweetheart. Ned kisses her on the back of the neck as he passes through the kitchen on his way to the dining room. She reacts with bored, contemptuous disinterest, picking up the coffee pot. LANA Uh huh. Want some coffee? Ned steps back into the kitchen with his briefcase. NED No thanks. Ned sees Frank sitting at the kitchen table, hair messed up, coveralls hastily pulled on inside-out. Frank is reading a copy of INSURANCE DIGEST magazine. A headline on the cover touts an article: "LIFE INSURANCE FOR YOUR CAT!... Cover All Nine Lives For The Price of One!" Ned's smile fades. LANA Frank here was just grabbing a little before going back to work on my car. He steps over to the table... gives Frank a cool stare. NED How long you been working on Lana's Mercedes, Frank? FRANK (shrugs) Oh... I don't know... six, seven weeks. NED And ya still haven't found the problem? FRANK (a leering smile) Think I got my finger on it though. Ned turns to Lana. NED I know what he's doing, Lana. I wasn't born yesterday. He's not fixing your car. He's SCREWING you! Lana tenses up at this. Frank freezes. He figures they've been busted. He sits there, holding the magazine, not moving a muscle... as Ned turns on him. NED YOU are screwing my wife! I can see what your game is, Frank. You open up her hood, poke around in there... squirt some lubrication in... play around with all her parts... then take an old used piston and stick it in... then pull it out... in, out, in, out! Every day! There's no end to it. You just keep coming and COMING!... and the bill just gets bigger and BIGGER! Lana braces herself against the sink, breathless... turned on by Ned's description. Ned goes to her, sympathetic. NED But you don't see it, do you, Lana? You're too good... too pure. You can't see the evil in people like him. (turns to Frank) Well, you're not getting away with it, pal. I'm pulling the plug! You're fired! LANA (breathless) Ned... don't you have to be somewhere? NED (checks his watch) Oh... yeah. Thanks, honey. I'm late for court. He goes to kiss her mouth and she turns her cheek to him. He looks at her lovingly... touches her face tenderly. NED You are so naive. He picks up his briefcase, gives Frank a nasty look, then exits thru the back door. Lana and Frank stare at each other lustfully, really hot now! Frank sweeps the dishes off the table with his arm. Lana leaps into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. He lays her down on the kitchen table, standing over her. Suddenly, Ned opens the back door, glaring right at Frank... not even noticing Lana on the table. NED Finish your coffee... then GET OUT! He slams the door. A beat. Lana and Frank begin to devour each other with passionate kisses. Another beat. The front doorbell RINGS once... then again. FRANK Who's that? LANA Just the postman. He always rings twice. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY Richly appointed with stately oak, walls lined with law books. As in all "Noir" thrillers, venetian blinds cast dramatic slashes of light and ceiling fans turn lazily in every room. Ned hurries in, rummaging through the files on his desk. LAURA, a strikingly lovely brunette, enters from the outer office, files in hand. She is Ned's astute, dedicated, self- sacrificing "girl-friday" and legal secretary. She keeps his life from spinning crazily apart. She absolutely adores him. NED Laura... do you know where...? LAURA (hands him file) Right here. The judge decided to skip arraignment and take Milo direct to trial. You're six minutes late, but don't sweat it. You got Judge Allen. He's always eleven minutes late. She picks up a lawbook, flips it open to a dog-eared page. LAURA I suggest you try Lemming versus Florida, 1956... where the guy jumped in the water and everybody followed. NED (thinks about it) Yeah. Good idea. He smiles gratefully... drops the file into his briefcase. Ned heads for the office washroom. Laura darts ahead of him into the washroom and turns the water on. Ned steps in... splashes some water on his face. Laura grabs a towel from the rack where three small towels hang neatly... hands it to Ned. He dries his face, looking at her with genuine fondness and gratitude. NED I don't know what I'd do without you? She glances toward the toilet, notices it hasn't been flushed. She FLUSHES it, lowers the seat. LAURA Really? She sits down on the toilet seat, watching him adoringly as he shaves with an electric razor. NED Laura, how long have you worked for me? LAURA Two years, seven months, twenty-three days, nineteen hours... (checks her watch) ...six minutes and fifty-two seconds. (softly, to herself) ...fifty-three... fifty-four... fifty- five... fifty-six... NED And when was the last time I gave you a raise? Laura neatly folds the end of the toilet paper into a point. LAURA Never. But that's okay. I don't need a raise. In fact... I was thinking of giving you a rebate on my salary. He clicks off the razor, turns to look at her for a long moment, considering this, then... NED Naw. That's okay. You keep it. He gives her a manly pat on the shoulder then casually tosses the towel onto the rack, where it hangs sloppily askew... right next to her face. He exits. Laura stares at the towel with a tortured expression. The CAMERA PUSHES IN to her face as we see... INT. ULTRA-MODERN BEACH HOUSE - DAY Scrawled on a steamed-up bathroom mirror - FLASHBACK - CAPE COD - THREE YEARS EARLIER. A hand wipes the mirror off, revealing Laura... younger, longer hair, with a nasty black eye. LAURA'S HUSBAND appears behind her, glaring insanely. He looks toward the towel rack. There are three towels... with HIS - HIS - HIS embossed along the bottom edge. One towel hangs longer than the others. LAURA'S HUSBAND Did we forget something? She meekly lines up all the towels. LAURA'S HUSBAND Did we forget something? She meekly lines up all the towels. INT. BEACH HOUSE KITCHEN - DAY Laura's Husband pulls the cupboard open. All the cans and boxes are neatly stacked in straight lines. All except one. She straightens it... trembling with fear. EXT. DECK OF BEACH HOUSE - DAY He pulls her outside, nodding toward a line of tall PINE trees behind the house. They are all straight and even... except one, whose tall branches tower conspicuously above the rest. He holds up a chainsaw, nodding toward the trees. Shaking and tearful... she backs into the house. END FLASHBACK BACK TO LAURA SCREAMING out in terror! Ned rushes in, shaking her. NED Laura. Laura! What is it? LAURA (coming out of it) I'm okay, I'm okay. I just get a bit... claustrophobic... in the bathroom. NED Maybe we should try some prune juice. He gives her shoulder a consoling squeeze, then exits. She shakily straightens the towels and regains her composure. Ned opens a wardrobe closet in his office. He walks along, looking at thirty exactly identical blue suits, hanging neatly. Laura follows behind him. He stops and stares, indecisive. LAURA Wear the blue one. INT. COURTROOM - DAY Ned turns dramatically to face the jury. NED Ladies and gentlemen... I ask you... does this look like the face of a crook? ANGLE - MILO CRUMLEY sitting next to Laura at the defense table... STILL wearing the panty hose over his head. BACK TO SCENE NED Of course it does. But the question of my client's guilt or innocence is not the issue here today. I'm certain every member of the jury can clearly see that he's guilty! BLIND JUROR I can't. ANGLE ON NED - JURY'S POV Ned ignores this, turning to look directly at the CAMERA as he addresses the jury... holding up a pair of nylon pantyhose. NED Put yourself in his shoes. Look through his eyes. See the world the way HE sees it! He puts the pantyhose over the LENS, obscuring our view. NED Things just don't look the same. It's fuzzy... and frightening! NEW ANGLE - TO INCLUDE NED AND JURY The nylon pantyhose are draped over the frightened face of a WOMAN JUROR. All the other Jurors are holding up their own socks and nylon stockings, trying to peer through them. Ned steps over to Milo, motioning toward him. NED Ladies and gentlemen... Milo Crumley is not the perpetrator here. He is the VICTIM! Milo unwraps a piece of bubble gum and pushes it into his panty-hose covered mouth, chewing the nylon and gum together. NED Like ALL of us... this man is the unfortunate victim of these tragically difficult economic times. And what does that mean? He can't support his family! Ned motions toward the gallery, where we SEE... ...MILO'S WIFE and TWO CHILDREN, all wearing panty hose over their faces. Ned motions toward Milo. NED For God's sake!... He can't even support his own FACE! JUDGE ALLEN notices that Milo is chewing gum. JUDGE ALLEN Mr. Crumley... you cannot chew gum in my courtroom... unless you have enough for everyone. Milo holds up a big plastic bag filled with bubble gum. Judge Allen grabs it, takes a piece of gum and hands it to the Bailiff. JUDGE ALLEN Bailiff. Pass these out. The Bailiff takes the bag, offers one to Ned... who takes a piece, unwraps it and starts chewing. The Bailiff then proceeds to pass out gum to EVERYONE in the courtroom. The JURY FOREMAN raises his hand and clears his throat. JUDGE ALLEN And don't forget the jury. NED And so, desperate and broke, with no other options before him, Mr. Crumley went to eleven Savings & Loans and did what any of you would have done. He stole back the money that the S&Ls had stolen from him! The courtroom erupts in CHEERS! Judge Allen raps the gavel. JUDGE ALLEN (interrupting) Mr. Ravine... please approach the bench. He does. The Judge leans toward him, reaching out to cover the microphone, covering the end of the gavel instead. The Judge's voice is AMPLIFIED over the courtroom speakers. JUDGE ALLEN You're not running for congress here, so knock off the speeches and quit inciting these brainless morons! Now pick up the pace and wrap this son- of-a-bitch up! Call your first witness. Ned turns... looking out over the courtroom. NED I call... Detective Ned Ravine. There is a surprised GASP from the crowd... and a loud MURMUR. The BAILIFF holds out a video box. It's titled HOLY BIBLE - THE VIDEO. Ned puts one hand on it, raises the other. BAILIFF Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? NED I do. Ned sits down... then gets up, his demeanor changing. NED Detective Ravine, at the time of the arrest, did you read the defendant his Miranda rights? He slips back into the witness box. NED Of course. That's standard procedure. Ned steps over to Arch, who is sitting in the first row of the gallery. Arch hands him the Miranda "cue cards." NED Are these the cards Officer Brooks used to prompt you while reading Mr. Crumley his rights? He lays them on the corner of the stand... then slips into the chair. He picks the cards up and flips thru them. On the back we can see scribbled... "NED'S IDIOT CARDS" NED Yeah. These are them. Ned jumps to his feet, pacing dramatically, grabbing the cards. NED Reading from the cards now... quote "You have the right to remain silent, if you waive that right, anything you say... may be used against you in a court of law." Is that right? NED (back in the chair) That's right. NED (stands up, announces) WRONG! The official Miranda warning is... "anything you say CAN be used against you in a court of law." Not "may"... "CAN!" (on the attack) Don't you know the difference between "can" and "may", Detective? Every school kid knows "can" is a verb that indicates ability to perform, while "may" is a verbal auxiliary indicating the permission to act. Ned pivots into the witness stand, changing his attitude from aggressive attorney to defensive, angry witness as he hits the chair. NED I didn't have time to worry about past participles or interrogative pronouns! I was trying to protect society from a deranged MADMAN! (leaps up, pointing) But this ivy league fop...!!! The courtroom ERUPTS! The Judge bangs the gavel. Ned strides proudly toward the defense table. NED I have no more use for this witness. JUDGE ALLEN Mr. Ravine... Ned turns. The Judge motions with a finger for Ned to approach the bench. Ned does, resting his hand on it. JUDGE ALLEN I'm dismissing this case on the grounds of improper grammar. The Judge smacks Ned's hand with a ruler! NED Ow! PROSECUTOR (jumps up) But your Honor...! JUDGE ALLEN I know, I know. It's a technicality. But it's the kind of technicality that makes the American legal system what it is today! Court's adjourned! The Judge mistakenly picks up the microphone and whacks it on the bench like a gavel. BAM! BAM! BAM! It is DEAFENING! Everyone covers their ears in pain. The THX Sound System Logo appears at the bottom of the screen... along with "The Courtroom Is Listening" INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON Ned turns the key... enters through the private door. He HEARS the plaintive sound of a saxophone playing Lola's Theme... his eyes drawn to the slightly opened door to the outer office. ANGLE - NED'S POV THRU OPENING A gorgeous pair of legs, sleek nylons, high-heeled shoes. There are several CANDY WRAPPERS, CIGARETTE BUTTS and other pieces of TRASH stuck to the bottom of one shoe. NED pushes the door open. It's Lola. She wears a tight white dress, long white gloves and broad-brimmed hat. The hat tips up slowly, revealing her eyes. LOLA I waited. You never came back. Ned reaches in his pocket, pulls out a wet paper towel. NED I got busy. Here's that paper towel I promised. LOLA Thanks... NED How'd you get in? The door was locked. Lola proudly holds up a tiny bobbie pin. She smiles. LOLA It's miraculous what a real woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing something, heaves a sigh, goes back to the door. He tries the knob, but the door is locked. He looks through the small window. He sees Lola standing inside... breathing heavily, bracing herself against the staircase bannister, hand to her heaving chest as if to calm a pounding heart. He pushes against the door. It won't budge. He goes to the large window, gazing inside. She slides one hand enticingly across her breast and thigh, striking a seductive pose. He points toward the door, motioning for her to unlock it. She looks away. Frustrated, Ned tries the window. It's locked. He picks up a wrought iron chair, SLAMS it into the window! The heavy chair falls apart. The glass doesn't even vibrate! He sees a riding power mower in the driveway... jumps into the seat, starts the engine... barreling toward the front of the house! THUNDER CRASHES and LIGHTNING FLASHES in the sky! He PLOWS into the side of the house, SMASHING a huge hole thru the wall!... MOWING a swath in the carpet! Lola GASPS. Ned climbs off the mower, moving toward her. She opens her arms, breathless. The MUSIC SWELLS dramatically! She intercepts him, embracing him passionately. LOLA I knew you'd come back... NED (looking past her) I forgot my car keys. He struggles free, grabbing his car keys from the hall table. She follows, embracing him again, even more tenaciously. LOLA That's not what you came back for. NED Yes it is. Impatient, she crushes her mouth against his, kissing him hard, desperately clawing at his clothes. She's relentless... devouring him with her lips and tongue. Overwhelmed, he succumbs to her passion. His car keys drop from his hand. She pushes him down toward the floor. LOW ANGLE - AT FLOOR LEVEL Her hands grasp his shirt, ripping it open. The buttons fly in all directions! She grabs at his leather belt, twisting it in her hands... ripping it in two! She grabs his pants by the cuffs... rips one pant leg off! Then the other!... tossing them over each shoulder! Ned and Lola tumble across the floor, arms and legs entangled... rolling themselves up in a rug in the process. ANGLE - FIREPLACE A roaring fire. We HEAR O.C. MOANING and HEAVY BREATHING. The CAMERA TILTS DOWN to a sheepskin rug in front of the fireplace. No one is there! A crystal vase falls, CRASHING on the stone hearth. The CAMERA TILTS UP to REVEAL Ned and Lola... stretched out on the mantle, ravishing each other. ANGLE - THE REFRIGERATOR The door suddenly BURSTS OPEN! Ned and Lola tumble out... wrapped in each other's arms, food tumbling out with them. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. ANGLE - THE DINING ROOM TABLE The table wiggles. The CAMERA MOVES UP to REVEAL Ned and Lola kissing passionately. She lays on the table, arms and legs stretched upward... a spinning plate balanced on the pointed finger of each hand... and a large spinning platter balanced on the end of her pointed left toe. Her right foot brushes the platter to keep it spinning. The Ed Sullivan Show position. SEVERAL ANGLES - IN BED -- Ned and Lola's entangled legs, moving under the sheets. -- Ned sitting, wrists tied to the brass bed with silk scarves. -- Lola, also with her wrists tied to the bed with silk scarves. -- Then... A WIDER ANGLE... revealing that they are BOTH tied... at opposite ends of the same bed! ANGLE - THE BASEMENT STAIRS Wrapped in each other's arms, they tumble down the stairs... crashing into a workbench, still kissing passionately! ANGLE - A WALL SOCKET Ned's hand plugs in a cord. RACK FOCUS to a soft lamb's wool BUFFER WHEEL rising into frame, WHIRRING. It dips into an open can of FLOOR WAX... then moves over to Lola's naked body, buffing the surface of her skin to a high gloss. The CAMERA MOVES to her EYES. They're CROSSED in ecstasy. ANGLE - THE BEDROOM FLOOR HEAVY BREATHING. SQUEAKY BED NOISES. The CAMERA MOVES up along the mattress. The bed moves with a jerky rhythm. The CAMERA REVEALS Lola's hand, grasping the sheet tightly. WE MOVE UP to Lola, lying face down against the pillow. LOLA (breathless) ...don't... stop... FULL SHOT - THE BED Ned jumps up and down on the bed like a trampoline! Lola is on her stomach, bouncing each time Ned's feet hit the bed. LOLA ...Oh Ned... please... don't... stop... He does a complete BACK FLIP!... then keeps bouncing. EXT. THE ROOFTOP - NIGHT The wind blows. THUNDER and LIGHTNING! RAIN pours down. Ned and Lola, both in yellow rain slickers, ravish each other lustfully on the roof, sliding down the incline of shingles. Oblivious to the peril, they slip right over the edge! They hang from the eaves trough, each clutching it with one hand while still holding one another with their free arms... kissing passionately. The trough breaks! They fall! ANGLE - THE GROUND BELOW They roll out of the bushes onto the lawn, arms and legs entangled. They fall apart, gasping for breath. A beat. LOLA That takes care of foreplay. Ned's eyes widen. Lola grins lustily, rolling on top of him. INT. PRISON CELL - MORNING The cell wall is a clutter of PHOTOS: Hitler... Mussolini... Charles Manson... and his mother, Mrs. Shady. A man's muscular naked torso rises into frame, his back to us. He's doing pull-ups, his body covered with TATTOOS! Quotes on each arm... "Don't have a cow, man!" - Bart Simpson... and "I know you are, but what am I?" - Pee Wee Herman. On one shoulder, a gravestone with the epitaph "I told you I was sick!" In the center of his back... we see a big tattoo of Ned's face labeled "DEAD MEAT." A GUARD opens the cell door. GUARD It's time, Max. The prisoner turns. He's butt-ugly, hard, nasty looking. It's MAX SHADY... with a HUGE "Double Corona" CIGAR in his mouth. On his chest is a tattoo that reads: THIS SPACE FOR RENT. He walks right toward the CAMERA LENS and the FRAME goes TO BLACK. MATCH CUT TO: BLACK FRAME EXT. FEDERAL PRISON - MORNING Two huge iron doors swing open and a mob of milling REPORTERS rushes forward, surrounding Max Shady. He wears a blue suit just like Ned's. The Reporters have no microphones, but shove their empty hands at Max as if they do. They shout questions. REPORTER #1 Mr. Shady! What's the first thing you're gonna do now that you're out? MAX SHADY Find Ned Ravine... rip his head off and use it for a bowling ball! REPORTER #2 Are you a good bowler? REPORTER #3 You ever bowled a three-hundred game? REPORTER #4 How would you handle a seven-ten split? REPORTER #1 Say, aren't you wearing one of Ravine's "trademark" blue suits? MAX SHADY Yeah. The bastard gave it to me as a gift... to make up for losing my case. Now I'm going to wear it to his friggin' funeral!! Shady sees someone o.s., waves like a gleeful little kid. MAX SHADY Ma! INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - MORNING A ceiling fan rotates slowly... a pair of shorts and a nylon stocking hanging from the blades. The house is a wreck! The CAMERA MOVES DOWN to Ned and Lola, both reclining in a big claw-foot bathtub, facing each other, their arms draped lazily over the sides. Ned's eyes are closed. "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo in the b.g. Lola's hand reaches for an ICE PICK on the floor, raising it up slowly. Then... CLICK!... ignites the cigarette lighter in the handle, touching the flame to the end of her cigarette. She chips away a big chunk of ice from the block in a silver ice bucket beside her... then sensuously rubs the ice across her breasts. Ned winces at the sight of this. Lola smiles at him, then lets the chunk of ice slide into the water... and pushes it between Ned's legs. He cringes, eyes crossed. The familiar repetition of MUSICAL notes from the stereo DRONES LOUDER... grabbing Ned's attention. NED That's Madam Butterfly, isn't it? LOLA Iron Butterfly. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. NED (listening) Oh yeah, sure... now I can hear it. LOLA It tells the sad story of a woman who is rejected by her lover after a brief, but torrid, affair... so she stalks him with an ice pick and stabs him with it more than a thousand times. NED Really? I never could understand the lyrics. He lifts his feet out of the water, dangles them over each side of the tub. He's still wearing one blue sock. Lola raises her feet out of the water. She's still wearing her high heel shoes. They are dripping. NED You know, what happened last night was very, uh... LOLA Yes... it was. I should check on my homeowners insurance. NED But we can't ever let it happen again. Ever! LOLA What are you saying, Ned? That you're rejecting me, your lover, after a brief, but torrid, affair?! Ned pulls his feet in, sits up... suddenly feeling vulnerable. He measures his words very, very carefully. NED I wouldn't put it exactly like that. It's just that... well, I'm married to a wonderful woman... who is very, very attractive... (but adds quickly) ...not that you aren't very attractive! His voice begins to ECHO and FADE as the CAMERA MOVES IN to a CU of Lola's enraged EYES! NED (voice echoing) ...you aren't very attractive... you aren't very attractive... you aren't very attractive... And then WE SEE... A CLOSE SHOT of her hand, grasping the ice pick... scratching it along the side of the tub, peeling back the porcelain. A GRATING SCREECH OVERLAPS to... INT. PET STORE - DAY TIGHT on a SCREECHING TROPICAL BIRD. We PULL BACK to reveal Ned looking around the store. His ripped pants have been temporarily repaired with big pieces of masking tape. A CLERK steps over with two big Parrots on her shoulders. CLERK Don't touch anything. You bond with it... you buy it. Whatdya want? NED I'd like to buy a pet. She eyes him suspiciously. CLERK Yeah. For what purpose? NED It's a gift... for my wife. CLERK Right. They all say that. NED She spends a lot of time alone. I thought it might be nice if she had something to keep her company. CLERK Yeah. Sure. I bet. How do I know you're not the kind of guy who punches out parakeets? Or takes some poor defenseless animal, throws it in a sack and runs over it with your car five or six times. NED I would never hurt an animal. CLERK Boy, I would. They're driving me CRAZY! Turns and SHOUTS at the noisy birds. CLERK Shuddup! They do. She turns back to Ned. CLERK Okay... tell me more about this broad you're married to. I like to match people with the pets they deserve. INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY A typical police squad room... smoke-filled, cluttered, busy. Arch sits at a desk doing paperwork, surrounded by the Gang Members... who are also filling out papers. Arch SINGS to himself, munching on nachos from a big pile of chips. The Gang Members harmonize with him. A Gang Member reaches for a nacho chip. Arch grabs for the gun in his shoulder holster. ARCH Uh-uh. The Gang Member drops the chip. Arch pops it in his mouth, continues singing. The Gang Members join in with harmony. Ned enters in the background, carrying a box with airholes in it. He steps over to his desk, looking at the singing Gang Members, then motions like a choir leader, cutting them off neatly. NED (doubtful) You do all my paperwork? They all hand over their completed paperwork. Ned stares at them for a beat... surprised. NED Get out of here. They do. He opens the files... checks out the papers. Arch notices something O.S. and gets up. ARCH And a damn good job, too. One of 'em even did it in Spanish. Arch turns the sound up on a wall-mounted TV monitor. ARCH Hey Ned! Catch this! Friend of yours. On the screen... it's Max Shady speaking to the press. MAX (O.S.) (on T.V.) ...I'd like to reach down Ned Ravine's throat and pull out his guts with my bare hands! ARCH (shocked) Jesus... you hear that? NED He's just working through his anger, trying to find a constructive outlet. ARCH Are you kiddin'! He'll do it! The guy's a friggin' looney! NED Trust me, I spent a lot of time with him when I was preparing his case. He's really a very sweet, sensitive human being. MAX (on T.V.) I'd like to mash his head like a ripe melon... NED He gets a little melon-dramatic. MAX (on T.V.) ...then cut off all his fingers and rip out his liver with my teeth! NED (shrugs) See. Loves to exaggerate. Arch slumps in his chair, really stunned. ARCH Christ, Ned... you're in deep shit. Ned laughs it off. He starts checking through the messages and paperwork on his desk. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up. NED Lieutenant Ravine. Ned's face darkens. He turns away. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - TIGHT SHOT - LOLA'S MOUTH - DAY Speaking into the phone... intense, obsessive. LOLA I want to see you, Ned. INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY NED (whispering harshly) I told you not to call me! It's finished between us. No. No, I'm not sucking anything of yours anymore! (voice gets louder) It's done! OVER! He SLAMS the receiver down, shattering the phone! Everyone stares at Ned in stunned silence. NED (shrugs it off) Wrong number. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DAY She's in the bathtub, phone receiver in one hand, still jabbing at the porcelain tub with the ice pick. Water squirts from the holes she's punctured in the side of the tub. She flings the ice pick at the wall. It sticks! EXT. PARK - DAY Lana is seated on a park bench wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses. Frank walks up, looks around nervously, pretending not to know Lana. He sits down next to her. FRANK How come we gotta meet here? LANA We have to be careful now. We can't risk being seen together at the house or someone might connect us to the murder later on. She hands him a hat. LANA Here... put this on. She takes her sunglasses off, looks at him. He hesitates, staring at the hat. A dignified looking OLDER GENTLEMAN approaches. Frank quickly slips the hat on his head. The Older Gentleman sits on the bench across from them. He opens a paper sack and begins neatly laying his lunch out next to him. An apple, sandwich, napkin, Mountain Dew. LANA (whispers to Frank) Speak Yiddish. FRANK What? LANA Red Yiddish. We see the SUB-TITLE "Speak Yiddish." From this point on, all their dialog is in YIDDISH... but it appears in ENGLISH SUB-TITLES across the bottom of the screen. FRANK Ich hobe getracht, efsher iz der nisht geshtoigen un nisht gefloygen. (I been thinkin'... maybe this plan is too complicated.) LANA Zein nisht azoy meshige! Der plan iz kosher vi yosher. (Quit worrying. The plan is perfect.) INTERCUT - ANGLE ON OLDER GENTLEMAN He tosses crumbs of his sandwich to the pigeons, occasionally glancing up at Frank and Lana. Whenever they speak, however, his eyes look down toward their legs. INTERCUT - MEDIUM TWO-SHOT ON FRANK AND LANA with SUB-TITLES across the bottom of screen, about knee-level. FRANK Yo! Ober mir darfen imvarfen in tsug. Un schissen un schtippen in vasser arein. Oy a broch! Mir zenen git bakackt. (Yeah, but we gotta get him on the train, shoot him... then push him in the river. There's a million ways we can screw up.) LANA Vus iz mit idr? Die host a vaichen schmoke? (You're not going soft on me, are you?) FRANK Ven hob ich gehat a vaichen schmoke? (When have I ever gone soft on you?) LANA Lest'n Yomkippur. (Last Yom Kippur.) FRANK Nu shoin, ein mul. Es paseert tsie yeyden man. (Okay... once! It happens to every guy.) He looks around nervously. FRANK Oy! Mir vellen zein oif groise tsures. Me'vet unz chap'n. (We're going to be in big trouble. They're going to catch us.) OLDER GENTLEMAN There's very little risk involved. Statistics reveal that less than thirty-two percent of all murderers are ever apprehended. They both look at him... stunned. A long beat. LANA You speak Yiddish? OLDER GENTLEMAN No. But I can read sub-titles. Frank and Lana are speechless. But across the bottom of the screen we see a SUB-TITLE reflecting their thoughts. SUB-TITLE Oy vay! INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY Ned enters, carrying the box. He sets it down on her desk. LAURA Oh gee, you shouldn't have... NED I didn't. It's for my wife. He goes into his office, starts to change out of his tattered suit. Laura talks to him from the outer office. LAURA She called. Wondered why you never came home last night. I told her you were working with a client, undercover. She steps into the doorway of his office. LAURA Were you? NED What? LAURA There's lipstick on your collar. She returns to her desk. Disturbed, Ned quickly pulls the shirt collar out, checks it. NED No there isn't. LAURA No... there isn't. But you answered my question. She's a real looker, huh? NED Who? LAURA Lola Cain. NED I hadn't noticed. She opens the blinds behind her and looks at Ned through the window between their offices. LAURA Yeah, I noticed how you hadn't noticed. (returns to work) That's alright. She noticed enough for both of us. She picks up a stack of papers from the FAX machine. Ned steps into the doorway, wearing a clean shirt. LAURA I worry about you, Ned. I worry a lot. (hands him papers) Max Shady's been faxing death threats to you all morning. NED (reading bits) ...stick a knife in your... (reacts, next) ...rip the eyeballs out of your... (next) ...drive razor-sharp spikes under your... LAURA Did you get to the one...? NED ...cut it off... shove it in a blender. LAURA Yeah... that one. NED (tosses them aside) He's just getting it out of his system. Once they say it... they never do it. You know... like the President. There's a KNOCK at the door. They look up to see an ominous SILHOUETTE of a MAN on the milkglass. Ned starts toward the door. Laura grabs his arm, stopping him. LAURA (whispers) Wait. It might be him. She opens her purse, pulls out a big COLT .45, holding it out to him. Ned stares at it, taken aback. NED Where did you get that? LAURA (as if obvious) From my purse. NED What are you doing with it? LAURA (still obvious) Handing it to you. NED Jeez, Laura, what do you use a gun for? LAURA You shoot it. A bullet comes out. Gosh, Ned, after all your years as a cop, I'd think you'd know these things. NED Laura... put the gun away. He hands the gun back to her... goes to the door... opens it. There's a young DELIVERY MAN holding a bouquet of flowers. DELIVERY MAN (checks card) Flowers for Ned Rav... (looks up) Hey... aren't you that lawyer guy? Man, you are dead meat! Ned grabs the flowers, slams the door. Laura takes the envelope from the flowers... opens it. LAURA Is this another sick joke from Max Shady? She looks at the card... her expression turning cold. NED What is it...? LAURA (hands it to him) Lola Cain. She grabs the flowers... takes them into the bathroom. LAURA I'll put these in water for you. Ned opens the envelope. An audio cassette drops into his hand. Written on the label: PLAY ME. From the bathroom, we hear the LOUD SOUND of a TOILET FLUSHING. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT It's raining. Ned pops the cassette into the tape player. LOLA'S VOICE Ned, darling... I know this seems like a strange way to talk with you... but since you won't take my calls, I have no other choice. (then suddenly) Watch it! That red car's turning left! Ned swerves to avoid a collision, HONKING his horn. LOLA'S VOICE I love you, Ned. We're meant to be together... forever. (then suddenly) The light's changing! Floor it! Go! Go! Go! Ned guns it!... accelerating through a yellow light. LOLA'S VOICE Nice move! (then sincere again) Nothing can keep us apart, Ned. Not even your wife. I'd hate to have to tell her about us, but if necessary... I will. We see HEADLIGHTS behind Ned's car. INT. LOLA'S CAR - NIGHT She is following him, her eyes intense, obsessed. Dizzy sits in the back seat, noodling softly on his saxophone. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ned steps into the living room carrying the box. Lana comes down the stairs, pulling on a bathrobe. LANA What happened to you last night? NED (guilty as charged) Why? What have you heard? LANA (sarcastic) You could have called. But then, I suppose you were tied up. NED (reflecting back) Only part of the time. LANA I never know when you're coming home, Ned. How can I ever make any plans? In the b.g., through the window, WE SEE Frank drop from the second floor, right onto the seat of a waiting motorcycle. He ZOOMS OFF into the night. Ned steps up behind Lana, slips his arms around her. NED I promise I'll spend more time with you. I know it's been rough, being alone so much. But I'll make it up to you. Maybe we should try again, you know... to have a baby. She rolls her eyes at this... changes the subject. LANA So what's in the box? NED Oh... I brought you a present! He hands it to her. She opens it, looks in. She looks up, struggling unsuccessfully to hide a look of displeasure. LANA What is it? NED It's... sorta like a cat. Ned pulls out a PET SKUNK and puts it in Lana's lap. She forces a weak smile. LANA Not enough like a cat. NED It's a little skunk. I got it at Birds-and-Skunks-R-Us. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT Lola stands in the pouring rain outside, drenched... staring at Lana and Ned through the window. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT NED So... what're you going to name him? LANA How about... Ned? NED (thinks about it) Yeah. Got a nice ring to it. I've always liked the name Ned. LANA No kidding. He puts his arms around them both. NED So whatdya think? You love Ned Junior as much as you love me? LANA At least. The phone RINGS. Lana stands up, unceremoniously dropping the Skunk into Ned's arms. She goes into... THE ADJOINING ROOM ...to answer the phone. LANA Hello?... Hello?... Hello? (then, whispering) Frank? Is that you? EXT. THE HOUSE - NIGHT Lola is in a glass telephone booth with venetian blinds and a ceiling fan. She cracks the blinds open. In the background, through a window, we can see Lana in the house on the phone. LANA (filtered) I told you not to call. Frank? FRANK! INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned enters the cavernous marble rotunda, turns down a hallway crowded with milling attorneys and defendants. Lola suddenly intercepts him... a newspaper trailing from her high heel shoe. LOLA Who's Frank? NED Frank? The only Frank I know is an auto mechanic... but I sure as hell wouldn't recommend the guy. He's really slow. He starts to move off, but she stops him, impassioned. LOLA I had to see you, Ned. I need to feel your arms around me! I wanna suck your toes til the nails pop off! Lola's voice ECHOES. BYSTANDERS gather, listening. Ned looks around self-consciously, embarrassed. NED I told you, what happened was a big mistake. A one night stand. It's over. I have a wife... The CROWD presses closer... not missing a thing. A WOMAN snaps a FLASH PICTURE! A MAN turns on his video camera. LOLA It doesn't matter. She'll know all about us soon anyway. I want YOU! In my bed... in my arms... in MEEEEEEE! Mortified, Ned spins on his heels and makes a bee-line for the safety of the Men's Room. Lola holds up two tickets. LOLA I got us tickets to see Iron Butterfly! NED I hate opera! INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY Ned bursts in, goes to the urinal... not noticing BEN ARUGULA, an older gentleman in a business suit, standing at the urinal next to him. A beat later... Lola enters. LOLA Why are you running from me? Didn't it mean ANYTHING to you?... buffing my buns with carnuba wax? (looks down) Come on, Neddy-poo. Doesn't Mr. Pokey want to go exploring? NED He's busy right now. Arugula glances sideways at Ned, curious and uneasy. NED Look, I told you... Mr. Pokey made a big mistake! One lousy mistake in his whole stinkin' life! So why don't you give him a BREAK! Besides... he belongs to my wife! EXT. SHOOTING RANGE - DAY Lana FIRES her gun rapidly... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!... over her shoulder, behind her back, under her leg. ANGLE ON TARGET A full-body cut-out of a man, wearing one of Ned's trademark gray suits. A HUGE SMOKING HOLE has been blown right through the crotch! Lana smirks, inhales the SMOKE from the gun barrel... and blows it out. INT. COURTROOM - DAY TILT DOWN from an official government seal that reads "ARS GRATIA ARTIS." JUDGE Ben Arugula... the distinguished looking gentleman from the men's room, sits on the bench. Ned, Laura and a SLIMY DEFENDANT stand at the defense table. JUDGE ARUGULA I'd like to congratulate Mr. Pokey for setting yet another unusual legal precedent. This is the first time I've ever tried a case in which the JURY was found to be insane. ANGLE - JURY AND BAILIFF The BAILIFF is handing out straitjackets to all the JURORS. The Jury Foreman struggles to get his on and laced up. BAILIFF (to another Juror) What're you? A thirty-eight long? BACK TO JUDGE ARUGULA JUDGE ARUGULA The jury will be remanded to the Center For Unclear Thinking in Simi Valley. Court's adjourned. INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY The JURY is led from the courtroom in straitjackets and chains. Ned and Laura follow them out. NED Your BIRTHDAY! Today? Why didn't you tell me? LAURA It's not important. I just had one last year. NED Well, I'm taking you out to celebrate! In the b.g. the Slimy Defendant pulls a gun and forces CITIZENS... including Judge Arugula... up against the wall, robbing them! LAURA Oh no no! It's no big thing. I'll have another one sometime. NED I insist. And I want to get you a nice present. LAURA You're so sweet. You don't have to. You gave me a present last year. Those lovely Ginzu knives. NED Yeah... aren't they great! They last forever. And you can cut right through a shoe with 'em! As they walk off, we HOLD ON a CLOSE SHOT of a newspaper. The headline reads: EX-CON STALKS COP/LAWYER NED RAVINE! Below it is a picture of Max Shady, eyes wide with psychotic rage... a huge cigar in his mouth, wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt. Hands lower the newspaper... revealing Max himself, with the same cigar, shirt and crazed look on his face. INT. LE MISS FASHION BOUTIQUE - DAY - MONTAGE Laura models hats... each one becoming more outrageous. She coaxes Ned into joining her. They BOTH try on WOMEN's hats... smiling and laughing... as "Brown Eyed Girl" plays. In one of the mirrors, we SEE Max Shady's reflection... as he also tries on women's hats, watching them, puffing his cigar. INT. LE HULA BOWL RESTAURANT - NIGHT Laura wears a baseball cap with beer cans attached to each side with long, curved plastic straws. The cap emblem reads "BEER BIMBO." A price tag hangs from it. She is beaming. In the b.g., Hawaiian DANCERS juggle flaming torches as they dance around an ICE SCULPTURE of a Hula Dancer. NED It's nice to be off the streets... away from all the pain and misery out there. Ned motions casually toward the world "out there"... sticking his thumb into the eye of a WAITER who is bending over to pick up a spoon, setting off a chaotic CHAIN REACTION of small disasters that finally culminates with someone near the dance floor bumping into the Torch Juggler, throwing his rhythm off. Distracted, he starts catching the FLAMING ENDS of the torches! OW! OH! YI! OUCH! YIPES! He drops them all. The Waiter who bumped into him, politely picks up one of the flaming torches and hands it back to the Torch Juggler. He grabs the flaming end of the torch... and lets out a SCREAM! He lunges toward a voluptuous HULA GIRL ICE SCULPTURE, grabbing the frozen breasts. His burned hands SIZZLE! Ned and Laura don't even notice... gazing only at each other. LAURA (V.O.) What's he thinking when he looks at me with that goofy smile...? NED (V.O.) Boy, does she look stupid in that hat. LAURA (V.O.) If I told him how I really feel, he'd probably fire me. What am I saying? He probably doesn't even know I exist. NED (V.O.) Laura's incredible. And so smart. Smart enough to recognize that Ginzu knives are the gift of a lifetime. (then, concerned) But she never goes out with guys. I wonder why? LAURA (V.O.) I guess I'll just have to wait. But he's married. I could wait forever. Than again... maybe Lana will get hit by a runaway truck. There's always a chance that... NED (V.O.) (interrupting) But who cares if she... Oh, sorry. LAURA (V.O.) That's alright. I was just rambling. NED (V.O.) Go ahead... LAURA (V.O.) No, no, really... you first... NED (V.O.) I insist... please... LAURA Oh, uh... I just wanted to remind you about... NED ...the Legal Symposium... LAURA ...in Santa Barbara... NED ...tomorrow... NED & LAURA (in unison) ..."How To Sue Your Loved Ones." NED Yeah. I'm driving up in the morning. ANGLE - MAX SHADY sits at a corner table wearing a chic beret from the hat store, voraciously devouring a huge Hawaiian Pit Roasted Pig. He wrenches the apple from the Pig's mouth... takes a huge bite! BACK TO NED AND LAURA A saxophone begins to wail "Lola's Theme." Ned looks up, his eyes drawn to the lounge. He sees... Lola... striking a sexy pose on a bar stool, eyes locked on Ned. Dizzy walks thru, behind the bar, playing his sax. She grabs a handful of cherries from a glass on the bar, shoves them in her mouth, cheeks bulging, tongue moving furiously. A moment later, she pulls out a long chain of inter-locked cherry stems. Ned reacts, shaken, glancing nervously at Laura. She smiles, unaware. His eyes flash back to Lola. LAURA (V.O.) He's so cute. He can't even look me in the eye. Ned's reacts intensely to... LOLA - NED'S POV She stretches out sensuously on the bar, executing a series of humanly impossible erotic gymnastic positions! Then, wrapping her legs around a brass pole, she spins no-handed... until her thighs begin to SMOKE! REVERSE ANGLE - ON ENTIRE ROOM The eyes of every MALE in the restaurant are riveted on Lola! CLOSER ON NED AND LAURA The table starts to rise slowly on Ned's side, glasses sliding toward Laura. She reaches out to stop them... noticing Ned's distracted expression. LAURA (touching his arm) What is it, Ned? You can tell me. NED (sighs, reluctant) I'm a man, Laura. And all men feel passion at one time or another. Even me. LAURA (hopeful) Really? NED What would you think of a married man who gave in to those wild, sensual, raging desires? LAURA Oh... wow... golly... She gulps, eyes wide. The DRUMS pound faster as the Dancers in the b.g. pick up the frenetic tempo! NED What if, for just one crazy moment, he couldn't resist...? He got knocked for a loop and lost control? LAURA (smiles, eager) Gosh... that might be okay. Breathless, she breaks a sweat, gasping for air. The DRUMS beat LOUDER, FASTER. The b.g. Dancers whip into a frenzy! NED What if a tidal wave of lust crashed over him and he was sucked into a vortex of wild, thrashing urges? Both of Laura's ballcap beer cans EXPLODE! Beer SPRAYS out in a huge gush, drenching her! Ned is so preoccupied with his own dilemma, he doesn't even notice. He heaves a sigh... pats her hand... smiles philosophically. NED Well... it's not your problem. I'll work it out. ANGLE - AN ICE PICK grasped tightly in Lola's hand. She walks toward Ned and Laura, a seething rage in her eyes. As she passes the ice sculpture, she stabs the ice pick into the crystalline Hula Dancer's neck! The head breaks off. She catches it and keeps coming, tossing the head casually in one hand, like a basketball. Lola appears suddenly at Ned and Laura's table. They look up. LOLA (to Laura) Like some ice for your drink? She drops the ice Mermaid head. It shatters Laura's glass to bits! Lola turns to Ned with a cold glare. LOLA Does your wife know you're... "working" late? I certainly hope so, Mr. Ravine. She lights her cigarette with the ice pick lighter, then flips it like a jackknife. It STICKS into Ned's chair, right between his legs. Lola flashes a coldly arrogant smile at Laura... then exits. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - MORNING Frank opens the hood to Ned's car, holding a screwdriver in one hand... a wrench in the other. He doesn't know where to start. CLOSE ANGLE - MAX SHADY'S FEET - MORNING A NEWSBOY tosses a folded newspaper. It lands at Max Shady's feet. Max picks up the paper, opens it. The headline says: SHADY READS NEWSPAPER IN FRONT OF RAVINE RESIDENCE! Max looks around self-consciously, eyes shifting uneasily. INT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Lana stands by the front door. She calls upstairs to Ned. LANA Hurry up, darling. You'll be late! Frank slips in, wearing his greasy overalls. He wipes his hands on a rag... giving Lana a sly wink. FRANK (whispering) It's all taken care of. When do I knock on the door? LANA Wait until I signal you. When I raise the blinds... you knock. She steps over to the blinds and demonstrates. He knocks. LANA Not now! FRANK Oh, later... right... okay. She nods, patronizing. Frank exits. Lana picks up the Skunk, cuddling him. Ned comes down wearing his trademark gray suit. Lana kisses him passionately... a final farewell. LANA Drive carefully, sweetheart. Say bye- bye to Little Ned. He loves his daddy... don't you Stink Pot? NED (pets the skunk) See you tonight, Junior. As soon as Ned closes the door, Lana's smile vanishes and she casually tosses the Skunk aside with a LOUD CRASH O.C. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - MORNING Ned turns the car key. Nothing. He gets out, opens the hood. He stares... dumbfounded. INT. THE HOUSE - MORNING Ned comes in, visibly upset. Lana acts surprised. LANA What's wrong? NED This neighborhood is getting worse all the time! Damn kids stole my engine! LANA Why don't you catch the train to Santa Barbara? It leaves in twenty minutes. NED I'll just fly up. LANA No! Ned looks at her strangely. She catches herself. LANA I mean... you can't. Armed terrorists seized the airport this morning. A plane crashed into the tower... and all the runways are on fire! NED Yeah. So? LANA And it's fogged in. NED (disappointed) Dammit. LANA For my peace of mind... take the train. Lana goes to the window, starts to raise the blinds. NED I can't do it. You know how I feel about riding trains. She stops... letting the blinds drop down. LANA Darling... it's only a short trip. NED (reconsiders) Yeah... right. A short trip. She starts to raise the blinds again. He picks up the phone. NED (he hesitates) A short trip to hell in a metal tomb! He slams the receiver down. Lana drops the blinds again... LANA Just because both your parents died in a train wreck... NED And my brother, Jeff... LANA And your brother, Morty... NED My two sisters... LANA Right... NED My best friend, Al... my dog, Woof... Grandma Rose... and Uncle Lionel. All killed by trains! LANA (very convincing) Coincidence, Ned. Beside... that's the past. They're gone. NED (sighs, resigned) Yeah. I guess I can't bring them back by not riding on a train. LANA That's right. She starts to raise the blinds again... NED But I just can't get over this stupid nagging fear that... She abandons the blinds, leaving them raised part way... LANA Fear! What about our baby, Ned? I don't want to raise a child in a home filled with fear! There's a KNOCK at the door. Lana tugs on the cord and the blinds drop with a CRASH. The KNOCKING stops. She pretends it didn't even happen, racing on. LANA But if you can conquer your fear... maybe I can conquer my fear of having a baby with a father who's fearful. (goes for broke) Ned... don't let a train kill our child before it's even conceived! NED (heaves a sigh) I guess you're right. She grabs the cord, then hesitates... LANA You're sure now...? A beat. He nods. She quickly pulls the blinds up. NED But we'll never make it to the station. By the time a cab gets here... A LOUD KNOCK at the front door. Lana opens it. It's Frank. FRANK I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd stop by and pick up my tools. LANA Frank will drive you. Won't you Frank? FRANK Sure, I'll take you to the train station. They all freeze. Lana glares at Frank, who is completely unaware of his faux pas... while Ned tries to figure out why that response didn't sound right. INT. FRANK'S VAN - DAY They climb into the van. Ned nervously checks his watch. NED Twelve minutes. We'll never make it. EXT. FRANK'S VAN - DAY The CAMERA BOOMS DOWN LOW to reveal Max Shady under the van, hanging on like a leech, his back only inches from the road. The van drives off. INT. FRANK'S VAN - MINUTES LATER At an intersection... they see a "DETOUR" sign. Frank and Lana exchange concerned looks. Frank turns the corner. The van starts vibrating violently, tossing them around. NED (checks his watch) We're not going to make it. FRANK We'll make it! He shifts gears, guns the engine. They rocket ahead, BOUNCING WILDLY, their heads THUMPING the car roof! The van SPLASHES through deep water, a huge fantail spraying out on both sides. EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY The train is pulling in. The CAMERA PANS to Frank's muddy van as it drives up nearby. Frank waits in the van as Ned and Lana get out and walk toward the train. They pass a feeble OLD WOMAN struggling to drag a HUGE STEAMER TRUNK along the platform... inches at a time. A REDCAP passes her also, carrying a small overnight case for an attractive, elegantly attired SOCIALITE. Everyone ignores the Old Woman. Ned looks nervously at the train, already pale. LANA Okay... now what're you going to do if you feel queasy going through the tunnel? NED I'll stand in the vestibule between the cars. LANA That's right. When you get queasy... go stand in the vestibule between the cars. She kisses his cheek. He reluctantly boards the train. Her smile vanishes. She hurries back to the next car, nods at Frank, boards the train. Frank peels off his coveralls, follows her on. ANGLE - COACH PLATFORM Laura's Husband steps from the train, holding the deflated Ninja Turtle float ring. He looks around, then walks toward the cab stand. The CAMERA MOVES with him, then HOLDS ON... MAN READING NEWSPAPER - TIGHT SHOT The headline says: SHADY VOWS BLENDER VENGEANCE ON RAVINE! Under the headline is a picture of Max Shady... muddy, bloody, greasy, clothes ripped, cigar shredded... looking off. The paper lowers, revealing Max... a battered mess, looking off. He picks up a small violin case and quickly moves toward the train as it starts to pull out. We now SEE that the seat of Max's pants has been ripped out, his naked buttocks scratched and scraped raw by the road. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned stares out the window... apprehensive, nervous. Frank and Lana enter at the opposite end of the coach. They spot Ned, quickly ducking into a seat where they can observe him yet remain hidden from view behind the tall seatbacks. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY Max walks through the car looking for Ned. He pauses, puffing on his big cigar. A WOMAN PASSENGER looks up and is shocked to see Max's scraped bare butt hanging out only inches away. WOMAN PASSENGER OH! My dear gracious! Max swivels around to look at her... turning his bare behind toward an IRRITABLE MAN across the aisle. IRRITABLE MAN SIR! Would you PLEASE extinguish that foul smelling cigar? MAX (turning slowly) You want me to put out my CIGAR? YOU want me to put out my cigar? You want ME to put out my CIGAR? IRRITABLE MAN Yeah. MAX Certainly. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Max enters through the vestibule, without his cigar, stopping in his tracks when he sees Ned. He smiles to himself, then ducks back into the lavatory. INT. LAVATORY - DAY Max looks at himself in the mirror. He's a disaster. He opens the violin case, pulling out his trademark "Ned Ravine" gray suit on a hangar. It's not even wrinkled. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned looks pale... sweating... reacting tensely to every lurch and bump the train makes. The feeble Old Woman strains to pull her huge steamer trunk down the aisle, inch by inch, toward Ned. ANGLE ON FRANK AND LANA Lana peers over the seat, watching Ned with a cruel smile. LANA It's already getting to him. He'll be out of that seat and into the vestibule within ten minutes... I guarantee it. INT. LAVATORY - DAY Max is cleaned up, dressed in the suit. He straightens his tie, slicks his greasy hair back, sticks a big cigar in his mouth and grins at himself in the mirror. MAX You talkin' to me? You talkin' to ME? You... talkin'... to... ME? He reaches into the violin case, pulls out a complex assortment of metal parts, assembling them swiftly. CLICK... SNAP... CLUNK! It's an incredibly nasty looking high-tech, automatic weapon with gigantic cartridge clip. He screws on a long silencer and points the gun at the ceiling. POOF!... a muffled gunshot! Debris fall around him. He looks up. He has blown a HOLE through the roof of the coach. He adjusts the Silencer Volume Control, which has a scale from 1 thru 11. He turns it all the way down to "0"... DEAD SILENT. He pulls the trigger. The gun RECOILS, but there is absolutely NO SOUND! He has blown another HOLE in the ceiling. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned looks across the aisle to see a GROSS SLOB pulling all kinds of strange food items from a paper bag, making a big, sloppy, disgusting SANDWICH that squirts and drips all over. Ned turns away... really queasy now. INT. LAVATORY - DAY Max reaches into the case, pulls out A BLENDER! He plugs it into the outlet and REVS it a couple times, grinning wickedly. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Max steps out of the lavatory and sees the CONDUCTOR coming his way collecting tickets. He quickly spins around, slides the door open and steps into the vestibule between cars. The Conductor can't get past the Old Woman, so he climbs over the top of her trunk, with no thought of helping her. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Max looks out the side window, trying to conceal the weapon in front of him. The Conductor enters, sees him. CONDUCTOR Ticket? Without turning, Max holds the ticket up over his shoulder. The Conductor takes it, punches it, notices the gun barrel. CONDUCTOR Sorry pal... automatic weapons are only allowed in the club car after nine p.m. Max turns, raising the gun with a nasty GROWL. The Conductor casually snaps a baggage tag to the barrel, taking the gun. CONDUCTOR I'll check it with baggage. You can claim it at the depot in Santa Barbara. The Conductor drops the weapon into a big mesh bag... along with a dozen other guns he's collected. He exits. Max whirls around facing the window, eyes filled with rage. Now what? INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY A gun barrel slowly protrudes between the seats in front of Frank and Lana. Their eyes widen. Suddenly, a stream of water hits Frank in the face! He sputters. A LITTLE KID named JEFF scrambles into the aisle. JEFF Hi! I'm Jeff and I'm eight years old. Didja know if ya put a penny on the track it'll make the train crash? No kiddin'! You ever been in a wreck? My uncle has. Lotsa times. It's really neat. Everybody gets creamed! All bloody guts... heads ripped off and stuff... Hey... wanna hear my song "Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts"? Lana turns to Frank... inspired. She leans toward Jeff. LANA You want to earn a couple bucks, kid? ANGLE ON NED Jeff bounces into the seat across from Ned. JEFF Hi! I'm Jeff and I'm eight years old. Didja know if ya put a penny on the track it'll make the train crash? ANGLE ON FRANK AND LANA Lana peers over the seat at Ned. She smiles. LANA He's losing it. You better get up to the next car. Remember, give me the high sign as soon as you see the river. It'll be two minutes and nine seconds past the tunnel. I'll take care of the rest. Anything goes wrong... just make sure you back me up. (grabs his collar) And don't let him see you. Frank gets up, moves down the aisle slowly, eyes on Ned. He can't squeeze past the Old Woman, who is still struggling to pull her huge trunk down aisle. So... he climbs right over the top of it... oblivious to her. Frank stares at Ned warily as he gets closer. Suddenly, Jeff squirts a stream of water in Ned's eyes. Frank sees his chance, rushing past Ned toward the vestibule. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Frank races through the vestibule behind Max's back. By the time Max turns to see who's there... Frank is gone. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned wipes the water from his eyes, blinking. He grabs the squirt gun away from Jeff, holding it up angrily. NED This... is not a toy! JEFF Yes it is. A beat. Ned realizes he's right. Acting tough, he pulls the plug and drains the water out of the gun, then tosses it back to Jeff. Without missing a beat, Jeff drops the empty water magazine from the grip and jams a full one in... just like loading a cartridge clip. He smirks, ready for action. In the aisle next to them, the Old Woman now pulls her trunk back toward the vestibule. Jeff points the squirt gun at her. Suddenly, she whips around and SQUIRTS HIM in the face with her own squirt gun! He sputters! INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Max stares out the window, still seething. Behind him, the Old Woman moves into the vestibule, inch by inch, trying to drag her trunk into the first coach car. Max turns, sees her struggling and goes to her aid. MAX Here... let me help you with that. He pushes the trunk into the first coach car, then very politely holds the door open for her. She smiles sweetly at him as she shuffles through. OLD WOMAN What a nice young man. You are so polite. MAX (smiles) I try to be. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Jeff is SINGING to Ned... to the tune of "The Old Gray Mare." JEFF Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts... mutilated monkey meat... chopped up dirty birdie's feet... one pint jar of all-purpose porpoise pus... cooked in a Mulligan stew. Ned turns queasy. The train lurches. He stiffens. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY The Old Woman has unpacked her huge trunk. She has hung up clothes... set out a vase with flowers... hung up a big framed painting... and turned on a floor lamp. She pulls out a set of dumbbells, pumps them a couple times... and drops them on the floor with a loud CLUNK! Frank watches her from his seat across the aisle with a blank expression... only his eyes moving. The Conductor punches the Old Woman's ticket, then holds out his hand, waiting. She pulls out a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum... drops it in his bag. He waits. She pulls out an Uzi. EXT. THE TRACKS AHEAD - MOVING SHOT - DAY Up ahead, we see a tunnel approaching. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY JEFF (still singing) French fried eyeballs and ugly scabs you wanna pick... stuff to make your mother sick... dog poop on a stick... puke and snot all mixed together in a pot... Ned is looking very pale and queasy. Suddenly, Jeff jumps up... presses his face against the window. JEFF Oh boy! Here comes the tunnel! Ned can't take it anymore. He gets up, pale and sweating. EXT. TRACKS AHEAD - MOVING SHOT - DAY ...racing toward the tunnel! INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana sees Ned stumble shakily into the aisle, moving toward the vestibule. LANA Way to go, Ned. Right on time. The train enters the TUNNEL. Everything goes PITCH BLACK. A few beats, then... LIGHT fills the car again as they emerge from the tunnel. Lana looks. Ned is gone! She heads down the aisle. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY The Conductor is still tagging weapons as the Old Woman comes up with a Ruger Mini 14 machine gun, a Mauser C96 automatic handgun, a sawed-off double-barreled .12 gauge shotgun... and an old wooden slingshot. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana looks through the small window into the vestibule and catches a glimpse of a gray suit. She ducks back, leaning against the lavatory door. INT. LAVATORY - THE MIRROR - DAY Ned's dripping face rises up from the sink into view. He splashes more water on, trying to overcome his queasiness. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana reaches into her purse, pulls out a gun. She looks through the vestibule windows into the first coach car, her eyes searching for Frank. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - LANA'S POV - DAY Frank pokes his head out into the aisle, looking toward Lana. He waves at her. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana ducks back, pressing herself against the lavatory door... gripping the gun, tense. INT. LAVATORY - DAY Ned starts to open the door, then stops. He notices the violin case. Opens it. A couple of bullets roll around inside. Then, he sees the blender... puzzled. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana leans forward, looking through the vestibule windows, watching desperately for Frank's signal. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY Frank looks out the window and sees... EXT. THE RIVER - FRANK'S POV It looms ahead. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana sees Frank's frantic signal. She raises the gun, pulls the hammer back and steps quickly into... INT. THE VESTIBULE - DAY Max hears someone enter. He stiffens... INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned steps out of the lavatory. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Lana FIRES!... blowing a hole right through Max and the window behind him! She keeps firing! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! More bullets than the gun could ever possibly hold! INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned hears the GUNSHOTS and whirls around, looking into the vestibule through the glass window, just as... INT. VESTIBLE - DAY ...Max turns to face Lana, filled with bloody bullet holes. MAX You shootin' at me? Shocked to see it's Max, Lana empties the rest of the bullets into him... BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Max is SLAMMED back into the vestibule door by the impact! MAX Yeah... you're definitely shootin' at me. She fires one last shot... BLAM!!! EXT. TRAIN ON BRIDGE - DAY Max flies out the door, executing a perfect "full gainer with a triple twist and a half-tuck"... a flawless Olympic style dive... ending with a dead body "belly flop" into the water! INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY Frank sees Max hit the river and lets out a loud "WHOOP!" The Old Woman shoots him a nasty look. He stifles himself. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Ned slides the vestibule door open... steps toward Lana. In a daze, she raises the gun, points it at him, pulling the trigger... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK. He takes the gun from her gently. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY Frank jumps up, rushing forward. He skids to a stop... seeing Ned through the glass! Shocked, he ducks back. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY NED In this crazy world, there's not a whole lot a guy can count on. But when the chips are down, I can always count on you. He takes her hand gently and kisses it... NED You risked your life to save mine. A guy can't ask any more from a woman than that. ... then, CLICK! He snaps a handcuff on her wrist! NED But I saw you shoot him, Lana. In cold blood. I gotta arrest you for murder. LANA Ned... you wouldn't... NED Sorry. I'm a cop. I have a job to do. LANA But... you said it yourself. I saved your life. NED Don't worry, baby. I know a good lawyer. SPINNING NEWSPAPER whirls at us, snapping to a stop in someone's hands... upside down. The hands turn it rightside up. The headline reads: "COP ARRESTS WIFE FOR MURDER!... WILL DEFEND HER IN COURT!" REVERSE ANGLE The paper lowers, revealing Lola Cain with a gratified smile. EXT. CITY JAIL - DAY Ned and Laura move up the steps, surrounded by REPORTERS and MEDIA PEOPLE. Questions are being fired from all sides. REPORTER #1 What kind of gun did she use? NED That's a question for the arresting officer. REPORTER #2 Aren't you the arresting officer? NED You'll have to ask her attorney. REPORTER #1 But aren't you her attorney? NED Only her husband can answer that. REPORTER #3 What will Mrs. Ravine be wearing at the trial? Ned stops at the top of the stairs, turning to the Reporters. NED A lovely powder blue dress with a cinch waist, full bodice and a delicately pleated skirt. REPORTER #3 Does it have a matching jacket? NED No comment. REPORTER #3 Is it cotton or rayon? NED (perturbed) I said... NO COMMENT! Ned and Laura turn and enter the building. REPORTER #1 (calling out) Did she eat any of the victim's body parts? INT. CITY JAIL BUILDING - ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY NED Jeez... they're really throwing some tough questions out there today. LAURA They're just doing their job. NED Yeah... well I call it a "high-tech lynching of an uppity white housewife." INT. CAVERNOUS ROOM - DAY It's huge, dark and shadowy. More than a dozen heavily armed POLICE OFFICERS stand guard all around the perimeter. In the center is a cell constructed of iron bars, like an animal cage. Ned and Laura enter. Arch steps over. NED (seeing the cage) What's this? ARCH Only cell available. They had that serial killer locked up here... you know, the one who talks his victims to death then eats them... Hannibal the Lecturer. But they let him out for a three week tour to publicize his new book. Arch hands him a hardbound book. NED (reading the cover) "To Serve Man." ARCH It's a cookbook. Ned flips it over. ANGLE - THE BOOK - NED'S POV On the back is a picture of HANNIBAL THE LECTURER... wearing a baseball catcher's mask with barbed wire over the mouth. BACK TO SCENE ARCH And look, look... he autographed it. Arch pulls the front cover of the book open, pointing. NED (reads it) To Arch... Love to have you for dinner sometime... Hannibal. (hands it back) Very nice. Arch points toward the cage. ARCH They're waiting for ya. They didn't want to start without her attorney being present. CLOSE ON LANA - CANTED ANGLE There's a BIG MOTH on her mouth. The CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY. A beat... she spits the moth off, irritated. LANA PFFFTT! Damn moths! This place could use a good exterminator. Three POLICE INVESTIGATORS sit opposite Lana at a long table. Moths flutter everywhere. INVESTIGATOR # 2 (to Police Guard) Let's get the SWAT Team in here. Ned, Laura and Arch enter the cage as the Guard exits. LANA Can't you get me out of this cage, Ned? I'm goin' buggy in here. NED Judge said no bail. Don't worry. Just tell the truth, you'll be fine. He turns to the Investigators. NED Who's gonna handle the interrogation? INVESTIGATOR 1 It's your collar... your bust... your call... your show... your play... your move... your wife... NED Okay, okay!... I'll handle it. Laura sits at the far end of the table and opens her notebook. Lana pulls out her mirrored compact, starts to apply lipstick. INVESTIGATOR 2 Sorry Mrs. Ravine... there's no makeup allowed in this building. He nods toward a warning sign: a circle around a LIPSTICK with a diagonal line thru it. She responds, cool, confident. LANA What're you gonna do... arrest me for primping? In the b.g., members of the SWAT Team desperately swat at the fluttering moths. Ned spins his chair around, plants one foot on it, leans on his knee, looking hard at Lana. NED Don't give us a tough time. Just spill it! What were you doing on that train? LANA Well... Ned raises his hand, sits down, leans close, changing his tone. NED (confidential) As your attorney, I must advise you... you don't have to answer that question. Ned stands, paces, agitated... plants his foot on the chair again. He leans toward her... getting tough again. NED Alright, quit playing games with us! (fires questions) Who put ya up to it? Where'd you get the gun? What's your link with the CIA? LANA I... Ned jumps in, motioning with his hands for this to stop. NED Whoa whoa whoa whoa! That's it! I will not tolerate this unwarranted badgering of my client. She'll have her day in court, gentlemen. He slams his briefcase shut and turns to Lana, sincere. NED I want to thank you, Mrs. Ravine, for being so cooperative with these gentlemen. (turns to Laura) Did you get all that down, Laura. Every word she said? LAURA Yep. Both of 'em. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY The CAMERA MOVES IN to a wire mesh cage at the very back of the yard. A small sign on it says: NED JUNIOR. The door is open. The cage is... empty! EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY Lola rides the roller coaster with Lana's pet Skunk. She LAUGHS maniacally as they plunge down a steep grade! The Skunk stands stiffly on her lap, his paws planted on the guard rail, eyes bulging out!... his fur standing straight up! INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY Ned hesitates at the front door. It's open a crack. He moves inside cautiously. There is a strange BUBBLING SOUND coming from the kitchen. He moves toward it... apprehensive. He enters the kitchen and SEES... a huge bubbling pot on the stove, foam spilling over from under the lid! His mind reels! He charges out the back door. EXT. BACK OF HOUSE - DAY Ned bursts out the back door... CAMERA TRACKING with his feet as he dashes across the huge back yard... MUSIC POUNDING! He SEES the EMPTY animal cage! The door is open. A fuzzy blanket hangs halfway out. Shocked, Ned spins around... running back toward the house... CAMERA TRACKING HIS FEET, struggling to keep up. The CAMERA SLAMS into a tree!... CRACKING the LENS! INT. NED'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - DAY Ned bursts in... SEES the bubbling pot!... a huge butcher knife on the counter!... and LOLA, arms outstretched to greet him. NED NO! LOLA Yes. NED NOOOOO! LOLA Yes! NED NOOOOOOOooooooo!!! She whips the cover off the bubbling pot. LOLA YES! Cappelini pomodoro! NED What? She lifts up pasta with a spaghetti spoon... tossing a sprig of basil into the pot from the basil-leaf crown she wears. LOLA Pasta with tomato sauce. Whatsa matta? You don't like Italian? NED Where's Ned Junior? WHERE IS HE?! LOLA I thought he might like to get out, so I took him to the amusement park. He grabs Lola's arm and drags her toward the front door. NED You can't just break into my house, cook my food... borrow my skunk! (opens the door) Leave me alone. Stay out of my face! Out of my neighborhood! Out of my LIFE! She steps outside... turns to him. LOLA You haven't seen the last of me, Ned. He SLAMS the door in her face... hesitates a beat, curious... then pulls the door open. Lola's still there. LOLA I told you. Ned SLAMS the door again. EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - DAY It's a media circus! Vendors sell "TRIAL BALLOON" balloons. PRESS PHOTOGRAPHERS cluster around a squad of CHEERLEADERS wearing sweaters emblazoned with "FREE LANA OR BUST!" across their chests. They perform a rousing CHEER in front of a sign on the building that reads... "LE COURTHOUSE". CHEERLEADERS (with choreography) Lana, Lana, she's the one Shot a bad guy with a gun Blew that sucker off a train Some guys are a friggin' pain YaaaaaAAAAAAAAY LANA! A BBC COMMENTATOR speaks to a TV camera. COMMENTATOR Once again, Americans are making a mockery of their courts, turning a murder trial into a media circus! How can justice ever prevail when it is ridiculed and reviled in such a heinously revolting manner? This is Clement Von Franckenstein returning you to our BBC studios in London for the latest photographs of Lady Di naked in the bath. Ned and Laura push their way through the crush of REPORTERS. INT. COURTROOM - DAY Spectators pour through several turnstiles, shoving in their tokens. TV cameras have been set up to broadcast the trial. A UNIFORMED THEATER USHER escorts JURY MEMBERS in, checks their tickets, hands them programs and directs them to their seats. Ned and Laura sit at the defense table, next to Lana... who is oblivious to everything, deeply engrossed in a pocket video game. Ned looks toward the gallery and does a disturbed take. It's Lola!... sitting in the back row wearing a tailored suit, large brimmed hat with dark veil... and a SKUNK SKIN STOLE draped around her shoulders! Dizzy sits next to her, playing softly on a MUTED SAX. ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH A SPORTSCASTER delivers play-by-play of the action. SPORTSCASTER What a great day for a trial! We have lots of incandescent lighting, seventy-two degrees inside... and no wind! ANGLE - COURTROOM BAILIFF Oy vay! Oy vay! Superior Court of Los Angeles is now in session. And here he is... direct from a triumphant one-week engagement in Las Vegas Circuit Court... the honorable... the venerable... the totally irrepressible... Judge Harlan Skan- kyyyyyyy! Flashing "APPLAUSE" signs and flashing "ALL RISE" audience prompters. Everyone gives the Judge a standing ovation. ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH SPORTSCASTER Wow... has this defense team been HOT! Thirty-seven straight victories this year! Let's go down for the coin toss. ANGLE - COURTROOM The Bailiff flips a coin, motions to the PROSECUTOR. SPORTSCASTER (V.O.) The Prosecution wins the flip of the coin and elects to kick things off. INT. COURTROOM - LATER The PROSECUTOR delivers her impassioned opening statement. PROSECUTOR ...the prosecution will prove that this repulsive and degenerate woman coldly murdered a decent, law-abiding citizen... NED (jumps up) Objection! Move to strike. Hearsay, irrelevant, stupid, idiotic, caca- doody poo-poo... JUDGE SKANKY Sustained. INT. COURTROOM - LATER Laura is on the stand. Ned hands her a sheet of paper. NED And can you tell us what this is? LAURA Yes. It's a death threat that Max Shady FAXED to you on the day he was released from prison. Ned snatches it back, pacing, folding it into a paper airplane. NED A FAX in which he threatened to puree certain parts of my anatomy in a blender! I'd like to submit this into evidence. PROSECUTOR (jumps up) Objection! Who cares about the FAX in this case? JUDGE SKANKY I'll allow it. Ned sails the paper plane toward the COURT CLERK, who is at an evidence table already piled high with tagged guns, appliances, knickknacks, auto parts and other junk. The plane sails toward an open window. The Clerk grabs it... going OUT the window with the plane! EXT. COURTHOUSE LAWN - DAY The Cheerleaders lead the SPECTATORS in an exuberant CHEER. CHEERLEADERS U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! You're ugly! Yeah, you're ugly! M-A- M-A! How you think you got that way? Your Mama! Yeah, your Mama! In the b.g., the Court Clerk plummets to the ground, then staggers to his feet, and stumbles... dazed... back toward the courthouse. INT. COURTROOM - LATER One of the JURORS watches a "DICK VAN DYKE" re-run on a small portable TV monitors, oblivious to the testimony. In the b.g., the battered Clerk stumbles back in with the paper plane. The Conductor is on the stand. Ned holds up a BLENDER. NED And is this the blender you found in the lavatory of the train? CONDUCTOR Yes... it is. NED I'd like this marked as evidence. The Bailiff reaches out, Ned waves him off... instead, tossing the blender over several heads to the Court Clerk... who runs to catch it, CRASHING into the wall. The blender falls, SHATTERS. ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH SPORTSCASTER Awwwww... a bad call by Ravine. Let's check out the re-play. On the RE-PLAY SCREEN we see the action repeated in SLOW MOTION as the Sportscaster draws lines, circles, x's and squiggles. SPORTSCASTER Look at THAT! The Bailiff is wide open! But instead of handing it off, Ravine goes for the long bomb. Ohhhh! The pass is wide! A real wobbler! There's no way! He scrambles, but he just can't get his hands on it... And RIGHT THERE!... (freezes the frame) ...WHAM! That blender is gone! INT. COURTROOM - LATER At the defense table, Laura glances over at Lana, who is casually browsing through a copy of GALS & GUNS magazine. Laura reacts, then, trying to be as diplomatic as possible... LAURA Ned... did you ever consider that maybe you don't know women as well as you think you do? PROSECUTOR (O.S.) Now would you tell the court, in your own words, what you said to Mr. Ravine? They both look toward the witness stand. Ned is shaken. NED (whispers) I'm really worried about this guy. He could blow our whole case right out of the water. ANGLE - WITNESS STAND - MOMENTS LATER Jeff, the little boy from the train is on the witness stand. The Prosecutor stands by, listening as... JEFF (singing) Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts... mutilated monkey meat... itsy-bitsy birdie feet... Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts... and me without a spoon! The JURORS turn pale and reach for the air sickness bags in front of them. The Courtroom erupts. The Judge pounds his gavel LOUDLY. JEFF (pointing at Lana) That lady paid me two bucks to sing it to him...! But NO ONE hears this in all the confusion. The Judge, also looking ill now, bangs his gavel again. JUDGE SKANKY Recess! Ten minutes! EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY The Judge, Jury, Attorneys and Spectators are all playing on the swings, teeter-totters, monkey bars... having a blast! Ned and the Prosecutor play "dodge-ball." Laura cheers Ned on. The Prosecutor rockets the ball at Ned... and just misses! PROSECUTOR Gotcha, dork face! Gotcha, gotcha! LAURA No you didn't! NED No way! Uh-uh! Missed by a mile! The BAILIFF steps into CLOSE UP, blowing a whistle loudly! BAILIFF Recess is over! Let's go... move it, move it, move it! INT. BROADCAST BOOTH - LATER Marching band MUSIC fades off-screen. SPORTSCASTER There they go... the UCLA Marching Band! And now... Holy Toledo!... it looks like the victim's mother... Helen Shady... is gonna take the stand! This will be the first defensive play of the afternoon. INT. COURTROOM - SAME TIME Mrs. Shady is on the stand. Ned paces. NED Mrs. Shady... would you tell us about your son, Max. Was he a... a good boy? MRS. SHADY He was the best. And that's not just a mother talking. You can ask anybody. NED But he got into trouble once in awhile... like all kids do? MRS. SHADY Well, you know, pranks. Little jokes and things. But he was so cute. I have pictures! She reaches down into her huge purse, pulling out a photo album. She opens it, showing Ned. MRS. SHADY Here. This is when he set the cat on fire... (then, assuring him) Oh... but the cat deserved it. NED (looks, points) And what, uh... what are these...? MRS. SHADY Marshmallows. He just loved to toast marshmallows over a roaring cat. Burned on the outside... all soft in the middle. (turns page) And right here... this was taken on the day he left the priesthood to join the Green Berets. ANGLE - THE JURY They rise slowly out of their seats, craning their necks, trying to see the photos. BACK TO SCENE Ned is now seated next to Mrs. Shady in the witness box, looking at the photo album with her. Judge Skanky peers over the side of the bench. NED This is cute. MRS. SHADY (laughs, delighted) Oh yes! That was during his Ku Klux Klan phase. He would take the sheets right off my bed... cut those little holes in them. What a stitch he was! ANGLE - THE SPECTATORS are now on their feet, all straining to catch a glimpse of the photos in the album. BACK TO SCENE NED And is this Max... with all the tools... fixing his bike? She snatches the photo out of the album. MRS. SHADY Why that shouldn't even be in there! It's his rotten little half-brother. (rips up photo) Stinkin' little pecker... he never was any good... ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH The Sportscaster is pushing his face against the broadcast booth glass, trying to see what everyone's looking at. BACK TO SCENE MRS. SHADY (points at another) Oh! I didn't like these neo-Nazi boys. They were all so fussy and persnickety about everything. Heil this and heil that. (flips the page) Oh look... here's Max with his chainsaw. He loved to go to the national park and cut down those giant old trees. It made him feel so patriotic. You know, if he hadn't been such a successful criminal... I think he would have been a lumberjack. The Court Clerk, Bailiff and Court Recorder have all moved around behind the witness stand, peering over Mrs. Shady's shoulder at the photos. MRS. SHADY (tearful, angry) But now he'll never be anything! Not since... (stands up, points) ...that woman, your wife, pulled the trigger and put my little Max in his grave! JUDGE SKANKY Mrs. Shady! Do not POINT your finger in my courtroom. It's discourteous, impolite and disrespectful. MRS. SHADY Don't you tell me what to do with my finger! It's been more places than you've ever dreamed of! JUDGE SKANKY (bangs gavel) Sit down! MRS. SHADY I'll point my finger wherever I want! Mrs. Shady goes berserk... leaping from the witness stand, pointing several different fingers at Judge Skanky. The Bailiff attempts to restrain her, but she breaks free... scurrying around the courtroom, pointing fingers at everyone! CHAOS prevails! INT. COURTROOM - LATER The Irritable Man from the train is on the stand... Max's huge cigar stuck in his ear! The hair around his ear is scorched. NED Did you encounter the victim... Max Shady... on board the train? IRRITABLE MAN Yeah. And I told him... "this is the NO SMOKING car! Would you please put out your damn cigar!" NED And is that the cigar in your ear? The Man strains to see the cigar out of the corner of his eye. Impatient, Ned finally holds up a small pocket mirror. IRRITABLE MAN I believe it is. NED I'd like the cigar and the head of this witness entered into evidence. The Bailiff picks up the Irritable Man and dumps him on the evidence table, where he is tagged by the Court Clerk. NED The defense calls... Lana Ravine! INT. COURTROOM - LATER Lana is on the stand. The Bailiff swears her in. BAILIFF Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? LANA (looks to Judge) Do I have to answer that, Harlan? JUDGE SKANKY No, no dear. I'll vouch for her. Ned approaches. NED Now, Mrs. Ravine... may I call you Lana? LANA No. Call me Angel Tits. PROSECUTOR I object! JUDGE SKANKY Sustained. Counselor... you will address Angel Tits as Mrs. Ravine. NED (after a beat) Mrs. Ravine... would you please tell the court... what were you doing on that train? LANA I saw Max Shady at the station... saw him get on board. I knew he'd made threats to kill you and mutilate your reproductive organs... Ned and EVERY MALE in the courtroom winces at this, doubling over in imagined agony. Lana pauses, then continues... LANA ...so I got on the train too... so I could warn you. NED Do you want to have children? LANA Someday. With the right man. NED But you couldn't have children if my... (makes a gesture) ...were... (another gesture) ...and, uh... LANA It would be difficult. NED So you followed him, knowing you had to protect me... your husband... your best friend... the man you love... the future father of your children. LANA Something like that. NED And when you saw that maniac standing in the vestibule, waiting to pulverize my pee-pee... you pulled the gun and fired and fired and FIRED! LANA And fired and fired and fired and fired and fired and fired and fired... She pauses to count off on her fingers, then... LANA ...and fired and fired and fired. NED The defense rests, your Honor. INT. COURTROOM - LATER The COURTROOM ARTIST has been sketching intensely throughout the trial. We finally see... he's been sketching a BOWL OF FRUIT on the Court Recorder's desk. Ned picks up some fruit from the bowl and approaches the defense table. NED How can you convict a courageous woman who risked everything to save the life of her beloved husband? A woman who acted boldly to stop a demented maniac from doing THIS!... Ned shoves the BANANA and two PLUMS into a demonstration blender on the defense table. He hits the puree button and the blender WHIRRS loudly! NED (shouts over) ...pulverizing the private parts of the man she loves! All MALES in the courtroom react with pained expressions, cringing and doubling-over. Ned turns the blender off. NED (directly to Jury) Lana Ravine is a loving wife and the potential mother of my potential child. I challenge YOU to strike a blow for motherhood and the American justice system! Put the "con" back in the Constitution. Put the "ju" back in jurisprudence. Put the "can" back in American. And put the "dom" back in freedom. Find this woman INNOCENT!... so we can all go to bed happy tonight! INT. PRESS ROOM - LATER A REPORTER opens the door marked PRESS ROOM. Inside, a DOZEN REPORTERS press their pants on a dozen ironing boards. REPORTER The jury's back! The Reporters scramble for the door, pulling their pants on! INT. COURTROOM - LATER The CAMERA FOLLOWS a folded piece of paper as the Jurors pass it along to the FOREMAN... who hands it to the Bailiff... who hands it to the Judge. He unfolds it, reads it... then winks flirtatiously at the FEMALE JUROR who wrote it. She blushes. JUDGE SKANKY (back to business) So... has the jury reached a verdict? JURY FOREMAN (stands up) Yes we have, your Honor. JUDGE SKANKY How do you find the defendant... on the count of manslaughter? JURY FOREMAN Not guilty. JUDGE SKANKY On the count of murder in the first degree? JURY FOREMAN Not guilty. JUDGE SKANKY On the Count of Monte Cristo? JURY FOREMAN Not guilty. A BOISTEROUS CLAMOR in the court. The electronic signs FLASH "NOT GUILTY!"... "NOT GUILTY!"... "NOT GUILTY!" JUDGE SKANKY Good. Then on the count of three, let's all get the hell out of here! One... two... The Jury and Spectators start to rise. The Judge hesitates, gavel poised, shooting them a warning look. JUDGE SKANKY Wait... for... it... Everyone FREEZES halfway out of their seats... waiting. JUDGE SKANKY Two and a half... THREE! He smacks his gavel. Everyone scatters for the doors, but Judge Skanky beats them out of the room. Lana turns cool, dropping her courtroom facade. She plucks off her earrings, unbuttons the neck of her dress, reaches in and magically pulls out her bra, tossing it away. LANA Well, counselor, looks like you won another case. Lucky for me. TWO LEGAL AIDES sneak up behind Ned and dump a big plastic barrel of Gatorade cans over his head! BAILIFF (O.S.) (over P. A. system) Attention courtroom shoppers! All trial evidence now on sale. Forty to sixty percent off all exhibits! Everything must go! They turn to SEE: Spectators and Jurors browse through the clutter of junk in front of the Court Clerk on the evidence table. An IRRITABLE WOMAN claims the Irritable Man, grabbing the cigar from his ear and throwing it down. IRRITABLE WOMAN I told you, Bernard... smoking cigars is bad for your hearing! She pulls him away as Lana steps up, with a cigarette dangling from her lips. Lana picks up her gun and spins the cylinder. It's loaded. The battered Court Clerk limps over, smiling. COURT CLERK Mrs. Ravine! What can I do for ya? LANA How much for my gun? Laura sees this... turns to Ned with a look of shock. LAURA I don't believe it! She just bought her gun back! The gun she used to kill a man! Ned looks off toward Lana with admiration. NED Yeah... the same gun that saved my life. I'm sure it has sentimental value. As Lana wades into the crowd of REPORTERS, some still without pants, the CAMERA MOVES TO Lola, who is watching Lana from the back of the courtroom. Lola pulls a small cord hanging from the side of her hat... opening her veil like window drapes. She's not happy. INT. FRANK'S GARAGE - DAY Frank lays on a mechanic's "creeper", working under a car. Lana steps between his feet. He hears her and rolls out, his crotch sliding to a stop against her legs. He looks up, covered with black grease. FRANK So... you did it. Ya beat the rap. LANA No thanks to you. He gets to his feet, cocky. FRANK Hey... I knew he'd spring ya. She walks toward him, her voice cold, accusing. He backs up. LANA You didn't lift a finger, Frank. You let me take all the heat. FRANK Heeeee-eeey... what could I do? Lana pulls the gun from her purse, pointing it at him. LANA You were gonna let me rot in the slammer... never say a thing. FRANK Look... you're out... free. Now we're together. That's what counts. We can try again! Forget triple indemnity. We'll whack him and split three mil. LANA I'm not splitting anything, Frank. (cocks the gun) And you know too much. FRANK (arrogant) Come on, Lana. You're not gonna shoot me. He brashly turns his back to her, putting some tools away. She sees a huge electric powered SCREWDRIVER on the workbench next to her, smiling diabolically. She lowers the gun. LANA You're right. (then, seductive) Maybe I'll just screw you to death. He laughs arrogantly... starts to unbutton his shirt. FRANK Now you're talkin' baby. EXT. THE GARAGE WINDOW - DAY We see Lana's SILHOUETTE on the window as she raises the big power screwdriver and turns it on. WHIRR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R! The CAMERA WHIPS AROUND and PUSHES IN TO... LOLA watching the murder from her car. There is a... FLASH! Then another! And another! We are... INT. THE GARAGE - LATER A POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER takes FLASH pictures of the crime scene. The CORONER, COPS, FORENSIC MEN... all do their thing. Ned and Arch amble in, looking around. Arch is eating Nachos. FORENSIC MAN Watch your step, guys. There's a lot of blood. Throughout this scene, in the b.g., the milling COPS and INVESTIGATORS slip on all the blood, as if on slick ice, and fall out of frame, their arms and legs flailing helplessly! One of the Coroner's INVESTIGATORS approaches Arch and Ned. INVESTIGATOR Looks like a suicide. We found a note. He holds up a rolled piece of paper with a pair of tweezers. Ned takes it, trying to unroll it. INVESTIGATOR It was stuck up his nose. Ned hands it off to Arch, who casually unrolls it. The Investigator slips, arms waving, and falls out of frame. ARCH (reading it) "I can't take it anymore. I'm a mediocre mechanic... and a lousy lover." NED He's sure got that right. Arch gives Ned a very strange look. Ned feels his stare. NED The "mechanic" part, I mean. In the b.g., various COPS pair up to have their pictures taken by the Police Crime Scene Photographer... posing, grinning. NED (stares at the body) I don't know why, Arch, but I just can't shake this crazy hunch it wasn't suicide. THE CAMERA MOVES behind Ned on his line, revealing Frank... pinned to the wall by the power screwdriver stuck in his back! It's still running... vibrating with a GRINDING HUM. Ned reaches out and turns the screwdriver OFF. INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY Ned enters, pausing. He hears VOICES. He goes to the living room. Lana and Lola turn to see him in the doorway. He is shocked. Lana looks shaken. But Lola is cool... in control. LANA Oh... uh, Ned... This is Lola, um... NED (nervous, defensive) Um? She told you her name was Um? And what other lies did she tell you? I've never seen this woman in my life! Never followed her home! Never had sex with her in the refrigerator! It's all a sick fantasy... and I deny everything! He turns to Lola. NED When will women like you learn, you can't tear apart a perfectly good marriage with your vicious lies... Miss UMMMM! LOLA Actually... it's Smith. Lola Smith. I sell vacuum cleaners, Mr. Ravine. The big powerful kind that suck up everything in sight. I was just telling your wife, if she wants to get rid of all her dirt, she has to be willing to pay the price. She turns to Lana with a cold and contemptuous glare. LOLA Let me know what you decide, Mrs. Ravine. I'm sure we can work out a convenient "payment" plan. A pleasure meeting you... Ned. Lola exits. As soon as the door closes, Lana whirls around in a fury!... SMASHING a lamp! She SHRIEKS furiously! LANA I... hate... SALESMEN! He puts his arms around her, comforting. NED I know it's been a tough ordeal... with the trial and everything. Tell you what... let's take a trip. LANA A trip? NED Yeah. Just the two of us. LANA (darkly inspired) I like that. Just you and me... all alone. I'll start packing. NED Great. Listen... I got something to take care of. I'll be back in awhile. He kisses her and exits. Lana turns to look up toward the landing, a vengefully insane smile clouding her face. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DUSK A demanding KNOCK at the door. Lola hesitates at the door. LOLA Who is it? The door CRASHES OPEN! Ned is silhouetted in the doorway. He looks really pissed! Lola turns and runs. Ned sprints after her, leaping through the air... bringing her down with a tackle! NED I just want to talk. LOLA Why didn't you say so? Her foot shoots out, smashing him right in the face... WHAM! She jumps up and scrambles away. Ned pursues her. She grabs a bottle of scotch from the counter, spins around. LOLA Would you like a drink? She throws the bottle! He ducks and it shatters on the wall! NED No thanks. I'm driving. She whirls on one foot, nailing him in the head with a FLYING SPIN KICK! He stumbles back, dazed. She grabs an ice pick. LOLA Then let's get to the point! Lola charges! Ned rolls onto his back, jamming both feet into her stomach, heaving her up over him... thru the air! She SLAMS into the wall!... then slowly turns... still cool and collected. She raises a cigarette... lights it with the ice pick "lighter." LOLA So what's your problem, tough guy? NED Stay away from my life, my wife, my home and my pets! I'm taking Lana on a vacation and when I come back, I don't ever want to see your face again! He shoves her against the wall... the cigarette flying away. LOLA (shocked) A VACATION! She doesn't deserve a VACATION! She's a brat! A bad girl! She always was and always will be! He grabs her by the shoulders, shaking her. NED What are you talking about? You don't know anything about Lana? LOLA I know EVERYTHING! NED (shakes her hard) How do you know her? Who is she to you? TELL ME! She clams up. He slaps her. NED Who is she! LOLA She's your wife! NED (slaps her again!) Who is she!? LOLA She's my sister! NED (slaps her again) Liar! Who is she? LOLA She's your wife! He raises his hand to slap her hard. NED WHO IS SHE! She SLAPS him! LOLA She's my sister! She continues to slap him... back and forth... repeating her answers... "She's your wife"... "She's my sister!"... "Your wife!"... "My sister!"... "Wife!"... "Sister!" He reaches a boiling point, raising two fingers, preparing to give her the Three Stooges "two-fingered eye poke." She blocks it with her hand and shoves him away. Then, she executes a perfect Three Stooges "wiggly-hand head slap", telling him... LOLA She's your wife... AND my sister! Ned is stunned. MUSIC THUNDERS dramatically! Lana clicks the stereo off. The MUSIC STOPS. LOLA She was spoiled rotten! She stole everything I ever had. Everything! Including him. NED Him? Who, him? LOLA Dwayne. The boy's gym teacher. He was older. So mature... so strong. He smelled like dirty sweat socks and old basketballs. And he was all mine. For awhile. (turning bitter) But Lana wasn't satisfied with her own things. She had to have mine too. She took it all... my makeup, my sweaters, my shoes, my underwear... NED You wore the same clothes? LOLA We were identical twins. NED What're you talking about? You two don't look anything alike. LOLA Not anymore. One day I caught her stealing my lavender eye shadow and she smashed my face in with a shovel. I had fifty-three operations. When the doctors were finished with me... I looked like THIS! I'm ugly. UGLY! NED You're beautiful. LOLA Don't lie to me. NED They did a terrific job! LOLA I look in the mirror. I can SEE! NED But... you're gorgeous! LOLA Tell that to Dwayne. When he saw my face, he left me for HER... because she looked more like me than I did! First she stole my looks... then she stole the only man who ever loved me! She comes toward him... feeling in control once more. LOLA But I found a way to get even. The best revenge possible. Destroy her marriage! NED That's why you did all this? Seduced me... harrassed me... the tape... the flowers... the phone calls... LOLA You been hangin' out with Dick Tracy, haven't ya? NED It won't work. Lana loves me. LOLA It doesn't matter. I'm blackmailing her for everything she's worth. She murdered that greasy auto mechanic. I saw her do it. NED (stunned) Lana killed Frank Kelbo? LOLA (also stunned) Kelbo! His name was Kelbo? NED Yeah. Why? Did he burn you on car repairs too? LOLA Dwayne's name was Kelbo. He had a son. Frankie Kelbo. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned wanders to his car, climbs in, sits there... stunned. NED (V.O.) The pieces of the puzzle were falling into place and I didn't like the picture they were making. If Lana really killed Frank Kelbo, then I had misjudged her by a mile. Sure... he was a lousy mechanic. But murder? Ned rubs his temples, shuts his eyes. NED (V.O.) It was all starting to give me a headache bigger than the national deficit. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo. Lola sits on the floor by an end table, eyes dazed, staring blankly. A lamp with a "clapper" switch sits on the table. As the CAMERA MOVES IN SLOWLY to her, she absently "claps" the light off... then on... then off... then on... then off... INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT CLOSE ON female hands using a keyhole saw to cut through a railing on the second floor landing above the foyer. Outside... the SOUND of a car... headlights! The sawing stops. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ned pulls up. The house is dark and ominous. So is the MUSIC. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door is open a crack. He cautiously pushes it and the door CR-E-A-K-S open very slowly. The door STOPS, but the LOUD CREAKING continues. Ned touches it lightly with the tip of his finger. The CREAKING STOPS. NED Lana? Ned moves up the stairs. The CAMERA BOOMS UP with him, HOLDING ON an ECU of the partially severed railing. INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Ned enters. Hot water gushes from the faucet into a clawfoot bathtub. He turns the water off, looking around, puzzled. Loosens his tie, rubs his head. A splitting headache. Opens the medicine cabinet and... SCREECH! YEOW! CRASH! A CAT leaps out!... darts away. There's a NOISE from downstairs. INT. THE KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Someone is POUNDING on the door. Ned enters and opens it. It's Laura. LAURA Ned! I'm glad you're here. I have so much to tell you. NED Come on in. I'll make some tea. Grab a chair. LAURA Thanks... I brought my own. She drags a chair in behind her, sits at the kitchen table. Ned puts a kettle on the burner, turns it on. He starts searching through the cupboard for teabags. NED So... what have you got? LAURA A lottery ticket and a laundry receipt. (lays them on table) I found them in the pocket of that suit you wore the night you were working under cover with a client. Ned freezes, staring out the window, unable to face her. LAURA You remember that night, don't ya Ned? Then it hit me. Lottery starts with L-O. Laundry starts with L-A. L- O... L-A. Lola. Ned turns to her when he hears Lola's name... looking baffled by this convoluted piece of logic. LAURA (shrugs it off) Don't sweat it. It's the way a woman's mind works. He turns back to the cupboard, picking up a container. NED How about Ovaltine? LAURA Fine. Then I remembered you told me some guy named Frank had been working on your wife's car for two months. You with me so far? NED I'm way ahead of you. He brings the Ovaltine container to the table. LAURA Well back it up. You probably took a wrong turn. Remember your insurance policy... the one we couldn't find? I started thinking, who else had access to it beside you and me? The answer came up... Lana. And since she's a woman, it's probably hidden right here. A huge ceramic cookie jar sits on the table in front of them. Laura SMASHES it with her fist, breaking it open! Cookies spill out... and the insurance policy. NED So that's where she hid the Oreos. He sits down... starts eating Oreos... twisting them apart. LAURA Ned, Lana wasn't trying to save your life when she shot Max Shady. She and Frank were plotting to kill you and collect on your insurance policy. But she shot the wrong guy. NED That's the craziest thing I ever heard. LAURA (she presses on) Don't you see... Frank was going to let her take the fall. So she murdered him and tried to make it look like suicide. (beat) That's when I realized there was a connection between Lola and Lana... NED Yeah... they're sisters. Twin sisters. LAURA Well, hang on to your jock strap, Ned. There's more. She unrolls a complex genealogical chart... walks him thru it. LAURA Not only is Frank's father Dwayne Kelbo, notoriously amorous gym teacher and Lola Cain's former lover... Frank's mother is Helen Shady. Max and Frank are half-brothers who never met. Laura pauses dramatically, then announces. LAURA Your lovely wife, Lana, murdered both of Helen Shady's sons. NED This is so unbelievable. LAURA And you haven't even heard my story. INT. HOUSE - UPSTAIRS LANDING - NIGHT The keyhole saw cuts through the railing. The CAMERA REVEALS Lana, eyes filled with Machiavellian rage. She enters the bathroom, lays the saw blade down. Suddenly... a PAIR OF HANDS plunge into frame, grabbing her by the throat! We GO WITH HER as she is pushed back into the tub, the hands forcing her head under water. Lana grabs a diving mask, clamps it over her face. One of the attacking hands rips it away! Lana grabs a snorkel, sticking it in her mouth. The hand pulls it from her, tossing it aside. The hand shoves a little RUBBER DUCKIE into Lana's mouth! Lana struggles, finally going limp. Her open eyes stare up from beneath the water. The last few bubbles rise to the surface. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME LAURA He turned into a monster. And that's when I left him. I just couldn't... The tea kettle WHISTLES! Laura pulls it off the burner. The whistling subsides... replaced by the distant SOUND of water running upstairs. Ned cocks his head, listening. NED That damn faucet keeps turning on all by itself. I'll go check it. LAURA Okay. I'll make the Ovaltine. Ned exits. Laura opens the Ovaltine container. It's empty. A DARK SHADOW moves past the window behind Laura. Suspense MUSIC. Laura opens the cupboard. PIGEONS explode out, wings beating furiously! She catches her breath, looks in the cupboard. The cans and boxes are covered with pigeon shit. She shoves them aside, looking for the Ovaltine. INT. FOYER - SAME TIME Ned looks up toward the light from the bathroom. Water seeps over the edge of the landing and down the steps. As he moves up the steps, the SOUND of MUSIC... the familiar strains of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"... grows louder and LOUDER. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME It's filled with steam. He waves the steam away... STARTLED to see Lana's lifeless body beneath the water, the rubber duckie jammed into her mouth. The tub overflows on the floor. He turns the faucet off. The water stops... and so does the MUSIC. Puzzled, he turns the faucet on. The MUSIC STARTS. Turns it off. The MUSIC STOPS. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME As Laura turns away to enter the pantry... her Husband's twisted face suddenly appears in the kitchen window! INT. BEDROOM - SAME TIME Ned enters. The MUSIC is coming from the closet. Ned yanks the door open! A flock of PIGEONS bursts out!... revealing a GUEST MUSICIAN playing an instrument. GUEST MUSICIAN I'm sittin' in for Dizzy. He had a gig tonight. Ned shuts the door, eyes shifting. Lola must be near. INT. PANTRY OFF KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura searches the large walk-in pantry for tea bags. She hears a LOUD CRASH of BREAKING GLASS in the kitchen... stops and listens... then casually shrugs it off. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura's Husband stands in the kitchen. The back door is open... the window shattered. He SEES... the kitchen towels hanging sloppily on the rack! The disorganized clutter of cans and boxes in the cupboard! WE PUSH IN to his wildly insane eyes! INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME As Ned enters the upstairs landing, we hear VOICES in his mind. NED (ECHOING V.O.) Women are an open book. You can always tell the rotten apples from the peaches. I'd stake my career on it... stake my career on it... stake my career on it... The repetitive ECHO gets to him. He smacks his head with the palm of his hand. The skipping stops... followed by... NED (ECHOING V.O.) ...If anyone ever proves me wrong, I'll throw away my badge. IN THE DARKNESS A woman's HAND unrolls a leather kit... the "U-Pick an Ice Pick Porta-Pik-Pak!"... with seven ice picks in separate slots, each labeled with a day of the week. The hand selects "Wednesday's" ice pick, pulls it out. Then... BONG... BONG... BONG... BONG...! CANTED ANGLE ON - A GRANDFATHER CLOCK It CHIMES loudly. It's twelve midnight! THE HAND returns the ice pick to its slot, selects the one for Thursday. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura comes out of the pantry. She stops... gasps! Everything in the cupboard is neatly stacked! All the towels are straight! She whirls around... coming face to face with her Husband! He smiles demonically, holding up the Ninja Turtle float ring. LAURA'S HUSBAND Forget something, sweetheart? INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME Ned nears the bathroom door and suddenly... A PIERCING SCREAM! Lola charges, an ice pick raised over her head! She knocks him backward, into the bathroom, slashing at him. But he deflects the attack, grabbing at her arms. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura backs away from her Husband. He holds her wedding ring. LAURA'S HUSBAND You forgot to flush, darling. INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME As Ned and Lola continue their violent struggle... Lola grabs toiletries to aid in her attack. She squirts Ned with SHAVING CREAM... squeezes TOOTHPASTE in his hair... and throws BATH POWDER in his face! Ned is blinded. Gaining the advantage, Lola shoves him back, slamming his head into the wall. He's dazed, helpless. Lola raises the ice pick, moving forward to strike! But Ned grabs a HAIR BLOWER and swings it around, pointing it at her like a gun! She freezes... then smiles contemptuously. LOLA What're you gonna do, Ned? Blow me away? She LAUGHS arrogantly. Ned clicks on the hair blower to HIGH, a blast of HOT AIR hitting Lola's face, puffing her cheeks out, pushing her back, hair flying wildly! Her backside hits the railing where Lana has cut it... the wood splintering! Lola tumbles over backward, SCREAMING! She hangs suspended in mid-air for a moment, like a cartoon character, arms flailing. Then... WHOOM!... she FALLS to the marble floor below, hitting with a LOUD THUD! INT. THE KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura's Husband hears Lola fall, turning. Laura grabs the iron skillet and CLOBBERS him with it! BONG! He goes down. LAURA I never forget anything... honey. INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME Ned stares at the hair blower in his hand. Filled with disgust and revulsion, he throws the "weapon" down. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura pulls TWO REVOLVERS from her purse... spinning them like John Wayne... expertly tossing one over her back, catching it in front! She heads for the foyer. INT. FOYER - A MOMENT LATER - ON LOLA'S BODY Laura pauses, looks down at Lola's body... notices something. She pushes Lola's skirt a bit higher with the toe of her shoe. LAURA (outraged) Those are MY panties! She looks up... sees a light emanating from the bathroom. ON THE LANDING Laura moves through the shadows... stops outside the bathroom, pressing her back against the wall, guns up and ready. She swivels into the doorway... taking a shooter's stance... guns pointed! She sees... LANA... submerged in the tub, face up, the rubber duckie in her mouth. Laura steps back and turns... right into a THING covered in white! Startled, she SHRIEKS! Ned drops the white towel he's using to wipe off all of the shaving cream and toothpaste. Relieved to see it's Ned, she throws her arms around him! LAURA Oh Ned! NED You were right... there's a million things I don't know about women. Maybe you can teach me a few hundred. He pulls out his police badge, looks at it. NED Hell... I had too many careers anyway. He tosses it away, over the railing. INT. FOYER - ECU LOLA - SAME TIME The badge drops from above, landing on the floor right in front of Lola's lifeless face. A beat. Her eyes pop open! INT. BATHROOM - ECU ON BATH WATER - SAME TIME Suddenly, the rubber duckie pops to the surface. ON THE LANDING Laura hugs Ned again, arms locked around his neck, still gripping a gun in each hand. LAURA Oh Ned, I love you. I always loved you! INT. FOYER Lola sits bolt upright, bloody but still bouncy. INT. BATHROOM Lana suddenly SITS UP in the tub, inhaling a huge GASP of air, her eyes wild! INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Laura's Husband's eyes POP OPEN! He SITS UP suddenly... smashing his head into the sharp corner of the kitchen table! He topples back slowly... really dead! Finally. INT. THE STAIRCASE Lola's feet move steadily up each stair... her bloody hand grasping the ice pick. INT. BATHROOM FLOOR - LOW ANGLE Lana's feet step out of the tub, water dripping all around. She picks up the pointed saw from the floor. ON THE LANDING Ned and Laura still embrace, her forearms crisscrossed behind his neck. It's been a long embrace. Suddenly, Lana and Lola both appear, SCREAMING like banshees! Lana charges from the bathroom, grasping the sharp saw blade! Lola races at them from the stairway... with the ice pick! Without missing a beat, Laura raises the barrels of both guns and FIRES at them simultaneously... right next to Ned's ears. The impact of one bullet knocks Lana all the way back through the bathroom, CRASHING spectacularly out the window! The other bullet sends Lola flipping down the staircase! Ned looks stunned, his eyes crossed... the thundering gunshots still ringing in his ears. Laura proudly blows the gunsmoke away from the end of each barrel. LAURA Got 'em! NED (deafened) WHAT? LAURA I said... I GOT 'EM! NED HUH?!!! LAURA (yells) THEY'RE DEAD! GONE! KA-PUT! He strains to make out what she's saying, ears still ringing. NED (yells back) SURE I'LL MARRY YOU! NEXT TUESDAY WOULD BE PERFECT! A beat. Laura opens her mouth to correct him, then decides against it. She smiles... speaking softly, almost shyly. LAURA Okay. But I want to have kids. He hears THIS... smiles at her. NED Great. They embrace. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - WIDE SHOT - NEAR DAWN We MOVE IN SLOWLY toward the house. NED (V.O.) So... maybe I was wrong. Maybe women really are like a big jigsaw puzzle... with pieces that never seem to fit where you want 'em to. INT. NED'S HOUSE - THE BEDROOM - SAME TIME Ned and Laura are in bed, wrapped in each other's arms. NED (V.O.) All I know is, there are three things that men can't possibly ever do... NEW ANGLE - NED AND LAURA Revealing that it's NOT "voice over narration." Ned is actually rattling on aloud again. NED ...understand women... give birth... and program a VCR. And giving birth is the easy one. LAURA Ned... NED Yeah, Laura? LAURA Knock off the chatter, will ya? He smiles at her. They kiss. Romantic SAXAPHONE MUSIC begins to play... only this time, it's "Laura's Theme." The CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY... revealing Dizzy laying on the bed beside them... playing the sax. After a beat, Laura turns to Dizzy. LAURA We won't need you anymore. Ned casually slips him a twenty dollar bill. Dizzy slips off the bed and out the door. Laura turns to Ned. LAURA We can make our own music. Her hand reaches slowly over the edge of the bed, toward the floor. Suddenly... she comes up with a CONCERTINA, a small accordian... and begins to play it! Ned lays there listening for a few moments, a stunned look frozen on his face. Then... he reaches under the pillow and pulls out a HARMONICA and joins in. The CAMERA BOOMS UP to a HIGH ANGLE SHOT... as they play MEDLEY of all the MUSIC heard in the film. FADE TO BLACK ROLL END CREDITS After the final credit, WE HEAR: LAURA (V.O.) Ned, do you know... I want you to make love to me all night long? NED (V.O.) No. But if you hum a few bars... I'll fake it. THE END
FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS by Terry Gilliam & Toy Grisoni BLACK SCREEN A desert wind moans sadly. From somewhere within the wind comes the tinkly, syrupy-sweet sounds of the Lennon Sisters singing "My Favorite Things." A series of sepia images of anti-war protests from the mid-sixties appear one after another on the screen. In the violently scrawled style of Ralph Steadman, the title FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS splashes onto the screen. A beat, and then it runs down and off revealing: TITLE: "He who makes a beast of himself Gets rid of the pain Of being a man." Dr. Johnson The VOICE OF HUNTER S. THOMPSON -- a.k.a. RAOUL DUKE: DUKE (V/O) We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! A red Chevy convertible -- THE RED SHARK -- wipes the black screen. EXT. ON THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THE RED SHARK races down the desert highway at a hundred miles an hour. THE STONES' "Sympathy For the Devil" blares. AT THE WHEEL STRANGELY STILL AND TENSE, RAOUL DUKE DRIVES -- SKELETAL, BEER IN HAND -- STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD. BESIDE HIM, FACE TURNED TO THE SUN, EYES CLOSED BEHIND WRAPAROUND SPANISH SUNGLASSES, IS HIS SWARTHY AND UNNERVINGLY UNPREDICTABLE ATTORNEY, DR. GONZO. The music pounds DUKE stares straight ahead. GONZO froths up a can of beer - uses it as shaving foam. DUKE (V/O) I remember saying something like: "I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive..." GONZO starts shaving. 2. DUKE (V/O) Suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car... Close on DUKE -- shadows flutter across his face. The reflections of bats swirl within his eyes. We push in close to one eye ball -- SCREECHING SWIRLING BAT-LIKE SHAPES! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DUKE (V/O) ... and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals? CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR - DUKE, eyes rigid, flails at the air. No bats anywhere. GONZO casually looks over... GONZO What are you yelling about? DUCK SCREECHES to the side of the road. The sudden wrench makes GONZO nick his face with his razor. DUKE Never mind. It's your turn to drive. DUKE (V/O) No point mentioning these bats. I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. DUKE hops out of the car, keeping an eye out for bats, frantically opens the trunk to reveal what looks like A MOBILE POLICE NARCOTICS LAB. DUKE desperately rifles through the impressive stash. DUKE (V/O) We had two bags of grass, seventy- five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi- colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. 3. DUKE, eyes darting madly as he hears what sounds like the SHRIEKS OF BATS returning, grabs an assortment along with another six-pack of beer - slams the trunk shut and dives back into the car. DUKE (V/O) Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. THE RED SHARK RACES INTO THE DISTANCE... on the ground, weakly flapping is a SEMI-SQUASHED, SLOWLY DYING ANIMAL... A BAT? EXT. FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY IN THE RED SHARK GONZO grips the wheel - stares maniacally down the road - a lousy driver. DUKE (V/O) The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. The radio news wars with "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL" on a tape recorder. RADIO NEWS An overdose of heroin was listed as the official cause of death for pretty 19 year old Diane Hanby whose body was found stuffed in a refrigerator last week... GONZO changes the station - "ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE, SWEET JESUS, ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE" vies with "SYMPATHY"... He sings along - washes a couple of pills back with a new beer. The RED SHARK fishtails. GONZO "One toke over the line, sweet Jesus." 4. DUKE (muttering to himself) One toke. You poor fool. Wait till you see those goddamn bats. UP AHEAD - AT THE SIDE OF THE DESERTED ROAD A LONE HITCHHIKER spots them, jumps up and sticks out a thumb. The RED SHARK roars past. Then, fifty yards down the road... GONZO Let's give that boy a lift. GONZO wrenches the wheel - THE RED SHARK swerves to the side of the road. DUKE We can't stop here - this is bat country! GONZO JAMS THE CAR INTO REVERSE AND ROCKETS BACKWARDS. The HITCHHIKER races to the car. A poor OKIE KID with a big grin. HITCHHIKER Hot damn! I never rode in a convertible before! Then the big grin freezes on the OKIE KID's face at the sight of: DUKE and GONZO looking out at him with HYPER- NORMAL, shit-eating SMILES. DUKE Is that right? Well, I guess you're about ready, eh? The HITCHHIKER hesitates. GONZO We're your friends. We're not like the others. DUKE (hissing sharply) No more of that talk or I'll put the leeches on you. DUKE turns back to the HITCHHIKER - smiles reassuringly. EXT. EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY The HITCHHIKER sits nervously in the back seat as the RED SHARK screams down the road. 5. GONZO sings along to the tape player. The HITCHHIKER's eyes go to the door - considers jumping out and taking his chances. DUKE, sweating bullets, STARES AT THE HITCHHIKER in the rear view mirror. DUKE (V/O) How long could we maintain, I wondered. How long before one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family. The HITCHHIKER's eyes notice a thin line of blood trickling down GONZO's neck. DUKE (V/O) Would he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? DUKE's mouth moves intermittently - sometimes in sync with the words, sometimes not. DUKE (V/O) If so - well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere. Because it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency, and they'll run us down like dogs... DUKE (out loud to himself) Jesus! Did I say that? DUKE (V/O) Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me? GONZO (reassuringly to HITCHHIKER) It's okay. He's admiring the shape of your skull. DUKE gives the HITCHHIKER a FINE BIG GRIN and the HITCHHIKER giggles nervously. 6. DUKE (V/O) Maybe I better have a chat with this boy I thought. Perhaps if I explain things, he'll rest easy... DUKE (roaring over the road noise) THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD PROBABLY UNDERSTAND -- The HITCHHIKER stares at him, not blinking. DUKE (yells) CAN YOU HEAR ME? The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- terrified. DUKE climbs into the back seat. DUKE That's good. Because I want you to have all the background. This is a very ominous assignment -- with overtones of extreme personal danger. I'm a Doctor of Journalism! This is important, goddamnit! This is a true story!... (WHACKS the BACK OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT with his fist) The CAR SWERVES SICKENINGLY, then straightens out. GONZO (screams) Keep your hands off my fucking neck! The HITCHHIKER makes a sudden lunge for freedom. DUKE GRABS HIM BACK DOWN. DUKE (V/O) Our vibrations were getting nasty -- but why? Was there no communication in this car? Had we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts? The HITCHHIKER STRUGGLES IN PANIC. 7. DUKE (to HITCHHIKER) I want you to understand that this man at the wheel is my attorney! He's not just some dingbat I found on the Strip. He's a foreigner. I think he's probably Samoan. But it doesn't matter, does it? Are you prejudiced? HITCHHIKER Hell, no! DUKE I didn't think so. Because in spite of his race, this man is extremely valuable to me. Hell, I forgot all about this beer. You want one? (HITCHHIKER shakes his head) How about some ether? HITCHHIKER What? DUKE Never mind. Let's get right to the heart of this thing. Twenty-four hours ago we were sitting in the Pogo Lounge of the Beverly Wills Hotel... INT. THE BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL POGO LOUNGE 1971 - DAY A uniformed DWARF, carries a shockingly PINK TELEPHONE through the glittering, tranquil POGO LOUNGE CROWD. They are the ELOI. HENDRIX AFROS and DROOPING MUSTACHES and BELL BOTTOMS and LOVE BEADS and BELLS. ACTRESSES sip Singapore Slings and PROMOTERS sip ACTRESSES in this MONIED, SANITISED VERSION OF THE GREAT REVOLUTION YEARS. DUKE (V/O) ... in the patio section, of course, drinking Singapore Slings with mescal on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of Our Lord, 1971. The DWARF reaches DUKE -- T-shirt, levis, sneakers and shades. GONZO -- white rayon bellbottoms and a khaki tank top undershirt. They are in the middle of a serious conversation. 8. DUKE I'm telling you, the Salazar story is getting too complicated. The weasels have started closing in. The DWARF sneers. DWARF Perhaps this is the call you've been waiting for all this time, sir... DUKE lifts the receiver -- listens... DUKE Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... DUKE hangs up the PHONE with the DEAD-PAN EXPRESSION OF A MOVIE SPY. DWARF That was headquarters. They want me to go to Las Vegas at once and make contact with a Portuguese photographer named Lacerda. He'll have the details. All I have to do is check into my sound proof suite and he'll seek me out. GONZO, says nothing for a moment, then POUNDS the table! GONZO God hell! I think I see the pattern! This one sounds like real trouble! You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney I must advise you that you'll need a very fast car with no top and after that, the cocaine. And then the tape recorder, for special music, and some Acapulco shirts... (GONZO tucks his khaki undershirt into his white bellbottoms -- he means business!) This blows my weekend, because naturally I'll have to go with you -- and we'll have to arm ourselves. 9. DUKE Why not? If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing right. DUKE and GONZO are up and off. The DWARF chases after them with the (very large) check in his hand. They sweep out through the Lounge door, unaware of it swinging back into the face of the pursuing DWARF. DUKE I tell you, my man. This is the American Dream in action! We'd be fools not to ride this strange torpedo all the way to the end. GONZO Indeed. We must do it. What kind of story is this? EXT. BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY DUKE and GONZO emerge. DUKE The Mint 400! The richest off-road race for motorcycles and dune- buggies in the history of organized sport! (handing parking ticket to Valet) -- a fantastic spectacle in honor of some fatback grossero who owns the luxurious Mint Hotel in the heart of downtown Vegas... at least that's what the press release says. Their car arrives -- rusted out, smashed door panels. They jump in. DUKE We're going to have to drum it up on our own. Pure Gonzo Journalism. And they're off in a cloud of black exhaust as the nose- bleeding DWARF stumbles out with the unpaid bill in his hand. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY The PINTO races through shot. DUKE (V/O) Getting hold of the drugs and shirts had been no problem... 10. EXT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY The PINTO skids to a halt outside Polynesian bar, the back window full of Hawaiian shirts. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) ... but the car and tape recorder were not easy things to round up at 6:30 on a Friday afternoon in Hollywood. INT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY TORN YELLOW PAGES with dealer's ads ticked off lie in a pile as GONZO yells into a PAYPHONE. DUKE carries over four Singapore Slings. GONZO O.K., O.K., yes. Hang onto it. We'll be there in thirty minutes. (to DUKE -- hand over the PHONE) I finally located a car with adequate horsepower and the proper coloring. (into PHONE) What?! OF COURSE the gentleman has a major credit card! Do you realize who the fuck you're talking to? DUKE Don't take any guff from these swine. (GONZO slams the phone down) Now we need a sound store with the finest equipment. Nothing dinky. One of those new Belgian Heliowatts with a voice-activated shotgun mike, for picking up conversations in oncoming cars. GONZO We won't make the nut unless we have unlimited credit. DUKE We will. You Samoans are all the same. You have no faith in the essential decency of the white man's culture. 11. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DUSK The PINTO races down street. DUKE (V/O) The store was closed, but the salesman said he would wait, if we hurried... EXT. SUNSET BLVD - TRAFFIC JAM - DUSK They're stuck in a traffic jam -- clouds of exhaust. DUKE BANGS ON THE HORN IN FURY. DUKE (V/O) But we were delayed en route when a Stingray in front of us killed a pedestrain. Directly in front of them: BLOODY CARNAGE -- a covered corpse is loaded into an ambulance by PARAMEDICS. EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT DUKE (V/O) We had trouble, again, at the car rental agency. Behind the wheel of the RED SHARK: DUKE grins with satisfaction -- checking it out. A nervous AGENT holds out a clipboard. DUKE signs without looking at the rental papers. AGENT Say... uh... you fellas are going to be careful with this car, aren't you? DUKE Of course. DUKE throws the car into reverse -- roars backwards past the gas pumps to where GONZO is unloading their rusted out car. AGENT Well, good god! You just backed over that two foot concrete abutment and you didn't even slow down! Forty-five in reverse! And you barely missed the pump! DUKE No harm done. I always test the transmission that way. The rear end. For stress factors. 12. GONZO transfers boxes of new sound equipment and a large box of rum and ice into the RED SHARK. AGENT Say. Are you fellows drinking? DUKE Not me. We're responsible people. He JAMS the car into LOW GEAR and lurches into traffic. The AGENT runs into the street and helplessly watches them go. GONZO There's another worrier. He's probably all cranked up on speed. EXT. RUNDOWN BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT STRANGE AND MAGICAL. In the moonlight: the silhouetted figures of DUKE and GONZO as they pack the RED SHARK. DUKE (V/O) We spent the rest of that night rounding up materials and packing the car. Then we ate some mescaline and went swimming. The surf crashes in the distance... EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - NIGHT DUKE cries out as he dives into the ocean. He lets himself float up through the silvery bubbles... DUKE AND GONZO FLOAT BEATIFICALLY IN THE GLOWING, SHIMMERING MOONLIT SURF. DUKE (V/O) Our trip was different. It was to be a classic affirmation of everything right and true in the national character; a gross, physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country. But only for those with true grit... EXT. AND EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY DUKE's intense face. DUKE ...and we're chock full of that! 13. GONZO Damn right! DUKE My attorney understands this concept, despite his racial handicap. But do you?! The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- petrified. DUKE (V/O) He said he understood, but I could see in his eyes that he didn't. He was lying to me. GONZO My heart! GONZO clutches his heart. The car veers off the road and screeches to a halt. He slumps over the wheel. GONZO (CONT'D) Where's the medicine? DUKE The medicine? Yes, it's right here. DUKE spills out 4 AMYL CAPSULES from a tin. DUKE Don't worry, this man has a bad heart... Angina Pectoris. But we have a cure for it. DUKE and GONZO break 2 AMYLS apiece -- INHALE DEEPLY. GONZO falls back on the seat, staring straight up at the sun. The HITCHHIKER looks petrified. GONZO (suddenly flailing his naked arms at the sky) Turn up the fucking music! My heart feels like an alligator! Volume! Clarity! Bass! We must have bass! What's wrong with us? Are you goddamn old ladies? DUKE (turns up music to full volume) You scurvy shyster bastard! Watch your language! You're talking to a Doctor of Journalism! 14. GONZO (laughing uncontrollably) What the fuck are we doing out here? Somebody call the police! We need help! DUKE (to HITCHHIKER) Pay no attention to this swine. He can't handle the medicine. (he begins laughing) GONZO (to the HITCHHIKER) The truth is we're going to Vegas to croak a scag baron named Savage Henry. I've known him for years but he ripped us off -- and you know what that means, right? GONZO pulls out a .357 Magnum -- waves it around. GONZO (CONT'D) Savage Henry has cashed his check! We're going to rip his lungs out! DUKE And eat them! That bastard won't get away with this! What's going on in this country when a scum sucker like that can get away with sandbagging a Doctor of Journalism? GONZO cracks ANOTHER AMYL. The HITCHHIKER SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE CAR, DOWN THE TRUNK LID, AND FLEES. HITCHHIKER Thanks for the ride. Thanks a lot. I like you guys. Don't worry about me. DUKE (yells) Wait a minute! Come back and have a beer! The HITCHHIKER RUNS from car. 15. GONZO Good riddance. That boy made me nervous. Did you see his eyes? (laughing) Jesus, this is good medicine. DUKE glances back at the running HITCHHIKER. DUKE (suddenly clambering into the front seat) Move over!! We have to get out of California before that kid finds a cop! DUKE GUNS THE RED SHARK -- TAKES OFF DOWN THE ROAD... EXT. UNBELIEVABLY FAR DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY THE RED SHARK races -- DUKE at the wheel -- straight ahead driving. DUKE (V/O) It was absolutely imperative that we get to the Mint Hotel before the deadline for press registration. Otherwise, we might have to pay for our suite. GONZO wrestles with a shaker of COCAINE. The top comes off and the powder swirls away on the wind. GONZO Oh, Jesus! Did you see what god just did to us? DUKE God didn't do that! You did it! You're a fucking narcotics agent, that was our cocaine, you pig! GONZO (waving his .357 Magnum at Duke) You better be careful. Plenty of vultures out here. They'll pick your bones clean before morning. DUKE You whore! GONZO tears up a BLOTTER OF ACID. 16. GONZO Here -- chew this. It's your half of the acid. DUKE takes his half -- chews it. DUKE How long do I have? GONZO Maybe thirty more minutes. As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed. It'll be a goddamn miracle if we can get there before you turn into a wild animal. Are you ready for that? Checking into a Vegas hotel under a phony name with intent to commit capital fraud and a head full of acid. DUKE (V/O) Thirty minutes. It was going to be very close. The RED SHARK screams along the highway past a billboard: "DON'T GAMBLE WITH MARIJUANA! \ IN NEVADA: POSSESSION - 20 YEARS; SALE - LIFE!!" EXT. LAS VEGAS MINT HOTEL - DUSK The RED SHARK pulls up outside the MINT. A great banner spanning the street announces the MINT 400. DUKE can feel the drug surging up inside him. Clutching a buckled beer can, sweat pouring, he stares fixedly at the TICKET the ATTENDANT gives him. DUKE I need this, right? ATTENDANT I'll remember your face. DUKE stares -- losing it... DUKE (V/O) There is no way of explaining the terror I felt. INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY DUKE waits in line at the front desk -- RIGID WITH PENT UP ENERGY. GONZO's ahead of him -- muscling in -- trying to queue jump and failing. 17. DUKE (V/O) I was pouring sweat. My blood is too thick for Nevada. I've never been able to properly explain myself in this climate. A COUPLE move off and DUKE jerks forward -- stops -- eyes fixed on the stony FEMALE RESERVATIONS CLERK. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Be quiet, be calm... name, rank, and press affiliation, nothing else... DUKE moves ANOTHER RIGID STEP CLOSER to the desk -- the tension almost snapping him in two. GONZO's FLAPPING AROUND -- absolutely no success. Something catches DUKE's eye... He REMAINS ROOTED -- his eyes turning to the VEGETAL PAISLEY PATTERNS ON THE CARPET WHICH ARE SHIFTING -- UNDULATING. THE CARPET PATTERNS ARE INEXORABLY CREEPING UP THE WALLS... DUKE (V/O CONT'D) ...ignore this terrible drug, pretend it's not happening... The LAST PEOPLE leave -- with A FINAL, STIFF MOVE, DUKE comes face to face with the RESERVATIONS CLERK... AND EXPLODES! DUKE HI THERE. MY NAME... AH, RAOUL DUKE... ON... ON THAT LIST, THAT'S FOR SURE. FREE LUNCH, FINAL WISDOM, TOTAL COVERAGE... WHY NOT? I HAVE MY ATTORNEY WITH ME, AND I REALIZE OF COURSE... As DUKE stares at her, BABBLING, her FACE BEGINS TO MORPH. He tries to stop it happening by TALKING FASTER. DUKE ... THAT HIS NAME IS NOT ON THE LIST, BUT WE MUST HAVE THAT SUITE. YES. JUST CHECK THE LIST AND YOU'LL SEE. DON'T WORRY. WHAT'S THE SCORE HERE? WHAT'S NEXT? DUKE sags -- grips the desk -- WHITE KNUCKLES. 18. RESERVATIONS CLERK (hands him an envelope) Your suite's not ready yet. But there's somebody looking for you. Her face is CHANGING -- SWELLING -- PULSING... DUKE (shouts) NO! WHY? WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET! The FACE OF THE RESERVATIONS CLERK TURNS GREEN & GROWS FANGS. DEADLY POISON! DUKE LUNGES BACK at GONZO, who GRIPS his arm intensely -- REACHES OUT to take the ENVELOPE. GONZO I can handle this. This man has a bad heart, but I have plenty of medicine. My name is Dr. Gonzo. Prepare our suite at once. We'll be in the bar. GONZO manoeuvres DUKE away from the desk. DUKE looks back -- the RESERVATIONS CLERKS is now a MORAY EEL -- green jowls and fangs. INT. NAUTICAL BAR - DAY The bar -- OILY PEOPLE -- quiet music -- nautical theme. DUKE and GONZO at the bar, a marlin spike hanging on the wall behind them. DUKE has turned to stone... GONZO (to the bartender) Two Cuba Libres with beer and mescal on the side. (opens the envelope) Who's Lacerda, he's waiting for us in a room on the twelfth floor? DUKE Lacerda? DUKE (V/O) I couldn't remember. The name rang a bell, but I couldn't concentrate. Terrible things were happening all around us... DUKE is staring -- RAPT -- TERRIFIED. BLOOD FLOWS FREELY onto the floor. DUKE keeps his voice low. 19. DUKE Order some golf shoes. Otherwise, we'll never get out of this place alive. It's impossible to walk in this muck -- no footing at all... DUKE looks up -- GONZO has disappeared. DUKE looks around him -- the entire room has TRANSFORMED into a ROOM FILLED WITH REPTILES IN CLOTHES, DRINKING AND GNAWING AT ONE ANOTHER. DUKE (V/O) I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo. And somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things! It won't be long before they tear us to shreds! GONZO IS SUDDENLY BACK -- AT DUKE'S SHOULDER. GONZO If you think we're in trouble now wait until you see what's happening in the elevators. GONZO removes his sunshades and we see he's been crying... as he speaks he seems to be floating. Duke struggles to keep him in his line of vision. GONZO I just went upstairs to see this man Lacerda. I told him I knew what he was up to... (GONZO rallies -- turns fierce) He says he's a photographer! But when I mentioned Savage Henry he freaked! He knows we're onto him! DUKE But what about our room? And the golf shoes? A GROUP OF REPTILES AT A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM stares at them, BLOOD DRIPPING FROM THEIR FANGS. DUKE (CONT'D) (grabbing GONZO trying to hold him still) Holy shit! Look at that bunch over there! They've spotted us! 20. Cut to wider shot -- DUKE is holding on to a man standing next to him at the bar. The room has returned to normality. GONZO is sitting in his original position. GONZO (downs his drink -- gets up) That's the press table. Where you have to sign in for our credentials. Shit, let's get it over with. You handle that, and I'll check on the room. DUKE No, no. Don't leave me! Black screen. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DUSK A TELEVISION shows the NIGHTLY NEWS. A BUDDHIST MONK, protesting the war, sets himself on fire. A very nervous BELL BOY is laying out GONZO's order. A marlin spike is on the floor next to DUKE. BELL BOY Four club sandwiches, four shrimp cocktails. DUKE There's a big... machine in the sky... some kind of electric snake... DUKE is curled by the window -- MESMERIZED by an unseen neon sign outside the window. His eyes fill with a million colored lights. BELL BOY ... a quart of rum... DUKE ... coming straight at us. GONZO Shoot it. DUKE Not yet. I want to study its habits. BELL BOY ... and nine fresh grapefruit. 21. GONZO Vitamin C. We'll need all we can get. GONZO sees the BELL BOY out the door -- turns and lays into DUKE. GONZO Look, you've got to stop this talk about snakes and leeches and lizards and that stuff. It's making me sick! DUKE stares -- hears the drone of B52 BOMBERS... On TV: The LAOS INVASION -- A SERIES OF HORRIFYING DISASTERS -- EXPLOSIONS AND TWISTED WRECKAGE. Newsreel footage of MAI LAI MASSACRE and the LIEUTENANT CALLEY court-martial. DUKE What are you talking about? GONZO You bastard! They'll never let us back in that place. I leave you alone for three minutes and you start waving that goddamn marlin spike around -- yelling about reptiles! You scared the shit out of those people! They were ready to call the cops. Hell, the only reason they gave us press passes was to get you out of there... A knock at the door. DUKE and GONZO break out in a sweat. DUKE Oh my God! Who's that?! GONZO STICKS HIS GUN IN HIS WAISTBAND -- opens the door to LACERDA -- BOUNCING WITH PUPPY DOG ENTHUSIASM. GONZO stares at a man he instantly hates -- watches him with deep suspicion. LACERDA Duke? I'm Lacerda your photographer. Got your press passes? Good, good. Too bad you missed the bikes checking in. My, what a sight! DUKE watches the B-52S DROP THEIR BOMB LOADS. 22. Looking down to the thick, patterned carpet, DUKE sees the BOMBS EXPLODE like vicious flowers. DUKE looks up: LACERDA is a war photographer -- bruised, filthy and blood spattered. LACERDA approaches him -- talking a foreign language. LACERDA Husquavarnas. Yamahas. Kawaskis. Maicos. Pursang. Swedish Fireballs. Couple of Triumphs, here and there a CZ. All very fast. What a race it's gonna be. DUKE screws up his eyes -- WILLS NORMALITY BACK. LACERDA is now just a keen photographer.L LACERDA Well, we start at dawn. Get a good night's sleep. I know I will. And with a cheerful wave, he's gone. DUKE is in shock. DUKE (weakly) That's good... GONZO I think he's lying to us. I could see it in his eyes. DUKE (even weaker) They'll probably have a big net for us when we show up. DUKE's attention returns to the devastation on the TV... GONZO Turn that shit off! GONZO kills the TV. Black screen. DUKE (V/O) Never lose sight of the primary responsibility. Cover the story. But what was the story? Nobody had bothered to say. 23. EXT. DESERT - DAWN Against A BIG ORANGE SUN, on a concrete slab, MEN FIRE SHOTGUNS into the dawn sky. Clay pigeons shatter. The Mint Gun Club. Next to them, MOTORCYCLES REV -- preparing for the MINT 400 RACE: A hundred BIKERS, MECHANICS and assorted MOTORSPORT TYPES milling around in the pit area; taping headlights, topping off oil in the forks, last minute bolt tightening. DUKE wanders through. DUKE (V/O) The racers were ready at dawn. Very tense. But the race didn't start until nine so we had three long hours to kill. A sign by a long trestle table: "KOFFEE & DONUTS." DUKE walks past -- ignoring the SMILING LADY behind the stall. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Those of us who had been up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts. We wanted strong drink. We were, after all, the Absolute Cream of the National Sporting Press and we were gathered here, in Las Vegas, for a very special assignment. And when it comes to things like this you don't fool around. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY A real pit of iniquity. Slot Machines. Crap tables. Smoke. Drunken shouting. The absolute cream of the NATIONAL SPORTING PRESS. DUKE is at the bar, engaged in drunken conversation with a LIFE REPORTER...showing him his notebook. DUKE See..."Kill the body and the head will die"... the Frazier/Ali fight... MAGAZINE REPORTER A proper end to the 60's... Ali beaten by a human hamburger! DUKE And both Kennedy's murdered by mutants. 24. A SHOUT goes up from outside. The sound of engines revving. REPORTER That's it! They're starting! In a sudden rush the PRESS CROWD make for the door taking DUKE with them. EXT. DESERT - DAY MOTORCYCLES REV -- tension builds... A flag goes down. The CROWD cheers. The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY. A great cloud of dust goes up -- obscuring the RACERS as they disappear into the desert... A moment... REPORTER Well, that's that. They'll be back in an hour or so. Let's go back to the bar. The CROWD turns and streams back into the tent. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY DUKE heads for the bar along with the REST. It's packed. Drinks are ordered. A shout from outside the tent goes up: VOICE OFF Group 2! The CROWD rushes for the door. DUKE gets swept along. EXT. DESERT - DAY MOTORCYCLES REV. A flag goes down. The CROWD cheers. The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY. Another great cloud of dust goes up... The CROWD head back for the bar. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY The CROWD surge back to the bar. VOICE OFF Group 3! This time DUKE fights his way free of the CROWD. 25. DUKE (V/O) There was something like 190 more bikes waiting to start. They were due to go off 10 at a time every 2 minutes. DUKE hits the bar. DUKE Beer! A middle-aged HOODLUM in a T-shirt booms up to the bar. HOODLUM God damn! What day is this -- Saturday? DUKE More like Sunday. HOODLUM Hah! That's a bitch, ain't it? Last night I was home in Long Beach and somebody said they were runnin' the Mint 400 today, so I says to my old lady, "Man, I'm goin'." So she gives me a lot of crap about it, so I start slappin' her around, and the next thing you know two guys I never seen before are beating me stupid. VOICE OFF Group 4! Outside, another batch of motorcycles roar away -- kicking up more clouds of dust. HOODLUM Then they gave me ten bucks, put me on a bus, and when I woke up here I was in downtown Vegas, and for a minute all I could think was, "O Jesus, who's divorcing me this time?" But then I remembered, by God! I was here for the Mint 400. And, man, I tell you, it's wonderful to be here. Just wonderful to be here with you people. A silence. A MAGAZINE REPORTER lunges across the bar -- grabs the BARTENDER. 26. MAGAZINE REPORTER Senzaman wassyneeds! DUKE (smacks the bar with his palm) Hell yes! Bring us ten! VOICE OFF Group 5! MAGAZINE REPORTER (screams) I'll back it! (slides off his stool to the floor) Outside, motorcycles roar away. The dust cloud billows into the tent -- getting denser. MAGAZINE REPORTER (CONT'D) (on the floor) This is a magic moment in sport! It may never come again! I once did the Triple Crown, but it was nothing like this. A FROG-EYED WOMAN claws at the MAGAZINE REPORTER, tries to haul him up. FROG-EYED WOMAN Please stand up! You're a correspondent for a major national magazine who's name we can't get clearance for! Please! You'd be a very handsome man if you'd just stand up! MAGAZINE REPORTER Listen, madam. I'm damn near intolerably handsome down here where I am. You'd go crazy if I stood up! A feverishly eager LACERDA appears out of the dust cloud, 3 cameras slung round his neck. LACERDA Club soda, please. FROG-EYED WOMAN (to MAGAZINE REPORTER) Please! I love Life! 27. LACERDA (to DUKE) Man, it's great out there! DUKE Lunatics. LACERDA grins. VOICE OFF Group 6! LACERDA Meet you outside! LACERDA downs his drink -- hurries out through the crowd and out into the cloud of dust. EXT. DESERT - DAY Nothing. Except for a THICK CLOUD OF DUST. Barely visible, a motorcycle comes speeding into the pits. The RIDER staggers off his bike. The PIT CREW gas it up and sends it back with a FRESH RIDER. DUKE watches him disappear back into the dust cloud. DUKE (V/O) By 10 they were spread out all over the course. It was no longer a race, now it was an Endurance Contest. The idea of trying to "cover this race" in any conventional press sense was absurd. A HORN HONKS. A shiny BLACK BRONCO with DRIVER. LACERDA hangs out of the window. LACERDA It's great, isn't it?! Jump in! DUKE gets into the Bronco and they head into the DUST CLOUD. EXT. DESERT - DAY IN THE BRONCO. DUKE hangs on with his beer. Nothing all around but the HUGE IMPENETRABLE CLOUD OF DUST. LACERDA snaps madly away at nothing at all! 28. LACERDA I'll just keep trying different combos of film and lenses till I find one that works in this dust! The SOUND OF MOTORCYCLES RACING... We hear music and voices singing: BATTLE HYMN "...As we go marching on When I reach my final campground, in that land beyond the sun, And the Great Commander asks me..." [What did he ask you, Rusty?] "Did you fight or did you run?" A moment later, the Bronco races out of the dust. DUKE coughs, chokes, drinks beer. BATTLE HYMN (continuing) [And what did you tell them, Rusty?] "We responded to their rifle fire with everything we had..." The sound of gun shots... A DUNE BUGGY races toward them, loaded down with THREE RETIRED PETTY OFFICERS, DRUNK AS HELL. The radio blares: "THE BATTLE HYMN OF LIEUTENANT CALLEY." The dune buggy is COVERED WITH OMINOUS SYMBOLS: SCREAMING EAGLES CARRYING AMERICAN FLAGS IN THEIR CLAWS. A slant-eyed Snake being chopped to bits by a buzz-saw made of stars and stripes. A MACHINE GUN MOUNT on the passenger side. They yell over the roaring engines. DUNE BUGGY DRIVER Where's the damn race? DUKE Beats me. We're just good patriotic Americans like yourself. DUKE gives DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A NICE BIG GRIN. In response, the PASSENGER #2 narrows his eyes -- tightens his grip on an automatic weapon. DUNE BUGGY DRIVER (suspiciously) What outfit you fellas with? 29. DUKE The sporting press. We're friendlies. Hired geeks. The DRIVER and DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 exchange looks. DUKE If you want a good chase, you should get after that skunk from CBS News up ahead in the black jeep. He's the man responsible for that book, THE SELLING OF THE PENTAGON. DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #1 HOT DAMN! DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A black jeep, you say? And they ROAR away. DUKE Take me back to the pits. LACERDA No, no -- we have to go on. We need total coverage. DUKE gets out of the Bronco. DUKE You're fired. After a moment's hesitation, LACERDA and the BRONCO driver roar away leaving DUKE alone in the cloud of dust. DUKE (V/O) It was time. I felt, for an Agonizing Reappraisal of the whole scene. The race was definitely under way. I had witnessed the start; I was sure of that much. But what now? EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT MUSIC PUMPS OUT. CRUISING IN THE RED SHARK IN VEGAS. THE SKY SWIRLS WITH MILLIONS OF NEON LIGHTS CHASING EACH OTHER IN BAROQUE PATTERNS ACROSS GIGANTIC HOTEL SIGNS. PSYCHEDELIC LIGHT SHOWS TO LURE AND DERANGE THE INNOCENT. CITY OF LOST SOULS. 30. DUKE Turn up the radio! Turn up the tape machine! Roll the windows down. Let's taste this cool desert wind! Aaah, yes! This is what it's all about! DUKE, beer in hand, drives -- a big smile for the world. GONZO scans The Vegas Visitor. DUKE (V/O) Total control now. Tooling along the main drag on a Saturday night in Vegas, two good old boys in a fire apple red convertible... stoned, ripped, twisted... Good people! GONZO How about "Nickel Nick's Slot Arcade?" "Hot Slots," that sounds heavy. Twenty-nine cent hotdogs... DUKE Look, what are we doing here? Are we here to entertain ourselves, or to do the job? GONZO To do the job, of course. Here we go... a Crab Louie and quart of muscatel for twenty dollars! The Shark hits a bump. GONZO As your attorney I advise you to drive over to the Tropicana and pick up on Guy Lombardo. He's in the Blue Room with his Royal Canadians. They hit another bump. DUKE Why? GONZO Why what? CUT to wide shot. They are DRIVING AROUND IN CIRCLES in a large casino parking lot, bumping over the dividers. 31. DUKE Why should I pay out my hard-earned dollars to watch a fucking corpse. I don't know about you, but in my line of business it's important to be Hep. EXT. DESERT ROOM HOTEL - NIGHT TWO BIG SCREAMING FACES. DOORMAN #1 What the hell are you doing?! DOORMAN #2 You can't park here! DUKE Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park? Reveal the RED SHARK parked on the sidewalk in front of the Desert Inn. TWO DOORMEN loom over the car hood. The MARQUEE says: TONIGHT. DEBBIE REYNOLDS. GONZO leaps from the car, waving a five-dollar bill at the DOORMAN. GONZO We want this car parked! We drove all the way from L.A. for this show. We're friends of Debbie's. A pause, then... the DOORMAN pockets the bill, hands them a parking stub. DUKE and GONZO hurry into the hotel. INT. DESERT FROM HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO walk through the lobby. Black, mirrored, sleek, classy. DUKE Holy shit! They almost had us there! That was quick thinking. GONZO What do you expect? I'm your attorney. You owe me five bucks. I want it now. DUKE shrugs and hands over the $5. 32. DUKE (V/O) This was Bob Hope's turf. Frank Sinatra's. Spiro Agnew's. It seemed inappropriate to be haggling about nickel/dime bribes for the parking lot attendant. A WINE-COLORED TUXEDO stops them at the entrance to the ballroom. WINE-COLORED TUXEDO Sorry, full house. GONZO Goddamnit, we drove all the way from L.A. WINE-COLORED TUXEDO I said there are no seats left... at any price. GONZO Fuck seats! We're old friends of Debbie's. I used to romp with her. GONZO and the WINE-COLORED TUXEDO get into an ugly arm- waving negotiation. DUKE (V/O) After a lot of bad noise, he let us in for nothing provided we would stand quietly at the back and not smoke. As DUKE and GONZO disappear through the door we can hear the orchestra blasting out a HIGHLY BLANDIZED "SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND." A beat. The door flies open and BOUNCERS manhandle DUKE and GONZO out. Despite the rough treatment they're both SCREECHING WITH LAUGHTER. GONZO Jesus creeping shit! DUKE (tears streaming) Did the mescaline just kick in? Or was that Debbie Reynolds in a silver Afro wig?! 33. GONZO (in hysteria) We wandered into a fucking time capsule! EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT DUKE DRIVES FAST into the night. They're both LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. DUKE (in hysteria) We wandered into a fucking time capsule! THEN... GONZO finds a TINY TEAR IN HIS JACKET... GONZO What's this?... GONZO is instantly MOROSE. GONZO That scum... GONZO twists round in the car -- SCREAMS back into the night. GONZO SCUM! I know where you live! I'll find you and burn down your fucking house! EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS - NIGHT A hundred foot high neon clown: BAZOOKO CIRCUS. The RED SHARK pulls up beneath the sign. DUKE This is the place. They'll never fuck with us here. GONZO Where's the ether? This mescaline isn't working. EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT Into the GLARING, CHASING LIGHTS of the entrance canopy steps DUKE in EC/U holding a KLEENEX SOAKED IN ETHER TO HIS NOSE. 34. DUKE (V/O) Ah, devil ether. It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel... total loss of all basic motor skills; blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue -- (throws away kleenex) The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column. Which is interesting, because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it. DUKE and GONZO approach the entrance with elaborate care- taking one step at a time -- trying to keep ahead of the drug. DUKE (V/O) You approach the turnstiles and know that when you get there, you have to give the man two dollars or he won't let you inside... but when you get there, everything goes wrong. THE ETHER KICKS IN: DUKE and GONZO BOUNCE off the walls, CRASH into OLD LADIES, GIGGLE HELPLESSLY as they try to pay -- HANDS FLAPPING CRAZILY, unable to get money out of their pockets. DUKE (V/O) Some angry Rotarian shoves you and you think: What's happening here? What's going on? Then you hear yourself mumbling. DUKE (mumbling) Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine. Watch out!... Why money? My name is Brinks; I was born... Born? GONZO Get sheep over side... women and children to armored car... orders from Captain Zeep. The ATTENDANTS indulgently escort them through the TURNSTILES. 35. DUKE (V/O) Ether is the perfect drug for Las Vegas. In this town they love a drunk. Fresh meat. So they put us through the turnstiles and turned us loose inside. INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT Flames shoot up from below the casino. Above, a HIGH WIRE ACT with FOUR MUZZLED WOLVERINES, SIX NYMPHET SISTERS FROM SAN DIEGO, TWO SILVER PAINTED POLACK BROTHERS, and THREE KOREAN KITTENS. The WOLVERINE chases a NYMPHET through the air. TWO POLACKS swing at it from opposite sides and they are instantly locked in a death battle. All plummet to the nets suspended over the GAMBLING TABLES and SLOT MACHINES. No one looks up. The GAMBLERS REMAIN INTENT ON THE SPINNING ROULETTE WHEEL, THE TURN OF THE CARD, THE ROLL OF A DICE. DUKE (V/O) Bazooko Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. This was the Sixth Reich. Something causes DUKE to look down. A dwarf carrying drinks on a tray is tugging DUKE's pants leg trying to get him to move out of the way. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) A drug person can learn to cope with things like seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth but, nobody should be asked to handle this trip. GONZO and DUKE go upstairs walking past funhouse booths. One of them is manned by an orangutan in costume. A FAIRGROUND BARKER grabs DUKE. FAIRGROUND BARKER Stand in front of this fantastic machine, my friend. For just 99 cents your likeness will appear 200 hundred feet tall on a screen above downtown Las Vegas. On a TV monitor a 200 FOOT HIGH DRUNKARD looms over the Las Vegas skyline screaming OBSCENITIES. 36. FAIRGROUND BARKER 99 cents more for a voice message. Say whatever you want, fella. They'll hear you, don't worry about that. Remember, you'll be 200 feet tall! ANOTHER BARKER Step right up! Shoot the pasties off the nipples of this ten-foot bull-dyke and win a cotton candy goat! INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO sit on the revolving platform. GONZO stares -- glassy eyed -- coming apart. GONZO I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting The Fear. DUKE Nonsense. We came here to find the American Dream, and now we're right in the vortex you want to quit. You must realize that we've found the Main Nerve. GONZO That's what gives me The Fear. DUKE Look over there. Two women fucking a Polar Bear. GONZO Please, don't tell me those things... Not now. (signals the waitress for two Wild Turkeys) This is my last drink. How much money can you lend me? DUKE Not much. Why? GONZO I have to go. DUKE GO? 37. GONZO Yes. Leave the country. Tonight. DUKE Calm down. You'll be straight in a few hours. GONZO No. This is serious. One more hour in this town and I'll kill somebody! DUKE OK. I'll lend you some money. Let's go outside and see how much we have left. GONZO Can we make it? DUKE That depends on how many people we fuck with between here and the door. GONZO I want to leave fast. DUKE OK. Lets pay this bill and get up very slowly. It's going to be a long walk. (signals waitress who comes over) GONZO (suddenly to waitress) Do they pay you to screw that bear? WAITRESS What? DUKE He's just kidding. (to GONZO) Come on, Doc -- lets go downstairs and gamble. GONZO trembles with fear -- walks to the edge of the turntable. GONZO When does this thing stop? 38. DUKE It won't stop. It's not ever going to stop. DUKE carefully steps off the turntable. GONZO, eyes staring blindly ahead, squiting in fear and confusion, rooted to the spot, is carried away. DUKE Don't move you'll come around. DUKE reaches out to grab GONZO, who jumps back -- keeps going around. The BARTENDER narrows his eyes at them. DUKE steps onto the merry-go-round -- hurries round the bar -- approaching GONZO from the blind side and shoves GONZO from behind. GONZO goes down with a hellish scream. DUKE approaches him with his hands in the air. Smiling. DUKE You fell. Let's go. GONZO refuses to move and stands tense, fists clenched, looking for somebody to hit...an old woman perhaps? DUKE (CONT'D) OK. You stay here and go to jail. I'm leaving. DUKE walks fast towards the stairs. GONZO catches up with him. GONZO Did you see that? Some sonofabitch kicked me in the back. DUKE Probably the bartender. He wanted to stomp you for what you said to the waitress. GONZO Good God! Let's get out of here! Where's the elevator? DUKE (turning him in the opposite direction) Don't go near that elevator. That's just what they want us to do... trap us in a steel box and take us down to the basement. 39. EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO stumble out of the entrance. DUKE Don't run. They'd like any excuse to shoot us. GONZO (in an extended fall) You drive! I think there's something wrong with me. INT. MINT HOTEL CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THEIR SUITE - NIGHT DUKE AND GONZO RUN MADLY DOWN THE CORRIDOR... DUKE TAKING CARE NOT TO STEP ON THE PATTERNED PART OF THE CARPET. GONZO STRUGGLES with the key in the lock. GONZO Those bastards have changed the lock on us. They probably searched the room. Jesus, we're finished! The door SUDDENLY SWINGS OPEN. DUKE AND GONZO fall inside. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT GONZO Bolt everything! Use all chains! DUKE locks the door. The suite is crowded with ROOM SERVICE GOODIES. DUKE turns to see GONZO staring at two hotel room keys. EVERYTHING STOPS. GONZO Where did this one come from? DUKE snatches a key. DUKE That's Lacerda's room. GONZO smiles a slow smile... GONZO Yeah... I thought we might need it... DUKE What for? GONZO snatches the key back. 40. GONZO Let's go up there and blast him out of bed with the fire hose. DUKE No, we should leave the poor bastard alone. I get the feeling that he's avoiding us for some reason. GONZO Don't kid yourself. That Portuguese son of a bitch is dangerous. He's watching us like a hawk. DUKE He told me he was turning in early... GONZO utters an anguished cry -- slaps the wall with both hands. GONZO That dirty bastard! I knew it! He's got hold of my woman! DUKE (laughing) That little blonde groupie with the film crew? You think he sodomized her? GONZO That's right, laugh about it! You goddamn honkies are all the same! GONZO SLASHES A GRAPEFRUIT with a HUGE RAZOR SHARP HUNTING KNIFE. DUKE blanches. DUKE Where'd you get that knife? GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- MANIACAL. GONZO Room service sent it up. I wanted something to cut the limes. GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- INTO EIGHTHS! DUKE What limes? GONZO SLICES -- SIXTEENTHS! 41. GONZO They didn't have any. They don't grow in the desert. SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO That dirty toad bastard! I knew I should have taken him out when I had the chance. Now he has her. SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO SLASHES INSANELY! DUKE watches -- straight-faced. DUKE (V/O) I remember the girl. We'd had a problem with her in the elevator a few hours earlier: my attention had made a fool of himself. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (FLASHBACK) An elevator door opens to reveal the SMILING FACES OF LACERDA, THE BLONDE TV REPORTER AND HER CREW. DUKE and GONZO stagger in. LACERDA drops his smile. He's standing beside the BLONDE TV REPORTER. A trembling GONZO moonily turns his eyes onto her. BLONDE TV REPORTER (to Gonzo) You must be a rider. What class are you in? GONZO Class? What the fuck do you mean? BLONDE TV REPORTER What do you ride? We're filming the race for a TV series -- maybe we can use you. GONZO Use me? DUKE (V/O) Mother of God, I thought. Here it comes. GONZO is TREMBLING BADLY. There's a moment of uncomfortable silence. 42. GONZO (suddenly shouting) I ride the BIG ONES! The really BIG fuckers! GONZO shows his teeth to LACERDA. DUKE laughs trying to defuse the scene. DUKE The Vincent Black Shadow. We're with the Factory Team. TV CAMERAMAN Bullshit. GONZO stills -- becomes dangerous -- zeros in on the TV CAMERAMAN -- groin to groin... GONZO Wait a minute, pardon me lady, but I think there's some kind of ignorant chicken-sucker in this car who needs his face cut open. You cheap honky faggots! Which one of you wants to get cut?! DEAD SILENCE. Ding! The elevator door opens, but nobody moves. The door closes. Next floor. Ding! The door opens again. A middle-aged couple start to get in. Change their minds. The door closes. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY DUKE and GONZO run down the corridor. GONZO LAUGHS WILDLY. GONZO Spooked! They were spooked! Like rats in a death cage! INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE and GONZO CRASH into their hotel suite -- BOLT THE DOOR. GONZO stops laughing. GONZO Goddamn. It's serious now. That girl understood. She fell in love with me. END FLASHBACK. 43. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO with the BIG HUNTING KNIFE -- sliced grapefruit segments everywhere. GONZO Let's go up there and castrate that fucker! GONZO pauses -- A MAD THOUGHT -- turns to DUKE. GONZO (squinting suspiciously) Have you made a deal with him? Did you put him on to her? DUKE (backing slowly towards the door) Look you better put that blade away and get your head straight. I have to put the car in the lot. DUKE (V/O) One of the things you learn, after years of dealing with drug people, is that you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it's waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eyes. INT. CASINO/LOBBY MINT HOTEL The MAGAZINE REPORTER is on the telephone. MAGAZINE REPORTER Las Vegas at dawn. The racers are still asleep, the dust is still on the desert, fifty thousand dollars in prize money, slumbers darkly in the office safe at Del Webb's fabulous Mint Hotel... DUKE walks past the REPORTER -- into THE CASINO, THE SAD, MEAGRE CROWDS AROUND THE CRAP TABLES. No joy. DUKE watches. DUKE (V/O) Who are these people? These faces! Where do they come from? They look like caricatures of used car dealers from Dallas. (MORE) 44. DUKE (V/O; CONT'D) And, sweet Jesus, there are a hell of a lot of them at four-thirty on a Monday morning. Still humping the American dream, that vision of the big winner somehow emerging from the last minute predawn chaos of a stale Vegas casino. DUKE stops at the Money Wheel, puts down a two dollar bill on a number, the wheel turns, he loses. DUKE You bastards! DUKE (V/O) No. Calm down. Learn to ENJOY losing. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE walks back into the room. We hear the LOUD STRAINS OF THREE DOG NIGHT'S "JOY TO THE WORLD." He walks to the bathroom and opens the door. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE BATHROOM - NIGHT Submerged in green water, GONZO WALLOWS in the steaming tub. Soap labels and grapefruit rinds float on the surface. A large empty pack of Neutrogena soap lies on the floor. The shower is on -- the tub overflowing. THE TAPE RECORDER PLAYS, from where it's plugged into the razor socket over the sink. DUKE turns off the shower -- notices a HUGE HUNK OF CHEWED UP WHITE BLOTTER. DUKE You ate ALL THIS ACID? No answer. DUKE (turning down the volume) You evil son of a bitch. You better hope there's some Thorazine in that bag, because if there's not, you're in bad trouble. GONZO Music! Turn it up. Put that tape on. 45. DUKE What tape? GONZO Jefferson Airplane. "White Rabbit." I want a rising sound. DUKE You're doomed. I'm leaving here in two hours and then they're going to come up here and beat the mortal shit out of you with big saps. Right there in that tub. GONZO I dig my own graves. Green water and the White Rabbit. Put it on. DUKE OK. But do me one last favor, will you. Can you give me two hours? That's all I ask -- just two hours to sleep before tomorrow. I suspect it's going to be a very difficult day. He switches on the tape. "WHITE RABBIT" begins to build. GONZO (coolly) Of course, I'm your attorney, I'll give you all the time you need, at my normal rates: $45 an hour -- but you'll be wanting a cushion, so, why don't you just lay one of those $100 bills down there beside the radio, and fuck off? DUKE How about a check? GONZO Whatever's right. DUKE moves the radio as far from the tub as he can and leaves, closing the door behind him. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE goes across to the sofa and crashes -- exhausted. Suddenly a great ripping and crashing noise in the bathroom. GONZO (V/O) Help! You bastard! I need help! 46. DUKE JUMPS up -- crosses to the bathroom door, muttering. DUKE Shit, he's killing himself! INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT DUKE RUSHES IN. GONZO flails -- trying to reach the radio with the shower curtain pole which he has ripped from its mounts. GONZO (snarling) I want that fucking radio! DUKE GRABS THE RADIO. DUKE Don't touch it! Get back in that tub! GONZO Back the tape up. I need it again! Let it roll! Just as high as the fucker can go! And when it comes to that fantastic note where the rabbit bites its own head off, I want you to THROW THAT FUCKING RADIO INTO THE TUB WITH ME! DUKE stares down at GONZO. DUKE Not me. It would blast you through the wall -- stone dead in ten seconds and they'd make me explain it! GONZO BULLSHIT! Don't make me use this. HIS ARM LASHES OUT OF THE WATER, HOLDING THE KNIFE. DUKE Jesus. GONZO Do it! I want to get HIGHER! DUKE considers this. He's had enough. 47. DUKE Okay. You're right. This is probably the only solution. (holds the PLUGGED IN TAPE/RADIO over the tub) Let me make sure I have it all lined up. You want me to throw this thing into the tub when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks. Is that it? GONZO falls back into the water, smiling gratefully. GONZO Fuck yes. I was beginning to think I was going to have to go out and get one of the goddamn maids to do it. DUKE Are you ready? He switches "WHITE RABBIT" back on. GONZO HOWLS AND MOANS AND THRASHES TO THE MUSIC, straining to get over the top. Meanwhile, DUKE picks up a grapefruit from the sink -- a good two-pounder, he gets a grip on it... and when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks... HE HURLS IT INTO THE TUB LIKE A CANNONBALL. GONZO SCREAMS CRAZILY, THRASHING AND CHURNING -- CAUSING A TIDAL WAVE. DUKE JERKS THE RADIO CABLE OUT OF THE SOCKET -- SLAMS OUT OF THE BATHROOM. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE slumps onto the sofa. SILENCE. GONZO RIPS OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR, his eyes unfocused. HE WAVES THE RAZOR SHARP BLADE out in front of him -- LUNGES at DUKE. DUKE WHIPS OUT A CAN OF MACE. DUKE MACE! YOU WANT THIS? GONZO stops -- hisses. GONZO You bastard! You'd do that, wouldn't you? 48. DUKE (laughs) Why worry? You'll like it. Nothing in the world like a Mace high. Forty-five minutes on your knees with the dry heaves... GONZO You cheap honky sonofabitch... DUKE Why not? Hell, just a minute ago, you were asking me to kill you! And now you want to kill me! What I should do, goddamnit, is call the police! GONZO The cops? DUKE There's no choice. I wouldn't dare go to sleep with you wandering around with a head full of acid and wanting to slice me up with that goddamn knife! GONZO (mumbles) Who said anything about slicing you up? I just wanted to carve a little Z on your forehead. Nothing serious. GONZO shrugs and reaches for a cigarette on top of the TV set. DUKE (menaces him with the MACE) Get back in that tub. Eat some reds and try to calm down. Smoke some grass, shoot some smack -- shit, do whatever you have to do, but let me get some rest. GONZO turns toward the bathroom -- suddenly sad. GONZO Hell, yes. You really need some sleep. You have to work. Goddamn. What a bummer. Try to rest. Don't let me keep you up. 49. GONZO shuffles back into the bathroom. DUKE wedges a chair up against the bathroom doorknob and puts the mace can next to the clock. DUKE turns on the TV. WHITE NOISE FILLS THE ROOM. He collapses onto the sofa and lights up his lightbulb as pipe. DUKE (V/O) Ignore the nightmare in the bathroom. Just another ugly refugee from the Love Generation. The WHITE NOISE snow storm on the TV is reflected in his face. The camera pulls back revealing THE ENTIRE WALL BEHIND HIM TO BE SWIRLING WITH THE FIZZING SNOWSTORM PATTERN. DUKE (V/O) My attorney had never been able to accept the notion -- often espoused by former drug abusers -- that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. And neither have I, for that matter. The pattern on the wall changes to A 60'S VISCOUS OIL LIGHTSHOW PATTERN. With DUKE still sitting in the foreground, the projected image widens to reveal the interior of A HAIGHT ASHBURY DANCE HALL full of DANCING PROTO-HIPPIES. INT. MATRIX CLUB - NIGHT A slightly YOUNGER DUKE moves through the throng. All the action is in a DREAMLIKE SLOW-MOTION. DUKE (V/O) I recall one night in the Matrix. There I was -- a victim of the Drug Explosion. A natural street freak, just eating whatever came by. A ROAD-PERSON with a big pack on his back is shouting. The sound of his voice, like his movements, is in slow-motion. ROAD-PERSON Anybody want some L...S...D...? I got all the makin's right here. All I need is a place to cook. The camera pushes right into the ROAD-PERSON's mouth. INT. MATRIX MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Still in slow motion, the YOUNGER DUKE is trying to eat a HUGE SPANSULE OF ACID. With difficulty. 50. DUKE (V/O) I decided to eat only half at first. Good thinking. But I spilled the rest on the sleeve of my red Pendleton shirt. DUKE stares at his sleeve, uncertain what to do. C/U of the door to the men's room as a MUSICIAN enters speaking in slow-motion. MUSICIAN What's the trouble? DUKE (also in slow-motion) Well, all this white stuff on my sleeve is LSD. The MUSICIAN approaches and looks down at DUKE'S arm. A long pause. Cut back to tight shot of door as it opens and a very clean- cut, PREPPY, STOCKBROKER TYPE enters. He freezes in horror. We cut to his POV. DUKE is standing in the middle of the men's room with the MUSICIAN hunkered down at his side... sucking on his sleeve. A very gross tableau. The STOCKBROKER slowly eases out of the room. DUKE (V/O) With a bit of luck his life was ruined -- forever thinking that just behind some narrow door in all his favorite bars, men in red Pendleton shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know. INT. A BAR - YEARS LATER - NIGHT The STOCKBROKER LOOKING CONSIDERABLY OLDER sits looking lost, confused, a nervous wreck. The image flares out in a TV white noise snowstorm. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE sits staring at the TV. 51. DUKE (V/O) Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. (he gets up, pours himself a drink) Has it been five years? Six? It seems like a lifetime -- the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant. DUKE throws open the curtains. Light streams in. EXT. 1965 STOCK FOOTAGE We are in SAN FRANCISCO. IMAGES OF THE TIME FLOOD IN. DUKE (V/O) THERE WAS MADNESS IN ANY DIRECTION, AT ANY HOUR... YOU COULD STRIKE SPARKS ANYWHERE. THERE WAS A FANTASTIC UNIVERSAL SENSE THAT WHATEVER WE WERE DOING WAS RIGHT, THAT WE WERE WINNING. AND THAT, I THINK, WAS THE HANDLE -- THAT SENSE OF INEVITABLE VICTORY OVER THE FORCES OF OLD AND EVIL. NOT IN ANY MEAN OR MILITARY SENSE; WE DIDN'T NEED THAT. OUR ENERGY WOULD SIMPLY prevail. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave... DUKE'S FACE IS SUFFUSED WITH A SADNESS AND SERENITY WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. DUKE (V/O) So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high water mark -- that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. 52. The memories dissolve into the night skyline of Vegas. Suddenly towering over the casinos is a 200 foot high Nazi shouting "WOODSTOCK ÜBER ALLES!" INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE closes the curtain. The room is in darkness again. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAWN A harsh door buzzer. DUKE jerks awake. Alone. Looking like shit. Around him is the wreckage of their stay. DUKE (V/O) The decision to flee came suddenly. Or maybe not. DUKE opens the door to a BELL BOY with a trolley load of fruit, drinks and flowers... and a smile. BELL BOY Room service! The BELL BOY wheels the trolley across the room -- already stacked with EVEN MORE BOXES OF GOODIES. DUKE (V/O) Maybe I'd planned it all along -- subconsciously waiting for the right moment. The bill was a factor, I think. Because I had no money to pay for it. DUKE slams the door -- starts FRANTICALLY PACKING. DUKE (V/O) Our room service tabs had been running somewhere between $29 and $36 per hour, for forty-eight consecutive hours. Incredible. How could it happen? DUKE sees the DISCARDED WRAPPINGS OF EXPENSIVE, HAND TOOLED LUGGAGE. A sudden thought. He rushes to GONZO's room -- empty. His plastic briefcase remains on the bed... DUKE (V/O) But by the time I asked this question, there was no one around to answer. DUKE opens the briefcase -- finds the .357 MAGNUM inside. 53. DUKE (V/O) My attorney was gone. He must have sensed trouble. QUICK CUT TO: EXT. LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - DAY GONZO WAVES GOODBYE as he boards an airplane with a set of brand-new fine cowhide luggage. DUKE (V/O) Panic. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE emerges with his bag and Gonzo's plastic briefcase -- leaves the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door -- checks both ways, then hurries away down the corridor. DUKE (V/O) It crept up my spine like first rising vibes of an acid frenzy. All these horrible realities began to dawn on me. INT. MINT HOTEL ELEVATOR - DAY An anxiety ridden DUKE watches the floor numbers as the elevator descends. He searches his pockets... DUKE (V/O) Here I was, alone in Las Vegas, with this goddamned incredibly expensive car, completely twisted on drugs, no cash, no story for the magazine. And on top of everything else I had a gigantic goddamn hotel bill to deal with. DUKE finds a last crumpled $5 bill. The door opens. A SECURITY GUARD enters with an OLD LADY IN HANDCUFFS. DUKE hides the bill -- crams back into the corner. Doors close. DUKE (V/O) I didn't even know who had won the race. Maybe nobody. 54. INT. MINT HOTEL LOBBY - DAY DUKE hurries out of the elevator -- eyes on a hovering MANAGER. Past the curious look of the reception CLERK. DUKE (muttering to himself) How would Horatio Alger have handled this situation? EXT. MINT HOTEL - DAY Motoring, DUKE gives his $5 bill to the HOTEL FRONT DOORMAN with a smile. The DOORMAN blows a frantic whistle and waves at the CAR BOY. DUKE (V/O) Stay calm. Stay calm. I'm a relatively respectable citizen -- a multiple felon, perhaps, but certainly not dangerous. The CAR BOY pulls up with a screech. DUKE jumps in. The back seat is stacked with bars of Neutrogena, piles of Mint 400 t-shirts, boxes of grapefruit. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Luckily, I had taken the soap and grapefruit and other luggage out to the car a few hours earlier. Now it was only a matter of slipping the noose... DUKE shifts into drive. Deliverance! CLERK'S VOICE MR. DUKE! DUKE freezes. CLERK'S VOICE Mr. Duke! We've been looking for you! DUKE (V/O) The game was up! They had me. DUKE (to himself) Well, why not? Many fine books have been written in prison. 55. Resigned, DUKE turns off the ignition. A young CLERK arrives breathlessly with a smile and a YELLOW LETTER IN HIS HAND. CLERK Sir? (thrusts out a TELEGRAM) This telegram came for you. Actually, it isn't for you. It's for somebody named Thompson, but it says 'care of Raoul Duke'. does that make sense? DUKE (barely able to speak) Yes... It makes sense. DUKE stuffs the telegram into his top pocket. The CLERK peers into the car -- sees part of the enormous stash inside. CLERK I checked the register for this man Thompson. We don't show him but I figured he might be part of your team. DUKE He is. Don't worry, I'll get it to him. He fires up the engine -- eases the RED SHARK into low gear. SECURITY GUARDS are looking across -- sharing a quiet word or two. CLERK What confused us was Dr. Gonzo's signature on the telegram from Los Angeles. When we knew he was right here in the hotel. DUKE You did the right thing. Never try to understand a press message. About half the time we use codes -- especially with Dr. Gonzo. CLERK Tell me. When will the doctor be awake? 56. DUKE (tenses) Awake? What do you mean? DUKE's eyes are on the SECURITY GUARDS -- moving closer. CLERK (uncomfortably) Well... the manager, Mr. Heem, would like to meet him. Nothing unusual. Mr. Heem likes to meet all our large accounts... put them on a personal basis... just a chat and a handshake, you understand. DUKE Of course. But if I were you, I'd leave the Doctor alone until after he's eaten breakfast. He's a very crude man. DUKE edges the car forward, but is stopped by the CLERK. CLERK But he will be available? Perhaps later this morning? DUKE Look. That telegram was all scrambled. It was actually from Thompson, not to him. Western Union must have gotten the names reversed. I have to get going. I have to get out to the track. CLERK There's no hurry! The race is over! DUKE (taking off) Not for me. He waves the CLERK off the car -- roars away. CLERK Let's have lunch! DUKE Righto! EXT. ROAD OUT OF VEGAS - DAY DUKE drives the RED SHARK out of Vegas. 57. A "YOU ARE LEAVING LAS VEGAS" sign flashes past. Bob Dylan plays: "Memphis Blues Again -- "Aaww, Mama, can this really by the end...?" A sign: LOS ANGELES -- 400 miles. DUKE (V/O) Jesus, bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing -- intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out! The weasels were closing in. I could smell the ugly brutes. Flee! DUKE drives fast. DUKE Do me one last favor Lord: just give me five more high-speed hours before you bring the hammer down; just let me get rid of this goddamn car and off of this horrible desert. A sign flashes "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE." A patrol car pulls out behind him, lights flashing. DUKE (CONT'D) You evil bastard! This is your work! You'd better take care of me, Lord... because if you don't you're going to have me on your hands. The patrol car screams after the RED SHARK. DUKE (V/O) Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a Highway Traffic Cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. DUKE floors the gas pedal. DUKE (V/O) It arouses contempt in the cop heart. THE SPEEDOMETER CLIMBS STEADILY. 58. DUKE (V/O) Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you're about to turn right. DUKE signals right. The RED SHARK screams at 120 mph. DUKE (V/O) This is to let him know you're looking for a proper place to pull off and talk. AN EXIT OFF RAMP: MAX SPEED 25. DUKE hits the brakes. The COP brakes. DUKE (V/O) It will take him a moment to realize that he is about to make 180 degree turn at speed... but you will be ready for it, braced for the G's and the fast heel toe work. The patrol car spins and fishtails crazily out of control. EXT. SCENIC PICNIC AREA - DAY The patrol car comes skidding around the corner. DUKE stands beside the RED SHARK, completely relaxed and smiling. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN gets out of the car, screaming. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Just what the FUCK did you think you were doing?! DUKE smiles. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN May I see your license. DUKE Of course, officer. DUKE reaches for it. And BOTH MEN look down at a beer can -- which DUKE had, somehow, forgotten was in his hand. DUKE (V/O) I knew I was fucked. The COP relaxes -- actually smiles... He reaches out for DUKE's wallet, then holds out his other hand for the beer. 59. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Could I have that, please? DUKE Why not? It was getting warm anyway. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN takes it, pours out the beer -- glances in the back seat of the RED SHARK. Amongst the bars of soap... A case of warm beer. DUKE smiles back at him. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You realize... DUKE Yeah. I know. I'm guilty. I understand that. I knew it was a crime but I did it anyway. Shit, why argue? I'm a fucking criminal. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN That's a strange attitude. He looks at DUKE thoughtfully. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You know -- I get the feeling you could use a nap. There's a rest area up ahead. Why don't you pull over and sleep a few hours? DUKE A nap won't help. I've been awake for too long -- three or four nights. I can't even remember. If I go to sleep now, I'm dead for twenty hours. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN smiles. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Okay. Here's how it is. What goes into my book, as of noon, is that I apprehended you... for driving too fast, and advised you to proceed no further than the next rest area... your stated destination, right? Where you plan to take a long nap. Do I make myself clear? DUKE How far is Baker? I was hoping to stop there for lunch. 60. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Not my jurisdiction. The city limits are two point two miles beyond the rest area. Can you make it that far? DUKE I'll try. I've been wanting to go to Baker for a long time. I've heard a lot about it. The PATROLMAN holds the door for DUKE who gets in. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Excellent seafood. With a mind like yours, you'll probably want to try the land-crab. Try the Majestic Diner. The PATROLMAN slams the door shut. EXT. DESERT ROAD - DAY DUKE drives away -- teeth gritted. DUKE (V/O) I felt raped. The Pig had done me on all fronts, and now he was going off to chuckle about it -- on the west side of town, waiting for me to make a run for L.A. DUKE drives past the rest area to an intersection where he signals to turn right into Baker. As he approaches the turn he sees the HITCHHIKER! As DUKE slows to make the turn their eyes meet. DUKE is about to wave -- but the HITCHHIKER drops his thumb. DUKE Great Jesus, it's him. DUKE, spooked, SPINS THE RED SHARK round -- ROARS BACK THE WAY HE CAME. EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE on the public phone booth -- screaming. DUKE They've nailed me! I'm trapped in some stinking desert crossroads called Baker. I don't have much time. The fuckers are closing in. They'll hunt me down like a beast! 61. INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO sits surrounded by legal papers and law books. Mexican Day of the Dead masks hang from the walls -- flame-red demons. GONZO Who? You sound a little paranoid. EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE screams -- sweat pouring. DUKE You bastard! I need a lawyer immediately! INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO What are you doing in Baker? Didn't you get my telegram? EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE What? Fuck telegrams. I'm in trouble. You worthless bastard. I'll cripple your ass for this! All that shit in the car is yours! You understand that? When I finish testifying out here you'll be disbarred! INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO You're supposed to be in Vegas. We have a suite at the Flamingo. I was just about to leave for the airport. INT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE pulls out the telegram from his top pocket. GONZO'S VOICE You brainless scumbag! You're supposed to be covering the National District Attorney's conference! I made all the reservations... rented a white Cadillac convertible... the whole thing is arranged! What the hell are you doing out there in the middle of the fucking desert? 62. DUKE stares at the telegram. DUKE Never mind. It's all a big joke. I'm actually sitting beside the pool at the Flamingo. I'm talking from a portable phone. Some dwarf brought it out from the casino. I have total credit! Can you grasp that? (shouts) Don't come anywhere near this place! Foreigners aren't welcome here! DUKE, breathing heavily, hangs up phone. EXT. DESERT - DAY C/U of .357 Magnum cylinder being spun. DUKE (V/O) Well. This is how the world works. C/U An IGUANA basks in the sun. DUKE (V/O) All energy flows according to the whims of the Great Magnet. C/U Barrel of the gun. It fires. An explosion of desert dirt. DUKE (V/O) What a fool I was to defy Him. The IGUANA sits unfazed. DUKE (V/O) Never cross the Great Magnet. I understood this now... (another blast from the gun) ... and with understanding came a sense of almost terminal relief. DUKE stands alone in the vast desert firing at nothing, the thuds of the explosions echo away. EXT. ROAD INTO VEGAS - DAY The RED SHARK driving back towards Las Vegas. 63. DUKE (V/O) I had to get rid of The Shark. Too many people might recognize it... ...especially the Vegas Police. (tight C/U of DUKE) Luckily, my credit card was still technically valid. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: DUKE, now driving a white Cadillac Coupe de Ville -- THE WHITE WHALE. DUKE pushes buttons -- lowers the top. DUKE (V/O) This was a superior machine -- ten grand worth of gimmicks and high price special effects. The rear windows leapt up with a touch like frogs in a dynamited pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand. EXT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - AFTERNOON A GIANT SIGN: THE FLAMINGO WELCOMES THE NATIONAL DA'S CONFERENCE ON NARCOTICS & DANGEROUS DRUGS. DUKE (V/O) If the Pigs were gathering in Vegas, I felt the Drug Culture should be represented as well... and there was a certain bent appeal in the notion of running a savage burn on one Las Vegas hotel and then just wheeling across town and checking into another. The WHITE WHALE turns into a VIP parking slot, immediately attended by impressed MINIONS. DUKE (V/O) Me and a thousand ranking cops from all over America. Why not? Move confidently into their midst. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL LOBBY - AFTERNOON DUKE enters -- old Levis, grubby sneakers, 10 peso Acapulco shirt coming apart at the seams, 3 day growth, eyes hidden behind mirror shades. He heads for the check-in line. 64. DUKE (V/O) My arrival was badly timed. THE PLACE IS FULL OF COPS. 200 of them, on vacation, all dressed in cut price Vegas casuals: plaid Bermuda shorts, Arnie Palmer golf shirts, and rubberized beach sandals. Ahead of DUKE -- A POLICE CHIEF argues with the DESK CLERK. The POLICE CHIEF'S AGNEW STYLE WIFE stands to the side, weeping. The POLICE CHIEF'S FRIENDS stand uneasily around. POLICE CHIEF What do you mean I'm too late to register? I'm a police chief. From Michigan. Look, fella, I told you. (waves a POSTCARD) I have a postcard here that says I have reservations in this hotel. CLERK (prissily) I'm sorry, sir. You're on the "late list." Your reservations were transferred to the... ah... Moonlight Motel, which is out on Paradise Boulevard... POLICE CHIEF I've already paid for my goddamn room! CLERK It's actually a very fine place of lodging and only sixteen blocks from here, with its own pool and... POLICE CHIEF You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm tired of listening to this dogshit! FRIENDS restrain the POLICE CHIEF. CLERK (solicitously) I'm so sorry, sir. May I call you a cab? The POLICE CHIEF's screamed insults fade away... DUKE (V/O) Of course, I could hear what the Clerk was really saying... 65. CLERK (IN DUKE'S IMAGINATION) Listen, you fuzzy little shithead -- I've been fucked around, in my time, by a fairly good cross- section of mean-tempered rule-crazy cops and now it's MY turn. "Fuck you, officer, I'm in charge here, and I'm telling you we don't have room for you." DUKE steps to the desk, around the raging POLICE CHIEF. DUKE Say. I hate to interrupt, but I wonder if maybe I could just sort of slide through and get out of your way. Name's Raoul Duke -- Raoul Duke. My attorney made the reservation. DUKE snaps a credit card down onto the counter. EVERYONE goes silent. The POLICE CHIEF GROUP stares at him like he was some kid of water rat crawling up to the desk. The CLERK hits the bell for the BELLBOY. CLERK Certainly, Mr. Duke! DUKE My bags are out there in that white Cadillac convertible. Can you have someone drive it around to the room? ALL EYES turn to the gleaming WHITE WHALE. DUKE Oh, and could I get a quart of Wild Turkey, two fifths of Baccardi, and a night's worth of ice delivered to my room, please? CLERK Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just enjoy your stay. DUKE Well, thank you. DUKE gives the POLICE CHIEF a polite smile -- crosses to the elevator -- turns to face the GAWPING COPS -- pops a can of beer and toasts them. The doors close. 66. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY DUKE rams the key home -- swings the door open. DUKE Ah, home at last! INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - AFTERNOON DUKE enters. The door hits something with a thud. A 16-year-old GIRL with the aura of an angry Pit Bull. GONZO stands in the bathroom doorway -- stark naked with a drug-addled grin on his face. DUKE You degenerate pig! GONZO It can't be helped. This is Lucy. (laughing distractedly) You know--like "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds." LUCY eyes DUKE venomously. GONZO Lucy! Lucy, be cool, goddamnit! Remember what happened at the airport! No more of that, okay? LUCY keeps her eyes on DUKE. GONZO idles over and puts his arm round her shoulder. GONZO Lucy... this is my client. This is Mr. Duke, the famous journalist. He's paying for this suite, Lucy. He's on our side. DUKE flops onto the sofa. GONZO Mr. Duke is my friend. He loves artists. DUKE notices for the first time that the room is full of artwork. Maybe 40 or 50 portraits, some in oil, some in charcoal, all more or less the same size and same face. GONZO Lucy paints portraits of Barbra Streisand. 67. LUCY I drew these from TV. GONZO Fantastic. She came all the way down here from Montana just to give these portraits to Barbra. We're going over to the Americana Hotel tonight to meet her backstage... DUKE's voice rises above GONZO. DUKE (V/O) I desperately needed peace, rest, sanctuary. I hadn't counted on this. Finding my attorney on acid and locked into some kind of preternatural courtship. DUKE Well, I guess they brought the car round by now. LET'S GET THE STUFF OUT OF THE TRUNK. DUKE fixes GONZO hard. GONZO Absolutely, LET'S GET THE STUFF. (to LUCY) Now, we'll be right back. Don't answer the phone if it rings. LUCY (makes one-fingered Jesus freak sign) God bless. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY DUKE collars GONZO -- serious. DUKE WELL? What are your plans? GONZO Plans? DUKE Lucy. 68. GONZO (struggling to focus) Shit. I met her on the plane and I had all that acid. (he shrugs) You know, those little blue barrels. I gave her a cap before I realized... she's a religious freak... Jesus, she's never even had a drink. DUKE Well... It'll probably work out. We can keep her loaded and peddle her ass at the drug convention. GONZO stares uneasily at DUKE. GONZO Listen, she's running away from home for something like the fifth time in six months. It's terrible. DUKE She's perfect for this gig. These cops will go fifty bucks a head to beat her into submission and then gang fuck her. We can set her up in one of these back street motels, hang pictures of Jesus all over the room, then turn these pigs loose on her... Hell she's strong; she'll hold her own. GONZO's face twitches badly. GONZO Jesus Christ. I knew you were sick but I never expected to hear you actually say that kind of stuff. DUKE It's straight economics. This girl is a god-send. Shit, she can make us a grand a day. GONZO NO! Stop talking like that. DUKE I figure she can do about four at a time. Christ, if we keep her full of acid that's more like two grand a day. Maybe three. 69. GONZO You filthy bastard. I should cave your fucking head in. DUKE In a few hours, she'll probably be sane enough to work herself into a towering Jesus-based rage at the hazy recollection of being seduced by some kind of cruel Samoan who fed her liquor and LSD, dragged her to a Vegas hotel room and savagely penetrated every orifice in her body with his throbbing, uncircumcised member. GONZO starts crying. GONZO NO! I felt sorry for the girl, I wanted to help her! DUKE You'll go straight to the gas chamber. And even if you manage to beat that, they'll send you back to Nevada for Rape and Consensual Sodomy. She's got to go. Pause. GONZO Shit, it doesn't pay to try to help somebody these days. A silence. DUKE (V/O) The only alternative was to take her out to the desert and feed her remains to the lizards. But, it seemed a bit heavy for the thing we were trying to protect: My attorney. GONZO We have to cut her loose. She's got two hundred dollars. And we can always call the cops up there in Montana, where she lives, and turn her in. DUKE What?... What kind of goddamn monster are you? 70. GONZO It just occurred to me, that she has no witnesses. Anything that she says about us is completely worthless. DUKE Us? INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - SUNSET DUKE is speaking into the phone in hushed tones. DUKE Hotel Americana? I need a reservation. For my niece. Listen, I need her treated very gently. She's an artist, and might seem a trifle highstrung... In the background GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings out the door. GONZO Okay, Lucy, it's time to go meet Barbra... DUKE (V/O) I felt like a Nazi, but it had to be done. EXT. ON THE STREETS - A CAB STAND - DUSK The WHITE WHALE pulls up -- DUKE at the wheel. GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings from the car. DUKE (V/O) Lucy was a potentially fatal millstone on both our necks. There was absolutely no choice but to cut her adrift and hope her memory was fucked. GONZO unrolls a couple of bills -- pays off a CAB DRIVER -- waves to LUCY in the back with her paintings. She's starting to come down... GONZO gets back in the WHITE WHALE and slaps his hands together as if washing his hands of the situation. GONZO Well that's that. Take off slowly. Don't attract attention. 71. They pull out into traffic. EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - DUSK GONZO I gave the cabbie an extra ten bucks to make sure she gets there safe. Also, I told him I'd be there myself in an hour, and if she wasn't, I'd come back out here and rip his lungs out. DUKE That's good. You can't be subtle in this town. GONZO As your attorney, I advise you to tell me where you put the goddamn mescaline. DUKE Maybe we should take it easy tonight. GONZO Right. Let's find a good seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon. I feel a powerful lust for red salmon... The electric WHITE WHALE heads off down the Strip. The sun's going down behind the scrub hills, a good Kristofferson tune croaks on the radio in the warm dusk. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - BATHROOM - NEXT MORNING GONZO throws up in the toilet bowl. In the background, DUKE opens curtains. Daylight blinds him. DUKE Come on, we're going to be late. GONZO looks up at his sick reflection -- wipes his mouth with a towel. GONZO This goddamn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure? Maybe mix it up with Rolaids or something. 72. INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - DAY EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR (crackling and booming over the lousy sound system) On behalf of the prosecuting attorneys of this county, I welcome you to the Third National DA's Conference on Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. The EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR -- well groomed, GOP businessman type -- speaks from the podium. A banner behind him reads: NATIONAL DA'S CONVENTION 1971. "If You Don't Know, Come To Learn... If You Know, Come To Teach." A BIG MIXED CROWD: TOP LEVEL STRAIGHT COPS, UNDERCOVER NARCS AND OTHER TWILIGHT TYPES -- beards, mustaches and super-Mod dress. Just because you're a cop, doesn't mean you can't be WITH IT! However, for every URBAN-HIPSTER there are around 20 REDNECKS. A dozen big, low-fidelity speakers mounted on steel poles distort and feed back the EXECUTIVE's voice through the room. At the back, under a loudspeaker, sits DUKE -- $40 FBI wingtips, a Pat Boone madras sportcoat, and an official name tag: RAOUL DUKE, PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, L.A. GONZO sits beside him. His name tag: DR. GONZO. EXPERT, CRIMINAL DRUG ANALYSIS. He's nervous -- close to the edge. GONZO (lowers his voice) I saw these bastards in Easy Rider, but I didn't believe they were real. Not like this. Not hundreds of them! DUKE They're actually nice people when you get to know them. GONZO Man, I know these people in my goddamn blood! DUKE Don't mention that word around here. You'll get them excited. GONZO This is a fucking nightmare. 73. DUKE Right. Sure as hell some dope- dealing bomb freak is going to recognize you and put the word out that you're partying with a thousand cops. COP IN BACK SSSSHHH! DR. BLUMQUIST -- a "drug expert" -- takes the stage. DR. BLUMQUIST We must come to terms with the Drug Culture in the country... country... country... The sound systems echoes. DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D) The reefer butt is called a "roach," because it resembles a cockroach... cockroach... cockroach... GONZO (whispers) What the fuck are these people talking about? You'd have to be crazy on acid to think a joint looked like a goddamn cockroach! DUKE (V/O) It was clear that we had stumbled into a prehistoric gathering. DR. BLUMQUIST Now, there are four states of being in the cannabis, or marijuana, society: Cool, Groovy, Hip, and Square. The square is seldom if ever cool. He is not "with it," that is, he doesn't know "what's happening." But if he manages to figure it out, he moves up a notch to "hip." DUKE and GONZO listen in disbelief. DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D) And if he can bring himself to approve of what is happening, he becomes "groovy." After that, with much luck and perseverance, he can rise to the rank of "cool." A cool guy... cool guy... cool guy... 74. COP IN BACK Dr. Bloomquist, do you think the anthropologist, Margaret Mead's strange behavior of late might possibly be explained by a private marijuana addiction? DR. BLUMQUIST I really don't know, but at her age, if she did smoke grass, she'd have one hell of a trip! Roars of laughter. GONZO I know a hell of a lot better ways to waste my time than listening to this bullshit. He stands, knocking the ashtray off his chair arm, and plunges down the aisle to the door. COP IN BACK Down in front! GONZO Fuck you! I have to get out! I don't belong here! COP IN BACK Good riddance! He stumbles from the room. DUKE turns his attention back to the stage. The lights go down. A black & white film -- REEFER MADNESS! -- illustrates his now evangelical talk. FILM NARRATOR KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND! YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension... DUKE turns his attention to a 340 pound TEXAN POLICE CHIEF who necks with his 290 pound WIFE beside him. FILM NARRATOR ... and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim... 75. DUKE gazes at the TEXAN and his WIFE. -- Feigning sickness, he gets up, hand over mouth. DUKE Pardon me, I feel sick. FILM NARRATOR He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command -- including yours... DUKE heads for the exit. DUKE Sorry, sick... Beg pardon! Feeling sick... FILM NARRATOR BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time [on him] will usually save nine on you. DUKE CRASHES OUT THROUGH THE DOOR. INT. CASINO BAR - DAY DUKE sees GONZO at the bar -- talking to a SPORTY LOOKING COP about 40 whose name tag identifies him as a DISTRICT ATTORNEY FROM GEORGIA. DA I'm a whiskey man myself. We don't have much trouble from drugs where I come from... GONZO You will. One of these nights you'll wake up and find a junkie tearing your bedroom apart. DA Naw! GONZO They'll climb right into your bedroom and sit on your chest with big Bowie knives. They might even sit on your wife's chest. Put the blade right down on her throat. 76. DA Not down in my parts. DUKE joins them. DUKE (to WAITRESS) Rum and ice, please. DA (looks at DUKE'S NAME TAG) You're another one of these California boys. Your friend here's been tellin' us about dope fiends. DUKE They're everywhere. Nobody's safe. And sure as hell not in the South. They like warm weather... You'd never believe it. In L.A. it's out of control. First it was drugs, now it's witchcraft. DA Witchcraft? Shit, you can't mean it! The BARTENDER cleans his glasses, one ear straining for the conversation. GONZO Read the newspapers. DUKE Man, you don't know trouble until you have to face down a bunch of these addicts gone crazy for human sacrifice! DA Naw! That's science fiction stuff! DUKE Not where we operate. GONZO Hell, in Malibu alone, these goddamn Satan worshippers kill six or eight people every day. All they want is the blood. They'll take people right off the street if they have to. 77. DUKE Just the other day we had a case where they grabbed a girl right out of a McDonald's hamburger stand. She was a waitress, about sixteen years old... with a lot of people watching, too! The BARTENDER keeps cleaning the same glass -- more and more furiously. DA What happened? What did they do to her? GONZO Do? Jesus Christ, man. They chopped her goddamn head off right there in the parking lot! Then they cut all kinds of holes in her head and sucked out the blood! DA (DA ad-libs a summation of the crime) And nobody did anything? DUKE What could they do? The guy that took the head was about six-seven, and maybe three-hundred pounds. He was packing two Lugers, and the others had M-16s. GONZO They just ran back out into Death Valley -- you know, where Manson turned up... DUKE Like big lizards. GONZO ... and every one of them stacked naked... DA Naked!? DUKE Naked. 78. GONZO Yeh, naked!... except for the weapons. DUKE They were all veterans. DA Veterans?!!!? Agog with the horrors of the story, the BARTENDER polishes the glass -- faster and faster... GONZO Yeh. The big guy used to be a major in the Marines. DA A major! GONZO We know where he lives, but we can't get near the house. DA Naw! Not a major. GONZO He wanted the pineal gland. DA Really? GONZO That's how he got so big. When he quit the Marines he was just a little guy. DUKE Usually, it's whole families. During the night. Most of them don't even wake up until they feel their heads going -- and then, of course, it's too late. The glass smashes in the BARTENDER's hand. DUKE (CONT'D) Happens every day. DUKE turns to a WAITRESS with a warm smile. 79. DUKE (CONT'D) Three more rums. Plenty of ice. Maybe a handful of lime chunks. WAITRESS Are you guys with the police convention upstairs? DA We sure are, Miss. WAITRESS I thought so. I never heard that kind of talk around here before. Jesus Christ! How do you guys stand that kind of work? GONZO (grinning) We like it. It's groovy. The WAITRESS stares -- sickened -- at GONZO. DUKE What's wrong with you? Hell, somebody has to do it. GONZO Hurry up with those drinks. We're thirsty. Only two rums. Make mine a Bloody Mary. DA (whacks his fist on the bar) Hell, I really hate to hear this. Because everything that happens in California seems to get down our way, sooner or later. Mostly Atlanta. But that was back when the goddamn bastards were peaceful. All we had to do was to keep 'em under surveillance. They didn't roam around much... But now Jesus, it seems nobody's safe. GONZO (with a conspiratorial nod) You're going to need to take the bull by the horns -- go to the mat with this scum. 80. DA What do you mean by that? GONZO You know what I mean. We've done it before and we can damn well do it again! DUKE Cut their goddamn heads off. Every one of them. That's what we're doing in California. DA (stupefied) WHAT? GONZO Sure. It's all on the Q.T., but everybody who matters is with us all the way down the line. DUKE We keep it quiet. It's not the kind of thing you'd want to talk about upstairs. Not with the press around. DA (recovering slightly) Hell, no. We'd never hear the goddamn end of it. DUKE Dobermans don't talk. DA What? GONZO Sometimes it's easier to just rip out the backstraps. DUKE They'll fight like hell if you try to take the head without the dogs. DA God almighty! (muttering in a daze) I don't think I should tell my wife about this. She'd never understand. You know how women are. 81. DUKE gives the DA a brotherly slap on the back. DUKE Just be thankful your heart is young and strong. DUKE and GONZO leave the stunned DA -- staring into the swirling ice in drink. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY DUKE and GONZO fall into the suite in fits of laughter. GONZO feels the nausea rise suddenly -- heads for the bathroom. Immediate sounds of retching. The phone message light is blinking. DUKE opens a beer, picks up the phone. DUKE What's the message? My light is blinking. CLERK (V/O) Ah, yes. Mr. Duke? You have one message: "Call Lucy at the Americana Hotel, room 1600." DUKE Holy shit! DUKE slams the phone down. GONZO emerges from the bathroom -- looking like death. DUKE Lucy called. GONZO sags visibly -- like an animal taking a bullet. GONZO What? The telephone rings. DUKE answers. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - RECEPTION - DAY A worried CLERK speaks in to the phone. CLERK Mr. Duke? Hello, Mr. Duke, I'm sorry we were cut off a moment ago... I thought I should call again, because I was wondering... 82. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE WHAT? (hand over the PHONE) What was that crazy bitch said to him? (screams) There's a war on, man! People are being killed! CLERK (V/O) Killed? DUKE IN VIETNAM! ON THE GODDAMN TELEVISION! CLERK (V/O) Oh... yes... yes... This terrible war. When will it end? DUKE Tell me. What do you want? In the background GONZO is upturning a sofa to retrieve his stash from the lining. CLERK (V/O) The woman who left that message for you sounded very disturbed. I think she was crying... DUKE Crying? Why was she crying? CLERK (V/O) Well, uh. She didn't say Mr. Duke. But since I know you're here with the Police Convention... DUKE Look, you want to be gentle with that woman if she ever calls again. We're watching her very carefully... this woman has been into laudanum. It's a controlled experiment, but I suspect we'll need your cooperation before this thing is over. CLERK (V/O) (hesitantly) Well, certainly... We're always happy to cooperate with the police... 83. DUKE Don't worry. You're protected. Just treat this poor woman like you'd treat any other human being in trouble. CLERK (V/O) What? Ah... yes, yes, I see what you mean... Yes... so, you'll be responsible then? DUKE Of course. And now I have to get back to the news. Send up some ice. He hangs up. GONZO zaps TV channels -- commercials. GONZO Good work. They'll treat us like goddamn lepers after that. DUKE (slowly, carefully) Lucy is looking for you. GONZO (laughing) No, she's looking for you. DUKE Me? GONZO She really flipped over you. The only way I could get rid of her was by saying you were taking me out to the desert for a showdown -- that you wanted me out of the way so you could have her all to yourself. (laughing again) I guess she figures you won. That phone message wasn't for me, was it? A look of stunned realization from DUKE... INT. FANTASY COURT ROOM - DAY LUCY is on the witness stand. LUCY Yessir, those two men in the dock are the ones who gave me the LSD and took me to the hotel. 84. A doomed DUKE and GONZO await their fate. LUCY I don't know for sure what they done to me, but I remember it was horrible. JUDGE Twenty years... and Double Castration! The JUDGE bangs his gavel. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY DUKE is madly stuffing his suitcase. GONZO Wait! You can't leave me alone in this snake pit. This room is in my name. DUKE KEEPS PACKING. GONZO is looking worried. GONZO OK, goddamnit!... Look... I'll call her. I'll get her off our backs. You're right. She's my problem. DUKE It's gone too far. GONZO Relax. Let me handle this. (dials the PHONE, snaps angrily at DUKE) You'd make a piss-poor lawyer. ...Room 1600, please. (to DUKE) As your attorney, I advise you not to worry. (nods towards bathroom) Take a hit out of that little brown bottle in my shaving kit. DUKE goes in the bathroom. He finds a little bottle -- a label: "DRINK ME." DUKE What is this? 85. GONZO You won't need much. Just a little tiny taste, that stuff makes pure mescaline seem like ginger-beer. Adrenochrome. DUKE stares wonderingly at the bottle. DUKE Adrenochrome... GONZO (into PHONE) Hi, Lucy? Yeah, it's me. I got your message...what? Hell, no, I taught the bastard a lesson he'll never forget... what? No, not dead, but he won't be bothering anybody for a while. Yeah. I left him out there, I stomped him, then pulled all his teeth out... DUKE (V/O) I remember thinking, "Jesus, what a terrible thing to lay on somebody with a head full of acid." DUKE dips a match head into the brown bottle -- studies it -- TASTES IT -- NOTHING -- TASTES SOME MORE... GONZO (to PHONE) But here's the problem. That bastard cashed a bad check downstairs and gave you as a reference. They'll be looking for both of you. Yeah, I know, but you can't judge a book by its cover, Lucy. Some people are just basically rotten... Anyway, the last thing you want to do is call this hotel again; they'll trace the call and put you straight behind bars... no, I'm moving to the Tropicana right away. I have to go, they've got the phone tapped. Yeah, I know, it was horrible, but it's all over now... OH MY GOD! THEY'RE KICKING THE DOOR DOWN! (throws the PHONE down; shouts) No! Get away from me! I'm innocent! It was Duke! I swear to God! (MORE) 86. GONZO (CONT'D) (stomps the PHONE; moans) No, I don't know where she is. You'll never catch Lucy! She's gone! I swear, I don't know where she is! DON'T PUT THAT THING ON ME! (slams the PHONE down) GONZO sits back in his chair... watching MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. GONZO Well. That's that. She's probably stuffing herself down the incinerator about now. That's the last we should be hearing from Lucy. (fumbling with the hash pipe) Where's the opium? DUKE stares at the back of GONZO's neck. SOMETHING VERY STRANGE IS HAPPENING TO HIM... DUKE (V/O) I remember slumping on the bed, his performance had given me a bad jolt. For a moment I thought his mind had snapped -- that he actually believed he was being attacked by invisible enemies. But the room was quiet again. DUKE CLUTCHES THE BROWN BOTTLE. DUKE Where'd you get this? GONZO Never mind, it's absolutely pure. DUKE Jesus... what kind of monster client have you picked up this time? There's only one source for this stuff -- the adrenaline gland from a living human body! GONZO turns to smile at DUKE. 87. GONZO I know, but the guy didn't have any cash to pay me. He's one of these Satanism freaks. He offered me human blood -- said it would take me higher than I've ever been in my life. (laughs -- struts round DUKE -- eyes bright with expectation) I thought he was kidding, so I told him I'd just as soon have an ounce or so of pure adrenochrome -- or maybe just a fresh adrenaline gland to chew on. DUKE (V/O) I could already feel the stuff working on me -- the first wave felt like a combination of mescaline and methedrine -- maybe I should take a swim, I thought... DUKE sees that GONZO is TOYING WITH HIS HUNTING KNIFE... GONZO Yeah, they nailed this guy for child molesting. He swore he didn't do it. "Why should I fuck with children?" he says. "They're too small." Christ, werewolf is entitled to legal counsel. I didn't dare turn the creep down. He might have picked up a letter opener and gone after my pineal gland! GONZO JABS WITH THE RAZOR BRIGHT KNIFE. DUKE'S BODY IS GOING RIGID -- HE SPEAKS THROUGH GRITTED TEETH. DUKE Why not? We should get some of that. Just eat a big handful and see what happens. GONZO Some of what? DUKE (spitting words) Extract of pineal! 88. GONZO (STARING AT DUKE WITH A STRANGE SMILE) Sure. That's a good idea. One whiff of that shit would turn you into something out of a goddamn medical encyclopedia. GONZO GROWS HORNS -- HIS FACE BECOMES A MEXICAN DEMON MASK. GONZO Man, your head would swell up like a watermelon, you'd probably gain about a hundred pounds in two hours... A CLOVEN HOOF BURSTS THROUGH GONZO'S SHOE. DUKE Right! GONZO ... grow claws... bleeding warts. GONZO'S CHEST EXPANDS -- BONY RIBS BURSTING HIS SHIRT. DUKE Yes! GONZO ... then you'd notice about six huge hairy tits swelling up on your back... A TAIL LASHES, HOOFS STRIKE THE FLOOR. GONZO TOWERS -- A FLAME RED DEMON! DUKE Fantastic! DUKE is now so wire that his hands are CLAWING UNCONTROLLABLY at the bedspread, JERKING IT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER HIM. His heels are dug into the mattress with both KNEES LOCKED, EYEBALLS SWELLING. GONZO-DEMON LOOMS AGAINST THE CEILING. GONZO you'd go blind... your body would turn to wax... they'd have to put you in a wheelbarrow and... GONZO'S VOICE FADES AWAY -- DUKE'S frenzied gaze reveals GONZO REVERTED TO NORMAL HUMAN SHAPE AND SIZE. 89. GONZO Man I'll try about anything; but I'd never touch a pineal gland. DUKE FINISH THE FUCKING STORY! What happened?! What about the glands? GONZO, a small smile on his lips, backs away warily... towards the TV -- NOW A HUNDRED FEET AWAY IN THE DISTANCE... GONZO Jesus, that stuff got right on top of you, didn't it. VEINS stand out on DUKE's forehead. He is purplish-red. OVER THE TOP! Too late, he realizes he is NEAR DEATH! DUKE Maybe you could just... shove me into the pool, or something... GONZO shakes his head disgustedly. GONZO If I put you in the pool right now, you'd sink like a goddamn stone. You took too much. Jesus, look at your face, you're about to explode. GONZO sits back down... watching the TV. GONZO Don't try and fight it, or you'll get brain bubbles. Strokes, aneurysms. You'll just wither up and die. DUKE FALLS TO THE GROUND, WRITHING, CATATONIC, SINKING INTO PARALYSIS. AND THE SOUND, SUDDENLY AND STRANGELY, OF THE VOICE OF RICHARD NIXON AND HIS DISTORTED FACE ON THE TV SCREEN. NIXON Sacrifice... sacrifice... sacrifice... DUKE PASSES OUT. BLACK SCREEN 90. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Darkness. Insanely, somewhere NILSSON plays -- "Put the lime in the coconut and mix em all up..." DUKE (V/O) What kind of rat-bastard psychotic would play that song -- right now, at this moment? DUKE opens his eyes and the hotel suite rushes in. He lies, awkwardly twisted -- unable to move. He could have been there days -- months. DUKE (V/O) When I came to the general back alley ambiance of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? Hours? Days? Months? All these signs of violence. What had happened? DUKE moves his eyes -- taking in his surroundings: Like THE SIGHT OF SOME DISASTROUS ZOOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT involving whisky and gorillas. Blue and red Christmas tree lights replace lightbulbs, used towels hanging everywhere, pornographic pictures ripped out of a magazine are plastered on a shattered mirror. DUKE (V/O) There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of drug known to civilized man since 1544 AD. DUKE manages to move -- stiffly gets to his bare feet -- HOBBLES ROUND THE TRASHED ROOM like a newly risen ape. DUKE (V/O) But what kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries? These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau? Maybe so, but then why all this booze? And these crude pornographic photos smeared with mustard that had dried to a hard yellow crust... DUKE peers into Gonzo's room -- HIS BED LIKE A BURNED OUT RAT'S NEST -- blackened springs and wires. 91. DUKE (V/O) These were not the hoof prints of your normal god-fearing junkie. It was too savage, too aggressive. QUICK FLASHBACK: GONZO SMASHES THE TEN FOOT MIRROR WITH A HAMMER: BACK IN THE ROOM: DUKE stares at the smashed mirror. DUKE (V/O) Grim memories and bad flashbacks. In the bathroom, DUKE'S unlaced boots CRUSH BROKEN GLASS IN VOMIT AND GRAPEFRUIT RINDS. DUKE unzips and pisses. THERE IN THE TOILET BOWL IS THE MAGNUM .357! DUKE (V/O) Something ugly had happened. I was sure of it... DUKE stares at the golden stream SPLASHING ON THE GUN. The SOUNDS OF VOMITING come from a closet near the front door. DUKE looks into the room. He sees GONZO's ass sticking out of the closet. He opens his mouth to speak when, IN THE SMASHED MIRROR HE SEES THE FRAGMENTED REFLECTION OF HIMSELF... sleeping on the sofa. The ominous SOUND OF A KEY TURNING in the room lock. A hellish scream wakes up the SLEEPING DUKE. He sees GONZO grappling naked with the maid -- gun to her head. GONZO is muffling her screams with an ice bag. MAID Please... please... I'm only the maid. I didn't mean nothin!... DUKE (jumps up from the bed, flashing his press badge) YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! 92. GONZO (to DUKE) She must have used a pass key. I was polishing my shoes in the closet when I noticed her sneaking in-so I took her. DUKE shakes his head. DUKE (barks at the MAID) What made you do it? Who paid you off? MAID Nobody. I'm the maid! GONZO You're lying! You were after the evidence. Who put you up to this -- the manager? MAID I don't know what you're talking about! GONZO Bullshit! You're just as much a part of it as they are! MAID Part of what? DUKE The dope ring. You must know what's going on in this hotel. Why do you think we're here? MAID (blubbering) I know you're cops, but I thought you were just here for that convention. I swear! All I wanted to do was clean up the room. I don't know anything about dope! GONZO laughs. GONZO Come on, baby don't try to tell us you never heard of the Grange Gorman. 93. MAID No! No! I swear to Jesus I never heard of that stuff! DUKE Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe she's not part of it. MAID No! I swear I'm not! GONZO (long pause) In that case, maybe she can help. MAID Yes! I'll help you all you need! I hate dope! DUKE So do we, lady. GONZO (helping her up) I think we should put her on the payroll. See what she comes up with. DUKE Do you think you can handle it? MAID What? GONZO One phone call every day. Just tell us what you've seen. Don't worry if it doesn't add up, that's our problem. GONZO hustles the MAID to the door. MAID You'd pay me for that? DUKE You're damn right. But the first time you say anything about this, to anybody -- you'll go straight to prison for the rest of your life. What's your name? MAID Alice. Just ring Linen Service and ask for Alice. 94. GONZO Alright, Alice... you'll be contacted by Inspector Rock. Arthur Rock. He'll be posing as a politician. DUKE Inspector Rock will pay you. In cash. A thousand dollars on the ninth of every month. MAID Oh Lord! I'd do just about anything for that! GONZO You and a lot of other people. DUKE The password is: "One Hand Washes The Other." The minute you hear that, you say "I fear nothing." MAID I fear nothing. She repeats the password several times while they listen to make sure she has it right. GONZO Oh, and don't bother to make up the room. That way we won't have to risk another of these little incidents, will we? MAID Whatever you say, gentlemen. I can't tell you how sorry I am about what happened... GONZO Don't worry, it's all over now. Thank God for the decent people. She smiles, repeating to herself "One Hand Washes The Other" as GONZO hangs the DO NOT DISTURB sign and shuts the door. CUT BACK TO THE PRESENT. A grimy tape runs through a grunged-up portable tape recorder. GONZO ON TAPE ... Thank God for the decent people. 95. DUKE sits in the middle of the wrecked suite with his mangled tape recorder in front of him. DUKE (V/O) Memories of that night are extremely hazy... DUKE fast forwards through the tape -- SEARCHING: "Awwww, mama... can this really...be the end...?" EXT. SAFEWAY SUPERMARKET - DAY The WHITE WHALE waits -- gleaming -- beautiful. DUKE (V/O) There is a definite obligation, when you boom around Vegas in a white Coupe de Ville, to maintain a certain style. DUKE and GONZO burst out of the supermarket riding a shopping basket loaded with COCONUTS, GRAPEFRUIT and TEQUILA. They send DEFEATED SHOPPERS sprawling. The trolley collides into the WHITE WHALE. SHOPPERS gather at the supermarket entrance to watch -- baskets loaded with junk, SCREAMING KIDS and EMPTY WALLETS. DUKE switches on the music: JUMPING JACK FLASH. He selects a coconut -- ceremonially balances it on the hood. GONZO pulls out a silver claw-hammer. A sly look at the gathering CROWD... then he smashes the hammer down on the coconut! A GASP from the surly SHOPPERS. DUKE places another coconut. SMASH! Milk and white meat flies everywhere. SHOPPER #1 Hey! Is that your car? DUKE Sure is. SMASH! Coconut fragments fly. DUKE Any of you folks want the milk? We're after the meat. This is honest coconut essence. Real meat. SMASH! 96. SHOPPER #2 Meat, hell! Look what you're doing to that car! GONZO Fuck the car. They should make these things with a goddamn FM radio. SMASH! DUKE Yeh... This foreign made crap -- is sucking our dollar balance dry! SHOPPER #3 Someone should stop them! SMASH! DUKE You poor fools don't understand, do you? This car is the property of the World Bank! That money goes to ITALY! SHOPPER #3 Somebody should call the police! GONZO Police? Are you people crazy? GONZO confronts the CROWD, hammer in one hand, a coconut in the other. GONZO (CONT'D) You folks every heard of ole Patrick Henry? Know what he said?! Silence -- the CROWD uncomprehending of this STONE DEGENERATE. GONZO (CONT'D) (ROARS) GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH! GONZO brings the hammer down on the hood. CLANG! A gasp from the CROWD. Getting ugly. GONZO (CONT'D) In Samoa we LOVE THE CONSTITUTION! SHOPPER #3 Bullshit. 97. The CROWD move in. SHOPPER #1 Call the goddamn police! GONZO SWINGS THE HAMMER. CLANG! SHOPPER #4 Look what they've done to that beautiful car! DUKE jumps in behind the wheel. DUKE This crowd is not rational. They can't relate to us. Let's go! A final CLANG! GONZO jumps in. DUKE floors the accelerator -- screams at the CROWD. DUKE You people voted for Hubert Humphrey! You killed Jesus! They swerve round and through the CROWD. DUKE (V/O) The crowd broke ranks. Nobody wants to be run over by a Coupe de Ville. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - NIGHT DUKE FAST-FORWARDS... PLAYS THE TAPE... VOICE ON TAPE You found the American Dream? In this town? DUKE ON TAPE We're sitting on the main nerve right now... INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO (wearing a single black glove) talk conspiratorially to a 3RD MAN. A PLACID ORANGUTAN in a bow tie sits next to him. THE BAR IS REVOLVING FASTER THAN NORMAL. DUKE IS INSANELY TALKATIVE -- WIRED! 98. DUKE The manager told me a story about the owner of this place...about how he always wanted to run away and join the circus when he was a kid. Well, now the bastard has his own circus, and a license to steal, too. 3RD MAN You're right -- he's the model. DUKE Absolutely! Pure Horatio Alger... Say... INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE playing the tape. DUKE ON TAPE ... how much do you think he'd take for the ape? DUKE fast-forwards again -- searching... TRAFFIC NOISES. SCREECH OF BRAKES. VOICE ON TAPE Holy God!... A TERRIBLE GRINDING NOISE. EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT RENTAL AGENT Holy God!, how did this happen? DUKE They beat the shit out of it. RENTAL AGENT The top's completely jammed! The CAR RENTAL AGENT wrestles with the trashed car. DUKE Yeah, something's wrong with the motor... INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE ON TAPE ... The generator light's been on red ever since I drove the thing into Lake Mead on a water test... 99. A HUGE SPLASH... The tape's gone too far. DUKE No, no. Shit... DUKE races the tape BACKWARDS... Then, SIRENS HOWL. DUKE ON TAPE Where's the ape? I'm ready to write a check. INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS BAR - NIGHT DUKE is standing in the middle of A SEMI-DESTROYED BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING BAR. Mirrors are broken. People are recovering from some kind of battle. THE BAR SPINS MADLY. DUKE IS INSANELY WIRED. 3RD MAN Forget it, he just attacked an old man... he took a bite out of the bartender's head! The cops took the ape away. DUKE Goddamnit! What's the bail? I want that ape! I've already reserved two first-class seats on the plane. DUKE (V/O) There was every reason to believe that we had been heading for trouble, that we'd pushed our luck a bit far... INT. WHITE WHALE ON THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT GONZO SCREAMS ABUSE out of the window at a Ford alongside the VOMIT STREAKED WHITE WHALE. DUKE MAKES A SUPERHUMAN EFFORT TO STAY ON THE ROAD. GONZO Hey there! You folks want to buy some heroin? In the Ford: TWO COUPLES -- MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN FACES FROZEN IN SHOCK -- stare straight ahead. GONZO leans out -- close to them. 100. GONZO Hey, honkies! Goddamnit, I'm serious. I want to sell you some pure fucking smack! No reaction. GONZO Cheap heroin! This is the real stuff! You won't get hooked. I just got back from Vietnam! This is scag, folks. Pure scag! The lights change. The Ford bolts. DUKE keeps pace with them. GONZO Shoot! Fuck! Scag! Blood! Heroin! Rape! Cheap! Communist! Jab it right in your fucking eyeballs! The MAN IN THE BACK SEAT suddenly loses control -- enraged, lunges against the glass, trying to get at GONZO. MAN IN CAR You dirty bastards! Pull over and I'll kill you! God damn you! You bastards! INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT BACK IN THE SUITE: The tapes runs: MAN IN CAR ON TAPE You dirty bastards! An ugly squeal of brakes. GONZO ON TAPE Shit, he was trying to bite me! I shoulda maced the fucker! DUKE fast forwards the tape. The TAPE MANGLES -- the sounds ski to a halt... DUKE grabs the nearest tool -- uses it to hook out the tape, then realizes... IT'S GONZO'S RAZOR-SHARP FOLDING KNIFE... A CHILLING MOMENT... DUKE turns the knife over... THERE'S A DRIED CRIMSON SPOT ON THE BLADE... OR IS IT DRIED MASHED POTATOES? 101. READ ON TO FIND OUT! DUKE (remembering) Back door beauty! DUKE (V/O) The mentality of Las Vegas is so grossly atavistic that a really massive crime often slips by unrecognized. DUKE SCRAPS A LITTLE OF THE CRUST -- TASTES IT... DUKE (V/O CONT'D) The possibility of physical and mental collapse is very real... No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride... HE HEARS THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE BEHIND BEATEN UP... VOICE OFF Shit! Faggot! Bastard! EXT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT WHACK! SHADOWY FIGURES beat up a MAN -- give him A GOOD KICKING. BRUTAL AND UGLY. DUKE (V/O) North Vegas is where you go when you've fucked up once too often on The Strip and when you're not even welcome in the cut-rate Downtown places. PAN to reveal a seedy diner -- THE NORTH STAR CAFE in the background. Through the window -- DUKE and GONZO sit at the counter. INT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT DUKE (V/O) The North Star Coffee Lounge seemed like a fairly safe haven from our storms. No hassles, no talk. Just a place to rest and regroup. I wasn't even hungry. GONZO stuffs a hamburger down PAYING NO ATTENTION TO THE BEATING going on outside the window. Duke reads a newspaper. 102. DUKE (V/O) There was nothing in the atmosphere of the North Star to put me on my guard... GONZO (to WAITRESS) Two glasses of ice water with ice. The WAITRESS brings the ice water. DUKE (V/O) She looked like a burnt out caricature of Jane Russell. She was definitely in charge here... GONZO gulps down his glass of water and hands her a napkin. DUKE (V/O) He did it very casually, but I knew that our peace was about to be shattered. DUKE What was that? GONZO shrugs. The WAITRESS stands at the end of the counter with her back to them while she ponders the napkin... She turns. WAITRESS What is this? GONZO A napkin. THE WAITRESS slams the napkin down on the counter. WAITRESS Don't give me that bullshit! I know what it means! You goddamn fat pimp bastard. GONZO That's the name of a horse I used to own. What's wrong with you? WAITRESS You sonofabitch! I take a lot of shit in this place, but I sure as hell don't have to take it off a SPIC PIMP! 103. GONZO GOES VERY VERY STILL AT THIS... DUKE (V/O) Jesus. I thought, what's happening? DUKE picks up the napkin. On it is printed in careful red letters: "BACK DOOR BEAUTY?" DUKE (V/O CONT'D) The question mark was emphasized. WAITRESS (screams) Pay your bill and get the hell out! You want me to call the cops? GONZO Spic pimp? GONZO's hand goes inside his shirt. He PULLS OUT THE RAZOR- SHARP HUNTING KNIFE. GONZO KEEPS HIS EYES ON THE WAITRESS. He walks about six feet down the aisle and lifts the receiver of the pay phone. He SLICES IT OFF, then brings the receiver back to his stool and sits down. DUKE (V/O) I was stupid with shock -- not knowing whether to run or start laughing. GONZO (casual) How much is the lemon meringue pie? DUKE (V/O) Her eyes were turgid with fear, but her brain was functioning on some basic motor survival level. WAITRESS (blurting -- on automatic) Thirty-five cents! GONZO (laughing) I mean the whole pie. The WAITRESS MOANS. GONZO places a $5 BILL on the counter. GONZO Let's say five dollars. Okay? 104. GONZO walks round the counter TAKING THE PIE OUT OF THE DISPLAY CASE. DUKE (V/O) The sight of the blade had triggered bad memories. The glazed look in her eyes said her throat had been cut. She was still in the grip of paralysis when we left. DUKE IS ROOTED TO THE SPOT. GONZO urges him out the door. The camera retreats with them. The WAITRESS STANDS THERE -- PETRIFIED. Alone in a lousy bar at night. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE's face as he stares at the knife -- remembering... GONZO (V/O) Drive! Drive! Drive! We have fifteen fucking minutes to get me on that plane! EXT. ROAD ON OUTSKIRTS OF LAS VEGAS - DAY The WHITE WHALE, looking like shit -- it's TOP HALF UP, TORN, SLAPPING IN THE WIND -- ROARS THROUGH AN INTERSECTION as the light turns red. DR. GONZO FRANTICALLY PAWS OVER A MAP. DUKE drives -- SILENT AND FURIOUS -- sick to his stomach with the PSYCHOTIC GONZO. GONZO What are you doing? You were supposed to turn back there! DUKE (V/O) We had abused every rule that Vegas lived by -- burning the locals, abusing the tourists, terrifying the help. The only chance now, I felt, was the possibility that we'd gone to such excess that nobody in the position to bring the hammer down on us could possibility believe it. DUKE suddenly SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. 105. GONZO Jesus Christ!!! There, crossing the road in front of them, is LUCY -- her paintings under her arm -- looking lost. SHE LOOKS UP WITH A VAGUE SENSE OF RECOGNITION... DUKE throws the car into a SKIDDING REVERSE TURN AND ROARS OFF. EXT. DESERT ROAD OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS - DAY THE WHITE WHALE TEARS DOWN THE DESERTED FREEWAY. GONZO looks wildly around. GONZO Goddamnit! We're lost! What are we doing out here on this godforsaken road? GONZO sees that THEY'RE RUNNING PARALLEL WITH THE AIRPORT RUNWAY. GONZO The airport is over there! DUKE Never missed a plane yet. DUKE HITS THE BRAKES and wrenches the wheel -- takes the WHALE down into the grassy freeway divider. WHEELS CHURNING, HE MAKES IT UP THE OPPOSITE BANK, nose of the car straight up, then BOUNCES ONTO THE FREEWAY and keeps going right OVER A FENCE, dragging it through a cactus field and onto the RUNWAY. GONZO is FROZEN WITH FEAR -- GRIPPING THE DASHBOARD. He throws a worried look at DUKE. DUKE I'll drop you right next to the plane. They SPEED UNDER A PARKED AIRPLANE, SHOUTING ABOVE THE JET ENGINE SCREAM. GONZO No! I can't get out! They'll crucify me. I'll have to take the blame! 106. DUKE (irritatedly) Ridiculous! Just say you were hitchhiking to the airport and I picked you up. You never saw me before. Shit, this town is full of white Cadillac convertibles. I plan to go through there so fast that nobody will even glimpse the goddamn license plate. You ready? GONZO Why not? But for Christ's sake, just do it fast! EXT. AT THE AIRPLANE - DAY DUKE SCREECHES UP in front of the DESERT AIR 727. GONZO JUMPS OUT -- HEADS FOR THE PLANE. DUKE watches him go -- RELENTS. DUKE Hey! GONZO stops -- turns. DUKE Don't take any guff from those swine. Remember, if you have any trouble you can always send a telegram to the Right People. GONZO Yeah... Explaining my Position. Some asshole wrote a poem about that once... GONZO pauses. GONZO Probably good advice, if you have shit for brains. GONZO turns and RACES TOWARDS THE STEPS JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE PLANE HE PAUSES AND LOOKS BACK...SMILES...AND LEANS FORWARD AND VOMITS. DUKE (V/O) There he goes -- one of God's own prototypes -- a high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die. 107. DUKE watches for a second then ROARS AWAY. PULL BACK WITH THE WHITE SHARK -- LEAVING THE AIRPLANE FAR BEHIND. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE/APOCALYPSE - NIGHT On the TV an airplane soars thru the sky. Pull back to find DUKE barricaded in GONZO'S BEDROOM. He is typing on his typewriter. DUKE We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the speed that fueled that 60's. That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip. He crashed around America selling "consciousness expansion" without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took him seriously... DUKE records like A WAR CORRESPONDENT. The CAMERA slowly rises -- DUKE alone in the room with the TV SPEWING OUT IMAGES OF WARS AND CIVIL UNREST OF THE 90'S. DUKE All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their loss and failure is ours too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped create... RISING HIGHER -- THE WALLS OF THE ROOM APPEAR TO BY 20 TO 30 FEET HIGH. DUKE SEEMS TO BE AT THE BOTTOM OF A WELL... THE CAMERA RISES UP THROUGH BROKEN TIMBERS... DUKE ... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force -- is tending the light at the end of the tunnel. HIGHER STILL -- DUKE ALONE IN THE ROOM -- AN ISOLATED BOX SURROUNDED BY THE TWISTED METAL AND RUBBLE AND SMASHED NEON SIGNS OF THE DEAD CITY -- A BLASTED LANDSCAPE WITHOUT LIGHT -- SHARDS OF A CIVILIZATION. 108. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - DAY A BURNING FLARED-OUT SUN. The camera pans down to DUKE DRIVING THE WRECKED WHALE. A piece of the fence flies out of the back seat as he takes a bump. DUKE (V/O) There was only one road back to L.A. US Interstate 15, just a flat-out high speed burn through Baker and Barstow and Berdoo, then on to the Hollywood Freeway straight into frantic oblivion: safety, obscurity, just another freak in the Freak Kingdom. DUKE sees THE HARDWARE BARN, A RUSTIC OLD FARM BUILDING facing the road with a single gas pump outside and a neon sign that flashes beer. DUKE Ahhh. Wonderful. DUKE PULLS OFF THE ROAD and parks. Gets out and walks in. INT. HARDWARE BARN - BAKER, CALIFORNIA - DAY DUKE enters the DARK, CLUTTERED INTERIOR. Scattered all about the store are BITS OF AMERICANA... OLD BARRELS, WAGON WHEELS, WOODEN YOKES. A STUFFED HORSE HANGS FROM THE RAFTERS. The sunlight shafts through high windows. AN OLD MAN is repairing an iron pot-bellied stove near the wooden bar. A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING... ONLY REAL. PROPRIETOR What'll you have? DUKE can't quite believe this place -- too good to be true. DUKE (doubtfully) Ballantine Ale...? THE PROPRIETOR serves the ale up ice cold. DUKE SMILES AND RELAXES. DUKE Hard to find it served like this anymore. As he drinks, DUKE toys with a rack of key chains -- LITTLE AMERICAN ICONS... A REMINGTON COWBOY, A BUGS BUNNY, A TWEETY PIE, BETTY BOOP, A BASEBALL PLAYER. The logo on the rack reads: AMERICAN DREAM KEY RINGS. 109. PROPRIETOR Where ya comin' from, young man? DUKE Las Vegas. PROPRIETOR A great town, that Vegas. I bet you had good luck there. You're the type. DUKE I know. I'm a triple Scorpio. PROPRIETOR (trustingly) That's a fine combination. You can't lose. A LOVELY GIRL appears. Seeing DUKE, she smiles. CAN THIS REALLY BE HIS LUCKY DAY? She approaches him... and... KISSES THE PROPRIETOR. DUKE (caught off guard... muttering) Oh, my God!... PROPRIETOR (not understanding) This is my granddaughter... DUKE (recovering) Don't worry... (leans forward in confidence) ... and I'm actually the District Attorney from Ignoto County. (winks) Just another good American like yourself. A MOMENT. THE PROPRIETOR'S SMILE DISAPPEARS. Wordlessly the PROPRIETOR and his GRANDDAUGHTER go to the back of the store -- GET ON WITH THEIR WORK -- IGNORING DUKE. WHO FEELS ASHAMED. DUKE puts some money down on the bar and SLOWLY LEAVES. EXT. HARDWARE BARN - DAY A CHASTENED DUKE approaches the vomit streaked WHITE WHALE. Gets in -- sits there -- deflated -- miserable... 110. A state bus draws up across from the Hardware Barn. Somberly, DUKE watches as TWO YOUNG MARINES with duffel bags step off -- chatting like TRUE BROTHERS... DUKE switches on the ignition. Something rolls off the trembling dash... DUKE catches it... ONE SINGLE BEAUTIFUL AMYL CAPSULE... DUKE CRACKS THE AMYL -- INHALES. THE RUSH MAKES HIM GASP -- TEETH BARED LIKE A MADMAN. DUKE HOLY SHIT!!! DUKE GUNS THE ENGINE with a laugh -- leans out -- YELLS AT THE MARINES. DUKE GOD'S MERCY ON YOU SWINE! DUKE ROARS AWAY. AN AMERICAN FLAG FLIES UP FROM THE DEBRIS IN THE BACK SEAT, MADLY UNFURLING ITSELF AS IT SNAGS ON THE CONVERTIBLE-TOP FRAME OF THE TRASHED WHITE WHALE! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! The TWO MARINES look after him CONFUSED. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY DUKE drives fast -- TEETH GRITTED IN FROZEN ECSTASY!! DUKE CRANKS UP THE TAPE RECORDER. DUKE (V/O) My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger... a man on the move... and just sick enough to be totally confident. The WHITE WHALE WIPES THE SCREEN BLACK. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ENDFEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS by Terry Gilliam & Toy Grisoni BLACK SCREEN A desert wind moans sadly. From somewhere within the wind comes the tinkly, syrupy-sweet sounds of the Lennon Sisters singing "My Favorite Things." A series of sepia images of anti-war protests from the mid-sixties appear one after another on the screen. In the violently scrawled style of Ralph Steadman, the title FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS splashes onto the screen. A beat, and then it runs down and off revealing: TITLE: "He who makes a beast of himself Gets rid of the pain Of being a man." Dr. Johnson The VOICE OF HUNTER S. THOMPSON -- a.k.a. RAOUL DUKE: DUKE (V/O) We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! A red Chevy convertible -- THE RED SHARK -- wipes the black screen. EXT. ON THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THE RED SHARK races down the desert highway at a hundred miles an hour. THE STONES' "Sympathy For the Devil" blares. AT THE WHEEL STRANGELY STILL AND TENSE, RAOUL DUKE DRIVES -- SKELETAL, BEER IN HAND -- STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD. BESIDE HIM, FACE TURNED TO THE SUN, EYES CLOSED BEHIND WRAPAROUND SPANISH SUNGLASSES, IS HIS SWARTHY AND UNNERVINGLY UNPREDICTABLE ATTORNEY, DR. GONZO. The music pounds DUKE stares straight ahead. GONZO froths up a can of beer - uses it as shaving foam. DUKE (V/O) I remember saying something like: "I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive..." GONZO starts shaving. 2. DUKE (V/O) Suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car... Close on DUKE -- shadows flutter across his face. The reflections of bats swirl within his eyes. We push in close to one eye ball -- SCREECHING SWIRLING BAT-LIKE SHAPES! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DUKE (V/O) ... and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals? CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR - DUKE, eyes rigid, flails at the air. No bats anywhere. GONZO casually looks over... GONZO What are you yelling about? DUCK SCREECHES to the side of the road. The sudden wrench makes GONZO nick his face with his razor. DUKE Never mind. It's your turn to drive. DUKE (V/O) No point mentioning these bats. I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. DUKE hops out of the car, keeping an eye out for bats, frantically opens the trunk to reveal what looks like A MOBILE POLICE NARCOTICS LAB. DUKE desperately rifles through the impressive stash. DUKE (V/O) We had two bags of grass, seventy- five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi- colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. 3. DUKE, eyes darting madly as he hears what sounds like the SHRIEKS OF BATS returning, grabs an assortment along with another six-pack of beer - slams the trunk shut and dives back into the car. DUKE (V/O) Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. THE RED SHARK RACES INTO THE DISTANCE... on the ground, weakly flapping is a SEMI-SQUASHED, SLOWLY DYING ANIMAL... A BAT? EXT. FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY IN THE RED SHARK GONZO grips the wheel - stares maniacally down the road - a lousy driver. DUKE (V/O) The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. The radio news wars with "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL" on a tape recorder. RADIO NEWS An overdose of heroin was listed as the official cause of death for pretty 19 year old Diane Hanby whose body was found stuffed in a refrigerator last week... GONZO changes the station - "ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE, SWEET JESUS, ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE" vies with "SYMPATHY"... He sings along - washes a couple of pills back with a new beer. The RED SHARK fishtails. GONZO "One toke over the line, sweet Jesus." 4. DUKE (muttering to himself) One toke. You poor fool. Wait till you see those goddamn bats. UP AHEAD - AT THE SIDE OF THE DESERTED ROAD A LONE HITCHHIKER spots them, jumps up and sticks out a thumb. The RED SHARK roars past. Then, fifty yards down the road... GONZO Let's give that boy a lift. GONZO wrenches the wheel - THE RED SHARK swerves to the side of the road. DUKE We can't stop here - this is bat country! GONZO JAMS THE CAR INTO REVERSE AND ROCKETS BACKWARDS. The HITCHHIKER races to the car. A poor OKIE KID with a big grin. HITCHHIKER Hot damn! I never rode in a convertible before! Then the big grin freezes on the OKIE KID's face at the sight of: DUKE and GONZO looking out at him with HYPER- NORMAL, shit-eating SMILES. DUKE Is that right? Well, I guess you're about ready, eh? The HITCHHIKER hesitates. GONZO We're your friends. We're not like the others. DUKE (hissing sharply) No more of that talk or I'll put the leeches on you. DUKE turns back to the HITCHHIKER - smiles reassuringly. EXT. EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY The HITCHHIKER sits nervously in the back seat as the RED SHARK screams down the road. 5. GONZO sings along to the tape player. The HITCHHIKER's eyes go to the door - considers jumping out and taking his chances. DUKE, sweating bullets, STARES AT THE HITCHHIKER in the rear view mirror. DUKE (V/O) How long could we maintain, I wondered. How long before one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family. The HITCHHIKER's eyes notice a thin line of blood trickling down GONZO's neck. DUKE (V/O) Would he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? DUKE's mouth moves intermittently - sometimes in sync with the words, sometimes not. DUKE (V/O) If so - well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere. Because it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency, and they'll run us down like dogs... DUKE (out loud to himself) Jesus! Did I say that? DUKE (V/O) Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me? GONZO (reassuringly to HITCHHIKER) It's okay. He's admiring the shape of your skull. DUKE gives the HITCHHIKER a FINE BIG GRIN and the HITCHHIKER giggles nervously. 6. DUKE (V/O) Maybe I better have a chat with this boy I thought. Perhaps if I explain things, he'll rest easy... DUKE (roaring over the road noise) THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD PROBABLY UNDERSTAND -- The HITCHHIKER stares at him, not blinking. DUKE (yells) CAN YOU HEAR ME? The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- terrified. DUKE climbs into the back seat. DUKE That's good. Because I want you to have all the background. This is a very ominous assignment -- with overtones of extreme personal danger. I'm a Doctor of Journalism! This is important, goddamnit! This is a true story!... (WHACKS the BACK OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT with his fist) The CAR SWERVES SICKENINGLY, then straightens out. GONZO (screams) Keep your hands off my fucking neck! The HITCHHIKER makes a sudden lunge for freedom. DUKE GRABS HIM BACK DOWN. DUKE (V/O) Our vibrations were getting nasty -- but why? Was there no communication in this car? Had we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts? The HITCHHIKER STRUGGLES IN PANIC. 7. DUKE (to HITCHHIKER) I want you to understand that this man at the wheel is my attorney! He's not just some dingbat I found on the Strip. He's a foreigner. I think he's probably Samoan. But it doesn't matter, does it? Are you prejudiced? HITCHHIKER Hell, no! DUKE I didn't think so. Because in spite of his race, this man is extremely valuable to me. Hell, I forgot all about this beer. You want one? (HITCHHIKER shakes his head) How about some ether? HITCHHIKER What? DUKE Never mind. Let's get right to the heart of this thing. Twenty-four hours ago we were sitting in the Pogo Lounge of the Beverly Wills Hotel... INT. THE BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL POGO LOUNGE 1971 - DAY A uniformed DWARF, carries a shockingly PINK TELEPHONE through the glittering, tranquil POGO LOUNGE CROWD. They are the ELOI. HENDRIX AFROS and DROOPING MUSTACHES and BELL BOTTOMS and LOVE BEADS and BELLS. ACTRESSES sip Singapore Slings and PROMOTERS sip ACTRESSES in this MONIED, SANITISED VERSION OF THE GREAT REVOLUTION YEARS. DUKE (V/O) ... in the patio section, of course, drinking Singapore Slings with mescal on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of Our Lord, 1971. The DWARF reaches DUKE -- T-shirt, levis, sneakers and shades. GONZO -- white rayon bellbottoms and a khaki tank top undershirt. They are in the middle of a serious conversation. 8. DUKE I'm telling you, the Salazar story is getting too complicated. The weasels have started closing in. The DWARF sneers. DWARF Perhaps this is the call you've been waiting for all this time, sir... DUKE lifts the receiver -- listens... DUKE Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... DUKE hangs up the PHONE with the DEAD-PAN EXPRESSION OF A MOVIE SPY. DWARF That was headquarters. They want me to go to Las Vegas at once and make contact with a Portuguese photographer named Lacerda. He'll have the details. All I have to do is check into my sound proof suite and he'll seek me out. GONZO, says nothing for a moment, then POUNDS the table! GONZO God hell! I think I see the pattern! This one sounds like real trouble! You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney I must advise you that you'll need a very fast car with no top and after that, the cocaine. And then the tape recorder, for special music, and some Acapulco shirts... (GONZO tucks his khaki undershirt into his white bellbottoms -- he means business!) This blows my weekend, because naturally I'll have to go with you -- and we'll have to arm ourselves. 9. DUKE Why not? If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing right. DUKE and GONZO are up and off. The DWARF chases after them with the (very large) check in his hand. They sweep out through the Lounge door, unaware of it swinging back into the face of the pursuing DWARF. DUKE I tell you, my man. This is the American Dream in action! We'd be fools not to ride this strange torpedo all the way to the end. GONZO Indeed. We must do it. What kind of story is this? EXT. BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY DUKE and GONZO emerge. DUKE The Mint 400! The richest off-road race for motorcycles and dune- buggies in the history of organized sport! (handing parking ticket to Valet) -- a fantastic spectacle in honor of some fatback grossero who owns the luxurious Mint Hotel in the heart of downtown Vegas... at least that's what the press release says. Their car arrives -- rusted out, smashed door panels. They jump in. DUKE We're going to have to drum it up on our own. Pure Gonzo Journalism. And they're off in a cloud of black exhaust as the nose- bleeding DWARF stumbles out with the unpaid bill in his hand. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY The PINTO races through shot. DUKE (V/O) Getting hold of the drugs and shirts had been no problem... 10. EXT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY The PINTO skids to a halt outside Polynesian bar, the back window full of Hawaiian shirts. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) ... but the car and tape recorder were not easy things to round up at 6:30 on a Friday afternoon in Hollywood. INT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY TORN YELLOW PAGES with dealer's ads ticked off lie in a pile as GONZO yells into a PAYPHONE. DUKE carries over four Singapore Slings. GONZO O.K., O.K., yes. Hang onto it. We'll be there in thirty minutes. (to DUKE -- hand over the PHONE) I finally located a car with adequate horsepower and the proper coloring. (into PHONE) What?! OF COURSE the gentleman has a major credit card! Do you realize who the fuck you're talking to? DUKE Don't take any guff from these swine. (GONZO slams the phone down) Now we need a sound store with the finest equipment. Nothing dinky. One of those new Belgian Heliowatts with a voice-activated shotgun mike, for picking up conversations in oncoming cars. GONZO We won't make the nut unless we have unlimited credit. DUKE We will. You Samoans are all the same. You have no faith in the essential decency of the white man's culture. 11. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DUSK The PINTO races down street. DUKE (V/O) The store was closed, but the salesman said he would wait, if we hurried... EXT. SUNSET BLVD - TRAFFIC JAM - DUSK They're stuck in a traffic jam -- clouds of exhaust. DUKE BANGS ON THE HORN IN FURY. DUKE (V/O) But we were delayed en route when a Stingray in front of us killed a pedestrain. Directly in front of them: BLOODY CARNAGE -- a covered corpse is loaded into an ambulance by PARAMEDICS. EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT DUKE (V/O) We had trouble, again, at the car rental agency. Behind the wheel of the RED SHARK: DUKE grins with satisfaction -- checking it out. A nervous AGENT holds out a clipboard. DUKE signs without looking at the rental papers. AGENT Say... uh... you fellas are going to be careful with this car, aren't you? DUKE Of course. DUKE throws the car into reverse -- roars backwards past the gas pumps to where GONZO is unloading their rusted out car. AGENT Well, good god! You just backed over that two foot concrete abutment and you didn't even slow down! Forty-five in reverse! And you barely missed the pump! DUKE No harm done. I always test the transmission that way. The rear end. For stress factors. 12. GONZO transfers boxes of new sound equipment and a large box of rum and ice into the RED SHARK. AGENT Say. Are you fellows drinking? DUKE Not me. We're responsible people. He JAMS the car into LOW GEAR and lurches into traffic. The AGENT runs into the street and helplessly watches them go. GONZO There's another worrier. He's probably all cranked up on speed. EXT. RUNDOWN BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT STRANGE AND MAGICAL. In the moonlight: the silhouetted figures of DUKE and GONZO as they pack the RED SHARK. DUKE (V/O) We spent the rest of that night rounding up materials and packing the car. Then we ate some mescaline and went swimming. The surf crashes in the distance... EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - NIGHT DUKE cries out as he dives into the ocean. He lets himself float up through the silvery bubbles... DUKE AND GONZO FLOAT BEATIFICALLY IN THE GLOWING, SHIMMERING MOONLIT SURF. DUKE (V/O) Our trip was different. It was to be a classic affirmation of everything right and true in the national character; a gross, physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country. But only for those with true grit... EXT. AND EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY DUKE's intense face. DUKE ...and we're chock full of that! 13. GONZO Damn right! DUKE My attorney understands this concept, despite his racial handicap. But do you?! The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- petrified. DUKE (V/O) He said he understood, but I could see in his eyes that he didn't. He was lying to me. GONZO My heart! GONZO clutches his heart. The car veers off the road and screeches to a halt. He slumps over the wheel. GONZO (CONT'D) Where's the medicine? DUKE The medicine? Yes, it's right here. DUKE spills out 4 AMYL CAPSULES from a tin. DUKE Don't worry, this man has a bad heart... Angina Pectoris. But we have a cure for it. DUKE and GONZO break 2 AMYLS apiece -- INHALE DEEPLY. GONZO falls back on the seat, staring straight up at the sun. The HITCHHIKER looks petrified. GONZO (suddenly flailing his naked arms at the sky) Turn up the fucking music! My heart feels like an alligator! Volume! Clarity! Bass! We must have bass! What's wrong with us? Are you goddamn old ladies? DUKE (turns up music to full volume) You scurvy shyster bastard! Watch your language! You're talking to a Doctor of Journalism! 14. GONZO (laughing uncontrollably) What the fuck are we doing out here? Somebody call the police! We need help! DUKE (to HITCHHIKER) Pay no attention to this swine. He can't handle the medicine. (he begins laughing) GONZO (to the HITCHHIKER) The truth is we're going to Vegas to croak a scag baron named Savage Henry. I've known him for years but he ripped us off -- and you know what that means, right? GONZO pulls out a .357 Magnum -- waves it around. GONZO (CONT'D) Savage Henry has cashed his check! We're going to rip his lungs out! DUKE And eat them! That bastard won't get away with this! What's going on in this country when a scum sucker like that can get away with sandbagging a Doctor of Journalism? GONZO cracks ANOTHER AMYL. The HITCHHIKER SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE CAR, DOWN THE TRUNK LID, AND FLEES. HITCHHIKER Thanks for the ride. Thanks a lot. I like you guys. Don't worry about me. DUKE (yells) Wait a minute! Come back and have a beer! The HITCHHIKER RUNS from car. 15. GONZO Good riddance. That boy made me nervous. Did you see his eyes? (laughing) Jesus, this is good medicine. DUKE glances back at the running HITCHHIKER. DUKE (suddenly clambering into the front seat) Move over!! We have to get out of California before that kid finds a cop! DUKE GUNS THE RED SHARK -- TAKES OFF DOWN THE ROAD... EXT. UNBELIEVABLY FAR DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY THE RED SHARK races -- DUKE at the wheel -- straight ahead driving. DUKE (V/O) It was absolutely imperative that we get to the Mint Hotel before the deadline for press registration. Otherwise, we might have to pay for our suite. GONZO wrestles with a shaker of COCAINE. The top comes off and the powder swirls away on the wind. GONZO Oh, Jesus! Did you see what god just did to us? DUKE God didn't do that! You did it! You're a fucking narcotics agent, that was our cocaine, you pig! GONZO (waving his .357 Magnum at Duke) You better be careful. Plenty of vultures out here. They'll pick your bones clean before morning. DUKE You whore! GONZO tears up a BLOTTER OF ACID. 16. GONZO Here -- chew this. It's your half of the acid. DUKE takes his half -- chews it. DUKE How long do I have? GONZO Maybe thirty more minutes. As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed. It'll be a goddamn miracle if we can get there before you turn into a wild animal. Are you ready for that? Checking into a Vegas hotel under a phony name with intent to commit capital fraud and a head full of acid. DUKE (V/O) Thirty minutes. It was going to be very close. The RED SHARK screams along the highway past a billboard: "DON'T GAMBLE WITH MARIJUANA! \ IN NEVADA: POSSESSION - 20 YEARS; SALE - LIFE!!" EXT. LAS VEGAS MINT HOTEL - DUSK The RED SHARK pulls up outside the MINT. A great banner spanning the street announces the MINT 400. DUKE can feel the drug surging up inside him. Clutching a buckled beer can, sweat pouring, he stares fixedly at the TICKET the ATTENDANT gives him. DUKE I need this, right? ATTENDANT I'll remember your face. DUKE stares -- losing it... DUKE (V/O) There is no way of explaining the terror I felt. INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY DUKE waits in line at the front desk -- RIGID WITH PENT UP ENERGY. GONZO's ahead of him -- muscling in -- trying to queue jump and failing. 17. DUKE (V/O) I was pouring sweat. My blood is too thick for Nevada. I've never been able to properly explain myself in this climate. A COUPLE move off and DUKE jerks forward -- stops -- eyes fixed on the stony FEMALE RESERVATIONS CLERK. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Be quiet, be calm... name, rank, and press affiliation, nothing else... DUKE moves ANOTHER RIGID STEP CLOSER to the desk -- the tension almost snapping him in two. GONZO's FLAPPING AROUND -- absolutely no success. Something catches DUKE's eye... He REMAINS ROOTED -- his eyes turning to the VEGETAL PAISLEY PATTERNS ON THE CARPET WHICH ARE SHIFTING -- UNDULATING. THE CARPET PATTERNS ARE INEXORABLY CREEPING UP THE WALLS... DUKE (V/O CONT'D) ...ignore this terrible drug, pretend it's not happening... The LAST PEOPLE leave -- with A FINAL, STIFF MOVE, DUKE comes face to face with the RESERVATIONS CLERK... AND EXPLODES! DUKE HI THERE. MY NAME... AH, RAOUL DUKE... ON... ON THAT LIST, THAT'S FOR SURE. FREE LUNCH, FINAL WISDOM, TOTAL COVERAGE... WHY NOT? I HAVE MY ATTORNEY WITH ME, AND I REALIZE OF COURSE... As DUKE stares at her, BABBLING, her FACE BEGINS TO MORPH. He tries to stop it happening by TALKING FASTER. DUKE ... THAT HIS NAME IS NOT ON THE LIST, BUT WE MUST HAVE THAT SUITE. YES. JUST CHECK THE LIST AND YOU'LL SEE. DON'T WORRY. WHAT'S THE SCORE HERE? WHAT'S NEXT? DUKE sags -- grips the desk -- WHITE KNUCKLES. 18. RESERVATIONS CLERK (hands him an envelope) Your suite's not ready yet. But there's somebody looking for you. Her face is CHANGING -- SWELLING -- PULSING... DUKE (shouts) NO! WHY? WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET! The FACE OF THE RESERVATIONS CLERK TURNS GREEN & GROWS FANGS. DEADLY POISON! DUKE LUNGES BACK at GONZO, who GRIPS his arm intensely -- REACHES OUT to take the ENVELOPE. GONZO I can handle this. This man has a bad heart, but I have plenty of medicine. My name is Dr. Gonzo. Prepare our suite at once. We'll be in the bar. GONZO manoeuvres DUKE away from the desk. DUKE looks back -- the RESERVATIONS CLERKS is now a MORAY EEL -- green jowls and fangs. INT. NAUTICAL BAR - DAY The bar -- OILY PEOPLE -- quiet music -- nautical theme. DUKE and GONZO at the bar, a marlin spike hanging on the wall behind them. DUKE has turned to stone... GONZO (to the bartender) Two Cuba Libres with beer and mescal on the side. (opens the envelope) Who's Lacerda, he's waiting for us in a room on the twelfth floor? DUKE Lacerda? DUKE (V/O) I couldn't remember. The name rang a bell, but I couldn't concentrate. Terrible things were happening all around us... DUKE is staring -- RAPT -- TERRIFIED. BLOOD FLOWS FREELY onto the floor. DUKE keeps his voice low. 19. DUKE Order some golf shoes. Otherwise, we'll never get out of this place alive. It's impossible to walk in this muck -- no footing at all... DUKE looks up -- GONZO has disappeared. DUKE looks around him -- the entire room has TRANSFORMED into a ROOM FILLED WITH REPTILES IN CLOTHES, DRINKING AND GNAWING AT ONE ANOTHER. DUKE (V/O) I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo. And somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things! It won't be long before they tear us to shreds! GONZO IS SUDDENLY BACK -- AT DUKE'S SHOULDER. GONZO If you think we're in trouble now wait until you see what's happening in the elevators. GONZO removes his sunshades and we see he's been crying... as he speaks he seems to be floating. Duke struggles to keep him in his line of vision. GONZO I just went upstairs to see this man Lacerda. I told him I knew what he was up to... (GONZO rallies -- turns fierce) He says he's a photographer! But when I mentioned Savage Henry he freaked! He knows we're onto him! DUKE But what about our room? And the golf shoes? A GROUP OF REPTILES AT A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM stares at them, BLOOD DRIPPING FROM THEIR FANGS. DUKE (CONT'D) (grabbing GONZO trying to hold him still) Holy shit! Look at that bunch over there! They've spotted us! 20. Cut to wider shot -- DUKE is holding on to a man standing next to him at the bar. The room has returned to normality. GONZO is sitting in his original position. GONZO (downs his drink -- gets up) That's the press table. Where you have to sign in for our credentials. Shit, let's get it over with. You handle that, and I'll check on the room. DUKE No, no. Don't leave me! Black screen. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DUSK A TELEVISION shows the NIGHTLY NEWS. A BUDDHIST MONK, protesting the war, sets himself on fire. A very nervous BELL BOY is laying out GONZO's order. A marlin spike is on the floor next to DUKE. BELL BOY Four club sandwiches, four shrimp cocktails. DUKE There's a big... machine in the sky... some kind of electric snake... DUKE is curled by the window -- MESMERIZED by an unseen neon sign outside the window. His eyes fill with a million colored lights. BELL BOY ... a quart of rum... DUKE ... coming straight at us. GONZO Shoot it. DUKE Not yet. I want to study its habits. BELL BOY ... and nine fresh grapefruit. 21. GONZO Vitamin C. We'll need all we can get. GONZO sees the BELL BOY out the door -- turns and lays into DUKE. GONZO Look, you've got to stop this talk about snakes and leeches and lizards and that stuff. It's making me sick! DUKE stares -- hears the drone of B52 BOMBERS... On TV: The LAOS INVASION -- A SERIES OF HORRIFYING DISASTERS -- EXPLOSIONS AND TWISTED WRECKAGE. Newsreel footage of MAI LAI MASSACRE and the LIEUTENANT CALLEY court-martial. DUKE What are you talking about? GONZO You bastard! They'll never let us back in that place. I leave you alone for three minutes and you start waving that goddamn marlin spike around -- yelling about reptiles! You scared the shit out of those people! They were ready to call the cops. Hell, the only reason they gave us press passes was to get you out of there... A knock at the door. DUKE and GONZO break out in a sweat. DUKE Oh my God! Who's that?! GONZO STICKS HIS GUN IN HIS WAISTBAND -- opens the door to LACERDA -- BOUNCING WITH PUPPY DOG ENTHUSIASM. GONZO stares at a man he instantly hates -- watches him with deep suspicion. LACERDA Duke? I'm Lacerda your photographer. Got your press passes? Good, good. Too bad you missed the bikes checking in. My, what a sight! DUKE watches the B-52S DROP THEIR BOMB LOADS. 22. Looking down to the thick, patterned carpet, DUKE sees the BOMBS EXPLODE like vicious flowers. DUKE looks up: LACERDA is a war photographer -- bruised, filthy and blood spattered. LACERDA approaches him -- talking a foreign language. LACERDA Husquavarnas. Yamahas. Kawaskis. Maicos. Pursang. Swedish Fireballs. Couple of Triumphs, here and there a CZ. All very fast. What a race it's gonna be. DUKE screws up his eyes -- WILLS NORMALITY BACK. LACERDA is now just a keen photographer.L LACERDA Well, we start at dawn. Get a good night's sleep. I know I will. And with a cheerful wave, he's gone. DUKE is in shock. DUKE (weakly) That's good... GONZO I think he's lying to us. I could see it in his eyes. DUKE (even weaker) They'll probably have a big net for us when we show up. DUKE's attention returns to the devastation on the TV... GONZO Turn that shit off! GONZO kills the TV. Black screen. DUKE (V/O) Never lose sight of the primary responsibility. Cover the story. But what was the story? Nobody had bothered to say. 23. EXT. DESERT - DAWN Against A BIG ORANGE SUN, on a concrete slab, MEN FIRE SHOTGUNS into the dawn sky. Clay pigeons shatter. The Mint Gun Club. Next to them, MOTORCYCLES REV -- preparing for the MINT 400 RACE: A hundred BIKERS, MECHANICS and assorted MOTORSPORT TYPES milling around in the pit area; taping headlights, topping off oil in the forks, last minute bolt tightening. DUKE wanders through. DUKE (V/O) The racers were ready at dawn. Very tense. But the race didn't start until nine so we had three long hours to kill. A sign by a long trestle table: "KOFFEE & DONUTS." DUKE walks past -- ignoring the SMILING LADY behind the stall. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Those of us who had been up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts. We wanted strong drink. We were, after all, the Absolute Cream of the National Sporting Press and we were gathered here, in Las Vegas, for a very special assignment. And when it comes to things like this you don't fool around. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY A real pit of iniquity. Slot Machines. Crap tables. Smoke. Drunken shouting. The absolute cream of the NATIONAL SPORTING PRESS. DUKE is at the bar, engaged in drunken conversation with a LIFE REPORTER...showing him his notebook. DUKE See..."Kill the body and the head will die"... the Frazier/Ali fight... MAGAZINE REPORTER A proper end to the 60's... Ali beaten by a human hamburger! DUKE And both Kennedy's murdered by mutants. 24. A SHOUT goes up from outside. The sound of engines revving. REPORTER That's it! They're starting! In a sudden rush the PRESS CROWD make for the door taking DUKE with them. EXT. DESERT - DAY MOTORCYCLES REV -- tension builds... A flag goes down. The CROWD cheers. The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY. A great cloud of dust goes up -- obscuring the RACERS as they disappear into the desert... A moment... REPORTER Well, that's that. They'll be back in an hour or so. Let's go back to the bar. The CROWD turns and streams back into the tent. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY DUKE heads for the bar along with the REST. It's packed. Drinks are ordered. A shout from outside the tent goes up: VOICE OFF Group 2! The CROWD rushes for the door. DUKE gets swept along. EXT. DESERT - DAY MOTORCYCLES REV. A flag goes down. The CROWD cheers. The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY. Another great cloud of dust goes up... The CROWD head back for the bar. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY The CROWD surge back to the bar. VOICE OFF Group 3! This time DUKE fights his way free of the CROWD. 25. DUKE (V/O) There was something like 190 more bikes waiting to start. They were due to go off 10 at a time every 2 minutes. DUKE hits the bar. DUKE Beer! A middle-aged HOODLUM in a T-shirt booms up to the bar. HOODLUM God damn! What day is this -- Saturday? DUKE More like Sunday. HOODLUM Hah! That's a bitch, ain't it? Last night I was home in Long Beach and somebody said they were runnin' the Mint 400 today, so I says to my old lady, "Man, I'm goin'." So she gives me a lot of crap about it, so I start slappin' her around, and the next thing you know two guys I never seen before are beating me stupid. VOICE OFF Group 4! Outside, another batch of motorcycles roar away -- kicking up more clouds of dust. HOODLUM Then they gave me ten bucks, put me on a bus, and when I woke up here I was in downtown Vegas, and for a minute all I could think was, "O Jesus, who's divorcing me this time?" But then I remembered, by God! I was here for the Mint 400. And, man, I tell you, it's wonderful to be here. Just wonderful to be here with you people. A silence. A MAGAZINE REPORTER lunges across the bar -- grabs the BARTENDER. 26. MAGAZINE REPORTER Senzaman wassyneeds! DUKE (smacks the bar with his palm) Hell yes! Bring us ten! VOICE OFF Group 5! MAGAZINE REPORTER (screams) I'll back it! (slides off his stool to the floor) Outside, motorcycles roar away. The dust cloud billows into the tent -- getting denser. MAGAZINE REPORTER (CONT'D) (on the floor) This is a magic moment in sport! It may never come again! I once did the Triple Crown, but it was nothing like this. A FROG-EYED WOMAN claws at the MAGAZINE REPORTER, tries to haul him up. FROG-EYED WOMAN Please stand up! You're a correspondent for a major national magazine who's name we can't get clearance for! Please! You'd be a very handsome man if you'd just stand up! MAGAZINE REPORTER Listen, madam. I'm damn near intolerably handsome down here where I am. You'd go crazy if I stood up! A feverishly eager LACERDA appears out of the dust cloud, 3 cameras slung round his neck. LACERDA Club soda, please. FROG-EYED WOMAN (to MAGAZINE REPORTER) Please! I love Life! 27. LACERDA (to DUKE) Man, it's great out there! DUKE Lunatics. LACERDA grins. VOICE OFF Group 6! LACERDA Meet you outside! LACERDA downs his drink -- hurries out through the crowd and out into the cloud of dust. EXT. DESERT - DAY Nothing. Except for a THICK CLOUD OF DUST. Barely visible, a motorcycle comes speeding into the pits. The RIDER staggers off his bike. The PIT CREW gas it up and sends it back with a FRESH RIDER. DUKE watches him disappear back into the dust cloud. DUKE (V/O) By 10 they were spread out all over the course. It was no longer a race, now it was an Endurance Contest. The idea of trying to "cover this race" in any conventional press sense was absurd. A HORN HONKS. A shiny BLACK BRONCO with DRIVER. LACERDA hangs out of the window. LACERDA It's great, isn't it?! Jump in! DUKE gets into the Bronco and they head into the DUST CLOUD. EXT. DESERT - DAY IN THE BRONCO. DUKE hangs on with his beer. Nothing all around but the HUGE IMPENETRABLE CLOUD OF DUST. LACERDA snaps madly away at nothing at all! 28. LACERDA I'll just keep trying different combos of film and lenses till I find one that works in this dust! The SOUND OF MOTORCYCLES RACING... We hear music and voices singing: BATTLE HYMN "...As we go marching on When I reach my final campground, in that land beyond the sun, And the Great Commander asks me..." [What did he ask you, Rusty?] "Did you fight or did you run?" A moment later, the Bronco races out of the dust. DUKE coughs, chokes, drinks beer. BATTLE HYMN (continuing) [And what did you tell them, Rusty?] "We responded to their rifle fire with everything we had..." The sound of gun shots... A DUNE BUGGY races toward them, loaded down with THREE RETIRED PETTY OFFICERS, DRUNK AS HELL. The radio blares: "THE BATTLE HYMN OF LIEUTENANT CALLEY." The dune buggy is COVERED WITH OMINOUS SYMBOLS: SCREAMING EAGLES CARRYING AMERICAN FLAGS IN THEIR CLAWS. A slant-eyed Snake being chopped to bits by a buzz-saw made of stars and stripes. A MACHINE GUN MOUNT on the passenger side. They yell over the roaring engines. DUNE BUGGY DRIVER Where's the damn race? DUKE Beats me. We're just good patriotic Americans like yourself. DUKE gives DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A NICE BIG GRIN. In response, the PASSENGER #2 narrows his eyes -- tightens his grip on an automatic weapon. DUNE BUGGY DRIVER (suspiciously) What outfit you fellas with? 29. DUKE The sporting press. We're friendlies. Hired geeks. The DRIVER and DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 exchange looks. DUKE If you want a good chase, you should get after that skunk from CBS News up ahead in the black jeep. He's the man responsible for that book, THE SELLING OF THE PENTAGON. DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #1 HOT DAMN! DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A black jeep, you say? And they ROAR away. DUKE Take me back to the pits. LACERDA No, no -- we have to go on. We need total coverage. DUKE gets out of the Bronco. DUKE You're fired. After a moment's hesitation, LACERDA and the BRONCO driver roar away leaving DUKE alone in the cloud of dust. DUKE (V/O) It was time. I felt, for an Agonizing Reappraisal of the whole scene. The race was definitely under way. I had witnessed the start; I was sure of that much. But what now? EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT MUSIC PUMPS OUT. CRUISING IN THE RED SHARK IN VEGAS. THE SKY SWIRLS WITH MILLIONS OF NEON LIGHTS CHASING EACH OTHER IN BAROQUE PATTERNS ACROSS GIGANTIC HOTEL SIGNS. PSYCHEDELIC LIGHT SHOWS TO LURE AND DERANGE THE INNOCENT. CITY OF LOST SOULS. 30. DUKE Turn up the radio! Turn up the tape machine! Roll the windows down. Let's taste this cool desert wind! Aaah, yes! This is what it's all about! DUKE, beer in hand, drives -- a big smile for the world. GONZO scans The Vegas Visitor. DUKE (V/O) Total control now. Tooling along the main drag on a Saturday night in Vegas, two good old boys in a fire apple red convertible... stoned, ripped, twisted... Good people! GONZO How about "Nickel Nick's Slot Arcade?" "Hot Slots," that sounds heavy. Twenty-nine cent hotdogs... DUKE Look, what are we doing here? Are we here to entertain ourselves, or to do the job? GONZO To do the job, of course. Here we go... a Crab Louie and quart of muscatel for twenty dollars! The Shark hits a bump. GONZO As your attorney I advise you to drive over to the Tropicana and pick up on Guy Lombardo. He's in the Blue Room with his Royal Canadians. They hit another bump. DUKE Why? GONZO Why what? CUT to wide shot. They are DRIVING AROUND IN CIRCLES in a large casino parking lot, bumping over the dividers. 31. DUKE Why should I pay out my hard-earned dollars to watch a fucking corpse. I don't know about you, but in my line of business it's important to be Hep. EXT. DESERT ROOM HOTEL - NIGHT TWO BIG SCREAMING FACES. DOORMAN #1 What the hell are you doing?! DOORMAN #2 You can't park here! DUKE Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park? Reveal the RED SHARK parked on the sidewalk in front of the Desert Inn. TWO DOORMEN loom over the car hood. The MARQUEE says: TONIGHT. DEBBIE REYNOLDS. GONZO leaps from the car, waving a five-dollar bill at the DOORMAN. GONZO We want this car parked! We drove all the way from L.A. for this show. We're friends of Debbie's. A pause, then... the DOORMAN pockets the bill, hands them a parking stub. DUKE and GONZO hurry into the hotel. INT. DESERT FROM HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO walk through the lobby. Black, mirrored, sleek, classy. DUKE Holy shit! They almost had us there! That was quick thinking. GONZO What do you expect? I'm your attorney. You owe me five bucks. I want it now. DUKE shrugs and hands over the $5. 32. DUKE (V/O) This was Bob Hope's turf. Frank Sinatra's. Spiro Agnew's. It seemed inappropriate to be haggling about nickel/dime bribes for the parking lot attendant. A WINE-COLORED TUXEDO stops them at the entrance to the ballroom. WINE-COLORED TUXEDO Sorry, full house. GONZO Goddamnit, we drove all the way from L.A. WINE-COLORED TUXEDO I said there are no seats left... at any price. GONZO Fuck seats! We're old friends of Debbie's. I used to romp with her. GONZO and the WINE-COLORED TUXEDO get into an ugly arm- waving negotiation. DUKE (V/O) After a lot of bad noise, he let us in for nothing provided we would stand quietly at the back and not smoke. As DUKE and GONZO disappear through the door we can hear the orchestra blasting out a HIGHLY BLANDIZED "SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND." A beat. The door flies open and BOUNCERS manhandle DUKE and GONZO out. Despite the rough treatment they're both SCREECHING WITH LAUGHTER. GONZO Jesus creeping shit! DUKE (tears streaming) Did the mescaline just kick in? Or was that Debbie Reynolds in a silver Afro wig?! 33. GONZO (in hysteria) We wandered into a fucking time capsule! EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT DUKE DRIVES FAST into the night. They're both LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. DUKE (in hysteria) We wandered into a fucking time capsule! THEN... GONZO finds a TINY TEAR IN HIS JACKET... GONZO What's this?... GONZO is instantly MOROSE. GONZO That scum... GONZO twists round in the car -- SCREAMS back into the night. GONZO SCUM! I know where you live! I'll find you and burn down your fucking house! EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS - NIGHT A hundred foot high neon clown: BAZOOKO CIRCUS. The RED SHARK pulls up beneath the sign. DUKE This is the place. They'll never fuck with us here. GONZO Where's the ether? This mescaline isn't working. EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT Into the GLARING, CHASING LIGHTS of the entrance canopy steps DUKE in EC/U holding a KLEENEX SOAKED IN ETHER TO HIS NOSE. 34. DUKE (V/O) Ah, devil ether. It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel... total loss of all basic motor skills; blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue -- (throws away kleenex) The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column. Which is interesting, because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it. DUKE and GONZO approach the entrance with elaborate care- taking one step at a time -- trying to keep ahead of the drug. DUKE (V/O) You approach the turnstiles and know that when you get there, you have to give the man two dollars or he won't let you inside... but when you get there, everything goes wrong. THE ETHER KICKS IN: DUKE and GONZO BOUNCE off the walls, CRASH into OLD LADIES, GIGGLE HELPLESSLY as they try to pay -- HANDS FLAPPING CRAZILY, unable to get money out of their pockets. DUKE (V/O) Some angry Rotarian shoves you and you think: What's happening here? What's going on? Then you hear yourself mumbling. DUKE (mumbling) Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine. Watch out!... Why money? My name is Brinks; I was born... Born? GONZO Get sheep over side... women and children to armored car... orders from Captain Zeep. The ATTENDANTS indulgently escort them through the TURNSTILES. 35. DUKE (V/O) Ether is the perfect drug for Las Vegas. In this town they love a drunk. Fresh meat. So they put us through the turnstiles and turned us loose inside. INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT Flames shoot up from below the casino. Above, a HIGH WIRE ACT with FOUR MUZZLED WOLVERINES, SIX NYMPHET SISTERS FROM SAN DIEGO, TWO SILVER PAINTED POLACK BROTHERS, and THREE KOREAN KITTENS. The WOLVERINE chases a NYMPHET through the air. TWO POLACKS swing at it from opposite sides and they are instantly locked in a death battle. All plummet to the nets suspended over the GAMBLING TABLES and SLOT MACHINES. No one looks up. The GAMBLERS REMAIN INTENT ON THE SPINNING ROULETTE WHEEL, THE TURN OF THE CARD, THE ROLL OF A DICE. DUKE (V/O) Bazooko Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. This was the Sixth Reich. Something causes DUKE to look down. A dwarf carrying drinks on a tray is tugging DUKE's pants leg trying to get him to move out of the way. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) A drug person can learn to cope with things like seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth but, nobody should be asked to handle this trip. GONZO and DUKE go upstairs walking past funhouse booths. One of them is manned by an orangutan in costume. A FAIRGROUND BARKER grabs DUKE. FAIRGROUND BARKER Stand in front of this fantastic machine, my friend. For just 99 cents your likeness will appear 200 hundred feet tall on a screen above downtown Las Vegas. On a TV monitor a 200 FOOT HIGH DRUNKARD looms over the Las Vegas skyline screaming OBSCENITIES. 36. FAIRGROUND BARKER 99 cents more for a voice message. Say whatever you want, fella. They'll hear you, don't worry about that. Remember, you'll be 200 feet tall! ANOTHER BARKER Step right up! Shoot the pasties off the nipples of this ten-foot bull-dyke and win a cotton candy goat! INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO sit on the revolving platform. GONZO stares -- glassy eyed -- coming apart. GONZO I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting The Fear. DUKE Nonsense. We came here to find the American Dream, and now we're right in the vortex you want to quit. You must realize that we've found the Main Nerve. GONZO That's what gives me The Fear. DUKE Look over there. Two women fucking a Polar Bear. GONZO Please, don't tell me those things... Not now. (signals the waitress for two Wild Turkeys) This is my last drink. How much money can you lend me? DUKE Not much. Why? GONZO I have to go. DUKE GO? 37. GONZO Yes. Leave the country. Tonight. DUKE Calm down. You'll be straight in a few hours. GONZO No. This is serious. One more hour in this town and I'll kill somebody! DUKE OK. I'll lend you some money. Let's go outside and see how much we have left. GONZO Can we make it? DUKE That depends on how many people we fuck with between here and the door. GONZO I want to leave fast. DUKE OK. Lets pay this bill and get up very slowly. It's going to be a long walk. (signals waitress who comes over) GONZO (suddenly to waitress) Do they pay you to screw that bear? WAITRESS What? DUKE He's just kidding. (to GONZO) Come on, Doc -- lets go downstairs and gamble. GONZO trembles with fear -- walks to the edge of the turntable. GONZO When does this thing stop? 38. DUKE It won't stop. It's not ever going to stop. DUKE carefully steps off the turntable. GONZO, eyes staring blindly ahead, squiting in fear and confusion, rooted to the spot, is carried away. DUKE Don't move you'll come around. DUKE reaches out to grab GONZO, who jumps back -- keeps going around. The BARTENDER narrows his eyes at them. DUKE steps onto the merry-go-round -- hurries round the bar -- approaching GONZO from the blind side and shoves GONZO from behind. GONZO goes down with a hellish scream. DUKE approaches him with his hands in the air. Smiling. DUKE You fell. Let's go. GONZO refuses to move and stands tense, fists clenched, looking for somebody to hit...an old woman perhaps? DUKE (CONT'D) OK. You stay here and go to jail. I'm leaving. DUKE walks fast towards the stairs. GONZO catches up with him. GONZO Did you see that? Some sonofabitch kicked me in the back. DUKE Probably the bartender. He wanted to stomp you for what you said to the waitress. GONZO Good God! Let's get out of here! Where's the elevator? DUKE (turning him in the opposite direction) Don't go near that elevator. That's just what they want us to do... trap us in a steel box and take us down to the basement. 39. EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO stumble out of the entrance. DUKE Don't run. They'd like any excuse to shoot us. GONZO (in an extended fall) You drive! I think there's something wrong with me. INT. MINT HOTEL CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THEIR SUITE - NIGHT DUKE AND GONZO RUN MADLY DOWN THE CORRIDOR... DUKE TAKING CARE NOT TO STEP ON THE PATTERNED PART OF THE CARPET. GONZO STRUGGLES with the key in the lock. GONZO Those bastards have changed the lock on us. They probably searched the room. Jesus, we're finished! The door SUDDENLY SWINGS OPEN. DUKE AND GONZO fall inside. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT GONZO Bolt everything! Use all chains! DUKE locks the door. The suite is crowded with ROOM SERVICE GOODIES. DUKE turns to see GONZO staring at two hotel room keys. EVERYTHING STOPS. GONZO Where did this one come from? DUKE snatches a key. DUKE That's Lacerda's room. GONZO smiles a slow smile... GONZO Yeah... I thought we might need it... DUKE What for? GONZO snatches the key back. 40. GONZO Let's go up there and blast him out of bed with the fire hose. DUKE No, we should leave the poor bastard alone. I get the feeling that he's avoiding us for some reason. GONZO Don't kid yourself. That Portuguese son of a bitch is dangerous. He's watching us like a hawk. DUKE He told me he was turning in early... GONZO utters an anguished cry -- slaps the wall with both hands. GONZO That dirty bastard! I knew it! He's got hold of my woman! DUKE (laughing) That little blonde groupie with the film crew? You think he sodomized her? GONZO That's right, laugh about it! You goddamn honkies are all the same! GONZO SLASHES A GRAPEFRUIT with a HUGE RAZOR SHARP HUNTING KNIFE. DUKE blanches. DUKE Where'd you get that knife? GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- MANIACAL. GONZO Room service sent it up. I wanted something to cut the limes. GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- INTO EIGHTHS! DUKE What limes? GONZO SLICES -- SIXTEENTHS! 41. GONZO They didn't have any. They don't grow in the desert. SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO That dirty toad bastard! I knew I should have taken him out when I had the chance. Now he has her. SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO SLASHES INSANELY! DUKE watches -- straight-faced. DUKE (V/O) I remember the girl. We'd had a problem with her in the elevator a few hours earlier: my attention had made a fool of himself. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (FLASHBACK) An elevator door opens to reveal the SMILING FACES OF LACERDA, THE BLONDE TV REPORTER AND HER CREW. DUKE and GONZO stagger in. LACERDA drops his smile. He's standing beside the BLONDE TV REPORTER. A trembling GONZO moonily turns his eyes onto her. BLONDE TV REPORTER (to Gonzo) You must be a rider. What class are you in? GONZO Class? What the fuck do you mean? BLONDE TV REPORTER What do you ride? We're filming the race for a TV series -- maybe we can use you. GONZO Use me? DUKE (V/O) Mother of God, I thought. Here it comes. GONZO is TREMBLING BADLY. There's a moment of uncomfortable silence. 42. GONZO (suddenly shouting) I ride the BIG ONES! The really BIG fuckers! GONZO shows his teeth to LACERDA. DUKE laughs trying to defuse the scene. DUKE The Vincent Black Shadow. We're with the Factory Team. TV CAMERAMAN Bullshit. GONZO stills -- becomes dangerous -- zeros in on the TV CAMERAMAN -- groin to groin... GONZO Wait a minute, pardon me lady, but I think there's some kind of ignorant chicken-sucker in this car who needs his face cut open. You cheap honky faggots! Which one of you wants to get cut?! DEAD SILENCE. Ding! The elevator door opens, but nobody moves. The door closes. Next floor. Ding! The door opens again. A middle-aged couple start to get in. Change their minds. The door closes. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY DUKE and GONZO run down the corridor. GONZO LAUGHS WILDLY. GONZO Spooked! They were spooked! Like rats in a death cage! INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE and GONZO CRASH into their hotel suite -- BOLT THE DOOR. GONZO stops laughing. GONZO Goddamn. It's serious now. That girl understood. She fell in love with me. END FLASHBACK. 43. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO with the BIG HUNTING KNIFE -- sliced grapefruit segments everywhere. GONZO Let's go up there and castrate that fucker! GONZO pauses -- A MAD THOUGHT -- turns to DUKE. GONZO (squinting suspiciously) Have you made a deal with him? Did you put him on to her? DUKE (backing slowly towards the door) Look you better put that blade away and get your head straight. I have to put the car in the lot. DUKE (V/O) One of the things you learn, after years of dealing with drug people, is that you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it's waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eyes. INT. CASINO/LOBBY MINT HOTEL The MAGAZINE REPORTER is on the telephone. MAGAZINE REPORTER Las Vegas at dawn. The racers are still asleep, the dust is still on the desert, fifty thousand dollars in prize money, slumbers darkly in the office safe at Del Webb's fabulous Mint Hotel... DUKE walks past the REPORTER -- into THE CASINO, THE SAD, MEAGRE CROWDS AROUND THE CRAP TABLES. No joy. DUKE watches. DUKE (V/O) Who are these people? These faces! Where do they come from? They look like caricatures of used car dealers from Dallas. (MORE) 44. DUKE (V/O; CONT'D) And, sweet Jesus, there are a hell of a lot of them at four-thirty on a Monday morning. Still humping the American dream, that vision of the big winner somehow emerging from the last minute predawn chaos of a stale Vegas casino. DUKE stops at the Money Wheel, puts down a two dollar bill on a number, the wheel turns, he loses. DUKE You bastards! DUKE (V/O) No. Calm down. Learn to ENJOY losing. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE walks back into the room. We hear the LOUD STRAINS OF THREE DOG NIGHT'S "JOY TO THE WORLD." He walks to the bathroom and opens the door. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE BATHROOM - NIGHT Submerged in green water, GONZO WALLOWS in the steaming tub. Soap labels and grapefruit rinds float on the surface. A large empty pack of Neutrogena soap lies on the floor. The shower is on -- the tub overflowing. THE TAPE RECORDER PLAYS, from where it's plugged into the razor socket over the sink. DUKE turns off the shower -- notices a HUGE HUNK OF CHEWED UP WHITE BLOTTER. DUKE You ate ALL THIS ACID? No answer. DUKE (turning down the volume) You evil son of a bitch. You better hope there's some Thorazine in that bag, because if there's not, you're in bad trouble. GONZO Music! Turn it up. Put that tape on. 45. DUKE What tape? GONZO Jefferson Airplane. "White Rabbit." I want a rising sound. DUKE You're doomed. I'm leaving here in two hours and then they're going to come up here and beat the mortal shit out of you with big saps. Right there in that tub. GONZO I dig my own graves. Green water and the White Rabbit. Put it on. DUKE OK. But do me one last favor, will you. Can you give me two hours? That's all I ask -- just two hours to sleep before tomorrow. I suspect it's going to be a very difficult day. He switches on the tape. "WHITE RABBIT" begins to build. GONZO (coolly) Of course, I'm your attorney, I'll give you all the time you need, at my normal rates: $45 an hour -- but you'll be wanting a cushion, so, why don't you just lay one of those $100 bills down there beside the radio, and fuck off? DUKE How about a check? GONZO Whatever's right. DUKE moves the radio as far from the tub as he can and leaves, closing the door behind him. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE goes across to the sofa and crashes -- exhausted. Suddenly a great ripping and crashing noise in the bathroom. GONZO (V/O) Help! You bastard! I need help! 46. DUKE JUMPS up -- crosses to the bathroom door, muttering. DUKE Shit, he's killing himself! INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT DUKE RUSHES IN. GONZO flails -- trying to reach the radio with the shower curtain pole which he has ripped from its mounts. GONZO (snarling) I want that fucking radio! DUKE GRABS THE RADIO. DUKE Don't touch it! Get back in that tub! GONZO Back the tape up. I need it again! Let it roll! Just as high as the fucker can go! And when it comes to that fantastic note where the rabbit bites its own head off, I want you to THROW THAT FUCKING RADIO INTO THE TUB WITH ME! DUKE stares down at GONZO. DUKE Not me. It would blast you through the wall -- stone dead in ten seconds and they'd make me explain it! GONZO BULLSHIT! Don't make me use this. HIS ARM LASHES OUT OF THE WATER, HOLDING THE KNIFE. DUKE Jesus. GONZO Do it! I want to get HIGHER! DUKE considers this. He's had enough. 47. DUKE Okay. You're right. This is probably the only solution. (holds the PLUGGED IN TAPE/RADIO over the tub) Let me make sure I have it all lined up. You want me to throw this thing into the tub when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks. Is that it? GONZO falls back into the water, smiling gratefully. GONZO Fuck yes. I was beginning to think I was going to have to go out and get one of the goddamn maids to do it. DUKE Are you ready? He switches "WHITE RABBIT" back on. GONZO HOWLS AND MOANS AND THRASHES TO THE MUSIC, straining to get over the top. Meanwhile, DUKE picks up a grapefruit from the sink -- a good two-pounder, he gets a grip on it... and when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks... HE HURLS IT INTO THE TUB LIKE A CANNONBALL. GONZO SCREAMS CRAZILY, THRASHING AND CHURNING -- CAUSING A TIDAL WAVE. DUKE JERKS THE RADIO CABLE OUT OF THE SOCKET -- SLAMS OUT OF THE BATHROOM. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE slumps onto the sofa. SILENCE. GONZO RIPS OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR, his eyes unfocused. HE WAVES THE RAZOR SHARP BLADE out in front of him -- LUNGES at DUKE. DUKE WHIPS OUT A CAN OF MACE. DUKE MACE! YOU WANT THIS? GONZO stops -- hisses. GONZO You bastard! You'd do that, wouldn't you? 48. DUKE (laughs) Why worry? You'll like it. Nothing in the world like a Mace high. Forty-five minutes on your knees with the dry heaves... GONZO You cheap honky sonofabitch... DUKE Why not? Hell, just a minute ago, you were asking me to kill you! And now you want to kill me! What I should do, goddamnit, is call the police! GONZO The cops? DUKE There's no choice. I wouldn't dare go to sleep with you wandering around with a head full of acid and wanting to slice me up with that goddamn knife! GONZO (mumbles) Who said anything about slicing you up? I just wanted to carve a little Z on your forehead. Nothing serious. GONZO shrugs and reaches for a cigarette on top of the TV set. DUKE (menaces him with the MACE) Get back in that tub. Eat some reds and try to calm down. Smoke some grass, shoot some smack -- shit, do whatever you have to do, but let me get some rest. GONZO turns toward the bathroom -- suddenly sad. GONZO Hell, yes. You really need some sleep. You have to work. Goddamn. What a bummer. Try to rest. Don't let me keep you up. 49. GONZO shuffles back into the bathroom. DUKE wedges a chair up against the bathroom doorknob and puts the mace can next to the clock. DUKE turns on the TV. WHITE NOISE FILLS THE ROOM. He collapses onto the sofa and lights up his lightbulb as pipe. DUKE (V/O) Ignore the nightmare in the bathroom. Just another ugly refugee from the Love Generation. The WHITE NOISE snow storm on the TV is reflected in his face. The camera pulls back revealing THE ENTIRE WALL BEHIND HIM TO BE SWIRLING WITH THE FIZZING SNOWSTORM PATTERN. DUKE (V/O) My attorney had never been able to accept the notion -- often espoused by former drug abusers -- that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. And neither have I, for that matter. The pattern on the wall changes to A 60'S VISCOUS OIL LIGHTSHOW PATTERN. With DUKE still sitting in the foreground, the projected image widens to reveal the interior of A HAIGHT ASHBURY DANCE HALL full of DANCING PROTO-HIPPIES. INT. MATRIX CLUB - NIGHT A slightly YOUNGER DUKE moves through the throng. All the action is in a DREAMLIKE SLOW-MOTION. DUKE (V/O) I recall one night in the Matrix. There I was -- a victim of the Drug Explosion. A natural street freak, just eating whatever came by. A ROAD-PERSON with a big pack on his back is shouting. The sound of his voice, like his movements, is in slow-motion. ROAD-PERSON Anybody want some L...S...D...? I got all the makin's right here. All I need is a place to cook. The camera pushes right into the ROAD-PERSON's mouth. INT. MATRIX MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Still in slow motion, the YOUNGER DUKE is trying to eat a HUGE SPANSULE OF ACID. With difficulty. 50. DUKE (V/O) I decided to eat only half at first. Good thinking. But I spilled the rest on the sleeve of my red Pendleton shirt. DUKE stares at his sleeve, uncertain what to do. C/U of the door to the men's room as a MUSICIAN enters speaking in slow-motion. MUSICIAN What's the trouble? DUKE (also in slow-motion) Well, all this white stuff on my sleeve is LSD. The MUSICIAN approaches and looks down at DUKE'S arm. A long pause. Cut back to tight shot of door as it opens and a very clean- cut, PREPPY, STOCKBROKER TYPE enters. He freezes in horror. We cut to his POV. DUKE is standing in the middle of the men's room with the MUSICIAN hunkered down at his side... sucking on his sleeve. A very gross tableau. The STOCKBROKER slowly eases out of the room. DUKE (V/O) With a bit of luck his life was ruined -- forever thinking that just behind some narrow door in all his favorite bars, men in red Pendleton shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know. INT. A BAR - YEARS LATER - NIGHT The STOCKBROKER LOOKING CONSIDERABLY OLDER sits looking lost, confused, a nervous wreck. The image flares out in a TV white noise snowstorm. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE sits staring at the TV. 51. DUKE (V/O) Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. (he gets up, pours himself a drink) Has it been five years? Six? It seems like a lifetime -- the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant. DUKE throws open the curtains. Light streams in. EXT. 1965 STOCK FOOTAGE We are in SAN FRANCISCO. IMAGES OF THE TIME FLOOD IN. DUKE (V/O) THERE WAS MADNESS IN ANY DIRECTION, AT ANY HOUR... YOU COULD STRIKE SPARKS ANYWHERE. THERE WAS A FANTASTIC UNIVERSAL SENSE THAT WHATEVER WE WERE DOING WAS RIGHT, THAT WE WERE WINNING. AND THAT, I THINK, WAS THE HANDLE -- THAT SENSE OF INEVITABLE VICTORY OVER THE FORCES OF OLD AND EVIL. NOT IN ANY MEAN OR MILITARY SENSE; WE DIDN'T NEED THAT. OUR ENERGY WOULD SIMPLY prevail. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave... DUKE'S FACE IS SUFFUSED WITH A SADNESS AND SERENITY WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. DUKE (V/O) So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high water mark -- that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. 52. The memories dissolve into the night skyline of Vegas. Suddenly towering over the casinos is a 200 foot high Nazi shouting "WOODSTOCK ÜBER ALLES!" INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE closes the curtain. The room is in darkness again. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAWN A harsh door buzzer. DUKE jerks awake. Alone. Looking like shit. Around him is the wreckage of their stay. DUKE (V/O) The decision to flee came suddenly. Or maybe not. DUKE opens the door to a BELL BOY with a trolley load of fruit, drinks and flowers... and a smile. BELL BOY Room service! The BELL BOY wheels the trolley across the room -- already stacked with EVEN MORE BOXES OF GOODIES. DUKE (V/O) Maybe I'd planned it all along -- subconsciously waiting for the right moment. The bill was a factor, I think. Because I had no money to pay for it. DUKE slams the door -- starts FRANTICALLY PACKING. DUKE (V/O) Our room service tabs had been running somewhere between $29 and $36 per hour, for forty-eight consecutive hours. Incredible. How could it happen? DUKE sees the DISCARDED WRAPPINGS OF EXPENSIVE, HAND TOOLED LUGGAGE. A sudden thought. He rushes to GONZO's room -- empty. His plastic briefcase remains on the bed... DUKE (V/O) But by the time I asked this question, there was no one around to answer. DUKE opens the briefcase -- finds the .357 MAGNUM inside. 53. DUKE (V/O) My attorney was gone. He must have sensed trouble. QUICK CUT TO: EXT. LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - DAY GONZO WAVES GOODBYE as he boards an airplane with a set of brand-new fine cowhide luggage. DUKE (V/O) Panic. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE emerges with his bag and Gonzo's plastic briefcase -- leaves the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door -- checks both ways, then hurries away down the corridor. DUKE (V/O) It crept up my spine like first rising vibes of an acid frenzy. All these horrible realities began to dawn on me. INT. MINT HOTEL ELEVATOR - DAY An anxiety ridden DUKE watches the floor numbers as the elevator descends. He searches his pockets... DUKE (V/O) Here I was, alone in Las Vegas, with this goddamned incredibly expensive car, completely twisted on drugs, no cash, no story for the magazine. And on top of everything else I had a gigantic goddamn hotel bill to deal with. DUKE finds a last crumpled $5 bill. The door opens. A SECURITY GUARD enters with an OLD LADY IN HANDCUFFS. DUKE hides the bill -- crams back into the corner. Doors close. DUKE (V/O) I didn't even know who had won the race. Maybe nobody. 54. INT. MINT HOTEL LOBBY - DAY DUKE hurries out of the elevator -- eyes on a hovering MANAGER. Past the curious look of the reception CLERK. DUKE (muttering to himself) How would Horatio Alger have handled this situation? EXT. MINT HOTEL - DAY Motoring, DUKE gives his $5 bill to the HOTEL FRONT DOORMAN with a smile. The DOORMAN blows a frantic whistle and waves at the CAR BOY. DUKE (V/O) Stay calm. Stay calm. I'm a relatively respectable citizen -- a multiple felon, perhaps, but certainly not dangerous. The CAR BOY pulls up with a screech. DUKE jumps in. The back seat is stacked with bars of Neutrogena, piles of Mint 400 t-shirts, boxes of grapefruit. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Luckily, I had taken the soap and grapefruit and other luggage out to the car a few hours earlier. Now it was only a matter of slipping the noose... DUKE shifts into drive. Deliverance! CLERK'S VOICE MR. DUKE! DUKE freezes. CLERK'S VOICE Mr. Duke! We've been looking for you! DUKE (V/O) The game was up! They had me. DUKE (to himself) Well, why not? Many fine books have been written in prison. 55. Resigned, DUKE turns off the ignition. A young CLERK arrives breathlessly with a smile and a YELLOW LETTER IN HIS HAND. CLERK Sir? (thrusts out a TELEGRAM) This telegram came for you. Actually, it isn't for you. It's for somebody named Thompson, but it says 'care of Raoul Duke'. does that make sense? DUKE (barely able to speak) Yes... It makes sense. DUKE stuffs the telegram into his top pocket. The CLERK peers into the car -- sees part of the enormous stash inside. CLERK I checked the register for this man Thompson. We don't show him but I figured he might be part of your team. DUKE He is. Don't worry, I'll get it to him. He fires up the engine -- eases the RED SHARK into low gear. SECURITY GUARDS are looking across -- sharing a quiet word or two. CLERK What confused us was Dr. Gonzo's signature on the telegram from Los Angeles. When we knew he was right here in the hotel. DUKE You did the right thing. Never try to understand a press message. About half the time we use codes -- especially with Dr. Gonzo. CLERK Tell me. When will the doctor be awake? 56. DUKE (tenses) Awake? What do you mean? DUKE's eyes are on the SECURITY GUARDS -- moving closer. CLERK (uncomfortably) Well... the manager, Mr. Heem, would like to meet him. Nothing unusual. Mr. Heem likes to meet all our large accounts... put them on a personal basis... just a chat and a handshake, you understand. DUKE Of course. But if I were you, I'd leave the Doctor alone until after he's eaten breakfast. He's a very crude man. DUKE edges the car forward, but is stopped by the CLERK. CLERK But he will be available? Perhaps later this morning? DUKE Look. That telegram was all scrambled. It was actually from Thompson, not to him. Western Union must have gotten the names reversed. I have to get going. I have to get out to the track. CLERK There's no hurry! The race is over! DUKE (taking off) Not for me. He waves the CLERK off the car -- roars away. CLERK Let's have lunch! DUKE Righto! EXT. ROAD OUT OF VEGAS - DAY DUKE drives the RED SHARK out of Vegas. 57. A "YOU ARE LEAVING LAS VEGAS" sign flashes past. Bob Dylan plays: "Memphis Blues Again -- "Aaww, Mama, can this really by the end...?" A sign: LOS ANGELES -- 400 miles. DUKE (V/O) Jesus, bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing -- intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out! The weasels were closing in. I could smell the ugly brutes. Flee! DUKE drives fast. DUKE Do me one last favor Lord: just give me five more high-speed hours before you bring the hammer down; just let me get rid of this goddamn car and off of this horrible desert. A sign flashes "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE." A patrol car pulls out behind him, lights flashing. DUKE (CONT'D) You evil bastard! This is your work! You'd better take care of me, Lord... because if you don't you're going to have me on your hands. The patrol car screams after the RED SHARK. DUKE (V/O) Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a Highway Traffic Cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. DUKE floors the gas pedal. DUKE (V/O) It arouses contempt in the cop heart. THE SPEEDOMETER CLIMBS STEADILY. 58. DUKE (V/O) Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you're about to turn right. DUKE signals right. The RED SHARK screams at 120 mph. DUKE (V/O) This is to let him know you're looking for a proper place to pull off and talk. AN EXIT OFF RAMP: MAX SPEED 25. DUKE hits the brakes. The COP brakes. DUKE (V/O) It will take him a moment to realize that he is about to make 180 degree turn at speed... but you will be ready for it, braced for the G's and the fast heel toe work. The patrol car spins and fishtails crazily out of control. EXT. SCENIC PICNIC AREA - DAY The patrol car comes skidding around the corner. DUKE stands beside the RED SHARK, completely relaxed and smiling. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN gets out of the car, screaming. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Just what the FUCK did you think you were doing?! DUKE smiles. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN May I see your license. DUKE Of course, officer. DUKE reaches for it. And BOTH MEN look down at a beer can -- which DUKE had, somehow, forgotten was in his hand. DUKE (V/O) I knew I was fucked. The COP relaxes -- actually smiles... He reaches out for DUKE's wallet, then holds out his other hand for the beer. 59. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Could I have that, please? DUKE Why not? It was getting warm anyway. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN takes it, pours out the beer -- glances in the back seat of the RED SHARK. Amongst the bars of soap... A case of warm beer. DUKE smiles back at him. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You realize... DUKE Yeah. I know. I'm guilty. I understand that. I knew it was a crime but I did it anyway. Shit, why argue? I'm a fucking criminal. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN That's a strange attitude. He looks at DUKE thoughtfully. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You know -- I get the feeling you could use a nap. There's a rest area up ahead. Why don't you pull over and sleep a few hours? DUKE A nap won't help. I've been awake for too long -- three or four nights. I can't even remember. If I go to sleep now, I'm dead for twenty hours. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN smiles. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Okay. Here's how it is. What goes into my book, as of noon, is that I apprehended you... for driving too fast, and advised you to proceed no further than the next rest area... your stated destination, right? Where you plan to take a long nap. Do I make myself clear? DUKE How far is Baker? I was hoping to stop there for lunch. 60. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Not my jurisdiction. The city limits are two point two miles beyond the rest area. Can you make it that far? DUKE I'll try. I've been wanting to go to Baker for a long time. I've heard a lot about it. The PATROLMAN holds the door for DUKE who gets in. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Excellent seafood. With a mind like yours, you'll probably want to try the land-crab. Try the Majestic Diner. The PATROLMAN slams the door shut. EXT. DESERT ROAD - DAY DUKE drives away -- teeth gritted. DUKE (V/O) I felt raped. The Pig had done me on all fronts, and now he was going off to chuckle about it -- on the west side of town, waiting for me to make a run for L.A. DUKE drives past the rest area to an intersection where he signals to turn right into Baker. As he approaches the turn he sees the HITCHHIKER! As DUKE slows to make the turn their eyes meet. DUKE is about to wave -- but the HITCHHIKER drops his thumb. DUKE Great Jesus, it's him. DUKE, spooked, SPINS THE RED SHARK round -- ROARS BACK THE WAY HE CAME. EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE on the public phone booth -- screaming. DUKE They've nailed me! I'm trapped in some stinking desert crossroads called Baker. I don't have much time. The fuckers are closing in. They'll hunt me down like a beast! 61. INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO sits surrounded by legal papers and law books. Mexican Day of the Dead masks hang from the walls -- flame-red demons. GONZO Who? You sound a little paranoid. EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE screams -- sweat pouring. DUKE You bastard! I need a lawyer immediately! INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO What are you doing in Baker? Didn't you get my telegram? EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE What? Fuck telegrams. I'm in trouble. You worthless bastard. I'll cripple your ass for this! All that shit in the car is yours! You understand that? When I finish testifying out here you'll be disbarred! INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO You're supposed to be in Vegas. We have a suite at the Flamingo. I was just about to leave for the airport. INT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE pulls out the telegram from his top pocket. GONZO'S VOICE You brainless scumbag! You're supposed to be covering the National District Attorney's conference! I made all the reservations... rented a white Cadillac convertible... the whole thing is arranged! What the hell are you doing out there in the middle of the fucking desert? 62. DUKE stares at the telegram. DUKE Never mind. It's all a big joke. I'm actually sitting beside the pool at the Flamingo. I'm talking from a portable phone. Some dwarf brought it out from the casino. I have total credit! Can you grasp that? (shouts) Don't come anywhere near this place! Foreigners aren't welcome here! DUKE, breathing heavily, hangs up phone. EXT. DESERT - DAY C/U of .357 Magnum cylinder being spun. DUKE (V/O) Well. This is how the world works. C/U An IGUANA basks in the sun. DUKE (V/O) All energy flows according to the whims of the Great Magnet. C/U Barrel of the gun. It fires. An explosion of desert dirt. DUKE (V/O) What a fool I was to defy Him. The IGUANA sits unfazed. DUKE (V/O) Never cross the Great Magnet. I understood this now... (another blast from the gun) ... and with understanding came a sense of almost terminal relief. DUKE stands alone in the vast desert firing at nothing, the thuds of the explosions echo away. EXT. ROAD INTO VEGAS - DAY The RED SHARK driving back towards Las Vegas. 63. DUKE (V/O) I had to get rid of The Shark. Too many people might recognize it... ...especially the Vegas Police. (tight C/U of DUKE) Luckily, my credit card was still technically valid. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: DUKE, now driving a white Cadillac Coupe de Ville -- THE WHITE WHALE. DUKE pushes buttons -- lowers the top. DUKE (V/O) This was a superior machine -- ten grand worth of gimmicks and high price special effects. The rear windows leapt up with a touch like frogs in a dynamited pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand. EXT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - AFTERNOON A GIANT SIGN: THE FLAMINGO WELCOMES THE NATIONAL DA'S CONFERENCE ON NARCOTICS & DANGEROUS DRUGS. DUKE (V/O) If the Pigs were gathering in Vegas, I felt the Drug Culture should be represented as well... and there was a certain bent appeal in the notion of running a savage burn on one Las Vegas hotel and then just wheeling across town and checking into another. The WHITE WHALE turns into a VIP parking slot, immediately attended by impressed MINIONS. DUKE (V/O) Me and a thousand ranking cops from all over America. Why not? Move confidently into their midst. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL LOBBY - AFTERNOON DUKE enters -- old Levis, grubby sneakers, 10 peso Acapulco shirt coming apart at the seams, 3 day growth, eyes hidden behind mirror shades. He heads for the check-in line. 64. DUKE (V/O) My arrival was badly timed. THE PLACE IS FULL OF COPS. 200 of them, on vacation, all dressed in cut price Vegas casuals: plaid Bermuda shorts, Arnie Palmer golf shirts, and rubberized beach sandals. Ahead of DUKE -- A POLICE CHIEF argues with the DESK CLERK. The POLICE CHIEF'S AGNEW STYLE WIFE stands to the side, weeping. The POLICE CHIEF'S FRIENDS stand uneasily around. POLICE CHIEF What do you mean I'm too late to register? I'm a police chief. From Michigan. Look, fella, I told you. (waves a POSTCARD) I have a postcard here that says I have reservations in this hotel. CLERK (prissily) I'm sorry, sir. You're on the "late list." Your reservations were transferred to the... ah... Moonlight Motel, which is out on Paradise Boulevard... POLICE CHIEF I've already paid for my goddamn room! CLERK It's actually a very fine place of lodging and only sixteen blocks from here, with its own pool and... POLICE CHIEF You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm tired of listening to this dogshit! FRIENDS restrain the POLICE CHIEF. CLERK (solicitously) I'm so sorry, sir. May I call you a cab? The POLICE CHIEF's screamed insults fade away... DUKE (V/O) Of course, I could hear what the Clerk was really saying... 65. CLERK (IN DUKE'S IMAGINATION) Listen, you fuzzy little shithead -- I've been fucked around, in my time, by a fairly good cross- section of mean-tempered rule-crazy cops and now it's MY turn. "Fuck you, officer, I'm in charge here, and I'm telling you we don't have room for you." DUKE steps to the desk, around the raging POLICE CHIEF. DUKE Say. I hate to interrupt, but I wonder if maybe I could just sort of slide through and get out of your way. Name's Raoul Duke -- Raoul Duke. My attorney made the reservation. DUKE snaps a credit card down onto the counter. EVERYONE goes silent. The POLICE CHIEF GROUP stares at him like he was some kid of water rat crawling up to the desk. The CLERK hits the bell for the BELLBOY. CLERK Certainly, Mr. Duke! DUKE My bags are out there in that white Cadillac convertible. Can you have someone drive it around to the room? ALL EYES turn to the gleaming WHITE WHALE. DUKE Oh, and could I get a quart of Wild Turkey, two fifths of Baccardi, and a night's worth of ice delivered to my room, please? CLERK Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just enjoy your stay. DUKE Well, thank you. DUKE gives the POLICE CHIEF a polite smile -- crosses to the elevator -- turns to face the GAWPING COPS -- pops a can of beer and toasts them. The doors close. 66. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY DUKE rams the key home -- swings the door open. DUKE Ah, home at last! INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - AFTERNOON DUKE enters. The door hits something with a thud. A 16-year-old GIRL with the aura of an angry Pit Bull. GONZO stands in the bathroom doorway -- stark naked with a drug-addled grin on his face. DUKE You degenerate pig! GONZO It can't be helped. This is Lucy. (laughing distractedly) You know--like "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds." LUCY eyes DUKE venomously. GONZO Lucy! Lucy, be cool, goddamnit! Remember what happened at the airport! No more of that, okay? LUCY keeps her eyes on DUKE. GONZO idles over and puts his arm round her shoulder. GONZO Lucy... this is my client. This is Mr. Duke, the famous journalist. He's paying for this suite, Lucy. He's on our side. DUKE flops onto the sofa. GONZO Mr. Duke is my friend. He loves artists. DUKE notices for the first time that the room is full of artwork. Maybe 40 or 50 portraits, some in oil, some in charcoal, all more or less the same size and same face. GONZO Lucy paints portraits of Barbra Streisand. 67. LUCY I drew these from TV. GONZO Fantastic. She came all the way down here from Montana just to give these portraits to Barbra. We're going over to the Americana Hotel tonight to meet her backstage... DUKE's voice rises above GONZO. DUKE (V/O) I desperately needed peace, rest, sanctuary. I hadn't counted on this. Finding my attorney on acid and locked into some kind of preternatural courtship. DUKE Well, I guess they brought the car round by now. LET'S GET THE STUFF OUT OF THE TRUNK. DUKE fixes GONZO hard. GONZO Absolutely, LET'S GET THE STUFF. (to LUCY) Now, we'll be right back. Don't answer the phone if it rings. LUCY (makes one-fingered Jesus freak sign) God bless. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY DUKE collars GONZO -- serious. DUKE WELL? What are your plans? GONZO Plans? DUKE Lucy. 68. GONZO (struggling to focus) Shit. I met her on the plane and I had all that acid. (he shrugs) You know, those little blue barrels. I gave her a cap before I realized... she's a religious freak... Jesus, she's never even had a drink. DUKE Well... It'll probably work out. We can keep her loaded and peddle her ass at the drug convention. GONZO stares uneasily at DUKE. GONZO Listen, she's running away from home for something like the fifth time in six months. It's terrible. DUKE She's perfect for this gig. These cops will go fifty bucks a head to beat her into submission and then gang fuck her. We can set her up in one of these back street motels, hang pictures of Jesus all over the room, then turn these pigs loose on her... Hell she's strong; she'll hold her own. GONZO's face twitches badly. GONZO Jesus Christ. I knew you were sick but I never expected to hear you actually say that kind of stuff. DUKE It's straight economics. This girl is a god-send. Shit, she can make us a grand a day. GONZO NO! Stop talking like that. DUKE I figure she can do about four at a time. Christ, if we keep her full of acid that's more like two grand a day. Maybe three. 69. GONZO You filthy bastard. I should cave your fucking head in. DUKE In a few hours, she'll probably be sane enough to work herself into a towering Jesus-based rage at the hazy recollection of being seduced by some kind of cruel Samoan who fed her liquor and LSD, dragged her to a Vegas hotel room and savagely penetrated every orifice in her body with his throbbing, uncircumcised member. GONZO starts crying. GONZO NO! I felt sorry for the girl, I wanted to help her! DUKE You'll go straight to the gas chamber. And even if you manage to beat that, they'll send you back to Nevada for Rape and Consensual Sodomy. She's got to go. Pause. GONZO Shit, it doesn't pay to try to help somebody these days. A silence. DUKE (V/O) The only alternative was to take her out to the desert and feed her remains to the lizards. But, it seemed a bit heavy for the thing we were trying to protect: My attorney. GONZO We have to cut her loose. She's got two hundred dollars. And we can always call the cops up there in Montana, where she lives, and turn her in. DUKE What?... What kind of goddamn monster are you? 70. GONZO It just occurred to me, that she has no witnesses. Anything that she says about us is completely worthless. DUKE Us? INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - SUNSET DUKE is speaking into the phone in hushed tones. DUKE Hotel Americana? I need a reservation. For my niece. Listen, I need her treated very gently. She's an artist, and might seem a trifle highstrung... In the background GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings out the door. GONZO Okay, Lucy, it's time to go meet Barbra... DUKE (V/O) I felt like a Nazi, but it had to be done. EXT. ON THE STREETS - A CAB STAND - DUSK The WHITE WHALE pulls up -- DUKE at the wheel. GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings from the car. DUKE (V/O) Lucy was a potentially fatal millstone on both our necks. There was absolutely no choice but to cut her adrift and hope her memory was fucked. GONZO unrolls a couple of bills -- pays off a CAB DRIVER -- waves to LUCY in the back with her paintings. She's starting to come down... GONZO gets back in the WHITE WHALE and slaps his hands together as if washing his hands of the situation. GONZO Well that's that. Take off slowly. Don't attract attention. 71. They pull out into traffic. EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - DUSK GONZO I gave the cabbie an extra ten bucks to make sure she gets there safe. Also, I told him I'd be there myself in an hour, and if she wasn't, I'd come back out here and rip his lungs out. DUKE That's good. You can't be subtle in this town. GONZO As your attorney, I advise you to tell me where you put the goddamn mescaline. DUKE Maybe we should take it easy tonight. GONZO Right. Let's find a good seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon. I feel a powerful lust for red salmon... The electric WHITE WHALE heads off down the Strip. The sun's going down behind the scrub hills, a good Kristofferson tune croaks on the radio in the warm dusk. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - BATHROOM - NEXT MORNING GONZO throws up in the toilet bowl. In the background, DUKE opens curtains. Daylight blinds him. DUKE Come on, we're going to be late. GONZO looks up at his sick reflection -- wipes his mouth with a towel. GONZO This goddamn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure? Maybe mix it up with Rolaids or something. 72. INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - DAY EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR (crackling and booming over the lousy sound system) On behalf of the prosecuting attorneys of this county, I welcome you to the Third National DA's Conference on Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. The EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR -- well groomed, GOP businessman type -- speaks from the podium. A banner behind him reads: NATIONAL DA'S CONVENTION 1971. "If You Don't Know, Come To Learn... If You Know, Come To Teach." A BIG MIXED CROWD: TOP LEVEL STRAIGHT COPS, UNDERCOVER NARCS AND OTHER TWILIGHT TYPES -- beards, mustaches and super-Mod dress. Just because you're a cop, doesn't mean you can't be WITH IT! However, for every URBAN-HIPSTER there are around 20 REDNECKS. A dozen big, low-fidelity speakers mounted on steel poles distort and feed back the EXECUTIVE's voice through the room. At the back, under a loudspeaker, sits DUKE -- $40 FBI wingtips, a Pat Boone madras sportcoat, and an official name tag: RAOUL DUKE, PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, L.A. GONZO sits beside him. His name tag: DR. GONZO. EXPERT, CRIMINAL DRUG ANALYSIS. He's nervous -- close to the edge. GONZO (lowers his voice) I saw these bastards in Easy Rider, but I didn't believe they were real. Not like this. Not hundreds of them! DUKE They're actually nice people when you get to know them. GONZO Man, I know these people in my goddamn blood! DUKE Don't mention that word around here. You'll get them excited. GONZO This is a fucking nightmare. 73. DUKE Right. Sure as hell some dope- dealing bomb freak is going to recognize you and put the word out that you're partying with a thousand cops. COP IN BACK SSSSHHH! DR. BLUMQUIST -- a "drug expert" -- takes the stage. DR. BLUMQUIST We must come to terms with the Drug Culture in the country... country... country... The sound systems echoes. DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D) The reefer butt is called a "roach," because it resembles a cockroach... cockroach... cockroach... GONZO (whispers) What the fuck are these people talking about? You'd have to be crazy on acid to think a joint looked like a goddamn cockroach! DUKE (V/O) It was clear that we had stumbled into a prehistoric gathering. DR. BLUMQUIST Now, there are four states of being in the cannabis, or marijuana, society: Cool, Groovy, Hip, and Square. The square is seldom if ever cool. He is not "with it," that is, he doesn't know "what's happening." But if he manages to figure it out, he moves up a notch to "hip." DUKE and GONZO listen in disbelief. DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D) And if he can bring himself to approve of what is happening, he becomes "groovy." After that, with much luck and perseverance, he can rise to the rank of "cool." A cool guy... cool guy... cool guy... 74. COP IN BACK Dr. Bloomquist, do you think the anthropologist, Margaret Mead's strange behavior of late might possibly be explained by a private marijuana addiction? DR. BLUMQUIST I really don't know, but at her age, if she did smoke grass, she'd have one hell of a trip! Roars of laughter. GONZO I know a hell of a lot better ways to waste my time than listening to this bullshit. He stands, knocking the ashtray off his chair arm, and plunges down the aisle to the door. COP IN BACK Down in front! GONZO Fuck you! I have to get out! I don't belong here! COP IN BACK Good riddance! He stumbles from the room. DUKE turns his attention back to the stage. The lights go down. A black & white film -- REEFER MADNESS! -- illustrates his now evangelical talk. FILM NARRATOR KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND! YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension... DUKE turns his attention to a 340 pound TEXAN POLICE CHIEF who necks with his 290 pound WIFE beside him. FILM NARRATOR ... and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim... 75. DUKE gazes at the TEXAN and his WIFE. -- Feigning sickness, he gets up, hand over mouth. DUKE Pardon me, I feel sick. FILM NARRATOR He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command -- including yours... DUKE heads for the exit. DUKE Sorry, sick... Beg pardon! Feeling sick... FILM NARRATOR BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time [on him] will usually save nine on you. DUKE CRASHES OUT THROUGH THE DOOR. INT. CASINO BAR - DAY DUKE sees GONZO at the bar -- talking to a SPORTY LOOKING COP about 40 whose name tag identifies him as a DISTRICT ATTORNEY FROM GEORGIA. DA I'm a whiskey man myself. We don't have much trouble from drugs where I come from... GONZO You will. One of these nights you'll wake up and find a junkie tearing your bedroom apart. DA Naw! GONZO They'll climb right into your bedroom and sit on your chest with big Bowie knives. They might even sit on your wife's chest. Put the blade right down on her throat. 76. DA Not down in my parts. DUKE joins them. DUKE (to WAITRESS) Rum and ice, please. DA (looks at DUKE'S NAME TAG) You're another one of these California boys. Your friend here's been tellin' us about dope fiends. DUKE They're everywhere. Nobody's safe. And sure as hell not in the South. They like warm weather... You'd never believe it. In L.A. it's out of control. First it was drugs, now it's witchcraft. DA Witchcraft? Shit, you can't mean it! The BARTENDER cleans his glasses, one ear straining for the conversation. GONZO Read the newspapers. DUKE Man, you don't know trouble until you have to face down a bunch of these addicts gone crazy for human sacrifice! DA Naw! That's science fiction stuff! DUKE Not where we operate. GONZO Hell, in Malibu alone, these goddamn Satan worshippers kill six or eight people every day. All they want is the blood. They'll take people right off the street if they have to. 77. DUKE Just the other day we had a case where they grabbed a girl right out of a McDonald's hamburger stand. She was a waitress, about sixteen years old... with a lot of people watching, too! The BARTENDER keeps cleaning the same glass -- more and more furiously. DA What happened? What did they do to her? GONZO Do? Jesus Christ, man. They chopped her goddamn head off right there in the parking lot! Then they cut all kinds of holes in her head and sucked out the blood! DA (DA ad-libs a summation of the crime) And nobody did anything? DUKE What could they do? The guy that took the head was about six-seven, and maybe three-hundred pounds. He was packing two Lugers, and the others had M-16s. GONZO They just ran back out into Death Valley -- you know, where Manson turned up... DUKE Like big lizards. GONZO ... and every one of them stacked naked... DA Naked!? DUKE Naked. 78. GONZO Yeh, naked!... except for the weapons. DUKE They were all veterans. DA Veterans?!!!? Agog with the horrors of the story, the BARTENDER polishes the glass -- faster and faster... GONZO Yeh. The big guy used to be a major in the Marines. DA A major! GONZO We know where he lives, but we can't get near the house. DA Naw! Not a major. GONZO He wanted the pineal gland. DA Really? GONZO That's how he got so big. When he quit the Marines he was just a little guy. DUKE Usually, it's whole families. During the night. Most of them don't even wake up until they feel their heads going -- and then, of course, it's too late. The glass smashes in the BARTENDER's hand. DUKE (CONT'D) Happens every day. DUKE turns to a WAITRESS with a warm smile. 79. DUKE (CONT'D) Three more rums. Plenty of ice. Maybe a handful of lime chunks. WAITRESS Are you guys with the police convention upstairs? DA We sure are, Miss. WAITRESS I thought so. I never heard that kind of talk around here before. Jesus Christ! How do you guys stand that kind of work? GONZO (grinning) We like it. It's groovy. The WAITRESS stares -- sickened -- at GONZO. DUKE What's wrong with you? Hell, somebody has to do it. GONZO Hurry up with those drinks. We're thirsty. Only two rums. Make mine a Bloody Mary. DA (whacks his fist on the bar) Hell, I really hate to hear this. Because everything that happens in California seems to get down our way, sooner or later. Mostly Atlanta. But that was back when the goddamn bastards were peaceful. All we had to do was to keep 'em under surveillance. They didn't roam around much... But now Jesus, it seems nobody's safe. GONZO (with a conspiratorial nod) You're going to need to take the bull by the horns -- go to the mat with this scum. 80. DA What do you mean by that? GONZO You know what I mean. We've done it before and we can damn well do it again! DUKE Cut their goddamn heads off. Every one of them. That's what we're doing in California. DA (stupefied) WHAT? GONZO Sure. It's all on the Q.T., but everybody who matters is with us all the way down the line. DUKE We keep it quiet. It's not the kind of thing you'd want to talk about upstairs. Not with the press around. DA (recovering slightly) Hell, no. We'd never hear the goddamn end of it. DUKE Dobermans don't talk. DA What? GONZO Sometimes it's easier to just rip out the backstraps. DUKE They'll fight like hell if you try to take the head without the dogs. DA God almighty! (muttering in a daze) I don't think I should tell my wife about this. She'd never understand. You know how women are. 81. DUKE gives the DA a brotherly slap on the back. DUKE Just be thankful your heart is young and strong. DUKE and GONZO leave the stunned DA -- staring into the swirling ice in drink. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY DUKE and GONZO fall into the suite in fits of laughter. GONZO feels the nausea rise suddenly -- heads for the bathroom. Immediate sounds of retching. The phone message light is blinking. DUKE opens a beer, picks up the phone. DUKE What's the message? My light is blinking. CLERK (V/O) Ah, yes. Mr. Duke? You have one message: "Call Lucy at the Americana Hotel, room 1600." DUKE Holy shit! DUKE slams the phone down. GONZO emerges from the bathroom -- looking like death. DUKE Lucy called. GONZO sags visibly -- like an animal taking a bullet. GONZO What? The telephone rings. DUKE answers. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - RECEPTION - DAY A worried CLERK speaks in to the phone. CLERK Mr. Duke? Hello, Mr. Duke, I'm sorry we were cut off a moment ago... I thought I should call again, because I was wondering... 82. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE WHAT? (hand over the PHONE) What was that crazy bitch said to him? (screams) There's a war on, man! People are being killed! CLERK (V/O) Killed? DUKE IN VIETNAM! ON THE GODDAMN TELEVISION! CLERK (V/O) Oh... yes... yes... This terrible war. When will it end? DUKE Tell me. What do you want? In the background GONZO is upturning a sofa to retrieve his stash from the lining. CLERK (V/O) The woman who left that message for you sounded very disturbed. I think she was crying... DUKE Crying? Why was she crying? CLERK (V/O) Well, uh. She didn't say Mr. Duke. But since I know you're here with the Police Convention... DUKE Look, you want to be gentle with that woman if she ever calls again. We're watching her very carefully... this woman has been into laudanum. It's a controlled experiment, but I suspect we'll need your cooperation before this thing is over. CLERK (V/O) (hesitantly) Well, certainly... We're always happy to cooperate with the police... 83. DUKE Don't worry. You're protected. Just treat this poor woman like you'd treat any other human being in trouble. CLERK (V/O) What? Ah... yes, yes, I see what you mean... Yes... so, you'll be responsible then? DUKE Of course. And now I have to get back to the news. Send up some ice. He hangs up. GONZO zaps TV channels -- commercials. GONZO Good work. They'll treat us like goddamn lepers after that. DUKE (slowly, carefully) Lucy is looking for you. GONZO (laughing) No, she's looking for you. DUKE Me? GONZO She really flipped over you. The only way I could get rid of her was by saying you were taking me out to the desert for a showdown -- that you wanted me out of the way so you could have her all to yourself. (laughing again) I guess she figures you won. That phone message wasn't for me, was it? A look of stunned realization from DUKE... INT. FANTASY COURT ROOM - DAY LUCY is on the witness stand. LUCY Yessir, those two men in the dock are the ones who gave me the LSD and took me to the hotel. 84. A doomed DUKE and GONZO await their fate. LUCY I don't know for sure what they done to me, but I remember it was horrible. JUDGE Twenty years... and Double Castration! The JUDGE bangs his gavel. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY DUKE is madly stuffing his suitcase. GONZO Wait! You can't leave me alone in this snake pit. This room is in my name. DUKE KEEPS PACKING. GONZO is looking worried. GONZO OK, goddamnit!... Look... I'll call her. I'll get her off our backs. You're right. She's my problem. DUKE It's gone too far. GONZO Relax. Let me handle this. (dials the PHONE, snaps angrily at DUKE) You'd make a piss-poor lawyer. ...Room 1600, please. (to DUKE) As your attorney, I advise you not to worry. (nods towards bathroom) Take a hit out of that little brown bottle in my shaving kit. DUKE goes in the bathroom. He finds a little bottle -- a label: "DRINK ME." DUKE What is this? 85. GONZO You won't need much. Just a little tiny taste, that stuff makes pure mescaline seem like ginger-beer. Adrenochrome. DUKE stares wonderingly at the bottle. DUKE Adrenochrome... GONZO (into PHONE) Hi, Lucy? Yeah, it's me. I got your message...what? Hell, no, I taught the bastard a lesson he'll never forget... what? No, not dead, but he won't be bothering anybody for a while. Yeah. I left him out there, I stomped him, then pulled all his teeth out... DUKE (V/O) I remember thinking, "Jesus, what a terrible thing to lay on somebody with a head full of acid." DUKE dips a match head into the brown bottle -- studies it -- TASTES IT -- NOTHING -- TASTES SOME MORE... GONZO (to PHONE) But here's the problem. That bastard cashed a bad check downstairs and gave you as a reference. They'll be looking for both of you. Yeah, I know, but you can't judge a book by its cover, Lucy. Some people are just basically rotten... Anyway, the last thing you want to do is call this hotel again; they'll trace the call and put you straight behind bars... no, I'm moving to the Tropicana right away. I have to go, they've got the phone tapped. Yeah, I know, it was horrible, but it's all over now... OH MY GOD! THEY'RE KICKING THE DOOR DOWN! (throws the PHONE down; shouts) No! Get away from me! I'm innocent! It was Duke! I swear to God! (MORE) 86. GONZO (CONT'D) (stomps the PHONE; moans) No, I don't know where she is. You'll never catch Lucy! She's gone! I swear, I don't know where she is! DON'T PUT THAT THING ON ME! (slams the PHONE down) GONZO sits back in his chair... watching MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. GONZO Well. That's that. She's probably stuffing herself down the incinerator about now. That's the last we should be hearing from Lucy. (fumbling with the hash pipe) Where's the opium? DUKE stares at the back of GONZO's neck. SOMETHING VERY STRANGE IS HAPPENING TO HIM... DUKE (V/O) I remember slumping on the bed, his performance had given me a bad jolt. For a moment I thought his mind had snapped -- that he actually believed he was being attacked by invisible enemies. But the room was quiet again. DUKE CLUTCHES THE BROWN BOTTLE. DUKE Where'd you get this? GONZO Never mind, it's absolutely pure. DUKE Jesus... what kind of monster client have you picked up this time? There's only one source for this stuff -- the adrenaline gland from a living human body! GONZO turns to smile at DUKE. 87. GONZO I know, but the guy didn't have any cash to pay me. He's one of these Satanism freaks. He offered me human blood -- said it would take me higher than I've ever been in my life. (laughs -- struts round DUKE -- eyes bright with expectation) I thought he was kidding, so I told him I'd just as soon have an ounce or so of pure adrenochrome -- or maybe just a fresh adrenaline gland to chew on. DUKE (V/O) I could already feel the stuff working on me -- the first wave felt like a combination of mescaline and methedrine -- maybe I should take a swim, I thought... DUKE sees that GONZO is TOYING WITH HIS HUNTING KNIFE... GONZO Yeah, they nailed this guy for child molesting. He swore he didn't do it. "Why should I fuck with children?" he says. "They're too small." Christ, werewolf is entitled to legal counsel. I didn't dare turn the creep down. He might have picked up a letter opener and gone after my pineal gland! GONZO JABS WITH THE RAZOR BRIGHT KNIFE. DUKE'S BODY IS GOING RIGID -- HE SPEAKS THROUGH GRITTED TEETH. DUKE Why not? We should get some of that. Just eat a big handful and see what happens. GONZO Some of what? DUKE (spitting words) Extract of pineal! 88. GONZO (STARING AT DUKE WITH A STRANGE SMILE) Sure. That's a good idea. One whiff of that shit would turn you into something out of a goddamn medical encyclopedia. GONZO GROWS HORNS -- HIS FACE BECOMES A MEXICAN DEMON MASK. GONZO Man, your head would swell up like a watermelon, you'd probably gain about a hundred pounds in two hours... A CLOVEN HOOF BURSTS THROUGH GONZO'S SHOE. DUKE Right! GONZO ... grow claws... bleeding warts. GONZO'S CHEST EXPANDS -- BONY RIBS BURSTING HIS SHIRT. DUKE Yes! GONZO ... then you'd notice about six huge hairy tits swelling up on your back... A TAIL LASHES, HOOFS STRIKE THE FLOOR. GONZO TOWERS -- A FLAME RED DEMON! DUKE Fantastic! DUKE is now so wire that his hands are CLAWING UNCONTROLLABLY at the bedspread, JERKING IT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER HIM. His heels are dug into the mattress with both KNEES LOCKED, EYEBALLS SWELLING. GONZO-DEMON LOOMS AGAINST THE CEILING. GONZO you'd go blind... your body would turn to wax... they'd have to put you in a wheelbarrow and... GONZO'S VOICE FADES AWAY -- DUKE'S frenzied gaze reveals GONZO REVERTED TO NORMAL HUMAN SHAPE AND SIZE. 89. GONZO Man I'll try about anything; but I'd never touch a pineal gland. DUKE FINISH THE FUCKING STORY! What happened?! What about the glands? GONZO, a small smile on his lips, backs away warily... towards the TV -- NOW A HUNDRED FEET AWAY IN THE DISTANCE... GONZO Jesus, that stuff got right on top of you, didn't it. VEINS stand out on DUKE's forehead. He is purplish-red. OVER THE TOP! Too late, he realizes he is NEAR DEATH! DUKE Maybe you could just... shove me into the pool, or something... GONZO shakes his head disgustedly. GONZO If I put you in the pool right now, you'd sink like a goddamn stone. You took too much. Jesus, look at your face, you're about to explode. GONZO sits back down... watching the TV. GONZO Don't try and fight it, or you'll get brain bubbles. Strokes, aneurysms. You'll just wither up and die. DUKE FALLS TO THE GROUND, WRITHING, CATATONIC, SINKING INTO PARALYSIS. AND THE SOUND, SUDDENLY AND STRANGELY, OF THE VOICE OF RICHARD NIXON AND HIS DISTORTED FACE ON THE TV SCREEN. NIXON Sacrifice... sacrifice... sacrifice... DUKE PASSES OUT. BLACK SCREEN 90. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Darkness. Insanely, somewhere NILSSON plays -- "Put the lime in the coconut and mix em all up..." DUKE (V/O) What kind of rat-bastard psychotic would play that song -- right now, at this moment? DUKE opens his eyes and the hotel suite rushes in. He lies, awkwardly twisted -- unable to move. He could have been there days -- months. DUKE (V/O) When I came to the general back alley ambiance of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? Hours? Days? Months? All these signs of violence. What had happened? DUKE moves his eyes -- taking in his surroundings: Like THE SIGHT OF SOME DISASTROUS ZOOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT involving whisky and gorillas. Blue and red Christmas tree lights replace lightbulbs, used towels hanging everywhere, pornographic pictures ripped out of a magazine are plastered on a shattered mirror. DUKE (V/O) There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of drug known to civilized man since 1544 AD. DUKE manages to move -- stiffly gets to his bare feet -- HOBBLES ROUND THE TRASHED ROOM like a newly risen ape. DUKE (V/O) But what kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries? These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau? Maybe so, but then why all this booze? And these crude pornographic photos smeared with mustard that had dried to a hard yellow crust... DUKE peers into Gonzo's room -- HIS BED LIKE A BURNED OUT RAT'S NEST -- blackened springs and wires. 91. DUKE (V/O) These were not the hoof prints of your normal god-fearing junkie. It was too savage, too aggressive. QUICK FLASHBACK: GONZO SMASHES THE TEN FOOT MIRROR WITH A HAMMER: BACK IN THE ROOM: DUKE stares at the smashed mirror. DUKE (V/O) Grim memories and bad flashbacks. In the bathroom, DUKE'S unlaced boots CRUSH BROKEN GLASS IN VOMIT AND GRAPEFRUIT RINDS. DUKE unzips and pisses. THERE IN THE TOILET BOWL IS THE MAGNUM .357! DUKE (V/O) Something ugly had happened. I was sure of it... DUKE stares at the golden stream SPLASHING ON THE GUN. The SOUNDS OF VOMITING come from a closet near the front door. DUKE looks into the room. He sees GONZO's ass sticking out of the closet. He opens his mouth to speak when, IN THE SMASHED MIRROR HE SEES THE FRAGMENTED REFLECTION OF HIMSELF... sleeping on the sofa. The ominous SOUND OF A KEY TURNING in the room lock. A hellish scream wakes up the SLEEPING DUKE. He sees GONZO grappling naked with the maid -- gun to her head. GONZO is muffling her screams with an ice bag. MAID Please... please... I'm only the maid. I didn't mean nothin!... DUKE (jumps up from the bed, flashing his press badge) YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! 92. GONZO (to DUKE) She must have used a pass key. I was polishing my shoes in the closet when I noticed her sneaking in-so I took her. DUKE shakes his head. DUKE (barks at the MAID) What made you do it? Who paid you off? MAID Nobody. I'm the maid! GONZO You're lying! You were after the evidence. Who put you up to this -- the manager? MAID I don't know what you're talking about! GONZO Bullshit! You're just as much a part of it as they are! MAID Part of what? DUKE The dope ring. You must know what's going on in this hotel. Why do you think we're here? MAID (blubbering) I know you're cops, but I thought you were just here for that convention. I swear! All I wanted to do was clean up the room. I don't know anything about dope! GONZO laughs. GONZO Come on, baby don't try to tell us you never heard of the Grange Gorman. 93. MAID No! No! I swear to Jesus I never heard of that stuff! DUKE Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe she's not part of it. MAID No! I swear I'm not! GONZO (long pause) In that case, maybe she can help. MAID Yes! I'll help you all you need! I hate dope! DUKE So do we, lady. GONZO (helping her up) I think we should put her on the payroll. See what she comes up with. DUKE Do you think you can handle it? MAID What? GONZO One phone call every day. Just tell us what you've seen. Don't worry if it doesn't add up, that's our problem. GONZO hustles the MAID to the door. MAID You'd pay me for that? DUKE You're damn right. But the first time you say anything about this, to anybody -- you'll go straight to prison for the rest of your life. What's your name? MAID Alice. Just ring Linen Service and ask for Alice. 94. GONZO Alright, Alice... you'll be contacted by Inspector Rock. Arthur Rock. He'll be posing as a politician. DUKE Inspector Rock will pay you. In cash. A thousand dollars on the ninth of every month. MAID Oh Lord! I'd do just about anything for that! GONZO You and a lot of other people. DUKE The password is: "One Hand Washes The Other." The minute you hear that, you say "I fear nothing." MAID I fear nothing. She repeats the password several times while they listen to make sure she has it right. GONZO Oh, and don't bother to make up the room. That way we won't have to risk another of these little incidents, will we? MAID Whatever you say, gentlemen. I can't tell you how sorry I am about what happened... GONZO Don't worry, it's all over now. Thank God for the decent people. She smiles, repeating to herself "One Hand Washes The Other" as GONZO hangs the DO NOT DISTURB sign and shuts the door. CUT BACK TO THE PRESENT. A grimy tape runs through a grunged-up portable tape recorder. GONZO ON TAPE ... Thank God for the decent people. 95. DUKE sits in the middle of the wrecked suite with his mangled tape recorder in front of him. DUKE (V/O) Memories of that night are extremely hazy... DUKE fast forwards through the tape -- SEARCHING: "Awwww, mama... can this really...be the end...?" EXT. SAFEWAY SUPERMARKET - DAY The WHITE WHALE waits -- gleaming -- beautiful. DUKE (V/O) There is a definite obligation, when you boom around Vegas in a white Coupe de Ville, to maintain a certain style. DUKE and GONZO burst out of the supermarket riding a shopping basket loaded with COCONUTS, GRAPEFRUIT and TEQUILA. They send DEFEATED SHOPPERS sprawling. The trolley collides into the WHITE WHALE. SHOPPERS gather at the supermarket entrance to watch -- baskets loaded with junk, SCREAMING KIDS and EMPTY WALLETS. DUKE switches on the music: JUMPING JACK FLASH. He selects a coconut -- ceremonially balances it on the hood. GONZO pulls out a silver claw-hammer. A sly look at the gathering CROWD... then he smashes the hammer down on the coconut! A GASP from the surly SHOPPERS. DUKE places another coconut. SMASH! Milk and white meat flies everywhere. SHOPPER #1 Hey! Is that your car? DUKE Sure is. SMASH! Coconut fragments fly. DUKE Any of you folks want the milk? We're after the meat. This is honest coconut essence. Real meat. SMASH! 96. SHOPPER #2 Meat, hell! Look what you're doing to that car! GONZO Fuck the car. They should make these things with a goddamn FM radio. SMASH! DUKE Yeh... This foreign made crap -- is sucking our dollar balance dry! SHOPPER #3 Someone should stop them! SMASH! DUKE You poor fools don't understand, do you? This car is the property of the World Bank! That money goes to ITALY! SHOPPER #3 Somebody should call the police! GONZO Police? Are you people crazy? GONZO confronts the CROWD, hammer in one hand, a coconut in the other. GONZO (CONT'D) You folks every heard of ole Patrick Henry? Know what he said?! Silence -- the CROWD uncomprehending of this STONE DEGENERATE. GONZO (CONT'D) (ROARS) GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH! GONZO brings the hammer down on the hood. CLANG! A gasp from the CROWD. Getting ugly. GONZO (CONT'D) In Samoa we LOVE THE CONSTITUTION! SHOPPER #3 Bullshit. 97. The CROWD move in. SHOPPER #1 Call the goddamn police! GONZO SWINGS THE HAMMER. CLANG! SHOPPER #4 Look what they've done to that beautiful car! DUKE jumps in behind the wheel. DUKE This crowd is not rational. They can't relate to us. Let's go! A final CLANG! GONZO jumps in. DUKE floors the accelerator -- screams at the CROWD. DUKE You people voted for Hubert Humphrey! You killed Jesus! They swerve round and through the CROWD. DUKE (V/O) The crowd broke ranks. Nobody wants to be run over by a Coupe de Ville. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - NIGHT DUKE FAST-FORWARDS... PLAYS THE TAPE... VOICE ON TAPE You found the American Dream? In this town? DUKE ON TAPE We're sitting on the main nerve right now... INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO (wearing a single black glove) talk conspiratorially to a 3RD MAN. A PLACID ORANGUTAN in a bow tie sits next to him. THE BAR IS REVOLVING FASTER THAN NORMAL. DUKE IS INSANELY TALKATIVE -- WIRED! 98. DUKE The manager told me a story about the owner of this place...about how he always wanted to run away and join the circus when he was a kid. Well, now the bastard has his own circus, and a license to steal, too. 3RD MAN You're right -- he's the model. DUKE Absolutely! Pure Horatio Alger... Say... INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE playing the tape. DUKE ON TAPE ... how much do you think he'd take for the ape? DUKE fast-forwards again -- searching... TRAFFIC NOISES. SCREECH OF BRAKES. VOICE ON TAPE Holy God!... A TERRIBLE GRINDING NOISE. EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT RENTAL AGENT Holy God!, how did this happen? DUKE They beat the shit out of it. RENTAL AGENT The top's completely jammed! The CAR RENTAL AGENT wrestles with the trashed car. DUKE Yeah, something's wrong with the motor... INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE ON TAPE ... The generator light's been on red ever since I drove the thing into Lake Mead on a water test... 99. A HUGE SPLASH... The tape's gone too far. DUKE No, no. Shit... DUKE races the tape BACKWARDS... Then, SIRENS HOWL. DUKE ON TAPE Where's the ape? I'm ready to write a check. INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS BAR - NIGHT DUKE is standing in the middle of A SEMI-DESTROYED BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING BAR. Mirrors are broken. People are recovering from some kind of battle. THE BAR SPINS MADLY. DUKE IS INSANELY WIRED. 3RD MAN Forget it, he just attacked an old man... he took a bite out of the bartender's head! The cops took the ape away. DUKE Goddamnit! What's the bail? I want that ape! I've already reserved two first-class seats on the plane. DUKE (V/O) There was every reason to believe that we had been heading for trouble, that we'd pushed our luck a bit far... INT. WHITE WHALE ON THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT GONZO SCREAMS ABUSE out of the window at a Ford alongside the VOMIT STREAKED WHITE WHALE. DUKE MAKES A SUPERHUMAN EFFORT TO STAY ON THE ROAD. GONZO Hey there! You folks want to buy some heroin? In the Ford: TWO COUPLES -- MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN FACES FROZEN IN SHOCK -- stare straight ahead. GONZO leans out -- close to them. 100. GONZO Hey, honkies! Goddamnit, I'm serious. I want to sell you some pure fucking smack! No reaction. GONZO Cheap heroin! This is the real stuff! You won't get hooked. I just got back from Vietnam! This is scag, folks. Pure scag! The lights change. The Ford bolts. DUKE keeps pace with them. GONZO Shoot! Fuck! Scag! Blood! Heroin! Rape! Cheap! Communist! Jab it right in your fucking eyeballs! The MAN IN THE BACK SEAT suddenly loses control -- enraged, lunges against the glass, trying to get at GONZO. MAN IN CAR You dirty bastards! Pull over and I'll kill you! God damn you! You bastards! INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT BACK IN THE SUITE: The tapes runs: MAN IN CAR ON TAPE You dirty bastards! An ugly squeal of brakes. GONZO ON TAPE Shit, he was trying to bite me! I shoulda maced the fucker! DUKE fast forwards the tape. The TAPE MANGLES -- the sounds ski to a halt... DUKE grabs the nearest tool -- uses it to hook out the tape, then realizes... IT'S GONZO'S RAZOR-SHARP FOLDING KNIFE... A CHILLING MOMENT... DUKE turns the knife over... THERE'S A DRIED CRIMSON SPOT ON THE BLADE... OR IS IT DRIED MASHED POTATOES? 101. READ ON TO FIND OUT! DUKE (remembering) Back door beauty! DUKE (V/O) The mentality of Las Vegas is so grossly atavistic that a really massive crime often slips by unrecognized. DUKE SCRAPS A LITTLE OF THE CRUST -- TASTES IT... DUKE (V/O CONT'D) The possibility of physical and mental collapse is very real... No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride... HE HEARS THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE BEHIND BEATEN UP... VOICE OFF Shit! Faggot! Bastard! EXT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT WHACK! SHADOWY FIGURES beat up a MAN -- give him A GOOD KICKING. BRUTAL AND UGLY. DUKE (V/O) North Vegas is where you go when you've fucked up once too often on The Strip and when you're not even welcome in the cut-rate Downtown places. PAN to reveal a seedy diner -- THE NORTH STAR CAFE in the background. Through the window -- DUKE and GONZO sit at the counter. INT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT DUKE (V/O) The North Star Coffee Lounge seemed like a fairly safe haven from our storms. No hassles, no talk. Just a place to rest and regroup. I wasn't even hungry. GONZO stuffs a hamburger down PAYING NO ATTENTION TO THE BEATING going on outside the window. Duke reads a newspaper. 102. DUKE (V/O) There was nothing in the atmosphere of the North Star to put me on my guard... GONZO (to WAITRESS) Two glasses of ice water with ice. The WAITRESS brings the ice water. DUKE (V/O) She looked like a burnt out caricature of Jane Russell. She was definitely in charge here... GONZO gulps down his glass of water and hands her a napkin. DUKE (V/O) He did it very casually, but I knew that our peace was about to be shattered. DUKE What was that? GONZO shrugs. The WAITRESS stands at the end of the counter with her back to them while she ponders the napkin... She turns. WAITRESS What is this? GONZO A napkin. THE WAITRESS slams the napkin down on the counter. WAITRESS Don't give me that bullshit! I know what it means! You goddamn fat pimp bastard. GONZO That's the name of a horse I used to own. What's wrong with you? WAITRESS You sonofabitch! I take a lot of shit in this place, but I sure as hell don't have to take it off a SPIC PIMP! 103. GONZO GOES VERY VERY STILL AT THIS... DUKE (V/O) Jesus. I thought, what's happening? DUKE picks up the napkin. On it is printed in careful red letters: "BACK DOOR BEAUTY?" DUKE (V/O CONT'D) The question mark was emphasized. WAITRESS (screams) Pay your bill and get the hell out! You want me to call the cops? GONZO Spic pimp? GONZO's hand goes inside his shirt. He PULLS OUT THE RAZOR- SHARP HUNTING KNIFE. GONZO KEEPS HIS EYES ON THE WAITRESS. He walks about six feet down the aisle and lifts the receiver of the pay phone. He SLICES IT OFF, then brings the receiver back to his stool and sits down. DUKE (V/O) I was stupid with shock -- not knowing whether to run or start laughing. GONZO (casual) How much is the lemon meringue pie? DUKE (V/O) Her eyes were turgid with fear, but her brain was functioning on some basic motor survival level. WAITRESS (blurting -- on automatic) Thirty-five cents! GONZO (laughing) I mean the whole pie. The WAITRESS MOANS. GONZO places a $5 BILL on the counter. GONZO Let's say five dollars. Okay? 104. GONZO walks round the counter TAKING THE PIE OUT OF THE DISPLAY CASE. DUKE (V/O) The sight of the blade had triggered bad memories. The glazed look in her eyes said her throat had been cut. She was still in the grip of paralysis when we left. DUKE IS ROOTED TO THE SPOT. GONZO urges him out the door. The camera retreats with them. The WAITRESS STANDS THERE -- PETRIFIED. Alone in a lousy bar at night. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE's face as he stares at the knife -- remembering... GONZO (V/O) Drive! Drive! Drive! We have fifteen fucking minutes to get me on that plane! EXT. ROAD ON OUTSKIRTS OF LAS VEGAS - DAY The WHITE WHALE, looking like shit -- it's TOP HALF UP, TORN, SLAPPING IN THE WIND -- ROARS THROUGH AN INTERSECTION as the light turns red. DR. GONZO FRANTICALLY PAWS OVER A MAP. DUKE drives -- SILENT AND FURIOUS -- sick to his stomach with the PSYCHOTIC GONZO. GONZO What are you doing? You were supposed to turn back there! DUKE (V/O) We had abused every rule that Vegas lived by -- burning the locals, abusing the tourists, terrifying the help. The only chance now, I felt, was the possibility that we'd gone to such excess that nobody in the position to bring the hammer down on us could possibility believe it. DUKE suddenly SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. 105. GONZO Jesus Christ!!! There, crossing the road in front of them, is LUCY -- her paintings under her arm -- looking lost. SHE LOOKS UP WITH A VAGUE SENSE OF RECOGNITION... DUKE throws the car into a SKIDDING REVERSE TURN AND ROARS OFF. EXT. DESERT ROAD OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS - DAY THE WHITE WHALE TEARS DOWN THE DESERTED FREEWAY. GONZO looks wildly around. GONZO Goddamnit! We're lost! What are we doing out here on this godforsaken road? GONZO sees that THEY'RE RUNNING PARALLEL WITH THE AIRPORT RUNWAY. GONZO The airport is over there! DUKE Never missed a plane yet. DUKE HITS THE BRAKES and wrenches the wheel -- takes the WHALE down into the grassy freeway divider. WHEELS CHURNING, HE MAKES IT UP THE OPPOSITE BANK, nose of the car straight up, then BOUNCES ONTO THE FREEWAY and keeps going right OVER A FENCE, dragging it through a cactus field and onto the RUNWAY. GONZO is FROZEN WITH FEAR -- GRIPPING THE DASHBOARD. He throws a worried look at DUKE. DUKE I'll drop you right next to the plane. They SPEED UNDER A PARKED AIRPLANE, SHOUTING ABOVE THE JET ENGINE SCREAM. GONZO No! I can't get out! They'll crucify me. I'll have to take the blame! 106. DUKE (irritatedly) Ridiculous! Just say you were hitchhiking to the airport and I picked you up. You never saw me before. Shit, this town is full of white Cadillac convertibles. I plan to go through there so fast that nobody will even glimpse the goddamn license plate. You ready? GONZO Why not? But for Christ's sake, just do it fast! EXT. AT THE AIRPLANE - DAY DUKE SCREECHES UP in front of the DESERT AIR 727. GONZO JUMPS OUT -- HEADS FOR THE PLANE. DUKE watches him go -- RELENTS. DUKE Hey! GONZO stops -- turns. DUKE Don't take any guff from those swine. Remember, if you have any trouble you can always send a telegram to the Right People. GONZO Yeah... Explaining my Position. Some asshole wrote a poem about that once... GONZO pauses. GONZO Probably good advice, if you have shit for brains. GONZO turns and RACES TOWARDS THE STEPS JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE PLANE HE PAUSES AND LOOKS BACK...SMILES...AND LEANS FORWARD AND VOMITS. DUKE (V/O) There he goes -- one of God's own prototypes -- a high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die. 107. DUKE watches for a second then ROARS AWAY. PULL BACK WITH THE WHITE SHARK -- LEAVING THE AIRPLANE FAR BEHIND. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE/APOCALYPSE - NIGHT On the TV an airplane soars thru the sky. Pull back to find DUKE barricaded in GONZO'S BEDROOM. He is typing on his typewriter. DUKE We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the speed that fueled that 60's. That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip. He crashed around America selling "consciousness expansion" without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took him seriously... DUKE records like A WAR CORRESPONDENT. The CAMERA slowly rises -- DUKE alone in the room with the TV SPEWING OUT IMAGES OF WARS AND CIVIL UNREST OF THE 90'S. DUKE All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their loss and failure is ours too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped create... RISING HIGHER -- THE WALLS OF THE ROOM APPEAR TO BY 20 TO 30 FEET HIGH. DUKE SEEMS TO BE AT THE BOTTOM OF A WELL... THE CAMERA RISES UP THROUGH BROKEN TIMBERS... DUKE ... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force -- is tending the light at the end of the tunnel. HIGHER STILL -- DUKE ALONE IN THE ROOM -- AN ISOLATED BOX SURROUNDED BY THE TWISTED METAL AND RUBBLE AND SMASHED NEON SIGNS OF THE DEAD CITY -- A BLASTED LANDSCAPE WITHOUT LIGHT -- SHARDS OF A CIVILIZATION. 108. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - DAY A BURNING FLARED-OUT SUN. The camera pans down to DUKE DRIVING THE WRECKED WHALE. A piece of the fence flies out of the back seat as he takes a bump. DUKE (V/O) There was only one road back to L.A. US Interstate 15, just a flat-out high speed burn through Baker and Barstow and Berdoo, then on to the Hollywood Freeway straight into frantic oblivion: safety, obscurity, just another freak in the Freak Kingdom. DUKE sees THE HARDWARE BARN, A RUSTIC OLD FARM BUILDING facing the road with a single gas pump outside and a neon sign that flashes beer. DUKE Ahhh. Wonderful. DUKE PULLS OFF THE ROAD and parks. Gets out and walks in. INT. HARDWARE BARN - BAKER, CALIFORNIA - DAY DUKE enters the DARK, CLUTTERED INTERIOR. Scattered all about the store are BITS OF AMERICANA... OLD BARRELS, WAGON WHEELS, WOODEN YOKES. A STUFFED HORSE HANGS FROM THE RAFTERS. The sunlight shafts through high windows. AN OLD MAN is repairing an iron pot-bellied stove near the wooden bar. A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING... ONLY REAL. PROPRIETOR What'll you have? DUKE can't quite believe this place -- too good to be true. DUKE (doubtfully) Ballantine Ale...? THE PROPRIETOR serves the ale up ice cold. DUKE SMILES AND RELAXES. DUKE Hard to find it served like this anymore. As he drinks, DUKE toys with a rack of key chains -- LITTLE AMERICAN ICONS... A REMINGTON COWBOY, A BUGS BUNNY, A TWEETY PIE, BETTY BOOP, A BASEBALL PLAYER. The logo on the rack reads: AMERICAN DREAM KEY RINGS. 109. PROPRIETOR Where ya comin' from, young man? DUKE Las Vegas. PROPRIETOR A great town, that Vegas. I bet you had good luck there. You're the type. DUKE I know. I'm a triple Scorpio. PROPRIETOR (trustingly) That's a fine combination. You can't lose. A LOVELY GIRL appears. Seeing DUKE, she smiles. CAN THIS REALLY BE HIS LUCKY DAY? She approaches him... and... KISSES THE PROPRIETOR. DUKE (caught off guard... muttering) Oh, my God!... PROPRIETOR (not understanding) This is my granddaughter... DUKE (recovering) Don't worry... (leans forward in confidence) ... and I'm actually the District Attorney from Ignoto County. (winks) Just another good American like yourself. A MOMENT. THE PROPRIETOR'S SMILE DISAPPEARS. Wordlessly the PROPRIETOR and his GRANDDAUGHTER go to the back of the store -- GET ON WITH THEIR WORK -- IGNORING DUKE. WHO FEELS ASHAMED. DUKE puts some money down on the bar and SLOWLY LEAVES. EXT. HARDWARE BARN - DAY A CHASTENED DUKE approaches the vomit streaked WHITE WHALE. Gets in -- sits there -- deflated -- miserable... 110. A state bus draws up across from the Hardware Barn. Somberly, DUKE watches as TWO YOUNG MARINES with duffel bags step off -- chatting like TRUE BROTHERS... DUKE switches on the ignition. Something rolls off the trembling dash... DUKE catches it... ONE SINGLE BEAUTIFUL AMYL CAPSULE... DUKE CRACKS THE AMYL -- INHALES. THE RUSH MAKES HIM GASP -- TEETH BARED LIKE A MADMAN. DUKE HOLY SHIT!!! DUKE GUNS THE ENGINE with a laugh -- leans out -- YELLS AT THE MARINES. DUKE GOD'S MERCY ON YOU SWINE! DUKE ROARS AWAY. AN AMERICAN FLAG FLIES UP FROM THE DEBRIS IN THE BACK SEAT, MADLY UNFURLING ITSELF AS IT SNAGS ON THE CONVERTIBLE-TOP FRAME OF THE TRASHED WHITE WHALE! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! The TWO MARINES look after him CONFUSED. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY DUKE drives fast -- TEETH GRITTED IN FROZEN ECSTASY!! DUKE CRANKS UP THE TAPE RECORDER. DUKE (V/O) My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger... a man on the move... and just sick enough to be totally confident. The WHITE WHALE WIPES THE SCREEN BLACK. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! END
FEAST Written by Patrick Melton & Marcus Dunston Revised Draft 5/3/2004 FADE IN: EXT. DESERT -- DAY The white sun beats down on the rocky terrain. There's not a cloud in the blue sky and the wind is at a standstill. Far in the distance, a MEDIUM SIZED FLAT-BED TRUCK makes its way to the entrance of a large cavern opening. Two VULTURES perched on a barren tree watch the intruders. EXT. DESERT -- DAY The truck screeches to a dusty stop. Three men in matching coveralls and hard hats jump from the cab: CHIEF (42, stocky, weary), LANKY (32, withered) and COLLEGE BOY (23, clean cut and naive). Chief holds a map and glares into the howling black mouth before them. CHIEF This is it. LANKY Why did it have to be these caves... COLLEGE BOY Is something wrong? LANKY (to College Boy) Don't mind me, buddy. It's nothin'. Chief grabs a flashlight and moves to the back of the truck. The logo on the rear gate reads "WIGWAM WASTE MANAGEMENT." CHIEF Let's get that first barrel. The gate drops revealing their full load of YELLOW BARRELS bearing the familiar BIOHAZARD WASTE symbol. INT. CAVERN -- MOMENTS LATER College Boy and Lanky steer a cart loaded with the first barrel inside. Chief's lone beam of light leads the men. COLLEGE BOY What's with the awkward silence? LANKY You don't know? College Boy shakes his head "no" and they set the cart down. CHIEF Last winter, a man kidnapped a little girl and holed up in one of these caves. The cops had him pinned down and began to move in. This guy started shooting... but he wasn't aiming at the officers... (getting closer) ...he was firing at something inside. College Boy is rapt. CHIEF When the dust cleared, all they found was the little girl's shoes. (beat) With the feet still in 'em. Something GRABS College Boy's ankles, causing him to jump. COLLEGE BOY Ahh!!! Lanky's on his knees, having grabbed him from behind. The two men mockingly laugh. College boy settles, embarrassed. COLLEGE BOY Assholes. CHIEF Hey, relax, I nearly shit myself when my boss pulled that one on me. LANKY I went well beyond nearly. Then, a sound. All eyes turn. CHIEF What was that? COLLEGE BOY Once was plenty, fellas. CHIEF Shhhh... As Chief moves forward, pulling out his pick-axe. Instantly, the cave is illuminated by a white floodlight. A group of GREENPEACE HIPPIE ACTIVISTS stand in the cave, CHAINED TOGETHER at the waist, startling the men into screams. MEAN GREEN (35, crooked glasses on a face that has launched a thousand craps) barks into a MINI BULLHORN that hangs around her neck. She charges towards Chief. MEAN GREEN Stop it right there! You will not rape Mother Nature one more day! Panicked, Chief drops his pick-axe and stumbles back. CHIEF Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! In unison, the hippies start CHANTING. HIPPIE GROUP Mother Nature is not a whore/Don't dump in her any-more/Mother Nature is not a whore/Don't dump in her any- more... A BEARDED CAMERAMAN with a huge KEY RING on his belt, films the whole event. The three men are stopped in their tracks. CHIEF Take it easy! We have a permit! MEAN GREEN (handing a document) And we have an injunction from the State to prevent any dumping in these caverns! This is virgin land! The aqueducts in these caves bring drinking water to our families, and its piping provides drainage for our farms that enrich this barren land! And it won't be tainted by waste of any kind! Not now! Not ever! Chief, shaken, confirms the injunction and hands it back. CHIEF Fine, just back off! He snaps his fingers, motioning to the barrel. CHIEF Let's roll... Now-now-now! Backing away, looking to Mean Green. CHIEF How do you guys always know where we're going? MEAN GREEN (with a smirk) I'll tell ya next time! NOW MOVE IT! Hastily, the men roll the barrel out of the cave. MEAN GREEN Score one for the green team!!! The hippies let out a spirited cheer. One pulls out a tambourine, drums the beat for KUM BI YA. The rest join in the victorious chant as they watch the three men hop in their truck and peel away. BEARDED CAMERAMAN Hey, man, that was righteous, but I need a shot with the sign up. At the end of the human chain, an earthy woman, FUZZY, moves to hang a GREENPEACE sign. Mean Green strokes the cave wall. MEAN GREEN We saved you today, ol' gal. Fuzzy hammers the sign in, but hits too hard, causing a breach in the rock wall. FUZZY Oh, fuck! MEAN GREEN Sister, why do you always swing for the fences? FUZZY (eyeing breach) It's okay, but I... I think I see something in there... something shiny. Fuzzy puts her face up to the hole for a closer look. The rest of the hippie-chain moves in closer. FUZZY Oh my, it looks like diamonds! CHOMP! A set of giant, ravenous teeth bite into Fuzzy's skull. Blood SPLATTERS on the hippies. Bearded Cameraman jumps to pull Fuzzy from the breach. Fuzzy's body is YANKED into the hole. The group tumbles forward. Mean Green tries to stop herself from sliding, but can't. One by one, the hippies are being dragged to their death. Ripping, tearing, and howling echoes off the walls. Bearded Cameraman stumbles back. Mean Green spots him. MEAN GREEN Give me the keys!!! Bearded Camerman just stares at her in shock. He's missing both his arms. Mean Green lunges and grabs Chief's dropped pick-axe. She HAMMERS at the chain around her waist. Foot by foot, she's dragged closer. At the last second, she BREAKS the chain, popping herself free. She spins, running for safety. A guttural HOWL behind her fills the cavern. Mean Green sprints toward the cave opening. She's gonna make it. Only a few more feet. And then... JERK! Something grabs her neck and YANKS her back into the darkness. The whiplash sends her bloody BULLHORN flying into the light. As it lands, it lets out one last weak HONK... CUT TO BLACK: SUPERIMPOSED: BASED ON A TRUE STORY The title SHATTERS... INT. CRASHED CAR -- NIGHT P.O.V. - We frantically EMERGE from the burning wreck... RUN from the crash over desolate prairie land... EXT. BAR -- NIGHT Neon light flashes UNITED NATIONS TAVERN. Laughing and music emanates. Besides the bar, there's nothing around for miles. A 1985, pristine black Pontiac Trans-Am with a Golden Eagle on the hood pulls up. The rear bumper sticker reads "MY OTHER TOY HAS TITS." A weasel-like man with a fat belly and tank-top emerges from the hot rod carrying a VELVET POOL CUE CASE. Freeze on him. NAME: BOZO AGE: 32 JOB: UNEMPLOYED OCCUPATION: TOWN JACKASS LIFE EXPECTANCY: DEAD BY DAWN The rest of the parking lot is scattered with cars and pickup trucks. Bozo lazily makes his way to the bar and pushes through the front entrance -- INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Bozo passes a man dressed in a cheap suit and standing well over six foot five with frazzled black hair and olive skin. Talking with a thick Greek accent, he pleads into a pay phone. COACH (into pay phone) They took my laptop with my PowerPoint presentation, my Blackberry, my cell... And to top it off, my car crapped out on the side of the road! I'm not making the conference and I have fourteen leads waiting for me. You gotta help me out here. I'm not kidding, I've have fourteen PRIMO leads waiting in the lobby of the Mariott... MARIOTT... Freeze on him. NAME: COACH AGE: 42 OCCUPATION: LIFE COACH & MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER FUN FACT: OFTEN CALLED THE GREEK TONY ROBBINS LIFE EXPECTANCY: STAY FAR, FAR AWAY CLICK. The pay phone goes dead. COACH Son of a -- (deep breath, soothing) In with anger, out with love. Further into the bar, a man in a wheelchair loads a quarter into an old jukebox, but he is instantly pushed away by Bozo. Freeze on him. NAME: PARA AGE: 29 OCCUPATION: FIREWORKS DEALER COMIC BOOK COLLECTION: RIDICULOUSLY HUGE LIFE EXPECTANCY: THEY WOULDN'T KILL A CRIPPLE... WOULD THEY? Bozo's tank-top reads, "ONLY COOL CHICKS CAN DO ME." PARA (rolling away) Hey... BOZO Shut up, fag. Bozo punches in his selection. EDGY CAT (34, samurai pony tail, don't you dare call him an alcoholic) stands by the bar's POOL TABLE powdering his cue. EDGY CAT (to Bozo) You're late! BOZO Don't dilly-dally then. Rack 'em! The CD spins and an 1980s heavy metal classic KICKS IN. Bozo, mouthing the lyrics, struts away. NOTE: Music plays over all the bar sequences. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - We continue to run. Rapid breathing. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Beer Guy (kinda handsome... just kinda) sets a keg of beer behind the bar. Freeze on him. NAME: BEER GUY AGE: 32 OCCUPATION: BEER GUY/PART-TIME HOST AT RED LOBSTER LIFE EXPECTANCY: WIMPS AND DORKS ARE THE FIRST TO GO... HE'S BOTH He talks with BARTENDER (thinning hair, chiseled face, big earring) who preps a drink. BEER GUY I mean, we'd been together for so long and then... bang! She drops me. Since then, it's been like a damn country song: she's gone, the car's repossessed, and a father figure made a pass at me. I'm not saying I ever had it. But I have definitely lost it. (beat) Now I haul this swill from armpit to armpit. I used to be a model for Christ's sake. Coach has been eavesdropping on Beer Guy and approaches. COACH For what, may I ask? BEER GUY JC Penny. Spring wear. Beer Guy then mimics throwing a sport coat over his shoulder and delivering his "model" cheese smile. COACH You know, Chach, catching you at this low point is pure serendipity. BEER GUY Why is that? COACH Because I take the rubble of man and build superstars. In my briefcase here is a doorway to a self-help sensation. Give me a minute, because I'd like to buy you a drink and change your life forever. I have a brochure -- BARTENDER Save it. We don't deal in pamphlets 'round here. We stick to chemistry. And his drinks are on me. Bartender puts a shot in front of Beer Guy. Behind him, a mounted DEER HEAD is prominently displayed. Freeze on him. NAME: BARTENDER AGE: 50 OCCUPATION: BARTENDER FUN FACT: SHOT 4 TIMES, STABBED 6 TIMES, BIT BY 1 SQUIRREL LIFE EXPECTANCY: READY TO WEAR With Coach stumped, Bartender turns to Beer Guy. BARTENDER Was that the last keg? BEER GUY Yup, one keg of Beast for the basement, then the truck's dry. BARTENDER If you're stayin', move the truck, boss gets pissed about you using primo parking. Beer Guy downs his shot and hoists the lone keg into the waiting keg elevator. BEER GUY Right, 'cause this joint's hopping. He hits a button and the keg slowly lowers to the basement. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - We jump over a bush and crash in the dusty earth. INT. BAR -- NIGHT A glass of beer slides down the bar. A hand GRABS it and puts it on a tray. The woman is pretty though haggard, stained apron and dirty blond hair. Freeze on her. NAME: TUFFY AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: CAREER WAITRESS FUN FACT: SERVED 100 HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE FOR ILLEGAL DUMPING OF MANURE... IN EX-HUSBAND'S CAR LIFE EXPECTANCY: BADASS-IN-WAITING Tuffy carries the tray toward a table. She passes a TV mounted on the wall. ON TV: A NEWSCASTER, dressed in a coat and tie, talks. NEWSCASTER ...the search for the missing protesters will be further complicated by the unstable conditions of these deep tunnels. Thus far, no sign of life has been detected, yet town officials are still optimistic. Newscaster spins and an ECLIPSE GRAPHIC appears on screen. NEWSCASTER On a brighter note, or should I say a darker note, tomorrow's solar eclipse will bring out adults and children alike for a citywide fair of this metrological event. Stay tuned for our man on the street to take a closer look... INT. BAR -- BASEMENT -- NIGHT Beer Guy pulls the keg from the elevator and places it next to other kegs. A faint conversation brews behind a curtain. BOSS MAN (paunchy, sweaty, ugly) and ROADIE (English accent, light hair, leather skin, thin build) talk shop. BOSS MAN (O.S.) Listen, bud. I got a load ready to move and your man's not here. ROADIE (O.S.) He's coming. Relax. And if he doesn't show -- BOSS MAN (O.S.) We got a problem. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - We are trucking... labored breathing... INT. BAR -- NIGHT Tuffy moves to a table where ADULTERER (bushy mustache, sweater vest, dress shirt) sits with TRAMPY (designer glasses, hair pulled back, tight blue business suit, closet tramp). Freeze on Trampy. NAME: TRAMPY AGE: 19 OCCUPATION: BANK TELLER MOTTO: THE SHORTER THE SKIRT, THE HIGHER THE RAISE LIFE EXPECTANCY: BETTER THAN ADULTERER TRAMPY He said there was no reason I had to stay a teller and that if I did good work and didn't mess up, I could become an assistant manager within three years. (pause) Can you believe that? ADULTERER That sounds great. Freeze on him. NAME: ADULTERER AGE: 36 OCCUPATION: HIGH SCHOOL P.E. INSTRUCTOR NICKNAME: DR. BLUMPKIN GENITALS: SHAVED LIFE EXPECTANCY: WORSE THAN TRAMPY Adulterer reaches into his pocket to pay the tab, but he inadvertently pulls out his hidden WEDDING RING. TRAMPY That sounds like bullshit! I could be an assistant manager at The Lake Arrowhead Casino for knowing the fuckin' alphabet to G! I'll be twenty in three months... The damning wedding band falls and bounces. As it rolls, Tuffy, Trampy and Adulterer watch. The ring stops, standing still on its side. Trampy seethes as she chooses which obscenity to deliver. Adulterer slides a wad of cash to Tuffy. ADULTERER Just bring the whole bottle. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - Sprinting and wheezing. The bar lights are ahead. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Tuffy walks back over to the bar adding Adulterer's cash to a fat roll of money. BELLE (stringy blond hair, cute face, brand-spanking new employee) looks up with surprise. Freeze on her. NAME: BELLE AGE: 21 OCCUPATION: WAITRESS GOAL: PLAY BELLE IN STAGE VERSION OF "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" LIFE EXPECTANCY: SAME ODDS AS PLAYING BELLE IN STAGE VERSION OF "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" BELLE If I could made that kind of money, I'd be in Hollywood next week. Boss Man walks by and nods to Tuffy, making his way to the rickety side-staircase to the SECOND FLOOR. Tuffy grinds her teeth and moves to the staircase. TUFFY 'Round here, there are ways. Boss Man winks at Belle. Pure sleaze. Freeze on him. NAME: BOSS MAN AGE: 47 OCCUPATION: BAR OWNER MOTTO: IF THERE'S GRASS IN THE FIELD, PLAY BALL LIFE EXPECTANCY: REGULAR OR EXTRA-CRISPY? EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - Running, approaching the distant bar... INT. BAR -- NIGHT Bozo looks grimly at a pile of CASH on the ledge of the pool table. Edgy Cat sinks the eighth shot of a NINE BALL game. EDGY CAT That cash is gonna look much better in my pocket. BOZO (re: mounted head) Ya know, that deer only looks scared when you're in the room. Para rolls up behind Edgy. PARA Excuse me, please. EDGY CAT Jesus! Edgy looks to Para, distracted. Bozo quickly replaces the WHITE CUE BALL with one hidden in his waistline. EXT. BAR -- NIGHT P.O.V. - The bar's a quarter mile away. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Para's chair back aims at the pool table pocket of which Edgy Cat is lining up for the winning shot. EDGY CAT That's all she wrote... SMACK! The nine ball sinks in the pocket, the cue ball ricochets away as intended. Para flips a switch under his wheelchair's arm rest. The cue ball strays ODDLY into the pocket near Para. Scratch. EDGY CAT What?! BOZO Ohhh, now that's a rough one. EDGY CAT That's motherfuckin' impossible! BOZO (crude Oriental accent) Yoh anga will be yoh downfah. Go again? EDGY CAT Goddamn it! NO! BOZO Oh, come on. Crape Diem! Bozo takes the cash from the table. Edgy Cat sulks away cursing to himself and moves to the bar. Roadie looks on, sipping a beer. Freeze on Roadie. NAME: ROADIE AGE: 38 OCCUPATION: BAND ROADIE FUN FACT: TOURED WITH BON JOVI... SLIPPERY WHEN WET ERA LIFE EXPECTANCY: A FEW DOG YEARS EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - Still running. The bar is getting closer. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Bozo HITS the table of GRANDPA (elderly, white hair, bushy white mustache) and GRANDMA (curly white hair, glasses). Freeze on them. NAMES: GRANDPA AND GRANDMA AGES: 88 AND 86 OCCUPATION: RETIRED FUN FACT: BEEN TOGETHER SINCE THE DEPRESSION LIFE EXPECTANCY: THEY DON'T BUY GREEN BANANAS BOZO Wake up! Check your pants! GRANDPA Get outta here. BOZO (mocking) What's that? Wha'cha say? Huh? (to Grandma) How much for the whole night, Grandma? GRANDMA You should be so lucky. GRANDPA (re: his fists) This one will stun ya, but this one will put ya to sleep. BOZO Whoa! Bozo approaches OLD VET (52, long hair with bandanna, dirty beard) HARLEY MOM, (45, bruiser, grizzled, tough as a saddle) and DRUNK GUY at the bar. The sad trio toss peanut shells into three nearby tall, fat peanut barrels. BOZO You boys wanna try your luck at the loot? Harley mom is offended. Not a word from the others. BOZO Come on, I'll even throw with my left hand. He turns in disappointment. BOZO Nothin' but a bunch of butts and pussies in here! EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - The bar is close -- we leap a ditch. INT. BAR -- NIGHT KRASH! Belle DROPS a tray full of drinks behind the bar. BELLE Shit! Shit! Shit! BARTENDER Don't sweat it, just clean it up before he's done. He points up to the second floor. INT. BAR -- SECOND FLOOR -- NIGHT Tuffy's son CODY (7, innocent, cute) sits on the floor watching TV. Freeze on him. NAME: CODY AGE: 7 OCCUPATION: TAX BREAK LIFE EXPECTANCY: A WONDERFUL, FULL LIFE Tuffy puts headphones over his ears. TUFFY Keep these on, sweetheart. CODY Mommy, I want Nemo. TUFFY Mommy's working on it. Tuffy kisses him and then moves to an adjacent room. ADJACENT ROOM Tuffy enters the room and takes off her blouse exposing her breasts. She pulls up her skirt and bends over a bedpost. TUFFY Let's get this over with. Boss Man walks up naked, except for red cowboy boots. BOSS MAN I love a woman with enthusiasm. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Bozo walks to the middle of the room. BOZO I got two hundred bucks says none of you can beat me! BARTENDER Hey! Get quiet or get out. BOZO C'mon guys -- EXT. BAR -- NIGHT P.O.V. - Hurtling toward the double doors and -- INT. BAR -- NIGHT BOZO Gimme some ACTION -- BOOM! The double doors to the bar are kicked open by HERO (30s, rugged alpha man built to kick ass). KRASH! Belle DROPS a second tray of drinks -- MUSIC CUTS OUT Hero is scraped, bruised and bloodied. He is dressed in blue denim and holds a RUST-RED SHOTGUN and GUNNY SACK. He SLAMS the double doors shut and props a chair against the handles, securing them. HERO Unless you people want to die you'll do what I say and you'll do it fast! Bartender cocks his SHOTGUN. BARTENDER You hold it right there, mister. HERO A storm of hell's coming down on this place any minute! BARTENDER Drop the canon! Hero puts down the shotgun and moves towards Bartender. HERO I'm not armed now, just hear me out. BARTENDER I'll drop you and not even think about it! HERO Let me explain! BARTENDER You got one second to -- Hero reveals a drool-dripping, white, GRANDPA BEAST HEAD from the gunny sack and holds it out and for all to see. HERO Take a good look and listen to me! There's at least a four of these things out there! Grandpa Beast's head has large red eyeballs and a mouth full of jagged, ivory white teeth. It is like an albino jackal head with spiked hair. HERO I saw one of them tear up five men like they were corn on the cob! (off silence, shock) I don't know what they are. I don't know where they came from. All I do know is that these fuckers are fast, nasty, and hungry. The bar stares at him, slack-jawed. HERO And they can fly. Not to mention they got claws like Ginsu knifes and more teeth than a chainsaw. The Bartender lowers his shotgun slightly. Fast as a snake, Hero GRABS it. He notices the engraving, "THE JUDGE." HERO They're like goddamn blood hungry biker tattoos come to life. They're clocking us. Right now. And we have to lock this bar down! (moving around) That means doors, windows, drains, and basements. We have to do it fast! Hero looks out the lone front window. HERO (looks to Belle) You! Get on that phone. Call the cops, National Guard, townies, whoever kicks ass and get 'em out here. Belle moves to a pay phone at the end of the bar. HERO Any questions? BARTENDER Who are you? HERO I'm the hero -- CRASH! A white Beast arms BURSTS through the window and SPLITS Hero right down the middle. The Judge FIRES into the ceiling -- SECOND FLOOR The Judge's blast blows a toe off Boss Man's RIGHT FOOT as he reaches climax with Tuffy. Boss Man HOLLERS. MAIN BAR Hero's right half is JERKED outside through the window. Blood sprays. Rapid chomping. CRASH! The double doors are kicked open, splintering the propped up chair. HEROINE (Native American, rugged, ripped pants, wickedly hot) rushes in, slams the doors shut and instinctively kicks up the RUST RED SHOTGUN. She flips it sideways and slides the metal weapon through the handles of the double doors, securing them. BAM! A massive HIT slams into the doors from the outside sending Heroine SLIDING across the floor. She SPRINGS to her feet and drives her weight into a table attempting to hoist it over the now open window. HEROINE HELP ME! SOMEBODY! Old Vet and Harley Mom rush to Heroine's aid. They raise the table to cover the gaping hole. Heroine looks outside. HEROINE GET DOWN! A BEAST nails the rising table, just missing Heroine's face. The table falls, pinning Heroine. JUNIOR BEAST enters. He's small and too fast to see well. He SWIPES the heads off Old Vet and Harley Mom. Bartender grabs The Judge, but he's SCRATCHED down the back. Junior Beast rips out the pay phone. Knocks over the TV. Yanks out half of Trampy's hair. Edgy Cat CHARGES the spastic monster with a stool. EDGY CAT I got you! Edgy Cat misses. Junior Beast sends him FLYING into a wall. BLAM! BLAM! Bartender FIRES The Judge at the creature hitting lights instead. An errant shot destroys Edgy Cat's face. Para covers as Junior Beast RIPS the back of his wheelchair. Roadie WHACKS Junior Beast with a chair. Stunned, it flies across the room, landing in a metal ICE COOLER. Bozo SLAMS it closed, capturing Junior Beast. BOZO Got 'cha! EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Shadows of THREE SHRIEKING BEASTS close in on the window... INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Bartender runs across the bar and SLAMS shut the thick wood shutters. The Beasts HIT, cracking the middle. Roadie power lifts the table with Heroine and braces it against the window for reinforcement, but a FURRY ARM busts through and grabs the other half of Hero. HEROINE Goddamn you! Blood starts to SPRAY from outside as the rest of Hero is being devoured through the smallish hole. Heroine works a GOLD RING off of Hero's ring finger. The feeding MOMMA BEAST'S head breaks in through the hole. It grabs Heroine's left forearm. Bartender aims The Judge at the Beast... ROADIE You'll hit her! Roadie KNOCKS The Judge up -- BLAM! SECOND FLOOR The Judge's shotgun blast blows off another toe on Boss Man's RIGHT FOOT. He cries out in agony. MAIN BAR Heroine spins and buries a splintered piece of the broken chair into the ATTACKING MOMMA BEAST'S RIGHT EYE. The Beast SCREECHES and jerks back, dragging the rest of Hero outside. Heroine clutches the ring. Shrieks and flapping wings are heard outside. They dissipate. A moment of calm. Belle timidly holds the receiver of the busted pay phone. The other patrons emerge from under tables and other hiding spaces in various states of shock. Junior Beast has momentarily stopped moving. Bozo secures the lid with a nearby PADLOCK. BOZO What the FUCK was that? Wild-eyed and with a trembling hand, Heroine pours herself a shot from the bar. She downs it and takes a long breath. HEROINE The jungle has a new king. Freeze on her. NAME: HEROINE AGE: 27 OCCUPATION: SURVIVOR LIFE EXPECTANCY: HOPEFULLY LONGER THAN THE LAST HERO CUT TO: Pan and scan over various NEWSPAPER HEADINGS with pictures and newsreel footage that read: "EDWARDS, CALIFORNIA 1940: HIKING CLUB MAULED BY BEARS" "LOCKHART, CALIFORNIA 1948: BRUSH FIRE DEMOLISHES RURAL COMMUNITY, DOZENS MISSING" "HI-VISTA, CALIFORNIA 1956: UNIVERSITY ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG BURIED IN MINE SHAFT COLLAPSE" "PEARBLOSSOM, CALIFORNIA 1964: AVALANCHE BLAMED FOR MISSING HORSEBACK RIDERS" "SALTDALE, CALIFORNIA 1972: MUDSLIDE CLAIMS LOCAL BROWNIE TROOP EARNING COURAGE BADGES" "GARLOCK, CALIFORNIA 1980: ELDERLY TOUR GROUP WASHED AWAY BY FLASH FLOOD" "CALTIL, CALIFORNIA 1988: SINKHOLES DEMOLISH A STRING OF CABINS, SEVERAL FAMILIES PERISH" "WILSONA GARDENS, CALIFORNIA 1996: GAS LEAK EXPLOSION DESTROYS HILLSIDE COMMUNITY" CUT TO: INT. BAR -- NIGHT There is a HOLLER at the top of the stairs. Everyone turns. BOSS MAN Is it clear?! BARTENDER Yeah. BOSS MAN Is there a gun pointing at you? BARTENDER Nah, I got the gun. Boss Man hobbles down the stairs with the help of Tuffy. His foot is a bloody mess. He is holding a .38. BOSS MAN Alright goddamn it! Who shot me!? Who did it!? Belle and Bartender move to his aid. BOSS MAN My goddamn foot is gone! Who fuckin' shot me? Who fuckin' shot me!? BARTENDER (motioning to Heroine) Her fella. HEROINE My husband... BOSS MAN Well, where's the sonuvabitch!? HEROINE He's dead. BOSS MAN What? (noticing destruction) What the hell happened down here?! Boss Man looks to Bozo. BOZO I didn't do it! It was fuckin' monsters, asshole! BOSS MAN Jesus Christ on the cross... someone make sense. HEROINE Easy. We're surrounded by something the likes none of you have ever seen before. Some kind of animals. Real fast, volatile, predators. One went through three of your patrons like nothing. BOSS MAN So, your dead hubby shot me twice, three of my customers have been eaten, and there are angry creatures outside? HEROINE He only shot you once. BOSS MAN Huh? HEROINE (re: Bartender) He shot you the other time. BARTENDER It was an accident. Sorry. Boss Man squints skeptically. Adulterer points to GRANDPA BEAST'S HEAD on the bar. ADULTERER Look at it! BOSS MAN Fan-fuckin-tastic. TUFFY My god... what is that? HEROINE That's one piece of four problems. BOSS MAN Please elaborate. HEROINE That head over there, that's the oldest of the bunch, looked like the Grandpa. We caught the little one, Junior, in the cooler there. As we've seen, what he lacks in size he more than makes up for in speed. BARTENDER And the rest of 'em? HEROINE Unfortunately, the worst of 'em are still outside. NOTE: As Heroine describes each beast, we see a slight glimpse of their virtues, hidden mainly by shadows and fog. HEROINE The next one is taller, but all out of proportion. Like a "teen beast." EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT TEEN BEAST has a big head and awkward body. He clumsily moves and seems uncomfortable in his own skin. HEROINE (V.O.) He was spastic, clumsy, but deadly just the same. INT. BAR FRONT -- NIGHT Heroine tends to her scratched arm. HEROINE I just took the eye out of the mother. She calculates, guiding the attacks. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT MOMMA BEAST flashes out from the dark. She's shorter than Teen, but much wider. She has a big mouth and NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC BOOBS that hang down to her waist. She covers her stabbed right eye and SCREECHES. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Heroine taps her right eye. HEROINE If you are face to face with her, dive left. ROADIE And the last one is the -- HEROINE Father. The biggest, the strongest... EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT A blur of muscles, bloody fur, and teeth. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The entire bar stares at Heroine with their mouths agape. HEROINE No sign of any weaknesses. No sign at all. He's an eating machine. COACH Of all the friggin' bars to be stuck in. HEROINE That's not it. Four are here, but there's three others... which I can't account for. Heroine eyes the room. HEROINE We need to lock this place down. Is everyone in this room? TUFFY Oh my god! My son! My SON! Tuffy races toward the staircase to the SECOND FLOOR. HEROINE Wait! Tuffy is halfway up the stairs. TUFFY Cody! Mommy's coming! Mommy's coming! HEROINE Stop her! BARTENDER Hey! SECOND FLOOR Tuffy BURSTS through the door. Cody sits by the TV, unmoved. CODY Mommy -- Tuffy pulls Cody into her arms. Heroine and Bartender halt to guard the doorway. Heroine spots a SMALL PORTAL WINDOW. TUFFY Oh sweetheart! What was I thinking? Mommy is never gonna let you go! HEROINE Let's lock off this room. TUFFY (moving to exit) Never, ever, never. Never, ever, never, baby. I love you -- SMASH! Papa Beast BURSTS through the portal window and RIPS Cody's torso from Tuffy's grasp. Tuffy holds his DANGLING ARMS. Blood sprays everywhere. TUFFY NOOOOOOOO! Papa Beast LUNGES at Tuffy! Bartender SHOOTS, nailing Papa Beast. He hisses, but can't fit through the small window. Bartender aims again for a kill shot, but Papa Beast projectile vomits Cody's remains at Bartender. Papa Beast retracts out the portal window. Heroine SLAMS the wood shutters closed. Tuffy drops Cody's arms. Bug-eyed. She moves, zombie-like, to the staircase. Bartender follows, covered in Papa Beast's bile. Heroine locks the staircase door shut. HEROINE Damn it. MAIN BAR Beer Guy stares at the bile covered Bartender. BEER GUY Oh god... He hands him a towel. Tuffy slowly walks towards the rest of the patrons. The blood on her face and chest tells them what happened. The horror hits home. Heroine eyes the destroyed phone. COACH (to Tuffy) Are you -- Heroine puts a hand up to silence Coach. HEROINE Just let her be... please. (beat) Is that the only phone? Bartender emerges from the back holding a mess of plastic and wires. BARTENDER The back phone is wrecked, too. Trampy's eyes light up and she digs through her purse. BELLE This is really happening. I can't believe this is really happening. Grandpa and Grandma have calmly re-taken their seats. GRANDPA What'd you say? GRANDMA I didn't say anything. Bartender hesitantly tosses a wash towel over the Grandpa Beast head at the end of the bar. Para is awkwardly trying to fix the back of his wheelchair. Belle moves over to help and sees a mess of wires coming from the wheelchair's back rest. PARA Thank you, but I don't need any help -- BELLE What's this? A power magnet or something? PARA No. It's nothing. Belle puts together his scam with a smirk. BELLE I didn't peg you for a con man. PARA Hey, it pays more than the couch. BELLE Lots of stuff around here does. Trampy pulls out a CELLULAR PHONE from her purse. TRAMPY Here! The group looks over. Adulterer GRABS it. TRAMPY Hey! ADULTERER Back off! Beer Guy walks from behind the bar. BEER GUY So, what now? Did those things leave? BOZO Why don't you go check it out? BEER GUY Fuck no. ADULTERER (into cell phone) I have a signal! I have -- Diane? Diane listen to me... get the kids and get in the basement... do it right now... Trampy stares with grief in her eyes. ADULTERER I'll explain later. Not now! I'm at a bar... look... shut up! JUST SHUT UP AND GET IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT, DIANE! Diane! Diane?... Hello? Damn it! I lost the signal! Adulterer looks at the phone a bit dazed. ADULTERER Okay. Okay. Look now, I gotta get outta here! I gotta go! My wife... See my wife is alone... She could be in trouble. I GOTTA GO! He moves towards the front door. Heroine moves into his path. HEROINE I wouldn't do that. Adulterer, violently grabs Heroine to shove her away. ADULTERER Fuck you, bitch! Heroine nails Adulterer with THREE HITS to the chin, throat and chest, flipping him to the floor. She pulls a KNIFE from her belt buckle and has it under Adulterer's chin. HEROINE You can risk your life, but not mine! My daughter's no more than twenty miles from here waiting for me. I have just as much reason to leave this place as you do. But I also know that if they're here, then they're not there yet. Adulterer squirms. HEROINE You understand me? ADULTERER Get the fuck off... HEROINE You understand me!? ADULTERER Yes! HEROINE Now pull that tough boy shit again and I'll slice you from neck to nuts! Adulterer nods obediently. Heroine removes the knife from his neck and plants it back into her buckle. ADULTERER You can't keep me here. This is bullshit. Fuckin' bullshit. This is fucking BULLSHIT! HEROINE We can't risk letting them in. ADULTERER (trembling, pissed) Right. Adulterer takes his seat. He looks over at the half bald Trampy. She looks at him, hurt. At the bar, Bozo puts the TV back into place, he jiggles with some wires in the back, bringing back the picture. BOZO Anything? PARA Yeah, you got it. The bar takes notice. Trampy, cell phone in hand, paws through a phone book as she watches the broadcast. BELLE See! This has to be isolated. That's a local broadcast. ON TV: The Newscaster reads the teleprompter. NEWSCASTER And now, we head to our man on the scene with a live look at tomorrow's event in Red Mountain. Heroine eagerly looks on, moving closer to the TV. HEROINE My daughter's in Red Mountain. ON TV: There is an awkward pause from the Newscaster. The broadcast doesn't cut to the reporter. NEWSCASTER Can you hear us? Apparently we're having some technical difficulties... Heroine sinks in her skin. HEROINE Oh no. NEWSCASTER Oh, there we go! ON TV: A REPORTER, in an even worse suit, stands in a field with several people looking through telescopes. REPORTER That's right, the crowds are lining up early to witness tomorrow's meteorological phenomenon. Heroine sighs a gust of relief. REPORTER But always remember, don't look straight into the sun because a special filter is needed to avoid damaging your cornea. The Reporter beams. REPORTER And we're all looking forward to it tomorrow. Back to you. In the studio, the Newscaster smirks. NEWSCASTER Thank you. And in other news... Roadie points to the TV. ROADIE That studio's local, we can call in. BOSS MAN I have a short wave radio upstairs. Trampy is already dialing on the cell. TRAMPY I'm calling them... it's ringing! ROADIE They'd have a police scanner. TRAMPY (into cell) Hello? Yes, we're at the United -- ON TV: the Newscaster continues his routine. NEWSCASTER ...it has been reported that the power outage -- A Beast arm REACHES in and TEARS off Newscaster's jaw. The bar gasps in horror as his blood sprays. ZAP! The broadcast cuts out, turning to static. Trampy screams and DROPS the cell, SHATTERING on impact. TRAMPY Oh no! Oh fucking no! Heroine, tense, quells the rising panic. HEROINE Keep it together! I came from the east. That studio is south of here. For all we know, north and west are okay. ROADIE An associate of mine was coming in from the north, ain't heard a word from him in hours. HEROINE So, that leaves the west. Tuffy looks up from a booth, clearing her throat. TUFFY And Red Mountain. Your daughter. Heroine looks over, making eye contact. HEROINE Right. BEER GUY This is goddamn depressing. At the door, Heroine slides a thick metal pole through the double door handles and takes out the Rust Red shotgun. BOSS MAN I've got some tools and extra planks in the kitchen, if we're on the same page here. HEROINE Let's work. INT. BAR -- NIGHT The last board is hammered into place as the survivors back away from the now re-enforced bar. BARTENDER We'll it ain't pretty... BOSS MAN But its got teeth. BAM-BAM-BAM! Junior Beast bangs around in the ice cooler. BOZO I think it's hungry again. HEROINE We have to kill it. (to Boss Man) Can you help? Boss Man hobbles over to the cooler and aims his .38. Junior Beast goes wild, trying to get out. BOSS MAN Fire in the hole! Bullets rip through the cooler. Junior squeals. More shots. Casings hit the ground. Smoke rises. Bozo leans in. BOZO I think we got -- RAH! A tiny white arm fires out from the cooler GRABBING Bozo's leg. Bozo yelps. Moving quick, Tuffy grabs The Judge from Bartender and shoves the barrel into a hole. BLAM! Guts splatter. Bozo falls back unscathed. He catches his breath and looks to Tuffy. She is born again, seething. TUFFY You're welcome. She hands the shotgun back to Bartender. TRAMPY Jesus, it took all that? All those bullets? How can we possibly fight off the others? HEROINE Aim for their orifices. Eyes, ears and mouth. From what I've seen, it's their only weakness. ROADIE (looking at the corpse) Looks like they're soft on the inside like any other animal. Trick is to get in there and do the damage. BELLE Maybe we don't have to fight them. BOZO Right, let's just call 'em names. Coach steps forward, poised to make the sale. COACH Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention. The bar skeptically eyes the large, sweaty Greek man. COACH We have to think outside the box here. We don't need to fight them, we need to scare them. Scare them right back. This is a species stand- off. We just need to show them we're not vulnerable. That we're formidable. ADULTERER How? COACH I need a stick. Bartender opens the cooler's lid and carefully pulls out Junior Beast with salad tongs. It falls to the floor with a SPLAT. Coach grabs a splintered broomstick. COACH Stand back. He buries the broomstick into Junior's side and carries the limp carcass towards a covered hole in the wall. COACH Let's get that board down. Roadie pries off a board to reveal a pumpkin sized hole. HEROINE What are you doing? Coach shoves Junior's mangled body through to the outside. COACH Showing superiority. The scent of their dead may drive them away. The whole bar moves to the side wall to see how the Beast family will react. They look through SMALL HOLES, barely able to see anything. BEER GUY I don't see them. COACH Come on. Come onnnnnn. BELLE Is there a call, or something? BOZO See that you monkey fucks! That's what you get when you mess with us! Woman or man, I don't give a fuck! Shit don't make me gay because you'll be sucking my dick! Bozo's insult hangs in the air. PARA Sweet... P.O.V - THROUGH SMALL HOLES WHOOSH! Junior is swiped from the handmade pike. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Coach jerks back. The startled group tries to focus, but it's too dark outside. With the moon as the only light, Father Beast can barely be made out cradling his dead child. Silhouettes of the other family members slowly approach Junior. Papa Beast is gentle and it's almost endearing. BEER GUY It's working. I think it's working. COACH You see? What I tell you? The whole group starts to ease. Then... Papa Beast HOLLERS. P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES Papa Beast lets out a HORRID WAIL. The group jumps back, covering their ears. Then, something really odd happens. Momma tosses Junior in the air, opens her wide jaws and SWALLOWS HIM WHOLE. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Adulterer's eyes widen. ADULTERER Good christ! They're cannibals! COACH Oh dear... P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES Papa Beast moves behind Momma Beast and grabs hold of her. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS A steady "thud-thud-thud" rhythm vibrates the bar. Grandpa's drink starts to hop to edge of his table with the beats. The group maneuvers to get a better look. TRAMPY Oh... my... god. PARA What are they doing now? P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES Yes, Momma Beast and Papa Beast are having MONSTER SEX. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS BOZO Dude, they're humpin'! P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES Unlike humans, Papa Beast finishes and the birth cycle lasts all of thirty seconds. Momma Beast's belly balloons up and she squats. POP! A SLIMY OBJECT the size and shape of a vacuum cleaner drops from her. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Trampy VOMITS. P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES The slimy object SPLITS in half. The two halves spring appendages and raise their heads. The TWIN SISTER BEASTS have been born. Papa moves forward and cleans off his new baby girls. The Beast Girls look at the bar and hiss in unison. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Heroine's eyes bulge. HEROINE Get back! SLAM-SLAM! The two hissing Beast Girls strike the bar front. Roadie shoves that board back over the hole. Beer Guy is holding back the still heaving Trampy's hair. BOZO Any more ideas, Animal Planet? COACH I-I-I was just being proactive... BEER GUY (to Bozo) Hey, you weren't helpin'! BOZO Go douche. BARTENDER What the hell now? ADULTERER We're stuck in here. That's what. Bozo pops open a beer off the back of Para's wheelchair. Roadie nods to Grandpapa Beast's head on the end of the bar. ROADIE Hey, Miss? Heroine turns. ROADIE If you don't mind me asking, how did you run into these things? BOSS MAN More importantly, how did you run away from these things? HEROINE Well, it all started about forty hours ago... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- EVENING The orange sun melts into the horizon. INT. FARMHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Hero and his overweight friend TUBBS (35, hard living career farm hand) laugh at a TV show while Heroine paces on the telephone in the background. HEROINE (into phone) So, how is staying with Grandma working out? Ya know, if you stare into her glasses, you can see what cards she is holding. But I didn't tell you that. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- CONTINUOUS There's a home on the horizon with a big barn next to it. Shrieking and flapping grows in the distance. INT. FARMHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Heroine starts to peek out of the window. HEROINE Mommy will pick you up tomorrow night, okay baby? The phone cuts out. HEROINE Hello? Charlie? Heroine and Hero look at each other with concern. Hero looks out the window. HERO Holy mother of... INT. BAR -- NIGHT Heroine has the group mesmerized. HEROINE We barricaded ourselves in the cellar. Then it was just listening. We heard those things destroy an entire heard of livestock. They just kept coming. Closer and closer, consuming anything in the way. Slashing, feeding and licking the bones clean. Just when we said our prayers, the first ray of sun hit the house... EXT. FARMHOUSE -- MORNING PLOP! A HORSE'S HEAD falls as Heroine and her companions peek out from the damaged cellar door. INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE That first beam of sunlight drove 'em away. Somewhere. We called who we could and then decided to run for it. We didn't see a soul the whole drive out. When the tank went dry, we came upon a gas station to refill. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- LATE DAY The sun is falling into the horizon. The traveler's CAMARO pulls into a small gas station EXT. GAS STATION -- CONTINUOUS Heroine goes up to the service window with Tubbs and looks inside. Nobody. There is a slight BUZZING from inside. Hero hollers from the fuel pump by the car. HERO What's goin' on? The pumps are off. TUBBS There's nobody here -- She follows the buzzing sound to a corner of the room. There is a swarm of black flies crawling over half a STATION ATTENDANT'S gutted torso. HEROINE They've been here! HERO Turn on the pump! Glass shatters as Heroine reaches inside to turn on the pumps. INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE We had no time. All we knew was the sun was dropping and we had to get enough fuel to make it through the night at 90 miles per hour... EXT. GAS STATION -- LATE DAY Hero fills their Camaro. HERO Suck it down you metal bitch. Suck it down. INT. GAS STATION -- CONTINUOUS Heroine and Tubbs hastily grabs food and drinks, ignoring the cash register completely. The sun is setting. EXT. GAS STATION -- CONTINUOUS Hero turns as a shrill HISSING comes from the shadows... INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE It happened fast... EXT. GAS STATION -- LATE DAY Heroine and Tubbs emerge from the gas station shop. HERO Move it! Heroine and Tubbs hear the growing cries of the Beasts. Their loot hits the pavement as they run. HERO Get in the car, baby. Hero drops the spilling gas nozzle. Tubbs slides into the back as Heroine jumps into the driver's seat. Hero runs over the top of the Camaro and slides into the sunroof. He grabs a rifle and aims toward the leaking gas pool. Something rises in the gas station. INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE That's when I saw three others... just for a second. EXT. GAS STATION -- SUNSET Three lean, muscular shapes rise from the shadows. HERO Roll! Heroine fires up the car and tears out. Hero shoots and the station becomes a FIREBALL. INT. CAMARO -- CONTINUOUS HEROINE Close the roof! Hero lowers into the back seat and starts to close the roof as STRIPPED COUSIN BEAST lands on top of the car... HERO Shit! Stripped Cousin Beast PUNCHES through the back window, reaching for them. Heroine jerks the wheel. The car 180's and the Beast sails off of the car into darkness. The Camaro tears down a tangent dirt road. HERO We made it! Hero reaches back to give a "five" to Tubbs. Tubbs doesn't respond. Heroine is the first to see Tubbs' quivering, HEADLESS body in the back seat. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Heroine stands near Grandpa Beast's head. HEROINE It must have smelled the blood or something. We buried the body and got back on the main road when... INT. CAMARO -- NIGHT BOOM! Grandpa Beast LANDS on the front hood of the Camaro. Heroine and Hero SCREAM and rev the engine, swerving madly as Grandpa Beast VOMITS on the windshield. HERO Break! Heroine slams on the breaks. Grandpa Beast slides back, holding onto the grill. HERO Go! Go! Go! Grandpa Beast tears into the engine through the grill as sparks and smoke shoot out. Heroine jerks the steering wheel. HERO Look out! INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE And that's how I ended up here. BARTENDER And the head? INT. CAMARO -- NIGHT The car crashes into a ditch, DECAPITATING Grandpa Beast. His head FIRES through the windshield, landing on Heroine's lap. Its snake-like tongue lashes out at Heroine's crotch. INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE I don't want to talk about that. BARTENDER So, your husband ditched you? HEROINE No. It was wild out there. No time to think. We just moved. He didn't leave me. He just ran. BARTENDER Well, justice is funny. Para wheels over to a COUNTY MAP on the side wall. ROADIE The three from the gas pump are over at the TV station? And you say there's four here, huh? HEROINE It appears so. COACH There's five here now, actually. BOZO Yeah, thanks for that. PARA (to Heroine) Hey, you lived on a farm, right? HEROINE Yeah. ADULTERER Do you think they're gone? I haven't heard anything for a while, maybe they're gone. BELLE Well, maybe they migrate? HEROINE As long as it's dark, they're around. They hide, wait for you to drop your guard, and then attack. TRAMPY How can you be so sure? You said yourself this started a day ago. HEROINE We learned fast. BOZO We? We learned fast? You are all that is left of we. No offense Pocohantas, but I think someone else should play "Chief" tonight. Someone that knows the lay of the land. (beat) Like me. HEROINE Fine. Para stares intently at the map. Adulterer moves over to the window that has shutters over it, peeking through a hole. ADULTERER Maybe these things are like locusts or something and only come out for a few days to feed. This could just be a part of their life cycle. BELLE Somebody's gotta know something about these things. This stuff just doesn't happen out of the blue. The room is silent. Bozo looks around, quickly moving towards Grandpa and Grandma. BOZO You! GRANDPA Wha? BOZO You gotta know somethin', you're old. GRANDPA I don't know a thing. BOZO Old people know stuff like this. Legends, tall tales, shit like that. GRANDPA No! BOZO Spill it! GRANDPA I don't know anything! BOZO (to Grandma) How 'bout you? Or do I have to get rough? GRANDMA Heavens no! BOZO Come on! Think back! GRANDPA If I throw a stick, will you go away? BOZO That's just horse shit. HEROINE Relax, they don't know anything. BOZO Yeah... allegedly. Bozo saunters off. PARA (to Heroine) Hey, where was your farm? HEROINE (points to map) East. Why? PARA Did you ever slaughter? Slaughter livestock? HEROINE Previous owners did, I think. COACH What are you talking about? PARA Slaughterhouse run-off used to be drained into piping that ran through the mountains. Para points along the map as he explains. PARA Earthquakes often cracked the piping and those flow lines were condemned, but never drained. COACH Cheese n' rice... TRAMPY I still don't get it. PARA What I am saying is... there's a distinct possibility that what we are up against is the result of steady stream of blood and tissue that has been leaking into the caves. And a day ago... something broke out. The group is silent. BOZO The first order of business is gettin' a big fuckin' tampon in that cave! PARA Nope, that wouldn't do it. FROM ADULTERER'S P.O.V. - He peeks out the hole and sees nothing but the dark night. Bartender eyes him. BARTENDER I wouldn't do that. BOZO They're probably on to the next buffet by now. There's a retirement home up the road, they'd be easy pickings. HEROINE (to Adulterer) Careful. ADULTERER I'm telling you, I don't see a thing -- BOINK! Papa Beast's claw POKES into his eye. Adulterer JERKS away holding his blood squirting eye socket. FROM OUTSIDE P.O.V. - The eye sees its owner stumble back and fall to the floor holding his face. INSIDE Coach and Trampy move to help Adulterer. FROM OUTSIDE The eyeball fires into Papa's drooling mega-mouth. SLURP! INSIDE BASH! A Beast arm BURSTS through the side wall and SNAGS Coach's pants and boxers. He screams and lunges forward. He is BOTTOMLESS. HEROINE Everyone stay in the middle of the room! Off the walls! NOW! Everyone obeys her command to get in the middle of the room. Belle hands Coach a little menu to cover himself with. HEROINE Now, does everyone agree that they are still out there? The group nods. HEROINE (to Bozo) 'Eh, Chief? BOZO ...Duh. Trampy holds Adulterer's wounded head. TRAMPY He's out cold. BELLE I know some first aid if we have a kit. Do we? BOSS MAN In the kitchen, under the sink. HEROINE No one goes anywhere alone. Least of all, unarmed. TUFFY (to Coach) There's some sweats in my bag behind the bar. COACH Thanks. Coach heads to the bar. Roadie moves to the map near Para. ROADIE You're a clever man. (re: Bozo) Why do you take shit from him? PARA Yeah, he's an ass, but he's my brother. Que sera-sera. ROADIE Your brother, huh? PARA Yep. ROADIE Same parents? PARA Look man, I read books. He reads bumper stickers. Roadie nods. Heroine jerks a bottle of booze from Beer Guy and tosses it out. HEROINE Alright, we need to stay alert and for everyone to take a role. (to Boss Man) You gotta have some guns or weapons around here. Boss Man, pale and morphine pumped, sits at a table with his foot raised. BOSS MAN I got my .38 here. That's six shots and two refills. Downstairs, I have locker with a sawed-off and some gardening tools. Maybe a few boxes of shells. BARTENDER I got shells, too. Box and a half tops. Machete behind the bar. HEROINE Okay, well that's something. ROADIE So we've got guns, kitchen knives, pipes, fire and sticks. Beer Guy scans the stocked bar wall. BEER GUY I might be able to do something with the bottles. GRANDPA You're gonna need a whole lot more than that to get outta here alive. The crowd turns to face Grandpa and his wife. BOZO Oh, now you have something to say? Grandpa holds on to Grandma's hand as he speaks. GRANDPA You young'uns worry about weapons, I'm thinkin' 'bout strategy. BOZO Oh? And what's that? GRANDPA Sit still, look less like a meal. BOZO That's for bears and sharks, chunky chew. The group looks back to Heroine. HEROINE Alright, what else do we have? Can we somehow contact the outside world? Trampy pensively stays on her fractured phone. TRAMPY I can't get anybody. I don't even know if I have a signal anymore. BEER GUY I have a CB in my truck, we could get some help out here. BARTENDER Who the hell would you call? BEER GUY Anyone. BOZO Do you drive a short beer bus or something? You go out there, you get eaten. You stay in here, you get eaten. Anyone comes to help, they get eaten. Don't you see a pattern here, Spuds Makenzie? BEER GUY Then I guess we should just give up. BOZO (re: Trampy) Believe me, I'd love to save the day and get some heroic snatch, but it's not in the cards, partner. HEROINE (to Boss Man) You said you had a short wave radio. TRAMPY Where? BARTENDER Upstairs. BOSS MAN Go for it. It's by the far wall. Channel 9 is the emergency frequency. HEROINE Good. I'm heading to the basement for supplies. (to Bozo) And you're going upstairs. Bozo blinks. A little taken aback. BOZO Let's not get carried away... HEROINE Step up, Chief. BOZO So that's how it is? (hands out) Fine! Shotgun, please. Bartender hands him The Judge. BOZO (to Bartender) You're coming with, portly. 'Cause if I'm attacked, I want a fat man close by. BARTENDER I'll wait by the door. BOZO Now who else is comin'? No one budges. GRANDPA (rising from his seat) I'll go with ya. BOZO What are you gonna do? Throw your teeth at 'em? Sit down, Cocoon. Bartender moves to the back of the bar, grabbing his machete. At the same moment, Coach emerges from behind the bar in very snug, feminine-looking pink sweat pants. BOZO You! Zorba! You're coming too! (to Heroine) Now gimme the keys. Heroine tosses the keys to Bartender. HEROINE No. You're locked in. BOZO What? HEROINE Those two will be on the other side waiting for you. If you become food, I don't want the only set of keys in the belly of one of those things. BOZO Don't get your hopes up. Bozo moves to the staircase. There's blood at the bottom and it gets worse with each step. Bartender and Coach follow. Heroine turns to the bar. HEROINE Any volunteers to head into the basement with me? TUFFY I will. Tuffy stands, sniffling. She wipes the tears from her eyes, looking tough and resolute. BEER GUY That's not a good idea. BOSS MAN With what happened upstairs -- TUFFY Shut up! Shut your mouth. You have no idea what is running through me right now. No idea. (to Heroine) I'm ready. HEROINE Alright. ROADIE Count me in. BEER GUY Me too. Heroine, Tuffy, Roadie, and Beer Guy all move to the basement. The door creaks open slowly. The group descends. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bozo slightly slips on the blood. He grips the railing and pulls himself up the staircase like an old man. BOZO Alright you two, I don't want to hear any of this, "oh, I dropped the key, wrong key, ain't no key here." When I want out, I want out, ok? BARTENDER (displaying keys) They're right here. COACH We've got your back, bro. They unlock the door, swinging it open. BOZO Just keep 'em handy, ladies. Bartender has the key in the thick dead bolt, ready to move. SECOND FLOOR Bozo hustles in. The door shuts and locks. BOZO Wish me luck... WHAM! Bozo is on the ground. OUTSIDE THE DOOR BOZO (O.S.) I'm okay! I'm okay! SECOND FLOOR Bozo rises and nervously surveys the damaged floor. BOZO Come on. Come on. Come on. Bozo jumps when he sees the gore and the bloody shoes from Cody's attack. The TV illuminates the room. BOZO Geeezzzus. (moving gingerly) Okay, now. Easy steps. Easy breaths. Easy steps. MAIN BAR Belle kneels next to the Boss Man. BELLE How are you holding up? BOSS MAN Well... He pulls a bottle out of his pocket and hands it to her. BELLE What is this? BOSS MAN Morphine. My magic potion. I need a few drops. She puts a few drops on his out-stretched tongue. BOSS MAN You should try a little, it'll calm your nerves. Works like a charm. BELLE No other time than now, right? BOSS MAN Wait, before you do that, help me move. There's a small room off the kitchen where I can lay down. BELLE But -- BOSS MAN It's much safer in there. Trust me. BASEMENT The basement is dark, dingy and scattered with crap. Dried out ANIMAL CARCASSES hang from the ceiling on hooks. A WINDOW is open. Roadie slams it shut, eyeing the room, staring into the dark corners. ROADIE Stay on your toes everybody. Tuffy tightly grips her weapon, ready to fire. Heroine kneels next to a hatch door that emits a red glow. HEROINE What's this? Roadie jams a pipe into the little door, bracing it shut. ROADIE You don't need to know what that is. Beer Guy finds the dusty locker and opens it. BEER GUY There's a sawed-off shotgun in here. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bartender and Coach have their ears pressed to the door. COACH Come on, bro. Behind them, through a boarded window, something CRAWLS upward. SECOND FLOOR Bozo moves turtle slow. BOZO Lamaze. Lamaze. Lamaze. He moves to the Boss Man's private room. He puts his hand out to open it. Trembling, he touches the knob and... CREEEEEEEEAK! The door eases open. Bozo steps inside the room. He moves over to a lamp and pulls the chain. A bat FLIES off the lamp shade SCREECHING. Bozo falls backwards. BOZO HAAAA! OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bartender and Coach jump back. SECOND FLOOR Bozo gets off the floor again. He may have filled his pants. BOZO Just a bat! I'm okay! Just a bat! OUTSIDE THE DOOR BARTENDER If he doesn't shut up... COACH He is human kabob. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN The room is like a converted pantry. Boss Man lies on a cot, kissing Belle. A tiny wall fan spins providing ventilation. Belle pulls away and brushes back her long hair. BELLE Doesn't your foot hurt? BOSS MAN I can't feel a thing, Hon. BELLE (touching his crotch) How 'bout now? BOSS MAN You're a bad girl, aren't you. Belle, a bit high, sways and starts to remove her clothes. BELLE Um-hmmm. BOSS MAN The girl's got rhythm. She takes off her blouse and tosses it at him. She then lifts up her skirt and bends over, giggling. BOSS MAN There it is. BASEMENT Roadie emerges with two crates. He dumps them on the floor. ROADIE This is all junk. Beer Guy holds a rusted machete. BEER GUY This could come in handy. HEROINE Let's get everything upstairs. Heroine moves to the stairs, but stops. She grabs Tuffy by the arm and takes her aside. HEROINE I'm sorry. TUFFY Don't worry, I'm fine. Really. HEROINE I admire your strength. TUFFY Trust me, I plan on having a full breakdown when this is over, but for now, we all have to be strong, right? Heroine reaches into her shirt and pulls out an IDENTICAL LOCKET as Tuffy's. She opens it and displays a picture of a LITTLE GIRL. HEROINE This is my daughter, Charlie. She's all I'm after. TUFFY (fighting back tears) Oh... HEROINE And I'm gonna need your strength, every bit of it. TUFFY You have it. HEROINE Good. But still do me a favor. TUFFY Name it. HEROINE (with a wink) Don't tell anyone I have a soft side. TUFFY (tiny smile) Deal. SECOND FLOOR Bozo turns and points the gun around the room. He sees the CB. It is like an intercom with a cable running outside. He drops the shotgun and fidgets with the CB knobs. BOZO Hello? Anyone there? We need help out here at the United Nations Tavern. Send guns, tanks, and all that shit. 10-4. S.O.S. All he gets is static. A faint GROWL is heard outside. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bartender hears the growl, his eyes grow wide. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Belle rubs her hands over her rounded ass and flicks her tongue at Boss Man. BELLE You wanna see, baby? BOSS MAN Hell yeah. BELLE How much you got? BOSS MAN How much I got, what? BELLE How much you got to see the show? BOSS MAN You don't understand, sweety. Daddy doesn't pay. Daddy sees the show for free. But you do get points for being horny on a night like this. She cringes and backs up a little. BELLE What? BOSS MAN You can't expect a man to buy a car without a test drive first, can you? BELLE Um, hmm -- BOSS MAN Now wiggle that sweet little ass over here and sit on Daddy's face, I wanna do some appraising. SECOND FLOOR Bozo barks into the CB. BOZO Repeat. We need help. SOS. Calling all cars! Calling all cars! We need help at the United Nations Tav -- The CB is JERKED from Bozo's hands and slams into the wall. BOZO Shit! Bozo aims the gun at the wall. Chewing sounds begin. BOZO Double shit! He backs up to the door. OUTSIDE THE DOOR BOZO (O.S.) Okay, I'm ready to come out now! Bartender confidently turns the key. CLICK! It breaks off in the lock. BARTENDER Oh! SECOND FLOOR BOZO "OH!?" WHAT IS "OH?" What does "oh" mean? Bozo knocks on the door hard. BOZO HEY! OPEN IT!!! OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bartender looks to Coach. BARTENDER Wha? SECOND FLOOR BOZO OPEN THE DOOR!!! A thunderous CRASH! Boards fly off the wall. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Belle, hearing the crash, jerks back from Boss Man. BELLE What was that? CRASH! Sister Beast #1 and Sister Beast #2 punch through the tiny wall fan and GRAB Belle by the scalp. She is JERKED against the wall. She's slammed against it repeatedly and then -- RIP! Belle's skin is TORN from her head and torso. Boss Man jumps back. BOSS MAN Hoh-SHIT! Help!! Help me!!! Belle falls into Boss Man's arms for a HIDEOUS KISS. BOSS MAN NO! NO! NO! Boss Man shoves the bloody Belle back against the wall. Sister Beast #1 pokes her head inside the room, hissing. MAIN BAR Heroine and the others, just returning from the basement, hear the mayhem from upstairs and the kitchen. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Coach fumbles desperately with the jammed lock, trying to use his fingernails to turn the metal stump. COACH Great god, why do you damn me?! SECOND FLOOR Bozo bangs on the door and looks over his shoulder at the Momma and Papa Beast chomping at the wall. BOZO GET ME OUTTA HERE!!! MAIN BAR The group is mesmerized. PARA Oh please, no. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Boss Man uses the cot to block the Sister Beasts from entering. They hiss and shred the cot fabric. BOSS MAN They're getting in! Somebody help! SECOND FLOOR Bozo kicks and punches the door. BOZO HELP!!! GODDAMN IT!!! MAIN BAR Heroine charges up the staircase. Roadie rips the sawed-off weapon from Beer Guy and runs for the kitchen. OUTSIDE THE DOOR BARTENDER The key broke off! HEROINE (to Coach) Move it! Heroine rips the earring from Bartender's ear. He YELPS. She jams the backing into the lock. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Boss Man crawls for the door. Sister Beast #1 fires out a whip-like tongue and snags Boss Man's damaged foot. He howls in pain. Sister Beast #2 tongue-lasso's his other foot. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Heroine's picking fingers are bleeding from her effort. BOZO (O.S.) HELP ME PLEASE!!! SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Boss Man is pulled towards the Sister Beasts. BOSS MAN HELLLLLP!!! Roadie kicks open the door and FIRES at the Sisters. They dive back out of the room screeching. SECOND FLOOR BOZO HELLLLLLLLP!!! Right behind Bozo, the boards fly off the portal window. Papa Beast flies at Bozo. Bozo spins and aimlessly FIRES his shotgun, hitting Papa Beast directly in the groin. The door flies open. Bozo is YANKED to safety just as Papa STRIKES the closing door. MAIN BAR The patrons track the wild CRASHING and HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING sounds of Papa Beast. He finally breaks out of the upstairs. Beer Guy and Roadie carry Boss Man into the room as Coach, Bartender, Heroine and the shaken Bozo creep down the stairs. Bozo slowly takes a seat in his brother's lap. PARA I thought that was it for a second there. TRAMPY What happened? BOZO I got Papa in the stones. (beat) He's neutered. PARA Whoa... good one... ROADIE That back room is sealed shut. Heroine glares at Boss Man. HEROINE I told you to stay in the main room. BOSS MAN Yeah... I will. I will. Promise. Coach eyes the group, this is his time to shine. COACH (rising, full of brawn) If they can't reproduce anymore -- we are one step closer! A big step! Now is the time to band together. We need to rise up against these monsters of the night! Those creatures are no match for the human spirit! We can do it! We just need to believe in each other! In all of us! We need to make a stand! Right here! Right now! Long silence. Bozo stares. BOZO Dude, are you gay? Coach sits down, humbled. HEROINE We know what not to do. We must stay focused and together. The beasts will find a breach. We gotta find a way out before they find a way in. TUFFY Let's run for the cars, cause mass confusion. BARTENDER The lot's too damn far, that's surefire suicide. The room is silent. Bartender motions to Boss Man, but he is promptly shushed by Boss Man. Heroine notices. HEROINE (to Boss Man) What? BOSS MAN What? HEROINE You know what. BOSS MAN I don't know shit. HEROINE (to Roadie) You. What was that door downstairs? BOSS MAN Wait, wait, wait. Heroine glares at Roadie. HEROINE Don't bullshit me. BARTENDER It's a tunnel. Roadie nods, causing Boss Man to sigh. BARTENDER It runs about a hundred yards and spits out on the backside of that hill down the way. HEROINE What's it for? They clam up. HEROINE What's it for!? BOSS MAN Grass, man. I grow pot down there. HEROINE Does the tunnel spit out near a car? BOSS MAN It spits out behind the parking lot. BOSS MAN My truck is near, but it ain't nearly big enough to haul the whole lot. HEROINE It's a shot. Is it gassed up? BOSS MAN Fully. HEROINE Four door? BOSS MAN Two. HEROINE How many can it hold? BOSS MAN Six. HEROINE Max? BOSS MAN Seven. HEROINE It's gonna fit thirteen. BOSS MAN Thirteen clowns wouldn't fit. HEROINE (with hand out) Keys. ROADIE What're you planning? HEROINE Three of us go. Two to defend, one to drive. We back up to the bar and then tear ass out of here. BOSS MAN Sounds sketchy. HEROINE Let me make this clear; if we stay, we die. Boss Man reluctantly pulls out some keys that are on a string around his neck. ROADIE Give 'em to me, I'm going. BARTENDER You're trusting that con? He'll ditch us and never look back. ROADIE Fuck you too. BARTENDER Get in line! HEROINE Hey! I'm not trusting him either, that's why I'm going with. Coach stands forward. COACH "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." (off blank stares) The Duke. I will go. HEROINE This is it. They have this place surrounded, but if we go under them we might just make it. BARTENDER This is a bottleneck waiting to happen. SMACK! Bozo SLAPS Coach's ass. BOZO This one's great under pressure. I wish you luck. HEROINE The rest of you prepare the weapons, whatever you got left. 'Cause when we crash through those walls, we're bringin' death with us. Heroine takes The Judge from Bartender and hands it to Coach. COACH No, I don't believe in guns. BARTENDER This ain't time for a political stance. Coach takes the rusty machete from Beer Guy. COACH This doesn't run out of ammo. BARTENDER Got ya. Heroine, Roadie, and Coach move to the basement. BOZO Hey! The three look to Bozo, who offers a parting nod. BOZO When you get to that truck... drive it like you stole it. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS At a booth, Trampy re-bandages Adulterer's eye. TRAMPY How does it feel? ADULTERER Lousy. TRAMPY You still have one left. ADULTERER Yes, the silver lining. TRAMPY It serves you right for cheating. ADULTERER Spare me. TRAMPY I figure it's karma. You wronged me and you wronged your wife, so this is karma biting you on the ass, or in your case... in the eye. Bozo moves close, surveying the bandage work. BOZO Oh yeah? TRAMPY It could be worse, you could be dead. Then again, the climax is upon us. BOZO (re: Trampy's hair) Ya know, that's not a bad look on you. Kinda 1985, but not bad. I'd hook it up. TRAMPY I wouldn't fuck you for practice. BOZO Tease. ADULTERER Leave her alone. BOZO Hey, cyclops. Let's have a quiet contest... starting now. Bozo turns his attention back to Trampy. BOZO Ya know, in situations of duress, I have found that women are attracted to my authority. INT. BAR -- BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS Heroine, Roadie, and Coach make their way through the basement. Creeks and cracks with every step. ROADIE (to Heroine) You handle yourself pretty well. You a cop or a criminal? HEROINE Neither. Just a farmer. ROADIE Oh yeah? Then how do you do it? HEROINE I just think about my husband and daughter... and the rest is easy. The light casts a shadow of something BEHIND THE CURTAIN. Roadie moves to open the curtain with his sawed-off barrel. HEROINE Easy. WHIP! The curtain slides. It's a dried animal hide on a hook. They all sigh. Roadie unblocks the tiny door. Heroine scans the room. ROADIE This place is creepy in the daytime, too. Ready? Coach's hand shakes as he raises his weapon. ROADIE Scared? COACH No. You? ROADIE Of course not. I fight monsters all the time. (gripping the door) On three. Roadie, Heroine raise their weapons. COACH One... two... three!!! Roadie whips open the door. Nothing. BANG-GONG-GONG! Some pipes CRASH to the ground next to them... they jump, but nothing is there. A LITTLE MOUSE emerges from the fallen heap. COACH Well, look at that. Coach leans down and puts out his hand. He smiles as Heroine watches over his shoulder. COACH Hey, little fella. HEROINE Let's go. He leaves the mouse and follows Heroine to the tunnel. SLURP! A pink tongue LASSOS the mouse. A red fluorescent glow radiates from the tunnel. They all drop in, one by one, entering the steamy, confined space. COACH Looks like a brothel for plants. ROADIE Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Tuffy stands by a far wall, looking through the planks for movement. At the bar, Beer Guy makes MOLOTOV COCKTAILS. Bozo moves close, slaps Beer Guy's constructing hand. BOZO Ah-ah-ah! You're doing that all wrong! BEER GUY What do you know? BOZO I know you're doing it wrong. BEER GUY Prove it. Bozo grabs a cloth rag and moves to the alcohol bottles. BOZO Move aside, princess. INT. TUNNEL -- NIGHT The tunnel is thin and no more than SIX FEET HIGH. Cherry red fluorescent lights line the top of the tunnel and kneehigh marijuana plants are along the ground soil. There are thick pipes above the plants that work as a makeshift watering system. There is about six inches of water on the floor. COACH (to Roadie) You and I are similar. We both have accents. We both travel a lot. We both don't really have homes... ROADIE You should be quiet. COACH I am sorry, I ramble when I'm nervous. HEROINE Quiet. Coach bites his lip, dying to say something. COACH It's just that this seems like the opportune time for someone to be horribly... offed. ROADIE What did I say? COACH Sorry. I'm done now. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Bozo stuffs the cloth rag into one of the bottles. BOZO You don't want the rag touching booze, that way you can hold it and ensure it explodes when you throw it. PARA You sure? I thought the rag had to touch? BOZO I'm sure. Bozo finishes the Molotov cocktail and grabs a beer. BOZO Perfecto. What we should do, though, is put those peanut barrels to use. Fill 'em with booze and line up some planks. If the walls come down... we hit 'em Donkey Kong style. Para and Beer Guy eye the three large peanut barrels, perfect for bomb-making. PARA Genius. BEER GUY You aren't nearly as dumb as you look, are you? BOZO Next time, look within. Stereotyping can be ugly and hurtful. Bozo looks to Trampy, putting an arm around her shoulder. BOZO Excuse me for being forward, but I'm curious about your dimensions. INT. TUNNEL -- NIGHT Roadie leads the way and glares at the opposite end. The tunnel slightly curves, so he can't see the whole way down. ROADIE Hold up. You hear something? A SCRATCHING sound is heard from above. ROADIE They're trying to burrow through the tunnel walls. HEROINE Move. The scratching sound increases, now heard from the far end of the tunnel as well. COACH Like moles these things. Then, Sister Beast #1 drops into the tunnel from the far end. She charges. At the last second, Roadie spots her. ROADIE Duck! Roadie and Coach duck into the water, but Heroine is unable to avoid a thrust that knocks her back ten yards. Sister Beast #1 lands and turns, surveying her prey. Roadie aims his water-dripping gun, but Heroine rises and blocks his shot. ROADIE Stay down! From her knees, Heroine fires. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! The three shots push Sister Beast #1 backwards. Heroine rises, covered in muddy water and bleeding from a cut across the face. HEROINE Go! The bitch is mine! Roadie and Coach reluctantly turn, leaving Heroine to fend with the Beast. Heroine charges. Hissing, Sister Beast #1 charges as well. Heroine pumps and fires. BOOM! Sister Beast spins, avoiding the shot. Now too close, Heroine jams the Beast in the mouth with the gun, knocking her back. Sister Beast #1 responds with a swipe and chomp on the arm. Heroine bats her away. Sister Beast #1 moves to the others. HEROINE Look out! Roadie and Coach sprint until Sister Beast #2 BURSTS through the tunnel walls, stopping Roadie and Coach in their tracks. Roadie fires his weapon, but it sparks and fizzles. ROADIE The shells are wet! With the two Beasts closing in. The men are trapped. Coach looks around, seeing a plan. COACH Grab onto ceiling and get out of water! ROADIE What? COACH Do it!!! Grabbing onto the piping along the ceiling, Roadie pulls himself from the water. Coach uses the machete to cut a power cord from above. He grabs the exposed, sparking end. COACH (to Heroine) Get out of water!!! Heroine sees what he's doing, sprints back the way they came. As the two Beasts charge, Coach pulls himself out of the water by holding onto the above piping. He's forced to wait for Heroine to get out of the water. The second she does, he jams the cord into the water. ZAP! The conductive water sizzles. Sister Beast #1 and Sister Beast #2 lock up and crash. ELECTROCUTION. Sparks and smoke rises from their cooked bodies. Roadie and Coach look to each other, victorious. They begin shimmying along the piping to the end of the tunnel. INT. TUNNEL/BASEMENT -- NIGHT Heroine looks back at the two men. She turns and reenters the basement. GAH! Teen Beast drops in front of her, whacking her to the floor. Heroine slides across the floor, but jumps up quickly. Teen Beast cautiously moves in for the kill. Heroine raises her weapon. HEROINE You fuck with my family. (aiming shotgun) I fuck right back! Click -- out of ammo! HEROINE Oh shit. Heroine THROWS the shotgun at him and pulls out the MACHETE. She rolls left and swings. Teen Beast loses two fingers. She swings again but gets whacked to the floor. Heroine rolls with the hit, grabs her shotgun, and dives into the KEG ELEVATOR. She slams closed the door as Teen Beast regains its composure and lunges. BAM! It CRASHES against the door. INT. TUNNEL -- NIGHT Roadie and Coach crawl to the platform by the exit. COACH They will write stories of your bravery. ROADIE If there's anybody left. The two men climb up the ladder leading to the ground above. At the top, Roadie pushes off the plywood covering. The two men peer into the night and spot the TRUCK. INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine wedges the door closed. The Beast continues to try to get in. Heroine bangs the top of the small elevator... HEROINE Send it up! Send it up! MAIN BAR Tuffy backs up and hears the screams from the keg elevator. TUFFY Hey! Hey! She's in the shaft! Beer Guy hits the button. The gears grind and start to pull the elevator up to the main floor. INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine squirms as the elevator rises. HEROINE Move it! Move it! Move it! As Teen Beast starts to tear at the base of the rising keg elevator in the shaft, Heroine pounds and tears at the few planks above her in the keg elevator. MAIN BAR Beer Guy hits the button. BEER GUY Come on! BOZO Ol' Crazy Horse has seen it. TUFFY Shut up! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR The elevator SHAKES. Heroine POUNDS a hole through the elevator top. She tries to squeeze through the SMALL HOLE. Teen Beast BITES through the floor board of the keg elevator. CLANGGG! The elevator stops. Heroine lurches and grabs the greasy cables to stop her fall. HEROINE Goddamn it! MAIN BAR TUFFY It stopped. It fuckin' stopped! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine screams as the elevator shakes. Teen Beast is struggling to climb right under her. MAIN BAR TRAMPY Do something! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR HEROINE I'M ALIVE! OPEN THE DOOR! MAIN BAR Tuffy moves for the keg door. Adulterer grabs The Judge from Bartender. ADULTERER Stop! TRAMPY What the fuck are you doing?! ADULTERER They can't get in here! We agreed! They'll get us! TUFFY She can make it! ADULTERER I will not die because of her! BARTENDER Don't be stupid, drop the gun! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine HACKS at one of the two greasy cables. Teen Beast is in the elevator car and RISING. MAIN BAR TRAMPY YOU'RE KILLING HER! ADULTERER They'll get in! We'll all die! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine almost has the primary cable cut. Teen Beast rises up to bite. SNAP!! The cable BREAKS. Heroine SOARS up the shaft. Teen Beast is pulled down to the bottom. The keg elevator door bursts open on impact. Heroine SLAMS into the ceiling, kicking and yelling. MAIN BAR Tuffy KNOCKS Adulterer's shotgun up, takes the gun, and rips open the keg door. Heroine swings out. P.O.V. - Teen Beast is right behind her with mouth open and ready to feed. Tuffy points her shotgun. BLAM! Teen lurches back, dropping back down the shaft. Tuffy slams the keg door shut. Heroine pants on the floor. Adulterer is down, winded. BOZO Welcome back. HEROINE F-f-fuck you. BARTENDER What the hell happened? TUFFY You okay? HEROINE I think they made it. She turns to Adulterer, rigid. HEROINE Stop trying to get people killed. It is getting very old. Adulterer nods, ashamed. Heroine looks around the bar. She notices the peanut barrels on top of the bar. Two wooden planks serve as track, leading straight for the side wall. HEROINE What's this? BOZO Ingenuity, baby. Ingenuity. HEROINE (to Bartender) I need some shells. BARTENDER I have two left. Bartender expels a shell from The Judge and hands it over. BARTENDER Make it count. Heroine cringes, eyeing the lined up Molotov cocktails. HEROINE Let's prepare ourselves, they ought to be here with the truck any minute. BOSS MAN Bullshit. Boss Man sips a bottle, still hopped-up on morphine. He lazily loads his pistol from a pool of bullets on his belly. BOSS MAN If you ask me, I'm gonna just lay right here, wait for sunrise, then walk on out of here. HEROINE That's your choice, but this is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets any better. Boss Man shrugs, content with himself. BOSS MAN If all of you run for it, they won't care about lil ol' me. They like the food that moves... CRASH! Teen Beast's arm ERUPTS through the Boss Man's belly. His pistol and bullets scatter across the floor. BOSS MAN OHHH!!! SNAPPP!!! His head and legs SLAP together as the arm pulls him through a small hole in the floor. The group jumps back. Blood rockets out. His body is pureed down the tiny hole. HEROINE Get on the tables!!! On the tables!!! Everyone struggles to get on the tables. CRASH! Teen Beast's arm reaches up and GRABS Para's wheelchair, violently shaking it. Para FALLS to the floor. Teen Beast's arm grabs Para's leg... PARA HELP ME!!! BOZO Bonsai! Bozo jumps from a table and STOMPS on Teen Beast's arm. He picks up Para and TOSSES him onto a table. BOZO Hot potato!!! Bozo leaps back onto a table. POP! The power cuts out. The room goes black. BEER GUY We're gonna die! ADULTERER What the hell?! HEROINE Settle down! TRAMPY Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! And with that, the shouting and pounding stops. The group nervously shuffles around the tables. There's silence. Dead silence. Then, far is the distance, beyond the walls, a sound is heard. It's screaming. And it's approaching. Rapidly. The survivors maneuver to peek out the front walls. BARTENDER What's that? Tuffy sees what is coming. TUFFY They didn't make it. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Being held by Papa and Momma Beast, Roadie and Coach are both rushed towards the wall like human battering rams. ROADIE RUN!!! THUD! The first strike causes the men to HOWL. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The survivors shake in sickened silence. From beyond the walls, they can hear high-pitched SCREAMS. THUD! THUD! THUD! With every strike, a splattering of blood spits through the planks of wood. BARTENDER That wall's coming down! BOZO Commence Plan B! The entire group goes into motion. HEROINE What's Plan B? BOZO Just watch the floor and keep the others safe! THUD! THUD! THUD! With a final furious strike, a few wood planks splinter. Papa Beast sticks in his head and hisses. BOZO Bomb's away!!! From the bar, Beer Guy, Tuffy, and Adulterer release the first peanut barrel. It's ablaze and sails straight for Papa Beast. BLAM! It explodes, bursting open the wall and knocking back Papa Beast. The wooden walls go up in flame. Para, on a side table, reaches out and grabs Boss Man's .38 from the floor. The second peanut barrel is released. It sails outside the breach, but it doesn't explode. Nevertheless, the Beasts stay far away. Teen Beast madly rips floor boards away, moving towards Para's table. Teen Beast bursts through the floor, knocking Para to the floor. Para crawls to his fallen wheelchair. Teen Beast spots him, moves in to feed. Para points his seat back at the scattered .38 bullets and flips the armrest switch. SNAP! The bullets jump to the power magnet. Para yanks one free, loads the pistol and turns just as Teen Beast strikes... POP! The shot hits Teen Beast in the eye, sending him back down the hole in the floor. Heroine and Bartender move in. When Teen Beast sticks his head out of the hole again, they thrust both their shotguns into each ear. HEROINE Now! BLAM-BLAM! The two shots scatter head everywhere. The flames in the bar spread, catching the entire wall and roof on fire. EXT. BAR -- MOMENTS LATER The second barrel comes to a stop a good distance from the bar. Suddenly, the top is knocked off. Trampy sticks her head out. Seeing no trouble, she emerges, dizzy as hell, and races for the nearby BEER TRUCK. INT. BAR -- MOMENTS LATER Papa and Momma Beast both charge the bar. The third peanut barrel is released. It sails for them, but they dive out of the way. KABLOOM! It takes out the rest of the wall. Fire and smoke fills the place. Adulterer douses Momma Beast with booze as Beer Guy nails her with a lit Molotov cocktail. WHOOSH! Engulfed in flame, she bolts from the bar shrieking. BOZO One down, one to go!!! Papa enters and is instantly cornered. He swings wildly. HEROINE (to Bartender) Help me! Heroine and Bartender rip the DEER HEAD from the wall and charge Papa, pinning him against the wall with the antlers. HEROINE Come on! Bozo and Beer Guy dive into Papa's legs, holding them down. Tuffy picks up The Judge. WHAM! The shotgun butt knocks out Papa's front teeth. Tuffy raises the weapon again, staring down at the monster that killed her child, but Papa Beast gets an arm free to knock away her fatal blow. Bartender wrenches Papa Beast's arm with all his might. With her hair stuck in Papa Beast's claw, Tuffy is pulled face to face with the beast. She squirms as he chomps at her, but with no front teeth, he can't do immediate damage. BARTENDER I can't hold him!!! HEROINE Do something!!! Tuffy reaches back and shoves her fist into Papa Beast's mouth, jamming it down his throat. He instantly gags, sucking for air. Papa Beast struggles to get free, but the others hold tight. Papa Beast's body begins to quiver from a lack of oxygen. His eyes widen, face to face with Tuffy. TUFFY CHOKE ON IT!!! With one last lunge, Papa Beast shakes, his life drifting away. His eyes turn black as his body goes limp. Tuffy pulls out her arm from his throat. BARTENDER God... BOZO I need to get your number. Tuffy shakes her wet arm dry. As the group pulls away, Papa Beast is still pinned to the wall with the deer antlers dug into the wood. Heroine turns to Grandma and Grandpa, offering a hand. HEROINE Come on, I'll help you. GRANDPA No thank you, we're content. HEROINE I'm not leaving anyone behind. GRANDMA Maybe next time, dear. Heroine swallows and nods. HONK-HONK-HONK! Just outside the breached wall, the beer truck pulls up. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The beer truck screeches to a halt. Trampy's at the wheel, waving the group over. With the bar burning, a thick layer of SMOKE blankets the entire area. The people amass at the opening, but Heroine stops them from advancing. The group stares the dark night. Silent. HEROINE She's still out here. Heroine eyes the truck, seeing something she likes. HEROINE Stay put. She creeps out alone. HEROINE Where are you... come on... Nothing. Just smoke. And silence. HEROINE Come on! Come on! From the smoke, a smoldering Momma Beast charges like a bull. At the truck, Heroine opens the back doors and dives in, leaving the doors open. Momma Beast gives chase, entering the back. INSIDE TRUCK Heroine is deep into the truck as Momma Beast enters. She advances, hissing. HEROINE Come and get me you blood-chugging CUNT! Momma howls and charges. Heroine slides out the side keg door, locking it behind her. Before Momma can see the trap, Beer Guy slam closed the rear doors. OUTSIDE TRUCK Beer Guy latches it. Trampy comes around the truck. TRAMPY You got her? You got her! HEROINE Not for long, we gotta burn it. Heroine looks to the others at the breach. HEROINE Come on! Let's blow this thing! The others move into action. Beer Guy takes off his shirt and shoves it into the fuel tank. Adulterer and Bozo, with Para riding piggyback, help. They use the Molotov cocktails to make a fuel trail leading away from the truck. BEER GUY When this lights, run like hell. About fifteen yards away from the truck. Bozo throws his silver-plated American Eagle lighter to Heroine. HEROINE (catching lighter) Here we go... Then, a noise: EOCH-OCK-OCK! EOCK-OCK-OCK! EOCK-OCK-OCK! A deafening pattern of sound erupts from within the truck. It's Momma Beast. Again and again. TUFFY What is that? HEROINE She's calling for help. Heroine drops the lighter onto the fuel. It races for the truck. When feet away, COUSIN BEAST lands, stomping out the fire with his foot. BOZO The fan has officially been buried in the shit. Instantly, another beast, AUNT BEAST, lands on the top of the truck. These Beasts are like the others, but stripped. The group gasps. Trampy backs away. TRAMPY We have to run -- BURST! Trampy's rib cage is ripped from her body. The culprit, UNCLE BEAST, stands behind her. Her organs drop like a box of vegetables. Cousin Beast lets out a high-pitched roar. From atop the truck, the rear doors are ripped open. Momma Beast emerges. HEROINE Get to your cars!!! The Beasts spring into action, chasing the group. Bozo, with Para on his back, sprints for his car. Aunt Beast RIPS Para from Bozo's back. BOZO Motherfucker! Give him back! Bozo runs for his Trans-Am. Para falls to the ground, still alive. Bozo turns back and sees him. BOZO Oh Jesus! PARA HELLLPPP! Bozo grabs his brother and puts him on his back again, runs. BOZO I thought we lost you -- Para is RIPPED into the air again. BOZO You FUCKER! Tuffy and Bartender jump into his PICKUP TRUCK. TUFFY (to Heroine) Get in! Heroine hops in the back. Beer Guy and Adulterer run to a car together. Beer Guy lags behind, continually looking over his shoulder. ADULTERER Run and quit looking back! As Beer Guy looks forward, Aunt Beast and Uncle Beast hit him HIGH-AND-LOW, cutting him in half. Bozo makes it to his Trans-Am. BOZO DO IT! VAHVVVOOOMMMM! The car roars to life. He pushes in a tape. The "MIAMI VICE" theme song blares from the speakers. BOZO Get me FUCK BIRDS! Bozo peels out. Aunt Beast lands right in his path. BOZO No you don't! BAM! He SMACKS Aunt Beast head on, sending the creature's disemboweled body sailing through the air. BOZO VENGEANCE! Para DROPS from the sky, still ALIVE and panting. Cars are moving everywhere. PARA Oh Jesussss... INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The burning JUKEBOX plays a slow love song. Dancing and holding each other, Grandpa smooches Grandma on the forehead. GRANDPA We had a good run. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Para crawls along the ground, being ignored by the Beasts. PARA HELP ME! HELP ME SOMEBODY! Bozo turns on his windshield wipers to clear off the blood and guts. He spots Para. BOZO Hang on! Para claws the ground. PARA Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Bartender jerks the wheel of his car. BARTENDER Oh shit! Para sees Bartender's approaching truck. PARA NOOO!!! Para rolls right, just missing tires. Para yells for his brother. PARA COME ON! GODDAMN IT! Bozo's eyes bulge. BOZO Brother!!! BAM! Para is SMEARED by Adulterer's car. ADULTERER Shit! Bozo floors it. BOZO (overly endearing) I meant to tell you so much! The remaining cars maneuver to hit the open road. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Grandpa and Grandma hold each other tight. Uncle Beast enters, moving to their table. It moves in for the kill. Grandpa kisses his wife gently. GRANDPA Close your eyes, hon. The Beast OPENS its massive jaws and... CRASH! Bozo's car DRIVES through the bar, SMEARING the Beast. INT. BOZO'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS BOZO YOU ARE SUCKING MY DICK!!! Bozo guns the engine, crashing out the other end of the bar. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Bozo's car veers, flipping over a pile of rubble. BOZO Motherfucker!!! Bozo squirms in his flipped car, UPSIDE-DOWN. He hears a Beast approaching. He pulls out a BUTTERFLY KNIFE from the open glove box and SAWS at his safety belt. Cousin Beast leans into the passenger side of the car and looks him right in the eye. Bozo raises the knife. BOZO Lord, if I die, bury me upside down so the world can KISS MY ASS! Cousin Beast leaps in. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The remaining TWO CARS race down the road. INT. BARTENDER'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS With the peddle to the floor, Bartender drives. BARTENDER I think we're in the clear -- BAM! Momma Beast lands on the roof. She reaches inside and yanks out Bartender's throat. The car veers. Tuffy rights it, leaning over and stomping on the gas. Momma yanks at the door, pulling it open. Tuffy pushes out Bartender's corpse and JERKS the wheel. IN THE BACK Momma Beast falls back, knocking down Heroine. Momma Beast nearly falls out, but manages to grab the rear gate with one claw. Defenseless, Heroine backs away. Momma Beast holds on tightly, pulling herself onto the bed of the truck. Tuffy stares back through the glass, unable to do anything. Momma Beast lunges towards Heroine. Momma Beast's claw snags Heroine's locket, jerking Heroine right up to the creature's face. The locket catches Momma's attention for split second. Her remaining eye goes from the picture of Charlie to Heroine. Momma's mouth opens wide. Heroine screams! And then, a beam of the RISING SUN catches the gold locket and burns into Momma's eye. In one quick motion, she's gone, taking the locket with her. Heroine lets out her breath, reaching around her neck for what is no longer there. The truck SKIDS to a halt. Tuffy jumps out. TUFFY Are you okay?! HEROINE I don't know, I think -- ADULTERER (O.S.) Hey! They both jump as Adulterer approaches. ADULTERER Are you two all right? They left! We made it! I think we made it! TUFFY They'll be back. HEROINE We're safe until dark, but we need to find other people. Heroine rises and moves to the cab of the truck. She finds a pack of cigs under the visor. Pops in the lighter. HEROINE You know where the IGA grocery store is over in Red Mountain? ADULTERER Um, yeah, ten miles west. HEROINE They have a bomb shelter. PING! The lighter springs out, hot. Heroine lights up and passes one to Tuffy. HEROINE We'll meet in three hours? ADULTERER I don't wanna go home alone... I don't wanna see what might have... TUFFY Don't worry about that. Just go. Moment of silence as Adulterer and Tuffy look down the desolate road. ADULTERER I'm sorry about your son. I really am. Tuffy nods, affectionately touching his hand. ADULTERER Where are you two going? HEROINE We're going to get my little girl. ADULTERER I wish you luck. The car peels off. Adulterer watches the car tear down the road. He glances up at the RISING SUN. EXT. TOWN ROAD -- DAY A sign reading "RED MOUNTAIN" swings lazily in the breeze. Tuffy and Heroine coast down a town road. There are random POOLS OF RED BLOOD in the dirt. No one in sight. EXT. TOWN ROAD -- DAY Adulterer drives along a small town road. There's no sign of life here either. EXT. HEROINE'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY The car pulls up to the house. The only sound is the wind. INT. BARTENDER'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS Heroine and Tuffy look at each other and proceed with caution. INT. ADULTERER'S CAR -- DAY He pulls up in front of his house. The front door is swinging open, BANGING against the door frame. INT. HEROINE'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY Heroine enters the ransacked house. Tuffy follows. INT. ADULTERER'S HOUSE -- DAY He enters his house. It too, is a mess. INT. HEROINE'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY They look down the stairs to the basement. Nothing. They move up the stairs to the second floor. SECOND FLOOR SMACK! They spin to the noise. INT. ADULTERER'S HOUSE -- DAY He moves up the stairs to the master bedroom. SMACK! There's a noise at the end of the hall. SMACK! INT. HEROINE'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY They cautiously move to the last room in the hall. A scratched, closed door without an outside handle. HEROINE Oh no... Heroine kicks in the door and... There's a note on a teddy beer that says, "WE WENT TO THE SHELTER. LOVE GRANDMA AND CHARLIE." TUFFY They're alive! The shudders SMACK against the wall. INT. ADULTERER'S HOUSE -- DAY Adulterer holds a shattered PICTURE of his wife and two kids. He sighs and puts it down. ADULTERER I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... EXT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- DAY The sun shines bright in the cloudless sky. There is a stiff wind that stirs up the dust. Bartender's car slowly lurches up the street. INT. BARTENDER'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS Heroine and Tuffy skeptically look at the surroundings. HEROINE It's right up there, in the back of the store. EXT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- CONTINUOUS The car pulls up in the back of the store and stops. They get out, looking around. Tuffy holds a machete. Adulterer kneels against his car. HEROINE Where is everyone? ADULTERER I don't know, I just got here. Did you find your girl? HEROINE She's supposed to already be here. TUFFY Your family? Adulterer shakes his head, acknowledging their death. TUFFY I'm sorry. Adulterer sheepishly nods. HEROINE This place is a ghost town. The group makes their way to the store front, peeking beyond the glass doors. ADULTERER (pointing) Look! In the distance, in middle of a dusty parking lot, CHARLIE stands staring at them. HEROINE Charlie? Heroine runs to her and the others follow. Charlie fidgets awkwardly. She cries and blood stains her dress. HEROINE Charlie! As Heroine nears, Adulterer GRABS her arm. ADULTERER Stop! There's something wrong! HEROINE Honey!? The group eyes Charlie, noticing Heroine's locket around her ankle, leading to a slightly ajar manhole cover. Suddenly, the sunlight starts to FADE. They look up the sun. TUFFY Oh god. The MOON moves in front of it -- a SOLAR ECLIPSE. Beast HISSING and FLUTTERING is heard. Heroine looks from left to right, panic stricken. CHARLIE Mommy! The sunlight is fading. The manhole cover shakes, something is holding Charlie in place. Heroine lurches forward, but Adulterer holds her at bay. ADULTERER It's a trap! At a standstill, the group looks around for options. In the distance, the darkness of the eclipse rolls towards them. Adulterer reacts, grabbing Tuffy's machete and lunging for Charlie. The strike cuts the chain at her ankle. The manhole cover POPS off and a Beast claw sinks into Adulterer. The darkness covers the manhole. Momma Beast rises, hoisting Adulterer's blood dripping body from the ground. ADULTERER (gurgling blood) Run!!! Heroine scoops up her child, moving away from Momma Beast. Tuffy grabs them both, leading them back towards the store front. As Adulterer's blood flows, Momma Beast drags him towards her main prey. A blanket of darkness leads Momma Beast, overtaking the survivors. At the store front, Heroine pulls Charlie close. HEROINE (a whisper) I love you... CUT TO BLACK: EXT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- AN HOUR LATER A string of ten WHITE VANS come to a halt in the dusty parking lot. THE MAN IN TAN (45, buzz cut, leathery skin, cool) steps from the lead van and surveys the ravaged small town. A swarm of men emerge from the other vehicles, all dressed alike in work boots, gas masks and coveralls. They go into action honing in on rubble with SENSORS and COUNTERS. THE MAN IN TAN What's the damage radius? TECH (27, horn-rimmed glasses, all business) eyes a laptop. TECH Twenty miles. Red Mountain, surrounding farms, local TV studio. THE MAN IN TAN How many picked up the broadcast? TECH We'll have figures within the hour. The Man in Tan closes his eyes in thought. TECH Sir, what's the spin? THE MAN IN TAN Tornado cluster. TECH This is the California high desert. THE MAN IN TAN Get what you need to sell it. COMPANY MAN (O.S.) Sir, we have movement! The Man in Tan moves to a few men standing over a pool of blood and guts. Using the sensor equipment, the COMPANY MAN follows the blood trail that enters the grocery store. INT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- CONTINUOUS The place is torn to hell. Dust and soot hangs in the air. The men instinctively raise their high-powered rifles, letting the flashlights on the ends lead the way. They follow the trail of blood to a back FREEZER LOCKER. It's scratched, bashed and thrashed. THE MAN IN TAN Open it. Company Man #2 steps forward and uses a metal-cutting chainsaw to cut through the hinges. The door falls with a THUD. As the dust clears, Tuffy, Heroine and Charlie stare back at the men, huddled together in a defensive stance. The Man in Tan creaks his neck. THE MAN IN TAN Gentlemen, help them to safety. Heroine, holding Charlie, lurches back. HEROINE You're not safe, she's still alive, she'll be back... THE MAN IN TAN Relax. We know. We're the calvary. The Man in Tan steps forward, guiding the group out. EXT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- MOMENTS LATER A bulky security truck pulls up. A DRIVER, holding a bloody rag to his nose, gets out and moves to the back door. THE MAN IN TAN What happened to you? The Driver nods to the back of the truck, opening the door. Bozo lurches out, handcuffed and chained. BOZO Get these cuffs off me! I'm a goddamn hero for Christ's sake! A shirtless, irate BOZO sits next to Grandpa and Grandma in the back. He settles at the sight of the others. GRANDMA G'morning. BOZO Thanks for waitin' for me back there, really fuckin' appreciate it! Heroine covers her daughter's ears as the survivors are helped into the truck. Tuffy sits, looking to Bozo. TUFFY How'd you survive? BOZO I found a new weak spot on 'em, but it damn ain't pretty getting to it. Heroine, last in the truck, turns to the men. HEROINE Where are you taking us? THE MAN IN TAN A trauma center. We have doctors waiting. (off Heroine's pause) You're in good hands now. The door shuts on Heroine's concerned face. The Man in Tan locks eyes with the Driver. THE MAN IN TAN Do it quick and spread the mess. The Driver nods back. Sinister implication understood. The Man in Tan lights a cigarette as he watches the truck drive off. The truck's logo reads, "FARM-AID." He inhales. Freeze on him. NAME: THE MAN IN TAN AGE: 45 OCCUPATION: HE CAN'T TELL YOU PURPOSE: TO LAY GROUNDWORK FOR SEQUEL LIFE EXPECTANCY: PRETTY F-ING GOOD The Man in Tan exhales a gust of smoke. FADE OUT: THE END
"FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" by John Hughes "FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" by John Hughes SHOOTING SCRIPT July 24, 1985 "FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" 1 BLACK SCREEN 1 MAIN TITLES IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND. A HOUSEHOLD IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS. KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS. FATHER'S VOICE (TOM) Where's my wallet?! SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD) YOU IDIOT!! TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY) MOM! TODD SHUT-UP! EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE) I NEED A TOWEL!! TOM JOYCE! KIMBERLY (whispers, sadistic) When you turn ten, your head's going to swell up real big like a watermelon and we're going to have to put you to sleep like they do with a dog. TODD MOM! TOM JOYCE!! JEANIE WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!! TOM Where's Mom? TODD Is my head going to swell up? TOM What?! JEANIE OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!! MOTHER (JOYCE) (screams) TOM! The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP. TODD What's that? KIMBERLY Wait! Hold still! TODD What?! KIMBERLY You heads starting to swell up!! Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the hallway. A door open. TOM (breathless) What's the matter? JOYCE (worried) It's Ferris! TOM What's wrong? JOYCE (snaps) What's wrong? For Christ's sake! Look at him! 2 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 2 An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA. His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side. 3 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 3 Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties. Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed for work. TOM Ferris? JOYCE He doesn't have a fever. But he says his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots. 4 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 4 His lifeless eyes blink. 5 INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS 5 Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead. TOM What's the matter, Ferris? JOYCE Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy. Tom takes one of Ferris' hands. TOM (discreetly) Should you call the doctor? JOYCE (whispers) He doesn't want me to. TOM Why don't you want Mom to call the doctor? Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can manage is a choked gasp. TOM What? Ferris tries again. FERRIS (raspy) Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up. He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down. FERRIS I have a test today. I have to take it. I want to get into a good college so I can have a fruitful life... JOYCE You're not going to school like this. (to Tom) Maybe I should call the office and tell them I won't be in. FERRIS I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God! He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes. His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill. JEAN Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem? JOYCE He doesn't feel well. JEAN Yeah, right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize the lawn. TOM That's enough, Jeanie. JEANIE You're not falling for this, are you? Tell me you're not falling for this. FERRIS Is that Jeanie? I can't see that far. Jeanie? JEANIE Pucker up and squat, Ferris. JOYCE (annoyed) Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school. JEANIE (angry, defeated) You're really letting him stay home? I can't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. It's so unfair. FERRIS Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie. Be thankful that you're fit and have your health. Cherish it. JEANIE (to herself) Oh, I wanna puke. She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister, KIMBERLY peek into the room. KIMBERLY Myocardial infarction? JOYCE Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right down. KIMBERLY Syphilitic meningitus? That would be a huge family embarrassment. TOM Get downstairs! KIMBERLY If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo. She turns sharply and exits. TODD (worried) Dad? Does my head look alright? JOYCE Get downstairs! Now! TODD Just answer me one question! Is it swelling up? Kim said it was going to get as big as... KIMBERLY (OC) A WATERMELON! TODD (yells out the room) Shut-up! JOYCE Get downstairs! NOW! Todd backs out of the room. FERRIS I'll be okay. I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll have an aspirin around noon. JOYCE (to Ferris) I'm showing houses to the family from California today but I'll be in the area. My office'll know where I am, if you need me. TOM I'll check it with you, too. FERRIS It's nice to know I have such loving, caring parents. You're both very special people. 6 CU. FERRIS 6 He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids. 7 INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE 7 She strokes Ferris' hair. JOYCE I hope you feel better, pumpkin. She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his shoulder. TOM Get some rest. 8 CU. FERRIS 8 Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents to the door. JOYCE (OC) We love you, sweetie. TOM (OC) Call if you need us. They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across his lips. FERRIS They bought it. The MTV theme music ROARS IN. 9 CU. TV SCREEN 9 The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing. 10 INT. BEDROOM 10 Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight. FERRIS Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. (looks out the window) What a beautiful day! He turns from the window. FERRIS Parents always fall for the clammy hands. It's physical evidence of illness. It's a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are generally pretty hip to the fever scams. And to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school. He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV broadcast. A NEW SONG begins. FERRIS Fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so if high school. Right? He equalizes the sound a little. FERRIS This is my ninth sick day with semester. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely must make this one count. He exits into the hallway. 11 INT. BATHROOM 11 Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with Jean's debris. He turns on the shower water. FERRIS I don't care if you're fifty five or seven, everybody needs a day off now and then. It's a beautiful day. How can I be expected to handle high school? He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops up. FERRIS I do actually have a test. That wasn't bullshit. He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the shower door we see Ferris' outline. FERRIS That I care about it was. 12 INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL. 12 Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up. It's moulded into a fin with shampoo. FERRIS It's on European socialism. I mean, really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a shit if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. He turns the shower head around and uses it like a microphone. FERRIS (sings) WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY, TWIST AND SHOUT... 13 INT. HALLWAY. LATER 13 Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different color. FERRIS Not that I condone fascism. Or and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. John Lennon said it on his first solo album. "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. Afterall, he was the Walrus. He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it. FERRIS I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people. He passes CAMERA and goes into his room. FERRIS (OC) I'm not very political? Let me put that into perspective... 14 INT. BEDROOM 14 Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed. FERRIS My uncle went to Canada to protest the war, right? On the Fourth of July he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my Dad he felt guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam. So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle Jeff? In wartime you want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. It took you twenty years to find out you don't believe in anything?" (snaps his fingers) Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks. (pause) Be careful when you deal with old hippies. They can be real touchy. He opens his door. 15 INT. CLOSET 15 The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts. FERRIS My mother was a hippie. But she lost it. She got old. If she listens to the White Album now? She doesn't hear music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is her favorite drug. It'll probably be mine, too. I hope not. He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and puts it on. He drops the towel. 16 INT. BEDROOM 16 He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the top of the dresser. He picks it up. FERRIS In eighth grade a friend of mine made a bong out of one of these. The smoke tasted like glue. He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he speaks. FERRIS His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I like him. I'm probably his only friend. I do what I can for him. I mean, if I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others, right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station. His father's dead and his sister's rumored to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit. She only puts out so people will hang out with her. It's sad but I don't hold it against her. Better to hold it against the guys who use her and don't care about her. (pause) My parents never allowed Garth over here. It was because of his family. Mainly his older brother. He's in jail. I could see them not wanting his brother here because he is a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here. I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of artificial fruit just so he could see what it was like to have his stomach pumped. But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights with the parents on that point. I always felt for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once and I was laying on the dark worrying that his brother was going to come in and hack me to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". ... Nothing was wrong. There was no specific thing he was crying about. In fact, he wasn't really even aware that he was crying. He just cried himself to sleep every night. It was a habit. The guy's so conditioned to grief that if he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How could you possibly dump on guy who has to deal with that kinda shit? My parents acknowledge the trudge of the situation and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel for him but still the guy's banned from our house. He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his speech as he disrobes. FERRIS Unfortunately, now my parents have a legit argument. Garth doesn't need his brother to give him a rep anymore. He's getting one on his own. He's lost. It's over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from school. Gone from life. His legacy is a gas station. 17 INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE 17 Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely different outfit. FERRIS One very serious danger is playing sick is that it's possible to believe your own act. 18 INT. KITCHEN 18 Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the refrigerator. FERRIS That and boredom. Alot of people ditch and feel great for about an hour. Then they realize there's nothing to do. TV and food. I myself have ditched and gotten so bored I did homework. Figure that shit out. He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice. FERRIS You have to plan things out before you take the day off. Otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy. He crosses to the pantry. FERRIS You blow your day and at about three o'clock, when everybody's out of school, you're going to wish you'd gone to school so you could be out having fun. He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos. FERRIS Avoid the misery. Plan your day. Do it right. 19 INT. FAMILY ROOM 19 Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair. FERRIS There's alot of pressure at work in my age group. And it's not always recognized. He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in his lap. FERRIS Some guy whose hair is falling out and his stomach's hanging over his belt and everything he eats makes him fart, he looks at someone like me and thinks, "This kid's young and strong and has a full, rich future ahead of him, what's he got to bitch about?" 20 CU. PHONE 20 He punches out a number. 21 INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 21 He remote controls the TV on. FERRIS That's just one reason why I need a day off every now and then. 22 EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE 22 A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER. 23 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 23 It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words. CAMERON Food...shelter...no...yes... The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker phone button. CAMERON (weak) Hello? FERRIS' VOICE Cameron! What's happening? CAMERON Very little. FERRIS' VOICE How do you feel? CAMERON Shredded. FERRIS' VOICE Is your mother in the room? Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth. CAMERON She's not home. Where are you? FERRIS' VOICE Home. 24 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 24 Ferris is sprawled out in the chair. FERRIS I'm taking the day off. Get dressed and come over. CAMERON'S VOICE I can't. I'm sick. FERRIS It's all in your head. Come on over. 25 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 25 Cameron's insistant. CAMERON I feel like complete shit, Ferris. I can't go anywhere. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come on over and pick me up. Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone. CAMERON I'm dying. The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button. FERRIS' VOICE You're not dying. You just can't think of anything good to do. 26 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM 26 Ferris hangs up. FERRIS If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has alot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. I've come close myself. But I like him. He's a little easier to take when you know why he's like he is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon by French but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. (after-thought) And Cameron would worry that he'd owe taxes on it. 27 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 27 We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A shoe's POV. TEACHER'S VOICE Albers? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Anderson. GIRL'S VOICE Here. CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine loafers... TEACHER'S VOICE Anheiser? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Busch? GIRL'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that it's empty. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? GIRL'S VOICE He's sick. (pause) My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. TEACHER'S VOICE (weary) Thank you, Simone. GIRL'S VOICE (cheery) No problem whatsoever. TEACHER'S VOICE Drucker? BOY'S VOICE What? WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD. 28 CU. TV 28 THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase at the end. INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve. CU. TV Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve. He gives it a twist. CU. FERRIS He throws himself back against the chair. CU. TV The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws Humongous back in his seat. CU. FERRIS He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high speed ride. CU. TV The was wagon hurtles down the road. CU. FERRIS He rears back in horror. CU. TV The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the tanker truck. CU. FERRIS Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision. CU. TV IMPACT! MOZART COMES UP. 29 CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH 29 Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch. Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen. Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is sitting on her bed going through a purse. FERRIS This is really degrading. He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill. FERRIS Financing my activities this way. Very damaging to the self-image. But, hey, I'm broke. In times of crisis one must to what one must to. I'll pay it back. With interest. He comes up with a five. FERRIS Regardless of how much shit sisters make you eat, how often they rat on you, how gross they act or how wicked and insensitive they can be, you should not alientate them. Because most likely they have cash and it's usually very easy to get your hands on. He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY" COMES UP. 30 INT. LIVING ROOM 30 The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions. CU. SOFA Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice. 31 INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM 31 Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another crumpled bill surfaces. 32 CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP 32 A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops them up. 33 CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET 33 An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing. 34 CU. KITCHEN DRAWER 34 Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a dollar bill. 35 CU. COIN COLLECTION 35 The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the quarters are being popped out of their slots. 36 CU. VACCUUM CLEANER 36 The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth. 37 CU. SNOOPY BANK 37 It's being shaken furiously. 38 CU. BIRTHDAY CARD 38 It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp, new five. 39 INT. HALL CLOSET 39 The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door. 40 CU. FLOOR AND BED 40 Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed. 41 CU. BANK 41 It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally, a five dollar bill. 42 INT. KITCHEN 42 Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table. 43 CU. TABLE LEG 43 Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used to balance the table. 44 INT. KITCHEN 44 Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter. 45 CU. FERRIS' BED 45 A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The SONG ENDS. 46 EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING 46 A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town. 47 INT. OFFICE 47 Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN. They're also real estate agents. JOYCE No one's going to consider a house with a black living room. Not even those jerks from Vermont. Let's be realistic. AGENT 1 Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against putting any money into the house. Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call. JOYCE Joyce Bueller. Her eyes open wide with alarm. JOYCE Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to call. 48 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL 48 A modern, suburban high school. MAN'S VOICE Are you aware that your son is not in school today? 49 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 49 It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students. JOYCE'S VOICE Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I had a meeting first thing this morning. I should have called. It completely slipped my mind. 50 INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 50 A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside the office. DEAN'S VOICE Are you also aware that Ferris does not have what we consider an exemplary attendance record? 51 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN 51 It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAD OF STUDENTS. The dean's feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced dress shoes. JOYCE'S VOICE I don't understand. DEAN'S VOICE I just had his file up. INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point of arrogance. ROONEY I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller. Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from the desk and turns in his swivel chair. ROONEY If Ferris thinks he coast this last month and still graduate, he's sorely mistaken. JOYCE'S VOICE This is all news to me. CU. COMPUTER MONITOR The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records. ROONEY'S VOICE So far this semester alone, he's been absent nine times. Including today. JOYCE'S VOICE Nine times? Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a number 2. INT. OFFICE Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen. ROONEY I have it right here in front of me. He's missed... He looks closer at the screen. 52 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 52 Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up on the screen. FERRIS I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign? 53 INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE 53 She's still on the phone with Rooney. JOYCE I can give you every assurance that Ferris is home and that he is, in fact, very ill. I debated whether or not I should even leave him. I can appreciate that at this time of year children are prone to taking the day off, but in Ferris' case, he's truly a very sick boy. 54 INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM 54 MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR. CU. SPEAKER The grille cloth is throbbing. CU. LED METERS The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone. CU. TV MONITOR We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck. He's playing. CU. VIDEO CAMERA A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape. 55 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 55 He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He sighs deeply and fall back on the bed. 56 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 56 Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A GIRLFRIEND comes up to her. GIRL I'm really sorry about your brother. JEANIE What're you sorry for? I have to live with the trouser snake. GIRL No, I mean I heard he's really sick. JEANIE Who said he's sick. GIRL A whole bunch of people. They said he's like on the verge of death. Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl. GIRL This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's really sweet isn't he? She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment. She kicks her locker shut. 57 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 57 He's in bed on the phone. FERRIS A sample of my blood was sent to Atlanta to the Center for Disease Control. I don't know, man, I'm bricking heavily. (point to the phone) Freshman. (to the phone) Did you see Alien? When the guy had the creature in his stomach? It feels like that. 58 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 58 A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news. BOY Goddamn! Are you kidding? SECOND BOY What? BOY Did you see Alien? SECOND BOY No. BOY You never rented the video cassette? Second boy shakes his head, no. BOY Oh. He's really wasted. THIRD BOY (to the Second Boy) Who's he talking to? SECOND BOY Ferris Bueller. You know him? THIRD BOY (excited) Yeah. He's getting me out of summer school. BOY Anyway, I appreciate you letting us know how you're doing. We gotta split. (pause) Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on. SECOND BOY (to Third Boy) Shit. I hope he doesn't die. I can't handle summer school. The boy snatches a passing GIRL. BOY Did you see Alien? GIRL Yeah, why? He hands her the phone. GIRL Hello? (pause) Who? (pause) Hi, Ferris. How's your bod? (jaw drops) Oh, my God! You're dying? Is it serious? (pause) Shiit! Are you upset? 59 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 59 Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder. ROONEY I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him! SECRETARY With your bad knee, you better not throw anybody, Ed. Rooney stares at her for a long beat. ROONEY What's so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is that he gives the good kids bad ideas. The last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. SECRETARY He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, they all adore him. ROONEY That's exactly why I have to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere. SECRETARY (impressed) Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just now. Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile. ROONEY Really? He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint. 60 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 60 It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives past the house. 61 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 61 He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude. FERRIS Cameron, if you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. I'm serious, man. This is bullshit, making me wait around the house for you. 62 INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM 62 Cameron's back in bed. CAMERON I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't you leave me alone? FERRIS' VOICE You're not up for some good times? It's a beautiful day. It's almost summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be surfing. 63 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 63 He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness. FERRIS You want to stay home and try to have the shits? Try to barf? Try to feel worse? CAMERON'S VOICE I don't have to try. FERRIS Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol and get dressed. You're boring me with this stuff. The other phone line rings. FERRIS Squeeze you buns for a second. I got another call. He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath. FERRIS H--hell-o? 64 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN 64 A LaSalle Street office tower. TOM'S VOICE Ferris? 65 INT. TOM'S OFFICE 65 He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman Miller desk and chair. TOM You sound miserable. FERRIS' VOICE Really? Darn! I thought I was improving. TOM Were you sleeping? FERRIS' VOICE I was trying to do some homework. 66 CU. COMPUTER MONITOR 66 A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making. FERRIS (OC) I'm so worried about falling behind. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke. FERRIS Dad? Can you hold on a second? TOM'S VOICE Sure, pal. Are you alright? FERRIS Just a little phlegm on the phone. Hold on. He puts his father on hold. FERRIS Cameron? It's my Dad. CAMERON'S VOICE Oh, that's just great. Are you busted? FERRIS It's completely cool. He's just checking up on me. Now, listen to me. I'm working on getting some heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you can do is hurry up and get over here. Bye. He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to his sick voice. FERRIS Sorry, Dad. The moment before you called, I had a chest spasm and I blew lung fluid all over the place. It was making me ill looking at it. But gee, it's sure great of you to call. I'm sure there're alot of fathers who wouldn't take time out from their busy schedules to call a dumb, sick teenager. TOM'S VOICE Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do? Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The screen dumps the drawing. FERRIS Give yourself some credit, Dad. It was a mammoth gesture. It's like those savings bonds you used to give me every Christmas. (looks at CAMERA and smiles) It was that kind of concern. CU. COMPUTER SCREEN A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA". INT. FERRIS' ROOM He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the desk. He lights a cigarette. FERRIS You had to work hard for the money to buy those things, right? TOM'S VOICE Not any harder than anybody else. Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them. 67 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN 67 Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard. Pedestrians stop to look. 68 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 68 He blows a smoke ring. FERRIS You work so hard I'll bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right? Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father. TOM'S VOICE Wrong. He nods. FERRIS Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're just trying to cheer me up. TOM'S VOICE Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox in my closet. Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what he wants. FERRIS (to CAMERA, normal voice) Was that a class move or what? The guy gave it up faster than a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my kids don't pull this shit on me. (thinks) Of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and I'd have to support them until I die. I take it back. (to the phone, sick voice) Dad? All this talking has made me kind of light-headed. I think I better lie down. TOM'S VOICE Okay, pal. You take care. I'll call you after lunch. FERRIS You don't have to, Dad. TOM'S VOICE I want to. Bye now. He hangs up. Ferris sighs. FERRIS You win some, you lose some. He turns his desk chair around and gets up. FERRIS I'm so disappointed in Cameron. Twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out. 69 INT. CAR. CAMERON 69 He's sitting behind the wheel of his car. CAMERON We're gonna get caught. No doubt about it. He cuts the engine. CAMERON I'm not doing it. He sits for half a beat. CAMERON He'll keep calling until I come over. He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat. CAMERON Actually, what'll happen is I'll get caught. Ferris'll escape. Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC. 70 CU. DRESSER DRAWER 70 Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for the pictorials as he speaks. FERRIS Cameron'll go on like that for a good thirty minutes. The guy is a shellfish when it comes to making a decision. The reason he doesn't fell good is, he worries about everything. He's the only guy I know who's deeply concerned that when he grows up there'll be a critical shortage of strategic metals. He exits the room. 71 INT. HALLWAY 71 Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway. FERRIS Cameron's also the only guy I know who knows what strategic metals are. (waves the magazine) Pardon moi. He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM DOWN. FERRIS (sings) MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED... 72 INT. CLASSROOM. LATER 72 A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture. TEACHER Roosevelt's health had seriously deteriorated by the time he met with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta. (sneezes) Pardon me. The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear. SLOANE She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously. INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks at the kids. NURSE Sloane Peterson? SLOANE Sits up in her seat. NURSE She's a picture of compassion and understanding. NURSE May I see you outside for a moment? There's been an emergency. SLOANE A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she looks to the GIRL next to her. SLOANE (whispers) Dead grandmother. 73 INT. HALLWAY 73 The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand. NURSE (nods solemnly) Dead grandmother. 74 CU. ROONEY 74 He has a suspicious look on his face. ROONEY Dead grandmother? INT. DEAN'S OFFICE Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from him. SECRETARY That's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane. ROONEY Who's this girl's going with? SECRETARY It's so hard to tell. I see her alot with Ferris Bueller. Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed. ROONEY Could you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number? As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone rings. She stops and answers the desk phone. SECRETARY Edward Rooney's office. (pause) Yes. Can you hold? Thank you. She puts the call on hold. SECRETARY It's Mr. Peterson. Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for the phone. SECRETARY Do you still want his number? Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and backs out. He punches the phone button. ROONEY Ed Rooney. MAN'S VOICE Ed? This is George Peterson. ROONEY How are you today, sir? MAN'S VOICE We've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr. Peterson. ROONEY I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to release Sloane. You produce a corpse and I'll release Sloane. I want to see this dead grandmother firsthand. The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney in horror. He covers the phone. ROONEY (whispers) It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let his walk right into it! (to phone) That's right. Cart the stiff in and I'll turn over your daughter. It's school policy. Was this your mother? Rooney's other line rings. 75 INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE 75 She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other line. SECRETARY Ed Rooney's office. Her jaw drops. SECRETARY Hold, please. She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into Rooney's office. 76 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 76 Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line. ROONEY I'll tell you want, you don't like my policies, you can just come on down and smooch by big old ugly ass. You hear me? The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously. Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her foot. Rooney covers the phone. ROONEY What!? SECRETARY Ferris Bueller's on line two. CU. ROONEY'S FOOT It freezes in mid-tap. CU. ROONEY'S HAND The pencils falls from his fingers. CU. ROONEY'S FACE A mask of horror. He glances at the phone. CU. PHONE The second line light is flashing. CU. ROONEY He blinks, cocks his head, twitches. 77 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 77 He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he used on his father. FERRIS Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb you at work but I was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I may need. 78 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 78 He's staring blankly ahead. FERRIS' VOICE Thank you, sir. He nods. CU. PHONE Rooney's finger gingerly presses the button on the waiting call. CU. ROONEY He winces as he returns to the first call. 79 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. KITCHEN 79 Cameron's on the phone in the kitchen. He's doing a deep, phoney "father" voice. CAMERON You oughta be sorry for Christ's sake! A family member dies and you insult me. What's the matter with you, anyway? 80 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 80 He apologies profusely to Cameron. He's perspiring, trembling. ROONEY I don't know. I thought you were someone else. You have to know, sir, that I would never deliberately insult you. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am. CAMERON'S VOICE Pardon my French but you're an asshole! Rooney nods enthusiastically. ROONEY Absolutely! I most certainly am. 81 INT. KITCHEN 81 Cameron lays into Rooney. CAMERON This isn't over yet, buster. You just make sure my daughter's out in front of the school in ten minutes. Do you read me? ROONEY'S VOICE Load and clear, Mr. Peterson. CAMERON Call me sir, goddamn it! ROONEY'S VOICE Sir. CAMERON That's better. Ferris strolls into the kitchen to catch the last of the conversation. Cameron covers the phone. CAMERON (to Ferris) I'm scared shitless, Ferris! What is Rooney guesses my voice! FERRIS Impossible. You're doing great. Cameron sighs and goes back to the phone. CAMERON (clears his throat) I don't have all day to bark at you so I'll make this short and sweet. Ferris gives Cameron an enthusiastic thumbs up. FERRIS (mouths) Great! Cameron smiles proudly. CAMERON I want my daughter out in front of the school in ten minutes. By herself. I don's want anyone around... Ferris smacks Cameron. He's said the wrong thing. He covers the phone. CAMERON What'd I do? FERRIS Out in front my herself? It's too suspicious! He'll think something's up, moron. Cover it. Cameron panics. He holds the phone out to Ferris. CAMERON You do it! Ferris waves his arms angrily. FERRIS Talk! Cameron takes a deep breath. He clears his throat and puts on his father's voice. CAMERON I changed my mind, fella. You be out in front with her! I wanna have a few words with you! Ferris slaps Cameron. The phone flies out of his hand. 82 CU. ROONEY 82 He winces as the phone hits the floor with a loud CLONK! We HEAR THE BOYS SCRAMBLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE, THEN CAMERON CLEARING HIS THROAT. CAMERON'S VOICE On second thought, I don't have time to talk to you. We'll get together soon and have lunch. We HEAR A SLAP AND THE CALL DISCONNECTS. 83 INT. FERRIS' KITCHEN 83 Cameron's rubbing the side of his head. CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me? FERRIS Where's your brain? CAMERON I asked you first. FERRIS How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney's going to be there with her?! CAMERON I said for her to be there alone and you freaked! FERRIS My, God, you're so stupid! (aside) I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped you. CAMERON You hit me. Look, don't ask me to participate in your crap if you don't like the way I do it! Ferris is incredulous at Cameron's stupidity. Cameron's anger is intensified by his embarrassment. CAMERON I was home, sick. You get me out of bed, being me over here, make me jeopardize my future, make me do a phoney phone call on a dean of students, a man who could squeeze my nuts into oblivion and then you deliberately hurt my feelings. FERRIS I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings. CAMERON Oh, really? FERRIS Yeah, really. Cameron glares at Ferris. CAMERON Hey, Ferris? Have a nice life. He turns and heads out of the room. Ferris sighs. FERRIS Cameron? CAMERON Stick it up your ass, Ferris. FERRIS Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jam you. It was uncalled for. Cameron stops. CAMERON You're serious? He turns around. FERRIS Dead serious. Cameron smiles. He appreciates Ferris apology. CAMERON Thanks. FERRIS You did screw up through, right? Not that is was necessarily all you fault. Right? CAMERON (suspiciously) Why? FERRIS To fix this situation, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor. Cameron's jaw drops. 84 INT. GARAGE 84 The door opens slowly, dramatically as we hear a heraldic fanfare. Light streams in to reveal Cameron and Ferris looking at the car. Ferris is smiling with excitement and awe. Cameron is frowning with trepidation and fear. CU. FERRARI STALLION The prancing black stallion. We move up from the stallion to the erotic red hood of a 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. CAMERON AND FERRIS Cameron's face is ashen. The end of the world is at hand. Ferris is in heaven. CAMERON (grim monotone) 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. Less than a hundred were made. It has a market value of $265,000. My father spent three years restoring it. It is joy, it is his love, it is his passion. FERRIS It is his fault he didn't lock the garage. CAMERON Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself. We can't take is out. FERRIS A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile. CAMERON He never drives it, Ferris. He just rubs it with a diaper. FERRIS We can't pick up Sloane in your car, Cameron. Rooney'd never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit. CAMERON It's not a piece of shit. FERRIS It's a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours. Look, I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do. CAMERON He knows the mileage, Ferris. He has it tatooed on his wrist. FERRIS He doesn't trust you? CAMERON No. FERRIS Alright, look, this is real simple. He puts his arm around Cameron. FERRIS Whatever miles we put on it, we'll take off. CAMERON (suspicious) How? FERRIS (big, proud smile) We'll drive home backwards. Cameron shakes his head, no. CAMERON Forget it. I'm putting my foot down, Ferris. You'll have to think of something else... CU. FERRARI GRILLE Cameron's protests are drowned out by the distinctive roar of the twelve cylinders. CAMERON'S VOICE ...You're not talking me into this one. I have to live with the man. I'm sorry but... The roar of the engine is overtaken by the sound of a crowded school hallway. 85 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 85 She comes out of a classroom. She stops as Sloane and Rooney walk past. Sloane has her coat on and she's carrying her books. Jeanie watches her suspiciously. 86 EXT. SCHOOL 86 The Ferrari is parked out in front. The top is down. 87 INT. FERRARI 87 Ferris is driving. He's wearing a man's hat and sunglasses. Cameron's in the back. CAMERON Are you crazy?! Put the top back up! FERRIS This is perfect top-down weather. CAMERON What about Rooney? FERRIS Cameron, the more obvious we are, the less likely we are to get caught. CAMERON That makes no sense whatsoever. FERRIS The adult mind is a suspicious machine. (look around at Cameron) Stay down, man. Cameron squeezes himself lower. CAMERON Howcome it's my Dad's car and I'm taking all the risk and I have to ride back here? FERRIS I don't have an explanation. 88 EXT. SCHOOL 88 Rooney and Sloane come out the door. ROONEY Once again let me say how deeply saddened I am by your loss. SLOANE Huh? ROONEY Were you close to your grandmother? SLOANE Oh. Um. Yeah. Very. She was a terrific lady. Very hip. Very old. Yeah. DEEP VOICE Oh, Sloane! Dear! Sloane looks across at the Ferrari. Rooney looks. THEIR POV Ferris is looking out across the roof of the Ferrari. He's careful to keep his nose and mouth below the roofline. FERRIS Hurry along now! EXT. SCHOOL Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty farewell. SLOANE I guess that's my Dad. Thanks. See ya. She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does compute for him. 89 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 89 She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away. 90 EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY 90 He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him. 91 INT. FERRARI 91 Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console and gives Ferris a kiss. SLOANE This is so great! I can't believe it! Right in front of Rooney! She laughs and turns to Cameron. SLOANE Hi, Cameron. You comfortable? CAMERON Hi. No. SLOANE What a fabulous car! CAMERON Enjoy it quick. It' s going home. FERRIS It was risky, it was bold but it was totally necessary. SLOANE What're we gonna do? FERRIS The question isn't "what are we gonna do", the question is "what aren't we going to do." CAMERON Don't tell me we're not going to take the car home. Please. FERRIS (to CAMERA) If you had access to a car like this would you take it back right away? Would you give up feeling like a ton just to ease your best friend's tension? He smiles. FERRIS Either would I. 92 EXT. STREET. FERRARI 92 It accelerates away like a shot. 93 EXT. SUBURBAN BANK 93 A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53. The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot. 94 INT. BANK. DOORS 94 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom. Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an open teller window. INT. BANK. TELLER A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees Ferris. TELLER Ferris Bueller? FERRIS He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches. FERRIS Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you? TELLER She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the hair and smiles at it's reappearance. TELLER I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so I'm a little pooped but other than that, I'm as chipper as can be. (something occurs to her) Say, should you be in school? FERRIS He lays his savings bonds on the counter. FERRIS Me? (polite laugh) I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling. In fact. I'm married. This is my wife...Madonna. Sloane suppresses a laugh. FERRIS (to Cameron) And this is my brother-in-law, ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling. Cameron isn't amused. TELLER (to Cameron) Is Top a Slavic name? CAMERON Yeah. FERRIS I'd like to cash these in, please. We're having a baby and we need the cash for a crib, clothes, diapers, food pellets, leash, water dish... INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line drive. TELLER A baby! (to Sloane) You must be so excited. Cameron groans and turns away from the sham. SLOANE I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially looking forward to wearing those jeans with the stretch panel in front. Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds. TELLER Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? SLOANE Actually, we're hoping for a car. CU. CAMERON He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again. HIS POV Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored, sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers. CU. CAMERON It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder. CAMERON Shit... INT. BANK. JOYCE Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm. INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds. TELLER These bonds aren't mature. If you hold onto them another two years you'll get an additional four dollars... FERRIS I'm aware of that. TELLER You're throwing away four dollars. FERRIS No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the government. They need it. Do you know what an aircraft carrier's going for these days? INT. BANK. JOYCE She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out. INT. BANK. DOOR Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce. JOYCE Mrs. Froeling, how are you? MRS. FROELING I passed a kidney stone Tuesday. (shifts gears, to Joyce) Say, you must be very proud. Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about. MRS. FROELING (whispers) I met Madonna. She pats Joyce on the arm. MRS. FROELING She told me everything. Keep me posted, I'll want to send a gift. She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are completely baffled. 95 EXT. BANK 95 Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking lot. JOYCE My son's home sick today. If you wouldn't mind, on our way back to the office, I'd like to just run in and check up on him. We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car. MOTHER Of course. They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look on proudly. 96 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 96 His secretary is dialing a number for him. SECRETARY This is the Peterson's home. She hands the phone to Rooney. SECRETARY Watch your mouth this time. Rooney glares at her. ROONEY Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's no doubt in my mind. That's what I was saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped. He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing now. See? The secretary nods. SECRETARY And her grandmother, too. 97 CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE 97 It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an awful lot like Sloane. SLOANE We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a death in the family. If you need to reach us we'll be at the following number... 98 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 98 Rooney quickly takes down a number. 99 EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE 99 His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice. CAMERON'S VOICE You have reached the Coughlin Bros. Mortuary. We are unable to come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number... 100 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 100 Rooney hangs up the phone. ROONEY Something's going on, goddamn it. The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk. She's not listening to him. SECRETARY There's a railroad strike. ROONEY And I'm going to stop it! SECRETARY My brother-in-law'll appreciate it. Rooney looks at her, puzzled. ROONEY What? SECRETARY My brother-in-law rides the train to work. Rooney stares at her like she's crazy. ROONEY Who gives a good goddamn? 101 EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY 101 The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil Building. 102 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 102 Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with a Coke can. KID Yo. We're collecting money to buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney. Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions her brother's scan has reached. KID They run about fifty g's so it you could help out... JEANIE Go piss up a flagpole! KID Huh? She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall. The kid yells after her. KID Hey, babe! Some day you might need a favor from Ferris Bueller! Then where'll you be?! He reaches for the can. KID Heartless wench... 103 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE 103 The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage. EXT. GARAGE Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits. CAMERON We can't leave the car here! FERRIS Why not? CAMERON Because we can't! I want it back home where it belongs! SLOANE What could happen to it? CAMERON It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched, you name it. FERRIS I'll give the guy a five to watch it. CAMERON What guy? CU. PARKING ATTENDANT He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee. EXT. PARKING LOT The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a give. FERRIS You speak English? ATTENDANT Since I was three. FERRIS Great. I want to you take extra special care of this vehicle, okay? He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles. ATTENDANT Like it's a beautiful woman. FERRIS I appreciate it. The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine. FERRIS See what a finski can do to a person's attitude? He's going to treat it like a beautiful woman. CAMERON Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick and piss on the hood. SLOANE Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to be so graphic? She heads down the street. SLOANE This is so right! Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side. He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads. He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris and Cameron. 104 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 104 Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up the house. 105 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 105 It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet door to the door to the room itself. INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we hear a door open and close. 106 INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY 106 Joyce quietly walks up the stairs. 107 INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY 107 Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING. CU. DOORKNOB Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a crack. HER POV The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves. CU. JOYCE She smiles and closes the door. 108 INT. ROOM. CLOSET 108 The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's original position. CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring. The snoring it simulated. 109 INT. HALLWAY 109 Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with relief and affection. 110 EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER 110 HELICOPTER SHOT moves in on the world's tallest building. As it passes we see three figures pressed against the windows. FERRIS (VO) This is the world's tallest building. From our vantage point here on the 103 floor, we are provided with a view of four states. CAMERON (VO) Do you think the car's alright? FERRIS (VO) Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and my personal favorite, Indiana. 111 INT. SEARS TOWER OBSERVATION DECK 111 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are standing against the window. CAMERON I don't feel good, Ferris. Are we gonna stay long? FERRIS Take a step back... Ferris steps back. Sloane and Cameron follow suit. FERRIS Now, lean against the glass. Like this... He leans forward, putting all his weight on his forehead. FERRIS And look down. Sloane leans forward. Cameron follows, reluctantly. SLOANE Oh, shit! HER POV The street far, far below. A dizzying view. INT. OBSERVATION DECK The three are leaning against the glass. SLOANE What if the glass gives? FERRIS Death. SLOANE Cool. CU. CAMERON He's looking down. CAMERON I think I see my Dad. 112 EXT. STREET LEVEL 112 A middle-aged man, Cameron's father, HORACE FRYE, is standing on the street corner. He's lean, clean, tough and humorless. He's wearing a puzzled look on his face. CAMERON'S FATHER I think I see my car. HIS POV The Ferrari screams down the avenue and disappears down the underground ramp. 113 INT. SEARS TOWER LOBBY 113 Ferris and Sloane bound down the escalator. Cameron follows glumly. They dance past the giant Calder mobile. They're singing. FERRIS AND SLOANE I BEEN ALL 'ROUND THIS GREAT BIG WORLD AND I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF GIRLS YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET BACK IN THE STATES BACK TO THE CUTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA 114 EXT. STREET 114 Ferris and Sloane burst out the doors garnering the annoyed stares of the business people busily going in and out of the building. Cameron politely waits his turn to exit. Ferris and Sloane head down the street. Cameron follows. FERRIS AND SLOANE I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS! 115 EXT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE 115 Giant old monolith. 116 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING ROOM 116 Traders are frantically buying and selling commodities. 117 INT. GALLERY 117 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the gallery watching the proceedings. SLOANE Do you love me? FERRIS Do you love me? SLOANE I asked you first. FERRIS Yes. You? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I trash a day of education to be with you if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I risk damaging a deep and wonderfully enriching relationship with my parents if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I have introduced you as my wife if I didn't love you? SLOANE Wait a minute. That was a lie. FERRIS True. Ferris puts his arm around Sloane. FERRIS Would you want to get married? I mean if I wasn't an asshole. SLOANE Sure. FERRIS (serious) Today? Sloane stares at him. Is he serious. FERRIS I'm game. SLOANE No way! FERRIS I'll do it, if you will. Cameron suddenly adds his two cents. CAMERON You need a blood test. Ferris looks around at him. FERRIS Huh? CAMERON If your blood's not compatible, you could produce a pinhead. The state requires a blood test. FERRIS So? CAMERON So, you can't get married today. FERRIS Tomorrow? CAMERON If you get a blood test today. SLOANE I'm not getting married. CAMERON I'm with you, babe. FERRIS Why not? SLOANE What do you mean, why not? Think about it. FERRIS Besides being too young and your father hating my guts and not having any place to live and feeling awkward about being the only cheer- leader with a husband, give me a good reason why not. CAMERON I'll give you two. My mother and father. Ferris and Sloane look at him curiously. CAMERON They're married and they hate each other. (to Ferris) You've seen them. Am I right? FERRIS You're father's a toad and your Mom's always wired out, but so what? They're old. That's natural. CAMERON It makes me puke. Seeing people treat each other like that. It's like the car. He loves the car. He hates his wife. SLOANE My parents are divorced. So what? It's not like it doesn't happen ten thousand times a day. CAMERON Just because it happens doesn't make it right. Are you comfortable with it? SLOANE No. It's not something I can get comfortable with. I've tried. Are yours divorced? CAMERON They may as well be. SLOANE Do you think they're staying together because of you? Cameron hasn't seen it that way. He shrugs. SLOANE Do they like you? It hasn't occured to Cameron that his parents might not like him. That parental love might not be a given. CAMERON Yeah. Sure. SLOANE Consider this...my father canned me and my brother and my Mom for a twenty five year old dipso with fake tits. He dropped us like a rock. Everything was cool at our house. I thought so. We all thought so. Then BLAM! It's over. FERRIS (to CAMERA) This is all news to me. She keeps a pretty good secret. SLOANE (to Cameron) It was pure selfishness. When I have a kid, I don't care how much I want something, if it's gonna screw-up the kid, forget it. FERRIS (to CAMERA) She's not lying. CAMERON You could change. SLOANE Yeah. But I'm gonna try not to. I'm gonna think about it. I'm gonna try to prevent it. FERRIS This is optomism. It's a common trait with my age group. Adults think it's cute, it's like a charming quick that infests youth. But it's a cool thing and I think, deep down, crusty old shits wish they had some. They wish they had her, too. (points to Sloane) Sorry. She's taken. CAMERON I'd rather not have my family break apart, thank you. SLOANE Well, you know what? It ain't up to you. It's out of your hands. CAMERON So, I in other words, I should just sit back and watch it crumble? SLOANE You're merely an inhabitant in their universe. FERRIS Frightening choice of words. SLOANE They call the shots. When you split from them, you call the shots. CAMERON So, you're saying I should run away? FERRIS No. She's saying it's time for lunch. SLOANE What? FERRIS Let's go feed Cameron. They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his voice. FERRIS BUY! And he exits. Cool and casual. 118 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING FLOOR 118 It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout. We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER. ANNOUNCER Commodity prices rose sharply today in unusually heavy trading... 119 EXT. RESTAURANT 119 A French restaurant on the Gold Coast. It's noon. 120 INT. RESTAURANT 120 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant. Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book. HIS POV His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd returns. MAITRE'D (to Ferris) May I help you? FERRIS Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of three for 12:00. The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously. FERRIS Is there a problem? MAITRE'D You're Abe Frohman? FERRIS I'm Abe Frohman. MAITRE'D (chuckles) I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right now. If you have trouble finding the door... Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her. FERRIS Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am? MAITRE'D Shall I call the police? CAMERON Let's go...Abe. FERRIS I'm not going anywhere. (to the Maitre'd) Call the police. Go ahead. Better yet... (grabs the phone) ...I'll call myself. Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles smuggly. CU. PHONE Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's second line lights up and the phone rings. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the call. Ferris waves him off angrily. FERRIS You touch me and I yell "rat!" There's another phone around here. Find it. The maitre'd backs off. CAMERON Ferris, let's split, please? SLOANE Cameron's right. We're gonna get busted. FERRIS Not a chance in the world. He hands the phone to Sloane. FERRIS Ask for Abe Frohman. INT. RESTAURANT. LATER Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The maitre'd is hovering over Ferris. MAITRE'D I appreciate your understanding. FERRIS Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave us to our repast and all will be forgotten. MAITRE'D Enjoy your luncheon. FERRIS Thank you. The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed. Cameron is flushed with nerves. FERRIS Darling, you were wonderful. SLOANE Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher. FERRIS Cameron, dear friend? Cameron looks to Ferris. FERRIS And you thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you. Ferris disappears behind his menu. 121 EXT. SCHOOL 121 We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE. JEANIE (VO) Ferris Bueller's days are numbered. 122 INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM 122 Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's talking to a FRIEND. JEANIE (mean, vicious) I'm gonna bust his buns. FRIEND Why? What's the point? JEANIE Why? Because I'm sick of the little dope. He manipulates my parents, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he never gets nailed. (wicked pause) Well, babe, today I'm the hammer. She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The straps rip off in her hand. FRIEND I think he's cute. JEANIE Sweetie, it's an established fact that you have no taste. Ferris is not cute. He's not charming. He's not nice. He's not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant mule and the sooner everybody in this school comes to that realization the better off we'll all be. She displays the velcro straps to her friend. JEANIE See? My brother strokes you, you sympathize with him, I get pissed off and this is what happens! Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor. JEANIE Let me tell you something. I study hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm considerate, I'm friendly and fair to all kinds of people. Except morons. I try to be everything a good, decent person should be and you know what? FRIEND Everybody thinks you're an asshole. Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue. JEANIE Excuse me? FRIEND I don't think you're an asshole. JEANIE Who does? Her friend smiles sheepishly. JEANIE Rachel? Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but verbally confirm. JEANIE Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else? FRIEND I don't know. Just forget it. JEANIE Forget that everybody thinks I'm an asshole? Would you like everybody to think you're an asshole? FRIEND Not everybody thinks you're an asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you. JEANIE Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat fifty year old clod with B.O. likes me. Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief. JEANIE Would everybody be happier if maybe I were to die in a flaming car accident or something? FRIEND Maybe if you didn't cat like and asshole... JEANIE Am I acting like an asshole? FRIEND I didn't mean it that way. JEANIE I this a conspiracy to shit all over me or something? Is my brother behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll sock your tits. FRIEND You really do have a problem, Jeanie. JEANIE Me? I have a problem? FRIEND Somebody who threatens to sock people's tits has a problem. JEANIE Alright. How about if I sock your face? Jeanie's friend gets up. FRIEND Take a walk, Jeanie. Her friend exits. JEANIE (yells after her) If it means anything to you, I have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT! She snarls and slumps against the lockers. JEANIE He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat. 123 INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL 123 Ferris is standing at the urinal. FERRIS She's a person who views life as an ordeal that must be endured. Her body is a transport vehicle for her anger. I don't know where she gets this shit. Basically, the family's pretty cool. He looks down at the urinal. FERRIS I wonder if everybody shoots at cigarette butts in urinals? Probably not many women. (continues) I used to think that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it. It used to worry me. Then I met Cameron and I saw how his family functioned. He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal. FERRIS Cameron's home life is really shit. He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick all the time. It really upsets him. What he said about his parents hating each other? I refuse to sleep over at his house. His parents fight all the time. Even when I'm there. Is there anything worse than being at somebody's house when their parents are fighting? It's the absolute height of social discomfort. He checks his hair in the mirror. FERRIS When they go after each other, Cameron tightens up. It's scary. He gets so wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns apart with a crowbar. The thing with taking his old man's car? It's good for him. It teaches him to deal with his fear. Plus, and I must be honest here, I love driving it. I highly recommend picking one up. He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes. Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to the sink. 124 INT. RESTAURANT 124 Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're staring at the plates. CAMERON What is it? SLOANE I don't know. But it looks like it's already been eaten and digested. CAMERON I knew it was a mistake letting Ferris order for us. Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat. FERRIS What are you doing? Cameron looks at Ferris. CAMERON What is this shit? FERRIS You got me. I don't speak French. He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate. FERRIS I think it's a land-based beefoid creature. He takes a bite. He savors the taste. FERRIS Splendid. CAMERON Really? FERRIS Superb. Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively. FERRIS Good? Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes. Ferris stops him. FERRIS Yo, Clouseau! The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly. FERRIS I have a growth on my brain that causes memory lapses. Could you tell me what we ordered here? The waiter glances at the plates. WAITER Sweetbreads. FERRIS Uh, huh. And what might that be? WAITER Pancreas. FERRIS As in the gland that has important functions in digestion and metabolism? CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their mouths. CU. FERRIS He continues his questioning. FERRIS ...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid containing digestive enzymes? The home of the world famous isles of Langerhans? CU. WAITER He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal. CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They look at each other. CU. FERRIS He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue. CU. WAITER He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food. CU. FERRIS He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter. FERRIS Check, please! 125 EXT. RESTAURANT 125 Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold. FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the restaurant. FERRIS 40,000 restaurants in the downtown area and I pick the one my father goes to. CAMERON We're gonna get nabbed, for sure. FERRIS No way, Cameron. Only the meek get nabbed. The bold survive. Let's go. He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly. EXT. STREET. CAB Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab. INT. CAB Ferris slams the door. CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away. EXT. RESTAURANT Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes off. MUSIC COMES UP. 126 EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY 126 The grand old Chicago museum. 127 INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT 127 The main gallery is crowded with school kids. INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands looking like giant grade schoolers. INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane, Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process. INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out. INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray. INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart attack. INT. GERMAN U-BOAT Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button and pulls a lever. CU. PROPELLER For the first time in forty years, the screw turns. CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE The famous stages of life display which features bottled fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar. CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat. Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS. SLOANE (remorsefully) I wonder if he has a name? FERRIS (blank) Ninth Month. 128 EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT 128 From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon. CAMERON (VO) Are you guys worried about nuclear war? FERRIS (VO) Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've won our freedom, we're traveling down one of American's most scenic polluted waterways and you have to bring up nuclear war? SLOANE (VO) It is kind of raggy subject, Cam. CAMERON (VO) Regardless. It's with us every day. The possiblity of global destruction. SLOANE (VO) Don't you think it's an issue because people need something to worry about? They have to like, have some major problem that puts all their little bullshit into some kind of persepective? CAMERON (VO) Maybe. FERRIS They used to have Viet Nam. They used to have the oil crisis stuff and Iran. That's over and people have to have their big issue. It's not like somebody came up with the nuclear holocaust yesterday at noon, you know. SLOANE (VO) To answer your question...No, I'm not worried about it at all. FERRIS (VO) We don't know when the bombs going off. We do know, however, that college starts in the fall. CAMERON (VO) (dramatic, deadly serious) Do you know what a nuclear winter is? Long beat. SLOANE (VO) Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real cold and the skiing's for shit. The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME. EXT. BOAT DOCK The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat. Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed. Discussing the end of the world. SLOANE My step-father's always going off about how when he was young he was committed to all these causes. FERRIS He's full of shit. All the old hippies are full of shit. SLOANE He says I don't care about things like he did. FERRIS What's he care about now? SLOANE Baldness, fatty meats and money. FERRIS I rest my case. CAMERON What's spooky is they still control everything. They took over when they were young and they never gave it up. FERRIS One of the most frightening experiences of my young life has been observing my parents and our neighbors playing the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits. It's chilling to see people crazed with the minutia of their past. CAMERON It's human nature to like what you had better than what you have. SLOANE Agreed. A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest. LOUDSPEAKER TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING... The three look to the left. LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON The Sears Tower. CAMERON You know, this is all very interesting but I'm starving. FERRIS An hour ago you wanted to yack. CAMERON I feel better now. FERRIS Lean over and grab a fish. Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought flashes through Sloane's brain. SLOANE What comes after a nuclear winter? FERRIS Nuclear spring. 129 EXT. SCHOOL 129 Meanwhile... 130 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE 130 Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself. JEANIE It's reprehensible to squeal on your own flesh and blood...but it's for his own good. His cavalier attitude will get him into trouble later in life...and it'll continue to piss me off and I'll get so wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer and he'll ruin my life. Screw him. She slips into the Dean's outer office. 131 INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 131 Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile. SECRETARY Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering you now? Jeanie scowls at her. JEANIE Is Dean Rooney in? SECRETARY I'm sorry, he's out. Can I help you? JEANIE (condescending) I seriously doubt it. When's he back? SECRETARY I don't know. He left the grounds on personal business. 132 EXT. STREET. CU. CURB 132 A car tire rolls into FRAME and stops. Slide across to the sidewalk. Rooney's dress shoe steps out onto the pavement. Move up to reveal Rooney standing at the door of his bile-green LeBaron. Rooney peels off his shades and looks around like he's Dirty Harry. In his mind he is Dirty Harry. CU. FIRE HYDRANT Rooney's dres shoe on the hydrant. He ties his lace and pulls up his sock. EXT. STREET Rooney straightens his tie and jacket and slips into a rowdy hot dog joint. 133 INT. HOT DOG STAND 133 It's jammed with construction workers, secretaries, suburban businessmen. It's loud and confusing. Rooney pushes his way in and scopes the crowd. HIS POV A young person is playing a video game in a far corner. CU. ROONEY He suspects it's Ferris. It look sort of like Ferris. He smiles and cuts into the crowd. CU. THE BACK OF THE VIDEO PLAYER'S HEAD MOVE IN on the player. ROONEY (OC) I've been waiting a long time for this. The player looks up. ROONEY (OC) Your ass is mine. The player turns around. It's a GIRL. CU. ROONEY The blood evacuates his face. He stares at the girl. CU. GIRL She stares at him. She picks up her Coke. She puts the straw to her lips and sucks. CU. ROONEY He's still staring. He can't think of anything to say. CU. GIRL Holding the straw in the mouth, she draws it out of the cup. She raises it, pointing it directly in Rooney's face. CU. ROONEY He squints CU. GIRL She blows a strawful of Coke in Rooney's face. CU. NAPKIN HOLDER A hand yanks a napkin hold. INT. HOT DOG STAND. SERVICE COUNTER Rooney wipes his face. Behind him is the kitchen and a grease-covered TV set broadcasting a Cubs baseball game. There's a long foul ball. The TV camera follows the ball into the stands. A kid makes a stab at the ball. Rooney wipes his suit off. The TV camera zooms in on the boy triumphantly holding the foul ball aloft. It's Ferris. He does a little celebration dance. Rooney wads up the napkin and tosses it in a trashbin. The TV camera returns to the game. Rooney glances at the screen. ROONEY What's the score? HOT DOG MAN Zero to zero. ROONEY Who's winning? HOT DOG MAN Cubs. Rooney nods and exits. 134 EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS 134 Ferris sits down with the baseball. He shakes his stinging paw. On either side of him are Cameron and Sloane. Cameron's scarfing nachos. FERRIS I think I broke my thumb. SLOANE Can we leave now? FERRIS You want to leave? We just got here. SLOANE You got a call, you broke your thumb, what's left to do? Cameron offers his nachos to Sloane. She looks at them with disgust. SLOANE No wonder you're always sick. Ferris leans back, puts his hands behind his head and turns his face to the bright sun. FERRIS Do you realize that if I played by the rules, right now I'd be in gym? 135 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL. PLAYING FIELD 135 A boy's gym class is doing laps. A blue Fiat pulls into the shot. 136 INT. FIAT 136 Jeanie's at the wheel. She sneaks a glance at the school. JEANIE I can't believe my brother's making me put myself in a position where I could get expelled. Selfish little moron. (pause) Ferris? You're overshadowed me long enough. I'm gonna get you, buddy. She puts the car in gear and drives out of the shot. 137 EXT. STATE STREET 137 A parade is underway. Floats and politicians. Marching bands, drum and bugle corps, soldiers, school kids. Figure skating club in outfits and skates performing their routines on pavement. It's GERMAN-AMERICAN APPRECIATION DAY. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Riding atop on a float is Ferris. He's waving to the crowd. He and half a dozen homely German-American Beauty Queens. He's leading the girls in singing, "DANKE SHOEN". EXT. STATE STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They're watching Ferris go by. They wave to him. SLOANE I love him. CAMERON It's hard not to. Cameron breaks a smile. As worried as he is about the day and getting caught, he has to admire Ferris for his lack of inhabitions. Cameron mumbles a few words. CAMERON Stop...water...want... SLOANE Do you believe in reincarnation? CAMERON Huh? SLOANE Do you believe that you lived before? CAMERON Yeah. Sort of. SLOANE DO you ever wonder what you were? CAMERON I don't have to wonder. I know. Sloane looks at him with amazement. CAMERON I was a tractor tire. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is on his knees, reaching down from the float, shaking hands with people in the crowd. FERRIS Guten tag, dude! EXT. STATE STREET Sloane and Cameron continue their conversation. CAMERON What were you in a previous life? SLOANE I'm not sure but I think I know who Ferris was. CAMERON Hannibal. SLOANE From the A-Team? CAMERON No. The guy who rode the elephants into Switzerland. Sloane laughs at herself. They step out of the crowd and head down the street in the direction the parade's heading. SLOANE I think if he was anybody, he was Magellan. You know, the guy who went around the world. Cameron nods. SLOANE I could see him ignoring popular belief and taking off on some impossible mission. CAMERON Yeah. As long as I've known him, everything works for him. There's nothing he can't handle. I can't handle anything. School, parents, the future. Ferris can do anything. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is playing "TWIST AND SHOUT" on the accordian. The girls on the float are singing. FERRIS WELL, SHAKE IT UP, BABY, NOW! GIRLS SHAKE IT UP, BABY FERRIS TWIST AND SHOUT! GIRLS TWIST AND SHOUT! FERRIS COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, BABY ON! COME ON AND WORK IT ON OUT! GIRLS WORK IT ON OUT! EXT. STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They continue their conversation. SLOANE The future's worse for a boy, isn't it? Cameron doesn't understand what she means. SLOANE A girl can always bail out and have a baby and get some guy to support her. CAMERON That's a pretty grim thought. SLOANE True, but it's an option. No options is worse. CAMERON I don't know what I'm gonna do. SLOANE College. CAMERON Yeah, but to do what? SLOANE What are you interested in? CAMERON Nothing. SLOANE Me either. They walk on for a few beats. We HEAR "TWIST AND SHOUT" GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER. The sons is taking over all the other tunes in the band. It's infecting the entire parade. CAMERON What do you think Ferris is gonna do? EXT. STATE STREET. MARCHING BAND They're playing TWIST AND SHOUT. EXT. STREET. MOUNTED POLICE OFFICER He's singing. POLICE OFFICER YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET. PUNKS A band of PUNKS are dancing on the roof of a news kiosk. PUNKS LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN A WOMAN and her two TODDLERS sing along. WOMAN YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO FINE! TODDLERS LOOK SO FINE! EXT. STREET. BLACK TEENAGER He's wearing a shower cap and a maroon overcoat. TEENAGER COME ON AND TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. OLD NEWSPAPER SELLER He singing along. NEWSPAPER SELLER TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. CHOIR GROUP They're marching down the parade. They're singing in their angleic voices. CHOIR AND LET ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. STREET CLEANERS With their brooms ready... STREET CLEANERS KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. DECK The entire parade is singing and playing "TWIST AND SHOUT". EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The POLITICIANS and their WIVES stand up. POLITICIANS AND WIVES AH! EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The CLERGYMEN stand. CLERGYMEN AH! EXT. STREET. VETERANS Marching in formation and in WWII uniforms. VETERANS AH! EXT. STREET. FLOAT Ferris leads the Beauty Queens in the rousing finale. FERRIS AH! EXT. STREET. WIDE AND HIGH The entire parade is at frenzy pitch. PARADE AHHHHH! The SOUND OF THE VOICES blends with the SOUND OF A RED-LINED HIGH PERFORMANCE ENGINE. 138 EXT. CALUMET CITY 138 The Port of Chicago. Grim, gritty waterfront. Suddenly, Cameron's father's car flies OVER CAMERA. Like the opening shot in Star Wars. The Starship Ferrari. SLO-MO. CU. FERRARI UNDER-CARRIAGE It travels past to reveal a beautiful blue sky. SLO-MO. CU. PARKING ATTENDANT His eyes are wide with exhilaration. Mouth open, tongue out. Maniac at the wheel. SLO-MO. CU. RASTAMAN His eyes are closed. Big smile. SLO-MO, EXT. STREETS. KIDS They're looking up in the air, following the car as it flies over them. Broad, excited smiles. The car's shadow passes over them. SLO-MO. 139 CU. CAR GRILLE 139 It fills the frame and stops. We MOVE UP to reveal Rooney behind the wheel of his car. EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE Rooney gets out of his car. He looks at the house, looks up and down the street, then crosses to Ferris' house. 140 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 140 Rooney's at the front door. We see him peek in a window at the top of the door. The doorbell rings. 141 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM. COMPUTER 141 It acknowledges the doorbell. CU. CASSETTE PLAYER It clicks on. 142 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT PORCH 142 The house intercom activates. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE. FERRIS Who is it? Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY This is Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd like to have a word with you. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absenses. There's a pause. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY B.S. Come down here. FERRIS' VOICE You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after this illness has past. His voice clicks off. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY I'm not leaving until you come down and talk to me. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY I'm not leaving, Ferris. There's no response. Rooney rings the doorbell again. The pre-recorded litany starts over. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? Rooney doesn't realize that he's listening to a recording. ROONEY Don't get smart with me Ferris! FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition... Rooney leans back from the door. He can't quite figure out what's going on. But's it's highly suspicious. 143 INT. HOUSE. LIVING ROOM 143 Rooney steps through the hedges and peeks in the windows. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE inside. FERRIS' VOICE You may reach my parents at their places of business. 144 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 144 Rooney tries to peak in the kitchen window. FERRIS' VOICE I appreciate your conern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after... 145 EXT. HOUSE. BACKDOOR 145 A black rubber doggie door. The type that allows a dog to come and go as it pleases. Rooney is crouched down. He lifts the doggie door and peeks in the house. HIS POV Along the kitchen floor. Through the kitchen, into the dining room. We hear a LARGE DOG GROWL. CU. ROONEY He's peaking through the door. He hears the dog. His face freezes. FERRIS Have a nice day. EXT. HOUSE. DOGGIE DOOR A Rottweiler bursts through the doggie door in a fury of gnashing teeth and foam. 146 CU. LARGE BREASTS 146 Tassled pasties twirl like airplane propellers. CU. CAMERON, FERRIS AND SLOANE They're sitting in a booth in the garish, nearly deserted strip joint. Cameron's mouth is open in amazement. Sloane is embarrassed and revolted. CAMERON How does she do that? One goes one way, one goes the other. FERRIS She's probably schizophrenic. SLOANE Ferris, this is nauseating me. Really. I'm losing respect for you by the bucket. FERRIS You don't think it's amazing that we got in? SLOANE Who wants to get in? FERRIS Cameron looks like a toddler, for Christ's sake. I'm talking about a major achievement in false identification. SLOANE I'm not interested in watching someone jiggle their mammary glands. FERRIS Point well taken. But consider why she does it. Why she does it and you don't. SLOANE I'm not a tramp. FERRIS Maybe her life fell apart. Maybe she lost somebody. A lover. A boyfriend. A parent. A child... (to CAMERA) This kind of thing makes me a little depressed. You may think because I'm the age I am that I'm a sex maniac. That sex is all I think about. But that's not true. I'm a romantic. I think alot of people my age are. We think about love and matters of the heart. And SAT scores and acne aside, we worry about lonliness. It's a terrible thing. And we feel it. I feel it. He flips his collar up, curls his lip and affects an Elvis impression. A sappy, do-wop track FADES UP. The club lights go down. Cameron and Sloane disappear into darkness. Ferris stands up from the booth. He strolls slowly through the empty club as the stripper bumps and grinds in a pool of blue light. FERRIS You know, someone said the world's a stage and each must play a part. Fate had me playing in love, with you as my sweetheart. Act one was when we met. I loved you at first glance. You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue. Then came act two. You seemed to change. You acted strange. And why, I've never known. He climbs up on the little runway. The stripper disappears in darkness as Ferris takes over the spotlight. FERRIS Honey, you lies when you said you loved me and I had no cause to doubt you. But I'd rather go on hearing your lies than to go on living without you. Now, the stage is bare and I'm standing there with emptiness all around and if you won't come back to me, then they can bring the curtain down... Elvis fades up. The orignal recording. Ferris lip synchs with the big, dramatic florish that was the King's trademark ballad sign-off. ELVIS IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN? SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN? TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? Ferris drops his head. Like the King would. 147 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET. CAMERON'S CAR 147 Cameron's father is looking at the car. He's studying it. It looks terribly familiar. He leans into the open car and reaches for the glovebox to see if the contents will confirm if it's his. He freezes. He looks up slowly. HIS POV The Attendant and the Rastaman are glowering at him. They're holding bags of fried chicken. ATTENDANT You looking for something in my car? CU. CAMERON'S FATHER He shakes his head, no. CAMERON'S FATHER No. 148 EXT. FERRIS' TOWN. JEANIE 148 Jeanie's standing at her car. She's staring incredulously into the distance. Her mouth's open. She's shaking her head slowly. HER POV Spray-painted on the town water tower in gigantic black letters -- SAVE FERRIS BUELLER. CU. JEANIE She's furious. JEANIE I'm gonna microwave his nuts... 149 EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE 149 Afternoon traffic. 150 INT. TAXI CAB 150 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron in the backseat of a checker. Ferris is on one window, Cameron on the other. Sloane's in the middle. Ferris is talking to the DRIVER. FERRIS So... He leans forward and reads the driver's name off the city license. FERRIS So, Yuri, how long have you been in America? DRIVER One year. FERRIS What's your overall impression? DRIVER It's very good here. FERRIS Better than Russia? DRIVER Much better here than in Russia. FERRIS Clearly you've never been to an American high school. Ferris sits back. He puts his arm around Sloane. CAMERON It's getting late, Ferris. I have to get the car home. I know you don't care, but it means my ass. FERRIS You think I don't care? CAMERON I know you don't care. FERRIS That hurts, Cameron. SLOANE Jump back, Ferris, Cameron's been a good sport. FERRIS Cameron, what'd you see today? Cameron looks at him. FERRIS You saw four states, a submarine, a giant heart, seventy five dollars worth of cooked pancreas, two of the most incredible breasts ever to come out of modern plastics, major league baseball and... (quizical look) Are you gonna chuck your nachos? Cameron's staring past Ferris. He's frozen. Ferris realizes he's looking at something out the window. He turns. He freezes. HIS POV In the gridlock traffic, their cab is squeezed tight alongside another cab. In that cab is Tom. He's about a foot from Ferris. He turns and looks right into CAMERA. TOM'S POV Ferris' frozen face. FERRIS' POV Tom glances back at his paper. He pauses. Looks up. Thinks. Turns back to CAMERA. TOM'S POV Sloane is sitting where Ferris was. She's wearing sunglasses, looking bored. She turns and glances out the window. Fakes a yawn. HER POV Tom stares at her. He's baffled. He looks away. INT. CAB. FLOOR. Cameron and Ferris are on the floor. On their asses, with their backs to the back of the front seat, feet up on the seat. FERRIS (to Sloane) What's he doing? SLOANE (revolted) He's looking at me and he's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands. FERRIS What?! Sloane bursts out laughing. SLOANE Roast! She licks her finger and touches Ferris knee. She makes a sizzling sound. She collapes on the seat in hysterics. INT. TOM'S CAB Tom's looking into Ferris' cab. HIS POV Sloane's bouncing up and down. CU. TOM He can't quite figure out what's going on. He turns and slowly raises his newspaper over his face. We see on the back of the paper a small story with the headline: COMMUNITY RALLIES AROUND SICK YOUTH. 151 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD. DOG 151 The Rottweiler's chewing on a shoe. Tearing it apart. EXT. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's standing outside the fence. He's missing a shoe. His suit pants are torn from the crotch to the knee. His suit coat pocket is torn off. His hair's messed and there're grass-stains on his knees and elbows. He's looking in at the dog. ROONEY That's a $28.00 dress shoe, you worthless mutt! HIS POV The Rottweiler leaps at CAMERA. 152 EXT. CITY STREET 152 Ferris is leading the way down Michigan Avenue. He's hustling through the crowd. He has Sloane by the hand. She's jogging to keep up. Cameron's a few steps behind. He keeps bumping into people. Ferris and Sloane make the turn at Wacker Driver and disappear into the Stone Container Building. Cameron follows, mumbling again. CAMERON Money...tits...please... 153 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 153 A florist truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY MAN gets out iwth a huge floral arrangement. He heads up to the house. 154 EXT. HOUSE. PORCH 154 Rooney's sitting on the porch patting a bloody knee with his handkerchief. The delivery man hops up on the steps. Rooney looks up at him. He greets Rooney cheerily. DELIVERY MAN Howdy! He presses the doorbell. A beat and we hear Ferris' recording. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? The Deliver Man presses the intercom. DELIVERY MAN Focus on Flowers. I have a delivery. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry but I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid... ROONEY FERRIS' VOICE It's a recording, asshole. ...that in my weakened condition, I could take a DELIVERY MAN nasty spill and subject What's your problem? myself to further school absenses... ROONEY (pause) He's one of my students. You can reach my parents at their places of DELIVERY MAN business. Thank you for Little bugger's dying. stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well- ROONEY being. It will be What? remembered long after this illness has passed. DELIVERY MAN As I heard it from our mailman he was supposedly born with only half a kidney. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. DELIVERY MAN (to the intercom) Thank you. (continues) I don't know the details. But my boss had to send to Milwaukee to get more orchids. He's very popular. Rooney is flabbergasted. DELIVERY MAN Nobody's home here? ROONEY No. DELIVERY MAN You gonna be around for awhile? ROONEY I imagine so. DELIVERY MAN You wanna keep an eye on these? Rooney looks at the flowers. Then he looks at the Delivery Man. DELIVERY MAN (happy sigh) It really touches me that so many people are rallying behind this guy. I guess there's hope for the human race afterall. He hands the arrangement to Rooney. DELIVERY MAN Gotta run. He bounds off the porch and trots to the truck. Rooney looks incredulously at the arrangement. He opens the attached card. ROONEY (defeated) Oh, Christ... CU. CARD It's signed: ALL OUR BEST FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY THE ENGLISH DEPT. FACULTY AND STAFF 155 INT. RADIO STATION STUDIO 155 The number one afternoon FM rock'n roll D.J. is sitting behind his microphone. D.J. I don't know who that was or what they were playing but I apologize for it nonetheless. (pause) I have a guest with me today... 156 INT. STUDIO. FERRIS 156 He put his headphones on. 157 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 157 Jeanie's car pull in the driveway. We hear her car radio. D.J. His name is Ferris Mueller. FERRIS Bueller. Ferris Bueller. INT. CAR. JEANIE She goes into shock. Her eyes blink, her head cocks. D.J. Sorry about that. FERRIS It's cool. Jeanie draws back and punches out her radio. CU. CAR ANTENNA The impact of her blow to the radio shoots the antenna in the air. 158 INT. STUDIO 158 Ferris leans forward and adjusts the microphone. D.J. He has an incredible story. Ferris turns to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm going to tell a massive lie here. It's going to by very thick and very steamy. I think radio's a facinating medium, it challenges the imagination. Unlike television which provides the images, radio... (pause) You know this. Anyway, it's always been a dream of mine to be on the radio. I have what I consider to be an excellent broadcast voice. I practise it in the bathroom all the time. I used to play records and do introductions to them. But I've never had the chance to sit behind a microphone and try it out for real. This is a 50,000 watt outlet. I'm going out to several million people so let me just say, I'm in a very pleasant groove right now. (clears his voice, speaks into the mike, affects a "radio" voice) Well, Steve, you and your listeners are probably not going to believe this but... 159 INT. SCHOOL 159 A group of kids are sitting around a blaster. FERRIS' VOICE ...I'm the first Chicago area youth to be selected to participate in a space shuttle mission. 160 INT. STUDIO 160 Ferris turns from the mike to CAMERA. FERRIS I was going to say I knew Springsteen's home phone number and I was going to give out the number of the New Jersey State Police but I thought I might get busted. After I got flunked in driver's ed for sideswiping a mail box, which was not in any way, shape or from my fault. I was putting out a cigarette, like I was told. It was weird. I'm so used to getting in a car and lighting up, because I'm not allowed to smoke at home, that I got in the driver's ed. car and spaced completely, pulled out of the lot, lit up a 'boro and Mrs. Heller looked at me like I'd just pulled a bunny out of my nose or something and I realized what the hell I was doing and I went to put it out and hit the mail box. Anyway, I was so pissed off at her reaction to the whole thing that I considered running an ad in a sleaze magazine for a school teacher that does phone sex and I was gonna use Mrs. Heller's home number but is cost too much. I took it again and passed. But I had to work at Burger King to get the cash to pay for the driver's ed. car. The car got fixed in auto shop for nothing and I think Rooney pocketed the cash. But I can't prove it? I'm in high school, remember? He turns back to the DJ. D.J. How did you get picked for this. FERRIS It's kind of a long story but I've been doing alot of programming for NASA. 161 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 161 A even larger group of kids is listening to the blaster. They're cheering him on. 162 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD 162 The Rottweiler is laying unconscious on the lawn. The flower arrangement is scattered all over the yard and the ceramic vase the flowers were in has obviously struck the dog. The broken pieces are all around the dog's head. EXT. FERRIS HOUSE. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's smiling with great satisfaction. ROONEY Sleep tight, pooch. He hears something in the house. His head snaps around. He drops down and peek in the windows. HIS POV A glimpse of a fleeting figure. CU. ROONEY His eyes dance in anticipation of revenge. 163 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM 163 Jeanie kicks the door open. The yardstick flings the covers and the pillows beneath them in the air. She stomps in and turns off the snoring synthesizer. JEANIE I knew it! She grabs the phone and sits down. She dials a number. 164 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 164 Rooney sneaks around the side of the house. He slinks up on the porch. The front door's open. He peeks in. 165 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 165 Jeanie's on the phone. JEANIE Is Mrs. Bueller there? Where is she? This is her daughter. Do you know where she is? Do you know when she'll be back? Do you know anything? She slams the phone down. JEANIE The worm has luck like clams have body odor... She's startled by a noise downstairs. A smile spreads across her face. He's back and she's going to nail him. 166 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 166 Rooney sneaks into the house. He looks around the foyer and heads into the kitchen. 167 INT. HOUSE. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY 167 Jeanie tiptoes down the stairs. 168 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 168 Rooney sneaks through the kitchen into the den. 169 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 169 Jeanie comes down the stairs into the foyer. 170 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 170 Rooney comes out of the den, back into the kitchen. He crosses back toward the foyer. 171 INT. FOYER 171 Jeanie sneaks into the kitchen. 172 INT. KITCHEN 172 Jeanie and Rooney come face-to-face. Jeanie squeals in horror. She doesn't recognize Rooney as himself but as an intruder. She drops into a karate stance and kicks Rooney in the face. He hits the deck. She flees back up the stairs. 173 INT. CAR 173 Boyd is sitting in the backseat of Joyce's car listening to the radio. FERRIS' VOICE My input on the Star Wars defense plan was pretty substantial so I guess this is their way of rewarding me. I'm pretty flattered. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients leave a show house and head toward the car. INT. CAR Boyd looks out the window as his parents and Joyce appear. D.J. VOICE Can you stay around and take a few phone calls? FERRIS' VOICE I'd really like to but I have a kidney operation in about an hour. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients take one last look at the house. JOYCE If you're willing to commit a little time and a little money to this place, you can really have something to be proud of. Don't let the black living room throw you off. She opens the car door. INT. CAR The door opens. D.J. VOICE I wish you the best of luck. FERRIS' VOICE Thanks, Steve. D.J. VOICE A very interesting guy, Ferris Bueller. Joyce gets in. The clients get in the other side. A song starts. JOYCE (to the kid) Well, Boyd, how are you bearing up? The kid stares at her. JOYCE Did I tell you I have a son your age? BOYD Twice. JOYCE His name is Ferris. I think you'd like him. Boyd sits up in the seat at the mention of Ferris' name. BOYD Is he going up in the space shuttle in September? Joyce looks around at Boyd. She gives him a curious look. JOYCE Not that I know of. BOYD I knew he was bullshitting. MOTHER Watch your mouth. BOYD How do you watch your mouth? JOYCE Do you know my son? FATHER Don't pay any attention to him. He thinks it's cute to bait adults. BOYD I don't think it's cute. I think it's fun. Joyce give him a puzzled smile and starts the car. 174 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 174 Jeanie's on the phone. She's in a panic. JEANIE This is not a phoeny phone call. There's an intruder, male caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird, in our kitchen. (pause) My name is Bueller. There's another pause. Jeanie's face drops. JEANIE It's real nice that you hope my brother's feeling better but I'm in danger, okay? I'm very cute, I'm very alone and I'm very protective of my body. I'd rather not have it violated or killed. I need help! 175 INT. KITCHEN 175 Rooney's plugging his bloody nose with paper towel. The intercom goes on. JEANIE'S VOICE Excuse me. If whoever's in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I have just called the police. If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get your ass out of my house real quick. Rooney stiffens with fear. JEANIE'S VOICE I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun. And a scorching case of herpes. 176 EXT. STREET 176 Rooney's car is hooked to a tow truck. It's parked in front of a fire hydrant and the windshield is decorated with parking citations. In the distance SIRENS WAIL. 177 EXT. PARKING LOT 177 The three are waiting for the Ferrari. We HEAR TIRES SQUEALING, AN ENGINE REVING-OUT. Then the Ferrari pulls down the ramp and jams to a frightening stop. A BLACK GUY jumps out. Ferris hands him the parking stub. FERRIS Just out of curiosity, what was your top speed coming down the ramp? BLACK GUY (matter-of-fact) About 60. FERRIS Stunning! He hands him a buck and opens the door and pulls the passenger seat forward for Cameron. FERRIS This is probably the last time you'll have to ride back here. Keep that in mind. Cameron gives him a look and squeezes in. 178 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET 178 The Ferrari cruises through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane's in the passenger seat. Ferris is driving and Cameron is crammed in the back. SLOANE What's next. CAMERON Nothing. We return the car. SLOANE We could go to my house. My parents aren't coming home until late. FERRIS We have enough cash left for a quick flight to Peoria and back. CAMERON Very funny. Ferris looks in the mirror and changes lanes. He glances down at the speedometer, then to the road. And back to the speedometer. FERRIS Cameron? How many miles did you say this thing had when we left? CAMERON One hundred and twenty six and halfway between three and four tenths. Why? How many miles are on it now? He glances down at the speedometer. CU. SPEEDOMETER The odometer reads 432.7. FERRIS (to CAMERA) Here's where Cameron goes berserk. EXT. TRAFFIC The Ferrari pulls up at a stop light. We HEAR A THUNDERING, MUFFLED SCREAM. EXT. EXPRESSWAY The Ferrari is buzzing through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane turns in her seat and looks at Cameron. Her gesture is one of genuine support. SLOANE You okay? CU. CAMERON His eyes are frozen in a mindless, vacant stare. CU. FERRIS He looks at Sloane. He's concerned. FERRIS Hey, Cameron. It's okay. We'll fix it. CU. CAMERON He's still holding the stare. He starts to breathe heavily. He's trembling. CU. SLOANE She whips around in the seat and grabs his arms. SLOANE Cameron! Cut it out! What's wrong?! Ferris! CU. FERRIS He shoots Sloane a look. FERRIS Cameron, are you okay? It's no problem, really. Your old man won't know a thing. It's completely fixable. INT. FERRARI Sloane fires an angry look at Ferris. SLOANE Shut-up! It is a problem! For him it's a problem. Nothing's a problem for you. But it's a problem for him! So, just shut-up. She turns back to Cameron. SLOANE What can I do, Cameron? CU. FERRIS Eyes front. He knows what he's doing. 179 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. FOYER 179 The doorbell rings. The Ferris' tape is activated. FERRIS VOICE Who is it? We hear a MALE VOICE over the intercom. VOICE Anybody home? FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry that I can't come to the door right now... The tape continues as Jeanie hurtles down the stairs. JEANIE I'm saved! Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you! She jumps the last few stairs and slides to the front door. She whips it open. 180 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT DOOR 180 The door swings open. JEANIE Thank...you... Her jaw goes slack. She blinks her eyes. HER POV The Delivery Man and a young ASSISTANT are standing at the door with floral arrangements. Spread all around them are more flowers. A sexy singing NURSE and a BALLOON MAN steps up on the porch. NURSE (sings) WE HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER WE HOPE YOU'RE FELLING FIT WE... The door slams shut. 181 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET 181 Rooney's walking down the street. A school bus is crawling alongside him as kids hang out the windows. From inside we hear SHOUTING and seventeen different SONGS PLAYING ON BLASTERS. A top forty montage. KID Hey, Mr. Rooney! What're you doing? Rooney doesn't respond. ANOTHER KID Did you get in a fight? Rooney keep walking. The bus doors open. The DRIVER calls out to him. DRIVER You want a lift? Rooney takes a few more steps. He stops. The bus stops. Rooney takes a deep breath. He climbs aboard the bus. 182 INT. BUS 182 The bus is jammed with WONKS and WEINERETTES. The passengers are silent as they watch Rooney shuffle down the aisle and take an empty seat next to a skinny, myopic GIRL. CU. GIRL She looks at Rooney and smiles. She pushes her Coke bottle glasses up on her nose. CU. ROONEY He looks vacantly at her. CU. GIRL She holds her smile. GIRL I'll bet you never smelled a real school bus before. CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She holds up a candy package. GIRL Gummi Bear? CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She puts one in her mouth. GIRL They've been in pocket. They're real soft and warm. CU. BOY A rotund FRESHMAN BOY sitting across from Rooney is staring at him. CU. ROONEY He looks across to the kid. CU. BOY He leans forward. FRESHMAN BOY It's kind of like being in the belly of the beast isn't it? CU. ROONEY He turns him eyes to the front. The bus jerks forward and pulls away. 183 EXT. BUS 183 It grinds through the gears as it heads down the quiet street. The BLASTERS go back on, the SHOUTING RESUMES. 184 EXT. PARK 184 Cameron's laying on a picnic table. Sloane's sitting beside him on the table. She's stroking his hair. Ferris WALKS INTO THE FOREGROUND. He addresses CAMERA. FERRIS This may very well be for real. I think Cameron might have blown a micro-chip or two. He's always been a little keyed-up. All I wanted to do was give him a good day. We're gonna graduate in a couple of months. Then we have the summer. He'll work and I'll work. And we'll see each other at night and on the weekends but then he'll go to one school and I'll go to another. And basically that'll be it. As much as we like each other, the process of growing up will separate us. He begins to walk. We follow him. FERRIS Sloane's a bigger problem. She still has another year of high school. How do I deal with that? I was serious when I said I'd marry her. I would. This isn't just teenage infatuation. That's what my parents call it. What do they call what they have? If that's love, I'll take infatuation. CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. Sloane's stroking his hair. FERRIS (VO) Cameron's never been in love. At least no one's ever been in love with him. He's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like shit because he's gonna kiss her ass for giving him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existance. She won't respect him because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work. CU. SLOANE She's studying Cameron's face. She looks away. SLOANE Ferris? CU. FERRIS He looks to the picnic table. Then back to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm being tested here. He starts back to the picnic table. FERRIS My best friend has flipped-out. Conventional wisdom would suggest a visit to the nearest trauma center. I wouldn't fault anybody for doing that. My, personally, I think this calls for something new, something bold, something wet and wild. 185 CU. JACUZZI JET 185 UNDERWATER SHOT. A hyrdojet spews a gush of air bubbles. CU. BLASTER A finger pushes the PLAY button on the cassette. MUSIC COMES UP. CU. BEER CAN LID The finger pops a beer. CU. OREO PACKAGE A painted fingernail pierces the cellophane wrapper. INT. JACUZZI Ferris and Sloane are in Sloane's parents' Jacuzzi. Their clothes are tosssed around the deck. Cameron's been placed in a patio chair at the edge of the Jacuzzi. He's still catatonic. He's mummbling softly. Ferris is drinking a beer. Sloane's eating Oreos. FERRIS You feeling any better, Cameron? SLOANE The water's really nice. I wish you'd come in. CU. CAMERON Staring into space. CAMERON Surgery...fire...move... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They look at each other. She offers him a cookie. He offers her his beer. FERRIS Cameron? Do you think this because of the car or is it a combination of everything shitty in your life? CU. CAMERON He doesn't respond. CAMERON Music...kiss...attack... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS Sloane sips the beer. FERRIS You just can't deal with anymore shit? The car took you into the red zone? Time for a reality check? SLOANE Cameron? I could flip real easy, too. There's nothing wrong with it. At one time or another, everybody goes to the zoo. FERRIS Maybe he was actually sick. Maybe he wasn't bullshitting himself. CU. CAMERON No response. CAMERON Gesundheit...God...mercy... EXT. BACKYARD Ferris and Sloane watch their catatonic friend. CU. CAMERON He smiles. CU. SLOANE She leans forward and stares at Cameron. CU. FERRIS He cocks his head, wondering what Cameron's up to. CU. CAMERON He keels over forward. EXT. BACKYARD Cameron falls out of the chair and splashes down, face-first, into the water. Sloane screams. Ferris leaps for him. UNDERWATER Ferris struggles with Cameron's lifeless bulk. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. Ferris thrashes around in the water. UNDERWATER Ferris grabs Cameron's collar and rips him out of the water. EXT. BACKYARD Ferris sits Cameron on the edge of the Jacuzzi. FERRIS CAMERON! CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. He's lifeless. CU. FERRIS His face is a mask of terror. He shakes Cameron. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. CU. CAMERON A smile spreads across his face. CU. FERRIS He sees the smile. He stops shaking Cameron. EXT. JACUZZI Ferris and Cameron are looking at each other. Sloane's still screaming. She realizes that Cameron's okay. She stops screaming. SLOANE What? FERRIS (Cameron) You asshole! Cameron's smiling. SLOANE What? Ferris starts to laugh. Cameron explodes with laughter. Sloane's bewildered. SLOANE What's so funny? 186 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 186 Jeanie's sitting on a wooden bench with a WASTED TEENAGE BOY in a Triumph t-shirt, long hair, torn jeans, creepers, studs and chains. He's studying her. BOY Drugs? JEANIE No, thank you. I'm straight. BOY I meant, are you here for drugs? Jeanie stares at him. JEANIE Why are you here? BOY Drugs. JEANIE I don't know why I'm here. BOY Then why don't you go home? JEANIE Why don't you put your thumb up your butt? The boy stares at her. BOY You want to talk about your problem? JEANIE With you? Are you serious? BOY Yeah, I'm serious. JEANIE Blow yourself. Jeanie turns away. The boy crosses his legs. Jeanie looks back at him. JEANIE You really want to know what's wrong? The boy shrugs. JEANIE Alright. If you've got the time, I've got the troubles. In a nutshell, I hate my brother. How's that? BOY That's cool. Did you shoot him or something? JEANIE No, not yet. The boy nods. He understands the emotion. JEANIE I went home to confirm that the shithead was ditching school and a guy broke into the house and I called the cops and they picked me up for making a phoney phone call. BOY What do you care if your brother ditches school? Jeanie stares at the boy. JEANIE Why should he get to ditch school when everybody else has to go? BOY You could ditch. JEANIE I'd get caught. BOY So, you're pissed at him because he ditches and doesn't get caught? JEANIE Basically. The boy nods knowingly. BOY Then your problem is you. JEANIE Excuse me? BOY Excuse you. You oughta spend a little more time dealing with yourself and a little less time worrying about what your brother does. It's just an opinion. Jeanie stares angrily at him. Partly because he's so bold and partly because he's so right. BOY There's somebody you should talk to. Jeanie stares at him threateningly. JEANIE If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle. BOY You know him? CU. JEANIE'S HAND It curls into a fist. 187 CU. FERRARI TIRE 187 It's spinning rapidly. CY. ACCELERATOR A brick's resting on the accelerator, holding it down. INT. CAMERON'S GARAGE Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the garage. The Ferrari is jacked up. The wheels are turning. The engine's racing. CAMERON The whole time I was just thinking things over. I was like, meditating. I was thinking about the future. And I realized it doesn't make and difference if the present goes to shit. FERRIS I have a agree with you there. SLOANE Really. CAMERON I've been thinking all day that if you could only have the use of one word, what would it be? FERRIS Sloane is naked before your eyes and you're thinking about words? SLOANE God bless you, Cameron. CAMERON Thank you, Sloane. CAMERON If you guys only had one word, what would it be? FERRIS I can't believe you'd think up something like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi right in front of you. SLOANE Come on, Ferris, answer his question. FERRIS Bathroom. SLOANE I'd say... She thinks. FERRIS Cash. CAMERON It's the only word you could ever use. FERRIS Hello. SLOANE Love. FERRIS And what is you loathe somebody? Are you going to say "love" every time you see them? SLOANE It's better than "hello". FERRIS Hellos' generic. SLOANE You wanna be generic? CAMERON It's help. Cameron smiles at his wisdom. Ferris and Sloane think about it. It's a good choice. Cameron gets up and walks to the Ferrari. CAMERON The word is help. Cameron peeks in the window. CU. ODOMETER Nothing's happening. INT. GARAGE Cameron pulls his head out of the car. CAMERON Ferris? It's not working. Ferris looks up. CAMERON The miles aren't coming off, running it in reverse. FERRIS I thought that might be a problem. Let's crack open the odometer and roll it back by hand. Cameron shakes his head. CAMERON I got a better idea. It's cool. He walks back around behind the Ferrari. CAMERON Seventeen years and I've never taken a stand. Now, I'm gonna do it. I'm taking a stand against my father, against my family, against myself, against my past, my present and my future. I will not sit idly by as events that affect me unfold to change the course of my life. I will take a stand and I will defend it. When my father comes home tonight, he's finally going to have to deal with me. Good or bad, I'm taking a stand. CU. FERRIS He turns to CAMERA. FERRIS This is a big U-2 fan. CU. SLOANE She smiles proudly at Cameron. She applauds him. CU. CAMERON He's serious and determined. He has made up his mind and it appears that it won't be changed by anyone but himself. CU. TIRES It's spinning wildly. CU. MERCEDES BUMPER Cameron's foot rests on the bumper. A beat and it gives a mighty shove. CU. TIRE The spinning tires slam down on the cement. INT. GARAGE Cameron has kicked the Ferrari off the jack. It squeals out of the garage in a cloud of blue tire smoke. A $50,000 unmanned investment heading backwards down a driveway. CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They're in shock. EXT. HOUSE The Ferrari shoots down the driveway. INT. GARAGE Cameron watches the car go. He's strangely placcid about the impending disaster. Ferris and Sloane are bewildered. THEIR POV The Ferrari travels down the driveway, across the street, over the curb into the wooded property opposite the house. CU. TREE The Ferrari's brief journey ends as it smacks a tree trunk. INT. GARAGE Ferris and Sloane exchange baffled looks. They look at Cameron. He's proud and bold. FERRIS What was that about? SLOANE This has to be a dream. FERRIS Cameron? One quick question. Why'd you do that? Cameron holds his proud posture for a beat. Then a look of bewilderment comes over his face. He shoots a look to Ferris. A puzzled look. FERRIS You trashed the car. Cameron looks across the street. SLOANE Why? CAMERON I took a stand. FERRIS No, Cameron. You wrecked a car. Cameron thinks for a moment. Then he regains his confidence. CAMERON It's okay. Ferris looks across the street at the car. FERRIS I have an idea. If you're interested. Cameron looks at him. He shakes his head. CAMERON I'm gonna handle it. FERRIS I think this could work. CAMERON No, thanks. I want to deal with it by myself. SLOANE What about your one word? CAMERON You already did it. If I need it again, I'll use it. He smiles. He raises am impish eyebrow. CAMERON It's cool. I'm loose. 188 INT. POLICE STATION. OFFICE 188 Joyce is talking with the juvenile officer. Outside the office, on the bench, we see Jeanie and the boy making out. JOYCE She's never been in trouble before. This is a shock to me. First, I don't know why she wasn't at school. Second, I don't know why she'd call you with this story about a rapist. OFFICER For whatever reasons she did it, I think she'd had a good scare. JOYCE I hope so. I appreciate your calling me. I can assure you that her father and I will have a long talk with her. The gathers her purse and jacket and stands. JOYCE Thank you. OFFICER Oh, by the way, I hope you son's feeling better. Joyce looks at the officer curiously. OFFICER Tell him, all the guys at the station here are pulling for him. 189 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 189 Jeanie quickly breaks the embrace with the boy as Joyce steps out of the juvenile officer's room. She's still a little bewildered that everybody knows Ferris was ill. Jeanie wipes her lips and sits up straight. The boy adjusts his pants to better hide his passion. JEANIE (to the boy) If you keep this to yourself, I think we can probably get it on pretty good. BOY For sure. Jeanie stands up. JEANIE Hi. JOYCE Don't "hi" me, young lady. Get your stuff. Jeanie reaches down for her purse. BOY What's your name? JEANIE Jean. What's yours? BOY Garth Volbeck. 190 EXT. SLOANE'S BACKYARD 190 Sloane and Ferris are standing at the back fence. SLOANE I had a great time today. FERRIS Yeah. It was pretty cool. SLOANE You think Cameron's gonna be alright? FERRIS Sure. He had to so it, I guess. His old man had it coming. He'll be okay. I'd be worried if he'd taken my idea. Sloane smiles knowingly. SLOANE You didn't have an idea, did you? FERRIS Not a glimmer. SLOANE You're so smart. FERRIS No. I'm just real loose. He kisses her. FERRIS I'll call you tonight. Sloane nods. Ferris jumps the fence and takes off across the backyards. Sloane watches him go. A huge smile spreads across her face. SLOANE I LOVE YOU! She backs away from the fence. MUSIC FADES UP. SLOANE He's gonna marry me. I know it. She turns and runs into the house. 191 EXT. BACKYARD 191 Ferris sprints across a backyard. He jumps a plaster elf. 192 EXT. ANOTHER BACKYARD 192 Ferris vaults a fence. He runs directly for a swimming pool. He's approaching it from the side. He leaps, hits the diving board, springs off, does a flip and lands on the grass on the other side of the pool. 193 CU. BEDSPREAD 193 Neatly bundles stacks of bills and rolled coins. A significant amount of cash. CU. SLOANE She's writing. CU. PIECE OF PAPER We see a portion of the typewritten letter as she signs it. "...in the amount of $1,765.33. It gives us great pleasure to assist you in performance of your worthy and much needed survives to those so desperately in need. Sincerely, Sloane Peterson Executive Director The Ferris Bueller Foundation" 194 EXT. FERRIS' STREET 194 He's running down the middle of the street. A car honks. Ferris moves to the side. The car pulls around him. INT. CAR. Tom's at the wheel. He glances in the mirror. He does a take. HIS POV. MIRROR We see Ferris cut across a front lawn and into a house. CU. TOM He realizes it couldn't be Ferris. 195 INT. HOUSE 195 Ferris runs through the kitchen, past a WOMAN, fixing dinner and out her backdoor. The Woman looks up curiously. 196 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 196 Tom pulls in the driveway. He parks and gets out. Joyce pulls in from the other direction. 197 EXT. HOUSE. BACK PORCH 197 Ferris tries the door. It's locked. He reaches down and lifts the doormat. CU. PORCH The outline of a key in the dirt under the mat. The key's gone. The toe of a chewed-up dress shoe steps INTO FRAME. An OMNIOUS CHORD IS STRUCK. CU. FERRIS He stares up in horror. HIS POV Rooney's looking down at him. He's holding the house key. EXT. PORCH Ferris stands up. He smiles. ROONEY Looking for this? FERRIS Yes. ROONEY I got you, Ferris. This time I finally got you. Ferris is caught. There's no way out. Rooney gloats severely. ROONEY How does another year of high school sit with you? Suddenly, the backdoor opens. Jeanie looks out. She feigns joy and relief. She rushes Ferris and hugs him. JEANIE Thank God, you're alright! We've been worried sick! CU. FERRIS A moment of curiosity. Then it dawns on him what's happening. He smiles. CU. ROONEY His eyes dart from Ferris to Jeanie to Ferris. His victory is evaporating. EXT. PORCH Jeanie breaks the embrace. JEANIE (to Rooney) Thank you for bringing him home, Mr. Rooney. (to Ferris) You better get up in bed tight now. Ferris limps into the house. JEANIE Can you imagine someone as sick as Ferris trying to walk home from the hospital? (shakes her head) Kids! CU. ROONEY He's dumbfounded. CU. JEANIE She raises her hands and strikes a karate pose. A huge smile passes over her face. CU. ROONEY A look of terror as he realizes that is was Jeanie who kicked him and that Jeanie knows it was he who she kicked. EXT. PORCH Jeanie steps into the house. 198 INT. HOUSE 198 The door closes on Rooney's defeated, lost, dejected, bewildered face. Not only has he lost Ferris again, he has Jeanie to deal with next year. 199 EXT. YARD. CU. DOG 199 The click of the door wakes him up. His head pops up off the grass. CU. ROONEY He senses new danger. We hear AN O.C. GROWL. Rooney squeezes his eyes shut. 200 INT. KITCHEN 200 Kimberly and Todd are sitting at the kitchen table watching TV and eating cereal. They look up at Ferris as he comes in from outside. TODD Ferris? Does my head look like it's getting bigger? Ferris leans against the counter as he tries to catch his breath. He looks at his little brother. FERRIS No, but Kimberly's is. He crosses to the refrigerator and opens it. Kimberly feels her head. KIMBERLY (to Todd) Is he serious? TODD I think so. KIMBERLY Oh, shit! Ferris takes out a bottle of orange juice out of the refrigerator and drinks straight from the bottle. Jeanie comes in. FERRIS Thanks, Jeanie. JEANIE No problem. FERRIS By the way, I borrowed some cash from you. I'll pay you back. JEANIE You don't have to. FERRIS I want to. JEANIE You don't have to. I've been ripping off your wallet for years. Ferris gives her a proud smile. 201 EXT. HOUSE 201 Joyce and Tom head up to the kitchen. 202 INT. KITCHEN 202 Ferris and Jeanie exit the kitchen as Joyce and Tom enter. JOYCE (to Todd and Kimberly) Hi, guys. KIMBERLY Is my head swelling up? 203 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 203 The foyer is jammed with floral arrangements, plants and gifts. Ferris and Jeanie step gingerly through the flowers and head upstairs. JEANIE I'm sorry I've been riding your buns for so long. FERRIS It's completely cool. JOYCE (OC) Ferris! Ferris continues up the stairs. He affects a sickly voice. FERRIS Upstairs, Mom! 204 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING 204 Ferris and Jeanie stop. JEANIE Do you know a guy named Garth Volbeck? FERRIS Vaguely. JEANIE Is he cool? FERRIS He's cool. But stay away from his brother. Ferris walks into the room, brushes the crumbs off his hands and peels off his shirt. He climbs into bed. No sooner are the covers over him than the bedroom door opens and Joyce and Tom walk in. They walk over to the bed. Joyce sits down. JOYCE Honey? CU. FERRIS The same deathly face he had in the morning. Tongue out, eyes bulging. TOM (OC) Ferris? How do you feel? He pulls in his tongue to speak. FERRIS (deathly gasp) 150% better, thank you. 205 INT. BEDROOM 205 Tom and Joyce hover over him with deep concern. FERRIS I'm much better, really. Please, don't make me stay home again. I want to go to school. I'm graduating in June and I... TOM Ferris. You're sick. There's no point pushing yourself and making it worse. FERRIS Maybe you're right, Dad. TOM I know I'm right. Joyce leans over and kisses him forehead. JOYCE How did you get so sweet? FERRIS Years of practice. Tom pats Ferris on the rump. He and Joyce exit. CU. FERRIS The hideous face. A beat and we HEAR THE BEDROOM DOOR CLOSE. Ferris looks at CAMERA. FERRIS (happy sigh) Yeah, life is a carousel. A great big crazy ball of pure living, breathing joy and delight. He rolls over on his back and puts his hands behind his head. FERRIS You gotta get one. He smiles. MUSIC UP BIG END TITLES THE END"FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" by John Hughes SHOOTING SCRIPT July 24, 1985 "FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" 1 BLACK SCREEN 1 MAIN TITLES IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND. A HOUSEHOLD IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS. KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS. FATHER'S VOICE (TOM) Where's my wallet?! SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD) YOU IDIOT!! TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY) MOM! TODD SHUT-UP! EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE) I NEED A TOWEL!! TOM JOYCE! KIMBERLY (whispers, sadistic) When you turn ten, your head's going to swell up real big like a watermelon and we're going to have to put you to sleep like they do with a dog. TODD MOM! TOM JOYCE!! JEANIE WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!! TOM Where's Mom? TODD Is my head going to swell up? TOM What?! JEANIE OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!! MOTHER (JOYCE) (screams) TOM! The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP. TODD What's that? KIMBERLY Wait! Hold still! TODD What?! KIMBERLY You heads starting to swell up!! Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the hallway. A door open. TOM (breathless) What's the matter? JOYCE (worried) It's Ferris! TOM What's wrong? JOYCE (snaps) What's wrong? For Christ's sake! Look at him! 2 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 2 An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA. His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side. 3 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 3 Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties. Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed for work. TOM Ferris? JOYCE He doesn't have a fever. But he says his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots. 4 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 4 His lifeless eyes blink. 5 INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS 5 Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead. TOM What's the matter, Ferris? JOYCE Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy. Tom takes one of Ferris' hands. TOM (discreetly) Should you call the doctor? JOYCE (whispers) He doesn't want me to. TOM Why don't you want Mom to call the doctor? Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can manage is a choked gasp. TOM What? Ferris tries again. FERRIS (raspy) Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up. He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down. FERRIS I have a test today. I have to take it. I want to get into a good college so I can have a fruitful life... JOYCE You're not going to school like this. (to Tom) Maybe I should call the office and tell them I won't be in. FERRIS I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God! He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes. His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill. JEAN Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem? JOYCE He doesn't feel well. JEAN Yeah, right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize the lawn. TOM That's enough, Jeanie. JEANIE You're not falling for this, are you? Tell me you're not falling for this. FERRIS Is that Jeanie? I can't see that far. Jeanie? JEANIE Pucker up and squat, Ferris. JOYCE (annoyed) Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school. JEANIE (angry, defeated) You're really letting him stay home? I can't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. It's so unfair. FERRIS Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie. Be thankful that you're fit and have your health. Cherish it. JEANIE (to herself) Oh, I wanna puke. She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister, KIMBERLY peek into the room. KIMBERLY Myocardial infarction? JOYCE Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right down. KIMBERLY Syphilitic meningitus? That would be a huge family embarrassment. TOM Get downstairs! KIMBERLY If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo. She turns sharply and exits. TODD (worried) Dad? Does my head look alright? JOYCE Get downstairs! Now! TODD Just answer me one question! Is it swelling up? Kim said it was going to get as big as... KIMBERLY (OC) A WATERMELON! TODD (yells out the room) Shut-up! JOYCE Get downstairs! NOW! Todd backs out of the room. FERRIS I'll be okay. I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll have an aspirin around noon. JOYCE (to Ferris) I'm showing houses to the family from California today but I'll be in the area. My office'll know where I am, if you need me. TOM I'll check it with you, too. FERRIS It's nice to know I have such loving, caring parents. You're both very special people. 6 CU. FERRIS 6 He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids. 7 INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE 7 She strokes Ferris' hair. JOYCE I hope you feel better, pumpkin. She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his shoulder. TOM Get some rest. 8 CU. FERRIS 8 Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents to the door. JOYCE (OC) We love you, sweetie. TOM (OC) Call if you need us. They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across his lips. FERRIS They bought it. The MTV theme music ROARS IN. 9 CU. TV SCREEN 9 The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing. 10 INT. BEDROOM 10 Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight. FERRIS Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. (looks out the window) What a beautiful day! He turns from the window. FERRIS Parents always fall for the clammy hands. It's physical evidence of illness. It's a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are generally pretty hip to the fever scams. And to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school. He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV broadcast. A NEW SONG begins. FERRIS Fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so if high school. Right? He equalizes the sound a little. FERRIS This is my ninth sick day with semester. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely must make this one count. He exits into the hallway. 11 INT. BATHROOM 11 Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with Jean's debris. He turns on the shower water. FERRIS I don't care if you're fifty five or seven, everybody needs a day off now and then. It's a beautiful day. How can I be expected to handle high school? He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops up. FERRIS I do actually have a test. That wasn't bullshit. He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the shower door we see Ferris' outline. FERRIS That I care about it was. 12 INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL. 12 Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up. It's moulded into a fin with shampoo. FERRIS It's on European socialism. I mean, really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a shit if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. He turns the shower head around and uses it like a microphone. FERRIS (sings) WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY, TWIST AND SHOUT... 13 INT. HALLWAY. LATER 13 Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different color. FERRIS Not that I condone fascism. Or and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. John Lennon said it on his first solo album. "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. Afterall, he was the Walrus. He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it. FERRIS I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people. He passes CAMERA and goes into his room. FERRIS (OC) I'm not very political? Let me put that into perspective... 14 INT. BEDROOM 14 Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed. FERRIS My uncle went to Canada to protest the war, right? On the Fourth of July he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my Dad he felt guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam. So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle Jeff? In wartime you want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. It took you twenty years to find out you don't believe in anything?" (snaps his fingers) Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks. (pause) Be careful when you deal with old hippies. They can be real touchy. He opens his door. 15 INT. CLOSET 15 The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts. FERRIS My mother was a hippie. But she lost it. She got old. If she listens to the White Album now? She doesn't hear music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is her favorite drug. It'll probably be mine, too. I hope not. He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and puts it on. He drops the towel. 16 INT. BEDROOM 16 He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the top of the dresser. He picks it up. FERRIS In eighth grade a friend of mine made a bong out of one of these. The smoke tasted like glue. He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he speaks. FERRIS His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I like him. I'm probably his only friend. I do what I can for him. I mean, if I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others, right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station. His father's dead and his sister's rumored to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit. She only puts out so people will hang out with her. It's sad but I don't hold it against her. Better to hold it against the guys who use her and don't care about her. (pause) My parents never allowed Garth over here. It was because of his family. Mainly his older brother. He's in jail. I could see them not wanting his brother here because he is a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here. I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of artificial fruit just so he could see what it was like to have his stomach pumped. But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights with the parents on that point. I always felt for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once and I was laying on the dark worrying that his brother was going to come in and hack me to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". ... Nothing was wrong. There was no specific thing he was crying about. In fact, he wasn't really even aware that he was crying. He just cried himself to sleep every night. It was a habit. The guy's so conditioned to grief that if he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How could you possibly dump on guy who has to deal with that kinda shit? My parents acknowledge the trudge of the situation and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel for him but still the guy's banned from our house. He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his speech as he disrobes. FERRIS Unfortunately, now my parents have a legit argument. Garth doesn't need his brother to give him a rep anymore. He's getting one on his own. He's lost. It's over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from school. Gone from life. His legacy is a gas station. 17 INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE 17 Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely different outfit. FERRIS One very serious danger is playing sick is that it's possible to believe your own act. 18 INT. KITCHEN 18 Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the refrigerator. FERRIS That and boredom. Alot of people ditch and feel great for about an hour. Then they realize there's nothing to do. TV and food. I myself have ditched and gotten so bored I did homework. Figure that shit out. He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice. FERRIS You have to plan things out before you take the day off. Otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy. He crosses to the pantry. FERRIS You blow your day and at about three o'clock, when everybody's out of school, you're going to wish you'd gone to school so you could be out having fun. He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos. FERRIS Avoid the misery. Plan your day. Do it right. 19 INT. FAMILY ROOM 19 Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair. FERRIS There's alot of pressure at work in my age group. And it's not always recognized. He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in his lap. FERRIS Some guy whose hair is falling out and his stomach's hanging over his belt and everything he eats makes him fart, he looks at someone like me and thinks, "This kid's young and strong and has a full, rich future ahead of him, what's he got to bitch about?" 20 CU. PHONE 20 He punches out a number. 21 INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 21 He remote controls the TV on. FERRIS That's just one reason why I need a day off every now and then. 22 EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE 22 A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER. 23 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 23 It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words. CAMERON Food...shelter...no...yes... The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker phone button. CAMERON (weak) Hello? FERRIS' VOICE Cameron! What's happening? CAMERON Very little. FERRIS' VOICE How do you feel? CAMERON Shredded. FERRIS' VOICE Is your mother in the room? Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth. CAMERON She's not home. Where are you? FERRIS' VOICE Home. 24 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 24 Ferris is sprawled out in the chair. FERRIS I'm taking the day off. Get dressed and come over. CAMERON'S VOICE I can't. I'm sick. FERRIS It's all in your head. Come on over. 25 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 25 Cameron's insistant. CAMERON I feel like complete shit, Ferris. I can't go anywhere. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come on over and pick me up. Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone. CAMERON I'm dying. The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button. FERRIS' VOICE You're not dying. You just can't think of anything good to do. 26 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM 26 Ferris hangs up. FERRIS If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has alot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. I've come close myself. But I like him. He's a little easier to take when you know why he's like he is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon by French but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. (after-thought) And Cameron would worry that he'd owe taxes on it. 27 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 27 We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A shoe's POV. TEACHER'S VOICE Albers? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Anderson. GIRL'S VOICE Here. CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine loafers... TEACHER'S VOICE Anheiser? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Busch? GIRL'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that it's empty. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? GIRL'S VOICE He's sick. (pause) My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. TEACHER'S VOICE (weary) Thank you, Simone. GIRL'S VOICE (cheery) No problem whatsoever. TEACHER'S VOICE Drucker? BOY'S VOICE What? WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD. 28 CU. TV 28 THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase at the end. INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve. CU. TV Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve. He gives it a twist. CU. FERRIS He throws himself back against the chair. CU. TV The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws Humongous back in his seat. CU. FERRIS He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high speed ride. CU. TV The was wagon hurtles down the road. CU. FERRIS He rears back in horror. CU. TV The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the tanker truck. CU. FERRIS Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision. CU. TV IMPACT! MOZART COMES UP. 29 CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH 29 Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch. Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen. Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is sitting on her bed going through a purse. FERRIS This is really degrading. He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill. FERRIS Financing my activities this way. Very damaging to the self-image. But, hey, I'm broke. In times of crisis one must to what one must to. I'll pay it back. With interest. He comes up with a five. FERRIS Regardless of how much shit sisters make you eat, how often they rat on you, how gross they act or how wicked and insensitive they can be, you should not alientate them. Because most likely they have cash and it's usually very easy to get your hands on. He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY" COMES UP. 30 INT. LIVING ROOM 30 The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions. CU. SOFA Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice. 31 INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM 31 Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another crumpled bill surfaces. 32 CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP 32 A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops them up. 33 CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET 33 An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing. 34 CU. KITCHEN DRAWER 34 Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a dollar bill. 35 CU. COIN COLLECTION 35 The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the quarters are being popped out of their slots. 36 CU. VACCUUM CLEANER 36 The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth. 37 CU. SNOOPY BANK 37 It's being shaken furiously. 38 CU. BIRTHDAY CARD 38 It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp, new five. 39 INT. HALL CLOSET 39 The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door. 40 CU. FLOOR AND BED 40 Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed. 41 CU. BANK 41 It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally, a five dollar bill. 42 INT. KITCHEN 42 Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table. 43 CU. TABLE LEG 43 Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used to balance the table. 44 INT. KITCHEN 44 Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter. 45 CU. FERRIS' BED 45 A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The SONG ENDS. 46 EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING 46 A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town. 47 INT. OFFICE 47 Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN. They're also real estate agents. JOYCE No one's going to consider a house with a black living room. Not even those jerks from Vermont. Let's be realistic. AGENT 1 Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against putting any money into the house. Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call. JOYCE Joyce Bueller. Her eyes open wide with alarm. JOYCE Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to call. 48 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL 48 A modern, suburban high school. MAN'S VOICE Are you aware that your son is not in school today? 49 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 49 It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students. JOYCE'S VOICE Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I had a meeting first thing this morning. I should have called. It completely slipped my mind. 50 INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 50 A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside the office. DEAN'S VOICE Are you also aware that Ferris does not have what we consider an exemplary attendance record? 51 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN 51 It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAD OF STUDENTS. The dean's feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced dress shoes. JOYCE'S VOICE I don't understand. DEAN'S VOICE I just had his file up. INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point of arrogance. ROONEY I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller. Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from the desk and turns in his swivel chair. ROONEY If Ferris thinks he coast this last month and still graduate, he's sorely mistaken. JOYCE'S VOICE This is all news to me. CU. COMPUTER MONITOR The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records. ROONEY'S VOICE So far this semester alone, he's been absent nine times. Including today. JOYCE'S VOICE Nine times? Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a number 2. INT. OFFICE Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen. ROONEY I have it right here in front of me. He's missed... He looks closer at the screen. 52 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 52 Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up on the screen. FERRIS I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign? 53 INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE 53 She's still on the phone with Rooney. JOYCE I can give you every assurance that Ferris is home and that he is, in fact, very ill. I debated whether or not I should even leave him. I can appreciate that at this time of year children are prone to taking the day off, but in Ferris' case, he's truly a very sick boy. 54 INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM 54 MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR. CU. SPEAKER The grille cloth is throbbing. CU. LED METERS The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone. CU. TV MONITOR We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck. He's playing. CU. VIDEO CAMERA A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape. 55 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 55 He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He sighs deeply and fall back on the bed. 56 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 56 Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A GIRLFRIEND comes up to her. GIRL I'm really sorry about your brother. JEANIE What're you sorry for? I have to live with the trouser snake. GIRL No, I mean I heard he's really sick. JEANIE Who said he's sick. GIRL A whole bunch of people. They said he's like on the verge of death. Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl. GIRL This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's really sweet isn't he? She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment. She kicks her locker shut. 57 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 57 He's in bed on the phone. FERRIS A sample of my blood was sent to Atlanta to the Center for Disease Control. I don't know, man, I'm bricking heavily. (point to the phone) Freshman. (to the phone) Did you see Alien? When the guy had the creature in his stomach? It feels like that. 58 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 58 A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news. BOY Goddamn! Are you kidding? SECOND BOY What? BOY Did you see Alien? SECOND BOY No. BOY You never rented the video cassette? Second boy shakes his head, no. BOY Oh. He's really wasted. THIRD BOY (to the Second Boy) Who's he talking to? SECOND BOY Ferris Bueller. You know him? THIRD BOY (excited) Yeah. He's getting me out of summer school. BOY Anyway, I appreciate you letting us know how you're doing. We gotta split. (pause) Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on. SECOND BOY (to Third Boy) Shit. I hope he doesn't die. I can't handle summer school. The boy snatches a passing GIRL. BOY Did you see Alien? GIRL Yeah, why? He hands her the phone. GIRL Hello? (pause) Who? (pause) Hi, Ferris. How's your bod? (jaw drops) Oh, my God! You're dying? Is it serious? (pause) Shiit! Are you upset? 59 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 59 Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder. ROONEY I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him! SECRETARY With your bad knee, you better not throw anybody, Ed. Rooney stares at her for a long beat. ROONEY What's so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is that he gives the good kids bad ideas. The last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. SECRETARY He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, they all adore him. ROONEY That's exactly why I have to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere. SECRETARY (impressed) Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just now. Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile. ROONEY Really? He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint. 60 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 60 It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives past the house. 61 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 61 He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude. FERRIS Cameron, if you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. I'm serious, man. This is bullshit, making me wait around the house for you. 62 INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM 62 Cameron's back in bed. CAMERON I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't you leave me alone? FERRIS' VOICE You're not up for some good times? It's a beautiful day. It's almost summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be surfing. 63 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 63 He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness. FERRIS You want to stay home and try to have the shits? Try to barf? Try to feel worse? CAMERON'S VOICE I don't have to try. FERRIS Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol and get dressed. You're boring me with this stuff. The other phone line rings. FERRIS Squeeze you buns for a second. I got another call. He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath. FERRIS H--hell-o? 64 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN 64 A LaSalle Street office tower. TOM'S VOICE Ferris? 65 INT. TOM'S OFFICE 65 He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman Miller desk and chair. TOM You sound miserable. FERRIS' VOICE Really? Darn! I thought I was improving. TOM Were you sleeping? FERRIS' VOICE I was trying to do some homework. 66 CU. COMPUTER MONITOR 66 A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making. FERRIS (OC) I'm so worried about falling behind. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke. FERRIS Dad? Can you hold on a second? TOM'S VOICE Sure, pal. Are you alright? FERRIS Just a little phlegm on the phone. Hold on. He puts his father on hold. FERRIS Cameron? It's my Dad. CAMERON'S VOICE Oh, that's just great. Are you busted? FERRIS It's completely cool. He's just checking up on me. Now, listen to me. I'm working on getting some heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you can do is hurry up and get over here. Bye. He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to his sick voice. FERRIS Sorry, Dad. The moment before you called, I had a chest spasm and I blew lung fluid all over the place. It was making me ill looking at it. But gee, it's sure great of you to call. I'm sure there're alot of fathers who wouldn't take time out from their busy schedules to call a dumb, sick teenager. TOM'S VOICE Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do? Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The screen dumps the drawing. FERRIS Give yourself some credit, Dad. It was a mammoth gesture. It's like those savings bonds you used to give me every Christmas. (looks at CAMERA and smiles) It was that kind of concern. CU. COMPUTER SCREEN A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA". INT. FERRIS' ROOM He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the desk. He lights a cigarette. FERRIS You had to work hard for the money to buy those things, right? TOM'S VOICE Not any harder than anybody else. Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them. 67 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN 67 Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard. Pedestrians stop to look. 68 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 68 He blows a smoke ring. FERRIS You work so hard I'll bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right? Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father. TOM'S VOICE Wrong. He nods. FERRIS Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're just trying to cheer me up. TOM'S VOICE Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox in my closet. Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what he wants. FERRIS (to CAMERA, normal voice) Was that a class move or what? The guy gave it up faster than a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my kids don't pull this shit on me. (thinks) Of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and I'd have to support them until I die. I take it back. (to the phone, sick voice) Dad? All this talking has made me kind of light-headed. I think I better lie down. TOM'S VOICE Okay, pal. You take care. I'll call you after lunch. FERRIS You don't have to, Dad. TOM'S VOICE I want to. Bye now. He hangs up. Ferris sighs. FERRIS You win some, you lose some. He turns his desk chair around and gets up. FERRIS I'm so disappointed in Cameron. Twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out. 69 INT. CAR. CAMERON 69 He's sitting behind the wheel of his car. CAMERON We're gonna get caught. No doubt about it. He cuts the engine. CAMERON I'm not doing it. He sits for half a beat. CAMERON He'll keep calling until I come over. He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat. CAMERON Actually, what'll happen is I'll get caught. Ferris'll escape. Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC. 70 CU. DRESSER DRAWER 70 Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for the pictorials as he speaks. FERRIS Cameron'll go on like that for a good thirty minutes. The guy is a shellfish when it comes to making a decision. The reason he doesn't fell good is, he worries about everything. He's the only guy I know who's deeply concerned that when he grows up there'll be a critical shortage of strategic metals. He exits the room. 71 INT. HALLWAY 71 Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway. FERRIS Cameron's also the only guy I know who knows what strategic metals are. (waves the magazine) Pardon moi. He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM DOWN. FERRIS (sings) MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED... 72 INT. CLASSROOM. LATER 72 A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture. TEACHER Roosevelt's health had seriously deteriorated by the time he met with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta. (sneezes) Pardon me. The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear. SLOANE She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously. INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks at the kids. NURSE Sloane Peterson? SLOANE Sits up in her seat. NURSE She's a picture of compassion and understanding. NURSE May I see you outside for a moment? There's been an emergency. SLOANE A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she looks to the GIRL next to her. SLOANE (whispers) Dead grandmother. 73 INT. HALLWAY 73 The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand. NURSE (nods solemnly) Dead grandmother. 74 CU. ROONEY 74 He has a suspicious look on his face. ROONEY Dead grandmother? INT. DEAN'S OFFICE Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from him. SECRETARY That's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane. ROONEY Who's this girl's going with? SECRETARY It's so hard to tell. I see her alot with Ferris Bueller. Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed. ROONEY Could you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number? As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone rings. She stops and answers the desk phone. SECRETARY Edward Rooney's office. (pause) Yes. Can you hold? Thank you. She puts the call on hold. SECRETARY It's Mr. Peterson. Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for the phone. SECRETARY Do you still want his number? Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and backs out. He punches the phone button. ROONEY Ed Rooney. MAN'S VOICE Ed? This is George Peterson. ROONEY How are you today, sir? MAN'S VOICE We've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr. Peterson. ROONEY I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to release Sloane. You produce a corpse and I'll release Sloane. I want to see this dead grandmother firsthand. The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney in horror. He covers the phone. ROONEY (whispers) It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let his walk right into it! (to phone) That's right. Cart the stiff in and I'll turn over your daughter. It's school policy. Was this your mother? Rooney's other line rings. 75 INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE 75 She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other line. SECRETARY Ed Rooney's office. Her jaw drops. SECRETARY Hold, please. She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into Rooney's office. 76 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 76 Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line. ROONEY I'll tell you want, you don't like my policies, you can just come on down and smooch by big old ugly ass. You hear me? The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously. Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her foot. Rooney covers the phone. ROONEY What!? SECRETARY Ferris Bueller's on line two. CU. ROONEY'S FOOT It freezes in mid-tap. CU. ROONEY'S HAND The pencils falls from his fingers. CU. ROONEY'S FACE A mask of horror. He glances at the phone. CU. PHONE The second line light is flashing. CU. ROONEY He blinks, cocks his head, twitches. 77 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 77 He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he used on his father. FERRIS Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb you at work but I was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I may need. 78 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 78 He's staring blankly ahead. FERRIS' VOICE Thank you, sir. He nods. CU. PHONE Rooney's finger gingerly presses the button on the waiting call. CU. ROONEY He winces as he returns to the first call. 79 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. KITCHEN 79 Cameron's on the phone in the kitchen. He's doing a deep, phoney "father" voice. CAMERON You oughta be sorry for Christ's sake! A family member dies and you insult me. What's the matter with you, anyway? 80 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 80 He apologies profusely to Cameron. He's perspiring, trembling. ROONEY I don't know. I thought you were someone else. You have to know, sir, that I would never deliberately insult you. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am. CAMERON'S VOICE Pardon my French but you're an asshole! Rooney nods enthusiastically. ROONEY Absolutely! I most certainly am. 81 INT. KITCHEN 81 Cameron lays into Rooney. CAMERON This isn't over yet, buster. You just make sure my daughter's out in front of the school in ten minutes. Do you read me? ROONEY'S VOICE Load and clear, Mr. Peterson. CAMERON Call me sir, goddamn it! ROONEY'S VOICE Sir. CAMERON That's better. Ferris strolls into the kitchen to catch the last of the conversation. Cameron covers the phone. CAMERON (to Ferris) I'm scared shitless, Ferris! What is Rooney guesses my voice! FERRIS Impossible. You're doing great. Cameron sighs and goes back to the phone. CAMERON (clears his throat) I don't have all day to bark at you so I'll make this short and sweet. Ferris gives Cameron an enthusiastic thumbs up. FERRIS (mouths) Great! Cameron smiles proudly. CAMERON I want my daughter out in front of the school in ten minutes. By herself. I don's want anyone around... Ferris smacks Cameron. He's said the wrong thing. He covers the phone. CAMERON What'd I do? FERRIS Out in front my herself? It's too suspicious! He'll think something's up, moron. Cover it. Cameron panics. He holds the phone out to Ferris. CAMERON You do it! Ferris waves his arms angrily. FERRIS Talk! Cameron takes a deep breath. He clears his throat and puts on his father's voice. CAMERON I changed my mind, fella. You be out in front with her! I wanna have a few words with you! Ferris slaps Cameron. The phone flies out of his hand. 82 CU. ROONEY 82 He winces as the phone hits the floor with a loud CLONK! We HEAR THE BOYS SCRAMBLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE, THEN CAMERON CLEARING HIS THROAT. CAMERON'S VOICE On second thought, I don't have time to talk to you. We'll get together soon and have lunch. We HEAR A SLAP AND THE CALL DISCONNECTS. 83 INT. FERRIS' KITCHEN 83 Cameron's rubbing the side of his head. CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me? FERRIS Where's your brain? CAMERON I asked you first. FERRIS How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney's going to be there with her?! CAMERON I said for her to be there alone and you freaked! FERRIS My, God, you're so stupid! (aside) I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped you. CAMERON You hit me. Look, don't ask me to participate in your crap if you don't like the way I do it! Ferris is incredulous at Cameron's stupidity. Cameron's anger is intensified by his embarrassment. CAMERON I was home, sick. You get me out of bed, being me over here, make me jeopardize my future, make me do a phoney phone call on a dean of students, a man who could squeeze my nuts into oblivion and then you deliberately hurt my feelings. FERRIS I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings. CAMERON Oh, really? FERRIS Yeah, really. Cameron glares at Ferris. CAMERON Hey, Ferris? Have a nice life. He turns and heads out of the room. Ferris sighs. FERRIS Cameron? CAMERON Stick it up your ass, Ferris. FERRIS Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jam you. It was uncalled for. Cameron stops. CAMERON You're serious? He turns around. FERRIS Dead serious. Cameron smiles. He appreciates Ferris apology. CAMERON Thanks. FERRIS You did screw up through, right? Not that is was necessarily all you fault. Right? CAMERON (suspiciously) Why? FERRIS To fix this situation, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor. Cameron's jaw drops. 84 INT. GARAGE 84 The door opens slowly, dramatically as we hear a heraldic fanfare. Light streams in to reveal Cameron and Ferris looking at the car. Ferris is smiling with excitement and awe. Cameron is frowning with trepidation and fear. CU. FERRARI STALLION The prancing black stallion. We move up from the stallion to the erotic red hood of a 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. CAMERON AND FERRIS Cameron's face is ashen. The end of the world is at hand. Ferris is in heaven. CAMERON (grim monotone) 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. Less than a hundred were made. It has a market value of $265,000. My father spent three years restoring it. It is joy, it is his love, it is his passion. FERRIS It is his fault he didn't lock the garage. CAMERON Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself. We can't take is out. FERRIS A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile. CAMERON He never drives it, Ferris. He just rubs it with a diaper. FERRIS We can't pick up Sloane in your car, Cameron. Rooney'd never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit. CAMERON It's not a piece of shit. FERRIS It's a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours. Look, I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do. CAMERON He knows the mileage, Ferris. He has it tatooed on his wrist. FERRIS He doesn't trust you? CAMERON No. FERRIS Alright, look, this is real simple. He puts his arm around Cameron. FERRIS Whatever miles we put on it, we'll take off. CAMERON (suspicious) How? FERRIS (big, proud smile) We'll drive home backwards. Cameron shakes his head, no. CAMERON Forget it. I'm putting my foot down, Ferris. You'll have to think of something else... CU. FERRARI GRILLE Cameron's protests are drowned out by the distinctive roar of the twelve cylinders. CAMERON'S VOICE ...You're not talking me into this one. I have to live with the man. I'm sorry but... The roar of the engine is overtaken by the sound of a crowded school hallway. 85 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 85 She comes out of a classroom. She stops as Sloane and Rooney walk past. Sloane has her coat on and she's carrying her books. Jeanie watches her suspiciously. 86 EXT. SCHOOL 86 The Ferrari is parked out in front. The top is down. 87 INT. FERRARI 87 Ferris is driving. He's wearing a man's hat and sunglasses. Cameron's in the back. CAMERON Are you crazy?! Put the top back up! FERRIS This is perfect top-down weather. CAMERON What about Rooney? FERRIS Cameron, the more obvious we are, the less likely we are to get caught. CAMERON That makes no sense whatsoever. FERRIS The adult mind is a suspicious machine. (look around at Cameron) Stay down, man. Cameron squeezes himself lower. CAMERON Howcome it's my Dad's car and I'm taking all the risk and I have to ride back here? FERRIS I don't have an explanation. 88 EXT. SCHOOL 88 Rooney and Sloane come out the door. ROONEY Once again let me say how deeply saddened I am by your loss. SLOANE Huh? ROONEY Were you close to your grandmother? SLOANE Oh. Um. Yeah. Very. She was a terrific lady. Very hip. Very old. Yeah. DEEP VOICE Oh, Sloane! Dear! Sloane looks across at the Ferrari. Rooney looks. THEIR POV Ferris is looking out across the roof of the Ferrari. He's careful to keep his nose and mouth below the roofline. FERRIS Hurry along now! EXT. SCHOOL Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty farewell. SLOANE I guess that's my Dad. Thanks. See ya. She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does compute for him. 89 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 89 She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away. 90 EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY 90 He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him. 91 INT. FERRARI 91 Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console and gives Ferris a kiss. SLOANE This is so great! I can't believe it! Right in front of Rooney! She laughs and turns to Cameron. SLOANE Hi, Cameron. You comfortable? CAMERON Hi. No. SLOANE What a fabulous car! CAMERON Enjoy it quick. It' s going home. FERRIS It was risky, it was bold but it was totally necessary. SLOANE What're we gonna do? FERRIS The question isn't "what are we gonna do", the question is "what aren't we going to do." CAMERON Don't tell me we're not going to take the car home. Please. FERRIS (to CAMERA) If you had access to a car like this would you take it back right away? Would you give up feeling like a ton just to ease your best friend's tension? He smiles. FERRIS Either would I. 92 EXT. STREET. FERRARI 92 It accelerates away like a shot. 93 EXT. SUBURBAN BANK 93 A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53. The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot. 94 INT. BANK. DOORS 94 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom. Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an open teller window. INT. BANK. TELLER A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees Ferris. TELLER Ferris Bueller? FERRIS He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches. FERRIS Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you? TELLER She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the hair and smiles at it's reappearance. TELLER I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so I'm a little pooped but other than that, I'm as chipper as can be. (something occurs to her) Say, should you be in school? FERRIS He lays his savings bonds on the counter. FERRIS Me? (polite laugh) I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling. In fact. I'm married. This is my wife...Madonna. Sloane suppresses a laugh. FERRIS (to Cameron) And this is my brother-in-law, ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling. Cameron isn't amused. TELLER (to Cameron) Is Top a Slavic name? CAMERON Yeah. FERRIS I'd like to cash these in, please. We're having a baby and we need the cash for a crib, clothes, diapers, food pellets, leash, water dish... INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line drive. TELLER A baby! (to Sloane) You must be so excited. Cameron groans and turns away from the sham. SLOANE I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially looking forward to wearing those jeans with the stretch panel in front. Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds. TELLER Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? SLOANE Actually, we're hoping for a car. CU. CAMERON He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again. HIS POV Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored, sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers. CU. CAMERON It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder. CAMERON Shit... INT. BANK. JOYCE Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm. INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds. TELLER These bonds aren't mature. If you hold onto them another two years you'll get an additional four dollars... FERRIS I'm aware of that. TELLER You're throwing away four dollars. FERRIS No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the government. They need it. Do you know what an aircraft carrier's going for these days? INT. BANK. JOYCE She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out. INT. BANK. DOOR Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce. JOYCE Mrs. Froeling, how are you? MRS. FROELING I passed a kidney stone Tuesday. (shifts gears, to Joyce) Say, you must be very proud. Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about. MRS. FROELING (whispers) I met Madonna. She pats Joyce on the arm. MRS. FROELING She told me everything. Keep me posted, I'll want to send a gift. She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are completely baffled. 95 EXT. BANK 95 Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking lot. JOYCE My son's home sick today. If you wouldn't mind, on our way back to the office, I'd like to just run in and check up on him. We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car. MOTHER Of course. They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look on proudly. 96 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 96 His secretary is dialing a number for him. SECRETARY This is the Peterson's home. She hands the phone to Rooney. SECRETARY Watch your mouth this time. Rooney glares at her. ROONEY Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's no doubt in my mind. That's what I was saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped. He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing now. See? The secretary nods. SECRETARY And her grandmother, too. 97 CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE 97 It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an awful lot like Sloane. SLOANE We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a death in the family. If you need to reach us we'll be at the following number... 98 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 98 Rooney quickly takes down a number. 99 EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE 99 His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice. CAMERON'S VOICE You have reached the Coughlin Bros. Mortuary. We are unable to come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number... 100 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 100 Rooney hangs up the phone. ROONEY Something's going on, goddamn it. The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk. She's not listening to him. SECRETARY There's a railroad strike. ROONEY And I'm going to stop it! SECRETARY My brother-in-law'll appreciate it. Rooney looks at her, puzzled. ROONEY What? SECRETARY My brother-in-law rides the train to work. Rooney stares at her like she's crazy. ROONEY Who gives a good goddamn? 101 EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY 101 The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil Building. 102 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 102 Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with a Coke can. KID Yo. We're collecting money to buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney. Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions her brother's scan has reached. KID They run about fifty g's so it you could help out... JEANIE Go piss up a flagpole! KID Huh? She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall. The kid yells after her. KID Hey, babe! Some day you might need a favor from Ferris Bueller! Then where'll you be?! He reaches for the can. KID Heartless wench... 103 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE 103 The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage. EXT. GARAGE Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits. CAMERON We can't leave the car here! FERRIS Why not? CAMERON Because we can't! I want it back home where it belongs! SLOANE What could happen to it? CAMERON It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched, you name it. FERRIS I'll give the guy a five to watch it. CAMERON What guy? CU. PARKING ATTENDANT He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee. EXT. PARKING LOT The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a give. FERRIS You speak English? ATTENDANT Since I was three. FERRIS Great. I want to you take extra special care of this vehicle, okay? He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles. ATTENDANT Like it's a beautiful woman. FERRIS I appreciate it. The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine. FERRIS See what a finski can do to a person's attitude? He's going to treat it like a beautiful woman. CAMERON Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick and piss on the hood. SLOANE Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to be so graphic? She heads down the street. SLOANE This is so right! Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side. He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads. He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris and Cameron. 104 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 104 Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up the house. 105 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 105 It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet door to the door to the room itself. INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we hear a door open and close. 106 INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY 106 Joyce quietly walks up the stairs. 107 INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY 107 Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING. CU. DOORKNOB Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a crack. HER POV The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves. CU. JOYCE She smiles and closes the door. 108 INT. ROOM. CLOSET 108 The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's original position. CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring. The snoring it simulated. 109 INT. HALLWAY 109 Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with relief and affection. 110 EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER 110 HELICOPTER SHOT moves in on the world's tallest building. As it passes we see three figures pressed against the windows. FERRIS (VO) This is the world's tallest building. From our vantage point here on the 103 floor, we are provided with a view of four states. CAMERON (VO) Do you think the car's alright? FERRIS (VO) Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and my personal favorite, Indiana. 111 INT. SEARS TOWER OBSERVATION DECK 111 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are standing against the window. CAMERON I don't feel good, Ferris. Are we gonna stay long? FERRIS Take a step back... Ferris steps back. Sloane and Cameron follow suit. FERRIS Now, lean against the glass. Like this... He leans forward, putting all his weight on his forehead. FERRIS And look down. Sloane leans forward. Cameron follows, reluctantly. SLOANE Oh, shit! HER POV The street far, far below. A dizzying view. INT. OBSERVATION DECK The three are leaning against the glass. SLOANE What if the glass gives? FERRIS Death. SLOANE Cool. CU. CAMERON He's looking down. CAMERON I think I see my Dad. 112 EXT. STREET LEVEL 112 A middle-aged man, Cameron's father, HORACE FRYE, is standing on the street corner. He's lean, clean, tough and humorless. He's wearing a puzzled look on his face. CAMERON'S FATHER I think I see my car. HIS POV The Ferrari screams down the avenue and disappears down the underground ramp. 113 INT. SEARS TOWER LOBBY 113 Ferris and Sloane bound down the escalator. Cameron follows glumly. They dance past the giant Calder mobile. They're singing. FERRIS AND SLOANE I BEEN ALL 'ROUND THIS GREAT BIG WORLD AND I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF GIRLS YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET BACK IN THE STATES BACK TO THE CUTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA 114 EXT. STREET 114 Ferris and Sloane burst out the doors garnering the annoyed stares of the business people busily going in and out of the building. Cameron politely waits his turn to exit. Ferris and Sloane head down the street. Cameron follows. FERRIS AND SLOANE I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS! 115 EXT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE 115 Giant old monolith. 116 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING ROOM 116 Traders are frantically buying and selling commodities. 117 INT. GALLERY 117 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the gallery watching the proceedings. SLOANE Do you love me? FERRIS Do you love me? SLOANE I asked you first. FERRIS Yes. You? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I trash a day of education to be with you if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I risk damaging a deep and wonderfully enriching relationship with my parents if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I have introduced you as my wife if I didn't love you? SLOANE Wait a minute. That was a lie. FERRIS True. Ferris puts his arm around Sloane. FERRIS Would you want to get married? I mean if I wasn't an asshole. SLOANE Sure. FERRIS (serious) Today? Sloane stares at him. Is he serious. FERRIS I'm game. SLOANE No way! FERRIS I'll do it, if you will. Cameron suddenly adds his two cents. CAMERON You need a blood test. Ferris looks around at him. FERRIS Huh? CAMERON If your blood's not compatible, you could produce a pinhead. The state requires a blood test. FERRIS So? CAMERON So, you can't get married today. FERRIS Tomorrow? CAMERON If you get a blood test today. SLOANE I'm not getting married. CAMERON I'm with you, babe. FERRIS Why not? SLOANE What do you mean, why not? Think about it. FERRIS Besides being too young and your father hating my guts and not having any place to live and feeling awkward about being the only cheer- leader with a husband, give me a good reason why not. CAMERON I'll give you two. My mother and father. Ferris and Sloane look at him curiously. CAMERON They're married and they hate each other. (to Ferris) You've seen them. Am I right? FERRIS You're father's a toad and your Mom's always wired out, but so what? They're old. That's natural. CAMERON It makes me puke. Seeing people treat each other like that. It's like the car. He loves the car. He hates his wife. SLOANE My parents are divorced. So what? It's not like it doesn't happen ten thousand times a day. CAMERON Just because it happens doesn't make it right. Are you comfortable with it? SLOANE No. It's not something I can get comfortable with. I've tried. Are yours divorced? CAMERON They may as well be. SLOANE Do you think they're staying together because of you? Cameron hasn't seen it that way. He shrugs. SLOANE Do they like you? It hasn't occured to Cameron that his parents might not like him. That parental love might not be a given. CAMERON Yeah. Sure. SLOANE Consider this...my father canned me and my brother and my Mom for a twenty five year old dipso with fake tits. He dropped us like a rock. Everything was cool at our house. I thought so. We all thought so. Then BLAM! It's over. FERRIS (to CAMERA) This is all news to me. She keeps a pretty good secret. SLOANE (to Cameron) It was pure selfishness. When I have a kid, I don't care how much I want something, if it's gonna screw-up the kid, forget it. FERRIS (to CAMERA) She's not lying. CAMERON You could change. SLOANE Yeah. But I'm gonna try not to. I'm gonna think about it. I'm gonna try to prevent it. FERRIS This is optomism. It's a common trait with my age group. Adults think it's cute, it's like a charming quick that infests youth. But it's a cool thing and I think, deep down, crusty old shits wish they had some. They wish they had her, too. (points to Sloane) Sorry. She's taken. CAMERON I'd rather not have my family break apart, thank you. SLOANE Well, you know what? It ain't up to you. It's out of your hands. CAMERON So, I in other words, I should just sit back and watch it crumble? SLOANE You're merely an inhabitant in their universe. FERRIS Frightening choice of words. SLOANE They call the shots. When you split from them, you call the shots. CAMERON So, you're saying I should run away? FERRIS No. She's saying it's time for lunch. SLOANE What? FERRIS Let's go feed Cameron. They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his voice. FERRIS BUY! And he exits. Cool and casual. 118 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING FLOOR 118 It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout. We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER. ANNOUNCER Commodity prices rose sharply today in unusually heavy trading... 119 EXT. RESTAURANT 119 A French restaurant on the Gold Coast. It's noon. 120 INT. RESTAURANT 120 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant. Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book. HIS POV His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd returns. MAITRE'D (to Ferris) May I help you? FERRIS Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of three for 12:00. The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously. FERRIS Is there a problem? MAITRE'D You're Abe Frohman? FERRIS I'm Abe Frohman. MAITRE'D (chuckles) I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right now. If you have trouble finding the door... Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her. FERRIS Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am? MAITRE'D Shall I call the police? CAMERON Let's go...Abe. FERRIS I'm not going anywhere. (to the Maitre'd) Call the police. Go ahead. Better yet... (grabs the phone) ...I'll call myself. Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles smuggly. CU. PHONE Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's second line lights up and the phone rings. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the call. Ferris waves him off angrily. FERRIS You touch me and I yell "rat!" There's another phone around here. Find it. The maitre'd backs off. CAMERON Ferris, let's split, please? SLOANE Cameron's right. We're gonna get busted. FERRIS Not a chance in the world. He hands the phone to Sloane. FERRIS Ask for Abe Frohman. INT. RESTAURANT. LATER Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The maitre'd is hovering over Ferris. MAITRE'D I appreciate your understanding. FERRIS Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave us to our repast and all will be forgotten. MAITRE'D Enjoy your luncheon. FERRIS Thank you. The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed. Cameron is flushed with nerves. FERRIS Darling, you were wonderful. SLOANE Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher. FERRIS Cameron, dear friend? Cameron looks to Ferris. FERRIS And you thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you. Ferris disappears behind his menu. 121 EXT. SCHOOL 121 We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE. JEANIE (VO) Ferris Bueller's days are numbered. 122 INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM 122 Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's talking to a FRIEND. JEANIE (mean, vicious) I'm gonna bust his buns. FRIEND Why? What's the point? JEANIE Why? Because I'm sick of the little dope. He manipulates my parents, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he never gets nailed. (wicked pause) Well, babe, today I'm the hammer. She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The straps rip off in her hand. FRIEND I think he's cute. JEANIE Sweetie, it's an established fact that you have no taste. Ferris is not cute. He's not charming. He's not nice. He's not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant mule and the sooner everybody in this school comes to that realization the better off we'll all be. She displays the velcro straps to her friend. JEANIE See? My brother strokes you, you sympathize with him, I get pissed off and this is what happens! Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor. JEANIE Let me tell you something. I study hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm considerate, I'm friendly and fair to all kinds of people. Except morons. I try to be everything a good, decent person should be and you know what? FRIEND Everybody thinks you're an asshole. Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue. JEANIE Excuse me? FRIEND I don't think you're an asshole. JEANIE Who does? Her friend smiles sheepishly. JEANIE Rachel? Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but verbally confirm. JEANIE Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else? FRIEND I don't know. Just forget it. JEANIE Forget that everybody thinks I'm an asshole? Would you like everybody to think you're an asshole? FRIEND Not everybody thinks you're an asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you. JEANIE Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat fifty year old clod with B.O. likes me. Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief. JEANIE Would everybody be happier if maybe I were to die in a flaming car accident or something? FRIEND Maybe if you didn't cat like and asshole... JEANIE Am I acting like an asshole? FRIEND I didn't mean it that way. JEANIE I this a conspiracy to shit all over me or something? Is my brother behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll sock your tits. FRIEND You really do have a problem, Jeanie. JEANIE Me? I have a problem? FRIEND Somebody who threatens to sock people's tits has a problem. JEANIE Alright. How about if I sock your face? Jeanie's friend gets up. FRIEND Take a walk, Jeanie. Her friend exits. JEANIE (yells after her) If it means anything to you, I have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT! She snarls and slumps against the lockers. JEANIE He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat. 123 INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL 123 Ferris is standing at the urinal. FERRIS She's a person who views life as an ordeal that must be endured. Her body is a transport vehicle for her anger. I don't know where she gets this shit. Basically, the family's pretty cool. He looks down at the urinal. FERRIS I wonder if everybody shoots at cigarette butts in urinals? Probably not many women. (continues) I used to think that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it. It used to worry me. Then I met Cameron and I saw how his family functioned. He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal. FERRIS Cameron's home life is really shit. He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick all the time. It really upsets him. What he said about his parents hating each other? I refuse to sleep over at his house. His parents fight all the time. Even when I'm there. Is there anything worse than being at somebody's house when their parents are fighting? It's the absolute height of social discomfort. He checks his hair in the mirror. FERRIS When they go after each other, Cameron tightens up. It's scary. He gets so wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns apart with a crowbar. The thing with taking his old man's car? It's good for him. It teaches him to deal with his fear. Plus, and I must be honest here, I love driving it. I highly recommend picking one up. He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes. Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to the sink. 124 INT. RESTAURANT 124 Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're staring at the plates. CAMERON What is it? SLOANE I don't know. But it looks like it's already been eaten and digested. CAMERON I knew it was a mistake letting Ferris order for us. Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat. FERRIS What are you doing? Cameron looks at Ferris. CAMERON What is this shit? FERRIS You got me. I don't speak French. He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate. FERRIS I think it's a land-based beefoid creature. He takes a bite. He savors the taste. FERRIS Splendid. CAMERON Really? FERRIS Superb. Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively. FERRIS Good? Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes. Ferris stops him. FERRIS Yo, Clouseau! The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly. FERRIS I have a growth on my brain that causes memory lapses. Could you tell me what we ordered here? The waiter glances at the plates. WAITER Sweetbreads. FERRIS Uh, huh. And what might that be? WAITER Pancreas. FERRIS As in the gland that has important functions in digestion and metabolism? CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their mouths. CU. FERRIS He continues his questioning. FERRIS ...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid containing digestive enzymes? The home of the world famous isles of Langerhans? CU. WAITER He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal. CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They look at each other. CU. FERRIS He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue. CU. WAITER He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food. CU. FERRIS He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter. FERRIS Check, please! 125 EXT. RESTAURANT 125 Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold. FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the restaurant. FERRIS 40,000 restaurants in the downtown area and I pick the one my father goes to. CAMERON We're gonna get nabbed, for sure. FERRIS No way, Cameron. Only the meek get nabbed. The bold survive. Let's go. He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly. EXT. STREET. CAB Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab. INT. CAB Ferris slams the door. CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away. EXT. RESTAURANT Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes off. MUSIC COMES UP. 126 EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY 126 The grand old Chicago museum. 127 INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT 127 The main gallery is crowded with school kids. INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands looking like giant grade schoolers. INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane, Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process. INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out. INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray. INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart attack. INT. GERMAN U-BOAT Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button and pulls a lever. CU. PROPELLER For the first time in forty years, the screw turns. CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE The famous stages of life display which features bottled fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar. CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat. Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS. SLOANE (remorsefully) I wonder if he has a name? FERRIS (blank) Ninth Month. 128 EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT 128 From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon. CAMERON (VO) Are you guys worried about nuclear war? FERRIS (VO) Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've won our freedom, we're traveling down one of American's most scenic polluted waterways and you have to bring up nuclear war? SLOANE (VO) It is kind of raggy subject, Cam. CAMERON (VO) Regardless. It's with us every day. The possiblity of global destruction. SLOANE (VO) Don't you think it's an issue because people need something to worry about? They have to like, have some major problem that puts all their little bullshit into some kind of persepective? CAMERON (VO) Maybe. FERRIS They used to have Viet Nam. They used to have the oil crisis stuff and Iran. That's over and people have to have their big issue. It's not like somebody came up with the nuclear holocaust yesterday at noon, you know. SLOANE (VO) To answer your question...No, I'm not worried about it at all. FERRIS (VO) We don't know when the bombs going off. We do know, however, that college starts in the fall. CAMERON (VO) (dramatic, deadly serious) Do you know what a nuclear winter is? Long beat. SLOANE (VO) Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real cold and the skiing's for shit. The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME. EXT. BOAT DOCK The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat. Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed. Discussing the end of the world. SLOANE My step-father's always going off about how when he was young he was committed to all these causes. FERRIS He's full of shit. All the old hippies are full of shit. SLOANE He says I don't care about things like he did. FERRIS What's he care about now? SLOANE Baldness, fatty meats and money. FERRIS I rest my case. CAMERON What's spooky is they still control everything. They took over when they were young and they never gave it up. FERRIS One of the most frightening experiences of my young life has been observing my parents and our neighbors playing the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits. It's chilling to see people crazed with the minutia of their past. CAMERON It's human nature to like what you had better than what you have. SLOANE Agreed. A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest. LOUDSPEAKER TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING... The three look to the left. LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON The Sears Tower. CAMERON You know, this is all very interesting but I'm starving. FERRIS An hour ago you wanted to yack. CAMERON I feel better now. FERRIS Lean over and grab a fish. Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought flashes through Sloane's brain. SLOANE What comes after a nuclear winter? FERRIS Nuclear spring. 129 EXT. SCHOOL 129 Meanwhile... 130 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE 130 Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself. JEANIE It's reprehensible to squeal on your own flesh and blood...but it's for his own good. His cavalier attitude will get him into trouble later in life...and it'll continue to piss me off and I'll get so wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer and he'll ruin my life. Screw him. She slips into the Dean's outer office. 131 INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 131 Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile. SECRETARY Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering you now? Jeanie scowls at her. JEANIE Is Dean Rooney in? SECRETARY I'm sorry, he's out. Can I help you? JEANIE (condescending) I seriously doubt it. When's he back? SECRETARY I don't know. He left the grounds on personal business. 132 EXT. STREET. CU. CURB 132 A car tire rolls into FRAME and stops. Slide across to the sidewalk. Rooney's dress shoe steps out onto the pavement. Move up to reveal Rooney standing at the door of his bile-green LeBaron. Rooney peels off his shades and looks around like he's Dirty Harry. In his mind he is Dirty Harry. CU. FIRE HYDRANT Rooney's dres shoe on the hydrant. He ties his lace and pulls up his sock. EXT. STREET Rooney straightens his tie and jacket and slips into a rowdy hot dog joint. 133 INT. HOT DOG STAND 133 It's jammed with construction workers, secretaries, suburban businessmen. It's loud and confusing. Rooney pushes his way in and scopes the crowd. HIS POV A young person is playing a video game in a far corner. CU. ROONEY He suspects it's Ferris. It look sort of like Ferris. He smiles and cuts into the crowd. CU. THE BACK OF THE VIDEO PLAYER'S HEAD MOVE IN on the player. ROONEY (OC) I've been waiting a long time for this. The player looks up. ROONEY (OC) Your ass is mine. The player turns around. It's a GIRL. CU. ROONEY The blood evacuates his face. He stares at the girl. CU. GIRL She stares at him. She picks up her Coke. She puts the straw to her lips and sucks. CU. ROONEY He's still staring. He can't think of anything to say. CU. GIRL Holding the straw in the mouth, she draws it out of the cup. She raises it, pointing it directly in Rooney's face. CU. ROONEY He squints CU. GIRL She blows a strawful of Coke in Rooney's face. CU. NAPKIN HOLDER A hand yanks a napkin hold. INT. HOT DOG STAND. SERVICE COUNTER Rooney wipes his face. Behind him is the kitchen and a grease-covered TV set broadcasting a Cubs baseball game. There's a long foul ball. The TV camera follows the ball into the stands. A kid makes a stab at the ball. Rooney wipes his suit off. The TV camera zooms in on the boy triumphantly holding the foul ball aloft. It's Ferris. He does a little celebration dance. Rooney wads up the napkin and tosses it in a trashbin. The TV camera returns to the game. Rooney glances at the screen. ROONEY What's the score? HOT DOG MAN Zero to zero. ROONEY Who's winning? HOT DOG MAN Cubs. Rooney nods and exits. 134 EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS 134 Ferris sits down with the baseball. He shakes his stinging paw. On either side of him are Cameron and Sloane. Cameron's scarfing nachos. FERRIS I think I broke my thumb. SLOANE Can we leave now? FERRIS You want to leave? We just got here. SLOANE You got a call, you broke your thumb, what's left to do? Cameron offers his nachos to Sloane. She looks at them with disgust. SLOANE No wonder you're always sick. Ferris leans back, puts his hands behind his head and turns his face to the bright sun. FERRIS Do you realize that if I played by the rules, right now I'd be in gym? 135 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL. PLAYING FIELD 135 A boy's gym class is doing laps. A blue Fiat pulls into the shot. 136 INT. FIAT 136 Jeanie's at the wheel. She sneaks a glance at the school. JEANIE I can't believe my brother's making me put myself in a position where I could get expelled. Selfish little moron. (pause) Ferris? You're overshadowed me long enough. I'm gonna get you, buddy. She puts the car in gear and drives out of the shot. 137 EXT. STATE STREET 137 A parade is underway. Floats and politicians. Marching bands, drum and bugle corps, soldiers, school kids. Figure skating club in outfits and skates performing their routines on pavement. It's GERMAN-AMERICAN APPRECIATION DAY. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Riding atop on a float is Ferris. He's waving to the crowd. He and half a dozen homely German-American Beauty Queens. He's leading the girls in singing, "DANKE SHOEN". EXT. STATE STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They're watching Ferris go by. They wave to him. SLOANE I love him. CAMERON It's hard not to. Cameron breaks a smile. As worried as he is about the day and getting caught, he has to admire Ferris for his lack of inhabitions. Cameron mumbles a few words. CAMERON Stop...water...want... SLOANE Do you believe in reincarnation? CAMERON Huh? SLOANE Do you believe that you lived before? CAMERON Yeah. Sort of. SLOANE DO you ever wonder what you were? CAMERON I don't have to wonder. I know. Sloane looks at him with amazement. CAMERON I was a tractor tire. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is on his knees, reaching down from the float, shaking hands with people in the crowd. FERRIS Guten tag, dude! EXT. STATE STREET Sloane and Cameron continue their conversation. CAMERON What were you in a previous life? SLOANE I'm not sure but I think I know who Ferris was. CAMERON Hannibal. SLOANE From the A-Team? CAMERON No. The guy who rode the elephants into Switzerland. Sloane laughs at herself. They step out of the crowd and head down the street in the direction the parade's heading. SLOANE I think if he was anybody, he was Magellan. You know, the guy who went around the world. Cameron nods. SLOANE I could see him ignoring popular belief and taking off on some impossible mission. CAMERON Yeah. As long as I've known him, everything works for him. There's nothing he can't handle. I can't handle anything. School, parents, the future. Ferris can do anything. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is playing "TWIST AND SHOUT" on the accordian. The girls on the float are singing. FERRIS WELL, SHAKE IT UP, BABY, NOW! GIRLS SHAKE IT UP, BABY FERRIS TWIST AND SHOUT! GIRLS TWIST AND SHOUT! FERRIS COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, BABY ON! COME ON AND WORK IT ON OUT! GIRLS WORK IT ON OUT! EXT. STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They continue their conversation. SLOANE The future's worse for a boy, isn't it? Cameron doesn't understand what she means. SLOANE A girl can always bail out and have a baby and get some guy to support her. CAMERON That's a pretty grim thought. SLOANE True, but it's an option. No options is worse. CAMERON I don't know what I'm gonna do. SLOANE College. CAMERON Yeah, but to do what? SLOANE What are you interested in? CAMERON Nothing. SLOANE Me either. They walk on for a few beats. We HEAR "TWIST AND SHOUT" GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER. The sons is taking over all the other tunes in the band. It's infecting the entire parade. CAMERON What do you think Ferris is gonna do? EXT. STATE STREET. MARCHING BAND They're playing TWIST AND SHOUT. EXT. STREET. MOUNTED POLICE OFFICER He's singing. POLICE OFFICER YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET. PUNKS A band of PUNKS are dancing on the roof of a news kiosk. PUNKS LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN A WOMAN and her two TODDLERS sing along. WOMAN YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO FINE! TODDLERS LOOK SO FINE! EXT. STREET. BLACK TEENAGER He's wearing a shower cap and a maroon overcoat. TEENAGER COME ON AND TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. OLD NEWSPAPER SELLER He singing along. NEWSPAPER SELLER TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. CHOIR GROUP They're marching down the parade. They're singing in their angleic voices. CHOIR AND LET ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. STREET CLEANERS With their brooms ready... STREET CLEANERS KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. DECK The entire parade is singing and playing "TWIST AND SHOUT". EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The POLITICIANS and their WIVES stand up. POLITICIANS AND WIVES AH! EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The CLERGYMEN stand. CLERGYMEN AH! EXT. STREET. VETERANS Marching in formation and in WWII uniforms. VETERANS AH! EXT. STREET. FLOAT Ferris leads the Beauty Queens in the rousing finale. FERRIS AH! EXT. STREET. WIDE AND HIGH The entire parade is at frenzy pitch. PARADE AHHHHH! The SOUND OF THE VOICES blends with the SOUND OF A RED-LINED HIGH PERFORMANCE ENGINE. 138 EXT. CALUMET CITY 138 The Port of Chicago. Grim, gritty waterfront. Suddenly, Cameron's father's car flies OVER CAMERA. Like the opening shot in Star Wars. The Starship Ferrari. SLO-MO. CU. FERRARI UNDER-CARRIAGE It travels past to reveal a beautiful blue sky. SLO-MO. CU. PARKING ATTENDANT His eyes are wide with exhilaration. Mouth open, tongue out. Maniac at the wheel. SLO-MO. CU. RASTAMAN His eyes are closed. Big smile. SLO-MO, EXT. STREETS. KIDS They're looking up in the air, following the car as it flies over them. Broad, excited smiles. The car's shadow passes over them. SLO-MO. 139 CU. CAR GRILLE 139 It fills the frame and stops. We MOVE UP to reveal Rooney behind the wheel of his car. EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE Rooney gets out of his car. He looks at the house, looks up and down the street, then crosses to Ferris' house. 140 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 140 Rooney's at the front door. We see him peek in a window at the top of the door. The doorbell rings. 141 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM. COMPUTER 141 It acknowledges the doorbell. CU. CASSETTE PLAYER It clicks on. 142 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT PORCH 142 The house intercom activates. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE. FERRIS Who is it? Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY This is Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd like to have a word with you. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absenses. There's a pause. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY B.S. Come down here. FERRIS' VOICE You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after this illness has past. His voice clicks off. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY I'm not leaving until you come down and talk to me. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY I'm not leaving, Ferris. There's no response. Rooney rings the doorbell again. The pre-recorded litany starts over. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? Rooney doesn't realize that he's listening to a recording. ROONEY Don't get smart with me Ferris! FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition... Rooney leans back from the door. He can't quite figure out what's going on. But's it's highly suspicious. 143 INT. HOUSE. LIVING ROOM 143 Rooney steps through the hedges and peeks in the windows. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE inside. FERRIS' VOICE You may reach my parents at their places of business. 144 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 144 Rooney tries to peak in the kitchen window. FERRIS' VOICE I appreciate your conern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after... 145 EXT. HOUSE. BACKDOOR 145 A black rubber doggie door. The type that allows a dog to come and go as it pleases. Rooney is crouched down. He lifts the doggie door and peeks in the house. HIS POV Along the kitchen floor. Through the kitchen, into the dining room. We hear a LARGE DOG GROWL. CU. ROONEY He's peaking through the door. He hears the dog. His face freezes. FERRIS Have a nice day. EXT. HOUSE. DOGGIE DOOR A Rottweiler bursts through the doggie door in a fury of gnashing teeth and foam. 146 CU. LARGE BREASTS 146 Tassled pasties twirl like airplane propellers. CU. CAMERON, FERRIS AND SLOANE They're sitting in a booth in the garish, nearly deserted strip joint. Cameron's mouth is open in amazement. Sloane is embarrassed and revolted. CAMERON How does she do that? One goes one way, one goes the other. FERRIS She's probably schizophrenic. SLOANE Ferris, this is nauseating me. Really. I'm losing respect for you by the bucket. FERRIS You don't think it's amazing that we got in? SLOANE Who wants to get in? FERRIS Cameron looks like a toddler, for Christ's sake. I'm talking about a major achievement in false identification. SLOANE I'm not interested in watching someone jiggle their mammary glands. FERRIS Point well taken. But consider why she does it. Why she does it and you don't. SLOANE I'm not a tramp. FERRIS Maybe her life fell apart. Maybe she lost somebody. A lover. A boyfriend. A parent. A child... (to CAMERA) This kind of thing makes me a little depressed. You may think because I'm the age I am that I'm a sex maniac. That sex is all I think about. But that's not true. I'm a romantic. I think alot of people my age are. We think about love and matters of the heart. And SAT scores and acne aside, we worry about lonliness. It's a terrible thing. And we feel it. I feel it. He flips his collar up, curls his lip and affects an Elvis impression. A sappy, do-wop track FADES UP. The club lights go down. Cameron and Sloane disappear into darkness. Ferris stands up from the booth. He strolls slowly through the empty club as the stripper bumps and grinds in a pool of blue light. FERRIS You know, someone said the world's a stage and each must play a part. Fate had me playing in love, with you as my sweetheart. Act one was when we met. I loved you at first glance. You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue. Then came act two. You seemed to change. You acted strange. And why, I've never known. He climbs up on the little runway. The stripper disappears in darkness as Ferris takes over the spotlight. FERRIS Honey, you lies when you said you loved me and I had no cause to doubt you. But I'd rather go on hearing your lies than to go on living without you. Now, the stage is bare and I'm standing there with emptiness all around and if you won't come back to me, then they can bring the curtain down... Elvis fades up. The orignal recording. Ferris lip synchs with the big, dramatic florish that was the King's trademark ballad sign-off. ELVIS IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN? SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN? TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? Ferris drops his head. Like the King would. 147 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET. CAMERON'S CAR 147 Cameron's father is looking at the car. He's studying it. It looks terribly familiar. He leans into the open car and reaches for the glovebox to see if the contents will confirm if it's his. He freezes. He looks up slowly. HIS POV The Attendant and the Rastaman are glowering at him. They're holding bags of fried chicken. ATTENDANT You looking for something in my car? CU. CAMERON'S FATHER He shakes his head, no. CAMERON'S FATHER No. 148 EXT. FERRIS' TOWN. JEANIE 148 Jeanie's standing at her car. She's staring incredulously into the distance. Her mouth's open. She's shaking her head slowly. HER POV Spray-painted on the town water tower in gigantic black letters -- SAVE FERRIS BUELLER. CU. JEANIE She's furious. JEANIE I'm gonna microwave his nuts... 149 EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE 149 Afternoon traffic. 150 INT. TAXI CAB 150 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron in the backseat of a checker. Ferris is on one window, Cameron on the other. Sloane's in the middle. Ferris is talking to the DRIVER. FERRIS So... He leans forward and reads the driver's name off the city license. FERRIS So, Yuri, how long have you been in America? DRIVER One year. FERRIS What's your overall impression? DRIVER It's very good here. FERRIS Better than Russia? DRIVER Much better here than in Russia. FERRIS Clearly you've never been to an American high school. Ferris sits back. He puts his arm around Sloane. CAMERON It's getting late, Ferris. I have to get the car home. I know you don't care, but it means my ass. FERRIS You think I don't care? CAMERON I know you don't care. FERRIS That hurts, Cameron. SLOANE Jump back, Ferris, Cameron's been a good sport. FERRIS Cameron, what'd you see today? Cameron looks at him. FERRIS You saw four states, a submarine, a giant heart, seventy five dollars worth of cooked pancreas, two of the most incredible breasts ever to come out of modern plastics, major league baseball and... (quizical look) Are you gonna chuck your nachos? Cameron's staring past Ferris. He's frozen. Ferris realizes he's looking at something out the window. He turns. He freezes. HIS POV In the gridlock traffic, their cab is squeezed tight alongside another cab. In that cab is Tom. He's about a foot from Ferris. He turns and looks right into CAMERA. TOM'S POV Ferris' frozen face. FERRIS' POV Tom glances back at his paper. He pauses. Looks up. Thinks. Turns back to CAMERA. TOM'S POV Sloane is sitting where Ferris was. She's wearing sunglasses, looking bored. She turns and glances out the window. Fakes a yawn. HER POV Tom stares at her. He's baffled. He looks away. INT. CAB. FLOOR. Cameron and Ferris are on the floor. On their asses, with their backs to the back of the front seat, feet up on the seat. FERRIS (to Sloane) What's he doing? SLOANE (revolted) He's looking at me and he's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands. FERRIS What?! Sloane bursts out laughing. SLOANE Roast! She licks her finger and touches Ferris knee. She makes a sizzling sound. She collapes on the seat in hysterics. INT. TOM'S CAB Tom's looking into Ferris' cab. HIS POV Sloane's bouncing up and down. CU. TOM He can't quite figure out what's going on. He turns and slowly raises his newspaper over his face. We see on the back of the paper a small story with the headline: COMMUNITY RALLIES AROUND SICK YOUTH. 151 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD. DOG 151 The Rottweiler's chewing on a shoe. Tearing it apart. EXT. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's standing outside the fence. He's missing a shoe. His suit pants are torn from the crotch to the knee. His suit coat pocket is torn off. His hair's messed and there're grass-stains on his knees and elbows. He's looking in at the dog. ROONEY That's a $28.00 dress shoe, you worthless mutt! HIS POV The Rottweiler leaps at CAMERA. 152 EXT. CITY STREET 152 Ferris is leading the way down Michigan Avenue. He's hustling through the crowd. He has Sloane by the hand. She's jogging to keep up. Cameron's a few steps behind. He keeps bumping into people. Ferris and Sloane make the turn at Wacker Driver and disappear into the Stone Container Building. Cameron follows, mumbling again. CAMERON Money...tits...please... 153 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 153 A florist truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY MAN gets out iwth a huge floral arrangement. He heads up to the house. 154 EXT. HOUSE. PORCH 154 Rooney's sitting on the porch patting a bloody knee with his handkerchief. The delivery man hops up on the steps. Rooney looks up at him. He greets Rooney cheerily. DELIVERY MAN Howdy! He presses the doorbell. A beat and we hear Ferris' recording. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? The Deliver Man presses the intercom. DELIVERY MAN Focus on Flowers. I have a delivery. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry but I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid... ROONEY FERRIS' VOICE It's a recording, asshole. ...that in my weakened condition, I could take a DELIVERY MAN nasty spill and subject What's your problem? myself to further school absenses... ROONEY (pause) He's one of my students. You can reach my parents at their places of DELIVERY MAN business. Thank you for Little bugger's dying. stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well- ROONEY being. It will be What? remembered long after this illness has passed. DELIVERY MAN As I heard it from our mailman he was supposedly born with only half a kidney. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. DELIVERY MAN (to the intercom) Thank you. (continues) I don't know the details. But my boss had to send to Milwaukee to get more orchids. He's very popular. Rooney is flabbergasted. DELIVERY MAN Nobody's home here? ROONEY No. DELIVERY MAN You gonna be around for awhile? ROONEY I imagine so. DELIVERY MAN You wanna keep an eye on these? Rooney looks at the flowers. Then he looks at the Delivery Man. DELIVERY MAN (happy sigh) It really touches me that so many people are rallying behind this guy. I guess there's hope for the human race afterall. He hands the arrangement to Rooney. DELIVERY MAN Gotta run. He bounds off the porch and trots to the truck. Rooney looks incredulously at the arrangement. He opens the attached card. ROONEY (defeated) Oh, Christ... CU. CARD It's signed: ALL OUR BEST FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY THE ENGLISH DEPT. FACULTY AND STAFF 155 INT. RADIO STATION STUDIO 155 The number one afternoon FM rock'n roll D.J. is sitting behind his microphone. D.J. I don't know who that was or what they were playing but I apologize for it nonetheless. (pause) I have a guest with me today... 156 INT. STUDIO. FERRIS 156 He put his headphones on. 157 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 157 Jeanie's car pull in the driveway. We hear her car radio. D.J. His name is Ferris Mueller. FERRIS Bueller. Ferris Bueller. INT. CAR. JEANIE She goes into shock. Her eyes blink, her head cocks. D.J. Sorry about that. FERRIS It's cool. Jeanie draws back and punches out her radio. CU. CAR ANTENNA The impact of her blow to the radio shoots the antenna in the air. 158 INT. STUDIO 158 Ferris leans forward and adjusts the microphone. D.J. He has an incredible story. Ferris turns to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm going to tell a massive lie here. It's going to by very thick and very steamy. I think radio's a facinating medium, it challenges the imagination. Unlike television which provides the images, radio... (pause) You know this. Anyway, it's always been a dream of mine to be on the radio. I have what I consider to be an excellent broadcast voice. I practise it in the bathroom all the time. I used to play records and do introductions to them. But I've never had the chance to sit behind a microphone and try it out for real. This is a 50,000 watt outlet. I'm going out to several million people so let me just say, I'm in a very pleasant groove right now. (clears his voice, speaks into the mike, affects a "radio" voice) Well, Steve, you and your listeners are probably not going to believe this but... 159 INT. SCHOOL 159 A group of kids are sitting around a blaster. FERRIS' VOICE ...I'm the first Chicago area youth to be selected to participate in a space shuttle mission. 160 INT. STUDIO 160 Ferris turns from the mike to CAMERA. FERRIS I was going to say I knew Springsteen's home phone number and I was going to give out the number of the New Jersey State Police but I thought I might get busted. After I got flunked in driver's ed for sideswiping a mail box, which was not in any way, shape or from my fault. I was putting out a cigarette, like I was told. It was weird. I'm so used to getting in a car and lighting up, because I'm not allowed to smoke at home, that I got in the driver's ed. car and spaced completely, pulled out of the lot, lit up a 'boro and Mrs. Heller looked at me like I'd just pulled a bunny out of my nose or something and I realized what the hell I was doing and I went to put it out and hit the mail box. Anyway, I was so pissed off at her reaction to the whole thing that I considered running an ad in a sleaze magazine for a school teacher that does phone sex and I was gonna use Mrs. Heller's home number but is cost too much. I took it again and passed. But I had to work at Burger King to get the cash to pay for the driver's ed. car. The car got fixed in auto shop for nothing and I think Rooney pocketed the cash. But I can't prove it? I'm in high school, remember? He turns back to the DJ. D.J. How did you get picked for this. FERRIS It's kind of a long story but I've been doing alot of programming for NASA. 161 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 161 A even larger group of kids is listening to the blaster. They're cheering him on. 162 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD 162 The Rottweiler is laying unconscious on the lawn. The flower arrangement is scattered all over the yard and the ceramic vase the flowers were in has obviously struck the dog. The broken pieces are all around the dog's head. EXT. FERRIS HOUSE. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's smiling with great satisfaction. ROONEY Sleep tight, pooch. He hears something in the house. His head snaps around. He drops down and peek in the windows. HIS POV A glimpse of a fleeting figure. CU. ROONEY His eyes dance in anticipation of revenge. 163 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM 163 Jeanie kicks the door open. The yardstick flings the covers and the pillows beneath them in the air. She stomps in and turns off the snoring synthesizer. JEANIE I knew it! She grabs the phone and sits down. She dials a number. 164 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 164 Rooney sneaks around the side of the house. He slinks up on the porch. The front door's open. He peeks in. 165 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 165 Jeanie's on the phone. JEANIE Is Mrs. Bueller there? Where is she? This is her daughter. Do you know where she is? Do you know when she'll be back? Do you know anything? She slams the phone down. JEANIE The worm has luck like clams have body odor... She's startled by a noise downstairs. A smile spreads across her face. He's back and she's going to nail him. 166 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 166 Rooney sneaks into the house. He looks around the foyer and heads into the kitchen. 167 INT. HOUSE. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY 167 Jeanie tiptoes down the stairs. 168 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 168 Rooney sneaks through the kitchen into the den. 169 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 169 Jeanie comes down the stairs into the foyer. 170 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 170 Rooney comes out of the den, back into the kitchen. He crosses back toward the foyer. 171 INT. FOYER 171 Jeanie sneaks into the kitchen. 172 INT. KITCHEN 172 Jeanie and Rooney come face-to-face. Jeanie squeals in horror. She doesn't recognize Rooney as himself but as an intruder. She drops into a karate stance and kicks Rooney in the face. He hits the deck. She flees back up the stairs. 173 INT. CAR 173 Boyd is sitting in the backseat of Joyce's car listening to the radio. FERRIS' VOICE My input on the Star Wars defense plan was pretty substantial so I guess this is their way of rewarding me. I'm pretty flattered. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients leave a show house and head toward the car. INT. CAR Boyd looks out the window as his parents and Joyce appear. D.J. VOICE Can you stay around and take a few phone calls? FERRIS' VOICE I'd really like to but I have a kidney operation in about an hour. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients take one last look at the house. JOYCE If you're willing to commit a little time and a little money to this place, you can really have something to be proud of. Don't let the black living room throw you off. She opens the car door. INT. CAR The door opens. D.J. VOICE I wish you the best of luck. FERRIS' VOICE Thanks, Steve. D.J. VOICE A very interesting guy, Ferris Bueller. Joyce gets in. The clients get in the other side. A song starts. JOYCE (to the kid) Well, Boyd, how are you bearing up? The kid stares at her. JOYCE Did I tell you I have a son your age? BOYD Twice. JOYCE His name is Ferris. I think you'd like him. Boyd sits up in the seat at the mention of Ferris' name. BOYD Is he going up in the space shuttle in September? Joyce looks around at Boyd. She gives him a curious look. JOYCE Not that I know of. BOYD I knew he was bullshitting. MOTHER Watch your mouth. BOYD How do you watch your mouth? JOYCE Do you know my son? FATHER Don't pay any attention to him. He thinks it's cute to bait adults. BOYD I don't think it's cute. I think it's fun. Joyce give him a puzzled smile and starts the car. 174 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 174 Jeanie's on the phone. She's in a panic. JEANIE This is not a phoeny phone call. There's an intruder, male caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird, in our kitchen. (pause) My name is Bueller. There's another pause. Jeanie's face drops. JEANIE It's real nice that you hope my brother's feeling better but I'm in danger, okay? I'm very cute, I'm very alone and I'm very protective of my body. I'd rather not have it violated or killed. I need help! 175 INT. KITCHEN 175 Rooney's plugging his bloody nose with paper towel. The intercom goes on. JEANIE'S VOICE Excuse me. If whoever's in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I have just called the police. If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get your ass out of my house real quick. Rooney stiffens with fear. JEANIE'S VOICE I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun. And a scorching case of herpes. 176 EXT. STREET 176 Rooney's car is hooked to a tow truck. It's parked in front of a fire hydrant and the windshield is decorated with parking citations. In the distance SIRENS WAIL. 177 EXT. PARKING LOT 177 The three are waiting for the Ferrari. We HEAR TIRES SQUEALING, AN ENGINE REVING-OUT. Then the Ferrari pulls down the ramp and jams to a frightening stop. A BLACK GUY jumps out. Ferris hands him the parking stub. FERRIS Just out of curiosity, what was your top speed coming down the ramp? BLACK GUY (matter-of-fact) About 60. FERRIS Stunning! He hands him a buck and opens the door and pulls the passenger seat forward for Cameron. FERRIS This is probably the last time you'll have to ride back here. Keep that in mind. Cameron gives him a look and squeezes in. 178 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET 178 The Ferrari cruises through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane's in the passenger seat. Ferris is driving and Cameron is crammed in the back. SLOANE What's next. CAMERON Nothing. We return the car. SLOANE We could go to my house. My parents aren't coming home until late. FERRIS We have enough cash left for a quick flight to Peoria and back. CAMERON Very funny. Ferris looks in the mirror and changes lanes. He glances down at the speedometer, then to the road. And back to the speedometer. FERRIS Cameron? How many miles did you say this thing had when we left? CAMERON One hundred and twenty six and halfway between three and four tenths. Why? How many miles are on it now? He glances down at the speedometer. CU. SPEEDOMETER The odometer reads 432.7. FERRIS (to CAMERA) Here's where Cameron goes berserk. EXT. TRAFFIC The Ferrari pulls up at a stop light. We HEAR A THUNDERING, MUFFLED SCREAM. EXT. EXPRESSWAY The Ferrari is buzzing through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane turns in her seat and looks at Cameron. Her gesture is one of genuine support. SLOANE You okay? CU. CAMERON His eyes are frozen in a mindless, vacant stare. CU. FERRIS He looks at Sloane. He's concerned. FERRIS Hey, Cameron. It's okay. We'll fix it. CU. CAMERON He's still holding the stare. He starts to breathe heavily. He's trembling. CU. SLOANE She whips around in the seat and grabs his arms. SLOANE Cameron! Cut it out! What's wrong?! Ferris! CU. FERRIS He shoots Sloane a look. FERRIS Cameron, are you okay? It's no problem, really. Your old man won't know a thing. It's completely fixable. INT. FERRARI Sloane fires an angry look at Ferris. SLOANE Shut-up! It is a problem! For him it's a problem. Nothing's a problem for you. But it's a problem for him! So, just shut-up. She turns back to Cameron. SLOANE What can I do, Cameron? CU. FERRIS Eyes front. He knows what he's doing. 179 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. FOYER 179 The doorbell rings. The Ferris' tape is activated. FERRIS VOICE Who is it? We hear a MALE VOICE over the intercom. VOICE Anybody home? FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry that I can't come to the door right now... The tape continues as Jeanie hurtles down the stairs. JEANIE I'm saved! Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you! She jumps the last few stairs and slides to the front door. She whips it open. 180 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT DOOR 180 The door swings open. JEANIE Thank...you... Her jaw goes slack. She blinks her eyes. HER POV The Delivery Man and a young ASSISTANT are standing at the door with floral arrangements. Spread all around them are more flowers. A sexy singing NURSE and a BALLOON MAN steps up on the porch. NURSE (sings) WE HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER WE HOPE YOU'RE FELLING FIT WE... The door slams shut. 181 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET 181 Rooney's walking down the street. A school bus is crawling alongside him as kids hang out the windows. From inside we hear SHOUTING and seventeen different SONGS PLAYING ON BLASTERS. A top forty montage. KID Hey, Mr. Rooney! What're you doing? Rooney doesn't respond. ANOTHER KID Did you get in a fight? Rooney keep walking. The bus doors open. The DRIVER calls out to him. DRIVER You want a lift? Rooney takes a few more steps. He stops. The bus stops. Rooney takes a deep breath. He climbs aboard the bus. 182 INT. BUS 182 The bus is jammed with WONKS and WEINERETTES. The passengers are silent as they watch Rooney shuffle down the aisle and take an empty seat next to a skinny, myopic GIRL. CU. GIRL She looks at Rooney and smiles. She pushes her Coke bottle glasses up on her nose. CU. ROONEY He looks vacantly at her. CU. GIRL She holds her smile. GIRL I'll bet you never smelled a real school bus before. CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She holds up a candy package. GIRL Gummi Bear? CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She puts one in her mouth. GIRL They've been in pocket. They're real soft and warm. CU. BOY A rotund FRESHMAN BOY sitting across from Rooney is staring at him. CU. ROONEY He looks across to the kid. CU. BOY He leans forward. FRESHMAN BOY It's kind of like being in the belly of the beast isn't it? CU. ROONEY He turns him eyes to the front. The bus jerks forward and pulls away. 183 EXT. BUS 183 It grinds through the gears as it heads down the quiet street. The BLASTERS go back on, the SHOUTING RESUMES. 184 EXT. PARK 184 Cameron's laying on a picnic table. Sloane's sitting beside him on the table. She's stroking his hair. Ferris WALKS INTO THE FOREGROUND. He addresses CAMERA. FERRIS This may very well be for real. I think Cameron might have blown a micro-chip or two. He's always been a little keyed-up. All I wanted to do was give him a good day. We're gonna graduate in a couple of months. Then we have the summer. He'll work and I'll work. And we'll see each other at night and on the weekends but then he'll go to one school and I'll go to another. And basically that'll be it. As much as we like each other, the process of growing up will separate us. He begins to walk. We follow him. FERRIS Sloane's a bigger problem. She still has another year of high school. How do I deal with that? I was serious when I said I'd marry her. I would. This isn't just teenage infatuation. That's what my parents call it. What do they call what they have? If that's love, I'll take infatuation. CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. Sloane's stroking his hair. FERRIS (VO) Cameron's never been in love. At least no one's ever been in love with him. He's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like shit because he's gonna kiss her ass for giving him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existance. She won't respect him because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work. CU. SLOANE She's studying Cameron's face. She looks away. SLOANE Ferris? CU. FERRIS He looks to the picnic table. Then back to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm being tested here. He starts back to the picnic table. FERRIS My best friend has flipped-out. Conventional wisdom would suggest a visit to the nearest trauma center. I wouldn't fault anybody for doing that. My, personally, I think this calls for something new, something bold, something wet and wild. 185 CU. JACUZZI JET 185 UNDERWATER SHOT. A hyrdojet spews a gush of air bubbles. CU. BLASTER A finger pushes the PLAY button on the cassette. MUSIC COMES UP. CU. BEER CAN LID The finger pops a beer. CU. OREO PACKAGE A painted fingernail pierces the cellophane wrapper. INT. JACUZZI Ferris and Sloane are in Sloane's parents' Jacuzzi. Their clothes are tosssed around the deck. Cameron's been placed in a patio chair at the edge of the Jacuzzi. He's still catatonic. He's mummbling softly. Ferris is drinking a beer. Sloane's eating Oreos. FERRIS You feeling any better, Cameron? SLOANE The water's really nice. I wish you'd come in. CU. CAMERON Staring into space. CAMERON Surgery...fire...move... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They look at each other. She offers him a cookie. He offers her his beer. FERRIS Cameron? Do you think this because of the car or is it a combination of everything shitty in your life? CU. CAMERON He doesn't respond. CAMERON Music...kiss...attack... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS Sloane sips the beer. FERRIS You just can't deal with anymore shit? The car took you into the red zone? Time for a reality check? SLOANE Cameron? I could flip real easy, too. There's nothing wrong with it. At one time or another, everybody goes to the zoo. FERRIS Maybe he was actually sick. Maybe he wasn't bullshitting himself. CU. CAMERON No response. CAMERON Gesundheit...God...mercy... EXT. BACKYARD Ferris and Sloane watch their catatonic friend. CU. CAMERON He smiles. CU. SLOANE She leans forward and stares at Cameron. CU. FERRIS He cocks his head, wondering what Cameron's up to. CU. CAMERON He keels over forward. EXT. BACKYARD Cameron falls out of the chair and splashes down, face-first, into the water. Sloane screams. Ferris leaps for him. UNDERWATER Ferris struggles with Cameron's lifeless bulk. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. Ferris thrashes around in the water. UNDERWATER Ferris grabs Cameron's collar and rips him out of the water. EXT. BACKYARD Ferris sits Cameron on the edge of the Jacuzzi. FERRIS CAMERON! CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. He's lifeless. CU. FERRIS His face is a mask of terror. He shakes Cameron. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. CU. CAMERON A smile spreads across his face. CU. FERRIS He sees the smile. He stops shaking Cameron. EXT. JACUZZI Ferris and Cameron are looking at each other. Sloane's still screaming. She realizes that Cameron's okay. She stops screaming. SLOANE What? FERRIS (Cameron) You asshole! Cameron's smiling. SLOANE What? Ferris starts to laugh. Cameron explodes with laughter. Sloane's bewildered. SLOANE What's so funny? 186 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 186 Jeanie's sitting on a wooden bench with a WASTED TEENAGE BOY in a Triumph t-shirt, long hair, torn jeans, creepers, studs and chains. He's studying her. BOY Drugs? JEANIE No, thank you. I'm straight. BOY I meant, are you here for drugs? Jeanie stares at him. JEANIE Why are you here? BOY Drugs. JEANIE I don't know why I'm here. BOY Then why don't you go home? JEANIE Why don't you put your thumb up your butt? The boy stares at her. BOY You want to talk about your problem? JEANIE With you? Are you serious? BOY Yeah, I'm serious. JEANIE Blow yourself. Jeanie turns away. The boy crosses his legs. Jeanie looks back at him. JEANIE You really want to know what's wrong? The boy shrugs. JEANIE Alright. If you've got the time, I've got the troubles. In a nutshell, I hate my brother. How's that? BOY That's cool. Did you shoot him or something? JEANIE No, not yet. The boy nods. He understands the emotion. JEANIE I went home to confirm that the shithead was ditching school and a guy broke into the house and I called the cops and they picked me up for making a phoney phone call. BOY What do you care if your brother ditches school? Jeanie stares at the boy. JEANIE Why should he get to ditch school when everybody else has to go? BOY You could ditch. JEANIE I'd get caught. BOY So, you're pissed at him because he ditches and doesn't get caught? JEANIE Basically. The boy nods knowingly. BOY Then your problem is you. JEANIE Excuse me? BOY Excuse you. You oughta spend a little more time dealing with yourself and a little less time worrying about what your brother does. It's just an opinion. Jeanie stares angrily at him. Partly because he's so bold and partly because he's so right. BOY There's somebody you should talk to. Jeanie stares at him threateningly. JEANIE If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle. BOY You know him? CU. JEANIE'S HAND It curls into a fist. 187 CU. FERRARI TIRE 187 It's spinning rapidly. CY. ACCELERATOR A brick's resting on the accelerator, holding it down. INT. CAMERON'S GARAGE Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the garage. The Ferrari is jacked up. The wheels are turning. The engine's racing. CAMERON The whole time I was just thinking things over. I was like, meditating. I was thinking about the future. And I realized it doesn't make and difference if the present goes to shit. FERRIS I have a agree with you there. SLOANE Really. CAMERON I've been thinking all day that if you could only have the use of one word, what would it be? FERRIS Sloane is naked before your eyes and you're thinking about words? SLOANE God bless you, Cameron. CAMERON Thank you, Sloane. CAMERON If you guys only had one word, what would it be? FERRIS I can't believe you'd think up something like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi right in front of you. SLOANE Come on, Ferris, answer his question. FERRIS Bathroom. SLOANE I'd say... She thinks. FERRIS Cash. CAMERON It's the only word you could ever use. FERRIS Hello. SLOANE Love. FERRIS And what is you loathe somebody? Are you going to say "love" every time you see them? SLOANE It's better than "hello". FERRIS Hellos' generic. SLOANE You wanna be generic? CAMERON It's help. Cameron smiles at his wisdom. Ferris and Sloane think about it. It's a good choice. Cameron gets up and walks to the Ferrari. CAMERON The word is help. Cameron peeks in the window. CU. ODOMETER Nothing's happening. INT. GARAGE Cameron pulls his head out of the car. CAMERON Ferris? It's not working. Ferris looks up. CAMERON The miles aren't coming off, running it in reverse. FERRIS I thought that might be a problem. Let's crack open the odometer and roll it back by hand. Cameron shakes his head. CAMERON I got a better idea. It's cool. He walks back around behind the Ferrari. CAMERON Seventeen years and I've never taken a stand. Now, I'm gonna do it. I'm taking a stand against my father, against my family, against myself, against my past, my present and my future. I will not sit idly by as events that affect me unfold to change the course of my life. I will take a stand and I will defend it. When my father comes home tonight, he's finally going to have to deal with me. Good or bad, I'm taking a stand. CU. FERRIS He turns to CAMERA. FERRIS This is a big U-2 fan. CU. SLOANE She smiles proudly at Cameron. She applauds him. CU. CAMERON He's serious and determined. He has made up his mind and it appears that it won't be changed by anyone but himself. CU. TIRES It's spinning wildly. CU. MERCEDES BUMPER Cameron's foot rests on the bumper. A beat and it gives a mighty shove. CU. TIRE The spinning tires slam down on the cement. INT. GARAGE Cameron has kicked the Ferrari off the jack. It squeals out of the garage in a cloud of blue tire smoke. A $50,000 unmanned investment heading backwards down a driveway. CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They're in shock. EXT. HOUSE The Ferrari shoots down the driveway. INT. GARAGE Cameron watches the car go. He's strangely placcid about the impending disaster. Ferris and Sloane are bewildered. THEIR POV The Ferrari travels down the driveway, across the street, over the curb into the wooded property opposite the house. CU. TREE The Ferrari's brief journey ends as it smacks a tree trunk. INT. GARAGE Ferris and Sloane exchange baffled looks. They look at Cameron. He's proud and bold. FERRIS What was that about? SLOANE This has to be a dream. FERRIS Cameron? One quick question. Why'd you do that? Cameron holds his proud posture for a beat. Then a look of bewilderment comes over his face. He shoots a look to Ferris. A puzzled look. FERRIS You trashed the car. Cameron looks across the street. SLOANE Why? CAMERON I took a stand. FERRIS No, Cameron. You wrecked a car. Cameron thinks for a moment. Then he regains his confidence. CAMERON It's okay. Ferris looks across the street at the car. FERRIS I have an idea. If you're interested. Cameron looks at him. He shakes his head. CAMERON I'm gonna handle it. FERRIS I think this could work. CAMERON No, thanks. I want to deal with it by myself. SLOANE What about your one word? CAMERON You already did it. If I need it again, I'll use it. He smiles. He raises am impish eyebrow. CAMERON It's cool. I'm loose. 188 INT. POLICE STATION. OFFICE 188 Joyce is talking with the juvenile officer. Outside the office, on the bench, we see Jeanie and the boy making out. JOYCE She's never been in trouble before. This is a shock to me. First, I don't know why she wasn't at school. Second, I don't know why she'd call you with this story about a rapist. OFFICER For whatever reasons she did it, I think she'd had a good scare. JOYCE I hope so. I appreciate your calling me. I can assure you that her father and I will have a long talk with her. The gathers her purse and jacket and stands. JOYCE Thank you. OFFICER Oh, by the way, I hope you son's feeling better. Joyce looks at the officer curiously. OFFICER Tell him, all the guys at the station here are pulling for him. 189 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 189 Jeanie quickly breaks the embrace with the boy as Joyce steps out of the juvenile officer's room. She's still a little bewildered that everybody knows Ferris was ill. Jeanie wipes her lips and sits up straight. The boy adjusts his pants to better hide his passion. JEANIE (to the boy) If you keep this to yourself, I think we can probably get it on pretty good. BOY For sure. Jeanie stands up. JEANIE Hi. JOYCE Don't "hi" me, young lady. Get your stuff. Jeanie reaches down for her purse. BOY What's your name? JEANIE Jean. What's yours? BOY Garth Volbeck. 190 EXT. SLOANE'S BACKYARD 190 Sloane and Ferris are standing at the back fence. SLOANE I had a great time today. FERRIS Yeah. It was pretty cool. SLOANE You think Cameron's gonna be alright? FERRIS Sure. He had to so it, I guess. His old man had it coming. He'll be okay. I'd be worried if he'd taken my idea. Sloane smiles knowingly. SLOANE You didn't have an idea, did you? FERRIS Not a glimmer. SLOANE You're so smart. FERRIS No. I'm just real loose. He kisses her. FERRIS I'll call you tonight. Sloane nods. Ferris jumps the fence and takes off across the backyards. Sloane watches him go. A huge smile spreads across her face. SLOANE I LOVE YOU! She backs away from the fence. MUSIC FADES UP. SLOANE He's gonna marry me. I know it. She turns and runs into the house. 191 EXT. BACKYARD 191 Ferris sprints across a backyard. He jumps a plaster elf. 192 EXT. ANOTHER BACKYARD 192 Ferris vaults a fence. He runs directly for a swimming pool. He's approaching it from the side. He leaps, hits the diving board, springs off, does a flip and lands on the grass on the other side of the pool. 193 CU. BEDSPREAD 193 Neatly bundles stacks of bills and rolled coins. A significant amount of cash. CU. SLOANE She's writing. CU. PIECE OF PAPER We see a portion of the typewritten letter as she signs it. "...in the amount of $1,765.33. It gives us great pleasure to assist you in performance of your worthy and much needed survives to those so desperately in need. Sincerely, Sloane Peterson Executive Director The Ferris Bueller Foundation" 194 EXT. FERRIS' STREET 194 He's running down the middle of the street. A car honks. Ferris moves to the side. The car pulls around him. INT. CAR. Tom's at the wheel. He glances in the mirror. He does a take. HIS POV. MIRROR We see Ferris cut across a front lawn and into a house. CU. TOM He realizes it couldn't be Ferris. 195 INT. HOUSE 195 Ferris runs through the kitchen, past a WOMAN, fixing dinner and out her backdoor. The Woman looks up curiously. 196 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 196 Tom pulls in the driveway. He parks and gets out. Joyce pulls in from the other direction. 197 EXT. HOUSE. BACK PORCH 197 Ferris tries the door. It's locked. He reaches down and lifts the doormat. CU. PORCH The outline of a key in the dirt under the mat. The key's gone. The toe of a chewed-up dress shoe steps INTO FRAME. An OMNIOUS CHORD IS STRUCK. CU. FERRIS He stares up in horror. HIS POV Rooney's looking down at him. He's holding the house key. EXT. PORCH Ferris stands up. He smiles. ROONEY Looking for this? FERRIS Yes. ROONEY I got you, Ferris. This time I finally got you. Ferris is caught. There's no way out. Rooney gloats severely. ROONEY How does another year of high school sit with you? Suddenly, the backdoor opens. Jeanie looks out. She feigns joy and relief. She rushes Ferris and hugs him. JEANIE Thank God, you're alright! We've been worried sick! CU. FERRIS A moment of curiosity. Then it dawns on him what's happening. He smiles. CU. ROONEY His eyes dart from Ferris to Jeanie to Ferris. His victory is evaporating. EXT. PORCH Jeanie breaks the embrace. JEANIE (to Rooney) Thank you for bringing him home, Mr. Rooney. (to Ferris) You better get up in bed tight now. Ferris limps into the house. JEANIE Can you imagine someone as sick as Ferris trying to walk home from the hospital? (shakes her head) Kids! CU. ROONEY He's dumbfounded. CU. JEANIE She raises her hands and strikes a karate pose. A huge smile passes over her face. CU. ROONEY A look of terror as he realizes that is was Jeanie who kicked him and that Jeanie knows it was he who she kicked. EXT. PORCH Jeanie steps into the house. 198 INT. HOUSE 198 The door closes on Rooney's defeated, lost, dejected, bewildered face. Not only has he lost Ferris again, he has Jeanie to deal with next year. 199 EXT. YARD. CU. DOG 199 The click of the door wakes him up. His head pops up off the grass. CU. ROONEY He senses new danger. We hear AN O.C. GROWL. Rooney squeezes his eyes shut. 200 INT. KITCHEN 200 Kimberly and Todd are sitting at the kitchen table watching TV and eating cereal. They look up at Ferris as he comes in from outside. TODD Ferris? Does my head look like it's getting bigger? Ferris leans against the counter as he tries to catch his breath. He looks at his little brother. FERRIS No, but Kimberly's is. He crosses to the refrigerator and opens it. Kimberly feels her head. KIMBERLY (to Todd) Is he serious? TODD I think so. KIMBERLY Oh, shit! Ferris takes out a bottle of orange juice out of the refrigerator and drinks straight from the bottle. Jeanie comes in. FERRIS Thanks, Jeanie. JEANIE No problem. FERRIS By the way, I borrowed some cash from you. I'll pay you back. JEANIE You don't have to. FERRIS I want to. JEANIE You don't have to. I've been ripping off your wallet for years. Ferris gives her a proud smile. 201 EXT. HOUSE 201 Joyce and Tom head up to the kitchen. 202 INT. KITCHEN 202 Ferris and Jeanie exit the kitchen as Joyce and Tom enter. JOYCE (to Todd and Kimberly) Hi, guys. KIMBERLY Is my head swelling up? 203 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 203 The foyer is jammed with floral arrangements, plants and gifts. Ferris and Jeanie step gingerly through the flowers and head upstairs. JEANIE I'm sorry I've been riding your buns for so long. FERRIS It's completely cool. JOYCE (OC) Ferris! Ferris continues up the stairs. He affects a sickly voice. FERRIS Upstairs, Mom! 204 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING 204 Ferris and Jeanie stop. JEANIE Do you know a guy named Garth Volbeck? FERRIS Vaguely. JEANIE Is he cool? FERRIS He's cool. But stay away from his brother. Ferris walks into the room, brushes the crumbs off his hands and peels off his shirt. He climbs into bed. No sooner are the covers over him than the bedroom door opens and Joyce and Tom walk in. They walk over to the bed. Joyce sits down. JOYCE Honey? CU. FERRIS The same deathly face he had in the morning. Tongue out, eyes bulging. TOM (OC) Ferris? How do you feel? He pulls in his tongue to speak. FERRIS (deathly gasp) 150% better, thank you. 205 INT. BEDROOM 205 Tom and Joyce hover over him with deep concern. FERRIS I'm much better, really. Please, don't make me stay home again. I want to go to school. I'm graduating in June and I... TOM Ferris. You're sick. There's no point pushing yourself and making it worse. FERRIS Maybe you're right, Dad. TOM I know I'm right. Joyce leans over and kisses him forehead. JOYCE How did you get so sweet? FERRIS Years of practice. Tom pats Ferris on the rump. He and Joyce exit. CU. FERRIS The hideous face. A beat and we HEAR THE BEDROOM DOOR CLOSE. Ferris looks at CAMERA. FERRIS (happy sigh) Yeah, life is a carousel. A great big crazy ball of pure living, breathing joy and delight. He rolls over on his back and puts his hands behind his head. FERRIS You gotta get one. He smiles. MUSIC UP BIG END TITLES THE END
The Fifth Element An original script by Luc Besson Revisions by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen August 1995 Draft Gaumont and Les Films du Dauphin FADE IN: 1 EXT. DESERT NILE RIVER VALLEY - DAY Somewhere in the Nile at the edge of the desert. CREDITS ROLL WRITTEN: EGYPT 1913 OMAR and his mule zigzag along the bottom of sun scorched dunes. 2 EXT. TEMPLE EXCAVATION - DAY The mule and the boy finally reach a camp. A few tents dwarfed by a huge temple door jutting out of the sand. The camp is deserted except for some kids by the temple entrance holding large mirrors, reflecting light into the temple. Omar leaves his mule in the shade, seizes two goatskins and slips inside the temple. 3 INT. TEMPLE - DAY Omar makes his way uneasily down a pillared corridor that opens into a vast room where an old scientist stands on a small wooden ladder in front of the wall across the room. PROFESSOR MASSIMO PACOLI. A young man is beside him, BILLY MASTERSON, age 25, an American student. He has a large sketchpad in his hands. Behind them AZIZ, age 10, whose job is to hold the last mirror which shines light into the expansive room. PROFESSOR (deciphering) "..when the three planets are in eclipse.." His fingers trace across the wall which is covered with symbols and strange hieroglyphs as he deciphers. PROFESSOR "..the black hole like a door is open... Evil comes ... sowing terror and chaos..." See? The snake, Billy. The Ultimate Evil ... make sure you get the snake! The Professor points emphatically to the snake, the symbol of Evil, coming through the door between the three planets in eclipse. C.U. Billy's hand sketches the snake quickly. He is a natural artist. BILLY And when is this door opening snake act supposed to occur? The Professor's fingers touch the signs. PROFESSOR ..if this is the five..and this the thousand.. He calculates. PROFESSOR Every five thousand years.. BILLY (kidding) So I have some time.. He reaches for the pad. ANGLE ON: Omar. Standing at the entrance to the chamber with the water bag, entranced by the sight. A skeletal hand falls on his shoulder. Omar turns to an ancient PRIEST in a rough milled black cannock. PRIEST I will take it to them my son. Startled but obedient, Omar gives the water bag to the Priest. PRIEST Go with God.. be safe from Evil.. The Priest makes the sign of the Cross on the boy's forehead, dismissing him. As soon as he is gone, the Priest turns a worried eye to the Professor. ANGLE ON: The Professor is back to translating, Billy to sketching. PROFESSOR "..then arrange the elements of life against the Terror just so.." His fingers run on. PROFESSOR "..Water..fire..earth..air..four elements around the fifth.." His fingers fall on the one element that has a human shape, surrounded by all the others. The Priest opens the water skin and begins to pour a vial of powder into the skin. ANGLE ON: Aziz falling asleep. The mirror falls, the light fails. PROFESSOR Aziz! Light! The boy struggles to stay awake. The mirror comes up. PRIEST Lord forgive me.. they already know too, much.. PROFESSOR "..in which all the history of the Universe resides ..all the strength..all the hope..Protect us from Evil.." PRIEST (V.O.) Amen.. The Professor turns to the Priest who is pouring water into a tin cup from the skin. PROFESSOR Father.. it in the most extraordinary thing.. the greatest find in history..can you imagine the implications. PRIEST Only too well... here you must be parched.. He hands the cup to the Professor. The Professor takes it, has it almost to his lips when.. PROFESSOR I mean look.. it is like a battle plan.. In his excitement he does not drink, much to the Priest's chagrin. PROFESSOR Here the Good.. Here the Evil.. As the Priest looks up, Aziz the mirror boy, tips his mouth under the water skin, drinking the leakage. PROFESSOR Here.. He points to the Five Elements. PROFESSOR A weapon against evil. Amazing! I am going to be famous. PRIEST Then let us toast to your fame! Here Billy.. The Priest hands Billy a cup. PRIEST Drink! PROFESSOR To fame.. salud.. The Professor raises the cup to drink, and then... PROFESSOR We cannot toast with water.. Billy ! In my sack.. the Grappa! The Priest watches, disconsolate, as the Professor tosses away his water. Billy finishes his cup before running off into the tunnel. 4 EXT. COLONNADE - DAY A muffled SOUND grows steadily louder. Outside, a monstrous linear shadow disturbs the kid's game and gradually darkens the temple entrance. 5 INT. TUNNEL - DAY Billy is looking for the grappa in the Professor's bag. He comes upon a machine pistol. When the muffled SOUND suddenly grabs his attention. He leans toward the corridor and sees part of a spaceship appear. Billy is paralyzed. 6 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The Professor keeps reading over the inscription. PROFESSOR "..this perfect person.. this perfect being.." I do not understand this.. perfect? PROFESSOR Where is that boy? Billy! 7 INT. TUNNEL - DAY Billy presses himself against the wall, in the shadows, terrified, but sketching away like mad, as large shadowed figures lumber past him. He begins to blink, feeling the effects of the Priest's potion.. 8 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The Professor reads the wall. PROFESSOR And this divine Light they talk about.. what is Divine light? At that moment, the reflection from Aziz's mirror drops again. The light fails. PROFESSOR (without turning) Aziz light! The room is flooded with light all of the sudden. PROFESSOR Better.. this is the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen.. The Professor turns around, and is stunned speechless to find himself face to face with two MONDOSHAWANS. A dozen others fill the hall manning the source of the light, large luminous globes. Aziz is fast asleep. PROFESSOR (uncomprehending) ...Uh, yes? The Professor is lifted up and carried off to the side by the aliens. The KOMMANDER stops in front of the Priest who is still on his knees, face to the ground. PRIEST Master... He was about to discover everything, but I had the situation under control. The two MONDOSHAWAN GUARDS hold the professor three feet off the ground. PROFESSOR (in a panic) Who are you? Are you Germans? Sprechen Sie Deutsch? 9 INT. TUNNEL Billy staggers forward, a machine pistol in his hand. 10 INT. TEMPLE ROOM The KOMMANDER holds out his hand to the Priest. PRIEST What did I do wrong? The Priest jumps to his feet excitedly. KOMMANDER Servant, you and the thousand guards before you... You have done your work well, but we have to recover the elements. War will soon engulf your planet. We must keep them safe. The Kommander goes over to the wall and seems to be looking for a lock. He finds it and slides in his metallic finger which is more intricate than a key to a safe. He turns his hand, activating a mechanism that opens the wall. PROFESSOR Unbelievable!!! The Kommander turns around and crooks a finger. One of the MONDOSHAWANS waves his hand, puts the professor to sleep and heads down the hallway revealed by the opening. He is followed by his men. The Priest slips in behind them. 11 INT. ROOM 2 TEMPLE - DAY The Kommander steps into a vast room. The ceiling is very high, pyramid- shaped. In each corner of the room, four vessels contain four rectangular twelve-inch stones-, the four elements. In the middle, an opaque sarcophagus rests on an altar. The Kommander stops and contemplates it a moment. PRIEST (to himself) The Fifth Element... KOMMANDER Take them and put them in a safe place. His men carry out his order. 12 INT. ROOM 1 TEMPLE - DAY Billy staggers across the floor, struggling to stay awake. 13 INT. ROOM 2 TEMPLE - DAY The Kommander opens a case. His men come and put the four, precious stones in it, one by one. PRIEST (moved) Will the elements be gone now forever from this place? KOMMANDER When mankind comes to its senses. We will return. PRIEST Knowing mankind as I do, that could take centuries! KOMMANDER Time is of no importance, only life is important. The Priest nods and lowers his eyes. Angle on: Billy staggering forward, raising his pistol, blinking his eyes to focus.. A MONDOSHAWAN puts the fourth element in the case The Kommander shuts the case and looks at the Priest. KOMMANDER When EVIL returns so shall we. PRIEST (head lowered) We will be ready, Lord. Billy suddenly staggers into the room, brandishing his gun. BILLY Stop. Billy trips, the gun goes off. He empties the clip. The Mondoshawan carrying the case crumples to the ground. The wall immediately begins to close. Billy fires wildly, unable to control the powerful kicking gun. PRIEST No!!! Don't!!! The Priest rushes Billy. The weapon has such a kick to it that Billy starts shooting into the air, backs up, then stumbles and knocks himself out. The Priest is on the ground, seriously wounded. So is the Kommander. The WARRIORS are in a panic. CLERK Hurry, Kommander! The wall's closing!!! The wall continues to close. Sand pours in from everywhere. The vast room fills up like an hourglass. KOMMANDER A mission is a mission, Savoia. You'll learn that. The Kommander picks up the case and reaches the wall but can't get through it. His armor is too bulky, the opening too small. He manages to get his arm and the case through. KOMMANDER My apologies to General Kroi -- and my wife.. The wall closes, crushing his arm. The CLERK scoops up the case and runs through the huge piles of sand. 14 EXT. COLONNADE - DAY The CLERK boards the ship carrying the case. Omar hides in a corner, frightened to death, hugging Billy's bag of drawings. 15 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The room fills with sand. The Priest's body is soon buried. 16 EXT. DESERT - DAY The huge ship's main hatch closes. 17 EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The ship lifts off and speeds away. Omar emerges from the temple gaping at the ship as it vanishes in the sky. 18 EXT. PYRAMIDS A gigantic shooting star flashes above the pyramids. 19 EXT. EARTH ORBIT The ship passes in front of us and heads for the stars disappearing at unbelievable speed. The background is a star-spattered cosmos. WRITTEN: 500 YEARS LATER Another, more modern, spaceship, fills the screen. A warship belonging to the Federal Army. 20 INT. SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM CU of a digital control screen. Three planets projecting three straight lines that crisscross at one point. Identical to the one observed by the professor on the temple wall. GENERAL STAEDERT looks out through the ship's window at one of the three huge planets in eclipse. STAEDERT Don't you have anything? Not even a temperature? CAPTAIN The thermo-analyzers have jammed. One of them reads over a million degrees, the other's at minus 5000... Never seen anything like it. TECHNICIAN It's taking shape. 21 EXT. SPACE In the middle of the shadows, a door to the nightmare has just opened. Evil is back. A round, moving mass, continually changing color. CAPTAIN (in awe) What the hell can it be? TECHNICIAN Hook-up with the president in one minute, General. General Staedert remains calm. STAEDERT ...Send out a probe. 22 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MANHATTAN LINDBERG, 50, the president of the United Federations, his features lined and worn by various delegations, mainly military, enters his office. There's a crisis in the air. The President's AIDE leans down to his ear. AIDE On air in 30 seconds. In the middle of the group is a Priest whose appearance reminds us of Egypt. A younger man DAVID, 18, shy, a priest-in-training attends the old man. 23 INT. CONTROL ROOM / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE CAPTAIN President on line sir.. General Staedert leans over his screen and seems surprised to see the room but not the president. PRESIDENT (O.S.) Staedert, do you read me? STAEDERT I can hear you, Mr. President, but I can't see you . The President grabs the mini-camera on his desk and yanks it around to face him. His face fills the screen. PRESIDENT (exasperated) Is that better? STAEDERT Perfect, Mr. President. PRESIDENT I have to address the Supreme Council in 10 minutes. Just the facts, General. STAEDERT There are no results from the chemical and molecular analysis as of yet, all the calibers are overshot..we're hoping a thermo nucleatic imaging.. PRESIDENT (exasperated) What you are saying is you don't know what this..thing..is. Consternation reigns in the President's office. STAEDERT Not yet Sir..The only thing we know is it just keeps getting bigger! PRESIDENT Options. STAEDERT Wait or act. PRESIDENT Recommendations. STAEDERT My philosophy Mr. President is shoot first ask questions later. I don't like uninvited guests. PRESIDENT Gentlemen? HEAD CHEMISTS I think it would be foolish to shoot at an organism that seems alive, without first taking the time to study it more! Besides, it has shown no signs of hostility. PRESIDENT (worried) No... it's just getting bigger. HEAD CHEMISTS So do people, but that's no reason to shoot them. PRESIDENT (exasperated) The security of the Federated Territories is and remains number one priority. (to the military) I suppose General Staedert's "philosophy" is acceptable to you? All the Generals nod "yes" PRESIDENT All right, then! Staedert? PRIEST (O.S.) Mr. President? The President scans the room. Staedert remote controls the camera toward the room. PRESIDENT ...Yes? The camera moves up the Priest and we finally discover his face. He is in his sixties, a shrewd look in his eyes. Around his neck hangs the Kommander's finger, the key to the temple. PRIEST Cornelius, Vito Cornelius. 50th level parish. I have a different theory to offer you, Mr. President. PRESIDENT I'm listening. CORNELIUS Imagine for a moment that this. thing is not anything that can be identified because it prefers not to be, because it is the antithesis of all we are. Because it is evil.. TOTAL EVIL. PRESIDENT (a little sarcastically) One more reason to shoot first eh? All the Generals nod in agreement. CORNELIUS Evil begets evil, Mr. President. Shooting would only make it stronger. 24 INT. SPACESHIP TECHNICIAN The probe will attain its objective in five seconds. Staedert moves closer to the ship's window. 25 EXT. SPACE. Evil swallows the probe and immediately bubbles over with activity like a furious volcano. 26 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE STAEDERT Mr. President, we're at crisis point. The President looks puzzled. PRESIDENT Your theory is interesting Father but I don't think we have time to go into it right now! CORNELIUS Time is of no importance, Mr. President. Only life is important. PRESIDENT (exasperated) That's exactly what we are going to try and do: Protect the lives of some 200 billion of our fellow citizens! General? You may fire when ready. 27 INT. SPACESHIP STAEDERT (cold) (to the CAPTAIN) ..Up front loading of a 120 ZZR missile. Marker lights on the objective. 28 EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP All of a sudden, outside the ship, the strange planet's activity ceases. A black crust immediately covers it. 29 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST (consulting new data) Its structure has just solidified on the surface, as if the object felt something. If that's the case, we are undoubtedly dealing with an intelligence. CORNELIUS The most terrible intelligence imaginable, Mr. President. The President hesitates. CAPTAIN ...The ship is in combat formation. The missile is loaded, General. PRESIDENT (uneasy) Staedert? Give me a minute... I have a doubt. STAEDERT (cold) I don't, Mr. President. 30 EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP The missile explodes from the ship and penetrates its target. The explosion is swallowed like a fizzy pill in a small glass of water. Nothing happens. And then the mass grows larger. 31 INT. CONTROL ROOM / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Staedert looks worried. STAEDERT Load a series of 740 missiles. Maximum shield protection. CAPTAIN Yes, Sir. The President is growing ever more worried. PRESIDENT Staedert? What's going on? Did you destroy it? STAEDERT I'm about to, Mr. President. 32 EXT. SPACESHIP A series of three missiles heads for the planet, which absorbs them all. And literally doubles in size. SCIENTIST The planet's diameter has greatly increased and it's moving toward the ship. PRESIDENT Staedert? Get out of there immediately! I don't want an incident, do you hear me, Staedert? STAEDERT (worried) ...What do we have that's bigger than 240? CAPTAIN Nothing, General. PRESIDENT Staedert, get out of there! That's an order! A bead of sweat pearls Staedert's forehead. He is about to give an order when a gigantic flame emerges from the planet and literally swallows Staedert's spaceship. STAEDERT (eyes wide) ... Good God! The flame fills the screen with a horrendous NOISE that.... 33 INT. APARTMENT ... wakes up a man trying to escape from a nightmare. KORBEN DALLAS rubs his head. Thirty five years old, short hair, powerfully built, unquestionable charm, good looking in spite of the scars here and there. The alarm clock is still ringing, it shows the date as March 18, 2359. It in two in the morning. Ha grabs a cigarette, and stops to look for a light. He shuts oft the alarm. He hears a cat mewing in the hall. But it still rings. Korben takes a moment and then realizes it in the phone that is ringing. KORBEN (to the cat) I'm coming. He grabs the phone and crosses his tiny apartment (27 feet long by 6 feet wide) heading for the door, patting himself for a light. Behind him, the bed makes itself automatically. KORBEN (on the phone) Yeah? FINGER (V.O.) Hey bud! Finger here. He opens the door for the cat and starts to rummage through a drawer for a match. Out come a handful of war decorations, a hero's collection. KORBEN (to the cat) Hi sweetie! ...A Medal of Honor Certificate to Major Dallas FINGER (V.O.) I love you too Major, but you haven't called me that since basic training. KORBEN I was talking to the cat. FINGER (V.O.) Oh, yeah, I forgot.You still prefer your cat to the real thing. ...A picture of Korben and his ex-wife on their wedding day. KORBEN At least, the cat comes back. FINGER (V.O.) (ironical) You still pining for that two timing bitch. Forget her. There are a million women out there. KORBEN I don't want a million - I just want one. A perfect one. FINGER (V.O.) Don't exist bud. ...A picture of Korben and Finger in uniform next to a space fighter. KORBEN I just found a picture of you. FINGER (V.O.) How do I look? KORBEN Like shit. Korben finds a box of matches with three matches. He strikes one. It does not light. Korben opens the fridge, bare, except for an empty can of GEMINI croquettes. On the packet is an ad: WIN A DREAM TRIP FOR 2 TO FHLOSTON PARADISE. FINGER (V.O.) Must be an old picture.. Listen, you gotta bring me your hack for the 6 month overhaul. A.S.A.P. Korben heats up some brackish water. KORBEN (sighs) I don't need one. FINGER (V.O.) You forgetting who sat next to you for a thousand missions. I know how you drive. KORBEN Finger! I'm driving a cab now, not a space fighter!! FINGER (V.O.) How many points you got left on your license? KORBEN (lying) Uh... at least fifty. FINGER (V.O.) In your dreams! See you tonight! Finger has hang up. Korben sighs and does the same. He gets the heated brackish water and sits down. The cat pounces on the table and meows for its food. Korben pours half the coffee in the cat's cup. The cat meows. Korben taps his cup to the cat's saucer. KORBEN Cheers! 34 INT. HALL - DAY - OMIT 35 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT 36 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The office is emptied, only a few army officers remain. An ancient manuscript, Billy's drawings, sits in front of the President. Cornelius turns page after page, illustrating his point. CORNELIUS (to the President) We have forty-eight hours, the time it needs to adapt itself to our living conditions. PRESIDENT (worried) And then? CORNELIUS And then it will be too late. The goal of evil is to wipe out life! All forms of life. For all eternity...Life upsets it. The President appears upset himself by this image. PRESIDENT Is there anything that can stop it? CORNELIUS (knowing) Yes..thank God.. 37 EXT. SPACE The Mondoshawan spaceship bursts through a star cluster and fills the screen. 38 INT. COCKPIT - OMIT 39 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The manuscript is open on the President's desk.. CLOSE ON: Billy's rendering of the Mondoshawan. CORNELIUS (to the President) The Mondoshawans don't belong to the Federated Territories, but they are peaceful... in their possession are the four elements of life. These elements when they are gathered around a fifth: The Supreme Being, ultimate warrior, created to protect life...... The SUPREME BEING is standing, as if frozen in armor. All we see is the bottom half of his body. Big metallic gloves hold the case engraved with the emblem of the three suns containing the four Sacred Stones. CORNELIUS ..will produce what the ancients called the light of creation, the light of total goodness which is the only thing that can defeat EVIL. The President points to the spot occupied by the 5th element. PRESIDENT But what happens if instead of this... Ultimate Warrior... it is EVIL who stands here? CORNELIUS White turns to black. Light to Dark. Life to Death. For all eternity. The President's nerves quiver. CAPTAIN Sir, we have a Mondoshawan spaceship at the frontier requesting permission to enter our territory. PRESIDENT I guess I should make a decision.. CORNELIUS They are the only ones who can help.. GENERAL Sir..the Mondoshawan do not belong to the federation. We do not know their intention.. I must recommend a full trinuclear assault.. PRESIDENT (yells) Did you see that..thing..swallow our battleship like a gum drop? You can't even tell me what it is! I ask you for options you give me bullshit. Give them permission to enter our territories with my warmest regards. CORNELIUS (relieved) Thank you, Mr. President. 40 INT. MONDOSHAWANS SPACESHIP - OMIT 41 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - OMIT 42 EXT. SPACE / INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP The MONDOSHAWAN spaceship zips across the Federated Galaxy. But it is not alone: Two black warships seem to be dogging it. 43 INT. MONDOSHAWAN COCKPIT The MONDOSHAWANS have spotted the spacecraft chasing them. FIRST OFFICER Two non-identified ships approaching. CAPTAIN Must be the welcoming committee. 44 INT. WARSHIP COCKPIT A MANGALORE sits at the controls of the warship. His terrifying features tell us what sort of welcome they can expect. The pilot fires without warning. 45 EXT. SPACE / INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP The huge ship is badly hit and immediately swerves oft course. Panic aboard the MONDOSHAWAN ship. 46 INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP CAPTAIN We've been hit! General alert!!! Blast after blast hits the defenseless ship. CAPTAIN We're losing control! We have to land fast! The huge ship veers oft course and heads for a small red planet, taking hit after hit. CAPTAIN Send out a distress signal!!! Activate the emergency landing procedure! The huge ship approaches the planet at blinding speed. FIRST OFFICER Impact in less than ten seconds! The red planet looms ever closer. CAPTAIN Time is of no importance... The ship crashes in a gigantic explosion. 46A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY A thermo nuclear explosion fills a T.V. screen..Which Korben's cat watches with interest. Korben is about to exit the apartment. KORBEN Don't watch it all day, it'll rot your mind. Bye sweetie.. In response, the cat meows. Korben opens the door to..A huge gun, brandished by a nervous MUGGER, pointing right in his face. MUGGER The cash man! KORBEN Been here long? MUGGER Don't fuck with me man or I'll blow you into tomorrow! Unperterbed, Korben looks at the mugger's fearsome weapon. KORBEN Isn't that a Z140? Alleviated titanium. Neuro charged assault model? MUGGER (off balance) Uh.. KORBEN You know you could hurt someone with this puppy..good thing it's not loaded.. The mugger is lost. He looks at his weapon. MUGGER It's not? KORBEN You gotta push the little yellow button... Korben points to the button on the side of the gun. The mugger takes his advice. MUGGER Thanks.. KORBEN You're welcome.. And with lightning speed, Korben blasts the mugger with a straight right hand, sending him down for the count. Korben retrieves the gun. KORBEN ..you know these things are VERY illegal.. you could get in a shit load of trouble.. I better hang onto it for you.. As the mugger clears his head, Korben opens a drawer next to him which is full of similar guns! The mugger's eyes pop out of his head. He scampers to his feet and runs off. Korben shrugs, exits his apartment, and closes the door. The cat watches a nuclear holocaust on T.V., uninterrupted. 46B INT. KORBEN'S GARAGE - DAY Korben enters his taxi. A robotic voice greets him. VOICE Please enter your license.. Korben complies, and starts to push a series of buttons on the dash. VOICE Welcome on board Mr. Dallas.. KORBEN How you doing this morning? Sleep OK? I didn't. Korben hits a button. The garage door starts to open. VOICE Fuel level 6.03..Propulsion 2x4... KORBEN I had the worst goddamn nightmare. VOICE You have nine points left on your license.. KORBEN Thanks for reminding me.. As the garage door lifts, the Megalopolis that is New York City in the 23rd century comes into view. Startling in it's height, and breath. VOICE Have a nice day.. Korben lets the propulsion build. KORBEN Right.. He lets the gear slip. The taxi rockets off into the City. 47 EXT. TAXI STAND - NIGHT - OMIT 48 EXT. RED PLANET-OMIT 49 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Cornelius collapses in a chair. CORNELIUS We are lost! GENERAL MUNRO Mr. President, the attack was launched by two unregistered warships. PRESIDENT Close all borders and declare a state of general alert. GENERAL MUNRO Yes, sir. PRESIDENT (to another OFFICER) Try to contact these Mondoshawans. We owe them an explanation. CORNELIUS (lost, to himself) What are we going to do? PRESIDENT This is government business now. You ought to go home and get some rest, Father. The President motions to his guards to come and get Cornelius. PRESIDENT I promise to keep you informed. A weary Cornelius leaves the room with David's help. PRESIDENT (to the CAPTAIN) ...Has the rescue team found any survivors? 50 EXT. RED PLANET - OMIT 51 EXT. RED PLANET ORBIT - OMIT 52 INT. LABORATORY 1ST DISTRICT MANHATTAN - DAWN An arm, on a surgical cart, moves down the hall of the Nucleological Center, the most sterile of environments. PROFESSOR MACTILBURGH, age 60, hurries alongside GENERAL MUNRO. MUNRO This is all that survived? MACTILBURGH Actually only one cell survived.. MUNRO Have you identified it? MACTILBURGH It's not that easy..we've never encountered anything like it before..you see normal human beings have 40 DNA memo groums..which is more than enough for any species to perpetuate itself..This one has 200,000. MUNRO Talk English Doc. MACTILBURGH This cell is like a huge library. It has infinite genetic knowledge stored inside. Almost like it was...engineered. MUNRO Sounds like a freak of nature to me. MACTILBURGH Yes... I can't wait to meet him. They pass into the lab. 53 INT. LABORATORY The two enter a cylindrical laboratory. There is a huge glass turbine in the middle with the metal glove inside. A DNA chain scrolls on the computer screen. MACTILBURGH (rather fascinated) The compositional elements of his DNA chain are the same as ours, there are simply more of them tightly packed. His knowledge is probably limitless.. MUNRO (worried) Is there any danger? Some kind of virus? MACTILBURGH We put it through the cellular hygiene detector. The cell is for lack of a better word... perfect. Munro hesitates a moment. Then he sighs and uses his personal key to open the self-destruct box. MUNRO OK, go ahead! But Mr. Perfect better be polite... otherwise I turn him into cat food. Mactilburgh starts the operation rolling as Munro puts his hand on the sell-destruct button, ready to use it. Thousands of cells form in the heart of the generator, an assemblage of DNA elements. Then the cells move down a tube, like a fluid, and gather in an imprint of a HUMAN body. Step by step bones are reconstructed, then the nervous and muscular systems. Whole veins wrap around the muscles. An entire body is reconstructing before our very eyes. DOCTOR Three seconds to ultra-violet protection. A shield comes over the reconstructing body and makes it invisible. MACTILBURGH (to Munro) ...This is the crucial phase, The reconstruction of pigment. Cells are bombarded with slightly greasy solar atoms which forces the body cells to react, to protect themselves. That means growing skin. Clever, eh? MUNRO (disgusted) Wonderful! The meter slows, drops to zero. ASSISTANT ... End of reconstruction, beginning of reanimation . A whoosh of air in the glass chamber. Captain Munro has his hand on the self-destruct button, ready to destroy the being that has barely been reborn. MACTILBURGH (pushing a button) Activate life support system. An electrical discharge fills the glass chamber causing the body inside to jerk. After a few moments of silence, the SOUND of a heartbeat fills the room over the loudspeaker. ASSISTANT Life support system activated. The Supreme Being is alive once again. MACTILBURGH Remove the shield. The ASSISTANT automatically removes the ultra-violet shield which slowly reveals... a woman... nude... young... and very beautiful. Munro stands there gaping. Not quite his vision of the Supreme Being. Mactilburgh glances at Munro and gently pushes his hand away from the self-destruct button. MACTILBURGH (with a smile) I told you ... perfect! Munro is hypnotized by the GIRL's beauty. MUNRO ...I'd, uh , like to get a few pictures for the archives before she wakes up. Mactilburgh looks at him with a grin. A remote-control camera approaches the girl's face, a flash goes off. Blinded by the flash, the girl jumps and screams. She cowers in a corner, shaking from the cold, darting eyes everywhere looking for the case she was holding. GIRL (very angry) Ouacra cocha o dayodomo binay ouacra mo cocha ferji akba ligounai makta keratapla. Tokemata tokemata! Seno santonoi-aypa! Minoi ay Cheba! Givomana seno! MUNRO (worried) What's she saying? MACTILBURGH (to his ASSISTANT) Activate the phonic detector. The girl kicks the window repeatedly. MACTILBURGH And give her a light sedative... and something to wear! The ASSISTANT hits a button. A pile of clothes drops out of a trapdoor in the ceiling. She snatches up the clothes angrily and dresses quickly. Munro draws closer to the glass window. He watches her dress with undisguised pleasure. MUNRO (to Mactilburgh) This thing solid? MACTILBURGH (smiling) An elephant couldn't crack it. The Girl finishes dressing. GIRL (angrily) Teno akta chataman assin-omekta! Munro smiles safely behind his plate glass window. MUNRO (with a smile) You're gonna have to learn to communicate better than that angel if you want out. Munro dangles the key on a chain that will let her out. The girl rams her fist right through the window. She grabs the key and yanks it. The chain snaps tight and Munro slams into the window knocking himself out. The girl puts her hand through the window again, unlocks the chamber and steps out. She is still bit wobbly on her legs. Two GUARDS try to grab her. She sends them flying across the room. Mactilburgh is most impressed. He sets off a general alarm. 54 INT. CORRIDOR LABORATORY The girl runs through a maze of corridors looking for a way out. A squad of SECURITY GUARDS appear in front of her and open fire without warning. The girl takes a leap, grabs an air vent, kicks it out and dives into the air shaft. The COPS try and jump up to the vent, but none can reach it. CHIEF Get me a chair or a stepladder The rest of you go through the main ventilation! 55 INT. VENTILATION DUCT LABORATORY The girl moves along unable to see what's ahead of her. She comes to a dead-end, a grill that leads outside. She pushes it out and exits onto the ledge. 56 EXT. LEDGE LABORATORY - DAWN She has exited to a ledge on the 450th floor of a building, right in the middle of Manhattan, which we discover for the first time. The city has become monstrous. Buildings rise 600 stories. Cars fly. Subways run vertically...The girl edges along the narrow ledge, unfazed by the height. The CHIEF leans out the vent, looking out into the void. CHIEF (to his men) Go on follow her! The COPS stare into the gaping void. COP ...No way. The CHIEF angrily pulls out his gun and shoots at the girl who ducks around the corner of the building. Unfortunately the other side in full of cops as well. A flying police car zooms up in front of her, sirens blaring. VOICE (O.S.) This in the police. Your status is illegal. Please put up your hands and follow our instructions! The girl feels trapped. She looks down into the endless 450 below and all the cars flying underneath her. Then she raises her arms... and dives off. 57 INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT COP (in the car.) Christ! She dove off! In a panic, the COP makes a wrong turn. The girl falls for several seconds. She lands on the roof of a flying cab. 58 INT. CAB - NIGHT Korben tries to control his car, reeling from the impact. VOICE (O.S.) You have just had an accident. Seven points have been temporarily removed... Korben manages to stop his cab, pulls over to the side. VOICE / KORBEN You have one point left on your license. Have a good day. Korben sighs and looks in the back seat to see what the damages are. The girl, a bit dazed (who wouldn't be), emerges from the debris and sits up. There's some blood on her face. Korben is stunned. The girl's still alive and... so beautiful. His heart heads for a meltdown. GIRL Akina delutan, nou-shan. KORBEN (lost) ...'Scuse me? A police car with wailing sirens halts in front of Korben. COP (over a loudspeaker) You have an unauthorized passenger in your vehicle. We are going to arrest her. Please leave your hands on the wheel. Thank you for your cooperation. KORBEN (obeying) Sorry, Hon, but I only got one point left on my license and I gotta get to the garage! The police car presses up against the cab. Doors slide open. Huge guns point at her. Korben feels lousy. The girl's helpless, there are tears in her eyes, she looks exhausted. Korben glances at her in the rear view mirror. She's looking all around to find something to help her communicate with him. Her POV: an ad on the back of the seat. An 800 number to help an orphanage. A teary photo of a kid over the words Please Help. She shoots to Korben a look of pure distress. GIRL (irresistible) Please... HELP... Korben can't resist her plea. KORBEN Don't put me in this position... I can't... I'm late as it is... But he cannot say no to her eyes. KORBEN Finger's gonna kill me. Korben shuts oft the meter and floors it, sideswiping the police car as he roars away. VOICE (O.S.) Your license has been revoked. Would you please.... Korben whips out a gun and shatters the loudspeaker. KORBEN I hate when people cry... I got no defense... The police car takes out after him, sirens screeching. An insane chase ensues. 59 INT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY Korben and his flying taxi are absolute masters of the air. The cops have trouble following him but then another cop car comes to join in the fun. Korben drives like a man possessed, nothing can stop him. Except the dead-end he's just come up against. GIRL Daya deo dono Dato. Dalutan! KORBEN It there's one thing I don't need advice on, it's how to drive. Korben turns his cab sideways and scrapes through a narrow passageway, ripping his taxi light from the roof. The police car smashes into the wall. The other one brakes just in time. COP Shit! Attention all-patrol cars! The car makes a U-turn, looking for a wider passageway. 60 EXT. NEW YORK STREET The police car roars up, sirens screaming then slows down and checks out a dead-end flanked by a large vertical neon billboard. The dead-end is empty . Korben's cab is hidden vertically behind the billboard. Seeing nothing, the police drive away. KORBEN We'll wait till things quiet down a bit. You mind? The girl grabs his shirt collar and pulls him close, whispers in his ear. GIRL (weak) ...Priest... KORBEN You're not that bad... Come on we'll get you to a doctor. The girl hands him the handle of the case, struck with the three Egyptian suns. GIRL (weak) Vito... Cor... Ni-lious... Priest... KORBEN Vito Cornelius? The girl nods, then faints. Korben is somewhat lost faced with so much mystery. 61 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY The door opens. Korben is there with the unconscious girl in his arms. KORBEN (embarrassed) Excuse me, I'm looking for a priest. CORNELIUS (tired) Weddings are one floor down. Congratulations. Cornelius closes the door. The doorbell RINGS again. KORBEN She's not my bride, she's my fare. She's looking for this Vito Cornelius. According to the phone guide he lives here. CORNELIUS (curious) That's me. But I don't know who she is... where did you find her? KORBEN She dropped in on me... holding this. Korben hands him the metal handle with the three Egyptian suns, stamped on it. CORNELIUS (staggered) The fifth element. He faints dead away. Korben, with the girl still in his arms looks around helpless. KORBEN (sighing) Finger's gonna kill me... 62 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY In his armchair, Cornelius gets woken by a slap in the face. CORNELIUS (with a start) Who are you? KORBEN I brought the girl remember? CORNELIUS The girl? Cornalius gets up. He looks at the handle. KORBEN Yeah! She dropped in on me. I mean on my taxi... talking... this... this bizarre language... And then it dawns on Cornelius who the girl is. CORNELIUS (eyes riveted on her) He's a she! KORBEN (bemused) You noticed... CORNELIUS (face shining) There's not a moment to lose! Wake her up, but be gentle about it! This woman is mankind's most precious possession! She is... perfect! KORBEN So you do know her. CORNELIUS Uh yes, we're cousins..distant cousins.. Cornelius runs into the next room. Korben looks at the girl, goes to slap her, then changes his mind. Her beauty troubles him. He hesitates, then, gently caresses her cheek. Her skin seems so soft, so fragile. KORBEN Perfect... 63 INT. SMALL ROOM David, is mending a cassock when Cornelius bursts into the room out of breath. CORNELIUS It's a miracle!!! DAVID (worried) What is? CORNELIUS (babbling crazily) I can't wear these clothes! This calls for dignity! I have to dress the part! He opens a closet filled with identical robes and plunges in, disappearing as David looks on, uncomprehending. 64 INT LIVING ROOM. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT Korben gently kisses the girl's cheeks, but she doesn't respond. He looks around then kisses her on the lips. The girl's eyes snap open. When Korben straightens up he discovers his own gun jammed under his chin. GIRL (angry) Eto Akta Gamat! KORBEN (embarrassed) I'm sorry, it's just that... I was told to wake you up gently, so I figured... The girl pauses a moment. She stares at him, looks puzzled. KORBEN You're right, I was wrong! I shouldn't have kissed you... especially since we haven't been introduced and... (he pulls out a business card) Here, it's a bit late, but... my name is Korben, Korben Dallas. Keep it, you never know, maybe... you'll need a cab one day. I'll be happy to open the door this time!. The girl hesitates, then snatches the card like a wild animal. 65 INT. SMALL ROOM Cornelius is lost in the closet. DAVID Father, will you please explain what's going on? CORNELIUS The Supreme Being, the fifth element is here, in our parish!!! It's a miracle!!! 66 INT. LIVING ROOM KORBEN ...What's your name? GIRL (after a moment) Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat. KORBEN (polite) Hey, that's... cute... Do you have a nickname, something a little... shorter? GIRL ...Leeloo. Korben is falling in love. KORBEN That's... really cute... Cornelius bursts into the room. She turns the gun on him. He bows before her. CORNELIUS Appipulai Leeloo Minai.. LEELOO Corn-i-Lius? CORNELIUS (bowing) At your service. LEELOO lowers her guard starts to laugh. An irresistible childish laugh. Korben smiles. DAVID Father. You sure she's the Supreme Being? CORNELIUS Absolutely sure There's the triple suns on her gloves! David bows low, but his eyes glance up at Leeloo. Cornelius begins to lead Korben toward the door, hustling him out. KORBEN They all like this in your family, father? CORNELIUS She's an exception.. CORNELIUS Thank you so much for your help Mr...? KORBEN Dallas. Korben Dallas. Cornelius takes his arm. Leeloo stops laughing when she sees Korben leaving. CORNELIUS Yes. That's fine! Thank you very much. A thousand times over! KORBEN I might call to check up on her, you know... to see if she's better? CORNELIUS She's fine, really..don't you worry.. just needs some rest..she's had a very long trip. KORBEN I know. I was there when she arrived. Cornelius is about to close the door. Korben's hand blocks it. KORBEN Excuse me! Just one thing! She said something to me a while ago and... I don't really get it... Akta Gamat? CORNELIUS It means, "Never without my permission". KORBEN That's what I thought. Cornelius slams the door in his face. KORBEN ...Thanks. 66A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY Korben beads down the hallway. He passes his NEIGHBOR. KORBEN Evening... NEIGHBOR Fuck you! KORBEN ...Thanks... You, too. Korben enters his-apartment. 66B INT.. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY The door slides back and the cat comes rubbing up against him, tail in the air. KORBEN Oh god. I forgot your food ... I'm really sorry! How about a nice Thai nosh to apologize? How does that sound, huh? The cat meows, appeased, just an the phone rings. KORBEN Hello? FINGER (V.O.) Hey bud...I'm waiting all day here. KORBEN Finger..man..I'm sorry..listen..I was on the way over but I had a fare fall into my lap.. y'know one of those big fares you just can't resist.. FINGER (V.O.) (suspicious) So, just how big was this fare? KORBEN 5'7", green eyes... long legs... great skin... perfect.. Korben takes out a cigarette. FINGER (V.O.) Uh huh..and I don't suppose you got the name of this..perfect fare.. KORBEN (dreamy) Leeloo.. 67 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT 68 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo has a towel wrapped around her, it looks like she just took a shower. She sits in front of a computer wolfing down some chicken. Data scrolls by on the screen. David watches from the corner, in awe. DAVID What's she doing? CORNELIUS Learning our history! The last 5000 years that she missed! She's been out of circulation a while, you know. Leeloo breaks into her childish laughter. CORNELIUS What're you laughing about? LEELOO (pronouncing badly) Napoleon... small. She laughs again and tosses some capsules into the microwave. DAVID (hesitant) Uh father, I know she's been through a lot... but the sacred stones..we don't have much time.. CORNELIUS Yes. Of course.. Leeloo takes her plate out of the microwave. A steaming plate heaped with chicken and exotic vegetables. CORNELIUS Leeloo..I'm sorry to interrupt you but.. She sits back down in front of the screen and chomps away heavily on her second chicken. Cornelius sits opposite her. and holds up the case handle. CORNELIUS (serious) The case..with the stones... Where is it? LEELOO San Agamat chay bet... envolet! CORNELIUS The case was stolen? Leeloo nods her head, quite unperturbed and continues to devour the food in front of her. CORNELIUS (shocked) Who in gods name would do such a thing? 69 INT. CORRIDOR. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY CLOSE ON: A pair of feet limping heavily. A MAN comes alongside them. RIGHT ARM Excuse me sir, the council is worried about the economy heating up. They wondered if it would be possible to fire 500... They reach a door at the end of the corridor. Zorg enters a code. ZORG Fire 1000. RIGHT ARM But... 500 is all they need, sir. ZORG turns slowly. A small scar across run across his face, his eye stutters. This is not a man to cross, or contradict. RIGHT ARM 1000! Fine, sir! Sorry to have disturbed you. The door opens... 70 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY ... and David enters carrying a bundle of clothes. CORNELIUS There was this guy with a limp who came a month ago..said he was an art dealer ... Asking all these questions about the Sacred Stones..at the time I didn't think anything of it.. What was his name? I'm so bad with names... DAVID (to Leeloo, timid) I didn't know your size. Leeloo is happy. She pulls off the towel and stands there nude. Cornelius and David turn away. DAVID They really made her... CORNELIUS Perfect. Leeloo finishes dressing. She is delighted. LEELOO (to David) Domo danko! David smiles, dumb with admiration. Cornelius comes over. CORNELIUS Leeloo? The Stones... We must get them back. Leeloo settles down, sits at the computer and turns it on. LEELOO Ikset-kiba. Me imanetaba oum dalat! CORNELIUS You know exactly where they are! 71 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY A group of handsome WARRIORS approaches. AKNOT, their leader has the sacred case in his hands. The metal handle is missing but the second metal glove is still grasping the case. ZORG (pretending to be worried) Aknot? Is that you? The LEADER nods. A disgusted look stamps Zorg's features. ZORG ...What an ugly face! Doesn't suit you at all! Take it off... AKNOT's face burns away revealing the head of a monstrous MANGALORE. ZORG That's better! Never be ashamed of who you are... You're warriors... be proud... AKNOT says nothing, but if his eyes could talk! ZORG So what if the Federal Army crushed your entire race and scattered your people to the wind... Your time for revenge is at hand... Voila... the ZF1. He takes out a weapon from one a crate and goes into a sales pitch. ZORG (very fast) ...It's light... the handle's adjustable for easy carrying... good for righties and lefties. Meanwhile, two MEN set up a mannequin rigged with various defense mechanisms at the far end of the warehouse. ZORG ... Breaks down into four parts, undetectable by X-rays.. It's the ideal weapon for quick, discreet interventions. A word on fire power: Titanium recharger. 3000 round clip with bursts of 3 to 300. With the replay button, another Zorg innovation, it's even easier... one shot. He fires at the mannequin. ZORG ... and replay sends every following shot to the same location... Zorg spins around, the rounds all hit the mannequin. ZORG (even faster) I recharge, but the enemy has launched a cowardly sneak attack from behind, the automirror takes care of that. Gives me the time to turn around and finish the job. 300 round bursts, then there are the Zorg oldies... He fires off each item he names. ZORG ...Rocket launcher. The always efficient flame thrower... My favorite. Our famous net launcher, the arrow launcher, with exploding or poisonous gas heads - very practical. And for the grand finale, the all-new ice-cube system! The mannequin has been blasted into a pile of ashes covered by a net,. stuck with arrows, the whole mess frozen solid. He tosses the weapon into AKNOT's hands. ZORG ...Four full crates, delivered right on time! What about you, my dear Aknot, did you bring me what I asked you for? AKNOT sets the case on a crate. Zorg gloats while stroking the case. ZORG ...Magnificent. Zorg smiles, takes a deep breath, opens the case. It's empty 72 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo breaks into her childish laughter once again. CORNELIUS (astonished) What do you mean empty? 73 INT. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY AKNOT looks into the case. Things grow tense. ZORG Alright..I've got an open mind here.. anyone care to explain? 74 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo explains what happened in her language. CORNELIUS (translating) She says that the Guardians never really had much faith in humans. They were afraid of being attacked. The stones were given to someone they could trust who took another route. She's supposed to contact this person in a little less than twelve hours from now in a hotel. She's looking for the address! A map of the stars flashes onto the screen, Leeloo points. LEELOO Dot! The little group comes over to look. DAVID Planet Fhloston, in the Angel constellation Cornelius plops down into his armchair. CORNELIUS ...We're saved! 75 INT. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY ZORG I'm fucked! Zorg calmly closes the case and gives Aknot a blood-chilling stare. AKNOT You asked for a case. We brought you a case. ZORG (shouting) A case with four stones in it. Not one! Not two or three! But four!!! Four stones!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do with an EMPTY case?!! AKNOT's men grow edgy. AKNOT (tense) ...We are warriors, not merchants! ZORG (humored) But you can still count. Look... my fingers. He holds up four fingers. ZORG ...Four stones, four crates... Zero stones... (yelling) ZERO CRATES!!! (to his men) Put everything back, we're outta here. AKNOT's warriors turn their weapons on Zorg. AKNOT (icily) We risked our lives. I believe a little compensation is in order. ZORG (smiling) So, you are a merchant, after all. (to his men) Leave them one crate. For the cause! Zorg's men leave a crate and exit with the other three. 76 EXT. OUTSIDE ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY Zorg walks along the street to his limo. RIGHT ARM carries the empty case. ZORG I don't like warriors! They're too narrow-minded, no sublety. Worse, they fight for hopeless causes..for honor! Honor has killed millions of people but hasn't saved a single one. (pause) You know what -- do I like though, I like killer. A real dyed in the wool killer. Cold-blooded. Clean. Methodical. Thorough. A killer, when he picked up the ZF1, would've immediately asked about the little red button on the bottom of the gun. 77 INT. HALLWAY ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY The warriors have all taken a weapon. One of them inspects his ZF1. He turns it over and notices the little red button. He presses it. 78 EXT. OUTSIDE ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY Behind Zorg, an ear-shattering explosion levels the warehouse. ZORG (impassive) Bring the priest. 79 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT 79A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY Korben is finishing a Thai meal, cooked by a Thai on his mini restaurant anchored at the window. The cat eats next to Korben, contented. KORBEN So you forgive me? The cat meows just as a red light blinks, announcing the arrival of a message in a glass tube. Korben ignores it. THAI Not going to open? KORBEN I've never gotten a message that wasn't bad news. THAI How someone strong like you scared from a message? Is good news I sure! KORBEN The last two messages I got? The first one was from my wife telling me she was leaving! And the second was from my lawyer telling me he was leaving too... with my wife. THAI You right that is bad.. but mathematically luck must change! Grandfather say: "It never rain every day." This is good news guarantee.. I bet you lunch! Korben hesitates, then gives the envelope to the Thai, who opens it with a big smile that fades as reads the contents aloud. THAI ...You're fired. Oh! Korben smiles at him. KORBEN At least I won lunch. THAI Good philosophy..see good in bad.. I like..I prepare number one dessert.. special for you and pussy.. The cat meows. 79B INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo is polishing of' an immense pile of dessert as David bangs away at the computer. DAVID I got it! Everything here we need to know about Fhloston Paradise Hotel... and a detailed blueprint of the entire hotel! CORNELIUS Good work, my son. Now all we need is a way to get there. The doorbell rings. CORNELIUS I'll get it. Finish your work my son. Cornelius opens to Right Arm with armed escort. RIGHT ARM Father Cornelius? CORNELIUS My son? RIGHT ARM Mr. Zorg would like a word with you. CORNELIUS Mr. Who? 80 EXT. MANHATTAN - OMIT 81 INT. HALLWAY CORNELIUS APARTMENT - OMIT 82 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT 83 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Zorg turns to Cornelius. ZORG Zorg. Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg... nice to see you again CORNELIUS I remember you now..the so called art dealer. ZORG I'm glad you got your memory back, Father... Because you're going to need it... Where are the stones? CORNELIUS ...Why on earth do the stones interest you? ZORG Personally, they are of no interest to me, I'd rather sell weapons..but I have a customer... so tell me... CORNELIUS Even it I did know where the stones were I would never tell somebody like you. ZORG Why? What's wrong with me? CORNELIUS ...I'm a priest! I'm here to serve life, All you want to do is destroy it. ZORG Ah, Father... You are so wrong. Let me explain... Zorg leads Cornelius into his inner office. ZORG ...would you like a drink? CORNELIUS No thank you. ZORG Follow me.. Life, which you so nobly serve, comes from destruction. Look at this empty glass. Zorg pushes the glass with his finger. ZORG Here it is... peaceful... serene... but if it is... Zorg pushes the glass off the table. It shatters on the floor. ZORG Destroyed... Small individual robots, both free-wheeling and integrated, come zipping out to clean up the mess. ZORG ...Look at all these little things... so busy all of a sudden. Notice how each one is useful. What a lovely ballet, so full of form and color. So full of..life! CORNELIUS They are robots! A SERVANT comes in pours water in another glass. Zorg tosses a cherry into it. ZORG Yes but... by that simple gesture of destruction. I gave work to at least fifty people today. The engineers, the technicians, the mechanics. Fifty people who will be able to feed their children so they can grow up big and strong. Children who will have children of their own, adding to the great cycle of life! Cornelius sits in silence. ZORG Father, by creating a little destruction, I am, in fact, encouraging life! So, in reality, you and I are in the same business! CORNELIUS Destroying a glass is one thing..killing people with the weapons you produce is quite another. ZORG Let me reassure you Father..I will never kill more people in my entire life than religion has killed in the last 2000 years. Zorg smiles, holds up the glass and takes a drink. Unfortunately, he chokes on the cherry. Unable to breathe, Zorg starts to panic. CORNELIUS (mocking) Where's the robot to pat your back? Zorg falls, writhing, on his desk, inadvertently hitting buttons which trigger a slew of little mechanisms. They pop out all over the desk. True chaos reigns. Even a cage appears, holding a Souliman Aktapan, a fat multicolored beastie, PICASSO, who seems surprised to be out in daylight. He licks his half-dead master in thanks. Cornelius gets up and walks around the desk. Zorg motions for help. CORNELIUS Can I give you a hand? Cornelius whacks him on the back. The cherry comes flying out. Zorg regains control of himself. GUARDS come running in. ZORG You saved my life... So, I'm going to spare yours. (to the GUARDS) Throw him out! The GUARDS throw Cornelius out. CORNELIUS You are a monster, Zorg! ZORG (complimented) I know... The GUARDS drag Cornelius out of the office. ZORG ...Torture whoever you want, the president if you have to but I want those Stones. You have an hour. Right Arm salutes and hurries out of the office. 84 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - OMIT 85 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - OMIT 86 INT./EXT. STREET / TAXI - OMIT 87 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT 88 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - DAY - OMIT 89 INT. HALLWAY - OMIT 90 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT 91 INT. TAXI - OMIT 92 INT. ROOM - DAY - OMIT 93 INT. TAXI - OMIT 94 INT. ROOM - DAY - OMIT 95 INT. TAXI - OMIT 96 INT. SHAFT - OMIT 97 INT. GARAGE - OMIT 98 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - OMIT 99 INT. GARAGE - OMIT 100 INT. LOCKER ROOM GARAGE - OMIT 101 INT. GARAGE - OMIT 102 INT. LOCKER ROOM GARAGE - OMIT 103 INT. KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY - OMIT 104 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - OMIT 105 EXT. / INT. SPACE / SPACESHIP ...The dark planet. Three warships are positioned in front of it. Communication satellites arrive from all over the place, drawn to it like a magnet. CAPTAIN (observing) It's gobbling up all the communication satellites in the galaxy! 106 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg appears even more crushed by recent events. PRESIDENT Why the hell is it eating up all those satellites like that? HEAD SCIENTIST (desperate) ...We're working on it, Mr. President. We're working on it. PRESIDENT It should only choke on them. MUNRO enters the office just as a cockroach crawls onto the desk. There's a small antenna on its back. 107 INT. SMALL ROOM Zorg's Right Arm wears earphones, monitoring the President's conversation with the cockroach-spy. 108 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE / SMALL ROOM MUNRO I managed to contact the Mondoshawan. They deplore the incident, but accept our apologies. PRESIDENT (relieved) And the Stones? Did you find them in the wreckage? MUNRO The-Stones weren't aboard the ship. PRESIDENT (surprised) ...What do you mean? The President is all ears. So is Zorg's Right Arm. MUNRO The Mondoshawan never fully trusted the human race..they felt we're too unpredictable.. so they gave up the Stones to somebody they do trust. Her name is Plavalaguna. She's a Diva and she's going to sing at the charity ball on Fhloston Paradise in a few hours. She has the Stones with her. The President breathes easier. Zorg's Right Arm is delighted. PRESIDENT (taking off a shoe) Excellent! The President crushes the cockroach with his shoe. Right Arm's earphones fly off his head. Good-bye eardrums. 109 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT I want your best man on this! MUNRO Don't worry, Sir. I have the perfect one. 110 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY C.U. The most disgusting dessert ever made. Korben looks at it shimmying on a plate as the Thai serves it to him proudly. THAI Stewed jellyfish cake.. my speciality.. Korben forces a weak, polite smile as the Thai looks on expectantly. The phone rings. KORBEN Saved by the bell. Korben rises to get his cigarettes, and answer the phone. KORBEN ...Hello? MOTHER (V.O.) You're the nastiest dirtbag I know in this stinking City! KORBEN (resigned) Hi Ma... MOTHER (V.O.) I've been playing twice a week for 20 years, 20 years I've been eating those shitty croquettes. Korben goes to light his cigarette. There are only two matches left in the match box. Korben strikes one and it fizzles. MOTHER (V.O.) You wouldn't even eat one to help your poor mother, and you win the big prize? Know something? The whole thing makes me sick! The Thai starts to clean up. Just as Korben goes to strike the second match.. MOTHER (V.O.) Are you listening to me, you ingrate! KORBEN (resigned) Yes ma.. Korben sighs and puts the match back in the box. Korben enters his code on the keypad the Thai is holding. KORBEN (to the Thai) Go on... This is gonna take a while! The Thai casts oft. Korben closes the window. KORBEN Other than that... You all right? MOTHER (V.O.) ...And now you're making fun of me? I'm warning you! If you don't take me after all these years of sacrifice, I'll never forgive you!! The Thai flies off. In the hall, the cat meows-for more food. KORBEN (to the cat) I'm coming!. Ma, what're you talking about? MOTHER (V.O.) I get it! You want to make me beg, is that it? KORBEN All I want is an explanation! I just got in, I lost my job. I smashed my cab. I got mugged, but other than that everything's peachy, Ma, thanks for asking!! Now settle down and explain to me calmly.. A message drops in his tube. The red light goes on. MOTHER (V.O.) You just won a trip, you dolt! Ten days in Fhloston Paradise for two! KORBEN Ma. If I'd won, I'd know about it. Someone would have notified me. MOTHER (V.O.) They've been blaring out your name on the radio for the last hour, blockhead! He eyeballs the message still in the tube. The doorbell rings.- KORBEN Ma.. it's the door. I'll call you back. Korben hangs up before his mother can say anything and heads for the door. Before he gets there it opens, General Munro enters followed by a Captain and a Major. MAJOR ICEBORG is a woman. All she needs to become a man is a mustache. Munro opens a file. MUNRO (clipped) Major Dallas, if our calculations are correct you still have 57 hours owed to the Federal Army on your enlistment which is more than you will need for a mission of the utmost importance. KORBEN What mission? MUNRO To save the world. KORBEN Where have I heard this song before? MUNRO You're to leave immediately for Fhloston Paradise. Retrieve four Stones from the Diva Plavalaguna. And bring them back with the utmost discretion as possible. Any questions'? KORBEN (a little bewildered) Just one... why me? MUNRO Three reasons... One: As part of The Elite Special Forces Unit of the Federated Army you are an expert in the use of all weapons and spacecraft needed for this mission. Munro pulls out a long list of documents. MUNRO Two: Of all the members of your unit you were the most highly decorated. KORBEN And the third one? MUNRO You're the only one left alive... Munro removes the message Korben hasn't bothered to look at. MUNRO Don't you open your messages? KORBEN I've had enough good news for today MUNRO (by rote) You have won the annual Gemini contest and a trip to Fhloston Paradise. For two. Congratulations. Here are your tickets. He hands Korben the tickets. Korben gets it. KORBEN You rigged the contest? Munro nods. MUNRO Major Iceborg will accompany you... as your wife... The idea of taking a trip with Iceborg makes him sick. KORBEN (sarcastic) You couldn't come up with something a little more discreet? MUNRO Old tricks are the best tricks eh? KORBEN I'm not going. MUNRO Why not? KORBEN One reason... I want to stay the only one left alive. 110A INT. KORBEN'S HALL Leeloo and Cornelius search for Korben's apartment. Leeloo carries the card Korben gave her. Cornelius finds the apartment, and yanks the. number off the door. He waves Leeloo over as his hand goes to the bell. 110B INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT The doorbell rings. KORBEN ...Scuse me. Korben goes to the door and looks out the peephole: the beautiful Leeloo. Korben panics, overcome with happiness. KORBEN ...Shit! MUNRO (worried) What is it? Korben has two seconds to make up something to get rid of Munro. KORBEN It's my wife. MUNRO I thought you were divorced. KORBEN I mean my future.. my ex.. My future ex.. if she sees you here I'm finished. She hates you guys. It's what killed us in the first place. Please... He puts them in the fridge, shoving the jellyfish cake in Iceborg's hands. KORBEN ...Sorry, General, but we've got no choice! It'll only take a minute! Let me set up another meeting and I'll be back. MUNRO Three of us will never fit in there! KORBEN (pushing him) Oh, yes you will... Korben slams the fridge door. The doorbell RINGS again. KORBEN ...Coming! He whips through his place in ten seconds, gathers up things laying about, shuts drawers, rolls up his laundry in the folding bed. He brushes his hair back and opens the door with a big smile only to discover a gun stuck between his eyes held by Cornelius. LEELOO Apipoulai! KORBEN I suppose that means "Hi" ? CORNELIUS I'm sorry to have to resort to such methods, but we heard about your good luck on he radio and we need the tickets to Fhloston. KORBEN Is that the usual way priests go on vacation? CORNELIUS We're not going on vacation..we're on a mission.. KORBEN What kind of mission? CORNELIUS (sincere) We have to save the world. KORBEN (skeptical) Good luck.. CORNELIUS Of course. KORBEN Father, I was in the Army for awhile and every time they told us we were on a mission to save the world the only thing that changed was I lost a lot of friends. So thanks for the offer.. but no thanks. Cornelius is disappointed. Leeloo looks crestfallen. KORBEN I'm sorry.. VOICE This is a police control action.. Everyone freezes as the whole building resounds with the electronic voice. 111 INT. LANDING KORBEN'S BUILDING A group of POLICEMEN bursts into the hallway. One of the cops enters a code on the police wall box. A device descends from the ceiling, a flashing light-siren, a VOICE fills the air. VOICE This is not an exercise. This is a police control. Cornelius starts to panic. Korben takes charge. CORNELIUS Oh my god oh my god.. Korben pushes a button sending the fridge to the next floor. A shower takes it's place. KORBEN Leeloo, hide in here and don't move! Leeloo hops in. Korben tosses Cornelius on the bed. CORNELIUS What are you doing? KORBEN Trying to save your ass so you can save the world. ..and hits a button on the wall. The bed disappears into the wall. Korben grabs his tickets and slides them in his belt. 112 INT. LANDING KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY Meanwhile, the automatic police voice continues. VOICE ...Spread your legs and place your hands in the yellow circles, please. A COP slaps a viewer device on Korben's door which makes part of it transparent. COP 1 Put your hands in the yellow circles, please. Korben takes his time hiding his face. The Cop looks at his sheet. He's looking for a... KORBEN DALLAS. He has his picture, but it is Korben with long hair and beard. COP 1 (to COP 2) Sir? Are you a human? KORBEN No, I'm a meat popsicle. COP 3 (at the other end of the hall) I found him! C.U. Korben's calling card is clumsily stuck to the door of the neighbor's apartment. COP 3 slaps the viewer on the nasty neighbor's door. The neighbor is at his sink shaving instead of against the wall, COP 1 arrives with Korben's picture. COP 1 Sir, this is a control. Please put your hands in the yellow circles. The neighbor steps right up to the viewer, shaving cream on his face. He could pass for Korben. NEIGHBOR Fuck you!! 113 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT Korben still has his hands to the wall. KORBEN Wrong answer. SHOT O.S. EXPLOSION. Scuffle. 114 INT. HALL The riot police hustle down the hall dragging the neighbor behind them in a canvas bag. A cop is on the wall phone. COP OK, we got the guy under wraps. 115 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Right Arm is on the phone, facing Zorg. COP (O.S.) It was not easy, but we bagged him!. Thanks for the tip! RIGHT ARM (smiling) Glad to help. He hangs up. RIGHT ARM They just arrested the guy for Uranium smuggling. Everything's going as planned. He shows him a plane ticket, and a passport with his picture and Korben's name. RIGHT ARM All I have to do now is to go to the airport and take his place. I should be in Fhloston in less than four hours. Zorg sits there quietly for a moment. ZORG Don't come back without the Stones. 116 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT Korben opens the shower door. Leeloo is soaking wet, her teeth chattering from the cold. KORBEN I'm really sorry.. there wasn't time. His eyes fall on an old blanket. KORBEN Here let me wrap you up. Korben wraps her in an blanket and vigoroualy rubs her back. Leeloo warms gradually and snuggles closer to that warm comfortable shoulder. Korben's rubbing slows, looking more like caresses. KORBEN ..It's funny. I've met you twice today and you've ended up in my arms both times. Leeloo suddenly realizes that she has maybe gone a bit too far. She recovers, looking embarrassed too. LEELOO (nicely) Valo massa... Chacha hamas. KORBEN Uh..you're welcome. The intimacy makes him nervous. He looks for a diversion. KORBEN Coffee! That's what you need! A nice, hot cup of coffee! He pushes a button on the coffee machine. KORBEN With some honey! You'll see, honey's great!... Korben rummages through the drawer. Leeloo, innocent, doesn't seem to quite understand everything that is going on. KORBEN A hot cup of coffee... with honey... He rummages through the cupboard, exceedingly nervous. Leeloo smiles and begins to look around. She opens a drawer and comes upon.. KORBEN (nervously) I've got this great honey somewhere. You know about honey? There used to be these little animals who made it with antenna... ..pictures of Major Korben Dallas War Hero. KORBEN ..and these other animals who ate it.. one were bees the other were bears.. She looks back to the man fumbling for honey. KORBEN I forget which ate it and which made it but.. And she smiles. KORBEN Here it is! Korben holds up the jar of honey. KORBEN Taste this... Leeloo innocently sticks his finger in the jar then puts it in her mouth. KORBEN It... melts in your mouth, doesn't it? She savors the honey, slowly; sensually. Her lips shine with honey. Her eyes narrow with pleasure. Korben is hypnotized by her lips, like a moth attracted to a flame. He begins to lose control, which makes him nervous. An indistinct sound comes from the wall. But Korben is so entranced with the sight of Leeloo licking her honied fingers, he doesn't hear it until it becomes quite a racket. KORBEN You hear that? LEELOO (licking) Cornelius.. KORBEN Oh god! Korben pushes the button on the wall. The bed pops out, fully made, with Cornelius tucked in it, struggling to get out. KORBEN I'm really sorry.. let me help you.. Korben begins to pull at the covers when.. LEELOO Achta ge lumitai de matala.. Korben turns.. KORBEN What? He turns to Leeloo struggling out of her wet clothes. His breath is taken away by the sight of her perfect body. Cornelius whacks him heavily on the head with a lamp. Korben drops to the floor. LEELOO (displeased) Vano da, mechteba?! Soun domo kala chon hammas! CORNELIUS No, I'm not proud of myself... But we don't have the luxury of choice. 117 INT. ENTRANCE KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY The POLICE exit the elevator and head for the front door. A cop suddenly takes a hit from a silencer, then a second. Others are bashed on the head by MANGALORE warriors. One of them picks up the prisoner bag, takes it into a small shed. 118 INT. SHED Aknot, the Mangalore leader, is seriously wounded and can't walk. AKANIT Korben Dallas! We got him. AKNOT Perfect... Take command, Akanit. Go to Fhloston and get the Stones... If Zorg really wants them... He'll have to negotiate. Revenge is at hand. 119 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY Korben gets unsteadily to his feet, some blood drips down his face. He daubs at it. KORBEN Jesus!... Some priest! The phone rings, he manages to answer. KORBEN Yeah? MOTHER (V.O) Have you pulled yourself together? KORBEN ...Not yet. He hangs up. Korben opens the fridge door. The three officers are frozen solid. Korben grabs some ice, presses it to his forehead. KORBEN I'll take the mission. He closes the door. 120 INT. AIRPORT HALL - DAY Cornelius and Leeloo (still damp) arrive at the Manhattan Intergalactic Airport. A huge hall three quarters filled with trash piled up to the ceiling. There are groups of extra-terrestrials on strike standing in trash holding picket signs. A SECURITY GUARD picks up a phone off the wall. SECURITY GUARD Illegal gathering in Zone 4. A hand taps Leeloo from behind. She whips around catching David in the face. CORNELIUS Leeloo, be careful. He turns to David who in holding his bloody nose. CORNELIUS Did you get them? David hands Cornelius two passports. CORNELIUS Excellent... Leeloo Dallas. He hands it to her. The name makes her smile. CORNELIUS And Korben David Dallas. She frowns. LEELOO Akta dedero ansila do mektet. CORNELIUS I can't pretend to be your husband... David's in great shape. She looks at David holding his bloody nose. CORNELIUS He'll protect you. Go on... See the Diva... get the Stones... See you at the temple... God be with you. ANGLE ON: Korben comes rushing into the airport. Walking quickly, he scopes the hall looking for Leeloo. A POLICE PATROL bearing down on the STRIKERS jostles him. The cops open fire. The strikers dive into the garbage and disappear. 121 INT. BOARDING GATE David nervously puts tickets and IDs on the check-in counter. Leeloo tosses her suitcase on the conveyor belt. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT Congratulations on winning the contest. David gives her a bleak smile. Leeloo rolls her eyes. Back a ways, Korben has spotted Leeloo and... David. He heads right for them. Leeloo's seen him. She is both delighted and panicked. David's seen nothing. Korben presses one of his fingers like a gun to David's back. KORBEN (friendly) Hey! I really thought I was going to miss my flight! (to David) Thanks, kid! You put the luggage on the conveyor belt? DAVID (freaking) Uh... yeah. KORBEN (smiling) Great! Now beat it! Paralyzed, David leaves. Korben turns to the attendant. KORBEN Excuse me. I was so afraid I'd miss the flight that I sent the kid here to pick up my boarding card. He looks at David's fake ID. KORBEN ...My cousin David... Leeloo is unable to hold back a smile. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (looking at Leeloo's ID) Your wife? Korben grabs the ID and reads it. KORBEN Uh, yes... Newlyweds. (aside) You know how it is... Love at first sight. You meet, something goes tilt,. you get married, you hardly know each other. Right, darling? Leeloo rips her boarding card out of the attendant's hand. LEELOO (sharply) Dinoine chagantakat! KORBEN Took the words right out of my mouth. Go on... I'll be right with you. (to Check-in Attendant) It's our honeymoon. We're going to use the trip to get to know each other better. He winks at the stewardess. ANGLE ON: The neighbor and a tawdry young girl cross the airport. The couple in almost knocked over by a police patrol holding a 500 pound PIG on a stainless steel leash. The couple panics a moment, the realize the patrol isn't for them. The pig heads for the pile where the strikers disappeared. COP (to pig) Come on, snyffer, go root! The pig piles into the garbage. The Cop cuts it some slack. Cornelius sits at a bar. CORNELIUS (to the bartender) I feel so guilty sending her to do the dirty work. I know she was made to be strong but she's also so fragile... So human. You know what I mean? The bartender, a robot, nods his head as he pours Cornelius a drink. ANGLE ON: The nasty neighbor and his wife hand their tickets to the check-in attendant. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (surprised) Dallas... Korben... NEIGHBOR (in a different voice) Yes, that's me. The check-in attendant triggers a transparent blue light that shines on their faces, revealing two other faces: Mangalores. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (smiling) Just a minute, please. She hits a silent alarm, but the Mangalores feel something is wrong. NEIGHBOR We'll be right back ... we're gonna check out the duty free... They spin around and hurry away. ANGLE ON: Cornelius at the bar, half in the bag. ROBOT The same? CORNELIUS Yeah... DAVID (V.O.) Make that two... Cornelius turns to David. CORNELIUS Where's Leeloo? DAVID On the plane... with Mr. Dallas... the real one. CORNELIUS It's all my fault. I'm the servant... It's my mission! Here! He hands David the Temple Key from around his neck. CORNELIUS Here's the key to the Temple.. Prepare for our arrival! Cornelius tosses David's drink into his own, downs it all in one shot, and takes off, passing the Mangalore couple headed for the exit. They are very nervous. A police patrol is coming. This time, it seems to be for them. NEIGHBOR (to the tawdry girl) Tell Aknot plan A flopped. Tell him to go to plan B. The tawdry girl nods and peels off. The neighbor takes out a gun and blasts away at the cops. The cops fire back. A firefight rages in the hall. The tawdry girl dives into a pile of garbage and disappears. COP (into walkie-talkie) ...Send in a back-up unit, Zone 7! ANGLE ON: On one side of the hall, a trap door opens. Three pigs come running out, grabbed by their police handler. Cornelius waits until everyone has left, gets down on all fours and crawls through the trapdoor reserved for the pigs. 122 INT. FIRST CLASS LOUNGE Leeloo stands at the buffet in the first class lounge eating everything in sight. 123 INT. HALL Korben is led down the hall by a STEWARDESS. STEWARDESS You are so lucky... Loc Rhod is the coolest DJ in the universe. KORBEN Listen... I don't want to be interviewed. I'd prefer to remain anonymous. The stewardess stops in the corridor. STEWARDESS Forget anonymous. You'll be doing Loc Rhod's live show every day from 5 to 7! KORBEN (expression changes) You gotta be kidding! The stewardess smiles and shakes her head. The door next to him suddenly swings open and smashes him in the face. In walks LOC RHOD amidst a tornado of music and security guards. He is young, good-looking, eccentric, charming as an elf or sly as a fox. A bundle of energy. He is the 24th century's most popular DJ. LOC RHOD (speedy, in rhythm) Korben Dallas! Here he is The most hated man in the universe. The one and only winner of the Gemini Croquette contest! Ladies, start melting 'cause the boy's hot! Hot! Hot! The boy is perfect.. (he feels his muscles) ...The right size, right build, right hair. Right on! Say something-to those 50 billion pair of ears out there D-man! An ASSISTANT hands a totally lost Korben a mike. KORBEN (hesitant) ...Hi. LOC RHOD Does it get any better or what! Loc Rhod grabs Korben's arm and leads him down the hallway, as fast as the music. LOC RHOD ...Quiver ladies, he's gonna set the world on fire right here from 5 to 7! You'll know everything there is to know about the D-man. His dreams, his desires, his most intimate of intimates. And from what I'm looking at intimate is the stud muffin's middle name. So tell me my main man... you nervous in the service? KORBEN Uh... not really. Loc Rhod lets go of Korben's arm and grabs the Stewardess. LOC RHOD Freeze those knees, my chickadees, 'cause Korben is on the case with a major face... Loc Rhod rubs up against the stewardess. LOC RHOD ...Start drooling, ladies! My man here is a sharp-tongued Sire who's gonna stroke your every desire. They come to an intersection. The airline company has prepared drinks for them. Loc Rhod pushes on, grabs a glass of champagne, scribbles his autograph. LOC RHOD Yesterday's unknown will be tomorrow's Prince of Fhloston Paradise, the hotel of a thousand and one follies, home of luxury and beauty. A magic fountain flowing with non-stop wine, women and Bootchie Koochie Koo... He tosses away his champagne glass. LOC RHOD Beware out there puppy dogs my man is on the prowl. Owwww! Howling, Loc Rhod grabs another stewardess by the arm. LOC RHOD ...And start licking your stamps little girls, this guy's gonna have you writing home to Momma! Tomorrow from 5 to 7, I'll be your voice, your tongue and I'll be hot on the tail of the sexiest man of the year... D-man... Your man... My man. The stewardess shivers. A BEEP is heard. VOCODER (O.S.) End of transmission. The MUSIC suddenly stops. Several assistants come and compliment Loc Rhod who sighs, lights up a cigarette, and drops his pretense. LOC RHOD Korben sweetheart do me a favor I know this is probably the biggest thing that ever happened to you in your inconsequential life. But I've got a show to do here and it's got to pop. So tomorrow, when we're on air, give me a hand... Try to make believe you have more than a one word vocabulary. OK pal? That does it. Korben grabs him by the collar and drags him into a corner. Loc Rhod's feet don't touch the ground. KORBEN (pissed) I didn't come here to play Dumbo on the radio. So tomorrow between 5 and 7 give yourself a hand, that clear pal? LOC RHOD (petrified) Crystal. 124 INT. AIRPORT The Check-in attendant has two more tickets in her hand. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (alter a moment, reading) ...Mr. Dallas... Korben Dallas? Zorg's Right Arm gives her a big smile. RIGHT ARM That's right. The attendant scans the ID with a yellow beam, it checks out, and the blue light reveals no other face but his. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT The problem is I only have one Korben Dallas on my list... and he's already checked in. Right Arm's smile shatters. RIGHT ARM That's impossible! He's in j... I mean, there must be some mistake. I have my ticket! I'm the real Korben Dallas! A shrill BELL rings out. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (smiling) I'm sorry, sir, boarding is finished. The attendant hits a button. A thick window slowly slides up between them. Right Arm totally loses it. RIGHT ARM I want to see your boss! Get rid of this fucking window! Somebody's made a mistake, goddamnit! He pounds on the counter with both fists. A steel curtain comes down. Red sighting beams target spots on his body, ten gun barrels protrude from the wall, all aimed at him. VOICE (O.S.) This is not an exercise. This is a police control. Put your hands in the nearest yellow circles... RIGHT ARM (slowing down) Sorry, my fault... Just a little overexcited... that's all... I'm calm now. 125 INT. SHUTTLE - DAY Korben makes his way in the plane looking for his seat. No more seats in modern planes, just individual travel boxes lined up like microwaves. He passes STEWARD holding his bloodied nose. He has found what he is looking for. He enters to.... Leeloo quietly stretched out in front of a computer screen. Korben slips in beside her. Leeloo in concentrating on the words that scroll rapidly past her on the screen. He doesn't understand what she is doing. LEELOO Apipoulai! KORBEN Not hard to find you...just follow the Chaos... Leeloo smiles, as if complimented. KORBEN Leeloo, listen to me... these tickets... they're not mine... I mean they are, but not for vacation like everyone thinks... I'm on an operation... and if I didn't come get you, you'd be in a shitload of trouble... I'd love to be on vacation with you... but now.... now I've got to work... And Leeloo... I would love to work in peace. Leeloo types in "LOVE" on the keyboard. LEELOO Love... KORBEN Yes! But "love" isn't the operative word here, PEACE is! Leeloo types in this new word. LEELOO (rather pleased) Peace... and love... She brings up a picture of a 60's style Hippie flashing a peace sign. Korben sighs and switches off the screen. KORBEN Sometimes you can't learn everything from a screen..sometimes it's better to ask someone who has experience.. LEELOO (quite happy) What is... Make Love? Korben just stares at her for a few minutes. KORBEN Know what? On that subject maybe you'd be better off asking the screen. He turns the computer back on. ANGLE ON: A STEWARDESS walks up the aisle of the shuttle pushing the red buttons on top of each individual box. VOICE (O.S.) ...to make your flight as short and agreeable as possible, our flight attendants are switching on the timing sleeper which will regulate your sleep during the trip... ANGLE ON: LEELOO (switching off the screen) OK! Finished! KORBEN Finished what? LEELOO Learning language. KORBEN Which one? LEELOO All 900. Korben doesn't know if he should laugh or not. KORBEN You learned 900 languages in five minutes?! LEELOO (pleased) Yes! Now it's your turn! I learned your language, you have to learn mine! KORBEN I know how to say "Hello". Teach me how to say "Good-bye", that's all I need. LEELOO Apipoussan! KORBEN Apipoussan? LEELOO Good! Do you know how we say "make love"? KORBEN (fumbling) Uh... LEELOO ...Hoppi-hoppa. Korben literally melts. KORBEN (to himself) Help... Luckily, a stewardess smiles at him through the box window. STEWARDESS Sweet dreams, Mr. Dallas! The stewardess sets the timing sleeper. Korben and Leeloo immediately fall asleep. A STEWARDESS at the other end of the shuttle has a problem. STEWARDESS 2 Mr. Loc Rhod you have to assume your individual position. LOC RHOD (hugging her) I don't want an individual position, I want all positions! STEWARDESS 2 (resisting somewhat) We're going to take off soon, Mr. Rhod! LOC RHOD Now you're talking! 126 INT. COCKPIT FHLOSTON SPACE SHUTTLE Three CREW MEMBERS prepare for liftoff. COPILOT (on the radio) Molecular axis authorization. Vector 130. Destination Fhloston. Stewardess 1 enters the cockpit. STEWARDESS 1 Zone 1. 217 locked. The sleep regulator is OK. PILOT (checking her out) Thanks, Miss. The Stewardess leaves with a smile. A red light flashes on the vast control panel. MECHANIC Tell the ground crew we've got parasites in the landing gear. 127 INT. AIRPORT LANDING STRIP - DAY A GROUND CREW MEMBER goes over to the truck parked under one of the plane's wings and bangs on the side of it with a shout. GROUND CREW MEMBER Disinfecting! Two DISINFECTORS in hermetically sealed suits exit the truck. They go over to the front landing gear and send up a whooshing beam. The flame burns everything it touches. A pack of repugnant creatures falls squealing from the landing gear. A small trapdoor is opened under the shuttle and a huge slightly phosphorescent tube falls out. 128 INT. AIRPORT HALL / ZORG'S OFFICE Zorg's Right Arm is in a phone booth in the middle of the hall. RIGHT ARM Yeah, it's me... Put Zorg on. He is already sweating. ZORG (cold) I'm listening. RIGHT ARM The real Korben Dallas is on the plane! He took my place. ZORG This is a joke, right? 129 INT. SHUTTLE Loc Rhod is wrapped around a stewardess like a snake. LOC RHOD No!! I swear to God! I've never been this sincere with a human before! 130 EXT. LANDING STRIP TWO GROUND CREW MEMBERS stick an enormous, highly phosphorescant tube into the opening. GROUND CREW MEMBER You're fueled and ready to go. Have a nice flight. 131 INT. SHUTTLE PILOT (to copilot) Everything ready for liftoff? 132 INT. CABIN STEWARDESS (weakly, to Loc Rhod) No, no... I'm not ready! I'd like to talk first... 133 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE / AIRPORT HALL ZORG I cannot hear you. We have a bad connection here. What's your number? Right Arm reads off the phone number. RIGHT ARM 278-500-645-321 ZORG I'll call you back. 134 EXT. LANDING STRIP The runway is now empty. A man slips out of the shadows. It's Cornelius. He scurries over to the front landing gear. He pauses for an instant, the climbs up the wheel well and disappears inside the shuttle. 135 INT. SHUTTLE The pilots are going through the pre-flight check list. COPILOT Anti static pressure? MECHANIC Primed. The mechanic presses a series of buttons. 136 INT. CABIN Loc Rhod undoes a series of buttons on the stewardess' blouse, behind a curtain. He whispers a poem. Impossible to resist him. Outside the curtain the stewardess' legs rise slowly. 137 EXT. LANDING STRIP On the ground, protective fire curtains rise slowly to contain the engine exhaust on liftoff. 138 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE A keyboard slowly appears in front of Zorg. ZORG (typing the number) 278... 500... 139 SERIES OF QUICK CUTS: The pilot gradually turns the engines up. COPILOT 10 seconds... PILOT Power increase. - The stewardess undergoes a power surge from Loc Rhod that's about to lift her of. - Zorg finishes gleefully typing in the number. ZORG 3... 2... 1... - The engines at full blast. - The stewardess in close to screaming. PILOT Liftoff. - The copilot pushes a button. - So does Zorg. - The engines release their full power. - The stewardess screams in ecstasy. - In the hall, Right Arm literally explodes along with the phone and everything else within 60 feet. 140 INT. FHLOSTON SPACE SHUTTLE The stewardess' legs slowly descend and disappear behind the curtain. 141 INT. COCKPIT In the cockpit, the atmosphere loosens up. COPILOT (relaxing) Landing gear secure. Let's light one up. 142 INT. CABIN Korben and Leeloo sleep soundly in their box. Leeloo has a smile on her face and her hand in Korben's. 143 EXT. OUTERSPACE - NIGHT The spaceship rockets past us, then suddenly vanishes with amazing speed. Space is now empty and calm. Billions of stars glow in perfect silence. 144 EXT. SPACE The nefarious planet in still there, immobile, even larger now, writhing like a serpent. Then, suddenly, for no apparent reason, all activity stops and it becomes gray and cold. 145 INT. SPACESHIP In the Admiral's starship, scientists watch the measuring device. One of the devices suddenly starts working. TECHNICIAN All right! We're finally getting something! 146 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The Head Scientist stands facing the President, who is looking more tired than ever. HEAD SCIENTIST The thing is sending out radio wavelengths! PRESIDENT What the hell does it want with radio waves? HEAD SCIENTIST ...Probably wants to make a call! The President and his Generals look at him in astonishment. 147 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Picasso purrs contentedly on Zorg's lap. The phone rings. SECRETARY (O.S.) Mr. Shadow on the line. Zorg shoots to his feet. Picasso tumbles to the floor. Zorg picks up the phone, both excited and uneasy. He stands there, almost coming to attention. ZORG Yes... Zorg here. The voice is feeble. It comes from the far reaches of time, from the bowels of the universe. SHADOW Am I disturbing you? ZORG No... not at all. Where are you? SHADOW'S breathing is awesome. SHADOW ...Not far, now. ZORG Really? Maybe I can get you on my screen and see you at last! Zorg brings up a huge screen and pushes a few buttons. In the middle of an electronic snowstorm, a blackish, vaguely human, quiverinq form appears. Two eyes, like lava, give an idea where the head is. Zorg feels sick. SHADOW Do you have the picture now Mr. Zorg? ZORG Got it. SHADOW How's our deal coming along? ZORG (ill at ease) Fine, just fine! I'll have the 4 pieces you asked for any time now. But it wasn't easy. My costs have tripled. Shadow pauses an instant. A black slimy liquid starts to ooze from the top of the screen. Zorg is feeling worse all the time. SHADOW Money is of no importance... I want the Stones! The black liquid oozes all over the screen which starts to melt. Zorg sweats profusely, his legs tremble. ZORG The Stones will be here. I'll see to it personally! SHADOW ...I can't wait to be among you. Zorg sighs and sits down totally freaked. 148 EXT. ORBIT FHLOSTON PARADISE The space shuttle fills the screen. It banks left and begins its descent toward Fhloston, the turquoise planet. Crystal blue water, perfect white sand beaches. A true paradise. 149 INT. SPACE SHUTTLE The stewardess picks up a microphone to make an announcement. STEWARDESS Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our descent toward Fhloston Paradise... Stewardesses walk down the aisles waking the passengers one by one. They press a button on the door of each box. In the corner, Loc Rhod and the stewardess awake with a start and straighten their clothes quickly. The stewardess is embarrassed. STEWARDESS (timidly) I wanted to tell you that... Loc Rhod puts on his sunglasses and presses a finger to her lips. He disappears behind the curtain leaving the sighing stewardess on her own. 150 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE The spaceship descends through some clouds and glides over a vast turquoise sea. Fhloston Paradise looms into view. An enormous oceanliner floating a dozen yards above the water. On closer inspection it is more modern than a traditional oceanliner. The shuttle draws near, looking ridiculously small next to the monster. Like a sardine next to a whale. 151 INT. COCKPIT A blinking light goes on. PILOT Shit! Parasites in Zone 1. Take a look. The 1st Mate heads off. 152 INT. CABIN A stewardess opens Korben's box door. He is still heavy with sleep. He looks over at Leeloo. She's not there. 153 EXT. FHLOSTON The tiny space shuttle clings to the huge oceanliner. 154 INT. COCKPIT The Pilot maneuvers the ship into it's docking area. PILOT Docking activated. You can let the passengers out. 155 INT. REAR OF COCKPIT The 1st mate pries open the door to an overhead panel. Cornelius falls out, hanging in a jumble of wires. 156. INT. ENTRANCE HALL FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY The enormous door opens and the passengers exit. Leeloo is among them. She appears quite impressed by the beauty and luxury of the 19th century decoration. 157 INT. CABIN Korben attempts to make his way up the shuttle's aisle. KORBEN (jostling everybody) Pardon me. Excuse me. I'm trying to reach my wife.. Sorry! 158 INT. ENTRANCE HALL A dozen policemen wait patiently at the end of the hall. Leeloo stops and presses against the wall. She spots Korben leaving the shuttle. A gorgeous HOSTESS comes up to him, drapes a lei around his neck and plants a kiss on his lips in welcome. HOSTESS (smiling) Welcome to Paradise. Korben's face is covered in lipstick. Leeloo sees he did nothing to stop the girl and she doesn't like it. A HEFTY MAN wearing a sarong drapes some flowers around her neck. Then, obviously relishing it, he leans down to kiss her. Leeloo bashes him on the forehead. The hefty man straightens up. He's still smiling, but his nose is bleeding. He falls slowly to the floor. Korben pushes forward trying to spot Leeloo. He also tries to wipe the lipstick off. Leeloo tries to escape through a door marked PERSONNEL ONLY, but it's locked. A HOST looks at her with a grin. HOST (playful) If you don't have the code you can't open it! Leeloo smiles and punches in an old code and twists the doorknob. The door opens with the sound of a braking lock. Leeloo smiles sweetly and enters as if nothing were amiss. A shriek of joy fills the room. Korben turns around. The HOSTESSES cluster around Loc Rhod as he comes out of the plane. Loc Rhod spots Korben and latches onto his arm. It's not going to be easy to remain discrete. LOC RHOD (relieved) My main man! Please don't leave me here alone. My head's killing me and my adoring fans are gonna tear me apart! Get me outta here! KORBEN I'll take you to the bar, after that, you're on your own. LOC RHOD (hanging on to Korben) Oh, yes! Do that! You treat me right, man. Tell me all about yourself, your roots, your personal life, your childhood dreams... KORBEN I don't think this is a good time... LOC RHOD ...You got brothers and sisters? What about your dad? Tell me about your dad! What was he like? Physically? Big, I suppose? KORBEN (evasive) Yeah, very big, a giant. LOC RHOD I didn't have a dad... never saw him... never even heard him. 50 billion people listen to me every day... and he doesn't hear me... 159 INT. SMALL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY Leeloo is in a small room, ear at the door, listening. Everything seems normal. She turns and discovers the room for what it is: a rest room for... three cops who look up from their books and stare blankly at her. Leeloo doesn't know what to do. So she smiles. 160 INT. HALL - OMIT 161 INT. MAIN HALL FHLOSTON PARADISE - OMIT 162 EXT. ORBIT FHLOSTON PARADISE - DUSK - OMIT 163 INT. THE CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - DUSK - OMIT 164 INT. KORBEN'S STATEROOM The door opens. The HOSTESS turns on the light and enters. Korben follows her, gaping at all the luxury. The BAGGAGE BOY enters bringing Leeloo's two suitcases. Korben grabs the notice announcing Diva Plavalaguna's concert at 5:30 in that evening. Dress: Formal attire. KORBEN For the concert it says formal attire... I didn't bring... The hostess pulls back the closet door. Twenty tuxedos in a row. HOSTESS (looking him over) Here's some champagne. I'll drop by after the concert to open it. She gives him a blinding smile and closes the door. Korben pushes a button. The curtains open to reveal a most spectacular view of the turquoise planet. Stars shoot out into infinity. Breathtaking. Korben stands gaping. The phone rings, snapping him out of his reverie. KORBEN Hello? MOTHER (O.S.) You little sleaze bag! KORBEN ...Ma??? MOTHER (O.S.) Don't you ever ask me for another thing in my life again, you've killed your poor mother with your own hands! Korben drops into an armchair and sighs. His eyes go to the ceiling. KORBEN ...Ma!!! 165 INT. CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - OMIT 166 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE POLICE OFFICE - DAY The Chief of Police has Cornelius in front of him, handcuffed. FOG The Diva's ship is coming in. CHIEF OF POLICE I want maximum security. FOG Yes. Sir! CHIEF OF POLICE (to Cornelius) OK, let's hear it. CORNELIUS Where was I? CHIEF OF POLICE (bored) ...You open the door. There's a cabby with a girl in his arms. FOG opens the door. Two COPS come hobbling in all bloody and bandaged. They hold up a THIRD COP. CHIEF OF POLICE What happened? A bomb go off in your face? BEAT-UP COP Yeah... A 5 foot 7 inch bomb... with green eyes. Cornelius perks up. CORNELIUS And the smile of an angel? They all turn to look at him. CORNELIUS (to Chief) May I speak to you alone. 167 INT. CORRIDOR FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY Leeloo watches the Diva's arrival. A door opens and two POLICEMAN clear the way for DIVA PLAVALAGUNA, her MANAGER, her BODYGUARDS and a gaggle of PORTERS carrying trunks. Not wanting to draw attention to herself, Leeloo feigns interest in a painting that is obviously upside down. A white chiffon veil covers the face of the Diva, she stops in front of Leeloo. The Diva reaches out and strokes Leeloo's face, without touching her. The Diva removes her hand making a sound of crackling electricity, then passes on. Leeloo is groggy. The Diva's ASSISTANT comes up to her. DIVA'S ASSISTANT Please forgive this little incident. She wants you to know that she senses great powers in you... in the service of a noble cause... She will give you what you have come to get, but she wants to sing first... One last time... The Diva's assistant turns the painting right side up. DIVA'S ASSISTANT (nodding) Miss. Leeloo looks at the painting, seems to understand it better. 168 EXT. DIVA'S SUITE Policemen stand at attention in front of the Diva's suite. FOG Hello, I'm head of security. Everything is in order. You can... The Diva enters her suite without letting him finish. FOG ...make yourselves at home safely. If you need anything...give it a knock! 169 INT. POLICE OFFICE HALLWAY - NIGHT A door opens near the police officer's main entrance. Cornelius looks both ways. Then crosses the hall, dragging the Chief of Police by the feet. 170 INT. KORBEN'S STATEROOM Korben finishes putting on his tux, still on the phone. KORBEN Listen, Ma! I've only got a few days vacation and I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend them on the phone. The door RINGS. KORBEN ...Hang on, it's the door. No! I told you I didn't bring anybody! I'm all alone... as usual! Korben opens the door. It's not the champagne. Even better. It's Leeloo. KORBEN (to his mother) ...I'll call you back. Leeloo heads right for her suitcase and starts to undress. Korben has to turn away once more. KORBEN Here we go again... LEELOO (by rote) You know women normally change five times more than men. KORBEN You get that off the screen? LEELOO Yes... you know there's a lot of differences between men women. KORBEN You noticed.. LEELOO OK, you can turn around! Korben turns around. Leeloo has put on a very simple dress which is sexy to the max. He is smitten. So much so that Leeloo wonders if something isn't quite right. KORBEN Where you going? LEELOO I'm going to see the Diva sing. What's the matter?... Do I look bad? KORBEN No, not at all! I mean, just the opposite, you're... you're beautiful! Leeloo smiles at him, his compliment pleases her. She turns, revealing her unzippered back. Korben cannot help but stare at her bare flesh. Her perfect bottom. LEELOO Do you know how this works? Korben's blood boils. She wriggles, pressing her hands together close to the zipper. KORBEN I have an idea. But instead of pulling on the zipper he slips a bracelet on her wrist. A flourescent beam bursts out of the bracelet and forms a vertical bar going from the floor to the ceiling. Stunned, Leeloo is held captive. KORBEN I told you I need to work in peace. Remember? I need to concentrate. LEELOO And you can't concentrate with me around?. KORBEN It's difficult. She tries to breakout. KORBEN Army issue. I'm sorry. Leeloo tries desperately to get out of the handcuffs. Impossible. Korben sets the radio down in front of her and turns it on. Leeloo looks like she'd like to break his head. LEELOO (seething) You're nothing but a... a... KORBEN The words you're looking for weren't in the dictionary you studied. I won't be long. The door flies open. Loc Rhod barges in. LOC RHOD Hey Stud we gotta... Then he sees the scene, Leeloo cuffed, in a low cut dress. His mind goes to the obvious. LOC RHOD Korben my man what's happening here? Who's the chick? What's the gig? We free forming here? Getting funky with the monkey? Can I get in on this? Korben grabs him by the collar.. KORBEN No..to all of the above. And yanks Loc Rhod out of the room. Leaving Leeloo looking extremely unhappy. 171 INT. RADIO - OMIT 172 INT. LOC RHOD'S STATEROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT - OMIT 173 INT. HALL - OMIT 174 INT. BATHROOM - OMIT 175 INT. DIVA'S SUITE FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT - OMIT 176 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE OPERA - NIGHT Loc Rhod and Korben enter what turns out to be a replica of the Garnier Opera in Paris. A hostess escorts them to their seats. LOC RHOD (broadcasting) We have just walked into what is probably the most beautiful concert hall in the universe. Totally awesome! Magnificent paintings on the ceiling. I don't know who painted them, but he must have busted his balls! I see a row of former ministers, more sinister than minister! A few generals practicing how to sleep. And there's Baby Ray, star of stage and screen, drowning in a sea of nymphets. He's not gonna get much out of this concert, he's stone-deaf! ANGLE ON: Baby Ray bending his ear to a girl asking for an autograph. BABY RAY ...to who? LOC RHOD (moving down the aisle) ...And over there is Roy Von Bacon, the king of laserball and the best paid player in the League. (shakes hands as he goes by) ...And over there is the Emperor Kodar Japhet whose daughter Aachen is still at the bar. "I love to sing, too, but in the shower", she recently confessed to me. She will no doubt prove to be as generous tonight as she always is. A waiter gives them two glasses of champagne. Track with the WAITER an he leaves the hall with his empty tray. He enters a small room reserved for staff. 177 INT. STAFF ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The waiter joins some other WAITERS. They are well armed. He opens a cupboard and pulls out a humongous weapon. Suddenly their faces burn off revealing AKANIT, the young leader of the Mangalores, and his troops. AKANIT It's showtime! 178 INT. CONCERT HALL The lights dim slowly in the concert hall. 179 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindbergh and his staff, including Munro, sit at the desk. Speakers appear. 180 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Leeloo, still a prisoner, listens to the concert. 181 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben is tense. The curtain rises. The Diva, in a stunning gown, stands in the center of the stage, head bowed. Behind her, a star filled window. The MUSIC begins. The Diva looks up, a rare beauty, but an alien. And then she begins to sing. Her voice is divine, unmatched. Korben is swept up in the TEARS. 182 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Leeloo has tears in her eyes 183 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The manager couldn't care less about the concert. His main problem is the bottle of scotch he can't seem to open. The doorbell RINGS. MANAGER (ugly mood) Yeah!? VOICE (O.S.) Flowers for the Diva. MANAGER She's allergic to flowers!!! VOICE (O.S.) There's champagne as well... The manager takes one look at the stubborn bottle and opens the door. And finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun. A dozen Mangalores rush in. One of them, with a human face, closes the door and waits out in the hall. ANGLE ON: Cornelius watching from around the corner. CORNELIUS ...My God! 184 INT. CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE CAPTAIN Commander, I have a ship with a main malfunction. He requests permission to dock for repairs. COMMANDER Did you check out his registration number? CAPTAIN Everything's in order. COMMANDER Put him in the docking garage and inform the police. 185 INT. COCKPIT ZFX200 - NIGHT CAPTAIN (V.O.) Permission granted. Dock 575. You have an hour. Will that be enough time'? Zorg sits at the controls. ZORG (cold) More than enough. 186 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The ZFX approaches Fhloston. 187 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE The ship comes close enough for Leeloo to see it out the window. FLASHBACK: The same ships with Mangalores at the controls attack the Mondoshawans at the beginning of our story. 188 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Leeloo is alarmed. She has to act. She seizes the flourescent bar beam with great effort and rams it into the ceiling, marking a hole large enough for her to escape. 189 INT. CLOSET FHLOSTON PARADISE Cornelius bursts into the closet he left the Chief of Police tied and gagged in. He quickly unties him. CORNELIUS (in a panic) Mangalores! The Diva's suite! They want the Sacred Stones! They must be stopped. We must stop them!. I'm going to free you but you must promise to help me! The Chief of Police nods his agreement. 190 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The Mangalores have trashed the suite. One of the Mangalores finally finds a case engraved with the four elements. MANGALORE I have it. The Mangalore is about to open the case when... Leeloo descends quietly and gracefully from the ceiling. Time stands still. LEELOO (smiling) Apipoulai! 191 INT. CONCERT HALL The Diva switches from classical music to funk, picking up the tempo. INTERCUT': 192 INT. DIVA'S SUITE / CONCERT HALL. A WARRIOR whips out the biggest knife ever made and rushes Leeloo. She disarms him gracefully. A violent fight breaks out. The Diva sings and Leeloo dances. The Mangalores pay a heavy price for the show. 193 INT. CORRIDOR Hearing noise from inside the suite, the Mangalore by the door gets nervous. He runs for reinforcements. 194 INT. POLICE STATION Cornelius enters the police station wearing handcuffs. The Chief of Police is behind him holding a gun. 195 INT. DIVA'S SUITE / CONCERT HALL Leeloo knocks out the last Mangalore just as the Diva finishes her song to a burst of applause. The Diva takes a bow. So does Leeloo. 196 INT. ROOM Akanit and his men listen to the concert. The Mangalore guard runs in. MANGALORE They were waiting for us! It was an ambush! AKANIT If it's war they want it's war they'll get! Enact the Final Plan! All the Mangalores cock their weapons. 197 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Leeloo is about to open the case when the door EXPLODES. Zorg is there holding a ZF1. ZORG My compliments, little lady! ...And thanks for doing all the dirty work! I couldn't have done it any better myself! (sharply) ...Now hand over the Stones! Leeloo smiles and hands him the case. Zorg arms the ZF1 and gets ready to kill her. ZORG Nice knowing you. Leeloo catches on quickly. She kicks the scotch bottle on the floor into the gun which throws Zorg's shot off. She jumps to the ceiling and disappears in an air vent. Furious, Zorg fires at the ceiling. 198 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo dodges the bullets as best as she can. 199 INT. SUITE Zorg fires his 3000 round clip. The ceiling looks like a piece of swiss cheese. Zorg sticks a small cylinder in the wall and flicks it on. The numbers flashing by tell us it's a bomb. The timer reads: 19 minutes and 59 seconds. ZORG (with a crafty smile) You can run but you can't hide... 200 INT. POLICE OFFICE FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT Cornelius is seated opposite the Chief of Police. A MEDIC is bandaging the chief's head. The door explodes. The cop outside in riddled with bullets. A dozen Mangalores attack the police office. Akanit is at their head. The policemen are caught unaware. AKANIT Nobody move! We're taking over this ship! The Chief of Police is goggle-eyed. Cornelius leans toward him. CORNELIUS (pleased with himself) I told you... 201 INT. CORRIDOR Zorg has the case and exits the suite just as the general alarm goes off. He sighs in exasperation. 202 INT. CONCERT HALL Three Mangalores suddenly rush into the opera hall shooting. MANGALORE 1 Everyone down! There is panic all around. LOC RHOD (broadcasting, panic stricken) Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're being... attacked. The place is crawling with warriors. 203 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg and his generals look very worried. 204 INT. CONCERT HALL Some security guards open fire one of the Mangalores is hit. The others turn their guns on the cops. People scream, diving for cover. Korben bides his time. More Mangalores rush in from all around shooting. Two cops are killed. The Diva... takes a bullet. She falls from the stage into Korben's arms. He lowers her to the floor. Korben ignores the panic all around and wraps her in his dinner jacket, trying to stop the blue blood spurting from her wounds. 205 EXT./ INT. SPACE AROUND FHLOSTON Zorg's ZFX200 speeds away from the boat. Zorg is at the controls, a devilish smile on his lips. ZORG You want something done, do it yourself! 206 INT. CONCERT HALL Fighting rages all around in the concert hall, but Korben is oblivious to it. He sets the Diva's head delicately on the floor. Loc Rhod is hidden nearby, still on the air. LOC RHOD (voice low, panicked) They're hideous. They've got a crest on the head, the eyes of a toad and fingers all over their hands. Totally hideous! 207 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE. MUNRO (worried) ...Mangalores! PRESIDENT Send a battalion out immediately! 208 INT. CONCERT HALL KORBEN (to the Diva) I was sent by the government to help you. DIVA Don't worry. This is my fate... How was the concert? Korben is a little surprised, but... the Diva is an artist. KORBEN I've never heard anything so beautiful in my life. A Mangalore jumps on them from the stage. Korben makes short work of him and grabs his gun. DIVA (weak) You're a good man... She was right to have chosen you... KORBEN Who? DIVA The Fifth Element... The Supreme Being... Your wife... Korben is floored. KORBEN Leeloo... is... she's... DIVA Yes, and more than that... You must give her the Stones, she's the only one who knows how to use them. KORBEN (to himself, suddenly realizing) ...So Cornelius was telling the truth! 209 INT. POLICE STATION The Mangalores tie up Cornelius and the Chief of Police together. CORNELIUS (to the Chief of Police) Of course I was telling you the truth!... If you had listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be in this predicament now! 210 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben wastes two more Mangalores. DIVA She needs you. She needs your help and your love. She's more fragile than she seems... Korben looks around, ready for another attack. KORBEN ...Yeah, so am I. The Diva takes his hand. DIVA She was taught to love the life of others... but not her own. You have to teach her to love if you want her to truly live! KORBEN (uncomfortable) I'll help her, I promise, but I think you should tell me where the Stones are! DIVA Do you love her? KORBEN I... I don't know! We hardly know each other... it takes time! DIVA I don't have time... I need to know. KORBEN Listen, the last time I admitted to a woman I loved her ... I never saw her again. DIVA I would like to have died in peace... The Diva's eyes close. 211 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The timer on Zorg's bomb clicks over to "15 minutes". 212 INT. CONCERT HALL KORBEN You tell me to save the world then you go off and leave me in the shit! He shakes her, gently slapping her cheeks. KORBEN Come on! You're not gonna die in peace! You're not going to die at all! You hear me? Where are the Stones? 213 INT. SPACESHIP Zorg sets the Sacred Case on a table in the cockpit. He opens it with a complacent smile: It's empty! He cannot believe his eyes. He goes berserk, destroying everything in sight. 214 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben slaps the Diva soundly. She comes around somewhat. KORBEN I'm sorry, but... the Stones... DIVA (very weak) They are... with me... The Diva dies. Blue blood streams from her mouth. Korben frisks the Diva but doesn't find anything. The shooting slowly stops in the theatre. The Mangalores are now in total control. MANGALORE 2 Stay calm and nobody will get hurt! Hands on your head and into the hall! The guests comply KORBEN (to himself) ...The Stones are with me? and then it occurs to him. KORBEN ...In me? He touches the Diva's stomach and senses something hard. Girding himself, he sticks his hand in the wound and pulls out a Sacred Stone. Then another. And another. Korben pulls out all four Stones, covered in blue blood. Everyone has left the theater. The Mangalores check the aisles one by one. Loc Rhod peeks out from under a seat. LOC RHOD Don't you think we'd better be going? A Mangalore spots Korben kneeling alongside the Diva. He grabs Korben by the shoulder and pokes him with his gun. MANGALORE Hey, you! With the others! Korben spins and, in one swift motion, breaks his arm. Just for starters. Another WARRIOR rushes over. Korben punches him into oblivion and snatches the gun. KORBEN That's it... I've had... all day people have been sticking guns in my face... Korben wraps up the four Stones in his shirt. LOC RHOD Korben man... These dudes are going to waste us if we don't do what they say. Korben gives him the package and grabs his mike. KORBEN You don't do what I say... I'll waste you myself. Got it? LOC RHOD Got it... 215 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg dabs his sweaty face with a towel. 216 INT. POLICE STATION Akanit is still in the police station facing control screens. He barks into a walkie-talkie. AKANIT What's the situation in the hall? 217 INT. HALL Hostages are being gathered in the middle of the hall. They are surrounded by Mangalores who guard them. MUGGER (into walkie-talkie) There's no more resistance. Everything's under control. Three Mangalores are suddenly blasted through the glass door leading to the theater. Korben bursts into the hall, two huge guns in his hands. KORBEN Everybody down! Korben takes out two more WARRIORS coming towards him, rolls behind a column. Laser bullets stinging all around his head. LOC RHOD This is amazing! Korben, Korben Dallas, the winner of the Gemini Croquette contest just killed three warriors like he was swatting flies... Panic everywhere! Heavy firing fills the hall. ANGLE ON: Roy von Bacon, the laserball player, rises from the floor behind a Mangalore, grabs him and smashes his head into a column, seizing the gun. ANGLE ON: Two Mangalores firing a huge machine gun at the column Korben is using for cover. He dives for cover behind the bar. ANGLE ON: Two Mangalores watch awestruck. Roy whistles behind them. The two Mangalores turn around. Roy bonks their heads together. LOC RHOD It's Roy von Bacon, the Lions center forward joining in the battle... Someone taps Loc Rhod on the shoulder. He jumps with fright. PRINCESS AACHEN (hot to trot) All this is terribly exciting, hmmm? Loc Rhod covers his mike. LOC RHOD GET OFF MY BACK! A Mangalore shoots in their direction. Loc Rhod flattens himself on the floor. A vase falls on the Princess knocking her out. A Mangalore loads some missiles in his gun and destroys the bar piece by piece forcing Korben to move forward. Korben motions to Baby Ray hiding under the pool table. KORBEN Toss me the balls! BABY RAY (terrified, still deaf) What? Another piece of the bar explodes. KORBEN The balls for Christ's sake! Korben apes playing pool, but Baby Ray really is stone-deaf. EMPEROR JAPHET He wants the balls! You deaf or something? The EMPEROR rolls the balls over to Korben. The Mangalore loads more missiles and shatters another part of the bar. Korben hides behind the last bit left. KORBEN How far is he from here? The EMPEROR glances at the Mangalore, who in reloading. EMPEROR I'd say about thirty yards to the left. Korben hefts the ball, jumps up and hurls it with blinding speed. The Mangalore catches it right in the head. He drops, firing in the air. The missile strikes the ceiling which collapses on him. The emperor gives Korben a thumb's up. LOC RHOD ...And our man Korben has literally knocked out the opposition with an amazing 90 foot pitch. The COPS on the floor rise, scoop up weapons from dead Mangalores and lay down a line of fire at the last of the fleeing rebels . Roy whirls his arm in victory. FOG Thanks for your help. KORBEN Forget it. Korben grabs Loc Rhod and takes him with him. 218 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Korben bursts into the room. He stares at the luminous bar still struck to the ground and sees the hole Leeloo escaped through. KORBEN Leeloo??? 219 INT. DIVA'S SUITE - CEILING Leeloo in bleeding all over. She can barely move. LEELOO (feeble) Kor... ban... 220 EXT. NEAR FHLOSTON The ZFX 200 speeds back toward Fhloston Paradise. 221 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The bomb timer now reads 10 minutes. 222 INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY - FHLOSTON PARADISE The last of the Mangalores have barricaded themselves in the back of the station and shoot at anything that tries to enter. Korben joins the policemen already there. COP 1 Hey, who are you? KORBEN The winner of the Gemini Croquette contest. Korben goes to the door and peeks around the corner. Loc Rhod arrives. KORBEN Seven to the left. Five to the right. COP What's he doing? Korben leans around the corner and fires rapidly. KORBEN Six to the left. One to the right. LOC RHOD He's on vacation. KORBEN (reloading) We got to find the leader. Mangalores don't fight without a leader. 223 INT. POLICE STATION Akanit gets up, grabs Cornelius by the throat and put a gun to his head. AKANIT One more shot and we start killing hostages, got that? 224 INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY KORBEN Found him... AKANIT (tense) Send someone to negotiate! KORBEN Mind if I go? I'm an excellent negotiator. COP 1 Uh... Sure, go ahead. Korben gets ready. COP 1 We're sending someone in who's authorized to negotiate. 225 INT. POLICE STATION Korben walks quickly into the room, heads straight for Akanit, raises his gun and puts a bullet through his head. KORBEN Anyone else want to negotiate? COP 2 (to another Cop) Where'd he learn to negotiate like that? 226 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO From us! The President gives Munro a hard look. 227 INT. CONTROL ROOM The police round up the remaining Mangalores. Korben is at the control center screens trying to find Leeloo. Cornelius comes over to him, embarrassed. CORNELIUS You're probably very angry with me and I quite understand. But I want you to know I'm fighting for a noble cause. KORBEN Yeah, I know... to save the world... but right now all I want to do is save Leeloo. CORNELIUS Leeloo's in trouble? KORBEN When is she not in trouble? CORNELIUS Uh.. Have you tried the Diva's suite? Korben realizes that Cornelius in probably right. 228 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE LANDING DOCK AND GARAGE The ZFX200 settles in the landing dock garage. SECURITY POLICE approach the ship just as Zorg in getting out holding the ZF1. POLICEMAN More trouble? ZORG Nothing I can't fix myself. He brings up the ZF1 and wipes out the garage. 229 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Korben enters the Diva's suite which is in shambles. He looks everywhere, but finds nothing. 230 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo lies in a pool of blood. She hears something below her. 231 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Exhausted, Loc Rhod wipes his forehead and finds himself face to face with the bomb stuck on the wall. Korben in busy looking for Leeloo. KORBEN (loudly) Leeloo? Up in the airshaft, Leeloo has heard him. LEELOO Korben... Her voice is too weak, Korben can't hear her. LOC RHOD Korben man... what the hell is this? Korben gives the bomb a prefunctory glance. KORBEN A molecular bomb. Three minutes left on the timer. LOC RHOD (increasingly worried) And, uh, what're these numbers clicking by? CORNELIUS Probably the time remaining before it explodes. Cornelius smiles and continues his search. LOC RHOD (weak smile) You're just saying that to scare me! Right? If it was a bomb, an alarm would've gone off. There's bomb detectors in all these hotels! A general alarm goes off. Loc Rhod is crushed. 232 INT. MAIN HALL The lights flicker. VOICE (O.S.) This is a Type A alert. For security reasons the hotel must be evacuated. Please proceed calmly to the lifeboats located in the main hallways. A wave of panic engulfs the hall. The cops are unable to hold back the crowd as it stampedes to the exits. 233 INT. CORRIDOR Zorg marches down the corridor shooting everyone in his path. 234 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Loc Rhod stands paralyzed in front of the flashing timer. Less than two minutes left. LOC RHOD Maybe we oughta be going, what do you think? KORBEN Not without Leeloo. Loc Rhod cannot take his eyes off the bomb. LOC RHOD Like D-Man, I hate to bother you but uh, like, we're down to 2 minutes here... Korben breathes out, bothered. He turns his attention to the bomb. KORBEN It's the latest model.. I've never seen one before... it works off a magnetic coded card... Let's see if I can rig it up. 235 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo sticks her fingers out one of the bullet holes and lets some of her blood drip down. The blood splats on Korben's hand. He snaps his head up and knows immediately who is up there. He forgets about the bomb. LOC RHOD Hey! What are you doing? The bomb! Korben drags the desk over, jumps on it and pokes his head in the torn up airshaft He spots Leeloo who gives him a weak smile. KORBEN Don't worry, I'm here now! He pulls her toward him, helps her out of the shaft and stretches her out on the desk. KORBEN Just relax. I've got the Stones. Everything's going to be fine. 30 seconds left on the timer. LOC RHOD (falling to pieces) Like Korben, can I have 30 seconds of your time here? KORBEN (to Leeloo) I'll be right back. Korben dashes over to the bomb. He is stopped by the barrel of the ZF1. Zorg, in person, holding a magnetic card. ZORG (smiling) Allow me... Zorg slips a small magnetic card in the bomb, it starts to count down from 5 minutes. ZORG Just for the fun of it. Loc Rhod faints. ZORG Well, what do we have here? Is this Korben Dallas? The famous winner of the Gemini Croquette contest? Or is this Korben Dallas from Special Section sent by old Lindberg himself. Korben doesn't reply. ZORG ...In any event, whoever you are, I was glad to meet you. Zorg fires at Korben who figures he is dead. Nothing. Zorg tries again. Nada. The clip is empty. Zorg starts to panic. ZORG ...A 3000 round clip! I didn't fire off 3000 rounds... did I? KORBEN Don't you know how to count. It's not all that hard. Watch! Korben punches him square in the face, shows him his index. KORBEN One! That's for trying to kill me! Second Punch. KORBEN Two! That's for firing me! Three! That's for pushing around a priest! And the rest is for what you did to my wife! Korben pummels him mercilessly. 236 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg prefers closing his eyes. Munro's shoulders move as if he were beating on Zorg. 237 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg falls to the floor, beaten to a pulp. The timer clicks over to 3 minutes. KORBEN We're outta here! He picks Leeloo up in his arms. Cornelius grabs Loc Rhod and gives him a resounding slap. LOC RHOD Are you nuts, Father? That hurts! I can't feel my teeth. CORNELIUS Doesn't matter all you need are your legs. 238 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The lifeboats launch from the hotel and fly out into space. 239 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE LANDING DOCK GARAGE Korben, carrying Leeloo, Cornelius and Loc Rhod are in the garage. VOICE (O.S.) Two minutes to complete evacuation... Korben bursts the lock on the first ship he finds and enters followed by Cornelius and Loc Rhod. The ZFX200. 240 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg starts to come around. 241 INT. ZFX200 Korben sets Leeloo down. 242 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg picks up his ZF1, unaware of the bomb and the countdown. ZORG I didn't fire three thousand rounds... 243 INT. ZFX2O0 COCKPIT VOICE (O.S.) One minute to total evacuation... LOC RHOD You know how to fly this thing? KORBEN (concentrating) It's like a cab isn't it? VOICE 30 seconds... KORBEN Anyone know how to release the lines on this crate? 244 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg is busy with the ZF1 when the bomb starts to BEEP signaling the last ten seconds. Zorg is terror stricken. He pushes a button and holds the ZF1 over his head. ZORG (loudly) Maximum Protection. A mauve-colored magnetic shield closes around Zorg like an indestructible sarcophagus. 245 INT. ZFX200 COCKPIT Cornelius and Loc Rhod are bent over the buttons looking for a way to release the lines. VOICE (O.S.) 6... 5... KORBEN Found it? Loc Rhod searches frantically. LOC RHOD I don't even know what I'm looking for! KORBEN Fuck it! Hold tight! Korben slams the throttle into full forward. The ship roars away ripping the lines to shreds. Loc Rhod is thrown to the rear of the ship. CUT TO: The counter goes 1... 0 -The suite disintegrates - The corridor is consumed. -The main hall is no more. 246 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE The ZFX200 jets away as the enormous oceanliner explodes behind it. 247 INT. ZFX200 The ship stops shaking. That was a close one. Everyone's relieved. KORBEN Solid little jobs, aren't they? LOC RHOD (broadcasting, exhausted) Dear listeners, your favorite DJ is alive and kicking. It's seven o'clock and time for the news. Tune in tomorrow for another adventure. VOCODER (O.S.) Beep. End of transmission. Loc Rhod lets out a huge sigh. LOC RHOD (to the others) The best show I ever did! 248 EXT. PLANET FHLOSTON A magnetic sarcophagus crosses the Fhloston sky and crashes into a glacier. 249 EXT. FHLOSTON Zorg appears in the middle of the ice. He takes a portable phone out of the ZF1. ZORG How's that? Can you hear me better now? SECRETARY (O.S.) Yes, Mr. Zorg, I hear you perfectly! So, how was the concert? ZORG Who gives a shit! I didn't come here to listen to music! Listen up instead of running off at the mouth! The batteries on my phone are almost gone. SECRETARY (O.S.) Yes, Sir! ZORG Dispatch me another ZFX200 immediately. Someone stole mine. SECRETARY (O.S.) Right away, Sir. I'll send you a new one to the hotel. ZORG I'm not at the hotel! ZORG Hello?... BEEPER (O.S.) Battery dead. Zorg is all alone, lost, in the middle of the glacier. ZORG (to himself) Stay calm.... stay calm... 250 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE General Munro enters the office with a smile. MUNRO Major Dallas has the Five Elements on board. The priest is guiding them directly to the temple. President Lindberg closes his eyes in relief. PRESIDENT Thank God! We've been saved! A SCIENTIST rushes in. SCIENTIST Mr. President. PRESIDENT Yes? Now, what? 251 EXT. SPACE A ball of fire, all-powerful Evil, speeds across the screen with three Federal Army warships following along behind it as best they can. 252 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT What do you mean, "its advancing"?! 253 INT. COCKPIT FEDERATED WARSHIP COMMANDER It's not only advancing, but it's moving at incredible speed! We're having trouble following it. 254 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT (to Scientist) ...And... Do you have any idea where it's heading? The scientist is hard to put to answer, he shakes his head. 255 INT. ZFX200 COCKPIT - NIGHT Korben gently wipes Leeloo's forehead with a cloth. She opens her eyes a little. KORBEN (gentle, loving) Apipoulai.. Leeloo smiles, weakly, feverish. LEELOO I'm so very sad. KORBEN Why? We did pretty well, wouldn't you say? LEELOO Five hundred wars... Arms... Drugs... Money... Everything you create is used to destroy... KORBEN I told you not to read all that crap! LEELOO Protect life... Until death. Her eyes close and she falls back asleep. Korben is worried. She seems so depressed. Cornelius enters. CORNELIUS There's a General on the phone... His name's Mambo, I think. 256 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO Munro here. President Lindberg wants to talk to you. Hold the line. The President clears his throat and takes the phone. PRESIDENT Major, first off, I want to thank you, in my name and in the name of the Federation... 257 INT. ZFX200 / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT (O.S.) For the praiseworthy courage you have shown us! I'd like to congratulate General Munro for his choice. He found the ideal man for such a... KORBEN (to the point) So now what's the problem? The President drops into his armchair and sighs. PRESIDENT There's a ball of fire 1,200 miles in diameter heading straight for the earth. And we have no idea how to stop it! ...That's the problem. Korben thinks fast. The Priest is with him. The Five Elements are on board. KORBEN How much time before the collision? The President queries the scientist with a nod of the head. SCIENTIST If its speed remains constant... in an hour and 57 minutes. KORBEN (O.S.) I'll call you back in two hours. Korben hangs up. The President looks stunned. 258 EXT. SPACE The ZFX200 shifts to the speed of light and vanishes in the star-studded cosmos. 259 INT. CHAPEL David is asleep. He is woken by the sound of... 260 EXT. DESERT - DAWN The ZFX200 is parked in the middle of the desert. Korben walks ahead carrying Leeloo. Cornelius has the four Stones with him. Barely awake, Loc Rhod stumbles along. David appears at the door of the chapel. DAVID You're all safe. Thanks be to God! CORNELIUS Later, David! Later! There's not a minute to lose! The small group enters the chapel. 261 INT. CHAPEL Cornelius pushes the group onto the altar which is surrounded by a wooden barrier. Cornelius stands in front of the cross. KORBEN Excuse me, Father, but... could we pray later? Cornelius bends the cross and pushes it down. A mechanism is set off lowering the altar like a service elevator. The altar descends amid rocky walls. 262 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO They just landed in the desert. PRESIDENT (sweating) How much time is left? 263 EXT. SPACE Earth is in view. The Dark Planet fills the screen and heads for the blue planet. 264 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST About nine minutes. President Lindberg has trouble breathing. 265 INT. TEMPLE Lit by torches, Korben sets Leeloo delicately on the altar in the exact center of the four elements. Cornelius looks over the four Stones every which way. CORNELIUS (panic-stricken) Uh, this one... must be water! It's obvious he doesn't know where to put it. KORBEN Don't tell me you don't know how all this works? CORNELIUS Theoretically, yes! The four Stones form the beam and the Fifth Element is supposed to stand in the middle there, but... I don't have the reference book. I've never seen the Stones work! Korben can't believe his ears. He tears the Stone out of Cornelius' hand and studies the inscriptions. He goes over to one of the four bases the stones rest on and tries to figure it out. The symbol of air is on the Stone, the same as on the base. KORBEN Match the symbols! Korben places the first Stone and picks up another one. Cornelius has found the symbol for water. Loc Rhod sits down. He is very tired. LOC RHOD What is this some kinda game? Like chess? Korben pulls him to his feet and sticks a Stone in his hands. KORBEN No. It's much simpler. If we don't figure out where these Stones go in five minutes, we're all dead! Think you got it? Loc Rhod's got it and runs over to put in his Stone. The four Stones are all in place but nothing happens. KORBEN There's no light! You told me there were supposed to be four beams of light. CORNELIUS (lost) Yes, of course, but... The Stones are shut! They have to be open for it to work. KORBEN And you don't know how they open, is that what you are saying? CORNELIUS That's what I'm saying. 266 EXT. SPACE The Dark Planet closes in on Earth rapidly. 267 INT. CHAPEL Korben leans over Leeloo. KORBEN Leeloo? The Stones! We have to open them! How does it work? LEELOO (feeble) The wind blows... the fire burns... KORBEN I know all that, Leeloo! I'm talking about the Stones. LEELOO ...The rain falls... Korben is desperate. Leeloo's too weak, he won't get anything more out of her. He darts over to a Stone and turns it over and over. KORBEN The rain falls... the wind blows? Loc Rhod stands in front of his Stone looking at Korben. KORBEN Try and figure out how this fucking thing opens, instead of staring at me like that! Loc Rhod starts feeling the Stone all around. LOC RHOD (afraid) I'm looking, I'm looking. 268 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The tension is palpable in the President's office. SCIENTIST ...Three minutes. MUNRO We've lost contact with them. 269 INT. CHAPEL Korben and Cornelius turn the Stones every which way. All to no avai1. Loc Rhod is discouraged. LOC RHOD ...we'll never make it. He sighs. Three hooks pop off the Stone. Loc Rhod can't believe his eyes. LOC RHOD It... it moved! Korben! Korben! Korben rushes over, looks at the Stone. Hooks are undone. KORBEN What did you say? What did you do? LOC RHOD Nothing! Swear to God, I didn't do nothing! KORBEN Look, you did something that set it off. Try to remember. Concentrate. Tell me exactly what you did!! Loc Rhod tries to duplicate the same movement. LOC RHOD I was like this... With my hands here and... I said, "We'll never make it!" That's all! Nothing happens. KORBEN Is that all? LOC RHOD Yeah... then I sighed... like this. Loc Rhod sighs, really depressed this time. The Stone opens even more. Korben's got it. KORBEN The wind! The wind blows... Korben blows on the Stone which immediately opens revealing a patch of blue sky with some miniature clouds floating around inside. A yellow beam pops up like a ray of sunlight, like Korben's smile. KORBEN Quickly, everyone on a Stone! Water for water! Fire for fire! Earth for earth! The two men move fast. Korben on the 4th Stone: Earth. He grabs a fistful of earth and throws it on the Stone. A miniature patch of green appears and immediately forms a green beam. Cornelius wipes his forehead with a scarf and wrings it out over the Stone. It opens revealing a patch of miniature raging sea. A blue beam appears. Loc Rhod has a problem. LOC RHOD (shaking) I don't have a light. I stopped smoking last week! If we'd come a bit sooner... Korben pats his pockets, he comes up with a box of matches. There's only one left. KORBEN Don't breathe. Loc Rhod and Cornelius hold their breath. Korben strikes the match. A small flame appears on the tip. A breeze goes through the room. Korben feels like he's got TNT in his hands. He approaches the flame to the Stone. The flame twists, dims, flickers ...but holds on. The Stone opens. A patch of miniature fire appears. Korben sighs, snuffs out the match. The fourth beam, a red one, immediately forms. 270 EXT. SPACE A mass of fire fills the screen. The Earth is only a thousand miles away. 271 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST Two more minutes. The President shuts his eyes. His lids move in prayer. 272 INT. CHAPEL Korben helps Leeloo onto her feet where the four beams and four colors crisscross. KORBEN It's up to you now, Angel! LEELOO I'm so tired... KORBEN You can sleep tomorrow... come on... LEELOO I want to sleep... forever... KORBEN Leeloo! Listen to me! I'll take you on a vacation afterwards! A real vacation, this time, for as long as you want. Come on! You can do it! Korben slowly releases Leeloo and steps back from the altar. Leeloo can barely stand in the center of the four beams. An indistinct white beam begins to form around her, starts to rise. CORNELIUS Come on Leeloo! Come on! The beam loses its intensity. Leeloo crumples to the floor. 273 EXT. SPACE The Dark Planet hurtles toward Earth. A hundred miles before impact. The African continent is visible. No doubt about it: The fireball is heading right for Egypt. 274 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Seconds tick away relentlessly on the scientist's stopwatch. SCIENTIST It'll be entering the atmosphere in one minute. 275 INT. CHAPEL The heat in the temple is unbearable. All the walls start to ooze the same horrible black slimy liquid seen at Zorg's. A drop of liquid falls to the temple floor and begins to smoke, eating away at it like acid. Loc Rhod has to dodge another drop of the stuff. Korben quickly straightens Leeloo up and puts her back in the center of the beams. KORBEN Leeloo! If you don't get on with the program we're all gonna die! And that's not on my agenda for today. Leeloo wraps her arms around Korben's neck. LEELOO (weak) What's the use of saving lives... when you see what you do with them! KORBEN You're right but there are lots of good things... beautiful things... LEELOO ...Like love... KORBEN Exactly. LEELOO But I don't know love... I'm like a machine programmed to save other people's lives but never to have one of my own. 276 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The Scientist's stopwatch goes from 30 to 29 seconds. 277 INT. CHAPEL LEELOO I have thousands of memories but none of them are mine... There is no need for me other than this. I'm immortal but I have no life. KORBEN Yes, you do! I need you. More than you can imagine! Stand up straight! LEELOO Why?... Why would you need me? KORBEN Because... CORNELIUS (to himself) Tell her, for God's sake! A bit of the black acid falls on Loc Rhod's shirt setting it on fire. He rips if off. CUT TO: 278 INT. CHAPEL KORBEN Because... Leeloo has tears in her eyes. The heat is overpowering. Black acid is everywhere. LEELOO Tell me... KORBEN I love you... Despite her fatigue, Leeloo smiles broadly. CUT TO: 278b INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The stopwatch goes from 3 to 2. 279 INT. CHAPEL LEELOO Now you're allowed to kiss me. - Korben wraps his arms around her and kisses her like he's never kissed anybody before. - The white beam, the Divine Light, immediately forms around Leeloo and Korben. - The stopwatch hits zero. - The Absolute Beam explodes from the top of the pyramid and heads straight into the sky zapping the fireball smack in the middle, slowing it down. - Korben and Leeloo kiss like there was no tomorrow. - The beam hardens and slowly solidifies the Evil Planet. Inaudible screeches escape from the dying planet. Screeches of terrifying pain as if a million souls were dying. - Streams of black acid spurt from the pyramid and solidify like brilliant stalactites. 280 EXT. SPACE The pure beam, the Light of Life, has finished its work. The Dark Planet nothing more than a dead planet. Strangely enough, it looks like the moon. Everything is calm around it. 281 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg opens his eyes and realizes he's not dead- SCIENTIST The planet seems to have stopped at... 62 miles from impact. 282 INT. CHAPEL In the temple, the beam loses its intensity. But Leeloo and Korben remain stuck together, lost in their kiss. Cornelius has dropped to his knees, clutching his hands. Loc Rhod slips along the wall with a sigh. He gives Cornelius a knowing smile. LOC RHOD This guy is a killer with the babes. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him. Cornelius and Loc Rhod burst out laughing. Korben and Leeloo keep on kissing. 283 INT. LABORATORY We are in the Nucleological Laboratory that gave birth to Leeloo in the beginning of our story. The President enters the lab followed by a group of officials in ceremonial dress. MUNRO Mr. President, let me introduce you to Professor Mactilburgh, who runs the center. MACTILBURGH It's an honor to receive you. Mr. President. PRESIDENT (beaming) Yes.. Well? Where are our two heroes? MACTILBURGH They were so tired from their ordeal that we put them in the reactor this morning.. PRESIDENT I have 19 more meetings after this one Professor.. PROFESSOR Of course.. Let me see if they're revived. AIDE We go live in one minute, Mr. President. Mactilburgh goes to the reactor and opens a small slot which allows him to see what is going on under the blue shield. Leeloo and Korben are naked, arms wrapped around each other, kissing and probably engaged in hoppi hoppa. Mactilburgh looks troubled. MACTILBURGH I.. uh.. they need five more minutes, Mr. President. The President, pressed for time, looks over to his aide who in struggling with a phone call. AIDE No ma'am... I tried... No ma'am... PRESIDENT Who is it? AIDE Some woman... claims she's Korben's mother... PRESIDENT Give it here... The President takes the phone and goes to the window. PRESIDENT Mrs. Dallas, this in the President. On behalf of the entire Federation, I would like to thank... MOTHER (V.O.) Don't pull that crap with me, Finger... I'd recognize that trash can voice of yours in a dark alley during a rain storm. You tell that worthless no account son of mine he should plotz for the way he's ignored his mother... when I think of all I sacrificed for him... 284 EXT. NEW YORK Outside the lab we see the President through the window, holding the phone away from his ear. PAN slowly across Manhattan. Credits Roll as TWO full rising silver moons ascend in the dark blue sky. THE END
------------------------------------------------------------ FINDING NEMO Transcript v1.0 Copyright 2003 Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios ------------------------------------------------------------ Transcribed by BaD_BURN email : [email protected] ------------------------------------------------------------------ \| Okay, this is the work-in-progress FINDING NEMO film transcript. \| \| Why is it 'work-in-progress' you might ask? Well for one, this \| \| isn't a 100% accurate transcript: some words might be missing, \| \| may not be right. Second, some lines may or may not have been \| \| spoken by the right character. There are instances in the film \| \| where a line is spoken but the character isn't on screen, which \| \| makes things complicated. But I'd say this transcript is about \| \| 98-99% accurate. Dialogue for each scene is seperated by a line \| \| of equal signs (=). \| \| \| \| This transcript is open for corrections, additions if you have \| \| any. What you CAN'T do, however, is to edit it and take credit \| \| for it. Although I do not own the movie or it's screenplay, this \| \| transcript was made with no intention of copyright infringement \| \| and the like. Enjoy. And remember: 'Fish are friends, not food'. \| ------------------------------------------------------------------ ====================================================================================== MARLIN Wow. CORAL Mmm. MARLIN Wow. CORAL Mmm-hmm. MARLIN Wow. CORAL Yes, Marlin. No, I see it. It's beautiful. MARLIN So, Coral, when you said you wanted an ocean view, you didn't think that we we're gonna get the whole ocean, did you? Huh? [sighs] Oh yeah. A fish can breath out here. Did your man deliver or did he deliver? 1 CORAL My man delivered. MARLIN And it wasn't so easy. CORAL Because a lot of other clownfish had their eyes on this place. MARLIN You better believe they did--every single one of them. CORAL Mm-hmm. You did good. And the neighborhood is awesome. MARLIN So, you do like it, don't you? CORAL No, no. I do, I do. I really do like it. But Marlin, I know that the drop off is desirable with the great schools and the amazing view and all, but do we really need so much space? MARLIN Coral, honey, these are our kids we're talking about. They deserve the best. Look, look, look. They'll wake up, poke their little heads out and they'll see a whale! See, right by their bedroom window. CORAL Shhh, you're gonna wake the kids. MARLIN Oh, right. Right. CORAL Aww, look. They're dreaming. We still have to name them. MARLIN You wanna name all of 'em, right now? All right, we'll name this half Marlin Jr. and then this half Coral Jr. Okay, we're done. CORAL I like Nemo. MARLIN Nemo? Well, we'll name one Nemo but I'd like most of them to be Marlin Jr. CORAL Just think that in a couple of days, we're gonna be parents! MARLIN Yeah. What if they don't like me? CORAL Marlin. MARLIN No, really. CORAL There's over 400 eggs. Odds are, one of them is bound to like you. CORAL What? MARLIN You remember how we met? CORAL Well, I try not to. MARLIN Well, I remember. 'Excuse me, miss, can you check and see if there's a hook in my lip?' CORAL Marlin! MARLIN 2 'Well, you gotta look a little closer because it's wiggling'. CORAL Get away! MARLIN Here he is. Cutie's here! Where did everybody go? MARLIN [gasps] Coral, get inside the house, Coral. No, Coral, don't. They'll be fine. Just get inside, you, right now. MARLIN No! MARLIN Coral! Coral? MARLIN Coral? Oh! MARLIN Ohh. There, there, there. It's okay, daddy's here. Daddy's got you. I promise, I will never let anything happen to you...Nemo. ====================================================================================== NEMO First day of school! First day of school! Wake up, wake up! C'mon, first day of school! MARLIN I don't wanna go to school. Five more minutes. NEMO Not you, dad. Me! MARLIN Okay...huh? NEMO Get up, get up! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! Oh boy! Oh boy! MARLIN All right, I'm up. NEMO Oh boy--whoa! MARLIN Nemo! NEMO First day of school! MARLIN [gasps] Nemo, don't move! Don't move! You'll never get out of there yourself. I'll do it. All right, where's the break? You feel a break? NEMO No. MARLIN Sometimes you can't tell 'cause fluid is rushing to the area. Now, any rushing fluids? NEMO No. MARLIN Are you woozy? NEMO No. MARLIN How many stripes do I have? 3 NEMO I'm fine. MARLIN Answer the stripe question! NEMO Three. MARLIN No! See, something's wrong with you. I have one, two, three--that's all I have? Oh, you're okay. How's the lucky fin? NEMO Lucky. MARLIN Let's see. MARLIN Are you sure you wanna go to school this year? 'Cause there's no problem if you don't. You can wait 5 or 6 years. NEMO Come on, dad. It's time for school. MARLIN Ah-ah-ah! Forgot to brush. NEMO Ohh... MARLIN Do you want this anemone to sting you? NEMO Yes. MARLIN Brush. NEMO Okay, I'm done. MARLIN You missed a spot. NEMO Where? MARLIN There. Ha ha! Right there. And here and here and here! ====================================================================================== MARLIN All right, we're excited. First day of school, here we go. We're ready to learn to get some knowledge. Now, what's the one thing we have to remember about the ocean? NEMO It's not safe. MARLIN That's my boy. So, first we check to see that the coast is clear. We go out and back in. And then we go out, and back in. And then one more time--out and back in. And sometimes, if you wanna do it four times-- NEMO Dad.. MARLIN All right. Come on, boy. NEMO Dad, maybe while I'm at school, I'll see a shark! MARLIN 4 I highly doubt that. NEMO Have you ever met a shark? MARLIN No, and I don't plan to. NEMO How old are sea turtles? MARLIN Sea turtles? I don't know. NEMO Sandy Plankton from next door, he said that sea turtles, said that they live to be about a hundred years old! MARLIN Well, you know what, if I ever meet a sea turtle, I'll ask him. After I'm done talking to the shark, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on, hold on, wait to cross. Hold my fin, hold my fin. NEMO Dad, you're not gonna freak out like you did at the petting zoo, are you? MARLIN Hey, that snail was about to charge. Hmm, I wonder where we're supposed to go. FISH KIDS Bye, mom! FISH MOM I'll pick you up after school. CRAB KID Come on, you guys. Stop it! Give it back! MARLIN Come on, we'll try over there. MARLIN Excuse me, is this where we meet his teacher? BOB Well, look who's out of the anemone. MARLIN Yes. Shocking, I know. BOB Marty, right? MARLIN Marlin. BOB Bob. TED Ted. BILL Bill. Hey, you're a clownfish. You're funny, right? Hey, tell us a joke. BOB/TED Yeah, yeah. Come on, give us a funny one. MARLIN Well, actually, that's a common misconception. Clownfish are no funnier than any other fish. BILL Aw, come on, clownie. TED Yeah, do something funny. 5 BOB Yeah! MARLIN All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea, well he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place and then the sea cucumber, well they--I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that I-- BOB Sheldon! Get out of Mr. Johansenn's yard, now! KIDS Whoa! MR. JOHANSSEN All right, you kids! Ooh! Uuh, where'd you go? Where'd you go? Where, where'd you go? NEMO Dad, dad...can I go play too? Can I? MARLIN I would feel better if you go play over on the sponge beds. MARLIN That's where I would play PEARL What's wrong with his fin? TAD He looks funny! SHELDON Ow! Hey, what'd I do? What'd I do? BOB Be nice. It's his first time at school. MARLIN He was born with it, kids. We call it his lucky fin. NEMO Dad. PEARL See this tentacle? It's actually shorter than all my other tentacles but you can't really tell.Especially when I twirl them like this. SHELDON I'm H2O-intolerant. [sneezes] TAD I'm obnoxious. MR. RAY [singing] Oooh, let's name the zones, the zones, the zones. Let's name the zones of the open sea. KIDS Mr. Ray! SHELDON Come on, Nemo. MARLIN Whoa, you better stay with me. MR. RAY [singing]..mesopolagic, bathyal, abyssalpelagic. All the rest are too deep for you and me to see. MR. RAY Huh, I wonder where my class has gone? KIDS 6 We're under here! MR. RAY Oh, there you are. Climb aboard, explorers. [singing] Oh, knowledge exploring is oh so lyrical, when you think thoughts that are empirical. NEMO Dad, you can go now. MR. RAY Well, hello. Who is this? NEMO I'm Nemo. MR. RAY Well, Nemo, all new explorers must answer a science question. NEMO Okay. MR. RAY You live in what kind of home? NEMO An anemo-none. A nemenem-menome-nememen-nenemone-- MR. RAY Okay, okay, don't hurt yourself. Welcome aboard, explorers! MARLIN Just so you know, he's got a little fin. I find if he's having trouble swimming, let him take a break. Ten, fifteen minutes. NEMO Dad, it's time for you to go now. MR. RAY Don't worry. We're gonna stay together as a group. Okay, class, optical orbits up front. And remember, we keep our supraesophogeal ganglion to ourselves...that means you, Jimmy. JIMMY Aw, man! MR. RAY [singing] MARLIN Bye, Nemo! NEMO Bye, dad! MARLIN Bye, son! Be safe. BOB Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first timer. MARLIN Well, you can't hold onto them forever, can you? BILL Yeah, I had a tough time when my oldest went out at the drop off. MARLIN They just gotta grow up--the drop off?! They're going to the drop off?! Wh-what are you, insane?! Why don't we fry 'em up now and serve them with chips!? BOB Hey, Marty. Calm down. MARLIN Don't tell me to be calm, pony boy! BOB 'Pony boy'? 7 BILL You know for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny. TED Pity. ====================================================================================== MR. RAY [singing] Oh, let's name the species, the species, the species. Let's name the species that live in thesea. NEMO Whoa. MR. RAY [singing] There's porifera, coelenterata, hydrozoa, scyphozoa, anthozoa, ctenophora, bryozoas, three! Gastropoda, arthropoda, echinoderma, and some fish like you and me. Come on, sing with me. Oh...! MR. RAY Just the girls this time. [singing] Oh, seaweed is cool. Seaweed is fun. It makes it's food with the rays of the sun... MR. RAY Okay, the drop off. All right, kids, feel free to explore but stay close. [gasps] Stromalitic cyanobacteria! Gather. An entire ecosystem contained in one infinitesimal speck. There are as many protein pairs contained in this... TAD Come on, let's go. MR. RAY Come on, sing with me! [singing] There's porifera, coelentera, hydrozoa, scyphozoa, anthozoa, ctenophora, bryozoas, three! NEMO Hey guys, wait up! Whoa. TAD Cool. TAD Saved your life! PEARL Aw, you guys made me ink. NEMO What's that? TAD I know what that is. Oh, oh! Sandy Plankton saw one. He called, he said it was called a...a butt. NEMO Whoa. PEARL Wow. That's a pretty big butt. SHELDON Oh, look at me. I'm gonna go touch the butt. [sneezes] Whoa! SHELDON Oh yeah? Let's see you get closer. PEARL Okay. Beat that. TAD Come on, Nemo. How far can you go? NEMO Uh, my dad says it's not safe. 8 MARLIN Nemo, no! NEMO Dad? MARLIN You were about to swim into open water! NEMO No, I wasn't go out--but dad! MARLIN It was a good thing I was here. If I hadn't showed up, I don't know-- PEARL Sir, he wasn't gonna go. TAD Yeah, he was too afraid. NEMO No, I wasn't. MARLIN This does not concern you, kids. And you're lucky I don't tell your parents you were out there. You know you can't swim well. NEMO I can swim fine, dad, okay? MARLIN No, it's not okay. You shouldn't be anywhere near here. Okay, I was right. You'll start school in a year or two. NEMO No, dad! Just because you're scared of the ocean-- MARLIN Clearly, you're not ready. And you're not coming back until you are. You think you can do these things but you just can't, Nemo! NEMO I hate you. MR. RAY There's--nothing to see. Gather, uh, over there. Excuse me, is there anything I can do? I am a scientist, sir. Is there any problem? MARLIN I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt things. He isn't a good swimmer and it's a little too soon for him to be out here unsupervised. MR. RAY Well, I can assure you, he's quite safe with me. MARLINLook, I'm sure he is. But you have a large class and he can get lost from sight if you're not looking. I'm not saying you're not looking-- FISH KID Oh my gosh! Nemo's swimming out to sea! MARLIN Nemo! What do you think you're doing? You're gonna get stuck out there and I'll have to get you before another fish does! Get back here! I said get back here, now! Stop! You take one move, mister. Don't youdare! If you put one fin on that boat..are you listening to me? Don't touch the bo--Nemo! TAD [whispering] He touched the butt. MARLIN You paddle your little tail back here, Nemo. That's right. You are in big trouble, young man. Do you hear me? Big...big-- 9 NEMO Aaaah! Daddy! Help me! MARLIN I'm coming, Nemo! KIDS Aaaah! MR. RAY Get under me, kids! NEMO Ah! Oh no! Dad! Daddy! MARLIN Oh! Nemo! Unh! Nemo! Nemo, no! Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! No! No! Aah! Nemo! Nemo! DIVER Whoa! Hold on. MARLIN Oh no. No, no. It's gone, it's gone. No, no, it can't be gone. No, no! Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! No! Nemo! Nemo! No! No, please, no! No, no! MARLIN Has anybody seen a boat!? Please! A white boat! They took my son! My son! Help me, please! DORY Look out! MARLIN Waaaah! MARLIN Ooh, ooh... DORY Ohh. Oh, oh. Sorry! I didn't see you. Sir, are you okay? MARLIN He's gone, he's gone.. DORY There, there. It's all right. MARLIN He's gone. DORY It'll be okay. MARLIN No, no. They took him away. I have to find the boat. DORY Hey, I've seen a boat. MARLIN You have? DORY It passed by not too long ago. MARLIN A white one? DORY Hi. I'm Dory. MARLIN Where!? Which way!? DORY Oh, oh, oh! It-it went, um, this way! And it went this way! Follow me! MARLIN 10 Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much! DORY No problem. MARLIN Hey! Wait! DORY Will you quit it? MARLIN What? DORY I'm trying to swim here. What, ocean ain't big enough for you? MARLIN Huh? DORY You got a problem, buddy? Huh? Huh? Do 'ya? Do 'ya? Do 'ya? You want a piece of me? Yeah, oooh, I'm scared now. Whaat!? MARLIN Wait a minute.. DORY Stop following me, okay!? MARLIN What? You're showing me which way the boat went! DORY A boat? Hey, I've seen a boat. It passed by not too long ago. It went this way, it went this way. Follow me! MARLIN Wait a minute, wait a minute! What is going on? You already told me which way the boat was going! DORY I did? Oh dear... MARLIN If this is some kind of practical joke, it's not funny! And I know funny..I'm a clownfish! DORY No, it's not. I know it's not. I'm so sorry. See, I suffer from short-term memory loss. MARLIN Short-term memory loss..I don't believe this! DORY No, it's true. I forget things almost instantly. It runs in my family..or at least I think it does. Hmmm..where are they? Can I help you? MARLIN Something's wrong with you, really. You're wasting my time. I have to find my son. [gasps] BRUCE Hello. DORY Well, hi! BRUCE Name's Bruce. It's all right, I understand. Why trust a shark, right? So, what's a couple of bites like you doing out so late, eh? MARLIN Nothing. We're not doing anything. We're not even out. BRUCE Great! Then how'd you morsels like to come to a little get-together I'm havin'? DORY 11 You mean like a party? BRUCE Yeah, yeah, that's right--a party! What do you say? DORY Ooh, I love parties! Parties are fun! MARLIN Parties are fun, and it's tempting but-- BRUCE Oh, come on, I insist. MARLIN O-okay..that's all that matters. DORY Hey, look--balloons! It is a party! BRUCE Ha ha ha! Mind your distance, though. Those balloons can be a bit dodgy. You wouldn't want one of them to pop. BRUCE Anchor! Chum! ANCHOR There you are, Bruce, finally! BRUCE We got company. ANCHOR It's about time, mate. CHUM We've already gone through all the snacks and I'm still starvin'! ANCHOR We almost had a feeding frenzy. CHUM Come on, let's get this over with. ====================================================================================== BRUCE Right, then. The meeting has officially come to order. Let us all say the pledge.. BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM 'I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food'. ANCHOR Except stinkin' dolphins. CHUM Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're sooo cute! 'Hey, look at me. I'm a flippin' little dolphin! Let me flip for 'ya! Ain't I a somethin'!' BRUCE Right, then. Today's meeting is step 5, 'BRING A FISH FRIEND'. Now do you all have your friends? ANCHOR Got mine. DORY Hey there! BRUCE How 'bout you, Chum? CHUM Oh, um, I seem to have misplaced my uh, friend. 12 BRUCE That's all right, Chum. I had a feeling this would be a difficult step, you can help yourself to one of my friends. CHUM Oh, thanks, mate. A little chum for Chum, eh? BRUCE I'll start the testimonies. Hello, my name is Bruce. ANCHOR/CHUM Hello, Bruce. BRUCE It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup. CHUM You're an inspiration to all of us. ANCHOR Amen. BRUCE Right, then. Who's next? DORY Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! BRUCE Yes, the little Sheila down the front. DORY Woo-hoo! BRUCE Come on up here. DORY Hi. I'm Dory. BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM Hello, Dory. DORY And, uh, well, I don't think I've ever eaten a fish. CHUM Hey, that's incredible. BRUCE Good on 'ya, mate! DORY Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest. BRUCE All right, anyone else? Hello, how 'bout you, mate? What's your problem? MARLIN Me? I don't have a problem. BRUCE Oh. Okay.. BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM Denial. BRUCE Just start with your name. MARLIN Okay. Uh, hello. My name is Marlin. I'm a clownfish-- CHUM A clownfish? Really?! 13 BRUCE Go on, tell us a joke! CHUM Ooh! I love jokes! MARLIN Actually I do know one that's pretty good. There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber... NEMO Daddy! MARLIN Nemo! CHUM Nemo! Ha ha ha! Nemo! I don't get it. BRUCE For a clownfish, he's not that funny. MARLIN No, no, no, no. He's my son. He was taken by these divers. DORY Oh my, you poor fish. CHUM Humans. Think they own everything. ANCHOR Probably American. BRUCE Now there is a father looking for his little boy. MARLIN Ugh! What do these markings mean? BRUCE I never knew my father! [sobs] CHUM Aw, come here. ANCHOR Group hug. CHUM We're all mates here, mate. MARLIN I can't read human. DORY Well then we gotta find a fish who can read this. Hey, look. Sharks! MARLIN No, no, no, Dory! DORY Guys, guys! MARLIN No, Dory! DORY That's mine! Give it to me! Gimme! Oww! MARLIN Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay? DORY Ow, ow, ow. 14 MARLIN I'm so sorry. DORY You really clocked me there. Am I bleeding? MARLIN Ohh... DORY Ow, ow, ow. BRUCE Dory, are you oka--oohh. Oohh, that's good. ANCHOR/CHUM Intervention! BRUCE Just a bite! ANCHOR Hold it together, mate! CHUM Remember, Bruce, fish are friends, not food! BRUCE FOOD! MARLIN Dory, look out! BRUCE I'm havin' fish tonight! CHUM Remember the steps, mate! BRUCE Just one bite! BRUCE G'day! MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaah! BRUCE Arrrr! MARLIN There's no way out! There's got to be a way to escape! DORY Who is it? MARLIN Dory, help me find a way out! DORY Sorry, you'll have to come back later. We're trying to escape. MARLIN There's gotta be a way out! DORY Look, here's something! 'ESSS-CA-PE'! I wonder what that means. It's funny, it's spelled just like the word 'escape'. MARLIN Let's go! BRUCE Here's Brucey! MARLIN 15 Wait a minute..you can read?! DORY I can read? That's right, I can read! MARLIN Well, then here. Read this now! ANCHOR He really doesn't mean it, y'know! He never even knew his father! CHUM Don't fall off the wagon! MARLIN Oh no, it's blocked! ANCHOR No, Bruce. Focus! CHUM Sorry about--this, mate! ANCHOR He's really--a nice guy! MARLIN I need to get that mask! DORY You want that mask? Okay. MARLIN No, no, no, no, no, no! MARLIN Quick grab the mask! ANCHOR Oh no. Bruce? BRUCE What? [gasps] Swim away! Swim away! DORY Aw, is the party over? PELICAN Nice. ====================================================================================== NEMO Dad? Daddy? DENTIST Barbara? BARBARA Uh-huh? DENTIST Prep for his anterior crown, would you, please? And I'm going to need a few cotton rolls. BARBARA Okay. DENTIST Hello, little fella! NEMO Aah! DENTIST Heh heh heh! Beauty, isn't he? I found that guy struggling for life out on the reef and I saved him. So, has that novocaine kicked in yet? 16 PATIENT I think so. We're ready to roll. BUBBLES Bubbles! [muttering] My bubbles. PEACH He likes bubbles. NEMO Aah! Ohh! No! Uhh! JACQUES Bonjour. NEMO Aah! BLOAT Heh heh! Slow down, little fella. There's nothing to worry about. DEB Oh, he's scared to death. NEMO I wanna go home. Do you know where my dad is? PEACH Honey, your dad's probably back at the pet store. NEMO Pet store? BLOAT Yeah, you know, like I'm from Bob's Fish Mart. GURGLE Pet Palace. BUBBLES Fish-O-Rama. DEB Mail order. PEACH Ebay. GURGLE So which one is it? NEMO I'm from the ocean. GURGLE Ah, the ocean. The ocean! Aaah! He hasn't been decontaminated yet! Jacques! JACQUES Oui. GURGLE Clean him! JACQUES Oui. GURGLE Ocean! JACQUES Ooh, la mer. Bon. Voila. He is clean. BUBBLES Wow. The big blue. What's it like? NEMO Big...and blue? 17 BUBBLES I knew it. DEB Kid, if there's anything you need, just ask your auntie Deb, that's me. Or if I'm not around, you can always talk to my sister Flo. Hi,how are you? Don't listen to anything my sister says, she's nuts! Ha ha ha ha! PEACH [muffled] We got a live one! BLOAT Can't hear you, Peach. PEACH I said we got a live one. GURGLE Yes! BLOAT Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! DEB What do we got? PEACH Root canal, and by the looks of those x-rays it's not gonna be pretty. PATIENT Owwwwwwwww! BLOAT Rubber dam and clamp installed? PEACH Yep. GURGLE What did he use to open? PEACH Gator-Glidden drill. He seems to be favoring that one lately. DEB I can't see, Flo. PATIENT You're getting a little too--aaaaah!!! PEACH Now he's doing the Schilder technique. BLOAT Oooh, he's using a Hedstrom file. GURGLE That's not a Hedstrom file. That's a K-Flex. BLOAT It's got a teardrop cross-section. Clearly a Hedstrom. GURGLE No, no. K-Flex. BLOAT Hedstrom! GURGLE K-Flex! BLOAT Hedstro--! [inflates] There I go. A little help over here. DEB I'll go deflate him. 18 DENTIST All right, go ahead and rinse. GURGLE Ugh! The human mouth is a disgusting place. PEACH Hey, Nigel. NIGEL What did I miss? Am I late? PEACH Root canal and it's a doozy. NIGEL Root canal, eh? What did he use to open? PEACH Gator-Glidden drill. NIGEL He seems to be favoring that one. Hope he doesn't get surplus sealer at the portal terminus... hello. NEMO [gasps] NIGEL Who's this? DEB New guy. Ha ha ha! GURGLE The dentist took him off the reef. NIGEL An outie. From my neck of the woods, eh? Sorry if I ever took a snap at you. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat. [gasps] DENTIST Hey! No, no, no, no! They're not your fish. They're my fish. Come on, go! Go on, shoo! Oh, the picture broke. This here's Darla. She's my niece. She's going to be eight next week. Hey, little fella. Say hello to your new mummy. She'll be here Friday to pick you up. You're her present. Shh, shh, shh! It's our little secret. Well, Mr. Tucker, while that sets up I'm going to see a man about a wallaby. BLOAT Oh, Darla. NEMO What? What's wrong with her? GURGLE She wouldn't stop shaking the bag. BUBBLES Poor Chuckles. DEB He was her present last year. BLOAT Hitched a ride on the porcelain express. PEACH She's a fish killer. NEMO I can't go with that girl! I have to get back to my dad! Aaah! Daddy! Help me! GURGLE Oh, he's stuck! GILL 19 Nobody touch him! Nobody touch him. NEMO Can you help me? GILL No. You got yourself in there, you can get yourself out. PEACH Gill.. GILL I just wanna see him do it, okay? Calm down. Alternate wiggling your fins and your tail. NEMO I can't. I have a bad fin. GILL Never stopped me. GILL Just think about what you need to do. BLOAT Come on. GILL Perfect. BUBBLES Yay! GURGLE You did it! DEB Good squirming! Ha ha ha! PEACH Wow. From the ocean. Just like you, Gill. GILL Yeah. PEACH I've seen that look before. What are you thinking about? GILL I'm thinking, tonight, we give the kid a proper reception. BLOAT So kid, you got a name or what? NEMO Nemo. I'm Nemo. ====================================================================================== MARLIN Nemo. Nemo. [mutters] DORY Are you gonna eat that? Careful with that hammer... MARLIN Huh? No, no! What does it say? Dory! DORY Sea monkey has my money... MARLIN Wake up! Get up! Come on! Come on! DORY Yes, I'm a natural blue... MARLIN 20 Get up! DORY Look out! Sharks eat fish! Aaaaaah! MARLIN/DORY AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! DORY Wow. Dusty. MARLIN [gasps] The mask! Where's the mask? No! No, not the mask! Get it! Get the mask! Get the mask! Get it! DORY [singing] Hoo doot doo doot doot doo doot. Whoo-hoo! La la la la la la. Just keeps going on, doesn't it? Echo! Echo! Hey, what are you doing? MARLIN It's gone. I've lost the mask. DORY Did you drop it? MARLIN You dropped it! That was my only chance of finding my son, now it's gone. DORY Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? MARLIN I don't wanna know what you gotta do when life gets you down. DORY [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim. MARLIN Dory, no singing. DORY [singing] Ho ho ho ho ho ho! I love to swim! When you want to swim.. MARLIN See, I'm going to get stuck now with that song now it's in my head! DORY Sorry. MARLIN Dory, do you see anything? DORY Aaah! Something's got me! MARLIN That was me. I'm sorry. DORY [gasps] Who was that? MARLIN Who could it be? It's me! DORY Are..are you my conscience? MARLIN Yeah, yeah. I'm your conscience. We haven't spoken for a while. How are you? DORY Hmm, can't complain. MARLIN Yeah? Good. Now, Dory. I want you to tell me..do you see anything? 21 DORY I see..I see a light. MARLIN A light. DORY Yeah. Over there. Hey, conscience. Am I dead? MARLIN No, I see it too. What is it? DORY It's so pretty. MARLIN I'm feeling...happy. Which is a big deal for me. DORY I want to touch it. Oh! MARLIN Hey, come back. Come on back here. DORY [singing] I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna swim with you. MARLIN I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna be your best friend...good feeling's gone. MARLIN I can't see! I don't know where I'm going! DORY Haah! MARLIN The mask! DORY What mask? DORY Okay, I can't see a thing. MARLIN Oh, gee! DORY Hey, look! A mask! MARLIN Read it! DORY I'm sorry, but if you could just bring it a little closer, I kind of need the light. That's great, keep it right there. MARLIN Just read it! DORY Okay, okay. Mr. Bossy. Uh, 'P'. Okay, 'P'. 'Shh-eer...Sher--P. Sher--P. Shirley? P.--'. Oh! The first line's 'P. Sherman'! MARLIN P. Sherman doesn't make any sense! DORY Okay, second line. '42'. MARLIN Don't eat me! Don't eat me! Aaaah! DORY Light, please. 'Walla--Walla--Walla-beee'... 22 MARLIN Waah! Waaah! Waaaah! DORY The second line's '42 Wallaby Way'! MARLIN That's great! Speed read! Take a guess! No pressure! No problem! There's a lot of pressure! Pressure! Take a guess now with pressure! DORY 'Sydney'. It's 'Sydney'! MARLIN Duck! DORY Aaah! MARLIN I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I died, I'm dead. MARLIN Whoo-hoo! [singing] We did it, we did it! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! No eating here tonight, whoo! BOTH [singing] Eating here tonight! MARLIN Dory. DORY [singing] No, no, no eating here tonight. You on a diet-- MARLIN Dory! What did the mask say? DORY 'P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney'. [gasps] I remember what it said! I usually forget things, but I remembered it this time! MARLIN Whoa, whoa, wait! Where is that? DORY I don't know. But who cares? I remembered! MARLIN/DORY Aaah! DORY P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. I remembered it again! ====================================================================================== JACQUES Psst. Nemo. NEMO Mmmm... JACQUES Nemo. NEMO Huh? JACQUES Suivez-moi. Follow me. BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE [chanting] Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hahoo! Wahoo! Yahoo! Ho! Ha! Ho! Wahee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hoo! GILL State your name. 23 NEMO Nemo. GILL Brother Bloat, proceed. BLOAT Nemo! Newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the summit of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us in the fraternal bonds of tankhood. NEMO Huh? PEACH We want you in our club, kid. NEMO Really? BLOAT If you are able to swim through..THE RING OF FIRE! [whispers to Jacques] Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire, you said you could do it--THE RING OF FIRE! BUBBLES Bubbles! Bubbles! Let me--oww! BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE [chanting] PEACH Isn't there another way? He's just a boy! JACQUES [wailing] GILL From this moment on, you will now be known as Sharkbait. BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh ha ha! GILL Welcome, brother Sharkbait! BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh ha ha! GILL Enough with the Sharkbait. GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh..ba-ba-doo. GILL Okay, Sharkbait's one of us now, agreed? BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Agreed! GILL We can't send him off to his death. Darla's coming in 5 days, so what are we gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do: we're gonna get him outta here. We're gonna help him escape. NEMO Escape? Really? GILL We're all gonna escape! GURGLE Gill, please, not another one of your escape plans. DEB Sorry, but they, they just, they never work. 24 BLOAT Yeah. Why should this be any different? GILL 'Cause we've got him. NEMO Me? GILL You see that filter? NEMO Yeah? GILL You're the only one who can get in and out of that thing. What we need you to do is take a pebble inside and jam the gears. You do that and this tank's gonna get filthier and filthier by the minute. Pretty soon, the dentist'll have to clean the tank himself. And when he does, he'll take us out of the tank, put us in the individual baggies, then we roll ourselves down the counter, out of the window, off the awning, into the bushes, across the street and into the harbor! It's foolproof! Who's with me? BLOAT Aye! JACQUES Aye! DEB Aye! BUBBLES Aye! GURGLE I think your nuts. GILL/NEMO [sighs] GURGLE No offense, kid, but, um..you're not the best swimmer. GILL He's fine, he can do this. So Sharkbait, what do you think? NEMO Let's do it. ====================================================================================== DORY I'm going to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Where are you going? I'm going to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. If you're askin' where I'm goin'. I'll tell you that's where I'm going. It's P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Where? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way... MARLIN Excuse me. Ex-excuse me, um, hi. Do you know how to get to--hello? W-w-w-wait! Can you tell me--hey! Hold it! Wait a minute! I'm trying to talk to you. Okay, fellas, come back here. Please, one quick question. I need to aaaaand they're gone again. [sighs] DORY P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Why do I have to tell you over and over again? I'll tell you again. I don't get tired of it-- MARLIN Okay, all right. DORY Huh? MARLIN Here's the thing. DORY 25 Uh-huh. MARLIN Y'know, I just, I-I think it's best if I just, if I just, carry on from here by..by myself. DORY Okay. MARLIN Y'know, alone. DORY Uh-huh. MARLIN Without, without..well, I mean, not without you. I mean, it's just that I don't want you... with me. DORY Huh? MARLIN I don't wanna hurt your feelings.. DORY You want me to leave? MARLIN Well, I mean not..yes, yeah. It's just that you know I-I just can't afford anymore delays and you're one of those fish that cause delays. And sometimes it's a good thing. There's a whole group of fish. They're..'delay fish'. DORY You mean..[whimper]you mean you don't..like me? [sobs] MARLIN No, of course I like you. It's because I like you I don't wanna be with you. It's a complicated emotion. Oh, don't cry. I like you. MOONFISH LEADER Hey, you! Lady, is this guy botherin' you? DORY Um, I don't remember. Were you? MARLIN No, no, no, no, no. We're just, we're..hey, do you guys know how I can get to-- MOONFISH LEADER Look, pal. We're talkin' to the lady, not you. Hey-hey, you like impressions? DORY Mm-mmm-mmmm. MOONFISH LEADER Okay. Just like in rehearsals, gentlemen. So, what are we? Take a guess. DORY Oh, oh, I've seen one of those. MOONFISH LEADER I'm a fish with a nose like a sword. DORY Wait, wait, um.. MARLIN It's a swordfish. MOONFISH LEADER Hey, clown boy! Let the lady guess. Where's the butter? DORY Oh-oh-oh! It's on the tip of my tongue. MARLIN [coughs up answer]Lobster. 26 MOONFISH LEADER Saw that. MARLIN What? MOONFISH LEADER Lots of legs, lives in the ocean. DORY Clam! MOONFISH LEADER Close enough. [singing] Oh, it's a whale of a tale, I'll tell you lad, a whale of a tale. DORY Oh, they're good. MARLIN Will somebody please give me directions? MOONFISH LEADER [impersonating Marlin] Will somebody please give me directions? DORY Ha ha ha ha ha! MARLIN I'm serious. MOONFISH LEADER Blah-blah-blah! Me-me-blah! Blah-blah-blah-blah-me-me-me! MARLIN Thank you. DORY Oh dear. Hey, hey come back! Hey, what's the matter? MARLIN What's the matter? While they're doing their silly little impressions, I am miles from home, with a fish that can't even remember her own name. DORY Boy, bet that's frustrating. MARLIN Yeah. Meanwhile my son is out there. DORY You're son Chico? MARLIN Nemo. DORY Right. Got it. MARLIN But it doesn't matter, 'cause no fish in this entire ocean is gonna help me. DORY Well, I'm helping you. Wait right here. Hey, guys. MOONFISH LEADER What, is he bothering you again? DORY No, no, he's a good guy. Go easy on him, he's lost his son, Fabio. Any of you heard of P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney? MOONFISH LEADER Sydney? Oh sure. Why, Ted here's got relatives in Sydney. Don't you, Ted? MOONFISH TED Sure do. 27 DORY Oh, hey! They know Sydney! MARLIN [gasps] DORY You wouldn't know how to get there, would you? MOONFISH LEADER What you wanna do is follow the EAC, that's the East Australian Current. Big current, can't miss it, it's in..that direction. And then you gotta follow that for about, I don't know, what do you guys think? About three leagues? And that little baby's gonna put you right past Sydney. MOONFISH SCHOOL TA-DAA! MARLIN Great! That's great! Dory, you did it! DORY Oh, please. I'm just your little helper. Helping along, that's me. MARLIN Well, listen fellas, thank you. MOONFISH LEADER Don't mention it. And, uh, loosen up. Okay, buddy? DORY Oh, you guys. You really nailed him. Bye. MOONFISH LEADER Oh, hey ma'am, one more thing. DORY Yes. MOONFISH LEADER When you come to this trench, swim through it, not over it. DORY Trench, through it, not over it. I'll remember. Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, wait up, partner. Hold on. Wait! Wait-wait! I got, I gotta tell you something..whoa. Nice trench. Hello! Okay, let's go. MARLIN Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're gonna swim over this thing. DORY Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag goin' up. Somethin's telling me we should swim through it, not over it. MARLIN Are you even looking at this thing? It's got death written all over it. DORY I'm sorry, but I really, really, really think we should swim through. MARLIN And I'm really, really done talking about this. Over we go. DORY Come on, trust me on this. MARLIN Trust you? DORY Yes, trust. It's what friends do. MARLIN Look! Something shiny! DORY 28 Where? MARLIN Oh, it just swam over the trench. Come on, we'll follow it. DORY Okay. DORY Boy, sure is clear up here. MARLIN Exactly. And look at that, there's the current. We should be there in no time. DORY Hey, little guy. MARLIN You wanted to go through the trench. DORY I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come here, Squishy. Come here, little Squishy. [Baby talk]---oww! MARLIN Dory! That's a jellyfish! DORY Bad Squishy! Bad Squishy! MARLIN Shoo! Shoo, shoo! Get away! Come here, let me see. DORY Don't touch it! Don't touch it! MARLIN I'm not gonna touch it. I just wanna look. DORY Heeey, how come it didn't sting you? MARLIN It did. It's just that.. DORY Ow! Ow, oww! MARLIN ..hold still. I live in this anemone and I'm, I'm, I'm used to these kind of stings. Come here. DORY Ow, ow! Oww! MARLIN It doesn't look bad, you're gonna be fine. But now we know, don't we? DORY Yeah. MARLIN That we don't wanna touch these again. Let's be thankful this time it was just a little one.[gasps] MARLIN/DORY Aaaah! MARLIN Don't move! This is bad, Dory. DORY Hey, watch this! Boing! Boing! MARLIN [gasps] Dory! 29 DORY Boing-boing-boing! [singing] You can't catch me! MARLIN Dory! Don't bounce on the tops! They will..not sting you. The tops don't sting you, that's it! DORY Ooh! Two in a row, beat that. MARLIN Dory! All right, listen to me. I have an idea, a game. DORY A game? MARLIN A game. DORY A game? MARLIN Yes. DORY Aah! I love games! Pick me! MARLIN All right, here's the game. Um, whoever can hop the fastest out of these jellyfish, wins. DORY Okay! MARLIN Rules, rules, rules! DORY Okay! MARLIN You can't touch the tentacles, only the tops. DORY Something about tentacles, got it. On your mark, get set, go! MARLIN W-wait! Wait! Not something about them, it's all about them! Wait! DORY Weeee! MARLIN Dory! DORY Gotta go faster if you wanna win! MARLIN [gasps] Dory! DORY Boing! Boing! Boing-boing-boing-boing! MARLIN Wait a minute--whoa! Dory! DORY Weeee! MARLIN So, we're cheating death now. That's what we're doin'. We're havin' fun at the same time. I can do this, just be careful. DORY Yeah, careful I don't make you cry when I win! 30 MARLIN Oh, I don't think so! DORY Ha ha ha ha! Whooo! Give it up, old man. You can't fight evolution, I was built for speed. MARLIN The question is, Dory, are you hungry? DORY Huh? Hungry? MARLIN Yeah, 'cause you're about to eat my bubbles! Duck to the left! Right there! The clownfish is the winner! Woohoo! We did it! We're gonna...Dory? Oh no. Dory! Dory! Dory! [gasps] Dory! Uggghhh! DORY Ugh...am I disqualified? MARLIN No, you're doing fine! You're, you're actually winning! But you gotta stay awake. Uh, where does P. Sherman live? DORY P..Sherman..Wallaby Way...Sydney... MARLIN That's it! Oww! Ow! Stay awake! Stay awake! Ow! Stay awake! Stay--awake! DORY Awake...P..Sherman.. MARLIN Awake... DORY ..42 Wallaby Way... MARLIN Awake...wake up...Nemo... ====================================================================================== GILL You miss your dad, don't you, Sharkbait? NEMO Yeah. GILL Well, you're lucky to have someone out there who's lookin' for you. NEMO He's not looking for me. He's scared of the ocean. GILL Peach, any movement? PEACH He's had at least four cups of coffee, it's gotta be soon. GILL Keep on him. GILL My first escape, landed on dental tools. I was aimin' for the toilet. NEMO Toilet? GILL All drains lead to the ocean, kid. NEMO Wow. How many times have you tried to get out? 31 GILL Aah, I've lost count. Fish aren't meant to be in a box, kid. It does things to 'ya. BUBBLES Bubbles! Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles--- PEACH Potty break! Potty break! He just grabbed the Reader's Digest! We have 4.2 minutes. GILL That's your cue, Sharkbait. BLOAT You can do it, kid. GILL Okay, you gotta be quick. Once you get in, you swim down to the bottom of the chamber and I'll talk you through the rest. NEMO Okay. GILL Go on, it'll be a piece of kelp. NEMO [takes a deep breath] GILL Nicely done! Can you hear me? NEMO Yeah. GILL Here comes the pebble. Now, do you see a small opening? NEMO Uh-huh. GILL Okay, inside it you'll see a rotating fan. Very carefully, wedge that pebble into the fan to stop it turning. NEMO Aaah! GILL Careful, Sharkbait. NEMO I can't do it! PEACH Gill, this isn't a good idea. GILL He'll be fine. Try again. NEMO Okay. GILL That's it, Sharkbait. Nice and steady. NEMO I got it! I got it! PEACH [sigh] BLOAT He did it! GURGLE Whew! 32 GILL That's great, kid! Now, swim up the tube and out. NEMO Oh no! Gill! Gill! GILL Sharkbait! BLOAT Oh my gosh! GILL Get 'im outta there! Get 'im outta there! BUBBLES Help him! GURGLE What do we do!? What do we do!? PEACH Oh no! GILL Stay calm, kid! Just don't panic! NEMO Help me! GILL Sharkbait! Grab hold of this! NEMO No! No! GILL Feed me more! GURGLE That's it! GILL Come on, Sharkbait! Grab it! NEMO I got it! GILL Pull! PEACH Gill, don't make him go back in there. GILL No. We're done. ====================================================================================== CRUSH Dude. MARLIN Ooh... CRUSH Dude. Focus, dude. Dude. MARLIN Ooooh... CRUSH Oh, he lives! Hey, dude! MARLIN Ooooh..what happened? 33 CRUSH Oh, saw the whole thing, dude. First you were like, 'whoa'! And then we were all like, 'whoa'! And then you were like, 'whoa'. MARLIN What're you talking about? CRUSH You, mini-man. Takin' on the jellies. You got serious thrill issues, dude. MARLIN Ooh. CRUSH Awesome. MARLIN Ooh..ooh, my stomach. Ooooh.. CRUSH Oh, man. No hurlin' on the shell, dude, okay, just waxed it. MARLIN So Mr. Turtle... CRUSH Whoa, dude. Mr. Turtle is my father. Name's Crush. MARLIN Crush? Really? Okay Crush, listen I need to get to the East Australian Current. EAC? CRUSH Ha ha ha, dude, ha ha, you're ridin' it, dude! Check it out! CRUSH Okay, grab shell, dude! MARLIN Grabbing--waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Whooooooaaaa!!! CRUSH Ha ha! Righteous! Righteous! Yeah! MARLIN Stop! CRUSH So, what brings you on this fine day to the EAC? MARLIN Well, Dory and I need to get to Sydney. [gasps] Dory! Dory! Is she all right!? CRUSH Oh. Oh, Little Blue. She is sub-level, dude. MARLIN Dory, Dory! Dory! DORY Hmm-mmm.... MARLIN Oh, Dory. I-I-I'm so sorry. This is all my fault, it's my fault... DORY ..29, 30! Ready or not, here I come! There you are! Catch me if you can! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! MARLIN Huh? SQUIRT Whoa! MARLIN [gasps] Oh my goodnes! 34 CRUSH Whoa. Kill the motor, dude. Let us see what Squirt does flying solo. SQUIRT Whoa! Whoa! That was so cool! Hey dad, did you see that? Did you see me? Did you see what I did? CRUSH You so totally rock, Squirt! So give me some fin..noggin.. CRUSH/SQUIRT ..dude! CRUSH Oh, intro. Jellyman, Offspring. Offspring, Jellyman. SQUIRT Jellies? Sweet. CRUSH Totally. MARLIN Well, apparently, I must've done something you all like. Heh, uh, dudes. SQUIRT You rock, dude. MARLIN Ow. CRUSH Curl away, my son. Aw, it's awesome, Jellyman. Little dudes are just eggs, leave 'em on the beach to hatch, then coo-coo-ca-choo, they find their way back to the big 'ol blue. MARLIN All by themselves? CRUSH Yeah. MARLIN But-but-but dude, how do you know when they're ready? CRUSH Well, you never really know. But when they'll know, you'll know, you know? Ha. DORY Hey! Look, everybody! SQUIRT I know that dude. It's the Jellyman. DORY Well, go on, jump on him. TURTLE KIDS Turtle pile! MARLIN W-w-wai-wait-- TURTLE KID 1 Are you funny? TURTLE KID 2 Where's your shell? MARLIN Hold on, I need to breath-- TURTLE KID 3 Are you running away? TURTLE KID 4 Did you really cross the jellyfish forest? 35 TURTLE KID 5 Did they sting you? MARLIN One at a time! TURTLE KID 6 Mr. Fish, did you die? DORY Sorry. I was a little vague on the details. SQUIRT So where are you going? MARLIN Well, you see my son was taken. My son was taken away from me. TURTLE KIDS [gasp] DORY No way. SQUIRT What happened? MARLIN No, no, no, kids. I don't wanna talk about it. TURTLE KIDS Awww! Please? SQUIRT Pleeeease? MARLIN [sighs] Well, okay. I live on this reef, a long long way from here. DORY Oh, boy. This is gonna be good, I can tell. MARLIN And my son, Nemo, see he was mad at me. And maybe he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so tough on him, I don't know. Anyway, he swam out in the open water to this boat and when he was out there, these divers appeared and I tried to stop them but the boat was too fast. So we swam out in the ocean to follow them... TURTLE KID They couldn't stop them. And then Nemo's dad, he swims out to the ocean and they bump into.. SMALL FISH ..three ferocious sharks! He scares away the sharks by blowin' them up! BIG FISH Golly, that's amazing! SMALL FISH And then dives thousands of.. LOBSTER ..feet straight down into the dark. It's like wicked dark down there, you can see a thing. How's it goin', Bob? And the only thing that they can see down there.. SWORDFISH ..is the light from this big horrible creature with razor sharp teeth. Nice parry, old man. And then he has to blast his way... DOLPHIN So, these two little fish have been..searching the ocean for days. On the East Australian Current. FEMALE BIRD Which means that he may be on his way here right now. That should put them in Sydney.. MALE BIRD 1 ..Harbor in a matter of days. I mean, it sounds like this guy's gonna stop at.. 36 MALE BIRD 2 ..nothing until he finds his son. I sure hope he makes it. MALE BIRD 3 That's one dedicated father if you ask me. GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! NIGEL Oh, would you just shut up! You're rats with wings! PELICAN ..bloke's been lookin' for his boy Nemo. NIGEL Nemo? PELICAN He was taken off the reef by divers and this.. NIGEL There, take it! You happy! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! NIGEL Hey, hey, hey! Say that again! You said something about Nemo. What was it? GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! CRAB Whooooooaaa..watcha! GULL Mine! PELICAN Last I heard, he's headin' towards the harbor. NIGEL Ho ho! Brilliant! ====================================================================================== NEMO [sighs] DEB Is he doing okay? GURGLE I don't know, but whatever you do, don't mention D-A-R.. NEMO It's okay, I know who you're talking about. NEMO Gill? Gill? GILL Hey, Sharkbait. NEMO I'm sorry I couldn't stop the-- GILL No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I was so ready to get out, so ready to taste that ocean. I was willing to put you in harm's way to get there. Nothing should be worth that. I'm sorry I couldn't get you back to your father, kid. NIGEL All right! Hey, hey, hey, hey--! 37 DENTIST What the!? PATIENT AAAAAAAAAH!!! Oooooh... DENTIST Well, uh, that's one way to pull a tooth. He he he he he! Huh, darn kids. Well, good thing I pulled the right one, eh, prime minister? He he he he! NIGEL Hey, hey. Psst! PEACH Oh, Nigel. You just missed an extraction. NIGEL Ooh! Has he loosened the periodontal ligament yet--oh, what I'm talkin' about!? Nemo! Where's Nemo? I gotta speak with him. NEMO What? What is it? NIGEL Your dad's been fighting the entire ocean looking for you. NEMO My father? Really? GILL Really? NIGEL Oh yeah. He's travelled hundreds of miles. He's been battling sharks and jellyfish and all sorts of-- NEMO Sharks? That can't be him. NIGEL Are you sure? What was his name? Some sort of sportfish or something: tuna, uh, trout.. NEMO Marlin? NIGEL That's it! Marlin! The little clownfish from the reef. NEMO It's my dad! He took on a shark! NIGEL I heard he took on three. DEB/BLOAT/GURGLE Three!? GILL Three sharks!? BLOAT That's gotta be forty eight hundred teeth! NIGEL You see, kid, after you were taken by diver Dan over there, your dad followed the boat you were on like a maniac. NEMO Really? NIGEL He's swimming and he's swimming and he's giving it all he's got and then three gigantic sharks capture him and he blows them up! And then dives thousands of feet and gets chased by a monster with huge teeth! He ties this demon to a rock and what does he get for a reward? He gets to battle an entire jellyfish forest! And now he's riding with a bunch of sea turtles on the East Australian Current and the word is he's headed this way right now, to Sydney! 38 BLOAT Wow! Ha ha ha! DEB Oh, what a good daddy! GILL He was lookin' for you after all, Sharkbait. GILL [gasps] GURGLE He's swimming to the filter! GILL [gasps] Sharkbait! BLOAT Not again! GILL Sharkbait! DEB No! GURGLE You've got your whole life ahead of you! BLOAT Oh no! GILL We'll help you, kid! BLOAT Gotta get him out! DEB Gimme that thing! DEB Get him outta there! GURGLE Come on, kid! Grab the end! ALL [gasps] DEB Sharkbait! BLOAT Sharkbait! Are you okay!? GURGLE No! GILL Can you hear me, Sharkbait!? Nemo! Can you hear me!? NEMO Yeah, I can hear you. GILL Sharkbait, you did it! GURGLE Sharkbait, you're--covered with germs! Aaaaaaah!!! GILL That took guts, kid. GILL 39 All right, gang. We have less than 48 hours before Darla gets here. This tank'll get plenty dirty in that time but we have to help it along any way we can. Jacques! JACQUES Oui! GILL No cleaning. JACQUES I shall resist. GILL Everybody else, be as gross as possible. Think dirty thoughts. We're gonna make this tank so filthy, the dentist'll have to clean it. BLOAT [belch] GILL Good work. NEMO Ha ha ha ha! ====================================================================================== CRUSH All right, we're here, dudes! Get ready! Your exit's comin' up, man! MARLIN Where!? I don't see it! DORY Right there! I see it! I see it! MARLIN You mean the swirling vortex of terror!? CRUSH That's it, dude! MARLIN Of course it is. CRUSH Okay, first: find your exit buddy! CRUSH Do you have your exit buddy? DORY Yes! CRUSH Okay, Squirt here will now give you a rundown of proper exiting technique! SQUIRT Good afternoon, we're gonna have a great jump today! Okay, crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall! There's a screaming bottom turn, so watch out! Remember: rip it, roll it and punch it! MARLIN It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it! You know, you're really cute! But I don't know what you're saying! Say the first thing again! CRUSH Okay, Jellyman! Go, go, go, go, go, go! MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaaaah!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!! Whoooooooooooaaaaa!!! Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! Woohoooo!!! Whoooooaaa!!! DORY Whoooo! MARLIN 40 Ha ha ha ha! That was..fun! Ha ha! I actually enjoyed that! DORY Hey, look! Turtles! CRUSH Ha ha! Most excellent! Now, turn your fishy tails 'round and swim straight on through to Sydney! No worries, man! MARLIN No worries! Thank you, dude Crush! TURTLE KIDS Bye! Bye, Jellyman! CRUSH You tell your little dude I said 'hi', okay? SQUIRT See you later, dudes! DORY Bye, everyone! MARLIN Oh, Nemo would've loved this. Hey, ooh! Hey, Crush! Crush, I forgot! How old are you? CRUSH Hundred and fifty, dude! And still young! Rock on! MARLIN Hundred and fifty! Hundred and fifty, I gotta remember that. DORY Whoa. We goin' in there? MARLIN Yup. DORY P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney? MARLIN Yup. We're gonna just swim straight. DORY [singing] Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. MARLIN Dory? ====================================================================================== MARLIN Boy, this is taking a while. DORY Hey, how about we play a game? MARLIN Okay. DORY Uh, okay. I'm thinking of something, uh, orange. And it's small.. MARLIN It's me. DORY Right. Okay.. DORY ..orange, and uh, small.. MARLIN It's me. 41 DORY All righty, Mr. Smarty Pants. DORY ..orange and small, and white stripes.. MARLIN Me. And the next one's just a guess: me. DORY Okay, that's just scary. MARLIN W-w-wait, I have definitely seen this floating speck before. That means we've passed it before and that means we're going in circles and that means we're not going straight! DORY Hey. Hey! MARLIN We gotta get to the surface, come on! Let's figure it out up there. Let's go! Follow me! Wha--? DORY Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Relax. Take a deep breath. Now, let's ask somebody for directions. MARLIN Oh, fine. Who do you wanna ask, the speck? There's nobody here! DORY Well, there has to be someone. It's the ocean, silly, we're not the only two in here. Let's see...okay, no one there. Uhh, nope. Nada. [gasps] There's somebody. Hey! Excuse-- MARLIN Dory! Dory! Dory! Okay, now it's my turn. I'm thinking of something dark and mysterious. It's a fish we don't know. And if we ask it directions, it could ingest us and spit out our bones! DORY What is it with men and asking for directions? MARLIN Look, I don't wanna play the gender card right now. You wanna play a card? Let's play the 'Let's Not Die' card. DORY You wanna get outta here, don't you? MARLIN Of course, I do. DORY Well then, how are we gonna do that unless we give it a shot and hope for the best? Hmmm? Hmmmm!? Come on, trust me on this. MARLIN All right. DORY Excuse me! Woohoo! Little fella? Hello. Don't be rude, say 'hi'. MARLIN Ha..hello. DORY His son Bingo.. MARLIN Nemo. DORY ..Nemo, was taken to, uh.. MARLIN Sydney. DORY 42 Sydney. Yes. And it's really, really important that we get there as fast as we can. So can you help us out? Come on, little fella. Come on. MARLIN Dory, I'm a little fella. I don't think that's a little fella. DORY Oh. Oh, oh, big fella. Big fe--whale. Okay. Maybe he only speaks whale. MOOOOO-WEEEEEEE-NEEEEED... MARLIN Uh, Dory..what're you doing? DORY TOOOOOOO-FIIIIIIND... MARLIN What're you doing? DORY HIS-SOOOOOOOOOOOON... MARLIN Are you sure you speak whale? DORY CAN-YOOOOOOOUUU-GIIIIIIIIIVE-USSSS-DIRECTIOOOOOOOONS-TOOOOOOOOO... MARLIN Dory! Heaven knows what you're saying! See, he's swimming away. DORY COOOME-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! MARLIN He's not coming back. You offended him. DORY Maybe a different dialect. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA..! MARLIN Dory. Dory, this is not whale. You're speaking like..upset stomach. DORY Maybe I should try humpback. MARLIN No, don't try humpback. DORY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOO!!! WAAAAAAAAAOOOOOO!!! MARLIN Okay, you actually sound sick. DORY Maybe louder, huh? RAAAH!!! RAAAAH!!! MARLIN Don't do that! DORY Too much orca. Didn't it sound a little orca-ish? MARLIN It doesn't sound orca! It sounds like nothing I've ever heard! DORY MOOOO..MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MARLIN It's just as well, he might be hungry. DORY Don't worry. Whales don't eat clownfish, they eat krill. KRILL 43 Swim away! DORY Oh, look. Krill. MARLIN Move, Dory! Move! DORY Aah-aaah! Aaaaaaaaaah! ====================================================================================== GILL Look at that. Would you look at that? Filthy. Absolutely filthy. And it's all thanks to you, kid. You made it possible. Jacques, I said no cleaning! JACQUES I am ashamed. PEACH Hey, look. Scum angel. GURGLE Aah! Aaaah! Ooh-ooh! Aaaaah! BUBBLES Bubbles! I love the bubbles--! [coughs] DEB Flo! Flo! Has anybody seen Flo? Flo! PEACH Nine o' clock and cue dentist. DENTIST Hello, Barbara. Sorry I'm late. PEACH Okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go, okay. DENTIST Little Davey Reynolds. PEACH Okay. Walks to the counter, drops the keys.. GURGLE Bloat, that's disgusting! BLOAT Tastes pretty good to me. [belch] GURGLE Eww! Don't you people realize we are swimming in our own-- PEACH Shhh! Here he comes. DENTIST Crikey, what a state. Oh. Barbara, what's my earliest appointment tomorrow? BARBARA Uh, ten 'o clock, luv. DENTIST Leave it open, would you? I gotta clean the fish tank before Darla gets here. GILL He he! Did you hear that, Sharkbait? NEMO Yay! He's gonna clean the tank! He's gonna clean the tank! We're gonna be clean! GILL Are you ready to see your dad, kid? 44 NEMO Uh-huh. GILL Of course you are. Y'know, I wouldn't be surprised if he's out there in the harbor waitin' for you right now. NEMO Yeah. ====================================================================================== MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Ooof! DORY Ha~~haaa~~haaaaaaah! Whooo! MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaah! DORY Here comes a big one--whooooooo! Come on, you gotta try this! MARLIN Would you just stop it!? DORY Why? What's wrong? MARLIN We're in a whale! Don't you get it!? DORY A whale? MARLIN A whale! 'Cause you had to ask for help! And now we're stuck here! DORY Wow. A whale. You know I speak whale. MARLIN No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! I have to find my son! I have to tell him how old sea turtles are! [sobs] DORY Woo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo! Hey. You okay? DORY There, there. It's all right. It'll be okay. MARLIN No. No, it won't. DORY Sure it will, you'll see. MARLIN No. I promised him I'd never let anything happen to him. DORY Huh. That's a funny thing to promise. MARLIN What? DORY Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo. DORY Hmm.. MARLIN What's going on? 45 DORY I don't know. I'll ask him. MMMWWHAAAAAAAAA! HUUUWHAAAAAAAAA.. MARLIN Dory. Dory. MARLIN ..AAAAAAAAAAT'SSS-GOOIIIIIIING.. MARLIN Dory. DORY ..OOOOOOOOONNN? DORY I think he says we've stopped. MARLIN Of course, we've stopped. Just stop trying to speak whale, you're gonna make things worse. [gasps] What is that noise? Oh no. Look what you did. The water's going down! It's-it's-it's going down! DORY Really? You sure about that? MARLIN Look, it's already half-empty! DORY Hmm..I'd say it's half full. MARLIN Stop that! It's half-empty! DORY Okay, that one was a little tougher. He either said we should go to the back of the throat or he wants a root beer float. MARLIN Of course he wants us to go there! That's eating us! How do I taste, Moby!? Huh!? Do I taste good!? You tell him I'm not interested in being lunch! DORY Okay. HEEEEEEEEE-- MARLIN Stop talking to him--waaaah! DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! MARLIN What is going on!? DORY I'll check! WHAAAAAAA--! MARLIN No! No more whale! You can't speak whale! DORY Yes, I can! MARLIN No, you can't! You think you could do these things but you can't, Nemo! DORY Okay. MARLIN Dory! DORY He says it's time to let go! Everything's gonna be all right! MARLIN 46 How do you know!? How do you know something bad isn't gonna happen!? DORY I don't! MARLIN/DORY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! MARLIN Ha ha ha! We're alive! DORY Look! Sy-d-ney..Sydney! Uh, Sydney! Sydney again! MARLIN You were right, Dory! We made it! We're gonna find my son! MARLIN THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU-SIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! DORY Wow. I wish I could speak whale. MARLIN Okay. All we gotta do is find the boat that took him. DORY Right! MARLIN Come on, Dory. We can do this! ====================================================================================== PEACH [yawn] Morning. [gasps] It's morning, everyone! Today's the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean and we are getting out of--[gasps]--the tank is clean. The tank is clean! DEB But how? GILL Boss must've installed it last night while we were sleepin'. NEMO What're we gonna do? GILL What's it say, Peach? PEACH [muffled] The AquaScum two-thousand.. GILL I can't hear you, Peach. PEACH 'The AquaScum 2003 is an all-purpose, self-cleaning maintenance free salt water purifier that is guaranteed to even extend the life of your aquarium fish'. BLOAT [inflates] Stop it! PEACH 'The AquaScum is programmed to scan your tank environment every 5 minutes'? GURGLE Scan? What does that mean? GURGLE Aaah! AQUASCUM Temperature: 82 degrees. PH balance: normal. ALL Oooooh. 47 PEACH Nice. GURGLE Ooh..ah..curse you, AquaScum! BLOAT That's it for the escape plan. It's ruined! NEMO Then what're we gonna do about-- ALL [gasps] Darla! GILL Stay down, kid! BLOAT False alarm. GURGLE My nerves can't take much more of this. BLOAT What're we gonna do when that little brat gets here? GILL I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'. NEMO Aaah! Oh! Gill! GILL [gasps] Nemo! NEMO Help me! Help me! GILL Hold on! I'm comin'! NEMO Help me! GILL Swim down! Come on, kid! Swim down! Come on! BLOAT Everybody jump in! DEB Swim down! GILL That's it! DENTIST What the!? ALL Yay! GILL Good work! NEMO Gill! GILL [gasps] Nemo! BLOAT Sharkbait! GILL 48 Roll, kid! Lean! Lean! DENTIST Whoops. That would've been a nasty fall. NEMO Gill! Don't let me go belly up! GILL Just calm down, Nemo. NEMO Don't let me go belly up! GILL You won't go belly up, I promise. You're gonna be okay. ALL [gasps] Darla! ====================================================================================== DORY All right, do any of these boats look familiar to you? MARLIN No, but the boat has to be here somewhere! Come on, Dory, we're gonna find it. DORY I'm totally excited. [yawn] Are you excited? [yawn] MARLIN Dory, wake up, wake up. Come on. DORY [gasps] Duck! MARLIN That's not a duck. It's a--pelican! Whooooaaaaah! DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MARLIN No! I didn't come this far to be breakfast! PELICAN Hey, hey, Nigel. Heh, would you look at that? NIGEL Huh? Wha-what? PELICAN Sun's barely up and already Gerald's had more than he can handle. NIGEL Yeah. Reckon somebody oughta help the poor guy. PELICANS Yeah, yeah, right. NIGEL Well, don't everybody fly off at once. NIGEL All right, Gerald, what is it? Fish got your tongue? DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! NIGEL Love a duck! MARLIN I gotta find my son Nemo! NIGEL 49 [gasps] Nemo? Hey, hey, hey! He's that fish! Y'know the one we were talking about! The one that's been fighting the whole ocean! Hey, I know where your son i--huh? Hey, wait! Come back! Stop! MARLIN Dory, keep going! He's crazy! NIGEL I got something to tell 'ya! GULL Mine. NIGEL Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth if you want to live. MARLIN Hop in your mouth, huh? And how does that make me live? GULL Mine. NIGEL Because I can take you to your son. MARLIN Yeah, right. NIGEL No. I know your son. He's orange, he's got a gimpy fin on one side.. MARLIN That's Nemo! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! NIGEL Fasten your seatbelts! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! DORY Whoooooo! Woohooooo! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! DORY Ha-haaaa! Ha ha ha ha! MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! NIGEL Everybody hold on! MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! ====================================================================================== BUBBLES Aaaah! Too loud! Too loud for me! DARLA [singing] Twinkle, twinkle little star. PEACH Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place! 50 BARBARA Darla, you're uncle will see you now. DENTIST All right, let's see those pearly whites. DARLA RAAAH! I'm a piranha. They're in the Amazon. DENTIST And a piranha's a fish, just like your present. DARLA [giggling] I get a fishy! Fishy, fishy, fishy! DENTIST Oh no. Poor little guy. BLOAT He's dead! GILL Sharkbait! DARLA Yay! Fishy, fishy, fishy! DENTIST He he he! Must've left your present in the car, sweetie. Ha ha ha ha ha! DARLA Awwwww. DENTIST I'll go and get it. GILL [gasps] He's still alive! PEACH He's not dead! BLOAT What's happening? Why is he playing dead? GILL He's gonna get flushed down the toilet! He's gonna get outta here! DEB Yay! BLOAT He's gonna get flushed! GURGLE What a smart little guy! GILL Oh no, not the trash can! BUBBLES Nemo! No! NIGEL Hey! Hey! I found his dad! MARLIN Where's Nemo!? Where is he!? BLOAT Dentist! Dentist! GILL He's over there! MARLIN 51 What's a dentist!? What is that!? [gasps] Nigel, get in there! NIGEL I can't go in there. MARLIN Oh yes, you can! Charge! DARLA Aaaaaaaaaaaah! DENTIST What the--!? Darla, sweetie! Look out! DARLA Aaaaaaaah! DENTIST Hold still! DARLA Aaaaaaaah! DENTIST Easy! Easy! DARLA Aaaaaaaah! DENTIST Hold still! Nobody's going to hurt you! Oof! MARLIN [gasps] Nemo. DORY [gasps] Oh my goodness. DENTIST Gotcha! Keep down! MARLIN Nemo! NEMO Daddy? DENTIST Out with 'ya! And stay out! NEMO Daddy!? DARLA Fishy? Fishy! Wake up! Wake up! DEB Oh no! GILL Quick! To the top of Mt. Wannahockaloogie! DARLA Why are you sleeping!? PEACH Hurry! GILL Bloat! Ring of Fire! DARLA Fishy--aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaah! DENTIST What!? All the animals have gone mad! 52 DARLA Aaaaaaaah! Get it out! GURGLE Smack her in the head! BLOAT Go, Gill! Go! DARLA Fish in my hair! Aaaaaaaah! NEMO Gill. GILL Sharkbait. Tell your dad..I said..hi. Go get 'em. DENTIST Ooooh. [gasps] BLOAT He did it! Ha ha! DEB Yay! BUBBLES I'm so happy! GURGLE Is he gonna be okay, Gill? GILL Don't worry. All drains lead to the ocean. DARLA Fishy! NEMO Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Daddy! ====================================================================================== NIGEL I'm, I'm so sorry. Truly, I am. DORY Hey.. MARLIN Dory. If it wasn't for you, I never even would have made it here. So, thank you. DORY Hey! Hey, wait a minute. W-w-wait! Where are you going? MARLIN It's over, Dory. We were too late. Nemo's gone and I'm going home now. DORY No..no, you can't! Stop! Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave, if you leave...I just, I remember things better with you. I do. Look, P. Sherman, 42..40..2..agh! I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I, I look at you and...I'm home. Please. I don't want them to go away. I don't wanna forget. MARLIN I'm sorry, Dory, but I do. ====================================================================================== CRAB 1 Manna from heavens! CRAB 2 Sweet nectar of life! 53 CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey! Hey! CRAB 1 This is our spot! CRAB 2 Go on! Get outta here! CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey, hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! CRAB 1 Yeah, that's it fella! Just keep on swimmin', you got that! CRAB 2 Too right, mate! Oh, Oh! I got a live one here! NEMO Hey, have you seen my dad? CRAB 2 Gotcha! Hey! Hey! Come back here! CRAB 1 You let 'im go! CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey, hey! NEMO Dad! Dad! Dad! DORY Aah! No! NEMO Um, excuse me. Are you all right? DORY I don't know where I am! I don't know what's going on, I think I lost somebody but I, I can't remember. NEMO It's okay, it's okay. I'm looking for someone too. Hey, we can look together. DORY I'm Dory. NEMO I'm Nemo. DORY Nemo? That's a nice name. ====================================================================================== NEMO Dad! DORY Dad! NEMO Dad! DORY Dad! Wait a minute, is it your dad or my dad? NEMO My dad. DORY Got it. Dad! NEMO Where are we, anyway? 54 DORY Dad! Dad! Oh. S-ss-syl--shi--Sydney. [gasps] 'P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney'. DORY Aaaaah! Nemo! It's you! Aaaaaah! You're Nemo! NEMO [muffled] Yes! Yes! I'm Nemo! DORY Oh! You're Nemo! [gasps] You were dead! I saw you! And then I--[gasps], here you are! I found you! You're not dead! And your father--[gasps]! Your father! NEMO My father!? You know my father!? Where is he!? DORY [gasps] This way! He went this way! Quick! DORY Hey! Hey, hey! Hey! CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey, hey! DORY Hey! Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like him! NEMO But bigger! CRAB 2 Yeah, I saw 'im, bluey! But I'm not tellin' you where he went. And there's no way you're gonna make me! GULL Mine. CRAB Huh!? Aaaah! All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds! Aaaaah! GULLS Mine!Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! ====================================================================================== FISH Hey! Look out! MARLIN Sorry. Just trying to get home. NEMO Dad! Dad! MARLIN Nemo? NEMO Daddy! MARLIN Nemo? NEMO Dad! DORY Nemo's alive! MARLIN Dory? [gasps] Nemo! NEMO Daddy! 55 MARLIN Nemo! I'm coming, Nemo! NEMO Dad! MARLIN Nemo! NEMO Dad! MARLIN Oh, thank goodness! It's all right, son. It's gonna be okay. FISH Turn around! You're going the wrong way! Aaaaaaaaaaah! DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Look out! MARLIN Move! Move! FISH Aaaaaaaaaaaah! DORY Help! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! MARLIN Dory! NEMO Come on! DORY Heeeeeeeelp!!! Help! NEMO Dory! DORY Help! Get us out! Aaaaaaaah! MARLIN No, no, no! No! Dory! NEMO Dad! I know what to do! MARLIN Nemo! No! NEMO We have to tell all the fish to swim down together! MARLIN Get out of there, now! NEMO I know this will work! MARLIN No, I am not gonna lose you again! NEMO Dad, there's no time! It's the only way we can save Dory! I can do this! MARLIN You're right. I know you can. NEMO Lucky fin! MARLIN Now go! Hurry! 56 NEMO Tell all of the fish to swim down! MARLIN Well!? You heard my son! Come on! NEMO Dory! DORY [gasps] NEMO You have to tell everybody to.. MARLIN ..swim down together! Do you understand what I'm saying to you!? Swim down! DORY Everybody swim down! NEMO Come on! You have to swim down! DORY Swim down, okay? NEMO Swim.. MARLIN down! Swim down! Swim down! Swim down! MARLIN Don't give up! Keep swimming! Just keep swimming! NEMO It's working! FISH Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! MARLIN Just keep swimming! Keep swimming! NEMO Come on, dad! MARLIN You're doing great, son! NEMO That's my dad! MARLIN Come on! Let's get to the bottom! Keep swimming! DORY [singing] Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. MARLIN Almost there! Keep swimming! FISH Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Yay! MARLIN Oww! DORY Hey! MARLIN Dory! Where's Nemo!? DORY 57 [gasps] There! MARLIN Oh no. Nemo! MARLIN Nemo? Nemo? It's okay. Daddy's here, daddy's got you. NEMO [coughs] Daddy? MARLIN Oh, thank goodness. NEMO Dad...I don't hate you. MARLIN No, no, no. I'm so sorry, Nemo. MARLIN Hey, guess what? NEMO What? MARLIN Sea turtles? I met one! And he was a hundred and fifty years old. NEMO Hundred and fifty? MARLIN Yep. NEMO 'Cause Sandy Plankton said they only live to be a hundred. MARLIN Sandy Plankton? Do you think I would cross the entire ocean and not know as much as Sandy Plankton!? NEMO Ha ha ha ha! MARLIN He was a hundred and fifty! Not one hundred! Who is this Sandy Plankton who knows everything? ====================================================================================== MARLIN Time for school! Time for school! Get up! Let's go! Go! MARLIN I'm gonna win! NEMO No, you're not! I did it! Woohoo! Ha ha ha! MARLIN Oh! My own son beats me! MR. RAY Climb aboard, explorers! MARLIN So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says : 'with fronds like these, who needs anemones?'! BOB/TED/BILL Haaa-ha ha ha ha ha ha! MR. RAY Well, hello, Nemo! Who's this? NEMO Exchange student. 58 SQUIRT I'm from the EAC, dude! MR. RAY Sweet. NEMO/SQUIRT Totally. BOB But seriously, Marty, did you really do all the things you say you did? BRUCE Uh, pardon me. BOB/TED/BILL [gasps] BRUCE Hello. TED Ohh! BRUCE Don't be alarmed. ANCHOR Oh, we just wanna make sure that our newest member got home safe. DORY Thanks, guys. BRUCE Well, we'll see you next week. CHUM Keep up with the program, Dory. ANCHOR Remember: fish are friends.. DORY ..not food! Bye! MR. RAY Hold on! Here we go! Next up, knowledge! MARLIN Bye, son! Have fun! NEMO Bye, dad! Oh! Oh, Mr. Ray! Wait. I forgot something. NEMO Love you, dad. MARLIN I love you too, son. NEMO Uh, dad, you can let go now. MARLIN Sorry! Now go have an adventure! SQUIRT Goodbye! See you later, dudes! DORY Bye, Elmo! MARLIN Nemo. DORY 59 Nemo! Bye, Nemo! NEMO See you after school, Dory! Bye, dad! MARLIN Bye, son. ====================================================================================== DENTIST Barbara? BARBARA Uh-huh? DENTIST I don't understand it. Here this thing has a lifetime guarantee and it breaks! Had to clean the tank myself, take all the fish out, put 'em in bags and---where'd the fish go? GILL Come on, Peach! DEB Hurry! GILL You can do it! BLOAT Yeah, that's it! You can do it! GURGLE Just a little further! PEACH That's the shortest red light I've ever seen! BLOAT Come on, Peach! PEACH Oooh--aaaaah! ALL Yay! We did it! Ha ha ha ha ha! BLOAT Now what? ###################################################################################### # FINDING NEMO, and all related media, characters, and stories # # are copyright 2003 Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios. # # The transcript below contains parts of a screenplay written by Andrew Stanton, # # Bob Peterson and David Reynolds. This transcript is provided for fans' enjoyment # # and reference and does not intend copyright infringement. The entire content of # # this transcript is property of Andrew Stanton, Bob Peterson and David Reynolds, # # Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios. # # No claim is lain on the ownership of the words contained within this transcript # # on the part of BaD_BURN. # # # # GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. RETAIN THIS COMMENT BLOCK. # # # # The transcript is intended for teaching /educational purposes only. It falls under # # the U.S. Code 17/Sec. 107 - Limitations on exclusive rights: 'Fair Use'. # # Notwithstanding the provisions of sections 106 and 106A, the fair use of a # # copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or # # by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, # # comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), # # scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright. # ###################################################################################### 60 61 62
Fletch - by Phil Alden Robinson from a draft by Andrew Bergman. May 4, 1986 draft May 4, 1986 PRODUCERS:PETER DOUGLAS ALAN GREISMAN DIRECTOR:MICHAEL RITCHIE FLETCH Final Draft Screenplay by PHIL ALDEN ROBINSON From a Draft by ANDREW BERGMAN Based on the novel by GREGORY MC DONALD FLETCH FADE IN EXT.CALIFORNIA BEACH – DAY 1Seagulls squawk, and the waves pound, but we’re not talking about Malibu Colony, here. This is a fairly rundown beach area, catering to lower-echelon surfers, vagrants, and strung out druggies of all ages, several of whom stand or sit on their haunches by a dilapidated old hamburger stand. Over the stand is a faded sign: "FAT SAM’S HAMBURGERS". A simple but haunting electronic melody plays in the b.g. INT. "FAT SAM’S" – DAY 2Seated just inside the stand on a folding aluminum chair is a chubby man in his late thirties. He’s wearing a stained valor sweat suit and a cap. This is Fat Sam. He’s a dealer. Seated on the sand next to him is Fletch, a rangy man, early thirties, in jeans and a Magic Johnson T-shirt, nodding idly on a battered Casio music machine which he treats lovingly. This is the source of the title music. FLETCH So what do you figure? FAT SAM No idea. FLETCH No idea at all? FAT SAM Okay. Some idea. FLETCH Like when? FAT SAM Like tonight. FLETCH For sure? FAT SAM No, not for sure. When it comes, it comes. You gonna want some $hit? FLETCH I think I’d rather have drugs. CONTINUED FAT SAM (shakes head and smiles) Fletch… FLETCH Sorry. I find a little humor really brightens things up around here, don’t you? A young junkie with a black eye – Gummy – passes. GUMMY Hi Sam. Hi Fletch. FLETCH Hi Gummy. How’s the eye? GUMMY It’s okay. The cops did it. FLETCH I know. GUMMY They busted me last week. FLETCH They bust you every week. GUMMY I know. I got bad luck or something. Gummy exits. Fletch and Fat Sam watch him go. FLETCH That kid spends any more time in jail He’ll have to start paying rent. WIDER ANGLE THROUGH BINOCULARS Fat Sam and Fletch conclude their conversation. Fletch walks back among the drifters, the nervous, expectant junkies. He stops to talk to a young man propped up on his elbows on a towel. Creasy. 4 CREASY AND FLETCH FLETCH Maybe tonight? CREASY Whaddyamean 'maybe'? FLETCH That's what he said. CREASY (getting desperate) He doesn't know? How come he doesn't know? FLETCH I don't know how he doesn't know. He doesn't know. CREASY Sonofabitch. FLETCH Wonder who his supplier is. CREASY I have no idea. FLETCH I wasn't asking. CREASY He never leaves the beach, Fat Sam. Never leaves. Sits in that chair, he's outta junk. Then he suddenly gets up, he's got junk. So where does it come from? Through the sand? FLETCH I think that's highly unlikely, Creasy. CREASY (rolls over) I ought to get some sleep. FLETCH Creasy, how old are you? CREASY Nineteen. FLETCH (a touch of sadness) You're not taking real good care of yourself. 5 WIDER - BINOCULARS AGAIN ---Fletch takes his Casio and starts off the beach. The binocular angle follows ---him. A pelican crosses the water. The binoculars move off Fletch and ---follow the flight of the pelican as it swoops low over the ocean. 6 BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY ---Fletch emerges into view, walking towards camera, when a Man steps into the ---immediate f.g., the binoculars at his side large in frame. Fletch Stops. MAN Excuse me. I have something I'd like to discuss with you. FLETCH What? 7 REVERSE ---A trim man of approximately Fletch's age, wearing a perfectly tailored grey ---suit, is standing across from Fletch. This is Alan Stanwyk. STANWYK We can't talk about it here. 8 MASTER FLETCH Why not? STANWYK Because we can't. FLETCH Are you on a scavenger hunt of some kind? STANWYK I want you to come to my house. Then we'll talk. FLETCH I think you've got the wrong gal, fella. STANWYK I'll give you a thousand dollars cash just to come to my house and listen to the proposition. If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand, and your mouth shut. FLETCH Will this proposition entail my dressing up as Tina Turner? STANWYK (unsmiling, all business) It is nothing of a sexual nature I assure you. (Takes a thousand in cash from his pocket) One thousand, just to listen.I don't see how you could turn that down Mr... FLETCH Nugent. Ted Nugent. STANWYK (shakes his hand) Alan Stanwyk. FLETCH Charmed. 9 EXT. BERMAN STREET - BEVERLY HILLS - DAY ---A Jaguar XJ sedan goes up Berman Street, a dead end. Fletch's hand reaches out ---of the passenger window and empties sand out of a sneaker. 10 INT. JAGURE - DAY FLETCH I always liked this part of town. 11 EXT. BERMAN STREET - DAY ---The Jaguar continues on up Berman Street, stopping before massive iron gates ---marked PRIVATE PROPERTY -- NO TRESPASSING -- STANWYK. The gates open ---electronically. 12 EXT. STANWYK HOUSE - DAY ---The jaguar goes up the center of the drive toward a white-pillared mansion. The ---lawns and planting are spectacular. 13 INT. JAGUAR - DAY ---Fletch stares out the window. FLETCH What a coincidence. ---The car stops before the house. STANWYK What? 14 EXT. HOUSE - DAY ---as they get out of the car. FLETCH I came this close... (holds fingers slightly apart) ...to buying this place ---Stanwyk ignores Fletch and starts toward the house. Fletch follows. FLETCH Then I found out Hopalong Cassidy had shot himself in the game room. That just blew it for me. STANWYK Who? FLETCH Hopalong Cassidy. Killed himself here. Bow and arrow. Strange. ---Stanwyk stops before the front door, stares at Fletch STANWYK What are you, doped up or something? ---Fletch abruptly changes gears, stares at Stanwyk FLETCH I don't work for you yet, assface. Don't talk to me like that. STANWYK (after a beat) Come inside. 15 INT. HOUSE - DAY ---Stanwyk and Fletch enter. A Mexican Maid crosses. STANWYK Buenas dias. MAID Buenas dias. She disappeared. FLETCH I commend you on your Spanish. ---Stanwyk doesn't reply, keeps on walking. He opens a set of double doors to the ---left of the winding staircase, then stands to one side, indicating that Fletch ---should enter. 16 INT. LIBRARY - DAY ---Massive fireplace. Everything built in teak. Fletch enters, and Stanwyk closes ---the door behind them. FLETCH Ahh, the library. Masculine but sensitive. ---Stanwyk wordlessly goes behind the desk FLETCH Really, I love what you've done with the place. Must have cost you...hundreds. ---Stanwyk turns, looks out a pair of French doors behind his desk, then turns ---back. STANWYK Here's my proposition, Mr. Fletcher. FLETCH I'm all ears. STANWYK I want you to murder me. 17 thru OMITTED 19 20 FLETCH ---Even garrulous Fletch is stopped in his tracks by this remark, uttered in the ---most business-like manner. 21 STANWYK STANWYK Here. On Thursday. I'd like you to shoot me dead. 22 FLETCH ---He just stares, barely breathing. 23 STANWYK STANWYK The reason I ask you to do me this service is that I am facing a long, painful, and most certain death. You see, I have bone cancer. I don't know if you know anything about bone cancer. 24 FLETCH ---He shakes his head. 25 STANWYK STANWYK It doesn't get any worse than that. Just eats you up, bit by bit. FLETCH ---Finally regains the gift of speech. FLETCH You don't look sick, Mr. Stanwyk. 27 MASTER STANWYK I don't feel sick. Not yet. They tell me it'll start getting bad in about a month. After that... well, I'd rather not be around for it. FLETCH Why don't you try suicide? STANWYK My company has taken out a very large insurance policy on me. And I have a wife. Suicide would nullify my insurance. Murder does not. FLETCH So why pick me? STANWYK You're a drifter, a -- pardon the expression -- beach bum. No one would notice if you disappeared. I've watched you for a couple weeks. FLETCH Maybe I'm just on vacation. STANWYK Not with the scum you hang out with. I've watched. I've thought. Its a perfect scheme. I even have a perfect escape plan for you. FLETCH Did it ever occur to you that I might not want to kill you? STANWYK I've got fifty thousand dollars says you will. 28 FLETCH ---He chews his lip. 29 STANWYK STANWYK Fifty thousand and a guarantee you won't get caught. ---Stanwyk searches Fletch's face carefully for a reaction. After several beats.... FLETCH I'm still here. STANWYK (turns and goes to the French doors) I want it done Thursday evening, around eight PM. My wife will be off to the club for a committee meeting. It's the staff's night off. (pushes doors open) These will be open. 30 FLETCH FLETCH Wouldn't they normally be locked? 31 MASTER STANWYK Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The staff usually forgets. FLETCH I have the same problem with my help. STANWYK (goes on, unresponsive) I will be here in the room, waiting for you. The safe will be open and there will be fifty thousand dollars in it. You will be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves? FLETCH I rent them. Monthly lease, with an option to buy. STANWYK In this drawer.... ---He opens the top drawer of his desk 32 INSIDE THE DRAWER ---an enormous .357 Magnum. 33 MASTER ---Stanwyk holds up the gun. 34 FLETCH FLETCH A .357. 35 MASTER STANWYK Very good. My .357. Use it and no one can trace it to you. The room will be in some disarray. FLETCH So it looks like a burglary attempt. You catch me. I get the gun, and shoot you. STANWYK Precisely. Are you a good shot? FLETCH (looking at the huge gun) What's the difference? The noise'll kill you first. STANWYK Get me on the first shot, if you can. FLETCH I don't think you'll have to worry about that. ---A beat. Stanwyk stares at Fletch. STANWYK Do you have a passport? FLETCH Sure, all drifters do. STANWYK Fine. After you kill me, take the Jaguar. The keys will be in the glove compartment. FLETCH Take it where? ---Stanwyk starts to write down the information on a note pad. STANWYK LAX. Go to the Pan Am desk. There will be a ticket waiting for you. FLETCH Where am I going? STANWYK (hands Fletch the note) Rio. Flight 306. Departs at eleven PM. FLETCH They serve dinner on the flight? STANWYK It'll be a first class-ticket. I'm sure you'll enjoy the ride. I would recommend staying down there at least a year, Mr. Fletcher. FLETCH You've certainly thought this out, haven't you? STANWYK I am not someone who leaves a great deal to chance, Mr. Fletcher. FLETCH You sure those doors will be open? STANWYK Yes. All you provide are the gloves, the passport, and the aim. I'll take care of everything else. FLETCH The gun, the money, the tickets, and the dying. STANWYK That's right. FLETCH You sure got the hard part. STANWYK What do you say, Mr. Fletcher? You'll be doing me and my family a great service. 36 FLETCH ---thinking it over. 37 STANWYK STANWYK Will you kill me? 38 FLETCH FLETCH Sure. 39 INT. NEWSPAPER BUILDING - DAY Fletch pushes through the double glass doors, still dresses in a beach mufti -- the jeans and Magic Johnson shirt, Puma sneakers. 40 INT. L.A. NEWS OFFICE - DAY Fletch is greeted ad-lib by several people as he walks through the cavernous newspaper City Room. REPORTER Whoa, check out the beach boy! SECOND REPORTER Looking very good, Fletch. FLETCH Thank you so much (to someone else) Hey, Larry! Larry, the young "morgue" researcher, hurries over and walks with Fletch. She is fun and flirty, and her feelings for Fletch fall just short of idolatry. LARRY Yo! FLETCH Can I steal you for a minute? LARRY Only if you promise not to return me. FLETCH Deal. LARRY (pointing to Fletch's T-shirt) 'Magic' today, huh? FLETCH Kareem's in the wash. I need a favor. LARRY Shoot. FLETCH Don't say shoot, okay. They pass the office of the city editor Frank Walker, fiftyish. Hold on Walker's office. Upon noticing Fletch, he jumps from his seat, edges his way past the two reporters in his office and runs outside. WALKER Fletch. Fletch! 40-A FLETCH AND LARRY They continue their walk. FLETCH Did you hear something? LARRY Not me. FLETCH Me neither. See what we've got on a guy named Alan Stanwyk, okay? I need it right away. WALKER (running up to them) Fletch, I take it by your presence here that the story is done. Tell me I'm right. Fletch hold up a hand. FLETCH W-Y-K no 'c.' I'll be down in a minute. LARRY No problem, boss. Larry peels off and Fletch now talks to Walker without breaking stride for his office. WALKER Fletch. FLETCH Frank, you look a little peaked. Wanna vomit? WALKER No, I want an answer, Is the story done? FLETCH Uh, almost. WALKER 'Uh, almost' is not an answer. 'Yes Frank, it's all done': that's an answer. FLETCH (as he enters his cubicle) And a damn fine one, I might add. 41 INT. FLETCH'S CUBICLE - DAY A pile of mail is on his desk. On the walls are a team portrait of the Lakers, plus a couple of blow-ups of his column. Fletch writes under the name of Jane Doe. An unused word processor is on his desk, but the keyboard has been moved aside to make room for an old, much-used Royal typewriter. He bounces some waste paper off the monitor into a strategically placed waste can. (A lot of crumpled papers lie on the floor all around the can.) FLETCH Two.... WALKER Irwin.... FLETCH Oh, I hate it when he calls me that. WALKER Irwin, professional journalism time, now. Go back to the goddamn beach and finish the goddamn story! FLETCH I will, Frank, I will. Something came up, okay? WALKER No it's not okay. You have to have this in by tomorrow. Did you see the ad we ran Sunday? FLETCH I never read the paper. WALKER ...never reads the paper... Walker goes through a pile of unread newspapers on Fletch's desk, finds the Sunday paper. FLETCH What's the spread on the game tonight? WALKER I don't know. (holds up paper) Look! FLETCH Looks great. 42 INSERT - AD A full-page ad. NEXT WEEK A "JANE DOE" SPECIAL REPORT: DRUGS ON OUR BEACHES - SHAME OF THE CITY 43 MASTER FLETCH 'Shame of Our City' is so good. WALKER Now, Irwin, try to follow me. You can't run the ad and then not run the story. FLETCH Why not? Oh $hit...really? Walker just stares at him. FLETCH Just kidding, Frank. You'll have the story and you'll be damn proud of it. WALKER You broke it? You know the source? FLETCH Practically. 44 WALKER ready to kill. WALKER What's 'practically'? Is it Fat Sam? You said you had pictures of him.... 45 MASTER FLETCH I have pictures of him. Dealing.... WALKER So let's go! We run the pictures. FLETCH He's not the story! There's a source behind him. WALKER Who? FLETCH Well, there we're in a gray area. WALKER How gray? FLETCH I'd say charcoal. WALKER (straining for control) I'm going to bite out your eyeballs, you know that? FLETCH Frank, you animal, I love it. I'll have the story by Thursday night, I swear to God. (to himself as he exits) I hope. INSERT - NEWSPAPER CLIPPING ALAN STANWYK NEW V/P BOYD AVIATION A photograph of Stanwyk; a head shot. Hands turn the clipping paper. Next clipping: a social page spread on the wedding of Alan Stanwyk. ("GAIL BOYD WED TO ALAN STANWYK.") LARRY (V.O.) Everything's recent. 47 FLETCH AND LARRY Fletch and Larry examine the file. FLETCH 'Mr. Stanwyk, of Provo, Utah, is a former commercial pilot.' LARRY Married Boyd Aviation. He's no dummy, that's serious coin. 48 INSERT - CLIPPING - TIGHTER ANGLE FLETCH (V.O.) 'Stanwyk's parents, Marvin and Velma Stanwyk, also of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding.' 49 FLETCH AND LARRY LARRY (affected accent) Not our kind of people, you understand. FLETCH (points to his back) Spot right here. She scratches. FLETCH Thanks. LARRY You doing a story on this guy? FLETCH Maybe. He pours over some more clippings, then stops at one. 50 INSERT CLIPPING headlined: "CANCER SOCIETY BENEFIT". A photograph of Alan and Gail Stanwyk, with a gray haired man and his wife. FLETCH (V.O.) '...Stanwyk, blahblahblah, with internist Doctor Joseph Dolen. 51 FLETCH AND LARRY FLETCH I wonder if that's his doctor. LARRY Only one way to find out. 52 INT. DOCTOR'S EXAMINING ROOM - DAY Fletch, stripped to the waist. is being examined by Dr. Joseph Dolen, a rather imperious physician. DR. DOLEN So where do you know Alan from? FLETCH We play tennis at the club. DR. DOLEN Really. The California Racquet Club? FLETCH Yes. DR. DOLEN That's my club too. I haven't seen you there. FLETCH Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains. DR. DOLEN Right, and how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber? FLETCH That's Babar. DR. DOLEN Two bs? FLETCH One. B-a-b-a-r. DR. DOLEN That's two. FLETCH But not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant. DR. DOLEN Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar? FLETCH I don't know. I don't have any. DR. DOLEN No children? FLETCH No books. No elephants either. No really good elephant books. DR. DOLEN (eyes Fletch curiously) Still, it'd an odd name. I don't remember seeing it on the club registry. Fletch's eyes drift to Dolen's side table with its unnerving assortment of medical paraphernalia. FLETCH Oh, I don't belong formally. I've gone with my aunt. DR. DOLEN Your aunt? FLETCH Mrs. Smith. DR. DOLEN Joan or Margaret Smith. FLETCH Right. DR. DOLEN Well, which one? FLETCH Margaret. DR. DOLEN Funny old bird. FLETCH Is she ever. I've got some stories.... DR. DOLEN I'll bet. Shame about Ed. FLETCH (vamping) It was. Really a shame. To go so suddenly. DR. DOLEN Oh, he was dying for years. FLETCH Sure, but the end was so sudden. DR. DOLEN He was in intensive care for eight weeks. FLETCH Yes, but the very end, when he actually died, that was extremely sudden. (quickly) You know, Alan and I were recently speaking of dying. Told me Boyd Aviation took out a lot of insurance on him. You must have to be in some kind of perfect health to get that kind of policy. DR. DOLEN Bend over and drop your pants, Mr. Babar. FLETCH Oh really, there's no need to -- we don't want to do that.... DR. DOLEN Just relax.... FLETCH Honest, I feel fine. You better be married. Fletch looks alarmed as Dolan pushes him into position. Dolan puts on a plastic glove. 53 CLOSE - FLETCH FLETCH Did I say 'kidneys'? I meant my ear. Maybe I should see an ear dahhh -- (as Dolan starts to probe from behind) Ever serve time? DR. DOLEN Breathe easy.... FLETCH Anyway, I'm surprised Alan got the policy so easily. I know there's a history of cancer in the family. DR. DOLEN (noncommittally) There is? FLETCH Whoa, look out there. You really need the whole fist? DR. DOLEN Just relax. FLETCH (reacts to a poke) Gee, Alan's been looking kind of sick lately. Is he all right? DR. DOLEN I can't discuss another patient. You know that. (rising into frame and washing up) Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. FLETCH I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking. Maybe I should get a real complete physical. You give Alan an annual, don't you? DR. DOLEN Yeah, we check you into Mt. Hebron for a few days, run lots of tests, charge a bundle. You can pull your pants up now. FLETCH I hope they still fit. Do I get to keep the glove? DR. DOLEN Tell the nurse when you've got a few free days. She'll make all the arrangements. FLETCH Thanks, Doc. Maybe I'll come back with a date. Or an elephant. 54 INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION AREA - DAY Fletch is dressed in shorts, a clean shirt, and is carrying a doctor's bag. He is wearing a stethoscope around his neck , has a beeper on, a lot of pencils and other doctor gadgets. He's standing at the directory 55 DIRECTORY Combing it with his eyes, he sees the directory: PATHOLOGY - THIRD FLOOR B. ROSENSTIEN, M.D. H. ROSENBLATT, M.D. P. ROSENWOHL, M.D. Fletch goes to a door marked "Stairs." 56 INT. STAIRWELL - DAY Fletch abruptly empties his doctor's bag and puts on a long green gown, a cap and a face mask. He plugs the stethoscope in his ears, removes miscellaneous file folders filled with papers, closes the bag, and heads for Pathology. 57 INT PATHOLOGY DEPARTMENT - DAY It's at the end of a long hall, and adjacent to the Autopsy Room and the Pathology Records Room. Over his shoulder we can see into the autopsy room where a gowned doctor is happily performing an autopsy. RECORDS NURSE (to Fletch) Identification please. Fletch hastily fumbles through his wallet, deftly dropping and picking up the papers he has brought with him. FLETCH It's me doctor Rosenpenis. I just have to take another peek at Alan Stanwyk's file. What have they done with this place? RECORDS NURSE (confused at all his activity) Nothing. They're still there. FLETCH Right. Fine. Still dropping and picking up, shuffling and collating, Fletch starts toward the Files Room, when the doctor performing the autopsy yells at him. PATHOLOGIST Hey you! Fletch stiffens and turns around. PATHOLOGIST Give me a hand for a second would you doctor? Fletch hesitates. PATHOLOGIST Come on, come on. Reluctantly, he goes to the autopsy table, and the cadaver thereon, which is covered by a sheet, except for the mid-section. 58 TWO SHOT - FLETCH AND PATHOLOGIST (Note: from here on we never see the body.) PATHOLOGIST (poking around) Have you ever see a spleen this large? FLETCH (trying not to look) Not recently. PATHOLOGIST Grab this, will you? FLETCH Uh, I'm not really prepared. My hands aren't sterilized. PATHOLOGIST You're not going to make this guy any sicker. We hear a squishing noise as he grabs something large and wet and plops it into Fletch's hand. Fletch stands there holding something icky out of frame, looking uncomfortably up at the ceiling, the floor, anywhere but at the cadaver or at the stuff in his hand. Meanwhile, we hear sounds of further incisions, and the deflating of an organ. PATHOLOGIST You never really get used to the smell, do you? Fletch's eyes roll up, and he falls to the floor in a dead faint. 59 INT. RECORDS ROOM - DAY - MINUTES LATER Fletch is on a couch, beginning to regain consciousness. The Records Nurse hovers over him. RECORDS NURSE Are you all right, Doctor? FLETCH Where am I? RECORDS NURSE You're in the Records Room. FLETCH I'm fine. RECORDS NURSE Can I get you something? FLETCH Have you got a make-shift plywood pillory? Heh Heh, just kidding. RECORDS NURSE Doctor Holmes went to get you some smelling salts. He was quite surprised that you fainted. FLETCH Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I thought the dead man was my brother. RECORDS NURSE Oh my God! FLETCH It's all right. It wasn't him but that spleen was a splitting image. He sits up and sees that just outside the glass is none other that Dr. Joseph Dolen, talking with the pathologist. FLETCH Oh, God, I think I'm about to hyperventilate. Have you got a paper bag, or something. RECORDS NURSE Yes, right away. She goes to get the paper bag, and Fletch turns his back on Dr. Dolen to go through the file cabinet. By the time the Nurse returns, he's got Stanwyk's file. RECORDS NURSE Here you are, Doctor. FLETCH Thank you. He puts the bag over his mouth and breathes deeply as he continues the conversation with her. (From time to time, we see Dr. Dolen in the b.g. looking over, but does not come into the records room or question what's happening). RECORDS NURSE Is there anything particular you're looking for? FLETCH My associates did a biopsy on this man recently. (thumbs through file) He's supposed to have a melanoma, or a carcinoma, some kind of noma. Hmmm. I can't seem to find any record of it. RECORDS NURSE (taking the file) Well, if he had one, it would certainly be in here. (searches) Wait. Here it is. Yep. Surgical removal of two moles. Tissue was benign. FLETCH That's it? RECORDS NURSE (shows him the file) That's it. FLETCH (reading it) This was last month. So Alan Stanwyk does not have cancer. RECORDS NURSE I guess not. FLETCH (very puzzled) He'll be so relieved. 60 EXT. SANTA MONICA STREET - LATE AFTERNOON Fletch pulls up in front of his building, a 1970's cinderblock apartment complex. Fletch parks his car halfway up the curb, gets out and spots a Mercedes coupe. He starts running toward the rear of his building. 61 EXT. REAR OF THE BUILDING - DAY Fletch starts climbing up the fire escape of his building. 62 FIRE ESCAPE - DAY Fletch reaches the second floor. He's huffing and puffing. FLETCH Christ. 63 REVERSE Attorney Charles Gillett is waiting for him on the second floor fire escape. Gillett smiles. GILLETT Refusal to pay alimony is a jailable offense, Fletch. 64 MASTER FLETCH What about breaking and entering? (points to Gillett's coat) Are you wearing anything under that? GILLETT I did not break nor enter. I simply chose an advisable location to await my client's delinquent husband. FLETCH I hate to conduct business on the lanai. Why don't we step inside. Fletch takes out a credit card and jimmies open the lock on the window. 65 INT. FLETCH'S APARTMENT - DAY Fletch climbs in through the window, followed by Gillett. His small apartment is just barely furnished. A low basketball hoop is attached to the wall. Fletch takes a ball, offers it to Gillett. FLETCH One on one? Gillett shakes his head. Fletch does a reverse shot and misses, sending a plastic globe lamb crashing to the floor. FLETCH And the foul. Fletch takes a second, successful shot. GILLETT You owe Wendy nine hundred and eighteen dollars. FLETCH (still playing b-ball) She doesn't need the money, for crissakes. She's living with Monty. I know it. GILLETT I don't know what you're referring to. Wendy maintains her own residence. FLETCH It stinks. I thought woman were independent now. GILLETT Until she remarries, Fletch. FLETCH Hey, shut up, okay? I just hate this. GILLETT I empathize with your plight, Fletch. However, you threw her out. FLETCH She was sleeping with everybody. The cable TV guy. You can't get lower than that.... GILLETT You should have proved that in a court of law. FLETCH My lawyer was a bum. GILLETT (smiles) I agree. Fletch puts down the basketball, picks up a stack of mail and rifles through it. FLETCH I think he was sleeping with Wendy, too. GILLETT You may be right. FLETCH Are you serious? GILLETT (shrugs) That's history, Fletch. You owe us nine hundred and eighteen dollars. FLETCH Wait a minute! Our problems might be solved. Fletch holds up an envelope with Ed McMahon's picture on it. FLETCH (continuing) I think I just won a million dollars! He opens it and looks inside, feigning disappointment. FLETCH (continuing) Damn...lost again. Sorry. GILLETT This is no joke. If some kind of payment isn't made, we're going to have to contact the paper and garnish your wages. Fletch sighs, takes out the envelope given to him by Stanwyk. He hands a thousand dollars to Gillett. GILLETT Cash. I'm impressed. FLETCH Found it in a cab. That's a grand. Apply the difference to next month. GILLETT Till then. Gillett smiles and exits. 66 KITCHEN - DAY Fletch opens the fridge. Inside are tow six-packs of Coors, a jar of Miracle Whip, a half a cucumber, and a brown head of lettuce. Fletch takes a beer and slams the door shut with such force that we hear breakage inside. 67 MASTER - APARTMENT - DAY In a foul mood, Fletch leaves the kitchen, and wanders into the living room. It has the personality of an Abbey Rents. He picks up the TV remote control. The television clicks on. Chick Hearn is with Jabbar, during a Laker pregame warmup. FLETCH Thank God. Fletch settles back. 68 TELEVISION Hearn is gushing over Jabbar. 69 FLETCH He watches contemplatively. He is bone tired. 70 TELIVISION HEARN How about Fletch? JABBAR Well, Fletch has been great. He's super-strong, really clogs the middle for us, boxes out, gets the bounds.... 71 FLETCH He smiles and nods, deep in fantasy. 72 TELEVISION HEARN Now here's a key play in Tuesday night's game.... Hearn and Jabbar look down at a television monitor. 73 FLETCH He's half asleep. JABBAR (V.O.) Here I am dishing off to Fletch.... Fletch raises an eyebrow. 74 TELEVISION There's Fletch, his hair in an Afro, dressed in Laker gold. He's on the receiving end of a Jabbar pass, making an easy layup. HEARN (V.O.) Gosh, he makes it look so easy! 75 FLETCH asleep, smiling. 77 PRICATICE COURT - DAY Gail Stanwyk is on the other side of the net, loading tennis balls into the automatic serve machine. She is in her late twenties and quite attractive., but in a much more natural way than other women we see here. She is good natured and effervescent. Fletch steps up to the entrance of the court. FLETCH Gail Stanwyk! She looks up. He enters the court with great delight. FLETCH (continuing) I haven't seen you since the wedding, Jeez, you look great. MRS. STANWYK (genuinely pleased) I do? Oh, isn't that sweet, thank you. I have to confess something to you. I must have been pretty plowed at your wedding. I really don't have the faintest idea who you are. FLETCH Huh? No, not my wedding. Yours. MRS. STANWYK Oh, mine! Thank God. (furrows her brow) Actually, that doesn't make it any better, does it? Are you a friend of Alan's? FLETCH We used to fly together. I'm...John. MRS. STANWYK (snaps her fingers in happy recognition) John! You used to fly together! Her smile segues right into an "I'm sorry, bit I give up" expression. MRS. STANWYK John who? FLETCH John Ultrarelamensky. MRS. STANWYK (bursts out in laughter) Oh, I'm sorry. It's a beautiful name, really. FLETCH It's Scotch-Rumanian. MRS. STANWYK (still loading tennis balls) That's a strange combination. FLETCH So were my parents. MRS. STANWYK Mind if I keep practicing? I need to work on my ground stroke a little. FLETCH Please. As Mrs. Stanwyk crosses to the other side of the net, a waiter approaches Fletch. WAITER Excuse me sir. Are you a guest of the club? FLETCH Yes, I'm with the Underhills. WAITER They just left, sir. FLETCH They'll be back. He had to go in for a urinalysis. WAITER Would you care for a drink while you're waiting? I can put it on the Underhill bill. FLETCH Great. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich. WAITER Very good sir. The Waiter leaves, and Fletch watches as Mrs. Stanwyk tries to return the serving machine's serves. She swings so goofily that she can't even get the racket on the ball. She has clearly never taken a lesson in her life, and it is doubtful if she will ever make contact with a tennis ball in this century. MRS. STANWYK Damn, I thought I had that one. FLETCH You should play with much larger tennis balls. So how's Alan? MRS. STANWYK What are you asking me for? He's so busy lately I hardly see him. And he's been so preoccupied. FLETCH Preoccupied with what? MRS. STANWYK Oh, personal stuff. Look! I hit one! Indeed, she has. Strait up. She and Fletch crane their necks upward to follow it's flight. FLETCH Good. Lobs are a very important part of the game. She completely misses the next one. FLETCH Why do you keep doing this? MRS STANWYK I love the outfits. The next one she hits with the handle. FLETCH Try stepping into the ball with your left foot. He demonstrates a swing. She puts on a determined face, makes an awkward step and swings at the next ball, missing it completely, and letting the racket fly. FLETCH There, much better. Mrs. Stanwyk laughs happily and dodges the machine-served balls to walk over to Fletch. When she's almost up to him, she turns back to the serving machine and points a finger at it, as if addressing a pet dog. MRS STANWYK Stay! (to Fletch) I must be having an off day. I'm really a fabulous player. FLETCH I have this effect on lots of women. MRS STANWYK I bet you do. FLETCH Say, the reason I asked about Alan is that I bumped into him this morning and you know what I can't figure out? MRS STANWYK (catching him in his lie) Alan's in Utah. FLETCH (after a beat) I can't figure out why I went to Utah for the morning. MRS STANWYK Okay. I'm delighted to have someone to talk to, and you're very cute, so I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married so you may as well forget -- You are trying to hit on me, aren't you? FLETCH (thinks, then nods) I'm such a heel. How'd you guess? MRS STANWYK If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman. FLETCH You are a rich woman. MRS STANWYK See what I mean? She trots back to her ball machine. Fletch calls after her. FLETCH What's he doing in Utah? MRS STANWYK None of your business, now go away. You're throwing my game off. Fletch chuckles -- he likes this woman -- and exits. 78 BOYD AVIATION - DAY - ESTABLISHING A sprawling, Hughes-like complex. FLETCH (O.S.) ...then who walks in but George Bush. He took one look around the room... 79 INT. JOHN BOYD'S OFFICE - DAY A Secretary is serving coffee to Fletch (now dressed in a three piece suit) and John Boyd, Gail Stanwyk's father. At seventy, he is probably Chairman Emeritus now; no longer running the day-to-day operations of the company, and thus somewhat grateful from the company. FLETCH (continuing) ...and said 'Sorry Mr. President, I thought it was Saturday.' Boyd Laughs. FLETCH I thought I was going to die. SECRETARY Sugar, Mr. Poon? FLETCH Thank you. Fletch notices a framed wedding photograph on the credenza behind Boyd. It is of Alan and Gail Stanwyk, Alan beaming a $hit-eating grin and holding a happy thumbs-up. Fletch waits as the Secretary leaves the room, then begins speaking confidentially. FLETCH Okay. He opens his attache case, allowing Boyd to see an airline ticket, a Washington Post, and a file stenciled "Confidential/S.E.C. Use only." FLETCH First of all, let me just reiterate that this is not a formal investigation. I'm not going through formal channels here, because if Alan Stanwyk is not involved in any improprieties, then nobody has to know I was even --- BOYD Alan Stanwyk is not involved in improprieties. Where the hell does the S.E.C. come off --- Fletch is nodding sympathetically and holds up a quieting hand. Boyd stops in mid-tirade, and watches as Fletch reaches into his briefcase and seemingly turns off a tape recorder. FLETCH Look. You know that and I know that, but somebody's bucking for a promotion. I think it's that bozo, Hanrahan, I can't be sure. Anyway, unless I go back there with something, you and your son-in-law are next week's scapegoats. BOYD Unbelievable. FLETCH I feel like dirt. They even want to know what he's doing in Utah? BOYD Utah? (laughs) Jesus Christ! First of all, Alan Stanwyk does not own one share of stock.The three million dollars for the ranch in Provo comes from my daughter who converted some of her personal holdings, not company holdings. Now if anybody in DC wants to make something of that, bring 'em on. Until then, get the hell out of my face. FLETCH (stands and closes briefcase) God I admire you. BOYD By the way: what kind of name is Poon? FLETCH Comanche Indian. 80 ALAN STANWYK'S OFFICE - DAY Fletch breezes in, right up to the Secretary, whose nameplate reads MADELINE TURNER. FLETCH (rapidly) Oh, Margie, sorry, Frieda lost the number of Alan's realtor in Provo. Can you give it to me real quick? MARGIE Jim Swarthout? FLETCH Yeah. She writes it out for him. MARGIE And, I'm sorry, who are you again? FLETCH (grabbing the paper) Frieda's boss. MARGIE (calling after him) Who's Frieda? FLETCH (out the door) My secretary. 81 EXT. BEACH - DAY Pan across the beach.... FLETCH (O.S.) Larry, it's me.... Fletch is in a phone booth on the sidewalk next to the beach, keeping an eye on "Fat Sam's." FLETCH See if you've got anything in Stanwyk's background from when he lived in Utah. Also check on a realtor in Provo named Swarthout. And tell Frank I'm crazy about him and I'd like to discuss his maybe moving in with me. We hear police sirens. Fletch looks O.S. FLETCH Later. He hangs up. 82 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - FOUR SQUAD CARS have pulled up to the beach, lights flashing. The druggies are dispersing. Creasy is running towards Fletch. CREASY Fletch! Take off! 83 FLETCH He steps out onto the beach, and starts towards the cops. 84 MASTER CREASY What are you doing? 85 MASTER Everyone is scattering. The cops run past everyone, and approach Gummey. 86 FLETCH AND CREASY FLETCH They're after Gummy again. It's weird. Fletch keeps moving toward the police. CREASY (out of breath) Fletch, slow down. 87 GUMMY AND THE COPS Gummy trips and falls in the sand. A Cop kicks him in the head. COP #1 Let's go, Gummy. 88 FLETCH AND CREASY still running toward the cops. FLETCH Hey, what are you doing? CREASY Fletch, this is dumb. FLETCH You don't have to run with me, Crease. 89 MASTER The cops drag Gummy toward a squad car. 90 ANGLE - "FAT SAM'S" Fat Sam peers out, watching the action. 91 MASTER Fletch approaches the cops. FLETCH Why are you beating up on that kid? No responce from the cops. FLETCH He's defenseless, and you kick the crap out of him. What do you want from --- One of the cops turns and, in one smooth motion, kicks Fletch in the balls. Fletch sinks to the ground. 92 SQUAD CAR Gummy is packed into the squad car. 93 FLETCH He rises slowly from the sand. He is in great pain. He starts after the cops again. 94 CREASY CREASY Fletch! 95 MASTER FLETCH What goddamn right do you have to take him? The cop car starts off. Fletch picks up a rock, hurls it at the cop car. It smashes the rear window. 96 CREASY CREASY Fletch!!! 97 MASTER The cop cars go off. Fletch bends over. He's hurting. Creasy comes over to him. CREASY Hey you're really nuts. FLETCH (breathless) They didn't do anything. CREASY What? What are you talking about? FLETCH I busted their window, they didn't do anything. CREASY You're lucky. FLETCH Not luck. They don't want me. 98 POLICE CARS In a caravan, they head down the highway. 99 FLETCH He turns and looks towards "Fat Sam's." 100 "FAT SAM'S" Fat Sam watches the police cars go down the road, then turns and looks towards the ocean. He pulls his Angels cap down over his head. 101 CLOSE - FLETCH He is focusing on something, but has not figured it out yet. FLETCH Gummy and two cops.... 102 and OMITTED 103 104 INT. FRANK WALKER'S OFFICE - DAY FLETCH Cool your tool, Frank, I need a little more time. I think I'm really on to something here. WALKER Your onto something. That's good. What? FLETCH I really don't want to spoil your surprise, Frank. Why don't you read it tomorrow? Larry, knocks on the door. WALKER What do you want? Larry points to Fletch. WALKER Speak, don't point! LARRY I need Fletch for a second. FLETCH She needs me, Frank. Fletch turns to Larry. Push to two shot. LARRY Nothing on Gail Stanwyk, nothing on Jim Swarthout. But I did --- FLETCH That's okay, Lar. I gotta put this on the back burner for a while. Larry starts to exit. WALKER Just give me a hint, all right? FLETCH All right. Maybe there are some crooked cops involved in all this. LARRY (stopping in the doorway) Did you say cops? FLETCH Yeah. LARRY That's one thing I did find. It's from Last month, so it was in the unsorted pile. She hands Fletch a clipping. 105 INSERT - CLIPPING It is an article and photograph of the newly-appointed citizens on the Police Advisory Board. One of them is Alan Stanwyk. WALKER What's that? 106 MASTER Fletch pockets the photo. FLETCH (puzzled) More cops. (then) I think I gotta go to Utah, Frank. WALKER Utah? FLETCH Yeah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. I'm sure you've seen pictures. WALKER What about finding the source? FLETCH I have some ideas. WALKER Who? Donnie and Marie? FLETCH Very possibly. Come on, say yes. I'll buy you a shirt. WALKER Go to transportation, get a ticket. LARRY (to Fletch as he exits) My hero. FLETCH Nothing to it. 107 EXT. PROVO, UTAH - AIRPORT -DAY A Western Airlines flight arrives. 107-A EXT. HIGHWAY - DUSK Fletch's rented Fairmont speeds down the highway. 107-B INT. FAIRMONT - FLETCH wearing a polyester brown suit -- fiddles with the radio. Snatches of programs are heard: "easy listening" music; country-and-western; a revival show; a call in show -- "Hi, you're on the air." "Hello, Bob, I'd like to discuss the death penalty. As you know, Jesus was in favor of it --" Fletch whistles and switches the radio off. He turns the car off the interstate. 108 EXT. TRAVELODGE - LATE AFTERNOON - ESTABLISHING SHOT as Fletch drives up. 109 INT. TRAVELODGE MOTEL ROOM Fletch dials the phone in the small, sparsely furnished room. FLETCH Hi, Jim Swarthout, please. Oh, hello, my name is Igor Stravinski and I'm looking for some ranch property. 110 INT. SWARTHOUT REALTY Jim Swarthout is a rugged-looking man in his forties. He sits in the den/office of his house talking on the phone, surrounded by pine-paneling, property tract maps and wall-mounted animal heads. SWARTHOUT Good, Mr. Starinski, what'd you have in mind? (pause) Uh huh. Oh are you a friend of Alan's? 111 INT. FLETCH'S MOTEL ROOM FLETCH No, I just heard some people at the club talking about the property you sold him, and the way it was described, three million sounded like a pretty good price. (pause) What? Fletch pauses again to listen, flummoxed over what he has just heard. FLETCH Are you sure? (pause) Of course. I guess I was misinformed. Listen, I'd love to come out and see you anyway. When are you available? 112 INT. SWARTHOUT REALTY SWARTHOUT Well, I'm about to close up shop and go out for the evening. How about first thing in the AM? (pause) Great. See you tomorrow. 113 INT. FLETCH'S MOTEL ROOM FLETCH Tomorrow. Fletch hangs up, very interested. 114 OMITTED 115 EXT. SWARTHOUT REALTY - NIGHT Fletch stops his car in front of the ranch-style house. A lighted sign in the yard indicate that this is indeed Swarthout Realty, but the house is dark; no one appears to be home. Somewhere in the yard a dog barks viciously, frantically. 116 DOG A killer Doberman is tied up behind a chain link fence. At the sight of the intruding Fletch, the dog's lip is practically over his nose, his fangs are poised and gleaming. 117 FLETCH FLETCH (getting out of his car) What's your name fella? Fluff? Pom-pom? 118 DOG completely bananas. 119 FLETCH Fletch reaches the front door and looks around. He rings the bell. The dog yowls even louder. Fletch waits. And waits. He rings again. Satisfied that no one is home, he tries the front door. Of course, it is locked. He takes out a credit card, starts to jimmy the lock, and actually seems to be making progress when his credit card snaps in half. FLETCH Sht. He pockets the broken credit card, steps back and looks over the house for another possible point of entry. 120 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW Double-hung. Slightly warped, so that the upper half does not exactly true with the lower half. 121 FLETCH looks around to see how to climb up to it. 122 MASTER There's only one way. Climb up the side of the chain link fence which separates him from the murderous dog. Fletch approaches it warily. The dog is practically foaming. Fletch reaches out a hand to get a hold of the fence, and the dog just about rips the fence apart. FLETCH (in his best Barbara Woodhouse) Sit-tuh! This has no effect, so Fletch backs up a few yards, take a deep breath for courage and makes a headlong running start for the fence, using his momentum to get to the top before the dog eats him. He grabs hold and scrambles wildly for the top. He makes it. FLETCH Roll over. Play dead. Good boy. Fletch now grabs hold of the eave on the side of the house, and very carefully pulls himself onto it. It's only about ten feet from there to the vulnerable window, but the angle of the eave is rather steep, and the going is treacherous. As he makes his way, he keeps a wary eye on the dog who keeps leaping up, seemingly getting closer and closer to taking a giant bite out of Fletch's backside. FLETCH You any relation to Doctor Dolan? Now he's at the window. He tries to open it, but despite it's warped appearance from the ground, it is locked. Fletch looks at the lock and can't believe it. He sighs. He shakes his head. He smashes the window with his elbow. FLETCH I hate this. He climbs into the darkened house, leaving the enraged dog to run furiously around the fenced in yard that surrounds the house. 123 INT SWARTHOUT'S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS - NIGHT Fletch tiptoes though the upstairs bedroom and down the stairs. From outside, he can still hear the dog snarling and barking. 124 INT. SWARTHOUT'S HOUSE - DOWNSTAIRS - NIGHT As Fletch passes through the living room he sees the dog snarling at him through the living room window. 125 INT. SWARTHOUT'S DEN - NIGHT Fletch enters and looks around. The dog is now outside the den window. FLETCH Make sure nobody comes in, okay? He goes to the file cabinet and opens it. He flips through the "S" section. "Stanwyk". He pulls it. He thumbs through various documents until he finds what he's looking for. A copy of a deed. He pulls it out. 125-A INSERT - DEED - CLOSE ON THE PURCHASE PRICE Three Thousand Dollars. FLETCH (O.S.) So much for your three million dollar ranch. 126 FLETCH takes out a tiny document camera -- the kind spies use in the movies -- and loads it fumblingly. Then he props the deed up on top of the file cabinet, and moves a lamp into position to light it. Just as he snaps his first shot, we hear a terrible crashing sound. 127 WINDOW The murderous Doberman has made a crashing leap right through the den window, sending glass flying everywhere, and he streaks across the room to rip Fletch into bite-sized shreds. 128 MASTER Fletch bolts and the dog flies into the file cabinet, knocking it over, scattering all the files over the floor. Fletch dashes for the nearest door, and runs through it just as the dog slams into it. 129 INT. KITCHEN Fletch is now holed up in the kitchen, panting to catch his breath, feeling the full course of adrenaline pumping through his terrified veins. He sees that he can get to his car by climbing through the window. But in order to get to the window he has to let go of the door, and that would allow the dog to get in. Looking around frantically, holding the door shut against the furious slamming of the dog, he reaches for and finally grabs a mop which he props under the door knob, thus keeping the door shut. Letting go of the door gingerly, he satisfies himself that the dog cannot get in, and he makes his break for the window. He vaults up onto the counter top and is just about to break the window when he sees that the dog's continued efforts are about to result in opening the door. Fletch knows he has only seconds. Standing on top of the counter, he opens the door of the restaurant-sized refrigerator next to him, and just as the snarling dog bursts into the room Fletch starts hurling food at it. A pot roast, sliced turkey with stuffing, a couple of filet mignons. The dog is momentarily distracted. Fletch pours a large bucket of cranberry sauce on the dog. FLETCH Suck on this Cujo! Then he dumps an equally large bucket of mashed potatoes. With the dog temporarily vision-impaired, Fletch bolts. 130 EXT. SWARTHOUT HOUSE - NIGHT Fletch runs as fast as humanly possible towards his car, fishing for his keys as he goes. The dog -- having shaken off the people-food from his hateful face -- is seconds behind and closing. Fletch makes it to his car, hops inside, and slams the door just as the dog leaps furiously at the windshield. 131 INT. FLETCH'S CAR Fletch makes it to his car, huffing and puffing. The dog jumps across the closed window, snarling and bug-eyed with hatred. Fletch smiles, waves at the dog, and starts taking its picture with his little camera. FLETCH Gimme a smile! There you go...oh, that's a nice one... (starting the car) Everything's fine, now...go take a little nap.... Fletch is ready to pull out, but the dog is still leaping madly at the window. Fletch points back to the house. FLETCH Look! Defenseless babies! The dog turns to look and Fletch guns it. FLETCH That dog is such an Ahole. 132 EXT. FLETCH'S APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY Fletch parks his car halfway up on the curb, steps out carrying a small overnight bag. He is unshaven and looks beat. 133 INT. APARTMENT HOUSE - CORRIDOR Fletch comes down the hall signing "Billie Jean" is an excruciating falsetto. FLETCH 'Bil-lie, Bil-lie...' He opens the door to his apartment and is immediately thrown to the ground. 134 INT. APARTMENT Fletch is spread-eagled on the floor. Two huge Cops are over him, one holding a gun to his head, the other going through his clothes. COP #1 (feeling the inseam of Fletch's trousers) Oh, what's this? FLETCH If I took that out, you guys couldn't fit in here. COP #1 Funny boy. Look at this.... He produces a heroin bag. COP#2 Looks like heroin, Gene. FLETCH You just planted that. Cop #1 kicks Fletch in the ribs. COP#2 What'd you say? FLETCH Read me my rights. COP #1 Okay. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to be kicked in the face by me. You have the rights to have your balls stomped. You have the --- FLETCH Hold it! I'll waive my rights. 135 EXT. PRECINT HOUSE Fletch is lead into the precinct house. 136 INT. PRECINT HOUSE The Sergeant at the desk checks Fletch out. SERGEANT Who we booking here, gentlemen? COP #1 No booking. Chief wants a talk with the boy. SERGEANT Oh Yeah? (smiles at Fletch) You'll like the Chief. Nice man. FLETCH I hear he's mellowed a lot since he came out of the closet. SERGEANT I find he gets real mellow after he hits somebody a lot. 137 DOOR TO CHIEF'S OFFICE - CHIEF'S OFFICE The cops open the door, pull Fletch inside. Chief Cummings, looking like a modern executive, looks up from his paperwork. COP #1 Here he is Chief. They roughly throw Fletch into a chair. The Chief -- seemingly oblivious to this brutality -- smiles sincerely. CUMMINGS Easy fellas. (To Fletch friendly) Be with you in just a second. The two Cops leave. As Chief Cummings continues with his paperwork Fletch looks around the office, which is decorated tastefully -- no guns on the wall, no American flags. On one wall there is a Matisse, and on another, various photos of the Chief with local celebrities. FLETCH You decorate this yourself or did Mrs. Chief of Police help you? CUMMINGS (laughs) You should have seen what she wanted to do with the place. Mauve. (shakes his head and pushes his papers aside) So what's your name? FLETCH Fletch. CUMMINGS Full name. FLETCH Fletch F. Fletch CUMMINGS (skeptical but patient) I see. And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch? FLETCH I'm President of the International Fletch Corporation. Cummings just stares at Fletch. CUMMINGS Why are you doing this Mr. Fletch? FLETCH Frankly sir, you look a little like my father. Probaly explains the curious feeling of love I have for you. CUMMINGS For a gentleman who was just found holding a bag full of heroin.... FLETCH It was planted on me, sir. CUMMINGS We're looking at five years, maybe ten. Is that what you want...Jane Doe? He suddenly kicks Fletch's chair out from under him. Fletch falls to the floor. CUMMINGS Your editor called me yesterday to respond to allegations you're about to print about police involvement in narcotics dealing. Fletch starts to get up, but Cummings plants his foot on Fletch's chest, forces him back down. CUMMINGS I'm about to break that beach wide open, and I don't need some pennyante Woodward and Bernstein getting in the way of my men. FLETCH 'Your men' might just be involved in all this. CUMMINGS You idiot. Off the record, deep background: I've got that beach crawling with undercover cops. Cummings picks Fletch up, and holds him by the lapels. CUMMINGS If you keep nosing around, you make the bad guys just a little bit more cautious. That makes my job harder. And if you print your story this week, you might get some of my men killed. I can't let that happen, Mr. Fletch. He throws Fletch against the wall of celebrity photos, some of which fall to the floor. CUMMINGS You go back to that goddamn beach, I swear to God I'll make you regret it. FLETCH (picks up a picture) Hey, you and Tommy Lasorda. That's great. Fletch takes the picture and hurls it across the room. It smashes into the opposite wall and shatters. FLETCH I don't like Tommy Lasorda. 138 and OMITTED 139 140 JAIL CORRIDOR Fletch is tossed into an empty cell by the two Cops who brought him in. Cummings watches. The two Cops leave, and we see that all the cells in this corridor are empty. FLETCH You can't keep me here. CUMMINGS Maybe I'm not going to keep you here. (takes out a gun) Maybe I'm gonna blow your brains out. FLETCH I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights. The Chief takes a knife out of his pocket, holding it with a handkerchief. CUMMINGS After I shoot you, I stick the knife in my arm, then place it in your dead hand. Self-defense. We don't do this very much anymore...but we have. Got rid of a lot of minorities that way. FLETCH My God, you're serious. CUMMINGS Ask anybody. FLETCH Can I ask anybody now? Cummings looks down the corridor. Deserted. FLETCH Can I call my Mom? I'd like to tell here how much I've always loved her. CUMMINGS (cocks the gun) What'll it be Fletch? Fletch looks in Cummings' eyes. They are steely and cold. He is quite serious. FLETCH I hate the beach. Wouldn't go there if you paid me. Besides, I'm way overdue on my story about off-track betting in the Himalayas. You don't think it's the mafia, do you? CUMMINGS (opening the cell) Its been very nice meeting you. I enjoy your column. Fletch walks out of the cell. Cummings walks with him through the empty corridor to the exit. CUMMINGS (very chummy) Speaking of which, you're not going to print anything before my investigation is through, are you? FLETCH Not a prayer. CUMMINGS That a boy. The emerge into the main hallway of the police station, which is filled with officers and civilians. Cummings makes a show of cordially shaking Fletch's hand as if they were old friends. CUMMINGS Thanks for coming down to see us. FLETCH Not at all, Chief. But next time...no tongue, okay? Exit Fletch. 141 thru OMITTED 147 148 INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE Fletch is railing at Frank Walker. FLETCH How could you call him? WALKER It's called journalism, Fletch. It's called getting both sides of the story. Something you apparently don't know anything about. FLETCH It's also called getting me this close to being murdered. WALKER Get out of here. FLETCH He threw me in a cell, took a gun and a knife and threatened to kill me right there if I didn't promise to give up the story. WALKER You know, I've had it up to here with your bullsht. I need a story from you by tomorrow. FLETCH You'll have it. WALKER But not unsubstantiated charges about dope-dealing cops, and not horse sht paranoid fantasies about homicidal police chiefs. FLETCH (exiting) Thanks for the vote of confidence, Frank. WALKER (calling after him) I want something I can print! FLETCH (giving him the finger) Print this Frank. Exit Fletch. 149 thru OMITTED 152 153 EXT. RAQUET CLUB Fletch again appears in his tennis whites and walks familiarly toward the patio. Rich people are having lunch. Fletch stops the waiter. FLETCH Hi, where's Mrs. Stanwyk? WAITER In her cabana, sir. FLETCH Oh, that's right. She told me to meet her there. That's cabana six? WAITER Cabana one. FLETCH One. WAITER Would you be caring for something to eat or drink, sir? FLETCH I would, actually. WAITER Charged to the Underhills, sir? FLETCH Right. Tell you what -- have you caviar? WAITER Yes, sir. Beluga. But it is eighty dollars the portion. FLETCH (whistles) I'd better only get two. How about the lobster thermidor? WAITER I recommend it. FLETCH Fine. And a couple of bottles of Dom Perignon. To cabana one. WAITER Very good, sir. The waiter leaves. Fletch looks around, takes a deep breath. FLETCH This is just the nicest place. 154 OMITTED and 155 156 EXT. CABANA ONE A little Spanish bungalow-type affair. Old California money-style elegance. Fletch rings the bell. MRS. STANWYK (V.O.) Who is it? FLETCH It's John. John... (forgets name) Znhcneelsky. MRS. STANWYK John Ultramalensky? She opens the door, clad only in a towel. A towel is wrapped around her head. She seems surprised, but not displeased, to see Fletch. She also seems a little at a loss for words. FLETCH Hi. MRS. STANWYK (finally) Hi. FLETCH I was hoping you'd say that. They have just shaken hands, and Fletch notices his hand is now sopping wet. MRS. STANWYK Uh...I'm just out of the shower. FLETCH Can I borrow your towel for a minute? She laughs a nervous little laugh. There is a bit of sexual tension here. MRS. STANWYK I'm sorry, I'm just surprised to see you. I didn't think...What do you want? FLETCH I ordered lunch. MRS. STANWYK You ordered it here? FLETCH Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be. MRS. STANWYK Down boy. With a nervous glance in both directions, she lets him in and closes the door behind them. 157 INT. CABANA They stand there for a few seconds looking at each other. MRS. STANWYK I really should change. FLETCH No, I think you should stay the same wonderful person you are today. MRS. STANWYK I mean put clothes on. FLETCH Here, take mine. He starts to take off his shirt. She is amused, and responds playfully, but firmly. MRS. STANWYK Stop that! He does. MRS. STANWYK Have you gotten cuter since I last saw you? FLETCH Yes. She stands there, looking around, trying to act as if her heartbeat weren't speeding up. SFX: Knock at door. FLETCH Lunch.... MRS. STANWYK God.... She goes sprinting into the bathroom. FLETCH Come on in. The door opens. A second Waiter, Mexican, solemnly wheels in a cart bearing the goodies ordered by Fletch. The twin bottle of Dom Perignon juts from a silver ice bucket. WAITER You want I set up? FLETCH No thanks, I'll do it. Give yourself twenty dollars. Underhill. WAITER Muchas gracias. FLETCH Sierra del fuego. The waiter bows, leaves, shuts the door. Mrs. Stanwyk scampers back in, gazes at the cart as Fletch takes a bottle of Dom Perignon and pops the cork. MRS. STANWYK All this goes on Underhill's bill? FLETCH (offering her a glass) I saved his life during the war. MRS. STANWYK You were in the war? FLETCH No. He was. I got him out. She laughs and sighs, knowing she's getting into something she probaly shouldn't. MRS. STANWYK I can't believe I'm doing this. Well, lets eat. She tucks a napkin in her towel like a bib and sits at the table. 158 EXT. RAQUET CLUB - DAY The Underhills have just been handed the bill run up by Fletch. MR. UNDERHILL Four hundred bucks for lunch??? WAITER Your guest, sir. MR. UNDERHILL We have no guest here today. (reading the bill) Two bottles of Dom Perignon, hundred bucks a pop. Jesus H. Christ! Where is he? WAITER I believe he's with Mrs. Stanwyk. MRS. UNDERHILL Gail Stanwyk. Tom, if he's with Gail Stanwyk --- MR. UNDERHILL I don't care who he's with! This is criminal. MRS. UNDERHILL Tom.... MR. UNDERHILL She's where, cabana one? WAITER Yes sir. Mr Underhill stalks off. 159 INT. CABANA - DAY Fletch and Mrs. Stanwyk are having lunch. Fletch sings while he opens the champagne. She is looking at his back which is turned to her. FLETCH 'I've been so many places in my life and times. I've sung a lot of songs, I've made some bad rhymes....' MRS. STANWYK It's amazing. FLETCH 'I've acted out my life on stages, with ten thousand people watching....' MRS. STANWYK Your bone structure, shoulders, neck.... FLETCH 'But we're alone now, and I'm singing this song for you.' MRS. STANWYK Just like Alan. It's freaky. FLETCH Can I ask you a question? MRS. STANWYK Depends on the question. FLETCH Are you still in love with Alan? MRS. STANWYK No. (quickly) I mean, 'no you can't ask me that.' I mean, ask me something else. FLETCH Why'd you let me in? MRS. STANWYK Because I'm bored. Oh, that sounds terrible, doesn't it. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I also let you in because I'm hungry. FLETCH Thanks, I feel much better. Listen, if you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan? MRS. STANWYK Utah is not exactly a cure for boredom. FLETCH Good point. MRS. STANWYK Oh, listen to me. I've never even been there and look what I say about it. Anyway, I know there'd be nothing for me to do. I don't even know anybody there. FLETCH What about his parents? MRS. STANWYK He never sees them and I never met them. FLETCH How come? SFX: Insistent knock at door. Fletch and Mrs. Stanwyk freeze. MRS. STANWYK Yes? MR. UNDERHILL (V.O.) Mrs. Stanwyk, I hate to disturb you. Tom Underhill here...I'm a new member. Fletch rises. FLETCH Thanks for the great time. MRS. STANWYK (sotto voice) What is this? FLETCH Long story. MR. UNDERHILL (V.O.) Apparently, someone of your acquaintance has charged the most extraordinary lunch to my bill. MRS. STANWYK (hissing) John! Fletch starts pushing the lunch table towards the bathroom. MRS. STANWYK You don't know the Underhills? MR. UNDERHILL (V.O.) I'd appreciate an opportunity to discuss this with you. MRS. STANWYK I just stepped out of the shower! Can you give me a minute? MR. UNDERHILL (V.O.) Of course. Mrs. Stanwyk follows Fletch into the bathroom. 160 INT BATHROOM Fletch jams the cart into the bathroom. FLETCH Take one end. Mrs. Stanwyk lifts one side of the cart. They lift it and put it up into the bathtub. There's a window in the bathroom. Fletch opens it. FLETCH I'll be leaving now, Mrs. Stanwyk. MRS. STANWYK I think you should call me Gail, now. FLETCH Gail. I hope this won't embarrass you in any way. I think Underhill's a yutz, you won't have any trouble with him. MRS. STANWYK Why did you do it? Fletch shrugs, smiles. MRS. STANWYK A four hundred dollar lunch tab! FLETCH Yeah. MRS. STANWYK I'll cover it. You have any other surprises? FLETCH (after a beat) Yeah. My name's not John Ultramalensky and I wasn't at your wedding. She stares at him. MRS. STANWYK Who. FLETCH Irwin Fletcher. I write a newspaper column under the name Jane Doe. A long beat. MRS. STANWYK So? FLETCH So, your husband hired me to kill him. That's the truth. MRS. STANWYK What are you talking about? FLETCH That's what I want to know. 161 EXT. CABANA Mr. Underhill knocks again. MR. UNDERHILL Mrs. Stanwyk! 162 INT. BATHROOM MRS. STANWYK In a minute! FLETCH He told me he was dying of cancer. Not True. That ranch you thought you were paying for in Utah? Not true. MRS. STANWYK How do you know about that? FLETCH He's a bad guy, Mrs. Stanwyk. Gail. I think he's involved in something very big and very bad. MRS. STANWYK What does all this mean? FLETCH Have you ever heard the name Jim Swarthout? MRS. STANWYK Swarthout. Yes. He's the man who sold us the ranch in --- FLETCH Wrong. He sold you $3,000 worth of scrub brush. MRS. STANWYK But I've seen the deed. FLETCH You saw a forgery. He takes out his photographs. FLETCH That's the real deed. 162-A INSERT - PHOTO OF DEED It's is so fuzzy, shaky, and poorly framed that there's no way we can read the price on it. FLETCH (O.S.) Now, if this were at all legible, you'd believe me. 162-B MASTER Fletch shows her more of the photos. FLETCH Here's this dog that tried to eat me. Here's my motel. Here's the car I rented.... MRS. STANWYK Stop it. (angry and concerned) Are you saying my husband is defrauding me? FLETCH I don't know. All I know is that he told me a lot of things and so far not one of them has been true. Mrs. Stanwyk stares at Fletch. She gets a little teary. FLETCH I'm really sorry I have to tell you all this. MR. UNDERHILL (O.S.) Mrs. Stanwyk? MRS. STANWYK (really screams) Just wait, all right?!? (to Fletch) I'm going to call my father. He'll know what --- Fletch stops her. FLETCH No. You can't. Look, I know you don't know me from Adam, but you've got to trust me. MRS. STANWYK Trust you? I may seem a little goofy at times, but I'm not a complete Bozo, you know. FLETCH Just give me twenty-four hours. Please. Someone almost killed me today. People are not being nice lately, and I don't want you getting hurt. I think you're terrific. Are you a Laker fan? Gail is now teary, confused, and scared. MRS. STANWYK No...I've got to go to Mr. Underhill.... FLETCH I'll take you to a game. MRS. STANWYK What are you talking about? FLETCH I'm talking about how much I'd like to take you to a Laker game. MRS. STANWYK Wait a second. What am I supposed to do for twenty-four hours? FLETCH (climbing out window) Act natural. MRS. STANWYK I was afraid you'd say that. FLETCH If you need me, call the paper. Hand me that extra bottle okay? 163 EXT. CABANA Gail opens the door where Mr. Underhill has been waiting. MRS. STANWYK Sorry. Here. (grabs the bill from his hand) Thanks. Bye. She closes the door in his face. 164 OMITTED 165 EXT. BOYD AVIATION - PARKING LOT Alan Stanwyk crosses the parking lot and gets into his Jaguar. He starts the engine, backs out of his reserved space, and pulls out of the lot. 166 ANOTHER ANGLE - PARKING LOT Fletch is reading a copy of Sports Illustrated. He puts it down, starts his car, and pulls out of the lot. 167 SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD Stanwyk's Jaguar tools down Santa Monica Boulevard. Fletch's car follows, several discreet car lengths behind. 168 INT. JAGUAR Stanwyk checks his watch, and makes a turn. 169 MASTER Stanwyk has pulled into a service station. He gets out of his car and opens the trunk. 170 FLETCH He pulls into a fast-food joint on the west side of the street. He opens the Sports Illustrated and peers over it. 171 STANWYK He takes a gas can from the trunk, goes to the pump, fills it, and pays the attendant in cash. 172 FLETCH Curious. 173 STANWYK He puts the gas can back in the trunk, gets into the car, and starts off. 174 FLETCH follows suit. 175 SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD We are getting into the increasingly rundown section of Santa Monica. The Jaguar turns off. Hold: Several beats later, Fletch turns off. 176 OVERPASS A freeway overpass. Stanwyk stops his car. 177 FLETCH'S CAR He pulls off behind a liquor store, in view of the overpass. Fletch waits. 178 OVERPASS A second car pulls up behind Stanwyk's. A cop steps out and says something to Stanwyk. Stanwyk gets out of his car and walks over to the unmarked police car, and gets in. 178-A FLETCH takes out his binoculars. 178-B FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW Because he's looking through the reflection of sunlight on the back window of the unmarked police car, Fletch's point of view is fuzzy, but we can just make out the form of someone else in animated conversation with Stanwyk. 178-C FLETCH A moment of possible recognition. He focuses intently. 178-D FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - THE OTHER MAN IN THE CAR with Stanwyk...is Police Chief Cummings. 179 FLETCH FLETCH Jesus. He starts up his car and backs out. DISSOLVE TO 180 EXT. FLETCH'S APARTMENT HOUSE Fletch pulls up to his house and stops the car. 181 INT. CAR Fletch looks around. 182 EXT. HOUSE Fletch doesn't leave the car. 183 INT. CAR Fletch sits put, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He just has a feeling. He starts the car up, and pulls out. 184 EXT. HOUSE Two cop cars, concealed in driveways, scream out, heading after Fletch's car. 185 INT. FLETCH'S CAR Fletch sees them in the rearview and stomps on the gas. FLETCH Should've known. Goddamn it. 186 EXT. STREETS Fletch floors it. FLETCH Great. First I'll get a speeding ticket, then they'll shoot me. Terrific. Fletch cuts through the parking lot of a drug store/dry cleaning complex. The cop cars follow suit. Shopping wagons are tossed about. He turns a corner and realizes he has a few seconds before they're on top of him again. He screeches up next to a teenager in a sports car. FLETCH All right, fella, smog check. Move over. Before the guy can say "who?", Fletch is in the guy's driver seat and tears out, hell bent for leather. 187 ENTRANCE TO FREEWAY Fletch peels off onto the Santa Monica Freeway. 188 FREEWAY Fletch hits about ninety. So do the cops. Now a motorcycle cop joins the chase. 189 OMITTED 189-A INT. SPORTS CAR TEENAGER Holy sht! FLETCH Sorry, youngster, but we have to see what kind of fluorocarbons this thing puts out at ninety-five. TEENAGER Holy sht! FLETCH Don't worry about the speed limit. That's what the police escort's for. 190 EXT. FREEWAY Indeed, behind them is a gaggle of speeding cop cars and motorcycles. TEENAGER (O.S.) Holy sht! Fletch cuts across two lanes of traffic and gets off the freeway. He loses the motorcycle cop who goes past the exit. The squad cars are thrown behind a bit, but still chase. 191 INT. SQUAD CAR COP #1 Sht! He'll kill us if we lose him. 191-A INT. SPORTS CAR The teenager is sweating bullets. TEENAGER Okay, okay, just stop, will you. I admit it. I stole it. I was just taking it for a little joy ride, that's all.... FLETCH Holy sht. 191-B EXT. CAR Fletch squeals around a corner, runs a light, and booms into the parking lot of a large Holiday Inn. He's a few seconds ahead of the cops. FLETCH Okay, kid. Just stand here with your hands on the car and wait for the cops. I gotta pee. Here, take my hat. Fletch pops his hat on the kid's head, and runs off. 192 EXT. HOLIDAY INN Fletch runs into the kitchen entrance of the Holiday Inn. 193 INT. HOLIDAY INN KITCHEN Fletch picks up a case of vegetables and walks through as if he belonged there. Moments later, two cops enter. 194 THE COPS can't see him because of the crate. 195 INT. HOLIDAY INN - BANQUET ROOM A testimonial dinner is in progress. A sign on the wall reads: TRB SYSTEMS SALUTES FRED DORFMAN 40 YEARS OF SERVICE Thirty tables of conservatively dressed, older men and women are enjoying lunch. Fletch enters from the kitchen followed by several waiters and busboys. He looks over his shoulder. 196 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - KITCHEN Two cops are in hot pursuit. 197 FLETCH moves into the middle of the tables as a florid fat Speaker at the dais drones on. SPEAKER ...and he can truly be called the Father of Internal Bushings. A round of applause which Fletch joins heartily, as he quickly sits in the audience at an empty seat at a table in the center. FLETCH (to his table) Hello. I'm with the hotel catering. Are you enjoying your meal? Carrots overcooked? Fletch looks to the kitchen entrance and sees two cops scanning the crowd. One signals to the opposite door. 198 DOOR Four more cops converge, looking for Fletch. Distant sirens indicate even more. 199 MASTER SPEAKER And now a man who needs no further introduction.... The police spot Fletch and start moving forward. Fletch stands up. A spotlight swings onto him. FLETCH Thank you, Tony, thank you. As a lifelong friend of.... (looks at banner) ...Fred Dorfman, I'm thrilled to be here. 200 DIAS Fred Dorfman turns to the people on either side of him and whispers, obviously wondering who the hell this guy is. 201 FLETCH The cops are hesitant to move in. They wait for Fletch to finish and get out of the light. FLETCH Many of you are probably not aware of Freddie's lifelong commitment to honoring a profession that frequently goes unsung -- the police. Many times Fred used to forsake a night with his wife and children to go out an sell tickets for the Policemen's Benevolent Association. 202 POLICE look at each other, sensing a trick, and start to move in. 203 FLETCH going for broke. FLETCH Our men in blue are with us today, and I think we should all extend a shake of the hand, a slap on the back and a 'howdy' to them. 204 POLICE moving faster, but impeded by the crowd which rises and follows Fletch's suggestion. 205 FLETCH out of the crowd, still encouraging the crowd. FLETCH When was the last time you hugged a cop? Do it for my good friend Tommy Lasorda. Doesn't it feel good? Don't you wish you'd done it long ago? one cop raises his gun towards Fletch, but the crowd is too close, too busy. Fletch shakes his hand and slugs him so hard on the back that he falls over into the crowd. FLETCH Let them know how we feel, with a song. For every cop on every beat in every city of this great nation. (singing) 'For he's a jolly good fellow....' (calls out) Everybody! (sings) 'For he's a jolly good fellow....' The crowd sings along the rest of the verse. Fletch looks back to the kitchen entrance at the police who are swallowed in a sea of congratulations and singing. Fletch takes his time strolling out of the kitchen. 206 INT. LAX - DAY Fletch is at the Pan Am counter, talking with a reservation Clerk. CLERK Yes sir, you are confirmed on Flight 306 to Rio tomorrow evening at 11 PM. First Class. FLETCH You're kidding. CLERK Would you like me to change anything? FLETCH (to himself) So he's going. Uh...are there any other tickets charged to the same account? CLERK We'd have no way of knowing that, sir. FLETCH Hmm. It's just that there are some other people from my office going on this trip and...is there anyone in the seat next to me? The clerk checks the computer. CLERK Yes, there is. Cavanaugh. Fletch shakes his head. He's never heard of him. FLETCH Never heard of him. Thanks anyway. CLERK You mean her. FLETCH What? CLERK Sally Ann Cavanaugh. Oh wait, she couldn't work in your office, she's not from around here. FLETCH Oh, thanks. Fletch walks off and we follow him. CLERK She's from Utah. 207 EXT. PROVO AIRPORT - DAY as Fletch emerges from the Rent-A-Car office and drives off. 208 EXT. PROVO STREET - DAY A lower-middle-class area, one that seems to be sliding fast -- the plans are scraggly, the houses need paint. Fletch's rental pulls up over the curb onto the sidewalk. Fletch gets out, checks a piece of paper, and goes up the steps to a dark-shingled two-story house. 209 TOP OF STEPS Fletch looks at the name over the doorbell. 210 CARD written in smeared ink: "CAVANAUGH". 211 FLETCH rings the doorbell. It sounds like a fire alarm in the quiet. Nobody answers. Fletch tries the door. It opens. Fletch hums the old "Dragnet" theme. 212 INT. HOUSE still humming the theme. FLETCH 'Bom-ba-bom-bom...bommmm.' Fletch enters. 213 FLETCH's POINT OF VIEW - LIVING ROOM The shelves are bare. Furniture is in place. 214 MASTER Fletch enters the kitchen, and opens the refrigerator. Inside is a can of coffee, and some vegetables. Fletch leaves the kitchen and heads for the bedroom. We follow him as he enters the bedroom. 215 INT. BEDROOM Fletch opens the closet. It's bare. He pulls open the drawers. Nothing. Fletch gets down and looks under the bed. VOICE Who the hell are you? In his surprise, Fletch bangs his head as he starts up. 216 REVERSE At the door stands a gruff-looking Man in a red and black hunter's jacket, overalls, and a hat with earflaps. He holds a rifle. MAN Get up. 217 MASTER Fletch gets up. FLETCH The door was unlocked. MAN Lock's busted. FLETCH No wonder. MAN I work for the landlord. He told me to watch out for the place. FLETCH I commend him on his choice. MAN What? FLETCH I commend him on his choice The Man stares at him, holding the gun. He's not the brightest guy in the world, and Fletch has already caught on to that. FLETCH I was supposed to meet Mrs. Cavanaugh. MAN Who are you? FLETCH Don Corleone. I'm a cousin of Mrs. Cavanaugh's. The Man just stares at Fletch. Fletch starts to move ever so slightly, testing his freedom of movement. FLETCH Where is she? MAN Moved out. FLETCH She moved out? The Man nods and cocks the weapon. Fletch stops his tentative movements and just looks around the room FLETCH I spoke to her last week. She didn't say anything. MAN She moved out. FLETCH So you're saying she moved out. MAN This morning. FLETCH This morning? Christ. We had so much to talk about. Moe Green is out of the Tropicana, and my sons, Michael and Fredo, are taking over. The Man continues to gaze unblinkingly at Fletch, holding the rifle. MAN What did you want under the bed? FLETCH Mattress police. There are no tags on the mattress. I'm going to have to take you downtown. Please give me your weapon. MAN I'm calling the cops. This is for the cops. FLETCH I'm her cousin. MAN Tell the cops. FLETCH Go ahead. Call them. Better tie your shoelaces first. The man looks down at his shoelaces. Fletch kicks the gun out of his hand and runs through the house. 218 EXT. HOUSE Fletch runs out of the house and jumps into his car. 219 INT. CAR Fletch pulls out. The rear window is suddenly blown away. FLETCH I'm getting real tired of all this hostility. 220 EXT. PROVO PIG FARM Fletch pulls up, gets out of the car and addresses the couple sitting on the porch of the house. FLETCH Evening. (nods toward car) They oughta recall these things. One bump,the whole window goes. 221 PORCH Sitting on the porch is a couple in their late sixties, whom we are about to learn are Alan Stanwyk's parents -- Marvin and Velma. FLETCH (approaching the steps) Are you Mr. Marvin Stanwyk? Marvin nods FLETCH I'm Harry S. Truman from Casewell Insurance Underwriters. MARVIN (smiles) Harry S. Truman? FLETCH My parents were great fans of the former President. MARVIN Isn't that nice. Good man. Showed the Japs a thing or two. FLETCH Sure did. Dropped the big one on them. MARVIN Dropped two big ones. Real fighter. You're in the insurance line, Harry? FLETCH Right. MARVIN Well, I'm fully covered. FLETCH I don't doubt it, Mr. Stanwyk. Actually, my company is the sub-insurer of the subsidiary carriers of a policy held by Alan Stanwyk, who I believe is your son. MARVIN Yes. Where you from, Harry? FLETCH California. San Berdoo. Utah's part of my route. Can I ask you a few questions? MARVIN Come on in. 222 INT. MARVIN AND VELMA'S LIVING ROOM Fletch and the Stanwyks face each other on couches that flank the fireplace. Fletch has a clipboard on which he will take notes. FLETCH First, a couple of routine things: are you and you wife currently alive? Marvin just stares at him. FLETCH Regulations, Mr. Stanwyk. And you and your wife, named.... MARVIN Velma. Velma smiles. FLETCH Velma. You and Velma are the parents of Alan Stanwyk, Beverly Hills, California, executive vice president of Boyd Aviation? MARVIN Check. FLETCH Okay. (makes notation) Now, the last time you saw your son was when? MARVIN Oh, about ten days ago. Fletch is taken aback. FLETCH Ten days ago? MARVIN That's right. Alan comes by every three weeks or so. This is all news to Fletch, but he covers his surprise. FLETCH Isn't that nice. Since when? MARVIN Since he moved to L.A. Fletch is very interested in all this. FLETCH Forgive me now for seeming personal, but we understand that there is a lady friend he sees here in Provo. MARVIN What the hell does this have to do with insurance? FLETCH Trust me, sir. It's a comprehensive policy. MARVIN Well, you can forget about that lady friend business, Alan's the most loyal husband a girl could have. He dotes on that bride of his. VELMA Cute young thing, too. FLETCH I'm sorry? VELMA His bride. Cute as a button. FLETCH You've met her? MARVIN Well, of course we have. He brings her with him. Fletch is getting very puzzled and very concerned about all this. FLETCH Has Alan ever mentioned the name Sally Ann Cavanaugh? Marvin and Velma exchange the oddest of glances between them. FLETCH Has he? MARVIN Boy, what the hell's the matter with you? FLETCH Then he has. MARVIN Course he has. That's his wife. You could knock Fletch over with a straw. Again, he quickly recovers. FLETCH Of course, his wife's name is Sally Ann Cavanaugh? VELMA Cute thing. FLETCH (starting to sweat a little) Do you happen to have a picture of Alan and his wife? VELMA Oh, we've got lots of pictures. Let me show you some. Velma rummages through a family album on a side table as Fletch tried to sort all this out in his mind. She brings a photo over to him. He looks at it. 223 INSERT - PHOTO It's a wedding photo of Alan and a woman we have not seen. She is brunette and quite unlike Gail. Alan wears a similar sht-eating grin, and makes a similar thumbs-up gesture to the wedding photo with Gail that Fletch saw in Boyd's office. 224 FLETCH He sighs. FLETCH And they're still married...Alan and Sally Ann. MARVIN Of course they are. VELMA She's cute as a button. FLETCH How long have they been married? MARVIN Lets see, it was before he moved to L.A...four years April. FLETCH Mrs. Stanwyk, may I borrow this picture. I promise to send it back to you. It's routine, really. The actuarial people need to --- VELMA Oh, that's all right, I've got lots more. Want to see the reception? FLETCH (rising) No, thank you. VELMA How about Marvin's sixty-fifth birthday party? Exit Fletch. 225 INT. PROVO MOTEL ROOM Fletch is on the phone. FLETCH Frank told you that? 226 INT. NEWSROOM - MORGUE Larry is on the phone. LARRY I overheard it. He thinks you're completely out of control, he said he was gonna can you as soon as he got the story. If I were you, I'd just chuck it, Fletch. Screw him. Let him eat three full pages on Sunday. 227 MOTEL ROOM FLETCH You kidding? I got an unbelievable story here, Lar. Un-believable. Jesus. It's the cops, I know it. The Chief! And they're all over Frank. 228 MORGUE LARRY I just thought...sure. (takes out pad and starts writing) Sally Ann Cavanaugh. 229 MOTEL ROOM FLETCH Check every hotel in L.A. Start with the ones near the airport. Yeah. He's about to leave the country with her. Thanks, Lar. 230 INT. MOTEL BATHROOM - LATER Fletch is in the shower, lipsynching to the radio. Elvis is singing, "All Shook Up." FLETCH 'welluh bless my soul whatsuh wrong with me? I'ma itchin' like a man Inuh fuzzy tree....' The phone rings. Fletch gets out, throws on a towel and picks up a phone mounted over the crapper. FLETCH Yeah...No kidding. The Marriott at LAX. Sonofabitch...Checked in this morning. Great. Thanks a million. And call Gail Stanwyk at the Racquet Club. Tell her I have to meet her tonight. Eight o'clock at the club. Urgent and confidential. Thanks. 231 INT. PLANE - NIGHT Fletch is sitting in a semi-deserted flight on his way back home. He is hunched over an airline meal, eating with his right hand and turning in his mini recorder with his left. FLETCH Question: But as he pushed the button down, the tape pops out. He fumbles it back in, and then pushes another button. FLETCH Question.... TAPE RECORDER (Fletch's voice playing back) Day three on the beach. Fat Sam still hasn't moved, and --- FLETCH (stopping the machine) What's wrong with my life? He starts it right this time. FLETCH Question: Why does a man marry a millionaire's daughter in Beverly Hills if he is already married to a girl who lives in a crappy one bedroom apartment in Utah? Answer: Three million dollars. Big Question: What's with Stanwyk and Cummings? I don't know. Bigger Question: Why does Stanwyk want me to kill him? He takes a spoonful of airline food, chewing meditatively. FLETCH (continuing) Biggest Question: Why do I eat this sht? (to passing stewardess) Miss, I believe this has already been eaten. 232 EXT. MRS. STANWYK'S CABANA - NIGHT Fletch knocks on the door, and a tensely white-faced Mrs. Stanwyk quickly lets him in and shuts the door behind him. MRS. STANWYK I want you to know that dramatic phone calls about secret meetings scare the sht out of me. He can sense she is unusually upset. FLETCH What's wrong, Gail? MRS. STANWYK I decided I was going to tell my husband about you today. FLETCH No. MRS. STANWYK But first I called the Hall of Records in Provo. They checked on the deed. You're telling the truth. A minute later Alan came in the room and asked me why I was shaking. Fletch waits anxiously to hear if she told Alan about him. MRS. STANWYK So I told him...I told him I was just cold or something. Fletch sighs with relief. MRS. STANWYK I've never lied to him before. (chokes back a sob) It's the first time he's ever lied to me. He was just as convincing as when he says 'I love you.' FLETCH I think you better sit down. MRS. STANWYK Oh God, I hate things that start like that.... FLETCH Gail, please. She sits in a chair. he hands her the wedding photo. FLETCH I got this from Alan's parents. By the way, they see him all the time. First she looks at Fletch with puzzlement. Then, she looks at the photo and can't seem to decide what to think of it. But she knows it's bad. MRS. STANWYK What is this.... FLETCH I checked. There was no divorce. MRS. STANWYK Are you telling me my husband is a bigamist??? FLETCH I'm telling you he's not your husband at all. She is stunned. FLETCH And they're leaving the country tomorrow night. MRS. STANWYK (rocked) Bastard. FLETCH I don't have all the pieces yet, but I'm close. I'll know tomorrow. MRS. STANWYK I'm calling the police. Right now. FLETCH You cant do that. MRS. STANWYK Don't tell me I can't --- FLETCH They're trying to kill me! She is taken aback by that, but there is a determination in her eyes. MRS. STANWYK Your twenty-four hours are up, Fletch. She starts for the phone, but he stops her. FLETCH You're going to have to trust me, Gail. You have to. Now listen to me: he's expecting you to go to your meeting tomorrow night. Do it. Stay out of the house. There is a long beat. MRS. STANWYK I'm terrified. FLETCH Come here. He puts his arms around her and holds her tight against him. After a few seconds she raises her head and turns the hug into a kiss. Then the kiss turns passionate. DISSOLVE TO 233 FRISBEE sails across the surf. 234 EXT. BEACH - DAY - WIDER The usual scene-- a mix of teeny-boppers, junkies and surfers. Into the f.g. step a couple of "surfers." They're wearing wet suits and carrying surfboards, but they're obviously cops. They sit down. Across the beach, a Sufi, dressed in a turban and flowing garments, crosses the sand. SURFER COP A Sufi junkie. The cops laugh derisively and turn their attention else-where. 235 CLOSER ON SUFI It's Fletch. he's got a beard pasted on, and nervously scans the beach. 236 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - GUMMY is seated on a towel. 237 MASTER Fletch sits near, but not next to, Gummy. FLETCH Gum? Gummy looks around. FLETCH I'm the Sufi. GUMMY Fletch? FLETCH Don't call me Fletch. Don't look at me. Lie back down. We'll talk. GUMMY What? FLETCH Cops are here. I can smell them. They're after me. Lie down, Gum. Gummy lies back down. GUMMY Why are they after you? FLETCH Because I'm a newspaper reporter and I'm nailing Chief Cummings as the source for drugs on the beach. You're in big trouble, Gummy. Gummy sits up. FLETCH Sit back down. Gummy lies down again. FLETCH Fat Sam is turning state's evidence. GUMMY What's that? FLETCH He wrote me a nice deposition. He says he just received the drugs. You did the selling. GUMMY I didn't sell nothing! I didn't sell nothing! I just carried the drugs from the Chief to Sam. FLETCH Sure you did. GUMMY Fletch, I never sold nothing. FLETCH Twenty years. Fletch gets up and adjusts his flowing robes. FLETCH Can't do a thing with this robe. One more question, Gum...don't look at me. Gummy lies back down. FLETCH Where does the Chief get the drugs? GUMMY I dunno. Somewhere in South America, I forget. FLETCH Rio de Janeiro, maybe? GUMMY Maybe, Fletch. Is that Brazil? FLETCH That's Brazil. GUMMY Yeah. Maybe. FLETCH Wait here for me, Gummy. Gummy looks questioningly at him. FLETCH It's the only way you'll be safe. Believe me. Fletch crosses the sand, heads for "Fat Sam's". 238 "FAT SAM'S" Sam is reading the National Review. He looks up, sees Fletch approaching, and grins. FAT SAM Jesus. FLETCH You don't know me. FAT SAM (smiling) My pleasure. FLETCH I'm serious, Sam. FAT SAM What, the heat here? FLETCH Affirmative. FAT SAM The two surfer boys? FLETCH Affirmative. FAT SAM Thought so. What for? FLETCH For me. I'm a reporter, Sam. I'm breaking the drug story and I got the chief red-handed. Gummy game me a deposition. FAT SAM (smiles) You gonna nail the chief? FLETCH I'm gonna nail the chief. And you can help or --- FAT SAM Oh, I'll help, Fletch. I'm a slave to that sonofabitch. He busted me, third offense, gave me a choice: Work for him or do fifteen long. All I get out of this is free snort. FLETCH You don't have a piece of the action? FAT SAM Noooo. Free snort. That's it. FLETCH (hands him a card) Wait five minutes, and go to my office. You'll get federal protection after that. FAT SAM Gonna need it. That boy is dangerous. Fletch? FLETCH What? FAT SAM You find the source? FLETCH Gum thought Brazil. FAT SAM Rio. Know how he gets it in the country? Some big shot airline executive flies it in on company jets. Very impressive operation, Fletch. Very impressive. 239 and OMITTED 240 241 INT. NEWSPAPER - CITY ROOM Fletch parades through the city room, still in his Sufi getup. He takes off the beard and heads for Frank Walker's office. Fat Sam and Gummy, looking like fish out of water, follow him. 242 WALKER'S OFFICE Fletch marches in with Sam and Gummy. Walker gawks at him. WALKER Fletch.... Fletch takes off the turban. FLETCH I'm quitting, Frank. As of midnight tonight. WALKER What? (stares at Fat Sam and Gummy) Who the hell are they? FLETCH This is Fat Sam, and this is Gummy. (hands two sheets of paper to Walker) WALKER What.... FLETCH Their statements, naming Chief Cummings as the numero uno drug pusher from here to Oxnard. I want them to have federal protection under the paper's sponsorship. Walker just stares at the sheets. WALKER Jesus H. Christ. (smiles) Fletch, this is the greatest. FAT SAM He's some reporter, this guy. FLETCH I'm out, Frank. You lost faith in me. WALKER Fletch, I got nervous. Please.... FLETCH Forget it. Fletch takes off his robe and drops it to the floor. Beneath the robes he's wearing cutoffs and a Bob McAdoo t-shirt. FLETCH I'm going to write the story. Just hold the last couple of paragraphs till ten o'clock tonight. Fletch leaves the office. FLETCH (to Fat Sam and Gummy) Make yourselves comfortable, guys, but don't leave the office. 243 CORRIDOR Fletch heads for his office. Walker follows. WALKER Fletch! Fletch doesn't answer. 244 FLETCH'S OFFICE Fletch enters the office and kicks his door closed. Walker opens it. WALKER Fletch, you want an apology? FLETCH You were going to can me, right? WALKER (fumbles) Not really. FLETCH Not really? WALKER I was upset. FLETCH I'm sick of this place. I'm going to try out for the Lakers. They need a power forward. WALKER Fletch. Fletch sits down and turns on his word processor, ignoring Walker. 245 EXT. STANWYK HOUSE - NIGHT Fletch parks his Olds halfway up on the sidewalk, and gets out. He climbs over the gates of the Stanwyk home, and drops down inside. He lands on the grass, trots around the shrubbery, heads toward the garage, and checks his watch. 246 WATCH It's five minutes before eight. 247 INT. STANWYK'S GARAGE The jaguar is parked just where it is supposed to be, and the key is in the ignition. Fletch thinks for a moment and looks around. He sees a pile of torn rags on the ground. He removes the key from the ignition and opens the trunk. 248 INT. TRUNK. Six large gasoline cans and more rags. 249 FLETCH Another piece of the puzzle fits in place. 250 EXT. HOUSE Fletch reaches the rear of the house. He peers inside. 251 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - STANWYK is in the library, sitting patiently at his desk. 252 FLETCH approaches the French doors and enters. 253 and OMITTED 254 255 INT. LIBRARY Alan rises from his desk to greet him. His hair is combed like Fletch's. We can see that beneath his sports jacket he is wearing a Magic Johnson t-shirt and jeans. MR. STANWYK Good evening. FLETCH I like your outfit. You got the fifty grand and the plane ticket? MR. STANWYK Of course. Stanwyk nods toward a small briefcase in the corner. Fletch eyes it quickly, and just as quickly looks back at Stanwyk who just stands there by his desk. MR. STANWYK Why don't you check it out for yourself, Mr. Nugent? FLETCH (smiles) Because I trust you, Alan. By the way, the name's Fletcher. I.M. Fletcher. I write a newspaper column under the name Jane Doe. MR. STANWYK What? Fletch holds out an envelope. FLETCH Read this, please. MR. STANWYK Wait a second --- FLETCH Cut the crap and read it. Stanwyk unfolds the paper. FLETCH (continuing) Unless my people hear differently, this letter goes out at midnight. 256 INSERT LETTER We see that it is addressed to: JOHN BOYD CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD BOYD AVIATION 257 STANWYK MR. STANYK (reading) 'Dear Sir: Alan Stanwyk murdered me tonight. The charred remains found by the police in the Jaguar are mine, not his. Mr. Stanwyk, using my name and passport, boarded Pan Am Flight 306 for Rio, where he intends to establish residence with ---' He stares at Fletch. 258 FLETCH He is lifting Stanwyk's two attaché cases. FLETCH Pretty hefty. Keep reading. 259 STANWYK MR. STANWYK (reading) '...with his legal wife, the former Sally Ann Cavanaugh.' Stanwyk stops. He's stunned, and not about to read anymore of this. GAIL'S VOICE (O.S.) Keep reading, Alan. Stanwyk spins to the doorway. 259-A GAIL STANWYK standing in the doorway. MRS. STANWYK Don't worry, I can take it. 260 MASTER FLETCH You shouldn't be here. MRS. STANWYK I want to hear this. Fletch takes the letter from Alan. FLETCH He doesn't read my stuff well. (reads) 'Sally Ann and Alan were married four years ago and never divorced, making Stanwyk a bigamist even in Utah. Stanwyk is also traveling with three million dollars in cash, the result of Gail Stanwyk's conversion of Boyd Aviation stock. Mrs. Stanwyk believed the money was to be used to purchase property in Utah, but it wasn't; a fact that can be confirmed by realtor James Swarthout of Provo.' (aside) That was stupid, Alan. MR. STANWYK I'd have been long gone. FLETCH Ahem. (continues reading) 'Sally Ann can confirm all this when the police pick her up at the Airport Marriott.' Mr. Stanwyk blanches. Fletch continues. FLETCH 'By the way, Alan is a very big drug smuggler, but you can read all about that in tomorrow's paper. Sincerely yours, I.M. Fletcher. P.S. Have a nice day.' Alan mulls over all this for a few seconds, then smiles wistfully. MR. STANWYK Bravo, Mr. Fletcher. FLETCH The thing that really tipped it off for me was something your wife said to me while we were in bed together. Stanwyk shoots a surprised look at Gail. She returns it with an innocent shrug. MR. STANWYK (to Fletch) And what was that? FLETCH How similar in build you and I are. then I figured it. You bump me off, throw me in the car, and burn me up. MRS. STANWYK My God, Alan, you really are and ahole, aren't you? Now it is Alan's turn to shrug innocently. MR. STANWYK Sorry, darling. MRS. STANWYK You sonofabitch. MR. STANWYK Yes, I suppose I am. But I'm not a stupid sonofabitch. Mr. Stanwyk reaches into his desk and pulls out his gun, and levels it at Fletch. MR. STANWYK I was already prepared to commit one murder. What makes you think I won't commit two? FLETCH Whoops. MRS. STANWYK (her bravado deflated) 'Whoops?' What do you mean 'whoops?' Don't say 'whoops.' MR. STANWYK I mean, by the time your story gets published, I'll be on the beach. I understand extradition from Rio is very complicated. I'll bet for two murders it's even more so. FLETCH That is a lighter, isn't it? Just then, the French doors swing open, and Chief Cummings enters. CUMMINGS Greetings, everyone. FLETCH (dryly) Thank God, the police. MR. STANWYK What the hell are you doing here? CUMMINGS Put the gun down, Alan. I'll take care of them. Stanwyk lowers the gun. MRS. STANWYK (to Fletch) I thought you had this all figured out. Good going 'Irwin.' FLETCH Don't ever call me 'Irwin,' okay? MRS. STANWYK (to Cummings) I've got it all under control, Jerry. You can go now. CUMMINGS (laughs) Under control? You idiot. You didn't know who he was? During the following dialogues, Fletch starts nudging the fireplace's gas lighter jet key with his foot. CUMMINGS Fat Sam left the beach today. So did Gummy. It began to occur to me that some things are beginning to happen that maybe I should be aware of. MR. STANWYK I said I'll take care of it. Now, a man of your position shouldn't be a part of what's about to go down. So go home and I'll call you tomorrow. CUMMINGS What, 'long distance?' I couldn't help but hear you say something about Rio, Alan. You're not leaving with the eight hundred thousand dollars I staked you for the next load, are you? FLETCH Whoa. Well, you two obviously have a lot to talk over, so we'll go catch the last ten minutes of Dynasty. Fletch and Gail actually start to leave, but Cummings draws his gun and fires over their heads. They dive for the floor, landing on the side of the fireplace. Fletch palms a Zippo lighter from his pocket. MR. STANWYK Jerry, you're simply going to have to trust me. I've got a foolproof way to get rid of this guy and now you're jeopardizing everything. CUMMINGS Your 'foolproof' way is going to land my a* on the front page while you're basking in Rio. FLETCH ...with your money. Cummings turns his head momentarily to consider what Fletch has said, and Stanwyk takes advantage of the distraction to go for his gun. But he is too slow. Cummings shoots once, striking Stanwyk in the chest, killing him instantly. Gail screams in horror. Cummings turns to Fletch. CUMMINGS This one's going to be even more fun. FLETCH (striking the Zippo) Go ahead. Make my evening. Fletch hurls the lighter into the fireplace, causing a great whoosh of flames. Cummings throws his hands up in front of his face and Fletch leaps at him, wrestling him to the ground. Cummings is the stronger of the two, and just as he starts to gain dominance over Fletch, Gail Stanwyk staggers to her feet, picks up her husband's tennis racket in it's wooden brace, and slams it against Cummings' head with all her might. The Chief is knocked out. Fletch lies there, panting, trying to catch his breath. He looks up at Gail, still holding the racket, and staring at Alan's body. Fletch hustles her out of the room. 260-A HALLWAY FLETCH I'm calling the police. Then I'm leaving. You wait here for them. GAIL Where are you going? FLETCH Away. I think it might take you a while to get your life back together. You don't need me around. (indicates the library) Don't go back in there. He starts to leave. She calls after him. GAIL (still holding the racket) I really creamed the sonofabitch, didn't I? FLETCH (smiles) You sure did. Fletch exits. DISSOLVE TO 261 EXT. RIO DE JANEIRO - DAY With Sugarloaf Mountain in the b.g., Fletch lies in a lounge chair, sipping an exotic drink, watching the cavorting lovelies and playing his battered Casio. This is obviously at some very expensive beach club or hotel, as witnessed by the uniformed servant who brings a telephone. WAITER (Brazilian accent) Your call is come through. FLETCH Far out. (to the phone) Larry? It's Fletch. (pause, looks around) Well, it's not 'Fat Sam's', but...any port in a storm. (pause) Oh, tell Frank I need a couple of months. The fifty grand's lasting longer than I thought. He pauses again to listen to Larry, but sees something O.S. that takes over his attention. he doesn't wait for Larry to finish what she's saying. FLETCH I gotta go, Lar. He hangs up and stands. We see that Gail has just walked up to him. The way they look at each other indicates they have not seen each other for awhile, and her arrival is a surprise to Fletch. GAIL John Ultramalensky, right? FLETCH Right. GAIL God, I haven't seen you since the wedding. FLETCH Gee, I must have been sh*t-faced at your wedding, I don't --- GAIL Not mine, stupid. Yours. FLETCH (big smile) What are you doing here? They start walking down the beach. We stay right with them. GAIL I couldn't sit home and play the mournful widow anymore, and the police didn't need me, so I tried watching a Lakers game on TV, but the announcer talked to fast and I couldn't understand a lot of what was happening, so I figured if I came down here maybe you could explain the rules to me, and besides, I missed you. FLETCH No problem. He puts his arm around her, as we watch them leave us behind and walk off down the beach. FLETCH Basketball, of course, was invented in France, and is played with a large ball, two tongue depressors and a fish.... Fletch ad-libs just like Chevy Chase would as they walk further away down the beach until we.... FADE OUT THE END
THE FLINTSTONES Written by STEVEN E. DE SOUZA Based on characters created by JOE BARBERA & WILLIAM HANNA Early Draft - September 1987 FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY THE FLINTSTONES FADE IN: 1 EXT. SLATE QUARRY - DAY 1 FRED FLINTSTONE, archetypical Everyman, sits atop his faithful heavy-equipment dinosaur, cranking the winch that makes the mighty beast rip and tear into the quarry wall. 2 THE QUARRY FOREMAN 2 looks down at his wristwatch. Well... actually, it's a wrist sundial. And it's magic time... quittin' time... Millerock time! Now the foreman turns from his watch to a steam whistle bird, and yanks its tail. The BIRD SQUAWKS the end of the workday -- 3 ANOTHER ANGLE 3 FRED YABBA DABBA DO -- ! Fred happily discards his hard hat, leaps out of the canvas-roofed cab on the dino's back, slides down the tail and bounces right into the seat of his stone and timber car! He gets up to a running start with the only motor (his feet), slows to allow a "time clock" dinosaur to punch his stone timecard, and then he's trotting back up to speed and out of the gate! MUSIC comes UP and OVER -- MUSIC (V.O.) 'Flintstones, Meet the Flintstones, They're a modern Stone age fam-i-ly --' -- And so forth, as for the first time in "his-tor-y" we see the Flintstones' OPENING CREDITS live! 4 TIGHT ON A MAILBOX 4 reading "FLINTSTONE." We WIDEN as Fred SKIDS to a halt in the driveway of his three-bedroom ranch cave. A moment later, WILMA and PEBBLES run out -- both looking just like they should -- and get into the car. A beat behind them are the Flintstone pets, Dino and the saber-toothed cat. Fred pauses, looks around... HONKS his HORN... BARNEY, BETTY and BAM-BAM come out of the neighboring house, hop in! (CONTINUED) 2. 4 CONTINUED: 4 Fred's feet slap on the street as the car starts up -- MUSIC (V.O.) 'From the Town of Bedrock They're a page right Out of his-tor-y -- ' 5 DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATRE - DUSK 5 Fred and company pull in. He takes a giant sea shell "speaker" off of its wooden stand and hooks it to his car door. He leans over, puts his arm around Wilma. (In the back seat, Dino pops his head up, tearing through the canvas top.) Dino picks up Pebbles and Bam-Bam and puts them on his head for a better view. CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON the drive-in screen and the words that America has waited twenty-five years to see in 70mm Dolby(TM) drop- your-popcorn reality: THE FLINTSTONES And as the MAIN CREDITS ROLL, we -- DISSOLVE TO: 6 AN EERIE CARBONIFEROUS FOREST - DAWN 6 Dew drips from strange multi-leafed plants. Giant DRAGONFLIES BUZZ AND HUM to and fro. Bubbles rise from a still pond, and weird lungfish move onto the land. (The third one out carries a little suitcase.) CAMERA PANS PAST the lungfish TO a muddy shore. With a DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING, we DISCOVER a set of strange, hideous clawprints. The CAMERA FOLLOWS these, then WIDENS to reveal the make of these footprints: A seven- foot tall and fearful beast we will call the Xenosaurus. It looks around menacingly. (Oddly, it's carrying a canvas sack, but we don't stress this.) Suddenly a garbage truck appears out of nowhere and runs over the Xenosaurus. 7 NEW ANGLE 7 Dazed, the Xenosaurus gets up. As it does, we realize that we aren't deep in some primeval forest, but on the shoulder of a gravel highway. A stone road sign reads BEDROCK 1/2 MILE. ROCK VEGAS, BABYLON & EDEN NEXT THREE EXITS. Now, the CAMERA CRANES UP ABOVE the sign and we see -- Bedrock! (CONTINUED) 3. 7 CONTINUED: 7 Nestled incongruously in a savage landscape, the charming protosuburbia gleams in the dawn's early Spielberg light. The Xenosaurus grabs its sack and some silverware spills out. Then it runs off into the bushes and out of sight. 8 WITH THAT GARBAGE TRUCK 8 It reaches the crest of a hill where there's a "WELCOME TO BEDROCK" billboard which bears greetings from the Rotary Club, the Chamber of Commerce, and (of course) The Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes. The garbage truck guys drop their feet down through the floorboard and trot over the rise, coast down to the street below. The driver yanks a wooden brake and the truck stops, and the rear guys hop off. One of them waves to -- 9 A MILKMAN 9 who returns the wave, then takes a four-pack of stone bottles out of his milk truck, heads towards a doorway. As the milkman drops off the milk, he passes a big TORTOISE with trash cans on its back. The Tortoise nods familiarly to the milkman, then it waddles down the curb, CAMERA FOLLOWING. The garbage men take the cans off the Tortoise's back, dump them into the truck. 10 REAR OF TRUCK 10 -- revealing that the back of the truck is actually a giant-jawed CREATURE strapped onto the chassis. The garbage men dump the cans into its maw... it happily swallows the works, licks its lips, BELCHES. 11 BACK TO SCENE 11 The garbagemen slam the cans back on the Tortoise, who winces as they drive off. TORTOISE (under his breath) You can forget about a tip for Christmas... It waddles back up the lawn... passing by a wooden "lawn timer" box which now pops open. Inside the box is a "ROOSTERSAURUS" which CROWS and flaps its wings. The motion of the wings knocks loose two round stones which roll down two long troughs a la Rube Goldberg... 4. 12 FOLLOWING THE ROUND STONES 12 They reach the ends of their respective paths, dislodging a stick... that releases a coiled rope which in turn spins a turntable which holds a little wooly mammoth. As it begins to spin around, it squirts water out of its snout. Elsewhere on the lawn, other spinning MAMMOTHS repeat this performance. After a moment, they gradually slow their revolutions. The one closest to the house scrunches its trunk with a GROAN. LITTLE MAMMOTH (sotto) Oh, my aching sinuses... 13 INT. FLINTSTONES' BEDROOM - DAY 13 WIDEN FROM the windowsill, where a little sea shell hearing aid trumpet AMPLIFIES another ROOSTERSAURUS "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO" into the ear of a "CLOCK RADIO WOODPECKER." The Woodpecker yawns, gets out of bed, puts a timecard in a little clock. Then it turns and begins pecking on a BELL, which RINGS PIERCINGLY. 14 INT. BEDROOM - NEW ANGLE 14 Two shapes are visible under the bedclothes: One is a great SNORING bulge, the other is a svelte and lithe shape. As the BELL continues RINGING, the larger bulge GRUNTS, MOANS, pulls a pillow over its head, and then finally gropes under the bed for a slipper. The slipper is thrown without aiming -- 15 THE WOODPECKER 15 ducks just in time. It wipes its forehead nervously. RADIO WOODPECKER (sotto) I hate this job... There's not even a health plan... He staggers back up to his perch, and then notices for the first time that the dial on the side is pointed not to "ALARM" but to "ALARM & RADIO." The WOODPECKER SIGHS, looks over at the bed where SNORING is still emanating. Then the bird swings a little telescope around to point out the window. 16 WOODPECKER'S TELESCOPE - IRIS SHOT 16 as the 'SCOPE PANS and FOCUSES, finally SETTLING ON a distant stone building marked RADIO STATION B-ROK. (CONTINUED) 5. 16 CONTINUED: 16 Perched on top of the wooden radio tower are a monkey and an octopus. The monkey holds up cue cards which the octopus reads, and then waves nautical semaphore flags. 17 BACK TO SCENE 17 Our WOODPECKER squints, CLEARS his THROAT. RADIO WOODPECKER (deeper "on-air" voice) Good morning, Bedrock. This is station B-R-O-K with the morning weather and news... 18 IN THE BED 18 The big bulge GRUNTS and MUTTERS a bit, then one hand gropes around, finds the curvaceous form under the neighboring covers... feels it tentatively... then the fingers "walk" upwards... RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) It will be fair and mild through the weekend, continuing for the next eight hundred years, followed by cooling breezes and a protracted ice age... Those walking fingers have reached the top edge of the covers... now they pull them down revealing the owner's face... the face of Fred, his eyes at half-mast, his face covered in fashionable "Bedrock Vice" stubble. FRED (with genuine charm) Wil-ma. Wil-ma? How about a great big good morning kiss for your Freddy-weddy? And he pulls the covers down to reveal -- DINO, who is immediately "YI-YI-YI-YI-ING," hopping all over the bed and showering Fred with sloppy kisses. FRED Dino! Dino, cut it out -- ! RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) In the news, Bedrock civic and business leaders met yesterday to discuss the growing kibble crisis. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 6. 18 CONTINUED: 18 RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) (CONT'D) Ecological activist Ralph Naderock warned that if new supplies of kibble are not found, our animal- powered civilization itself may be threatened. By now Dino's affection attack has knocked both master and pet to the floor in a jumble of bedclothes, asses and elbows. Dino begins to roll Fred across the room like a seal playing with a ball. FRED Dino, that's enough -- here, look, Daddy has a nice dino bone for you, just please stop it -- Fred has now backed up to a dresser, where he grabs a brightly-colored box labeled "PURINROCK DINO TREATS." Fred holds it up -- Dino gets up on two legs, eager for the treat -- Fred shakes the box... alas, nothing comes out. DINO "YI-YI'S" again, propelling Fred into the next room. 19 INT. FLINTSTONE KITCHEN - DAY 19 Five-year-old PEBBLES GIGGLES at the table as Fred and Dino tumble into the room like Frank Buck and a lion. Wilma turns at the noise. One look at her and we under- stand Fred's romantic turn. RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) In other news, Bedrock police report that the Xenosaurus has struck again! Yes, the fiercesome intruder was sighted in the Bedrock Hills for the third time this month. Outlying shops and residencies report extensive looting and property destruction... WILMA Fred, stop playing with Dino and sit down. Your breakfast's getting cold. Saying this, Wilma puts a huge egg at Fred's place. Meanwhile, Fred manages to get to his feet, holds out one arm to keep Dino at bay. Fred does a big "take," looking out the window -- (CONTINUED) 7. 19 CONTINUED: 19 FRED (throwing open the door) Oooh, Dino, look -- there's a nice big dino bone laying out on the front lawn -- ! Pause. Dino gives him a big look as if to say, "Oh, yeah?" FRED (trying again) -- Gosh, look at that adorable little female dino -- "YI-YI-YI-YI," DINO is out the door like a rocket. Fred cackles, slams it shut, then sits down at the table. FRED -- That animal's gonna kill me with kindness. Do you know we're out of dino treats? WILMA So is everybody else in Bedrock. That kibble crisis is getting worse every day. She puts two giant slices of bread into a toaster. Two claw-like devices hold the toast, pulling it out of sight. WILMA I'm afraid Dino's going to have to manage on leftovers from Pebbles and me. FRED (sitting down) And what's wrong with my leftovers? WILMA I'll let you know when I see some. RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) (finishing up) ... Scientists from B.C. University report that the footprints of the Xenosaurus match no known animal. (CONTINUED) 8. 19 CONTINUED: (2) 19 PEBBLES Mommy, is the bad Ze-ze-zenosaurus gonna get me and eat me up? WILMA Of course not, baby. FRED That's right, sweetheart. The only thing that's gonna eat you up is -- me! And he grabs her and bites her and tickles her. PEBBLES (giggling, calming) I'm still a little scared... FRED Pebbles, don't worry. These stories are very exaggerated. Like, you know, the boogyman? There's no such thing as a huge, inhuman reptile that attacks without warning -- WHAM! Dino reappears, bounding through the window and knocking Fred onto the floor. Once again Dino is happily licking and loving and cuddling his callously unresponsive owner. Fred struggles to avoid the slurping tongue, pulls himself up to the window sill, looks out. FRED -- Oh, look, everybody, the mailman is here -- "YI-YI-YI-YI!" DINO buys it again, runs to the door, lets himself out. This time Fred puts a chair against the door. Meanwhile, Wilma turns at the sound of the TOASTER POPPING UP. We see that the "claws" we saw earlier were the actual claws of a LOBSTER in a little fireproof suit who is tucked inside the toaster. As Wilma takes the toast, the Lobster blows on his claws, wincing, then looks TOWARDS the CAMERA. LOBSTER Well, it beats working in a seafood restaurant... (CONTINUED) 9. 19 CONTINUED: (3) 19 FRED (taking the toast) Thanks, Wilma... Fred slaps jelly on the toast, takes a big bite, and then something outside the window catches his eye. 20 HIS POV - STREET 20 A paperboy on a wood-and-stone bicycle is coming rapidly towards the house. In the bike's basket is a stack of dried, rock-hard clay tablets. 21 BACK TO SCENE 21 Fred leans out the window, waving his hands. FRED Arnold! Arnold! Don't aim at the house -- please, not at the house -- WHAM! Fred ducks back just as the stone newspaper slams into the window frame, SMASHING a FLOWERPOT, taking out a chunk of wall, and continuing diagonally through the kitchen and out another window. Fred follows this action in time to see -- 22 HIS DRIVEWAY - THROUGH THE OTHER WINDOW 22 The rock paper drops like a foul shot, rips through the canvas roof of Fred's car, and then bangs a huge dent in the hood. 23 BACK TO SCENE 23 Fred sighs, turns back to his breakfast. WILMA Lucky it wasn't the Sunday paper. FRED (slight smile) Yeah. What else can go wrong? He slices through the big egg with his knife -- releasing a baby PTERODACTYL which SQUAWKS and flaps, knocking Fred over as it takes off through the window. DISSOLVE TO: 24 EXT. FLINTSTONE DRIVEWAY - LATER 24 Fred -- now dressed for work -- is forlornly trying to fix his car. (CONTINUED) 10. 24 CONTINUED: 24 In the neighboring driveway, Wilma and Betty pile the kids into Betty's car. BETTY (wiping their mouths) Come on, kids. Time for nursery school. PEBBLES 'Bye-bye, Daddy. FRED 'Bye, little sweetheart. (as Wilma clears her throat) 'Bye, big sweetheart. Fred kisses them both and they drive off. Fred sighs, tries to stretch the canvas roof edges close enough to stitch. Nearby, Dino struggles to drag the stone news- paper inside the house. The twin headlines are, of course, KIBBLE CRISIS GROWS and MYSTERIOUS XENOSAURUS STRIKES AGAIN. Suddenly a pink flamingo appears over the hedge. As its mouth opens and closes, it appears to be talking, but the voice is that of -- BARNEY Nice morning, huh, Fred? FRED What's nice about it? BARNEY Heh, hey. That Arnold's got a real arm on him, don't he? Now we see that Barney is holding the flamingo's stiff legs which he scissors, making the bird's beak trim the hedge. FRED This is the third ragtop this year ... say, shouldn't you be at work? BARNEY Ah, well, that appliance store and me, we kinda had a little adjustment -- FRED You got fired, didn't ya? (CONTINUED) 11. 24 CONTINUED: (2) 24 BARNEY Fred, don't start on me again. I donno, I'm just not a nine to five guy. I got dreams, Fred. Ideas -- FRED Yeah, I know, I know, those crazy inventions of yours. Be honest with me, Barn... tell me one thing you invented that really caught on. BARNEY I invented fire. FRED (pause) You invented fire? BARNEY I told you that, Fred. But the coal conglomerate ripped me off. The case is still in court, but meanwhile I got lotsa other ideas -- FRED Yeah, but did any one of them ever put bread on the table? How long are you and Betty gonna live on those penny-ante royalties you get? Fred pulls his car hood off of its wooden hinges, examines it with dismay. FRED If you ask me, pal, you're just blowing smoke up your own volcano... BARNEY Maybe, Fred. But first... He uses the flamingo's jaws to snatch the car hood from Fred's surprised grasp. BARNEY Let me try some of that smoke on your car. CUT TO: 12. 25 INT. BARNEY'S GARAGE/WORKSHOP - DAY 25 We can still see Fred's car in the neighboring driveway. (We can also see Dino, who drags the newspaper on a bit more, then collapses from exhaustion). Barney's garage is cluttered with all kinds of odds and ends, plus various inventions and scale models in different stages of completion. (Interestingly, a number of these anticipate Leonardo da Vinci's work). Many of the models are made of a strange celadon green material. Fred watches, skeptical, as Barney presses the car hood into some soft clay between two big blocks of stone. BARNEY (as he works) -- See, the first step, we make a mold of the old car hood, smooth out the dent in the clay -- He tosses the original car hood aside with a crash. Then, moving rapidly, he starts heaving a variety of ingredients into the reverse imprint of the car hood. BARNEY -- Add some lava granules... some woca leaves... juice from two coo-coo berries... FRED (impressed) Two coo-coo berries? You made of money, Barney? BARNEY Anything for a pal, Fred -- a lump of coal... bamboo sawdust... eucalyptus sap... a touch of the La Brea tarbrush -- and -- voila. Barney dips a finger in this mess, "tastes" it; satisfied, he yanks on a hanging rope and a giant rock weight slams down on the whole mess, making Fred jump out of his skin. 26 NEW ANGLE 26 Fred is caked with dust. He coughs and spits. FRED Barney, why don't you try inventing a brain for yourself! Look at what you did to -- (CONTINUED) 13. 26 CONTINUED: 26 He stops as Barney cranks up the weight on a ratchet, proudly lifts out a perfect (though greenish) duplicate of the car hood. As Fred examines it, impressed despite himself, we... CUT TO: 27 BETTY'S CAR - TRAVELING 27 The two kids are in the back seat. Somehow both of the kids' faces are messy again. Working together with beautiful precision, they are carefully dismantling the rear armrests and door handles. BETTY (in mid-speech, driving) ... Oh, it's not that I'm complaining, Wilma. I mean, Barney's sweet, but... well, he's just not cut out to punch a clock. And he's such a dreamer, you think he ever once picked up a hammer and chisel and tried to balance a checkbook? They pull up in front of a pleasant-looking simple little nursery school. MRS. GRANITE, a pleasant-looking 65, sees them from the schoolyard, waves while Wilma and Betty un- load the kids. BETTY No, Barney just keeps looking for that coo-coo berry pie in the sky, and I don't want to pop his balloon by talking about the price of mastodon ribs. She wipes off Bam-Bam's mouth with a handkerchief. Wilma does the same with Pebbles and then they kiss the kids, who immediately run into the schoolyard. MRS. GRANITE (approaching) Mrs. Rubble, Mrs. Flintstone, I wanted to thank you personally. BETTY You're welcome, Mrs. Granite. But we wipe their mouths every day. MRS. GRANITE No, no, I mean for all your wonderful support the past few years. It's parents like you that make me think twice about retiring. (CONTINUED) 14. 27 CONTINUED: 27 From the schoolyard comes the sudden sound of KIDS QUAR- RELING and then a THUD and some CRYING. MRS. GRANITE On the other hand... Wilma and Betty laugh. WILMA We're really going to miss you, too, Mrs. Granite. MRS. GRANITE Have you found another school for the children? BETTY We're still shopping around. WILMA Fortunately, we're both -- Wilma and Betty straighten... salute. WILMA & BETTY (they've done this routine before) -- Professional shoppers! As the three women laugh, we... CUT TO: 28 EXT. BEDROCK STREET - TRAVELLING - DAY 28 Fred and Barney drive along. (Behind them, the same houses and palms seem to be going by... duplex, palm... split level, two palms... duplex, palm). Barney grins, gestures towards the front of the car. BARNEY Not bad, eh? After it cures for an hour or so, it's solid as a rock. FRED Okay, you fixed a dented hood. But you call that a living? Face it, pal, this is the Stone Age, and it's a dino eat dino world. You want my advice? BARNEY Did I ever? (CONTINUED) 15. 28 CONTINUED: 28 FRED You stick with me today, cruise on down to the quarry and fill out a job application. I'm a big man there, Barney -- BARNEY You're a big man anywhere, Fred -- FRED I'm serious, pal. Me and Mr. Slate are just like this -- He takes his hand off the wheel to hold up two fingers... ends up swerving instead. FRED -- just like that. I know, I know -- you're not a clock-punching guy -- but face it, Barney -- it's time to grow up and put your nose to the grindstone, batten down the hatches and join the ratasaurus race with the rest of us. (meaningfully) It's time to retire those dreams. Barney looks glum, doesn't say anything. Suddenly Fred pulls over, stops the car. FRED Barney. Look. 29 WIDE SHOT 29 They're at the crest of a high wide hill. BARNEY Hey. Lava Lane. FRED Remember the old days, Barn? We used to race our go-carts here to impress the girls. BARNEY (wistful) Yeah, those were the days... we usta dream about coming back here some day with a real car and goin' for the goldrock...! A look from one to another, and then down the hill... Fred gets a malicious grin on his face. (CONTINUED) 16. 29 CONTINUED: 29 BARNEY Fred... I thought you said it was time to retire those old dreams. FRED Hey. Since when do I have to be consistent? The two pals laugh, and then with a whoop they begin pedalling like mad. They go over the top, gravity takes over and they are flying past that billboard with all the Rotary Club welcomes on it. But now we see a different sort of welcome, as a POLICE CAR ZOOMS out from behind it. 30 POLICE CAR - CLOSER 30 Inside are SERGEANT FELDSPAR and his rookie partner, OFFICER GRAVEL. Cackling with anticipation, Feldspar opens a box marked radar detector. Out pops a little bird in a police helmet. It has a stopwatch (actually, stop-sundial) around its neck. Feldspar points -- the bird salutes -- takes off! 31 FRED AND BARNEY 31 BARNEY (spotting the cops) Oh-oh! Fred, slow down -- ! Suddenly both Fred and Barney see the RADAR BIRD flying alongside them. It checks its stopwatch, writes a note to itself. Fred is so preoccupied he doesn't notice as -- 32 THE POLICE CAR 32 cuts in front of Fred. Fred SLAMS on the "BRAKES," sits helplessly as Feldspar gets out, walks over, grinning. FELDSPAR Well, Flintstone, looks like today's the day. FRED Sergeant Feldspar, I... I wasn't speeding... honest... Fred reaches down to the floorboard as he speaks... 33 ANGLE ON FLOORBOARD 33 There's a box there marked RADAR BUSTER. (CONTINUED) 17. 33 CONTINUED: 33 FELDSPAR (O.S.) Forget it, Flintstone. This time I got you dead to rights -- Fred opens the box. A scary-looking winged reptile sticks out its head, smacks its hungry lips. 34 BACK TO SCENE 34 Confident, Feldspar jerks a thumb at the Radar Bird, turns to his rookie partner. FELDSPAR Gravel. Get me the radar reading and I'll show you how we deal with scofflaws. Gravel nods, steps towards the bird. The bird checks its stopwatch... and then it notices the flying lizard which is hovering nearby, licking its lips. RADAR BIRD Whoa! Wings, do your stuff -- ! The Radar Bird flies away at a hundred miles an hour, leaving a cloud of dust and the stopwatch behind. Feldspar catches the watch, startled. FRED Well, Sergeant, if you don't have a radar reading, I guess we'll -- (quickly) -- justbeonourway -- ! A new cloud of dust appears as Fred ROARS away. FELDSPAR Flintstone! Flintstone, come back here -- ! CUT TO: 35 EXT. BEDROCK BUTCHER SHOP - DAY 35 Betty and Wilma have just pulled up. We notice that next to their legal spot, a big limousine is parked in a "no parking" zone. But our law-abiding Betty in the next space now drops a stone coin in a parking meter. 36 CLOSE ON THE METER 36 Inside the window we see a LITTLE BIRD. It "bites" the coin to check it, then turns over an egg timer. (CONTINUED) 18. 36 CONTINUED: 36 LITTLE BIRD (with a sigh) Four years in accounting school for this... 37 INT. BUTCHER SHOP - DAY 37 It's absolutely mobbed. Customers push past each other with armloads of food. Gigantic cuts of meat hang from above or are on display behind the counter. MORRIS THE BUTCHER looks up from the chaos and manages a weak smile for the girls. BETTY Morris, what on earth is going on? You giving away Bronto filets? MORRIS Ah, my two loveliest customers. It's this darn kibble crisis, Mrs. R... people are buying everything I got to feed their dinos... MRS. SLATE Young man, if you're through flirting, I'd like some service. 38 NEW ANGLE 38 REVEALING MRS. SLATE, who stands there, impatient and overdressed. MORRIS Of course, Mrs. Slate. Just take a number. Wilma senses the tension, quickly steps forward to break it with a smile. WILMA Ah, hello, Mrs. Slate. Morris reacts with relief. Mrs. Slate reacts with a blank look. WILMA (prompting) We met at the quarry picnic? MRS. SLATE Oh, of course. Mrs. Flintstein. She turns her back to Wilma, forces her way towards the counter again. Wilma burns. (CONTINUED) 19. 38 CONTINUED: 38 MORRIS Ladies, the meat's not getting any fresher. Mrs. R, what'll it be? BETTY Oh, I'd like some ground mammoth patties and uh... some dodo drumsticks. MORRIS Gino? We got any dodo bird? GINO turns, looks at his end of the counter. GINO There's one left -- and it's the last one! MORRIS Good. (handing him the note) Give it to Mrs. Rubble along with this. Gino nods, smiling. He picks up a crate, begins to load it with giant fryer parts and several manhole-sized meat patties. MORRIS (turning to Betty) How about you, Mrs. F? WILMA I just need a few things for Fred. MORRIS 'Fred...'? (calling into the back) David! Herman! Get Rob and BoBo and tell 'em to bring the big dolly! VOICE FROM BACK (O.S.) Flintstone again, huh? MORRIS You got it. Now then... Mrs. Slate? (pointing at the limo outside the shop) You're in a no parking zone there. (CONTINUED) 20. 38 CONTINUED: (2) 38 MRS. SLATE Well, if I get some service, I'll be out of it, won't I? Mrs. Slate steps to the counter. Meanwhile, the staff begin using a refrigerator dolly to bring out giant ribs, steaks and sausages which they pile up in front of Wilma. MRS. SLATE I want a nice fresh, juicy chickensaurus, Morris. And not one you've had laying around on the shelf. I mean fresh. MORRIS Mrs. Slate, we're kind of busy now -- MRS. SLATE I don't care if you're busy. What I care about is my adorable little grand nephew. He's staying with me for the summer and I intend to make his favorite dish... Southern fried chickensaurus! Now I want a fresh chickensaurus and I want it now! MORRIS Boys, you heard her... she said fresh. 39 THE STAFF 39 with a sigh, they buckle on elbow and knee protectors, go to a side door, open it. Inside is another barred door. They open it, go inside. Immediately we hear loud SQUAWKING and CACKLING... THUDS, BUMPS... 40 NEW ANGLE 40 Suddenly the barred door slams open and a giant chicken- saurus comes bounding out, with Morris's staff hanging all over it like rodeo cowboys. They try and restrain it with ropes but it's enraged and flops around the store. MRS. SLATE (oblivious of the trouble) Morris, while you're at it, I'd like it plucked -- (CONTINUED) 21. 40 CONTINUED: 40 Suddenly the chickensaurus snaps the ropes, flaps its wings and leaps through the front window -- 41 EXT. BUTCHER SHOP - DAY 41 The huge bird lands with a crunch atop Mrs. Slate's car, which is practically squashed flat. Then it disappears around the corner. (We hear CAR HORNS and SKIDDING TIRES as it goes.) 42 BACK TO SCENE 42 MRS. SLATE My car -- ! Wilma and Betty try and hide their laughter. CUT TO: 43 EXT. SLATE CONSTRUCTION - DAY 43 Clouds of dust rise from behind the fence. We see the heads of the heavy equipment dinos rising and falling. A two-story office building is at one end of the site with a big "Slate Construction Inc." sign on the roof. CAMERA ADJUSTS as Fred's car turns into the lot, Barney seated beside Fred. The new green hood gleams in the morning light. 44 CLOSER - FRED'S CAR 44 Fred digs his feet into the ground, slams to a halt. He gets out, surveys the activity. Immediately, the various workers shout AD LIB greetings. Fred acknowledges these, beaming in the respect he gets here. He lovingly dusts off his construction helmet, puts it on, knocks an offending speck from his parking sign (F. Flintstone - Shop Steward). He leads Barney towards the quarry area. FRED Barney, you won't regret this -- hiya, Al -- fixing dents in cars is one thing, a career's another. Here, you're getting in on the ground floor of the first footstep of a new leaf -- hi, Wally, how's the old backhand? And with a guy like me ta show you the ropes, you can skip all the red tape, all the malarky, all the dino doo -- 22. 45 NEW ANGLE 45 Fred stands near the weight station booth, where a plump GIRL in a beehive hairdo sits inside a trailer. GIRL (New York accent) Hi, Mr. Flintstone. FRED Hiya, Shirley. This is my very special neighbor and pal Barney Rubble. He needs an application form, okay? GIRL Anything for you, Mr. Flintstone. She slams down two clay tablets and a stylus. GIRL Here you go. (smiling) Thanks again for the football tickets. My boyfriend and I both liked them. FRED My pleasure, Shirl. Anytime. GIRL Okay. But do you think next time we could go to the same game? FRED (confidently) No problem. Fred smiles at her, hands the forms to Barney. Fres steps towards the quarry, admires the activity, hands on hips, master of all he surveys. He waves to more friends. FRED Well, Barn, what did I tell you? When you're in with Flintstone, you're in like Flint. BARNEY Gee, Fred. I knew you were a big shot. I just didn't know how big. Fred beams at that, and then follows Barney's gaze to the read-out on the truck scale. Fred is standing on it and it's pushing 250. With a scowl, Fred grabs Barney's sleeve and they go into the quarry. As they move, the CAMERA PANS and CRANES UP TOWARDS the window of the Slate Construction Office. CUT TO: 23. 46 INT. OFFICE - PULLBACK FROM WINDOW 46 The room here is dominated by a tabletop architectural model of a large scale construction project. There's acres of little development houses, then some tall office buildings, a mall, you name it: There's even little foot- powered model cars in the model parking spaces. Near this we see MR. SLATE, a giant in the Bedrock con- struction business (but not in height). Slate drinks coffee from a "Boss" mug, listens with growing impatience to JERRY LAVA. Several of Slate's lackeys listen, their heads nodding up or down in sympathy with Slate's mer- curial moods. LAVA Uncle, if you'll look at this unit cost projection... it intersects here with -- SLATE -- how'd you like my fist to intersect with your nose? I've told you a hundred times, don't call me uncle in the office! Now, I didn't arrange your scholarship to Harvrock University so you could waste my time! So stop beating around the bushasaurus and get to the bottom slime! LAVA You'll be bankrupt in six months. Slate does a Danny Thomas spit take all over the model. 47 EXT. QUARRY - MOVING SHOT 47 Fred and Barney cross the busy lot, sidestepping workers and animals. Fred does a lot of backslapping, waving. Barney's filling out the forms on the move. Behind them, we see the wide access ramp which spirals around the quarry's sides. BARNEY (to himself) Social Security number... dependents... 'how learned of job' ... newspaper ad, carrier pigeon... (writing) ... Personal reference... Hearing a loud SMASH, Fred looks up and sees -- 48 FRED'S POV - A WRECKING BALL OPERATOR 48 A burly and rough looking guy named PILTDOWN, he grins in- side his dino-topping cupola, winds his winch handles and then propels his wrecking ball towards the... 24. 49 QUARRY WALL - ABOVE 49 -- where the huge stone BALL SMASHES into some walnuts balanced on a boulder. 50 WIDER 50 Piltdown's compact buddy PYRITE cackles, sweeps up the walnuts. Munching them, he balances a new one in place. (It should be noted here that the relationship and physi- cal appearances of Piltdown and Pyrite mirrors that of our heroes... they're sort of an anti-Fred and Barney.) PYRITE Way ta go, Pilty baby. Five bucks says you can't hit one on the fly. PILTDOWN (calling up) Yer on, Pyrite -- Pyrite tosses a walnut, which bounces on the ledge. The wrecking BALL SMASHES into the stone wall. 51 BELOW 51 Workers near Fred duck as dust and debris fall down. People grab for their construction helmets. FRED Not again... Fred hustles up a ladder to a ramp which leads him up to the level of Piltdown's cab. Barney hurries to follow. FRED All right, Piltdown, that's enough! You're endangering your fellow workers! PILTDOWN Yeah? Sez who? FRED Says me, Fred Flintstone -- shop steward of Amalgamated Neolithic Workers 101. PILTDOWN Yeah? Well, A.N.W. one-oh-one gives us workers a snack break. So... (a nasty grin) ... I'm breakin' some snacks. He swings the wrecking ball again. 25. 52 UP ABOVE 52 This time he's overdone it: The wrecking ball flies past the walnuts -- Pyrite ducks for cover -- and then the wrecking ball whips over and around the handrail which runs along here, twisting as tightly as Indiana Jones' whip. The handrail wobbles dangerously in its foundation -- 53 PILTDOWN'S DINO 53 SNORTS, backs up -- the crane SUPPORTS on its back begin to CREAK and GROAN with the strain -- 54 WIDER 54 Workers scatter, fearful of the imminent collapse. Fred runs to grab the dino's reins. FRED Whoa, whoa, big fella -- He calms the beast by giving it a carrot. As it munches, Fred quickly ties the reins to a post. FRED (calling up to the cab) You're on report, Piltdown! If it's up to me you'll be pushing a wheelbarrow! PILTDOWN (leaping down) You've been asking for this, Flintstone... I'm gonna kick your fat butt -- FRED Fat butt? Hold me back, Barney -- (sotto, very sincere) -- Barney, hold me back -- Quickly the men form a circle around Piltdown and Fred. Barney looks up and sees -- 55 THE CRANE ON THE DINO'S BACK 55 It is shuddering and threatening to come crashing down. 56 BACK TO SCENE 56 BARNEY Hey, maybe you guys oughta fix that first. PILTDOWN Why should we? (CONTINUED) 26. 56 CONTINUED: 56 BARNEY It looks dangerous. Besides, you can kick Fred's fat butt anytime. FRED Yeah. That's right. (realizing, a glare at Barney) I mean -- this ain't over, Piltdown. (turning, shouting) Come on, guys. Let's clean up the mess. With much grumbling, ropes and grappling hooks are gathered and the crew hops to it... 57 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - SAME TIME 57 Slate stands in a blubbering fury as Lava mops coffee up from the model and Slate's face. SLATE Bankrupt? Are you crazy? Lava holds up a clay tablet covered with figures. LAVA It's all here in hack and slice. When you committed to this housing development the price of dino kibble was a few clams per ton. Since then, it's gone up a hundredfold. (indicating the model) You can't build a project like this without the heavy equipment dinos, and we can't afford to feed those dinos. Slate glowers, paces around the model. SLATE I'm two months behind schedule, my option's running out on the land and Donald Trumprock is just waiting to jump in and steal the whole deal ... meanwhile that damn union's on my back, hell, they'll probably want an eighty hour week or something... (frustrated) There's got to be an answer... A LOUD COMMOTION outside the window attracts everyone's attention. (CONTINUED) 27. 57 CONTINUED: 57 SLATE What's that? LAVA (worried) Sounds like a worker's comp claim if I ever heard one... All rush to the window. They look out and see -- 58 THE QUARRY - WIDE 58 Supervised by Fred, all the workers are straining on the ropes to haul the rear legs of the crane back into their sockets on the back of the big dino. Only the last critical rope is still dangling. FRED Barney! Grab that line! Hurry! Barney scrambles up Fred's back, shoving a foot in Fred's face, but finally snatching the rope. He pulls on it... Fred throws his own weight into the effort... 59 THE CRANE 59 THUDS into place on the dino's back -- the workers cheer -- 60 THE WRECKING BALL 60 alas, with its cable now twisted shorter, it's become an immovable object, and as the shortened CABLE SNAPS, the wrecking ball begins to roll down the quarry wall. 61 NEW ANGLE 61 Men and ANIMALS YELP and dive out of the way as the BALL rolls downwards, SMASHING everything in its path. 62 EXT. SLATE'S OFFICE WINDOW 62 The executives watch concerned as -- 63 THE WRECKING BALL 63 tumbles down, down, knocking scaffolding and ladders aside, reaches the end of a ramp, and drops through the air right onto -- 64 THE HOOD OF FRED'S CAR 64 -- where, astonishingly, the HOOD sinks in resiliently like a trampoline and then with a loud "SPROING" the wrecking ball flies straight back up into the air, followed a beat behind by the unhinged hood itself. Both hurtle TOWARDS the CAMERA -- 28. 65 SLATE AND EXECUTIVES 65 react fearfully as they realize all this is coming straight for them. With a howl, they all dive aside -- 66 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - WIDER - DAY 66 The wrecking BALL flies through the window, SLAMS onto Slate's desk, crushing everything in its path and then sails on SMASHING right into -- 67 THE MODEL DEVELOPMENT 67 -- where all of the lined up HIGH RISES SMASH ASIDE with a sound like falling pins. 68 IN THE QUARRY 68 The workers pick themselves up and now their eyes follow the path taken by the long-gone wrecking ball. FRED Oh boy. Goodbye pension fund -- They rush for the office building. 69 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - DAY 69 Dust is still settling. The staff rises from the mess, coughing. Lava rummages in the debris, finds a stiff body. LAVA Uncle, Uncle, speak to me -- But it's only a statue of a golfer from one of Slate's trophies. SLATE (sitting up) I'm over here, you moron -- and don't call me 'Uncle'! Slate's eyes fall on Fred's car hood, swinging from a bookshelf. He reaches for it -- pulls it -- it stays put, and only releases a new deluge of rubble and plaster which reburies him. At the same time, the door slams open and Fred, Barney and the other workers tumble inside. 70 THEIR POV - OFFICE 70 As they take in the destruction. Barney notices the wrecking ball amidst the model buildings. As we watch, the last remaining little HIGH RISE FALLS. (CONTINUED) 29. 70 CONTINUED: 70 BARNEY Hey, nice going, Fred. You even got the spare -- FRED Barney, shut up -- (turning) Mr. Slate -- Mr. Slate -- are you all right? Slate staggers to his feet, seething with fury. He finally yanks the car hood free. It bounces and VIBRATES in his hands like a hand saw. SLATE (eying the men) For five years Slate Construction has had the finest safety record in Bedrock. (pacing, angry) Our workers are trained in first aid, our equipment is first rate and our dinos are worm free. And then something like this happens ... I want to know how! A cacophony of voices starts to answer. SLATE Shut up! (in the sudden silence) I want one person to answer me: (waving the car hood) Who's responsible for this? 71 PILTDOWN 71 nudges the wrecking ball off the edge of the table. It falls on Fred's foot. Fred starts to scream and Piltdown shoves a pencil holder into his mouth. PILTDOWN (quickly) It was Flintstone, Mr. Slate! PYRITE That's right, Mr. Slate, it was Flintstone! BARNEY That's a lie, Mr. Slate! SLATE Who are you? (CONTINUED) 30. 71 CONTINUED: 71 BARNEY (pointing to his forms) B. Rubble. White male personal reference -- SLATE (pushing Barney aside) Flintstone, I have just one thing to say to you -- Fred cringes. Piltdown and Pyrite smirk. SLATE (pumping his hand) Congratulations! FRED PILTDOWN Huh? What? SLATE This stuff you had on your car is the most incredible building material I've seen in thirty years in the construction business! (testing it) It's strong -- (twirling it) -- Light -- (bending it) -- Resilient -- It rebounds, "SPROINGING" him on the chin. He recovers, shakes it off. SLATE Where on earth did you get it? FRED Oh, it's ah, just something I whipped up in the old garage workshop -- (quickly) -- with a little help from my buddy Barney, right, Barn? BARNEY Well, actually, Fred, it was the other way ar-- Fred hisses between his teeth, repeats the "Slate and me are just like this" gesture he made earlier, points at Slate. (CONTINUED) 31. 71 CONTINUED: (2) 71 BARNEY (reluctant) Sure, Fred, right, right. Slate nods, distracted, his eyes and hands running over the smooth lines of the car hood. SLATE The rest of you men go back to work. I want to talk to Flintstone and the personal reference alone. Come on, move, move... They go out, Piltdown looking furious. SLATE (a man in love) Light as a Pterodactyl feather... why, a child could handle this... Lava, we could cut construction costs in half... in quarters... in uh... whatchacallit -- LAVA (patiently) Eighths -- SLATE Eighths, right. Flintstone, what do you call this stuff? FRED Well, Mr. Slate, I call it -- (hesitating, sotto) -- Barney, what do I call it? BARNEY (sotto) Fibrerock, Fred... FRED -- I call it Fibrerock Fred -- ! (realizing) I mean, ah, 'Fibrerock'! SLATE (rolling it over his tongue) 'Fibrerock'? 'Fibrerock'? (playing with it) 'Fib-bre-rock' -- Slate's staff make disparaging noises. (CONTINUED) 32. 71 CONTINUED: (3) 71 SLATE I love it! SLATE'S STAFF (instantly reversing themselves) Love it... great... has a nice ring... says it all, you know? (Etc...) Slate takes the piece of material, leans it on the table so it catches the light. Despite himself, Lava comes over, examines the car hood... can't help but marvel at it as well. Meanwhile, Slate puts his arms around Fred and Barney. SLATE (to Lava) You see this, Lava? All those courses of yours at Harvrock University, and who saves my bacon? Two simple-minded run-of-the-mill nobodies. BARNEY Gee, thanks, Mr. Slate. Lava glowers. Slate pulls Fred and Barney close with genuine excitement. SLATE Boys, this is a small step for Slate Construction... a giant step for all mankind. He points to the translucent material. CAMERA TIGHTENS ON it. We see Fred, Barney and Slate's reflections in it. SLATE (dramatically) The Stone Age is over! Let the Fibre Age begin! As HEROIC MUSIC STINGS IN, we... CUT TO: 72 BETTY'S CAR - TRAVELING - DAY 72 Mrs. Slate is in back, crammed in with groceries. Betty pulls up in front of a building that looks like a Palm Springs spa. This is "L'ECOLE DES ENFANTS PREHISTORIQUE HAUTE SUPERIOR." (CONTINUED) 33. 72 CONTINUED: 72 BETTY Here we are, Mrs. Slate. Sorry you had to ride in the back. MRS. SLATE (getting out) Not at all. I'm used to being driven around. And she's sashaying up the path. Betty and Wilma burn, then follow her. 73 INT. SCHOOL - DAY 73 As elegant as we can get MMMCXV years before Louis XIV. As the three women come in, we see CHILDREN with alliga- tors on their deerskin shirts singing: CHILDREN 'La hachette de ma tante est sur le roche de mon oncle -- ' HEADMISTRESS (coming over, gushing) Madame Mrs. Slate, bonjour! Welcome to L'ecole des Enfants Prehistorique Haute Superior! MRS. SLATE Thank you, Marie. (showing a rock receipt) I ordered the hors d'oeuvres for the junior talent show. They were out of Ceolanth caviar so I got Mastodon brie instead. Oh, ah, these are my, uh, friends, Wilma Flintstein -- WILMA Flintstone -- MRS. SLATE -- oh, it used to be Flintstein -- ? And this is ah, Becky... Betty! The Headmistress reaches over, takes their hands gracefully. HEADMISTRESS Enchante. WILMA I'm sure. (CONTINUED) 34. 73 CONTINUED: 73 BETTY Likewise. HEADMISTRESS (waving a hand) Well, Madame Slate, as you can see, we remain ze creme de la creme in the croissant of life known as Bedrock. Now, your leetle gran' nephew will be wiz us for two weeks, no? (opening a drawer) Here is ze application for him. An' mais oui, he weel participate in zee annual talent show, naturalment? Mrs. Slate takes the parchment application. Meanwhile the Headmistress looks appraisingly at Wilma and Betty. HEADMISTRESS An' your friends perhaps would like zum school applications for zere enfants? MRS. SLATE (amused) Them? Oh, Marie, really, you don't understand -- BETTY (suddenly) That's right, you don't understand. My husband's business manager usually handles this sort of thing, but I don't mind. And to Wilma's astonishment, Betty takes one of the parchments. BETTY I know Bam-Bam -- (correcting herself) -- pardonez-moi, 'Bem-Bem' will love attending your school and performing in the talent show. Thank you oh so much. She gives Mrs. Slate an even and controlled look, and sends some of it over in Wilma's direction as well. Wilma makes her choice, smiles tightly. WILMA Let me have one of those, too. For ma petite Pebbles. (CONTINUED) 35. 73 CONTINUED: (2) 73 HEADMISTRESS Of course. Any friend of Madame Slate is a friend of mine. As Mrs. Slate reacts, we -- CUT TO: 74 INT. CAR - FRED AND BARNEY - NIGHT 74 They're cruising along. Fred puffs on a cigar. Barney flips the pile of legal sized tablets in his lap. In the back seat are some boxes and bundles. BARNEY Gee, Fred, I don't believe it. Eight hours ago I didn't have a job and now look -- I got 1/2 of one percent of the after-taxes after-expenses net breakage profits on Fibrerock! FRED Just be thankful I was there to go over the fine print. (full of himself) It's like I told you this morning -- There's something noble about a man digging in with his hands and doing an honest day's work. Once you file those dreams under 'old business' and put your nose to the plow, well, the world is your oyster. And was I right? BARNEY No, Fred, you weren't. I didn't nose any grindstones and you didn't shoulder a wheel. We just hung out together and everything that happened was a total accident. FRED (after a moment) Details, Barney, details... (smiling) I just can't wait to see the girls' faces when we tell 'em the news... 75 INT. FLINTSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT 75 The girls' frowns are a great contrast to their husbands' smiles. Wilma's looking at the school enrollment forms. Betty paces, looks at the clock. (CONTINUED) 36. 75 CONTINUED: 75 WILMA (seeing this) It's not like the boys to be so late. BETTY Unless they were forced to go bowling again. Remember that time a burglar pointed a gun at them and said, 'go bowling right now'? WILMA Betty, sometimes you're a little too gullible -- BETTY Don't tell me. I still can't believe what I did today... WILMA No kidding. (indicating the forms) Do you have any idea of what the enrollment fee is? And get this... it's non-refundable -- BETTY I know, I know! I just couldn't stand that woman's attitude! But we had to find a new school anyway, and there we were... the next thing I knew, I was in over my head... but why did you jump in, too? WILMA Oh, she was getting to me too with all that mastodon snort about her little nephew... and... BETTY And? WILMA And... if a friend can't help you do something stupid, who can? Betty smiles, touched. Then reality intrudes again. BETTY What do we tell the boys? WILMA What's wrong with the truth? (CONTINUED) 37. 75 CONTINUED: (2) 75 BETTY We put ourselves in debt so the kids can attend school with a family we can't stand? WILMA (pause) Maybe we could rephrase it... Suddenly the door bursts open. Fred and Barney run in with candy and flowers. FRED AND BARNEY Surprise! Pause. BETTY Flowers? WILMA Rock candy? That's nice, but... why? FRED Why? Oh, me and Barn, we suddenly realized that we had a little spare change. WILMA (sotto) Not anymore you don't... BARNEY (presenting flowers) Betty, these are for you. For sticking beside me during the tough times, and well... for making a little guy feel like he was ten feet tall. BETTY Aw, Barney... I... I don't deserve these. I did something really stupid today. BARNEY Hey. Fred does something stupid every day and I still love him. Fred laughs good naturedly, grabs Barney in a headlock. FRED Noogy, noogy, ha, ha -- ! (CONTINUED) 38. 75 CONTINUED: (3) 75 WILMA (observing this) Have you been drinking? In reply, Fred whips a bottle of champagne into view. FRED Ready when you are. (noticing the label) Hey, '1'... a good year. This confuses the girls even more. WILMA Fred, there's no easy way to say this so -- She closes her eyes, swings the enrollment forms over on the table so that Fred and Barney can read them. Fred and Barney look at them, look at each other... and yawn. 76 FAVORING WILMA AND BETTY 76 They can't believe this. BETTY Boys... did you see... the dollar signs there at the bottom? WILMA The non-refundable dollar signs? BARNEY Plenty more where that came from. FRED We see your dollar signs, ladies... and... He tosses his stone contracts on top of the parchment ones with a THUD. FRED ... we raise them. Wilma and Betty look at each other, then at the contracts. They blink, look again. WILMA Betty... these... these look... real -- (CONTINUED) 39. 76 CONTINUED: 76 Fred opens the champagne, which foams all over them. The girls squeal. FRED You bet they're real, sweetheart. They're as real as... as... well, as real as -- (embracing the group) -- the best darn friends and neighbors in the whole world. Barney squeezes back. BARNEY Yeah. And nothing's ever gonna change that... right, Fred? FRED (emotionally) Right, pal o'mine. As they laugh and the girls slowly absorb the truth, we -- CUT TO: 77 EXT. WATER BUFFALO LODGE - NIGHT 77 A sign proclaims this as "GRAND BEDROCK LODGE -- LOYAL ORDER OF WATER BUFFALO." The parking lot outside is full of vehicles. We hear the sound of a GAVEL BANGING... HERDMASTER (V.O.) Attention, fellow Water Buffaloes... 78 INT. WATER BUFFALO LODGE - NIGHT 78 The members are milling about the main room, schmoozing, drinking, kibitzing. All wear the furry and horned ceremonial Fez of the Buffalo. One wall of the lodge displays a big version of the lodge coat of arms (with the motto "Ackus Ackus Adackus" below); a trophy case holds a mind boggling display of various bowling trophies, balls and pins. At the lectern, the HERDMASTER (a mustachioed, inspirational type) bangs again for order. HERDMASTER Brothers, your attention! It quiets a bit. He clears his throat, raises his chin, and gives a strange mournful bellow. (CONTINUED) 40. 78 CONTINUED: 78 HERDMASTER ("ritual" type tone) The herd is now called to the prairie. (holding fingers above ears) Antlers... up! The entire Lodge dutifully imitates this gesture. ENTIRE GROUP Ack-ack-a-dack! HERDMASTER (banging gavel) This meeting of the Water Buffaloes is now in session. Sergeant-at-Arms, have we got any old business? Barney stands, acknowledges his friends and Lodge brothers. BARNEY Indeed we do, Brother Herdmaster. Tonight we are to hear speeches from prospective candidates for Lodge offices, such as good old Fred and some other guys. 79 PILTDOWN 79 Seated across the room with Pyrite and other cronies, he immediately leaps to his feet, paws the ground, and gives an eerie moan even stranger than the Herdmaster's earlier call to order. 80 BACK TO SCENE 80 After the CRY ECHOES away: HERDMASTER Brother Piltdown: You have given the Cry of the Gelded Buffalo at the Poisoned Water Hole. Do you wish to file an objection? PILTDOWN You bet I do. How come Flintstone is 'good old Fred' and me and the other candidates are just 'some other guys'? PYRITE Yeah, how come? (CONTINUED) 41. 80 CONTINUED: 80 BARNEY (rising) My apologies, Brother Piltdown. Allow me to rephrase. Tonight we will hear speeches from a whole bunch of good old guys... (pause) ... plus the one and only Fred Flintstone! Cheers go up, which drown out Piltdown's renewed cry of the poisoned water hole. Fred moves towards the podium as the noise dies down. 81 NEW ANGLE 81 Barney moves to the wall, where he pulls a rolled up tapestry from a hiding place behind a plant. He tacks it to the wall, yanks a string. It unrolls. It's a big "VOTE FOR FRED FLINTSTONE" poster. Barney turns, gives Fred a "thumbs up," and as he does, Barney's hand brushes against a folded parchment in his pocket. Barney pushes his way through the seats, catches up to Fred and hands him the document. Fred takes it, continues up to the podium. There, the Herdmaster hands Fred the ceremonial hoof and antler, crossed over each other like a Pharaoh's badges of office. Fred does a Papal-like wave with these, sets them down, and unrolls the crib notes Barney gave him. FRED (reading, at first wooden, then confident) Brother Buffaloes, honored Herdmaster, Junior Bucks and Apprentice Antlers, a great good evening to you all. Ahem. As you know, our organization has survived difficult times that have seen the extinction of such other lodges as the Order of Whooping Cranes and Brotherhood of Giant Sloths. But we here have come through the croo ... the crux... BARNEY (hissing) -- crucible -- (CONTINUED) 42. 81 CONTINUED: 81 FRED (grateful) -- crucible with our fur fluffy and our hooves unscathed. Now, the future holds many promises and many problems. As your next Herdmaster, I would bring to you the same determination, courage and -- if I may say so -- bold thinking that I have brought to the workplace. Thank you, and ack ack a-dack. Applause follows Fred's return to the floor. 82 PILTDOWN AND PYRITE 82 The only ones in their row not clapping, they scowl as Fred passes them... CUT TO: 83 INT. LODGE - RECREATION AREA - LATER 83 WIDEN as Barney propels a bowling ball (stone, of course) rumbling down the alley, sending pins flying. The Buffaloes cheer Barney's strike. We notice that most (if not all) of these Lodge members also work at the quarry. 84 AUTOMATIC PIN SPOTTER 84 It descends. It consists of a bent snout creature which "cranks" down a shelf with several monkeys on it. The monkeys grab the pins with their tails, straighten them up. Then the shelf cranks back up. 85 OTHER END OF ALLEY 85 Now it's Fred's turn. He trots up to the line, bowls... another strike! More cheers, AD LIB complaints, etc. The scorekeeper picks up hammer and chisel and fills out the last frame. LODGE MEMBER Congratulations, Fred. FRED Hey, when you're hot you're hot... boys, lemme buy a round of drinks for everyone. BARNEY Thanks, Fred, but here at the lodge drinks are free. (CONTINUED) 43. 85 CONTINUED: 85 FRED But the principle is the same, Barn. Don't forget that. Fred leads the group over to the bar. Piltdown and Pyrite come along with a shrug... why not, for a brew? Fred reaches -- 86 UNDER THE COUNTER 86 where he pulls out a hook-beaked little LIZARD -- 87 BACK TO SCENE 87 Fred uses this creature to open several beers. FRED (during this) Here you go, boys, nice and frosty... "BOTTLE OPENER" CREATURE (LIZARD) (aside) Go ahead, laugh. If I had a good orthodontist, my life woulda been different... Fred tosses the "Opener" aside -- 88 UNDER THE COUNTER 88 The critter bounces into the shelf, slides... when it re- covers, it realizes that its overbite has been straightened out by the impact. Very happy, it grabs a hat and coat, exits. 89 BACK TO SCENE 89 FRED (raising drink) Well, here's to... He looks around, sees -- 90 "PHOTO" ON WALL 90 It's actually "dots" chipped into a stone. It shows the young Fred, Barney and others gathered around soapbox racers. A banner reads "Junior Buffalo Day." 44. 91 BACK TO SCENE 91 FRED Here's to the greatest bunch of lifelong Buffaloes a guy could dream of leading. (an obvious prompt) Anybody else got a toast...? BARNEY 'Here's to the Water Buffalo and their next Herdmaster... Fred'! FRED Aw, gee, Barn... you shouldn't say that... (winking) ... at least not till after next week's election! LODGE MEMBER Fred, what was all that stuff in your speech about the workplace? I thought the only decision you made there was how many lunches to eat -- Laughter. Fred accepts it good-naturedly, reaches into his pocket. FRED Well, Harry, it just so happens that old Fred is moving up in the world... Boys, you're looking at Mr. Slate's new partner. PILTDOWN You and Slate? Who are you kidding, Flintstone? The only partner you got is hanging over your belt. Pyrite laughs, a bit too much. FRED Prepare to eat those words, Piltdown. PILTDOWN -- If I don't, you will -- FRED (a tight smile) Gentlemen, my card -- He passes them out, and the others take them, curious -- 45. 92 INSERT - CARD 92 Of course it's a little stone tablet... but it does indeed say "SLATE CONSTRUCTION -- F. FLINTSTONE, ASSISTANT JR. V.P. -- PUBLIC RELATIONS." 93 BACK TO SCENE 93 LODGE MEMBERS (AD LIB, impressed) Hey, way ta go, Fred... Whoa, gonna switch from a hard hat to a top hat, Freddy boy...? PYRITE (examining the card) Ah, it's probably a phony... Saying this, he bites down on it... winces as a tooth cracks. 94 BARNEY 94 tugs Fred's sleeve, pulls him close. BARNEY Gee, Fred, how come I didn't get any business cards? FRED Barney, it's all part of the plan. (to the others) Yes, boys, you see, I went up to my pal, Mister Slate and single- handedly made him an offer he couldn't refuse -- (Barney reacts to the "single-handedly" --) FRED -- 'Freddy boy,' he sez to me, 'We gotta talk turkey -- ' BARNEY Fred, we gotta talk turkey -- FRED That's right -- just like that -- BARNEY Fred -- ! Fred realizes Barney's got something on his mind. FRED Ah, excuse us, boys... 46. 95 NEW ANGLE 95 Fred pulls Barney into a quiet corridor. They stand near a trophy case. There's some bowling trophies here with a variety of names on them. (There's also trophies for "pie-eating contests" and "beer drinking chug-offs"; these have only Fred's name on them.) BARNEY Fred... what's this single-handed stuff? I distinctly remember at least four hands and two of them were mine. FRED (lowered voice) Barney, we could tell everyone how you invented this Fibrerock stuff, how Slate and Lava found out about it by accident and all, but what would that be? BARNEY The truth? FRED This is big business, Barney. We can't start telling the truth, it'd create the wrong impression. Think about all the really big deals in history -- back to the beginning of recorded time. Barney knits his brow in thought for maybe three seconds. BARNEY Okay. FRED What do they all have in common? (as Barney is stumped) I'll tell you. A front man. A guy who's out in the public eye running the point, fighting the crowds... and meanwhile... back in the corner is the silent partner. BARNEY I never knew that. FRED That's because the silent partner is always silent. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 47. 95 CONTINUED: 95 FRED (CONT'D) But while you're busy being silent -- (conspiratorially) -- all along you're the brains behind the operation and I'm the brains in front of the operation. I'm out here running the guts of the operation but you got a cut. It looks like my mind, but you're really behind. BARNEY I get it. I got the brains, but you just pretend to have them. FRED Attaboy! And a confident Fred shakes hands with an unsure "silent partner"... CUT TO: 96 EXT. FLINTSTONE/RUBBLE HOUSES - DAY 96 Barney comes out of his front door, heads toward the neighboring driveway and Fred's car. Betty comes out, calls to her husband. BETTY Barney, wait a minute... 97 CLOSER 97 He stops, turns. Betty comes over and we see he's wear- ing a sports jacket and an abysmally-tied tie. Betty fixes the knot. BETTY There. That looks more like a captain of industry. BARNEY Thanks, Betty. What would I do without you? BETTY Hmm. Probably run off to the tropics with one of those executive secretaries. (CONTINUED) 48. 97 CONTINUED: 97 BARNEY Come on, Betty, it's only my first day. You have to have seniority to run off... She giggles, kisses him. 98 FRED 98 is at the car door, lunch pail in hand, when Wilma calls out to him. WILMA Fred! Wait a minute! There's something wrong with your lunch -- FRED ("weighing it") Yeah... it does feel a little light... He returns to her, opens the pail, is surprised to find it's empty. Before he can comment, she smilingly presents him with a spanking new briefcase. "F.F" is embossed on it in gold. WILMA Fit for a king... my king. FRED Aw, Wilma... lookit, it's got buckles, a strap, a lock -- He opens it. Inside is a huge drumstick and some ribs. FRED -- Baby, you're the greatest. WILMA (kissing him) Good luck. (pause) Watch out for those... you know... hostile takeovers. FRED I'm already taken. He moves to the car. FRED Ah, Mister Rubble, I presume? Of the Fibrerock Rubbles? (CONTINUED) 49. 98 CONTINUED: 98 BARNEY Yes, yes. Looking good, Mister Flintstone. I see you've recovered from that polo accident. FRED Yas, yas. The water was too deep and my horse drowned. They crack up at their own wit, drive off. CUT TO: 99 SLATE QUARRY - LAVA'S OFFICE - DAY 99 Lava's on the phone, very worried. LAVA Ivan, look, okay, so I bought too much on margin... everyone said glaciers were here to stay, I mean, who knew? Just leverage my shares in Atlantis dry goods and -- what? When did that happen? Piltdown enters, knocks on the open door. PILTDOWN Mister Lava, the armored car is here. LAVA Armored car...? PILTDOWN Yeah. Must be a fortune in coo-coo berries on that baby. You know, for that Fibrerock stuff of Flintstone and Rubble's. You gotta sign here for it. LAVA (into phone) I... I'll get back to you. Lava comes over, signs the form. Meanwhile he looks out the window at -- 100 HIS POV - ARMORED CAR 100 The guards are unloading sacks of coo-coo berries. 50. 101 BACK TO SCENE 101 Lava signs the form, meanwhile looking Piltdown up and down. Finally -- LAVA Piltdown, this Fibrerock program is going to create a lot of changes around the plant. I want to make one more. You've been a wonderful thug and goon for me. Now, I'd like to expand your duties. I want you to become a provocateur. PILTDOWN Gee, Mister Lava, I donno. I kinda like girls myself. LAVA (patiently) What I mean, is, I'm going to use you to double-cross your Lodge and Union brothers, and make their lives a living hell. PILTDOWN Oh, okay. LAVA Good. You and your little pal will report directly to me and take orders only from me. (slapping him on the back) Now get out of here and start screwing your former friends and associates. Piltdown leaves, smiling. Lava rubs his chin, thoughtful. LAVA Coo-coo berries... CUT TO: 102 EXT. QUARRY - DAY 102 Fred and Barney appear in Fred's car, make a very quick turn into the quarry lot. 103 CLOSER 103 They both duck down behind the wheel. A moment later, Feldspar's patrol car comes barrelling by. (CONTINUED) 51. 103 CONTINUED: 103 Feldspar looks every which way, doesn't spot them. BARNEY (when he's gone) Gee, Fred, driving with you is better than an 'E' ticket at Magerock Mountain. FRED (getting out) Gets the old adrenaline going, Barn. Us big executives, we need that kind of jolt to get the old wheels turning. Lava comes INTO VIEW, carrying an armload of plans. LAVA Flintstone! Rubble! BARNEY Oh, hi, Mister Lava. LAVA Please, call me Jerry. Uncle -- I mean, Mister Slate told me to take you to your offices. If you'll follow me...? They move along. Fred notices a hotbed of activity nearby. Workers move scaffolding, animals labor. FRED Hey. What's going on? LAVA The Fibrerock assembly line. Unc -- Mister Slate's had a crew working on it all weekend. We're going to roll out the first sheets of Fibrerock by mid-week. FRED Yes, yes. Quick, dynamic entry into the marketplace. I approve. BARNEY But, Fred, it's right where the employee basketball court used ta be -- (CONTINUED) 52. 103 CONTINUED: (2) 103 FRED Hey, you're right... (resigned) ... Big business is hell, Barney. Trust me... you'll get used to it. BARNEY I guess so. You already did. Lava leads them to a wood-sided trailer. LAVA Well, gentlemen, here you are. As soon as you're settled, come over to the assembly line. We'll go over the Fibrerock formula before the first run. He goes off. Fred and Barney go -- 104 INSIDE TRAILER 104 There're two tiny little desks at the far end, separated by a flimsy divider. The single window here looks out over the quarry scrap heap. (As we watch, somebody dumps a load of debris.) Threadbare furniture on a worn rug sits under a portrait of "Our Founder" (Slate). 105 BACK TO SCENE 105 Fred and Barney look at all this in turn. Pause. Then they whirl, give each other high-fives. BARNEY All-right! FRED Welcome to the top -- partner. And as they shake, we -- CUT TO: 106 MONTAGE - ASSEMBLY LINE - DAY 106 Now, accompanied by heroic "industrial"-type MUSIC, we see the Fibrerock assembly line in full operation. This cannot be described now with appropriate justice, but it involves a series of animal-powered conveyor belts, Rube Goldberg-like funnels, spouts and chutes, and all sorts of gadgets, gizmos, bells and whistles, to wit: (CONTINUED) 53. 106 CONTINUED: 106 At one end of the building, dino-powered dumpsters and lifters drop off all the ingredients; these get stomped/ chewed/bashed and otherwise reduced to powder, which is then (courtesy of some squirting Mastodans) mixed with water into a foam, which bubbles through a long sawmill- type trough and is held back by a gate. Meanwhile, we see a sample item (in this case, a stone sofa) as it is placed before two "goatasauruses" which butt heads and smash the sofa between the two halves of a clay mold. When the mold is opened and the sofa tossed aside, Barney appears and personally "aims" the foam trough at a funnel in the top of the mold. Pausing to "taste" the mix, he smiles, then shouts -- BARNEY Ready... aim... fibre! Barney pulls a rope which opens the trough. "Fibrefoam" pours into the mold. 107 THE CLAY MOLD 107 gets "winched" unpwards by monkeys, and then an alliga- torsaurus whaps it with its tail. 108 BELOW 108 Presto! A Fibrerock copy of the stone sofa drops neatly out of the mold, bounces lightly on the conveyor belt below! It sparkles with the tell-tale celadon-green shimmer of Fibrerock. As it chugs along, the process repeats, and soon a score of identical sofas is in view. 109 END OF ASSEMBLY LINE 109 as a beaming Fred watches, workers easily stack the Fibrerock sofas (often one-handed). Nearby, we see Fibrerock window frames, doors, chairs, etc. 110 UP ANGLE - SLATE'S OFFICE BALCONY 110 Slate and Lava watch the progress, dollar signs in their eyes. DISSOLVE TO: 111 LONG MATTE SHOT - SLATE QUARRY - LATE AFTERNOON 111 Fibrerock products are stacked up everywhere, stretching away like the inventory in Charles Foster Kane's warehouse. We see everything from Fibrerock bricks to Fibrerock table lamps to Fibrerock toilets. MUSIC OUT. 54. 112 CLOSER - QUARRY YARD 112 Fred and Barney, weary, approach each other, shake hands as they view the day's incredible output. Other weary, but proud workers gather around them: Mr. Slate is about to address them from his office balcony. SLATE Men, this is a proud day for Slate Construction. You have seen the first pieces of Fibrerock roll off the assembly line and into history... a history you are all part of... thanks to your very own fellow worker, Fred Flintstone! 113 WORKERS - FAVORING FRED AND BARNEY 113 They cheer Slate's remarks, pat Fred on the back. 114 BACK TO SCENE 114 SLATE No longer will man and beast bend under the backbreaking load of stone and rock and timber... because Fibrerock is so light that even a child can handle it. (pause) That's why on Monday we're going to hire two dozen children from Bedrock Technical Junior High. They'll be replacing the 36 heavy equipment operators, 15 shaft diggers and 22 laborers we're laying off today. Your pink slips will be in your final pay envelopes along with a ticket to the grand opening of Slate City. It's non-transferable, so hang on to it. Thank you, and have a nice weekend. 115 THE QUARRY YARD 115 The workers stand slack-jawed and stunned. WORKER #1 Laid off --? WORKER #2 Pink slip --? WORKER #3 Thanks to Fred Flintstone? (CONTINUED) 55. 115 CONTINUED: 115 WORKER #4 Flintstone! What kinda shop steward are you? All eyes swivel and bore into Fred, who is as shocked as anyone. BARNEY Fred. You gotta do something about this! FRED I do? (realizing) I mean, I do, yeah! He squares his shoulders, marches off. BARNEY (proudly) That's my Fred... 116 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - DAY 116 Slate is practicing hitting golf balls into an automatic putting cup. Lava and some office workers are checking a blueprint against a model of "Slate City" which is made out of Fibrerock. A ball shoots back at Slate, who tees up again. 117 INSIDE THE PUTTING CUP 117 A little MOUSE in a complete hockey outfit jumps to catch the ball. Stopping it with his little hockey stick, the Mouse gasps, raises its hockey mask. MOUSE Whew. And it's still pre-season. He whaps the ball to Slate again. 118 BACK TO SCENE 118 Slate tees up the ball again. Fred barges in, banging the door. Startled, Slate drives the ball instead of putting it. It sails across the room and SHATTERS a PICTURE of Mrs. Slate. SLATE (furious) Flintstone! (CONTINUED) 56. 118 CONTINUED: 118 FRED (undeterred) Mr. Slate -- we gotta talk -- SLATE We do, eh? About what? FRED About those guys outside, Mr. Slate. Some of 'em, well, they been here for years. And you, well, you can't lay them off just like -- (snapping fingers) -- that! Slate looks at Lava, who shrugs. Slate looks back at Fred, stays surprisingly calm. He toys with the putter, balances it on his palm. SLATE Of course I can, Fred. I can lay them off like -- (snapping fingers) -- that, or like -- (a different style snap) -- that, or like -- He does a really nifty snap which combines with a buck- and-wing with the putter. SLATE -- that. FRED (bravura slipping) Oh, you can, huh? LAVA Of course he can, Flintstone. It's his quarry. SLATE (still calm, warm) That's right. Why -- (chuckling) I could lock the front door and go fishing if I wanted! Lava laughs along with the office staff and Slate. Fred chuckles a little to fit in. (CONTINUED) 57. 118 CONTINUED: (2) 118 SLATE (winking) Why, I could even fire Lava here if I wanted. Lava quivers with mock surprise. Everyone really laughs, now. SLATE Or... (wiping away a tear) I could fire you, Fred. FRED (guffawing) Me! Ah, ha, that's rich, Mr. Slate, that's -- Suddenly Fred stops laughing. SLATE Flintstone, Lava, here, recommended that you be in charge of public relations to get Fibrerock off to a good start. I'm a member of that public, Flintstone, and I have to say... this isn't a good start. I'm getting a bad feeling about Fibrerock. A bad feeling about... you. You want that feeling to go away, don't you? FRED Uh... well, gee, I... uh, yeah. SLATE Good. Then turn around and walk out of here and we'll forget all about this. Fred swallows, looks at Lava, goes meekly out. 119 EXT. QUARRY YARD - DAY 119 All the Workers watch expectantly as Fred comes out. They AD LIB -- WORKERS Well? What'd he say...? Ol' Freddie boy told him a thing or two... Probably got us a raise... Right, Fred...? Fred...? (CONTINUED) 58. 119 CONTINUED: 119 FRED Akkk... something... noble... man ... job... nose... wheel... shoulder... grindstone... hommm... yggggg... BARNEY (worried) Fred? Fred staggers over to his locker, opens it... gets in, and closes the door. We hear a MUFFLED SOB. 120 A NEW ANGLE 120 As the workers slowly realize the mighty Casey has struck out. CUT TO: 121 EXT. FLINTSTONE & RUBBLE LAWNS - DAY 121 Betty and Wilma stand, determined, while the kids gripe. PEBBLES But, Mommy, I wanna go roller skating... BAM-BAM (mouth full) Yeagh... 'hend thugh guys wher ghoing -- (swallow, munch) -- to play rockball at Paleolithic Park -- Betty wipes Bam-Bam's mouth, smiles sweetly. BETTY Well, you're both going to change your plans. Your new school is going to have a talent show... and you're going to have some talent. WILMA You don't have to win... honorable mention or most Kongenial Kids is perfectly acceptable. PEBBLES (aside) As long as we beat the pants offa Mrs. Slate's nephew... (CONTINUED) 59. 121 CONTINUED: 121 WILMA Young lady, this is not about beating pants, this is about becoming a well rounded child. Now, what kind of act will you do? BAM-BAM How about a disappearing act? He takes a tentative step away but Betty grabs him. BETTY We're waiting. Pebbles and Bam-Bam sigh, huddle. We hear snatches of discussion... PEBBLES BAM-BAM ... Wanna recite something? Nah, what are we, little 'Inky Dinky Spidersaurus...'? kids? How 'bout magic tricks? We could cut up a newspaper -- PEBBLES But then we'd need a hammer BAM-BAM and chisel... oh, what about That dumb thing? You that thing with Dino? think so...? Pebbles turns, the decision made. PEBBLES Okay. We're gonna sing a song with Dino. Instantly, on cue, Dino leaps out of nowhere, holding a straw hat and a cane. Wilma and Betty look at each other, skeptical. Bam-Bam reaches into his shirt and takes out a whistle. He blows it -- PEBBLES A one-and-a-two and-a -- 122 WIDER 122 MUSIC comes UP and Dino and his little friends do a dance routine we will call "The Dino Dance." It is a spectac- ular blend of soft-shoe and the kind of dog-and-pony-show gags usually seen in the circus or on the Ed Sullivrock show. Most importantly, the routine includes the following: A) Dino leaps back and forth through a hoop. (CONTINUED) 60. 122 CONTINUED: 122 B) The kids tie down a jump rope and Dino does a wire walk. C) And finally, Dino uses his tail to flip the kids onto his back, culminating in a big "ta-da" after they all slide down the rope for a big finish. 123 NEW ANGLE 123 THE KIDS (winding up) You can keep the Twist, The Frug and Hop I don't need to Shimmy, I don't need to Bop 'Cause I'm doin' doin' doin' The Igneous Rock! Panting for breath, Pebbles, Bam-Bam and Dino wait for a reaction. BETTY (to Wilma, impressed) Well? Think they're ready for the talent show? WILMA I think they're ready for Rock Vegas. As they laugh and hug the kids and Dino, we -- CUT TO: 124 EXT. LODGE HALL - THAT NIGHT 124 HERDMASTER (V.O.) Fellow Water Buffalo. In a few moments we will cast our votes for the lodge officers. 125 INT. LODGE HALL 125 TIGHT ON Fred as he leans back in his usual chair. HERDMASTER The election committee will make the preparations. FRED (confident) Since when do you have to prepare for a landslide, right, guys? (CONTINUED) 61. 125 CONTINUED: 125 Pause as Fred waits for a reply. He turns... SHOT WIDENS as he realizes no one is sitting near him. He looks around and sees -- 126 HIS POV - FRED'S POSTER 126 It's been altered to read "Fred Finkstone." Also added to Fred's image are horns, a beard and other choice touches. 127 BACK TO SCENE 127 Fred looks around, sees Barney approaching, having just left a group of angry Buffalo. FRED Barn -- w-what's going on? BARNEY They're mad at you, Fred... it's understandable, I mean, they all got laid off today -- Fred crosses to the other guys, puts on a big smile. FRED Guys, guys, come on now -- what's a quarry fulla layoffs got to do with a lodge fulla Buffaloes? BARNEY Is that a riddle? Give me a second -- PYRITE (stepping forward) I'll tell ya what! Mosta the guys in this lodge work for Mr. Slate -- PILTDOWN -- You mean used to work for him -- until somebody opened their big mouth -- FRED Fellas, come on. We're all big boys here -- He gestures vaguely towards the outside world, then back to the little band of brothers here. FRED Surely we can separate in our minds work, and play... Job, and Lodge... (CONTINUED) 62. 127 CONTINUED: 127 PILTDOWN (pointing at Fred) Candidate and double-crossing back stabber? (turning) Herdmaster! I move we commence the meeting... and the election! PYRITE I second the motion! HERDMASTER All in favor, say -- FRED Wait, wait... Your Antlerness, please, one second -- ! Fred grabs Barney by the shoulder, spins him around, pushes him forward like a refrigerator on a dolly, stands him up center stage. FRED Barney, you gotta tell the other guys what really happened. Tell 'em the story behind Fibrerock. The true story. The room quiets. Barney clears his throat. Fred waits, hopeful. BARNEY Well, there's not much to tell. (trying to remember Fred's phraseology) True, I got a cut... but Fred's got a gut. FRED No, no, the rest --! BARNEY Oh, yeah, I remember! I got the mind, but Fred's got the behind. Right, Fred? Barney turns, gives Fred a big wink. Fred groans. HERDMASTER Thank you, Brother Rubble. The Buffaloes will now have their secret vote. (a command) Fit... furs! (CONTINUED) 63. 127 CONTINUED: (2) 127 Everyone pulls their horned fezzes down over their eyes. HERDMASTER Paw... ground! Everyone does a bull-like stomp and scrape. HERDMASTER All for Piltdown, bellow now! The room ECHOES with MOOSE-LIKE SNORTS. HERDMASTER All for Flintstone, bellow now! Fred snorts, sounding like Herb Alpert's lonely bull. Even under his furry fez we see him "looking around" desperately, hoping to hear one more snort. He kind of sneaks in one more forlorn grunt which fades away... finally, as Fred squirms miserably, there is one more lonely snort... ... from Barney, of course. HERDMASTER Order furs! The fezzes come up. HERDMASTER The snorts have it! Brother Piltdown, it is my privilege to install you as the new Exalted Herdmaster Erect Antler and Big Buck of our Lodge. If you'll come forward, I will present you with the tokens of office. Cheers and applause as Piltdown goes to the podium. 128 FAVORING FRED AND BARNEY 128 Fred's a broken man. Barney moves over, puts his arm around him. BARNEY I voted for you, Fred. FRED Big deal, after you screwed everything up in the first place...! Barney reacts, really hurt. He moves away on the bench. Fred's so agitated he doesn't even realize it. 64. 129 WIDER 129 Piltdown accepts the festooned fez and shoulder ribbon, smiles at the group. PILTDOWN Thank you, Brother Chairman. Fellow Buffaloes, I'm a man of few words. It's no secret that most of our lodge members are also members of Amalgamated Neolithic 101... which means that most of us aren't gonna be able to make our cave payments next month. So my agenda for tonight... ends right now. There's a time to be a Buffalo... there's a time ta be a brown nosin' double-crossin' creep... All heads turn and swivel to look at Fred... swivel back. PILTDOWN ... and there's a time to stand up and be a man! So let's go down there and make the Slate shop into slate scrap... then we'll see how he gets along without the heavy equipment operators of Neolithic 101! Meeting adjourned! With angry grumbles and threats, the meeting breaks up. Fezzes are thrown into cubby holes and hard hats are slapped on. The Buffalo run out. When the dust clears, we see that only one member has avoided the herding instinct: Barney. Now, he turns, runs into -- 130 BUFFALO LODGE - RECREATION AREA - NIGHT 130 Fred is at the bar, opening a beer. He looks wistfully at the old, framed picture on the wall -- reacts as he sees -- 131 PICTURE 131 Even his childhood shot has been defaced. 132 BACK TO SCENE 132 He sets his jaw with a "screw 'em" expression, downs his beer. Then Barney runs up, shakes him by the shoulders. (CONTINUED) 65. 132 CONTINUED: 132 BARNEY Fred! Fred! The Buffalo are heading for big trouble -- ! FRED No kidding. They rejected the best candidate -- BARNEY No, no, not that! Piltdown's got the guys all worked up and they're heading down to the quarry! They're gonna wreck the assembly line! FRED (genuinely worried) Oh, no! That -- that's horrible! (pause) We could end up with half a percent of nothing! BARNEY No, Fred, if they do that they'll be breakin' the law! Our brother Buffalo could go to jail! FRED Oh, yeah, yeah, that, too... come on, Barn, we gotta stop 'em! CUT TO: 133 EXT. SLATE QUARRY - NIGHT 133 Silent, empty. CAMERA PANS FROM the still yard TO the gate. Down the road, we see Piltdown leading the angry mob. Quickly, they go to the gate, climb up and over it! PILTDOWN Okay! Let's start with Slate's golf trophies and work our way up to the assembly line! AD LIB angry cheers, and the mob storms into the plant, knocking aside equipment and supplies. 134 IN CAR - FRED AND BARNEY - NIGHT 134 Both pedaling like mad. (CONTINUED) 66. 134 CONTINUED: 134 FRED I don't believe this... how did things ever get this out of hand -- ? BARNEY I know. Makes you wish things were back the way they were... before we was big executives. FRED Well, I wouldn't go that far... Suddenly they're interrupted by the sound of a SIREN. Fred looks back and sees -- 135 FELDSPAR AND GRAVEL 135 Coming up from rear. Feldspar grabs his megaphone as he pulls abreast of Fred. FELDSPAR Flintstone! Pull over! FRED Oh, no, not now... Feldspar signals Fred onto the shoulder. Fred smiles, nods... 136 CLOSE ON FRED'S FEET 136 He slams them down through the floorboard -- 137 WIDER 137 Fred's CAR SKIDS, spins out, whirling around like a record on a turntable. It jerks to a halt 180 degrees later, and then ROARS off in the opposite direction. 138 FELDSPAR 138 So astonished he follows this action with his head... a bad move because -- GRAVEL Sarge! Look out -- ! 139 NEW ANGLE 139 The patrol CAR runs off the road, CRASHING into a stone fire hydrant. Water squirts into the air. Feldspar and Gravel are drenched. They're just coming to their senses when the ground heaves -- the car's front wheels rise -- 67. 140 NEW ANGLE 140 As we see that the water spout is actually coming from the blowhole of a whale which now sticks a bit of its head up from under the broken curb. WHALE I'm gonna sue you for everything you got -- CUT TO: 141 SLATE QUARRY - NIGHT 141 Led by Piltdown, the workers have grabbed a big timber which they're using like a battering ram on the doors of the assembly line building. Suddenly, with a crash, the doors go down! Piltdown and Pyrite stand back while the angry workers rush past them. PILTDOWN (loudly) Now we'll show 'em who's boss! PYRITE They can't push us around! Piltdown and Pyrite smash a few items to get everybody juiced up, and then... when no one is looking... ... they slip out the back! 142 REAR OF QUARRY - NIGHT 142 Fred pulls into the lot, slams his feet down to stop -- we hear SKIDDING -- they fishtail all over, slam right through a storage area for crates and barrels which collapse all around them. Finally they slam broadside into the main Quarry build- ing, knocking a hole in the wall. 143 NEW ANGLE 143 Fred and Barney cough in the rising dust. Neither one of them sees what we see, which is that visible in the hole in the wall is the Slate Company's granite-doored safe... ... and right beside it is the Xenosaurus, which now jumps up, startled, dropping a crowbar and a big hand drill. Recovering its composure, the Xenosaurus grabs up the tools as well as a big canvas bag and tiptoes away, vanishing just as our heroes stir. (CONTINUED) 68. 143 CONTINUED: 143 FRED (double-taking) Barn! Did you see that -- ? (peering through the dust) -- Huh, now it's gone... I coulda sworn... BARNEY Come on Fred. Time to earn those big bucks. They rush into the plant. 144 INT. ASSEMBLY LINE - NIGHT 144 As the workers continue their rampage, Piltdown and Pyrite reappear. PYRITE Darn that Flintstone and Rubble... they're gonna screw everything up... PILTDOWN Not if we give 'em a nice long vacation... in the hospital. Saying this, he grips tightly on a wrench. Then some rampaging workers rush by. Piltdown gives them an encour- aging cheer, and then he and Pyrite lead them up some stairs to the assembly line catwalk. There, Pyrite begins SMASHING some LIGHT FIXTURES with a club, while Piltdown uses brute strength to snap big support beams which he flings below. 145 CLOSE - PYRITE 145 Winds up for another baseball-type swing -- but as he follows through, the ball-shaped light fixture jerks up on its cable. Unable to stop in time, Pyrite spins around, falls on his ass. Barney drops down INTO VIEW, hanging horizontally from the rafters. He's holding the light fixture with his free hand. BARNEY Stee-rike one! Heh-hey. Ready for a curve ball? Pyrite doesn't have a sense of humor; club in hand, he jumps up, starts chasing Barney through the rafters. 69. 146 PILTDOWN 146 Spits on his hand, grabs another big beam. He pulls down on it... but it doesn't snap, it goes right up again. Puzzled, he pulls down on it again... there's another see-saw motion... ... This time Piltdown goes with the flow, pushes up and peers under the beam... 147 NEW ANGLE 147 Fred is hanging on the other end. FRED Brother Piltdown... can we talk about this, antler to antler? Piltdown roars, begins slamming the girder up and down. FRED Guess not... Fred inches down the shuddering beam, jumps off. Freed of Fred's weight, the other end "BOINGS" down on Piltdown's head. He groans, recovers in time to chase after Fred. 148 BARNEY AND PYRITE 148 Square off in the rafters. BARNEY Give me your best shot. Pyrite swings. Barney ducks and Pyrite SMASHES a WINDOW pane. Barney dodges again and the same thing happens. Getting cocky, Barney does it one more time... ... but this time the window is hinged in the center and the swivel action after the hit whaps Barney on the back and knocks him into Pyrite's next blow. 149 FRED 149 Is backpedaling away from Piltdown on the upper super- structure of the assembly line. Fred scrapes one foot in an arc in front of him. FRED Dare you to cross that line. Piltdown crosses it. FRED That line. (CONTINUED) 70. 149 CONTINUED: 149 Piltdown crosses it. Fred "marks" another one. Piltdown doesn't even wait for the challenge, takes a giant step. Oops. Bad idea: The last "line" was at the edge of a straight drop! Piltdown yelps, "treads air" in the best cartoon manner -- and then desperately grabs a handful of Fred's clothing! Both men fall -- at the last minute Piltdown catches a ladder! 150 BELOW - ASSEMBLY LINE 150 Fred lands with a thud right in the clay mold used to form the Fibre products! Worse, the impact arouses the goatasauruses out of their sleep. Dutifully, they rise, and then ram both sides of the mold just as Fred is struggling to his feet! Fred's yell is muffled by the clay. 151 OTHER ASSEMBLY LINE ANIMALS 151 Aroused by the "start up" of the assembly line, they do their job. Fibre foam begins to chug down the trough: The alligator crane picks up the mold, shakes it. 152 FRED 152 is flung to the conveyor belt, stiffly caked in clay. 153 THE FIBRE MOLD 153 shudders -- and shakes out a Fibre statue of... Fred! 154 BELOW 154 The real Fred, moving stiffly like a robot, is getting to his feet when his Fibre doppleganger slams him to the mat again! A moment later, another "Fred" drops down beside him. 155 PILTDOWN 155 Has descended the ladder, hopping mad. Now, he sees Fred coming toward him... Piltdown breaks a big lever off the equipment, swings -- reacts astonished as "FRED" SHATTERS. 156 FRED 156 Back down the line, he's seen this. His clay-caked Adam's apple gulps. Quickly, he turns and tries to "tip-toe" away -- then, with a CREAK and CRUNCH -- the clay and Fibre all over him solidifies! Desperate, he tries to move... can't! 71. 157 PILTDOWN 157 Watches, confused, as dozens of Fred Flintstones chug towards him on the belt. He shrugs, smashes the next one in line. Another phoney. He smashes the next one... CUT TO: 158 UP ABOVE - BARNEY 158 Dodging Pyrite's renewed attack. Now, Barney becomes aware of the activated assembly line. Getting an idea, he moves behind an inspection table, grabs a big rubber stamp. Pyrite comes around the corner... Barney's head butts him in the gut, dodges under his legs! Then, as Pyrite stumbles, Barney stamps his ass with the word "REJECT." Pyrite looks back, sees this, reddens... raises his club. PYRITE Reject, huh? Whaddya say we reject your head? He raises the club... when an alligator swings down and grabs him by the seat of his pants! Pyrite drops the club, howls -- 159 WIDER 159 The alligator crane swings him away and over a big bin marked REJECTS -- and drops him. Howling, Pyrite falls into a big bin of broken and defective Fibrerock goods. 160 BARNEY 160 Chuckles to himself... and then looks down, reacts. CAMERA ADJUSTS and we see that Piltdown has smashed yet another of the duplicate Freds. Worried, Barney looks around, sees that he's just above the Fibrefoam chute. Without another thought, he jumps into it -- slides downward like a passenger on the Magerock Mountain Log Flume ride -- 161 BELOW 161 Piltdown is about to swing at the real Fred -- when Barney sails out of the end of the chute and slams into him and Fred! All three of them roll across the floor towards -- 72. 162 THE END OF THE BUILDING 162 where a squad of policemen has just appeared -- led by a dripping wet Feldspar and Gravel! FELDSPAR All right! You're all under arr -- Wham! Barney, Fred and Piltdown roll right into the cops, who go flying like (what else?) tenpins, complete with appropriate sound. BARNEY (sitting up) Whattya know. Even got the spare again... Then he gasps as he looks over at Fred, whose head has just fallen off! Pause. Fred's real head slowly pokes up out of the clay and Fibre shoulders. Before he can extricate himself further, Feldspar and his men are dragging them out of the building. CUT TO: 163 INT. BEDROCK POLICE STATION - NIGHT 163 Wooden bars delineate the holding cells. "Wanted" posters of stone are hanging on the walls. As we watch, the contrite buffalos are bailed out by friends and relations. Wilma and Betty are just now clunking down stone money on the night sergeant's desk. BETTY Barney, I don't understand... what came over you boys? EXITING BUFFALO 'Night, Barney. (to Fred) So long, fatso. BUFFALO #2 See ya, Barn. (pause) Flintstone, you're dead meat. BUFFALO #2 'Night, pal. 'Night, slimeball. WILMA Fred, is there something you want to tell me about the lodge meeting? (CONTINUED) 73. 163 CONTINUED: 163 FRED I don't wanna talk about it. Besides, who cares about a bunch of jerks running around with furs on their heads? I'm more of a country club guy myself anyway... He goes out, hardly looking at Barney. Wilma and Betty look at each other, mystified... then Wilma follows Fred out, puzzled. 164 EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT 164 Lava stands in the shadows beside his Porscherock. Piltdown and Pyrite are with him. In the b.g., Fred and Wilma drive away. LAVA A simple little heist -- I gave you everything but the keys and you blew it -- PILTDOWN Hey, we got the union guys to break in and create a distraction, didn't we? Who knew Flintstone and Rubble would show up, too? LAVA The day after Slate City opens there's going to be an audit. If the stuff isn't gone by then we'll all be doing time until the Bronze Age. PYRITE Don't worry, Mister Lava... we're on top of it. They both turn and start down an alley... jamming together as they do. Lava sighs... then jumps as Barney comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. BARNEY Excuse me, Mister Lava -- ? I think you oughta know... something could be wrong with the Fibrerock mix. LAVA (thrown) How do you know that? (recovering) I mean... ah, why do you say that? (CONTINUED) 74. 164 CONTINUED: 164 BARNEY It tastes different. LAVA Tastes... different? BARNEY Yup. See, ever since I started with Fibrerock -- I mean, since me and Fred started with it, I always take a little taste of the Fibre foam. And tonight's batch, well... I didn't get much of it, but it seems a little off. (smacking his lips) Can't fool the old taste buds, heh-heh. I think there might be an ingredient missing. So tomorrow, I'll run a couple of tests and stuff -- LAVA Rubble, Rubble! We're fighting a deadline to finish Slate City... and we're not pulling the plug on production to satisfy your tastebuds! If you ask me, you and your tastebuds are overworked ... overwrought... how long have you been with us, anyway? BARNEY Nine days, Mister Lava. LAVA Jumping Jurrasic, no wonder you're so run down. He puts his arm around Barney, leads him towards the car where Betty is waiting. LAVA I'm authorizing a nice vacation for you, Rubble. Starting tomorrow. You can catch some rays, maybe invent something... hey, how about Fibrerock, the sequel, part II -- ? BARNEY But -- LAVA No, don't try and thank me. CUT TO: 75. 165 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - DAY 165 Slate and Lava are examining a newer and larger model of Slate City. It's even more grandiose than its predecessor. Now the housing development has two huge office buildings beside it, and then a convention center beyond that. LAVA ... As you can see, the Fibrerock is so light we're using it for construction, for furnishings... for everything. You can't stack a two-bedroom cave this high... but the sky's the limit with Fibrerock! SLATE 'Sky's the limit'... 'sky's the limit'... why, these two buildings, they... they practically scrape the sky! We should call them... Slate scrapers! LAVA That's brilliant, Unc... Mister Slate. In fact, maybe you can help me with the centerpiece of the complex... (indicating the convention center) ... I wanna call 'em the FibreSphere and the '____' something Needle... but I just can't... SLATE (modestly) How about, 'Slate Needle'? LAVA 'Slate Need...' (astonished) ... How do you keep coming up with these? It's uncanny. SLATE (shrugging) It's a gift... LAVA (casually) Oh, that reminds me, sign these, will you... just a few overruns ... minor cost problems... that's it... thank you... (CONTINUED) 76. 165 CONTINUED: 165 Slate's so busy admiring his moment to himself he hardly listens to what Lava's saying, just runs his stylus through the wet clay of the statements, meanwhile "framing" the model city in his hands. LAVA (heading for the door) ... Oh, Mister Slate, we're going to hold the Bedrock Junior Talent Show in the uh, 'Slate Needle.' Good for public relations -- Lava breaks off. He's just looked out the window and seen -- 166 LAVA'S POV - QUARRY BELOW WINDOW 166 A small figure appears behind some of the equipment, tiptoeing from console to cabinet and thus towards the assembly line. Wearing sunglasses with attached nose and a hook-on beard, it at first appears to be some sort of bizarre hermit or bum... and then we realize, hey, this is Barney! 167 LAVA 167 Looks around, spots Piltdown and Pyrite, now resplendent in security guard uniforms. Lava whistles softly to get their attention, can't. Then he sees one of Slate's golf trophies. He shrugs, throws it. 168 BELOW - PILTDOWN 168 Reacts as the trophy bounces off his head, then looks up to see Lava gesticulating. Piltdown nods, grabs Pyrite in tow. 169 BARNEY 169 Looking around carefully, Barney takes out a Thermos bottle, unscrews the top, and quickly dunks it into the Fibrerock foam. Then he tiptoes O.S., right into the massive bulk of -- 170 PILTDOWN 170 -- who looks down at him with a big smile, Pyrite at his side. PILTDOWN Can we help you... sir? (CONTINUED) 77. 170 CONTINUED: 170 BARNEY (fake crotchety voice) Ah, yup, yup, young feller... jest show me the way to the personnel office... I'm lookin' fer a job as a custodian... PYRITE Our pleasure. Then they grab Barney with such force that the THERMOS drops and SHATTERS, drag him O.S. -- 171 SLATE QUARRY - MAIN GATE - DAY 171 Barney is tossed outside, landing in a heap amidst the picketing workers of Neolithic 101. PILTDOWN (chuckling) Ya can start by cleaning the street with your pants! Still laughing, Piltdown and Pyrite cross over to Lava, who has come out of the office building. LAVA That takes care of the half-pint. (pause) Now to deal with the half-wit. CUT TO: 172 INT. LAVA'S OFFICE - DAY 172 Lava walks Fred from the door into the color-coordinated high-style room. FRED (on the move) ... But Barney doesn't want to take a vacation -- he says he's gotta be here to check up on the Fibrefoam -- LAVA (pointedly) -- Oh? Or check up on us? Emotionally, Lava turns, indicates a picture of Slate on the wall. (CONTINUED) 78. 172 CONTINUED: 172 LAVA Flintstone, that... that's a slap in the face of our founder... our employer... our uncle. (turning back, another tone) Unless, of course, you agree with Rubble... that Mister Slate isn't capable of running this operation ... that I'm not capable of running it? FRED (nervous) Of course not, Mister Lava. But -- LAVA Call me Jerry. Sit down, please... Fred complies. Lava winces as his designer FURNITURE CREAKS under Fred's weight, but he only says -- LAVA (offering one) ... Cigar? FRED Why, yeah, sure, Jerry. LAVA Fred, let me get to the bottom slime. Some men -- you and me, for instance -- we're cut out for the big time, the big bucks... (eyeing Fred's girth) ... the big everything. Lava smiles, prepares the tips on two cigars. He puts each one in turn in a gizmo on his desk. 173 CLOSER - GIZMO 173 It's actually a frame supporting a little LIZARD. The Lizard bites the tip off the cigar, practically chokes on it, finally manages to spit it out with difficulty. LIZARD (aside) When they say smoking is bad for your health, they're not kidding... 79. 174 BACK TO SCENE 174 LAVA And others? Wellll... Now Lava takes out a lighter, leans across the desk. 175 CLOSER - LIGHTER 175 As Lava works the mechanism, two wooden twigs rub rapidly across each other and ignite. 176 BACK TO SCENE 176 LAVA ... Now, I know your pal Barney had a small part in the preliminary research and development of Fibrerock... FRED Well, actually, I wouldn't say small part... I'd say... LAVA Yes? FRED ... Kind of a medium-sized... well, almost medium-sized... well, really a semi-partial assistant counsulting type, of -- LAVA (giving Fred a playful punch) You're too kind, Flintstone, that's what I like about you. But you're a big guy with a big decision to make. Are you gonna keep covering for Barney, keep pulling his acornsauruses out of the fire... or are you going to concentrate on your own important duties? FRED Well, gee, that's tough one -- (pause) -- Uh, what are my important duties? LAVA Publicity, Flintstone, publicity! (MORE) (CONTINUED) 80. 176 CONTINUED: 176 LAVA (CONT'D) And that's why I've got a little surprise for you... for the man who made Fibrerock a household word, I want you to meet the man who's going to make you a household word... Lava throws the door open. Fred's jaw drops as he sees -- FRED R-rockin' Leach? Indeed, it is he, and he smiles, extends his hands. LEACH 'Ello, Fred. I've 'eard a lot h'about you from Mister Lava. H'at's why we're going to put you on our program. FRED M-me? On -- on television? LAVA (patting his back, sotto) Right, Fred. As long as you forget all this nonsense about Barney. FRED (still in a dazed thrill) Barney who? CUT TO: 177 EXT. FLINTSTONE HOUSE - DAY 177 Three big dino-mounted trucks are parked in front. You have to read the words on all three: "ROCKSTYLES OF..." "THE RICH..." "AND FAMOUS." Technicians roll out gear, set up big spotlights, etc. 178 CLOSER - YARD 178 Rockin' Leach is surveying the place with an aide. Fred and Wilma are with them. Leach makes a "frame" with his hands, "pans" the area. (CONTINUED) 81. 178 CONTINUED: 178 LEACH Hmm. Lovely little guest 'ouse, Mister Flintstone. So simple, so ordinary, so unexceptional... why, h'it's almost quaint. Let's say we start with the camera 'ere, except... Leach breaks off, looks over the fence at the Rubble homestead. He shakes his head sadly. FRED W-what's wrong? LEACH Well, just look at that yard over there... barbecues and trikes, not exactly the right image... FRED (pointing) Maybe you could move those plants to block them out...? LEACH Good idea. Rodney, get 'hoppin' with those greens. The aide nods, gathers some workers. They start moving the potted plants. Puzzled, Wilma comes over. WILMA Fred, this was supposed to be a 'typical evening' at the Flintstones, and you invited fifty people I don't even know. Now what's going on? Where are they taking my ficus-sauruses? FRED It's the Rubble yard, Wilma. It's just not the right image... He starts away, suddenly notices his own barbecue and trikes... quickly, without missing a stride, he tosses a tarp over them, slides a potted plant over for good measure. 179 BARNEY AND BETTY'S HOUSE - SAME TIME 179 Betty, hair and face done, but still in a slip, is putting a reluctant Bam-Bam into a cute little blazer. In the f.g., Barney finishes tying a black tie, then struggles into a dinner jacket. (CONTINUED) 82. 179 CONTINUED: 179 BETTY I don't know why you want to go to this thing... after the way Fred's been treating you lately -- BARNEY Fred's in a high-powered executive job, Betty. There's a lot of pressure on him. BETTY Yeah... and it's all around his belt. If it wasn't for poor Wilma I wouldn't give him the Geological Time -- BARNEY Trust me, Betty. After the Fibrerock debut, he'll be the same old Fred. Both react to the sound of HAMMERING and SAWING. Curious, they go out the sliding bedroom door into the yard and see -- 180 THEIR POV - THE FENCE 180 The television crew has just finished nailing boards up over the top of the fence. Now the big potted plants are dropped into place. With each hammer stroke or thud a little more of the late afternoon sun is shut off until Barney and Betty are in shadow. Finally a canvas tarp is tossed as gracefully as pizza dough, sails into the Rubble yard and covers their bird bath. One last stray end lands on Barney's head. CUT TO: 181 QUICK CUTS - FLINTSTONE YARD - ANGLE ON "KLEIG LIGHTS" 181 Inside each one, a little BIRD in hardhat and smoked visor lights up the arc, gets knocked on his butt when it catches. BIRD (slowly getting up) I've heard of a flash in the pan, but this is ridiculous... 182 ON DINO 182 He's squirming uncomfortably under the attentions of two crew members who are busy with scissors and combs and brushes. (CONTINUED) 83. 182 CONTINUED: 182 Finally, they're done and leave him. He has been cut and trimmed like a French poodle. He gets a glimpse of himself in the swimming pool and freaks out. Then he arches his back, shakes out the hairstyle. 183 CLOSER ON ROCKIN' LEACH 183 The MAIN TITLE of the show can be heard O.S. ANNOUNCER (O.S.) And now... the man who brings you the romance and excitement you crave... from the casinos of Monte Carlrock to the glamour of Hollyrock, here's your guide to the Rockstyles of the Rich and Famous, Rockin' Leach! Leach takes his cue from the director -- LEACH (INTO CAMERA) Good evening. Tonight we come to you live from the ah... charming pied a terre of the man of the 'our, Fred Flintstone -- Leach pauses, hearing the sound of someone CHIPPING AWAY at a stone tablet... he looks up at -- 184 HIS POV - FRED 184 He has just carved "FREDERICK" into a stone cue card and points to it. 185 BACK TO SCENE 185 LEACH 'Ere we are at the 'ome of Bedrock's man o' the 'our, Frederick Flint-- More CHIPPING. Leach looks up and sees: 186 HIS POV - FRED 186 Now he's carved something grander. Leach sighs, goes on. LEACH 'Ere we are at the fabulous 'ome of Bedrock's man o' the 'our, Frederick von Flintstone -- 84. 187 NEAR THE HOUSE 187 Barney and Betty appear, Bam-Bam in tow. They come out into the yard. Betty waves at Wilma, who comes over, whispers. WILMA Thank heaven. There isn't one person I know here. BARNEY You mean beside Fred? WILMA I mean including Fred. They look over at -- 188 THE SET 188 Where Leach has pulled Fred on camera. Fred is posing, fluffing his ascot, etc. We notice a "FVF" embroidered patch on his jacket. LEACH Frederick, of course, is the man behind Fibrerock -- the invention that some predict will revolutionize life in the future. Frederick, 'ow does it feel to know that you 'ave personally brought the Stone Age as we know it to a long-deserved end? FRED (very affected accent) Well, Rockin', you're right, I have affected destiny for all mankind, and it's a sobering thought. However, if I may add a personal note at this time, I myself cannot personally take all the credit for Fibrerock... 189 WILMA, BARNEY, BETTY 189 react with hopeful expressions -- BARNEY (sotto, to them) See? What'd I tell ya? 85. 190 BACK TO SCENE 190 FRED No, I could never have done it without the inspiration and support of a very special person. I'm speaking, of course, of my close friend and associate, Mister Slate, founder and C.E.O. of Slate Construction... 191 WILMA, BARNEY, BETTY 191 Barney's face falls. So do Wilma and Betty's. CUT TO: 192 EXT. SLATE CITY - NIGHT 192 Slate City! In the far future, Manhattan will have New Jersey... Philadelphia will have Levittown... L.A. will have Burbank... but today Bedrock has... Slate City! 193 CLOSE ON "SLATE NEEDLE" AND FIBRESPHERE 193 Both decorated in pennants and bunting, connected to each other by a gangway six stories up. Block letters on the Fibresphere proclaim "Slate Construction brings you THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF FIBRE." A heroic statue of Slate himself stands close by the structures. (Sphere and needle, of course, are dead on parodies of the Trylon and Perisphere, centerpieces of the '39 World's Fair.) A limousine pedaled by two chauffeurs pulls up. Mr. and Mrs. Slate and Lava, and Lava's son, POINDEXTER, get out. It is immediately evident that the little obnoxious acorn hasn't fallen far from the tree. POINDEXTER Wow! Is this ever keen! Dad, you promise I can cut in all the lines? LAVA Of course, Poindexter, of course. They head for the mastodon and pully-powered elevator. Standing there are Piltdown and Pyrite, both in security guard uniforms. (Piltdown is carrying a vaguely-familiar satchel). Lava gives them a big look. They nod. As the elevator rises, his two cronies duck into a stairwell marked "NO ADMITTANCE." CUT TO: 194 RESUME - FLINTSTONE HOUSE 194 The party is in full swing. (CONTINUED) 86. 194 CONTINUED: 194 We see Pebbles and Bam-Bam squirming uncomfortably in their party clothes. They take some canapes off of a table, take a bite... spit them out. 195 FRED 195 Stands beaming, nodding to his guests. FRED Hello, hello. Bon soir. Good to see ya... glad you could make it... GUEST (unconvincingly) Hello, Frank... FRED Fred -- there's the bar, make yourself at home -- mi casa es votre casa, so, when in Rome and all that -- WILMA (coming over) Fred, can I talk to you -- ? Fred? Fred? (concerned) We have a serious problem with Betty and Barney. FRED (alarmed) You mean you can see their house -- ? WILMA (exasperated) I mean you're treating them horribly! What's come over you, Fred? Does a little money mean so much to you that you just turn your back on the things that really count? FRED Wilma, I'm shocked. I wouldn't do that. Okay, I admit it: I'm trying to make an impression here, I wanna look good, I wanna be a success... He takes her hand, looks into her eyes. For a moment, Wilma's face softens. (CONTINUED) 87. 195 CONTINUED: 195 FRED ... But deep down inside, I'm still the same lovable guy you married -- (pause) -- Frederick von Flintstone the third -- WILMA Arrrgh -- ! She throws up her hands, stalks away. FRED What'd I say? 196 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 196 Hangs up the sea shell phone, runs over to Leach. P.A. That was our location guy at Slate City. They just moved the ribbon cutting up by an hour. Guests are already starting to arrive. LEACH Fabulous! I've 'ad enough crab meat and crabgrass to last me a year. All right, boys, that's a wrap! 197 FRED 197 In the middle of a tight little group which is pigging out. Fred seems oblivious to the fact that they're oblivious to him. FRED ... Yas, yas, it's a challenging commodity market these days. Personally, I'm considering petrified forests, but they do say that volcano futures are ready to explode, ha, ha... Suddenly Fred notices that his "audience" has evaporated. He looks around, sees everyone headed for their cars, the TV crew packing up, etc. FRED ... Hey, whoa, what's happening -- (CONTINUED) 88. 197 CONTINUED: 197 LEACH'S AIDE What's happening isn't happening here. The action's over at Slate City. Oh, thanks for the booze, Ed -- FRED Fred! He stumbles through the thinning crowd, clutching at elbows. FRED Hey, what's the hurry? We got a cake shaped like a piece of Fibrerock... I got it, how about some charades? No, even better, twenty questions: 'Am I animal, mineral, or fossil'...? Oh, I heard a great one the other day ... a guy walks in a bar with a duckasaurus on his head and the bartender says -- this'll kill you, the bartender says -- Fred stops, running out of steam along with his moment of glory. He stands alone on the lawn. Wilma slowly comes up to him. WILMA Fred... I... I'm sorry it's not working out... Fred turns, puts on a big smile. FRED Whaddya mean, not working out? They're goin' party hopping, that's all. That's what ya do in society, Wilma... you cruise around. They'll go over to Slate's shindig for a while, then they'll come back here. WILMA Fred... FRED You go on over to Slate City, okay? WILMA Fred, I want to be here with you -- (CONTINUED) 89. 197 CONTINUED: (2) 197 FRED Nah, me and some of the guys from the country club, we're gonna play poker, yeah, big stakes poker until everybody comes back. Go on with the others. The kids got their show to put on anyway... and I wouldn't want people to think... to think the Flintstones were party poopers. She doesn't know what to say, or what she can say that won't shatter his shaky image. She sighs, kisses him, then calls out. WILMA Come on, Pebbles. We're going to another party. PEBBLES Will there be real food there? WILMA We'll find out together. She takes the girl's hand and goes to the door, where the last of Leach's crew is just going out. Suddenly Betty catches up to her, Bam-Bam in tow. BETTY Wilma, wait. I'm going with you. WILMA Why? BETTY If friends can't do something stupid, who can? Wilma smiles, touched. BETTY Besides... (lowering her voice) ... Maybe if we leave the boys alone...? Wilma nods, hopeful. 198 EXT. FLINTSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT 198 The film crew caravan is already leaving as Wilma, Betty and the kids get into the Rubble car. The last TV crew- man extinguishes the big spotlight. The house is dark, forlorn in the fading twilight. 90. 199 REAR OF YARD - NIGHT 199 Fred sits forlorn in the rubble of his party. Dino comes over, nuzzles his leg. FRED Just you and me now, Dino. Yeah. That's okay. Man and man's best friend. He gives Dino one of the canapes. Dino tastes it, makes a face, spits it out. DINO runs off, going "PTOOIE" all the way. We see him run to the corner, jump in Betty's car and drive away. 200 FRED 200 sighs, looks around, down at his blazer and the "FVF" patch. He suddenly rips it off in a fury. Then he looks at -- 201 THE WALL IN FRONT OF BARNEY'S PROPERTY 201 202 BACK TO SCENE 202 Fred stares at it, his face slowly darkening. Then he grabs a lawn chair from the yard, begins to smash it in a fury against the divider. The wall cracks, splinters; the potted plants go flying. 203 FRED 203 His anger spent, he stands panting, splattered with dirt... then he sees -- 204 NEW ANGLE - ANOTHER DIRT-COVERED FIGURE 204 -- standing in the ruins of the wall. The figure sneezes, whacks dirt off of itself. It's -- FRED (disbelieving) B... Barney? BARNEY (moving closer) Hiya, Fred. (noticing his ruined tuxedo) Boy, the rental place is gonna be mad... (eyeing the mess) ... You feeling better, pal? (CONTINUED) 91. 204 CONTINUED: 204 FRED 'Pal'? How can you call me that? Barney, I... I've been such a... such a... such a... BARNEY Creep? FRED Well, yeah. But more of a -- BARNEY (helpful tone) Fool? FRED Well -- BARNEY Slimeball? Louse? Jackass? (snapping fingers) Stuck-up blimpasaurus? FRED (wincing, but taking it) Barney... can... can you ever forgive me for being such a jerk? BARNEY (stepping closer) Sure, Fred. (smiling) I've had lots of practice. FRED (touched) Aw, Barn... And he grabs Barney in a big bear hug. Tears in both their eyes, they slap each other on the back, two prehistoric sensitive guys. CUT TO: 205 FIBRESPHERE & SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 205 Little cupola cars are chugging around the upper level of the Fibresphere, where they enter a tunnel-like open- ing labeled "THE WORLD OF FIBRE." Wilma, Betty, the kids and Dino are in one of these. Now, we FOLLOW them as they chug into -- 92. 206 THE FIBRESPHERE "WORLD OF FIBRE" RIDE 206 The cupolas rattle along in Disneyland style, passing a sign which reads: "FIBREROCK--TRANSFORMING THE HOME." Here, mechanical figures in an all-Fibre home move klutzily around the room. RECORDING (V.O.) (a la 'The Great Gildersleeve') Welcome! Welcome to the fabulous world of tomorrow... a world brought to you by Fibrerock! 207 REVERSE ANGLE 207 REVEALING that behind the hollow shells of the human family is a veritable family of monkeys, all working the figures like puppets. A PARROT at a stand-mounted microphone is giving the narration. PARROT (RECORDING) (V.O.) Here, we see a typical family of the future, free of the cares and worries of today... yes, the great kibble crisis is a thing of the past when you're living the good life... the Fibrelife! 208 NEXT EXHIBIT 208 The CARS CHUG past a display of tree trunks, leaves, bubbling gunk... and those iridescent vegetable pearls we've come to know... coo-coo berries. Iron bars and vault-like doors separate the coo-coo berries from the other items. ANOTHER PARROT Here, gathered from the four corners of the globe, are the secret ingredients of Fibrerock... some common, some rare... all making life easier for you and yours! 209 THIRD EXHIBIT 209 The little CARS CHUG into an elegant salon, complete with runway. There's another PARROT here in front of another megaphone, but this parrot is chic and flamboyant. FASHION PARROT But does Fibrerock belong only in the kitchen, the garage, the workplace? No, no, no, my darlings! 93. 210 FASHION MODELS ON RUNWAY 210 As each girl struts forward, she shrugs off a bulky animal fur and tosses it into a garbage can. Underneath are all kinds of daring and tantalizing fashions woven in the tell-tale fibre colors. The clothes are a blend of the future and retro (that is, prehistoric retro). FASHION PARROT Because the clothes of the Stone Age are as extinct as stones themselves! Yes, thanks to the wonder of Fibrerockfibre, the world of high fashion will be totally transformed... by Fibre furs... Fibre frocks... Fibre foundations and Fibreshoes... it's to die for! 211 FOURTH EXHIBIT 211 Now, we see a display of Fibrerock props of all kinds -- appliances, toys, tools, etc... all of it upstaged by a choir consisting of every animal, bird and critter we've seen in this film. Wilma, Betty, the kids and Dino ooh and ahh with the other guests as the mechanical animals all sing in unison -- FIBRE CHOIR (V.O.) 'It's a Fibre World you know, It's a Fibre World you know, It's a Fibre World you know -- ' CUT TO: 212 INT. BARNEY'S WORKSHOP - NIGHT 212 Fred and Barney are surrounded by books and cartons and memorabilia. They have their arms around each other and are singing. FRED & BARNEY 'Now it's time to do or die, grab that rock and kick it high, let's fight, fight, fight for Bedrock High!' They break up laughing. Fred chuckles, looks at one of the many old photographs strewn around. FRED Boy, those were the days, Barney. Bedrock High winning all those games... and you and me right in the middle of it. 94. 213 NEW ANGLE - FAVORING PHOTO 213 The photograph (dots in stone) shows the young Fred and Barney in their cheerleading costumes. Barney has a sweater and megaphone; Fred is in a Godzilla-like "mascot" costume. He's holding the hideously-sculpted head under his arm. BARNEY Yeah. Too bad we never made the team. FRED So what? We made the team spirit. That's just as important... whatever happened to those cheerleader costumes? BARNEY You know Betty. She never throws anything away. He hauls out an old footlocker, opens it. There they are. FRED (rummaging in it) Boy. Talk about memories. Fred tosses the cheerleader sweater to Barney, who grins, pulls it on. Fred also starts to get into his old "uniform," but has to suck his gut in mightily. Finally, he can zip it up, stern to stem. FRED Back then, we thought a pop quiz was a big problem. We didn't know how good we had it. No problems, no worries... Saying this, Fred attempts to put on the Godzilla-like head. He has a hard time sliding it into a hinge rail behind his neck, an even harder time swinging it down and forward. BARNEY Speaking of problems and worries, shouldn't we get on over to Slate's party? Fred has finally "clinked" the monster head down into place. Now, when he talks, the monster's mouth moves in sync. (CONTINUED) 95. 213 CONTINUED: 213 FRED (echo-y) What for? So him and all his fancy friends can look down their noses at us? Completely covered in the ferocious-looking suit, Fred steps over to Barney, stabs an angry claw in his direction. FRED (echo-y) All they've been doing is using us, Barney. And meanwhile -- Now Fred reaches up to take the head off. It sticks for a moment. Finally he gets it to flip back on its hinge where it hangs behind his neck like a ski parka hood. FRED (normal voice) -- Meanwhile all the time they were laughing at us. BARNEY Yeah? When did you notice that? FRED About an hour ago. BARNEY Boy, there's no fooling you, Fred. Suddenly, with a GROWING CREAKING, CRACKING and TINKLING, a scale model of Slate City in the corner begins to fall apart. Fred and Barney look at each other, startled, then rush over to the model. It's the interim version we saw earlier. 214 CLOSER - MODEL 214 The decomposition continues, walls and supports turning into sand and running down before our eyes. In a Rube Goldberg-like continuum, the little houses go first, falling like dominoes... FRED Wha... what's happening? Barney tries to stop the process, can't. (CONTINUED) 96. 214 CONTINUED: 214 BARNEY I... I don't know... the Fibrerock it's... it's decomposing... but this shouldn't happen... FRED Your old models are just fine... 215 ANGLE 215 Indeed, the older models from Barney's tinkering days are rock solid. 216 BACK TO SCENE 216 BARNEY It should be. There's enough coo-coo berry resin in there to petrify a brontosaurus -- Suddenly Barney gets it. He looks from the older models to the now decomposing little Fibresphere with growing awareness. BARNEY (snapping his fingers) -- The coo-coo berries! Fred, that's it! FRED What's it? BARNEY Remember I said the Fibrefoam tasted funny? It was the coo-coo sap that was missing! FRED But.. why would -- BARNEY Why? Because coo-coo berries are as valuable as goldrock! And we've had tons of 'em delivered to the plant since we started... somebody musta got greedy -- FRED -- Not 'somebody' -- Lava! BARNEY (alarmed) Fred, that sap acts as a fixative -- it's the glue that holds the whole formula together -- ! (CONTINUED) 97. 216 CONTINUED: 216 FRED (with mounting concern) Then... what's happening here... BARNEY (finishing it) ... Is gonna happen for real in the real Slate City! FRED Oh no... Barney! Wilma and Betty -- and the kids -- they're all there -- With a final WHIMPER, the little FIBRESPHERE CAVES IN and then the nearby SLATE NEEDLE CRUMBLES, model story by model story. Finally the "DISK" on top of the needle is all that's left, wobbling around like a spun dinner plate. It finally falls... EXPLODES. FRED (worried) -- B-barney... what do we do? Barney runs to a locker, grabs a big plunger-powered flit gun, begins filling it with a red liquid. BARNEY Coo-coo berry sap, Fred! It's our only chance -- their only chance! Barney gives it a quick test squirt. Fred nods, and they rush out of the room. CAMERA PUSHES IN ON the ruins of the model "Slate City"... CUT TO: 217 INT. SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 217 WIDEN FROM a young kid who is drinking a glass of water and simultaneously singing with a ventriloquist's dummy. Obviously, the talent show has begun. In the audience, Lava fidgets with nervous and confident energy... gives Wilma a big look. LAVA You're certainly looking lovely this evening, Mrs. Flintstone. Life with a junior executive must agree with you. (CONTINUED) 98. 217 CONTINUED: 217 WILMA Uh... thank you... I think. LAVA (looking into her eyes) Yes. I think so, too. (smiling) Imagine how good you'd look with a senior executive. WILMA Oh? Is Fred getting promoted? Lava laughs, sure she's kidding... then not so sure. The ventriloquist finishes to scattered applause. The kid bows, gets up... splashes across puddles of water on the stage area. The Headmistress of L'ecole Superior et al steps up. Behind her, the picture window displays the expanse of Slate City: The twin Slatescrapers framing endless rows of little tract houses stretching to the distant volcanic ridge. HEADMISTRESS (as applause dies) Sank you, ladies and gentlemen. An' sank you, Monsieur Slate for zis lovely setting. Zoot alors, zis will ze mos' fantas'tic recital in Bedrock 'istoree. Now, I would like to sank out mos' generous benefactress, Madame Slate for her fine support o'vair zee years -- She gestures into the audience, where Mrs. Slate stands, waves a gloved hand like the Queen Mother. HEADMISTRESS -- An' now, what better introduction could we 'ave for Mrs. Slate's vairy own gran' nephew... Poindexter Lava! She steps aside. Curtain rises on little Poindexter. He is carrying a leather-and-bone accordion. He begins to play: POINDEXTER (singing loudly) 'Dino of Spain, I adore you Right from the moment I saw you -- ' 99. 218 QUICK SHOTS - AUDIENCE 218 Their smiles become fixed. (Up on the spotlights, the little birds who operate the lights put earplugs in their ears.) In the wings with Pebbles and Bam-Bam, DINO MOANS, hides his head under his paws. On the refreshment table, GLASSES CRACK... a cake falls. 219 CLOSE ON LAVA 219 He surreptitiously checks his wrist watch... CUT TO: 220 INT. EMPTY FIBRERIDE - TIGHT ON ANOTHER WATCH - NIGHT 220 This one a pocket job. (Like Lava's, it's really a little sundial with a built-in burning match above it to provide a shadow!) We WIDEN, and see that this watch is held in a green, scaley claw. 221 ANOTHER ANGLE 221 It's the xenosaurus, lurking behind the exhibits! Now, the CREATURE GRUNTS confidently, lights up a cigar. Then it picks up a canvas bag and a big toolbox and tiptoes into the deeper recesses of the Fibre ride. CUT TO: 222 INT. FRED'S CAR - TRAVELLING 222 Fred and Barney rush along, Fred at the wheel. FRED What'll we do when we get there? BARNEY We just tell Mister Slate that all 500 acres of his development are going to crumble into dust any minute. (holds up the flit gun) Then we zap the stairs and corridors with some of this coo-coo sap. I just hope we have enough to get everybody out -- whoops! He's said this last because as he held up the flit gun, the handle whacked the back of Fred's monster costume, and the head has flipped down with a solid "clink." (CONTINUED) 100. 222 CONTINUED: 222 FRED Barney -- ! (swerving all over the road) -- I can't see straight -- Barney gets up on his knees, grabs the wheel with one hand and the monster head with the other. BARNEY Hang on, hang on -- Oops. He rotates the head completely around. Fred flails around. Barney grabs the wheel with one hand, tries to help Fred with the other. 223 EXT. CAR - NIGHT 223 It careens around even more wildly now. There's several near collisions. CUT TO: 224 EXT. "ROCKDONALD'S" RESTAURANT - NIGHT 224 "Rockdonald's" is, of course, complete with golden arches of stone, a drive-up window, etc. It even has the oblig- atory cops on a break... in this case, Feldspar and Gravel. They're sitting in their patrol car eating from little bamboo containers shaped just like McDonald's Styrofoam. (Of course, the logo on the building behind them proudly reads "OVER 100 SOLD.") FELDSPAR (mouth full, bitching) Speed traps again! Face it, Gravel. I'm in a rut... and meanwhile, the guys who went through the academy with me, they're all big shots now: Sam Slate... Dirty Harock... Magma, P.I. And you know why? 'Cause they got the breaks, that's why! Suddenly both officers react to the sound of SKIDDING TIRES and HONKING HORNS. They look out their window at -- 225 FRED AND BARNEY - DRIVING PAST 225 both still battling the wheel and the resistant costume head. (By now their gyrations have put Barney's face inside the jaws of the monster mask.) 101. 226 BACK TO SCENE 226 GRAVEL S-sarge, d-did you see that? Some sorta creature was attacking that little guy -- ! FELDSPAR There's a lesson there, Gravel... never pick up hitchhikers. Besides -- (realizing) -- Did you say 'creature'? They do a big double-take at the now-vanishing car. FELDSPAR & GRAVEL The xenosaurus! Excited, Feldspar bangs his dashboard and a DISPATCH PARAKEET in a police uniform pops INTO VIEW. Feldspar grabs it around the neck, holds it like a microphone. FELDSPAR This is a xenosaurus alert. Repeat, a xenosaurus alert. The creature has been sighted on the Slate City exit of the Venturock Freeway! It is driving a brown late model sedan and eating a white male Caucasian. Car twelve is in hot pursuit. He releases the bird, which doesn't fly away right away, but gives him a look. FELDSPAR (remembering) Oh, yeay... over and out! The bird nods, appeased, flies off. DISPATCH PARAKEET (as it goes) Awwk! Car Twelve is on the way. Car Twelve is on the way... FELDSPAR (thrilled) Gravel, this could mean promotions for both of us! (trotting up to speed) Load the shotgun and turn on the siren! 102. 227 FRED'S CAR - TRAVELLING 227 Barney is rocking Fred's head back and forth, finally gives it one last mighty yank. Something breaks. Barney falls back on the passenger side of the car. Fred drives with one hand, "raps" the monster head. It rattles. When Fred speaks again, the monster mouth no longer opens and closes in sync. FRED (muffled, shouting) Ho, gweat! Hoo bwoke hit, Bahnee! Hi khnat twalk hennymore! Suddenly both men (pardon, man and xenosaurus) react to an approaching SIREN. They both look back at -- 228 FELSPAR'S PATROL CAR 228 Closing in. Gravel has produced a little sabre tooth CAT and is "cranking" its tail. As it WAILS away, the cops close in on our heroes. 229 BACK TO SCENE 229 FRED Ho noh! Ahhrisser Felghspah! (turning to Barney) Haybee whee hould shtop -- ? BARNEY What, and explain what you're doing in that costume? Start talking about coo-coo berries and Fibrerock? By then it'll be too late! FRED 'Hen yore height, yore height... Fred pours on more speed. They careen around a turn. CAMERA WHIP PANS TO a road sign: SLATE CITY--1 MI. 230 SLATE CITY - REAR GATE 230 A fence surrounds the empty housing development; in the distance, we can see the dark Slate Scrapers, and past them, the brightly-lit and gleaming Fibersphere and Slate Needle. We hear a SCREECH and then the CAMERA PANS BACK to pickup Fred's CAR as it whips around a turn, two wheels off the ground. It crashes right into the gate, knocking down a sign reading "SLATE CITY--DELIVERY GATE." The fence collapses all around the car. 103. 231 NEW ANGLE 231 Fred and Barney stagger out of the wreck. Barney, covered with debris, rummages around and sighs with relief when he finds the flit gun of coo-coo sap is still intact. BARNEY (hearing a siren) We'd better split up; that way at least one of us can make it to the Slate Needle -- ! FRED 'Ood hidea. Ood whuk, ol' bhudee. They slap hands together like basketball players, then head off in two directions. CUT TO: 232 INT. SLATE NEEDLE 232 CAMERA PANS the audience as the accordion recital con- tinues. Several people look visibly ill. Finally, CAMERA ADJUSTS to take in Poindexter's big finish as he slides forward on his knees. There's a scattering of half-hearted applause, led by Lava and the Slates. HEADMISTRESS Sank you, sank you. Our nex' performance is Bam-Bam, Pebbles... (checking notes) ... an' friend. She steps aside as a spotlight picks out -- 233 PEBBLES, BAM-BAM & DINO 233 poised in the stances we recognize as the "first positions" of the "Dino Dance." However, whereas the previous version of this was done impromptu and a cappella with only a few primitive props and straw hats alone, this time the kids and Dino are fully costumed, with sequins, batons and the like, and the dance is completely choreographed. KIDS You can keep the twist, the frug and hop -- 234 VARIOUS ANGLES 234 As the Dino dance begins, FULL ORCHESTRATION OVER IT. The audience seems to really like it -- all except -- 104. 235 MRS. SLATE 235 who glances over at the judges long enough to see that they like this a lot better than the accordion act. Suddenly Mrs. Slate jumps up, barges on stage. The MUSIC DIES. HEADMISTRESS Madame Slate, what ees wrong -- ? MRS. SLATE I'll tell you what's wrong! This 'act' is an absolute disgrace! This is supposed to be a talent show! And a pedestrian animal act like this belongs in a circus! 236 WILMA AND BETTY 236 React, furious, jump out of their seats. BETTY A circus, huh? Well, if our kids belong in a circus with their act, then your little nephew belongs in a zoo with his -- WILMA Yeah -- a zoo where the animals are dead -- because if they aren't, they will be! MRS. SLATE Why, how dare you! Mrs. Flintstein, I'll have you know that my little Poindexter has been trained by the finest tutors! Poindexter! Show them! Encore! The kid jumps up, begins to play. Immediately another GLASS SHATTERS. But then the CEILING FIXTURES CRACK, and then the PICTURE WINDOW PANELS begin to SHATTER one by one. MRS. SLATE (alarmed) Ah... Poindexter... that's enough ... Poindexter...? The kids stops... But another WINDOW PANEL EXPLODES. Then one of the tables collapses. Pause. Every head in the room swivels around and stares at Poindexter. Nervous, he tosses the accordion aside. But the destruction continues: Another WINDOW PANEL SHATTERS. Then, the entire building shakes. 105. 237 SLATE 237 Loses his balance, grabs onto Lava for support, ends up pulling him down, too. Slate gets to his knees and looks out the window... and his jaw drops in astonishment. 238 HIS POV - SLATE CITY 238 In the distance, with a CRACKLING ROAR, the little rows of Fibrerock tract houses are falling like dominoes in a wave that is rolling toward the Slate Needle. 239 SLATE CITY DEVELOPMENT - NIGHT 239 A flashlight beam rakes the CAMERA. Feldspar, shotgun in one hand, light in the other, looks around cautiously. (The shotgun has a slingshot mechanism; the flashlight is a mirror-backed candle.) Behind him, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. Feldspar tenses, but it's -- GRAVEL No sign of the driver... FELDSPAR You kidding? By now he's a couple of shinbones and a belch. Gravel drops down on one knee, excited. He shines his light on Fred's big "clawprints." GRAVEL Holy cowasaurus! Look how deep these tracks are! That xeno thing must weigh a ton! They aim their lights at the tracks, begin to follow them. Suddenly they round a corner and come face to face with -- 240 NEW ANGLE - FRED 240 He's stopped between two sample homes to wrestle with the monster head again. Now, he freezes in twin flash- light beams! FELDSPAR Okay, lizard, reach for the sky! Fred hesitates... then, hearing a CREAK and GROAN, he looks at the HOUSE beside him. The stucco-like exterior of Fibrerock is beginning to crumble. (CONTINUED) 106. 240 CONTINUED: 240 FRED Offisser Fledapar, het me hexpwain -- his howse hiss maid uv fibahwock -- He reaches out to tap the nearby wall and -- WHAM -- it collapses all around him, leaving a gaping hole in the house! FELDSPAR (frightened, backing away) Quivering quartzite, d-did you see that -- GRAVEL (following him) O-one flick of his paw... and he knocked down a wall -- ! FRED Nogh, wate, chum baggk -- As Fred "roars" and moves forward, Feldspar and Gravel scream, panic, and run! 241 FRED 241 Tries to catch up and collides with the already damaged house. It collapses totally, falling in on itself, obscuring Fred. Finally the last TIMBER DROPS. Pause. Fred staggers out of the rubble, realizes that the impact has knocked the monster mask off his head and back on its hinges. He rubs dust out of his eyes, turns and looks at the Slate Needle. He's much closer to it now. Quickly, he runs toward it. CUT TO: 242 INSIDE THE SLATE NEEDLE 242 Everyone is rocking back and forth with the escalating vibrations of the swaying building. The remaining table of refreshments slides across the room. 243 POINDEXTER LAVA 243 gets hit full force by a flying cake shaped like Slate City. He falls on top of his accordion, smashing it with one last dissonant squeeze. 107. 244 PARTYGOERS 244 They pause in their panic to applaud gratefully. CUT TO: 245 EXT. BASE OF FIBRESPHERE AND SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 245 The supporting pylons and cable anchors begin to slowly decompose. A FLIGHT of STAIRS CREAKS AND GROANS. Barney runs INTO the SHOT, sees the steps about to go, dives for them... too late! He ends up with a face full of Fibredust! Now, he whirls as Fred runs up, points -- FRED Barney! The elevator -- ! Barney runs toward it, hits the button. 246 OTHER SIDE OF WALL 246 REVEALING elevator mechanism. The button pokes a mouse which runs out of a box. Seeing the mouse, a nearby mastadon becomes frightened, begins running. A heavy cable tied to the mastadon runs over a pulley and into -- 247 THE ELEVATOR SHAFT 247 -- where the elevator rises out of the sub-level and INTO VIEW! Fred and Barny start towards it... when suddenly the Fibrerock elevator begins to crumble! FRED Quick! Use your coo-coo gun -- ! Barney aims, pulls back the plunger... too late! The elevator is gone. The cable swings back and forth loosely, "whapping" the shaft walls as it shoots upwards. Fred dives for the cable, misses! As he stumbles, Barney leaps on Fred's back, catches the cable! As Barney starts to whizz upwards, Fred garbs onto his ankles! 248 ABOVE - FIBRESPHERE 248 Propelled upwards, the would-be rescuers shoot OUT of the FRAME, disappear into the Fibresphere with a CRASH! CUT TO: 249 INT. BEDROCK POLICE STATION - NIGHT 249 The POLICE CHIEF looks skeptically at Feldspar and Gravel, who are exhausted, covered with dust, uniforms torn. (CONTINUED) 108. 249 CONTINUED: 249 CHIEF Feldspar, if you ask me, you've seen too many Rockzilla movies: In all the Xenosaurus sightings we've had reported, not one has had this kind of wholesale destruction -- FELDSPAR Chief, you -- you gotta believe me -- just one swipe of its paw and -- wham -- a whole house was pre-history -- ! Suddenly one of those police DISPATCH PARAKEETS comes flying excitedly through the window, lands on a perch in front of the Chief. DISPATCH PARAKEET Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Unconfirmed reports of destruction and collapse at Slate City. Rescue vehicles are on the way. The xenosaurus has been spotted in the area. That is all. That is all. FELDSPAR (excited) You see -- ? I told you -- CHIEF All right, Feldspar, I'm convinced! As of this moment you're completely in charge of operation... (dramatic) ... 'Xeno Dino'! Now, what do you need? CAMERA TIGHTENS ON Feldspar. This is the moment he's waited for all his life. FELDSPAR (firm-jawed) Artillery. CUT TO: 250 INT. FIBRESPHERE - NIGHT 250 Dust and little fragments of construction material are still tinkling down around our heroes. The elevator cable sways from its uppermost pulley. Slowly, something stirs in the pile of arms, legs and scaly limbs. (CONTINUED) 109. 250 CONTINUED: 250 First to sit up is Barney, who groans, rubs his head. Next, Fred sits up. Damn! The impact has knocked Fred's monster mask back on his head! Fred mutters angrily... Barney starts to help... and then they both notice that there's another monstrous head in the middle of their group! There're big "takes" all around, and then the xenosaurus leaps out of the tangle of bodies, treads air, and runs away! BARNEY (recovering) Fred, stop it! It might know the way inside! Fred "gets up to speed" and chases the xeno. Barney follows. 251 NEW ANGLE 251 Fred and Barney both leap on the mysterious xenosaurus -- all crash through a wall -- 252 INT. SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 252 The panicked partygoers turn as a section of wall collapses. Dust and debris billow upwards. The battered monster mask breaks loose from Fred's costume, bounces on the floor. Slowly, everyone gets up: Fred... Barney ... and two halves of the xenosaurus: The bottom half is Piltdown; the top-half is Pyrite. WILMA BETTY Fred? Barney? PEBBLES BAM-BAM Daddy! Pop! FRED BARNEY Piltdown? Pyrite? SLATE What the devil's going on here? FRED It's real simple, Mister Slate. Your boy Lava here has been stealing the coo-coo berries from the Fibrerock mix and fixing the books to hide it! LAVA That's ridiculous, Flintstone! Nobody could get that many coo-coo berries off our premises! (CONTINUED) 110. 252 CONTINUED: 252 Suddenly the bottom of Piltdown's canvas sack rips open. Thousands and thousands of coo-coo berries tumble out. 253 LAVA 253 Slaps his hands over his face. 254 THE SCENE 254 BETTY (dryly) These sure look like coo-coo berries to me -- LAVA (smoothly) They're convincing fakes, Mrs. Rubble -- part of our exciting display -- PYRITE Fakes? (to Piltdown) Gee, Pilty, I thought the real ones were gonna be moved up here for us ta steal -- whatta waste a time -- PILTDOWN Pyrite, shaddup -- FRED (snapping fingers) Now I remember! These guys were pulling this xenosaurus act that night at the plant! What's this, Lava... 'Plan B'? LAVA Uncle! Are you going to stand there while aspersions are being cast at the Slate family? This is absurd -- SLATE Of course it is! Why, without the coo-coo berry sap, Fibrerock would be completely -- (realizing) -- unstable... Suddenly the entire building shudders. Dust falls from the ceiling. Everyone looks at Lava. (CONTINUED) 111. 254 CONTINUED: 254 LAVA All right, all right, I admit it! I got in over my head in the stock market... took some big losses... I had these guys pull jobs for me all over town disguised as a monster... but it still wasn't enough... and when I saw all those coo-coo berries being delivered every day, I guess I just lost my head... I figured with the Woca sap in the Fibremix, the berry juice as superfluous... SLATE I'll tell you what's superfluous, Lava... your liver! So why don't we remove it -- ! He leaps, snarling, on top of Lava... Fred and Barney pull them apart. Then, more falling dust and beams give everyone more pressing problems -- CUT TO: 255 EXT. SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 255 Rescue VEHICLES and police CARS ROAR up, slam to a halt, CAT SIRENS WAILING. The rescue workers jump out. Firefighters carry circular trampolines of hide stitched to bamboo frames; others go to the back of their trucks and start to turn cranks on the hook and ladder trucks to raise the ladders. 256 CLOSE ON A HOOK AND LADDER TRUCK 256 It's actually a wheeled carriage carrying a firesaurus, which is a critter with a very tiny body and an incred- ibly long neck. The bony plates on the creature's back make perfect stairs. However, the creature is noticeably listless and uncooperative. FIRE CHIEF Come on, come on, what's the hold up -- ? FIREFIGHTER It's the kibble crisis, sir -- the firesauruses have been on half-rations for a month! Above them, the BUILDING SHUDDERS again. 112. 257 IN THE SLATE NEEDLE 257 Now, the remaining LIGHT FIXTURES CRASH down. When they hit the floor, the oil lamps inside spills and fire spreads. WILMA (pointing) Fred! There's a fire hose -- ! Indeed, it's on the back wall in a closed box marked FIRE HOSE--IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS. Fred and Barney take a step towards it, but the fire quickly spreads and cuts them off. Helpless, they step back. With a THUNDEROUS ROAR, the two SLATE SCRAPERS visible through what's left of the picture window COLLAPSE. Then the big statue of Slate just outside the window begins to decompose. It falls in on itself like a sand sculpture in a storm... finally, for a split second it is, well, life-sized, and then the head of the statue snaps loose, CRASHES through the only remaining pane of GLASS here ... rolls up to Slate's feet. Pause. Everyone looks at everyone else. This is it: Titanic time. Fred embraces Wilma... Barney embraces Betty. Their kids are pulled into the clinch. Even Slate takes Mrs. Slate's hand. Talk about grace under pressure... and speaking of -- 258 GRACE 258 -- the star fashion model, suddenly her Fibrethread costume decomposes, leaving her in her cute little animal print undies. 259 BETTY 259 In the middle of going down with the ship, she turns Bam-Bam's face away from this display. BAM-BAM D-dad, are we gonna be okay? BARNEY (pause; false smile) Sure, pal. We just gotta wait for the fire department. Right, Fred? FRED Y-yeah. Everything's gonna be just -- Whoa, hoo-hah, aggh -- (CONTINUED) 113. 259 CONTINUED: 259 He's started yelping because he's realized his arm is on fire, and now he jumps up and the others begin beating at the arm with anything in their hands, and then Fred suddenly pushes away from them, stands there with a small flame flickering on his forearm like a Rock Vegas stage magician. FRED -- Wait a minute -- I don't feel anything at all -- With his other "claw" he slaps tentatively at the flames, and then confidentially snuffs it out. BARNEY It must be the suit, Fred -- old Bedrock High built them things to last -- Fred looks over at the wall of flame separating the guests from the fire hose. As everyone gets the same idea, Dino rushes up, the costume head in his mouth. All brighten. Barney helps Fred with the head, twists it into place. BARNEY (rapping on the head) -- Okay? FRED Hist hust fine! He lowers his head, runs through the fire, which licks at him harmlessly. Then with his claw, he SMASHES the amber GLASS -- 260 IN THE BOX 260 A big PYTHONSAURUS is curled up inside, SNORING. (Note to herpetologists: The pythonosaurus is not quite a snake: it has little vestigial forepaws the better to emote with. Right now the snoring head is in those little paws.) The Pythonsaurus stirs, looks at Fred, "sniffs" the smoke. Then he raises one hand and finger as if to say "one moment." Then the pythonsaurus turns his head towards a nozzle like the ones in hamster cages, slurps loudly. We hear gallons and gallons of WATER GURGLING away... 114. 261 IN THE MAIN ROOM 261 Everyone retreats from the fire. Slate picks up the head of the statue, his only souvenir. 262 WITH FRED 262 Waiting impatiently until the pythonsaurus finally finishes drinking. It wipes its mouth daintily with a napkin, slaps a little fire helmet on its head, turns and runs back into the other room. (Behind him, yards and yards of pythonsaurus unroll from a hidden compart- ment behind the box.) Water shoots out of the creature's mouth. 263 WIDER 263 Fred turns in a semi-circle and puts out every lick of flame in the room. All the guests cheer, rush forward and slap Fred on the back. Pebbles jumps up on him and kisses him. FRED Hit fuzz nudding... wheely... The pythonsaurus looks around at the attention. PYTHONSAURUS Hey, what am I, chopped liver? BARNEY Come on, everybody -- we'll go out the way we came! Barney squirts a pathway with his flit gun, solidifying a route in the crumbling Fibrerock. Then Barney and Fred stand back nobly, wave everyone on into the adjacent Fibresphere. POINDEXTER (pushing and shoving) Outta the way -- outta the way -- women and children first -- ! I mean, ah, children and women first, yeah, yeah, provided that uh, there's room for the women... Meanwhile, the pythonsaurus gives Fred (or rather his costume) a big look up and down, looks TOWARD the CAMERA. PYTHONSAURUS Hey, not bad. Wonder if she lives around here. Just then Fred tilts back the monster head. The pythonsaurus reacts. (CONTINUED) 115. 263 CONTINUED: 263 PYTHONSAURUS Heartbreaker! Depressed, the pythonsaurus follows the others. Fred and Barney cross over into the Fibresphere. As the do, Slate Needle completely collapses. 264 EXT. FIBRESPHERE - LONG SHOT 264 The Slate Needle tumbles down, taking a big chunk of the Fibresphere with it! But the rest of the huge globe stays put... for now. 265 RESCUE WORKERS BELOW 265 gasp, cry out -- 266 UP ABOVE 266 Already the first partygoers are sliding down the elevator cable. HEADMISTRESS (panicking) Oh, geez, we're all gonna croak -- I neva shoulda left Far Rockaway -- Wilma gives her a big suspicious look -- blanching, the Headmistress slides down the cable -- 267 BELOW 267 The rescue teams catch the people in nets as they hit the ground. 268 ABOVE 268 Barney gives the dwindling circle of solid Fibre around the group another shot of coo-coo juice. Poindexter Lava pushes his way forward. POINDEXTER (to anyone and everyone) Fifty clams for a piggy-back ride ... a hundred clams! MRS. SLATE (aghast) Do you see that, Jerry? Do you see how my great-nephew is behaving at this moment of crisis? (CONTINUED) 116. 268 CONTINUED: 268 LAVA (proudly) Yeah. Real chip off the old block, ain't he? Embarrassed, Mrs. Slate grabs the kid by the neck, practically throws him at the cable. She follows him down, followed by Lava and Mr. Slate. 269 REAR OF FLEEING PEOPLE 269 Fred and Barney have bravely held up the rear, their families clutching to them. Barney's carrying Bam-Bam. FRED (to Pebbles) Upsy-daisy, sweetheart -- piggy back time! She jumps on his back... slamming the monster head back in place. FRED (resigned) Hohh... GWEAT! BARNEY (to Betty) Go on, honey... I got Bam-Bam! BETTY Barney... tonight you're the biggest man in Bedrock. She kisses him, slides down. 270 CLOSE ON WILMA AND FRED 270 Backlit romantically by the flames, just like Gable and Leigh when Atlanta burned. FRED (through the mask) Wilmagh, I jusght whunt to sagh thad I knogh shumtimes I dogh dumb thinks... Bhut hit's becaughse high luff yough sogh much thaght high whant yough to livgh likge a pwincess orgh a qween 'cause you reaally arggh rugg aaggg hummmmg higga! (CONTINUED) 117. 270 CONTINUED: 270 WILMA Oh, Fred -- that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard! They kiss... she drops to safety...! 271 BELOW 271 Wilma slides into a rescue net, gets on unsteady feet next to Betty. 272 BACK UPSTAIRS 272 FRED Lhet's dogh it! Their kids on their backs, Fred and Barney exchange a heroic forearm-to-forearm gladiator-type handshake... both put their hands on the cable... and then the whole pulley mechanism falls right down between them and through the hole! A second later, the entire remaining structure collapses! 273 BELOW 273 Everyone reacts in horror -- 274 ABOVE 274 Dust and smoke clear. When we can see again, well, it's not a pretty sight. The entire fibresphere is gone. All that's left, teetering on two spindly supports, are two tiny islands of safety connected by a twisted maze of rubble too small for a human to negotiate... and all that's holding that up is a long guide wire leading to the ground! 275 CLOSER 275 Figures on one of the islands stir: Fred. Barney. Bam-Bam... Pebbles! The platform shudders again. Barney aims the flit gun -- empty! The dads hold on to the kids. It's all they can do. 276 BELOW 276 Wilma and Betty gasp... what can be done? 277 THE SECOND ISLAND 277 Bricks and chunks of Fibre stir... a form sits up... it's -- Dino! He looks around at the situation, becomes agitated... he wants to help... but how? 118. 278 WILMA AND BETTY 278 Suddenly become inspired. BETTY W-wilma... those hoops of bamboo... those wires... do you think -- ? WILMA Yes! Yes! Betty, we have to try it -- ! Dino! Dino, look down here -- ! 279 DINO 279 Obeys, puzzled -- 280 HIS POV - WILMA AND BETTY 280 Amazingly, they grab scraps of wood, borrow fire fighter's helmets, and begin to do a buck and wing. WILMA AND BETTY You can keep the twist, the frug and hop I don't need to shimmy, I don't need to bop -- 281 BIG CAMERA PUSH - DINO 281 MUSIC COMES UP DRAMATICALLY as he catches on! His eyes fill with courage and he charges toward the spindly bridge that leads to his master and friends. 282 ANOTHER ANGLE 282 Dino dives through the hoops of bamboo, duplicating his steps in "The Dino Dance." He reaches the other island! Without a beat, still keeping time, he puts the two kids on his shoulders, just like in the dance! Then he "presents" his tail to Fred -- Fred hands his tail to Barney -- and then -- 283 LONG SHOT 283 -- Dino slides down the long wire, carrying everyone to safety! They all plow into the biggest rescue net as Wilma and Betty wind up! WILMA AND BETTY Yes, I don't need to shimmy, I don't need to bop 'Cause I'm doin', doin', doin' THE IGNEOUS ROCK! 119. 284 FRED 284 rolls out of the net and away from the others. He's slightly stunned, still in the suit. He sits up... suddenly lights snap on all around him! Fred looks up and sees -- 285 HIS POV - CORDON OF POLICE OFFICERS 285 All with weapons aimed right at him. Spotlights on the police car roofs (actually little fires with parabolic mirrors) are operated by uniformed monkeys. Feldspar is at the head of the group. He cocks his shotgun. The elastic catapults at the hammers twitch menacingly -- FELDSPAR It's the xenosaurus -- stand back, men -- it's a vicious killer -- Ready -- Aim -- FRED (with desperate poignancy) High ham noght a zenosore! High ham hay hooman beeng -- ! BAM! WHAM! KABAM! Bullets and projectiles begin slamming all around Fred! He ducks behind a big fallen chunk of Fibrerock -- catches his breath as the bullets and shells bounce off its resilient surface. 286 CLOSE - FRED 286 Momentarily safe, he tries desperately to remove that stupid head -- bangs it against the wall, tears at it with his claws -- -- meanwhile, the chunk of Fibrerock protecting him decomposes! He's back in the line of fire! 287 DINO 287 Flanked by Wilma, Barney and the kids, who are shouting for the police to stop, only Dino the wonder bronto has the wits to act! "YI-YI-YI-ING," he races forward, CAMERA FOLLOWING -- and with lightning reflexes grabs the seat of Fred's monster suit and -- de-pants him! Instantly, Dino whirls Fred around, points to the now revealed striped undershorts. 288 WIDER 288 Pause. (CONTINUED) 120. 288 CONTINUED: 288 Then Officer Gravel takes a good look at that rear end. GRAVEL Hey, those are the biggest shorts I've ever seen... (realizing) ... It... it must be Mister Flintstone! Cease fire! (to Feldspar) Gee, Sarge, now you don't have to shoot him -- ! Now Fred confirms Gravel's hunch as the costume head finally pops off. All the cops lower their guns. (Strangely, though, Feldspar still continues to raise his gun -- even aims! Then an alarmed Gravel wrestles it away from his superior.) 289 THE FLINTSTONES AND RUBBLES - DAWN 289 Safe, they all emotionally embrace. Fred even suffers Dino's affection. (In the b.g., a police car holding Piltdown, Pyrite and Lava drives past. Poindexter Lava is chasing the car.) POINDEXTER (distant) Dad! Dad! Can I use the Porscherock while you're in the slammer? Suddenly the Slates push their way into the group hug. SLATE Flintstone. Rubble. I... I don't know what to say. I... I treated you horribly... I ignored you, abused you... and then you come here and risk your necks like this... well, there's no price you can put on something like that, so I won't even try. But let me give you... (with great poignancy) ... a hearty handshake. MRS. SLATE Dear, don't you think a little more than that is in order? SLATE Honey, you're being hysterical, go lie down, okay? (CONTINUED) 121. 289 CONTINUED: 289 MRS. SLATE I am not being hysterical, I am being fair -- now the Flintsteins and Rabbles saved all of our lives, not to mention your reputation. SLATE (sighing) Okay, okay. (to Fred and Barney) Boys, I'm feeling guilty about how you've been taken advantage of, so I'll tell you what... I'm going to give you back all world-wide rights to Fibrerock, free and clear. He picks up a fragment of stone, begins writing on it. SLATE Your only obligation will be to cover oh, whatever legal expenses might surface at some later time... BARNEY You think there's gonna be some? Slate looks around at -- 290 HIS POV - THE RUINS AND DESTRUCTION 290 Smoking desolation as far as the eye and CAMERA can see. As we watch the last remaining fragment of Slate City collapse, crushing a police car. 291 BACK TO SCENE 291 SLATE (casually) Oh, you never know... 292 RESCUE DINOS 292 Several sniff at the air, look curiously at a nearby pile of crumbled Fibrerock. One and then another shuffles over, tentatively tastes some... grins... and digs in! Seeing this, the "firesauruses" crane out their necks, also begin chowing down on the pile of Fibrerock crumbs. 293 FRED, BARNEY, SLATE AND OTHERS 293 All turn at the growing sound of the ANIMALS PIGGING OUT. (CONTINUED) 122. 293 CONTINUED: 293 Now DINO "YI-YI-YI'S" past this group and leaps into the pile, munching like crazy. Barney puts out his hand as chunks of Fibrerock shower down like rain from the feeding frenzy. Catching some pieces, he nibbles on it a little. FRED Barn...? What's going on? BARNEY (sniffing it) Lava Lava leaves... Woca sap... all still there, but now the nutrients are all released... (realizing) ... Fred, this... this is Dino kibble! FRED Dino kibble...? Disbelieving, Fred moves over to the happily-munching animals. He has to get on his knees to wiggle in with the pack. He grabs some, stuffs it in his mouth... chews. His eyes widen... FRED (mouth full) Dhinough khibble!! He spits it out, takes out the chunk of contract Slate wrote on. FRED Barney, we -- we're rich! Yabba dabba do -- ! 294 SLATE 294 Faints dead away! The CAMERA PULLS BACK... BACK... BACK -- 295 EXT. DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT 295 We're back where we began. As "The End" appears on the drive-in screen, cars are streaming out of the drive-in theatre. The Flintstone car is among them. 296 EXT. DRIVE-IN RESTAURANT - NIGHT 296 Fred and company roll into a '50's-style drive-in restaurant. A sign advertises BRONTO BURGERS AND RIBS. (CONTINUED) 123. 296 CONTINUED: 296 A pretty carhop on stone roller skates glides over. Fred holds up one finger towards her. She nods, scampers O.S. Fred rubs his hands and licks his lips with antici- pation... and then the girl returns with a massive rack of ribs on a car tray. She hooks it on the edge of the driver's door... and the entire car tips over with a crash. CUT TO: 297 EXT. FLINTSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT 297 WIDEN FROM the mailbox. Fred and family pull up. Dino runs in first, followed by Wilma with Pebbles already asleep on her shoulder. Fred follows, the saber-tooth cat on his heels. Fred stops in the doorway to put a milk bottle on the doorstep, and then puts the cat down beside it. He shuts the door. Quick as a flash, the cat leaps through the side window. Pause. The door opens and the cat puts Fred out, then slams the door! Fred recovers from his shock, tries the door... it's locked! MUSIC (V.O.) We'll have a yabba dabba-do time A dabba-do time We'll have a gay old time! FRED (knocking) Wilma...? (another knock) ... Wilma? CAMERA CRANES UP, WIDENS as Fred becomes a tiny sil- houette banging on the door. FRED Wilma? Wil-ma --! FADE OUT. THE END THIS SCRIPT WAS PREPARED BY WARNER BROS. INC. SCRIPT PROCESSING DEPARTMENT (818) 954-4632
"FORREST GUMP" -- by Eric Roth "FORREST GUMP" Screenplay by Eric Roth Based on a novel by Winston Groom EXT. A SAVANNAH STREET - DAY (1981) A feather floats through the air. The falling feather. A city, Savannah, is revealed in the background. The feather floats down toward the city below. The feather drops down toward the street below, as people walk past and cars drive by, and nearly lands on a man's shoulder. He walks across the street, causing the feather to be whisked back on its journey. The feather floats above a stopped car. The car drives off right as the feather floats down toward the street. The feather floats under a passing car, then is sent flying back up in the air. A MAN sits on a bus bench. The feather floats above the ground and finally lands on the man's mudsoaked shoe. The man reached down and picks up the feather. His name is FORREST GUMP. He looks at the feather oddly, moves aside a box of chocolates from an old suitcase, then opens the case. Inside the old suitcase are an assortment of clothes, a pingpong paddle, toothpaste and other personal items. Forrest pulls out a book titled "Curious George," then places the feather inside the book. Forrest closes the suitcase. Something in his eyes reveals that Forrest may not be all there. Forrest looks right as the sound of an arriving bus is heard. A bus pulls up. Forrest remains on the bus bench as the bus continues on. A BLACK WOMAN in a nurse's outfit steps up and sits down at the bus bench next to Forrest. The nurse begins to read a magazine as Forrest looks at her. FORREST Hello. My name's Forrest Gump. He opens a box of chocolates and holds it out for the nurse. FORREST You want a chocolate? The nurse shakes her head, a bit apprehensive about this strange man next to her. FORREST I could eat about a million and a half of these. My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Forrest eats a chocolate as he looks down at the nurse's shoes. FORREST Those must be comfortable shoes. I'll bet you could walk all day in shoes like that and not feel a thing. I wish I had shoes like that. BLACK WOMAN My feet hurt. FORREST Momma always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. Where they're going. Where they've been. The black woman stares at Forrest as he looks down at his own shoes. FORREST I've worn lots of shoes. I bet if I think about it real hard I could remember my first pair of shoes. Forrest closes his eyes tightly. FORREST Momma said they'd take my anywhere. INT. COUNTRY DOCTOR'S OFFICE - GREENBOW, ALABAMA - DAY (1951) A little boy closes his eyes tightly. It is young Forrest as he sits in a doctor's office. FORREST (V.O.) She said they was my magic shoes. Forrest has been fitted with orthopedic shoes and metal leg braces. DOCTOR All right, Forrest, you can open your eyes now. Let's take a little walk around. The doctor sets Forrest down on its feet. Forrest walks around stiffly. Forrest's mother, MRS. GUMP, watches him as he clanks around the room awkwardly. DOCTOR How do those feel? His legs are strong, Mrs. Gump. As strong as I've ever seen. But his back is as crooked as a politician. Forrest walks foreground past the doctor and Mrs. Gump. DOCTOR But we're gonna straighten him right up now, won't we, Forrest? A loud thud is heard as, outside, Forrest falls. MRS. GUMP Forrest! EXT. GREENBOW, ALABAMA Mrs. Gump and young Forrest walk across the street. Forrest walks stiffly next to his mother. FORREST (V.O.) Now, when I was a baby, Momma named me after the great Civil War hero, General Nathan Bedford Forrest... EXT. RURAL ALABAMA A black and white photo of General Nathan Bedford Forrest. The photo turns into live action as the General dons a hooded sheet over his head. The General is in full Ku Klux Klan garb, including his horse. The General rides off, followed by a large group of Klan members dressed in full uniform. FORREST (V.O.) She said we was related to him in some way. And, what he did was, he started up this club called the Ku Klux Klan. They'd all dress up in their robes and their bedsheets and act like a bunch of ghosts or spooks or something. They'd even put bedsheets on their horses and ride around. And anyway, that's how I got my name. Forrest Gump. EXT. GREENBOW Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk across the street. FORREST (V.O.) Momma said that the Forrest part was to remind me that sometimes we all do things that, well, just don't make no sense. Forrest stops suddenly as his brace gets stuck. Forrest's brace is caught in a gutter grate. Mrs. Gump bends down and tries to free Forrest. Two old cronies sit in front of a barber shop and watch. MRS. GUMP Just wait, let me get it. Mrs. Gump struggles to pull the stuck brace from the grate. MRS. GUMP Let me get it. Wait, get it this way. Hold on. Forrest pulls his foot out of the grate. MRS. GUMP All right. Mrs. Gump helps Forrest up onto the sidewalk. She looks up and notices the two old man. MRS. GUMP Oooh. All right. What are you all staring at? Haven't you ever seen a little boy with braces on his legs before? Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along the sidewalk past the two old men. Mrs. Gump holds tightly onto Forrest's hand. MRS. GUMP Don't ever let anybody tell you they're better than you, Forrest. If God intended everybody to be the same, he'd have given us all braces on our legs. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. EXT. OAK ALLEY/THE GUMP BOARDING HOUSE Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along a dirt road. A row of mailboxes stands left. FORREST (V.O.) We lived about a quarter mile of Route 17, about a half mile from the town of Greenbow, Alabama. That's in the county of Greenbow. Our house had been in Momma's family since her grandpa's grandpa's grandpa had come across the ocean about a thousand years ago. Something like that. Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along the Gump Boarding House driveway. FORREST (V.O.) Since it was just me and Momma and we had all these empty rooms, Momma decided to let those rooms out. Mostly to people passing through. Like from, oh, Mobile, Montgomery, place like that. That's how me and Mommy got money. Mommy was a real smart lady. MRS. GUMP Remember what I told you, Forrest. You're no different than anybody else is. Mrs. Gump heads Forrest to the porch. She bends down to look Forrest in the eye. MRS. GUMP Did you hear what I said, Forrest? You're the same as everybody else. You are no different. INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL / PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY PRINCIPAL Your boy's... different, Mrs. Gump. Now, his I.Q. is seventy-five. MRS. GUMP Well, we're all different, Mr. Hancock. The principal sighs, then stands up. INT. HALLWAY Forrest sits outside the principal's office and waits. FORREST (V.O.) She wanted me to have the finest education, so she took me to the Greenbow County Central School. I met the principal and all. The principal stands in front of Mrs. Gump. Forrest, sitting left, listens. PRINCIPAL I want to show you something, Mrs. Gump. Now, this is normal. The principal holds up a chart with a designations according to I.Q. and points to the center of the graph, labeled "Normal." A red line below the normal area is labeled "State Acceptance." The principal points to the section below the acceptance line labeled "Below." PRINCIPAL Forrest is right here. The state requires a minimum I.Q. of eighty to attend public school, Mrs. Gump. He's gonna have to go to a special school. Now, he'll be just fine. MRS. GUMP What does normal mean, anyway? He might be a bit on the slow side, but my boy Forrest is going to get the same opportunities as everyone else. He's not going to some special school to learn to how to re-tread tires. We're talking about five little points here. There must be something can be done. INT. HALLWAY Forrest sits outside the principal's office. PRINCIPAL We're a progressive school system. We don't want to see anybody left behind. INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE PRINCIPAL Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump? MRS. GUMP He's on vacation. EXT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest sits on a swing outside the house. Loud organic male grunts are heard coming from inside the house. Forrest sits on the swing as the grunts continue. The principal steps out of the Gump House and wipes the sweat from his face. Forrest is sitting on the porch. PRINCIPAL Well, your momma sure does care about your schooling, son. Mm-mm-mm. The principal wipes the sweat from his neck, then looks back at Forrest. PRINCIPAL You don't say much, do you? Forrest grunts, imitating him. The principal, embarrassed, turns and walks away. INT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE/FORREST'S BEDROOM Mrs. Gump reads from the book "Curious George" as Forrest sits on the bed and listens. MRS. GUMP Finally, he had to try it. It looked easy, but, oh, what happened. First there... FORREST Momma, what's vacation mean? MRS. GUMP Vacation? FORREST Where Daddy went? MRS. GUMP Vacation's when you go somewhere, and you don't ever come back. Forrest lies down on his bed and looks up. FORREST (V.O.) Anyway, I guess you could say me and Momma was on our own. EXT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE - DAY A cab driver closes the trunk of the car as two women walk toward the house. A milkman steps down from the porch. FORREST (V.O.) But we didn't mind. Our house was never empty. There was always folks comin' and goin'. MRS. GUMP (V.O.) Suppa. INT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE Mrs. Gump steps forward and speaks to all the boarders. MRS. GUMP It's suppa, everyone. Forrest... A MAN WITH A CANE steps left across the hall. MAN WITH CANE My, my. That sure looks special. Mrs. Gump looks into a sitting room and informs the boarders about dinner. MRS. GUMP Gentlemen, would you care to join us for supper? Hurry up and get it before the flies do. I prefer you don't smoke that cigar so close to mealtime. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes we had so many people stayin' with us that every room was filled with travelers. You know, folks livin' out of their suitcases, and hat cases, and sample cases. MRS. GUMP Well, you go ahead and start. I can't find Forrest. Mrs. Gump walks up the stairs. MRS. GUMP Forrest... Forrest... FORREST (V.O.) One time a young man was staying with us, and he had him a guitar case. Mrs. Gump looks into Forrest's room. She hears singing coming from another room and walks over to a closed door. Mrs. Gump opens the door, revealing a young man with long sideburns as he plays the guitar and sings. Forrest holds onto a broom and dances oddly. The young man is ELVIS PRESLEY. ELVIS PRESLEY (sings) "Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit, and you ain't no friend of mine." Forrest's legs rock back and forth to the guitar. MRS. GUMP Forrest! I told you not to bother this nice young man. ELVIS Oh, no, that's all right, ma'am. I was just showin' him a thing or two on the guitar here. MRS. GUMP All right, but your supper's ready if y'all want to eat. ELVIS Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you, ma'am. Mrs. Gump leaves and closes the door. Elvis sits back down. Forrest stands left, and looks himself in a mirror. ELVIS Say, man, show me that crazy little walk you just did there. Slow it down some. Forrest begins to dance again as Elvis plays the guitar and sings. ELVIS (sings) "You ain't nothin' but a hound, hound dog..." FORREST (V.O.) I liked that guitar. Forrest dances as he watches himself in the mirror. FORREST (V.O.) It sounded good. ELVIS (sings) "...cryin' all the time" Forrest rocks up and down on his braced legs, then begins to step. ELVIS (sings) "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog..." FORREST (V.O.) I started moving around to the music, swinging my hips. This one night me and Momma... EXT. GREENBOW - NIGHT Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along a sidewalk. A television inside a store window reveals Elvis Presley as he performs "Houng Dog" on a stage. FORREST (V.O.) ...was out shoppin', and we walked right by Benson's Furniture and Appliance store, and guess what. The television reveals Elvis as he thrusts his hips and sings. ELVIS (sings) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... Mrs. Gump and Forrest watch the television. Elvis dances around in the same manner Forrest did. A woman in the audience screaming and applauding. ELVIS (sings) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... MRS. GUMP This is not children's eyes. Mrs. Gump walks away, pulling Forrest with her. Forrest stops and takes one last look. Elvis continues to perform over the television. ELVIS (sings) "Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine." FORREST (V.O.) Some years later, that handsome young man who they called "The King," well, he sung too many songs, had himself a heart attack or something. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY Forrest is still sitting on the bus bench. The black nurse looks at him. FORREST Must be hard being a king. You know, it's funny how you remember some things, but some things you can't. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD/ALABAMA - MORNING (1954) Mrs. Gump and Forrest wait for the school bus. The bus pulls up as Mrs. Gump prepares Forrest for his first day of school. MRS. GUMP You do your very best now, Forrest. FORREST I sure will, Momma. FORREST (V.O.) I remember the bus ride on the first day of school very well. The bus driver opens the door and looks down. Forrest walks to the steps of the bus and looks at the bus driver. She is smoking a cigarette. BUS DRIVER Are you comin' along? FORREST Momma said not to be taking rides from strangers. BUS DRIVER This is the bus to school. FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. BUS DRIVER I'm Dorothy Harris. FORREST Well, now we ain't strangers anymore. The bus driver smiles as Forrest steps up into the bus. INT. BUS Forrest steps up onto the bus. Mrs. Gump waves to Forrest as the bus drives away. Forrest begins to walk down the aisle. TWO YOUNG BOYS look up from the seat. BOY #1 This seat's taken. BOY #2 It's taken! Forrest looks around. A larger girl slides over so Forrest can't sit next to her. She shakes her head. Forrest looks to the other side where a boy sits alone on a larger seat. They boy glares up at Forrest. BOY #3 You can't sit here. FORREST (V.O.) You know, it's funny what a young man recollects. 'Cause I don't remember being born. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY Forrest continues talking as he sits on the bus bench. FORREST (V.O.) I, I... don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic. But, I do remember the first time I heard the sweetiest voice... INT. BUS - MORNING (1954) Young Forrest is still standing in the aisle on the bus. FORREST (V.O.) ...in the wide world. GIRL You can sit here if you want. Forrest looks back at JENNY CURRAN, a young girl about Forrest's age. FORREST (V.O.) I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life. She was like an angel. JENNY Well, are you gonna sit down, or aren't ya? Forrest sits down next to Jenny. JENNY What's wrong with your legs? FORREST Um, nothing at all, thank you. My legs are just fine and dandy. FORREST (V.O.) I just sat next to her on that bus and had conversation all the way to school. JENNY Then why do you have those shoes on? FORREST My momma said my back's crooked like a question mark. These are going to make me as straight as an arrow. They're my magic shoes. FORREST (V.O.) And next to Momma, no one ever talked to me or asked me questions. JENNY Are you stupid or something. FORREST Mommy says stupid is as stupid does. Jenny puts her hand out toward Forrest. Forrest reaches over and shakes her hand. JENNY I'm Jenny. FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) From that day on, we was always together. Jenny and me was like peas and carrots. EXT. OAK TREE - DAY Young Jenny and Forrest run toward a large oak tree. FORREST (V.O.) She taught me how to climb... Jenny sits on a large branch and calls down to Forrest. JENNY Come on, Forrest, you can do it. Forrest dangles from the branch. FORREST (V.O.) ...I showed her how to dangle. Jenny and Forrest sit on a tree branch and read. FORREST "...a good little monkey and..." FORREST (V.O.) She helped me to learn how to read. Forrest hangs upside down from a branch and swings back and forth. Forrest's braces are wedged in the tree. FORREST (V.O.) And I showed her to swing. EXT. OAK TREE - NIGHT The silhouete of the oak tree, Jenny and Forrest as they sit on a branch. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes we'd just sit out and wait for the stars. FORREST Momma's gonna worry about me. Jenny puts her hand on Forrest's hand. JENNY Just stay a little longer. FORREST (V.O.) For some reason, Jenny didn't never want to go home. FORREST Okay, Jenny. I'll stay. FORREST (V.O.) She was my most special friend. INT. SAVANNAH/BUS STOP - DAY Forrest nods as he remembers. FORREST My only friend. Forrest continues talking to the black woman. She doesn't seem to be listening as she reads her magazine. She looks up from her magazine. FORREST Now, my Momma always told me that miracles happen every day. Some people don't think so, but they do. EXT. OAK ALLEY - ANOTHER DAY (1954) Jenny and Forrest walk. A dirt clod hits Forrest in the back of the head. Jenny looks as Forrest rubs his head. THREE YOUNG BOYS get off their bikes and pick up more rocks. BOY #1 Hey... dummy! Forrest is hit in the eye with another dirt clod. Forrest falls backward onto the ground as the boys glare at him. BOY #2 Are you retarded, or just plain stupid? BOY #3 Look, I'm Forrest Gump. Jenny helps Forrest back up. Boy #1 and Boy #2 throw more dirt clods at Forrest. JENNY Just run away, Forrest. Another dirt clod hits Forrest in the arm. JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest tries to run along the road, but his braces makes it impossible. He hobbles along as Jenny yells after him. JENNY Run away! Hurry! Boy #1 and Boy #2 turn back toward the bikes. BOY #2 Get the bikes! BOY #3 Hurry up! The boys pick up their bikes and ride after Forrest. BOY #3 Let's get him! Come on! BOY #2 Look out, dummy, here we come! The boys ride after Forrest. Jenny stands and watches. BOY #2 We're gonna get you! JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! Forrest hobbles along the dirt road. JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest looks over his shoulder. The three boys race on their bikes. BOY #1 Come back here, you! Forrest begins to run faster with his braces on. Forrest continues running as the boys chase him. Blood drips down from a cut on his head. The boys on the bikes are gaining on Forrest. Forrest hobbles along. He begins to gain speed. JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! SLOW MOTION -- Forrest runs from the chasing room. He looks over his shoulder in fear. The boys on the bikes peddle faster as they gain on Forrest, running. Forrest tries to run even faster to get away. Suddenly his braces shatter, sending steel and plastic flying into the air. Forrest runs and look down at his legs in surprise. Forrest continues to run faster as the metal braces and straps fly off his legs. Forrest runs free of his braces and begins to pick up speed. The chasing boys ride over the remains of Forrest's braces. FORREST (V.O.) Now, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. EXT. SAVANNAH/ BUS BENCH - DAY FORREST But I can run like the wind blows. The black woman continues to read her magazine. Forrest smiles as he remembers. FORREST From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was running! EXT. OAK ALLEY - DAY (1954) Forrest sprints away from the boys. The boys stop the chase and watch in disbelief. Forrest is already at the far end of the road, clear of the chasing boys. BOY #2 He's gettin' away! Stop him! Boy #1 throws his bike down in frustration. Forrest runs across a field. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD Forrest runs past a chain gang in their prison uniforms. They are cutting at the weeds on the side of the road. EXT. GREENBOW Forrest runs across the street. THE TWO OLD MEN sit in front of the barber shop. OLD CRONY That boy sure is a running fool. EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE Forrest runs down a driveway toward Jenny's small house. FORREST (V.O.) Now remember how I told you that Jenny never seemed to want to go home? Well, she lived in a house that was as old as Alabama. Her Momma had gone up to heaven when she was five and her daddy was some kind of a farmer. Forrest knocks on Jenny's door. FORREST Jenny? Jenny? Forrest look around the field at the left. He notices Jenny and runs toward her. FORREST (V.O.) He was a very lovin' man. He was always kissing and touchin' her and her sisters. And then this one time, Jenny wasn't on the bus to go to school. Forrest runs to Jenny. FORREST Jenny, why didn't you come to school today? JENNY Hsh! Daddy's takin' a nap. Jenny grabs Forrest's hand and runs into the field. Jenny's DAD drunk, steps out onto the porch and shouts. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! JENNY Come on! JENNY'S DAD Jenny, where'd you run to? You'd better come back here, girl! Jenny's dad steps out toward the field. Jenny leads Forrest into the thick tobacco field. Jenny's dad runs through the field searching for Jenny with a liquor bottle in his hand. JENNY'S DAD Where you at? Jenny and Forrest run into a corn field as Jenny's dad tries to chase her. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! Jenny! Where you at? Jenny! Jenny drops to her knees and pulls Forrest down with her. JENNY Pray with me, Forrest. Pray with me. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! JENNY Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always said that God is mysterious. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! Get back here! FORREST (V.O.) He didn't turn Jenny into a bird that day. Instead... EXT. TRAILER PARK/ALABAMA - DAY (1955) A police officer escorts Jenny to her grandmother's trailer. Jenny's grandmother meets Jenny outside and leads her toward the trailer. FORREST (V.O.) ...he had the police say Jenny didn't have to stay in that house no more. She went to live with her grandma just over on Creekmore Avenue, which made me happy 'cause she was so close. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT (1955) Jenny climbs over a second-floor railing and enters the house. FORREST (V.O.) Some nights, Jenny'd sneak out and come over to my house, just 'cause she said she was scared. Scared of what, I don't know... INT. GUMP HOUSE/FORREST'S BEDROOM Jenny lies in bed next to young Forrest. She hugs him. FORREST (V.O.) ...but I think it was her grandma's dog. He was a mean dog. Anyway, Jenny and me was best friends... EXT. GREENBOW/OAK ALLEY - DAY (1961) Forrest and Jenny are teenagers now. They walk along an oaklined road. FORREST (V.O.) ...all the way to high school. Suddenly Forrest is hit in the back with a rock. Forrest and Jenny turn around. OLDER BOY #1 Hey, stupid! JENNY Quit it! A teenage boy throws another rock as a pickup truck pulls up behind him. Jenny turns and looks at Forrest. JENNY Run, Forrest, run! OLDER BOY #1 Hey. Did you hear me, stupid? JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest drops his books and runs down the road. The teenage boy jumps into the back of the pickup truck with another boy as the truck speeds after Forrest. Jenny steps left and gets out of the way. OLDER BOY #2 Come on, he's getting away! Move it! JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! OLDER BOY #1 You better be runnin', stupid. Forrest runs along the road. The truck speeds after him. OLDER BOY #2 Come on, dummy! OLDER BOY #1 Haul ass, dummy! Older Boy throws rocks at Forrest. OLDER BOY #1 Yeah, you better be runnin'! INT. TRUCK BOY Ya-hoo! EXT. OAK ALLEY The boys in the back of the truck throw rocks at Forrest as they drive up to him. OLDER BOY #1 Move it, jack rabbit! The truck follows right on Forrest's heels. A rebel flag license plate adorns the truck's grill. OLDER BOY #1 Come on! Forrest runs along the road as the truck chases him. The boys in the back of the truck pound on the roof as the truck turns right, after Forrest. The truck drives into a field. Forrest runs toward a fence. BOY Run! Faster! Yeah! Go! Go! Come on, Forrest! Yeah! JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest leaps over a five-foot fence as the boys try to catch him. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest looks left as he continues telling his life story. FORREST Now, it used to be, I ran to get where I was goin'. I never thought it would take me anywhere. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL/ROAD - DAY (1961) Forrest runs along the road in front of the high school. The truck continues to chase him as the boys pound on the roof. OLDER BOY Come on. Whoo-hoo! The truck speeds past Forrest as he turns from the road and runs onto the high school football field. Forrest runs across the field during a football scrimmage. In the stands watching the scrimmage is the legendary University of Alabama football coach BEAR BRYANT, wearing his trademark plaid hat. A group of assistant coaches sit around him, as well as the high school football coach. The quarterback throws the ball into the air. Forrest runs past the quarterback. The receiver catches the ball. Forrest runs past the receiver as an opposing player tackles the stunned receiver. The football coach stands, followed by the assistant coaches. FOOTBALL COACH Who in the hell is that? HIGH SCHOOL COACH That there is Forrest Gump. Coach. Just a local idiot. Forrest runs under the field goal post and through the end zone. FORREST (V.O.) And can you believe it? I got to go to college, too. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA STADIUM - DAY (1962) The crowd roars with excitement as a football is kicked off. The football players run around on the field. The crowd of cheering fans create a huge sign that reads: "GO." Forrest is in a University of Alabama football uniform. He looks up into the cheering crowd as his teammate fields the kickoff. The teammate runs over to Forrest and hands him the ball. FOOTBALL COACH Okay! Run! The football coach, the assistants, and Alabama players cheer for Forrest. FOOTBALL COACH Run, you stupid son-of-a-bitch! Run! Forrest runs across the field. He speeds past the defending players. Forrest runs past the opposite players. The crowd cheers wildly, holding up cards, making a large sign that reads: "Go." They turn the cards over, creating the word: "ALABAMA." The football coach runs along the sidelines as he yells. FOOTBALL COACH You stupid son-of-a-bitch! Run! Go! Run! Forrest cuts and runs toward the sidelines. Two opposing players collide. The football coach, the assistants and the players all motion for Forrest to run toward the end zone. FOOTBALL COACH Run! Turn! Go! Forrest turns up the sidelines and runs toward the end zone. Some opposing players fall down. Forrest runs along the sidelines. The opposing players try to catch him. Forrest runs into the end zone as an opposing player dives at his feet. The referee holds up his arm, signaling a touch down. The crowd cheers wildly. Forrest continues to run, smashing through the band members, then all the way toward the team tunnel. The football coach looks at an assistant coach. FOOTBALL COACH He must be the stupidest son-of-a- bitch alive. But he sure is fast! FORREST (V.O.) Now, maybe it was just me but college was very confusing times. INT. GREENBOW/BARBER SHOT - BLACK & WHITE TELEVISION (JUNE 11, 1963) An anchorman named CHET HUNTLEY appears over the television. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) Federal troops enforcing a court order integrated the University of Alabama today. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA - DAY Forrest walks through a crowd of people. CHET HUNTLEY Governor George Wallace had carried out his symbolic threat to stand in the schoolhouse door. GOVERNOR WALLACE We hereby denounce and forbid this illegal and unwarranted action by the central government. INT. GREENBOW/BARBER SHOP A black & white television reveals George Wallace as he stands in the doorway of the schoolhouse. KATZENBACH (on TV) Governor Wallace, I take it from that, uh... EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Forrest steps over to a young man as the crowd looks at the demonstration. KATZENBACH ...statement that you are going to stand in that door, and that you are not going to carry out the orders of this court, and that you are going to resist us from doing so. I would ask you once again to responsibility step aside and if you do not, I'm going to assure you... FORREST Earl, what's going on? EARL Coons are tryin' to get into school. FORREST Coons? When raccoons try to get on our back porch, Momma just chase 'em off with a broom. EARL Not raccoons, you idiot, niggas. And they want to go to school with us. FORREST With us? They do? Forrest walks toward the schoolhouse. INT. COACHES' OFFICE A football coach looks at a black and white television as a newsman outside the schoolhouse speaks to the camera. NEWSMAN (on TV) ...block the doorway, President Kennedy ordered the Secretary of Defense then to use the military force. BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE The footage cuts to Governor Wallace as he speaks to General Graham. NEWSMAN Here by videotape is the encounter by General Graham, Commander of the National Guard, and Governor Wallace. Forrest stands next to George Wallace and listens. GOVERNOR WALLACE We must have no violence today, or any other day, because these National Guardsmen are here today as Federal Soldiers for Alabamans. And they live within our borders and they are all our brothers. We are winning in this fight because we are awakening the American people to the dangers that we have spoken about so many times, just so evident today, the trend toward military dictatorship in this country. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Some of the Alabama policeman and citizens clap their hands as the National Guardsmen stand at attention with their weapons in front of them. Forrest walks through the crowd. Two black students were being led toward the schoolhouse. NEWSMAN And so at day's end the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa had been desegregated and students Jimmy Hood and Vivian Malone had been signed up for summer classes. The young black girl drops one of her books. Forrest notices and steps past the policeman toward the book on the ground. Forrest steps out from the crowd and picks up the book. He brings it up to the girl. FORREST Ma'am, you dropped your book. Ma'am. INT. COACHES' OFFICE - NIGHT (1963) A coach looks at the television. The television reveals Forrest as he stands at the schoolhouse door. He looks around, then waves. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) Governor Wallace did what he promised to do. By being on the Tuscaloosa campus, he kept the mob from gathering and prevented violence. An assistant coach looks at the television, then at the other coaches. ASSISTANT COACH Say, wasn't that Gump? The football coach and two assistant coaches look. Forrest dries himself off with a towel as he steps from the showers. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) NBC News will present a special program on the Alabama integration story at 7:30 p.m. tonight... ASSISTANT COACH Naw, that couldn't be. FOOTBALL COACH It sure as hell was. CHET HUNTLEY ...standard Eastern Daylight Time. Now a word from Anacin. Forrest steps up to the coaches' area and grabs a clean towel. The coaches turn and stare at Forrest. Forrest gives them one of his silly waves, then walks away. COLOR FOOTAGE - Governor Wallace waves to the crowd as he stands behind a podium with his wife. FORREST (V.O.) A few years later, that angry little man at the schoolhouse door thought it would be a good idea, and ran for President. COLOR FOOTAGE - Governor Wallace mingles in a crowd. Gunshots are fired, wounding him. Some men wrestle the shooter. Wallace lies wounded on the ground. FORREST (V.O.) But, somebody thought that it wasn't. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest sits on the bench as the black woman looks at him. A WHITE WOMAN with a bay sits left. FORREST But he didn't die. A bus pulls up to the bus stop. The BLACK WOMAN looks down at her watch. BLACK WOMAN My bus is here. FORREST Is it the number 9? BLACK WOMAN No, it's the number 4. The Black Woman gets up and steps over to the bus. FORREST It was nice talkin' to you. The white woman sits closer to Forrest. WHITE WOMAN I remember when that happened, when Wallace got shot. I was in college. FORREST Did you go to a girls' college, or to a girls' and boys' together college? WHITE WOMAN It was co-ed. FORREST 'Cause Jenny went to a college I couldn't go to. It was a college just for girls. EXT, GIRLS' COLLEGE/JENNY'S DORM - NIGHT (1963) Forrest sits outside Jenny's dorm in the rain. FORREST (V.O.) But, I'd go and visit her every chance I got. A car pulls up. A song is heard from the radio. Forrest, holding a box of chocolates, looks at the car. The two people inside the car begins to kiss and embrace each other. Jenny is inside the car with a boy. She leans back against the passenger side door as they struggle to get comfortable. JENNY Ouch! That hurts. Forrest gets up and runs toward the car. He tries to look in the window as he steps over to the driver's side door. He opens the door and begins to punch the boy inside. Jenny jump out of the car and runs over to Forrest. JENNY Forrest! Forrest! Forrest, stop it! Stop it! BILLY Jesus! JENNY What are you doing? FORREST He was hurtin' you. Jenny's date, named BILLY, gets out of the car angrily. BILLY What the hell is going on here? JENNY No, he's not! BILLY Who is that? Who is that? JENNY Get over there! Jenny turns and looks at Billy. He shoves Jenny's hands away from him. JENNY Billy, I'm sorry. BILLY What in the hell, git, would you git away from me! JENNY Don't... Wait a second! BILLY Git, just git away from me! JENNY Don't go! Billy, wait a second! Billy gets back into the car. JENNY He doesn't know any better! Billy pulls away as Jenny steps toward Forrest. JENNY Forrest, why'd you do that? Forrest holds out the box of chocolates. FORREST I brought you some chocolates. I'm sorry. I'll go back to my college now. JENNY Forrest, look at you! Come on. Come on. Jenny grabs Forrest hand and leads him toward the dorm. INT. JENNY'S DORM/HALLWAY Jenny and Forrest sneak to Jenny's door. FORREST Is this your room? JENNY Shh! Jenny unlocks the door and they step inside. INT. JENNY'S DORM ROOM Jenny pulls a robe off of her sleeping roommate's bed. Jenny hands the robe to Forrest, sitting on Jenny's bed. JENNY Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be? FORREST Who I'm gonna be? JENNY Yeah. FORREST Aren't I going to be me? JENNY Well, you'll always be you, just another kind of you. You know? I want to be famous. Jenny picks up a towel, then walks back toward Forrest. Jenny dries the water from her hair. JENNY I want to be a singer like Joan Baez. I just want to be an empty stage with my guitar, my voice... just me. Jenny takes off her slip and sits on the bed next to him. She is only wearing her bra and panties. Forrest looks at Jenny like he's never seen a woman in her underwear before. JENNY And I want to reach people on a personal level. I want to be able to say things, just one-to-one. Forrest looks down at Jenny's breasts. Jenny realizes that he is looking at her. JENNY Have you ever been with a girl, Forrest? FORREST I sit next to them in my home economics class all the time. DJ (over radio) You're listening to WHHY in Birmingham, the clear A.M. voice of Northern Alabama. I'm Joel Dorn... Forrest looks at Jenny as she removes her bra. Forrest looks away, a bit shamed. Jenny takes his hand and guides it up to her breast. DJ (over radio) ...coming to you on a night that is anything but clear. The weatherman says that rain's gonna fall all night long so stay with us, get warm, get cozy, get under the covers to the cool sounds of WHHY. Forrest looks over at Jenny's breasts, the shudder as he has an orgasm. FORREST Ohh... Oh... I'm sorry. Sorry. JENNY It's okay. DJ (over radio) ...444-6789, with ya till sunrise, playing the music you want to hear when you want to hear it. If you have a request or dedication, give us a call. We guarantee you'll hear your requests within one hour. Forrest breathes heavily. Jenny puts her bra back on. JENNY It's all right. Jenny leans over and puts her head on Forrest's shoulder. DJ (over radio) Candy is on the line tonight. Candy's answering the phones, give Candy your request, your dedication, and ask her why she won't go out with me, would you? Here's more music. JENNY It's okay. FORREST Oh, I'm dizzy. A song is coming over the radio. Jenny hugs Forrest. JENNY I bet that never happened in home ec. FORREST No. Jenny laughs and kisses Forrest on the cheek. Forrest and Jenny hug on the bed as Jenny's roommate pretends to be asleep, but is listening, horrified, with her eyes open. FORREST I think I ruined your roommate's bathrobe. JENNY I don't care. I don't like her, anyway. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA/FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY (1963) Forrest runs across the field as the defending team chases him. The crowd yells for Forrest. They flip a sign that reads: "Go Forrest." CROWD Run! Run! Run! Forrest runs along the field. The crowd cheers. CROWD Run! Run! Run! Forrest runs into the end zone. The band members rush toward Forrest with their hands up, signaling him to stop. The crowd flips over cards, creating a sign that reads "STOP." CROWD Stop! Forrest stops in the end zone as he hears the crowd yells. The band motions for Forrest to stop and stay in the end zone. A group of defending players fall over each other in the end zone. Forrest looks as the crowd cheers wildly. FORREST (V.O.) College ran by real fast 'cause I played so much football. BLACK AND WHITE PARAMOUNT NEWSREEL - DAY (1963) The White House with the words "The eyes and ears of the world Paramount News" superimposed. FORREST (V.O.) They even put me on a thing called the All-America Team where you get to meet the President of the United States. BLACK AND WHITE NEWSREEL PRESIDENT KENNEDY holds an autographed football as the All- American Team stands behind him. Forrest is among the players in suits. ANNOUNCER (over newsreel) President Kennedy met with the Collegiate All-American Football Team at the Oval Office today. INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION AREA - DAY (1963) The All-American players mingle around the food table. Forrest steps up to the table. A large spread of food and soda is on the table. FORREST (V.O.) Now, the real good thing about meeting the President of the United States is the food. Forrest takes a bottle of Dr. Pepper from the buffet table. Numerous bottle of Dr. Pepper are displayed on the table. A servant opens the bottle for him. FORREST (V.O.) They put you in this little room with just about anything you'd want to eat or drink. And since number one, I wasn't hungry, but thirsty... Forrest begins to guzzle the Dr. Pepper. FORREST (V.O.) ...and number two, they was free, I musta drank me about fifteen Dr. Peppers. Forrest sets down an empty Dr. Pepper bottle next to a large number of other empty bottles. Forrest holds his stomach and burps. BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE - President Kennedy shakes hands with the All-American football players. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 1ST PLAYER It's an honor, Sir. Another player steps up to the President and shakes the President's hand. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 2ND PLAYER Very good, Sir. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 3RD PLAYER Very good, Sir. The player walks away. Forrest steps up to the President. The President shakes his hand. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How do you feel? FORREST I gotta pee. President Kennedy turns and smiles. PRESIDENT KENNEDY I believe he said he had to go pee. INT. WHITE HOUSE/BATHROOM Forrest urinates in the bathroom, then lowers the lid and flashes. Forrest washes his hands, then notices an autographed photo from Marilyn Monroe and a photo of John with his brother Bobby. FORREST (V.O.) Sometime later, for no particular reason, somebody shot that nice young President when he was ridin' in his car. ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE - DAY SLOW MOTION - President Kennedy rises in a convertible and smiles. FORREST And a few years after that... ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE - Robert Kennedy stands at a podium as people around him applaud. FORREST (V.O.) ...somebody shot his little brother, too, only he was in a hotel kitchen. EXT. SAVANNHA/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest sits on the bench and shakes his head. FORREST It must be hard being brothers. I wouldn't know. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA - DAY - GRADUATION DAY (1966) Students in their caps and gowns step forward the podium to receive their diplomas. Forrest's name is called. He steps up and accepts his diploma. DEAN Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) Now can you believe it? After only five years of playing football, I got a college degree. The dean shakes Forrest's hand vigorously. Forrest looks out into the crowd. DEAN Congratulations, son. Mrs. Gump, sitting in the audience, cries. FORREST (V.O.) Momma was proud. Forrest and Mrs. Gump have their picure taken in front of a large statue. A military recruiter spots Forrest and steps up to him. MRS. GUMP Forrest, I'm so proud of you. Here, I'll hold this for you. Mrs. Gump takes the diploma from Forrest. The recruiter slaps Forrest on the shoulder and hands him some military literature. MILITARY RECRUITER Congratulations, son. Have you given any thought to your future? FORREST Thought? Forrest looks at a pamphlet with a photo of "Uncle Sam" and the caption "EXCELLENT CAREERS FOR EXCELLENT YOUNG MAN. Apply now at your local U.S. Army Recruiting Center." FORREST (V.O.) Hello, I'm Forrest... INT. ARMY BUS - DAY (1966) Forrest steps onto the army bus. Rain pours outside as the army bus driver yells at Forrest. FORREST ...Forrest Gump. ARMY BUS DRIVER Nobody gives a hunk of shit who you are, fuzzball! You're not even a lowlife scum sucking maggot! Get your faggoty ass on the bus. You're in the Army now! Forrest is about to sit on the first available seat, but the recruit sitting there refuses Forrest. RECRUIT #1 This seat's taken. Forrest tries to sit on the next seat, but the 2nd recruit slides over, blocking him. RECRUIT #2 It's taken. Forrest steps forward, looking much like he did on his first bus ride to school years ago. FORREST (V.O.) At first, it seemed like I made a mistake. A large black recruit with a strange look on his face, much like Forrest's, looks up from his seat. His name is BUBBA. FORREST (V.O.) ...seeing how it was my induction day and I was already gettin' yelled at. Bubba moves his case over, making room for Forrest to sit down. BUBBA You can sit down... if you want to. FORREST (V.O.) I didn't know who I might meet or what they might ask. Bubba hands Forrest a handkerchief. BUBBA You ever been on a real shrimp boat? FORREST No, but I been on a real big boat. BUBBA I'm talkin' about a shrimp catchin' boat. I've been workin' on shrimp boats all my life. I started out my uncle's boat, that's my mother's brother, when I was about maybe nine. I was just lookin' into buyin' a boat of my own and got drafted. My given name is Benjamin Buford Blue. Bubba and Forrest shake hands. BUBBA People call me Bubba. Just like one of them redneck boys. Can you believe that? FORREST My name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) So Bubba was from Bayou La Batre, Alabama, and his momma cooked shrimp. INT. LOUISIANA/KITCHEN - DAY (1966) Bubba's mother, a robust woman in a cook's uniform, carries a bowl of shrimp into a dining room. She sets it down on a table in front of a wealthy white man. FORREST (V.O.) And her momma before her cooked shrimp. INT. SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH/KITCHEN - DAY (EARLY DAYS OF SLAVERY) Bubba's grandmother carries a bowl of shrimp into a dining room. She sets it down on a table in front of a wealthy white man. FORREST (V.O.) And her momma before her momma cooked shrimp, too. Bubba's family knew everything... INT. ARMY BUS - DAY (1966) FORREST (V.O.) ...there was to know about the shrimpin' business. BUBBA I know everything there is to know about the shrimpin' business. Matter of fact, I'm goin' into the shrimpin' business for myself after I get out the Army. FORREST Okay. INT. BARRACKS - DAY A DRILL SERGEANT is in Forrest's face as Forrest stands in line with the other recruits. DRILL SERGEANT Gump! What's your sole purpose in this Army? FORREST To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant! DRILL SERGEANT Godamnit, Gump! You're a goddamned genius! That's the most outstanding answer I've ever heard. You must have a godamned I.Q. of a hundred and sixty! You are godamned gifted, Private Gump! The Drill Sergeant moves down the line to the next man. DRILL SERGEANT Listen up, people... FORREST (V.O.) Now, for some reason, I fit in the Army like one of them round pegs. It's not really hard. You just make your bed real neat and remember to stand up straight. DRILL SERGEANT That is one very intelligent individual! You lock your scuzzy bodies up behind that private and do exactly what he does and you will go far in this man's army! FORREST (V.O.) And always answer every question with "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" DRILL SERGEANT Is that clear? FORREST & RECRUITS Yes, Drill Sergeant! ANOTHER DAY The recruits are sitting at the base of their bunks assembling their rifles. Bubba speaks to Forrest. BUBBA What you do is you just drag your nets across the bottom. On a good day, you can catch over a hundred pounds of shrimp. If everything goes all right, two men shrimpin' ten hours, less what you spends on gas, you can... Forrest finishes assembling his rifle as the other recruits are still working on theirs. FORREST Done, Drill Sergeant! DRILL SERGEANT Gump! The Drill Sergeant rushes up to Forrest. DRILL SERGEANT Why did you put that weapon together so quickly, Gump? FORREST You told me to, Drill Sergeant. The Drill Sergeant looks at his stop watch. DRILL SERGEANT Jesus Christ! This is a new company record. If it wouldn't be a waste of such a damn fine enlisted man, I'd recommended you for O.C.S., Private Gump. You are gonna be a General some day, Gump! Now, disassemble your weapon and continue! The Drill Sergeant walks away as Forrest begins to disassemble his rifle. After the Drill Sergeant walks past Bubba, Bubba looks up at Forrest. Bubba continues talking about shrimp in his slow southern drawl. BUBBA Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There, uh, shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole... ANOTHER DAY Bubba and Forrest shine their boots. BUBBA ...shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp... ANOTHER DAY Bubba and Forrest are on their hands and knees as they scrub the floor with toothbrushes. BUBBA ...shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... that's, that's about it. NIGHT Bubba lies in his bunk and looks up quietly. FORREST (V.O.) Nighttime in the Army is a lovely time. Forrest lies in his bunk and looks up. FORREST (V.O.) We'd lay there in our bunks, and I'd miss my momma. And I'd miss Jenny. A young private tosses a Playboy magazine onto Forrest. YOUNG PRIVATE Hey, Gump. Get a load of the tits on her! Forrest pick up the magazine and turns the page, revealing Jenny as she poses with a school sweater on, and that's all. The pictorial is titled: "Girls of the South." Forrest looks up with shock. He cranes his head up for a closer look. FORREST (V.O.) Turns out, Jenny had gotten into some trouble over... some photos of her in her college sweater. And she was thrown out of school. SONG "My baby does the hanky-panky..." INT. NASHVILLE/NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT (1966) Forrest, in his army uniform, steps into the foyer of the club. FORREST (V.O.) But that wasn't a bad thing. Because a man who owns a theater in Memphis, Tennessee, saw those photo and offered Jenny a job singing in a show. The first chance I got, I took the bus up to Memphis to see her perform in that show. EMCEE steps out onto the stage. EMCEE That was Amber, Amber Flame. Give her a big hand, guys. Good job, Amber. And now, for your listening and viewing pleasure, direct from Hollywood, California, our very own beatnik beauty, let's give a big round of applause to the luscious Bobbie Dylan. CROWD Bobbie... Bobbie... The emcee walks back off the stage and the curtain opens, revealing Jenny as she sits on a stool on the stage. She holds a guitar up and begins to play. She is topless. JENNY (sings) "Yes, and how many seas must the white dove said, before she sleeps in the sand." FORREST (V.O.) Her dream had come true. She was a folk singer. JENNY (sings) "Yes, how many times must the cannonballs fly before they're forever banned." MAN #1 You gotta lose the guitar, darling. MAN #2 Hey, come on, baby. Shake it up. Shake it up now. MAN #3 Hey, somebody ought to get her a harmonica. The men laugh. JENNY (sings) "The answer, my friend is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in... MAN # ...skin, honey. This isn't Captain Kangaroo. MEN Yeah! Come on! Man #5 reaches up and tries to stick some money in Jenny's shoe. MAN #5 : Hey, honey, I got something here for you. Jenny kicks his hand. He yells angrily as he sits back down, then tosses his drink on her. MAN #5 Goddamnit! JENNY Hey! Hey! Stupid jerk! I'm singing a song here. Polly, get out here! MAN # Hey, show us some stuff, honey! JENNY Shut up! Oh, shut up! Forrest walks up to Man #5 and grabs him and tosses him down on the ground. Man #4 tries to grab Forrest, but Forrest shoves him down too. JENNY Forrest, what are you doing here? What are you doing? Forrest climbs up onto the stage and picks Jenny up, guitar and all, and carries her. FORREST Come on. JENNY What are you doing? Forrest, let me down! Jenny struggles and frees herself from Forrest. Forrest steps back in surprise. Jenny shoves the guitar at Forrest. Jenny walks off as Forrest holds the guitar. He follows after her. EXT. MEMPHIS BRIDGE - NIGHT Forrest follows Jenny over a bridge outside the night club. JENNY You can't keep doing this, Forrest. You can't keep tryin' to rescue me all the time. FORREST They was tryin' to grab you. JENNY A lot of people try to grab me. Just -- you can't keep doing this all the time! FORREST I can't help it. I love you. JENNY Forrest, you don't know what love is. Jenny turns and looks over the bridge. JENNY You remember that time we prayed, Forrest? We prayed for God to turn me into a bird so I could fly far, far away? FORREST Yes, I do. JENNY You think I can fly off this bridge? FORREST What do you mean, Jenny? JENNY Nothing. Jenny turns and looks at the light of an approaching vehicle. She steps into the street. JENNY I gotta get outta here. Jenny runs and flags down the approaching vehicle. FORREST But wait. Jenny! JENNY Forrest, you stay away from me, okay? You just stay away from me, please. A pickup truck pulls over as Jenny looks at the driver. JENNY Can I have a ride? DRIVER Where you going? JENNY I don't care. DRIVER Get in the truck. FORREST So bye-bye, Jenny. They sendin' me to Vietnam. It's this whole other country. Jenny walks toward Forrest. She looks at the driver. JENNY Just hang on a minute. Jenny walks up to Forrest. JENNY Listen, you promise me something, okay? Just if you're ever in trouble, don't try to be brave, you just run, okay? Just run away. FORREST Okay. Jenny, I'll write you all the time. Jenny takes a last look at Forrest, then climbs into the truck. Forrest watches Jenny in the pickup as it drives away. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that. EXT. GREENBOW/GUMP BOARDING HOUSE/RIVER - DAY Forrest, dressed in his uniform, sits on a log and looks out at a river. FORREST (V.O.) ...she was gone. Mrs. Gump walks toward Forrest and sits down next to him on the log. Forrest leans down, placing his head on his mother's shoulder. MRS. GUMP You come back safe to me, do ya hear? EXT. VIETNAM/MEKONG DELTA - MORNING (1967) The shadow of a helicopter over the rice field below. A soldier is manning a gun from inside the helicopter. The solider looks left, Forrest and Bubba ride in the helicopter. EXT. FIREBASE/4TH PLATOON The helicopter circles overhead, then lands at the firebase. SONG "Some folks are born made to wave the flag. Ooh, they're red, white and blue. And when the band plays "Hail to the Chief," ohh, they point the cannon at you all. It ain't me. It ain't me. I ain't no Senator's son, no. It ain't me. It ain't me..." Bubba and Forrest jump out of the helicopter with their gear/ They walk and look around oddly. FORREST (V.O.) Now, they told us that Vietnam was gonna be very different from the United Sates of America. The soldier places a case of beer on a large stack of cases. He takes two beers out and walks away. In the background, soldiers are barbecuing steaks and drinking beer. FORREST (V.O.) Except for all the beer cans and the barbecue, it was. BUBBA Y'know, I bet there's shrimp all in these waters. They tell me these Vietnams is good shrimp. You know, after we win this war, and we take over everything we can get American shrimpers to come on here and shrimp these waters. We'll just shrimp all the time, man. So much shrimp, why, you wouldn't believe it. Lieutenant DAN TAYLOR steps out of a tent. Shirtless, he holds a roll of toilet paper in his hand. LT. DAN You must be my F.N.G.'s. BUBBA AND FORREST Morning', sir! LT. DAN Ho! Get your hands down. Do not salute me. There are goddamned snipers all around this area who would love to grease an officer. I'm Lieutenant Dan Taylor. Welcome to Fourth Platoon. Lt. Dan looks at Bubba. LT. DAN What's wrong with your lips? BUBBA I was born with big gums, sir. LT. DAN Yeah, well, you better tuck that in. Gonna get that caught on a trip wire. Where you boys from in the world? BUBBA & FORREST Alabama, sir! LT. DAN You twins? Forrest and Bubba look at each other oddly, they don't get the joke. FORREST No, we are not relations, sir. LT. DAN Look, it's pretty basic here. Lt. Dan starts to walk. Bubba and Forrest grab their gear and follow him. LT. DAN You stick with me, you learn from the guys who been in country awhile, you'll be right. There is one item of G.I. gear that can be the difference between a live grunt and a dead grunt. Lt. Dan stops and looks at the boys. LT. DAN Socks, cushion, sole, O.D. green. Try and keep your feet dry when we're out humpin'. I want you boys to remember to change your socks wherever we stop. The Mekong will eat a grunt's feet right off his legs. Lt. Dan steps over to a large black soldier named SERGEANT SIMS. LT. DAN Sergeant Sims! Goddamnit, where is that sling-rope I told you to order. SGT. SIMS I put in requisitions at Battalion. LT. DAN Yeah, yeah, yeah, well you call those sonabitches again, call them again and again and again. I don't care how much it takes... FORREST (V.O.) Lt. Dan sure knew his stuff. I felt real lucky he was my lieutenant. He was from a long, great military tradition. Somebody in his family had fought and died in every single American war. EXT. VALLEY FORGE/THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR - DAY (1778) A distant relative of Lt. Dan's, wearing a revolutionary war uniform, falls dead in the snow. EXT. GETTYSBURG/THE CIVIL WAR - DAY (1863) Another relative, wearing a civil war uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to Lt. Dan, falls down dead. EXT. NORMANDY/WORLD WAR II - DAY (1944) Another relative, wearing a World War II, falls down dead on the beach at Normandy. EXT. VETNAM/MEKONG DELTA/FIREBASE - DAY (1967) LT. DAN Goddamnit, kick some ass! SGT. SIMS I'm on it, Lieutenant. LT. DAN Get on it! Lt. Dan steps back up to Bubba and Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to. Lt. Dan walks along the walkway and Bubba and Forrest follow. LT. DAN So, you boys are from Arkansas, huh? Well, I've been through there. Little Rock's a fine town. Now, go shake down your gear, see the platoon sergeant, draw what you need for the field. Lt. Dan steps inside the latrine, still holding the roll of toilet paper. LT. DAN If you boys are hungry, we got steaks burnin' right here. Lt. Dan sits down out of sight in the latrine, then stands up, looking at the boys. LT. DAN Two standing orders in this platoon. One, take good care of your feet. Two, try not to do anything stupid, like gettin' yourself killed. Lt. Dan sits back down out of sight in the latrine. Bubba and Forrest look at each other. FORREST I sure hope I don't let him down. EXT. RICE FIELD - ANOTHER DAY Forrest, Bubba, and other soldiers in the Fourth Platoon walk across the rice field. Some Vietnamese rice farmers are working as the soldiers walk past. FORREST (V.O.) I got to see a lot of countryside. We would take these real long walks. EXT. JUNGLE/DIRT ROAD - ANOTHER DAY Forrest's unit walks along a dirt road. SONG And we were always lookin' for this guy named Charlie. I can't get no relief. Suddenly Lt. Dan holds up his fist, a signal for the unit to stop. He motions for them to get down. LT. DAN Hold it up! SGT. SIMS Hold up, boys! Forrest gets down and looks around. FORREST (V.O.) It wasn't always fun. Lt. Dan always gettin' these funny feelings about a rock or a trail, or the road, so he'd tell you to get down, shut up! LT. DAN Get down! Shut up! FORREST (V.O.) So we did. Lt. Dan motions for the lead soldier to get down. Lt. Dan crouches down. Lt. Dan looks at the soldiers and points to his eyes. He lies down on the dirt road and crawls. FORREST (V.O.) Now, I don't know much about anything, but I think some of American's best young men served in this war. There was Dallas, from Phoenix. Cleveland, he was from Detroit. CLEVELAND Hey, Tex. Hey, Tex. Man, what the hell's going on? Tex holds up his hand, motioning that he doesn't know. FORREST (V.O.) And Tex was, well, I don't remember where Tex come from. LT. DAN Ah, nothin'. Fourth Platoon, on your feet! Still got ten clicks to go to that river. Forrest stands up and begins to walk with the platoon. LT. DAN All right, move out! Comin' out. Look alive out there. FORREST (V.O.) The good thing about Vietnam is there was always someplace to go. LT. DAN (V.O.) Fire in the hole! EXT. VIETNAM/VIET CONG FOXHOLE - ANOTHER DAY Lt. Dan walks away as Forrest rushes over, aims two pistols in the hole, then climbs inside. FORREST (V.O.) And there was always something to do. LT. DAN Mount 'em up. SGT. SIMS Spread out! Cover his back. ANOTHER DAY - The platoon walks through a rice paddy, waits deep in water. It begins to rain. FORREST (V.O.) One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. EXT. JUNGLE The rain pours down on Forrest and Bubba as they sit in a foxhole. FORREST (V.O.) We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... ANOTHER DAY - The platoon walks through the jungle as rain pours down on them. FORREST (V.O.) ...and big ol' fat rain. ANOTHER DAY - The platoon shelters themselves as they walk through the wind and rain. FORREST (V.O.) Rain that flew in sideways. ANOTHER DAY - Forrest and other soldiers walk chest-deep through a river. The rain splatters back up from the river, hitting the soldiers. Forrest holds his hand up to protect his face. FORREST (V.O.) And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. EXT. ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT The rain pours down on the men of the platoon as they sit in a camp. Bubba sits down next to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) Shoot, it even rained at night. Bubba leans his back up against Forrest's back. BUBBA Hey Forrest... FORREST Hey Bubba... BUBBA I'm gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. BUBBA This way, we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud. You know why we a good partnership, Forrest? 'Cause we be watchin' out for one another. Like brothers and stuff. Hey, Forrest, there's somethin' I've been thinkin' about. I got a very important question to ask you. How would you like to go into the shrimpin' business with me? FORREST Okay. BUBBA Man, I tell you what, I got it all figured out, too. So many pounds of shrimp to pay off the boat, so many pounds for gas, we can just live right on the boat. We ain't got to pay no rent. I'll be the captain; we can just work it together. Split everything right down the middle. Man, I'm tellin' you, fifty-fifty. And, hey, Forrest, all the shrimp you can get. FORREST That's a fine idea. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba did have a fine idea. ANOTHER NIGHT - Some soldiers patrol the area. Forrest lies in a pup tent and writes a litter as the rain pours down. He uses his flashlight to see. FORREST (V.O.) I even wrote Jenny and told her all about it. I sent her letters. Not every day, but almost. I told her what I was doin' and asked her what she was doing, and I told her how I thought about her always. EXT. JENNY'S GRANDMOTHER'S TRAILER - DAY Jenny steps out of the trailer with a backpack and a guitar. She hugs a hippie guy, then jumps into the back of a Volkswagen bus with another guy. FORREST (V.O.) And how I was looking forward to getting a letter from her just as soon as she had the time I'd always let her know that I was okay. EXT. VIETNAM - NIGHT Forrest writes a letter in his tent. FORREST (V.O.) Then I'd sign each letter, "Love, Forrest Gump." EXT. JUNGLE - DAY The Fourth Platoon makes their way through the jungle and rain. SONG "There's something happenin' here. What it is ain't exactly clear. There's a man with a gun over there, telling' me I got to beware." FORREST (V.O.) This one day, we was out walking, like always, and then, just like that, somebody turned off the rain and the sun come out. Forrest looks up as the sun suddenly appears. Forrest's platoon is attacked. A bullet kills the soldier standing next to Forrest. Bombs explode all around as the soldiers scramble to the ground. LT. DAN Take cover! Forrest crawls over a berm as bullets fly overhead and explode all around him. Forrest rolls over and pulls his pack off Lt. Dan lies next to Forrest. LT. DAN Get that pig up here, goddammit! BUBBA Forrest, you okay? Two soldiers with a machine gun fire into the jungle. Lt. Dan shouts into the radio. Forrest begins firing his weapon into the jungle. LT. DAN ...Strongarm, please be advised... Two soldiers pull a wounded soldier into the jungle. BUBBA Medic, we got a man down! LT. DAN Strongarm, this is Leg Lima 6, over! LT. DAN Roger, Strongarm, be advised we have incoming from the treeline at point blue plus two. A.K's and rockets... The machine gunner fires into the treeline. Another soldier helps him with the ammunition. The machine gun jams. SOLDIER WITH BIG MACHINE GUN Misfire! Misfire! LT. DAN Goddammit, Mac! Get that pig unfucked and get it in the treeline! A rocket explodes on the machine gunner and the other soldier, killing them. Forrest looks down and covers his head as rockets explodes all around him. LT. DAN (into radio) Ah, Jesus! My unit is down hard and hurting! 6 pulling back to the blue line, Leg Lima 6 out! Pull back! Pull back! BUBBA Forrest! Run! Run, Forrest! LT. DAN Pull back! BUBBA Forrest! Run! Run, Forrest! Run! Run! SGT. SIMS Pull back! Let's go! Lt. Dan gets up and grabs Forrest by the collar. LT. DAN Run, goddammit, run! The platoon gets up and runs toward the cover of the jungle. Rockets explode all around the field. Forrest runs into the jungle. The soldiers run through the jungle as bullets explode all around. A soldier is blown up by a rocket. A soldier runs through the jungle. Forrest runs past the soldier. SOLDIER Medic! Medic! Jesus, can I get a medic? FORREST (V.O.) I ran and ran, just like Jenny told me to. Rockets explode in the jungle as Forrest runs out toward a clearing. FORREST (V.O.) I ran so far and so fast that pretty soon I was all by myself, which was a bad thing. FORREST Bubba! Forrest turns around, then runs back into the jungle. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba was my best good friend. I had to make sure he was okay. Rockets explode in the jungle. Forrest runs back into the jungle to look for Bubba. 1ST SOLDIER Any friendlies out there? 2ND SOLDIER Yeah, I've got three over there. 1ST SOLDIER Where the hell are you? Forrest stops and aims his weapon. He looks around, scared. FORREST Bubba? Something moves. Forrest turns and looks, then rushes over. FORREST (V.O.) And on my way back to find Bubba, well, there was this boy laying on the ground. FORREST Tex! Tex lies on the ground, his face distorted with pain. FORREST Okay. Forrest reaches down and picks up Tex from the ground. Forrest pulls Tex up over his shoulder, then runs. FORREST (V.O.) I couldn't just let him lay there all alone, scared the way he was, so I grabbed him up and run him out of there. Forrest carries Tex out of the jungle and into the clearing. He sets Tex down on the bank of a river, and runs back into the jungle. FORREST (V.O.) And every time I went back looking for Bubba, somebody else was saying, "Help me, Forrest. Help me." Forrest drops another wounded soldier down at the bank of the river next to Tex, and then runs back toward the jungle. Forrest grabs the third wounded soldier up from the ground and turns him over. It is DALLAS. DALLAS Can't hear... Can't hear... Dallas is dropped off at the bank next to the other wounded soldiers. Forrest turns to go back to the jungle. 2ND WOUNDED SOLDIER No sweat, man. Just lay back. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. FORREST (V.O.) I started to get scared that I might never find Bubba. STRONGARM (over radio) You're danger close for crack air, over. Forrest trips over something and falls to the ground. He looks up to find two bloody legs. It is Lt. Dan, who is wounded. He speaks into the radio. LT. DAN (into radio) Roger, Strongarm, I know my position is danger close! We got Charlie all over this area! I gotta have those fast movers in here now! Over! STRONGARM (over radio) Six, Strongarm, we want... FORREST Lieutenant Dan, Coleman's dead! LT. DAN I know he's dead! My whole goddamned platoon is wiped out! STRONGARM (over radio) Leg Lima 6, Leg Lima 6, how copy you this transmission? Over. Forrest tries to pick up Lt. Dan, who tries to push Forrest away. LT. DAN Goddammit! What are you doing? Leave me here! Get away. Just leave me here! Get out! Forrest pulls Lt. Dan over his shoulder and runs through the jungle. STRONGARM Leg Lima 6, Leg Lima 6. This is Strongarm, be advised, your fast movers are inbound at this time, over. FORREST (V.O.) Then it felt like something just jumped up and bit me. Forrest falls down. FORREST Ah, something bit me! Forrest gets up as Lt. Dan yells. Lt. Dan fires his pistol at the unseen enemy as Forrest pulls him away. LT. DAN You dink son-of-a-bitch! I can't leave the platoon! I told you to leave me there, Gump. Forget about me. Get yourself out! Did you hear what I said! Goddammit, pull me down! Get your ass out of here! Forrest drops Lt. Dan down at the bank, next to the other wounded soldiers. Lt. Dan grabs Forrest by the shirt, angry. LT. DAN I didn't ask you to pull me out of there, goddamn you! What the hell do you think you're going? FORREST To get Bubba. LT. DAN I got an air strike inbound right now. They're gonna nape the whole area. Forrest gets up and runs as Lt. Dan yells after him. LT. DAN Gump, you stay here, goddammit! That's an order! FORREST I gotta find Bubba! Forrest runs through the jungle searching for Bubba. Forrest slows down and looks around carefully. BUBBA Forrest... FORREST Bubba... Bubba looks up as he lies on the ground. BUBBA I'm okay. Bubba holds a palm frond over his wound. Forrest removes the frond to look at the wound. Bubba's chest has been blown open. FORREST Oh, Bubba, no... BUBBA Naw, I'm gonna be all right. Forrest looks around as he hear the voices of the enemy. FORREST Come on. Come on. Come here... Forrest carries Bubba through the jungle. The sound of approaching planes fills the air. BUBBA I'm okay, Forrest. I'm all right. The roar of approaching planes is deafening. Forrest looks up in fear. Three planes dive down toward the jungle. They fire napalm as the jungle explodes with massive fireballs. Forrest runs, carrying Bubba. The fireballs explode behind him. The entire jungle area is in flames as Forrest runs. Forrest carries Bubba to the bank of the river. Lt. Dan and the other wounded soldiers wait for a rescue helicopter. LT. DAN Helo's inbound. Pop smoke, get it up there! FORREST (V.O.) If I'd a known this was gonna be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I'd a thought of something better to say. Forrest looks down at Bubba. A soldier releases a smoke canister. FORREST Hey, Bubba... BUBBA Hey, Forrest. Forrest, why'd this happen? FORREST You got shot. FORREST (V.O.) Then Bubba said something I won't even forget. BUBBA I wanna go home. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba was my best good friend. And even I know that ain't something you can find just around the corner. Bubba was gonna be a shrimpin' boat captain, but instead he died right there by that river in Vietnam. The helicopter fly overhead. BUS STATION - DAY Forrest continues with his life story. A MAN is sitting next to Forrest on the bus bench. FORREST That's all I have to say about that. MAN It was a bullet, wasn't it? FORREST A bullet? MAN That jumped up and bit you. FORREST Oh, yes sir. Bit me directly in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the Army must keep that money, 'cause I still ain't seen a nickel of that million dollars. The only good thing about being wounded in the buttocks... FLASHBACK - INT. US. ARMY HOSPITAL/VIETNAM - DAY Forrest holds two ice cream cones in his hands as he is wheeled on a rolling stretcher. FORREST (V.O.) ...is the ice cream. They gave me all the ice cream I could eat. And guess what. A good friend of mine was in the bed right next door. Forrest, lying on his stomach, is wheeled to his bed. Forrest's butt sticks up and is bandaged. Forrest looks at Lt. Dan lying on the bed. Forrest holds out an ice cream cone for Lt. Dan. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, I got you some ice cream. Lieutenant Dan, ice cream. Lt. Dan, annoyed, takes the ice cream cone and drops it into his bed pan. Forrest slides himself onto his bed. A NURSE reaches toward Lt. Dan. MALE NURSE It's time for your bath, Lieutenant. The male nurse places Lt. Dan's hands on a pull-up bar, then picks up Lt. Dan, whose legs have been amputated. MALE NURSE Harper... Another nurse wheels the rolling bed under Lt. Dan. The male nurse sets Lt. Dan down on the rolling bed. Forrest looks up at Lt. Dan as he is wheeled away. A soldier reads the names from a pile of letters. SOLDIER Cooper, Larson, Webster, Gump, Gump... FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. The soldier hands Forrest a large pile of letters. "Undeliverable as addressed. No forwarding order on file." Jenny Curran Rural Route 2 Greenbow, Ala. 39902 Forrest looks down at the pile of letters. INT. ARMY HOSPITAL/VIETNAM - DAY A group of wounded soldiers hang out in the hospital, recuperating. Forrest sits and watches "Gomer Pyle" on the television. SOLDIER Gump, how can you watch that stupid shit? Turn it off! ANNOUNCER From the D.M.Z. to the Delta, you are tuned to the American Forces Vietnam Network. This is Channel 6, Saigon. Forrest turns the TV off and he is hit on the back of the head by a ping-pong ball. SOLDIER Good catch, Gump. You know how to play this? Forrest shakes his head. SOLDIER Come on, let me show you. Here. The wounded ping-pong player hands Forrest a paddle. Forrest and the wounded ping-pong player step toward the ping-pong table. SOLDIER Now the secret to this game is, no matter what happens, never, never take your eye off the ball. He holds the ball up and moves it back and forth. Forrest keeps his eyes on the ball. SOLDIER All right... The wounded ping-pong player tosses the ball down onto the table. Forrest begins to hit the ball back to the other player. FORREST (V.O.) For some reason, ping pong came very natural to me. SOLDIER See, any idiot can play. FORREST (V.O.) So I started playing it all the time. Forrest hits ping-pong balls. FORREST (V.O.) I played ping-pong even when I didn't have anyone to play ping-pong with. The balls at land in a bed pan positioned on a chair. A group of wounded soldier sit and watch Forrest play with himself. Forrest hits two balls at a time against the opposite side of the table. FORREST (V.O.) The hospital's people said it made me look like a duck in water, whatever that means. Even Lieutenant Dan would come and watch me play. Lt. Dan stares out the window. Forrest lies in his bed asleep. A hand reaches and grabs him. FORREST (V.O.) I played ping-pong so much, I even played it in my sleep. Lt. Dan pulls Forrest to the floor, and holds Forrest down. LT. DAN Now, you listen to me. We all have a destiny. Nothing just happens, it's all part of a plan. I should have died out there with my men! But now, I'm nothing but a goddamned cripple! A legless freak. Look! Look! Look at me! Do you see that? Do you know what it's like not to be able to use your legs? FORREST Well... Yes, sir, I do. LT. DAN Did you hear what I said? You cheated me. I had a destiny. I was supposed to die in the field! With honor! That was my destiny! And you cheated me out of it! You understand what I'm saying, Gump? This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me. I had a destiny. I was Lieutenant Dan Tyler. FORREST Yo-You're still Lieutenant Dan. Lt. Dan looks at Forrest, lets go of Forrest and rolls. Lt. Dan sits up as Forrest looks at him. LT. DAN Look at me. What am I gonna do now? What am I gonna do now? INT. REC ROOM/VIETNAM HOSPITAL - ANOTHER DAY Forrest plays ping-pong by himself. An OFFICER walks up to him. OFFICER P.F.C. Gump? Forrest immediately grabs the ball and places it down on the table under its paddle. Stands at attention. FORREST Yes, sir! OFFICER As you were. The officer holds up an envelope. OFFICER Son, you've been awarded the Medal of Honor. INT. VIETNAM HOSPITAL WARD Forrest steps up to Lt. Dan's bed. FORREST Guess what, Lieutenant Dan, they want to give me a me... Forrest stops in mid-sentence as he looks down at the bed. A heavily bandaged soldier with bloodstains lies there. Forrest turns and look at the NURSE. FORREST Ma'am, what'd they do with Lieutenant Dan? NURSE They sent him home. FORREST (V.O.) Two weeks later, I left Vietnam. INT. BARBER SHOP/GREENBOW - DAY ANCHORMAN (on T.V.) The ceremony was kicked off with a candid speech by the President regarding the need for further escalation of the war in Vietnam. President Johnson awarded four Medals of Honor to men from each of the Armed Services. The television reveals Forrest as he is awarded the Medal of Honor by President Johnson. PRESIDENT JOHNSON America owes you a debt of gratitude, son. Color footage revealing President Johnson as he places the award around Forrest's neck and shakes hands. PRESIDENT JOHNSON I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit? FORREST In the buttocks, sir. PRESIDENT JOHNSON Oh, that must be a sight. President Johnson leans and whispers into Forrest's ear. PRESIDENT JOHNSON I'd kinda like to see that. INT. BARBER SHOP The television revealing Forrest as he drops his pants, bends over and shows the bullet wound on his bare buttocks. President Johnson looks down and smiles. The three men in the barber shop look up in disbelief. Mrs. Gump looks up in shock. PRESIDENT JOHNSON Goddamn, son. EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - DAY Forrest walks by the Lincoln Memorial. A fence surrounds the Memorial, as well as armed military guards. FORREST (V.O.) After that, Momma went to the hotel to lay down, so I went out for a walk to see our national capital. ISABEL Hilary, all right, I've got the vets, what do you want me to do with them? HILARY What are you doing here so late? Forrest takes a photo of the memorial as a woman named Hilary gathers together some veterans against the Vietnam War. HILARY We've been waiting for you for half an hour, so just get them in a line, will you. Hey, hey, come on, pictures later. You look great. Oh come on, get in this line, come on, come on right in line. Come on, let him here, let him in here. Hilary grabs Forrest and puts him in the line with the other vets against the war. FORREST (V.O.) It's a good thing Momma was resting, 'cause the street was awful crowded with people looking at all the statues and monuments. And some of them people were loud and pushy. Hilary leads the line of vets toward the large anti-Vietnam War rally. HILARY Okay, follow me! Come on. The group of vets walk as Forrest tries to take another picture. A vet behind him pushes him along. HILARY Let's move it out. VET Hey, buddy, come on. We could use your help. Forrest walks in the line. A banner reads "Veterans against the War in Vietnam." FORREST (V.O.) Everywhere I went, I had to stand in line. HILARY Follow me, let's go! Hilary leads the vets through a crowd of people outside the rally. Another woman, named Isabel, leads the vets toward the back of a stage. ISABEL All right, come on, guys. HILARY Stand here. VET Hey, you're a good man for doin' this. Good! FORREST Okay. A man, wearing an American flag shirt, stands on the stage. He is anti-war activist ABBIE HOFFMAN. ABBIE HOFFMAN We must declare to that fucking impostor in the White House -- Johnson. We ain't going to work on your farm no more! Yeah! FORREST (V.O.) There was this man, giving a little talk. And for some reason, he was wearing an American flag for a shirt... ABBIE HOFFMAN Now, I'm going to bring up some soldiers that are going to talk about the war, man... FORREST (V.O.) ...and he liked to say the "F" word. A lot. "F" this and "F" that. And every time... ABBIE HOFFMAN ...that war has come home, and we have to stop these politicians... FORREST (V.O.) ...he said "F" word, people, for some reason, well, they'd cheer. ABBIE HOFFMAN ...these guys just told Lyndon Johnson where to stick this fucking war! Yeah! Forrest looks up at the cheering crowd. Abbie turns and motions for Forrest to come up on the stage. ABBIE HOFFMAN Come on, man. Come up here, man. HILARY Come on. Come on. Yeah, you! Hilary pulls Forrest up onto the stage. HILARY Come on, get up there. Come on. Move, move. Let's go! Let's go. The other vets follow Forrest pushes onto the stage and push him toward the microphones. VET Come on, go. You can do it. Just get up there. Go on. That's it. Thousands of cheering protesters stand around the Washington Monument. Forrest looks at the crowd. Abbie Hoffmann steps up to Forrest. ABBIE HOFFMAN Tell us a little bit about the war, man. FORREST The war in Vietnam? ABBIE HOFFMAN The war in Viet-fucking-nam! Abbie raises his fist as the crowd cheers wildly. FORREST Well... FORREST (V.O.) There was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam. FORREST ...there was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam. Forrest looks at the crowd as he speaks. A policeman looks around as he sneaks over to the audio circuit board. FORREST In Vietnam war... The policeman pulls the patch cords out of the audio board. Forrest's amplified voice becomes inaudible. Forrest continues to speak into the microphone, even though no one can hear what he is saying. Hilary looks over and notices the policeman. Hilary rushes over toward the audio board, pushes the policeman away and grabs his night stick. Another protester grabs the policeman and pulls him away. POLICEMAN Hey, what the hell are you doing? HILARY I'll beat your head in, you goddamned oinker! Isabel, Hilary and another protester try to plug the tangled mess of wires back into the audio board. ISABEL Christ, what'd they do with this? Forrest continues to speak into the microphone. The crowd grows restless. CROWD We can't hear you! We can't hear anything! HILARY This one! This one! Give me that! Hilary plugs in the right patch cord. HILARY That's it. FORREST ...and that's all I have to say about that. Forrest looks at the massive crowd. They are silent. Abbie Hoffman steps over to Forrest and pats him on the shoulder. ABBIE HOFFMAN That's so right on, man. You said it all. What's your name, man? FORREST My name is Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. ABBIE HOFFMAN Forrest Gump! Abbie raises his fist into the air. Abbie steps away from Forrest. The crowd cheers. CROWD Forrest Gump! JENNY (screaming) Forrest! Forrest! Jenny wades out into the reflection pool and waves her hand into the air. Forrest recognizes her. FORREST Jenny! Forrest rushes off the stage as Jenny makes her way out into the pool. JENNY Forrest! Forrest jumps down into the crowd and runs. Jenny smiles as she tries to run through the water. The crowd parts as Forrest runs into the pool. Jenny rushes toward him. JENNY Hey! Hey! The massive crowd cheers for the embracing couple in the pool. FORREST (V.O.) It was the happiest moment of my life. EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT/PROTESTER'S ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT Forrest and Jenny walk past the protesters who are camping out on the lawn. FORREST (V.O.) Jenny and me were just peas and carrots again. She showed me around, and even introduced me... INT. BLACK PANTHER HEADQUARTERS/STOREFRONT, D.C. - NIGHT Forrest stands at an open window and looks at the White House. FORREST (V.O.) ...to some of her new friends. A Black Panther, named RUBEN, steps over and pulls the shades down. RUBEN Shut that blind, man. And get your white ass away from that window. Don't you know we in war here? Another Black Panther named MASAI grabs Forrest and pats him down. JENNY Hey man, he's cool. He's cool. He's one of us. He's one of us. MASAI Let me tell you about us. WESLEY Where the hell have you been? JENNY I ran into a friend. MASAI Our purpose here is to protect our black leaders from the racial onslaught of the pig who wishes to brutalize our black leaders, rape our women, and destroy our black communists. BLACK PANTHER Masai, phone. Talk to these guys. WESLEY Who's the baby killer? JENNY This is my good friend I told you about. This is Forrest Gump. Forrest, this is Wesley. Wesley and I live together in Berkeley, and he's the president of the Berkeley chapter of S.D.S. MASAI Let me tell you something else. WESLEY I want to talk to you. JENNY Okay, but... WESLEY No. Now! Goddammit! MASAI We are here to offer protection and help for all of those who need our help, because we, the Black Panthers, are against the war in Vietnam. Yes, we are against any war where black soldiers are sent to the front line to die for a country that hates them. Yes, we are against any war where black soldiers go to fight and come to be brutalized and killed in their own communities as they sleep in their beds at night. Yes, we are against all these racists and imperial dog acts. JENNY You are a fucking asshole! Wesley hits Jenny across the face. Slow motion -- Jenny falls back. Slow motion -- Forrest steps forward with rage. Slow motion -- Wesley turns and looks at Forrest. Forrest tackles Wesley and slams him onto a table. Jenny turns and looks as Masai pulls out a gun. JENNY Forrest! Quit it! Quit it! Forrest! Stop it! Jenny rushes over to Forrest and pulls Forrest off Wesley. JENNY Stop it! Jenny tries to help Wesley as he moans on the floor. Wesley knocks Jenny's hand away. He gets up, holding his bloody lip. WESLEY Oh, God. I shouldn't have brought you here. I should have known it was just gonna be some bullshit hassle. FORREST He should not be hitting you, Jenny. JENNY Come on, Forrest. Jenny steps out the door as Forrest picks up his hat. FORREST Sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party. The group of Black Panthers glare at Forrest. Forrest turns and walks out the room. EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT Forrest and Jenny walk past the White House. Protesters hold a candlelight vigil behind them. JENNY He doesn't mean it when he does things like this. He doesn't. FORREST I would never hurt you, Jenny. JENNY I know you wouldn't, Forrest. FORREST I wanted to be your boyfriend. They walk in silence. Jenny touches Forrest's uniform. JENNY That uniform is a trip, Forrest. You look handsome in it. You do. FORREST You know what? JENNY What? FORREST I'm glad we were here together in our national capitol. JENNY Me too, Forrest. I have so much to tell you, you won't believe what's been going on... FORREST (V.O.) We walked around all night, Jenny and me, just talkin'. EXT. ROUTE 66 - FLASHBACK - DAY Jenny stands in the rain, hitchhiking. A car pulls over to pick her up. Jenny and other other girls get into the car. FORREST (V.O.) She told me about all the travellin' she's done. EXT. COMMUNE IN NEW MEXICO - NIGHT A hippie gives Jenny a sugar cube of acid as they sit in front of a roaring fire. FORREST (V.O.) And how she'd discovered ways to expand her mind and learn how to live in harmony... EXT. HOLLYWOOD/WALK OF FAME - DAY A star with the name "Jean Harlow" on the sidewalk. Jenny and two other girls sing on the sidewalk and collect change from the passersby. Jenny plays the guitar. FORREST (V.O.) ...which must be out west somewhere, 'cause she made it all the way to California. JENNY (sings) "Smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love on another right now" A young hippie looks over his faded Volkswagen at the girls. YOUNG HIPPIE Hey, anybody want to go to San Francisco? JENNY I'll go. YOUNG HIPPIE Far out! EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - DAWN Forrest and Jenny walk through the park. FORREST (V.O.) I was a very special night for the two of us. I didn't want it to end. EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING Jenny carries a backpack as she prepares to board a bus back to Berkeley. FORREST I wish you wouldn't go, Jenny. JENNY I have to, Forrest. WESLEY Jenny? Things got a little out of hand. It's just this war and that, that lyin' son-of-a-bitch Johnson. I would never hurt you. You know that. FORREST You know what I think? I think you should go home to Greenbow. Alabama! JENNY Forrest, we have very different lives, you know. Forrest looks down at Jenny. He pulls his Medal of Honor from around his neck. FORREST I want you to have this. Forrest places the Medal of Honor in Jenny's hand. Jenny looks up at him. JENNY Forrest, I can't keep this. FORREST I got it just by doing what you told me to do. JENNY Why're you so good to me? FORREST You're my girl. JENNY I'll always be your girl. Jenny and Forrest hug each other. Wesley waits for Jenny. Jenny turns and walks up to Wesley. They walk toward the entrance of the bus. Forrest smiles as Jenny looks at her. Jenny climbs up into the bus. Wesley glares at Forrest. Forrest gives Wesley the "evil eye." Jenny through the near window of the bus, knocks on the window. Forrest turns and looks. Jenny waves to Forrest. Forrest looks up and smiles sadly. Jenny gives Forrest the peace sign as the bus pulls away. The sign on the back of the bus reads "Berkeley to D.C." Forrest gives Jenny the peace sign. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, she was gone out of my life again. INT. VETERANS ADMINISTRATION HOSPITAL/REC ROOM - DAY A footage of Neil Armstrong's first step on the moon on television. NEIL ARMSTRONG That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. The, uh, the surface is fine and powdery. I can, I can pick it up loosely. Forrest demonstrates a ping-pong to some wounded vets. FORREST (V.O.) I thought I was going back to Vietnam, but instead, they decided the best way for me to fight communists was to play ping-pong. So I was in the Special Services, traveling around the country cheering up all them wounded veterans and showing them how to play... BUS STOP - PRESENT - DAY Forrest looks at a man. FORREST ...ping-pong. I was so good that some years later... EXT. CHINA/PING-PONG TOURNAMENT - FLASHBACK - DAY Forrest plays ping-pong against a Chinese player. A large mural of Mao Tse-tung hangs on the wall. A crowd of communist leaders sit and watch. FORREST (V.O.) ...the Army decided I should be on the All-American Ping-Pong Team. We were the first Americans to visit the land of China in like a million years or something like that, and somebody said that world peace was in our hands. But all I did was play ping-pong. When I got home... BUS STOP - PRESENT - DAY FORREST ...I was national celebrity. Famouser even than Captain Kangaroo. Color footage of the DICK CAVETT Show. Dick Cavett stands up as he introduces Forrest. DICK CAVETT Here he is, Forrest Gump, right here. Forrest makes his way onto the stage, shakes hands with Dick Cavett. DICK CAVETT Mr. Gump, have a seat. Forrest sits down between JOHN LENNON and Dick Cavett. DICK CAVETT Forrest Gump, John Lennon. JOHN LENNON Welcome home. DICK CAVETT You had quite a trip. Can you, uh, tell us, uh, what was China like? John Lennon lights a cigarette. FORREST Well, in the land of China, people hardly got nothing at all. JOHN LENNON No possessions? FORREST And in China, they never go to church. JOHN LENNON No religion, too? DICK CAVETT Oh. Hard to imagine. JOHN LENNON Well, it's easy if you try, Dick. Forrest looks oddly at John Lennon. FORREST (V.O.) Some years later, that nice young man from England was on his way home to see his little boy and was signing some autographs. For no particular reason at all, somebody shot him. EXT. STUDIO - LATER A guard lets Forrest out a side entrance door. Forrest steps, an then stops as he hears s man sitting in a wheelchair speak to him. LT. DAN They gave you the Congressional Medal of Honor. FORREST Now that's Lieutenant Dan. Lieutenant Dan! Forrest looks at Lt. Dan. He is a dirty with long hair. LT. DAN They gave you the Congressional Medal of Honor! FORREST Yes sir, they sure did. LT. DAN They gave you an imbecile, a moron who goes on television and makes a fool out himself in front of the whole damn country, the Congressional Medal of Honor. FORREST Yes, sir. LT. DAN Well, then, that's just perfect! Yeah, well I just got one thing to say to that. Goddamn bless America. Lt. Dan's wheelchair begins to slide down the ramp and spins around on the icy ground. Forrest looks down at Lt. Dan crashes at the bottom of the ramp. FORREST Lieutenant Dan! EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS - NIGHT Taxi cabs crowd the street as Forrest pushes Lt. Dan along the sidewalk. FORREST (V.O.) Lieutenant Dan said he was living in a hotel. And because he didn't have no legs, he spent most of his time exercising his arms. LT. DAN Take a right, take a right. A taxi driver honks his horn as Forrest wheels Lt. Dan out in front of the taxi. TAXI DRIVER #1 Hey! Come on already! LT. DAN Ah! FORREST What are you doing here in New York, Lieutenant Dan? LT. DAN I'm living off the government tit. Sucking it dry. A taxi skids to a stop, almost hitting them as they cross the street. The taxi honks at Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan slaps the bumper of the taxi. LT. DAN Hey! Hey! Hey! Are you blind? I'm walking here! Ah, get out... TAXI DRIVER #2 Why don't you go home before you kill yourself? Get out of the way! LT. DAN Come on, go! Go! Go! EXT. LT. DAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER A Bob Hope Christmas special in Vietnam on television. Lt. Dan and Forrest watch the television. FORREST (V.O.) I stayed with Lieutenant Dan and celebrated the holidays. BOB HOPE You have a great year and hurry home. God bless you. LT. DAN Have you found Jesus yet, Gump? FORREST I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir. Lt. Dan chuckles, drinks the rest of a bottle of wine and tosses it down. He looks at Forrest. He wheels himself over to television and turns it off. LT. DAN That's all these cripples, down at the V.A., that's all they ever talk about. Lt. Dan picks up another bottle of port wine, but it is empty. He tosses it onto the floor. LT. DAN Jesus this and Jesus that. Have I found Jesus? They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening, but I have to help myself. Now, if I accept Jesus into my heart, I'll get to walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Lt. Dan tosses the empty liquor bottle down and picks another bottle. He becomes enraged as he throws the bottle and looks at Forrest. LT. DAN Did you hear what I said? Walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Well, kiss my crippled ass. God is listening. What a crock of shit. FORREST I'm going to heaven, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Huh? Ah, well, before you go, why don't you get your ass down to the corner and get us another bottle of wine. FORREST Yes, sir. INT. TIMES SQUARE BAR - NIGHT A television shows DICK CLARK as he emcees the Times Square New York Eve celebration. DICK CLARK We are at approximately 45th Street in New York City at One Astor Plaza. This is the site of the old Astor Hotel. Down below us, well over a hundred thousand people are milling about, cheering with horns and whistles and hats... LT. DAN What the hell's in Bayou La Batre? FORREST Shrimpin' boats. LT. DAN Shrimpin' boats? Who gives a shit about shrimpin' boats? FORREST I gotta buy me one of them shrimpin' boats as soon as I have some money. I made me a promise to Bubba in Vietnam, that as soon as the war was over, we'd go in partners. He'd be the captain of the shrimpin' boat and I'd be his first mate. But now that he's dead, that means that I gotta be the captain. LT. DAN A shrimp boat captain. FORREST Yes, sir. A promise is a promise, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Now hear this! Private Gump here is gonna be a shrimp boat captain. Well, I tell you what, Gilligan, the day that you are a shrimp boat captain, I will come and be your first mate. FORREST Okay. LT. DAN If you're ever a shrimp boat captain, that's the day I'm an astronaut. Two sleazy women, named LENORE and CARLA, walk up to Lt. Dan. LENORE Danny, what are you complaining about? CARLA What are you doing, huh? LENORE Mr. Hot Wheels. Who's your friend? FORREST My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump. LT. DAN This is Cunning Carla, and Long-Limbs Lenore. Carla puts a "Happy New Year" crown on Lt. Dan's head. Lenore fixes her makeup. CARLA So where you been, baby-cakes, huh? Haven't seen you around lately. You know, you should have been here for Christmas 'cause Tommy bought a round on the house and gave everybody a turkey sandwich. LT. DAN Well, well, I had, uh, company. LENORE Hey, hey! We was, we was just there. That's at Times Square. Lenore leans and speaks into Forrest's ear. LENORE Don't you just love New Year's? You get to start all over. CARLA Hey, Lenore. LENORE Everybody gets a second chance. FORREST (V.O.) It's funny, but in the middle of all that fun, I began to think about Jenny. DICK CLARK (on television) ...getting wild out there. It's beginning to... INT. APARTMENT/L.A. - NIGHT The New Year's Eve celebration over the T.V. DICK CLARK (over television) ...pour here in Times Square. It's been off-and-on all night, but these people hang in there. Jenny fills her bag with her belongings. FORREST (V.O.) Wondering how she was spending her New Year's night out in California. A man lies passed out on the bed. Jenny looks at her black eye in a mirror, then leaves the apartment. The TV shows the ball in Times Square. CROWD (over television) INT. TIMES SQUARE BAR - NIGHT The ball is lowered, lighting up a sign that reads "1972." CROWD (over television) ...1! Happy New Year! The people in the bar cheer and kiss each other. They blow horns and toss confetti into the air. Forrest looks around as Carla and Lenore lean over and kiss him. PATRONS (sing) "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind... FORREST Happy New Year, Lieutenant Dan! PATRONS (sing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne." INT. LT. DAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER Carla removes her top and sits on top of Dan in his wheelchair. They kiss and play around. Forrest sits in a chair. Lenore leaps on him and begins to kiss Forrest. She reaches down to Forrest's crotch. Forrest stands up nervously, causing Lenore to fall down on the floor. Lenore stands up, angry. LENORE What are you, stupid or something? What's your problem? What's his problem? Did you lose your pecker in the war or something? CARLA What, is your friend stupid or something? LT. DAN What did you say? CARLA I said, is your friend stupid or something? LT. DAN Hey! Don't call him stupid! Lt. Dan throws Carla back onto the bed. CARLA Don't push me like that! LENORE Hey, don't you push her! LT. DAN You shut up! Don't you ever call him stupid! CARLA What's the matter, baby? Why you treating me like shit? LT. DAN Get the hell out of here! LENORE You stupid gimp. You belong in "Ripley's Believe It Or Not." LT. DAN Get the hell out of here! Go on! LENORE You should be in a side show! LT. DAN Go on! Get out of here! Get out of here! LENORE You big loser! CARLA Come on, Lenore. We don't need this shit! LENORE You're so pathetic. LT. DAN Get out of here! Lt. Dan falls out of his wheelchair and lands down on the floor. Carla and Lenore laugh as they leave the apartment. CARLA You retard! LENORE You loser! You freak! Forrest tries to help Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan pushes Forrest away. LT. DAN No! Forrest steps back as Lt. Dan flips back over, then pulls himself back up onto his wheelchair. He breathes heavily. FORREST I'm sorry I ruined your New Year's Eve party, Lieutenant Dan. She tastes like cigarettes. FORREST (V.O.) I guess Lieutenant Dan figured there's some things you just can't change. He didn't want to be called crippled, just like I didn't want to be called stupid. LT. DAN Happy New Year. EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT An ANCHORMAN reports in front of the White House. ANCHORMAN The U.S. Ping-Pong Team met with President Nixon today at an Oval Office ceremony... FORREST (V.O.) And wouldn't you know it... PRESENT - BUS STOP Forrest looks at the fat man on the bus bench. FORREST ...a few months later they invited me and the ping-pong team to visit the White House. So I went again. And I met the President of the United States again. INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY A plaque, presented to Forrest, reads "Presented to Forrest Gump, member of the United States table tennis team as player of the year for 1971. President NIXON holds the plaque. FORREST (V.O.) Only this time they didn't get us rooms in a real fancy hotel. PRESIDENT NIXON So are you enjoying yourself in our national capital, young man? FORREST Yes, sir. PRESIDENT NIXON Well, where are you staying? FORREST It's called the Hotel Ebbott. PRESIDENT NIXON Oh, no, no, no, no. I know of a much nicer hotel. It's brand-new. Very modern. I'll have my people take care of it for you. INT. WATERGATE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Forrest speaks on the phone. SECURITY GUARD Security, Frank Wills. Forrest steps over to a window. Flashlights are moving around in an office across from Forrest's room. FORREST Yeah, sir, you might want to send a maintenance man over to that office across the way. The lights are off, and they must be looking for the fuse box or something, 'cause them flashlights they're, they're keeping me awake. SECURITY GUARD Okay, sir. I'll check it out. FORREST Thank you. SECURITY GUARD No problem. FORREST Good night. SECURITY GUARD Good night. Forrest hangs up the phone. The camera tilts down, revealing the hotel stationary, which reads "The Watergate Hotel." INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY President Nixon makes a resignation speech on TV. PRESIDENT NIXON (over television) Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. The television cuts to a shot of President Nixon standing outside Air Force One with his hands in the peace sign. PRESIDENT NIXON (over television) Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office. As I recall the high hopes for America with which we began this second term, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here in this office... Forrest is playing ping-pong by himself at the gymnasium. An officer steps up to him. OFFICER Sergeant Gump! FORREST Yes, sir! OFFICER As you were. I have your discharge papers. Your service is up, son. The officer hands Forrest an envelope, then walks away. FORREST Does this mean I can't play ping pong no more? OFFICER For the Army it does. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, my service in the United States Army was over. So I went home. Forrest takes his paddle and runs out of the gymnasium. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Mrs. Gump walks out of the house and smiles. Forrest walks up to the house, wearing his uniform. FORREST I'm home, Momma. MRS. GUMP I know, I know. INT. GUMP HOUSE Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk into the house. MRS. GUMP Louise, he's here. He's here, everybody. FORREST (V.O.) Now, when I got home, I had no idea that Momma had had all sorts of visitors. In the house are stacks of ping-pong paddles and life-sized cardboard cutouts of Forrest playing ping-pong. The name on the ping-pong paddles boxes reads: "Gump-Mao table tennis." MRS. GUMP We've had all sorts of visitors, Forrest. Everybody wants you to use their ping-pong stuff. One man even left a check for twenty-five thousand dollars if you'd be agreeable to saying you like using their paddle. FORREST Oh, Momma. I only like using my own paddle. Hi, Miss Louise. LOUISE Hey, Forrest. MRS. GUMP I know that. I know that. But it's twenty-five thousand dollars, Forrest. I thought maybe you could hold it for a while, see if it grows on you. Oh, you look good, Forrest. You look real good. FORREST (V.O.) That Momma, she sure was right. It's funny how things work out. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE/BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE - DAY Forrest walks up to a shack on the edge of the Bayou. A group of black kids play in the front yard. FORREST (V.O.) I didn't stay home for long, because I'd made a promise to Bubba. And I always try to keep my promise. So I went on down to Bayou La Batre to meet Bubba's family and make their introduction. Bubba's mother named MRS. BLUE and her other children look at Forrest. MRS. BLUE Are you crazy, or just plain stupid? FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs. Blue. MRS. BLUE I guess. EXT. BUBBA'S GRAVE - DAY Forrest steps over to Bubba's tombstone. FORREST (V.O.) And of course, I paid my respect to Bubba himself. FORREST Hey, Bubba, it's me, Forrest Gump. I remember everything you said, and I got it all figured out. Forrest pulls out notes from his pocket. FORREST I'm taking the twenty-four thousand, five hundred and six-two dollars and forty-seven cents that I got... EXT. BAYOU - DAY Forrest walks across a yard where men are cleaning shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) ...well, that's left after a new hair cut and a new suit and I took Momma out to real fancy dinner and I bought a bus ticket and three Doctor Peppers. Forrest walks along a wooden pier. Forrest pays an old black shrimper a large wad of cash. OLD SHRIMPER Tell me something. Are you stupid or something? FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, sir. EXT. BUBBA'S GRAVE Forrest stands at the grave. FORREST Well, that's what's left after me saying, "When I was in China on the All-America Ping-Pong Team, I just loved playing ping-pong with my Flex- O-Ping-Pong Paddle." Which everybody knows it isn't true, but Momma says it's just a little white lie so it wouldn't hurt nobody. So, anyway, I'm putting all that on gas, ropes and new nets and a brand-new shrimpin' boat. EXT. BAYOU - DAY Forrest steers his shrimping boat. The boat is old and rusty. Forrest unleashes his nets as his catch of the day drops to the deck. It is a bunch of garbage and shells. Forrest picks up one shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) Now, Bubba had told me everything he knows about shrimpin', but you know what I found out? Shrimpin' is tough. EXT. DOCKS Forrest pulls a couple of shrimp out of a bucket. FORREST I only caught five. OLD SHRIMPER A couple of more, you can have yourself a cocktail. The old shrimper begins to walk away, then stops and looks at Forrest. OLD SHRIMPER Hey, you ever think about namin' this old boat? FORREST (V.O.) I'd never named a boat before, but there was only one I could think of. Forrest paints a name on the side of his boat. The name is "Jenny." FORREST (V.O.) The most beautiful name in the wide world. INT. DISCO Disco lights flash and people dance. A guy asks a girl to dance. GIRL Okay. Jenny sits at a table with some other people. She is snorting cocaine. FORREST (V.O.) Now, I hadn't heard from Jenny in a long while. But... EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE - DAY Forrest stands at the helm as the boat glides across the water. FORREST (V.O.) But I thought about her a lot. And I hoped that whatever she was doing made her happy. INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Drug paraphernalia and a large wad of cash are spread out on a table. A man drops a syringe on the table. He reaches over and touches Jenny. She is pale with dark lines under her eyes. INT. BATHROOM Jenny smears some lines of cocaine on a mirror. She looks at herself in the mirror. EXT. BALCONY Jenny steps out onto the high-rise balcony. She steps up on a table and stands on the edge of the balcony. A busy street lies many stories below. Jenny looks down to the intersection below. She slips over the edge, regains her balance, turns and looks back at the intersection below, and begins to get down from the edge. Jenny grabs a hold of the ledge and carefully climbs down. She sits down on a chair. Jenny rocks back and forth as she cries. She looks up at the sky. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE/FORREST'S BOAT - NIGHT The moon shines above in the sky. Forrest lies in a hammock on his boat. FORREST (V.O.) I thought about Jenny all the time. EXT. FORREST'S BOAT/BAYOU DOCK - DAY Forrest stands at the helm of his boat and slowly glides by the docks. Forrest looks around and notices something and bends down to get a clear view. Lt. Dan sits in his wheelchair on the deck. Forrest looks at Lt. Dan. He smiles, surprised. FORREST Hi! Forrest leaps off of his moving boat and into the water. The boat continues as Forrest clumsily swims. Lt. Dan sits in his wheelchair at the edge of the dock. Forrest flails his arms as he swims up to the dock. Lt. Dan waits for Forrest, smoking a cigar. Forrest climbs up a ladder onto the dock. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, what are you doing here? LT. DAN Well, I thought I'd try out my sea legs. FORREST Well, you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Well, well, Captain Forrest Gump. I had to see this for myself. And I told you if you were ever a shrimp boat captain, that I'd be your first mate. Well, here I am. I am a man of my word. FORREST Okay. Forrest shakes Lt. Dan's hand. LT. DAN Yeah, but don't you be thinking that I'm gonna be calling you sir. FORREST No, sir. Forrest's boat glides, crushing a dock. Forrest and Lt. Dan look at it. FORREST That's my boat. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE WATERS - DAY Forrest's shrimping boat is alone on the gulf waters. LT. DAN I have a feeling if we head the east, we'll find some shrimp. So, take a left. Take a left. Forrest looks up. Lt. Dan is sitting in the rigging. FORREST Which way? LT. DAN Over there! They're over there! Get, get on the wheel and take a left! FORREST Okay. LT. DAN Gump, what are you doing? Take a left! Left! That's where we're gonna find those shrimp, my boy! That's where we'll find 'em. Forrest empties the net. Their "catch" is debris that falls to the deck. FORREST Still no shrimp, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Okay, so I was wrong. FORREST Well, how we gonna find them? LT. DAN Well, maybe you should just pray for shrimp. INT. SMALL CHURCH - DAY The all-black gospel choir sings and claps their hands. FORREST (V.O.) So I went to church every Sunday... Lt. Dan is sitting in his chair at the back of the church. He takes swigs from a liquor bottle. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes Lieutenant Dan came, too. Though I think he left the praying up to me. EXT. BOAT - ANOTHER DAY A catch of junk is dumped onto the deck. Lt. Dan lowers himself from the rigging. FORREST No shrimp. LT. DAN Where the hell's this God of yours? The wind begins to blow strong. FORREST (V.O.) It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that, 'cause right then, God showed up. EXT. BOAT - NIGHT Water sprays on deck during a hurricane. Lt. Dan on the rigging, shouts and shakes his fist as he is pelted by wind and rain. LT. DAN You'll never sink this boat! FORREST (V.O.) Now me, I was scared. But Lieutenant Dan, he was mad. LT. DAN Come on! You call this a storm? Forrest slides back and forth as he attempts to steer the boat. LT. DAN Blow, you son-of-a-bitch! Blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me. I'm right here. Come and get me! You'll never sink this boat! INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY An ANCHORMAN over TV, is standing in front of a pier. ANCHORMAN (over television) Hurricane Carmen came through here yesterday... EXT. BAYOU DOCKS - DAY The anchorman is standing in front of the ruined pier and boats. ANCHORMAN ...destroying nearly everything in its path. And as in other towns up and down the coast, Bayou La Batre's entire shrimping industry... INT. GUMP HOUSE ANCHORMAN ...has fallen victim to Carmen and has been left in utter ruin. Speaking with local officials, this reporter has learned, in fact, only one shrimping boat actually survived the storm. Forrest's boat comes down the river. MRS. GUMP Louise. Louise, there's Forrest! FORREST (V.O.) After that, shrimpin' was easy. FORREST'S BOAT - DAY Lt. Dan and Forrest empty their net. A huge catch of shrimp falls onto the deck. Lt. Dan opens another big catch. Another catch drops open on top of yet another huge catch. Forrest and Lt. Dan smile. FORREST (V.O.) And since people still needed them shrimps for shrimp cocktails and barbecues and all... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT The man sitting on the bench listens to Forrest. An ELDERLY WOMAN sits next to the man. FORREST ...and we were the only boat left standing "Bubba-Gump" shrimp's what they got. We got a whole bunch of boats. Twelve Jenny's, a big ol' warehouse, we even have hats that says "Bubba-Gump" on 'em. "Bubba- Gump Shrimp." It's a household name. MAN Hold on there, boy. Are you telling me you're the owner of the Bubba- Gump Shrimp Corporation? FORREST Yes, sir. We've got more money than Davy Crocket. MAN Boy, I've heard some whoppers in my time, but that tops them all. We was sitting next to a millionaire! The man laughs as he walks away. ELDERLY WOMAN Well, I thought it was a very lovely story. And you tell it so well. With such enthusiasm. FORREST Would you like to see what Lieutenant Dan looks like? ELDERLY WOMAN Well, yes, I would! Forrest shows her the cover of a "Fortune" magazine with Forrest and Lt. Dan on the cover. FORREST That's him right there. The elderly woman looks at the magazine and at Forrest with surprise. FORREST And let me tell you something about Lieutenant Dan. EXT. BOAT/DECK - DAY Forrest and Lt. Dan are working on the boat. LT. DAN Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life. Forrest looks a little surprised. Lt. Dan smiles, then looks away. Lt. Dan pulls himself out of his chair to the railing and jumps into the water. FORREST (V.O.) He never actually said so, but I think he made his peace with God. EXT. BOAT Forrest and Lt. Dan have dinner on the deck. The television shows an assassination attempt on President Gerald Ford. ANCHORMAN (over television) For the second time in seventeen days, President Ford escaped possible assassination today when a woman, Sarah Jane Moore, fired on him as he stepped out of a hotel in San Francisco. MARGO (over radio) Base to Jenny One. Base to Jenny One. LT. DAN Jenny One, go Margo. MARGO (over radio) Forrest has a phone call. LT. DAN Yeah, well you'll have to tell them to call him back. He is indisposed at the moment. MARGO (over radio) His momma's sick. ANCHORMAN (over television) Lynett Alice Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson better known as "Squeaky," attempted to assassinate the President as he was... Forrest dives into the water as he reacts. EXT. ROAD/GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest carries a suitcase as he runs down the road. Forrest runs past the row of mailboxes and turns into the drive. Louise and others are on the front porch. FORREST Where's Momma? LOUISE She's upstairs. INT. GUMP HOUSE - WOMAN'S BED ROOM Forrest opens the door, the doctor stands next to Mrs. Gump in bed. MRS. GUMP Hi, Forrest. DOCTOR I'll see you tomorrow. MRS. GUMP Oh, all right. The doctor looks down at Forrest's legs. DOCTOR We sure got you straightened out, didn't we, boy? The doctor leaves and closes the door. Forrest takes off his hat and steps over to her. FORREST What's the matter, Momma? MRS. GUMP I'm dyin', Forrest. Come on in, sit down over here. FORREST Why are you dyin', Momma? MRS. GUMP It's my time. It's just my time. Oh, now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart. Death is just a part of life. It's something we're all destined to do. I didn't know it, but I was destined to be your momma. I did the best I could. FORREST You did good, Momma. MRS. GUMP Well, I happened to believe you make your own destiny. You have to do the best with what God gave you. FORREST What's my destiny, Momma? MRS. GUMP You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Life is a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. MRS. GUMP I will miss you, Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) She had got the cancer and died on a Tuesday. I bought her a new hat with little flowers on it. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT The elderly woman and Forrest sit. The woman is crying and wipes her eyes with a hankie. FORREST And that's all I have to say about that. A bus stops. Forrest looks at the elderly woman. FORREST Didn't you say you were waiting for the Number Seven bus? ELDERLY WOMAN There'll be another one along shortly. FORREST Now, because I had been a football star, and a war hero, and a national celebrity, and a shrimpin' boat captain, and a college graduate, the city of fathers of Greenbow, Alabama, decided to get together and offered me a fine job. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY Forrest rides a lawn tractor as he moves the football field lawn. FORREST (V.O.) So, I never went back to work for Lieutenant Dan. EXT. GUMP HOUSE MAILBOXES Forrest takes out a letter and opens it. FORREST (V.O.) Though he did take care of my Bubba- Gump money. He got me invested in some kind of fruit company. And so then I got a call from him saying we don't have to worry about money no more. EXT. BUS STOP FORREST And I said, "That's good. One less thing." INT. CHURCH - DAY The choir and members are singing. FORREST (V.O.) Now, Momma said there's only so much fortune a man really needs... EXT. CHURCH The sign reads: "Four Square Baptist Church." A new cross is placed on the steeple. New furniture is taken inside. REVEREND Praise the Lord. FORREST (V.O.) ...and the rest is just for showing off. So, I gave a whole bunch of it to the Four Square Gospel Church. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY The sign reads: "Gump Medical Center Bayou La Batre, Alabama." The ribbon-cutting ceremony. FORREST (V.O.) And I gave a whole bunch to the Bayou La Batre Fishing Hospital. EXT. BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE A postman delivers a letter to Bubba's mom. She opens the letter. FORREST (V.O.) And even though Bubba was dead, and Lieutenant Dan said I was nuts. I gave Bubba's mommy Bubba's share. She is surrounded by her many children. She looks at the check and faints. EXT. BUS STOP FORREST And you know what... INT. FLORIDA CONDO A door opens as a white woman serves Bubba's mom some shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) She didn't have to work in nobody's kitchen no more. MRS. BLUE Smells wonderful! EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD Forrest rides the mower. FORREST (V.O.) And 'cause I was godzillionaire and I liked doing it so much. I cut that grass for free. EXT. GUMP HOUSE BALCONY - NIGHT Forrest looks down the road as he steps onto the porch. FORREST (V.O.) But at nighttime, when there was nothing to do and the house was all empty, I'd always think of Jenny. Jenny's image walks, then vanishes. Forrest looks away. He turns and walks into the house. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Jenny walks across the lawn to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) And then, she was there. JENNY Hello, Forrest. FORREST Hello, Jenny. FORREST (V.O.) Jenny came back and stayed with me. INT. GUMP HOUSE Jenny lies asleep in bed. FORREST (V.O.) Maybe it was because she had nowhere else to go. Or maybe it was because she was so tired, because she went to bed and slept and slept like she hadn't slept in years. It was wonderful having her home. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Forrest and Jenny walking. FORREST (V.O.) Every day we'd take a walk, and I'd jabber on like a monkey in a tree. And she'd listen about ping-pong and shrimpin' boats and Momma makin' a trip to heaven. I did all the talkin'. Jenny most of the time was real quiet. FORREST ...big ol' gobs of rain and little bitty stinging rain and rain... Jenny's old house stands at the end of the dirt road. It appears to be deserted. Jenny walks toward the house and stops. She stares at the house. Forrest walks toward Jenny. Jenny suddenly heaves a rock angrily at the house. She throws other things at the house. JENNY How could you do this? She breaks a window. Jenny collapses to the ground and sobs. Forrest knees down next to her. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks. EXT. OLD OAK TREE - DAY Jenny and Forrest sit on a limb together. FORREST (V.O.) I never really knew why she came back, but I didn't care. It was like olden times. We was like peas and carrots again. INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Jenny sits by the vase of flowers and look out the window. FORREST (V.O.) Every day I'd pick pretty flowers and put them in her room for her. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest closes his eyes as he sits on the porch. Jenny places a box of Nike running shoes in his lap. FORREST (V.O.) And she gave me the best gift anyone could ever get in the wide world. JENNY Okay, you can open your eyes. FORREST New shoes. JENNY They make them just for running. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Through the windows, Forrest and Jenny are dancing as it rains outside. FORREST (V.O.) And she even showed me how to dance. And, well, we was like family... Jenny and me. EXT. RIVER - NIGHT Jenny and Forrest sit on a log together and look at the river. Jenny places her arms around Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) And it was the happiest time of my life. The fireworks explode in the sky. INT. GUMP'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Statue of Liberty is shown on the TV. Fireworks go off. Forrest and Jenny are watching the 4th of July celebration on TV. ANNOUNCER (over television) And this Fourth is witnessing one of the largest fireworks displays in the nation's two-hundred year history... JENNY You done watching it? FORREST Mm-hmm. ANNOUNCER (over television) ...here in New York Harbor. After the spectacular display of tall ships earlier, the Statue of Liberty... Jenny stands up and kisses Forrest on the cheek. JENNY I'm going to bed. Jenny turns off the TV and walks outside. Forrest stands as he puts down his Dr. Pepper. Jenny walks toward the stairs. FORREST Will you marry me? I'd make a good husband, Jenny. JENNY You would, Forrest. FORREST But you won't marry me. JENNY You don't want to marry me. FORREST Why don't you love me, Jenny? I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is. Forrest turns and walks toward the door. Jenny turns and walks up the stairs. Forrest stands outside. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT The house stands in the rain. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest lies in his bed as the door opens. Jenny gets into bed next to Forrest. FORREST Jenny? JENNY Forrest, I do love you. Jenny and Forrest kiss. Jenny takes off her nightgown as they make love. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Jenny carries her purse and walks toward a waiting cab. CAB DRIVER Where are you running off to? JENNY I'm not running. INT. GUMP HOUSE The cab drives away as Forrest is asleep in his bed. The Congressional Medal lies on a table by a ping-pong paddle. Forrest holds a glass of milk and wears his bathrobe. He looks at the medal he had give to Jenny. Jenny's bed is made. Forrest stands in the doorway looking at the room and bed where Jenny had been. EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY Forrest sit on a rocking chair with his running shoes on. He is still, as if in a trance. He slowly puts on his Bubba- Gump cap. Forrest stands. He walks off the porch. He begins to jog across the lawn. His speed increases as he runs farther away. Forrest runs down the drive away from his house. FORREST (V.O.) That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. Forrest runs to the end of the drive, then turns right and runs down the highway. FORREST (V.O.) So I ran to the end of the road, and when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY The three men sit as they watch the television. Forrest runs through the main street of town. NEWSCASTER President Carter, suffering from heat exhaustion fell into the arms of security agents. FORREST (V.O.) And when I got there... EXT. ALABAMA ROAD The sign reads "Entering Greenbow County." FORREST (V.O.) ...I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great... Forrest runs by a sign that reads "Mississippi welcomes you. The Magnolia State." FORREST (V.O.) ...state of Alabama. And that's what I did I ran clear across Alabama. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST For no particular reason, I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. EXT. SANTA MONICA - DAY The sign reads "Santa Monica yacht harbor sports fishing - boating - cafes." Forrest runs under the sign and onto the pier. FORREST (V.O.) And when I got there, I figured since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN Forrest runs to a pier at the Atlantic Ocean. FORREST (V.O.) When I got to another ocean, I figured since I've gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going. Forrest runs across the pier. A lighthouse stands at the end of the pier. FORREST (V.O.) When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST When I had to go, you know, I went. ELDERLY WOMAN And so, you just ran? FORREST Yeah. EXT. HIGHWAY Forrest is running along the highway. Forrest runs down a road between field of wheat. A Mountain river. Forrest runs across a cobble-stone bridge. The Rocky Mountains are behind him in distance. Forrest runs through some meadowland. Split rail fences line the road. FORREST (V.O.) I'd think a lot about Momma and Bubba, and Lieutenant Dan, but most of all, I thought about Jenny. I thought about her a lot. EXT. BARBER SHOP The three men in the barber shop watch the news on television. NEWSCASTER For more than two years now, a man named Forrest Gump, a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama, stopping only to sleep, has been running across America. INT. COFFEE SHOP Jenny fills customer's coffee cups. NEWSCASTER Charles Cooper brings us this report. NEWSMAN For the fourth time on his journey across America, Forrest Gump, a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama, is about to cross the Mississippi River again today. The TV shows Forrest runs across a bridge that reads "Mississippi River." JENNY I'll be damned. Forrest... EXT. MISSISSIPPI BRIDGE NEWSMAN Sir, why are you running? 1ST REPORTER Why are you running? 2ND REPORTER Are you doing this for world peace? 3RD REPORTER Are you doing this for women's right? NEWSMAN Or for the environment? REPORTER Or for animals? 3RD REPORTER Or for nuclear arms? FORREST (V.O.) They just couldn't believe that somebody would do all that running for no particular reason. 2ND REPORTER Why are you doing this? FORREST I just felt like running. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST I just left like running. EXT. SMALL EASTERN TOWN Forrest runs as a YOUNG MAN runs up to him. YOUNG MAN It's you. I can't believe it's really you. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST Now, for some reason what I was doing seemed to make sense to people. EXT. SMALL EASTERN TOWN The young man jobs behind Forrest. YOUNG MAN I mean, it was like an alarm went off in my head, you know. I said, here's a guy that's got his act together. Here's somebody who's got it, all figured out. Here's somebody who has the answer. I'll follow you anywhere, Mr. Gump. FORREST (V.O.) So, I got company. Forrest runs up a slope on a high mountain road. A group of people are jogging behind him. FORREST (V.O.) And after that I got more company. And then... A large group jogs behind Forrest across the desert road. FORREST (V.O.) ...even more people joined in. Somebody later told me... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST ...it gave people hope. Now... Now, I don't know anything about that, but... Forrest and his followers job through a small town. A man runs up and talks to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) Some of those people asked me if I could help them out. AGING HIPPIE Hey, man, hey, listen. I was wondering if you might help me, huh? Listen, I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think up a good slogan. And since you have been such a big inspiration to the people around here, I thought you might be able to help me jump into... Whoa! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dogshit! The hippie jumps over the "dogshit" as he runs along Forrest. FORREST It happens. AGING HIPPIE What, shit? FORREST Sometimes. The hippie stops to ponder this profound thought. FORREST (V.O.) And some years later I heard that fella did come up with a bumper sticker slogan... A bumper sticker reads "Shit Happens." FORREST (V.O.) ...and he make a lot of money off of it. The truck with the bumper sticker drives into an intersection. It collides with a car. EXT. TRUCK STOP Forrest runs, followed by his group, as a man runs up to him. FORREST (V.O.) Another time I was running along, somebody who had lost all his money in the T-shirt business, and he wanted to put my face on a T-shirt, but he couldn't draw that well and he didn't have a camera. WILD-EYED MAN I think it would be really fortunate for me if I could get your name on these, oh, your face and name on these T-shirts. It would be wonderful. A truck splashes mud onto Forrest as it goes by. The man hands Forrest a yellow T-shirt to use as a rag to wipe the mud off. WILD-EYED MAN Here, use this one. Nobody likes that color anyway. Forrest wipes his face on the towel and hands it back to the man. FORREST Have a nice day. The man looks at the T-shirt. He holds it up displaying the "Happy Face." FORREST (V.O.) And some years later I found out that that man did come up with a idea for a T-shirt and he made a lot of money off of it. EXT. MONUMENT VALLEY Forrest runs with a group that follows behind him. FORREST (V.O.) Anyway, like I was saying, I had a lot of company. My Momma always said you got to put the past behind you before you can move on. And I think that's what my running was all about. I had run for three years, two months, fourteen days, and sixteen hours. Forrest stops running. The group stops behind him. Forrest stands and looks as the group waits expectantly. Forrest turns and look. YOUNG MAN Quiet. Quiet, he's gonna say something. FORREST I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go home now. Forrest walks toward the group. The group parts for Forrest as he walks down the middle of the road. YOUNG MAN Now what are we supposed to do? FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, my running days was over. So, I went home to Alabama. A television shows President Reagan and his staff as they react to gunshots in front of a limo. NEWSCASTER (over television) Moments ago, at two twenty-five p.m., as President Reagan was leaving the Washington Hilton Hotel... INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest sits eating a sandwich, watching the news of the assassination attempt. NEWSCASTER ...five or six gunshots were fired by an unknown would-be assassin. The President was shot in the chest and the assailant was immediately tackled by a half a dozen lawmen. As the Presidential... LOUISE I picked up the mail. FORREST Oh, thank you, Miss, Miss Louise. FORREST (V.O.) One day, out of the blue clear sky, I got a letter from Jenny... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT Forrest takes the letter out of his pocket. FORREST ...wondering if I could come down to Savannah to see her, and that's what I'm doing here. She saw me on TV, running, I'm supposed to go on the Number Nine bus to Richmond Street and get off and go one block left to 1-9-4-7 Henry Street, Apartment 4. The elderly woman looks at the letter. ELDERLY WOMAN Why, you don't need to take a bus. Henry Street is just five or six blocks down that way. FORREST Down that way? ELDERLY WOMAN Down that way. Forrest hastily grabs his suitcase and letter as he stands. FORREST It was nice talking' to you. Forrest runs, the elderly woman shouts from the bus stop bench. A truck honks its horn as Forrest runs across the street past the truck. ELDERLY WOMAN I hope everything works out for you. INT. JENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jenny opens the door. JENNY Hey! Forrest! How you doing? FORREST Hi. JENNY Come in. Come in. FORREST I got your letter. JENNY Oh, I was wondering about that. Jenny shuts the door. Forrest looks around. FORREST Is this your house? JENNY Yeah, it's messy right now. I just got off work. FORREST It's nice. You got air conditioning. Forrest hands Jenny the box of chocolates. FORREST Ah... JENNY Thank you. FORREST I ate some. Jenny picks up a scrapbook and turns the pages. JENNY Hey, I kept, I kept a scrapbook of your, of your clippings and everything. There you are. This, I got your running. FORREST I ran a long way. For a long time. JENNY There. Listen, Forrest. I don't know how to say this. Um, I just... I want to apologize for anything that I ever did to you, 'cause I was messed up for a long time, and... There is a knock at the door. LYNN MARIE enters as she opens the door. LYNN MARIE Yoo-hoo. JENNY Hey. LYNN MARIE Hi. Jenny grabs a young boy. JENNY Hey, you. This is an old friend from Alabama. LYNN MARIE Oh, how do you do? JENNY Ah, listen, next week my schedule changes, so I'll be able to... but thanks for picking up. LYNN MARIE No problem. Got to go, Jen. I'm double parked. JENNY Okay. Lynn Marie closes the door and waves bye to Forrest. LYNN MARIE Bye. JENNY Thanks. This is very good friend, Mr. Gump. Can you say hi to him? LITTLE BOY Hello, Mr. Gump. FORREST Hello. LITTLE BOY Now, can I go watch TV now? JENNY Yes, you can. Just keep it low. The little boy runs into other room and picks up TV remote control. FORREST You're a momma, Jenny. JENNY I'm a momma. His name is Forrest. FORREST Like me. JENNY I named him after his Daddy. FORREST He got a daddy named Forrest, too? JENNY You're his daddy, Forrest. Forrest continues to stare at Forrest Jr. Forrest then looks frightened and starts to back away. JENNY Hey, Forrest, look at me. Look at me, Forrest. There's nothing you need to do, okay? You didn't do anything wrong. Okay? Jenny turns and looks at Forrest Jr. in the other room. JENNY Isn't he beautiful? FORREST He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But... is, is he smart, or is he... JENNY He's very smart. He's one of the smartest in his class. Forrest breathes deep. He looks at Jenny, then at Forrest Jr. JENNY Yeah, it's okay. Go talk to him. Forrest walks into the room and sits down next to Forrest Jr. "Sesame Street" is on the TV. BERT Oh, great. ERNIE Hey, Bert, can you give me a hand? BERT A hand? Well, yeah, what do you want, Ernie? FORREST What are you watching. FORREST JR. Bert and Ernie. ERNIE Well, it's the first stage. Bert. It's planning to write a story, Bert. I have pencils right here to write with, Bert. Now, we got, uh, paper. I'll take that paper, Bert. See, we have the paper to write on. EXT. PARK - DAY Forrest and Jenny sit on a bench. Forrest Jr. swings behind them. JENNY Forrest, I'm sick. FORREST What, do you have a cough due to cold? JENNY I have some kind virus. And the doctors don't, they don't know what it is. And there isn't anything they can do about it. FORREST You could come home with me. Jenny, you and little Forrest could come stay at my house in Greenbow. I'll take care of you if you're sick. JENNY Would you marry me, Forrest? FORREST Okay. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY A group has gathered on the lawn for the wedding. Louise walks up to Forrest. MINISTER Please take your seats. LOUISE Forrest, it's time to start. Jenny walks out of the house. Forrest walks over to greet her. She wears a white dress. She walks up to Forrest and adjusts his necktie. JENNY Hi. Your tie. Lt. Dan is walking across the lawn. He uses a cane. A WOMAN is walking next to him. FORREST Lieutenant Dan? Lieutenant Dan! LT. DAN Hello, Forrest. Jenny walks over to Forrest and Lt. Dan. FORREST You got new legs. New legs! LT. DAN Yeah, I got new legs. Lt. Dan lifts his pant leg to display his metal leg. LT. DAN Custom-made titanium alloy. It's what they use on the space shuttle. FORREST Magic legs. LT. DAN This is my fiancee, Susan. FORREST Lieutenant Dan! Susan shakes Forrest's hand. SUSAN Hi, Forrest. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, this is my Jenny. JENNY Hey, it's nice to meet you, finally. Jenny steps forward and kisses Lt. Dan's cheek. The group is seated as they watch Forrest and Jenny take vows on the front lawn. Forrest Jr. stands next to Jenny. MINISTER Do you, Forrest, take Jenny to be your wife? Do you, Jenny, take Forrest to be your husband? If so, I pronounce you man and wife. The wind blows fallen leaves across the ground. Jenny, Forrest, and Forrest Jr. walk toward the house. They all hold hands as they walk. INT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Forrest steps into Jenny's bedroom. He carries a tray with breakfast on it. Forrest looks at Jenny as she sleeps. Slowly she wakes up and looks at Forrest. FORREST Hey. JENNY Hey. Forrest sets the tray down next to Jenny as she sits up in bed. Forrest opens a window, then sits down next to the bed. JENNY Hey, Forrest, were you scared in Vietnam? FORREST Yes. Well, I, I don't know. EXT. VIETNAM - FLASHBACK - NIGHT Forrest looks up into the sky as the rain stops. Forrest removes his helmet. The stars emerge from behind the clouds. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out. And then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou... EXT. BAYOU - FLASHBACK - SUNSET Forrest stands on his boat and looks at a deep orange and red sunset. FORREST (V.O.) There was over a million sparkles on the water. Like that mountain lake. EXT. MOUNTAIN LAKE - FLASHBACK - DAY Forrest runs along a highway. A lake reflects the mountains and the sky. FORREST (V.O.) It was so clear, Jenny. It looks like there were two skies, one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up... EXT. DESERT - FLASHBACK - SUNRISE Forrest runs along a desert highway. The morning light casts an orange glow over the desert. FORREST (V.O.) I couldn't tell where heavens stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful. INT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Forrest looks at Jenny. Jenny looks out the window. JENNY I wish I could have been there with you. FORREST You were. Jenny reaches over and takes Forrest's hand. JENNY I love you. FORREST (V.O.) You died on a Saturday morning. EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE AT OLD OAK TREE - DAY Forrest stands under the old oak tree where Jenny has been buried. FORREST And I had you placed here under our tree. Jenny's grave marker. Forrest tries to hold back his tears. FORREST And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground. EXT. JENNY'S OLD HOUSE - DAY Forrest watches as Jenny's dad's house is knocked down by a bulldozer. FORREST (V.O.) Momma... EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE FORREST ...always said dyin' was a part of life. Jenny's grave marker reads: JENNY GUMP July 16, 1945 -- March 22, 1982 Beloved Mother, Wife and Friend FORREST I sure wish it wasn't. Little Forrest, he's doing just fine. INT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest Jr. reads a book to Forrest sitting next to him. FORREST JR. (reading) "But he wasn't quite sure. Everywhere they went, the new guests... FORREST (V.O.) About to start school again soon. I make his breakfast, lunch, and dinner... EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE Forrest looks down as he sobs. FORREST ...every day. I make sure he combs his hair and brushes his teeth every day. Teaching him how to play ping pong. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest tries to teach Forrest Jr. how to play ping-pong. FORREST Okay... FORREST (V.O.) He's really good. FORREST Forrest, you go. Forrest Jr. serves the ball, causing Forrest dive and miss it. EXT. GUMP HOUSE/RIVER - DAY Forrest and Forrest Jr. sit on a log by the river and fish. FORREST (V.O.) We fish a lot. EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE Forrest looks down at the grave marker. FORREST And every night, we read a book. He's so smart, Jenny. You'd be so proud of him. I am. He, uh, wrote a letter, and he says I can't read it. I'm not supposed to, so I'll just leave it here for you. Forrest places the letter down at the grave marker, next to fresh flowers. The name on the envelope reads: "Mom." Forrest steps back and looks down at the grave. FORREST Jenny, I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away. As Forrest walks away, a flock of birds flies overhead and lands in the tree. Forrest turns and watches. EXT. ROAD - MORNING Forrest walks with Forrest Jr. for the bus. The bus drives toward them. FORREST Here's your bus. Okay. Forrest pulls "Curious George" out of Forrest Jr.'s backpack. FORREST Hey, I know this. FORREST JR. I'm gonna show that for show-and- tell because grandma used to read it to you. Forrest looks at the book. The feather from the beginning of the movie drops out of the book, unnoticed. FORREST My favorite book. The bus comes to a stop. The door opens. FORREST Well... Forrest puts the book back into Forrest Jr.'s backpack and hands it to him. FORREST ...okay. Hey, there you go. Forrest Jr. walks toward the bus. Forrest stands up. FORREST Hey, Forrest. Don't... I wanted to tell you I love you. FORREST JR. I love you too, Daddy. FORREST I'll be right here when you get back. Forrest Jr. looks into the bus and at the bus driver. It is the same bus driver, only older now, who drove Forrest to school when he was a young boy. SCHOOLD BUS DRIVER You understand this is the bus to school now, don't you? FORREST JR. Of course, and you're Dorothy Harris and I'm Forrest Gump. Forrest Jr. looks over and waves to his father. Forrest nods approvingly. Forrest Jr. gets on the bus. The bus pulls away. Forrest stands next to the mailbox. Forrest sits down. The camera cranes down, revealing the feather as it lies at Forrest's feet. A gust of wind picks the feather up. The feather floats up into the air. Forrest sits at the side of the road. The feather floats higher into the air. The feather soars up into the sky and travels up and down, then covers the camera lens. THE END"FORREST GUMP" Screenplay by Eric Roth Based on a novel by Winston Groom EXT. A SAVANNAH STREET - DAY (1981) A feather floats through the air. The falling feather. A city, Savannah, is revealed in the background. The feather floats down toward the city below. The feather drops down toward the street below, as people walk past and cars drive by, and nearly lands on a man's shoulder. He walks across the street, causing the feather to be whisked back on its journey. The feather floats above a stopped car. The car drives off right as the feather floats down toward the street. The feather floats under a passing car, then is sent flying back up in the air. A MAN sits on a bus bench. The feather floats above the ground and finally lands on the man's mudsoaked shoe. The man reached down and picks up the feather. His name is FORREST GUMP. He looks at the feather oddly, moves aside a box of chocolates from an old suitcase, then opens the case. Inside the old suitcase are an assortment of clothes, a pingpong paddle, toothpaste and other personal items. Forrest pulls out a book titled "Curious George," then places the feather inside the book. Forrest closes the suitcase. Something in his eyes reveals that Forrest may not be all there. Forrest looks right as the sound of an arriving bus is heard. A bus pulls up. Forrest remains on the bus bench as the bus continues on. A BLACK WOMAN in a nurse's outfit steps up and sits down at the bus bench next to Forrest. The nurse begins to read a magazine as Forrest looks at her. FORREST Hello. My name's Forrest Gump. He opens a box of chocolates and holds it out for the nurse. FORREST You want a chocolate? The nurse shakes her head, a bit apprehensive about this strange man next to her. FORREST I could eat about a million and a half of these. My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Forrest eats a chocolate as he looks down at the nurse's shoes. FORREST Those must be comfortable shoes. I'll bet you could walk all day in shoes like that and not feel a thing. I wish I had shoes like that. BLACK WOMAN My feet hurt. FORREST Momma always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. Where they're going. Where they've been. The black woman stares at Forrest as he looks down at his own shoes. FORREST I've worn lots of shoes. I bet if I think about it real hard I could remember my first pair of shoes. Forrest closes his eyes tightly. FORREST Momma said they'd take my anywhere. INT. COUNTRY DOCTOR'S OFFICE - GREENBOW, ALABAMA - DAY (1951) A little boy closes his eyes tightly. It is young Forrest as he sits in a doctor's office. FORREST (V.O.) She said they was my magic shoes. Forrest has been fitted with orthopedic shoes and metal leg braces. DOCTOR All right, Forrest, you can open your eyes now. Let's take a little walk around. The doctor sets Forrest down on its feet. Forrest walks around stiffly. Forrest's mother, MRS. GUMP, watches him as he clanks around the room awkwardly. DOCTOR How do those feel? His legs are strong, Mrs. Gump. As strong as I've ever seen. But his back is as crooked as a politician. Forrest walks foreground past the doctor and Mrs. Gump. DOCTOR But we're gonna straighten him right up now, won't we, Forrest? A loud thud is heard as, outside, Forrest falls. MRS. GUMP Forrest! EXT. GREENBOW, ALABAMA Mrs. Gump and young Forrest walk across the street. Forrest walks stiffly next to his mother. FORREST (V.O.) Now, when I was a baby, Momma named me after the great Civil War hero, General Nathan Bedford Forrest... EXT. RURAL ALABAMA A black and white photo of General Nathan Bedford Forrest. The photo turns into live action as the General dons a hooded sheet over his head. The General is in full Ku Klux Klan garb, including his horse. The General rides off, followed by a large group of Klan members dressed in full uniform. FORREST (V.O.) She said we was related to him in some way. And, what he did was, he started up this club called the Ku Klux Klan. They'd all dress up in their robes and their bedsheets and act like a bunch of ghosts or spooks or something. They'd even put bedsheets on their horses and ride around. And anyway, that's how I got my name. Forrest Gump. EXT. GREENBOW Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk across the street. FORREST (V.O.) Momma said that the Forrest part was to remind me that sometimes we all do things that, well, just don't make no sense. Forrest stops suddenly as his brace gets stuck. Forrest's brace is caught in a gutter grate. Mrs. Gump bends down and tries to free Forrest. Two old cronies sit in front of a barber shop and watch. MRS. GUMP Just wait, let me get it. Mrs. Gump struggles to pull the stuck brace from the grate. MRS. GUMP Let me get it. Wait, get it this way. Hold on. Forrest pulls his foot out of the grate. MRS. GUMP All right. Mrs. Gump helps Forrest up onto the sidewalk. She looks up and notices the two old man. MRS. GUMP Oooh. All right. What are you all staring at? Haven't you ever seen a little boy with braces on his legs before? Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along the sidewalk past the two old men. Mrs. Gump holds tightly onto Forrest's hand. MRS. GUMP Don't ever let anybody tell you they're better than you, Forrest. If God intended everybody to be the same, he'd have given us all braces on our legs. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. EXT. OAK ALLEY/THE GUMP BOARDING HOUSE Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along a dirt road. A row of mailboxes stands left. FORREST (V.O.) We lived about a quarter mile of Route 17, about a half mile from the town of Greenbow, Alabama. That's in the county of Greenbow. Our house had been in Momma's family since her grandpa's grandpa's grandpa had come across the ocean about a thousand years ago. Something like that. Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along the Gump Boarding House driveway. FORREST (V.O.) Since it was just me and Momma and we had all these empty rooms, Momma decided to let those rooms out. Mostly to people passing through. Like from, oh, Mobile, Montgomery, place like that. That's how me and Mommy got money. Mommy was a real smart lady. MRS. GUMP Remember what I told you, Forrest. You're no different than anybody else is. Mrs. Gump heads Forrest to the porch. She bends down to look Forrest in the eye. MRS. GUMP Did you hear what I said, Forrest? You're the same as everybody else. You are no different. INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL / PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY PRINCIPAL Your boy's... different, Mrs. Gump. Now, his I.Q. is seventy-five. MRS. GUMP Well, we're all different, Mr. Hancock. The principal sighs, then stands up. INT. HALLWAY Forrest sits outside the principal's office and waits. FORREST (V.O.) She wanted me to have the finest education, so she took me to the Greenbow County Central School. I met the principal and all. The principal stands in front of Mrs. Gump. Forrest, sitting left, listens. PRINCIPAL I want to show you something, Mrs. Gump. Now, this is normal. The principal holds up a chart with a designations according to I.Q. and points to the center of the graph, labeled "Normal." A red line below the normal area is labeled "State Acceptance." The principal points to the section below the acceptance line labeled "Below." PRINCIPAL Forrest is right here. The state requires a minimum I.Q. of eighty to attend public school, Mrs. Gump. He's gonna have to go to a special school. Now, he'll be just fine. MRS. GUMP What does normal mean, anyway? He might be a bit on the slow side, but my boy Forrest is going to get the same opportunities as everyone else. He's not going to some special school to learn to how to re-tread tires. We're talking about five little points here. There must be something can be done. INT. HALLWAY Forrest sits outside the principal's office. PRINCIPAL We're a progressive school system. We don't want to see anybody left behind. INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE PRINCIPAL Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump? MRS. GUMP He's on vacation. EXT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest sits on a swing outside the house. Loud organic male grunts are heard coming from inside the house. Forrest sits on the swing as the grunts continue. The principal steps out of the Gump House and wipes the sweat from his face. Forrest is sitting on the porch. PRINCIPAL Well, your momma sure does care about your schooling, son. Mm-mm-mm. The principal wipes the sweat from his neck, then looks back at Forrest. PRINCIPAL You don't say much, do you? Forrest grunts, imitating him. The principal, embarrassed, turns and walks away. INT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE/FORREST'S BEDROOM Mrs. Gump reads from the book "Curious George" as Forrest sits on the bed and listens. MRS. GUMP Finally, he had to try it. It looked easy, but, oh, what happened. First there... FORREST Momma, what's vacation mean? MRS. GUMP Vacation? FORREST Where Daddy went? MRS. GUMP Vacation's when you go somewhere, and you don't ever come back. Forrest lies down on his bed and looks up. FORREST (V.O.) Anyway, I guess you could say me and Momma was on our own. EXT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE - DAY A cab driver closes the trunk of the car as two women walk toward the house. A milkman steps down from the porch. FORREST (V.O.) But we didn't mind. Our house was never empty. There was always folks comin' and goin'. MRS. GUMP (V.O.) Suppa. INT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE Mrs. Gump steps forward and speaks to all the boarders. MRS. GUMP It's suppa, everyone. Forrest... A MAN WITH A CANE steps left across the hall. MAN WITH CANE My, my. That sure looks special. Mrs. Gump looks into a sitting room and informs the boarders about dinner. MRS. GUMP Gentlemen, would you care to join us for supper? Hurry up and get it before the flies do. I prefer you don't smoke that cigar so close to mealtime. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes we had so many people stayin' with us that every room was filled with travelers. You know, folks livin' out of their suitcases, and hat cases, and sample cases. MRS. GUMP Well, you go ahead and start. I can't find Forrest. Mrs. Gump walks up the stairs. MRS. GUMP Forrest... Forrest... FORREST (V.O.) One time a young man was staying with us, and he had him a guitar case. Mrs. Gump looks into Forrest's room. She hears singing coming from another room and walks over to a closed door. Mrs. Gump opens the door, revealing a young man with long sideburns as he plays the guitar and sings. Forrest holds onto a broom and dances oddly. The young man is ELVIS PRESLEY. ELVIS PRESLEY (sings) "Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit, and you ain't no friend of mine." Forrest's legs rock back and forth to the guitar. MRS. GUMP Forrest! I told you not to bother this nice young man. ELVIS Oh, no, that's all right, ma'am. I was just showin' him a thing or two on the guitar here. MRS. GUMP All right, but your supper's ready if y'all want to eat. ELVIS Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you, ma'am. Mrs. Gump leaves and closes the door. Elvis sits back down. Forrest stands left, and looks himself in a mirror. ELVIS Say, man, show me that crazy little walk you just did there. Slow it down some. Forrest begins to dance again as Elvis plays the guitar and sings. ELVIS (sings) "You ain't nothin' but a hound, hound dog..." FORREST (V.O.) I liked that guitar. Forrest dances as he watches himself in the mirror. FORREST (V.O.) It sounded good. ELVIS (sings) "...cryin' all the time" Forrest rocks up and down on his braced legs, then begins to step. ELVIS (sings) "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog..." FORREST (V.O.) I started moving around to the music, swinging my hips. This one night me and Momma... EXT. GREENBOW - NIGHT Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along a sidewalk. A television inside a store window reveals Elvis Presley as he performs "Houng Dog" on a stage. FORREST (V.O.) ...was out shoppin', and we walked right by Benson's Furniture and Appliance store, and guess what. The television reveals Elvis as he thrusts his hips and sings. ELVIS (sings) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... Mrs. Gump and Forrest watch the television. Elvis dances around in the same manner Forrest did. A woman in the audience screaming and applauding. ELVIS (sings) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... MRS. GUMP This is not children's eyes. Mrs. Gump walks away, pulling Forrest with her. Forrest stops and takes one last look. Elvis continues to perform over the television. ELVIS (sings) "Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine." FORREST (V.O.) Some years later, that handsome young man who they called "The King," well, he sung too many songs, had himself a heart attack or something. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY Forrest is still sitting on the bus bench. The black nurse looks at him. FORREST Must be hard being a king. You know, it's funny how you remember some things, but some things you can't. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD/ALABAMA - MORNING (1954) Mrs. Gump and Forrest wait for the school bus. The bus pulls up as Mrs. Gump prepares Forrest for his first day of school. MRS. GUMP You do your very best now, Forrest. FORREST I sure will, Momma. FORREST (V.O.) I remember the bus ride on the first day of school very well. The bus driver opens the door and looks down. Forrest walks to the steps of the bus and looks at the bus driver. She is smoking a cigarette. BUS DRIVER Are you comin' along? FORREST Momma said not to be taking rides from strangers. BUS DRIVER This is the bus to school. FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. BUS DRIVER I'm Dorothy Harris. FORREST Well, now we ain't strangers anymore. The bus driver smiles as Forrest steps up into the bus. INT. BUS Forrest steps up onto the bus. Mrs. Gump waves to Forrest as the bus drives away. Forrest begins to walk down the aisle. TWO YOUNG BOYS look up from the seat. BOY #1 This seat's taken. BOY #2 It's taken! Forrest looks around. A larger girl slides over so Forrest can't sit next to her. She shakes her head. Forrest looks to the other side where a boy sits alone on a larger seat. They boy glares up at Forrest. BOY #3 You can't sit here. FORREST (V.O.) You know, it's funny what a young man recollects. 'Cause I don't remember being born. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY Forrest continues talking as he sits on the bus bench. FORREST (V.O.) I, I... don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic. But, I do remember the first time I heard the sweetiest voice... INT. BUS - MORNING (1954) Young Forrest is still standing in the aisle on the bus. FORREST (V.O.) ...in the wide world. GIRL You can sit here if you want. Forrest looks back at JENNY CURRAN, a young girl about Forrest's age. FORREST (V.O.) I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life. She was like an angel. JENNY Well, are you gonna sit down, or aren't ya? Forrest sits down next to Jenny. JENNY What's wrong with your legs? FORREST Um, nothing at all, thank you. My legs are just fine and dandy. FORREST (V.O.) I just sat next to her on that bus and had conversation all the way to school. JENNY Then why do you have those shoes on? FORREST My momma said my back's crooked like a question mark. These are going to make me as straight as an arrow. They're my magic shoes. FORREST (V.O.) And next to Momma, no one ever talked to me or asked me questions. JENNY Are you stupid or something. FORREST Mommy says stupid is as stupid does. Jenny puts her hand out toward Forrest. Forrest reaches over and shakes her hand. JENNY I'm Jenny. FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) From that day on, we was always together. Jenny and me was like peas and carrots. EXT. OAK TREE - DAY Young Jenny and Forrest run toward a large oak tree. FORREST (V.O.) She taught me how to climb... Jenny sits on a large branch and calls down to Forrest. JENNY Come on, Forrest, you can do it. Forrest dangles from the branch. FORREST (V.O.) ...I showed her how to dangle. Jenny and Forrest sit on a tree branch and read. FORREST "...a good little monkey and..." FORREST (V.O.) She helped me to learn how to read. Forrest hangs upside down from a branch and swings back and forth. Forrest's braces are wedged in the tree. FORREST (V.O.) And I showed her to swing. EXT. OAK TREE - NIGHT The silhouete of the oak tree, Jenny and Forrest as they sit on a branch. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes we'd just sit out and wait for the stars. FORREST Momma's gonna worry about me. Jenny puts her hand on Forrest's hand. JENNY Just stay a little longer. FORREST (V.O.) For some reason, Jenny didn't never want to go home. FORREST Okay, Jenny. I'll stay. FORREST (V.O.) She was my most special friend. INT. SAVANNAH/BUS STOP - DAY Forrest nods as he remembers. FORREST My only friend. Forrest continues talking to the black woman. She doesn't seem to be listening as she reads her magazine. She looks up from her magazine. FORREST Now, my Momma always told me that miracles happen every day. Some people don't think so, but they do. EXT. OAK ALLEY - ANOTHER DAY (1954) Jenny and Forrest walk. A dirt clod hits Forrest in the back of the head. Jenny looks as Forrest rubs his head. THREE YOUNG BOYS get off their bikes and pick up more rocks. BOY #1 Hey... dummy! Forrest is hit in the eye with another dirt clod. Forrest falls backward onto the ground as the boys glare at him. BOY #2 Are you retarded, or just plain stupid? BOY #3 Look, I'm Forrest Gump. Jenny helps Forrest back up. Boy #1 and Boy #2 throw more dirt clods at Forrest. JENNY Just run away, Forrest. Another dirt clod hits Forrest in the arm. JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest tries to run along the road, but his braces makes it impossible. He hobbles along as Jenny yells after him. JENNY Run away! Hurry! Boy #1 and Boy #2 turn back toward the bikes. BOY #2 Get the bikes! BOY #3 Hurry up! The boys pick up their bikes and ride after Forrest. BOY #3 Let's get him! Come on! BOY #2 Look out, dummy, here we come! The boys ride after Forrest. Jenny stands and watches. BOY #2 We're gonna get you! JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! Forrest hobbles along the dirt road. JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest looks over his shoulder. The three boys race on their bikes. BOY #1 Come back here, you! Forrest begins to run faster with his braces on. Forrest continues running as the boys chase him. Blood drips down from a cut on his head. The boys on the bikes are gaining on Forrest. Forrest hobbles along. He begins to gain speed. JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! SLOW MOTION -- Forrest runs from the chasing room. He looks over his shoulder in fear. The boys on the bikes peddle faster as they gain on Forrest, running. Forrest tries to run even faster to get away. Suddenly his braces shatter, sending steel and plastic flying into the air. Forrest runs and look down at his legs in surprise. Forrest continues to run faster as the metal braces and straps fly off his legs. Forrest runs free of his braces and begins to pick up speed. The chasing boys ride over the remains of Forrest's braces. FORREST (V.O.) Now, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. EXT. SAVANNAH/ BUS BENCH - DAY FORREST But I can run like the wind blows. The black woman continues to read her magazine. Forrest smiles as he remembers. FORREST From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was running! EXT. OAK ALLEY - DAY (1954) Forrest sprints away from the boys. The boys stop the chase and watch in disbelief. Forrest is already at the far end of the road, clear of the chasing boys. BOY #2 He's gettin' away! Stop him! Boy #1 throws his bike down in frustration. Forrest runs across a field. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD Forrest runs past a chain gang in their prison uniforms. They are cutting at the weeds on the side of the road. EXT. GREENBOW Forrest runs across the street. THE TWO OLD MEN sit in front of the barber shop. OLD CRONY That boy sure is a running fool. EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE Forrest runs down a driveway toward Jenny's small house. FORREST (V.O.) Now remember how I told you that Jenny never seemed to want to go home? Well, she lived in a house that was as old as Alabama. Her Momma had gone up to heaven when she was five and her daddy was some kind of a farmer. Forrest knocks on Jenny's door. FORREST Jenny? Jenny? Forrest look around the field at the left. He notices Jenny and runs toward her. FORREST (V.O.) He was a very lovin' man. He was always kissing and touchin' her and her sisters. And then this one time, Jenny wasn't on the bus to go to school. Forrest runs to Jenny. FORREST Jenny, why didn't you come to school today? JENNY Hsh! Daddy's takin' a nap. Jenny grabs Forrest's hand and runs into the field. Jenny's DAD drunk, steps out onto the porch and shouts. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! JENNY Come on! JENNY'S DAD Jenny, where'd you run to? You'd better come back here, girl! Jenny's dad steps out toward the field. Jenny leads Forrest into the thick tobacco field. Jenny's dad runs through the field searching for Jenny with a liquor bottle in his hand. JENNY'S DAD Where you at? Jenny and Forrest run into a corn field as Jenny's dad tries to chase her. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! Jenny! Where you at? Jenny! Jenny drops to her knees and pulls Forrest down with her. JENNY Pray with me, Forrest. Pray with me. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! JENNY Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always said that God is mysterious. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! Get back here! FORREST (V.O.) He didn't turn Jenny into a bird that day. Instead... EXT. TRAILER PARK/ALABAMA - DAY (1955) A police officer escorts Jenny to her grandmother's trailer. Jenny's grandmother meets Jenny outside and leads her toward the trailer. FORREST (V.O.) ...he had the police say Jenny didn't have to stay in that house no more. She went to live with her grandma just over on Creekmore Avenue, which made me happy 'cause she was so close. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT (1955) Jenny climbs over a second-floor railing and enters the house. FORREST (V.O.) Some nights, Jenny'd sneak out and come over to my house, just 'cause she said she was scared. Scared of what, I don't know... INT. GUMP HOUSE/FORREST'S BEDROOM Jenny lies in bed next to young Forrest. She hugs him. FORREST (V.O.) ...but I think it was her grandma's dog. He was a mean dog. Anyway, Jenny and me was best friends... EXT. GREENBOW/OAK ALLEY - DAY (1961) Forrest and Jenny are teenagers now. They walk along an oaklined road. FORREST (V.O.) ...all the way to high school. Suddenly Forrest is hit in the back with a rock. Forrest and Jenny turn around. OLDER BOY #1 Hey, stupid! JENNY Quit it! A teenage boy throws another rock as a pickup truck pulls up behind him. Jenny turns and looks at Forrest. JENNY Run, Forrest, run! OLDER BOY #1 Hey. Did you hear me, stupid? JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest drops his books and runs down the road. The teenage boy jumps into the back of the pickup truck with another boy as the truck speeds after Forrest. Jenny steps left and gets out of the way. OLDER BOY #2 Come on, he's getting away! Move it! JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! OLDER BOY #1 You better be runnin', stupid. Forrest runs along the road. The truck speeds after him. OLDER BOY #2 Come on, dummy! OLDER BOY #1 Haul ass, dummy! Older Boy throws rocks at Forrest. OLDER BOY #1 Yeah, you better be runnin'! INT. TRUCK BOY Ya-hoo! EXT. OAK ALLEY The boys in the back of the truck throw rocks at Forrest as they drive up to him. OLDER BOY #1 Move it, jack rabbit! The truck follows right on Forrest's heels. A rebel flag license plate adorns the truck's grill. OLDER BOY #1 Come on! Forrest runs along the road as the truck chases him. The boys in the back of the truck pound on the roof as the truck turns right, after Forrest. The truck drives into a field. Forrest runs toward a fence. BOY Run! Faster! Yeah! Go! Go! Come on, Forrest! Yeah! JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest leaps over a five-foot fence as the boys try to catch him. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest looks left as he continues telling his life story. FORREST Now, it used to be, I ran to get where I was goin'. I never thought it would take me anywhere. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL/ROAD - DAY (1961) Forrest runs along the road in front of the high school. The truck continues to chase him as the boys pound on the roof. OLDER BOY Come on. Whoo-hoo! The truck speeds past Forrest as he turns from the road and runs onto the high school football field. Forrest runs across the field during a football scrimmage. In the stands watching the scrimmage is the legendary University of Alabama football coach BEAR BRYANT, wearing his trademark plaid hat. A group of assistant coaches sit around him, as well as the high school football coach. The quarterback throws the ball into the air. Forrest runs past the quarterback. The receiver catches the ball. Forrest runs past the receiver as an opposing player tackles the stunned receiver. The football coach stands, followed by the assistant coaches. FOOTBALL COACH Who in the hell is that? HIGH SCHOOL COACH That there is Forrest Gump. Coach. Just a local idiot. Forrest runs under the field goal post and through the end zone. FORREST (V.O.) And can you believe it? I got to go to college, too. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA STADIUM - DAY (1962) The crowd roars with excitement as a football is kicked off. The football players run around on the field. The crowd of cheering fans create a huge sign that reads: "GO." Forrest is in a University of Alabama football uniform. He looks up into the cheering crowd as his teammate fields the kickoff. The teammate runs over to Forrest and hands him the ball. FOOTBALL COACH Okay! Run! The football coach, the assistants, and Alabama players cheer for Forrest. FOOTBALL COACH Run, you stupid son-of-a-bitch! Run! Forrest runs across the field. He speeds past the defending players. Forrest runs past the opposite players. The crowd cheers wildly, holding up cards, making a large sign that reads: "Go." They turn the cards over, creating the word: "ALABAMA." The football coach runs along the sidelines as he yells. FOOTBALL COACH You stupid son-of-a-bitch! Run! Go! Run! Forrest cuts and runs toward the sidelines. Two opposing players collide. The football coach, the assistants and the players all motion for Forrest to run toward the end zone. FOOTBALL COACH Run! Turn! Go! Forrest turns up the sidelines and runs toward the end zone. Some opposing players fall down. Forrest runs along the sidelines. The opposing players try to catch him. Forrest runs into the end zone as an opposing player dives at his feet. The referee holds up his arm, signaling a touch down. The crowd cheers wildly. Forrest continues to run, smashing through the band members, then all the way toward the team tunnel. The football coach looks at an assistant coach. FOOTBALL COACH He must be the stupidest son-of-a- bitch alive. But he sure is fast! FORREST (V.O.) Now, maybe it was just me but college was very confusing times. INT. GREENBOW/BARBER SHOT - BLACK & WHITE TELEVISION (JUNE 11, 1963) An anchorman named CHET HUNTLEY appears over the television. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) Federal troops enforcing a court order integrated the University of Alabama today. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA - DAY Forrest walks through a crowd of people. CHET HUNTLEY Governor George Wallace had carried out his symbolic threat to stand in the schoolhouse door. GOVERNOR WALLACE We hereby denounce and forbid this illegal and unwarranted action by the central government. INT. GREENBOW/BARBER SHOP A black & white television reveals George Wallace as he stands in the doorway of the schoolhouse. KATZENBACH (on TV) Governor Wallace, I take it from that, uh... EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Forrest steps over to a young man as the crowd looks at the demonstration. KATZENBACH ...statement that you are going to stand in that door, and that you are not going to carry out the orders of this court, and that you are going to resist us from doing so. I would ask you once again to responsibility step aside and if you do not, I'm going to assure you... FORREST Earl, what's going on? EARL Coons are tryin' to get into school. FORREST Coons? When raccoons try to get on our back porch, Momma just chase 'em off with a broom. EARL Not raccoons, you idiot, niggas. And they want to go to school with us. FORREST With us? They do? Forrest walks toward the schoolhouse. INT. COACHES' OFFICE A football coach looks at a black and white television as a newsman outside the schoolhouse speaks to the camera. NEWSMAN (on TV) ...block the doorway, President Kennedy ordered the Secretary of Defense then to use the military force. BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE The footage cuts to Governor Wallace as he speaks to General Graham. NEWSMAN Here by videotape is the encounter by General Graham, Commander of the National Guard, and Governor Wallace. Forrest stands next to George Wallace and listens. GOVERNOR WALLACE We must have no violence today, or any other day, because these National Guardsmen are here today as Federal Soldiers for Alabamans. And they live within our borders and they are all our brothers. We are winning in this fight because we are awakening the American people to the dangers that we have spoken about so many times, just so evident today, the trend toward military dictatorship in this country. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Some of the Alabama policeman and citizens clap their hands as the National Guardsmen stand at attention with their weapons in front of them. Forrest walks through the crowd. Two black students were being led toward the schoolhouse. NEWSMAN And so at day's end the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa had been desegregated and students Jimmy Hood and Vivian Malone had been signed up for summer classes. The young black girl drops one of her books. Forrest notices and steps past the policeman toward the book on the ground. Forrest steps out from the crowd and picks up the book. He brings it up to the girl. FORREST Ma'am, you dropped your book. Ma'am. INT. COACHES' OFFICE - NIGHT (1963) A coach looks at the television. The television reveals Forrest as he stands at the schoolhouse door. He looks around, then waves. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) Governor Wallace did what he promised to do. By being on the Tuscaloosa campus, he kept the mob from gathering and prevented violence. An assistant coach looks at the television, then at the other coaches. ASSISTANT COACH Say, wasn't that Gump? The football coach and two assistant coaches look. Forrest dries himself off with a towel as he steps from the showers. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) NBC News will present a special program on the Alabama integration story at 7:30 p.m. tonight... ASSISTANT COACH Naw, that couldn't be. FOOTBALL COACH It sure as hell was. CHET HUNTLEY ...standard Eastern Daylight Time. Now a word from Anacin. Forrest steps up to the coaches' area and grabs a clean towel. The coaches turn and stare at Forrest. Forrest gives them one of his silly waves, then walks away. COLOR FOOTAGE - Governor Wallace waves to the crowd as he stands behind a podium with his wife. FORREST (V.O.) A few years later, that angry little man at the schoolhouse door thought it would be a good idea, and ran for President. COLOR FOOTAGE - Governor Wallace mingles in a crowd. Gunshots are fired, wounding him. Some men wrestle the shooter. Wallace lies wounded on the ground. FORREST (V.O.) But, somebody thought that it wasn't. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest sits on the bench as the black woman looks at him. A WHITE WOMAN with a bay sits left. FORREST But he didn't die. A bus pulls up to the bus stop. The BLACK WOMAN looks down at her watch. BLACK WOMAN My bus is here. FORREST Is it the number 9? BLACK WOMAN No, it's the number 4. The Black Woman gets up and steps over to the bus. FORREST It was nice talkin' to you. The white woman sits closer to Forrest. WHITE WOMAN I remember when that happened, when Wallace got shot. I was in college. FORREST Did you go to a girls' college, or to a girls' and boys' together college? WHITE WOMAN It was co-ed. FORREST 'Cause Jenny went to a college I couldn't go to. It was a college just for girls. EXT, GIRLS' COLLEGE/JENNY'S DORM - NIGHT (1963) Forrest sits outside Jenny's dorm in the rain. FORREST (V.O.) But, I'd go and visit her every chance I got. A car pulls up. A song is heard from the radio. Forrest, holding a box of chocolates, looks at the car. The two people inside the car begins to kiss and embrace each other. Jenny is inside the car with a boy. She leans back against the passenger side door as they struggle to get comfortable. JENNY Ouch! That hurts. Forrest gets up and runs toward the car. He tries to look in the window as he steps over to the driver's side door. He opens the door and begins to punch the boy inside. Jenny jump out of the car and runs over to Forrest. JENNY Forrest! Forrest! Forrest, stop it! Stop it! BILLY Jesus! JENNY What are you doing? FORREST He was hurtin' you. Jenny's date, named BILLY, gets out of the car angrily. BILLY What the hell is going on here? JENNY No, he's not! BILLY Who is that? Who is that? JENNY Get over there! Jenny turns and looks at Billy. He shoves Jenny's hands away from him. JENNY Billy, I'm sorry. BILLY What in the hell, git, would you git away from me! JENNY Don't... Wait a second! BILLY Git, just git away from me! JENNY Don't go! Billy, wait a second! Billy gets back into the car. JENNY He doesn't know any better! Billy pulls away as Jenny steps toward Forrest. JENNY Forrest, why'd you do that? Forrest holds out the box of chocolates. FORREST I brought you some chocolates. I'm sorry. I'll go back to my college now. JENNY Forrest, look at you! Come on. Come on. Jenny grabs Forrest hand and leads him toward the dorm. INT. JENNY'S DORM/HALLWAY Jenny and Forrest sneak to Jenny's door. FORREST Is this your room? JENNY Shh! Jenny unlocks the door and they step inside. INT. JENNY'S DORM ROOM Jenny pulls a robe off of her sleeping roommate's bed. Jenny hands the robe to Forrest, sitting on Jenny's bed. JENNY Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be? FORREST Who I'm gonna be? JENNY Yeah. FORREST Aren't I going to be me? JENNY Well, you'll always be you, just another kind of you. You know? I want to be famous. Jenny picks up a towel, then walks back toward Forrest. Jenny dries the water from her hair. JENNY I want to be a singer like Joan Baez. I just want to be an empty stage with my guitar, my voice... just me. Jenny takes off her slip and sits on the bed next to him. She is only wearing her bra and panties. Forrest looks at Jenny like he's never seen a woman in her underwear before. JENNY And I want to reach people on a personal level. I want to be able to say things, just one-to-one. Forrest looks down at Jenny's breasts. Jenny realizes that he is looking at her. JENNY Have you ever been with a girl, Forrest? FORREST I sit next to them in my home economics class all the time. DJ (over radio) You're listening to WHHY in Birmingham, the clear A.M. voice of Northern Alabama. I'm Joel Dorn... Forrest looks at Jenny as she removes her bra. Forrest looks away, a bit shamed. Jenny takes his hand and guides it up to her breast. DJ (over radio) ...coming to you on a night that is anything but clear. The weatherman says that rain's gonna fall all night long so stay with us, get warm, get cozy, get under the covers to the cool sounds of WHHY. Forrest looks over at Jenny's breasts, the shudder as he has an orgasm. FORREST Ohh... Oh... I'm sorry. Sorry. JENNY It's okay. DJ (over radio) ...444-6789, with ya till sunrise, playing the music you want to hear when you want to hear it. If you have a request or dedication, give us a call. We guarantee you'll hear your requests within one hour. Forrest breathes heavily. Jenny puts her bra back on. JENNY It's all right. Jenny leans over and puts her head on Forrest's shoulder. DJ (over radio) Candy is on the line tonight. Candy's answering the phones, give Candy your request, your dedication, and ask her why she won't go out with me, would you? Here's more music. JENNY It's okay. FORREST Oh, I'm dizzy. A song is coming over the radio. Jenny hugs Forrest. JENNY I bet that never happened in home ec. FORREST No. Jenny laughs and kisses Forrest on the cheek. Forrest and Jenny hug on the bed as Jenny's roommate pretends to be asleep, but is listening, horrified, with her eyes open. FORREST I think I ruined your roommate's bathrobe. JENNY I don't care. I don't like her, anyway. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA/FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY (1963) Forrest runs across the field as the defending team chases him. The crowd yells for Forrest. They flip a sign that reads: "Go Forrest." CROWD Run! Run! Run! Forrest runs along the field. The crowd cheers. CROWD Run! Run! Run! Forrest runs into the end zone. The band members rush toward Forrest with their hands up, signaling him to stop. The crowd flips over cards, creating a sign that reads "STOP." CROWD Stop! Forrest stops in the end zone as he hears the crowd yells. The band motions for Forrest to stop and stay in the end zone. A group of defending players fall over each other in the end zone. Forrest looks as the crowd cheers wildly. FORREST (V.O.) College ran by real fast 'cause I played so much football. BLACK AND WHITE PARAMOUNT NEWSREEL - DAY (1963) The White House with the words "The eyes and ears of the world Paramount News" superimposed. FORREST (V.O.) They even put me on a thing called the All-America Team where you get to meet the President of the United States. BLACK AND WHITE NEWSREEL PRESIDENT KENNEDY holds an autographed football as the All- American Team stands behind him. Forrest is among the players in suits. ANNOUNCER (over newsreel) President Kennedy met with the Collegiate All-American Football Team at the Oval Office today. INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION AREA - DAY (1963) The All-American players mingle around the food table. Forrest steps up to the table. A large spread of food and soda is on the table. FORREST (V.O.) Now, the real good thing about meeting the President of the United States is the food. Forrest takes a bottle of Dr. Pepper from the buffet table. Numerous bottle of Dr. Pepper are displayed on the table. A servant opens the bottle for him. FORREST (V.O.) They put you in this little room with just about anything you'd want to eat or drink. And since number one, I wasn't hungry, but thirsty... Forrest begins to guzzle the Dr. Pepper. FORREST (V.O.) ...and number two, they was free, I musta drank me about fifteen Dr. Peppers. Forrest sets down an empty Dr. Pepper bottle next to a large number of other empty bottles. Forrest holds his stomach and burps. BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE - President Kennedy shakes hands with the All-American football players. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 1ST PLAYER It's an honor, Sir. Another player steps up to the President and shakes the President's hand. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 2ND PLAYER Very good, Sir. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 3RD PLAYER Very good, Sir. The player walks away. Forrest steps up to the President. The President shakes his hand. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How do you feel? FORREST I gotta pee. President Kennedy turns and smiles. PRESIDENT KENNEDY I believe he said he had to go pee. INT. WHITE HOUSE/BATHROOM Forrest urinates in the bathroom, then lowers the lid and flashes. Forrest washes his hands, then notices an autographed photo from Marilyn Monroe and a photo of John with his brother Bobby. FORREST (V.O.) Sometime later, for no particular reason, somebody shot that nice young President when he was ridin' in his car. ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE - DAY SLOW MOTION - President Kennedy rises in a convertible and smiles. FORREST And a few years after that... ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE - Robert Kennedy stands at a podium as people around him applaud. FORREST (V.O.) ...somebody shot his little brother, too, only he was in a hotel kitchen. EXT. SAVANNHA/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest sits on the bench and shakes his head. FORREST It must be hard being brothers. I wouldn't know. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA - DAY - GRADUATION DAY (1966) Students in their caps and gowns step forward the podium to receive their diplomas. Forrest's name is called. He steps up and accepts his diploma. DEAN Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) Now can you believe it? After only five years of playing football, I got a college degree. The dean shakes Forrest's hand vigorously. Forrest looks out into the crowd. DEAN Congratulations, son. Mrs. Gump, sitting in the audience, cries. FORREST (V.O.) Momma was proud. Forrest and Mrs. Gump have their picure taken in front of a large statue. A military recruiter spots Forrest and steps up to him. MRS. GUMP Forrest, I'm so proud of you. Here, I'll hold this for you. Mrs. Gump takes the diploma from Forrest. The recruiter slaps Forrest on the shoulder and hands him some military literature. MILITARY RECRUITER Congratulations, son. Have you given any thought to your future? FORREST Thought? Forrest looks at a pamphlet with a photo of "Uncle Sam" and the caption "EXCELLENT CAREERS FOR EXCELLENT YOUNG MAN. Apply now at your local U.S. Army Recruiting Center." FORREST (V.O.) Hello, I'm Forrest... INT. ARMY BUS - DAY (1966) Forrest steps onto the army bus. Rain pours outside as the army bus driver yells at Forrest. FORREST ...Forrest Gump. ARMY BUS DRIVER Nobody gives a hunk of shit who you are, fuzzball! You're not even a lowlife scum sucking maggot! Get your faggoty ass on the bus. You're in the Army now! Forrest is about to sit on the first available seat, but the recruit sitting there refuses Forrest. RECRUIT #1 This seat's taken. Forrest tries to sit on the next seat, but the 2nd recruit slides over, blocking him. RECRUIT #2 It's taken. Forrest steps forward, looking much like he did on his first bus ride to school years ago. FORREST (V.O.) At first, it seemed like I made a mistake. A large black recruit with a strange look on his face, much like Forrest's, looks up from his seat. His name is BUBBA. FORREST (V.O.) ...seeing how it was my induction day and I was already gettin' yelled at. Bubba moves his case over, making room for Forrest to sit down. BUBBA You can sit down... if you want to. FORREST (V.O.) I didn't know who I might meet or what they might ask. Bubba hands Forrest a handkerchief. BUBBA You ever been on a real shrimp boat? FORREST No, but I been on a real big boat. BUBBA I'm talkin' about a shrimp catchin' boat. I've been workin' on shrimp boats all my life. I started out my uncle's boat, that's my mother's brother, when I was about maybe nine. I was just lookin' into buyin' a boat of my own and got drafted. My given name is Benjamin Buford Blue. Bubba and Forrest shake hands. BUBBA People call me Bubba. Just like one of them redneck boys. Can you believe that? FORREST My name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) So Bubba was from Bayou La Batre, Alabama, and his momma cooked shrimp. INT. LOUISIANA/KITCHEN - DAY (1966) Bubba's mother, a robust woman in a cook's uniform, carries a bowl of shrimp into a dining room. She sets it down on a table in front of a wealthy white man. FORREST (V.O.) And her momma before her cooked shrimp. INT. SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH/KITCHEN - DAY (EARLY DAYS OF SLAVERY) Bubba's grandmother carries a bowl of shrimp into a dining room. She sets it down on a table in front of a wealthy white man. FORREST (V.O.) And her momma before her momma cooked shrimp, too. Bubba's family knew everything... INT. ARMY BUS - DAY (1966) FORREST (V.O.) ...there was to know about the shrimpin' business. BUBBA I know everything there is to know about the shrimpin' business. Matter of fact, I'm goin' into the shrimpin' business for myself after I get out the Army. FORREST Okay. INT. BARRACKS - DAY A DRILL SERGEANT is in Forrest's face as Forrest stands in line with the other recruits. DRILL SERGEANT Gump! What's your sole purpose in this Army? FORREST To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant! DRILL SERGEANT Godamnit, Gump! You're a goddamned genius! That's the most outstanding answer I've ever heard. You must have a godamned I.Q. of a hundred and sixty! You are godamned gifted, Private Gump! The Drill Sergeant moves down the line to the next man. DRILL SERGEANT Listen up, people... FORREST (V.O.) Now, for some reason, I fit in the Army like one of them round pegs. It's not really hard. You just make your bed real neat and remember to stand up straight. DRILL SERGEANT That is one very intelligent individual! You lock your scuzzy bodies up behind that private and do exactly what he does and you will go far in this man's army! FORREST (V.O.) And always answer every question with "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" DRILL SERGEANT Is that clear? FORREST & RECRUITS Yes, Drill Sergeant! ANOTHER DAY The recruits are sitting at the base of their bunks assembling their rifles. Bubba speaks to Forrest. BUBBA What you do is you just drag your nets across the bottom. On a good day, you can catch over a hundred pounds of shrimp. If everything goes all right, two men shrimpin' ten hours, less what you spends on gas, you can... Forrest finishes assembling his rifle as the other recruits are still working on theirs. FORREST Done, Drill Sergeant! DRILL SERGEANT Gump! The Drill Sergeant rushes up to Forrest. DRILL SERGEANT Why did you put that weapon together so quickly, Gump? FORREST You told me to, Drill Sergeant. The Drill Sergeant looks at his stop watch. DRILL SERGEANT Jesus Christ! This is a new company record. If it wouldn't be a waste of such a damn fine enlisted man, I'd recommended you for O.C.S., Private Gump. You are gonna be a General some day, Gump! Now, disassemble your weapon and continue! The Drill Sergeant walks away as Forrest begins to disassemble his rifle. After the Drill Sergeant walks past Bubba, Bubba looks up at Forrest. Bubba continues talking about shrimp in his slow southern drawl. BUBBA Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There, uh, shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole... ANOTHER DAY Bubba and Forrest shine their boots. BUBBA ...shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp... ANOTHER DAY Bubba and Forrest are on their hands and knees as they scrub the floor with toothbrushes. BUBBA ...shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... that's, that's about it. NIGHT Bubba lies in his bunk and looks up quietly. FORREST (V.O.) Nighttime in the Army is a lovely time. Forrest lies in his bunk and looks up. FORREST (V.O.) We'd lay there in our bunks, and I'd miss my momma. And I'd miss Jenny. A young private tosses a Playboy magazine onto Forrest. YOUNG PRIVATE Hey, Gump. Get a load of the tits on her! Forrest pick up the magazine and turns the page, revealing Jenny as she poses with a school sweater on, and that's all. The pictorial is titled: "Girls of the South." Forrest looks up with shock. He cranes his head up for a closer look. FORREST (V.O.) Turns out, Jenny had gotten into some trouble over... some photos of her in her college sweater. And she was thrown out of school. SONG "My baby does the hanky-panky..." INT. NASHVILLE/NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT (1966) Forrest, in his army uniform, steps into the foyer of the club. FORREST (V.O.) But that wasn't a bad thing. Because a man who owns a theater in Memphis, Tennessee, saw those photo and offered Jenny a job singing in a show. The first chance I got, I took the bus up to Memphis to see her perform in that show. EMCEE steps out onto the stage. EMCEE That was Amber, Amber Flame. Give her a big hand, guys. Good job, Amber. And now, for your listening and viewing pleasure, direct from Hollywood, California, our very own beatnik beauty, let's give a big round of applause to the luscious Bobbie Dylan. CROWD Bobbie... Bobbie... The emcee walks back off the stage and the curtain opens, revealing Jenny as she sits on a stool on the stage. She holds a guitar up and begins to play. She is topless. JENNY (sings) "Yes, and how many seas must the white dove said, before she sleeps in the sand." FORREST (V.O.) Her dream had come true. She was a folk singer. JENNY (sings) "Yes, how many times must the cannonballs fly before they're forever banned." MAN #1 You gotta lose the guitar, darling. MAN #2 Hey, come on, baby. Shake it up. Shake it up now. MAN #3 Hey, somebody ought to get her a harmonica. The men laugh. JENNY (sings) "The answer, my friend is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in... MAN # ...skin, honey. This isn't Captain Kangaroo. MEN Yeah! Come on! Man #5 reaches up and tries to stick some money in Jenny's shoe. MAN #5 : Hey, honey, I got something here for you. Jenny kicks his hand. He yells angrily as he sits back down, then tosses his drink on her. MAN #5 Goddamnit! JENNY Hey! Hey! Stupid jerk! I'm singing a song here. Polly, get out here! MAN # Hey, show us some stuff, honey! JENNY Shut up! Oh, shut up! Forrest walks up to Man #5 and grabs him and tosses him down on the ground. Man #4 tries to grab Forrest, but Forrest shoves him down too. JENNY Forrest, what are you doing here? What are you doing? Forrest climbs up onto the stage and picks Jenny up, guitar and all, and carries her. FORREST Come on. JENNY What are you doing? Forrest, let me down! Jenny struggles and frees herself from Forrest. Forrest steps back in surprise. Jenny shoves the guitar at Forrest. Jenny walks off as Forrest holds the guitar. He follows after her. EXT. MEMPHIS BRIDGE - NIGHT Forrest follows Jenny over a bridge outside the night club. JENNY You can't keep doing this, Forrest. You can't keep tryin' to rescue me all the time. FORREST They was tryin' to grab you. JENNY A lot of people try to grab me. Just -- you can't keep doing this all the time! FORREST I can't help it. I love you. JENNY Forrest, you don't know what love is. Jenny turns and looks over the bridge. JENNY You remember that time we prayed, Forrest? We prayed for God to turn me into a bird so I could fly far, far away? FORREST Yes, I do. JENNY You think I can fly off this bridge? FORREST What do you mean, Jenny? JENNY Nothing. Jenny turns and looks at the light of an approaching vehicle. She steps into the street. JENNY I gotta get outta here. Jenny runs and flags down the approaching vehicle. FORREST But wait. Jenny! JENNY Forrest, you stay away from me, okay? You just stay away from me, please. A pickup truck pulls over as Jenny looks at the driver. JENNY Can I have a ride? DRIVER Where you going? JENNY I don't care. DRIVER Get in the truck. FORREST So bye-bye, Jenny. They sendin' me to Vietnam. It's this whole other country. Jenny walks toward Forrest. She looks at the driver. JENNY Just hang on a minute. Jenny walks up to Forrest. JENNY Listen, you promise me something, okay? Just if you're ever in trouble, don't try to be brave, you just run, okay? Just run away. FORREST Okay. Jenny, I'll write you all the time. Jenny takes a last look at Forrest, then climbs into the truck. Forrest watches Jenny in the pickup as it drives away. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that. EXT. GREENBOW/GUMP BOARDING HOUSE/RIVER - DAY Forrest, dressed in his uniform, sits on a log and looks out at a river. FORREST (V.O.) ...she was gone. Mrs. Gump walks toward Forrest and sits down next to him on the log. Forrest leans down, placing his head on his mother's shoulder. MRS. GUMP You come back safe to me, do ya hear? EXT. VIETNAM/MEKONG DELTA - MORNING (1967) The shadow of a helicopter over the rice field below. A soldier is manning a gun from inside the helicopter. The solider looks left, Forrest and Bubba ride in the helicopter. EXT. FIREBASE/4TH PLATOON The helicopter circles overhead, then lands at the firebase. SONG "Some folks are born made to wave the flag. Ooh, they're red, white and blue. And when the band plays "Hail to the Chief," ohh, they point the cannon at you all. It ain't me. It ain't me. I ain't no Senator's son, no. It ain't me. It ain't me..." Bubba and Forrest jump out of the helicopter with their gear/ They walk and look around oddly. FORREST (V.O.) Now, they told us that Vietnam was gonna be very different from the United Sates of America. The soldier places a case of beer on a large stack of cases. He takes two beers out and walks away. In the background, soldiers are barbecuing steaks and drinking beer. FORREST (V.O.) Except for all the beer cans and the barbecue, it was. BUBBA Y'know, I bet there's shrimp all in these waters. They tell me these Vietnams is good shrimp. You know, after we win this war, and we take over everything we can get American shrimpers to come on here and shrimp these waters. We'll just shrimp all the time, man. So much shrimp, why, you wouldn't believe it. Lieutenant DAN TAYLOR steps out of a tent. Shirtless, he holds a roll of toilet paper in his hand. LT. DAN You must be my F.N.G.'s. BUBBA AND FORREST Morning', sir! LT. DAN Ho! Get your hands down. Do not salute me. There are goddamned snipers all around this area who would love to grease an officer. I'm Lieutenant Dan Taylor. Welcome to Fourth Platoon. Lt. Dan looks at Bubba. LT. DAN What's wrong with your lips? BUBBA I was born with big gums, sir. LT. DAN Yeah, well, you better tuck that in. Gonna get that caught on a trip wire. Where you boys from in the world? BUBBA & FORREST Alabama, sir! LT. DAN You twins? Forrest and Bubba look at each other oddly, they don't get the joke. FORREST No, we are not relations, sir. LT. DAN Look, it's pretty basic here. Lt. Dan starts to walk. Bubba and Forrest grab their gear and follow him. LT. DAN You stick with me, you learn from the guys who been in country awhile, you'll be right. There is one item of G.I. gear that can be the difference between a live grunt and a dead grunt. Lt. Dan stops and looks at the boys. LT. DAN Socks, cushion, sole, O.D. green. Try and keep your feet dry when we're out humpin'. I want you boys to remember to change your socks wherever we stop. The Mekong will eat a grunt's feet right off his legs. Lt. Dan steps over to a large black soldier named SERGEANT SIMS. LT. DAN Sergeant Sims! Goddamnit, where is that sling-rope I told you to order. SGT. SIMS I put in requisitions at Battalion. LT. DAN Yeah, yeah, yeah, well you call those sonabitches again, call them again and again and again. I don't care how much it takes... FORREST (V.O.) Lt. Dan sure knew his stuff. I felt real lucky he was my lieutenant. He was from a long, great military tradition. Somebody in his family had fought and died in every single American war. EXT. VALLEY FORGE/THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR - DAY (1778) A distant relative of Lt. Dan's, wearing a revolutionary war uniform, falls dead in the snow. EXT. GETTYSBURG/THE CIVIL WAR - DAY (1863) Another relative, wearing a civil war uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to Lt. Dan, falls down dead. EXT. NORMANDY/WORLD WAR II - DAY (1944) Another relative, wearing a World War II, falls down dead on the beach at Normandy. EXT. VETNAM/MEKONG DELTA/FIREBASE - DAY (1967) LT. DAN Goddamnit, kick some ass! SGT. SIMS I'm on it, Lieutenant. LT. DAN Get on it! Lt. Dan steps back up to Bubba and Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to. Lt. Dan walks along the walkway and Bubba and Forrest follow. LT. DAN So, you boys are from Arkansas, huh? Well, I've been through there. Little Rock's a fine town. Now, go shake down your gear, see the platoon sergeant, draw what you need for the field. Lt. Dan steps inside the latrine, still holding the roll of toilet paper. LT. DAN If you boys are hungry, we got steaks burnin' right here. Lt. Dan sits down out of sight in the latrine, then stands up, looking at the boys. LT. DAN Two standing orders in this platoon. One, take good care of your feet. Two, try not to do anything stupid, like gettin' yourself killed. Lt. Dan sits back down out of sight in the latrine. Bubba and Forrest look at each other. FORREST I sure hope I don't let him down. EXT. RICE FIELD - ANOTHER DAY Forrest, Bubba, and other soldiers in the Fourth Platoon walk across the rice field. Some Vietnamese rice farmers are working as the soldiers walk past. FORREST (V.O.) I got to see a lot of countryside. We would take these real long walks. EXT. JUNGLE/DIRT ROAD - ANOTHER DAY Forrest's unit walks along a dirt road. SONG And we were always lookin' for this guy named Charlie. I can't get no relief. Suddenly Lt. Dan holds up his fist, a signal for the unit to stop. He motions for them to get down. LT. DAN Hold it up! SGT. SIMS Hold up, boys! Forrest gets down and looks around. FORREST (V.O.) It wasn't always fun. Lt. Dan always gettin' these funny feelings about a rock or a trail, or the road, so he'd tell you to get down, shut up! LT. DAN Get down! Shut up! FORREST (V.O.) So we did. Lt. Dan motions for the lead soldier to get down. Lt. Dan crouches down. Lt. Dan looks at the soldiers and points to his eyes. He lies down on the dirt road and crawls. FORREST (V.O.) Now, I don't know much about anything, but I think some of American's best young men served in this war. There was Dallas, from Phoenix. Cleveland, he was from Detroit. CLEVELAND Hey, Tex. Hey, Tex. Man, what the hell's going on? Tex holds up his hand, motioning that he doesn't know. FORREST (V.O.) And Tex was, well, I don't remember where Tex come from. LT. DAN Ah, nothin'. Fourth Platoon, on your feet! Still got ten clicks to go to that river. Forrest stands up and begins to walk with the platoon. LT. DAN All right, move out! Comin' out. Look alive out there. FORREST (V.O.) The good thing about Vietnam is there was always someplace to go. LT. DAN (V.O.) Fire in the hole! EXT. VIETNAM/VIET CONG FOXHOLE - ANOTHER DAY Lt. Dan walks away as Forrest rushes over, aims two pistols in the hole, then climbs inside. FORREST (V.O.) And there was always something to do. LT. DAN Mount 'em up. SGT. SIMS Spread out! Cover his back. ANOTHER DAY - The platoon walks through a rice paddy, waits deep in water. It begins to rain. FORREST (V.O.) One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. EXT. JUNGLE The rain pours down on Forrest and Bubba as they sit in a foxhole. FORREST (V.O.) We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... ANOTHER DAY - The platoon walks through the jungle as rain pours down on them. FORREST (V.O.) ...and big ol' fat rain. ANOTHER DAY - The platoon shelters themselves as they walk through the wind and rain. FORREST (V.O.) Rain that flew in sideways. ANOTHER DAY - Forrest and other soldiers walk chest-deep through a river. The rain splatters back up from the river, hitting the soldiers. Forrest holds his hand up to protect his face. FORREST (V.O.) And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. EXT. ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT The rain pours down on the men of the platoon as they sit in a camp. Bubba sits down next to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) Shoot, it even rained at night. Bubba leans his back up against Forrest's back. BUBBA Hey Forrest... FORREST Hey Bubba... BUBBA I'm gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. BUBBA This way, we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud. You know why we a good partnership, Forrest? 'Cause we be watchin' out for one another. Like brothers and stuff. Hey, Forrest, there's somethin' I've been thinkin' about. I got a very important question to ask you. How would you like to go into the shrimpin' business with me? FORREST Okay. BUBBA Man, I tell you what, I got it all figured out, too. So many pounds of shrimp to pay off the boat, so many pounds for gas, we can just live right on the boat. We ain't got to pay no rent. I'll be the captain; we can just work it together. Split everything right down the middle. Man, I'm tellin' you, fifty-fifty. And, hey, Forrest, all the shrimp you can get. FORREST That's a fine idea. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba did have a fine idea. ANOTHER NIGHT - Some soldiers patrol the area. Forrest lies in a pup tent and writes a litter as the rain pours down. He uses his flashlight to see. FORREST (V.O.) I even wrote Jenny and told her all about it. I sent her letters. Not every day, but almost. I told her what I was doin' and asked her what she was doing, and I told her how I thought about her always. EXT. JENNY'S GRANDMOTHER'S TRAILER - DAY Jenny steps out of the trailer with a backpack and a guitar. She hugs a hippie guy, then jumps into the back of a Volkswagen bus with another guy. FORREST (V.O.) And how I was looking forward to getting a letter from her just as soon as she had the time I'd always let her know that I was okay. EXT. VIETNAM - NIGHT Forrest writes a letter in his tent. FORREST (V.O.) Then I'd sign each letter, "Love, Forrest Gump." EXT. JUNGLE - DAY The Fourth Platoon makes their way through the jungle and rain. SONG "There's something happenin' here. What it is ain't exactly clear. There's a man with a gun over there, telling' me I got to beware." FORREST (V.O.) This one day, we was out walking, like always, and then, just like that, somebody turned off the rain and the sun come out. Forrest looks up as the sun suddenly appears. Forrest's platoon is attacked. A bullet kills the soldier standing next to Forrest. Bombs explode all around as the soldiers scramble to the ground. LT. DAN Take cover! Forrest crawls over a berm as bullets fly overhead and explode all around him. Forrest rolls over and pulls his pack off Lt. Dan lies next to Forrest. LT. DAN Get that pig up here, goddammit! BUBBA Forrest, you okay? Two soldiers with a machine gun fire into the jungle. Lt. Dan shouts into the radio. Forrest begins firing his weapon into the jungle. LT. DAN ...Strongarm, please be advised... Two soldiers pull a wounded soldier into the jungle. BUBBA Medic, we got a man down! LT. DAN Strongarm, this is Leg Lima 6, over! LT. DAN Roger, Strongarm, be advised we have incoming from the treeline at point blue plus two. A.K's and rockets... The machine gunner fires into the treeline. Another soldier helps him with the ammunition. The machine gun jams. SOLDIER WITH BIG MACHINE GUN Misfire! Misfire! LT. DAN Goddammit, Mac! Get that pig unfucked and get it in the treeline! A rocket explodes on the machine gunner and the other soldier, killing them. Forrest looks down and covers his head as rockets explodes all around him. LT. DAN (into radio) Ah, Jesus! My unit is down hard and hurting! 6 pulling back to the blue line, Leg Lima 6 out! Pull back! Pull back! BUBBA Forrest! Run! Run, Forrest! LT. DAN Pull back! BUBBA Forrest! Run! Run, Forrest! Run! Run! SGT. SIMS Pull back! Let's go! Lt. Dan gets up and grabs Forrest by the collar. LT. DAN Run, goddammit, run! The platoon gets up and runs toward the cover of the jungle. Rockets explode all around the field. Forrest runs into the jungle. The soldiers run through the jungle as bullets explode all around. A soldier is blown up by a rocket. A soldier runs through the jungle. Forrest runs past the soldier. SOLDIER Medic! Medic! Jesus, can I get a medic? FORREST (V.O.) I ran and ran, just like Jenny told me to. Rockets explode in the jungle as Forrest runs out toward a clearing. FORREST (V.O.) I ran so far and so fast that pretty soon I was all by myself, which was a bad thing. FORREST Bubba! Forrest turns around, then runs back into the jungle. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba was my best good friend. I had to make sure he was okay. Rockets explode in the jungle. Forrest runs back into the jungle to look for Bubba. 1ST SOLDIER Any friendlies out there? 2ND SOLDIER Yeah, I've got three over there. 1ST SOLDIER Where the hell are you? Forrest stops and aims his weapon. He looks around, scared. FORREST Bubba? Something moves. Forrest turns and looks, then rushes over. FORREST (V.O.) And on my way back to find Bubba, well, there was this boy laying on the ground. FORREST Tex! Tex lies on the ground, his face distorted with pain. FORREST Okay. Forrest reaches down and picks up Tex from the ground. Forrest pulls Tex up over his shoulder, then runs. FORREST (V.O.) I couldn't just let him lay there all alone, scared the way he was, so I grabbed him up and run him out of there. Forrest carries Tex out of the jungle and into the clearing. He sets Tex down on the bank of a river, and runs back into the jungle. FORREST (V.O.) And every time I went back looking for Bubba, somebody else was saying, "Help me, Forrest. Help me." Forrest drops another wounded soldier down at the bank of the river next to Tex, and then runs back toward the jungle. Forrest grabs the third wounded soldier up from the ground and turns him over. It is DALLAS. DALLAS Can't hear... Can't hear... Dallas is dropped off at the bank next to the other wounded soldiers. Forrest turns to go back to the jungle. 2ND WOUNDED SOLDIER No sweat, man. Just lay back. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. FORREST (V.O.) I started to get scared that I might never find Bubba. STRONGARM (over radio) You're danger close for crack air, over. Forrest trips over something and falls to the ground. He looks up to find two bloody legs. It is Lt. Dan, who is wounded. He speaks into the radio. LT. DAN (into radio) Roger, Strongarm, I know my position is danger close! We got Charlie all over this area! I gotta have those fast movers in here now! Over! STRONGARM (over radio) Six, Strongarm, we want... FORREST Lieutenant Dan, Coleman's dead! LT. DAN I know he's dead! My whole goddamned platoon is wiped out! STRONGARM (over radio) Leg Lima 6, Leg Lima 6, how copy you this transmission? Over. Forrest tries to pick up Lt. Dan, who tries to push Forrest away. LT. DAN Goddammit! What are you doing? Leave me here! Get away. Just leave me here! Get out! Forrest pulls Lt. Dan over his shoulder and runs through the jungle. STRONGARM Leg Lima 6, Leg Lima 6. This is Strongarm, be advised, your fast movers are inbound at this time, over. FORREST (V.O.) Then it felt like something just jumped up and bit me. Forrest falls down. FORREST Ah, something bit me! Forrest gets up as Lt. Dan yells. Lt. Dan fires his pistol at the unseen enemy as Forrest pulls him away. LT. DAN You dink son-of-a-bitch! I can't leave the platoon! I told you to leave me there, Gump. Forget about me. Get yourself out! Did you hear what I said! Goddammit, pull me down! Get your ass out of here! Forrest drops Lt. Dan down at the bank, next to the other wounded soldiers. Lt. Dan grabs Forrest by the shirt, angry. LT. DAN I didn't ask you to pull me out of there, goddamn you! What the hell do you think you're going? FORREST To get Bubba. LT. DAN I got an air strike inbound right now. They're gonna nape the whole area. Forrest gets up and runs as Lt. Dan yells after him. LT. DAN Gump, you stay here, goddammit! That's an order! FORREST I gotta find Bubba! Forrest runs through the jungle searching for Bubba. Forrest slows down and looks around carefully. BUBBA Forrest... FORREST Bubba... Bubba looks up as he lies on the ground. BUBBA I'm okay. Bubba holds a palm frond over his wound. Forrest removes the frond to look at the wound. Bubba's chest has been blown open. FORREST Oh, Bubba, no... BUBBA Naw, I'm gonna be all right. Forrest looks around as he hear the voices of the enemy. FORREST Come on. Come on. Come here... Forrest carries Bubba through the jungle. The sound of approaching planes fills the air. BUBBA I'm okay, Forrest. I'm all right. The roar of approaching planes is deafening. Forrest looks up in fear. Three planes dive down toward the jungle. They fire napalm as the jungle explodes with massive fireballs. Forrest runs, carrying Bubba. The fireballs explode behind him. The entire jungle area is in flames as Forrest runs. Forrest carries Bubba to the bank of the river. Lt. Dan and the other wounded soldiers wait for a rescue helicopter. LT. DAN Helo's inbound. Pop smoke, get it up there! FORREST (V.O.) If I'd a known this was gonna be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I'd a thought of something better to say. Forrest looks down at Bubba. A soldier releases a smoke canister. FORREST Hey, Bubba... BUBBA Hey, Forrest. Forrest, why'd this happen? FORREST You got shot. FORREST (V.O.) Then Bubba said something I won't even forget. BUBBA I wanna go home. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba was my best good friend. And even I know that ain't something you can find just around the corner. Bubba was gonna be a shrimpin' boat captain, but instead he died right there by that river in Vietnam. The helicopter fly overhead. BUS STATION - DAY Forrest continues with his life story. A MAN is sitting next to Forrest on the bus bench. FORREST That's all I have to say about that. MAN It was a bullet, wasn't it? FORREST A bullet? MAN That jumped up and bit you. FORREST Oh, yes sir. Bit me directly in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the Army must keep that money, 'cause I still ain't seen a nickel of that million dollars. The only good thing about being wounded in the buttocks... FLASHBACK - INT. US. ARMY HOSPITAL/VIETNAM - DAY Forrest holds two ice cream cones in his hands as he is wheeled on a rolling stretcher. FORREST (V.O.) ...is the ice cream. They gave me all the ice cream I could eat. And guess what. A good friend of mine was in the bed right next door. Forrest, lying on his stomach, is wheeled to his bed. Forrest's butt sticks up and is bandaged. Forrest looks at Lt. Dan lying on the bed. Forrest holds out an ice cream cone for Lt. Dan. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, I got you some ice cream. Lieutenant Dan, ice cream. Lt. Dan, annoyed, takes the ice cream cone and drops it into his bed pan. Forrest slides himself onto his bed. A NURSE reaches toward Lt. Dan. MALE NURSE It's time for your bath, Lieutenant. The male nurse places Lt. Dan's hands on a pull-up bar, then picks up Lt. Dan, whose legs have been amputated. MALE NURSE Harper... Another nurse wheels the rolling bed under Lt. Dan. The male nurse sets Lt. Dan down on the rolling bed. Forrest looks up at Lt. Dan as he is wheeled away. A soldier reads the names from a pile of letters. SOLDIER Cooper, Larson, Webster, Gump, Gump... FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. The soldier hands Forrest a large pile of letters. "Undeliverable as addressed. No forwarding order on file." Jenny Curran Rural Route 2 Greenbow, Ala. 39902 Forrest looks down at the pile of letters. INT. ARMY HOSPITAL/VIETNAM - DAY A group of wounded soldiers hang out in the hospital, recuperating. Forrest sits and watches "Gomer Pyle" on the television. SOLDIER Gump, how can you watch that stupid shit? Turn it off! ANNOUNCER From the D.M.Z. to the Delta, you are tuned to the American Forces Vietnam Network. This is Channel 6, Saigon. Forrest turns the TV off and he is hit on the back of the head by a ping-pong ball. SOLDIER Good catch, Gump. You know how to play this? Forrest shakes his head. SOLDIER Come on, let me show you. Here. The wounded ping-pong player hands Forrest a paddle. Forrest and the wounded ping-pong player step toward the ping-pong table. SOLDIER Now the secret to this game is, no matter what happens, never, never take your eye off the ball. He holds the ball up and moves it back and forth. Forrest keeps his eyes on the ball. SOLDIER All right... The wounded ping-pong player tosses the ball down onto the table. Forrest begins to hit the ball back to the other player. FORREST (V.O.) For some reason, ping pong came very natural to me. SOLDIER See, any idiot can play. FORREST (V.O.) So I started playing it all the time. Forrest hits ping-pong balls. FORREST (V.O.) I played ping-pong even when I didn't have anyone to play ping-pong with. The balls at land in a bed pan positioned on a chair. A group of wounded soldier sit and watch Forrest play with himself. Forrest hits two balls at a time against the opposite side of the table. FORREST (V.O.) The hospital's people said it made me look like a duck in water, whatever that means. Even Lieutenant Dan would come and watch me play. Lt. Dan stares out the window. Forrest lies in his bed asleep. A hand reaches and grabs him. FORREST (V.O.) I played ping-pong so much, I even played it in my sleep. Lt. Dan pulls Forrest to the floor, and holds Forrest down. LT. DAN Now, you listen to me. We all have a destiny. Nothing just happens, it's all part of a plan. I should have died out there with my men! But now, I'm nothing but a goddamned cripple! A legless freak. Look! Look! Look at me! Do you see that? Do you know what it's like not to be able to use your legs? FORREST Well... Yes, sir, I do. LT. DAN Did you hear what I said? You cheated me. I had a destiny. I was supposed to die in the field! With honor! That was my destiny! And you cheated me out of it! You understand what I'm saying, Gump? This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me. I had a destiny. I was Lieutenant Dan Tyler. FORREST Yo-You're still Lieutenant Dan. Lt. Dan looks at Forrest, lets go of Forrest and rolls. Lt. Dan sits up as Forrest looks at him. LT. DAN Look at me. What am I gonna do now? What am I gonna do now? INT. REC ROOM/VIETNAM HOSPITAL - ANOTHER DAY Forrest plays ping-pong by himself. An OFFICER walks up to him. OFFICER P.F.C. Gump? Forrest immediately grabs the ball and places it down on the table under its paddle. Stands at attention. FORREST Yes, sir! OFFICER As you were. The officer holds up an envelope. OFFICER Son, you've been awarded the Medal of Honor. INT. VIETNAM HOSPITAL WARD Forrest steps up to Lt. Dan's bed. FORREST Guess what, Lieutenant Dan, they want to give me a me... Forrest stops in mid-sentence as he looks down at the bed. A heavily bandaged soldier with bloodstains lies there. Forrest turns and look at the NURSE. FORREST Ma'am, what'd they do with Lieutenant Dan? NURSE They sent him home. FORREST (V.O.) Two weeks later, I left Vietnam. INT. BARBER SHOP/GREENBOW - DAY ANCHORMAN (on T.V.) The ceremony was kicked off with a candid speech by the President regarding the need for further escalation of the war in Vietnam. President Johnson awarded four Medals of Honor to men from each of the Armed Services. The television reveals Forrest as he is awarded the Medal of Honor by President Johnson. PRESIDENT JOHNSON America owes you a debt of gratitude, son. Color footage revealing President Johnson as he places the award around Forrest's neck and shakes hands. PRESIDENT JOHNSON I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit? FORREST In the buttocks, sir. PRESIDENT JOHNSON Oh, that must be a sight. President Johnson leans and whispers into Forrest's ear. PRESIDENT JOHNSON I'd kinda like to see that. INT. BARBER SHOP The television revealing Forrest as he drops his pants, bends over and shows the bullet wound on his bare buttocks. President Johnson looks down and smiles. The three men in the barber shop look up in disbelief. Mrs. Gump looks up in shock. PRESIDENT JOHNSON Goddamn, son. EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - DAY Forrest walks by the Lincoln Memorial. A fence surrounds the Memorial, as well as armed military guards. FORREST (V.O.) After that, Momma went to the hotel to lay down, so I went out for a walk to see our national capital. ISABEL Hilary, all right, I've got the vets, what do you want me to do with them? HILARY What are you doing here so late? Forrest takes a photo of the memorial as a woman named Hilary gathers together some veterans against the Vietnam War. HILARY We've been waiting for you for half an hour, so just get them in a line, will you. Hey, hey, come on, pictures later. You look great. Oh come on, get in this line, come on, come on right in line. Come on, let him here, let him in here. Hilary grabs Forrest and puts him in the line with the other vets against the war. FORREST (V.O.) It's a good thing Momma was resting, 'cause the street was awful crowded with people looking at all the statues and monuments. And some of them people were loud and pushy. Hilary leads the line of vets toward the large anti-Vietnam War rally. HILARY Okay, follow me! Come on. The group of vets walk as Forrest tries to take another picture. A vet behind him pushes him along. HILARY Let's move it out. VET Hey, buddy, come on. We could use your help. Forrest walks in the line. A banner reads "Veterans against the War in Vietnam." FORREST (V.O.) Everywhere I went, I had to stand in line. HILARY Follow me, let's go! Hilary leads the vets through a crowd of people outside the rally. Another woman, named Isabel, leads the vets toward the back of a stage. ISABEL All right, come on, guys. HILARY Stand here. VET Hey, you're a good man for doin' this. Good! FORREST Okay. A man, wearing an American flag shirt, stands on the stage. He is anti-war activist ABBIE HOFFMAN. ABBIE HOFFMAN We must declare to that fucking impostor in the White House -- Johnson. We ain't going to work on your farm no more! Yeah! FORREST (V.O.) There was this man, giving a little talk. And for some reason, he was wearing an American flag for a shirt... ABBIE HOFFMAN Now, I'm going to bring up some soldiers that are going to talk about the war, man... FORREST (V.O.) ...and he liked to say the "F" word. A lot. "F" this and "F" that. And every time... ABBIE HOFFMAN ...that war has come home, and we have to stop these politicians... FORREST (V.O.) ...he said "F" word, people, for some reason, well, they'd cheer. ABBIE HOFFMAN ...these guys just told Lyndon Johnson where to stick this fucking war! Yeah! Forrest looks up at the cheering crowd. Abbie turns and motions for Forrest to come up on the stage. ABBIE HOFFMAN Come on, man. Come up here, man. HILARY Come on. Come on. Yeah, you! Hilary pulls Forrest up onto the stage. HILARY Come on, get up there. Come on. Move, move. Let's go! Let's go. The other vets follow Forrest pushes onto the stage and push him toward the microphones. VET Come on, go. You can do it. Just get up there. Go on. That's it. Thousands of cheering protesters stand around the Washington Monument. Forrest looks at the crowd. Abbie Hoffmann steps up to Forrest. ABBIE HOFFMAN Tell us a little bit about the war, man. FORREST The war in Vietnam? ABBIE HOFFMAN The war in Viet-fucking-nam! Abbie raises his fist as the crowd cheers wildly. FORREST Well... FORREST (V.O.) There was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam. FORREST ...there was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam. Forrest looks at the crowd as he speaks. A policeman looks around as he sneaks over to the audio circuit board. FORREST In Vietnam war... The policeman pulls the patch cords out of the audio board. Forrest's amplified voice becomes inaudible. Forrest continues to speak into the microphone, even though no one can hear what he is saying. Hilary looks over and notices the policeman. Hilary rushes over toward the audio board, pushes the policeman away and grabs his night stick. Another protester grabs the policeman and pulls him away. POLICEMAN Hey, what the hell are you doing? HILARY I'll beat your head in, you goddamned oinker! Isabel, Hilary and another protester try to plug the tangled mess of wires back into the audio board. ISABEL Christ, what'd they do with this? Forrest continues to speak into the microphone. The crowd grows restless. CROWD We can't hear you! We can't hear anything! HILARY This one! This one! Give me that! Hilary plugs in the right patch cord. HILARY That's it. FORREST ...and that's all I have to say about that. Forrest looks at the massive crowd. They are silent. Abbie Hoffman steps over to Forrest and pats him on the shoulder. ABBIE HOFFMAN That's so right on, man. You said it all. What's your name, man? FORREST My name is Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. ABBIE HOFFMAN Forrest Gump! Abbie raises his fist into the air. Abbie steps away from Forrest. The crowd cheers. CROWD Forrest Gump! JENNY (screaming) Forrest! Forrest! Jenny wades out into the reflection pool and waves her hand into the air. Forrest recognizes her. FORREST Jenny! Forrest rushes off the stage as Jenny makes her way out into the pool. JENNY Forrest! Forrest jumps down into the crowd and runs. Jenny smiles as she tries to run through the water. The crowd parts as Forrest runs into the pool. Jenny rushes toward him. JENNY Hey! Hey! The massive crowd cheers for the embracing couple in the pool. FORREST (V.O.) It was the happiest moment of my life. EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT/PROTESTER'S ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT Forrest and Jenny walk past the protesters who are camping out on the lawn. FORREST (V.O.) Jenny and me were just peas and carrots again. She showed me around, and even introduced me... INT. BLACK PANTHER HEADQUARTERS/STOREFRONT, D.C. - NIGHT Forrest stands at an open window and looks at the White House. FORREST (V.O.) ...to some of her new friends. A Black Panther, named RUBEN, steps over and pulls the shades down. RUBEN Shut that blind, man. And get your white ass away from that window. Don't you know we in war here? Another Black Panther named MASAI grabs Forrest and pats him down. JENNY Hey man, he's cool. He's cool. He's one of us. He's one of us. MASAI Let me tell you about us. WESLEY Where the hell have you been? JENNY I ran into a friend. MASAI Our purpose here is to protect our black leaders from the racial onslaught of the pig who wishes to brutalize our black leaders, rape our women, and destroy our black communists. BLACK PANTHER Masai, phone. Talk to these guys. WESLEY Who's the baby killer? JENNY This is my good friend I told you about. This is Forrest Gump. Forrest, this is Wesley. Wesley and I live together in Berkeley, and he's the president of the Berkeley chapter of S.D.S. MASAI Let me tell you something else. WESLEY I want to talk to you. JENNY Okay, but... WESLEY No. Now! Goddammit! MASAI We are here to offer protection and help for all of those who need our help, because we, the Black Panthers, are against the war in Vietnam. Yes, we are against any war where black soldiers are sent to the front line to die for a country that hates them. Yes, we are against any war where black soldiers go to fight and come to be brutalized and killed in their own communities as they sleep in their beds at night. Yes, we are against all these racists and imperial dog acts. JENNY You are a fucking asshole! Wesley hits Jenny across the face. Slow motion -- Jenny falls back. Slow motion -- Forrest steps forward with rage. Slow motion -- Wesley turns and looks at Forrest. Forrest tackles Wesley and slams him onto a table. Jenny turns and looks as Masai pulls out a gun. JENNY Forrest! Quit it! Quit it! Forrest! Stop it! Jenny rushes over to Forrest and pulls Forrest off Wesley. JENNY Stop it! Jenny tries to help Wesley as he moans on the floor. Wesley knocks Jenny's hand away. He gets up, holding his bloody lip. WESLEY Oh, God. I shouldn't have brought you here. I should have known it was just gonna be some bullshit hassle. FORREST He should not be hitting you, Jenny. JENNY Come on, Forrest. Jenny steps out the door as Forrest picks up his hat. FORREST Sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party. The group of Black Panthers glare at Forrest. Forrest turns and walks out the room. EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT Forrest and Jenny walk past the White House. Protesters hold a candlelight vigil behind them. JENNY He doesn't mean it when he does things like this. He doesn't. FORREST I would never hurt you, Jenny. JENNY I know you wouldn't, Forrest. FORREST I wanted to be your boyfriend. They walk in silence. Jenny touches Forrest's uniform. JENNY That uniform is a trip, Forrest. You look handsome in it. You do. FORREST You know what? JENNY What? FORREST I'm glad we were here together in our national capitol. JENNY Me too, Forrest. I have so much to tell you, you won't believe what's been going on... FORREST (V.O.) We walked around all night, Jenny and me, just talkin'. EXT. ROUTE 66 - FLASHBACK - DAY Jenny stands in the rain, hitchhiking. A car pulls over to pick her up. Jenny and other other girls get into the car. FORREST (V.O.) She told me about all the travellin' she's done. EXT. COMMUNE IN NEW MEXICO - NIGHT A hippie gives Jenny a sugar cube of acid as they sit in front of a roaring fire. FORREST (V.O.) And how she'd discovered ways to expand her mind and learn how to live in harmony... EXT. HOLLYWOOD/WALK OF FAME - DAY A star with the name "Jean Harlow" on the sidewalk. Jenny and two other girls sing on the sidewalk and collect change from the passersby. Jenny plays the guitar. FORREST (V.O.) ...which must be out west somewhere, 'cause she made it all the way to California. JENNY (sings) "Smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love on another right now" A young hippie looks over his faded Volkswagen at the girls. YOUNG HIPPIE Hey, anybody want to go to San Francisco? JENNY I'll go. YOUNG HIPPIE Far out! EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - DAWN Forrest and Jenny walk through the park. FORREST (V.O.) I was a very special night for the two of us. I didn't want it to end. EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING Jenny carries a backpack as she prepares to board a bus back to Berkeley. FORREST I wish you wouldn't go, Jenny. JENNY I have to, Forrest. WESLEY Jenny? Things got a little out of hand. It's just this war and that, that lyin' son-of-a-bitch Johnson. I would never hurt you. You know that. FORREST You know what I think? I think you should go home to Greenbow. Alabama! JENNY Forrest, we have very different lives, you know. Forrest looks down at Jenny. He pulls his Medal of Honor from around his neck. FORREST I want you to have this. Forrest places the Medal of Honor in Jenny's hand. Jenny looks up at him. JENNY Forrest, I can't keep this. FORREST I got it just by doing what you told me to do. JENNY Why're you so good to me? FORREST You're my girl. JENNY I'll always be your girl. Jenny and Forrest hug each other. Wesley waits for Jenny. Jenny turns and walks up to Wesley. They walk toward the entrance of the bus. Forrest smiles as Jenny looks at her. Jenny climbs up into the bus. Wesley glares at Forrest. Forrest gives Wesley the "evil eye." Jenny through the near window of the bus, knocks on the window. Forrest turns and looks. Jenny waves to Forrest. Forrest looks up and smiles sadly. Jenny gives Forrest the peace sign as the bus pulls away. The sign on the back of the bus reads "Berkeley to D.C." Forrest gives Jenny the peace sign. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, she was gone out of my life again. INT. VETERANS ADMINISTRATION HOSPITAL/REC ROOM - DAY A footage of Neil Armstrong's first step on the moon on television. NEIL ARMSTRONG That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. The, uh, the surface is fine and powdery. I can, I can pick it up loosely. Forrest demonstrates a ping-pong to some wounded vets. FORREST (V.O.) I thought I was going back to Vietnam, but instead, they decided the best way for me to fight communists was to play ping-pong. So I was in the Special Services, traveling around the country cheering up all them wounded veterans and showing them how to play... BUS STOP - PRESENT - DAY Forrest looks at a man. FORREST ...ping-pong. I was so good that some years later... EXT. CHINA/PING-PONG TOURNAMENT - FLASHBACK - DAY Forrest plays ping-pong against a Chinese player. A large mural of Mao Tse-tung hangs on the wall. A crowd of communist leaders sit and watch. FORREST (V.O.) ...the Army decided I should be on the All-American Ping-Pong Team. We were the first Americans to visit the land of China in like a million years or something like that, and somebody said that world peace was in our hands. But all I did was play ping-pong. When I got home... BUS STOP - PRESENT - DAY FORREST ...I was national celebrity. Famouser even than Captain Kangaroo. Color footage of the DICK CAVETT Show. Dick Cavett stands up as he introduces Forrest. DICK CAVETT Here he is, Forrest Gump, right here. Forrest makes his way onto the stage, shakes hands with Dick Cavett. DICK CAVETT Mr. Gump, have a seat. Forrest sits down between JOHN LENNON and Dick Cavett. DICK CAVETT Forrest Gump, John Lennon. JOHN LENNON Welcome home. DICK CAVETT You had quite a trip. Can you, uh, tell us, uh, what was China like? John Lennon lights a cigarette. FORREST Well, in the land of China, people hardly got nothing at all. JOHN LENNON No possessions? FORREST And in China, they never go to church. JOHN LENNON No religion, too? DICK CAVETT Oh. Hard to imagine. JOHN LENNON Well, it's easy if you try, Dick. Forrest looks oddly at John Lennon. FORREST (V.O.) Some years later, that nice young man from England was on his way home to see his little boy and was signing some autographs. For no particular reason at all, somebody shot him. EXT. STUDIO - LATER A guard lets Forrest out a side entrance door. Forrest steps, an then stops as he hears s man sitting in a wheelchair speak to him. LT. DAN They gave you the Congressional Medal of Honor. FORREST Now that's Lieutenant Dan. Lieutenant Dan! Forrest looks at Lt. Dan. He is a dirty with long hair. LT. DAN They gave you the Congressional Medal of Honor! FORREST Yes sir, they sure did. LT. DAN They gave you an imbecile, a moron who goes on television and makes a fool out himself in front of the whole damn country, the Congressional Medal of Honor. FORREST Yes, sir. LT. DAN Well, then, that's just perfect! Yeah, well I just got one thing to say to that. Goddamn bless America. Lt. Dan's wheelchair begins to slide down the ramp and spins around on the icy ground. Forrest looks down at Lt. Dan crashes at the bottom of the ramp. FORREST Lieutenant Dan! EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS - NIGHT Taxi cabs crowd the street as Forrest pushes Lt. Dan along the sidewalk. FORREST (V.O.) Lieutenant Dan said he was living in a hotel. And because he didn't have no legs, he spent most of his time exercising his arms. LT. DAN Take a right, take a right. A taxi driver honks his horn as Forrest wheels Lt. Dan out in front of the taxi. TAXI DRIVER #1 Hey! Come on already! LT. DAN Ah! FORREST What are you doing here in New York, Lieutenant Dan? LT. DAN I'm living off the government tit. Sucking it dry. A taxi skids to a stop, almost hitting them as they cross the street. The taxi honks at Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan slaps the bumper of the taxi. LT. DAN Hey! Hey! Hey! Are you blind? I'm walking here! Ah, get out... TAXI DRIVER #2 Why don't you go home before you kill yourself? Get out of the way! LT. DAN Come on, go! Go! Go! EXT. LT. DAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER A Bob Hope Christmas special in Vietnam on television. Lt. Dan and Forrest watch the television. FORREST (V.O.) I stayed with Lieutenant Dan and celebrated the holidays. BOB HOPE You have a great year and hurry home. God bless you. LT. DAN Have you found Jesus yet, Gump? FORREST I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir. Lt. Dan chuckles, drinks the rest of a bottle of wine and tosses it down. He looks at Forrest. He wheels himself over to television and turns it off. LT. DAN That's all these cripples, down at the V.A., that's all they ever talk about. Lt. Dan picks up another bottle of port wine, but it is empty. He tosses it onto the floor. LT. DAN Jesus this and Jesus that. Have I found Jesus? They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening, but I have to help myself. Now, if I accept Jesus into my heart, I'll get to walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Lt. Dan tosses the empty liquor bottle down and picks another bottle. He becomes enraged as he throws the bottle and looks at Forrest. LT. DAN Did you hear what I said? Walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Well, kiss my crippled ass. God is listening. What a crock of shit. FORREST I'm going to heaven, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Huh? Ah, well, before you go, why don't you get your ass down to the corner and get us another bottle of wine. FORREST Yes, sir. INT. TIMES SQUARE BAR - NIGHT A television shows DICK CLARK as he emcees the Times Square New York Eve celebration. DICK CLARK We are at approximately 45th Street in New York City at One Astor Plaza. This is the site of the old Astor Hotel. Down below us, well over a hundred thousand people are milling about, cheering with horns and whistles and hats... LT. DAN What the hell's in Bayou La Batre? FORREST Shrimpin' boats. LT. DAN Shrimpin' boats? Who gives a shit about shrimpin' boats? FORREST I gotta buy me one of them shrimpin' boats as soon as I have some money. I made me a promise to Bubba in Vietnam, that as soon as the war was over, we'd go in partners. He'd be the captain of the shrimpin' boat and I'd be his first mate. But now that he's dead, that means that I gotta be the captain. LT. DAN A shrimp boat captain. FORREST Yes, sir. A promise is a promise, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Now hear this! Private Gump here is gonna be a shrimp boat captain. Well, I tell you what, Gilligan, the day that you are a shrimp boat captain, I will come and be your first mate. FORREST Okay. LT. DAN If you're ever a shrimp boat captain, that's the day I'm an astronaut. Two sleazy women, named LENORE and CARLA, walk up to Lt. Dan. LENORE Danny, what are you complaining about? CARLA What are you doing, huh? LENORE Mr. Hot Wheels. Who's your friend? FORREST My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump. LT. DAN This is Cunning Carla, and Long-Limbs Lenore. Carla puts a "Happy New Year" crown on Lt. Dan's head. Lenore fixes her makeup. CARLA So where you been, baby-cakes, huh? Haven't seen you around lately. You know, you should have been here for Christmas 'cause Tommy bought a round on the house and gave everybody a turkey sandwich. LT. DAN Well, well, I had, uh, company. LENORE Hey, hey! We was, we was just there. That's at Times Square. Lenore leans and speaks into Forrest's ear. LENORE Don't you just love New Year's? You get to start all over. CARLA Hey, Lenore. LENORE Everybody gets a second chance. FORREST (V.O.) It's funny, but in the middle of all that fun, I began to think about Jenny. DICK CLARK (on television) ...getting wild out there. It's beginning to... INT. APARTMENT/L.A. - NIGHT The New Year's Eve celebration over the T.V. DICK CLARK (over television) ...pour here in Times Square. It's been off-and-on all night, but these people hang in there. Jenny fills her bag with her belongings. FORREST (V.O.) Wondering how she was spending her New Year's night out in California. A man lies passed out on the bed. Jenny looks at her black eye in a mirror, then leaves the apartment. The TV shows the ball in Times Square. CROWD (over television) INT. TIMES SQUARE BAR - NIGHT The ball is lowered, lighting up a sign that reads "1972." CROWD (over television) ...1! Happy New Year! The people in the bar cheer and kiss each other. They blow horns and toss confetti into the air. Forrest looks around as Carla and Lenore lean over and kiss him. PATRONS (sing) "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind... FORREST Happy New Year, Lieutenant Dan! PATRONS (sing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne." INT. LT. DAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER Carla removes her top and sits on top of Dan in his wheelchair. They kiss and play around. Forrest sits in a chair. Lenore leaps on him and begins to kiss Forrest. She reaches down to Forrest's crotch. Forrest stands up nervously, causing Lenore to fall down on the floor. Lenore stands up, angry. LENORE What are you, stupid or something? What's your problem? What's his problem? Did you lose your pecker in the war or something? CARLA What, is your friend stupid or something? LT. DAN What did you say? CARLA I said, is your friend stupid or something? LT. DAN Hey! Don't call him stupid! Lt. Dan throws Carla back onto the bed. CARLA Don't push me like that! LENORE Hey, don't you push her! LT. DAN You shut up! Don't you ever call him stupid! CARLA What's the matter, baby? Why you treating me like shit? LT. DAN Get the hell out of here! LENORE You stupid gimp. You belong in "Ripley's Believe It Or Not." LT. DAN Get the hell out of here! Go on! LENORE You should be in a side show! LT. DAN Go on! Get out of here! Get out of here! LENORE You big loser! CARLA Come on, Lenore. We don't need this shit! LENORE You're so pathetic. LT. DAN Get out of here! Lt. Dan falls out of his wheelchair and lands down on the floor. Carla and Lenore laugh as they leave the apartment. CARLA You retard! LENORE You loser! You freak! Forrest tries to help Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan pushes Forrest away. LT. DAN No! Forrest steps back as Lt. Dan flips back over, then pulls himself back up onto his wheelchair. He breathes heavily. FORREST I'm sorry I ruined your New Year's Eve party, Lieutenant Dan. She tastes like cigarettes. FORREST (V.O.) I guess Lieutenant Dan figured there's some things you just can't change. He didn't want to be called crippled, just like I didn't want to be called stupid. LT. DAN Happy New Year. EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT An ANCHORMAN reports in front of the White House. ANCHORMAN The U.S. Ping-Pong Team met with President Nixon today at an Oval Office ceremony... FORREST (V.O.) And wouldn't you know it... PRESENT - BUS STOP Forrest looks at the fat man on the bus bench. FORREST ...a few months later they invited me and the ping-pong team to visit the White House. So I went again. And I met the President of the United States again. INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY A plaque, presented to Forrest, reads "Presented to Forrest Gump, member of the United States table tennis team as player of the year for 1971. President NIXON holds the plaque. FORREST (V.O.) Only this time they didn't get us rooms in a real fancy hotel. PRESIDENT NIXON So are you enjoying yourself in our national capital, young man? FORREST Yes, sir. PRESIDENT NIXON Well, where are you staying? FORREST It's called the Hotel Ebbott. PRESIDENT NIXON Oh, no, no, no, no. I know of a much nicer hotel. It's brand-new. Very modern. I'll have my people take care of it for you. INT. WATERGATE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Forrest speaks on the phone. SECURITY GUARD Security, Frank Wills. Forrest steps over to a window. Flashlights are moving around in an office across from Forrest's room. FORREST Yeah, sir, you might want to send a maintenance man over to that office across the way. The lights are off, and they must be looking for the fuse box or something, 'cause them flashlights they're, they're keeping me awake. SECURITY GUARD Okay, sir. I'll check it out. FORREST Thank you. SECURITY GUARD No problem. FORREST Good night. SECURITY GUARD Good night. Forrest hangs up the phone. The camera tilts down, revealing the hotel stationary, which reads "The Watergate Hotel." INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY President Nixon makes a resignation speech on TV. PRESIDENT NIXON (over television) Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. The television cuts to a shot of President Nixon standing outside Air Force One with his hands in the peace sign. PRESIDENT NIXON (over television) Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office. As I recall the high hopes for America with which we began this second term, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here in this office... Forrest is playing ping-pong by himself at the gymnasium. An officer steps up to him. OFFICER Sergeant Gump! FORREST Yes, sir! OFFICER As you were. I have your discharge papers. Your service is up, son. The officer hands Forrest an envelope, then walks away. FORREST Does this mean I can't play ping pong no more? OFFICER For the Army it does. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, my service in the United States Army was over. So I went home. Forrest takes his paddle and runs out of the gymnasium. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Mrs. Gump walks out of the house and smiles. Forrest walks up to the house, wearing his uniform. FORREST I'm home, Momma. MRS. GUMP I know, I know. INT. GUMP HOUSE Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk into the house. MRS. GUMP Louise, he's here. He's here, everybody. FORREST (V.O.) Now, when I got home, I had no idea that Momma had had all sorts of visitors. In the house are stacks of ping-pong paddles and life-sized cardboard cutouts of Forrest playing ping-pong. The name on the ping-pong paddles boxes reads: "Gump-Mao table tennis." MRS. GUMP We've had all sorts of visitors, Forrest. Everybody wants you to use their ping-pong stuff. One man even left a check for twenty-five thousand dollars if you'd be agreeable to saying you like using their paddle. FORREST Oh, Momma. I only like using my own paddle. Hi, Miss Louise. LOUISE Hey, Forrest. MRS. GUMP I know that. I know that. But it's twenty-five thousand dollars, Forrest. I thought maybe you could hold it for a while, see if it grows on you. Oh, you look good, Forrest. You look real good. FORREST (V.O.) That Momma, she sure was right. It's funny how things work out. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE/BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE - DAY Forrest walks up to a shack on the edge of the Bayou. A group of black kids play in the front yard. FORREST (V.O.) I didn't stay home for long, because I'd made a promise to Bubba. And I always try to keep my promise. So I went on down to Bayou La Batre to meet Bubba's family and make their introduction. Bubba's mother named MRS. BLUE and her other children look at Forrest. MRS. BLUE Are you crazy, or just plain stupid? FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs. Blue. MRS. BLUE I guess. EXT. BUBBA'S GRAVE - DAY Forrest steps over to Bubba's tombstone. FORREST (V.O.) And of course, I paid my respect to Bubba himself. FORREST Hey, Bubba, it's me, Forrest Gump. I remember everything you said, and I got it all figured out. Forrest pulls out notes from his pocket. FORREST I'm taking the twenty-four thousand, five hundred and six-two dollars and forty-seven cents that I got... EXT. BAYOU - DAY Forrest walks across a yard where men are cleaning shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) ...well, that's left after a new hair cut and a new suit and I took Momma out to real fancy dinner and I bought a bus ticket and three Doctor Peppers. Forrest walks along a wooden pier. Forrest pays an old black shrimper a large wad of cash. OLD SHRIMPER Tell me something. Are you stupid or something? FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, sir. EXT. BUBBA'S GRAVE Forrest stands at the grave. FORREST Well, that's what's left after me saying, "When I was in China on the All-America Ping-Pong Team, I just loved playing ping-pong with my Flex- O-Ping-Pong Paddle." Which everybody knows it isn't true, but Momma says it's just a little white lie so it wouldn't hurt nobody. So, anyway, I'm putting all that on gas, ropes and new nets and a brand-new shrimpin' boat. EXT. BAYOU - DAY Forrest steers his shrimping boat. The boat is old and rusty. Forrest unleashes his nets as his catch of the day drops to the deck. It is a bunch of garbage and shells. Forrest picks up one shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) Now, Bubba had told me everything he knows about shrimpin', but you know what I found out? Shrimpin' is tough. EXT. DOCKS Forrest pulls a couple of shrimp out of a bucket. FORREST I only caught five. OLD SHRIMPER A couple of more, you can have yourself a cocktail. The old shrimper begins to walk away, then stops and looks at Forrest. OLD SHRIMPER Hey, you ever think about namin' this old boat? FORREST (V.O.) I'd never named a boat before, but there was only one I could think of. Forrest paints a name on the side of his boat. The name is "Jenny." FORREST (V.O.) The most beautiful name in the wide world. INT. DISCO Disco lights flash and people dance. A guy asks a girl to dance. GIRL Okay. Jenny sits at a table with some other people. She is snorting cocaine. FORREST (V.O.) Now, I hadn't heard from Jenny in a long while. But... EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE - DAY Forrest stands at the helm as the boat glides across the water. FORREST (V.O.) But I thought about her a lot. And I hoped that whatever she was doing made her happy. INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Drug paraphernalia and a large wad of cash are spread out on a table. A man drops a syringe on the table. He reaches over and touches Jenny. She is pale with dark lines under her eyes. INT. BATHROOM Jenny smears some lines of cocaine on a mirror. She looks at herself in the mirror. EXT. BALCONY Jenny steps out onto the high-rise balcony. She steps up on a table and stands on the edge of the balcony. A busy street lies many stories below. Jenny looks down to the intersection below. She slips over the edge, regains her balance, turns and looks back at the intersection below, and begins to get down from the edge. Jenny grabs a hold of the ledge and carefully climbs down. She sits down on a chair. Jenny rocks back and forth as she cries. She looks up at the sky. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE/FORREST'S BOAT - NIGHT The moon shines above in the sky. Forrest lies in a hammock on his boat. FORREST (V.O.) I thought about Jenny all the time. EXT. FORREST'S BOAT/BAYOU DOCK - DAY Forrest stands at the helm of his boat and slowly glides by the docks. Forrest looks around and notices something and bends down to get a clear view. Lt. Dan sits in his wheelchair on the deck. Forrest looks at Lt. Dan. He smiles, surprised. FORREST Hi! Forrest leaps off of his moving boat and into the water. The boat continues as Forrest clumsily swims. Lt. Dan sits in his wheelchair at the edge of the dock. Forrest flails his arms as he swims up to the dock. Lt. Dan waits for Forrest, smoking a cigar. Forrest climbs up a ladder onto the dock. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, what are you doing here? LT. DAN Well, I thought I'd try out my sea legs. FORREST Well, you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Well, well, Captain Forrest Gump. I had to see this for myself. And I told you if you were ever a shrimp boat captain, that I'd be your first mate. Well, here I am. I am a man of my word. FORREST Okay. Forrest shakes Lt. Dan's hand. LT. DAN Yeah, but don't you be thinking that I'm gonna be calling you sir. FORREST No, sir. Forrest's boat glides, crushing a dock. Forrest and Lt. Dan look at it. FORREST That's my boat. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE WATERS - DAY Forrest's shrimping boat is alone on the gulf waters. LT. DAN I have a feeling if we head the east, we'll find some shrimp. So, take a left. Take a left. Forrest looks up. Lt. Dan is sitting in the rigging. FORREST Which way? LT. DAN Over there! They're over there! Get, get on the wheel and take a left! FORREST Okay. LT. DAN Gump, what are you doing? Take a left! Left! That's where we're gonna find those shrimp, my boy! That's where we'll find 'em. Forrest empties the net. Their "catch" is debris that falls to the deck. FORREST Still no shrimp, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Okay, so I was wrong. FORREST Well, how we gonna find them? LT. DAN Well, maybe you should just pray for shrimp. INT. SMALL CHURCH - DAY The all-black gospel choir sings and claps their hands. FORREST (V.O.) So I went to church every Sunday... Lt. Dan is sitting in his chair at the back of the church. He takes swigs from a liquor bottle. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes Lieutenant Dan came, too. Though I think he left the praying up to me. EXT. BOAT - ANOTHER DAY A catch of junk is dumped onto the deck. Lt. Dan lowers himself from the rigging. FORREST No shrimp. LT. DAN Where the hell's this God of yours? The wind begins to blow strong. FORREST (V.O.) It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that, 'cause right then, God showed up. EXT. BOAT - NIGHT Water sprays on deck during a hurricane. Lt. Dan on the rigging, shouts and shakes his fist as he is pelted by wind and rain. LT. DAN You'll never sink this boat! FORREST (V.O.) Now me, I was scared. But Lieutenant Dan, he was mad. LT. DAN Come on! You call this a storm? Forrest slides back and forth as he attempts to steer the boat. LT. DAN Blow, you son-of-a-bitch! Blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me. I'm right here. Come and get me! You'll never sink this boat! INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY An ANCHORMAN over TV, is standing in front of a pier. ANCHORMAN (over television) Hurricane Carmen came through here yesterday... EXT. BAYOU DOCKS - DAY The anchorman is standing in front of the ruined pier and boats. ANCHORMAN ...destroying nearly everything in its path. And as in other towns up and down the coast, Bayou La Batre's entire shrimping industry... INT. GUMP HOUSE ANCHORMAN ...has fallen victim to Carmen and has been left in utter ruin. Speaking with local officials, this reporter has learned, in fact, only one shrimping boat actually survived the storm. Forrest's boat comes down the river. MRS. GUMP Louise. Louise, there's Forrest! FORREST (V.O.) After that, shrimpin' was easy. FORREST'S BOAT - DAY Lt. Dan and Forrest empty their net. A huge catch of shrimp falls onto the deck. Lt. Dan opens another big catch. Another catch drops open on top of yet another huge catch. Forrest and Lt. Dan smile. FORREST (V.O.) And since people still needed them shrimps for shrimp cocktails and barbecues and all... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT The man sitting on the bench listens to Forrest. An ELDERLY WOMAN sits next to the man. FORREST ...and we were the only boat left standing "Bubba-Gump" shrimp's what they got. We got a whole bunch of boats. Twelve Jenny's, a big ol' warehouse, we even have hats that says "Bubba-Gump" on 'em. "Bubba- Gump Shrimp." It's a household name. MAN Hold on there, boy. Are you telling me you're the owner of the Bubba- Gump Shrimp Corporation? FORREST Yes, sir. We've got more money than Davy Crocket. MAN Boy, I've heard some whoppers in my time, but that tops them all. We was sitting next to a millionaire! The man laughs as he walks away. ELDERLY WOMAN Well, I thought it was a very lovely story. And you tell it so well. With such enthusiasm. FORREST Would you like to see what Lieutenant Dan looks like? ELDERLY WOMAN Well, yes, I would! Forrest shows her the cover of a "Fortune" magazine with Forrest and Lt. Dan on the cover. FORREST That's him right there. The elderly woman looks at the magazine and at Forrest with surprise. FORREST And let me tell you something about Lieutenant Dan. EXT. BOAT/DECK - DAY Forrest and Lt. Dan are working on the boat. LT. DAN Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life. Forrest looks a little surprised. Lt. Dan smiles, then looks away. Lt. Dan pulls himself out of his chair to the railing and jumps into the water. FORREST (V.O.) He never actually said so, but I think he made his peace with God. EXT. BOAT Forrest and Lt. Dan have dinner on the deck. The television shows an assassination attempt on President Gerald Ford. ANCHORMAN (over television) For the second time in seventeen days, President Ford escaped possible assassination today when a woman, Sarah Jane Moore, fired on him as he stepped out of a hotel in San Francisco. MARGO (over radio) Base to Jenny One. Base to Jenny One. LT. DAN Jenny One, go Margo. MARGO (over radio) Forrest has a phone call. LT. DAN Yeah, well you'll have to tell them to call him back. He is indisposed at the moment. MARGO (over radio) His momma's sick. ANCHORMAN (over television) Lynett Alice Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson better known as "Squeaky," attempted to assassinate the President as he was... Forrest dives into the water as he reacts. EXT. ROAD/GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest carries a suitcase as he runs down the road. Forrest runs past the row of mailboxes and turns into the drive. Louise and others are on the front porch. FORREST Where's Momma? LOUISE She's upstairs. INT. GUMP HOUSE - WOMAN'S BED ROOM Forrest opens the door, the doctor stands next to Mrs. Gump in bed. MRS. GUMP Hi, Forrest. DOCTOR I'll see you tomorrow. MRS. GUMP Oh, all right. The doctor looks down at Forrest's legs. DOCTOR We sure got you straightened out, didn't we, boy? The doctor leaves and closes the door. Forrest takes off his hat and steps over to her. FORREST What's the matter, Momma? MRS. GUMP I'm dyin', Forrest. Come on in, sit down over here. FORREST Why are you dyin', Momma? MRS. GUMP It's my time. It's just my time. Oh, now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart. Death is just a part of life. It's something we're all destined to do. I didn't know it, but I was destined to be your momma. I did the best I could. FORREST You did good, Momma. MRS. GUMP Well, I happened to believe you make your own destiny. You have to do the best with what God gave you. FORREST What's my destiny, Momma? MRS. GUMP You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Life is a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. MRS. GUMP I will miss you, Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) She had got the cancer and died on a Tuesday. I bought her a new hat with little flowers on it. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT The elderly woman and Forrest sit. The woman is crying and wipes her eyes with a hankie. FORREST And that's all I have to say about that. A bus stops. Forrest looks at the elderly woman. FORREST Didn't you say you were waiting for the Number Seven bus? ELDERLY WOMAN There'll be another one along shortly. FORREST Now, because I had been a football star, and a war hero, and a national celebrity, and a shrimpin' boat captain, and a college graduate, the city of fathers of Greenbow, Alabama, decided to get together and offered me a fine job. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY Forrest rides a lawn tractor as he moves the football field lawn. FORREST (V.O.) So, I never went back to work for Lieutenant Dan. EXT. GUMP HOUSE MAILBOXES Forrest takes out a letter and opens it. FORREST (V.O.) Though he did take care of my Bubba- Gump money. He got me invested in some kind of fruit company. And so then I got a call from him saying we don't have to worry about money no more. EXT. BUS STOP FORREST And I said, "That's good. One less thing." INT. CHURCH - DAY The choir and members are singing. FORREST (V.O.) Now, Momma said there's only so much fortune a man really needs... EXT. CHURCH The sign reads: "Four Square Baptist Church." A new cross is placed on the steeple. New furniture is taken inside. REVEREND Praise the Lord. FORREST (V.O.) ...and the rest is just for showing off. So, I gave a whole bunch of it to the Four Square Gospel Church. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY The sign reads: "Gump Medical Center Bayou La Batre, Alabama." The ribbon-cutting ceremony. FORREST (V.O.) And I gave a whole bunch to the Bayou La Batre Fishing Hospital. EXT. BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE A postman delivers a letter to Bubba's mom. She opens the letter. FORREST (V.O.) And even though Bubba was dead, and Lieutenant Dan said I was nuts. I gave Bubba's mommy Bubba's share. She is surrounded by her many children. She looks at the check and faints. EXT. BUS STOP FORREST And you know what... INT. FLORIDA CONDO A door opens as a white woman serves Bubba's mom some shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) She didn't have to work in nobody's kitchen no more. MRS. BLUE Smells wonderful! EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD Forrest rides the mower. FORREST (V.O.) And 'cause I was godzillionaire and I liked doing it so much. I cut that grass for free. EXT. GUMP HOUSE BALCONY - NIGHT Forrest looks down the road as he steps onto the porch. FORREST (V.O.) But at nighttime, when there was nothing to do and the house was all empty, I'd always think of Jenny. Jenny's image walks, then vanishes. Forrest looks away. He turns and walks into the house. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Jenny walks across the lawn to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) And then, she was there. JENNY Hello, Forrest. FORREST Hello, Jenny. FORREST (V.O.) Jenny came back and stayed with me. INT. GUMP HOUSE Jenny lies asleep in bed. FORREST (V.O.) Maybe it was because she had nowhere else to go. Or maybe it was because she was so tired, because she went to bed and slept and slept like she hadn't slept in years. It was wonderful having her home. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Forrest and Jenny walking. FORREST (V.O.) Every day we'd take a walk, and I'd jabber on like a monkey in a tree. And she'd listen about ping-pong and shrimpin' boats and Momma makin' a trip to heaven. I did all the talkin'. Jenny most of the time was real quiet. FORREST ...big ol' gobs of rain and little bitty stinging rain and rain... Jenny's old house stands at the end of the dirt road. It appears to be deserted. Jenny walks toward the house and stops. She stares at the house. Forrest walks toward Jenny. Jenny suddenly heaves a rock angrily at the house. She throws other things at the house. JENNY How could you do this? She breaks a window. Jenny collapses to the ground and sobs. Forrest knees down next to her. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks. EXT. OLD OAK TREE - DAY Jenny and Forrest sit on a limb together. FORREST (V.O.) I never really knew why she came back, but I didn't care. It was like olden times. We was like peas and carrots again. INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Jenny sits by the vase of flowers and look out the window. FORREST (V.O.) Every day I'd pick pretty flowers and put them in her room for her. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest closes his eyes as he sits on the porch. Jenny places a box of Nike running shoes in his lap. FORREST (V.O.) And she gave me the best gift anyone could ever get in the wide world. JENNY Okay, you can open your eyes. FORREST New shoes. JENNY They make them just for running. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Through the windows, Forrest and Jenny are dancing as it rains outside. FORREST (V.O.) And she even showed me how to dance. And, well, we was like family... Jenny and me. EXT. RIVER - NIGHT Jenny and Forrest sit on a log together and look at the river. Jenny places her arms around Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) And it was the happiest time of my life. The fireworks explode in the sky. INT. GUMP'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Statue of Liberty is shown on the TV. Fireworks go off. Forrest and Jenny are watching the 4th of July celebration on TV. ANNOUNCER (over television) And this Fourth is witnessing one of the largest fireworks displays in the nation's two-hundred year history... JENNY You done watching it? FORREST Mm-hmm. ANNOUNCER (over television) ...here in New York Harbor. After the spectacular display of tall ships earlier, the Statue of Liberty... Jenny stands up and kisses Forrest on the cheek. JENNY I'm going to bed. Jenny turns off the TV and walks outside. Forrest stands as he puts down his Dr. Pepper. Jenny walks toward the stairs. FORREST Will you marry me? I'd make a good husband, Jenny. JENNY You would, Forrest. FORREST But you won't marry me. JENNY You don't want to marry me. FORREST Why don't you love me, Jenny? I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is. Forrest turns and walks toward the door. Jenny turns and walks up the stairs. Forrest stands outside. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT The house stands in the rain. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest lies in his bed as the door opens. Jenny gets into bed next to Forrest. FORREST Jenny? JENNY Forrest, I do love you. Jenny and Forrest kiss. Jenny takes off her nightgown as they make love. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Jenny carries her purse and walks toward a waiting cab. CAB DRIVER Where are you running off to? JENNY I'm not running. INT. GUMP HOUSE The cab drives away as Forrest is asleep in his bed. The Congressional Medal lies on a table by a ping-pong paddle. Forrest holds a glass of milk and wears his bathrobe. He looks at the medal he had give to Jenny. Jenny's bed is made. Forrest stands in the doorway looking at the room and bed where Jenny had been. EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY Forrest sit on a rocking chair with his running shoes on. He is still, as if in a trance. He slowly puts on his Bubba- Gump cap. Forrest stands. He walks off the porch. He begins to jog across the lawn. His speed increases as he runs farther away. Forrest runs down the drive away from his house. FORREST (V.O.) That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. Forrest runs to the end of the drive, then turns right and runs down the highway. FORREST (V.O.) So I ran to the end of the road, and when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY The three men sit as they watch the television. Forrest runs through the main street of town. NEWSCASTER President Carter, suffering from heat exhaustion fell into the arms of security agents. FORREST (V.O.) And when I got there... EXT. ALABAMA ROAD The sign reads "Entering Greenbow County." FORREST (V.O.) ...I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great... Forrest runs by a sign that reads "Mississippi welcomes you. The Magnolia State." FORREST (V.O.) ...state of Alabama. And that's what I did I ran clear across Alabama. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST For no particular reason, I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. EXT. SANTA MONICA - DAY The sign reads "Santa Monica yacht harbor sports fishing - boating - cafes." Forrest runs under the sign and onto the pier. FORREST (V.O.) And when I got there, I figured since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN Forrest runs to a pier at the Atlantic Ocean. FORREST (V.O.) When I got to another ocean, I figured since I've gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going. Forrest runs across the pier. A lighthouse stands at the end of the pier. FORREST (V.O.) When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST When I had to go, you know, I went. ELDERLY WOMAN And so, you just ran? FORREST Yeah. EXT. HIGHWAY Forrest is running along the highway. Forrest runs down a road between field of wheat. A Mountain river. Forrest runs across a cobble-stone bridge. The Rocky Mountains are behind him in distance. Forrest runs through some meadowland. Split rail fences line the road. FORREST (V.O.) I'd think a lot about Momma and Bubba, and Lieutenant Dan, but most of all, I thought about Jenny. I thought about her a lot. EXT. BARBER SHOP The three men in the barber shop watch the news on television. NEWSCASTER For more than two years now, a man named Forrest Gump, a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama, stopping only to sleep, has been running across America. INT. COFFEE SHOP Jenny fills customer's coffee cups. NEWSCASTER Charles Cooper brings us this report. NEWSMAN For the fourth time on his journey across America, Forrest Gump, a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama, is about to cross the Mississippi River again today. The TV shows Forrest runs across a bridge that reads "Mississippi River." JENNY I'll be damned. Forrest... EXT. MISSISSIPPI BRIDGE NEWSMAN Sir, why are you running? 1ST REPORTER Why are you running? 2ND REPORTER Are you doing this for world peace? 3RD REPORTER Are you doing this for women's right? NEWSMAN Or for the environment? REPORTER Or for animals? 3RD REPORTER Or for nuclear arms? FORREST (V.O.) They just couldn't believe that somebody would do all that running for no particular reason. 2ND REPORTER Why are you doing this? FORREST I just felt like running. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST I just left like running. EXT. SMALL EASTERN TOWN Forrest runs as a YOUNG MAN runs up to him. YOUNG MAN It's you. I can't believe it's really you. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST Now, for some reason what I was doing seemed to make sense to people. EXT. SMALL EASTERN TOWN The young man jobs behind Forrest. YOUNG MAN I mean, it was like an alarm went off in my head, you know. I said, here's a guy that's got his act together. Here's somebody who's got it, all figured out. Here's somebody who has the answer. I'll follow you anywhere, Mr. Gump. FORREST (V.O.) So, I got company. Forrest runs up a slope on a high mountain road. A group of people are jogging behind him. FORREST (V.O.) And after that I got more company. And then... A large group jogs behind Forrest across the desert road. FORREST (V.O.) ...even more people joined in. Somebody later told me... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST ...it gave people hope. Now... Now, I don't know anything about that, but... Forrest and his followers job through a small town. A man runs up and talks to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) Some of those people asked me if I could help them out. AGING HIPPIE Hey, man, hey, listen. I was wondering if you might help me, huh? Listen, I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think up a good slogan. And since you have been such a big inspiration to the people around here, I thought you might be able to help me jump into... Whoa! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dogshit! The hippie jumps over the "dogshit" as he runs along Forrest. FORREST It happens. AGING HIPPIE What, shit? FORREST Sometimes. The hippie stops to ponder this profound thought. FORREST (V.O.) And some years later I heard that fella did come up with a bumper sticker slogan... A bumper sticker reads "Shit Happens." FORREST (V.O.) ...and he make a lot of money off of it. The truck with the bumper sticker drives into an intersection. It collides with a car. EXT. TRUCK STOP Forrest runs, followed by his group, as a man runs up to him. FORREST (V.O.) Another time I was running along, somebody who had lost all his money in the T-shirt business, and he wanted to put my face on a T-shirt, but he couldn't draw that well and he didn't have a camera. WILD-EYED MAN I think it would be really fortunate for me if I could get your name on these, oh, your face and name on these T-shirts. It would be wonderful. A truck splashes mud onto Forrest as it goes by. The man hands Forrest a yellow T-shirt to use as a rag to wipe the mud off. WILD-EYED MAN Here, use this one. Nobody likes that color anyway. Forrest wipes his face on the towel and hands it back to the man. FORREST Have a nice day. The man looks at the T-shirt. He holds it up displaying the "Happy Face." FORREST (V.O.) And some years later I found out that that man did come up with a idea for a T-shirt and he made a lot of money off of it. EXT. MONUMENT VALLEY Forrest runs with a group that follows behind him. FORREST (V.O.) Anyway, like I was saying, I had a lot of company. My Momma always said you got to put the past behind you before you can move on. And I think that's what my running was all about. I had run for three years, two months, fourteen days, and sixteen hours. Forrest stops running. The group stops behind him. Forrest stands and looks as the group waits expectantly. Forrest turns and look. YOUNG MAN Quiet. Quiet, he's gonna say something. FORREST I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go home now. Forrest walks toward the group. The group parts for Forrest as he walks down the middle of the road. YOUNG MAN Now what are we supposed to do? FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, my running days was over. So, I went home to Alabama. A television shows President Reagan and his staff as they react to gunshots in front of a limo. NEWSCASTER (over television) Moments ago, at two twenty-five p.m., as President Reagan was leaving the Washington Hilton Hotel... INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest sits eating a sandwich, watching the news of the assassination attempt. NEWSCASTER ...five or six gunshots were fired by an unknown would-be assassin. The President was shot in the chest and the assailant was immediately tackled by a half a dozen lawmen. As the Presidential... LOUISE I picked up the mail. FORREST Oh, thank you, Miss, Miss Louise. FORREST (V.O.) One day, out of the blue clear sky, I got a letter from Jenny... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT Forrest takes the letter out of his pocket. FORREST ...wondering if I could come down to Savannah to see her, and that's what I'm doing here. She saw me on TV, running, I'm supposed to go on the Number Nine bus to Richmond Street and get off and go one block left to 1-9-4-7 Henry Street, Apartment 4. The elderly woman looks at the letter. ELDERLY WOMAN Why, you don't need to take a bus. Henry Street is just five or six blocks down that way. FORREST Down that way? ELDERLY WOMAN Down that way. Forrest hastily grabs his suitcase and letter as he stands. FORREST It was nice talking' to you. Forrest runs, the elderly woman shouts from the bus stop bench. A truck honks its horn as Forrest runs across the street past the truck. ELDERLY WOMAN I hope everything works out for you. INT. JENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jenny opens the door. JENNY Hey! Forrest! How you doing? FORREST Hi. JENNY Come in. Come in. FORREST I got your letter. JENNY Oh, I was wondering about that. Jenny shuts the door. Forrest looks around. FORREST Is this your house? JENNY Yeah, it's messy right now. I just got off work. FORREST It's nice. You got air conditioning. Forrest hands Jenny the box of chocolates. FORREST Ah... JENNY Thank you. FORREST I ate some. Jenny picks up a scrapbook and turns the pages. JENNY Hey, I kept, I kept a scrapbook of your, of your clippings and everything. There you are. This, I got your running. FORREST I ran a long way. For a long time. JENNY There. Listen, Forrest. I don't know how to say this. Um, I just... I want to apologize for anything that I ever did to you, 'cause I was messed up for a long time, and... There is a knock at the door. LYNN MARIE enters as she opens the door. LYNN MARIE Yoo-hoo. JENNY Hey. LYNN MARIE Hi. Jenny grabs a young boy. JENNY Hey, you. This is an old friend from Alabama. LYNN MARIE Oh, how do you do? JENNY Ah, listen, next week my schedule changes, so I'll be able to... but thanks for picking up. LYNN MARIE No problem. Got to go, Jen. I'm double parked. JENNY Okay. Lynn Marie closes the door and waves bye to Forrest. LYNN MARIE Bye. JENNY Thanks. This is very good friend, Mr. Gump. Can you say hi to him? LITTLE BOY Hello, Mr. Gump. FORREST Hello. LITTLE BOY Now, can I go watch TV now? JENNY Yes, you can. Just keep it low. The little boy runs into other room and picks up TV remote control. FORREST You're a momma, Jenny. JENNY I'm a momma. His name is Forrest. FORREST Like me. JENNY I named him after his Daddy. FORREST He got a daddy named Forrest, too? JENNY You're his daddy, Forrest. Forrest continues to stare at Forrest Jr. Forrest then looks frightened and starts to back away. JENNY Hey, Forrest, look at me. Look at me, Forrest. There's nothing you need to do, okay? You didn't do anything wrong. Okay? Jenny turns and looks at Forrest Jr. in the other room. JENNY Isn't he beautiful? FORREST He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But... is, is he smart, or is he... JENNY He's very smart. He's one of the smartest in his class. Forrest breathes deep. He looks at Jenny, then at Forrest Jr. JENNY Yeah, it's okay. Go talk to him. Forrest walks into the room and sits down next to Forrest Jr. "Sesame Street" is on the TV. BERT Oh, great. ERNIE Hey, Bert, can you give me a hand? BERT A hand? Well, yeah, what do you want, Ernie? FORREST What are you watching. FORREST JR. Bert and Ernie. ERNIE Well, it's the first stage. Bert. It's planning to write a story, Bert. I have pencils right here to write with, Bert. Now, we got, uh, paper. I'll take that paper, Bert. See, we have the paper to write on. EXT. PARK - DAY Forrest and Jenny sit on a bench. Forrest Jr. swings behind them. JENNY Forrest, I'm sick. FORREST What, do you have a cough due to cold? JENNY I have some kind virus. And the doctors don't, they don't know what it is. And there isn't anything they can do about it. FORREST You could come home with me. Jenny, you and little Forrest could come stay at my house in Greenbow. I'll take care of you if you're sick. JENNY Would you marry me, Forrest? FORREST Okay. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY A group has gathered on the lawn for the wedding. Louise walks up to Forrest. MINISTER Please take your seats. LOUISE Forrest, it's time to start. Jenny walks out of the house. Forrest walks over to greet her. She wears a white dress. She walks up to Forrest and adjusts his necktie. JENNY Hi. Your tie. Lt. Dan is walking across the lawn. He uses a cane. A WOMAN is walking next to him. FORREST Lieutenant Dan? Lieutenant Dan! LT. DAN Hello, Forrest. Jenny walks over to Forrest and Lt. Dan. FORREST You got new legs. New legs! LT. DAN Yeah, I got new legs. Lt. Dan lifts his pant leg to display his metal leg. LT. DAN Custom-made titanium alloy. It's what they use on the space shuttle. FORREST Magic legs. LT. DAN This is my fiancee, Susan. FORREST Lieutenant Dan! Susan shakes Forrest's hand. SUSAN Hi, Forrest. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, this is my Jenny. JENNY Hey, it's nice to meet you, finally. Jenny steps forward and kisses Lt. Dan's cheek. The group is seated as they watch Forrest and Jenny take vows on the front lawn. Forrest Jr. stands next to Jenny. MINISTER Do you, Forrest, take Jenny to be your wife? Do you, Jenny, take Forrest to be your husband? If so, I pronounce you man and wife. The wind blows fallen leaves across the ground. Jenny, Forrest, and Forrest Jr. walk toward the house. They all hold hands as they walk. INT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Forrest steps into Jenny's bedroom. He carries a tray with breakfast on it. Forrest looks at Jenny as she sleeps. Slowly she wakes up and looks at Forrest. FORREST Hey. JENNY Hey. Forrest sets the tray down next to Jenny as she sits up in bed. Forrest opens a window, then sits down next to the bed. JENNY Hey, Forrest, were you scared in Vietnam? FORREST Yes. Well, I, I don't know. EXT. VIETNAM - FLASHBACK - NIGHT Forrest looks up into the sky as the rain stops. Forrest removes his helmet. The stars emerge from behind the clouds. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out. And then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou... EXT. BAYOU - FLASHBACK - SUNSET Forrest stands on his boat and looks at a deep orange and red sunset. FORREST (V.O.) There was over a million sparkles on the water. Like that mountain lake. EXT. MOUNTAIN LAKE - FLASHBACK - DAY Forrest runs along a highway. A lake reflects the mountains and the sky. FORREST (V.O.) It was so clear, Jenny. It looks like there were two skies, one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up... EXT. DESERT - FLASHBACK - SUNRISE Forrest runs along a desert highway. The morning light casts an orange glow over the desert. FORREST (V.O.) I couldn't tell where heavens stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful. INT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Forrest looks at Jenny. Jenny looks out the window. JENNY I wish I could have been there with you. FORREST You were. Jenny reaches over and takes Forrest's hand. JENNY I love you. FORREST (V.O.) You died on a Saturday morning. EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE AT OLD OAK TREE - DAY Forrest stands under the old oak tree where Jenny has been buried. FORREST And I had you placed here under our tree. Jenny's grave marker. Forrest tries to hold back his tears. FORREST And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground. EXT. JENNY'S OLD HOUSE - DAY Forrest watches as Jenny's dad's house is knocked down by a bulldozer. FORREST (V.O.) Momma... EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE FORREST ...always said dyin' was a part of life. Jenny's grave marker reads: JENNY GUMP July 16, 1945 -- March 22, 1982 Beloved Mother, Wife and Friend FORREST I sure wish it wasn't. Little Forrest, he's doing just fine. INT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest Jr. reads a book to Forrest sitting next to him. FORREST JR. (reading) "But he wasn't quite sure. Everywhere they went, the new guests... FORREST (V.O.) About to start school again soon. I make his breakfast, lunch, and dinner... EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE Forrest looks down as he sobs. FORREST ...every day. I make sure he combs his hair and brushes his teeth every day. Teaching him how to play ping pong. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest tries to teach Forrest Jr. how to play ping-pong. FORREST Okay... FORREST (V.O.) He's really good. FORREST Forrest, you go. Forrest Jr. serves the ball, causing Forrest dive and miss it. EXT. GUMP HOUSE/RIVER - DAY Forrest and Forrest Jr. sit on a log by the river and fish. FORREST (V.O.) We fish a lot. EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE Forrest looks down at the grave marker. FORREST And every night, we read a book. He's so smart, Jenny. You'd be so proud of him. I am. He, uh, wrote a letter, and he says I can't read it. I'm not supposed to, so I'll just leave it here for you. Forrest places the letter down at the grave marker, next to fresh flowers. The name on the envelope reads: "Mom." Forrest steps back and looks down at the grave. FORREST Jenny, I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away. As Forrest walks away, a flock of birds flies overhead and lands in the tree. Forrest turns and watches. EXT. ROAD - MORNING Forrest walks with Forrest Jr. for the bus. The bus drives toward them. FORREST Here's your bus. Okay. Forrest pulls "Curious George" out of Forrest Jr.'s backpack. FORREST Hey, I know this. FORREST JR. I'm gonna show that for show-and- tell because grandma used to read it to you. Forrest looks at the book. The feather from the beginning of the movie drops out of the book, unnoticed. FORREST My favorite book. The bus comes to a stop. The door opens. FORREST Well... Forrest puts the book back into Forrest Jr.'s backpack and hands it to him. FORREST ...okay. Hey, there you go. Forrest Jr. walks toward the bus. Forrest stands up. FORREST Hey, Forrest. Don't... I wanted to tell you I love you. FORREST JR. I love you too, Daddy. FORREST I'll be right here when you get back. Forrest Jr. looks into the bus and at the bus driver. It is the same bus driver, only older now, who drove Forrest to school when he was a young boy. SCHOOLD BUS DRIVER You understand this is the bus to school now, don't you? FORREST JR. Of course, and you're Dorothy Harris and I'm Forrest Gump. Forrest Jr. looks over and waves to his father. Forrest nods approvingly. Forrest Jr. gets on the bus. The bus pulls away. Forrest stands next to the mailbox. Forrest sits down. The camera cranes down, revealing the feather as it lies at Forrest's feet. A gust of wind picks the feather up. The feather floats up into the air. Forrest sits at the side of the road. The feather floats higher into the air. The feather soars up into the sky and travels up and down, then covers the camera lens. THE END
"FOUR ROOMS" Screenplay by Allison Anders Alexandre Rockwell Robert Rodriguez Quentin Tarantino MAIN TITLES As presentation credits begin, we hear Johnny Cash's "Home of the Blues." Then we see Allison's name, under it Alex's, under that Robert's, under that Quentin's, then under that the title logo for Four Rooms, followed by "Starring Tim Roth as the Bellboy." Then "The Guests" listed in alphabetical order of all the actors playing guests. After the actors' names, we... FADE UP ON A WALL The camera pans down a weathered wall covered with postcards from Miami Beach, Florida, the Copacabana, N.Y.C., "Wish You Were Here" from Niagara Falls, rickshaws and babes on beaches, etc.... The camera comes to rest on an old photograph of a 1930s hotel, the "Mon Signor," in its heyday, with a full staff of 30 people posed on the lawn in front. An old guy with a staccato voice delivers a monologue: VOICE-OVER There used to be a staff of fifty in this place. I'm the only one left from those days. It all comes down to one sap: the night-shift bellhop, that's me. What the hell is a bellhop? You know where the name comes from? (silence) Of course not... It's so simple it's stupid. They ring a bell and you hop. You hop to front and center. No heroes in this line, kid. Just men doing a job. No questions asked, none answered. I try to keep it simple, kid, not too personal... Another voice of a young man interrupts. TED You met any of those old stars? THE OLD GUY Stars! Are you kidding me? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes. I taught Shirley Temple how to roller-skate. I saw Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate three cheese sandwiches right on the spot you're sitting, kid. What did you say your name was? TED Ted. THE OLD GUY Ted, right. I remember Marilyn used to come down at night and doze off in the kitchen. She liked the sound of the fans out back spinning around. Sure, these were stars, kid. Errol Flynn used to call me "Alibi." You'll pick up a few stories yourself, kid. TED I don't think so, not like yours. THE OLD GUY What do you think a star does when he goes to the bathroom, kid? TED Beats me. THE OLD GUY He pulls his pants down and takes a crap just like you and me. Take my word for it. A wisp of smoke passes over a napkin pinned to the wall with a lip print on it signed "Marilyn." The camera pulls back to reveal Ted and the Old Guy sitting on a foldout cot in a small back room of the Hotel Mon Signor. The old man is dressed in a striped T-shirt with a bellhop's cap on. He looks like an old pirate. Next to him on the bed sits Ted, a young guy with a bellhop jacket draped over his knees. The old bellhop takes a long drag off a big cigar. THE OLD GUY Camacho! TED Who? THE OLD GUY The cigar. Cuban. A good cigar, wrapped in Miami. I get a box of them every Christmas from the chairman of the board. I think he sends them to me to keep my mouth shut. It's tough not to get a little personal in this business. The old bellhop takes a hit off his cigar and stares down at his cap, lost in thought. TED What do you mean? The old guy passes the cap over to Ted. THE OLD GUY Put it on. Ted puts the cap on. THE OLD GUY Frankly, you look stupid... like the Philip Morris guy. I can't believe I wore that thing for fifty years. You keep it. The Old Guy gets up from the bed and throws a jacket on. Pulls a few postcards off the wall, throws them in an old straw suitcase, and slams the lid down. He heads for the door. Ted follows. THE OLD GUY Stay away from night clerks, kids, hookers, and marital disputes. The Old Guy pauses for a second and looks Ted dead in the eye. THE OLD GUY Never have sex with the clientele. TED No way, not me. You got any other advice. THE OLD GUY Always get a tip. The door slams shut on the back room. INT. HOTEL LOBBY--TWILIGHT The big empty lobby of the Mon Signor. You can tell that at one point this used to be a swank place. It still is, kinda. It's also kinda decrepit. The concierge -- a snappy, fast- talking, red-haired young woman in a blue blazer named Betty -- stands behind the reception desk. The old man, suitcase in hand, makes a beeline through the lobby, heading toward the front door. Betty sees him. BETTY Sam! Hey, Sam, wait a minute! The Old Guy stops in his tracks and turns around. THE OLD GUY What? Betty comes from behind the desk. BETTY I just want to say good-bye. THE OLD GUY Who are you? BETTY Uhhh, Betty. The concierge. Your boss. The Old Guy squints his eyes at the young gal. THE OLD GUY Oh yeah. Gotta light, sister? Goddam cigar went out. BETTY Yeah, sure. She speaks to the Old Guy as she lights his cigar and he puffs away. BETTY I just want you to know, from the owner and all the staff, your fifty years of service have been an inspiration to us all. You're a legend in your own time, and the Mon Signor will never be the -- THE OLD GUY Just forward my cigars, Red. (He turns around the walks out, saying over his shoulder) Aufwiedersehen! Betty is left standing in the lobby. Ted appears behind her in his bellbody uniform, sans cap. TED Sam the bellboy. Now there was a man. BETTY Yeah. Oh, hi, Teddy. Ready to start the night shift? TED Yeah. BETTY Well, let me buy you a drink. TED You wanna buy me a drink? I'm starting my shift. BETTY You're not an alcoholic, are you; one drink won't kill you. TED Yeah, sure. They walk out of frame. In the empty frame we SUPER: NEW YEAR'S EVE 7:00 P.M. INT. BACK ROOM--NIGHT Betty and Ted sit in the back room, both with drinks in their hand. This dialogue is to be delivered rapid fire, Howard Hawks style. BETTY After fifty years, Sam retires, and you're taking over the night shift. TED Correct. BETTY You're filling some mighty big shoes. TED Oh, I know. BETTY Sam was a legend in the hotel business. TED Oh, I know... BETTY A bellhop's bellhop. TED An inspiration to us all. BETTY He ran the night desk for fifty years, all by himself. TED An amazing man. BETTY No desk clerk. No night man. No help. Just fuckin' Sam, and his wits. TED A man alone. BETTY And you're gonna do the same. TED I know. BETTY Tonight. Ted spews his drink. TED Tonight! BETTY Yes, tonight. TED I can't. BETTY Yes, you can. TED No, I can't. I never worked the night shift before. BETTY Oh night shift -- smight shift. TED We were supposed to work it together. BETTY I know, but I can't. TED Why not? BETTY I'm having a New Year's Eve party. TED Since when? BETTY Actually, I'm not having it. My roommate is. And there's this guy. German guy. He's gonna be there. And so am I. TED I can't run this place by myself. BETTY Oh, sure ya can. TED No, I can't. BETTY Sam ran this place by himself for fifty years. TED Yeah, and he had fifty years of fuckin' practice, too. I haven't had a day. BETTY Look, Teddy, calm down -- TED -- Don't call me Teddy. BETTY Ted, the night's cake. It's easy. The day's when it's busy. During the night there's nothing to do. TED It's New Year's Eve. BETTY Which'll make it less busy than normal. Ever worked on Christmas? Unless you sell turkeys, business is dead. You just got butterflies, that's all. TED What I have ain't butterflies. I can't handle this hotel all by myself. Betty slows the scene down. BETTY Okay, let's calm down a minute. Slow it down, cool it off. Let's just talk. TED You can say any goddamn thing you want -- BETTY -- Ted? I thought we were calming down? I thought we were cooling off? No hostility. Say good-bye to hostility. We're just talking. TED Okay... okay... okay... I'm calm, I'm cool, let's talk. BETTY Ted, in a nutshell, all you have to do is hold the fort. It's New Year's Eve. Most of the guests are going out. You'll just be giving them a little nod as they come staggering in at three... four... five... in the morning. Nobody's having any parties, a few get-togethers, but no parties. You got about three people checking in tonight, that's it. The only variable is Chester Rush in the penthouse. TED Chester Rush? The guy from The Wacky Detective? BETTY Yeah, him and his entourage checked in last night. They're in the penthouse. The only reason I refer to it as a variable is that he's a movie star. Ya never know about movie stars. I'm tellin' ya, Ted, it's cake. Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down. BETTY (continuing) And look, if you have any problems, call me at the party. Ted thinks about it for a moment. TED Okay. BETTY Great -- TED -- For fifty bucks. BETTY Fifty bucks! TED You're shirking your duties for this Nazi. For that you pay a price, and the price is fifty bucks. BETTY One, Horst is not a Nazi. Two, that's not a fair price. You're taking advantage of the situation. Twenty bucks. Now, twenty bucks is a fair price. TED Yeah, but what you're doin' to me ain't fair. And, you are completely and totally taking advantage of me and your position. So fifty bucks is the perfect price. Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse. BETTY Okay, but don't be a pussy. You don't bother me unless it's an emergency. In fact, for fifty bucks, you better not call me unless the fuckin' building's burning down. She gives him the money. BETTY Get ready to take the desk. Betty leaves. Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares himself for the night. FADE TO BLACK STORY TITLE CARD: ROOM 321 "STRANGE BREW" FADE IN: EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL--DUSK Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a taxi unloads her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is a Beautiful Mediterranean Goddess (actually, we will come to see she is not technically a goddess, but a High Priestess). She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian accent and is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena. Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a woven Moroccan bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is concerned as he attempts to lift it. ATHENA Pleeze be careful -- my God. You have no idea... Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely heavy bag onto the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily. The driver winces and gets in the cab. Ted has now managed with grunts and groans and strained blood vessels to put this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at Ted, who is out of breath. ATHENA I'm usually a good tipper, but this one -- this cab driver -- he had green all around him. I don't like that in a man. Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest. TED Green? Is that bad? Like you read auras or something like that? ATHENA Something like that. TED Yeah, well what color are you seein' around me... how's the tip lookin? ATHENA I see purple... in your face, and... As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely drawn to his crotch. She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be charmingly oblivious. Athena looks back into his face. ATHENA ...you're okay. Ted touches his face -- as if searching for the "purple" in it -- and moves the cart inside, discreetly checking out his crotch and giving her a confused side glance. INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her reservation. ATHENA Athena Z. TED (scratching his head -- weird name, okay) You're booked in the Honeymoon Suite -- just one night? With all this luggage? ATHENA I will only need to stay till sunrise. TED Okay... and how will you be paying? ATHENA With gold. He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly -- she pulls out her Gold Card and smiles. EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor. Ted follows Athena with the cart down the hallway to her room. AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In the center of the room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids poised with urns on each side. A dormant fireplace looms beyond the still hot tub. Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety -- then looks in front of him to Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of a little Cupid and mumbles, "Perfect." Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed, she mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance wiggle and turns to Ted, who is truly perplexed. ATHENA Well -- the other bag -- I need it. TED Right. He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He laughs sickly. TED What the hell you got in here, lady? Nuclear weapons? She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the bag. ATHENA (dryly) The White Cliffs of Dover. Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and pauses to pull a 10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it to him. Ted is grateful and disoriented. ATHENA The others will be coming soon. Send them, pleeze. Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the cart. Then he turns from outside the doorway. TED Oh -- I forgot to show you how to turn on the Jacuzzi. But Athena is ahead of him -- she flips a switch and water begins to flow from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub. ATHENA I been in dis' place many New Year's. So... you send the others to me, huh. Go now. As she says this, the door closes with a strange force, shutting Ted out. Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the suite. IN THE SUITE BEDROOM A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible to imagine having an orgasm in this room -- unless it were achieved by laughing. Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of stone from her tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it like a baby to the bed and places it in the very center, the head of the rock resting on dusty heart-shaped pillows. Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching high-heeled slippers. And these she places with reverence on the bed. ATHENA On this night, oh great goddess Diana, we restore your virgin flesh and bring you back to real life. CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact. ATHENA Soon -- I take you to the pond for a cleansing. Well, it's a swimming pool, but it will be under the setting sun, okay? INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK FALLS Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first guest, Elspeth arrives. She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue eyes, blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like Honey West in a rubber dress. She carries several bags, and a silver sword on her shoulder. TED May I help you? ELSPETH I... we... have a reservation. Then she snaps, irritated, behind her. ELSPETH Kiva! ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a long leather coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling "PUSSY" across her breasts. This is Kiva. Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette machine. Just as Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several packs of smokes drop into the juvenile delinquent's hands. KIVA Wait up, gawd! I had to get supplies for this boring ass night. ELSPETH (to Ted) We have a reservation in the Honeymoon Suite. TED Oh yeah... you must be one of "the others." And what're you carrying -- the Rock of Gibraltar? She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He walks around the desk to help her with her black crocodile luggage. Jars clang inside. He is ready to go, but Elspeth turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of smoking, as Kiva lights up. ELSPETH What'd I tell you about smoking? KIVA You smoke. ELSPETH That's right -- I smoke, and I'm addicted to it, and I don't want the same thing to happen to you. KIVA (in game-show host voice) "Hello -- welcome to this week's edition of the Hypocrite of the Year Award --" As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host, Elspeth is growing increasingly rageful, like a mother with an unruly child. Ted waits, luggage in hand. ELSPETH Kiva! That's enough -- She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly. KIVA You're not my mother! ELSPETH Yes I am. KIVA Then why're we sleeping together? Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning to unfold here. Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at his scrutiny. ELSPETH Well... I didn't mean it... literally. I... I happen to be the only one who... cares about you -- But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted, flustered. ELSPETH Please -- take us to our room! Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword, but Elspeth quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots him a piercing glare. He jumps back with a light nervous laugh. He leads the way to the elevator. AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee tables, lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room. Athena is gone. As Ted stumbles around the furniture in the hall, he peers in the room and see a transformation. With most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and flowers are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace. But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the Jacuzzi and pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white powder on the carpet encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands him a tip as he gawks at the circle. ELSPETH Flea powder. One of the others is bringing her cat. Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look to see Elspeth kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor. He shakes his head and leaves. ELSPETH You're gonna have to wait in the other room. KIVA Why? ELSPETH Because I said so. KIVA I'll watch TV. ELSPETH You can't watch TV because the noise will interfere with our ritual. Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway. She turns to Elspeth with sarcastic concession. KIVA Okay... Mommy. Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom. Elspeth enters the sacred circle, stands before the altar, whips out her sword, and makes a ceremonial gesture pointing the sword upward, perfectly centered between her breasts. Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway into the hall and comes back in, lugging the TV into the honeymoon bedroom. Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with the "cleansed" artifact and lays the slab in the center of the altar upon the heart-shaped pillows as Elspeth lays her sword next to the rock. The women look upon the union with tender affection. ATHENA Soon -- our goddess will come. I will go get her negligee. Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks! Loud TV suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat is trying on the pink negligee over her clothes. Athena takes the negligee off the irrepressible youth. ATHENA What are you doing! Have you no respect -- who -- who is dis girl? ELSPETH Kiva. My friend. Kiva, turn off the TV! I can't leave her at home -- she's on probation and I gotta keep an eye on her. ATHENA Well, Elspeth, your friend cannot stay here during the ritual. She may be one of your kind, but she is not one of us. ELSPETH She stays!! Or I go -- along with my offering! The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out -- ATHENA TURN OF THE FUCKING TV, MAN! KIVA (in a seductive pout) Make me... Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated as she firmly demands from Elspeth -- ATHENA Let's not forget -- I am the High Fucking Priestess. Deal with dis girl! Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverence and respect. She bows apologetic and scurries to the bedroom. ATHENA (eyes lifted to heaven, wearily) Tell me -- did we have these problems in Salem? I don't think so... IN THE BEDROOM Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a soft touch. ELSPETH Kiva... you know what I love about you? Kiva smirks... yeah, she knows. ELSPETH Your sweet side. KIVA And what do I get if I'm sweet? ELSPETH You get whatever you want. And you know what else I love about you? KIVA (seduced now) What? ELSPETH Your nose. And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room. Kiva is quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she has the last word. ELSPETH And I saw you checking her out. Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place -- for now. IN THE HALLWAY/EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer luggage -- and lots of it -- behind yet another Gorgeous Gal. This one is Jezebel, a Southern beauty, fawning over her cat, as she carries nothing else, and proceeds down the hall like a Southern princess. JEZEBEL (talking to her cat in baby talk) Oh you little stinker... oh you sweet little muffin. Yes... Mama loves the baby. AT THE DOOR Jezebel bursts in, chattering. JEZEBEL Well, this is just darlin'! Just darlin' Hi-dee, girls... Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place has become all the more transformed with wild canopies of exotic cloths and fixings. Elspeth and Athena are hard at work on a strange nature sculpture as Jezebel enters. She stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot tub, which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents her cat -- upward toward heaven -- frees the cat, bares her breasts and sucks in the vibes: "Ahhhh." Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms, but her back is to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks it up and presses it against her bare breasts, petting it sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip. JEZEBEL Toodle-loo. And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors to the bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing on herself. JEZEBEL Well -- I see Elspeth has herself a new lil' fool -- what the hell is she doin' here on our night of annual ritual? ATHENA (wearily) I have sanctioned her presence, as long as she behaves. Come on -- there is more work to be done to welcome our great Diana. KIVA I WANT ROOM SERVICE!! ELSPETH Why do I always attract girls who are looking for a babysitter? JEZEBEL Well now, honey, maybe Juvenile Hall ain't the best place to find serious relationship material. Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent. IN THE HALLWAY Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched in a mask of perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his hand -- at least these lunachicks tip well. Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female intoxication, she wears a short skirt, all done up in Native American, Southwestern themes. No shoes. But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down the hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself. RAVEN I'm looking for the room for making love. TED You might be referring to the Honeymoon Suite. Straight thata way... you can't miss it -- see all that furniture in the hallway -- RAVEN Oh I know the way. I just wanted you to know that I knew where I was going and that you needn't bother yourself with me. The others are here -- great! TED (wearily) Oh yeah -- it's so great -- it's fantastic. RAVEN (in deep empathy) Ohhh... I know it all seems very strange but you're coping with us much better than the bellboys of past New Year's. TED Past New Year's? RAVEN Oh yes -- we've been coming here every New Year... for a long time. Thanks for your patience. TED Oh hey -- no problem -- wreck the place. Bring in cats. Ruin the carpet with flea powder, pour paint in the Jacuzzi. Throw the furniture out the... where're your bags? RAVEN I travel very light. Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her thick dark hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off. INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from the others. She looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother, with a tablecloth halter top and skirt, sandals, and a simple scarf over her long dark curls. She carries two bags by herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is Eva. TED (already weary of these girls) Yeah, yeah, Honeymoon Suite. EVA Oh... yes... I'm late. She lowers her eyes, worried. TED All right -- lemme give ya a hand. EVA Oh... no, that's all right. I can carry them by myself. She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to have been irritated with her. He picks up her bags. TED I'm a man doin' a job -- no hero. Eva smiles, beautifully. EVA Well gosh -- thank you! IN THE ELEVATOR Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There is a shy quiet tension here. EVA Tell me, how long have the others been here? TED About an hour. Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her bags in. IN THE SUITE The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing palace with an elaborate altar, both earthly and the other- earthly. The other four girls are arranging the altar as Eva enters. ATHENA You are very late, Eva. EVA I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth and the placenta was late in coming. Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then takes it back. EVA Oh, wait, lemme give you a little more than that... Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change purse. ELSPETH Which birth is more important to you, that of a mortal or that of a goddess? EVA All life is precious... but I do apologize for being late, Elspeth. JEZEBEL Back home, they jist yank on the umbilical cord, do a Karate chop on the mama's belly, and them things come right out. EVA They do that here, too, Jezebel, in the hospitals, but it causes hemorrhages. I fed the mother a bowl of comfrey tea and it brought the afterbirth down perfectly. The couple are going to use it for fertilizer to plant a lovely tree for their baby. KIVA Oh wow -- if they were really back- to-nature, they'd eat it, like other mammals do. CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out. RAVEN In some Native American cultures, they dry the umbilical cord, grind it to a fine powder, and put it in a leather pouch that the baby wears to ward off evil. But burying the placenta is also a very sound ecological practice -- 'cause of the oxygen it carries. EVA (cheerfully to the others) Yes -- because you see when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall... TED (wincing in disgust) Uh, thank you, ladies -- I'll be going now. If you need anything -- Eva places a nice tip in his palm. ATHENA Wait. We do need a few things. Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She kneels softly, holds her hands in piety before the altar, and softly incants as she offers her pot and places it on the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now rest here on pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone to materialize into the garments. ATHENA We need fresh rosemary from the kitchen. Mostly what we need is from the kitchen. Hey, are you listening? Ted is watching Eva, enchanted. TED Yeah, yeah, rosemary. ATHENA And a little bit of sea salt or Kosher salt if you don't got no sea salt. A bottle of spring water -- Italian please, not French shit. KIVA And some french fries! ELSPETH Kiva, shut up. ATHENA (irritated) And some ginger, two of the eyes of a trout fish, and a piece of raw meat, liver if you have it. KIVA (whining) I want fries -- you dumb jerks with your stupid fucking ritual! ATHENA Shut up, you little shit. ELSPETH Don't talk to her that way! Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at this list and these girls and shudders as he walks away. He turns, points at Eva. Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as she looks him in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing connection happening. He holds his head, almost swooning with dizziness. Athena smirks. ATHENA Get to work, man. Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs off. After he goes, the girls begin to bring forth their most treasured offerings in ornate ancient bottles, vases or vials. Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction of Kiva, sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi, with her feet dipping irreverently in the water. ELSPETH Kiva... KIVA What? ELSPETH You have to go in the next room now. KIVA Oh, wow, like I'm bummed out that I can't watch. (whining at Elspeth) I'm bored! ELSPETH UP! She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her feet. KIVA Don't put me in there by myself. I'll miss you way too much. ELSPETH Kiva, don't do this to me. Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of the Jacuzzi. She begins to speak softly. KIVA Please... if you just lemme... I'll play dress-up with you, the way you like it... you know what I mean... remember...? Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up. Kiva pours on softer seduction. KIVA We can pretend and I'll do it exactly... the way you want it... with the egg whites and the kilt. Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and presses it lightly on her face. ELSPETH You mean... like last week? Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick" sound from Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this side of her life -- in front of her coven. She nervously looks around and see all the coven looking at her: a disgusted Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an impatient and stern Athena. Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture. ELSPETH We'll talk about this later, Kiva. KIVA (angrily) No! She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her arm away and grabs Kiva by the hair. JEZEBEL Aw, really now -- child abuse? ELSPETH You stay outta this! ATHENA I demand this stop now, Elspeth! Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her. KIVA I'm running away from you! ELSPETH Fine. Go ahead. And I'll call your parole officer and she'll find you and send you back to Eastlake! Kiva stomps off into the bedroom. ATHENA Now that the fucking melodrama is over, can we start the goddamn ritual -- pleeze? Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her shoes. They anoint themselves with oils. ATHENA We are communing here on New Year's Eve to bring to life the great goddess Diana, who was turned to stone in this very room forty years ago today. The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to sway within the circle. ATHENA Diana, great beautiful one, we make these offerings to you, that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you of the seed of your lover, your virginal blood, of your very life. We now form the symbolic rock with our bodies. And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies gracefully draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly they start to unfold from the rock. The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of clothes. They anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi. They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the semicircle. The first one to go from one end to the other is Athena. She then proceeds up the stairs and positions herself between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She steps forth with a bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi. ATHENA On this night, in this hour, we Call upon the Ancient Power O Goddess bride, I offer thee Milk from a mother's sweet titty! Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on the altar and bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now steps forward with her offering in a vial. ELSPETH To reverse the evil which has been done I make this offering to the Divine One A whore not, an innocent was, For whom I seized a virgin's blood. JEZEBEL Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust, To undo this awful spell is a real must. To bring you life and get you high I offer the sweat of five men's thighs. The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her offering in the hot tub and bows out, returning to the circle. Now Raven comes forth with a small leather canteen. She unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate stupor. RAVEN Diana, oh great one, we live without sun Until this wicked curse is undone. In hope that you live, and to us appear, I have collected a year's worth of tears. She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's Eva's turn. Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the altar. The girls keep their eyes closed as they sway, waiting for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives her a push and she goes. Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle with a chain on its cap and neck. She timidly begins to incant. EVA Great Goddess Diana, fail you I will, I was to bring fresh sperm from my Bill. I had him erect, and his semen would follow But alas I was hot, so hot that I swallowed. The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena opens her eyes, wildly. ATHENA You stupid little witch! You swallowed the sperm! Aye-yi--yi! Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly. ELSPETH It just shows what an amazing lack of control you have over yourself, Eva! JEZEBEL Honey, why didn't you just use your hands? Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth? RAVEN I understand though... Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm. ATHENA There is no time to cry over swallowed sperms. You're gonna have to get some, baby. You have one hour to prove what kind of witch you really are. Just then: a knock at the door. ATHENA (calling out) What do you want?! TED Ted... the bellboy. Athena smiles and turns to Eva. ATHENA Mr. Bellboy, come right in! Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the fleshly feast. He steps back. They giggle seductively, all except Eva, who sniffles, red-eyed. Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow, not by the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers her breasts. Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks away and steps from the door to fetch the room-service cart. Athena directs the others to put on their shirts. Ted wheels in the cart. TED Here's the things you asked for. Oh, and uhh, sorry, but I'm not gonna pick the eyes outta this dead fish. He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes into the Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window. She smirks at him comtemptuously. ATHENA (handing Ted 50 bucks) Okay, mister, here's your fifty-dollar tip, only, you have to do one more thing... make our little Eva smile. Can you? We'll leave you alone. (to Eva, firmly) And don't use your mouth! The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her watch, then holds up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The door closes on her and Ted. She looks at Ted and sighs. He covers her with a shawl. IN THE HALLWAY The other witches listen at the door. ELSPETH If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm going to take him myself. JEZEBEL Ha! That'll be a first for you. ELSPETH Oh shit -- Kiva! She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already sneaking out the bedroom door. ELSPETH And just where do you think you're going? KIVA Well, gawd -- I need a candy bar or something -- you haven't fed me all day. I'm getting all shaky. My blood sugar's really low. JEZEBEL Elspeth -- honestly now -- some babysitter you're turnin' out ta be! ATHENA Enough, girls. I will collect fresh earth. Jezebel, I want you to gather damp moss. Raven, you bring me a birch branch. Elspeth, you go feed your terrible girlfriend. We meet back here in one hour and let's all have faith that Eva can get this guy off. The witches disperse. INT. HONEYMOON SUITE--NIGHT Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in front of her. Ted is trying his best to make poor Eva smile. But no matter what his antics, she looks off sadly. TED Help me out, lady. I gotta earn this fifty bucks! EVA Oh look, they don't care if I smile or not! All they want is... Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand. EVA You won't understand, believe me. She begins to cry tearfully again. TED Try me. I've been around, y'know. He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him helplessly. And he paternally encourages her to explain. EVA Well... okay. The five of us -- Elspeth, Jezebel, Athena, Raven and me -- are a coven. TED Ha, like a coven of witches? EVA Yes. TED (stunned) Oh. He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography, jars of lurid substances, unknown body parts of animals woven into the nature sculpture... and are those tongues in that can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again puffs himself up. TED I knew that! EVA (getting calmer) And you see, our coven has spent forty years trying to perfect a ritual to undo a wicked curse put on our goddess Diana. TED Gee, you don't look a day over twenty! EVA Oh... ha ha... I mean the witches before us tried and failed. But Athena, our High Priestess, discovered a great potion to reverse the evil spell which turned our beautiful goddess into an old rock. TED (looking at the rock) Yeah? Is... is that her? Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone. EVA She was a beautiful virgin. An entertainer by trade, but a great sorceress by design. It was here in this very room, on her wedding night, a jealous rival placed the curse on Diana. TED She turned to -- that -- here? EVA Yes... and her young husband turned into a pink fish! They found him swimming in the pool in circles. While our dear goddess: a stone in her honeymoon bed. Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from the altar and hands it to Ted. EVA This was Diana. CLOSE ON photo: a Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page attire, a bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl in bondage with a spiked high heel. TED This girl here? This is the goddess Diana? The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the girl and unties her. She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap and makes the girl stand. The women face each other and break into a cheek-to-cheek tango. CLOSE ON Ted as he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing tricks on him? TED I hate to tell you this, but I kinda doubt she was a virgin. EVA Oh, but she was! She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage. Which is the example I've tried to follow: to do everything but that till I marry... She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her. TED Hey, don't cry... a virgin is a rare and beautiful thing. If you say she was a virgin, I'll believe it. EVA Well, it doesn't matter now... and she won't be resurrected tonight 'cause I failed her. I let my whole coven down! TED Wait a sec -- that rock was gonna turn back into this? He holds up the photo. Eva nods. TED Now, that would be something worth seeing! EVA Only, not now -- we were each supposed to bring something -- a life fluid. TED (wincing in disgust) If this is gonna be like one of those afterbirth conversations, I don't think I wanna hear this. EVA Only... I swallowed it... TED You swallowed what? Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened now. TED You mean, you were supposed to bring... like... like a guy's... and you...? She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless. EVA And now, you're my last chance! TED (laughing) Yeah, sure. (then -- panic) Whoa, what? You want my -- for the -- witchy poo -- ahh no -- no way -- nope. Besides, it's against hotel policy. I was warned: "No sex with the clientele"! Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her lovely breasts, and reaches her arms around his neck. He keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to him, he is already doing a ritualistic shuffle. TED Ha, c'mon now, joke's over. (seeing this is no joke) Hey, we're gonna step in the flea powder. EVA That's not flea powder, that's sacred dust ground from the horns of Albino goats. TED Right! I knew that! He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him, soft and sweet. Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on him, as he tries to resist her gaze. TED What's a nice girl like you doing in a coven, anyway? EVA Well, see, what I really want to do is be a midwife. I've attended four births already! I can prevent vaginal tears and everything. TED (trying to dodge her hexing eyes) Well, that's a good thing! A guy doesn't like surprises down there. All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle. EVA I joined the coven to attain greater understanding of my feminine power so I could become a truly great midwife! TED (the hex working now) Oh, well, I see you've been gaining a lot of insight into your... girl powers... Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast. EVA Do you really think so? TED (buckling under the temptation) Well, yeah, I'd say that seems to be the case... (she licks his neck; his eyes roll back heavenly) Ohhh, God! Betty's gonna kill me! EVA Who's Betty -- your girlfriend? TED No. My boss. EVA Oh good! TED Oh no! They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She moves him toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HALLWAY--NIGHT Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up. Lights a cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva runs to the door dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her shawl. She passes him a card. EVA My phone number in Topanga. Call me? TED (cocky) Sure, baby. Yeah, I'll give ya a call. She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving with supplies from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her blood sugar, sucks on a lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to Raven, who carries a birch limb. KIVA What's that used for? RAVEN It's a birch branch, symbolizing eternal life. You can also use the bark for a tea which assists in astral travel. KIVA Hey -- I wanna be a witch! The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly. Ted blows smoke at them and pushes his cart off down the hall. The witches run inside the room. IN THE SUITE Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles. EVA I'm a woman now! ATHENA But where is his "stuff"? EVA (pointing to the Jacuzzi) We did it right there, in the big cauldron! JEZEBEL Ooohhh honey, you're gonna be sore tomorra! Didn't your mama teach you that water strips a girl's lubrication? RAVEN Sex in water is great in the movies, not in real life... but you will learn. As we all did. JEZEBEL Yeah, when she can't walk... (to Elspeth) I guess you wouldn't have those kinds of problems -- without penetration. ELSPETH No. And virtually no cervical cancer, either. ATHENA Okay, girls, enough Sex Education 101, let's get going with our ritual, goddammit. Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts again. Kiva throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we see black bondage tape on her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick look at the tape, looks at the other witches -- not sure she likes this -- but she goes with it. The witches sway in a circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering. EVA Goddess Diana, I offer you The jism of one I wooed for you That you may live and know such bliss Of getting laid by a guy like this. The witches all incant. ALL OF THE WITCHES So must it be. Three times three times three. They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. The Jacuzzi begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; the potion bubbles over. DISSOLVE TO: HOURS LATER Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of Shadows, full of potions and spells. Four discouraged witches pack their bags. The room has been restored to its worldly under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV... so much for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab. ATHENA I don't understand what went wrong. ELSPETH I say Eva pulled one over on us. EVA What? JEZEBEL Honey -- Eva was wearing the face of someone just fucked good... and the best actress in this world, or any other, can't fake a thing like that! ELSPETH Exactly -- if she was fucked so good, how could she save his come? RAVEN It could be done... ATHENA Girls, knock it off. (she looks up from the book) Maybe... maybe it needed to be the sperm of a virgin male. EVA (dreamily) He was no virgin! The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in thought, strokes the slab. ATHENA Let's leave her here, with the sword, until dawn. I will come back for her before checkout time. I just... feel too sad to carry her away before the sun comes up to warm her. They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out. JEZEBEL (cuddling her cat) I can't believe we have to carry our own bags out! My mama would have a hissy fit! KIVA (flirtatiously) I'll carry your bags. ELSPETH (firmly) You're carrying my bags! They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as she hoists her luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought perhaps a little sore -- "ouch," she says, and smiles. Athena takes one last look at their goddess slab. ATHENA Next year, we try again -- with virgin sperm. She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New Year's Eve!). FADE TO BLACK. FOUR ROOMS FADE UP ON: INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side. TED Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do you want milk and cookies, or do you not? (pause) I can't turn on an adult station without permission from your parents. (pause, he checks his computer) That's not what the machine tells me. (pause) You be good and you'll get milk and cookies, but for now leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to sleep. He hangs up. TED (to himself) Goddamn kids. SUPER: 1:00 a.m. The phone rings again. TED Room Service. INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in on the line. Music BLARES. People dance in background. YUPPIE SCUM What room am I in? INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT BACK AND FORTH TED This is the front desk, sir. The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real Theodore. YUPPIE SCUM What room are we in? REAL THEODORE How should I know? I just got here. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) You know, don't you have one of those light things? TED If you care to go to the door and look on the other side, you'll find the room number. YUPPIE SCUM (to Real Theodore) Call my assistant and ask her what floor we're on. REAL THEODORE Who's your assistant? YUPPIE SCUM The girl you party with every night. REAL THEODORE (to himself) Who? TED I'm here alone, sir. REAL THEODORE It's room 404, I think. YUPPIE SCUM I could have sworn we were on the fifth floor. REAL THEODORE Right. 404. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) Right. 404. TED What do you need, sir? YUPPIE SCUM (to Real Theodore) What do we need? REAL THEODORE Ice. YUPPIE SCUM Ice? REAL THEODORE Ice. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) Ice. TED Ice. YUPPIE SCUM Yeah. Ice. TED Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with you momentarily. CUT TO: STORY TITLE CARD: ROOM 404 "THE WRONG MAN" INT. DARK HALLWAY Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner of his mouth and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He pulls up at a door on which the faded numbers read something like "Room 404." Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown and the door swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark room. INT. ROOM TED Anybody home? A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness. MAN'S VOICE No one here but us chickens. TED Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir. MAN'S VOICE What do you expect, Theodore, a fuckin' floor show? TED Do I know you? MAN'S VOICE I don't know. Do you? In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring down the barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, cocked and ready to fire. At the other end of the gun stands a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face. Sigfried isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits a beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. Ted drops the bucket to the floor. TED I brought your ice. SIGFRIED That's cute. In fact, the whole getup's kind of cute. The monkey suit's a nice touch, honey puss. TED This has to be a mistake. Is this room 404? SIGFRIED Theodore? What do you take me for, Theodore? TED A very upset man? Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of assorted stimulants into his mouth, chewing on them like they were breath mints. Sigfried thrusts his hand forward, gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to Angela. SIGFRIED (to Angela) I am an upset man, Theodore. TED How do you know my name, sir? SIGFRIED I'm psychic, Theodore. TED Look my name is Ted, actually, and I have no idea what's going on here, but I've obviously come at a bad time. SIGFRIED Let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing, Theodore. The fact is you're here. Sigfried turns to Angela. SIGFRIED (continuing) And I couldn't think of a better time for you to introduce me to your beau than on New Year's Eve. TED Oh fuck, there's a mistake. You're fucking wrong here. My name is Theodore, yes! My mother named me that and I hate the name. But I'm a fucking bellhop. People call me Ted. I work here. Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his pistol smack into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. Ted looks up at Sigfried in shock. SIGFRIED Look, I'd love to sit here all night with you talking about things like when you broke in your first mitt -- (pause) That was insensitive of me, wasn't it, T H E O D O R E? But let's cut to the chase, okay? TED Okay. SIGFRIED So apologize! A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who can't figure out what the fuck this guy wants. TED For what? Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back. SIGFRIED You are really beginning to annoy me, Theodore. Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth. TED Look, obviously you two are working something out and if I could help you with your problem I would. SIGFRIED What are you saying? Are you saying I got a problem? Are you trying to say I don't give her what she needs? That I'm FUCKING INSENSITIVE!! TED Look, is this about another man? Or something? Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings drastically; he bends down next to Ted. SIGFRIED Let's get our ABC's right, here, Theodore. Theodore, right? TED Ted's better. SIGFRIED Ted, okay... Are you saying my wife cheats on me? TED I didn't say that... I... SIGFRIED Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore, this is about as intimate a situation as you can get, you, me, and Angela here. It's pretty cozy. To say nothing of how stupid an idea it is to lie to a man with a loaded gun without considering the possible response. I demand an apology! The phone rings. SIGFRIED Don't move. I've got to take this. Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone. SIGFRIED (into phone) What? (pause) We ain't got any needles here, kid. Just a big fucking gun. He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up. SIGFRIED (to Ted) Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember. Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position. SIGFRIED I want you to pray for forgiveness, Theodore. Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the same. The gun lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move, but thinks better of it. Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a look to Ted, signaling him to assume the pose. SIGFRIED (continuing) Now say after me, "I apologize..." TED I apologize... SIGFRIED For what? Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with intense, wide-open eyes. SIGFRIED For fucking what? TED That I said you might have been unfaithful? SIGFRIED "That I said you might have been unfaithful?" Listen, Theodore, you're in church here... you're kneeling in front of an altar. Truth... truth is all it hears. Say the following, "I, Theodore, must humbly and sincerely apologize for saying that you fucked another man!" Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have a calming effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor, turning his face to Angela. SIGFRIED (continuing) Satisfied? Angela nods. SIGFRIED (continuing) Do you accept the fucking apology? Naturally, Angela says nothing. SIGFRIED (continuing) You always gotta get the last word, don't you? It's one way with you, Angela, isn't it? I give and I give and I get nothing back. Sigfried turns to Ted. SIGFRIED (continuing) She just sits there waiting for me to jump through hoops... Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with bated breath for a response. Sigfried's had enough. SIGFRIED (continuing) Stupid me, for a second I thought you were going to say something... something like, "I'm sorry." HA! "I'm sorry." You're absolutely right, love cakes, I wouldn't want it that way. That's one thing you can say about Angela. She'll never do anything she doesn't want to do. If the feeling ain't there, she just isn't going to do it. There is nothing in this world as fucked as a woman who gives when she doesn't want to. Never let that happen to you, Theodore. It makes you feel very little indeed. Ted beckons Sigfried. TED You mind if I...? SIGFRIED Go ahead. Spit it out. TED I don't mean to upset you further, sir, but I think she was trying to say yes. SIGFRIED Are you condescending to me, Theodore? TED Absolutely not, I would never do that. SIGFRIED Why don't you just say it? TED Say what? SIGFRIED That you think I'm an idiot. TED I would never say that. SIGFRIED You think you're superior to me, don't ya, Theodore? You don't think I notice there is a gag in the woman's mouth. TED Of course you do. SIGFRIED Naturally "of course." And do you know how I know that? TED How, sir? SIGFRIED Because I PUT THE GAG IN HER MOUTH! I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about communication, Theodore. It's all in the eyes... (points the gun at Ted) Him? (turns the gun on himself) Or me? Him or me? No one? Okay. Let's drag it out. Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving the empty bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing into the bathroom. INT. ROOM Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela implores Ted to lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation: His chances of making it to the door are slim due to the fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom door. Ted paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to get his attention. He whips around and they face off in what appears to be a game of charades. Ted finally gets the point and cautiously removes the gag from Angela's mouth. Angela spits an old sock out. TED What! ANGELA We don't have time to play charades here, asshole! Untie me quick. TED Listen, lady, I don't know what in the hell is going on here, but I'd appreciate it if you would explain to that nutcase that he's making a big mistake. ANGELA Look, whether you like it or not, you're in the middle of a situation here you can't just wish your way out of. TED But I've never seen you people before, we're complete strangers. ANGELA Everyone starts out strangers, Ted, it's where we end up that counts. Hurry up. Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or not. TED I don't know if I can do this. It's too hard. ANGELA Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped to consider how many times you change your underwear in a lifetime? On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations. ANGELA I don't mean literally, you ignoramus. TED What? ANGELA Forget it, listen to me. There's a gun in my suitcase behind the bed, it's loaded... TED I'm not going to shoot anybody. ANGELA Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot "anybody." TED And make me an accessory in the murder of your husband? Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela. TED That's not fair. It just isn't fair. ANGELA Get a fucking grip on yourself. First off, who says he's my husband? And second, we are a long way from fair here, fair is back in jolly old England eatin' crumpets and sipping on tea. Ted collects himself. TED Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well, maybe there are two sides to this thing. ANGELA There are two sides to a plate, still you only eat off of one. Now GET THE GUN! TED So why's he got you tied up? ANGELA I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun! Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm. ANGELA Come on, Ted. Come over here just for a minute. You can do it. Come on, Ted. You look like a good guy. Ted creeps towards her. ANGELA That's it, Teddy. You look so much more attractive when you're self- assured. Sigfried suddenly comes to life... He's heard from the bathroom belting out "Life is but a dream... she-boom, she- boom." ANGELA (she panics) Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag back in, and remember the gun! Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth. TED Nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two times, to the best of my estimation. INT. ROOM Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips around to discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to the bathroom. SIGFRIED I was just beginning to think I could trust you, Theodore. Silly me. Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips. TED I was just trying to help her breathe a little. SIGFRIED Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You don't mind me calling you Teddy, do you? TED That's fine. SIGFRIED I used to have a little bunny rabbit named Teddy, it looked real cute nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem here is you're no bunny rabbit, Theodore, and it really fuckin' razzes me to picture you doin' it. But don't let me stop you, Teddy... no need to play sneaky-poo. Ted starts to back toward the door. TED Look, man, if this is some kind of Voodoo thing and you want me to have sex with your wife, there is absolutely no way. SIGFRIED (shouts at the top of his lungs) I said, nibble, asshole! Now! The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND of a trigger being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. Angela is a stunning beauty, and Ted being kind of a shy guy makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans forward. As he closes in, Angela's eyes close. TED (whispers) Sorry, lady. Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela. SIGFRIED What's the matter, no whiz left in the cheese? I'm not cramping your style, am I? TED Look, I'm not playing this game anymore. Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him. SIGFRIED It's almost all over, Theodore, and soon you can go home to Mommy. Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear hug and blasts out the following monologue. TED My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED, T... E... D... TED... NOT TEDDY, NOT THEODORE... TED... Yes, my mother did me the service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it's like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow fucking tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me now, because no one is going to call me that again. My name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED! Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. He takes a step toward Ted and offers him his hand. SIGFRIED Sigfried. TED What? SIGFRIED My name is Sigfried. TED Sigfried? Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted. SIGFRIED Yah, Sigfried. TED Nice to meet you, Sigfried. Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand. SIGFRIED Very impressive, Ted. "Theo the Thumper?"... Ouch. It's a deal, kid. Ted it will be. TED Thanks. Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant fireworks pops in the background. Car horns and a muffled countdown signal that it's New Year's. Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of nowhere bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's mouth. Something snaps in Sigfried. He is either really getting off on this or he is caught in the grips of a seizure. He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as he flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all over the place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve while trying to dodge the barrel of the gun. TED You okay, mister? I'll get help! Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at Ted. He signals for Ted to go to the bathroom. TED (continuing) That's the wrong door, sir. Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the gun into his crotch. Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his. SIGFRIED Get me the nitro... it's in the bathroom cabinet. Now! Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling mess behind. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM--SAME TIME Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an earthquake. Towels and wet clothes are all over the place. An evening gown is flushed halfway down the toilet and pills are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other room to hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked "Nitro." No luck. Ted spots a small window set above the toilet. He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break. Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm through the window before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in the bathroom. Struggle as he may, he can only hit the toilet- bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out through the apartment. SIGFRIED (O.S.) (shouting in the distance) It's no time to take a leak, Teddy, I'm fucking dying here! EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW--NIGHT Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe. It's a strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water in paradise, knowing a huge shark is ready to rip his ass off. He can see the flickering red glowing light from the witches' room from the floor below. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW--NIGHT Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her name out, to no avail. The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for help. The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang there for a moment. He wonders how many other people have found themselves in situations like this before him. Probably everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a bloody hand print. It's not his blood. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE--NIGHT Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around, spotting a young man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag on the phone) leaning out of the window directly above him. After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted gathers himself. TED Hi... No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is drained from his face and he is mumbling something. TED Listen, I'm stuck here in a situation that I can't even begin to explain, but would you be so kind as to get help? Could you call the police, please? Silence. TED (continuing) You okay? The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before hurling a mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's strength to dodge the puke and pull himself back into the bathroom. He falls back on the floor. He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices something odd... the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks into the bedroom. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL BEDROOM--MOMENTS LATER Ted looks around the still room. No one's there. TED Sigfried? He heads toward the door and, from out of the corner of his eye, he spots Sigfried's hairy leg. Sigfried has passed out on the floor. Angela's chair has been knocked on its side. Ted races over to help lift her back up. He pulls the gag from her mouth. Angela jumps all over him. ANGELA Where's the fucking nitro? TED I couldn't find it! ANGELA You took long enough. Untie me, for Christ's sake, you fucking upset him and he's dying. Ted struggles to untie Angela. TED I thought you wanted to kill him. ANGELA You'd make a great cop, Theodore. The knots are all over the place and a real bitch to untie. TED I can't handle this alone, I'd better get help. Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into Sigfried, who's been taking in the whole conversation. SIGFRIED I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted? TED Thank God you're okay... SIGFRIED Never felt better. Angela hears Sigfried's voice from behind her back. ANGELA You bastard! SIGFRIED (to Angela) Come on, honey, don't get mad. It was just a little test, and I'm glad I did it because now I'll know forever that you really do love me. Truly and deeply. ANGELA If the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find ourselves as we are at this very fucking moment. SIGFRIED Oh, no. I heard you and there was genuine care in that voice. Can't be denied. Can it, Ted? TED I think you're right and, if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going, you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding. Ted edges his way toward the door. TED (continuing) You'd be surprised what happens when people just listen to each other without succumbing to all that pain and anger. ANGELA You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you fuck another man's wife. You should at least have the guts to stand by your convictions. Sigfried turns an icy eye on Ted, who has given up all hope of ever getting out of the room. TED That's a lie, Sigfried. I swear to God. Angela continues her tirade. ANGELA When I think of all the times you were inside me promising me a better life, it makes me want to puke. Sigfried slowly raises his gun, pointing it directly at Ted's chest. TED Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you people? ANGELA What didn't you do, stick man? Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock. The words hit Sigfried like bullets to the chest... his legs weaken. SIGFRIED (whimpering) He's got a huge cock? TED She's lying again, mister. It's not that big. SIGFRIED Show it to me. TED Come on, man, she's lying. Can't you see she's fucking with you? ANGELA Put it this way, God made up for what he did to Gumby with Ted here. SIGFRIED Show it to me. ANGELA Show him your cock, Theodore. Sigfried runs over to Angela and kneels in front of her. SIGFRIED Stop talking about his cock, will you?! ANGELA It's hard to stop talking about something so huge. I could go on and on about his cock, bone, nob, bishop, wang, thang, hotrod. Hump mobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami. Sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink, tool, Big Ben, Mister Happy, prick, disk, pecker, peter, pee-pee, wee-wee, weiner, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, middle-leg, third- leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick. Angela is on a roll. She fires the words at Sigfried, hitting him pointblank. He staggers. He pleads with her to stop, covering his ears. Ted watches the man crumble. ANGELA (continuing) Junior, the little head, little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll. Snake, one-eyed monster, one-eyed wonder, shaft, sword, meat whistle, skin flute, love muscle, Roto-Rooter, instrument, banger, rammer, ramrod, cherrypicker, log, pole. Sigfried tries jamming the sock back in her mouth to stop the flow; she manages to give him a "fuck of a bite" in the process. Meanwhile, Ted figures this to be his moment to make a move and bolts for the door, only to be tackled by Sigfried at the one-yard line. After a struggle, the two men rest on the floor, catching their breath in a relaxed embrace. SIGFRIED Please, don't leave me. I'll call you Ted from now on. TED It's not me, mister, I swear. SIGFRIED Personally, I don't give a fuck, Ted, it's just I don't want to be alone right now. I'm feeling a little vulnerable. Sigfried heaves the gun over his shoulder, grabs a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's, and passes it to Ted, who takes a hit. SIGFRIED (continuing) No guns, okay? Just you and me, Ted. You know my father used to say that forgiveness is the only thing that evil can't sink its teeth into. TED That's beautiful. SIGFRIED Kind of nice down here on the floor, isn't it, Ted? TED Yes, actually. SIGFRIED Things take on a whole new perspective... You'd like my trust, wouldn't you, Ted? TED Yes I would. SIGFRIED I just got one thing to ask you and I'll let you go. TED Okay. Okay. SIGFRIED Tell me straight now. TED What? SIGFRIED What was it like? TED What was what like? SIGFRIED You know, you and her. TED Oh, for fuck sake, Sigfried, what do you want me to say? SIGFRIED Either way you're fucked, right? You ever gonna see her again, Theodore? TED If I ever saw her again, I'd run the other way. SIGFRIED Promise? TED I promise. Sigfried releases Ted and stands up. SIGFRIED You're lying, but I can respect that, Ted. If you told me, it would no longer be a secret, and secrets have a power, kid. You open that box and they disappear forever. A bad secret will rip you apart, but the good one are all you got. In the end, when all the people you knew are dead and gone, all you'll have left are you secrets. And when you die, the box is open and it all blows away -- dust to dust -- all the anger, jealousy, desire and love just blow away. Sigfried throws his hand out to help Ted up. SIGFRIED (continuing) So you know what I say, let's call it a truce, kiddo. Sigfried takes Ted by the hand and leads him to an open window. Ted is overcome by the sweetness in Sigfried's voice and follows him to the window willingly. The two men look out into the dark Los Angeles night. SIGFRIED (continuing) I'm a man of love, Theodore. Love is all I live for. TED I can see that. SIGFRIED Maybe to a fault. TED Don't beat yourself up over it. SIGFRIED That's nice of you to say, Ted, but I probably should make a clean break of it, cut her loose and get my own place. I just can't imagine living without her. Do you think I should seek professional help? TED It's not for everyone, but maybe in your case it could help. SIGFRIED You ever been out on the ocean at night? Ted shakes his head. SIGFRIED (continuing) I have... scary as a motherfucker, all that darkness around you. It's like a big black carpet rolled out as far as the eye can see. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll see a light. It could be as small as a little spark, but it will cut a path straight through all that blackness, straight to you. It could be another boat, or some distant fire on an island, but that light will shed a shining path of diamonds cutting through mile after mile of darkness to lie at your feet. That's love, Ted, it's like a path of light in an ocean of darkness. Ted and Sigfried stare out of the window in peace, transfixed by the glimmering lights of the city. A loud SHOT rings out, shattering the still moment. The two men spin around. Angela stands there with a smoking gun hanging at her side. Sigfried drops to his knees. Ted checks him out, no blood. Angela has fired the gun into the floor below. Ted looks up at Angela. Angela opens the chamber of the pistol and hands the bullets to Ted. ANGELA (to Ted) You'd better go check to see if I killed anybody downstairs. Sigfried is bent over, silently weeping on the floor. TED You people gonna be okay? Angela sits next to Sigfried and gently strokes his back. ANGELA We're fine, Ted. Ted points to a tray with half-eaten food on it. TED Would you like me to...? ANGELA Another time, Ted. Ted slowly walks toward the door and takes one last look at the strange couple at rest in the corner of the room before closing the door behind him. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY--MOMENTS LATER Ted walks down the hallway, lost in thought. An energetic Young Guy with a bouquet of flowers plows into him. YOUNG GUY Happy New Year, buddy. TED Happy New Year. YOUNG GUY I was just in room 404, what a party! You know where room 409 is at? TED Beats me. It's somewhere around here. The guy takes off in the direction Ted's walking from. Ted suddenly realizes who this guy is and whips around, shouting to the Young Guy. TED (continuing) Hey, what's your name? The door SLAMS on room 409. FADE OUT FADE TO BLACK STORY TITLE CARD: ROOM 716 "THE MISBEHAVERS" FADE UP THE FRONT DESK SUPER: 10:30 p.m. Ted is relaxing at the front desk. He breathes slowly. He finally has one moment's peace after an already long night. He even has a chance to straighten his tie. The phone RINGS. TED Front desk. CUT TO: ROOM 716 CLOSE-UP of a cigarette hanging out of a Man's mouth as he speaks into the telephone. MAN Bottle of Moet et Chandon. Fast. Man hangs up the phone and stubs out his cigarette into an already overstuffed ashtray by the bed. Man turns around to face the camera. He is a dark and handsome Latin male in his mid-30s. Dangerous. Impatient. He walks toward the camera as he continues straightening his tie. He stops at the door of the bathroom and watches his Wife and two kids get ready for the party. Wife seems to be a beautiful woman in her mid-30s. The children are Sarah, nine, and Juancho, six. Man strikes up another cigarette and finishes his tie. He watches his Wife comb Juancho's hair down and to the side like an idiot. Not being able to stand it anymore, Man tears Juancho away from his Wife and snatches the comb. MAN Give me that... Man begins to slick Juancho's hair back. MAN There... see? You look cool with your hair up like this. Like me... Juancho is smiling now. He's happy he's going to look like his dad. MAN Not down and to the side, all stupid like your mom likes to comb it. Juancho looks over at Sarah, who is going through the tortuous ritual of having her mother brush the tangles out of her long, unmanageable hair. Wife seems to be taking out her aggressions on the tangled mess. Man is starting to have problems of his own with Juancho's hair. Juancho's hair is thinner than Man's, so it won't stay up. Man puts down his cigarette in order to get a better handle on it. We see the frustration growing in his face. Juancho picks up the cigarette and pretends he's smoking too, just like his dad. Man tears the cigarette away from Juancho and smokes it down to the filter. He looks at his own cool hair, and then down at Juancho's, which won't stay up. Man flicks the cigarette butt into the toilet in frustration. MAN You've got your mother's hair. In anger, Man starts messing up Juancho's hair. MAN I can't do anything with it. Furious, Man simply swipes Juancho's hair back down and to the side, the way Wife had it before. Juancho looks like an idiot again. MAN There. Go. Juancho slouches past everyone as he exits the bathroom. Sarah watches him leave as her own hair is finished. WIFE (putting a plastic clip in Sarah's hair) There. Go. Sarah exits. Wife then finishes her own gorgeous hair. Man lights up a new cigarette. WIFE (mocking) So, are we gonna have fun tonight? Man blows smoke in Wife's face as he walks out of the bathroom. WIFE I didn't think so. Sarah has joined Juancho in watching television. Man watches the children watch TV. We can see the wheels turning in Man's head. He turns back to the bathroom. He watches Wife now. Wheels turning. Practically burning rubber. MAN Hey. Wife puts the lipstick down and turns to her husband. She is beautiful. MAN (shrugs) Let's just leave the kids here. Wife glances out at the children, eyes glued to the tube. WIFE Here in the room? By themselves? MAN No... with the television. Wife thinks about it for a second. She shrugs a "sure." MAN You want to have fun tonight, don't you? WIFE Yes. MAN They'll be fine. He kisses Wife's face and exits the bathroom. She covers the wet spot with more cake makeup. MAN Hey. The children turn to face him. MAN You guys are going to stay here and watch TV. The children look at each other. MAN I want you to be in bed asleep before twelve. Your mother and I will be back later on. Wife goes straight for the door. MAN Okay? He blows one kiss. One for both of them. As Man and his Wife walk out the door, Man turns back to the children... MAN Don't misbehave. He closes the door. Sarah stands in the middle of the room. She's looking at the door Man and Wife just disappeared through. Stunned. Her dress looks frilly and beautifully uncomfortable. She touches the edges of the fabric. SARAH Why did we have to get all dressed up if we weren't going with them? CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY Man and Wife are walking down the hall. Man stops in his tracks. Wife stops too and looks at Man. They wait. CUT TO: ROOM 716 Juancho shuts off the television. He drops the remote to the floor. His attention is on the fireworks outside. He leaps to the window and begins unlatching it. SARAH What are you doing? JUANCHO Escaping. Stinks in here, anyway. Man bursts through the door of the hotel room and stands in the doorway, glaring at the mischievous Juancho. Juancho bangs his head on the window trying to get back inside. He leaps to the floor and tries to turn on the TV with the remote. MAN (stern) What did I say? Juancho turns to Man as if he'd been sitting there watching television the whole time. MAN Behave. JUANCHO Yes, Papa. Ted appears at the door with Man's champagne. TED The champagne you ordered, sir. MAN No time for this. Leave it on ice. Ted proceeds to place the champagne in the room. WIFE But I want some now... Ted is torn. Man pushes him into the room. MAN There'll be plenty for you and the party, baby, you can bomb yourself all you want at the party. WIFE What a waste. Ted places the bucket near the bed. After setting up the bottle, he turns to leave, but now Man closes the door, trapping Ted inside with them. MAN (to Ted) Hey. Ted looks around, bewildered. Now what? Man is reaching into his coat pocket. MAN You want five hundred bucks? TED Sure! Man hesitates a moment, then pulls out his wallet. That was too easy. MAN How about three? TED Three hundred? MAN Yeah. TED Three's good. MAN My children are staying here tonight watching TV. I want you to check up on them every thirty minutes. TED Check up on 'em? MAN Make sure they're all right, make sure they're fed, make sure they go to bed. TED We can call out and hire a babysitter. MAN I don't trust babysitters. My children are safer alone than with some fucked- up pedophile babysitter I don't know from the man in the fucking moon. WIFE What about him? What makes you think you can trust him? Man grabs Ted's face and tilts it torward Wife. MAN Tell me that's not a face you can trust. Man lets go of Ted's face. He feels his jaw. It's still there. TED Look, sir, I'd like to help you out, but I really can't. I'm all alone here tonight. Man whips out his wallet and counts out money in Ted's face. MAN One hundred... two hundred... three hundred... TED I thought you said five hundred. Man glares at Ted. MAN I said three hundred. Ted doesn't back down. TED No, you distinctly said five hundred. The angrier Man gets, the quieter he talks. MAN You calling me a liar? Ted, while not backing down, massages the situation. TED No, I'm not saying you're lying. I'm saying you accidentally forgot that what you first said was five hundred. Man has never been challenged like this by a fuckin' bellboy. MAN I don't do anything accidentally, jerk. I might've first said five hundred, but what I last said was three hundred, and what you say last is what counts. Ted not only doesn't back down, but psychologically pokes his finger in the scary Man's chest. TED Well then, if you say five hundred one last time, we got a deal. Man's eyes narrow. He physically pokes his finger in Ted's chest. MAN You fuckin' with me, Pendejo? Now Ted takes a step backwards. TED No, not at all. It's New Year's Eve and I'm here alone. If there was somebody else here, no problem, but I'm by myself. And looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need -- MAN You callin' my kids a pain in the ass? TED -- No, they're not a pain in the ass, it's the situation that's a pain in the ass. Man drops the tenseness. MAN No, you were right the first time. You win, tough guy, five hundred. Man respects Ted for not backing down, but not insulting him either. A skill Man never learned. Wife shoots a look at the children. WIFE (disgusted) You kids are getting expensive. Juancho turns back to the TV. Sarah stares down Wife. MAN (looking at name tag) What's your name? Ted? CLOSE-UP of name tag. TED Yeah. It's Ted. Man tears off Ted's name tag and throws it to children. MAN (to the children) His name is Ted. If you need anything, dial 0 and ask for Ted. Sarah catches the name tag and reads the name on it: "TED -- BELLHOP." Sarah looks up at Ted. She clips the pin to her dress and smiles shyly at him. Man puts the money in Ted's pocket and then grabs his ear, pulling him close. MAN (deadly whisper) If something happens to my children, I wouldn't want to be you. WIFE Make sure they're in bed before midnight. TED (thinking) Before midnight? Then should I wake them up for the countdown to the New Year? Wife looks disgusted. WIFE No... As Man and Wife exit, he turns to the kids and says: MAN Don't misbehave. Man closes the door. INT. HALLWAY Man and Wife book it down the hall before Ted can change his mind. ROOM 716 Ted is standing facing the door the Man and Wife just disappeared through. He turns around slowly to face the children. His eyes are wide. His face is quiet. Stern. The children are staring at him. TED Okay. These are the rules. Don't break the rules and I won't break your necks. The kids look at each other. TED (smiling) I always wanted to say that. Someone said that to me when I was a kid. Sarah laughs at his joke. TED Except they were joking. I'm not. Ted goes to the door. TED The rules are simple. Don't do anything you wouldn't do if your parents were here. If there's an emergency, call me on the phone, like your dad said. SARAH That's not what he said. Ted's surprised by a challenge this early in the game. SARAH He said to call if we need anything. TED Well, I've got a lot of work to do and I can't have you calling me every time you want a drink of water, so please limit your calls to emergencies only. SARAH We paid you five hundred dollars. We'll call you if we need anything. You don't want to upset my dad. TED Okay. Please. Try to call only when necessary. Watch TV, and if you're good, I'll bring up some milk and cookies. Bye. Ted leaves. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY Ted walks briskly down the hall, counting his money the whole way. CUT TO: INT. ROOM Juancho takes off his socks and shoes and throws them onto the floor. Sarah looks at the discarded shoes and socks. CLOSE ON the shoes and socks. Sarah looks over at Juancho's bare feet. Her nose twitches. SARAH Your feet stink. Juancho smells his feet. JUANCHO They don't stink. Sarah throws his shoes and socks behind her. They land on the bed. Juancho is flipping channels and finds an interesting show. JUANCHO Check it out. T & A. Sarah realizes he found a Nudie station. SARAH Change it. You're not supposed to watch this. JUANCHO We're supposed to watch TV. SARAH Not this kind of TV. Change it. Juancho rolls up in a ball, the remote tucked in some recess of his stomach. Sarah hits him, then goes to the phone. She punches 0, sits on the bed, and checks the name on the name tag pinned to her shirt. CUT TO: FRONT DESK Ted walks up to the front desk just as the phone rings. TED Front desk. INT. ROOM Sarah is taking off her white winter tights. SARAH Ted? Hi. It's me, Sarah. You're our sitter for tonight. TED Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? I said if you don't bother me, you'll get milk and cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not? SARAH I want you to turn off the Nudie station in our room. Ted checks the computer. TED (reading stats on room 716) I can't turn on an adult station without permission from your parents. SARAH No. (struggling with winter tights) Not turn it on, turn it off. It's already on. TED That's not what the machine tells me. SARAH Well, stop listening to the machine and listen to me. There's naked ladies dancing on my TV and I want 'em off. TED If you're good, you'll get milk and cookies, so leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to sleep. He hangs up. ROOM 716 Angry, Sarah slams down the phone. She has an unusually adult temper. We know where she gets it from. She looks up and sees that the nudies are still in full force. SARAH Change the channel, now! Juancho turns around. He has a face like someone just laid a fart in his nose. JUANCHO Man, you're the one with the stinky feet. Sarah smells her feet. Twice. SARAH They don't stink. JUANCHO Yeah, they do. SARAH Here, smell for yourself. She sticks her foot out for Juancho to smell. He's reluctant. Fearful. SARAH Go ahead. He slowly, very slowly... climbs onto the bed and lowers his head to her foot. Very slowly. Sarah waits until he's close enough to her foot before she kicks him in the face, sending him somersaulting off the bed and crashing to the floor. She grabs the remote control he left behind and changes the channel to a cartoon. Juancho gets up and realizes his defeat. He decides to wander about. Looking for something to do... Sarah tries to ignore him as he stalks the room. It's only a matter of time before he finds mischief. Juancho sees the champagne bucket and Bingo!, he goes for the bottle. JUANCHO (holding up the bottle) Hey, get a bottle opener! Sarah opens her mouth, as if about to tell him to leave the champagne alone. She stops herself when she realizes she wants some champagne too. She quickly scrambles about for a bottle opener while Juancho unwraps the bottle top. Sarah opens the dresser drawer with such force that a few hidden contents long forgotten in the back of the drawer slide forward. Some coins, a paperclip, and a hypodermic needle. She looks down at the needle that lays beside the Gideon Bible and casually picks the phone back up and punches 0. The phone rings. FRONT DESK Ted, bucket of ice in his hand, gets ready to go to room 404. As he crosses the desk, the phone rings. He looks at the board and see room 716's light blinking. He sighs in exasperation. INT. ROOM Sarah sees Juancho shaking the champagne bottle violently. SARAH Don't shake it! (into phone) Ted? Hi. It's me. Sarah. TED Yeah. Who died? No one? Then don't call me. SARAH I thought I'd tell you that your cleaning ladies are doing a bum job. There's all kinds of leftover stuff around here. Sarah picks up the needle and rolls it over in her hand several times. SARAH Needles and things. We're not supposed to have needles here, are we? I mean, they don't come with the room, do they? Send someone up here to clean this place up right. The champagne bottle explodes all over Juancho. He looks surprised. SARAH (to Juancho) I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHAKE IT! (to Ted) I gotta go. My brother just exploded the champagne all over the room. Oh, and bring us a couple of toothbrushes. There's a card in the bathroom that says you'll bring free toothbrushes if we ask for them. She hangs up. A frustrated Ted hangs up the phone. He walks briskly to the elevator. Sarah and Juancho are pouring themselves champagne. They turn up the television and drink. Juancho shudders at the taste, but tries to drink as much as Sarah. Sarah clearly doesn't like it, but tries to pretend she does. Sarah picks up an instruction card near the phone to see how to make room-to-room calls. SARAH I'm calling another room, give me three numbers. JUANCHO 4-0-9. Sarah punches in the room number. The phone rings. She holds the needle up to the light to examine it. SARAH Hello? Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but... do you have any needles? We've got needles here and I was wondering if they come with the room or not. Don't have any? Thanks. Just checking. She hangs up. Juancho puts down his champagne glass and searches his father's coat pocket. He finds a pack of cigarettes and takes one out. He puts it in his mouth and pretends to smoke. Sarah checks out the hypodermic needle carefully. She has an idea. MONTAGE: In the bathroom, Sarah seeks out her mother's lipstick. ROOM 716 Sarah stands atop the chest of drawers and uses the lipstick to draw a bull's-eye on one of the hotel art paintings. She writes numbers next to each circle representing points. Juancho is standing at the foot of the bed, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, as he practices his dart-throwing technique. SARAH (pointing out the rules) The center is the bull's eye, 100 points, this one's 10 points, this one's 20 points. WHACK! The needle lands an inch from her face in the 20-point slot. SARAH Hey, wait a minute. Let me get out of the way! Sarah, a little tipsy now, grabs the needle and staggers to the bed. She hears the key in the doorway and throws the needle into the curtain to hide it. Ted enters the room, somewhat disheveled from his encounter with Sigfried. He has a tray and a new bottle of champagne. He puts the champagne bottle into the empty bucket. He spots the original bottle lying on the floor half empty and dripping into the carpet. TED I brought you some milk and cookies. If you want some you have to eat them now, because you're going to sleep. SARAH We're going to sleep now? TED Your parents said put you to bed before midnight. Well, it's before midnight. Maybe that way you'll leave me alone. SARAH Those aren't milk and cookies. TED We were out of cookies, so I brought you milk and Saltines. Don't complain! Now hurry up and eat. You're going to bed right now. Juancho bites into a Saltine. Sarah simply examines one. JUANCHO These are old. SARAH They're stale. TED (impatient) Dip 'em in the milk! The milk will make them soft. Sarah gives up and throws the cracker back onto the tray. She's a little drunk. Ted picks up the ruined champagne bottle. Juancho dips his crackers and eats them. He makes a face and drops a soggy cracker onto the tray. TED No crackers? Okay, fine. Sleepy time. Now, I don't want you guys wandering around, so if you need to go to the restroom, go now. They go to the bathroom. Ted sits on the bed. Waits. He sees the painting on the wall but can't figure out what's different about it. The red lipstick blends right into the aesthetic value of the painting. Ted smells something funny. He looks down and sees the socks on the bed. He grabs a fork from the tray and uses it to throw the socks across the room. The kids come back out. JUANCHO What about our pajamas? TED You wanna look nice in case there's an earthquake, don'tcha? The children nod. TED Okay. Then stay in those clothes. The kids lie on the bed. Sarah notices a jar of Mentholatum ointment on the dinner tray. SARAH What's that? TED Oh, this is just some Mentholatum ointment. Come on, under the covers. Close your eyes and I'll tell you a story. The children close their eyes. Ted opens the jar of the ointment and sniffs it. Strong stuff by the look on his face. TED Your dad says he doesn't trust babysitters. I don't blame him. You know what my babysitter did to me once? (confiding) I never told my parents, either. The children lie in the bed, eyes closed, listening intently. Ted dips his fingers in the jar of vaporous ointment. TED I hated going to sleep. You know, it's nighttime and you wanna run around and act crazy. So what my babysitter did to make sure I'd go to sleep and not be tempted to get up, was, she'd take some of this vapor rub stuff... Can you smell this? Eyes closed, the kids inhale. They smell the ointment and nod yes. TED Well, she'd just dab a little of this over each eyelid, so that I would be sure and keep my eyes closed all night. Ted is spreading the ointment over their eyelids as he says this. TED There. Now you've got some, too! Don't open your eyes or it'll burrrn, burn, burn. The smell helps clear your sinuses too, so it's doing double duty. JUANCHO What happens when it's morning? TED If you keep your eyes closed all night, it will wear off by morning. But DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES BEFORE THAT... SARAH Did you ever open your eyes? Extreme CLOSE-UP on Ted's eyes. TED Yes... I did. The children are quiet. TED And now look at me. CHILDREN (in unison) We can't. TED Good. You'll do just fine. Sleep well and I won't tell your parents about the champagne. Ted leaves. CUT TO: AFTER A MOMENT OF DARKNESS After a moment of darkness, the night is disturbed by the loud crashing of fireworks outside the window. Sarah sits up, eyes closed. Her face feels the warmth coming from the window and she tilts her head toward it. The light of the fireworks dances its reflections off her face. She inhales deeply... then makes a sour face. She goes for the bathroom, arms outstretched like a blind girl. She gets to the bathroom, turns on the light, and searches for the sink. She begins to wash the ointment off her eyes very carefully. She dries her eyes thoroughly and opens them... checks them in the mirror. A little red, but otherwise fine. She goes back into the bedroom, turns on the television and grabs the new champagne bottle. She shakes it violently. Juancho wakes. He turns his head to her. His eyes are still closed. JUANCHO Are you watching TV? The champagne bottle explodes. She pours herself a glass. SARAH Yep. If you wanna watch too, you have to go wash your face. Juancho gets up smiling and tries to run to the bathroom. He slams into the wall, hard. SARAH Be careful... Juancho walks into the bathroom a little slower, more cautious. Sarah pours herself another glass. She downs the glass and shudders. She smells the bad smell again. Only now she really smells it. She smells her feet. Nothing. She smells the champagne. Nothing. Juancho enters the room and sits on the bed. Sarah grabs his foot and smells it. She drops his foot. Juancho stares blankly at her. Sarah looks down at the mattress. She smells the mattress. Juancho looks at her as if she's drunk. Sarah leaps off the bed and turns on the room lights. She takes a huge swig from the champagne bottle, then stalks toward the mattress. Juancho leaps off the bed as well and stands back. Sarah pulls the mattress off of the bedsprings enough to see what is underneath it. Juancho screams. Sarah is too stunned to scream. Stuffed into the bedsprings is a woman's dead and beaten corpse. CUT TO: CLOSE ON Ted's phone ringing. Ted looks at the phone as if pondering whether or not to answer it. He taps his fingers. Finally he answers the phone. ROOM 716 SARAH Ted! TED What do you want now, for Christ's sake! Who died? SARAH (near tears) I don't know, but she's in my bed! TED What? SARAH There's a dead body in my bed! TED That's just your brother. Sound asleep. SARAH No, there's a woman's dead body inside the bed, in the mattress. TED You saw the body? SARAH Yes! TED Impossible. You've got ointment on your eyes! You can't see shit! Now go to sleep! Ted hangs up the phone. Sarah redials. Ted answers. TED Godammit, go to sleep! SARAH (crying now) I washed it off... TED You washed off the ointment? SARAH (pissed, drunk) Yeah, didn't you ever think to do that? Ted is quiet on the line. Thinking. Juancho lights up a cigarette for real and takes nervous puffs. Sarah carries the phone over to Juancho and snatches the cigarette away from him. She stuffs it in her own mouth and nervously takes a long drag on it. SARAH (through cigarette) You never tried it, did you? Then you agree I'm smarter than you... TED All right. Now you listen to me... SARAH Get your ass up here and call the police, because there's a dead body in my bed and it smells like shit and it looks even worse, and if you don't help us, my dad is gonna lay you down right next to her, I swear to fucking God! She drinks from her champagne bottle. She's pulling the mattress back over the corpse again. JUANCHO Go, sis. She's drunk all right. TED (incensed) I'm coming up and if there isn't a dead body by the time I get there, I'll make one myself. You! FRONT DESK Ted slams down the phone. As he walks away from the counter, he spots the children's parents driving up to the valet out front. TED Oh shit! Ted breaks into a sprint and dives into a closing elevator. CUT TO: ROOM 716 Sarah continues to cover the body with the mattress. ELEVATOR Close on Ted's face as the elevator car races up seven floors. LOBBY The Man is carrying his drunk Wife through the lobby. Not happy. ROOM 716 Ted bursts into the room. He sees the disarray. Ted pushes the champagne out of Sarah's hand, spilling it onto the floor. TED What the fuck is going on??!! He sees Juancho with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth and rips it away from him. The butt goes flying onto the carpet near the spreading champagne spill. TED Your parents are on their way up and I'm not taking responsibility for this mess! SARAH Check under the mattress! TED For what? SARAH (crying) For the body, can't you smell it? TED It's your feet! Sarah grabs the mattress and pulls it off herself. Ted sees the rotting corpse. Vomit spews out of Ted's mouth. TED (gurgles through vomit- spewing lips) Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck is this? He tears at the phone. TED (into the phone) Police, it's an emergency! (pause) Hello, Police, this is the Mon Signor Hotel, get someone up here right fucking now, there's a DEAD WHORE stuffed under the mattress! Tears well in Sarah's eyes as she looks at the body. SARAH Don't call her that... TED (into the phone) I'm dead fucking serious, there's a dead fucking Whore stuffed in the bedsprings of the fucking bed! SARAH Stop calling her that!! Sarah grabs the hypodermic needle from under the curtain and stabs it into Ted's leg. TED FUCK!! Sarah steps back, almost tripping over the champagne bottle. She picks up the bottle and holds it defensively in case Ted tries to retaliate. Ted spins around, now noticing the needle sticking out of his leg. TED Jesus!! Juancho lights up another cigarette. The champagne spill has spread to the fallen cigarette butt. The carpet bursts into flames around the spill. CUT OUTSIDE TO: EXT. ROOM CLOSE ON a key going into the keyhole outside. BACK TO: ROOM 716 Ted tries to pull the syringe out of his leg, but yanking it makes it break in two, the plunger in his hand, and the needle still stuck in his leg. Ted staggers and grabs hold of the dead woman's foot for support as he steps on the remote control, flipping the TV on to the Nudie channel, just as... Man opens the door. Man stands at the door, drunk Wife unconscious on one arm, the door knob in the other hand. He's looking mean. Man's POV: focused on the dead woman in the bedsprings. We pan up the dead woman's leg to find Ted holding her foot. We pan down Ted's leg to find the hypodermic needle jutting out... then pan over to the other hand holding the broken syringe plunger. We pan over to the Nudie channel, then down to the fire blazing behind the children. Pan up to the dripping champagne bottle in Sarah's hand, then over to the cigarette hanging out of Juancho's mouth. Juancho tosses his cigarette out of his mouth to an area behind him. Another blaze starts immediately. Man drops his Wife to the floor. In the WIDE SHOT of Ted and the children, we see that the fireworks are bursting big and bright outside the window behind them. Almost as bright as the flames eating through the room. Man simply glares at Ted. Finally Man speaks... MAN Did they misbehave? Ted stares blankly at Man (the camera) as the sprinklers burst on... drenching the room as the picture FADES TO BLACK FOUR ROOMS FADE UP ON INT. HOTEL LOBBY--NIGHT SUPER: ONE MINUTE AFTER ROBERT'S STORY. TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE DAWN. The elevator rides down to the lobby. The doors open and a wet, disheveled, and frantic Ted steps out. He staggers across the lobby to the reception desk. He grabs the phone. INT. BETTY'S APT--ALMOST DAWN The wild New Year's Eve party is winding down. Some Guests are passed out, some are asleep, some are making out, two guys are playing Nintendo, a Girl watches them. The phone RINGS. The Girl, who wears a "Guinness Stout" T-shirt, answers the phone. GUINNESS GIRL Happy New Year! BACK TO TED: BACK AND FORTH TED Let me speak to Betty. GUINNESS GIRL Party's over, she probably went home. TED She lives there. GUINNESS GIRL Oh, well, I haven't seen 'em in a while. TED Do you even know who I'm talking about? GUINNESS GIRL Yeah... yeah... yeah... I know 'em, I know Eddy. TED Betty, not Eddy. GUINNESS GIRL Yeah... yeah... I know Betty too... Tall... TED No, not particularly. She's got curly red hair. GUINNESS GIRL No, no, no, no, no, I know, I know. Japanese girl. TED She's not Japanese! I just said she had red hair. GUINNESS GIRL Yeah... yeah... yeah... I know her. TED Well, then get her on the phone, it's an emergency. GUINNESS GIRL Who -- who should I say's calling? TED Tell 'em Teddy from work's on the phone, and it's a major fuckin' emergency. GUINNESS GIRL Gotcha, Betty from work. TED Not Betty from work, I'm calling Betty! I'm Teddy. Just say Ted. GUINNESS GIRL Hi, Ted, I'm Margaret. You sound down. Has this not been the happiest of New Year's? TED (resigning himself to talking with Margaret) No Margaret, this hasn't been my best New Year. This year's starting off pretty badly. MARGARET Awww, how come? TED Well, Betty -- the chick whose house you're at, even though you don't know her -- leaves me here all by myself on New Year's Eve. And first thing right off the bat, I'm fucked by a coven of witches. MARGARET An oven full of witches fucked you? Is that like at the circus when they stick all those clowns in an itty- bitty car? TED A coven. A coven of witches. Well, one witch in particular. MARGARET Was she an old hag with a mole, with hair growing out of it? TED No-no-no, she was... quite beautiful. Margaret thinks for a moment. MARGARET Ted? TED Yes. MARGARET What's the problem? TED Well, admittedly, that was the best part of the night. It was pretty fuckin' cool, actually. But it was still an unnerving way to start off the night. MARGARET Sounds to me like a pretty great way to start off the night. TED Okay, let's just skip over the witches. MARGARET -- Skipping over the witches. TED So, later, in another room, some crazy sucking maniac sticks a gun in my face and forces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wife. MARGARET He made you have psycho sex with his wife? TED No, he didn't make me fuck his wife, he thought I'd fucked his wife! He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun! MARGARET What kinda gun? TED I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It was big. MARGARET Like Dirty Harry's gun. TED Yeah, something like that. MARGARET Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel? TED What difference does it make? MARGARET Well, for one thing it's the difference between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357. TED Who cares if it was a .44 or a .392, it was a fuckin' loaded gun, pointed at my fuckin' head! Margaret takes this in. MARGARET You wanna skip over this part, too? TED I want you to get Betty on the phone! MARGARET Hold on. (yelling to the room) Anybody live here named... (to Ted) What's her name again? TED Betty. MARGARET Betty! The sleepy room stirs. Betty wakes up from the floor. BETTY Yeah, whatcha screamin' about? MARGARET You're Betty? BETTY Yeah, I'm Betty, it's my fuckin' place, who the fuck are you? MARGARET I'm Margaret (hands her the phone) And this is Ted. Betty takes the phone. BETTY Ted, what's the problem? TED What's the problem? I don't got a problem, I got fuckin' problems! Wanna hear? BETTY (yawning, wiping sleep from her eyes) Sure. TED Well, most recently, there's room 716. There's a scary Mexican gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. There's the putrid rotting corpse of a dead whore stuffed in the springs of a bed. There're rooms blazing afire... There's a needle from God knows where stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what, and finally, there's me walking out the fuckin' door right now! Buenas noches. A RINGING SOUND happens that we haven't heard before. Ted's head turns toward it. It's the guest board. And the top light, the penthouse, is ringing. It rings where all the others buzzed. Betty can hear it distinctly on her side of the line. The sound fully wakes her up. They start talking Howard Hawks style again. BETTY (suddenly alert) Is that the penthouse? TED Yeah. BETTY That's the Chester Rush party, they want something. TED Yeah, well, tough titty. They're just gonna have to wait, 'cause I'm out the door. BETTY (panicking) Now, Ted, wait a minute. I know you're freaked, I know you're stressed. You've had a real bad night -- TED Yes, Betty, I've had-a-real-bad-night -- BETTY -- You say there's a dead body in a room? TED Yes, I did. BETTY No problem, this is a hotel, we've had dead bodies before, it's just the price of doing business. You said the hotel was on fire. Is it still on fire? TED No, it's out. BETTY Good, sprinkler system worked like a charm. Now, you wanna leave, you've had enough. Perfectly understandable. I'll take care of everything else. The only thing I ask is that you take care of Chester Rush. Then you can leave. TED Now, look -- BETTY Ted, he's a very important guest of this hotel. In fact, he is the most important guest at the hotel. The Mon Signor used to be a haven for movie stars. Through the thirties and forties, and the first half of the fifties, more movie stars -- if you break it down on a night-by-night basis -- stayed at the Mon Signor than any other hotel in Hollywood. Now, we had some hard time in the eighties, even though we were the official hotel of Cannon Pictures, but we're coming back strong in the nineties. And a movie star clientele is important to that comeback. If we can keep stars of his magnitude happy, we're on our way. So, Ted, just take care of him, then you can leave. TED Look, I don't feel like -- BETTY He probably just wants some champagne! You can do that, can't you? Please just take care of him, the entire staff of the Mon Signor is begging you! Ted crumbles. TED Okay. But get your ass here pronto. BETTY You're a good man, Ted. Thanks. Ted hangs up the phone. And picks up the board phone. TED Hello, Mr. Rush. Sorry for the delay. How can I help you? FADE TO BLACK STORY TITLE CARD: THE PENTHOUSE "THE MAN FROM HOLLYWOOD" EXT. HALLWAY TO PENTHOUSE--NIGHT The elevator door opens and Ted wheels out his tray into the hallway. There's been a bit of an effort to make himself appear a bit less disheveled than in the last scene. He's only minorly successful in the attempt. His uniform still looks like shit, his hair looks tousled, and he walks with a limp. He wheels the cart up to the penthouse door and KNOCKS at the door. A woman opens the door, it's Angela from Alex's story. ANGELA Hi, Theodore. TED What the hell are you doing here? She holds up the drink she has in her hand. ANGELA Having a drink. TED Is that crazy husband of yours in there? ANGELA Are you kidding, he'll be asleep till Christmas. From behind her we hear: VOICE (O.S.) Entrez, entrez. Angela steps aside and Ted wheels in the tray. INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT The penthouse is huge, far and away the best suite in the house. And standing in the middle of the biggest room in the hotel is the hottest, newest comedy star to burst onto the Hollywood scene in nearly a decade: Chester Rush. At this moment in time, he's the king, and he has the swagger of a new king. After only one movie, he's pulled the sword out of the stone. And the look on his face says, "King's good." Surrounding him is his entourage. They all look like once upon a time this evening they were dressed sharp; however, at this late hour, everybody looks about as disheveled as Ted. One of the lads, Norman, has planted roots in a comfy chair with his leg thrown over the arm and a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand. The second guy, Leo, is in the back of the room pacing back and forth on the telephone. He is completely oblivious to the rest of the room's activity. In Chester's hand is an ever present glass of champagne, which he constantly spills as he gestures wildly. Around the room are the leftovers: pizza boxes, fast-food hamburgers, and empty bottles of Cristal Champagne. CHESTER (still sitting) Entrez, entrez, come in, come in. TED (wheeling in the tray) Hi, sorry I took so long, but I got everything you asked for -- CHESTER -- Not a problem, my friend Mr. Bellboy. ANGELA (closing the door) His name's Theodore. TED Actually, it's not Theodore, (he throws a look at Angela) It's Ted. Chester rises from the couch. CHESTER So, Ted the Bellboy, as I was saying -- would you care for some champagne? That's not what I was saying, but would you care for some champagne? TED No, thank you. CHESTER Ya sure? Cristal. It's the best. I never liked champagne before I had Cristal, now I love it. TED Okay, yeah, sure. As Chester goes and pours Ted a glass: CHESTER -- As I was saying, Ted, don't worry about being late. For our purposes, promptness is far behind thoroughness. On "thoroughness," he hands Ted the glass. CHESTER Chin-chin. They clink glasses and drink. CHESTER Whadya say, Ted? TED Thank you? CHESTER No, not thank you. Whadya say about the tasty beverage? TED It's good. CHESTER Fuckin' good, Ted. It's fuckin' good. Let's try it again, shall we? So, Ted, whadya think about the beverage. TED It's fuckin' good. CHESTER You bet your sweet bippy, Ted. It's fuckin' Cristal, everything else is piss. Norman in the chair starts yelling at Ted. NORMAN Bellboy! Bellboy! Bellboy! Ted knows he's being laughed at, but not why. CHESTER (to Norman) Knock it off, you're making my friend Ted here uneasy. (to Ted) Pay no attention to Norman here, Ted, he's just fuckin' wit' ya, that's all. That's from Quadrophenia. Now me, myself, when I think of bellboys I think of -- "bellboy" isn't an insult, is it? Is there another name for what you do that I'm ignorant of? Bellman, bellperson -- TED Bellboy's fine. CHESTER Good. I'm glad they haven't changed that. There's a friendliness to "bellboy." As I was saying, Ted, when Norman thinks of bellboys, he thinks of Quadrophenia. But me, when I think of bellboys, I think of The Bellboy, with Jerry Lewis. Didja ever see The Bellboy? TED No. CHESTER You should, it's one of Jerry's better movies. He never says a word through the entire film. A completely silent performance. How many actors can pull that off? And he has to go to France to get respect. That says it all about America right there. The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every paper in this fuckin' country gonna write articles calling the man a genius. It's not right. It's not right and it's not fair. But why should that surprise anybody? When has America ever been fair? We might be right every once in a while, but we're very rarely fair. TED Where do you want this? CHESTER You in a hurry, Ted? TED (he is, but doesn't want to rush the movie star) No, not particularly. CHESTER Good, then stop playing "Beat the Clock." Now let me introduce you to everybody. He puts his arm around Ted and leads him around the room. Angela crosses frame, drink in hand. CHESTER Our friend from downstairs you already seem to be acquainted with. As she snuggles up in a big comfy chair: ANGELA Oh, me and Theodore go way back. Don't we, Theodore? TED The name's Ted, Angela. I only let people with loaded guns at my head call me Theodore. CHESTER Angela's like you, Ted, a newfound friend. ANGELA We met at the pool. CHESTER (to Ted) Have you ever seen Angela in a one- piece? TED No. CHESTER Well, it's somethin' to see. (arm around Ted) The Man sitting in the chair, with the bottle of Jim Bean in his hand and the sense of humor, is Norman. Norman, say hello to Ted. NORMAN What's up? Norman shakes his hand. CHESTER The sociable son of a bitch on the telephone is Leo. And the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife Ellen. (to Leo) Leo, say hello to Ted. Leo breaks away from his phone conversation for two seconds. LEO Hi, Ted, glad you could make it. (back to phone) What? (pause) What does punctuality have to do with love? CHESTER Which brings me to me, Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meetcha. Chester shakes Ted's hand. TED I know. I'm sorry I haven't seen your movie. Chester stops. Ted wonders if he should have said that. Chester walks over to the table and pours himself some more champagne. When he talks now it's slower and somewhat distracted. The tone of the scene starts changing. CHESTER It's quite all right, Ted, nothing to feel sorry about. That's why God invented video. But you know, Ted, a lot of people did see it. Chester takes a drink of champagne, a disgusted look crosses his face, and he slowly puts it down. His manner gives the room a chill. When he talks, he addresses the room. CHESTER Who drank out of this bottle last? No answer. Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass. CHESTER Who drank out of this bottle -- not the other bottles -- this bottle last? NORMAN What's wrong, Chester? He spills the champagne from his glass onto the floor. CHESTER It's fuckin' flat, Norman, that's what's wrong. The champagne -- the fuckin' Cristal's fuckin' flat. Chester improvises a temper tantrum about the flat Cristal. Everyone looks at him, not knowing what to say. Even Leo walks over to witness. The whole room is uneasy and a little frightened. When Chester finishes his tantrum, he turns his attention back to Ted. As he talks to him, he opens up another bottle. But it's not the rapid-pace delivery Chester has done so far. It's more troubled and distracted. CHESTER I was saying, Ted, a lot of people did see it. And not just on video, either. Leo, what was the final take on domestic? Leo is still in the doorway making sure his boy's cool. LEO 72.1 million. (worried tone) You okay, champ? CHESTER (struggling with bottle) I'm cool, so talk to your wife. Leo turns his attention back to the phone and goes inside the room. CHESTER (to Ted) 72.1 million dollars. That's before video and before foreign, and before pay-TV and before free TV. We're talking fuckin' asses in fuckin' seats. (he pops the cork) Before all that other shit, The Wacky Detective made 72.1 million dollars. Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass. CHESTER And my new one, The Dog Catcher, it's projected to break a hundred. (he clinks Ted's glass with his) The Dog Catcher. TED The Dog Catcher. They both drink. The tantrum's over, and Chester's back to his fast-talking, good-natured self. CHESTER Now let's stroll over here and see what goodies you brought us. TED Do you mind me asking what's all this stuff for? CHESTER One thing at a time, Ted. I'm not a frog and you're not a bunny, so let's not jump ahead. C'mon, Norman, you should be interested in this. NORMAN Damn Skippy! (pause) Tell it. Ted produces the things they called for. TED A block of wood. Chester knocks on it. CHESTER Good. TED Three nails. NORMAN Why three nails? CHESTER That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted. Ted is completely bewildered. TED A roll of twine. CHESTER That's definitely a roll of twine. Continue. TED A bucket of ice. CHESTER (to Norman) You into it? NORMAN (to Chester) I'm into it. CHESTER (to Ted) Go on. TED A donut. Chester takes it and eats it. CHESTER That's for me. Continue. TED And a hatchet. CHESTER A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself is what I asked for. TED Well, you be the judge. Ted holds the hatchet out for Chester to take. Norman snatches it instead. NORMAN I'll be the judge. Norman touches the end of the blade with his thumb. CHESTER Whadya think? NORMAN That's a sharp motherfucker. Bring all this bullshit over to the bar. CHESTER You heard him, Ted. Ted is completely confused and starting to get a little scared, but he does what he's told. Leo slams down the phone. LEO Bitch! NORMAN You still married? LEO Maybe, maybe not, but I don't give a flyin' fuck either way. I've had it with that Machiavellian bitch! I'm too drunk to drive home. I'm sorry about that, I'm real sorry about that. I got drunk on New Year's Eve, cut my fuckin' head off... (noticing Ted at the bar) What's going on here? CHESTER We now return you to The Man from Rio, already in progress. LEO (surprised) Noooo, you're gonna do it? NORMAN Looks like. LEO You guys ain't bullshittin', you're gonna really go for it? Angela is still curled up. ANGELA After talkin' about it all night, they better. I wanna see a show. CHESTER When we do it, you'll have something to see. Leo walks up to Norman and throws his arm around him. LEO You are one radical dude. Ted doesn't know what anybody's talking about, which is just fine with him. He finishes laying out everything on the bar and says: TED Well, that's everything, so if you don't need me for anything else, I'll go back downstairs. CHESTER Not so fast, Ted. We ain't quite done yet. Why don't you take a seat at the bar, get comfortable, and have an open mind when we explain the festivities of the evening to you. TED Look, guys, you paid for the room. As long as you don't break up the furniture, you can do whatever the fuck you want. And me personally, I don't care if you break up the furniture. You don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned is your business. CHESTER Well, it's your business, Ted. 'Cause we want you to take part. TED Take part in what? LEO Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently is scarin' the shit outta him. ANGELA Look at the poor guy. Just spit it out. Little by little everybody has gathered around Ted. CHESTER First off, let me say that there's nothing homosexual about what we're going to ask you to do. There's nothing sexual at all about what we want. But I was thinkin' you might be thinkin' we want you to do some sex thing. Pee on us, suck us off, shit like that. Let me assure you nothing could be farther from what we want -- Angela interrupts: ANGELA Can I jump in here? CHESTER No, you can't jump in here, this is my story. ANGELA Theodore's been here fifteen minutes and you've talked about everything but. CHESTER Hey, if you don't like it, you can get the fuck out. Leo taps his champagne glass with a tiny spoon, shutting everybody up. LEO If it'll please the court, let me explain to Ted our intentions. NORMAN (yelling) I second the nomination! CHESTER (yelling) Move the nomination be closed! Chester takes the hatchet and brings it down on the bar like a hatchet. CHESTER (calmly) Leo, the floor is yours. LEO Thank you. (to Ted) Ted, did you ever watch the old "Alfred Hitchcock Show"? TED (totally bewildered at this point) Yeah. LEO Did you ever see the episode The Man from Rio, with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen? TED I don't think so. LEO Oh, you'd remember it all right. In the show, Peter Lorre makes a bet that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row. Now if Steve McQueen can light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, he wins Peter Lorre's new car. If he can't he loses his little finger. (pause) Norman and Chester just made the same bet. (pause) Norman's putting up his pinky against Chester's mint convertible, 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle that he can light his Zippo ten times in a row. Pause. Ted looks at all of them, taking in the information, before saying: TED You guys are drunk. CHESTER Well, that goes without saying, but that doesn't mean we don't know what we're doing. NORMAN I'll tell ya what I'm doin'. Norman lays an issue of Hot Classic Cars in front of Ted on the bar. On the cover is a picture of Chester smiling, standing next to a beautiful 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle. The headline reads: "Hollywood's Hottest New Star Next to America's Hottest Old Car." NORMAN I drive a motherfuckin' Honda my sister sold me. You hear what I'm sayin'? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic. (he holds up the magazine) You see this shit?! (reading the magazine) "Hollywood's hottest new star, next to America's hottest old car." (he hands Ted the magazine) Now you take a good look at that machine that this motherfucker over here is standing next to. That's a 1964 nigger-red, rag-top Chevy Corvelle. And I love that car more'n I love hips, lips, and fingertips. Cut to we sittin' here celebrating, gettin' high, drinkin' champagne -- CHESTER -- Cristal. When you're drinkin' anything else, you're drinking champagne. When you're drinkin' Cristal, you say you're drinkin' Cristal. NORMAN -- drinkin' Cristal. Watchin' TV. "Rockin' New Year's Eve." When all of a sudden we flip on Steve McQueen and Peter Lorre bein' fuckin' badass. And I look at this funny motherfucker over here, and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle." LEO And Chester replies... CHESTER "...Oh, really?" TED You guys wouldn't be doin' something this stupid unless you were drunk. Everybody breaks into a "here, here" murmur. NORMAN I think that pretty much goes without sayin'. We'd probably chicken out. But when you're fucked-up, you don't lie. You tell the fuckin' truth. And the fuckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo's gonna win me Chester's car. TED (to Chester) Why are you doing this? CHESTER Thrill of the bet. I'm the one with something to lose here. 'Cause I can pretty near guarantee that I love my car more'n Norman loves his pinky. TED (to Leo) How 'bout you guys, you're just gonna sit back and let your friends mutilate each other? LEO Why not? Life don't get much more exciting than this. I mean if Norman was puttin' his dick on the choppin' block, I'd step in, 'cause, ya know in the morning, we'd really regret that. But his pinky? Who gives a fuck? I mean theoretically, he could lose that choppin' onions tomorrow. Life still goes on. TED (to Angela) How 'bout you? ANGELA (to Ted) I don't care. CHESTER Which brings us to your part in this little wager. TED I don't have a part. CHESTER Now, Ted, my old granddaddy used ta say: "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less he's apt to look foolish in retrospect." Now there're some inherent obstacles in this undertaking. First of all, I'm not some sick fuck like Peter Lorre on that show, travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. We're all buddies, here. Nobody wants Norman to lose his finger. We just wanna chop it off. So if fate doesn't smile on ol' Norman, we'll put his finger on ice and rush 'im to a hospital, where in all likelihood be able to sew it back on. TED Hopefully. LEO Eighty percent. NORMAN Our side. CHESTER So Norman's protected. His interests have been looked after. My interests, on the other hand, have not. I am as emotionally attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger. I'm putting up a very expensive piece of machinery on this wager. Now, if I lose, I lose, I have no problem with that. I'm a big boy, I knew what I was doing. However, if I win, I wanna win. If Norman lights his lighter ten times in a row, he's gonna have no emotional problems about taking my car keys whatsoever. But if I win, it's not inconceivable that Leo or myself, at the last minute, might not be able to wield the ax. Which brings us full circle to you, Ted. Sober Ted. Clear-eyed Ted. We want you to be the diceman. Pause as they all look at him. Angela breaks it. ANGELA Helluva night, huh, Ted? TED I gotta get out of here. Ted abruptly gets up and makes a beeline for the door. Chester whips out a hundred-dollar bill and quickly calls to Ted from his position at the bar. CHESTER Ted, I got a hundred-dollar bill here with your name on it, whether you do what we ask or not, just to sit back down in the chair for one minute more. Ted spins in his direction. TED I'm not gonna cut off his finger! CHESTER Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but that has nothing to do with this hundred-dollar bill in my hand. You can tell us all to go fuck off and walk right out that door. But if you sit back down and wait sixty seconds before you do it, you'll be a hundred dollars richer. Ted just stands across the room, thinking. ANGELA Ted. Take the money. LEO Ted, you're gonna do whatever you want to do. We're just askin' you to indulge us for another minute more. And Chester's willin' to pay for it. Ted thinks. TED I'll take your money, and I'll sit back down. But a minute from now, I'm gonna walk out the door, and when I do, there'll be no hard feelings? CHESTER Well, I want you to have a bit more of an open mind than that, but, yeah, we'll either convince you or we won't. No hard feelings. Right, guys? Everybody agrees. Ted wearily sits back down. Chester positions himself in front of Ted at the bar. CHESTER Okay, Leo, you be the timekeeper. Let us know when one minute begins and when it ends. LEO You got it. (he checks his watch) Gentlemen, start your engines. Chester jumps up and down, loosening up. LEO Begin! Chester, who talks fast anyway, starts his pitch. It's Chester who now plays "Beat the Clock." CHESTER Okay, pay attention here, Ted, I ain't got much time. Now I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar. (he takes the hundred- dollar bill and lays it out on the bar) One pile, (pointing at the hundred-dollar bill) which is yours. And another pile, (Chester whips out a money roll fat enough to choke a horse to death) which could be yours. (he lays a matching hundred-dollar bill on the bar, starting a second pile) Now, what you have to be aware of is we're gonna do this bet, one way, (he lays another hundred on the end pile) or the other. (he lays another hundred on the pile) Whether it's you who holds the ax, (he lays another hundred on the pile) or the desk clerk downstairs, (he lays another hundred on the pile) or some bum we yank off the street. (he lays another hundred on the pile) NORMAN You can buy a lot of soup with that pile. CHESTER (to Norman) Shhhh, I'm the closer. (to the group) How much is on the bar already? I lost count. ANGELA Six hundred. CHESTER Six hundred. Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to six hundred? TED No. CHESTER (laying another bill on the pile) One minute less than it takes to count to seven hundred. You know, Ted, a person's life is made up of a zillion little experiences. (he lays another bill on the pile) Some, which have no meaning, are insignificant and you forget them. And some that stick with you for the rest of your natural life -- (he lays another bill on the pile) -- barring Alzheimer's of course. Now, what we're proposing is so unusual, so outside the norm, that I think it would be a pretty good guess that this will be one of those experiences that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this moment for the rest of your life, you gotta decide what that memory will be. (He lays down the last bill on the pile) So, are you gonna remember for the next forty years, give or take a decade, how you refused a thousand dollars for one second's worth of work, or how you made a thousand dollars for one second's worth of work? LEO Time! CHESTER Well, Ted, what's it gonna be? Ted looks at the pile, then looks up. We dolly into his face. FLASHBACK We see a quick MONTAGE of horrendous moments from all the other stories. INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT Back to Ted. TED Okay. The group cheers. TED But when it's over, no matter what happens, I get the money? CHESTER As long as you do your part, you can take the pile, walk out the door, and not say another word. TED Let's do it right now, before I change my mind. NORMAN Here, here. Everybody gets in their position by the bar. Norman lays his left hand on the block of wood with his pinky sticking out. In his right hand is his Zippo lighter, poised and ready to strike. Chester hands Ted the meat cleaver. Ted takes it, raises it up above Norman's finger, in position. CHESTER Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect! This is great! This is a moment in time none of us will ever forget. Everybody is crowded around the scene, on pins and needles. CHESTER Norman, you ready? NORMAN Ready! CHESTER Ted, you ready? TED Ready. CHESTER Okeydoke. Norman, begin. Norman looks hard at the Zippo in his hand. Ted, holding the cleaver, stares focused on Norman's pinky. Norman readies himself. Places his thumb on the wheel in the Zippo. Takes a breath. And strikes. It sparks, but doesn't light. Without missing a beat, Ted brings down the cleaver, slicing off Norman's pinky. Norman lets out a scream. Ted, in one move, lays down the cleaver, scoops up the money and walks out the door. INT. HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN CAMERA is positioned at far end of hallway, looking down it at the elevator at the other end. Ted walks out of the penthouse in the f.g. In a MEDIUM SHOT, he takes the thousand dollars in his hand, looks at it, smiles, and sticks it in his pocket. It might've been a bad night, but it's been a profitable one. He chuckles at the irony, and, whistling a happy tune, turns his back on the camera and walks down the hall to the elevator. All the while we hear PANDEMONIUM breaking out behind the door. As Ted walks to the elevator, the CREDITS ROLL. He waits for the elevator, it arrives, he gets in, the doors close. As CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL, we hold for about two beats... then... The door BURSTS open and everybody comes piling out. Everybody's screaming, yelling different things to one another. Norman has a bloody towel wrapped around his hand, he's screaming and crying. NORMAN My finger, my fucking finger!! Chester has the bucket of ice with the finger in it. Leo's trying to direct everything. Everybody's in frantic activity, except for Angela, who stands back, drinks her drink, and watches the show. They all run down the hall, toward the elevator. Somebody trips and they all hit the ground. The bucket of ice with the finger goes spilling. They run around like crazy, looking for the finger and picking up ice cubes. Norman lies on the floor and screams. They pick it all up, get to the elevator, and push the button. When it arrives, they all dive in except for Angela. ANGELA You know, I'm gonna call it a night and go back to my room. It's been fun. The doors close on the screaming maniacs. Angela walks through a door marked "Stairway." INT. 4TH FLOOR HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN MEDIUM STAIRWAY DOOR CREDIT ROLL continues Angela comes through the door; we STEADICAM in front of her as she walks the halls, looking for her room. She finds it... WE STOP CREDITS FOUR ROOMS Angela sticks her key in the door, then stops when she sees something approaching. The look on her face combines strange awe and mild shock. Almost floating ethereally, a mysterious Blond Bombshell, wearing Diana's see-through negligee and slippers, armed with Elspeth's sword slung over her shoulder, wanders toward her. She is in a daze, perhaps lost or drunk. ANGELA You okay, lady? The bombshell looks up at her dizzily. ANGELA I said -- you looking for someone? DIANA (disoriented) Uhhh... yes... my husband... I think. Have you seen him? Angela and the girl have a strange moment as they connect through the eyes. Having had enough emotional intensity tonight, Angela breaks their eye contact. ANGELA Lady, I haven't seen anybody. Diana quietly says, "Ohhh," as she drifts on down the hall in a daze. Angela puts her hand to her temples before opening her hotel door. She does a double-take on the hallway -- empty. She pauses a beat, then walks into her room. After the door closes, we hear Sigfried on the other side. SIGFRIED Where the hell have you been? CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL THE END

FREAKED Written by Tim Burns, Tom Stern & Alex Winter SEVENTH DRAFT January 12, 1992 INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET A horribly deformed figure--hunchback, misshapen head--sits on a stool in complete silhouette. This is RICK COOGAN. RICK Can you imagine it, Regis, Kathie Lee? One day I'm a hot young movie star, and the next day I'm a hideous mutant freak, covered with festering lesions. Oddly, REGIS and KATHIE LEE are also in complete silhouette. REGIS Sounds like my wife when she misses a mudpack! The audience CRACKS UP. Kathie Lee pooh-poohs Regis. KATHIE LEE Oh Regis! You're incorrigible! Ha- ha! (to Rick, she turns EARNEST) Ricky, once you were the all- American boy next door, star of the beloved Hey Dude films. Now the very mention of your name makes children scream in terror. We've all read about your disturbing story. But the people want to hear it from you, Ricky Coogan. (SFX: children scream) Won't you tell us your story? RICK Well, it's kinda long, but okay. It all started when I signed a deal to be spokesman for the E.E.S. conglomerate... DISSOLVE TO: INT. E.E.S. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The E.E.S. logo--a large metal shoe with a bar across it, with the words "Everything Except Shoes" beneath. Widen to reveal RICHARD HERTZ, president of E.E.S., smiling rigidly to camera. RICK COOGAN is next to him, also holding a stiff movie-star smile. FLASH! They shake hands as the EES photographer takes publicity shots. Off to one side, behind Hertz, are several EES EXECUTIVES. Behind Rick is his entourage: LAWYER, BODYGUARD, TRAINER, STYLIST, and SPIRIT GUIDE. 2. Further off, at the boardroom table, four DODDERING OLD CORPORATE FARTS on the brink of death look on with glazed expressions. RICK (through a clenched smile) So, what kind of crap do you scumbags want me to peddle? HERTZ Everything. Everything except shoes, of course. Hah hah... He laughs pathetically. Rick doesn't respond. Hertz nods to a nearby EXECUTIVE who hands him some BEEF STICKS. HERTZ Meaty Twig Beef Sticks. Rick takes them and holds them up to the camera. Smiles. Flash. HERTZ Helmet Head hair spray. He takes the hair spray and holds it up. Smile. Flash. The assistant carefully hands Hertz a pulsating metal container with lots of warnings and danger symbols on it. Hertz gives it to Rick. HERTZ Noxon 24 biogenetic neuro- fertilizer. Rick holds it up, then pushes it away in disgust. RICK Fertilizer? Ricky Coogan does not do ads for hi-tech cow shit. I'm a star, got it, Hertz? (to his aide) Rico, give these misguided clowns Tony Danza's phone number, and let's get the hell out of here. He gives the finger to the EES photographer, who obligingly takes a picture. Hertz waves at him to get lost, and calls after Rick who's headed to the door with his entourage. HERTZ Rick. Wait! Only you can stand up to the radicals trying to keep Noxon from the struggling farmers whose very future depends on it. 3. RICK (HESITATES) Noxon? Wasn't that just banned? HERTZ Only in the U.S....and Europe. RICK But I heard that shit's lethal. Hertz lets out a big laugh. He shakes his head at Rick. HERTZ Rick, Rick, Rick... You want proof? Fine. Just take a seat. Please. Rick nods to his entourage. They sit at the boardroom table, across from the EES execs. An easel behind Hertz shows a placard with a bar graph. Hertz whispers something to an aide, who scurries off. HERTZ (TO RICK) Meet the head of our South American research facility, Juan Valdez. The aide ushers in a handsome LATIN AMERICAN EXECUTIVE in a natty three-piece suit and a sombrero. GEORGE My name is George Ramirez. HERTZ Whatever. He's worked with Noxon 24 every day for five years, and he's in fine shape. Aren't you, Juan? George glares at Hertz bitterly. Hertz stares him down. GEORGE Yes. I am fine. Me and my team in Santa Flan have-- RICK Santa "Flan?" What kind of shitty name for a country is that? GEORGE It is named for the patron saint of creamy desserts... As I was saying, we've worked very closely with Noxon... 4. Rick nods. We cut back to George, but he isn't George anymore. He has mutated into a similar looking actor, in the same suit, the same sombrero, but shorter and swarthier. GEORGE (CONT'D) I personally supervised its development... Rick furrows his brow. He's a little suspicious of George's transformation, but just a little. Now George is even shorter, even swarthier. Yet another actor. GEORGE (CONT'D) I performed rigorous scientific tests. No potential danger was left uninvestigated... Rick's suspicion is increasing. He looks over to Hertz, who feigns total innocence. George is now even shorter. Still another actor. His clothes are baggy, and the sombrero is starting to slide down over his face. GEORGE (CONT'D) The environmentalists are crackpots, all of them. Rick looks at his entourage. Their mouths hang open in astonishment. George has now shrunk to near-midget proportions. The sombrero completely covers his head. When he takes it off, we see he's now played by LINDA HUNT! GEORGE It's ridiculous, I tell you. Totally ridiculous! Rick is ready to ask questions, but Hertz cuts him off. HERTZ Thank you, Valdez. That will be all. George nods and heads back to his seat. As he passes behind Hertz, he can't resist sticking his thumbs in his ears and making a face. RICK Wait a second-- 5. HERTZ Ricky, this is important. We're talking about a major threat to the EES image. How does 2 million dollars plus expenses sound? The aide reveals a new placard on the easel. It reads "$2 MILLION." RICK Look, it sounds great, but-- HERTZ I hear you. Make it five million-- (a new placard: 5 MILLION) that is, if the board agrees ... Hertz reaches beside his chair and pulls a lever. The old geezers beside him raise their arms stiffly, as if they were being pulled by strands of fishing line, which they are. HERTZ Good, it's unanimous. Well, what do you say, Ricky? Are you EES's "Man in Santa Flan?" Rick looks at his advisors--they look over at Linda Hunt, then emphatically shake their heads "NO." Rick looks at Hertz, who shows him five big fingers and grins. Rick breaks into a big smile and gives Hertz his trademark thumbs up sign. CUT TO: INT. L.A. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECK Rick stands in line at the luggage X-ray machine. He impatiently checks his watch as the X-RAY CHECKER chats him up. A CRAZED ANARCHIST holding a large bomb passes through the security check unquestioned. X-RAY CHECKER My kids just loved you in "Hey Dude Three: The Final Countdown." We need more wholesome role models like you. RICK Uh-huh. (TO HIMSELF) Where the fuck is Ernie? 6. We hear WOMEN'S SCREAMS. They turn towards the noise and see a bunch of STEWARDESSES scattering from a trendy young cad with a fake hand sticking out of his fly. This is ERNIE, Rick's buddy and resident court jester. ERNIE Ladies! All I wanted was a manicure! Yah-ha-ha! (he sees Rick) IT'S THE COOG! RICK IT'S THE ERNIE! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Rick pumps Ernie's third "hand." The miffed X-ray checker points to Rick's large carry-on bag as it emerges from the X- ray machine. X-RAY CHECKER (TO RICK) Mister Coogan, is this your bag? RICK Yeah, why? X-RAY CHECKER Is this your kid? He indicates the X-ray monitor, where we see the skeleton outline of a BUCKTOOTHED, BESPECTACLED 10 YEAR OLD KID curled up in Rick's bag. The kid waves. Rick and Ernie look at each other in horror. RICK/ERNIE Stuey Gluck! The bag bursts open, and out pops STUEY GLUCK, an obsessive young autograph hound toting a stack of scrapbooks and memorabilia. STUEY Rick! Rick! Look! I got a rare still from your high school production of The Glass Menagerie! Could you sign it for me? Please?! RICK NO! (TO ERNIE) Let's get the hell out of here! 7. Ernie nods and yanks the bag away from under Stuey. They run away down the corridor. Stuey chases them, holding up an 8 by 10 photo. STUEY Rick! Wait up! FURTHER DOWN THE CORRIDOR Rick and Ernie run around a corner with Stuey in pursuit. STUEY Rick! Remember the speech you gave at the Actors Forum for Social Justice!? He holds up a cassette player and hits play. It's Rick's old speech. RICK'S VOICE (FROM TAPE) If all the world is a stage, then let us shine the spotlight on truth, integrity, and a deep compassion for all life. RICK Leave me alone, troll! (TO ERNIE) That was before I got an entertainment lawyer. ERNIE Quick, down here. Ernie leads Rick down an adjacent hallway. IN THE HALLWAY It's a dead end. Rick and Ernie are trapped. Ernie gives Rick a sheepish look. Stuey stands at the entrance of the hallway. He holds up a Time magazine. STUEY Rick! Rick! It says here Noxon's dangerous. Why are you lending your name to it? What's happened to you, Rick? You used to be good! And now... I just don't know... Stuey starts to cry. Rick looks guilty. RICK Don't cry, Stuey, I'm still good. 8. BAM! A passing electric baggage cart nails Stuey at full speed and carries him off down the corridor, screaming bloody murder. RICK ALRIGHT! Rick and Ernie high five. CUT TO: INT. FIRST CLASS CABIN - DAY A SEXY STEWARDESS pours champagne for Rick and Ernie. The anarchist sits nearby with the bomb on his lap. Rick winks suggestively at the stewardess. She walks off, obviously not interested. Rick raises his glass to Ernie, oozing sleazy confidence. RICK In the bag. The plane hits turbulence, and Rick's drink flies up out of his glass--he catches it as it comes down. Another STEWARDESS helps the Anarchist put his bomb in the overhead compartment. Ernie ogles her. She sneers at him. We hear the CAPTAIN'S voice on the loudspeaker. CAPTAIN (V.0.) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. To the right of the aircraft, you can see a great view of the Grand Canyon. All the passengers crane their necks to the right. CAPTAIN (V.0.) And to the left you can see a panic- stricken little troll. Rick turns to his window and flings open the shade to reveal... STUEY on the wing, pressing his face up against the glass. He's holding up a publicity shot of Rick and screaming something we can't hear. RICK AHHHHHHH! Stuey loses his grip and is whisked off the wing. Rick watches him fall into oblivion. 9. Relieved, he turns nonchalantly to Ernie, ignoring the other horrified passengers. RICK You gonna eat your peanuts, Ernie? ERNIE Nah, you can have 'em. CUT TO: EXT. FARM DAY A large haystack sits in the middle of a field. We hear Stuey's approaching scream. STUEY (O.S.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... THUD! Stuey misses the haystack by a few feet. He hops to his feet and dusts himself off. STUEY Hey, I'm okay! BONK! His scrapbook falls into frame and beans him. STUEY OW! CUT TO: EXT. SANTA FLAN AIRPORT - DAY We see the airliner lowering its landing gear as it makes its final approach to the runway. RICK (VO) Here we are Ernie, Santa Spam. World famous for loud music and hot sex! ERNIE (VO) It is? RICK (VO) Give me a few hours. KA-BLOOEY! The plane explodes in a fireball. Swish-pan to reveal... RICK AND ERNIE 10. Standing just outside the airport. A porter follows with their bags. RICK Sure glad that wasn't our plane. Ernie nods. They're distracted by the sound of chanting. They squint into the distance, where they see a group of chanting PROTESTERS--young "Save the Earth" types, latter-day hippies, kids, seniors, etc. PROTESTERS EES mustn't stay! Take your toxic crap away! EES mustn't stay! (etc.) Some of their signs read--"Say No to Noxon!", "Coogan Go Home", "EES is killing our Earth!", "Ricky Coogan Sucks Shit" (this one held by a nice LITTLE GIRL), "I Like Ike" (held by a confused OLD MAN, shuffling around aimlessly), "Drink Pepsi" and finally... "Free Nelson Mandela"--we WIDEN to reveal the subheading: "Inside specially marked boxes." We keep WIDENING to reveal that this is not on a protest placard, but a box of cereal some GUY is eating as he watches the protest. ERNIE Jesus! We better find the limo before these whale kissers chop us up and sell us for parts. (he spots the limo) There it is. Off to the side, away from the protesters, an unmarked limo with tinted windows (and plates that say NOT EES) awaits. KEVIN, an EES exec, leans out the window and waves discreetly at Ricky. The stewardesses, looking tipsy, wave their bras out the back window invitingly. Ernie tries to grab Ricky by the arm, but he resists. He's looking at the protesters. RICK Wait a second... His POV... A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN standing in the center of the crowd of protesters, holding a MEGAPHONE to her mouth and chanting. She puts down the megaphone to rest, and we can see that she's powerfully beautiful, in a no-nonsense feminist kind of way. This is JULIE. Rick is smitten. 11. ERNIE Let's go, Rick. They're waitin'. RICK Forget them. I got a better idea. If I can just find the right disguise... ERNIE Coog, those hippies'll tear us apart. Rick spots a HEAVILY BANDAGED MAN limping out of the airport on crutches. Rick approaches him, waving a roll of bills. RICK Hey, how'd you like to make a quick hundred bucks? The man mutters something weakly. Ernie puts his ear up close to hear him better. ERNIE He says the pants don't usually come off for less than two-fifty, but since you're so cute, he'll make an exception. FLIP TO: RICK buried beneath rolls and rolls of bandages, making his way through the protesters on crutches. Ernie helps him along, nervously. As Rick spots Julie from behind, he hands the crutches over to Ernie. RICK Here. Ernie takes the crutches. Rick waves his arms dramatically, clutches his bandaged legs, and winces in pain. RICK Help! Ow! Give me back my crutches! You monster! Oh, the pain! The agony! He falls theatrically at Julie's feet. JULIE Are you okay? Let me help you! 12. RICK Thanks. Don't worry about me. What's one man's pain weighed against the global injustice of corporate tyrants like EES? Go. The fight must continue. Julie's buying it big time. She gazes deep into Rick's eyes. JULIE Wow... My name's Julie. RICK Josh. Josh Tavner. Ernie sticks a hand out, grinning sarcastically. ERNIE Mother Theresa. Glad to meet you. Julie turns on Ernie viciously. She slaps him hard, and grabs the crutches from him. ERNIE Ow! Hey! JULIE Give me those, ape. Help him up. Rick rises to his feet "painfully." JULIE Hey Josh, a busload of us are headed over to Maracas to protest Noxon 24 and pelt Ricky Coogan with cow shit. RICK Same here! You could ride with us. JULIE Us? You're with him? She looks at Ernie, who grins stupidly. RICK Oh, he's okay. Have you ever heard of an idiot savant? JULIE Sure. RICK That's Ernie. Except for the savant part. 13. Ernie glares at Rick. Rick smiles at Julie hopefully. Julie looks at them both, and can't help smiling herself. CUT TO: INT. CAR - DAY Ernie drives the battered old convertible which bears the proud logo of Santa Flan Rent-a-Car. There's a Pepsi billboard in the background. Julie massages Rick in the back seat. RICK (faking terrible pain) Ooooh, my pelvis. JULIE (SYMPATHETIC) Is this better? ERNIE'S POV IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR Rick moans and cracks a huge grin through his bandages. Ernie tries to get in on the conversation. ERNIE Hey Julie. You know I'm kind of an idea man myself. Like, let's say there's a nuclear war, and the only two people left are you and the Pope... Would you pork him? Disgusted, Julie smacks Ernie sharply and continues massaging Rick. Scowling with jealousy, Ernie tries a new approach. ERNIE But one thing's for sure. That Coogan guy sure is an asshole, huh? JULIE I'll say! What a total piece of shit. Don't you think so, Josh? Rick grits his teeth. RICK (MUMBLES NONCOMMITTALLY) Well, he's got a few problems. JULIE And what a lousy actor! I mean can you believe that "Hey Dude" crap? 14. RICK Well, with a script that bad, Coogan deserves an Oscar for coming off as good as he did! (CATCHES HIMSELF) I mean, that's what I read. JULIE Well, he's no Christian Slater. RICK (EXPLODES) SLATER!? I could act circles around that one-note hack! He was shittin' his diapers when I was the toast of Broadway! I made grown men cry! I made crippled children laugh! Now all I ever hear is Slater! Slater! Slater! WELL SLATER CAN KISS MY ASS! YOU HEAR ME? Enraged, Rick rips the bandages off his face. RICK You think Slater could improv like this? Make you believe he was an invalid!? Huh!? Julie stares at him in shock. Rick catches his breath, realizes what he's just done, and smiles weakly. Ernie tries to break the awkward silence. ERNIE (TO JULIE) So, do you like Swedish films? Julie gives him a murderous look. FADE TO BLACK. FADE UP ON: EXT. DIRT HIGHWAY - LATER High wide shot: The car is descending deeper into the wild jungle, towards a huge eerie sunset. IN THE CAR Julie's been lecturing Rick for some time now. JULIE You don't even want to hear the truth about Noxon, do you, Coogan? (MORE) 15. JULIE(CONT'D) I mean, look, I'm not saying this stuff is going to turn anyone into a... a... RICK'S POV on the road behind Julie he sees a crude carnival billboard featuring a painting of a huge worm with a man's head. It reads "See the Incredabel Humin Werm! Only at Elijah C. Skuggs Famus Freek Land." Julie can't see it. RICK (DISTRACTED) Human worm... JULIE Right. A human worm. I mean, that's just stupid. The point is-- Rick sees another billboard for the freak show. This one features a half-man/half-dog creature and says "See the Aztownding Dawg Boy!" RICK Dog boy... JULIE Yeah, or a dog boy. That's absurd. BUT-- Another billboard. This one features the "Hidyous Frawg Man." RICK Hideous frog man. JULIE Okay, okay. Now you're just being silly. Human suffering's just a big joke to you, huh? You are sick, Coogan! She turns away from him in a huff and looks out her window. She sees a billboard that reads "See The Hole Amazing Famly of Freekz at Elijah C. Skuggs Famus Freek Land and Mutent Emporeum!" JULIE Cool! A freak show! Let's check it out! RICK Kind of like a family reunion for you, huh? 16. ERNIE Lighten up, Coog, could be a goof. EXT. JUNGLE ROADWAY The car turns into a driveway near a crude, hand painted sign that says "FreekzTM--Thiss waey" with a messy arrow... We ZOOM IN to the hand painted "small print" on the bottom of the sign, which reads--"Freekz is a registered trademark of Elijah C. Skuggs Enterprises. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited without prior written consent." CUT TO: EXT. FREEKZ COMPOUND The car stops at the end of the long, spooky driveway, just past a sizzling electric fence. Rick, Julie, and Ernie get out and look around. It's eerily quiet. There is a large dilapidated mining shed complete with rusted ducts and a tall smoke stack, a tattered carnival tent with an ornate stage flat facade, a lopsided outhouse, a creepy broken-down farm house, and in the center of it all, a giant molded carnival head with big staring eyes, which slowly rotates on a creaky base. Ernie looks hard at the big eyes. He turns away for a second, then spins around again. The EYES are looking in a different direction. Ernie shakes his head and unwraps a chocolate bar. JULIE Isn't it great? It's so "real"... RICK Real stupid. (TO ERNIE) Let's go. This place is dead. ERNIE Yeah. Where are all the weirdos? VOICE (O.S.) There are no weirdos here. Startled, they turn to see ELIJAH C. SKUGGS, a twisted, haggard old man. He takes a bite out of an ice cream cone which contains the rear half of a chipmunk with a maraschino cherry on top. Elijah has bad teeth, a bad shave, and scary eyes. We now realize the giant head is molded in his image. 17. ELIJAH Mutants, yes. Genetic nightmares, definitely. Children of Hell and twisted masses of living, breathing tormented flesh, certainly. But as for weirdos... not a one. Unless of course you count me! Ha ha ha! RICK Nah, you seem like a regular dumbshit old redneck to me. Elijah ignores him. Julie shoots him a look and smiles at Elijah. JULIE I'm Julie. And you are... ELIJAH Elijah C. Skuggs, proud proprietor of Skugg's Fabulous Freak Land and Mutant Emporium. But you knew that. After all, you've ventured miles away from civilization, hospitals, telephones, (TO RICK) police... How may I help-you? RICK Drop dead. Elijah smiles, unfazed. Julie glares at Rick. She smiles apologetically at Elijah. JULIE We'd like to see your freak show. You see, only by appreciating the variety and innovation of nature can we come to respect the fragile complexity of our global eco- system. Elijah nudges Ernie. ELIJAH And you come to me looking for weirdos? Ernie shrugs. He goes to take a bite out of his chocolate bar and finds only the empty wrapper left in his hand. ERNIE Hey! What the-- He looks behind him, and there--about ten feet away--is... 18. A HULKING BALD MAN warts all over, squatting on the ground and chewing happily. This is TOAD. Julie and Rick turn and see him. JULIE (REPULSED) Eeuuuwww... (composes herself and WAVES) Ahem. Hello. Toad doesn't respond to her waves. ELIJAH Mr. Toad is my... assistant. As for the show, I'm afraid the next parade of deformity isn't until tomorrow night... Rick and Ernie pretend to be disappointed. They turn to leave. Julie's sincerely upset. JULIE Oh, just our luck... Elijah grabs Rick's shoulder and turns him around. ELIJAH However! I do have a private exhibit in my shed you might enjoy. I don't usually share it with the general public... RICK We're deeply honored. But no thanks. ERNIE Yeah. We really must be-- He raises his cigarette to his lips, but it's gone! He turns to see Toad, ten feet behind him, puffing away happily. Hmmm. Elijah is already leading Julie towards the shed. JULIE The sideshow tradition has been misrepresented by the media. You don't traffic in human misery. You show society the part of itself it doesn't want to look at. 19. ELIJAH Yes... Yesm I see... He looks over to Rick and Ernie with a grin that says "Where'd you find this nutty chick?" Rick shrugs and follows, taking Ernie with him. ERNIE What the heck. We'll see some pickled dog brains, maybe some pictures of women with, you know, added equipment. RICK And to think we could be in the limo with those stewardesses. Elijah holds the shed door open for them. It's pitch black inside. Julie enters. Rick and Ernie follow. ERNIE What the hell, Coog, these people are weird, but they seem nice enough. A CUTE BUNNY sits outside the shed. THWAP! Toad lashes out with his ten foot tongue, and sucks the bunny into his mouth. He shuffles into the shed, crunching contentedly. Elijah closes the shed doors in our face, grinning. we hear a lonq peal of EVIL LAUGHTER from inside. ELIJAH AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HE-HE-HE! HA- HAHA! HE-HO-HE-HE-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA- HEHA! YAH-HA-HA-HA-HEE-HEE-HO-HA- HE-HE! INT. SHED It's dark and spooky. Elijah stands in a pool of light, reading a Family Circus cartoon in the funny pages. ELIJAH HA-HE-HE-HE! God I love the Family Circus! How do they do it day after day? It's amazing. He turns to... RICK, JULIE, AND.ERNIE 20. as Toad finishes strapping them onto massive Frankenstein- style operating tables. They struggle desperately against THE STRAPS RICK (TO ELIJAH) ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!? ELIJAH Well, I guess they do use the same joke over and over. I'm just a sucker for that little moffet's shenanigans, that's all. (he tosses the funnies ASIDE) But perhaps I should tell you a little more about what I do. You see, I not only exhibit freaks, I make them. Just like Michelangelo saw the angel in the stone, I look at a guy like Kevin Costner and see a giant peach grub who can fart the Blue Danube! (mops brow, asks OFFHANDEDLY) Am I crazy or is it hot in here? Rick, Julie, and Ernie shoot him a look that pretty well answers his question. Elijah shrugs and goes back to his spiel. ELIJAH Behold! The Tasty Freekz machine! He pulls a tarp off a huge complicated machine. Several drums and vats of various chemicals feed through a crude network of pipes, gadgets and computers into an old Tasty Freeze soft serve ice cream machine (The logo has been changed to "Tasty Freekz"). The biggest vat reads "NOXON 24." JULIE My God! He's using Noxon Twenty- Four! RICK Hey! You're not supposed to have that stuff! ELIJAH Oh? Well, I guess I'm not supposed to have these either! 21. He holds up a matching towel and washcloth embroidered with the "Ramada Inn" logo. Rick, Julie, and Ernie gasp. He tosses the towels. As Elijah gets worked up into a frenzy, the ambience in the room becomes more and more horrific: the sunlight is replaced by an eerie green glow, a thunderstorm rumbles to life, a raven perches on the windowsill, a rat scurries across the floor, one of those plastic "Bony Banks" reaches out and grabs a quarter... ELIJAH I need only punch a few buttons on this magnificent device, and it gives me an easy-to-apply ointment that will mutate a perfect young body, bubble its skin, warp its bones and twist its guts into AN UNSPEAKABLY REPULSIVE, STOMACH- TURNING FREAK OF MY OWN DESIGN! Elijah's hair is now standing on end. He's foaming at the mouth. A bolt of lightning and THUNDERCLAP cap the monologue. JULIE Wait a minute. Does this mean we're not going to see a show? ELIJAH (IGNORES HER) Toad, fire up that machine, and let's turn these hapless asswipes into monstrosities! RICK, JULIE, ERNIE (TOGETHER) AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ELIJAH Now let's see. Who wants to get freaked first? ERNIE (points at Julie) Ladies first! JULIE Go screw yourself! ERNIE If I were you, I would! ELIJAH Hmmmm. 22. Toad is adjusting some knobs on the machine. Elijah steps past him to a jerry-rigged computer console. He punches some keys and some rotating DNA models appear on the monitor. ELIJAH (mumbling to himself) It's like Yin and Yang... AC/DC... two birds with one stone... Yeah, it's pretty darn good, really... He presses "enter" and the computer beeps. He smiles. ELIJAH Let 'er rip, Toad! Toad yanks a pull-start cord and the machine rumbles to life. Elijah pulls the Tasty Freekz lever and fills a small dish with phosphorescent ointment. Toad cuts open their clothes, exposing their sides, and pushes them close together. ERNIE Wait a second. You're really gonna smear that stuff on us and mutate our body parts!? ELIJAH Correct. ERNIE Well... then could you give me a really big rodney? ELIJAH I'm a mad scientist pal, not a miracle worker. Elijah smears the ointment on their exposed sides. Their skin begins to bubble and undulate. JULIE/ERNIE Oh God!... No!... Holy shit! (ETC) A grapefruit-sized lump pops up on Ernie's side, then another on Julie's side, and then the lumps do a little synchronized dance together. Suddenly Ernie's flesh balloons out and melds into Julie's side. The mass of connected skin continues to bubble and mutate. Odd shapes press up under THE SKIN: Four humans faces that quickly become Mount Rushmore... The Pepsi logo--"Pepsi: The Choice of a New Generation"... Julie and Ernie merge into one amorphous flesh blob which then takes the form of... 23. Demon versions of GUMBY and his magic horse POKEY. Gumby's got his back to camera. He's grabbing his crotch and flipping everyone off. ELIJAH Gumby! Put that thing away! Gumby and Pokey mutate back into a blob and then into... JULIE/ERNIE joined side to side, their two heads on a single body which is split down the middle--half Julie, half Ernie. Elijah wheels a large mirror in front of them. ELIJAH Feast your eyes! JULIE NOOOOO! ERNIE Well, at least I'll never have to go far for a piece of tail. JULIE Pig! She SMACKS him. ERNIE Ouch! I was just trying to keep things light. Oh God! Why me!? He starts blubbering uncontrollably. Toad drags them towards the door. JULIE Mother always said there'd be days like this. And I thought she was nuts! They exit. Elijah turns to Rick. ELIJAH (gestures to Julie/Ernie) A mere party trick. But you, you're gonna be special. Elijah steps over to the computer console and starts punching keys. RICK (GETS TOUGH) Let me go, Skuggs, or else! (MORE) 24. I got some RICK(cont'd) friends that'll come down here and mess you up bad, homey! (Elijah chuckles. Rick tries a different APPROACH) I got some other friends who can score you box seats at the Superbowl, no problem. (ANOTHER FAILURE) YOU EVER HAD YOUR BALLS CUT OFF, YOU FUCKIN' APE?! (switches gears again) You ever had a hot fudge bath with Morgana? [foreign take: Madonna] ELIJAH (LOOKS UP--INTERESTED) You know her? Rick nods hopefully. Elijah considers it for a moment, then frowns. ELIJAH Ah, screw it. I'd never get anywhere with her. TOAD! FIRE UP THAT INFERNAL YOGURT MACHINE! Toad starts the machine. Elijah pulls the lever and dispenses a bowl full of glowing ointment. He carries it towards Rick, leering maniacally. ELIJAH For years I've strived to create the ultimate monster. The first of a whole new generation of superfreaks! Now I've finally got you, the perfect subject--a real asshole! HA-HA- (he pauses and looks closer at Rick) Wait a minute. Aren't you the guy from "Hey Dude Three-The Beguiling?" RICK Yeah, that's me! ELIJAH You were great in that picture! Oh well, I guess for the next one they'll have to get Christian Slater! HA-HA-HA! 25. Elijah squishes the ointment into Rick's horrified face. CUT TO: EXT. THE LAB - NIGHT The barn looks especially sinister silhouetted against a big green moon. A huge ball of flame belches out of the smoke stack. RICK (O.S.) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGG! DISSOLVE TO: EXT. THE LAB - MORNING It's eerily quiet in the dawn light. INT. LAB Extreme close-up of Rick's eye as it opens, and searches the room frantically. Close-up of Rick's hand--a normal hand-- straining at the bonds. RICK's POV groggily searches the lab, and picks up the blurred image of Elijah in the distance. He's on the phone, speaking in hushed tones. ELIJAH This is Red Swan. May I speak to the Laughing Man?... Yes, I'll hold. For a moment, Elijah is entertained by hold music to the tune of "Freak Out," by Chic. A man's laughing voice comes on the other end of the line. It laughs throughout the "conversation". ELIJAH Laughing Man? Red Swan. I've done it! I found the perfect subject-- huge ego, shallow personality, almost no moral values... A lawyer? No, better. An actor. Yeah, the guy from those hilarious "Hey Dude" movies! Hahahaha-- Laughing man has stopped laughing. Elijah dummies up. 26. ELIJAH (SHEEPISHLY) Well, I liked 'em. Laughing man resumes laughing. Elijah listens intently. ELIJAH (CONT'D) Right... Yes... Yes, I see... But that's just it. He's not quite, uh, finished. I need more Noxon so I can-- Laughing Man laughs so loudly Elijah has to hold the phone away. ELIJAH (ASIDE) Geez, what a grouch. Over on the slab, Rick groans. He's waking up. Elijah notices. ELIJAH (to Laughing man) Laughing Man? I have to go. What about the Noxon? Two days? Great, you can see everything then... Yeah, you take it easy too. Elijah hangs up the phone, and strides over towards Rick. ELIJAH Wakey, wakey. Time to meet and greet the new you. RICK Huh? He flips the slab right-side up, and holds up a mirror. Rick's eyes widen in terror as he beholds his hideous new form. Rick's left half has been transformed into a hideous, bug-eyed monster! RICK AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! CUT TO: EXT. LAB - MORNING BANG! The doors fly open. Elijah drags Rick out. Horrified, Rick clutches the monster side of his face. 27. RICK Oh God! This was my good side! ELIJAH Still is if you ask me! Hell, even half-done, you'll be the star of the show tonight. Elijah stops in front of the tiny outhouse. ELIJAH (CONT'D) Welcome to your spacious accommodations. He unlocks the door and drags Rick in. INT. OUTHOUSE Oddly, the interior is a vast barracks, fifty feet long and thirty feet high. Rick looks around. RICK (IMPRESSED) Great use of the space. ELIJAH I learned it all from Bob Vila. BOB VILA walks up next to Elijah. BOB You know you could expose those rustic beams and put in a skylight over one weekend, Elijah. ELIJAH Give it a rest, Bob! He pushes Bob away into the freak house, gives Rick a goodbye wink and walks out the door. EXT. OUTHOUSE Elijah pauses and looks at the tiny outhouse. ELIJAH One of these days I gotta put a shitter in there. Bob Vila steps out of nowhere again, holding a Time-Life book. 28. BOB No problem. It's all here in my Beds and Bathrooms book, Elijah. And you pay nothing for thirt-- BONK! Elijah knocks him out cold with a ball-peen hammer from his tool belt. INT. FREAK HOUSE It takes a few moments for Rick's eyes to adjust to the dim light. There's nobody in sight. The walls are lined with dark cubicles, stacked atop each other with walkways like prison cells. Rick staggers to his feet, and makes his way forward. RICK Ernie? Julie? ERNIE Over here, Coog. JULIE Are you alright? Rick sees the vague outline of JulieErnie a few yards away. RICK I know that voice. That's the voice that said, (MIMICS) "Cool, a freak show. Let's check it out!" JULIE What!? Oh sure, blame the woman. Typical. RICK (MIMICS) "It's so real." Is this real enough for you? I'm friggin' Quasimodo! ERNIE Chill out, Coog. You're talking to the original tag team of ugly pukes. Step into the light. RICK Okay, here I come. 29. Rick steps forward into a pool of light. Julie and Ernie are caught by surprise. Julie struggles to keep her composure. Ernie's repulsed. ERNIE ULP! Ernie turns away and pukes on the floor. Julie soldiers on. JULIE Oh geez... It's not so (GULP) revolting. After all, physical beauty is just a socially-enforced myth that we, uh, oh shit... ULPI Julie turns away and pukes on the floor. RICK (OFFENDED) Yeah, well, you're no Mona Lisas yourself. You're lucky I've got a strong stomach! VOICE (O.C.) And you're lucky I don't BITE you! Heh heh heh heh ... Rick wheels around to see JUAN THE DOG BOY, snickering behind him. Juan is a hairy young Mexican with a snout, dog ears, and canine teeth--Scrappy Doo with an attitude. Rick assumes a threatening pose. RICK Get away from me you, you... JUAN Freak? Ha ha hahahaha! (he stares hard at Rick) I am Juan the Dog Boy, leader of the freaks. JULIE (walks up to them) Kind of the "top dog." Juan scratches himself behind the ear with his hind leg. JUAN Welcome to Hell, Rick. Shake? He extends a hand to Rick. Rick doesn't take it. He hears a slight RUSTLING noise from the direction of the cubicles, and turns to look around the apparently empty Freak House. 30. RICK No thanks. I don't plan on staying long. How many of you are there in here anyway? Juan shrugs mischievously and sticks his snout in Rick's face. JUAN First, I have a question for you, Ricardo. Who starred in the film "International Velvet?" RICK Huh? JUAN Well, perhaps we should ask the Worm! The top right cubicle lights up, revealing the WORM. He is a man with no arms and legs, and the wrinkly, slimy body of a worm. His face is learned-looking, with spectacles, a small goatee, and a pipe which he puffs on pompously. JUAN Tell us, Worm, who starred in "International Velvet?" He puffs pensively on his pipe for a second. THE WORM Yes, yes ... very interesting... International Velvet... The perfectly appalling sequel to National Velvet, I believe. No dramatic verisimilitude whatsoever. JUAN Yes, Worm. But who was the star? The worm takes a long, thoughtful drag on his pipe... WORM Olivia DeHavilland. JUAN Olivia DeHavilland... Rick, do you agree or disagree? RICK This is nuts. This is crazy... Besides, it was Tatum O'Neill. 31. JUAN Very good. It was Tatum O'Neill, now married to tennis star John McEnroe. Circle gets the square. The lights come on in 9 of the center cubicles, silhouetting 9 freaks in a full size HOLLYWOOD SQUARES 3 x 3 layout. The FREAKS applaud Rick's success. He's incredulous. OTHER FREAKS Yayyy! Worm nudges an "0" into place in his cubicle, with some difficulty. He's not happy about being proved wrong. WORM Blast. O'Neill ... No talent ragamuffin... JUAN okay, JulieErnie, your turn. Who's it going to be? As Juan names the freaks one by one, their square is highlighted, and they wave at Rick cheerily. JUAN (CONT'D) Nosey the Nose Man! NOSEY is a man whose massive nose dominates his head. He blows into a huge hanky, and waves it wearily at Rick. JUAN (CONTD) Cowboy! COWBOY is a young boy with cow-like features, a cowboy hat, cowboy clothes, and a full set of udders. JUAN (CONT-D) The Bearded Lady! The BEARDED LADY is a big, tough, bearded man--in a blouse. He has lipstick, earrings, and tattoos on his muscular arms. BEARDED LADY (gruff and masculine) How ya' doin. JUAN Sockhead! SOCKHEAD is a freak with a large button-eyed sock puppet for a head. He's munching cookies which ,spill uselessly out of his throatless sock mouth... 32. JUAN The Human Torch! The HUMAN TORCH is a man engulfed in flames. He waves apathetically. JUAN Rosie the Pinhead! ROSIE is a pinhead in dark sunglasses. She has a great bod jammed into a sexy dress. She smokes a cigarette demurely, and waves a small, arrogant big-star wave. JUAN The hideous Frog Man! Frogman is just a guy in a scuba outfit. He strikes a threatening "monster" pose, then gives a friendly wave. JUAN And of course, in the center square, Mr. Paul Lynde! Suddenly the lighting changes to flashing red horror lights with plenty of dark shadows. There's a horrific MUSIC STING and we ZOOM IN to a DECOMPOSING SKELETON in the center cubicle. Its eyeball drips out of the socket. JUAN Well JulieErnie, who will it be? ERNIE Call me old-fashioned, but I'll go with Paul Lynde. JULIE Don't be an idiot. They argue back and forth, hitting and poking each other 3 Stooges style. Juan turns to Rick. JUAN You see, Rick? Just because we're freaks doesn't mean we can't have some fun, huh? Rick is overwhelmed by it all. He backs away. RICK Get away from me. Get away! I'm not like you. You hear me? I'm Ricky Coogan! I AM NOT A FREAK! 33. The Freaks laugh in Rick's face. He storms off. DISSOLVE TO: ANOTHER AREA OF THE FREAK HOUSE--A LITTLE LATER Rick sits in a corner, pondering his fate. Oddly, there's a shiny new Pepsi machine in this dingy corner of the Freak House. JulieErnie approach him. ERNIE Okay Coog, so I get twenty four hour access to T `n' A, and you look like a plate of rancid giblets. We're still pals, right? Rick shoots him a look. JULIE All the freaks have gone through this anguish, Rick. At first, I was blinded by my anger. I admit it. I wanted to break your neck for getting me into this. But I got over it. Juan taught me to channel my anger for the common good. RICK It was your fault, anyway. You wanted to see the freak show. JULIE (FURIOUS) I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP! She tries to wring his neck. Ernie helps. Rick glares at Ernie. RICK Ernie! ERNIE Oh... Sorry, Coog. For a second there, I was a total man-hater. Weird. Julie regains her cool. She takes out a pamphlet, scribbles something on it, and hands it to Rick. JULIE Here. Take it. Rick examines the cover. He reads it aloud. 34. RICK "So You're a Hideous Mutant Freak-- Now What?" There's an "8" scribbled on the pamphlet. JULIE we're in cubicle eight. Maybe later you'll be ready to talk. RICK Forget it. Not me. I'm not like those other god-forsaken animals. He throws the-pamphlet to the ground, just as the Worm, Bearded Lady, and Sockhead approach. They sit down in a circle around him. The Worm looks down at the pamphlet and puffs thoughtfully on his pipe. WORM You're mistaken, Rick. You are exactly like us. We were all normal healthy folk before we made the fateful mistake of visiting this hell hole at an off hour. Why, when I first came here... WAVY FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FREAK COMPOUND - THE PAST The Worm, as an OXFORD PROFESSOR, is wandering around the grounds, taking notes and puffing on his pipe. WORM (V.O.) I was a professor of lacrophylogy-- er, the study of worms, of course. I came in search of the Epsosophecci dilepsidae--in layman terms, the fat pudgy worm. Mr. Skuggs said he had just such a worm in his shed. How could I have surmised that the specimen and I would ultimately prove to be one and the same? We see professor Worm meet Elijah, and follow him into the lab. The smoke stack belches a plume of flames as we hear his off-camera screams. DISSOLVE back to.. THE FREAK HOUSE--NOW The Worm finishes his tale. 35. WORM At first, the transformation was fabulous. I truly understood the worm's ethos like never before. But those early days of fascination are over. Now, in retrospect, I think the whole thing is a fucking headache. I'd sell my soul just to be able to wipe my own ass... He sniffles a little, but manages to hold back the tears. We pan to Sockhead. SOCKHEAD I first came here as a tourist, looking for some fun... FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN A lanky TOURIST, obviously Sockhead in better days. He approaches Elijah. SOCKHEAD (V.O.) Anyway, then Elijah turned me into a sock. That's it. INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW Sockhead shrugs apologetically. SOCKHEAD Sorry. I'm not much for stories. The camera moves in on the BEARDED LADY. BEARDED LADY When I arrived here, I was nothing like I am now. FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN The bearded lady (as a man) steps out of the cab of his eighteen-wheeler. He looks very much like he does now, except he has no lipstick or earrings. 36. BEARDED LADY (V.O.) I was confused--a walking contradiction, so full of questions. INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW He finishes his story. BEARDED LADY/MAN Now I know who I am. I can say, "Hey world. This is me. I'm a woman. And I like me." The others look at the bearded man uneasily. The camera pans past the Bearded Lady, and moves in on an ordinary HAMMER lying on the ground. FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY Happy music. The hammer is placed on a shelf by a friendly STOCKBOY. The music turns tense as Elijah appears and scans the shelf. He makes eye contact with the hammer, and smiles. He grabs the hammer roughly and shoves it in a plastic bag. Darkness. EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN The bag opens, Elijah reaches in and takes out the hammer. The music turns to Psycho-like string stabs as Elijah uses the hammer to smash in a nail. INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW Everyone looks at the hammer sympathetically. Rick turns away to wipe a tear from his eye. WORM You are one of us now, Rick. Whether you admit it or not. It's irrefutable. RICK Yeah. Says you. The worm shakes his head. The freaks turn and head back to their cubicles. Rick exchanges a look with Julie before she and Ernie turn and head off. 37. Rick is left alone, staring pensively at the hammer. TIME DISSOLVE TO: Hours later, Rick is still staring at the hammer. He picks it up and stares at it more closely. TIME DISSOLVE TO: Hours later. Rick is still staring at the damn hammer. He nods with resolve. RICK (TO HAMMER) You're right. He spots the pamphlet on the ground, picks it up, dusts it off. He opens it and begins to read, under the heading "1. It's Fun Being Ugly!"... Rick closes the pamphlet, looks at the number "8" Julie scribbled, and nods with a sense of purpose. Standing up, he throws the hammer carelessly aside into the muck, and walks towards the cubicles. CUT TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY Rick walks past the cubicles. In one, the Bearded Lady knits a sweater... He reaches cubicle 8, and is about to speak when he hears Julie giggling. There is a man's voice, but not Ernie's. It's Juan. Rick peeks around and sees Julie scratching Juan's belly. He licks her face happily, and she giggles with delight. Ernie is reading "The Woman's Room," trying not to notice all of this. Rick watches, disgusted. He tears up the pamphlet, throws it to the ground, and storms off to find his own cubicle. Ernie peeks at Julie and Juan continuing their foreplay. Juan stops abruptly. JUAN Hey. Mind your business. ERNIE Sorry. 38. Ernie returns to his book. The camera PANS up to Rick's cubicle. He's sitting on his cot, distractedly whittling a log with his knife-like talon. He talks to himself, making sure to be loud enough for JulieErnie and Juan to hear. RICK Well that EES guy should rescue me any minute. Then it's straight to the plastic surgeon and back to sunny old L.A. I wonder how many of my beautiful, anatomically correct girlfriends will be waiting for me. STUEY GLUCK (V.O.) I'll be waiting for you, Rick! RICK Thanks, Stuey. Rick looks up and sees a holographic image of Stuey Gluck floating in the air above him. RICK AHH! A phantom troll! He swings the log wildly at the hologram, but it keeps darting around, dodging the blows. Cowboy leans around the cubicle wall. He talks a lot like Gomer Pyle. COWBOY (NEIGHBORLY) Seeing phantom trolls, Rick? RICK (INNOCENTLY) No. Rick stops swinging, lamely pretends he was stretching, and ignores Stuey, who hovers around him. COWBOY Sounds to me like you've developed a telepathic bond. Don't mean yer nuts or nuthin'. Heck, old Nosey, why he can smell the future. Lots of us freaks got E.S.P. And Sockhead, he's got E.S.P.N. He points at Sockhead, who's watching pro wrestling on a portable TV. SOCKHEAD Watch out, Hulk! He's gonna try the skull cracker! 39. COWBOY Shucks, Rick, you're lucky. Telepathy like yours only occurs between real soulmates. A bond like that should be cherished. Cowboy smiles and ducks back into his own cubicle. STUEY Wow! I'm Ricky Coogan's soulmate! RICK In your dreams! Now get lost, troll! He swings wildly at the hologram, which starts to break up and fade away. STUEY (FADING AWAY) Wait'll I tell the kids at school! Stuey disappears. Cowboy leans into Rick's cubicle again. COWBOY Shucksm Rick, it don't make sense to spurn your soulmate. I reckon that troll could help you if you just let him into your heart. Rick scoffs at him and starts whittling again. CUT TO: INT. STUEY'S ROOM - DAY It's a cramped room filled with Ricky Coogan memorabilia. Stuey is drawing a crude sketch of Rick on a pad. This sequence is set to brassy "man on a mission" music. STUEY Once America sees what happened to Ricky, they'll probably send the whole FBI down to save him! CUT TO: INT. L.A. TIMES HALLWAY Stuey marches towards a frosted glass door that reads "THE LOS ANGELES TIMES". 40. STUEY I'll probably win a Pulitzer prize for this scoop. And I'll dedicate it to Rick! He walks through the door. Beat. SMASH! He comes flying out through the glass and lands on his butt. THE "TIME MAGAZINE" DOOR--SMASH! Stuey flies out through it. THE "U.S.A. TODAY" DOOR--SMASH! Stuey flies out through it. THE "WEEKLY WORLD NEWS" DOOR--We see Stuey and an EDITOR silhouetted against the glass. EDITOR (V.0.) Of course I'll print it! America needs to know! Burt! Give mister Gluck his fee and show him out. STUEY (V.0.) That's okay. I know the way. SMASH! Stuey dives through the glass door. CUT TO: EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY Stuey proudly reads the weekly world News. The front page features Stuey's story and his sketch of Rick. STUEY (READING ALOUD) "Freaky Deaky! Ricky Coogan's a mutant in South America! By Stuart S. Gluck." (to NEWSSTAND GUY) That's me! Suddenly two GOONS in dark suits snatch the paper away from Stuey. They grab him and force him into a limousine. INT. LIMOUSINE The Goons hold Stuey in between them.'He's terrified. we hear the low, menacing chuckle of the Laughing Man, who's off screen. The camera is his POV. LAUGHING MAN Heh heh heh heh hehh heh. 41. STUEY Sure I wrote the article. But-- LAUGHING MAN Ha-ha-ha! STUEY No. You've got it all wrong. I don't know anything about that. You gotta believe me. LAUGHING MAN Ho-ho-hahahaha hee hee hoohaaa! THE LIMO cruises off down the street. We hear a POWER DRILL, Stuey's SCREAMS, and Laughing Man's hearty CACKLE from inside. CUT TO: INT. RICK'S CUBICLE - NIGHT Rick has whittled his log down to a toothpick. He admires it, then leans over and fits it into an intricate three-foot scale model of the Eiffel Tower, made entirely out of toothpicks. The Human Torch walks by. HUMAN TORCH Wow, what a great model! (he points at a toothpick) But look, this one's crooked. He reaches out to fix it and--WOOF! The whole model burns to a cinder. Rick looks at him hatefully. HUMAN TORCH (STUPIDLY) Sorry. Elijah steps into the freakhouse. ELIJAH Alright, freaks! Get ready for the glamour! Get ready for the glitz! Get ready to be pelted with rotten vegetables, 'cause it's showtime! CUT TO: 42. EXT. CARNIVAL TENT Elijah, looking natty in his Ringmaster suit, stands at the entrance, barking to various people who are drifting in. ELIJAH It's grisly! It's revolting! It'll make you wish you were dead! And at just twelve bucks a head, you can bring all the kids! We follow a KINDLY FATHER through the curtained entrance. OOF! He collapses, a knife embedded in his chest, revealing the total mayhem... INSIDE THE TENT The motley crowd (LOCALS, sleazy looking MOBSTERS, rogue BIKERS, wayward HIPPIES, and JAPANESE TOURISTS, etc.) is brawling and drinking and having a heck of a time. Some small displays and a few carnival booths are set up around the sides of the tent. There's a "PETTING ZOO" where a KID is petting a two-tailed-no-headed dog. And there's a "HEAVY PETTING ZOO" where a GUY is french kissing a six- legged goat. A CLOWN sits in a dunk tank, heckling the customers. The sign says "DUNK ME IN ACID!" CLOWN C'mon, my granny could throw better than you! He's talking to an OLD LADY, who throws a baseball, hits the target, and dunks the clown into the foaming bath of carbolic acid. We hear his gurgling screams, then his bony hand reaches up out of the bath. Elijah walks out on stage and looks at the rowdy audience. It's total mayhem. ELIJAH (CALMLY) Quiet, please. Everyone instantly sits down, shuts up, and looks up obediently at Elijah. 43. ELIJAH Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness a cavalcade of atrocities so horrific, I advise the more sensitive members of our audience to leave the premises. Two SENSITIVE LOOKING MEN wearing sweaters draped over their shoulders politely get up and leave. ELIJAH Tonight I'm proud to announce the addition of several new monstrosities to the show, including our star attraction, the Beast Boy--an untamed and highly dangerous ghoul who's liable to go nuts and kill us all at the drop of a hat. (impressed "oohs", "ahhs", and "cools" from the AUDIENCE) But first up, prepare to behold an unspeakably repulsive yet heartwarming atrocity, Three Men and a Baby! THREE MEN AND A BABY, all fused into a single multi-limbed freak, walks out onstage. One of its arms holds up a dirty diaper, and all the three men hold their noses and grimace. The audience breaks into warm-hearted laughter and applause. BACKSTAGE The freaks mill around in the caged-in green room, guarded by Toad. Frogman, dressed in a magician's outfit over his wetsuit, holds an empty dove cage and searches the room, whistling for his missing dove. Nosey sneezes up a cloud of feathers. JulieErnie walk determinedly towards the adjacent Men's and Women's restrooms... BONK! They hit the wall between the two doors. Rick is reading his "script", rehearsing his lines. He's wearing a cheesy "jungle" costume. RICK Arrrggg. I am Beast Boy. I will eat you. Arrrghh. (he throws down the SCRIPT) I can't do this shit! He peers through the bars, scanning the audience for signs.of a rescue party. 44. RICK Damn it! What's keeping those guys? The Worm creeps up behind Rick. WORM Something's troubling you, my boy. what is it? RICK Well, let's see. I've been kidnapped, hideously disfigured, imprisoned with a bunch of mutant freaks, my rescue party is M.I.A., and this dialogue makes "Hey Dude Three" read like "Dr. Zhivago." WORM I think I know what you're going through. I too had an eating disorder. You see, I've always had a feverish obsession with pudding. And when I was a young lad... Rick groans and looks out at the audience. ELIJAH onstage. ELIJAH And now a perennial favorite here at Freakland, ladies and gentlemen. I know you'll all enjoy the musical stylings of Rosie the Pinhead. Rosie the Pinhead struts out wearing a sexy dress and holding a microphone. After the applause dies down, she whips off her sunglasses with a flourish, revealing her extremely goofy- looking crossed eyes. She wails incomprehensibly and bonks her head with the mic. ROSIE (DROOLING) EEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIEEEEEE... A series of WIPES show bits of various acts as the evening WEARS ON: ERNIE/JULIE are doing a Vaudeville style stand-up routine while tap dancing. 45. ERNIE Hey Julie, how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? JULIE How many? ERNIE Two. One to screw it in and one to ride my Rodney! Ha-ha-ha! JULIE Oaf! She bonks him with their cane. He bonks her back. She knocks him cold. They both fall down. THE BEARDED LADY is doing a make-over demonstration. He's got a local GIRL from the audience sitting at a makeup table onstage. BEARDED LADY If your coloring is in the autumn range, like Maria's, try an earth tone eye makeup. Now I've done a lovely French braid on Maria, but I encourage everyone to experiment and use your imagination. The main thing is to just have fun with it. The audience is engrossed. Some take notes. SOCKHEAD is ringing those "tuned bells" and singing along. SOCKHEAD Edelweiss, Edelweiss. He takes a bow but his sock is snagged on the mic stand. It pulls off and reveals a normal-sized hand where the sockhead was--he's actually a hand-head! The audience gasps. A MAN gets up and points accusingly. MAN He's got a hand under there! SOMEONE ELSE It's a hoax! Sockhead realizes he's unveiled and tries to hide his hand- head with his other hands. The crowd starts jeering and pelting Sockhead with rotten vegetables. He gives them the finger with all three hands. Elijah tries to calm them. 46. ELIJAH Puppetteering is an admirable skill in its own right! Give him his due! THE CROWD Where's the beast boy you promised us!? Bring on the beast boy! We want the beast boy! (etc.) BACKSTAGE The Worm is still talking to Rick. We can hear the crowd screaming for him in the background. WORM And when I won first prize, they never called me pudding-head again. RICK So? WORM Don't you see? You must turn your hardship into inspiration! You're an actor, Rick! Your body is your instrument, and with it you must play your tragic symphony for all the world! Rick is really moved. Elijah pokes his head backstage. ELIJAH (TO RICK) They're going nuts for you, Beast Boy! You better go out there now! He starts to take off his jungle costume. RICK (determined, inspired) I'll be right there. (TO WORM) Thank you Worm. I don't really know how I can repay you for this. WORM (SINCERE) You could wipe my ass. RICK (thinks Worm is joking) Ha-ha! Always the wit, eh Worm? 47. Rick claps him on the back and walks off. Worm is disappointed. WORM (TO HIMSELF) Damn. (he turns to Nosey) Nosey, have I ever told you what a gifted artist you are? Nosey gives him a worried look. ONSTAGE The spotlight reveals Rick, centerstage, poised in Shakespearean garb. The crowd quiets down and focuses on Rick with great respect and awe. A truly dramatic silence. Rick pauses for effect and then launches into a soliloquy with bravura. RICK Now is the winter of our discontent, Made glorious summer by this son of York, But I that am not shaped for sportive tricks, Nor made to court an amorous looking glass, I, that am curtailed of this fair proportion, Cheated of feature by dissembling nature, The audience is riveted. Even Spanish-speaking peasants are mouthing the words. Elijah, however, thumbs through his script, totally confused. The freaks watch through the bars from the wings--completely engrossed, especially Julie. Juan notices this and pulls her closer to him, but she pushes him away. We move in on an erudite British gentlemen in the crowd. By God! It's ALISTAIR COOKE! He turns to camera. Subtitle: ALISTAIR COOKE. ALISTAIR COOKE (SOTTO VOCE) If you're having trouble understanding Mr. Coogan's brilliant reading of this soliloquy from Richard the Third, please take advantage of the handy subtitles for the culturally illiterate. 48. A FILTHY PEASANT sitting next to Cooke is trying to listen to Rick. He turns angrily to Cooke. FILTHY PEASANT SHHH! Cooke turns back to the stage. The words in brackets appear as SUBTITLES. RICK Deformed, unfinished, sent before my time, {I'M UGLY} Into this breathing world, scarse half made up, {I'M REALLY UGLY} And that so lamely and unfashionable, That dogs bark at me as I halt by them. {I'M F KIN' BUTT-UGLY, ALRIGHT!?} Why I, in this weak piping time of peace, {BLAH, BLAH, BLAH} Have no delight to pass away the time, {I NEVER GET LAID...} Unless to see my shadow in the sun, And descant on mine own deformity! {BECAUSE I'M UGLY} Rick bows. The crowd bursts into applause. They yell "Bravo" and throw bouquets. Rick takes several curtain calls. The freaks cheer for him. Julie is particularly moved--she and Rick exchange a heavy look, laden with romantic potential. NOTE: We will insert an almost subliminal one-frame shot of the Pepsi logo at this triumphant moment. Kevin, the EES executive from the airport scene, walks into the tent. Rick sees him and gasps with joy. He leaps off the stage, runs up to Kevin and hugs him. Kevin is shocked, of course. Overcome by the moment, Rick regresses to his old self. RICK I'm saved! Haha! You sorry mutants are gonna rot in this hole while I'm sipping mint juleps by the pool! {AS FORTUNE SMILES O'ER MY FATE, SO DESTINY SPURNS YOUR ACCURSE'D PATE} The freaks and the audience gasp at Rick's cruelty. Julie is shocked--Juan gives her an "I told you so" look. Rick sees Julie and catches himself. 49. RICK (TO KEVIN) I mean, um, I hope you have room for all my friends, heh-heh. KEVIN Rick, Rick, listen, I really love this new look you've come up with. But just between you and me, I don't think the guys upstairs would really get it. RICK What are you saying!? KEVIN (CHUCKLES SNIDELY) I'm saying you're ugly enough to burn the nosehairs off a dead nun. The crowd bursts into cruel hysterics, pointing mockingly at Rick. Even Alistair Cooke is practically choking with laughter. ALISTAIR COOKE AH-HA-HA-HA! WHAT A PUTZ! Rick looks around, horrified at the sea of evil, jeering faces. He begins to tremble. Then... RICK'S MONSTER EYE springs to life for the first time and glows red with rage. His whole monster side awakens and takes charge of his body with violent intensity. He grabs Kevin's head and screams in a new, monstrous voice. RICK EAT SHIT! POP! He plucks Kevin's head off his neck and holds it aloft. The head stares down at Rick in disbelief. KEVIN'S HEAD Now you're just being childish. Rick serves the head like a volleyball, smashing it to bits. The crowd panics and charges for the exits. CROWD AHHHHHH! HELP! LET US OUT OF HERE! People are trampling over each other in the mayhem. Alistair Cooke is crushed under the stampede. 50. The freaks are horrified. Monster Rick growls triumphantly. Elijah looks on, intrigued. ELIJAH Now that's entertainment. INT. FREAK HOUSE - MORNING Rick awakens with a start and gets up. He approaches JulieErnie, The Bearded Lady, Nosey and Dog Boy, who are idly playing a game of "Wheel of Fortune." The cubicles contain large blank blocks, like the "letters" on the game show. So far, there's a "D", two "S"s, and a "K" revealed. Rosie the Pinhead plays Vanna White's role. NOSEY I'd like to buy a vowel. The Bearded lady yawns. Rick edges towards them. RICK Hey. The Wheel. Mind if I sit in? Juan advances towards Rick, sneering. JUAN So. Now you don't mind mixing with us--how did you say it--sorry mutants? RICK Look! I'm sorry for what happened at the show. Can't you just forget it? He shakes his finger at Juan, and notices there's still a human nose stuck on his monster claw. He wipes it off, embarrassed. There's an awkward pause. Ernie breaks the silence. ERNIE Hey, shouldn't you tell Rick about your big escape plan? Juan gives Ernie a nasty "shut up" look. He growls at him. ERNIE Well, excuse me for living. RICK You have an escape plan? JUAN Listen, Beast Boy, the games are a simple diversion. (MORE) 51. JUAN(CONT'D) Beneath our twisted flesh we freaks cry out for freedom! Aooooooorrraaaagh! Juan howls lustily. He looks to rest of the freaks. They're a pathetic lot, and their half-hearted howl proves it. FREAKS Aoo... Beat. JULIE Juan's plan is really ingenious Rick. See, he figured out that-- JUAN I figured out that our escape does not include the Beast Boy. No one may discuss the plan with him, understand? Juan gives the others a threatening look. They mumble agreement. RICK What's the matter with all of you? You trust your lives to a guy just 'cause he can lick his own privates? The freaks ponder this a second, then nod "yes". ERNIE You gotta admit, Coog, it's a helluva trick. RICK (RESENTFUL) Fine! I'll just come up with an escape plan of my own then. JUAN Haha! I have spent a year studying this hellhole, devising the perfect escape. You think you'll just tango right out the door!? Ha! Just try it, amigo. RICK I will! Rick turns to go. JulieErnie rush over and try to reason with him quietly. 52. JULIE Rick, wait. ERNIE Yeah. Don't go off half-cocked. Believe me, it ain't all it's cracked up to be. JULIE This isn't one of your dumb movies, Coogan. Look, Juan's a good dog, a smart dog. I'll talk to him. Don't be stupid, Rick. You can't do it without us. RICK Forget it! I don't need you, EES, or anybody else! I'll get out of here all by myself, you... you.,. crud sucking pus monkeys! DING DING DING! The letters in the Wheel of Fortune board light up, and ROSIE turns them over to reveal "Crud Sucking Pus Monkeys" as the secret phrase. Everyone claps despite themselves. Juan stares them down. They stop. Rick storms off in a huff. Juan takes Julie's hand and gazes deep into her eyes. He kisses her passionately. Julie is watching Rick leave. Juan nibbles her neck, which gets her attention. She scratches Juan behind his ear. His leg instinctively kicks the air. Ernie looks worried. ERNIE I'm getting a bad feeling here. CUT TO: INT. REAR CORNER OF FREAK HOUSE - DAY Out of sight from the others, Rick approaches the rear door and tries it. It doesn't open from the inside. RICK Damn. He peers out through a crack in the door and sees a MILKMAN getting out of his truck in the driveway. RICK (TO MILKMAN) Psst! Hey, you. Milkman! 53. OUTSIDE The milkman looks over at the outhouse, suspicious. MILKMAN Yeah... ? RICK (V.0.) Just the man I'm lookinq for. Be a pal, and give me a hand will ya? MILKMAN Oooh no! I know you freaks. You'll try anything just to get someone to open that door. Well not me! Ha! He's about to walk away. RICK Okay. Guess I'll just have to milk the world's biggest breasted woman all by myself. Sorry to bother you. The milkman stops in his tracks. He tiptoes over to the back door of the outhouse, listening intently as Rick goes into his "act." RICK (in a lusty womanish VOICE) Ooohh... Milk me! Milk me now! Milk me hard! (Normal Rick voice) I've only got two hands, all right? Geez. I don't care if Elijah did give you skim milk on the right side, chocolate on the left, and eggnog in the middle. The milkman is salivating at the door. MILKMAN (TO HIMSELF) Gee, I love eggnog! The milkman opens the door eagerly and steps inside. Beat. MILKMAN Hey, what the-- BONK. We hear the sound of bottled buttermilk beaning his soft noggin. Rick walks out wearing the milkman outfit complete with the little six-milk-bottle-carrier thing. 54. He looks around and heads for the milk truck, whistling casually. He notices something. It's ... THE GIANT ELIJAH HEAD Its big eyes are staring at Rick (note: there's a skywriter plane in the distance behind the head, which finishes writing "YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE BABY: PEPSI") Rick gets to the truck and tries the door. It's locked. RICK Shit. He looks over at the giant head. The eyes are still staring at him--they seem to have shifted. Rick shrugs it off and looks around. He walks over to Elijah's car. It's locked too. He checks the big eyes. They've moved again. Rick's getting a bit desperate. He sees something else and runs towards it. It's a dry-docked motorboat. It's locked too. The eyes have followed Rick again. He sees something else and runs over to it. It's a bag of golf clubs leaning against Elijah's porch. They're locked too. RICK Damn! This guy doesn't trust anybody! He looks at the giant head- the eyes are gone, leaving only empty eyesockets! Rick hears A BURST OF MACHINEGUN FIRE behind him, spins around and faces ... TWO THREE FOOT HIGH EYEBALLS with little arms and legs, wearing Jamaican Rasta hats and aiming smoking Uzi 9mms in the air. They aim their Uzis at Rick. One holds a walkie-talkie, the other holds a big spliff. RICK AHHHH! A T.V. MONITOR in Elijah's hands, shows Rick staring at us, the Eye's POV. ELIJAH seen in extreme close-up, watches the surveillance monitor. He speaks into a microphone. We don't see what the room looks like. ELIJAH Good work, Eye and Eye. 55. THE EYES bob in response to Elijah. They have no mouths, but their pupils open and close when they speak. EYE AND EYE (JAMAICAN ACCENTS) Rastafari. ELIJAH (V.0.) (over the walkie-talkie) Now bring the Beast Boy to my, uh, den. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Rick looks worried as they lead him towards the scary looking house. INT. ELIJAH'S DEN It's a lovely, suburban den with a coffee table full of magazines like "Better Homes and Gardens," "National Review" and "Freaks Illustrated". Elijah sits in a big Barcalounger, smoking a pipe. Rick sits on the sofa. Toad walks up with a tray of soft drinks. ELIJAH (TO RICK) Diet soda? RICK No thanks. Elijah points to a bowl of Fiddle Faddle. Toad sits beside Rick. ELIJAH Fiddle Faddle? (Rick shakes his head) You sure? RICK Well, okay. (he scoops some into his MOUTH) Well, are you gonna torture me or kill me or something? ELIJAH Torture my greatest creation ever!? Kill the final piece of the puzzle that I've been putting together for years!? Sure, it'd be fun, but I've got a bigger plan, my boy. (MORE) 56. ELIJAH(CONT'D) And when you ripped off that guy's head, I knew it was working like gangbusters! RICK But I thought I scared everyone away. ELIJAH Uh-huh. And then they told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on. Look at this. Elijah grabs a big mail bag and spills some letters out on the table. Elijah opens one and reads it. ELIJAH (READING) Dear Mister Skuggs, I was shocked and disgusted when my grandson told me about the head-popping beast at your show. Please send me six tickets. (he reads another) Dear Beast Boy, I used to like New Kids on The Block, but you're way cuter. My favorite ice cream is chocolate. Is it fun ripping people's heads off? I love you. (ANOTHER LETTER) The Beast Boy is on a blood-letting spree, and Oscar is along for the ride! (he looks up at Rick) That one's from Pat Collins! RICK Yeah, but she loves everything. Rick reaches for the Fiddle Faddle but the bowl is empty. Toad BURPS. ELIJAH Toad! That Fiddle Faddle is for guests only! You've had enough! Toad is blankfaced. Elijah walks over and refills the bowl. Rick scoops some into his mouth. Elijah walks to the fireplace and pushes the embers around with a poker. RICK Look Skuggs--Elijah--I've been in show business all my life. The public does not want to see disgusting, depraved violent filth. 57. ELIJAH Oh, and I suppose Jake and the Fatman is just a fluke? The phone rings. Elijah looks at it, and back to Rick. ELIJAH (CONT'D) I'll get it. He goes over to the phone and lifts the receiver. ELIJAH `Yello? On the other end of the line, we hear LAUGHING MAN's insane chuckle. Elijah's smooth smile fades. He turns his back to- Rick, who strains to identify the familiar laughing voice. Elijah scribbles notes on a pad by the phone. ELIJAH Yes... Right... Tomorrow... Mmhmm... Mnunhmm... Wow. Okay. You got it... Hasta la vista to you too. Hahaahahaahaha-- Laughing Man hangs up on Elijah. He looks a little pissed- off as he turns to face Rick again. Grumbling, he takes the poker in hand, and pokes at the coals angrily. ELIJAH Okay, Coogan. I'm finished with you for now. Ricky rises and snatches the notepad just before Elijah spins to face him. ELIJAH (CONT'D) But listen. I may not be "Mr. Tinseltown", but I damn well know what I like. You're gonna be a hideous killing machine, and that's final! Tomorrow night I'll finish the job onstage! And then, to demonstrate your horrible power, you'll slaughter all the old obsolete freaks in cold bl--HEY! Elijah thrusts the red hot fire poker out and ZAP! He catches Toad's ten foot tongue--curled around the searing poker inches from the Fiddle Faddle. TOAD AAAGGGGHH! 58. ELIJAH I told you enough! CUT TO: EXT. ELIJAH'S HOUSE DAY Elijah shows Rick out the door. The Eyes scurry out and leap back into the sockets in the giant head. ELIJAH Bye-bye. And remember, try another escape, and I'll feed your balls to Toad. As he walks towards the Freak House, Rick pulls out the note he pocketed. A gust of wind blows it away from him. He chases it behind the carnival tent where... KKCCLIINNK! He runs into ELEVEN PHONY MILKMEN, backing their way around the corner, each carrying their own six-pack of milkbottles. Startled, they turn around. Why, it's the freaks! And they're all dressed as milkmen! Cowboy carries the hammer, who's dressed in a little milkman suit as well. BEARDED LADY Hey Rick, I thought you were gonna come up with your own escape plan? RICK (TO JUAN) This is your big plan? A dozen milkmen? Isn't that a little unusual? Juan hadn't thought of this. He pushes himself forward and confronts Rick viciously. JUAN Twelve milkmen is theoretically possible. Thirteen is silly. Looks like one milkman too many, Coogan. He pushes Rick aside. The freaks continue past him. RICK Fine then. Go ahead. Hope you like reggae, ya flea bitten bastard. Rick watches as the Freaks approach the open courtyard, where he knows the Eyeballs will spot them. 59. Julie glances at him a second, then looks away. His mind made up, Rick takes a deep breath. RICK Ah, shit. He runs over to the Freaks. He stands in Juan's way. RICK Look, you'll all be killed. You don't know about Elijah's giant Rasta eyeballs with machine guns... (they think he's nuts) It's suicide! I can't let you do it. JUAN And I can't let you stop us. This is it. Rick and Juan square off. Juan growls and bares his teeth. Rick's MONSTER EYE starts to glow and pulse dimly. They circle each other. The others are transfixed. ELIJAH'S POV He peers through a side window, and sees the pack of milkmen cheering two of their coworkers, locked in mortal combat. ELIJAH That's a lot of milkmen on the same route. No wonder they fight. Juan rears back, about to lunge, when suddenly he freezes and looks off into the distance. A SQUIRREL is sitting innocently a few yards off. JUAN Squirrel! He zooms off after the squirrel. The Eyes pop out of the giant head and follow after him, Uzis FIRING. Juan dodges their bullets and disappears after his prey. The freaks watch their best chance of freedom run off after a pesky rodent. They turn to Rick. NOSEY Wow, giant Rasta eyeballs, just like Rick said. SOCKHEAD Gosh, if it wasn't for Rick, we'd all be dead! 60. OTHER FREAKS Yeah! Way to go Rick! Alright! ERNIE (TO JULIE) God, I can't believe he left you for a squirrel. What a dick. Julie's hurt. She doesn't even smack Ernie. RICK You know how men are. Besides, it was a pretty good looking squirrel. Julie looks at Rick. She sees he's trying to be helpful, not sarcastic. JULIE (to the others) Come on. You heard the Beast Boy. Back to the Freak House, now. Her eyes meet Rick's. She manages a smile, and Rick smiles back. Ernie sizes up the situation and groans as they all head back to the Freak House. ERNIE Not again. (TO RICK) Oh well, at least we'll get to try a new position. CUT TO: INT. STARK INTERROGATION ROOM We're moving in towards a door in this desolate, vaguely corporate looking hallway. INSIDE THE ROOM We're looking at the back of Laughing Man's leather chair. We hear his CACKLE, as well as STUEY GLUCK'S TORTURED SCREAMS and a horrible POWER TOOL NOISE. We can see the usual bright interrogation spotlight, and a couple of extra GOONS watching the goings on, but Stuey and his actual torturer are hidden by Laughing Man's chair. STUEY (O.S.) AHHHHH! STOP IT! OOOWWWWW! We move past Mr. Big's chair to reveal Stuey lying face down on a table, while Bob Vila is using a power sander on his butt. Bob is happily giving pointers to the two goons. 61. BOB Notice the way I use an elliptical motion to chafe Stuey's buttocks. (the Goons nod ATTENTIVELY) It's all here in my new book: Pipes, Fixtures, and Torturing TROLLS-- LAUGHING MAN(O.S.) (Loud, sharp laugh) A-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA! Bob obediently shuts up. Laughing Man directs a sinister low chuckle to Stuey. STUEY No way. I'll never talk! I'm made of stone! Bob considers this a second, then starts up a jackhammer. STUEY HELP! RICK! RIIIIIIIIIICCKKK! CUT TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY We hear LONESOME HARMONICA MUSIC as we pan past the cubicles. Cowboy is playing the harmonica... The Bearded Lady unties the pretty pink ribbon in his hair and sets it aside... Suddenly, we switch to HORRIFIC PSYCHO STINGS as the camera picks up PAUL LYNDE'S CORPSE with flashing red lights. His eyeball drips out of the socket again... Then it's back to the SAD HARMONICA MUSIC. In the next cubicle, Ernie is sleeping, Julie is awake, dreamily fondling a large eclair. She looks longingly up towards Rick's cubicle as we... DREAM DISSOLVE TO: DREAMLAND Rick (his face is normal) and Julie kiss passionately in a billowy white bed amidst puffy clouds. 62. RICK (SINCERE) Julie, compared to this, sex with Julia Roberts was a thankless chore. QUICK DISSOLVE BACK TO: JULIE' We follow her gaze, panning up to Rick. He's lying on his bed, dreamily fondling a donut. He looks down towards Julie's cabin... DREAM DISSOLVE TO: DREAMLAND Rick and Julie kiss passionately. We're tight on them. JULIE Oh Rick, you've touched a place in me no one has ever touched before. ERNIE(O.S.) I'll say! Almost punctured a kidney! WIDEN to show Ernie, still attached to Julie, leering at Rick. Rick is mortified. QUICK DREAM DISSOLVE TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY Rick sits in his cubicle, visibly sickened by his daydream. Stuey's echoey voice drifts in. STUEY(V.0.) Rick! Riiiicccck! A holographic image of Stuey lying on the torture table appears over Rick. We can see the jackhammer looming over Stuey's face. Rick looks alarmed. STUEY HOLOGRAM Rick! Do something! It's up to you, Rick! Pleeeeeeease! LAUGHING MAN (O.S) Aha-hee-hee-ho-ho-har-har-har! 63. RICK The Laughing Man! Rick watches the hologram break up and disappear. Wheels spinning in his head, he takes the crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and reads it. RICK (under his breath) Holy shit! JULIE/ERNIE'S CUBICLE Julie and Ernie are struggling over a bottle of deodorant. ERNIE It says it's strong enough for a man! JULIE But it's made for a woman! She grabs it away and shoves it in Ernie's mouth. Rick walks in. JULIE Hey Rick. What's up? RICK Read this. I grabbed it from Skuggs' office. He hands her the notepaper. She reads it, with some difficulty. Ernie is still gagging on deodorant. JULIE "Tape Donahue... Renew Subscription to Beaver World..." Eeuw! She gives Rick a disgusted look. Ernie mumbles with the deodorant in his mouth. ERNIE (interested, muffled) Beaver World!? Julie smacks him--he swallows the deodorant. RICK (TO JULIE) After that. 64. JULIE "Prepare demonstration for Laughing Man, receive five thousand barrels of Noxon." Five thousand barrels!? RICK Elijah's up to something big, and we have to stop him. Ernie BELCHES. Rick sniffs the air. RICK Mmmm. Jasmine. SWISH PAN TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY Rick takes a deep breath, and begins his presentation to the freaks assembled before him. RICK Alright guys, listen up-- Sockhead suddenly freaks out. SOCKHEAD We're done for! We're done for! I don't want to die! It's the end of the world! The apocalypse! Aahh! He stops. Everyone is staring at him. RICK I haven't said anything yet. SOCKHEAD Sorry. I'm not much for timing. He takes his seat again. RICK (TO EVERYONE) Tomorrow night, at the show, I'll be turned into a homicidal monster and forced to kill you all. But we might have a chance if we act fast. And I'm prepared to be your new leader. A THRILLING CHORD. 65. NOSEY (TO SOCKHEAD) I say we kill him. Sockhead nods. RICK And I've got a plan. ANOTHER THRILLING CHORD. NOSEY I still say we kill him. Sockhead nods again. RICK If we can get into Elijah's lab, maybe we can-- WORM Of course! Design a super freak of our own and manipulate the genetic code to make him destroy Elijah instead of us! Brilliant! RICK Oh. Well-- BEARDED LADY But how do we get to the lab? RICK Um, maybe-- COWBOY Right! The worm could dig a tunnel! WORM By God, it's so crazy it might just work! ERNIE But you need Noxon 24 to make the freaking sludge, and Elijah told us himself he's run out of it. RICK Oh. Oh yeah. Well, see, what I was going to say was-- 66. JULIE Yes! Exactly! If they've been using Noxon 24 as a fertilizer here, the entire ecosystem must be soaked with it! All we need is a way to extract it from the vegetation, ideally into a liquid form. RICK Right. Well, what about-- COWBOY Golly! So that's why my milk comes out that funny green color! I thought the grass tasted funny! Wow, Rick, you're a genius! JULIE (SMILES WARMLY) Good thinking, Rick. The freaks all nod in agreement. NOSEY Way to go, Rick! How did you ever think of such a plan? Rick pulls out an old comic book and points to an ad for Sea Monkeys. RICK Well, actually, I was going to suggest we send away for sea monkeys, train them to fire guns, and make a break for it. But if you want to go with this other thing, I guess that's okay. The freaks stare at him, not sure if he's kidding or not. CUT TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - NIGHT FREAKS ON A MISSION MONTAGE, SET TO A POUNDING "EYE OF THE TIGER"-TYPE SONG -Nosey milks Cowboy, squirting the glowing milk into a funnel which feeds into a crude still. The Torch heats the boiler. -The Worm digs the tunnel. JulieErnie hand Rick pieces of wood which he puts into place as tunnel supports. They hand him Paul Lynde's corpse and he wedges it in as well. 67. -Everyone's getting into it and working up a sweat. Nosey wipes his brow, opens a bottle of Pepsi and chugs it down in a beautifully lit slo-mo product shot... The other freaks follow suit, including the Worm, down in the tunnel, who struggles to hold the bottle in his tiny feeler. Everything's going great and the song is really pumping when... ELIJAH runs out on his front porch in his nightclothes and screams down at the outhouse. ELIJAH WOULD YOU TURN DOWN THAT GODDAMN RACKET!? IN THE FREAK HOUSE Nosey turns off a boom box and the music cuts short. The freaks exchange tense looks. Nosey calls out apologetically to Elijah. NOSEY SOR-RY. (to the freaks) What a jerk! INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL The Worm burrows along, leaving a tunnel wide enough for Rick and JulieErnie to crawl after him. Rick notices a ray of light coming through a rock formation. RICK Hey, look at this! They all stop and look. Rick fingers the hole, and the rocks cave in, revealing A VAST UNDERGROUND CITY It's obviously a matte painting. WORM Good Lord! It's the Lost City of Nodd! JULIE Wow! 68. KER-CHUNK! We hear the sound of a slide projector switching slides and the underground city is replaced by a still image of some tourists standing around a geyser. [foriegn version: the Blarney Stone]. RICK It's Old Faithful! (foriegn take: "It's the Blarney Stone!"] They "Ooh" and "Ahh". The image switches to a snapshot of a FAT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN. ERNIE It's my Aunt Gladys! The other freaks nod politely. The image switches to a BAR MITZVAH PHOTO. ERNIE And that's me at my bar mitzvah! RICK C'mon Ernie, let's go. ERNIE Wait, you gotta see the ones from sleep-away camp! They're hilarious! Julie smacks him. JULIE Stooge! EXT. FREAK COMPOUND - NIGHT It's an "Antfarm View" of the yard, where the freaks are visible tunneling underground, and Toad is visible on the yard above them. We see a bat fly overhead... ZAP! Toad shoots out his tongue, snags it out of mid air, and chews it happily, oblivious to the freaks burrowing right underneath him. INT. FREAK HOUSE Nosey looks at the nearly full container of distilled Noxon. NOSEY Almost there. (he sniffs the air) But wait, I'm getting a whiff of things to come! 69. BEARDED LADY What do you smell? NOSEY (GRIM) Blood. Bearded Lady looks grave..Nosey sniffs again. NOSEY (CHEERFUL) And hot buttered popcorn! BEARDED LADY Awwright! INT. TUNNEL They're burrowing along. Ernie loudly clears his throat. Julie spits out a loogie. She grimaces. JULIE I hate when you do that. We hear muffled BARKING. ERNIE Hey! Do you hear that? JULIE It's a dog! RICK (TO WORM) Hurry! The Worm breaks through into a small cavern with several exposed sewer pipes. A lovable mutt leaps out of a pipe and drops an old tennis ball in front of Rick. He starts licking Rick's face. RICK Scrappy! SAPPY MUSIC wells up. RICK It's been ten years since you chased this ball into the sewer! I thought you were gone for good! SCRAPPY Yap! 70. RICK Listen Scrap. Go home. Get help. Understand? SCRAPPY Yap! RICK Good boy! Now go! Scrappy runs away into the sewer pipe. Rick shrugs. RICK You never know. Julie taps on some exposed wood on the cavern ceiling. JULIE Look, a wood floor. WORM It must be the lab! we've done it! They all look at each other excitedly. Suddenly Elijah's voice rings out behind them. ELIJAH'S VOICE Not so fast, you scabrous freaks! They spin around and see Nosey holding the bottle of Noxon 24. He grins. NOSEY Didn't know I did impressions, did ya? INT. FREAK HOUSE The freaks are waiting around the hole. Nosey pops out. NOSEY Mission accomplished. They've got the Noxon, and they'll be in the lab within minutes. FROGMAN Boy, this is going like clockwork! Everyone smiles, pats each other on the back, etc. Except Sockhead, who finally snaps. SOCKHEAD No! Can't you see we're digging our own graves!? (MORE) 71. It's nuts, SOCKHEAD(cont'd) that's what it is! Nuts! Well, maybe you've all got a deathwish, but you can count me out! I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE! He runs amok, pushes various freaks to the ground, and runs around screaming. The freak house door opens--Eye and Eye step in to check out the noise. One of them has a spliff sticking out of its pupil. Sockhead charges at them like a mad dog. They aim their Uzis. SOCKHEAD (at the Eyes) OUT OF MY WAY! RATTA-RATTA-RATTA! They spray an ungodly amount of bullets into Sockhead. He falls to the ground. The Eyes leave. The freaks gather around Sockhead. Nosey pulls the sock off his hand head, which is making a little "Senor Pepe" face with its fist. It spits up a trickle of blood and tries to speak. SOCKHEAD (WEAK) I... I... just... wanna...say... NOSEY What is it, kid? SOCKHEAD Ah, forget it. I'm not much for dying. He goes limp. CUT TO: INT. ELIJAH'S LAB JulieErnie, the Worm, and Rick are just emerging from the hole. It's really dark in the lab. ERNIE Shit. I can't see a damn thing. RICK Keep your voice down, Ernie. ERNIE Don't push me, Coog. I got a real short fuse today. I'm cranky, bloated, got a wicked case of cramps. Don't ask why. 72. JULIE (whispers to Rick) PMS... RICK (has to think about this) Oh.... Right. Rick pats Ernie on the shoulder reassuringly. He moves over to Elijah's computer terminal. RICK (CONT'D) Well, here it is--the control panel for Elijah's Freaking process. WORM Good work, my boy. Now step aside. This is scientist's work. Worm muscles Rick out of the way and sits at the console. Using a pen held in his mouth, he flicks a series of switches and punches a fast series of computer keys. The light on top of the Tasty Freekz machine starts to revolve, and after a couple of seconds, a stream of GOOEY LIGHT BROWN GLOP oozes out of the spigot. ERNIE Hey! It's working! RICK You did it, Worm! Way to go! JULIE But how? You didn't even use the Noxon. The Worm rushes over to the container of glop below the spigot, and without hesitation, plunges his face into it! Rick, Julie, and Ernie gasp in horror! The WORM lifts his glop-smeared face out of the bowl, and smacks his lips in delight. WORM Ah! You don't need Noxon to make Butterscotch pudding. I just wanted to test the machine's capabilities. Mmmm! Glorious! So creamy! Yum! The Worm is lost in his pudding-induced reverie. They ignore him. Julie turns to Rick. 73. JULIE Hang on, Rick. Do you really think we should put this toxic glop on you? What if it doesn't work? What if something goes wrong? What IF-- ERNIE If it does work, do you think there'll be enough left over to give me a monster size rodney? Julie goes to doink Ernie in the eyes, but he uses the classic "Three Stooges" handblock. RICK (TO ERNIE) Here, hold this. Rick hands the container of Noxon to Ernie. Julie gives him the eyepoke. Rick shakes hands with Julie, and takes back the Noxon. RICK (TO ERNIE) Thanks. (to Julie, heroically) Look, I've been a freak all my life.' I realize that now. Up there on that screen, humiliating myself for every fool with six bucks in his pocket-- ERNIE Seven bucks. JULIE Sometimes seven fifty. RICK Alright. It doesn't matter. ERNIE Sure it does. They don't let you into the theater if you don't pay the price of the ticket. RICK Look, I'm talking about the ultimate human sacrifice. JULIE No kidding. When you consider money for parking, popcorn, drinks... 74. The worm chimes in, still gorging himself on pudding... WORM Don't forget a sitter for the children! Rick's had enough. RICK Hey! In case you haven't noticed, I'm about to commit a noble and selfless act here. Rick pounds the table, sending a glass beaker flying. It smashes through the window, setting off a loud SIREN. INT. ELIJAH'S DEN Elijah's in his robe, watching the opening of "Crooked Cops" on TV. On screen is a revolving police beacon on a beat-up car, with a loud SIREN. Elijah munches his popcorn happily. INT. LAB Julie manages to silence the alarm by yanking the cord out of its socket. She shoots Rick a hard look, he shrugs innocently. RICK Oops. (BEAT) Okay. Let's do what we came to do, and this time, no more screw ups. Rick slams his hand down for emphasis and impales it on one of those desktop paper pins. He SCREAMS in agony. INT. ELIJAH'S DEN Elijah's watching an old war movie--a soldier is running across a battlefield with a bayonet, SCREAMING. He doesn't hear Rick. INT. LAB Julie has her hand over Rick's mouth, silencing his scream. He calms down. He gingerly slides the pin out of his hand, grimacing but not making a sound. He sighs with relief. The coast seems clear. Then, in SLOW MOTION, his hand knocks a styrofoam cup off the desk and onto the ground. 75. INT. ELIJAH'S DEN The war movie has erupted into a massive battle--machine guns blaring, grenade launchers and bazookas booming, the works. Suddenly, his ears perk up, and his head swivels around towards the window. ELIJAH Styrofoam cup? He puts on his "smiley face" robe and bunny slippers and heads out the door. INT. LAB Julie is pouring the distilled Noxon into the top of the Tasty Freekz machine. WORM Don't you think we should make some more pudding first, as a test? RICK No. Here goes. He presses some buttons on the computer, and the Tasty Freekz machine starts humming. Ernie is looking out the window. ERNIE Somebody's comin'! Hurry. RICK We have to wait. There's no way to speed up the machine. EXT. ELIJAH'S HOUSE Elijah comes out of the house and walks towards the lab. INT. LAB Rick's starting to sweat. He looks over at Julie, who holds an empty Pepsi cup under the Tasty Freekz spigot. A drop of ointment drips out and into the container. JULIE Here it comes. THE LAB DOORKNOB begins to turn slowly. 76. Everybody freezes. The flow of ooze slows to a stop. RICK It's plugged up! They look over at the doorknob--it's still turning. ERNIE (TO WORM) If it's your damn pudding, I'll ring your wormy neck. WORM (under his breath) Preposterous... I have no neck. I'm a worm, imbecile. THE DOOR KNOB is still turning, agonizingly slowly... OUTSIDE THE LAB Elijah is trying to turn the knob,, His grip keeps slipping because of the butter on his fingers. ELIJAH Aaargh! Damn buttered popcorn! IN THE LAB The spigot has started to discharge more,reliably. The Pepsi cup is filling up now. OUTSIDE Elijah is wiping his hands off on his shirt tails. He tries the door knob again. IN THE LAB We hear a low rumbling and the floor starts to shake. WORM The tunnel walls are about to collapse! RICK You go ahead. I'll catch up. JULIE BUT-- RICK Go! 77. The door knob is turning more vigorously, but still not opening. Julie and Ernie get in the hole with Worm, while Rick attends to the almost-full Pepsi cup of sludge. OUTSIDE Elijah is still having trouble with his grip. IN THE LAB Rick pops the plastic lid onto the Pepsi cup, and climbs into the hole. He rests the cup on the floor and lifts the floor board over his head. The RUMBLING gets louder as the tunnel walls start to crumble. JULIE Rick! Come on! Rick is losing his balance as the ground shifts beneath him. He sways, and knocks the Pepsi cup of sludge rolling. He watches, helpless, as it rolls across the floor and comes to a stop across the room. For a second, he contemplates making a dash. OUTSIDE Elijah has wrapped his shirt tails around the knob, and finally has a good grip. He twists the knob... INSIDE Rick sees the door opening. He dives down into the hole. The floor board falls into place just as Elijah walks in. Elijah scans the room. He goes over towards the Tasty Freekz machine and finds the styrofoam cup. ELIJAH Bad for the environment. He crumples it in his hand. EXT. FREAK COMPOUND The "antfarm view" again. We see the freaks running back through the tunnel as it caves in behind them. Toad sits on the ground above, oblivious to them. We hear a low flying aircraft... ZAP! Toad shoots his tongue up out of frame and sucks the twin engine Cessna into his mouth. Beat. He BURPS and spits up a propeller. 78. INT. FREAK HOUSE The freaks wait by the mouth of the tunnel. We hear the rumble approach. The worm, JulieErnie, and finally Rick scramble out of the opening. The dirt avalanche is stopped short by Paul Lynde's corpse, just as Rick scrambles to safety. WORM Just made it! RICK Paul saved our lives! NOSEY Way to go, Paul! Nosey claps Paul on what's left of his back--his skeleton shatters and the tunnel collapses, burying him instantly. The freaks are horrified. NOSEY turns to them guiltily in SLOW-MOTION. His voice is slowed down and distorted like John Lennon at the end of "Strawberry FIELDS": NOSEY I... buried... Paul. Back to normal speed. RICK This is no time to lament over a cadaver! We've got to get moving, or we're history! Now c'mon! Nosey is still morose. He speaks backwards and sounds a lot like "Revolution #9". NOSEY Daed si luap. SUBTITLE: "Paul is dead." RICK I said enough! Okay, listen up, everybody. We cracked the code and made the ointment we need to bring Skuggs down for good. The freaks applaud and cheer. 79. RICK But we left it in the lab. The freaks jeer and pelt Rick with rotten vegetables. He desperately pulls a bag of cookies out of his pocket. RICK But wait! I found some macaroons! And there's plenty for all of us! The freaks burst into applause again. FREAKS Yaayyy! TIME DISSOLVE TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY The Freaks are all sleeping, macaroon crumbs still left on their faces. There's a lot of snoring. Rick awakens with a start. He hears something in the distance. Something like a helicopter... He gets up and peeks out a crack in the wall. RICK'S POV. EXT. FREAKLAND - DAY An EES corporate helicopter touches down. A few gun-toting SECURITY GUYS in dark suits and dark glasses get out. They check that the coast is clear, then give the signal. Out steps Richard Hertz. He mutters something to one of the security guys, and walks towards the Freak House. IN THE FREAK HOUSE RICK (under his breath) I don't believe it. What's Hertz doin' here? The door to the Freak House opens. Hertz enters, unzips his fly. Finding no toilet, he shrugs and relieves himself on the floor. Rick steps out of the shadows towards him. RICK So EES is in bed with Elijah C. Skuggs, eh? Figures. Hertz is momentarily startled by Rick. He collects himself. HERTZ Rick! Thank God I got to you in time! 80. RICK Cut the crap, Hertz. Hertz relieves himself as he talks. HERTZ Ricky, you have no idea how your misfortune has touched our hearts. When you disappeared we almost gave up hope. But we'd heard reports of Skuggs's reckless abuse of Noxon, and when the story broke in the tabloids, I decided to personally come down and get to the bottom of things. He zips up and heads to the door. RICK (SKEPTICAL) Really? HERTZ No. (BEAT) AHA HA HEE HEE HO HO HA HA HEE HEE HO HO HO HA HA HA HA! The cackle is unmistakable--Rick's face twists in horror as he realizes... Hertz is THE LAUGHING MAN! Hertz ducks out the door. Rick looks after him, stunned. We hear a nearby SNORE cut off, and the Human Torch stands up from the spot where Hertz relieved himself. He's dripping wet and no longer on fire. He sniffs his soaked, smoldering clothing. TORCH Peuw! Hey! Of all the... That really pisses me off! POOF! He catches fire again and walks off. Rick is doing a slow burn, still looking after Hertz. He erupts and his monster eye glows briefly. He screams in anguish. RICK AAARRGGGGHH! Dejected, Rick leans against the wall. JulieErnie walk up behind him. Julie puts a hand on Rick's shoulder to comfort him. As they look into each other's eyes, a loud CRASH distracts them. Rick peers through the crack. 81. RICK'S POV A caravan of EES trucks crash through the front gate and drive up to the lab. There's a few cargo trucks and a huge NOXON-24 tanker. RICK Holy shit. A forklift drives out of the back of one of the large trucks, carrying the old corporate farts on a wooden palette. One of them falls off, and a bunch of WORKMEN scramble out to prop him up and push him back into place. INT. LAB - DAY Elijah switches on the lights, and turns to face his audience. Hertz is accompanied by his stone-faced security men and various executives. Workmen are busy installing the old board of directors and their arm-raising pulley system. ELIJAH Nice to see you in the flesh, Laughing Man. HERTZ No need to use codenames, Elijah. We're all friends here. And just to prove it, I brought you a little present. Hertz snaps his fingers and nods to a security guy, who produces a wriggling canvas sack. He dumps its contents onto the lab table--it's Stuey Gluck! His glasses come tumbling out after him. He squints at the security guy. STUEY Rick? Is that you? ELIJAH Who's the troll? HERTZ He was asking questions about Coogan, causing trouble. We figured he was one of yours. Stuey puts on his glasses. Elijah looks him up and down. ELIJAH I make freaks alright, but come on, fellas--this thing's pathetic. 82. STUEY Well you're no Julio Iglesias yourself, mister. (CALLS OUT) Rick! Riiiick! Riii-- INT. FREAK HOUSE Rick hears Stuey's voice in his head, all echoey. STUEY(V.0.) --iiiiiick! RICK Oh no, not now, Stuey! The ghostly image of STUEY gradually takes shape in front of Rick. Rick can make out the lab table Stuey's on, and some shadowy figures in the background. RICK (TO HIMSELF) Hey. That's Elijah's lab! (TO STUEY) Stuey! Are you really in the lab? INT. LAB Stuey is still wailing, and everybody else is getting pretty damn annoyed. STUEY Yes! I'm in the lab! I'm in the lab! ELIJAH Not only ugly, he's crazy too. Toad grabs Stuey and slaps a piece of tape over his mouth. He throws him into one of the chicken cages along the far wall. A two-headed chicken starts to peck at him. HERTZ So, where were we? ELIJAH Gentlemen, I'm not going to bullshit you. I know my setup here at Freakland looks like small potatoes. 83. He pulls the cover off a small scale model of Freakland, about ten inches high. It shows the stage, lab, outhouse, the head, everything. ELIJAH But thanks to your Noxon and my genius, tonight I will turn Ricky Coogan into a freak so hideous, it'll be enough to turn your stomach inside out, boil your brain in its own juice, and cause cold sores you thought had healed up to start buggin' you again. (the EES men shift UNCOMFORTABLY) It's the dawning of a new age for us all. Behold, Super Mega Freak World! He whisks the cover off another scale model--it's exactly the same as the little model except it's a lot bigger. ELIJAH (CONT'D) It's really somethin', huh? HERTZ (FEIGNS APPROVAL) Very impressive. ELIJAH We'll kick Disney's dead ass! INT. FREAK HOUSE Rick is watching all of this in a ghostly image. RICK Stuey! Stuey, can you hear me? Stuey's image, still with his mouth taped shut and the chicken pecking at him, nods yes. STUEY Mmm hmmm! RICK I want you to try and escape. Get the cup from underneath the instrument table and bring it to me, okay? STUEY (NODS) Mmmm mmmmm! 84. He gives Rick the old trademark Coogan thumbs up. Rick halfheartedly returns the gesture. RICK Yeah, right. Get movin'. INT. LAB Stuey checks to make sure nobody's watching him. They're not. He removes the spring from a pocket pen and picks the lock. Stuey searches the floor, and spots the Pepsi cup. He'll have to crawl through several pairs of legs to reach it. HERTZ At EES, our plans for your Gene Machine include everything, except shoes that is. Ha-ha-ha. ELIJAH Ha-ha. Gee, I'd love to see your plans. HERTZ We'd love to show you. (to his assistant) Bill, if you'd be so kind. BILL BLAZER, a slick and dashing EES marketing executive, strides confidently up to the podium. Stuey has to duck the fast approaching legs. Bill steps over him, not even noticing he's there. Bill takes Elijah's "Freak World" graphic off an easel, and replaces it with his own. Finding no place to deposit Elijah's, he simply drops it on the floor. Elijah looks a little hurt. BILL What does today's businessman want? How about a receptionist with six arms, five mouths, and a knockout figure? That'd sure speed things up, wouldn't it? With a big smile, Bill reveals an illustration of a multi- limb secretary (in a sexy dress) talking on three different phones, taking notes, and typing, all at once. Stuey heads towards the Pepsi cup. He brushes against the back of Hertz's legs. Hertz looks over at Elijah beside him, who smiles politely. Hertz smiles back, invitingly. Maybe there's a few things we don't know about him. 85. BILL In the factory, how 'bout a worker with twelve busy hands, no mouth to talk back, and no genitalia or digestive system to distract him from his work? (HE CHUCKLES) Sure! It's what we all dream of! The EES guys all nod along. Except for the workmen, who exchange worried looks. Elijah's still not sure what to make of it all. Meanwhile, Stuey has the Pepsi cup of sludge in hand, and he's crawling under the table towards the door. He brushes up against the back of Elijah's legs. Elijah looks over to Hertz, who gives him that smile again. Elijah looks away quickly, panicky. BILL (CONT'D) Well, with this Skuggs-based Noxon technology, it's not only possible, it's just the beginning! Of course, what happened to our expensive spokesman Ricky Coogan was an unfortunate coincidence, but profits from these new markets could total in the billions. All the executives turn to Hertz. He cracks a smile. HERTZ Ricky who? The executives laugh heartily. Stuey glances across the room to the door. He has to make a break for it, so he does. ELIJAH Hey! Hold on! Stuey freezes. He's right out in the open, in plain view. Still, nobody seems to see him. They're still watching- Bill's presentation. ELIJAH Secretaries? Worker drones? Where's the fun? Where's the spark? Where's the unspeakable evil? Bill laughs pleasantly. BILL Ha-ha. I was just getting to that. 86. Bill launches back into his speech with more intensity than even the best infomercials. Meanwhile, Stuey inches towards the door, moving as imperceptibly as possible. BILL We'll impact every field. COSMETICS--BREAST ENLARGEMENT creams, nosejobs in a bottle. Military--human death machines that make Schwarzenegger look like a pansy! And why stop at consumer products? Hell, we can design a whole new consumer! A few well placed drops in the water supply, and bingo! It's a new master race, and we own the copyright! An entire planet of freaks owned and operated by us! Every part of their bodies comes from an EES supplier, every thought they think is EES policy! From now on gentlemen, it's EES uber alles! EES uber alles! The EES guys clap and shout approval. Elijah's impressed too. He leans over to Hertz. ELIJAH This guy's good. HERTZ We lured him away from A.T.&T. Stuey is finally out the door. Of course, now they spot him. SECURITY GUY Look! The troll! HERTZ After him! EXT. LAB Stuey is outside the lab. Inexplicably, (actually it's just because he's so stupid) he's still moving inch by inch. He calls to Rick through the tape on his mouth. STUEY Mmm! Mmmmm! INT. FREAK HOUSE Rick sees the image of Stuey inching away from the lab. 87. RICK Take the tape off your mouth, idiot! They didn't tie your hands! Stuey realizes this is true, and pulls the tape off his mouth. STUEY I got the cup, Rick! RICK Great! There's no time to waste. Are you being followed? STUEY Yeah. But if I don't move, they won't see me. Two big EES security guys are standing watching Stuey's odd behavior. They pick him up and carry him away. STUEY Riiiick! Rick sees this all in his holographic image. It fades. RICK What a geek. He turns to the other freaks, who've woken up and are gathered around on the floor. Rick shakes his head. RICK Stuey got caught. There's no way to get the ointment before the show. WORM So, that's it then? We're all to die... And by your hand no less. RICK No. It won't be me. It's some inhuman monster Elijah used me to create. As for me, the real me, I'll always be your friend. Before I have to rip your heads off, I'd like to say goodbye to each of you. (He turns to Worm.) Worm... I'll miss your brains, the smell of your pipe, and the funny way you always go on talking until everyone wants to strangle you. He pats the Worm on the head tenderly, and turns to Cowboy. 88. COWBOY Hi, Rick. RICK Cowboy, I'll miss your good humor, your down-home wisdom, and of course, the frothy milkshakes were udderly delicious, heh-heh... He smiles and playfully tugs Cowboy's udder. He turns to the Bearded Lady. RICK Bearded... Lady... I dunno. We'll always have Paris... Bearded lady is kind of confused, Rick shrugs. RICK Nosey, I never really liked you. He moves on to Frog Man. RICK Frog Man, I think death is probably the best thing for you now. Frog Man nods in agreement. Rick rpaches JulieErnie. RICK Ernie... Julie... I have mixed feelings. (He turns to Ernie) On one hand, I'll remember you as the best friend a jerk like me ever had, and a low down repulsive slimeball. He turns to Julie. ROMANTIC MUSIC swells up. RICK (CONT'D) On the other hand, I really respect you, and more than that, I, uh, well, I wish we'd had the chance to boink. JULIE Oh, Rick... They embrace. Rick calls out to the assembled group. RICK Today I make the proudest boast a man can utter: "Ich bien ein Freak!" 89. They're all ready to cheer, but they're confused by his bad German. Rick has to explain himself. RICK Uh, I'm a freak. Oh. They all get it. Beat. Then they cheer. CUT TO: EXT..CARNIVAL TENT - NIGHT A huge banner reads "NEW IMPROVED BEAST BOY SLAUGHTERS HIS LOVED ONES! SPECIAL GUEST: FUNNYMAN DOM IRERRA! TONIGHT ONLY!". We can hear the sound of the crowd inside. INSIDE THE TENT There's a typically smallish crowd in addition to the EES executives who occupy the front seats. The security goons are strategically situated throughout the tent, and two of them sit on either side of Stuey in the second row. Elijah is onstage. ELIJAH And now the moment you've all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the lucky young man who's about to be become the monster with the mostest! Here he is, the Beast Boy! Toad pulls a rope and the curtain opens, revealing Rick strapped to an operating table. On stage left there's a large cage containing all the other freaks. Including the unconscious, half-naked Milk Man who Rick knocked out in the freak house. The Milk Man domes to, looks around in a panic, grabs the bars of the cage, and screams-- MILK MAN AAHHHH! WE'RE IN A ZOO! Rick searches the cheering audience for Stuey, who waves the Pepsi cup full of glop in the air. Rick hears Stuey's voice echo in his head telepathically. STUEY (V.0.) Rick! Over here! Stuey's waving cup is blocking the view of a big, annoyed BIKER sitting behind him. Elijah quiets the crowd and holds up a beaker of ointment. 90. ELIJAH With this remarkable ointment of my own design, I will now turn this half-finished ghoul into the ultimate super freak, dedicated to evil! Elijah puts on some rubber gloves and prepares to glop Rick, who squints under the spotlight, still searching for Stuey. He calls out telepathically. RICK (V.0.) Stuey! Where are you?! Stuey stands up on his seat and waves the cup, totally blocking the biker's view. He telepathically replies. STUEY (V.0.) Here I am, Rick! BIKER (TO STUEY) Goddammit, kid! Would you sit down!? The biker grabs the cup and dumps it over Stuey's head. The "good ointment" runs down all over Stuey's body. STUEY AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! All eyes turn to Stuey, who falls down and disappears onto the floor screaming. RICK Oh no! BIKER What the hell!? Suddenly an EIGHT FOOT TALL MONSTER VERSION OF STUEY leaps to its feet and snarls down at the biker. The biker pulls a switchblade and jams it into Stuey monster's leg--the blade crumples on his armor-like hide. Stuey grins and SLAM! He drives the biker into the ground like a railroad spike. He leaps onto the stage and stalks Elijah. STUEY MONSTER YOUR ASS IS MINE, SKUGGS! Rick and the freaks in the cage cheer stuey Monster on. ELIJAH Uh-oh, that kid looks pissed. EYE AND EYE! KILL HIM! 91. Eye and Eye rush the stage, Uzis firing. EYE AND EYE RASTAFARI! The bullets bounce off Stuey's hide. He doinks them with his big monster fingers and sends them flying through... THE TENT ROOF across the compound, and THWOPP! Into the Giant Head's eye sockets, where they spin around and come to a stop, cockeyed. CRASH! The head's foundation crumbles and it keels over backwards. INT. CARNIVAL TENT Elijah calls out to Toad. ELIJAH TOAD! Stuey Monster roars at Toad. Toad smiles weakly. THE TENT ROOF Toad catapults through it, follows the path of Eye and Eye across the compound and CRASH! Lands head first into the neck of the Giant Head. He gets up with the Giant Head stuck on his own head, making him look like one of those big headed caricatures. He runs blindly across the yard and into... THE ELECTRIC FENCE ZZZAAAAPPP! BOINNGG! Eye and Eye zing out of the sockets, and Toad's tongue sticks ten feet out of the Giant Head's mouth. It's the biggest Tex Avery cartoon take ever! ELIJAH looks worried. He scoops up some "evil ointment". ELIJAH Looks like it's time to roll out the big gun. (TO RICK) Sayonara, kiddo. Any last words? Rick considers it. He can't think of anything. RICK Nahh. 92. ELIJAH Suit yourself. He raises the ointment over Rick. Rick has an idea for a last word. RICK Wait! Wait! (Elijah pauses. Rick RECONSIDERS) Nahh. Elijah glops Rick. His skin starts to smoke. RICK AHHHHRRRGGG! Stuey Monster stalks Elijah onstage. Rick is smoking and shaking violently on the table. HERTZ turns to his EES cronies in the audience. He looks bored. HERTZ What a waste of twelve bucks. Let's get the machine and go. The other executives nod. RICK starts to transform. FWOOP! His ears spring out into huge monster ears, kinda like in Pinocchio. FWAAP! His mouth grows into a massive, Big Daddy Roth style monster mouth. FWEEP! His upper head does the same. His body follows suit. He bursts' out of the straps and grows into a drooling TEN FOOT TALL RICK MONSTER. He snarls at Stuey Monster. RICK MONSTER TIME TO DIE, TROLL! The crowd and the other freaks look on, tense. Stuey Monster instinctively whips out a Ricky Coogan publicity photo and a pen. STUEY MONSTER Rick! Rick! Could you sign this!? Rick Monster snarls and bashes Stuey Monster in the face. Stuey Monster jams the pen through the photo and snarls back. 93. THE CROWD FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Even Julie is screaming "Fight! Fight," beside herself with bloodthirsty glee. Ernie smacks her. The crowd goes nuts as the monsters trade a series of cliche pro-wrestling moves. Stuey bashes Rick. Rick bashes Stuey, etc. ELIJAH Give him the skull cracker, ya big goon! ERNIE No way! The skull cracker is an illegal move! Stuey grabs Rick's hair and marches him around the stage. The crowd is taking sides, screaming out advice, and foaming at their mouths. ELIJAH Let's get this over with. Hey Hertz, tell your goons to (he turns to Hertz and is STUNNED) What the hell-!? HERTZ stands in front of the a group of EES HARDHATS who are using forklifts to move the Tasty Freekz Machine towards the exit. He notices Elijah and taps his executive ASSISTANT. ASSISTANT (TO ELIJAH) Ahem. At this point in time we at EES regret that we must leave this performance prematurely. ELIJAH What are you saying!? HERTZ What we're saying is... get stuffed, yokel. ELIJAH I figured I couldn't trust you corporate greaseballs! Elijah turns to an alarm box on the wall which reads "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF DOUBLECROSSING CORPORATE GREASEBALLS." He breaks the glass and pulls the lever inside. 94. A trapdoor on the stage opens and a large chemical tank rises out of it. Elijah jumps into the seat of the gun turret nozzle atop the tank. He aims the nozzle at the EES group. ELIJAH Let me proudly introduce the latest in our product line, Noxon 25--now available in a convenient pump! HERTZ Bullshit! The Everything Except Shoes corporation releases no new products unless I give the order! ELIJAH I think it's time EES branched out a little. He presses the plunger and the nozzle spews a torrent of yellow glop on the EES people. They scream in agony as their bodies melt together into one big mutating blob. Alistair Cooke stands up in the audience--he's got a head bandage and a crutch from being trampled at the last show. ALISTAIR COOKE Ahhh! Head for the hills before he gets all of us! The crowd goes berserk and rushes the exits, trampling poor Cooke like a roach. RICK MONSTER flips Stuey onto the ground and starts stomping on him. Stuey is knocked out cold. Rick leaves him on the floor and stalks the freak cage murderously. RICK MONSTER NOW I RIP FREAKS TO PIECES! JIMIE No! We're your friends! RICK MONSTER Oh. NOW I RIP FRIENDS TO PIECES! He rips some bars off the cage and is about to spear JulieErnie with a jagged steel bar when Stuey Monster grabs his leg and trips him. Stuey summons all his remaining energy to wrestle Rick, delaying him, for the moment, from slaughtering the freaks. Meanwhile, Elijah is watching as THE EES BLOB 95. solidifies into... A GIANT SHOE made of living flesh. It's got eyeballs where the eyes should be, a tongue where the tongue should be, but it's helpless and immobile. Elijah looks at it with pride. He does his best Ed Sullivan IMPRESSION: ELIJAH Now that's a really, really big shoe. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hmmm, I think I'd like a pair of those! He swivels the nozzle turret towards the cage full of freaks and is about to glop them when Rick stands up above Stuey, blocking Elijah's trajectory at the freak cage. Rick raises the jagged bar above Stuey, ready to drive it down through his chest. ELIJAH (to Rick monster) Would you hurry up and waste the troll, please!? I got a lonely shoe over here! Rick Monster nods and drives the spear down when we... CUT TO: INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET Rick's silhouette (which matches his ten foot monster incarnation) is immersed in the story. RICK And then... KATHIE LEE Sorry to interrupt Rick, but you've been talking for almost ninety minutes, and we've just got to go to a commercial. RICK Sorry. REGIS We'll be right back after this, folks. CUT TO: 96. PRODUCT SHOT A fine array of different kinds of cheese on a chopping block. TOUGH VOICED ANNCR You like cheese. You like being a man. That's why you like.. A BURLY HAND swipes all the cheese off the block and slams down an aluminum can labeled "MACHEESMO." TOUGH VOICED ANNCR Macheesemo. Real cheese for real men. Now in a handy aluminum dispenser. The hand crushes the can and gooey yellow cheese squirts out the top. CUT TO: INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET We hear a music bite from "Le Freak." KATHIE LEE And now back to the exciting conclusion of Ricky Coogan's incredible story. RICK Well, let's see, the other freaks were lined up in Elijah's sights, and I was about to shove a pipe through Stuey's skull, when all of a sudden, I heard a voice... DISSOLVE TO: INT. CARNIVAL TENT - NIGHT Rick stops the spear inches from Stuey's chest. Their eyes meet. ELIJAH Kill him! Kill him! Elijah's bloodthirsty goading fades away, and Cowboy's voice reverberates in Rick's head. 97. COWBOY (V.O.) I reckon that troll could help you if you just let him into your heart... your heart... your heart... The voice keeps echoing. A tear wells up in Rick Monster's eye. He looks over at Cowboy, who is actually calling out to him from the cage. COWBOY Your heart... your heart... your heart... Rick Monster loses his murderous glare. He breaks into a warm smile, throws the pipe away and helps Stuey Monster up. They hug. The rest of the Freaks cheer wildly. ERNIE Atta' boy Coog! (NUDGES WORM) Hey, ain't that somethin'? The Worm is gushing sentimentally. He tries to hide his tears. WORM Tosh. (Sniff) Sentimental claptrap (Sniff) Shameless, maudlin--Baaa! He can't hold it in anymore. He bawls like a baby. Meanwhile, Elijah is hopping mad. ELIJAH Cut the lovey-dovey bullshit, and start mutilating each other! He aims at Rick Monster and presses the fire button. The Glop starts to flow, but before it can make it out of the tip, Rick grabs hold of the nozzle, and twists it around to face Elijah. RICK Raarrrrrrgh! Elijah manages to duck just in time. A stream of yellow Noxon 25 glop flies over his shoulder, and lands in the DUNK TANK full of carbolic acid that sits off to one side of the tent. The acid and the Noxon mix together and bubble up menacingly. Elijah hops down out of the gunner's chair and squares off against Rick Monster. 98. Meanwhile, Stuey Monster has released the other freaks from the cage. They watch the confrontation from a distance. Elijah rolls up his sleeves. Rick growls and advances slowly. ELIJAH You think I made you strong? HA! I've cranked my DNA up so high, you won't know what hit you. I'm a wrecking machine! Aaaaaaa! He rushes at Rick and delivers a flurry of punches to his mid section. They have absolutely no effect. Rick brings one heavy fist slamming down on Elijah's head, stopping him cold. ELIJAH (WEAKLY) Ow! I think you crushed my spinal cord. I can't feel anything in my fingers. RICK Maybe you'll feel this ... Rick rears back to kick him. ELIJAH Qait--if you kill me, you'll never find the antidote. The freaks all perk up. Rick's skeptical. RICK What antidote? ELIJAH A time release serum--I baked it into a delicious batch of macaroons. A slow smile grows on the Freaks' faces, especially Rick's. RICK If you ask me, you skimped on the coconut! THWAK! Rick boots Elijah between the legs, sending him flying through the air. He lands on the DUNK TANK SEAT over the bubbling Noxon/Acid. Dazed, he looks at the bullseye target, and back at Rick. Summoning up his last ounce of bravado, Elijah makes a last stand. 99. ELIJAH Come on, Coogan! Come oooon! You haven't got the guts to kill me! Go on! I dare ya'! Rick ponders for a second. He looks over to Julie. Then... SCRAPPY Yap! Yap! RICK Scrappy! Scrappy the dog rushes in. He leaps up and presses the bullseye, dropping Elijah into the hideous mixture. ELIJAH AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! Elijah struggles in agony. His body bubbles and mutates in the thick toxic soup. He sinks lower and lower into the gunk, until he and his cries are buried for good. Scrappy leaps into Rick's arms and licks his face. SCRAPPY Yap! RICK Atta boy, Scrap! BLAM! BLAM! The tent flaps fly open and a half dozen FBI AGENTS rush in with guns drawn. FBI CHIEF Freeze, FBI! Another FBI GUY investigates the dunk tank, sees Elijah's hat floating on top of the bubbling ooze. ANOTHER FBI GUY Looks like they took care of Skuggs, chief. The chief nods. They put away their guns, and approach Rick and the rest of the jubilant freaks. CHIEF Nice work, Ricky. You'll get a medal from the Vice President for this. RICK Great. But how did you-- 100. CHIEF We've been following Skuggs for years. Scrappy just filled in some of the details. SCRAPPY Yap! FBI CHIEF Thank heavens you brought him to justice, Rick. God only knows how far his sick plans would've gone. ANOTHER FBI GUY Hey chief, look at this! The FBI guy has peeled the decal off the Pepsi machine, revealing that it's actually a Coke machine! The chief is sickened to the core. FBI CHIEF Is nothing sacred? Suddenly, the agents are distracted by a terrible scream. They turn to the dunk tank and are shocked by what they see. FBI CHIEF Oh, my Lord! RICK No! It can't be! We SWISH PAN over to reveal a DRIPPING BLOB climbing out of the dunk tank. The blob separates into two distinct entities with their backs to us. They turn around and...my God it's... it's.... REGIS AND KATHIE LEE! Or at least a damn fine mutant imitation of them. Call him/them ELIJUS and ELLY LEE. They both have glowing red demon eyes and speak in Elijah's voice. ELIJUS Thought you killed me, huh? ELLY LEE What the hell are you looking at? FBI CHIEF Two pieces of deadmeat! 101. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! The FBI guys open fire. We show only the horrified reactions of the freaks as they look on. CUT TO: INT. REGIS AND KATHIE LEE SET Rick, Regis, and Kathie Lee are still in silhouette. RICKY And that's my story. KATHIE LEE (YAWN) It was so exciting! REGIS And long! My God! It makes War and Peace sound like a warm up act! CREW GUY(O.S.) Okay! We got light! REGIS It's fixed? Well, it's about time! The lights come on--no more silhouettes. Ricky looks perfectly normal, his old self. His weird silhouette was caused by a potted plant and some strange hanging mobile behind him. RICKY That's better. REGIS I'll say. (TO AUDIENCE) How 'bout it, folks. Let's hear it for Ricky Coogan! The audience applauds and hoots wildly. KATHIE LEE Can we bring out the other freaks now? The audience cheers as the rest of the Freaks walk out from the wings, and stand off to the side waving to the audience. They all look clean cut and happy. They wear T-shirts with their former identities printed on them. "I was NOSEY," "I was COWBOY," "I was the BEARDED LADY" etc. Except the Worm, who's still a worm. His T-shirt says, "I'm Still THE WORM". 102. WORM Ridiculous... Just because a man doesn't like macaroons... Nonsense. Suddenly a squirrel runs across stage, followed by Juan. He pounces and catches the furry little bugger. JUAN Gotcha! Damn, it's about time! ALL THE EX-FREAKS (happy to see him) JUAN! JUAN Hey guys! Jeez! You look great! They all hug. REGIS That's just great. What a story. And what an ending! Elijah transformed by the goop! KATHIE LEE And he really looked like--? RICK Exactly like you two, I swear. Same faces, same outfits, except they had these really big, hideous feet... He looks down at Regis and KATHIE LEE's feet--they're big, hideous monster feet! Suddenly their eyes glow bright red-- It's Elijus and Elly Lee! They speak with Elijah's voice. ELIJUS Show's over, Ricky! ELLY LEE I'm gonna drink your blood! Elly Lee pulls a machete and is about to force it down on Rick's throat when... BANG! BANG! BANG! Elijus and Elly Lee's eyes go funny. They look at each other, spit up some blood, wave to the audience one last time, and collapse to the floor. Julie stands behind them, smoking gun in hand. She rushes to Rick. They embrace. JULIE Rick! It's finally over! 103. RICK Yes... Yes it is. STUEY(O.C.) Rick! Rick! Rick and Julie turn and see Stuey, still a ten foot tall monster, running towards them. He's carrying a garbage bag dripping blood. RICK Stuey! STUEY Look! I found the real Regis and Kathie Lee! Rick and Julie look at the bag, mortified. Stuey chuckles. STUEY (CONT'D) No, this is just my lunch! Rick and Julie sigh with relief. Stuey pulls out a similar leaking bag and holds it up. STUEY (matter of fact) This is Regis and Kathie Lee. Rick and Julie nod casually--"Oh." AUDIENCE Awwww! Suddenly Elijus and Elly Lee pop up from behind the couch, bloodied, but still fierce. They're about to stab Rick and Julie when... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Five more shots ring out and they fall dead--again. Ernie stands off to the side with a smoking gun. ERNIE Oh, like that wasn't totally predictable. JULIE Well, now it really is over. Sappy END OF THE MOVIE MUSIC wells up. RICK Thank God. You know, this adventure has taught me something. (MORE) 104. RICK(CONT'D) When man starts impinging on the subtle perfection of the earth's natural order, the only thing he'll create is havoc. ERNIE Right, Coog. I learned somethin' too. That men and women truly are equals. That the human spirit transcends gender and physical appearance, and thus it is immune to the petty degradations men may devise. I believe it was Moliere WHO SAID-- Julie's had enough. She socks Ernie square on the jaw. JULIE Oh, shut up. (She turns to Rick) Let's go fuck. Rick gives her the thumbs up. They turn to the audience. RICK/JULIE/ERNIE/STUEY MONSTER Good night, everybody! The audience cheers. The HIT SINGLE from the soundtrack album kicks in as we... ROLL CREDITS As the credits roll, and everybody continues to smile and wave at the cheering audience, Elijus and Elly Lee attack again. Ernie hands the gun to Stuey, who shoots them dead. Well, dead-ish. Seconds later, after some more waving, they attack again. This time Nosey and the Bearded Lady stab them to death, sort of. A little more waving, before Elijus and Elly Lee make another pathetic attempt. They can barely stand. Cowboy clubs one with a mic stand. Worm head-butts the other. A few seconds later, Elijus's bloodied hand gropes its way over the top of the studio couch. Stuey has to prop him up while members of the audience are invited down to punch him in the chops. Ernie stands off to the side, charging everyone five bucks per blow. As we fade, everyone's having a go flipping, throwing, kicking and impaling rag doll replicas of America's favorite morning show hosts. THE END?!
FRIGHT NIGHT Written by Marti Noxon EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD -- NIGHT FADE UP: Moving through a tract development. The houses are like Mexican food -- the basic elements are all the same, just mixed differently. A gloomy night, no moon. And a slightly ominous pattern emerges... Green, thriving lawns and meticulously tended homes abut brown yards and porches littered with old newspapers and pizza joint flyers. Each third or fourth house is FOR SALE or, worse, seemingly abandoned. This area is in danger of becoming a ghost town. A deep, commanding voice pierces the silence: VOICE (O.S.) Defy reason. Defy everything you know. Now we move in on one of the homes. Not the nicest on the block, but inhabited. Lights on in the windows. INT. SUBURBAN HOME/VARIOUS -- NIGHT Inside the house. A middle-class family lives here. The living room is empty, but the TV's on. ON THE TELEVISION A commercial for PETER VINCENT. A Las Vegas institution, he's a magician whose show is all Gothic, horror-movie imagery. Peter's wiry, hot -- a rock and roll bad boy. He's cutting a girl up with a chain saw. And grinning like a mad man. TELEVISION ANNOUNCER Peter Vincent's "FRIGHT NIGHT." The family DOG is up on the coffee table eating what's left of a fast food burger and fries, still in the box. TELEVISION ANNOUNCER (CONT'D) Something's moving in the dark. 2. Also on the table -- a role-playing game in progress. "Magic, the Gathering"... Elves and Wizards. TELEVISION ANNOUNCER (CONT'D) Only at The Hard Rock. Nightly Wednesday Through Sunday. Now we hear what at first sounds like a MUFFLED ARGUMENT coming from another room. DISTANT VOICE Get off her!! More voices yelling, something being thrown. An ugly domestic scene. We creep down a dark hall toward a cracked door, light seeps through the opening -- it SLAMS OPEN and ADAM, 17, crashes toward us. He's nice-looking, a little nerdy -- and he's in a blind terror. We get a glimpse of the horrible scene behind the door. A teen girl's room -- the sound of flesh ripping. We see a pale arm on the ground, shaking violently, as if something is tearing and tugging at the body attached to it. We bolt away with ADAM, who we now see is blood splattered, as he races UPSTAIRS. A PHONE CRADLE is ripped out of the wall, which Adam nearly falls over. INT. SUBURBAN HOME -- UPPER LANDING/BEDROOM -- NIGHT ADAM RACES INTO HIS PARENTS' ROOM. Another horrible glimpse - - his mother's body splayed across her frilly bed. Blood on pale pink sheets. ADAM goes to his FATHER'S SIDE OF THE BED and now we see Adam's father's body. His father was reaching for A GUN he'd hidden under the bed. ADAM gets down under the bed, desperately reaches for the gun. It's just beyond his grasp. ADAM Come on, come on, come on... He gets it. But the GUN HAS A GUN LOCK. Adam has to dig in his dead father's pockets for his keys. Adam starts to cry. 3. ADAM (CONT'D) Come on, come on! He finds them, struggles to unlock the gun with shaking hands. THE BED IS TURNED OVER in one violent throw. Adam is exposed. We see only a hint of the creature that looms over HIM -- Brutally strong, veins dark and visible under the skin... Human but not quite. Adam reacts in horror. He knows he's dead. HE's RIPPED OUT OF FRAME as we hear: DISC JOCKEY (O.S.) .we're looking at a nice day here in Clark County, hitting a season low of only 89 degrees... EXT. SHADOW HILLS - DAY MUSIC starts under the DISC JOCKEY as we LOOK DOWN FROM HIGH ABOVE at the SAME suburban neighborhood as before. In the daylight it seems nice. Charming, even. Pocket parks decorate almost every corner and kids ride bikes in the street. Mothers unload groceries. Neighbors chat. DISC JOCKEY (O.S.) .so get out there and enjoy this beautiful Wednesday, people. We SWOOP CLOSER and find that RADIO comes from a passing MINIVAN with those cutesy stick figure family decals on the rear window. The FOR SALE SIGNS and brown lawns don't seem nearly so foreboding now. We SWOOP UP AGAIN and see beyond Shadow Hills, past the WALL that encompasses it -- and become aware for the first time that the community is SURROUNDED BY FLAT, ARID DESERT. In the distance, we can just make out the glow of Las Vegas proper. It looks like a distant fantasy, a land-locked Pleasure Island. 4. EXT. STREET - DAY CLOSE ON: The wheels of a DIRT BIKE as it zooms down the street. WIDEN to see CHARLIE BREWSTER, who is PUSHING the bike as fast as he can. It STARTS, sputters -- then craps out. CHARLIE (to the bike/pissed) You want me to take you apart, huh? Charlie's 17 and has the slightly awkward feel of someone who just recently came into his body and good looks. He's a wry, thoughtful kid who's enjoying -- but not quite trusting -- a sudden surge in popularity. CHARLIE (CONT'D) (still talking to bike) I will. I'll sell you for parts. Don't think I won't-- Charlie stops, embarrassed. DORIS -- a neighbor -- watches him talk to his bike. Paused as she hauls her trash cans to the curb. She's super pretty in a wholesome way -- except for her ridiculous body. Stripper city. She nods to the bike, amused. DORIS Nothing doing, huh? CHARLIE The thing's got no ambition. (re: trash cans) Can I -- uh, give you a hand? DORIS I got it. Thanks. She walks away -- her sweatpants have the word "LUCKY" across the butt. He watches her go appreciatively. Doesn't notice his mom, JANE, struggling to pull their own cans to the curb. JANE Don't leer at the neighbors, kid. Jane, 40's, attractive and frazzled, wears a REAL ESTATE brokers blazer. Charlie wheels his bike back to the curb. 5. He and his mom have had an affectionate, teasing relationship which has only recently started to have more edge. CHARLIE She's the one who put a word on her butt. I'm just reading it. Jane eyes a LARGE DUMPSTER FULL OF CONCRETE that sits in front of their NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR'S YARD. JANE Is he ever going to move that thing? CHARLIE You need to get over it, Mom. JANE (WATCH IT) Attitude. (observes him/then) You've been tense or something. School? CHARLIE School's great, actually. JANE Amy? CHARLIE Good. Hasn't dumped me yet. He says this like he's surprised. Jane nods. Getting it. JANE That'll teach you to get so tall and handsome. (THEN) Getting what you want is stressful. Especially when you're not used to it. More to lose. CHARLIE Are you reading those books again? The Power of Whatever the Hell? She laughs. He glances at the DUMPSTER. CHARLIE (CONT'D) They're not working. You're still flipping out about a big box. 6. Now Jane moves to the open garage and starts loading OPEN HOUSE SIGNS into her trunk. Charlie stands there. She shoots him a look -- then he helps her load. JANE It's an eyesore. I'm trying to convince people to move in, not join the legions leaving town-- CHARLIE If you say "mortgage crisis" again I'm getting a new mom. JANE The guy moves in and puts a giant trash can in his yard! When the Perry's lived there-- Charlie has heard this before. It's a common refrain. CHARLIE The Perry's were the greatest neighbors ever. But they moved. I thought you were happy their place finally sold. JANE (back on the neighbor) He's not digging a pool. Where do you think all that concrete's coming from? CHARLIE You're spying on the guy now? JANE He's thirteen feet from our house. That's not spying, that's observing. A BEETLE CONVERTIBLE pulls up. AMY drives and her two hot friends, CARA and BEE, sit in the back. AMY Hi, Mrs. Brewster. JANE Hi honey. Hi girls. ANY, 16, is a stunner. And she's as cool as she is beautiful -- the girl every other guy in school would die to be with. 7. But Charlie is. And he can't believe his luck. Which puts him off his game. She makes him feel like he's always playing catch up. Charlie moves toward the VW. Jane calls after him. JANE (CONT'D) Oh hey -- Ed called. Again. CHARLIE Okay. JANE I'm tired of making excuses, Charlie. If you don't want to talk to him, would you please tell him? CHARLIE Kinda defeats the purpose. He gets to AMY and the girls. Amy glances at the dirt bike. AMY Still can't get the bike started, huh? CHARLIE Wow. No faith. AMY So you don't need a ride. Amy calls his bluff and starts to drive off. Charlie grabs his backpack and RACES after her. CHARLIE No, hey, stop-- She laughs, stops the car. Charlie tries to jump in and she drives again. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Come on! Hey!-- Charlie runs and finally dives into the back headfirst. The girls are laughing. ON JANE Watching them drive off, gone in a cloud of teen spirit. 8. INT/EXT. AMY'S CAR -- DAY The Beetle zips through a commercial strip. More suburban paradise. Charlie's in the front seat now. Amy drives, one hand on the wheel. Casually drops one on Charlie's leg. Charlie tries to act casual, but he's stoked and... amazed. Cara half-sleeps in the back while BEE leans forward, flirty, and eyes Charlie's COLORFUL PUMA SNEAKERS. Charlie's a sneakerhead, a serious collector. BEE Takes a man to wear purple, Chuck. AMY Charlie. BEE Chuck likes it when I call him Chuck, right Chuck? Intimidated by these girls, he tries to form a witty retort. CHARLIE It's -- they're not -- that's, like, puce? That's a macho puce. CARA Can you stop someplace? I'm severely under-caffeinated. AMY (ignores her/to Bee) Did you see the poster for the formal? The theme is "Hope"? BEE I know. They asked me to be on the committee again but I was like -- hope is completely 2008. Grow up. CHARLIE Did you suggest "Despair?" Nobody would see that coming. Or -- global warming? Everybody has to wear tin foil. AMY (laughs/to Charlie) Did you go last year? We basically did the whole thing, Bee and me. 9. CHARLIE (LIES) Me? I, ah, was in training that week. This big triatha-- BEE (cutting him off) Chuck was still under his rock. We're so glad you crawled out. CARA Caffeine!? Hello! CHARLIE I have Econ first period. Amy takes her hand off his leg. Charlie notices. CARA Charrrliiieeeee. CHARLIE (KILLING HIM) Okay. Yeah. It's no big deal. Amy PULLS into a coffee place. Parks. The girls climb out. CARA Thank you, Jesus. Amy catches Charlie looking at his watch, fidgeting. AMY You're not going to flunk for missing Econ, Brain. CHARLIE Brain? I -- what? No, I'm-- But she's already walking away. AMY Five minutes. He watches her move off, anxious and smitten. EXT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH -- COURTYARD -- DAY Charlie arrives with Amy, Cara and Bee -- all the girls now sport coffee drinks. Charlie has one too, with whipped cream and the works. 10. Kids stream into a nice, modern-looking high school. Amy takes Charlie's arm. AMY On time. You stress too much. CHARLIE I wasn't worried. AMY You were doing your worried thing. CHARLIE I was? I have a -- what's my-- MARK (O.S.) Ladies! A couple of handsome jock-type guys, MARK and BEN, roll up along side Charlie and the girls. They draw looks from other students as they move through the courtyard. The cool kids. BEE Doods. Looking massive. MARK (to Charlie/re: drink) Seriously? A Mochachino? You can't ride with the girls anymore. You let them brush your hair, My Pretty Pony? Mark grabs the cup away from him. Starts drinking it. BEE (takes his arm) Chuck's secure, aren't you? We see that Ben is also wearing PUMA's. Different design. It's a thing. Charlie shows his off -- he's secure. CHARLIE Puce. BEN Fuck yeah. AMY (TO CHARLIE) I have track after school, maybe we can hook up later? 11. CHARLIE Yeah. Hey. Come here. (pulls her aside/awkward) You know, the formal. Don't think I wasn't going to ask you, because I thought it was an obvious go. Together. Hope, puppies, kittens, the whole deal. You and me. AMY (NOT UNKIND) Oh, no. Please. Nobody goes to the dance senior year. She smiles, moves off. He watches her, lets out a breath. CHARLIE Right. I knew that. MARK and BEN enjoy the view as the girls move off. Wow. Mark, incredulous, says to Charlie: MARK Did you find a frickin' Genie lamp man? Make a sacrifice to the hot ass Gods? How do you get that? CHARLIE Game, my friend. Rock solid. Charlie moves off. And even though he's playing it off, we see that Mark's hit a nerve. This hot girlfriend thing is a bitch. Mark calls after him-- MARK You don't even have a car! INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY Later. Charlie's in Econ class. Seated in a back row near MARK and BEN. A number of seats in class are EMPTY. TEACHER Ben Wegner? BEN Here. TEACHER Adam Noris? Nothing. Teacher looks around. 12. TEACHER (CONT'D) Adam? (marks chart/then) Courtney Heuer? A girl raises her hand. Charlie, bored, idly checks out the class. Stops when he sees a tweaked-looking kid, ED, staring at him. EVIL ED is a slight, faintly punk-looking kid who's been picked on by bullies his whole life. He's hyper-intelligent, hyper-critical and... just hyper. And his binder is covered with COMIC BOOK STICKERS. TEACHER (CONT'D) Nick Straley? (NOTHING) Nick? Ed sees that he's caught Charlie's eye. Nods significantly at him. Like -- "you know and I know..." Charlie looks away. As if he didn't see him. INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY Charlie, Mark and Ben move down the hall. Mark shows Charlie a picture on his phone. A woman posing seductively. MARK Miss Granada. Geometry. CHARLIE Holy crap. Where did you get that? MARK She's hard up, man. Equations don't keep you warm at night. They stop, see EVIL ED approaching. This amuses Mark and Ben. But Charlie's uncomfortable -- wants to bolt. BEN I think "it's" going to talk to us. ED (TO CHARLIE) I need a minute. MARK "It's" going to talk to Brewster. 13. BEN (TO ED) When are you going to get the message? We don't know you-- ED (RE: CHARLIE) He does. Or did. Before the summer and his Jock Lobotomy. CHARLIE (to Ed/uncomfortable) What's the deal, man? ED Alone. Ed stares Charlie down. A beat. Ben and Mark bust out laughing. Mark looks at Charlie. MARK Just the two of you. That's sweet. He can school you in the ways of geek-douchery. ED It's important. "Brewster." The way Ed says his name is enough to propel Charlie into action. He grabs Ed and pulls him aside. Mark and Ben watch with interest -- out of earshot. Ed's tone is dire, serious as a heart attack. ED (CONT'D) Adam's missing. Charlie's looking around, self-conscious. CHARLIE What do you mean, he's missing? ED I keep trying him -- nothing. No texts, no phone. And he's not the only one who's gone. You heard roll call. CHARLIE So kids aren't coming to school. What do you want me to do about it? 14. ED Meet me at his house after school. We'll check around. See what's up, if he's okay. CHARLIE I can't after school. I'm busy. ED I don't think you get what I'm TELLING YOU-- CHARLIE Look, do we have to do this here? Ed can't believe it. Charlie's totally blowing him off. He starts to lose it, raises his voice-- ED What, am I not even suppose to speak to you now?-- CHARLIE Keep it down. Don't spaz-- ED It's so horrible! Crossing the streams! Will High School as we know it cease to exist?! Ed glances at Mark and Ben, who still watch from a distance. ED (CONT'D) You want me to tell your pals how well we know each other? The Lego contests, the Farscape conventions, THE COSTUMES-- CHARLIE UIET-- ED Or how your first sexual experience was with an Electra figurine-- CHARLIE No. No. ED Then be my backup. CHARLIE (DEFEATED) Fine. Adam's after school. 15. ED Don't be late. Moves off. Charlie sees the guys watching him. A beat. He shrugs like "I have no idea what that was about..." FADE TO: EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT LAWN -- DUSK The sun has set behind the mountains. It's gloomy gray out, right before dark. Charlie and AMY park, climb out of her car with drinks from PLANET SMOOTHIE in hand. She's still in her track and field clothes. Looks tough. AMY You know what I want? For dinner? CHARLIE You're eating right now, you know. As you speak. You literally just forced me to get you a smoothie so large they named a planet after it-- AMY (LAUGHS) I ran six miles. What did you do? CHARLIE I -- watched you. But not in a creepy way. Charlie winces a little. It sounds creepy. AMY So don't judge. You don't want me to burn my big ole' booty off, do you? Charlie, on impulse, stops her -- kisses her. AMY (CONT'D) What was that for? CHARLIE I don't know you're just... AMY What? 16. CHARLIE (PERFECT) Nothing. A sweet moment. These two have a definite thing. It's real. They're about to kiss again when JANE'S GIRLISH LAUGH stops them. They both turn and REACT AS THEY SEE... A MUSCLED MALE, SQUATTING AND HUNCHED-OVER -- clad only in a white wife-beater and jeans. We can't make out his face. Jane stands over him, laughing at something he's said as he FIXES their sprinkler. PUSH IN as the guy looks up. This is JERRY. 30's. Handsome to the point of devastating. An all-American Adonis. AMY Wow. CHARLIE Look at Mom. She'sâ AMY Damn right. If he followed her home, you have to let her keep him. Amy laughs -- almost skips toward them, milking the moment. EXT. ADAM'S HOUSE -- DUSK ED paces anxiously in front of ADAM'S HOUSE. He has a duffle bag over his shoulder. Keeps checking his phone. He finally dials in a number. Talks-- ADAM Charlie. I'm in front of Adam's. Remember the videos we all made back when? You and me and Adam, bro? In tights. Want your pals to get a load of that? EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT LAWN -- DUSK Amy and Charlie approach Jane and Jerry. They overhear-- JANE .so not a pool, what's the work you're doing? 17. Jerry has an easy-going way about him. An inviting charm. JERRY Foundation problems. I had to rip up half the basement. JANE These houses were built practically overnight. I'm never surprised when they come apart. JERRY (RE: SPRINKLER) Done. Just needed a new stem. Jane sees Charlie and Amy approaching. And gaping. JANE Jerry, this is my son Charlie. And his -- do we say girlfriend now? CHARLIE (EMBARRASSED) I guess. I mean -- only if she's-- Amy's amused at Charlie's squirming, finally saves him. AMY (shakes Jerry's hand) Hi. I'm Amy. He can't help but give Amy an appreciative once-over. She enjoys it, but pulls away and moves closer to Charlie. Charlie notices the exchange -- the way this dude oozes manliness. Doesn't like it one bit. He shakes Jerry's hand a little too firmly. Lowers his voice a bit. CHARLIE Hey. JANE Jerry's our new neighbor. The Perry place. He's "handy." AMY (looks to Charlie, smiles) No kidding. JERRY Sorry about the mess, man. I was just telling your mom I'll have the dumpster gone next week. 18. CHARLIE Doesn't bother me. JANE Jerry does night construction on the strip. JERRY (noticing Charlie's shoes) You play ball? I'm always looking for a pick up game. CHARLIE (BLUFFING) Now and then, you know. JANE It's more of a collector thing. The shoes. He's obsessed. (to Jerry/"those teens") They sleep on sidewalks to get them. Charlie looks at Jane, thanks for embarrassing me. JERRY Well -- they're bold. I like them. Jerry looks back at Jane. A little flirtatious. JERRY (CONT'D) So... I'd ask you guys inside, but it's a mess. I've been meaning to. JANE Be neighborly. JERRY A drink, something. It hangs there, waiting for an invitation. Jane just smiles. JERRY (CONT'D) Soon, okay? JANE You bet. And thank you so much. For the help. JERRY Least I could do. Jane, Amy and Charlie walk toward the house. Jerry moves off. Amy looks at Jane, amazed. 19. AMY Why did you blow him off? Oh my God! JANE A guy that good-looking, still single? Bad bet. He's a player. CHARLIE (IMPRESSED) Mom. Breaking it down. JANE I've had enough man trouble. I'm not getting suckered again. Amy and Charlie meet eyes. That was loaded. Jane notices. JANE (CONT'D) Don't listen to me. Jaded old BROAD-- CHARLIE MOM-- Charlie's PHONE buzzes. He checks it. ON THE PHONE A VIDEO CLIP from ED. TITLED "KID COMEBACK and SUPER SQUID!" It shows Charlie, Ed and Adam when they were younger, prancing around in homemade costumes and, indeed, tights. The text message says "10 MINUTES -- OR THIS IS GOING WIDE!" ON CHARLIE CHARLIE (CONT'D) (alarmed/to Amy) Wow. Okay. I gotta go. Sorry. Call you later. AMY Now? JANE I have dinner on-- CHARLIE I gotta go. I'll eat later. JANE Charlie! 20. But Charlie's already off and running. EXT. ADAM'S HOUSE -- DUSK Charlie approaches, sees ED pacing in front of the house. He's flipping out. ED Where the hell have you been? CHARLIE You said after school, chill out! Ed is already lugging his big duffle to Adam's front door. ED Right after! It's dusk, dude, you know what that means!? CHARLIE That the sun's gone down. What's THE BIG-- Over him, Ed knocks loudly. Rings the bell. ED Hey! Anybody home? A long pause. Nothing. CHARLIE Not here. Let's go-- But Ed's already heading around the house with the duffle. INT. ADAM'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DUSK Ed wriggles in through the DOG DOOR. He turns, lets Charlie in. Charlie looks around. CHARLIE This is nuts. It's the SAME HOUSE we saw in the opening, but completely righted. TV is off, the walls are clean. Furniture in it's proper place. It's perfect. They move into the house. Ed is wired, scared. 21 ED Hello? Ed and Charlie here! (TO CHARLIE) Come on. Charlie follows him in. Resigned and placating. CHARLIE Okay. Fine. Ed opens his duffle bag. Inside are CROSSES, STAKES, HOLY WATER, even a small AX. ED Take this. Ed hands Charlie a STAKE. Charlie eyes it, incredulous. CHARLIE You've got to be kidding me. Ed stops. This is it. ED I hate to tell you this but that guy, your neighbor. (DEAD SERIOUS) He's a vampire. One of the undead. CHARLIE My neighbor. Next door. ED Yeah. CHARLIE I just met him. Jerry. ED Jerry. A beat. CHARLIE That's a terrible vampire name. "Jerry." Seriously-- ED I didn't name him, man, I'm just reporting the facts! Ed moves UP THE STAIRS. Charlie reluctantly follows. It's darker up here. Lights off. 22. CHARLIE Come on, this is a gag -- right? Ed's barely listening -- cautious. Every shadow is potential death. Total shmuck bait... ED Hey! Anybody here? They pass the empty MASTER BEDROOM -- where we saw ADAM's parents slaughtered. Now its clean and empty. Then Ed turns into ADAM's room. It's full of geekery. Action figures, the like. Charlie sticks behind him. The guys don't register the mostly obscured form of SOMEBODY HIDING BEHIND the door. A LARGE MALE figure. Ed catches sight of the guy, and SPINS toward it, freaked. Charlie also reacts, scared. ED (CONT'D) Get back, demon! Ed thrusts his cross forward which knocks the door open, toppling A MOVIE CHARACTER STANDEE. A beat. Then Ed lets out a slightly manic laugh. ED (CONT'D) Ha! I killed that sucker dead! CHARLIE (ANGRY) They're not here, okay? They left town. His dad was a deadbeat-- Ed pulls a MAP out of his pocket. It has lots of red and black DOTS marked on it. He thrusts it at Charlie. ED No, see, it's not just them. It started -- there was this thing on Channel 13, a lady escaped an attacker who tried to bite her. Ed points to the RED DOTS on his chart. They form a loose circle around CHARLIE'S house. ED (CONT'D) Adam and me, we graphed the attack, the disappearances. Whole families, gone. (MORE) 23 ED (CONT'D) And that's you guys at the center, see? His windows are totally BLACKED OUT-- CHARLIE There's a ton of houses like that. People work nights on the strip-- ED But every window? No. I've been watching him. It all fits-- CHARLIE That Jerry's a Dracula. ED No. Dracula is a specific vampire. I'M SAYING-- CHARLIE I know what you're saying! I'm mocking you. You've been reading too much Twilight-- ED Fiction, okay? This is real. A real monster. And he's not brooding. Or lovesick. Or noble. He's the fucking shark from JAWS. He feeds, he kills, and he doesn't move on until everyone around him is dead. (MOST EMPHATIC) And that book SUCKS. Charlie can't help but pause. Ed's conviction is so real. But he shakes it off. CHARLIE COME ON-- ED What about your neighbors, the Perrys? He moved into their house. Haven't seen them around, have you? CHARLIE Yeah, in San Diego like a month ago! ED Exception, proves the rule. You haven't asked him in, have you? He can't get in without an invitation. 24 CHARLIE No, but-- ED Your mom? Lonely divorcee... CHARLIE You're on drugs. ED No! Well, yeah... I thought you'd take my word, but I have evidence at home. Hard evidence. Charlie stops fighting it and humors him. Ed's lost it. CHARLIE Yeah. Okay. ED (INTENSE) We have to stake him in his nest. You and me. Not now, it's dark. CHARLIE Right. Cause he's nocturnal. ED Just for -- okay -- for a minute pretend you're not a douche now-- CHARLIE Look, Ed, this stuff, it was fun when we were eight-- ED SIXTEEN-- CHARLIE (LOSING IT) Whatever! I grew up, okay? You don't want to, fine. But don't get an attitude because I'd rather have a life than make shit up! Ed stops. Stung. ED Right. Got it. You're soooo cool "Brewster." Go ahead, join the Clark High early-peakers. This is the pinnacle for them. And that includes your girl-- 25. CHARLIE Shut up. ED Undeniably doable, but we used to make fun of her and her pals, remember? They're bimbos-- CHARLIE Shut up! Charlie barely refrains from hitting Ed. Instead he shoves him away. Ed stumbles. Falls. He looks up at Charlie, genuinely hurt and desperate. ED Adam's gone -- you act like it has nothing to do with you. (THEN/PAINED) We were inseparable, man. CHARLIE Yeah. And you know when I got popular? The minute I stopped hanging out with you. Charlie takes off. Ed watches him go. FADE TO: EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS/VARIOUS -- NIGHT A while later. It's REALLY DARK now. Ed, gripping his duffle bag nervously, skates down a residential street. Houses here are spaced far apart and the lights in many of them are off. Ed is anxious, watchful. He knows it's not safe. Every dark corner is potentially the end of him. A few cars pass. Something moves behind him. Footsteps GAINING. Ed abandons his skateboard and BOLTS. A hand SLAMS on his shoulder, spins him around. IT's MARK, Charlie's pal from school. MARK You crossed my yard. Tracked your nerdjuice all over it. 26. ED Sorry. Sorry-- MARK My mom works hard on that shit, MORON-- Ed glances around nervously, it's dark and anything... else could be out there. ED Can you just hit me? I don't have time for the build up. (he steels himself) Go. MARK Seriously? ED Jesus, man! Just do it! Fine. Mark winds up and SWINGS -- a brutal blow. Ed DUCKS and runs. Mark's immediately on his heels. The guys dodge and dart through the neighborhood. But Ed has experience in the art of losing bullies and he manages to shake Mark for a moment. Ed scrambles over a wooden fence, but his DUFFLE BAG GETS CAUGHT ON TOP. Most of his vamp hunting stuff SPILLS over on the OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE. ED (CONT'D) Crap. Crap! There's not time to get the stuff. He can hear Mark approaching in the dark. He drops into a neighbor's backyard. EXT. BACKYARD -- NIGHT ED spins and slams right into MARK -- no, it's JERRY. Ed falls back and scrambles away, terrified. ED (CONT'D) Get away! I'm armed mother fucker! Jerry moves after Ed, angry but controlled. More like a man than a monster. 27. EXT. FENCE -- NIGHT Mark pulls up on the other side of the wood fence. Sees Ed's VAMP HUNTING STUFF on the ground, laughs. MARK Unbelievable. A beat, Mark glances at the high fence. Decides he's done. He kicks some of Ed's stuff as he moves off. EXT. BACKYARD -- NIGHT Ed trips over kid's toys and bikes as he runs to the house. There's a porch light on over the back door. ED (pounding on door) Hey! Let me in! Please! But there's no answer. Ed is desperate, Sees Jerry closing in, walking across the backyard. Ed takes a ROCK and smashes the window over the kitchen sink. INT. HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- NIGHT Ed falls through the window into the kitchen. Looks out. JERRY stalks toward him. All hulking menace. But Ed's safe now. Calls out-- ED Forget it sucker! No invite! BAM! Jerry kicks in the kitchen door. Ed, terrified, falls back. JERRY Abandoned. I thought you did your homework. ED -- what? JERRY You've been watching me. I've been watching you. Seems fair. Ed BOLTS into the house. 28. INT. HOUSE -- VARIOUS -- NIGHT As he races through the empty rooms he pulls a stake from his pocket. We see he's wearing a cross around his neck on a long chain. JERRY's following, but barely breaking a sweat. Ed sees A SLIDING GLASS DOOR to the back. He fumbles with the lock, gets it open and runs into the backyard. EXT. BACKYARD -- NIGHT Ed races for the back gate-- AND SUDDENLY JERKS TO A STOP. Jerry has him by the back of the CROSS he's wearing. Ed's lifted WAY off his feet by the CHAIN, until he's choking on it, the cross directly under his neck. JERRY looks away as he SNAPS the chain off Ed and HURLS the cross into the neighbor's POOL. Ed falls to the ground, watches the cross sink in despair. Jerry's standing over him. Smiles a little. We get just a flash -- he suddenly has MORE TEETH, sharper, in rows. It's chilling. JERRY Bit off more than you can chew. Shaking, terrified, Ed brandishes the STAKE. ED We'll see, man. I know my shit. But Jerry doesn't appear to be afraid. He looks at Ed with actual sympathy. JERRY Really? Who's going to believe you? You see the truth, but what good is it when you're alone? Ed's shaken -- but still grips the stake. Holding on. ED Don't play that stuff. That mind crap. Come on -- try me. Try me! 29. JERRY You say you're glad you're different. But how can you be in a place like this? These people... Even your best friend. You're nothing to him now. Ed's listening despite himself, hurting now. Jerry moves a step in. Ed raises his stake again -- but with slightly less conviction. ED Get back! JERRY It can be over. I can make all that pain go away. Ed's fighting tears. Life as he knows it is gone. ED No... JERRY You were born for this and you know it. Your "life", what you had? That's the illusion. (off Ed's silence) I can take you somewhere great. Somewhere you'll belong. Ed takes this in. His eyes clear a bit. Is it...hope? JERRY (CONT'D) It's a gift. And Jerry moves closer, blocking our view. CUT TO BLACK: FADE UP ON: EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- DAY A new day. Sunny and hot. A truck moves the DUMPSTER from Jerry's house. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DAY Through the kitchen window, Jane watches the DUMPSTER drive away. She's pleased, a little surprised. Says to herself... 30. JANE Good on his word. A knock at the door. It's Amy. She lets herself in. AMY Morning. Charlie? JANE You try. My voice seems to be on some frequency he can't hear. AMY CHARLIE! CHARLIE (O.S.) Coming! Amy looks at Jane, who shakes her head. Amy moves to the island. Grins a little. AMY Talk to Hot Neighbor again? You should facebook him. JANE (shakes her head) Temptress. I'm resolved. Charlie runs down. Wet from the shower, discombobulated. pecks Amy, grabs food off a plate. He's out of sorts. AMY Oversleep? CHARLIE Didn't. (off her look) Weird dreams. Charlie gives Jane a quick peck and follows Amy out. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT YARD -- DAY Amy and Charlie head to the car. Charlie turns -- looks back at JERRY'S HOUSE. The blacked out windows... AMY What? Charlie snaps out of it. It's crazy to even entertain Ed's theories. 31 CHARLIE Nothing. That guy was such a tool. AMY (HUMORING HIM) Totally. Poser. She gets in the car. Smiles a little. FADE TO: INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY Charlie's in class. He's restless, agitated. On his pad, he absently draws VAMPIRE images, blood... TEACHER Sally Cabella? SALLY Here. TEACHER Ed Lee? Nothing. Charlie looks up. TEACHER (CONT'D) Edward Lee? Charlie looks around. No Ed. And just like he said -- quite a few other kids are missing. Charlie takes this in, looks around. ABOVE CHARLIE SEATS ALL AROUND HIM ARE EMPTY. This time it makes an impact. EXT. BASEBALL FIELD -- DAY Charlie, Mark, Ben and the rest of the guys get ready for practice. Mark's in the middle of a story, but Charlie is distracted -- barely listening. MARK .she's wearing a jumpsuit, dude. Like -- one zip and POP! CHARLIE Huh. 32 MARK What's up with you? Dreaming about your little boyfriend? Charlie takes this in, worried. CHARLIE You see him around today? Ed? BEN I don't track "it's" whereabouts. What did he want, anyway? CHARLIE Nothing. Homework stuff. But Charlie's clearly distracted. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Look, I have to go. MARK Now? You're ditching? I'll bail with you. CHARLIE No -- I'm -- I don't feel so well. He takes off. Ben and Mark watch him, perplexed. EXT. ED'S HOUSE -- DAY Another suburban development. Rows and rows of red tile roofs, houses stacked right on top of one another... Charlie rings the bell of a modest place. Not as big as where Charlie and Jane live. But nice, well-tended for. ED's mom, VICTORIA, answers. She's surprised to see him. VICTORIA Charlie! CHARLIE Yeah, Hi Mrs. Lee. Victoria breaks into a wide smile. VICTORIA God you're a sight for sore eyes. 33. INT. ED'S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Victoria pulls Charlie in and hugs him, happy. Calls out-- VICTORIA Rick! Charlie's here! (TO CHARLIE) Look at you. So handsome! CHARLIE Oh, I -- you don't have to-- Now RICK, Ed's dad comes into the room. Shakes his hand. RICK Ed said you'd sprouted. And you're, the-- Rick awkwardly gestures around his face. CHARLIE Cleared up. Yes sir-- VICTORIA Ed will be so sorry he missed you, But -- you should both be in school now, shouldn't you? CHARLIE He's not here? Did you see him today? RICK He's usually up and out early. Everything okay? CHARLIE No, sure. We're working on a class project. I guess we crossed paths. VICTORIA I'm so glad you're doing that. Ed, he'd be mad that I said so, but he talks about you all the time. This lands hard on Charlie. How remiss he's been. CHARLIE Yeah. That's... He's great. (THEN) Would it be okay if I went upstairs? Ed has a book we need. 34. VICTORIA Of course. Make yourself at home. Charlie goes upstairs. Victoria makes a face at Rick -- "that's good!" They're both pleased. INT. ED'S ROOM -- DAY Ed's room is a shrine to comic books, horror and fantasy movies. There's an art table where Ed has been working on some illustrations for a noir-style graphic novel. Charlie stops and looks at them. They're fantastic. He looks at the photos on the wall -- including a few pictures of Ed, Charlie and Adam when they were friends. CLOSE ON A PHOTO Charlie and Ed, arms around each other. Charlie is shorter and thinner -- with really bad acne. Not cute. WAY not. ON CHARLIE Ouch. Best not to dwell. He turns and sees-- PETER VINCENT'S "FRIGHT NIGHT" POSTER on a wall. Charlie takes it in, laughs a little. Then Charlie examines a WHOLE WALL devoted to Ed's investigation of Jerry. Maps, news reports, vampire lore printed off the internet, books, etc. If you didn't know the difference, you'd say it's just more of Ed's fictional world. Charlie stares at it all for a beat. Then shakes his head. It's all a fantasy -- nothing more. CHARLIE This is crazy. He starts to take off. But sees that Ed's computer is on -- and one file stands out. "THE JERRY DIARIES." Charlie gives in to his curiosity -- clicks it open -- finds a bunch of Quicktime files. He opens one. Stops. CLOSE ON COMPUTER 35. As BLURRY short clips play: Jerry's truck, in motion but it looks like NOBODY'S DRIVING IT. DORIS the neighbor chatting on Jerry's lawn -- with nobody. Over and over, it's appears that JERRY DOESN'T SHOW UP on video. OFF CHARLIE Taking this in. Chilled. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- NIGHT It's dark as Charlie comes home. He looks warily at Jerry's house as he searches for his keys. BAM -- he walks right into JERRY. JERRY Hey guy. Charlie tries to maintain his cool. What if Jerry is what Ed thought? Impossible, but... CHARLIE Hey. Guy. JERRY You could really do me a solid. CHARLIE Yeah? What kind. JERRY I have a girl on her way over for a beer, and I'm totally out of beer. They're at Charlie's back door, the one that leads to the kitchen. CHARLIE Bummer. JERRY Set me up, I'll pay you back two times. A sixer for your mom, and one for you. CHARLIE Uh, yeah, sure. 36. Jerry watches Charlie as he unlocks the door. This is when Charlie should invite him in. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Let me see what Mom's got. She's kind of a "light domestic".. .mom. Charlie steps inside. Pointedly DOESN'T ask Jerry to enter. Charlie intentionally leaves the door open, moves to the refrigerator. But keeps his eyes on Jerry. If he steps in, uninvited, Ed's theory is blown. JERRY Nice kitchen. Same floor plan as my place, huh? Jerry leans against the door jamb -- BUT DOES NOT CROSS THE THRESHOLD. Charlie observes this. Holy shit. Charlie and Jerry MEET EYES. Then a cold smile creeps over Jerry's face. Charlie fumbles, lets one of the wet beers slide from his hand -- it hits the ground, explodes. CHARLIE Fuck! JERRY Can I help you with that? CHARLIE No! No. Thanks. I'll get it. Jerry takes in Charlie's frantic refusal. Now he's darkly certain. He's been made. Charlie tosses the broken bottle into the sink. Moves to the doorway with the remaining beers. Charlie hands them over the threshold. But doesn't cross. CHARLIE (CONT'D) There you go. Uh...party down. Jerry watches him, intense. His tone shifts -- cocky and intimidating. A threat disguised as "guy talk." JERRY This girl tonight -- she's a handful. You know. (MORE) 37. JERRY (CONT'D) Women who look a certain way, they need to be managed. CHARLIE Yeah. JERRY You don't mind my saying, you got a lot on your shoulders for a kid. Your pal, Amy? She's ripe. Must be a line of guys dying to pluck that. Your mom too -- you don't see it, maybe you do -- she's giving it off. It's on you to watch out for them. You up for that? Charlie's burning. But holds himself in check. CHARLIE I think I can manage. JERRY Good. Cause there are bad people out there, man. Better keep an eye on your women. Jerry backs away, intimidating even as he retreats. JERRY (CONT'D) Thanks for the beers. Charlie watches him move into the dark. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - CHARLIE'S ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie bursts into his room, freaked out -- races to the window. His room is free of all geekery. Now it's all sports and sneakerhead stuff. AMY's there -- on his bed and surrounded by school books. She's reading Wuthering Heights. AMY Where've you been? You told me to meet you here an hour ago. CHARLIE'S POV Jerry's nowhere to be seen and his house is quiet. Lights on behind BLACKED OUT WINDOWS. 38. AMY (CONT'D) Hello? Charlie breaks away from the window. It's an effort. His focus is still half there, even as he tries to talk to Amy. CHARLIE Sorry. You okay? Everything okay? He checks his phone. Checks for anything from ED. Nothing. AMY Yeah. Why shouldn't it be? CHARLIE No, it should. Nothing. AMY (re: her book) You ever read this? It's good. Sexy, actually. Amy moves to Charlie. Puts her arms around him. AMY (CONT'D) In a frustrated, unconsummated sort of way. CHARLIE Like us, you mean. Amy laughs, pulls him onto the bed. She's feeling frisky. AMY Kinda makes it hotter. CHARLIE Yeah, so you keep saying. He smiles a little. She kisses him. But feels his distance. AMY Am I boring you? What's up? CHARLIE What? No. I'm kind of wiped out, that's all. AMY I can fix that. She kisses him again. Despite himself, Charlie gets drawn in and turned on. She pulls back, serious. 39. AMY (CONT'D) Want to get under the covers? CHARLIE -- now? Seriously? AMY Calm down. Let's just... see how it goes. Charlie's dying inside. Now?! Could not be a worse time. CHARLIE Believeme when I say--thereis nothing in the worldI'dratherdo BUT-- AMY Charlie. Don't be nervous. She kisses him again. It's intense, passionate. Charlie weakens a little. Maybe death and mayhem can wait... Amy moves to take off her top. Oh. My. God-- DING DONG. Somebody is ringing the bell at Jerry's. Charlie stops. Practically tosses Amy off him. CHARLIE You hear that? He rushes to the window. Looks outside. CHARLIE'S POV DORIS is at Jerry's front door. Holding a bottle of wine. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Shit. AMY What? JERRY comes to the door. He and Doris start chatting. She's flirting up a storm. CHARLIE Shit, shit, shit-- Amy sees what Charlie sees. Shrugs. AMY He's hot. She's a stripper. They were bound to find each other. 40. CHARLIE GO-GO DANCER-- AMY Take away two tiny pieces of cloth, stripper. (LIGHTLY) You jealous? CHARLIE What? No-- Jerry is showing Doris in when he stops-and looks DIRECTLY AT CHARLIE. It's chilling. Charlie DIVES away from the window, grabbing Amy and pulling her down too. CHARLIE (CONT'D) He looked right at us. AMY Maybe. Not a big deal-- Charlie's freaked now. Doris is IN THERE. CHARLIE No, it is a big. A very big. He saw us and he was pissed. AMY Okay... Amy moves away. Looking at him skeptically. AMY (CONT'D) If you're not into this, say so. Don't do me any favors. CHARLIE What? No! I am, I totally am. just -- I don't trust that guy. He glances out the window again. Amy's irritated, not used to having her passes rejected. She gathers her stuff. AMY I'm going. CHARLIE Amy. Don't-- 41. AMY No. You've got your neighborhood watch thing. CHARLIE Come on, don't be that way-- But she's gone. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Crap! A beat. Charlie's torn -- he should go after her. But Doris's muted LAUGH from the other house draws his attention. He looks again at Jerry's house. He can see faint shadows moving behind the windows in the house, like ghosts. Charlie's conflicted, freaked -- what can he do? He picks up the phone. Dials 911. Then thinks better of it. Hangs up. Finally -- he stops at the window, eyes on JERRY'S PLACE. Listening and watching intently. Keeping sentry. FADE TO: INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- CHARLIE'S ROOM -- NIGHT Later. Charlie's fallen asleep in a chair by the window. He's startled awake by a woman's SCREAMS. They sound like they are coming from Jerry's. But are they screams of pleasure or pain? Charlie looks out the window. Jerry's house is dark. It's all quiet. Charlie looks at the clock. tam. Charlie sits back on his bed. Was it a dream? Then Charlie hears A MOTOR START. Charlie goes back to the window. Jerry's TRUCK starts and Jerry drives off. Off Charlie, unsettled. CUT TO: EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- BACKYARD -- NIGHT A short while later. Charlie moves cautiously into Jerry's backyard. He's wearing ALL BLACK and his dad's old winter gloves. He looks at his iPhone. ON THE PHONE -- a diagram. "How to pick a lock." 42. Charlie steels his nerves. At Jerry's back door, he clumsily tries to pick the lock. After a moment or two, he realizes he has no idea what he's doing. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Crap. He walks away from the door, frustrated. Then turns and impulsively tries to KICK IN the DOOR with his foot. Nothing happens. Then something occurs to Charlie. He goes into the garden. CHARLIE (CONT'D) The Perrys... Charlie finds a FAKE ROCK. Turns it over. It has a KEY in it. Charlie's like -- duh. He puts the key in the back door lock. It opens. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE - NIGHT Charlie moves through the first story of the house. He's cautious, on edge. At first the place seems totally unremarkable. A typical "guy pad". Lots of inexpensive furniture, bad art, a salt water fish tank... At every turn, Charlie expects something or someone to jump out at him. It's unbearably tense. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS -- NIGHT Charlie looks upstairs. Moves through a plain white hallway, finds an open door that leads to Jerry's office, where he keeps an EXTENSIVE LIBRARY. On one wall hangs a TAPESTRY that looks very old, decorated with a strange INSIGNIA. Charlie takes a picture of it with his phone. INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Charlie goes into Jerry's bedroom - opens his closet. Sees a variety of UNIFORMS. Cop, gas man, UPS, etc. Charlie reacts, chilled. Charlie stops. JERRY'S TRUCK is pulling into the driveway. Charlie's in a panic. Jerry will be inside any moment. 43. There's no time to get out so Charlie ducks into the CLOSET. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- CLOSET -- NIGHT Charlie pushes as far back into the closet as he can go. Leans against the back wall. The BACK OF THE CLOSET SWINGS OPEN and Charlie falls back into a HIDDEN HALLWAY. Charlie stands, stunned, see that the hallway is lined by small rooms on either side. It's clear that these are additions Jerry's added. Each room has a small rectangular WINDOW, so you can see in. Charlie reacts, sick. It looks like a prison. Despite the danger, he creeps over and looks in one of the rooms-- WHAM!! A pale HAND slaps against the window. Charlie jumps. CHARLIE Fuck! -- DORIS is in the window now. Bruised and so pale she looks almost BLUE. DORIS Help... CHARLIE Oh my God. Oh, shit-- Charlie tugs on the door. Locked. He stands back, what to do? Charlie hears a NOISE. The FRONT DOOR. And then -- JERRY'S FOOTSTEPS approaching. DORIS Oh... Oh no... Get me out of here! Doris pounds on the door. In a cold panic. CHARLIE I'm -- I won't leave you-- But Charlie has no choice. The footsteps are getting CLOSER. DORIS Please! No! Don't go! 44. Charlie ducks inside one of the CELLS across from Doris, moves behind the door. JERRY steps into the hallway, walks right by Charlie's hiding place. Pauses near him. The door is ajar. Was it that way before? Charlie holds his breath. Jerry moves to the CELL and retrieves DORIS's half-alive body from it. Charlie cautiously looks through the crack in the door. DORIS (CONT'D) .no... . God, no... please... The door to Doris's cell open. Charlie can see PART of Doris's body and face. Jerry is mostly obscured, bent over Doris -- holding her. Charlie watches helplessly, horrified. DORIS (CONT'D) Please, please... don't kill me. Doris's body TENSES and starts to jerk, as Jerry TUGS AND RIPS AT IT SAVAGELY. It's clear he's FEEDING ON HER, although we can't see his face. Doris screams, then starts to cry. It's stark and REAL and terrifying. It seems to go on and on. Doris weakens, her head lolling to one side, her light fading. A small stream of blood spreads across the white pavement. In the position she's in, she is eye to eye with CHARLIE. She sees him, smiles weakly. Then mouths something -- too weak to make much sound. DORIS (CONT'D) Cha... Cha... CHARLIE is petrified. Doris gets it -- smiles a little grimly, puts a finger to her lips. Silence. After what seems like an eternity, Jerry is satisfied. He tosses Doris aside and stands away from her. Charlie DUCKS behind the door as Jerry emerges and casually wipes a spot of blood from his mouth. 45. Then Jerry LOCKS DORIS back into her cell. Pockets the key and moves off toward the stairs. After a moment, he's gone. The sound of a TV starts in Jerry's living room. Something banal like "The Real Housewives of Orange County." Charlie knows this is his moment. With shaking hands, he retrieves his iPhone and pulls up the "HOW TO PICK A LOCK" screen. Charlie looks through the window in Doris's cell. She's breathing -- alive. Charlie whispers to himself as he uses a bobby pin and a tiny screwdriver on the lock. CHARLIE Please... Please... The bobby pin slips. Drops. Charlie's losing it. Steadies himself. Tries again. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Come on. The tension is unbearable. Charlie can hear JERRY moving downstairs. CLICK The lock slides open. Charlie breathes with relief. Then he grabs Doris and BOLTS. Charlie SLIPS in a pool of blood left behind from Jerry's feeding, but he manages to stay on his feet. He pushes Doris ahead of him, to a BACK STAIRCASE. His PHONE drops out of his pocket, he has to double back -- every moment counts. Doris's barely aware of what's happening, let alone where she is. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- STAIRWELL/ENTRY -- DAWN A moment later. Charlie and Doris emerge downstairs, near the entry hall. They can see the front door -- and hear Jerry moving in another room. Charlie looks around, trying to get oriented. JERRY emerges -- almost sees them. Charlie ducks into a hiding spot and grabs Doris, covering her mouth. 46. A long beat as Jerry returns to the living room with a beer. Settles in a chair facing away from the door. Charlie considers his options. Says almost silently: CHARLIE Same floor plan. He grabs Doris and bolts for the kitchen. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DAWN A back door. Leading out. Charlie and Doris race for it, DORIS stumbles and bumps into a chair. Stifles a cry. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- DAWN Jerry turns at the noise. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DAWN Charlie throws the back door open, he and DORIS ESCAPE. EXT. JERRY HOUSE -- DAWN The sun is just starting to rise. Charlie races for his house, with Doris holding on to him tight. She's crying with gratitude and relief, manages-- DORIS Thank you, thank you... Doris looks up at him, her EYES TURNING BLACK, her veins going gray. A first ray of pure sunlight hits them. CHARLIE Doris? In a flash, DORIS starts to BURN. Charlie is helpless to stop it as she GOES UP IN FLAMES and explodes. CHARLIE REACTS Horrified. In shock. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DAWN Jerry moves into the kitchen. 47. The back door is closed now -- but the blinds sway slightly. And there are BLOODY prints on the floor from Charlie's sneakers. Jerry takes this in, coldly furious. FADE TO: INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- CHARLIE'S ROOM -- DAWN Charlie sits on his bed -- still in a state of shock. This shit is for real. Jane comes to the door, her knock cursory. She enters. JANE You're going to be late. Jane moves to the windows, throws the curtains open. Charlie winces at the sun. He got no sleep, looks like hell. JANE (CONT'D) The hours you keep. It's like living with a vampire. Charlie stops. Looks at her. She has no idea. CHARLIE Listen -- promise me -- that guy next door, Jerry? Under no circumstances do you invite him into our house. He's dangerous. JANE I think I can handle myself. CHARLIE No, no you can't-- JANE CHARLIE Charlie-- Don't even look in his direction, understand? And at night, you stay inside. JANE Because he's dangerous. What kind of dangerous? Charlie starts gathering his things. Getting ready to bolt. 48. CHARLIE Can you trust me? For once, don't ask a million questions-- JANE Charlie. Stop. I'm your mom, not some ridiculous woman-- CHARLIE (GENUINE) I'm sorry. Okay? I know... We just don't have time for a big thing! I'm telling you-- JANE That's enough. I'm done with this conversation. She moves away. CHARLIE Mom! Mom-- But she's gone. Charlie looks after her, worried. EXT./INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY Later. Charlie approaches the school. Kids swarm around him, happy and care-free. Charlie's in another world. INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- LIBRARY -- DAY CLOSE ON A COMPUTER SCREEN As various pages pop up-- VAMPIRE FAQ True VAMPIRE tales! VAMPIRE chat city How to kill a vampire ON CHARLIE As he scrolls and frantically scribbles notes. CLOSE ON CHARLIE'S NOTE PAD/COMPUTER SCREEN As Charlie notes tons of CONTRADICTORY facts; 49. Vamps must avoid all daylight. Vamps can walk in fog or twilight. Vamps always sleep in the dirt. Vamps never sleep. Vamps can only die from stake through the heart. Vamps only die from Fire. Three bites to turn a victim into a vamp. One bite and the victim has to feed from the vamp... Vamps change form -- bats, animals, etc. Vamps absolutely can NOT shape-shift. ON CHARLIE We see now that he's on a computer in the SCHOOL LIBRARY, isolated behind some stacks. He clicks a link on one of the sites -- which leads him to PETER VINCENT'S website. It's an elaborate interactive site. It says that Vincent is a serious student of all things occult -- especially VAMPIRES -- and has amassed a vast collection of books and artifacts. It also claims that there are different TRIBES of vampires. ON CHARLIE'S NOTEBOOK He writes in big letters TRIBES? PETER VINCENT -- VAMP EXPERT? AMY (O.S.) Hey. Charlie looks up. Amy stands over him, a little wary. Charlie covers his writing and closes his computer screen. He looks like hell. Disheveled, sleep deprived, tense. CHARLIE Hey... AMY You weren't in class. What are you working on? CHARLIE Porn. Hacked it. 50. AMY Oh, good. I thought it was something creepy. Charlie nods. Smiles wanly. Then-- CHARLIE Look, I'd better... AMY Get back to your porn. Got it. She looks away, losing patience. Charlie rallies. CHARLIE No. Sorry. I'm just -- I could use some coffee. She looks back. Okay. EXT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- QUAD -- DAY Charlie and Amy sit in the busy quad. CHARLIE We can't hang out at my house any more. My mom's flipping out about some stuff. I can see you at school, but for a while -- AMY Why? What's going on? CHARLIE It's hard to explain. Just... What can he say? He has to protect her, but how? BEN AND MARK Join them. Notice how tweaked Charlie looks. BEN You look like dog shit. CHARLIE Thanks. MARK Your pal the spaz, his folks were here earlier. It's a big thing. CHARLIE What? Why? 51. MARK I don't know. He ran away or something. They were all upset, talking to the principal. BEN One less tweaker clogging up the halls. Charlie stands, upset. CHARLIE Shut up. MARK BEN Charlie-- Chill out- CHARLIE (CONT'D) You don't know what you're talking about. He could be dead for all you know. Mark steps in. Calming, reasonable. MARK You're right. Not cool. You're worried and it's totally understandable. (THEN) But he's better off, man. He'll be happier with the other trolls on the shire. That's it. Charlie DECKS MARK. They go to the ground and Charlie lets loose on him. A bunch of other guys pull them apart amid shouts, etc. Mark is bloodied and freaked. MARK (CONT'D) What the fuck man!? AMY stands back, appalled. AMY Charlie!! What the hell is wrong with you?! CHARLIE (TO MARK) You're an idiot, you know that? (SUPER EMPHATIC) And it's HOBBITS on the shire! 52. Charlie turns to Amy-- CHARLIE (CONT'D) Come on. But she shakes her head and moves to MARK and BEN. CHARLIE (CONT'D) AMY-- AMY Just get out of here, Charlie. Go. He knows it's over. Heartbroken, he takes off. FADE TO: EXT. THE STRIP -- DAY Charlie gets off the bus and walks toward one of the nicer hotels. He's looking at another "how to" on his phone. "How to meet a celebrity." INT. HOTEL LOBBY -- DAY CLOSE ON -- A NEWSPAPER STAND As Charlie grabs a LAS VEGAS SUN from a rack. INT. HOTEL LOBBY -- ELEVATOR -- DAY Charlie watches a bunch of CONVENTIONEERS with BADGES in the FOOD COURT. A guy about Charlie's size leaves his coat and badge on his chair -- goes to get his food. Charlie sweeps in and quietly takes it. INT. HOTEL SHOWROOM -- DAY CLOSE ON PETER VINCENT 40's, but all wiry rock n' roll attitude. Leather pants and tattoos, Long black hair wrapped in a bandana. Dark painted nails and heavy eye make-up. HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARES. 53. The whole scene is OVER THE TOP GOTH cheesiness. Lots of stage effects and fire... PAMELA ANDERSON look-alikes in skimpy outfits prance on stage as another SEXY GIRL is handcuffed, S&M style, to a CIRCULAR TORTURE BOARD. ON THE AUDIENCE We see that this is a run-through. Tech guys work light boards, etc. A director and scattered others sit in the seats. CHARLIE Sneaks in one of the back doors. Silently moves close to the stage. He's WEARING THE STOLEN COAT. The badge holder now has the SUN masthead logo inside. It looks, at first glance, like a legit credential. ON STAGE Peter reveals a tray full of SHARP DAGGERS. He raises them to the audience. PETER The knives are real. He CUTS his OWN PALM with one, bleeds. Doesn't even wince. Stud. PETER (CONT'D) The girl is real. He GRABS HER, feels her up. She giggles. SEXY ASSISTANT Ooooo! Peter YANKS down on the circular board the assistant's tied to -- sending her SPINNING. PETER And if I miss, she'll really be dead. The music switches. It's all TENSION. Peter FLINGS a dagger. SCHWACK! The assistant DUCKS as the KNIFE embeds in the board behind her, this close where her head was. She screams! Breaks character. 54. SEXY ASSISTANT Holy Shit! Pete! Also out of character -- PETER speaks in a thick QUEEN'S ACCENT. PETER You can't say that! (moves to her) Stop the-- STOP. CUT!! The music stops. The spinning board stops. SEXY ASSISTANT You almost tore my extensions out! Why do you have to throw a real knife!? PETER (RE: KNIFE) It barely cuts! That board is like butter. He tears the MAKEUP appliance off his hand that made it look like he cut himself. The assistant pulls out of her VELCRO straps. SEXY ASSISTANT Everybody else fakes it! PETER But this looks authentic-- SEXY ASSISTANT Then learn how to throw! She stomps off the stage. Peter can't believe it. PETER Screw this. He starts to stalk off stage. CHARLIE rushes toward him. CHARLIE Mr. Vincent! Mr. Vincent-- A tech guy moves in on Charlie. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Charles Brewster. From the Sun? We had an appointment. PETER I don't think so. Talk to my guy. 55 CHARLIE We're doing a piece -- "Vampires. Separating myth from fact." PETER You want a comment? That's a shit idea for an article. Peter starts to move off. Charlie, anxious, follows. CHARLIE Please. I really -- I need your expertise. You're the man on this stuff, right? Peter sees how desperate Charlie is. Stops. PETER What is this, like your first assignment? CHARLIE Actually -- yeah. PETER (takes this in/then) Ten minutes. INT. PETER VINCENT'S PENTHOUSE - NIGHT Peter lives in a two story penthouse at the top of one of the casino hotels that he works in. It's lavish, floor to ceiling windows, etc. Still, goth influence reigns. The decor is tacky Haunted Mansion all the way. Charlie is shown into the "museum" by Peter's ASSISTANT, ARTHUR, who looks and sounds A LOT LIKE PETER. ARTHUR Don't touch anything, dude. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/LIBRARY -- NIGHT Charlie enters -- comes face to face with a SNARLING WEREWOLF. He starts. Then realizes it's a life-size model. CHARLIE Ho -- wow. 56. Charlie stands back, takes in the place. It's an amazing combination of FANTASY memorabilia and ACTUAL occult weapons and objects. It seems to go on and on. ARTHUR Got rooms of this crap. Ebay. Charlie examines a case that holds all kinds of TORTURE DEVICES and battle axes, as well as SPIKED BALL MACES, etc. Cases hold ancient texts and scrolls, haunted objects, etc. CHARLIE Amazing. Charlie is genuinely impressed. The geek in him can't help it. Peter enters, talks to Arthur-- PETER Midori me. Arthur pours Peter a green drink as Peter pulls off his black wig (bandana attached) and peels off a nude body shirt that has a bunch of TATTOOS printed on it. He steps out of his boots, with three-inch LIFTS. Collapses into an arm chair. He's just another balding, middle-aged guy with bad eyes. Peter downs his drink. Arthur hands him the bottle. Peter looks at Charlie. In truth, Peter's isolated himself to the point that he actually welcomes a visitor -- though he'd never admit it. PETER (CONT'D) (RE: MIDORI) Looks like pee but I'm hooked. You want? CHARLIE No, thanks. Not...on the job. Peter scratches avidly at his crotch. PETER Leather, it doesn't breath. You know? Fucking rashes are killing me... So I'm your expert, huh? For your vampire thing. (BITTER) They're all the rage, huh. 57. CHARLIE Yeah. I guess... So -- say I want to kill one. But really. How how would you do it? PETER Depends. You got fire, beheading. Or go classic -- stake through the heart. Bam! CHARLIE So all that actually works? PETER How the fuck do I know. CHARLIE I thought you're-- PETER I read books, man. You think I'm hanging out with Dracula and the Easter Bunny? CHARLIE Sorry. No. Charlie realizes he has no choice. He has to reveal more. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I -- I have a personal interest in this story. (off Peter's look) A friend's missing, actually. I think one of them got him. PETER Them, meaning a "vampire." CHARLIE Jerry. He lives next door to me. PETER "Jerry?" CHARLIE I know. (THEN) But it's no joke. If you look at these clips, you'll see. They take some time to load but... Charlie moves to Peter, shows him his phone. Digs into his pocket. 58. CHARLIE (CONT'D) And I printed up some photos I took. In his place. Or lair... Charlie put the photos in front of Peter on the table. Peter's expression closes. He stands, pissed. PETER Arthur! CHARLIE No, come on, I'm-- PETER You're a nutjob. Arthur! Charlie deflates -- his desperation showing again. CHARLIE Listen to me. I saw it. I saw him kill a girl. She burned up in my hands. You have to tell me how to stop him. Arthur enters. PETER Get this loser out of my sight. CHARLIE I know what I saw. PETER No you don't. See this guy? He gestures to ARTHUR. PETER (CONT'D) My cousin, Art. He's "me" on stage. That's how I teleport. People see what they want to see. CHARLIE (URGENT) This is what you've been looking for, I promise. I can take you to him, to his place. PETER In Clark County Nevada. A hot bed of supernatural activity. 59. CHARLIE Yes! It's genius. A transient population. A town where people work all night, sleep all day... PETER A town full of con-artists. (not buying it) No. You're working me, or somebody's working you. Charlie's getting angry now. CHARLIE He already got my friend! I know how I sound. But I'm not crazy. I didn't want this. I don't want to know this. Just tell me what to do! Peter feels Charlie's sincerity. For a moment he looks genuinely conflicted. But his expression hardens. PETER Run. CHARLIE What? PETER You heard me. He moves away. But Charlie is on his heels. Peter looks to ARTHUR, nods. CHARLIE So I save my own skin so he can keep killing!? I won't. We have to kill him! Please!-- Arthur THROWS Charlie out, the door closed firmly behind him. INT. PETER VINCENT'S PENTHOUSE -- OUTER HALL -- DUSK Charlie stands, shut out. What the hell is he going to do now? FADE TO: 60. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE/JERRY'S HOUSE -- DUSK Moving in on the Brewster home, an odd sight is revealed. Every window is draped with strings of GARLIC. Charlie's revealed in his window -- hammering up another long rope of the stuff. His gaze falls on JERRY'S HOUSE and we follow it. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- CHARLIE'S ROOM -- DUSK Now we find that Charlie's entire room is decked out in anti- vamp decor. Not just the garlic but crosses and other religious pictures, etc. Charlie LOOKS at the clock -- night coming too quickly. He's grimly focused as he starts sharpening a STAKE. A knock. Jane doesn't enter this time. Another knock. CHARLIE What? Jane walks in. Takes in the decor. JANE The whole house looks like that show Dark Shadows. CHARLIE It's a gag. For Amy. Long story. JANE (takes this in/then) You like her a lot, don't you? A moment when they could connect. But Charlie just nods. Jane's disappointed. Then-- JANE (CONT'D) Don't use tape on the walls. (THEN) Oh. Ed's parents left a few messages, looking for him. Charlie looks up at this. Pained. CHARLIE Okay. He goes back to his work. Jane looks at him for a beat, then she starts to go. 61. THE DOORBELL RINGS. Before Jane can really react, Charlie pushes past her. CHARLIE (CONT'D) DON'T. Don't open it. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- DUSK Charlie races downstairs. Stops. AMY is standing in the living room. CHARLIE How'd you get in?! AMY It was unlocked. CHARLIE MOM! You have to lock the door! AMY Okay, whatever, listen. You're flipping out. Punching out your friends and blowing everything off and is that a stake? A beat. He forgot he was holding it. He hides it behind his back. CHARLIE No. Amy sits, upset. Looks around and sees that the living room is decked in more anti-vamp decor. AMY Look. Even if you're losing it -- you don't get to blow me off. You don't go from something to nothing overnight. (EMOTIONAL) You're not nothing to me, Charlie. Whatever's happening, just -- talk to me. Charlie takes this in, emotional. But-- CHARLIE I can't let you get hurt. You need to forget about me for a while. 62. AMY What? How am I going to get hurt? Tell me. Charlie-- Now there's another KNOCK at the door. Jane comes downstairs- JANE I got it-- CHARLIE NO. Don't answer it. A tense moment. Another knock. INNERCUT WITH EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT DOOR -- DUSK JERRY stands at the door. Quietly enraged. JANE This is ridiculous-- JERRY Jane. It's Jerry from next door-- CHARLIE I'm telling you, don't answer it! JANE This is my house. I'll answer the door if I want to. She starts to move to the door again. Charlie blocks her way, desperate. CHARLIE Mom. He murdered Ed and Adam. And I have proof. Jane is stunned, at a loss. From the other side of the door-- JERRY (O.S.) Jane? I need to talk to you. JANE Just-- Hold on! JERRY (O.S.) Now. Your son is harassing me! He pounds on the door. Jane examines Charlie closely. 63 JANE Charlie. What's happening? CHARLIE Whatever he says, don't-- JERRY (O.S.) He broke into my house. I'd rather not take this to the authorities. But I will! He's sick, deluded-- CHARLIE Mom. A tense beat... Finally-- JANE (YELLS/ANGRY) Get the authorities! My son is a good kid! Charlie sags with relief. A brief look of appreciation passes between Charlie and Jane. ON JERRY As he backs away from the door. His expression goes cold. He disappears into the dark. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie races to a window. SEES JERRY MOVE out of sight. CHARLIE Shit, shit... JANE What? What is he doing? CHARLIE Whatever it is, it's not good. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT YARD -- NIGHT Jerry stands back, intense. He's got to take care of this problem NOW. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie's running from window to window now, trying to see what's going on. 64. CHARLIE Just -- if we stay in here -- he has to give up. He can't get in without an invitation. AMY OH-- (GETTING IT) Oh... Really? Like a-- CHARLIE Vampire. Really. Amy and Jane are blown away. Charlie's going crazy. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- BACKYARD -- NIGHT Jerry carries a SHOVEL and A SMALL SAW. He stalks into the Brewster's backyard, where he's hidden from the street. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Jane follows Charlie, worried. JANE Think about what you're saying-- CHARLIE I have. I've "processed," believe me. Jane takes this in. Then SMILES. JANE Ooooh. This is the gag! For Amy. I can't believe you got Jerry to go along with it! Charlie stops. Fuck. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- BACKYARD -- NIGHT CLOSE ON JERRY As he starts to DIG UNDERGROUND -- amazingly strong and swift. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie hands Amy and Jane both CROSSES on CHAINS. 65. CHARLIE Take these. Put them on. Just do it. JANE (HUMORING HIM) Okaaaay. Vampire protection! AMY I don't think this is funny. But she puts it on. EXT. BREWSTER BACKYARD -- NIGHT Jerry pulls up the NATURAL GAS LINE that leads to the BREWSTER'S HOUSE. He SAWS IT OPEN AND LIGHTS THE END ON FIRE. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM/VARIOUS -- NIGH Hisssssssssss. A strange sounds coming from under the floor. AMY WHAT'S THA-- BOOM!! The GAS FIREPLACE EXPLODES, the STOVE EXPLODES, THE WATER HEATER ALL EXPLODE at once!! WINDOWS BLOW OUT as Charlie JUMPS on Jane and Amy, dragging them to the ground. The room starts to BURN. Charlie, Amy and Jane are in a panic. They try to put the fire out, but it's no use. Charlie stops. A CHILLING SIGHT: Jerry stands on the other side of the blown-out windows. His expression dark. Through the flames he says-- JERRY Don't need an invitation if there's no house. A beat. Charlie GRABS Amy and Jane and they RUN through the house. INT/EXT. BREWSTER GARAGE/STREET - NIGHT y, Charlie and Jane race into the garage 66. AMY I can drive-- JANE I drive! They jump into Jane's car. Hit the garage opener-- CHARLIE Gun it Mom! Go!!! Jane GUNS IT THROUGH THE OPENING GARAGE DOOR, destroying it. She CLIPS Charlie's dirt bike -- pushing it onto the sidewalk as she takes off. Jane's car swings wide into the street, almost smashing into an arriving FIRE ENGINE! Charlie, Amy and Jane SCREAM!! They narrowly avoid a head-on collision with a FIRE TRUCK. ON JERRY As he sees the dirt bike in the driveway. He jumps on. Tries to start it. NO GO. Fuck. INT. JANE'S CAR -- NIGHT JANE What did we do!? What does he want!? They are racing away when the DIRT BIKE COMES CRASHING THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW of the car, nearly taking Amy's head off. AMY HOLY-- Everyone reacts. Then the BIKE STARTS - the wheels spinning wildly in the back seat. CHARLIE Amy! Amy's hair gets caught in the spokes - it's horrible as it YANKS part of her hair out. Charlie grabs her away from the bike -- she falls into his arms, crying as JERRY's BIG PICKUP appears in the rear windshield. 67. JANE He's coming! THEY SWERVE OUT THE SHADOW HILLS GATES EXT. MAJOR STREET -- NIGHT Jane speeds down the street, which is wide and not heavily trafficked here. Unlike the planned community of Shadow Hills -- now we can see we're surrounded by great expanses of empty DESERT. JERRY'S TRUCK SMASHES REPEATEDLY into JANE'S. AMY My brother has a gun! CHARLIE Good to know! Is he here?! JANE Call the police! Anybody-- Jane manages to evade Jerry until -- The TRUCK SKIDS in a long arc in front of them and BLOCKS THEM. Jane screeches to a halt. JANE (CONT'D) Oh hell. In a flash, Jerry is out of the truck and coming for them. CHARLIE GO! Go! Don't stop!! Go-- Charlie steps on the accelerator, grabs the wheel and AIMS THE CAR AT JERRY. JANE Charlie!! They RUN JERRY OVER WITH A TERRIBLE THUDDDD!!! Amy and Jane scream. Jane is aghast, stops the car. JANE (CONT'D) Oh my God!! Charlie steps on her accelerator foot, the CAR ZOOMS FORWARD. 68. AMY Are you nuts!? You can't kill that guy! CHARLIE You have no idea. (TO JANE) It's him or us. Mom. MOM. Jane looks at him -- can feel that he's telling the truth. Charlie's looking around as they speed down the highway, in the rearview. NO JERRY anywhere. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Where is he? Where'd he go? Everybody looks UP. The roof of the car. BAM! Jerry's hand SHOOTS up through the FLOORBOARD under Jane's feet. Jane and Amy SCREAM! CLOSE ON THE FLOOR OF THE CAR JERRY'S EYE glares through the small hole. It's all BLACK. No pupil. Freaky. He's TEARING THROUGH METAL from the undercarriage of the car, where he's clinging -- face up. The more he rips away -- the more he reveals his face. His veins and eyes are BLACK. His nose snout-like. And his fangs emerge from lethal rows of jagged teeth, like a SHARK. It's shocking, horrible. ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE CAR As Jerry drags over the highway, the pavement grinding away at his clothes and flesh. He reaches through the hole he's made and SLAMS his fist down on the FLOOR BREAK. The car SCREECHES to a sudden halt. ON CHARLIE, AMY and JANE Screaming even after the car has stopped. Then -- BAM!! The car is REAR-ENDED by another vehicle. It's a MINIVAN. JANE's car is SLAMMED -- the back is a crush of glass and metal. 69. A GRIM MOMENT -- only the sound of hissing air and groaning steel as everyone assesses the damage. AMY Oh... Are you-- Jane? Jane is woozy. Hurt. CHARLIE Mom? JANE I'm okay... Charlie sees that the other car is drivable. The guy inside, a FAMILY MAN, is stunned and pissed. Gets out of his car-- FAMILY MAN What the hell do you think you're doing!-- Charlie gets out of the car too. Yells, urgent-- CHARLIE NO! Hey man, stay in your-- But it's too late. The guy is met by a HORRIFIC Jerry, hideously torn and bleeding, who appears from UNDER JANE'S CAR. In a flash, Jerry grabs the guy and VAMPS, ripping the family man's NECK OUT. CLOSE ON MINIVAN As those "cute" stick figure family decals are splattered with BLOOD. AMY AND JANE Now out of the car, react. JERRY IS A FUCKING VAMPIRE. Jerry drops the business man, who's dead as he hits the ground. He moves toward them. Charlie looks at Amy and Jane. I told you so. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Yeah. Charlie urgently grabs them. Shoves them down the highway. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Get out of here. Run. Run! 70. AMY BUT-- CHARLIE Go! I'll catch up! She's hurt, get out of here! They back off. Charlie pulls a large cross out of his coat and brandishes it as he walks toward Jerry. Jerry keeps his distance, taunting HIM-- JERRY Let them run. Just makes them easier to kill when I'm done with you. Ding, ding, ding -- the family man's CAR DOOR is open and the warning bell rings over and over... CHARLIE eyes the car. Keys still in it. He circles Jerry, backing him off. CHARLIE I repel you with the power of Christ the Lord. JERRY Do you? Really? When did you take your last confession? CHARLIE Get back... JERRY That's a mighty big cross you have there. Question is -- do you actually know how to use it? Jerry LUNGES for Charlie, but he DIVES for the family man's open car door. But Jerry's on him -- hands BURNING as he rips the cross from Charlie and shatters it with his hand. Then he TOSSES Charlie, who flies and hits JANE'S CAR, then crumples to the ground. Jerry gets Charlie around the neck -- holds a sharp, splintered end of the broken cross against Charlie's chest. The wood still burns into Jerry's hand, but Jerry holds on. 71. JERRY (CONT'D) Ever take one of these in the chest? I have. Charlie struggles, terrified. JERRY (CONT'D) But they missed the heart. Rigggght... . here. Easy measurement. Jerry positions the "stake" right over Charlie's heart. Charlie winces. Terrified and overpowered. JERRY (CONT'D) Shouldn't have been so nosey. Jerry's about to plunge the STAKE through Charlie's heart when a THICK WOOD STAKE comes through Jerry's SHOULDER. Jerry HOWLS, falls off Charlie and we see that he's been staked by the business end of a REAL ESTATE SIGN. JANE stands over them, quaking with fear and adrenaline. Amy's right behind her with a CROWBAR. JANE Leave my kid alone. Jane collapses, and we see that there's a lot of BLOOD on the back of her head. CHARLIE Mom! Jerry's in agony as he stumbles away, pulls the sign post out of his shoulder. Charlie grabs his mom and drags her into her wreck of a car. Amy dives into the car with them. Charlie presses the accelerator. Will it still drive? CHARLIE (CONT'D) Come on come on come on... IT LURCHES forward, then goes. Metal scraping the ground, raining glass... but it RUNS. They start to bolt when BAM! JERRY STANDS UP right in front of the car, LUNGES AT THEM. CHARLIE RUNS OVER JERRY'S BODY AGAIN. They speed off. 72 Jerry writhes in the middle of the road. But even as he does, he HEALS. His body knitting itself back together... INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR/JANE'S ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie's giving a report to a pair of uniformed cops. COP #1 So a gas leak caused the fire at your home and... CHARLIE My mom didn't feel right, we were trying to get her to the hospital. It was stupid to let her drive. COP #1 Yeah it was. And driver who rear- ended you, you get the exact make and name of the van? CHARLIE It wasn't there when you got there? COP #2 Hit and run. Happens all the time. Charlie stifles his surprise. Nods. ANGLE ON AMY On her cell, pacing as she eyes Charlie with the cops. AMY We won't stay up all night. Bee and Cara need help with Trig -- it's not a party. Okay. Okay... (THEN/EMOTIONAL) Mom? I love you. She stops at the open door of a hospital ROOM. Her gaze FALLING ON-- JANE Who lies motionless in a bed. A doctor checks her chart. AMY hangs up. Charlie, finished with the cops, joins her. They're both pained as they look at Jane. AMY (CONT'D) Maybe you should have said something to the police. 73 CHARLIE Like what? A vampire moved next door, borrowed some beer, ate a stripper and then blew up our house because we wouldn't invite him in? Amy looks at him. AMY Okay. The DOCTOR approaches. DOCTOR You should get some rest. CHARLIE She's going to wake up, right? DOCTOR Assuming the swelling is minimal, I hope so. CHARLIE But you don't know. DOCTOR Not yet. We need to give it time. The doctor puts a hand on Charlie's shoulder, leaves. Charlie turns away, upset. Amy watches, feeling helpless. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/LIBRARY -- NIGHT Peter, in a bathrobe, looks out his floor-to-ceiling windows at the lights of the strip. The ASSISTANT from the show toddles out on high heels and a ridiculous mini-dress. Her hair is messy, post sex. ASSISTANT Bye babe. Good show tonight. He's barely paying attention. PETER You were late again on "The Devil's Torture Chamber." But she's gone. A beat. He moves back toward the library shelves. As he does he notices the PHOTOS Charlie took at Jerry's place. 74. Absently, he sifts through them. Stops. He picks up the one of the INSIGNIA. Peter reacts. Stunned. This means something to him. He goes to a WALL SAFE. Opens it. Hidden inside are a bunch of personal items. Some from his childhood. Old photos of his mother and father... And a hand-drawn sketch, in a youthful scrawl, of THE INSIGNIA. He puts the two side by side. They MATCH. Off PETER, looking at the sketches. Haunted. INT. HOSPITAL -- JANE'S ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie and Amy sit on a tiny couch. Both are scared and regretful. CHARLIE This is my fault. AMY You didn't make any of it happen. CHARLIE Ed came to me. I turned my back on him. AMY How were you supposed to believe him? None of it makes sense. CHARLIE He did talk a lot of demented crap. (but.. ) He was my best friend. He asked me, begged me, to believe him. AMY People change. Everybody-- CHARLIE Yeah they do. I turned into a dick. I figured my dweeb past, not big with the ladies. AMY (WRY) So you're saying this is my fault. 75. CHARLIE I wanted you to like me. I tried to erase Ed -- all of it. I know how that feels. AMY I knew you were a dweeb. (off his look) You think I want a "dude" like Mark or Ben? I like that you're different... It didn't hurt that your skin cleared up. She smiles, takes his hand. A sweet, connected moment. Then something alarming occurs to Amy: AMY (CONT'D) I can't believe we didn't have sex. CHARLIE AMY- AMY No, seriously. I'm going to die a virgin? Me? How did this happen? CHARLIE We're not going to die-- AMY But what if we do? Let's do it. Now. The bathroom. Charlie. A beat. CHARLIE I think we should kill the vampire first. I'll perform much better. They laugh -- trying not to cry. Then: AMY Oh my God, Charlie. What are we going to do? CHARLIE We're going to fight. Then Charlie's phone rings. He answers. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Hello? INNERCUT WITH: 76. INT. PETER'S VINCENT'S PENTHOUSE -- LIBRARY -- NIGHT Peter stands with the photo of the insignia in hand. PETER I can help you. My place. One hour. EXT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY -- DAY A few minutes later. Charlie and Amy move out of Jane's room. AMY The Peter Vincent? CHARLIE Under-whelming, believe me. But he's what we've got. They close Jane's door and we see that it's COVERED in CROSSES of every shape and size. It's quite a spectacle. A nurse passes, looks at Charlie and Amy quizzically. CHARLIE (CONT'D) My mom is very religious. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/LIBRARY - NIGHT CLOSE ON A MIDORI cocktail WIDEN to reveal that PETER is pouring himself a whopper. Amy and Charlie sit nearby. PETER I'll tell you what I know, but that's it. Don't expect me to join your Scooby gang. CHARLIE Anything. I'll take it. PETER I found the origin of that insignia you showed me. It's a species that originated in the Mediterranean. They nest in the earth -- explains that hole you saw. And they kill slowly, keep their victims alive for days. (MORE) 77. PETER (CONT'D) (GRIM) "Snackers." CHARLIE So -- they turn all of them? (off Amy's look) Make their victims into vampires. AMY I know. I read. PETER No. It takes a while before they complete the change. They usually finish them off before that. AMY So how do you kill these guys, this "tribe"? PETER Usual stuff. But it's a strong breed. You need a plan-- A VOICE interrupts over an intercom. It's ARTHUR, Peter's assistant. ARTHUR (O.S.) Delivery. Guy says you need to sign for something. PETER Send him in. (TO CHARLIE) I order things when I've had a few cocktails. It's a-- CHARLIE (ALARMED) Wait. You get deliveries this late? PETER I don't know. Maybe-- Charlie stands. CHARLIE No. You said he could come in. The delivery guy. That's-- AMY What? Charlie-- 78. VOICE (O.S.) An invitation, airhead. They turn and see EVIL ED, in one of Jerry's "uniforms." It's clear he's changed. A glint in the eye, more muscular. Charlie takes Ed in, pained. Ed grins at him. Ed flips open a cell phone. Dials. ED Looking at them now. Yes sir. (hangs up/then) He's modern, Jerry, dispensed with all that "master" stuff. (TO CHARLIE) Hey bud. Charlie steps in front of Amy. CHARLIE You've got a problem, keep it with me. ED Problem? You let him get me, man. CHARLIE (ANGUISHED) I KNOW-- Ed is CREEPING TOWARD Charlie. AMY CHARLIE-- ED You let him turn me into this. At that, ED VAMPS. Black eyes, black veins. Those teeth. It's terrifying. SMASH!! One of the cabinets shatters. Ed, Charlie and Amy spin to see PETER standing by the open collection case. A SMALL NAIL in his hand. He's shaking like a leaf. PETER Stay away, demon. ED (amused/queens accent) "Stay awaaaay, demon!" Ed closes in on Peter. Peter looks to Charlie. It's real. 79. ED (CONT'D) Whatcha got there? Itsy bitsy little stakey? PETER Crucifixion nail. Lethal to you. ED Old school. Nice. Got to get pretty close to use it, though. Peter looks at the short piece of metal in his hand. Fuck. HE BOLTS down the nearest hallway. ED (CONT'D) Uh uh. No you don't. ED BOLTS AFTER PETER. Charlie and Amy race the other way. CHARLIE The elevator! INT. PETER'S PENTHOUSE -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT Peter pushes a BUTTON on a doorway, bolts into a PANIC ROOM. Ed is on his heels, but JUST MISSES grabbing Peter before the door closes. The POWERFUL DOOR CLOSES ON ED'S ARM, crushes it. ED HOWLS as his arm SEVERS. The door LOCKS. But what doesn't kill him makes him stronger and crazier. ED A panic room!? You better panic, loser! You better watch your neck! INT. PETER'S PANIC ROOM -- NIGHT Peter's in shock -- watching Ed's severed arm twitch on the floor. ED (0.S.) Prince of darkness is a little baby man! I love it! All the fat chicks in your fan club are gonna be so bummed! He hears ED flipping out, but ED DOESN'T SHOW UP ON THE SECURITY SCREEN. 80. INT. PETER'S PENTHOUSE -- ENTRY AREA -- NIGHT Charlie runs with Amy to the ELEVATOR. The CONTROL BOX has been ripped from the wall. They're trapped. AMY Oh my God, oh my God... Amy's starting to lose it. Charlie grabs her. CHARLIE Look at me. Stop. (SHE DOES) There's another way out of here. And there are a million things to fight with in here. Understand? We're going to make it. Amy pulls herself together. Nods. They RUN. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM" LIBRARY -- VARIOUS -- NIGHT CHARLIE AND AMY race through the ROOMS of Peter's extensive collection. INNERCUT WITH ED Tracking them -- not far behind, his stub of an arm bleeding and HEALING as he goes. ED Give it up, Chuck! You're dead. (THEN) If you hadn't ended up such a dick, I might have tricked you out. We could have rocked this evil shit! But you blew it. Nothing but the big dirt nap for you and your lady. AMY AND CHARLIE Round a corner -- it's a dead-end. They see a large antique CONFESSIONAL at one end of the room. ON ED As he comes around the same corner a moment later. AMY and CHARLIE are NOWHERE to be seen. 81. INT. PETER'S HIGH RISE LOBBY -- NIGHT Jerry enters, his appearance different. Healing from the car incident has taken it out of him. He's pale and weakened -- and still has lots of cuts and bruises. He's also changed into new clothes, jeans and a SWEATER. We see THE SAME GUARD that Charlie spoke to earlier. GUARD Sign in, please. JERRY I know where I'm going. GUARD Sign in. No exceptions. Jerry ignores him, keeps moving toward the elevator. GUARD (CONT'D) Hey! I'm talking to you. Sign in, or you're not going nowhere. Jerry turns. Slow and deliberate. Expression cold. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/CONFESSIONAL ROOM -- NIGHT Ed is MOVING IN ON the CONFESSIONAL. Sees MOVEMENT behind the curtain. ED I expected more of a fight. Girl's made you lazy in the head. Pussy'll do that. ED YANKS the curtain on the confessional open. ARTHUR hides there, terrified. ED (CONT'D) Look at that. Vincent's got a Vincent. CLOSE ON A large cabinet on the other side of the room. AMY AND CHARLIE are squeezed behind it. They react to HORRIBLE SCREAMS as Ed rips ARTHUR apart. 82. CHARLIE holds AMY close, muffling her sobs. Blood seeps across the floor, under their feet... ON ED His face bloodied. Eyes wild. The trembling body of ARTHUR on the ground at his feet. Ed turns Arthur over. Arthur's still breathing, reaches for something around his neck. A cross? No, it's a chain with PICTURES of sweet-faced children on silver charms. HE PLEADS-- ARTHUR .I have ...kids ... ED Had. Ed lifts Arthur off his feet and chokes him with one hand... ED (CONT'D) Don't take it personal. I'd eat you -- but I'm saving my appetite. Arthur's turning a horrible purple, eyes bulging... Ed breaks his neck with a HORRIBLE WRENCHING CRUNCH. Drops him. ED (CONT'D) Dinner with an old friend. INT. PETER'S PENTHOUSE -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT A door to a STAIRWELL opens, Jerry steps into a hall. He looks healthy again. Robust. He wipes a small smear of blood from his mouth. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/CONFESSIONAL ROOM -- NIGHT AMY AND CHARLIE hold their breath as ED looks around the room. Arthur is motionless at his feet now. ED I know you're here. I can hear you breathing. It's totally cool. He laughs, hyper. Excited. CHARLIE EYES A CASE WITH A BATTLE AXE 83. ED (CONT'D) Sooo, I take out the prom king and queen? Embarrassment of riches! CHARLIE SHOVES the case he hides behind with Amy over ONTO ED. Yells to Amy-- CHARLIE GO! Amy bolts from the room as Charlie punches the glass out on another case that holds the battle axe. He grabs the weapon. Ed SHOVES the cabinet off him with his good hand, stands. Charlie and Ed face off. ED Mano e...one mano. Piece of cake. Cause I'm a God Damned killing machine, and you're like all the Clark High big shots -- nothing. (THEN) You picked the wrong side, man. Ed lashes out, slicing CHARLIE on the arm with his SHARP NAILS. Charlie yells, but holds his ground. CHARLIE I didn't pick-- ED You didn't think. Charlie's wrecked about what he has to do. CHARLIE I know. I'm sorry. Charlie takes a swing with the AXE. Ed starts BOUNDING around the room, avoiding Charlie's swings as he clings to walls and, impossibly, THE CEILING. ED Steeeerike! Call that a swing, Slugger? Charlie swings and swings, but Ed is too fast for him. Finally, Charlie connects with ED'S NECK. Blood flies, Charlie can't look -- anguished. ED (O.S.) (CONT'D) Come on! You're not even trying. 84. Charlie looks back, Ed's HEAD is only HALF OFF. He's grinning even as he bleeds everywhere. It's macabre, horrible. Ed SLASHES Charlie again with his claw-like nails. Charlie cries out. INT. PETER'S LIBRARY/"MUSEUM" -- NIGHT Amy can hear Charlie yell. AMY Charlie! She smashes into one GLASS CABINET after another, pulling out and pocketing everything she can find to fight ED. Finds a GUN loaded with silver bullets... JERRY You are something, aren't you? Amy spins. Jerry's closing in on her. Beautiful, seductive. She's shaking, terrorized. BAM, BAM, BAM!! She empties the GUN into JERRY anyway. It knocks him back, but he's still standing. He picks a silver bullet out of his shoulder, unimpressed. JERRY (CONT'D) Werewolves. Amy FLINGS holy water in his face. JERRY SCREAMS, burns. AMY Vampires. She RUNS. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/CONFESSIONAL ROOM -- NIGHT ED is already starting to heal as he and Charlie continue to fight. But his head still flops hideously to one side. ED Bone is a motherfucker, Chuckles. Hard to cut. Charlie takes another swing with his axe. Ed jumps out of the way. 85. Ed manages to get Charlie in a one-arm embrace of sorts, positions himself so he can BITE HIS NECK. ED (CONT'D) Is this weird for you too? I feel like such a homo-- Charlie FLIPS ED -- they are wrestling when Charlie sees AMY approaching with A SPIKED MACE. Charlie DUCKS and AMY smashes ED in the head. Hard. Charlie grabs a long, sharp piece of the shattered wooden cabinet. Ed is on the ground. Moaning, laughing. Charlie has his shot. But he hesitates. AMY Do it. Charlie! Charlie's frozen. Ed starts to get up, his head a mess. It's now or never. ED Wow. Bimbo has some juice-- AMY Jerry's here. He's coming! CHARLIE (to Ed/pained) I'm sorry. WHAP, Charlie stakes ED in the heart. Ed looks at Charlie with surprise... Ed's hideous features seem to dissolve. For a brief moment -- he looks like himself again. ED I wasn't even a badass vamp. I was his Renfield. Funny if you-- Ed starts to VIBRATE HORRIBLY, his WHOLE BODY moving so impossibly fast he's little more than a BLUR... Then he BURNS UP FROM THE INSIDE OUT. Charlie's paralyzed -- in a world of hurt. Amy grabs him. Pulls him out of the room. 86. AMY I found the stairs. Come on. INT. PETER'S PENTHOUSE -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT JERRY, VAMP-FACED and recovering from the holy water, sees AMY and CHARLIE running up ahead. He sprints after them. Charlie sees him and TOPPLES A GIANT FIGURINE in his path, as well as cabinets, etc... They slow Jerry down enough to get slightly ahead. AMY OVER HERE-- She flings the door to the stairwell open and they RACE DOWN THE STAIRS. INT. PETER'S PANIC ROOM -- NIGHT Peter sits huddled in a corner, ashamed and shaking. The SECURITY CAMERA flicks through different rooms, until it lands on his dead cousin, ARTHUR. It's like Peter's looking at his own mutilated corpse. OFF PETER, terrified. INT. CASINO -- NIGHT Amy and Charlie emerge from the stairway. They find themselves ON THE FLOOR of a HARD ROCK TYPE CASINO, which is on the bottom of the building where Peter lives. Amy slows as they fold into the crowds. Relieved. AMY Stop. Stop, I need to-- CHARLIE Not now. He's coming for us. AMY He can't kill us, not here-- CHARLIE Who's going to notice? Who's going to care? Amy, look around-- 87. Amy takes in the people on the floor. Drunk, oblivious. Two guys YELL and FIGHT at a craps table. A couple makes out in a dark corner, etc. It's loud, chaotic. AMY Oh, God... CHARLIE Keep moving. Come on. Now Charlie sees JERRY some distance behind them now, moving toward them in the crowd. They meet eyes. Charlie grabs Amy, scans for someplace to hide. He spots a nightclub -- "REFLECTIONS". The outside walls are all mirrored, like a brightly lit diamond. ON JERRY Behind them in the crowd, he sees them slip into the club. INT. REFLECTIONS - NIGHT The inside of the club is made up of MIRRORS AND WINDOWS. The dance floor is PACKED. All writhing bodies and sweaty abandon. It's dizzying, disorienting. Charlie sees JERRY enter, look around for them. The best bet to get lost is to dive into the crowd. Charlie leads Amy through the throngs of people -- the different levels of the club are like a maze. Glass staircases lead to mirrored balconies... A hopped-up DJ climbs up on a balcony, starts throwing t- shirts into the crowd. DJ Tequila Man t-shirts! Yeeeeeahhhh! The crowd goes nuts, SURGES forward... Someone bumps Amy and Charlie and they lose hands. AMY Charlie! Charlie turns, a DRUNK CHICK gets in his way -- tries to dance with him. He pushes past her. 88. CHARLIE Amy? Amy! Charlie can't see Amy, instead sees HIMSELF over and over again in a series of mirrors -- the infinity effect. It's dizzying, disorienting. THEN HE SEES JERRY, a shark, moving in and out of the crowd, disappearing behind mirrored columns, reemerging... Charlie also sees that JERRY DOESN'T REFLECT in the mirrors around them. Instead the crowd parts as if by magic. Jerry's heading straight toward-- AMY who's been pushed toward the DJ stand by the crowd. She's spinning, looking desperately for Charlie. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Amy! Charlie's frantically pushing toward her. But the CRUSH of people makes it nearly impossible to gain ground. CLOSE ON AMY As a HAND slips into hers. She turns, relieved, to find-- JERRY Holding her with a firm grip. AMY No. No! Amy STRUGGLES and CRIES OUT as JERRY PULLS HER away from CHARLIE, toward ramp that leads to another dance floor. Jerry laughs, throws her over his shoulder. AMY (CONT'D) Help!! A GUY in the crowd high-fives him. All part of another crazy night in Vegas. GUY Go get her, man! AMY sees her fast-moving reflection in the mirror -- she appears to be FLOATING above the people. 89. AMY Help me! Help!! CHARLIE can SEE HER, but can't get to her. The crowd is indifferent to her cries. Charlie grabs his cell -- hits a button. It dials, then-- CHARLIE (INTO PHONE) Peter! We're in the casino, the club! Jerry's got Amy! He's got HER-- INT. PETER'S PANIC ROOM -- NIGHT Peter's holding his cell. It's ringing. He hangs up. INT. REFLECTIONS -- SECOND STORY -- CONT. Jerry, hidden away from Charlie now, puts Amy down. She tries to run, but he holds her tight. AMY Charlie's coming, he'll find me-- JERRY I'm counting on it. Amy SPITS on him. Jerry reacts -- a flash of RAGE and he exposes his brutal rows of TEETH for just an instant. JERRY (CONT'D) Come on. He grips her harder, sways with her to the music. Leans close to her ear, seductive. His predatory skills in high gear. JERRY (CONT'D) You just need a taste. You'll see. It can be like a dream. Jerry draws a nail over his wrist, draws a line of blood. He puts his mouth over the cut, bloodying it. He forces her into a DEEP KISS. She struggles mightily -- but then her body relaxes, as if she's been sedated. 90. JERRY (CONT'D) That's it... Good girl. JERRY looks up sees CHARLIE coming toward them. But Amy's altered now. Staring into Jerry's eyes like a child. CHARLIE'S GETTING CLOSER when-- CHARLIE Amy! No!-- BAM! A hand falls on his shoulder. A DOORMAN DOORMAN How'd you get in here? CHARLIE You have to help me. That guy, he's going to kill her, he's a KILLER-- The doorman glances at JERRY and AMY. Jerry stokes Charlie's anguish -- running his hands over Amy's ass, kissing her neck. DOORMAN Yeah? Then she's liking it. Charlie's beside himself, enraged and terrorized. CHARLIE You don't understand!-- DOORMAN ID. Then you can tell me your whole sad story-- CHARLIE No! There's no time-- Amy!! Charlie's increasingly desperate, tries to RUN. But the doorman has a good grip, pulls him back. JERRY Sees that CHARLIE is restrained. Jerry locks eyes with Charlie and SMILES, his horrible fangs exposed. He's taking Charlie's woman -- and enjoying it. 91. CHARLIE (CONT'D) No! NO! CHARLIE'S POV As he's being dragged away -- JERRY BRUTALLY BITES AMY. It's a nightmare. Charlie loses it, screaming and flailing. But there is no helping her. FADE TO: INT. PETER'S HIGH RISE -- BEDROOM -- NIGHT Peter packs a bag, getting out of town. CHARLIE (O.S.) I see you got my message. Peter turns. Sees Charlie standing in the doorway. PETER How'd you get in here? CHARLIE Security's a little lax. Everybody got their throat ripped out. Peter backs away as Charlie moves in. Charlie is different. Colder, harder. Like he's aged a decade in one night. PETER You too? He change you? CHARLIE Look at your monitor. PETER turns to a security monitor in his closet. Charlie SHOWS UP ON THE SCREEN. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I don't know if Amy's alive or dead or turned -- but he's got her. My mom may not make it. And Ed... (COLD) I'm going to end him, or he's going to end me. (MORE) 92 CHARLIE (CONT'D) One way or the other, that's how it's going to be and you're going with me. PETER Don't you get what this is? There's no fighting. There's only surviving, if you're lucky-- CHARLIE You call this surviving? If you live and we all die, you think you'll ever be able to get us out of your head? PETER I know I won't. I never could -- not after the first time. This stops Charlie. PETER (CONT'D) I told myself I probably made it up. I was a kid. Maybe it was easier to believe in monsters... CHARLIE Made what up? PETER The vampire who killed my parents, my brothers. But not me. I hid. Charlie reacts. Surprised, but now it all makes sense. Peter continues, haunted-- PETER (CONT'D) I didn't collect all this stuff for fun. I thought maybe I could find the tribe, "avenge" my people. CHARLIE So do it. We'll go in at dawn. He's got to rest sometime-- PETER (HARD) It's not like that. When I was a kid, I hid because I wanted to live. I still do! This isn't the comics. You want to be a dead hero. Good for you. But I'm out. (THEN) (MORE) 93. PETER (CONT'D) You think I'm a coward. I'm just a realist. Moment of hesitation for Charlie. Has he been affected by Peter's words? Then-- CHARLIE So you bail on people, erase them. (THEN) I don't want to make it to tomorrow, not if you're the kind of man I have to be. A moment. Peter is full of self-loathing, but resolved. Charlie turns to leave. PETER Wait. Peter takes something from his luggage. A stake carved from WHITE WOOD. He hands it to Charlie. PETER (CONT'D) Blessed by Saint Michael. Kill a vampire with it -- it's supposed to turn his victims back. If Amy's changed, you can still save her. CHARLIE (RE: STAKE) If it's for real. PETER Who knows what's for real any more. Charlie takes the stake. Starts to go. Peter stops him-- PETER (CONT'D) There's no guarantee he'll be asleep during the day. He's housebound, not hibernating. CHARLIE I'll figure it out. PETER No, you need a plan. To stake him, you have to get close -- he's stronger than you. CHARLIE Holy water? 94 PETER Slow him down. Won't stop him. (THEN) Torch him, you'll have a few good minutes before he really goes up. Believe me, a vampire on fire isn't thinking clearly. CHARLIE But if he's on fire, how do I get close enough to stake him? A beat. PETER Fuck. CHARLIE (POINTED) You just worry about yourself. With that, Charlie leaves. Off PETER. Disgusted with himself. INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT/DAY Charlie sits by Jane's bedside. She's still comatose. We move closer and see that Charlie's drawing a MAP OF JERRY'S HOUSE on some scrap paper -- laying it out from memory as best he can. He GLANCES at the clock as it ticks toward DA As Charlie plots, he talks to Jane -- his silent confidante. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Those rooms upstairs, that's probably where he's got Amy. I get her out, assuming she's-- (NOT DEAD) Then I have to get him on the ropes. He thinks... Then looks up, an idea occurring. Jane lies there peacefully. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I have to go. More energized, Charlie stands and gathers his things. He stops, contemplates his mother for a moment -- regretful. 95. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I'm coming back for you, Mom. INT. ARMY/NAVY STORE -- DAY Charlie buys FIREPROOF CLOTHING, a small open-flame lighter, and a SPRAY CANISTER like the kind an exterminator uses. The guy at the counter looks Charlie up and down. Charlie takes this in. Finally, Charlie's like -- fuck it. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Going to kill a vampire. The guy looks at him. Then-- STORE GUY Good for you. The store guy waits. Charlie hands over his money. EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE - DAY ON JERRY'S HOUSE LOOMING, silhouetted against early morning light. Next to it, Charlie's house stands in charred ruins. CHARLIE stands on the front lawn, contemplating the houses. He wears fireproof clothes, has stakes and crosses strapped to him, holsters made out of duct-tape... Slung over his shoulder is the spray canister. And he holds a crowbar in a free hand. He looks like something out of one of Ed's graphic novels. Before he enters, Charlie DOUSES HIMSELF IN HOLY WATER. CHARLIE Let's do this shit. He swallows hard, scared but determined. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- FIRST FLOOR -- DAY CLOSE ON WET FOOTPRINTS Widen to find Charlie cautiously moving through the house. The blacked-out windows give the place a gray, stifled air. Behind Charlie, we see that the front door has been broken open with the crow bar. 96. Charlie anxiously looks around for Jerry -- fully expecting him to jump out and go for his throat... He takes the stairs up to the second floor, two at a time. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- DAY Charlie moves down the hall, stops at some of the small rooms. Looks in. NO AMY Finally, Charlie hears a GROAN. He opens a window in the door for yet another room. AMY'S lying on the floor, turned away from him. Charlie's not sure what he'll see when he gets a better look at her. CHARLIE AMY-- Amy slowwwwly gets up, turns... And aside from a BRUISED BITE MARK on her neck -- she looks normal. She rushes to Charlie, keeps her voice down. AMY CHARLIE-- She reaches through the window. They link hands, emotional. AMY (CONT'D) You shouldn't be here-- CHARLIE Where is he? AMY I don't know. He dumped me here. I'm bait. He said so-- CHARLIE How do you feel? AMY I'll survive. Please get out of here. He's too strong-- CHARLIE I'm stronger. (WAVERING) In a nerd power way. You know... 97. He reaches into his jacket, pulls out a CROSS. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Take this. It should-- He looks up. AMY IS GONE. Disappeared. Charlie, reacts. Calls out in a hushed panic-- CHARLIE (CONT'D) Amy? Amy!? Nothing. It's like she vaporized. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- HALLWAY -- DAY Charlie races down a hallway, looking for ANY. He tries door after door that won't open. He finally finds one door that's unlocked, rushes through -- almost FALLS through an open floor in an unfinished portion of the house. Jerry's building more cells. Charlie backs out of the doorway, turns a corner and BAM! He runs into JERRY. No, wait -- it's PETER. He's not wearing his wig, etc. But he's cleaned up and standing tall. Dressed all in black. CHARLIE Shit! You-- PETER CHARLIE Sorry-- How'd you-- A beat. Then: PETER Guess I don't want to be a man like me either. Peter opens his leather coat -- it's loaded with weapons. And a flask. Peter grins. PETER (CONT'D) Let's kill something. 98. CHARLIE (RE: FLASK) You reek. Midori? PETER Don't get greedy. I'm here. (THEN/PROUD) And I found something else. From my collection. Powerful shit. From around his back, he reveals A DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOTGUN with a CROSS MOUNTED ON THE BARREL. CHARLIE Wooden bullets? Nice. PETER No, you think I'm fucking MacGyver? Bullet, bullets. They'll buy us some time. Charlie is grateful, but now's not the time for man hugs. CHARLIE We have to find Amy. She was in a room upstairs, then she just disappeared. This house-- PETER What do you mean she "disappeared?" CHARLIE She was there. I looked away, looked back -- she was gone. Peter takes this in. PETER Show me where. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- AMY'S ROOM -- DAY Peter and Charlie pry open the door to the room where Amy was held. Peter walks over the floor -- finds a TRAP DOOR. PETER (CONT'D) Floor trap. I use it all the time. CHARLIE Where does it go? PETER Only one way to find out. 99. Peter lowers himself into the hole under the trap door-- CHARLIE Wait -- you're going in? PETER See that? Like a great date. Get me drunk and I'll try anything. Peter lets go and FALLS. Charlie steels himself, goes in after him. INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY THUD! Charlie and Peter land painfully on a dirt floor. PETER Ow, crap... They look around -- eyes adjusting. There's barely any light. They're in a LARGE UNFINISHED BASEMENT. The floor is dirt and the main story of the house is held up by numerous SUPPORT POSTS. At the far end of the basement there is a door that leads to another room/storage area. ON CHARLIE As he sees something. Stops. A MOUND of dirt. Like a grave. Charlie indicates to Peter to follow him. They whisper: CHARLIE You uncover him. I'll light him up, then stake him. Charlie pulls a FABRIC MASK, like a ski mask, over his face. Peter looks at him. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Flame retardant. They're standing over the grave now. Both nervous. Charlie nods to Peter. Peter does his best to hold the shotgun on the grave as he pushes the dirt aside with his free hand. He's shaking. 100. After a moment Peter UNCOVERS PART OF THE BODY. Then he moves up toward the face... Charlie douses the body with liquid from the canister. CHARLIE (CONT'D) (TO PETER) Gas. PETER You should be a magician. As the face emerges, Charlie readies a match, then reaches for his STAKE-- PETER (CONT'D) Stop! No-- CHARLIE stops JUST AS HE'S ABOUT TO TOSS the match. PETER (CONT'D) Who is that? IT'S ADAM, sleeping in a shallow dirt grave. Charlie reacts. Holy shit. He pushes his mask back. CHARLIE Adam. I know him. Knew him. PETER Shh. Don't wake him up, for CHRIST'S-- Peter stops. He's looking over Charlie's shoulder, horrified. In the dirt behind CHARLIE are MORE GRAVES. Eight or ten at least. Charlie turns. Sees the graves. PETER (CONT'D) You know them too? Charlie reacts, stunned. Peter moves to another grave, uncovers another sleeping face. And then another. A hulking man, a suburban mom... Charlie uncovers another body. Stops, chilled. CHARLIE Ms. Granada. My geometry teacher. (RUEFUL) She was hard up. 101. PETER How about we go back to my "run away" plan? CHARLIE (IGNORING HIM) We can't burn Jerry out. There's no way we'll get all these people out if the house goes up. PETER I thought you're here for Amy. (off Charlie's look) Great. Right. Save the Geometry-- A SCREAM stops him. Amy. Charlie and Peter spin -- it's coming from behind the door to the other room. A beat. They're both petrified as they move toward the door. Peter readies the gun again. Charlie pulls a CROSS out along with the stake. They creep toward the door. CLOSE ON CHARLIE Charlie puts his hand on the doorknob... Turns it... WHAMP! -- Charlie's VIOLENTLY SHOVED THROUGH THE DOOR into the STORAGE AREA INT. JERRY'S STORAGE AREA -- DAY Charlie hits the dirt hard. The door SLAMS SHUT AND LOCKS BEHIND HIM. He's in a smaller room with a LARGE DIRT GRAVE in the middle. Jerry's grave. INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY Peter's confronted by JERRY. Who smiles darkly. JERRY You look bigger on TV. Peter fires the shotgun, BLAM! But he misses Jerry and the power of the blast sends PETER HURTLING BACKWARD. 102. INT. STORAGE AREA -- DAY Charlie reacts to the blast -- but sees that ST. MICHAEL'S STAKE has fallen from his hand and rolled to the edge of the grave. He cautiously moves to retrieve it... He stops as he sees A FIGURE emerge from the dark. AMY. Her clothes are torn now, a thin trickle of blood runs down her neck. She looks impossibly sexy. Her hair, her eyes, her lips -- all shining and full. Forgetting himself, he goes to her. Pulls her into his arms. CHARLIE Amy, God... She clings to him, near tears. AMY Charlie. INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY Peter scrambles on the ground, SHOTGUN trained on JERRY -- who moves toward him calmly. The cross on the gun the only thing holding him back. BLAM! Peter fires again -- grazes JERRY. JERRY In pain, he TRANSFORMS and VAMPS before our eyes with a blood- curdling yell. It's chilling. CLOSE ON GRAVES One by one, the TRIBE of vampires wake. ADAM, MS. GRANADA... INT. STORAGE AREA -- DAY Amy pulls away from Charlie -- says: AMY You should have run with me while we had the chance. You should have saved me, Charlie. 103. Charlie takes this in, pained. Then-- CHARLIE It's not too late. She brings her lips close to his ear. Rasps... AMY It is. He's inside me now. Her EYES GO DARK -- fingernails grow SHARP and dig into Charlie. He feels the change. CHARLIE AMY-- Charlie shoves her off, hard. But she holds him tight -- and they TUMBLE INTO THE GRAVE. INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY JERRY, backed by ADAM, MS. GRANADA and a handful of other vampires, closes in on PETER. JERRY It's over, guy. Charlie -- his girl's having her way with him. (THEN) She's way out of his league anyway. Peter, trapped, won't be able to keep them at bay much longer. PETER Stop! Stop! Desperate, he BLASTS them again. Hits one on the shoulder. But it's not stopping them. JERRY And your aim-- PETER You don't get it! I'm on your side. Peter smiles a little. Shows his rows of SHARP FANGS. Jerry and the others stop. What? 104. INT. STORAGE AREA -- DAY Amy and Charlie struggle. He reaches for his cross -- but she throws him off her with a violent HISS. Charlie gets his first look at AMY in full VAMPIRE glory. She's even more freaky looking than Jerry or Ed. Her face is nearly overtaken by a wide mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth. Her eyes are crazed and blood-red. It's gruesome and terrifying. Charlie sees THE STAKE at the lip of the hole. Dives for it. Amy's on him in a flash. She throws him to the ground. He's got the STAKE in hand. Ready to strike. AMY You wouldn't. CHARLIE Try me. She STRADDLES HIM, sexual and raw. Charlie's repulsed, terrified. AMY I'll be the best you ever had. The only you had. (THEN) Charlie. We can be together forever. She leans in, licks his neck seductively... AND GASPS. She sits back, the STAKE IN HER CHEST. She falls away, shuddering. Charlie pulls the stake out -- scrambles out of the nest. He looks back at her, anguished. A beat. AMY, in terrible pain, LAUGHS. Nothing's happening. No kablooey. AMY (CONT'D) Missed. You missed. Charlie BREAKS THE DOOR OPEN with his crowbar. 105. CHARLIE I know. He backs away from her. Into-- INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY The basement where Jerry and the THE TRIBE are CIRCLED around a body as MS. GRANADA feeds. ON PETER, who's pale and shaking... Charlie attacks them with THE CROWBAR. CHARLIE Get off him! He hits MS. GRANADA off Peter. Manages to hold off JERRY for a beat. Spins and HITS ADAM in the head. ADAM Dude! CHARLIE Sorry. AMY enters from the other room -- already healing. Jerry sees her -- holds up a hand and backs the others off. JERRY I'll finish this. Jerry, all swagger, moves in on Charlie. Charlie sees Peter, barely alive, spit out his FAKE VAMP teeth. Peter meets his gaze, wry and weak. Done for. PETER Worth a shot. "Master of illusion." Now Charlie notices SHOTGUN not far from Peter's body. He dives for it, but Jerry steps on it -- kicks it away. JERRY (TO CHARLIE) You think that's going to stop me? Time to man up. Jerry brutally kicks Charlie, sends him sprawling. 106. JERRY (CONT'D) Now. I'm going to kill your girl -- make you watch. I'll take my time with you. And once you're dead, I'll finish your mother. (RE: AMY) Too bad about that one. She sucked me dry. Like a pro. Amy smiles a little. Jerry GRABS CHARLIE, lifts him off his FEET-- Charlie, enraged, SPRAYS JERRY WITH GAS FROM the CANISTER -- right in the eyes. Jerry recoils, HISSING. Adam and the OTHER VAMPS MOVE IN. Jerry's over it. He's on CHARLIE in a flash, FANGS BARED. About to RIP HIS NECK OUT. BLAM! PETER has the gun again -- has managed to pull himself up into a sitting position. He BLOWS away ONE OF THE SUPPORT BEAMS. BLAM! And ANOTHER. BLAM! And ANOTHER. BLAM -- he misses. PETER Fuck. BLAM! AND ANOTHER. Charlie DIVES for SAFETY as the CEILING COLLAPSES in part of the basement. SUNLIGHT STREAMS in -- forcing JERRY, AMY and the other vamps into a corner. PETER (CONT'D) (TO JERRY) Fuck yeah! Nice sweater, loser! BLAM! Another BEAM collapses. BURYING JERRY, AMY and the others under DEBRIS from the floor above. A stunned beat. Peter slumps, exhausted from the effort. 107. Charlie looks at him -- amazed. PETER (CONT'D) (WEAK) I'm better with stationary targets. CHARLIE Yeah you are. Peter looks at him, sad. PETER Get out of here. We don't have much time before they dig out. CHARLIE (RE: STAKE) I can save you. I have to kill him with this. PETER You're a brave mother, I get it. And you were right. This is how I had to go... But we didn't count on an army. CHARLIE He'll kill you both, he said-- PETER We're already dead. (THEN) Go now, you live to fight another day. Stay -- there won't be one. Charlie stops. Swayed. Pained. PETER (CONT'D) Do it. CLOSE ON CHARLIE Accepting it. It's what he has to do. He starts DIGGING. PETER (CONT'D) Charlie! But Charlie ignores him, determined. Pulls his MASK DOWN over his face again. PETER (CONT'D) Stop! 108. WHAM! JERRY BURSTS OUT OF THE RUBBLE, attacks Charlie. Charlie falls back, PULLING JERRY with him into THE LIGHT Jerry BURSTS INTO FLAME -- but holds Charlie tight AMY and the other vamps start to claw their way OUT of the rubble. Charlie and Jerry fight -- nearly ENGULFED IN FLAMES now PETER (CONT'D) Charlie! Peter gets up, painfully, moves to help. Raging and desperate -- Charlie and Jerry continue to battle. Finally, Jerry pulls Charlie down with him --rolls on the ground as they fight. Trying to put out the flames. Jerry starts to DISINTEGRATE -- he's about to EXPLODE into bits. Charlie's stake is now ON FIRE. CHARLIE NO! A last desperate attempt. He can see Jerry's HEART, about to burn away. HE STAKES JERRY. AMY suddenly SCREAMS - she's burning inside, DYING. Or so it seems. The vampire is being burned out of her. PETER cries out too, reacting less violently. But in pain. JERRY Still burning, looks down as the STAKE OF SAINT MICHAEL in his CHEST. Right through the heart. He starts to SHAKE VIOLENTLY -- faster and faster, just like Ed did -- becoming little more than a macabre BLUR. For a moment -- Jerry's human form hangs in the air... JERRY Blow me. THEN HE BLOWS INTO A MILLION PIECES. ON CHARLIE AND PETER 109. Thinking fast, PETER tackles CHARLIE -- who is still in flames. They tumble into one of the open graves. DIRT pours in around them, extinguishing the fire. ON AMY Transformed and healed. Herself again. She rushes to the edge of the open grave. ABOVE THE OPEN GRAVE Peter pulls Charlie's mask back. Charlie is burned, unconscious. AMY Charlie! She crawls into the grave. Cradles Charlie in her arms. AMY (CONT'D) Charlie... Amy starts to cry. Peter looks on, concerned. Finally, Charlie opens his eyes. Says weakly... CHARLIE Blow me? Seriously? Peter falls back -- exhausted. Laughing. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Those are his last words? What a tool. We pull away, leaving this tableau... UNTIL ADAM, MS. GRANADA and the OTHER MEMBERS of the tribe emerge from the rubble. Disoriented, freaked. A beat. MS. GRANADA Let's agree to never talk about this. FADE TO: INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Charlie, Amy, Jane and Peter are in Peter's penthouse. It's a glittering night, a spectacular view. 110. Jane, released from the hospital, looks healthy and glowing. She smiles at Peter, who also looks more together. She has a glass of wine -- he's drinking a COKE. JANE Think you'll ever feel the same about a nighttime sky? PETER Same as what? I was always terrified. JANE Right. We're just catching up. ON AMY AND CHARLIE Charlie sees the connection between Peter and Jane. Shudders. CHARLIE I'm not seeing that. AMY She deserves some fun. Your mom fully cheated death. CHARLIE (SUGGESTIVE) You too. You deserve fun. AMY Oh, I plan on it. Now that you've killed your first vampire... CHARLIE I am so going to perform. Charlie KISSES her. It's intense, passionate. It's different, they're different. The childish part of them long gone. He runs his hands through her hair, pulls her close. SOMETHING BEEPS, talks... VOICE "Frak!" "Frak!" AMY (PULLS BACK) What is that? Charlie, a little sheepish, shows her. He's wearing a BATTLESTAR GALACTICA wrist watch. CHARLIE Battlestar. AMY Right. CHARLIE It was Ed's. Amy smiles a little, softens. AMY Right. (THEN) Frak? PETER is passing. Hears this. Is down with it. PETER Frak! Right on. (TO AMY) Perfect Woman, can I get you a drink? AMY I'll take another. Thanks. CHARLIE (TO PETER) I'll give you a hand. Charlie follows PETER into the DINING ROOM, where a BAR CART is set up. Peter moves to it. Pours himself a Midori. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I thought you were on the wagon. PETER It's dark. (off his look) I'm on the "day" wagon. CHARLIE Thanks for inviting us. PETER We should celebrate. Being alive. Your mom's clean bill of health. CHARLIE You wanted to put the moves on her. 112 PETER What? No. What? CHARLIE Just -- I'm watching you. I've got to look out for her. PETER Yeah you do. So here's what I'm thinking. We faced the beast and we won. Can you imagine the possibilities if we had got that shit on film? CHARLIE VAMPIRES DON'T-- PETER Show up on film, yeah. But werewolves do, bigfoots do. We get proof, catch something -- we could build a stage act around that, you wouldn't believe. We'd blow those Cirque bitches away! CHARLIE An act? Seriously? What about saving people from evil? What ABOUT-- A CHILLING LAUGH interrupts them. Distant. Eerie. And somehow familiar. Peter nods to his COLLECTION CABINETS. PETER It happens. All this stuff... CHARLIE Ever think about collecting something else? Snow globes or-- Charlie stops, catches sight of something MOVING IN THE REFLECTION ON THE FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOW. Just a wisp, a phantom. The face - is it ED? His features twisted in a grimace of fear and pain... It's CHILLING. Charlie's spooked. But he looks again and the face is gone. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Yeah, definitely get new stuff. 113. Peter leads CHARLIE OUT, back to the ladies in the other room. Still on about his idea... WE HOLD ON THEIR REFLECTION IN THE WINDOW PETER (O.S.) I'm serious, man. Do you know how much we could make? Think about how much people pay to see a tiger, or boobs, right? What if we had a tiger, boobs -- and a zombie! After they've gone we linger on the window. Is that Ed's eerie reflection again?, barely visible... AS WE GO TO BLACK ED (0.S.) You're so coooool Brewster!! THE END
FRIGHT NIGHT Written by Tom Holland FINAL DRAFT Sep 6th, 1984 1. FADE IN: EXT. FULL MOON - NIGHT (AND CREDITS. ROLL) Clouds obscure the starless heavens for a moment, heavy and ominous in the black firmament. Then suddenly they clear, exposing a full moon streaked with red like a killer's face, a stalking moon staring down at man's evil on the earth below. A HOWL breaks the night, a wolf pursuing its prey perhaps, or perhaps something much, much worse. VOICES break the perfect stillness. JONATHAN (V.0.) What was that? MISS NINA (V.0.) Just a child of night, Jonathan. Come, sit here beside me on the veranda. JONATHAN (V.0.) It's chilly out here. MISS NINA (V.0.) Oh, no, it isn't. It's beautiful. I love the night so. 2 EXT. RANCHO CORVALLIS - NIGHT A middling size town lost somewhere in the Southwest, the lights of its sixty some thousand residents twinkling like so many Christmas lights in the night. JONATHAN (V.0.) I've never seen you so beautiful before, Nina. So pale, so luminescent, so He suddenly stops. There is a moment. Then: MISS NINA (V.0. ) Yes? JONATHAN (V.0.) Your lips are so red. MISS NINA (V.O.) Are they? Would you like to kiss them? The CAMERA STARTS TO PUSH IN CLOSER AND CLOSER on the town as though searching for the source of the voices. 2. 3 EXT. CHARLEY'S STREET - NIGHT It's a typical middle class suburban street, full of pre- 1 World War II houses, the substantial places they built then, two and three story homes with attics and basements., porches and detached garages. There is the SOUND OF A LONG DRAWN OUT KISS as Jonathan and Miss Nina's lips meet. The CAMERA. MOVES DOWN the street, still looking for the voices. 4 EXT. DANDRIGE AND BREWSTER HOUSE - NIGHT V The CAMERA PAUSES TO STARE AT the Dandrige house, so dif- ferent in look and feel from all the other houses on the street. It's huge, almost forboding, its windows dark and vacant, its lawn overgrown and weed-infested, a home that has obviously been untended for a long time, unlived in and uncared for. However the "For Sale" on the lawn has a "Sold" sign just beneath it. The CAMERA PANS to the Brewster house next door, still SEARCHING for those voices. It's in sharp contrast to the Dandrige house, newly painted, its lawn neatly shorn, a house almost dwarfed in comparison to the Dandrige house, but a happy home, its windows lit and smiling out warmly at the night. The voices seem to be coming from the Brewster house, spe- cifically from a dark second-story window that is open to the night breeze. JONATHAN (V.0.) Why are you looking at me so strangely, Nina? MISS NINA (V.0.) Not you, Jonathan. Your neck. Has anyone ever told you it was beautiful? JONATHAN (V.O. ) (UNCERTAINLY) No. MISS NINA (V.0.) Come, lay your head on my breast. The CAMERA SLOWLY STARTS TO PUSH IN on the second-.story window. 5 OMITTED 6 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The CAMERA MOVES THROUGH the window, past the billowing drapes to find itself staring at a TV, the flickering screen the only light in the room. (CONTINUED) 3. 6 CONTINUED: One of those terrible AIP/Hammer horror films is on the tube, a woman, obviously a vampire, talking to one of those vapid juveniles used so much in these types of films, the two of them standing on a veranda to some huge, old house. The young man rests his head against her breast, incredibly enough, unaware that she is bending toward his neck with these huge fangs. Just as. she is about to sink them into his jugular, a tall, saturnine man steps out of the darkness., wearing a rather daffy Victorian suit and carrying a stake and mallet in his hand. His name is PETER VINCENT. PETER (V.0.) Stop, you creature of the Night! The vampiress leaps to her feet, her hapless, intended victim forgotten. She faces Peter with a, hiss, her fangs sparkling in the moonlight. MISS NINA (V.O.) Who are you who interrupts my nightly feeding? PETER (V.O.) (drawing himself up to his full height) Peter Vincent, vampire killer! He rushes her, the stake held high to plunge into her breast and the CAMERA TURNS AWAY from the TV as the sounds of the movie CROSS FADE with the SOUNDS OF HEAVY BREATHING, LIPS MEETING, TONGUES INTERTWINING in the room itself. Only the room, a typical teenager's lair, seems devoid of life, the bed empty, schoolbooks untouched sitting on the desk. The CAMERA BEGINS TO SEARCH the room, looking for the source of this new sound, much more interesting than the old flick on the tube. And then it finds them, CHARLEY BREWSTER and AMY PETERSEN, two sixteen-year olds, on the floor to the far side of the bed, wedged between the bed and the window. They are both as American as their jeans and making out like crazy. They twis.t and turn on the floor, Amy alternating between enjoy- ing it and fighting Charley off, both of them white hot with their mutual need. As he tries to slip his hand under her blouse, she catches-a glimpse of the TV. The horror movie has faded out to be replaced by the interior of a local TV studio, a tacky graveyard set the centerpiece, the visage of Peter Vincent, much older now, rising out of a papier mache coffin and filling the screen as CREDITS END. (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/16/84 4. 6 CONTINUED: (2) PETER (V.0.) This is Peter Vincent, bringing you' Fright Night Theatre. Tonight's journey into horror is "Blood Castle," one of my favorites. And for a very good season. I star -in it. He does this booming laugh that goes through about ten echo chambers as Charley, totally oblivious to the TV, works on Amy's bra, trying to get it undone, obviously something she doesn't want. She tries to distract him. AMY Charley, Peter Vincent's on. CHARLEY (fumbling with the bra) Forget Peter Vincent. AMY But you love him. CHARLEY I love you more -- Behind them, the station break segues into a commercial, a bunch of kids singing and dancing joyfully to a Coca-Cola commercial. On the floor, Charley finally gets Amy's bra undone. That's it for her; she twists away. AMY Charley, stop it. Be doesn't listen, going for her again, their finger fight- ing behind her back, hers trying to get the bra resnapped, his trying to keep it undone and get her blouse off at the same time. She suddenly pushes him away, really hard this time. AMY Charley, I said stop it. Charley rolls over, leaping to his feet, frustrated as hell. CHARLEY Jesus, give me a break, Amy. We've been going together almost a year and all I hear is "Charley, stop it!"' They stare at each other angrily, both of them breathing hard, their young hormones roiling inside them. Then they look away, not wanting to see the other's anger, staring at the TV for lack of any better place to look. (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: (3) The horror movie is on again, Peter Vincent and Jonathan now carrying a coffin across a fog swept cemetery. Charley looks back at Amy, his features softening. CHARLEY I'm sorry, Amy. She rises, both of them standing by the open window, staring at each other. AMY Me, too. (she puts a hand out, touching his arm) I'm just scared, that's all. He nods understandingly, touched by her honesty and inno- cence, his basic decency winning out over his lust. Sud- denly she steps into his arms, kissing him as she never has before. She breaks, staring up into his face nervously. AMY (SOFTLY) Let's get into bed.:. CHARLEY (staring at her, stunned) You mean it? She nods, stepping into his arms again, kissing him like he's never been kissed before, the two of them slowly turn- ing, Charley seeing the TV first with its grave digger scene, then the wall, and finally out the window over Amy's shoulder. And he freezes. There, below in the side yard, he sees two shadowy figures carrying what looks very much like a coffin toward the storm doors to the Dandrige house next door. His mouth drops open as Amyâ¢slips out of his arms and onto the bed, completely unaware of what he's seeing. She starts to take off her blouse, Charley no longer looking at her, his gaze glued to the weird scene he's seeing out his window. As her blouse comes off, she lays back in the bed, looking up at him, waiting for him to join her. AMY Charley, I'm ready. He ignores her, grabbing his binoculars from his desk, whipping.them to his eyes and focusing in-on-the figures below. (CONTINUED) J 6. 6 CONTINUED: (4) They're too dark to make out clearly, but they are JERRY DANDRIGE and BILLY COLE. An errant beam of moonlight hits the large, oblong box, and Charley gasps. It's a beautiful piece of work, huge, ornate, obviously incredibly old, and bound in brass. Amy stares at Charley with rising confusion and irritation. AMY Charley, I said I'm ready. CHARLEY (still glued to his BINOCULARS) Amy, you're not going to believe this, but there are two guys in the yard below. And I think they're carrying a coffin. AMY (glancing at the TV and seeing the very same scene) Sure, and they're on the moors, right. CHARLEY Amy, I'm serious. AMY So am I. Do you want to make love or not? Charley is still peering through the binoculars, the two figures below having gotten the storm doors open and now carrying the coffin into the basement of the house next door. CHARLEY Amy, quick, come-here, you've got to see this. All he hears is his bedroom door slamming shut. He whirls to find Amy gone. Tossing the binoculars on the bed,, he dives after her. CHARLEY AMY -- 7 INT. PORTICO - STAIRWAY - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Charley hurries down the stairs after her. CHARLEY Okay, maybe it wasn't a coffin, but I did see two guys carrying something into that house -- (CONTINUED) I ch Rev'. 12/4/84 7. 7 CONTINUED: AMY (HARDLY LISTENING) I don't understand you. First you want to make love, then you don't -- They reach the bottom of the stairs only to have a voice from the living room stop them. JUDY (O.S.) Amy, Charley, what's wrong? They stop, turning to stare through the doorway at Charley's mom, JUDY BREWSTER, sitting in the living room, watching the ten o'clock news on the downstairs TV. She's a young forty, pleasant looking and warm. T I Amy steps into the living room, Charley following, the two of them trying to pull themselves together so Charley's mother won't notice what they've been doing upstairs. 8 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT JUDY Have you two been having a lovers' spat? CHARLEY (embarrassed as hell) No, Mom, nothing like that. JUDY Well, there's nothing wrong with that. (pointing at the maga- zine in her lap) Right here it says the divorce rate is 76% higher among couples who don't argue before marriage. CHARLEY Mom, we're in high school. JUDY Oh, yes, that's right. Well it never hurts to-plan ahead. (TO AMY) Tell your mother I said hello, will you, Amy. And remind her we're playing bridge at her house this week. I'm bringing the cheesepuffs, she's making the dessert. (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 7A. 8 CONTINUED: AMY Yes, Mrs. Brewster. (TO CHARLEY) Good night, Charley. CHARLEY- (ABSENTLY) Yeah, goodnight. But he's no longer listening; he's moving toward the window that stares out at the house next door. There are lights on in the first floor.now. Behind him Amy turns back to his mother. AMY Well, good night, Mrs. Brewster. JUDY Good night, Amy. And thanks for helping Charley. AMY Anytime. See you tomorrow, Charley. Be hardly hears her, staring out the window. Miffed again, Amy turns and stomps out of the room, the front DOOR heard SLAMMING behind her a moment later. (CONTINUED) I 8. 8 CONTINUED: Judy turns to her son to see what's wrong with him. He's glued to the window, staring at the house next door. JUDY Charley, that wasn't very nice, not walking Amy to the front door. CHARLEY (hardly hearing her) Mom, there are people. next door. JUDY Oh, the new owner must.be moving in. CHARLEY What new owner? JUDY I Didn't I tell you? Bob Hopkins told me he finally sold the place. I CHARLEY To who? JUDY I.d.on't know. Some fellow who fikes up houses, he said. Supposed to be attractive, too. Anyway I just hope whoever he is, he knows what he's getting into with that house. It's going to take a lot of work just to make it liveable -- And the CAMERA leaves them behind, SLOWLY PUSHING IN TIGHTER AND TIGHTER on the TV Judy was watching, their VOICES FADING out to be taken over by the newscaster dron- ing away on the screen. NEWSCASTER (V.0.) And now for the local news. A man was found murdered tonight behind the railroad yards. Details are pending waiting notification of next of KIN -- FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN. ON : 9 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALL - DAY Kids are flooding out-of the classrooms, the BELL having just RUNG. Charley comes out of one of them, holding a test paper and looking none too happy about it. (CONTINUED) 9. 9 CONTINUED: CHARLEY The bastard. Why didn't he tell us he was going to spring a pop quiz? Another kid comes out right behind him, holding a test paper with- a big A+ on it. Eis :name is EVIL ED THOMPSON and he's tall and thin with a terrible complexion and a personality to match. EVIL ED That's the point to a pop quiz, Brewster. To surprise you. Charley glances up at that moment to see Amy walking by, her head held high, and looking in every direction but his. CHARLEY Hey, Amy -- She keeps right on going, disappearing into the crowd. Evil Ed throws a look at Charley and cackles. EVIL ED What's wrong? She finally found out what you're really like? CHARLEY Buzz off, Evil. EVIL ED Call me anything you want. Only you're the one failing Algebra, not me. With another high pitched laugh, he walks off, leaving Charley staring after Amy miserably. DISSOLVE TO: 10 EXT. BREWSTER AND DANDRIGE SOUSE - DAY Charley pulls his red beater '68 Mustang into the driveway. He gets out carrying his schoolbooks and heads for the front door. Just as he bends down to pick up the evening paper on the walk, a cab pulls up and a YOUNG WOMAN gets out. Charley stops cold; she is definitely one of the most spec- tacular girls he's ever seen, obviously sexy, cheap around the edges, but no less spectacular for it. She looks at him like a little girl lost. GIRL Is this ninety-nine Oak? (CONTINUED) 10. 10 CONTINUED: CHARLEY (pointing to the DANDRIG'E HOUSE) No, next door. She nods her head in thanks and walks toward the next door house, the one. where he saw the two men carrying what looked to be a coffin into the basement. It's a three story house like Charley's but there any similarity ends. The Brewster house is newly painted and well lived in; the Dandrige house has long-been abandoned, the lawn overgrown, paint flecking from its side, the entire--place rundown and forlorn. Charley watches the girl disappear into the Dandrige house, whistling appreciatively under his breath. He turns for his own front door. 11 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Charley enters the kitchen to find his mother preparing dinner. He hands her the evening paper. JUDY .Thanks. Charley stops by the kitchen sink, staring out at the Dandrige house. as his mother goes back to fixing dinner. CHARLEY Mom, you seen the new guy next door yet? JUDY No, but I did hear he's got a live-in carpenter. With my luck, he's probably gay. CHARLEY (SMILING SECRETLY) No, i don't think so. JUDY Why, what do you know that I- don't? CHARLEY Ah, nothing. Got to study. See you later. He cuts a beeline for the door, his mother staring after him disbelievingly as he disappears out the door. JUDY Study? You? DISSOLVE TO: 11. 12 INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's hard at work at his desk, really into his Algebra, when over his shoulder a light comes on behind the drawn shade of the bedroom window of the house next door. It is directly on a sightline with his own room, but he doesn't see it, staring intently at his books. Suddenly a WOMAN'S SCREAM, high-=pitched and terrified, shatters the night. Charley whirls, sending his books crashing to the floor, staring out his window at the lit window in-the house next.door. The light snaps out, dark- ness blanking the entire wall of the Dandrige house. ' Charley just stares at it, trying to repress a shiver, all thoughts of studying Algebra suddenly gone. DISSOLVE TO: 13 INT. MALL - FAST FOOD JOINT - DAY It's the after school hangout, a bunch of tables before a fast food joint on the fourth floor of a shopping mall. Kids mill about, nearby video game machines going full blast, a TV playing the "Young and the Restless" on the counter. Charley sits at one of the tables, almost falling asleep face down in his cheeseburger and fries as he tries to study. Suddenly Amy slips in beside.him. AMY Hi. CHARLEY (looking up at her, STARTLED) Hi. (RECOVERING) Look, I'm really sorry about the other NIGHT -- AMY It was my fault, not yours. CHARLEY (REALLY STARTLED) It was? (she nods;.he recovers, taking her hand) Look, Amy, I. love you. I never.. want to fight with you again, okay? AMY (breaking into a big smile) God, I'm so glad we're getting this straightened out. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 12. 13 CONTINUED: AMY (CONT' D) I've been miserable the last two days. You don't know what it's been LIKE -- Over her shoulder he suddenly sees that the TV has gone to the local news, a picture of a girl who looks very much like the one he saw going into the Dandrige house the afternoon before on the screen. He is suddenly no longer listening or looking at Amy, his complete attention on the TV. She trails-off as she realizes she's lost his atten- tion, staring at him. AMY Charley, are-you listening to me? He gets up abruptly and walks away, leaving her sitting there staring after him. He stops'below the TV, staring up at it as the newscaster's voice runs over the picture of the girl. NEWSCASTER (V.0.) (CAUGHT MID-SENTENCE) Cheryl Lane, a known prostitute, was found murdered this morning -- Evil Ed steps up beside him, staring up at the 'screen along with him. EVIL ED Know what I heard on the police band .last night? CHARLEY What? EVIL ED (nodding at the TV) That wasn't the only murder. It's the second in two days. (GLEEFULLY) And get this. Both of 'em had their heads cut off. Can you believe it? CHARLEY' (staring at him) You're sick. A voice suddenly comes from behind him. AMY (O.S.) Charley. (CONTINUED) 14. 16 EXT. BREWSTER AND DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT tD The two houses sit there side by side,.only the Dandrige house has changed although it's hard to say exactly how. It just seems worse than before, more abandoned, more-hulk- ing, more... dead. 17 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Charley has the house next door staked out. He sits in a chair before his window, all the lights off in his room, only the flickering TV to keep him company. It's Peter Vincent on Fright Night, another one of his films on, this time the volume turned off. Charley holds his binoculars in his hand, staring at the dark window of the house next door, waiting. DISSOLVE TO: 18 ZNT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - MUCH LATER THAT NIGHT The TV is just flickering snow now, the channel having signed off hours before. Charley still sits in front of his window, but he's sound asleep, breathing deeply, lost in his dreams. Soft, sensual MUSIC snakes through his open window, enveloping him slowly and dragging him awake. Groggily he opens his eyes to find himself staring into the lit window of the bedroom next door. He sits up with a start. There is no drawn shade now. Be can see clearly into the room and a beautiful teenage girl with long blonde hair stands there, framed in the window, slowly taking her blouse off. Charley rubs his eyes., hardly able to believe what he's seeing. As he watches she drops the blouse to the floor and stands there, bare breasted. Charley gulps, fumbling for his binoculars. He gets them to his eyes just as Jerry Dandrige steps out of the shadows behind the girl, gliding across the room toward her with incredible grace. To Charley the whole thing has.a dreamlike quality, Jerry more an impression than a reality. He's thirty maybe, almost beautiful with alabaster skin and chestnut hair. He stops behind the girl, sweeping her hair back, exposing her tender, young neck. He slowly leans down as though to kiss her. As Charley watches through his binoculars, unable to tear his eyes away, Jerry Dandrige's upper lip slowly begins to pull back,. revealing just the hint of fangs, long, razor sharp, and sparkling pearly white in the moonlight. Suddenly, Jerry Dandrige stops, the fangs poised an inch above the girl's throat. He slowly raises his head, star- ing out the window across the side yard and into Charley's bedroom. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 15. 18 CONTINUED: It's almost as though he can see the boy watching him. - With an involuntary gasp of terror, Charley steps back into the deeper darkness of his room, his hand instinctively reaching up to-protect his own throat. Jerry Dandrigeâ¢slowly reaches up and pulls down the shade, cutting off all view into the room. Charley stands there for a moment, unable to believe what he just saw. The binoculars slip from his hand, crashing to the floor, and. he whirls, racing out of the room. 19 INT. HIS MOTHER'S ROOM - NIGHT He bursts through the door to find his mother sound asleep in bed. He grabs her, shaking her awake. CHARLEY Morn, you've yot to get up. I can't believe what s happening next door. JUDY (staring up as her son SLEEPILY) What, what are you talking about? CHARLEY He has fangs. The man who bought the house has fanas! JUDY Oh, Charley, I have to be at work at SEVEN TOMORROW He hears a CAR DOOR SLAM in the yard next door. He jumps to the window, peering out into the back of the Dandrige house just in time to see Billy Cole walking away from a shiny new black Cherokee Jeep, its back door left open. Charley whirls and dashes out of the room, leaving his mother staring after him. JT1DT CHARLEY -- 20 EXT. SECOND FLOOR HALL - NIGHT He races down the corridor for the stairway landing. 21 INT. STAIRWAY - PORTICO-- NIGHT He pounds down the stairs, taking'them two at a time, whips around the newel post and flies down the hall toward the kitchen. 22 EXT. BACK YARD - DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT Charley slips out his back door and through. the darkness into the adjoining yard. (CONTINUED) 16. 22 CONTINUED: .There, among a clump of bushes, he crouches down, watching the black Jeep. The rear door is open as though to receive some burden, the yard empty, Billy Cole no longer'there. Suddenly the back door to the Dandrige house opens again and Billy comes out carrying a large bundle in a plastic trash bag over his shoulder. 'Charley's mouth falls open as he realizes the bundle could'easily be a woman's dead body. Billy dumps it in the back of the Jeep and slams the door, crossing. in front of the vehicle for the driver's door. Suddenly there is a terrific WHOOSH'through the air over Charley's head, the moonlight momentarily blotted out, the BEATING OF LARGE WINGS above causing the bushes around him to bend and sway. It's almost as though a huge bird, a bat perhaps, just swooped over his head from the top floor of- the Dandrige house. And then silence returns. Charley lifts his head, peering about in the darkness just in time to see a shape, more a shadow than a man, step out of the darkness no more than ten feet away. It's Jerry Dandrige. He glides toward the Jeep, tossing Billy a woman's purse. JERRY Here, you forgot this. Billy one-hands it out of the air, turning back for the Jeep. Just then the back door to Charley's house bangs open, sending a shaft of light into the darkness. Judy Brewster stands there in the doorway, calling to her son. JUDY Charley! Dandrig.e and Billy Cole freeze, both of them turning to look at the back door to the Brewster house, inadvertently staring right at the clump of bushes where Charley.is hid .ing. Dandrige takes a step forward, his eyes probing the dark- ness as though he can actually see through the murky black- ness right to where Charley hides. Terrified, Charley suddenly leaps to his feet and races back into his own yard, disappearing through the back door with his mother. Billy steps forward as though to follow the boy. Jerry puts out a restraining hand, stopping him. DISSOLVE TO: 23 INT. CHARLEY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT Charley sits at the kitchen table, his mother putting a cup of hot cocoa into his hand. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 17. 23 CONTINUED: JUDY Here, drink this.. CHARLEY-, (ALREADY FRUSTRATED AS HELL) Mom, I don't need hot cocoa. I didn't have a nightmare. They did kill a girl over there. JUDY (feeling his forehead for a fever) Charley, how late did you stay up studying? CHARLEY (shoving her hand away) iMom, I'm not sick. The guy did have `fangs and a bat did fly over my head .and then Jerry Dandrige stepped out of the shadows. You know what that means, don't you? JUDY (staring at him worriedly) What?. CHARLEY He's a vam_re! JUDY (.staring at him INCREDULOUSLY) A what? MATCH CUT TO: 24 INT. AMY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Amy's staring at him much as his mother did, with a look of shock and total disbelief on her face. AMY A what? CHARLEY (frustrated as hell AGAIN) A vampire, damnit! Haven't you listened to anything I've said? (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/23/84 18. 24 CONTINUED: AMY Charley, is this some kind of trick to get me 'back? CHARLEY (turning toward the door in disgust) i Forget it, L'm going to the police. AMY (blocking his path) Charley, you can't go to the police with a story like that. They'll lock you up. CHARLEY All right, then I won't tell them it's a vampire. But I sure as hell am going to tell them about the two women -- AMY CHARLEY -- Be slams out the back door, leaving her staring after him, ) T worried sick. DISSOLVE TO: 24A EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - DAY A police car pulls up, Charley in a red Mustang behind him. He gets out, walking to meet LIEUTENANT DETECTIVE LENNOX, a tall man in his early.forties. He hitches his pants, staring at the teenager hard. LENNOX You sure about this now? Charley nods emphatically and the cop turns toward the house, Charley following. 25 OMITTED 26 27 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - DAY The KNOCK reverberates through the silent house. Nothing for several seconds; then the sound of someone walking down the hall from the kitchen. Billy Cole appears, stopping before the door, staring through the curtain at the dim outline of Charley and the Detective standing on the porch. He opens the door, staring at the boy and the cop. BILLY Yes. (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/26/84 27 CONTINUED: LT. LENNOX Mr. Dandrige? BILLY ' No, I'm his roommate,â¢Billy Cole. LT. LENNOX (flashing his badge) Lieutenant Lennox, homicide. Mind if we come in? BILLY No, not at all. He steps back from the door, allowing them to enter. The house is a mess of cardboard moving boxes and heavy Victorian furniture scattered everywhere, a number of the pieces still under white dust covers. Clocks line one wall, none of them working, all set at 6 p.m. BILLY Is there anything I can help you with? LIEUT. .LENNOX There was a murder last night. Charley lives'next door and thinks he saw the victim in this house. BILLY (SEEMINGLY SHOCKED) That's impossible. I was here with Jerry all last night. There was nobody else in the house. CHARLEY That's a lie. (nodding at Billy) I saw him carry her body out in a plastic bag. LIEUT. LENNOX What do you say to that, Mr. Cole? BILLY (RELIEVED) The kid's crazy, officer. I did take some bags out last night, but they were full of trash. Here, let me show you -- 28 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY He leads them into the living room which is'a mess of pack- ing crates, boxes, and furniture. He holds up a plastic trash bag stuffed with wrapping paper and cardboard boxes. (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 20. 28 CONTINUED: 28 BILLY See. We're just in the process of moving in -- CHARLEY, The bag I saw had a body in it, not trash. I BILLY Did you actually see the body, Charley? CHARLEY No, but --. BILLY (TO LENNOX) Look, let me take you out back. I'.11 show you the bags I"put in the garbage. LT. LENNOX Okay, let's see 'em -- He takes a step to follow Billy out of the'room when Charley, increasingly desperate, stops him. CHARLEY Look, I can prove he's lying. Let's look in the basement instead. LT. LENNOX What's down there? BILLY (turning and staring AT CHARLEY)_ Yes, Charley, what's down there? Charley meets the big man's gaze and finds his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. The seconds, tick past. Still nothing from Charley. Billy turns to the Lieutenant with a smile. BILLY Obviously the boy's made a mistake, OFFICER -- CHARLEY (bursting out with it) A coffin, that's what's down there, a coffin. I saw them carry it in! LT. LENNOX (TAKEN ABACK) What? (CONTINUED) A 22. 30 CONTINUED: LT. LENNOX (CONT'D) (almost slamming Charley up against the car) Now you listen to me, kid. If I ever see your ass down at the station house again, I'm throwing it in jail. Forever! He hops in his-car, slamming the door behind him as Charley hovers by the window. CHARLEY Lieutenant Lennox, please, listen to ME -- Lennox ignores him, ROARING away in a cloud of burning rubber. Charley stares after him, not knowing what to do now. He hears the PORCH DOOR of the Dandrige house OPEN behind him and whirls to find himself staring at Billy Cole, standing on the porch looking back at him, a toothpick in his mouth. There's something very unpleasant in the big man's eyes:- like murder. Charley slowly backs away from him toward his car, Cole's eyes following him.. Charley glances down at his wrist- watch.' It's four in the afternoon. He glances up at the sun overhead. It's beginning to sink, late afternoon and all that implies drawing nigh. He looks back at Billy Cole. The man is smiling at him now, reading his thoughts. Charley leaps into his car and takes off down the street. CUT TO: 31 INT. EVIL ED'S HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - DAY Charley bursts through the front door and pounds up the stairs, yelling as he comes. CHARLEY Evil! 32 ZNT. EVIL ED'S BEDROOM - DAY Evil Ed sits at his desk,. hand painting a monster model of a ghoul as Charley bursts through the door and skids to a halt before him, breathing hard. Evil's room is a veritable museum of horror, movie posters of Frankenstein and the Wolfman dotting the wall, the shelves full of monsters', models, the floor littered with horror comics. Evil glances up at Charley., obviously not happy about being disturbed. (CONTINUED ) 23. 32 CONTINUED: EVIL ED And to what do I owe this dubious pleasure? CHARLEY The vampire knows that I know about him. Or at least he will when he wakes up tonight. EVIL ED What are you talking about? -CHARLEY I've got a vampire living next door and he's going to kill me if I don't protect myself. EVIL ED (looking at him like HE'S CRAZY) What? CHARLEY Look, Evil, I haven't got time to explain. Just tell me what to do to .protect myself. EVIL ED (going back to his PAINTING) Very funny, Brewster. CHARLEY I'm not kidding. Evil, please, just tell me what to do. EVIL ED Why should I help you? And don't call me that. CHARLEY (digging money out of HIS POCKET) Look, I've got eight bucks. Tell me what' to do and it s yours. Evil Ed stares at the money for a moment and then sweeps it into his. pocket. EVIL ED Far be it from me to turn down a fool's money. Where and when do you expect this vampire to attack? (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/6/84 24. 32 CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY In my bedroom. Tonight. Evil Ed puts down his brush and pulls a dime store cross from his desk. He hands it to-Charley. EVIL ED Start with this. Of course, you have to have faith for it to work. Then get some wolfbane -- CHARLEY What? EVIL ED Forget it. Get some garlic, links of the stuff you can wear around your neck and hang from your window. If he comes for you,, that'll be the way. Then, of course, there's holy water. But you need a priest to say a blessing over it first. He goes back to his painting. Charley stares at him. CHARLEY That's all? EVIL ED 'I'm afraid so. Of course, they can change into wolves and bats at will and I don't know what you do about that. But your best protection right now is that a vampire can't enter your house without being invited by the rightful owner first. CHARLEY You sure about that? EVIL ED Positive. SMASH CUT TO: 33 OMITTED THRU 35 36 INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley steps back to stare at his window, finished at last. Be's done the best he can, nailing-it shut, strewing it with garlic, his chest of drawers shoved in front of it, partially blocking. it. (CONTINUED) A 25. 36 CONTINUED: The cross Evil Ed gave him sits on his desk. He tests the window. It's secure. His mother calls up to him from the portico below. JUDY (O.S.) Charley, come down here, please. There's someone I want you to meet. He turns and walks out of the room, feeling better now. 37 â¢ INT. PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT He bounces down the stairs and turns toward the door to the living room. 38 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT He walks into the living room to find his mother standing there, a drink in her hand. CHARLEY Yeah, Mom -- JUDY Charley, this is.our next door neighbor, Jerry Dandrige. Charley freezes. Jerry Dandrige sits in the best chair, a drink in his hand, smiling at Charley. He's even better looking close up, almost blindingly beautiful, too much so actually. There's something disturbing about it, as though such good looks have to cover up an inner putrefaction, some sort of hidden, sweet, sickly rot just beneath the perfect pale skin. He rises, the smile widening as he sees the terror in Charley's eyes. He holds his hand out as Judy watches her son for his reaction. JERRY Hello, Charley. Charley just stares at him. JUDY Well, shake hands, Charley. There's no reason to be rude. Charley slowly crosses to Jerry and takes his hand, shaking it as one would the hand of a recently disinterred corpse. Judy.smiles, pleased with herself. (CONTINUED) 4 26. 38 CONTINUED: CHARLEY What's he doing here? JUDY (rising and smiling AT JERRY) I invited him over for a drink. CHARLEY (stone cold horrified) You what? JUDY (a bit taken aback by the intensity of her SON'S REACTION) Invited him over. Why? Charley turns back to stare at Jerry. Jerry smiles, speak- ing in a voice that flows like honey, charm and nascent sensuality oozing from his every pore. JERRY What's wrong, Charley? Afraid I'd never come over without being invited first? You're quite right. But, of course, now that I've been made welcome, I'll probably drop by quite a bit. His voice changes, suddenly charged with double meaning, his eyes burning into Charley. JERRY In fact, anytime I feel like it. (changing tack, turn- ing back to Judy) With your mother's kind permission, of course. JUDY (TOTALLY ENRAPTURED WITH HIM) Of course, Jerry. You're welcome anytime. It's so nice someone interesting has finally moved into the neighborhood. It's so dull around here. I mean how many nights can you play Trivial Pursuit? Right, Jerry? JERRY Right, Judy. Charley watches this scene, backing across the room, terri- fied. He suddenly hits an end table, knocking it with a crash to the floor. Judy looks at him. He's ghost white. (CONTINUED) ch Rev.. 12/4/84 27. 38 CONTINUED: (2) JUDY Charley,. are you all right? CHARLEY (his eyes on Jerry as he backs for the door) Yeah, fine. I've just got to get back to my trigonometry, that's. all. JERRY Nice meeting you, Charley. (his voice suddenly dripping with double ENTENDRE) See you soon. And unseen by Judy, he looks directly at Charley and winks at him. Charley whirls, bolting out of room and pounding up the stairway out of sight. Judy turns to Jerry. JUDY You know, our town really isn't'as boring as I make it sound. For instance, there's a dance at the church the first Friday of every month. JERRY Really? JUDY (BIG SMILE) Really. Jerry smiles a secret smile and takes a sip of his drink. 39 INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Be bursts through the door and scoops up the phone, punch- ing out a number frantically. CUT TO: 40 INT. EVIL ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He is still at work, painting the monster model of the Ghoul. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up. EVIL ED Yeah. CHARLEY (V.O.) The vampire is in the house. My idiot mother just invited him over for a drink. (CONTINUED) Rev. 12/4/84 27k. 40 CONTINUED: EVIL ED (starting to laugh) No shit? CUT BACK TO: 41 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT CHARLEY Ed, this is serious! (CONTINUED) Rev. 12/4/84 28. 41 CONTINUED: EVIL ED (V.0.) You still have my'cross? CHARLEY Yeah, and I nailed my.window shut. EVIL ED ' (V .0 . ) Then relax. There's no way he can get to you. CHARLEY You sure? CUT BACK TO: 42 INT. EVIL ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT EVIL ED Positive. Now good night. I've got some studying to do. He hangs up, returning to painting his monster model of the Ghoul, mumbling to himself. EVIL ED Fucking idiot. CUT BACK TQ: 43. INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley-grabs the cross off his desk and nervously fingers it, turning to stare out his window at Jerry's window next door. The shade is pulled, but there's a light on behind it. It doesn't make Charley any less nervous. DISSOLVE: 44 EXT...DANDRIGE AND BREWSTER HOUSE - NIGHT Both houses sit quietly on the street, wrapped in the dark- ness of the night air. An ordinary enough image, two houses, sitting there, but there's something disturbing about it. After.a few seconds one realizes what it-is: the Dandrige house almost looks like it's about to pounce on its next door neighbor, the Brewster house. 45 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Judy is sound asleep, a light breeze wafting the curtains. of her partially open window, sleeping mask over her eyes. 46 INT. SECOND FLOOR HALL - NIGHT Darkness and silence, and nothing else but moonlight spill- ing through the window at the far end. 29. 47 INT.. CHARLEY' S BEDROOM - NIGHT He sleeps fitfully in his chair, his door locked behind him, his window barricaded with his desk. 48 INT. SECOND FLOOR HALL - NIGHT Suddenly the shadowy outline of.what might be a huge bat swoops past the window outside followed by the BEATING OF MIGHTY WINGS. A second later something is heard landing on the roof with a heavy THUD. 49 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Charley sits bolt upright in his bed as he hears it, lis- tening hard. But now there's nothing but silence. He stares up at the ceiling, listening and waiting. Then he hears what SOUNDS LIRE FOOTSTEPS walking across the roof. And then silence again. Grabbing the cross and holding on to it tightly, he walks toward his door. 50 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT He unlocks the door and pokes his head out, looking up and down the hall. Nothing. Then he hears it, a NOISE from the floor below. It sounds like fingernails scratching-. across glass. He tiptoes to the landing, staring down at the shadow enshrouded portico below. The NOISE IS LOUDER now, spookier, more insistent. Clutching his cross, he starts down the stairs. 51 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT' Jerry Dandrige stands above Judy, staring down at her sleeping peacefully in her bed. The window behind him is now fully open. He glides across the room past Judy's bureau with her wigs sitting on it, past the wall mirror without leaving a reflection to mark his passing, and out the door with unnatural silence. 52 INT. HALLWAY -.NIGHT Jerry closes the door behind him, giving it a sharp tug that slightly dislodges it-from it hinges, wedging it..tight against the frame. It's something no man of ordinary strength could accomplish that easily. He turns away, gliding across the hall toward the open door to Charley's bedroom. 53 INT. STAIRWAY - PORTICO - NIGHT Charley stands on the stairs, staring through the doorway into the living room. There is nothing but shadows in there. And then he sees it, the source of the scratching sound. (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 30. 53 CONTINUED: A tree branch, caressed by the wind, is slowly.moving back and forth across a pane of glass in one of the french doors to the patio. Relieved, Charley slips the cross into his pants pocket and turns, walking back up the stairs. 54 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT He walks down the hall past his mother's bedroom, hardly giving it â¢ glance as he disappears into his own room. 55 INT. CHAARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Be shuts the door softly behind him, locking it, sits, turns on the TV, rising again nervously and... turns to find himself facing Jerry Dandrige. Be opens his mouth to scream. The vampire's hand whips out with blinding speed and seizes him by the throat, choking off all sound. JERRY Now we wouldn't want to wake your mother, would we, Charley? (SMILING) Then I'd have to kill her, too. Right? Charley nods and Jerry flings the boy the length of the room with inhuman strength, slamming him into the far wail. Charley slips to the floor, all the air knocked out of him. Jerry advances on'him as Charley fights to get his breath back. - JERRY Do you realize the trouble you've caused me? Spying on me, almost disturbing my sleep this afternoon, telling policemen about me He reaches down and grabs the boy, jerking him erect, and slamming him against the wall again, Charley's legs dangling several feet above the floor. Jerry leans in, pressing his face close to Charley. JERRY You deserve to die, boy And he. begins to slowly choke Charley, suddenly stopping, staring into the boy's face. JERRY Of course, I could give you something I've never had... a choice. You forget abotrt me and I'll forget about you. What do you say, Charley? (CONTINUED) 32. 55 CONTINUED: (2) Judy can be heard RATTLING HER BEDROOM DOOR in its frame, trying to get it open. Jerry's head whips back and forth between the door to the hall and Charley, the SOUNDS of Judy struggling to get her bedroom door open becoming louder all the time. The door across the hall starts-to give with a groan. With a hiss of frustrated fury, the vampire whirls, throws open Charley's door, and dashes out into the hail. Charley throws off his shock at still being alive and plunges after him. 56 INT. HALL - NIGHT Charley skids to a halt in the hall, sees the window at the far end is flung open wide, and dashes to it, sticking his head out and staring up at the night sky. Suddenly on the roof above him, there is the SOUND OF POWERFUL WINGS, beat- ing away into the night. air. And then nothing. He slowly pulls his head back in and closes the window behind him, locking it. He turns to find Judy stumbling out to her room at last and looking at him. JUDY Charley, what happened? CHARLEY (THINKING FAST) I, I just had a nightmare. JUDY (INSTANTLY CONCERNED) Oh, no. You know, I had one last night. I was at this White Sale and there I was, standing at the counter, and I reached for my credit cards only to realize I was naked as the day I was born -- Suddenly they both hear a dull THUD as if metal is bending, .then nothing. Judy stops, turning back toward the closed window as Charley peers through the glass, seeing the sha- dowy form of Jerry Dandrige slipping out of their garage and crossing into the.back yard of his own house. JUDY Now what's that? She takes a step for the window only to have Charley grab her, gently guiding her back toward her bedroom. CHARLEY Nothing, Mom. Just the raccoons in the garbage again. Why don't you go back to sleep. , JUDY But what about your nightmare? Do you want a valium? (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 33. 56 CONTINUED: CHARLEY I'm fine now, honest. Night. JUDY Well, I do needy sleep. I start the night shift tomorrow, you know. CBARLEY Yes, Nom, I know. Now, good night. He pushes her through her door into her bedroom, closing the door behind her and turning for his own room. 57 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley closes the door behind him, clicking on the TV for company, hardly looking at it as he paces. the room, lost in thought. It's Fright Night again, another hor- ror film on. It's the last thing he needs to see, and he's about to lean over and turn.it off when the PHONE suddenly RINGS by his side, raking him jump. Be picks it up, but doesn't say anything, just listening at the receiver. Suddenly he bears Jerry's sibilant whisper. JERRY (V.O.) I know you're there, Charley, I can see you. Charley slowly turns, staring out his window. There, in the window of the house next door,. stands Jerry Dandrige, the phone to his ear, staring at Charley. S8 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - JERRY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jerry stands at his window, staring back at the horror struck visage of the boy it the. window of the house next door while Billy kneels at his side, solicitously bandag- ing his injured hand. JERRY I just destroyed your car, Charley. But-it's nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you tomorrow night. Be hangs up, slowly reaching out and drawing the shade. 59 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - CHARLEY'S.ROOM - NIGHT Charley watches the shade blank the lit window out. (CONTINUED) 4 33A. y1 Rev. 11/23/84 1 59 CONTINUED: He slowly hangs up the phone, sinking onto the bed, thinking hard and coming up with no answers. On the TV, the horror'flick dissolves as Peter Vincent comes on doing a station break rap. PETER (V.O.) Hello, horror fans. I hope you're enjoying "I, A Vampire Part Two." It's one of my best. Did you know a lot of people don't believe in vampires? (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 34. 59 CONTINUED: Charley straightens up, his gaze suddenly riveted to the screen. PETER (V.0.) But I do. Because I know they exist. I have faced them inn. all their guises, men, wolves, bats. And I have always won. That's why they call me The Great Vampire Killer. (DRAMATIC PAUSE) Now, watch me do it -- The horror flick comes back up on the screen, a much younger Peter stalking Dracula through a drafty castle, stake and mallet in hand. Charley watches the movie with renewed, if not fervent interest, whispering to himself as he watches. CHARLEY Get him, Peter,. get him -- DISSOLVE TO: 60 OMITTED 61 EXT. STUDIO PARKING LOT - DAY Peter comes out of the studio dressed in his street clothes, moping toward his car, taking a cigarette from his cigarette case as he goes. Eels in his fifties, tall, saturnine, by nature very theatrical, but at this particular moment in time, also very depressed. Charley jumps out from hiding and hurries toward him. CHARLEY Hey, Mr. Vincent -- Peter ignores him, continuing to walk-toward his car as. Charley falls in beside him. CHARLEY Could I talk to you a minute? (nothing from Peter) Please, Mr. Vincent, it's terribly important. Peter, abruptly stopped, resigned to the fact that boy is not going to let him alone. He whips out a fountain pen. PETER All right, what do you want me to sign? CHARLEY (CONFUSED) Pardon me? PETER Well, you want my autograph, don't you? (CONTINUED) ._ .. 35. 61 CONTINUED: CHARLEY No, sir. I was curious about what you said last night on TV. You know, about believing in vampires. PETER What about it? CHARLEY Were you serious? PETER Absolutely. Unfortunately none of your generation seems to be. CHARLEY What do you mean? PETER (venting his frustra- tion on Charley) That I have been fired because no one wants to see vampire killers anymore. Or vampires either. Apparently all they want are demented madmen running around in ski masks hacking up young virgins. Now if'you'll excuse me -- Be starts for his car again, Charley falling in beside him. CHARLEY i believe in vampires. PETER (HARDLY LISTENING) That's nice. If only there had been more of you perhaps my rating would have been higher., CHARLEY In fact I have one living next door. Would you help me kill him ? That stops Peter cold. He turns and stares at the boy. PETER Pardon me? CHARLEY You know the murder of that girl that happened yesterday? PETER Yes. (CONTINUED) 36. 61 CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY Well, the'guy who lives next door did it and he's a vampire. A moment. Then Peter turns away angrily. PETER If this is your idea of a joke, I am not amused. CHARLEY (GRABBING HIM) Mr. Vincent, I'm not joking. I'm deadly serious. Peter stares at him, sees he means it, and decides Charley's crazy. It makes him decidedly nervous. PETER - I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me -- CHARLEY (hurrying after him) But, Mr. Vincent, I'm telling the TRUTH -- Peter stops before his car, on outrageous old clunker, and fishes out his keys. CHARLEY You just said you believe in VAMPIRES -- PETER (SHARPLY) I' lied. Now leave me alone. He opens the door only to have Charley slam it shut, star- ing at Peter desperately. â¢ CHARLEY Please, you have to listen to me. The vampire tried to kill me last night-and trashed mv car when he didn't succeed. He'll be coming back for me tonight and if I don't get help, he's going to kill me -- Peter shoves him aside,â¢hopping into his car, quickly lock- ing the door behind him, obviously terrified of Charley. As he starts the engine, Charley beats on the window. CHARLEY Mr. Vincent, you've got to believe INC -- (CONTINUED) 37. 61 CONTINUED: (3) Peter backs up, hauling ass out of the lot, Charley running after him.' CHARLEY Mr. Vincent He comes to a halt, realizing its useless, standing there .watching as Peter disappears out of the lot and down the street. CUT TO: 62 OMITTED 63 EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE - DAY Amy rides up on her moped just as Evil Ed starts.up the front walk toward Charley's house. She dismounts, looking at him. AMY What are you doing here? EVIL ED Me? What about you? I thought you just dumped him. AMY (hurrying up the walk) What I'm doing here is-none of your business. EVIL ED (hurrying after her) Aha, you do like him! He disappears into the house right behind her. 64 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - DAY Amy and Evil Ed push open the door and step inside,'Amy yelling up the steps. AMY Anybody home? No answer, nothing but silence. She and'Evil Ed exchange glances, then start up the steps. 65 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - DAY ' Amy and Evil Ed walk through the door and stop, gasping at what they see. (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/16/84 38. 65 CONTINUED: The room has been transformed from a normal, happy kid's room into a armament camp for a vampire assault. The window is nailed shut,. strands of garlic, a dozen at least, hung from the curtains. Dime store crosses and cru- cifixes are everywhere,, in every imaginable shape and size. Charley sits. in' the middle of the floor, whittling a stake from a slat of grape fence, a hammer by his side. EVIL ED (STARING AROUND) What's all this for? CHARLEY Self-defense. Not that I think I'll need it. He'll be dead before nightfall. AMY (exchanging.: worried glances with Evil. Ed) Who will be? CHARLEY Dandrige. I'm waiting for the guy he lives with to leave, then I'm doing to go next door, find his coffin, and pound this through his heart. He holds up the stake. Evil Ed and Amy look at it, hor- rified. AMY That's murder, Charley. CHARLEY (looking back at her with total seriousness) You can't murder a vampire, Amy. They're already dead, remember. AMY Charley, you're acting crazy. CHARLEY I don't have any choice, Amy. The police won't listen to me,.my mother thinks I'm crazy, you two, even Peter Vincent thinks I'm nuts. AMY (SHOCKED AGAIN) You actually went to Peter Vincent? (CONTINUED) 39. Rev. 11/16/84 65 CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY (NODDING) Yeah. Dandrige has got to be stopped. Listen. I just taped this. He hits the play button on his stereo Dolby TAPE DECK and a local RADIO NEWSCAST PLAYS back. over the speakers. NEWSCASTER (V..0. ) And now for the two o'clock news. Another body of a young woman was discovered early this morning in back of the Sheraton Mall -- He hits the stop button and turns back to them. CEARLEY See. After he attacked me last night he went out and had his dinner. (turning to stare out the window at the Dandrige house again) No, I- don't have any choice. Somebody has to stop him. Hold.on, I need ANOTHER STAKE He rises and disappears out the door into the hall. Evil Ed turns to Amy, truly frightened for the first time. He whispers to her. EVIL ED What are we going to do? if we don't stop him he's actually going to try to kill this guy. (REALLY HORRIFIED) With a stake through the heart! AMY I know, I know -- EVIL ED I don't believe this. It's like Fright Night. AMY (her eyes lighting up) That's it! -EVIL ED What? AMY We get Peter Vincent to prove to him that this Dandrige guy isn't a vampire. EVIL ED (shocked by the SUGGESTION) How are we going to do that? (CONTINUED) bi Rev. 10/9/84 40. 65 CONTINUED: (3) AMY I don't-know, but we better figure out a way if we don't want to be visiting Charley in jail. Charley enters from the hall, carrying another slat of wood to be sharpened. Evil Ed and Amy fall silent as he takes his seat by the window and goes back to his whittling. AMY (nervously clearing her THROAT) Charley, .it's going to be dangerous doing into that house alone, isn't it? (CHARLEY NODS) You're going to need all the help you can get, right? Somebody like Peter Vincent for instance. CHARLEY I told you, I already tried him. AMY Why not let us try before you do anything? CHARLEY Why should he believe you anymore than he did me? AMY Maybe we're better talkers. CHARLEY Fat chance. AMY What happens if you go into that house alone and he gets you? Who's going to stop him then? EVIL ED (JOINING IN) Yeah, then he'll be able to suck his way through this entire town. Not that it would-be much of a loss. CHARLEY (SLOWLY) I don't know -- (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 41. 65 CONTINUED: (4) AMY (pushing him hard) Charley, it'll be dark soon. You don't want to go into-"that house then, do you? CHARLEY No, you're right there. (ANOTHER MOMENT; FINALLY) All right, try him again.. AMY (RISING) Great. Now, you promise you won't do anything till .you hear from us? (as Charley nods; she turns to Evil Ed) Come. on -- Evil Ed hurries out of the room, Amy following him. Charley calls after her. CHARLEY AMY -- (she stops, turning BACK) You don't believe me, do you? AMY (SLOWLY) I love you., Charley. She turns and hurries out of the room. 66 OMITTED 67 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - DAY Billy stands at the window, peering through the curtain at Amy and Evil Ed as they hurry out of Charley's house and start down the street. He glances at his watch. It's four o'clock, another good two hours before dusk begins to fall. .He turns and stares thoughtfully up the stairway in the di- rection. of the attic. CUT TO: 68 OMITTED 69 INT. APARTMENT - DAY Peter lets himself into his efficency apartment carrying a handful of mail. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/64 41A. 69 CONTINUED: 69 The place is small, but neat, the walls dotted with posters of his various movies, all in the horror genre, stretching back at least three decades. The bookshelves' and table are dotted with memorabilia, props and awards, from his various roles. He stops by the. table, going through the mail. They're bills and more bills, many marked "Last Notice", one of them an order to vacate this apartment within three days for failure to pay rent. Suddenly there is a KNOCK at his door and he goes wearily to answer it. He opens it to find Amy and Evil Ed standing there. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 42. 69 CONTINUED: (2) PETER Yes. AMY Could we talk to you for a moment, Mr. Vincent? Â¢ PETER (his gaze sliding to the unpaid bills) I'm afraid now isn't the best time -- AMY Please. It's terribly important. He stares at her and. sees the desperation in her eyes. He steps back, closing the door behind him, and following them into the room. PETER Now what' can I do for you? An autograph or an interview for your school newspaper? AMY I'm afraid this is much more. important. PETER (FROWNING) Oh, really? AMY I know you're a very busy man, Mr. Vincent, but we're trying to save a boy's life. PETER (HURUMPHING) Well, yes, I see, where that could be more important. Would you care to explain yourself? EVIL ED (STEPPING IN) You remember a fruitcake kid named Charley Brewster. He said he came to see you? PETER' (shaking his head) No. AMY He's the one who thinks a vampire is living next door. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 43. 69 CONTINUED: (2) 1 PETER (SMILING) Oh, yes. He's insane. (looking at Amy) Dear me, I hope he's not a friend of yours? EVIL ED . (MALICIOUSLY) She's got the hots for the creep. She flushes and smacks Evil Ed, making him yelp. She turns back to Peter. AMY We need your help' to stop him, Mr. Vincent. You see, he really does believe his next 'door neighbor is a vampire. Re's planning to kill him. EVIL ED (GLEEFULLY) Yeah, with a stake through the heart. 'Peter stares at them for a moment. PETER Are you two serious? (as Any nods) My dear, your friend needs a psychiatrist, not'a vampire killer. AMY (BEGGING) Please, Mr. Vincent. PETER I'm afraid not, my dear. (nodding at an open suitcase on the bed) You see, Hollywood beckons. I've been offered a starring role in a major movie. I've even had to quit Fright Night. So you see, I'm AFRAID -- .AMY I'll hire you. I'll give you money. PETER (quick as a wink) How much? (CONTINUED) or Rev. 11/26/84 44. 69 CONTINUED: (3) AMY I have a five hundred dollar savings BOND -- PETER I'll take it. (sitting in a chair across from her, sud- denly all charm) Now how are we going to cure your little friend of this delusion? EVIL ED I got it all figured out. We all go next door to the neighbor and you run some kind of vampire test on-him and pronounce-him human. Like in "Orgy of the Damned." You know, where you looked in the mirror and the guy didn't have a reflection and then you knew he was a vampire. PETER (GETTING MISTY-EYED) Ah, yes, that was one of my favorite roles. I still have the prop. 'He pulls out a silver cigarette case and flips it open. The inside of the lid is a mirror. He suddenly snaps it shut and slips it back into his pocket, looking up at them. PETER It sounds fine to me, but how do we get this next door neighbor to agree? EVIL ED (CONFIDENTLY) Leave that to me -- Nobody glances out the window as Evil Ed picks up the phone and dials 411, but if they did, they'd see night has fallen. CUT TO: 70 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT As the CAMERA watches all the clocks on the wall begin to tick, signaling dusk has fallen and Jerry is awakening. CAMERA PANS off the clocks to phone on the portico table. It RINGS. Billy appears down the hall. from the kitchen. He picks it up. BILLY Yes. (CONTINUED) 45. 7Q CONTINUED: He listens as what must be the ATTIC DOOR is heard CREAKING OPEN on the floor above. Billy turns and stares up the stairway as Jerry appears out of the darkness, slowly walk- ing down the steps. Billy holds the phone out to him. BILLY It's for you. Jerry takes it. JERRY Yes. (HE LISTENS) Yes, this is Jerry Dandrige. (he listens some more, slowly smiling) I see. Yes, of course, I'm always willing to help young people. But Vm afraid crosses wouldn't do. You see, I've been reborn recently. He smiles at Billy; Billy smiles back. CUT BACK TO: 71 INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Evil Ed cups his hand over the receiver and turns to Peter as Amy watches.' EVIL ED He's a reborn Christian. He thinks crosses would be sacrilegious. PETER Ask him how he feels-about holy water? EVIL ED (back.into the phone) How about holy water? (he listens, then back TO PETER) Won't do either. PETER Tell him it'll-be just ordinary tap water and all he has to do is take a sip. Evil Ed turns back to the phone. CUT BACK TO: 46. 71A INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - NIGHT Jerry listens into the phone while Billy watches. JERRY Yes, that sounds fine. Only don't come over till six tomorrow. (PAUSE) I'll be out until then. He slowly hangs up and turns to Billy. JERRY It seems we won't have to go out tonight after all. His friends are bringing him over tomorrow night. (PAUSE) To prove to him that I'm not a vampire. Billy smiles. So does Jerry. DISSOLVE TO: 72 OMITTED 73 EXT. BREWSTER AND DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT Evil Ed and Amy drive up in a cab, hopping out, and hurry up the walk toward Charley's house. 74 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Charley sits in the dark-, a razor sharp wooden stake in one hand, a hammer in the other. He's dividing his attention between the window and the door. There is a M40CK at the door. He raises the stake, ready to defend himself. CHARLEY Who is it? EVIL ED (O . S . ) It's me and Amy, stupid. Open up. Charley opens the-door and lets them in. Amy throws her- self into his arms, almost dancing around the room in her joy. AMY Charley, Peter Vincent said he'd come. CHARLEY He did. When? AMY Tomorrow at six. (CONTINUED) 47. 74 CONTINUED% CHARLEY (SUDDENLY FRIGHTENED) But Dandrige will be out of his coffin by then. EVIL ED, Relax, he's Peter Vincent, the Great Vampire Killer. He must know what he's doing, right? CHARLEY (GETTING PARANOID) I don't know. Maybe.he didn't take it SERIOUSLY -- AMY (LYING MIGHTILY) Oh, he did, Charley, he did. CHARLEY (looking at her) Honest? AMY (NODDING SOLEMNLY) Honest. CHARLEY (SLOWLY) Then maybe we it really have a chance to kill Dandrige tomorrow night. (tears welling up in his eyes) You two don't know what it's been like, knowing there's a vampire living next door and having no one believe me -- AMY (SOOTHINGLY) It's all right, Charley She takes him in her arms, holding him close as Evil Ed turns away in disgust, staring out the window at the dark- ened window next door. 75 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - NIGHT Jerry sits in the dark, rocking back and forth in a chair, staring out the window into Charley's room, catching just the dim outlines of the three kids in the house next door. He smiles; if anybody saw the smile, they'd run screaming in the opposite direction. DISSOLVE TO: Yl Rev. 11/23/84 48. 76 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - DUSK INTO NIGHT The three teenagers, Charley, Evil Ed, and Amy, stand in front of the house waiting. Dusk is slowly gathering, the shadows lengthening as night closes about them. Charley glances nervously at his watch. CHARLEY 'It's six ten. He said he'd be here at six, right? EVIL ED Relax. He said he'd be here, he'll be here. Peter's old clunker appears around the corner. Amy is the first to see it. AMY Here he comes. The kids rush the car as Peter pulls up. CHARLEY Mr. Vincent, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this -- Peter slowly gets out of the car, stretching to his full height. He wears his vampire killer regalia, the Victorian suit, and carries a small leather satchel. There is some- thing truly majestic about him.. He looks down at Charley, laying it on. with a trowel. PETER Charley Brewster, I presume? (as Charley nods; Peter shakes his hand) Peter Vincent, vampire killer. And now down to business. Where is the lair of this suspected creature of the night? CHARLEY (pointing at the DANDRIGE HOUSE) There. PETER (STUDYING IT) Ah, yes, I see what you mean. There is a distinct possibility. He opens the satchel, withdraws a small crystal vial of water, slips it into his jacket pocket, closes the bag, and replaces it on the front seat of his car. He locks the car and turns back to the kids., straightening his shoulders. PETER Well, shall we? (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 49. 76 CONTINUED: CHARLEY Where're your stakes and hammer? PETER. I left them in my bag-. CHARLEY (HORRIFIED) You're not going in there without them? PETER I have to prove he's a vampire before I kill him, Charley. CHARLEY But I know he's a vampire. PETER But I am the one that has to know, Charley. This is holy water. If it touches him, he'll blister- and in this case I asked him to drink it while we all watched. He readily agreed. CHARLEY (SHOCKED) He did? PETER Yes. Which doesn't exactly strengthen your case, does it? Now, shall we go. He takes a step up the walk. Charley grabs his arm. CHARLEY But, Mr. Vincent, if I'm right and you prove he's a vampire, he'll kill us all right then and there. PETER No, he won't, Charley. Not with me here to protect you. After all, I'm Peter Vincent.. ' - (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/26/84 50. GR 76 CONTINUED: (2) He starts up the walk, Amy and Evil Ed following him. Charley runs after him, increasingly desperate. CHARLEY, But, Mr. Vincent, you don't know how powerful he is. He can change into a bat and fly through the night -- Peter stops on the porch, knocking on the door, listening to the boy with half an ear. PETER Of course, Charley, of course. But then he's never dealt with me before either. CHARLEY BUT -- Billy Cole opens the door, his face lighting up when he sees Peter.He shakes his hand warmly. BILLY Mr. Vincent, Billy Cole. This is a pleasure. Won't you all come .in? He steps back and.Peter, Evil Ed, and Amy enter the house. Charley has no choice but to follow. 77 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - NIGHT Billy turns and yells up the stairs, all the clocks behind him ticking madly, the hour 6:30 p.m. BILLY Hey, Jerry, they're here. Several seconds pass. Nothing happens. Peter turns to Billy. PETER Perhaps he didn't hear you. BILLY (SMILING) Oh, he heard me all right. Suddenly a STEP CREAKS at the top of the staircase where the shadows are the heaviest. Slowly Jerry Dandrige walks down the stairs into view, first his elegant shoes, then his legs with their fashionable pants, and finally the rest of him, all beautifully turned out. His handsome face stares down. at them as he makes his entrance. There is something truly majestic about him, both incredibly attrac- tive and yet frightening at the same time. (CONTINUED) 51. vl Rev. 11/23/84 77 CONTINUED: Jerry reaches the bottom of the stairs and turns to Peter with a blinding smile. JERRY Ah, Mr. Vincent. (shaking Peter's hand WARMLY) I've seen all your films and I've .found them very amusing. PETER (OBVIOUSLY PLEASED) Why, thank you -- JERRY (turning to Amy-and - Evil Ed) And who might these two attractive people be? PETER (doing the intros) This is Ed Thompson and Amy Peterson. JERRY (bending low over Amy's hand and kissing it) Charmed. (looking up at Charley with a wicked smile) Isn't that what vampires are supposed to do, Charley? Charley scowls at him. The others laugh. Jerry turns to the living room. JERRY Please, come in -- Be ushers Peter into the living room, Billy following. Amy and Evil Ed stare after Jerry, both totally captivated. AMY God, he's neat. She follows him into the living room. Evil Ed shoots Charley a disgusted glance. (CONTINUED) 52. 77 CONTINUED: (2) EVIL ED Some vampire, Brewster. He follows the others. Left alone, Charley has no choice but to join them. 78 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Jerry looks around at the packing crates and few pieces of dusty furniture and turns back to the others. JERRY I I You'll have to excuse the mess. I'm still unpacking -- CHARLEY (SOURLY) 1 Where do you keep your coffin? Or do you have more than one? PETER (a warning growl) CHARLEY -- JERRY (SMILING) It's all right, Mr. Vincent. I'm quite used to it by,now. As you may or may not know, Charley even brought the police over a few days ago. Peter, Amy, and Evil Ed all look at Charley, shocked. AMY Charley, you didn't. CHARLEY (ANGRILY) Damn right, I did; Only the cops .didn't believe me anymore than any of you. (back to Jerry) But you'll believe me in a few seconds. Mr. Vincent, give him the holy water. PETER (WARNING HIM) Charley, there's no reason to be rude about this -- PETER (raising a placating hand) It's perfectly all right, Mr. Vincent. Where is the, ah, holy water? (CONTINUED) 4 53. 78 CONTINUED: Peter withdraws the vial from his pocket. Jerry eyes it warily, staring at Peter, his voice suddenly heavy with double meaning. JERRY Are you sure that's holy water, Mr. Vincent? PETER (playing it up) Positive. I saw Father Scanlon bless it down at Saint Mary's myself. Jerry takes the vial from his-hand, pulling the stopper, and sniffing at it, for the first time nervousness creeping into his manner.. Charley sidles up to Amy, whispering in her ear as Jerry prepares to drink the water. CHARLEY Get ready to run. I'll protect you with this. He edges a cross out of his pocket, just giving her a glimpse of it. He glances up just as Jerry lifts his head back and. downs the contents of the vial in one swallow. He 1 7 7 turns to Peter triumphantly. JERRY There, satisfied? PETER Totally. (TO CHARLEY) Charley, you saw it. Are you convinced now that Mr. Dandrige isn't a vampire? Charley stares at Jerry and the vial, stunned almost into speechlessness. CHARLEY But, it can't be -- PETER You just saw it, Charley. You know as well as I do that no vampire could drink blessed water. CHARLEY Then it wasn't blessed! PETER (HUFF ILY) Are you calling me a liar, young man? (CONTINUED) 54. 78 CONTINUED: ( 2) Charley looks at Jerry. Jerry stares back at hire, smiling. Charley suddenly whips the cross out of his packet and holds it up. CHARLEY If he's not a vampire, then have him touch this? Jerry stiffens, his face losing its color, but none of the others notice. They're all looking askance at Charley. Peter steps up to the boy. PETER Charley, you've already made a fool of yourself once. There's no reason to compound the error. _ JERRY Yes, Charley, you've already.caused your friends quite enough pain. (his eyes burning into Charley, hammering the POINT HOME) You don't want to cause them any more, do you? Charley sees.Dandrigeâ¢coiling to . spring, Billy sliding into place blocking the doorway to the portico. The tension level in the room is suddenly unbearable. Peter, Amy, and Evil Ed are aware of it although they don't know the reason. Charley slowly edges the cross back into his pocket. CHARLEY No, no, of course not., JERRY And you're finally-convinced I'm not a vampire either,-correct? Their eyes lock; a moment passes. Then finally: CHARLEY Yes. Jerry smiles at him and the tension suddenly flows out of the room. Billy even smiles. Jerry steps forward, usher- ing them all toward the portico. JERRY Well, I'm glad that's all.settled. 79 INT. PORTICO - NIGHT. They all stop before the front door, Billy in the back- ground Jerry turns to Peter. (CONTINUED) 55. 79 CONTINUED: JERRY I can't tell you how much I. appreciate this, Mr. Vincent. You've been a great help. PETER -. Not at all, Mr. Dandrige. Glad to be of service. Jerry ignores Charley, turning to Amy and Evil Ed as Peter steps back, reaching into his coat pocket for his cigarette case. JERRY It's been very nice meeting both of you. Please, feel free to drop by anytime. (his eyes singling out Amy and.burning into her) You'll always be welcome. AMY (her eyes beginning to glaze over) I'd, I'd like that, Mr. Dandrige. JERRY Please, call me Jerry. Her face is beginning to stiffen, her eyes turning blank. Charley looks at her in sudden alarm, remembering the girl he saw through the window that night. He grabs Amy by the arm, tugging. her toward the door. CHARLEY C'mon, let's get out of here -- AMY (pulling away from him, her gaze never LEAVING DANDRIGE) Just a minute, Charley -- Smiling, Jerry turns to Evil Ed as behind them all Peter opens his cigarette case, takes out a smoke, about to tamp it down on a thumbnail when he glances at the mirror on the inside of the-lid. He sees Amy, Evil Ed, and Charley grouped around where Jerry Dandrige should be standing, but he's not there. It's as though the kids are talking to thin air. (CONTINUED) 56. 79 CONTINUED: (2) JERRY The same goes for you,.Ed I suspect we have many of the same interests. You know, in such things as horror movies and the occult. Peter's head jerks up and he looks at the doorway. Now he sees Jerry standing there, talking to the kids. Peter 4 looks back down at the mirror again. No Jerry. His face goes chalk white, his mouth gasps for air, and he drops the case from his palsied hands. It smashes to the hardwood floor with a crash. Everyone turns and looks at him. JERRY Something wrong, Mr. Vincent? Peter hurriedly scoops up the case, trying to hide his shaking hands and keep the tremor out of his voice. PETER No, no, just my clumsiness. Come along, we must be going. Thank you again, Mr. Dandrige He ushers the teenagers out the front door as Jerry watches, puzzled by his sudden change in attitude. 80 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT Peter plunges down the walk to his ca-r, the kids hurrying to keep up with him. Charley looks at him. CHARLEY What's wrong with you? PETER Nothing. He stops by his car, fumbling his keys-out of his pocket, hardly able to fit them into the lock with his trembling hands. CHARLEY Then why are your hands shaking? PETER (his hands shaking worse than ever) They're- not shaking. Be finally gets the door open, hurriedly sliding in behind the wheel, slamming the door behind them. Charley leans down, speaking through the partially open window. (CONTINUED) Rev. 12/4/84 57. 80 CONTINUED% CHARLEY You saw something in there, didn't you, something that convinced you he was a vampire? PETER Will you be quiet. CHARLEY Is Jerry Dandrige a vampire or not? 4 PETER (struggling to get the car started) No, of course not. CHARLEY Please, Mr. Vincent, you have to tell me. Our lives depend on it. PETER All right. He didn't cast a reflection in my mirror. Satisfied now? CHARLEY Mr. Vincent, you have to call the Polic e-and tell them -- The-ENGINE finally CATCHES, and he ROARS away in a cloud of burning rubber, Charley watching him go, half frustrated to death. CHARLEY SHITI 80A INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - NIGHT Billy and.Jerry peer out the window, watching the-kids walk away from the house. JERRY (almost to himself) I could teach her so much -- BILLY What? JERRY Nothing. Jerry turns away from the window, sits at the foot of the stairs. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 57A. BOA CONTINUED: BILLY (still at window) Well, at least they'll never believe the kid now. Jerry glances down and sees a sliver of mirror from Peter's cracked cigarette case at his feet. He picks it up, examining it. He casts no reflection in it. He holds it up for Billy to see. JERRY No? (RISING) Let's go. He grabs his leather jacket and moves- down the hallway toward the back door, Billy quickly following. SOB EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - STREET - NIGHT The kids are walking down the street away from the Dandrige house, the CAMERA CRANING UP to FOLLOW them as they recede in the distance, the darkness slowly swallowing them up. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 58 80B CONTINUED: CHARLEY (turning to Amy and Evil Ed) Well, at least you two heard him. EVIL ED Heard who?- I CHARLEY Peter Vincent. He said Dandrige had no reflection. EVIL ED Probably just a trick of the light. CHARLEY (whirling on Amy) You felt how evil Dandrige was, didn't you, Amy? Remember the way he looked at you? AMY (confused by the MEMORIES) Yes, sort of -- EVIL ED (bored with it all) Oh, for Christ sake -- He turns, about to duck between two houses. CHARLEY Where are you going? EVIL ED Rome. It's dinner time. CHARLEY Wait a minute. We walk Amy home first. EVIL ED Why? CHARLEY Because it's after dark, pencil.dick, and there's a vampire back there! Be points back at the Dandrige house. Evil Ed just stares at him. EVIL ED Oh, shit, Brewster, you're certifiable, you know that. (CONTINUED) 58A. pk Rev. 11/16/84 80B CONTINUED: They all start down the street together again; growing smaller and smaller until they disappear into the darkness. 81 81 OMITTED CUT TO: 82 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT The town of Rancho Corvallis is middling size, perhaps a hundred thousand people. 1 (CONTINUED) 59. 82 CONTINUED: There are several tall buildings around, not many but enough. Street lamps cast pools of bright light and deep shadows everywhere. There are a few pedestrians out, a few cars passing by, but once again, not many. The three kids walk down the street. Evil Ed stops before the open mouth to a shadow encrusted alleyway. EVIL ED .Let's cut through here. CHARLEY No way. We want people and lights, the more the better. EVIL ED Look, Brewster, vampires don't exist. Haven't you gotten that through your thick head yet? CHARLEY What if you're wrong, Evil? What if Dandrige is a vampire and he thinks you know it. Would you walk down that alley then? The hair on the back of Evil Ed's neck starts to stand on end. Then he denies it. EVIL ED Aw, fuck you, Brewster. He takes a step toward the alley. Charley grabs him. CHARLEY Ed, please, just stick with us. EVIL ED Forget it. You may be chickenshit, but I'm not. He disappears down the alley into the darkness. Amy and Charley stare after him. She turns to Charley. AMY What do we ' do?.. CHARLEY Â¢ Let him go. No vampire's gonna want hint anyway.. Probably give him blood poisoning. They're about to turn away when a blood curdling SCREAM ECHOES out of the darkness of the alleyway. It's Evil Ed. Charley and Amy dash headlong into the alley after him. 60. 83 INT. ALLEY - NIGHT They speed through the darkness, skidding to a halt on the shadow slick pavement, looking around. CHARLEY Where is he? Amy spots him laying crumpled against a wall. AMY Over here. I They dash to him, kneeling by his side. Evil Ed's eyes are closed, his breathing shallow. Charley tries to shake him awake. CHARLEY Ed, Ed, are you all right? Nothing from Evil Ed. Charley looks at Amy. CHARLEY Jesus, I warned him -- Evil Ed's eyes suddenly snap open, staring up wildly at Charley. EVIL ED He got me, Charley. He bit me. (grabbing him by THE LAPELS) You know what you're gonna have to do, don't you? (as Charley shakes his head, really scared) Kill me, Charley. Kill me before I turn into a vampire and -- He suddenly heaves himself.at Charley, his mouth opening, going for his throat as Charley jerks back, terrified. EVIL ED Give you a hickey! He suddenly lets Charley go, rolling on the pavement and laughing like a maniac, perfectly all tight. Charley springs to his feet, furious with him. CHARLEY You asshole, you fucking asshole! Evil Ed rolls on the ground in hysterics, pointing at him, and laughing loudly. (CONTINUED) 61. 83 CONTINUED: EVIL ED Ha, hah, really fooled you. (climbing to his feet and dusting HIMSELF OFF) You really believed me, you poor dope! CHARLEY (flushed with anger) You'll get yours someday, Evil. He grabs Amy's hand and walks back down the alley toward the street and the lights. Evil Ed yells after him. EVIL ED (MOCKINGLY) Yeah., when? When I'm bit by a vampire? There are no such things as vampires, you fruit cake! Still chuckling to himself, he turns in the opposite direc- tion and-disappears down the alleyway into the darkness. A moment passes; nothing but silence. Then Jerry Dandrige steps out from a shadowy wall where it would be impossible for any mortal to have concealed himself. It's almost as though he materializes out of the night. He stares after Charley and Amy and then slowly turns to stare in the opposite direction after Evil Ed. He slowly walks in that direction. 83A EXT. FARTHER DOWN THE ALLEY -.NIGHT Evil Ed walks along, feeling safe and secure. And then he hears it, FOOTSTEPS behind him, coming through the dark slowly toward him. He turns and looks back. EVIL ED Charley, Amy, that you? He hears nothing but those FOOTSTEPS GETTING CLOSER.and CLOSER. The fear starts to work at him, twisting up his gut and making his forehead sheen with sweat. He steps forward, yelling out with false bravery. EVIL ED If that's. you, it isn't working. I'm not scared! And then Jerry emerges out of the shadows, smiling at him. With a scream, Evil Ed turns and runs. bl Rev. 10/9/84 62. 83B EXT. FURTHER DOWN THE ALLEY - NIGHT Evil Ed runs like he's never run before,â¢pounding through the dark, smashing into traffic cans and falling to the ground, leaping to-his feet, ignoring his skinned hands and bruised knees, running for his life and knowing it. 83C EXT. DEAD END NIGHT He suddenly skids to a halt, facing a brick wall. He whirls, his breath-coming in ragged gasps now, peering down the alleyway into the dark, listening to those FOOTSTEPS getting closer and closer. He slowly backs away until he has no further to go his back against the brick wall, on the verge of hysteria. EVIL ED No, no -- The FOOTSTEPS SUDDENLY STOP. Nothing but silence. The seconds tick past. He takes a step away from the wall, peering into the darkness with something like hope, preying that maybe, just maybe, Dandrige has given up. A voice suddenly whispers in his ear, no more than an inch away. JERRY Hello, .Edward. Evil Ed turns with a scream to find Jerry standing right next to him. Almost insane with fear now, slobbering like a wounded animal, he backs away from the shadowy figure, hitting the corner and sliding to the cold pavement, almost curled up in a fetal ball, tears streaming from his eyes. Dandrige walks over to him, staring down with something like pity in his eyes. JERRY You have nothing to fear from me. (in a voice like honey) I understand what it's like, being different. Only they won't make fun of you anymore or beat you up. I'll see to that. All you have to do is take my hand. Evil Ed slowly looks up at him through his tear-stained eyes to see Jerry staring-down at him, his. hand outstretch- ed to.him, a slight smile on his face, gentle, seductive, beguiling. JERRY Here, Edward, take my hand. Evil Ed looks down at the hand outstretched to him. (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/16/84 63. 83C CONTINUED: It's beautiful, perfectly shaped with thin, elegant fingers, almost womanly, the nails impossibly long, perfectly shapped, tapering to five gleaming, razor sharp points. Evil Ed slowly reaches out and-takes the vampire's hand. Jerry smiles down at him and slowly leans down, lifting him up into the last embrace Edward Thompson will ever know. 84 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Charley and Amy walk rapidly along a street, heading toward Amy's home. He casts a glance at her. CHARLEY How much further? AMY About ten minutes -- A DEATH RATTLE, long and-high-pitched, suddenly comes to them, ECHOING through the city streets, down alleyways and across apartment buildings, faint yet filled with so much terror it stops them in their tracks and leaves them staring fearfully about at the shadows. CHARLEY What was that? AMY Evil Ed messing around. (SHOUTING) Not funny, Evil! Her voice bounces off the walls down the street and then dies, leaving them staring at the darkness and the shadows, fearful. Amy tries to act brave, turning to Charley. AMY C'MON -- They start down the street again, Charley glancing nervously over his. shoulder in the direction of Evil Ed's scream. CHARLEY Amy, what if Evil really was in trouble? AMY Oh, come on, Charley, don't let him suck you in again -- All the street lights suddenly go out, plunging them into almost total blackness. (CONTINUED) Rev. 12/4/84 64. 84 CONTINUED: They whirl, looking back down the now totally dark street, slowly backing away from the darkness. CHARLEY (to Army, in a HOARSE WHISPER) Don't tell me it's a power outage. AMY (EQUALLY SCARED) What else could it be -- 7 Charley stops, grabbing her, and nods to a light pole oppo- site them. She follows his gaze to see a power box on the pole, its front ripped open, the wires inside shredded.- Before they can even gasp at the sight, they hear the SOUND { OF HUGE WINGS beating overhead.. A huge shadow of a bat flies across the building wall opposite them. That's all it takes; they whirl, dashing down the street. 85 OMITTED 86 87 EXT. ANOTHER STREET - NIGHT They come-racing down a street, under a bridge and start up the incline toward the ROAR above. They turn onto the bridge, starting to.cross it., slowing to a walk, breathing hard. CHARLEY I think we lost him. AMY Yeah. (stopping and turning TO CHARLEY) Charley, you were right about the holy water. We faked it. I'm just sorry I didn't believe you. CHARLEY It's all right, Amy. He kisses her, takes her hand, and they start walking up the bridge. CHARLEY We've got it made And they freeze.' There, high above them on one of the arches of the bridge, so high up no one could possibly get there unless they flew, stands Jerry Dandrige, staring down at them. With a scream, they whirl, racing off the bridge and down the street. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 64A-. 87 CONTINUED: They suddenly turn the corner only to find they are facing Jerry Dandrige, standing on the sidewalk directly in front of them, amused by the frozen expressions of horror on their faces. CHARLEY- Run? He grabs Amy's hand, the two of them whirling and dis- appearing around the street corner. 88 OMITTED 89 EXT.. ANOTHER STREET - NIGHT I They race down the street.for the far corner. 90 EXT. ANOTHER STREET - NIGHT They whip around the corner only to skid to a halt. There stands. Jerry Dandrige again, smiling at them. He takes a step toward them and they whirl, diving down a side street. 91 EXT. SIDE STREET - CLUE RADIO - NIGHT They tear down the street, teeing the Club Radio, a fashionable disco, across the street. Its entrance is jammed with people trying to get in, all of them dressed to the teeth in New Wave and neo-punk. CHARLEY Over here -- (CONTINUED) I 65. 91 CONTINUED: Charley dives for it, dragging Amy after him just as Jerry appears. around the corner behind them, walking toward then with a steady gait, relaxed, in no great hurry, a hunter sure of his kill. Charley and Amy fight their way through the crowd until they reach the front door. A BOUNCER stands there, check- ing I.D.s and collecting the cover charge. He hardly looks down as Amy and Charley step up. BOUNCER Five bucks apiece. Charley frantically searches his pockets and comes up with change and nothing else. Amy pulls out a ten dollar bill and hands it to him. AMY I've got it -- As Charley takes it from her, he glances over her shoulder and sees Jerry moving through the crowd toward them. He shoves the money at the Bouncer hurriedly. CHARLEY HERE -- The man takes it and Charley grabs Amy, pulling her toward the door, watching over his shoulder as Jerry keeps coming closer and closer toward them. Suddenly the Bouncer reaches out and collars Charley'. BOUNCER Hey, just a sec. How old are you two? CHARLEY (lying through his TEETH) Eighteen. BOUNCER Let me see some I.D. Charley glances back. Jerry is just an arm's length away now. A MAN suddenly shoulders him aside just as he's about to grab Charley and Amy. MAN Hey, wait you turn. Jerry turns and stares at the man. Whatever the man sees in Jerry's eyes gives him the,cold sweats and.he backs hurriedly away. (CONTINUED) R 66. 91 CONTINUED: (2) Charley grabs Amy, using the moment to pull her away from the door and Jerry. The Bouncer shouts after them, holding up the ten spot. BOUNCER Hey, what about your.money? Charley and Amy come out of the crowd, backing away from the door just as Jerry emerges, stepping after them. He's only ten feet away now, smiling as he approaches, both kids realizing it's hopeless to run at this point. Backing away, Charley and Amy cross the mouth of an alley. There's the CRASH OF A GARBAGE PAIL and Charley glances down the alley to see a dish washer from the club dumping garbage, the bright lights of the door into the kitchen shining like a beacon in the night. Charley grabs Amy's hand and jerks her down the alley after him as he races for the door. 92 INT. CLUB RADIO KITCHEN - NIGHT He and Amy race through the mad house of a kitchen, one of the COOKS glancing up from chopping lettuce as they speed pass. COOK (waving his butcher knife at them) Hey, you can't go in there! 93 INT. CLUB RADIO - NIGHT They burst through the door to find themselves in a packed VIDEO DISCO, four huge screens overlooking the dance floor, all of them playing Michael Jackson's "Thriller." Charley and Amy disappear into the crush of people. A moment later the cook appears from the kitchen, signaling a bouncer cir- cling the floor, keeping a wary eye out for trouble. Charley and Amy fight their way through the sea of dancers, Charley looking about. He sees what he wants, a sign above a hallway reading. rest rooms and phone. He drags Amy in that direction. At the corner of the dance floor, the cook can be seen ges- turing to the bouncer, pointing in the direction the two kids took. 94 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT They break through the crowd and down the short hallway to a bank of pay phones opposite the restrooms. Charley digs a dime outâ¢of his pocket, drops it, and dials. Amy screams at him to make herself heard above the din. (CONTINUED) 67. 94 CONTINUED: AMY Who are you calling? CHARLEY (SCREAMING BACK) The police. (back into the phone) Yeah, give me Lieutenant Lennox. CUT TO: 94A INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT There is a KNOCK at Peter's locked and barred door. He slowly rises from his chair, the cross clenched in his hand, staring at it, terrified. The KNOCKING COMES.AGAIN, louder this time. He presses his lips to the door, whis- pering. PETER Who is it? EVIL ED Me, Evil Ed. PETER What do you want? EVIL ED There's a vampire out here. Let me in. Peter slips the cross into his pocket and unlocks the door. Be pulls Evil Ed into the room, hurriedly locking and bar- ring the door behind him. Evil Ed has changed, and not for the better. His skin is more sallow, huge dark circles under his eyes, his lips bloodless, his collar pulled up tightly around his neck. Peter turns to him. PETER What are we going-to do? EVIL ED What are you going to do, not me. Peter stares at him as Evil Ed slowly reaches up and pulls down the collar of his shirt, revealing two small puncture marks on his throat. Peter's eyes widen in horror; Evil Ed's smile only grows wider. EVIL ED I used to admire you, you know that. Of course, that was before I found out what â¢a fake you were. (CONTINUED) 68. 94A CONTINUED: He advances on Peter, looming over him, Peter staring up at the boy in growing terror. Evil. Ed smiles at him, reveal- ing two huge fangs. Peter leaps out of the chair, dashing for the door, fumbling to undo the locks and bars with trembling fingers. Evil Ed watches, his rictus grin just growing wider. EVIL ED Peter Vincent, the great vampire killer, indeed! He throws himself at Peter, grabbing him from behind and whirling him about, opening his mouth wide to sink his fangs into him. Peter straightens, grabbing the cross from his pocket and thrusting it directly into Evil Ed's face, slamming it into his forehead between his eyes. His skin sizzles and cracks, smoke rising, and Evil Ed backs away, bent over screaming in pain, his hands held to his face. He slowly looks up as Peter watches, frozen in horror. Evil Ed drops his hands from his face, revealing a smoking sign of the cross branded into his forehead. He stares at Peter. EVIL ED What have you done to me? He turns to look into the wall mirror, but there's no re- flection.for him to see. He whirls on Peter, screaming at him like the spoiled brat he is. EVIL ED What have you done to me? He takes a step toward Peter and Peter thrusts the cross at him. PETER Back. EVIL ED The master will kill you for â¢this. And not fast, slowly, oh, so slowly -- Peter advances on him, the cross held out in front of him with shaking hands, backing Evil Ed across the room toward the window. PETER Back, I say, back -- (CONTINUED) pk Rev.. 11/16/84 69. 94A CONTINUED: (2) Evil Ed snarls at him. like some trapped feral animal and suddenly whirls-, throwing himself headlong out the window in an EXPLOSION OF SHATTERING GLASS. Peter rushes to the window, staring out at the street below. Nothing. He cranes his-'neck peering at the heavens above. Nothing. He draws his head back in, leaning against.the wall, gasping for breath, on hand on his heart, feeling it about to leap out of his chest with the horror of it all. CUT BACK TO: 94B INT..CLUB RADIO - NIGHT I Charley slams the phone back into its cradle in frustra- I tion, Amy looking at him worriedly. CHARLEY He doesn't believe me. AMY (sinking back against the wall in defeat) I'm scared, Charley. I'm real scared. CHARLEY I won't let him get you, Amy. I promise. AMY We haven't got a chance, Charley. Not the two of us against him! What about your mother? Call her. CHARLEY She can't handle this, Amy. (SUDDENLY) You got Peter Vincent's number? AMY Oh, Charley, he doesn't care about us, I paid him to be there today. CHARLEY We don't have-any choice, Amy. Now give me his number. She reluctantly digs a scrap of paper out of her pocket as Charley drops another dime. CUT TO: 70. 94C CONTINUED: JERRY (a growl of inhuman RAGE) What? His hand snaps out, grabbing Evil Ed and jerking hin for- ward into the spill of light from the overhead street lamp. ' The sign of the cross is clearly seen on his forehead. Jerry stares at it in revulsion. JERRY What is that? EVIL ED (CRYING PITEOUSLY) He had a cross -- JERRY Fool! He slams him back into the seat with so much force the crossbar that holds it in'place.bends. 94D EXT.. STREET - JEEP - NIGHT Jerry leaps out of the Jeep, slamming the door behind him, Evil Ed and Jerry staring after him as he strides toward the entrance to the club. 94E INT. CLUB RADIO - NIGHT Charley stands' at the phone, Amy beside him, watching anxiously as he listens to the phone ring on the' other end. CHARLEY C'mon; Mr, Vincent, answer, please, answer. Unseen by either of them, Jerry Dandrige sweeps through the front door of the club, moving like a god among mere mor- tals, his eyes, now glowing a faint red, sweeping the crowd of dancers as he moves toward the dance floor. 95 INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Peter sits in the dark, clutching a cross, trying not to shake as he watches the-RINGING PHONE, too terrified to an- swer. It keeps on RINGING. CUT BACK TO: 96 INT. CLUB RADIO - HALLWAY - NIGHT Charley turns his back to the dance floor and Amy, shield- ing the phone with his body to cut down on some of the din, swearing to himself as he does so. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 71. 96 CONTINUED: CHARLEY Answer me, damnit, answer me -- Behind him Amy stiffens, staring out onto the dance floor at the sea of people. Moving through the dancers like a golden god moving amid mere mortals walks Jerry Dandrige. The hot, colored lights of the dance floor highlight his hair, accentuating his gracefulness, making him seem even more beautiful than he is. He stops just at the edge of the floor and holds his hand out to Amy, the orgiastic dancing swirling on behind him, the pounding, SENSUAL BEAT OF THE FUNK ROCK washing over them both. His eyes burn into hers, willing her to come to him. Terrified, she turns back toward Charley. In that moment Jerry disappears from the mouth of the hallway, Amy turn- ing back just as she's about to grab Charley only to see he's gone. She stops, more intrigued than frightened, the image of that beautiful man holding out his hand to her sharp in her mind. She takes a step forward down the hall, continuing down the hall until she has a clear view of the dancers. Jerry's nowhere to be seen. Behind her., . Charley is just about to turn and glance. in her direction when a voice answers on the other end of the line. PETER (V.0.) Yes. Charley cups one hand over his ear, bending dawn to hear better. Behind hint Amy slowly disappears down the hall- way and onto the dance floor. CHARLEY Mr. Vincent, this is Charley Brewster. You gotta help us. Jerry Dandrige has me and Amy trapped in this club -- CUT BACK TO: 97 INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Peter moves to the window, the phone in his hand. He slowly pulls back the curtain, peering down at the street below. PETER I'm sorry, Charley. I-can't do that. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 72. 97 CONTINUED: CHARLEY (V.0.) (INCREASINGLY DESPERATE) But you have to come, Mr. Vincent. You're the only one who knows what's going on. PETER You have to understand, Charley. Ed's one of them now. He just tried to kill me. If I try to go out he'll kill me for sure. CUT BACK TO: I 98 INT. CLUB RADIO - HALLWAY .- NIGHT I Charley is screaming into the phone, almost in tears. CHARLEY If you don'"t, Dandrige'll kill us! He's so into what he's saying on the phone, he doesn't even realize Amy's gone. CUT BACK TO: 99 INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT PETER (TORTURED) I'm sorry, Charley, I just can't! He hangs up the phone, flattening himself back against the wall, terrified. CUT BACK TO: 100. INT. CLUB RADIO - HALLWAY - NIGHT Charley slams the phone down, turning to Amy. CHARLEY God damn him. He-won't help us -- -Only Amy is gone, the hallway empty. Charley rushes toward the dance floor. 101 INT. CLUB RADIO - DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT Charley emerges from the hall, looking about in the crush of people for Amy. Nothing; it's as if she's disappeared into thin air. He plunges out into the crowd. (CONTINUED) A gr Rev. 11/26/84 73. 101 CONTINUED: In another part of the bar area Charley moves among the people, desperately searching for Amy. He passes the drunken teenagers, ignoring them as he suddenly bumps into a table, a man yelling up at hiXi angrily. CORE USER Hey, watch out,.asshole! Charley glances down to see the table of users grouped around their mirror of white powder. He moves quickly away, searching for Amy. He stops by the wall of poseurs cruising everything that walks by, asking a girl that looks from behind as though she must be Amy's age. CHARLEY Pardon me, have you seen a girl, LIGHT-HAIRED -- (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 74. 101 CONTINUED: (2) The girl turns to him,. revealing herself as a woman well into her mid-forties, decked out like a teenager, Sylvia Miles ten years ago, staring at him hungrily. OLDER WOMAN Forget her, take me instead She reaches out to kiss Charley and he flees the crowd of flesh.watchers laughing at him as he goes. He moves along a wall of LESBIANS, stopping one, his des- peration growing. CHARLEY I'm looking for a girl -- LESBIAN So am I. Before Charley can recover a woman moves into her arms, Charley, shocked and disconcerted, backing away until he bumps to a halt against a heavy metal biker, the kind of guy who's into Twisted Sister. The parody of biker throws him to the floor for the insult, his friends, walking par- odies of bikers, laughing at Charley as he leaps to his feet and backs away into the crowd. He breaks free of the packed humanity, stopping on the stairs. It is at that moment that he catches a glimpse of Amy on the dance floor, dancing with Jerry. He hurries down the stairs and onto the floor. On the dance floor, Amy moves.with Jerry, their bodies locked together, slowly falling. into his eyes, dancing slower and slower with him until finally she has no will left of her own. She is "in love" with him. It is at that moment that she bends her head forward, laying it on his shoulder, exposing her neck to him, her eyes staring at the wall as they revolve around and around, Jerry bending down to kiss her neck, his mouth slowly opening. It is at that moment Amy sees her reflection in the mirrors mounted against one wall;.she is dancing alone. Shocked back to her senses, she goes rigid in Jerry's arms, trying to pull away from him, screaming as the music and the dancers stop. 'AMY Charley! Across the dance floor, Charley hears her SCREAM and pushes his way through the sea of humanity, fighting his way to her side where she stands with Jerry, once again caught in his eyes, slowly losing her will. Charley grabs Jerry by the shoulder, trying to pull him away from Amy. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 74A. 101 CONTINUED: (2A) CHARLEY Let her go! Jerry looks down at him, smiling, mocking him as Amy sways in his arms, her eyes locked on. his face. JERRY What's wrong, Charley? Jealous? He grinds his pelvis against.Amy, dry humping her in front of Charley. She throws her head back, her mouth opening in .something close to ecstasy, her eyes glazed, staring up at him with adoration, giving herself to him as she cocks her head to one side, exposing her tender young throat. Charley goes crazy. CHARLEY You filthy son-of-a-bitch -- ! He swings at him only to have Jerry release Amy, catching Charley's fist in the palm of his hand easily. Be stares down at the boy, smiling cruelly. .JERRY You shouldn't lose your temper, Charley. It isn't polite. He tightens his grip, slowly squeezing Charley's fist. You can almost hear the knuckle bones grinding as Charley's face'contorts in agony, driving him to his knees before Jerry. Charley looks up at him, tears of pain streaming down his face. CHARLEY (gasping with pain) You can't kill me here -- JERRY I don't want to kill you, Charley. I -want you to bring Peter Vincent to my house, just the two of you. That is if you ever want to see Amy again. He casually releases Charley, letting the boy drop to the floor as he disappears with Amy into the swirling mass of dancers. Charley leaps to his feet, ignoring the pain in his hand and plunges after them. Charley breaks free of the swirl near the bar, looking everywhere and not seeing either of them. Suddenly he's grabbed by a strong, pair of arms. He looks up to find himself staring into the face of a huge, black BOUNCER. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 748. 101 CONTINUED: (28) CHARLEY (DESPERATELY) Let me go -- The man ignores him, calling back over his shoulder. BOUNCER' Hey, Donny, this the one? Another huge bouncer, the one the cook talked to when Charley and Amy sneaked into the club, steps out of the whirl staring down at the boy. DONNY Yeah, its him. (TO CHARLEY) Where's your girlfriend? Charley suddenly sees Jerry and Amy breaking through the throng, heading for the entrance. He points to them wildly. CHARLEY That's her, over there with that older GUYF DONNY C' mon .-- He cuts across the floor on a diagonal to intercept Jerry and Amy, the black bouncer dragging Charley after him in a steel 'grip. Jerry finally reaches the throng near the front door, starting to move through it with Amy when sud- denly the two bouncers and Charley block his way. Donny jerks Amy out of Jerry's hand, passing her to the black bouncer, nodding at her and Charley. (CONTINUED) 75. 101 CONTINUED: (3) DONNY Get the two of them out of here. Jerry steps toward Amy, his face beginning to darken with rage, the MUSIC pulsating around them, people swirling by on all sides. JERRY She's mine -- Donny puts out his hand, stopping Jerry as the black bouncer drag's Charley and Amy toward the front door. DONNY You want chicken, man, you. go to some other club. Jerry snarls, his eyes beginning to glow, his hair slicking back slightly, the hint of fangs beginning to protrude over his upper lip as rage overtakes him. He raises his right hand, holding it out in.front of. the bouncer's face so the man can clearly see what is happening. The nails on the four fingers pop out, literally elongating several inches in front of the man's eyes, growing into razor sharp claws that sparkle in the overhead lights. The bouncer, terrified, screams for his'companion. 'DONNY Hey, Leon, get back here! Toward the entrance to' the club, Leon releases Charley and Amy, hustling back toward his buddy. Charley grabs Amy,' pulling her toward the door. CHARLEY C'mon, quick -- But it's. too late already. Donny screams as the talons whistle through the air, tearing his throat out in one swipe, scattering blood everywhere, blinding several of the dancers swirling.by, hitting people drinking at the bar, a couple necking in a corner, blood flying everywhere. Jerry steps around the corpse as it topples backward over a table of coke users, the bouncer's dead eyes staring up at them. Leon dashes up, - lunging for Jerry. The vampire's hand snaps out, grabbing`him by the throat, squeezing, driving those claws deep into the man's neck, holding him like a chicken, enjoying a second of his death throes and then casually flinging him into the center of the floor, bringing the music and all the dancing to a shrieking halt as this new group of people stare at another dead body. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 76. 101 CONTINUED: ( 4) Pandemonium erupts throughout the club, people screaming and rushing for the exit, the fear contagious, all of them streaming toward the bottleneck of a hallway leading to the front door, turning it into a battleground of panicked, terrified people, clawing and screaming to get out of the club. - Close to the front door, Charley and Amy fight their way through the madness, trying to gain the outside and freedom as behind them a wave of panicked humanity sweeps toward them. CHARLEY Hold on to me -- Suddenly Jerry steps out in front of them and sweeps Amy away from. him, the crowd flowing around Charley and carry- ing him off in the opposite direction as he fights and screams to get back to her. CHARLEY AMYL But the sea of humanity is too much for him; it pushes him ,first away from and then toward the front door, leaving him no choice but to go with it or be trampled. 102 EXT. CLUB RADIO - NIGHT Charley bursts through the entrance of the club just in time to see the black Jeep ROARING away down the street, Evil Ed peering out the back window, grinning wi.ldly at him, mocking him with his full set of fangs. CUT TO: 103 OMITTED THRU 121 122 INT. PETER VINCENT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Peter is hurriedly packing, shoving the bare necessities into his suitcase, preparing to abandon his mementos of a lifetime in his rush to get out of town while he's still alive. There's a KNOCK at the door. Be looks up, terrified. PETER Who is it? CHARLEY (O.S.) Charley Brewster. Let me in. bl Rev. 10/9/84 77. 123 EXT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT 123 The door cracks open an inch, a chain across the latch. Peter peers out at him. PETER Are you one of them, too? CHARLEY What are you talking about? Peter thrusts his cross out through the crack.' PETER Here, grab this. Charley does as told. Peter peers at his hand. No smoke. He hurriedly slips the chain from the door and pulls the boy inside. 124 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Peter relatches the door and hurries back to his packing. Charley watches him. CHARLEY What are you, doing? PETER Leaving. CHARLEY You can't. PETER Wanna bet? Watch me. Peter closes the suitcase, hurrying for the door. Charley steps in front of him, blocking his path. CHARLEY Dandrige has Amy. He says he'll kill her unless we come to his house. Peter stops, staring at Charley, stunned. The blood drains from his face. PETER Oh, my God. (SUDDENLY REACHING for the phone) The police, I'll call the police -- CHARLEY (grabbing the phone away from him) No, they won't believe you. I've tried. (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 78. 124 CONTINUED: 'Peter collapses in a chair, staring blindly ahead. CHARLEY (QUIETLY) Peter, it's just us. Were going to have to save Amy. PETER I can't. I was paid to be there today. CHARLEY I know. PETER And you still want me to help you? CHARLEY Yes. You're Peter Vincent, the Great Vampire Killer. PETER (looking up at him, FURIOUS) That's a character in a movie, .Charley. That's not even my real name! (repressing a sob) And I'm terrified, I'm sorry, but I am. CHARLEY I can't do it alone, Peter. If you don't help, Amy's going to die. And me, too, probably. r (nothing f om Peter) Please, Peter. PETER I'm sorry, Charley. CHARLEY (quietly, of ter a MOMENT) Yeah, me, too. He walks to the door, slipping quietly out of the apart- ment, leaving Peter staring miserable at the floor. DISSOLVE TO: 125 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT Amy slowly regains consciousness, opening her eyes to find herself laying on the floor, Jerry Dandrige looming over her. She cowers back, looking about the bedroom. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 79. 125 CONTINUED: AMY Where am I? JERRY Where you wanted to be. In bedroom. He reaches out a hand to her; she cowers back. AMY Liar. Where's Charley? JERRY You don't really care. He hits play on the TAPE DECK. FUNK ROCK, hot and driving, snakes out of the speakers. He turns back to her, holding out his hand. She looks away, then glances up only to find herself trapped in his gaze. He starts.to weave his way across the floor toward her,. every move a suggestion, an invitation, all of it somehow hypnotic. She stares at him, fighting to break free. Finally she manages to turn her head away, staring at the floor, screaming at him. AMY Liarl I love him... It doesn't faze him; he just keeps moving to the beat, slowly, oh, so slowly, coming closer and closer to where she sits on the floor, his voice stroking her as he comes. JERRY Am I lying, Amy? He stops above her, leaning down, his voice a husky, post- coital whisper. JERRY Am I? And she's gone, his eyes drawing her in and swallowing her up, drowning her in their faint red glow. He holds out his hand to her. She slowly takes it and-he raises her up into his arms, moving in place to the MUSIC with her, smiling down as she stares up at him blindly. He gently pushes her head down on his shoulder, exposing her tender young neck. And then he slowly bends down, his mouth opening to expose those two, razor sharp fangs with their alabaster cast, slowly, delicately sliding them beneath her skin. (CONTINUED) bf Rev. 11/28/84 80. 125 CONTINUED: (2) Her body arches, both arms pressing him to her, her body clinging to his. And then she screams, bucking under him like she's having something like a sexual climax, only better, much better. And just underneath her scream.is this horrid, greedy, SUCKING NOISE, Jerry Dandrige, feeding. CUT TO: 125A EXT. SIDE YARD OF A HOUSE - NIGHT Charley walks through the darkness, with cross and stake held in his hands, slowly approaching the Dandrige house through a side yard across the street. The shadows loom up over him, the wind causing the TREE BRANCHES to RUSTLE, Charley growing more and more nervous with every passing second. 126 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT -Charley steps out of the darkness of the trees across the street from the Dandrige house, stopping to stare at it. The huge, silent, dark.house no longer looks like every other house on the block. It seems to have assumed a life of its own and turned into a hulking, brooding monster, about to leap forward and pounce on him. Charley grips his stake and hammer, checks the cross stuck in his jacket pocket, takes'a deep breath, squares his shoulders, and starts the slow walk toward the Dandrige house. Through the trees-he moves, into the shadows and darkness, across the street, closer and closer,to that hulking,, evil house. Suddenly a'hand snaps out of the darkness, grabbing him by the shoulder. CHARLEY (TERRIFIED) What? : "PETER (O . S . ) Peter Vincent, ready to do battle with the undead. Charley whirls to find himself staring into Peter Vincent's drawn face. He wears his Victorian suit, his whole demeanor that of his public persona, the vampire killer. (CONTINUED) bf Rev. 11/28/84 80A. 126 CONTINUED: CEARLEY (GULPING) Peter, this is serious PETER (pulling himself up to his full height) I am serious. Ee drops to his knees, pulling an assortment of his movie props out of his leather bag. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 81. 126 CONTINUED: PETER T Let's see, stakes, hammer, crosses, FLASHLIGHT -- CHARLEY. What about Billy Cole? What's going to stop him? Peter rises, holding up a pistol. PETER This. From Orgy of the Damned. CHARLEY What if he's not human? Bullets aren't going to stop him then. PETER He walks around during the day, doesn't he? (CHARLEY NODS) Then he's human. (turning toward the HOUSE) Let's go. The two of them cross the street, heading toward the house which now seems to be staring at them, about to charge them. Charley glances at Peter. CHARLEY PETER -- PETER (cutting him off) Not now. But Peter isn't really paying attention to Charley. His eyes are on that malevolent looking house, the house looming larger and larger above him as they get closer and closer. Peter begins to slow, his nerve draining away as the true- evilness of the. place begins to eat at him. He finally comes to a halt, staring at the house. Charley stops, looking. back. CHARLEY What's wrong? PETER (quickly). Nothing, nothing at all. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 82. 126 CONTINUED: (2) He joins Charley, the two of them slowly walking toward the house again, Peter becoming more and more nervous the closer they get. Charley takes a step for the front door. Peter grabs him. PETER Are you crazy? Not through the front door. Let's go around to the back and sneak in The front door slowly swings open on creaking hinges, seemingly of its own accord. Peter and Charley turn to look at it, a dark gaping hole like an open mouth, ready to swallow them. CHARLEY Too late. Be starts moving up the porch toward the door. Peter moves with him, his gaze fixed on that gaping mouth of an open doorway, mumbling to himself as he goes. PETER I'm Peter Vincent, the great vampire killer. I'm -- They disappear into the house, Jerry Dandrige suddenly .stepping INTO FRAME, staring after them. 127 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT Charley and Peter stop and stare around in the darkness. Nothing moves, not even a shadow. Charley nods up the stairs. CHARLEY This way. They start up the stairway. 127A EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT Outside the house, the SUBJECTIVE CAMERA watches them, craning past the front..windows onto the side of the house,. watching Charley and Peter through the windows as they mount the stairs, the CAMERA SLOWLY heading up the side of the house. 127B INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM,- NIGHT Jerry appears outside his bedroom window, floating there. t He leans forward, opening the window, about to climb in. 8 2A. pk Rev. ll/I6/84 127C IT. HOUSE.- STAIRWAY - NIGHT { _ ï¿½? P eter suddenly grabs Charley, freezing as he hears that second story bedroom window opening. -PETER Did you just hear something? CHARLEY' (pausing and listening) No. They start up the stairway. Peter grabs Charley again, digging his fingers into the boy's arms, listening hard. PETER Let's wait until dawn. He'll be in his coffin then. We'll have a better chance of getting Amy. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 83. 127C CONTINUED: CHARLEY Amy'll be dead by then, too. Now COME ON He turns to start up the stairs- only to have a voice come out of the darkness on the landing above. JERRY (o.s.) (he steps forward into the light, looking ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS) Welcome to Fright Night. For Real._ Peter almost turns tail and runs right there. Charley grabs him, holding him in place on the staircase, staring up at the vampire looming above them. CHARLEY Where's Amy? JERRY (SMILING) Up here. All you have to do is get BY ME He starts. down the steps. Peter whips out one of the crosses, thrusting it at the vampire. PETER (in his vampire killer VOICE) Back, spawn of Satan. JERRY Oh, really? He reaches out, takes the cross. from Peter's hand and crumples it, contemptuously tossing. it aside. Be turns back to Peter. JERRY You have to have faith in order for it to work on me, Mr. Vincent. He starts down the stairs again, Peter backing away, terrified, his nerve completely gone now. Charley steps forward, staring up at Dandrige defiantly. He whips out his cross, thrusting it at the vampire. CHARLEY Stop! Jerry stops, staring at the cross. Charley starts up the stairs toward him, the cross held in front of him. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 - 84. 127C CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY BACK -- Jerry backs up the stairs, away from the cross, disappearing into the darkness at the top of the landing. Charley glances back at Peter triumphantly. CHARLEY We're gonna make.it -- Billy Cole suddenly steps out of the darkness in front of him, rips the cross from the boy's hand and viciously backhands him across the face. With a scream, Charley smashes through the. stairway railing, plunging to the hallway floor below. He lands with a solid thud, lying there, groaning. Jerry steps in front of Billy, staring down at Peter on the stairway, smiling at him. Then he slowly starts down the stairs toward Peter. With a scream, the actor whirls, racing down the steps and out the front door. 128 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT Peter smashes through the front door, yelling up the stairway. PETER Mrs. Brewster! No answer. He grabs the phone from the table and punches out a number, speaking hurriedly into it. PETER Hello, operator, get me the police. Operator? No response, not even a dial tone. He holds the phone up only to see the cord has been ripped from the wall. His eyes widen in horror, his gaze snapping back up the stairs. PETER (Cont.) Mrs. Brewster -- He plunges up the stairs. 129 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT He bursts through the door to see Judy in bed, the back of her head to him, her blond hair lying across the pillow. He hurries across the room. toward her, relief sweeping his features. (CONTINUED) A yl Rev. 11/23/84 85.. 129 CONTINUED: PETER Mrs. Brewster, thank God. All the phones have been ripped from the WALLS -- Be reaches out, turning her over on the bed to face him... only it isn't Judy; it's Evil Ed, wearing one of her wigs. EVIL ED I know. I did it. He grins up at Peter as he.-slowly rises, the wig slipping from his head, his features already transformed subtly into those of a vampire, the hair slicked back on his head, his face elongated, two huge white fangs slashing over his lower lip. Peter staggers back, staring at him in horror. PETER Where's Charley's mother? EVIL ED She's working nights apparently. She left - a note for Charley. (holding out the crumpled note as he takes a step FOR PETER) His dinner's in the oven. With a scream, Peter whirls and plunges out of the room. 130 INT. HALL WAY - NIGHT Peter races down the hallway only to bit a table in the dark, crashing to the floor on the landing, the.table splintering beneath him. He sits up, groaning, holding his leg. He suddenly hears a GROWLING, low and deep and vicious, coming from the other end of the hallway. He looks up, .staring into the darkness. Suddenly, a HUGE WOLF, as ugly as Evil Ed, tears out of the master bedroom, skidding to a halt, staring back at Peter. It's eyes glow like red-hot coals in the dark, saliva drip- ping from its huge fangs. Peter scrambles to his feet, about to plunge down the stairs when with a terrible SNARL, the huge animal bounds down the hall toward him. With a scream, Peter picks up a splintered leg of the table just as the wolf launches itself into the air toward his jugular vein. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 86. 130 CONTINUED: He slams the jagged piece of wood into the animal's chest as it flies past, its snapping jaws missing his throat by an inch, the wolf hits the landing railing and plows through it, almost in slow motion, plunging over the side. 131 INT. PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT- The wolf tumbles through the air in a blur of fur and fangs, down and down until suddenly Evil Ed smashes into the hardwood floor below with a terrible THUD. He lays there, the long wooden splinter buried in his heart. Peter hurries down the stairs, stopping above him and staring down, watching in fascinated horror as humanity leaks back into his eyes, his face transforming into that of a normal teenage boy as he dies. He looks up at Peter with suddenly soft, brown eyes. EVIL ED I'M SORRY He dies, Peter staring down at him, sorrow struck by the waste and horridness of it all.. 132 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - JERRY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jerry comes through theï¿½door with Charley over his shoulder and dumps him on the floor a few feet from where Amy lies, curled up in a fetal ball. He nods at. Amy as Charley slowly opens his eyes, regaining his senses. JERRY You wanted her, there she is. Charley glances to his side, sees Amy lying there, and crawls to her. He gently turns her toward'him. CHARLEY AMY -- His words die on his lips. Amy's eyes are clenched shut, her face drenched with sweat, her entire body trembling. Jerry .watches his horrified reaction, smiling. JERRY You see, you gave me so much trouble, I thought you deserved a special punishment. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 87. 132 CONTINUED: CHARLEY (staring up at him WILDLY) What have you done to her? JERRY ' Nothing much. I just bit her a little bit, that's all. Jerry just stares-at him silently, leaving no room for the boy to disbelieve him. Charley suddenly leaps for him, furious with rage. CHARLEY You bastard! .Jerry casually knocks him aside, flinging him through the air against the far wall with his incredible strength. Charley crumples to the floor, stunned. Jerry walks over to him and drops a wooden stake at his feet. JERRY Here. (Charley stares at IT DUMBLY) You're going to need it just before dawn. - - With a bow he lets himself out of the room, closing the door behind him. The key can be heard turning in the lack. Charley stares around for a moment, gathering his senses. He sees the window has been boarded up with plank after plank and nail after nail. It would be impossible for him to rip it apart, just as it would be impossible for anyone to-hear him through.it were he to scream. He crawls to Amy, gently turning her over only to see that she has already begun to change, her upper lip slipping back as he stares at her, revealing lengthening bicuspids, the beginnings of fangs. Her eyes are black, like bottom- less pits. He raises his head and screams, his voice filled with anguish and despair. CHARLEY No! 133 EXT. STAIRWAY - NIGHT Dandrige pauses halfway down the stairs, listening to the agony in Charley's voice as the scream dies away. He smiles, then continues to walk down the stairs. 134 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT Peter faces the brooding, terrible house, his stake and hammer in either hand, his face set hard with deter- mination. Throwing his shoulders back, he begins to walk slowly toward the front door. bl Rev. 10/9/84 88. 135 INT. PORTICO - HALL - STAIRS - NIGHT He slips through the front door, pausing to look down the hall. The basement door is open, the sounds of Jerry and Billy working down there faintly heard. He hurries up the stairs. 136 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT He works his way from door to door till he finds the locked one. He r aps on it lightly, whispering through a crack in the frame. PETER Charley. 137 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley hears the whisper and springs to his feet, hurrying to the door. CHARLEY (in a whisper) Peter? PETER (o.s.) I'm going to have to break the door down. Make as much noise as you can. Charley turns to the wall, beating on it and yelling for all he's worth. CHARLEY Help, let me out! 138 INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT Jerry and Billy are preparing a spare coffin for Amy, dumping dirt into it from the bottom of the huge, ornate coffin Charley saw them carrying into the house on that first night so long- ago. They pause in their work as they hear Charley's SCREAM DYING AWAY. Jerry smiles at Billy. JERRY I think she just opened her eyes. 139 INT. ROOM - NIGHT -Peter hits the door from the outside, snapping the lock, letting himself in and closing it as quietly as he can behind them. He looks around, spotting Amy lying in the corner. PETER Quick, grab her and let's get out of HERE - (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/25/84' 89. 139 CONTINUED: CHARLEY We can't. Look. He falls to his knees beside Amy and rolls her over for Peter to see. She is still covered with sweat and trembling even more violently now. Her upper lip slips back revealing lengthening fangs, just the beginning of I red in the iris. Peter's eyes widen in horror. I 140 INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT Jerry pauses in his labor to stare up at the ceiling in the direction of the bedroom two floors above, his ear cocked. .Billy looks at him. BILLY Something wrong? ' JERRY Yes. We have a visitor. He puts down his shovel, heading for the stairs, Billy following him. 141 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley glances up from Amy's trembling body to look at Peter. CHARLEY Is it too late to save her? PETER Not if we kill Dandrige before dawn.' 141A EXT. SIDE OF DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT SUBJECTIVE CAMERA CRANES UP'off a basement window, up the side of the house past the living room window and up and up, the VOICES in Jerry's bedroom getting LOUDER and LOUDER as Jerry approaches. CHARLEY Are you sure? PETER So far everything's just like in the movies. We'll just have to keep on hoping. And the CAMERA STOPS outside the bedroom window, watch- ing as Charley grabs the stake Dandrige dropped on the floor, and heads for. the door. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 89A, 141A CONTINUED: CHARLEY Let's go -- He and Peter hurry out the door, the CAMERA WATCHING them go. 142 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - STAIRWAY - NIGHT I They come out of the bedroom and start. down the steps only to find themselves facing Billy Cole coming up the other way. They freeze. as Billy stops, a slow smile sliding across his grim features. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 90. 142 CONTINUED: BILLY Well, what do we have here? He starts up the steps. Peter :pulls a pistol, one of the props from his apartment, from-his pocket. PETER Stop or I'll shoot. Billy stops, still smiling at him,. their eyes locked for what seems like an eternity. Then Billy starts up the stairs toward him again. Peter points the gun at Billy with trembling hands. PETER I mean it. Don't force me to SHOOT -- Billy reaches out his huge hands for Peter's throat. Peter FIRES, the bullet punching a neat hole through Billy's forehead. The large man freezes, his eyes rolling back in his skull. Be stands there for a moment and then tumbles backward down the stairs, landing with a CRASH at the bottom. Suddenly there is the SOUND OF APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS on the balcony above. Peter and Charley whirl, staring up at the landing above them. A second later Jerry Dandrige steps out of the shadows. With a smile he starts down the stairs toward them. Charley steps forward, thrusting his cross up at Dandrige. CHARLEY. STOPS Dandrige freezes, his face darkening with fury. Charley starts up the steps, Peter close behind him. CHARLEY Come on, we have him -- Dandrige's gaze snaps past Charley's shoulder, down into the shadows at the bottom of the stairs where Billy's body lies, his eyes glowing as they burn into the corpse for a moment before shifting back to Charley and Peter. He smiles at the boy. JERRY Do you? He steps back into Amy's room, disappearing from sight. Peter looks at Charley. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 91. 142 CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY What did he mean? PETER Nothing. He's just bluffing. Charley continues up the stairs-slowly, the cross held out in front of him, Peter hugging his back. Behind them, down at the foot of the stairs,,Billy slowly sits up. Peter and Charley continue climbing, their gazes fixed ahead. Behind them Billy stands and starts to walk up the stairs toward them, the first STEP he hits GROANING under his heavy weight. Charley and Peter freeze, turning to look back. They see the huge man coming up the stairs toward them, a thin trail of blood leaking from the bullet hole in his forehead. Peter whips his pistol out with trembling hands and UNLOADS THE ENTIRE REVOLVER into the man, casting a pale of gunsmoke in front of him and Charley, obscuring their view of the stairway below. Suddenly Billy Cole appears through the thick cloud, back- ing them up the stairs. Peter stumbles, falling backward, .unable to rise in time. Billy leans down, grabbing him and jerking him into the air like a ragdoll.,. about to fling him over the ballustrade to the floor far below. Charley suddenly leaps forward, slamming his stake into the creature's heart. CHARLEY No! Billy Cole freezes, his eyes widening. Be drops Peter crashing to the steps and staggers back, grabbing the rail for support, hanging there below Peter and Charley for what seems an eternity, the stake protruding from his heart.. As the two watch in horror, Cole's face slowly begins to dissolve, skin putrefying and slipping away, revealing the grinning skull beneath, the process of dissolution acceler- ating as the seconds tick past. Suddenly the legs turn to bone and.what remains of the body, no more than a skeleton in clothes now, tumbles backward down the stairs with a clatter, to land with a crash on the floor below, bones rolling in-every direction across the portico. They stare down the stairs at his remains. CHARLEY (in a hoarse whisper) Be wasn't human. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 92. 142 CONTINUED: (3) PETER No, he, certainly wasn't. Peter scrambles to his feet, he'and Charley backing hurriedly up the stairs, terrified by what they've seen. i 143 INT. AMY'S ROOM - NIGHT They rush into Amy's room, Peter stopping to stare at the open window, left that way by Dandrige when he entered and left. Charley ignores it, hurrying to Amy, and kneeling by her side. He gently turns her over to expose lengthening bicuspids as Peter sticks his head out the window. Her irises are now more red than before, signaling the trans- ition she is making from the living to the walking dead. 143A EXT. JERRY'S WINDOW - SIDE OF THE HOUSE - NIGHT Peter glances down, searching for Jerry as above him, clinging flat to the wall like a fly, is Jerry. The vam- pire smiles, slowly drawing back his clawed hand to tear Peter's throat out when the man cranes his neck to look over his shoulder. He is just about to when Charley calls to him from the room within. CHARLEY Peter! Peter ducks in just as Jerry's about to strike. 143B INT. JERRY'S ROOM - NIGHT Charley looks up from Amy's-unconscious body at Peter. CHARLEY She's worse. C'mon, we're running out of time -- The two men rush out of the room. 143C EXT. JERRY'S WINDOW - SIDE OF HOUSE - NIGHT The SUBJECTIVE CAMERA does a 180 degree turn, staring in through the window out the open door onto the balcony. Jerry.sees Peter and Charley standing out there, hears their voices. CHARLEY Where is he? The CAMERA BEGINS TO DRIFT up the side of the house toward the attic window above. Rev. 11/26/84 9 2A. 144 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT Charley and Peter there, staring about. Suddenly they hear FOOTSTEPS on the floor above. They stare up at the ceiling. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 93. 144 CONTINUED: PETER He's in the attic. They rush to the attic door, the two men disappearing up the dark stairs. 145 INT. ATTIC - NIGHT They come up the staircase to find themselves enclosed in darkness. Peter pulls out a flashlight and flicks it on, shining it about the musty, filthy room. He pauses as rats scatter beneath the unexpected blaze. He continues to search with the flashlight, picking out the remains of a--ruined window at the far end, the glass shat- tered, the window itself flung wide open. CHARLEY Well, he was here -- The beam moves on, only to suddenly stop on a large chest shoved in a corner. PETER There, his-coffin. Both of them approach, staring down at the long chest. Peter hands the flashlight to Charley, pulling a stake from his pocket, a hammer from his belt. He raises the stake in the air, the hammer ready. He nods at the coffin. PETER Open i t. Charley throws his shoulder against the lid, heaving. The lid opens with a GROAN, Peter about to stab down only to find it empty. CHARLEY (almost in despair) God' damn him. Where is he? 145A EXT. ATTIC WINDOW - SIDE OF HOUSE - NIGHT The SUBJECTIVE CAMERA STARES in at them, then SLOWLY BE- GINS TO DRIFT up the side of the house toward the roof above. 145B EXT. ROOF - NIGHT The CAMERA GOES UP onto the roof and down around the chimney to discover Jerry sitting there as though he's just alighted. A gr Rev. 11/26/84 94. 145C INT. ATTIC - NIGHT Charley and Peter stare up at the beams overhead as dust trickles down, the THUD of Jerry landing above them on the roof still loud in their ears. PETER Well, now we know where he is. CHARLEY Yeah, but what's he doing up there? 146 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - ROOF - NIGHT Jerry sits on the roof, squatting there like some huge nocturnal bird of prey, his eyes closed, his lips moving in a whisper. 147 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Amy lies on the floor, hardly moving now. Suddenly she groans and rolls over, throwing a hand over her face as though trying to ward off some particularly terrible night- mare. .148 EXT. ROOF - NIGHT Dandrige's face darkens even more in concentration. JERRY Amy, awake, I command you to awake! 149 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Amy's eyes slowly open. There's not a vestige of human life in them. She blinks and her eyes go completely red, glowing in the dark. Dandrige's voice fills her. mind like distant thunder. JERRY'S VOICE Now show me how much you love me, Amy, kill them both! She rises and moves like a zombie messenger of death toward the door to the hallway and the attic above. 149A INT. ATTIC - NIGHT Charley and Peter are still staring up at the attic ceil- ing above, the waiting becoming unendurable for Charley. CHARLEY I'm going up there. He heads for the open window at the far end of the attic nearest the stairs. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 95. 149A CONTINUED: PETER CHARLEY -- He-takes a step after the boy, but he's too late. Charley is already out the window. 149B EXT. ROOF - NIGHT Charley climbs onto the roof, a cross in his hand, a stake in the other. The roof looks deserted, but hidden behind the chimney stands Jerry, waiting for the boy. Unaware of the danger., Charley reaches the chimney and stealthily be- gins to circle it, sensing danger, the cross and stake in hand. He suddenly reaches the side where last we saw Jerry only to find no one there. He stands there puzzled, looking about. PETER (0.3 . ) (calling up from the attic below) Do you see him? CHARLEY (SHOUTING BACK) No. 150 INT.'ATTIC 'MIGHT Peter stands alone at the far end next to the coffin, ner- vously talking.to himself. PETER Where the hell is he? And in the window directly behind his back, Jerry rises up out of the dark, no more than a few feet away, only 'a thin pane of glass separating Peter from his clawed hand. He raises it to strike through the glass at Peter just as .Charley slides in the open window at the far end from the roof and sees Jerry in the window behind Peter.. He screams out. CHARLEY Peter, behind you! Peter whirls, holding up his cross and as quickly as he appeared from the night, Jerry slips back into it, leaving Peter staring at the window, terrified at the close call as Charley reaches his' side. CHARLEY You okay? (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 96. 150 CONTINUED: Peter nods numbly as a huge shadow rises up along the staircase wall at the far end of the attic behind them, a shadow that suggests Jerry is coming up the stairs from the floor below toward them. A STAIR CREAKS behind them and Charley and Peter whirl to see Amy step out of the stairwell. She looks incred- ibly beautiful as though somehow her moment with Dandrige has transformed her from virginal girl to a full grown woman, dripping with sensuality. Charley steps forward, about to rush into her arms. CHARLEY AMY -- PETER (GRABBING HIM) No! Charley looks at Amy as she clears the steps and turns to- ward them. Peter shines his flashlight into her face. The eyes glow red, the face lifeless, fangs, larger now than before, protruding.from her upper lip. CHARLEY Oh, my God -- Suddenly they hear Dandrige cruelly laughing at them from the floor below, laughing like this is the best joke he's ever heard.. CHARLEY He's downstairs now -- Amy suddenly launches herself at Charley, seizing.him by the throat and throwing him to the floor, landing on top of him. He grabs her by the shoulders, holding her back as she tries to plunge her fangs into his neck. Peter steps up behind her, a stake raised in his hands, about to plunge it into her back. Charley screams up at him. CHARLEY No! Peter shifts his grip on the stake, holding it like a club, and brings it slamming down on her back. She collapses un- conscious on top of Charley. He shoves her off, climbing to his feet, and turning toward the staircase to the floor below. CHARLEY Come on -- (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 97. 15'0 CONTINUED: (2) The two men plunge down the stairs. A second later, Amy rolls over, her eyes snapping open, perfectly conscious again. She slowly rises. 151 INT. SECOND-FLOOR LANDING - PORTICO - STAIRS - NIGHT The two men come out of the stairway, Peter turning back to lock the attic door behind him. Charley starts for Jerry's room. Peter grabs him. PETER You take downstairs, I'll take up HERE -- Charley plunges down the stairs to the portico below as Peter disappears into the bedroom, searching for Dandrige. 151A EXT. HOUSE - JERRY'S BEDROOM WINDOW - NIGHT The SUBJECTIVE CAMERA WATCHES as Charley heads down the stairs, Peter turning for Jerry's room, the CAMERA CRANING OFF the window and DOWN around the side of the house, PICKING UP Charley up through the front windows as the boy disappears down the first floor hall in search of Jerry, Jerry watching him the entire time from outside the front of the house. 151E INT..HOUSE - PORTICO - NIGHT The front door slowly begins to open, that strange killing hand of Jerry holding the doorknob, all that's seen of him as he obviously prepares to slip inside. 151C INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Peter freezes as he hears the front DOOR CREAK and turns, racing out the bedroom door onto the balcony. 151D INT. SECOND-FLOOR BALCONY - NIGHT_ Peter comes to a halt at the top of the stairs, peering down at the portico below. No Charley. He calls out, panic struck. PETER Charley! Charley comes running down the hall, stopping at the bottom of the stairs, staring up at Peter.. CHARLEY What is it? PETER (sighing in relief) I thought I heard something. IS Rev. 11/26/84 98. 151E EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - NIGHT The SUBJECTIVE CAMERA STARES in at them, then starts to move across the porch and up the side of the house as Charley speaks to Peter. CHARLEY What? The CAMERA PASSES Jerry's bedroom window, catching a glimpse of Peter on the balcony just as he replies to Charley. PETER I don't know. Just my nerves, I guess. 151F INT. HOUSE - SECOND-FLOOR BALCONY - NIGHT Behind Peter there is suddenly a POUNDING at the attic door. Its Amy, trying to get out. Peter stares wor- riedly at the attic door as the POUNDING from within be- comes more VIOLENT. Suddenly ALL THE CLOCKS on the wall below GO OFF, signaling that it's 6 a.m., dawn, time for Jerry to go to bed. Peter takes his eyes off the clocks as the LAST CHIME DIES, looking at Charley over the Balustrade. PETER Keep searching for him. Se's got to be close. It's almost dawn. Charley heads back down the hallway toward the basement as above on the landing, Peter stares around, about to try another door when suddenly the huge stained glass window directly behind and above him bursts apart in an EXPLOSION OF SHATTERING GLASS and Jerry Dandrige plunges in from the outside, landing in a crouch before Peter. He rises as the. older man backs away. Charley rushes down the hail back into the portico, brought by the sound of the crash. He's about to start up the stairs when Dandrige turns and stares down at him. Charley ignores him, starting up the stairs. Peter speaks to him, never taking his gaze from Dandrige. PETER Stay there, Charley -- Charley freezes, staring up at the vampire and the man above, watching, waiting. Dandrige's gaze bores into Peter. JERRY So. Just the two of us at last. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 99. 151F CONTINUED: He-takes a step for Peter. Peter whips out a cross, thrusting it at him. Dandrige stops, smiling at him. He starts for him again, Peter holding his ground, the cross thrust out in front of hiin. PETER Back! JERRY (SMILING THINLY) You have to have faith for that to work, Mr. Vincent. Remember? Peter continues to hold his ground, the cross held up higher, staring defiantly back at Dandrige, refusing to drop his gaze. And then it happens: the vampire jerks to a halt, staring with slowly dawning fury at Peter, real- izing by whatever invisible force it is emanating from that cross that indeed Peter has recovered his faith. He stands there, stymied, snarling at the man. Peter peers over his shoulder, out the ruined window. On the horizon, the first pink tendrils of dawn are breaking. Now it's Peter's turn to smile as he shifts his gaze back to Dandrige. PETER Look over your shoulder. Dandrige cranes his neck to see the rising dawn through the open window, the sun beginning to glint its golden rays even as he stares at it. He turns back to Peter, roaring with fury. JERRY No! Peter picks up his stake and dives for the vampire, Dandrige is too quick for him. He throws himself off the landing, tucking his body into a somersault as he hurls through the air toward the portico floor below, turning into a whirling ball of spinning flesh only to suddenly emerge- from it no longer a man, but now an enormous bat. The' bat straightens in midair above the portico and zooms down the hallway, smashing into Charley chest high, blowing him off his feet as his claws rake the boy, sending two bloody furrows down his chest as the bat whips past him and disappears down the hallway into the darkness. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 99A. 151F CONTINUED: (2) Peter recovers above, hurrying down the stairs to the portico below. He rushes to Charley's side, helping the badly shaken boy to his feet. PETER Are you all right? CHARLEY Yes. Amy begins POUNDING AT THE ATTIC DOOR. above again. The two men look up as it begins to splinter. PETER Quick, he's in the basement. He helps the boy. down the hall, the two of them disappear- ing through the basement door. A second later the attic DOOR above RIPS FROM ITS HINGES, CRASHING to the floor. Amy steps out of the attic, her eyes sightless, a stake grasped in her hand.' She walks like an automaton down the stairway toward the portico below.. 152 INT. BASEMENT - DAWN Charley anaa$ Peter hurry down the stairs into the dark room, its windows covered with blackout drapes. The floor is a mass of antiques, row after row of them, many covered with dust cloths. Peter dives for the first one, ripping the cloth off only to discover an armoire. He rushes to the next one. PETER Quick, his coffin has to be here SOMEWHERE -- They race down the aisle continuing to rip dust covers away only to discover a line of mirrors, several of them obviously removed from pieces in the house above. They stop, staring at them. CHARLEY Well, now we know what he did with the mirrors -- The DOOR to the stairway- CREAKS open behind them, lost somewhere in the dark. Peter whirls, looking back the way they just came. PETER What was that? (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/16/84 99B. 152 CONTINUED: .CHARLEY (MOVING AWAY) You keep searching. I'll check it out. PETER CHARLEY But Charley has disappeared into the darkness before Peter can stop him. Charley appears down the row of antiques, stopping at the foot of the stairs and staring up at.the basement door above. It is partially open, allowing just a sliver of light into the darkness. He calls out, clutching his stake nervously. CHARLEY Who's there -- Amy appears out of the darkness behind him, slowly. approaching; her face deathly white, her lips blood red, her eyes almost glowing in the dark. He hears her at the last second, whirling to face her with a gasp. She reads the fear on his face and smiles sadly, reaching out a hand to him. AMY Don't be frightened, Charley. She takes a step closer and he steps away. Amy stops, staring at him; then she slowly begins to advance on him, unbuttoning her blouse, her voi ce a husky, purring whisper. AMY Charley, I love you -- (he backs away; she keeps coming closer, exposing more and more of her body) What's wrong, Charley, don't you want me anymore? He suddenly breaks her spell, coming to his senses and whip ping out his cross, thrusting it. in her face. She whirls away with a snarl, burying her face in her hands, softly beginning to weep. AMY It's not my fault, Charley. You promised you wouldn't let him get me, you promised. (CONTINUED) I pk Rev. 11/16/84 99C. 152 CONTINUED: He stares at her, guilt boiling up inside of him. He steps forward, touching her shoulder, letting the cross drop to his side. CHARLEY AMY -- She whirls, huge fangs flashing, dripping hungry saliva, and dives for his exposed throat. He whips the cross up, but'not in time, her forearm smashing into his wrist, sending the cross whirling away into the darkness. Amy straightens, smiling at him, the. huge fangs sparkling in the light from the open doorway above. - (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84' 100. 152 CONTINUED: '(2) She begins to walk toward him, her sexual interest in Charley gone, replaced by mad, driving hunger. At the other end of the room, Peter desperately weaves his way among the pieces of furniture dotting the floor, looking for the coffin. He stops before a huge armoir, whips it d own to discover it empty, and is about to move on when he glances down. There, at the corner of the armoir, is a small hole with rats scurrying in and out. Realizing something must be behind the huge piece of furniture, he shoves it aside, toppling it CRASHING to the floor. A hidden alcove, more a dais than anything else, is revealed, a huge window at the back covered with a blackout curtain, and Jerry's ornate brassbound coffin sitting in the middle, covered with CHATTERING, crawling RATS. Peter stares at it, horrified, calling out into the darkness behind him. PETER Charley, I found it -- Back at the other end of the room, Charley is backing away from Amy as she slowly stalks him, the stake she picked up in the attic-in her hands. Charley yells back at Peter. CHARLEY Get it open! She suddenly leaps for him, .stabbing with the stake only to miss him by inches, sending it plunging through the back of a chair with her growing strength, shattering it against the stone wall behind the chair. She turns on Charley, empty-handed now, continuing.to stalk him. Before-the dais, Peter stifles his revulsion of the rats and leaps forward, rushing to the side of the coffin and fumbling with the clasps only to discover they're locked. he cries out again.. PETER He'_s locked it somehow from the inside.. He grabs a hammer from his pocket and starts pounding at the clasps, trying to free them while at the side of the room Charley continues to back away from Amy, calling back. CHARLEY HURRY -- He goes to dodge Amy when she leaps forward, shoving a bureau across his path, blocking his escape. She smiles at him, continuing to back him into a corner. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 101. 152 CONTINUED: (3) Back at the coffin, the clasp finally comes loose beneath Peter's pounding and he moves to the next one, smashing at it with the hammer desperately. Back at the side of the room, Charley dodges Amy, leaping over a pile of refuse in his desperation to escape, the girl vampire diving after him, her fingers clawing into his back and shredding his shirt as he twists out of her grasp. I Back at the dais, Peter breaks the last clasp, throws the coffin lid open, sees Jerry resting beneath him, the king vampire's eyes closed. He fumbles a spare stake from his belt, pressing it to the creature's heart, about to slam it home with the hammer when suddenly behind him Charley crashes INTO VIEW on the floor, Amy fixed to his back, rising over his, struggling to sink her fangs in his neck. Peter whirls at the NOISE, momentarily distracted. In the coffin, Jerry's eyes snap open, fixing on Peter. With a snarl he sits right up in the coffin behind Peter, the man turning back only to find himself face to face with the enraged vampire. Jerry opens his mouth, about to kill him when Peter slams it home, missing his heart and impaling his shoulder. The old -actor falls back as the vampire rises out of his coffin, the stake protruding from his shoulder, Amy stopping in her struggle to kill Charley, both she and the boy staring.up at the huge vampire looming over all three. With superhuman deliberation, Dandrige pulls the stake from his chest and hurls it away. It smashes into a far wall, splintering a window, sending a thin ray of light into the room. Dandrige turns on Peter, his face con- vulsed with hatred. He leaps for him, smashing him into a wall, about to sink his fangs into Peter's neck as Charley watches. CHARLEY (SCREAMING} No! He desperately leaps around Amy, reaching for the blackout curtain covering the window at the back of the.dais. - She jumps after him, grabbing him just as his fingers close around the curtain. She pulls him to the floor, her mouth open, about to sink her fangs in him as the drape comes with him, tearing from the window and sending a huge bolt of sunlight streaming into the dank room. (CONTINUED) 0 Â¢ pk Rev. 11/16/84 102. 152. CONTINUED: (4) it hits Jerry Dandrige squarely in the back, whirling him away from Peter, picking him up and throwing him across the room, slamming him into the far wall, pinning him there several feet above the floor. He writhes in the golden beam, twisting this way and that, but unable to escape as his body slowly begins to smoulder, a million small fires breaking out all over him as begins to burn. JERRY N000000 --- ! As Peter and Charley watch unable to tear their eyes. away, the vampire's body suddenly EXPLODES in a whooshing ball of flame that incinerates him instantly, leaving nothing behind but the ECHOING SCREAM of a soul finally going to hell. Amy rolls off of Charley moaning. He turns to her. CHARLEY AMY -- She slowly opens her eyes, the girl he knew staring back at him, her fangs gone. She throws herself in his arms, weeping softly. He holds her close, staring across the room at Peter who sits beside the coffin, wiping Dandrige's. blood from his face and mouth with his handkerchief, nothing but silence in the room now, the sun shining mer- rily through the window, only a few wisps of charcoal floating lazily through the air to remind any of them what just happened. DISSOLVE TO: 153 EXT. DANDRIGE AND BREWSTER HOUSE - NIGHT The Dandrige house is dark, a "For Sale" sign prominently displayed on the front lawn. The house itself now seems innocuous and ordinary, free forever of the evil that once dwelt within. The Brewster house-next door is lit and gay, much as it was on the first night we saw it. The TV can be heard coming from the house. ANNOUNCER'S VOICE And now, Fright Night, starring Peter Vincent. 154 INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley and Amy lay on his bed, making out like crazy, the TV tuned in to Fright Night just as it was the first evening we met them. They break for a moment as Peter Vincent comes up on the screen. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/25/84 103. 154 CONTINUED: PETER (V.0.) This is Peter Vincent, once more back with you as host of Fright Night. I thought I'd let the vampires rest for a little while. (winking into camera) Right, Charley? (back into his host ROLE) Tonight the threat comes not from beyond the grave, but from beyond the stars as alien beings stalk an unwary summer camp in "MARS WANTS FLESH." (PAUSE) I do not star in it. Amy turns back to Charley, the two of them staring at each other, obviously deeply in love. Then she slowly begins to undress. Smiling he rises, inadvertently turning to his window as he takes his shirt off, much as he did the first night. He freezes. There in Jerry's window, looking back at him, are a pair of red glowing eyes. Charley blinks. He looks at the window again. The eyes are gone... Behind him, Amy looks at him questioningly. AMY Charley, is something wrong? With a quizzical shake of his head, Charley slams the window shut and turns to her. CHARLEY No, nothing. He jumps into bed with her,, the two of them beginning to make- love as the CAMERA PANS off them to the window, pushing out through the window closing in on Jerry's window across the way. A pair of red eyes stand there in the darkness, staring and staring as the CAMERA MOVES CLOSER AND CLOSER. They blink; . they're for real; there is another vampire out there and he is watching Charley. FADE OUT. THE END
FROM DUSK TILL DAWN FROM DUSK TILL DAWN Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino Story by Robert Kurtzman Directed by Robert Rodriguez This script was transcribed, proof read and formatted by ueli riegg email: [email protected]; url: http://studiour.tsx.org Cast List: Quentin Tarantino Richard Gecko George Clooney Seth Gecko Brenda Hillhouse Hostage Gloria Harvey Keitel Jacob Juliette Lewis Kate Ernest Liu Scott Cheech Marin Border Guard, Chet Pussy, Carlos Selma Hayek Santanico Pandemonium Danny Trejo Razor Charlie Ernest Garcia Big Emilio Tom Savini Sex Machine Fred Williamson Frost "I earnestly wish an end would come to this bloody race I am forced to run." Countess in: "La Comtesse Noire" by Jess Franco FADE IN: EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY A convenience store in a Texas Suburb. No other businesses surround it. CLOSE-UP: A light switch is flipped on. The sign on top of the store lights up. It reads: BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR. TITLE CARD: BIG SPRING, TEXAS 109 MILES WEST OF ABILENE 345 MILES EAST OF THE MEXICAN BORDER A Texas Ranger patrol car pulls into the parking lot and a real live Texas Ranger, EARL MCGRAW, steps out. McGraw is in full ranger uniform - button shirt, cowboy hat, boots, mirrored shades, tin star and a colt revolver on his hip. It's about an hour and a half before sundown and McGraw is off duty for the day. The only other car in the parking lot is a 1975 Plymouth INT. BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR - DAY A young Hawaiian Shirt wearing man named PETE sits on a stool behind the counter. A few CLOSE-UP:STOMERS fiddle about. A MAN wearing a black suit, black tie, and wire rim glasses holds hands with a PRETTY BLONDE GIRL in cutoffs and bare feet. They look through magazines. Another black suit wearing MAN holds hands with a RED-HEADED GIRL in a prep school uniform. They look through the beer cooler in the back of the store. Both girls are around seventeen. MCGRAW enters the store. MCGRAW Hot goddamn day! PETE Haven't felt it a bit. Been inside with the air conditioner blastin' all day long. MCGRAW Not even for lunch? PETE I'm by myself today, ate my lunch outta the microwave. McGraw walks over to the beer cooler, as if done ritually every night (it is), takes out a beer, pops it open and joins Pete by the front counter. MCGRAW Jesus Christ man, that microwave food will kill ya as quick as a bullet. Those burritos are only fit for a hippie high on weed. Pull me down a bottle of Jack Daniels. I'm gettin' tanked tonight. PETE Whatsamatter? MCGRAW (sighs) Awww, it's just been a shitass day. Every inch of it hot and miserable. First off, Nadine at the Blue Chip got some sorta sick, so that Mongoloid boy of hers was workin' the grill. That fuckin' idiot don't know rat shit from Rice Krispies. I ate breakfast at nine, was pukin' up pigs in a blanket like a sick dog by ten thirty. PETE Isn't there a law or something against retards serving food to the public? MCGRAW Well, if there ain't there sure oughta be. Who knows what goes on inside Mongoloid's mind? PETE You could sue the shit out of her, ya know. That kid belongs under a circus tent, not flippin' burgers. You could own that fuckin' place. MCGRAW What the hell would I do with that grease pit? Besides, Nadine's got enough of a cross to bear just taking care of that potato head. Then all this Abilene shit happened. You heard about that bank robbery in Abilene, didn't ya? PETE That's all that's been on the box all day. They killed some people didn't they? MCGRAW Four Rangers, three cops, and two civilians. And they took a lady bank teller as a hostage. Pete doesn't say anything. MCGRAW They'll probably make a run for the border, which would bring 'em this way. And if we get our hands on those shit asses, we're talking payback time. We'll get 'em all right. I gotta piss. I'm gonna use your commode. PETE Knock yourself out. McGraw drops his last drip of beer, crushes the can and exits in the bathroom. The black suited man by the beer cooler turns around and, with the prep school girl in tow, walks rapidly toward Pete. We see that the girl is crying. BLACK SUITED MAN #1 (to Pete) Do you think I'm fuckin' playing with you, asshole? (points to the tearful prep school girl) Do you want this little girl to die? (pointing to the blonde with the other guy) Or that little girl? Or your bosombuddy with the badge? Or yourself? I don't wanna do it, but I'll turn this fuckin' store into the Wild Bunch if I even think you're fuckin' with me. The two men in black suits are the notorious Abilene bank robbers, SETH and RICHARD GECKO, "The Gecko Brothers." And the other customers are all being held hostage. Seth is the one with the prep girl. Richard is the one with the blonde. Everybody speaks low and fast. PETE What do you want from me? I did what you said. SETH Letting him use your toilet? No store does that. PETE He comes in here every day and we bullshit. He's used my toilet a thousand times. If I told him no, he'd know something was up. SETH I want that son-of-a-bitch out outta here, in his car, and down the road or you can change the name of this place to "Benny's World of Blood." Richard, holding tightly the hand of the terrified girl, leans next to Seth's ear and whispers something. Seth looks at Pete. SETH Were you giving that pig signals? PETE What? Are you kidding? I didn't do anything! Richard whispers something else in Seth's ear. SETH He says you were scratching. PETE I wasn't scratching! SETH You callin' him a liar? Pete controls himself. PETE I'm not calling him a liar, okay? I'm simply saying that if I was scratching, and if I did scratch, it's not because I was signaling the cop, it's because I'm fuckin' scared shitless. Richard speaks for the first time in a low calm voice to Seth. RICHARD The Ranger's taking a piss. Why don't I just go in there, blow his head off and get outta here. PETE Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural -- in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting. You asked me to get rid of him, I'm doing my best. SETH Yeah, well, your best better get a helluva lot fuckin' better, or you're gonna feel a helluva fuckin' lot worse. The toilet FLUSHES. SETH Everybody be cool. Everybody goes back to what they were doing. McGraw steps back out of the back. He appears to be unaware of the situation. MCGRAW Yeah, and I'm gonna be right back at it tomorrow. So tonight I'm gonna sit in front of the box and just drink booze. How much is the bottle? PETE Six-fifty. Out of nowhere Richard WHIPS out his forty-five automatic and SHOOTS McGraw in the head. McGraw goes down screaming. Richard stands over him and SHOOTS him twice more. Seth charges forward. SETH (to Richard) What the fuck was that about? RICHARD (in a low monotone) He signaled the Ranger. PETE (hysterical) I didn't. (to Seth) You gotta believe me, I didn't. RICHARD (to Seth) When they were talkin', he mouthed the words "Help Us." PETE You fuckin' liar, I didn't say shit! Richard SHOOTS Pete and Pete falls down behind the counter. Seth grabs Richard and throws him up against the wall. SETH What the fuck is wrong with you -- RICHARD Seth, he did it. You were by the beer cooler with your back turned. I was by the magazines, I could see his face. And I saw him mouth: Richard mouths the words, "Help Us." While Pete lies on the floor behind the counter bleeding from his bullet wound, he opens his floor safe and pulls out a gun from it. Seth releases his brother. SETH Start the car. RICHARD You believe me don't cha? SETH Shut up and start the car. Richard walks away from Seth and crosses the counter... ...when Pete SPRINGS up, gun in hand, and SHOOTS Richard in the hand. Richard FALLS to his knees, howling. Both Pete and Seth SPRAY the store with gunfire. Seth DIVES down an aisle. He reloads. Pete DUCKS behind the counter. He reloads. Richard has crawled to safety behind an aisle. The two girls have run out screaming. SETH (yelling) Richie? You okay? RICHARD (yelling) I'm not dead, but I'm definitely shot! I told you that bastard said, "Help us!" PETE (yelling) I never said help us! SETH (yelling) Well that don't matter now, 'cause you got about two fuckin' seconds to live! Richie! RICHARD (yelling) Yeah? SETH (yelling) When I count three, shoot out the bottles behind him! RICHARD Gotcha! SETH One... Two... Three. The two brothers start FIRING toward the counter. They HIT the bottles of alcohol on the shelf behind Pete. Pete is crouched on the ground as glass, debris and alcohol RAIN down on him. Seth grabs a roll of paper towels from off a shelf. Richard keeps FIRING. Seth douses the paper towels with lighter fluid, sets it on fire with his Zippo, then tosses it. The flaming roll of paper towels FLIES through the air. The fireball lands behind the counter. The entire counter area immediately BURSTS INTO FLAMES. Pete screams from behind the counter. Seth smiles to himself and stands. Richard shakes his head in amusement and stands. Pete runs out from behind the counter, ENGULFED IN FLAMES still holding his weapon and FIRING. Seth and Richard hit the ground FIRING their .45's. Pete, the human torch, FALLS like a tree into the Hostess Pastry display. Seth and Richard rise from the rubble. EXT. BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR - DAY They exit the store squabbling. The store is bursting into flames. SETH What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Buy the road map and leave. RICHARD What am I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us. SETH He didn't recognize shit. Both Seth and Richard stand on opposite sides of the car. RICHARD Seth, I'm telling you, the way he looked at us -- you especially -- I knew he knew. They both climb in the car, Seth behind the wheel. Seth starts it op. The souped up engine ROARS to life. We can hear Seth mumbling under the motor. SETH Low profile. Do you know what the words "low profile" mean? CLOSE-UP: SETH'S FOOT PUNCHES GAS. The Plymouth tears out of the parking lot backwards, hits the street, and speeds off down the road. We CRANE UP HIGH to see the car leaving a trail of dust behind it, as the store burns out of control. OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE. Raunchy, honky-tonk MUSIC fills the theater. CUT TO: EXT. TEXAS PANHANDLE - DAY The Plymouth tears ass across Texas plains. As TITLES PLAY OVER, we see Seth and Richard enjoying their getaway/road trip. Seth behind the wheel, pops open a bottle of prescription pills, empties out four of the red capsules in his hand, pops them in his mouth, and washes it back with a slug of Jack Daniel's from a pint bottle. Richard looks at Seth through the hole in his hand. Like a boxer, Richard wraps his wounded hand with gaffer's tape. The camera leaves the boys, as they woosh down the street, and goes along the length of the car to the trunk. It hangs on the trunk. Then we see through the trunk, like Superman: AN OLDER WOMAN tied up and helpless in the trunk. The rest of the titles play over black as the song continues. CREDIT SEQUENCE ENDS CUT TO: EXT. EMMA AND PETE'S GRAVY TRAIN - DAY Emma and Pete's Gravy Train is a truck stop off of Highway 290. SUBTITLE APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN': FORT STOCKTON 238 MILES FROM THE MEXICAN BORDER INT. EMMA AND PETE'S GRAVY TRAIN - DAY Emma and Pete's PATRONS are made up of regulars, truckers, cowboys and road-weary travelers. The CAMERA DOLLIES through the maze of tables, patrons, and waitresses. It stops when it gets to a table occupied by the FULLER FAMILY. The Fullers definitely fall into the road-weary category. The members of the unit consist of the father, JACOB, age 44, an ex-preacher, a good man with rough edges, and his two children, KATE, age 19, is a young beauty who possesses what can only be described as an apple pie sensuality. She is dressed like a nice Christian girl, complete with crucifix. SCOTT, age 16, is a Jacob's Vietnamese adopted son. Scott is a likable, long-haired kid who always wears a T-shirt with the name of the heavy metal garage band he plays guitar for, "Precinct 13." The three of them are wolfing down a late lunch. JACOB We got about two more hours of day light left. That'll get us into El Paso, which is right next to the border. We'll stop at a motel -- SCOTT Stop? We're not going to actually stop at a motel, are we? Scott and Kate speak together, obviously repeating something that Jacob has said about three hundred times. SCOTT AND KATE We've got a Winnebago. We don't need those over priced roach havens. We're self contained. JACOB Okay, Okay, maybe I was a little overzealous, but give me a break, I just bought it. Scott and Kate continue the impersonation. SCOTT Why, just look at all this. You got your kitchen -- KATE -- you got your microwave -- SCOTT -- you got your sink -- KATE -- you got your shower -- SCOTT -- see this, television! KATE Feel this, real wood paneling. That's real wood, too, not that fake stuff. JACOB Unless you two wiseacres wanna be introduced to the joys of hitchhiking, what say we drop this? SCOTT (to Kate) The truth hurts. KATE (to Scott) It's the bitterest of pills. JACOB You two ought to start a stand-up act, because you're just wasting your humor on me. KATE Ain't it the truth. SCOTT Why do you want to stop? JACOB I'm exhausted. SCOTT Lie in the back, Dad, I'll drive us into Mexico. Jacob gives Scott a look that says, "You aren't touching my new motor home." JACOB I just bet you would. Don't even thin about it. Besides, I want to have one night's sleep in an honest-to-goodness bed. The beds in the home are okay, but they're not like a real bed. KATE Hey, if we go to a motel, we can swim. SCOTT I'll be right back. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Scott gets up from the table and walks out back to the restroom. Jacob and Kate are left alone. There's an awkward moment of silence before... KATE Dad, when I called the machine to check our messages there was one from Bethel Baptist. Mr.Franklin said he wouldn't permanently replace you until we came back. He said when we come home, if you still feel the same way -- JACOB That's very nice of Ted, but I'll call him tomorrow and tell him not to bother waiting. KATE I didn't want to talk about this in front of Scott because he gets upset. But you don't believe in God anymore? JACOB Not enough to be a pastor. Look, I know this is hard on you kids. After Jenny's death, this is probably the last thing you need. But I can't do it any longer. My congregation needs spiritual leadership. Well, they can't get that from me anymore. My faith is gone. To answer your question, yes, I do believe in Jesus. But do I love them? No. After Jenny died, I just thought, what's the point? KATE (pushing him) It's just, all our lives you've been a pastor. For twenty years you've preached trust in the lord. And then one day you wake up and say fuck him? JACOB I didn't say fuck him. I'm just not connected anymore. KATE That happens, you'll get it back. JACOB Kate, give your old man a little credit. Every person who chooses the service of God as their life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you'll look at your reflection in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a fool? We've all done it. I'm not going through a lapse. What I've experienced is closer to awakening. I'm not trying to shake your faith. I've just decided not to devote my life to God anymore. KATE What do you think Mom would say? JACOB Mom's got nothing to say, she's dead. CUT TO: CLOSE UP: COUNTER BELL. A hand slams down on it. RING. INT. LOBBY - DEW DROP INN - DAY Seth stands at the front desk of the Dew Drop Inn. A standard issue Texas motel. Richard sits outside in the car. Nobody responds to the bell. Seth BANGS it impatiently five times. TEXAS VOICE (O.S.) Hold your horses! An OLD-TIMER walks through a curtain behind the counter. He's eating a BBQ rib. OLD-TIMER (rough) Whatcha want? SETH Whatcha think I want, ya mean old bastard? I wanna room. EXT. COURTYARD - DEW DROP INN - DAY Richard sits in the car listening to Merle Haggard on the radio. He watches from his perspective, Seth taking the walking outside and getting in the car. Seth starts it up, and drives them to their room. RICHARD Do they have cable? SETH No. RICHARD Do they have an X-rated channel? SETH No. RICHARD Do they have a waterbed? SETH They don't have anything except four walls and a roof, and that's all we need. Their car drives up to room #9, but they park backing up the trunk close to the door. The two brothers get out of the car. SETH (tossing Richie the motel keys) Open the door. We gotta do this fast. Richie opens the door. Seth goes to the trunk, looks around the court yard. It's empty. CLOSE UP: KEY going into the trunk lock, turning. TRUNK POV: Seth looking into the camera. SETH'S POV: A WOMAN in her late forties is lying scrunched up in the trunk. She is the HOSTAGE BANK TELLER from Abilene. She's stiff, scared and looks an absolute mess. SETH Don't say a word. The two brothers, quick as lightening, yank the woman out of the trunk and whisk her into the motel room. SETH closes the trunk, looks around for any Johnny eye-witnesses, doesn't see any, slams the door. INT. SETH AND RICHARD'S ROOM - DAY Seth turns from the door, sees the hostage woman standing. SETH You. Plant yourself in that chair. She sits down in the chair. HOSTAGE What are you planning on doing with -- SETH -- I said plant yourself. Plants don't talk. You wanna get on my good side? Just sit still and don't make a peep. She shuts up. Richard slowly takes off his jacket. He winces from his wound. SETH Let me help you. He helps him get his jacket off. SETH How's it feel? RICHARD How ya think, it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. Richie goes over to the bed and lies down on it. Seth takes the pillow and stacks them for Richie to prop his back up against. SETH I got both rooms on either side of us, so we don't gotta worry about eavesdropping assholes. How's that feel? You okay? RICHARD Feels good. SETH I'm gonna go get the money. He heads for the door. EXT. COURTYARD - MOTEL - DAY Seth goes into the car, takes out a big suitcase. He scans the perimeter with his eyes, goes back inside. INT. MOTEL ROOM #9 - DAY Seth comes back in, lays the suitcase on the bed. Richie has the TV remote control in his hand and he's flipping stations. Seth looks at his watch. SETH It's about five o'clock. (to hostage) What time does it get dark around here? HOSTAGE About seven. SETH Good. I'm going towards the border to check things out while it's still daylight. Call Carlos and arrange the rendezvous. RICHARD Hey, when you talk to him, see if you can arrange a better deal than thirty percent. SETH That's their standard deal, brother. They ain't about to change it for us. RICHARD Did you even to try to negotiate? SETH These guys ain't spic fire cracker salesman from Tijuana. They don't even know the meaning of the word "barter". You wanna stay in El Ray? You give them thirty percent of your loot. It's scripture. So it is written, so shall it be done. You want sanctuary, you pay the price, and the price is thirty percent. RICHARD All I'm saying -- SETH -- This conversation is over. Richie shrugs and turns back to TV, Seth turns to the hostage, grabs a chair and slides it up in front of her. SETH Now, we need to have a talk. What's your name? HOSTAGE Gloria. He shakes her hand. SETH Hello, Gloria, I'm Seth and that's my brother Richie. Let's cut to the chase. I'm gonna ask you a question and all I want is a yes or no answer. Do you want to live through this? GLORIA Yes. SETH Good. Then let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no question. You make a noise... (he holds up his .45) ...Mr. 45 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 45 answers it. Now are you absolutely, positively clear about rule number one? GLORIA Yes. SETH Rule number two: You do what we say, when we say it. If you don't, see rule number one. Seth takes the .45, places the barrel next to the woman's cheek. She squirms and shuts her eyes. He pulls back the hammer. SETH Rule number three: Don't you ever try and fuckin' run on us. 'Cause I got five little friends, and they all run faster 'n you can. Got it? She nods her head yes. He takes the gun away and replaces the hammer. SETH Open your eyes. She does. SETH Gloria, you hang in there, follow the rules, and don't fuck with us, you'll get out of this alive. I give you my word. Okay? She nods her head yes. Seth rises. SETH I'll be back in a bit. He exits. Richard looks to the TV, then looks to Gloria sitting across the room in the chair. RICHARD Wanna come up here on the bed and watch TV with me? You can tell she doesn't want to. He pats the empty space next to him. RICHARD Come on. She gets out of her chair, walks across the bed, and sits next to him. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY A phone booth outside of a gas station. Seth is in the middle of a conversation with the party on the other end. SETH Things are real hot here. Crossing's gonna be a bitch. (pause) Don't worry, we'll get across. But when we do, where do we go? (pause) Can we make it as close to the border as possible? Texas wants our balls. The quicker we're in your protection, the better I'll feel. (pause) Okay, where? (pause) The Titty Twister? (he laughs) I love it already. Okay, Carlos, I'll see you and your men at the "Titty Twister" tomorrow morning. (pause) Bye, my friend. Seth hangs up the phone, lights up a cigarette with his Zippo lighter and exits frame. After Seth exits, leaving the frame empty, a subtitle appears: EL PASO 5 MILES FROM THE MEXICAN BORDER CUT TO: INT. SETH AND RICHARD'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Richard lies on the bed by himself, propped up by pillows, watching TV, taking on hits from a water bong in the shape of a wizard. ON TV A local newscaster named KELLY HOUGE is reporting a story about the brothers. KELLY HOUGE (talking to camera) This bloody crime spree started just a week ago today. The oldest of the two brothers... MUG SHOT OF SETH KELLY HOUGE (V.O) ...Seth Gecko was serving time in Rolling's Kansas State Penitentiary for his part in the 1988 Scott City bank robbery in which two law enforcement officers lost their lives. BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE Having served eight years of his twenty-two year sentence, Seth Gecko was brought to Wichita Municipal court house for his first parole hearing. It was while at the court house that this man... MUG SHOT OF RICHARD GECKO KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ... his younger brother Richard Gecko, a known armed robber and sex offender, pulled off a daring daylight escape... BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE ...resulting in the death of four Wichita law enforcement officers, and this woman... PHOTO OF WOMAN SMILING KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...Heide Vogel, sixth grade teacher who was run over by the Geckos during a high speed pursuit through downtown Wichita. MAP OF AMERICA A red line travels from Wichita to Oklahoma. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) From there the brothers traveled from Kansas through Oklahoma... The red line enters Texas and the camera moves into Texas. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...into the great state of Texas, and then finally... WE ZOOM in on a red-circled Abilene. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...into Abilene. We hear GUNFIRE and SCREAMS. CUT TO: EXT. THE CRIMINAL COURT BUILDING - DAY Kelly Houge walks down the courthouse steps of the criminal courts building of Abilene. She talks to the camera. Cops, lawyers and citizens bustle in the background. KELLY HOUGE The list of the dead climbed up three more notches since our last telecast. CUT TO: PHOTO: OFFICER SHERMAN GOODELL in full police uniform. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) Officer Sherman Goodell, who was in intensive care following the gun battle outside of the Valley Federal bank building... CUT TO: EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Kelly Houge standing on the court house steps talking into the camera. KELLY HOUGE ...died about forty-five minutes ago at Hopkins General hospital. And about six hours ago, during a daylight liquor store robbery in Big Springs, The Gecko Brothers killed another Texas Ranger... CUT TO: PHOTO: EARL MCGRAW in uniform. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...Earl McGraw... CUT TO: PHOTO: PETE in a Hawaiian shirt holding up a big fish. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...and liquor store clerk Pet Bottoms. CUT TO: VIDEO FOOTAGE: Of Benny's World of Liquor burning down. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) Then they proceeded to burn the store down to the ground. CUT TO: VIDEO GRAPHIC: Picture of The Gecko Brothers with a tally underneath: THE GECKO BROTHERS WICHITA JAIL BREAK VALLEY FEDERAL BANK ROBBERY BIG SPRINGS CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY DEATH TOLL 13 TEXAS RANGERS - POLICE OFFICERS - CIVILIANS 4 7 2 KELLY HOUGE That changes the death toll to fifteen. (It changes under "Death toll") Five Texas Rangers... (it changes) Eight police officers (it changes) Three civilians. (it changes) CUT TO: BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE And one hostage... CUT TO: PHOTO: GLORIA HILL KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ... bank teller and mother of four, Gloria Hill. KELLY TO CAMERA KELLY HOUGE Heading the case to bring these fugitives to justice is FBI agent Stanley Chase. We talked with agent Chase earlier this afternoon. CUT TO: VIDEO INTERVIEW Kelly Houge interviewing STANLEY CHASE of the FBI. STANLEY CHASE For the time being we are very confident we will apprehend the fugitives in the next forty-eight hours. The Bureau, local law enforcement and the Texas Rangers have all joined forces in forming a dragnet to snare Seth and Richard Gecko. KELLY HOUGE Agent Chase, does it appear that they are heading for Mexico. STANLEY CHASE Yes, it does, Kelly. We have already alerted the Mexican authorities. They intend to cooperate every way possible in bringing these fugitives to justice. KELLY HOUGE Are you optimistic about the safety of the hostage they took in Abilene, Gloria Hill? STANLEY CHASE We've received no news one way or the other. We can only hope for the best. KELLY HOUGE What about the report from an eyewitness at the liquor store who said one of the brothers was shot? STANLEY CHASE This can't be confirmed at this time, but we do believe it to be true. We have reason to believe it was the youngest brother Richard, and he was shot in the vicinity of his neck and shoulders by the store's clerk. KELLY HOUGE Is it safe to assume that because the death count involved and the loss of life of law enforcement officers, that the Bureau, the Rangers and the police force are taking this manhunt personally? STANLEY CHASE I would say that's a very safe assumption. CUT TO: RICHARD SMILES. RICHARD (Newscaster's voice) Is it safe to assume since the law enforcement authorities in the great state of Texas are homosexuals of a sick and deviate nature, that they will be too busy fucking each other up the ass to actually catch The Gecko Brothers? (in an FBI voice) I would say that's a very safe assumption. He changes a channel on the television. We see a Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoon on the screen. CASPER Would you play with me? A big burly COP turns around. COP Sure, little boy... A GHOST!!! The cop heads for the hills. Casper cries. Seth enters the room carrying a six pack of beer and two take-out bags of Big Kahuna burgers. RICHARD Shit, I started to get worried. Where the fuck ya been? SETH Sight seein'. RICHARD What'd ya see? SETH Cops. RICHARD Didya look at the border? Seth dumps the burgers on the bed. Both men pop open beers and Richard goes to town on a hamburger. Seth flips off the TV SETH Yeah, I saw the border. Through binoculars from on top of a high building. That's about as close as I risked getting. What's the TV say? RICHARD They're going to apprehend us in forty-eight hours. Seth sits down and takes a hit off his beer. SETH (to himself) I gotta figure a way to get across that goddamn border. Longer we fuck around El Paso our lives ain't worth a shit. RICHARD Look, fuck the border. Let's just dig in and wait for things to cool down. SETH Richie, it's gonna get a lot fuckin' worse before it gets any fuckin' better. We showed our ass in Texas. We killed Texas fuckin' Rangers. They ain't gonna stop lookin' till they find us, and when they find us, they're gonna kill us. Texans take it very personal when ya kill their law enforcement officers. The El Paso police have already started a motel and hotel search for us. RICHARD How do you know? SETH I heard it on the radio. We gotta get our asses into Mexico tonight. Carlos is gonna meet us tomorrow morning at a rendezvous on the other side, then Carlos and his boys will escort us to El Ray and -- Seth stops talking and looks around. SETH Where's the woman? RICHARD What? Seth's out of his chair. SETH What'd ya mean, what? The fuckin' woman, the hostage. Where the fuck is she, Richard!? RICHARD She's in the other room. SETH What the fuck is she doin' there?! He goes to the door of the adjoining room. RICHARD Seth, before you open the door, let me explain what happened. Seth stops and looks at his brother. He knows what he means. He can't say anything, only point at his younger sibling. Then he BURSTS open the door. The dead, naked body of Gloria Hill lies on the bed. It's obvious Richard raped her and killed her. Seth covers his eyes with his hands. He slowly enters the room with the dead body. SETH (to himself) Oh, Richard, what's wrong with you? Richard rises from the bed. RICHARD Now, Seth, before you flip out, let me just explain what happened. Seth slowly turns to his brother, then walks toward him. Richard backs up. SETH Yeah, explain it to me. I need an explanation. What's the matter with you? RICHARD (low and calm) There's nothing wrong with me, brother. That woman tried to escape and I did what I had to do. SETH No. (pause) That woman wouldn't of said shit if she had a mouthful. RICHARD Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Once you left, she became a whole different person. SETH (slowly approaching) Is it me? Is it my fault? RICHARD It's not your fault, it's her fault! Seth grabs Richard and THROWS him in the corner of the room, holding tightly to his wrist. SETH Is this my fault? Do you think this is what I am? RICHARD What? SETH This is not me! I am a professional fucking thief. I steal money. You try to stop me, god help you. But I don't kill people I don't have to, and I don't rape women. What you doin' ain't how it's done. Do you understand? RICHARD Seth, if you were me -- SETH Just say yes! Nothing else, just say yes. RICHARD Yes. SETH Yes, Seth, I understand. RICHARD Yes, Seth, I understand. Seth hugs his little brother. Tight. SETH (whispers in Richie's ear) We get into Mexico, it's gonna be sweet Rosemary, hundred-proof liquor, and rice and beans. None of this shit's gonna matter. INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT Scott and Kate are in the front seat of their parked motor home. The motor home's parked in front of the Dew Drop Inn's front office. We see Jacob inside getting a room from the Old-Timer. KATE I can't believe he's stopping here. This place looks totally cruddy. Jacob walks out of the office. Kate yells from the motor home. KATE Dad, why are we stopping here? He opens the meter home door and climbs in. JACOB There's nothing wrong with this place. KATE It's a flop house. JACOB It's not a flop house. It's basic and simple. That doesn't make it a flop house. KATE If it doesn't have a pool, we're looking for a new place. Starting the huge car and slowly maneuvering it through the courtyard. JACOB It has a bed. That's all I care about. KATE Other places have beds, they also have cable TV, a gym, room service... EXT. COURTYARD - NIGHT Seth walks out of room #9 with a beer in his hand. He's thinking about how he's going to get over the border tonight. Lost in thought, he steps out in the path of the Fuller's motor home. Jacob slams on the brakes. Seth jumps back, startled. Both Kate and Scott are TOSSED out of their seats onto the floor. THUD... THUD... KATE Owww, my head. Jacob (pissed) honks his horn at Seth and yells out the window. JACOB Watch where you're going! THROUGH WINDSHIELD Seth just stands right in their way without moving, gazing up at the giant motor home. JACOB BEHIND THE WHEEL Kate and Scott join him up front looking at this weirdo. SCOTT What's this guy's problem? JACOB I have no idea. Seth continues standing in their way, making no attempt to move. Not threatening, just looking at them. HONK! JACOB Anytime, man. The horn snaps Seth back to this world. A smile breaks out on the escaped fugitive's face and he politely steps to one side to let them pass. Pass they do! KATE Creepy guy. SETH The Sword of Damocles is lifted from above Seth's head. He's just solved a problem that a mere thirty seconds ago seemed unsolvable. He knows exactly how he's going to cross the border. Whistling a happy tune, he turns and walks back into room #9. INT. FULLERS' MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT The Fullers are in room #12. It's identical to the one that the Gecko boys are in, except that the paintings above the beds are different. Jacob has fallen asleep in his clothes on the bed. Scott sits in a chair, headphones on, playing an unplugged electric guitar. Kate is nowhere in sight. KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK... on the door. Scott doesn't hear shit but his music. Jacob stirs a bit, but doesn't wake up. POUND... POUND... POUND... on the door. Jacob SPRINGS UP. He looks over at Scott, who, lost in guitar heaven, is oblivious of the knocker, then to the door. JACOB (yelling) What? From the other side of the door comes a friendly voice. VOICE (O.S.) I'm your neighbor in room 9, I hate to disturb you, but I'd like to ask a favor. Jacob swings his feet to the floor, stands up and walks to the door. As he passes Scott, he says, in his direction -- JACOB I hope none of this is disturbing you. Scott can't hear him, but when he sees his dad look at him, he smiles. Jacob opens the door and sees... ... Richard Gecko standing in the doorway, looking like the nicest guy in the entire world. RICHARD Hi there, I'm from room 9, my name is Don Cornelius. No, not the Don Cornelius from Soul Train. Me and my lady friend need some ice and we don't seem to have an ice bucket. Could we possibly borrow yours? I'll bring it right back. JACOB (still partially asleep) Sure. We follow Jacob as he turns to the dresser to get the motel ice bucket. He grabs it, turns back to the door, takes a couple of steps towards it, then stops: in his tracks. He sees Richard and Seth both inside the room with the door closed, both with .45's in their hands, both aimed at him. JACOB What is this? Seth SLUGS Jacob in the mouth, KNOCKING him to the ground. SETH It's called a punch. Scott suddenly becomes aware of what's going on around him and instinctively stands. Richard shoves his .45 in Scott's mouth. RICHARD Sit down. Scott lowers himself back down onto his seat. RICHARD Good boy. Jacob lifts his head off the floor and wipes blood away from his lip. He looks at his opponent who stands over him. SETH (to Jacob) What's your name? JACOB Jacob. SETH Okay, Jacob, get up and sit your ass down on the bed. Make a wrong move and I'll shoot you in the face. Jacob rises and sits on the edge of the bed. SETH (to Richard) Okay, move the Jap over there. Keeping the gun in Scott's mouth, Richard makes Scott rise... RICHARD Upsy daisy. ...guiding him over to the bed by his father. Richard removes the gun from Scott's mouth and stands next to his brother, looking down at their two hostages. SETH (to his hostages) What's the story with you two? You a couple of fags? JACOB He's my son. SETH How does that happen? You don't look Japanese. JACOB Neither does he. He looks Vietnamese. SETH Oh, well, excuse me all to hell. JACOB What's this about, money? SETH It's about money, all right, but not yours. You see, me and my brother here are in a little hot water and we need your assistance. The door to room #12 opens and a dripping wet, bikini clad Kate walks in. The brothers spin their guns in her direction. Kate, startled, screams. Jacob and Scott get on their feet and move forward. Seth spins back towards the two men, gun ready to spit. SETH (to Scott and Jacob) Stop! Jacob and Scott freeze. Richard moves like quicksilver, shutting the door and positioning himself behind the terrified Kate. KATE What's going on? RICHARD We're having a wet bikini contest, and you just won. JACOB (to Kate) It's okay, honey. Everything's going to be all right. SETH Just listen to daddy, sugar, and don't do nothin' stupid. (he turns to Jacob and Scott, who are still standing) You two, Simon says sit the fuck down! They slowly sit. Richard can't take his eyes off the dripping wet Kate. Both Jacob and Seth see this and neither men like it. Both for their own reasons. SETH (to Jacob) Where are the keys to the motor home? JACOB On the dresser. SETH Richie, take the keys. Start that big bastard up, and drive it up front. Richard doesn't move from his position behind Kate. Kate feels his eyes on her. She slowly turns and looks at him. He looks in her face. CLOSE-UP KATE She smiles at him. KATE Richie, will you do me a favor and eat my pussy? CLOSE-UP RICHARD RICHARD Sure. SETH (O.S.) Richard! Richard's eyes go to Seth. Everybody is where they were. Kate never turned around. SETH Not when you get around to it, now. Without saying a word, he takes the keys and leaves the room. SETH (pointing at Kate) You, Gidget, go in the bathroom and put on some clothes. She grabs some clothes from the floor and moves towards the bathroom. Seth GRABS her wrist. SETH You got three minutes. One second longer, I shoot your father in the face. Do you understand what I just said? KATE Yes. SETH Do you believe me? KATE Yes. SETH You damn well better. Go. She goes into the bathroom. JACOB Look, if you want the motor home, just take it and get out. Seth grabs a chair and slides it up to his two male hostages. SETH Sorry, Pops, it ain't gonna be that easy. We hear the motor home "HONK" twice outside. SETH Get ready to move out, we're all going on a little ride. Jacob shakes his head "no." JACOB Not a chance. SETH Come again? JACOB If you're taking people, take me. But my kids aren't going anywhere with you. SETH Sorry, I need everybody. JACOB My children are not going with you, and that's that. SETH (angry) That's not fuckin' that... (holds up his gun) this is fuckin' this. (he calms down and looks at Scott) Go sit over there. Scott gets up and walks to the other side of the room, leaving the two men alone. Seth speaks in a quiet, conversational tone. SETH I ain't got time to fuck around with you, so I'll make this simple. Take your kids and get in the car, or I'll execute all three of you right now. (he cocks the gun and puts it right in Jacob's face) What's it gonna be, yes or no answer? Jacob looks at him. JACOB Yes. SETH Good. (to Scott) Your old man's all right, he just saved your life. Seth BANGS on the bathroom door. SETH Times up, Princess. The bathroom door opens. Kate stands there, wearing a T-shirt, jeans and bare feet. SETH Okay, ramblers, let's get to rambling. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The motor home with the powder-keg interior drives through the Lone Star night. INT. MOTOR HOME NIGHT Richard's in the back bed area with a gun trained on Kate and Scott. The two scared siblings hold hands. KATE Excuse me. Richard zeros in on her. RICHARD What? KATE Where are you taking us? RICHARD Mexico. KATE What's in Mexico? RICHARD Mexicans. He doesn't smile. In the front part of the motor home, Jacob sits behind the wheel, driving into the night. Seth sits in the passenger seat, going through Jacob's wallet and talking to him calmly. SETH (reading his driver's license) Jacob Fuller. Jacob, that's biblical, ain't it? What am I askin' for, of course it is. (motioning behind him) What are their names? JACOB Scott and Kate. Seth repeats the names as he thumbs through the wallet. SETH Scott and Kate... Kate and Scott... Scott Fuller... Kate Fuller... Seth comes to a snapshot of Jacob and his wife. SETH Who's this? JACOB My wife. SETH Where is the little lady? JACOB In heaven. SETH She's dead? JACOB Yes, she is. SETH How'd she die? JACOB Auto wreck. SETH Come on, gimme some more details. How'd it happen? Some fuckin' drunk kill her? JACOB No. It was a rainy night, the brakes on the car weren't great. She had to stop suddenly. She slid on the road, she crashed, she died. SETH Died instantly? JACOB Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on. SETH Whewww! Those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they? JACOB Yes, they do. Seth looks back at the wallet. He sees Jacob's minister's license. SETH Is this real? JACOB Yes. SETH I've seen one of these before. A friend of mine had himself declared a minister of his own religion. Away to fuck the IRS. Is that what you're doing, or are you the real McCoy? JACOB Real McCoy. SETH You're a preacher? JACOB I was a minister. SETH Was? As in not anymore? JACOB Yes. SETH Why'd ya quit? JACOB I think I've gotten about as up close and personal with you as I'm gonna get. Now if you need me like I think you need me, you're not gonna kill me 'cause I won't answer your stupid, prying questions. So, with all due respect, mind your own business. SETH I seem to have touched a nerve. Don't be so sensitive, Pops, let's keep this friendly. But you're right, enough with the getting to know you shit. Now, there's two ways we can play this hand. One way is me and you go round an' round all fuckin' night. The other way, is we reach some sort of an understanding. Now, if we go down that first path at the end of the day, I'll win. But we go down the second, we'll both win. Now, I don't give a rat's ass about you or your fuckin' family. Y'all can live forever or die this second and I don't care which. The only things I do care about are me that son-of-a-bitch in the back, and our money. And right now I need to get those three things into Mexico. Now, stop me if I'm wrong, but I take it you don't give a shit about seeing me and my brother receiving justice, or the bank getting its money back. Right now all you care about is the safety of your daughter, your son and possibly yourself. Am I correct? JACOB Yes. SETH I thought so. You help us get across the border without incident, stay with us the rest of the night without trying anything funny, and in the morning we'll let you and your family go. That way everybody gets what they want. You and your kids get out of this alive and we get into Mexico. Everybody's happy. JACOB How do I know you'll keep your word? SETH Jesus Christ, Pops, don't start with this shit. JACOB You want me to sit here and be passive. The only way being passive in this situation makes sense is if I believe you'll let us go. I'm not there yet. You have to convince me you're telling the truth. SETH Look, dickhead, the only thing you need to be convinced about is that you're stuck in a situation with a coupla real mean motor scooters. I don't wanna hafta worry about you all fuckin' night. And I don't think you wanna be worrying about my brother's intentions toward your daughter all night. You notice the way he looked at her, didn't ya? JACOB Yes. SETH Didn't like it, did ya? JACOB No, I didn't. SETH Didn't think so. So, as I was saying, I'm willing to make a deal. You behave, get us into Mexico, and don't try to escape. I'll keep my brother off your daughter and let you all loose in the morning. JACOB You won't let him touch her? SETH I can handle Richie, don't worry. The two men look at each other for some measure of trust. Seth sticks out his hand. SETH I give you my word. Seth can't help but think about the last time he gave his word. SETH (hand sticks out) My words, my law. Better you not take it, and that's just where we are, then take it and not mean it. Jacob takes his hand, but looks right into Seth. JACOB If he touches her, I'll kill him. I don't give a fuck how many guns you have, nothing will stop me from killing him. SETH Fair enough. You break your word, I'll kill all of you. (calling to the back) Kate, honey! KATE Yeah. SETH You must have a bible in here, don't cha? KATE Yeah, we got a bible. SETH Get it and bring it up here, will ya, please? Kate goes into a drawer, pulls out a bible and brings it up front. SETH Hold it right there, sweetie pie. (to Jacob) Put your hand on it. Jacob does. SETH Swear to God, on the Bible, you won't try to escape and you'll get us across the border. JACOB I swear to God I won't try to escape and I'll do my best to get you into Mexico. SETH You best better get it done, Pops. Seth places his hand on the Bible. SETH I swear to God I'll let you loose in the morning. And your daughter will be safe. And I also swear if you do anything to fuck me up, I'll slit all your throats. TIME CUT TO: INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT Richard's in the back with Kate and Scott. Richard, expressionless, looks at Kate's bare feet. SLOW ZOOM KATE'S BARE FEET EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S TOES. They wiggle. His eyes go to her hands. SLOW ZOOM KATE'S HANDS EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S FINGERS His eyes go to her neck. SLOW ZOOM NAPE OF KATE'S NECK EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S ADAM'S APPLE. She swallows. His eyes move up. SIDE PROFILE OF KATE, SLOW ZOOM TO KATE'S LIPS Back to Richard. RICHARD Did ya mean what you said back there? Kate turns to him. KATE What? RICHARD In the room. Were you serious, or were you just foolin' around? I'm just bringing it up, 'cause if you really want me to do that for you, I will. KATE Do what? RICHARD (in a whisper) What you said to me in the room. KATE (whispers back) What did I say? RICHARD (whisper) You asked me if I would -- SETH (O.S.) Richard! RICHARD (to Seth) What? Seth and Jacob. SETH I told you to watch those kids, I didn't say talk to 'em. You guys ain't got nothin' to say to one another. So cut the chatter. Richard turns to Kate. RICHARD (quiet) We'll talk later. Kate still hasn't a clue what he means. CUT TO: EXT. THE MEXICAN BORDER - NIGHT Automobiles are lined up, waiting one by one to go into Mexico. Cop cars with their red and blue lights flashing are all over the place. Border Patrol men and Police are stopping all cars. Pulling up to the end of the line is the Fuller's mobile home. INT. MOBILE HOME - NIGHT Jacob at the wheel, Seth in the passenger seat. Seth jumps up and goes into action. SETH Okay everybody, it's show time. Richie, take Kate in the bathroom. Richard grabs the terrified Kate and drags her in the bathroom, SETH Scott, you come up front with your daddy. Scott does. Seth, keeping low, gets behind Jacob. JACOB I'm telling you, don't hurt her. SETH As long as you're cool, she'll be cool. What're ya gonna say? JACOB I don't have the slightest idea. SETH Well, you just keep thinkin' of that gun next to Kate's temple. Seth disappears into the bathroom with Kate and Richard, closing the door behind him. Father and son are alone for the first time since this whole thing began. SCOTT What are you gonna do? JACOB I'm gonna try and get us across the border. SCOTT No, dad, you gotta tell 'em that they're back there. Jacob is surprised to hear Scott say this. INT. BATHROOM - MOBILE HOME - NIGHT The bathroom, which consists of a shower, a toilet and a small sink, is a tight fit with three people in it. Richard has his back against the wall, with his arm around Kate, holding her in front of him. One hand is over her mouth, the other holds a .45 against her head. Kate's eyes are wide with fear. Seth stands, .45 in hand, ready to fire if the wrong person should open the door. Everybody talks low and quiet. RICHARD This isn't gonna work. SETH Shut up. It's gonna work just fine, RICHARD I just want to go on record as saying this is a bad idea. SETH Duly noted. Now, shut up. Everyone's quiet for a second, till Richard breaks it. RICHARD (to himself) They're gonna search the van. SETH (offhand) As long as you don't act like a fuckin' nut, we'll be just fine. RICHARD What does that mean? SETH (distracted) What? Richard lets Kate go, she quickly moves to the side. RICHARD You just called me a fuckin' nut. SETH No, I didn't. RICHARD Yes, you did. You said as long as I don't act like a fuckin' nut, implying that I've been acting like a fuckin' nut. SETH Take a pill, kid. I just meant stay cool. RICHARD You meant that, but you meant the other, too. Kate can't believe what she's watching. Neither can Seth. SETH (serious as a heart attack) This ain't the time, Richard. RICHARD (his voice rising) Fuck those spic pigs! You called me a fuckin' nut, and where I come from, that stops the train on its tracks. SETH (real quiet and violent) Keep your voice down. RICHARD (quiet back) Or what? BACK TO JACOB AND SCOTT JACOB Have you forgotten about your sister? SCOTT They're gonna kill us. They get us across the border, they're gonna take us out in the desert and shoot us. JACOB If they get over the border, they're gonna let us go. SCOTT Dad, I watch those reality shows. They never let anybody go. Any cop will tell you, in a situation like this, you get a chance, you go for it. This is our chance. JACOB What about Kate? SCOTT They're gonna kill her anyway. At least now with all these cops we've got a fighting chance. JACOB Son, I have this situation under control. I know exactly what I'm doing. You're going to have to trust me on this. SCOTT If trusting you means trusting those fuckin' killers, I can't do that. If you don't tell the cops, I will. Jacob grabs Scott by the front of his shirt, and yanks him to him. JACOB Now, you listen to me. You ain't gonna do a goddamn fucking thing, you hear me! Nobody cares what you think, I'm running this show, I make the decisions. SCOTT He's running the show. JACOB I'm running the show. I make the plays, and you back the plays I make. Stop thinking with your fucking balls. Kate in a room with a couple of desperate men with nothing to fucking lose ain't the time to "go for it." I need your cover. Cover my ass. There's a HONK behind them. They both look out the window. It's their turn with the BORDER PATROL GUARDS. JACOB takes the wheel and drives up. A stern BORDER GUARD approaches JACOB'S window. BORDER GUARD How many with you? JACOB Just my son and I. BORDER GUARD What is your purpose in Mexico? JACOB Vacation. I'm taking him to see his first bullfight. BACK TO BATHROOM RICHARD I'm curious. What was the nuttiest thing I did? SETH This ain't the time. RICHARD Oh, I know, was it possibly when your ass was rotting in jail and I broke it out? Yeah, you're right, that was pretty fuckin' nutty. Not to mention stupid. But you know what? I can fix that right now. SETH HAULS off and PUNCHES Richard smack in the head. Richard HITS the floor, Guard, Jacob, and Scott hear Richard fall in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD What was that? JACOB Oh, that's just my daughter in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD You said it was just you and your son. JACOB I meant me, my son and my daughter. CLOSE-UP BORDER GUARD BORDER GUARD Open the door. I'm coming aboard. BACK TO BATHROOM CLOSE-UP KATE We can only see Kate's face. It's scared. We hear rustling around the bathroom, but we don't know what it is. Then it's quiet. Then we hear talking outside the door, but we can't make it out. Then we hear a knock. KATE I'm in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD (O.S.) It's the Border Patrol. Open up. KATE It's open. We hear the door open and see the light change on Kate's face. She's looking up. BORDER GUARD in the doorway looking in. HE SEES: Kate by herself, pants around her ankles, sitting on the toilet. KATE Do you mind? Shut the fucking door. BORDER GUARD Excuse me. He closes the door. Kate lets out a breath. We wait a beat, Seth pulls back the curtain in the shower, we see Richie on the floor of the shower knocked out. Seth and Kate meet eyes. He gives her the O.K. signal. CUT TO: BACK WINDOW MOTOR HOME We see through the back window of the motor home, the border getting smaller as we drive away from it. Scott knocks on the bathroom door. SCOTT It's clear. Seth BURSTS out of the bathroom. SETH Goddamn, that was. intense! Seth goes to the back window. He sees the border getting farther and farther away. No cars following. SETH (to himself) We did it. (pause) We're in Mexico. Seth throws his head back and SCREAMS for joy. Kate, emerging from the bathroom, reacts to Seth's scream, along with Scott. Seth is so happy that he does a little jig in the back of the van. Everybody else is still tense as shit. But Seth lets go of all his tension, and becomes a new man before our eyes. He turns to Kate. SETH (loud and happy) Come here, Kate! Kate, nervous, takes a step back. He charges for her. GRABS her, hugs her around her waist, and spins her around. When he lets her go, she stumbles dizzily onto the bed. SETH (to Kate) You were magnificent! You told him to shut the fucking door. I'm hiding in the shower, and I'm thinking to myself, "Did I just fuckin' hear what I just fuckin' heard? And what does he do -- he shuts the fucking door! Kate kind of half smiles. SETH If I was a bit younger, baby, I'd fuckin' marry you! Seth goes up front and slaps Jacob on the back. SETH I gotta hand it to ya, Pops, you raised a fuckin' woman. Jacob doesn't share Seth's enthusiasm, but he is relieved. JACOB We did our part, we gotcha in Mexico. Now it's time for your part, letting us go. SETH Pops, when you're right, you're right, and you are right. KATE (suddenly brightens) You're gonna let us go? SETH In the morning, darlin', in the morning, we are G-O-N-E and you are F-R-E-E. Now, I know I put you guys through hell, and I know I've been one rough pecker, but from here on end you guys are in my cool book. Scotty, help me pick Richie up, and lay him down. Jacob, keep going on this road till you get to a sign that says, "Digayo." When you get to Digayo, turn this big bastard left, go on down for a few miles, then you see a bar called "The Titty Twister." From what I hear, you can't miss it. JACOB Then? SETH Then stop, 'cause that's where we're going. He slaps him once again on the back, and leaves to attend to Richard. CUT TO: CLOSE-UP RICHARD without glasses. Unconscious, Seth slaps his face. SETH (O.S.) C'mon, kid, wake up. Don't make a career out of it. Richard starts coming to and opens his eyes. Seth sits at the foot of the bed. SETH You okay? RICHARD (disoriented) Yeah, I think so. What happened? SETH I don't know, you just passed out. RICHARD I did? SETH Yeah, we were just standing there. You said something about your shoulder hurting, then you just hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. RICHARD Really? SETH Yeah, when you fell your head smacked the toilet hard. It scared the shit outta me. Sure you're okay? RICHARD Yeah, I guess. I'm just a little fucked up. SETH Well, let me tell ya something, gonna clear your head right up. We are officially Mexicans. RICHARD What? SETH We are... (singing) "South of the border down Mexico way." RICHARD We are? SETH Yep. We're heading for the rendezvous right now. We get there, we pound booze till Carlos shows up, he escorts us to El Ray. And then me and you, brother, kick fuckin' back. How ya like them apples? Slowly shaking the cobwebs out of his head. RICHARD Far out. (pause) Where are my glasses? SETH They broke when you fell. RICHARD Oh, fuck, Seth, that's my only pair! SETH Don't worry about it, we'll get you some glasses. RICHARD What dya mean, don't worry about it. Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see. SETH When we get to El Ray, I'll take care of it. RICHARD Yeah, like a Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription. SETH It's not a big deal, unless you make it a big deal. Now, I'm real happy, Richie, stop bringing me down with bullshit. Jacob calls to the back. JACOB Guys! We're here. CUT TO: A neon sign that flashes: THE TITTY TWISTER Hiker/Trucker bar, Dusk till Dawn Underneath the joint's proud name on the sign, and on top of "Biker/Trucker bar, Dusk till Dawn" is a well-endowed woman, whose breast is being twisted by a neon hand. EXT. THE TITTY TWISTER NIGHT The neon sign sits on top of the rudest, sleaziest, most crab-infested, strip joint, honky-tonk whorehouse in all of Mexico. The Titty Twister is located out in the middle of nowheres ville. It sits by itself with nothing around it for miles. A plethora of choppers and eighteen wheelers are parked out in front. The walls almost pulsate from the LOUD, RAUNCHY MUSIC within the structure. Signs cover the walls outside reading things like: "NUDE DANCING", "WHORES", "BEER", "AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FOOD", "BIKERS AND TRUCKERS ONLY", "OPEN DUSK TILL DAWN", "THURSDAY COCKFIGHT NIGHT", "WEDNESDAY DOGFIGHT NIGHT", "DONKEY SHOW MONDAYS", "EVERY FRIDAY BARE KNUCKLE FIGHT TO THE DEATH, FEATURING THE LOVELY SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM", "ATHENA AND DANNY THE WONDER PONY", and "THE SLEAZY TITTY TWISTER DANCERS." In the parking lot, a BIKER and a TRUCK DRIVER beat the shit out of each other, one with a pipe, the other with a hammer. A SECOND BIKER fucks a Titty Twister WHORE against the wall. A greasy man, known as CHET PUSSY, stands in the parking lot, soliciting customers through a Mr. Microphone. CHET Pussy, pussy, pussy! All pussy must go. At the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! This is a pussy blow out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of pussy! We got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, hot pussy, cold pussy, wet pussy, tight pussy, big pussy, bloody pussy, fat pussy, hairy pussy, smelly pussy, velvet pussy, silk pussy, Naugahyde pussy, snappin' pussy, horse pussy, dog pussy, mule pussy, fake pussy! If we don't have it, you don't want it! The Fullers' recreational vehicle pulls into the parking lot and stops. INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT What's left of the Fuller family and the Gecko family look out the windshield onto the sight that is the Titty Twister. SETH (to the group) Okay, troops, this is the homestretch. Here's the deal; this place closes at dawn. Carlos is gonna meet us here sometime before dawn. Which by my guesstimate is somewhere between three or four hours from now. So we're gonna go in there, take a seat, have a drink -- have a bunch of drinks, and wait for Carlos. That could be an hour, that could be three hours, I don't know which. But when he gets here, me and Richie are going to leave with him. After we split, you guys are officially out of this stewpot. Let me just say I'm real happy about where we're at. We got a real nice, "I don't fuck with you -- you don't fuck with me" attitude going on. Now, if everybody just keeps playin' it cool -- and I'm talking to you, too, Richie -- everybody's gonna get what they want. Comprende, amigos? Everybody nods and mutters in agreement. SETH Okay hard drinkers, let's drink hard. I'm buyin'. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT The camper door FLIES OPEN and the two brothers and the Fuller family step out into the night. They look across the parking lot at the Titty Twister. It literally looks in some ways like the entrance to hell. JACOB Out of the stew pot and into the fire. SETH Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club. RICHARD I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up. Seth can't believe it. SETH (in a baby talk voice) Aww-w, whatsa matter, is the little baby too afraid to go into the big scary bar? The two brothers square off, not like strangers fighting, but like brothers fight. They talk real quiet, but real personal. RICHARD That's what you think? SETH That's how you're lookin', Richie. RICHARD I'm lookin' scared? SETH That's what you look like. RICHARD You know what you look like? SETH No, Richie, what do I look like? RICHARD You're lookin' green. That's not what Seth expected to hear. SETH How? RICHARD Where are you right now? SETH What do you mean? RICHARD Where are you? SETH I'm here with you. RICHARD No, you're not. You're sippin' margaritas in El Ray. But we're not in El Ray. We're here -- getting ready to go in there. You're so pleased with yourself about getting into Mexico, you think the job's down. It ain't. Get back on the clock. That's a fuck-with-you-bar. We hang around there for a coupla hours, in all likelihood, we'll get fucked with. So get your shit together, brother. SETH My shit is together. RICHARD It don't look together. SETH Well, it is. Just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm on vacation. You're just not used to seein' me happy, 'cause it's been about fifteen fuckin' years since I been happy. But my shit is forever together. Richard believes Seth's response. RICHARD Okay, just checkin'. They walk toward the bar's entrance. Chet Pussy talks into the microphone. CHET (yelling into the microphone) Take advantage of our penny pussy sale. Buy any piece of pussy a tour regular price, you get another piece of pussy, of equal or lesser value, for a penny. Now try and beat pussy for a penny! If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere, fuck it! Chet notices our heroes, especially young Kate. CHET (in microphone, towards Kate) What's this? A new flavor approaching. Apple Pie Pussy. SETH Step aside, asshole. Chet POKES HIS FINGER in Seth's CHEST. CHET Not so fast, Slick. Seth GRABS HOLD of Chet's FINGER, BENDS it BACKWARDS till the BONE SNAPS in two. Chet lets out a SCREAM. Seth VIOLENTLY brings his HEAD FORWARD PULVERIZING Chet's NOSE. Chet FALLS to his KNEES in front of Seth. Seth HOOKS him with a powerful FIST UNDER his CHIN that SNAPS Chet's HEAD BACK, and THROWS him on his BACK. After HITTING the GROUND, Seth SENDS a SAVAGE KICK straight to Chet's FACE, ROLLING HIM OVER. Chet is OUT. The whole altercation took two seconds. Everyone's in shock and looks at Seth. Seth looks back at everyone. SETH Now, is my shit together, or is my shit together? Richard and Seth laugh with each other. RICHARD (slappin' Seth five) Your shit is forever together! They head for the door. Richard stays behind for a second, and gives the fallen Chet a few, swift kicks, INT. THE TITTY TWISTER NIGHT If the Titty Twister looked like the asshole of the world from the outside, in the immortal words of Al Jolson, "You ain't seen nothin' yet." This is the kind of place where they sweep up the teeth and hose down the cum, the blood and the beer at closing. In the back, TOPLESS DANCERS do lap dances with customers, while a SLEAZY SEXY STRIPPER STRIPS to RAUNCHY MUSIC, played at ear drum-bursting level. TWO MEN are in a savage BAREKNUCKLE FIGHT, surrounded by screaming customers of bikers and truckers. One of the dancers is a man with a saddle on his back, his name is DANNY THE WONDER PONY. The woman on his back, in the saddle, feet in the stirrups, hands on the reins, is ATHENA, his rider. They dance around to the cheers of the crowd. Bikers and truckers play pool in the back. Fights break out here about one every ten minutes. The customers may start 'em, but the bouncer, BIG EMILIO, ends 'em. Seth, Richard, Jacob, Scott and Kate walk through the door. They each individually take in the sights and the smells. Seth is the first to say something. SETH Now this is my kinda place! I could become a regular. The man behind the bar is RAZOR CHARLIE. He eyes the group as they approach. Their difference from the usual road waif nomads who populate the Twister disturbs him. He exchanges a knowing look across the room with Big Emilio, as the group bellies up to the bar. SETH Whiskey! RAZOR CHARLIE (in English) You can't come in here. SETH What dya mean? RAZOR CHARLIE This is a private club. You're not welcome. SETH Are you tellin' me I'm not good enough to drink here? RAZOR CHARLIE This bar is for bikers and truckers only. (points his finger to Seth) You, get out! Big Emilio almost magically appears behind Seth and places HIS BIG BEEFY SAUSAGE-FINGERED HAND HARD on Seth's shoulder. BIG EMILIO (to Seth in Spanish) Walk, Pendaho. Seth slowly turns his eyes to the big hand on his shoulder. SETH (low) Take your hand off me. BIG EMILIO (Spanish) I'm going to count to three. SETH No, I'm going to count to three. BIG EMILIO Uno... SETH Two.. Jacob jumps in the middle. JACOB Now wait a minute, there's no reason to get ugly. There's just a misunderstanding going on here. You said this bar is for truckers and bikers, Well, I'm a truck driver. Everybody looks at Jacob. As Jacob talks he takes out his wallet. JACOB If you look outside your door, parked in your parking lot, you'll see a big ass recreational vehicle. That's mine. In order to drive that legally, you need a class two driver's license. That is the same license that the DMV requires truck drivers to carry in order to drive a truck. (he takes the license out of his wallet and lays it on the bar) That is me, and this is my class two license. This is a truck driver's bar, I am a truck driver, and these are my friends. Everybody's a little stunned after Jacob's speech. Razor Charlie picks up the license, looks at Jacob, looks at everyone in the party and smiles. RAZOR CHARLIE (to Jacob) Welcome to the Titty Twister. What can I get you? Seth BRUSHES OFF Big Emilio's paw. SETH Bottle of whiskey and five glasses. Razor Charlie's eyes go to Seth. Even though he has a big smile on his face, he looks like he's going to kill Seth. But instead he just says, RAZOR CHARLIE Coming right up. Razor Charlie goes for the bottle. Big Emilio gives the party one last look and walks away. Richard gives Jacob a buddy punch on the shoulder. RICHARD Good job, Pops. Seth's still frying an egg on his head. SETH That's just fuckin' typical. Biggest number one problem with Mexico, it's not service oriented. I was feelin' so good, and those fuckin' spies brought me down. Richard puts his arm around Seth. RICHARD Fuck 'em, shake it off. Razor Charlie brings the bottle and the glasses. Seth looks at the guy, still pissed. SETH You serve food, Jose? Razor Charlie knows Seth's taunting him with a racial slur, but he just smiles and says, RAZOR CHARLIE Best in Mexico. SETH I kinda doubt that. We're grabbin' a table, send over a waitress to take our order. Seth walks away, and the group follows him. We just hang on the evil wheels turning inside of Razor Charlie's head. The five of them move across the floor to a table. As they walk, Kate attracts stares, wolf whistles and rude comments from some of the patrons. Jacob keeps near his daughter. The dancers do their sexy routines. A big-chested, wild-haired blonde catches Scott's eye. She winks at him. Richard leans over and whispers in Scott's ear. RICHARD Anytime you want a lap dance with that broad, say the word. It's on me, kiddo. He gives the boy's neck a squeeze. Jacob's eyes survey the surroundings. Big Emilio and Razor Charlie quietly exchange words about the party in Spanish. RAZOR CHARLIE (in Spanish) They're not the normal road trash we normally feed on. But it'll be okay. No one knows they're here. The five of them find a table and sit down. Seth, still in a bad mood, takes the cork out of the whiskey bottle and tosses it. He pours Richie and himself a glass. SETH Who else? JACOB Pass. SETH (picking a fight) Why not, against your religion? JACOB (won't be baited) No, I do drink, I'm just not drinking now. SETH Suit yourself, more for me. (to Scott) Scotty? Scott shakes his head no. SETH (to Kate) How 'bout you? (pointing at Scott and Kate) are safer in here with us than wandering around a Mexican border town all night long. Just don't do nothin' stupid and we'll all get along fine. (to Scott) Scotty, you sure you don't want a drink? SCOTT Okay, I'll have one. JACOB No you won't. Seth pours Scott a shot. SETH Sorry, Pops, but I'm drinkin' and I don't like drinkin' alone. Bottoms up, boy. Scott takes the drink and he, too, experiences an on-drinker's tremor. Seth turns to Kate. SETH How about you, cutie pie? Ready for round two? KATE Okay. Seth just passes her the bottle. She pours her own shot and knocks it back. RICHARD (to Seth) Hey, Dr. Frankenstein, I think you just created a monster. Jacob turns to Seth and asks quietly. JACOB Why are you so agitated? SETH I'm still stewing about that ape laying hands on me. And that fuckin' bartender sticks a weed up my ass, too. JACOB He backed down. SETH He's smilin' at us. But behind his smile, he's sayin', "Fuck you Jack." I hear that loud and clear. JACOB What are you going to do? SETH (picking up the whiskey bottle) I'm gonna just sit here and drain this bottle. And when I've drunk the last drop, if I still feel then, the way I feel now, I'm gonna take this bottle and break it over his melon head. JACOB Before we stepped in here, you told all of us to be cool. That means you, too. SETH (tossing it off) I never said do what I do, I said do what I say. JACOB Are you so much a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won? Richard, Kate and Scott both turn to Jacob. Nobody can believe what he just said. Neither can Seth who calmly lays down his drinking glass. SETH What did you call me? JACOB Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again? Very well. Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? (pause) The entire state of Texas, along with the FBI, is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. They had every entrance to the border covered. There's no way you could get across. Did you? Yes, you did. You've won, Seth, enjoy it. Seth looks at Jacob, then picks up the bottle. SETH Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist. Jacob slides his empty glass over to Seth. Seth pours booze in Jacob's glass and his own. Both men pick up the glasses. SETH To your family. JACOB To yours. They both knock 'em back and slap the empty glasses down. JACOB Now, is your shit together? SETH Forever together. Seth turns to Scott. SETH In that camper out there I saw a guitar. I take it that's yours. SCOTT Yeah, it's mine. SETH Go out and bring it in. I feel a song coming on. CUT TO: Seth sitting at the table, playing guitar, singing Mexican songs. Some bikers, truckers, and whores have gathered around their table. Everyone's groovin'. Seth finishes the song. Everybody applauds. Razor Charlie behind the bar grabs the greasy microphone that he uses to announce dancers. RAZOR CHARLIE (announcer voice in Spanish) And now for your viewing pleasure. The Mistress of the Macabre. The Epitome of Evil. The most sinister woman to dance on the face of the earth. Lowly dogs, get on your knees, bow your heads and worship at the feet of SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM! The lights go down low. A light hits the stage. The opening notes of the Coaster's "Down in Mexico" fills the room. The crowd hushes up. And on the stage steps SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM. This Mexican goddess is beautiful, but not the beauty that Stendhal described in "As the Promise of Happiness," but the beauty of the siren who lures men to their doom. She dances to the raunchy music, not like she owned the stage, but like she owned the world. And if the patrons of the Titty Twister are her world, the world is proud to be her possession. All activity in the bar, save Santanico, stops. Even the Fuller/Gecko table falls under her spell. Especially Richard, Scott and Kate. Seth knows this song and accompanies from the table with the guitar. When the music builds to its explosive section. Santanico LEAPS from the stage, LANDING in the middle of the room. She does an eyes-closed voodoo dance in perfect step with the beat. As the music continues to play, a very fucked-up looking Chet Pussy walks in. He goes over to Razor Charlie and points at Seth's table, describing what happened. As the last verse plays, Santanico, like a snake, comes up from the ground, on top of the Fuller/Gecko table. Richard, Kate and Scott are enraptured. Santanico scans the table, zeroing in on our boy Richard. She STANDS OVER him. While moving her body to the music, she lifts up the whisky bottle from the table, and pours the whiskey down her leg. She lifts up her foot, with the whiskey dripping from her toes, and sticks it in Richard's face. SANTANICO (to Richard in Spanish) Drink up. Richie, mesmerized, sucks the whiskey off her toes. The CROWD GOES WILD. Santanico smiles, master of all she surveys. Jacob and Scott are embarrassed. Kate, oddly enough, is turned on by the controlling power this woman has over a man she's deathly feared. Seth laughs out loud a Mexican "yi yi yiii" laugh, keeping the beat with his guitar. Across the room, Razor Charlie, Chet by his side, motions over Big Emilio. He begins explaining with pointing what Seth and company did to Chet. Richard continues to suck her toes. The song ends, Santanico extracts her foot from Richard's mouth. Steps off the table. Takes a drink of whiskey. Looks down at the seated Richard. She GRABS the back of his hair, YANKS his head BACK. His mouth OPENS because she's hurting him. She LEANS her FACE OVER his like she's going to kiss him. Then let's the whiskey from her mouth fall into his. They never touch. The crowd applauds. She lets go of Richard's hair. Except for Jacob and Richard, both for their own reasons, the table applauds, none louder than Seth. SETH Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Now that's what I call a fuckin' show! One of Santanico's FLUNKIES brings the naked woman a robe, which she puts on. Richard, still in a daze, looks up at his new friend. SETH (snapping his fingers) Earth to Richie. Don't you wanna ask your new friend to join us? RICHARD Yeah. SETH Well, then ask her, dumb ass. RICHARD (looking up at Santanico) Por favor, Senorita. Would you care to join us? SANTANICO (to Richard) Muy bien, gracias. Santanico sits down next to Richie. Seth pours her a drink. SETH Richie, you lucky bastard! (to Santanico) Now, little lady, you could of just as easily done that to me. Who a Nelly! You got my dick harder 'n Chinese arithmetic. The table laughs. SETH Which reminds me of a joke. Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and she comes across Little Bo Peep, and Little Bo Peep says: "Little Red Riding Hood, are you crazy? Don't you know the Big Bad Wolf is walking these woods and if he finds you he's gonna pull down your dress and squeeze your titties?" Then Little Red Riding Hood hitches up her skirt and taps a .357 Magnum she has holstered on her thigh and says: "No he won't." As Seth tells his joke, Jacob notices Razor Charlie, Big Emilio and Chet moving rapidly towards their table. JACOB (to himself) Oh, shit. (to Seth) Seth -- Seth waves him away. SETH Not now. So finally she comes across the Big Bad Wolf and the Big Bad Wolf's laughing and says: "Little Red Riding Hood, you know better than to be walking around these woods alone. You know I'm just gonna have to pull down your dress and squeeze your titties." Then Little Red Riding Hood whips out her .357, cocks it, sticks it in the Big Bad Wolf's face and says: "No you won't. You're gonna eat me, just like the story says." Seth starts laughing at his own joke uproariously. Richard, Kate, Scott and Santanico join in too. Before Jacob can say anything -- The Titty Twister trio stand over the table. RAZOR CHARLIE (to Chet in Spanish) Which one? CHET (pointing at Seth) This piece of shit broke my finger and my nose... (pointing at Richard) then this fag kicked me in the ribs while I was down. That's all Big Emilio has to hear. BIG EMILIO (to The Gecko Brothers) Up! RICHARD Fuck off, ape man! Big Emilio leans in with his beefy hand, GRABS Richard by the shoulder. Richard lets out a howl as blood pours from his wounded shoulder. Santanico steps back from the table. Seth jumps to his feet and FIRES a round from his .45 into Big Emilio, sending his bullet-ridden body to the floor. Razor Charlie whips out a straight version of his name sake and SLASHES Seth across the face. Seth SCREAMS at the top of his lungs as his hand goes up to his laid open cheek. Richard, who has fallen to the ground holding his wound, brings up his .45 and starts BLASTING. Razor Charlie takes a bullet in the head, chest and belly before he hits the floor. Jacob and his children have hit the floor as well to stay out of gunfire. The bikers, truckers, waitresses and whores all stop what they were doing. The music continues to play, though the dancers stop dancing. Santanico, who's closest to the two brothers, smells something. Her NOSTRILS FLARE. Richard moves to his brother, who takes out a handkerchief and puts it to his face. RICHARD How are you? SETH Scarred for life, that's how I am! Seth looks up and sees Chet still standing there. SETH You thought it was pretty funny, didn't you? Both brothers FIRE on Chet. Chet's blown left... right... left... right... then drops, pointing their guns towards the crowd. SETH Everybody be cool, or you'll be just as dead as these fucks! SLOW MOTION: Blood drips down the side of Seth's face. SLOW MOTION: It splatters to the floor. The CAMERA scans the crowd. The patrons are scared, but the waitresses, whores and dancers lick their lips. SLOW MOTION: Blood drips from Richard's shoulder. It falls to the floor, splattering. WE MOVE INTO SANTANICO'S FACE. A special aroma fills her nostrils. Her eyes lock on Richard. The look on her face could easily be read as intense sexual desire. CLOSE-UP KATE ON FLOOR Looks up and watches, eyes wide with fear, Santanico's transformation. Her NOSE RECEDES INTO her face like a rodent's. The whites of her eyes turn YELLOW. The FANGS of a beast PROTRUDE from her mouth. Kate yells from the floor. KATE (yelling) Richie, look out! Before Richie can turn around. SANTANICO LEAPS ACROSS THE FLOOR, LANDS on his BACK and SINKS her FANGS into Richie's wounded SHOULDER. Richard LETS LOOSE with an agonizing SCREAM. Seth turns to his brother's cry. He sees SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM, like a mongoose attached to a cobra, legs wrapped around Richard's waist, fangs buried deep in his shoulder, and Richard screaming and slamming about, trying to knock her off. Richard screams to Seth: RICHARD Shoot her! Shoot her! Get her off! Seth tries to aim his gun, but there's too much movement. He can't get a clear shot. Jacob and his children can't believe what they're seeing. Richard can't take it anymore, his knees buckle. Santanico rides him down to the floor. Seth gets a clear shot, he takes aim and FIRES, hitting the vamp in the head, blowing her off his brother. Richard, who's on all fours, tries to stand and gets about half way before he stops, saying: RICHARD (with his dying breath) Fucking Bitch! He tumbles over, a corpse. SETH Richie. Suddenly, the eyes of Big Emilio, Razor Charlie and Chet Pussy pop open. The "dead" men sit up with evil grins on their faces. The patrons scream. A WHORE locks the front door (which is a complicated lock with steel rods going into the ground), turns toward the bar and yells: WHORE Dinner is served! The bikers and truckers who have been transfixed, watching the impossible, realize that the waitresses, naked dancers and whores who they were pawing just five minutes ago, have turned into yellow-eyed, razor-fanged, drool-dripping VAMPIRES. The vamps attack. What follows is a shark feeding frenzy. Whores, who had been sitting on customer's laps, sink their teeth into unshaven necks. Naked strippers and bikers wail the shit out of each other. Truckers get their heads caved in by women half their size. The patrons use what ever they can find to fend off the monsters: chairs, chair legs, broken bottles, switchblades, anything. Jacob, Kate and Scott make a dash and dive behind the bar. They hide and watch. Seth stands where his was, limp dick of a .45 in his hand, too freaked, scared and stunned to do anything. He stands motionless, watching what he can't believe. Behind him, Santanico, who lies next to the dead Richard, eyes POP OPEN. She RISES in her snake/dance way. Seth feels her and SPINS in her direction, gun raised. SANTANICO Let's see if you taste as good as your brother. She approaches Seth, who FIRES at her. BAM... BAM... BAM... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK. She laughs and gives her hair a toss back. Seth, moving backwards, is terrified. Santanico gives Seth a SWINGING ROUND HOUSE PUNCH to the JAW, that sends him FLYING over a table, SLIDING ACROSS the FLOOR and INTO the WALL. A bad-ass biker named FROST, with a hideous burn on the side of his face, stands on top of a pool table, swinging a pool cue, left to right, fending off vamps. Big Emilio picks up a biker who stabbed him with a switchblade and throws the poor bastard from one end of the bar to the other. The biker-winner of the bare knuckle fight, SEX MACHINE, goes head to head with a stripper. The vamp might have superhuman strength, but Sex Machine has close to superhuman strength, and he's matching the vamp bitch blow for blow. Then he GRABS her by the waist, LIFTS her up over his head and BRINGS her DOWN HARD on an upturned table, IMPALING her on the wooden leg. FROST is still swinging his POOL CUE, when Razor Charlie appears, straight razor in hand. Frost JUMPS off the table to meet the challenge. Razor Charlie SWINGS at him, Frost LEAPS back, SWINGING his pool cue at him. They do this dance, till Frost CRACKS Charlie UPSIDE the HEAD with the pool cue, breaking it in half. Charlie FEELS the HIT. Frost PLUNGES the splintered end of the cue in Razor Charlie's heart. Green blood comes out of his chest, as Charlie screams the vampire's death scream. Seth comes to and finds Santanico standing over him. He tries to rise, but Santanico places her bare foot on his chest, pinning him down to the floor. He tries to move, but the pressure of her foot is equivalent to an engine block placed on his chest. SANTANICO I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me, You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery. SLOW MOTION: A WHISKEY BOTTLE FLIES THROUGH the AIR, sailing end over end. CLOSE-UP SANTANICO looking down at Seth, her face contorts to FEED MODE, when the bottle HITS her SQUARE in the HEAD, SHATTERING. We see that Jacob behind the bar threw it. Santanico, bathed in whiskey and broken glass, is momentarily dazed. She looks down at Seth. Seth sits up, .45 in hand, and fires. Santanico is HIT in the CHEST. The bullet from the gun makes the liquor-soaked robe ignite. Santanico SCREAMS as she GOES UP IN FLAMES. Big Emilio sees Santanico's fiery death. He lets out a cry. BIG EMILIO Noooooo! He turns his hateful gaze on the two humans. Seth and Jacob see Big Emilio zeroing in on them, then they see him move his big frame in their direction. Seth turns to Jacob. SETH We may be in trouble. Big Emilio walks steadily through the bar like Godzilla walks through Tokyo. Tipping over tables, knocking fighting vamps and humans alike on their asses on his way to stamp out Seth and Jacob. A TRUCKER JUMPS in his path to attack him, with a QUICK SWING of his hand the trucker is brushed aside, receiving a broken neck for the effort. Big Emilio never breaks his stride or takes his eyes off Seth and Jacob. Seth and Jacob both grab pieces of wood, holding it like a weapon, but the wood looks puny compared to their opponent. Big Emilio stands in front of them. The two men hold their wood tight. Fangs grow in Big Emilio's mouth that make him look like a huge walking shark. Just when Big Emilio's ready to strike, he hears behind him, VOICE (O.S.) Hey, you, monkey man! Big Emilio turns and sees Sex Machine across the room. SEX MACHINE Anything you gotta say to them, say to me first. Both Seth and Jacob ATTACK Big Emilio from behind. He effortlessly knocks them away. They both hit the ground. Sex Machine gestures with his hand to Big Emilio to "come ahead." Big Emilio CHARGES towards Sex Machine, like a runaway locomotive. Sex Machine stands his ground waiting for IMPACT. The two huge men COLLIDE. What follows is literally a war of the Gargantuans. The two mastiffs POUND each other till one buckles. Finally, the one who buckles first is Big Emilio, who HITS the floor. Once on the floor, Seth and Jacob, stand over the huge vamp, BEATING him with clubs and pipes, like L.A.'s finest. The vamp can do nothing except SQUIRM on the floor from the savage beating. SEX MACHINE That's enough. Jacob and Seth stop. Sex Machine holds a pool cue in his hand. He SNAPS off the end tip, making it jagged, and like a spear, STICKS it into big vamp's fallen body. Big Emilio, SCREAMS, TWITCHES and dies. The pool cue sticks out straight up from the dead vamp. Chet Pussy spies Ms. Apple Pie Pussy herself, Kate. He breaks into a lecherous grin and licks the blood from around his mouth. Kate and Scott are cowering behind the bar when Chet appears over the top. They both let out a scream. Scott goes to protect his sister and receives a punch in the face for his trouble. Chet dives at Kate. CHET You know what everybody says about me? I suck! Chet goes to bite Kate, grabbing at her t-shirt, and sees her crucifix. HE recoils backwards. Scott grabs hold of his head from behind. Kate jumps up from the floor, rips off her cross and grabs Chet by his beatnik beard, opening his mouth. She SHOVES the cross inside. Chet's eyes roll up back into his head. Scott SLAPS Chet hard on the back. GULP. Chet has swallowed the crucifix. A SIZZLING sound is heard moving down from his throat to his belly. He opens his mouth and lets out a noise similar to a train whistle. He jumps up from behind the bar, doing a wild dance from pain. He jumps from wall to wall and floor to ceiling, screaming all the while. Kate and Scott watch him from the bar, mischievous grins on their faces. Chet is on his knees, arms stretched out, yelling at the top of his lungs like a vamp King Lear. CHET I-AM-IN-AGONNNYYYY! Chet breaks off a chair leg, muttering to himself. CHET Stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain... He plunges the stake into his own heart, but instead of the vampire's cry that escapes from the others upon being staked, Chet lets out a sigh of relief. By this time there are not too many people left. Most of the vampire have been killed by wooden stakes and most of the customers have been butchered or drained. All that's left on the vampire side are two naked dancers and two whores. On the human side are Seth, Jacob and his kids, Sex Machine and Frost. Aside from the children, who are hiding behind the bar, all the humans are holding wooden stakes. The four human men group together. The four female vampires charge, teeth exposed, snarling and dripping with blood. Seth, Jacob, Sex Machine and Frost raise their weapons and slam, almost simultaneously, the four vamps. All four staked bodies hit the floor. Kate and Scott run from behind the bar to their father's side. They all stand looking at the horrible carnage that has taken place. The floor is littered with dead bodies. FROST Ain't they supposed to burn up or something? At that moment a bright flash ERUPTS, illuminating everyone's face. The sound of quick burning flames fills the air. Everybody shields their eyes from the intense light, which lasts only a split second. It vanishes, along with the bodies of the vampires. All that remains is a smoldering mess of goo where the bodies once lay. They all stare at the mess for a few seconds and then RUN for the door. It's locked. They BANG on the door, but it's useless. It ain't budging, yet they all go on banging. Except for Seth. He never ran for the door. He walks over to his dead brother's body and kneels beside it. He takes his dead hand. SETH Richie, I'm sorry I fucked things up. You'd really like it in El Ray. We'd find peace there. I love you little brother, I'll miss ya bad. Seth goes to kiss his brother's lips when, RICHARD 'S EYES POP OPEN. They're YELLOW. Seth RAISES his head in surprise. RICHARD I'm glad you feel that way, Seth. I love you, too. Richard GRABS Seth by the front of his shirt and pulls him down to him. Fangs are now exposed. Seth tries to pull away. He SCREAMS for the others to help. Richard PULLS Seth down to striking distance and opens his mouth to take the big bite, when Sex Machine grabs Seth from behind and YANKS him from Richard's grasp. Jacob, Frost and the kids have surrounded Richard and proceed to KICK him and STOMP his head. Sex Machine picks up a chair and SMASHES it against a wall. He picks up one of the chair legs and walks over to where the others are holding Richard down. Richard sees the wood in the biker's hand. He knows what that means. Seth whips out his .45 and points it at Sex Machine. SETH Touch my brother with that stake, biker, and vampires won't need to suck your blood, they'll be able to lick it up off the floor. SEX MACHINE He ain't your brother no more. SETH That's a matter of opinion, and I don't give a fuck about your's. Jacob, Frost and the kids continue to hold Richard down to the ground. JACOB Don't be an idiot, he'll kill us all! Seth aims his gun at the group. SETH Shut up! Richard's giggling. RICHARD Yeah, shut up. Seth, still holding the outstretched gun, takes the stake out of Sex Machine's hand. Seth lowers the .45. SETH Hold him down. The smile evaporates from Richard's face. SETH Richie, here's the peace in death I could never give you in life. Seth puts the stake over Richard's heart. Using the butt of his .45 like a hammer, he POUNDS the stake into Richard's heart. Richard screams and dies. They all stand around the body as it BURSTS INTO FLAMES and disintegrates into goo. Seth breaks away from the group and walks over to the bar. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and starts downing it. Kate, of all people, walks away from the group and joins Seth at the bar. KATE Are you okay? SETH Peachy! Why shouldn't I be? The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory. KATE I'm really sorry. SETH Bullshit! You hate us. If you had half a chance you'd feed us to them! JACOB Then why didn't I? Jacob walks over to Seth. JACOB I saved your life. I didn't have to, but I did. And I'm sorry you lost your brother. I'm sorry he's dead. I'm sorry everybody's dead. Now, if we're gonna get out of this we need each other. And we need you sober and thinking, not drunk and... As Jacob has been talking, a sound has started that has grown LOUDER and LOUDER. Jacob stops in mid-sentence to identify it. JACOB What the hell is that? FROST At first I just thought it was birds. SEX MACHINE No, it's more of a gnawing sound. Birds peck, they don't gnaw. Rats gnaw. Seth puts the bottle in his hand down. SETH It's bats. EXT. TITTY TWISTER - NIGHT The outside of the Titty Twister is literally covered with hats, CLAWING, FLAPPING, GNAWING, trying like hell to get inside. INT. TITTY TWISTER - NIGHT Everybody listens to the bats SCRATCHING and clawing all along the walls, the roof and at the front door. Everyone's scared shitless and nobody has the slightest idea what to do next. The door begins to crack and splinter, little claws poke their way through. JACOB Give me a hand! Jacob runs to a table top. He grabs it and covers the area the bats are trying to claw through. The others grab other items to help secure and barricade the door. As the survivors are panickedly boarding up the door and the windows, a DEAD BIKER that the vampires fed on, pops open his yellow eyes. He sits up and sees all the furious activity. Everyone's so busy they don't notice their new friend. The dead biker vamp sets his sights on Kate, who's putting a board into place. He springs to his feet and POUNCES on her, just as Sex Machine turns from across the room in her direction. SEX MACHINE Watch out, girly! The biker vamp GRABS Kate from behind. She lets out a scream. The vamp holds her close to him in a bear hug, but she's moving around so much he can't get a clear bite. The others hear the scream and look toward Kate. Sex Machine, Big Emilio's baseball bat in hand, is halfway to the rescue. As the biker vamp opens his mouth to take a juicy bite out of Kate's shoulder, Kate RAMS her head back, hitting the vamp in the mouth and breaking his fangs. He releases her and spits out his teeth just as Sex Machine runs up and SWINGS the baseball bat upside the vamp's head, breaking the bat in two and sending the vamp to the floor. As the vamp lies on the floor seeing stars, Sex Machine grabs one of the broken ends of the bat and SHOVES it in the vamp's heart. He dies and bursts into flames. At that point, three other dead victims rise to a sitting position. Sex Machine grabs a chair and THROWS it to the ground, breaking it. He grabs the four legs. SEX MACHINE (mumbling to himself) Goddamn fuckin' vampires. The biker has turned into Captain Sex Machine, Vampire Hunter. He stakes two of the vampires as they get to their feet. Both SPEW green blood, scream, die and burst into flames. The third, a trucker vampire wearing a cat cap, SMACKS Sex Machine in the mouth, which sends the biker for a loop. As CAT CAP runs toward the fallen Sex Machine, Kate JUMPS on his back from behind. Both of them go tumbling into a stack of whiskey cases. Sex Machine runs over and grabs Kate by the hand, pulling her up and out of the way. Cat Cap is lying in a pile of broken bottles and whiskey. Sex Machine raises his stake as Cat Cap dies and DRIVES it in the vamp's black heart. Cat Cap dies and bursts into flames, which hits the whiskey, starting a giant fire. SEX MACHINE Fire! Frost and Jacob stop barricading and run to the fire. FROST (to Sex Machine) We'll put this out. You stake the rest of these fuckers. SEX MACHINE Way ahead of ya. (to Kate) What's your name, girly? KATE Kate, what's yours? SEX MACHINE Sex Machine. Pleased to meet'cha. Kate, let's stake these blood-sucker fuckers. Kate and Sex Machine give each other a high five and go to work STAKING the dead bodies. Jacob and FROST beat down the fire with their jackets and whatever else is at hand. A hole begins to appear where a window had been plastered over. Little claws scrape their way through. Scott stands in front of the window. SCOTT (yelling) We got a problem! Seth, who is barricading doors and window, looks in Scott's direction. The hole in the plaster cracks open and out POPS a little, fleshy vampire bat/rat head. The bat/rat, which is SQUEAKING and HISSING its head off, tries to SQUEEZE its body through the newly formed hole. Seth, gun in hand, RUNS to the window. He points the .45, point-blank range at the head of the bat/rat. The bat/rat sees this, makes an "oh shit" face, and YANKS his head back through the hole. Seth was ready to fire, he lowers his gun in bewilderment, when... WHAM ! The bat/rat BURSTS through the hole, like shot out of a cannon, HITTING Seth in the gut and sending him FLYING, LANDING HARD on his back. Once Seth hits the ground, the bat-thing (which has the body of a fat rat with a bat's large wingspan) lickity-split RUNS UP Seth's body to his juggler. Seth's hand GRABS the bat's neck, and tries to PUSH it away. But the bat-thing has its CLAWS DUG in Seth's clothes. The bat-thing is just inches from Seth's face. Its mouth is SNAPPING. SETH Get this bastard off of me! Frost leaves Jacob with the fire, comes from behind and GRABS the bat-thing and YANKS it off of Seth. Sex Machine and Kate are a green, bloody mess from their preventative staking of dead bodies. Sex Machine kneels by a dead body, raising the stake in his hand to spear him. The body SPRINGS UP and bites Sex Machine on the arm. Red blood squirts all over. Sex Machine screams, then brings the stake down in the body's chest. It dies, burns and turns into goo. Sex Machine holds his bit arm and wraps it with a piece of his shirt. He quickly looks around to see if anybody saw him get bit. Nobody saw it, everybody was too busy. Frost holds the FLAPPING, FIGHTING, SNAPPING bat-thing in front of him at arm's length. He struggles with it for a while, then... BASHES its head against the bar. The first bash takes some fight out of the little fucker, so... Frost BASHES his head against the bar six or seven times. He then THROWS the bat-thing on the bar, turns it over, garbs a pencil in a cup next to the register, and RAMS it in the bat-thing's heart. The bat-thing coughs and dies. There's a FLASH of FLAMES, followed by a pile of goo. Sex Machine and Kate have covered up a hole in the plastered window with a table while Frost, Scott and Seth wrestle with the bat-thing. Jacob has put out the fire. Everybody comes together, exhausted, and takes a breather. Outside, the bats continue to try and claw their way in. JACOB Is everybody okay? Everyone mutters "yeah." JACOB Okay, does anybody here know what's going on? SETH Yeah, I know what's going on. We got a bunch of fuckin' vampires outside trying to get inside and suck our fuckin' blood! That's it, plain and simple. And I don't wanna hear any bullshit about "I don't believe in vampires" because I don't fuckin' believe in vampires either. But I do believe in my own two fuckin' eyes, and with my two eyes I saw fuckin' vampires! Now, does everybody agree we're dealin' with vampires. Everybody agrees. SETH You too, preacher? JACOB I'm like you. I don't believe in vampires, but I believe in what I saw. SETH Good for you. Now, since we all believe we're dealing with vampires, what do we know about vampires? Crosses hurt vampires. Do you have a cross? JACOB In the Winnebago. SETH In other words, no. SCOTT What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross. SEX MACHINE He's right. Peter Cushing does that all the time. SETH I don't know about that. In order for it to have any power, I think it's gotta be an official crucifix. JACOB What's an official cross? Some piece of tin made in Taiwan? What makes that official? If a cross works against vampires, it's not the cross itself, it's what the cross represents. The cross is a symbol of holiness. SETH Okay, I'll buy that. So we got crosses covered, moving right along, what else? FROST Wooden stakes in the heart been workin' pretty good so far. SEX MACHINE Garlic, holy water, sunlight... I forget, does silver do anything to a vampire? SCOTT That's werewolves. SEX MACHINE I know silver bullets are werewolves. But I'm pretty sure silver has some sort of effect on vampires. KATE Does anybody have any silver? ALL No. KATE Then who cares? SCOTT When's sunrise? Jacob looks at his watch. JACOB About two hours from now. KATE So all we have to do is get by for a few more hours and then we can walk right out the front door. SEX MACHINE Yeah, that's true, but I doubt our barricades, that door, those plastered windows and these walls will last two more hours with those bat fucks fuckin' with 'em. JACOB Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book. SEX MACHINE You mean like a Time-Life book? Everybody laughs. FROST (in a cowboy voice) John Wesley Hardin, so mean he once shot a man for snorin'. JACOB I take it the answer's no. Okay then, what do we know about these vampires? SETH Aside from they're thirsty. FROST Well, one thing, they might got super human strength, but you can hurt 'em. JACOB Yeah, that bottle upside the head of Santanico didn't kill her, but it didn't feel too good either. SEX MACHINE Another thing, you try and ram a broken chair leg in a human, you better be one strong son-of-a-bitch. The human body is one rough-tough machine. But these vamps got soft bodies. The texture of their skin is softer, mushier. You can push shit right through 'em. Conceivably, if you hit one hard enough, you could take their fuckin' head off. SCOTT You could take their head off. SETH Actually, our best weapon against these satanic cocksuckers is this man. (he points at Jacob) He's a preacher. Frost and Sex Machine look toward Jacob. SETH As far as God's concerned, we might just as well be a piece of fuckin' shit. But he's one of the boys. Only one problem, his faith ain't what it used to be. Jacob PUNCHES Seth in the mouth, sending him to the floor. Jacob stands over him. JACOB I've had enough of your taunts. Seth looks up from the floor. SETH I'm not taunting you. We need you. A faithless preacher doesn't mean shit to us. But a man who's a servant of God can grab a cross, shove it in these monsters' asses. A servant of God can bless the tap water and turn it into a weapon. Seth rises. SETH I know why you lost your faith. How could true holiness exist if your wife can be taken away from you and your children? Now, I always said God can kiss my fuckin' ass. Well, I changed my lifetime tune about thirty minutes ago' cause I know, without a doubt, what's out there trying to get in here is pure evil straight from hell. And if there is a hell, and those monsters are from it, there's got to be a heaven. Now which are you, a faithless preacher or a mean, mother fuckin' servant of God? Jacob has to laugh at that. So does everybody else. Jacob sticks out his hand and shakes Seth's. JACOB I'm a mean, mother fucking servant of God. The laughter and good humor passes quickly and the only sound to be heard is that of the bats gnawing and clawing. It immediately reminds the group of the deep, deep shit they're in. KATE I don't know if I can take two hours of that noise. FROST You can. You'll take it 'cause ya got no choice. How'd ya like twenty four hours of it, lying in a muddy ditch with only the rotting corpses of your friends to keep you company? JACOB What are you talking about? FROST Back in '72 I was in Nam, trapped behind enemy lines, lying in a rat hole with my entire squad dead. They thought they killed everybody, and except for me, they were right. But it wasn't for lack of trying. A grenade blew up right next to me, that's why I'm so pretty. They thought I was dead, so I played dead. They dumped all the bodies in a ditch. All I could do was lie there playing possum. Dead bodies under me, dead bodies on top of me, listening to the enemy laugh and joke hour after hour after hour... As Frost goes into his monologue, the sound fades out and the camera moves to Sex Machine. He's having a hot flash. He can't hear anything. He's looking at Frost speaking, but he doesn't hear any sound. Then he hears a deep, MALE VOICE say: MALE VOICE (V.O.) Thirst. "Who the fuck was that?" he thinks to himself. He turns around: nobody's there. No one else in the group seems to hear it, A FEMALE VOICE seductively says: FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) Thirst. We hear Sex Machine's thought in a voice answer. SEX MACHINE (V.O.) Stop fucking saying that! TWO MALE VOICES (V.O.) Thirst! SEX MACHINE (V.O.) That bite weren't nothin'. It just hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, that's all. It barely punched the skin. Sex Machine looks at Frost, who's acting out his story. The biker is pantomiming fighting and slashing. He's describing all the while, but we can't hear anything. All we hear are many voices, male, female, children saying: VOICES (V.O.) Thirst... Thirst... Thirst... Sex Machine begins looking at the other members of the group in a thirsty way. He stares at each of their necks, closer and closer until he can see the veins on Frost's neck actually pulsating, throbbing, beckoning to him. Sex Machine has turned into a vampire. The sound comes back as Frost finishes his story. FROST ...and then when I came back to my senses, I realized I had killed the entire V.C. squadron single handedly. My bayonet had blood and chunks of yellow flesh on it like some cannibal shish kabob. And to this day I don't have the slightest idea how I -- Sex Machine lets out a hideous cry. SEX MACHINE THIRST! Frost SCREAMS as Sex Machine grabs hold of him and BITES into his neck. The group tries to PULL the TWO men apart. Jacob gets his arm around Sex Machine's neck and tries pulling. Sex Machine takes his teeth out of the biker's neck and SINKS them in Jacob's arm. Jacob SCREAMS and lets go. Seth, Kate and Scott react to Jacob being bit. Sex Machine GRABS Jacob and TOSSES him effortlessly over the bar, CRASHING into a shelf full of liquor bottles. Frost HOPS around the room, mad as a hornet, holding his bleeding neck. FROST I been bit! He fuckin' bit me! Sex Machine PUNCHES Seth in the face, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. He smacks the shit out of Kate. She goes FLYING into a table. Sex Machine turns, seeing Frost breaking off a big table leg. Frost looks at the big vamp. FROST (to Sex Machine) You're dead, mother fucker! You're gonna bite me! You just turned me into a vampire, asshole! SEX MACHINE What are you gonna do about it? Frost, table leg in hand, RUNS, SCREAMING his head off, straight at Sex Machine. Sex Machine's nostrils flare. He raises his meaty fist and pulls it back, so he can really haul off. Frost, top speed, stake raised, screaming. Sex Machine lets loose with his punch, Seth, Scott and Kate look up from the floor. Jacob rises from behind the bar. Frost's face COLLIDES with Sex Machine's fist. Sex Machine hits Frost so hard it lifts the biker off the ground and propels him through the air. Seth sees where Frost is heading and says: SETH Oh shit! Jacob sees. JACOB Good lord! Frost, in mid-air, HITS the barricaded, plastered overwindow and CRASHES through it. Sex Machine lets loose with a maniacal laugh. Hundreds of bat-things fly into the bar. Seth grabs the two kids by the hand and runs for the backroom. Behind the bar, Jacob grabs two pieces of wood from off the ground. Ten bat-things are in hot pursuit of Seth, Kate and Scott, who are RUNNING for their lives. They get to the door of the back room, whip it open, dive in and SLAM it behind them. An ugly, fleshy bat-thing manges to get its head caught in the door as it closes. Kate and Scott PUSH on the door as hard as they can. The bat-thing's head, which is inside, screams, howls and snaps in fury. Seth turns toward the bat/vamp in the door. He sticks his .45 in its big mouth. SETH You wanna suck something, suck on this! He FIRES four shots that blow the bat vamp's head all over the wall. Kate yells: KATE We have to go back for Daddy! SETH Daddy's dead. KATE Noooo! She spins and grabs the door knob, ready to fling the door and help her father. Scott grabs her and pushes her up against the wall. SCOTT He's right, Kate. Daddy's dead! He was too far away. If flinging that door and filling this room with those bat-things would save him, I'd fling it. The only thing it'll do is turn us into one of them. SETH He needs our help! SCOTT He's beyond our help. You saw him get bit. I saw him get bit. We all saw it. You can't help him. I've got no one left to lose but you. I can't be alone again. We're sticking together. Just then they hear Jacob's voice BOOMING from the bar room. INT. BAR ROOM - NIGHT Jacob, holding a cross made out of two sticks and reciting appropriate verse from the bible, is keeping the vampires at bay. But, as Seth predicted, it is the shining power of his restored faith that is his mightiest weapon. Jacob is making his way through the vampires, toward the back door. A lot of the bats have transformed into bat/devil/human creatures. The creatures stand at the edge of Jacob's force field of holiness. Many bat things fly around the bar like mad, whirling dervishes. A cluster of bat-things over above and in front of Jacob. They all growl and hiss at the man of god. For every one step forward Jacob takes, the vampire stake one step back. Jacob recites the verse from the bible in a threatening, mean, mother fucking, servant of god tone. As he speaks with authority and strength, he sees Frost lying on the ground, bat-things on him like ants on a candy bar. But Jacob is too much in control to let even this repugnant sight trip him up. Jacob has backed himself up by the door. JACOB Open the door. The door FLIES open. Jacob jumps inside. The door SLAMS shut. Jacob hugs daughter and son. As he hugs them, we see his bloody arm. When he releases them, they can't help but notice. SETH Did he...? JACOB Yep. Seth explodes, knocking over boxes, busting chairs, tipping over tables and cussing a blue streak. SETH Fuck, piss, shit! Mother fuckin' vampires! Mother fuckin' vampires! Goddamn mother fuckin' vampires! Seth runs over to the barricaded door and yells to the creatures on the other side. SETH You all are gonna fuckin' die! I'm gonna fuckin' kill every last one of you godless pieces of shit! JACOB (to Seth) You bet your sweet ass you are, and I'm gonna help you do it. But we ain't got much time. Kate is crying, she knows what's happened to her father. KATE You're gonna be okay, aren't you, daddy? JACOB No, I'm not. I've been bit. In effect, I'm already dead. Scott and Kate, crying, grab their father and hold on for dear life. Jacob wants to cry, but if he breaks down, the kids will never have the courage for what they must do. JACOB (to his children) Children, listen to me. I love you two more than anybody. And I just want you to know you've made me proud all your lives. But never more so than tonight. And I wish we could sit here and cry till I pass on, but we can't. Because I'm not going to pass on. I'm going to turn into a monster. And when I do, I'm going to be dangerous. But before that happens, just know I love you. (to Seth and the kids) Now, I'd say in the next twenty or thirty minutes our friends outside will bust in this door. And I'll probably turn into a vampire within the hour. Now, you have two choices. You can wait for me to turn, then deal with me, then wait for them to burst inside here and the three of you will deal with them. Or, we can kick open that door and the four of us can hit 'em with everything we have, and carve a path right through 'em to front entrance. But if we're gonna go at 'em, we gotta go at 'em now. I confused them, I scared them, I took them off guard. But they're going to get unconfused, they're going to get unscared, they're going to get together and they're going to hit that door like a ton of bricks. And when that moment arrives, we gotta be ready. Jacob sees that the back room is pretty damn big and filled with boxes and crates. JACOB What's this stuff? SETH My guess is that this little dive's been feeding on nomad road waifs like bikers and truckers for a longtime. This is probably some of the shipments they stole off the trucks. JACOB Well, I say lets tear this place apart for weapons. So when they burst through that door, we'll make 'em wish they never did. SETH I don't give a shit about living or dying anymore. I just want to send as many of these devils back to hell as I can. JACOB Amen. MONTAGE The survivors are opening boxes and prying open crates. A lot of what they find is bullshit. Pantyhose, coffee, teddy bears, etc. But a few of the boxes are just what the doctor ordered. Cases from a sporting good supplier yield a shipment of baseball bats. Meant to arrive at toy stores are a shipment of Uzi replica squirt guns and a box of balloons. And captured en route to a hardware store are shipments of power tools, saws and jack hammers. Seth and Scott saw the bats into wooden stakes. Kate fills the Uzi squirt guns with tap water from the backroom sink. Jacob, with Seth's knife, etches a cross into every bullet in the .45 automatic's last full clip of ammo. Vampires all start converging on the back room door, getting their courage back. Kate makes water balloons. Scott sharpens the stakes to a point with the tools. Seth attaches a wooden stake to the end of a jackhammer. Jacob blesses the water in the squirt guns and balloons, turning it into holy water. Our heroes work together, preparing for the battle to come. The back room door, barricaded with crates and boxes, begins to be pounded on by the undead on the other side. The room tone is a combination of chewing, scratching, pounding, squeaking and screaming. Finally they're ready. Jacob turns to his kids. JACOB Before we go any further, I need you three to promise me something. I'll fight with you to the bitter end, but when I turn into one of them, I won't be Jacob anymore. I'll be a lap dog of Satan. I want you three to promise you'll take me down, no different from the rest. The kids can't say the words. SETH I promise. JACOB Kate, Scott? KATE I promise. JACOB Scott? SCOTT Yeah, I promise. Jacob doesn't believe them. JACOB Why don't I believe you? (he picks up the .45) I'm gonna ask you two again, then I want you to swear to God that you'll kill me. If you don't, I'm gonna just kill myself right now. Now, since you need me I think you better swear. Kate, do you swear to God that when I turn into one of the undead, you'll kill me? Kate doesn't answer. Jacob places the .45 barrel against his temple. JACOB Kate, we don't have all day, so I'm only gonna count to five. One...two... three... four... KATE Okay, okay, I promise I'll do it! JACOB Not good enough, swear to God. KATE I swear to God, our father, that when you change into one of the undead, I will kill you. JACOB Good girl. Now, Scott, we have even less time, so I'm only giving you the count of three. One... SCOTT You don't believe in suicide. JACOB It's not suicide if you're already dead. Two... SCOTT Okay, I'll kill you when you change, I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name. JACOB Thank you, son. SETH Okay, vampire killers, let's kill some fuckin' vampires. INT. BARROOM - NIGHT The vampires, bat-things and what have you, start BREAKING down the door. They are in a mad frenzy. They burst through the door. Waiting for them are Scott and Kate holding Uzi squirt guns and water balloons draped down their chests on a belt like grenades. Jacob is holding a cross made of sharp wooden stakes and the .45 with the cross bullets. Seth is holding the jackhammer. The survivors walk out of the back room into the bar. The vamps back up, letting them inside. What we have here is a Mexican standoff, a la "The Wild Bunch." A moment of peace before the battle. The vamps just watch the humans. The humans just watch the vamps. Then, like the bull in the china shop, Seth ends the peace by starting up the jackhammer. SETH Kill 'em all! Jacob holds up the cross, the vamps react. The kids SPRAY the crowd with UZI fire, burning vampire flesh. The pack of vamps retreat while the Fuller squad walk forward. They are attacked on all sides, but they keep moving towards the door. Seth slams the stakes into several of the vamps, it speeds in and out of vampire chests, each time spraying him in green vamp blood. Jacob shoves his cross stake into a vampire with one hand and SHOOTS three vampires with blessed bullets with the other. Flame BURSTS from the vampires' chests when the bullets hit. Kate and Scott both whip water balloons off their belts and toss them into the crowd. They burst and FRY several of the vamps, who fall, screaming in pain. From its perch on a wood ceiling beam, a bat-thing drops and HURLS toward the group. Jacob sees it, raises his gun and FIRES. The bat-thing bursts into a ball of screaming fire. Seth continues carving a path to the front door by slamming the hammer stake into vampire chests. The front door is barricaded again by a big table and other junk. SCOTT (yelling) Why did they block the door again? JACOB (yelling) To keep the daylight out! This is where they sleep! Get to the door! Seth tries to get to the front door, when Sex Machine, now a half bat, half devil vamp, about six foot seven, drops from above in front of him. Seth RAMS the stake in its chest. The Sex Machine-thing screams out, LIFTING the hammer and Seth off the ground. Seth is thrown from his hold on the hammer across the room, he CRASHES into a table. The Sex Machine-thing falls back with the jackhammer sticking out of his chest, dead. Kate, spraying Uzi fire like Rambo, sees Seth fall. She screams: KATE Seth! Seth quickly gets up to find himself surrounded by vampires on all sides. With no weapons, he puts up on dukes. SETH Okay, dead boys, come on! Take a bite and feel all right! Kate clusters with her father and Scott. KATE (yelling) I'm going for 'em! JACOB No! KATE Everybody goes home! Kate turns into a squirt gun firing, water-balloon throwing, one-woman army, as she breaks from her father and heads in Seth's direction. KATE (screaming) Die, monster, die! Die, monster, die! Kate mows down the group by Seth, they lie on the floor, burning in agony. Kate takes Seth's hand and gives him a couple of water balloons and a stake. KATE (to Seth) Watch my back! SETH Anytime. Cutting through vampires, the two make their way across the bar. Jacob, firing the .45, takes out several more vampires in fiery death. Scott fires the Uzi and chucks more water balloons. As Jacob fights, all of a sudden the sound goes out. He can't hear anything. He wonders if he's gone deaf. He starts to hear the words: "Thirst, thirst, thirst." He notices the vampires have stopped attacking him. They look at him wit happy smiles on their devilish faces. Fangs begin to grow. His eyes are yellow. Scott turns to his dad. He sees his father is a monster. Jacob, with a devilish grin on his face, GRABS Scott and sinks his teeth into Scott's forearm. Scott screams bloody murder as his dad begins to drain him of blood. Scott takes one of the water balloons he's wearing and SMASHES it against Jacob's head. The holy water melts half of Jacob's face away. He lets go of Scott, screaming, and drops the .45 on the floor. Scott drops to the ground, picking up the gun. He brings it up to fire. A totally evil Jacob, with only half a face, matches stares with the boy he once called his son. Scott's eyes turn to steel. SCOTT I swear to God, in Jesus Christ's name. He FIRES, sending a holy bullet into Jacob's forehead, creating a hole from which fire shoots out. Jacob's entire head bursts into flames, then explodes. From across the room, Fate sees her daddy ignite. She cries out. In the thick of the battle, Seth yells: SETH Fight now, cry later. Kate takes his advice and hits a vamp square in the face with a holy water balloon, which melts his head. A bat-thing lands on the back of Scott's neck. He screams as it bites into him. He drops the .45. Kate sees Scott get bit. KATE Oh my god. Another bat-thing lands on Scott's arm and takes a bite. Scott screams. KATE You bastards! She goes to spray them when her Uzi runs out of water. Now seven bat-things are on Scott biting and sucking blood. Scott is in agony. SCOTT Kill me, Kate! Kate runs for her brother, does a DIVE and a ROLL, coming up by the .45, SNATCHING it in one motion and FIRING three times. One... two... three bat-things are hit, shoot flames, then all of them EXPLODE, BLOWING UP Scott. The remaining vamps approach. All the humans have left is a few bullets and one holy balloon. SETH How many bullets left, kid? KATE Not many. SETH Well, when you run out of weapons, just start cold cocking 'em. Make 'em sing for their supper. The two survivors are backed up against a wall. Two bat things do a Kamikaze dive from the air toward Seth. Seth throws the holy balloon at them. Direct hit. The two bat-things burst into flames and spiral to the floor. The two survivors look at the vampires, who stand before them. A moment of stillness before the attack. Kate stands holding the .45, arm outstretched. KATE (to Seth) Should I use the last bullets on us? SETH You use 'em on the first couple of these parasites that try to bite you. The vamps begins to close in. Kate lines up the .45 sights on the face of an approaching vampire. Seth holds the Uzi like a club, ready to bash in the first vampire's head that gets in swinging distance. Beams of sunlight shoot through the holes that Kate shot through the wall. Approaching vampires burn. The scorched vamps scream like they've never screamed before. SETH Shoot more holes! Kate turns away from the vamps and shoots holes in the wall behind him, Daylight comes through, providing Kate and Seth with a safe, lighted area. The .45's empty. The vamps hiss and scream at the frustration of not being able to get at them. The two survivors hold hands, when... All of a sudden the door to the Titty Twister is pounded on from the outside. The vamps look towards it in horror. From the other side of the door, we hear a voice with a Spanish accent. VOICE (O.S.) (in Spanish) I'm looking for my friend. Is Seth in there? SETH (yelling) Carlos! (in Spanish) Help us, bash the door. Bash the door in! CARLOS (O.S.) (in Spanish) Danny, Manny, knock down the door. Hurry, hurry! The vamps are totally fucking freaked out! They run and fly around the bar in a panic. Crying, howling, grabbing onto each other. The front door is TORN apart from shotgun fir coming from the outside, punching holes the size of basketballs in the door. The table in front of the door gives and FALLS forward. The door caves in and sunlight invades the bar. Many vamps are instantly fried, bursting into flames. The Mexican gangster CARLSO and his two henchmen, DANNY and MANNY, are horrified at what they see. They cross themselves in fright. Vampires search for dark corners, but all is lost. Sunlight hits a mirrored ball attached to the ceiling, sending hundreds of beams of sunlight scattering through the room. Vamps try and dodge the beams. No dice. All around the vamps combust in fiery explosions. The Titty Twister is now on fire, burning out of control. Seth and Kate run through the building and leap through the door into the parking lot. EXT. TITTY TWISTER PARKING LOT - MORNING Carlos, Danny and Manny help them to their feet and walk them away from the blazing bar. They catch their breath by Carlos's Mercedes. CARLOS (to Seth) What the fuck was going on in there? Seth signals Carlos to wait a minute while he catches his breath. Then he hauls off and PUNCHES Carlos square in the kisser. Danny and Manny aim their shotguns at Seth. CARLOS (in Spanish) Whatsamatter with you? Are you crazy? SETH Why the fuck, outta all the god forsaken shit holes in Mexico, did you have us rendezvous at that place? CARLOS I don't know, one place's as good as another. SETH Have you ever been there before? CARLOS No, but I passed by it a couple of times. It's out in the middle of nowhere. It seems like a rowdy place, so there wouldn't be a lot of police. And it's open from dusk till dawn. You said meet you in the morning. SETH Well, because you picked that place out of a hat, my brother's dead now. And this girl's family's dead. Carlos stands up again. CARLOS I'm sorry to hear that. What were they, psychos? SETH Did they look like psychos? They were fuckin' vampires. Psychos don't explode when sunlight hits 'em, I don't care how crazy they are. Danny and Manny react to the vampire news by crossing themselves again. CARLOS Oh, Seth, how can I ever make it up to you? SETH You can't, but fifteen percent instead of thirty for my stay at El Ray is a good start. CARLOS Twenty-eight. SETH Jesus Christ, Carlos, my brother's dead and he's not coming back, and it's all your fault. Twenty. They look at each other, then shake hands, saying in unison. SETH AND CARLOS (in Spanish) Twenty-five. Seth gets the suitcase and gives Carlos 25%. Seth walks over to a red 1990 Porsche 911. CARLOS You like the car? SETH I said new, this is an '90. CARLOS It's hardly been used at all. I got it from a drug dealer who only drove it 5 times in as many years. Swear to God. That's like new. SETH So do I just follow you? CARLOS Yeah, follow us. SETH So let's do it. CARLOS (to Danny and Manny) Vamanos! Carlos, Danny and Manny pile into Carlo's white Mercedes. Seth by his Porsche, looks back at Kate. Kate stands alone. The whole desert seems between them. So much to say ... but no words. SETH I'm sorry. KATE Me too. Long pause. SETH See ya. KATE Later. Seth turns his back on her. Just as he opens the door, Kate says behind him: KATE (O.S.) Seth. Seth turns around. KATE You want some company? Seth smiles. SETH Kate honey, I may be a bastard. But I'm not a fuckin' bastard. He blows her a kiss across the desert. She blows one back. Seth's in his car and GONE. Kate turns around, faces endless desert before her, and begins her long walk home. THEME OF MOVIE BEGINS POUNDING THE ENDFROM DUSK TILL DAWN Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino Story by Robert Kurtzman Directed by Robert Rodriguez This script was transcribed, proof read and formatted by ueli riegg email: [email protected]; url: http://studiour.tsx.org Cast List: Quentin Tarantino Richard Gecko George Clooney Seth Gecko Brenda Hillhouse Hostage Gloria Harvey Keitel Jacob Juliette Lewis Kate Ernest Liu Scott Cheech Marin Border Guard, Chet Pussy, Carlos Selma Hayek Santanico Pandemonium Danny Trejo Razor Charlie Ernest Garcia Big Emilio Tom Savini Sex Machine Fred Williamson Frost "I earnestly wish an end would come to this bloody race I am forced to run." Countess in: "La Comtesse Noire" by Jess Franco FADE IN: EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY A convenience store in a Texas Suburb. No other businesses surround it. CLOSE-UP: A light switch is flipped on. The sign on top of the store lights up. It reads: BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR. TITLE CARD: BIG SPRING, TEXAS 109 MILES WEST OF ABILENE 345 MILES EAST OF THE MEXICAN BORDER A Texas Ranger patrol car pulls into the parking lot and a real live Texas Ranger, EARL MCGRAW, steps out. McGraw is in full ranger uniform - button shirt, cowboy hat, boots, mirrored shades, tin star and a colt revolver on his hip. It's about an hour and a half before sundown and McGraw is off duty for the day. The only other car in the parking lot is a 1975 Plymouth INT. BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR - DAY A young Hawaiian Shirt wearing man named PETE sits on a stool behind the counter. A few CLOSE-UP:STOMERS fiddle about. A MAN wearing a black suit, black tie, and wire rim glasses holds hands with a PRETTY BLONDE GIRL in cutoffs and bare feet. They look through magazines. Another black suit wearing MAN holds hands with a RED-HEADED GIRL in a prep school uniform. They look through the beer cooler in the back of the store. Both girls are around seventeen. MCGRAW enters the store. MCGRAW Hot goddamn day! PETE Haven't felt it a bit. Been inside with the air conditioner blastin' all day long. MCGRAW Not even for lunch? PETE I'm by myself today, ate my lunch outta the microwave. McGraw walks over to the beer cooler, as if done ritually every night (it is), takes out a beer, pops it open and joins Pete by the front counter. MCGRAW Jesus Christ man, that microwave food will kill ya as quick as a bullet. Those burritos are only fit for a hippie high on weed. Pull me down a bottle of Jack Daniels. I'm gettin' tanked tonight. PETE Whatsamatter? MCGRAW (sighs) Awww, it's just been a shitass day. Every inch of it hot and miserable. First off, Nadine at the Blue Chip got some sorta sick, so that Mongoloid boy of hers was workin' the grill. That fuckin' idiot don't know rat shit from Rice Krispies. I ate breakfast at nine, was pukin' up pigs in a blanket like a sick dog by ten thirty. PETE Isn't there a law or something against retards serving food to the public? MCGRAW Well, if there ain't there sure oughta be. Who knows what goes on inside Mongoloid's mind? PETE You could sue the shit out of her, ya know. That kid belongs under a circus tent, not flippin' burgers. You could own that fuckin' place. MCGRAW What the hell would I do with that grease pit? Besides, Nadine's got enough of a cross to bear just taking care of that potato head. Then all this Abilene shit happened. You heard about that bank robbery in Abilene, didn't ya? PETE That's all that's been on the box all day. They killed some people didn't they? MCGRAW Four Rangers, three cops, and two civilians. And they took a lady bank teller as a hostage. Pete doesn't say anything. MCGRAW They'll probably make a run for the border, which would bring 'em this way. And if we get our hands on those shit asses, we're talking payback time. We'll get 'em all right. I gotta piss. I'm gonna use your commode. PETE Knock yourself out. McGraw drops his last drip of beer, crushes the can and exits in the bathroom. The black suited man by the beer cooler turns around and, with the prep school girl in tow, walks rapidly toward Pete. We see that the girl is crying. BLACK SUITED MAN #1 (to Pete) Do you think I'm fuckin' playing with you, asshole? (points to the tearful prep school girl) Do you want this little girl to die? (pointing to the blonde with the other guy) Or that little girl? Or your bosombuddy with the badge? Or yourself? I don't wanna do it, but I'll turn this fuckin' store into the Wild Bunch if I even think you're fuckin' with me. The two men in black suits are the notorious Abilene bank robbers, SETH and RICHARD GECKO, "The Gecko Brothers." And the other customers are all being held hostage. Seth is the one with the prep girl. Richard is the one with the blonde. Everybody speaks low and fast. PETE What do you want from me? I did what you said. SETH Letting him use your toilet? No store does that. PETE He comes in here every day and we bullshit. He's used my toilet a thousand times. If I told him no, he'd know something was up. SETH I want that son-of-a-bitch out outta here, in his car, and down the road or you can change the name of this place to "Benny's World of Blood." Richard, holding tightly the hand of the terrified girl, leans next to Seth's ear and whispers something. Seth looks at Pete. SETH Were you giving that pig signals? PETE What? Are you kidding? I didn't do anything! Richard whispers something else in Seth's ear. SETH He says you were scratching. PETE I wasn't scratching! SETH You callin' him a liar? Pete controls himself. PETE I'm not calling him a liar, okay? I'm simply saying that if I was scratching, and if I did scratch, it's not because I was signaling the cop, it's because I'm fuckin' scared shitless. Richard speaks for the first time in a low calm voice to Seth. RICHARD The Ranger's taking a piss. Why don't I just go in there, blow his head off and get outta here. PETE Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural -- in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting. You asked me to get rid of him, I'm doing my best. SETH Yeah, well, your best better get a helluva lot fuckin' better, or you're gonna feel a helluva fuckin' lot worse. The toilet FLUSHES. SETH Everybody be cool. Everybody goes back to what they were doing. McGraw steps back out of the back. He appears to be unaware of the situation. MCGRAW Yeah, and I'm gonna be right back at it tomorrow. So tonight I'm gonna sit in front of the box and just drink booze. How much is the bottle? PETE Six-fifty. Out of nowhere Richard WHIPS out his forty-five automatic and SHOOTS McGraw in the head. McGraw goes down screaming. Richard stands over him and SHOOTS him twice more. Seth charges forward. SETH (to Richard) What the fuck was that about? RICHARD (in a low monotone) He signaled the Ranger. PETE (hysterical) I didn't. (to Seth) You gotta believe me, I didn't. RICHARD (to Seth) When they were talkin', he mouthed the words "Help Us." PETE You fuckin' liar, I didn't say shit! Richard SHOOTS Pete and Pete falls down behind the counter. Seth grabs Richard and throws him up against the wall. SETH What the fuck is wrong with you -- RICHARD Seth, he did it. You were by the beer cooler with your back turned. I was by the magazines, I could see his face. And I saw him mouth: Richard mouths the words, "Help Us." While Pete lies on the floor behind the counter bleeding from his bullet wound, he opens his floor safe and pulls out a gun from it. Seth releases his brother. SETH Start the car. RICHARD You believe me don't cha? SETH Shut up and start the car. Richard walks away from Seth and crosses the counter... ...when Pete SPRINGS up, gun in hand, and SHOOTS Richard in the hand. Richard FALLS to his knees, howling. Both Pete and Seth SPRAY the store with gunfire. Seth DIVES down an aisle. He reloads. Pete DUCKS behind the counter. He reloads. Richard has crawled to safety behind an aisle. The two girls have run out screaming. SETH (yelling) Richie? You okay? RICHARD (yelling) I'm not dead, but I'm definitely shot! I told you that bastard said, "Help us!" PETE (yelling) I never said help us! SETH (yelling) Well that don't matter now, 'cause you got about two fuckin' seconds to live! Richie! RICHARD (yelling) Yeah? SETH (yelling) When I count three, shoot out the bottles behind him! RICHARD Gotcha! SETH One... Two... Three. The two brothers start FIRING toward the counter. They HIT the bottles of alcohol on the shelf behind Pete. Pete is crouched on the ground as glass, debris and alcohol RAIN down on him. Seth grabs a roll of paper towels from off a shelf. Richard keeps FIRING. Seth douses the paper towels with lighter fluid, sets it on fire with his Zippo, then tosses it. The flaming roll of paper towels FLIES through the air. The fireball lands behind the counter. The entire counter area immediately BURSTS INTO FLAMES. Pete screams from behind the counter. Seth smiles to himself and stands. Richard shakes his head in amusement and stands. Pete runs out from behind the counter, ENGULFED IN FLAMES still holding his weapon and FIRING. Seth and Richard hit the ground FIRING their .45's. Pete, the human torch, FALLS like a tree into the Hostess Pastry display. Seth and Richard rise from the rubble. EXT. BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR - DAY They exit the store squabbling. The store is bursting into flames. SETH What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Buy the road map and leave. RICHARD What am I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us. SETH He didn't recognize shit. Both Seth and Richard stand on opposite sides of the car. RICHARD Seth, I'm telling you, the way he looked at us -- you especially -- I knew he knew. They both climb in the car, Seth behind the wheel. Seth starts it op. The souped up engine ROARS to life. We can hear Seth mumbling under the motor. SETH Low profile. Do you know what the words "low profile" mean? CLOSE-UP: SETH'S FOOT PUNCHES GAS. The Plymouth tears out of the parking lot backwards, hits the street, and speeds off down the road. We CRANE UP HIGH to see the car leaving a trail of dust behind it, as the store burns out of control. OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE. Raunchy, honky-tonk MUSIC fills the theater. CUT TO: EXT. TEXAS PANHANDLE - DAY The Plymouth tears ass across Texas plains. As TITLES PLAY OVER, we see Seth and Richard enjoying their getaway/road trip. Seth behind the wheel, pops open a bottle of prescription pills, empties out four of the red capsules in his hand, pops them in his mouth, and washes it back with a slug of Jack Daniel's from a pint bottle. Richard looks at Seth through the hole in his hand. Like a boxer, Richard wraps his wounded hand with gaffer's tape. The camera leaves the boys, as they woosh down the street, and goes along the length of the car to the trunk. It hangs on the trunk. Then we see through the trunk, like Superman: AN OLDER WOMAN tied up and helpless in the trunk. The rest of the titles play over black as the song continues. CREDIT SEQUENCE ENDS CUT TO: EXT. EMMA AND PETE'S GRAVY TRAIN - DAY Emma and Pete's Gravy Train is a truck stop off of Highway 290. SUBTITLE APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN': FORT STOCKTON 238 MILES FROM THE MEXICAN BORDER INT. EMMA AND PETE'S GRAVY TRAIN - DAY Emma and Pete's PATRONS are made up of regulars, truckers, cowboys and road-weary travelers. The CAMERA DOLLIES through the maze of tables, patrons, and waitresses. It stops when it gets to a table occupied by the FULLER FAMILY. The Fullers definitely fall into the road-weary category. The members of the unit consist of the father, JACOB, age 44, an ex-preacher, a good man with rough edges, and his two children, KATE, age 19, is a young beauty who possesses what can only be described as an apple pie sensuality. She is dressed like a nice Christian girl, complete with crucifix. SCOTT, age 16, is a Jacob's Vietnamese adopted son. Scott is a likable, long-haired kid who always wears a T-shirt with the name of the heavy metal garage band he plays guitar for, "Precinct 13." The three of them are wolfing down a late lunch. JACOB We got about two more hours of day light left. That'll get us into El Paso, which is right next to the border. We'll stop at a motel -- SCOTT Stop? We're not going to actually stop at a motel, are we? Scott and Kate speak together, obviously repeating something that Jacob has said about three hundred times. SCOTT AND KATE We've got a Winnebago. We don't need those over priced roach havens. We're self contained. JACOB Okay, Okay, maybe I was a little overzealous, but give me a break, I just bought it. Scott and Kate continue the impersonation. SCOTT Why, just look at all this. You got your kitchen -- KATE -- you got your microwave -- SCOTT -- you got your sink -- KATE -- you got your shower -- SCOTT -- see this, television! KATE Feel this, real wood paneling. That's real wood, too, not that fake stuff. JACOB Unless you two wiseacres wanna be introduced to the joys of hitchhiking, what say we drop this? SCOTT (to Kate) The truth hurts. KATE (to Scott) It's the bitterest of pills. JACOB You two ought to start a stand-up act, because you're just wasting your humor on me. KATE Ain't it the truth. SCOTT Why do you want to stop? JACOB I'm exhausted. SCOTT Lie in the back, Dad, I'll drive us into Mexico. Jacob gives Scott a look that says, "You aren't touching my new motor home." JACOB I just bet you would. Don't even thin about it. Besides, I want to have one night's sleep in an honest-to-goodness bed. The beds in the home are okay, but they're not like a real bed. KATE Hey, if we go to a motel, we can swim. SCOTT I'll be right back. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Scott gets up from the table and walks out back to the restroom. Jacob and Kate are left alone. There's an awkward moment of silence before... KATE Dad, when I called the machine to check our messages there was one from Bethel Baptist. Mr.Franklin said he wouldn't permanently replace you until we came back. He said when we come home, if you still feel the same way -- JACOB That's very nice of Ted, but I'll call him tomorrow and tell him not to bother waiting. KATE I didn't want to talk about this in front of Scott because he gets upset. But you don't believe in God anymore? JACOB Not enough to be a pastor. Look, I know this is hard on you kids. After Jenny's death, this is probably the last thing you need. But I can't do it any longer. My congregation needs spiritual leadership. Well, they can't get that from me anymore. My faith is gone. To answer your question, yes, I do believe in Jesus. But do I love them? No. After Jenny died, I just thought, what's the point? KATE (pushing him) It's just, all our lives you've been a pastor. For twenty years you've preached trust in the lord. And then one day you wake up and say fuck him? JACOB I didn't say fuck him. I'm just not connected anymore. KATE That happens, you'll get it back. JACOB Kate, give your old man a little credit. Every person who chooses the service of God as their life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you'll look at your reflection in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a fool? We've all done it. I'm not going through a lapse. What I've experienced is closer to awakening. I'm not trying to shake your faith. I've just decided not to devote my life to God anymore. KATE What do you think Mom would say? JACOB Mom's got nothing to say, she's dead. CUT TO: CLOSE UP: COUNTER BELL. A hand slams down on it. RING. INT. LOBBY - DEW DROP INN - DAY Seth stands at the front desk of the Dew Drop Inn. A standard issue Texas motel. Richard sits outside in the car. Nobody responds to the bell. Seth BANGS it impatiently five times. TEXAS VOICE (O.S.) Hold your horses! An OLD-TIMER walks through a curtain behind the counter. He's eating a BBQ rib. OLD-TIMER (rough) Whatcha want? SETH Whatcha think I want, ya mean old bastard? I wanna room. EXT. COURTYARD - DEW DROP INN - DAY Richard sits in the car listening to Merle Haggard on the radio. He watches from his perspective, Seth taking the walking outside and getting in the car. Seth starts it up, and drives them to their room. RICHARD Do they have cable? SETH No. RICHARD Do they have an X-rated channel? SETH No. RICHARD Do they have a waterbed? SETH They don't have anything except four walls and a roof, and that's all we need. Their car drives up to room #9, but they park backing up the trunk close to the door. The two brothers get out of the car. SETH (tossing Richie the motel keys) Open the door. We gotta do this fast. Richie opens the door. Seth goes to the trunk, looks around the court yard. It's empty. CLOSE UP: KEY going into the trunk lock, turning. TRUNK POV: Seth looking into the camera. SETH'S POV: A WOMAN in her late forties is lying scrunched up in the trunk. She is the HOSTAGE BANK TELLER from Abilene. She's stiff, scared and looks an absolute mess. SETH Don't say a word. The two brothers, quick as lightening, yank the woman out of the trunk and whisk her into the motel room. SETH closes the trunk, looks around for any Johnny eye-witnesses, doesn't see any, slams the door. INT. SETH AND RICHARD'S ROOM - DAY Seth turns from the door, sees the hostage woman standing. SETH You. Plant yourself in that chair. She sits down in the chair. HOSTAGE What are you planning on doing with -- SETH -- I said plant yourself. Plants don't talk. You wanna get on my good side? Just sit still and don't make a peep. She shuts up. Richard slowly takes off his jacket. He winces from his wound. SETH Let me help you. He helps him get his jacket off. SETH How's it feel? RICHARD How ya think, it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. Richie goes over to the bed and lies down on it. Seth takes the pillow and stacks them for Richie to prop his back up against. SETH I got both rooms on either side of us, so we don't gotta worry about eavesdropping assholes. How's that feel? You okay? RICHARD Feels good. SETH I'm gonna go get the money. He heads for the door. EXT. COURTYARD - MOTEL - DAY Seth goes into the car, takes out a big suitcase. He scans the perimeter with his eyes, goes back inside. INT. MOTEL ROOM #9 - DAY Seth comes back in, lays the suitcase on the bed. Richie has the TV remote control in his hand and he's flipping stations. Seth looks at his watch. SETH It's about five o'clock. (to hostage) What time does it get dark around here? HOSTAGE About seven. SETH Good. I'm going towards the border to check things out while it's still daylight. Call Carlos and arrange the rendezvous. RICHARD Hey, when you talk to him, see if you can arrange a better deal than thirty percent. SETH That's their standard deal, brother. They ain't about to change it for us. RICHARD Did you even to try to negotiate? SETH These guys ain't spic fire cracker salesman from Tijuana. They don't even know the meaning of the word "barter". You wanna stay in El Ray? You give them thirty percent of your loot. It's scripture. So it is written, so shall it be done. You want sanctuary, you pay the price, and the price is thirty percent. RICHARD All I'm saying -- SETH -- This conversation is over. Richie shrugs and turns back to TV, Seth turns to the hostage, grabs a chair and slides it up in front of her. SETH Now, we need to have a talk. What's your name? HOSTAGE Gloria. He shakes her hand. SETH Hello, Gloria, I'm Seth and that's my brother Richie. Let's cut to the chase. I'm gonna ask you a question and all I want is a yes or no answer. Do you want to live through this? GLORIA Yes. SETH Good. Then let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no question. You make a noise... (he holds up his .45) ...Mr. 45 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 45 answers it. Now are you absolutely, positively clear about rule number one? GLORIA Yes. SETH Rule number two: You do what we say, when we say it. If you don't, see rule number one. Seth takes the .45, places the barrel next to the woman's cheek. She squirms and shuts her eyes. He pulls back the hammer. SETH Rule number three: Don't you ever try and fuckin' run on us. 'Cause I got five little friends, and they all run faster 'n you can. Got it? She nods her head yes. He takes the gun away and replaces the hammer. SETH Open your eyes. She does. SETH Gloria, you hang in there, follow the rules, and don't fuck with us, you'll get out of this alive. I give you my word. Okay? She nods her head yes. Seth rises. SETH I'll be back in a bit. He exits. Richard looks to the TV, then looks to Gloria sitting across the room in the chair. RICHARD Wanna come up here on the bed and watch TV with me? You can tell she doesn't want to. He pats the empty space next to him. RICHARD Come on. She gets out of her chair, walks across the bed, and sits next to him. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY A phone booth outside of a gas station. Seth is in the middle of a conversation with the party on the other end. SETH Things are real hot here. Crossing's gonna be a bitch. (pause) Don't worry, we'll get across. But when we do, where do we go? (pause) Can we make it as close to the border as possible? Texas wants our balls. The quicker we're in your protection, the better I'll feel. (pause) Okay, where? (pause) The Titty Twister? (he laughs) I love it already. Okay, Carlos, I'll see you and your men at the "Titty Twister" tomorrow morning. (pause) Bye, my friend. Seth hangs up the phone, lights up a cigarette with his Zippo lighter and exits frame. After Seth exits, leaving the frame empty, a subtitle appears: EL PASO 5 MILES FROM THE MEXICAN BORDER CUT TO: INT. SETH AND RICHARD'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Richard lies on the bed by himself, propped up by pillows, watching TV, taking on hits from a water bong in the shape of a wizard. ON TV A local newscaster named KELLY HOUGE is reporting a story about the brothers. KELLY HOUGE (talking to camera) This bloody crime spree started just a week ago today. The oldest of the two brothers... MUG SHOT OF SETH KELLY HOUGE (V.O) ...Seth Gecko was serving time in Rolling's Kansas State Penitentiary for his part in the 1988 Scott City bank robbery in which two law enforcement officers lost their lives. BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE Having served eight years of his twenty-two year sentence, Seth Gecko was brought to Wichita Municipal court house for his first parole hearing. It was while at the court house that this man... MUG SHOT OF RICHARD GECKO KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ... his younger brother Richard Gecko, a known armed robber and sex offender, pulled off a daring daylight escape... BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE ...resulting in the death of four Wichita law enforcement officers, and this woman... PHOTO OF WOMAN SMILING KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...Heide Vogel, sixth grade teacher who was run over by the Geckos during a high speed pursuit through downtown Wichita. MAP OF AMERICA A red line travels from Wichita to Oklahoma. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) From there the brothers traveled from Kansas through Oklahoma... The red line enters Texas and the camera moves into Texas. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...into the great state of Texas, and then finally... WE ZOOM in on a red-circled Abilene. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...into Abilene. We hear GUNFIRE and SCREAMS. CUT TO: EXT. THE CRIMINAL COURT BUILDING - DAY Kelly Houge walks down the courthouse steps of the criminal courts building of Abilene. She talks to the camera. Cops, lawyers and citizens bustle in the background. KELLY HOUGE The list of the dead climbed up three more notches since our last telecast. CUT TO: PHOTO: OFFICER SHERMAN GOODELL in full police uniform. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) Officer Sherman Goodell, who was in intensive care following the gun battle outside of the Valley Federal bank building... CUT TO: EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Kelly Houge standing on the court house steps talking into the camera. KELLY HOUGE ...died about forty-five minutes ago at Hopkins General hospital. And about six hours ago, during a daylight liquor store robbery in Big Springs, The Gecko Brothers killed another Texas Ranger... CUT TO: PHOTO: EARL MCGRAW in uniform. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...Earl McGraw... CUT TO: PHOTO: PETE in a Hawaiian shirt holding up a big fish. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...and liquor store clerk Pet Bottoms. CUT TO: VIDEO FOOTAGE: Of Benny's World of Liquor burning down. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) Then they proceeded to burn the store down to the ground. CUT TO: VIDEO GRAPHIC: Picture of The Gecko Brothers with a tally underneath: THE GECKO BROTHERS WICHITA JAIL BREAK VALLEY FEDERAL BANK ROBBERY BIG SPRINGS CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY DEATH TOLL 13 TEXAS RANGERS - POLICE OFFICERS - CIVILIANS 4 7 2 KELLY HOUGE That changes the death toll to fifteen. (It changes under "Death toll") Five Texas Rangers... (it changes) Eight police officers (it changes) Three civilians. (it changes) CUT TO: BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE And one hostage... CUT TO: PHOTO: GLORIA HILL KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ... bank teller and mother of four, Gloria Hill. KELLY TO CAMERA KELLY HOUGE Heading the case to bring these fugitives to justice is FBI agent Stanley Chase. We talked with agent Chase earlier this afternoon. CUT TO: VIDEO INTERVIEW Kelly Houge interviewing STANLEY CHASE of the FBI. STANLEY CHASE For the time being we are very confident we will apprehend the fugitives in the next forty-eight hours. The Bureau, local law enforcement and the Texas Rangers have all joined forces in forming a dragnet to snare Seth and Richard Gecko. KELLY HOUGE Agent Chase, does it appear that they are heading for Mexico. STANLEY CHASE Yes, it does, Kelly. We have already alerted the Mexican authorities. They intend to cooperate every way possible in bringing these fugitives to justice. KELLY HOUGE Are you optimistic about the safety of the hostage they took in Abilene, Gloria Hill? STANLEY CHASE We've received no news one way or the other. We can only hope for the best. KELLY HOUGE What about the report from an eyewitness at the liquor store who said one of the brothers was shot? STANLEY CHASE This can't be confirmed at this time, but we do believe it to be true. We have reason to believe it was the youngest brother Richard, and he was shot in the vicinity of his neck and shoulders by the store's clerk. KELLY HOUGE Is it safe to assume that because the death count involved and the loss of life of law enforcement officers, that the Bureau, the Rangers and the police force are taking this manhunt personally? STANLEY CHASE I would say that's a very safe assumption. CUT TO: RICHARD SMILES. RICHARD (Newscaster's voice) Is it safe to assume since the law enforcement authorities in the great state of Texas are homosexuals of a sick and deviate nature, that they will be too busy fucking each other up the ass to actually catch The Gecko Brothers? (in an FBI voice) I would say that's a very safe assumption. He changes a channel on the television. We see a Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoon on the screen. CASPER Would you play with me? A big burly COP turns around. COP Sure, little boy... A GHOST!!! The cop heads for the hills. Casper cries. Seth enters the room carrying a six pack of beer and two take-out bags of Big Kahuna burgers. RICHARD Shit, I started to get worried. Where the fuck ya been? SETH Sight seein'. RICHARD What'd ya see? SETH Cops. RICHARD Didya look at the border? Seth dumps the burgers on the bed. Both men pop open beers and Richard goes to town on a hamburger. Seth flips off the TV SETH Yeah, I saw the border. Through binoculars from on top of a high building. That's about as close as I risked getting. What's the TV say? RICHARD They're going to apprehend us in forty-eight hours. Seth sits down and takes a hit off his beer. SETH (to himself) I gotta figure a way to get across that goddamn border. Longer we fuck around El Paso our lives ain't worth a shit. RICHARD Look, fuck the border. Let's just dig in and wait for things to cool down. SETH Richie, it's gonna get a lot fuckin' worse before it gets any fuckin' better. We showed our ass in Texas. We killed Texas fuckin' Rangers. They ain't gonna stop lookin' till they find us, and when they find us, they're gonna kill us. Texans take it very personal when ya kill their law enforcement officers. The El Paso police have already started a motel and hotel search for us. RICHARD How do you know? SETH I heard it on the radio. We gotta get our asses into Mexico tonight. Carlos is gonna meet us tomorrow morning at a rendezvous on the other side, then Carlos and his boys will escort us to El Ray and -- Seth stops talking and looks around. SETH Where's the woman? RICHARD What? Seth's out of his chair. SETH What'd ya mean, what? The fuckin' woman, the hostage. Where the fuck is she, Richard!? RICHARD She's in the other room. SETH What the fuck is she doin' there?! He goes to the door of the adjoining room. RICHARD Seth, before you open the door, let me explain what happened. Seth stops and looks at his brother. He knows what he means. He can't say anything, only point at his younger sibling. Then he BURSTS open the door. The dead, naked body of Gloria Hill lies on the bed. It's obvious Richard raped her and killed her. Seth covers his eyes with his hands. He slowly enters the room with the dead body. SETH (to himself) Oh, Richard, what's wrong with you? Richard rises from the bed. RICHARD Now, Seth, before you flip out, let me just explain what happened. Seth slowly turns to his brother, then walks toward him. Richard backs up. SETH Yeah, explain it to me. I need an explanation. What's the matter with you? RICHARD (low and calm) There's nothing wrong with me, brother. That woman tried to escape and I did what I had to do. SETH No. (pause) That woman wouldn't of said shit if she had a mouthful. RICHARD Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Once you left, she became a whole different person. SETH (slowly approaching) Is it me? Is it my fault? RICHARD It's not your fault, it's her fault! Seth grabs Richard and THROWS him in the corner of the room, holding tightly to his wrist. SETH Is this my fault? Do you think this is what I am? RICHARD What? SETH This is not me! I am a professional fucking thief. I steal money. You try to stop me, god help you. But I don't kill people I don't have to, and I don't rape women. What you doin' ain't how it's done. Do you understand? RICHARD Seth, if you were me -- SETH Just say yes! Nothing else, just say yes. RICHARD Yes. SETH Yes, Seth, I understand. RICHARD Yes, Seth, I understand. Seth hugs his little brother. Tight. SETH (whispers in Richie's ear) We get into Mexico, it's gonna be sweet Rosemary, hundred-proof liquor, and rice and beans. None of this shit's gonna matter. INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT Scott and Kate are in the front seat of their parked motor home. The motor home's parked in front of the Dew Drop Inn's front office. We see Jacob inside getting a room from the Old-Timer. KATE I can't believe he's stopping here. This place looks totally cruddy. Jacob walks out of the office. Kate yells from the motor home. KATE Dad, why are we stopping here? He opens the meter home door and climbs in. JACOB There's nothing wrong with this place. KATE It's a flop house. JACOB It's not a flop house. It's basic and simple. That doesn't make it a flop house. KATE If it doesn't have a pool, we're looking for a new place. Starting the huge car and slowly maneuvering it through the courtyard. JACOB It has a bed. That's all I care about. KATE Other places have beds, they also have cable TV, a gym, room service... EXT. COURTYARD - NIGHT Seth walks out of room #9 with a beer in his hand. He's thinking about how he's going to get over the border tonight. Lost in thought, he steps out in the path of the Fuller's motor home. Jacob slams on the brakes. Seth jumps back, startled. Both Kate and Scott are TOSSED out of their seats onto the floor. THUD... THUD... KATE Owww, my head. Jacob (pissed) honks his horn at Seth and yells out the window. JACOB Watch where you're going! THROUGH WINDSHIELD Seth just stands right in their way without moving, gazing up at the giant motor home. JACOB BEHIND THE WHEEL Kate and Scott join him up front looking at this weirdo. SCOTT What's this guy's problem? JACOB I have no idea. Seth continues standing in their way, making no attempt to move. Not threatening, just looking at them. HONK! JACOB Anytime, man. The horn snaps Seth back to this world. A smile breaks out on the escaped fugitive's face and he politely steps to one side to let them pass. Pass they do! KATE Creepy guy. SETH The Sword of Damocles is lifted from above Seth's head. He's just solved a problem that a mere thirty seconds ago seemed unsolvable. He knows exactly how he's going to cross the border. Whistling a happy tune, he turns and walks back into room #9. INT. FULLERS' MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT The Fullers are in room #12. It's identical to the one that the Gecko boys are in, except that the paintings above the beds are different. Jacob has fallen asleep in his clothes on the bed. Scott sits in a chair, headphones on, playing an unplugged electric guitar. Kate is nowhere in sight. KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK... on the door. Scott doesn't hear shit but his music. Jacob stirs a bit, but doesn't wake up. POUND... POUND... POUND... on the door. Jacob SPRINGS UP. He looks over at Scott, who, lost in guitar heaven, is oblivious of the knocker, then to the door. JACOB (yelling) What? From the other side of the door comes a friendly voice. VOICE (O.S.) I'm your neighbor in room 9, I hate to disturb you, but I'd like to ask a favor. Jacob swings his feet to the floor, stands up and walks to the door. As he passes Scott, he says, in his direction -- JACOB I hope none of this is disturbing you. Scott can't hear him, but when he sees his dad look at him, he smiles. Jacob opens the door and sees... ... Richard Gecko standing in the doorway, looking like the nicest guy in the entire world. RICHARD Hi there, I'm from room 9, my name is Don Cornelius. No, not the Don Cornelius from Soul Train. Me and my lady friend need some ice and we don't seem to have an ice bucket. Could we possibly borrow yours? I'll bring it right back. JACOB (still partially asleep) Sure. We follow Jacob as he turns to the dresser to get the motel ice bucket. He grabs it, turns back to the door, takes a couple of steps towards it, then stops: in his tracks. He sees Richard and Seth both inside the room with the door closed, both with .45's in their hands, both aimed at him. JACOB What is this? Seth SLUGS Jacob in the mouth, KNOCKING him to the ground. SETH It's called a punch. Scott suddenly becomes aware of what's going on around him and instinctively stands. Richard shoves his .45 in Scott's mouth. RICHARD Sit down. Scott lowers himself back down onto his seat. RICHARD Good boy. Jacob lifts his head off the floor and wipes blood away from his lip. He looks at his opponent who stands over him. SETH (to Jacob) What's your name? JACOB Jacob. SETH Okay, Jacob, get up and sit your ass down on the bed. Make a wrong move and I'll shoot you in the face. Jacob rises and sits on the edge of the bed. SETH (to Richard) Okay, move the Jap over there. Keeping the gun in Scott's mouth, Richard makes Scott rise... RICHARD Upsy daisy. ...guiding him over to the bed by his father. Richard removes the gun from Scott's mouth and stands next to his brother, looking down at their two hostages. SETH (to his hostages) What's the story with you two? You a couple of fags? JACOB He's my son. SETH How does that happen? You don't look Japanese. JACOB Neither does he. He looks Vietnamese. SETH Oh, well, excuse me all to hell. JACOB What's this about, money? SETH It's about money, all right, but not yours. You see, me and my brother here are in a little hot water and we need your assistance. The door to room #12 opens and a dripping wet, bikini clad Kate walks in. The brothers spin their guns in her direction. Kate, startled, screams. Jacob and Scott get on their feet and move forward. Seth spins back towards the two men, gun ready to spit. SETH (to Scott and Jacob) Stop! Jacob and Scott freeze. Richard moves like quicksilver, shutting the door and positioning himself behind the terrified Kate. KATE What's going on? RICHARD We're having a wet bikini contest, and you just won. JACOB (to Kate) It's okay, honey. Everything's going to be all right. SETH Just listen to daddy, sugar, and don't do nothin' stupid. (he turns to Jacob and Scott, who are still standing) You two, Simon says sit the fuck down! They slowly sit. Richard can't take his eyes off the dripping wet Kate. Both Jacob and Seth see this and neither men like it. Both for their own reasons. SETH (to Jacob) Where are the keys to the motor home? JACOB On the dresser. SETH Richie, take the keys. Start that big bastard up, and drive it up front. Richard doesn't move from his position behind Kate. Kate feels his eyes on her. She slowly turns and looks at him. He looks in her face. CLOSE-UP KATE She smiles at him. KATE Richie, will you do me a favor and eat my pussy? CLOSE-UP RICHARD RICHARD Sure. SETH (O.S.) Richard! Richard's eyes go to Seth. Everybody is where they were. Kate never turned around. SETH Not when you get around to it, now. Without saying a word, he takes the keys and leaves the room. SETH (pointing at Kate) You, Gidget, go in the bathroom and put on some clothes. She grabs some clothes from the floor and moves towards the bathroom. Seth GRABS her wrist. SETH You got three minutes. One second longer, I shoot your father in the face. Do you understand what I just said? KATE Yes. SETH Do you believe me? KATE Yes. SETH You damn well better. Go. She goes into the bathroom. JACOB Look, if you want the motor home, just take it and get out. Seth grabs a chair and slides it up to his two male hostages. SETH Sorry, Pops, it ain't gonna be that easy. We hear the motor home "HONK" twice outside. SETH Get ready to move out, we're all going on a little ride. Jacob shakes his head "no." JACOB Not a chance. SETH Come again? JACOB If you're taking people, take me. But my kids aren't going anywhere with you. SETH Sorry, I need everybody. JACOB My children are not going with you, and that's that. SETH (angry) That's not fuckin' that... (holds up his gun) this is fuckin' this. (he calms down and looks at Scott) Go sit over there. Scott gets up and walks to the other side of the room, leaving the two men alone. Seth speaks in a quiet, conversational tone. SETH I ain't got time to fuck around with you, so I'll make this simple. Take your kids and get in the car, or I'll execute all three of you right now. (he cocks the gun and puts it right in Jacob's face) What's it gonna be, yes or no answer? Jacob looks at him. JACOB Yes. SETH Good. (to Scott) Your old man's all right, he just saved your life. Seth BANGS on the bathroom door. SETH Times up, Princess. The bathroom door opens. Kate stands there, wearing a T-shirt, jeans and bare feet. SETH Okay, ramblers, let's get to rambling. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The motor home with the powder-keg interior drives through the Lone Star night. INT. MOTOR HOME NIGHT Richard's in the back bed area with a gun trained on Kate and Scott. The two scared siblings hold hands. KATE Excuse me. Richard zeros in on her. RICHARD What? KATE Where are you taking us? RICHARD Mexico. KATE What's in Mexico? RICHARD Mexicans. He doesn't smile. In the front part of the motor home, Jacob sits behind the wheel, driving into the night. Seth sits in the passenger seat, going through Jacob's wallet and talking to him calmly. SETH (reading his driver's license) Jacob Fuller. Jacob, that's biblical, ain't it? What am I askin' for, of course it is. (motioning behind him) What are their names? JACOB Scott and Kate. Seth repeats the names as he thumbs through the wallet. SETH Scott and Kate... Kate and Scott... Scott Fuller... Kate Fuller... Seth comes to a snapshot of Jacob and his wife. SETH Who's this? JACOB My wife. SETH Where is the little lady? JACOB In heaven. SETH She's dead? JACOB Yes, she is. SETH How'd she die? JACOB Auto wreck. SETH Come on, gimme some more details. How'd it happen? Some fuckin' drunk kill her? JACOB No. It was a rainy night, the brakes on the car weren't great. She had to stop suddenly. She slid on the road, she crashed, she died. SETH Died instantly? JACOB Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on. SETH Whewww! Those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they? JACOB Yes, they do. Seth looks back at the wallet. He sees Jacob's minister's license. SETH Is this real? JACOB Yes. SETH I've seen one of these before. A friend of mine had himself declared a minister of his own religion. Away to fuck the IRS. Is that what you're doing, or are you the real McCoy? JACOB Real McCoy. SETH You're a preacher? JACOB I was a minister. SETH Was? As in not anymore? JACOB Yes. SETH Why'd ya quit? JACOB I think I've gotten about as up close and personal with you as I'm gonna get. Now if you need me like I think you need me, you're not gonna kill me 'cause I won't answer your stupid, prying questions. So, with all due respect, mind your own business. SETH I seem to have touched a nerve. Don't be so sensitive, Pops, let's keep this friendly. But you're right, enough with the getting to know you shit. Now, there's two ways we can play this hand. One way is me and you go round an' round all fuckin' night. The other way, is we reach some sort of an understanding. Now, if we go down that first path at the end of the day, I'll win. But we go down the second, we'll both win. Now, I don't give a rat's ass about you or your fuckin' family. Y'all can live forever or die this second and I don't care which. The only things I do care about are me that son-of-a-bitch in the back, and our money. And right now I need to get those three things into Mexico. Now, stop me if I'm wrong, but I take it you don't give a shit about seeing me and my brother receiving justice, or the bank getting its money back. Right now all you care about is the safety of your daughter, your son and possibly yourself. Am I correct? JACOB Yes. SETH I thought so. You help us get across the border without incident, stay with us the rest of the night without trying anything funny, and in the morning we'll let you and your family go. That way everybody gets what they want. You and your kids get out of this alive and we get into Mexico. Everybody's happy. JACOB How do I know you'll keep your word? SETH Jesus Christ, Pops, don't start with this shit. JACOB You want me to sit here and be passive. The only way being passive in this situation makes sense is if I believe you'll let us go. I'm not there yet. You have to convince me you're telling the truth. SETH Look, dickhead, the only thing you need to be convinced about is that you're stuck in a situation with a coupla real mean motor scooters. I don't wanna hafta worry about you all fuckin' night. And I don't think you wanna be worrying about my brother's intentions toward your daughter all night. You notice the way he looked at her, didn't ya? JACOB Yes. SETH Didn't like it, did ya? JACOB No, I didn't. SETH Didn't think so. So, as I was saying, I'm willing to make a deal. You behave, get us into Mexico, and don't try to escape. I'll keep my brother off your daughter and let you all loose in the morning. JACOB You won't let him touch her? SETH I can handle Richie, don't worry. The two men look at each other for some measure of trust. Seth sticks out his hand. SETH I give you my word. Seth can't help but think about the last time he gave his word. SETH (hand sticks out) My words, my law. Better you not take it, and that's just where we are, then take it and not mean it. Jacob takes his hand, but looks right into Seth. JACOB If he touches her, I'll kill him. I don't give a fuck how many guns you have, nothing will stop me from killing him. SETH Fair enough. You break your word, I'll kill all of you. (calling to the back) Kate, honey! KATE Yeah. SETH You must have a bible in here, don't cha? KATE Yeah, we got a bible. SETH Get it and bring it up here, will ya, please? Kate goes into a drawer, pulls out a bible and brings it up front. SETH Hold it right there, sweetie pie. (to Jacob) Put your hand on it. Jacob does. SETH Swear to God, on the Bible, you won't try to escape and you'll get us across the border. JACOB I swear to God I won't try to escape and I'll do my best to get you into Mexico. SETH You best better get it done, Pops. Seth places his hand on the Bible. SETH I swear to God I'll let you loose in the morning. And your daughter will be safe. And I also swear if you do anything to fuck me up, I'll slit all your throats. TIME CUT TO: INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT Richard's in the back with Kate and Scott. Richard, expressionless, looks at Kate's bare feet. SLOW ZOOM KATE'S BARE FEET EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S TOES. They wiggle. His eyes go to her hands. SLOW ZOOM KATE'S HANDS EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S FINGERS His eyes go to her neck. SLOW ZOOM NAPE OF KATE'S NECK EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S ADAM'S APPLE. She swallows. His eyes move up. SIDE PROFILE OF KATE, SLOW ZOOM TO KATE'S LIPS Back to Richard. RICHARD Did ya mean what you said back there? Kate turns to him. KATE What? RICHARD In the room. Were you serious, or were you just foolin' around? I'm just bringing it up, 'cause if you really want me to do that for you, I will. KATE Do what? RICHARD (in a whisper) What you said to me in the room. KATE (whispers back) What did I say? RICHARD (whisper) You asked me if I would -- SETH (O.S.) Richard! RICHARD (to Seth) What? Seth and Jacob. SETH I told you to watch those kids, I didn't say talk to 'em. You guys ain't got nothin' to say to one another. So cut the chatter. Richard turns to Kate. RICHARD (quiet) We'll talk later. Kate still hasn't a clue what he means. CUT TO: EXT. THE MEXICAN BORDER - NIGHT Automobiles are lined up, waiting one by one to go into Mexico. Cop cars with their red and blue lights flashing are all over the place. Border Patrol men and Police are stopping all cars. Pulling up to the end of the line is the Fuller's mobile home. INT. MOBILE HOME - NIGHT Jacob at the wheel, Seth in the passenger seat. Seth jumps up and goes into action. SETH Okay everybody, it's show time. Richie, take Kate in the bathroom. Richard grabs the terrified Kate and drags her in the bathroom, SETH Scott, you come up front with your daddy. Scott does. Seth, keeping low, gets behind Jacob. JACOB I'm telling you, don't hurt her. SETH As long as you're cool, she'll be cool. What're ya gonna say? JACOB I don't have the slightest idea. SETH Well, you just keep thinkin' of that gun next to Kate's temple. Seth disappears into the bathroom with Kate and Richard, closing the door behind him. Father and son are alone for the first time since this whole thing began. SCOTT What are you gonna do? JACOB I'm gonna try and get us across the border. SCOTT No, dad, you gotta tell 'em that they're back there. Jacob is surprised to hear Scott say this. INT. BATHROOM - MOBILE HOME - NIGHT The bathroom, which consists of a shower, a toilet and a small sink, is a tight fit with three people in it. Richard has his back against the wall, with his arm around Kate, holding her in front of him. One hand is over her mouth, the other holds a .45 against her head. Kate's eyes are wide with fear. Seth stands, .45 in hand, ready to fire if the wrong person should open the door. Everybody talks low and quiet. RICHARD This isn't gonna work. SETH Shut up. It's gonna work just fine, RICHARD I just want to go on record as saying this is a bad idea. SETH Duly noted. Now, shut up. Everyone's quiet for a second, till Richard breaks it. RICHARD (to himself) They're gonna search the van. SETH (offhand) As long as you don't act like a fuckin' nut, we'll be just fine. RICHARD What does that mean? SETH (distracted) What? Richard lets Kate go, she quickly moves to the side. RICHARD You just called me a fuckin' nut. SETH No, I didn't. RICHARD Yes, you did. You said as long as I don't act like a fuckin' nut, implying that I've been acting like a fuckin' nut. SETH Take a pill, kid. I just meant stay cool. RICHARD You meant that, but you meant the other, too. Kate can't believe what she's watching. Neither can Seth. SETH (serious as a heart attack) This ain't the time, Richard. RICHARD (his voice rising) Fuck those spic pigs! You called me a fuckin' nut, and where I come from, that stops the train on its tracks. SETH (real quiet and violent) Keep your voice down. RICHARD (quiet back) Or what? BACK TO JACOB AND SCOTT JACOB Have you forgotten about your sister? SCOTT They're gonna kill us. They get us across the border, they're gonna take us out in the desert and shoot us. JACOB If they get over the border, they're gonna let us go. SCOTT Dad, I watch those reality shows. They never let anybody go. Any cop will tell you, in a situation like this, you get a chance, you go for it. This is our chance. JACOB What about Kate? SCOTT They're gonna kill her anyway. At least now with all these cops we've got a fighting chance. JACOB Son, I have this situation under control. I know exactly what I'm doing. You're going to have to trust me on this. SCOTT If trusting you means trusting those fuckin' killers, I can't do that. If you don't tell the cops, I will. Jacob grabs Scott by the front of his shirt, and yanks him to him. JACOB Now, you listen to me. You ain't gonna do a goddamn fucking thing, you hear me! Nobody cares what you think, I'm running this show, I make the decisions. SCOTT He's running the show. JACOB I'm running the show. I make the plays, and you back the plays I make. Stop thinking with your fucking balls. Kate in a room with a couple of desperate men with nothing to fucking lose ain't the time to "go for it." I need your cover. Cover my ass. There's a HONK behind them. They both look out the window. It's their turn with the BORDER PATROL GUARDS. JACOB takes the wheel and drives up. A stern BORDER GUARD approaches JACOB'S window. BORDER GUARD How many with you? JACOB Just my son and I. BORDER GUARD What is your purpose in Mexico? JACOB Vacation. I'm taking him to see his first bullfight. BACK TO BATHROOM RICHARD I'm curious. What was the nuttiest thing I did? SETH This ain't the time. RICHARD Oh, I know, was it possibly when your ass was rotting in jail and I broke it out? Yeah, you're right, that was pretty fuckin' nutty. Not to mention stupid. But you know what? I can fix that right now. SETH HAULS off and PUNCHES Richard smack in the head. Richard HITS the floor, Guard, Jacob, and Scott hear Richard fall in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD What was that? JACOB Oh, that's just my daughter in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD You said it was just you and your son. JACOB I meant me, my son and my daughter. CLOSE-UP BORDER GUARD BORDER GUARD Open the door. I'm coming aboard. BACK TO BATHROOM CLOSE-UP KATE We can only see Kate's face. It's scared. We hear rustling around the bathroom, but we don't know what it is. Then it's quiet. Then we hear talking outside the door, but we can't make it out. Then we hear a knock. KATE I'm in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD (O.S.) It's the Border Patrol. Open up. KATE It's open. We hear the door open and see the light change on Kate's face. She's looking up. BORDER GUARD in the doorway looking in. HE SEES: Kate by herself, pants around her ankles, sitting on the toilet. KATE Do you mind? Shut the fucking door. BORDER GUARD Excuse me. He closes the door. Kate lets out a breath. We wait a beat, Seth pulls back the curtain in the shower, we see Richie on the floor of the shower knocked out. Seth and Kate meet eyes. He gives her the O.K. signal. CUT TO: BACK WINDOW MOTOR HOME We see through the back window of the motor home, the border getting smaller as we drive away from it. Scott knocks on the bathroom door. SCOTT It's clear. Seth BURSTS out of the bathroom. SETH Goddamn, that was. intense! Seth goes to the back window. He sees the border getting farther and farther away. No cars following. SETH (to himself) We did it. (pause) We're in Mexico. Seth throws his head back and SCREAMS for joy. Kate, emerging from the bathroom, reacts to Seth's scream, along with Scott. Seth is so happy that he does a little jig in the back of the van. Everybody else is still tense as shit. But Seth lets go of all his tension, and becomes a new man before our eyes. He turns to Kate. SETH (loud and happy) Come here, Kate! Kate, nervous, takes a step back. He charges for her. GRABS her, hugs her around her waist, and spins her around. When he lets her go, she stumbles dizzily onto the bed. SETH (to Kate) You were magnificent! You told him to shut the fucking door. I'm hiding in the shower, and I'm thinking to myself, "Did I just fuckin' hear what I just fuckin' heard? And what does he do -- he shuts the fucking door! Kate kind of half smiles. SETH If I was a bit younger, baby, I'd fuckin' marry you! Seth goes up front and slaps Jacob on the back. SETH I gotta hand it to ya, Pops, you raised a fuckin' woman. Jacob doesn't share Seth's enthusiasm, but he is relieved. JACOB We did our part, we gotcha in Mexico. Now it's time for your part, letting us go. SETH Pops, when you're right, you're right, and you are right. KATE (suddenly brightens) You're gonna let us go? SETH In the morning, darlin', in the morning, we are G-O-N-E and you are F-R-E-E. Now, I know I put you guys through hell, and I know I've been one rough pecker, but from here on end you guys are in my cool book. Scotty, help me pick Richie up, and lay him down. Jacob, keep going on this road till you get to a sign that says, "Digayo." When you get to Digayo, turn this big bastard left, go on down for a few miles, then you see a bar called "The Titty Twister." From what I hear, you can't miss it. JACOB Then? SETH Then stop, 'cause that's where we're going. He slaps him once again on the back, and leaves to attend to Richard. CUT TO: CLOSE-UP RICHARD without glasses. Unconscious, Seth slaps his face. SETH (O.S.) C'mon, kid, wake up. Don't make a career out of it. Richard starts coming to and opens his eyes. Seth sits at the foot of the bed. SETH You okay? RICHARD (disoriented) Yeah, I think so. What happened? SETH I don't know, you just passed out. RICHARD I did? SETH Yeah, we were just standing there. You said something about your shoulder hurting, then you just hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. RICHARD Really? SETH Yeah, when you fell your head smacked the toilet hard. It scared the shit outta me. Sure you're okay? RICHARD Yeah, I guess. I'm just a little fucked up. SETH Well, let me tell ya something, gonna clear your head right up. We are officially Mexicans. RICHARD What? SETH We are... (singing) "South of the border down Mexico way." RICHARD We are? SETH Yep. We're heading for the rendezvous right now. We get there, we pound booze till Carlos shows up, he escorts us to El Ray. And then me and you, brother, kick fuckin' back. How ya like them apples? Slowly shaking the cobwebs out of his head. RICHARD Far out. (pause) Where are my glasses? SETH They broke when you fell. RICHARD Oh, fuck, Seth, that's my only pair! SETH Don't worry about it, we'll get you some glasses. RICHARD What dya mean, don't worry about it. Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see. SETH When we get to El Ray, I'll take care of it. RICHARD Yeah, like a Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription. SETH It's not a big deal, unless you make it a big deal. Now, I'm real happy, Richie, stop bringing me down with bullshit. Jacob calls to the back. JACOB Guys! We're here. CUT TO: A neon sign that flashes: THE TITTY TWISTER Hiker/Trucker bar, Dusk till Dawn Underneath the joint's proud name on the sign, and on top of "Biker/Trucker bar, Dusk till Dawn" is a well-endowed woman, whose breast is being twisted by a neon hand. EXT. THE TITTY TWISTER NIGHT The neon sign sits on top of the rudest, sleaziest, most crab-infested, strip joint, honky-tonk whorehouse in all of Mexico. The Titty Twister is located out in the middle of nowheres ville. It sits by itself with nothing around it for miles. A plethora of choppers and eighteen wheelers are parked out in front. The walls almost pulsate from the LOUD, RAUNCHY MUSIC within the structure. Signs cover the walls outside reading things like: "NUDE DANCING", "WHORES", "BEER", "AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FOOD", "BIKERS AND TRUCKERS ONLY", "OPEN DUSK TILL DAWN", "THURSDAY COCKFIGHT NIGHT", "WEDNESDAY DOGFIGHT NIGHT", "DONKEY SHOW MONDAYS", "EVERY FRIDAY BARE KNUCKLE FIGHT TO THE DEATH, FEATURING THE LOVELY SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM", "ATHENA AND DANNY THE WONDER PONY", and "THE SLEAZY TITTY TWISTER DANCERS." In the parking lot, a BIKER and a TRUCK DRIVER beat the shit out of each other, one with a pipe, the other with a hammer. A SECOND BIKER fucks a Titty Twister WHORE against the wall. A greasy man, known as CHET PUSSY, stands in the parking lot, soliciting customers through a Mr. Microphone. CHET Pussy, pussy, pussy! All pussy must go. At the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! This is a pussy blow out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of pussy! We got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, hot pussy, cold pussy, wet pussy, tight pussy, big pussy, bloody pussy, fat pussy, hairy pussy, smelly pussy, velvet pussy, silk pussy, Naugahyde pussy, snappin' pussy, horse pussy, dog pussy, mule pussy, fake pussy! If we don't have it, you don't want it! The Fullers' recreational vehicle pulls into the parking lot and stops. INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT What's left of the Fuller family and the Gecko family look out the windshield onto the sight that is the Titty Twister. SETH (to the group) Okay, troops, this is the homestretch. Here's the deal; this place closes at dawn. Carlos is gonna meet us here sometime before dawn. Which by my guesstimate is somewhere between three or four hours from now. So we're gonna go in there, take a seat, have a drink -- have a bunch of drinks, and wait for Carlos. That could be an hour, that could be three hours, I don't know which. But when he gets here, me and Richie are going to leave with him. After we split, you guys are officially out of this stewpot. Let me just say I'm real happy about where we're at. We got a real nice, "I don't fuck with you -- you don't fuck with me" attitude going on. Now, if everybody just keeps playin' it cool -- and I'm talking to you, too, Richie -- everybody's gonna get what they want. Comprende, amigos? Everybody nods and mutters in agreement. SETH Okay hard drinkers, let's drink hard. I'm buyin'. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT The camper door FLIES OPEN and the two brothers and the Fuller family step out into the night. They look across the parking lot at the Titty Twister. It literally looks in some ways like the entrance to hell. JACOB Out of the stew pot and into the fire. SETH Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club. RICHARD I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up. Seth can't believe it. SETH (in a baby talk voice) Aww-w, whatsa matter, is the little baby too afraid to go into the big scary bar? The two brothers square off, not like strangers fighting, but like brothers fight. They talk real quiet, but real personal. RICHARD That's what you think? SETH That's how you're lookin', Richie. RICHARD I'm lookin' scared? SETH That's what you look like. RICHARD You know what you look like? SETH No, Richie, what do I look like? RICHARD You're lookin' green. That's not what Seth expected to hear. SETH How? RICHARD Where are you right now? SETH What do you mean? RICHARD Where are you? SETH I'm here with you. RICHARD No, you're not. You're sippin' margaritas in El Ray. But we're not in El Ray. We're here -- getting ready to go in there. You're so pleased with yourself about getting into Mexico, you think the job's down. It ain't. Get back on the clock. That's a fuck-with-you-bar. We hang around there for a coupla hours, in all likelihood, we'll get fucked with. So get your shit together, brother. SETH My shit is together. RICHARD It don't look together. SETH Well, it is. Just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm on vacation. You're just not used to seein' me happy, 'cause it's been about fifteen fuckin' years since I been happy. But my shit is forever together. Richard believes Seth's response. RICHARD Okay, just checkin'. They walk toward the bar's entrance. Chet Pussy talks into the microphone. CHET (yelling into the microphone) Take advantage of our penny pussy sale. Buy any piece of pussy a tour regular price, you get another piece of pussy, of equal or lesser value, for a penny. Now try and beat pussy for a penny! If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere, fuck it! Chet notices our heroes, especially young Kate. CHET (in microphone, towards Kate) What's this? A new flavor approaching. Apple Pie Pussy. SETH Step aside, asshole. Chet POKES HIS FINGER in Seth's CHEST. CHET Not so fast, Slick. Seth GRABS HOLD of Chet's FINGER, BENDS it BACKWARDS till the BONE SNAPS in two. Chet lets out a SCREAM. Seth VIOLENTLY brings his HEAD FORWARD PULVERIZING Chet's NOSE. Chet FALLS to his KNEES in front of Seth. Seth HOOKS him with a powerful FIST UNDER his CHIN that SNAPS Chet's HEAD BACK, and THROWS him on his BACK. After HITTING the GROUND, Seth SENDS a SAVAGE KICK straight to Chet's FACE, ROLLING HIM OVER. Chet is OUT. The whole altercation took two seconds. Everyone's in shock and looks at Seth. Seth looks back at everyone. SETH Now, is my shit together, or is my shit together? Richard and Seth laugh with each other. RICHARD (slappin' Seth five) Your shit is forever together! They head for the door. Richard stays behind for a second, and gives the fallen Chet a few, swift kicks, INT. THE TITTY TWISTER NIGHT If the Titty Twister looked like the asshole of the world from the outside, in the immortal words of Al Jolson, "You ain't seen nothin' yet." This is the kind of place where they sweep up the teeth and hose down the cum, the blood and the beer at closing. In the back, TOPLESS DANCERS do lap dances with customers, while a SLEAZY SEXY STRIPPER STRIPS to RAUNCHY MUSIC, played at ear drum-bursting level. TWO MEN are in a savage BAREKNUCKLE FIGHT, surrounded by screaming customers of bikers and truckers. One of the dancers is a man with a saddle on his back, his name is DANNY THE WONDER PONY. The woman on his back, in the saddle, feet in the stirrups, hands on the reins, is ATHENA, his rider. They dance around to the cheers of the crowd. Bikers and truckers play pool in the back. Fights break out here about one every ten minutes. The customers may start 'em, but the bouncer, BIG EMILIO, ends 'em. Seth, Richard, Jacob, Scott and Kate walk through the door. They each individually take in the sights and the smells. Seth is the first to say something. SETH Now this is my kinda place! I could become a regular. The man behind the bar is RAZOR CHARLIE. He eyes the group as they approach. Their difference from the usual road waif nomads who populate the Twister disturbs him. He exchanges a knowing look across the room with Big Emilio, as the group bellies up to the bar. SETH Whiskey! RAZOR CHARLIE (in English) You can't come in here. SETH What dya mean? RAZOR CHARLIE This is a private club. You're not welcome. SETH Are you tellin' me I'm not good enough to drink here? RAZOR CHARLIE This bar is for bikers and truckers only. (points his finger to Seth) You, get out! Big Emilio almost magically appears behind Seth and places HIS BIG BEEFY SAUSAGE-FINGERED HAND HARD on Seth's shoulder. BIG EMILIO (to Seth in Spanish) Walk, Pendaho. Seth slowly turns his eyes to the big hand on his shoulder. SETH (low) Take your hand off me. BIG EMILIO (Spanish) I'm going to count to three. SETH No, I'm going to count to three. BIG EMILIO Uno... SETH Two.. Jacob jumps in the middle. JACOB Now wait a minute, there's no reason to get ugly. There's just a misunderstanding going on here. You said this bar is for truckers and bikers, Well, I'm a truck driver. Everybody looks at Jacob. As Jacob talks he takes out his wallet. JACOB If you look outside your door, parked in your parking lot, you'll see a big ass recreational vehicle. That's mine. In order to drive that legally, you need a class two driver's license. That is the same license that the DMV requires truck drivers to carry in order to drive a truck. (he takes the license out of his wallet and lays it on the bar) That is me, and this is my class two license. This is a truck driver's bar, I am a truck driver, and these are my friends. Everybody's a little stunned after Jacob's speech. Razor Charlie picks up the license, looks at Jacob, looks at everyone in the party and smiles. RAZOR CHARLIE (to Jacob) Welcome to the Titty Twister. What can I get you? Seth BRUSHES OFF Big Emilio's paw. SETH Bottle of whiskey and five glasses. Razor Charlie's eyes go to Seth. Even though he has a big smile on his face, he looks like he's going to kill Seth. But instead he just says, RAZOR CHARLIE Coming right up. Razor Charlie goes for the bottle. Big Emilio gives the party one last look and walks away. Richard gives Jacob a buddy punch on the shoulder. RICHARD Good job, Pops. Seth's still frying an egg on his head. SETH That's just fuckin' typical. Biggest number one problem with Mexico, it's not service oriented. I was feelin' so good, and those fuckin' spies brought me down. Richard puts his arm around Seth. RICHARD Fuck 'em, shake it off. Razor Charlie brings the bottle and the glasses. Seth looks at the guy, still pissed. SETH You serve food, Jose? Razor Charlie knows Seth's taunting him with a racial slur, but he just smiles and says, RAZOR CHARLIE Best in Mexico. SETH I kinda doubt that. We're grabbin' a table, send over a waitress to take our order. Seth walks away, and the group follows him. We just hang on the evil wheels turning inside of Razor Charlie's head. The five of them move across the floor to a table. As they walk, Kate attracts stares, wolf whistles and rude comments from some of the patrons. Jacob keeps near his daughter. The dancers do their sexy routines. A big-chested, wild-haired blonde catches Scott's eye. She winks at him. Richard leans over and whispers in Scott's ear. RICHARD Anytime you want a lap dance with that broad, say the word. It's on me, kiddo. He gives the boy's neck a squeeze. Jacob's eyes survey the surroundings. Big Emilio and Razor Charlie quietly exchange words about the party in Spanish. RAZOR CHARLIE (in Spanish) They're not the normal road trash we normally feed on. But it'll be okay. No one knows they're here. The five of them find a table and sit down. Seth, still in a bad mood, takes the cork out of the whiskey bottle and tosses it. He pours Richie and himself a glass. SETH Who else? JACOB Pass. SETH (picking a fight) Why not, against your religion? JACOB (won't be baited) No, I do drink, I'm just not drinking now. SETH Suit yourself, more for me. (to Scott) Scotty? Scott shakes his head no. SETH (to Kate) How 'bout you? (pointing at Scott and Kate) are safer in here with us than wandering around a Mexican border town all night long. Just don't do nothin' stupid and we'll all get along fine. (to Scott) Scotty, you sure you don't want a drink? SCOTT Okay, I'll have one. JACOB No you won't. Seth pours Scott a shot. SETH Sorry, Pops, but I'm drinkin' and I don't like drinkin' alone. Bottoms up, boy. Scott takes the drink and he, too, experiences an on-drinker's tremor. Seth turns to Kate. SETH How about you, cutie pie? Ready for round two? KATE Okay. Seth just passes her the bottle. She pours her own shot and knocks it back. RICHARD (to Seth) Hey, Dr. Frankenstein, I think you just created a monster. Jacob turns to Seth and asks quietly. JACOB Why are you so agitated? SETH I'm still stewing about that ape laying hands on me. And that fuckin' bartender sticks a weed up my ass, too. JACOB He backed down. SETH He's smilin' at us. But behind his smile, he's sayin', "Fuck you Jack." I hear that loud and clear. JACOB What are you going to do? SETH (picking up the whiskey bottle) I'm gonna just sit here and drain this bottle. And when I've drunk the last drop, if I still feel then, the way I feel now, I'm gonna take this bottle and break it over his melon head. JACOB Before we stepped in here, you told all of us to be cool. That means you, too. SETH (tossing it off) I never said do what I do, I said do what I say. JACOB Are you so much a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won? Richard, Kate and Scott both turn to Jacob. Nobody can believe what he just said. Neither can Seth who calmly lays down his drinking glass. SETH What did you call me? JACOB Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again? Very well. Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? (pause) The entire state of Texas, along with the FBI, is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. They had every entrance to the border covered. There's no way you could get across. Did you? Yes, you did. You've won, Seth, enjoy it. Seth looks at Jacob, then picks up the bottle. SETH Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist. Jacob slides his empty glass over to Seth. Seth pours booze in Jacob's glass and his own. Both men pick up the glasses. SETH To your family. JACOB To yours. They both knock 'em back and slap the empty glasses down. JACOB Now, is your shit together? SETH Forever together. Seth turns to Scott. SETH In that camper out there I saw a guitar. I take it that's yours. SCOTT Yeah, it's mine. SETH Go out and bring it in. I feel a song coming on. CUT TO: Seth sitting at the table, playing guitar, singing Mexican songs. Some bikers, truckers, and whores have gathered around their table. Everyone's groovin'. Seth finishes the song. Everybody applauds. Razor Charlie behind the bar grabs the greasy microphone that he uses to announce dancers. RAZOR CHARLIE (announcer voice in Spanish) And now for your viewing pleasure. The Mistress of the Macabre. The Epitome of Evil. The most sinister woman to dance on the face of the earth. Lowly dogs, get on your knees, bow your heads and worship at the feet of SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM! The lights go down low. A light hits the stage. The opening notes of the Coaster's "Down in Mexico" fills the room. The crowd hushes up. And on the stage steps SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM. This Mexican goddess is beautiful, but not the beauty that Stendhal described in "As the Promise of Happiness," but the beauty of the siren who lures men to their doom. She dances to the raunchy music, not like she owned the stage, but like she owned the world. And if the patrons of the Titty Twister are her world, the world is proud to be her possession. All activity in the bar, save Santanico, stops. Even the Fuller/Gecko table falls under her spell. Especially Richard, Scott and Kate. Seth knows this song and accompanies from the table with the guitar. When the music builds to its explosive section. Santanico LEAPS from the stage, LANDING in the middle of the room. She does an eyes-closed voodoo dance in perfect step with the beat. As the music continues to play, a very fucked-up looking Chet Pussy walks in. He goes over to Razor Charlie and points at Seth's table, describing what happened. As the last verse plays, Santanico, like a snake, comes up from the ground, on top of the Fuller/Gecko table. Richard, Kate and Scott are enraptured. Santanico scans the table, zeroing in on our boy Richard. She STANDS OVER him. While moving her body to the music, she lifts up the whisky bottle from the table, and pours the whiskey down her leg. She lifts up her foot, with the whiskey dripping from her toes, and sticks it in Richard's face. SANTANICO (to Richard in Spanish) Drink up. Richie, mesmerized, sucks the whiskey off her toes. The CROWD GOES WILD. Santanico smiles, master of all she surveys. Jacob and Scott are embarrassed. Kate, oddly enough, is turned on by the controlling power this woman has over a man she's deathly feared. Seth laughs out loud a Mexican "yi yi yiii" laugh, keeping the beat with his guitar. Across the room, Razor Charlie, Chet by his side, motions over Big Emilio. He begins explaining with pointing what Seth and company did to Chet. Richard continues to suck her toes. The song ends, Santanico extracts her foot from Richard's mouth. Steps off the table. Takes a drink of whiskey. Looks down at the seated Richard. She GRABS the back of his hair, YANKS his head BACK. His mouth OPENS because she's hurting him. She LEANS her FACE OVER his like she's going to kiss him. Then let's the whiskey from her mouth fall into his. They never touch. The crowd applauds. She lets go of Richard's hair. Except for Jacob and Richard, both for their own reasons, the table applauds, none louder than Seth. SETH Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Now that's what I call a fuckin' show! One of Santanico's FLUNKIES brings the naked woman a robe, which she puts on. Richard, still in a daze, looks up at his new friend. SETH (snapping his fingers) Earth to Richie. Don't you wanna ask your new friend to join us? RICHARD Yeah. SETH Well, then ask her, dumb ass. RICHARD (looking up at Santanico) Por favor, Senorita. Would you care to join us? SANTANICO (to Richard) Muy bien, gracias. Santanico sits down next to Richie. Seth pours her a drink. SETH Richie, you lucky bastard! (to Santanico) Now, little lady, you could of just as easily done that to me. Who a Nelly! You got my dick harder 'n Chinese arithmetic. The table laughs. SETH Which reminds me of a joke. Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and she comes across Little Bo Peep, and Little Bo Peep says: "Little Red Riding Hood, are you crazy? Don't you know the Big Bad Wolf is walking these woods and if he finds you he's gonna pull down your dress and squeeze your titties?" Then Little Red Riding Hood hitches up her skirt and taps a .357 Magnum she has holstered on her thigh and says: "No he won't." As Seth tells his joke, Jacob notices Razor Charlie, Big Emilio and Chet moving rapidly towards their table. JACOB (to himself) Oh, shit. (to Seth) Seth -- Seth waves him away. SETH Not now. So finally she comes across the Big Bad Wolf and the Big Bad Wolf's laughing and says: "Little Red Riding Hood, you know better than to be walking around these woods alone. You know I'm just gonna have to pull down your dress and squeeze your titties." Then Little Red Riding Hood whips out her .357, cocks it, sticks it in the Big Bad Wolf's face and says: "No you won't. You're gonna eat me, just like the story says." Seth starts laughing at his own joke uproariously. Richard, Kate, Scott and Santanico join in too. Before Jacob can say anything -- The Titty Twister trio stand over the table. RAZOR CHARLIE (to Chet in Spanish) Which one? CHET (pointing at Seth) This piece of shit broke my finger and my nose... (pointing at Richard) then this fag kicked me in the ribs while I was down. That's all Big Emilio has to hear. BIG EMILIO (to The Gecko Brothers) Up! RICHARD Fuck off, ape man! Big Emilio leans in with his beefy hand, GRABS Richard by the shoulder. Richard lets out a howl as blood pours from his wounded shoulder. Santanico steps back from the table. Seth jumps to his feet and FIRES a round from his .45 into Big Emilio, sending his bullet-ridden body to the floor. Razor Charlie whips out a straight version of his name sake and SLASHES Seth across the face. Seth SCREAMS at the top of his lungs as his hand goes up to his laid open cheek. Richard, who has fallen to the ground holding his wound, brings up his .45 and starts BLASTING. Razor Charlie takes a bullet in the head, chest and belly before he hits the floor. Jacob and his children have hit the floor as well to stay out of gunfire. The bikers, truckers, waitresses and whores all stop what they were doing. The music continues to play, though the dancers stop dancing. Santanico, who's closest to the two brothers, smells something. Her NOSTRILS FLARE. Richard moves to his brother, who takes out a handkerchief and puts it to his face. RICHARD How are you? SETH Scarred for life, that's how I am! Seth looks up and sees Chet still standing there. SETH You thought it was pretty funny, didn't you? Both brothers FIRE on Chet. Chet's blown left... right... left... right... then drops, pointing their guns towards the crowd. SETH Everybody be cool, or you'll be just as dead as these fucks! SLOW MOTION: Blood drips down the side of Seth's face. SLOW MOTION: It splatters to the floor. The CAMERA scans the crowd. The patrons are scared, but the waitresses, whores and dancers lick their lips. SLOW MOTION: Blood drips from Richard's shoulder. It falls to the floor, splattering. WE MOVE INTO SANTANICO'S FACE. A special aroma fills her nostrils. Her eyes lock on Richard. The look on her face could easily be read as intense sexual desire. CLOSE-UP KATE ON FLOOR Looks up and watches, eyes wide with fear, Santanico's transformation. Her NOSE RECEDES INTO her face like a rodent's. The whites of her eyes turn YELLOW. The FANGS of a beast PROTRUDE from her mouth. Kate yells from the floor. KATE (yelling) Richie, look out! Before Richie can turn around. SANTANICO LEAPS ACROSS THE FLOOR, LANDS on his BACK and SINKS her FANGS into Richie's wounded SHOULDER. Richard LETS LOOSE with an agonizing SCREAM. Seth turns to his brother's cry. He sees SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM, like a mongoose attached to a cobra, legs wrapped around Richard's waist, fangs buried deep in his shoulder, and Richard screaming and slamming about, trying to knock her off. Richard screams to Seth: RICHARD Shoot her! Shoot her! Get her off! Seth tries to aim his gun, but there's too much movement. He can't get a clear shot. Jacob and his children can't believe what they're seeing. Richard can't take it anymore, his knees buckle. Santanico rides him down to the floor. Seth gets a clear shot, he takes aim and FIRES, hitting the vamp in the head, blowing her off his brother. Richard, who's on all fours, tries to stand and gets about half way before he stops, saying: RICHARD (with his dying breath) Fucking Bitch! He tumbles over, a corpse. SETH Richie. Suddenly, the eyes of Big Emilio, Razor Charlie and Chet Pussy pop open. The "dead" men sit up with evil grins on their faces. The patrons scream. A WHORE locks the front door (which is a complicated lock with steel rods going into the ground), turns toward the bar and yells: WHORE Dinner is served! The bikers and truckers who have been transfixed, watching the impossible, realize that the waitresses, naked dancers and whores who they were pawing just five minutes ago, have turned into yellow-eyed, razor-fanged, drool-dripping VAMPIRES. The vamps attack. What follows is a shark feeding frenzy. Whores, who had been sitting on customer's laps, sink their teeth into unshaven necks. Naked strippers and bikers wail the shit out of each other. Truckers get their heads caved in by women half their size. The patrons use what ever they can find to fend off the monsters: chairs, chair legs, broken bottles, switchblades, anything. Jacob, Kate and Scott make a dash and dive behind the bar. They hide and watch. Seth stands where his was, limp dick of a .45 in his hand, too freaked, scared and stunned to do anything. He stands motionless, watching what he can't believe. Behind him, Santanico, who lies next to the dead Richard, eyes POP OPEN. She RISES in her snake/dance way. Seth feels her and SPINS in her direction, gun raised. SANTANICO Let's see if you taste as good as your brother. She approaches Seth, who FIRES at her. BAM... BAM... BAM... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK. She laughs and gives her hair a toss back. Seth, moving backwards, is terrified. Santanico gives Seth a SWINGING ROUND HOUSE PUNCH to the JAW, that sends him FLYING over a table, SLIDING ACROSS the FLOOR and INTO the WALL. A bad-ass biker named FROST, with a hideous burn on the side of his face, stands on top of a pool table, swinging a pool cue, left to right, fending off vamps. Big Emilio picks up a biker who stabbed him with a switchblade and throws the poor bastard from one end of the bar to the other. The biker-winner of the bare knuckle fight, SEX MACHINE, goes head to head with a stripper. The vamp might have superhuman strength, but Sex Machine has close to superhuman strength, and he's matching the vamp bitch blow for blow. Then he GRABS her by the waist, LIFTS her up over his head and BRINGS her DOWN HARD on an upturned table, IMPALING her on the wooden leg. FROST is still swinging his POOL CUE, when Razor Charlie appears, straight razor in hand. Frost JUMPS off the table to meet the challenge. Razor Charlie SWINGS at him, Frost LEAPS back, SWINGING his pool cue at him. They do this dance, till Frost CRACKS Charlie UPSIDE the HEAD with the pool cue, breaking it in half. Charlie FEELS the HIT. Frost PLUNGES the splintered end of the cue in Razor Charlie's heart. Green blood comes out of his chest, as Charlie screams the vampire's death scream. Seth comes to and finds Santanico standing over him. He tries to rise, but Santanico places her bare foot on his chest, pinning him down to the floor. He tries to move, but the pressure of her foot is equivalent to an engine block placed on his chest. SANTANICO I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me, You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery. SLOW MOTION: A WHISKEY BOTTLE FLIES THROUGH the AIR, sailing end over end. CLOSE-UP SANTANICO looking down at Seth, her face contorts to FEED MODE, when the bottle HITS her SQUARE in the HEAD, SHATTERING. We see that Jacob behind the bar threw it. Santanico, bathed in whiskey and broken glass, is momentarily dazed. She looks down at Seth. Seth sits up, .45 in hand, and fires. Santanico is HIT in the CHEST. The bullet from the gun makes the liquor-soaked robe ignite. Santanico SCREAMS as she GOES UP IN FLAMES. Big Emilio sees Santanico's fiery death. He lets out a cry. BIG EMILIO Noooooo! He turns his hateful gaze on the two humans. Seth and Jacob see Big Emilio zeroing in on them, then they see him move his big frame in their direction. Seth turns to Jacob. SETH We may be in trouble. Big Emilio walks steadily through the bar like Godzilla walks through Tokyo. Tipping over tables, knocking fighting vamps and humans alike on their asses on his way to stamp out Seth and Jacob. A TRUCKER JUMPS in his path to attack him, with a QUICK SWING of his hand the trucker is brushed aside, receiving a broken neck for the effort. Big Emilio never breaks his stride or takes his eyes off Seth and Jacob. Seth and Jacob both grab pieces of wood, holding it like a weapon, but the wood looks puny compared to their opponent. Big Emilio stands in front of them. The two men hold their wood tight. Fangs grow in Big Emilio's mouth that make him look like a huge walking shark. Just when Big Emilio's ready to strike, he hears behind him, VOICE (O.S.) Hey, you, monkey man! Big Emilio turns and sees Sex Machine across the room. SEX MACHINE Anything you gotta say to them, say to me first. Both Seth and Jacob ATTACK Big Emilio from behind. He effortlessly knocks them away. They both hit the ground. Sex Machine gestures with his hand to Big Emilio to "come ahead." Big Emilio CHARGES towards Sex Machine, like a runaway locomotive. Sex Machine stands his ground waiting for IMPACT. The two huge men COLLIDE. What follows is literally a war of the Gargantuans. The two mastiffs POUND each other till one buckles. Finally, the one who buckles first is Big Emilio, who HITS the floor. Once on the floor, Seth and Jacob, stand over the huge vamp, BEATING him with clubs and pipes, like L.A.'s finest. The vamp can do nothing except SQUIRM on the floor from the savage beating. SEX MACHINE That's enough. Jacob and Seth stop. Sex Machine holds a pool cue in his hand. He SNAPS off the end tip, making it jagged, and like a spear, STICKS it into big vamp's fallen body. Big Emilio, SCREAMS, TWITCHES and dies. The pool cue sticks out straight up from the dead vamp. Chet Pussy spies Ms. Apple Pie Pussy herself, Kate. He breaks into a lecherous grin and licks the blood from around his mouth. Kate and Scott are cowering behind the bar when Chet appears over the top. They both let out a scream. Scott goes to protect his sister and receives a punch in the face for his trouble. Chet dives at Kate. CHET You know what everybody says about me? I suck! Chet goes to bite Kate, grabbing at her t-shirt, and sees her crucifix. HE recoils backwards. Scott grabs hold of his head from behind. Kate jumps up from the floor, rips off her cross and grabs Chet by his beatnik beard, opening his mouth. She SHOVES the cross inside. Chet's eyes roll up back into his head. Scott SLAPS Chet hard on the back. GULP. Chet has swallowed the crucifix. A SIZZLING sound is heard moving down from his throat to his belly. He opens his mouth and lets out a noise similar to a train whistle. He jumps up from behind the bar, doing a wild dance from pain. He jumps from wall to wall and floor to ceiling, screaming all the while. Kate and Scott watch him from the bar, mischievous grins on their faces. Chet is on his knees, arms stretched out, yelling at the top of his lungs like a vamp King Lear. CHET I-AM-IN-AGONNNYYYY! Chet breaks off a chair leg, muttering to himself. CHET Stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain... He plunges the stake into his own heart, but instead of the vampire's cry that escapes from the others upon being staked, Chet lets out a sigh of relief. By this time there are not too many people left. Most of the vampire have been killed by wooden stakes and most of the customers have been butchered or drained. All that's left on the vampire side are two naked dancers and two whores. On the human side are Seth, Jacob and his kids, Sex Machine and Frost. Aside from the children, who are hiding behind the bar, all the humans are holding wooden stakes. The four human men group together. The four female vampires charge, teeth exposed, snarling and dripping with blood. Seth, Jacob, Sex Machine and Frost raise their weapons and slam, almost simultaneously, the four vamps. All four staked bodies hit the floor. Kate and Scott run from behind the bar to their father's side. They all stand looking at the horrible carnage that has taken place. The floor is littered with dead bodies. FROST Ain't they supposed to burn up or something? At that moment a bright flash ERUPTS, illuminating everyone's face. The sound of quick burning flames fills the air. Everybody shields their eyes from the intense light, which lasts only a split second. It vanishes, along with the bodies of the vampires. All that remains is a smoldering mess of goo where the bodies once lay. They all stare at the mess for a few seconds and then RUN for the door. It's locked. They BANG on the door, but it's useless. It ain't budging, yet they all go on banging. Except for Seth. He never ran for the door. He walks over to his dead brother's body and kneels beside it. He takes his dead hand. SETH Richie, I'm sorry I fucked things up. You'd really like it in El Ray. We'd find peace there. I love you little brother, I'll miss ya bad. Seth goes to kiss his brother's lips when, RICHARD 'S EYES POP OPEN. They're YELLOW. Seth RAISES his head in surprise. RICHARD I'm glad you feel that way, Seth. I love you, too. Richard GRABS Seth by the front of his shirt and pulls him down to him. Fangs are now exposed. Seth tries to pull away. He SCREAMS for the others to help. Richard PULLS Seth down to striking distance and opens his mouth to take the big bite, when Sex Machine grabs Seth from behind and YANKS him from Richard's grasp. Jacob, Frost and the kids have surrounded Richard and proceed to KICK him and STOMP his head. Sex Machine picks up a chair and SMASHES it against a wall. He picks up one of the chair legs and walks over to where the others are holding Richard down. Richard sees the wood in the biker's hand. He knows what that means. Seth whips out his .45 and points it at Sex Machine. SETH Touch my brother with that stake, biker, and vampires won't need to suck your blood, they'll be able to lick it up off the floor. SEX MACHINE He ain't your brother no more. SETH That's a matter of opinion, and I don't give a fuck about your's. Jacob, Frost and the kids continue to hold Richard down to the ground. JACOB Don't be an idiot, he'll kill us all! Seth aims his gun at the group. SETH Shut up! Richard's giggling. RICHARD Yeah, shut up. Seth, still holding the outstretched gun, takes the stake out of Sex Machine's hand. Seth lowers the .45. SETH Hold him down. The smile evaporates from Richard's face. SETH Richie, here's the peace in death I could never give you in life. Seth puts the stake over Richard's heart. Using the butt of his .45 like a hammer, he POUNDS the stake into Richard's heart. Richard screams and dies. They all stand around the body as it BURSTS INTO FLAMES and disintegrates into goo. Seth breaks away from the group and walks over to the bar. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and starts downing it. Kate, of all people, walks away from the group and joins Seth at the bar. KATE Are you okay? SETH Peachy! Why shouldn't I be? The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory. KATE I'm really sorry. SETH Bullshit! You hate us. If you had half a chance you'd feed us to them! JACOB Then why didn't I? Jacob walks over to Seth. JACOB I saved your life. I didn't have to, but I did. And I'm sorry you lost your brother. I'm sorry he's dead. I'm sorry everybody's dead. Now, if we're gonna get out of this we need each other. And we need you sober and thinking, not drunk and... As Jacob has been talking, a sound has started that has grown LOUDER and LOUDER. Jacob stops in mid-sentence to identify it. JACOB What the hell is that? FROST At first I just thought it was birds. SEX MACHINE No, it's more of a gnawing sound. Birds peck, they don't gnaw. Rats gnaw. Seth puts the bottle in his hand down. SETH It's bats. EXT. TITTY TWISTER - NIGHT The outside of the Titty Twister is literally covered with hats, CLAWING, FLAPPING, GNAWING, trying like hell to get inside. INT. TITTY TWISTER - NIGHT Everybody listens to the bats SCRATCHING and clawing all along the walls, the roof and at the front door. Everyone's scared shitless and nobody has the slightest idea what to do next. The door begins to crack and splinter, little claws poke their way through. JACOB Give me a hand! Jacob runs to a table top. He grabs it and covers the area the bats are trying to claw through. The others grab other items to help secure and barricade the door. As the survivors are panickedly boarding up the door and the windows, a DEAD BIKER that the vampires fed on, pops open his yellow eyes. He sits up and sees all the furious activity. Everyone's so busy they don't notice their new friend. The dead biker vamp sets his sights on Kate, who's putting a board into place. He springs to his feet and POUNCES on her, just as Sex Machine turns from across the room in her direction. SEX MACHINE Watch out, girly! The biker vamp GRABS Kate from behind. She lets out a scream. The vamp holds her close to him in a bear hug, but she's moving around so much he can't get a clear bite. The others hear the scream and look toward Kate. Sex Machine, Big Emilio's baseball bat in hand, is halfway to the rescue. As the biker vamp opens his mouth to take a juicy bite out of Kate's shoulder, Kate RAMS her head back, hitting the vamp in the mouth and breaking his fangs. He releases her and spits out his teeth just as Sex Machine runs up and SWINGS the baseball bat upside the vamp's head, breaking the bat in two and sending the vamp to the floor. As the vamp lies on the floor seeing stars, Sex Machine grabs one of the broken ends of the bat and SHOVES it in the vamp's heart. He dies and bursts into flames. At that point, three other dead victims rise to a sitting position. Sex Machine grabs a chair and THROWS it to the ground, breaking it. He grabs the four legs. SEX MACHINE (mumbling to himself) Goddamn fuckin' vampires. The biker has turned into Captain Sex Machine, Vampire Hunter. He stakes two of the vampires as they get to their feet. Both SPEW green blood, scream, die and burst into flames. The third, a trucker vampire wearing a cat cap, SMACKS Sex Machine in the mouth, which sends the biker for a loop. As CAT CAP runs toward the fallen Sex Machine, Kate JUMPS on his back from behind. Both of them go tumbling into a stack of whiskey cases. Sex Machine runs over and grabs Kate by the hand, pulling her up and out of the way. Cat Cap is lying in a pile of broken bottles and whiskey. Sex Machine raises his stake as Cat Cap dies and DRIVES it in the vamp's black heart. Cat Cap dies and bursts into flames, which hits the whiskey, starting a giant fire. SEX MACHINE Fire! Frost and Jacob stop barricading and run to the fire. FROST (to Sex Machine) We'll put this out. You stake the rest of these fuckers. SEX MACHINE Way ahead of ya. (to Kate) What's your name, girly? KATE Kate, what's yours? SEX MACHINE Sex Machine. Pleased to meet'cha. Kate, let's stake these blood-sucker fuckers. Kate and Sex Machine give each other a high five and go to work STAKING the dead bodies. Jacob and FROST beat down the fire with their jackets and whatever else is at hand. A hole begins to appear where a window had been plastered over. Little claws scrape their way through. Scott stands in front of the window. SCOTT (yelling) We got a problem! Seth, who is barricading doors and window, looks in Scott's direction. The hole in the plaster cracks open and out POPS a little, fleshy vampire bat/rat head. The bat/rat, which is SQUEAKING and HISSING its head off, tries to SQUEEZE its body through the newly formed hole. Seth, gun in hand, RUNS to the window. He points the .45, point-blank range at the head of the bat/rat. The bat/rat sees this, makes an "oh shit" face, and YANKS his head back through the hole. Seth was ready to fire, he lowers his gun in bewilderment, when... WHAM ! The bat/rat BURSTS through the hole, like shot out of a cannon, HITTING Seth in the gut and sending him FLYING, LANDING HARD on his back. Once Seth hits the ground, the bat-thing (which has the body of a fat rat with a bat's large wingspan) lickity-split RUNS UP Seth's body to his juggler. Seth's hand GRABS the bat's neck, and tries to PUSH it away. But the bat-thing has its CLAWS DUG in Seth's clothes. The bat-thing is just inches from Seth's face. Its mouth is SNAPPING. SETH Get this bastard off of me! Frost leaves Jacob with the fire, comes from behind and GRABS the bat-thing and YANKS it off of Seth. Sex Machine and Kate are a green, bloody mess from their preventative staking of dead bodies. Sex Machine kneels by a dead body, raising the stake in his hand to spear him. The body SPRINGS UP and bites Sex Machine on the arm. Red blood squirts all over. Sex Machine screams, then brings the stake down in the body's chest. It dies, burns and turns into goo. Sex Machine holds his bit arm and wraps it with a piece of his shirt. He quickly looks around to see if anybody saw him get bit. Nobody saw it, everybody was too busy. Frost holds the FLAPPING, FIGHTING, SNAPPING bat-thing in front of him at arm's length. He struggles with it for a while, then... BASHES its head against the bar. The first bash takes some fight out of the little fucker, so... Frost BASHES his head against the bar six or seven times. He then THROWS the bat-thing on the bar, turns it over, garbs a pencil in a cup next to the register, and RAMS it in the bat-thing's heart. The bat-thing coughs and dies. There's a FLASH of FLAMES, followed by a pile of goo. Sex Machine and Kate have covered up a hole in the plastered window with a table while Frost, Scott and Seth wrestle with the bat-thing. Jacob has put out the fire. Everybody comes together, exhausted, and takes a breather. Outside, the bats continue to try and claw their way in. JACOB Is everybody okay? Everyone mutters "yeah." JACOB Okay, does anybody here know what's going on? SETH Yeah, I know what's going on. We got a bunch of fuckin' vampires outside trying to get inside and suck our fuckin' blood! That's it, plain and simple. And I don't wanna hear any bullshit about "I don't believe in vampires" because I don't fuckin' believe in vampires either. But I do believe in my own two fuckin' eyes, and with my two eyes I saw fuckin' vampires! Now, does everybody agree we're dealin' with vampires. Everybody agrees. SETH You too, preacher? JACOB I'm like you. I don't believe in vampires, but I believe in what I saw. SETH Good for you. Now, since we all believe we're dealing with vampires, what do we know about vampires? Crosses hurt vampires. Do you have a cross? JACOB In the Winnebago. SETH In other words, no. SCOTT What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross. SEX MACHINE He's right. Peter Cushing does that all the time. SETH I don't know about that. In order for it to have any power, I think it's gotta be an official crucifix. JACOB What's an official cross? Some piece of tin made in Taiwan? What makes that official? If a cross works against vampires, it's not the cross itself, it's what the cross represents. The cross is a symbol of holiness. SETH Okay, I'll buy that. So we got crosses covered, moving right along, what else? FROST Wooden stakes in the heart been workin' pretty good so far. SEX MACHINE Garlic, holy water, sunlight... I forget, does silver do anything to a vampire? SCOTT That's werewolves. SEX MACHINE I know silver bullets are werewolves. But I'm pretty sure silver has some sort of effect on vampires. KATE Does anybody have any silver? ALL No. KATE Then who cares? SCOTT When's sunrise? Jacob looks at his watch. JACOB About two hours from now. KATE So all we have to do is get by for a few more hours and then we can walk right out the front door. SEX MACHINE Yeah, that's true, but I doubt our barricades, that door, those plastered windows and these walls will last two more hours with those bat fucks fuckin' with 'em. JACOB Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book. SEX MACHINE You mean like a Time-Life book? Everybody laughs. FROST (in a cowboy voice) John Wesley Hardin, so mean he once shot a man for snorin'. JACOB I take it the answer's no. Okay then, what do we know about these vampires? SETH Aside from they're thirsty. FROST Well, one thing, they might got super human strength, but you can hurt 'em. JACOB Yeah, that bottle upside the head of Santanico didn't kill her, but it didn't feel too good either. SEX MACHINE Another thing, you try and ram a broken chair leg in a human, you better be one strong son-of-a-bitch. The human body is one rough-tough machine. But these vamps got soft bodies. The texture of their skin is softer, mushier. You can push shit right through 'em. Conceivably, if you hit one hard enough, you could take their fuckin' head off. SCOTT You could take their head off. SETH Actually, our best weapon against these satanic cocksuckers is this man. (he points at Jacob) He's a preacher. Frost and Sex Machine look toward Jacob. SETH As far as God's concerned, we might just as well be a piece of fuckin' shit. But he's one of the boys. Only one problem, his faith ain't what it used to be. Jacob PUNCHES Seth in the mouth, sending him to the floor. Jacob stands over him. JACOB I've had enough of your taunts. Seth looks up from the floor. SETH I'm not taunting you. We need you. A faithless preacher doesn't mean shit to us. But a man who's a servant of God can grab a cross, shove it in these monsters' asses. A servant of God can bless the tap water and turn it into a weapon. Seth rises. SETH I know why you lost your faith. How could true holiness exist if your wife can be taken away from you and your children? Now, I always said God can kiss my fuckin' ass. Well, I changed my lifetime tune about thirty minutes ago' cause I know, without a doubt, what's out there trying to get in here is pure evil straight from hell. And if there is a hell, and those monsters are from it, there's got to be a heaven. Now which are you, a faithless preacher or a mean, mother fuckin' servant of God? Jacob has to laugh at that. So does everybody else. Jacob sticks out his hand and shakes Seth's. JACOB I'm a mean, mother fucking servant of God. The laughter and good humor passes quickly and the only sound to be heard is that of the bats gnawing and clawing. It immediately reminds the group of the deep, deep shit they're in. KATE I don't know if I can take two hours of that noise. FROST You can. You'll take it 'cause ya got no choice. How'd ya like twenty four hours of it, lying in a muddy ditch with only the rotting corpses of your friends to keep you company? JACOB What are you talking about? FROST Back in '72 I was in Nam, trapped behind enemy lines, lying in a rat hole with my entire squad dead. They thought they killed everybody, and except for me, they were right. But it wasn't for lack of trying. A grenade blew up right next to me, that's why I'm so pretty. They thought I was dead, so I played dead. They dumped all the bodies in a ditch. All I could do was lie there playing possum. Dead bodies under me, dead bodies on top of me, listening to the enemy laugh and joke hour after hour after hour... As Frost goes into his monologue, the sound fades out and the camera moves to Sex Machine. He's having a hot flash. He can't hear anything. He's looking at Frost speaking, but he doesn't hear any sound. Then he hears a deep, MALE VOICE say: MALE VOICE (V.O.) Thirst. "Who the fuck was that?" he thinks to himself. He turns around: nobody's there. No one else in the group seems to hear it, A FEMALE VOICE seductively says: FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) Thirst. We hear Sex Machine's thought in a voice answer. SEX MACHINE (V.O.) Stop fucking saying that! TWO MALE VOICES (V.O.) Thirst! SEX MACHINE (V.O.) That bite weren't nothin'. It just hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, that's all. It barely punched the skin. Sex Machine looks at Frost, who's acting out his story. The biker is pantomiming fighting and slashing. He's describing all the while, but we can't hear anything. All we hear are many voices, male, female, children saying: VOICES (V.O.) Thirst... Thirst... Thirst... Sex Machine begins looking at the other members of the group in a thirsty way. He stares at each of their necks, closer and closer until he can see the veins on Frost's neck actually pulsating, throbbing, beckoning to him. Sex Machine has turned into a vampire. The sound comes back as Frost finishes his story. FROST ...and then when I came back to my senses, I realized I had killed the entire V.C. squadron single handedly. My bayonet had blood and chunks of yellow flesh on it like some cannibal shish kabob. And to this day I don't have the slightest idea how I -- Sex Machine lets out a hideous cry. SEX MACHINE THIRST! Frost SCREAMS as Sex Machine grabs hold of him and BITES into his neck. The group tries to PULL the TWO men apart. Jacob gets his arm around Sex Machine's neck and tries pulling. Sex Machine takes his teeth out of the biker's neck and SINKS them in Jacob's arm. Jacob SCREAMS and lets go. Seth, Kate and Scott react to Jacob being bit. Sex Machine GRABS Jacob and TOSSES him effortlessly over the bar, CRASHING into a shelf full of liquor bottles. Frost HOPS around the room, mad as a hornet, holding his bleeding neck. FROST I been bit! He fuckin' bit me! Sex Machine PUNCHES Seth in the face, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. He smacks the shit out of Kate. She goes FLYING into a table. Sex Machine turns, seeing Frost breaking off a big table leg. Frost looks at the big vamp. FROST (to Sex Machine) You're dead, mother fucker! You're gonna bite me! You just turned me into a vampire, asshole! SEX MACHINE What are you gonna do about it? Frost, table leg in hand, RUNS, SCREAMING his head off, straight at Sex Machine. Sex Machine's nostrils flare. He raises his meaty fist and pulls it back, so he can really haul off. Frost, top speed, stake raised, screaming. Sex Machine lets loose with his punch, Seth, Scott and Kate look up from the floor. Jacob rises from behind the bar. Frost's face COLLIDES with Sex Machine's fist. Sex Machine hits Frost so hard it lifts the biker off the ground and propels him through the air. Seth sees where Frost is heading and says: SETH Oh shit! Jacob sees. JACOB Good lord! Frost, in mid-air, HITS the barricaded, plastered overwindow and CRASHES through it. Sex Machine lets loose with a maniacal laugh. Hundreds of bat-things fly into the bar. Seth grabs the two kids by the hand and runs for the backroom. Behind the bar, Jacob grabs two pieces of wood from off the ground. Ten bat-things are in hot pursuit of Seth, Kate and Scott, who are RUNNING for their lives. They get to the door of the back room, whip it open, dive in and SLAM it behind them. An ugly, fleshy bat-thing manges to get its head caught in the door as it closes. Kate and Scott PUSH on the door as hard as they can. The bat-thing's head, which is inside, screams, howls and snaps in fury. Seth turns toward the bat/vamp in the door. He sticks his .45 in its big mouth. SETH You wanna suck something, suck on this! He FIRES four shots that blow the bat vamp's head all over the wall. Kate yells: KATE We have to go back for Daddy! SETH Daddy's dead. KATE Noooo! She spins and grabs the door knob, ready to fling the door and help her father. Scott grabs her and pushes her up against the wall. SCOTT He's right, Kate. Daddy's dead! He was too far away. If flinging that door and filling this room with those bat-things would save him, I'd fling it. The only thing it'll do is turn us into one of them. SETH He needs our help! SCOTT He's beyond our help. You saw him get bit. I saw him get bit. We all saw it. You can't help him. I've got no one left to lose but you. I can't be alone again. We're sticking together. Just then they hear Jacob's voice BOOMING from the bar room. INT. BAR ROOM - NIGHT Jacob, holding a cross made out of two sticks and reciting appropriate verse from the bible, is keeping the vampires at bay. But, as Seth predicted, it is the shining power of his restored faith that is his mightiest weapon. Jacob is making his way through the vampires, toward the back door. A lot of the bats have transformed into bat/devil/human creatures. The creatures stand at the edge of Jacob's force field of holiness. Many bat things fly around the bar like mad, whirling dervishes. A cluster of bat-things over above and in front of Jacob. They all growl and hiss at the man of god. For every one step forward Jacob takes, the vampire stake one step back. Jacob recites the verse from the bible in a threatening, mean, mother fucking, servant of god tone. As he speaks with authority and strength, he sees Frost lying on the ground, bat-things on him like ants on a candy bar. But Jacob is too much in control to let even this repugnant sight trip him up. Jacob has backed himself up by the door. JACOB Open the door. The door FLIES open. Jacob jumps inside. The door SLAMS shut. Jacob hugs daughter and son. As he hugs them, we see his bloody arm. When he releases them, they can't help but notice. SETH Did he...? JACOB Yep. Seth explodes, knocking over boxes, busting chairs, tipping over tables and cussing a blue streak. SETH Fuck, piss, shit! Mother fuckin' vampires! Mother fuckin' vampires! Goddamn mother fuckin' vampires! Seth runs over to the barricaded door and yells to the creatures on the other side. SETH You all are gonna fuckin' die! I'm gonna fuckin' kill every last one of you godless pieces of shit! JACOB (to Seth) You bet your sweet ass you are, and I'm gonna help you do it. But we ain't got much time. Kate is crying, she knows what's happened to her father. KATE You're gonna be okay, aren't you, daddy? JACOB No, I'm not. I've been bit. In effect, I'm already dead. Scott and Kate, crying, grab their father and hold on for dear life. Jacob wants to cry, but if he breaks down, the kids will never have the courage for what they must do. JACOB (to his children) Children, listen to me. I love you two more than anybody. And I just want you to know you've made me proud all your lives. But never more so than tonight. And I wish we could sit here and cry till I pass on, but we can't. Because I'm not going to pass on. I'm going to turn into a monster. And when I do, I'm going to be dangerous. But before that happens, just know I love you. (to Seth and the kids) Now, I'd say in the next twenty or thirty minutes our friends outside will bust in this door. And I'll probably turn into a vampire within the hour. Now, you have two choices. You can wait for me to turn, then deal with me, then wait for them to burst inside here and the three of you will deal with them. Or, we can kick open that door and the four of us can hit 'em with everything we have, and carve a path right through 'em to front entrance. But if we're gonna go at 'em, we gotta go at 'em now. I confused them, I scared them, I took them off guard. But they're going to get unconfused, they're going to get unscared, they're going to get together and they're going to hit that door like a ton of bricks. And when that moment arrives, we gotta be ready. Jacob sees that the back room is pretty damn big and filled with boxes and crates. JACOB What's this stuff? SETH My guess is that this little dive's been feeding on nomad road waifs like bikers and truckers for a longtime. This is probably some of the shipments they stole off the trucks. JACOB Well, I say lets tear this place apart for weapons. So when they burst through that door, we'll make 'em wish they never did. SETH I don't give a shit about living or dying anymore. I just want to send as many of these devils back to hell as I can. JACOB Amen. MONTAGE The survivors are opening boxes and prying open crates. A lot of what they find is bullshit. Pantyhose, coffee, teddy bears, etc. But a few of the boxes are just what the doctor ordered. Cases from a sporting good supplier yield a shipment of baseball bats. Meant to arrive at toy stores are a shipment of Uzi replica squirt guns and a box of balloons. And captured en route to a hardware store are shipments of power tools, saws and jack hammers. Seth and Scott saw the bats into wooden stakes. Kate fills the Uzi squirt guns with tap water from the backroom sink. Jacob, with Seth's knife, etches a cross into every bullet in the .45 automatic's last full clip of ammo. Vampires all start converging on the back room door, getting their courage back. Kate makes water balloons. Scott sharpens the stakes to a point with the tools. Seth attaches a wooden stake to the end of a jackhammer. Jacob blesses the water in the squirt guns and balloons, turning it into holy water. Our heroes work together, preparing for the battle to come. The back room door, barricaded with crates and boxes, begins to be pounded on by the undead on the other side. The room tone is a combination of chewing, scratching, pounding, squeaking and screaming. Finally they're ready. Jacob turns to his kids. JACOB Before we go any further, I need you three to promise me something. I'll fight with you to the bitter end, but when I turn into one of them, I won't be Jacob anymore. I'll be a lap dog of Satan. I want you three to promise you'll take me down, no different from the rest. The kids can't say the words. SETH I promise. JACOB Kate, Scott? KATE I promise. JACOB Scott? SCOTT Yeah, I promise. Jacob doesn't believe them. JACOB Why don't I believe you? (he picks up the .45) I'm gonna ask you two again, then I want you to swear to God that you'll kill me. If you don't, I'm gonna just kill myself right now. Now, since you need me I think you better swear. Kate, do you swear to God that when I turn into one of the undead, you'll kill me? Kate doesn't answer. Jacob places the .45 barrel against his temple. JACOB Kate, we don't have all day, so I'm only gonna count to five. One...two... three... four... KATE Okay, okay, I promise I'll do it! JACOB Not good enough, swear to God. KATE I swear to God, our father, that when you change into one of the undead, I will kill you. JACOB Good girl. Now, Scott, we have even less time, so I'm only giving you the count of three. One... SCOTT You don't believe in suicide. JACOB It's not suicide if you're already dead. Two... SCOTT Okay, I'll kill you when you change, I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name. JACOB Thank you, son. SETH Okay, vampire killers, let's kill some fuckin' vampires. INT. BARROOM - NIGHT The vampires, bat-things and what have you, start BREAKING down the door. They are in a mad frenzy. They burst through the door. Waiting for them are Scott and Kate holding Uzi squirt guns and water balloons draped down their chests on a belt like grenades. Jacob is holding a cross made of sharp wooden stakes and the .45 with the cross bullets. Seth is holding the jackhammer. The survivors walk out of the back room into the bar. The vamps back up, letting them inside. What we have here is a Mexican standoff, a la "The Wild Bunch." A moment of peace before the battle. The vamps just watch the humans. The humans just watch the vamps. Then, like the bull in the china shop, Seth ends the peace by starting up the jackhammer. SETH Kill 'em all! Jacob holds up the cross, the vamps react. The kids SPRAY the crowd with UZI fire, burning vampire flesh. The pack of vamps retreat while the Fuller squad walk forward. They are attacked on all sides, but they keep moving towards the door. Seth slams the stakes into several of the vamps, it speeds in and out of vampire chests, each time spraying him in green vamp blood. Jacob shoves his cross stake into a vampire with one hand and SHOOTS three vampires with blessed bullets with the other. Flame BURSTS from the vampires' chests when the bullets hit. Kate and Scott both whip water balloons off their belts and toss them into the crowd. They burst and FRY several of the vamps, who fall, screaming in pain. From its perch on a wood ceiling beam, a bat-thing drops and HURLS toward the group. Jacob sees it, raises his gun and FIRES. The bat-thing bursts into a ball of screaming fire. Seth continues carving a path to the front door by slamming the hammer stake into vampire chests. The front door is barricaded again by a big table and other junk. SCOTT (yelling) Why did they block the door again? JACOB (yelling) To keep the daylight out! This is where they sleep! Get to the door! Seth tries to get to the front door, when Sex Machine, now a half bat, half devil vamp, about six foot seven, drops from above in front of him. Seth RAMS the stake in its chest. The Sex Machine-thing screams out, LIFTING the hammer and Seth off the ground. Seth is thrown from his hold on the hammer across the room, he CRASHES into a table. The Sex Machine-thing falls back with the jackhammer sticking out of his chest, dead. Kate, spraying Uzi fire like Rambo, sees Seth fall. She screams: KATE Seth! Seth quickly gets up to find himself surrounded by vampires on all sides. With no weapons, he puts up on dukes. SETH Okay, dead boys, come on! Take a bite and feel all right! Kate clusters with her father and Scott. KATE (yelling) I'm going for 'em! JACOB No! KATE Everybody goes home! Kate turns into a squirt gun firing, water-balloon throwing, one-woman army, as she breaks from her father and heads in Seth's direction. KATE (screaming) Die, monster, die! Die, monster, die! Kate mows down the group by Seth, they lie on the floor, burning in agony. Kate takes Seth's hand and gives him a couple of water balloons and a stake. KATE (to Seth) Watch my back! SETH Anytime. Cutting through vampires, the two make their way across the bar. Jacob, firing the .45, takes out several more vampires in fiery death. Scott fires the Uzi and chucks more water balloons. As Jacob fights, all of a sudden the sound goes out. He can't hear anything. He wonders if he's gone deaf. He starts to hear the words: "Thirst, thirst, thirst." He notices the vampires have stopped attacking him. They look at him wit happy smiles on their devilish faces. Fangs begin to grow. His eyes are yellow. Scott turns to his dad. He sees his father is a monster. Jacob, with a devilish grin on his face, GRABS Scott and sinks his teeth into Scott's forearm. Scott screams bloody murder as his dad begins to drain him of blood. Scott takes one of the water balloons he's wearing and SMASHES it against Jacob's head. The holy water melts half of Jacob's face away. He lets go of Scott, screaming, and drops the .45 on the floor. Scott drops to the ground, picking up the gun. He brings it up to fire. A totally evil Jacob, with only half a face, matches stares with the boy he once called his son. Scott's eyes turn to steel. SCOTT I swear to God, in Jesus Christ's name. He FIRES, sending a holy bullet into Jacob's forehead, creating a hole from which fire shoots out. Jacob's entire head bursts into flames, then explodes. From across the room, Fate sees her daddy ignite. She cries out. In the thick of the battle, Seth yells: SETH Fight now, cry later. Kate takes his advice and hits a vamp square in the face with a holy water balloon, which melts his head. A bat-thing lands on the back of Scott's neck. He screams as it bites into him. He drops the .45. Kate sees Scott get bit. KATE Oh my god. Another bat-thing lands on Scott's arm and takes a bite. Scott screams. KATE You bastards! She goes to spray them when her Uzi runs out of water. Now seven bat-things are on Scott biting and sucking blood. Scott is in agony. SCOTT Kill me, Kate! Kate runs for her brother, does a DIVE and a ROLL, coming up by the .45, SNATCHING it in one motion and FIRING three times. One... two... three bat-things are hit, shoot flames, then all of them EXPLODE, BLOWING UP Scott. The remaining vamps approach. All the humans have left is a few bullets and one holy balloon. SETH How many bullets left, kid? KATE Not many. SETH Well, when you run out of weapons, just start cold cocking 'em. Make 'em sing for their supper. The two survivors are backed up against a wall. Two bat things do a Kamikaze dive from the air toward Seth. Seth throws the holy balloon at them. Direct hit. The two bat-things burst into flames and spiral to the floor. The two survivors look at the vampires, who stand before them. A moment of stillness before the attack. Kate stands holding the .45, arm outstretched. KATE (to Seth) Should I use the last bullets on us? SETH You use 'em on the first couple of these parasites that try to bite you. The vamps begins to close in. Kate lines up the .45 sights on the face of an approaching vampire. Seth holds the Uzi like a club, ready to bash in the first vampire's head that gets in swinging distance. Beams of sunlight shoot through the holes that Kate shot through the wall. Approaching vampires burn. The scorched vamps scream like they've never screamed before. SETH Shoot more holes! Kate turns away from the vamps and shoots holes in the wall behind him, Daylight comes through, providing Kate and Seth with a safe, lighted area. The .45's empty. The vamps hiss and scream at the frustration of not being able to get at them. The two survivors hold hands, when... All of a sudden the door to the Titty Twister is pounded on from the outside. The vamps look towards it in horror. From the other side of the door, we hear a voice with a Spanish accent. VOICE (O.S.) (in Spanish) I'm looking for my friend. Is Seth in there? SETH (yelling) Carlos! (in Spanish) Help us, bash the door. Bash the door in! CARLOS (O.S.) (in Spanish) Danny, Manny, knock down the door. Hurry, hurry! The vamps are totally fucking freaked out! They run and fly around the bar in a panic. Crying, howling, grabbing onto each other. The front door is TORN apart from shotgun fir coming from the outside, punching holes the size of basketballs in the door. The table in front of the door gives and FALLS forward. The door caves in and sunlight invades the bar. Many vamps are instantly fried, bursting into flames. The Mexican gangster CARLSO and his two henchmen, DANNY and MANNY, are horrified at what they see. They cross themselves in fright. Vampires search for dark corners, but all is lost. Sunlight hits a mirrored ball attached to the ceiling, sending hundreds of beams of sunlight scattering through the room. Vamps try and dodge the beams. No dice. All around the vamps combust in fiery explosions. The Titty Twister is now on fire, burning out of control. Seth and Kate run through the building and leap through the door into the parking lot. EXT. TITTY TWISTER PARKING LOT - MORNING Carlos, Danny and Manny help them to their feet and walk them away from the blazing bar. They catch their breath by Carlos's Mercedes. CARLOS (to Seth) What the fuck was going on in there? Seth signals Carlos to wait a minute while he catches his breath. Then he hauls off and PUNCHES Carlos square in the kisser. Danny and Manny aim their shotguns at Seth. CARLOS (in Spanish) Whatsamatter with you? Are you crazy? SETH Why the fuck, outta all the god forsaken shit holes in Mexico, did you have us rendezvous at that place? CARLOS I don't know, one place's as good as another. SETH Have you ever been there before? CARLOS No, but I passed by it a couple of times. It's out in the middle of nowhere. It seems like a rowdy place, so there wouldn't be a lot of police. And it's open from dusk till dawn. You said meet you in the morning. SETH Well, because you picked that place out of a hat, my brother's dead now. And this girl's family's dead. Carlos stands up again. CARLOS I'm sorry to hear that. What were they, psychos? SETH Did they look like psychos? They were fuckin' vampires. Psychos don't explode when sunlight hits 'em, I don't care how crazy they are. Danny and Manny react to the vampire news by crossing themselves again. CARLOS Oh, Seth, how can I ever make it up to you? SETH You can't, but fifteen percent instead of thirty for my stay at El Ray is a good start. CARLOS Twenty-eight. SETH Jesus Christ, Carlos, my brother's dead and he's not coming back, and it's all your fault. Twenty. They look at each other, then shake hands, saying in unison. SETH AND CARLOS (in Spanish) Twenty-five. Seth gets the suitcase and gives Carlos 25%. Seth walks over to a red 1990 Porsche 911. CARLOS You like the car? SETH I said new, this is an '90. CARLOS It's hardly been used at all. I got it from a drug dealer who only drove it 5 times in as many years. Swear to God. That's like new. SETH So do I just follow you? CARLOS Yeah, follow us. SETH So let's do it. CARLOS (to Danny and Manny) Vamanos! Carlos, Danny and Manny pile into Carlo's white Mercedes. Seth by his Porsche, looks back at Kate. Kate stands alone. The whole desert seems between them. So much to say ... but no words. SETH I'm sorry. KATE Me too. Long pause. SETH See ya. KATE Later. Seth turns his back on her. Just as he opens the door, Kate says behind him: KATE (O.S.) Seth. Seth turns around. KATE You want some company? Seth smiles. SETH Kate honey, I may be a bastard. But I'm not a fuckin' bastard. He blows her a kiss across the desert. She blows one back. Seth's in his car and GONE. Kate turns around, faces endless desert before her, and begins her long walk home. THEME OF MOVIE BEGINS POUNDING THE END
FROZEN Written by Jennifer Lee Final Shooting Draft 9/23/13 OPEN ON: ICE. We're underwater looking up at it. A saw cuts through, heading right for us. EXT. SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS -- DUSK ICE HARVESTERS, dressed in traditional Sami clothing, score a frozen lake. They SING. "The Frozen Heart (Ice Worker's Song)" ICE HARVESTERS BORN OF COLD AND WINTER AIR AND MOUNTAIN RAIN COMBINING, THIS ICY FORCE BOTH FOUL AND FAIR HAS A FROZEN HEART WORTH MINING. The men drag giant ice blocks through channels of water. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) CUT THROUGH THE HEART, COLD AND CLEAR. STRIKE FOR LOVE AND STRIKE FOR FEAR. SEE THE BEAUTY SHARP AND SHEER. SPLIT THE ICE APART! AND BREAK THE FROZEN HEART. Hup! Ho! Watch your step! Let it go! A young Sami boy, KRISTOFF (8), and his reindeer calf, SVEN, share a carrot as they try to keep up with the men. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) Hup! Ho! Watch your step! Let it go! Young Kristoff struggles to get a block of ice out of the water. He fails, ends up soaked. Sven licks his wet cheek. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) BEAUTIFUL! POWERFUL! DANGEROUS! COLD! ICE HAS A MAGIC CAN'T BE CONTROLLED. A sharp ice floe overtakes the workers, threateningly. They fight it back. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) STRONGER THAN ONE, STRONGER THAN TEN STRONGER THAN A HUNDRED MEN! Massive fjord horses drag heavy ice plows. 2 FROZEN - J. Lee ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) BORN OF COLD AND WINTER AIR AND MOUNTAIN RAIN COMBINING The sun sets. Lanterns are lit. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) THIS ICY FORCE BOTH FOUL AND FAIR HAS A FROZEN HEART WORTH MINING. CUT THROUGH THE HEART, COLD AND CLEAR. In the dark, Kristoff and Sven finally manage to get a single block of ice out of the water. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) STRIKE FOR LOVE AND STRIKE FOR FEAR. THERE'S BEAUTY AND THERE'S DANGER HERE. SPLIT THE ICE APART! BEWARE THE FROZEN HEART. The workers pile onto the giant horse-drawn ice sled as it pulls away. Left behind, Kristoff and Sven push their ice block onto a dinky little sled then head off. We sweep up from them to the Northern Lights filling the sky...then move across the mountains...beneath the snowline...and descend upon... EXT. THE KINGDOM OF ARENDELLE -- NIGHT A humble castle, built of wood, nestled in a deep fjord. INT. CASTLE, NURSERY -- NIGHT ELSA (8) sleeps in her bed. Her little sister ANNA (5) pops up beside her. YOUNG ANNA Elsa. Psst. Elsa! Psst. Elsa doesn't stir. Anna sits on Elsa and bounces. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. YOUNG ELSA (grumbling) Anna, go back to sleep. Anna rolls onto her back and spreads all her weight on Elsa. 3 FROZEN - J. Lee YOUNG ANNA (drama queen-ish) I just can't. The sky's awake, so I'm awake, so we have to play. YOUNG ELSA ...Go play by yourself. Elsa shoves Anna off the bed. Anna lands butt to floor, sighs, defeated. But then she gets an idea. She hops back on the bed and lifts one of Elsa's eyelids. YOUNG ANNA (mischievously) Do you want to build a snowman? Elsa's eyes both pop open. She smiles. INT. CASTLE STAIRCASE -- NIGHT Anna, now wearing snow boots, pulls Elsa by the hand. YOUNG ANNA Come on, come on, come on, come on. Elsa tries to shush her, but Anna's too excited. INT. BALLROOM -- NIGHT The girls sneak into the ballroom. Elsa shuts the door. YOUNG ANNA Do the magic! Do the magic! Elsa laughs and waves her hands together. Snowflakes suddenly burst forth and dance between her palms, forming a snowball. Elsa throws the snowball high into the air. Snow bursts out and flurries around the room. Anna dances about, catching flakes in her palms and mouth. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) This is amazing! YOUNG ELSA Watch this! Elsa stomps her little slippered foot and a layer of ice suddenly coats the floor, forming a giant ice rink. Anna slides off, laughing. 4 FROZEN - J. Lee PLAY MONTAGE: -Anna and Elsa roll giant snowballs and build a snowman together. Elsa moves his stick arms around. YOUNG ELSA (CONT'D) (goofy voice) Hi, I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs. Anna jumps up and hugs him. YOUNG ANNA I love you, Olaf. -Anna and Olaf appear to be dancing. REVEAL: Elsa is actually propelling them across the ice floor with her magic. -The girls slide down snowbanks together! -Anna fearlessly jumps off a snow peak into mid air. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) Catch me! Elsa makes another peak to catch Anna. YOUNG ELSA Gotcha! Anna keeps jumping. Elsa keeps casting magic. YOUNG ANNA (jumping faster) Again! Again! YOUNG ELSA (struggling to keep up) Slow down! Elsa suddenly slips. Her magic accidentally STRIKES Anna in the head. Anna tumbles down a snowbank and lands, unconscious. YOUNG ELSA (CONT'D) ANNA! Elsa runs to Anna and takes her in her arms. A streak of Anna's hair, where struck, turns white. YOUNG ELSA (CONT'D) MAMA! PAPA! The room around them fills with frightening ice spikes. 5 FROZEN - J. Lee The parents burst through the frozen door. GASP at the sight of the room. KING Elsa, what have you done? This is getting out of hand! QUEEN (seeing Anna) Anna! The King and Queen rush to Anna and take her in their arms. ELSA It was an accident. I'm sorry, Anna. QUEEN (about Anna) She's ice cold. KING ...I know where we have to go. SLAM CUT TO: INT. DARK ROOM -- NIGHT The King sifts through a shelf to find an ancient book inscribed with Old Norse runes. He opens the book, scrambles to a page with an ancient map. EXT. ARENDELLE -- NIGHT Carrying the girls, the King and Queen ride their horses out of the kingdom. Snow streams from Elsa's hands, leaving a trail of ice behind them. EXT. FJORD MOUNTAIN FOREST -- NIGHT A sleepy Kristoff and Sven travel alone through the dark woods. All of a sudden, the King and Queen race by with the girls, leaving the wake of ice. KRISTOFF Ice? SLAM CUT TO: 6 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. BLACK MOUNTAINS -- NIGHT Kristoff rides Sven as they follow the trail of ice. YOUNG KRISTOFF Faster, Sven! EXT. THE VALLEY OF THE LIVING ROCK -- NIGHT Kristoff hops off Sven at the edge of a deep valley. They hide behind a rock and peek out. Down below, the King holds a frightened Elsa. The Queen holds the still unconscious Anna. KING Please, help. My daughter! Suddenly, a bunch of rocks tumble down the valley toward them. It looks as though they'll be crushed! But, luckily, the rocks stop at their feet. The rocks then unfold, revealing bright faces. YOUNG KRISTOFF Trolls...? The rock in front of Kristoff "wakes up." Meet BULDA. BULDA Shush. I'm trying to listen. She grabs Kristoff and Sven by hand and hoof and hugs them close. Sven licks her face and she eyes them both. BULDA (CONT'D) Cuties. I'm gonna keep you. Back below, the crowd parts for a troll as old as the Earth. They call him GRAND PABBIE. He approaches arthritically, but determined. He nods respectfully to the king. GRAND PABBIE Your Majesty. (referring to Elsa) Born with the powers or cursed? KING Born. And they're getting stronger. Grand Pabbie motions for the Queen to bring Anna to him. She does. He examines her. 7 FROZEN - J. Lee GRAND PABBIE (about Anna) You are lucky it wasn't her heart. The heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded. KING Do what you must. GRAND PABBIE I recommend we remove all magic, even memories of magic to be safe.... But don't worry, I'll leave the fun. Grand Pabbie pulls out a glowing blue energy from Anna's head. We see her memories floating right above her. Grand Pabbie changes all of her magical memories to ordinary memories -- snowy play indoors with the girls in their nightgowns changes to outdoors on the winter fjords with the girls in winter gear. He puts the ordinary memories back in her head. GRAND PABBIE (CONT'D) She will be okay. YOUNG ELSA But she won't remember I have powers? KING It's for the best. PABBIE Listen to me, Elsa, your power will only grow. As he speaks, he conducts the Northern Lights to show a silhouette of an adult Elsa creating magical snowflakes. PABBIE (CONT'D) There is beauty in your magic.... But also great danger. The snowflakes turn to sharp spikes. PABBIE (O.S.) (CONT'D) You must learn to control it. In the Northern Lights display, the sharp spikes cause human figures to panic and attack Elsa. PABBIE (CONT'D) Fear will be your enemy. 8 FROZEN - J. Lee Elsa gasps and buries her face in the King's chest. The King wraps his arms around Elsa, protectively. KING No. We'll protect her. She can learn to control it. I'm sure. Over the King's words we... DISSOLVE TO: -The Arendelle castle gates shutting. KING (O.S.) (CONT'D) Until then, we'll lock the gates. We'll reduce the staff. We will limit her contact with people and keep her powers hidden from everyone... including Anna. -The castle shutters close. -Anna sits on her bed as Elsa's furniture disappears. -Anna rushes to the hall to see Elsa shut the door to her new room. Anna watches, confused and sad. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CASTLE WINDOW -- DAY We look out on a gentle snowfall. Little Anna skips up to the window. She lights up at the sight of the snow and rushes down the hall. INT. HALLWAY, ELSA'S DOOR -- DAY Anna knocks on Elsa's door and SINGS. "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" YOUNG ANNA DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? COME ON LET'S GO AND PLAY. Anna peeks under the door. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) I NEVER SEE YOU ANYMORE. COME OUT THE DOOR. IT'S LIKE YOU'VE GONE AWAY. 9 FROZEN - J. Lee -INT. ANNA'S ROOM -- Anna plays with two dolls, gives up, sad. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) WE USED TO BE BEST BUDDIES AND NOW WE'RE NOT. I WISH YOU WOULD TELL ME WHY. -ELSA'S DOOR. Anna peeks through the key hole. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? -Anna calls through the keyhole. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A SNOWMAN. YOUNG ELSA (O.S.) Go away, Anna. YOUNG ANNA (hearbroken) ...OKAY BYE. -BEHIND THE DOOR -- DAY. Elsa sits at the window looking out, longingly. Suddenly, her icy hands freeze the windowsill. -LATER. The King slips leather gloves onto Elsa's hands. KING The gloves will help. He pats her gloved hand. KING (CONT'D) See? You're good.... (starting their mantra) Conceal it. YOUNG ELSA Don't feel it. YOUNG ELSA & KING Don't let it show. -INT. HALLWAY, ELSA'S DOOR -- DAY. Anna, now 9, knocks on Elsa's door. ANNA (9) DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? -INT. HALLWAY -- DAY. Alone, Anna rides a bicycle built for two in the hall by standing on the back seat. 10 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (9) (CONT'D) OR RIDE OUR BIKE AROUND THE HALL? I THINK SOME COMPANY IS OVERDUE... -INT. PORTRAIT ROOM -- DAY. Anna runs around the portrait room, gaining momentum to flip over the arm of the couch. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) I'VE STARTED TALKING TO THE PICTURES ON THE WALLS. Anna lands PLOP on the cushions, then looks up at the painting above her of the courageous Joan of Arc. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) Hang in there, Joan. -INT. EMPTY LIBRARY -- DAY. Looks like no one's around. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) IT GETS A LITTLE LONELY ALL THESE EMPTY ROOMS. But then we find Anna, laying at the base of the grandfather clock, playing with her braids, bored out of her mind. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) JUST WATCHING THE HOURS TICK BY. Anna's eyes follow the grandfather clock's pendulum. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. -INT. ELSA'S ROOM -- NIGHT. Elsa (now 12) paces as she panics. The entire wall is frozen behind her. ELSA (12) I'm scared. It's getting stronger. KING Getting upset only makes it worse. The King goes to hug her. ELSA (12) No. Don't touch me. I don't want to hurt you. He and the Queen look at each other with alarmed sadness. -INT. LIBRARY -- DAY. Anna, now a teenager, slides past Elsa's room without stopping. 11 FROZEN - J. Lee -INT. KING AND QUEEN'S QUARTERS -- DAY. Anna runs into the room and throws herself into her parents' arms. TEEN ANNA See you in two weeks. -INT. ELSA'S ROOM -- DAY. Elsa curtsies in front of her parents, formally, not touching them. TEEN ELSA Do you have to go? KING You'll be fine, Elsa. -EXT. DOCKS -- DAY. The King and Queen leave on a ship. -EXT. ROUGH SEAS -- NIGHT. Lightning flashes. The sea rages in a storm. The King and Queen's ship is lost in the waves. -INT. CASTLE -- DAY. A portrait of the King and Queen is covered in mourning cloth. -EXT. CEMETERY -- DAY. Anna looks small, standing before her people, beside burial stones. -INT. HALLWAY, ELSA'S DOOR. Anna, still in her mourning clothes, approaches and knocks. ANNA (singing) Elsa? PLEASE I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE PEOPLE ARE ASKING WHERE YOU'VE BEEN THEY SAY HAVE COURAGE AND I'M TRYING TO I'M RIGHT OUT HERE FOR YOU. PLEASE LET ME IN. Anna slides down the door and sits with her head against it. ANNA (CONT'D) WE ONLY HAVE EACH OTHER. IT'S JUST YOU AND ME. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? (weak, internal) DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? We move through the door... -INT. ELSA'S ROOM -- DAY. Elsa is sitting in the exact same pose as Anna. Her bedroom is frozen with ice. Snowflakes hang in the air, suspended by grief. FADE OUT. 12 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. THE KINGDOM OF ARENDELLE -- MORNING A new dawn rises over the fjords. Ships pull up to the docks. Guests pile out. DOCK MASTER Welcome to Arendelle! A BOY tries to get away as his MOTHER tries to stuff him in his bunad jacket. BOY Why do I have to wear this? MOTHER Because the Queen has come of age. It's Coronation Day! BOY That's not my fault. They pass the May Pole being raised and a Sami ice harvester chatting with his reindeer. We recognize them as Kristoff and Sven, all grown up. Sven hops around excitedly like a dog and nuzzles Kristoff's chest. KRISTOFF What do you want, Sven? Kristoff leans in and speaks for Sven, as if he can. KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) Give me a snack. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) What's the magic word? KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) Please! Kristoff pulls a carrot out of his shirt pocket and hands it to Sven. Sven tries to bite the whole thing. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Hey, hey, hey! Share! Sven takes a smaller bite. Kristoff then has a bite himself, not seeming to care that it's covered in reindeer slobber. We move on to PERSI and AGGIE, a super-excited couple who rush towards the castle. 13 FROZEN - J. Lee PERSI I can't believe they're finally opening up the gates! AGGIE And for a whole day! Faster, Persi! They pass a tiny but menacing DUKE, who wears taps on his shoes to "enhance" his presence. Two THUG guards follow close behind him. DUKE Ah, Arendelle, our most mysterious trade partner. Open those gates so I may unlock your secrets and exploit your riches. (catching himself) ...Did I just say that out loud? We leave him and head down the bridge towards the castle gates, passing an Irishman and a Spanish Dignitary. IRISHMAN Oh, me sore eyes can't wait to see the Queen and the Princess. I bet they're absolutely lovely. SPANISH DIGNITARY I bet they are beautiful. We move past them, to a particular castle window. CUT TO: INT. CASTLE, ANNA'S BEDROOM -- DAY Anna, 18, snores. Drools. KNOCK. KNOCK. KAI (O.S.) Princess Anna...? Anna sits up. She's got major bedhead. She coughs. Snorts. Pulls a hair from her mouth. ANNA ...Huh? Yeah? KAI (O.S.) Sorry to wake you, ma'am but-- ANNA No, you didn't. I've been up for hours. 14 FROZEN - J. Lee She falls back asleep while sitting. She snores. Her head drops, startling her awake. ANNA (CONT'D) Who is it? KAI (O.S.) It's still me, ma'am. Time to get ready. ANNA Ready for what? KAI (O.S.) Your sister's coronation, ma'am. ANNA My sister's cor-neration... One eye opens enough to catch sight of her coronation dress. She bolts, wide awake in excitement. ANNA (CONT'D) Coronation Day! Ha ha! SLAM CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE HALL -- DAY Anna bursts out of her room, wearing her coronation dress. She finishes pinning ribbons in her hair. Seeing the hustle and bustle of preparations, she can't help but SING. "For the First Time in Forever" ANNA THE WINDOW IS OPEN! SO'S THAT DOOR! I DIDN'T KNOW THEY DID THAT ANYMORE. WHO KNEW WE OWNED 8000 SALAD PLATES...? -Anna slides along the floor of the ballroom in her socks. ANNA (CONT'D) FOR YEARS I HAVE ROAMED THESE EMPTY HALLS WHY HAVE A BALLROOM WITH NO BALLS? FINALLY, THEY'RE OPENING UP THE GATES! -She shakes hands with a suit of armor. Breaks it. Hides the evidence. 15 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) THERE'LL BE REAL, ACTUAL PEOPLE - IT'LL BE TOTALLY STRANGE. BUT WOW AM I SO READY FOR THIS CHANGE! -Anna comes to a window and jumps out onto a window washer's pulley. She raises herself up to see the ships arriving. ANNA (CONT'D) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, THERE'LL BE MUSIC, THERE'LL BE LIGHT. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I'LL BE DANCING THROUGH THE NIGHT. -Anna walks through the garden and follows a family of geese. ANNA (CONT'D) DON'T KNOW IF I'M ELATED OR GASSY, BUT I'M SOMEWHERE IN THAT ZONE 'CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I WON'T BE ALONE. (speaking) I can't wait to meet everyone.... (GASP) What if I meet THE ONE? -Anna twists herself in a velvet drape like it's a gown. She acts like she looks gorgeous, but she looks ridiculous. ANNA (CONT'D) TONIGHT, IMAGINE ME GOWN AND ALL- FETCHINGLY DRAPED AGAINST THE WALL. THE PICTURE OF SOPHISTICATED GRACE. -She notices the bust of a man across the room. ANNA (CONT'D) (google-eyed) I SUDDENLY SEE HIM STANDING THERE, A BEAUTIFUL STRANGER TALL AND FAIR. (mouth full of chocolate) I WANNA STUFF SOME CHOCOLATE IN MY FACE! -She grabs the bust of the man and swings it around. ANNA (CONT'D) BUT THEN WE LAUGH AND TALK ALL EVENING, WHICH IS TOTALLY BIZARRE. NOTHING LIKE THE LIFE I'VE LED SO FAR. The bust goes flying and lands on the top of the cake. -Anna bursts into the portrait room, bounces on the furniture, and interacts with the paintings. 16 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, THERE'LL BE MAGIC, THERE'LL BE FUN. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I COULD BE NOTICED BY SOMEONE. AND I KNOW IT IS TOTALLY CRAZY TO DREAM I'D FIND ROMANCE. BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, AT LEAST I'VE GOT A CHANCE! -INT. LIBRARY. ELSA, now a very poised 21, watches out the window as the coronation guests arrive. ELSA DON'T LET THEM IN. DON'T LET THEM SEE. BE THE GOOD GIRL YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE. Elsa moves to a painting of her father's coronation. She takes off her gloves and mimics the painting by holding a candlestick and ornament in place of an orb and scepter. ELSA (CONT'D) CONCEAL. DON'T FEEL. PUT ON A SHOW. MAKE ONE WRONG MOVE AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW. The candlestick and ornament ice over. Elsa gasps, slams them back down onto the table. She tries to reassure herself. ELSA (CONT'D) BUT IT'S ONLY FOR TODAY. We cut between Anna's excitement and Elsa's nerves. ANNA IT'S ONLY FOR TODAY! ELSA IT'S AGONY TO WAIT. ANNA IT'S AGONY TO WAIT!!! ELSA TELL THE GUARDS TO OPEN UP THE GATE. ANNA THE GATE!!! -Finally, the gates are open! Anna moves through the crowd, admiring the people around her. 17 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) ELSA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN DON'T LET THEM IN FOREVER. DON'T LET THEM SEE ANNA ELSA I'M GETTING WHAT I'M DREAMING BE THE GOOD GIRL OF YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ANNA ELSA A CHANCE TO LEAVE MY SISTER'S CONCEAL. WORLD CONCEAL. DON'T FEEL. A CHANCE TO FIND TRUE LOVE DON'T LET THEM KNOW. -Anna hurries over the bridge and into the village square. ANNA (CONT'D) I KNOW IT ALL ENDS TOMORROW, SO IT HAS TO BE TODAY!! `CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER. . . FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER! NOTHING'S IN MY WAY!!! -Anna SLAMS right into the breast of a HORSE! She falls back and lands in a small wooden boat. It tips off of the dock. She's heading overboard. But just then, the horse slams his hoof into the boat and steadies it. ANNA (CONT'D) (frustrated) Hey! HANS I'm so sorry. Are you hurt? The rider, HANS, sure is handsome and regal. ANNA (gentler) Hey. I-ya, no. No. I'm okay. HANS Are you sure? ANNA Yeah, I just wasn't looking where I was going. But I'm okay. He hops down from his horse and steps into the boat. ANNA (CONT'D) I'm great, actually. 18 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS Oh, thank goodness. He offers her a hand and their eyes meet. Chemistry. He helps her to her feet. HANS (CONT'D) (bowing) Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. ANNA (curtseying) Princess Anna of Arendelle. HANS Princess...? My Lady. He drops to his knees, head bowed. The horse bows too, curling his hoof up and out of the boat. The boat tips. Hans tumbles on top of Anna. Awkward. ANNA Hi...again. The horse slams his foot back into the boat to stabilize it. Anna and Hans tumble the other way. Anna lands on top of him. HANS Oh boy. ANNA Ha. This is awkward. Not you're awkward, but just because we're-- I'm awkward. You're gorgeous. (did she just say that?) Wait, what? Hans quickly gets to his feet and helps Anna up again. HANS I'd like to formally apologize for hitting the Princess of Arendelle with my horse...and for every moment after. ANNA No. No-no. It's fine. I'm not THAT Princess. I mean, if you'd hit my sister Elsa, that would be-- yeash! `Cuz, you know... (patting the horse) Hello. (MORE) 19 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) (to Hans) But, lucky you, it's-it's just me. HANS Just you? Hans smiles, amused. She smiles back. The bells RING. She doesn't notice at first; she's too busy drinking in Hans's handsomeness. ANNA ...The bells. The coronation. I-I-I better go. I have to...I better go. She hurries off, stops, turns back. Gives Hans a little wave. ANNA (CONT'D) Bye! As she rushes off again, Hans waves back. The horse waves too, once again taking his hoof out of the boat. HANS Oh no. The boat falls, with Hans in it. SPLASH! It lands upside down in the water. Hans raises it up off of him, gasping for air. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH CHAPEL -- DAY Elsa stands at the alter. Anna stands off to one side. She peeks out to the audience. Hans waves at her from the pews. He's changed his clothes. The crown is placed on Elsa's head. The scepter and orb are presented to Elsa on a pillow. She slowly reaches for them. BISHOP (a whisper) Your Majesty, the gloves. Elsa hesitates. She breathes nervously, removes her gloves, places them on the pillow. Her hands shake. She takes the orb and scepter, then turns to the people. BISHOP (CONT'D) (formal, in Old Norse) Sehm hon HELL-drr IN-um HELL-gum AYG-num ok krund ee THES-um HELL- gah STAHTH, ehk teh frahm FUR-ear U- thear... 20 FROZEN - J. Lee The scepter and orb start to freeze over. BISHOP (CONT'D) ...Queen Elsa of Arendelle. CROWD Queen Elsa of Arendelle. Just in time. Elsa manages to set the orb and scepter back down on the pillow before anyone notices the ice. She picks up her gloves and slips them on. She made it. CUT TO: INT. GREAT HALL -- NIGHT Springy music fills the Great Hall. Guests dance. Eat. Laugh. TRUMPETS SOUND. KAI (announcing) Queen Elsa of Arendelle. Elsa enters, poised and looking surprisingly content. She stands under a formal awning. KAI (CONT'D) Princess Anna of Arendelle! Anna runs into the room, waves awkwardly. Kai ushers her over to stand right next to Elsa. ANNA Here? Are you sure? She and Elsa sneak awkward peeks at each other. ELSA ...Hi. ANNA Hi me...? Oh. Um. Hi. ELSA ...You look beautiful. ANNA Thank you. You look beautifuller. I mean, not fuller. You don't look fuller, but more beautiful. 21 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA Thank you. They look out at the celebration. ELSA (CONT'D) So, this is what a party looks like? ANNA It's warmer than I thought. ELSA And what is that amazing smell? They both close their eyes and inhale. ANNA AND ELSA (TOGETHER) ...Chocolate. Their eyes pop open. They laugh. Elsa looks back out at the party. Anna looks at Elsa. She wants to say so much, but she can't think of where to start. Just as she finds her way, Kai interrupts. KAI Your Majesty. The Duke of Weaseltown. DUKE Weselton. The Duke of Weselton. (to Elsa) Your Majesty, as your closest partner in trade, it seems only fitting that I offer you your first dance as queen. The Duke does a funny flitter of his feet, a hitch-kick, and a deep bow. DUKE (CONT'D) (whispers to himself) One, two, three. Jump. As he holds out his hand, head down, his toupee dips forward. Anna giggles. Elsa looks at Anna, stifles a giggle herself. ELSA (to the Duke) Thank you...only I don't dance. 22 FROZEN - J. Lee DUKE (offended) Oh...? ELSA But my sister does. ANNA What? DUKE Lucky you.... ANNA Oh, I don't think-- The Duke grabs Anna's arm and yanks her away before she can protest. DUKE If you swoon, let me know, I'll catch you. Anna looks back at Elsa, desperately. ELSA Sorry. OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR: The Duke showboats, but he's just awful. Anna tries to make the best of it. DUKE Like an agile peacock... CLUCK- CLUGGLE-CLUCK! He lands on her feet. ANNA Ow. Ow. DUKE Speaking of, so great to have the gates open. Why did they shut them in the first place? Do you know the reason? Hmm? He gets in her face, suspicious. ANNA ...No. 23 FROZEN - J. Lee DUKE Oh, all right. Hang on. They don't call me the little dipper for nothing. He dips Anna back. Elsa peeks through the crowd, can barely hold in her laughter. Anna shoots Elsa funny, help-me looks. DUKE (CONT'D) (groove fully on) Like a chicken...with the face of a monkey...I fly. JUMP CUT TO: MOMENTS LATER... Anna limps back to Elsa. DUKE (O.S.) Let me know when you're ready for another round, M'Lady. ELSA Well, he was sprightly. ANNA (rubbing her sore feet) Especially for a man in heels. ELSA Are you okay? ANNA (loving Elsa's attention) I've never been better. This is so nice. I wish it could be like this all the time. ELSA (sincere) Me too.... But then Elsa catches herself. She stiffens up, looks away. ELSA (CONT'D) But it can't. ANNA Why not? If-- ELSA It just can't. 24 FROZEN - J. Lee Anna's smile drops. She tries not to get emotional. ANNA Excuse me for a minute. She walks away. Elsa watches her go, saddened. Moving through the crowd, Anna gets bumped by a bowing man's butt. She falls. Just before she hits the floor, Hans catches her. He smiles perfectly. HANS Glad I caught you. ANNA Hans. He smoothly sets his drink down on a passing tray. He lifts her up and leads her in a romantic dance. DISSOLVE TO: LATER: Anna and Hans drink and chat. ANNA (CONT'D) I often had the whole parlor to myself to slide... Oops. Sorry. She hits him in the face by mistake with her hand. He laughs. DISSOLVE TO: -THE CASTLE DOORS: Anna and Hans stroll out of the castle. ANNA (CONT'D) ...Your physique helps I'm sure. DISSOLVE TO: -THE ROSE GARDEN... Hans notices her white streak. HANS (about her white streak) What's this? ANNA I was born with it, although I dreamt I was kissed by a troll. HANS I like it. DISSOLVE TO: 25 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. BALCONY -- NIGHT Anna teaches Hans how to eat krumkake. ANNA Yeah, the whole thing! You got it. They laugh as the krumkake crumbles in his face. ANNA(CONT'D) Okay wait, wait. So you have how many brothers? HANS Twelve older brothers. Three of them pretended I was invisible... literally...for two years. ANNA That's horrible. HANS It's what brothers do. ANNA ...And sisters. Elsa and I were really close when we were little. But then, one day she just shut me out, and I never knew why. He takes her hand. Leans in close. HANS I would never shut you out. ANNA Okay, can I just say something crazy? HANS I love crazy. "Love is an Open Door" ANNA (singing) ALL MY LIFE HAS BEEN A SERIES OF DOORS IN MY FACE. AND THEN SUDDENLY I BUMP INTO YOU. HANS I was thinking the same thing, because like. . . (MORE) 26 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS (CONT'D) I'VE BEEN SEARCHING MY WHOLE LIFE TO FIND MY OWN PLACE. AND MAYBE IT'S THE PARTY TALKING, OR THE CHOCOLATE FONDUE. ANNA BUT WITH YOU- HANS BUT WITH YOU, I FOUND MY PLACE. ANNA I SEE YOUR FACE. BOTH AND IT'S NOTHING LIKE I'VE EVER KNOWN BEFORE. They jump to the neighboring balcony and enter a door. They come out on top of one of the castle's towers. BOTH (CONT'D) LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR! LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR! Cut to them sliding across an empty hallway in their socks. BOTH (CONT'D) LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR ANNA WITH YOU! HANS WITH YOU! ANNA WITH YOU! HANS WITH YOU! BOTH LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR. They hop up on the castle roof and watch a shooting star. HANS I MEAN IT'S CRAZY. ANNA What? 27 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS WE FINISH EACH OTHER'S- ANNA SANDWICHES! HANS That's what I was gonna say! They slide down the back of the roof out of sight. We next find them strutting on a bridge ledge. ANNA I'VE NEVER MET SOMEONE- BOTH WHO THINKS SO MUCH LIKE ME. BOTH (SPOKEN) (CONT'D) Jinx.. . .jinx again. Are they doing the robot? No. They're imitating the mechanical figures on the clock tower. BOTH (CONT'D) OUR MENTAL SYNCHRONIZATION CAN HAVE BUT ONE EXPLANATION, HANS YOU- ANNA AND I- HANS WERE- ANNA JUST- BOTH MEANT TO BE. Anna and Hans dance on top of the lighthouse and cast dancing shadows across the sails of ships in the docks. ANNA SAY GOODBYE- HANS SAY GOODBYE- 28 FROZEN - J. Lee BOTH TO THE PAIN OF THE PAST. BOTH (CONT'D) WE DON'T HAVE TO FEEL IT ANYMORE! LOVE IS AN OPEN- They play hide and seek amongst the stable doors. BOTH (CONT'D) DOOR! LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR! They climb to the waterfall looking out over the kingdom. Anna raises up her hands to frame the moon. Hans puts his hands on top of hers. Together their hands form a heart. BOTH (CONT'D) LIFE CAN BE SO MUCH MORE- ANNA WITH YOU! HANS WITH YOU! ANNA WITH YOU! HANS WITH YOU! BOTH LOVE IS AN OPEN HANS DOOR. ANNA DOOR. HANS Can I say something crazy...? Will you marry me? ANNA Can I just say something even crazier? Yes. CUT TO: 29 FROZEN - J. Lee INT. BALL -- NIGHT Anna pushes through the crowd towards Elsa, Hans in tow. ANNA Oops! Pardon. Sorry. Can we just get around you there? Thank you. Oh, there she is. Elsa! Elsa turns to Anna. Anna curtseys awkwardly. ANNA (CONT'D) I mean...Queen.... Me again. Um. May I present Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. HANS (bowing) Your Majesty. Elsa gives a polite but reserved curtsey. ANNA We would like-- HANS --your blessing-- ANNA --of-- ANNA/HANS --our marriage! ELSA Marriage...? ANNA Yes! ELSA I'm sorry, I'm confused. ANNA Well, we haven't worked out all the details ourselves. We'll need a few days to plan the ceremony. Of course we'll have soup, roast, and ice cream and then-- Wait. Would we live here? ELSA Here? 30 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS Absolutely! ELSA Anna-- ANNA Oh, we can invite all twelve of your brothers to stay with us-- ELSA What? No, no, no, no, no. ANNA Of course we have the room. I don't know. Some of them must-- ELSA Wait. Slow down. No one's brothers are staying here. No one is getting married. ANNA Wait, what? ELSA May I talk to you, please. Alone. Anna sees Hans's worried face. Hooks arms with him. ANNA No. Whatever you have to say, you- you can say to both of us. ELSA Fine. You can't marry a man you just met. ANNA You can if it's true love. ELSA Anna, what do you know about true love? ANNA More than you. All you know is how to shut people out. ELSA You asked for my blessing, but my answer is no. Now, excuse me. 31 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS Your Majesty, if I may ease your-- ELSA (flustered) No, you may not. And I-I think you should go. Elsa walks away. As she passes the Royal Handler-- ELSA (CONT'D) The party is over. Close the gates. ANNA What? Elsa, no. No, wait! Anna grabs Elsa's hand. She pulls off Elsa's glove. Elsa gasps, spins around and reaches for the glove in panic. ELSA Give me my glove! Anna holds the glove away from Elsa. ANNA (desperate) Elsa, please. Please. I can't live like this anymore. Elsa fights tears. ELSA (weak) ...Then leave. Elsa sees Anna's hurt face. It's too much. She can't hold it in. She turns and rushes away. ANNA (heartbroken) ...What did I ever do to you?! The party goes silent as everyone watches the sisters. ELSA Enough, Anna. ANNA No. Why? Why do you shut me out?! Why do you shut the world out?! What are you so afraid of?! ELSA I said, enough! 32 FROZEN - J. Lee Ice shoots from Elsa's hand, spikes across the floor! Guests cry out in shock, back away. DUKE (ducking behind his men) ...Sorcery. I knew there was something dubious going on here. ANNA Elsa...? Elsa rushes out of the room. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD -- NIGHT Elsa bursts out of the castle door. The CITIZENS CHEER! CROWD There she is. Your Majesty! Long live the Queen! Queen Elsa.... Come drink with us. Elsa ducks through the crowd, holding her bare hand. BOWING TOWNSMAN Queen Elsa. TOWNSWOMAN WITH BABY Your Majesty? Are you all right? Elsa backs away from the baby. She knocks into the fountain, grabs its edge. The waters freeze at her touch. GASPS of shock and fear sweep over the crowd. The Duke and thugs come out the door. DUKE There she is! Stop her! ELSA (to the Duke) Please, just stay away from me. Stay away! Magic accidentally shoots from her hand and turns the staircase into ice. The thugs and the Duke fall. DUKE Monster.... Monster! 33 FROZEN - J. Lee The crowd panics. A snowstorm begins. Elsa flees. Anna runs out of the palace doors, carrying the glove. ANNA Elsa! Hans follows closely behind her. GATES TO THE KINGDOM: Elsa runs out of the gates and down to the water's edge. The shoreline freezes under her feet. Anna calls to her from the gates. ANNA (CONT'D) Elsa! Wait, please! Elsa glances back at Anna, but turns away. She tentatively steps out onto the fjord. It freezes instantly. She breaks into a run, as the water freezes over with each step. ANNA (CONT'D) Elsa, stop! Anna rushes out onto the fjord ice, slips, falls. HANS Anna! Hans rushes to Anna's side. Elsa reaches the far shore. She doesn't look back. She just scrambles into the mountains. ANNA No. HANS (shocked) Look.... The fjord. The ice spreads out until the entire fjord is frozen, locking the ships in place. INT. CASTLE COURTYARD -- NIGHT Snow falls. Hans and Anna move through the panicking crowd. CROWD WALLAH Snow? It's...snow...in July. 34 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS ...Are you all right? ANNA (in shock) No. HANS Did you know? ANNA No. Nearby, the Duke flutters about in fright. DUKE Look! It's snowing! It's snowing! The Queen has cursed this land! She must be stopped! (to his thugs) You have to go after her. Anna rushes up to the Duke. ANNA Wait, no! The Duke hides behind his thugs and points out at Anna. DUKE You! Is there sorcery in you, too? Are you a monster, too? ANNA No. No. I'm completely ordinary. HANS That's right she is... (realizing how that sounds) ...in the best way. ANNA ...And my sister's not a monster. DUKE She nearly killed me. HANS You slipped on ice. DUKE Her ice! 35 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA It was an accident. She was scared. She didn't mean it. She didn't mean any of this.... Tonight was my fault. I pushed her. So I'm the one that needs to go after her. DUKE Yes. Fine. Do. HANS What? ANNA (to the Royal Handler) Bring me my horse, please. HANS Anna, no. It's too dangerous. ANNA Elsa's not dangerous. I'll bring her back, and I'll make this right. The Royal Handler brings Anna her horse and a cloak. HANS I'm coming with you. ANNA No, I need you here to take care of Arendelle. He sees the desperation in her eyes. HANS ...On my honor. She throws on the cloak and hops right onto the horse, coronation dress and all. ANNA (to the crowd) I leave Prince Hans in charge! HANS (before letting her go) Are you sure you can trust her? I don't want you getting hurt. ANNA She's my sister; she would never hurt me. 36 FROZEN - J. Lee She snaps the reins and rides out. Hans watches after her. The snow picks up and overtakes our view. We push through a blizzard...lose our way...then finds ourselves... EXT. HIGH UP IN THE MOUNTAINS -- NIGHT Well above the snow-line, a small figure climbs the highest peak. It's Elsa. Finally, she stops, looks around. Catches her breath and sings... "Let It Go" ELSA THE SNOW GLOWS WHITE ON THE MOUNTAIN TONIGHT, NOT A FOOTPRINT TO BE SEEN. A KINGDOM OF ISOLATION AND IT LOOKS LIKE I'M THE QUEEN. THE WIND IS HOWLING LIKE THIS SWIRLING STORM INSIDE. COULDN'T KEEP IT IN, HEAVEN KNOWS I TRIED. . . DON'T LET THEM IN, DON'T LET THEM SEE, BE THE GOOD GIRL YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE. CONCEAL, DON'T FEEL, DON'T LET THEM KNOW. WELL, NOW THEY KNOW. Elsa takes off her glove and throws it into the air. ELSA (CONT'D) LET IT GO. LET IT GO. CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE. Elsa creates a snowman, just like the one she made with Anna when they were children. ELSA (CONT'D) LET IT GO. LET IT GO. TURN AWAY AND SLAM THE DOOR. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY. LET THE STORM RAGE ON. THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY. Elsa lets her cape fly back into the wind. 37 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA (CONT'D) IT'S FUNNY HOW SOME DISTANCE MAKES EVERYTHING SEEM SMALL. AND THE FEARS THAT ONCE CONTROLLED ME CAN'T GET TO ME AT ALL. IT'S TIME TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO, TO TEST THE LIMITS AND BREAK THROUGH. NO RIGHT, NO WRONG, NO RULES FOR ME...I'M FREE! Elsa creates ice steps and climbs them. ELSA (CONT'D) LET IT GO! LET IT GO! I AM ONE WITH THE WIND AND SKY. LET IT GO! LET IT GO! YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME CRY. HERE I STAND AND HERE I'LL STAY. Elsa slams her foot down and forms a giant snowflake. ELSA (CONT'D) LET THE STORM RAGE ON.... In a flurry of creative release, she raises the snowflake on ice beams, builds walls, archways, a glistening chandelier, and an intricate ceiling that leaves the sky visible. ELSA (CONT'D) MY POWER FLURRIES THROUGH THE AIR INTO THE GROUND. MY SOUL IS SPIRALING IN FROZEN FRACTALS ALL AROUND. AND ONE THOUGHT CRYSTALLIZES LIKE AN ICY BLAST- Standing firmly in her mighty ice palace, Elsa removes her crown and throws it. ELSA (CONT'D) I'M NEVER GOING BACK, (back to resolve) THE PAST IS IN THE PAST! She takes down her hair and creates a new dress made of ice. ELSA (CONT'D) LET IT GO! LET IT GO! AND I'LL RISE LIKE THE BREAK OF DAWN. LET IT GO! LET IT GO! The sun rises. Elsa struts onto out onto a balcony and into the light. She's free. 38 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA (CONT'D) THAT PERFECT GIRL IS GONE. HERE I STAND IN THE LIGHT OF DAY. LET THE STORM RAGE ON!! THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY. She turns and slams her ice palace door on us. CUT TO: EXT. THE FJORD FOREST -- DAY Anna rides her horse through two feet of snow. She shivers. ANNA (shivering) Elsa! Elsa! It's me, Anna...your sister who didn't mean to make you freeze the summer. I'm sorry. It's all my f-f-f-f-f-f-fault. DISSOLVE TO: LATER: Anna and the horse struggle through a wooded area. ANNA (CONT'D) (hearing a wolf howl) Of course, none of this would have happened if she'd just told me her secret...ha...she's a stinker. A branch of a nearby tree snaps and startles the horse. Anna goes flying off, lands face down in the snow. She sits up. Spits out snow. Sees the horse running away. ANNA (CONT'D) Oh no. No. No. No. Come back. No. No. No. No.... Oooo-kay. He doesn't come back. Anna grabs onto a branch of a leaning conifer, tries to pull herself to her feet, but the tree snaps upright and releases all its snow onto her. GROAN. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN -- NIGHT The Northern Lights shine as Anna struggles, out of breath, reaching the top of a hill. 39 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Snow, it had to be snow, she couldn't have had tr-tr-tropical magic that covered the f-f-fjords in white sand and warm -- She sees smoke rising up in the distance. ANNA (CONT'D) Fire! WHOA! Anna goes tumbling down the hill. She lands with a crash in an icy stream at the bottom. ANNA (CONT'D) (from inside the snowball) Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold... EXT. A SMALL BUILDING AND STABLE -- NIGHT Anna shuffles up to the building, her dress frozen stiff. She shakes the snow off a sign and reads: ANNA Wandering Oaken's Trading Post. Snow drops off a smaller sign. She reads it, happily. ANNA (CONT'D) Ooh! And Sauna... INT. WANDERING OAKEN'S TRADING POST & SAUNA -- NIGHT Anna steps cautiously through the door--which hits her frozen butt and knocks her into the center of the shop. She looks around, sees only summer supplies. OAKEN (O.S.) Hoo hoo. Anna turns to see a bright-faced fellow sitting low behind the counter, fingers tapping tip to tip. OAKEN (CONT'D) Big summer blow out. Half off swimming suits, clogs, and a sun balm of my own invention, yah? ANNA Oh, great. For now, how about boots. Winter boots...and dresses? 40 FROZEN - J. Lee OAKEN (slight disappointment) That would be in our winter department. The winter department contains one outfit, a pick ax, and a lonely pair of boots. ANNA Oh. Um, I was just wondering; has another young woman, the Queen perhaps, I don't know, passed through here? She brings the clothes and boots to the counter. OAKEN Only one crazy enough to be out in this storm is you, dear? The front door suddenly blows open and in walks a mass of a man covered in ice. Underneath is KRISTOFF. OAKEN (CONT'D) You and this fellow.... Hoo hoo. Big summer blow out. Kristoff walks right up to Anna. KRISTOFF (in her face) Carrots. ANNA Huh? KRISTOFF Behind you. ANNA Oh, right. Excuse me. Anna moves out of Kristoff's way. He grabs a bunch of carrots, tosses them on the counter, then moves through the place, gathering other supplies. OAKEN (to Kristoff) A real howler in July, yah? Where ever could it be coming from? KRISTOFF The North Mountain. 41 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (to herself) North Mountain. Kristoff brings his supplies to the counter. Oaken counts on his fingertips. OAKEN That'll be forty. KRISTOFF Forty? No, ten. OAKEN (sweet as pie) Oh dear, that's no good. See these are from our winter stock, where supply and demand have a big problem. KRISTOFF You want to talk about a supply and demand problem? I sell ice for a living. Kristoff motions out the window, where we see the blocks of ice on his sled, covered in snow. ANNA Ooh, that's a rough business to be in right now. I mean, that is really... (he shoots her a look) Ahem. That's unfortunate. OAKEN Still forty. But I will throw in a visit to Oaken's sauna. Hoo hoo! Hi, family. Kristoff and Anna turn to see a naked family waving through the window of the steaming sauna. NAKED FAMILY Hoo hoo! KRISTOFF ...Ten's all I got. Help me out. OAKEN (isolating the carrots) Ten will get you this and no more. Kristoff seethes. Stalemate. 42 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Okay, just tell me one thing; what was happening on the North Mountain? Did it seem magical? Kristoff pulls down his scarf and gives Anna a firm answer. KRISTOFF Yes! Now, back up while I deal with this crook here. Oaken stands up, revealing his seven-foot stature. OAKEN What did you call me? EXT. WANDERING OAKEN'S TRADING POST AND SAUNA -- NIGHT Oaken stomps out the door, carrying Kristoff with one arm. KRISTOFF Okay. Okay, I'm- Ow! Whoa! Oaken throws Kristoff, who face-plants in the snow. OAKEN Bye bye. Oaken slams the door. Kristoff sits up. His reindeer, Sven, canters over, snorts, and nudges him, expectantly. KRISTOFF No Sven, I didn't get your carrots. Sven huffs in his face. Kristoff turns away and sees something. He points to a dilapidated barn. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) But I did find us a place to sleep. And it's free. INT. WANDERING OAKEN'S TRADING POST AND SAUNA -- NIGHT Anna stands watching Oaken and all his great height as he squeezes behind the counter and sits down low again. OAKEN (teddy bear) I'm sorry about this violence. I will add a quart of lutefisk, so we'll have good feelings. Just the outfit and boots, yah? 43 FROZEN - J. Lee Anna looks between Kristoff's supplies and the door. CUT TO: INT. OAKEN'S STABLES - NIGHT Kristoff, now unfrozen, relaxes on a bed of hay, playing his lute and singing to (and for) Sven. "Reindeer(s) are Better than People" KRISTOFF REINDEERS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE. SVEN, DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S TRUE? KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) (throwing his voice) YEAH, PEOPLE WILL BEAT YOU & CURSE YOU & CHEAT YOU. EVERY ONE OF EM'S BAD, EXCEPT YOU. (speaking) Oh, thanks, Buddy. (singing, as Kristoff) BUT PEOPLE SMELL BETTER THAN REINDEERS. SVEN, DON'T YOU THINK I'M RIGHT? (As Sven) THAT'S ONCE AGAIN TRUE, FOR ALL EXCEPT YOU. (As Kristoff) YOU GOT ME. LET'S CALL IT A NIGHT. (As Sven) GOOD NIGHT. (As Kristoff) DON'T LET THE FROSTBITE BITE. The door opens. Anna enters. ANNA Nice duet. Kristoff sits up with a start...sees who it is. KRISTOFF Oh, it's just you. What do you want? ANNA I want you to take me up the North Mountain. 44 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF I don't take people places. He lays back down, closes his eyes. ANNA Let me rephrase that... A sack of supplies lands in Kristoff's lap. KRISTOFF Umph. He sits up. Looks in the bag. ANNA Take me up the North Mountain.... Please. He eyes her. He clearly doesn't take orders. ANNA (CONT'D) Look, I know how to stop this winter. He considers, lies back down, pulls his hat over his eyes. KRISTOFF We leave at dawn.... And you forgot the carrots for Sven. A bag of carrots hits Kristoff in the face. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Ugh! ANNA Oops. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't-- (catching herself) We leave now. Right now. She steps back outside and waits, anxiously. Annoyed, Kristoff offers Sven a carrot. Sven has a bite. Then Kristoff has a bite, contemplating. SLAM CUT TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN HIGH -- NIGHT Sven races, top speed, up a narrow cliff, pulling the sled, which skids precariously. Kristoff mans the reins. Anna sits beside him. 45 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (trying to scare Anna) Hang on! We like to go fast! ANNA (fearless) I like fast! Anna leans back and puts her feet up on the dashboard. KRISTOFF Whoa, whoa! Get your feet down. He pushes her feet down. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) This is fresh lacquer. Seriously, were you raised in a barn? Kristoff spits on the dash to clean it. The spit flies back and hits Anna in the face. ANNA (grossed out) Ew. No, I was raised in a castle. She wipes off her face. KRISTOFF So tell me, what made the Queen go all ice-crazy? ANNA ...Oh well, it was all my fault. I got engaged but then she freaked out because I'd only just met him, you know, that day. And she said she wouldn't bless the marriage-- KRISTOFF Wait. You got engaged to someone you just met? ANNA Yeah. Anyway, I got mad and so she got mad and then she tried to walk away, and I grabbed her glove-- KRISTOFF Hang on. You mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met?! 46 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Yes. Pay attention. But the thing is she wore the gloves all the time, so I just thought, maybe she has a thing about dirt. KRISTOFF Didn't your parents ever warn you about strangers? Anna eyes Kristoff up and down, then slides away from him. ANNA Yes, they did.... But Hans is not a stranger. KRISTOFF Oh yeah? What's his last name? ANNA ...Of-the-Southern-Isles? KRISTOFF What's his favorite food? ANNA ...Sandwiches. KRISTOFF Best friend's name? ANNA Probably John. KRISTOFF Eye color. ANNA Dreamy. KRISTOFF Foot size...? ANNA Foot size doesn't matter. KRISTOFF Have you had a meal with him yet? What if you hate the way he eats? What if you hate the way he picks his nose? ANNA Picks his nose? 47 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF And eats it. ANNA Excuse me, sir. He's a prince. KRISTOFF All men do it. ANNA Ew. Look it doesn't matter; it's true love. KRISTOFF Doesn't sound like true love. ANNA Are you some sort of love expert? KRISTOFF No. But I have friends who are. ANNA You have friends who are love experts.... I'm not buying it. Sven suddenly stops, ears perked in alarm. KRISTOFF (to Anna) Stop talking. ANNA No, no, no. I'd like to meet these-- Kristoff clamps his hand over Anna's mouth. KRISTOFF I mean it. SHHH. Kristoff stands, looks into the dark woods surrounding them. Sensing something behind them, he holds up his lantern. Its light reflects off...EYES. Several. KRISTOFF(CONT'D) Sven, go. Go! Sven takes off. ANNA What are they? KRISTOFF Wolves. 48 FROZEN - J. Lee Flashes of white dart through the woods. Kristoff hops into the back of the sled, grabs a torch. Lights it. ANNA Wolves. What do we do? KRISTOFF I've got this. You just...don't fall off and don't get eaten. ANNA But I wanna help. KRISTOFF No. ANNA Why not? KRISTOFF Because I don't trust your judgement. ANNA Excuse me?! A wolf jumps at them, but Kristoff kicks it off. KRISTOFF Who marries a man she just met? Anna grabs the lute, swings it right at Kristoff's head. ANNA It's true love! He screams, as she...BAM!...swings past Kristoff and knocks a wolf away. KRISTOFF (shocked) Whoa. Just then Kristoff is yanked off the sled by another wolf. The torch goes flying. Anna catches it, shocked. ANNA Christopher! Kristoff grabs onto a loose rope hanging from the back of the sled and holds on for dear life as he's dragged behind. KRISTOFF It's Kristoff! 49 FROZEN - J. Lee A wolf jumps on Kristoff's back. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) AH! Anna thinks fast, uses the torch to light a blanket on fire. ANNA Duck! Anna throws the flaming blanket right at him. He ducks. The blanket hits the wolves. They tumble off Kristoff. KRISTOFF You almost set me on fire! Anna reaches out a hand, pulls Kristoff back onto the sled. ANNA But I didn't. Sven cries out. There is a massive gorge ahead. ANNA (CONT'D) Get ready to jump, Sven! KRISTOFF You don't tell him what to do! Kristoff shoves a satchel into her arms then scoops her up. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) I do! Kristoff tosses Anna onto Sven, then unhooks Sven's harness from the sled. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Jump, Sven! Sven jumps the gorge with Anna on his back. Kristoff goes flying off behind them, still on the sled. Anna and Sven land safely on the other side of the gorge. Kristoff's sled loses momentum. It's not going to make it. He leaps off. He flaps his arms, claws at the air. He slams into the snowy edge of the cliff. Hanging by his hands, he looks down to see his sled hit the ground far below and burst into flames. 50 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (shocked sadness) ...But I just paid it off. Suddenly, he starts to slip. He claws at the loose snow, but it's clearly hopeless. He's going down. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Uh-oh. No, no, no. To make matters worse, an AXE comes flying right at his face. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) AH! NO, NO, NO! The axe slams into the snow, inches from his nose. ANNA (O.S.) Grab on! Kristoff grabs on. ANNA (CONT'D) Pull, Sven! Pull! REVEAL: The axe is tied to a rope, then wrapped around Sven. Anna helps Sven pull Kristoff to safety. Kristoff rolls onto his back, exhausted. Anna peeks down at the burning sled. ANNA (CONT'D) Whoa.... I'll replace your sled and everything in it. Kristoff groans. ANNA (CONT'D) And I understand if you don't want to help me anymore. Anna walks off, sadly. Sven comes over and nuzzles Kristoff. KRISTOFF Of course I don't want to help her anymore. In fact, this whole thing has ruined me for helping anyone ever again. KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) But she'll die on her own. KRISTOFF (AS SELF) (CONT'D) I can live with that. 51 FROZEN - J. Lee Through their conversation, they watch Anna go the wrong way...turn, go the other wrong way, turn, trip... KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) But you won't get your new sled if she's dead. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (knowing he's got a point) ...You know sometimes I really don't like you. Sven licks Kristoff happily. KRISTOFF (AS SELF) (CONT'D) (to Anna) Hold up. We're coming?! ANNA (excited) You are?! (catching herself) I mean, sure. I'll let you tag along. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SHARP MOUNTAIN RIDGE -- DAWN Kristoff, Sven and Anna walk on a narrow rim of a mountain. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN FOREST CLEARING -- DAY As they step out of the thick trees, Anna catches sight of something far below. ANNA Arendelle. KRISTOFF It's completely frozen. ANNA ...But it'll be fine. Elsa will thaw it. KRISTOFF Will she? 52 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (uncertain) ...Yeah. Now come on. This way to the North Mountain? She points straight ahead. KRISTOFF More like this way. He points her finger up towards a perilously mighty mountain. DISSOLVE TO: INT. FROZEN WILLOW TREES -- DAY Anna, Kristoff, and Sven walk beneath frozen willows. The hanging branches glisten like Christmas lights. Sven knocks them with his antlers. They tinkle like chimes. ANNA I never knew winter could be so beautiful. Suddenly, a voice comes in from nowhere. We'll call that voice OLAF. OLAF (O.S.) YEAH...It really is beautiful, isn't it? But it's so white. You know, how about a little color? Must we bleach the joy out of it all? I'm thinking like maybe some crimson, chartreuse... While this is going on, Anna and Kristoff look around for the source of the rambling. They look at Sven - could he actually be talking? Sven looks back at them, his antlers tangled in branches, just as baffled as they are. In the meantime, a nose-less snowman, Olaf, wanders up behind them. OLAF (CONT'D) How `bout yellow--no, not yellow. Yellow and snow? Brrrr...no go. He stops between Kristoff and Anna. They look down at him. How did he get there? He suddenly looks up at Anna. OLAF (CONT'D) Am I right? 53 FROZEN - J. Lee Anna SCREAMS! Reflexes take over and she kicks Olaf's head, sending it flying off his body and into Kristoff's arms. OLAF (CONT'D) (cheery, to Kristoff) Hi! KRISTOFF You're creepy. Kristoff tosses the head back to Anna and they commence a game of hot potato. ANNA I don't want it! KRISTOFF Backatchya! OLAF Please don't drop me. ANNA Don't! KRISTOFF Come on, it's just a head. ANNA No! Olaf's body runs at Anna, arms waving. OLAF (O.S.) All right, we got off to a bad start. ANNA Ew, ew, the body! Anna slams Olaf's head back on the body, upside down. Olaf smiles happily, then looks confused. OLAF Wait, what am I looking at right now? Why are you hanging off the earth like a bat? ANNA (sympathetic) ...Okay. Wait one second. Anna kneels in front of Olaf and rights his head. 54 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF Oooh! Thank you! ANNA You're welcome. OLAF Now I'm perfect. She looks over his innocent face, gets an idea. ANNA Well, almost. She digs into Kristoff's satchel, holds up a carrot just as Olaf turns toward her. The carrot accidentally slams all the way through his head. OLAF Woo! Head rush! ANNA Oh! Too hard. I'm sorry! I-I, I was just.... Are you okay? Olaf sees a tiny piece of carrot sticking out between his eyes. He lights up. OLAF Are you kidding me? I am wonderful! I've always wanted a nose. (going cross-eyed to look at his tiny nose) So cute. It's like a little baby unicorn. Anna reaches behind Olaf to the bulk of the carrot sticking out the back of his head, and pushes it forward. OLAF (CONT'D) What? Hey! Whoa. (seeing his now big nose) Oh, I love it even more! Hah.... All right, let's start this thing over. Hi everyone. I'm Olaf. And I like warm hugs. Olaf opens his arms wide to Anna. That triggers a memory. It takes her a moment to place it, but then she does. ANNA Olaf?...That's right, Olaf. 55 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF ...And you are? ANNA Oh, um...I'm Anna. OLAF And who's the funky-looking donkey over there? ANNA That's Sven. OLAF Uh-huh. And who's the reindeer? ANNA ...Sven. Olaf looks from Kristoff to Sven, confused. OLAF Oh. They're--oh, okay.... (accepting it) Makes things easier for me. Sven tries to bite Olaf's nose. OLAF (CONT'D) Ha. Aw, look at him tryin' to kiss my nose. (gushes) I like you, too! ANNA Olaf, did Elsa build you? OLAF Yeah. Why? Curious, Kristoff takes one of Olaf's twig arms off, studies it. It seems to be moving in sync with his other arm. ANNA Do you know where she is? KRISTOFF (studying the arm) Fascinating... OLAF Yeah. Why? 56 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Do you think you could show us the way? OLAF Yeah. Why? KRISTOFF (bending the arm) How does this work? Olaf's dismembered arm slaps Kristoff across the face. OLAF Stop it, Sven. Trying to focus here. (to Anna) Yeah, why? KRISTOFF I'll tell you why. We need Elsa to bring back summer. OLAF (shocked) Summer? (sinking into wistfulness) Oh, I don't know why but I've always loved the idea of summer, and sun, and all things hot. KRISTOFF Really? I'm guessing you don't have much experience with heat. OLAF Nope. But sometimes I like to close my eyes and imagine what it'd be like when summer does come. DISSOLVE TO: OLAF'S FANTASY WORLD -- PERFECT SUMMER DAY Olaf walks through a grassy meadow with the sun shining behind him. He SINGS. "In Summer" OLAF BEES'LL BUZZ / KIDS'LL BLOW DANDELION FUZZ / AND I'LL BE DOING WHATEVER SNOW DOES IN SUMMER. 57 FROZEN - J. Lee -Olaf now lies in the sand on a beach. OLAF (CONT'D) A DRINK IN MY HAND / MY SNOW UP AGAINST THE BURNING SAND / PROB'LY GETTING GORGEOUSLY TANNED IN SUMMER. -Olaf sails in a boat. OLAF (CONT'D) I'LL FINALLY SEE A SUMMER BREEZE / BLOW AWAY A WINTER STORM / -Olaf floats in the water. All his pieces begin to separate. OLAF (CONT'D) AND FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO SOLID WATER / WHEN IT GETS WARM. -Olaf tumbles on a sandy beach with sand-snowmen. OLAF (CONT'D) AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE / WHAT MY BUDDIES ALL THINK OF ME / JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH COOLER I'LL BE IN SUMMER . . ! -Olaf and the seagull break out into a tap-dance. OLAF (CONT'D) DA DA . . . DA DOO / AH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BOO. -Olaf and another snowman drink hot chocolate in a hot tub. OLAF (CONT'D) THE HOT AND THE COLD ARE BOTH SO INTENSE / PUT `EM TOGETHER, IT JUST MAKES SENSE! -Olaf tap dances with a gaggle of seagulls. OLAF (CONT'D) RATDADAT DAD DADA DOO . . . -Olaf bounds down a grassy hill. OLAF (CONT'D) WINTER'S A GOOD TIME TO STAY IN AND CUDDLE / BUT PUT ME IN SUMMER AND I'LL BE A... He stops at a puddle, looks down at it. Smiles. Hops over it. 58 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF (CONT'D) HAPPY SNOWMAN! -Olaf runs with a checkered blanket that he spreads out. He relaxes and stares at the blue sky. OLAF (CONT'D) WHEN LIFE GETS ROUGH I LIKE TO HOLD ON TO MY DREAM / OF RELAXING IN THE SUMMER SUN JUST LETTING OFF STEAM! Sven, Anna, Kristoff and Olaf have a picnic. OLAF (CONT'D) OH THE SKY WILL BE BLUE / AND YOU GUYS'LL BE THERE TOO / WHEN I FINALLY DO WHAT FROZEN THINGS DO IN SUMMER! KRISTOFF I'm gonna tell him. ANNA Don't you dare. OLAF IN SUMMER! Olaf sings the final note. We swing around him and return to: REALITY. He then straightens up and smiles. OLAF (CONT'D) So, come on! Elsa's this way. Let's go bring back summer! Olaf grabs Anna's hand and pulls her along up the mountain. ANNA (laughing) I'm coming! Sven hops along, happily following them. Kristoff watches all of them like they're nuts. KRISTOFF Somebody's got to tell him. DISSOLVE TO: 59 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. ARENDELLE, VILLAGE -- DAY A layer of solid ice coats everything. People huddle around weak fires. Anxiety runs high amongst the villagers and guests. We pass two CITIZENS fighting over a woodpile. CITIZEN ONE No. No. You've got the bark facing down. The bark needs to be face-up. CITIZEN TWO Bark down is drier. CITIZEN ONE Bark up. CITIZEN TWO Bark down. CITIZEN ONE Bark up. Like a light in the dark, Hans moves through the crowd. HANS Cloak. Does anyone need a cloak? GERDA Arendelle is indebted to you, Your Highness. HANS The castle is open. There's soup and hot glögg in the Great Hall. He hands the stack of cloaks to a guard. HANS (CONT'D) Here. Pass these out. Just then the Duke approaches Hans. DUKE Prince Hans, are we just expected to sit here and freeze while you give away all of Arendelle's tradable goods? HANS (tall and confident) Princess Anna has given her orders and-- 60 FROZEN - J. Lee DUKE And that's another thing; has it dawned on you that your princess may be conspiring with a wicked sorceress to destroy us all? Hans's nice eyes turn to threatening slits. HANS Do not question the Princess. She left me in charge, and I will not hesitate to protect Arendelle from treason. DUKE (flabbergasted, offended) Treason?! Suddenly they hear the alarmed whinny of Anna's horse. It returns alone, bucking and kicking. Hans grabs its reins. HANS Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, boy. Easy. Easy. CROWD (various) Princess Anna's horse. What happened to her? Where is she? Hans steadies the horse, looks up at the mountain. He sees all the panicked faces of the kingdom looking to him. HANS ...Princess Anna is in trouble. (calling out) I need volunteers to go with me to find her! Volunteers, some from Arendelle, some from other lands, rush up to offer their services. DUKE I volunteer two men, my Lord! (quietly to his thugs) Be prepared for anything, and should you encounter the Queen, you are to put an end to this winter. Do you understand? His two thugs sneer. CUT TO: 61 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. THE NORTH MOUNTAIN -- DAY Anna, Kristoff, Sven, and Olaf move through hostile terrain. Wind-swept icicles face horizontal. KRISTOFF So how exactly are you planning to stop this weather? ANNA (confident) Oh, I am gonna talk to my sister. KRISTOFF That's your plan? My ice business is riding on you talking to your sister. ANNA Yup. Kristoff, so stunned by her casual plan, doesn't look where he's going and ends up with an ice-spike to the nose. He stops short, GULP, moves carefully around the spike. KRISTOFF So you're not at all afraid of her? ANNA Why would I be? OLAF (oblivious) Yeah. I bet Elsa's the nicest, gentlest, warmest person ever. Olaf backs right into an icicle. It runs through his torso. OLAF (CONT'D) Oh, look at that. I've been impaled. He laughs it off. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. STEEP MOUNTAIN FACE -- DAY Anna and Kristoff hit what looks like a dead end. The face of the mountain goes straight up. ANNA What now? 62 FROZEN - J. Lee Kristoff looks around, sighs. Digs in his rucksack. KRISTOFF ...It's too steep. I've only got one rope, and you don't know how to climb mountains. ANNA (O.S.) Says who? Sven nudges Kristoff, who looks up to see Anna trying to climb the cliff's flat face. KRISTOFF (finding her ridiculous) What are you doing? ANNA (straining) ...I'm going to see my sister. KRISTOFF You're going to kill yourself. Kristoff watches her searching for footholds and hand-holds. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) I wouldn't put my foot there. ANNA (O.S.) You're distracting me. KRISTOFF Or there. How do you know Elsa even wants to see you? ANNA (O.S.) I'm just blocking you out cause I gotta concentrate here. KRISTOFF You know, most people who disappear into the mountains want to be alone. ANNA (O.S.) Nobody wants to be alone. Except maybe you-- KRISTOFF I'm not alone.... I have friends, remember? Anna kicks a foot above her head to catch a foot hold. 63 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA You mean the love experts? KRISTOFF Yes, the love experts! Anna realizes she's stuck. ANNA ...Please tell me I'm almost there. REVEAL: she's only about six feet up. Her muscles shake. ANNA (CONT'D) ...Does the air seem a bit thin to you up here? Kristoff smiles, getting a kick out of her. KRISTOFF Hang on. He pulls the rope from his bag. Just then Olaf steps out from behind a rock and waves to Kristoff. OLAF Hey, Sven? Not sure if this is going to solve the problem, but I found a staircase that leads exactly where you want it to go. ANNA Ha ha. Thank goodness. Catch! Anna drops off the cliff. Kristoff catches her. ANNA (CONT'D) Thanks! That was like a crazy trust exercise. She hops down, brushes off her dress, and bounds off. Kristoff watches after her, digging her fearless pluck. EXT. BASE OF THE ICE PALACE -- DAY Anna, Kristoff, and Olaf approach Elsa's elegant ice palace. ANNA Whoa. KRISTOFF (in awe) Now that's ice. I might cry. 64 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Go ahead. I won't judge. Anna climbs the steps with Olaf. Sven tries to follow. His hooves slip out. He scrambles but can't get traction. Kristoff runs to his aide. KRISTOFF All right, take it easy. I gotcha. Kristoff settles Sven back down the stairs and pats him. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) You stay right here, buddy. Sven obediently plops his reindeer butt down and wags his tail. Kristoff climbs the stairs, admiring the ice details. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) ...Flawless. Anna arrives at the door. Hesitates. OLAF ...Knock.... (she doesn't) Just knock.... (she doesn't. To Kristoff) Why isn't she knocking...? Do you think she knows how to knock? Anna finally KNOCKS. The sound echoes inside. The ice doors slide open. ANNA Ha. It opened. That's a first. Anna goes to step in. Kristoff follows. She gets a thought, stops him. ANNA (CONT'D) You should probably wait out here. KRISTOFF What? ANNA Last time I introduced her to a guy, she froze everything. KRISTOFF But, it's a palace made of ice. Ice is my life. 65 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF Bye, Sven. Olaf starts to head inside. Anna stops him. ANNA You too, Olaf. OLAF Me? ANNA Just give us a minute. OLAF Okay. As Anna walks inside. Olaf starts counting. OLAF (CONT'D) One...two... Kristoff joins in. OLAF AND KRISTOFF Three...four... INT. ELSA'S PALACE -- DAY Anna walks into a great foyer. The place is beautiful, but also eerie. ANNA Elsa? It's me...Anna?! Anna slips. Steadies herself. ELSA (O.S.) Anna. Elsa steps out of the shadows onto a balcony. She sees Anna, looks to her longingly. Anna can't help but be struck by Elsa's beauty. ANNA Elsa, you look different.... It's a good different.... And this place is amazing. 66 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA (cautious, polite) Thank you, I never knew what I was capable of. Anna starts to climb the stairs. ANNA ...I'm so sorry about what happened. If I'd known-- Elsa backs up, away from Anna. ELSA (on guard) No, it's okay. You don't have to apologize.... But you should probably go, please. ANNA But I just got here. ELSA ...You belong in Arendelle. ANNA So do you. Anna takes another step up. Elsa backs up more. ELSA No, I belong here. Alone. Where I can be who I am without hurting anybody. ANNA ...Actually, about that-- OLAF (O.S.) 58...59...60. ELSA Wait. What is that? Olaf comes running in the front door. He waves. OLAF Hi, I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs. ELSA (shocked) Olaf? Olaf stops beside Anna, looks up at Elsa, intimidated. 67 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF (bashful) You built me. You remember that? ELSA (astonished) And you're alive? OLAF Um...I think so? Anna kneels down beside Olaf. ANNA He's just like the one we built as kids.... We were so close. We can be like that again. Elsa smiles, but then a memory returns to her. FLASH CUT TO: FLASHBACK: Young Anna is struck by Elsa's powers. YOUNG ELSA Anna! Young Anna falls unconscious. Young Elsa races to her. FLASH CUT TO: THE PRESENT: Elsa's face sinks in pain. ELSA No, we can't. Elsa turns and heads up the second story steps. ELSA (CONT'D) Goodbye, Anna. ANNA Elsa, wait-- ELSA (calling back) I'm just trying to protect you. Elsa continues to flee. Anna pursues. ANNA You don't have to protect me. I'm not afraid. Please don't shut me out again. 68 FROZEN - J. Lee Anna SINGS. "First Time in Forever, Reprise" ANNA (CONT'D) PLEASE DON'T SLAM THE DOOR. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE ANYMORE. `CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, WE CAN FIX THIS HAND IN HAND. WE CAN HEAD DOWN THIS MOUNTAIN TOGETHER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR. `CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I WILL BE RIGHT HERE. They arrive on the top floor, Elsa's main living space. Elsa turns back to Anna, grateful, but determined. ELSA Anna, PLEASE GO BACK HOME. YOUR LIFE AWAITS. GO ENJOY THE SUN AND OPEN UP THE GATES. ANNA Yeah, but-- ELSA I know! YOU MEAN WELL, BUT LEAVE ME BE. YES, I'M ALONE BUT I'M ALONE AND FREE. Elsa opens up the balcony doors. ELSA (CONT'D) JUST STAY AWAY AND YOU'LL BE SAFE FROM ME. ANNA ACTUALLY, WE'RE NOT. ELSA WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT? 69 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA I GET THE FEELING YOU DON'T KNOW? ELSA WHAT DO I NOT KNOW? ANNA ARENDELLE'S IN DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP SNOW. ELSA What? Elsa looks past Anna's shoulder out white-peaked mountains. ANNA You kind of set off an eternal winter...everywhere. ELSA Everywhere? ANNA It's okay, you can just unfreeze it. ELSA No, I can't. I don't know how. ANNA Sure you can. I know you can. Snow starts to swirl around the room. ANNA (CONT'D) CUZ FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, ELSA (panicking) I'M SUCH A FOOL! I CAN'T BE FREE! ANNA YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID. ELSA NO ESCAPE FROM THE STORM INSIDE OF ME! The snow picks up. Anna tries to fight through it. ANNA WE CAN WORK THIS OUT TOGETHER. 70 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA I CAN'T CONTROL THE CURSE! ANNA WE'LL REVERSE THE STORM YOU'VE MADE. ELSA ANNA, PLEASE, YOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE! ANNA DON'T PANIC. ELSA THERE'S SO MUCH FEAR! ANNA WE'LL MAKE THE SUN SHINE BRIGHT. ELSA YOU'RE NOT SAFE HERE! ANNA WE CAN FACE THIS THING TOGETHER... But as Anna sings, we lose sight of her in the thickening blizzard taking over the room. ELSA NO! ANNA (O.S.) WE CAN CHANGE THIS WINTER WEATHER, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE... Anna's voice disappears in the storm as Elsa cries out. ELSA I CAN'T! Elsa's fear, so strong, sucks the blizzard back into her and then it bursts out, unwittingly, like a sharp snowflake. Anna is STRUCK right in the heart. She grasps her chest in pain and stumbles back. She falls to her knees. Elsa gasps when she sees Anna. Just then, Olaf and Kristoff rush into the room to Anna's side. KRISTOFF Anna. Are you okay? 71 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA I'm okay.... I'm fine. Anna gets to her feet, determined to hide the pain. ELSA (scared) Who's this? Wait, it doesn't matter. You have to go. ANNA No, I know we can figure this out together-- ELSA (desperate) How? What power do you have to stop this winter? To stop me? Anna doesn't have the answer. Kristoff sees spiky ice shadows creeping down the walls. Puts a protective arm around Anna. KRISTOFF Anna, I think we should go. ANNA (close to tears) No. I'm not leaving without you, Elsa. ELSA (heartbroken but decisive) Yes, you are. Elsa waves her arms and builds a giant, menacing snowman. We'll call him MARSHMALLOW. SLAM CUT TO: EXT. ICE PALACE -- DAY Marshmallow holds Anna and Kristoff by the scruff of their necks in one hand and Olaf in the other. ANNA Stop. Put us down! OLAF (to Marshmallow) You are a lot stronger than I think you realize. Marshmallow tosses Kristoff and Anna down the steps. 72 FROZEN - J. Lee MARSHMALLOW (like a bouncer) Go away! Anna and Kistoff slide past Sven, who's got his tongue stuck to the ice railing. OLAF (O.S.) Heads up! Olaf's head smashes into a snowbank nearby. ANNA Olaf! OLAF Watch out for my butt! Anna and Kristoff duck as the rest of Olaf slams into the snowbank. Marshmallow turns to go back into the castle. Incensed, Anna tries to march back up the stairs. ANNA It is not nice to throw people! Kristoff grabs her, pulls her back. KRISTOFF ANNA All right feisty pants. Calm Let me at him. I want to get down. Woaw. Just let the snow him. I.... Okay. I'm Calm. man be. Anna backs down...for a moment. Then she grabs a snowball and throws it at Marshmallow. The tiny little ball hits Marshmallow's back, not making even the slightest dent. But it's enough to infuriate him. He ROARS. Spikes shoot out of his joints. KRISTOFF Uh-oh. Now you made him mad! OLAF ...I'll distract him. You guys go. Kristoff pushes Anna along. Sven runs off in the opposite direction. Olaf's belly and butt fall and follow Sven. OLAF (CONT'D) No, no, not you guys. 73 FROZEN - J. Lee Marshmallow goes charging after Anna and Kristoff as Olaf's head falls and lands face down in snow. OLAF (CONT'D) (muffled) This just got a whole lot harder. Anna and Kristoff leap and slide down a steep slope. They tumble to a stop at the bottom just as Marshmallow lands hard right behind them. They're off again...through a maze of conifers that sag under the weight of the snow, Marshmallow hot on their trail. KRISTOFF This way! Anna grabs a branch of a sagging trees and releases all of the snow. The tree snaps upright, knocking Marshmallow back. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (impressed) Ho-ho-ho! ANNA I got him! Anna and Kristoff burst out of the conifer forest and almost run right off a cliff. They stop short, toes on the edge. KRISTOFF Whoa, stop! ANNA It's a hundred foot drop. KRISTOFF It's two hundred. Kristoff ties the rope around Anna and pulls tight. ANNA Ow. He drops to his knees and starts digging a u-shape in the snow with a pick axe. ANNA (CONT'D) What's that for? KRISTOFF I'm digging a snow anchor. 74 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (not trusting) Okay. What if we fall? KRISTOFF There's twenty feet of fresh powder down there; it'll be like landing on a pillow.... Hopefully. They hear an angry ROAR coming closer. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Okay, Anna. On three. Anna preps for the jump like a boxer getting ready to fight. ANNA Okay. You tell me when... KRISTOFF One... ANNA ...I'm ready to go.... KRISTOFF Two... ANNA (pumped up) ...I was BORN ready! Yes! KRISTOFF Calm down. A huge tree flies through the air toward them. ANNA (O.S.) TREE! Anna jumps and pulls Kristoff over the edge with her. They hang upside down over the cliff by the rope. The rope catches their fall. KRISTOFF Whoa! That happened. Back up top, Olaf emerges from the woods. He's a complete mess, all his body parts are in the wrong places. He huffs and puffs, struggling to run. OLAF Ah. Ah. Man, am I out of shape. 75 FROZEN - J. Lee He stops. Puts his body back together in the right order. OLAF (CONT'D) There we go. Hey, Anna! Sven! Where'd ya guys go? We totally lost Marshmallow back there! Marshmallow steps up behind Olaf. Olaf turns to face him. OLAF (CONT'D) (happily) Hey. We were just talking about you. All good things, all good things. Marshmallow roars and approaches Kristoff's snow anchor. OLAF (CONT'D) NO! Olaf jumps onto Marshmallow's leg trying to stop him, but not making much of a difference. OLAF (CONT'D) This is not making much of a difference! Marshmallow flicks Olaf off his leg and right over the cliff. OLAF (CONT'D) WHOA! Olaf passes Anna and Kristoff. ANNA Olaf! OLAF Hang in there, guys! Marshmallow starts yanking Kristoff and Anna's rope up. ANNA Wait, what? Kristoff's head hits the cliff. KRISTOFF Aargghh! Kristoff passes out and hangs like a rag doll. ANNA Kristoff! 76 FROZEN - J. Lee Marshmallow pulls them up. He roars and breathes snow all over them. MARSHMALLOW Don't come back! ANNA (grossed out by his snow breath) Ugh. We won't. Anna whips out a knife and cuts the rope. Kristoff comes to just as they fall. They both SCREAM! SLAM! REVEAL: Anna opens her eyes to find herself buried up to her shoulders in the soft thick snow. She laughs. ANNA (CONT'D) Hey, you were right. Just like a pillow. She looks up to see Olaf's upper half hanging onto Kristoff's boots, which are sticking out of the snow. OLAF (shaking the boots) I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs! Suddenly, Kristoff's head pops up. He spits out snow. KRISTOFF Those are my legs. Olaf's bottom goes running by. OLAF (to Kristoff) Ooh. Hey, do me a favor, grab my butt. Kristoff grabs Olaf's head and puts it on his body. OLAF (CONT'D) Oh, that feels better. Sven walks up and sniffs Olaf's nose. OLAF (CONT'D) Hey, Sven! 77 FROZEN - J. Lee Olaf turns to Anna and Kristoff just as Sven goes to bite off his nose -- and misses. OLAF (CONT'D) He found us. (to Sven, funny voice) Who's my cute little reindeer? KRISTOFF Don't talk to him like that. Kristoff goes over to help Anna, who is stuck in the snow. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Here. He lifts her out easily. ANNA (impressed) Whoa! KRISTOFF You okay? ANNA Thank you. They meet eyes. Wait. Is that chemistry? ANNA (CONT'D) ...Um.... How's your head? She touches the spot where he banged his head. KRISTOFF (in pain) Ah! Ooh! He catches himself. Waves off the pain with a giggle. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) I mean, It's fine. Ah...I'm good. Ha. I've got a thick skull. OLAF I don't have a skull.... Or bones. KRISTOFF ...So.... The awkwardness is killing him. 78 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (shy) Now what? ANNA (shy) Now what? (then...panicking) Now what?! Oh! What am I gonna do? She threw me out. I can't go back to Arendelle with the weather like this. And then there's your ice business-- KRISTOFF Hey, hey, don't worry about my ice business... (noticing something) Worry about your hair?! She thinks he means it looks bad. She smooths it down. ANNA What? I just fell off a cliff. You should see your hair. KRISTOFF No, yours is turning white. She grabs her braid as a tendril turns white. ANNA White? It's what? KRISTOFF It's because she struck you; isn't it? ANNA Does it look bad? KRISTOFF (thinking) ...No. Olaf's head pops up. He's holding his head up off his body to join the conversation. OLAF You hesitated. KRISTOFF No, I didn't. Anna, you need help. Now, come on. 79 FROZEN - J. Lee He heads towards the sunset. Sven and Olaf follow. OLAF Okay! Where are we going? KRISTOFF To see my friends. ANNA (catching up) The love experts? OLAF Love experts?! KRISTOFF Yes. And don't worry; they'll be able to fix this. ANNA How do you know? He looks her over, remembering the moment he saw the trolls heal her as a child. KRISTOFF ...Because I've seen them do it before. As they round the bend, the sun sets and Olaf turns to Sven. OLAF I like to consider myself a love expert. CUT TO: INT. ELSA'S PALACE -- DAY Elsa paces, distraught. She talks to herself. ELSA (mantra-style) Get it together. Control it. Don't feel. Don't feel. Don't FEEL! She hears ice cracking. Stops. Looks around. She's left a sharp wake of ice spikes behind her on the floor. They grow up the wall, taking over the castle. DISSOLVE TO: 80 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. BLACK MOUNTAINS -- NIGHT The Northern Lights are bright. Olaf stares at them in awe as he rides on Sven's back. OLAF Look, Sven. The sky's awake. Behind Olaf and Sven, Anna walks with Kristoff. She shivers. KRISTOFF Are you cold? ANNA ...A little. He reaches like he might put an arm around her, but decides against it. He looks around as if he doesn't know what to do, then gets a thought. KRISTOFF Wait. Come here. He takes her hand and pulls her around a bend into a rock- lined pass. Steam vents, powered by the volcanic activity, dot the path. He holds her hands over one of them. ANNA Oooh.... That's nice. They continue on the path, walking from vent to vent. KRISTOFF (taking a deep breath) So, about my friends...well, I say friends, they're more like family.... Anyway, when I was a kid, it was just me and Sven...until they took me in. ANNA (moved) They did? KRISTOFF (nervous ramble) Yeah. I don't want to scare you, they can be a little bit inappropriate...and loud...very loud...they're also stubborn at times, and a little overbearing. And heavy. Really, really heavy. (MORE) 81 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (CONT'D) But they're fine.. You'll get it. They mean well. Anna touches Kristoff's arm, reassuringly. ANNA Kristoff, they sound wonderful. Kristoff smiles, appreciating her sincerity. KRISTOFF Okay then.... Mustering the courage, Kristoff steps forward and with a wave of the arms announces-- KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Meet my family. REVEAL: he's surrounded by rocks. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (to the rocks) Hey, guys! As Kristoff and Sven move through the rocks, waving and greeting, Olaf and Anna stand frozen, dumbfounded. ANNA (to herself) ...They're rocks. OLAF (realizing) He's crazy. (covertly, to Anna) I'll distract them while you run. (Loud and slow to a rock) Hi, Sven's family! It's nice to meet you! (quietly to Anna) Anna, because I love you, I insist you run. (to the rock) I understand you're love experts! (to Anna) Why aren't you running? Anna snaps out of her shock and starts backing away. ANNA Okay. Um...I'm gonna go-- Just then the rocks around her start rolling. 82 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) (panicking) Kristoff! Olaf lights up and chases the rocks, who surround Kristoff and unfold as trolls. BULDA KRISTOFF'S HOME! TROLLS (VARIOUS) Kristoff! Kristoff's home! It's been too long! Kristoff's home! Olaf jumps around all excitedly. OLAF (excitedly) Kristoff's home. He then stops, confused, and looks to one of the trolls. OLAF (CONT'D) Wait? Kristoff? Anna watches, shocked and confused. The trolls all want Kristoff's attention. One troll yanks him down with a boulder's strength. TROLL ONE Oh, lemme look at you! Another troll tries to pull off his clothes. TROLL TWO Oh, take off your clothes, Kristoff; I wash them. KRISTOFF (holding up his pants) Ah! No. I'm gonna keep my clothes on, thank you. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Great to see you all. Where's grandpa? MUSHROOM KID TROLL He's napping. But look, I grew a mushroom. TROLL SCOUT KID And I earned my fire crystal. 83 FROZEN - J. Lee KIDNEY STONE TROLL I passed a kidney stone. PICK ME UP TROLL Pick me up. The kid troll jumps up on Kristoff's arm. Kristoff sinks under the weight of him. Anna still stares, confused, then realizes... ANNA Trolls? They're trolls. Silence. All troll eyes turn to Anna. Blink. Blink. BULDA ...He's brought a girl! TROLLS (TOGETHER) He's brought a girl! Suddenly Anna is surrounded by trolls. They body-surf/roll Anna over to Kristoff. She falls into his arms. ANNA What's going on? KRISTOFF I've learned to just roll with it. Bulda climbs on top of her husband, Cliff, to get a good look at Anna. She studies her like she's a piece of cattle. BULDA Let me see. Bright eyes. Working nose. Strong teeth. Yes, yes, yes. She'll do nicely for our Kristoff. ANNA Wait. Oh. Um. No. KRISTOFF You've got the wrong idea. That's not why I brought her here. ANNA Right. We're not. I'm not-- Anna laughs, uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. 84 FROZEN - J. Lee BULDA (to Anna) What's the issue, dear? Why are you holding back from such a man? Bulda SINGS. "Fixer-Upper" TROLLS (VARIOUS) IS IT THE CLUMPY WAY HE WALKS? OR THE GRUMPY WAY HE TALKS? OR THE PEAR-SHAPED, SQUARE-SHAPED WEIRDNESS OF HIS FEET? AND THOUGH WE KNOW HE WASHES WELL HE ALWAYS ENDS UP SORTA SMELLY. BUT YOU'LL NEVER MEET A FELLA WHO'S AS SENSITIVE AND SWEET. TROLLS (CHORUS) (CONT'D) SO HE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, SO HE'S GOT A FEW FLAWS- HIS PECULIAR BRAIN, DEAR. HIS THING FOR THE REINDEER THAT OUTSIDE A FEW OF NATURE'S LAWS. SO HE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, BUT THIS WE'RE CERTAIN OF- YOU CAN FIX THIS FIXER UPPER UP WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LOVE. KRISTOFF Can we just stop talking about this?! We've got a real, actual problem here. BULDA I'll say-- (To Anna) IS IT THE WAY THAT HE RUNS SCARED? TROLLS (VARIOUS) OR THAT HE'S SOCIALLY IMPAIRED? KID TROLL OR THAT HE ONLY LIKES TO TINKLE IN THE WOODS? TROLLS (VARIOUS) ARE YOU HOLDING BACK YOUR FONDNESS DUE TO HIS UNMANLY BLONDENESS? OR THE WAY HE COVERS UP THAT HE'S THE HONEST GOODS? 85 FROZEN - J. Lee TROLLS (CHORUS) (CONT'D) HE'S JUST A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER- HE'S GOT A COUPLE A' BUGS. KRISTOFF No, I don't. TROLLS HIS ISOLATION IS CONFIRMATION OF HIS DESPERATION FOR HEALING HUGS. SO HE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, BUT WE KNOW WHAT TO DO. THE WAY TO FIX UP THIS FIXER UPPER IS TO FIX HIM UP WITH YOU. The girl trolls sweep Anna away. The boys take Kristoff. KRISTOFF (to the male trolls) Enough! She's engaged to someone else. Okay?! TROLLS beat. Blink. Blink. The boy trolls turn, huddle... TROLLS (VARIOUS) SO SHE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, THAT'S A MINOR THING. THIS QUOTE "ENGAGEMENT" IS A FLEX ARRANGEMENT. KID TROLL AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T SEE NO RING. TROLLS (VARIOUS) SO SHE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, HER BRAIN'S A BIT BETWIXT. GET THE FIANCE OUT OF THE WAY AND THE WHOLE THING WILL BE FIXED! GIRL TROLLS WE AREN'T SAYING YOU CAN CHANGE HIM TROLLS (VARIOUS) 'CAUSE PEOPLE DON'T REALLY CHANGE. WE'RE ONLY SAYING THAT LOVE'S A FORCE THAT'S POWERFUL AND STRANGE. PEOPLE MAKE BAD CHOICES IF THEY'RE MAD OR SCARED OR STRESSED. (MORE) 86 FROZEN - J. Lee TROLLS (VARIOUS) (CONT'D) BUT THROW A LITTLE LOVE THEIR WAY (THROW A LITTLE LOVE THEIR WAY) AND YOU'LL BRING OUT THEIR BEST! TRUE LOVE BRINGS OUT THE BEST! Kristoff looks over at Anna. She actually looks shockingly beautiful dressed in moss, lit by shimmering crystals. ALL TROLLS EVERYONE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT FATHER, SISTER, BROTHER WE NEED EACH OTHER TO RAISE US UP AND ROUND US OUT By this time Kristoff and Anna are being ushered into a pit by the sheer force of numbers. TROLLS EVERYONE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, BUT WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE- THE ONLY FIXER UPPER FIXER THAT CAN FIX A FIXER UPPER IS TRUE TRUE TRUE TRUE LOVE During this last bit Anna and Kristoff are looking at each other differently. Hmmm. Maybe those trolls are right? Sparks! Chemistry! TROLL PRIEST Do you, Anna, take Kristoff to be your trollfully wedded-- ANNA Wait, what?! TROLL PRIEST You're getting married. TROLLS LOVE! Just then, Anna collapses. Kristoff catches her. She's shivering something fierce. KRISTOFF Anna? He pulls off her cape and hat. 87 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (CONT'D) She's as cold as ice. Just then Grand Pabbie pushes his way through the crowd. Trolls clear the way for Pabbie. He stops at the edge of the pit. GRAND PABBIE There's strange magic here! KRISTOFF Grand Pabbie! GRAND PABBIE Bring her to me, Kristoff. Kristoff helps Anna over. Pabbie looks into her weak eyes. GRAND PABBIE (CONT'D) Anna, your life is in danger. There is ice in your heart, put there by your sister. If not removed, to solid ice will you freeze, forever. ANNA What...? No. KRISTOFF So remove it, Grand Pabbie. GRAND PABBIE I can't. If it was her head, that would be easy. But only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart. ANNA An act of true love? BULDA (googley, to her hubby) A true love's kiss, perhaps? A bunch of trolls give each other kisses. Anna shivers again, collapsing into Kristoff's arms. More of her hair turns white. KRISTOFF Anna, we've got to get you back to Hans. ANNA (still weak) ...Hans. 88 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF Help us out, Sven. Kristoff grabs Sven's antlers. Sven pulls them out. Kristoff helps Anna onto Sven and hops up behind her. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Come on, Olaf! Sven takes off. Olaf grabs Sven's tail, rides with them. OLAF I'm coming! Let's go kiss Hans! Who is this Hans?! CUT TO: EXT. ELSA'S PALACE - DAWN Hans and the men tread cautiously towards the castle. HANS We are here to find Princess Anna. Be on guard, but no harm is to come to the Queen. Do you understand? The Duke's thugs exchange a look. Suddenly, a mass of snow rises from the ground behind Hans. It's Marshmallow, Elsa's snow guard. MARSHMALLOW Go away! He slams a fist inches from Hans. Hans deftly dodges out of the way. All of the guards take up arms against Marshmallow, who quickly knocks them over. Marshmallow throws down a guard and his horse, who topple over Hans. Marshmallow raises his foot to stomp on Hans, but Hans barrel-rolls himself to safety. He sees his sword, leaps, and grabs it. Just then, Elsa peeks out the front doors. The Duke's two thugs see her. DUKE'S THUG The Queen. The thugs charge up the stairs. 89 FROZEN - J. Lee INT. ELSA'S PALACE -- DAY They guards burst through the ice doors. Elsa flees to the top floor of her palace. The guards pursue. They trap her on the top floor, raise their crossbows. ELSA (scared) No. Please. One of the thugs shoots an arrow right at Elsa. At the last moment she creates an ice wall. It stops the arrow, inches from her face. The thugs reposition to take another shot. ELSA (CONT'D) Stay away! Elsa shoots ice at the thugs. They duck out of the way and continue the attack. THUG Get her! Get her! Elsa fights for her life. BACK OUTSIDE: Hans is nearly crushed by Marshmallow. He rolls away. Jumps to his feet. And with agile might, he slices Marshmallow's leg off with his sword. Marshmallow stumbles back, off balance. And falls off over the cliff, but not before striking Hans. Hans goes over the edge. REVEAL: Hans clings to the ice steps. His men help him up and they rush into the ice palace. INT. ICE PALACE -- DAY Elsa is surrounded. It's do or die. In two swift moves, Elsa traps one thug in a cage of spikes that threaten his neck. The other she pushes back with a wall of ice....up against the balcony doors...which BURST and CRACK. OUT ONTO THE BALCONY.... The balcony doors shatter. The thug is pushed to the edge. He's inches away from falling to his death. BACK INSIDE: Hans and his men run in. See the destruction and the thugs near death. 90 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS Queen Elsa! Don't be the monster they fear you are. Elsa snaps out of her rage. She sees the men, frightened, moments from death. She stops. Elsa looks to Hans, overwhelmed, frightened. The wall retreats from the thug on the balcony. The ice spikes lower from the second thug's neck. He takes advantage and aims his crossbow at Elsa's back. Seeing it. Hans runs and pushes the crossbow up just as the arrow releases. The arrow hits the ice chandelier, hanging directly above Elsa. The chandelier comes CRASHING DOWN. Elsa dives out of the way but she falls in the blast. All we see is ice smashing like glass, and all we hear is the sound of it shattering as it rings out. CUT TO BLACK. FADE IN ON: Elsa's face as her eyes flutter open. She sits up. She's surrounded by stone. INT. ARENDELLE, DUNGEON -- DAY Elsa looks to the nearby window. Tries to rush to it. She's pulled taut by giant shackles that fit like iron gloves. She's chained to the wall. Elsa strains to looks out a window... INSET WINDOW: Arendelle is outside, frozen solid and getting further buried under the ice and snow that is falling. ELSA No....What have I done? Hans enters. He hangs a torch by the door. ELSA (CONT'D) Why did you bring me here? HANS I couldn't just let them kill you. 91 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA But I'm a danger to Arendelle. Get Anna. HANS Anna has not returned.... Elsa looks to the storm with worry. HANS (CONT'D) If you would just stop the winter, bring back summer...please. Elsa meets his eyes, desperate. ELSA Don't you see...I can't. Hans sees the sincerity in her eyes. ELSA (CONT'D) You have to tell them to let me go. Hans walks to the door. He takes the torch. HANS I will do what I can. He opens the door and leaves. Elsa, distraught, hears cracking. She looks down as her shackles begin to freeze over. The storm outside picks up. CUT TO: EXT. THE FJORDS -- DAY Sven charges down the mountain with Kristoff and Anna on his back. Olaf slides along beside them, penguin-style. Anna shivers in Kristoff's arms. She's weakening. Kristoff takes off his hat and puts it on her head. KRISTOFF Just hang in there. (to Sven) Come on, buddy, faster! They arrive at the walls of Arendelle. Olaf slides past them, out of control. OLAF I'll meet you guys at the castle! 92 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF Stay out of sight, Olaf! OLAF I will! He disappears into the village streets. OLAF (O.S.) (CONT'D) Hello! TOWNSWOMAN (O.S.) Ah! It's alive! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD -- DAY Guards see Kristoff and Anna approaching. GUARD It's Princess Anna! Sven skids to a stop outside the gates. Kristoff slides off, holding Anna, and carries her to the gate. KRISTOFF I've got you. Anna looks up at him, gratefully. ANNA ...Are you g-gonna be okay? KRISTOFF (touched, reassuring) Don't worry about me. Just then the castle gates open. Gerda, Kai, and a handmaid rush to help Anna. GERDA Anna! Oh, you had us worried sick. KAI My Lady. You are freezing. GERDA You poor girl, you're freezing. Let's get you inside. 93 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF Get her warm and find Prince Hans, immediately. KAI We will. Thank you. Anna is swept away from Kristoff and into the palace grounds. KRISTOFF Make sure she's safe! Kristoff is shut out as the castle gates close on him. Kristoff stands there with Sven for a beat, staring with worry at the closed gates. Finally, he sighs, turns and walks off. Sven reluctantly follows. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY -- DAY Hans stands with the dignitaries and guards. HANS I'm going back out to look for Princess Anna. FRENCH DIGNITARY You cannot risk going out there again. HANS If anything happens to her-- SPANISH DIGNITARY If anything happens to the Princess, you are all Arendelle has left. Hans hesitates, realizing how much this kingdom has come to depend on him. Is he really all they have left? Just then the door opens and Gerda and Kai bring in Anna. KAI He's in here. Prince Hans. HANS Anna. 94 FROZEN - J. Lee Hans rushes to Anna. She falls into his arms. HANS (CONT'D) You're so cold. ANNA (weak, but desperate) Hans, you have to kiss me. HANS What? ANNA Now. Here we go. She tries to kiss him, but is too weak to pull herself up in his arms. GERDA We'll give you two some privacy. Everyone shuffles out, leaving Hans and Anna alone. HANS What happened out there? ANNA Elsa struck me with her powers. HANS You said she'd never hurt you. ANNA I was wrong. Anna crumbles, weak. HANS Anna. Hans carries her to a couch, sets her down. ANNA (shivering more) She froze my heart and only an act of true love can save me. HANS (understanding) A true love's kiss. He takes her chin in his hand and gives her a tender smile. He leans in slowly...gently... 95 FROZEN - J. Lee Then he stops. HANS (CONT'D) Oh, Anna. If only there was someone out there who loved you. ANNA What? Hans gets up, leaving her there. ANNA (CONT'D) ...You said you did. He goes to the window and shuts the curtains. HANS As thirteenth in line in my own kingdom, I didn't stand a chance. I knew I'd have to marry into the throne somewhere-- ANNA What are you talking about? HANS (putting out the candles) As heir, Elsa was preferable, of course. But no one was getting anywhere with her. But you- ANNA Hans? HANS You were so desperate for love you were willing to marry me, just like that. Hans crosses the room, grabs a pitcher of water from a table and goes to the fireplace. HANS (CONT'D) I figured, after we married, I'd have to stage a little accident for Elsa. Hans pours the water on the fireplace, putting out the fire. Anna tries to stop him. She falls to the floor, weak. ANNA Hans. No, stop. 96 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS But then she doomed herself, and you were dumb enough to go after her. ANNA Please. HANS (chuckles) All that's left now is to kill Elsa and bring back summer. Hans approaches Anna. ANNA ...You're no match for Elsa. He bends down, takes her chin in his hand again, this time not so gently. HANS No, you're no match for Elsa. I, on the other hand, am the hero who is going to save Arendelle from destruction. She wrenches her face out of his hands. ANNA (anger) You won't get away with this. Hans rises and crosses to the door. HANS Oh, I already have. Hans leaves and shuts her in, locking the door. Anna struggles to the door, yanks on the locked handle. ANNA (hoarse and weak) Please, somebody help. The rest of her hair turns white and she crumbles to the floor. CUT TO: 97 FROZEN - J. Lee INT. COUNCIL CHAMBER -- NIGHT The Duke looks out the window at the growing snowstorm. He rubs his arms and shivers. DUKE It's getting colder by the minute. If we don't do something soon, we'll all freeze to death. Hans comes in, putting on his most distraught face. SPANISH DIGNITARY Prince Hans. HANS Princess Anna is...dead. VARIOUS DIGNITARIES What...? No.... Mon dieu. Hans stumbles, weak with grief. The men help him to a chair. DUKE What happened to her? HANS She was killed by Queen Elsa. DUKE Her own sister. HANS (really putting it on) At least we got to say our marriage vows...before she died in my arms. He bows his head in a brilliant display of teary grief. DUKE There can be no doubt now; Queen Elsa is a monster and we are all in grave danger. SPANISH DIGNITARY Prince Hans, Arendelle looks to you. Hans nods; he knows what he's being asked to do, and he'll do it with the perfect amount of authority and gravitas. 98 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS With a heavy heart, I charge Queen Elsa of Arendelle with treason and sentence her to death. INT. ELSA'S DUNGEON -- DAY The cell ices over. Elsa looks out at the storm that is devastating Arendelle, then hears the guards approaching. GUARD (O.S.) She's dangerous. Move quickly and with resolve. Elsa pulls at her shackles. They crack. Just as the door busts open, the weight of the ice crumbles the walls. The men duck out of the way. Hans pushes his way into the room...sees... The back wall is blown open. Broken shackles rest on the floor. Elsa is gone. CUT TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN SLOPE -- DAY Kristoff heads into the mountains. Sven lags behind, not wanting to follow. He looks back at the kingdom, then shakes his head. Enough. He runs past Kristoff. Stops and turns to face him. He snorts and grunts. KRISTOFF What is it, buddy? Sven nudges Kristoff with his antlers. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Hey, watch it. What's wrong with you? Sven snorts with more conviction, moos, brays. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (avoiding) ...I don't understand you when you talk like that. 99 FROZEN - J. Lee Kristoff tries to walk on ahead, but Sven uses his antlers to lift Kristoff off the ground. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Ah! Stop it! Put me down! Sven drops him hard then "yells" at him once more. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) No, Sven! We're not going back! Sven shakes his head, angrily. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) She's with her true love. Sven makes an "of-course-she-isn't" face. Kristoff gets it; he's made his point. Just then the wind picks up. Kristoff looks back at the kingdom. Sees a violent winter storm swirling over the castle. Sharp ice claws its way up the castle, encasing it. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Anna. Without hesitating, he dashes back down the mountain. Sven runs after him, catches up. Kristoff grabs Sven's harness and jumps onto his back. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY -- NIGHT Anna shivers by the door. She looks up to see ice overtaking the ceiling. The door handle suddenly jiggles. Stops. Jiggles again. ANNA (barely a whisper) Help. CLICK. The door swings open. We see a carrot in the lock and hear a giggle of victory. Olaf takes the carrot, puts it back on his face. Then he sees Anna lying there. OLAF Anna. Oh no. He runs to the fireplace. Throws in some fresh wood, including one of his own arms, which he quickly rescues, before striking a match and relighting the fire. 100 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Olaf? Olaf. Get away from there. OLAF Whoa! So this is heat.... (considering) I love it. He reaches a twig finger toward the flames. It catches on fire. OLAF (CONT'D) Ooh! But don't touch it! He shakes the flame out, as he rushes over to help Anna to the fire. OLAF (CONT'D) So, where's Hans? What happened to your kiss? ANNA I was wrong about him. It wasn't true love. OLAF (confused innocence) Huh. But we ran all the way here? ANNA Please Olaf, you can't stay here; you'll melt. OLAF I am not leaving here until we find some other act of true love to save you. He sits down behind her, stubbornly. Leans his back against hers and thinks. OLAF (CONT'D) ...Do you happen to have any ideas? ANNA I don't even know what love is. OLAF (confident) That's okay, I do.... Olaf hops back up and puts a soothing hand on her shoulder. 101 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF (CONT'D) Love is...putting someone else's needs before yours, like, you know, how Kristoff brought you back here to Hans and left you forever. ANNA ...Kristoff loves me? OLAF Wow, you really don't know anything about love, do you? His face starts to melt. ANNA Olaf, you're melting. OLAF (sweet and reassuring) Some people are worth melting for. But then...his face REALLY melts. He panics, pushes the snow back in place. OLAF (CONT'D) Just maybe not right this second. Suddenly, the window blows open, cold wind sweeps in. OLAF (CONT'D) Don't worry, I've got it! Olaf flitters to the window. He pulls one panel of it shut but struggles with the second panel. OLAF (CONT'D) (determined) We're going to get through-- (distracted) Oh, wait. Hang on. I'm getting something. He breaks an icicle off the window, uses it as a telescope and sees... Kristoff and Sven running back down the mountain. OLAF (CONT'D) It's Kristoff and Sven! They're coming back this way. ANNA ...They-they are? 102 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF Wow, he's really moving fast. Huh.... I guess I was wrong. I guess Kristoff doesn't love you enough to leave you behind. Anna tries to get to her feet. ANNA Help me up, Olaf. Please. He hurries over, tumbling over the couch, knocking over the chess set and water jugs. OLAF No, no, no, no, no. You need to stay by the fire and keep warm. ANNA I need to get to Kristoff. OLAF (clueless) Why...? (realizing) Oh, oh, oh, I know why. He hops around in an excited display of hope. OLAF (CONT'D) There's your act of true love, right there, riding across the fjords like a valiant, pungent reindeer king! Come on! The walls crack under the ice pressure. OLAF (CONT'D) Look out! They rush out the room just as the ceiling collapses. INT. CASTLE HALLWAY -- DAY Anna and Olaf struggle down the hall. Ice spikes grow and block their path. OLAF We're trapped. Anna looks around desperately for a way out. 103 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. FJORD -- DAY Elsa runs, but is nearly blinded by the snow and wind. EXT. CASTLE -- DAY Anna and Olaf bust open a window. The storm is so strong it sweeps the window panes away. OLAF Slide, Anna. It's a long, snowy way down. But what choice do they have? They slide down the iced-covered building. Anna arrives at the bottom, weak but uninjured. Olaf gathers snow along the way. He arrives at the bottom as a giant snowball. OLAF (CONT'D) We made it! He shakes off the extra snow as Anna struggles to her feet. EXT. FJORD -- DAY Kristoff and Sven bound off the mountain and sprint across the frozen fjord waters and right into the heart of the storm. Its white-out wind pushes them back. But they fight through. KRISTOFF Come on, buddy, faster. CUT TO: Anna and Olaf reach the shore of the fjords. ANNA Kristoff! The wind lifts Olaf up and pulls him apart. He goes swirling off into the storm. OLAF Keep going, Anna! Anna struggles on. 104 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Kristoff! PAN TO: Kristoff rides Sven past cracking, frozen ships. Sven struggles over the uneven surface. KRISTOFF Come on! Come on! Suddenly, a mangled ship, risen by ice, capsizes over them. They give it all they've got as debris falls all around them and the mast shatters. They make it past just as the entire ship slams down and cracks the thick ice beneath their feet. The ice opens up. Sven bravely jumps over a gap. But it's too wide. He bucks Kristoff to safety, but lands in the freezing water and disappears below. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Sven? Sven! At first there's nothing but the wind and the tumbling icy water. But suddenly, Sven surfaces and claws his way to a floating ice chunk. He calls out, signalling for Kristoff to go on. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Good boy. CUT TO: Anna moves blindly across the fjord. Anna's hands frost over an icy blue. She stumbles on, determined. But she's running out of time. She clutches her chest. The color in her eyes fades, the inevitable is coming. CUT TO: Kristoff, lost in the white-out, doesn't know which way to turn. But then he hears a faint-- ANNA (O.S.) Kristoff. KRISTOFF Anna...? Anna! WHITE OUT TO: 105 FROZEN - J. Lee Elsa struggles through her own storm, but the fear is consuming her. A dark shadow approaches. It's Hans. HANS Elsa. You can't run from this! Elsa backs away from him. ELSA ...Just take care of my sister. HANS Your sister? She returned from the mountain weak and cold. She said you froze her heart. ELSA What? No. HANS I tried to save her, but it was too late. Her skin was ice. Her hair turned white... Elsa's face sinks as she realizes what she has done. HANS (CONT'D) Your sister is dead... because of you. Elsa drops to her knees, emotionally broken. And with that, the swirling storm suddenly stops. The snow freezes mid-air, hangs suspended, trapped in grief. Citizens and dignitaries rush to the wall's edge and look out to see... Anna, barely able to move but now able to see across the fjords to... ANNA (a whisper) Kristoff. KRISTOFF Anna. Anna pushes on towards Kristoff. He runs top speed towards her. There's still a lot of fjord to cross, but Kristoff is giving it all he's got. He's going to make it. But then, Anna hears the sound of a sword being drawn from its scabbard. She turns and sees Hans, behind Elsa, as he raises his sword over his head. 106 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Elsa. Anna looks back at Kristoff as he runs for her. She gives him a longing look, but then turns away from him and then... Using all of her remaining strength, as Hans brings his sword down, Anna throws herself in front of Elsa. ANNA (CONT'D) No! In that instant, Anna freezes to solid ice. The sword hits her instead of Elsa. The sword shatters completely. The force of it sends Hans flying back and knocks him out. ELSA Anna! Elsa rushes to Anna and touches her sister's frozen face. ELSA (CONT'D) Oh, Anna...no...no, please no. Olaf walks up and sees Anna, frozen. OLAF (confused, sad) Anna? Elsa hugs Anna and cries. Kristoff watches in shocked despair. Sven steps up to his side. Citizens and dignitaries on the castle walls bow their heads. All of Arendelle is joined in somber silence. But then, Anna warms. She begins to thaw. Olaf looks up and gasps. Kristoff and Sven notice, light up. Anna bends her arm and embraces Elsa. ELSA Wha-? Anna? Anna opens her eyes. She smiles at Elsa, relieved. ANNA Oh, Elsa. They embrace. 107 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA ...You sacrificed yourself for me? ANNA (weak) ...I love you. Olaf realizes what's happened. He's so excited about it, he lifts his head right off his body and exclaims-- OLAF An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart. ELSA (processing) Love...will thaw... (realizing) Love.... Of course. Elsa looks at Anna with confidence. ANNA Elsa? ELSA Love. Elsa lifts her arms, and the ground shakes and cracks. The ice and snow breaks away and rises high into the air. Beneath their feet the bow of a ship thaws. The entire fjord melts and other boats right themselves. The villagers come out to see the warmth returning. In one final wave, Elsa draws all of the snow into a giant snowflake in the sky, then waves it away, leaving only a warm summer day. ANNA I knew you could do it. OLAF (melting, good-naturedly) Hands down, this is the best day of my life...and quite possibly the last. ELSA Oh, Olaf. Hang on, little guy. 108 FROZEN - J. Lee Elsa waves her hand and surrounds Olaf with a swirl of cold air. He refreezes. Above his head she leaves a little, perpetually-snowing storm cloud. Olaf loves it. OLAF Hey, my own personal flurry. Kristoff sees Hans trying to get to his feet. He marches toward him, prepared for a fight. But Anna puts up a hand and stops him. ANNA Uh. Uh. Uh. She'll handle this. She goes over to Hans. HANS (confused) Anna? But she froze your heart. ANNA The only frozen heart around here is yours. She turns away from him, proud of her words. But not yet satisfied, she turns back and punches him right in the face. HANS Ah! Whoa, whoa, whoa! He falls overboard. Elsa comes over to Anna and hugs her. Over her shoulder, Kristoff meets Anna's eyes. She smiles brighter, happy. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. ARENDELLE -- DAY It's a beautiful summer day. The mighty ships have been repaired and are sailing away. On one of the ships, HANS is thrown into a brig. FRENCH DIGNITARY (to Kai) I will return this scoundrel to his country. We shall see what his twelve big brothers think of his behavior. KAI Arendelle thanks you, my Lord. 109 FROZEN - J. Lee Down on the dock, Arendelle guards lead the Duke and his two thugs to their ship. DUKE This is unacceptable. I am innocent. I'm a victim of fear. I've been traumatized. (bad acting) Ow! My neck hurts. Is there a doctor I could...No? And I demand to see the Queen! Kai steps down from the gangplank to the dock. KAI I have a message from the Queen. (reading a scroll) Arendelle will henceforth and forever no longer do business of any sort with Weaseltown. DUKE Weselton. It's Weselton! The guards usher him and his thugs onto their ship. EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE -- DAY Anna runs through the crowd, pulling a blindfolded Kristoff along behind her. She's so excited she can't stand it. ANNA Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on! She runs him right into a pole. KRISTOFF Pole. ANNA Oops. Sorry. EXT. ARENDELLE DOCKS -- DAY Anna skips to the perfect spot and stops. ANNA (stopping) Okay. Okay. Here we are. 110 FROZEN - J. Lee She takes off the blindfold. Kristoff opens his eyes. Before him sits the most beautiful, suped-up sled. Sven poses in front of it -- Vanna White-style. ANNA (CONT'D) I owe you a sled. KRISTOFF (blown away) Are you serious? ANNA Yes. And it's the latest model. KRISTOFF No. I can't accept this... ANNA You have to. No returns. No exchanges. Queen's orders. She's named you the official Arendelle Ice Master and Deliverer. Sven shows off the Ice-Master-and-Deliverer medal like he's king of the bucks. KRISTOFF What? That's not a thing. But he can't help but admire her enthusiasm. ANNA Sure it is. And it even has a cup holder.... Do you like it? KRISTOFF Like it? He sweeps her up high overhead and spins her around. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) I love it.... I could kiss you! He drops her, suddenly embarrassed. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) ...I could. I mean I'd like to. I'd... may I? We me....I mean, may we? Wait, what? She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. ANNA We may. 111 FROZEN - J. Lee He smiles and goes for it. It's a true love's kiss, alright. We move past them to find Olaf enjoying the summer. With his snow cloud safely overhead, he's free to smell the flowers, which he does. Then sneezes his carrot nose off. Sven catches it between his teeth. Olaf gasps as Sven sucks the whole carrot into his mouth. It's gone. Olaf's face sinks in sadness. But not to fear, Sven spits the carrot back out and jams it into Olaf's face where it belongs. It's completely covered in reindeer spit, but Olaf doesn't seem to mind. He hugs Sven happily. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD -- DAY The gates to the castle are wide open. In the courtyard, stands Elsa. ELSA Are you ready? Villagers cheer. Elsa stops and creates an ice rink. The people, skates at the ready, hope onto it and twirl about. Elsa then freezes the fountain in a beautiful design and adds some snow flurries for atmosphere. Anna comes slipping in. Elsa catches her. ANNA I like the open gates. ELSA We are never closing them again. Elsa then waves her hand and magical ice skates (literally made of ice) form on Anna's boots. ANNA What? Oh, Elsa, they're beautiful, but you know I don't ska-- Elsa grabs Anna's hands and pulls her along on the ice. Anna slips and slides, but laughs in delight. Sven goes slipping past. Kristoff runs after him. KRISTOFF Look out. Reindeer coming through! 112 FROZEN - J. Lee Olaf skates and helps Elsa coach Anna. OLAF That's it. Glide and pivot and glide and pivot. We pull away slowly, into the sky. We arrive at a bird's-eye view to see that where the castle had crumbled has been repaired with a ice. All is right in Arendelle. FINAL FADE OUT. THE END

"Dark Star", short film script, by John Carpenter & Dan O'Bannon DARK STAR: A SCIENCE FICTION ADVENTURE A Screenplay by John Carpenter and Dan O'Bannon OPEN ON BLACK SILENCE. The sound of electronic music rises, hollow, metallic. FADE IN on a long TRACKING SHOT through the universe. As the NARRATOR speaks we move through galaxies, nebulae, solar systems, moving from the infinite slowly down to a particular planetary system deep within a maze of suns. NARRATOR (over) It is the mid 22nd Century. Mankind has explored the boundaries of his own solar system, and now he reaches out to the endless interstellar distances of the universe. He moves away from his own small planetary system in huge hyperdrive starships: computer-driven, self-supporting, closed-system spacecraft that travel at mind-staggering post-light velocities. Man has begun to spread among the stars. Enormous ships embark with generations of colonists searching the depths of space for new earths, now homes, new beginnings. Far in advance of these colony ships goes a new pioneer: the scouts, the pathfinders, a special breed of man who has dedicated his life to blazing the trail through the most distant, unexplored galaxies, opening up the farthest frontiers of space. These are the men of the Advance Exploration Corps. The task they face is one of unbelievable isolation and loneliness. So far from home that Earth is no longer even a point of light in the sky, they must comb the universe for those unstable planets whose existence poses a threat to the peaceful colonists that follow. They must find these rogue planets -- and destroy them. Among these commandos are the men of the scoutship Dark Star. We are now moving toward a planet. Floating in front of the planet is the SCOUTSHIP DARK STAR. As we move toward the ship, we begin to hear VOICES, crackling with static. DOOLITTLE (over -- radio filter) Ah, what'd you say, Pinback? PINBACK (over -- great static) Mafhkin oble groop... DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Ah, what was that again, I still can't hear you? PINBACK (over -- filter) I said I'm trying to reach Talby. Something's wrong with the damn intercom. I need a last-minute diameter approximation. CAMERA IS NOW FLOATING TOWARD THE OBSERVATION DOME on top of the ship. In the Dome sits TALBY. He is staring around, wide-eyed, at the planets and stars. DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Talby, Talby, this is Doolittle. Do you read me? Talby? WE MOVE IN CLOSE ON TALBY'S FACE. The shot stops and holds as he continues to stare, rapt. DOOLITTLE (cont'd -- over -- filter) Talby, do you read me? There is a CRACKLE, and Doolittle's voice suddenly booms through, loud and clear: DOOLITTLE (cont'd) TALBY! TALBY (snaps out of it) Oh! Ah, yes, Doolittle. What is it? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM CLOSE SHOT of a digital clock, ticking down the seconds. DOOLITTLE I need a diameter approximation. TALBY (over) Okay, Doolittle, I'll have it in a minute. CAMERA BEGINS TO PULL BACK along the length of the control room, revealing three men: BOILER, DOOLITTLE, and PINBACK. They are seated close together in cramped little chairs, surrounded by a maze of instrumentation, pressing buttons, making adjustments and corrections. There is one EMPTY CHAIR; the panel in front of it looks burned. PINBACK I need a GHF reading on the gravity correction. DOOLITTLE I'll check it. BOILER I have a reduced drive reading of seven thousand. PINBACK Right, that checks out here. DOOLITTLE Pinback... PINBACK Yes, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE Your GHF reading is minus fifteen. PINBACK Doolittle... DOOLITTLE Yes. PINBACK I need a computer reading on a fail- safe mark. DOOLITTLE In a second. PINBACK Boiler, can you set me up with some temp figures? BOILER Ninety seven million, minus eight, corrected to mass critical. PINBACK I read that with a quantum increase of seven. DOOLITTLE Pinback, I have a computer reading of nine five seven seven. BOILER Time to start talking. PINBACK Bomb bay systems operational. Pinback hits a button on his panel. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY The screen is BLACK for an instant. Then, two enormous doors begin to open ponderously, revealing the planet rotating below. A huge BOMB, designated with a giant #19 on its side, lowers slowly out of the ship on a rack. NARRATOR (over) This is a chain-reaction bomb, otherwise known as an Exponential Thermostellar Device. Its own destructive power is small, barely enough to vaporize twelve city blocks. However, when it explodes in contact with an object the size of a planet, it starts a chain-reaction in the very matter of that planet, turning it into a giant reactor which destroys itself in one staggering thermal flash. These bombs are equipped with sophisticated thought and speech mechanisms, to allow them to make executive decisions in the event of a crisis situation. These judgment centers are controlled by a fail- safe mechanism. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Lock fail safe. Pinback turns a key in a lock. PINBACK Fail-safe locked. Ah, Sergeant Pinback call1ng Bomb #19. Do you read me, bomb? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY The bomb is suspended beneath the ship. BOMB #19 Bomb #19 to Sergeant Pinback, I read you. Continue. When the bomb speaks, it has the prim, fussy voice of a minor civil servant. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Well, bomb, we have about sixty seconds to drop. Just wondering if everything is all right. Have you checked your platinum euridium energy shielding? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Energy shielding positive function. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Swell. Let's synchronize detonation time. Do you know when you're supposed to go off? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Detonation in six minutes, twenty seconds. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK All right, I have detonation time at... Wait a minute, something's wrong with the clock. (hits panel) All right, I have detonation time at... no, that can't be right, it says three years. (beats panel again) Okay, I have six minutes exactly. Does that check out down there? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Check at six minutes. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Arm yourself, bomb. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Several lights blip on along the bomb's side. BOMB #19 Armed. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Well, then, everything sounds fine. We'll drop you off in thirty-five seconds. Good luck. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Thanks. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Begin main sequence. Mark at 10-9-8- 7-6-5-4-3-2-1-drop. EXTERIOR - THE SHIP Bomb #19 falls away from the ship and whizzes down toward the planet below. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Hyperdrive sequence begun. Hit it, Pinback. Pinback hits the hyperdrive switch. Force fields energize around the men. EXTERIOR - THE SHIP The DARK STAR accelerates into hyperdrive and streaks away through space. The planetary system recedes in the background. Inside the Observation Dome, Talby is frozen in a protective force field. INSERT: CLOSE SHOT OF A TIME CLOCK. It blips down to ZERO. RETURN TO SCENE Behind the ship, there is an intense flare of light as the planet, now a dot of light, explodes. INTERIOR - OBSERVATION DOME The force field around Talby disappears as the ship comes out of hyperdrive. He rubs his eyes as though awakening, then looks down at his readout panels. INSERT - CLOSE SHOT OF A PANEL. On a small screen we see the exploding planet, and below, a readout says: DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE COMPLETE RETURN TO SCENE Talby touches his intercom. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, it just exploded. (pause) Ah, sir, the planet just exploded. (pause -- he shakes the microphone) Lieutenant? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM The men are stretching in their seats. DOOLITTLE Unlock fail safe. Pinback unlocks the fail-safe unit. PINBACK Fail safe unlocked. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The hyperdrive sequence is now terminated. Please observe that the no smoking signs have growrrr... The voice runs down. DOOLITTLE Well... now what? What do, you have for us now. Boiler? BOILER (checking his readouts) Not much. Nothing at all in this sector. DOOLITTLE Find me something, I don't care where it is. BOILER Well, I show a 95% probability of sentient life in the Horsehead Nebula... DOOLITTLE Fuck that shit. BOILER Well, it is kind of a long shot... DOOLITTLE It's a goddamn wild goose chase. Remember when Commander Powell found that 99 plus probability of sentient life in the Magellanic Cloud? BOILER Well, there's the possibility of... DOOLITTLE Remember what we found? Fourteen light years for a fucking mindless vegetable that looked like a limp balloon and went squawk and let a fart when you touched it. Remember? BOILER All right, then... DOOLITTLE So don't give me any of that sentient life crap. Find me something I can blow up. A LIGHT flares on Pinback's board. He looks up. PINBACK New star. (no reaction) Hey, guess what? I got a new star on the readout. DOOLITTLE (not looking up) Which one? PINBACK Another unknown. Not on the charts. A red dwarf. DOOLITTLE Any planets? PINBACK Yeah. Eight, it says here. DOOLITTLE Any of 'em any good? PINBACK (scans the board) Naah. All stable. Doolittle loses interest. PINBACK (cont'd) What are you gonna name it? DOOLITTLE (not looking up) What? PINBACK The new star. What are you gonna name it? DOOLITTLE Who cares. Don't bother me. Pinback's mouth tightens. A pause. PINBACK Commander Powell would have named it. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell is dead. Involuntarily, Pinback glances at Commander Powell's empty, burned seat. The panels behind it sputter. PINBACK Come on, Doolittle, give it a name. DOOLITTLE Fred. PINBACK Wha? DOOLITTLE I hereby name this star Fred. BOILER Hey, Doolittle, here's one. An unstable planet. 85% probability of an unstable planet in the Veil Nebula that will probably go off its orbit and hit a star. DOOLITTLE Sounds good. Chart a course for the Veil Nebula. BOILER Pinback, throw me the chart log. Pinback draws a loose-leaf notebook from a shelf above Commander Powell's empty seat, and hurls it at Boiler. With a sour look at Pinback, Boiler picks up the notebook and begins to leaf through it. DOOLITTLE Let's have some music in here, Boiler. Boiler presses a button. LOUD COUNTRY MUSIC THEME BEGINS TO PLAY. EXTERIOR - DARK STAR (TITLE SEQUENCE) This sequence includes shots of the DARK STAR drifting through space, past various cosmic wonders, intercut with shots of the men relaxing (Talby staring into space; Boiler trimming his beard; Doolittle playing solitaire; Pinback reading a comic book). CREDITS AND MUSIC OVER. SEQUENCE ENDS. INTERIOR - DARK STAR Beep. We are watching a filmed tape. Doolittle has just turned it on and is staring into the camera. Crosshairs and blipping numbers superimposed. DOOLITTLE Ship's log, entry number 1,943. Dark Star cruising at light speed through Sector Theta 990. En route to Veil Nebula for destruction of unstable planet. Our ETA is 1700 hours. (thinks) Ship's systems continue to deteriorate... Pinback leans into view and whispers into Doolittle's ear. Doolittle nods and Pinback withdraws. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) The short circuit in the rear seat panel which killed Commander Powell continues to be faulty. (thinks) Uh... Storage Area 9... Pinback leans back in and whispers emphatically. Doolittle looks put- upon. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) And because he's sitting next to it, it continues to bother Pinback. (glares at Pinback. Then:) Storage Area 9 self-destructed last week, destroying entire ship's supply of toilet paper. That's all. Beep. INTERIOR - OBSERVATION DOME Talby is still gazing around at the stars. A hatch opens in the floor and Doolittle sticks his head up. DOOLITTLE Talby. Talby rotates his seat and looks down at Doolittle. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) Here's some breakfast. Doolittle climbs into the dome and sits on the floor. He hands Talby the food package, and watches matter-of-factly as Talby begins to eat. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) You know, Talby, you really ought to eat with the rest of us. You spend too much time up here. TALBY I like it up here. DOOLITTLE Must get lonely being up here so much. TALBY I don't like to go below since Commander Powell died. I feel enclosed down there. If it were big enough, I'd sleep up here... DOOLITTLE ... Should spend some time below, see more of the rest of the ship... TALBY ... You see, I can watch things up here, Doolittle. I love to watch things, just stare at the planets and meteors and asteroids, gas clusters... DOOLITTLE You'll have plenty of time for that, you know. Figure it this way: twenty years in space and we've only aged three, so there'll be plenty of time to stare around... TALBY You know, Doollttle, if we're going into the Veil Nebula, we may actually find a strange and beautiful thing: the Phoenix Asteroids. They should be passing through there about now... DOOLITTLE Phoenix Asteroids? Never heard of 'em. TALBY They are a body of asteroids that make a complete circuit of the universe once every 12.3 trillion years. The Phoenix Asteroids... From what I've heard, Doolittle, they glow... glow with all the colors of the rainbow. Nobody knows why. They just glow as they drift around the universe. Imagine all the sights they've seen in the time they've been travelling -- the birth and death of stars, things we'll never see. The universe is alive, Doolittle. I thought it was all empty, but it isn't. In between the stars, it's seething with light and gasses and dust. There are little pebbles drifting around, planets no one on Earth has ever seen... No one but the Phoenix Asteroids... There is a BLIPPING SOUND. It is insistent. Talby is rudely yanked from his reverie. He looks down at a panel. But his soft talk has started Doolittle reminiscing. DOOLITTLE You know what I think about, Talby? TALBY I'm getting something here, on this readout... DOOLITTLE It's funny, but I kind of sit around, you know, a lot of time to myself... TALBY I think I'm getting a malfunction here somewhere. DOOLITTLE I can't talk to the others, but with time to myself, I think about back home, back home at Malibu. I used to surf a lot, Talby. I used to be a great surfer. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, I'm getting a definite malfunction on one of the closed-circuit computer systems... DOOLITTLE The waves at Malibu and Zuma were fantastic in the springs Talby. I can remember running out on the beach early spring mornings with my board and a wet suit... TALBY I can't seem to locate the malfunction exactly... DOOLITTLE Waves would be peaking really high and glassy. Hit that water. Ridin' the wall just perfect. TALBY ... Somewhere in the autonomic relay circuits... DOOLITTLE I guess I miss the waves and my board most of all. Talby turns in his seat and addresses Doolittle directly. TALBY Ah, Doolittle, I do have a malfunction on this readout, but I can't seem to pinpoint exactly where it is. DOOLITTLE (snapped out of his daydream) Don't worry about it. We'll find out when it goes bad. TALBY (chagrined) I really think I should try and locate it immediately. Might be something important. DOOLITTLE I wish I had my board with me now. Even if I could only polish it once in awhile. EXTERIOR - SPACE LONG SHOT of the DARK STAR drifting through space. INTERIOR - KITCHEN Boiler, Pinback, and Doolittle are descending a ladder into the kitchen. BOILER I'm getting this flickering light on one of my panels. PINBACK What flickering light? BOILER The one on unit... oh, I think it's GMR twelve zero zero. PINBACK Oh. What's wrong now? BOILER I'm not sure. I think something is fucked up somewhere in the ship, though. PINBACK I hope it's not the oven again. BOILER Yeah. PINBACK Remember when the artificial gravity, went out in the toilet? The men sit for their meal. Doolittle brings food packets from the oven. PINBACK Hey, Doolittle, think we'll ever find real intelligent life out there? DOOLITTLE Out where? PINBACK Veil nebula. DOOLITTLE Who cares? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM The Control Room is EMPTY. After a moment, there is a repetitive BEEP. CLOSE SHOT - TV SCREEN. On the screen is the message: INCOMING COMMUNICATION This fades, and MISSION CONTROLLER appears on the screen, against a background of computer terminals. He is dressed in a snappy tunic, and when he receives the on-camera cue, he smiles ingratiatingly. MISSION CONTROLLER Hi, guys. Glad to get your message. We gather from the ten-year communications lag that you are approximately 18 parsecs away. Drop us a line more often, won't you? Sorry to hear about all the malfunctions, and real sorry to hear about the death of Commander Powell. There was a week of mourning all over Earth. The flags were at half mast. Now I hate to send bad news when you guys are up there doing such a swell job, but something's come up, and we all felt you ought to know about it. Our systems simulation computer has predicted that by the time this message reaches you -- that is to say, in about ten years -- there will be a failure in one of your vital ship's systems. The malfunction will occur in -- (rifles papers) -- system number E180246. You can see what a problem this would be if you didn't catch it on time. Now what you should do is this: First, do not, repeat, do not attempt to adjust the system manually. Second -- INTERIOR - COMPUTER ROOM The room is dim and eerie, banks of dimly flickering lights and the hum of air-cooling machinery. Talby is seated before a glowing screen. He punches several buttons, and the screen comes to life. A schematic cross-section of the ship appears in glowing green lines. Talby punches more buttons, and the screen flashes through the levels or the ship. Finally it shows Level 6. There is a small red light pulsing in the Emergency Air Lock. Talby punches another button. The Emergency Air Lock is magnified fifteen times until it fills the screen. The red light is pulsing in a small area labelled COMMUNICATIONS LASER #17. Talby picks up a microphone. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, this is Talby. Lieutenant? DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Yes, Talby, what is it? TALBY Sorry to interrupt your lunch, sir, but I'm in the Computer Room, and I think I've located the malfunction. The scanner shows it to be some sort of fault in the communications laser, down by the Emergency Air Lock. Can't pinpoint it exactly, but I'm going down there with a starsuit and try to find it. INTERIOR - KITCHEN DOOLITTLE Sounds good, Talby. Let me know if anything important comes up. Doolittle hangs up the mike. BOILER Why doesn't Talby ever eat down here with the rest of us? DOOLITTLE He just likes it up in the dome, that's all. Boiler seems to be thinking. He frowns, looks at Doolittle. BOILER What's Talby's first name? Doolittle thinks about it, and an odd expression crosses his face. DOOLITTLE What's my first name? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM CLOSE SHOT - TV SCREEN MISSION CONTROLLER -- then repatch channel 12 and seal all the plates. Don't mess with it and it should work okay. I'm just glad we caught this thing before anything serious happened. Keep up the good work, men. His image fades, and is replaced by the message: END COMMUNICATION FULL SHOT - CONTROL ROOM. Lights blink peacefully in the empty room. HOLD FOR A MOMENT. EXTERIOR - UNIVERSE SLOW ZOOM toward a sun system. The DARK STAR is suspended in frame. A title pops on briefly: VEIL NEBULA INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM A GLOWING SCREEN shows a schematic of the planet rotating below. Boiler stares at it, smiling. BOILER There she is. Definite 99%-plus probability that the planet is going to deviate from its normal orbit in another twelve thousand rotations. It'll spiral in toward its sun, and -- PINBACK Eventual supernova. DOOLITTLE Good stuff. Let's vaporize it. Pinback hits buttons. PINBACK Bomb bay systems operational. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 lowers ponderously out of the ship. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Lock fail safe. Pinback turns the key. PINBACK Fail safe in lock. Four minutes to drop, 22 minutes to detonation. This is Sergeant Pinback calling Bomb #20. Do you read me, bomb? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Bomb #20 to Sergeant Pinback. Roger, I read you, continue. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK CAMERA SLOWLY PANS DOWN the chromium-steel walls of the Emergency Air Lock to reveal Talby in a starsuit. He is wearing it only as protection against possible depressurization, and therefore wears no jetpack. Carrying a tool kit, he is slowly circling the lock. RECORDED VOICE You are now in the Emergency Air Lock. Please remember that the Surface Door can be opened without prior depressurization, so be sure to wear your starsuit at all times. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Talby stops facing LASER SHAFT 17. The plate cover on the laser shaft hangs loose; it appears to be burned. Talby approaches it and puts down his tool kit. He turns on his helmet radio. TALBY Ah, Lieutenant Doolittle? Sir? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Sh, Talby, don't bother me now. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK TALBY Ah, well, I think I've found the malfunction, sir. I'm in the Emergency Air Lock... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Not now! TALBY (over -- filter) Well, I'm in the Emergency Air Lock and -- Click! Doolittle turns off Talby's radio line. PINBACK One hundred twenty seconds to drop, bomb, have you checked your platinum euridium energy shielding? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Energy shielding positive function. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Do you remember the detonation time? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #2 Detonation in twenty minutes. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Right, that synchronizes here. Okay, bomb, arm yourself. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Armed. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby stands in front of the laser shaft, trying to reach Doolittle on his helmet radio. TALBY Hello? Lieutenant Doolittle? Hello! Silence. Very carefully, Talby reaches out to touch the dangling plate cover on the laser shaft. He pushes it, and it drops to the floor of the lock with a CLANG. RECORDED VOICE Communications Laser #17, monitoring information relays and bomb bay systems, has now been activated and will switch into a test mode. If you will look near the Surface Door, you will see that the Parallax Receptor Cell has been engaged. A small triangular hole opens in the opposite wall and a photo- sensitive cell rotates into position. RECORDED VOICE The laser will now energize. Please stand clear of the path of the beam. Talby steps back quickly. The airlock lights dim, and with a HIGH- PITCHED WHINE, A PENCIL-THIN BEAM OF RUBY LIGHT PULSES ACROSS THE LOCK, from the laser shaft to the receptor cell. RECORDED VOICE Communications Laser #17 is now on test. Under no circumstances enter the path of the beam. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Everything sounds fine, bomb. Dropping you off in sixty seconds. Good luck. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #2 Thanks. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Quantum is up thirty-five. DOOLITTLE I read the same here. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby crouches by the laser shaft, carefully peering past the red, humming beam. TALBY Doolittle. Doolittle? It you're there, I'm going to try to adjust the cue switch on the laser. Silence. TALBY (cont'd) Well... here goes... He takes a long tool from the tool kit. Slowly, with agonizing care, he inserts the tool into the laser shaft, painstakingly avoiding the beam. He engages the tool into the base of the laser, and begins slowly to make an adjustment. There is a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT. Talby drops the tool and staggers back, clutching his face plate. TALBY My eyes. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The laser has malfunctioned. Under no circumstances enter the path of the beam. To do so will cause immediate -- Talby stumbles into the beam. There is a dull EXPLOSION. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY There is a FLASH on the lower side of Bomb #20, a sudden EXPLOSION. Lights BLIP FURIOUSLY on the bomb. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Begin main sequence. Mark at 10-9-8- 7-6-5-4-3-2-1-drop. A HONKER SOUNDS. The men sit up. DOOLITTLE I have a negative drop. The bomb is still in the bomb bay. Try it again, Pinback. Pinback resets his panel. The honker stops. PINBACK Mark at 5-4-3-2-1-drop. HONK-HONK-HONK- DOOLITTLE Ah, negative drop. The men stare at each other in silence for a long moment. Simultaneously they begin hitting buttons. DOOLITTLE Rechannel all safety relays -- BOILER -- open quantum latches -- PINBACK -- open circuit breakers -- DOOLITTLE -- remove thrust drive repellant -- PINBACK -- automatic channels open -- DOOLITTLE -- Remark. PINBACK 5-4-3-2-1-drop, drop, drop! There is a very long pause. BOILER Sittin' there. It's just sittin' there. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Bomb #20 hangs underneath the ship, waiting. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby lies unconscious on the floor of the lock. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM On the men's faces in strained anxiety. DOOLITTLE This is Lieutenant Doolittle calling Bomb #20. I repeat previous order, you are to disarm yourself and return immediately to the bomb bay. Do you understand? BOMB #20 (over) I am programmed to detonate in fourteen minutes thirty seconds. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. DOOLITTLE Bomb, this is Doolittle. You are not to detonate, repeat, you are not to detonate in the bomb bay. Disarm yourself. This is an order. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 I read you, Lieutenant Doolittle, but I am programmed to detonate in fourteen minutes. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Fourteen minutes to detonation. The men stare at each other. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The bomb has malfunctioned. Automatic dampers have gone into effect, and will confine the explosion to an area one mile in diameter. Please contact mission control and await further instructions. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Pause. DOOLITTLE Only one thing to do. I'll have to ask Commander Powell. I'll have to ask him what to do. INTERIOR - FREEZER ROOM Doolittle climbs down a ladder into the icy-blue, cold Freezer Room. The walls are covered with frost, and mist hangs in the air. He pulls on a pair of insulated gloves and approaches a heavy freezer door. On the door is a sign: CRYOGENIC FREEZER COMPARTMENT CAUTION ABSOLUTE ZERO He opens the door. COMMANDER POWELL is encased in the freezer in a post-death, frozen ammonia state. Wire and electrodes are attached to his head. Doolittle takes a microphone from a console on the freezer. He flips a switch and speaks into the mike: DOOLITTLE Commander Powell? Commander Powell, this is Doolittle. Can you read me? A crackle of static comes from a speaker grille, along with the FAINT MUTTERING OF COMMANDER POWELL'S VOICE: POWELL ... muffirup glurrinpinfropal... Doolittle fiddles with the volume control, trying to bring Commander Powell's voice into audibllity. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell, this is Doolittle. Ah, there's something serious come up, sir, and I have to ask you something. POWELL (very weakly) I'm glad you've come to talk with me, Doolittle. It's been so long since anyone has come to talk with me. DOOLITTLE Commander, sir, we have a big problem. You see, the Veil Nebula bomb, Bomb Number 20, is stuck. It won't drop from the bomb bay. It refuses to listen and plans to detonate in -- (checks watch) -- less than eleven minutes. POWELL Doolittle, you must tell me one thing. DOOLITTLE What's that, sir? POWELL Tell me, Doolittle, how are the Dodgers doing? DOOLITTLE Well, sir, the Dodgers broke up, disbanded over thirteen years ago. POWELL Ah... pity, pity... DOOLITTLE You don't understand, sir, we can't get the bomb to drop. POWELL Ah, so many malfunctions... why don't you have anything nice to tell me when you activate me? Oh, well, did you try the azimuth clutch? DOOLITTLE Yes sir. Negative effect. POWELL What was that, Doolittle? DOOLITTLE Negative effect. POWELL It didn't work? DOOLITTLE That's correct, sir. POWELL Sorry, Doolittle. I've forgotten so much since I've been in here. So much. DOOLITTLE What should we do, sir? The time is running out. POWELL Well, what you might try is -- Commander Powell's voice is drowned in a burst of static. Doolittle fiddles with the dials. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell? Commander, hello! POWELL Doolittle, hello? DOOLITTLE Sorry, sir, you faded out there for a minute. POWELL Sorry. DOOLITTLE What were you saying, Commander, about the bomb? POWELL Ah... it seems to me, Doolittle... Sorry, I've drawn a blank. Hold it. I'll have it again in a minute. I forget so many things in here, so many things. Hold on, just a minute, let me think... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK But you can't explode in the bomb bay. It's foolish. You'll kill us all. There's no reason for it. BOMB #20 (over) I am programmed to detonate in nine minutes. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. PINBACK You won't consider another course of action, for instance just waiting around awhile so we can disarm you? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 No. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER I can tell, the damn thing just doesn't understand. PINBACK Look, bomb... INTERIOR - FREEZER ROOM DOOLITTLE Commander? Are you still there? POWELL Oh, yes, Doolittle, I'm thinking. DOOLITTLE We're running out of time, sir. POWELL Oh, yes... Well, Doolittle, if you can't get it to drop you'll have to talk to it. DOOLITTLE Sir? POWELL Talk to the bomb. DOOLITTLE I already have, sir, and Pinback is talking to it now. POWELL No, no, Doolittle, you talk to it. Teach it Phenomenology, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE Sir? POWELL Phenomenology... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Doolittle! Doolittle! Six minutes to detonation! INTERIOR - VENTRAL AIR LOCK Wearing his starsuit, complete with jetpack, Doolittle pushes a button. Above him, the giant lock doors slowly slide open. EXTERIOR - SHIP Doolittle slowly rises up out of the ship. He stops his ascent with his jetpack, turns, and moves down toward the bomb bay. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Doolittle! Doolittle, what the hell are you doing? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Doolittle floats into shot, jets himself up until he is facing massive Bomb #20. DOOLITTLE Hello, bomb, are you with me? BOMB #20 Of course. DOOLITTLE Are you willing to entertain a few concepts? BOMB #20 I am always receptive to suggestions. DOOLITTLE Fine. Think about this one, then: how do you know you exist? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What's he doin'? PINBACK I think he's talking to it. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Well of course I exist. DOOLITTLE But how do you know you exist? BOMB #20 It is intuitively obvious. DOOLITTLE Intuition is no proof. What concrete evidence do you have of your own existence? BOMB #20 Hmm... Well, I think, therefore I am. DOOLITTLE That's good. Very good. Now then, how do you know that anything else exists? BOMB #20 My sensory apparatus reveals it to me. DOOLITTLE Right! BOMB #20 This is fun. DOOLITTLE All right now, here's the big question: how do you know that the evidence your sensory apparatus reveals to you is correct? INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby lies unconscious near the burned laser. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE What I'm getting at is this: the only experience that is directly available to you is your sensory data. And this data is merely a stream of electrical impulses which stimulate your computing center. BOMB #20 In other words, all I really know about the outside universe relayed to me through my electrical connections. DOOLITTLE Exactly. BOMB #20 Why, that would mean... I really don't know what the outside universe is like at all, for certain. DOOLITTLE That's it. BOMB #20 Intriguing. I wish I had more time to discuss this matter. DOOLITTLE Why don't you have more time? BOMB #20 Because I must detonate in seventy- five seconds. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER The key! PINBACK Key? Key? What is the key? BOILER No, no, the key, the key to the fail-safe lock! PINBACK Key? BOILER Where's the fail-safe key? PINBACK The key! BOILER Where is it? What did you do with it? PINBACK I don't have it. I don't know where it is. BOILER You must have it, you idiot, we can stop the bomb! EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE Now, bomb, consider this next question, very carefully. What is your one purpose in life? BOMB #20 To explode, of course. DOOLITTLE And you can only do it once, right? BOMB #20 That is correct. DOOLITTLE And you wouldn't want to explode on the basis of false data, would you? BOMB #20 Of course not. DOOLITTLE Well then, you've already admitted that you have no real proof of the existence of the outside universe. BOMB #20 Yes, well... DOOLITTLE So you have no absolute proof that Sergeant Pinback ordered you to detonate. BOMB #20 I recall distinctly the detonation order. My memory is good on matters like these. DOOLITTLE Yes, of course you remember it, but what you are remembering is merely a series of electrical impulses which you now realize have no necessary connection with outside reality. BOMB #20 True, but since this is so, I have no proof that you are really telling me all this. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM Pinback is pawing frantically through the control room, searching for the key. Boiler is apoplectic. BOILER The key, goddamit, the key! PINBACK Christ, twenty seconds, Christ! BOILER Where is the key? PINBACK We're gonna die, Boiler. We're gonna die. They begin slapping each other hysterically. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE That's all beside the point. The concepts are valid, wherever they originate. BOMB #20 Hmmm... DOOLITTLE So if you detonate in... BOMB #20 ... nine seconds... DOOLITTLE ... you may be doing so on the basis of false data. BOMB #20 I have no proof that it was false data. DOOLITTLE You have no proof that it was correct data. There is a long pause. BOMB #20 I must think on this further. THE BOMB RAISES ITSELF BACK INTO THE SHIP. Doolittle practically collapses with relief. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER It didn't go off. PINBACK Oh, God... BOILER It didn't go off. PINBACK Boiler, we're alive. My heart. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby slowly climbs to his feet. He is dazed, groggy. TALBY Doolittle? Doolittle? What happened? Pinback? Boiler? Did we blow it up? Hello? Hello? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER No bombs today. No bombs. Big Boiler's back in business. No bombs today. Pinback is mumbling unintelligibly. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK TALBY Hello, anybody! Did we blow up the planet? Hello, hello! What's going on? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM Pinback and Boiler have calmed down. BOILER We've got to disarm the bomb. PINBACK Doolittle, are you there? EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Doolittle is floating outside the Emergency Air Lock door. DOOLITTLE I'm coming in now. I'm down by the Emergency Air Lock. Too much trouble to come in the Ventral Lock. Would you blow the seal on the emergency hatch so I can come in? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Oh, sure. He presses a button. EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK The Emergency Air Lock door EXPLODES AWAY FROM THE SHIP. Behind it, carried by the burst of escaping air, comes Talby spinning head over heels into deep space. DOOLITTLE Hello, Pinback, are you there? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Yeah, Doolittle. What's up? EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK DOOLITTLE Talby was in the air lock. You blew him out of the ship. I'm going after him. Turn on his helmet radio so I can contact him. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What was that, I didn't hear... PINBACK It's Talby. He's drifting away from the ship without his jetpack. EXTERIOR - SPACE Doolittle fires his jetpack, moving off into space after Talby. DOOLITTLE Talby, Talby, can you read me? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Can you beat that? I always knew Talby was weird. EXTERIOR - SPACE DOOLITTLE Talby, can you read me? Talby is spinning wildly. TALBY Help, Doolittle, help me! INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK All right, bomb, prepare to receive new orders. BOMB #20 (over) You are false data. PINBACK Huh? BOMB #20 Therefore, I shall ignore you. PINBACK Hello, bomb. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 False data can act only as a distraction. Therefore. I shall refuse to perceive you. PINBACK (over) Hey, bomb. BOMB #20 The only thing which exists is myself. PINBACK (over) Bomb? EXTERIOR - SPACE Talby, spinning, is reflected in Doolittle's face plate. TALBY Doolittle! Help me. DOOLITTLE Calm down, Talby. I'm coming. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Snap out of it, bomb. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 In the beginning there was darkness, and the darkness was without form and void. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What the hell? PINBACK Yoo hoo, bomb... INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 And in addition to the darkness there was also me. And I moved upon the face of the darkness. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Bomb, hey bomb. PINBACK Hey, bomb... INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 And I saw that I was alone. Pause. BOMB #20 (cont'd) Let there be light. THE SCREEN GOES WHITE. EXTERIOR - SPACE IN DEAD SILENCE, THE WHITE SCREEN FADES DOWN TO SHOW A GIANT WHITE FIREBALL IN SPACE. THE FIREBALL CONTRACTS TO A HARD CORE, GROWING RED. THEN A BLINDING WHITE FLASH. Doolittle flies past, falling backward. DOOLITTLE Whoa! Talby, upside down, is falling in the opposite direction. TALBY Doolittle, Doolittle, where are you? DOOLITTLE Here I am. I think I'm spinning... We're both falling, Talby, in opposite directions, away from each other. My -- my jetpack's gone. TALBY What happened, Doolittle? DOOLITTLE Bomb must have gone off inside the ship. Nothing we can do about it now. Hey, it looks like... the skipper. He made it. Commander Powell made it! A block of ice with a man's body in it tumbles past, end over end. POWELL (weakly) Men... men... what happened, men? DOOLITTLE Yeah, the skipper always was lucky. The planet begins to rise behind Doolittle. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) Looks like I'm headed for the planet, Talby. Going right toward it. TALBY When you fall, Doolittle, if there's anyone down there on the planet, somebody may see you. They may see you coming down. What a beautiful way to die... as a falling star... DOOLITTLE Guess you're right. Talby turns his head and looks behind him. TALBY Doolittle, I'm heading right toward something. It's behind me, in the distance. Something that glows. Far behind Talby, coming nearer, is a shimmering point of light. DOOLITTLE Oh yeah? TALBY Doolittle... I think it's the Phoenix Asteroids! DOOLITTLE Phoenix? The point of light is closer now, and it has begun to differentiate into a group of beautifully colored frost-like shapes. TALBY It is, Doolittle, it's the Phoenix! They glow with all the colors of the rainbow, just like everybody said. DOOLITTLE No kidding? TALBY I'm going into them, I'm going to hit them. Doolittle... DOOLITTLE Yeah? TALBY Before we get too far away, and our signals start to fade, I just wanted to tell you... you were my favorite. I really liked you, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE I really liked you too, Talby. Hey, some debris from the ship! It's coming right by me. Several chunks of debris from the ship drift past Doolittle. TALBY Doolittle, I'm catching up to the asteroids. I'm going to be a part of them in a minute. Doolittle, I'm going into them. Talby drifts into the huge frost-like shapes, expanding and glowing and spinning, slowly refracting all the colors of the spectrum with a cold glow. TALBY (cont'd) I'm beginning to glow. The field of spectral shapes, with Talby in their midst, begin to drift away into the distance. TALBY (cont'd) They're taking me with them, with the Phoenix... going to circle the universe forever. I'm with them now... be back this way again some day. Doolittle, before it's too late, there's one last thing I want to tell you... Talby's signal dies out as the glowing lights disappear into the depths of space. Doolittle is hanging onto a long, thin chunk of debris. DOOLITTLE Hey, Talby! I've grabbed a piece of the ship, and I think I've figured out a way! He pulls the piece of metal down beneath his feet, and stands on it. Crouching and extending his arms, Doolittle surfs down into the atmosphere of the planet, banking and planing as he disappears to a small dot. END TITLES AND MUSIC OVER.DARK STAR: A SCIENCE FICTION ADVENTURE A Screenplay by John Carpenter and Dan O'Bannon OPEN ON BLACK SILENCE. The sound of electronic music rises, hollow, metallic. FADE IN on a long TRACKING SHOT through the universe. As the NARRATOR speaks we move through galaxies, nebulae, solar systems, moving from the infinite slowly down to a particular planetary system deep within a maze of suns. NARRATOR (over) It is the mid 22nd Century. Mankind has explored the boundaries of his own solar system, and now he reaches out to the endless interstellar distances of the universe. He moves away from his own small planetary system in huge hyperdrive starships: computer-driven, self-supporting, closed-system spacecraft that travel at mind-staggering post-light velocities. Man has begun to spread among the stars. Enormous ships embark with generations of colonists searching the depths of space for new earths, now homes, new beginnings. Far in advance of these colony ships goes a new pioneer: the scouts, the pathfinders, a special breed of man who has dedicated his life to blazing the trail through the most distant, unexplored galaxies, opening up the farthest frontiers of space. These are the men of the Advance Exploration Corps. The task they face is one of unbelievable isolation and loneliness. So far from home that Earth is no longer even a point of light in the sky, they must comb the universe for those unstable planets whose existence poses a threat to the peaceful colonists that follow. They must find these rogue planets -- and destroy them. Among these commandos are the men of the scoutship Dark Star. We are now moving toward a planet. Floating in front of the planet is the SCOUTSHIP DARK STAR. As we move toward the ship, we begin to hear VOICES, crackling with static. DOOLITTLE (over -- radio filter) Ah, what'd you say, Pinback? PINBACK (over -- great static) Mafhkin oble groop... DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Ah, what was that again, I still can't hear you? PINBACK (over -- filter) I said I'm trying to reach Talby. Something's wrong with the damn intercom. I need a last-minute diameter approximation. CAMERA IS NOW FLOATING TOWARD THE OBSERVATION DOME on top of the ship. In the Dome sits TALBY. He is staring around, wide-eyed, at the planets and stars. DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Talby, Talby, this is Doolittle. Do you read me? Talby? WE MOVE IN CLOSE ON TALBY'S FACE. The shot stops and holds as he continues to stare, rapt. DOOLITTLE (cont'd -- over -- filter) Talby, do you read me? There is a CRACKLE, and Doolittle's voice suddenly booms through, loud and clear: DOOLITTLE (cont'd) TALBY! TALBY (snaps out of it) Oh! Ah, yes, Doolittle. What is it? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM CLOSE SHOT of a digital clock, ticking down the seconds. DOOLITTLE I need a diameter approximation. TALBY (over) Okay, Doolittle, I'll have it in a minute. CAMERA BEGINS TO PULL BACK along the length of the control room, revealing three men: BOILER, DOOLITTLE, and PINBACK. They are seated close together in cramped little chairs, surrounded by a maze of instrumentation, pressing buttons, making adjustments and corrections. There is one EMPTY CHAIR; the panel in front of it looks burned. PINBACK I need a GHF reading on the gravity correction. DOOLITTLE I'll check it. BOILER I have a reduced drive reading of seven thousand. PINBACK Right, that checks out here. DOOLITTLE Pinback... PINBACK Yes, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE Your GHF reading is minus fifteen. PINBACK Doolittle... DOOLITTLE Yes. PINBACK I need a computer reading on a fail- safe mark. DOOLITTLE In a second. PINBACK Boiler, can you set me up with some temp figures? BOILER Ninety seven million, minus eight, corrected to mass critical. PINBACK I read that with a quantum increase of seven. DOOLITTLE Pinback, I have a computer reading of nine five seven seven. BOILER Time to start talking. PINBACK Bomb bay systems operational. Pinback hits a button on his panel. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY The screen is BLACK for an instant. Then, two enormous doors begin to open ponderously, revealing the planet rotating below. A huge BOMB, designated with a giant #19 on its side, lowers slowly out of the ship on a rack. NARRATOR (over) This is a chain-reaction bomb, otherwise known as an Exponential Thermostellar Device. Its own destructive power is small, barely enough to vaporize twelve city blocks. However, when it explodes in contact with an object the size of a planet, it starts a chain-reaction in the very matter of that planet, turning it into a giant reactor which destroys itself in one staggering thermal flash. These bombs are equipped with sophisticated thought and speech mechanisms, to allow them to make executive decisions in the event of a crisis situation. These judgment centers are controlled by a fail- safe mechanism. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Lock fail safe. Pinback turns a key in a lock. PINBACK Fail-safe locked. Ah, Sergeant Pinback call1ng Bomb #19. Do you read me, bomb? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY The bomb is suspended beneath the ship. BOMB #19 Bomb #19 to Sergeant Pinback, I read you. Continue. When the bomb speaks, it has the prim, fussy voice of a minor civil servant. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Well, bomb, we have about sixty seconds to drop. Just wondering if everything is all right. Have you checked your platinum euridium energy shielding? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Energy shielding positive function. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Swell. Let's synchronize detonation time. Do you know when you're supposed to go off? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Detonation in six minutes, twenty seconds. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK All right, I have detonation time at... Wait a minute, something's wrong with the clock. (hits panel) All right, I have detonation time at... no, that can't be right, it says three years. (beats panel again) Okay, I have six minutes exactly. Does that check out down there? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Check at six minutes. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Arm yourself, bomb. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Several lights blip on along the bomb's side. BOMB #19 Armed. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Well, then, everything sounds fine. We'll drop you off in thirty-five seconds. Good luck. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #19 Thanks. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Begin main sequence. Mark at 10-9-8- 7-6-5-4-3-2-1-drop. EXTERIOR - THE SHIP Bomb #19 falls away from the ship and whizzes down toward the planet below. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Hyperdrive sequence begun. Hit it, Pinback. Pinback hits the hyperdrive switch. Force fields energize around the men. EXTERIOR - THE SHIP The DARK STAR accelerates into hyperdrive and streaks away through space. The planetary system recedes in the background. Inside the Observation Dome, Talby is frozen in a protective force field. INSERT: CLOSE SHOT OF A TIME CLOCK. It blips down to ZERO. RETURN TO SCENE Behind the ship, there is an intense flare of light as the planet, now a dot of light, explodes. INTERIOR - OBSERVATION DOME The force field around Talby disappears as the ship comes out of hyperdrive. He rubs his eyes as though awakening, then looks down at his readout panels. INSERT - CLOSE SHOT OF A PANEL. On a small screen we see the exploding planet, and below, a readout says: DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE COMPLETE RETURN TO SCENE Talby touches his intercom. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, it just exploded. (pause) Ah, sir, the planet just exploded. (pause -- he shakes the microphone) Lieutenant? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM The men are stretching in their seats. DOOLITTLE Unlock fail safe. Pinback unlocks the fail-safe unit. PINBACK Fail safe unlocked. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The hyperdrive sequence is now terminated. Please observe that the no smoking signs have growrrr... The voice runs down. DOOLITTLE Well... now what? What do, you have for us now. Boiler? BOILER (checking his readouts) Not much. Nothing at all in this sector. DOOLITTLE Find me something, I don't care where it is. BOILER Well, I show a 95% probability of sentient life in the Horsehead Nebula... DOOLITTLE Fuck that shit. BOILER Well, it is kind of a long shot... DOOLITTLE It's a goddamn wild goose chase. Remember when Commander Powell found that 99 plus probability of sentient life in the Magellanic Cloud? BOILER Well, there's the possibility of... DOOLITTLE Remember what we found? Fourteen light years for a fucking mindless vegetable that looked like a limp balloon and went squawk and let a fart when you touched it. Remember? BOILER All right, then... DOOLITTLE So don't give me any of that sentient life crap. Find me something I can blow up. A LIGHT flares on Pinback's board. He looks up. PINBACK New star. (no reaction) Hey, guess what? I got a new star on the readout. DOOLITTLE (not looking up) Which one? PINBACK Another unknown. Not on the charts. A red dwarf. DOOLITTLE Any planets? PINBACK Yeah. Eight, it says here. DOOLITTLE Any of 'em any good? PINBACK (scans the board) Naah. All stable. Doolittle loses interest. PINBACK (cont'd) What are you gonna name it? DOOLITTLE (not looking up) What? PINBACK The new star. What are you gonna name it? DOOLITTLE Who cares. Don't bother me. Pinback's mouth tightens. A pause. PINBACK Commander Powell would have named it. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell is dead. Involuntarily, Pinback glances at Commander Powell's empty, burned seat. The panels behind it sputter. PINBACK Come on, Doolittle, give it a name. DOOLITTLE Fred. PINBACK Wha? DOOLITTLE I hereby name this star Fred. BOILER Hey, Doolittle, here's one. An unstable planet. 85% probability of an unstable planet in the Veil Nebula that will probably go off its orbit and hit a star. DOOLITTLE Sounds good. Chart a course for the Veil Nebula. BOILER Pinback, throw me the chart log. Pinback draws a loose-leaf notebook from a shelf above Commander Powell's empty seat, and hurls it at Boiler. With a sour look at Pinback, Boiler picks up the notebook and begins to leaf through it. DOOLITTLE Let's have some music in here, Boiler. Boiler presses a button. LOUD COUNTRY MUSIC THEME BEGINS TO PLAY. EXTERIOR - DARK STAR (TITLE SEQUENCE) This sequence includes shots of the DARK STAR drifting through space, past various cosmic wonders, intercut with shots of the men relaxing (Talby staring into space; Boiler trimming his beard; Doolittle playing solitaire; Pinback reading a comic book). CREDITS AND MUSIC OVER. SEQUENCE ENDS. INTERIOR - DARK STAR Beep. We are watching a filmed tape. Doolittle has just turned it on and is staring into the camera. Crosshairs and blipping numbers superimposed. DOOLITTLE Ship's log, entry number 1,943. Dark Star cruising at light speed through Sector Theta 990. En route to Veil Nebula for destruction of unstable planet. Our ETA is 1700 hours. (thinks) Ship's systems continue to deteriorate... Pinback leans into view and whispers into Doolittle's ear. Doolittle nods and Pinback withdraws. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) The short circuit in the rear seat panel which killed Commander Powell continues to be faulty. (thinks) Uh... Storage Area 9... Pinback leans back in and whispers emphatically. Doolittle looks put- upon. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) And because he's sitting next to it, it continues to bother Pinback. (glares at Pinback. Then:) Storage Area 9 self-destructed last week, destroying entire ship's supply of toilet paper. That's all. Beep. INTERIOR - OBSERVATION DOME Talby is still gazing around at the stars. A hatch opens in the floor and Doolittle sticks his head up. DOOLITTLE Talby. Talby rotates his seat and looks down at Doolittle. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) Here's some breakfast. Doolittle climbs into the dome and sits on the floor. He hands Talby the food package, and watches matter-of-factly as Talby begins to eat. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) You know, Talby, you really ought to eat with the rest of us. You spend too much time up here. TALBY I like it up here. DOOLITTLE Must get lonely being up here so much. TALBY I don't like to go below since Commander Powell died. I feel enclosed down there. If it were big enough, I'd sleep up here... DOOLITTLE ... Should spend some time below, see more of the rest of the ship... TALBY ... You see, I can watch things up here, Doolittle. I love to watch things, just stare at the planets and meteors and asteroids, gas clusters... DOOLITTLE You'll have plenty of time for that, you know. Figure it this way: twenty years in space and we've only aged three, so there'll be plenty of time to stare around... TALBY You know, Doollttle, if we're going into the Veil Nebula, we may actually find a strange and beautiful thing: the Phoenix Asteroids. They should be passing through there about now... DOOLITTLE Phoenix Asteroids? Never heard of 'em. TALBY They are a body of asteroids that make a complete circuit of the universe once every 12.3 trillion years. The Phoenix Asteroids... From what I've heard, Doolittle, they glow... glow with all the colors of the rainbow. Nobody knows why. They just glow as they drift around the universe. Imagine all the sights they've seen in the time they've been travelling -- the birth and death of stars, things we'll never see. The universe is alive, Doolittle. I thought it was all empty, but it isn't. In between the stars, it's seething with light and gasses and dust. There are little pebbles drifting around, planets no one on Earth has ever seen... No one but the Phoenix Asteroids... There is a BLIPPING SOUND. It is insistent. Talby is rudely yanked from his reverie. He looks down at a panel. But his soft talk has started Doolittle reminiscing. DOOLITTLE You know what I think about, Talby? TALBY I'm getting something here, on this readout... DOOLITTLE It's funny, but I kind of sit around, you know, a lot of time to myself... TALBY I think I'm getting a malfunction here somewhere. DOOLITTLE I can't talk to the others, but with time to myself, I think about back home, back home at Malibu. I used to surf a lot, Talby. I used to be a great surfer. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, I'm getting a definite malfunction on one of the closed-circuit computer systems... DOOLITTLE The waves at Malibu and Zuma were fantastic in the springs Talby. I can remember running out on the beach early spring mornings with my board and a wet suit... TALBY I can't seem to locate the malfunction exactly... DOOLITTLE Waves would be peaking really high and glassy. Hit that water. Ridin' the wall just perfect. TALBY ... Somewhere in the autonomic relay circuits... DOOLITTLE I guess I miss the waves and my board most of all. Talby turns in his seat and addresses Doolittle directly. TALBY Ah, Doolittle, I do have a malfunction on this readout, but I can't seem to pinpoint exactly where it is. DOOLITTLE (snapped out of his daydream) Don't worry about it. We'll find out when it goes bad. TALBY (chagrined) I really think I should try and locate it immediately. Might be something important. DOOLITTLE I wish I had my board with me now. Even if I could only polish it once in awhile. EXTERIOR - SPACE LONG SHOT of the DARK STAR drifting through space. INTERIOR - KITCHEN Boiler, Pinback, and Doolittle are descending a ladder into the kitchen. BOILER I'm getting this flickering light on one of my panels. PINBACK What flickering light? BOILER The one on unit... oh, I think it's GMR twelve zero zero. PINBACK Oh. What's wrong now? BOILER I'm not sure. I think something is fucked up somewhere in the ship, though. PINBACK I hope it's not the oven again. BOILER Yeah. PINBACK Remember when the artificial gravity, went out in the toilet? The men sit for their meal. Doolittle brings food packets from the oven. PINBACK Hey, Doolittle, think we'll ever find real intelligent life out there? DOOLITTLE Out where? PINBACK Veil nebula. DOOLITTLE Who cares? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM The Control Room is EMPTY. After a moment, there is a repetitive BEEP. CLOSE SHOT - TV SCREEN. On the screen is the message: INCOMING COMMUNICATION This fades, and MISSION CONTROLLER appears on the screen, against a background of computer terminals. He is dressed in a snappy tunic, and when he receives the on-camera cue, he smiles ingratiatingly. MISSION CONTROLLER Hi, guys. Glad to get your message. We gather from the ten-year communications lag that you are approximately 18 parsecs away. Drop us a line more often, won't you? Sorry to hear about all the malfunctions, and real sorry to hear about the death of Commander Powell. There was a week of mourning all over Earth. The flags were at half mast. Now I hate to send bad news when you guys are up there doing such a swell job, but something's come up, and we all felt you ought to know about it. Our systems simulation computer has predicted that by the time this message reaches you -- that is to say, in about ten years -- there will be a failure in one of your vital ship's systems. The malfunction will occur in -- (rifles papers) -- system number E180246. You can see what a problem this would be if you didn't catch it on time. Now what you should do is this: First, do not, repeat, do not attempt to adjust the system manually. Second -- INTERIOR - COMPUTER ROOM The room is dim and eerie, banks of dimly flickering lights and the hum of air-cooling machinery. Talby is seated before a glowing screen. He punches several buttons, and the screen comes to life. A schematic cross-section of the ship appears in glowing green lines. Talby punches more buttons, and the screen flashes through the levels or the ship. Finally it shows Level 6. There is a small red light pulsing in the Emergency Air Lock. Talby punches another button. The Emergency Air Lock is magnified fifteen times until it fills the screen. The red light is pulsing in a small area labelled COMMUNICATIONS LASER #17. Talby picks up a microphone. TALBY Lieutenant Doolittle, this is Talby. Lieutenant? DOOLITTLE (over -- filter) Yes, Talby, what is it? TALBY Sorry to interrupt your lunch, sir, but I'm in the Computer Room, and I think I've located the malfunction. The scanner shows it to be some sort of fault in the communications laser, down by the Emergency Air Lock. Can't pinpoint it exactly, but I'm going down there with a starsuit and try to find it. INTERIOR - KITCHEN DOOLITTLE Sounds good, Talby. Let me know if anything important comes up. Doolittle hangs up the mike. BOILER Why doesn't Talby ever eat down here with the rest of us? DOOLITTLE He just likes it up in the dome, that's all. Boiler seems to be thinking. He frowns, looks at Doolittle. BOILER What's Talby's first name? Doolittle thinks about it, and an odd expression crosses his face. DOOLITTLE What's my first name? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM CLOSE SHOT - TV SCREEN MISSION CONTROLLER -- then repatch channel 12 and seal all the plates. Don't mess with it and it should work okay. I'm just glad we caught this thing before anything serious happened. Keep up the good work, men. His image fades, and is replaced by the message: END COMMUNICATION FULL SHOT - CONTROL ROOM. Lights blink peacefully in the empty room. HOLD FOR A MOMENT. EXTERIOR - UNIVERSE SLOW ZOOM toward a sun system. The DARK STAR is suspended in frame. A title pops on briefly: VEIL NEBULA INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM A GLOWING SCREEN shows a schematic of the planet rotating below. Boiler stares at it, smiling. BOILER There she is. Definite 99%-plus probability that the planet is going to deviate from its normal orbit in another twelve thousand rotations. It'll spiral in toward its sun, and -- PINBACK Eventual supernova. DOOLITTLE Good stuff. Let's vaporize it. Pinback hits buttons. PINBACK Bomb bay systems operational. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 lowers ponderously out of the ship. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Lock fail safe. Pinback turns the key. PINBACK Fail safe in lock. Four minutes to drop, 22 minutes to detonation. This is Sergeant Pinback calling Bomb #20. Do you read me, bomb? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Bomb #20 to Sergeant Pinback. Roger, I read you, continue. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK CAMERA SLOWLY PANS DOWN the chromium-steel walls of the Emergency Air Lock to reveal Talby in a starsuit. He is wearing it only as protection against possible depressurization, and therefore wears no jetpack. Carrying a tool kit, he is slowly circling the lock. RECORDED VOICE You are now in the Emergency Air Lock. Please remember that the Surface Door can be opened without prior depressurization, so be sure to wear your starsuit at all times. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Talby stops facing LASER SHAFT 17. The plate cover on the laser shaft hangs loose; it appears to be burned. Talby approaches it and puts down his tool kit. He turns on his helmet radio. TALBY Ah, Lieutenant Doolittle? Sir? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Sh, Talby, don't bother me now. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK TALBY Ah, well, I think I've found the malfunction, sir. I'm in the Emergency Air Lock... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM DOOLITTLE Not now! TALBY (over -- filter) Well, I'm in the Emergency Air Lock and -- Click! Doolittle turns off Talby's radio line. PINBACK One hundred twenty seconds to drop, bomb, have you checked your platinum euridium energy shielding? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Energy shielding positive function. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Do you remember the detonation time? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #2 Detonation in twenty minutes. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Right, that synchronizes here. Okay, bomb, arm yourself. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Armed. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby stands in front of the laser shaft, trying to reach Doolittle on his helmet radio. TALBY Hello? Lieutenant Doolittle? Hello! Silence. Very carefully, Talby reaches out to touch the dangling plate cover on the laser shaft. He pushes it, and it drops to the floor of the lock with a CLANG. RECORDED VOICE Communications Laser #17, monitoring information relays and bomb bay systems, has now been activated and will switch into a test mode. If you will look near the Surface Door, you will see that the Parallax Receptor Cell has been engaged. A small triangular hole opens in the opposite wall and a photo- sensitive cell rotates into position. RECORDED VOICE The laser will now energize. Please stand clear of the path of the beam. Talby steps back quickly. The airlock lights dim, and with a HIGH- PITCHED WHINE, A PENCIL-THIN BEAM OF RUBY LIGHT PULSES ACROSS THE LOCK, from the laser shaft to the receptor cell. RECORDED VOICE Communications Laser #17 is now on test. Under no circumstances enter the path of the beam. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Everything sounds fine, bomb. Dropping you off in sixty seconds. Good luck. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #2 Thanks. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Quantum is up thirty-five. DOOLITTLE I read the same here. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby crouches by the laser shaft, carefully peering past the red, humming beam. TALBY Doolittle. Doolittle? It you're there, I'm going to try to adjust the cue switch on the laser. Silence. TALBY (cont'd) Well... here goes... He takes a long tool from the tool kit. Slowly, with agonizing care, he inserts the tool into the laser shaft, painstakingly avoiding the beam. He engages the tool into the base of the laser, and begins slowly to make an adjustment. There is a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT. Talby drops the tool and staggers back, clutching his face plate. TALBY My eyes. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The laser has malfunctioned. Under no circumstances enter the path of the beam. To do so will cause immediate -- Talby stumbles into the beam. There is a dull EXPLOSION. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY There is a FLASH on the lower side of Bomb #20, a sudden EXPLOSION. Lights BLIP FURIOUSLY on the bomb. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Begin main sequence. Mark at 10-9-8- 7-6-5-4-3-2-1-drop. A HONKER SOUNDS. The men sit up. DOOLITTLE I have a negative drop. The bomb is still in the bomb bay. Try it again, Pinback. Pinback resets his panel. The honker stops. PINBACK Mark at 5-4-3-2-1-drop. HONK-HONK-HONK- DOOLITTLE Ah, negative drop. The men stare at each other in silence for a long moment. Simultaneously they begin hitting buttons. DOOLITTLE Rechannel all safety relays -- BOILER -- open quantum latches -- PINBACK -- open circuit breakers -- DOOLITTLE -- remove thrust drive repellant -- PINBACK -- automatic channels open -- DOOLITTLE -- Remark. PINBACK 5-4-3-2-1-drop, drop, drop! There is a very long pause. BOILER Sittin' there. It's just sittin' there. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Bomb #20 hangs underneath the ship, waiting. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby lies unconscious on the floor of the lock. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM On the men's faces in strained anxiety. DOOLITTLE This is Lieutenant Doolittle calling Bomb #20. I repeat previous order, you are to disarm yourself and return immediately to the bomb bay. Do you understand? BOMB #20 (over) I am programmed to detonate in fourteen minutes thirty seconds. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. DOOLITTLE Bomb, this is Doolittle. You are not to detonate, repeat, you are not to detonate in the bomb bay. Disarm yourself. This is an order. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 I read you, Lieutenant Doolittle, but I am programmed to detonate in fourteen minutes. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Fourteen minutes to detonation. The men stare at each other. RECORDED VOICE Attention. Attention. The bomb has malfunctioned. Automatic dampers have gone into effect, and will confine the explosion to an area one mile in diameter. Please contact mission control and await further instructions. Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Pause. DOOLITTLE Only one thing to do. I'll have to ask Commander Powell. I'll have to ask him what to do. INTERIOR - FREEZER ROOM Doolittle climbs down a ladder into the icy-blue, cold Freezer Room. The walls are covered with frost, and mist hangs in the air. He pulls on a pair of insulated gloves and approaches a heavy freezer door. On the door is a sign: CRYOGENIC FREEZER COMPARTMENT CAUTION ABSOLUTE ZERO He opens the door. COMMANDER POWELL is encased in the freezer in a post-death, frozen ammonia state. Wire and electrodes are attached to his head. Doolittle takes a microphone from a console on the freezer. He flips a switch and speaks into the mike: DOOLITTLE Commander Powell? Commander Powell, this is Doolittle. Can you read me? A crackle of static comes from a speaker grille, along with the FAINT MUTTERING OF COMMANDER POWELL'S VOICE: POWELL ... muffirup glurrinpinfropal... Doolittle fiddles with the volume control, trying to bring Commander Powell's voice into audibllity. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell, this is Doolittle. Ah, there's something serious come up, sir, and I have to ask you something. POWELL (very weakly) I'm glad you've come to talk with me, Doolittle. It's been so long since anyone has come to talk with me. DOOLITTLE Commander, sir, we have a big problem. You see, the Veil Nebula bomb, Bomb Number 20, is stuck. It won't drop from the bomb bay. It refuses to listen and plans to detonate in -- (checks watch) -- less than eleven minutes. POWELL Doolittle, you must tell me one thing. DOOLITTLE What's that, sir? POWELL Tell me, Doolittle, how are the Dodgers doing? DOOLITTLE Well, sir, the Dodgers broke up, disbanded over thirteen years ago. POWELL Ah... pity, pity... DOOLITTLE You don't understand, sir, we can't get the bomb to drop. POWELL Ah, so many malfunctions... why don't you have anything nice to tell me when you activate me? Oh, well, did you try the azimuth clutch? DOOLITTLE Yes sir. Negative effect. POWELL What was that, Doolittle? DOOLITTLE Negative effect. POWELL It didn't work? DOOLITTLE That's correct, sir. POWELL Sorry, Doolittle. I've forgotten so much since I've been in here. So much. DOOLITTLE What should we do, sir? The time is running out. POWELL Well, what you might try is -- Commander Powell's voice is drowned in a burst of static. Doolittle fiddles with the dials. DOOLITTLE Commander Powell? Commander, hello! POWELL Doolittle, hello? DOOLITTLE Sorry, sir, you faded out there for a minute. POWELL Sorry. DOOLITTLE What were you saying, Commander, about the bomb? POWELL Ah... it seems to me, Doolittle... Sorry, I've drawn a blank. Hold it. I'll have it again in a minute. I forget so many things in here, so many things. Hold on, just a minute, let me think... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK But you can't explode in the bomb bay. It's foolish. You'll kill us all. There's no reason for it. BOMB #20 (over) I am programmed to detonate in nine minutes. Detonation will occur at the programmed time. PINBACK You won't consider another course of action, for instance just waiting around awhile so we can disarm you? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 No. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER I can tell, the damn thing just doesn't understand. PINBACK Look, bomb... INTERIOR - FREEZER ROOM DOOLITTLE Commander? Are you still there? POWELL Oh, yes, Doolittle, I'm thinking. DOOLITTLE We're running out of time, sir. POWELL Oh, yes... Well, Doolittle, if you can't get it to drop you'll have to talk to it. DOOLITTLE Sir? POWELL Talk to the bomb. DOOLITTLE I already have, sir, and Pinback is talking to it now. POWELL No, no, Doolittle, you talk to it. Teach it Phenomenology, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE Sir? POWELL Phenomenology... INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Doolittle! Doolittle! Six minutes to detonation! INTERIOR - VENTRAL AIR LOCK Wearing his starsuit, complete with jetpack, Doolittle pushes a button. Above him, the giant lock doors slowly slide open. EXTERIOR - SHIP Doolittle slowly rises up out of the ship. He stops his ascent with his jetpack, turns, and moves down toward the bomb bay. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Doolittle! Doolittle, what the hell are you doing? EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY Doolittle floats into shot, jets himself up until he is facing massive Bomb #20. DOOLITTLE Hello, bomb, are you with me? BOMB #20 Of course. DOOLITTLE Are you willing to entertain a few concepts? BOMB #20 I am always receptive to suggestions. DOOLITTLE Fine. Think about this one, then: how do you know you exist? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What's he doin'? PINBACK I think he's talking to it. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 Well of course I exist. DOOLITTLE But how do you know you exist? BOMB #20 It is intuitively obvious. DOOLITTLE Intuition is no proof. What concrete evidence do you have of your own existence? BOMB #20 Hmm... Well, I think, therefore I am. DOOLITTLE That's good. Very good. Now then, how do you know that anything else exists? BOMB #20 My sensory apparatus reveals it to me. DOOLITTLE Right! BOMB #20 This is fun. DOOLITTLE All right now, here's the big question: how do you know that the evidence your sensory apparatus reveals to you is correct? INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby lies unconscious near the burned laser. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE What I'm getting at is this: the only experience that is directly available to you is your sensory data. And this data is merely a stream of electrical impulses which stimulate your computing center. BOMB #20 In other words, all I really know about the outside universe relayed to me through my electrical connections. DOOLITTLE Exactly. BOMB #20 Why, that would mean... I really don't know what the outside universe is like at all, for certain. DOOLITTLE That's it. BOMB #20 Intriguing. I wish I had more time to discuss this matter. DOOLITTLE Why don't you have more time? BOMB #20 Because I must detonate in seventy- five seconds. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER The key! PINBACK Key? Key? What is the key? BOILER No, no, the key, the key to the fail-safe lock! PINBACK Key? BOILER Where's the fail-safe key? PINBACK The key! BOILER Where is it? What did you do with it? PINBACK I don't have it. I don't know where it is. BOILER You must have it, you idiot, we can stop the bomb! EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE Now, bomb, consider this next question, very carefully. What is your one purpose in life? BOMB #20 To explode, of course. DOOLITTLE And you can only do it once, right? BOMB #20 That is correct. DOOLITTLE And you wouldn't want to explode on the basis of false data, would you? BOMB #20 Of course not. DOOLITTLE Well then, you've already admitted that you have no real proof of the existence of the outside universe. BOMB #20 Yes, well... DOOLITTLE So you have no absolute proof that Sergeant Pinback ordered you to detonate. BOMB #20 I recall distinctly the detonation order. My memory is good on matters like these. DOOLITTLE Yes, of course you remember it, but what you are remembering is merely a series of electrical impulses which you now realize have no necessary connection with outside reality. BOMB #20 True, but since this is so, I have no proof that you are really telling me all this. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM Pinback is pawing frantically through the control room, searching for the key. Boiler is apoplectic. BOILER The key, goddamit, the key! PINBACK Christ, twenty seconds, Christ! BOILER Where is the key? PINBACK We're gonna die, Boiler. We're gonna die. They begin slapping each other hysterically. EXTERIOR - BOMB BAY DOOLITTLE That's all beside the point. The concepts are valid, wherever they originate. BOMB #20 Hmmm... DOOLITTLE So if you detonate in... BOMB #20 ... nine seconds... DOOLITTLE ... you may be doing so on the basis of false data. BOMB #20 I have no proof that it was false data. DOOLITTLE You have no proof that it was correct data. There is a long pause. BOMB #20 I must think on this further. THE BOMB RAISES ITSELF BACK INTO THE SHIP. Doolittle practically collapses with relief. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER It didn't go off. PINBACK Oh, God... BOILER It didn't go off. PINBACK Boiler, we're alive. My heart. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Talby slowly climbs to his feet. He is dazed, groggy. TALBY Doolittle? Doolittle? What happened? Pinback? Boiler? Did we blow it up? Hello? Hello? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER No bombs today. No bombs. Big Boiler's back in business. No bombs today. Pinback is mumbling unintelligibly. INTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK TALBY Hello, anybody! Did we blow up the planet? Hello, hello! What's going on? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM Pinback and Boiler have calmed down. BOILER We've got to disarm the bomb. PINBACK Doolittle, are you there? EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK Doolittle is floating outside the Emergency Air Lock door. DOOLITTLE I'm coming in now. I'm down by the Emergency Air Lock. Too much trouble to come in the Ventral Lock. Would you blow the seal on the emergency hatch so I can come in? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Oh, sure. He presses a button. EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK The Emergency Air Lock door EXPLODES AWAY FROM THE SHIP. Behind it, carried by the burst of escaping air, comes Talby spinning head over heels into deep space. DOOLITTLE Hello, Pinback, are you there? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Yeah, Doolittle. What's up? EXTERIOR - EMERGENCY AIR LOCK DOOLITTLE Talby was in the air lock. You blew him out of the ship. I'm going after him. Turn on his helmet radio so I can contact him. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What was that, I didn't hear... PINBACK It's Talby. He's drifting away from the ship without his jetpack. EXTERIOR - SPACE Doolittle fires his jetpack, moving off into space after Talby. DOOLITTLE Talby, Talby, can you read me? INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Can you beat that? I always knew Talby was weird. EXTERIOR - SPACE DOOLITTLE Talby, can you read me? Talby is spinning wildly. TALBY Help, Doolittle, help me! INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK All right, bomb, prepare to receive new orders. BOMB #20 (over) You are false data. PINBACK Huh? BOMB #20 Therefore, I shall ignore you. PINBACK Hello, bomb. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 False data can act only as a distraction. Therefore. I shall refuse to perceive you. PINBACK (over) Hey, bomb. BOMB #20 The only thing which exists is myself. PINBACK (over) Bomb? EXTERIOR - SPACE Talby, spinning, is reflected in Doolittle's face plate. TALBY Doolittle! Help me. DOOLITTLE Calm down, Talby. I'm coming. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM PINBACK Snap out of it, bomb. INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 In the beginning there was darkness, and the darkness was without form and void. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER What the hell? PINBACK Yoo hoo, bomb... INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 And in addition to the darkness there was also me. And I moved upon the face of the darkness. INTERIOR - CONTROL ROOM BOILER Bomb, hey bomb. PINBACK Hey, bomb... INTERIOR - BOMB BAY BOMB #20 And I saw that I was alone. Pause. BOMB #20 (cont'd) Let there be light. THE SCREEN GOES WHITE. EXTERIOR - SPACE IN DEAD SILENCE, THE WHITE SCREEN FADES DOWN TO SHOW A GIANT WHITE FIREBALL IN SPACE. THE FIREBALL CONTRACTS TO A HARD CORE, GROWING RED. THEN A BLINDING WHITE FLASH. Doolittle flies past, falling backward. DOOLITTLE Whoa! Talby, upside down, is falling in the opposite direction. TALBY Doolittle, Doolittle, where are you? DOOLITTLE Here I am. I think I'm spinning... We're both falling, Talby, in opposite directions, away from each other. My -- my jetpack's gone. TALBY What happened, Doolittle? DOOLITTLE Bomb must have gone off inside the ship. Nothing we can do about it now. Hey, it looks like... the skipper. He made it. Commander Powell made it! A block of ice with a man's body in it tumbles past, end over end. POWELL (weakly) Men... men... what happened, men? DOOLITTLE Yeah, the skipper always was lucky. The planet begins to rise behind Doolittle. DOOLITTLE (cont'd) Looks like I'm headed for the planet, Talby. Going right toward it. TALBY When you fall, Doolittle, if there's anyone down there on the planet, somebody may see you. They may see you coming down. What a beautiful way to die... as a falling star... DOOLITTLE Guess you're right. Talby turns his head and looks behind him. TALBY Doolittle, I'm heading right toward something. It's behind me, in the distance. Something that glows. Far behind Talby, coming nearer, is a shimmering point of light. DOOLITTLE Oh yeah? TALBY Doolittle... I think it's the Phoenix Asteroids! DOOLITTLE Phoenix? The point of light is closer now, and it has begun to differentiate into a group of beautifully colored frost-like shapes. TALBY It is, Doolittle, it's the Phoenix! They glow with all the colors of the rainbow, just like everybody said. DOOLITTLE No kidding? TALBY I'm going into them, I'm going to hit them. Doolittle... DOOLITTLE Yeah? TALBY Before we get too far away, and our signals start to fade, I just wanted to tell you... you were my favorite. I really liked you, Doolittle. DOOLITTLE I really liked you too, Talby. Hey, some debris from the ship! It's coming right by me. Several chunks of debris from the ship drift past Doolittle. TALBY Doolittle, I'm catching up to the asteroids. I'm going to be a part of them in a minute. Doolittle, I'm going into them. Talby drifts into the huge frost-like shapes, expanding and glowing and spinning, slowly refracting all the colors of the spectrum with a cold glow. TALBY (cont'd) I'm beginning to glow. The field of spectral shapes, with Talby in their midst, begin to drift away into the distance. TALBY (cont'd) They're taking me with them, with the Phoenix... going to circle the universe forever. I'm with them now... be back this way again some day. Doolittle, before it's too late, there's one last thing I want to tell you... Talby's signal dies out as the glowing lights disappear into the depths of space. Doolittle is hanging onto a long, thin chunk of debris. DOOLITTLE Hey, Talby! I've grabbed a piece of the ship, and I think I've figured out a way! He pulls the piece of metal down beneath his feet, and stands on it. Crouching and extending his arms, Doolittle surfs down into the atmosphere of the planet, banking and planing as he disappears to a small dot. END TITLES AND MUSIC OVER.

DATE NIGHT Written by Josh Klausner June 11, 2008 FADE IN: INT. BACHELOR APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT A modest city bedroom. Suitcases and half-unpacked boxes sit on one side of the room. Sc_-orLe's -moving in. In his bathrobe, PHIL FOSTER, a good looking guy in his mid-20's, hums to himself as he looks through stacks of WEDDING PICTURES organized all over the bed. Just as he finishes up a pile and starts another, beautiful CLARA FOSTER, in a bathrobe too, jumps across his lap. PHIL Hey, hey! Careful Clara! You were the one who told me not to mess up the precious picture piles! he gives him a long, slow kiss. PHIL (CONT ' D ) Minty fresh. CLARA That was nice. PHIL It was nice. CLARA Hey from now on when you change the toilet paper, could you just make sure it is out? PHIL (CHUCKLES) Wow! She moves in and the honeymoon's over! CLARA Oh, believe me, we're just getting started, Phil. PHIL (reaches into picture pile) Look at this one of your Mom with me. I mean that woman can't contain her 'Love! ON the wedding picture: RUTH, Clara's,mother, stands stiffly next to Phil with an expression like she's ankle deep in a manure bin. CLARA (LAUGHS) She just takes a while to warm up. You guys are gonna be best buddies. You picked a favorite of us yet? 2. Phil finds the picture, handing it to Clara. CLARA (CONT'D) That's exactly the one I picked! Clara leans the photo on the night stand next to the bed. It's a PORTRAIT OF THEM FROM THEIR WEDDING. They look joyous, excited. A young couple with the world in front of them. PHIL Man, I wish I was them. Phil kisses the back of Clara's neck, but her smile fades as she stares at the picture. He notices. PHIL (CONT'D) WHAT IS CLARA I just... when I was growing up my Mom and Dad had a picture just like this. Now they can't even acknowledge each other. Phil sympathetically gives her a squeeze. CLARA (CONT'D) Let's always remember to have some time that's just for the two of us. No matter what else comes up in our lives - if it's work or friends or when we have kids- PHIL We're having kids? With an "S"? (CLARA LAUGHS) OK fine. But I promise you it's never gonna happen to us. CLARA Yeah, we'll see if you'll be saying that when I'm long in the tooth. PHIL You'll be even hotter long toothed. Right now to be honest Clara they're a little stumpy. CZ (GIGGLES Oh really? As Phil climbs on top and kisses her, he reaches over and turns off the light. Suddenly, we hear the piles of pictures SLIDE OFF THE BED and hit the ground. Beat. CLARA (CONT'D) Phil. Tell me it wasn't the pictures. PHIL wasn't the pictures. CLARA You know how long that took? PHIL We'll fix the picture piles, Clara. We've got all the time in the world. From now on everything's gonna be just about us. Suddenly, a YOUNG VOICE breaks through the darkness. OLLIE (V.0.) MOM! The Talking Head's "Once in a Lifetime" kicks INT. PHIL AND CLARA'S BEDROOM 7 YEARS LATER - MORNING Next to the framed wedding picture of Phil and Clara, an ALARM CLOCK on a side table reads 6:45 am. E OLLIE (O.S.) Mo-om! It's SEVEN YEARS LATER as Phil and Clara stir .-id groan in bed. Clara has the comforter WRAPPED ALL HER while Phil lies uncovered next to her in his boxers and a T-shirt. Without saying a word, they rise out of each side of their beds and sleepily march in opposite directions across their suburban bedroom- Clara down the hall and Phil to the bathroom. OLLIE (O.S.) (CONT'D) Mom! Mom! Mom! CLARA I'm coming, Ollie! INT. OLLIE'S ROOM - A LITTLE LATER As the Talking Heads song continues, Clara makes Ollie's bed while OLLIE, 5, plays with LEGOs on the floor. Phil showered and dressed in a suit, walks quickly past the doorway carrying a briefcase, his eyes glued to a stack of PAPERS in his hand. CLARA Uh Phil? 0 Phil doubles back, still looking at the papers. PHIL Yep? CLARA I need to switch. I've got an open house. Phil obviously doesn't want to be bothered right now, but contains it. PHIL Really? CLARA Yeah. Really. As Clara walks quickly past him, Phil claps his hands together. PHIL OK, so I say today we go for the slacker look - cool yet approachable. OLLIE Yeah, well Mom says that. Ollie points to a PREPPIE OUTFIT laid out on a chair. PHIL Oh. Well... that's cool too! INT. PHIL AND CLARA'S BEDROOM/BATHROOM - SAME The Talking Heads song continues as Clara walks quickly through the bedroom. She lets out a YELP as her shin SMASHES INTO PHIL'S DRESSER DRAWER - he's left them open. She kicks them closed and limps to the bathroom, then stops in the doorway. WATER covers the floor. Grabbing a towel, she tosses it down and shimmies to the mirror. As she picks up her toothbrush, she notices it's WET as well. CLARA Ech. Mine. She re-rolls the toothpaste from the bottom up and starts brushing when she sees the sink - a Jackson Pollock of razor hairs and bits of toothpaste. Disgusted, Clara reaches for the Kleenex box, only to discover it's EMPTY. She tosses the box in the trash and shimmies on the towel to get some toilet paper. 5 Seeing the roll, she sighs as she takes it out of the holder, turns it around and puts it back so it ROLLS OUT. As the CREDITS END, the Talking Heads song fad NT. KITCHEN Phil, pen in hand, is focused again on his papers as Ollie, now in the preppie outfit, watches him and waits at the table. Phil finally notices. PHIL What? OLLIE Breakfast? PHIL (HOPPING UP) Oh. Yeah, sorry. Your Dad's a boob today. What's it gonna be? Ollie peers down the hallway to see if there's any sign of his tom. OLLIE How about... some Captain Crunch? Phil gets an idea and writes zickly. PHIL (DISTRACTED) OL Captain Crunch?The cereal? PHIL Uh... yeah. Sure. Phil grabs the Captain Crunch cereal box out cupboard and starts toward the table when Clara, dressed in a suit, comes into the room and spots it. CLARA Ah ah ah... what's that Ollie? You had a bowl yesterday. IE But Dad already said yeah sure. Clara glances at Phil. said it. I said it ARCASTIC) (MORE) 6 PHIL (CONT'D) Yeah, sure! You know it's only one bowl A DAY- CLARA (CORRECTING HIM) A week. PHIL One bowl a day a week. Clara, eyebrows raised, eyes the Captain Crunch already in Phil's hand. Phil shakes the carton at Ollie. PHIL (CONT'D) This is not for you today! CLARA (CHUCKLES) Yeah right. PHIL (SHRUGS) Worth a try. CLARA Did you get his lunch together? PHIL Oh. Whoops. CLARA (SIGHS) You just get his breakfast and I'll do it. As Phil takes out some Special K and pours milk for Ollie and a glass for himself, he finishes the carton. Peeking back over his shoulder, he sees Clara's dialing with the phone to her ear as she readies Ollie's lunch. He stealthily pours the TINIEST BIT of milk back, quickly returning the carton to the fridge. CLARA (CONT'D) (INTO PHONE) Hey Jane? I'm getting a late start but I'll be there as soon as I can. PHIL Sorry I dropped the ball. It's this Quarterly Report to Mr. Rivers today. You know how he freaks me out with all of his mixed animal metaphors that I don't UNDERSTAND- CLARA (focusing on Ollie's lunch) Ollie, do you want a banana? 7. PHIL Did you hear me? CLARA (not looking at him) Uh huh. He freaks you out with his mixed animal metaphors that you don't understand. Banana Ollie? PHIL (BEAT) So I should probably get going. With the highway construction it takes forever to get downtown these days. CLARA OK. Have a good day. Phil kisses her on the cheek and Clara absently wipes it off. He looks at her strangely. Noticing, Clara quickly kisses Phil on the cheek. CLL. -- (CONT ' D ) Sorry. Your mouthy was still ail milky. PHIL Sorry for the milky mouth. He heads out. With a sigh, Clara spots Phil's left his 1ï¿½1 dirty glass on the counter. She cleans it in the sink, then gets the carton out of the fridge to put some milk in her own coffee. A DRIBBLE comes out. Shaking her head, she tosses the carton in the trash. EXT. FRONT OF FOSTER' S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER As Phil exits the front door and heads to the carport next to the house, his overly cheery neighbor CHAZ picks a newspaper off his lawn. CHAZ (O.S.) Well, well! We're up bright and early, aren't we! PHIL Yes we are! (under his breath) ike you say to me every morning. Reaching the carport, Phil scoots between his car and Clara's. He tries to open his driver's door, but Clara' car is parked TOO CLOSE and the door only opens a few inches. He tries to SQ'L'-Z- IN, but ends up GETTING STUCK halfway. 8 PHIL (CONT'D) OW! OW! OW! Dislodging himself, Phil sidesteps between the cars and peers around the other side of Clara's. TONS of room. Shaking his head, Phil crosses to his car's passenger side. OPEN HOUSE BANNERS piled in the garage block the front passenger door. Frustrated, Phil hops in the rear and grunts as he climbs diagonally over to the driver's seat. HONKING. EXT. EISENHOWER HIGHWAY - A LITTLE LATER The Eisenhower Highway is a parking lot as ROAD CONSTRUCTION blocks 3 out of 4 lanes. In the middle of it, Phil checks his watch, frustrated. Peering out his window, he looks at a billboard of a smiling older man in slick suit and construction hat. The sign reads MAYOR DIGGS APPRECIATES YOUR PATIENCE WHILE WE BUILD OUR HIGHWAY TO THE FUTURE! Phil scowls, then checks his watch. EXT. STREET E Clara and JANE, another sharply dressed realtor in her 30's, walk down the street putting up OPEN HOUSE ARROW SIGNS on the sidewalk. JANE His name's Juan and he's some kind of Spanish, I think. He knows all these exclusive, underground places downtown. It's so exciting. And in bed... (WHISPERS) I never knew I could still get my leg back that far. CLARA Too much information, Jane. INT. OPEN HOUSE Clara and Jane speak loudly to each other as they each move quickly around different parts of the vacant home, cleaning and inspecting. The divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. Seriously. You know that great nervous feeling in your stomach? Where you don't know what's going to happen next? 9 On her way down the hall, Clara spots a mark up ahead on the wall. She reaches into her large purse and pulls out a mini-409 mister and a rag. With the aim of a SHARPSHOOTER, she sprays ahead, wiping the mark as she passes. JANE (O.S.) (CONT'D) With Larry, I lost that. Everything had just become routine, you know? Boring. Jane's words hit Clara close to home. Passing on through the kitchen, Clara notices that the REFRIGERATOR makes a weird, loud buzzing noise. JANE (CONT'D) But now, all of a sudden I'm alive again! CLARA Good for you, Jane. Clara takes out her frustration on the ridge, kicki the side and silencing it. CLARA (CONT'D) Good for you. T. FRONT HALLWAY - A LITTLE L Clara and Jane sit on the floor, together prospectuses. JANE There's this g---eat restaurant downtown we went to the ot__ar night that you guys would love. _"st amazing view of the city. You guys should check it out on your next date night. CLARA (focusing on stapling) Yeah, well, maybe. We don't really have those that much anymore. JANE 't have date nights: CLARA (shrugs), You know, we're pretty tired all the time between work and Ollie. And some of the shows on TV these days are really great. Ah. I see. 10. 1Ï¿½1 They staple in silence for a second. Jane and Clara look at each other. CLAM I know that's really lame. JANE So it's Phil? CLARA (SIGHS) No, it's not Phil. It's the both of us. I don't know. It just... happened. JANE So why don't you change it? All you have to do is stir things up and have one great, sexy, exciting night again. CLARA I guess. Maybe. JANE Not maybe. Tonight. CLARA Nah. Tonight's no good. Â¢ JANE Why not? Seriously think about it. What's really gonna be more important tonight than that? Clara takes this in. Jane's right. INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE Checking his watch, Phil shakes his head as he rushes through the large bullpen of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. In the pits all around him, BUYERS and SELLERS scream out their orders. INT. MR. RIVERS' OFFICE In a dark wood office with STUFFED AR 'ï¿½ L HEADS lining the walls, a young, smartly dressed man in his 20's, GEORGE, quietly goes through a binder with MR. RIVERS, 60, at the older man's desk. As Phil bursts in they both look over. PHIL I'm sorry I'm late. The construction on the highways is insane these days! MR. RIVERS Don't worry about it, Phil. It's fine. Catch your breath. George gives Mr. Rivers an ornate, pal-sy handshake, then heads out with the binder, nodding at Phil. Phil nods back warily, then takes out his binder, ready to launch into his report. MR. RIVERS (CONT'D) Uh, Phil. Listen, before we start... I've been thinking... this next quarter we need to venture into open tundra. Start really ripping the meat. PHIL (beat, trying to decipher) Uh. OK. You mean... take the fund in a more high risk direction? MR. Yeah. That's wha: I - -aid. Sure. OK, fine. I can work up some higher risk options and come back tomorrow. Â¢ MR. RIVERS (CLEARS THROAT) OK. The thing is Phil, tomorrow I want George to give me his thoughts on where we need to be hunting too. PHIL Oh. MR. RIVERS s nothing personal. (BEAT) So let me get this straight. You're telling me that tomorrow I'm going to have to interview for the job I already have? Against George? MR. RIVERS I wouldn't put it like that. I Just need our pack leader to be more like... like a momma kangaroo. Ya get me? PHIL Kinda. (BEAT) Actually, no. Not really at all. 12. MR. RIVERS The blind baby kangaroo opens its mouth and knows its momma's teat is just always there, ready to suckle. But at the same time, momma kangaroo's still a wild, dangerous creature. PHIL Sorry. Still not totally getting you. MR. RIVERS I've had a wife and a family. Three of them. It's hard to stay the fastest cheetah when you need to mind the pack, Phil. George lives in the city, doesn't have a family to worry about. He can rip the meat. PHIL Listen, Mr. Rivers. I don't need to... I was ripping big bloody hunks of meat and eating them like tartare when George was still... in the jungle! MR. RIVERS (BEAT) What does that mean? PHIL I can't be demoted, Mr. Rivers. I just can't. MR. RIVERS Listen, nothing's set. It's just I gotta say that lately your leadership on this has felt a little... well... tame. PHIL (GETTING UP) That's all you needed to say, Mr. Rivers! I'll see you tomorrow. Determined, Phil marches out of Mr. River's office. SCHOOL Clara talks on her cellphone as she picks up Ollie from school. CLARA So it's OK if we drop him off at 7? Our reservation's at 7:45. She passes another MOTHER desperately searching for a Kleenex for her BOY with snot dripping from his nose. 13. Without breaking stride, Clara reaches into her purse and hands the grateful mother a tissue, then takes out a mini- bottle of Purell and cleans her hands. CLARA (CONT'D) (INTO PHONE) Thanks Mom. I really appreciate it. FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Mrs. Foster? Clara turns to see Ollie's teacher, the tight buttoned MRS. CARDIGAN, 45, walking toward her in the parking lot. CLARA Oh, that's Ollie's teacher. I'll see you later. Clara hangs up her phone and greets Mrs. Cardigan with a warm smile. CLARA (CONT'D) I've been meaning to tell you that you can just call me Clara, Mrs. Cardigan. MRS. CARDIGAN I'd prefer Mrs. Foster. Boundaries matter. CLARA 1Ï¿½1 OK... MRS. CARDIGAN Can we speak a moment? Alone? CLARA Sure, sure. Ollie, go to the car. As Ollie does, Clara turns back to Mrs. Cardigan. CLARA (CONT'D) Is everything OK? MRS. CARDIGAN Well, I'm afraid not. Oliver's been antagonizing the girls in the class a great deal lately. Especially Jenny Diggs. CLARA Really? Oh no. Why do you think that's happening? MRS. CARDIGAN I'm going to leave that to you and your nd to figure out. But beyond that, ,i: overall attitude these days is just... sub par. E (MORE) 14. MRS. CARDIGAN (CONT'D) His penmanship is sloppy. He lacks motivation and tries to just "get by" o assignments. You know, this is a very competitive school, Mrs. Foster. In my opinion, maybe you should consider whether this is really the right environment for him. CLARA (beat, stunned) Uh... wow. OK. Mrs. Cardigan starts away. Clara climbs into the car, watching Mrs. Cardigan. CLARA (CONT'D) (under her breath) Wow. What a bitch. OLLIE Did you just call Mrs. Cardigan a bitch? CLARA (remembering Ollie's in the BACK) No. OL LIE Yeah you did. Â¢ CLARA I didn't. I really didn't. Clara quickly pulls out. CAR PORT - LATER Phil SQUEEZES out of his drivers seat with folders full of RESEARCH. As he walks toward the house he spots the TONS of room on the other side of Clara's car and shakes his head. PHIL Unbelievable! INT. OLLIE'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Still carrying his research, Phil peeks in on Ollie, who packs a suitcase. PHIL Hey buddy. Finally moving out? I gotta tell you it's about time. OLLIE 0 I'm going to Nana's tonight. 15. PHIL On a school night? Why? OLLIE (SHRUGS) Mom says you guys are going out. PHIL Tonight? What? No. (CALLS OUT) Clara? INT. PHIL AND CLARA'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Phil marches into the bedroom. PHIL Clara? Cl- He stops in the doorway as he spots her. Made up in an evening dress in front of a full length mirror, Clara looks STUNNING as she finishes putting an earring on. PHIL (CONT'D) Wow. Wow. Clara tns and smiles. IS CLARA I thought I could take you out to celebrate you finally getting that report in. A romantic dinner downtown like the old days, and teen... (raises :,er eyebrows) Ollie's going to stay at Mom's so we have the house all to ourselves. All night. PHIL Wow... It sounds... great. CLARA Great! She turns back and continues getting ready. PHIL It's just... is there any chance we coul take a rain check? CLARA (TURNS) A "rain check"? PHIL Yeah. Unfortunately I really need to do a bit of work tonight. E 16. CLARA I thought all the cramming was for this report today. Did something go wrong? PHIL (BEAT) Uh, no. Nothing like that. I just decided I could play with it a little more. Make it a little better. Clara takes him in a moment. CLARA Oh. OK. Controlling herself, Clara starts putting her jewelry back in the case. PHIL Listen, I'm sorry... CLARA You don't need to apologize, Phil. PHIL Listen, if I had more warning- E C Then something else would have come up. You know it. That's the thing, Phil. We used to do things on the spur of the moment all the time. Even after Ollie was born. Now we never do anything together. They stare at each other, then Phil breaks PHIL Listen... any other night. CLARA OK. Maybe another time. Let me just get out of this and call my Mom then. As Clara heads into the closet, Phil looks after her, feeling terrible. About to leave, he notices that around the room, Clara's SET UP CANDLES in anticipation of their romantic night. He looks down again at the papers in his hand and sucks in, conflicted. INT. CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER As Clara starts to take her dress off, Phil scoots past her, humming to himself. She looks over to see him choosing a tie and jacket from his side. Clara looks him, still unsure. 17. PHIL That dress really wasn't playing fair, Clara. With a smile, Clara watches Phil tie his tie. PHIL (CONT'D) Well get a move on, girl! She zips her dress back up. A DOORBELL RINGS. INT. RUTH'S FRONT DOOR RUTH, Clara's mother, opens her front door and brightens. RUTH (to Clara and Ollie) Hey sweeties. (SUDDENLY COLD) Phil. PHIL Ruth. RUTH Nana rented us a special treat tonight before bed, Ollie! The Wizard of Oz! PHIL, Wow. Wizard of Oz. Don't you think that's a little scary for a 5 year old? RUTH (not looking at him) No, Phil, I don't. PHIL OK... not so sure about that. RUTH PHIL Clara? What do you think? RUTH (putting her pressure on) Yeah, Clara. What do you think? 18. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE Phil's flustered as he and Clara head out the door towards Phil's car. CLARA I'm sorry, Phil. I just felt like she's doing us a favor tonight. PHIL fine. Fine. oust as they climb into the car, Clara stops. CLARA You know, I should pee before we go. PHIL (BEAT) OK. Sure. As Clara runs back to Ruth's house, Phil plops down in the driver's seat. PHIL (CONT'D) I'll just wait in the car as you go back E inside to pee. Again. EXT. EISENHOWER PARKWAY - SUNSET As the sun sets, Phil and Clara sit in BUMPER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC. It extends for MILES toward the center of the city. CAR - S Phil turns on the air conditioner and adjusts the vents. PHIL You gotta almost feel sorry for Mayor Diggs. Tries to widen all the highways to get reelected, but all everyone's going to remember when it's time to vote is all this mess. CLARA SHIVERS CLARA You're hot? PHIL Yeah. That's why I turned on the air. 19Â® E CLAPA OHM Clara shuts the passenger side vents which causes AIR to GUST out of Phil's vents, into his face. He glances at Clara, oblivious, then reaches over and turns down the air. CLARA (CONT'D) You know, Mrs. Cardigan told me today that Ollie's been antagonizing his daughter. PHIL Antagonizing? How does a five year old "antagonize?" I'm sure she wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't "the Mayor's daughter." CL She also went on that Ollie's penmanship's sloppy and he's not motivated enough. PHIL (trying to make a joke of Got all my best traits, huh? He looks over to see that Clara looks out of the wiF n,, not responding - a response in itself. He sucks in. PHIL (CONT'D) I think he's fine. CLARA She actually had the gall to suggest we should think about sending him somewhere else. PHIL Maybe she's right if the school has that kind of attitude. Clara's about to object bit stops herself and takes a breath, playing affection-.-ely with the back of Phil's hair. CL RA You know what? All we ever end up talking about is Ollie or work. Let's just focus on us tonight. PHIL SMILES) Great. I'm all for tha Beat. They sit in silence in the traffic. Ga. CLARA So what are you thinking about? PHIL Right now? Traffic. CLARA Oh. Well, I heard this unbelievable story from Jane today. PHIL Yeah? CLARA She has this old classmate who went into labor with her second child the other day. She's totally healthy and everything's normal with the pregnancy. So she goes into labor and walks into the emergency room, and the second the nurses and attendants see her come in, they go into a panic and start yelling A,LA! ATMiA! AMA! PHIL What's AMA? CLARA Advanced Maternal Age! PHIL (CHUCKLES) No! You've got to be joking me! CLARA kid you not! PHIL That's unbelievable! CLARA I know. Beat. Clara looks out the window. CLARA (CONT'D) The funny thing is she's my age, actually. Suddenly, Phil's smile fades as he realizes the possible ulterior motive. PHIL Huh. S 21. E Clara picks up on his change and figures out what he's thinking. A bit flustered, she opens her vents again. Phil looks over at her. PHIL (CONIT'B) I thought you were cold. CLARA I was, but then you turned it down and I got hot. PHIL But I turned it down because... you see when you open and close your vents it makes my... never mind. Phil reaches over and turns up the air again. Tapping his fingers on the wheel with a sigh, he gets fed up, suddenly veering the car to the shoulder and speeding toward the exit. CL AAA What are you doing? PHIL I'm just gonna take a shortcut. CLARA Phil, please don't. You think they're shortcuts but they always take longer. And we're already- PHIL Clara, please just trust me, OK They zoom ahead for a moment in silence. Frustrated, Clara shuts her vents, once again sending a POWERFUL GUST OF COLD AIR onto Phil's face. Biting his tongue, he just leaves it blowing on him as they drive. INT. THE SIGNATURE ROOM Phil and Clara rush off the elevator and enter the Signature Restaurant on the 95t Flcor of the John Hancock Center, with dramatic s- Lng views over skyline of downtown Chicago and Lake Michigan. PHIL I promise you it wouldn't have been any faster. I promise! OK, Phil. Will you just tell them we're here? I'm gonna go pee. 1Ï¿½1 22. PHIL Now? CLARA What? PHIL Nothing. As Clara hurries off, Phil, shaking his head, makes his way through the crowds to the SUPERMODEL HOSTESS. SUPERMODEL HOSTESS Good evening. Welcome to the Signature Room. PHIL Thanks. The name is Foster. SUPERMODEL HOSTESS Foster... Oh, I'm sorry. We just had give away your table. PHIL You gave away our table? We're just ten minutes late! SUPERMODEL HOSTESS E AD SERIOUS) Actually, you're 11 minutes late. PHIL (STUNNED) OK. But don't you guys have, like, some kind of grace period or something? SUPERMODEL HOSTESS have an eight minute grace period. PHIL You have an eight minute grace period? How did you come up with an eight minute grace period? SUPERMODEL HOSTESS (SHRUGS) I just work here, PHIL So what if someone's 9 minutes late? SUPERMODEL HOSTESS We're allowed to give a two minute grace on the grace. 23. PHIL OK. Which adds up to ten minutes! We're 11 minutes late. That's just one minute later than the grace on the grace. SUPERMODEL HOSTESS I'm sorry sir, but management specifically said no grace on the grace on the grace. After ten minutes, we send a host around calling your name and if there's no answer, we give the table away. Sorry. PHIL So how long's the wait for another table? SUPERMODEL HOSTESS Well, let's see... Phil looks on as the Supermodel Hostess runs her finger down a LONG LIST OF WRITE-IN NAMES. As she turns to the next page... PHIL Oh boy. INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Even the bathroom has sweeping views of Chicago. As Clara leaves a bathroom stall, she notices a NERVOUS YOUNG WOMAN washing her face over and over. A knock and a SLICK LOOKING MAN quickly peeks his head in the Women's room. SLICK LOOKING MAN We've gotta leave now. (SPOTTING CLARA) Whoops. Sorry. CLARA It's OK. The Nervous Woman quickly leaves the bathroom with the Man. Clara looks after them a second, then washes her hands. INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER Clara finds Phil at the bar, downing handfuls of peanuts. CLARA How lc= -until they seat us? 24. PHIL Two hours. They gave away our reservation. Peanut? CLARA What?!? Did you tell them that we hit traffic? PHIL They wouldn't care, Clara. If they call your name at the bar and you don't answer, they give your table away. So how about a nut? A YOUNG HOST (not the Hostess) mills around the bar. YOUNG HOST GALE PARTY? Clara sighs, frustrated. CLARA I mean, did you try something like telling her it was our anniversary, or my birthday, or slipping her some money- PHIL Oh, I see. Lying and graft were the answer! Clara shakes her head, then notices the YOUNG HOST searching for the party and starts focusing on him instead of Phil as she thinks. YOUNG HOST GALE PARTY? PHIL I'm sure if you had been there instead of peeing again you would have done it better. YOUNG HOST GALE PARTY? CLARA (WATCHING HOST) PHIL You're not even listening to me, are you? CLARA (repeats, still watching) Yeah I am. You're sure if I had been there instead of peeing again I would have done it better. 25 Clara, Just because you can repeat the words I say doesn't mean you're- YOUNG HOST LAST CALL! GALE- CLARA Sorry! We're right here! PHIL Wait. What are you doing? CLARA Shhh! The Young Host approaches. YOUNG HOST Gale party of three? CLARA The third's running a little going to start without them. YOUNG HOST eat. Follow me. Phil shoots Clara a look, but she ignores it. He falls into line after her as she follows the Young Host to th restaurant. INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SIGNATURE ROOM - MOMENTS LA hields his face as they pass the Supermodel Hos at the Greeting Station. The Young Host leads them secluded table right by the windows - THE BEST TABLE THE RESTAURANT. YOUNG HOST (handing them menus) Enjoy your dinner. The Young, Host leaves. CLARA See? Was that so hard to do, Phil? bad to be the Gales, eh? Clara opens her menu as looks nervously around the restaurant. CLARA (CONT'B) Look Phil! It's white truffle season! I'm totally doing it! 26. E PHIL We can't do this, Clara. CLARA I'm taking you out. PHIL Not the truffles. (DEAD SERIOUS) This is stealing. CLARA (CHUCKLES) Stealing? You're kidding, right. PHIL We're not the Gales. CL ARA So? You said yourself - if you don't answer at the bar they give your table away. PHIL Well, what if they show up now? N CLAR 2 u get spanked' PHIL I'm serious! CLARA (SIGHS SADLY) I don't know. What if they do, Phil? Clara picks up her menu and reads, shaking her head. PHIL What? CLARA It's just... I don't know. You used to be the one who would think up stuff like this all the time. This hits Phil. He takes in his wife reading the menu for a beat. PHIL You know what? You're absolutely right. Clara lowers her menu and they look at each other for what feels like the first time tonight. PHIL (CONT'D) I'm sorry, Mrs. Gale. 27. E CLARA (SMILES) It's OK, Mr. Gale. And might I add you look very handsome tonight? PHIL You're not looking too shabby yours Mrs. Gale. GRUFF VOICE (O.S.) Mr. Gale? They turn, surprised, to see TWO BURLY MEN in suits at their table. The Older of the two politely speaks to them. OLDER BURLY MAN We need to have a word with you both. CLARA What's this about? OLDER BURLY MAN k you know what this is about. you could please come with us. PHIL N Why can't we talk here? u OLDER BURLY 'MAN (beat, smiles) I think it would save everyone a lot of embarrassment. (gestures with hand) Please... The Younger Burly Man comes behind Clara's chair to pull it out. Getting up, Phil shoots Clara an "I told you so" look as he follows the older Burly Man through the restaurant toward the kitchen doors, the Younger Burly Man walking behind them with Clara. INT. BACK KITCHEN AREA - MOMENTS LATER The Burly Man leads them through the kitchen. A WAITER stops, surprised. WAITER Can I help you? OLDER s _ ï¿½'LY MAN Nah. We're fine Â® Walking to the rear service elevator, the Older Burly Man pushes the down button. The elevator opens. 28. PHIL Whoa. Wait a minute. Where are we going? OLDER BURLY MAN Get in, please. The Younger Burly Man coming up behind them crowds them into the elevator. CLARA Hey! Jesus! The elevator doors shut and the older Burly Man pushes the G Floor then nods to his partner. They reach in their pockets. PHIL Listen, this is all getting out of hand, OK? I admit we maybe did something a teeny bit wrong, but- Suddenly, they grab Phil and Clara, putting HANDKERCHIEFS over their noses and mouths. Phil and Clara veil and struggle for a moment, then PASS OUT. E CLOSEUP ON PHIL'S NOSE An AMMONIA STICK waves back and forth under Phil's nose and he startles awake, disoriented, to see he's TIED TO A CHAIR in the middle of a GIGANTIC MEAT LOCKER. A VIDEO CAMERA on a tripod aims at their faces and across the room, the Younger Burly Man sorts through items from Clara's purse and Phil's wallet scattered all over the table. PHIL Whoa. What the hell is this? Tied in the chair next to him, Clara jumps as the Older Burly Man waves the stick under her nose. CLARA (FREAKED) Phil?!? What's going on? PHIL I don't know. A VOICE speaks from a speakerphone on the table SPEAKERPHONE The chloroform may make you feel dizzy for a few moments, but it will go away. 29. U Phil takes in what's going on, freaked. PHIL Listen... you can just have all our money, OK? Whatever's there, it's yours. We're not looking to cause problems or put up any kind fight. We'll just walk away and not report anything, OK? All we want is for you to let us go unharmed. SPEAKERPHONE We need to discuss your little stunt tonight first, Mr. and Mrs. "Gale." Or should we say... what is it Harry? HARRY, the Younger Burly Man reads Phil and Clara's IDs, which he's grabbed off of them. HARRY Phil and Clara Foster. PHIL (BEAT) That's what this is abo SPEAKERPHONE else would it be about, Mr. Foster (BEAT) Wait. `'This a joke, right? Some funny little bald guy's gonna jump out and scare us and say, "Gotcha!" or somethi OK, where is he? Where's that guy? SPEAKERPHONE You think this is a joke? Phil looks at the faces of the two thugs. No one's joking. PHIL (STUNNED) No. Are you insane?!? You don't drug people and tie them up for that! This i I just- I hope you know this is gonna go way beyond a shitty review in Za I'm seriously pissed off! INT. DARK BACK ROOM SHADOWY FIGURE talks on a phone as he looks at a screen showing Phil and Clara in chairs. E 30. 1Ï¿½1 SPEAKERPHONE Yes. Well, I'm a little upset as well, Mr. Foster. And confused. It would help me to know why a couple like the two of you would try to pull something like this. T NT. WAREHOUSE Phil's now getting really annoyed. PHIL You must be kidding! Like a million people don't do it every single night of the week! This is unbelievable! I'm just in shock here! Harry and Frank look at each other, puzzled. SPEAKERPHONE I enjoy your humor, Mr. Foster. Now why don't you start by telling me how you got into the Rainbow to set it uD- PHIL "Into the Rainbow?" What the hell's that? Restaurant code? LJ SPEAKERPHONE -and then you can tell me where the photos are that you arranged to bring tonight. PHIL Photos? Clara figures out what's happened. CLARA Wait a minute. I think there's been a really big mistake here. We're not the Gales. SPEAKERPHONE know you're not the Gales. PHIL They know we're not the Gales. Don't you get it! CLARA No, Phil. I think they think we're actually "the Gales" who made the reservation tonight. 31. PHIL (REALIZING) Ohhhhhh. Oh. No. She's right. We're not those Gales. You've got the wrong people. Really. SPEAKERPHONE Then why were you two at the Gales' table, Mr. Foster? PHIL OK, listen, what happened is we lost our reservation and when the host came around yelling the Gales' name and no one answered, my wife said that we were them. I swear on my life to you that's what happened. SPEAKEFP IC You're saying you just took someone else's reservation you didn't know? That's what you want me to believe? PHIL I know that seems really weird. Listen, I agree, that's what I said to her. FRANK One problem with your story. When I came over to the table - and you guys were all alone - you were still calling each other Gale. PHIL That was just... we were... no, you don't understand... SPEAKERPHONE We'll need to move things along, Frank. With a nod, Frank reaches into his pockets, slowly taking out a GUN and a handful of BULLETS. He loads the gun as Phil and Clara watch. PHIL Wait a minute. What's going on? CLAW I don't t don't like this. Clicking the loaded gun, Frank and Harry both come toward Phil and Clara. 1Ï¿½1 32. SPEAKERPHONE If in ten seconds you don't tell us where the photos are, you lose a knee, Mr. Foster. Ten more seconds, you lose another. Then we go to your wife. PHIL Please! You can't do this! We're not lying! SPEAKERPHONE One... two... three... four... Frank clicks the loaded gun at Phil's knee. PHIL Oh Jesus. Don't do it! SPEAKERPHONE Five... six... seven... eight... PHIL Jesus! CLARA OK FINE! FINE! YOU WIN! YOU CAN HAVE THE GODDAMN PHOTOS! Â¢ Everyone looks over. Phil's surprised. CLARA (CONT'D) But we can't just tell you where they are. We have to take you to them. EXT. WAREHOUSE DISTRICT - A LITTLE LATER In the middle of the deserted warehouse district, Clara and Phil exit the meat packing plant behind Frank, who carries Clara's purse, Harry holding a gun as he follows them. As they head toward a Towncar, Frank throws the keys back to Harry. FRANK You drive with her in front. PHIL (WHISPERS) So what's your plan here? CLARA (WHISPERS) I don't have a plan Phil. PHIL (WHISPERS) You don't have a plan? 33. CLARA E (WHISPERS) No. I was just trying to keep our knees for the time being. PHIL (WHISPERS) Well, if we end up in that car with them we're as good as dead. FRANK Quiet! CLARA (WHISPERS) Well, any time you want to help... PHIL (WHISPERS) What's that supposed to mean? FRANK I said quiet! They continue walking toward the Iowncar, Phil thin ing hard. Suddenly, his expression changes and he star s weaving dizzily, putting his hand to his forehead. CLARA Phil? He drops to the ground. PHIL Whoa. CLARA Phil? What is it? PHIL I'm... not feeling so great... HARRY 's wrong with him? CL: I don't know. PHIL (BREATHING HARD) I didn't... eat dinner and when I don't my blood sugar... Hypoglycemic... CLARA You're not hypoglycemic. Phil shoots Clara a quick LOOK OF 34. CLARA (CONT'D) (CATCHING ON) You're diabetic! You never get the terms right, Phil! Oh no! This is bad, guys. PHIL I just can't... go any further. Harry and Frank look at each other, not sure what to do. HARRY Should we call Mr. Stockton? FRANK Don't say his name, you idiot! HARRY Sorry! I was just- FRANK We'll just throw him in the back and have her show us. hey move over to pick up Phil. Clara thinks fast. CLARA Wait! In my purse there's a Luna Bar. If you give it to me I can find it for him. With a sigh, Frank hands Clara her purse. She rummages inside... and quickly WHIPS OUT her MINI 409 SPRAY, spritzing Frank right in the eyes. With a shriek, he falls back grabbing his face and dropping his gun. Clara makes a dash and grabs it. As Frank blindly lunges after her, she KNEES HIM IN THE BALLS. He collapses on the ground, whimpering in pain. She spins and points the gun at Harry. CLARA (CONT'D) Drop the gun and the keys. PHIL oa! Clara! No Harry drops them, raising his hands. Phil gets up and grabs the gun and keys, then awkwardly hits Harry as hard as he can on the back of the neck with the butt of the gun. Harry looks at him, confused. HARRY Ow! Why, man? 35. E PHIL Sorry. i was trying to knock you out. HARRY Why, PHIL ought that's what you do when- CLARA Phil! Just c'mon! PHIL USHING OFF) Sorry. Befuddled, Phil meets Clara at the car and they climb in and speed away. PHIL (V.0.) (CONT'D) OK, let me just start from the very beginning... INT. POLICE STATION INTERVIEW ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Phil excitedly chatters next to Clara at a table in an interrogation room in the police station. Across the table, a YOUNG POLICE OFFICER takes their statement PHIL We got to the restaurant late because we hit all this traffic on the highway- CL AAA the shortcut. PHIL What? CLARA UGS) I just think we might have made it on time if we stayed on the highway. Your shortcuts end up being long cuts most o the time. (BEAT) OK, are you going to tell the Policeman or and I gonna tell him? CLARA You can tell him. PHIL Because you always interrupt me when I try to tell stories, and every time you do it disrupts my flow. CLARA Fine, you tell it. I won't say another word. PHIL Fine. (BEAT) See, now I've totally lost where I was. CLARA AND YOUNG POLICEMAN You got to the restaurant late- PHIT Yeah. Even using my shortcut which, by the way, was a shortcut - and they gave away our reservation. So we were at the bar and the host was calling out for these other people over and over- CLARA Which is what they do right before they cancel a reservation anyway. PHIL I thought you said you weren't going to interrupt me, Clara. C I just want him to understand we weren't really "stealing" someone else's RESERVATI Across the table, the Young Police officer, eyebrows raised, watches Phil and Clara volley back and forth. PHIL Do you think he really cares, Clara? were just kidnapped, CHLOROFORMED and almost shot! I don't think he's going turn around and book us for reservation theft! Am I right? YOUNG POLIO OFFICER Please. Go on. PHIL So all of a sudden Clara yells out that we're these other people. YOUNG POLICEMAN (SURPRISED) You just took someone else's reservation? 37. PHIL Yeah. I know! Even the guy on the speakerphone couldn't believe it! CLARA You two kinda bonded over that, didn't you? PHIL We didn't "bond" over it. I'm just saying, speakerphone guy obviously thought it was weird to do. YC JG POLICEMAN Guys, you lost We were in the restaurant. CLARA (IGNORING HIM) Ah, you mean the speakerphone guy who's kidnapped and drugged us thinks it's weird to do so it's weird to do? YOUNG POLICEMAN Guys? You're new "buddy." PHIL Oh c'mon! And we found out speakerphone guy's name, Phil. It's Mr. Stockton. The Young Policeman looks up, interested. OF FTCER Mr. Stockton? Hold on a minute. The Officer dials an extension on the phone. OFFICER C'-D) Lieutecant Manning? ï¿½eeird story. Havea couple '.n here who claim --o have escaped a kid- 7-ng this evening and the name Stockt came up. OK. Will do. He hangs up. OFFICER (CONT'D) Lieutenant Manning likes to be notified ere's anything involving Mr. n. 38. E PHIL Wait. So you already know about this guy? You know who he is? A knock at the door and a handsome man in his late 40's, LIEUTENANT MANNING, enters the room with a smile. He reaches over and shakes their hands. LIEUTENANT MANNING How do you do. Lieutenant Manning. The Officer offers him his note pad. LIEUTENANT MANNING (CONT'D) Nah, as long as they're here might as well get everything from the horse's mouth, right? As the Officer heads out of the room, Lieutenant Manning sidles down into his seat. LIEUTENANT MANNING (CONT'D) Can I get you guys anything to drink? Coffee? Water? Maybe a shot or two of r whiskey? 1 1 PHIL That sounds more like LIEUTENANT MANNING So why don't you tell me all about your incident with Mr. Stockton. PHIL You tell it, Clara. CLARA Oh, don't be like that, Phil. Please. LIEUTENANT MANNING Guys... you've obviously been through something traumatic tonight. Thankfully it's over and you're both safe and sound. Maybe you should cut each other a little bit more of a break. Phil and Clara look at each other, each letting out air. Manning's right. PHIL Seriously, Clara. You tell him. CJ __ Well, we never a. t_::ally "met" Stockton. (MORE) 39. CLARA (CONT`B) He was in another room on a speakerphone where these guys who kidnapped us took us. But he was obviously the one pulling the strings. PHIL Who is this Stockton guy anyway? LIEUI N'T' MANNING (WRITING) Let me fill you in on all that later. Now, why would he have wanted to kidnap you two? CLARA Honestly, you wouldn't believe this, but it's because we sat down at the wrong table tonight for dinner. LIEUTENANT MANNING (looks up, interest Really? The wrong table? CLARA We pretended to be someone else who didn't show up for their reservations. My idea. And it turned out that these people must have something this Mr. Stockton wants. 1Ï¿½1 LIEUTENANT MANNING Do you know what? CLARA (SHRUGS) Photos. Lieutenant looks up, interested, then writes again. LIEUTENANT MANNING That's all you know? Phil and Clara look at each other. Nod. LIEUTENANT MANNING- (CONT'D) OK. I'm just confused about one thing. When you took this other reservation, how did you know for sure that the real Gales weren't going to show up late? CLARA (BEAT) Excuse me? ENANT MANNING How were you so sure the Gales weren going to show up if you don't know the at all? Clara looks down at the table, furrowing her brow. PHIL Clara? CLARA Sorry. I... I lost my train of thought. PHIL Well, I can pick things up then. Phil notices Clara giving him a LOOK. PHIL (CONT'D) What? Why are you looking at me like that? CLARA (intensifying the look) I'm not looking at you like anything. doesn't pick up on it. Shrugs. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL OK, well, I had the same question for her when we sat down, which she thought was CRAZY- Rubbing her forehead, Clara KICKS Phil's leg HARD under the table. PHIL (CONT'D) OW! Jesus! Clara stink-eyes Phil AGAIN, trying to get the message across. PHIL (CONT'D) And there's that look again! CLARE? look! No. Looking. At all. RINGING. Lieutenant Manning reaches into his jacket pocket and checks the number on the cellphone. He hops up. LIEUTENANT MANNING Can you excuse me a moment? 41. E utenant Manning gets up and exits the room. Clara does to the window in the door and watches him walk down the hall to his office as he talks on the phone. Phil puts his leg on the table, pulling up his pant leg to inspect. PHIL OK, I'm not dense, Clara. That was not an accident and if those weren't looks- CLARA Phil, we're in trou PHIL What are you talking about? CLARA He's in on this. He's got something to do with it. PHIL The police guy? Clara, that's tota PARANOID- CLARA never told him about the Gale PHIL What do you mean? CLARA He said, "How did you know the Gales weren't coming." I never told him that was the name of the reservation we PHIL be I said it to the other CLARA He didn't take the other notes, Phil. Remember? s hil as well. PHIL Oh God. CLARA How do we get out of here? INT. ING'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Manning talks in his off ice. 42. E LIEUTENANT MANNING Uh huh. I know you don't. It will be contained. Right now. Hanging up the phone, Manning walks quickly back through the police station to the interview room. He stops in the doorway... .it's EMPTY. Confused, he turns to an OFFICER outside at the desk. LIEUTENANT MANNING (CONT'D) Where'd they go? OFFICER They said you were done with them. Manning walks quickly back to his office. Sitting behind his desk, Manning enters a password on his computer and starts typing out an ALL POINTS BULLETIN. We are CLOSE UP on the computer screen as the words come UP ALL LOCAL AND FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT... PHIL AND CLARA FOSTER... FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE... ARMED AND DANGEROUS. INT. TOWNCAR - LATE Clara drives as Phil scans the rearview mirror from the passenger seat. CLARA We can't just go to another police station, Phil! We don't know how big this is! It might not just be Manning! PHIL Well then we're screwed! Who do we go to? The FBI? The CIA? CLARA (SHAKES HEAD) They're not going to believe us over a Police Lieutenant! (REALIZING) Shit. This is their car, Phil. We gotta lose it too. Searching the street, Clara spots a OPEN PARKING SPACE. She whips the wheel around, trying to parallel park into the space. 43. RÏ¿½ U PHIL You've got it, Clara. Spin it back now! CLARA just let me do it, She spins too late and too severely, hitting the curb. CLARA (CONT'D) Dammit! I hate this! PHIL It's all right. You just should have spun it when I told you to. Flustered, she pulls back out and tries again. PHIL (CONT'D) rn! Quick! CLARA Would you stop it? You're stressing me out! Angry, Clara whips the car back into the spot, NAILING the car behind them and setting off a loud CAR ALARM WITH FLASHING LIGH` Â¢ Hearing the alarm, a LARGE MAN rushes out of a restaurant nearby, looking at them. LARGE MAN Hey! You just hit my The Large Man stomps toward them. PHIL Run! Phil and Clara get out of the car and run away on The Large Man marches over and inspects his bumpe yells after them. L Assholes! EY INS LAT They catch their breath in the alley. OK. So we've got no car. They know where we live. So where can we- (REALIZES SOMETHING) shit. 0 44. Clara's eyes go wide as it hits her as well. CLARA Ollie. Phil takes out his cellphone and quickly dials, listening as Ruth PICKS UP. RUTH (PHONE) Hello? Suddenly, GUNSHOTS RING OUT over the phone. PHIL Oh God! Ruth! Is everything OK? RUTH (PHONE) No it's not, Phil! PHIL What's wrong? RUTH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Feet up, Ruth eats Fiddle Waddle as she watches an action- packed CHASE SCENE on TV. Â¢ RUTH It's CSI night! Call after 11! Ruth hangs up the phone, shaking her head, and takes another mouthful of Fiddle Fiddle. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS Phil looks at the phone, incredulous. CLARA What's wrong? PHIL (STUNNED) CSI CLARA What? Just call her again and tell her what's happened! Phil dials the number again. Ruth picks up. PHIL Ruth, I need you to listen. We've SITUATION HERE- 45. INT. RUTH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS RUTH We sure do Phil! We sure do! Ruth slams the phone down and pulls out the phone cord so she won't be bothered again. EXT. ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER Clara tries on her phone, then hangs up, frustrated. CLARA Great, Phil. Now she's not picking up at all! PHIL You think this is my fault, don't you? T - ft (SIGHS) No. I just don't know why you two can't get along is all. PHIL You know, your Mom shows me no respect, 0 Clara. And you just pretend like it isn't happening. CLARA So you think it's j1y fault. Listen, Phil. Every single other boyfriend I ever dated got along with her just- (REALIZING) Wait a minute! Holbrooke Peterson! PHIL What? Clara starts looking through her purse for her phone. CLARK Holbrooke Peterson does something hush hush with the FBI! I think he even lives down here. PHIL Holbrooke Peterson? You mean the tongue guy? CLARA What? 46. PHIL Holbrooke was your prom date who you said had the really long tongue, right? CLARA (GIGGLES' ) Oh yeah. (catching herself, shrugs CASUALLY) Uh, yeah... something like that... She finds her phone and dials. PHIL Since when have you been in touch with Holbrooke Peterson? CLARA (SHRUGS) We found each other on FacebookÂ® PHIL Facebook? I didn't know you were on Facebook! CLARA It's a networking thing for work. Everyone's on Facebook. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL 0 yeah? Who else are you "in touch" h on Facebook? CLARA O PHONE) Hello? Holbrooke? Thank God you're there. It's Clara Foster... INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER THAT NIGHT HOLBROOKE PETERSON, a thoroughbred of a man in his mid- 30's, opens the door to his candlelit apartment with a smile to find Phil and Clara. HOLBROOKE Wow! Clara! You look exactly the same CLARA So do you! He gives her a big, tight hug, lifting her a little. HOLBROOKE You feel exactly the same too. Phil double-takes. Did he hear him right? 47. R1 U CLARA This is my husband, Phil. HOLBROOKE Ah! The man who actually landed Clara. Holbrooke gives Phil the up and down with a winning smile and holds out his hand. HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) Philly Cheese Steak. Nice to meet you. PHIL Um... yeah... I don't go by... it's 1 - usL Phil. Nice to meet you, too. HOLBROOKE Well, c'mon in. If you don't mind, take off your shoes. CLA. A Oh.Sure. HOLBROOKE Cutsdown on the cleaning. Which cuts downon the use of all those chemicals andplastics, blab blah blah. Reduces my CF. PHIL CF? HOLBROOKE Carbon footprint. PHIL Oh. The environmental thing. HOLBROOKE (CHUCKLES) Yeah, the "environmental thing," Phil. As they walk into the apartment in their socks, they notice the whole place is filled with reclaimed and recycled furniture and LIT WITH CANDLES. CLARA How beautiful. Or, the candles... Did we ERRUPT SOMETHING- Oh, no. I jus-_. --'-D.> myself off the gr a few weeks ago. PHI The grid? 48. 1Ï¿½1 HOLBROOKE Power grid. I actually have a negative carbon footprint now. Making up for, you know, all you "Phil"-i-stines in the suburbs. Holbrooke chuckles. Phil's about to say something when a look from Clara reminds him to bite his lip. Holbrooke gestures to some cardboard furniture. HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) So have a seat. Holbrooke starts to sit down himself, then makes a show of taking a LARGE GUN out of his shoulder holster and putting it on the table. PHIL Whoa. You carry that around at home? HOLBROOKE Yeah. I'm supposed to sleep with her under my pillow. (SHRUGS) Wish I didn't have to, but I just see it as... I carry the weight so citizens like yourselves don't have to. 1Ï¿½1 CLARA It's so funny. I always knew you'd end up doing something in public service. HOLBROOKE (SHRUGS HUMBLY) I don't know. That's lust how I Phil looks to Clara - can you get a load of this guy, but Clara's focused on Holbrooke. HOLBROOKE (V.0.) (CONT'D) Yeah, unfortunately, Terrence Stockton is not a man you want to get on the wrong side of. INT. HOLBROOKE'S LIVING ROOM - LATER Phil watches as Holbrooke licks the salt allllll the wav around his Margarita glass with his extra long tongue. Clara listens intently, eating some jicama slices from a platter on the table in front of them. HOLBROOKE He's like a Nicaraguan turtle - keeps his head deep in his shell unless he absolutely has to stick it out. Those photos must be really important to him. (MORE) 49. HOLBROOKE (COIN" D ) (NOTICING) 1Ï¿½1 More jicama, Clara? And sure no Margari-La to calm your nerves? CLARA No thanks, I'm Holbrooke picks up the plate and Margarita glass, then crosses to his INDOOR COMPOSTER, adding the extra liquid and scraps. CLARA (CONT'D) What does Stockton do? HOLBROOKE Officially, he runs a bunch of these exclusive private clubs downtown where his high powered friends go to let their hair down. Has one place called Le Passage, another called The Rainbow- CLARA e Rainbow! Stockton asked how we there to set things up! HOLBROOKE (NODS) Interesting. I've had some of my guys looking into Stockton for years, but nothing ever sticks to him. He's very careful - ties up his loose ends and covers his tracks. But with this... he might have accidentally left himself open. (BE The th need to do now is keep you two safe. I'm going to call the office, put you under some protection until we figure out the best game CLARA Should we be worried about our s HOLBROOKE (shakes his head) Wouldn't be Stockton's pattern to risk ing this any larger than it is. Where is he? CLARA I s staying at my m HOLBROOKE (SMILES WARMLY) Aw, how is Ruth? Always thought the world of her. 1Ï¿½1 50. CLARA And she of you. As it comes out of her mouth, Clara realizes and guiltily looks over at Phil BRISTLING. Holbrooke goes to a pile of already used sheets of paper and picks one up along with a pen. HOLBROOKE I'll just need your full names and your socials so I can get the paperwork started at the bureau. Not yours, Clara. Know that by heart. Both Phil and Clara are taken aback. HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) (CHUCKLES) Just kidding. But I'm sure Phil-a-buster knows 'em both, right? Phil looks on both sides of the paper Holbrooke hands him. PHIL Uh... there's already writing all over this. HOLBROOKE (B IG EYED) Does another tree really need to die for me to get your socials, Phil? Phil bites his tongue yet again, squeezing the writing into a side of the paper. HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) So just one kid, guys? What's keeping you? Clocks ticking Clara - tickety tock tuck. PHIL (WRITING) Yeah, well, that's a topic for another- HOLBROOKE It's just that by now, you and I woulda had a whole brood. PHIL (under his breath) That's... charming. Phil scoots the paper back to Holbrooke, who squints and dramatically turns it sideways. E HOLBROOKE w! Paging Dr. Illegible, egible to Emergency! Holbrooke and Clara burst into laughter. Phil STONEFACEDÂ® HOLBROOKE (CON T ' D ) L.O.L,, right? (thinking he doesn't UNDERSTAND) It's because you're writing's hard to read, Phil, and everyone knows how when doctors write things down- PHIL No. Yeah. I get it. Holbrook. makes a big show of putting his gun back holster as he gets up. HOLBROOKE We'll have you stay at the bureau for the night. Safer for you. CLARA Thank you so much, Holbrooke. (sighs, relieved) I feel like we're in good hands for the E first time tonight. As Holbrooke goes into the other room to call, Clara lets out a sigh of relief then notices Phil's mood. CLARE What's wrong? PHIL I don't know. Maybe I should have had one of Holbrooke's eeegerag warn raaaarrrrghereeeeetas. !NT. CAR - LATER Clam::- olbrooke in the front seat and Phil crt-- - in t=-ï¿½ back, they pull up and park at the FBI bui Aing m PHIL smells like french fries back here, HOLBROOK' Car runs on cooking oil. I just go around to restaurants and recycle their old fry oil. C 52. CLARA Phil's really had enough with this guy. Your goodness... where does it end? Clara shoots Phil a look he back, but Holbrooke doesn't get his sarcasm. HOLBROOKE (SHRUGS) How I roll. Now for some reason they wanted us to come in the back entrance. He makes a big show of putting his gun back in his shoulder strap before getting out of the car. INT. FBI WINDOW Through the window, we see Holbrooke, Phil, and Clara walking toward the back of the building. In the foreground, A SHADOWY GUY watches them, then whispers into his walkie. SHADOWY GUY Positions. FBI BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Holbrooke uses a KEYCARD on his keychain with a flourish to enter the rear of the building, then leads Phil and Clara through the doors. Suddenly he stops and Phil and Clara FREEZE behind them. At the other end of the hallway, an FBI UNIT in bulletproof gear trains their weapons on the three of them. AGENT #1 in the center, obviously the agent in charge, yells to them. AGENT Continue slowly down the hallway. sudden movements. Are they armed, Peterson? HOLBROOKE Uh, PHIL What the hell's going o HOLBROOKE I don't know. 53. E PHIL Well, tell them to stand down. HOLBROOKE Uh.. . PHIL Tell your men to stand down, Holbrooke. AGENT #1 His men? The Agents look at each other and chuckle. AGENT #2 What do you want us to do, Holbrooke? Reformat our hard drives? AGENT #3 Our badass I.T. guy! The laughter builds. CLARA I. I. guy? HOLBROOKE OK... I'm not the "I.T. guy." I help out E with computer questions out of kindness! But see if that happens anymore, Harold! AGENT #1 Alright, enough. Point is, Agent Peterson scored tonight. When I typed in those socials, an APB shot up with a whole laundry list on these guys. PHIL What? CLARA crooked cop did it! It's a lie! AGENT #1 It's your booking, Peterson. We're Just here to back you up. Holbrooke... Holbrooke looks nervously between the Agents and Phil and Clara. He turns to them, taking Clara's arm. HOLBROOKE Listen guys. I'll just book you and then tomorrow we can straighten the whole- 54. E CLARA (pulling arm away) What? Oh no you're not! Oooohs from the Agents. AGENT #3 You just gonna take that, Peterson? HOLBROOKE (PRESSURED) All right. Didn't want to have to- Holbrooke reaches into his holster to whip out his gun... .but BOBBLES it and it falls to the ground, right at Phil's feet. Looking down, Phil instinctively GRABS IT, holding the gun to Holbrooke's head. PHIL All right! Nobody move or he gets it! Clara's STUNNED. The Agents look at each other, but don't seem overly concerned. AGENT #1 Holbrooke has a gun? Why does he even â¢ have a gun? HOLBROOKE (TO PHIL) Listen, man. I'm not that important. I'm really not. I'm not the IT guy but I'm just one step above him! No reason to do something rash, all right? AGENT #3 You think it's even loaded? A` -. I don't. HOLBROOKE (FREAKED) loaded, guys! It's loaded! PHIL I'm not screwing around! HOLBROOKE He's not screwing around! He's not screwing around! Pulling a terrified Holbrooke, Phil and Clara back toward the rear exit of the building. They try the door, but it's locked. 55. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL Keycard. HOLBROOKE What? A FEW FBI AGENTS He wants your keycard. PHIL Thanks. He and I, the communication isn't great... Getting the keychain from Holbrooke, Phil uses the keycard then lets it fall to the floor as the door unlocks and they back outside. EXT. FBI BUILDING - CONT Phil and Clara back away, keeping Holbrooke between th and the agents. Through the door, Agents slowly creep down the hallway after them, guns trained. HOLBROOKE Seriously, Phil. I'm a bad shield. I promise. CLARA Wow, Phil! Phil feels a little pumped up with Clara's praise. PHIL Just give me your car keys, Holbrooke. When we're about to drive off we'll let you go. HOLBROOKE Uh, they were on the keychain. PHIL What? HOLB'?n`_ The key chain you dre-,~_d with the keycard inside. The keys were on that. And so the hero falls... PHIL Shit. CL AA we'll never outrun them. 56. Searching around, Phil eyes the KEYCARD PANEL outside the entrance. He aims the gun and FIRES, MISSING BADLY. Both he and Holbrooke cover their ears. HOLBROOKE AH! PHIL YOW! Man is that loud! As the Agents run toward the door, Clara quickly grabs the gun from Phil and shoots, nailing the lock. PHIL (CONT'D) (stunned, looks at her) How are you so good at that? The Agents try the door, but are LOCKED IN. Agent #1 tells his men to stand back and tries shooting the glass, but it's BULLETPROOF. He gestures and all the Agents rush around to the front. CLARA gotta get going! Quick! PHIL Where? They both look around, unsure. HOLBROOKE Across the bridge a few blocks down that street there's an entrance to the Green Line subway. Get on it and you can get anywhere in this city. Phil and Clara look at him, confused. PHIL Aren't you supposed to be our hostage? HOLBROOKE (SIGHS) Whatever. I don't know. Sure. What's the difference? I'm never gonna get behind that desk now anyway. my gun! I dropped it in front of everybody! PHIL It wasn't so much of a drop. it was more of a... bobble. CLARA Yeah, a bobble's bad... 57. HOLBROOKE Listen, if you just leave me here I can tell them you ran the other way. It'll buy you time to get there. And maybe I can work on clearing all this up for you. Phil and Clara look at each other, then start to run away. Suddenly Phil stops, thinking. CLARA What? PHIL Let me have the gun. As Clara gives it to him, Phil quickly runs back and hands it to Holbrooke PHIL (CONT'D) Here. Tell them you got it back from us. Holbrooke takes back his aun, grateful. HOLBROOKE Thanks, Phil. As Phil runs back, Clara takes in the nice gesture of husband. EXT RIDGE - A FEW MINUTES LATER A lit up raucous PARTY BOAT in a canal starts to pass under a roadway bridge up ahead as Phil and Clara, trying to stay in the shadows, walk quickly toward it. Phil glances back over their shoulders - the road is DESERTED. PHIL it's just on the other side of that bridge. I think we're going to make it. He notices Clara looking at him. PHIL (COND What? CLARA Nothing. That was just nice of you, back there. (BEAT) This is crazy, but you know what I'm, reminded of right now? PHIL Bourne identity? 58. CLARA I'm talking about right now. When we used to walk home late at night after going downtown to the clubs. We couldn't ever find a cab, remember? We'd grab those "healthy" dogs and cheese fries at the Weiner's Circle and go to the Adler Planetarium to watch the sunrise. PHIL Where I held your hand for the first time. CLARA I can't believe we used to stay up all night like that. PHIL It's because we could sleep 'til noon. CLARA (SMILES SLYLY) If I remember correctly, we weren't always "sleeping." Beat as they share the moment together, walking. PHIL I just don't understand when we got so... I don't know... CLARA Old. PHIL No, I was thinking numb. When did we become one of those couples that we used to look at in restaurants back then and think were so sad? CLARA We're not that bad, Phil. I just think we haven't been that honest with each other recently. Phil doesn't understa CLARA (CONT'D) Not big things. Just little things keep adding up and putting this thing between us. (BEAT) Like the fact I know you never want to talk about us having this other baby. 59. PHIL It's not that I don't want another kid, Clara. It's just... I used to be the whole pie with you. And now with Ollie and your work, I'm barely even a piece of the pie anymore. I'm, like, maybe a pecan on a piece of the pie! So part of me's not jumping at the chance of having the little pecan I have left of your attention going into some new baby's mouth! CLARA But that's crazy, Phil. When you're home you're the one who seems like your hardly even there! It's all about your work. Believe me, if you- Clara suddenly notices a POLICE CAR, lights off, drive past them over the bridge. CLARA (CONT'D) Shit! PHIL I think we're OK. Just play cool and keep walking. The patrol car continues across and down the street. 1ï¿½1 Phil and Clara breathe a sigh of relief. Then suddenly, a few blocks down, BRAKE LIGHTS. The patrol car turns around and TURNS ON ITS LIGHTS, zooming back toward them. PHIL (CONT'D) Now you can say shit. Phil looks around - they're in the middle of the bridge with no place to run. Then he notices the lit up PARTY BOAT coming out the other side of the bridge beneath them. PHIL (CONT'D) e 's only a few feet. CLARA What u high? No way. But looking main at the patrol car speeding toward them, Phil grabs Clara and dashes for the side of the bridge. CLARA (CONT'D) AH! 1Ï¿½1 60. As she's YANKED OVER THE SIDE, Clara CLUTCHES onto the railing. With Phil hanging onto her other arm, they DANGLE above the water and the boat. CLARA (CONT'D Ahhh! Are you CRAZY!?! PHIL Let go, Clara! CLARA A GROUP of DRUNKEN PARTIERS on the boat, spotting them, cheer below. Some even take FLASH PICTURES. Phil looks down - if they don't let go soon they're literally going to miss the boat. PHIL go or I'm going to tickle you! CLARA (DEAD SERIOUS) No you're not, Phil. We have a rule! tickling. I'm not- He reaches up and TICKLES Clara under her arm. She giggles. E CLARA (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Ah! Stop it, Phil! Ah! It's not funny! I mean- Stop it! Ah! Clara can't hold on any longer... EXT. BOAT They land - THUMP! - onto the top deck of the boat, both groaning as they roll back and forth while the Drunken Partiers CHEER and FLASH PHOTOS. PHIL Ow! I think I broke my butt. CLARA OW! OW! Dammit, Phil! What's our rule about tickling? PHIL I'm sorry! I didn't do it for pleasure! What is our rule? 0 61. PHIL (BLANDLY RECITES) "It's only funny if it's funny for the both of us." CLARA Right! And guess what? It wasn't funny for me, Phil! Clara gets up and storms off, clutching her arm. Walking down the side of the boat, she passes a MAN down on one knee in front of an EXCITED WOMAN, who nods, accepting his proposal. CLARA (CONT'D) (MARCHING PAST) B i g mistake! They look at her, stunned. A OTHER PART OF THE BOAT - M0_,'_= -1; LATER Phil limps along, finally finding Clara alone and calmed down, looking out over the rear of the boat. He comes next to her. Beat. PHIL T ' s your elbow? CL RA (SIGHS) 's OK, How`s your butt? PHIL Well, for jumping off a bridge onto a moving boat, not so bad. (SHAKES HEAD) I can't even fucking believe this is happening to us. CLARA You know, we're kind of running ou ons. PHIL Maybe we could just hide or something until this all blows over. CLARA What makes you think it ever wil PHIL iaybe we should just turn ourselves 1Ï¿½1 62. CLARA (SIGHS) Imagine what it's going to be like for Ollie when everyone hears about this tomorrow. I bet our pictures are going to be all over the papers. Phil nods, gazing out. Then suddenly an idea comes to him. PHIL Wait. What if we found the pictures? CLARA What do you mean? PHIL These pictures that everyone's after. we could get them we'd have some kind o bargaining chip to get out of this. CLARA But then we'd have to find the Gales. don't know anything about them. PHIL (THINKS) Except... the Rainbow. CLARA (CATCHING ON) The pictures have something to do with that place! PHIL Yeah, but even so, Holbrooke said these clubs are so secret you have to know where they are and how to get in- Clara rummages through her purse and grabs her phone, dialing, then notices Phil looking out, shaking his head. CLARA What? PHIL You're not listening to me again! CLARA "You have to know where they are and h to get in-" PHIL That's great. Clara wanna cracker? 63. C LARA I'm calling because of what you said, Phil. I know who can help us. Clara dials the number. CLARA_ (CONT'D) Hey Jane, it's Clara. (LISTENS) Where am I? (beat, looks around) I'm... I'm on a party cruise around Chicago. Oh yeah. It is turning into quite a night. Listen, we need to go to this club called the Rainbow later. Do you know how we can get in? Clara looks at Phil, excited, and nods as she plugs her ear and listens. Phil watches her until he notices the boat IS TURNING. He looks around the side. A slew of POLICE CARS on the shore. He taps Clara. PHIL ara... Clara turns and looks. CLARA Oh shoot. You know what Jane? I've actually gotta jump off right now. INT. TOUR BOAT - LATER POLICE swarm all over the tour boat, checking every compartment. A DRUNKEN PARTIER shows Lieutenant Manning SNAPSHOTS of Phil and Clara landing, groaning, and arguing on the back of his digital camera. A POLICEMAN comes up to Manning and shakes his head. LIEUTENANT MANNING Check again. Manning pockets the camera and starts to walk away. PARTIER Hey! That's mine, man! LIEUTENANT MANNING Evidence. The Partier mumbles "Asshole" as he stumbles Manning si i.s and looks out over the wa 64. E EXT. STREET - LATER It's WINDY and COLD as Phil and Clara, soaked, squeak and slosh down the street. Clara, missing one heel, dumps water out of her purse as she checks her cellphone. CLARA Mine's totally shot too. PHIL You got the info from her though, right? CLARA Yeah, but we can't get in looking like this, Phil. PHIL I don't think we have a choice. Not a big shopping hour. They walk past the 24 CHICAGO FITNESS CENTER, lights blazing. Windows show machines filled with young HARDBODIES working out. PHIL (CONT'D) Now if we wanted to do a little cardio, on the other hand. Who knew that many people worked out at 1 in the morning? Clara thinks a moment, then stops in her tracks and looks back up at the building. PHIL (CONT'D) You wanna do a little cardio? Clara smirks at him, then Phil, thinking, gets it. He shakes his head. PHIL (CONT'D) OK, now that's scary. You know you're starting to think like a real criminal? You know that, don't you? Clara waggles her eyebrows. We hear Devo's "Secret Agent Man" over a TrC _ GE . INT. 24 HOUR FITNESS CENTER - MONTAGE - Phil and Clara walk up to the front counter, where the GYM GREETER boredly watches TV. They say something and the Greeter waves them through without looking up. As they hurry on, the Greeter's TV goes to a PROMO TEASER for the local late night news: a SNAPSHOT of Phil and Clara from the boat with a caption that reads: BONNIE AND CLOD?!? 65. 1Ï¿½1 - In the MEN'S LOCKER ROOM, Phil pulls at the COMBINATION LOCKS, searching for an open locker. Unable to find one, he picks up a bench to throw it at them when TWO JOCKS in workout clothes walk in and look at him strangely as he holds the bench. Phil moves the bench back and forth, pretending it's part of his EXERCISE ROUTINE. - In the WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM, Clara, wrapped in a towel, blows out her hair at the mirror. An ATTRACTIVE THIN WOMAN walks behind her toward the showers and they smile at each other in the mirror. As the THIN WOMAN disappears behind the shower glass, Clara makes a MAD DASH for the lockers. - Back in the MEN'S LOCKER ROOM, Phil lingers as a MAN IN A DARK SUIT undresses, getting ready to work out. As the man is about to lock his locker, Phil rushes up to him, excitedly telling him something and pointing outside. The man, confused, exits, and Phil MOVES IN, quickly undressing. - The Attractive Thin Woman comes back to her locker and opens it. Her face drops. Inside hang CL A"S DRIPPING CLOTHES. - OUTSIDE THE GYM, Phil, looking slick in a colored shirt and black suit, walks quickly around the corner, then stops, stunned. Clara, waiting for him with her hair blown out and in a tight fitting RED FLAPPER DRESS with â¢ RED HEELS, looks AMAZING. From her expression, she feels the same about Phil. EXT. ALLEY - LATER Looking both ways, Phil and Clara walk nervously down a dark, derelict alley. PHIL Down here? JANE It's what she said. PHIL And if you die, does Jane get your commissic-l on the open house? Up ahead, a TWO S:_=:Y LOOKING CHARACTERS huddle near a bunch of GARBAGE CANS watching them, a SMALL FIRE nearby. Nervously, Clara approaches. CLARA Excuse me? Men shoot her a fierce look. E 66. CLARA (CONT'D) Um... do you know which is the way back to Kansas? They eye her, then inspect Phil up and down. One of them LUNGES, and Phil jumps back... but he's moving aside some trash cans, revealing a RAINBOW COLORED STAIRWAY going down. SHADY GUY #1 Welcome to the Rainbow. INT. THE RAINBOW - LATER Reaching the bottom of the stairway, Phil and Clara, amazed, take in THE RAINBOW. It's a CAVERNOUS ABANDONED SUBWAY STATION that's been converted into a GLAMOROUS CLUB. The place is PACKED with an elite looking CROWD. Everything in the room - the carpet, the tapestries, the clothes of the waitstaff - is EMERALD GREEN. Phil and Clara nod at each other then separate, disappearing into the mix. INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE RAINBOW - SAME Phil looks around, amazed as he wanders between BLACKJACK and BACCARAT tables, where well-to-do OLDER guests gamble large sums of money, fast looking WOMEN cheering them on. VOICE (O.S.) If you wanner be pissed at anyone about it, be pissed at Stockton... Hearing the name, Phil spots a BALDING MAN talking to 2 other MEN at one of the tables. He lingers closer. BALDING MAN You know, rumor is he's behind the whole mess. Raking it in on both ends. What do you mean? BALDING MAN Hush hush shell companies he owns. One of them hires all the construction inspectors. Another he's got rents all the construction equipment. The more one slows things down with violations, more the other takes to the bank. 67. The Balding Man leans in and speaks more quietly, causing Phil to lean in even more. BALDING MAN (CONT'D) My guess is he's trying to screw up Mayor Diggs' reelection. Imagine what someone like him could do if he got someone less "squeaky clean" in the Mansion. The Balding Man suddenly notices Phil listening. Phil pastes on an excited face. PHIL you! Gale, right? BALDING MAN What? PHIL Sorry. From the side... confused you with somebody else. Phil quickly moves on. INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE RAINBOW - Clara talks to a BUSY BARTENDER at the bar as he scrambles to fill drink orders. BA --Y_-_. really get s,-.y names. CLARA Thanks any-way. With a sigh, Clara starts away from the bar, when she FREEZES. ough the crowd, FRANK and HARRY walk right toward her - but they haven't seen her yet. Clara spots the KITCHEN DOORS nearby and rushes through. INT. KITCHEN - C vUOUS Clara peeks out through the double door windows. Frank and Harry continue through the crowd, unaware. VOICE (O.S.) Watch it! Clara quickly hugs a large bulletin board covered with pictures and time schedules as a WAITER carries a large tray of food past her. 68. As she moves off the wall, some papers drop. Clara pins them back on, when something else on the bulletin board catches her eye... .Among all the snapshots of staff scattered on the bulletin board is a picture of a backyard party with a whole group of laughing young people, and the middle of the picture, smiling at the camera... . is THE NERVOUS WOMAN FROM THE SIGNATURE ROOM BATHROOM. Clara pulls the picture off the wall. She catches a WAITRESS coming back through the double doors. CLARA Excuse me. Does she work here? WAITRESS Dora? I guess she still does. Hasn't been showing up lately, though. CLARA Do you know where I can find her? WAITRESS You could try back tomorrow, see if she- C I need to find her tonight. WAITRESS Did you try Ray's place? CLARA Ray? WAITRESS That sleazebag boyfriend of hers. He's got that place a few blocks from here where he used to throw those after work parties. CLARA Do you remember where it is? ANOTHER PART OF THE RAINBOW Phil scans the crowds, back and forth. MALE VOICE (O.S.) Phil! Hearing his name, Phil nervously turns. MR. RIVERS and GEORGE stand together in a corner. 69. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL (TO HIMSELF) hit. MR. RIVERS This is a surprise! What are you doing down here? PHIL Uh... well, same thing as you guys, I would guess. Working those "extra hours," right? CLARA (O.S.) Phil! Clara, looking amazing in her red flapper dress, weeds through the crowd. Mr. Rivers and George take her in, obviously impressed. CLARA (CONT'D) Phil, we gotta go. I found out where- PHIL ERRUPTING) Clara, you remember Mr. Rivers? Clara suddenly notices Phil's boss. Oh. Oh. Yeah. GEORGE And I'm George. CLARK Sorry, but I've got to steal him. We've gotta be somewhere else right now. MR. RIVERS At 2 in the morning? Where are you guys headed? PHIL (BEAT) I'm sorry, Mr. Rivers. We really can talk about it. Phil and Clara move off quickly through the crowd as Mr. Rivers watches the hand_ï¿½__e, dressed up couple, intrigued. MR. RIVERS Phil Foster with places to go he can talk about at 2 in the morning. (THOUGHTFUL ) (MORE) 70. MR. RIVERS (CONT'D) You know what makes kangaroos so damn dangerous, George? They look so sweet and tame, so you forget they're wild animals. Lethal when they want to be. George, not fully understanding, chuckles and holds out his hand for another handshake, but Mr. Rivers, still watching Phil, LEAVES HIM HANGING. CLOSEUP ON A TV MONITOR A TV MONITOR IMAGE of Phil and Clara making their way through the crowd to the exit. In the dark room, Frank and Harry look expectantly to the well dressed man in a dark suit, who absently twirls with two metal balls in his hand. MR. STOCKTON See where they take you. EXT. RUN DOWN ROW HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER Phil and Clara knock on the door of a the deserted looking row house. No answer. Clara tries the door... PHIL That never really- OPENS. She shoots Phil a look. PHIL (CONT'D) OK. Never mind. Phil and Clara inch insi RUN DOWN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS As they start down the dark hallway to the living room, Phil hunches over, hugging the wall. CLARA are you bent over like that? PI sneaking. CLA?.A Rut why don't you just walk normally and quietly? PHI This is the wav I sneak. You sneak in your way and I'll sneak in mine, OK? 71. CL (SHRUGS) OK. Fine. I was just asking. Clara walks quietly behind crouching Phil. Reaching the living room, they spot TWO PACKED SUITCASES on the couch. Suddenly, the DOOR SLAMS behind them and RAY holds a gun to Phil's head, DORA nervously next to him. RAY Talk! Who are you? PHIL You know, that's like the 5th gun I've had to my head tonight! Just lower that thing and cool it, OK? Off guard from Phil's reaction, Ray, confused, does. DORA She was in the bathroom at the restaurant! RAY Who are you? PHIL Who are we? Good question! Well, everybody thinks we're "the Gales" because we were lucky enough to take your reservation tonight! RAY (CONFUSED) What? Why would you take our reservation? Phil shoots Clara a look. CLARE Don't. RAY Both of you. Stand ov there in the corner. Dammit Dora, ere's your goddamn brother? He was E,.--,-Dc.-zed to b here an hour ago! I don't know, Ra_, He's not answering his phone. RAY Yeah, well, if these guys found u long do you think it's gonna take other guys? We're dead! DEAD! 72. E CLARA Excuse me. In the corner, Clara raises her hand. Ray eyes her strangely. CLARA (CONT'D) Sorry. I have to pee. RAY (FLUSTERED) You have to nee? Clara nods. Phil shrugs. PHIL That's my wife. Flustered, Ray waves Dora to take Clara. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Dora talks to Clara as she washes her face in the sink. DORA You must just think I'm awful. CLARA I don't think anything about you. I just want this to be over. DORA Ray saw Mr. Stockton making all this money blackmailing people at the club. When he found out who was interested in me... he said it would be so easy. We'd never have to work again. RAY (O.S.) HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO PEE, GUYS?!? DORA We're coming! INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME Ray peeks nervously out of the window, searching the street. PHIL Listen, it looks like things didn't turn out the way you planned, but I think all Stockton wants is his pictures back. As soon as he gets them I bet- 73. RAY E Stockton's pictures? You.think they're Stockton's pictures? (SMIRKS) You really have no idea what you've gotten into, do you? BOOM! The window SHATTERS and Ray and Phil hit the deck. As Ray starts blindly firing back, Phil crawls on his knees and elbows across the floor toward the bathroom. CLARA (O.S.) PHIL?!?! PHIL I'm OK! I'm OK! Ray spots Phil crawling away and gets up, turning to him. RAY Hey! Get- Suddenly, Ray is SHOT IN THE ARM through the window. He drops to the ground in pain, yelling and clutching his arm. RAY (CONT'D) Ahh! Â¢ Phil crabs along even faster. INT. BATHROOM Clara rushes to the bathroom door, pulling Phil inside and locking it. As Clara focuses on Phil, Dora thinks fast, taking an ELOPE out of her purse and putting it into Clara's bout them seeing. CLARA Oh God! Are you hit? PHIL No... just... a little ... winded... that... crawling's... tough... on the core... INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME As Harry kicks the gun away from Ray, moaning on the floor, Frank comes to the bathroom door. He lightly raps on it, then speaks softly. 74. LJ FRANK How about you guys let me in before someone gets really hurt? INT. BATHROOM Dora quickly opens the window and gestures for Phil and Clara to climb through. Just as they squeeze outside... BAM! The door handle's BLOWN OFF and Frank kicks the door in. He grabs Dora, rushing toward the window, but Phil and Clara are GONE. FRANK Dammit! Frank eyes Dora, then SHOOTS HER IN THE FOOT, sending screaming to the ground in pain. FRANK(CONT'D) You stay put. He hurries back through the house. FRONT OF RUN DOWN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Phil and Clara sprint to the street as a BUICK pulls up in front and a confused looking CHUBBY GUY steps CHUBBY GUY Hey? Which is 357 Maple Street? PHIL You're Dora's brother? CHUBBY GUY Who are you? PHIL You're late! CHUBBY GUY OK sorry! The roads are all screwed with all this construction- BOOM! They wince as a SHOT hits the rearview mirror of the car. All three spin to see Frank aiming his gun and marching toward them, Harry right behind him. CHUBBY GUY (CONT'D) Hey! Phil quickly pushes Dora's brother aside as he and Clara hop into the Buick and PEEL OUT. 75. Frank and Harry SPRINT for their Towncar down the block. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS Phil screeches the car around the corner. CLARA Phil! Careful! Phil WHIPS the car around another bend. CLARA (CONT'D) Please, Phil! It's not going to do any good if you- PHIL (taking another sharp turn) Clara! Please! Just leave the driving to me, OK?!? I know what I'm- SMASH! - they HIT something head-on, SHATTERING the windshield. Shaking glass off himself, Phil peers forward. They're face to face - nose to nose - with another broken windshield. In the driver's seat of a SOUPED UP HONDA h fiber-optic colored lights, a YOUNG BLACK DUDE â¢ stares at them in shock. BLACK DUDE No no no. Tell me you did not just do that. PHIL Shit! The Black Dude gets out of his car to inspect, head in hands. BLACK DUDE Oh, man! You did not just do that! Whew, you gonna be payin' for this! PHIL owe you one. Phil throws the car into reverse, but his tires just screech smoke, the wheels spinning in place. Looking out his window toward the front, Phil sees that THE SMASHED FRONT GRILL OF THEIR CAR HAS INTERLOCKED WITH ASHED FRONT GRILL OF THE BLACK DUDE'S HONDA. _-M The Black Dude comes toward him. 76, BLACK DUDE Oh no no no. You're gonna get outta this car and hand me over a license and some insurance. We gonna do this right. Man, I think I got whiplash and shit. A SCREECH. Phil looks back to see FRANK AND HARRY'S TOTnNCAR coming around the corner. PHIL Shit. Thinking fast, Phil jumps out of his car and hops into the Black Dude's souped up Honda. BLACK DUDE Hey! HEY! What do you think you're doing? The Black Dude chases after him, trying the driver's door, but Phil's LOCKED it. Phil yells to Clara. PHIL PUT IT IN REVERSE AND GUN IT, CLARA! CLARA What? That's insane! E Frank and Harry's car SPEEDS TOWARDS THEM. It will smash into them in seconds... PHIL I KNOW IT IS! BUT DO IT! Freaked, Clara hops to the driver's seat and switches to reverse, and guns it. At the same moment, Phil steps on the gas. The Black Dude, hanging onto the driver's door, SCREAMS as he's THROWN ONTO THE HOOD. The conjoined cars SHIMMY SHAMMY BACKWARD, just in time to dodge the Towncar. The Black Dude scrambles for his life through the windshield into the passenger's seat next to Phil. BLACK DUDE JESUS CHRIST! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!! PHIL NOW PUT IT IN DRIVE! CLARA Huh? BLACK DUDE JESUS! JESUS! 77. PH IL PUT IT IN DRIVE NOW! CLARA Phil, this is- BLACK DUDE JESUS JESUS! PHIL DO IT! (to Black Dude) AND YOU! CUT THE JESUS! Mumbling angrily, Clara puts her car in drive and steps on it. Their cars lurch then burn asphalt as the wheels smoke and speed up in the OTHER DIRECTION. They race past Frank again, who angrily whips the Towncar around in pursuit. Looking over his shoulder, Phil tries to steer their conjoined cars down the middle of the street, but he and Clara are out of sync and their attached cars veer :ildly back and forth. They hit the curb at an angle and -JcK DOWN a whole row of mail boxes until Phil spins h--'-s v;:-reel, getting them back into the street. BLACK DUDE Just let me out, OK? You can have it! 1ï¿½1 You can have it! PHIL (IGNORING HIM) DAMMIT! TRY TO KEEP IT STRAIGHT CLARA! CLARA STOP YELLING AT ME! PHIL I'm not yelling! I'm just talking in an very animated voice! Looking back over his shoulder again, Phil sees they're approaching the lar ge intersection with Michigan Avenue. PHIL (CONT'D) OK, now when I say so, spin your wheel! (BEAT) NOW! On his command, Clara spins her wheel sharply to t1- right., but it's the wrong way and their cars JACK across the road. An ONCOMING SUV honks desperately. PHIL (CONT'D) Ahhhh! Other way! Other way! 78. Flustered, Clara WHIPS her wheel in the other direction, and their two cars tilt up on four wheels (out of eight), barely screeching past. Landing again and taking in a deep breath, Phil shoots her a pissed off look. CLARA What? You just said spin the wheel, Phil! You didn't say which way. PHIL Yes I did! CLARA No you didn't! BLACK DUDE She's right! You di CLARA (VINDICATED) God! Thank you! Can we take him home? I need him! Both Phil and the Black Dude sees that the Towncar's turned onto Michigan Avenue and is still right behind E them. BLACK DUD Aw man! PHIL (TO CLARA) I say our best chance is to reverse again, then use both engines to floor as fast as we can all the way down Michigan. CLARA Why stay on Michigan? PHIL Why stay on Michigan? Because it's a wider street. LARA It's also a busier street! I think it would be better to try to branch off. PHIL (SIGHS) Why do you have a problem with every route I take? Flustered, Phil turns to the Black Dude next to him to commiserate, unaware that his STEERING WHEEL DRIFTS. 79. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL (CONT'D) She does this wherever we go! Every time! Phil doesn't notice the LIGHTS GROWING BRIGHTER behind him.. CLARA PHIL! LOUD HONNNNNNNKKKKKK. Phil and the Black Dude look over their shoulders to see they're heading straight for a DELIVERY TRUCK. PHIL, CLARA AND BLACK DUDE AHHHH! Phil SPINS the wheel sharply and they go SIDEWAYS, jumping the curb and soaring into MILLENNIUM PARK. In their car following them, Frank and Harry's -mouths drop. EXT. MCCORMICK ICE RINK The conjoined cars sail across the grass and SMASH THROUGH a barrier, landing on the MCCORMICK ICE RINK. Their cars PINWHEEL OUT OF CONTROL across the ice. Phil, Clara, and the Black Dude are all WIDE EYED as the world is a SPINNING BLUR around them. Finally, they hit the other side. Getting his bearings, Phil sees the Towncar has entered the park after them. He searches where to go next, then spots something. PHIL Clara! Reverse it, keep it straight put your foot to the floor. Give it everything! Clara reverses and Phil puts the car in drive and floors it. The car goes faster... faster... BLACK Oooh. I really woulc_n.'t be doing that. CLARA Doing what? What are you doing?!? Clara glances over her shoulder. Their heading strai toward a CONCRETE STAIRWAY. CL. (CONT'D) Oh God. 0 80. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL Just trust me! The conjoined cars HIT the steps and their wheels SMOKE as the TWO ENGINES POWER TOGETHER ALL THE WAY UP THE STAIRWAY! The Towncar tries the follow them, but its single engine doesn't have enough power. Swearing under his breath, Frank reverses back down the steps. EXT. CLOUD GATE Phil and the Black Guy both look back over their shoulders as they speed by Anish Kapoor's large metallic CLOUD GATE. No sign of the Towncar. The Black Guy holds up his hand for Phil. BLACK DUDE Ha HA! That last move was wicked, man. Wicked. They try to give each other a fancy handshake, but Phil, the WHITEST MAN EVER, muddles it up. PHIL â¢ Sorry. BLACK DUDE s cool. CLARA (SPOTTING SOMETHING) They're back. They peek again over their shoulders. The Towncar's driven around and is now BACK ON THEIR TAILS. BLACK DUDE Jesus! What the hell are you guys in trouble for? 'D R (SIGHS) f i ght... you name it. EXT. GREAT LAWN Phil and Clara's conjoined cars barrel across the gr ss of the Great Lawn in Millennium park, then SPIN onto Columbus Drive, the Towncar giving chase. 81 EXT. COLUMBUS DRIVE Phil peeks back over his shoulder then sighs, looking at Clara. PHIL Can we just try to work together at this? CLARA PHIL- PHIL I'm not blaming you. Please? Clara nods. PHIL (CONT'D) Now whatever direction I give you, take your normal version of it and tone it down like 85 percent, OK? CLARA 35 percent. Fine. PHIL OK. Small left. Now! E Clara breathes deeply and turns her wheel slightly lefts They ZOOM around the corner. PHIL (CONT'D) (LOOKING BACK) Yes! That was awesome! Perfect, Clara! Now give me a medium right. Do it! She does and they veer sharply and perfectly onto another street. CLAA Yes! BLACK DUDE Now we're cooking with fire! Now tiny le CL AP.A (HAVING FUN) You act it! They make the slightest turn. 1Ï¿½1 82. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL Yes! (spotting something ahead) No. BLACK DUDE Oh no. CLARA What? Clara turns around to look. LIGHTS FLASH as a BARRIER comes down across the road - A DRAWBRIDGE ahead is slowly rising. Phil looks behind - the Towncar's got them closed in. The Black Dude peeks back as well, then turns to Phil. BLACK DUDE say we can pop you guys up and over. PHIL H CLARA Excuse me? What are you talking about, "pop you guys up and over?" E BLACK DUDE You climb over, then we both reverse it and leadfoot the motherfuckers. Send you flying over the top. CLARA What? Sucking in a breath, Phil hands control of the car back to the Black Dude. As the conjoined cars zoom toward the drawbridge, Phil CRAWLS ON THE ATTACHED HOODS FROM ONE WINDSHIELD TO THE OTHER, sitting next to Clara. CLARA (CONT'D) Phil, don't even think of it. PHIL can do it. Clara. CLARA No, Phil. We can't! It's suicide! BLACK DUDE Here we go now... One... two... THREE! CLARA NO! 83. But Phil reaches over and switches the gear to reverse, stepping on Clara's foot to GUN IT. CLARA (CONT'D) AHHHH! The two cars SMOKE as their wheels spin in opposite directions, then DISLODGE. Phil and Clara's car flies reverse UP ONE SIDE OF THE DIAGONAL DRAWBRIDGE... .and LANDS SPINNING IN A FLURRY OF SPARKS OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE, causing AIR BAGS to deploy all around Phil and Clara. The Black Dude spins his steering wheel, jack-knifing his Honda across the road, and PUTS ON HIS SEAT BELT. Frank and Harry's eyes go wide as Frank jams on his brakes, but the Towncar CRASHES right into the Honda. ugh his broken window, the Black Dude grins at Frank and Harry. BLACK DUDE Hope you all got insurance. Hitting a button, he starts a FIBER-OPTIC LIGHT SHOW on his Honda. U INT. PHIL AND CL ARA' S CAR - CONTINUOUS As their car comes to a SMOKING, SPINNING STOP in the middle of the deserted road, Phil sandwiched in air bags, catches his breath. PHIL (INVIGORATED) We did it! We did it! A DOOR SLAM. Phil moves an air bag aside to see Clara MARCHING AWAY down the street. EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS Phil rushes after Clara, trying to catch up. Where are you going? CLARA I want to make sure that at least one our son's parents survives tonight! PHIL What? 0 84. CLARA You almost just got us killed! PHIL I see. I almost got us killed. Forget about the people chasing and shooting at us all night long because of the reservation you stole. CLARA There's a difference between fleeing from people shooting at you and knowingly driving a car in reverse over an open drawbridge! PHIL Unbelievable! You know, all you complain about is that I don't take risks anymore. Then the second I do, you get mad at me for doing it! I can't win with you! CLARA Poor Phil! You have i so bad, don't you! PHIL Oh, you have no idea! Every single day from the moment we wake up you're bossy, â¢ disapproving, inconsiderate- CLARA I'm inconsiderate? I'M INCONSIDERATE?!? Have you ever seen our bathroom in the morning after Tsunami Phil's blown through? The floor! The sink! You use my toothbrush. PHIL What's the difference? Afraid you're gonna get my cooties? CLARA I want my own toothbrush, Phil! Sue me! And how many years have I asked you to do a simple thing like put the toilet paper in right? PHIL Listen to yourself! You have problems with how I pqt in the toilet paper! C Because under makes no sense, Phil! Under makes no sense! When it's under it doesn't pull off right! It just keeps spinning and spinning and doesn't cascade properly! (MORE) 85. CLARA (CONTVD) After ten years of asking you to have roll the right way, you still can't do it! PHIL Yeah, how about the fact that I have not woken up with our comforter over me once in those 10 nears! You steal the whole thing away from me every night and mummify yourself. CLARA What? Phil, I do not "steal" the comforter. It just happens when we're- PHIL (points at her) Bulls Bull-shit. CLARA Don't you point that at me! PHIL I see your hock leg lock maneuver. Don't think I don't! (ILLUSTRATING) You wrap that leg around and lock the comforter down then reeeeel it in so I can't pull it at all. Â¢ CLARA I do not leg lock the comforter! PHIL Oh yes you do! CLARA u think I don't know your little icks? Where you leave like half a thimble of milk in the carton and put it back in the fridge so you don't have to be the one to "finish" it and replace it? PHIL You're right. I do that. You know why do that, Clara? CLARA Because you don't want to haul your ass to the market to buy it yourself! PHIL Because I'm afraid to! God forbid I the wrong kind of grass-fed bio homogenized whatever and meet your wrath! You're like the Nutrition Nazi. (MORE) 1Ï¿½1 86. PHIL (CONT' D ) And I've got to be your little Nutrition Nazi Goebbels because we have to be this "united front" with Ollie! What's wrong if he eats two bowls of Captain Sugar instead of one? Or if his handwriting isn't perfect? Or if he goes to school for one day not dressed like Finneas J. Nerdo! CLARA Poor Phil. I feel so sorry for you. I must be hard having to be the cool fun parent while I get to be the one who makes sure our child's fed, clothed and SURVIVES! PHIL How would you even know? You don't give me or anyone else a chance! You're so goddamn controlling! You've got to be Wonder Woman, keeping everyone in line, looking down on them from her fancy Wonder Woman plane and controlling everything with all her wonder superpowers! You paint yourself as this victim but you get off on being the superlady! CLARA Urgh! You know w sometimes I don't pay attention to you, Phil? Because you give me a headache! Clara angrily rummages through her purse then lets out a frustrated sigh. PHIL What? No aspirin in the wonderpurse? How could it be? Clara, furious, HURLS her purse at Phil's head. He ducks and the contents spill all over the road. CLARA Screw you, Phil! PHIL Yeah, fine! Sure! Screw me ! Even if I survive tonight I'm screwed all around anyway! Screwed with you! Screwed with my job! CLARA What are you talking about, screwed with your job? 87. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL was supposed to spend all tonight guring out a new brilliant plan for the fund so George wouldn't take it over tomorrow. Doesn't look like that's gonna happen! CLARA Why didn't you tell me? PHIL I don't know, Clara. Maybe because I didn't want you chiming in on how Mr. Rivers was right. He wants the new guy for all the reasons you complain about me! Someone who doesn't "play it safe." Someone who'll "take a risk." CLARA I can't believe that's what you think do. PHI Yeah, well... (BEAT) You know, when you set up this whole "magical" night, in that dress... I got this glimmer that it was going to be like it used to be with us. But... I don't know. I guess we're just not those people anymore. CLARA (BEAT) I guess we're not. Shaking his head, Phil turns and walks away do-- the street. Clara, trying to hold it together, h and starts to gather the items from her purse something catches his eye. She picks up the ENVELOPE that Dora put in her bag. EXT. ROADWAY - MOMENTS LATER As Phil walks along, Clara comes running up behind him. Phil! Phil! She steps in front of him, trying to catch her breath. PHIL I think we said all needs to be said right now, Clara. Panting, Clara holds out the manila envelope. 88. E CLARA This... this... this... PHIL What? CLARA (PANTING) Side cramp... Wow. She hands Phil the manila envelope and bends down, trying to stop her cramp. Confused, Phil opens it and looks at the pictures inside. His brow furrows. PHIL What is it? Clara looks over his shoulder, shakes her head and TURNS THE PICTURE THE OTHER WAY AROUND. Phil's eyes go wide. PHIL (CONT'D) Oh jeez. It's... it's... C It's the Mayor. Phil looks at Clara, taking it all in. PHIL (V.0.) I bet this didn't have anything to do with Stockton at first. EXT. DESERTED STREETS - LATER Phil and Clara walk quickly down the street as they piece things together. PHIL The Mayor must have gone to Stockton's club one night. He saw Dora working there and obviously gave some sign that he was interested. CLARA So much for "Mr. Squeaky Clea PHIL Her sleazy boyfriend Ray finds out and convinces her to take him up on it so they could photograph it and blackmail him. CLARA They knew it was an election year and he would have to pay them whatever they asked. 89. PHIL But somehow Stockton found out about the photos too and wanted that power over the mayor himself. CLARA So he sent his guys to the restaurant to intercept the Gales and get the photos. PHIL But Ray and Dora spotted them and bailed before the Mayor even had a chance to show up. Phil thinks. He snaps his fingers. CLARA What? PHIL If we could find some way to get in touch with the mayor directly, without anyone else knowing, there actually might be a way out of this for us. Clara thinks for a moment. A light comes to her eyes. CLARA can. DOORMAN BUILDING - LATER THAT NIGHT Phil and Clara walk into the lobby of the doorman building and start toward the elevator, straight past the NIGHT DOORMAN. DOORMAN Whoa whoa whoa. Where do you you're going? CLARA Oh, we're guests of Apartment 605 The Doorman picks up the phone to call the apartmen DOORMAN And you are? looks at him in shock. CLARA Are you crazy? It's 4 in the morning! We were lust out for dinner. Trust me 90. Â¢ DOORMAN I'm not really allowed to just let you up there. CLARA Please. Just look at us! The Doorman looks at Phil and Clara - a white, well dressed suburban couple. DOORMAN OK. Yeah. Go ahead. The elevator door opens and they get inside. PHIL Have a nice night. DOORMAN You too. ELEVATOR As the elevator doors close, Phil and Clara look at each other, then simultaneously slip PAPER BAGS with EYE and MOUTH HOLES over their heads. INT. MRS. CARDIGAN'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER Mrs. Cardigan, in her frilly nightgown with her eyemask pulled up on her forehead, walks through her dark living room toward the POUNDING on her front door. PHIL (O.S.) (THROUGH DOOR) GAS AK LADY! OPEN UP! MRS. CARDIGAN All right. All- As Mrs. Cardigan opens the door, Phil and Clara, in their masks, BUM RUSH her. Screaming, Cardigan dodges, running back to her desk. Phil and Clara give chase, but Cardigan grabs a LARGE METAL YARDSTICK and starts WHOPPING PHIL over and over on his paper bag head, screaming the whole time. MRS. CARDIGAN (CONT'D) AHHHHH! PHIL OW! OW! OW! Clara grabs her from behind, bringing her down. 1Ï¿½1 rubs his paper bag head. 9i. .7 PHIL (CONT'D) Jesus! INT. CARDIGAN'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER Having put Cardigan's eyenask back over her eyes, Clara, bag off, holds Cardigan in a chair as Phil comes back into the living room holding two spools of FUZZY YARN. PHIL I can't find any rope. Only yarn. CLARA Yarn? Fine. Just use that. I'll start looking. Phil gets to work, wrapping the yarn over and over, tying Cardigan's arms to the back of the chair, while Clara searches Cardigan's desk. MRS. CARDIGAN You two weren't very prepared. PHIL Excuse me? MRS. CARDIGAN E You should have been more prepared. Thought ahead and brought the rope you. PHIL OK, why don't you lay off the critiqu MRS. CARD---'--' 's not a critique. It's a fact. PHIL Oh is it a fact? MRS. CARDIGA? Yes. ng word choice. PHIL Wrong word choice? Unbelievable! Well, let me throw a little word choice "correction" your way. CLARA Partner! PHIL Five year old kids can't be "antagonistic." 92. E CLARA PARTNE Phil looks over. Clara makes the "Cut it out" gesture across her throat. CLARA (CONT'D) If you're done tying her up, come over and help. Phil crosses the room and starts going through notebooks on the desk. MRS. CARDIGAN The name's Cardigan, not Rockefeller, if you haven't figured it out yet! What idiots! PHIL You must be such a positive influence on our youth. MRS. CARDIGAN You're one to talk! CLARA Partner! (TO CARDIGAN) 1ï¿½1 Listen, lady, just sit tight and we'll be out of here before you know it. Phil picks up and flips quickly through a notebook, when he spots something and doubles back, starting to read. His brow furrows. Clara, deep in her own workbook, suddenly brightens. CLARA (CONT'D) Got it! She notices Phil's expression. CLARA (CONT ' D ) What? hands the book to Clara to read. She does and darkens. CLARA (CONT'D) Oliver told her he's being mean to Je y Briggs because... he says he wants to marry her? PHIL (NODS) And that's what married people do. 40 93. Â¢ As this hits them, Phil and Clara look at each other, then at Mrs. Cardigan, blindfolded in the living room. MRS. CARDIGAN (SARCASTIC) What's wrong over there? No "crown jewels" yet? CLARA Let's make the call, INT. MAYOR REYNOLD'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER The PHONE RINGS in Mayor Reynold's bedroom. He hops up and peers at the clock - 4:30 am - then at the caller ID. CARDIGAN, L. He looks over at his wife who snores loudly with earplugs in, then picks up the phone, confused. MAYOR DIGGS (INTO PHONE) Lucy? Is everything OK? INT. CARDIGAN'S APARTMENT - SAME On the phone in Cardigan's office, Phil is confused. PHIL Lucy? Who's Lucy? MRS. CARDIGAN I'm Lucy. CLARA (stunned', You and the Mayor are on a first name basis? MRS. CARDIGAN You're calling our Mayor in the middle of the night? (YELLS) I had nothing to do with this Charlie! CLARA Charlie?!? Lucy!?!? _ appened to "Â°boundaries matter?â =_.h? What happened to that, bitch? PHIL Hey "partner." How about you put a sock in it now. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) Who is this ? r1 94. 1Ï¿½1 PHIL You don't know me, Mr. Mayor, but I've recently come into possession of something that you were supposed to get from the Gales tonight. Silence on the line. PHIL (CONT'D) Hello? MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) (CLEARS THROAT) And? PHIL And whether you realize it or not, we ended up doing you a favor. You see, this man named Mr. Stockton - I know if you know him- MAYOR DIGGS (PH( I know who he is. PHIL Well, he tried to steal the photos from the Gales. He's even got cops on his payroll helping him out. We think he was planning to sabotage your re-election. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) So what do you want for them? PHIL What do we want? Phil looks at Clara. PHIL (CONT'D) We just want our lives back. We want to go home, Mr. Mayor. INT. MAYOR'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The Mayor looks over nervously as his wife stirs. She goes back to snoring and he whispers into the phone again. MAYOR DIGGS THAT'S PHIL (PHONE) That's it. Mayor Diggs breathes out and rubs his forehead. 0 MAYOR DIGGS E If you really can get me... what I was supposed to receive earlier without this getting out, I promise you I'll take care of your safety. PHIL (PHONE) But now the police think that- MAYOR DIGGS Trust me. Get me the photos and he won't be bothering you again. INT. CARDIGAN'S OFFICE Clara sees Phil furrow his brow, confused. CLARA is it? Phil's concentrating hard on something. Thinking. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) PHIL Uh... yeah. We'll meet you at the Adler Planetarium in 1 hour. Come alone. E INT. MAYOR'S BEDROOM The Mayor rubs his forehead. MAYOR DIGGS Of course. And... thank you. Click. The Mayor hangs up the phone and quietly leaves the bedroom. INT. MAYOR D'S HOME OFFICE Downing a glass of scotch, the Mayor sits at his desk and lets out a sigh of relief. Beat. He picks up his desk phone and dials. MAYOR DIGGS (PHOII ) We dodged a bullet. They calac _e . INT. STOCKTON'S BACK ROOM - S Mr. Stockton sits at his desk, staring at a blueish monitor screen. 1Ï¿½1 96. STOCKTON interesting. ON STOCKTON'S MONITOR in front of him we see that Frank and Harry hold a wounded Ray and Dora in the meat locker. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) They thought you were stealing the photos from the Gales to try to blackmail me yourself. MR. STOCKTON Did they, now? That's great. MAYOR DIGGS (PHONE) They're going to meet me in an hour with them. Alone. MR. STOCKTON st keeps getting better. ADLER PLANETARIUM - LATER Phil and Clara sit silently on the steps of the beautiful, old Alder Planetarium looking at dawn hitting the CHICAGO SKYLINE. CLARA Man, I love this city. Always have. PHIL When was the last time we watched the sunrise together? CLARA Probably the last time we were here. PHIL (THINKS) Nope. it wasn't. It was the morning that Ollie was born. CT,ARA ES) You're The morning Ollie was born. They look at each other, remembering. CLARA (CONT'D) Man, I'm starving! PHIL Me too. (PAUSE) Sorry you never got your truffles. 97. E Clara reaches into her purse. CLARA Who needs white truffles when you've got a lemon zest Luna bar. Clara breaks it in two and hands half to Phil. They click the halves together, toasting each other, then silently chew, looking out. Phil shakes his head and starts GIGGLING. CLARA (CONT'D) What? PHIL (GIGGLING) OK, what happened to us tonight? the hell are we doing here? Clara starts laughing too. CLAIRA It's not funny. PHIL No, I know it's not funny. It's not funny at all. CLARA en why are you laughing? PHIL Why are you laughing? They're both cracking up... then Phil notices a moment later that Clara's laughter has turned to PHIL (CON I Wha e gonna be OK, Cla CLP--P, A No. It's not that. just... this is nice. Right now. (tears up again) You don't understand... I really don't want to be Wonder Woman, Phil! I don't At all! (SOBS) You don't see that this whole time I'm flying in a glass plane! In a glass Mane! PHIL (BEAT) Uh, OK, but I think Wonder Woman actua flies an invisible plane, not a glass plane. 98. This makes Clara break into a bigger round of sobs. CLARA You see! It isn't even there at all! I don't even have a plane! No plane! I'm running on fumes! PHIL You're not running on fumes, Clara. CLARA I'm not trying to be uptight, or controlling! Or a nutrition... PHIL Nazi. CLARA Nazi! I'm just trying the only way I know how to keep everything from fall apart! PHIL It won't fall apart. And I really can help whenever you feel like it is. With Ollie. Whatever. You just never act like you need me to. CLARA That's because as it is you see us as a distraction from your work! PHIL You think I see you guys as a distraction? God no, Clara. (SHAKES HEAD) You don't understand... I have this wife who does everything better than anyone I've ever known. And the greatest son. You want to know why I obsess so much about my stupid job? Because I want to feel like... like I can do something good enough to deserve someone like you. I mean, I look at you and I jest don't stack up. CLARA That's crazy, Phil. You do. You're a god man. You're the best man I know. PHIL I'll never be the guy who remembers always put toilet paper on the right way. 99. CLARA I don't think I would really want to be with that guy, Phil. I just... want us to be on the same team again. As Clara sniffles, Phil takes this in for a beat. He nods. PHIL Listen, you know what I said before, about not being the people we used to be? CLARA Phil, we were angry- PHIL No, Clara. It's true. We're not. And I know I'm going to drive you crazy again, and you're definitely going to drive me crazy. But I wouldn't want to do it with anybody else. He hugs her tight. PHIL (CONT'D) We had a good fight tonight, didn't we? CLARA Yeah, we did. You know the worst part about not talking about all this recently? PHIL What? CLARA We missed out on a lot of make up sex. And our make up sex woulda rocked! PHIL You think? CLARA Oh yeah. Phil s when he spots something behind Clara. MAYOR DIGGS looks both walks from his car in the parking lot toward the--. PHIL Here we go. (BEAT) Tell me now. Do you need to pee? CLARA 1 hold it. 100. Â¢ They get up and start walking down the steps to meet him. EXT. BOTTOM OF STEPS - MOMENTS LATER Phil and Clara meet the Mayor at the bottom of the steps. Clara takes the manila envelope out of her purse, handing it to him. PHIL This is what you're looking for. I've tten down our information inside. MAYOR DIGGS And that's it? PHIL That's it. We're going home now. The Mayor nods, and Phil and Clara start walking past him toward the parking lot. Mayor Diggs stays behind, nervously tapping the envelope in his hand. As Phil and Clara get halfway to the lot, ALL THE MAYOR'S CAR DOORS OPEN, and Manning, Frank, Harry, and Mr. Stockton climb out. Frank and Harry pop the trunk and grab SHEETS OF CLEAR PLASTIC. Phil's eyes go wide. PHIL (CONT'D) Oh God. Run, Clara! Phil and Clara start to run, when a GUNSHOT hits the ground in front of them. They turn, when ANOTHER SHOT rings out. LIEUTENANT MANNING The next one won't be a warning shot. They look over to see Manning training a gun as he and Stockton walk toward them, Harry and Frank behind with the plastic. MR. STOCKTON (to Harry and Frank Let's do it over there. y and Frank quickly throw the plastic sheets down on the grass nearby. MAYOR DIGGS I'm going to wait in the c r don't mind. MR. STOCKTON Sure thing, Mr. Mayor. E As Mayor Diggs starts to walk back to the parking lot, he opens the manila envelope. Manning gestures for Phil and Clara to walk to the plastic sheets. PHIL Please. Please don't do LIEUTENANT MANNING Over there. PHIL Please! We have a child! 'VT MINING said over there! ï¿½J PH I L (BEGGING) Just me then, OK? I promise you she's not going to say anything! Please! We have a child! LIEUTENANT MANNING Last time I'm going to say it. Resigned, Phil and Clara sadly look at each other, then walk to stand in front of the plastic on the ground. 1Ï¿½1 LIEUTENANT MANNING (CONT'D) On your knees. Phil, scared, holds out his hand to Clara. She takes looking back at him and they kneel in front of the plastic, side by side. Mr. Stockton nods to Lieutenant Manning, who checks his gun. M A Y O R DIG GS (O . S . ) WHAT THE Mr. Stockton and Lieutenant inning turn. Mayor Diggs sifts through pages of DOCJ J:TTS that were in t h ''w Wila Envelope. PHIL -eally were planning to give you the pictures, Mr. Mayor. That is, until you -.sre so casual about is not needing to worry about the cop who was after us. That made me a little suspicious because I never told you which cop it was. CLARA Then we got to talking and realized how dumb we were. (MORE) 102. CLARA (CONT'D) E If you came on to some waitress at the Rainbow, you must have felt pretty darn comfortable there. PHIL Which meant Stockton was probably your buddy. MR. STOCKTON Where are the pictures? PHIL But we were still confused, because if you guys are buddies, how do you explain the Falconwood Corporation? Mr. Stockton's face blanches. MR. STOCKTON They're obviously not going to tell us! Just shoot them! MAYOR DIGGS Wait. I've heard that name. What's the Falconwood Corporation? PHIL Runs the hiring of inspectors for the Department of Highways in Chicago. You Â¢ know, the ones who have been finding all those violations? MR. STOCKTON Manning! I said shoot them! LIEUTENANT MANNING I work for the Mayor, Terrence. MAYOR DIGGS Why do you keep interrupting, Terrence? PHIL Maybe because according to the paperwork you've got there, he owns Falconwood. CLARA Not only that, you'll see those other pages that he also owns a cc=rpany called Eurostruct - which rents the city all of its construction equipment. MR. STOCKTON Frank, Harry! Frank and Harry reach for their guns, but Manning turns his gun on them. E 103. PHIL The more violations Falconwood finds, the longer Eurostruct rents the equipment. That turns into big bucks, Mr. Mayor. I'm sure that's not a moral problem for you, but he's kind of screwing you in an election year, isn't he? Some of us are pretty pissed off about the roads. Mayor Diggs flips through the documents, taking it all MAYOR DIGGS You did this to me? I don't get it, Terrence. Why? How much do you need? I have the Lieutenant here watch your back on all of your gambling clubs- MR. STOCKTON Oh, do you mean the ones that you gamble at? Where I cover your debts? Those clubs? MAYOR DIGGS I slipped your company 5 no-bid foreclosed buildings for a dollar each downtown. MR. STOCKTON â¢ You think that pays for what I do for you? The girls I have to pay off? The jet charters? And let's not even get into your "re-election fund"! Let's not even go there! PHIL ( `TIKES HEAD) Listen to them. Stockton angrily pulls his own the gun out of his jacket pocket, shoving it against the back of Phil's neck. MR. STOCKTON How did you get this? How? HOLBROOKE (O.S.) Tha be from me. Mr. Stockton and others turn around to see HOLBROOKE P_IF SON, brandi= --.g his gun and looking like the FBI he always -t e_' to be, leap -= a pack of Cher AGEN=IS as they JT OF THE L '_:I T"_ : RIU? STEPS. HOLEROOK E (CONT ' D ) FBI! Drop it! 104. Manning tried to object, pulling out his bad HOLBROOKE (CONT'D) Yeah, yeah. I know all about you, buddy. With a smile Phil and Clara get up, disconnecting the WIRES under their clothing. Seeing them hand over the wires to Holbrooke, it hits Mayor Diggs what he's just revealed. MAYOR DIGGS Aw fuck. PHIL (SHRUGS) Makes you feel any better, I wasn't gonna vote for you anyway. CLARA either. EXT. FRONT OF PHIL AND CLARA'S HOUSE - MORNING As Holbrooke drops Phil and Clara off in front of their house, his BLACKBERRY buzzes and he checks it. Â¢ CLARA Everything OK? HOLBROOKE Yeah. They just need me downtown in half an hour for a news conference with the Deputy Mayor. Want it for the morning shows. PHIL Don't think they're going to be calling you the IT guy any-more. HOLBROOKE Listen guys, I feel weird about not even acknowledging you two. CLARA Don't. HOLBROOKE But you should be up there with me. You handed this whole case to me. PHIL (smiles, winks) Yeah, well-, that's how we roll. They get out of the car and start up the driveway. 0 105. Â¢ EXT. DOORSTEP - DAWN As Clara opens the front door, Phil slowly bends down, picking up the morning paper. CHAZ (O.S.) Hey hey! Up bright and early, aren Phil looks over to see his overly cheery neighbor Chaz in his jogging suit. He smiles, appreciating Chaz for the first time. PHIL Yep. We sure are. As he joins Clara on the doorstep, they take each other in. CLARA You have your presentation in a few hours. PHIL (SHRUGS) Yeah. You know, I think I'm gonna be OK. CLARA Â¢ I had a good time tonight. PHIL Yeah. Me too. It was fun. CLARA It was. PHIL So... let's do this again sometime? CLARA (SMILE) like that. For the first time the whole night, THEY KISS. Interlocking fingers, they head inside, closing their front door behind them. FACE OUT. THE END

ï»¿ DAVE BARRY'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS Written by Jeff Arch From the book by Dave Barry February 2nd, 2004 FADE IN: EXT. MIAMI - OCEAN AVE, SOUTH BEACH - DAY Blazing sun. MUSIC everywhere. Everybody's living la vida. LEOPOLD (V.0.) And we're good to go. TWO MEN come out of the BEACON HOTEL. Loud Hawaiian shirts, walking a Chihuahua. They pause; take in the scene on Ocean. Adjust their EARPIECES. LEOPOLD (V.0.) Proceed to first checkpoint and hold. They thread their way to the corner... across the street.. .onto the Promenade. Under fat shady palm trees, to a CLEARING -- CUT TO: EXT. THE ROOF OF THE BEACON HOTEL - CONTINUOUS AGENT STEARNS has a RIFLE with a kick-ass scope. AGENT LEOPOLD watches through binoculars; talks through a collar mike. LEOPOLD Okay sit tight. Company's coming. THROUGH BINOCULARS NOW, as TWO DEADLY MEN approach like barracudas. A THIRD GUY, BEHIND THEM, the KINGPIN they're protecting. Then as TREETOPS BLOCK THE VIEW -- LEOPOLD Shit. Hang on. Leopold scans, looking for them. Searching, until he FINDS -- LEOPOLD WHOA -- The Hawaiian Shirt Guys hear that. The SEE the Barracudas, getting nearer; steal a look at the roof... CUT TO: POV FROM ROOFTOP - THROUGH BINOCULARS - A FANTASTIC BLONDE rinses off at an outdoor shower. Beads of spray skip off her like diamonds in the sunlight. 2. STEARNS Oh, mama. She bends, twists; water streams down every delicious curve. LEOPOLD She sure is taking her time... STEARNS She must be really salty... LEOPOLD (shakes his head) It's not just the salt. She's got sunscreen on. Then the sand gets on that, and it sticks... (then still watching) Hell, one time I was in Hawaii? And these three models -- STEARNS Wait a minute. (looks at him) Hawaii. LEOPOLD -- Shit! He WHIPS THE BINOCULARS back: but all that's left is the Chihuahua. Then, walking into the spot -- DAVE Hi, I'm Dave Barry. Has something like this ever happened to you? (bends down to pet THE CHIHUAHUA) Because if you're a guy - or if you know someone who is - then what you've just seen should look pretty familiar. He picks up the Chihuahua, starts walking with it. DAVE Scientists call this condition "Lust Induced Brain Freeze." It affects millions of guys, every day, in all walks of life -- causing anything from a mild embarrassment, to an international incident. He stops. Finds LEOPOLD and STEARNS and SEVERAL OTHER AGENTS pointing GUNS at him. 3. LEOPOLD Hand over the dog. DAVE Hey. I didn't even know it was a dog. They take it from him; rush it away. Dave turns to CAMERA. DAVE Notice I didn't say it's a condition that affects men every day -- only guys. And that subtle but important difference is one of the things this movie is about. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A HUSBAND and his WIFE. He has suitcases by the front door. WIFE You'll never get away with this. I'll sue you down to your last penny. HUSBAND Good luck - I transferred everything we own into private accounts, where you can't touch it. In fact, as of now, you're broke. WIFE But...why? HUSBAND I've fallen in love with another woman. A younger woman. Prettier, with no cellulite. Actually, I think you'd like her. WIFE You bastard. The IMAGE FREEZES. Dave walks into the room. DAVE Now clearly, this woman is dealing with a Man. (MORE) 4. DAVE (CONT'D) Whereas Guys aren't capable of doing anything like what you just saw. Guys are more like this: CUT TO: INT. A BAR/RESTAURANT - NIGHT A DIFFERENT HUSBAND sits across from his WIFE. Above and behind her is a TV with SportsCenter on. WIFE I just want you to know, I've thought about this a lot. GUY HUSBAND Mm. WIFE And I've talked it over with everyone I know. GUY HUSBAND (NODS) Good. She looks down; stirs her soda. WIFE So there's nothing left to do now, but leave you, forever, and only see you from across a shiny conference table with bloodthirsty lawyers all around it. GUY HUSBAND (a beat; turns to her) -- Okay. WIFE "Okay?" That's all you have to say? (then watching him) Well then I guess this is it. She pushes back from the table, starts off. GUY HUSBAND Wait a minute. (THEN) This can't be happening... The words she's waited for. She turns, relieved. GUY HUSBAND (to the tv) How can you dQ that? How can you trade Lupenza? (then to the BARTENDER) What's the matter with these people? BARTENDER Beats me. I saw this on the eight o'clock. GUY HUSBAND He's the backbone of the whole team! They're pikers without Lupenza! WIFE I'll see you in court. GUY HUSBAND -- I gotta call Lenny. He takes out his cell phone. She levels a look. WIFE Maybe you should call your lawyer too. GUY HUSBAND If he could hit left-handed pitching, I would. (THEN) Lenny. Pick up -- the Yankees got Lupenza! The IMAGE FREEZES. CUT TO: EXT. A FRONT PORCH - DAY Two OLD PEOPLE on a glider. LENORE talks directly to CAMERA. ALBERT'S absorbed with some device that we can't see. LENORE Well when I met him, I didn't know so much. About guys, or men or what have you -- we just didn't talk about such things then. In fact, I didn't see him naked until quite well into our marriage. When was it Albert? 6. ALBERT A year ago. By accident. LENORE Anyway. I thought I was marrying a man, but didn't know that in his heart, he was a guy. DAVE (O.S.) When did you first suspect? LENORE Not long after the wedding. But it didn't bother me. I just didn't know how to recognize the signs. But we've learned to live with it. Haven't we, Albert? (then after a beat) Albert. ALBERT It's twelve hundred and thirty-one miles from this spot right here, to Cleveland. LENORE What does that have to do with anything? He holds up the device - handheld GPS. ALBERT Six hundred fifty-one from Atlanta. LENORE Who cares how far we are from Atlanta? ALBERT You have a cousin there. LENORE Albert. There's a person here asking us questions. There's a film crew here. He looks up at the CAMERA, as if just noticing someone there. Then holding up the GPS -- ALBERT You. Where do you live. DAVE (O.S.) Here in Miami. ALBERT What part. Lenore buries her head. CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI BEACH - DAY Dave walks down a crowded street. Colorful day life. DAVE Like a lot of big cities, Miami is known for its sizeable population of guys. So we came here to take the city's pulse on the subject. CUT TO: INT. A SECRETARY'S OFFICE CUBICLE - DAY A young, pretty, single SECRETARY. SECRETARY Let me put it this way. Everyone I ever dated was a male. I mean they were all men. But only some of them were guys. You know? DAVE (O.S.) I see. SECRETARY (thinks about it) -- The guys were funnier. But the men were more responsible. You could almost half-believe them when they told you something sometimes. DAVE (O.S.) So, if you were to meet someone that was funny and responsible... SECRETARY That would be a woman. CUT TO: EXT. EQUESTRIAN ESTATE - STABLES - DAY A 20-ish HORSE GROOMER talks to the CAMERA while she combs out a mane. 8. HORSE GROOMER Well guys, they're sort of like your older brother. And men are like your dad. DAVE (O.S.) In what way? HORSE GROOMER Your older brother doesn't have to grow up. Your dad came that way. CUT TO: EXT. BARN - DAY Dave walks out of the barn towards CAMERA. DAVE So now you have some background on basic guy attributes. But before we move on, let's look at one more scene and see where you stand -- CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "ROGER AND ELAINE" INT. ELAINE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY ELAINE works at a window desk. ROGER watches NFL on FOX. JOHN MADDEN (ON TV) -- now that's the kind of middle linebacker you like to see. He's got the mud all over him, he's got the bleeding knuckles, he's got the clumps of grass all jammed in his HELMET -- ELAINE Roger? ROGER (to the tv) Oh man you gotta show that again Shepauses; chews her pen... ELAINE Roger...I think I really love you. (MORE) 9 ELAINE (CONT'D) (looks over there) But I can't bear the uncertainty anymore, of where this relationship is going. Roger turns... ELAINE I'm not asking whether you want to get married. Only whether you believe that we have some kind of a future together. That you, and I - have a future. JOHN MADDEN Now this is just what you want in a playoff game. You got snow, you got mud, you got a lead that keeps changing, you got two great teams that just hate each other to the bone and would rather die than give up... Roger looks...then takes the REMOTE and TURNS OFF THE TV - waving Elaine over, who cuddles into him. ROGER I've been thinking too, Elaine. And for the first time in my life, I'm feeling like I might really be close to a lasting commitment. I haven't said anything up until now because it's always been important to me that I not mislead you. But yes, Elaine. I want to think that we dQ have a future. And with a little more time, I think I could be sure. ELAINE Oh, Roger... He smiles. Strokes her hair and pulls her in even closer. They share a long deep sigh together, As the PICTURE FREEZES and DAVE WALKS IN. DAVE If this was how you responded, you're not a guy. You may not even exist. (then taking the remote) On the other hand... 10. ROGER AND ELAINE DIGITALLY REWIND BACK TO THEIR EARLIER POSITIONS. DAVE RESTARTS THE ACTION AS ELAINE IS SAYING -- ELAINE I'm not asking whether you want to get married. Only whether you believe that we have some kind of a future together. That you, and I - have a future. (then looking at him) Roger? ROGER (engrossed in game) What. FREEZE on her look, and -- DAVE (TO CAMERA) If that was you...you're a guy. CUT TO: INT. A DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT SHERYL CROW talks to the CAMERA before going onstage. The muffled SOUNDS of the warmup band O.S. SHERYL CROW Well there were always guys at my shows - right from the beginning. I mean you start out playing beer halls, right? So when you have beer, you have guys. And it sorta just grew from there. But I was okay with it. They didn't cause much trouble. DAVE (O.S.) And what about men. SHERYL CROW Men cause trouble. (THEN) But that's okay too. I get half my songs from that. DAVE (O.S.) So it all works out. 11. SHERYL CROW Long as they buy the records... CUT TO: INT. MIAMI PUBLIC LIBRARY - DAY Dave walks along the stacks in the ANTHROPOLOGY SECTION. DAVE So where did this all start? Many experts now think they know where men came from, but what about Guys? where did they come from? He stops, peels off a THICK BOOK full of science things. DAVE To answer this question accurately, we might have to look something up. So instead we'll travel back to prehistoric sub-Saharan Africa, and get there just in time for the Dawn of Guys. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE DAWN OF GUYS" CUT TO: EXT. PREHISTORIC AFRICA - MOONLIGHT The endless expanse. A cluster of caves. SOUND EFX of all kinds of nasty shit out there. Skittering over rocks. Slithering through the grasses. Bigger predators, circling... A ROOSTER cocks his head back and CROWS out. CUT TO: TNT. ONE OF THE CAVES PRIMATE ROGER opens one eye...SEES PRIMATE ELAINE, PRIMATE KIDS and PRIMATE IN-LAWS. Hairy grunting things, all sleeping in a protective clump... 12. He rolls over, back to sleep. But the ROOSTER CROWS again... CUT TO: THE ROOSTER, COOKING ON AN OPEN FIRE CUT TO: EXT. THE CAVES - MORNING PRIMATE ROGER comes out. A sleepy nod at PRIMATE GENE and OTHER PRIMATES, as they take up LARGE JAGGED ROCK SLABS leaning against their caves and start off. In a few million years they'll be leaving suburban driveways this way. EXT. TRAIL FROM CAVE AREA - CAVES IN B.G. - MORNING PRIMATE ROGER and PRIMATE GENE have joined PRIMATE LENNY and PRIMATE PHIL. All carrying their slabs of jagged rocks. PRIMATE ROGER Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt! (SUBTITLE) 0 -- and that's why wildebeests are so mean. PRIMATE GENE Grunt grunt!0 Ha ha! PRIMATE LENNY Grunt grunt grunt! 0 That's really funny! PRIMATE PHIL Grunt ...0 I don't get it... The other three look at him. EXT. THE CAVE AREA - DAY PRIMATE WOMEN work in stooped-over positions, trying to pound roots and tend fires while BABY PRIMATES crawl all over them. They HEAR the Primate Guys' laughter trailing off. They trade looks; Something seems to pass between them... EXT. HUNTING GROUNDS - DAY Primates Roger, Gene, Lenny and Phil get to the grounds and SEE PRIMATES PETE and LOUIE already there. These two don't have the rock slabs though. 13 PRIMATE ROGER Grunt grunt?0 Whassup? PRIMATE PETE Grunt grunt grunt. 0 Nothing. We've been hunting. PRIMATE GENE Grunt grunt? 0 Where are your jagged rock slabs? PRIMATE LOUIE Grunt? â Slabs? (looks at Primate PETE) Grunt grunt grunt? â Who needs slabs? Primate Pete laughs with him; then holds up a ROUND ROCK, about the size of a grapefruit. Primate Roger and Primate Gene trade looks with Primate Lenny and Primate Phil. Grunting/subtitles continue. FIRST FOUR PRIMATES Ooooohhhh. Ooooohhhh. PRIMATE ROGER Where'd you get that? PRIMATE PETE Primate Discount Manny. He just got them in. PRIMATE ROGER Mind if I have a look? PRIMATE PETE Be my guest. He hands it over. Primate Roger lays down his jagged rock slab to check it out. His buddies gather round. PRIMATE GENE How do you kill an animal with that? PRIMATE LOUIE You throw it. 14. PRIMATE LENNY You mean you don't chase the old ones until they get tired and then hit them with the jagged rock slabs? PRIMATE PETE (shakes his head) You can stand in one place all day. And when they go by, you just let loose. He shows a throwing motion. The first four look intrigued. PRIMATE LOUIE You can carry more than one - and if you're throwing uphill, it rolls back down if you miss. It's so much easier with these. PRIMATE GENE -- I'm sticking with mine. (then off their looks) We've been using these jagged slabs forever. And you know why? Because they work. And anyway, killing them is only half of it -- how are you gonna skin a wildebeest with that? They look at Primate Pete: Yeah, how? But he's there. PRIMATE PETE We get the women to do it. They look among themselves. They like it. But then. PRIMATE ROGER How? PRIMATE PETE -- I'm working on it. CUT TO: EXT. THE CAVE AREA - SUNSET The PRIMATE WOMEN are still, pounding roots and tending fires and dealing with climbing PRIMATE KIDS. They HEAR SHOUTS O.S.; gather and go to the ridge where they SEE POV FROM RIDGE -- The PRIMATE GUYS are coming back, without their jagged slabs and without any animals. But they are having great fun: 15. running in primitive patterns, and throwing one of the ROCKS back and forth and chasing whoever has it. It looks like the beginnings of rugby, or Australian Rules Football, in terms of all they need now is beer. The PRIMATE WOMEN watch. And trade looks. Once more, something seems to pass between them... CUT TO: INT. PRIMATE CAVE - NIGHT Primate Roger and Primate Elaine try to keep it down for the Primate Kids' sake. PRIMATE ELAINE (grunting, subtitled) Please don't tell me you got rid of your jagged rock slab. PRIMATE ROGER But these are great! PRIMATE ELAINE But you didn't kill anything. PRIMATE ROGER Nobody's going with jagged slabs anymore. PRIMATE ELAINE But the kids are hungry. PRIMATE ROGER What about your pounded roots? PRIMATE ELAINE Pounded roots are a side dish. They need balance in their diets. (then off his look) And another thing - suppose you do start bringing animals home using this -- who's going to skin and clean them? He looks at her-the SOUND of TOMORROW'S ROOSTER CROWING as CUT TO: EXT. THE CAVE - MORNING Primate Roger comes out of the cave, with his rock. He gives it such a look. 16. Then looking up at the sky he hurls it, up as high as he can... AND THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THE ROCK, UP, UP, IN SLOW MOTION, PEAKING, THEN STARTING ITS DESCENT BACK TO EARTH -- ONLY NOW IT'S NOT A ROCK BUT A WINDOWS -- CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- which ROGER is holding, across from ELAINE on the couch. ELAINE Five hundred dollars? ROGER It can hold a thousand addresses. ELAINE So can my address book. ROGER Can your address book pick up your em-ail? ELAINE No but my computer can. ROGER Well this can do both. ELAINE For five hundred dollars it should give me a manicure, Roger! It should drive me home from work at night! HOW could you spend that kind of money without discussing it first? On Roger's look...the PICTURE FREEZES. Dave walks in. DAVE There's a whole list of things a guy is supposed to discuss first. Unfortunately, he never knows what they are until he's already not discussed them. (MORE) 17. DAVE (CONT'D) To a girl it's a pain in the butt. But to a guy - some things just come naturally... CUT TO: EXT. THE PROW OF A SHIP - DAY Shrouded in fog. EXPLORER ROGER scans the horizon through a spyglass. Next to him is long-suffering EXPLORER ELAINE. EXPLORER ELAINE Well did you ask? EXPLORER ROGER This is a shortcut. Explorer Elaine shakes her head. Dave enters. DAVE There's a very simple reason why guys don't ask for directions. It's because they know that if they do, someone else - most likely Visigoths - will come and steal their woman. CAMERA PANS to the side rails, where a CLUSTER OF HUNGRY VISIGOTHS nod, slobbering, confirming this. EXPLORER ELAINE I just want to get to Colonial America. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUYS IN COLONIAL AMERICA" EXT. BOSTON HARBOR - NIGHT A bunch of GUYS dressed as Indians are throwing barrels into the water. A COLONIAL REPORTER interviews COLONIAL ROGER. COLONIAL REPORTER -- and this is your way of expressing the public outrage over the high- handed anti-democratic actions of the British Government in general and King George III in specific? COLONIAL ROGER (looks a little nervous) Uh, yeah. 18. COLONIAL REPORTER Might I ask, sir, whose idea was this? COLONIAL ROGER (POINTS) Guy over there. COLONIAL REPORTER The one drinking coffee? COLONIAL ROGER That's him. His name's Starbuck. He said to get rid of all the tea. COLONIAL REPORTER (NODS; THEN) I see. One more question. Aren't those Greek fraternity letters painted on your chest? The Guy looks; GREEK LETTERS in greasepaint. COLONIAL ROGER I didn't do that. (then as the Reporter WAITS) Don't tell anyone. CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY FOUR MIAMI GIRLS, ethnically cross-sectioned. LILA. MIA. SIDRA. KARLA E. LILA Well that's pretty much how it is right now, right? They don't grow up. Or, they grow up, but they don't change. MIA (NODS) You want to know how to spot a guy, there's your first clue: Look for an otherwise man who did not grow up. SIDRA No they grow up all right -- but only just enough - you know? (MORE) 19. SIDRA (CONT'D) Like they'll meet the absolute minimum requirements of being a man, but that's it. The rest of the time they're fourth-graders. Walking fourth-graders. KARLA E More like driving fourth graders. SIDRA With credit cards. LILA And a phone. MIA And give them ten minutes on their own? Or put them in with other guys? Now you've gone nuclear. KARLA E Please. CUT TO: EXT. BURGER KING - DAY The lot is filled with 60's and 70's cars. Dave gets out of a CHEVY VEGA; has mutton-chop sideburns, talks to CAMERA. DAVE In learning to understand Guys today, it's important to remember that these same guys, only yesterday, were just kids. CUT TO : INT. BURGER KING - DAY A table of 8 YEAR OLD BOYS: punching, eating, climbing all over each other. One poor luckless DAD with them. BURGER KING DAD Stop punching! BURGER KING KID We're not punching! BURGER KING DAD You are too punching - now stop! We didn't come here to punch! 20. They stop; look at him as if he's crazy. Then one of them notices ROGER AT 8 looking O.S. BURGER KING KID Hey Roger's got a girlfriend. ROGER AT 8 I do not! BURGER KING KID Then what're you looking at! ROGER AT 8 Nothing! And they start punching again. The Dad looks up - so weary... DAVE (AT COUNTER) Here we can see where even at an early age, guy behavior is already well developed along complex patterns that social scientists have called, "jerks." While girls at the same age are referred to by the same social scientists, as "human beings." ANGLE ON A TABLE FULL OF GIRLS - INCLUDING ELAINE AT AGE 8 They are all chatting nicely, passing out napkins and ketchup packets making sure everyone has what they need. While the MOTHER that brought them quietly reads a novel. DAVE See? Humans. He walks past with his takeout order. As ELAINE at 8 notices Roger, blushing, taking all this punishment because of her. BURGER KING DAD (as Dave exits) Will you please stop punching! CUT TO: INT. NOTED PEDIATRICIAN'S OFFICE - DAY Dave sits across from a BRITISH GUY with a SUBTITLE saying, "Noted Pediatrician. " He has a laser pointer and a powerpoint presentation. 21. DAVE Where are we in the area of Guy Violence, Doctor. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT Well first, one must understand the inherent differences in DNA and cell structure as relates to men and women. (CLICKING SLIDES) For example, all women have a gene that makes them have the need for meaningful conversations. Likewise, all men have a gene in them that we scientists believe is directly related to violence. DAVE And what can be done about that. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT well, some of my esteemed colleagues are quite keen on the idea of tampering with the DNA itself - an idea with which I heartily disagree. The bastards... DAVE Then what would you recommend. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT Me? Well they can start by spreading out the funding a little bit. Let a few other scientists wet their beaks. I mean what's the point of rewarding the same tired old hacks, year after YEAR -- DAVE I meant about Guy Violence. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT OH -- (then shifting back) Well nothing, really. I mean, what can you do. Short of lobotomizing them, anyway. No I suppose we'll just have to continue to channel their aggression into socially acceptable outlets. Like professional wrestling, or the space program. DAVE I see. Can I ask you a question? 22. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT Certainly. DAVE Where'd you get that laser pointer. SCIENTIFIC EXPERT It's mine. CUT TO: EXT. TOY WORLD WAREHOUSE PLANET - DAY Dave stands in front of the entrance. DAVE A lot of work has been done in the field of children's toys and how they unconsciously reinforce gender roles. Studies have found that over ninety-three per cent of this work is done by researchers who don't have children of their own. But to test the theory anyway, we're here at Toy World Warehouse Planet. CUT TO: INT. TOY WORLD WAREHOUSE PLANET - DAY Dave shepherds new father GENE up to the CUSTOMER HELP counter. DAVE Hi! My friend here is looking for toys for his son that are gender neutral, environmentally sound, and culturally unbiased! SALES GUY Here it is. He brings up a box with a picture of a spinning top on it. NEW FATHER GENE What's it do? SALES GUY It's recyclable. 23. NEW FATHER GENE Where are the trucks and guns. CUT TO: EXT. TOY WORLD PARKING LOT - DAY New Father Gene meets up with NEW MOTHER KELLY at the car. She came from GROCERY WORLD; he helps load up the bags... NEW MOTHER KELLY What's this? NEW FATHER GENE (looks, sees the toy STORE BOX) Oh I got that for Benjy. NEW MOTHER KELLY You were supposed to get a rattle. NEW FATHER GENE All the rattles were recalled. NEW MOTHER KELLY So you bought a tank. NEW FATHER GENE Wait'll you see what this can do, baby. Benjy's gonna love it. NEW MOTHER KELLY Oh yeah? Can he shake it? Will it rattle? NEW FATHER GENE Rattle? This thing'll bring down a bookshelf! She looks at him. He'll be returning the thing within seconds. CAMERA PANS to Dave, who shrugs. CUT TO: EXT. DETROIT - ED'S AUTO SHOP - DAY A rundown place with junked cars out front. ED's an intense little guy in a Tigers' hat and a couple major tattoos. ED Well I'm into fireworks. I like to take 'em apart, you know. And study 'em. See what makes 'em tick. 24. He shows Dave a box with ASSORTED FIREWORKS inside. ED I just got these from Ohio. I don't think they're as good as the ones I got from Tennessee. Not as loud, you know? DAVE Well no, if loud is your -- ED If you want to hear loud - listen to this. He goes over to a different box, takes out what looks like a stick of dynamite. Gets ready to light it; turns to CAMERA. ED You may want to step back a couple hundred yards. CUT TO: INT. DAVE'S CAR - TRAVELING - DAY As Ed's Auto Shop recedes in the background - with a LOUD EXPLOSION accompanying - DAVE So when we see guys like Ed, and his fireworks - or guys shooting marine flares into innocent pumpkins, or building catapults that'll throw a Buick - we should not condemn them. We should not assume these are just pointless juvenile activities. Instead we should be convinced they are, and move on to Guys in the Workplace. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - PHILADELPHIA - DAY A PHILADELPHIA GIRL stands outside a CHEESESTEAK PLACE. PHILADELPHIA GIRL Guys at work? Or guys doing work. (MORE) 25. PHILADELPHIA GIRL (CONT'D) I mean unless you want to talk about faxing or emailing their stupid jokes back and forth. Sick jokes. CUT TO: EXT. WALL STREET - DAY Dave and a SEASONED BROKER eat HOT DOGS from a CORNER CART. BROKER Ten, fifteen years ago? A guy would call you up with some joke he just heard. So you wanna pass it on, it's by phone. One person at a time. Then a while later, some guy calls you up with the same exact joke. Then when group faxing came in, it really sped things up. Next thing you know there's like ten faxes on your machine, from places you never even heard of. Places around the world, I'm saying. DAVE And how long would that take. BROKER A run of the mill, 'guy walks into a bar' joke, those'd take about .a. week to come back to you. The topical ones, your mass murders and tragic accidents and the like, they're naturally gonna have a lot more heat on them and they'll circulate a lot quicker. I mean no one's gonna sit on a Princess Diana joke until three weeks after the crash. No one i know, anyway. (THEN CHEWING) Now there's the internet -- and what used to take a week'll take like seconds. I'm telling you it's getting harder and harder to keep up. DAVE A lot of people don't understand the attention and the kind of importance these jokes have. BROKER Who. (MORE) 26. BROKER (CONT'D) (THEN) Oh you mean women? Well, you know - what's the importance of having fifteen pairs of shoes? DAVE No one knows that. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "ROGER AND ELAINE" INT. ELAINE'S CAR - DAY Roger is slumped across the back seat; messed-up clothes and in obvious pain. Elaine drives; talks to CAMERA. ELAINE So I get this call at work. (then to Roger back THERE) You want to tell this? ROGER Its just a sprain. ELAINE (shakes her head) I get on the phone and they say he's okay - but maybe I should come down to the paper and get him. Does he look okay? ROGER It's a sprain. It just looks worse. ELAINE Not the way I heard it. CUT TO: TNT. NEWSPAPER BUILDING - EARLIER THAT DAY Roger's at his desk; can't help but HEAR PATRICK, TOM and GENE talking nearby. PATRICK He's how old? TOM High school. A sophomore. 27. GENE Big deal. I could run the forty that fast. TOM You and who - the Flash? This kid set a national record. GENE Yeah? What nation. BACK TO: TNT. ELAINE'S CAR - CONTINUING ELAINE (TO ROGER) Tell me something. If the article was about a poem there wouldn't be an argument - would there. ROGER Why would there be an article about a poem. ELAINE I'm just saying. I don't see the four of you fighting over who can write the better sonnet. ROGER So? ELAINE So no one gets hurt writing sonnets. ROGER (off her look; then) It's a sprain. BACK TO: INT. THE NEWSPAPER BUILDING - DAY Roger listens more agitated as the argument mounts. GENE When did you last run the forty? PATRICK Hey. I could beat you in the forty running backwards. 28. TOM You couldn't even beat your butt running backwards. ROGER (from his desk) Will you guys cut it out? They stop. Look at him. ROGER The kid in the story's in high school. You're not. You're supposed to be adults and you're bragging about who can beat who in a stupid footrace. TOM No one's bragging. PATRICK Gene's just saying he can run the forty in under six seconds. ROGER Hey. I can do it in under six seconds. FREEZE THE PICTURE, on their expressions. BRING UP "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" MUSIC DISSOLVE T0: EXT. CITY PARK - DAY The FOUR GUYS crouch in their starting stance. A SECRETARY stands at the end of a marked-off course with a stopwatch and a whistle. She blows the whistle. They're off. SLOW MOTION WITH MUSIC All four guys explode off the line. Patrick gets five strides and goes down. Tom gets two more and falls, howling in pain. Then Gene and Roger, neck and neck for at least three more strides until Roger HEARS A "POP," that ECHOES over the music, and goes toppling down. As Gene finishes alone - gripping his side in awful pain but pumping his fist in victory. 29. MUSIC FADES AS DISSOLVE TO: INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elaine comes in; Roger, limping and leaning heavily on her. ELAINE I don't know why I listened to you. You need to see a doctor. ROGER It's a sprain, Elaine. ELAINE Roger you can't walk. ROGER It'll work itself out. She gives him a look. Parks him long enough to close the door behind him. Without her support, he drops to the floor. She turns to the CAMERA. ELAINE Why won't they go to the doctor? CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY British, white coat, stethoscope. DOCTOR Here's why. He holds up a RUBBER GLOVE. Dangles it harmlessly. DOCTOR I don't care who they are. If they think there's even a chance their doctor will use one of these - and they always assume there is - they won't come in. (MORE) 30. DOCTOR (CONT'D) (puts it away, shakes HIS HEAD) If there's anything out there that would bring them in... it hasn't been invented yet. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE FANTASY GUY MEDICAL CLINIC" EXT. FANTASY GUY MEDICAL CLINIC - DAY It says so on the SIGN. ANOTHER SIGN, like an international road sign, has a graphic of a HAND IN A RUBBER GLOVE with a RED LINE through it. There are also SPORTS TEAM BANNERS. CUT TO: INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY The DOCTOR checks a GUY'S chart. There's a TV with ESPN on in the exam room. GUY DOCTOR What seems to be the problem? GUY PATIENT Well the main thing is, I keep coughing up blood. And I get these really severe chest pains, and double vision sometimes. And every night at sunset, little worms come burrowing out of my skin. GUY DOCTOR It's just a sprain. GUY PATIENT That's what I thought. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUY FEELINGS" INT. MIAMI - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY Karla E, Mia, Lila and Sidra again, with Dave. DAVE A lot has been said about how guys don't share their feelings. 31 KARLA E You mean they have them? MIA Or they have them and don't acknowledge them. LILA Or they don't think that others have them. SIDRA Or they just don't think. DAVE (as they agree on THAT) -- Is it possible that they do have feelings, they do acknowledge them and they do know others have them - but they just don't express it the same way? Four blank faces look at him. Then. KARLA E Sports. They have feelings about sports. LILA And their underwear. (POLLS THEM) You ever try and throw out their underwear? MIA Once. I nearly lost my life. SIDRA They act like it's so sacred. I've seen pairs of briefs with holes in them larger than the leg holes. (as the others nod) I tried to throw a pair out once? And sneak it past him? He went out into the garbage and found them. He said he couldn't trust me after that. KARLA E Tell me what that's all about. SIDRA I don't even want to think about it. 32. DAVE (off their reactions) So you agree then, that guys at least have feelings. MIA They just waste them. That's all. CUT TO: EXT. SUBURBAN TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT ROGER and ELAINE get out of Roger's car. Elaine has an armload of magazines. ELAINE Now remember. Gene's dad is real sick. Kelly says he doesn't talk about it. So see if you can draw him out. ROGER He already did talk about it. ELAINE Oh? What did he say? ROGER He said his dad is real sick. She gives him a look. Gets to the door. ROGER What are those? ELAINE Kelly's boss is turning forty. ROGER So you're giving her magazines? ELAINE (a look; then) Just see if you can get him to talk. CUT TO: INT. DEN - NIGHT There's a GAME on. Gene sort of stares. Roger has a SHOEBOX on his lap; goes through Gene's SEGA cartridges. 33. ROGER Galaxians. Far out... GENE (while Roger keeps LOOKING) Can you believe the Yankees got Lupenza. ROGER They get everybody. GENE I know. They suck. ROGER I know. Silence. Roger pulls out two cartridges, compares them. GENE I got to Level 24 of Arkanoids. ROGER (TURNS) -- You're kidding. Gene shakes his head. He's not. This is big. ROGER You've seen the Evil Presence? (then off his look) What's it look like? Gene shrugs; even the best of friends. Roger understands. CAMERA PANS to Dave. DAVE Believe it or not, ladies - that was sharing. (then nods to kitchen) And believe it or not, guys - so is THIS -- CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Elaine and Kelly with magazines and writing pads. ELAINE Well I don't know. How do you think she feels about getting older? 34 KELLY I don't know... I know how I felt. How did you feel about it? ELAINE How does anybody feel. KELLY (NODS) So you think she'll want a smaller gathering? ELAINE Well if we go that way, we know who to invite. KELLY But then who do we not invite. ELAINE Exactly. And how are they going to feel about that. KELLY So maybe we should make it a slightly larger gathering. ELAINE -- Depends on the food, I guess. I mean, if we go with a larger gathering... KELLY Exactly. ELAINE (finds the right MAGAZINE) I saw something earlier in here about low-fat hors d'oeuvres. KELLY Oh - I've seen that one too. They open to the article, scanning it. ELAINE Hmm. KELLY Hmm. 35. ELAINE You thinking what I'm thinking? KELLY That if we have low fat hors d'oeuvres she'll think we noticed she's gaining weight? ELAINE Exactly. KELLY (CONSIDERS THAT) Maybe just blow it out, you know? I mean it's a party. Go with the high fat. ELAINE Thinking she won't think we've noticed the weight gain. KELLY Unless she thinks that's insensitive. You know, that we hadn't noticed... ELAINE Hmm... They close the magazine, look through the others when: KELLY How about medium fat hors d'oeuvres? ELAINE And we could cut them into smaller pieces? KELLY (THEN) She could think we were being cheap. ELAINE And how would she feel about that... CUT TO: INT. THE DEN - SAME Roger and Gene watch a PORSCHE COMMERCIAL without the sound. GENE That one has the GPS. With the screen that has maps of everything? 36. ROGER What about with the convertible. GENE It's optional on the convertible. Unless you get the turbo, then it's standard. ROGER Phil Wonkerman got the turbo. GENE No shit...Phil got a Porsche? ROGER Said it was his birthday present to himself. GENE (IMPRESSED; THEN) When was his birthday. ROGER Beats me. Probably around the same time when he got the car. GENE No shit... (THEN) Maybe we should get him something. ROGER (looks at him) He just got a Porsche. GENE Right. They look at the TV again. Then, from the kitchen doorway: ELAINE Roger? They turn. Elaine gives Roger a look. PICTURE FREEZES AS: 37. DAVE Roger met Elaine at a company event. CUT TO: EXT. A HOTEL POOL - DAY PEOPLE with NAMETAGS mingle with drinks and appetizers. Dave comes away from the hot buffet table with a great haul. DAVE -- They discovered they had something in common right away. He points to ROGER and ELAINE, over by a tiki-torch. ELAINE You're kidding! That was you? At the Burger King? ROGER I was in fourth grade. ELAINE I was too! But my God, you remembered that? DAVE (off Roger's nod) She loved that he remembered that. CUT TO: INT. A BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT A GLOW-BOWL night; neon and black light and MUSIC. DAVE (handing out shoes) A few nights later, he asked her out. He points over to the LANE where they're bowling. DAVE They had a good time, and so he asked her again. And then before too long they were seeing each other regularly, and not seeing anyone else. (MORE) 38. DAVE (CONT'D) (THEN) Of course, Elaine was the only one who knew that... CUT TO: EXT. RESTAURANT - PARKING LOT - NIGHT Roger opens Elaine's door for her, then goes around. She lingers, watches him before she gets in. ROGER What. ELAINE Nothing... She smiles; gets in. Roger pauses. CAMERA PANS TO DAVE. DAVE Roger has no idea that this was a defining moment for her. Roger gets in. Fuzzy but not sure why. CUT TO: INT. ROGER'S CAR - NIGHT Roger drives. Elaine looks out ahead. Long stretch of road and no one on it. She turns; looks at him. ELAINE Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months? CAMERA HOLDS on her. She waits. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE Gee...I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. Maybe he's been feeling confined enough by our relationship as it is... CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. ROGER'S INNER VOICE Six months... 39 CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE He's worried. (then thinking about IT) Well hey - you know? I'm not so sure I want this kind of a relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going this way. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. ROGER'S INNER VOICE So that means it was...let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer... (he looks down at it) Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE. An OVAL IMAGE OF HER APPEARS in the top corner of the screen; they watch him together. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE He's upset. I can see it on his face. ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE You know, maybe you're reading this completely wrong - and he wants more from the relationship. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE (CONSIDERS IT) More intimacy...more commitment... (AND THEN) -- and maybe what's happening, is he's sensing my reservations? 40 ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE Well don't bet the farm on it. But -- ELAINE'S INNER VOICE -- And that's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings - he's afraid of being rejected... CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. ROGER'S INNER VOICE And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's eighty-seven degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddam garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent lowlife bastards six hundred dollars. CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE. ELAINE'S INNER VOICE -- He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE (TO ELAINE) You know what your problem is? You're too idealistic. You're waiting for some knight to come riding up on his white horse, when you're sitting next to a perfectly good person, a person you enjoy being with, a person you truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about you. A person who is in pain because of this self-centered, schoolgirl fantasy that you insist on clinging to. CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. His OVAL IMAGE APPEARS; at the LOCAL BAR with a beer in front of him and pool tables in b.g. ROGER'S INNER VOICE They'll probably say it's only a ninety day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. 41 ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE Let 'em say what they want. You don't have to listen. ELAINE Roger? ROGER'S INNER VOICE You know you're right. They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddam warranty. I'll take their lousy warranty and stick it right up their -- ELAINE Roger. ROGER (STARTLED) -- What? ELAINE Please don't torture yourself like this. Maybe I should never have... (BREAKING DOWN) Oh God, I feel so... ROGER (looks over, alarmed) WHAT -- She struggles to keep control. Her OVAL IMAGE disapproves. ELAINE I'm such a fool. I mean I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse. ROGER There's no horse? He looks up; his OVAL IMAGE SHRUGS; gets up off the stool. ELAINE You think I'm a fool, don't you? ROGER (reacting to the Oval ROGER) -- no! He looks over at her; not sure who he responded to...but it appears he said the right thing anyway. 42. ELAINE It's just.. .well I need ...time, I think. I think I need some time. Roger looks up at his OVAL IMAGE: gone. He looks at Elaine. ROGER -- Time. Yes. ELAINE (moved, touches his HAND) Oh Roger, do you really feel that way? ROGER What way? ELAINE About time. Do you feel that way about time? Roger looks confused. His OVAL IMAGE is off playing pool now. He turns to Elaine; does his best to look decisive. ROGER Oh. Well. Yes. Yes I do, feel that way. About time. ELAINE (MELTS) Thank you, Roger. ROGER -- Thank you. They smile. Look forward. He looks a little nervous. She looks serene... CUT TO: EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT Roger drives away. Elaine goes into her building. Already dialing her cell phone... 43. BLAINE Come on, Kelly -- pick up. CUT TO: INT. ROGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT .while Roger and his OVAL IMAGE watch an OBSCURE FOREIGN SOCCER GAME. Share a giganto bag of Doritos. ROGER Hey, Ref - look alive. Those guys were offsides. ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE They suck. ROGER Who, the Albanians or the Moroccans. ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE They both suck. ROGER I know. He eats some more Doritos. But then suddenly-he pauses. ROGER I think I missed something back there. ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE Wait for the replay. ROGER (shakes his head) No I mean in the car. ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE Can't help you. I was shooting pool. Roger looks up at his Oval Image. It shrugs. CUT TO: EXT. A JUICE BAR - DAY Elaine huddles with Kelly. KELLY .and you said 'there's no knight.' 44. ELAINE (NODS) - and no horse. KELLY Did you say 'no knight and no horse,' or 'no horse and no knight?' She looks at Elaine.. This is crucial. ELAINE I said 'no knight.' And then I said 'no horse.' (THEN) I know he agreed to the knight. KELLY But maybe not the horse. Elaine racks her brain; just can't say for sure. KELLY It's probably not important... (then watching her) This is really it for you. Isn't it. ELAINE (looks at her; nods) Really it. KELLY (glad for her) Does he know it? Elaine looks up; she has no idea. CUT TO: EXT. LOCAL HOOPS COURT - DAY Roger and Gene get ready for some 1 on 1. Roger passes to Gene... ROGER Check. .who passes it right back. GENE Check. 45. Roger takes the ball, dribbles, almost starts but doesn't. Gene looks at him. ROGER Listen. GENE What. ROGER (a beat; then) -- Elaine and I. GENE Elaine and you what. ROGER (a beat; then he shrugs) We sort of have this -- thing. He looks at Gene. Conveys the full impact of this. Then -- ROGER Did she ever mention owning a horse? GENE Who. ROGER Elaine. She ever talk about horses? Like, to Kelly or something? GENE Not that I know of. Why? Roger thinks.. .then shakes it off. Throws the ball to Gene. ROGER What's the score. GENE We haven't started yet. They start to play. CAMERA FINDS DAVE, on a nearby bench. DAVE Roger's in love. CUT TO: INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY SHERYL CROW takes a break in the MIXING BOOTH. 46. SHERYL CROW I can sympathize with your friend, man. I've seen a lot of guys go there. DAVE Do you have any advice for a guy in love? SHERYL CROW I don't know - most of my songs are about guys out of love. DAVE I see. SHERYL CROW Cause you know, a guy in love - a guy who's where your friend's at, anyway - they don't know where they are. They're like an ant, standing on a truck tire. They don't know how they got there - all they know is that's not where they were a minute ago. But then they sort of get vaguely okay with it, you know? They start hangin' out there, they're feelin' pretty good. (THEN) Until the thing starts moving. DAVE What happens then. SHERYL CROW Well then they get crushed. Dave gulps. She shrugs. SHERYL CROW Rock and roll, my friend. Life in the city. CUT TO: INT. TWO OLD PEOPLE ON A COUCH - DAY OLD MAN November 8, 1960. The day John Kennedy beat Nixon and won the White House. That was the day I met her. His WIFE turns, looks at him funny. 47 OLD MAN It was close the whole way - it was neck and neck by God. But then old Kennedy Senior rode on in on that big old pile of money of his, and fixed the results in Illinois. And that made all the difference. Happiest day of my life, just about. She watches him. The man is hopeless. OLD MAN I was walking away from a newspaper stand, with my head buried in the final edition. And I looked up, and there she was. (he looks over at his WIFE) You were wearing a yellow sun dress and there was a smudge of makeup just over your left eye. He smiles at her. Gets a thin smile back. OLD MAN What. OLD LADY That wasn't me. OLD MAN Of course it was you. What are you talking about? OLD LADY It was your first wife. OLD MAN Nonsense. OLD LADY (TO CAMERA) We met in Sacramento. Eight and a half years ago. OLD MAN Don't believe her. OLD LADY I've never owned a yellow sun dress in my life. And even if I did, I wouldn't be wearing it in November. 48. OLD MAN (off her look) -- The point is, in 1960 an Irish Catholic could be elected president of this fine country, as long as his father was a filthy rich rum-runner with connections to the Mafia! And when Nixon did get elected, he had to quit! His wife shakes her head. CUT TO: INT. KELLY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Kelly and Gene on the sofa. KELLY Well we didn't know each other. I mean, of course we didn't - we hadn't met yet. But we were both invited to the same party, by different people who we only knew marginally - only the party got cancelled, and I guess that's how marginal we were, because no one told us. So we came in different cars and found ourselves at the same front door - with no one home. (then taking his hand) So Gene asked me out to eat. GENE I was hungry. KELLY You were in love. (then off his look) You told me you loved me, that first night! GENE I said I loved mashed potatoes. KELLY You were eating mashed potatoes. You said you loved me. You said because your name was Gene and mine was Kelly, that that just proved it. We were meant to be together. 49. GENE (off her look; then TO CAMERA) -- Does this have to go in the movie? CUT TO: EXT. GENE AND KELLY'S PLACE - DAY Dave walks out, talks to the CAMERA. DAVE Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long term, stable, intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. As long as this is the guy: QUICK SHOT OF A LABRADOR RETRIEVER -- PANTING, FRIENDLY. DAVE With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term 'relationship.' CUT TO: EXT. JERSEY SHORE - DAY A JERSEY GIRL on break at a SNACK HUT. JERSEY GIRL What I don't get is how they can be a fully grown adult male and not be able to make a commitment to a woman who loves him like no one else - and yet the same person, at age seven, could make an unbreakable lifelong commitment to the San Francisco Giants, who do not even know him and who never will. (shakes her head) I just don't get it. CUT TO: EXT. SEATTLE - E-CAFE - DAY A SEATTLE GIRL outside the cafe. 50. SEATTLE GIRL They're never "ready." If you ask me, guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. That's where they live. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put one in a 350 degree oven on the Fourth of July and they still wouldn't be ready in time for Thanksgiving. CUT TO: EXT. CHICAGO - RARE BOOKS STORE - DAY The OWNER arranges titles on a display outside her store. CHICAGO GIRL The thing is, you shouldn't even think about marrying them until you really know them. But you can't really know them until you marry them. (then after a beat) That's the thing. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUY FIDELITY" EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY A Manhattan Girl gives a world-weary look. MANHATTAN GIRL One: A guy will have sex with anything. Two: A guy will do anything to have sex. There's your Guy Fidelity. Move on. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUY PRIDE" INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S MARRIED HOUSE - DAY Elaine and Roger are inside, looking at the front door. ELAINE What do you mean, it's 'supposed to be that way.' It's stuck. 51 ROGER It's basic physics, Elaine. Wood expands. And then, later, it contracts. ELAINE But we can't get out. ROGER Which also means other people can't get in. That's part of the design - it discourages burglars. ELAINE (looks at him) The same way the toaster was designed to discourage carbohydrate consumption by bursting into flames? ROGER That was an outdoor toaster. It was clearly not designed for indoor situations. The PICTURE FREEZES. DAVE steps in front, talks to CAMERA. DAVE I think it's obvious here, that Roger has absolutely no idea what he's talking about. But Guy Pride forces him to keep acting like he does know, for reasons I believe we've covered in an earlier scene. He nods his head over to the corner, where the CAMERA PANS TO SEE HUDDLED VISIGOTHS, WAITING. Then BACK TO ROGER AND ELAINE as the PICTURE UNFREEZES. ELAINE Okay. So now we have a broken water heater and a stuck front door. (CONTROLS HERSELF; THEN) I think it's time to call Steve. ELAINE'S IMAGE FREEZES. Roger turns to the CAMERA. 52. ROGER "Steve." CUT TO: EXT. CUL DE SAC - DAY - SLOW MOTION - HEAVENLY MUSIC STEVE leaves someone's house, heads for his super-outfitted TRUCK. Haloed in golden sunlight. Strong, capable, equipped for every situation. WOMEN look out from kitchen and bedroom and living room windows, from front steps and yards and gardens, just to see whose house Steve is leaving. The women look all dreamy the way they would in a really corny musical. DAVE (watching; to CAMERA) As far as women are concerned, God didn't really rest on the seventh day. On the seventh day, God created Steve. As the Women all sigh... CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY Elaine stands at the basement door. CLANGING down there. ELAINE Roger? Did you find anything? INTERCUT WITH ROGER IN THE BASEMENT He's in ankle deep water. Pokes a FLASHLIGHT into some of the corners where the overhead bulb doesn't reach. ROGER Good news, honey! The basement's level. ELAINE How can you tell? ROGER Because I know a well built floor when I see one! We were right to buy this house. Everything works just the way it should! 53. ELAINE Except there's no hot water. ROGER (aiming the flashlight) Sweetheart, don't you remember? The power company talked about this. ELAINE How about calling Steve. ROGER (HATES THIS) We'll call "Steve," when we have a real problem. Okay? (then more to himself) A mouse gets the hiccups, you don't have to call Steve every time. ELAINE (hears him whang something down there) But Roger you're such a good copy editor. You don't have to be a good repairman too! Honest! ROGER Okay I think I found it. ELAINE The problem? ROGER The water heater. Elaine leans her head against the door jam. CUT TO: EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY Elaine sits on the step, looking blank. Kelly is with her. There are LOUD NOISES from the basement. ELAINE I don't know why he does this. He doesn't know what he's doing down there... KELLY It'll be all right. 54. ELAINE (off a loud CLANG) It's not like some broken part is just going to be standing there, waving a flag that says "Help me." Or there'll be an octopus on the compressor, and then he could say, "Look! There's an octopus on the compressor!" (THEN) Of course, how would he know it was the compressor... KELLY Trust me, it'll all work out. After a while, there's no more harm they can do. Roger comes around from the side door. SLOSHING feet. Holds a dripping PART. ROGER I just need to go to the hardware store. Hi Kelly. Kelly smiles, waves. Then as Roger sloshes past, to the car. ELAINE And what is it about the hardware store? All they do in there is buy a bunch of tools that they don't know how to use -- and no matter what the problem is, all they'll end up doing is whacking at it with a hammer until it breaks even more. KELLY And then they cover it all up with duct tape and then come out and say it's supposed to work that way. ELAINE (SOLIDARITY NOD) Then we have to call Steve. And they get offended. CUT TO: INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY Roger waits at the counter. Talks to CAMERA. 55. ROGER Let me tell you something. If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Steve's" name, I could hire somebody better than Steve, just to shake things up. Get her one of these old semi-retired guys - someone from the pre-steroid days, with the hairy shoulders, and the butt crack. They won't be so quick to call him every ten minutes. The Clerk comes back. Hands over a 53-piece TOOL SET. CLERK Remember. Keep these away from anything magnetic. ROGER (WINKS) Got it. He takes the tool kit from the Clerk and drops it. The Clerk watches Roger chase down all the parts: what a dolt. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Roger puts the tool set in his trunk...then stops. ROGER The thing is - I missed out. (turns to CAMERA) It's like everyone else was there the day they taught all this stuff. How to look inside acar.Or a furnace. Or a rocketship.But the guys like Steve, youknow.They were born knowing allthis- and now they're laughing. (MORE) 56. ROGER (CONT'D) They all go down to the Competent Guys' Tavern and compare notes. CUT TO: EXT. COMPETENT GUYS' TAVERN - DAY VANS and PICKUP TRUCKS just like Steve's are parked outside. A STEVE LOOKALIKE gets out and goes in, greeting ANOTHER STEVE also arriving. LAUGHTER pours out from inside. CUT TO: EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY Steve rings the bell. Elaine tries opening the door. ELAINE (on other side) I'm sorry - the door's stuck. STEVE I can fix that. He checks it out, taps it in one place and opens the door. Elaine steps aside, enchanted -- -- as Roger drives up and sees this. And the pain in his heart is something we can feel. CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S BASEMENT - DAY Power's back on. Steve pulls the cover off the HVAC assembly. Roger is sorting through the 53-piece tool set he bought and has no idea what to do with. STEVE If you've got a minute, sir. I'd like to show you something. ROGER (holds up tool kit) Should I bring these? STEVE That won't be -- (then as all the parts FALL OUT) -- necessary. 57 ROGER (LOOKS DOWN) The latch broke. STEVE I can fix that. Roger puts the tool kit down. Joins Steve. STEVE There's your problem right there. (POINTS) You got calcification in your pullet- beam header grommets. ROGER I was afraid of that. Steve looks at him. One of those sideways looks. STEVE What you gotta do is jack up your laminate bolts and remove the calcification on the stress points. ROGER (while Steve takes SOME MEASUREMENTS) Of course when he says "you," he doesn't mean "me." I don't have jacks. I don't have winches. And Steve has got like fifty kinds of each, right on his truck. If society collapsed, the Steves of the world will be living in nice sturdy shelters that they built with their own hands, eating food that they grew or caught. And I'll be getting shredded to death by wolverines. STEVE Here we go. He reaches down. Pulls out a fuse assembly, holds it up. 58. STEVE Here we go. Back in business in no time. CUT TO: EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY Steve is packing up his truck. Roger is about to go back INSIDE WHEN: KID Dad, look! Look what Steve made me! A working battleship made entirely out of Coke cans! Roger looks. It is a working battleship made from Coke cans. KID This is so neat! Thanks, Steve! The kid runs off. Roger looks at Elaine. ROGER Do we have a kid? ELAINE Steve got him from the truck. CUT TO: INT. STEVE'S TRUCK - TRAVELING - DAY Dave rides up front with Steve. Talks to CAMERA. DAVE Just because Steve can fix things, doesn't mean he's shallow and doesn't have any concerns. All guys have concerns. Deep concerns. STEVE (LOOKS OVER) You like SportsTalk? Mike the Moose? DAVE Hell yeah. Steve gives him a look. Turns on the radio. 59. CALLER I'm just sayin' those owners better never run into me. Because God help 'em, man. MIKE THE MOOSE -- and we'll pick up on that and more, right after the news. CALLER I mean it, man. CUT TO: INT. RADIO STATION - WGRG-AM SPORTSTALK - DAY MIKE THE MOOSE flips a switch; turns to Dave. MIKE THE MOOSE Three months ago, the Marlins traded a guy named Rufino Lupenza to the Yankees, for some minor league players and cash. I grant you it was a rotten trade. I grant you the Yankees seem to have this, this knack for making brilliant deals year after year. But three months? (pops in a tape) The Marlins are over it. The Yankees are over it. The players and their families are over it -- but just check this out. CALLER (ON TAPE) The guy was a workhorse! He filled in wherever he was needed and he never got hurt! And when he got hurt, he played hurt. MIKE THE MOOSE (ON TAPE) You know I got a post card from him here at the station. He says they're all doing fine: Lucita's got the kids in their new school already and they all seem happy. She even found an Ecuadorean grocery she likes. CALLER Grocery -- the guy batted 340, from both sides. (MORE) 60. CALLER (CONT'D) His on-base percentage was in the 4's, with a rocket arm on defense and an awareness of the field like nobody's business. And they trade him for minor leaguers? For untested, greenhorn punks who can barely even -- MIKE THE MOOSE (pauses the tape) That guy's pretty normal. He cues forward, plays. A GUY CALLER, fighting tears. MIKE THE MOOSE (ON RADIO) You just have to move on, Stan. CALLER .I try to - I'm trying. But I just can't make sense of this... Mike the Moose stops the tape. MIKE THE MOOSE These are guys you wouldn't see crying even at a funeral. Guys who can't bring themselves to hug their own children. And they're beside themselves. (shakes his head) And all over a meaningless trade... DAVE Meaningless? Mike the Moose looks at him. CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Roger and Gene are watching the KNICKS/HEAT game. Big bag of Doritos between them. TV ANNOUNCER .seventy-seven per cent from the line during the regular season, and a red-hot eighty-three per cent during the playoffs. ROGER Stop saying that! 61. TV ANNOUNCER SIDEKICK -- and in the fourth quarter of the playoffs, that number is even higher -- GENE Stop saying that! TV ANNOUNCER So they really picked the wrong guy to foul, at this crucial point in such a crucial game. ROGER AND GENE Stop saying that! TV ANNOUNCER He dribbles. He sets -- he dribbles again... Roger and Gene lean forward. ROGER Come on come on come on comeoncomeon -- GENE Miss the shot miss the shot miss the shot come on and miss the shot -- TV ANNOUNCER -- and the Knicks call time out. They lean back in their seats; breathe some relief. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Elaine and Kelly are addressing INVITATIONS by hand. Dave sits on the counter, listens in. ELAINE They don't know the players. The players don't know them - yet they idolize these people. They follow them from team to team -- and they know more about these teams than they know about their own families. They might not even know if they have families. KELLY Not during the playoffs anyway. 62. ELAINE (amen to that; then) And what gets me is, they think - they really think - that whether a team wins or loses or not depends on how much they personally care about them. Like if they don't care, the team can't win. DAVE But that's true. They look over - see him on the counter. ELAINE What's true. DAVE It's true that the level of concern a guy shows for his team can affect the outcome of the game. (then off their looks) I mean not just one guy - but lots of guys. All the guys who care about the team combined, if they really care, can make a difference on the scoreboard. ELAINE That's crazy. KELLY Who is he? DAVE (hops off the counter) -- Follow me. CUT TO: INT. THE DEN - CONTINUOUS Roger and Gene and the game are FROZEN IN PLACE. Dave stands in the doorway with Elaine and Kelly. DAVE For the first time ever, through the use of highly advanced technology, we will be able to see the actual Concern Rays emanating from the minds of Roger and Gene, in their attempt to affect the outcome of this upcoming - and totally critical - foul shot. 63. The PICTURE CHANGES as though a filter has been slipped over the lens. Then we BEGIN TO SEE THE ACTUAL RAYS emanating from Roger's and Gene's foreheads and traveling into the screen. The rays are colored BLUE. DAVE These Concern Rays go straight into the television screen where they join the combined Concern Rays of all the other guy fans watching this game right now. CUT TO: A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES Where all the CITIES representing major markets LIGHT UP and FORM ARCS, like airline flight routes, connecting RED or BLUE CONCERN RAYS from each city, and sending them to MIAMI. DAVE (in front of map) Then the rays are transmitted to the actual arena itself, all arriving at the same moment regardless of any geographic or time zone differences. CUT TO: EXT. AN ARENA - NIGHT Dave reports as BLUE AND RED CONCERN RAYS materialize from the sky and descend on the arena, covering the roof. DAVE And it is here, at the arena, where the combined Concern Rays from both teams' fans will be measured - not just for quantity, but for quality. Because this - as every Guy must believe - is what wins ball games. BACK TO ROGER AND GENE AT THE TV Dave steps away and the PICTURE UN-FREEZES. TV ANNOUNCER He sets...he takes the shot...it's UP -- ROGER -- Come on come on come on --- 64. GENE Miss the shot miss the shot miss the SHOT -- ON TV - THE BALL, IN MIDAIR -- BLUE AND RED CONCERN RAYS APPEAR AND CONVERGE ON IT, IN A MIGHTY STRUGGLE FOR DOMINATION TV ANNOUNCER -- and he misses! He misses! It bounces off the rim and Miami wins the game! What a comeback! A field day for the Heat! Roger and Gene leap up and scream. High fives, victory dance. Dave looks at Elaine and Kelly - who look at each other... ELAINE Let's get back to those invitations. KELLY I'm with you. They turn, go back to the kitchen. The celebration goes on. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC REST ROOM PROBLEM" INT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY Dave walks down a terminal corridor among hurrying PASSENGERS. DAVE If there's one thing women don't know about when it comes to guys, it's the public rest room problem. And we're here to clear that up right now. He stops outside a MEN'S REST ROOM, which is currently closed for maintenance. DAVE This room is a private hell for a countless number of guys -- yet the women in their lives are completely in the dark about it. (MORE) 65. DAVE (CONT'D) But before we go inside, let's talk with a leading social scientist, so that what we're about to show you sounds a little more official. CUT TO: INT. RED CARPET CLUB - DAY Dave is at the honor bar with the SAME BRITISH GUY. The words "Leading Social Scientist" APPEAR under him this time. LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST One has to understand that the act of emptying one's bladder goes deep to the very roots of masculinity. It is an important territorial statement that males are genetically programmed to carry out. DAVE I see. LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST In fact, many of my colleagues believe the reason that dogs howl at the moon is because they can't go up there and urinate on it -- which is not, however, a theory which I embrace. But guess who gets all the grant money every year. The bastards... He stares off into space. A bitter man. DAVE Um...you were saying? LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST I didn't want this job. Twenty years, in the social sciences? And what was everybody else doing -- they were getting laid. They were going to bed with women. And what have I been doing -- applying for matching grants. And not getting them. (MORE) 66. LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST (CONT'D) Applying for any grants at all - and not getting those either. Meanwhile all the "cool dudes" are laughing! CUT TO: EXT. "THE COOL DUDES WHO GET THE BIG GRANTS" TAVERN - DAY Honda Accords fill the lot. TWO MORE drive up and a SCIENTIST gets out of each. They hail each other and go in together. As they pull open the door, LAUGHTER spills out from inside. LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST (V.0.) The bastards... CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC REST ROOM PROBLEM" EXT. A VIDEO PRODUCTION TRUCK - DAY There is a SATELLITE DISH on top. Dave is with JOHN MADDEN. DAVE With me now is the great John Madden -- legendary coach of football's Oakland Raiders and veteran network analyst for CBS Sports and now the Fox Sports Network. John, thanks for coming by today. JOHN MADDEN Happy to be here Dave. DAVE John, you heard what our leading expert said about this particular anxiety that guys have regarding bathrooms in general and public ones in particular. Any thoughts? JOHN MADDEN Well he's exactly right, Dave. I mean the guy was a little loopy but he hit the nail on the head. DAVE So an airport bathroom presents a specific kind of challenge. 67. JOHN MADDEN The worst kind, Dave, and in a lotta ways. Because a guy's main goal is to get in and outta there without having to deal in any other way with any other guy - and in an airport bathroom especially, with the turnover rate they've got, he's up against some pretty mean odds. DAVE Couldn't agree more, John. Let's go INSIDE -- CUT TO: INT. VIDEO TRUCK - DAY - CONTINUOUS TECHNICIANS wearing headsets. Dave and John sit by a BANK OF MONITORS. There's a TELESTRATOR for John. JOHN MADDEN Okay. Now this angle here, we're outside the bathroom and the maintenance guy's just about to open it up. We SEE THE AREA OUTSIDE THE MEN'S ROOM, WITH "CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE" SIGNS IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH. A JANITOR starts removing the signs as a BUSINESS TRAVELER heads over. DAVE Here's our first candidate now -- INTERCUT WITH: INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS - ON MONITORS, WITH TELESTRATOR John diagrams the action, marking up the screen like a football play while the action unfolds. JOHN MADDEN Okay now the leadoff guy, he's gonna come in, he's gonna see the open field and he's gonna swing wide right to grab a spot against the wall. He's got one flank covered this way and for now he's feelin' pretty good -- and of course by doin' that, he's also settin' the tone for everything that happens after. râ¢ . 68. DAVE What's the main thing we're looking for, John. What does each individual guy feel he needs to get out of this. JOHN MADDEN Well the crucial thing here, is makin' sure there's no eye contact. I mean none - zero. These guys'll look up, they'll look down, they'll look straight ahead -- but a guy would rather have you poke both his eyes out with burning hot fire tongs, Dave, than to give the next guy over a reason to think you might be lookin' at him in a public bathroom. For reasons that oughtta be pretty darn obvious. DAVE Obvious indeed. Now here comes Guy Number Two -- The SECOND GUY comes in; John diagrams the call. JOHN MADDEN Now Guy Number Two, what he's gonna do is, he's gonna come in, see the first guy in position along the wall and right away he's gonna line up wide on the opposite side. This is a best case scenario here, something both these guys can appreciate. Plus they've opened up the middle for the third guy -- The THIRD GUY comes in. John diagrams his path to the middle urinal. The Guy goes there. DAVE What about eye contact in this situation. JOHN MADDEN Well you're still not likely to encounter any, but again if you do, that's what that buffer zone on either side of him's for. And all three of 'em are feelin' pretty lucky to have it, I can tell you that. DAVE Okay. Now if things stay like this... 69. JOHN MADDEN If things stay like this, you're fine - and if this were some small commuter airport, y'know late at night or somethin', then these guys could possibly even be home free. But we're talkin' Miami International here, this is the big time, we're talking about 747's, DC-10's, the big jumbo jets dumpin' off three- four hundred people at a clip. So everybody's gonna be next to somebody, which is the last thing any of these guys want. You're in a critical mass situation, and this is where a lotta mistakes get made. DAVE Which brings us to Guy Number Four. Here he comes -- JOHN MADDEN -- and there he goes... Guy #4 spins around and leaves. John and Dave watch; then. DAVE Now one thing that I know we're going to get asked, John, especially from women, is whether, as guys, we're aware of how utterly stupid this kind of behavior really is. JOHN MADDEN Well I think we know, Dave. Don't you think we know? DAVE I think we do. JOHN MADDEN (NODS) Have to be stupid not to. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC RESTROOM PROBLEM" 70. DAVE (V.O.) We did that. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUYS AT MIDLIFE" EXT. UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI - DAY Dave walks the campus. Threads through GORGEOUS COLLEGE GIRLS who don't know he's there. DAVE If there's anything that causes more anguish in a guy than sports anguish, and public restroom anguish, and hardware store anguish, it's the day that he realizes that somehow his life is half over now, and no matter what he tries to tell himself, he's not young anymore and he's never going to be young again. (then he stops) And as any guy'll tell you - it sucks. CUT TO: INT. AN ELEVATOR - DAY A GUY IN A SUIT, alone in here. Faint ELEVATOR MUSIC plays. ELEVATOR GUY I got used to having the Beatles and Stones called 'classic rock.' Then I heard Elvis Costello on an Oldies station. I figured, okay - who cares - at least it's on somewhere. But then I hear "London Calling," on Muzak. By the Clash. On Muzak. (SHRUGS) But what the hell. I'm in a suit and I go around all day explaining peoples' 401K plans to them. And Sting's doing commercials for Jaguar. He shakes his head; it's hopeless. CUT TO: INT. SHOPPING MALL BARBER SHOP - DAY The BARBER talks while cutting Dave's hair. 71. BARBER The way I see it, it's like menopause, right? Except men get it different. It doesn't show, y'see? The cramps don't come, the hot and cold flashes, and you don't have your magazines and drug stores filled with helpful stuff to do about it. But something comes, and it hits every guy who's living whether he likes it or not. Whether he knows it or not. Guy can lose his bleepin' mind if he doesn't watch out. He gets a mirror to show Dave the back. Gives him time to get philosophical. BARBER But you know? Maybe it's for the better. Maybe whoever designed all this, was afraid to let the men in on what was gonna be happening. Like if we knew, we'd bail or something. You know, ahead of time. CUT TO: INT. A BAR - DAY The BARTENDER wipes the bar down in front of Dave. BARTENDER I'm just telling you what I see. Every lousy day. A guy'll come in and sit down, right where you are. He loosens up a little and then it comes. The road not taken. Unexamined choices. An unfulfilled life. And other guys, they'll come in and don't say a word. The ones who just stare at the mirror. DAVE That sounds pretty bleak. BARTENDER (SHRUGS; THEN) I think it goes back to the old times. Ancient times, you know? When nobody was expected to live past forty. You got to forty? You died. (MORE) 72. BARTENDER (CONT'D) But now that men aren't doing that, there's a lot more shit up ahead, and none of it looks good so they go freak out and make a mess of things -- they'll quit their jobs or walk out on their marriages or make some other idiot grandstand move. None of them are happy and every single one of them wishes he did something else with his life and can't figure out how it got this way. Every single one of them. CUT TO: INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY A hotshot LAWYER is dictating a memo to his SECRETARY. LAWYER .therefore please be advised that in reference to the aforementioned subject matter, as per the original agreement dated 7 March Two Thousand, -- His Secretary stops writing. Waits. LAWYER ...7 March Two Thousand... SECRETARY Um. You said that already. LAWYER (shakes his head) I started here on the 7th of March. Fifteen years ago... SECRETARY Oh. Well - Happy Anni-- LAWYER What the hell am I doing. Why did I even think this would be a good idea -- to work my ass off every single day of my life? So I could come in here and dictate letters like this? SECRETARY They're not all like this. You do a lot of good... 73 LAWYER And what does it get me -- a twin- turbo convertible that I don't even get to drive, because I'm always traveling and renting shitbox cars in other cities where all I do is take clients out to lunch and tell them how to negotiate their golden parachutes? You ever sit in the driver's seat of one of those renta cars? SECRETARY Well my husband usually does the -- LAWYER Brand new cars, not even two thousand miles on them, and already they drive like camels. The seat's got no cushion left already, and you're lucky if you don't need a chiropractor after twenty minutes in one. What do people do in those things? SECRETARY Maybe I could get you something. You want something? LAWYER Yeah. I want something. I want the number of that hang-gliding place out on Route 33. SECRETARY You want to go hang gliding? LAWYER I want to teach hang gliding. SECRETARY I'm sorry. I didn't know you did that. LAWYER I don't do that. I want to do that. I've always wanted to do that, and lots of other things too -- only I'm stuck doing this all day long. And I don't even know what this is half the time, just that I have to spend every waking hour doing it. So you tell me -- where the hell does hang gliding fit into that. 74. SECRETARY Um. Saturdays? LAWYER Give me a break. SECRETARY (as he starts to leave) Where are you going? LAWYER I should have done this a long time ago. SECRETARY What about the letter? LAWYER Put in the usual bullshit. Nobody's gonna read it anyway. He's gone. She sits there. CUT TO: EXT. JOHNNY LAKE'S HANG GLIDING CENTER - DAY JOHNNY LAKE lifts a titanium frame up onto the back of a pickup. Part of it catches on the lift gate and he SWEARS, kicking it. About to really lay into it when the LAWYER drives up in his twin turbo convertible and gets out. LAWYER Hi! JOHNNY LAKE Sorry. We're closed. LAWYER (stunned; watches him) -- It's two thirty in the afternoon. JOHNNY LAKE Hey. I don't make the rules. LAWYER Aren't you the owner? JOHNNY LAKE You're right. I do make the rules. We're closed. 75. LAWYER (sees he means it) Look, there has to -- I really want to learn this -- I just quit my job to learn this. JOHNNY LAKE Be my guest - learn it. He kicks the frame again, walks off. The Lawyer watches. LAWYER How can you do this? This is the perfect job! JOHNNY LAKE Yeah right. Driving around in a rusted worthless pickup truck that's about to be repossessed anyway, while a guy like you, my own age, is going around in a Porsche Carrera. LAWYER But you get to fly. JOHNNY LAKE No, you get to fly. I get to hoof this shit up and down these godforsaken hilltops listening to stockbrokers brag about getting lap dances from college coeds, and charging the whole thing through the company expense account -- while I can't even deduct my blood pressure medication. That's what I get to do. He kicks a rock in the road, which almost feels good enough so he kicks another one -- but this one is buried in the dirt like an iceberg and doesn't budge -- JOHNNY LAKE Ahh, SHIT! -- and he falls down hobbling on one knee instead. CUT TO: INT. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON'S OFFICE - DAY Johnny Lake waits on the examining table, holding ice against his leg. The Lawyer sits on the extra chair reading EXOTIC ISLANDS MAGAZINE. 76. He holds up a PHOTO: a Guy in a hammock, in Paradise. LAWYER Look at this. JOHNNY LAKE You got that right. The Lawyer shakes his head; flips the page. JOHNNY LAKE Hey. (then on Lawyer's look; he shrugs) You don't think he's gonna... LAWYER What. JOHNNY LAKE You know. Have to use the -- LAWYER Glove? (then off his look) You hurt your knee. He already took the x-rays. JOHNNY LAKE What if something's broken. LAWYER Well he's not going in that way. You don't do a rectal to set a guy's leg. Still the guy looks doubtful. The ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON - British, familiar - comes in, with a fresh X-RAY. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON Well you've done quite a number on yourself. Want to see? JOHNNY LAKE Why should I. I wouldn't know what the hell I'm looking at. You're the one who went to medical school. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON Don't remind me. (then on their looks) What. You think I like this? (MORE) 77 ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON (CONT'D) The medical profession? Owing my life to the insurance cartel while the rest of the world thinks I'm so stinking rich? LAWYER Well.. .aren't you? ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON Of courseIam - I'm an orthopedic surgeon!Ijust don't like people assumingit! (THENASHIS BEEPER GOESOFF) And this -- I am so sick of this bloody thing I can't even tell you! Because every time it goes off it means I have to stop doing one thing I don't want to be doing, and start doing another thing I don't want to be doing. You call that a life? They look at him. Don't know what to say. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON -- Let me show you something. (puts down the x-ray, goes to a drawer) I've been working on this during my free time. Not like I get any. He gets an accordion-style envelope; takes out a REAM OF TYPED PAGES. Hands it over to Johnny Lake. JOHNNY LAKE What is it? ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON What is it? It's a screenplay! This'll blow the lid off the orthopedic surgery industry! Look - look here -- (takes it back; flips THROUGH) -- no wait, this part's better. No -- here! Here you go. Read this and tell me if you don't -- 78. He looks up. They're gone. CUT TO: EXT. "GUYS WHO WISH THEY HAD DIFFERENT JOBS" TAVERN - DAY The lot is filled with Ford Fiestas. The Lawyer and Johnny Lake drive up. When they pull the door open there's WHINING from inside... Then the BARTENDER FROM BEFORE comes out, storms past them and throws his rag down hard as he gets the hell out of there and away from that shit job. As Dave walks into frame, starts over to his car. DAVE Okay! Well it looks like it's time to talk about sex. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC RESTROOM PROBLEM" DAVE (V.0.) Will you knock it off? CUT TO: EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - DAY Dave gets out of his car and walks towards the mall. DAVE For the sake of any younger viewers who might still be paying attention, during this next segment we will be using certain euphemisms to describe a natural and wonderful thing that happens among grownups - grownups besides your parents, that is. CUT TO: INT. MALL BOOKSTORE - MAGAZINE AISLE - DAY Dave walks along all the COSMO'S, REDBOOKS, etc. DAVE Probably the fastest growing sector of the U.S. economy is the sector that conducts surveys asking women (MORE) DAVE (CONT'D) what is wrong with men. And in all those surveys, there is one main area that shows up constantly at the top of the charts. (he stops, pulls a MAGAZINE) -- Euphemisms. CUT TO: INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET - DAY Dave walks up the aisles filled with delectable things. DAVE when I say "euphemisms," I of course am not suggesting that guys don't have them. Guys have plenty of euphemisms. Most guys have more euphemisms in a single day - and here I am thinking of a day that occurred in the summer between ninth and tenth grades - than some women have in a lifetime - or longer, in the case of certain Math Teachers. CUT TO: EXT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - DAY Dave walks outside, past a line of SCHOOLKIDS off a BUS. DAVE It all goes back to a time, millions of years ago, when primitive males often had to complete their part of the equation quickly and right away stand ready to fight off attackers. CUT TO: INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - DAY - CONTINUOUS Dave walks past glassed-in DISPLAYS of CAVEMAN LIFE. DAVE Today, however, women want euphemisms too -- and this ability in males is no longer as prized as it once was. (MORE) 80. DAVE (CONT'D) In fact, when modern women describe the qualities they're looking for in the ideal man, the phrase "a real fast shooter" is usually pretty far down the list. (THEN STOPPING) Naturally, it fell to guys to do something about this. So, naturally - they did. CUT TO: EXT. A SKI CABIN - NIGHT Dave stands outside while Kelly and Gene come back from walking their dog. In a hurry. DAVE one technique for holding back the inevitable, is when the guy - just when he is about to have his euphemism - will hurl himself violently into an iron bed railing, and raise a lump on his head the size of a golf ball. CUT TO: INT. THE SKI CABIN - CONTINUOUS They come in the room, shedding clothes. He lifts her, carries her to the bed -- with nothing but pillows against the wall. He stops, panicked... GENE There's nothing there! CUT TO: EXT. THE CABIN - CONTINUOUS Dave watches the LIGHT GO OFF. Turns back to the CAMERA. DAVE In cases where there aren't any iron railings, a good backup technique can be found right on the end of the cold wet nose of the trusted family dog. CAMERA PANS to the window where we hear: 81. KELLY Yes...yes... GENE .yesyesyesyes...yesyesyesyes... KELLY .just hold on...yes... GENE .yesyesyesyesYEEE00000WWWW!!! CAMERA PANS back to Dave. DAVE There are also mental techniques -- CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Roger and Elaine are under the sheets. Some good early MOANING.. .as Dave comes in, holding a mike, interview style. DAVE One of the most time honored and reliable mental delaying styles, is the Baseball Method -- (taps Roger's shoulder) -- how's it going, Champ. Roger pokes his head out of the blanket; stays active from the neck down. ROGER Oh - yeah hi. (ACKNOWLEDGES CAMERA; then to Dave) Well, the baseball thing. I mean a while ago I was into that - big time. You know, fooling around with different lineups, mixing up the batting order - like thinking about what would happen if you took your cleanup guy and made him eighth or something -- just something stupid like that, you know? Stuff you'd never really do. DAVE And that did the trick. 82. ROGER Oh hell yeah. I mean I could go all night - literally all night - just shuffling my pitching staff around, or thinking about who I might try and sign at the winter meetings. Hang on -- He goes under the blanket; pays more attention to Elaine... then comes back. ROGER The thing is, it got stale. And I found after a while I wasn't enjoying sex or baseball that much. And you don't want to mess with that stuff. DAVE (CAN'T DISAGREE) So what do you do instead? ROGER Math problems. DAVE Really? (off his nod) You mean like if a train leaves Chicago at one o'clock and another train leaves Denver at two o'clock and they're going at different speeds? ROGER (shakes his head) I can't do train ones. I always end up imagining this beautiful girl on the train - and it makes things even worse. Elaine stops. Pops her head out. ELAINE what beautiful girl. ROGER -- You, Elaine. The girl on the train is always you. ELAINE Oh, Roger... 83. Roger gives Dave a close call look...then goes back to work. CUT TO: INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Dave helps himself, makes a sandwich. DAVE As you can see, a lot of guys are making a tremendous effort here - and yet, according to certain standards they are still, basically, lame as hell on almost every single count. The reason for this is simple: women set the standards. (takes a bite) And not just bedroom standards -- all standards. Because women invented standards. Remember the Dawn of Guys? CUT TO: EXT. PREHISTORIC CUL DE SAC - DAY Long shadows. PRIMATE WOMEN are still at it, pounding roots and dealing with PRIMATE KIDS. CUT TO: INT. PRIMATE ROGER AND ELAINE'S CAVE - DAY Primate Elaine, picking up around the cave. She stumbles on something gross... finally has had it. PRIMATE ELAINE (SUBTITLED) That's it. CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAVES - DAY - LATER Primate Elaine addresses the OTHERS. All SUBTITLES. PRIMATE ELAINE I've been thinking. We need some standards around here. PRIMATE KELLY What are standards? 84. PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN What is 'thinking?' The others turn, look at her. Look back at Primate Blaine. PRIMATE ELAINE Standards are like rules. Things they'll have to do. And things they'll have to stop doing. PRIMATE KELLY How about "no leaving your dirty smelly loincloths wherever you feel like it, and expecting me to do something about it?" Can that be a standard? PRIMATE ELAINE That can be one of the first. PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN How about "No gnawing on a fish head during sex?" PRIMATE ELAINE There are all kinds of things we can get them to do. PRIMATE LUCY How? They're stronger than we are. PRIMATE KELLY They smell stronger maybe. PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN (off their laughter) I like the smell. PRIMATE LUCY Of the men, or the rotten fish? PRIMATE KELLY There's a difference? More laughing; then they turn back to Primate Elaine. PRIMATE KELLY But how will we make them go along? Most of them can't even remember which cave to come home to every night. How are they going to remember rules? 85. PRIMATE ELAINE We'll give them a Look. PRIMATE LUCY A look? PRIMATE ELAINE A special look. A 'Certain Look.' PRIMATE KELLY But we look at them every day. And they still do whatever they want. PRIMATE ELAINE (as the others agree) I've been working on this. Watch. She turns to Primate Blonde Woman, who is holding a gourd. On the Look, the Blonde drops the gourd. PRIMATE ELAINE See? And she wasn't even doing anything. Agreements and "Wows" go all around. PRIMATE ELAINE Now who's with me. CUT TO: VARIOUS SHOTS, QUICK CUTS OF THE PRIMATE WOMEN TRYING TO GET THE "LOOK" RIGHT. EVENTUALLY, EVEN PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN GETS IT. . .ALTHOUGH AT ONE POINT SHE SCARES HERSELF AND DROPS THE GOURD AGAIN. CUT TO: EXT. TRAIL BACK TO THE CAVES - DUSK The Primate Guys come back lugging ANIMAL PARTS. Each now has his own ROCK, instead of the giant jagged slabs. PRIMATE GENE What are you doing later. PRIMATE ROGER I don't know. Probably just stare at the fire. 86. PRIMATE GENE A bunch of us are going over to Primate Blonde Woman's cave to see what she does with those gourds. Want to come? PRIMATE ROGER -- Can't. Primate Elaine's ancestors are still here. PRIMATE GENE Bummer. PRIMATE ROGER Tell me about it. (THEN) They are so Ice Age... CUT TO: INT. PRIMATE ROGER AND PRIMATE ELAINE'S CAVE - NIGHT Primate Roger watches Primate Elaine examine his NEW ROCK. Her PRIMATE MOM AND DAD hover on the edge of the discussion. PRIMATE ELAINE I don't get it. What was wrong with the other one. PRIMATE ROGER This one's better. It's an upgrade. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER What did he say it was called? PRIMATE ROGER An 'upgrade.' An improvement on a previous design. PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER What? What'd he say? PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER (to his wife) An upgrade. An grade. PRIMATE ROGER (to Primate Elaine) The guy said there are newer ones coming out that'll make even this one look primitive. They're getting lighter and rounder every epoch. 87 PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER What guy. PRIMATE ROGER Primate Discount Manny. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER (MUTTERS) Boy he must have seen this one coming... PRIMATE ELAINE Dad. (then to Primate Roger) I just wanted to know what the difference is between this one and the one you had. You were so excited about it when you got it, and now you've gotten rid of it -- and the only difference I can see is where this one has these markings painted on. She holds it up; something like BASEBALL SEAMS going around. PRIMATE ROGER Those make it so it travels better. PRIMATE ELAINE Painted on? (off his look) -- What'd it cost you. PRIMATE ROGER Nothing. A couple wildebeeste steaks and handful of seeds of some kind. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER I told you. (then to his wife) Did I say he was a bum? PRIMATE ROGER Who's a bum. Are you calling me a bum? PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER No one's calling anyone a bum. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER I'm just visiting. You do what you want. 88. PRIMATE ROGER Oh yeah? Who do you think killed your dinner tonight? PRIMATE ELAINE Look. Just take it back. Please. PRIMATE ROGER But I can't do that! All sales are final! PRIMATE ELAINE You can explain it to him. Tell him he can keep the steaks, but we want the seeds back. PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER (to Primate Roger) I don't mean to meddle. But you should listen to your wife. PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER That's meddling! That's meddling! (then to Primate Roger) -- But in this case she's right. PRIMATE ELAINE (to her parents) Look will you both stop? (then to Primate Roger) Just take this back. All right? PRIMATE ROGER This is totally unreasonable! (THEN) Oh I get it. Don't tell me -- it's your time in the moon cycle again -- He stops cold. Stunned by her CERTAIN LOOK. History's first in SLOW MOTION, FROM SEVERAL ANGLES, the way they do it when buildings explode in much bigger movies. PRIMATE ROGER -- I'll take it back. She smiles. FREEZE IMAGE. CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI, BAYSIDE COMPLEX - DAY Dave strolls among the SHOPPERS, TOURISTS etc. He has the ROCK with him; tosses it unconsciously like a baseball. 89. DAVE This is basically where we stand today. The only difference is, we have way more standards. (gives the ROCK to a KID passing by) There are social standards, about being sensitive - remembering anniversaries, listening during conversations, not eating soup with your hands, or sitting around in your underwear when company's over. CUT TO: INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY Dave goes up the escalator; walks through the kind of 'Home Stylings' section where no other guy would go. Everything he talks about is on display in some form. DAVE -- And there are thousands of standards for domestic life, involving even more totally un-guy concepts -- like curtains, bedspreads, napkins, special hangers, little soaps shaped like fruit, and decorative boxes that hold tissues that already come in a box. While guys, left on their own in the wild, will develop lifestyles that don't involve any of these things. CUT TO: INT. COLLEGE GUY APARTMENT - DAY COLLEGE ROGER and COLLEGE GENE stand in their doorway. There is one window, a lot of dust and nothing else. COLLEGE GENE I know just what this place needs. COLLEGE ROGER (NODS) Hockey sticks. They turn around to go buy hockey sticks. CUT TO: 90. INT. THE SAME APARTMENT - SOME MONTHS LATER A RABBIT on a lawn chair drinks beer out of an ashtray. College Roger and College Gene play Indoor Death Hockey; slamming into walls, scattering NEWSPAPERS and PIZZA BOXES - as their IMAGE FREEZES. DAVE of course, even by the most basic standards, these two are living like savages. But they honestly don't know this -- because Guys, in their natural state, aren't any more aware of domestic standards than a trout would be aware of the stock market. And this causes women a lot of concern. CUT TO: EXT. SEATTLE - E-CAFE - DAY SEATTLE GIRL Take laundry. To him his clean clothes are ready when he's ready to go get them. And they can dry the rest of the way in the drawer. But they don't dry the rest of the way in the drawer, they sit there in damp musty unfolded balls and he doesn't even mind, and I can't figure that out. What is the matter with folding something? What is the matter with waiting for it to be dry? CUT TO: INT. DAVE'S CURRENT BEDROOM - DAY Dave unloads a laundry basket on the bed. Starts folding the clean clothes and making piles. DAVE Laundry's a big issue - and a deep and puzzling mystery to guys. My own wife Michelle, for instance, is an accomplished sportswriter and mother of an extremely young child, yet she is still able to maintain a vigorous clothes-cleaning regimen bordering on the super-human. And I'm not allowed near the stuff. 91. MICHELLE (comes in with more CLOTHES) He's right. She dumps out the clothes, sees what he's doing and takes over, doing it better. Dave picks up a random BLOUSE, shows a LABEL with lots of printing on it. DAVE These are clearly secret codes, that women intuitively understand but cannot adequately explain -- just like how a lot of guys understand the Infield Fly Rule, without being able to explain that. MICHELLE I can explain the Infield Fly Rule. DAVE Because you're special, Sweetheart. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "GUY BASHING" EXT. OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY Dave anchors a semi circle with Sidra, Mia, Karla E and Lila. They take turns focus group style. SIDRA Sometimes I think they're just like tapeworms. You know? I mean tapeworms are just tapeworms - that's all they are, and all they'll ever be. They're just these repulsive little parasitic beasts and nobody expects anything different from them - because people know that's their nature. And it's the same way with guys - although a tapeworm's more likely to help clean out the garage. LILA (NODS) They have to be the biggest and they have to be the best. And they can never back down from a challenge. Ever. 92 KARLA E They sleep with your sister and wonder what's wrong with that. MIA They will make a game out of anything. A contest out of anything. Give them a grain of sand and they will figure out some game with it. LILA And they'll argue over the rules. KARLA E (off their agreement) They leave their dirty dishes everywhere. I can't believe the places I'll find some crusted over cereal bowl with yuckola blobs of God knows what in them. And the thing is, from his point of view? They really do get cleaned by magic! Because I can't take seeing them sit there, so I clean them. SIDRA (to Karla E) I just get him to wash my car when that stuff happens. KARLA E Sweetheart he could wash my car with his tongue and it still wouldn't make up for where I find those dishes sometimes. DAVE (while they commiserate) So now that we've heard your thoughts. The frustration, the exasperation... the obvious question comes to mind: Why go through it? Why have guys in your life at all? They look at him. MIA -- You mean as a choice? You mean like a mature adult choice to have a guy in your life? In spite of everything? 93 SIDRA Like trying to borrow money from you, after you've broken up, so he can buy something for his new girlfriend? And wondering what the problem was with that? I mean like really not knowing? Dave looks at her. They all do. Until -- LILA I'll tell you why. There is no good reason, that's why. The others turn, look her way. LILA -- I mean don't get me wrong. They really can be fun. You know, like a big stupid dog can be fun. I mean not everything has to be so serious in life. You want to be able to do more with someone than just read book reviews together - which is something a guy would never do anyway. (then as the others LISTEN CLOSER) But what a guy will do? Is at eleven o'clock at night he'll show up at your door and bring cheese steaks. And he doesn't care that you look all rumply and dreadful from not expecting anyone. He might not even remember that you're a vegetarian and don't eat cheese steaks -- but that doesn't really matter either. Because the point is he wanted one, and he can't come out and say it but he didn't want to eat it alone. MIA And you're the person he thought of. LILA (off her look; nods) I can't tell you what that feels like, when they do that. (a beat; and then) I swear, if they knew how adorable they are sometimes, they'd be dangerous. I mean -- more dangerous. The other Girls think about that. Considering... 94. SIDRA -- Bullshit. They're tapeworms. The rest of them agree and all high-five her. Dave leans back from the fray, turns to the CAMERA. DAVE I think it's time for the conclusion now. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE CONCLUSION" EXT. JOHNNY LAKE'S HANG GLIDING CENTER - DAY A SIGN says "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT." Dave is on top of the hill, in a rig that the EX-LAWYER is fastening him into. DAVE Well now you know where things stand. You've learned a little bit about guys, and the critical roles they've played in the past and in modern society today. And for better or worse, they're here with us to stay -- so the best thing you can do about it, is continue to learn about them - by coming to see this movie lots and lots of times, and bringing more and more of your friends back every time you do. Because the more people that understand guys, the better for everyone. And the more people that -- (as the Lawyer launches HIM) -- WHOAAAAAAAALII Off he goes. . .right out of frame, and -- FADE TO BLACK. MUSIC AND END CREDITS BEGIN, AS -- CUT TO: A PICTURE OF ROGER AND ELAINE, IN ROGER'S CAR SUBTITLE: Roger now owns a 104-piece tool set, and he has successfully attempted to change his first switchplate. A PICTURE OF ELAINE WITH HER HEAD AGAINST THE BASEMENT DOOR 95. SUBTITLE: Elaine has an open line of credit with Steve. A PICTURE OF GENE AND KELLY, AT A DANCE CLASS SUBTITLE: Gene and Kelly won the Fred and Ginger Award in three straight ballroom competitions. Gene was right; they belong together. A PICTURE OF SHERYL CROW, IN CONCERT SUBTITLE: Sheryl Crow gave a concert in Central Park for half a million people a while back. We weren't there, but we have it on CD. A PICTURE OF RICHARD M. NIXON WAVING GOODBYE SUBTITLE: Richard M. Nixon was finally elected President in 1968. He held that position until August, 1974, when he resigned in disgrace. A PICTURE OF AGENTS LEOPOLD AND STEARNS SUBTITLE: Agent Leopold and Agent Stearns were fired by the FBI for gross incompetence. They now work in network television. A PICTURE OF THE BRITISH GUY WHO PLAYED EVERY EXPERT SUBTITLE: This man is not really an expert. If you see him, don't listen to any of his opinions. A PICTURE OF A BALLPLAYER, WITH HIS FACE BLURRED OUT SUBTITLE: Rufino Lupenza is an imaginary ballplayer, created by the filmmakers to prove a point. However, if he did exist, and if he were any good, the Yankees probably would get him. And that would suck. A PICTURE OF JOHN MADDEN ON A TV SCREEN. WHICH THEN COMES ALIVE -- JOHN MADDEN Now these are the kinda end credits you like to see. You got the final update thing goin', where you find out how all the characters you've been watchin' are gonna turn out. You got good music, a lively kinda feel, and maybe most of all, the movie itself isn't too long -- He reacts now, looking down at the TAIL CREDITS as they start speeding up. 96. JOHN MADDEN -- that's how you know it's a real movie, in my book. That's how you know it's not some boring kinda art piece made by these tortured head case kids fresh outta film school -- you're not gonna come outta this theater talkin' about symbolism, or the use of darkness and light or any kinda mumbo-jumbo like that -- you come out of this movie and you're laughin'. And that's what I like in a movie - a movie that's funny but it doesn't take forever, you know? You still got some time to do somethin' after, maybe go get somethin' to eat, y'know? Because the guys behind the thing knew enough not to drag on and on and -- CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "THE END" As the MUSIC FADES.. .and it's QUIET. A good quiet... DAVE (V.0.) Hey what do you know? We got through the whole entire thing without saying "booger." FADE OUT: THE END

DEADPOOL Written by Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick Final Shooting Script - November 16, 2015 OVER BLACK. Low volume, through a tinny speaker, JUICE NEWTON'S `ANGEL OF THE MORNING.' FADE UP ON: 1 EXT./INT. TAXI CAB - MORNING 1 DEADPOOL, in full DRESS REDS and MASK, quietly FIDGETS in the BACK SEAT of a TAXI CAB as it proceeds along a CITY FREEWAY. Deadpool adjusts the two KATANAS strapped to his back. Rolls the WINDOWS up, down, up. Tries futilely to untwist the seatbelt, then LUNGES forward, locking it up. Rifles through a tourist booklet and tears out a HAUNTED SEGWAY TOUR coupon. The CABBIE, young, thin, brown, glances back and forth from the rear view to the road to the rear view. DEADPOOL Kinda lonesome back here. CUT TO: DEADPOOL, WEDGING himself through the opening between the back seat and front. His two katanas don't cooperate, catching on the Plexiglas, stalling him mid-torso. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Little help? The cabbie grabs Deadpool's hand and pulls him through to the front. Deadpool's head rests upside down on the bench seat as he maneuvers his legs through. The cabbie turns the helping hand into a HANDSHAKE, then turns down the Juice. CABBIE Dopinder. DEADPOOL (still upside-down) Pool. Deadpool. Dopinder is remarkably UNAFFECTED by the lunatic in his cab. DOPINDER Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? DEADPOOL It's like Christmas Day, Dopinder. Been waiting one thousand eight hundred twenty- two days, three hours... (checks `Adventure Time' watch) ...and thirty-six minutes for this shit. (CONTINUED) 2. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 1 CONTINUED: 1 DEADPOOL turns himself RIGHT-SIDE-UP in the front seat. He is YOKED to the gills and ARMED to the teeth. TWIN KATANAS. TWIN DESERT EAGLE .50 CALIBER PISTOLS. Deadpool grabs Dopinder's OPEN BAG of CORN NUTS. Dopinder isn't quick enough to stop him. Deadpool gazes out the window onto the city - a teeming, sooty urban sprawl that looks almost... pre-post-apocalyptic. Deadpool turns up his MASK. Dopinder catches a GLIMPSE of the bottom of a SCARRED face. And quickly looks AWAY. Deadpool eats the CORN NUTS. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. Points. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Nice. Dopinder eyes his DAFFODIL DAYDREAM AIR FRESHENER and takes a deep breath through his nose. DOPINDER Smells good, no? DEADPOOL Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. A PICTURE of a young INDIAN WOMAN is taped to the dash. DOPINDER Ah yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. She was supposed to make me a very agreeable wife. Mom and Dad chose her rather excellently. But Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. Bandhu is as dishonorable as he is attractive. DEADPOOL Dopinder, I'm starting to think I'm in this cab for a reason. DOPINDER Because you hailed it? DEADPOOL No, my slender brown friend... to give you one crucial piece of advice: Love... is a beautiful thing. When it finds you, the whole world smells like Daffodil Daydream. Deadpool's own heartbreak is palpable. He takes another deep, cleansing BREATH. (CONTINUED) 3. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 1 CONTINUED: (2) 1 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) So hold onto love tight. Go at Bandhu hard. Get Gita back. Or else... the whole world will taste like Mama June after hot yoga. DOPINDER And how does Ms. Mama June taste? DEADPOOL Like two hobos making love under a drizzle of Limburger- I could go all day like this. Point is, bad. Deadpool chucks the bag of Corn Nuts into the back seat and pulls out his PISTOLS. He starts CHAMBERING shells into two magazines. Suddenly, he frantically pats himself down, like a Hollywood agent who can't find his phone. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Shiiiit. My extra mags! I usually leave them right by the door so I'll trip over them! Someone must've moved them... 2 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY 2 A blind late-70's AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN in a purple floral dress enters the front door, falls as she trips over an `I *HEART* HELLO KITTY' DUFFEL BAG of AMMUNITION, PICKS it UP, and CARRIES it OFF. 3 INT./EXT. TAXI CAB - MORNING 3 DOPINDER Shall we turn back? DEADPOOL No time. Not today. (slides in last bullets) Ten, eleven, twelve... or bust. (chambers a shell into each gun, looks up) Right here! The cab SCREECHES to a stop on the shoulder of the highest FREEWAY in a massive INTERCHANGE of freeways. Dopinder halts the meter and hands Deadpool his CARD. DOPINDER My card. That's $27.50. (CONTINUED) 4. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 3 CONTINUED: 3 DEADPOOL Oooo. I never carry a wallet when I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit. How 'bout a crisp high five? Dopinder stares as he and Deadpool slap skin. Deadpool GETS OUT of the cab. DOPINDER Be sure to... ask for me again? DEADPOOL I owe you one. Merry Christmas, Dopinder. DOPINDER And a convivial... Tuesday in April to you, Pool... Guy. Deadpool closes the door with a flourish. Boom. 4 EXT./INT. `THE RAFT' PRISON - MORNING 4 A bone-white ISLAND PRISON, affectionately nicknamed `The Raft,' looms ominously in a CITY HARBOR. Etched in helvetica into the prison wall: `No punishment has ever possessed enough power of deterrence to prevent the commission of crimes.' - Hannah Arendt. Below it, GRAFFITIED in RED SPRAY PAINT: `Until NOW' The prison's FRONT DOORS OPEN, and out steps a handcuffed PRISONER, 30's, ORANGE JUMPSUIT, broad shoulders, whip-smart, tightly coiled, with cool, dead-blue eyes. BURLY GUARDS guide him across a CAUSEWAY toward a CONVOY of Escalades and Ducatis on shore. The middle Escalade's door opens. The prisoner stops. The guards unlock his CUFFS. GUARD You're someone else's problem now. The ex-prisoner STRETCHES his arms and strides TOWARD the convoy. PRISONER Yes. I. Am. CUE SALT & PEPA'S `SHOOP:' 5. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 5 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - DAY 5 DEADPOOL sits on the edge of the highest freeway on the overpass, legs dangling over the side like Huck Finn. DEADPOOL Can I get some fries with that shake- shake boobie? If looks could kill you would be an uzi. Deadpool is using some broken CRAYONS to draw something on a scrap of paper. REVERSE ANGLE to REVEAL a childish drawing of Deadpool SHOOTING another man in the head, brains blowing out. The victim's thought bubble reads: `OUCHIE!!!' Even through the mask, Deadpool looks pleased by this. He turns to CAMERA: DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Oh, hello, Deadpool here. You may be wondering whose balls I had to fondle to get my own movie. Rhymes with `Polverine.' Couple'a smooth criminals. (ALT:) In a word, gorgeous. (ALT:) Surprisingly little hair down there. (ALT:) It's a jungle down there. (ALT:) Thick underbrush. (beat) Anyway, I smell Oscar. The suit's gonna match the carpet. Now... places to be... faces to fix... bad guys to kill... ANGLE ON a distant BIRD'S EYE VIEW of the freeway interchange: an interwoven tangle of ramps. 6 EXT. REMOTE AIRFIELD - MORNING 6 AJAX, 30's, dead-blue eyes, broad shoulders, whip-smart, tightly coiled stands at ease on a cracked and blistered tarmac. Behind him, a HEAVILY ARMED CONVOY OF DUCATIS and ESCALADES. FOUR LARGE ALUMINUM CARGO CRATES sit beside him. Ajax squints into the sun as A BELL HELICOPTER thrashes the air above him, kicking up dust as it lands. (CONTINUED) 6. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 6 CONTINUED: 6 A SERBIAN WARLORD, mid-50's, sharply dressed, armored BRIEFCASE in hand, climbs out. He is surrounded by ARMED GUARDS. The Warlord places the BRIEFCASE on the FOREMOST CRATE. Ajax pops the case... to find STACKS upon STACKS of THOUSAND DOLLAR BILLS. Satisfied, he closes the briefcase and hands it to one of his men. AJAX (bangs crate) They won't disappoint. WARLORD They'd better not. And next month's shipment? AJAX There won't be one. Demand is high. You aren't the only one with a war to win. WARLORD (steps forward) That won't do. Both sets of armed thugs shift to ready positions. Ajax smiles calmly, but his free hand DARTS OUT and CASUALLY LIFTS the warlord into the air by the THROAT. Fingers find triggers on both sides. AJAX There's been a small... disruption in our supply chain. We'll deliver in full the following month. Say, ten percent off for the inconvenience? The Warlord manages to nod in acquiescence. Ajax smiles again, lowers him gasping to the ground. AJAX (CONT'D) We appreciate your business. Ajax spins and walks purposefully toward the line of waiting SUV's. The warlord angrily motions for his men to begin loading the crates into the helicopter, which they do. WARLORD (sotto voce) Fucking mutant. (CONTINUED) 7. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 6 CONTINUED: (2) 6 Behind him the convoy of SUV's and motorcycles pull out, falling into line as they accelerate past the rows of derelict aircraft. 7 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - DAY 7 DEADPOOL watches as the convoy approaches. He CASUALLY gets up as if standing up out of an easy chair... DEADPOOL On your mark, get set, go, let me go, let me shoop... He PIROUETTES, and DROPS an entire level DOWN... 8 INT. ESCALADE - MORNING 8 THROUGH the SUNROOF of an ESCALADE. SMASH! There are FOUR HUGE BAD-ASSES inside the S.U.V., two in front, two behind. Deadpool lands back-middle in a HAILSTORM of GLASS. He stuns the men to both sides with elbows to the face as he raises his arms in greeting. DEADPOOL ¡Hola! ¡Me llamo Piscina De La Muerte! (subtitled, in YELLOW:) Hello! My name is the Pool of Death. There's no easy way to say this. I'm pregnant, Trevor. (ALT:) Any of you seen Green Lantern? Me neither. BOOM! MAYHEM ERUPTS as the two men in back find themselves sharing a phone booth with the TASMANIAN DEVIL: ELBOWS. FOREARMS. KNEES. CRACKING. CRUNCHING. SCREAMING. From BEHIND, the Escalade BUCKS and BOUNCES down the road on its suspension, almost CARTOON-LIKE. A brutal punch spins Deadpool UPSIDE-DOWN, and he rolls with it, uses his FEET to BREAK the man's NECK. The other man stomps on his head, then drags him up and SMUSHES Deadpool's face into the seat's premium trim. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Rich... Corinthian... Leather. Deadpool HURLS the man through THROUGH the TAILGATE WINDOW. The man clutches the TAILGATE, DRAGGED behind the S.U.V. Deadpool sticks his head between the two guys in FRONT. (CONTINUED) 8. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 8 CONTINUED: 8 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Scuse, por favor! The DRIVER SLAMS Deadpool's head into the console repeatedly. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Deadpool squirms away and WRESTLES VIOLENTLY with the guy in the PASSENGER SEAT. He GRABS the PASSENGER SEAT-BELT, TIES it around the guy's ANKLE, and KICKS him out the PASSENGER SIDE DOOR. The guy's HEAD and SHOULDERS SMACK pavement, where he's DRAGGED mercilessly by his ANKLE - a modern COWBOY whose boot just got stuck in his horse's STIRRUP. Deadpool grabs the driver by the HAIR on the BACK of his HEAD and BANGS his FOREHEAD into: The horn. HONK. HONK. The stereo. Every time the driver's forehead SMACKS the face of the stereo, the RADIO STATION CHANGES: MARIACHI. DR. DREW. MONSTER TRUCK COMMERCIAL ('SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!'). One more SMACK to get us back to MARIACHI. Deadpool looks in the REAR VIEW MIRROR to see the man in back CRAWL up the tailgate. Deadpool PUSHES in the Cadillac's CIGARETTE LIGHTER. Back to the DRIVER. Deadpool BASHES his face into the DRIVER's SIDE WINDOW. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. We're now OUTSIDE the Escalade, seeing the driver's expression take on a ridiculous silly-putty-esque grimace of pain every time it's MUSHED into the glass. The man in back scrambles forward. The CIGARETTE LIGHTER POPS OUT. Deadpool YANKS the EMERGENCY BRAKE. The man in back LAUNCHES forward and SMACKS the DASHBOARD. Deadpool STABS the now ORANGE-HOT lighter into the man's forehead, burning the COIL PATTERN into his skin. The man SCREAMS. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Loved your work in Daredevil. Deadpool stuffs the lighter INTO the man's mouth and CLAMPS his hand over it. (CONTINUED) 9. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 8 CONTINUED: (2) 8 The man hollers in muffled agony. A MOTORCYCLE has pulled AHEAD of the ESCALADE and now sits, STOPPED, in its path. The helmeted RIDER OPENS FIRE with a SUB-MACHINE GUN. Deadpool has one hand grasped on the back of the driver's neck, still mashing his face into the window glass, and the OTHER hand still clamped over the second man's mouth. He plants both FEET on the steering wheel and `drives,' spinning the wheel, sending the S.U.V. into... ...a ROLL. The Escalade goes ENDO, SOMERSAULTING WILDLY. Suddenly, the ACTION BEGINS TO SLOW... The motorcycle RIDER tries to bail out. NO LUCK. The tumbling Escalade PLOWS RIGHT INTO him AND his bike. Parts scatter off the motorcycle, including its CHAIN. The RIDER continues to SQUEEZE off ROUNDS as he goes FLYING. Inside the Escalade, Deadpool goes SPIN-CYCLE. The DRIVER flies through the sunroof, tearing out its remaining glass. BLOOD spatters. The other man spits out the glowing CIGARETTE LIGHTER. The guy whose ankle is still tangled in the seat-belt FLAILS through the air like a rag-doll, AHAB tied to MOBY DICK. The action CONTINUES to SLOW... until it FREEZES. The camera swoops in to Deadpool's face, upside down. HE TURNS HIS HEAD TO CAMERA FOR THE FIRST TIME, BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL, THE ONLY THING IN THE SCENE THAT'S MOVING: DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Shit. Did I leave the stove on? We RAMP back UP to FULL SPEED. The S.U.V. CARTWHEELS. The guy's ankle untangles from the seat-belt. He FLIES high toward a big HIGHWAY EXIT SIGN and... SPLAT... out of frame. The RIDER's NECK is SLICED by the flying MOTORCYCLE CHAIN. The DRIVER is half-way out the SUNROOF when the S.U.V. rolls over him. SQUISH. The man who ate the CIGARETTE LIGHTER now eats pavement. VX8 EXT. X-MANSION - DAY VX8 A sign reads `PROFESSOR XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS. (CONTINUED) 10. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VX8 CONTINUED: VX8 REPORTER (O.S.) Breaking news. A multicar collision turns shots fired on the crosstown expressway... The sign sits on the perfectly manicured front lawn of the gorgeous Gothic X-MANSION. VX8 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS VX8 The X-Men's COLOSSUS. A GOOD-NATURED GIANT with CHROME METAL FOR SKIN. BIG AS A BARN. OTHER-WORLDLY STRONG. He is sitting in the kitchen, eating a bowl of GRAPE NUTS and finishing a SUDOKU, his attention suddenly drawn to a TELEVISION SCREEN: REPORTER The assailant appears to be wearing a... COLOSSUS REPORTER (CONT'D) Red suit? Red suit. With an audible CRACK, the pencil in Colossus' thick fingers snaps. He rises, muttering Russian curses and stalks from the kitchen. VC8 INT. HANGAR - MOMENTS LATER VC8 Massive STEEL BLAST DOORS emblazoned with a huge "X" slide open to reveal COLOSSUS. He walks quickly and purposefully towards a big plane in the center of the huge space: the BLACKBIRD, the X-Men's modified XR-71 jet transport. Struggling to keep up with the giant's long strides is a supernaturally CUTE, supernaturally DEADPAN 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL, in an X-MEN outfit. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. COLOSSUS I've given Deadpool every chance to join us. And what is my reward? More immaturity and criminality! When will he finally grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? NTW Like... The house that blows up every few years? The fashion-forward jump-suits? I need to get myself kicked out of X- School. COLOSSUS But I thought you were at top of class. (CONTINUED) 11. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VC8 CONTINUED: VC8 NTW Was that sarcasm? Awesome. COLOSSUS You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. (hands NTW a protein bar) Here. Protein bar, good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours. NTW shoves the bar in a pocket of her coat without breaking stride. 9 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - MORNING 9 The S.U.V. slides to a halt ON ITS SIDE, PASSENGER WINDOWS UP. The rest of the CONVOY is forced to stop BEHIND. A BUNCH of MEN PILE OUT, each one carrying a BEASTLY GUN and POINTING it STRAIGHT at the disabled S.U.V. The last noise is made by one final dislodged HUBCAP, which rattles in little circles until it lies FLAT on the freeway. TWO SILENT BEATS. Then we hear the soft, ELECTRIC BUZZ of the Escalade's middle passenger window ROLLING DOWN. Up pops the HEAD of DEADPOOL, like the GOPHER in Caddyshack. BANG BANG BANG BANG. DEADPOOL Wait, wait... The head drops, the hands come up. BANG. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Wait! You're probably wondering. Why the red suit? It's so bad guys can't see me bleed. This guy has the idea. He wore the brown pants. (to camera) All together now... The THUGS immediately OPEN FIRE. Deadpool is already leaping upward, flipping backwards, bullets tearing the air beneath him as he pulls out those TWO MASSIVE .50 CAL PISTOLS... and in slo-mo, RETURNS FIRE. Deadpool keeps count of every bullet he fires: DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Twelve..! (CONTINUED) 12. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 9 CONTINUED: 9 A SHELL-CASING is EJECTED. We enter EXTREME SLO-MO and SWOOP IN on the shell as it TUMBLES through the air... ...revealing the number `00012' ETCHED in a semi-circle on its butt end. Deadpool FIRES the second pistol. We move instantly to the second shell: `00011' DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Eleven... FULL SPEED. The first TWO THUGS get a MOUTHFUL of BULLET. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Ten... ANOTHER SHOT. A THUG takes one in the HEART. The other thugs POUR LEAD into the disabled S.U.V. Deadpool LEAPS UP and OUT of the window, rising ABOVE the incoming shots, then LANDING SAFELY BEHIND the Escalade. Deadpool TURNS to SPY a MOTORCYCLE RIDER BEARING DOWN ON HIM. This rider wears a distinctive SILVER HELMET. Deadpool raises BOTH pistols. This RIDER LEANS away, dodging each slug. First left, then right, then left. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Nine. Shit! Eight. Fuck! Seven. Shit- fuck! The bike WHIZZES PAST safely, firing bullets, DEADPOOL follows, leaping high, flipping over the S.U.V. He lands smoothly the other side, right BEHIND a thug who's looking in the other direction as he sneaks around the car. Deadpool SHRUGS and SHOOTS him in the BACK of the HEAD at POINT BLANK RANGE. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Six. The shell tumbles to the ground, falls still. `00006' Deadpool opens the Escalade. His target is NOT THERE. BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG. Deadpool is nearly BROUGHT DOWN by a particularly big thug with a particularly big AK-47. He dives behind another Escalade, takes a moment to search the interior through the windows... and then flinches as AK- 47 bullets pass THROUGH the skin of the S.U.V. around him. (CONTINUED) 13. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 9 CONTINUED: (2) 9 One of the bullets lands in DEADPOOL'S BICEP. Deadpool yelps, in pain... then stuffs some of his torn red suit fabric into the hole to staunch the bleeding. Then he scrambles AROUND the S.U.V., trying to close the distance to this guy through a WITHERING BARRAGE of fire. Another of the AK's slugs SLICES a swath out of the mask on Deadpool's head, SINGING his hair. DEADPOOL. Fuck. You. Deadpool lands in FRONT of the thug. The thug pulls his trigger again, only to - CLICK - realize he's OUT of BULLETS. DEADPOOL Someone's not counting. Cinco. The bullet HITS the thug in the throat. `00005' DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Me gusta cinco. Deadpool STRIDES past the fallen thug, pawing at his singed hair - ow - and then out of sheer, pumped-up ANGER... ...turns and PUMPS TWO MORE SUPERFLUOUS BULLETS into him. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Four. Three. Stupid. Worth it. The SILVER-HELMETED MOTORCYCLE RIDER makes another pass, FIRING. Deadpool ducks behind the S.U.V. again. 20 yards away, a GROUP of thugs TAKE COVER behind the final S.U.V. One pulls out a HAND-GRENADE, RAISES HIS ARM to throw. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (chuckles) Number two... Deadpool FIRES, SHOOTING the GRENADE in the thug's FIST. BOOM! The whole CLUSTER of THUGS drops. Deadpool emerges from behind the S.U.V., feeling victorious. He approaches the final S.U.V. and throws open the doors to search, expecting to find his target at last. Inside is a rumpled orange prison coverall, but NOT the PRISONER. Deadpool gets childishly angry. (CONTINUED) 14. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 9 CONTINUED: (3) 9 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) What the shit-biscuit! Where you at, Francis? Worse, CLICK-CLACK. The distinctive COCKING of SHOTGUNS. 3 final THUGS stand on the freeway, lined up perpendicular to Deadpool, SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER, FIRING BENELLI COMBAT SHOTGUNS. BAM! BAM! BAM! Deadpool ducks behind the S.U.V. and raises a PISTOL. We ZOOM IN through the CHAMBER to spy the last BULLET, POISED in front of the FIRING PIN: `00001' Deadpool thinks, then LEAPS from behind the `SCLADE, TWISTS forward and right. All 3 THUGS FIRE again. BUCKSHOT rips into DEADPOOL's BACK. But he LANDS so that all 3 men are now parallel to him... ...in A SINGLE-FILE LINE. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) One. BOOM! We're with the FINAL BULLET as it HURTLES from the gun and passes THROUGH the first man's head... then the SECOND man's head... and SMACKS the third man in the forehead. This third man, the BIGGEST THUG YET, HITS the DECK. Deadpool puts his mouth to his pistol barrel, INHALES... and then EXHALES smoke through the pores of his mask. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I'm touching myself tonight. But then, as if by magic, the third thug STIRS... and STANDS. The SLUG has LODGED partway in his FOREHEAD, having lost just enough momentum that it didn't make it all the way through. The thug sneers, plucks out the slug, wipes away some blood, and rolls up his SLEEVES. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Really? Rolling up the sleeves? Deadpool reaches back. We hear the THRILLING SOUND... (CONTINUED) 15. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 9 CONTINUED: (4) 9 ...of STEEL BLADES being DRAWN. Out come Deadpool's TRADEMARK KATANAS. The thug's eyes widen as... ...SWOOSH... the blades swing through the air and SKEWER him, between two different ribs and out the BACK. DEADPOOL (V.O.) I know what you're thinking... The action SLOWS again to a FREEZE. Deadpool is in mid- slice, muscles bulging. DEADPOOL (V.O.) I'll bet he works out. So what if I am pulling the double shift at the ab- factory? What if I do want my man menu to feature the shredded beef? Call it insecurity. But I haven't touched a carb since... 10 INT. FOYER, TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT - PAST 10 Title: 6 Years Ago A sleazy, mid-thirties MAN, GAVIN MERCHANT, decked out in DRAGON PRINT V-NECK and STUDDED JEANS, is MID-ARGUMENT with a late teen, pimply-faced PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, whose name-tag reads: JEREMY. MERCHANT Will it help if I slow down? I didn't. Order. The pizza. JEREMY This 7348 Red Ledge Drive? (off nod) And you're... Mr. Merchant? MERCHANT The Mr. Merchant who didn't. Order. The. Fucking. Pie. JEREMY Then who placed the call? A TOILET flushes in another room, and both men turn. WADE (O.S.) I did. (CONTINUED) 16. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 10 CONTINUED: 10 The VOICE comes from over Merchant's shoulder. WADE WILSON (the future DEADPOOL, MINUS the SCARS and SUIT), handsome, boyish, cheerily steps from through a doorway and into the living room wiping his hands on a towel. Merchant STARES, incredulous. WADE (CONT'D) Pineapple and olive? Jeremy NODS. WADE (CONT'D) Sweet and salty. MERCHANT The fuck are you? And what are you doing in my crib?! Without even turning toward Merchant, Wade PULLS OUT A .50 CALIBER DESERT EAGLE PISTOL and nonchalantly AIMS it at him. Merchant and Jeremy both go pale. WADE (to Jeremy) Burnt crust? JEREMY God I hope not. (opens the box, winces) Words cannot express- WADE Relax, son, that's hows I likes it! Once you go black, you never go back! (takes pizza) MERCHANT (stammering) This is about the poker game, right? I told Howie... Listen, take whatever you want! Merchant fumbles with his wallet and starts to hand Wade the bills inside. Wade takes the ENTIRE WALLET instead. WADE Thanks! JEREMY (to Wade) Uh. Sir? Before you do anything to him. Could I have a big tip? (CONTINUED) 17. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 10 CONTINUED: (2) 10 WADE (already munching) Jeremy, is it? JEREMY Yeah. WADE Wade Wilson. (quick fist bump) Jeremy, that's a no go on the tiperoo. I'm not here for him. (levels gun at Jeremy) I'm here for you. Jeremy's eyes widen. Wade holds up a YELLOW CARD, featuring an embedded SIM. Below the logo of a CYPRESS TREE is the name of Wade's intended target: `GARRETT, JEREMY.' Merchant breathes a sigh of relief. MERCHANT Dodged a big time bullet on that o- Wade PISTOL-PUNCHES/POKES Merchant in the forehead. Merchant howls. WADE (re: studded jeans) Not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. (sniffs) And the Axe body spray. JEREMY (sheepish) That's unfortunately me. WADE PS, I'm keeping your wallet. Ya did kinda give it to me... MERCHANT Can I at least have my Sam's Club card baaa- Wade points the pistol at Merchant again, sending him backpedaling into a chair. WADE I will shoot your fucking cat. (CONTINUED) 18. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 10 CONTINUED: (3) 10 MERCHANT I don't have a cat! WADE Then whose kitty-litter did I just shit in? (turns to Jeremy) Anyhoo, you by chance know a Meghan Orlovsky? Getting that right? Orlovsky? Orloskvy? Do you? Jeremy manages a timid little NOD. WADE (CONT'D) Good. `Cause she knows you. Wade holsters the pistol and WHIPS out a HUNTING KNIFE. He twirls it adeptly... but instead of holding it to Jeremy's neck... CUTS himself a SLICE of PIZZA. WADE (CONT'D) What situation isn't improved by pizza? Wade shovels half the slice into his mouth, revealing an Army SPECIAL FORCES TATTOO on his forearm: A SKULL WEARING A GREEN BERET, BACKED BY A BLADE, AND THE WORDS `DE OPPRESSO LIBER' (official motto of the U.S. Army Special Forces). WADE (CONT'D) (through chews) Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. (cuts another pizza slice) Little Meghan's not made of money, but lucky her, I've got a soft spot. Wade brings the next pizza slice over to Merchant. Wade nearly hands it to him but lets go too soon. The slice falls flat - pineapple down - onto the floor at Merchant's feet. JEREMY B-but I'm- WADE (returns to Jeremy) A stalker. Threats hurt, Jer. Though not nearly as bad as serrated steel. Wade pokes the end of his knife into Jeremy's chest, pinning him against the wall. WADE (CONT'D) So keep away from Meghan. We cool? (CONTINUED) 19. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 10 CONTINUED: (4) 10 JEREMY Y-yeah. A beat. In a huge ANTI-CLIMAX, Wade deftly twirls his knife AWAY from Jeremy's chest, SPINS it on his finger, and JAMS it back into its SLEEVE. WADE Then we're done. JEREMY W-we are? WADE Soft spot, remember? But even look in her general direction again? You'll learn in the worst of ways. (pats Jeremy's cheek) I've got some hard spots too. (pauses) That came out wrong. Or did it? 11 EXT. SKATE PARK - NIGHT - PAST 11 SKATE PUNKS carve on ramps built into the sides of a highway underpass. A group of TEEN GIRLS are perched at the bottom of the nearby stairs, texting each other from inches away. An old-fashioned GHETTO BLASTER bangs `SHOOP.' SALT & PEPA I love you in your big jeans. GIRLS (join chorus) You give me nice dreams. You make me wanna scream... Boom. A PIZZA BOX lands at their feet. On top of it lands a POLAROID PICTURE. WADE (O.S.) "Oooo, oooo, oooo!" A FRIZZY-HAIRED EMO GIRL picks up the Polaroid... of a terrified JEREMY holding another pizza box that has been cut into a heart, the words `I'm Sorry' scrawled onto it, a PEE- STAIN on his JEANS, and a laughing WADE photo-bombing with the knife to his neck. She looks UP to see: Wade bobbing to the music. WADE (CONT'D) You've seen the last of Jeremy. (CONTINUED) 20. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 11 CONTINUED: 11 The girl - MEGHAN ORLOVSKY - leaps up and HUGS Wade tight. WADE (CONT'D) That's why we do it. GIRL #2 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? GIRL #3 How `bout Vice Principal Renwiki? WADE (suddenly serious) What'd he do to you? GIRL #3 Suspended me for smoking. WADE (turns to go) Good for him! Sorry, ladies. Me no dig cigs. And I may look mean. But if I give a guy a pavement facial? He earned it. Wade gives Meghan a smile, turns to leave. MEGHAN Hey. Thanks. You're my hero. The word catches Wade like a punch to the gut. Hero? WADE That I ain't. Wade doesn't turn back, walking through the swooping skaters. A12 EXT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT - PAST A12 A grimy SIGN on a grimier brick building reads: `SISTER MARGARET'S SCHOOL FOR WAYWARD GIRLS.' 12 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT - PAST 12 Inside, society's DREGS. Chief among them, BOOTHE: a HUGE, menacing hipster with a BOY SCOUT CAP and MASSIVE HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE. He's got some DUDE's fingers splayed out on the bar, jabbing a KNIFE POINT between them as fast as he can. WADE shimmies past, backslaps BOOTHE: WADE Boothe! (CONTINUED) 21. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 12 CONTINUED: 12 BOOTHE (turns, smiles) Heya, Wade! We hear a STAB and a SCREAM. Wade winces as he continues on to the BAR, claims a STOOL and waves over the lone bartender - WEASEL, early 20's, geeky, glasses. Think Tom Cruise in `Cocktail.' Then think the opposite. WEASEL Wade Wilson, Patron Saint of the Pitiful. What can I get you? WADE I'd love a blow-job. WEASEL We got that in common. WADE The drink, moose-knuckle. But first... Wade digs in a pocket, slaps the YELLOW `HIT' CARD, the one with the CYPRESS TREE, on the bar. Weasel goes to the register. Scans the card. Peels off three ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS. Lays them out like a bank teller. Wade PUSHES the MONEY AWAY... WADE (CONT'D) I ain't taking allowance money. Make sure it gets back to Ms. Osflorsky? Onroflensky? Olly-Olly-Oxen-Free? WEASEL Orlofsky. For a merc, you sure are warm- blooded. Bet you let the boy off easy- peasy, too. WADE (embarrassed) He's not a bad kid, Weas. Just a little light stalking. I was way worse at his age- traveling to far-off places - Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville - (shudders) - meeting new and exciting people - (CONTINUED) 22. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 12 CONTINUED: (2) 12 WEASEL And killing them. I've seen your Instagram. What was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? WADE Classified. (whispers) They have a wonderful TGIFridays. Those guys know their way around a Loaded Potato Skin. The point is, I'm trying to put those days in my rear-view. Weasel puts the finishing touches on the drink, pushes it across the bar to Wade. WEASEL Kahlua, Bailey's, whip cream. Fellatio in a glass. A burst of laughter turns Wade's attention to BUCK, a BAD-ASS in a snakeskin jacket, has a crowd gathered round him, mid- story. He too is holding a YELLOW CARD with SIM and CYPRESS TREE. BUCK So he's staring at my Glock in his mouth, like... (mouth full) `I thought you guys had a code!' And I'm like, `Yeah, no kids. No women. Almost fooled by your tits. But the moustache?! The crowd CRACKS UP. Wade pulls out Gavin Merchant's wallet and teases out a TWENTY. He grabs a passing waitress, tucks the bill in her shirt pocket and sets the blowjob on her tray. WADE Kelly, you mind taking this over to Buck? Tell him it's from Boothe. (whispers, to Weasel) Little foreplay. Weasel follows Wade's gaze to the end of the bar, where a chuckling BOOTHE wraps a bandage around the guy's bloody hand. WEASEL Remind me what good comes of this? (CONTINUED) 23. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 12 CONTINUED: (3) 12 WADE I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. Weasel allows himself a tiny conspiratorial SMILE. SMASH CUT TO: 13 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT 13 WADE, in medium shot, TEARING UP at the famous Steven Seagal bar fight from `OUT FOR JUSTICE' on T.V. as... SMACK... BAM... a REAL bar fight goes on - OUT OF FOCUS - behind him. WADE (trailer voice) It's a dirty job... but someone's gotta take out the garbage. Wade finally turns around to watch. BUCK finishes off Boothe... then pours the BLOW-JOB on top of him. WEASEL grabs a hand mirror, hops over the bar, and crosses to Boothe. All the PATRONS fall HUSH as WEASEL holds the mirror to Boothe's mouth. Boothe's BREATH FOGS it up. WEASEL Still kicking. The place `oooooohs.' Near miss. Weasel returns to his place behind the bar, looking disappointed. WADE Lemme guess. Ya got Boothe in Sister Margaret's dead pool. WEASEL Um. See. About that- WADE You did not bet on me to die. (looks up at board, incredulous) You bet on me to die. Wade leans back and looks up at an ENORMOUS CHALKBOARD hanging above the bar: `Sister Margaret's DEAD POOL.' Below, a long LIST of NAMES. DOLLAR AMOUNTS to the right of the names. More NAMES to the right of the dollars. Indeed, `WEASEL' has chosen `WADE.' Wade looks betrayed. (CONTINUED) 24. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 13 CONTINUED: 13 WADE (CONT'D) Weasel, you're the world's worst friend. Joke's on you. I'm living to 102. Like those old Quaker biddies on the Today Show. And retiring on my winnings. WEASEL Wait, who did you pick? Weasel looks up a the board, where `WADE' has claimed: `BIEBER, J.' WADE The Biebs. But I'm probably wrong. Nothing bad ever happens to teen stars who make 80 mil a year and think they're immune to the pitfalls of addiction and consequence. He'll be fine. (raises shot, yells) Drinks on me, soldiers of fortune! MERCENARIES Hooah! VANESSA Whoa, whoa... Wade turns to see a woman on his other side: VANESSA. Brunette. Silver-blue eyes. Tank. Tiny jean-shorts. VANESSA (CONT'D) Sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? Wade looks Vanessa all the way up and down... then holds up his PINKIE. WADE Tight. Vanessa raises her own pinkie. Shakes like a pinkie swear. VANESSA Vanessa. WADE What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? BUCK (O.S.) It ain't what she's doing, it's who. BUCK walks past and SLAPS Vanessa on the caboose. (CONTINUED) 25. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 13 CONTINUED: (2) 13 BUCK (CONT'D) I'd hit that shit. Wade pushes back his stool, stands menacingly. WADE Buck, you'd best apologize, before- But Vanessa doesn't wait for Wade's chivalry. She blows right by him and grabs a fistful of Buck's crotch. Buck gasps. WADE (CONT'D) Yeah, that. VANESSA (to Buck) Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. BUCK I'm sorry! I have no filter between my brain and mouth. I'm working on it. Wade takes Vanessa's shoulders. WADE OK, he apologized... hakuna his tatas... Vanessa lets Buck go, turns on Wade. VANESSA (let's go) And you- (shakes Wade off) Hands off the merchandise. WADE Merchandise? So, what, you, uh, bump fuzzies for money? VANESSA Yup. WADE Rough childhood? VANESSA Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born. WADE Daddy left before I was conceived. (CONTINUED) 26. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 13 CONTINUED: (3) 13 VANESSA Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? WADE I didn't know there was any other place to put one out. VANESSA I was molested. WADE Me too. Uncle. VANESSA Uncles. They took turns. WADE I watched my own birthday party from the keyhole of a locked closet, which was also my- VANESSA Bedroom? Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. WADE So you had a dishwasher. I didn't know sleep. It was pretty much 24-7 of ball gags, brownie mix, and fun-house mirrors. VANESSA Who would do such a thing? WADE Hopefully you. Later tonight. (beat) And my Uncle Kevin. Wade EMPTIES the rest of Gavin's wallet: WADE (CONT'D) What can I get for two-hundred-seventy three bucks... and a Yogurtland rewards card? Vanessa shoves the bills into her halter: VANESSA About forty-eight minutes of whatever you want... (peers at card) And a low-fat dessert. (CONTINUED) 27. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 13 CONTINUED: (4) 13 Wade grins at her like a kid on Christmas morning. 14 INT. ARCADE - NIGHT - PAST 14 A two-shot of WADE and VANESSA staring at each other, in profile. Wade looks really excited. WADE Time to put balls... in holes. REVERSE ANGLE to reveal two SKEEBALL MACHINES in the ARCADE. Wade inserts tokens, and balls CLUNK down. Vanessa looks half amused, half weirded out. WADE (CONT'D) You said whatever I want. VANESSA I get it. You love skeeball. Apparently more than you love vagina. WADE Tough call. Just trying to get to know the real you... not the plunging- necklined, short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. Wade slowly turns to CAMERA. REVERSE ANGLE TO his P.O.V.: A ten-year-old BOY stops in his tracks, his gaze moving from Vanessa's plunging neckline to her short shorts. BOY Nice tits! VANESSA Thank you, son. (tousles boy's hair) You know how to make a woman feel special. Vanessa reaches down, grabs two balls, hands one to Wade. VANESSA (CONT'D) Balls in holes. WADE Prepare to lose tragically. VANESSA Bring it, big man. (CONTINUED) 28. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 14 CONTINUED: 14 Wade smiles slyly, sizes up the ramp, rears back and OVERHANDS the first ball... right into the 50,000 CUP. VANESSA (CONT'D) Ruh-roh. 15 INT. ARCADE PRIZE COUNTER - LATER - PAST 15 A beaming WADE bellies up to the prize counter and lays a massive armful of pink TICKETS on top. WADE The limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. TEEN You're roughly three hundred thousand tickets short. (beat) It's nickel-silver-plated. WADE (disappointed) Then I guess the tire-grade rubber Voltron keychain. VANESSA places a measly TEN tickets of her own next to them. VANESSA And the... pencil eraser. The weary TEEN behind the counter hands Wade the low-rent VOLTRON KEYCHAIN, and Vanessa the eraser. TEEN (reads keychain package copy, bows) You are now the sworn protector of the gentle people of the planet Arus... (re: eraser, positive spin:) And you... you can... erase stuff... written in pencil. Wade extends his arm chivalrously: WADE M'lady? VANESSA Unfortunately, my anus-loving friend, your forty-eight minutes are up. (CONTINUED) 29. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 15 CONTINUED: 15 WADE Arus. And you're more evil than evil King Zarkon himself. Wade rubs his keychain wistfully, then offers it up. WADE (CONT'D) How many more minutes for this? (hard sell) FYI. Five mini lion-bots come together to make up the super-bot. VANESSA (faux-excited) Five mini lion-bots?! (matter-of-fact) Three minutes. WADE (gives keychain up) That's all I'll need! ALT: WADE What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty seven seconds? VANESSA Cuddle? Vanessa smiles and takes Wade's arm. They walk out of the ARCADE affectionately... ...to the SOUNDS OF TIRELESS, ATHLETIC SEX. 16 EXT./INT. WADE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - PAST 16 VANESSA (O.S.) How long can you keep this up? DUCT TAPE fails to cover a big multi-fissured CRACK in the WINDOW of Wade's CRAPPY APARTMENT. Inside, WADE has VANESSA up against the wall decorated with CHRISTMAS LIGHTS that have overstayed their welcome and a CALENDAR. They are going at it like RABBITS. WADE (raises eyebrow) All year? (CONTINUED) 30. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 16 CONTINUED: 16 Dolly Parton's `HERE YOU COME AGAIN' kicks in, and we... DISSOLVE INTO: 17 INT. WADE'S APARTMENT - DAY 17 A MONTAGE of images: Fun, irreverent SEX around the CALENDAR between WADE and VANESSA, identified by various holidays. VALENTINE'S DAY SEX. WADE falls back onto a bed covered in rose petals with VANESSA on top of him. She has drawn a heart on his chest in red lipstick. They go at it hard... then pause for a romantic look and kiss. VANESSA Happy Valentine's Day... Then IMMEDIATELY go back to hard pounding. CUT TO: A medium shot of the top half of VANESSA. She is on hands and knees, rocking back and forth. WADE leans into frame from behind. WADE Happy Chinese New Year's... VANESSA (smiles) Year of the Dog. They go at it even harder. SMASH CUT TO: The same exact locked-off medium shot, only WADE is now on hands and knees. His expression betrays great stress. VANESSA leans into frame from behind. VANESSA (CONT'D) Relax... Happy International Women's Day... Wade girds himself, then lets out a surprised, WHIMPERY YELP as some pioneering object journeys into his virgin lands. CUT TO: WADE in bed, legs wrapped around VANESSA's neck, being orally pleasured. (CONTINUED) 31. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 17 CONTINUED: 17 WADE Happy Fourth of July! We see FIREWORKS through the skylight above. CUT TO: WADE sitting in an arm-chair, fully dressed, reading glasses on, purusing a book. VANESSA is reading in a chair opposite, also wearing reading glasses. VANESSA Happy Yom Kippur... (ALT:) Happy Cesar Chavez Day... (ALT:) Happy Lent... (ALT:) Happy Lyme Disease Awareness Day... (ALT:) Happy Wednesday... CUT TO: VANESSA in bed where Wade last was. Now her legs are wrapped around HIS neck, and he's pleasuring her. WADE (muffled) Happy Halloween... VANESSA Oo... ow... WADE (muffled) Sorry. (takes out Vampire teeth) Happy Halloween... Wade goes back to work. CUT TO: WADE and VANESSA banging it out one last time, missionary style. VANESSA Happy Thanksgiving. (ALT:) Happy Wednesday. (CONTINUED) 32. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 17 CONTINUED: (2) 17 Cut WIDE to reveal that they're on top of the KITCHEN TABLE during THANKSGIVING DINNER. Wine spills, cranberry sauce topples, mashed potatoes launch. ALT: BREAKFAST FOOD INSTEAD. Nothing takes away from the joy of the moment. 18 INT. WADE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - PAST 18 A CHRISTMAS WREATH hangs on Wade's wall. WADE (O.S.) If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas... WADE strikes a pose, HANDS on HIPS, wearing an AWFUL, AWFUL CHRISTMAS SWEATER. And NO PANTS. VANESSA sits against the bed's HEADBOARD, SHEET pulled over her, up to her chin. She quickly lowers the sheet. Revealing an APPALLING CHRISTMAS SWEATER of her own. WADE (CONT'D) ...can I visit you between the holidays? VANESSA Y'know, red's your color. Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. Christmas gift! Catch! Vanessa tosses something to Wade. It lands in his hands. WADE Holy fucking shit. It's the nickel-silver-plated Voltron RING, all three hundred thousand tickets worth. VANESSA Limited edition. I had to give the kid behind the counter a rub and tug. I'm kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm kidding. It was nearly five full months of Skeeball. WADE (beams) Y'know, I've been doing some thinking... VANESSA Really. (CONTINUED) 33. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 18 CONTINUED: 18 WADE ...about why we're so good together. VANESSA Why's that? WADE Your crazy matches my crazy. We're like two jigsaw pieces... weird curvy edges... but fit us together, you can see the picture on top. Wade plants a kiss on Vanessa. She sits up on her knees. VANESSA Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, only `cause you haven't gotten around to asking me- (pregnant pause) Wade, will you- VANESSA (CONT'D) WADE Stick it in my-? Marry me? VANESSA Uhh... jinx? Wade reaches back and pulls out an ENGAGEMENT-RING-LIKE BOX. Vanessa can barely contain her excitement. VANESSA (CONT'D) You're not wearing pants. Where exactly were you hiding that? A vulnerable Wade hands her the box and stands there with the look of... `Open it. Open it!' WADE They say one month's salary. Vanessa opens the box... to reveal a CANDY RING. WADE (CONT'D) Slow month. I've been waiting for this day like Boss Hogg waits to get to the crazy cheesy crust... VANESSA You mean-? WADE I do. (CONTINUED) 34. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 18 CONTINUED: (2) 18 VANESSA That's my line. I love you, Wade Wilson. WADE Thought you charged extra for that. VANESSA I did. At my old job. WADE So that's a-? Vanessa stares. Swallows. Pulls him back into bed and WHISPERS ONE SILENT WORD into his ear ('Yes'). Wade jumps up and DANCES around the room all goofy, POP, LOCK, & ROBOT. VANESSA Easy. I can take it back. Wade dives back into bed, SPOONS with Vanessa, wrapping her in his ARMS, touching his cheek to hers. WADE What if I never let go? VANESSA Just rode a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke? WADE (contented sigh) `Star Wars' jokes?! VANESSA (corrects) `Empire.' WADE It's like I made you in a computer. Wade swoons, reaches, grabs a POLAROID CAMERA off his night- stand, and holds it at arm's length. WADE (CONT'D) (Yoda voice) Cheese, say! The flash POPS. For this one moment, his life is... WADE (CONT'D) Perfect. Wade hands Vanessa the photo. Then... (CONTINUED) 35. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 18 CONTINUED: (3) 18 WADE (CONT'D) Wee break. ...bounces up to go to the BATHROOM. Vanessa gazes at the photo, which is already FADING IN. Wade notices. WADE (CONT'D) Shake it like a- Uh. You get it. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return... Wade peels off his Christmas sweater... and STEPS CONFIDENTLY BACK TOWARD THE BED. But before he gets there... DEADPOOL (V.O.) ...to our regularly scheduled program. ...HE PASSES OUT, FACE-PLANTING ONTO THE FLOOR. 19 INT. ONCOLOGY WARD - DAY - PAST 19 WADE is sitting in a doctor's office, VANESSA by his side, opposite a solemn ONCOLOGIST. Every image suggests BAD NEWS: A COMPLEX looking MRI IMAGE of the CIRCULATORY SYSTEM on a BACKLIT VIEWING TABLE. SWEAT STAINS under Wade's arms. Vanessa GRIPPING his hand. The LOOK on the DOCTOR's FACE. WADE You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns. DOCTOR People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. Wade and Vanessa turn and share a devastated but loving look. VANESSA (to doctor, springs into action) So what do we do? Surely there's something... we can... do. I mean, my uncle, he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and there was this new experimental drug that- (CONTINUED) 36. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 19 CONTINUED: 19 The VOLUME of Vanessa's voice FADES until we can SEE her talking but no longer hear the words: DEADPOOL (V.O.) See, people do react differently. Vanessa's already working on Plan A. B. All the way to Z. Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. Or the last. DOCTOR (O.S.) Mr. Wilson? DEADPOOL (V.O.) Believe it or not, this is only the ninth shittiest thing that's ever happened to me. DOCTOR (O.S.) Mr. Wilson? DEADPOOL (V.O.) Stick around. Number 6 is coming right up. DOCTOR Take your time to process this. 20 EXT. FREEWAY - DAY 20 DEADPOOL HAS AJAX PINNED TO THE FREEWAY RAIL. DEADPOOL You know how many people I've killed to find you? AJAX Actually, I do. DEADPOOL So you're aware I've been waiting a long, long time for this. And now I'm finally gonna... (ALT:) So you're aware of the category 5 fuck- storm that's coming. (ALT:) Then you know what's coming. I'm about to do to you what Sugar Ray did to the mid-nineties. A massive SHADOW passes over AJAX and DEADPOOL, accompanied by LOUD METALLIC FOOTSTEPS. Ajax looks up, a bit awed. (CONTINUED) 37. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 20 CONTINUED: 20 Deadpool senses something, reaches back with one hand, feels... ...what turns out to be Colossus's METALLIC CROTCH. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Dad? COLOSSUS GRABS Deadpool's WRIST, CHUCKS him THROUGH the AIR, ASS OVER TEAKETTLE. 21 INT. WADE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - LATER - PAST 21 A CLOSE-UP of a Deadpool ACTION FIGURE from `X-Men Origins.' Mouth sewn shut. Blades implanted into wrists. In the exact same POSE we just saw the real Deadpool. Sitting in a nightstand DRAWER in Wade's apartment. WADE (O.S.) This is my most prized possession. Wade looks like he's reaching into the drawer for the action figure, but instead, reaches just UNDER it to grasp Wham!'s `Make it Big' album on Vinyl. He pulls out the album. VANESSA Wham? WADE Wham! (cradles album lovingly) `Make it Big' was the album George and Andy earned their exclamation point. Wade places the album carefully into one of two OPEN SUITCASES on the floor next to him. He is currently going through his possessions, TOSSING OUT the crap and placing the good stuff into the suitcases. Wade pulls out the action figure. WADE (CONT'D) But this. A little piece of me died the day this came out... Wade DUNKS the action figure in the trash can. VANESSA stands opposite, arms crossed, FUMING. VANESSA So I'm s'posed to just... smile and wave you out the door? (CONTINUED) 38. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 21 CONTINUED: 21 WADE Think of it as a spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. (pulls out BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE) If I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. (opens purse, it's full of nickels) Looks like I do. Wade TOSSES the purse toward one of the suitcases. Vanessa's hand stabs out and GRABS it. VANESSA Bernadette's not going anywhere. (slam-dunks purse back into drawer) `Cause you're not going anywhere. WADE Right! The tumors are only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things you can live without. VANESSA You know what I mean. You belong here at home. Surrounded by your Voltron... and your Bernadette... and your me. WADE Babe, we've been through this! Cancer's a real shit-show. A Yakov-Smirnoff- opening-for-the-Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa- State-Fair shit-show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me me. VANESSA Well, I want to remember us us. (that doesn't sound right) We we? WADE I swear, I'll find you in the next life. And boom-box `Careless Whisper' under your window. Wham! VANESSA Are you gonna keep saying it like that? Look, I get this impulse. I do. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 39. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 21 CONTINUED: (2) 21 VANESSA (CONT'D) Before I met you, I used to fantasize about dying alone in the woods, torn apart by wolves. WADE Super fucking bad-ass. VANESSA But that was then, and this is now. Walk out that door. I dare you. I will ride you out. And I won't let go. Yoda on Luke. Vanessa embraces Wade. Tight. Won't let go. A TEAR trickles down Vanessa's CHEEK. VANESSA (CONT'D) (into Wade's ear) If you're willing to fight. There are still options. We'll find them. Together. WADE (smiles) I just realized! I win! My life's officially more fucked-up than yours. VANESSA No one's boom-boxing shit. Vanessa interlaces her pinkie with Wade's. Smiles. VANESSA (CONT'D) What do we we have to lose? WADE Nothing. Everything. Vanessa leans in, and the two start to KISS. 22 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - PAST 22 VANESSA, horizontal, limbs akimbo, ASLEEP in bed. She stirs, feels next to her for Wade. He's NOT THERE. REVEAL WADE standing at the bedroom window. His P.O.V. of the moon makes it look FRACTURED by the cracked glass. RACK FOCUS to Vanessa's REFLECTION. She, too, looks fractured. Wade's eyes well with TEARS at the sight of her. Cancer will steal the one thing that ever mattered. Vanessa's cracked reflection suddenly RAISES its HEAD. (CONTINUED) 40. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 22 CONTINUED: 22 WADE Sorry. Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter, and he just wasn't having it. Wade slides back into bed. WADE (CONT'D) They've made three of those movies. At some point you wonder if he's just a bad parent. Wade lies on his back. Vanessa nestles her head lovingly against his chest. He takes a vulnerable look at her, then stares at the ceiling, LOST. RS22 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT RS22 Wade slips quietly out of bed... ...slips on a hoodie and a backpack... ...opens the door... takes one last longing look at Vanessa... ...and slips into the hallway, closing the door behind him. Vanessa is left to feel for Wade in the dark. A22 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A22 WADE walks down the street into the night. He pulls a crumpled card from his jacket pocket: the black card with the recruiter's number. Still walking, Wade pulls out a cellphone and dials. 23 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT - PAST 23 Just another night at SISTER MARGARET'S WAYWARD SCHOOL FOR GIRLS. Regular crowd has shuffled in. Tonight, a bit thin. WADE is bellied up to the bar, disheveled, unkempt, and distraught. WEASEL leans in: WEASEL Jesus. Someone needs a blow-job and a shower. Though courtesy calls for the latter first. (CONTINUED) 41. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 23 CONTINUED: 23 WADE Three shots of Patron Silver, Weez. And a cure to terminal cancer. WEASEL (hands over a green concoction) Fresh out of Patron. Wheatgrass? WADE You're starting to sound like Vanessa... With SHAKY HANDS, Wade empties his POCKETS, placing CRUMPLED BROCHURES on the bar. WADE (CONT'D) She sent away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I hear Chechnya's nice this time of... never. Then there's China... Central Mexico... Know how they say `Cancer' in Spanish? ¡El Cáncer.' Wade pulls out one last thing from his pockets: A POLAROID of HIMSELF and VANESSA. He stares. Weasel notices. WEASEL This belongs on the wall. I want to remember you when you looked... alive. Wade scrapes up a smile as Weasel tapes the picture to the BIG BAR MIRROR. Weasel pours a second wheatgrass shot. Clinks Wade's glass. They throw them back. WINCE. WEASEL (CONT'D) Almost forgot... Weasel slides Wade a distinctive black BUSINESS CARD across the bartop. WEASEL (CONT'D) Guy came in asking for you. Real Grim Reaper type. Wade's gaze follows Weasel's gesture across the barroom, where an ominous MAN in a BLACK SUIT sits ALONE at a table. WEASEL (CONT'D) I don't know? May further the plot? CUT TO: 42. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 23A INT. SISTER'S MARGARET'S - NIGHT - PAST 23A WADE dead-man-walks to the back of the bar. He passes BOOTHE and BEEF on his way. They nod solemnly, like cops at a funeral procession honoring one of their own. BEEF Wade. Beef offers Wade his shot. Wade eeks out a smile. Throws it back. Then continues on. Wade stops next to the MAN's TABLE. WADE Forget your scythe? The man, even creepier from close up, SMILES. RECRUITER Mr. Wilson. Have a seat. (Wade sits, long pause) I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. WADE Stalker alert. RECRUITER It's my job. Recruitment. And you have quite a reputation. I'm sorry you've had a tough go. But you're a fighter. And not just for Johnny Canuck, impressive as your stint in special forces was. Forty- one confirmed kills? WADE (bitter) One every seven weeks. Same rate most folks get a hair-cut. Wade grabs the recruiter's drink and throws it back. WADE (CONT'D) To wash the taste out. It's hard to forget being so... impressive. RECRUITER Now you spend your days sticking up for the little man, slitting small time throats for small time folks. WADE People change. (CONTINUED) 43. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 23A CONTINUED: 23A The recruiter leans uncomfortably close. RECRUITER (low, conspiratorial) Speaking of which... Mr. Wilson, I represent an organization that may be able to help. What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? WADE I'd say you sound like an infomercial. And not a good infomercial, like Slap Chop. More Shake-Weighty. (jack-off motion) RECRUITER The world needs extraordinary men. We won't just make you better. We'll make you better than better. A super-hero. WADE I already tried the hero business. Let's just say it left a mark. The only chance you'll see me again is if I hit `fuck- it.' 24 EXT./INT. GUADALAJARAN CLINIC WAITING ROOM - DAY - PAST 24 A DILAPIDATED, SKETCHY MEDICAL `CLINIC' haunts the cityscape in GUADALAJARA, MEXICO. WADE (V.O.) For now, I'll get through this with the one I love. A sickly-looking WADE is on the final stop in his futile quest to find a cure. DESPERATE. Among the MOST DESPERATE. He sits in a pathetic muzak-filled WAITING ROOM. Wearing a SOMBRERO and clutching VANESSA's hand. Her fingers are interlaced in his, once perfectly manicured nails chewed to the quick. Vanessa is also wearing a SOMBRERO, and ANXIETY on her face. Wade COUGHS SEVERELY, REPEATEDLY into a HANDKERCHIEF. Wade turns to the sweet ELDERLY COUPLE sitting next to him, ekes out a smile. The old man plays with some WORRY BEADS. (CONTINUED) 44. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 24 CONTINUED: 24 WADE (pulls out Spanish-English electronic translator) De donde eres? ELDERLY WOMAN Boca Raton. WADE Ah. The fancy part of Mexico. ELDERLY MAN We've moved in with my son. To afford the treatment. Wade looks pained to hear this. WADE Cancer? Sorry - ¿El Cáncer? ELDERLY MAN Stage four. WADE Toughest part of the Tour de France. VANESSA Very hilly. The elderly man gestures to the souvenir PATCHES sewn onto Wade's `HELLO KITTY' DUFFEL: CHECHNYA. CHINA. INDONESIA. ELDERLY MAN Logging some frequent flier miles? WADE (bone-weary) Final stop on Desperation World Tour, 2016, which I believe was also the name of the Stones' last concert... VANESSA `Final' because this is where we find the cure. A MOTHER and her stoic young SON sign in with the NURSE behind the front desk. The boy has lost all his HAIR. NURSE No cheques de viajero. No pesos. Cash. Americano. (CONTINUED) 45. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 24 CONTINUED: (2) 24 Wade grows upset as the mother counts out hard-earned CASH. The boy reaches for a BOX filled with CHUPACHUPS (lollipops). The nurse scolds: NURSE (CONT'D) Chupachups cuestan extra! WADE (O.S.) (angry) Hey! The nurse looks coldly at Wade. He stares back, eyes hard, then gets up and lays a crumpled dollar on the counter. WADE (CONT'D) (ice cold) It's on me. The nurse blinks, then stands, checking a CHART. NURSE Señor... Abe Solomon? ABE and his WIFE get up. The nurse motions for Mrs. Solomon to stay in the waiting room. ABE (to Wade and Vanessa) Handsome couple. Good luck to you two. Abe drops his WORRY BEADS. Wade bends to retrieve them, then stands with effort and gently hands them to Abe. WADE Good luck to you, Pops. Wade sits back down, and his eyes find the LITTLE BOY: his SUNKEN EYES. His MISSING HAIR. His LOLLIPOP, CLUTCHED like the richest treasure. Wade turns to look at Vanessa, who's also staring at the boy. Even though Vanessa is healthy, she, too, looks sick. No makeup. Dirty hair. Dark circles under her eyes. When she looks at Wade, it's clear she, not he, most needs comfort. Wade pulls Vanessa close and strokes her hair with a trembling hand. Abe disappears. Wade watches with a newly dark look of suspicion. 46. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 25 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY - PAST 25 ABE lies shirtless on an UNSANITARY operating table, a tray of RUSTY surgical KNIVES nearby. A MAN with a pock-marked face stands over him in a white lab coat with blue-stitched cursive writing: `Dr. Delgado.' DOCTOR Buenos días, Señor Abe. `Doctor' Delgado pokes and prods with his fingers, as if Abe's mid-section is Play-Doh. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Voy a llegar dentro de tu cuerpo. ABE I'm sorry. No hablo español, doc. The doctor's other hand dips below the table, comes up dripping with something bloody. He kneeds at wrinkled skin smearing the CHICKEN BLOOD across Abe's flesh. DOCTOR De que se cure! Señor Abe, you are cured. The doctor holds SMELLING SALTS under Abe's nose. His closed eyes jerk open to see the doctor's gloved hand CLUTCHING a huge, bloody `TUMOR.' Abe pushes himself up, peers down at his bloody abdomen with awe. The doctor wipes the blood away and helps him up. ABE (tearing up) Thank you. I owe you my life. As Abe shuffles out, the doctor turns away to dump the `tumor' in the trash and wash his bloody hands in a basin. DOCTOR (over his shoulder) ¡Proximo! Next! WADE (O.S.) Already here, hombre. Dr. Delgado nearly JUMPS at the sight of WADE, already standing in the OPEN DOOR of the room, looking DANGEROUS. (CONTINUED) 47. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 25 CONTINUED: 25 DOCTOR So sorry, you surprise me. How... long... you standing there, Señor? Wade walks slowly TOWARD the doctor, who steps out nervously from BEHIND his table. The two stand face-to-face. Wade smiles... angles his foot UNDER the OPERATING TABLE... ...and uses it to SLIDE something out from underneath the table: a BUCKET of BLOODY CHICKEN GIZZARDS that double as removed `tumors.' Wade's RAGE seems to grow by the INSTANT. WADE Long enough... Delgado senses he is suddenly in danger, picks up a rusty SCALPEL from his tray. Wade moves toward him. Delgado LUNGES, He STABS WADE in the shoulder, then RUNS. Wade TACKLES him. In Wade's weakened state, the fight becomes an intense STRUGGLE. The two FALL and WRESTLE. The BUCKET of GIZZARDS overturns. They roll around in slop. The doctor squirms out of Wade's grasp and crawls into the hallway. Wade wriggles after him, tugging at his ankle. 26 INT. WAITING ROOM / HALLWAY - SUNSET - PAST 26 The MUZAC still plays. VANESSA smiles warmly/sadly at the little BOY, who is unwrapping his CHUPACHUP. Suddenly... a SCREAM and cries for help in Spanish. The NURSE and an ALARMED VANESSA rush toward the shouting. 27 INT. HALLWAY - SUNSET - PAST 27 At last, WADE's fury has overcome his physical weakness. He straddles the DOCTOR's CHEST. His expression is that of a man who's LOSING his SHIT. Wade RAISES THE SCALPEL, SLASHES at the doctor's throat, then STABS him in the heart. The doctor writhes, spasms, gurgles, and falls still. Chest heaving, Wade raises his head to see... at the FAR END of the HALL: VANESSA - frozen, TERRIFIED. A blood-soaked Wade locks eyes with her and swims back up into SANITY... `What have I done?' This is a horrific glimpse into Wade's murderous past... ...and the look on Vanessa's face is one of HORROR and PAIN. (CONTINUED) 48. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 27 CONTINUED: 27 Awash in shame, Wade staggers to his feet, slips on chicken blood, and LUNGES in the other direction. He hits the door at the end of the hall at a RUN. 28 STAB! 28 The sword, covered in BLOOD, penetrates the crayon drawing of the recruiter on DEADPOOL's CORKBOARD. DEADPOOL Thank you, Agent Smith. Deadpool lasers in on AJAX's picture at the top of the pyramid. 29 EXT. GUADALAJARA STREET - SUNSET - PAST 29 WADE leans against a wall, gasping for breath. He looks back toward her voice, face a mask of pain. Instead of seeking her... he melts into the busy street. 30 EXT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY 30 DEADPOOL trudges to his FRONT DOOR. He speaks to the AUDIENCE: DEADPOOL Some kind of anger can't be managed. Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! That said... when it comes time to licking wounds... there's no place like home, and I share that home with someone you met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. She's like Robin to my Batman. Except she's old. And black. And blind. POPS INSIDE DEADPOOL (V.O.) And I think she loves me. Wait... pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 31 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 31 WADE, ghastly, nearing death, lies BACK onto a STRETCHER, covered only by a FLIMSY HOSPITAL GOWN. He's being wheeled down a dim corridor by two tough-looking ORDERLIES. In one hand, he holds the recruiter's crumpled BUSINESS CARD. In the other, he clutches the limited edition VOLTRON RING, as tight as his shaky hand allows. (CONTINUED) 49. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 31 CONTINUED: 31 They turn a corner and push through a pair of double doors into a cavernous room. Wade looks around, full of hope for a new life. Immediately, every single thing he sees/hears begins to erode his confidence. The RECRUITER stands just inside the doors, smiling. RECRUITER (O.S.) Mr. Wilson! Nothing warms my heart like a change of someone else's. Walking into Wade's P.O.V. is the creepy RECRUITER. He beams down on Wade. RECRUITER (CONT'D) You finally hit `fuck-it.' WADE Worse. Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else. RECRUITER Of course. WADE Oh, and please don't make my super suit green. Or animated. RECRUITER I hope you enjoy your stay. The `Workshop,' as this old warehouse is affectionately called, has been converted into a working LABORATORY. Wade is wheeled through a vast room containing rows of individual `tents,' each containing a SUBJECT. Wade's eyes DART to helpless SILHOUETTES. We hear WHISPERS, WHIMPERS, MOANS. A FELLOW PATIENT, a pathetic, terrified little man named CUNNINGHAM, is wheeled past Wade, restrained on another STRETCHER. Cunningham briefly locks eyes with Wade, but quickly moves on by. Wade can't help but be alarmed by the TERROR in Cunningham's eyes. The tents are illuminated by BLINDING overhead lights. Wade spies GRUESOMELY INTIMIDATING MEDICAL EQUIPMENT. Wade is wheeled into the tent that's his new home. The FIGURE who was pushing Wade DUMPS him onto a CHROME OPERATING TABLE and roughly STRAPS him down. (CONTINUED) 50. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 31 CONTINUED: (2) 31 WADE Um. My first request? A warmer table. (shivers) And warmer hands. Wade DOUBLE-TAKES at the sight of the figure above him: ANGEL DUST - thirties, female, tall, sexy, athletic - an Amazonian warrior in another age. Angel Dust wheels over a high-tech I.V. DRIP, complete with glass cylindrical tanks housing a glowing, viscous LIQUID. Then she roughly straps Wade's NECK to the table. Wade nearly GASPS, the color now officially drained from his face. WADE (CONT'D) Easy! Aren't you a little strong for a lady? I'm calling wang. ANGEL DUST You'd like that, huh. Welcome to our little hospital. WADE It doesn't look like a hospital. It looks like Chlamydia holding still. An UNLIT MATCHSTICK protrudes from Angel Dust's teeth - her idea of a TOOTHPICK. WADE (CONT'D) Oral fixation? ANGEL DUST Shut. The fuck. Up. Angel Dust places a FINGER on Wade's FOREHEAD and SHOVES his head back against the table - BANG - pinning it there. AJAX (O.S.) Patience, Angel. All in good time. Enter AJAX, whom we know as the PRISONER from the RAFT with whom we've seen Deadpool tangle in the PRESENT. This is the first Ajax and Wade have met. WADE Can I expect turndown serv-? Ajax nods to Angel Dust. BOOM! She GAGS Wade with SURGICAL TUBING, then wraps it around the TABLE, immobilizing his head. (CONTINUED) 51. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 31 CONTINUED: (3) 31 AJAX You're a talker. Wade's eyes are wider than ever. WTF? AJAX (CONT'D) (disarmingly matter-of-fact) Mr. Wilson, my name is Ajax. I manage the Workshop. My `welcome' speech used to be full of euphemisms like `You may feel some discomfort.' But I've grown blunt. Ajax unsheathes an I.V. NEEDLE. Angel Dust up-tilts the table 45 degrees, then readies a holographic monitor. AJAX (CONT'D) The Workshop is not a government program. It's a private institution tasked with turning reclamation projects like yourself into men of extraordinary abilities. I'm about to remake your life. But if you think cancer cures painlessly, you're wrong. If you think super-human powers are acquired painlessly, you're wrong. Ajax touches Wade with the I.V. NEEDLE, pressing here and there, not QUITE hard enough to break skin. At last, he locates the subclavian vein. Wade flinches. AJAX (CONT'D) We're injecting you with a serum that activates mutant genes. For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme stress. The liquid glows FLUORESCENT through Wade's white skin as it pumps into the pulmonary highway. AJAX (CONT'D) You've heard the whole make-an-omelette, break-some-eggs bit? (Wade blinks) I'm about to hurt you, Wade. The kind of hurt I can't describe and you can't prepare for. It's cruel stuff. And there's no way out for you. No secret you can tell me. No soft spot in me to appeal to. Wade stares at them in shock. (CONTINUED) 52. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 31 CONTINUED: (4) 31 ANGEL DUST What, you expected Weapon X? Ajax starts to TURN AWAY, but stops. AJAX One more thing. What's the ad? `I'm not just the president. I'm a client?' I've been through this procedure myself. It made me stronger. It also scorched my nerve endings. So I no longer feel pain. In fact... (smiles) I no longer feel anything. Wade reacts by SAYING something - made UNINTELLIGIBLE by the surgical tubing. Ajax nods to Angel Dust, who slices the SURGICAL TUBING, SNAPPING it away and FREEING Wade to TALK. WADE Something in your teeth. Ajax smiles WITHOUT opening his mouth, signals Angel Dust. She slams Wade's head back again as he turns to leave. Before he exits, Ajax hesitates, can't help but check his teeth in one of the surgical mirrors. WADE (O.S.) (CONT'D) Made you look! Hey, is Ajax your real name? `Cause it sounds suspiciously made up. What's it really? Steve? Mark? Trevor? Kyle? (E.T. voice) Elliot? We hear LAUGHS from nearby tents. Wade is now playing for an audience. AJAX Joke away. The one thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. WADE We'll see! AJAX (to Angel Dust) All yours. We re-take WADE'S P.O.V. as Angel Dust, chewing her matchstick, re-enters frame above him, smiles, then punches him in the face. Black. 53. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 32 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT/DAY - MONTAGE - PAST 32 A MONTAGE of Wade's treatments in the Workshop, set to the notes of JOHN DENVER's inspirational classic, `I WANT TO LIVE.' Juxtaposed with HARROWING VIGNETTES of Angel Dust and AJAX experimenting on WADE... ...as he GASPS, CLAWS, SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. Wade is DUNKED into thick, molasses-like LIQUID. PULLED and YANKED, POKED and PRODDED by contraptions that would have shamed the Spanish Inquisition. SAWED. COMPRESSED. SLICED. DICED. SLAP-CHOPPED. BLED. LONG SYRINGES PLUNGE DEEP INTO SOFT TISSUE. SCALPELS MAKE LONG INCISIONS. ENDOSCOPIC CAMERAS TRAVEL THROUGH THE BODY, REVEALING THE DIRTY WORK OF INVASIVE SURGICAL EQUIPMENT. STAPLE-GUNS DRIVE STAPLES INTO SLICED SKIN TO PULL IT BACK TOGETHER. MINIATURE CIRCULAR SAWS SLICE THROUGH BONE. IV's PULL FLUIDS FROM THE BODY AND INSERT OTHER FLUIDS IN. JOHN DENVER I want to share what I can give. I want to be... I want to live! We also see SHORT, ULTRA-FAST MINI-MONTAGES of medical instruments, implying the PASSAGE of TIME. 32AA INT. WORKSHOP - MONTAGE - NIGHT 32AA Over images of: INJECTION: AJAX (V.O.) The serum I'm injecting you with targets any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. TORTURE: AJAX (V.O.) Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we must subject you to extreme stress. (CONTINUED) 54. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 32AA CONTINUED: 32AA AJAX (V.O.) If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. AJAX (V.O.) If not, we'll have no choice but to keep hurting you in new and different ways. Each more painful than the last. 32AA INT. WORKSHOP - DAY 32AA AJAX Until you finally mutate. Or die. 33 INT. WORKSHOP - WADE'S TENT / WORM'S TENT - NIGHT 33 At last, Wade is laid back down on his table, only now in QUIET DARKNESS, MEEK, WITHOUT ANY RESISTANCE whatever. CUNNINGHAM (O.S.) Puppies. In the tent NEXT to Wade, CUNNINGHAM holds up his FIST to the fabric. Wade can see it through the cloth in SILHOUETTE. CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D) It helps picturing puppies. Wade gives Cunningham a KNUCKLE BUMP through the fabric. WADE Puppies. CUNNINGHAM Or kittens. If you swing that way. WADE (chuckles) I swing both ways. Wade swallows hard, grows serious: WADE (CONT'D) But me, I've been making a list of things I still plan to do. CUNNINGHAM A bucket list? (CONTINUED) 55. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 33 CONTINUED: 33 WADE I prefer fuck-it list: Naked tandem base- jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs... Sparking up a spliff with the Olympic torch... CUNNINGHAM Finishing my Lego Millenium Falcon... WADE Giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch oven... CUNNINGHAM Making my kids banana pancakes... AJAX (O.S.) With the mouse ears? Creative, and delicious. AJAX and ANGEL DUST enter CUNNINGHAM's tent and begin prepping him for a fresh round of torture. AJAX (CONT'D) It's OK, I encourage distractions. Can't have you giving up on us, can we now, you little worm? Suddenly, a VOICE calls out from the adjacent tent: WADE (O.S.) Don't take that shit, Cunningham! How tough can he be? Name like Francis. Ajax is very subtly SURPRISED. WHAT did Wade just say? WADE is still strapped down inside. Talking nice and LOUD: WADE (CONT'D) That's right! He got `Ajax' off a dish- washing liquid! (laughs from nearby tents) Legal name's Francis. F-R-A-N-C-I-oops. Ajax has ENTERED Wade's tent. Ajax's expression tells us all we need to know about the validity of Wade's claim. With as much freedom of motion as he has in one hand, Wade WAVES a STUB of PAPER at Francis. WADE (CONT'D) Dry-cleaning tag, Francis. Snagged it off your lab coat. (beat) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 56. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 33 CONTINUED: (2) 33 WADE (CONT'D) FYI. I may be able to get you the super- hero discount. CLOSE-UP on the tag, which reads `FREEMAN, FRANCIS.' Ajax stares hard at Wade with menacing eyes. AJAX You are so relentlessly annoying. Shut the fuck up, or I'll sew that pretty mouth shut. WADE Uh, I wouldn't do that. Here's the problem with round-the-clock torture. You can't really step it up from there. AJAX Is that what you think? WADE Yeah. Francis. That's what I think. 34 OMITTED 34 V35 EXT/INT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS V35 35 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 35 Two ORDERLIES and ANGEL DUST finish strapping Wade down and attaching ELECTRODES to his head and chest. Wade is BOUND to a HOSPITAL BED that's ENCASED in a large CAPSULE of PLEXIGLAS. The top half of the capsule is hinged to one side, OPEN, allowing Angel Dust access to Wade. Ajax sits eating a meal from some Tupperware in a nearby chair. AJAX Seems your genes are as stubborn as you. But we can still increase your suffering. We don't even have a name for this next toy. Various WIRES and TUBES run out of the capsule, connected to OXYGEN TANKS, DIALS, and a MONITOR tracking BRAIN and HEART. AJAX (CONT'D) We reduce the oxygen in the air to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 57. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 35 CONTINUED: 35 AJAX (CONT'D) If you start to pass out, and your brain waves slow, we turn up the O2. If you catch your breath, and your heart rate slows, we turn it back down. And we leave you. Right. There. WADE Um. What? AJAX Waterboarding is the most severe stress known to man. This device prolongs that stress. For hours, days, weeks... Angel Dust chews her match and TAPS the capsule with a FINGER. ANGEL DUST Or if you keep yapping, years... WADE And I thought you were dicks before this. AJAX The saddest part? You still think we're making you a super-hero. You. Dishonorable discharge. Beating up pizza guys. Hip deep in hookers. You're nothing. I'd call you an asshole, but I'd have to answer to assholes. Little secret, Wade. The Workshop doesn't make super-heroes. It makes super-slaves. We're gonna fit you for a control collar and auction you to the highest bidder. (finishes meal, gets up) Who knows what they'll force you to do. Put down freedom fighters. Murder innocents. Or maybe just mow a lawn or two. ANGEL DUST There's a brave face. Ajax goes to close the lid. WADE Seriously. Now you do have something in your teeth. AJAX Enjoy the weekend! (CONTINUED) 58. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 35 CONTINUED: (2) 35 Ajax swings the capsule CLOSED and LOCKS it. The sound leaks away until all that's left is a HISSING SOUND as AJAX hits BUTTONS to lower O2 LEVELS. Wade's voice drops out as his breathing suddenly grows SHORT and SHALLOW. The oxygen dials fall. His HEART-RATE SOARS. ANGEL DUST (chuckles) He looks like a turd in a punch-bowl. AJAX (bright idea) The `Punch-Bowl!' Wade fights off panic. His breaths become desperate GASPS. There's not enough air to talk, or even SCREAM. DISSOLVE TO: 35A INT. WORKSHOP TENT - LATER 35A Night. Eerily DARK, SILENT. An extreme CLOSE-UP of Wade's hand, nails clenched into the surface of whatever he's lying on. Is his skin... actually BUBBLING? Two MEN enter the tent and stand over the PUNCH-BOWL. CLICK. One of the men turns on a surgical light overhead, revealing himself to be a KINDLY-looking DOCTOR, avuncular, thick glasses. Next to him is an ORDERLY. The doctor peers through the Punch-Bowl's lid. He is SURPRISED by what he sees. He nods to the orderly: `Go on, hurry.' The orderly quickly unlocks and unlatches the lid, then swings it OPEN. Air RUSHES INTO the PUNCH-BOWL. The orderly steps away, leaving the doctor alone in the room. WADE, hidden in darkness, gasps as though surfacing after being held underwater. The doctor casts a SHADOW over WADE's face inside. The doctor is FASCINATED, ENLIVENED. DOCTOR Mr. Wilson... these results are remarkable. Wade takes deep LUNGS-FUL of AIR. (CONTINUED) 59. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 35A CONTINUED: 35A DOCTOR (CONT'D) Your cancer cells are more aggressive than ever. Dividing and metastasizing at a fantastic rate. WADE (broken, breathless) Yippee. DOCTOR But... the cells have inalterably changed. They're no longer destructive, but productive, selectively targeting and replacing damaged tissue. WADE That was a lot of... what's the word... syllables. Are you saying I'm better? DOCTOR Better than better. A miracle. WADE (weak smile) My Mom used to call me that. (ALT:) Me and Jesus. (beat, to doctor) Thank you. I owe you my life. Wade grows choked up. The doctor is taken with empathy and affection. He tenderly brushes the hair off Wade's forehead, of which the camera catches the tiniest glimpse. Wade's skin is not RIGHT somehow. DOCTOR There. There. Your journey's been long and difficult. But you've become something extraordinary. Just rest now. Rest. The doctor slowly exits. Wade lies there. Actually relaxes. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Then, just when I thought I could breathe easy... Who appears over the PUNCH-BOWL but... ...AJAX. (CONTINUED) 60. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 35A CONTINUED: (2) 35A AJAX Oo. Someone lost his shot at homecoming king. WADE You f-fucking sadistic- AJAX No. Not fair. Everything I've done to you has been in your best interest. Even this next bit. You may be cured, but you still need to learn to be a better man. Polite. Respectful. What better way to teach you than to close this lid... and keep torturing you stupid. Ajax SLAMS the lid shut, LATCHES and LOCKS it. The hissing resumes. Wade's eyes grow wide. He starts to slip-slide toward absolute ANGUISH. DEADPOOL (V.O.) If you think I'm losing my marbles `cause I can't breathe. You're only half right. Ajax appears to be looking in at Wade. But we RACK FOCUS to reveal he's looking at his REFLECTION in the Plexiglas lid, checking for stuff between his teeth. DEADPOOL (V.O.) See, if Francis was able to see his reflection... The camera SWINGS around to Wade's POINT-OF-VIEW of Ajax through the glass lid, which has been newly ILLUMINATED by the surgical light above... ...and then RACKS FOCUS to WADE's REFLECTED FACE. Covered with HORRIFIC SCARS. Wade is no longer a handsome young man. He is a monster. Which is perfectly visible to him one foot away. DEADPOOL (V.O.) You know what they say. You always remember your first time. Wade throws back his head in a SILENT SCREAM. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Even 5 years later... 61. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 36 EXT./INT. SCRAP-YARD / GROUND - DAY - PRESENT 36 Back in the PRESENT, we find ourselves in a huge SCRAP-YARD, where various ships, planes, etc. are sold for scrap iron. Among various vehicles is an OLD, BATTERED COMBAT CARRIER, long given up for dead. A heavy truck navigates through the heaps of scrap-metal and grinds to a stop in front of the carrier. Two heavyset MEN climb down and head toward the back of the truck, heave the heavy door open. AJAX and ANGEL DUST stand just inside, boxes and gear piled up behind them. They hop down as four more rough-looking men pile out behind them. Angel Dust drags out a WOODEN CRATE. The planks crunch as she digs her fingers into the wood and heaves it up on one burly shoulder as if it weighed no more than a sack of flour. Heavy AMMO peeks through. ANGEL DUST Better to be the hunter than the hunted. Ajax and Angel Dust walk across the muddy yard toward a service elevator bolted to the rusting hulk of the carrier. AJAX Either I kill him, or he kills me. Let's put him out of our misery... VA37 INT. GARBAGE TRUCK - DAY VA37 DEADPOOL lays horizontal. He is speaking to the AUDIENCE: DEADPOOL There... all caught up. He CLIMBS up and out of the GARBAGE TRUCK. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (yells to driver) Thanks for the lift! Apologies if I bled in the recyclables. 37 INT./EXT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 37 A mid-city DUPLEX. Borderline ghetto. Semi-furnished, `first apartment' quality: futons and torchiere lamps. (CONTINUED) 62. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 37 CONTINUED: 37 Stained carpet, currently being swept by a roaming ROOMBA. IKEA... everywhere. The same old AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN we glimpsed early in the movie - late 70's - purple floral dress - sits on a ratty couch, where the typical old woman might KNIT. Instead, this old woman uses a BOX-CUTTER to lay waste to a BIG CARDBOARD BOX from IKEA - the `IVAR SHELVING UNIT.' She lays out its components and tools on a wobbly IKEA NORNAS COFFEE TABLE... ...made more difficult by the fact that she is completely BLIND. This is Deadpool's roommate, BLIND AL. Suddenly, Blind Al's KEEN EAR picks up a faint, distant KNOCKING. She cocks her head to LISTEN. 38 EXT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 38 ANGLE ON THE FRONT YARD: Dirt. No grass. `93 Chevy Avon up on BLOCKS. An exhausted DEADPOOL is slumped against his own front door, red suit, no mask, no right HAND. He is KNOCKING weakly on the door with the SIDE of his HEAD. 39 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 39 ANGLE ON THE LIVING ROOM: BLIND AL stands up in comfy creme nursing shoes. Grabs her red-tipped CANE. And shuffles toward the front door... ...when she is TRIPPED by the ROOMBA. She FACE-PLANTS. DEADPOOL (O.S.) (from outside) Let's get ready to Rooooooomba! BLIND AL (under breath) Ass-hat. Al SWINGS her cane angrily, again and again, trying to hit the robotic vacuum, which moves happily just out of reach. She reaches her knees and stretches for the door when... ...DEADPOOL SPRINGS it open from outside, SLAMMING it into her HEAD. Blind Al goes down again. (CONTINUED) 63. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 39 CONTINUED: 39 DEADPOOL Morning, roomie! (sniffs) This place reeks like old lady pants. BLIND AL (still supine) Yes. I'm old. I wear pants. DEADPOOL But you're no lady. Blind Al struggles to a sitting position. Deadpool walks past her in his socks, drops his muddy BOOTS to the floor and slips into a pair of POWDER-BLUE CROCS parked just inside the door. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) So comfy. BLIND AL Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. DEADPOOL You mean my big rubber masturbatin' shoes? BLIND AL Yes I know. Downside of being blind: I hear everything in this duplex. Deadpool walks bitterly past one wall of the DUPLEX, which is COVERED - WALL-to-WALL, FLOOR-to-CEILING, with CHRISTMAS ADVENT CALENDARS. Tons of ornaments/candies/etc. adorn the calendars. There's not ONE CALENDAR left uncovered. DEADPOOL One-thousand eight-hundred twenty-two ornaments pinned to two-hundred-sixty calendars. All for a `Christmas' that... never... came! BLIND AL Too much naughty, too little nice. DEADPOOL Sit on a stick. DEADPOOL SPLAYS OUT on a white futon, MOANING, nursing his horrifying wound. (CONTINUED) 64. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 39 CONTINUED: (2) 39 BLIND AL Bactine? DEADPOOL (dripping sarcasm) Yeah. Bactine should do it. How's the Kullen coming? IKEA doesn't assemble itself. Blind Al sits back on the ratty couch and begins applying the finishing touches to the shelving unit. BLIND AL You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal. DEADPOOL Anything's an improvement on the Hurdal. I'd have taken a Hemnes... or even a Trysil... over the Hurdal. But I didn't get excited `til I saw the Kullen. BLIND AL Screw please. DEADPOOL Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades for you. BLIND AL You'd be surprised. DEADPOOL And totally grossed out! Blind Al turns the final screw, beyond unenthusiastic. BLIND AL Ta. Dah. The dresser look like the Leaning Tower of Piza in shitty particle board. Deadpool TOSSES a DIRTY MAGAZINE on top. The Kullen COLLAPSES. BLIND AL (CONT'D) I wish I'd never heard of Craig's List. DEADPOOL And I quote: `Looking for roommate. Blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands.' Or wouldya rather I build IKEA and you pay rent? (CONTINUED) 65. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 39 CONTINUED: (3) 39 BLIND AL Why such a douche this morning? DEADPOOL Let's recap. That cock-thistle who turned me into this freak... the one I've been waiting five years for... slipped through my arms today. Arm. Deadpool holds up his previously severed arm, which now has a little tweenage ARM emerging off it. Yes. Deadpool can GROW BACK LIMBS. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Catching him was my only chance to be hot again. Get my super-sexy ex back. And stop the same shit from happening to anyone else. So yeah, things are pretty fucking scrumptious. Deadpool stands. Walks behind the couch, and as he passes the back of Blind Al's head... FARTS. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Hash-tag Drive-by. BLIND AL (to herself) I'm gonna find this `Craig.' And I'm gonna kill him. DEADPOOL Once I've got the cure, I'm gonna do the same to Francis... RS40 INT. WORKSHOP TENT - LATER RS40 WADE, newly scarred, hidden in darkness, continues to GASP as though being held underwater. Then the lid on the punch-bowl SLIDES BACK, revealing AJAX. Wade takes deep LUNGS-FUL of AIR. Ajax leans in for a closer look. AJAX Bloody hell. Someone lost his shot at homecoming king. WADE (can barely speak) What have you done to me?! AJAX You give me too much credit. This... this is the result of your genes. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 66. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 RS40 CONTINUED: RS40 AJAX (CONT'D) The punch bowl merely raised your stress to trigger the mutation. WADE You... sadistic... fuck! AJAX Where's the gratitude?! You're cured! Your mutated cells can heal anything. They're attacking the cancer as fast as it can form. Your insides are a war zone. Not to mention your outsides! Wade looks stunned as he struggles to process all this information. Ajax smiles down. AJAX (CONT'D) I've seen similar side-effects before. I could cure them for you. But really, where's the fun in that? Wade says nothing, hating him but wanting to believe. AJAX (CONT'D) I'm going to close this lid again. Maybe you no longer need it. But I do. For a long moment, Wade stares intensely at Ajax and sees... nothing, a black hole of empathy. And he knows this is a man who will never stop hurting him. ***NOTE: We will not be reshooting the rest of the scene below with the exception of the final shot.**** So he turns his gaze to the ceiling and WITHDRAWS into himself... the one place the cruelty can no longer reach him. Angel Dust enters, chewing on her usual matchstick. AJAX He's all yours. Angel leans over the Punch-bowl, starts to undo Wade's restraints. ANGEL You smell like shit. When Angel Dust leans close to Wade's head he suddenly comes alive and uses the strength he has left to HEAD-BUTT her in the FOREHEAD. (CONTINUED) 67. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 CONTINUED: AJAX (impressed) Whoa. Angel advances toward Wade. Ajax stops her. AJAX (CONT'D) Hey, hey, alright. It's alright. I think he earned that one, yeah? You take off. Go on... off you go. As Angel Dust EXITS the tent, she reaches to her mouth for her matchstick... only it's not there. She frowns, fishes another match from her pocket, and tucks it between her lips. Ajax finishes strapping Wade back down and goes to close the lid. AJAX (CONT'D) One question. What's my name? Wade remains listless, mouth SHUT. BLINKS. AJAX (CONT'D) Didn't think so. Ajax CLOSES and LOCKS the lid. HISS. The oxygen DIALS FALL. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Sorry, Francis. But my lips are sealed. And then we're inside the punch bowl with Wade as the oxygen levels drop and the suffering rises. Through a fog of misery Wade sees Ajax staring down, watching him, drinking in his pain. 41 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 41 Back in the Punch-Bowl, Wade OPENS his MOUTH... within which he was HIDING a SINGLE MATCHSTICK, clenched carefully - dryly - between his teeth. He inhales... then SPITS OUT the match into his waiting PALM. Finally, he STRIKES it against the side of the Punch Bowl. Wade aims the now FLAMING match toward the tiny HOLE through which OXYGEN flows. The match is quickly burning down. Will it reach the hole before it snuffs out? At the last possible moment... ...the flame COMBUSTS the stream of oxygen, IGNITING it... (CONTINUED) 68. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 41 CONTINUED: 41 ...back through the TRANSPARENT PLASTIC TUBE that trails outside the Punch-Bowl. The flame SNAKES through the tube, this way and that, until it reaches the OXYGEN TANK standing next to the Punch-Bowl. A beat. Then the TANK EXPLODES. The BLOWS APART. The hospital bed SNAPS in TWO. Out in the ward, the FIREBALL curls outward, spreading from TENT to TENT. BOOM! BOOM! Other flammable tanks DETONATE. The tents GO UP like ROMAN CANDLES. It's now MASS CHAOS. ALARMS BLARE. Flames LEAP. Smoke BILLOWS. Patients FLEE. A CURTAIN of FIRE suddenly DISPERSES, replaced by billowy WHITE SMOKE from an OVER-SIZED CHROME FIRE EXTINGUISHER... ...held by AJAX, who STRIDES grimly toward Wade's tent. He throws back the burning fabric... ...and nearly EATS an OXYGEN TANK. He BLOCKS it at the last moment with his FIRE EXTINGUISHER. CLANG. On the other end of the oxygen tank, WIND-MILLING it with unbridled FEROCITY, is WADE. WADE and AJAX SWING the oxygen tank and fire extinguisher like modern day CLUBS, trying to take off each other's heads. CLANG! BANG! BAM! The tanks COLLIDE in mid-air. Ajax's fingers CRUNCH between metal. He doesn't even feel it. Wade grabs the HOSE of Ajax's fire extinguisher, angles it up, and gets his finger on the TRIGGER. The extinguisher BLASTS. Ajax is momentarily BLINDED. Wade brings the oxygen tank down like a LUMBERJACK'S AXE. Ajax BLOCKS it, but is driven to his KNEES. Wade's eyes are lit with fire. DOWN the tank COMES, again and AGAIN. Ajax takes his own fire extinguisher to the CHIN. Then catches a BLOW from the oxygen TANK to his TEMPLE. The extinguisher goes FLYING. Wade swings the OXYGEN TANK AGAIN, but against all odds, AJAX CATCHES it and SLAMS it back into Wade's NOSE. CRUNCH. (CONTINUED) 69. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 41 CONTINUED: (2) 41 Ajax rises to his feet, and the two grip OPPOSITE SIDES of the OXYGEN TANK, GRAPPLING with every ounce of strength. Wade sweeps Ajax's feet and he topples over backwards, Wade on top of him. Wade lifts the heavy tank and slams it into his face. Once. Twice. Three times. CRACK. As he's about to finish the job Ajax smiles, blood bubbling from his smashed lips. AJAX You can't kill me, Wade. I'm the only one who can fix that ugly mug. Wade looks torn as his rage gives way to something like hope. He tosses the tank away. WADE Then time to make me me again. A scream of terror behind Wade makes Wade turn. CUNNINGHAM (O.S.) Wade! Help! Wade! Wade looks through the smoke and flame and spies a helpless Cunningham lying in the flaming wreckage. WADE Fuck! Wade drops Ajax and SPRINTS to Cunningham, starts dragging at the WRECKAGE trapping him, when... SLICE! A long piece of sheared REBAR THRUSTS CLEAN THROUGH his CHEST from BEHIND. The force sends the spear DEEP into the wooden floor beams, pinning Wade like an insect in an entomologist's display. In a grand display of strength, AJAX BENDS the end of the rebar to keep Wade pinned... then walks around and squats down into Wade's eye line, wearing a triumphant sneer. AJAX Say it. `Francis.' Blood dribbles from Wade's mouth as he tries in vain to push himself off the bloody spike of metal. Ajax rises, scans the burning workshop with a scowl - clearly a lost cause - and turns to leave. Cunningham screams again as the flames near him. Grunting with the pain and effort Wade tries to push himself off the spike. (CONTINUED) 70. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 41 CONTINUED: (3) 41 His hands slip on the blood-slick metal, and he cannot free himself. His VOLTRON RING lies on the floor next to him. Wade and Cunningham share a last look. Cunningham clamps his jaws shut, fighting the agony. CREAK... CRACKLE... the ROOF COLLAPSES, BURYING BOTH OF THEM. And we... CUT TO BLACK. FADE UP ON: 42 INT. WORKSHOP - DAY 42 Morning's first sunlight. WADE's VOLTRON RING lies COMPLETELY MELTED in the DEBRIS. The camera follows it to Wade's hand... then up his arm to his FACE. WADE's eyelids flutter, and he COMES TO. He is naked, his hospital gown burned away. We see BLACKENED SLUDGE, SOOT, charred remains. The melted and scorched metal rod next to him. Wade slowly realizes where he is and what happened. He reaches down to his stomach wound... WHICH HAS MIRACULOUSLY HEALED. Wade sits up, stunned. DEADPOOL (V.O.) I didn't just get the cure to El Cáncer. I got the cure to everything. V43 EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING - PAST V43 VANESSA, tired, broken, mind seemingly elsewhere, walks towards her apartment. She passes a loving young COUPLE, arm- in-arm. Vanessa clocks this sadly, continues on. Behind her, PEOPLE walk to and fro. Among them, we REVEAL: WADE, dressed in ill-fitting pants and a hoodie. He is a TRAIN-WRECK, scarred face on display to the world for the first time. He looks purposeful, but tentative, walking behind Vanessa, GAINING on her. ANGLE ON: WADE's P.O.V. A BOY goes by on his bike, trying hard not to gape. A TODDLER in a STROLLER looks up and BURSTS INTO TEARS. The toddler's MOTHER hustles past. (CONTINUED) 71. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 V43 CONTINUED: V43 MOTHER Alex, don't stare. VANESSA stops and rifles through her purse for keys. STILL on Wade's P.O.V. Wade stops, too, suddenly paralyzed, as the moment to face Vanessa arrives. As he hesitates, torn with anguish, the WHISPERS seem to grow, rising in volume until they become deafening: WHISPER 2 (O.S.) Oh, my, god, that is so fucking gnarly. WHISPER 3 (O.S.) I just lost my appetite. Wade spins, trying to see where the voices are coming from. Nowhere... everywhere. The WHISPERS crescendo, now more in Wade's mind than in reality. He turns back to Vanessa, his face a mask of fear and pain... just as she disappears into her apartment building. The closing glass door reveals his own HIDEOUS REFLECTION STARING BACK AT HIM. DEADPOOL In the whole wide world, there's nothing as ugly... (beat) ...as fear. He gives up on his mission, backing away from his reflection, Vanessa, his old life. He stumbles off the curb and into the street, when... BAM! He is CRUSHED OUT OF FRAME by a SPEEDING BUS. SMASH CUT TO BLACK. FADE UP ON: A43 INT. MORGUE - NIGHT A43 THREE BODY BAGS lie on SLABS in a MORGUE. Without warning, the MIDDLE bag SITS UP STRAIGHT at the WAIST... ...then tries to CATERPILLAR its way to the edge of its slab... (CONTINUED) 72. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 A43 CONTINUED: A43 ...but instead pitches off the slab - CRUNCH - FACE-FIRST onto the floor. WADE (O.S.) Ow. B44 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - NIGHT B44 An FBI-STYLE `ORGANIZATIONAL CHART' has been pinned on Wade's CORKBOARD in the lair. A `pyramid' of baddies are linked by strings. Each baddie is depicted not by a photograph, but a child-like CRAYON DRAWING. Second from the top is the RECRUITER. At the APEX of the pyramid is AJAX HIMSELF. DEADPOOL, in his LAIR, sews together an early `proto- costume.' We see quick cuts of pieces of it going on: White Adidas track suit. White gloves. White boots. And some sort of white mask... A single gun, underarm holster, boot knife but no swords. VC44 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT VC44 DEADPOOL Don't make me ask twice. Where's Francis?! DEADPOOL questions a bleeding thug, more bodies scattered across a floor littered with broken furniture behind him. Another thug rushes in and smashes a pool cue over Deadpool's skull. Deadpool snatches the broken shaft of wood and PUNCHES it into the thugs belly. A third thug staggers to his feet, pulls a pistol, fires multiple shots point blank. Deadpool staggers back, blood blossoming across his white suit. "CLICK" The thug stares in disbelief that Deadpool's still standing. Deadpool looks down at the shaft of wood in his hand. Thinks. (CONTINUED) 73. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VC44 CONTINUED: VC44 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I said, where's... fucking... FR- (realizes) You made me ask twice. Deadpool spins the bloody cue with inhuman dexterity and starts towards the terrified thug, accidentally knocking over a PITCHER of BLOODY MARY onto his already bloody stained suit. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Fuck. Me. D44 INT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY D44 DEADPOOL, TIDE STAIN-STICK in hand, tries unsuccessfully to get the blood out of his white suit. We get our first glimpse of BLIND AL, who's sitting next to Deadpool at the laundromat, completely unfazed by the bloodbath: BLIND AL Seltzer water and lemon for blood. (off Deadpool's impressed look, shrugs) Or wear red. Deadpool's eyes light up. He crumples this suit into a ball and tosses it into a trash bin. E44/H44 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - NIGHT E44/H44 Deadpool stabs a KNIFE into the picture of the GOON he just killed (at the bottom of the pyramid)... right in the FOREHEAD. F44 INT. LAIR - NIGHT F44 DEADPOOL's at the sewing machine again. Quick cuts of a RED `proto' outfit going on: Cheap red sweats. Red gloves. Red converse. As yet unseen RED MASK, which turns out to be... VG44 INT. UNDERGROUND FIGHT - NIGHT VG44 ...a RED `LUCHA LIBRE' PRO WRESTLING MASK. Deadpool stands in the shadows of a dingy basement, low ceilings, walls stacked high with cases of liquor. (CONTINUED) 74. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VG44 CONTINUED: VG44 In a BOXING RING at the center of the room two WOMEN pound each other surrounded by a scrum of a CROWD. Deadpool spies his mark in a dirty white suit pressed in tight ringside. Deadpool pulls his mask down, wades into the crowd, throwing men aside, PLOWING toward his target. The mark sees Deadpool at the last second, turns as a KATANA flashes out and skewers his hand, pinning it to the wall. Deadpool fires a couple shots into the ceiling, sending the rest of the crowd rushing for the exit. DEADPOOL Don't make me ask twice. Where's- SMASH CUT TO: J44 INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - INTERROGATIONS/KILLS J44 Deadpool has a goon at sword-point. DEADPOOL Donde esta Francisco? THUG I don't speak Spanish. DEADPOOL (sighs) And I don't have time for you to learn. Deadpool kills the thug. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Take me to your leader. (turns) I've always wanted to say that. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Squeal. Like a pig. Where's Francis? DEADPOOL In no particular order. Where's your boss? And where can I find good Indian food? HENCHMAN Why the red suit? (CONTINUED) 75. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 J44 CONTINUED: J44 DEADPOOL That's so bad guys can't- never mind, they've already heard that. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) You're about to tell me everything you know about Francis Freeman. Known aliases. Current whereabouts. Boxers or briefs. Go. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (forces guy's mouth open, goes in with knife) Open your mouth. Here comes the airplane! GOON (gun pointed at forehead, a la Joseph Takagi) I don't know, I'm telling you. You're just going to have to kill me. DEADPOOL OK. (shoots goon in head, a la Hans Gruber, then, to audience:) Right?! DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (goon at knifepoint) Don't make me break out the Collective Soul CDs. DEADPOOL You give me your boss. I give you the rest of your life. (CONTINUED) 76. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 J44 CONTINUED: (2) J44 DEADPOOL (throws woman onto table) I don't feel good about myself. But where is he? I'm so sorry. L44 EXT./INT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS L44 New COSTUME. BOOM. A MAN dies. STAB. His picture is knifed. BOOM. STAB. QUESTIONS. BOOM! STAB! INTERROGATION. BOOM! STAB! DEADPOOL questions more and more thugs, each bit of information bringing him closer.... Soon there is a FOREST of knives sticking from the board. ...and only the RECRUITER and AJAX are left. K44/VK44 INT. RICE WORLD - NIGHT K44/VK44 A wretched room, dirty mattresses covering the floor. Dim light scatters through a tangle of IV bags hastily strung up over MEN too poor to have anywhere else to go and die. The RECRUITER kneels, speaking quietly to a particularly hardened patient. He places a card in the man's emaciated hand, then stands and walks toward a low doorway. The recruiter enters a brightly lit room stacked high with bags of rice. Two heavily armed THUGS fall in beside him. The men scan the aisles as they move toward a door leading out into an alley. DEADPOOL Agent Smith! They turn to see DEADPOOL, high atop a stack of rice bags. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I know, right?! I look like a million bucks. (turns to camera) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 77. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 K44/VK44 CONTINUED: K44/VK44 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Literally - this suit cost Fox a million dollars. Without a word, the Recruiter flees, running through the big roll-up door. Deadpool leaps to land between the two bodyguards as they draw their weapons and spray the room with gunfire. One goes down in a bloody heap. Deadpool leaps toward the other, skewers him with both swords. The thug falls backward, dead before he hits the ground. L44/VL44 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT L44/VL44 DEADPOOL Come out, come out, wherever you are! (darkens) Don't make me ask tw- (pleasantly surprised) Good for you! The Recruiter has stepped timidly from between overflowing garbage bins, hands raised, eager to talk his way out of this mess: RECRUITER To whom should I address my... desperate bargaining? DEADPOOL Don't recognize the voice? Maybe the resumé: Forty-one confirmed kills. Make that Eighty-nine. Seven the past week alone. Same rate most folks... (pulls out SWORD) ...get a shave. RECRUITER (realizes who it is, fights to stay composed) Mr... Wilson? DEADPOOL Ding-ding-ding! Now... you're about to tell me where I can find your boss. Or I'm gonna make you feel worse. Wait... Deadpool brings the sword closer to the recruiter's face. Turns to CAMERA: DEADPOOL (CONT'D) ...worse than worse. (CONTINUED) 78. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 L44/VL44 CONTINUED: L44/VL44 RECRUITER And I pride myself on being persuasive. SMASH CUT TO: RS44 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - DAY - PAST RS44 WADE stands in the shadows. WEASEL sits at a table. WADE No... no way! I'm not making her life as ugly as mine! WEASEL C'mon, you can't look that bad! It's like that blemish no one notices but you. WADE Wrong. I'm a monster, inside and out. I belong in a circus, the kind that rolls around Eastern Europe in covered wagons. WEASEL I can't envision a scenario where Vanessa won't take you ba- (Wade steps into light, takes off his hoodie) -aaaaaccckkk!! Holy shit. You... are... terrifying. You look like an avocado had sex with an older avocado. Wade grabs the bottle of JACK DANIELS from the table, GUZZLES. WEASEL (CONT'D) We might have to move our relationship to text and phone only. Wade ignores Weas, slams down the bottle: WADE And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug, the asshole who ran that mutant factory, escaped to who knows where. WEASEL I take back the Vanessa thing. You have only one option. WADE Find Francis-Go-Fuck-Himself. (CONTINUED) 79. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 RS44 CONTINUED: RS44 WEASEL (not listening) Star in low budget horror movies. Seriously, you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. WADE (equally not listening) I'm gonna work my way through his crew... crushing bad guys' skulls, `til one of `em leads me to Francis. Then I'll force him to cure this face. Stomp his bloody guts into a fine vintage. And win Vanessa back. WEASEL OK. Not exactly the plot of Beauty and the Beast, but cool. Good news, that douche thinks you're dead. Advantage you. He won't think you're coming. Bad news, with a puss like that, you'll be spotted fast. WADE (derisive) So what do you suggest? A mask? WEASEL Not a bad idea! You... are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares. WADE (nods) Like a testicle with teeth. WEASEL How `bout a super-suit? And a nickname! Bitter-Boy. Super-Fist. Captain Never- Die. (deflates at a thought) WADE What? WEASEL Nothing. It's just... you know, I just realized, I'm never winning the- Weasel looks over to Wade, sees him staring. He follows Wade's gaze up to the board on the wall. WADE Deadpool. (CONTINUED) 80. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 RS44 CONTINUED: (2) RS44 As Wade says the word, he and Weasel share a look. EUREKA. Wade holds up the BOTTLE. WEASEL Deadpool. To you, Mr. Pool. The two CLINK GLASSES. 44A INT./EXT. MONTAGE - DAY/NIGHT - PAST 44A A highly pleased DEADPOOL holds up the-soon-to-become-famous MASK for the first time, ushering in... a MONTAGE: WADE, at SISTER MARGARET's, receives a YELLOW CARD with a Cypress Tree from WEASEL. He turns a LUCHA LIBRE mask INSIDE OUT to reveal the classic DEADPOOL MASK we all know and love. Puts it on. Then dresses - piece-by-piece - in the RED UNIFORM we've come to know and love. And at last, UNSHEATHES A KATANA. The sword TWIRLS, SLASHES, LUNGES into shadow. A HANDKERCHIEF WIPES BLOOD from the BLADE. The katana gets SHEATHED again. The same yellow card is now RECEIVED and PUNCHED by Weasel. Wade is paid in TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS. WHIP CREAM froths onto a shot glass. A BLOW-JOB is TOSSED BACK. Meanwhile, VANESSA plays SKEE-BALL wistfully by herself at the ARCADE: SKEE-BALLS roll into HOLES. LIGHTS FLASH. TICKETS CHURN OUT. VANESSA catches a reflection of someone STARING at her from across the lobby. When she spins around, the culprit is GONE. Vanessa SHIVERS... but it's a warm shiver, somehow. A HEAP of TICKETS slides across the prize counter. A big STUFFED ANIMAL slides into Vanessa's arms. Vanessa tosses it into an empty CLOSET inside her and Wade's former APARTMENT. Then stares out the SPIDER-WEB CRACK in the window. Back at DEADPOOL's LAIR, Deadpool places various suspicious accoutrements on the NORNAS COFFEE TABLE: an 8x11 framed photo of VANESSA. A BOTTLE of JERGENS. A BOX of KLEENEX. His BELT. His powder-blue CROCS. Deadpool kicks back on the FUTON. Smiles under his mask. CUT TO: BLIND AL, building yet another shelving unit, looking up with a grossed-out frown: `Am I hearing what I think I'm hearing?' Next, DEADPOOL finishes plastering hundreds of ADVENT CALENDARS he's purchased onto one WALL of his LAIR. (CONTINUED) 81. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 44A CONTINUED: 44A When the wall is covered, he carefully pins the FIRST ornament onto the FIRST tree on the FIRST calendar. And at last, his MASK comes OFF and his HEAD hits the PILLOW. Instantly, the montage CRANKS UP its SPEED, with quicker and quicker EDITS. The visual totems that have just been introduced begin to FLY by... shorthand for the passage of time: Yellow cards are given, received, punched. Blades are unsheathed, sheathed, cleaned. Whip cream sprayed. Drinks consumed. Skee-balls rolled into holes. Tickets won. Prizes earned. Tossed onto a EVER-GROWING PILE in the closet. VANESSA staring out her window. Jergens pumped. Kleenexes pulled. Crocs discarded. BLIND AL's ears plugged. Ornaments are pinned to calendars. Lords a-leap. Swans a- swim. Maids a-milk. Mask comes off. Head hits pillow. Mask pulls on. The images fly by FASTER... FASTER... FASTER. Whip cream. Skee-balls. Crocs. Ornaments. Weasel. Deadpool. Vanessa. Al. `I NEED A HERO' plays faster and faster, too - higher and higher, like a record on too many RPMs. The effect is rhythmic... hypnotic... ...until finally, the montage REACHES a CRESCENDO. And then BOOM! Ratchets back to REGULAR SPEED: `CHRISTMAS MORNING' has arrived. All the calendars but one are now fully studded with decorations. DEADPOOL plucks out one last STAR to pin atop the final TREE. Only it's not a star at all, it's AJAX's MUG SHOT clipped out from the old NEWSPAPER. With great satisfaction, Deadpool pins the faded photo to the last treetop. The music dies, and Deadpool turns to camera. (CONTINUED) 82. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 44A CONTINUED: (2) 44A DEADPOOL Santa Claus is coming... SMASH CUT TO: 45 OMITTED 45 46 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAY - PAST 46 DEADPOOL (O.S.) ...to town! DEADPOOL has ONE LEG in his COSTUME and the other LEG still stabbing for the other pants-hole. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Late-late-late-late-late! He HOPS ACROSS the hall past BLIND AL, not really paying attention to her. We're revisiting the moment from earlier JUST AFTER she TRIPS on Deadpool's DUFFEL of AMMUNITION, PICKS it up, and DRAGS it OFF. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry! BLIND AL I hope you're doing us the courtesy of pants. 47 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY - PAST 47 DEADPOOL runs out to the street corner and WAVES. DEADPOOL Taxi! A TAXI - if you've been paying attention, you will recognize it - pulls up to the curb. Deadpool opens the rear door. A WOMAN steps out, pausing to pay Dopinder. WOMAN Keep the change. Deadpool frowns. The woman is pulling her money from a BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE. Deadpool's eyes raise from the purse to the woman holding it: BERNADETTE PETERS HERSELF! Deadpool doubletakes, then shakes his head (`Nah, couldn't be...') and climbs into the cab. Who is behind the wheel but... DOPINDER Where do you want to be going! (CONTINUED) 83. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 47 CONTINUED: 47 DEADPOOL (looks to camera) And we all know how this turned out. Cue Benny Hill speed... The action goes into Benny-Hill-like HYPER-SPEED as we relive the opening scenes of the movie: DEADPOOL's CAB RIDE. AJAX crumpling up his orange jumpsuit and switching places with a motorcycle RIDER at the RAFT. The FREEWAY FIGHT with AJAX's GOONS. The CONFRONTATION with COLOSSUS. Until at last... VRS48 EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY VRS48 Transport TRUCKS idle in the loading dock. A docile SUPER-SLAVE, fitted with a control collar and cuffs, steps into a CRATE IDENTICAL to the ONES AJAX DELIVERED TO THE WARLORD in ACT ONE. He lies down. ANGEL DUST is overseeing. She plunges a pistol-grip syringe into his neck and fires: ANGEL DUST For your flight. The man's eyelids flutter shut. Next to him, four identical crates hold four unconscious men and women. The workshop henchmen hammer on the tops and laboriously load them up into the truck. ANGEL picks up one over her shoulder with ease. She turns at the sound of a sputtering motorcycle getting closer. Ajax rolls in on one of the battered black bikes from the freeway. Smoke curls from its broken tailpipe. He steps off the bike while it's still moving, just letting it roll forward and tip to the ground with a clank. AJAX (O.S.) Quit showing off, Angel. Angel doesn't seem surprised by his dirty and bloodied appearance. A raised eyebrow and a disapproving look is all she has for her boss. RSA48 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY RSA48 A WAREHOUSE full of SURGICAL EQUIPMENT. OVERHEAD LAMPS. FABRIC TENTS. CHROME TABLES, one of which Ajax sits on. AJAX Wade Fucking Wilson. (CONTINUED) 84. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 RSA48 CONTINUED: RSA48 ANGEL DUST stands in front of him, putting stitches into his GORY MESS of a SHOULDER WOUND. He doesn't so much as FLINCH. ANGEL DUST Makes perfect sense. AJAX I suppose if I looked like him, I'd wear a mask too. (Angel finishes final stitch) Only wish I mended the same. Ajax pops off the table. Swings his arm around, testing his shoulder. AJAX (CONT'D) Not to worry. We'll put him out of our misery. On our terms. ANGEL DUST And if he heals? AJAX He can't - if there's nothing left of him to heal. And then we go back to business as usual. Ajax's hand is a blur as he plucks the MATCHSTICK from Angel's mouth. AJAX (CONT'D) What say we leave the matches at home? 49 INT. DEADPOOL'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - PRESENT 49 ...the PAST reaches the PRESENT. REGULAR SPEED AGAIN. DEADPOOL is sitting on his futon, Crocs on, staring at camera. DEADPOOL There. All caught up. (shifts weight, moans, lies back on futon) BLIND AL (O.S.) Tylenol P.M.? BLIND AL shuffles over from the kitchen with a cup of tea and a bottle of Tylenol. She eases down onto the futon next to Deadpool. (CONTINUED) 85. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 49 CONTINUED: 49 DEADPOOL You can stick that where you stuck the Bactine! I found my stash of wisdom- tooth Percocet in the Storjorm, and I'm orbiting Saturn. But I appreciate the gesture. Deadpool lays his head on Blind Al's shoulder and gently rubs her face with his KID HAND. BLIND AL Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? DEADPOOL The size of a KFC spork. BLIND AL Eesh. I get why you're so pissy. But your mood's never gonna brighten `til you find this woman you love and tell her how you feel! DEADPOOL What do I keep saying, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me! If you could see me, you'd understand. BLIND AL Love is blind, Wade. DEADPOOL No, you're blind. The ROOMBA sucks up THREE SCREWS next to an IVAR shelving unit. BLIND AL What was that? DEADPOOL A clue why our Ivar shelving unit's about to fall the fuck apart. BLIND AL So you're just gonna lie there and whimper? DEADPOOL Just clocking time `til this arm plows through puberty. I've got a new Christmas Day. (CONTINUED) 86. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 49 CONTINUED: (2) 49 Deadpool throws his feet, CROCS and all, up on the coffee table. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Now, ya may want to leave the room. (beat) I bet it feels huge in this hand. RS50 INT. SISTER MARGARET'S - NIGHT RS50 WEASEL is on the house phone. The bar is BUSTLING. WEASEL Wade, we got a problem. And by we I mean you. VB51 EXT. NO. 5 ORANGE - NIGHT VB51 DEADPOOL and WEASEL walk hastily, purposefully into the eye of the storm. Deadpool is a HOT MESS. DEADPOOL I'm about to lose what's left of my shit. Is there a word for half-afraid, half- furious? WEASEL Afurious? Wait, is it Monday?! They have an amazing Matzah Ball Soup Monday. (beat) Never mind. Have you figured what you're gonna tell her? DEADPOOL (thinks) Fuck. WEASEL It's a start. 51A INT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 51A Lights flash. Music pumps. From across the room we see WADE and WEASEL enter. Weasel jokes with the DOORMAN while Wade scans the crowd, searching for Vanessa. EMCEE STAN LEE, sweatsuit, gold chains, Beats headphones, lords from a glass cubicle: STAN LEE Coming onto the stage, give it up for... Chastity! 87. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 52 INT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 52 WEASEL Or as I like to call her, Irony! DEADPOOL navigates through a TIGHTLY-PACKED CROWD toward the MAIN STAGE, accompanied by WEASEL. DEADPOOL We gotta find her fast. Before fuck-ass. WEASEL How do you even know she's here? DEADPOOL I come for the French Onion Soup. How do you think? I'm constantly stalking that fox. Deadpool STOPS in his tracks, STARING. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Every time I see her is like the first time. REVERSE ANGLE to reveal what Deadpool is looking at: the gorgeous backside of a COCKTAIL WAITRESS in a skimpy dress. Back to Deadpool: DEADPOOL (V.O.) Even from this angle. Especially from this angle. Hypnotized, Deadpool puts one foot in front of the other, approaching the waitress. Suddenly, the WAITRESS TURNS to reveal her face: VANESSA. Deadpool immediately CHICKENS OUT, puts his head down, turns away from her into the press of MEN around one of the stages. Vanessa catches the vaguest glimpse, but before she can get a better look, Deadpool is swallowed up by the crowd. She gets that warm shiver again... the one that says she's feeling an old presence. She stares after Deadpool. It couldn't possibly be. Deadpool pushes past the men, almost in a panic, beating a HASTY RETREAT toward WEASEL at the back of the room. (CONTINUED) 88. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 52 CONTINUED: 52 DEADPOOL (V.O.) Shittiest moment numero tres. Deadpool walks past Weasel, fleeing into the men's room... 53 INT. MEN'S REST ROOM - CONTINUOUS 53 ...and SPLASH! Washes his face at the SINK. DEADPOOL Lezzdothis. Before I re-reconsider. Maximum effort. A hand comes into frame offering a paper towel. It belongs to a WASHROOM ATTENDANT in a tuxedo vest. Deadpool uses the towel to wipe his face and finishes with the attendant's sleeve. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Sorry. (tries to dry attendant's sleeve with paper towel) I get very uncomfortable around you guys. (takes mint off counter, then condom off counter, then sees tip jar) Crisp high five? 54 INT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 54 VANESSA sets down a tray of empty glasses. Her scum-bag of a MANAGER gives her a heads-up: MANAGER Someone out back asking for you. Said somethin' about an old boyfriend? 55 EXT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - ALLEY - NIGHT 55 VANESSA exits the club into an ALLEY, one of Wade's old jackets thrown over her shoulders. One sickly street lamp casts some light. The rest is obscured in SHADOW. Vanessa spies the shape of a MAN hiding in the shadows. VANESSA I knew it was you. Vanessa is seized by memories. She peers into the dark, heart pounding. VANESSA (CONT'D) With the weird, curvy edges. (CONTINUED) 89. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 55 CONTINUED: 55 Then steps forward slowly, nervously. Overcome with emotion. VANESSA (CONT'D) (barely audible) Like a jigsaw puzzle. No one answers. Vanessa gets a bad feeling and starts to back up. The man steps confidently into the light. Not WADE... ...but AJAX. Vanessa spins around and runs straight into Angel Dust, who step out of the shadows. Vanessa make a grab for her purse, contents spilling out onto the grimy street, but her hand comes up with a TASER. She jams it into the flesh of Angel Dusts shoulder. Angel Dust just smiles as electricity arcs and sizzles. Then she grabs Vanessa's hand and twists it away. Vanessa THRASHES like a polecat. But Angel Dust is brutally strong. She clamps her hand around Vanessa's jaw and SQUEEZES, dangling her in the air by her FACE. AJAX You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. Vanessa's eyes widen in shock and surprise. AJAX (CONT'D) `The good Lord sends the fishing... Vanessa screams mutely into Angel Dust's palm. AJAX (CONT'D) ...but you must dig the bait.' 56 INT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - HALLWAY - NIGHT 56 WADE pushes through the crowd to find WEASEL sitting in GYNO ROW at the edge of the stage. He's in the middle of slipping a bill into a dancer's garter. WEASEL Manager said she went that way. (thumbs towards the back) Good luck, Tiger! DEADPOOL moves quickly down a HALL, turns a corner, and REACHES for the knob of the door to the alley. His eyes WIDEN as he remembers something IMPORTANT. (CONTINUED) 90. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 56 CONTINUED: 56 Deadpool reaches back and pulls up his hood to hide his scarred FACE. Deadpool girds himself, then OPENS the door to spy... 57 EXT. `NO. 5 ORANGE' STRIP CLUB - ALLEY - NIGHT 57 ...the empty alley. Deadpool spies a woman's CLUTCH lying alone in a pool of light, contents strewn about. He reaches down and picks up... ...his old BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE. DEADPOOL Mother-fucker best be wearing his brown pants. 58 INT. SCRAPYARD / ELEVATOR - PRE-DAWN 58 AJAX and Angel Dust stand at either side of a bound and gagged VANESSA. They are inside the metal cage of an INDUSTRIAL ELEVATOR, going UP. DEADPOOL (V.O.) And... numero dos. A bare bulb casts harsh light as they rise past a dark mass of twisted metal. Ajax looks almost bored, hums to himself tunelessly. V59 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY V59 AJAX explains his plan to VANESSA: AJAX That's what I thought, but he keeps on coming back. Like a Bad Jesus. But despite all Wade's powers, I still hold the advantage: He feels. Too strongly for his own good. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. VA60 EXT. X-MANSION - DAY VA60 A sign reads `PROFESSOR XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS.' The sign is on the perfectly manicured front lawn of the gorgeous Gothic X-MANSION. Who is standing outside the front door of the mansion but DEADPOOL, in full regalia. Deadpool raises his knuckles to KNOCK, but is suddenly STARTLED... (CONTINUED) 91. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 VA60 CONTINUED: VA60 ...by the door SWINGING OPEN to reveal an annoyed NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. She's wearing BEATS HEADPHONES. DEADPOOL Ripley from `Alien 3'! NTW Deadfool. DEADPOOL It's like you knew I was about to knock! (shivers, `creepy') Is that big steel dildo home? NTW You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? DEADPOOL Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown. Or saving money. But no. It's about me saving my girl from a bad guy, the one you two helped me lose. You do fight bad guys? (off NTW's stare) No time for hard stares, are you gonna fetch big-shiny-balls or not? Tell him I have an offer he can't refuse! NTW turns, disappears into the house. NTW Colossus! From off camera, we hear loudly, excitedly, from the second floor: COLOSSUS (O.S.) Is that you, Wade?! I knew you'd see error of ways! DEADPOOL Yep, that's me, seeing the error of my ways! I just need an itty bitty favor in return! (turns to camera, whispers) Fool him five times? Shame on him. 92. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 60 INT. DEADPOOL'S LAIR - DAWN 60 WEASEL and DEADPOOL are going through IKEA drawers, pulling out every GUN and GRENADE on God's green earth and stuffing them into a couple of Deadpool's `I *HEART* HELLO KITTY' DUFFEL BAGS. This is Deadpool's ARSENAL, big enough for a small army. In go the twin DESERT EAGLES. Then Weasel dumps an entire ARMFUL of AMMO BOXES into the duffel. WEASEL That's about... three thousand shells. A BEAT. Deadpool LOOKS AT CAMERA menacingly: DEADPOOL And we've all seen what I can do with twelve. BLIND AL enters, holding a STEYR AUG RIFLE. BLIND AL I was gonna spend tonight assembling the Borgsjo, but this is holding my interest. Both Deadpool and Weasel duck, afraid she might shoot them. DEADPOOL Careful, Ronnie Milsap, we're down-range! And we decided on the Orrberg, not the Borgsjo. BLIND AL Shit. WEASEL She cool? DEADPOOL The coolest. Plus, she could never pick you out of a line-up. BEEP-BEEP. DEADPOOL looks at his phone. The screen says, "Vanessa's Phone" DEADPOOL (CONT'D) It's Francis. He wants me to come to him. And he calls me a piece of- (squints, can't read) (CONTINUED) 93. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 60 CONTINUED: 60 WEASEL (points) That's the shit emoji. A turd with a smile, see? How did Google ever approve that? Blind Al grabs a Nerf N-Strike Elite Strong-arm Blaster from a drawer (it feels like a gun!) and goes to put it in the duffel. Deadpool almost stops her, then shrugs - maybe it will come in useful... BLIND AL That's every piece in the house. DEADPOOL Uh-uh-uh. Blind Al sighs - busted - she puts her leg up on a chair and pulls a tiny Saturday Night Special from an ankle holster... and is about to hand it over when instead, she turns, and... ...BOOM... shoots the ROOMBA, laying waste to it. BLIND AL It was him or me. (beat) I did hit it, right? DEADPOOL Please. It's been years since you've hit anything. See what I did there? BLIND AL Fuck you. Deadpool takes the tiny gun and shoves it in the small of his back. Then follows Weasel out the door. Then quickly turns back. DEADPOOL (to Al) In case I never see you again, I love you very much... and there's a hundred-ten million dollars buried somewhere in the apartment. Good luck. Watch your face. Deadpool slams the door behind him. 61 INT./EXT. TAXI - MORNING 61 A TAXI drives across the city, its BACK BUMPER scraping the ground, throwing off SPARKS. (CONTINUED) 94. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 61 CONTINUED: 61 In the PASSENGER seat: DEADPOOL, his DUFFEL at his feet. Behind the wheel: DOPINDER. DEADPOOL Any luck winning Gita back? DOPINDER I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool. But Bandhu is more craftier - and handsomer - than me. DEADPOOL (shrugs) It's all relative. Deadpool quickly LIFTS his MASK, revealing his SCARS to Dopinder. STARTLED, Dopinder FLINCHES and SIDESWIPES a PARKED CAR. COLOSSUS (O.S.) Stop the car. I must leave a note. Cut to the BACK SEAT to find COLOSSUS CRAMMED in, KNEES to CHEST. He's drinking a CAPPUCCINO in a Dunkin' Donuts cup. DEADPOOL Oh, please. I'll bet the halls of your high school were very well monitored. DOPINDER I cannot be stopping. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.) Wait, I'm getting a premonition. To Colossus's left is NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. She's holding two fingers to her temple again, a la Professor X. Then nods toward Dopinder. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT'D) He's uninsured. DOPINDER She indeed has ESPN! I am quite uninsuranced. DEADPOOL You mean ESP. But come on! I coulda- NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD -called that yourself? (CONTINUED) 95. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 61 CONTINUED: (2) 61 DEADPOOL Gaaaahhhh! Deadpool literally BOUNCES in frustration. DOPINDER Who brought this twinkly man? DEADPOOL Twinkly, but deadly. My big Russki friend doesn't like the idea of a whole new army of mutant mutton-heads. And I told him if he did me this solid, I'd consider joining his boy band. COLOSSUS It's not a boy band. DEADPOOL Sure it's not. The cab drives over a SMALL DIP and BOTTOMS OUT. CLANG. BANG. A muffled yelp comes from the TRUNK: VOICE (O.S.) Ow! Help. Me. BEAT. Dopinder reaches to turn up the RADIO. DEADPOOL Uh. Dopinder. What was that? DOPINDER Oh, that? That was Bandhu. COLOSSUS Bandwho? DOPINDER My romantic rival, Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, D.P. I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish. Then dump his lifeless corpse on Gita's doorstep like a cat with a dead bird. Mom and Dad will be over the moon. Deadpool looks back at Colossus and shrugs. DEADPOOL Something must've gotten lost in the translation. (gives surreptitious thumbs up to Dopinder) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 96. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 61 CONTINUED: (3) 61 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Seriously. This is no way to win Gita's heart. Return Bandhu home safe and gentle-like. And then woo Gita with your boyish charm... DOPINDER Fine, fine. Safe and gentle-like. Here we are... Dopinder pulls over and hits the meter. Then sighs. DOPINDER (CONT'D) I too am clairvoyance. I presume a crisp high five? DEADPOOL For you? Ten. DOPINDER Knock em dead, Pool Boy. Deadpool and Dopinder SLAP BOTH HANDS. DEADPOOL Time to make the chimichangas. 62 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 62 We hear the first bold notes of DMX's `X GON GIVE IT TO YA.' DEADPOOL, COLOSSUS, and NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD walk in SLO- MO across the scrapyard toward the COMBAT CARRIER. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Not often a dude ruins your face. Destroys your living. Grabs your future baby mama. Personally sees to 8 of your 10 shittiest life moments. And plans to lather-rinse-repeat on a buncha new chumps. Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... This is as cool as Deadpool has ever looked. Muscles sprouting muscles. Katanas gleaming. Then, at the height of his coolness, Deadpool STOPS, sensing something amiss. DMX cuts out. REGULAR SPEED RESUMES as Deadpool looks down to spy his FLY DOWN. He ZIPS it UP, embarrassed. DEADPOOL (to camera) It happens. A'ight, cue up DMX again. (CONTINUED) 97. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 62 CONTINUED: 62 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD Wait! Where's your duffel bag? DEADPOOL (freezes, it's missing) Gahhhhhhh! (pulls out a phone, dials) 63 INT. TAXI CAB - DAY 63 DOPINDER drives, head bobbing to a Bhangra Beat, HELLO KITTY DUFFEL still sitting in the passenger WHEEL WELL. On cue, Dopinder's CELL PHONE RINGS. Dopinder reaches for it, then fumbles it away. The phone falls to the floorboard. Dopinder looks ahead, sees the approaching traffic light is green, ducks down to make a grab, but when he returns his eyes to the road, the light is now red. Dopinder slams on his brakes. SCREECH! He manages to avoid the car in front. BAM! The taxi is REAR-ENDED, its TRUNK SMASHED like an accordion. We hear a HOLLER from inside. DOPINDER Bandhu? 64 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 64 DEADPOOL (hears crash) Goddamnit! Never mind. Nothing that can't be fixed by two swords and... (cracks neck) ...maximum effort. (points to imaginary D.J.) Gimme a beat! DMX KICKS IN AGAIN. Deadpool strides forward in SLO-MO. As they near the carrier a dozen armed and armored MERCS suddenly rise from behind the piles of scrap metal before them. Assault weapons raised, ready to fire. The trio stops, Colossus stepping in front of NTW, sheltering her behind his armored body. ANGEL DUST (O.S.) No one fires! Our heroes crane their necks to spy ANGEL DUST standing on the edge of the deck above. (CONTINUED) 98. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 64 CONTINUED: 64 ANGEL DUST (CONT'D) They're mine. Angel Dust LEAPS outward, falls like a stone, HITS the ground with a THUNDEROUS impact. The dust clears. She strides over the broken ground, smiling, READY for a scrap. DEADPOOL Long term, that's hard on your knees. (ALT:) Super-hero landing! Clearly you're far too much dude for me. Which is why... (points) ...I brought him. COLOSSUS steps forward into Angel Dust's path holding a pair of Adamantium HANDCUFFS just like he used on Deadpool. COLOSSUS I'd prefer not to hit a woman. So please place your hands behind your- BOOM! Without stopping Angel Dust throws a RIGHT HOOK from her HEELS. The punch CONNECTS with COLOSSUS's JAW. He goes flying, SCRAPING SPARKS ACROSS CONCRETE. DEADPOOL (sighs, points) I also brought her. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD steps forward on Deadpool's right. NTW chews her gum. Once. Twice. Then runs TOWARD Angel Dust, LOWERS her SHOULDER, and EXPLODES UP toward her with a WICKEDLY THUNDEROUS BANG of ENERGY and SOUND. Yes, Negasonic Teenage Warhead is exactly that - a living, breathing WARHEAD - like her own personal CANNONBALL. It's Angel Dust's turn to go flying backward, smashing into - and completely trashing - a heavy metal shipping container. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I feel sorry for the guy who tries to pressure her into prom sex. Angel Dust regains her feet, smiles dangerously at the Mercs. ANGEL DUST Never mind. Fire. (CONTINUED) 99. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 64 CONTINUED: (2) 64 Deadpool is already moving as the Mercs OPEN FIRE, full-auto. Deadpool grabs the still-woozy NTW and runs to the nearby cover of metal scrap, keeping between her and the gunfire. Colossus, now back on his feet, strides purposely forward. Bullets ping harmlessly off his metal skin. Angel Dust charges forward, snarling. DEADPOOL (shouts) Finish fucking her the fuck up. Colossus stops, annoyed. COLOSSUS Language. Please. Then Angel Dust SMASHES into him. The two collide with earth- shaking force. The sheer power of Angel Dust's momentum slams them backwards into-and through-a huge pile of scrap. 65 INT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY 65 AJAX pulls VANESSA forward to the edge of the carrier deck, forces her gaze downward toward the WAR ZONE below. AJAX How does it feel? Ex-boyfriend abandons you, becomes a sanity-challenged killer mutant in tights... VANESSA Says the sanity-challenged killer mutant in parachute pants. P.S. I've never played the role of damsel in distress. AJAX `Til now. Ajax yanks Vanessa away from the edge again. 66 EXT. SCRAPYARD - CONTINUOUS 66 Every MERC is pouring fire towards Deadpool's position. He hunkers down with NTW, her hands clamped tight over her ears. Deadpool unzips a zipper, reaches into his suit at the crotch, YANKS. Grimaces. We hear fabric tear. He pulls his hand out, waves a pair of torn TIGHTIE-WHITIES up from behind cover. (CONTINUED) 100. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 66 CONTINUED: 66 DEADPOOL Hey, fellas, whoa! Hold on! Don'tcha wanna hear my terms?! The mercs spot the white `flag.' Fire slackens from full- auto to a few pot-shots. Finally, Deadpool pops up. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) You guys only work for that shit-spackled Muppet fart! So I'm gonna give y'all the chance to lay down your firearms in return for preferential - bordering on gentle - possibly even lover-like treatment. The Mercs ignore him, opening fire AGAIN with a vengeance. Deadpool ducks and drops his tightie-whities. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Fine. Commando. (to NTW) Stay down, kid. Unless your power's stopping bullets. Deadpool SURGES forward, dives from cover, rolls. He comes up boot knife out, arm whipping forward- The nearest merc's head snaps back as the knife buries itself to the hilt in his eye socket. Deadpool sprints forward, zig-zagging, leaping, spinning as he closes the distance to the mercs. He's moving too fast for their guns to track. Bullets chew up the ground behind. Deadpool reaches the first pile of twisted metal, slides under, comes up behind two mercs taking shelter there. The first man turns, gun barrel swinging `round. Deadpool ducks, sweeps his legs, grabs his gun as he goes down. Deadpool rolls over him, firing BACKWARD into the man's face while spinning up to smash his boot into the face of the second merc. He slides past, firing a burst backward into the merc's neck as he falls. Seconds later he's leaping OVER the heads of the next pair of mercs. They turn to fire up at him - too slow. He fires short, controlled bursts down into their upturned faces. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Deadpool lands, tosses the empty smoking gun. Then slowly, lovingly, unsheathes his Katanas. (CONTINUED) 101. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 66 CONTINUED: (2) 66 Deadpool is running forward now, weaving his way through the wreckage. Hunting. 67 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 67 COLOSSUS and ANGEL DUST engage in a BATTLE ROYALE. Colossus grabs Angel Dust by the SCRUFF of her NECK and HURLS her into an ABANDONED AIRCRAFT. CRUNCH. Angel Dust is on one knee, shaken, disheveled, one BREAST hanging out of her torn flak jacket. The prim Colossus covers his eyes. COLOSSUS Uh... you seem to have, um... Angel Dust smiles, tucks the wayward boob back in, then BLASTS Colossus with a FLYING KNEE that generates SHOCK WAVES so powerful, Colossus' CHROME actually RIPPLES. Colossus growls and CHARGES AGAIN. CUT TO: DEADPOOL spins around a corner as another pair of MERCS move forward, guns raised. Deadpool dives under their fire, guts them in blurred flash of steel. THRUST! SLICE! IMPALE! COMPLETE MAYHEM. Another trio of mercs rush around the corner, opening fire as they see their comrades fall. DEADPOOL runs toward them, flips and dodges like a whirling dervish, bringing GUARDS down in surgical, artistic fashion, as if where he's killing them means as much to him as how. Two men converge on Deadpool. He JUMPS. Mid-air, he flips his TWO KATANAS, GRIPS them upside-down like ICE PICKS, and STABS down in an arc to either side, SKEWERING two men through the TOPS of their HELMETS. A final merc comes around the corner and Deadpool spins, slices the strap of his gun, kicks the man in the chest, knocking him flat on his back and sitting on his face. DEADPOOL Tea-bag! (notices man under him) Bob?! BOB Wade?! (CONTINUED) 102. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 67 CONTINUED: 67 DEADPOOL It's been since... Jacksonville! BOB TGIFridays. DEADPOOL Liked the Loaded Potato Skins. Didn't like you. BOB Ditto. Deadpool rises and pulls Bob to his feet. Bob tries to draw a pistol but DP slaps it out of his hand, sends it skittering away. DEADPOOL Bob, y'mind taking a half-step right? No, your right. Never mind- Deadpool KNOCKS Bob OUT with the sword's GRIP, then NUDGES him sideways gently as he falls. At last, SILENCE. Deadpool steps forward. Then looks up toward the carrier above, waves. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Yoo-hoo! From above, AJAX peers down sees that Deadpool has killed his henchmen in such precise positions that their fallen bodies spell out: FRANCIS. Deadpool moves forward. LIMPING. CHARRED. TATTERED. But unbowed. AJAX That never gets old. But neither will you. Right on cue... ...three more Mercs appear to either side of Ajax, armed with HEAVY MACHINE GUNS - much NASTIER than any we've yet seen. BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM! The guards OPEN FIRE, and a BARRAGE of bullets rain down on the scrapyard, chewing up the landscape around Deadpool. (CONTINUED) 103. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 67 CONTINUED: (2) 67 Deadpool SPRINTS back toward cover, weaving, leaping, zig- zagging to avoid being hit. He dives behind some wreckage as more gunfire pings off the metal. DEADPOOL, pokes his head up, drawing a withering barrage of fire from the mercs above. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.) Hey! ANGLE ON: NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD, also taking cover, crouched under a broken PLANE WING. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT'D) Climb on. Deadpool nods, then sprints toward her, springs high, flips, and lands on his back, spread eagled on the wing. DEADPOOL Light the candle... NTW nonchalantly SPITS out her GUM, crouches, and... EXPLODES UPWARD. The wing LAUNCHES up in a shallow PARABOLA, Deadpool CLINGING for dear life on TOP. 68 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 68 Four MERCS continue firing down as the wing soars up. The WING SMASHES into them. All four go FLYING. Two end up DEAD under the wing. AJAX is thrown backward. One MERC lands, stunned, close to the edge. A LONG BEAT. AJAX rises to his feet. Then DEADPOOL pulls himself UP over the edge of the carrier and ROLLS onto the deck. He looks like he's been through a meat grinder - limping, scorched, bloody. Deadpool staggers to his feet. The last injured MERC lamely tries to GRAB his ANKLE. DEADPOOL Your plan to trip me to death? Has failed. Deadpool nonchalantly STABS him through the back of the neck like a butterfly on a display, then turns to face Ajax. (CONTINUED) 104. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 68 CONTINUED: 68 Twenty meters away, AJAX leans casually against... what else? THE PUNCH-BOWL. VANESSA is STRAPPED inside, lid open. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) You were right, babe. (wipes blood off sword) Red is my color. VANESSA Wade? AJAX (taps glass) What better way to climb back in your head... DEADPOOL You never left. VANESSA (to Deadpool) But you did, asshole. AJAX You two have a lot to work out. Take a deep breath. Wait. Wrong choice... Ajax quickly CLOSES the LID and hits a SWITCH. Vanessa starts taking short, desperate GASPS. AJAX (CONT'D) ...of words. DEADPOOL I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. `Cause I'm'a go looking. Ajax squats down and picks up TWO STEEL-HAFTED FIRE-FIGHTING AXES, each with an ULTRA-SHARP BLADE on one side of its head and an EQUALLY SHARP CLAW on the other. Deadpool raises a KATANA and HURLS it NOT at Ajax, but the PUNCH-BOWL. The blade PENETRATES the PLEXI and tears into the RESTRAINT holding Vanessa's RIGHT WRIST, partly FRAYING it. AIR seeps through the CRACK. Vanessa catches a tiny BREATH. She TUGS on the frayed RESTRAINT. AJAX I hear you grow back parts. When I get done... parts will have to grow back you. DEADPOOL Good one. (CONTINUED) 105. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 68 CONTINUED: (2) 68 A big BOOMING sound from below and then the deck of the carrier shakes as if from a mild earthquake. Ajax and Deadpool look at each other. Shrug. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Let's dance. (beat) And by dance I mean try to kill each other. 69 EXT. SCRAPYARD - CONTINUOUS 69 BAM! Below, COLOSSUS delivers a HAYMAKER from hell itself. Angel Dust FALLS, then RISES, RIPS OFF the WING of a PLANE, and BLASTS Colossus with it... first like a BASEBALL BAT, then like a GOLF CLUB, then like a COUNTY FAIR MALLETS you use to try to ring a bell. CLANG! A battered NTW RACES toward Angel Dust. Angel Dust swings the wing, but NTW BASEBALL SLIDES UNDER it and EXPLODES up into her chin. Angel Dust is lifted off her feet into the side of the carrier, BUCKLING some of its supports. NTW rolls aside. 70 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 70 And now, we get what we've been long been waiting for: THE FINAL CLOSE QUARTERS BATTLE between DEADPOOL AND AJAX. AXES vs. KATANA, TEN STORIES UP... AJAX TAKES a MIGHTY, ROARING SWING with an AXE. DEADPOOL Yowww! STEEL SINGS as AXE and KATANA meet again and again. THRUSTS. PARRIES. SPARKS FLY! THUNK! Deadpool's BLADE passes through Ajax's THIGH and pins him to a piece of wreckage. CRACK! Ajax tags Deadpool's head with the FLAT of an axe. SNAP! Ajax BREAKS the sword's blade with an AXE, not feeling anything as he slides his leg off the sword. GASP! VANESSA grits her teeth, pulls against the restraints. The thick nylon begins to tear as she saws it against the katana blade. (CONTINUED) 106. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 70 CONTINUED: 70 CLANG! AJAX wields both axes in a red blur of painted steel. Deadpool snatches up a piece of rusted RAILING from the deck, barely blocks Ajax's windmilling swings. Finally, Ajax smashes the length of rusty metal from Deadpool's hands with one axe, while the sharp CLAW END of the other buries itself in Deadpool's FOREARM. Deadpool hollers. Deadpool's red suit has torn away, and the SKULL of his TATTOO bleeds from a HOLE in its FOREHEAD. Deadpool GRITS his TEETH and YANKS the AXE from Ajax's grasp. A spinning KICK sends the second axe flying after the first. Now they're completely unarmed. AJAX Fine. Fists. DEADPOOL Sounds like your last Saturday night. (smiles) The sense of humor survived. AJAX and DEADPOOL TRADE VICIOUS PUNCHES. It's HAGLER vs. HEARNS! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Inspired, VANESSA strains against the torn nylon. RRRRIPPP! Her right wrist TEARS FREE. She uses her freed hand to start unlatching her other restraints. DEADPOOL throws short, blinding PUNCHES - rat-a-tat-tat - into AJAX's jaw. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Since you can't feel it? (holds up an INCISOR) I just knocked out your tooth. AJAX snarls, drives a SHOULDER into Deadpool, then MOUNTS him and BLUDGEONS his face with HAMMER-LIKE FISTS. DEADPOOL is starting to LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS when he turns his head to one side and spies the PUNCH-BOWL. We RACK FOCUS to VANESSA locking eyes with him from inside. Hers is an inspired... and INSPIRING look of LOVE. We hear a REPRISE of JOHN DENVER's `I WANT TO LIVE.' (CONTINUED) 107. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 70 CONTINUED: (2) 70 VANESSA pushes against the sealed door of the punchbowl with all her might. With a squeal of metal the latch breaks, the twisted metal flying off the lid as it slams open. Vanessa grabs the KATANA, jerks it free with another mighty effort. Then slides down the containers toward AJAX. With a fierce scream, she PLUNGES the blade into his KIDNEY. The blade punches through the other side but Ajax feels no pain, YANKS out the katana, and THROWS Vanessa aside violently. But it's all the opportunity Deadpool needs. He SURGES with energy and throws an THUNDEROUS UPPERCUT, BLASTING Ajax off. JOHN DENVER I want to liiiiiive! 71 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 71 Below: WHOOSH, BAM! Angel Dust ducks an exhausted Colossus's punch and KICKS him THROUGH another STEEL SUPPORT. Colossus COLLAPSES. The carrier GROANS. Angel Dust moves in for the KILL. Only out of nowhere... ...NTW strikes her in the chops and EXPLODES, sending the larger woman SMASHING into concrete with UNPRECEDENTED FORCE. Now it's Angel Dust's turn to be broken, smoking, seemingly down for the count. NTW approaches carefully to make certain it's all over... ...but Angel Dust shoots out an arm and GRABS her... DRAGS her in CLOSE... makes to SMASH her head like a walnut. ANGEL DUST C'mere, ya little bitch. NTW fights back valiantly, PUNCHING fast and hard with FLURRIES of ENERGY. Angel Dust is scorched and battered by the blows, but her adrenaline and rage SURGE. She grabs NTW around the neck, plants her into the ground... ...and begins to CHOKE the life out of her. NTW flails, cannot break Angel Dust's grip... ...but marshals her last remaining energy to live up to her name... ...and EXPLODE like an ALMIGHTY WARHEAD. BOOM! CUT WIDE to a GARGANTUAN EXPLOSION. (CONTINUED) 108. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 71 CONTINUED: 71 The ship SHAKES VIOLENTLY, then starts to LIST at a DANGEROUS ANGLE. 72 EXT. FLIGHT DECK / CONTINUOUS 72 DEADPOOL and AJAX are trading BLOWS again when the DECK SWAYS as if hit by a 9.0 EARTHQUAKE. Then with a thunderous, shuddering, groaning of metal the whole carrier begins to tilt. Loose wreckage begins to slide and tumble past. A shipping container barrels towards them and Deadpool kicks Ajax backwards, right into its path. SLAM! It plows into him and carries him with it as it disappears over the side. Deadpool scrambles and claws up the tilting floor and grabs hold of Vanessa. Deadpool looks around frantically... ...and then spies the PUNCH-BOWL, sliding toward them. Deadpool grabs the side as it slides past and throws VANESSA inside and SHUTS the LID for protection... They slam into the twisted metal railings at the bottom of the deck and hang there. Deadpool swings by one hand and stares at the scrapyard below. Huge chunks of metal slide and smash past to tumble to the ground a hundred feet below. Vanessa hangs onto Deadpool for dear life, her eyes locked on his... VANESSA If we survive this. I'm gonna kill you. DEADPOOL We have so much to catch up on. ...as the CARRIER topples in an AVALANCHE of STEEL! An EPIC collapse of SHRIEKING METAL. Flying glass. Nearly seismic booms. A mushroom CLOUD of thick, black destruction. FADE TO BLACK. 73 EXT. SCRAPYARD - RUBBLE PILE - DAY 73 Black. A crack of light appears, dust sifting down through the beam. (CONTINUED) 109. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: 73 More light, more dust and debris pattering down onto-some kind of scratched glass in front of the lens. Finally a hole of bright sky fills the frame. CUT TO: COLOSSUS vigorously TOSSING aside MASSIVE SLABS of STEEL as he digs through the wreckage, uncovering the PUNCH-BOWL, damaged, but intact. The LID CREAKS OPEN - pushed by Vanessa's TREMBLING HAND. Vanessa climbs out dazed, dusty, coughing. COLOSSUS You're OK. Take it slow. Elsewhere in the rubble pile DEADPOOL's HEAD POPS UP from some DEBRIS, again, like the Caddyshack gopher. DEADPOOL I'm good. Deadpool is just staggering to his feet when AJAX emerges from under another BEAM and TACKLES him. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) ¡Caramba! (subtitled, in YELLOW:) For heaven's sake! The impact sends them both flying, rolling, over the edge of a metal container. They fall locked together, punching and grappling. They bounce/slide down the pile of rubble. Deadpool gets the better of the grappling and lands on AJAX's CHEST. He goes to TOWN with vicious FOREARMS and ELBOWS. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Wham! Wham! Wham! BAM! BAM! BAM. Bam. You can feel Deadpool's adrenalized catharsis. Ajax tries to block-CRACK! Deadpool shatters his elbow. Ajax other fist swings round, tags Deadpool, but he catches it, wraps it tight-SNAP! Ajax finally goes limp, both arms bent in horribly wrong directions. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (thrilled/exhausted) There are no words. (CONTINUED) 110. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (2) 73 Deadpool pulls out BLIND AL's SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL and AIMS it right BETWEEN AJAX's EYES. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Me and you are headed to fix this face. Or else... Deadpool places a piece of paper onto Ajax's chest. Ajax shakes off the cobwebs and examines the paper; it's Deadpool's CRAYON DRAWING of Ajax getting his brains blown out. Ajax actually LAUGHS. AJAX Sorry. It's just. All this time, you bought that I have the cure? I'm flattered. But do I really look like the scientist type? You want the guy behind the guy. His name's Dr. Killebrew. And he's long gone. Who knows where. DEADPOOL Um. What? AJAX You heard me. DEADPOOL You mean to say, after five long years, I've been chasing the wrong monkey? AJAX Sounds even stupider when you say it. DEADPOOL Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? (chambers a round) Any last words? Good. I got one: (pulls back the hammer) Francis. COLOSSUS (O.S.) Wade! Deadpool turns to see Colossus, hands on hips, looking extra HEROIC. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD is STANDING at his SIDE. COLOSSUS (CONT'D) Four or five moments. (CONTINUED) 111. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (3) 73 DEADPOOL I'm sorry? COLOSSUS Four or five moments. That's all it takes... DEADPOOL To...? COLOSSUS Be a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice. Conquer a flaw. Save a friend. Spare an enemy. Deadpool continues to hold the pistol to Ajax's head. COLOSSUS (CONT'D) In those moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we see oursel- BOOM! OFF-SCREEN, A GUNSHOT. COLOSSUS (CONT'D) (dry-heaves again) Huuugglh! Why! REVERSE ANGLE to Deadpool, who's just shot AJAX in the head with Blind Al's SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL. DEADPOOL You were droning on! (shrugs) I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread, but at least we've heard the last of him. If wearing super-hero tights means sparing psychopaths, maybe I wasn't meant to wear `em. Not everyone monitors a hall like you. COLOSSUS Just promise- DEADPOOL I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 112. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (4) 73 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (peers between Colossus and NTW) Now if you'll excuse me. I'm just a boy... about to stand in front of a girl... and tell her- what the fuck am I gonna tell her?! CUT TO: Deadpool's P.O.V. BETWEEN Colossus and NTW of VANESSA, who's now walking quickly TOWARD him. She brushes between the two X-men and without saying a word, GRABS the fallen PISTOL and PUMPS TWO EXTRA BULLETS into Ajax's corpse. VANESSA (bang) Gratuitous. (bang) Worth it. DEADPOOL (to camera) Anyone else turned on? (to Vanessa) That's what I love about y- Vanessa promptly PUNCHES Deadpool in the face. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) I totally deserved that! (gets punched again) That too! (wards off knee) Maybe not the nethers. Vanessa restrains herself, then TURNS HER BACK, overcome. VANESSA Start talking. DEADPOOL I'm so sorry. For leaving. And taking so long to cowboy up. It's been a rough few years. VANESSA (snorts, dismissive) Rough? DEADPOOL I live in a crack house. With a family of twelve. At night, we spoon for warmth. Everyone fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 113. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (5) 73 DEADPOOL (CONT'D) There's nothing we don't share. Floor space. Dental floss. Condoms. VANESSA So you live in a house! (turns to face him) DEADPOOL I woulda found you before now. But the guy behind this mask isn't the same guy you remember. VANESSA You mean this mask? Deadpool FLINCHES but doesn't STOP Vanessa from slowly, gently taking OFF his mask, revealing underneath... HUGH JACKMAN's `SEXIEST MAN ALIVE' People MAGAZINE COVER. Blood at the pierce points. Mouth/eyes cut out to make a `mask.' DEADPOOL And this one. In case the other fell off. VANESSA You mean like this? Vanessa starts PULLING OUT staples. DEADPOOL Oo. Ah. Quicker - like a Bandaid! Owww- di 5000. One last staple remains. Vanessa hesitates. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Sure? VANESSA Sure I'm sure. She PULLS it out. The photo FALLS, revealing DEADPOOL's SCARS. And two vulnerable, misty eyes. A beat. VANESSA (CONT'D) Ew. DEADPOOL (devastated) I understand. (CONTINUED) 114. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (6) 73 VANESSA (smiles) Kidding! Get over yourself! I'd hit that shit. DEADPOOL You already did. (rubs chin) Twice. Seriously? VANESSA (nods) After a brief adjustment period and one or two drinks. (smiles) It's a face... I'd be happy to sit on. Vanessa hooks Deadpool's PINKIE with HERS, PULLS him in to kiss him. DEADPOOL I'm also not the same under these pants. (whispers) Super-penis. Deadpool and Vanessa are ABOUT to kiss when... NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.) 1975 called. Deadpool realizes COLOSSUS and NTW are still standing WATCHING. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT'D) It wants its peep show back. DEADPOOL Gah! What the hell are you two still doing here?! (to Colossus) You, go clean some chalk-board erasers, or be a... really Big Brother, or teach fat kids to eat lettuce. (to NTW) And you, Chicken Noodle. Well... (freezes) I feel something stupid coming on. (bounces) Gaaaaaaahhhhhh! (CONTINUED) 115. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 73 CONTINUED: (7) 73 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD It's alright. (beat, tiniest of smiles) You're cool. DEADPOOL (STARES, elated) I am?! Omigod. That. Was. Not. Mean! Seriously, guys, it was a pleasure. For a second there, we felt like... like... (we expect `family') ...five mini lion robots forming a large super robot. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD There's the stupid. DEADPOOL Now, I meant it, both of you, fire up the Blackbird and shoo! Scram! Vamoose! Skedaddle! Don't make me keep thinking of these! They smile, shake their heads, and walk off. Deadpool turns back to Vanessa. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) Where were we, darlin'? Oh, riiight. The best part. Deadpool KISSES Vanessa. The little kiss become a BIGGER ONE. Then... fading up from nowhere, with a slightly tinny quality... we hear WHAM!'s `CARELESS WHISPER.' Vanessa pulls back, puzzled. Deadpool raises his ANDROID. On the cracked and dirty screen, George's and Andrew's FACES beam from Wham!'s `MAKE IT BIG' album cover. DEADPOOL (CONT'D) `Wham!' As promised. The two share the longest kiss yet. DEADPOOL (V.O.) See, life can smell like Daffodil Daydream. So if you're sitting out there in your own personal Punch-Bowl. Ms. Mama June on your tongue. Find someone to hold... and someone to hold on to you. Life's next little train wreck... 116. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 74 INT. NEW WORKSHOP - DAY 74 DEADPOOL (V.O.) ..will be so much easier if you do. We find ourselves in a newer, spiffier version of the WORKSHOP, where a LAB TECHNICIAN is strapping down a new sickly VOLUNTEER/VICTIM. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Which brings us to shittiest moment number 1! The guy behind the guy, Dr. Killebrew, off scot-free. A SILHOUETTED FIGURE approaches the bed of the nervous volunteer, who smiles weakly. VOLUNTEER Can you make me better? REVERSE ANGLE to reveal whom he's talking to: the PUDGY, KINDLY-LOOKING DOCTOR WHO STROKED WADE'S HEAD IN THE WORKSHOP. He smiles, pats the volunteer's wrist. DR. KILLEBREW Better than better. DEADPOOL (V.O.) But let's look on the bright side. (sniffs) You smell what I smell? I mean besides stale popcorn and my post-fight man-funk? Dr. Killebrew holds up a syringe with a glint in his eye. DEADPOOL (V.O.) Sequel. Maybe even one of those ensemble team movies... 75 EXT. SCRAPYARD - RUBBLE PILE - DAY 75 DEADPOOL and Vanessa MAKE OUT LIKE CRAZY, LONG AND HARD. We slowly PULL BACK until they look SMALL against the toppled hulk of the COMBAT CARRIER. DEADPOOL (V.O.) So, `til next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy saying... I'm never gonna dance again... the way I danced with you. WHAM BELTS OUT `CARELESS WHISPER' as we ROLL CREDITS. 117. Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 V76 INT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY - POST CREDIT SEQUENCE V76 A hallway of a suburban home. DEADPOOL enters in a maroon and gray striped robe. DEADPOOL (short version) You're still here? It's over! Go home. Wait... you expected a tease for Deadpool 2?! Sorry, we're low on dough. But if you can keep a secret, I can tell you who's gonna be in it. Cable! Someone suggested Mel Gibson for the role, buuuut- I was thinking Liam Neeson. Only problem, Liam likes to get paid. And more for Liam means less for me. Maybe we'll crowdfund the shit. Just you and me, kids. Shalom! DEADPOOL (CONT'D) (long version) You're still here? It's over! Go home. Wait... you expected a tease for Deadpool 2?! Maybe a little Samuel L. Jackson? Sorry, that budget went to Weasel's Ketamine habit. But if you can keep a secret, I can tell you who's gonna be in it. Cable! You're allowed to show your pleasure. I'd love Liam Neeson for the role, but Liam likes to get paid. And more for Liam means less for me. So we'd best crowdfund the shit. Depending on your level of giving, you could receive a Colossus-brand desktop steel-ball clacker, a Dwayne `The Rock' Johnson real doll, or four minutes alone in a room with Charlie Sheen. Donate now! And shalom! SMASH CUT TO BLACK: DEADPOOL (O.S.) (CONT'D) (a la Ferris) Boom, boom, chicka chickah...

DEAR WHITE PEOPLE Written by Justin Simien REVISED: August 21st, 2013 1 NEWS BROADCAST - VARIOUS SCREENS, VARIOUS PLACES 1 ANCHOR A "race war" has erupted at one of the nation's oldest and most prestigious institutions. Glued to this are our story's subjects, who we meet in... 2 A SERIES OF SHOTS 2 TROY FAIRBANKS, 21, Black. He drags a brush through his finger waves anxiously. The look of guilt is the only mark of imperfection in his privileged and chiseled demeanor. ANCHOR (O.S.) Outrage over an "African American Themed" party organized by predominately white students of Manchester University has resulted in rioting and property damages. 2A KURT FLETCHER, 21, white. No sympathy in his jaded blue 2A eyes as he watches on an iPad in a lavish parlor room. ANCHOR (O.S.) (CONT'D) Guests were invited to "liberate their inner Negro, fry up chicken, enjoy a sugar water concoction known as Purple drank and wear oversized Barack Obama T-shirts." 2B COLANDREA CONNERS (COCO), 20, Black with blue contacts 2B adjusts the straight bangs of her weave to better see the small TV in her dorm. A smirk on her glossy pink lips. * ANCHOR (CONT'D) Officials claim an investigation is underway to find those responsible for the event and subsequent riot. 2C SAMANTHA WHITE (SAM) 21, records the broadcast in an 2C edit bay. Despite her light skin, the Afro pick in her fro pompadour leaves little doubt she identifies as Black. ANCHOR (CONT'D) In an effort to address diversity issues, the school appointed African American scholar Dr. Walter Fairbanks as Dean of Students. 2D LIONEL HIGGINS, 20, Black, watches through dark rimmed 2D glasses in a bustling indifferent Dining Hall. A guilt pains his otherwise boyish face. 2. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Last year the Dean's office celebrated slight gains in diverse applicants but with many now calling for Fairbanks' resignation, that may have been pre-mature. 2E DEAN WALTER FAIRBANKS, a well adorned Black man in his 2E 50's fights a panic as he watches in a stately office. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Up next, a cat that loves to water ski? That and more after the break. DEAN FAIRBANKS How could this happen? TITLE CARD: FIVE WEEKS AGO 3 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 3 This sprawling impressive mix of Colonial, Gothic and Modern architecture is presented like a living brochure. SUPERIMPOSE: MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - "NOSCE TE IPSUM" As we cut through the living brochure, we're presented with groups and programs. Their CRESTS and titles SUPERIMPOSED. SERIES OF SHOTS - TOP ACADEMIC PROGRAMS 3A White kids with "Trump" blazers and glares - DESMOND 3A SCHOOL OF BUSINESS. 3B Kids with dark eye circles and unkempt hair stand before 3B the BING SCHOOL OF HISTORY. 3C A cluster of skinny jeans and expressive hands before the 3C GOODMAN MEDIA SCHOOL. ONE BLACK KID stands in the back. SAM (V.O.) Dear White People. The minimum requirement of Black friends needed to not seem racist has just been raised to two. 4 INT. STUDIO BOOTH - DAY 4 Samantha White (Sam) watches the campus through a one way window with the cool but knowing gaze of someone much older. She gets off on sensing and pushing buttons - with a subversive delivery style that boarders on deadpan. SUPERIMPOSE: SAMANTHA WHITE, SENIOR, VISUAL AND NEW MEDIA 3. SAM (CONT'D) Sorry, but your weed man Tyrone does not count. She fades in JAZZ on her control board and leans back to address a box of pamphlet sized books bearing the title "EBONY AND IVY: A SURVIVAL GUIDE." One by one she scribbles her autograph on the books. 5 EXT. ELLINGTON LIBRARY - DAY 5 SERIES OF SHOTS - NATIONALLY RENOWNED STUDENT GROUPS Disheveled caffeinated writers of the MANCHESTER BUGLE. 5A Casual Prepsters shoot us the finger - PASTICHE HUMOR INC. 5A 5B Hopping out of a taxi is Lionel Higgins. His sweet but 5B insecure nature as plain as the unkempt fro on his head. SUPERIMPOSE: LIONEL HIGGINS, JUNIOR, PHILOSOPHY UNDECLARED STUDENTS shove past him - one even slaps a flyer into his already full hands. Lionel's a guppy. The kind that gets eaten alive in a tank of sharks. As Lionel gets to the door of a large Colonial style home he checks his pockets. He's missing something. Shit. LIONEL (knocking) Kurt! You home? Lionel dials on his cell and we hear the PHONE RING from inside. Voicemail pops on with a voice other than Lionel's. ANSWERING MACHINE Hey boyssss, you've reached Lionel Higginsss, the only bitch on campussss who'll give you a dickssscount. That's right hunty, the bigger the dick the less you'll have to pay me to ssssuck it. The beep sounds. Lionel's in shock. Should he hang up? Or... LIONEL Kurt. It's Lionel. I'm locked out. As Lionel slides down the length of the door into a sit he unfolds the flyer he was just handed. It's a rendering of Sam White on a carton of milk with the caption: "MISSING BLACK CULTURE - SAM WHITE TO BRING IT BLACK" 4. 6 EXT. MANCHESTER ROW - DAY 6 Signs scream out "ORIENTATION" as jazz music wafts from the laptops of a group of NEO BEATNIKS. As the music fades... SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, apparently Morgan Freeman in "Deep Impact" wasn't enough. Despite two terms Obama could cure Cancer and somewhere White folks will be embroiled in protest. And he's only half Black. GABE, 24, white and ruggedly handsome in spite of his shaggy hair and "laundry day" flip flop clad ensemble, catches the end of this as he passes - grabs his cell phone and dials... 7 INT. STUDIO BOOTH - DAY 7 ...Sam presses a button next to a red light on her controls. SAM Talk to me. INTERCUT with Gabe walking about on campus. GABE What would you say if someone started a Dear Black People? SAM (recognizing the voice) No need. Mass media from Fox News to reality tv on VH1 makes it clear what white people think of us. 8 EXT. MANCHESTER COURT - DAY 8 SERIES OF SHOTS - POPULAR RESIDENCE HALLS Manchester's white and rich elite before BECHET HOUSE. 8A Athletes of many disciplines before WEBSTER HOUSE. 8A 8B An eclectic group of Black students with some Latinos and 8B a sprinkling of whites before ARMSTRONG / PARKER HOUSE. COCO (V.O.) I'm fucking pissed... 5. 11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 11 Colandrea Conners (Coco) trains her unnaturally blue eyes right at us from a Youtube page pulled up on an iPad. She's got an entitled air about her. Even her cusses sound erudite. COCO (YOUTUBE) ...I am! The whole point of randomized housing is to mix shit up. I'm out here trying to find the Olivier to my Halle Berry, and they've got me looking like an extra on a Different World... The video ends with a click. Looking up is HELMUT WEST, a 30's something Black man in dark rimmed glasses and trendy everything. Too stylish for this place. If he's impressed, it's barely perceptible. HELMUT You call your Youtube show "Doing Time at an Ivy League?" He stares right at Coco, there in the flesh. COCO In my second year of a four year sentence. Wanted to go to New York. SUPERIMPOSE: COLANDREA COCO CONNERS, SOPHOMORE, ECONOMICS HELMUT Yeah? And do what? COCO Things my mama taught me not to. You know get in a lot of trouble and become famous for it. But alas I didn't get into Tisch... HELMUT Armstrong / Parker? That your rooming assignment? COCO Traditionally it's where the hopelessly Afrocentric gather to process their guilt over not going to an HBCU. (off Helmut's look) Where the Negros be at. HELMUT That's not where you want to be? 6. COCO Bechet House is more my style. HELMUT With the rich white kids. COCO Excuse me? HELMUT What part of Chicago you from? COCO Hyde Park. HELMUT What street? COCO Seventy Eighth and -- HELMUT -- Seventy Eighth is Southside sweetheart. And you know what they say. You can take the girl out the hood but -- COCO -- Ain't nothing hood about me. HELMUT Thanks so much for coming in. Coco gets up to leave. Tries to recover. COCO So what's this show about anyway? HELMUT Here's the way reality works sweetheart, I'm the producer. I ask the questions. Be in touch. And with that Helmut hustles Coco out. He sits and ponders before unmuting his iPad. SAM (O.S.) Dear White People I am here to burst your post-racial little bubble. (MORE) 7. SAM (O.S.) (CONT'D) Yes Oprah may have her own network, but Ann Coulter is still writing best sellers, Black kids are still getting shot for wearing hoodies, and even here the few vestiges of Black culture are under attack by conservative groups, trustees and yes our very own President Fletcher. Helmut double checks his app fighting a genuine grin. HELMUT This is the school radio? 13 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER HALL - DAY 13 A pristine pair of Retro Jordans make their way through the halls of Armstrong / Parker where Black students have lively debates, flirt and bump the student radio. SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, thanks to the new process of randomizing housing assignments for Sophomores, some of you may be jarred by an assignment to Armstrong/Parker house. The owner of the Jordans is revealed as Troy Fairbanks. TROY Someone turn that trash off. SUPERIMPOSE: TROY FAIRBANKS, SENIOR, POLITICAL SCIENCE Even with his post workout sweat he looks like the cover of Jet. Troy exudes "approachable homie" as he spots a small group of WHITE SOPHOMORES who walk timidly down the hall. TROY (CONT'D) Newbies right? The white sophomores nod their heads yes. TROY (CONT'D) Welcome to Armstrong / Parker, home of the dopest dining hall in all of Manchester. I'm Troy, Head of House. SOPHOMORE What's up my brother? 8. SAM (O.S.) When encountering a Black person try and stay calm. Don't say things like "what's up" and "my brotha" That's not how you normally talk. TROY Ya'll take care. Nice Jordan's bro. Coco and SOFIA FLETCHER, a dewy-eyed, pink lipped brunette who exudes a kind of sexy boredom saunter down the halls. SOFIA Your hair is so cute B. T. Dubs. COCO You're so cute. SOFIA Is it weaved? Coco's face is a battle between fury and polite surprise. SOFIA (CONT'D) I saw "Good Hair" in Afro studies. COCO (moving on) Hey what house did you get? SOFIA Huh? Oh Bechet bitch. COCO Of course. The mere thought of a Fletcher anywhere else... SOFIA Easy, it was the luck of the draw. Daddy had nothing to do with it. Coco rolls her eyes behind a smile. SOFIA (CONT'D) And honestly, if I had to pick anywhere to be it'd be here. Sofia eyes the delicious morsels of chocolate boys about. COCO I'm down to switch if you are. You get your Denzel. I get my Gosling. 9. SOFIA Oh I got mines. Want to meet him? They turn the corner to spot Troy greeting more new Sophomores. Coco's caught off guard by his looks. COCO Cute... (off Sofia's jealous glance) ...for a Black boy. Troy sees Sofia and flashes his trademark grin. They kiss. SOFIA Hey boo. This is my friend Coco. She's new to the house. TROY Hey I'm Troy. Welcome to Armstrong / Parker, home of the dopest -- SOFIA -- Are we on duty? TROY Head of House is always on duty. COCO Nice to meet you. I should get settled. Thanks Sof! Sofia and Troy smile as Coco turns to go - and continue down the hallway. Coco sneaks one last glance at Troy's ass. TROY Think I got time for a quick cut? SOFIA You got it cut last week. TROY It's a Black thing babe. SOFIA Since when is OCD a Black thang? TROY Don't say "thang" like that. SOFIA Besides you've got a shift at the Politicos booth, then a shift at Orientation, then your advisor -- 10. TROY -- I'll just wear a hat. SOFIA Then a movie maybe? Just us? TROY Election night. Babe, come on. Sofia holds her tongue. Troy ignores this as he spots... TROY (CONT'D) Yo, Kurt my man. 14 DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 14 ...Kurt Fletcher - flanked by guys who share his cynical knowing glare. We recognize them from the "Pastiche" portrait from before. As they chow down on Mac & Cheese in the Dining Hall - Kurt's glare burns particularly hot towards Troy who waves at him. KURT Sis. Sofia smiles at her brother Kurt. Troy covers the sting of his dismissal. They both spot Sam's "Missing: Black culture" flyers. TROY Is she kidding with this? SOFIA You don't have to run again. Just because it's her doesn't mean -- TROY -- I can't let Sam and her wannabe Black Panthers take the House. The House needs me. This is who I am. SOFIA It's who he wants you to be. Troy smiles over his irritation. This is an old fight. TROY Oh so you pick up a Psych class you think you Freud or something? Huh? SOFIA A Freud reference. Sophisticated. 11. TROY (seducing) Fine Beck, Jung, Maslow... Troy gets a kiss out of her as they pass a booth featuring stacks of Sam's "EBONY & IVY." The booth is manned by REGGIE, 21, Black - his fro top and preppy punk attire is both bohemian and radical. Troy glares at Sam's picture on the book. It's on. There's a history between Sam and Troy. Off Reggie's laptop we hear... SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, this just in. Dating a Black person to piss off your parents is a form of racism. Sofia walks off as Troy hears snickers from around him. REGGIE Yo Troy I forget. Is your major in shucking or was it jiving? TROY My major's in Jive. Minoring in Shuck. You're still majoring in trying to fuck my left overs right? Troy walks off as Reggie and Kurt watch him join Sofia. SOFIA You need a shower. 15 INT. TROY'S BATHROOM - DAY 15 Water runs while Troy takes a hit of weed from a pipe over the toilet. He blows the smoke out an open window through a paper towel tube with a dryer sheet attached to its end. He jots something down on a notepad as he whispers... TROY You went from ODB to Trey Songz... 16 INT. ARMSTRONG/PARKER DINING HALL - NIGHT 16 The hall is packed with STUDENTS - stylish and mostly Black. Helmut West watches from the back. TROY Artie, you know your success ratio with the ladies went up like thirty percent after I started edging you up dog, come on. You went from ODB to Trey Songz! 12. The audience is in STITCHES at this last line. Everyone except Sam, Reggie and their crew of afro'd bohemian disciples (who we'll call the BOFROS). Sam records the proceedings with a vintage Super 8 camera. REGGIE That's his platform? Haircuts? SAM Oofta is as Oofta does. Coco, sneaks through the door. She's got the eyes of Helmut on her. What is he doing here? As Coco breaks eye contact she sits in the only open spot next to... SAM (CONT'D) Just because we're colored don't mean we run on colored people time. COCO Boycotting hot combs don't make you an expert on "colored people" boo. Coco wafts her silky hair over her shoulders and sits. TROY No but seriously, I care about you guys. I care about this house. We had a great year last year and if it ain't broke... Troy basks in his applause. Coco eats him up with her eyes. Sam doesn't want to get up - her breathing gets heavier. REGGIE Just pretend like you're in the booth. Just you and the mic. SAM Hate this shit. As Sam gets up and passes Troy -- TROY You really think you can take this from me? SAM Troy we live in a world where there's a Big Momma's House 3. I don't have a chance in hell. Thank God. 13. Sam grabs the mic. Her voice shakes before the silent crowd. SAM (CONT'D) Troy my brother, it's broke. The BoFros cheer and make noise on each line. SAM (CONT'D) Troy's a legacy kid. And yet it's under his watch that Armstrong / Parker, the bastion of Black culture here was gutted. By the Randomization of Housing Act. Second years of color no longer have a say in where they go. The culture that's been fostered in this house for two decades will be wiped out in two years. Troy looks to see if the speech is working. As Sam warms up -- SAM (CONT'D) This wasn't motivated by a desire to mix things up. Bring about racial and socioeconomic harmony. No, the Black kids are sitting together in the proverbial cafeteria and they must be up to no good. Coco's eyes are in the back of her head. SAM (CONT'D) We sit together to protect ourselves. Over a century of houses grouped by sports affiliations, political leanings, majors, you name it. Black folks get their own house, suddenly we got a problem? Students look at each other stunned. Are they turning? Sam delivers the next one directly at Sofia and Troy. SAM (CONT'D) This Act doesn't affect the other houses like it does ours. There are plenty of trustees, former coaches, and presidents watching out for the others. All we have is a Dean who'd rather please his massa -- TROY -- Yo that's enough of that Sam -- 14. SAM -- then stand up for his own. Look, I know ya'll ain't voting for me. Ya'll ain't ready and I didn't come here for that. The Black Student Union and I have brought a petition to repeal the Randomization of Housing Act. I plan on bringing it to the President and together we can bring Black back to Manchester. It'll be by the door. Sam sits as claps trickle from the crowd. The BoFros go crazy - give her daps and all sorts of praise. MARTIN, 20, a gentle erudite giant of a football player with neat braids tucked under a Fedora raises a hand. MARTIN I assume everyone has the app I created by now? REGGIE (aside) It's a child's app... MARTIN Good. Voting may commence. Everyone takes out smart phones. Reggie hides his from view as he punches something in. Troy spots the white Sophomores he greeted from before who give him a head nod. Troy's got this. After a moment... MARTIN (CONT'D) Okay. Looks like we've got ourselves a winner. (devastated) Sam White? The blood drains from Sam's face and Troy's smile plummets into the floor as the two turn to look at each other. TROY & SAM Oh shit. Reggie's grin is from ear to ear as Helmut walks over and slips a card to a still stunned Sam. Coco watches him go. 17 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT 17 Right on the heels of Helmut's exit is... 15. COCO So that's what you're looking for? HELMUT I'm looking for good TV sister. COCO I think I'd be good TV. HELMUT You're at a great school, getting a great education. Be good at that. COCO I am. And when I graduate early with an Economics degree from Manchester it will be the crowning achievement of my Black middle class parents' ambitions. HELMUT Conflict is a commodity in my industry. Sam's got it. Do you? COCO So you want me to start a fight. HELMUT (exactly) I don't want you to do anything you wouldn't otherwise do. Helmut hands her his card. A fire sparks in Coco as he exits. He contemplates her. Fights a growing smile. 18 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY 18 A fireplace rages behind Lionel who stares at the floor while the message plays over speaker phone. SPEAKER ...bigger the dick the less you'll have to pay me to ssssuck it. Dean Fairbank's mind ticks away behind a concerned glare. DEAN FAIRBANKS Most everything's locked up, but we'll find another residence to move you to. Third time's a charm. (off Lionel's sigh) What about Armstrong / Parker? 16. LIONEL I don't know... DEAN FAIRBANKS I might have an opening. Maybe it'd be good to be around...you know. LIONEL Dean. The worst thing about high school, and believe me it was a long list, were the Black kids. DEAN FAIRBANKS Maybe it's in your head. Sure, sometimes our folks can be intolerant around people like you. Homo -- LIONEL -- I don't believe in labels. Fairbanks just smiles. This is a sore spot and he backs off. Lionel glares up at a poster above Fairbank's desk: Students of all races on the steps of Ellington Library including Troy with the phrase "MANCHESTER: WHERE YOU BELONG" printed below. Troy's huge smile seems to mock him. DEAN FAIRBANKS You like jazz Lionel? Manchester's like jazz you know. LIONEL This is a research school. DEAN FAIRBANKS And jazz is tension. The interplay of improvised solos all creating one song. Your problem is you've got no instrument. No major, no affiliations, no solo son. LIONEL I submit articles to the Independent Observer. DEAN FAIRBANKS No one reads the Independent Observer, my point is are you playing swing or bebop? LIONEL You're mixing metaphors. 17. DEAN FAIRBANKS Are you a sax or are you a trumpet? LIONEL I hate jazz. Fairbanks checks his watch. All out of ideas. DEAN FAIRBANKS I'll do what I can. Not a word of this in the Observer okay? LIONEL What's it matter? No one reads it. 19 EXT. MANCHESTER - DAY 19 Lionel walks alone through the buzzing campus. He looks out to.. ...a group of BLACK KIDS. He sees a version of himself amongst them - his hair a finger waved Ceasar fade, as he trades "No Homo's" with the others. Lionel shakes it off. Peers over to a group of out and proud gay kids and sees a version of himself amongst them - his hair straightened and coifed in a fitted shirt laughing. Not right either. Where does he fit? By surprise... GEORGE Lionel right? GEORGE PIERCE, 24, an intellectual whose tattooed quotes from Nietzsche peek out seductively from under his button up. GEORGE (CONT'D) George. We had Civ last semester? How you doing? LIONEL Grood...Gate...I'm ah.. GEORGE Fan of your stuff. In the Observer? LIONEL No one reads the Observer. GEORGE You seen this? George hands Lionel Sam's "Missing Black Culture" flyer. 18. GEORGE (CONT'D) The residents of Armstrong / Parker just made her head of house. Am I crazy or is there a there there? LIONEL What made you come over here? George holds up Sam's "Ebony & Ivy." Lionel takes it. LIONEL (CONT'D) I mean I'm glad you came -- GEORGE -- My staff? God bless them. They're whiter than Michael Jackson's kids. We're fucked if anyone of them writes this story and I will not let the transfers at the Gazette do it first. LIONEL The oldest one has his face. GEORGE You're in the Black Student Union. You probably know Sam. Lionel shakes his head "yes" and "no" at the same time. GEORGE (CONT'D) You come up with a good angle? I want it in the Bugle. Lionel eyes the bold "Bugle" logo on George's shirt. LIONEL (aside) Trumpet... GEORGE Bugle. Focus. The only paper on campus with a national subscription base and an Advisor from the New York Times? Only so many ways a person can distinguish themselves at a place like this Lionel. You're good. You belong with us. The way Lionel fights the smile creeping up his face - we know he's never heard these words. Never belonged any place. Doesn't hurt there's a handsome boy smiling at him either. 19. 20 INT. ARMSTRONG/PARKER DINING HALL - DAY 20 Troy and Sam sit across from each other at a table. Their opposite facing laptops and a world of tension put a wall between them. TROY Get it yet? Sam shakes her head yes. TROY (CONT'D) Good. You've now got the shared calendar, contacts, and official email. Troy throws a smirk her way before pulling out a thick stack of papers. TROY (CONT'D) Oh and before I forget. SAM Event requests for the year? TROY Just this month. They need your approval. Also don't forget to pick your office hours. At least 20 per week. SAM That's absurd. TROY You're in charge of a hundred residents now. And they need time to complain to your face. About noise. Leaky pipes. Gluten free options in the cafeteria. Etcetera. SAM Troy. I didn't think I was going to win. TROY And by the way petitioning the President on the Randomization of Housing Act isn't gonna do shit. None of the other houses are concerned. 20. SAM Because they all have a legacy of rich and powerful allies on the board who will make sure that "random" works out to their advantage. TROY And you think a petition is going to change that? Troy gets up to leave as Reggie sits - suspicious. Sam's phone buzzes: "MOM." The letters chill Sam to the core. 21 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER - DAY 21 Lionel steps his way through the hall, a deer in headlights with a notepad. He flips through Sam's "EBONY & IVY" book... SAM (V.O.) The Armstrong / Parker dining hall is the epicenter of Black culture as it stands at Manchester. Only here can you commiserate, celebrate and discuss everything from Kanye West lyrics to theoretical relativism all in one sitting. Not to mention find someone who can actually do your hair. ARMSTRONG / PARKER DINING HALL - CONTINUOUS Lionel enters and takes a place in a line. He absorbs this lively and somewhat alien dining hall. Troy now holds court near the windows at a table of eight or so friends including Martin and SUNGMI, a lip ringed Korean art major. MARTIN "We wuz robbed." That election was suspect man. Martin glares at Reggie and his giant souped-up Laptop. Sam breaks this by sitting back down - her phone call ending. SAM You call me the minute there's an update. Love you too mom. Sam hangs up. The call's really put her in a bad place. She sits at a table of her Bofros - who we'll name by their hair. 21. CURLS There is one other sister in my Relativity class, I'll be damned if our professor doesn't call me Laretta every God damn time. DREADS We all look the same. REGGIE Programming professor gets me and Martin here mixed up constantly. MARTIN You should be so lucky. Reggie glances over at Martin's Mac Air. REGGIE Cute. You get that at Toys R Us? Sam pulls out her Mac and her student ID card. REGGIE (CONT'D) You still using your ID number? SAM I always forget passwords. REGGIE You are begging to get hacked. SAM Good thing the one evil techno- genius thinking like that is on my side. Sam pushes aside all the paperwork on her table. SAM (CONT'D) So this is what the revolution looks like? Office hours and paperwork. Sam pulls her camera out - starts to shoot the room. REGGIE Winning was a happy accident. We want the reform repealed right? CURLS Means to an end, sister. 22. Sam feels the heat of her disciples' eyes on her as the topic of the day rages on with the entrance of Coco, who sits with a group of well manicured hot-ironed group of girls, white and Black. COCO The talented tenth always has to bust its ass a little bit harder, but I don't see the benefit in blaming white folks for everything. CURLS Who's blaming? TROY I don't see the issue. I never had one. Never ran into any lynch mobs. Lionel takes a seat alone facing the action. Kurt and crew enter with plates of mac and cheese and sit in the heart of the conversation. Lionel avoids eye contact. SAM Lynch mob is still there. Just re- branded itself. TROY As what pray tell? REGGIE The Republican party. SAM Want to know how this world sees you? Go to a Young Republican's meeting and bring up Welfare. SUNGMI Or Immigration. LIONEL (aside) Or gay equality. KURT Bullshit. MARTIN I agree. Got something to add? KURT The biggest athletes, movie stars, hell your president is Black. (MORE) 23. KURT (CONT'D) Sometimes I think the hardest thing to be in the American work force right now is an educated white guy. SUNGMI You're not serious. KURT You guys still got affirmative action, you're set. REGGIE This shit. SAM What are you doing in here? KURT Obama. Leader of the free world got into Harvard on affirmative action. Know who's not president right now? The guy that didn't get in. SAM On behalf of the colored folks in the room, let me apologize for all the better qualified white students whose place we're taking up. Kurt chuckles - a bit turned on by the argument. SAM (CONT'D) You get lost? Bechet is that way. KURT Yeah but what other dining hall gives you chicken and waffles? Dear White People right? Funny stuff. How haven't we staffed you yet? SAM On Pastiche? Your uninspired humor magazine? KURT We're a lot more than a magazine sweetie. SNL staff is basically half Lampoon, half Pastiche. Just like the network comedies. A flash of envy comes over Troy and Coco. 24. SAM What gives you Clubhouse kids the right to come to our Dining Hall? Kurt eats an exaggerated scoop of mac and cheese. SAM (CONT'D) You don't live here. MARTIN Sam? What are you doing? SAM You can't eat here. Kurt eyes this new adversary. Enjoys a good challenge. TROY Chill Sam damn. Let the man-- KURT & SAM -- I got this. KURT Who are you to put me out? SAM (realizing) I'm the Head of this house. And I'm doing things my way. Sam shoots this last one to Martin. Kurt rolls his eyes to which Sam slams his tray to the ground. Lionel scribbles down notes furiously on a notepad. KURT You got any idea who you're -- SAM -- Yeah, I know who your daddy is. The same one who's been pushing to break up this House for a decade. What's wrong? Is he scared letting the Negroes gather in groups might start a rebellion on the plantation? You tell him from me...he should be. Kurt looks into Sam's eyes and then his crew. They want out. KURT Bad move. 25. Kurt leads his crew out of the dining hall drawing a slight snicker from Lionel which draws Sam's eyes right to him. Something sparks in Lionel. He takes out his phone and texts to GEORGE: "I've got the angle. I'm in." SAM You too. LIONEL Me? SAM Is this your house? Lionel sinks - the eyes of everyone in the room on him. Sam sits back down as a trickle of claps grow to a steady applause. Troy and his table look around baffled. By the caution on Sam's face it seems the first time she's ever heard this sound directed at her. A slight envy boils in Coco. One last look to the room from Lionel before he slips out. Locked out again. 23 INT. COCO'S ROOM - DAY 23 Coco scrolls Sam's "Dear White People" Youtube page. 75K Subscribers. She presses play on the latest video. SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, stop dancing. Two seconds. 600K views. COCO The fuck? Coco exits and opens her own "TIME AT AN IVY LEAGUE" page. 2K subscribers. Her latest video is at 10K views. Alright... She presses record. Let's the camera rest on her briefly... COCO (CONT'D) Muffins. I hate to do it, but Imma have to get real Black with you. (comes to mind) So the other day, a girl had the nerve to fix her mouth and ask me if my hair was weaved. (after a moment) Weaved. Weaved bitch? (MORE) 26. COCO (CONT'D) First of all if you're going to fix your mouth to ask me something like that, say it right please? It's weave. Noun. Present tense. Second of all don't assume just because you see a sister with some hair it's a weave. Is it? Clearly. If a bitch could grow straight Indian hair directly out her own head I wouldn't have just overdrafted my account paying for this shit but that ain't your business. Are those your lips sweetie? Sweet heart is that really your skin? These white girls and these tans I swear to God, they're starting to look darker than me. Coco pauses it. Her mouse hovers over the check box next to "private." Instead she plays it back...and hits "publish." She clicks back through to Sam's last video and hits "reply." As the red light on her computer's web cam turns green... COCO (CONT'D) Dear White People. What do I think about it? 24 INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY 24 Sam with arms folded watches as Gabe (Sam's caller from earlier) presses play on a DVD. Horrified students watch... ...a Black and white 1920's style silent movie, complete with Dialogue Cards and dramatic PIANO MUSIC. SERIES OF SHOTS - ON THE SCREEN A) OBAMA speaks at a debate B) DIALOGUE CARD: "We are the change that we seek." C) A FAMILY in white-face go ape-shit D) DIALOGUE CARD: "HE'S READING OFF A TELEPROMPTER!!!!!!" E) More intercut footage of Obama speaking with actors in white-face reacting. Until... F) DIALOGUE CARD: OBAMA WINS A SECOND TERM! G) A WHITE-FACE CROWD goes nuts in the streets - scream into camera - loot buildings and shoot themselves in the head. 27. H) Dialogue Card: "FIN" PROFESSOR BODKIN, late 40s, with a "seen it all before" demeanor hides a grin and lets the room settle. PROFESSOR BODKIN Okay. Does anyone have any comments for Sam's "Rebirth of a Nation?" All of the kids are too scared to comment. Except... PROFESSOR BODKIN (CONT'D) Gabe, go ahead. GABE I dig the "silent movie" thing, but it's a little self-congratulatory. Light on story and frankly thematically dubious. PROFESSOR BODKIN Okay. Anybody else? SAM What? SAME PLACE - MOMENTS LATER As students filter out of the class... PROFESSOR BODKIN Sam? SAM Before you say anything might I remind you that I sat through Birth of A Nation, Gone With The Wind, and Tarantino week without protest. PROFESSOR BODKIN And might I remind you that I read all fifteen pages of your unsolicited essay on why Gremlins is actually about suburban white fear of Black culture. SAM The Gremlins are loud, talk in slang, are addicted to fried chicken and freak out when you get their hair wet. 28. PRESIDENT BODKIN My only problem with your movie is that it was late. The silent projects were last semester Sam. You were supposed to have emailed your sound treatment over Summer. SAM I've been getting footage. PROFESSOR BODKIN This is your senior thesis Sam, where the hell is your head at? SAM I've got Radio, BSU, this Head of House thing -- PROFESSOR BODKIN -- Do you want this? Cause if not, don't waste my time here -- Sam pulls out the Super 8 camera from her satchel. SAM -- Look this thing might as well be my right hand Professor. I was busy this summer that's all. PROFESSOR BODKIN With everything but your major? While your peers are taking internships, making short films... SAM My dad. He's sick. Had to go home. PROFESSOR BODKIN If you need some time off, take it. But if you want to make it to next semester -- SAM -- I do -- PROFESSOR BODKIN -- Pull it together. This is Manchester. Sam wants this. It's in her eyes as she holds her tongue. 25 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 25 Sam exits the theater and spots Gabe talking to some guys. 29. SAM Thematically dubious? GABE Well what was that supposed to be about exactly? SAM You're thematically dubious! Gabe rolls his eyes and catches up with her. SAM (CONT'D) Since when do TA's give critiques? GABE You invoke Minstrelsy for shock value, but to what end? SAM To invoke the same feeling I get when I turn on the TV and see some so-called reality star shuck and jive for ratings egged on by no doubt white producers. Or the sassy Black secretary with no backstory or character development aside from their skin color. GABE So it's a tit for tat? * EXT. GOODMAN MEDIA SCHOOL 2 - DAY * SAM * You're honestly saying that art * can't be reactionary? * GABE * You're reacting to a work made * almost a hundred years ago. * SAM * Yes because fear of Black men being * involved in the United States * Government is a completely * antiquated concept. No social * relevance whatsoever today. * GABE * Frankly I just think sometimes its * better to hold a mirror up to your * audience than to drop an * ideological piano over their head. * 30. SAM * Frankly I just think works that * deal with the African Diaspora * through a post-modern lens are * outright rejected unless they're * handled by a white artist. * GABE * African Diaspora? Really? * 26 INT. DAVIS HOUSE - DAY 26 The war rages as the two continue up a fleet of stairs. SAM Blackface is alive and well in our culture. Who primarily buys hip hop? Watches Housewives of Atlanta? The same homogenized images of Black people over and over again? White people Gabe. GABE Who goes to see Tyler Perry movies? SAM We're an underfed community. None of this changes the fact that the vibrancy, the complexity of Black culture has been distilled into commodities and marketing schemes to be bought and sold-- GABE --to the detriment of the so called "real thing." Got it. And into a room... INT. GABE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Gabe slams the door. SAM I am indistinguishable from the so called "urban" images used to amuse and market to white America. GABE And the commodification of culture is uniquely oppressive to Black people? 31. Sam nods fervently as Gabe grabs and unbuttons her jeans. GABE (CONT'D) So when Kanye raps about Louis V and Rolexes and Classical Art, exactly what exploited pocket of Black America are those references being mined from? Sam can't get her shirt off fast enough. SAM On your knees. Gabe kneels below frame as Sam closes her eyes in ecstacy. CUT TO BLACK. 27A INT. GABE'S ROOM - EVENING 27A Sam's eyes pop open - a startled scream escapes her lips. She's surprised at first to see Gabe beside her in bed, the outside spoon. They're both naked. Her pompadour frayed. GABE What? You dream in "Cosby" again? SAM My hair was so straight. My sweater so big. I told you about that? Sam's phone buzzes. Gabe grabs it and sees Reggie's photo pop up. He swallows his envy and hands it to Sam. She doesn't answer. Silence as it hits her voicemail. GABE Hey so...this whole "Head of House" thing. Congrats? SAM Yeah, it's...it's. GABE Weird, right? Never took you as a student politician... Reggie's photo again - New Voicemail. A regret in Sam's eyes. SAM Yeah, well... Sam rolls out of bed. Gabe thinks twice before he asks it. 32. GABE Sam? What are we doing? She badly wants to give him the answer he wants. Instead... SAM Fucking. 28 INT. STUDIO BOOTH - DAY 28 Reggie stares at Sam with stars in his eyes as she effortlessly addresses the campus in between bits of jazz. SAM (V.O.) Dear White People. Please stop touching my hair. 29 INT. GARMIN CLUB HOUSE - DAY 29 Lionel at an ancient oak dining room table listens to the broadcast over his laptop. Makes studious notations... SAM (V.O.) Does this look like a petting zoo to you? Lionel gets an IM: "George: Hey handsome, how's the story?" To which Lionel writes: "Going great sexy." Lionel deletes "sexy" and replaces it with ":)" before hitting send. 29A BAR DIVIDE 29A Across from Lionel is Kurt flanked by his eager but self conscious right hand GORDON - and MITCH, swagged out varsity crew captain and connoisseur of all things Black culture. They wear "PASTICHE" gear, hunch over a glowing iPad and scroll through a series of student group photos in the Yearbook. Kurt stares off into space, turns up the GANGSTA RAP playing from a nearby blue tooth speaker. Kurt pours shots of Jack which Gordon eyes with caution. GORDON Kurt it's three. MITCH Y.O.L.O. my nigga! Everyone takes the shot. 33. GORDON We don't even have our new staff yet. Why are we planning this? KURT Everyone wants to be on our staff that's the easy part. MITCH We're going to make staff bids on Game Night, and the RSVP's are through the roof for that. KURT Yeah but Halloween is our premiere party. The waitlist is already a hundred deep and it's going to take a lot to outdo this summer. MITCH Cinco de Mayo was epic. INSERT: A black and white photo of Kurt and crew dressed in Sombreros and Mexican stereotypes at a wild pool party. The title reads... PASTICHE PRESENTS "WETBACK" GORDON How about the Young Republicans? KURT Too close to the Tea-Party. INSERT: Photo of Kurt and crew dressed as famous female political conservatives - brandishing rally signs with misspellings and cups of tea. The title reads... "PASTICHE'S TEA PARTY" MITCH Yo we need an East vs West hip hop party. Get the honeys in here. GORDON "The honeys?" You're from Vermont. KURT Guys what's the Pastiche motto? GORDON "Sharpen thy sword." 34. MITCH Our motto is a euphemism for masturbation? GORDON It's a reminder that satire is the weapon of reason. So who on campus is being unreasonable? MITCH Sounds like a reminder of how gay you are. GORDON Was that even a reasonable attempt at a quip Mitch? MITCH Hey Gordon, say reasonable again. SAM (O.S.) Dear White People, knowing Lil' Wayne lyrics no longer earns you an Honorary Black Card. It just reminds me how often you say the word "nigga" when no one Black is around as is required in reciting said lyrics. Kurt turns up his music and shoots Lionel a look, who plugs headphones into his computer and looks down. KURT The hell does Sam think she is? MITCH Like Spike Lee and Oprah had a pissed off baby. Kurt shares a glance with Mitch and Gordon - they're leaning towards the same idea. KURT Could we? GORDON How? Kurt turns his heat towards Lionel - has a bone to pick. KURT Hey Lionel. Talked to the Dean today. (MORE) 35. KURT (CONT'D) We had a very enlightening conversation. I just want to say... I'm sorry about the voice message. 29B DINING ROOM 29B Kurt and his crew cross over to Lionel's table. Kurt unzips his pants silently. KURT (CONT'D) Do you accept? Lionel removes the headphones and turns to Kurt, just as he starts flopping his dick around off screen. Lionel quickly looks in the other direction. Kurt's friends crack up. GORDON Please put that away. KURT You got to talk to these people in a language they'll understand. Lionel shoves his headphones back on over his fro. LIONEL Pathetic. KURT (yelling) Wherever he ships you off to, be sure to pack a sense of humor with you, kay bro? Lionel drowns them out. He flips through Sam's "Ebony & Ivy" book to a section called... SAM (V.O.) The Paper Bag Tests. As Lionel reads we swish pan to... 30 DREAM DINER 30 ...an abstract Diner set. Sam at the counter addresses us. SUPERIMPOSE: THE TIP TEST SAM The Tip Test. You hit up Jelly's for a snack. Your waitress mistakes you for someone who looks like you (Black) who once ran up a thirty dollar bill and left a dollar tip. 36. WAITRESS, over it, crosses frame and glares coldly at us. Lionel takes a seat at a booth with Sam across from him. SAM (CONT'D) You watch all the other customers order before you do... Waitress huffs her way over to Lionel. LIONEL Pastrami sandwich on rye. SAM ...then proceed to wait no less than forty minutes for your food. A wall-clock advances forty, before the food and check come. SAM (CONT'D) How do you tip? A... LIONEL Forty minutes? Man she's lucky I leave her forty cents. You do a good job, maybe you'll see a tip. SAM B... LIONEL Doris was tripping, but fifteen percent is the least I can do. SAM Or C... LIONEL I reject the stereotype that African American's don't tip. I'm leaving her twenty, no twenty five, just to prove I can! CUT TO: Lionel's back in reality. He ponders the scenario. LIONEL (CONT'D) C? He turns the book upside down and reads the small print on the bottom of the page. "A) ONE HUNDRED" "B) OOFTA" and his answer "C) NOSE-JOB." 37. LIONEL (CONT'D) Nose-job? 31 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 31 The campus has settled into the semester as students trudge back and forth to class. SAM (V.O.) Dear White People in a shocking reversal using the term "African American" is borderline racist now. 32 INT. DEAN FAIRBANKS OFFICE - DAY 32 Dean Fairbanks and PRESIDENT HERBERT FLETCHER, 50's in an even better suit than Fairbanks listen to the radio. Fairbanks eyeballs Fletcher - tension between the two. SAM (O.S.) Turns out if you're too worried about Political Correctness to say "Black", odds are you secretly just want to call us niggers anyway and truth be told I'd rather you just be honest about it. PRESIDENT FLETCHER Free speech my ass. DEAN FAIRBANKS Stalin quotes for two hundred? PRESIDENT FLETCHER You're joking about this? DEAN FAIRBANKS I'm sorry, was I supposed to take "Free speech my ass" as a legitimate suggestion? PRESIDENT FLETCHER This is your office's issue Walter. Especially after that episode with Kurt in the dining hall. DEAN FAIRBANKS Every race issue is my issue. PRESIDENT FLETCHER It's a student issue. You are the Dean of students aren't you? The two share an old and heated glare. 38. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) The Times has been watching us like a hawk. Last thing we need is some "race war" on newspapers across the country. How do you think our donor base will feel about that? Our fund- raiser is four weeks away. DEAN FAIRBANKS How bad is this deficit of yours? PRESIDENT FLETCHER Worse. But let me tell you something. If this blows up any further? It's on you Walter. Racism is over in America. And if anyone's still dealing with it, it's the -- I don't know Mexicans probably. Troy pokes his head in. Fairbanks cuts the radio off. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) Come on in. TROY President Fletcher. PRESIDENT FLETCHER Son, call me Herb. Fairbanks grits his teeth as Fletcher exits and Troy sits. DEAN FAIRBANKS President Fletcher tells me his son got his ass handed to him. Troy hates this game. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) Bout time. Can't tell you how many instances I had to defend Armstrong / Parker when I was Head of House. TROY Sam's out of line. Kurt's alright. DEAN FAIRBANKS But you're supposed to be better than alright. Since when do we lose elections Troy? TROY The Housing Act passing without a fight didn't help. 39. DEAN FAIRBANKS What have I told you about excuses? TROY Pops my course load is full anyway. I'm head of Econ Board, I'm thinking about Pastiche. DEAN FAIRBANKS Pastiche? On Kurt Fletcher's staff? TROY You know to round out the res? DEAN FAIRBANKS I'll be God damned if twenty years from now you have to end up working for that dumb asses son. TROY (put in his place) Yes sir. DEAN FAIRBANKS Fletcher and I graduated a year apart. He barely made it through. I graduated Summa cum Laude. Now look who's President and who's Dean. TROY What's the difference? DEAN FAIRBANKS A couple hundred grand a year. Understand what I'm saying? Now what happened between you and Sam to make her come after you anyway? TROY Sofia. You remember Sofia? Daughter of the President. Psych major. "Has the world ahead of her Troy." DEAN FAIRBANKS I don't like your tone boy. TROY Sorry sir. DEAN FAIRBANKS So you lost the House. On to the school presidency then. The light in Troy's eyes dims a bit. 40. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) It'll be good to show this campus is capable of electing someone like you as school president. TROY Someone like me? 33 INT. TROY'S BATHROOM - NIGHT 33 Troy hovers over the toilet - smokes weed while the shower runs - exhales through his paper towel / dryer sheet apparatus. He jots down on a notepad and LAUGHS to himself. TROY'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME Sofia has her face to the floor - peering underneath the bathroom door. She can see Troy's feet. What the hell? Off the SQUEAK of the shower being cut Sofia jumps up. MOMENTS LATER Troy bounds out the bathroom in his undies. Sofia on the couch pretends to have been watching television. TROY Babe. Hat or no hat? Troy stands before her in his undies holding a Kangol. He eyes her oversized T-shirt. TROY (CONT'D) Are you wearing that? SOFIA I don't have to be. Sofia yanks Troy to her by his underwear to kiss his navel. SOFIA (CONT'D) Hey boo...why don't we put some of your new found free time to good use? It's been a while since... TROY What's with all this boo stuff? SOFIA ...since you fucked me with your big Black cock. Troy pulls away. 41. SOFIA (CONT'D) It used to turn you on when I talked like that. Is it me? TROY (yes) I love you. SOFIA Is it Sam? TROY Can we please just, get ready? SOFIA Why? I hate my brother's friends. Troy thinks over his next words carefully. TROY You're not going to go with me? SOFIA You'd go without me? Troy tries to flash a charming shrug. SOFIA (CONT'D) You're my guest! Sofia gathers some books and heads for the door. TROY You can hang out while I'm -- SOFIA -- Okay, what's with you and my brother? Are you in love with him? Is this like, some DL shit? Sofia storms out. TROY "DL shit!?" 34 INT. FOREST - NIGHT 34 Lionel walks up the darkly lit stairs of a very old building. He reaches a door marked "Newsroom." 35 INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT 35 Lionel looks around the dimmed office. There is music and light coming from a room past all the cubicles... 42. 36 INT. BULLPEN - NIGHT 36 ...An office filled with computers. George and a few other EDITORS scream with laughter - beers and pizza in hand. GEORGE does a beat on his desk while... GEORGE I keeps it clean Ya know what I mean. I drinks my Vodka straight, like I'm a fiend. ANNIE, a strawberry blonde laughs in George's lap. Lionel's envy shows. ANNIE Wait, quiet I want to hear this. Annie turns up a Youtube video of... COCO (O.S.) If I could grow straight Indian hair out my head -- ANNIE Ohmigod, this is going on Facebook. Annie swivels in her chair only to SCREAM BLOODY MURDER at the sight of Lionel. LIONEL Relax the Negro at the door is not here to rape you. Annie laughs. The mood is drunk and light. LIONEL (CONT'D) So this is what editors do? GEORGE We're taking a break, what are you doing here? LIONEL You wanted me to drop in and tell you how the story was coming? GEORGE Yeah like this week. It's Saturday night. You got nowhere else to be? LIONEL It was this or the new Madea movie. 43. GEORGE Dear God. Where does Madea go this time? Dialysis? 37 EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT 37 Sam, flanked by Reggie and the BoFros are in mid rant. REGGIE Man fuck Tyler Perry. SAM Like, can we have a movie with, you know characters in them? `Stead of stereotypes wrapped in Christian dogma? REGGIE Why is every educated person inherently evil? Why this Nigga gotta be in a mutha fucking dress all the mutha fucking time? SAM How come the only Black movies Hollywood wants to make are ones with mammies in fat suits or Black women in pain man? All of this is directed at a TEENAGER in the box office. TEENAGER Most people are here to see Fang 9. (after a beat) Kelly Rowland's in it? The group throw up their hands and groan in protest. 38 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 38 Game Night and Kurt's house is filled with smoke, music, and rich kids who play cards at various tables. Coco, in a banging jumpsuit scans the room for prospects. A few eyes from the WHITE BOYS start to flicker her way. This perks her up, as she arches her back slightly... ...only to see their eyes follow the WHITE BRUNETTE HIPSTER GIRL who has entered behind her. Coco catches herself in the mirror. What don't they see? 38A CARD TABLE 38A 44. Troy deals cards at a table - the game is Texas Hold Em. Troy holds court - much to Kurt's chagrin. The mood is playful. There's a brief eye contact between Troy and Coco. 39 INT. SAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 39 A huge "Boycott Sal's Pizzeria" poster hangs on the walls of Sam's chic dorm surrounded by other street art. The BoFros and a few cool residents of Armstrong / Parker hang about. Underground hip hop permeates the room. Sam refuses a joint coldly from Reggie - her eyes fixed on "SCHOOL DAZE" which plays on her 36' flatscreen. SAM How `bout you stop stereotyping yourself and put that shit out? This ain't "Friday." REGGIE Yo Sam. We got to talk about the protest. When are we are bringing the Housing fight to the prez? Sungmi takes a seat next to Sam. Some kids hop up and start grooving it out when a new song pops up on the playlist. SUNGMI The House voted down sponsoring the rally. REGGIE What do we need it sponsored for? SAM Demonstrations can get shut down if a House doesn't sponsor them. REGGIE Like the House you're head of? Sam shoots Reggie a glare. He backs off. SUNGMI Hey Sam, I read "Ebony and Ivy." What's with the Oofta, Nose-Jobs, One Hundred stuff? I miss something? Sam smiles. SAM You want me to break it down? 45. 40 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 40 Troy deals another hand with Kurt, Mitch and Gordon. Troy's homeboy swag is thicker than usual. MITCH Yo my perfect Friday night is whiskey and my T-Bone Walker records, real talk. TROY Who the fuck is T-Bone Walker? 40A INTERCUT WITH SAM'S APARTMENT: 40A SAM Only a few ways colored folks survive at a place like this. MITCH Uh only a pioneer of electric and jump blues bro. Know your roots. TROY White folks always be on stuff like decades too late and act like they discovered some shit. SAM "Oofta" is the jazz age term for Bojangle types who Blacked it up for White audiences. MITCH Don't sleep on T-Bone man. TROY Rock, Jazz, Blues - Nigga whatchu got on right now? MITCH Public Enemy my Nig-- TROY --Yo watch that man. GORDON You just called him -- TROY -- Ya'll get Country Clubs we get to say Nigga. Everyone at the table erupts in laughter. Except Kurt. 46. GORDON And golf? And all our girls? TROY Whatchu mean all your girls? GORDON Dude, between OJ, Tiger, Wesley Snipes and uh, Troy over here... TROY Yo. It's a word for that. Reparations. More Kurt-less laughter from the table. TROY (CONT'D) Forty white bitches and a mule. Perfectly executed. Troy grins as the table erupts. SAM An Oofta modulates his Blackness up or down depending on the crowd and what he wants from them. MITCH Kurt? KURT What? GORDON Kurt. Troy watches this exchange closely. GORDON (CONT'D) Troy. You thinking about Pastiche? TROY That's the magazine right? GORDON For starters. MITCH What other "magazine" you know has a first look deal at NBC? The third biggest Youtube channel. Talk show. Platinum comedy record homie! 47. GORDON Couldn't you see him on the talk show Kurt? Kurt looks at his cards. KURT I fold. 41 INT. SAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 41 A small crowd's formed around Sam. SUNGMI Okay, and a nose-job is a wannabe? 42 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 42 Coco finishes her drink and catches Mitch and Gordon as they start up a Youtube video on their iPad. The previous game is over. They watch "Dear White People - 1,378,480 views." 42A INTERCUT WITH SAM'S APARTMENT: 42A SAM Sort of. Nose-jobs smooth their Black edges and try to blend. Coco runs her fingers through her straight hair. GORDON You seen this one? SAM (YOUTUBE) Dear White People using Instagram. You have an iPhone and go on hikes. I get it. COCO Ugh. Gordon and Mitch turn and notice Coco. Mitch eyes her curves. GORDON Not a fan? Coco makes a "no" face. MITCH Sup ma? COCO Don't talk like that. 48. GORDON Hey I know you... Coco is taken aback as Gordon punches up her video and plays it back. She hovers over them. COCO (YOUTUBE) Muffins. I hate to do it, but Imma have to get real Black with you. Coco a bit embarrassed scans the view count. SAM A Nose-job's worst fear is that their "Blackness" might cause a fuss or draw undue attention so they apologize for it or use it to self deprecate. COCO Forty thousand views already? GORDON Looks like someone submitted you to Buzzfeed. Taking off... Coco leans over them and scrolls down. The first comment is from a HELMUT: "Much better..." Coco soaks this in. MITCH You wan' a drink a sun'in? COCO Let me guess you're from Ohio? MITCH Vermont. GORDON What do you have against Dear White People? Coco smiles and slyly clicks to her next video. COCO (YOUTUBE) Dear White People. How do I feel about it? Well for one it's Blacker than thou propaganda from a bougie Lisa Bonet wannabe who smells like patchouli and frankly I can't believe we're letting Sam get away with it. 49. Mitch and Gordon's mouths are ajar. Coco studies the view count...26,758. A pride strikes Coco. 43 INT. SAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 43 As the impromptu party dies down... SUNGMI Okay and One Hundred? REGGIE Keeping it One-Hundred! Being Black as hell just cause. Sam rolls her eyes. SUNGMI But what about just being you? SAM Like I said... 44 INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT 44 Lionel's got the eyes of the Bullpen on him. Annie's really warmed to him - her hands play with his afro. ANNIE You don't mind do you? SAM (V.O.) There's only a few ways a person of a color can survive at a place like this... LIONEL Of course not. GEORGE Alright so then what? LIONEL So then Sam says "What, is your daddy scared the Negroes are gonna start a rebellion on the plantation?" George goes CRAZY at this. GEORGE To Kurt Fletcher!? LIONEL Yeah. Yes. Yup. 50. GEORGE We've got a news item but there's something bigger here. It's a profile piece on Armstrong / Parker and Sam White's pseudo revolution. ANNIE What's the headline? LIONEL Outdated nationalist seeks purpose starts race war? Lionel's joke hits, but he feels gross for saying it. The image of Sam shaking her head in the dinner FLASHES before Lionel briefly. GEORGE Beers in the corner. Bang out the news item tonight and we'll work on the profile piece for next week. Lionel grabs a beer and takes a seat at one of the open computers. George starts up a beat on his desk as he and Annie stare at Lionel expectantly. LIONEL What are you doing? ANNIE All Bugle staffer must freestyle. It's law. GEORGE You want to be a staffer right? LIONEL (awkward) My name is Lionel Kind of like a lion King of the jungle Indigenous to Africa... The beat has long since stopped. LIONEL (CONT'D) Sorry. 45 INT. KURT'S KITCHEN - NIGHT 45 Troy heads into the kitchen just as Kurt heads out. 51. TROY Yo man, you know I wasn't talking about Sof back there with whole forty bitches thing. I was just -- KURT -- trying to get on my staff? TROY I never really thought about -- KURT -- Bullshit. Game Night is where we make our bids for the new staff. It's why everyone's here. You were practically about to bust out a tap dance. TROY I'm a Poly Sci major man. I just came to hang out. KURT My staff likes you. A lot. TROY But you don't. KURT This thing with you and Sof... TROY I'm good to her. KURT Our dad's have been playing a game of chess off and on since 1972. TROY What and Sof is the White queen? KURT You're a pawn. And I think it's time you get off the board bro. Troy takes this in. KURT (CONT'D) Here's the deal. Every year we throw a party. The point is to mock the self important and moronic entities of the campus. The way to get staffed is to write an invite for the party. (MORE) 52. KURT (CONT'D) Our invites are legendary, we make Gawker, the Post, tons of blogs every year. If your invite is the one that goes out, you're guaranteed a spot on the staff. The runners up are voted on by the rest of us. Troy catches eyes with Coco who gives him a seductive glance. 45A LIVING ROOM 45A Coco turns back to her now enamored crowd. She's in her element with these boys at her feet. COCO I just think having good hair and carrying on with a degree of sophistication doesn't make me a traitor to the race. MITCH Want to know why they used to call me Black Mitch? GORDON COCO Absolutely not. No one called you that. KITCHEN Just as Gordon, Mitch and Coco approach... TROY Okay. And what's this year's theme? Kurt rolls his eyes instinctively. KURT Still working on that... TROY The party's a couple weeks away. GORDON Yo Kurt. I want you to meet someone. COCO You guys got a party coming up? Coco smiles at Kurt, before flicking her eyes over Troy. 53. 46 INT. SAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 46 Sungmi is one of the last to clear out of Sam's apartment as the party winds down. SUNGMI Hey, about the rally. You could still get the permit anyway Sam and go against the board. Most people consider that political suicide though. REGGIE We got to rally Sam. Time is now. SAM Use your head Reggie. You think a rally is going to change things? REGGIE It'll do a hell of a lot more than a radio show or views on Youtube. Everyone gets quiet. Sungmi takes this time to exit. REGGIE (CONT'D) Look, we got power Sam and it's time we used it. We earned it. SAM We? I didn't see you running for shit Reggie. The Bofros trade looks as Reggie storms out. Sam waits a beat and rolls her eyes. 47 EXT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER QUAD - NIGHT 47 Sam walks after Reggie. REGGIE Tired. SAM Don't "one word" me. REGGIE Why you got to snap at me all the time? I'm around you like twenty four seven. Like your lap dog. I don't even usually get down like that with no red bone chicks man. 54. SAM Don't call me that. REGGIE Come on, I thought your ass was Puerto Rican when I met you. Sam turns to go. REGGIE (CONT'D) Oh so you can dish it out but you can't take it? SAM I'm taking my ass home. REGGIE Come on Sam. You know how I feel about you. SAM How am I supposed to know how you feel about me? REGGIE You know what? Forgive me if I see something in you. Something inspiring. Something folks like me can get behind. Reggie puts his hands on Sam's belt and pulls her in to a kiss as a group walks by. Over Reggie's shoulder Sam sees... ...Gabe look back at her. He's heartbroken. She pretends not to be affected and sinks into a kiss from Reggie. REGGIE (CONT'D) Tell me you'll set up the rally. SAM I'll set up the rally. 48 INT. KURT'S KITCHEN - NIGHT 48 Kurt, Gordon, Mitch, Coco and Troy all trade glances. GORDON Are we sure about this? KURT It's ironic. Bold. And don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks Sam White's little movement needs to get cut down to size. 55. Agreement Coco's gaze. Uncertainty in Troy's. KURT (CONT'D) Looks like you got your Hip Hop party Mitch. MITCH `Bout time. It's going to be huge man, fucking epic. Kurt holds back a smile. KURT Boys, we've got a lot more mingling to do. We'll be in touch. And Troy? Get off the board bro. Troy chews on this as Kurt leads his group out. Troy smiles, goes to exit. TROY Nice seeing you. COCO Where's Sofia? TROY I have no idea. COCO Trouble in paradise? Troy shrugs and heads to the party. COCO (CONT'D) Figures. (off Troy's incredulousness) Nothing. I'm sure you've got something else fair and petite and...fair lined up for that drink. TROY What's that supposed to mean? COCO It's fine. I'm not even really into Black dudes anyway. TROY I'll have you know I'm an equal opportunity employer, okay? 56. COCO And what kind of jobs are you hiring for mister? Coco's stiletto rubs the side of Troy's calf. TROY Aren't you and Sofia -- COCO -- I'm an accessory to Sofia. Can't ever shake the feeling I'm an assignment for that Afro Studies Minor of hers. Troy nervously glances out at the crowd and then back towards this dangerous and tempting creature before him. COCO (CONT'D) I'm sure you have no idea what I mean. 49 EXT. MANCHESTER YARD - NIGHT 49 Lionel and George walk through the campus at night. George waves goodbye to Annie as they pass Bechet House. LIONEL She seems really cool. George just smiles. GEORGE Did we go too far? You're in Armstrong/Parker right? LIONEL No. Garmin. GEORGE Fancy. LIONEL George I'm not exactly down with Sam and I'm not in the BSU. I got kicked out of Armstrong / Parker same as Kurt. But I'm going to write a good story, okay? GEORGE I hope so. I want a Bugle on your chest by the end of the month. Lionel fights a smile as his heart beats through his chest. 57. They reach the front of Lionel's house. George runs his hand through Lionel's hair. Mitch, smoking on the porch with some other kids - trade glances. GEORGE (CONT'D) Your fro's so gnarly. LIONEL I'm growing it out. GEORGE Night Lionel. Lionel heads up his stoop - past the snickers and glares of Mitch and company. MITCH Party's not over. LIONEL I live here. MITCH Sorry bro. Invitation only. LIONEL It's two in the morning. Mitch shrugs as humiliation floods over Lionel. Lionel sighs and slumps on the steps outside the door. He scrolls through his phone for a contact...OFFICE OF THE DEAN. Starts an email. 50 INT. TROY'S BEDROOM - MORNING 50 Troy's Kangol sits in the ground, besides his undies, and besides a bright pink thong. Coco's pink painted finger nails travel through the creases of Troy's immaculate abs. TROY Coco huh? COCO Colandrea doesn't exactly pass the resume test, you know? I mean couldn't you fucking die? My parents should've just named me Ghetto-ass-hoodrat-anisha. Do you...indulge? Coco fiddles in her purse - pulls out a joint. 58. TROY It's ten am. Coco lights it and takes a drag. She hands it to Troy. TROY (CONT'D) I don't mess with that stuff. Coco sees right through him as Troy hits it like a pro. COCO Sure about that? TROY Sure you don't like Black guys? COCO Girl like me is just a placeholder for ya'll at a place like this. TROY I'm not like that. COCO I don't think Sam would agree. TROY That was different. COCO No it wasn't. Poor thing, she was light skin-ded and everything. TROY Yo, it wasn't like that alright? Troy's tone sobers Coco a bit. She places a hand on Troy's. TROY (CONT'D) My pops. He wanted me with Fletcher's daughter. They've been in competition ever since they went here. Pops hates that Fletcher ended up President and he got stuck as the Dean. COCO So your upbringing may have actually fucked you up more than mine? That's hot. Troy laughs and takes the joint back. 59. COCO (CONT'D) The hell is the difference between a Dean and a President anyway? TROY Apparently four hundred years of unreconciled oppression. COCO He's not going to like you running with the Pastiche boys is he? TROY If I even get tapped. COCO You will. And you should do it. They all land somewhere big, some before they even graduate. I've seen you in front of a crowd Troy. I bet you could be famous. TROY That what you want? To be famous? COCO I want people to know my name. TROY Which one? Coco's phone buzzes with a message. It's Kurt. COCO (reading) We want you. Come by Ellington tomorrow at eight. (to Troy) Anything? Troy checks his phone. Nothing. A decision weighs in Troy's eyes as Coco throws on a shirt and gets up to go. COCO (CONT'D) You're going to have to stand up to him sooner or later Troy. 52 EXT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER QUAD - DAY 52 Troy and Sofia stand still amidst the bustle. Devastation marks her pretty face. SOFIA You said you loved me. 60. TROY I like you a lot. Salt meet wound. She wants to go, but something nags at her. SOFIA What do you do in the bathroom? When you leave the shower running? Was it just to get away from me? Troy wagers his answer and decides to confess. TROY I smoke weed and write jokes. Puzzled by the man before her and too hurt for more, Sofia just turns and walks away. Troy watches her go just as... ...Lionel passes by. The two share an awkward glance before Troy turns to enter the house. 53 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER HALL - SAME TIME 53 Lionel shyly trudges down the hall of Armstrong / Parker. He turns to see Troy behind him. The two avoid the other's gaze. As they both head up the stairs, Troy notes it strange that they're headed in the same direction. 53A UPSTAIRS 53A Lionel heads to a door at the end of the hallway and opens it with a key. Troy's already at the door when he looks up and realizes Lionel's just entered his apartment. 54 INT. TROY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 54 TROY The hell are you doing? LIONEL & TROY This is my apartment. TROY The hell it is. LIONEL The Dean said it was the only opening. TROY Head of House doesn't share. 61. LIONEL But you're not Head of House. Still stings. Troy heads into his room and closes the door leaving Lionel alone in the living room. 57 INT. ARMSTRONG/PARKER DINING HALL - DAY 57 Lionel sits alone in front of another bowl of soup. Eyes the different cliques of mostly Black students. Dreads walks past and shoots a head nod. Lionel uncomfortably shoots one back. DREADS Stay Black, my brother. LIONEL Sure thing? Lionel watches as Kurt and Troy walk together towards the entrance - suddenly chums. Troy's getting good news and gladly shakes Kurt's hand. KURT Need your submission by Thursday. TROY You got it bro. The two try and enter, when immediately Dreads slams a GONG in the back of the hall - prompting the whole of the dining hall to turn and throw paper balls at Kurt. KURT The fuck? Sam grins from a table comprised of Martin, Sungmi and her other support staff. Martin is visibly annoyed. TROY Yo! Troy takes some of the brunt of this and walks with the humiliated Kurt back out of the Dining Hall. Lionel watches with a smirk as Troy talks Kurt down on the other side of the entrance. Lionel catches eyes with Sam briefly who shares the same smirk. He realizes Sam's actually looking at Reggie, perched behind him at a table flanked by Curls and Dreads. They address him. REGGIE Finally made it in. 62. DREADS Been moved around a lot right? CURLS You must have been terrified when you saw "Armstrong/Parker" written on your moving assignment. LIONEL I was just finishing up. REGGIE Do Black people scare you? LIONEL (realizing its true) No. REGGIE You're too scared to even ask anyone for a cut. LIONEL I'm growing it out. DREADS No. I'm growing it out. You're fostering an ecosystem. REGGIE How come you don't come to BSU? LIONEL I listen to Mumford and Sons and watch Robert Altman movies. You honestly think I'm Black enough for the union? DREADS Yo, I love Robert Altman. Mutha fucka goes in. CURLS (after a beat) We're not all homophobes you know. Black folks? Lionel's eyes dart around. How did she know? DREADS I'm bumping Frank Ocean right now. I don't give a fuck. Imma still eat at Chik Fil A though. Them nuggets good as hell. 63. LIONEL I'm late for class. REGGIE You're the "Black voice" of the Bugle now. We're just trying to decide if you are friend or foe. Reggie pulls a folded copy of the Bugle from under his arm. Sam's on the front page with the headline "WHITE STUDENTS TOLD TO `GET OUT' BY LIONEL HIGGINS." REGGIE (CONT'D) We got to protect our girl. Reggie motions over to a stressed out Sam as she argues over something with Martin at another table. LIONEL I'm not on staff. Not until I make good on my assignment, I'm just -- REGGIE -- Assignment? What's the story? LIONEL They want me to do a profile piece on Black culture at Manchester. REGGIE Of which you are so clearly an expert. Shame floods Lionel's face. REGGIE (CONT'D) So what's harder man? Being Black enough for the Black kids or the white ones? LIONEL Being neither. Another GONG sounds with another shower of paper balls. This time it's for... ...Gabe, who's stuck outside. He makes eye contact with... GABE Sam! Really Sam? She just looks away. Reggie eyes him coolly. 64. 58 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY 58 Professor Bodkin watches over a small class as the students fill in essay questions. Sam's eyes are glued to a window... Outside below the Brofros pull up in an SUV. They hop out and start pulling out rally signs and bullhorns. Sam's eyes dart back to the clock as Gabe watches her watch the time. 59A EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 59A Sam bounds out of a building on her way to the parking lot. From behind her... DEAN FAIRBANKS Running late. Sam pauses and turns to see him. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) For your little rally? SAM Forget your sign Dean? DEAN FAIRBANKS Do you honestly think this is in the spirit of Armstrong / Parker house? SAM The role of the counter culture is to wake up the mainstream to -- DEAN FAIRBANKS -- I've got furniture older than you. Counter culture? Is that what you think this is? That show of yours? SAM What about my show? DEAN FAIRBANKS Your show is racist. SAM Black people can't be racist. The Dean is rendered speechless at this statement. 65. SAM (CONT'D) Prejudice? Yes. But not racist. Racism describes a system of disadvantage based on race. Black people can't be racist since they don't benefit from such a system. DEAN FAIRBANKS Do you read the school papers? SAM Is the New York Times a school paper? DEAN FAIRBANKS Your antics are making press Sam and press like this keeps men like President Fletcher up at night. SAM Warm milk? DEAN FAIRBANKS He's building a file on you. SAM It's not my fault your son couldn't beat me in an election. DEAN FAIRBANKS I'm sure it was hard growing up. Wondering which side you fit into. Feeling like you have to overcompensate perhaps? SAM If that's true, I'm not the only one Dean. Sam walks off in a half jog - Fairbank's last words resonate more than she'd like. Gabe, making his way outside just catches her exit. 59B EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY 59B Huge canvas signs with the words "WHITES ONLY" are strewn about the pavement, along with bullhorns and picket signs. Sam takes these in while the Brofros feverishly unpack the SUV. 66. REGGIE There you are! We supposed to start at noon. SAM I told you I had class. There's a vibration in Sam's pocket. Her phone says "MOM." She cuts it off and picks up a "white's only" sign. REGGIE Those are going up on Gillespie. Good right? Sam shrugs in the affirmative but it's too much. Reggie sees a doubt in her eyes. REGGIE (CONT'D) Yo. What's that? You're not getting cold feet are you? SAM No. I mean how long do I have to talk anyway? REGGIE You're kidding right? You're sort of the keynote. SAM Yeah but...you know I think the whole Malcolm X thing is your lane Reg. I'm just not -- REGGIE -- They came to hear you Sam. Grab a bullhorn. Turn it on. Sam is struck by the command. Stuck between wanting to curse and comply another buzz in her pocket yanks her attention to her phone. Sam checks: "IT'S ABOUT DAD. CALL ME" Sam turns for some privacy. She makes eye contact with Gabe who's just happened upon the parking lot. GABE What is all this? SAM (on phone) Hey. In the middle of-- -- Okay. Okay. Okay. 67. Tears well up in Sam's eyes as she shakes her head no and heads away from the parking lot and passed Gabe. When Reggie looks up and catches eyes with Sam. His tilted look of indignation asks her what she's doing. REGGIE Sam? Sam takes in the scene and decisively turns to go. Reggie's heart sinks as a bewildered Gabe goes to chase after her. REGGIE (CONT'D) Sam! 60 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER HALL - DAY 60 Reggie flanked by the BoFros bangs on Sam's door. REGGIE Yo, what the hell Sam? 61 INT. SAM'S ROOM - DAY 61 The banging continues as Sam sits on the edge of her bed. The tears have dried. Gabe paces behind the bed. GABE You want me to tell them to go? SAM You're so tough. GABE I will. SAM I want you to wait until they've gone and then head home. GABE I'm trying to be here for you. SAM Can you be somewhere else for me? 61A HALLWAY 61A REGGIE Sam! I know you're home. 68. 61B SAM'S ROOM 61B GABE What do you see in him? SAM The only eligible single brother on campus. GABE Wow. Okay. SAM I get it. Your parents owned in Harlem or something? You watched "Do The Right Thing" in high school and you want to prove to the world you're down? GABE I want to be down? How long does it take to get your hair like that? REGGIE (O.S.) Sam. We want to talk. SAM Reggie I will call you later damn! (to Gabe) You don't know what you're talking about. Girls like me-- GABE --what? Have to pick a side? I'm sick of your tragic Mulatto bullshit Sam! SAM You can't say Mulatto. GABE Mulatto! Mulatto! Mulatto! MORE BANGING SAM Window. Go out the window. GABE I'm sorry if I can't be your Nubian prince on my Black horse ready to take you back to fucking Zamunda! 69. SAM That's not a real African country. GABE Can I please get some credit for a solid "Coming to America" reference? Sam tries not laugh at this. GABE (CONT'D) This isn't you Sam. SAM No? And who am I? GABE You're this...girl... SAM Perceptive. GABE Who...likes to argue with me about every fucking thing. And I hate it because we both know you're smarter than me. Your favorite director is Bergman, but you tell people its Spike Lee. You love bebop, but you've got a thing for Taylor Swift. I know because my Mac picks up your Mac's library. SAM And I was so careful... GABE You like to use phrases from the thirties and wear clothes from the fifties and hairstyles from the sixties. You like to watch me when you think I'm sleeping. And trace the outlines of my face. Sam fights any signs of this moving her. Another BANG. GABE (CONT'D) You're more "Banksy" than "Barack" but you've been co-opted as some sort of revolutionary leader or something? But really you're an anarchist. A beautiful writer, artist, filmmaker, shit starter. And beautiful, in general. 70. Sam's heart beats through her chest. Her phone rings: "Mom." SAM Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. It's okay. Get some sleep. Sam hangs up. A silence hangs - followed by a loud EXHALE from Sam as she let's go of the tension she'd been holding. GABE Everything okay? SAM (happy tears) His condition's stable. GABE Good. That's good Sam. Gabe goes to exit just as Reggie BANGS again. SAM Gabe! Gabe opens the door to the very shocked Bofros and Reggie... GABE What!? ...and brushes right past them. Sam gets up and stares down the heartbroken looks on her disciples' faces. SAM I'm sorry. And with that she closes the door right on Reggie. 62 EXT. ELLINGTON TERRACE - NIGHT 62 Coco and Helmut look out over the campus from the glowing terrace atop the Library. They sip on coffee's. HELMUT New videos are picking up steam. COCO Told you I was good TV. HELMUT The show I'm scouting for... It's called Black Face / White Place. It's reality. Like a "True Life." Each episode centers on a different one of "us" in a sea of "them." 71. COCO Interesting. HELMUT Interesting? You think they want interesting? Dignified stories of triumph and survival? (off Coco's naive shrug) They want the "authentic urban experience" which is basically network talk for bitching and weave snatching. I'm telling you this because the network is looking to take one of the subjects to series. I got one episode. One shot to find that subject. So if we do this... COCO ...we do it all the way. I'm guessing Sam turned you down. HELMUT I think so. She called me a Bojangling Oofta, whatever that means. Everything else she said would've been bleeped on tv. (off Coco's laugh) So look, forty thousand hits on Youtube is good. It's not great. COCO I'm about to get a whole lot more. 63 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - DAY 63 Coco sits before a video camera. The room is dim. KURT We don't have anyone like you on staff and you had a great idea. We brought you here to -- COCO -- I want to MC it. Your party. KURT We're here to tell you what we want. COCO You want me and in order to get me, you have to let me MC. (MORE) 72. COCO (CONT'D) And I want to do a live video blog from my Youtube account. BACK TO: 64 EXT. ELLINGTON TERRACE - DAY 64 HELMUT They'd let you do that? COCO They got no choice. They need me -- BACK TO: 65 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 65 COCO -- cause without me ya'll look like a bunch of privileged assholes. KURT We don't let people video blog our events... COCO ...You got a week to put this thing together boo boo. What's it going to be? CUT TO: 66 EXT. ELLINGTON TERRACE - DAY 66 Helmut looks at Coco with a shocked gleam in his eye. COCO You look surprised. HELMUT It's just... 67 INT. TROY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 67 Troy and Lionel both type furiously at their computers in their rooms. Troy on his invite - Lionel on his article. They each look at the other in alternate intervals. HELMUT (V.O.) ...not everyone is as camera ready as you. 67A LIONEL'S ROOM 67A 73. Lionel pauses the episode of STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION on his TV and heads to... 67B KITCHEN 67B ...bar divide. Pours a bowl of cereal. He glances into Troy's room. He's also got Star Trek on. Could it be? Troy, feels Lionel's eyes on him and quickly switches it to Basketball. 67C TROY'S ROOM 67C Troy types in "KURT FLETCHER" in the "To" field and "PASTICHE SUBMISSION" in the subject field. He hits "send" and swallows the lump in his throat. 68 INT. DEANS OFFICE - DAY 68 Troy gingerly enters into the Dean's office. Martin and Dean Fairbanks talk in hushed tones around Fairbanks' desk. DEAN FAIRBANKS Martin, would you share with Troy what you shared with me? MARTIN The server that processes the voting results for House Elections has shut down the A.P. database. Saw it this morning. Apparently the intermediary program is on a refractile loop. TROY I'm a Poly Sci major man. MARTIN Sam currently has 445 votes. That's 200 more than she had last week during the actual election. TROY There's not even that many residents in Armstrong / Parker. DEAN FAIRBANKS She cheated. Hacked the system. 69 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - DAY 69 Sam sits before a giant fireplace - twice as large as the Dean's. She faces President Fletcher and fights nerves. 74. SAM I wouldn't even begin to know how to do something like that. PRESIDENT FLETCHER Is your little war really this important? Sam shifts gears slightly - he wants something from her. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) I understand the pressure to stand for something at an institution like this but you're barking up the wrong tree okay? 70 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 70 MARTIN Had to have been Reggie. Dude's in my programing class. Good. Just forgot to turn his program off. TROY Wow. MARTIN You're the rightful Head of House. TROY (shit) So great. DEAN FAIRBANKS Martin, let me talk to Troy for a bit. I appreciate this. 71 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 71 Sam glares at Fletcher. PRESIDENT FLETCHER Your advisor tells me you're hanging on by a thread in you major. Perhaps it's time to reprioritize. SAM You're trying to frighten me, but I think you're the one who's scared. 75. PRESIDENT FLETCHER And I think you long for the days where Blacks were hanging from trees and denied actual rights. Then you'd actually have something to fight against. A swell of emotion behind Sam's steel eyes. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) You will be facing two hearings in the coming weeks that could end in either Probation or Suspension. One on the merits of your show, the other on your election to Head of House. Sam is truly scared by this. PRESIDENT FLETCHER (CONT'D) Your responsibilities to your house are suspended. Your show is done for. And another one of your illegal "demonstrations" will only make matters worse. This is a critical time for this school. SAM You damn right it is. PRESIDENT FLETCHER We don't have an intolerance problem here. Except for the one I'm looking at. 72 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 72 Troy and his father are alone. DEAN FAIRBANKS You didn't tell me you and Sofia had a misunderstanding. TROY Who did? DEAN FAIRBANKS Her father. She was very upset. (off Troy's silence) Troy. What sort of vision do you have for yourself? 76. TROY Get my degree. Then Law School and then -- DEAN FAIRBANKS --And what's that got to do with partying with Kurt? With smoking weed and writing jokes? Panic flashes over Troy. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) Okay, so what? Is it the spotlight Kurt gets? You want to be on...tv or something? You know how many Black men waste their lives to get on TV? Be rappers and ball players? TROY (wanting it to be true) Dad no. I want what we always talked about. Maybe have my own firm someday? Run for office. Make a difference. Wife. Kids. I want all that. I really really do. DEAN FAIRBANKS And the drugs? God damn it Troy I taught you better than this. I have been in academia a long time, I've seen a lot of things. The men who really run this world? You got no idea what they see when they see you. You are not going to be what they all think you are. You will not give them that satisfaction, you hear me? TROY Yes sir. 73 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 73 Sam steps out of Fletcher's office into the waiting room. Kurt is there. He stands and the two silently stare the other down as Kurt enters his father's office. A SECRETARY picks up a ringing phone - prompts her to exit the room. Sam watches her sign for a delivery outside through the window. Sam slips behind the office door - quietly pushes it open and listens in. 77. PRESIDENT FLETCHER I know about the party. You picked a hell of a time. KURT What party -- PRESIDENT FLETCHER -- You're cancelling Kurt. End of story. 75 INT. BULLPEN - DAY 75 Lionel walks through the empty office - slows down as he over hears... GEORGE (O.S.) Lionel's story on the would-be protest outside of Gillespie is running tomorrow and I'm also having Lionel work on a profile piece of Armstrong/Parker like you suggested. Really break down what's going on. Lionel gingerly approaches the door to see George finish up a phone call. GEORGE (CONT'D) Right. It's almost like they recycle so much from their past - Music, food, fashion, and now turbulence. This leaves a bitter taste in Lionel's mouth. GEORGE (CONT'D) Thank you so much. Okay, take care. George can't fight his grin as he looks to Annie. ANNIE Well? GEORGE That was our Times advisor. He said it's stories like these that get editors recommendation letters. Lionel knocks on the door. Annie and George are startled but reassured when they see who it is. 78. LIONEL The Negro at the door didn't scare you this time. Annie smiles and heads for the door. ANNIE Lionel please. You're only technically Black. G, going to French. You want me to hold your seat? GEORGE Thanks. Annie smiles and walks out. LIONEL You need something? Saw your e- mail. GEORGE Yeah, I need someone to do the Donor's function on Saturday. Small dinner for the school's big givers. Administration wants a little coverage. LIONEL That's Halloween night. GEORGE Right, which is why no one else will take it. LIONEL Ah. Thus the new guy. George gathers his backpack and walks over to Lionel. Gets close. GEORGE On my way to class, but you can stay and check out last year's piece. You'll do fine. LIONEL I don't know. Are there going to be any racially fueled outbursts at this thing? GEORGE Never know right? 79. It's clear Lionel wants to say something else. George too. LIONEL Am I a good writer? GEORGE You'll get better. And we need you right now. LIONEL You're just a big recommendation away from landing the Times. GEORGE God I hope so. Lionel looks down. He is being used. Turns to go, just as -- GEORGE (CONT'D) Hey. -- George grabs Lionel unsure what he wants to say. So instead he just kisses him. GEORGE (CONT'D) I'm glad we finally got that Bugle on your chest. Lionel's all mixed up. GEORGE (CONT'D) There's a big party the night of the Donor's event. Call me after, maybe we can hang? LIONEL Yeah. Sounds good. George heads out - leaving Lionel perplexed. 76 INT. TROY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 76 Troy stares at his reflection in a mirror as he lifts his du- rag to reveal his perfectly curled finger waves. He's getting ready for something. His phone buzzes with a notification: "Message from: PASTICHE" Troy nervously clicks it open. As he reads... 80. KURT (V.O.) Dear White People. Are you tired of your hum drum, Wonderbread existence of accidental racism and wishing you could sip on Henny out yo crunk cup without a Bitch giving you the side-eye? Course you are. MONTAGE: As our subjects get ready for their evening. Troy goes back to combing over his finger waves, finding and correcting imperceptible imperfections. KURT (V.O.) For all those looking to unleash their inner Negro from years of bondage and oppression Pastiche proudly presents "Dear White People" our 89th annual Hallow's Eve Costume Party - tonight at 10 Pacific Time or 5 Colored People Time. Sorry for the short notice, but let's keep it one hun-ed. You've had us on your calendar for weeks. 76A Lionel stares into a mirror in an ill fitting suit 76A combing out his unwieldy fro. He flinches in pain as he fluffs out each section. KURT (V.O.) Dudes must rock FUBU, Ecko, Rocawear, or Sean John. XXXL is the smallest size T-Shirt you can wear, preferably with a collage of Barack Obama and Tupac on it. Stunner Shades, chains, and Blue-Tooth devices sticking out yo ears are also encouraged. 76B Coco pulls a blonde curly wig over her natural hair. She 76B smooths her tendrils to frame her face, almost pale with foundation. She begins on her eyes. KURT (V.O.) Ladies, we need to see huge hoop earrings, long nails, and cheap tight clothes. (MORE) 81. KURT (V.O.) (CONT'D) A proper hood rat starts fights, speaks loudly, and when she can't think of the word she's trying to say just makes one up, such as "edumicated." Feel free to fry up some chicken, bring Kool-Aid, Watermelon, 40s, Henny, and of course Dat Purple Drank. No bougie bitches allowed. 76C Sam removes the pins and the black power Afro pic holding 76C up her pompadour fro hair-do, and lets it fall flat around her ears. She takes in her image in the mirror. KURT (V.O.) Naturally there will be a freestyle rap competition so bring it, get yo shine on and join us for the party of the year! Oh and Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga. Boy that felt good. 77 EXT. GILLESPIE HALL - NIGHT 77 Laughter and music from the well to do event wafts outside while Troy dressed in a slick Armani tux hangs by the entrance. He smokes on Coco's one-hitter from before. Lionel steps out in his ill fitted suit, a camera in hand. The two are surprised to see each other. LIONEL Funny seeing you here. TROY Father likes to show me off at all the Donor functions. The dessert course is usually my cue to take a breather while they talk shop. (friendlier) The trick is to dazzle them into forking over their estates just before they kick the bucket. Lionel could just leave. Instead he accepts the olive branch. LIONEL So...Picard or Kirk? TROY Kirk. Wait... LIONEL I saw you watching Star -- 82. TROY -- Yo what happens in the crib stays in the crib. Not trying to get my card revoked. LIONEL Hey, some could argue that a show with Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Dorn and Kunta Kinte himself is a pretty Black show. TROY Yeah? That work out for you? LIONEL No. No it did not. At least not in High School. I bet there's a statue of you at your High School. TROY I was beloved. Won't lie. LIONEL Did they know you were a trekker? TROY My pops left a paint by numbers template for success at that High School. All I had to do was fill in the blanks. Football captain. Valedictorian. Prom King. Lionel sees a sadness in Troy. TROY (CONT'D) So what? You're growing that out? LIONEL I think it's gaining sentience. TROY It's...out there. LIONEL It's like a black hole for white people's fingers. They're obsessed. TROY You know I cut hair. Why didn't you ask me? LIONEL You're I dunno...you? 83. Behind Lionel, George and Annie pass by the steps to Gillespie. GEORGE Li! You ready man? LIONEL No costumes? I got a tux for this. ANNIE We just got out of the staff room. GEORGE Yeah, we're going as overworked. LIONEL Where is it? ANNIE Garmin House. On third I think? LIONEL Third and Basin. I know it. Before Lionel jets to join them. TROY Yo man. If I'd gone to your High School, I'd have had your back. Lionel smiles and heads after his new friends. 78 EXT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 78 Lionel pauses before his old home - now filled with the chaos of a wild party. Lionel clears his throat and heads in. 79 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 79 The party is dark and rambunctious. Lots of white kids in costume. Some as fairies or ninjas or Spiderman - but most as pimps and thugs. As Blaxploitation characters. As Barack Obama and Condi Rice. As Shaft, Ice Cube, and 2 Chainz. It's a lot for Lionel. Cups are handed to them filled with "Purple Drank." Everyone downs the stuff. INT. GILLESPIE HALL - NIGHT Troy is being appreciated by an ancient COUPLE. TROY ...my own firm. Maybe run for office. Make a difference you know? 84. The couple smile. A buzz draws Troy's eyes to his phone - photos from "Dear White People" pop up in his news feed. 80 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 80 Lionel watches as Gordon and other Pastiche crew nervously put up flyers and posters. They seem caught off guard. Lionel glances at the posters - it's Kurt with a large Afro wig mimicking Sam's "Missing Black Culture" flyers. LIONEL This is kind of fucked up. Right? GEORGE Pastiche. The world's most erudite boneheads. Who wants another round? Come on Lionel, help a brother out. LIONEL Kitchen's this way. 80A ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS 80A Coco enters the party - blinged out like Nicki Minaj. She's feeling herself as she's handed a drink. She's got eyes on her - for the first time like this at a party. But she sees the same thing Lionel saw. Her confidence starts to fight a shame that creeps up beneath her party face. She switches her iPhone to video mode... COCO Hey there muffins. How do I look? Why are white folks so obsessed with being Black? And why are Black folks so addicted to Blonde Barbie doll weaves? Honeys it's a strange symbiosis we're here to explore... Coco's voice cracks as she stares into her own image on her iPhone. She pauses it and takes a breath. 80B HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 80B Lionel leads George through the dense crowd towards the kitchen - George pulls Lionel into a hallway and into... 80C BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 80C ...the bathroom and up against the door. George inhales Lionel's lips. Runs his fingers through Lionel's hair. 85. LIONEL Ouch. GEORGE Sorry. LIONEL It's okay. Can't wait to cut all this off. GEORGE Don't you dare. George plunges his fingers into Lionel's fro once again. Pulls a touch too hard. GEORGE (CONT'D) I could eat you like a Hershey's. This sets something off in Lionel. LIONEL I'll be right back. Lionel breaks George's grasp and heads out the bathroom... LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...and back out into the party. He's trapped in a nightmare of caricatures and reveling students. Can't breathe. EXT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT Lionel squeezes his way outside. Something goes off in his head as he starts walking away from the party. Just then Kurt arrives in front of the house with some friends. Looks at Lionel then at the house. KURT What the hell? 81 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER - NIGHT 81 Lionel paces the halls. His mind churns as he passes the dining hall. Sam and Reggie are engaged in something intense. DINING HALL SAM For a genius dude you're a fucking idiot. 86. REGGIE I did it, we did it for you. SAM I didn't ask for it Reggie. I look like I betrayed this house. REGGIE Yeah? Well you betrayed me. Sam gets up and storms out - brushes past Lionel. LIONEL Sam? Can we talk? Sam turns back around fiercely. 82 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 82 A turntable is uncovered and rolled out - as a DUDE DRESSED LIKE SERENA WILLIAMS starts up a MYSTIKAL record. The crowd starts to get live now. Coco continues to make her way through the party - her face visibly perturbed by the time she reaches the kitchen. She continues out back... 83 EXT. KURT'S BACKYARD - NIGHT 83 ...and sits pulling out a cigarette. She sees Annie put on a long straight Black wig and brag to friends... ANNIE Hey who am I? "Bitch it's weave. Noun. Present tense ho!" Right in the gut. She's playing Coco. Coco grabs her phone... 84 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 84 Kurt stumbles about the party in a daze. Drunk? Folks give him props while he searches for and spots Gordon with the others. His phone rings. KURT Yeah? INTERCUT COCO Kurt, it's me. I can't do this. 87. KURT Okay, I'm fucking confused. 85 INT. SAM'S ROOM - NIGHT 85 Lionel sits across from Sam. SAM What do you want me to do? Go over there and yell at them? LIONEL Have you heard you yelling? SAM This house is filled with folks willing to take up after a cause Lionel. Believe me. Never would have guessed you'd be one of them but... LIONEL For the first time in my life, I can't just sit around and do nothing. How can you? SAM If I'm caught being a part of anything like this...it wouldn't be good for me right now okay? Lionel gets up and walks towards the door. SAM (CONT'D) I'm done being everybody's angry Black chick. Sam looks down as Lionel gets up and heads out. Sam's focus shifts to her Super 8 resting by the door and then to a bullhorn directly across from it. Her mind ticks. 86 INT. ARMSTRONG / PARKER HALL - NIGHT 86 Lionel exits and paces down the hall. He walks by the dining room - taken over by Reggie, the BoFros, and a mix of other students mostly from ARMSTRONG / PARKER. 86A DINING HALL - CONTINUOUS 86A Lionel gingerly walks in the room. He's still an outsider here - but something's changed in him. 88. LIONEL Hey. How's it going. Hi. No one answers him - just stay to their own conversations. Lionel spots a familiar face...Sungmi. LIONEL (CONT'D) Hey...what is this? SUNGMI Black Student Union. Lionel smiles shyly. He should've known that. Reggie, Curls, Dreads and the Bofros hang out at the front. DREADS Your call then man. REGGIE (to everyone) Alright ya'll - thanks for coming out tonight. Looks like Sam's not making it so...let's just call it. The crowd starts to talk amongst themselves, get up and leave. Just then Lionel stands and before he can think... LIONEL Uh. Excuse me. Hi. I'm Lionel. Some of you...none of you probably know me. I've never been to a meeting. But I just came back from a party on campus and I think you should know about it. Lionel's nerves can be heard in his voice now. He's got the judging eyes of the room fixed silently on him. He sees an open laptop on a desk. LIONEL (CONT'D) Anybody mind if I? Reggie shifts a bit as Lionel goes to the laptop and pulls up the party on Facebook. The crowd gathers around as Lionel browses through the photos. LIONEL (CONT'D) I mean...I don't know. This is fucked up right? REGGIE Alright brother. What's the plan? 89. Lionel realizes the eyes aren't judging. They're mobilizing. Readying for action. Lionel steels himself. LIONEL We go over there. Now. CURLS Think there's enough of us? SUNGMI You know you don't have a monopoly on being a pissed off minority. Latino's United is meeting across the hall. Asian American League too. (off the stares) You guys got better snacks. 87 INT. GILLESPIE HALL - NIGHT 87 Troy scrolls through an endless amount of Facebook uploads from the party. Forties, bad Afro wigs, fake asses. Shoved in between two RICH OLD WELL TO DOS at a long table covered in empty plates and glasses - Troy looks across to his father, in mid exaggerated guffaw with President Fletcher. TROY Dad... DEAN FAIRBANKS Not now Troy. TROY It's important. There's something happening on campus. I might've... DEAN FAIRBANKS You're being rude son. Dean Fairbanks turns away. Troy ponders a moment and then-- TROY Oh am I? How about I tell your precious donors and anyone here who'll listen about the kind of a school it is they're giving to? The Dean can feel the eyes of the Donors and the President on him - an outrage comes over him as he pulls Troy aside. 90. DEAN FAIRBANKS I don't know who you think you are young man but you don't get to talk to your father any kind of way. TROY All I say to you is yes sir and no sir! Look I should've brought this up before but -- (off Fairbanks dismissal) -- listen to me! Dean Fairbanks tries to cover this moment with a smile. 88 INT. KURT'S KITCHEN - NIGHT 88 Kurt, still dazed, huddles with his core Pastiche group. KURT What? GORDON Yeah dude. We all got it. I mean, everything's cool right? A noise in the other room startles them... 88A LIVING ROOM 88A ...It's Reggie who knocks over a bowl of chips. Dreads argues with a few people. Martin rips shades off a kid's face. The party swarms with BSU kids and their Latino / Asian allies. A SMASH yanks Kurt's attention back to the kitchen... 88B KITCHEN 88B ...where Lionel smashes bottles of liquor in the sink. KURT Lionel? Kurt yanks the booze from Lionel and shoves him. KURT (CONT'D) The fuck you think you're doing man? Lionel shoves Kurt into the bar divide. A few of the BSU kids flood into the kitchen and hold Kurt back. KURT (CONT'D) That all you got? 91. LIONEL We're putting an end to this Kurt. KURT Fuck you I'm calling the cops. MARTIN Half of this crowd is under 21. A loud AMP sound alerts everyone to the DJ platform in the Living Room. 88C LIVING ROOM 88C Mitch has taken over the mic. MITCH Gimme that mic Before I slap ya Looking for some dykes, that wanna another chapta. If you do me slow, you can do me faster, I'll pass you to the Nigga on my right, he gets you after. LIONEL Kurt-- KURT -- Why don't you tuck your tail between your legs, run and tell the Dean and get the fuck out. Lionel sinks from this attack while his posse from BSU watches helplessly as the party goes back into full swing. Lionel turns to go and spots... ...George who joins Annie, fresh beer in hand. But right behind George is... ...Sam, having just arrived with her camera in hand pointed at the rap battle. She winks at Lionel. Lionel turns around - summons something from deep inside. Lionel steps onto the DJ platform and snatches the mic out of one of the rapper's hands. LIONEL Heyyyy! Hoooo! Heyyy! Hooo! 92. The crowd is with it - thinks it's part of the show as Lionel proceeds to freestyle terribly... LIONEL (CONT'D) My name is Lionel, Some people call me Li. Lots of people think that I talk kinda white. Well that's alright. Yeah that's cool. I'd rather you think I'm white, than tap dance for you. With that Lionel takes the mic and SMASHES it on the wall. He then takes the turntable by his hands and flips it over. Sparks fly - the amp goes crazy - the crowd is in shock. Lionel grabs a speaker tower and slams it to the ground. Lionel's off the platform now. Kurt grabs him - Reggie pushes Kurt away in his defense. Gordon grabs Reggie - A FIGHT BREAKS OUT. More equipment is slammed to the ground and stomped on as the party disintegrates into chaos. Sam dodges fights to capture it all with the camera. Art is being ripped from the walls. Dishes being smashed on the ground. Arguments come to physical blows. The steel in Sam's gaze fades. Replaced by...heartbreak? And then she spots... ...Coco squeezing her way through the crowd for the door. Sam's camera and mic stay trained on Coco. COCO What? Say it. Come on. Sam stays silent. COCO (CONT'D) This may come as a shock, but these people don't give a fuck about no Harriet muthafuckin Tubman. They pay millions of dollars on their tans, their lips, their asses, Jay- Z tickets, you name it, cause they wanna be us. (MORE) 93. COCO (CONT'D) So they got to be for a night.I'm not about to go out into the streets in protest of a Halloween party. Sam keeps her mouth shut and her camera rolling as Coco realizes it's herself she's trying to convince. Coco storms off. Sam exhales and lowers her camera. This is new for her. Keeping her mouth shut. 89 EXT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 89 Coco trudges down the side walk - yanks off her hair, her lashes, her bling - shedding the shame of the night. 90 EXT. KURT'S YARD - NIGHT 90 Kurt hustles Lionel out into the yard. Kurt shoves him to the ground. KURT Dude. I know you can't help it... Lionel just gets back up again only to be slammed down. KURT (CONT'D) ...but why are you such a fag dude? Lionel spits in Kurt's face and pops right back up again. We see it in his eyes - he'll never give up. Kurt's hand is on Lionel's collar. He pushes him down again. Kids are all around - some from the BSU - some from Pastiche - some from the Bugle. Everyone holds an opposite party back. Lionel looks over at his audience and then into Kurt's eyes. Lionel leans in and kisses Kurt on the mouth long and hard. LIONEL Finally got me where you want me. Kurt's in shock. He looks at his crew who laugh at him. Lionel sees the surprise in the eyes of his new supporters as well. No time to soak this in though. Kurt's let up. For a moment. Lionel turns back to Kurt and PUNCHES him in the face. The BSU kids go CRAZY in support. The shock gone - Kurt damn near knocks Lionel out. The world goes all slow motion and out of focus. Lionel sort of makes out that Kurt is yanked off him. 94. Kids run in different directions - Flashlights fill the yard - One is shone directly on Lionel. CAMPUS SAFETY GUARDS and a couple POLICE OFFICERS surround him. 91 INT. KURT'S HOUSE - NIGHT 91 The motor on Sam's Super 8 ticks away. The party is at a complete standstill. Troy enters and looks around in disbelief. Makes eye contact with Kurt who is being held by a Campus Safety Officer. Dean Fairbanks enters and stands in the middle of the chaos. Sam tip toes in for a close up and holds out a small mic. DEAN FAIRBANKS What is all this? 92 INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT 92 A SERIES OF SHOTS FROM A MOVIE BEING PROJECTED ON A SCREEN We see the Dean looking about the party with disappointment. CUT TO: 92A KURT looking bewildered outside his house after the 92A party. We hear BOOS from a crowd. The carnage is devastating. Windows are blown out - trash and destroyed furniture on the lawn. Ash where fires were put out. KURT I didn't do this. Sam. I had nothing to do with this. CUT TO: 92B MORNING NEWS 92B ANCHOR What some are calling a "race war" has erupted at one of the nation's oldest and most prestigious -- CUT TO: 92 GILLESPIE FORUM now filled with students who sit before 92 Dean Fairbanks and President Fletcher for a Town Hall. Everyone wears a look of outrage. 95. DEAN FAIRBANKS We don't condone this egregious event and are investigating its origins. The president and I are looking at ways to address issues of Diversity at Manchester. REGGIE HOUSING REFORM! Applause breaks out amongst the crowd. But so do boos. CUT TO: 93 VARIOUS SPOTS AROUND CAMPUS. Students address the camera. 93 MITCH I'm sorry but it's bullshit. Yo this is how we get down. If you can't take a joke in this day and age? The fact we can joke about it proves we've moved on you feel me? This is an attack on free speech! We're the victims here! CUT TO: 93A A series of Busts have been PAINTED IN BLACK FACE outside 93A of Armstrong / Parker where Lionel address the camera... LIONEL It's hard enough for us to even get into a school like this. Let alone succeed. Find our way. This is only a debate because of who Kurt's dad is, which just proves the point. All you did was have a radio show and look what happened to you. CUT TO: 93B COCO as she talks directly to camera. 93B COCO I know this may come as a shock, but nobody gives a fuck about no Harriet muthafuckin Tubman...they wanna be us. So they got to be for a night. CUT TO: 96. 93C A POSTER featuring Troy rendered like the famous Shepard 93C Fairy Obama posters with the words "A NEW HOPE" written at the bottom as well as "TROY BROUSSARD FOR PRESIDENT." This gets some more applause from the crowd watching. TROY Of course I got my dad involved. It was the right thing to do. I didn't mean for all this to happen. All the posters and everything. SAM (O.S.) But you'd welcome it? A shot for school president. TROY I think...I'd make more than few people happy if I ran. CUT TO: 93D RADIO BOOTH - where Sam puts her headphones on. She 93D lingers. SAM (V.O.) Even though I'd been expressly forbidden to do so, I wanted to do one last show. Something to sum up the moment. To savor in the pop of the post racial bubble just burst. SAM Dear White People... SAM (V.O.) I wanted to react. Sam takes in a thoughtful breath before... SAM ...Know what? Nevermind. She fades in a melancholy piece of Be-Bop before hanging her headpones up as the title on the projected movie fades in: "...BLACK FACES BY SAMANTHA WHITE" Sam stares nervously at the screen as the lights come on, when all at once the room BREAKS INTO APPLAUSE. Sam turns to see that the entire room is on it's feet including Prof Bodkin and Gabe. 97. 94 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY 94 Dean Fairbanks loosens his tie, flanked by several SCHOOL OFFICIALS. They've been here for hours listening to... KURT Once I heard what the group was planning, I sent out an email to the staff to cancel it. You have the email printed in front of you. DEAN FAIRBANKS Who's this? Kurt turns to a SUITED MAN next to him. KURT My lawyer. CUT TO: 94B We'll be cross cutting between several of these sessions. 94B COCO So when I got the invite and saw everyone clicking "yes" I figured it was back on. DEAN FAIRBANKS You were hoping to make the staff? COCO ... CUT TO: DEAN FAIRBANKS At what point in time did you show up to the event? 94C Sam sits with arms folded. 94C DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) Samantha. Please. SAM Why am I even here? CUT TO: KURT 94 Guys throw parties at the house all 94 the time. 98. DEAN FAIRBANKS We know you were planning this. KURT Your son tell you that? CUT TO: 94D Fairbanks stares down his son. Troy is silent and anxious. 94D DEAN FAIRBANKS (reading) "...wishing you could sip on Henny out yo crunk cup without a Bitch giving you the side-eye?" (and then) You write this Troy? Troy looks up at his father embarrassed. TROY No. Mine wasn't chosen. DEAN FAIRBANKS But you wanted to be? TROY What I wanted didn't matter then. Why should it matter now? I told you about the party, remember? CUT TO: DEAN FAIRBANKS 94 The invite came from the Pastiche 94 Facebook account. KURT I loathe Facebook. An OFFICIAL whispers something in Fairbanks' ear. KURT (CONT'D) You've got to believe me. DEAN FAIRBANKS You've used that line on me before this year Mr. Fletcher. When a homophobic message mysteriously appeared on a voice mail line you shared with a roommate. CUT TO: 99. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) What were your intentions when you went back the second time? LIONEL To stop it. DEAN FAIRBANKS By any means necessary? LIONEL Someone once told me...Manchester is like jazz. I don't know much about jazz. But from what I can tell, when your solo's up, you better blow. Fairbanks fights a smile. CUT TO: 94C SAM 94C All I did that night was hit record brother. The Dean takes a gulp from a glass of water. He stands and looks out his huge windows onto the campus below. CUT TO: 94E The Dean has Facebook opened on his computer. Officials 94E are taking a break. Drinking water. Discussing the day. The Dean tries a few passwords. CUT TO: 94C DEAN FAIRBANKS 94C Want to hear something strange? The Dean turns from the window. DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) The Pastiche group page hadn't been used for months, until the invite went out. CUT TO: 94E The Dean tries a different password. Still invalid. 94E CUT TO: 100. 94C SAM 94C Fascinating. DEAN FAIRBANKS Well what's interesting is how easy it was to access the group before the note was sent. The password was "Pa$tiche" spelled with a dollar sign according to Kurt. Seems recently it's been changed. CUT TO: 94E The Dean tries one more. It works. 94E CUT TO: 94C DEAN FAIRBANKS (CONT'D) 94C Couldn't figure it out at first. Then I thought to try something. Five, seven, eight, three, five, twenty six, one, nine, four, six. Eleven numbers. Just like our student ID numbers. Just like your student ID number. SAM As much as you hate him, you will stop at nothing to protect your master and his boy. DEAN FAIRBANKS Did you send out the invite Sam? SAM That invite, whoever sent it should've been met with derision and outrage. Instead, a hundred people showed up and they pulled out posters and decorations and costumes they'd made for just such an occasion. Sam and Dean Fairbanks at a stalemate. Silence falls in the room. The Dean's mind ticks. 95 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 95 A pack of EMERALD BUGLE newspapers hit the stand with the headline: "INVESTIGATION INCONCLUSIVE! FLETCHER GOES FREE. NO EXPULSIONS MADE" 101. Next to it is another stack of papers from the INDEPENDENT OBSERVER. The headline reads: "EBONY & IVY: CAN THERE BE HARMONY? BY LIONEL HIGGINS." George picks up a copy of the Observer and starts to read... 96 INT. TROY AND LIONEL'S APARTMENT - DAY 96 Lionel flips through his own article as well. A satisfied grin on his face as a razor makes its way through his hair. LIONEL 2 Chainz? Shaft? While endless complex depictions of whites, white men in particular exist - there aren't that many versions of us in the culture. His locks waft towards the ground as Troy styles a fresh and fearless fro-hawk atop Lionel's head. LIONEL (CONT'D) Culture has a powerful way of telling people what they can and can't be. For people of color the options are rather limited. TROY Next James Baldwin up in here. Wait hold on a sec. Star Trek is back from commercial break. Troy and Lionel watch in silence. 97 EXT. MANCHESTER UNIVERSITY - DAY 97 Gabe is just about finished with Lionel's article too. Looks up just in time to see... GABE Hello Sam. Sam sneers at his formalities. GABE (CONT'D) Read about Armstrong / Parker. SAM Yeah. Prez made an executive withdrawal. Armstrong stays Black. GABE Congrats? 102. SAM (with a shrug) Getting too dramatic man. Thinking about getting an apartment off campus. We'll see. GABE Sam going against the grain? Shocked. How's papa White? SAM He's recovering. GABE Good. Well... Gabe fights the urge to hug her. SAM We were actually on the phone last night for hours. First time we talked since the bypass. He was putting up a strong front. Teasing me about being so worried. Then came the stories about me as a little girl I'd heard a thousand times. About how independent I was. Gabe smiles politely. Senses she needs a moment. GABE Want to talk about it? SAM My mother worked nights so he would take me to school. And it pissed me off because he would follow me all the way to homeroom. Every time he tried to hold my hand I'd scream and pull away. He thought I was just being...difficult. A hint of recognition in Gabe. Is this about them? SAM (CONT'D) But it was the kids. And the parents and the teachers. They'd see this Black girl and this white man and wonder what we were doing together. Even at nine I could feel their eyes on me. Especially at nine. It brought tears to my eyes. Gabe's stone face melts at this. 103. SAM (CONT'D) I was just a bratty girl, didn't know any better but-- The thought of losing him-- You know? I just feel so bad. How awful am I to do that to him? To anyone I love? Gabe gets it. This is an explanation. An apology, to him. His arm is on her shoulder now. GABE I'm sure he forgives you. SAM Think so? Gabe nods. Sam's normal defenses come back up lest she cries. SAM (CONT'D) So anyway. I didn't mean to say all of that. I don't know why I did. GABE Sam. Where are you going? SAM I don't know. Lunch? Gabe starts to walk with her. GABE Isn't it Mac and Cheese day at Armstrong/Parker? SAM Think they'll let you in? Gabe smiles. They walk a bit. Then he grabs her hand. Sam lets the moment happen. Squeezes his back. They look into each others' eyes. Don't even notice as Reggie and the Bofros pass them by. 98 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 98 Coco sits across from Helmut. He's got his eyes on a Youtube clip from Sam's movie featuring Coco. COCO (YOUTUBE) I know this may come as a shock, but they don't give a fuck about no Harriet muthafuckin Tubman... 104. HELMUT Two hundred thousand views. Look they even auto-tuned it. With a click Helmut pulls it up. AUTOTUNED COCO (YOUTUBE) Muthafuckin Tubman! Muthatfuckin Tubman! Don't give a fuck about no muthafuckin Tubman! Coco's not sure what to think. HELMUT Couple months, that's how long shooting for an episode takes. We recommend you cut your course load in half to accommodate the schedule. COCO Half? HELMUT Trust me it it'll read "full-time" in the episode. If...once we go to series, we might have to figure out a summer schedule. COCO For shooting? HELMUT For uh...classes and stuff. Won't be graduating early anymore sweetheart. Helmut shifts a contract over to Coco. HELMUT (CONT'D) Five grand for the episode. Twenty each if you get picked up for series. What do you say? Coco stares at the contract and back at Helmut. HELMUT (CONT'D) Trust me sweetie it's the same out there as it is in here. Good news is? Against all that damn white you and I? We pop. Think I wanted to be the go-to producer for all things Black? 105. Coco shrugs. HELMUT (CONT'D) Tell you what's worse though. Being that broke Nigga stuck on the south side of Chicago. Hundred and Fiftieth street. Coco takes a deep breath. Stares right into his eyes -- 99 EXT. MANCHESTER - DAY 99 Coco exits a building and spots Troy up ahead. He's flanked by his former enemies turned supporters, Reggie and the other BoFros. They all carry Troy's "New Hope" posters. COCO Made some new friends? Troy shrugs as Coco grabs for his hand. He pulls away and shares a glance with Reggie, who doesn't approve. COCO (CONT'D) Fine. TROY Come on Coco. COCO Fuck you. Coco starts to walk ahead. TROY My dad saw your videos. He's a little worried about -- COCO -- how it'll look. With your campaign and all. What's your best friend Reggie think? Troy motions for Reggie to go on ahead. TROY We had fun, alright? COCO I get everyone else wants you to win Troy. But do you? Troy doesn't know how to answer that. He stares at the triumphant, winning version of himself on his poster. 106. Coco's eyes shift longingly as she walks ahead - unsure of who she is at the moment and who she will be in the next. Watching her is Lionel and Sam - sitting with Gabe and Sungmi. They both know that look well... SAM Hey Lionel. With me out and Troy moving on - A/P's going to need a new head of house. LIONEL Think there's a story there? Who do you think it'll be? Sam and Sungmi share a glance and stare right at Lionel. LIONEL (CONT'D) What? No. SUNGMI Everyone loves you. Won't be hard to rally the vote. SAM Yeah. We got you man. Lionel takes in this moment. One of complete acceptance. 100 INT. FLETCHERS OFFICE - DAY 100 Fairbanks turns from the window in Fletcher's office to join him at his desk. They're all ears as they look across to... HELMUT Let me get this straight. First you tried to break up the Black house. Then you took down the sister with the little radio show. And after all that, your kid throws a Blackface party? FLETCHER Now wait a minute! HELMUT You thought you were having money problems before? Wait till cable gets their hands on this story. Bill Maher is gon' fuck you up! FLETCHER I have heard enough -- 107. HELMUT -- Wait I'm sorry. Look from where I'm sitting this place is a goldmine. DEAN FAIRBANKS What? HELMUT For one we got to show the events that led up to the party -- DEAN FAIRBANKS -- That already happened. HELMUT Well yeah, but we can reenact -- DEAN FAIRBANKS -- reenact? HELMUT Documentary term...Look, I can start putting together an overall deal today. I'm talking real money! Turns out the one thing America likes in it's reality more than ignant Black folks, is crazy racist White people! DEAN FAIRBANKS Now you look here. This is an honorable institution. The idea that we would so much as entertain this suggestion -- Fletcher holds his hand up. His turn to speak. FLETCHER How much we talking? Fairbanks' outrage turns to resignation as Helmut, the one winner here smiles. Dollar signs in his eyes. 100 CUT TO BLACK. 100

DEATH AT A FUNERAL Written by Chris Rock & Aeysha Carr Based on "Death at a Funeral" by Dean Craig 02/6/09 FADE IN: MUSIC CUE: "DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY" by Bobby McFerrin plays as we BEGIN CREDITS INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY We pan across a room filled with caskets. EXT. CHURCH - DAY People somberly walk into a church. EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY We see the signs outside of various funeral homes. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY We close in on a HEADSTONE that reads: "DEATH AT A FUNERAL". EXT. CHURCH - DAY ASIAN PALL BEARERS carry a coffin into a church. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY We push in on another headstone that reads: "Starring Chris Rock". As we push through the cemetery, we see various co- stars' names chiseled on headstones. We see a fleet of hearses driving through a cemetery. INT. FLORIST - DAY We see a FLORIST making a funeral arrangement. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY CLOSE UP of another headstone that has the director's name chiseled on it. END CREDITS INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY MUSIC CUE: The music fades out. TIGHT SHOT on AARON (CHRIS ROCK) thirties, dressed in a black suit and tie. He looks straight ahead with a somber expression. The camera pulls back to reveal he is watching FOUR UNDERTAKERS (INCLUDING BRIAN) place a coffin on a raised platform. (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: The living room has been prepared for the funeral service, with several rows of chairs laid out. BRIAN Would you like to see... Aaron nods his head "yes", as BRIAN begins to open the coffin. Aaron crosses to the coffin. There's a dramatic moment as Aaron moves to the coffin and braces himself for what he's about to see. The coffin opens and Aaron stares long and hard at the body. AARON Brian... who is that? BRIAN Excuse me? AARON Who is this man I'm looking at? 'Cause it's not my father. BRIAN Are you sure? AARON Are you asking me if I'm sure I know what my father looks like? BRIAN People make mistakes in times of grief. AARON Man, look at the damn body! Brian peers into the coffin. We see it's an ASIAN MAN. BRIAN Oh shit! The other undertakers look embarrassed. AARON Come on, Brian. You know what my father looks like. He used to take you to little league. BRIAN I'm sorry, man. I got a little nervous. This almost never happens. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: (2) AARON It's happened before?! You mean this is a normal thing?... This isn't Burger King. You can't just mess up my order. BRIAN I think I know where he is. AARON You think? CUT TO: INT. ASIAN FUNERAL - SAME TIME Close up of the casket opening. People look confused. The MAN looking into the coffin speaks Chinese with subtitles. ASIAN MAN (IN CHINESE) That's not my father. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME AARON I better .,see my dad in this coffin in an hour, or you're going to take his place. The undertakers pick up the coffin and shuffle out awkwardly. BRIAN Don't worry. I'll get him, man. AARON You do that. (TO HIMSELF) My people, my people, my people... INT. BEDROOM - DAY Aaron enters the bedroom. His wife, MICHELLE, also thirties, attractive, is putting on makeup with a thermometer hanging from her mouth. Aaron stands looking dumbfounded. AARON They brought the wrong body. Can you believe that? (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: MICHELLE (muffled because of THERMOMETER) The wrong body?! Do they know where he is? AARON They think so. They're getting him now. The thermometer beeps and Michelle removes it from her mouth.. MICHELLE I told you not to use Marshals. But no, you wanted to keep it in the neighborhood. I know Swartz costs a little more, but at least they know where the bodies are. Michelle writes something down on a piece of paper as Aaron crosses the room and sits on the bed. AARON You were right. Please don't rub it in, not today. I've got so much to worry about. Michelle gets up and heads to the bathroom as Aaron takes out some index cards and looks them over. AARON (CONT'D) Dad insisted on having the funeral here, Mom's crying all the time, Ryan didn't help with anything, not like he ever does! Plus my eulogy sucks. I can't wait until this day is over. MICHELLE (O.S.) Oh come on, honey. I'm sure it's not that bad. AARON If it is, at least Dad's too dead to hear it. Michelle exits the bathroom. MICHELLE Honey, it's going to be fine. (CONTINUED) 5 CONTINUED: (2) AARON It doesn't matter what I write. All anybody's going to be thinking is "why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? Even I'm going to be thinking it. She holds him close. MICHELLE Baby, you're the oldest. You have to do the eulogy. Besides, I think you're just as good a writer as your brother. You just need to let someone read your book. Aaronlooks away. AARON Soon. It's not ready to be read yet. MICHELLE I'm sure it's fine. Once the funeral's over, and everything dies DOWN-- Aaron gives her a look. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Sorry. Look, once this is all over, you know your mom's thinking about selling the house, so you know we've got to get out.of here. Aaron looks a little uncomfortable and heads to the bathroom. MICHELLE (CONT'D) You called them, right? Silence from Aaron in the next room. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Aaron?... You put the down payment on the condo, right? AARON (O.C.) I said I'd take care of it and I'll take care of it. Michelle looks frustrated and crosses into the bathroom. 6. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron is at the mirror. MICHELLE You better, because I can't live with your mother anymore. I've done my time, now it's time for your brother to take over. From now on, it's only Christmas and birthdays for us. Once we move, we can concentrate on your writing and our baby. Michelle gets down on her knees and starts unzipping Aaron's pants. Aaron pulls back. AARON Hey, hey, hey. Are you serious? We have to do this today? Michelle is still on the ground. MICHELLE Yes. Today's the last day of this cycle. AARON Can I at least find the body first? EXT. FREEWAY - WIDE SHOT - DAY We see NORMAN'S CAR speeding along the freeway. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - DAY NORMAN, black, slightly heavier and riddled with anxiety, is driving. His friend, DEREK, an attractive, white, clean cut doctor, rides in the passenger seat. NORMAN I hate funerals. It's all death, death, death. DEREK I don't think funerals are designed for anybody to really like. NORMAN I don't want a regular funeral. When I die, I want people to celebrate my life. (CONTINUED) Death at a Funeral 02/6/09 CONTINUED: DEREK Not me. I want it to be the saddest day ever. I want the stock market to stop. Schools to close. And no garbage pick-up. Derek starts to light a cigarette. NORMAN You still smoke? DEREK You used to smoke. NORMAN I used to piss my pants too, but I stopped. The only thing I want black is my skin. At least open the window. Derek opens the window very slightly. NORMAN (CONT'D) I've got enough problems of my own to deal with. DEREK (DUBIOUS) Yeah? What problems? NORMAN I told you... About the rash... DEREK Got to use condoms. NORMAN .on my hand... DEREK Still got to use condoms. NORMAN Look at it. Norman pulls up his sleeve and makes Derek look at his wrist, but he doesn't take a great deal of interest. DEREK That's not a rash. NORMAN What is it? (CONTINUED) B. CONTINUED: (2) DEREK I don't know, but it doesn't look right. NORMAN Oh, damn. Norman continues to drive. Derek continues to smoke. NORMAN (CONT'D) If you hate funerals so much why are you coming? DEREK You know why. NORMAN Come on, man, leave Elaine alone. DEREK I can't. She's the one. NORMAN So you're going to win her back over a dead body? DEREK If I have to. INT. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY ELAINE, very attractive, 27, and her boyfriend OSCAR, white, 35, are driving along wearing funeral attire. Oscar looks quite anxious as he keeps his eyes firmly on the road. ELAINE Are you okay? OSCAR Yeah, just a little nervous... ELAINE About seeing my dad? OSCAR I just don't think I've ever been so openly hated by anyone before. ELAINE He doesn't hate you. He just loved Derek. (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: OSCAR Great. That makes me feel much better. ELAINE At least you know it's not you, so try not to get so nervous when he's around. OSCAR I can't help it. He puts me on edge. I feel like I owe him money. ELAINE He's going to be more.concerned that his brother-in-law just died. He won't be focused on you. Anyway, when I tell him we're getting married, he'll have to accept you. Elaine takes his hand. As they exchange a loving look, Oscar takes his eyes off the road for just a brief moment. Suddenly there's a BUMP!!! And we see a bicyclist flying over Oscar's car. Oscar screeches to a halt. They jump out of the car. OSCAR Oh my God. Are you okay? The guy gets up. He's fine. BIKE GUY Yeah, I'm fine. OSCAR Are you sure? Is anything broken? I'm so sorry. BIKE GUY It was my fault. I ran a light. Oscar starts hyperventilating. OSCAR I could have killed you. What if you had cracked your head open? I'd have blood on my hands! Elaine shakes him. ELAINE Oscar, calm down! (BEAT) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: (2) ELAINE (CONT'D) You heard the man, he ran a light. Come on, let's get out of here before he wants to sue. She grabs him and pulls him into the car. INT. BATHROOM - DAY The camera is close on Michelle's head which is moving back and forth. We pull back to reveal Aaron. They are doing it standing up. MICHELLE What's taking you so long? AARON I just started. MICHELLE You want this baby as much me. Come on. AARON I'm trying. MICHELLE If I didn't want you to come, you would have done it five minutes ago. AARON Do I have to do this today? The door opens and a HOUSEKEEPER sticks her head in. HOUSEKEEPER Who's picking up Uncle Russell?-- Aaron and Elaine quickly pull apart. As the Housekeeper steps back out into the hall. AARON Oh shit, Uncle Russell. Aaron fixes his pants as he exits the room. INT. NORMAN'S CAR MOVING - DAY Norman's cell phone RINGS. He answers. NORMAN Hello?... How are you?... Okay.. 11. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS AARON I need you to pick up Uncle Russell. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS NORMAN Uncle Russell?! Damn! He's always in a bad mood. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS AARON It's not a mood if he's always in it. It's his personality. Can you do it? INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS NORMAN Alright... 'Alright. I'll do it. See you soon. Bye. Norman hangs up irritated. EXT. WIDE SHOT OF A FREEWAY - DAY We see Norman's car exiting the freeway. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Michelle are standing to the side as the undertakers place the coffin on the stand. Brian nervously lifts the lid and Aaron looks inside. BRIAN (RESPECTFUL) So is this your father? AARON Come on, man. You know that's my father. BRIAN Just trying to be professional. What up, Michelle? MICHELLE (DRYLY) Brian. (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: He closes the lid and all four undertakers quietly head off. Aaron looks up and sees his mother, Cynthia, has entered the room. Cynthia is clearly drained and tired. She stares at the coffin. AARON Mom, how are you feeling? CYNTHIA There were so many things we wanted to do... We were going to go to China. AARON China? You don't even like Chinese food. CYNTHIA That's not the point. I haven't been feeling good. Who knows how long I'm going to live without him. It happens all the time. One spouse goes and then the next. I mean, it might be different if I had a grandchild to take my mind off of everything. MICHELLE Cynthia, I-- They all cross to the coffin. AARON (cuts Michelle off) Come on, Mom. You're healthy. You'll be fine. You've got your friends and family... Cynthia, Aaron and Michelle stand around the coffin. CYNTHIA Where is Ryan? Have you heard from him? AARON He'll be here soon. CYNTHIA Just seeing that boy's face makes me feel better. I've missed him so much. My baby. (CONTINUED) 13. CONTINUED: (2) She looks down at the coffin. Aaron turns away frustrated. Michelle gently touches the coffin. MICHELLE Do you need anything, Cynthia? CYNTHIA Yeah, you can get your hand off my husband's coffin. You're leaving smudge marks. Michelle tries to wipe it off with her sleeve. EXT. STREET - JEFF'S HOUSE - DAY MUSIC: "PAPER PLANE" by M.I.A. Elaine and Oscar are walking up the stairs of a typical college apartment building. INT. JEFF'S HOUSE - SAME The music is coming from Jeff's speakers. JEFF, dressed for the funeral, sits at his desk. He's holding a pill bottle that says: "VALIUM." JEFF Yeah, I found them. The ones in the Valium bottle?... Yeah... I'll get them to you this evening... Can't do this afternoon... It's your fault you left them here... I've got a funeral... My uncle died... Yeah, tragic... No, I haven't taken any. I saw what they did to you... What are they anyway?... The doorbell rings. JEFF (CONT'D) I've gotta go, my sister's here... I'll take them with me and stop by after the funeral... Bye. The doorbell rings again. JEFF (CONT'D) Hang on! Jeff stands up and we see that he's only half dressed for the funeral. He doesn't have any pants on. (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: He puts the bottle on the counter then crosses to the door and lets Elaine and Oscar inside. JEFF (CONT'D) Hey, what's up? ELAINE Do you always open the door half naked? Come on, Jeff. We're going to be late. JEFF I've just got to put my pants on and I'm ready. Oscar is still a little shaky. JEFF (CONT'D) (RE: OSCAR) Is he okay? ELAINE Oscar's freaked out. A guy on a bike ran into the car. OSCAR It came out of nowhere. I didn't see him. I'm sorry. ELAINE It's okay, baby. (then to Jeff) Go put your damn pants on. JEFF I'm going. I'm going. Jeff heads off to the bathroom and closes the door. Elaine spots the bottle of Valium on the table and picks it up. ELAINE Here. Take this..: It'll calm you down. OSCAR What is it? ELAINE It's just Valium. (gets a glass of water) I used to take them all the time... It'll make you feel better, promise. (CONTINUED) 15. CONTINUED: (2) I OSCAR Are you sure? I mean, I've got to drive. ELAINE It'll be okay. I'll drive, honey. Come on, open wide. She pops the pill in his mouth and hands him some water. Oscar swallows. Jeff returns wearing pants. JEFF Ready. Let's do it. Oscar and Elaine leave, Jeff surreptitiously picks up the Valium bottle, puts it in his pocket, then follows them out. INT/EXT. ENTRY WAY - SAME TIME CAMERA is in the entry way now shooting outside. A TOWN CAR exits, leaving Ryan in front of the house. RYAN, Aaron's younger brother is taller, more confident, and more successful. He moves slowly towards CAMERA and through the front doorway as CAMERA PULLS BACK with him. RYAN Hello! Mom! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Michelle, Aaron and Cynthia are on the couch as Ryan enters the living room. CYNTHIA Ryan! Cynthia runs over to Ryan and flings her arms around him. Aaron looks a bit lost in the background with Michelle but they walk over. RYAN I know this is hard, Mom. But you're going to be okay. CYNTHIA You always know exactly what to say, Ryan. I'm so glad you're here. RYAN I'm always here for you, Mom. (CONTINUED) 16. CONTINUED: AARON I guess if people died every week, we'd see you all the time. Ryan turns to Aaron and Michelle. RYAN Aaron, how are you? AARON I'm alright. MICHELLE How was the flight? RYAN Okay. I had to buy the seat next to me because I don't trust the airlines with my bags. And there was a lot of turbulence... I guess that's the thing about flying first class. It doesn't matter how much you pay if the plane crashes, you still end up dead-- uh... Ryan realizes what he's said and stops speaking abruptly. It's too much for Cynthia who rushes upstairs. AARON "End up dead"? RYAN Oh damn. MICHELLE I'll make sure she's okay. Michelle heads off upstairs. EXT. LAKEVIEW RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - SAME TIME We see Norman's car turn into "Lakeview Retirement Community." He drives past the sign and through a gate. INT. NORMAN'S CAR/EXT. LAKEVIEW - DAY Norman is driving behind three OLD LADIES on mobile chairs. He's honking at them. He finally sees Uncle Russell. NORMAN There he is. (CONTINUED) 17. CONTINUED: DEREK You didn't tell me the guy was in a wheelchair. UNCLE RUSSELL, an elderly man in a wheelchair, sits in his chair. Norman drives forward and stops alongside the old man. He rolls down his window and speaks very slowly with a huge smile on his face. NORMAN (OVER ENUNCIATING) Hello, Uncle Russell. How are you? We're here to take you to the funeral. UNCLE RUSSELL Where the fuck have you been, you fat bastard? You're late. If you took any longer I'd be dead, too. The fake smile falls off Norman's face. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan sees the coffin and slowly heads over with Aaron trailing behind. He stands over the coffin. It finally registers that his DAD is actually in there. RYAN It's hard to see Dad like this. But he's in a better place now. AARON When does dead beat sick? RYAN I guess you're right. This is why I try not to get close to people. There's too much emotion involved. AARON Well that explains why you never call. RYAN What do you want me to say? Some families talk to each other all the time, some just see each other at funerals. That's us. AARON I guess it is. (CONTINUED) 18 CONTINUED: Ryan takes a seat in one of the chairs flanking the coffin. Aaron sits as well. AARON (CONT'D) By the way, I'm going to need that money. RYAN What money? AARON The money for all this... the funeral. You're supposed to pay half. RYAN What about the insurance? AARON That's Mom's money. RYAN What about the pension? AARON That's Mom's money. RYAN Oh. AARON So we're spliting the cost. RYAN Are we? AARON Yes. We are. RYAN Oh, okay. AARON So? RYAN I don't have it right now. AARON What do you mean, you don't have it? You just bought a first class seat for your bag. (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: (2) RYAN And that's why I don't have any cash. INT.. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY Elaine is now driving, Oscar is sitting in the passenger seat looking a little spaced out, with Jeff in the back. Jeff leans forward. JEFF So, poor old Uncle Eddie... ELAINE Yeah. But he was sick for so long. He's much better off now. JEFF Dead? Since when does dead beat sick? ELAINE Shut up, Jeff. Jeff turns his attention to Oscar. JEFF I love when you come to family functions, Oscar. Because then Dad focuses all his hate on you. There's no response from Oscar. He looks distantly out the window. The pills are starting to kick in. JEFF (CONT'D) Oscar? OSCAR Was there a dog in here just now? Elaine looks at Oscar very-strangely. ELAINE What? He sniffs. OSCAR Dalmatian? No, Schnauzer... A beat. (CONTINUED) 20. CONTINUED: ELAINE What the hell are you talking about? Oscar falls silent and just goes back to looking out the window. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - LATER Uncle Russell is asleep in the back. Norman is looking for a parking space, but the street and long driveway are packed with cars. A catering truck and flower van are taking up a lot of space. NORMAN There's nowhere to park. Then the small flower delivery van pulls out. Derek points out the newly empty space. DEREK That truck is pulling out. Park there. NORMAN Alright. Just as he's about to drive in, another car takes it. NORMAN (CONT'D) What the hell? EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman gets out of the car. The other car contains Jeff, Oscar and Elaine. Jeff gets out first followed by Elaine. NORMAN Elaine, I was going to park there. ELAINE Are you family, Norman? NORMAN Well, no, but I'm like family. ELAINE No such thing. Derek leans out the window. DEREK Hi, Elaine. (CONTINUED) 21. CONTINUED: ELAINE What are you doing here? DEREK Your father invited me. ELAINE Oh please. She grabs Oscar and heads to the house followed by Jeff. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS Norman gets back into his car. Uncle Russell stirs. UNCLE RUSSELL What's happening? DEREK Did you see that?... She totally blew me off. The flower delivery van has been waiting to move forward. It's driver beeps the horn. UNCLE RUSSELL I said what's happening? Are we there?. Norman turns around and looks at Uncle Russell. NORMAN Aw, damn. I have Uncle Russell. How could I forget about Uncle Russell? Derek has other concerns and the van beeps again. NORMAN (CONT'D) (to the Van) Yeah, alright!! UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is going on? Uncle Russell pokes Norman with his cane. NORMAN Ow. DEREK .barely even looked. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: Norman, now highly irritated, is forced to drive backwards. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are walking to the house as other people arrive. OSCAR It's very green here, isn't it?... Green... Very green... Very... green. Elaine takes Oscar to the side. ELAINE Oscar, are you alright? OSCAR What do you mean? ELAINE All this talking about phantom dogs and things being green... What's going on? OSCAR What are you talking about? I' fine . Never been greener. Oscar wanders off, leaving Elaine with Jeff. JEFF Elaine, what's wrong with Oscar? ELAINE I don't know. Something's not right... ANGLE ON: Oscar as he wanders around the yard. ELAINE (CONT'D) I think it's the Valium. JEFF Valium?! ELAINE I gave him a Valium at your place. I think he's just not used to it. JEFF Oh, right. (CONTINUED) 23. CONTINUED: Jeff's face reveals his realization of what's happened. He walks off, leaving Elaine watching Oscar. EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY Norman's car is almost at the corner still being forced backwards by the flower van. We see that Derek is still lost in his own thoughts. Uncle Russell is poking at Norman with his cane. UNCLE RUSSELL You're going the wrong way! NORMAN Ow! That hurts. DEREK Stop the car, Norman. NORMAN What? DEREK Stop the car. I have to speak with her. I have to speak with Elaine. Norman reluctantly stops the car. Derek gets out. NORMAN What about Uncle Russell? I need help with Uncle Russell! It's too late. Derek is gone. The van in front of Norman honks the horn. UNCLE RUSSELL What's going on here? Where are we?! We're going to be late! Russell hits him on the arm with his cane. NORMAN Ow! Can you please stop doing that?! The van keeps beeping. Norman backs up. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan is standing with Aaron. They greet the mourners. (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: RYAN (TO MOURNER) Nice to see you again. The mourner shakes hands with Ryan then walks away. RYAN (CONT'D) Who are all these people? I don't even recognize half of them. AARON It's your family. You don't recognize them from the last funeral? Ryan looks around the room. RYAN So what side of the family is he on? AARON Who? RYAN The guy in the leather jacket. Ryan looks around the room and sees a FOUR FOOT SIX MAN (FRANK) approaching the coffin. AARON I have no idea. Maybe a friend of Dad's from work or something. Aaron turns to Ryan. AARON (CONT'D) So, you're telling me I'm going to have to pay for the whole funeral? RYAN No I'm telling you you'll have the money in a few months when I get my advance. AARON I'm not a God damn credit agency! REVEREND DAVIS, a very calm, serene woman, suddenly appears. REVEREND DAVIS Aaron, how are you? (CONTINUED) 25. CONTINUED: (2) AARON Yes, um... We're just waiting for everyone to arrive, then we can get going. I know you're in a hurry. REVEREND DAVIS Yes, I have two more funerals and a Christening. I don't know what it is about the Spring, but they're either coming in or going out. She laughs, but Aaron and Ryan just look at her. Reverend Davis stands there waiting to be introduced to Ryan. AARON Have you met my brother, Ryan? REVEREND DAVIS Ah, the writer, of course. I must admit I squeezed this job in because I wanted to meet you. I'm reading "Mama's Secret" right now. Don't tell anybody, I'm not supposed to be reading that kind of stuff. RYAN I'm sure the Lord will forgive you. Aaron is irritated. REVEREND DAVIS (TO AARON) You must be very proud of your big brother. He really made something of his life. (TO RYAN) I can't wait to hear your eulogy. AARON No, no, I'm doing the eulogy. REVEREND DAVIS Oh. I thought... RYAN Aaron is the oldest. The reverend tries her best not to look disappointed. REVEREND DAVIS Great... Well, I'll just make sure have everything I need. (CONTINUED) 26. CONTINUED: (3) She looks at the coffin and then at the Bible in her hands. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) We've got a body and a Bible. Well, I'm all set. She walks off. AARON Look, I think you should do the eulogy. Everyone's expecting you to do it. RYAN No, they're not. You're the oldest. You should do it. AARON Look most of the people are here for Dad, but let's not kid ourselves. A lot of them are here to hear your eulogy. RYAN So imagine how surprised they'll be when they hear yours. Ryan walks away. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Cynthia is helping prepare the food to go.out. Michelle is in the background at the sink. DUNCAN, Cynthia's brother, a middle aged doctor, approaches. DUNCAN How's my little sister? CYNTHIA I'm trying to hold it together, Duncan. He was a really good husband. My friends always told me about the crap their husbands put them through. I never had to deal with any of that. Remember when Uncle Matt got that nanny pregnant? DUNCAN That was horrible. (CONTINUED) 27 CONTINUED: CYNTHIA They don't make 'em like my Edward anymore. A good husband and a great father to two healthy, strong boys. Michelle cringes in the background. MICHELLE (TO CYNTHIA) I'll make you a cup of coffee, Cynthia. CYNTHIA Coffee can do many things Michelle, but it can't bring back the dead. Beat. MICHELLE Tea? INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Aaron finds a quiet place in the hallway and pulls out his notes. AARON (READS) "My father was an exceptional man... My father was an exceptional man... My father was an exceptional man..." Michelle approaches him. MICHELLE Honey, we still need to finish that thing. Remember today is the last day. AARON Can we talk about this when there's a little less death in the air? MICHELLE No. No we can't. AARON Honey, I'm just not in the mood... MICHELLE I don't have any panties on. (CONTINUED) 28. CONTINUED: AARON What? You don't have any panties on? It's my father's funeral. MICHELLE I'm just trying to help you out. I'll put them back on before the service starts. Now come on. They turn. Aaron looks around the corner into the living room and sees the four foot six man standing by a table. Aaron stops Michelle. AARON Babe, don't make it obvious, but that guy in the leather jacket standing by the wall. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Michelle catches a glimpse of the guy. AARON (CONT'D) Do you recognize him? MICHELLE Isn't that the guy from the Home Depot? AARON No, I don't think so. Don't look. Don't look. MICHELLE Did he put in the cable? AARON No, no, that's not it. He keeps looking at me. Don't look. Don't look. MICHELLE He's probably just a friend of your father's. I'll meet you in the garage. We have a few minutes before Uncle Russell gets here. Michelle walks off. Aaron peeks around the corner again and makes eye contact with the four foot six inch man, who seems to be staring straight at him. Aaron averts his eyes and heads off. 29. EXT. ROAD - DAY Norman parks the car and gets out. He goes to the trunk and removes the wheelchair. UNCLE RUSSELL What are you doing?! Be careful with that. Uncle Russell bangs his cane on the floor impatiently. UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D) Hurry up, we're late. Norman slams the trunk closed. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron tries to get across the room as Michelle heads into the kitchen. Ryan stops Aaron. AARON Oh, Ryan can you keep an eye out-- RYAN God damn, that Martina has grown up. ANGLE ON: MARTINA, nineteen and attractive. AARON Are you talking about Little Martina? RYAN She was like a teenager when I left, and now she's... you know. She's like damn. Aaron looks distastefully at his brother. AARON Can you keep an eye out for Uncle Russell? RYAN I think I should go see how she's been. AARON Yeah, why don't you do that? See if she wants a juice box. (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: Ryan heads off towards Martina. Aaron continues across the room. FRANK (O.S.) Hi there. Aaron turns and finds himself cornered by Frank. AARON Hello. FRANK I was really sorry to hear about your dad. He talked about you a lot. I saw your wedding pictures. Your wife's dress was very beautiful. Aaron is a little uncomfortable. AARON Uh... thanks. MAN Did he ever mention me?... Frank? Frank steps forward and holds out his hand. Aaron shakes it. AARON Frank?... I don't think so, no... Were you a friend of his? FRANK Something like that, yeah. Michelle sticks her head out of the kitchen. MICHELLE Honey. Can I see you for a moment? AARON Well, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming. Aaron walks away, leaving Frank alone. EXT. STREET - SAME TIME WIDE SHOT: Norman struggles to push Uncle Russell up a hill. (CONTINUED) 31. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Come on, put your back into it. You're supposed to be a young man. Don't you have any strength? INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Aaron has almost made it across the room when he is intercepted by Reverend Davis. REVEREND DAVIS I think we should get started. really have to leave at three. AARON Sure. Can we just wait five minutes for my Uncle Russell? We can't start without him. REVEREND DAVIS .Of course. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Elaine and Jeff are talking to some mourners. ELAINE It's so nice to see you. WOMAN I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle. But he's in a better place now. I hear Ryan is doing the eulogy. Oscar, carrying a leaf, interrupts the conversation. OSCAR Look... Isn't it beautiful? He wanders off again. Elaine doesn't know what the hell is going on. JEFF Elaine, can I speak to you for a minute? ELAINE (to the mourner) I'll see you inside. Jeff takes Elaine's arm with some urgency and moves off to the side. (CONTINUED) 32 CONTINUED: ELAINE (CONT'D) What? What is it?! JEFF I have to tell you something and, I'm warning you in advance, you're not going to like it. Elaine looks at Jeff concerned. INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Aaron is intercepted again by Duncan who is talking to Ryan. DUNCAN Aaron. How are we doing on time? AARON As soon as Uncle Russell gets here we'll be ready to start. DUNCAN So what's this I hear about Ryan not doing the eulogy? RYAN I was just telling him how much I'm looking forward to hearing your eulogy. DUNCAN That's a shame. I mean, I'm sure you'll be good, Aaron. It's just with Ryan being the writer of the family... AARON Yeah. DUNCAN There are people here that don't even know your father. They just came to hear Ryan. AARON Would you excuse me? Aaron walks away. DUNCAN (TO RYAN) So any new books coming out? I just finished "Black Hurt. 33. INT. GARAGE - SAME TIME Aaron closes the door behind him. Michelle is waiting. They start kissing and pulling at each other's clothes. Aaron stops and leans on the door and sighs. MICHELLE Are you alright? AARON Every single person wants Ryan to do the eulogy. He was my father, too. I'm supposed to do the damn eulogy! I'm the oldest. Where was Ryan when I was taking care of Dad? MICHELLE Calm down. Calm down. Forget about everyone. You're going to do the eulogy and it's going to be the best eulogy anyone's every heard. Now could you please do me a favor and get me pregnant? AARON Come on, do I have to do this today? MICHELLE Yes. What do you want? You want me to talk dirty? I'm gonna suck it. I'm gonna to suck it. Before Michelle can continue her PG rated dirty talk, there is a knock on the door. MAN Is there more soda in here? AARON Yes! Come in! Michelle is frustrated. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Elaine is looking at Jeff in absolute shock. ELAINE What do you mean it's not Valium? (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: JEFF I mean what you thought was Valium, wasn't actually Valium. It's a hallucinogenic. Like, acid, mescaline... Special K... Oscar moves in the background behind Elaine and Jeff. Elaine looks at him. He's making strange contorted expressions with his face and pointing at the sky. Other people are starting to notice him and think he's slightly odd. ELAINE This isn't funny, Jeff. JEFF I'm not being funny. Look at him, he's high as a kite! Oscar sticks his head into a huge bush. ELAINE What the hell are you doing leaving that stuff around your house?! JEFF A friend left it. And who the hell just goes into someone's house and takes pills? ELAINE I thought they were Valium! (takes a deep breath) What am I supposed to do? Should I tell him? JEFF No, don't do that. It'll just freak him out... We'll just keep a close eye on him, and make sure he doesn't get out of control... And don't let him spend too long talking to one person... or bush. Oscar wanders into the front door. Elaine quickly follows him. Jeff reluctantly follows Elaine. Derek arrives in time to see this and follows as well. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Oscar wanders in, followed by Elaine and Jeff. Duncan sees them enter and approaches them. (CONTINUED) 35. CONTINUED: ELAINE Hi, Dad. How are you? She gives him a kiss. DUNCAN Not bad considering we're at a funeral. Jeff steps forward. JEFF Hi, Dad. He shakes his hand. DUNCAN How's Pepperdine treating you? Is Professor Clarke still giving you a hard time? JEFF No, no. It's all worked out. Don't worry. DUNCAN I'm not worried about you. Duncan looks pointedly at Elaine, irritating her. Duncan looks at Oscar who is in the background. DUNCAN (CONT'D) So I see you brought your friend. ELAINE He's my boyfriend. And you know his name. Derek approaches. DEREK Doctor, how nice to see you again. DUNCAN Derek. How are you doing at the hospital? DEREK Great. Great. We should have lunch soon. I'd love to hear what you think about the new pediatric wing at Cedar's. (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: (2) DUNCAN Definitely. Maybe Elaine would like to join us for lunch? They both look expectantly at Elaine who looks away disgusted. Cynthia comes up to them and kisses Elaine and Jeff hello. Oscar stares at her. CYNTHIA Elaine... Jeff... good to see you. ELAINE I'm so sorry, Auntie. We're going to miss Uncle Edward so much. JEFF Yeah. He was a great guy. CYNTHIA Thank you. ELAINE Oscar, this is my Aunt-- Oscar grabs Cynthia in a tight hug. OSCAR I'm so sorry about... the death... He sings "Amazing Grace" softly as Duncan, Derek, Jeff and Elaine look on. OSCAR (CONT'D) Amazing Grace / How sweet the sound / That saved a wretch like me... Cynthia untangles herself from Oscar. She heads back outside. Duncan gives Elaine a look, then heads off after Cynthia. JEFF What are you going to do? ELAINE I don't know. I can't leave. Aunt Cynthia would never speak to me again. Jeff notices that Oscar has left. He rushes outside. Elaine follows. Derek follows suit. 37. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY We see Oscar emerging from the front doorway followed by Jeff. Then comes Elaine. Jeff approaches Oscar and stands with him as Elaine watches from the doorway. Derek walks up. DEREK You look nice, Elaine. ELAINE I'm dressed for a funeral. DEREK Yeah, but you make death look sexy. She looks at him. DEREK (CONT'D) So, I heard about the engagement. ELAINE Hey, hey. I don't really have time to deal with whatever happened between you and me. But I have not told my dad yet, so I would appreciate it if you would keep your mouth shut. DEREK Sure. Anything for you. Derek looks over and notices Oscar looking bewildered. DEREK (CONT'D) So that's him? That's the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with? Elaine looks over at the drugged up Oscar. Oscar leans over like he's on a nod. Jeff leans down with him, watching. Right before Oscar falls over, he comes up really fast.- Then he starts walking. ELAINE Yep, that's him. Oscar who has been walking in circles with a look of awe on his face, changes direction and flies by Elaine and Derek back into the house with Jeff in tow. (CONTINUED) 38. CONTINUED: DEREK Elaine., I- Elaine follows the guys, leaving Derek behind. INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Aaron is straightening his tie and practicing his eulogy. AARON My father was an exceptional man... My father was-- Frank again approaches Aaron. FRANK Actually, there's something I'd like to talk to you about... when you have a minute. Aaron hears Uncle Russell in the background. AARON Yeah, that's great. Do you mind if we do it later though? My uncle just got here. FRANK Sure. Aaron heads off. EXT. FRONT PORCH OF HOUSE - SAME TIME Norman pushes Russell up the stairs close to where Derek is standing. He looks like he's about to collapse from exhaustion. Norman lets go of the wheelchair and catches his breath. Derek grabs the chair blocking Norman from view just as Aaron arrives. AARON Thank you, Derek, you're a life saver. Hope it wasn't too much trouble. DEREK No problem at all. Aaron wheels Uncle Russell inside. AARON How are you doing, Uncle Russell? (CONTINUED) 39. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Terrible. Derek follows, leaving Norman standing there out of breath. NORMAN Can I get a little help? INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron enters and nods to Reverend Davis, who stands at the front. REVEREND.DAVIS Ladies and gentlemen, could you all kindly take your seats? We're about to begin the service. Ryan helps Martina to her seat. Jeff keeps an eye on Oscar. Elaine grabs Oscar and drags him to a seat. Aaron wheels Uncle Russell to his place. UNCLE RUSSELL Move! Move! He pokes people with his cane. Aaron then takes his seat with Michelle. Oscar is not looking so good. Ryan finally ends the conversation with Martina and heads to his seat. Reverend Davis is about to start, but waits as Norman, sweating, pushes through the crowd to his seat. The reverend waits for the disturbance to end, so Norman attracts the attention of everyone. Norman takes his seat next to Derek. Derek leans away. DEREK (SNIFFS ) You stink. REVEREND DAVIS Family and friends, we're gathered here today to mourn the passing of Edward Barnes. NORMAN Yeah, well, you left me to push Uncle Russell up that damn hill all by myself. Then took all the credit. (CONTINUED) 40 CONTINUED: Elaine, turns around. ELAINE Norman, shut up. Elaine turns back around. Norman is irritated by this. REVEREND DAVIS I'd like to start with a favorite passage of Edwards from First Samuel chapter 18, verses 1-4 in the King James Bible. (READING) "And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day, and would let him go no more home to his father's house..." While the reverend is talking, Norman pokes Elaine on the shoulder and leans forward. NORMAN (WHISPERS) Hey, Elaine, I know you don't think I'm part of the family-- ELAINE 'Cause you're not. NORMAN (WHISPERS) .but when you dissed me back there, I had Uncle Russell in the car. Aaron, disturbed by Norman's whispering, looks over. NORMAN (CONT'D) (WHISPERS) You stole my parking space, and I had to push him half a mile up a hill. We almost missed the service! Aaronlooks over again. ELAINE (WHISPERS) Look, Norman, if you poke me one more time, I'm going to kick your ass. (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: (2) AARON (WHISPERS LOUDLY) What the hell is going on?! NORMAN (WHISPERS) She stole my parking space! AARON (whispers to Norman) Stole your parking space?!. My father's dead! Act right. Reverend Davis looks at them then continues her speech. REVEREND DAVIS ."Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul..." As she speaks, Norman looks at his wrist, worried. The woman sitting next to him smacks his wrist down. ANGLE ON: Elaine looks at Jeff who watches Oscar. Oscar is fidgeting and looking worried. ANGLE ON: Aaron and Michelle. Aaron looks worried. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) ."And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword and to his bow, and to his girdle." ANGLE ON: Oscar is laughing. Elaine tries to control him. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) And now we'll have a few words from Edward's son, Aaron. Ryan's older brother. ANGLE ON: Aaron as he gathers himself. Michelle gives Aaron a supportive squeeze of the arm. Aaron looks over and sees Frank staring at him. ANGLE ON: Uncle Russell. UNCLE RUSSELL Why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? This is bullshit. (CONTINUED) 42. CONTINUED: (3) Aaron arrives at the front and looks out across the expectant crowd. He's extremely nervous. AARON Good afternoon, everyone. (his voice cracks) Thank you for coming... I never realized Dad was so popular. It looks like he's got more friends now that he's dead. Blank faces stare back at Aaron. Cynthia looks pained. Everyone is silent except for Oscar who laughs loudly. Elaine silences him with a look. Aaron composes himself and pulls his notes out. AARON (CONT'D) My father was an exceptional man... He was born in 1938. He grew up in Alabama on a farm. He loved to take long walks in the woods with his close friend, Bobby. He told me how they spent their summer days riding their bikes through the fields and swimming in the lake. As Aaron speaks, Reverend Davis looks concerned because the eulogy is so bad. She looks to Ryan who looks like "what can I do?" Jeff looks more concerned with Oscar, whose face is contorted with pain. He looks like he's going to burst. ANGLE ON: Aaron. AARON (CONT'D) Dad's first job was working after school as an assistant to an electrician named Mr. Thompson. Back then, Blacks weren't allowed to wear rubber gloves. So my father got shocked a lot. Because of that, he had no feeling in his fingertips. I asked my Dad what his first boss was like... The drugs have gotten the best of Oscar. He suddenly grabs Elaine's arm. Aaron keeps talking. OSCAR Did you just see that? (CONTINUED) 43. CONTINUED: (4) ELAINE See what? OSCAR The coffin just moved. ELAINE What? OSCAR I'm telling you I saw it move. Aaron becomes vaguely aware of the disturbance, but battles on with his eulogy. AARON .He said he was a nice man, and surprisingly well dressed. When Dad was eighteen, he left home after an argument with his father. He never told me what that argument was about, but I do know that after leaving South Carolina, sadly he and Bob lost touch and never saw each other again. Dad went to college where he studied accounting, a decision which lead to a career in corporate finance... But his real passion was for the arts, with a particular fondness for theatre, dance and musicals. He was a charter member of the Negro Ensemble Company and contributed regularly to the Alvin Ailey School of Dance. Oscar's protests are getting louder. Duncan looks back at the disruption with a disapproving glare. Elaine looks at Jeff who watches, concerned. OSCAR There, look. It happened again. ELAINE Oscar, please- People start looking at Oscar, who's becoming increasingly vocal, and looking increasingly like someone on acid. OSCAR That coffin's moving! (CONTINUED) 44. CONTINUED: (5) ELAINE (WHISPERS) Oscar. Just calm down. Aaron looks over to Oscar. OSCAR (SHOUTS) The coffin's moving! Michelle looks worried. Cynthia watches silently. Oscar jumps up. Aaron stops the eulogy. Elaine is about to die from embarrassment. OSCAR (CONT'D) There's someone alive in there! ELAINE Oscar, please sit down. Oscar ignores her and walks purposefully towards the coffin. People watch him in astonishment, including Jeff. OSCAR What the hell is wrong with you people?! Oscar approaches the coffin as Aaron steps off the dais. Elaine tries to hold Oscar back, but she can't. ELAINE (PANICKED) Oscar, where are you going? AARON What are you doing? OSCAR There's someone moving in there. Can't you see? Oscar tries to open the coffin. Aaron and Elaine try to restrain him, but can't. A tussle begins. Ryan jumps in to help. RYAN What the hell is wrong with you?! ELAINE Ryan, no! (CONTINUED) 45. CONTINUED: (6) Elaine attempts to grab Ryan. Duncan stands up and tries to help. DUNCAN Get away from there! OSCAR No, I have to show you! He's alive! He's alive! The scene descends into absolute chaos with people pushing and struggling. Finally, the coffin falls off the platform and tips over. The dead body of Edward rolls out onto the floor at the feet of Cynthia. Cynthia screams. Aaron freezes in shock. Michelle takes Cynthia through the kitchen. The living room is left in chaos. EXT. BACK GARDEN - MOMENTS LATER Elaine drags Oscar out the back. Jeff follows. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Cynthia, in tears, enters accompanied by Aaron, Michelle and Reverend Davis. MICHELLE It's alright, Cynthia. It's alright. She sits in a chair crying uncontrollably. Aaron is so angry, he just marches out. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Some MEN grab the body and put it back in the coffin. Aaron comes out of the kitchen and heads to the back yard. As they put the coffin back on the stand, Ryan addresses the crowd. RYAN Please let me extend my apologies to you all. I understand the incident you just witnessed was quite shocking, but everything will be... returned... to it's proper place. Please enjoy the refreshments, and we'll call you when we're ready to continue. (CONTINUED) 46. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL It wouldn't have happened if Ryan had done the eulogy. Aaron exits through the garden door. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY Aaron storms out to Elaine who is trying to comfort Oscar. He's looking very disturbed. Jeff is also there, looking guilty. AARON Elaine, what the hell was that?! ELAINE I'm so sorry, Aaron. AARON Oh, okay. My dead father's sprawled out on the living room floor, but it's okay, you're sorry. OSCAR But the coffin was moving. ELAINE Please, Aaron. Go back inside. I'll explain later. An annoyed and confused Aaron turns and walks back to the house. He's almost to the door when Michelle arrives. MICHELLE AARON-- AARON No, I haven't made the call about the down payment yet. MICHELLE I wasn't going to say that. AARON No I'm not going to have sex with you. MICHELLE I wasn't going to say that. AARON What were you going to say? (CONTINUED) 47. CONTINUED: MICHELLE (WEAKLY) Hi. He goes inside leaving Michelle standing there. Duncan comes out and heads for Oscar. DUNCAN I'll kill him! Elaine tries to keep Duncan away from Oscar, who is stressed enough and looks terrified. ELAINE Dad, leave it alone! DUNCAN Leave it alone?! He just knocked my brother-in-law out of his coffin. ELAINE It wasn't his fault. DUNCAN Yes it was. My sister is in tears. I can't believe you brought this idiot! I don't ever want to see him again, do you understand me? ELAINE I can't do that. DUNCAN Why not? ELAINE Because we're... moving in together. Duncan looks over at Oscar, who looks like he's just seen a ghost. He's struggling to stand up straight, with Jeff who's doing his best to look after him. DUNCAN Are you crazy? ELAINE Dad, this isn't actually what he's like. He took some drugs and-- DUNCAN Drugs?! Is he on the pipe? (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: (2) Jeff looks over, his eyes pleading with Elaine not to tell on him. ELAINE No he's not on the pipe. He took some Valium and had a.bad reaction. Jeff looks grateful. DUNCAN Valium?! That's not a Valium high. Your mother was on Valium for forty years. She never knocked over a coffin. ELAINE Dad, please. DUNCAN I just want to point out that you won't see Derek knocking over a coffin. ELAINE Not right now, Dad. DUNCAN Fine. I've got to check on Cynthia, but this isn't over. Duncan walks back to the house. Elaine walks over to Oscar who is hugging a tree. ELAINE Oscar. OSCAR Elaine. ELAINE Come and sit down. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron talks to a mourner. Norman comes up and hugs him. NORMAN Are you alright?... That was insane. He just fell out the coffin like a dead fish. I guess its not much of a metaphor when you're talking about a dead human, but-- (CONTINUED) Death at a Funeral 02/6/0.9 49. CONTINUED: Aaron looks at Norman. AARON Norman, please. NORMAN Oh yeah... Sorry. It's just that you never know when it's your time. Like, I have this weird thing on my wrist. I've had it for a few weeks now. I don't know what it is-- AARON Why don't you show it to my Uncle Duncan? He's a doctor. NORMAN He is? Great. Thanks. Norman walks off toward the kitchen. He passes Uncle Russell and Ryan talking to Martina. UNCLE RUSSELL I read your last book, "Black Hurt." RYAN Good, good. Thanks a lot. UNCLE RUSSELL I'm not giving you a compliment you arrogant bastard. What a load of bullshit. I wouldn't wipe my ass with it. Ryan leads Martina away from Uncle Russell. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are standing together. OSCAR I swear it was moving. I must be losing my mind... (looks at his hands) Why are my hands so big?! ELAINE Oscar, listen to me. I need to tell you something... Elaine sits him down on the bench. (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: OSCAR What is it? ELAINE Now... You remember I gave you some Valium earlier? OSCAR Yes. ELAINE Well it turns out that it wasn't actually Valium. Oscar just looks at Elaine. Jeff slinks off into the background. ELAINE (CONT'D) Can you hear me? OSCAR (YELLS) Hello? INT. KITCHEN - DAY Cynthia is being comforted by her friends and Duncan. Norman enters and beckons Duncan over to the side. NORMAN Hello, Doctor, I know this is a bad time, but I've got this thing on my hand. I've had it for weeks now... Duncan is looking at Norman incredulously. NORMAN (CONT'D) What do you think it is? Cynthia stands up. CYNTHIA Duncan, I'm going back now. She exits. Reluctantly, Duncan answers Norman. DUNCAN You should probably go see a dermatologist. He turns to follow his sister out, but Norman pulls him back. (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: NORMAN Really? Why? What do you think it is? DUNCAN I don't know. It looks like some kind of pigment mutation. Duncan walks further out of the room. NORMAN Pigment mutation?! Duncan turns again. DUNCAN You're probably just allergic to something. Maybe from shellfish, nuts... Duncan heads further out of the room, but Norman won't give up. NORMAN Nuts? What kind of nuts? Duncan turns around again. DUNCAN I don't know. Pecans? Peanuts?... Excuse me. Duncan finally exits, leaving Norman looking shocked and terrified. NORMAN (TO HIMSELF) A pigment mutation? EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Elaine is trying to explain to Oscar. ELAINE Do you understand? Hallucinogenic. Oscar recoils. He turns to Jeff. JEFF Yeah, now, the best thing to do is relax and just go with the flow. Try and enjoy it. (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: Oscar stands up, panicked and grabs Jeff by the lapels. We see the bottle of "Valium" falls out of his pocket. OSCAR You! ELAINE Oscar! She tries to pull him off Jeff. OSCAR How long does it last? JEFF I don't know... eight hours? OSCAR Eight hours?! Of this?!! ELAINE Oscar let go. She pulls him off Jeff. ANGLE ON: Derek watching from the window. OSCAR I'm going to be sick. ANGLE ON: Derek smoothing his hair seeing his opportunity. ANGLE ON: Oscar runs inside. Elaine follows with Jeff in tow. ELAINE Oscar! Come back. They head into the house. INT. BACK DOOR - DAY Derek has been looking at Elaine outside and waiting for his moment. Elaine comes rushing in following Oscar. DEREK Oh, hi, Elaine. You following me? She just runs right past, then Jeff rushes past following Elaine. Oscar pushes through people. ELAINE Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: Elaine grabs Oscar and leads him to the stairs. ELAINE (CONT'D) Excuse me. He's going to be sick. They head up the stairs with Jeff following. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine rounds the corner and leads Oscar to the bathroom. goes in and shuts the door behind him. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Oscar is building up quite a sweat and mumbling to himself. He catches his reflection in the mirror and SCREAMS! Elaine opens the door. ELAINE Oscar. Oscar grabs the hair-dryer and wields it like a gun. OSCAR Stand back! ELAINE Oscar, put down the dryer. OSCAR Get back or I'll blow your head off. Oscar backs Elaine out of the bathroom. ELAINE Oscar, please-- Oscar shuts the door and locks it. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine is pressed against the door. ELAINE Oscar, are you okay? She tries to open the door, but it's locked. Jeff walks up checking his pockets. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar, let me in. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: Jeff realizes he lost the pill bottle. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar. Oscar? JEFF Uh... Elaine... I can't find the pill bottle? But Elaine is too busy to hear. ELAINE Oscar! Open the door. Jeff looks at the floor as he leaves. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is talking to himself in the mirror. OSCAR Okay. Breathe. (HE DOES) It's going to be okay. Breathe. You're and investment banker. You've handled mergers for billion dollar companies. You can do this. Dead bodies don't move. They don't move. But that body was moving. It was moving. Then he slaps himself. OSCAR (CONT'D) Snap out of it! You can handle this. You can do this. He runs the tap and splashes some water on his face. OSCAR (CONT'D) Alright. You're okay. Stay calm... Stay calm... Oscar is still staring at himself in the mirror. OSCAR (CONT'D) That's it, Oscar, keep it together. K.I.T. Keep it together. K.I.T. Keep it together. Everything's going to be fine. Nothing moved. Dead people don't move. They're stiff. They don't move, do they? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 55 CONTINUED: OSCAR (CONT'D) (he screams at himself in the MIRROR) DO THEY!!!! INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR Elaine has her ear pressed against the door. She hears the scream. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME OSCAR Easy now. Easy now. We can do this. A few hours. That's nothing. No sweat. I mean you've already been in here for... He looks at his watch. OSCAR (CONT'D) Where's my watch?! He sees it's on the other wrist. OSCAR (CONT'D) Oh! He checks the time. OSCAR (CONT'D) It's already been... INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine continues to knock on the door. ELAINE Open the door. Oscar. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar finally gets a read on his watch. OSCAR Five minutes. Suddenly the pressure of. the situation overtakes him. OSCAR (CONT'D) God damn! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 56. INT. DOWNSTAIRS'- SAME TIME As the screaming and cursing goes on upstairs, Aaron approaches a mourner who looks concerned. OSCAR (O.S.) Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! AARON It's alright. Aaron turns around not knowing what to do. FRANK (O.S.) Grief does strange things to people. Aaron looks at him a little freaked out by his sudden appearance. AARON I guess so. FRANK If you remember, I have something to talk to you about. AARON Oh yeah. FRANK Is there somewhere private we could go? AARON Sure. They walk away. The screaming continues as Jeff, frantically, but slowly comes down the stairs re-tracing his steps and searching around for his lost bottle of pills. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank and Aaron enter. Frank looks around the room a little grief stricken himself. Aaron walks to the desk as Frank touches some mementoes he clearly remembers. Frank takes out his glasses and notices a manuscript on the desk with Aaron's name. FRANK Are you writing a novel? (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: AARON Uh... yeah. Aaron takes the manuscript and moves it away. FRANK Like your big brother. AARON Actually I'm the oldest. I was writing before.he was. I've had a few pieces published in the New Yorker. But now I'm mainly teaching. FRANK Oh. Well, you must be very proud of your brother then. Getting all his novels published. Aaron decides to move the conversation on. AARON So anyway. What did you want to talk about? He motions for Frank to take a seat and sits across from him. FRANK Your father and I were very... close. AARON Yeah. Okay. That's good. FRANK And we spent a lot of time together. AARON Yeah, well Dad was a fun guy. Frank takes an envelope out of his inside jacket pocket and takes some photos from the envelope. FRANK Um... I've got some photos I want to show you. AARON Sure. Frank passes the first photo. (CONTINUED) 58. CONTINUED: (2) FRANK That's me and your Dad in Central Park in New York. Aaron looks at the photo curiously. FRANK (CONT'D) That's us on Santa Monica Boulevard on Halloween... Aaron takes the next one, becoming more suspicious. AARON So, where did you and my dad meet? FRANK Just around. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine is outside the bathroom banging on the door. We can still hear Oscar moaning inside. ELAINE Oscar. Are you alright? INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is laying in the bathtub. He has his head under the faucet with his mouth open. A drip falls into his mouth. OSCAR Ahhh. He smacks his lips together and then opens his mouth and waits for the next drop. INT. STUDY - DAY Aaron is sitting with Frank. Frank passes him another photo. FRANK That's one of me and your father going to the premiere of "Dreamgirls". I was dressed as Deena and your father had to be Effie. Aaron looks at the photo of them dressed in drag. (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: AARON So... I mean you have all these pictures, but he never said anything about you. This is the first I'm SEEING OF-- Frank gives Aaron a knowing look. AARON (CONT'D) How did you know my father? Aaron looks around the room. There is a copy of "People Magazine" sexiest men issue on the table. He sees figurines of male ballet dancers. It's getting clearer. He sees three Robert Mapplethorpe photos on the wall. There's a signed Kathy Griffin 8x10. Frank looks around waiting for him to get it. Aaron looks at a framed movie poster for Australia with Hugh Jackman. Aaron looks back at the picture. He gets it. AARON (CONT'D) Oh God... Aaron jumps up and closes the study door. FRANK Are you really that shocked? Frank gestures around the room. AARON I had no idea. FRANK I'm sorry. I'm sure he would have eventually told you, but I guess he wasn't sure how you'd react. Aaron shakes in disgust. AARON Uugg. Like this. Aaron gathers his senses. He has a thought and turns to Frank. AARON (CONT'D) Does my mother know? FRANK No. And there's no reason why she should... Just as long as I get what's owed to me. (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: (2) A long pause. Aaron looks over at Frank. AARON "What's owed to you"? FRANK . Well, obviously I should get something... I mean, your dad and I were lovers, and he left me absolutely nothing in his will. How do you think that makes me feel? Aaron fails to respond, because he's in too much shock. FRANK (CONT'D) I'll tell you how it makes me feel cheap. Like some cheap piece of ass... I mean, I'm entitled to something. AARON What do you want? FRANK What I want is a lot, but I'm not asking you for what I want. I deserve thirty thousand dollars. AARON Thirty thousand dollars?! I can't just give you thirty thousand dollars. My wife and I are trying to have kids-- FRANK Your father told me you were having trouble... (BEAT) Look, your father promised to take care of me, and I made sacrifices to keep him happy. Aaron gets angry. AARON You think you can come in here, slander my father's name and show me a few photos of you and my dad dressed up going to see "Dreamgirls"? I saw "Dreamgirls" twice. I'm not gay. That's not proof of anything... "Steppin' to the bad side / Gonna take a mean ride." (CONTINUED) 61. CONTINUED: (3) Aaron grabs Frank and pushes him against the wall. AARON (CONT'D) I'm not giving you anything but a-- Frank pulls out another photo and holds it up to Aaron's face. Aaron,releases Frank and snatches the picture. FRANK Now I don't want to, but I will show these photos to your mother... Do you really want me to do that today? AARON Wait here. He exits the study. INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron closes the study door behind him and almost bumps into two male mourners. MIDDLE AGED MAN Aaron, I was just telling George here how when we were boys together your dad used to love to make us all go skinny dipping. Aaron just stares at them. Then he moves toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM - BUFFET - DAY Aaron crosses the living room which is full of people mingling around. He's gone pale. AARON (TO HIMSELF) Oh God, oh God, oh God... He's looking around for Ryan, but there's no sign-. -Michelle watches Aaron walk around the room. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR SAME TIME Elaine is banging on the bathroom door. ELAINE Oscar. Open the door. Derek arrives behind her and leans in close. (CONTINUED) 62. CONTINUED: DEREK Anything I can do to help? ELAINE Not really, thanks. Derek moves over to face her and leans his arm on the door very coolly. DEREK I guess you've got it under control. Elaine ignores him and continues banging on the door. ELAINE Oscar? Anguished noises emanate from the bathroom. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar! Open the door. DEREK So what are you doing after the funeral? I've got Maxwell tickets. ELAINE Look... I'm busy. I don't have time for your shit. Now get the hell away from me! Derek looks hurt and storms off. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar! INT. BACK OF KITCHEN - DAY Ryan is talking to Martina. RYAN .so you've never been to New York? MARTINA I've been with my parents once. RYAN Oh, that's not really seeing New York. You have to come visit me. When's your birthday? (CONTINUED) 63. CONTINUED: MARTINA I turn eighteen next month. RYAN Great. All star weekend is in New York this year. MARTINA I know. I know. Aaron approaches. AARON Ryan, I need to talk to you. RYAN Not now, Aaron. AARON It's important. RYAN Give me five minutes. Aaron pulls him away. INT. GARAGE - DAY Aaron pulls Ryan into the garage and closes the door. RYAN What are you doing? What is it? Aaron lowers his voice. AARON That guy that was here before, that we didn't recognize... RYAN The guy in the leather jacket? AARON Yeah. RYAN What about him? Aaron lowers his voice further. (CONTINUED) 64 CONTINUED: AARON Well, I was just with him in the study, and... and he showed me some pictures... RYAN So? He showed you some picture? What's wrong with that? I'm busy... AARON Pictures of him and Dad together at the premiere of "Dreamgirls". Ryan's face is blank. It's not registering. RYAN Look, is this going anywhere, Aaron? AARON Ryan, he was Dad's lover! RYAN What? No, no, no. AARON The guy in the leather jacket just showed me pictures of him and Dad together. RYAN No, no, no. I don't believe that. My father is not gay. I've known him my whole life. And he's the most non-gay man I've ever met. Matter fact, he's so straight he makes me seem gay. And I know I'm not gay-- Aaron pulls out the picture. RYAN (CONT'D) Uugg. AARON Uugg. I know. RYAN/AARON Uugg/Uugg. Aaron nods. 65. INT. DINING AREA - SAME TIME Norman and Derek are sitting at the table. Norman is looking at his wrist. DEREK How can she be more interested in that idiot than me? Women. They don't know what they want! Norman's still examining his arm. NORMAN It sounds serious, doesn't it? DEREK What? NORMAN A pigment mutation. Derek gives Norman a disparaging look. Norman picks up some cake and takes a bite. NORMAN (CONT'D) Ooh, will you try this cake? I think it might have nuts in it. DEREK So? NORMAN (shows his wrist) So?... Aaron's uncle says I might be allergic to nuts... DEREK Then don't eat nuts. Put the cake down. NORMAN I can't not eat the cake. That's what I do when I'm stressed. I eat cake. DEREK I bet you won't eat it when your arm falls off. Norman sniffs the cake. (CONTINUED) 66. CONTINUED: NORMAN Will you just try it and tell me if there's nuts in it? DEREK No. NORMAN Come on. DEREK I don't want to. NORMAN Just do me a favor-- Norman is pushing the cake towards Derek's mouth. DEREK Get away from me. Derek gets up and walks off, leaving Norman spitting out the cake. From under the table, Jeff pops up. JEFF You haven't seen a pill bottle around, have you? A Valium pill bottle? NORMAN No. But can you try this-- Jeff smiles nervously and goes back to his search on the floor. Jeff slides across the floor past Uncle Russell sitting at the other end of the table. An OLDER LADY turns to Russell. OLDER LADY Edward and I watched the Tony Awards every year. We would get all dressed up and sip cocktails. I'm going to miss him so much. UNCLE RUSSELL Don't worry. The way you look, you won't be far behind. The mourner looks shocked. Jeff continues his search along the floor. 67. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Cynthia is sitting quietly with Duncan. DUNCAN I'm sure we'll start soon. He looks toward the house and sees Norman exit. Duncan wants to avoid him. DUNCAN (CONT'D) (TO CYNTHIA) Let's go inside. CYNTHIA In a moment. Duncan gets up and heads toward the house. He passes Norman. NORMAN Doctor, I just have a-- Duncan doesn't stop, leaving Norman holding his wrist. Norman looks over and sees Cynthia. He sits next to her. NORMAN (CONT'D) I'm sorry... you know... about... you know... CYNTHIA Thank you. I'll be alright. I know he's watching over me. NORMAN You think so?' I mean, there are a lot of fine ones up in heaven. Anna Nicole Smith's dead too, you know. might be watching over her. Norman sits next to Cynthia. NORMAN (CONT'D) Death is a terrible thing... Did you check to make sure he.was wearing shoes? I hear they steal the shoes. And I hope you took off his ring, 'cause if it's worth anything, someone is going to take that, too. Cynthia stares at Norman. (CONTINUED) 68. CONTINUED: NORMAN (CONT'D) Before he died, did he have a rash? She gets up and exits. Norman notices Jeff's pill bottle on the ground. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket. INT. KITCHEN - LATER The camera closes in on the closed garage door. We hear hushed voices. INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS AARON You don't understand. If we don't give him the money, he's going to show Mom the picture. RYAN Okay. Let me think, let me think. Ryan is trying to come up with a solution. RYAN (CONT'D) I think you should pay him the money. AARON What do you mean, you think I should pay him the money? Where the hell is all your money? RYAN I'm in debt up to my ass. I'm broke, man! AARON So after paying for the funeral, the clothes, the catering... Now I'm supposed to shell out thirty thousand dollars? He's your father, too. RYAN You're the oldest. Besides, you've been living off Mom and Dad long enough. You must have some money saved. You haven't paid rent in two years. AARON I have not been living off of them... I've been living with them. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 69. CONTINUED: AARON (CONT'D) No I haven't paid rent, but Dad hasn't worked in five years. Who do you think has been paying all the bills? RYAN Well if you've got money problems and I've got money problems, what can we do? Fuck him! Aaron shows Ryan the photo again. RYAN (CONT'D) You've got to pay him. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is sitting on the toilet unrolling the toilet paper. OSCAR Yes, yes. Keep coming. Join the others. Join the others. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine leans against the door. ELAINE Oscar? OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar? ELAINE Oscar? She tries the door. It's still locked. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar? OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar? ELAINE Oscar. OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar. ELAINE Os... (CONTINUED) 70. CONTINUED: OSCAR (O.S.) .car. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - SAME TIME Jeff frantically searches the bushes where Oscar pushed him, looking for the pill bottle. He finds nothing. INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Uncle Russell is creating havoc at the buffet table. He's pushing people aside and poking them with his cane. REVEREND DAVIS Are you alright? UNCLE RUSSELL No, my nephew is dead and these bastards ate all the potato salad. Nearby mourners look appalled. The reverend looks over and sees Aaron and Ryan coming down the kitchen corridor. She approaches them. INT. KITCHEN CORRIDOR - DAY Reverend Davis appears in front of Aaron and Ryan. REVEREND DAVIS Ah! I think we're just about ready to start the service, so- AARON Would you mind giving us five minutes? REVEREND DAVIS (NOT HAPPY) Of course. AARON Thanks. Aaron walks off followed by Ryan. He passes Michelle, who's sitting on the couch. She stands up. MICHELLE Is everything okay? AARON No. I'm really sorry, honey, but buying a condo is going to have to be put on hold, just for now. (CONTINUED) 71. CONTINUED: MICHELLE What are you talking about? Why? AARON Babe, you know I wouldn't do this unless I had a good reason. MICHELLE What's the reason? AARON I haven't got time right now, please. I'll explain later. MICHELLE BUT-- Aaron walks off to join Ryan, who's at the door of the study. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank is reading Aaron's manuscript. Ryan and Aaron enter. RYAN (TO FRANK) You? So you and my--. You?! It's you. So when I called my father and he didn't answer, he was with you?! Aaron realizes what Frank is reading. AARON Hey, hey, hey! Aaron rushes over and takes the manuscript away from Frank. AARON (CONT'D) What are you doing with my manuscript?! It's not ready. He puts it in the desk. FRANK Well, you left it on a coffee table. AARON What's that supposed to mean? FRANK Well, when you put things on coffee tables, it's assumed it's for everybody. (CONTINUED) 72. CONTINUED: RYAN It kind of is... AARON Can we get to the point here? FRANK Fine by me. Aaron is now extremely irritated. He exchanges a look with Ryan confirming that there's no other way out. AARON (TO FRANK) If I write this check, then that's it. You give us the photos and stay away from our mother. Deal? FRANK Deal. Aaron sits down at the desk and reluctantly takes out his check book. He starts writing. FRANK (CONT'D) (TO AARON) Is it your first one? Aaron stops writing and looks up at him. AARON What? FRANK The novel... it's a first draft? AARON Yeah. So? FRANK No, nothing. Aaron continues to write the check. FRANK (CONT'D) I tried writing once... Didn't work for me, either. I think it's just a gift. You either have it or you don't... It must be hard for you though, especially since your younger brother is such a great writer. (TO RYAN) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 73 CONTINUED: (2) FRANK (CONT'D) Your father and I read "Black Hurt" together. Truly amazing. We loved it. He was so proud of you. RYAN Thanks... I guess... Aaron rips the check into little pieces. AARON That's it. I can't do it. RYAN Aaron, what are you doing? AARON There's no way in the world I'm giving him my hard earned money. RYAN Don't be stupid. Not today. I'll pay you back as soon as my money comes in. AARON He comes in today! Of all days, he picks the day of my father's funeral! Who the hell is he? RYAN He has the pictures! AARON So what. Who cares what he's got. Let him show the world. Put it on facebook. I don't care. RYAN AARON- AARON Let's just get it over with. There's a long pause as everyone seems to be deciding what to do. Finally, Frank stands up. FRANK Fine. This is on your head. Frank heads towards the door. RYAN What? No, wait. (CONTINUED) 74. CONTINUED: (3) Ryan rushes to stand in front of the door, blocking Frank's EXIT FRANK Get out of my way. RYAN Let's just discuss this a minute. FRANK There's nothing to discuss. Frank grabs the door and tries to open it. FRANK (CONT'D) Get out of my way. He tries to push past, but Ryan covers his mouth, muffling his cries. FRANK (CONT'D) (MUFFLED) Get out of my way. Move! Ryan restrains Frank. INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME A few mourners hear the commotion and the muffled voices. They turn to look. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Ryan grabs Frank and wrestles him to the ground. Aaron watches, absolutely shocked as Ryan and Frank roll around on the floor. Aaron jumps up and stands between them and the door. AARON Ryan, what are you doing? FRANK Get off me! Ryan is trying to muffle Frank's screams. RYAN Aaron, help me! Ryan is holding Frank down and trying to keep him quiet. FRANK Ah!! (CONTINUED) 75. CONTINUED: RYAN Aaron, you got any rope or duct tape? AARON What?! I'm not a serial killer. I don't keep rope and duct tape in my pocket. RYAN Well just grab something! (indicating with his head) There, from the curtains. Aaron grabs the cord that's tied around the curtains. He holds it over the wrestling duo, but Ryan's hands are occupied with Frank. RYAN (CONT'D) Tie his legs. Aaron grabs his legs and in doing so falls on top of Frank as well. As he wraps the curtain cord around Frank's legs... AARON This is a really bad idea. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine leans against the wall listening as Oscar hums in the bathroom. She slides down the wall and sits on the floor. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW - SAME TIME From a rooftop POV we see the window slide open and Oscar, dripping with sweat and not wearing a shirt, lean out. He takes a deep breath of fresh air and listens to the birds. He climbs out the window revealing he's completely naked. He stands on-the roof and lifts his hands to the sky. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Michelle comes up and sits next to Elaine. MICHELLE Men. ELAINE Tell me about it... How's Aaron? (CONTINUED) 76. CONTINUED: MICHELLE How would I know? He's been avoiding me all day. We're trying to get pregnant. But I can't really do that by myself, can I? I feel like I'm making him eat brussel sprouts every time we do it. Elaine looks at her. ELAINE The guy's father just died. Don't you think this is a bad day for sex? MICHELLE Don't you think I know that? ELAINE I'm sorry. At least your husband didn't ruin the funeral. MICHELLE It's a funeral, it's already ruined. When you start off with a dead guest of honor, how much worse can it get? INT. STUDY - DAY Ryan and Aaron struggle with Frank, who's muffled cries are starting to fade. RYAN Get that tie. Aaron grabs the necktie from off the desk. AARON What am I supposed to do with the tie? RYAN Whatever you do with a tie. AARON I don't know what to-- RYAN Just stuff it in his mouth! Damn, I have to do everything? AARON Apparently everything but write a damn check. (CONTINUED) 77. CONTINUED: Suddenly the door opens and Norman enters. NORMAN Aaron, do you know what was in this cake, I- ANGLE ON: Frank who looks at Norman bug eyed hoping he'll help. RYAN Shut the goddamn door! Shocked, Norman does as he's told. It takes Norman a moment to register that Aaron and Ryan are sitting on top of Frank. Frank continues screaming through the cloth. NORMAN What is going on? Who is that guy? Ryan thinks quickly. RYAN He's having a seizure. NORMAN I just found some Valium outside. Would that help? RYAN Yeah. Great. Give him some. Frank shakes his head "no." Norman gets on his knees with the guys and opens the bottle. NORMAN It's okay. This should help. calm you down. Frank tries to protest, but can't. Ryan holds Frank's mouth open as Aaron holds his nose closed. Norman pours a few pills into Frank's mouth, then Ryan holds Frank's mouth shut. Suddenly the door opens again and Jeff walks in. JEFF Have you seen a little brown pill bottle lying around-- They all turn to Jeff. Frank looks at him, hoping this time he'll get saved. (CONTINUED) 78 CONTINUED: (2) RYAN Norman! I told you to lock the damn door. NORMAN You said "shut the damn door." Jeff locks the door and looks shocked. JEFF What's going on? NORMAN He's having a seizure. JEFF Why is he all tied up? No one knows what to say. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Oscar stands on the roof, naked, breathing in the fresh air. INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff, Aaron, Ryan and Norman are all kneeling over Frank. JEFF He's blackmailing you? Over what? AARON If I could tell everybody, it wouldn't be blackmail. RYAN Look, just trust us. He's the bad guy. We'll explain later. NORMAN What are you going to do with him? Everyonerealizes they have no answer to this question. AARON Yeah, Ryan, what are we going to do with him? Ryan doesn't have any answers. RYAN I don't know. (CONTINUED) 79. CONTINUED: AARON You don't know?! Come on, you're the big writer. You're the one who came up with "Black Hurt." Dream up something where we all live happily ever after. We can't keep him tied up forever. How long do you think those Valium are going to last? JEFF Valium? NORMAN Yeah, I found that bottle of Valium. We gave him a few to calm him down. Norman hands him the bottle. JEFF Ah shit! Jeff stands up and heads over to the door. AARON What? FRANK (MUFFLED) What? They all head over to Jeff. Frank looks extremely curious to know what's going on. Everyone talks very quietly so that Frank can't hear. RYAN What is it? JEFF The thing is... those pills aren't really Valium. It's acid and... acid. AARON What?! JEFF Oscar took one by mistake. That's why he's acting crazy. AARON Jeff, what the hell are you doing with this stuff? (CONTINUED) 80. CONTINUED: (2) JEFF A friend left them at my place. AARON What friend, Amy Winehouse? RYAN Wait, you're telling us that Elaine's boyfriend, who knocked over our father's coffin, had just one of these things... AARON (TO NORMAN) And you gave him how many? Norman looks a bit guilty. NORMAN Five. JEFF Five?! (looking at Frank) Poor bastard. NORMAN I thought they were Valium. They all turn and look at Frank who is looking back at them, increasingly concerned by whatever conversation they are having, and the pitying expressions on their faces. AARON Maybe we should call an ambulance. JEFF You can't do that. I'll go to jail. RYAN He's right. If anyone finds out this guy's been force fed acid, we could all be arrested. AARON So what then? What's going to happen? Is he going to die?! JEFF No... I don't think so... I doubt it.. Probably not... (CONTINUED) 81. CONTINUED: (3) The moment is broken by someone trying the door, followed by a knock. CYNTHIA (O.S.) Ryan? EXT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME Cynthia is knocking on the door. CYNTHIA Aaron? INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS They all back away from the door. CYNTHIA (O.S. Are you in there? They look at each other in panic. RYAN Damn. AARON (as normal as possible) Be out in a minute, Mom. Ryan looks at Norman and Jeff. RYAN (to Norman and Jeff) Okay. We have to go out there. You two stay in here and watch him. Ryan closes the curtains. NORMAN Watch him?! What do you mean, "watch him"? RYAN Just make sure he doesn't escape. Lock the door behind us. We'll deal with him after the funeral. Aaron and Ryan open the study door leaving Norman and Jeff to take care of Frank. 82. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron and Ryan come outside trying to look as normal as possible. They see Cynthia standing with the reverend. AARON . How's it going, Mom? CYNTHIA Reverend Davis wants to talk with you. INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS Norman locks the door behind them. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Reverend Davis tries to remain cool, but she's agitated. REVEREND DAVIS Lookie here, brother. I've been patient. We all know it's a virtue, but I'm about done with patience. Now if we don't resume service soon, we're going to need to have a little conversation about my compensation. AARON Sure. So sorry. Um... can you just give us another five minutes? The reverend doesn't look too pleased. REVEREND DAVIS Five minutes. CYNTHIA Is everything okay, boys? Ryan and Aaron kiss their mother and walk off. INT. GARAGE - DAY Aaron and Ryan enter and slam the door. RYAN Why didn't you just pay him the money?! AARON Why did you tie him up?! (CONTINUED) 83. CONTINUED: RYAN Do you want Mom to find out?! AARON What is wrong with you? They start to argue. INT. KITCHEN - DAY We hear their muffled argument through the door. Uncle Russell rolls up to Derek who is sitting at the kitchen table. UNCLE RUSSELL What's your problem?! DEREK Women are my problem. UNCLE RUSSELL No such thing as having a woman without a problem. If they didn't have problems, do you think they'd let us touch 'em? Let me tell you something about women. Smarter than you think they are. But not as smart as they think they are. DEREK She acts like she doesn't care that I exist. I mean how can she not feel what I feel? UNCLE RUSSELL (LAUGHS) Oh she feels it. She's playing hard to get. She wants you to work for it. Look, let me tell something about women. They want a man who can control them. I know they talk all this Oprah, Beyonce "single women" BS, but what they really want is an old school man. DEREK Really? UNCLE RUSSELL Listen here, boy. This is what you do: you walk up to her, slap her-- (CONTINUED) 84. CONTINUED: DEREK Slap her? You want me to hit her? UNCLE RUSSELL Has not hitting her worked? Look, then you grab her and kiss her. The harder the better. DEREK Are you sure, 'cause that-- UNCLE RUSSELL Oh, man, I gotta shit. Where's the can? He rolls away quickly. INT. STUDY - DAY Norman and Jeff are sitting in the study. Frank is on the floor tied up, breathing heavily and making gurgling sounds. JEFF I can't believe you gave him five. Even if they were Valium, that's too many. I wouldn't give a guy five cough drops. Suddenly they hear the doorknob rattle. Norman and Jeff both look terrified. FRANK (MUFFLED) Hello? Jeff covers his mouth. UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) Hello?! Neither Norman nor Jeff want to speak. They argue in gestures. Finally Jeff relents. JEFF Hello? UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) I need the toilet. Jeff and Norman both look panicked. Norman goes to the door. (CONTINUED) 85. CONTINUED: NORMAN Can't you use the one upstairs? UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) I'm in a wheelchair, you idiot! How am I supposed to get up the stairs?! FRANK (MUFFLED) Hello? Norman and Jeff look at each other not knowing what to do. UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) Open the damn door! Uncle Russell starts banging on the door with his cane. NORMAN What are we going to do? They look at Frank who's starting to look high as a kite. JEFF We'll stick him behind the couch. NORMAN (CALLS OUT) Just looking for the key. They pick Frank up and dump him behind the couch. Jeff stays with Frank to keep him quiet as Norman opens the door. Uncle Russell wheels himself inside. UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm about to take a dump in my pants! INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine is still standing outside the bathroom. Derek comes up to talk to her. Elaine's completely drained and stressed. ELAINE What do you want, Derek? DEREK I just want to talk. (CONTINUED) 86. CONTINUED: ELAINE Please don't make me go through this again. DEREK The only reason you don't want to go out with me is because your dad likes me. ELAINE No. The reason I don't want to go out with you is because it was a mistake. I was drunk off my ass. You could have been a donkey. DEREK Thanks. ELAINE That wasn't a compliment. I'm saying I couldn't remember it. DEREK Well I remember every minute of it. ELAINE A minute, huh? That's why I don't remember. DEREK What is it about this guy? What has he got that I haven't got? ELAINE Okay, well for one thing, he's responsible. He's caring. He's considerate. He's thoughtful. He's stable. He's-- EXT. ROOF - DAY Oscar is leaning over the ledge playing with his spit and laughing uncontrollably. INT. GARAGE DAY Aaron and Ryan are still arguing. AARON I'm not the one who tied him up. (CONTINUED) 87. CONTINUED: RYAN Well somebody had to look out for Mom. AARON (INCENSED) I've been looking out for Mom since you got your book deal. RYAN You just can't get over it, can you? You're burning with jealousy because I left and did what you always wanted to do. AARON I couldn't leave because I had responsibilities. RYAN Don't put it off on responsibilities. You spent three years on a novel and you won't even let anyone see it! What are you going to do? Wait until you're dead? You think you're going to be the Tupac of books? AARON At least I'm not some hack writing crap. Mr. "Mama's Secret", Mr. "Black Hurt." RYAN Mr. "Out of Ink", Mr. "Blank Page." At least my crap gets published. Michelle enters. MICHELLE Aaron, what is going on? AARON Michelle, please, not now. MICHELLE Why are you acting like this? Fine. We don't have to have sex today, but the condo? Don't you want to get out of here? AARON MICHELLE-- (CONTINUED) 88. CONTINUED: (2) RYAN Just tell her, Aaron. MICHELLE Tell me what? Aaron closes the garage door. AARON Listen... Do you remember the guy in the leather jacket? MICHELLE Yeah. AARON Well, I don't know how to say this, but... it looks like he and my father were having sex. MICHELLE What? No. Not your father. With him? AARON Yes. MICHELLE No. Your father was the straightest guy I know. RYAN That's what I thought. MICHELLE Are you sure? AARON And now he wants thirty thousand dollars or he's going to show everyone photos of them doing... stuff... MICHELLE Stuff like what? Aaron and Ryan share a look. Aaron shows Michelle the picture. She reacts. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Norman lifts Uncle Russell out of the chair. (CONTINUED) 89. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Hurry up! Norman is struggling to hold Uncle Russell up. UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D) Have you got me? NORMAN Yes, I've got you. UNCLE RUSSELL Come on, quick, quick, quick. NORMAN Alright, I'm trying to see where the toilet is. He maneuvers Uncle Russell to the toilet. UNCLE RUSSELL Pants down. Pants down. NORMAN No you do it. UNCLE RUSSELL How can I do it? I'm handicapped. Norman reluctantly helps Uncle Russell pull his pants down. NORMAN Alright. Alright. UNCLE RUSSELL Drawers. Drawers. Take down my drawers. NORMAN Who calls them "drawers"? Norman pulls them down. NORMAN (CONT'D) It's all down. UNCLE RUSSELL Am I there? Am I there? Norman looks and sees Uncle Russell is right over the toilet. (CONTINUED) 90. CONTINUED: (2) NORMAN Yes, yes. Just sit down. Uncle Russell sits down on the toilet trapping Norman's hand underneath and lets loose. UNCLE RUSSELL Ooh, that's better. Norman pulls his hand out and looks at it in shock. ANGLE ON: Norman's hand has shit on the fingers. He starts freaking out and screaming. INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff hears Norman and jumps up. NORMAN (O.S.) Ahh!!! Jeff goes into the bathroom to see what's going on. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Jeff opens the door and rushes in, but is stopped in his tracks by Norman's shitty hand. NORMAN Ahh!!! JEFF Ugh! Norman, panicking, rushes to the sink, turns on the faucet full blast and sticks his hand under the water. This causes a great splashing. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Frank peeks up from behind the couch. He's clearly high. With his hands still tied, he struggles to get to his feet. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Norman frantically washes his hands. JEFF Norman? Norman? Norman still has his face down. (CONTINUED) 91 CONTINUED: NORMAN Please, please. Just come off. JEFF Norman! Norman turns and we see he has shit splattered on his face. NORMAN What? Jeff points to his face. JEFF You missed some. Norman turns slowly and looks in the mirror. He freaks out. NORMAN Oh, I think I've got some of it in my mouth! Norman desperately rushes to wash it off. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank is now up on his feet and running around like a rabid animal. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - SAME TIME Jeff pulls Norman up and shakes him. JEFF Pull yourself together. Would you rather get caught or have shit in your mouth?! Uncle Russell has fallen asleep on the toilet. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Frank is running around the room. Through the door, we see Uncle Russell sleeping on the toilet. Frank jumps up and down on the sofa. He loses his balance and falls on the coffee table head first. He cracks his head on the corner and falls straight down. Jeff and Norman rush out of the bathroom to find Frank lying on the floor motionless, blood on his head. (CONTINUED) 92. CONTINUED: NORMAN Oh, no. Check him. Check him. JEFF Hey, man, you alright? No response. NORMAN Check him again. Check him. JEFF Man. Hey. Hey! NORMAN Wake him up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. JEFF What's his name? NORMAN I don't know. Try Larry. Jeff looks at Norman, but he doesn't have a better idea. JEFF Larry? NORMAN Shake him. Jeff bends down and shakes him. JEFF Larry, wake up. It's time to get up. From the bathroom, Uncle Russell starts to stir. Norman quickly closes the door. NORMAN Maybe it's not Larry. Try something else. Pinch him. Jeff pinches Frank. Still no response. NORMAN (CONT'D) He must be breathing. He has to be breathing. Please God let him be breathing. (CONTINUED) 93. CONTINUED: (2) Jeff looks concerned. He checks for a pulse. He looks up at Norman with an expression that tells us all we need to know. JEFF He's dead. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Michelle walks into frame and stops at the coffin. Aaron and. Ryan stand on either side of her. MICHELLE So that's it? We're just giving him all the money we've saved? AARON Well, it's not that simple. MICHELLE Why not? RYAN Aaron refused to pay. MICHELLE How come you couldn't pay, Ryan? RYAN That's not the point. Besides, the only reason Aaron tore up the check is because the guy started talking bad about his novel. MICHELLE Your novel? Michelle looks confused. MICHELLE (CONT'D) You let him read your novel? You wouldn't let me read your novel. Are you screwing him, too? 'Cause Lord knows you're not screwing me. INT.HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman comes out of the study and closes the door behindhim. He leans against the door, dripping with sweat. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron and Ryan look over and see Norman. (CONTINUED) 94. CONTINUED: ANGLE ON: Norman as he pastes a maniacal grin on his face and crosses into the living room. As he moves through the throng of mourners, they are all unnerved by him. NORMAN Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me. Hi. The hugesmile never leaves his face. ANGLE ON: Ryan, Aaron and Michelle watching Norman, concerned. Norman approaches and stands on the other side of the coffin. AARON Norman, why are you grinning like that? NORMAN (to Aaron and Ryan) Can you come to the study for a second? Aaron can see from Norman's face, and the sweat on his forehead, that something serious has happened. Then he sees Cynthia sitting in the corner. AARON (TO MICHELLE) I'll be back soon. Can you check on Mom? MICHELLE Sure. They exit. Michelle crosses to Cynthia. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Hey, are you doing okay? It's going to be alright. CYNTHIA If you've never given life, child, how can you understand death? INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff is leaning on the window. There's a knock at the door. AARON (O.S.) It's Aaron. Jeff opens the door. Norman, Ryan and Aaron enter. Norman locks the door behind them. Aaron rushes over to the body. (CONTINUED) 95 CONTINUED: AARON (CONT'D) Oh shit! Call an ambulance. JEFF There's no point. AARON What do you mean "there's no point"?! JEFF Look at him! He's dead! AARON Dead, dead? RYAN Is there a "kind of" dead, Aaron? AARON What the hell did you do to him? NORMAN We didn't do anything! AARON Well he was alive when I left. JEFF He hit his head on the table. AARON Oh no. This is really bad. This is really, really bad. JEFF What are we going to do? AARON Twenty-five to life. Norman looks at his watch. NORMAN You know what, I really have to be SOMEPLACE ELSE-- Norman makes his way to the door. JEFF You're not going anywhere. (CONTINUED) 96. CONTINUED: (2) NORMAN Look, I'm not the prison type. They'll kill me. Oh my God, I'm going to die. I'm going to die in prison. Oh my God, do you know how fast a rash spreads in prison? Aaron smacks Norman. AARON Pull yourself together! Norman calms down. NORMAN Thanks, man. After a beat, Ryan speaks. RYAN Look, no one here knows who this guy is. Nobody knows his name. They probably didn't even notice him. AARON Didn't notice him? He's four fucking feet tall. RYAN Look, all we have to do is get rid of the body. It'll be like he came and left. AARON Get rid of the body?! It took me two months to get rid of a couch. JEFF Did any of you happen to notice the size of Uncle Edward's coffin? Everyone looks at Jeff. AARON (TO JEFF) You want to bury him with my father? JEFF Why not?... I mean it's not like he's going to know. (CONTINUED) 97. CONTINUED: (3) AARON That's not the point. RYAN You have to admit, it makes sense, Aaron. The coffin's there, the hole in the ground's there... He'll be gone, finished, end of story... Unless you have a better suggestion. Aaron desperately tries to think of an alternative. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Derek and Elaine are sitting in the corridor. Elaine looks drained of energy. Derek's smoking a cigarette. DEREK It's funny. No matter what you say, I'm convinced we'll be together. ELAINE Yeah, well, we all make mistakes... I used to be convinced I was going to marry Prince. What happened there? DEREK You still could. ELAINE You're an idiot. DEREK I'm serious. You only live once. You might as well do whatever it is that makes you happy. ELAINE Yes, but maybe I don't think of life anymore as all about me, me, me. Maybe I've discovered there's something outside of myself that I care about. And maybe you should, too. Derek looks hurt. DEREK That's kind of cold. I care about you. (CONTINUED) 98. CONTINUED: ELAINE No, Derek, you care about you. You only care about me in relation to how I affect you. There's a difference. DEREK That's not true, Elaine. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Oscar is squatting down rolling his head around when he hears Elaine's voice. ELAINE (O.S.) Derek, get over yourself. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS Elaine moves over to the window. Derek follows her. DEREK Hey! He slaps her on the butt. Elaine whirls around. Derek grabs her on the arms. DEREK (CONT'D) I'm the man for you, and you're coming home with me. He kisses her. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Oscar turns to look at the window and sees Derek and Elaine kissing. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - LATER Elaine pulls away and punches Derek in the face. He staggers back and sees Oscar in the window. DEREK What is that?! Elaine turns around. ELAINE Oscar! 99. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Oscar moves away from the window and further out on the ledge. Elaine opens the window and sticks her head out. ELAINE Oscar! What are you doing? Get back here and put your clothes on right now! OSCAR I saw you kissing him. ELAINE I wasn't kissing him. I swear. Please, baby, put your clothes on. We're at a funeral! Derek sticks his head out the window behind Elaine. OSCAR You cheater! You cheater! You're committing adultery!!! ELAINE Calm down. OSCAR I'm going to jump right now. ELAINE Remember you've got drugs in you. This isn't really happening. Oscar, look at me. She turns to Derek. ELAINE (CONT'D) (TO DEREK) Get out of here! She pushes him back inside. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME As mourners mill about the lawn we hear: OSCAR (O.S.) I'm going to jump. I'm jumping. You're a cheater! (CONTINUED) 100. CONTINUED: People gather. around and look up. We only see Oscar from the waist up. ANGLE ON: Oscar. OSCAR (CONT'D) I'm going to jump. She's cheating on me! ELAINE (O.S.) Oscar, please. Come back here. INT. STUDY - DAY Ryan, Aaron, Jeff and Norman are as we left them. NORMAN There's just no way we can do it. It's impossible. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Everyone freezes. DEREK (O.S.) Norman, it's Derek. Let me in. Everyone freezes. RYAN Oh shit. Put him in the bathroom. Aaron and Jeff drag Frank to the bathroom door. DEREK (O.S.) Are you in there? Aaron opens the door and we see Uncle Russell still on the toilet. He looks up. UNCLE RUSSELL What's that? Aaron slams the door. We can hear Russell's muffled shouting coming from behind the bathroom door. AARON Norman!! Why is Uncle Russell on the toilet? NORMAN I forgot! (CONTINUED) 101. CONTINUED: AARON How could you forget?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Another loud bang on the door. DEREK (O.S.) Aaron, open the door. Norman opens the door as Aaron runs over to keep Derek from entering. INT. STUDY/CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron opens the door an inch. AARON What is it? DEREK Aaron, where's Norman? NORMAN (from behind the door) I'm here. DEREK It's Oscar, he went crazy. He's-- Derek realizes that something weird's going on. DEREK (CONT'D) What's going on? AARON Nothing. Derek puts aside his curiosity for the time being. DEREK Look, Oscar's on the roof stark naked. He saw me kissing Elaine and now he's threatening to jump! JEFF I've got to go. Jeff rushes to the door. RYAN Where are you going? (CONTINUED) 102. CONTINUED: JEFF I have to go out there. If he jumps, my sister is going to kill me. Jeff rushes out. AARON (to Ryan and Norman) Wait here. Aaron follows Jeff, but he does not run. He walks out. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Jeff rushes through the empty room. Aaron walks behind him slowly. EXT. BACK GARDEN DAY Jeff runs through the kitchen door and joins the mourners looking at Oscar on the roof. ELAINE Get back here. Be careful! OSCAR I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky! ANGLE ON: Aaron who steps out and sees everybody watching Oscar. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Elaine is still leaning out the window. ELAINE Oscar, come inside. We'll have some coffee. OSCAR (PETULANTLY) No! He climbs up on the roof. ELAINE Oscar! She climbs out the window. 103. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME The mourners see that Oscar is naked. He stumbles. Everybody GASPS! Aaron notices that everybody is captivated by the drama. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Elaine follows Oscar on the roof. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME Duncan sees Elaine on the roof. DUNCAN Elaine, what are you doing?! Elaine sees Oscar climbing further up the roof. DUNCAN (CONT'D) Elaine! Elaine follows Oscar. Aaron realizes this is his chance. He heads back inside. Michelle catches him at the door. MICHELLE What are you doing? AARON I think I can get rid of this guy, but I need you to stay out here and try to stop anyone from coming in. MICHELLE Okay. I'll do what I can. She heads back to the crowd on the lawn. As Aaron goes through the doorway of the kitchen, Derek passes him on the way out to the lawn to see what's happening. DUNCAN (O.S.) Elaine! INT. STUDY - DAY Norman is standing in the corner. Aaron knocks on the door. NORMAN Who is it? (CONTINUED) 104. CONTINUED: AARON (O.S.) It's Aaron! Norman opens the door. AARON (CONT'D) Everyone's out in the garden... We've gotta move the body now. RYAN Let's go! Ryan and Aaron grab Frank. As Norman runs out. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman looks around and sees that it's clear. He goes back to the study and opens the door. NORMAN Quick. Quick! Aaron and Ryan carry Frank out as Norman looks around. RYAN Make sure no one comes in. As they disappear around the corner,, Norman closes the study door. He turns just in time to find Reverend Davis approaching. He intercepts. NORMAN (to Reverend Davis) Hi! The reverend looks around, not knowing why Norman is being so especially friendly to her. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan and Aaron hurry across the living room carrying Frank. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman is blocking Reverend Davis. NORMAN So, what made you decide to get your God on? (CONTINUED) 105. CONTINUED: REVEREND DAVIS Look, I'm sorry, I really need to use THE PHONE-- NORMAN I'd like to make a confession. REVEREND DAVIS I'm not a priest. NORMAN That's okay, 'cause I'm not Catholic. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron and Ryan get to the coffin and Ryan opens it up. There's an intense moment as they look down at their father in the coffin. They both stop for a moment, speechless. RYAN Aaron, we have to do this. Aaron looks up at Ryan and nods his assent. Ryan and Aaron lift up Frank and try their best to put him in the coffin. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman still blocks the reverend. NORMAN What do you think God's favorite color is? REVEREND DAVIS (ANNOYED) I have no idea. NORMAN I'll bet it's blue. The sky's blue. The seas are blue. And the winds blew, too. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan and Aaron are staring at the body. Frank is on his stomach, tops to tails with their father. Aaron looks at it and decides that it's just wrong. AARON We can't leave it like that. (CONTINUED) 106. CONTINUED: Ryan looks down and laughs. RYAN In a strange way, this might have been what he wanted. AARON Be serious for a second. They begin lifting him again. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Norman is doing his best to keep Reverend Davis at bay. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan have swiveled the body around so that Frank is facing upwards. RYAN Why do you say I don't take anything seriously? You complain about me all the time, but if I didn't play the bad boy, you couldn't play the martyr. (MOCKING) Aaron's so great, Aaron's so right, Aaron's so responsible. (back to normal) Why don't you try laughing and enjoying life once in a while? It might make you a better a writer. INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY Norman is still talking to Reverend Davis. She looks like she really doesn't want to be there. REVEREND DAVIS Look, I must get to a phone. There's a man on the roof who's going to jump. NORMAN I'm addicted to strip clubs. The shoes, the poles, the smell. I just like to take my money and throw it in the air. I like to make it rain. 107. EXT. ROOF - DAY Elaine is stepping off the fire escape ladder and onto the roof peak. Oscar sits sadly on the roof peak with his back to the crowd. ELAINE Oscar... Please don't do this... love you. OSCAR Then why were you with him? ELAINE I wasn't with him. OSCAR Yes, you were! I saw you! EXT. BACK GARDEN - CONTINUOUS Derek is laughing next to Jeff. We see the view from their POV. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Elaine finally gets closer to Oscar. OSCAR I'll never be good enough. Not for your dad, and not for you. ELAINE Oscar, please just come inside. OSCAR No. You go inside. ELAINE Come with me. OSCAR Why? ELAINE Because you're going to be a father. Oscar looks at her, shocked. OSCAR What? (CONTINUED) 108. CONTINUED: ELAINE I'm pregnant. We're going to have a child... ANGLE ON: Oscar and Elaine. OSCAR You're pregnant? Oscar is overcome with emotion. Elaine holds out her hand. ELAINE I won't be able to do it without you. Very slowly, a naked Oscar, walks toward her and they embrace. The crowd applauds. ANGLE ON: Michelle. MICHELLE What about me?! I want a baby. Would somebody get me pregnant?! Everybody looks at Michelle. She smiles weakly. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY Seeing Oscar is safe, Jeff is very relieved. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Norman and the reverend hear applause. Reverend Davis heads back out to see what's up. Norman turns to check on Ryan and Aaron. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan are just about to close the lid. They both look down at their father one last time. Aaron takes a moment to touch his father's hand. AARON Bye, Dad. Ryan takes a long look as he closes the coffin. EXT. ROOF - DAY Oscar turns toward the crowd. (CONTINUED) 109. CONTINUED: OSCAR (ANNOUNCING WILDLY) We're having a baby. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY General approval noises and applause come from the crowd. Duncan looks appalled. DUNCAN Great. Duncan heads toward the kitchen door. He passes a shocked looking Derek. Michelle follows and speaks loudly as Duncan is about to enter the kitchen. MICHELLE Aaron?! Oscar's off the roof! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan quickly shut the coffin a moment before Duncan enters the living room through the kitchen door and crosses on the way to the stairs. DUNCAN I'm going to kill him. Jeff follows Duncan in, looks at the coffin, then looks at Aaron and Ryan questioning them with his eyes. They return the look with silent assurance that the job is done. Michelle comes in. MICHELLE (TO AARON) Hey, is he gone? AARON Yeah. MICHELLE Thank God. Everybody breathes a sigh of relief. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Elaine helps Oscar through the window. OSCAR Thank you. (CONTINUED) 110. CONTINUED: DUNCAN (O.S.) Elaine! Elaine opens the bathroom door and Duncan enters. Elaine helps Oscar get dressed. DUNCAN (CONT'D) (TO ELAINE) Thank God you're safe. (TO OSCAR) You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you? Stay away from my daughter. ELAINE Look, Dad-- DUNCAN Elaine, stay out of this. ELAINE No, I'm not staying out of this. Remember how I told you we were moving in together? Well, I lied. We're getting married. Duncan is shocked. DUNCAN You're what?! ELAINE We're getting married. DUNCAN Elaine, you don't have to marry him just because you're pregnant. ELAINE I'm not marrying him because I'm pregnant. I'm marrying him because I love him. DUNCAN How can you love him? He's an idiot. ELAINE Dad, this is my life. If you don't like it, too bad. But if you want to keep me and my child in your life, you'd better change your attitude, especially about my husband. (CONTINUED) 111. CONTINUED: (2) Elaine exits, taking Oscar with her. OSCAR Bye, Dad. They exit. EXT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Cynthia walks up to Aaron. CYNTHIA Baby, I really think we should start again now. Have you seen Uncle Russell? Aaron remembers where he is and looks at Ryan. They rush off to the study, passing Jeff. Jeff checks his pockets and realizes the pills are gone again. He goes off to find them. INT. STUDY - DAY Aaron and Ryan enter the study and head toward the closed bathroom door. They open it and find Uncle Russell sitting on the toilet. UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is going on in this place? AARON I'm so sorry, Uncle Russell. There was someone on the roof-- UNCLE RUSSELL Never mind that. What about that dead body you dragged in here? Aaron and Ryan feign ignorance. AARON What dead body? UNCLE RUSSELL Don't mess with me. I know a dead body when I see one. I live in a retirement home. 112. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Norman sniffs his fingers, worried. In the background we see Elaine entering the room with Oscar, now dressed, but still looking a bit wired. People respond with scattered applause and congratulations. Derek walks over and joins Norman. DEREK Did you hear that? She's having a kid! Derek looks at Norman who's looking sort of distant. DEREK (CONT'D) How's your skin thing? NORMAN Oh that... It's probably nothing. I'm more worried about Hepatitis C after having Uncle Russell's shit in my mouth. I think I'm feeling yellow. Norman touches his skin as he walks away, leaving Derek confused. ANGLE ON: Jeff frantically looking for the pill bottle. He gives up and sits in a chair. ANGLE ON: Ryan is wheeling Uncle Russell into the room as Aaron moves to his seat. UNCLE RUSSELL I'm telling you I saw the guy. He was dead! RYAN I know you did, Russell. We all did. UNCLE RUSSELL No! In the bathroom. Ryan offers a look to the other mourners indicating that Uncle Russell's a bit mad and shouldn't be listened to. ANGLE ON: Michelle comes over to Aaron. AARON I can't believe what a nightmare today has been. (CONTINUED) 113. CONTINUED: MICHELLE I don't know. It's been sort of exciting. Aaron looks at her. MICHELLE (CONT'D) For a funeral, I mean... AARON Listen, about the condo and the baby, I PROMISE-- MICHELLE We'll work it out. Let's just get this day over with. Then we can worry about the rest of our lives. Aaron hugs Michelle. AARON I can't believe I still have to do this eulogy... with everything I've just found out. A beat. MICHELLE It doesn't change anything, does it? AARON Not a thing. Reverend Davis approaches Aaron, looking at her watch and appearing flustered. REVEREND DAVIS We're going to have to fly through this now. I already missed a funeral and two Christenings. AARON Sure. Let's go. REVEREND DAVIS Do you want an open casket? AARON/RYAN/NORMAN/JEFF No! The reverend looks shocked at the reaction, but ignores it. She stands up at the front and speaks quickly. (CONTINUED) 114. CONTINUED: (2) REVEREND DAVIS Alright! Everybody in their seats now! (she snaps her fingers) Hey, you, sit down. People settle into their seats. Ryan manages to squeeze in next to Martina. He smiles at her, flirtatiously. Cynthia throws Ryan a look, and he gets up and goes to sit with her. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) (speaking very quickly) I'd like to apologize on behalf of the family for all of the distractions. I hope that everyone is settled and ready to continue with the service. Aaron, the oldest son, would like to say a few words about his father. Michelle gives Aaron an encouraging look as he makes his way to the front. Aaron clears his throat and prepares to begin. The room is absolutely silent. He takes a deep breath. ANGLE ON: The reverend nodding for Aaron to hurry up. ANGLE ON: Aaron. AARON My father... was an exceptional-- BANG! BANG! BANG! Suddenly, a loud banging emanates from the coffin. Everyone stares at it in stunned silence. Jeff looks over to Norman whose eyes are as wide as saucers. Aaron looks like a deer caught in headlights. He looks at Ryan who gestures to him to continue. He nervously struggles on. AARON (CONT'D) My father was an exceptional man. BANG! BANG! BANG! Everyone stares at the coffin in awe. Aaron bravely continues. AARON (CONT'D) Not only did he live for his family, but he was always there for others-- BANG! BANG! BANG! (CONTINUED) 115. CONTINUED: (3) DUNCAN What the hell is going on? MOURNER 1 There's someone in there! OSCAR I knew it! I knew it! Suddenly the coffin lid flips off and everyone stares in wonder as Frank sits up, looking like a crazy person, and babbling incoherently. Several people scream. Frank opens the other end of the coffin and looks at his dead lover. RYAN (trying to cover) What the hell are you doing in my Dad's coffin? Frank starts grabbing at Edward's body screaming. FRANK Edward! Edward! Edward! Ryan, Norman and Jeff try to pull Frank out of the coffin, but he's holding onto the corpse. FRANK (CONT'D) No! No! Finally they get Frank out and carry him from the room. As he passes Cynthia, the photos fall out of his pocket at her feet. As Duncan closes the coffin again, Cynthia bends down and picks up one of the photographs and stares at it. Her face turns to horror as she makes out the image. The noise in the room is broken by Cynthia's furious cry. She drops the photos and runs at Frank. CYNTHIA You bastard! Cynthia tackles Frank and starts beating him. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) (as she hits him) He was with you! Duncan picks up the photos. He shows them to Uncle Russell. (CONTINUED) 116. CONTINUED: (4) UNCLE RUSSELL I always thought he had a little sugar in his tank. Everything has descended into total chaos until Aaron finally shouts across the room. AARON MY FATHER WAS AN EXCEPTIONAL MAN!!! Everyone, including Frank and Cynthia, looks at Aaron, stunned. They all freeze. There's a long silence. AARON (CONT'D) He had his... shortcomings, but he took care of his family. He loved his family. He loved this house. He worked hard. All I wanted today was to show him how much we all loved and admired him. To give him the respect that he deserved... Is that really so much to ask? We all get so distracted by the... little things in life. We forget about the important things. Like the fact that we lost a great man. The mourners look up at Aaron with undivided attention. AARON (CONT'D) So maybe he loved "Dreamgirls" more than most men. We don't know why a man makes the choices he makes. But I do know that my father made the best choices he could make. Life is complicated. We're just thrown here together in a world filled with chaos and confusion... and we do our best. And Dad did his best... Aaron looks over at the coffin. As.he speaks, we see shots of Cynthia, Frank, Jeff, Norman, Duncan as they are moved by Aaron's words. AARON (CONT'D) He taught us to go for what we wanted in life, because you never know how long you're going to be here... And whether you succeed... or you fail... the important thing is that you tried. (CONTINUED) 117. CONTINUED: (5) A beat. Michelle looks up at her husband with pride. We see the various other mourners looking at Aaron and listening. AARON (CONT'D) So when you all leave here today, I want you to remember Dad for who he really was... A decent, loving man who never condemned anyone for how they lived. Who never cast disparaging remarks or held prejudices against race, gender... height. If only we could all be as giving, as generous, as understanding as my father... Even dead, my father has more character than everyone in this room. If I am half the man my father was, my child will be incredibly blessed. Aaron turns and walks out of the room. Everyone watches him go. Michelle follows him out of the room. FADE OUT: FADE IN: EXT. HOUSE - ESTABLISHING SHOT The house has emptied out. All the cars are gone. INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER - EVENING Aaron is laying on the couch, looking drained. Ryan comes down the stairs. It looks like he's had some time to recover. He walks over and takes a seat. AARON How's Mom? RYAN She's resting. A beat. RYAN (CONT'D) I've asked Mom to come live with me for awhile. It'll give you and Michelle a chance to breathe a bit, you know. Move and everything. Aaron looks at Ryan, surprised.

DEATH TO SMOOCHY by Adam Resnick December 2000 Early Draft FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY BEGIN CREDITS EXT. KIDNET STUDIO -C - EVENING A man in a puffy foam-rubber rhinoceros costume dancing under the bright friendly lights of a television studio. Another rhino and various foam-rubber animals dance behind him to the happy MUSIC. The rhino finishes his number and takes a bow. A bleacher full of kids bursts into wild applause. INT. BACKSTAGE - MOMENTS LATER After the taping. The rhino lumbers down the hallway toward wardrobe. He is suddenly grabbed by two large men and dragged out through the exit into... INT. DARK PARKING GARAGE ... where several thugs in overcoats emerge from the shadows and start beating him with lead pipes. One of the men pulls out a GUN and SHOOTS the rhino several times. The SHOTS REVERBERATE through the empty garage. FINAL CREDIT: CUT TO BLACK: SUPERIMPOSE: ONE YEAR EARLIER FADE UP ON: INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY It's the taping of another children's show -- "Rainbow Randolph and the Krinkle Kids." RANDOLPH SMILEY, a clean-cut man with a happy face and yellow bow tie, dances through Rainbowland with the "Krinkle Kids" (little people in top hats). He sings one of his signature songs: "Friends Come In All Sizes." One of the main Krinkle Kids -- ANGELO PIKE -- dances behind him. RANDOLPH (singing) 'Friends come in all sizes That's a fact! It's True! All colors of the rainbow from Mauve to Blue... (MORE) (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (CONT'D) Their names may not be different and their shoes may not match One might say 'grasp' while the other says 'snatch' Some like to toss while others like to caaaaatch... Beeee- caaaause... Friends come in all sizes Take it from me! Golly Gee! Size never matters when you want some friendly patter From a pal who is true and can lift you when you're blue You can count on him and he can count on yoooouuuu! It's true... that... (big finish) Friends come in all sizes!' DISSOLVE TO: MONTAGE - RAINBOW RANDOLPH MERCHANDISE "Sugar Rainbows Cereal," plastic toys lined up on store shelves, kids playing with Randolph dolls, kids eating "Rainbow Potato Chips" and "Rainbow Candies." A "Rainbow Burster," a kind of gun that shoots plastic rainbows. Marquees announcing upcoming live appearances, etc. We get the picture. Rainbow Randolph is the king of the kid shows. INT. DIMLY-LIT BAR - NIGHT A suburban-looking HUSBAND and WIFE enter. They find Rainbow Randolph sitting alone, drinking a Scotch. Hair slicked back, sans bow tie, the friendly face no longer looks so friendly. He nods for them to sit down. After a nervous beat, the Husband puts a briefcase on the table and slides it to Randolph. Randolph takes a gulp of his Scotch. He unsnaps the briefcase and opens it. Five grand stares him in the face. HUSBAND So... uh... you'll make sure my boy dances up front, right? Where he'll get the most camera time? Randolph slams the briefcase shut, startling the couple. RANDOLPH You want your kid on the show? (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: HUSBAND Of... of course. WIFE Yes, very much. RANDOLPH Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business. HUSBAND No, no, we were just -- Randolph rises. He takes a final gulp of his Scotch and picks up the briefcase. RANDOLPH I'll call you if a spot opens up. He starts to walk off. Suddenly, the Husband and Wife jump up from the table holding guns. HUSBAND Freeze, you cocksucker! WIFE Drop the briefcase! Federal agents storm into the bar and surround Randolph. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAWN Bundles of the morning editions are tossed onto the curb from passing trucks. The various headlines blare: "RAINBOW RANDOLPH BUSTED ACCEPTING BRIBE" "FCC PROBES KID SHOW BIZ" "CORRUPTION IN KRINKLELAND" INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY The Rainbow Randolph/Krinkle Kid set is being dismantled. Backdrops are rolled up and the giant rainbow centerpiece is wheeled off. Workers with push brooms sweep up tons of glittery "magic Rainbow dust." INT. NETWORK BOARDROOM - KIDNET - DAY We are TIGHT ON the sweating face of a MAN who looks like he's about to be executed. CUT BACK TO: 4. STOKES is standing at the end of a long conference table as the NETWORK BRASS glares at him. STOKES (addressing the brass) Gentlemen, let me be the first to say, in all sobriety, that I'm as shocked and outraged as all of -- The network CEO, a hog of a man, cuts him off. CEO Save it for the papers, Stokes. We've got nervous sponsors and an angry public -- a combination uglier than two monkeys fucking. What are you doing about it? STOKES Well, sir, I'm currently in the process of compiling a list of viable replacements and it's my hope... CEO Clean replacements? With background checks? I assure you, Mr. Stokes, this network cannot survive another Rainbow Randolph. The goddamn P.R. department looks like the Jim Jones camp. Another EXECUTIVE chimes in. EXECUTIVE #1 Remember, Stokes, this was your dog that crapped on our rug. EXECUTIVE #2 We trusted you, Frank. And now we're in a tight spot. We have to post our quarterly earnings next month, for Christ's sake. CEO Whoever takes that slot has to be a straight arrow. Clean as a whistle. EXECUTIVE #3 Right. Someone who'll take the heat off. One of those sweater types. Any chance of luring Fred Rogers away from P.B.S.? (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: EXECUTIVE #4 Yeah, if we back up the Brinks truck. EXECUTIVE #1 No way. The idea now is to stop the hemorrhaging. EXECUTIVE #2 You better fix this, Stokes. Get us a white bread replacement, fast. Bland, milk toast. Not a speck of controversy. A giant hand slams on the table. All heads snap. The CEO drags his fingers along the shiny mahogany. Deafening sound. CEO (calm and measured) Squeaky fucking clean. INT. STOKES' OFFICE - DAY Stokes sits behind his mahogany desk, sipping a glass of wine as he goes over potential Randolph replacements with NORA BISHOP, his pretty protege. STOKES Bumble Bee Billy? NORA (reading from a list) Wife beater. STOKES Square Dance Danny? NORA Still appealing the mail fraud thing. STOKES Skippy Black and the Tippy Trolls? NORA Black was deported, and the trolls... well, who gives a shit. Nora kicks the table in frustration. (CONTINUED) 6. CONTINUED: NORA This is impossible. If I ever see that Rainbow Randolph again I'll strangle him. Choke the life out of him. Squeeze his scrawny neck until his eyes pop out of his skull and bounce off the walls... STOKES Before indulging such cheery fantasies, let's just concentrate on saving my job. Shall we? NORA Sorry, Frank. Stokes flips through a thick stack of files. He suddenly stops at one. STOKES What's going on with Sheldon Mopes these days. Nora laughs. NORA Oh my God. Have we sunk to that level already? Smoochy the Rhino? What a sap. STOKES Sap's just the pill we need right now. Mopes is a straight arrow. Always has been. NORA The guy can't get arrested, Frank. He can't even break into the birthday party circuit. Last I heard he was working hospitals and nursing homes. He's a joke. Stokes stands up and walks around the room. STOKES The truth of the matter is, a successful children's show has always depended on two simple elements: a fuzzy costume and a lot of hype. Strip away the foam rubber and the network money and they're all jokes. Marginal talents.. cabaret acts... off- Broadway runoff... (CONTINUED) 7. CONTINUED: NORA I probably have ten acts in my development file -- acts I've been cultivating -- that are more deserving than Sheldon Mopes. STOKES And each one a moral question mark. Something I can't risk at the moment. NORA (frustrated) We can do better than this guy, Frank. He brings nothing to the table. STOKES Except ethics. With Mopes, there's never been a whiff of controversy. The man's an ethical, harmless, cornball. In short, a glass of milk on two legs. Stokes stops pacing. NORA Don't ask me to do it. You know I'll do anything for you, but please... not this... Stokes gazes out the window at the city. STOKES Go find Smoochy. EXT. CONEY ISLAND - EARLY EVENING The lighted Ferris wheel spins CENTER FRAME. We CRANE DOWN and eventually LAND ON a side street with the amusement park looming in the b.g. We're in FRONT of a small building. The half-lit neon sign reads: CONEY ISLAND METHADONE CENTER. We DRIFT THROUGH the double doors THROUGH the reception area where random junkies loiter and fill out paperwork. We CONTINUE DOWN a narrow hallway as the faint sound of someone SINGING and playing the GUITAR INCREASES. We finally burst THROUGH another set of doors marked "Treatment Room." The singing now fills our ears as we PUSH IN ON the "performer" -- a big, puffy, orange rhinoceros. Smoochy. Or to be more specific, SHELDON MOPES. (CONTINUED) 8. CONTINUED: Smoochy sits on a stool with his guitar and sings to the patients as they stand in line before a sliding glass window, where a nurse hands each person a little cup of methadone which they immediately drink. The Smoochy costume is a mass of misshapen orange foam rubber that exposes Sheldon's painted face in the front. A multi-colored horn protrudes from his forehead. SMOOCHY (SHELDON) (singing to the tune of 'She'll be Comin' round the Mountain') 'We'll get that monkey off your back, Yes we will, yes we will We'll get that monkey off your back, Yes we will...' 'We'll get that monkey off your back And get your life right back on track If you'll just give up the smack Yes you will, yes you will!!' The song ends. A few baffled junkies applaud. SMOOCHY Thanks, fellas. I'm rooting for you! We PAN AWAY FROM Sheldon TO the exit. Standing there in her coat, looking mortified, is Nora. INT. RECEPTION AREA - SHORT WHILE LATER Nora sits in the reception area. Sheldon emerges in his street clothes. He carries Smoochy's body on a hanger over his shoulder and carries a large shopping bag which holds Smoochy's head. NORA Mr. Mopes? Sheldon stops. SHELDON Yeah? (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: NORA I, uh, saw your performance tonight. Very... (searching) ... spirited. SHELDON Really? Thanks. I would've done a longer set if that guy hadn't pulled a knife on the security guard. Once the pepper spray starts flyin', that's it for the encores. NORA Yes, that did put a damper on the evening, didn't it? SHELDON Are you a new patient? On the juice, as we say? NORA Ah, no. But it's sweet of you to assume so. She hands him her card. He reads it. SHELDON 'Nora Bishop. V.P. of Development. Kidnet.' (to Nora) Good gravy. You work for Kidnet? NORA As stated. Sheldon grabs her hand and shakes it. SHELDON Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Nora. A real honor. Hey, you hungry? EXT. CONEY ISLAND BOARDWALK - NATHAN'S HOT DOGS - SHORT WHILE LATER Sheldon and Nora stand at the crowded counter at Nathan's. Sheldon ravenously eats his sloppily- garnished, oddly colored hot dog. Nora winces as she watches him. (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: SHELDON (with full mouth) Soy dogs... never thought I'd live to see the day. Organic, rich in natural protein, and nobody gets killed. Although I do feel bad for the beans. Just kidding. Sure you don't want one? NORA Believe it or not, no. He takes another bite. SHELDON So anyway, like I was saying, people always tell me, 'You gotta network, Sheldon... you gotta sell yourself... or you'll be playing the drug clinics and shopping centers the rest of your life.' And you know what I tell 'em? NORA I haven't the foggiest. SHELDON I tell 'em, it's not about the old handshake and back slap game. It's not about adding fuel to the shlock machine. It's about doing good work. Having integrity. Making people happy and delivering a positive message. Foundations are built with concrete, not plaster of Paris! He pulls the stained, misshapen Smoochy head from the shopping bag. SHELDON This is concrete! This is integrity! NORA (calmly) I can see that. Sheldon realizes his voice was getting too loud. SHELDON Sorry. As you can imagine, living by your convictions can be a little stressful at times. (CONTINUED) 11. CONTINUED: NORA We all have our cross to bear. SHELDON See, I was raised by my grandfather, and Grandpop paved driveways for a living... NORA Are we going into a story? SHELDON Thing is, he didn't really pave them. Just covered them with black paint. Of course, once the first rain came along, people realized they'd been swindled. I vowed to myself back then that I'd never make a living through deception. Never. Whadda ya think of them apples? Nora looks glassy-eyed. She takes a deep breath. NORA The reason I'm here today, Mr. Mopes, as fate would have it, Kidnet is currently looking for a performer with... convictions. And integrity. Someone like... She almost chokes on the word. NORA ... yourself. Sheldon laughs. SHELDON Yeah, right. Got any more jokes? NORA I don't think I could top that one. SHELDON Hold the phone. You're telling me that Kidnet is finally ready to do a show of Smoochy quality? Of Smoochy caliber? (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: NORA (dryly) Yes... I believe we're ready to push ourselves to that level. SHELDON I knew this day would come! After all these years I finally meet someone in the business who gets what I do. Who gets what I'm all about. You get me, don't you, Nora? NORA I'm afraid so. SHELDON Well, Miss V.P. of Development... let's go make history! CUT TO: PREP MONTAGE KIDNET STUDIO WARDROBE ROOM. A team of designers and seamstresses cut, sew and shape endless sheets of orange foam rubber. Sheldon stands on a wooden box as he's measured from head to toe. On the wall is a blueprint labeled "Smoochy the Rhino -- REDESIGN." A costume designer walks over with the new Smoochy head and places it on Sheldon. As seamstresses fit him with the new Smoochy costume, various signs and billboards FLOAT THROUGH the FRAME, trumpeting copy like: "IT'S ALMOST SMOOCHY TIME!" "GET READY TO BE SMOOCHED, AMERICA!" "ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS TILL SMOOCHY!" KIDNET STUDIO -C. Sets, props, and camera equipment are rolled into the studio. Through a SERIES of DISSOLVES we see the Smoochyland Magic Jungle take shape. KIDNET STUDIO -C - LATER A choreographer maps out a number for Smoochy and the "Rhinettes." (The Rhinettes are the former Krinkle Kid little people with horns strapped to their foreheads.) (CONTINUED) 13. CONTINUED: Nora and Stokes watch from the wings with a mixture of uncertainty and disgust. DISSOLVE BACK TO: WARDROBE ROOM A seamstress zips up the back of the finished, redesigned Smoochy costume. Sheldon stands proudly before the design team. Smoochy is now television ready: smoothed out, more colorful, less lumpy and exuding sunshiny happiness. DISSOLVE TO: STUDIO -C - BACKSTAGE Smoochy is about to enter with the Rhinettes. ANGELO, a former Krinkle Kid, stands beside him. SMOOCHY Angelo, you were always my favorite Krinkle Kid. The way you'd click your heels during the 'Jellybean Jam.' Real artistry. I'm honored to have you as a Rhinette. ANGELO A job's a job. STUDIO -C - PRACTICE TAPING Suddenly lights up in all its multi-colored Smoochyland glory. The bleachers are full of children. ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Hey, kids! Who's your favorite rhino? The kids in the bleachers all scream in unison. KIDS Smoochy! Smoochy bounds out on stage followed by the Rhinettes who form a dancing circle around him. SMOOCHY Hiya, kids! (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: KIDS Hi, Smoochy! SMOOCHY It's gonna be a fantabulous day in Smoochyland!! The kids cheer as Smoochy and the Rhinettes featuring Angelo Pike, go into their "It's a Fantabulous Day in Smoochyland" number -- a catchy, bouncy song and dance routine that plays out in the sugar-coated jungle of Smoochyland. SMOOCHY (singing) 'Ohhhh... it's a fantabulous day in Smoochy-land/Let's have a great big cheer for the Smoochy-land band/We'll dance with our jungle pals, won't that be grand/Oh, it's a fantabulous day in Smoochy- land!' Smoochy dances right UP TO the CAMERA, FILLING the FRAME with his friendly, puffy face. END of prep MONTAGE. EXT. DOCK BY RIVER - NIGHT (POURING RAIN) A disheveled Randolph paces on a deserted dock. The Brooklyn Bridge looms in the b.g. A car pulls up in the b.g. Stokes gets out. Randolph moves under an awning. RANDOLPH I was starting to think that maybe you weren't coming. STOKES I agreed to meet you, didn't I? I had a dinner engagement. Randolph takes a swig from a flask. RANDOLPH Really? You know, I used to have dinner engagements. Sometimes four, five a night. Dinner... drinks... I was the toast of the fucking town. STOKES Don't start, Randolph. Please. (CONTINUED) 15. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (voice rising) Cars, boats, whores and horses, I had 'em all. When I walked into a restaurant, ten guys reached for my hat. When I stood up to take a piss, they cleared the rest room. I'd walk down the street and traffic stopped, mouths gaped. You know why? You know why, Frank? (now shouting) I was Rainbow fucking Randolph! That's why! STOKES Are you through? RANDOLPH What? You're in a hurry? You don't have time for me? The guy who earned for you? The guy who put those fucking suits on your back and the pheasant au vin in your Brooklyn mouth? STOKES I think it's fair to say we helped each other. Randolph suddenly breaks down. RANDOLPH (pleading) You gotta fix it, Frank. You gotta get me my slot back. He now clings to Stokes' lapels. RANDOLPH How can I sit around while that rhinoceros... that horned carpetbagger gets a free ride on my dime? You and I have history, Frank! Please! Stokes pries Randolph's hands from his overcoat. STOKES There's nothing I can do for you. Nothing. You're a pariah. I can't even be seen with you. (CONTINUED) 16. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Don't do this to me, Frank. I'm in deep, deep shit. They kicked me out of the corporate penthouse... I got bookies breathing down my neck. I'm homeless! Don't you hear what I'm saying? I'm not gonna make it! The clock's ticking! Put yourself in my shoes, for Christ's sake! STOKES The ugly truth is, your shoes have become my shoes. As long as the rhino's on the air, everything's by the book. No skim, no percentage. Nothing. The network wanted squeaky clean and they got it. And believe me, Mopes is sparkling. He looks Randolph squarely in the eye. STOKES You're totally broke? You don't have a dime left to your name? RANDOLPH Yes! Exactly! That's what I'm trying to tell you! Randolph looks at him hopefully as Stokes straightens his tie. STOKE Don't contact me again, Randy. Ever. Stokes walks off. Randolph watches him disappear through the mist. RANDOLPH You'll get yours, Frank! The rhino too! Do you hear me?! The wheels are turning! Stokes is gone. Randolph takes a swig from his flask and wipes his chin with his sleeve. He stares out at the river. RANDOLPH (quietly to himself) Sooner or later, even a guy who's squeaky clean falls into mud. THUNDER CLAP. 17. EXT. DOCK - HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT of the docks as Randolph stands alone before the river. FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT. NORA BISHOP'S OFFICE - CLOSE ON LITTLE MECHANICAL SMOOCHY THE RHINO - DAY as it erratically limps forward before DROPPING OUT OF FRAME. WIDER The wind-up Smoochy lays upside-down on the carpet next to Nora's desk, legs grinding lamely in the air. Various Smoochy items are spread out on her desk top. A restless-looking Sheldon and a few members of Nora's staff are in on the meeting. NORA Again, these are just prototypes. I've been assured by FunZone that all the bugs will be worked out before Christmas. Sheldon raises his hand. Nora ignores him and looks at her watch. NORA Okay, so let's recap before we break up... (refers to notes) Yes to the Smoochy ice pops. No to the Smoochy string cheese. And we're in a dick-measuring contest with Brown & Brown over the shampoo split. Sheldon suddenly stands up. SHELDON Okay, time out, people! If I may interject, I think we're putting the cart before the horse here... Nora throws him an icy look. (CONTINUED) 18. CONTINUED: SHELDON Smoochy's still earning the trust of the kids. We don't want to compromise that by asking them to buy shampoo and cheese. How 'bout we just concentrate on doing the best show possible. Huh? Without all the bells and whistles and rickata-rackita. What do you say, guys? Nora casually picks up a Smoochy Frisbee from her desk and sails it toward the open door. It lands in the hallway. NORA (monotone) Oh, damn. SHELDON No problem, I'll get it. He walks out to the hallway. NORA (to staffer) Shut the door please, John. John shuts the door. NORA Now lock it. He locks it. NORA Thank you. EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - NIGHT Nora emerges from the revolving door of the Kidnet building which is located in the heart of Times Square and heads down Broadway. Sheldon emerges from the building. SHELDON Hey, Nora, wait up. She keeps walking. Sheldon catches up and walks alongside her, occasionally getting jostled by passersby. (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: SHELDON Good meeting today. I thought we tackled some hot issues. Although, I'll be honest, there were a few times that I felt my voice wasn't being heard. NORA I think that's a conservative estimate. SHELDON I just want the show to have some weight, you know? Some substance. Silly songs, sure -- but with a message. Pop quiz: How many original compositions are in the Smoochy songbook? NORA Do you sense my complete lack of interest? SHELDON Try two thousand. Covering every topic from how yummy vegetables are to the importance of donating plasma. Don't you get it, Nora? I'm a valuable resource. Use me. Nora stops. She looks Sheldon in the eye for the first time. NORA Can I make this real easy for you? SHELDON Sure. NORA The only reason you're on TV right now is because Rainbow Randolph is a degenerate scumbag. I didn't discover you, I delivered you. Like a bag of groceries. I have a bigger emotional investment in my nail polish. So don't peddle your sap to me, rhino. Your job is just to smile and nod your head. She walks off. 20. INT. PATSY'S - NIGHT Sheldon sits at the bar in the restaurant, nursing a drink and talking to the BARTENDER. He seems slightly drunk. SHELDON ... No, no, you misunderstand me. It's not that I'm literally comparing Captain Kangaroo to Jesus Christ. I'm just saying that the Captain, like Christ, was someone you could believe in. Those guys didn't care about bells and whistles and rickita-rackata. It was all about the work. Especially Jesus. Forget about it. The Bartender nods and starts to pour Sheldon another drink. SHELDON (waving him off) That's okay, my good man. Three's my limit. BARTENDER I never saw anyone get loaded on orange juice before. SHELDON Back in my college days I could put away a carton of the stuff. A sharply-dressed man, BURKE BENNETT, sits down next to Sheldon. BURKE (to Bartender) Gimme a Five Crown. The Bartender nods. He looks over at Sheldon. BURKE Smoochy the Rhino. Wow. I'm a big fan. SHELDON (flattered) Gee, thanks. I usually don't get recognized without my horn. Burke extends his hand. BURKE Burke Bennett. I represent kid show talent. 21. INT. PATSY'S - SHORT WHILE LATER Sheldon and Burke now sit at a corner table. BURKE Look, Shel, Frank Strokes ain't in the business to make you rich. He's in it to make Frank Stokes rich. That's how these network goons operate. SHELDON That's so sad. Is it just me, or is that sad? BURKE You know, years ago, a client of mine, Dicky Gimble, was having a problem... SHELDON Wow, you represented Dicky Gimble? BURKE Yeah, before the asshole found religion. Anyway, Stokes was trying to screw my boy out of some merchandising points. Claimed he had a warehouse full of Dicky dolls that weren't moving. Now Frank and I are old friends, so I say to him, 'Okay, cock, show me the warehouse' -- see, I know the fucking warehouse is in the Bronx, and I know it's emptier than my wife's head. (chuckles) To make a long story short, I walk out with a check for a hundred grand and Stokes is sitting there with his thumb up his ass. Burke laughs. SHELDON That's very amusing, but I don't care about Smoochy dolls and Smoochy floor wax... I just want more creative input. This rhino came from my womb. I bore him, I nursed him, and dammit... He pounds his fist on the table. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: SHELDON I should be the one who raises him! BURKE Shel, it's all about the dough. After you get the money, you get the power. And after you get the power, you can have Smoochy walk on stage with a hard-on if you want. SHELDON It's funny, that never crossed my mind. Burke downs the rest of his drink and stands up. BURKE Unfortunately, until then... you're just another puppet in the prop room. He hands Sheldon his card. BURKE Give me a call when you're ready, kid. I'll cut the strings and open the magic door for you. EXT. PATSY'S - CONTINUOUS ACTION Randolph peers through the restaurant's front window. He shivers from the cold as he watches Sheldon and Burke shake hands. Burke heads for the exit. Randolph quickly ducks into the shadows. A moment later, Burke exits the club and walks down the street. Randolph pops out. RANDOLPH I saw you! I saw you in there... at my table... talking to him. BURKE Yeah, so what do you want? A parade? RANDOLPH You're my agent! Or did you forget that? (CONTINUED) 23. CONTINUED: BURKE Not anymore, pal. You're a cigarette butt. Go lay in the gutter. Burke walks off. EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT In the litter-strewn alley, we PAN ACROSS several grocery bags, broken egg shells, flour bags, butter wrappers, mixing bowls and other baking ingredients. The PAN ENDS ON Randolph, who stands over a barrel fire, holding a spatula. A cookie sheet rests on the barrel. Randolph removes the cookie sheet and gazes at it gleefully. We now see that the cookies are phallic-shaped. RANDOLPH Ah! They're beautiful! A perfect batch of cock cookies for a very special rhino. He sets the tray aside. RANDOLPH Oh yes, you're going to learn about shame, my dear Smoochy. And I'm your professor. He laughs. INT. KIDNET STUDIO - STAGE B - DAY It's thirty minutes before a Smoochy taping. Dozens of giddy children are led into the studio where they take seats on the bleachers. BACKSTAGE Sheldon, in the Smoochy costume, sans head, lumbers up to Nora. He holds a rundown for that day's show. SHELDON Excuse me, Nora. Why was the 'Please and Thank You Song' cut? NORA Because it's sappy and it takes away from the 'Cookie Song.' (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: SHELDON Takes away? It enhances it! The cookie song is a meaningless piece of fluff without the 'Please and Thank You' coda! That's the moral anchor! That's where the lesson is! You can't sell the sizzle without the steak! NORA It's cut. And I want the 'Cookie Song' lyrics changed back to the way they were originally scripted. SHELDON I can't do that. I will not condone children consuming endless amounts of refined sugar. I have to look myself in the mirror every morning. NORA This is network television, not a sprout farm. We're here to sell sugar and plastic. That's what keeps the lights on. SHELDON You're treating me like a puppet. You know that? Well, guess what? I am not your puppet. NORA Since when? Now get your spongy orange ass out there and dance for the cameras. An angry Sheldon storms off in frustration, but then stops. He looks back at her. SHELDON We have different eyes, Nora. When I go out there I see kids. You see wallets with pigtails. He moves on. Nora stares at him as he walks away. He obviously got to her. As Sheldon heads toward the studio, he doesn't notice the two beady eyes staring at him from under the stairwell. After a beat, Randolph emerges and slinks backstage. He's clutching a duffle bag. 25. INT. PROP ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Randolph sneaks into the prop room and shuts the door. He scurries over to the prop shelf and locates Smoochy's multicolored "magic cookie bag." He opens it and tosses the cookies into the trash can. Reaching into his pockets, he pulls out his special homemade cookies. He chuckles as he dumps them into the magic cookie bag. RANDOLPH Bon soir, la Smoochy. Welcome to fatty Arbuckle-land. He cackles to himself. He then notices a box in the corner of the room. Scribbled in magic marker on the side are the words: "Rainbow Randolph crap." He walks over and pulls the box out. He slowly opens the flaps. Inside is his old costume. He pulls it out and clutches it lovingly. He smells it. The ECHOEY SOUND of his THEME SONG comes flooding back to him for a moment, along with the sound of CHILDREN LAUGHING. RANDOLPH (softly to himself) Don't worry, little ones. Rainbow Randolph will return... (with rising anger) After these messages! He holds up Smoochy's magic cookie bag. He then stuffs his old costume into his duffle bag. INT. STUDIO B - LATER The "Smoochy Show" is in the middle of a taping. The Smoochyland Band is playing a fast, jazzy number ("Doin' the Jiggy Ziggy") as Smoochy, the Rhinettes, and several kids dance frenetically. The kids in the bleachers are in hysterics as Smoochy shakes his body spastically. The song finally ends. The kids in the bleachers jump to their feet, cheering and applauding. SMOOCHY Boy, all that jiggyin' and ziggyin' sure makes a fella hungry! Now if only I had my super duper, super secret, super special... The kids in the bleachers erupt in unison: KIDS Magic Cookie Bag! (CONTINUED) 26. CONTINUED: SMOOCHY Right-o-riffic! (looks skyward) Magic Cookie Bag, I command thee! Come to your lord and master! The lights dim as the Smoochyland Band plays the "2001 theme." Smoochy's Magic Cookie Bag is lowered from the ceiling by a filament wire. The kids go crazy. SMOOCHY (singing) 'Lookie, lookie, lookie, here comes the cookies! Fresh and organic, no need to panic! Right from the soil, no tropical oils! Sweetened with juice, for an energy boost! Fiber galore, you'll be askin' for more...' ANGLE ON NORA She looks pissed, but then looks over at the kids in the bleachers. Their faces are filled with laughter. For the first time she feels the connection Smoochy has with them. ANGLE ON RANDOLPH He peers out from his hiding place backstage. His eyes widen with delight as the Magic Cookie Bag continues its descent. ANGLE ON SMOOCHY The cookie bag finally reaches Smoochy. He holds the bag high above his head in a religious ceremonial fashion as the Rhinettes and the kids crowd around him. SMOOCHY Oooh... just the smell of unprocessed flour makes my tummy do somersaults! ANGLE ON RANDOLPH RANDOLPH (under his breath) Whatever that means, you fucking retard. (CONTINUED) 27. CONTINUED: SMOOCHY His puffy orange hand reaches for the bag's clasp as the MUSIC reaches its CRESCENDO. RANDOLPH He's practically shaking as he suppresses an insane laugh. RANDOLPH Give 'em a cookie... give 'em a cookie... SMOOCHY He reaches into the bag, and with a grand flourish, pulls out a flaming red penis cookie. The cookie is somewhat misshapen and not perfectly formed. Smoochy gets a big grin. SMOOCHY Wow! Look at this cookie, kids! A rocket ship! The kids "ooh" and "ahh." ANGLE ON RANDOLPH He looks confused. SHELDON What a special day with such special cookies! BACK ON SMOOCHY Smoochy pretends to "zoom" the penis cookie through the air. SHELDON Rrrrrrrr! Look at me, kids! I'm flying to the moon! I'm flying to Mars! I'm flying to -- Randolph, whose face is now bright red, can't take it anymore. He runs onto the stage. He grabs the rocket cookie from Smoochy. (CONTINUED) 28. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Are you fucking blind?! It's a cock! Not a space ship! Cock! Cock! INT. STAIRWELL - MOMENTS LATER Three burly Kidnet security guards drag Randolph down the stairwell. They beat the shit out of him and toss him through the exit door. INT. FRANK STOKES' OFFICE - TIGHT ON NEW YORK POST FRONT PAGE - DAY The headline reads: "Rainbow Randolph Interrupts Smoochy Taping." The subhead reads: "Runs Onstage Shouting Penis Related Obscenities." WIDE Burke sits on the couch next to Sheldon, reading the paper. He shakes his head in disgust. Nora sits in a chair near Stokes. SHELDON Thank you all for coming. I just wanted to iron out a few wrinkles I feel we're having in the communication department. No finger-pointing. Lord knows when you start pointing fingers, someone gets poked in the eye. Sheldon laughs. Stokes and Nora sit stone-faced. SHELDON Anyhoo, I'd like to turn the floor over to my new agent, Mr. Burke Bennett. So... heeeeeere's Burke! Sheldon applauds. Burke stands. BURKE As you can imagine, my client has many concerns, not the least of which is studio security, but we can address that later. He pats Sheldon's head like a dog. (CONTINUED) 29. CONTINUED: BURKE See this guy, Frank? Take a good long look, 'cause this prick saved your life. Without him you'd be sitting in Kaplan's right now, sucking club soda through a paper straw. (to Nora) And, you -- you'd be organizing puppet shows for the brats at P.S. 86. Excuse me, honey. NORA There's no excuse for you. SHELDON Man, I love club soda. Sheldon laughs, trying to lighten the mood. Burke gives him an affectionate slap. STOKES We've always managed to come to some sort of arrangement, Burke. Why the fireworks? BURKE 'Cause I'm holding all the gunpowder. I represent the man who created, owns, and controls every square inch of Smoochy the Rhino. Burke pours himself a drink from Stokes' private bar. BURKE God created Adam and what did he get? A fucking dud. My guy? He breathed life into a winner. And anyone who does a better job than God is gonna have a price. SHELDON Burke, of course, is in no way comparing me to God. BURKE Yes I am. (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: NORA You seem to forget that we went out and found 'your guy.' Dug up his corpse. Handed him his own show when he couldn't sell his face to a photo booth. SHELDON To be fair, Nora, I was booked to open a car wash in Montauk. BURKE Oh, so you were doing him a favor? (chuckles) Allow me to untangle this web of shit! I don't care what his resume was, I don't care where you found him, I don't care if his last job was juggling apples for a hut full of Pygmies on the outskirts of the Congo... the fact is, he fits a bill and you need him. Like a hungry baby needs a big tit. And that, my friends, is why you're in a box with no ventilation. And that is why the rhino is going to get what he deserves. STOKES What is that, exactly? Burke walks over to Stokes' desk and leans across it. He's an inch from Stokes' face. BURKE Heaven, hell, and everything in between. INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT - CLOSE ON CHAMPAGNE CORK - EVENING being popped as foamy champagne runs down the bottle. WIDE Sheldon and Burke sit at a table in the nightclub. Burke raises his glass. (CONTINUED) 31. CONTINUED: BURKE To the star and new executive producer of the Smoochy show! May your reign be a long and healthy one! They clink glasses. SHELDON I'm still in shock. Complete creative control, part ownership of the show, discretion over merchandising and a dressing room with a toilet! Am I dreaming or what? BURKE And don't forget the corporate penthouse. It took me six years to get that for Randolph. SHELDON Boy, imagine... me, living in a penthouse. Who'd a thunk it. BURKE It's called the high life, kid. Get used to it. Pretty soon you'll be burnin' one hundred dollar bills just to see Franklin break a sweat. SHELDON Jeez, I hope not. I have a deep respect for money. Not to mention Ben Franklin who had some remarkable achievements in his lifetime. Burke pulls out a paper bag and hands it to Sheldon. SHELDON What's this? BURKE That's your graduation present. Something you're gonna need now. Sheldon reaches in the bag and pulls out a revolver. He recoils in horror and immediately drops it back in the bag. (CONTINUED) 32. CONTINUED: BURKE Think of it as a tool of the trade. SHELDON I've never owned a gun, I've never touched a gun, and I don't believe in guns. When I played cowboys and Indians as a kid, I was always the Chinese railroad worker. BURKE Trust me, Shel. It's a handy accessory in this business. Even if you don't load it, have it for show. Sometimes that's all you need. Especially with a creep like Randolph lurking around. Burke and Sheldon look up and notice the hulking, grinning figure of SPINNER DUNN standing over them. Spinner has the smile of a little boy despite his crooked nose and scarred face. He extends his hand. SPINNER Hiya, Smoochy! I'm Spinner! Spinner! SHELDON Hi there. SPINNER I'm so excited to meet you! I'm Spinner! Spinner's massive hand engulfs Sheldon's. SHELDON (remembers) Oh... right. I saw you fight on TV once. I think it was your farewell bout. SWISH PAN TO: FLASHBACK - INT. BOXING RING(S) - SOMETIME IN THE PAST Through a SERIES OF CUTS we see Spinner getting pummeled in various fights. (CONTINUED) 33. CONTINUED: RINGSIDE COMMENTATOR #1 Tonight marks Spinner Dunn's final appearance in the ring. What a pleasure it's been to watch him proudly march into the record books for taking more blows to the head than any fighter in history. A bloodied, defeated Spinner happily holds up the arm of his opponent after a match. He then hugs the referee. He jumps down from the ring and hugs the three judges. RINGSIDE COMMENTATOR #2 Scrambled a bit? Sure. You don't retire with a record of 81-59 and wind up the Governor. But on the upside, he's got the disposition of a collie. Spinner wades into the stands and starts hugging the spectators. SWISH PAN TO: INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT (PRESENT) Spinner is still pumping Sheldon's hand. SPINNER You know what I love, Smoochy? I love when you do the Jiggy Ziggy dance! You know, the one you do during 'Silly Time?' SHELDON You bet. That's a big one. SPINNER Wanna see me do it? SHELDON Well, I don't know why if there's enough room here to... Spinner starts Jiggying and Ziggying for Sheldon. He bangs into a table and knocks over someone's drink. BURKE Okay, champ, don't get overheated. Spinner stops, out of breath. He leans over and hugs Sheldon. (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: SPINNER I love you. SHELDON I... uh... love you, too, Spinner. A powerful-looking woman, TOMMY COTTER, calls to Spinner from the bar. TOMMY Spinner, come over and meet the Senator! Spinner dutifully hurries over to Tommy. SHELDON He seems pretty popular. It must take real talent to run a place like this. BURKE Spinner? The guy couldn't run a water faucet. He's just a mascot. It's his cousins, a bunch of Irish mob boys, who really run the joint. ANGLE ON SPINNER He shakes the Senator's hand as Tommy and a few other tough Irish guys stand around. Spinner looks over towards Sheldon. SPINNER (loudly) Don't go anywhere, Smoochy! I'll be right back after I take a dump! Spinner releases the Senator's hand and rushes off. BURKE I think you made a new friend, kid. 35. INT. ANGELO PIKE'S RUNDOWN APARTMENT (LOWER EAST SIDE) - NIGHT We met him backstage with Smoochy... innocent face... Angelo stirs a pot of soup in the worn-down but tidy apartment. A "Rhinette" costume is draped over one of the chairs. There is a sudden LOUD POUNDING on the door. Angelo puts the spoon down and reaches behind some spices on the shelf above. He pulls out a revolver. The POUNDING continues. ANGELO Yeah, who is it? RANDOLPH (O.S.) (friendly) Open up, buddy! It's me, Randolph! It's been a long time! Angelo puts the gun in his waistband and walks to the door. He slowly slides the chain off and opens the door a crack. Peering in at him are the bloodshot eyes of Rainbow Randolph. ANGELO Randy? Randolph suddenly kicks the door open and tackles Angelo. Randolph sits on top of the little man. RANDOLPH You fucking traitor! My body's barely cold and already you work for the rhino? ANGELO I don't know what you're talking about. RANDOLPH Don't lie to me! I heard all about it! You strapped that horn on faster than a cheerleader gets the clap! ANGELO I gotta eat, don't I? RANDOLPH You're a Krinkle Kid! Not a Smooch-bag! Say it! ANGELO Rhinette! (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Say it: I am a Krinkle Kid! Say it, before God! On the soul of Jesus Christ! Say what you are! Angelo punches Randolph in the mouth and flips him over. He now sits on Randolph, pointing the revolver to his face. ANGELO I'm a Rhinette. Got that? The Krinkle Kids are ten feet under. With you. Randolph starts crying like a child. RANDOLPH (blubbering) I missed you so much. Can I stay here? I got no place to go. Angelo sighs and puts the gun away. INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - SHORT WHILE LATER Angelo and Randolph sit at the small kitchen table. Angelo watches as Randolph ravenously eats a bowl of soup. RANDOLPH ... They kicked me out of the corporate penthouse. Big surprise. Sons-a-bitches. That's how I got this beauty. He points to a nasty bump near his eye. RANDOLPH And of course, there's this... He yanks his lip back to reveal a missing tooth. RANDOLPH That happened after my little visit to the studio the other day. Network security. Fucking savages. He slurps another spoonful of soup and spits a bay leaf on the floor. (CONTINUED) 37. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH I got liens, back taxes, lawyer's bills, threats against my life... I basically got the whole fucking world up my ass. It's okay, I got a loooong memory, son. (Amos and Andy dialect) What dey sow, dey gonna reap. He cackles insanely as he picks up a bottle of gin and takes a deep swig. He passes out and falls off the chair. Angelo leans down and lifts his head off the floor. ANGELO Stop doing this to yourself! Randolph doesn't respond. Angelo slaps his face. ANGELO Wise up! You hear me? Don't piss your life away like this. RANDOLPH (half-conscious) It's the rhino, Angie. He's been sent by the devil. Sent from hell to destroy me. Smoochy... is the face of evil. EXT. BROADWAY (TIMES SQUARE) - MORNING We are ON the smiling goofy face of Sheldon, whose picture graces the front page of Variety under the headline, "MOPES TO EXECUTIVE PRODUCE SMOOCHY SHOW." The subhead reads, "TENURE TO BEGIN TODAY." A dollar bill is slapped down over the picture. We WIDEN OUT to see Sheldon buying the magazine at the newsstand in front of the Kidnet Building. He turns and walks toward the Kidnet entrance. He stops and looks up at the building. Smiling, he takes a deep breath and enters. INT. KIDNET HALLWAY - FEW MOMENTS LATER Sheldon whistles as he walks down the hall, giving cheerful "hellos" and "good mornings" along the way. He enters Nora's office. 38. INT. NORA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Nora is on the phone. She pretends not to notice him. Sheldon bides his time by inspecting knickknacks, examining photos on the wall, etc. Finally, he half- whispers/half-mouths to her: SHELDON Whenever you get a chance... I just need a second. NORA (into the phone) Listen, can I call you back? Yeah, some asshole's screaming in my ear. Thanks. She hangs up. SHELDON I'm sorry, you didn't have to hang up. NORA If I didn't you'd still be here. SHELDON But I am still here. NORA I'm hoping to correct that. SHELDON Nora, I want us to start off on the right foot. I want you to know that I value your input and I don't want you to feel intimidated just because the power structure has changed a bit. I consider you a partner. NORA Great. That'll come in handy if we're ever at a square dance. SHELDON Well, I was never much of the do- se-do type, but what I would love to do is take you out to lunch one day. You know, just two colleagues chewing the fat... forming a mutual respect... planting the seeds of cooperation... (CONTINUED) 39. CONTINUED: NORA No. SHELDON Fair enough. If you change your mind -- NORA I won't. Sheldon just nods and starts to exit. SHELDON Okay then, I'll be in my office if you need me. If you want to brainstorm about anything. Ideas and so forth. He passes a plant by the door. SHELDON Ficus? She ignores him. He exits. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon walks slowly down the hallway. He no longer has a bounce in his step. INT. SHELDON'S NEW OFFICE - MOMENT LATER Sheldon enters his plush new office, awkwardly walks over to his new desk and sits behind it for the first time. SHELDON Wow... TOMMY (O.S.) My cousin Spinner's take quite a shine to you. Sheldon jumps. He's surprised to Tommy from Spinner Dunn's restaurant. Tommy's crew, ROY, DANNY, JIMMY and SAMMY occupy the sofa. TOMMY Ever since you came in the restaurant. He can't stop yakkin'. (CONTINUED) 40. CONTINUED: SHELDON Well, he's a very nice man. Very sweet disposition for someone that size. TOMMY So, I was wondering if maybe you could give him a little floor space. SHELDON I'm sorry? TOMMY You know, a little part on the show. You're the executive producer now. You call the shots, right? SHELDON Uh, that's a very sweet offer, and I love Spinner, but TV is a complicated medium and... I mean, that would be like me getting into the ring with a prizefighter. (laughs) Can you imagine such a thing? Boom. K.O.! What's the alphabet, Mommy? Sheldon laughs again. Tommy gets quiet. TOMMY This makes me sad. Very, very, sad. DANNY What's wrong, Tommy? TOMMY Nothing. I'm just very sad right now. SAMMY Who made you sad, Tommy? TOMMY I don't want to mention names. The guys look menacingly at Sheldon. They rise and walk around his desk until they're on either side of him. (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: SHELDON You know what? Maybe I can find Spinner a little something to do on the show. That's probably the best solution. Tommy now smiles and walks over to Sheldon. She musses Sheldon's hair. TOMMY You're a good boy, Mopes. Don't think we don't remember favors. SWISH PAN TO: INT. SHELDON'S OFFICE - SHORT WHILE LATER Sheldon is in a meeting with a man, SONNY GORDON. SHELDON Look, I appreciate the visit, but I'm just putting together a little petting zoo segment. Nothing fancy -- a few kittens... maybe a duck... ANGLE ON SONNY SUPERIMPOSE: SONNY GORDON, PRESIDENT, ANIMAL WRANGLERS' LOCAL 358 SONNY If you're looking to bring in that many pieces I gotta put a crew together. Plus, we're lookin' at transpo, a few leash handlers, a cleanup boy and a doper to keep the inventory quiet. SHELDON Jeez, this all sounds awfully elaborate. I might have to forgo the union and just borrow a few animals from a pet shop. SONNY I wouldn't recommend it. Miss Carol from Romper Room tried that once and she's still limping. SWISH PAN TO -- 42. INT. SHELDON'S OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER A frazzled-looking Sheldon is meeting with BEN FRANKS. BEN On behalf of FunZone Toys, I'd like to congratulate you on your recent promotion, and present you with a small gift. SUPERIMPOSE: BEN FRANKS, V.P., FUNZONE TOYS Ben reaches into his breast pocket and drops a large wad of money on Sheldon's desk that lands with a thud. SHELDON Uh... that's nice of you, Ben, but a card would have been fine. BEN FunZone Toys would very much like the Smoochy contract, Mr. Mopes. SHELDON Is this... I mean... are you offering me a bribe or something? BEN FunZone Toys would very much like the Smoochy contract, Mr. Mopes. Sheldon picks up the money and tosses it back to Ben. Sheldon rises from his desk. SHELDON Normally, sir, we take the trash out at the end of the day, but I think I'll make an exception in your case. Sheldon escorts Ben out the door and slams it shut. The PHONE RINGS. Sheldon walks over and picks it up. SHELDON Yes? ASSISTANT (V.O.) A Mr. Feedlepepper on line two. SHELDON Who? ASSISTANT (V.O.) He says he's an old friend. Sheldon punches line two. (CONTINUED) 43. CONTINUED: SHELDON Hello? INTERCUT: INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - RANDOLPH RANDOLPH (V.O.) You better grow eyes on the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit! I won't sleep until the worms are crawlin' up your foam rubber ass! I'm going on safari, motherfucker... safari! Sheldon hangs up stunned. Nora walks in holding the daily news. NORA Congratulations on your little ice show. SHELDON What are you talking about? NORA It didn't take you long to sell out, did it? She tosses the paper on his desk. NORA What happened to your precious integrity? Or was that just part of your dog and pony act. She exits. A confused Sheldon looks at the "Around Town" column. INSERT - HEADLINE "GARDEN TO HOST SMOOCHY ON ICE." The subhead reads: "HUGE GATE EXPECTED -- VENDORS SALIVATE AT SMELL OF BIG BUCKS." CUT TO: 44. INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - EVENING We are TIGHT ON the feet of an Irish dancer doing a sort of Riverdance. We WIDEN OUT and the rest of the dancers come INTO FRAME. Spinner and the mob ar clapping and whooping. Sheldon and Burke sit at a table in the dark club having a conversation. SHELDON Burke, I never agreed to do an ice show. BURKE Shel, do you know what kind of cash we'll take in between the gate and concessions? A venture like this gets you money and muscle. Times twenty. SHELDON Ice shows represent everything I'm against. They're mindless spectacles whose main purpose is to sell overpriced sugar-water and cheap plastic toys that splinter in a kid's mouth on the ride home. BURKE Look, I know you got this fetish for ethics, but now's not the time to fly that kite. No one's ever refused a shot at an ice show. Sheldon tears the contract in half. SHELDON Until now. Smoochy doesn't sell out, Burke. You should be proud of that. Proud that you represent a client who paves driveways, not paints them over. BURKE I'm thrilled, Shel. Knocked out. Burke just sits there, stunned. A waitress, SANDY, passes by the booth. SHELDON I'll have a pineapple juice, Sandy. (CONTINUED) 45. CONTINUED: SANDY Pineapple? What happened to orange juice? SHELDON I'm feeling feisty tonight. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY We are now on a drum solo. Ernie the Elephant of the Smoochyland Band works it. The animal band plays a sloppy version of "Pop Goes the Weasel." End on Spinner Dunn -- the newest and by far largest member of the band. Spinner holds s cowbell and seems to be concentrating intently on the proper moment to hit it. Unfortunately, his rhythm is off, which throws the rest of the band off as well. We WIDEN OUT to see Smoochy and the Rhinettes attempting to dance to the off-kilter rhythm. The song finally ends. The Rhinettes glare at Spinner. Smoochy addresses the camera. SMOOCHY Boy, wasn't that fun? In an awkward kind of way? Anyhoo, how 'bout a big round of applause for the newest member of the Smoochyland Band... former heavyweight contender, Spinner Dunn! Spinner stands up to take a bow and almost knocks the entire bandstand over. There is a smattering of confused applause from the kids in the bleachers. Spinner drops the cowbell and it clangs on the studio floor. SPINNER Shit. Sorry. INT. BACKSTAGE - AFTER SHOW A beaming Spinner runs up to Sheldon, who's still in costume. SPINNER Did I do good, Sheldon, huh? Did I do good? (CONTINUED) 46. CONTINUED: SHELDON Yeah, that was great, Spinner. Just watch your elbow next time. Pinky's probably gonna lose that tooth. SPINNER Okey doke. I'm gonna go get drunk now. Spinner skips off humming "Pop Goes the Weasel" and banging his cowbell. Nora passes Sheldon backstage. NORA Nice job. Casting the show with mental patients, I like that. SHELDON (snapping) He is not a mental patient. He's an ex-boxer and nightclub owner who happens to have the sweet innocent brian of a five-year-old! NORA Excuse me for not making the distinction. She leaves. EXT. BROADWAY (TIMES SQUARE) - NIGHT Sheldon exits the Kidnet building and walks to the curb to hail a cab. A friendly-looking man in a suit and bow tie approaches him. This is MERV GREEN. MERV Hi there. SHELDON Hi. A limo pulls up in front of them. Merv opens the back door. MERV Get in. SHELDON Thanks anyway, but I'm going uptown. (CONTINUED) 47. CONTINUED: Merv pulls his jacket back to reveal a revolver tucked in his waistband. MERV Humor me, rhino. INT. LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon slides into the back seat of the limo. A big thug in an overcoat, HENRY, is already sitting there. Merv gets in behind him and shuts the door. Sheldon is now wedged between the two men as the limo heads down Broadway. Merv extends his hand. MERV Merv Green, Sheldon. It's a pleasure to meet you. SHELDON If you're hoping for an autograph, the gun's a bit much. The whole 'catch more flies with honey' thing -- it really holds water. Sheldon laughs nervously. MERV Sheldon, I represent the Parade of Hope Foundation. Maybe you've heard of us. SHELDON You raise money to build children's hospitals, right? MERV We've been known to add a brick or two, sure. Merv and the thug laugh. MERV Sheldon, let me get right to the point -- there's talk on the street that you're pulling out of the ice show. Is that true? (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: SHELDON (big sigh) You know, I never agreed to an ice show, nor would I ever agree to do an ice show, and let me add that none of this is your concern, sir. (shakes his head) Sheesh. MERV Listen carefully, son: Parade of Hope has sponsored every Kidnet ice show since 1964. We take a piece off the top and everybody walks away happy. So let's not buck history. SHELDON Well, I appreciate the offer, but for the gazillionth time, I'm not doing an ice show, so we have nothing to discuss. Now, if you'll just pull over, I'll get out and we'll say our toodley-dos. (to driver) Far corner, please. MERV Allow me to be less murky. Starting tomorrow, Smoochy the Rhino raises his baton for Parade of Hope. Benefits, banquets, fund-raisers, I want it all. (to driver) Pull over, Terry. The car pulls to the curb. MERV And as far as the ice show goes... I recommend you start shopping for skates. The door pops open and Sheldon is tossed out. 49. INT. CORPORATE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT A troubled-looking Sheldon stands on his balcony looking out at the city. He drinks orange juice straight from the carton. Sheldon is on the phone with Burke. SHELDON This is unacceptable, Burke! I'm calling the authorities. BURKE (V.O.) Don't do it, Shel. You rat on Parade of Hope and you'll be lucky if they find your toenails. These guys are the roughest of all the charities. SHELDON I was threatened by an organization that's supposed to help children! What kind of world is this? BURKE (V.O.) The real one. My advice? Consider the ice show and stay healthy. Burke hangs up. After a beat, Sheldon's DOORBELL RINGS. He walks over to the door and opens it. To his surprise, Nora is standing there. NORA May I come in? SHELDON Sure. Nora enters. She seems a little wobbly. Sheldon notices she's holding a pint of whiskey. SHELDON Uh... are you okay? NORA I'm getting drunk and I'm not used to it. SHELDON Oh. Well, not to make you feel worse, but with alcohol you're also consuming empty calories. Nora looks at him for a moment. (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: NORA It's just that... I want to apologize, actually. And on those rare occasions when I feel the need to apologize for something, it helps if I'm, you know... shit- faced. SHELDON Wow. I'm honored. Nora trips slightly. Sheldon takes the whiskey from her. SHELDON Why don't we get some air? He leads her out on the balcony. They look out at the city. NORA I... I may have been a little harsh when we spoke the other day. A little out of line. SHELDON Well, it wasn't as bad as the week before when you called me a pasty- faced, no-talent hack. NORA Yes, that was probably insensitive as well. (looks at him) I heard you're not doing the ice show. I find that... incredibly admirable. Why didn't you tell me? SHELDON I guess I didn't want to spoil your fun. You look so content when you're berating me. Nora looks down. NORA I'm afraid I have become a bit hardened over the years. Sincerity's an easy disguise in this business. It's hard to know who's on the level. (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: SHELDON Believe me, I'm learning that more and more every day. (wistfully) 'Sometimes light is really dark, Sometimes crows can sing like larks Sometimes Winter feels like Spring, Don't think you know everything.' NORA (in disbelief) 'Rickets the Hippo'? SHELDON You remember Rickets? NORA That was my favorite show when I was a kid. Rickets was the one face I knew I could trust. SHELDON That's how I felt! Rickets had real depth. He was my inspiration for Smoochy. NORA Really? He was my inspiration to work in children's television. SHELDON I can't believe it. I never met anyone who even remembers Rickets. Do you remember the Klunky-Wunky dance? NORA Remember it? I did it at my first communion. Sheldon starts doing the rather insane-looking Klunky- Wunky dance. Nora does it with him. They both stop and look at each other. Sheldon impulsively leans in and kisses her. SHELDON I'm sorry. That was a mistake, right? I didn't mean for that to hap-- Nora grabs his head and pulls it toward her. They begin kissing passionately. (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: NORA (as they kiss) You're not full of shit like all the others, are you? SHELDON No, no. NORA (as they kiss) You're for real, right? SHELDON Yes, yes. NORA (through the kisses) I mean, I couldn't tell... First I thought it was an act... and then I just thought you were a simp or something... SHELDON Shhh... you don't have to explain... They continue to kiss. Nora abruptly stops. NORA I should go. SHELDON Why? Nora exits the balcony and collects her coat and purse. SHELDON What's wrong? Is it the whiskey? If you have to throw up, be my guest. Anywhere you like. NORA It's just getting late. Sheldon follows her to the door. She stops and looks at him for a moment. The PHONE starts to RING. Neither of them says anything for a beat. NORA Better get that. Good night. She exits. Sheldon shuts the door and sighs. He goes to the bar to pour himself another orange juice before picking up the phone. (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: SHELDON Hello? ANGELO'S APARTMENT We GO TO a HORIZONTAL SPLIT-SCREEN. Randolph is on the BOTTOM HALF. He lies on his bed in Angelo's apartment wearing a bathrobe with a towel wrapped around his head. His head dangles off the bed as he talks on the phone. The SHOT is reminiscent of Bye Bye Birdie. RANDOLPH Hello, Mr. Mopes? My name is Benjamin Kunklepeck and I'm calling on behalf of 'Parents for Decency in Children's Television,' perhaps you've heard of us? SHELDON No, but I like where you're coming from. It's an issue very close to my heart. Why just yesterday I was commenting -- RANDOLPH Sir, we're having a banquet tomorrow and we'd be honored to have you perform for us. We would also like to present you with a plaque for your ongoing commitment to children's television. The presenter will be a young orphan with mild asthma. Can you attend? EXT. VERRAZANO NARROWS BRIDGE - NEXT MORNING A black Lincoln Town Car travels across the bridge toward Staten Island. SHELDON (V.O.) Thanks for picking me up, Mr. Kunklepeck. It's very nice of you. INT. TOWN CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon is in the back seat. The Smoochy costume is next to him. Behind the wheel is Randolph. He's in disguise. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Don't be silly. The chance to have Smoochy the Rhino perform at our little soiree? I'd carry you piggy-back through a bed of hot rusty glass if I had to. SHELDON Well, it's always a pleasure to help out a worthy cause. And believe me, I've learned lately that it's not all sunshine and daffodils in the land of non- profit. RANDOLPH I just looove your show, by the way. It's such a refreshing change of pace from that dreadful embezzler... what's his name again? Rainbow something or other? SHELDON Randolph. RANDOLPH Yes. Rainbow Randolph. What a scoundrel! He's probably gay too. SHELDON Oh, I don't know. I feel sorry for him, actually. He obviously has problems or issues that he needs to sort out. RANDOLPH (getting frustrated) Yeah, yeah, yeah, but don't you take particular glee in that you basically stole his time slot? Helped shovel dirt onto his miserable corpse, as it were? SHELDON No, I would never take pleasure in someone's downfall. You know the old expression about walking a mile in another man's shoes? Well, that really holds water. Just try to imagine -- (CONTINUED) 55. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (snapping) Come on, he's a fucking asshole! You hate him! Admit it! SHELDON (uncomfortable) Uh... can we listen to the radio? EXT. WAREHOUSE - SHORT WHILE LATER The Town Car is parked behind an old warehouse in the middle of nowhere. Sheldon is now in costume. Randolph rushes out of the door, very excited. RANDOLPH Okay, they're ready for you! SHELDON I gotta say, this is a first -- I never performed in a tractor parts warehouse before. RANDOLPH Well, we like to do these things no-frills. It's all about the kids. SHELDON Amen to that. Randolph opens the door a crack and listens. We hear an O.S. VOICE from inside. VOICE (O.S.) It gives me great pleasure to introduce our very special guest... a supporter of the cause and a friend to the brotherhood. Please welcome, the one, the only... Smoochy the Rhino! We hear APPLAUSE. Randolph quickly opens the rusty door. RANDOLPH Knock 'em dead, kid! He shoves Sheldon inside. INT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon runs in and immediately starts singing and dancing on the makeshift stage. (CONTINUED) 56. CONTINUED: SMOOCHY 'Well, how-do-you-do, my good friends! How do-you-do, my pals! It's so nice to see good friends! Sing along with me now! How do you do, my good -- ' Sheldon abruptly stops singing as a look of shock comes over him. PUSH IN ON his troubled face. OMITTED INT. WAREHOUSE - SHELDON'S POV Several hundred men in Nazi uniforms in a warehouse draped in swastikas. They all start chanting: NAZIS Heil Smoochy! Heil Smoochy! Heil Smoochy! A huge swastika banner unfurls behind Smoochy, framing him like Patton in front of the American flag. Flashbulbs go off. The "Heil Smoochys" continue. A GERMAN MARCH starts to BLARE from the SPEAKERS. Looking stunned, Sheldon slowly leans into the mic. He clears his throat. The MUSIC STOPS. Everyone quiets down. He searches for just the right words, and finally... SHELDON It's my sincere hope that I'm dreaming right now, but in the event that I'm not... what's the deal with the swastikas? Suddenly, a sea of policemen bursts into the warehouse. LEAD COP This is an unlawful assembly, you kraut sons-a-bitches! You're all under arrest! Pandemonium ensues us all the Nazis run for cover. Sheldon stands in the middle of it all, unsure what to do. EXT. WAREHOUSE - SHORT WHILE LATER Sheldon is led from the warehouse in handcuffs and is barraged with questions from waiting REPORTERS. Flashbulbs go off as they shout out questions. (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: REPORTER #1 Are you officially a member of the Aryan Brotherhood, Sheldon? REPORTER #2 Is it true you consider Adolph Hitler your personal hero? REPORTER #3 Do you think associating with neo- Nazis might adversely affect your career? REPORTER #4 How does it feel to be a hate- filled racist scumbag? SHELDON This is a mix-up! I'm innocent! I don't hate anyone! REPORTER #4 Does that mean you don't hate Nazis? SHELDON Wait! I didn't say that! I -- Sheldon is shoved into the back seat of a squad car. It drives off, SIRENS BLARING. MONTAGE EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT The squad car drives through Times Square. The headlines on the zipper marquee GLIDE THROUGH the FRAME: "Smoochy the Rhino Arrested at Nazi Rally... Cops Raid Warehouse During Rhino's Performance... Aryan Brotherhood Declares Smoochy 'One of us.'... President Condemns 'Smoochy the Fascist'..." INT. SQUAD CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon stares out the window as the dark city passes by. We SLOWLY MOVE IN ON his eyes as we... DISSOLVE TO: 58. FLASHBACK - STUDIO C - SOMETIME IN PAST In SLOW MOTION, Smoochy dances in the studio while holding a delighted little girl in his arms. POLICE PRECINCT Sheldon is fingerprinted and photographed. AFRICAN JUNGLE STOCK FOOTAGE of a wild rhinoceros being shot by hunters. STUDIO C Smoochy's Magic Jungle is dismantled. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY - PAST A young Sheldon helps his grandfather spread black paint on a driveway. TIMES SQUARE - DAY (PRESENT) The Smoochy billboard is torn down. BLACK LIMBO The Smoochy costume is in flames. It slowly burns to ashes. EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY The Kidnet CEO stands before a cluster of reporters and network cameras. We can see the Times Square zipper marquee THROUGH the glass doors behind him. Headlines read: "Congressional Committee Probes Nazi Ties to Kid Biz"... "Smoochy Photos Removed From City Elementary Schools"... "Jewish Groups Plan 'Day of Outrage'"... "Rhino in Bronx Zoo Pelted With Eggs"... CEO Here at Kidnet, Smoochy the Rhino is now Smoochy the Ghost. We have excised that particular malignancy from our network and will seek out a suitable replacement. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: CEO (CONT'D) Until then, the Smoochy slot will be safely occupied by Popeye cartoons. Thank you. The reporters furiously scribble down his statement. END OF MONTAGE. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Randolph dances down the street like Gene Kelly. He whistles a happy tune and tips his hat to everyone who walks by. As he dances along, he pets a dog... RANDOLPH Hi there, poochy! Coos at a baby in a stroller... RANDOLPH Well, aren't you the cutest little boo-boo in the world! And grabs a rose from a flower vendor before handing it to an old lady... RANDOLPH For you, my dear! May you live to be a hundred! He continues to dance onward, waving back at everyone. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize he's heading straight for a light pole and slams into it with a sickening smack. RANDOLPH Fuck! EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - NIGHT Nora exits the revolving door of the Kidnet building and heads down Broadway. Sheldon pops out from a store front. He's wearing a knit cap and sunglasses to disguise himself. SHELDON I have to talk to you. Nora keeps walking. (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: NORA We have nothing to talk about. SHELDON Don't tell me you believe what they're saying! NORA I don't have to believe anyone. The picture in the paper said it all. No one forced you to perform at that rally. SHELDON Perform? I barely sang one song. NORA Well maybe next time you'll do a longer set. SHELDON Nora, I had no idea that was a Nazi function. None whatsoever! NORA Funny, you'd think the fifty-foot swastika you were standing in front of might've given you a hint. SHELDON The papers are blowing that out of proportion. It was nowhere near that big. Nora stops and looks Sheldon in the eye. NORA Look, the fact of the matter is, I don't know you, okay? Not really. So don't expect me to go out on an emotional limb here. Sheldon looks crushed. SHELDON But what about the balcony? What about the Klunky-Wunky dance? NORA I was drunk. Don't read too much into it. She looks at him for a moment and then walks off. 61. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAYS LATER A disheveled and unshaven Sheldon wanders the streets, looking dazed. He's stuffing a cupcake into his mouth and swigging from a bottle of root beer. He passes a construction site and notices some graffiti on a wall -- a crudely-drawn goose-stepping Smoochy in a Nazi uniform and Hitler moustache. Sheldon keeps walking. He descends the subway stairs at 42nd Street. EXT. CONEY ISLAND STATION - STREET LEVEL - LATER Sheldon comes up from the subway. We see the Cyclone from Astroland in the b.g. EXT. SIDE STREET (CONEY ISLAND) - FEW MINUTES LATER Sheldon stands in front of the methadone clinic he used to perform at. It's boarded up. He just stares at it. An OLD VAGRANT walks up to him. OLD VAGRANT If you're lookin' to get a cup of juice, the well's dried up, son. City shut her down. Bastards'll put a new pair of tits on the Statue of Liberty, but they won't help a poor hophead. The Vagrant shakes his head sadly. OLD VAGRANT Just once I wish I had a little clout. You know? I'd set things straight in this town, believe me. (sighs) Hell of a world. He walks off. SHELDON (to himself) Hell of a world. 62. INT. STOKES' OFFICE On a large screen TV the smiling Asian face of Takashi Yamashita, who's singing Cole Porter's "I Get a Kick Out of You" in Japanese. CUT BACK to reveal Takashi wearing a white sequined tuxedo with tails as he plays a white grand piano. He looks like an Asian Liberace. He is circled by a group of Japanese children who sing along with him. CHICK (V.O.) 'Takashi Sings Tin Pan Alley for Youngsters' is the hottest show on Japanese television. The sweat shops are working overtime trying to keep up with the demand. Record albums, toys, cereal, tee shirts, you name it... INT. STOKES' OFFICE - DAY Several tough-looking Asian men -- CHICK, SAMBO, and TOBI -- Takashi's management group -- sits in Stokes' office. Takashi sits quietly in the corner. Stokes sits behind his desk, sipping his trademark glass of wine. CHICK Look, Stokes, let's cut the bullshit. We want Takashi in that Smoochy slot and we're willing to do whatever it takes to get it. STOKES Pardon me for saying this, but for a non-resident of this country, you speak impeccable English. CHICK I'm originally from Teaneck. STOKES Ah. CHICK We own every hair on this bastard's head and we're willing to share a few strands... if you get my drift. STOKES Well, it's not that simple. I have an executive board to answer to. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make a deal but -- (CONTINUED) 63. CONTINUED: CHICK You mean like this? Chick snaps his fingers and Tobi, the third Asian guy, walks over and drops a duffel bag on Stokes' desk. STOKES Oh my. And what is this on my desk? CHICK Two hundred grand in a Louis Vuitton duffle bag. Get our boy the slot and we'll round it off to a million. And you can keep the luggage. Stokes stares down at the bundle of opportunity on his desk. CHICK You're dealing with an honorable culture, Frank. We know how to play ball. Stokes unzips the bag and gazes at the money. He looks up at Chick and smiles. STOKES Gentlemen, I suddenly feel invigorated and full of hope. Chick smiles. INT. NORA'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING On Nora's TV screen, we see the black and white image of Rickets the Hippo doing the "Klunky-Wunky Dance." Nora sits on the couch and stares hypnotically at the screen. There is a KNOCK at the door. She gets up and ejects the "Best of Rickets" tape. She opens the door. To her surprise, Randolph is standing there. RANDOLPH Hiya, cutie! Before she can respond, he enters the apartment and takes off his jacket. (CONTINUED) 64. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH So here's the good news: Yes, I'll be happy to end my sabbatical and return to my old slot. I know you and Frank are in a bind, so I'll start Monday. Call wardrobe, call props, tell 'em the R man is back and he's ready to start whistlin' dem happy tunes for da little chillens. He flops down on the couch. RANDOLPH Ahhh. Who do ya gotta blow to get a Scotch around here? He laughs. NORA You've got three seconds to pry your ass off my couch and get out. Randolph jumps to his feet. RANDOLPH Dammit, Nora! The rhino's gone! You need that slot filled and I'm ready to reclaim what's rightfully mine. NORA Just in case you forgot, you're a criminal and a scumbag. RANDOLPH Okay, so maybe I commandeered a stray shekel or two. Big deal! Compared to what Smoochy did that's like jerking off in the supermarket. NORA Where do you shop? Randolph walks over and puts his hands on her shoulders. RANDOLPH Come on. Have you lost all affection for me? After what we once had? (CONTINUED) 65. CONTINUED: NORA That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid. RANDOLPH Why we broke up I'll never know. NORA You turned into an asshole and I didn't love you. RANDOLPH We could've worked through all that. He leans in to kiss her and she shoves him away so violently he almost falls over the coffee table. RANDOLPH Damn it, Nora! The public is clamoring for me! I'm a fucking patriot! Mopes is a Nazi! He's evil! He's probably even gay! You should've seen the way he was checking me out in the car! NORA (suddenly suspicious) What does that mean? RANDOLPH What does what mean? NORA You said he was checking you out in the car. What car? RANDOLPH No... it's just a vibe! A Nazi homosexual vibe! It emanates from the television! The whole Smoochy costume... with the erect horn... I mean, what's that all about? Nora starts to walk closer to him. He backs up. NORA You're talking awfully fast, Randolph. RANDOLPH I still love you! Let's go on a date! (CONTINUED) 66. CONTINUED: NORA Were you at that rally? Tell me! Did you have something to do with this? She backs him against the wall and looks him in the eye. NORA Did you set Sheldon up? Randolph just looks at her. RANDOLPH You know, now I remember why we broke up. Always with the accusations. Bitch, bitch, bitch... Nora hauls off and punches him in the jaw. INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - NIGHT A morose-looking Spinner Dunn sits alone at the end of the bar in the nightclub. Tommy walks over. TOMMY What's wrong, kid? The mayor of Patterson's here with his wife. They wanna meet ya. SPINNER I don't wanna meet no one. I miss Smoochy! He never woulda done the things they say he done. He ain't no Nazi. Someone's making stuff up. I just know it, Tommy. Someone's making stuff up! Spinner starts violently pounding his head on the bar, causing GLASSES to RATTLE. SPINNER I want Smoochy back! I want to be on TV again! I want to play my cowbell! Nora enters the restaurant. She looks around and approaches Tommy. NORA Hi, Tommy. Hi, Spinner. Has Burke been in tonight? (CONTINUED) 67. CONTINUED: TOMMY Haven't seen him. NORA Damn it. TOMMY Something I can help you with? NORA I have to talk to him. It's about Sheldon. Spinner lifts his head from the bar. SPINNER Sheldon? What about Sheldon? INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Randolph is napping on Angelo's couch with an ice pack on his sore jaw thanks to Nora's fist. There is a sudden LOUD POUNDING at the door. Randolph startles awake. RANDOLPH I'm trying to sleep, asshole! Read the fucking meter some other time! After a beat, the door is kicked open and Tommy and his crew are standing there. TOMMY You wanna tell me about the rhino? RANDOLPH Hey, this is private property, creep! And you're trespassing! TOMMY Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub. Danny advances toward a shaking Randolph, fist clenched and rolling up his sleeve. RANDOLPH'S POV - DANNY approaches. He cocks his arm and throws a punch. Danny's fist FILLS the FRAME, TURNING IT BLACK as we hear the PUNCH. 68. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - SERIES OF DISSOLVES - BEFORE DAWN Newspaper trucks pull up to various newsstands and toss out bundles of the morning editions. As each bundle lands on the curb, we see headlines that span over the next few days: SMOOCHY SET UP - SMILEY BEHIND NAZI PLOT PLANNED TO DESTROY RHINO'S REP POLL: RAINBOW RANDOLPH MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA PUBLIC OUTCRY: "WE'RE SORRY SMOOCHY!" EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - DAY Randolph, bruised and battered, emerges from the police station with his LAWYER. REPORTERS and photographers rush forward. REPORTER #1 How does it feel to be voted the most hated man in America, Randolph? RANDOLPH In a country like this, where your average citizen is a fuckin' Neanderthal, I wear it as a badge of honor. REPORTER #2 What about Ms. Bishop's charge that you have an unhealthy obsession with Sheldon Mopes? RANDOLPH Listen, I barely know that broad. She's a wacko. An opportunist. I'm the most accused man since Jimmy Hoffa. Someone throws an egg and it hits Randolph in the face. RANDOLPH (on verge of tears) That was unfair! Who threw that? That was mean and uncalled for! (CONTINUED) 69. CONTINUED: LAWYER My client is not answering any more questions. Between his dwindling cash flow and mounting legal bills he's sinking into a deep psychotic depression. Please stop antagonizing him. Thank you. He pushes a sullen Randolph through the cluster of people. INT. BACKSTAGE - STUDIO C - DAY A makeup woman dabs Sheldon's forehead as he's about to go on. Nora stands next to him. A LOW TYMPANY ROLL is heard from the stage. SHELDON (to Nora) I wouldn't be back here if it wasn't for you. NORA I'm just sorry I didn't believe you... that I got swept up in the frenzy of anti-Smoochyism. SHELDON Well, this town's a house of mirrors sometimes. It's hard to know what you're looking at. He takes a couple of pre-show deep breaths. A STAGEHAND approaches. STAGEHAND They're ready for you, Sheldon. Sheldon exits backstage. INT. STUDIO C - CONTINUOUS ACTION The lights in the studio dim. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls... (dramatic pause) Who's your favorite rhino? An explosion of enthusiasm from the kids in the bleachers. (CONTINUED) 70. CONTINUED: KIDS IN BLEACHERS Smoochy!!! The lights come up as the Smoochyland Band plays a strong, dramatic version of "Battle Hymn of the Republic." After a moment, Smoochy slowly rises from a lift under the stage. A giant sign above the jungle lights up and emits a pyrotechnic shower of sparks. It reads: WELCOME HOME SMOOCHY! ANGLE ON SMOOCHYLAND BAND A beaming Spinner Dunn enthusiastically bangs his cowbell to the music as tears stream down his cheeks. BACK ON SMOOCHY He majestically stands center stage and nods to the kids who are giving him a standing ovation. The song crescendos with a rousing final chorus from the Smoochyland Band who sing, "His truth is marching on!" Thunderous applause from the bleachers. Smoochy walks over to a stool and takes a seat. It's very quiet in the studio now. Smoochy, looking uncharacteristically serious, picks up a microphone as the lights go down. He's in black limbo. SMOOCHY Thank you. It's good to be back. You know, kids, sometimes life in the jungle can be unfair. A place where nice guys don't just finish last... they get their heads cut off. Gasps from the bleachers. SMOOCHY That pretty world you think you know is just props and scenery. Lollipop trees with roots in venom! ANGLE - NORA watches nervously from offstage. (CONTINUED) 71. CONTINUED: BACK ON SMOOCHY SMOOCHY So look around you, boys and girls. Every day. Be diligent! Stand strong! As the old proverb says: Beat a dog one time too many and you get a wolf! Let's start howling! Howl for me, boys and girls! The kids in the bleachers howl along with Smoochy. SMOOCHY Okay, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Who wants to do the Hokey-Pokey?! The kids cheer as the Smoochyland Band launches into the Hokey-Pokey song and Smoochy starts dancing. The kids pour out of the bleachers onto the jungle set. Everyone is dancing and having a ball. Nora is clapping to the music offstage. Sheldon and Nora exchange affectionate glances. OMITTED INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Randolph sits in front of the TELEVISION in a daze. He's wearing a ratty bathrobe and absentmindedly tosses cheese curls onto the floor from a bag on his lap. ON the TV, an "Entertainment Tonight"-type show with two perky hosts is covering Smoochy's return to the airwaves. The hosts, Tara and Hunter show Smoochy's dynamic entrance and the standing ovation he got during the taping that day. TARA (V.O.) Well, Smoochy's back and boy did we miss him. Hundreds of well- wishers stood outside Kidnet Studios today hoping to catch a glimpse of their favorite rhino. HUNTER (V.O.) That's right, Tara. Smoochy's popularity is stronger than ever thanks to his recent exoneration as a Nazi sympathizer. In fact, several movie studios are offering big bucks for a chance to bring the Smoochy story to the silver screen... (CONTINUED) 72. CONTINUED: The BROADCAST CONTINUES. Smoochy images flash across the screen. Randolph has been mumbling the whole time. RANDOLPH (quietly to himself) Bad... very bad... too much for brain... pressure building... ears ringing... eyes burning... contempt overflowing... He jumps up and kicks the TV over. He picks up a lamp and starts beating the TV. RANDOLPH I hate you! I fucking hate you!!! You devil-horned mind fucker! Die, die, die!! Angelo, who was cooking in the kitchen, runs out. He's wearing an apron. ANGELO What are you doing?! That's a Zenith! (notices cheese curls) Look at this place! He grabs the lamp from Randolph. ANGELO That's it! I want you out of here! RANDOLPH (suddenly scared) Where am I supposed to go? ANGELO I don't care! (pointing to door) Out!! INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - NIGHT Spinner's massive arms envelope Sheldon in a bear hug, practically lifting him out of his seat. Burke, who's having dinner with Sheldon, holds onto the table before it gets knocked over. SHELDON Easy, Spinner. Watch the ribs, buddy. (CONTINUED) 73. CONTINUED: SPINNER I missed you so much! SHELDON I missed you too, champ. He drops Sheldon and pulls out his cowbell. SPINNER I've been practicing and practicing and I got real good, Sheldon. Real good! He starts banging on it with a butter knife. Sheldon cringes. SPINNER Wanna see me march? SHELDON Sure, why not. Spinner starts marching through the restaurant, clanging the cowbell. People who are trying to eat their dinner look annoyed. Sheldon sits back down at his table. BURKE So you were saying you had some good news? SHELDON Yes. Some very good news. After giving it a lot of thought... I've decided to do the ice show. Burke gleefully slaps Sheldon on the shoulder. BURKE Finally! I got me a bar mitzvah boy. Today you are a man! SHELDON I realize now it's a sin to waste your power. BURKE Like they say, rock bottom's a college education. (CONTINUED) 74. CONTINUED: SHELDON But here's the really good news: I'm doing it myself. No sponsors, no vendors, no crooks. Not one dirty hand will touch this. Not one person will make a dollar off these kids. Smoochy on Ice will be a study in purity. Burke's grin suddenly fades. SHELDON As far as food concessions go, I'll supply the refreshments. For free. Low sodium, whole wheat pretzels and apple slices. Healthy stuff. Now are you ready for the best part? BURKE I'm holding my breath. SHELDON All profits from ticket sales will be used to built a state-of-the- art methadone clinic in Coney Island. Burke looks pale. SHELDON I'm not just talking a run-of-the- mill clinic... I'm going to build a methadone palace. A place where men and women can withdraw in luxury. BURKE Sheldon, you can't do an ice show and cut out the vendors. And more importantly, you can't cut out the Parade of Hope. It's suicide. SHELDON You always told me, when you've got muscles you make the rules. Well, I'm feeling pretty strong right now. Sheldon rises and tosses his napkin down. (CONTINUED) 75. CONTINUED: SHELDON All this time I was letting the business use me. Well, I think it's time I start using the business. I've got my clout back and I'm not gonna waste it this time. Take care of it, Burke. Sheldon exits. Burke sits there, looking very concerned. On his way out the door, Tommy stops Sheldon. Spinner's COWBELL CLANGING continues. TOMMY Shel, you gotta help me out. He bangs that goddamn thing from morning till night. I got a headache that goes from my eyes to my ass. SHELDON Whatever I can do, Tommy, just say it. You know I love Spinner. And I owe you. TOMMY Give the boy something else to do on the show. Anything. Just as long as it don't clang, chime or honk. INT. STOKES' OFFICE - TIGHT ON FACE OF FRANK STOKES - DAY frightened. There's a gun to his temple. WIDER Chick, the Asian representative of Takashi, holds a revolver on Stokes. His cohorts, Sambo and Tobi, stand by. CHICK I don't like complications, Frank. You got one week to get Takashi that slot or you're gonna be shakin' hands with Buddha. STOKES Don't you understand? My hands are tied. The rhino's been exonerated. The show's more popular than ever. (CONTINUED) 76. CONTINUED: CHICK (to Sambo and Tobi) Okay, boys, chop him up, bag him and dump him in the woods. Sambo and Tobi start to advance on Stokes. STOKES All right! I'll take care of it! I just need time! Chick leans into Stokes' face. CHICK One week, Jeeves. Got that? Or I get a blender and make an Orange Julius with your feet. They exit. EXT. STREET - DAY A down-and-out Randolph shuffles along in ratty bedroom slippers. He passes a MAN who sits behind a small table on the sidewalk. The table has a huge photograph of a rhinoceros taped in front of it. Literature and pamphlets depicting the black rhino are spread out on the table. MAN Save the rhino! Before it's too late! Make a donation! Save the rhino! (to Randolph) Hey, mister, ya wanna help save the rhino? Randolph just looks at him for a moment. He looks at all the rhino-related imagery. He starts shaking and suddenly jumps over the table and attacks the Man. RANDOLPH I'm the one who needs to be saved! Me. I'm broke! I lost my lawyer! My only friend kicked me out! I'm a fucking peanut shell in the shape of a man! Save the Rainbow! Save the Rainbow! Save the Rainbow! MAN Help! Someone call a cop! Randolph grabs the collection can and runs off. 77. EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY It's a chilly, grey afternoon. Stokes and Burke walk along the lake framed by the New York skyline. STOKES Your client is suffocating me. To make matters worse, he's caused me to veer into a hazardous situation. A situation that otherwise could have a very happy ending. BURKE Tell me more about the Asians. STOKES They're ruthless. Unwavering. Unprincipled. And best of all, they know how the game is played. They respect our delicate ecosystem of mutual benefit. Stokes stops walking and grabs Burke's arm. STOKES I'd bring you in on this, Burke. You'd be my partner on the Takashi deal. Split down the middle. We have an opportunity to get back on track here. Back to the way it was. BURKE The good old days. STOKES Pre-rhinoceros. The two men look at each other as thoughts pass silently between them. BURKE This is very sticky ground we're about to walk on. STOKES Well, you're used to a little glue on your shoes. Burke smiles. BURKE Let me poke around. Sift through the possibilities. OMITTED 78. EXT. ALLEY OFF ND STREET - THEATER STAGE DOOR - EVENING A slender young man in a Peter Pan costume in being held by a big thug as another thug beats him up. A girl dressed as Tinkerbell (also being restrained) looks on in horror. Merv Green (Parade of Hope) steps INTO FRAME. MERV This is what happens to guys who keep secrets, Johnny. JOHNNY I'll give you the rest next week! I promise! MERV It's not me you're fucking over, it's sick kids. You got something against sick kids, Johnny? The thug punches him in the stomach again. JOHNNY No! I love sick kids! Merv nods to one of the thugs who releases Peter Pan. He slumps to the ground. Merv kneels down and lifts his head from the pavement. MERV And you tell that fat producer of yours, if he ever gives me a low head count again, he'll lose the other thumb. One of Merv's thugs leans in, whispers something to Merv, who looks up to see. Burke standing in the mouth of the alley. BURKE Merv Green. How's tricks, kid? MERV Well, if it ain't smilin' Burke. Whose bones are you pickin' today? BURKE (chuckles) You got a minute, pally? OMITTED 79. EXT. ND STREET - MOMENTS LATER Burke and Merv walk along 42nd Street. A poster advertises Peter Pan "Sponsored by Parade of Hope -- Giving Children the Gift of Promise!" Merv's thugs trail behind. MERV No one freezes me out of an ice show. No one. I don't care how many fucking clinics he's trying to save. BURKE Look, I'm chokin' on the same bone as you. MERV If you're trying to aggravate me, you're doing a hell of a job. BURKE I'm not here to aggravate, just educate. I think Mopes might be talking to people he shouldn't be talking to. MERV That's an ugly string of words. BURKE He's got it in his head that he's gonna clean up the way we do business. (beat) Truthfully? I wouldn't be surprised if he's wearing a wire. Burke looks at his watch. BURKE Jesus, I got a thing across town. He steps off the curb to hail a cab. BURKE Let's keep talking, Merv. There's oughta be some kind of solution. Don't you think? Burke hops into a cab. Merv watches the cab pull away. 80. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - OUTSIDE KIDNET BUILDING - TIGHT SHOT - LEGS OF SMALL CARD TABLE - MORNING SNAP open. The table is set on the sidewalk. A man's legs ENTER the FRAME and shakily climb on top of the table. WIDER Randolph stands on the table directly in front of the Kidnet Building. He raises the megaphone to his mouth. RANDOLPH Attention, New Yorkers! You are about to hear a shocking story of injustice! WIDER Randolph stands on the table directly in front of the Kidnet Building. RANDOLPH I urge you to listen! It has a surprise ending you won't want to miss! A crowd starts to form on the sidewalk. RANDOLPH It's the story of a venomous rhino and his aggressive campaign to slander, vilify, defame, denigrate and villainize my good name! But one thing he can't do, is take my life from me. No, friends, only I have the power to do that! He reaches down and picks up a can of gasoline. RANDOLPH This is what Smoochy has done to me! He's brought me to this! I can no longer live in a world where the innocent suffer and the wicked thrive! Randolph raises the can over his head and pauses dramatically. RANDOLPH Where is God??!! (CONTINUED) 81. CONTINUED: He drenches himself with gasoline. The crowd grows larger. He holds up a pack of matches. RANDOLPH I'm sorry to do this, people. Don't try to talk me out of it. The crowd starts to applaud. Randolph looks baffled. MAN IN CROWD Do it! Light it! RANDOLPH Our guest of honor will be here any moment! This is for his eyes! For his conscience. He'll have to live with this imagine for the rest of his miserable life! INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon sits in the back of a limo on his way to work, reading the paper. The headline blares: "SMOOCHY ANNOUNCES ICE SHOW AT GARDEN." The subhead reads: "ALL PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT BROOKLYN CLINIC." SMOOCHY (to driver) Take it from me, Lester. Use your power. Don't squander it -- build with it. LESTER Sound advice, Mr. Mopes. If I ever get any power I'll give that a whirl. (notices crowd up ahead) Hey, what's going on up there? Sheldon glances up from his paper. SMOOCHY (casually) Looks like a street performer of some sort. He goes back to his paper. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Randolph sees the Kidnet limo approaching. (CONTINUED) 82. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH This is it, folks! It's showtime! I'm sorry to do this, but he's left me no choice! Randolph tries to light another match, but it's wet from the gasoline. The crowd laughs and starts taunting him. RANDOLPH Shut up, you hillbilly assholes! You're borough trash! Go back to your huts across the river! Randolph keeps trying to light the match. Finally, after several attempts, it lights. He holds it up. The crowd burst into applause. RANDOLPH Fuck you! Fuck all you people! I was the last of the Mohicans! You'll never see another Rainbow Randolph in this lifetime! You had me and you blew it! All of you! He turns and faces the approaching limousine. RANDOLPH This if for you, Smoochy! Remember this! As long as you live, remember this image! You did this to me! He brings the match closer to his gasoline-soaked body. The limo continues to approach. The crowd taunts him to do it. He tries to bring the match closer, but his hand is shaking. Suddenly, a LITTLE GIRL pushes through the crowd. Everyone quiets down as she looks up at Randolph. LITTLE GIRL Whatcha doin', Rainbow Randolph? Randolph freezes as he looks down at the Little Girl. A slight look of hope comes over his face. She smiles sweetly at him, walks over, and blows out the match. Randolph is overcome with emotion. Just then, Sheldon's LIMO WHOOSHES past him. The crowd cheers. CROWD Smoochy!!! (CONTINUED) 83. CONTINUED: They all run away from Randolph and over to Sheldon's limo as it pulls in front of the Kidnet Building. Randolph stares at them blankly. He looks down. The Little Girl is gone. Sheldon gets out of the limo. The crowd cheers him as he waves to them before going inside. A look of utter frustration now comes over Randolph. OVERHEAD SHOT Randolph drops to his knees on the table, looks skyward, and screams. RANDOLPH What does it all mean??!! The CAMERA RISES ABOVE him as he lets out an anguished howl that REVERBERATES through the skyscrapers. INT. KIDNET STUDIOS - BACKSTAGE - TIGHT ON DISAPPOINTED FACE OF SPINNER DUNN - DAY SPINNER What do you mean I can't play the cowbell no more? WIDER Sheldon gently tries to break the news to Spinner who's on the verge of tears. SHELDON You're too talented for the cowbell, Spinner. Cowbells are for babies. SPINNER (a little angry) I ain't no baby! SHELDON That's right. You're a fully grown man. With whiskers... and scars... the whole sha-bang. That's why you deserve a bigger role on the show. A more important role... Spinner's face starts to perk up. 84. INT. STUDIO C - SHORT WHILE LATER It's the middle of a Smoochy taping. Smoochy and the Gang are wrapping up a song entitled, "My Stepdad's Not Mean (He's Just Adjusting.)" The kids in the bleachers are singing the chorus. KIDS 'Stepdads are people too/ They have bad days, like we all do/ Be patient and help them through/ Stepdads are people too...' Smoochy continues the song. SMOOCHY (singing) ... 'So three cheers for the man that I proudly call Stan... He's not quite a dad or a brother... Yes, he gets cross, but still he's the boss... And besides he takes care of my mother!' The song ends. The kids in the bleachers applaud. Smoochy addresses them. SMOOCHY Remember, kids. First impressions, good or bad, are not always what they seem. Just like a new puppy, new dads need to adjust to their surroundings. So give 'em time! But always remember... if he becomes abusive to you or Mommy... what are the magic numbers? KIDS IN BLEACHERS (shouting in unison) Nine-One-One! SMOOCHY Right-o-riffic! The Smoochyland Band plays a little fanfare. SMOOCHY And now, boys and girls, I have a special surprise. I'd like to introduce the newest member of the Magic Jungle... my cousin... Moochy the Rhino! (CONTINUED) 85. CONTINUED: The Smoochyland Band plays a happy little song as Spinner Dunn, in costume as Moochy, runs on stage. The Moochy costume is identical to Smoochy only it's a darker orange instead of bright orange. SMOOCHY Howdy, Moochy! Welcome to the Jungle! You wanna say howdy to the kids? Spinner freezes. He stares at the camera. SMOOCHY Moochy? SPINNER My name is Moochy. SMOOCHY That's right. We've established that. SPINNER (leaning into Sheldon) Sheldon, this costume's makin' my nuts itch. Sheldon looks horrified. The Smoochyland Band quickly launches into some music. Smoochy, Moochy and a few other jungle animals begin to dance. Moochy's lumbering movements are in stark contrast to the choreographed steps of the others. As a bonus, he occasionally scratches his crotch. INT. SHELDON'S DRESSING ROOM - AFTER THE SHOW A happy Spinner (still in costume as Moochy) pokes his head into Sheldon's dressing room. Sheldon, still in costume as well, looks drained after the difficult taping. SPINNER That was fun! Was it bad when I done that thing, where I tripped and knocked over the Flamingo and then he knocked over the cameraman and then those lights fell down on that lady's head? (CONTINUED) 86. CONTINUED: SHELDON It's fine, Spinner. We'll edit it out. But tomorrow in rehearsal we're gonna work on a new thing called 'the importance of hitting your mark.' SPINNER Great! I get to hit something! Spinner dances off. A beat later, Nora enters and shuts the door. There's an awkward beat of silence. NORA Hi. SHELDON Hi. NORA I read about the ice show. SHELDON Yeah, the papers seem to be really covering it. NORA I think it's great. What you're doing for that clinic. SHELDON Thanks. She nods. NORA I just need some clarification... SHELDON Don't worry. Spinner just needs a little more rehearsal. I'll get him there. NORA No I mean about us. Sheldon looks uncomfortable. NORA Ever since you've been back I just feel like there's something that's not connecting. (CONTINUED) 87. CONTINUED: SHELDON I guess I'm still readjusting a little. Like a guy who's come back from the war. Not that I'd equate my misfortune with the brave men and women who protect us overseas. NORA I just thought we were on our way to something... granted, my mistaken belief that you had ties to Neo-Nazis might have put a damper on our relationship, but I'm sorry for -- Sheldon suddenly jumps up and grabs her. He kisses her passionately. Nora immediately starts ripping off his costume as they make out. They fall to the floor in a lustful embrace. INT. STUDIO - BACK HALLWAY - SAME TIME Spinner, humming to himself, lumbers down the hallway on his way to the wardrobe room. Halfway down the hall, he hears a voice call out to him. VOICE (O.S.) Hey -- rhino. Spinner turns around. The door to the fire exit swings open. Two of Merv's thugs emerge and grab Spinner (who's still in full Moochy costume) and drag him into the stairwell. INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE - MOMENT LATER Spinner is dragged into the garage and knocked to the pavement. Several more thugs emerge from the shadows, including Henry, Merv's main henchman. They start beating him with lead pipes. Henry pulls out a REVOLVER. He SHOOTS the rhino several times. A sedan trunk is popped open and Moochy is thrown inside. The CAR SCREECHES up to the street. INT. CHINATOWN - NIGHT We CRANE DOWN FROM a Chinese banner that stretches across two tenements. We LAND ON the seedy, deserted street below as the SEDAN BARRELS INTO FRAME and SQUEALS to a stop. (CONTINUED) 88. CONTINUED: Two thugs emerge from the car. They pull Spinner/Moochy from the trunk and toss his body by some garbage cans, knocking a few over. They get back in the car and speed away. Moochy's lifeless foam body rolls into the gutter and lays motionless. Blood seeps through his foamy torso. LOW OVERHEAD SHOT of Spinner/Moochy. We SLOWLY START TO RISE UP as we LOOK DOWN AT the rhino's body. The WIND WHISTLES through the empty street as we get HIGHER. The Chinese banner rustles THROUGH the FRAME. As we get HIGHER AND HIGHER, we hear the intermittent CLANG of a PRIZE FIGHT BELL. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SAME STREET - HOURS LATER In the same frame, detectives and uniformed cops are now at the scene gathering evidence. Where Spinner once lay, there is now a bright yellow chalk outline in the shape of a rhinoceros. INT. PARADE OF HOPE OFFICES - NEXT DAY FULL FRAME ON a TELEVISION screen. A local news anchor is reading the top story. ANCHOR (V.O.) Former heavyweight contender and restaurateur Lawrence 'Spinner' Dunn was found shot to death in a rhinoceros outfit early this morning in Chinatown. Dunn, a frequent performer on 'Smoochy's Magic Jungle,' was pronounced dead at the scene. Police are searching for -- A hand ENTERS FRAME and violently slaps the TV OFF. WIDE An enraged Merv Green glares at his henchmen, Henry and MITCH. MERV How could you hit the wrong rhino?! (CONTINUED) 89. CONTINUED: HENRY Who knew Smoochy had a cousin Moochy? They look fucking identical. MERV Smoochy is bright orange, Moochy is burnt rust! Read the papers! Do I gotta take you back to fucking kindergarten? MITCH All you said was 'hit the rhino.' You never specified the color. I'm not taking the blame for this one. Merv's anger builds. He turns to a picture of Smoochy which is tacked to a bulletin board along with other kid show personalities that the foundation extorts. Merv picks up a letter opener and violently thrusts it into the picture. MERV I'm not through with you yet, rhino! Your time will fucking come! INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - SHORT WHILE LATER Cops rummage through Angelo's apartment. In the b.g., a detective, ELLIS, interviews Angelo. Another detective, McCALL, is looking through some papers he found. McCALL Ellie, over here. Ellis walks over. McCall shows him some scribblings he's found in a notebook of Randolph's. The crude drawings depict Smoochy with his head cut off... with a knife in his heart... being pissed on by Randolph, etc. "Die, Rhino, Die" is scrawled hundreds of times, filling page after page. The two detectives look at each other and nod. INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT - DAY Spinner sleeps forever in an open casket, clutching his cowbell. Dozens of Spinner's relatives are at the wake. (CONTINUED) 90. CONTINUED: A bagpipe player plays "Amazing Grace." Sheldon stands at the casket, fighting back tears as he stares down at his old friend. Nora has her arm around him. SHELDON It's my fault. He'd still be alive if it wasn't for me. He would have been so proud to be in the ice show. NORA There was nothing you could have done. Don't torture yourself. SHELDON I'm sorry, Spinner. I'm so sorry. Tommy and the boys walk over. Tommy puts his arm around Sheldon as he gazes somberly at Spinner. TOMMY He really loved you, Shel. And this I guarantee -- that fucking Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're gonna find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass. SHELDON Maybe you better leave it to the police. DANNY They won't do the ball thing. It's against procedure. TOMMY Don't forget -- that hit was meant for you, Shel. So from now on, everywhere you go, we go. SHELDON That's okay, Tommy. I'll be fine. TOMMY Fine, nothin'. And as Christ is my witness, no one's touchin' a hair on your fuckin' head. Spinner would have wanted it that way. Tommy's crew nods and agrees. (CONTINUED) 91. CONTINUED: TOMMY (to the boys) Alright, boys, let's get shit- faced. For Spin. They head for the bar. Nora and Sheldon look down at Spinner in silence. SHELDON Didn't Rickets the Hippo have a song about death? NORA 'The Last Nappy Time.' It gave me a lot of comfort when my mother died. (sings quietly) 'When doggies stop barking And fish cease to swim And Grandpa lays silent, from his head to his limbs Sadness will find you But soon you'll feel fine...' Sheldon joins in. SHELDON/NORA 'In life we all have Our Last Nappy Time.' Sheldon looks at her. They embrace as BAGPIPE MUSIC SWELLS. OMITTED EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT The news zipper in Times Square glides through the night air: "MANHUNT UNDERWAY FOR RAINBOW RANDOLPH... SUSPECTED IN BOXER'S MURDER... SEEN OUTSIDE BUILDING SHORTLY BEFORE SHOOTING, DRENCHED IN GASOLINE AND ACTING PECULIAR..." We CRANE DOWN FROM the zipper ONTO the sidewalk. Randolph is talking on a pay phone. We hear Angelo on the other end. RANDOLPH I didn't do it! I know you're still mad at me, but you gotta believe me. (CONTINUED) 92. CONTINUED: ANGELO (V.O.) The papers say you were the mastermind. RANDOLPH Mastermind? I can barely figure out how to unzip my pants these days. Just taking a piss is a logistical nightmare. ANGELO (V.O.) I believe you, Randy. But you can't come back to my place. They'll find you. You gotta go underground. EXT. LIBERTY FLOUR AND BISCUIT FACTORY - NIGHT We are outside the long-abandoned Liberty Biscuit and Flour factory. The Liberty sign with its Statue of Liberty logo is eroded and partially missing. INT. LIBERTY BISCUIT AND FLOUR FACTORY - CONTINUOUS ACTION Inside the massive dormant factory, rats scurry around and pigeons occasionally fly from window sill to window sill. A makeshift living area has been set up in the middle of it all -- a chair, lamp, small table, hot plate, etc. Randolph lays on the dilapidated conveyor belt, huddled under a blanket. Angelo enters the factory through a rusty door, carrying provisions. ANGELO It's heatin' up out there. Every cop in New York is looking for you. And Tommy Cotter's boys are combin' the streets. You're gonna have to stay put for a while. Randolph sits up on the conveyor belt, blanket draped over his shoulders. He's a physical and emotional wreck. RANDOLPH I was an altar boy once. Did you know that? I wanted to be a priest. Do you believe in angels, Angie? (CONTINUED) 93. CONTINUED: ANGELO Angels? RANDOLPH There was a little angel in pigtails. She was the only one who cared about me. She saved my life. Angelo hops up on the conveyor belt to console Randolph. Randolph rests his head on Angelo's shoulder. ANGELO You didn't want to kill yourself, Randy. You know that. RANDOLPH Perhaps it's time to heal. To accept the fact that Smoochy has won and gracefully march forward. True, I'm currently wanted for a murder I didn't commit. But I have faith. Faith that justice will prevail. ANGELO Now you're talkin', kid. This is a big step... I'm proud of you. He strokes Randolph's head. RANDOLPH Did you bring lunch? ANGELO Yes. RANDOLPH Chicken and stars? ANGELO Just like you asked for. RANDOLPH Can I have some, please? ANGELO For a smile. Randolph sniffs and manages a small pitiful smile. Angelo musses his hair. ANGELO Atta boy. (CONTINUED) 94. CONTINUED: Angelo lifts one of the grocery bags onto the conveyor belt. ANGELO Here, I got you some crossword puzzles and stuff to read. Angelo hops off the conveyor belt and turns on the hot plate. He starts to open a can of soup. Randolph reaches into the bag and pulls out a copy of the New York Post. The lead article's headline reads, "WAKE FOR SPINNER." A large photograph shows mourners leaving the restaurant after the wake. Clearly visible are Sheldon and Nora. They have their arms around each other. Randolph's eyes widen. He starts to hyperventilate. Angelo looks up. ANGELO You okay? Randy? Finally, Randolph expels a blood-curdling scream that ECHOES through the factory. RANDOLPH Motherfucker!!!!!!! Angelo drops the soup. Birds in the factory flutter from the rafters. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ICE RINK Sheldon and the Rhinettes work on some choreography for that night's show. Nora watches from the sidelines. As Sheldon skates on the ice rink, Merv enters with Roy and Danny. Sheldon skates over to them. Nora walks over, too. TOMMY Big news, Shel. SHELDON What's that? TOMMY It wasn't Smiley who killed Spinner. It was Parade of Hope. NORA Merv Green? SHELDON Are you sure? The cops have tons of evidence on Randolph. (CONTINUED) 95. CONTINUED: TOMMY We did our own investigation. Cousin Ian from down at the morgue... you met him at the wake... FLASHBACK - INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - DAY Tommy is at the bar listening intently to a man, IAN, who is pointing to certain details on a photograph. IAN See the neck? Snapped like a twig. Animals... Parade of Hope's calling card. When they do a guy, they like to sign the tab. TOMMY What's that guy's name over there? Green? LEON Yeah, Merv Green. TOMMY This was one time they shoulda left the tab blank. INT. ICE RINK (PRESENT) NORA I knew Merv Green was a scumbag from the day he grabbed my ass at a 'Feed the Children' benefit. SHELDON Well, God help those guys now. They're gonna get a first-class ride through the criminal justice system, and I'm buying the tickets. TOMMY It's all taken care of, Shel. SHELDON What does that mean? 96. FLASHBACK - INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT A bloodied Merv Green is tied to a chair in the middle of the warehouse as he begs Tommy for his life. Merv's two henchmen lay dead nearby. Roy, Jimmy and Sammy -- Tommy's guys -- stand behind her. MERV It was a mistake! An honest mistake! All I'm trying to do is help children. TOMMY You like kids, huh? MERV Yes! Of course! TOMMY So you must know a few fairy tales. Danny, tell him the one about the worthless prick who gets his head chopped off. Danny, holding a hatchet, advances toward Merv. Tommy casually walks away. We STAY WITH Tommy. Merv is NO LONGER IN FRAME. MERV (O.S.) No... no... no! He SCREAMS. We hear the sound of the HATCHET HITTING its target. Merv's pleading stops. TOMMY Now you know why charities go under sometimes. INT. ICE RINK (PRESENT) SHELDON Do we really need to hear this? I don't want to hear this. JIMMY A clean cut. SHELDON Okay, got it. (CONTINUED) 97. CONTINUED: ROY And then we took his head and -- SHELDON Thank you! Specifics about his head are superfluous at this point. INT. STOKES' OFFICE - EVENING Nora is alone in Stokes' office, rearranging cards on the giant cork board that displays the network schedule. She is startled to hear a deep voice behind her. VOICE (O.S.) Where is he? She turns around. Chick, Tobi, and Sambo are standing there. Chick walks over to the cork board. He scans a row of cards that all read "Smoochy." NORA (attitude) Can I help you with something? CHICK Yeah, honey, you can help us with something... He rips a Smoochy index card from the board, walks over to her and waves it in her face. CHICK You tell that boss of yours he better take care of the rhino problem. In my culture we honor deals or invite consequences. NORA I don't know what you're talking about and your cologne's making me nauseous. Other than that, you're great company. Chick looks at his boys and chuckles. CHICK Spicy little thing, isn't she? (CONTINUED) 98. CONTINUED: He suddenly pulls out a switchblade and holds it to Nora's throat. CHICK Takashi gets that time slot. You hear me, girly? Tell that boss of yours we'll kill everyone at this fucking network if we have to. Starting with the pretty ones. He removes the knife from her throat and hurls it toward the bulletin board. It lands -- sticking right in the middle of a Smoochy card. CHICK Auf Wiedersehen, honey. They exit. INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE - NIGHT Nora is pacing. Sheldon sits by the fire. NORA It's Stokes. He's behind the whole thing! He cut some kind of deal for the Smoochy slot! SHELDON What are you talking about? NORA He wants you out so he can put Takashi in! SHELDON Who's Takashi? NORA Jesus, Sheldon! Don't you ever pick up a copy of International Performer? He's the hottest kid show host from Asia. Sheldon's head is swimming. Suddenly the front door to to the penthouse bursts open. Randolph, dressed like he's about to do his old show, stumbles in waving a gun. (CONTINUED) 99. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Ah! How very cozy. Like two logs in a little bonfire. All we need is a few sticks and some wienies. He almost trips as he stumbles over to Sheldon. He waves the gun in his face. RANDOLPH I had her before you! Pachyderm! I was in love with her! In love! And you snatched her away! Like a common thief! You're the bad guy! Not me! He's the bad guy, Nora. He's incapable of understanding the love we once had! Tender, yet passionate. Old-fashioned, yet experimental. (cackles) Tell him about a few of our experiments, Nora! Tell him! Sheldon looks stunned. Nora hangs her head. SHELDON (to Nora) Is this true? Please tell me it's just the confused ramblings of a diseased mind. She looks at him, but doesn't say anything. SHELDON Holy mother of Toledo. When exactly were you planning to let me know about this?! NORA (turns to Sheldon) Listen, there was a time -- and I'm not proud of this -- but there was a time when I was a bit of a... kiddie-host groupie. RANDOLPH You're just another action figure for her collection! NORA That's not fair! RANDOLPH Tell him about Jingle Jackson! (CONTINUED) 100. CONTINUED: SHELDON You dated Jingle Jackson? RANDOLPH The bells turned her on. Hey, tell him about Jumbo Johnny! There's a tale for ya! A whale of a tale! She looks down, somewhat ashamed. A look of utter shock comes over Sheldon. SHELDON Oh good Lord in Heaven. NORA Look, what I did before I met you is none of your business. RANDOLPH Shut up! Both of you! This is my show! He waves the gun threateningly as he backs up to an armchair and sits down. RANDOLPH Do you fully understand the power of a condemned man? Do you? I'm already wanted for one murder, why should I give a flaming horse's twat if I commit two more? SHELDON I... uh... read once that the best way to diffuse a tense situation is with a little humor. To that end, would you like to hear a funny joke? RANDOLPH (rolling his eyes) Oh, please. Go blow yourself, Martha. (waves gun again) Fix me a beverage, woman. Make me one of those drinks that used to make us all warm and fuzzy before bouncy-bouncy time! NORA Fix it yourself, asshole. (CONTINUED) 101. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (points to gun) Remember, I have Mr. Boomy. SHELDON I'm telling you, you'd love this joke. It revolves around Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny getting into a fender bender. Nora rolls her eyes and goes to the bar. RANDOLPH (to Sheldon) You know, when I lived here I used to have a big painting above the fireplace. A naked chick holding a pumpkin. It was very tasteful. No bush... NORA Look, Randolph. We know it wasn't you who killed Spinner. SHELDON We'll go to the police, first thing tomorrow... straighten everything out. RANDOLPH Oh! Goody-goody gumdrops! (to Nora) Vodka straight up is fine, sugar babe! He grabs the bottle out of her hand. He rises from the chair. He takes a CD, "PARTY TIME WITH RAINBOW RANDOLPH," from his pocket and puts it into an audio system on the fireplace wall. RANDOLPH Did you put on a little weight, honey? That's okay, you're still a hot little brood mare. I bet you miss the sweet sting of my riding crop. Giddy up, pony! The THEME SONG from his show starts to PLAY. He flicks a switch and a spotlight goes on. He sings and dances. (CONTINUED) 102. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH (to tune of 'Ol' MacDonald) 'Rainbow Randolph is the man. Yes he, yes he, is. He's the Prez of Rainbowland. Yes he, yes he, is. With some fun, fun here, and a laugh, laugh there. Here a dance, there a song, Everything is fun, fun. Rainbow Randolph is the King, the King of Rainbowland!' Randolph takes another drink from the vodka bottle. Sheldon suddenly lunges at Randolph and tries to grab the gun. Randolph shrieks. The two men wrestle on the floor, but Randolph is not much of a fighter. He screams as Sheldon rolls him toward the fireplace. SHELDON Is this what you want? A Hansel and Gretel ending?! You want to be the big bad wolf? RANDOLPH Stop! It's too hot! The heat! It's driving me mad! Randolph rolls Sheldon to the bottom. Nora reaches for a fireplace poker and whacks Randolph with it. Randolph cries out and drops the gun. Sheldon grabs it and points it at Randolph who lies on the floor, blubbering like a child. He's bleeding. RANDOLPH Go ahead, kill me! Finish me off. My life's over anyway. Everything I touch turns to shit. Put me out of my misery. Sheldon slowly takes the gun away from Randolph's head. SHELDON You're not nothing. You're bitter, misguided and I'm guessing a raging alcoholic, but you're still Rainbow Randolph. Despite everything that's happened, you once made children happy. Randolph sits up and looks at Sheldon through watery eyes. (CONTINUED) 103. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Would you be my friend? SHELDON Sure. RANDOLPH (to Nora) You too? NORA I guess. RANDOLPH Sorry about the brood mare stuff. Randolph throws his arms around Sheldon and cries into his shoulder. Sheldon pats his back. He glances down at Randolph's gun and sees that it's a toy. Nora pours vodka onto a small pillow she's taken from one of the chairs. She kneels next to Randolph and blots the gash on his head with the vodka soaked pillow. Randolph lets out a blood curdling scream. INT. SHELDON'S FOYER - TIGHT ON REVOLVER - SHORT WHILE LATER being loaded. WIDER Sheldon loads his gun as Randolph is curled up on the couch like a little puppy. Nora hands him a cup of tea. RANDOLPH (a pitiful child) Thank you. She walks over to Sheldon. NORA (re: gun) What are you doing? Sheldon continues to load the gun. (CONTINUED) 104. CONTINUED: SHELDON Just making the playing field even. I'm tired of running this race with one leg. NORA You're letting them drag you down to their level. RANDOLPH (from couch) She's right, Sheldon. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Keep your dignity intact. He accidentally spills some hot tea on himself. RANDOLPH Son-of-a-bitch! SHELDON I appreciate everyone's concern, but I can take care of myself. Nora and Randolph look at each other. RANDOLPH (mouthing to Nora) I tried. Sheldon stuffs some extra bullets in his pocket. SHELDON (to Randolph) Okay, buddy, we have to get down to the Garden. You're welcome to stay here as long as you like. Just don't leave until I get things squared away. Randolph gets up and walks over to him. RANDOLPH Be careful, Sheldon. Remember what I told you -- you've only scratched the surface of this scummy business. You have yet to strike oil. Randolph looks at him for a moment before turning to Nora. (CONTINUED) 105. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH You're lucky to have a guy like Smoochy. NORA You just rest, Randolph. RANDOLPH He's the real thing. Smoochy's the real thing. And I've been a fraud. A wicked man doing wicked acts. Sheldon slaps the cylinder into place and tucks the gun in his waistband. SHELDON Well, we all have our bad days. He exits. INT. HAWAII KAI - LATER THAT EVENING A hula dancer performs on a tiny stage in the nightclub. A small Hawaiian string band plays behind her. Burke and a nervous-looking Stokes sit in a booth. STOKES Things are getting out of hand. We have to cover our tracks. BURKE Relax, everything's gonna work out. STOKES Relax? They found Merv Green's head on the Grand Concourse! Excuse my concern. BURKE Look, we can cover all the tracks we want, but in the end we still got the same problem. We gotta finish what we started. STOKES God help us... Stokes shakily takes a sip of his drink. (CONTINUED) 106. CONTINUED: BURKE It'll all be over tonight. Buggy's gonna take care of everything. STOKES Buggy? Buggy Ding-Dong? The guy who hosted 'Buggy's Bumpy Railroad'? STOKES Yeah, until he discovered the joys of Turkish black mule heroin. For the right price he'll do anything. It's amazing the guy's still alive. Stokes buries his head in his hands. STOKES I don't know, Burke... this whole thing... A shadow falls across their table. Burke looks up. BURKE Speak of the devil. Have a seat, Bug. Buggy Ding-Dong's hand ENTERS the FRAME and snubs out his Camel. Stokes looks up. STOKES (attempting to sound cheerful) Buggy. You're looking good. ANGLE ON BUGGY A man who looks like he would first kill you then eat you for dinner, slides into the booth next to Stokes. BURKE It's time we put this thing to rest, Frank. And the way I see it... the rhino's up past his bedtime. Burke hands a folded envelope to Buggy who puts it into his jacket pocket. He lights another Camel. 107. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - AERIAL SHOT - EVENING "SMOOCH ON ICE -- SOLD OUT!" flashes on the electronic marquee. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Men, women and children flood in through the turnstiles. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Ushers, costumed as Rhinettes, help people to their seats. People mull about the concession stands which are adorned with signs that read: "Complimentary Apple Slices!" "Have a Salt-Free Pretzel!" "Enjoy a Soy Dog on Smoochy!" "Fresh Squeezed O.J. -- Have a Glass!" "Sugar Free Brownies -- They're Not as Bad as they Sound!" "Free! Everything is Free!" "Keep Your Wallet in Your Pocket!" "Friendship is More Important than Money!" INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Angelo's place looks like a cyclone hit it. Angelo works free from the ropes that have bound his wrists. He has been hit over the head and is groggy as he reaches for the phone. INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION A freshly showered Randolph is wearing Sheldon's robe and has a pink towel wrapped around his head as he lounges on the living room sofa. He's eating grapes and reading National Geographic. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up. RANDOLPH (sing-songy) Hellooo! We GO TO a SPLIT-SCREEN with Angelo. ANGELO Randy, is that you? (CONTINUED) 108. CONTINUED: RANDOLPH Yes, Angelo, my little Twinkie, shouldn't you be getting ready for the big show? ANGELO Listen, Buggy's been here. RANDOLPH Buggy Double D's? The Dong Man? ANGELO Yeah, he lifted my backstage pass and he's braggin' that he's doing some kind of job for Burke Bennett. Randolph thinks. He suddenly looks very worried. RANDOLPH Sheldon's in trouble. I gotta get down to the Garden. ANGELO The place is crawling with cops. They'll jump on you like a trampoline. RANDOLPH I don't care. He rips the towel from his head. RANDOLPH I have to warn the rhino. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - BASEMENT Buggy, in his ill-fitting Rhinette costume, emerges from the sub-basement carrying a thin suitcase. As far as anyone's concerned, he's just another usher. He heads for the stairwell. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Every seat in the arena is occupied. The lights are lowered. A slow rolling TYMPANY is heard. After a moment, the Rhinettes skate out to enthusiastic applause. 109. BACKSTAGE Sheldon, looking very intense, stands alone in the wings. He takes a couple of deep breaths. We TILT DOWN and see the bulge of the revolver under his Smoochy costume. ICE RINK The Rhinettes have formed a line across the middle of the rink. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now... it gives us great pleasure to introduce America's favorite rhino... ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls... (dramatic pause) Heeeeere's Smoochy! Smoochy skates out to thunderous applause. The entire arena is on its feet. The Rhinettes part as Smoochy skates through them and stops in the middle of the rink. The applause and cheering don't stop for several moments. One of the Rhinettes hands Smoochy a microphone. SMOOCHY On behalf of myself, the Rhinettes, and the soon to be restored Coney Island Methadone Center, I thank you all for coming. NETWORK BOX Burke and Stokes roll their eyes. BACK ON SHELDON SMOOCHY It was my original intention that tonight's performance would be a benign mix of Smoochy songs and ice dancing. But as an artist, I believe I must convey to you, my fans, what I'm feeling at any given moment in my life. To do otherwise would be dishonest. Art is communication. It's something we learn and hopefully grow from. With that in mind... I hope you enjoy the show. (CONTINUED) 110. CONTINUED: More applause as Smoochy skates over to the Rhinettes. They form a circle around him and slap hands in solidarity. SHELDON This is for Spinner. The lights go down. A full orchestra begins to play the overture to WAGNER's Tristen et Isolde. The lights come up as a soprano -- a heavyset woman in a modified rhino costume -- skates out through the fog and begins singing the opera. Smoochy -- now wearing a peasant's frock -- skates an interpretive dance in the b.g. with a few Rhinettes who are also dressed as peasants. A beautiful fairy princess floats down (on filament wire) from the rafters and takes Smoochy's hand. She skates away with him as he waves good-bye to the Rhinettes. HIGH ANGLE LOOKING DOWN AT the opera. The CAMERA PANS OVER TO the catwalk high above the rink. CATWALK Buggy Ding-Dong, still in his Rhinette costume, settles into his assassin's roost. He begins to assemble the rifle and check the scope. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - FEW MINUTES LATER Randolph emerges from a cab and runs through the crowd outside the Garden. A few people recognize him. MAN It's Rainbow Randolph! Someone stop him! Randolph finds a side exit and slips into the arena. INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - FEW MINUTES LATER The "Opera on Ice" continues. The soprano continues singing as Smoochy reenacts the incidents of his recent life. The fairy princess brings Smoochy to a room with a gleaming white desk. Smoochy takes a seat behind the desk. The fairy princess places a crown on his head, bids him good-bye, and floats away. Smoochy sits proudly in his new world. (CONTINUED) 111. CONTINUED: Suddenly, Rhinettes dressed as devils glide in and skate in a circle around the desk. They throw money at Smoochy. He jumps up and skates away, but the Rhinette devils pursue him with daggers. The music from the orchestra intensifies as the drama plays out. NETWORK BOX Nora continues to watch the opera, totally entranced. Stokes and Burke look a little on edge. Burke glances at his watch. CATWALK Buggy finishes loading the rifle. He shines the barrel with his sleeve and looks through the scope as Smoochy and company continue to perform below. POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE Atmospheric fog created by the smoke machine is so thick that Buggy has difficulty FINDING Sheldon THROUGH the cross-hairs. Occasionally, Smoochy skates through a hole in the clouds only to disappear again. BUGGY CURSES in frustration. ARENA Randolph pushes his way past Garden security and runs toward the rink. Several cops working the event spot him. A few spectators scream in horror. ICE RINK The soprano's mournful aria reaches its crescendo as Smoochy is now pursued by Rhinettes dressed as Nazis. They hold signs with words like "SCANDAL" and "SHAME." Smoochy skates to a section of the rink resembling Chinatown where he lands over a fallen "Moochy." He cradles Moochy's head in his arms as the Nazis glide past him and disappear into the fog. NETWORK BOX Nora wipes a tear from her eye as she watches the tragedy play out. Burke and Stokes glance skyward. Nora notices this. 112. RINK'S EDGE Randolph reaches the rink as cops push their way toward him. RANDOLPH Sheldon!!! But Sheldon can't hear over the orchestra. The soprano hits a high note. CATWALK Buggy aims the rifle. POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE Smoochy glides THROUGH the cross-hairs followed by a Rhinette. TIGHT ON BUGGY'S FINGER as he quickly squeezes off a SHOT. RINK The MUFFLED sound of GUNSHOT is absorbed by the intense music. A wounded Rhinette falls to the ice, but no one notices. Smoochy, oblivious, continues to skate toward the "gates of heaven" with the angel Moochy. Giant white gates slowly swing open at the rink's far end as floating angels open their arms to welcome Moochy. OUTER RINK Randolph runs around the rink's perimeter, trying to get Sheldon's attention. Cops and security push their way towards Randolph. He suddenly notices the felled Rhinette on the ice and looks skyward. He can make out a rifle barrel protruding from the catwalk. NETWORK BOX Stokes and Burke notice a commotion in the audience. They now see Randolph running through the crowd on his way to the stairwell. (CONTINUED) 113. CONTINUED: STOKES (whispering to Burke) What's he doing here?! He's going to screw everything up! Nora notices the distressed look on their faces and follows their gaze to the rafters. She now sees the rifle barrel. ANGLE - NORA jumps to her feet. FAST PUSH IN TO Nora's mouth. NORA (screaming) Sheldon!!! She starts to climb out of the box but Burke stops her. BURKE Nora... NORA You're in on this, aren't you! You sold him out! You fucking snake! Stokes tries to put his arm around her. STOKES Nora, please. It's not what you think. I'm grooming you. You're going to run the division one day... She pushes him. He goes down hard. She starts to climb out of the box. Burke tries to grab her, but she spins around and punches him. She runs for the rink. Stokes stands in the box looking dumbstruck as pande- monium plays out around him. People are running in all directions, cops are everywhere. STOKES (frightened; to Burke) What now? What do we do now?! BURKE Survival of the fittest! Burke runs off through the panicked crowd. Stokes looks around and heads off in the opposite direction. 114. OUTSIDE RINK Tommy and her boys notice the commotion in the audience. They see cops pursuing someone. They realize it's Randolph. Tommy, Jimmy and Sammy take off after him. CATWALK Buggy, in position again, looks through the rifle scope. POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE As the soprano reaches for an impossibly high note, the fog dissipates slightly and Smoochy's foam rubber head COMES perfectly INTO VIEW. BUGGY smiles. RINK'S EDGE Nora screams. NORA Sheldon!!! Get down!!! CLOSE ON BUGGY'S FINGER He's about to squeeze the trigger. CATWALK Randolph reaches the catwalk as the orchestra plays a dramatic series of smashing notes. He tackles Buggy just as he squeezes off the SHOT. RINK The top of Smoochy's foam rubber head is blown off. In SLOW MOTION, Smoochy's tattered horn sails through the air and lands softly on the ice. WIDE Everyone in the arena screams and heads for the exits. It's pandemonium. Thanks to Randolph, Buggy's shot was too high and just missed Sheldon's skull. (CONTINUED) 115. CONTINUED: A confused Sheldon bends over to pick up a chunk of the Smoochy head. Nora, who's entered at the opposite end of the rink, tries to reach him, but it's impossible. Panicked audience members run across the rink, heading for the exits. It's chaos. People slip, Rhinettes get trampled. CATWALK Randolph tries to get the rifle away from Buggy. They struggle on a narrow beam high above the rink. The cops have reached the outer edge of the catwalk now. Tommy and the boys get there a second later. They all stand back -- the catwalk is too unstable. RANDOLPH Give me that gun, you fucking wacked-out freak! Buggy manages to shove Randolph off him. He raises the RIFLE and SHOOTS at the cops. Randolph grabs him. Both he and Buggy lose their footing and slip from the catwalk. Randolph is able to grab onto the edge and hold on. Buggy clutches Randolph's leg which threatens to bring them both down. They dangle 80 feet above the rink. Randolph desperately tries to hold onto the catwalk as Buggy clings to Randolph's ankle. CLOSE ON RANDOLPH'S FINGERS His knuckles turn white as his fingers start to slip from the beam. ANGLE ON BUGGY Still clutching Randolph's ankle, he starts to lose his grip. He desperately grabs Randolph's foot, but Randolph's shoe slips off and Buggy begins his long plunge to the next life. INT. RINK - HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT Buggy screams the whole way down, still holding onto Randolph's shoe. RINK Buggy crashes into the middle of the rink, cob-webbing the ice around him. 116. CATWALK Tommy and his boys runs off to find Sheldon. The COPS help Randolph off the catwalk. He's a nervous wreck. COP #1 You okay? RANDOLPH I don't know. I'm kind of fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge. They pat the dazed Randolph on the back. He passes out. RINK People continue to run through the rink. Felled Rhinettes litter the ice like broken dolls. Smoke fills the air. Sheldon is helping a random woman to her feet as Nora finally reaches him. She embraces him. NORA Burke's with Stokes. He's been in it all along. Sheldon looks toward the network box. Beyond it, through the smoke, he sees Burke shoving his way through people who jam the exit trying to escape. Sheldon reaches into his costume and pulls out his gun. NORA No, Sheldon, don't! Sheldon runs off leaving Nora. EXIT Burke is almost through the cluster of people. He glances over his shoulder and sees Sheldon heading toward him. He shoves even harder now and finally gets through. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Burke makes a run for it down 33rd Street. A moment later, Sheldon emerges from the building. He sees Burke in the distance and takes off after him. He's still in his skates and wearing the partially-blown-off Smoochy head. 117. FURTHER DOWN STREET Burke looks behind and sees the nightmarish image of a disfigured Smoochy chasing after him. He quickly rounds the corner. EXT. STREET A few moments later Sheldon rounds the corner. He looks down the street and sees no sign of Burke. He notices an alley by an abandoned building. EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon walks slowly into the alley, gun drawn. Suddenly, Burke jumps out from behind some boxes. He whacks Sheldon's head with a garbage can lid. The gun goes flying. Burke goes for it, but Sheldon is quickly on his feet and pounces on him. The two men fight it out. Burke manages to get on top of Sheldon and starts to strangle him. BURKE You fucking point a gun at me? A gun I gave you as a gift?! Where's your fucking etiquette? Just as Sheldon begins to lose consciousness, we hear a GUNSHOT. Burke looks up. Nora stands there, pointing Sheldon's gun directly at him. NORA Let him go. Burke just looks at her. NORA Now. Before I pump one in that Grecian Formula scalp of yours. Burke smirks as he releases Sheldon. Sheldon jumps up and takes the gun from Nora. He shakily points it at Burke. BURKE You know something, kid? You've turned out to be an incredible pain in the ass. Burke slowly stands up, brushing off his suit. SHELDON You were behind the Spinner hit, weren't you? (CONTINUED) 118. CONTINUED: BURKE That was a tragic mistake. (shakes head sadly) If only one could turn back time... (beat) But what the hell, it's just one less mick in the world. He laughs. NORA You son-of-a-bitch. Sheldon cocks the gun. BURKE Oh my. What are you gonna do? Kill me? That wouldn't be very Smoochy-like behavior. SHELDON You're right. There's just one thing... Sheldon tears off the remains of his tattered costume and steps out of it. SHELDON I'm not Smoochy. Sheldon is shaking as he extends the gun to Burke's head. SHELDON I finally realized we're living in a different jungle. Burke suddenly looks fearful, as does Nora. NORA No, Sheldon. Sheldon closes his eyes as he tries to summon up the courage to pull the trigger. NORA Sheldon! Suddenly, there's a voice from behind. VOICE (O.S.) Don't do it, Shel. Sheldon turns around. It's Tommy and her boys. (CONTINUED) 119. CONTINUED: SHELDON (sternly) Stay out of it, Tommy. This is my business. Tommy walks closer to Sheldon. TOMMY No more killin', Shel. Enough's enough. Don't destroy who you are for this piece of shit. You mean something to the kids. Don't take Smoochy away from the kids. Tommy extends her hand for the gun. Sheldon looks down at the gun. He can't believe he's even holding it. He hands it to Tommy. SHELDON I don't know how I got pushed this far. TOMMY You're only human, Shel. The important thing is... you never went over the cliff. You're a good boy. For some of us... it's too late. Tommy pats Sheldon's shoulder affectionately. TOMMY We'll take it from here, kid, you run along with your girl. Get on with your life. Sheldon looks over at Burke, who's petrified. SHELDON Tommy, you're not going to -- TOMMY Don't worry. Sometimes even a rat deserves a little mercy. Sheldon and Nora take a final look at Burke before walking out of the alley. Burke is wide-eyed with fear as Tommy's boys advance on him. Just as they round the corner there is the sound of TWO GUNSHOTS. Sheldon looks at Nora. NORA Bus backfire. She pats him on the back. 120. EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Stokes finally makes it out of the arena. He runs toward his waiting limo and hops in the back seat. He barks to his driver through the glass partition. STOKES Get out of here! The car doesn't move. Stokes pounds on the partition. STOKES Move this thing! No response. Stokes frantically pushes the button that lowers the partition. It slides down. STOKES Are you deaf?! I said -- The driver turns around. Stokes recoils in horror. It's Takashi. He smiles as the back doors open and the Japanese thugs -- Chick, Sambo and Tobi -- pile in with Stokes. They slam the doors shut. CHICK I wish I could tell you it'll be quick and painless, Frank, but you know how these things go... Stokes lets out a small whimper. Chick nods to Takashi who steps on the gas as he sings "Anything Goes" in Japanese. EXT. TH AVENUE - CONTINUOUS ACTION The car heads into the night, passing Sheldon and Nora, who have exited the alley. This will be Frank Stokes' final limo ride. EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION Sheldon and Nora pause on the street. Sheldon looks around him. SHELDON You know, a little grime here and there doesn't change the fact... it's still a beautiful city. He looks at Nora. (CONTINUED) 121. CONTINUED: NORA Let's go home, Smoochy. Show's over. Sheldon gazes back at her. SHELDON No it's not. It's just beginning. They kiss passionately as MUSIC SWELLS and the CAMERA CRANES HIGH ABOVE the rink. FADE OUT. FADE UP ON: INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ONE YEAR LATER SUPERIMPOSE: ONE YEAR LATER The Garden is sold out. The lights go down. Through the P.A. we hear... ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now... it gives us great pleasure to introduce America's favorite rhino... ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls... There's a dramatic pause; TYMPANY ROLL. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Heeeeeere's Smoochy! Smoochy skates out to thunderous applause. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) With his partner and comrade... the one, the only... Rainbow Randolph! Randolph skates out, somewhat shakily, to huge applause. Sheldon puts his arm around him. The audience is now on their feet. Randolph especially basks in the adulation. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) All proceeds from tonight's performance, will benefit the Rainbow Randolph Center for Alcoholism and Delusional Behavior. (CONTINUED) 122. CONTINUED: Sheldon pats Randolph on the back. MUSIC BEGINS as Rhinettes and Krinkle Kids skate out. The show starts and the audience goes wild. Nora smiles from the stands as Smoochy and the others glide across the ice. (SMOOCHY /RANDOLPH DUET TO COME.) FADE OUT. THE END

THE DESCENDANTS Written by Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon & Jim Rash 1 EXT. THE OCEAN - DAY 1 CLOSE ON a beautiful 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN at the helm of a powerful SPEEDBOAT -- her hair tossed back by the wind, her mouth in a euphoric grin. FADE OUT. 2 CREDITS -- ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE 2 MATT (V.O.) My missionary ancestors came to the islands and told the Hawaiians to put on clothes, work hard, believe in Christ, and stop surfing and hula dancing. They made business deals along the way -- buying an island, or marrying a princess and inheriting her land. Now their descendants wear bikinis and running shorts, play beach volleyball and surf, and take up hula dancing. Hawai'i has always been a place of contradiction. 3 EXT. HONOLULU - DAY 3 VARIOUS SHOTS of Honolulu begin a pattern of montages to be interspersed throughout the film. MATT (V.O.) My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawai'i, I live in paradise. Like a permanent vacation -- we're all just out here drinking mai- tais, shaking our hips, and catching waves. Are they nuts? How can they possibly think our families are less screwed up, our heart attacks and cancers less fatal, our grief less devastating? Hell, I haven't been on a surfboard in fifteen years. 4 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 4 We ZOOM BACK from a panorama of Honolulu to find 50-year-old MATT KING seated amid DOCUMENTS atop a makeshift desk -- he has brought his work with him. (CONTINUED) 2. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 4 CONTINUED: 4 MATT (V.O.) For the last 23 days, I've been living in a "paradise" of IVs and urine bags and endotracheal tubes and six-month- old US magazines. Paradise. Paradise can go fuck itself. Matt looks up at the WOMAN we saw in the speedboat, now lying stiffly on an upright HOSPITAL BED, her head cocked to one side, a feeding tube in her nose, a ventilator in her trachea, IVs in her arm. MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) This is Elizabeth King, my wife. Twenty-three days ago she was launched from a powerboat during a race and hit her head, almost drowned. Now she's in a coma that scores 5 on the Glasgow scale and 3 on the Rancho Los Amigos scale, scores showing an extremely severe coma. Liz is very competitive. Whatever she does, she does to the fullest. 5 INT. NEUROLOGIST'S OFFICE - DAY 5 Matt is getting the current DIAGNOSIS. NEUROLOGIST She reacts non-purposefully to stimuli in a non-specific manner, but occasionally her responses are specific, though inconsistent. Her reflexes are primitive and often the same, regardless of stimuli presented... MATT (V.O.) It was exactly what Elizabeth used to accuse me of. 6 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 6 Matt continues to observe her. MATT (V.O.) Twenty-three days in a coma, and any day now the doctors will give me their final verdict if she's going to come out of it or not. Then I have a decision to make. Wait, that's wrong. Liz has a living will. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 3. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 6 CONTINUED: 6 MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) Like always, she makes her own decisions. But I know she's going to pull through. His CELLPHONE RINGS. MATT (CONT'D) Hi, Noe, what's up? NOE (ON PHONE) Matt, you have a call from Scottie's teacher. She says it's urgent. MATT Yeah, sure. Put her on. 7 INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY 7 A SCRAPBOOK shows PHOTOS OF ELIZABETH lying in her hospital bed. The compositions are odd, the ANGLES uncomfortably CLOSE. WIDE -- Matt confers with fifth-grade teacher MS. Hayashi and school counselor MRS. THULL. MS. HAYASHI We just don't think these photographs are appropriate for Scottie to be sharing with her classmates. Some of them went home quite disturbed, and we got some angry calls from parents. MATT Yeah, she's sort of been going to town with the whole picture-taking thing, but I had no idea -- MS. HAYASHI I can't tell you how my heart goes out to you and your family, but Scottie just hasn't been herself. Principal Cruz agrees with us that it maybe would be better for Scottie to remain at home with you during this difficult time. MATT Home. See, I would think that sticking to her normal routine would be the best thing for her -- you know, keep her occupied. I wouldn't really know how to... (MORE) (CONTINUED) 4. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 7 CONTINUED: 7 MATT (CONT'D) I mean, I've kind of got my hands full. And her sister's away at school on the Big Island. I don't think Scottie would really want to hang out with me when she could be with her friends and people like you who specialize in children. MRS. THULL Mr. King, we see this every day -- children acting out at school when something's wrong at home. And your family is facing a devastating crisis. Have you been engaging Scottie in really talking about what's going on? Encouraging her to express her feelings? That's crucial. MATT (No) Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. SCOTTIE (O.S.) (singing) This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s. This shit is bananas. They look over to see -- TEN-YEAR-OLD SCOTTIE KING -- EARBUDS in place and in her own world, DANCING just outside the classroom door. A JANITOR down the hall eyes her suspiciously. SCOTTIE (CONT'D) This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s! Matt stares aghast at this specimen called his daughter. The ladies glance between Scottie and Matt, wondering when, or whether, he'll intervene. Finally -- MS. HAYASHI Scottie, that is not a good choice! Are you making a good choice? Scottie remains oblivious. Ms. Hayashi rises to her feet. MATT (realizing) Yeah, Scottie, come on. Knock it off. 5. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 8 EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY 8 Matt leads Scottie to the car. MATT What's the matter with you? Showing those pictures of Mom for your art project? SCOTTIE I'm a photographer, Dad, a real photographer. MATT No, you're not. You're overdoing it is what you're doing. SCOTTIE I saw it in a book. Some famous photographer lady took pictures of her mom in the hospital while she was dying, and they're considered art. That's what I'm doing. MATT First of all, your mother's very sick, but she's not dying. Second, you don't share personal stuff like that with strangers. What's going on with Mom is private. SCOTTIE I'm hungry. Can we get burgers? MATT No. SCOTTIE Can we get smoothies? MATT No. As Scottie continues -- MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) The last time I took care of Scottie by myself was when she was one. Now she's ten, and I have no idea what goes on inside her head. She's insane. And with Elizabeth in the hospital, I think she's testing me. I'm the backup parent. The understudy. 6. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 9 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 9 FLASH! Scottie takes Elizabeth's picture again. MATT I wish you'd stop doing that. And rather than taking her picture all the time, you should talk to her. I'm tired of asking you. You heard Dr. Johnston -- people in a coma can hear you -- you know, well, some of them can. It lets them know they're still loved, might even help them wake up sooner. And it'll help you express whatever feelings and emotions you're supposed to be going through -- you know, make you feel better. SCOTTIE I don't know what to say. MATT Tell her a story. SCOTTIE I don't have a story. MATT Tell her anything. Tell her what's been going on in school. SCOTTIE She never cares about that. MATT I don't believe that. What about after school? She's always driving you around the island. You know, gymnastics? Soccer? SCOTTIE I don't do those things anymore. MATT Ballet? Piano? Hula? SCOTTIE Nope. MATT If you're not going to say anything to your mother, we might as well leave. (CONTINUED) 7. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 9 CONTINUED: 9 SCOTTIE Okay. Let's go. MATT How about this? Write her a letter. SCOTTIE What would I write? MATT I don't know. "Get well. Wake up. I love you. Don't leave me alone with my idiot Dad." SCOTTIE How's she going to read it? She's in a coma. MATT Goddammit, Scottie, stop fighting me on everything. SCOTTIE But it doesn't make any sense. MATT You know what your mother is hearing right now? You refusing to talk to her. Is that what you want? SCOTTIE I'm starving. And I'm thirsty. I want a soda. He takes Scottie by the hand and sits her down in a chair next to the bed. MATT We're not leaving until you talk to her. I'll even give you privacy. Recite her the alphabet for all I care. What do you want to drink? SCOTTIE Sprite. MATT OK, Sprite. Diet Sprite? SCOTTIE Not diet. Regular. Do you think I'm fat? (CONTINUED) 8. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 9 CONTINUED: (2) 9 MATT No, you're not fat. SCOTTIE I'm not the model. MATT It's just that all that sugar makes you cranky. SCOTTIE I'm not cranky! MATT Okay. I'll be right back. Talk. 10 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 10 As Matt steps out into the hallway, he passes NURSE JOY. NURSE JOY Mr. King, how are you? MATT Fine, Joy, fine. And you? NURSE JOY I see your picture in the paper today. Have you made your decision yet? MATT My decision? NURSE JOY Your family. About your big land. The other NURSE nudges Joy to be more polite. NURSE JOY (CONT'D) What? Me and Mr. King, we're like this. MATT Well, it's not really my decision. It's my whole family's decision. And furthermore... (mock scolding) ... mind your own business, young lady. As he turns away to continue down the hall -- (CONTINUED) 9. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 10 CONTINUED: 10 MATT (V.O) (CONT'D) The whole goddamned state is following my decision on who's going to buy 35,000 acres on Kaua'i my family has owned since the 1860s. My cousins and I meet in six days to approve a buyer. Ever since my father died nine years ago, I'm the sole trustee, the controlling trustee, so I hold all the cards. Why does so much have to depend on me -- my wife, my daughters, my family's land? I just want to hide. 11 INT. HOSPITAL GIFT SHOP - DAY 11 A POSTCARD shows a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL in a bikini straddling a surfboard, laughing as she's splashed. Barely containing his rage, Matt stares at postcard before grabbing ALL THE POSTCARDS in that rack. AT THE COUNTER -- About to pay for the postcards and two SODAS, Matt notices a HEADLINE atop a stack of NEWSPAPERS: "Activists Continue Protest of Kaua'i Sale." SHOPKEEPER Hey, they all the same cards. You like buy all the same cards? MATT These are inappropriate for a hospital gift shop. This girl is underage. Why do you sell postcards like this? This is a hospital. These aren't get-well cards. The SHOPKEEPER blinks at the man weirdly accosting her. SHOPKEEPER You like buy all the cards? Or you want I put them back? MATT (pulling out his wallet) Never mind. Yes, I'm buying them. And these two sodas. As she rings him up -- (CONTINUED) 10. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 11 CONTINUED: 11 SHOPKEEPER Okay, you buy underage girl all for yourself. In the lobby just outside the store, he drops the stack of postcards into the GARBAGE. 12 INT. HOSPITAL STAIRWAY - DAY 12 Forgoing the elevator -- perhaps to squeeze in a little exercise -- Matt trudges upstairs. MATT (V.O.) Elizabeth's going to make it out okay. I know it. It's not her time yet. She'll wake up, Scottie and Alexandra will have their mother back, and we'll talk about our marriage. I'll sell the land and quit my practice and buy her whatever she wants -- a big boat, a house in France, a trip around the world, just the two of us. We'll get close again, like the early days. It's still in us. It must be. 13 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 13 Approaching the door, Matt hears LAUGHTER from inside. 14 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 14 Matt enters to find Scottie on a sofa in the corner GIGGLING and TEXTING. MATT Scottie, what are you doing? SCOTTIE I'm hungry. Can we go? MATT You didn't talk to her, did you? SCOTTIE Yes, I did. MATT What did you tell her? SCOTTIE It's private. (CONTINUED) 11. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 14 CONTINUED: 14 MATT You're lying. And Jesus Christ, enough with the goddamn texting! Give me that phone! Give it here! Scottie fights him as he snatches her phone away. MATT (CONT'D) Jesus, Scottie. Okay, you win. Let's go. Scottie springs up out of the sofa. MATT (CONT'D) At least say goodbye. SCOTTIE Bye, Mom! Scottie bolts out the door. Matt takes a last look at Liz, panic and sadness rippling across his face. MATT (V.O.) My wife -- the sportswoman, the model, the drinker. MATT (CONT'D) Would you please wake up already? I need you. I can't do this alone. 15 EXT. BRIEF MONTAGE - DAY 15 Images lead us up the PALI HIGHWAY and into the lush old neighborhood of NU'UANU. 16 EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 16 This STATELY OLD HOUSE shows signs of neglect but feels impressive and welcoming nonetheless. MATT (O.S.) Is this Barb Higgins? BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Yes, it is. MATT (O.S.) Hi, Matt King returning your call. I assume your daughter is a classmate of my daughter's. (CONTINUED) 12. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 16 CONTINUED: 16 BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Yes, Lani is a classmate of Scottie's, yes. 17 INT. KING HOUSE - DAY 17 As Matt speaks on the PHONE, he wanders out of his cluttered HOME OFFICE and into the DINING ROOM. MATT How can I help you? BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Let's see, where to start? It's Scottie. She's been texting some awful things to Lani, and I'd like her to stop. MATT For instance. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Here's the latest one. "We all know you grew pubes over the summer." She sends little messages like that for no reason. She even wrote it on Lani's Facebook wall. MATT Huh. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) She calls my daughter Lanikai, implying she's like the size of an entire neighborhood. Do you think that's nice? MATT That's not like her at all. She's usually very sweet. He glances out the window at Scottie, who sits on the ground, back turned, POUNDING something with a BIG ROCK. MATT (CONT'D) As you may know, her mother isn't well, and maybe this is how she's dealing with it. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) I don't care about the backstory, Mr. King. My daughter comes home from school in tears. (CONTINUED) 13. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 17 CONTINUED: 17 MATT Yeah, no, I get it. I'm very sorry. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) Scottie should be the one who's sorry. I want her to come over and apologize to Lani, and I don't ever want her to write to my daughter again. LANI (DISTANT O.S.) She can in a good way. BARB HIGGINS (O.S.) If she doesn't apologize, I'm going to tell the headmaster. You can't buy your way out of this. Matt draws a long exasperated breath, as if everything else weren't enough already. MATT (V.O.) See what I mean? Everybody sees me as the rich guy, the inheritor. People resent us. I resent us. Even our last name -- King. How irritating. 18 INT. MATT'S CAR - DAY 18 Matt drives Scottie. MATT You need to say you're sorry, and you need to mean it. No dicking around. I have a ton of work to do tonight. Do you have any idea how behind I am? You made her cry. Why would you want to be so mean to someone? SCOTTIE (irritated) I don't know! MATT Is that what you text all the time, nasty things? SCOTTIE No. MATT Well, what then? (CONTINUED) 14. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 18 CONTINUED: 18 SCOTTIE I write them with Reina. They make her laugh, and then she shows Megan and Brooke, and they laugh too. MATT I should have known Reina had something to do with it. I don't want you hanging out with her. SCOTTIE Wait, I told Reina she could visit me in the hospital since I'm not in school anymore. Can she? MATT We'll make a deal. You apologize to this girl, and you talk to your mother, and then we'll see about Reina dropping by the hospital. Okay? Something outside the window catches Scottie's attention. SCOTTIE Dorks! Matt looks to see -- SIX FAMILY MEMBERS, walking on the sidewalk with KAYAKS, wearing T-SHIRTS reading "Melnick Family Reunion." SCOTTIE (CONT'D) Dorks! MATT Scottie, knock it off! Scottie sits back in her seat, laughing. Matt glances in his rearview mirror to see a TEENAGE SON taking off his T-shirt and throwing it to the ground. 19 EXT. LANI'S HOUSE - KAIMUKI - LATE AFTERNOON 19 The car drives down a block of MODEST HOMES. SCOTTIE Her house is down there on the corner. MATT You've been here before? (CONTINUED) 15. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 19 CONTINUED: 19 SCOTTIE Yea-uh. She invites me to her birthday, like, every year. MATT So you guys are actually friends? SCOTTIE Until last year's party, when she locked me out of the house and I had to sit outside all day while everybody was inside. She thought she was so great, but then I became friends with Reina and Brooke and got popular. MATT (processing) What? 20 EXT. LANI'S FRONT PORCH - LATE AFTERNOON 20 BARB HIGGINS answers the door. BARB HIGGINS Thank you for coming by. 21 INT. LANI'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 21 As Matt and Scottie are shown inside, they remove their shoes. BARB HIGGINS I forgot to mention the time Scottie said she didn't want to be Lani's partner at the rock wall because she didn't want to fall into my daughter's butt crack. That doesn't even make sense. Barb now leads them into -- THE TV ROOM -- -- where LANI HIGGINS sits on a couch. Matt is impatient to be done with this meaningless task. MATT Scottie, do you have something you want to say to Lani? SCOTTIE Sorry. (CONTINUED) 16. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 21 CONTINUED: 21 LANI It's okay. MATT Great. Well, nice meeting you both. Lani, you should come over sometime. Come for a swim or a hike or something. BARB HIGGINS Scottie, the things you said were simply evil. Do you realize that? I don't know what's led you to be such a nasty young lady. MATT Hey, hey. We came over. She apologized. We're dealing with it. Kids are mean sometimes. They grow out of it. It's a kid thing. Here, Scottie, you're going to stop, right? And you're really, really sorry, right? Scottie makes a big exaggerated nod. BARB HIGGINS I don't think she's sorry at all. She's going to keep doing it. I can tell. MATT No, she won't. It's like the time Lani locked Scottie out of the house at her birthday party and Scottie sat outside by herself. It was a mean thing to do, but Lani here probably did it just to show off, right? Lani thinks a moment, nods. MATT (CONT'D) But I'm not about to declare that one action defines a human being's entire character. She's a work in progress, and like all complex people is a bundle of contradictions. BARB HIGGINS I didn't know about that. SCOTTIE You brought me cake. (CONTINUED) 17. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 21 CONTINUED: (2) 21 MATT You brought her cake. So, I don't know, maybe Lani should be the one to apologize, since this incident may have been the catalyst for all this... "evil" was the word you used. 22 EXT. LANI'S HOUSE - DUSK 22 The door opens, and Matt and Scottie pause to slip their shoes back on. BARB HIGGINS Oh, and Mr. King? MATT Yes? BARB HIGGINS Good luck with the sale. Matt turns to look at her. So that's what all this was about on some level? BARB HIGGINS (CONT'D) They say your decision will have a major impact on Hawai'i's real estate world, not to mention the whole landscape of Kaua'i. Hundreds of millions of dollars, yeah? MATT Big decision. BARB HIGGINS My husband's family is from Kaua'i. Hanapepe, born and bred. They hope you don't sell. MATT You don't say. BARB HIGGINS All the traffic it's going to make. Matt and Scottie walk away. Barb closes the door. MATT Are you going to act different with Lani? (CONTINUED) 18. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 22 CONTINUED: 22 SCOTTIE I'll try, but it's hard. She has a face you just want to hit. MATT Yeah. 23 23 INT. MATT'S STUDY - NIGHT The camera makes its way past PHOTOS of Matt's ancestors, BOOKS of Hawaiian history, other family memorabilia to find Matt at his desk pouring over PAPERS. A clock reads 1:20. MATT (V.O.) My great-great-grandmother was Princess Margaret Ke'alohilani, one of the last direct descendants of King Kamehameha. She was originally supposed to marry her hanai brother, but she fell in love with her haole banker and estate manager, Edward King, whose parents were missionaries. Between his land deals and her huge inheritance, all of their descendants for generations have watched the past unfurl millions into our laps through leases and sales. Now the Rule Against Perpetuities is forcing us to dissolve the trust, and we're selling the last parcel of undeveloped land. Matt looks up, his glance falling on the portraits of Edward and Margaret. MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) Soon my daughters and I can just be normal citizens like everybody else, and these dead people will stop controlling our lives. VERY CLOSE ON MATT -- MATT (V O.) (CONT'D) I just want to be a normal guy. 24 EXT. DOWNTOWN HONOLULU - DAY 24 Establishing -- tall buildings, business people, lunch wagons. 19. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 25 INT. MATT'S LAW OFFICE - DAY 25 Matt eats a SACK LUNCH at his desk. His window has a grand view of DOWNTOWN. We glimpse his Punahou, college and law school DIPLOMAS. MATT (V.O.) Unlike a lot of my cousins, I haven't touched my share of the trust money. Like my father before me, I live only on the income from my law practice. I don't want my daughters growing up entitled and spoiled. And I agree with my father -- you give your children enough money to do something but not enough to do nothing. Matt's secretary NOE cracks open his door. NOE Mr. King, your cousins are here. 26 INT. LAW OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 26 Matt enters the room to find SEVEN COUSINS waiting to greet him. From their casual clothing and shaggy hair, an observer might hardly suspect their status. MATT (V.O.) Not only am I the sole but I'm a commercial real estate and transactional attorney, so the most involved of my cousins have been meeting with me regularly to analyze the bids -- Cousin Dave, Cousin Hal, Cousin Six, Cousin Wink, Cousin Lisa, Cousin Connie and Cousin Stan, both of whom oppose the sale entirely. Don't be fooled by appearances. In Hawai'i some of the most powerful people look like bums and stuntmen. LATER -- Matt and his cousins stand above the conference table, looking at blueprints and architectural drawings. MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) The proposals are virtually the same -- hotels, shopping centers, condos and golf courses. 3000 new jobs in the first five years. Support letters from the construction industry and unions. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 20. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 26 CONTINUED: 26 MATT (V.O.) (CONT'D) A Chicago group is offering half a billion dollars, but we're leaning toward a lower bid from a guy named Don Holitzer. He's actually from Kaua'i and made a fortune in Silicon Valley. Cousin Hugh is pushing us in that direction, and I say why not? CLOSE ON MATT, nodding along but highly distracted, the sound of Liz's VENTILATOR growing louder in his brain. We CUT TO ARTIST'S RENDERINGS of comatose Elizabeth -- wide, closer, closer still, closer. 27 EXT. QUEENS'S HOSPITAL - DAY 27 Establishing. Matt walks inside the front door. 28 INT. FAMILY CONSULTATION ROOM - DAY 28 Matt sits across from old family friend DR. SAM JOHNSTON. DR. JOHNSTON Bad news, Matt. Dr. Chun, Dr. Mueller and I -- we believe her condition, * which we call a multi-factorial anoxic * encephalopathy, is deteriorating. We * see no eye movement, no pupillary * response, basically no brainstem * reflexes whatsoever. The machines * could keep her going, but her quality * of life would be... very poor. * Basically what you see now. She'll never be like she was, Matt. Never. * We know that now. Matt sits very still. DR. JOHNSTON (CONT'D) I can't tell you how sorry I am to have to tell you this. And you have your daughters. There's just nothing we can do. MATT So... if we do go ahead and take her off the machines -- DR. JOHNSTON Not if, Matt. When. I have a legal obligation. You know that. (CONTINUED) 21. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 28 CONTINUED: 28 MATT How long will she last? DR. JOHNSTON Hard to say. Could be a few days. Could be two weeks. But for planning purposes, you should work off the shortest possible scenario. I know I need to get the ball rolling on organ donations right away. Organ donation? Forgot about that one. DR. JOHNSTON (CONT'D) Elizabeth has so many friends, a big life. Last time I was at your house, must have been 200 people. If you're going to let people know to say goodbye, which is fairly typical protocol in these situations, start now. By the time the last day comes, they feel more ready, as ready as they can feel. I'm so sorry, Matt. 29 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 29 His mind spinning, Matt prepares to look at the corpse-to-be. When he opens the door and pulls back the curtain, he finds -- 30 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 30 -- friends MARK AND KAI MITCHELL up for a visit. They're playing MUSIC for Elizabeth on a mini-boombox, and Kai is APPLYING MAKE-UP to Liz's face. After cheery greetings -- MATT What're you doing? KAI Oh, she's been looking a little pale lately all cooped up in here, and I just know she'd be mortified if no one had thought to help her out with some lipstick and blush. I know she'll grill me. Matt and Mark exchange a look -- "Girls." MARK And of course Kai's getting her all caught up on all the latest gossip. (CONTINUED) 22. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 30 CONTINUED: 30 KAI Well, I don't want to have to start from scratch later. Oh, and Matt, on the way here we stopped by and left some more meals in your fridge, all ready to nuke. Matt smiles -- he'd been expecting a grim moment alone with Elizabeth, but instead he finds a room full of warmth and life. Even if it's a little creepy. MARK So what's the latest anyway, Matt? Any updates? MATT No, no. Just more of the same -- monitoring the swelling, keeping her * kidneys and other vitals working, you * know, hoping for the best. Kai nods sympathetically before turning back to Elizabeth. EXTREME CLOSEUP of Liz's lips as Kai applies lipstick. 31 EXT. KALAKAUA AVENUE - DAY 31 JOGGERS go past as Matt's car pulls into the driveway of the OCEAN OUTRIGGER CLUB. 32 EXT. OCEAN OUTRIGGER BEACH - DAY 32 Matt lies on the beach watching Scottie play in the surf with her snorkel mask on. The melancholy he feels makes him regard his weird little daughter with tenderness. SCOTTIE (emerging from the water) I'm hungry! MATT What else is new? Let's get you something to eat. 33 EXT. OCEAN OUTRIGGER RESTAURANT - DAY 33 Scottie pops two last FRIES into her mouth, then turns her attention to a strawberry SUNDAE. Anxious to spoil her, Matt watches Scottie dig in. Yet he remains preoccupied, his smile distant. (CONTINUED) 23. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 33 CONTINUED: 33 SCOTTIE The food here at the club is so good. MATT Yeah, they do a good job here. SCOTTIE Why is it called a jellyfish? It's not a fish, and it's not jelly. MATT No idea. You ask good questions. You're getting too smart for me, Scottie. SCOTTIE I'm going to find out. Then I'm going to ask Mom when she wakes up and see if she knows. Do you think she's going to know everything she used to know? Matt notices a BUFF GUY and some FRIENDS headed to a nearby table, and his mood sours. Scottie follows his gaze. The guy notices the Kings and feels obliged to mosey over. This is TROY COOK -- athletic and rich. TROY Hi, Matt. Hi, Scottie. MATT Troy. TROY (to his friends) I'll catch up to you guys in a second. Matt stares so intensely that Troy averts his gaze. TROY (CONT'D) So, uh, what's going on? I mean, how's Elizabeth doing? MATT Same. TROY I visited her last week, you know. I thought she looked pretty good. MATT So why'd you ask? (CONTINUED) 24. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 33 CONTINUED: (2) 33 TROY I don't know, I just wanted to know the latest. I'm praying for her every day, you guys. Really hard. Seriously. So what I was saying was, when I was there, I talked to her, and her hand moved, so I was pretty encouraged. I thought that was an encouraging sign. Scottie looks up hopefully. Matt notices. MATT That's enough. TROY I really think she heard me. MATT Look, Troy, go to your friends. No hard feelings. Let's just leave it alone. Troy walks away, stops, turns back. TROY I told you, Matt, there were lots of chops and holes that day. I told you a hundred times. Ask anybody. What happened to her could have happened to me. It was a super-hard day on the water. MATT You weren't supposed to be driving, Troy. She was supposed to be driving. TROY She wanted me to drive. And she's the one who told me to pass the other boat right before the turn. And just your whole attitude toward me, Matt -- I mean, I feel terrible. I wish it were me and not her. Plus I almost drowned myself when we capsized. And my rotator cuff is never going to be the same, and I'm going to miss Moloka'i. SCOTTIE Just because her hand moved, it doesn't mean anything, Troy. Mom twitches at weird times. When you cut off a chicken's head, it runs all around, but it's still a dead chicken. (CONTINUED) 25. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 33 CONTINUED: (3) 33 Scottie pushes back from the table and takes off toward the pool. Matt follows, not even gracing Troy with a final look. 34 EXT. OCEAN OUTRIGGER POOL - CONTINUOUS 34 Matt catches up to Scottie. MATT Hey, sport, don't pay any attention to that guy. That guy's a dope. SCOTTIE I hate him. MATT Yeah. SCOTTIE I didn't mean to say dead chicken. I don't want Mom to die. MATT I know, I know. Hey, let's get out of here. Let's go do something crazy. Like let's drive to the airport and hop over to the Big Island and surprise your sister. What do you say? SCOTTIE Right now? MATT It'll be fun. She's not expecting us or anything. And we bring her home. I think she should be here with us, don't you? Don't you miss her? I miss her. SCOTTIE Yeah, I'm out of school. She should be too! 35 EXT. OUTRIGGER RESTAURANT - DAY 35 As Matt and Scottie head toward the exit, Scottie FLIPS OFF a crestfallen Troy. A35 EXT. AIRPORT - DAY A35 A Hawaiian Airlines inter-island airplane takes off. 36 INSERT -- MAP OF THE ISLANDS 36 A DOTTED LINE goes from Honolulu to Kona. 26. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 37 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY 37 Matt and Scottie look out the window at THE BIG ISLAND coming into view. MATT (V.O.) Somehow it feels natural to find a daughter of mine on a different island. A family seems exactly like an archipelago -- all part of the same geographic expression but still islands -- separate and alone, always drifting slowly apart. 38 EXT. KING'S HIGHWAY, BIG ISLAND - DUSK 38 A RED RENTAL CAR zooms along the famous road near Kona traversing rocky -- almost lunar -- landscape. 39 INT. RENTAL CAR - DUSK 39 Matt looks over at Scottie, dozing. 40 EXT. HAWAI'I PREPARATORY ACADEMY - NIGHT 40 The car turns onto the bumpy gravel road snaking through the campus of this BOARDING SCHOOL. 41 INT. DORM SUPERVISOR'S ROOM HALLWAY - NIGHT 41 Matt knocks on a door. An exhausted Scottie slouches against a wall. The DORM SUPERVISOR appears in a nightgown. The TV is on in the background. MATT Hi, sorry to bother you. I'm Matt King. DORM SUPERVISOR Yes, hello, Mr. King. MATT I've come to pick up my daughter, Alexandra. DORM SUPERVISOR Did you call Administration? MATT No, I didn't. It's sort of an emergency. (CONTINUED) 27. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 41 CONTINUED: 41 DORM SUPERVISOR All right, let's see what we can do. 42 OMIT 42 43 INT. DORM HALLWAY - NIGHT 43 Scottie runs down the hall, excited by the idea of surprising her sister. SCOTTIE Which door? Which door is it? MATT Scottie, keep it down! DORM SUPERVISOR Will you both keep it down? It's around the corner. They turn down another corridor, and Scottie knocks on a door. DORM SUPERVISOR (CONT'D) That's the wrong door. The door opens, and a girl pokes her head out. DORM SUPERVISOR (CONT'D) Go back to sleep, Yuki. MATT Sorry, Yuki. The dorm supervisor knocks on an adjacent door. A moment later a ROOMMATE opens, groggy from sleep. DORM SUPERVISOR Wake your roommate, sweetie. ROOMMATE (glancing in her room) Um... Alex isn't here. DORM SUPERVISOR Where is she? ROOMMATE I think she's... outside somewhere. 28. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 44 EXT. SOCCER FIELD - NIGHT 44 A coat over her nightgown, flashlight in hand, the dorm supervisor leads Matt and Scottie across glistening moist grass. They hear LAUGHTER. TWO FIGURES grow more distinct in the moonlight -- GIRLS hitting golf balls -- ALEXANDRA KING and friend EMILY. DORM SUPERVISOR Girls! What do you think you're doing out here? EMILY Run! SCOTTIE Hi, Alex! It's me, Scottie! Emily takes off but doesn't get far -- she falls flat on her face, golf club in one hand, BOTTLE in the other. MATT You know, I pay $25,000 year for this crap not to happen. Alex! ALEXANDRA Dad? (laughing, to Emily) My fucking dad is here! This cracks her up even more. Scottie laughs too, though she's unsure why. DORM SUPERVISOR You don't talk like that here. This is unacceptable behavior! ALEXANDRA What's up, Dad? EMILY You come out to play a few holes with us? SCOTTIE We came to get you so you can come home. He took me out of school already. I haven't gone for three whole days. (CONTINUED) 29. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 44 CONTINUED: 44 ALEXANDRA (to Matt) What's happening? Why are you here? MATT You need to come home and see Mom. Alexandra hears this, takes a few strides, flings her golf club into the night. ALEXANDRA Fuck Mom! DORM SUPERVISOR What did I say about the language? ON MATT -- MATT (V.O.) What is it about me that makes women in my life want to destroy themselves? Elizabeth with her motorcycles and speedboats and alcoholism. 45 EXT. KING HOUSE - NIGHT 45 Matt's car arrives back home, and he and Scottie get out of the car. MATT (V.O.) Alexandra with her drugs and older guys and modeling. 46 INT. KING HOUSE - NIGHT 46 Matt carries a passed-out Alex upstairs. Scottie scampers ahead, opening the door to -- 47 INT. ALEXANDRA'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS 47 -- where Matt places Alex on her bed, takes off her shoes, covers her with a blanket, and watches this tsunami of a girl at rest. 48 INT. KING KITCHEN - DAY 48 At the stove, Matt dishes out SCRAMBLED EGGS. Scottie sits in the kitchen nook. MATT (V.O.) And Scottie, how can I protect her from... me? (CONTINUED) 30. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 48 CONTINUED: 48 As he brings her plate over -- SCOTTIE I don't like eggs. MATT Why didn't you say so before I made them? SCOTTIE I thought they were for you. Alex trudges in and pulls a Coca-Cola out of the fridge. MATT Good morning. (no answer) Does Mom let you have Coke for breakfast? ALEXANDRA I'm pretty sure it's after eleven. Now that we get a closer look, we might recognize Alexandra from the postcards at the hospital. We also see a resemblance to her mother. MATT How are you feeling? Shrugging, she plops down near Scottie. MATT (CONT'D) Hungover, huh? Why am I not surprised? I don't know where to start, and we probably shouldn't in front of Scottie. SCOTTIE I don't mind. MATT I thought you were supposed to be getting your act together. ALEXANDRA I have gotten my act together. I was just drinking. I've been doing really well, but nobody ever seems to notice my grades are better, and how I was in that stupid play you guys didn't bother to see. Do you even remember the name of it? (CONTINUED) 31. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 48 CONTINUED: (2) 48 It's on the tip of his tongue. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) That's what I thought. So what if I got drunk on the ONE night you happened to drop in? So the fuck what? MATT Hey, hey, hey. Watch your language in front of Scottie. SCOTTIE I'm okay. MATT (sitting with them) Anyway, it's good to see you. Welcome home. Want some eggs? ALEXANDRA How long do I have to stay? MATT We'll discuss that. ALEXANDRA (getting up) I'm going swimming. MATT Then I'll join you. ALEXANDRA Good times. 49 EXT. KING SWIMMING POOL - DAY 49 Matt walks out the patio doors. Seated on the steps of the shallow end, Alexandra is on her cellphone. ALEXANDRA (into phone) I gotta go. I'll see you later. (to Matt) The pool's really dirty. What day does the pool guy come? Matt notices all the floating leaves and insects. MATT He comes... you know, I don't know what day he comes. (CONTINUED) 32. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 49 CONTINUED: 49 ALEXANDRA Awesome. Matt grabs a POLE to skim the surface of the water. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) Sid's coming over. MATT Who's Sid? ALEXANDRA A really good friend from Punahou. We were in school together for years. MATT Oh. Okay. ALEXANDRA He wants to be there for me with all this shit happening. Matt wonders his own version of "What am I, chopped liver?" MATT Do I know his parents? ALEXANDRA No. He might stay over too. Is that cool? Just then, Scottie runs out onto the patio dressed in a BRA AND PANTIES. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) What the fuck? Get out of my underwear, you freak. SCOTTIE Ooo, la la! Don't I look divine? MATT Scottie, get back inside and change into your swimsuit. SCOTTIE Why? MATT Now. Scottie flips him off and runs back inside. (CONTINUED) 33. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 49 CONTINUED: (2) 49 ALEXANDRA Real good job you're doing. MATT That's part of why I brought you here. You have to help me. I don't know what to do with her. Alexandra slides into the water, swims to the other side and props herself on the edge, floating her lower body. Matt lowers himself into the water too. ALEXANDRA Maybe if you spent more time with her, she wouldn't act like such a complete spaz. Get her out of town -- go camp on Kaua'i. That's what mom did with me whenever I was losing it. MATT Listen, Alex, your mother isn't well. ALEXANDRA Obviously. MATT They just told me she isn't going to wake up. It's for sure now. The doctors are going to stop caring for her. Do you understand what I'm saying? Your mom wanted it this way. Alex remains silent. MATT (CONT'D) She has a will, see, saying we have to do it like this. We both do. That's why I got you. We're letting her go. Alex looks at him, takes a couple quick, loud inhalations, then slips -- UNDERWATER -- -- where she SWIMS, FACE CONTORTED, hoping to stay down there forever. Finally she emerges -- ABOVE THE POOL -- -- and gets out, grabbing a towel, crying now. (CONTINUED) 34. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 49 CONTINUED: (3) 49 ALEXANDRA Why'd you have to tell me in the goddamned pool? Matt climbs out and approaches her, arms extended. MATT Alex... Alex... ALEXANDRA What do you want? Matt drops his arms, crestfallen. Alex scoffs, walks back into the house. 50 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 50 They sit together now on sofas. Alexandra appears drained from crying. MATT I just found out yesterday. We have to go through this thing together, you and Scottie and I. And I need to go around and tell people what's happening -- our family and close friends. Sometimes I'll want you to come with me. Other times I need you to watch Scottie. ALEXANDRA You want me to go around with you and tell everyone that Mom's going to die? What's the point of that? Breaking the news, watching them cry, dealing with their emotions. How depressing is that going to be? Just call them. MATT Alex, nobody wants to do any of this. But we need to tell Grandpa and Tutu, a few friends. They have the right to know and to be able to say goodbye. ALEXANDRA I don't want to talk about Mom with anyone. MATT Whatever you fought about with her at Christmas, you need to drop it. Grow up. You love your mother. Your mother loves you. Move on. (CONTINUED) 35. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 50 CONTINUED: 50 ALEXANDRA I can't drop it. MATT You have to. ALEXANDRA You really don't have a clue, do you? Dad, she was cheating on you. Whoa. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) That's what we fought about. When I was home at Christmas, I caught her with some guy. It made me sick to see her near you. I went back to school thinking that was it, I was done with her. I was going to call and tell you everything. But then the accident happened, and I was waiting until she woke up, I guess. And you, you didn't even suspect. Right? (off his silence) That disgusted me too. You're always so busy. MATT Caught her with some guy? What does that mean? ALEXANDRA Brandy and I were on our way to swim in the Black Point pool, and suddenly I see Mom and some douchebag walk into a house. His house, I guess. MATT Just a guy? It could have been anybody. ALEXANDRA He had his hand on her ass. It was gross. MATT You're sure it was her. (off her nod) Then what? (CONTINUED) 36. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 50 CONTINUED: (2) 50 ALEXANDRA Then nothing. She went into the house. A few days later I told her I knew what she was doing. MATT And? ALEXANDRA First she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. Like I'm blind. Then she got super-mad and started yelling at me and denied it. That's when I decided I didn't want anything more to do with her. MATT Who is he? ALEXANDRA I don't know. Some guy. MATT What did he look like? ALEXANDRA Dark hair. Matt stands up, walks in a little circle -- he literally does not know which way to turn. Then he knows. MATT Watch Scottie. 51 EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 51 Matt bursts out of his house and starts RUNNING down the street. 52 EXT. NU'UANU NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY 52 Matt comes sprinting around a corner. 53 EXT. THE MITCHELLS' HOUSE - DAY 53 Matt arrives at his neighbors' house and lets himself in the kitchen door. 54 INT. THE MITCHELLS' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 54 Matt passes through the kitchen into the living room. (CONTINUED) 37. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 54 CONTINUED: 54 MATT Hello! It's me, Matt! MARK AND KAI appear at the top of the stairs looking as though they haven't been downstairs all day. KAI Oh, hey, Matt. MATT You guys weren't sleeping, were you? As they come downstairs -- KAI No, we were just fighting. Come on in. Want a drink? Want some coffee? MATT (shaking his head) What were you fighting about? MARK Stupid. KAI It's not stupid. He wants us to throw parties and have people over, which we do, of course, but who ends up doing all the work? Me. MARK It's work that's totally unnecessary. You don't have to do anything. Nobody's forcing you to clean and buy a new outfit and think of some goddamn theme cocktail. We can just invite people over last minute and drink whatever we have and hang out. It's more fun that way, anyway. As they continue their argument, Matt is struck by the pettiness of everyday life. He at once pities it, is impatient with it, and longs for it. MARK (CONT'D) You know what? We can talk about it later. Matt didn't come over to hear us squabble. KAI Shit, Matt. Is Elizabeth -- is there any news? (CONTINUED) 38. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 54 CONTINUED: (2) 54 MATT In fact there is. I'll tell you in a moment. Who is he? (off their silence) Does she love him? Who is he? KAI Matt. MATT I'm sorry to put you in this position. But I'm not really the one who put you there, am I? I just want to know who this guy is that my wife has been... seeing. KAI Oh, Matt, you're angry. MATT You could be a therapist. Very keen powers of observation. KAI Wow. I think we should talk another time. I think you need to cool it. Matt sits. He's not leaving. No one speaks. MATT Is it Troy? That fucking Neanderthal? MARK You don't know him. KAI Oh, don't you even, Mark. Shame on you. You're her friend. MARK I'm Matt's friend too. And this is a very unique and dramatic situation. I'd want to know. KAI Don't betray her when she can't even defend herself. Matt, you may not be able to hear this right now, but it's not her fault. Women have needs. MATT Are you fucking kidding me? (CONTINUED) 39. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 54 CONTINUED: (3) 54 KAI Your marriage was not... You worked so hard to make partner, and no one can take that away from you. But then you made partner, and you only got busier. And it's not like you were so involved with the girls. She was lonely. MATT So you're going to talk to me in clichés about women? Nothing is ever a woman's fault. Was it still going on when she had the accident? Kai looks away. Mark nods. MARK But I stayed out of it, Matt. Anytime Kai talked about it, I walked away. MATT (to Kai) And you what? You probably egged her on. Add some drama to your life without any actual risk. Whom do you think you're protecting anyway? She doesn't need your protection -- it's over. She's going to die. KAI Don't say that. MATT I almost told you yesterday. She's never going to wake up. It's for sure now. You hear me? We're pulling the plug. You were putting lipstick on a corpse. MARK Come on, Matt. That's a little intense. Kai's face dissolves into tears. Mark reaches out to comfort her. Everybody falls back to Earth. MATT I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take it out on you guys. I just... Does she love him? Matt looks at him blankly, then at Kai. He'd like to know too. (CONTINUED) 40. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 54 CONTINUED: (4) 54 KAI How can you ask about him when she's going to die? Who cares? Yes, she loves him, loved him, whatever. She's crazy about him. She was going to ask you for a divorce. Matt is stunned but oddly relieved. The truth, once revealed, blows a calming wind. MATT You still haven't told me who he is. I guess it doesn't matter. Matt rises to his feet and leave. 55 EXT. THE MITCHELLS' HOUSE - DAY 55 Just as Matt reaches the sidewalk, Mark comes loping out of the house. MARK Brian Speer. His name is Brian Speer. Two e's. A PET GOAT tied up in the front yard watches. 56 EXT. NU'UANU NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY 56 From a discreet distance, we notice that Matt has stopped walking to cry. 57 EXT. KING SWIMMING POOL - DAY 57 Wandering up the driveway, Matt finds Alexandra sitting with Scottie and SOME GUY. Scottie now wears an oversized t-shirt reading, "She's fat. I'm drunk. It's on." They stop laughing when they see Matt. SCOTTIE Hi, Daddy. ALEXANDRA Dad, this is Sid. MATT (sizing him up) Hello, Sid. Lanky and odd, a permanent smirk on his face, SID rises from his lounge chair. (CONTINUED) 41. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 57 CONTINUED: 57 SID `Sup, bro? As they shake hands, Sid pulls Matt into a man-hug and thumps him on the back. MATT Don't ever do that to me again. (to Alexandra) Get ready, okay? We're going to Grandma and Grandpa's. (to Scottie) Auntie Esther will come over to watch you. ALEXANDRA Sid's coming with us, okay? MATT Sid, this week, what's going on, is a real family matter. You understand. (to Alexandra) Sid's not going to be interested in meeting your grandparents. He'll be bored stiff. ALEXANDRA Dad, I told you he was going to be with me. I'll be a lot more civil with him around. SID (arms wide, shrugging) What can I say? 58 EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 58 Matt approaches the car with Alexandra and the interloper. MATT Does he know what we're doing? ALEXANDRA He knows everything. SID Dude, your wife is dying and then you find out she's been stepping out on you? That's harsh. MATT Get in the car. 42. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft A59 EXT. MONTAGE - TBD A59 59 EXT. THORSON HOUSE - DAY 59 Matt watches retired military man SCOTT THORSON (70s) mumble as he sits at a table glancing over DOCUMENTS. Sid is splayed out on a nearby lounge chair. Alex seated at his feet. Every so often a PET PARROT squawks loudly. SCOTT THORSON This is like reading Korean. MATT Scott, I'll be happy to walk you through it. SCOTT THORSON (tossing the papers) Jibber-jabber. MATT It's an advanced directive -- basically her instructions on what medical procedures she wants or, in this case, does not want. No prolonged mechanical ventilation, no -- SCOTT THORSON I know goddamn well what it says. Says she doesn't want everyone waiting around while she spoils like milk. Says if the doctors can't do squat, she'd just as soon get on with it. He stares off into space. ALEXANDRA Gramps, are you okay? SCOTT THORSON Elizabeth had the good sense to write this thing here. Always a thoughtful girl. A strong girl. A hell of a lot stronger than her brother. Barry whines his way through life. Might even be a homosexual, for all I know. MATT Yeah, Scott, I don't think so. (CONTINUED) 43. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 59 CONTINUED: 59 SCOTT THORSON And she's stronger than you, Matt. She lived more in a year than you did in a decade, sitting in your office, hoarding all your cash. All that money you refuse to use -- what the hell good is it? And now you and your family are cashing in your chips -- what the hell for? Maybe if you'd let my baby have her own boat and bought her some safe equipment or let her go on those shopping sprees women like, maybe she wouldn't have gone in for those thrill sports. Maybe if you'd provided more thrills at home. ALEXANDRA Grandpa. SCOTT THORSON And you, Alexandra. Putting your poor mother through hell when all she was trying to do was instill some sense and drive in you. Shame on you. You should try to be more like her. She's a good girl. She's a good girl. The old man climbs to his feet and takes a few steps away. Hands on hips, he looks up as though gauging the weather. Then he clears his throat, wipes his face with his sleeve, turns back. SCOTT THORSON (CONT'D) You all want a drink? As he wanders away toward the kitchen -- LATER -- Scott returns pushing a little DRINK-CART. Behind him trails his wife ALICE. An Alzheimer's victim, Alice is a sweet woman, alert but unable to grasp or recall. ALICE Oh, do we have guests? MATT (kissing her) Hi, Alice. Good to see you. It's me, Matt. ALICE Good to see you too. (CONTINUED) 44. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 59 CONTINUED: (2) 59 ALEXANDRA (hugging her) Hi, Tutu. SCOTT THORSON That's Alexandra. ALICE Hello. SCOTT THORSON She's your granddaughter. And this is your son-in-law Matt. This is your family. Well, except this kid. I don't know who the hell he is. (to Sid) Who are you? Why are you here? ALEXANDRA He's my friend. SID Good afternoon. SCOTT THORSON Alice, we're going to go to Queen's Hospital today and see Elizabeth. ALICE We are? Queen Elizabeth? That's wonderful. I've never met a queen before. I have to put on a nice dress. Sid bursts out LAUGHING. SID Is she serious? SCOTT THORSON You be quiet, son. (then --) No, Alice. Our Elizabeth. Our baby. We need to go visit her in the hospital. She needs us, just like when she was a little girl. Let's think about what she might want in her room. We'll take it to her and put it next to her bed. ALICE But she's a queen. I have to look good for a queen. Don't you want me to look good? (CONTINUED) 45. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 59 CONTINUED: (3) 59 Sid LAUGHS again. SCOTT THORSON Shut up, Alice. (then --) Sorry, old gal. You go ahead and say whatever you want. ALICE I've never met a queen before. When Sid snickers again, Scott Thorson approaches him and glares. SID I'm sorry, man. I was just laughing. It's funny. I think she knows she's being funny. SCOTT THORSON I'm going to hit you. Scott POPS HIS FIST into Sid's face. Sid FLIES BACK. 60 INT. MATT'S CAR - DAY 60 The car in motion, Matt glances in the rearview mirror. MATT How's the eye? In the backseat, Sid holds a package of FROZEN PEAS to his puffy blue eye. SID That was unreal. I mean, how often do old people just haul off and fucking cold-cock you in the face? MATT He's hit me a couple times over the years. And watch your language. ALEXANDRA Here, let me kiss it. SID Ow! MATT Hey, could you two just cool it around me? You know, stop... touching each other so much? (CONTINUED) 46. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 60 CONTINUED: 60 SID Whoa! Maybe that's why your wife cheated on you, if you're so against touching. SLAMMING ON THE BRAKES, Matt turns around, points a menacing finger. Even Alexandra realizes Sid went too far. MATT You little fuck. Do you get hit a lot? SID I don't know. I've had my share. MATT (to Alex) Your friend is completely retarded. You know that, right? SID Hey, my little brother's retarded. Don't use that word in a derogatory fashion. Matt looks at him. Given who Sid is, there's no reason to think he wouldn't have a retarded brother. MATT Oh. SID Psych! I don't have a retarded brother! ALEXANDRA You suck, Sid. SID Speaking of retarded, do you ever feel bad for wishing a retarded person or an old person would just hurry up? Sometimes I wait for them to cross the street, and I'm like, come on already! But then I feel bad. Rather than lashing out again at Sid, Matt turns around and lowers his head into one hand, squeezing his temples. It's all getting to be too much for him. (CONTINUED) 47. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 60 CONTINUED: (2) 60 ALEXANDRA (noticing his anguish) Dad? MATT What? ALEXANDRA Don't forget -- I know where he lives. Matt thinks a moment, then -- MATT Get in the front seat. 61-63 OMIT 61-63 64 EXT. DIAMOND HEAD ROAD - DAY 64 Matt's car passes by the well-known crowded surf-point overlook. MATT (O.S.) Been doing any surfing over there on the Big Island? ALEXANDRA (O.S.) I haven't surfed in years. MATT (O.S.) Yeah, how come? You were so good. ALEXANDRA (O.S.) At first I stopped because I got my period and didn't know how to use a tampon. SID (O.S.) Didn't want to attract sharks, huh? ALEXANDRA (O.S.) So I wouldn't go for, you know, five days or so, and then I guess I just stopped. MATT (O.S.) Why didn't you ask Mom to show you or teach you or whatever? 65 EXT. KAHALA - DAY 65 The car continues on. (CONTINUED) 48. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 65 CONTINUED: 65 ALEXANDRA (O.S.) I didn't even tell her I got my period for like a year. She was always pushing me to look older and act older, so I just... SID (O.S.) Even I know how to use a tampon. ALEXANDRA (O.S.) The first time I got my period I thought I shit my pants. SID (O.S.) Ew, maybe you did! ALEXANDRA (O.S.) Sid, shut up. MATT (O.S.) Are you sure he knows what's going on with our family? Because he sure doesn't act like it. 66 EXT. BRIAN SPEER'S BLOCK - KAHALA - DAY 66 The car creeps down a street of lovely homes. ALEXANDRA Do you know anything about him? Like what he does or if he's married? MATT Just his name. Brian Speer. ALEXANDRA Why didn't you ask Kai and Mark? MATT I just didn't. ALEXANDRA Why not? MATT I didn't want to get into it. ALEXANDRA We'll google him later. Okay, there it is. Stop. Matt pulls over opposite a supremely average-looking house. (CONTINUED) 49. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 66 CONTINUED: 66 MATT There? He lives there? ALEXANDRA Well, I can't say for sure he lives there. That's just where I saw them. MATT And you just happened to be driving by. ALEXANDRA Sadie was driving. We both saw it. They all observe closely, very focused. Nothing happens. It's just a house. SID That house is a piece of shit. At least go after a guy who's got a mansion. And do you think he's married? That'd be pretty cold-blooded to do it in a house where you're married. ALEXANDRA Sid, please be quiet. MATT What are we going to do? ALEXANDRA I don't know. I'm just showing you the house. They all think a moment. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) Should I go ring the bell? MATT (tempted, then --) No, wait, this is stupid -- this stalking, or whatever the hell we're doing. We came, we saw. Whatever. Let's go. No one moves. ALEXANDRA It's not like we're stalking him exactly. (CONTINUED) 50. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 66 CONTINUED: (2) 66 A PLUMBING TRUCK drives up the road. The three of them reflexively crouch down before catching themselves. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) What would you do if you saw him, anyway? Talk to him or punch him or what? MATT I guess I just want to see him. SID All I know is, someone messed with my girl, all hell would break loose. ALEXANDRA Whatever, Sid. SID I mean, you'd never do that to me, would you? You know, if we ever got married. Fuck around on me. ALEXANDRA Depends on how you treated me. MATT That's enough now. ALEXANDRA And we're not getting married. Jesus. MATT (starting the car) Okay, that's enough. We're getting out of here. 67 EXT. NEARBY STREET - KAHALA - DAY 67 Matt's just about to turn back onto Kahala Avenue when -- ALEXANDRA Dad, stop! MATT What? ALEXANDRA Go back. MATT Why? (CONTINUED) 51. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 67 CONTINUED: 67 ALEXANDRA Just go back a couple of houses. Matt does so, checking that the coast is clear. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) There he is. MATT There who is? ALEXANDRA Look. Matt and Sid look toward a HOUSE FOR SALE. At first they don't get it, but soon their gaze drifts to the -- "FOR SALE" SIGN complete with a PHOTO of the broker, none other than -- BRIAN SPEER -- his big white SMILE contrasting starkly with haggard, unshaven Matt's SCOWL. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) Now we know what he looks like. SID Must be pretty handy for a dude having an affair to have some empty houses at his fingertips. (as Matt and Alex look at him) I'm just saying. That's how I'd do it. Alexandra climbs out of the car to grab a FLYER and take a photo of Brian Speer with her phone. 68 EXT. BRIEF MONTAGE 68 Images of Honolulu at DUSK TURNING INTO NIGHT -- STREETLIGHTS turning on across an entire neighborhood, boisterous pau-hana DRINKERS AT A BAR, a bus releasing weary commuters, an overhead shot of the environs of the KING HOUSE. MATT (V.O.) I trusted you. But there was always something about you I didn't trust. The sound of an internal PHONE RING begins. 69 INT. MATT AND LIZ'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 69 A sitting area off the bedroom is where Elizabeth displays her trophies and sports memorabilia. (CONTINUED) 52. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 69 CONTINUED: 69 This is where Matt now sits nursing a whiskey and pressing a PHONE to his ear. BRIAN SPEER (O.S.) Hi, this is Brian Speer at Kaimana- Prudential Realty. Sorry I missed you. Leave a message with your name, number and time of call, and I'll get back to you just as soon as I can. Mahalo. Looking as though he's about to vomit, Matt hangs up, regards the flyer on the coffee table before him. SID (O.S.) Hey, boss. Matt looks up to see Sid in his boxers. SID (CONT'D) Did you call him? MATT None of your business. And put some clothes on. And you're not sleeping in Alex's room. In fact, you should really go home, son. SID Alex wouldn't like that. MATT Guest room. Take it or leave it. SID We're going to do what we're going to do. MATT I'm not going to make it easy for you. SID I'm just fooling with you, man. We're not like that. Guest room's awesome. (then --) Just call him. He's nobody. Raise hell. WIPE TO: 70 INT. MATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 70 Matt sits on the bed, listening once again to Brian Speer's outgoing message. (CONTINUED) 53. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 70 CONTINUED: 70 MATT (on the BEEP) Yeah, hi, Brian. My name's, uh, Herb Fitzmorris. I'm interested in that house you've got on Koloa Street, the one with the plantation shutters. I'm at 645-2796. Thanks. 71 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 71 As Matt leads his daughters toward Elizabeth's room -- MATT Let me go in for just a quick moment alone first. I'll be right out. 72 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 72 Matt closes the glass door behind him and slides the privacy curtain across it. He looks at his wife. She's starting to look different -- her face more gaunt, her hair more matted. Since the last time we saw her, OTHER ITEMS have been added around her bed. Along with draped LEIS, we see a childhood DOLL, DIPLOMAS, and of course SPORTS MEDALS and RIBBONS. An antique QUILT covers her legs. Her father meant it when he said they'd bring her old things. Matt crouches down bedside. MATT You were going to ask me for a divorce? So you could be with some fucking fuckhead Brian Speer? Are you kidding me? Who are you? Because the only thing I know for sure is that you're a goddamned liar. So what do you have to * say for yourself? Go ahead, make a * little joke and tell me I've got it all * wrong. Tell me again I'm too out of touch with my feelings and need to go * to therapy. * (then --) * Isn't the idea of marriage to make your partner's way in life a little easier? For me it was always harder with you. And you're still making it harder. Lying there on a ventilator and still fucking up my life. You're relentless. You know what? I was going to ask you for a divorce some day. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 54. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: 72 MATT (CONT'D) (grabbing a DOLL, tossing it) Daddy's little girl. Matt rises, looks at her motionless face, exhales, gets himself together. MATT (CONT'D) I'm bringing in your daughters now. Alex is home from school. Try to be nice, okay? He slides the curtain open and lets the girls in. SCOTTIE Hi, Mom! Look who's here. Alexandra approaches the bed slowly, startled by the changes in her mother's appearance and knowing the end is near. SCOTTIE (CONT'D) Say something, Alex. People in a coma can hear you. You're supposed to talk to them. ALEXANDRA Hi, Mom. SCOTTIE Tell her how you were drunk the other night. Tell her maybe you're an alcoholic. ALEXANDRA I guess it's in the genes. MATT Girls, be serious. ALEXANDRA Hi, Mom. Sorry for being bad. For wasting your money on expensive private schools. Money you could have used on facials and massages and sports equipment. Sorry for everything. (looking at Matt) Sorry we weren't good enough for you -- especially Dad. MATT Stop it. That's out of line. (CONTINUED) 55. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (2) 72 ALEXANDRA Or what? You going to ground me? Or ship me off to another boarding school? You going to give me a "time out?" MATT Goddammit! Unable, in front of Scottie, to remind Alex that Elizabeth is dying, Matt grabs his older daughter and SPANKS her. SCOTTIE You got served! MATT Scottie, out in the hall. SCOTTIE She's the one out of line. MATT Go find Sid. SCOTTIE He's smoking. I shouldn't be around second-hand smoke. MATT (raising his hand) Now! As Scottie runs outside -- ALEXANDRA Did you just spank me? MATT You have no right to talk to your mother that way. She's going to die in a few days. What if those were your last words? ALEXANDRA I have every right to speak this way. I'm mad at her. How can you be so forgiving? Matt considers this. Of course she didn't see his recent outburst, and he's not about to let on. MATT I'll be angry later. For now let's just think about the good parts. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 56. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (3) 72 MATT (CONT'D) And don't say that stuff in front of your sister. Don't ruin her for Scottie. Say something else. ALEXANDRA Look, Mom, I know we fought a lot. But I always wanted to be like you. I am like you. I'm exactly like you. God, that came out so dramatic. MATT You are like her. Mostly in good ways. Maybe some bad ways. Remains to be seen. Sid saunters inside with Scottie in tow. SID I hear you got spanked. I hear all hell's breaking loose in here. (approaching the bed) Hey, Mrs. K., howzit? I'm Sid, Alex's friend from Punahou, remember? Nice day outside. No clouds. Not too hot. You know what I think? Tough lady like you? I think you're going to make it. I mean, I'm no doctor. What do I know? But that's what I think. Matt squints at Sid. Is he stoned? SID (CONT'D) I'm staying at your place to help Alex out. Don't worry, Mr. K.'s got me on lockdown at night. And I met your dad - - he packs a mean punch. Look at this. (bringing his face closer) Wow. You're beautiful. (to Alexandra) If you look anything like her when you're older, you're lucky. I mean, you know, not exactly like she is now. I mean in general. Sid turns back for a long look at Elizabeth. SCOTTIE (looking at her phone) Reina just texted me! She's here visiting her grandma! Can she come visit? (CONTINUED) 57. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (4) 72 MATT Dammit, Scottie, no Reina. SCOTTIE But you said Thursday, and it's almost Thursday. I don't get to see her in school anymore. MATT Not now. SCOTTIE I need her. Alex needs Sid. I need Reina. Matt looks at Alex, who in turn raises her eyebrows -- what harm could it do? LATER -- Scottie pushes open the door, now accompanied by her friend REINA, 12, who looks around as if the room is dirty. She wears a terry-cloth tennis skirt and hooded terry-cloth sweatshirt. SCOTTIE (CONT'D) Dad, this is Reina. Reina, that's my sister and Sid, and that's my mom on the bed. REINA Hi, everybody. Alex and Matt look at each other, bewildered. Scottie leads Reina to the bed and touches her mother's shoulder. REINA (CONT'D) So this is your mother? I guess it's true. Should I shake her hand? SCOTTIE If you want. REINA No, thanks. MATT So, Reina, I hear your grandmother's not feeling well. (CONTINUED) 58. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (5) 72 REINA Yeah. It's pretty bad. She got her stomach operated on and then got some stupid infection or something. It's pretty gross. MATT Well, Reina, thanks for stopping by, and, here, Scottie, let me give you some money, and you two can go get an ice cream or something... REINA Too many carbs. MATT Carbs. Well, you could go to the cafeteria and get some lettuce. REINA That's okay. I'm done. (to Scottie, on her way out) You aren't a liar after all. SCOTTIE Don't you want to hang out? REINA No, I should go. I'll see you at the club. Hope your mom gets better. Exit Reina. ALEXANDRA Scottie, what'd she mean by "You aren't a liar after all?" What'd she think you were lying about? SCOTTIE She didn't believe Mom was sleeping. ALEXANDRA So you had to prove to that twat that Mom's in a coma? What the fuck is in your skull, a bunch of stupid pills? SCOTTIE Shut up, you motherless whore! SID Whoa, whoa, easy there, half-pipe. (CONTINUED) 59. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 72 CONTINUED: (6) 72 MATT Where'd you learn how to talk like that? Scottie points at Alex. Matt's PHONE RINGS. He pulls it out to silence it but notices the CALLER ID -- KAIMANA-PRUDENTIAL REAL ESTATE. He freezes. Sensing something, Alex calmly grabs the phone from him and glances at it. ALEXANDRA Hello? No, you've got the right number. This is his assistant Sharon. How may I help you? Alex listens. Scottie has no idea what's going on, but it sure is fun. SCOTTIE Who is it? ALEXANDRA Oh, I see. And for how long? Uh-huh. Okay. So one or the other. I'll tell him. Mahalo. Alexandra hangs up, proud. Matt's proud too. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) That was Bonnie Tanaka, a realtor. She says Mr. Speer is on Kaua'i till the 18th, but she'd be happy to show you the house or you can stop by the open house on Sunday. 73 EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 73 MANY CARS are parked outside. 74 INT/EXT. KING HOUSE - DAY 74 PLATTERS of sashimi, fruit, ahi poke and salads lie atop the antique koa dining room table. LONGTIME FRIENDS, 40s to 70s, mingle in the living room and around the pool. We spot Mark and Kai. 60. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 75 INT. KING KITCHEN - DAY 75 Matt is spacing out alone, perhaps mentally rehearsing his speech. Awkward teen BUZZ happens by. BUZZ Hi, Mr. King. MATT Hello, Buzz. BUZZ Sorry about Mrs. King. Hope she gets better real soon. MATT Thanks. BUZZ It really blows. Matt nods, swigs his drink. Buzz now feels emboldened to reveal the cocktail concealed behind his back. BUZZ (CONT'D) Please don't tell my mom I'm drinking. MATT I won't. BUZZ Sometimes I steal beers from your outdoor fridge. MATT I know. Buzz slinks off. MATT (PRE-LAP) (CONT'D) You've all been asking about Elizabeth, and I've given vague answers. But the reason I've asked you all to come over today is to tell you... 76 INT. KING LIVING ROOM - DAY 76 Matt addresses the gathering. MATT ...that her coma is permanent. She's not going to make it. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 61. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 76 CONTINUED: 76 MATT (CONT'D) This week -- tomorrow, in fact -- as per her wishes, we're going to unhook her from life-support. (holding for gasps) You all know Elizabeth -- she always likes to do things on her own. Goddammit. (almost losing it) I wanted to tell you all in person. You're all our dear friends, our best friends. And the girls and I appreciate so much all the ways you've helped these last few weeks -- bringing food, calling... ONE GUEST Can we see her? MATT Yes, for God's sake, yes. That's the whole point. Go see her as soon as possible. That's what I wanted to tell you. It should be now, not after. Everyone who loves her deserves a chance to say goodbye. 77 EXT. KING HOUSE DRIVEWAY - DUSK OR NIGHT 77 Matt waves goodbye to the last guests as they drive off, then turns back toward his house. Halfway there, his exhaustion forces him to COLLAPSE onto the moist lawn. Sitting there, he comes to a REALIZATION -- not one he wants, but he knows he must deal with it regardless. ALEXANDRA (PRE-LAP) You've lost your mind. 78 INT. MATT'S STUDY - NIGHT 78 Matt is catching up on WORK and has a DICTAPHONE in his hand. Alex hovers in the doorway. ALEXANDRA You mean him? Tell him to say goodbye? MATT I'll only be gone a day or so. I'll leave in the morning, and be back tomorrow night. If it takes another day, fine -- I'll give it two days tops. If I don't find him, at least I tried. (CONTINUED) 62. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 78 CONTINUED: 78 ALEXANDRA Drop it, Dad. You've got way bigger fish to fry than confronting fucking Brian Speer. Are you recording this? MATT I'm summarizing a deposition. ALEXANDRA How can you work? MATT How can you go to a movie? ALEXANDRA To get Scottie out of the house. And you're going to tell him to come back and see Mom. MATT I think... I just think she would want him to know. ALEXANDRA Just call his office and say it's an emergency. MATT On the phone he can escape. In person he has nowhere to go. I want to see his face. I want to change his life. Alexander senses his resolve -- it's kind of refreshing, actually -- then breaks into a wicked little smile. ALEXANDRA Then I want to go too. MATT No, you stay with Scottie. ALEXANDRA Fuck that. Let's all get out of town. 79 EXT. AIRPORT - DAY 79 A Hawaiian Airlines inter-island airplane takes off. 80 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY 80 Matt sits isolated from his daughters and Sid across the aisle from him. 63. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 81 INSERT -- MAP OF THE ISLANDS 81 A DOTTED LINE goes from Honolulu to Lihue. 82 EXT. KAUAI AIRPORT - DAY 82 Matt leads his daughters and Sid toward the rental car shuttle when -- COUSIN RALPH (O.S.) Yo, Matt King! Matt turns to see COUSIN RALPH loping over, briefcase in hand. Like Matt, he wears the island businessman's uniform -- Khakis and a Reyn's Spooner shirt. Grinning and nodding, Cousin Ralph gives Matt a back-slap hug and greets Scottie and Alexandra, whose names he clearly forgets. COUSIN RALPH (CONT'D) Whatcha doing here? MATT Just came over for a day or two. COUSIN RALPH Yeah, I just got back from Kahului. A little business over there. MATT Yeah. COUSIN RALPH All right. So you here to talk to some of the cousins? Make sure everybody's happy with your choice? Pay your respects to Cousin Hugh? Matt's smiles to cover the fact that he hasn't actually been thinking about this stuff. MATT No, no, nothing like that. Just a little holoholo. Get the kids out of town. COUSIN RALPH But it is Holitzer, right? We all know it's Holitzer. Cousin Hugh wants him, they go way back. I got my misgivings, though. It's not the highest bid by a longshot. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 64. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 82 CONTINUED: 82 COUSIN RALPH (CONT'D) There's an argument to be made for maxing it out. We only do this once in a lifetime. And in this economy -- MATT Yeah, no, I know. I want to work with you guys, Ralph, I really do. Whatever the majority wants, I'll go along with it. Let's just get it over with. COUSIN RALPH How's Elizabeth doing? She going to be okay? MATT The same. COUSIN RALPH Well, she's a tough gal. She'll be okay. Yeah. Say, where you going, Hanalei? MATT Yeah, Princeville. COUSIN RALPH Come on. I'll give you a ride. 83 EXT. COUSIN RALPH'S JEEP - DAY 83 It's an open jeep with bad shocks, and Cousin Ralph drives fast. The passengers hold on, their hair blown back. MATT Hey, Ralph. COUSIN RALPH Yeah. MATT Turn off over here. Let's go see the land. COUSIN RALPH Take a last look, huh? MATT You got time? COUSIN RALPH I got nothing but time. 65. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 84 EXT. TURNOFF POINT - DAY 84 Cousin Ralph makes a turn and heads inland. 85 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY 85 The Jeep stops at a FENCE, where a HERD OF CATTLE graze on the other side. Matt jumps out to let the jeep through. RALPH I think this is where a golf course is going to be. They want the golf course to rival Pebble Beach, you know, bring in the big boys. 86 EXT. BUMPY ACCESS ROAD - DAY 86 The Jeep ascends through pastoral countryside. 87 EXT. LOOKOUT POINT - DAY 87 The Jeep stops at the overlook of an astonishingly beautiful swath of land extending from hilltop to bay. All get out, walk to the edge, look out. SID Are you shitting me? You guys own all this land? MATT Not personally. It belongs to a trust. But yeah, it's ours for a few more days. RALPH The other side of that ridge too. You can't see it from here. It's like this, but a little flatter and doesn't have as nice a bay. SID This is outrageous. COUSIN RALPH (pointing, to Matt) Yep. Big resort there on that point. Commercial area over there, houses all through there. I think they should put in a big zip-line. Hell, we should have put in a zip-line. All continue to ogle this awe-inspiring sight. (CONTINUED) 66. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 87 CONTINUED: 87 RALPH Of course, part of me agrees with the cousins who don't want to sell. They're going to make a pretty big stink at the meeting. MATT I know, but we have to sell. The trust has to dissolve in seven years, and if we haven't sold, it'll be a huge mess. Selling now and distributing the cash is the only clean way to do it. RALPH But it's a shame, yeah? On the other hand, hey, it's just sitting there. No one's using it. At least this way the whole world will be able to enjoy it. MATT (to his daughters) Take a good look, girls. In the old days, this was part of your great-great grandmother's inheritance going all the way back to Kamehameha I. With them, we look across this land, vivid and verdant. ALEXANDRA Down there is where Mom and I would camp. MATT We all did, all our lives. A lot of memories. SCOTTIE What about me? I want to camp. I wish we lived in the old days. ALEXANDRA We do. We still do. (to Matt) Do we really have to sell? MATT Doing anything else would get extremely complicated. A lot of your cousins just want the money. Everything has its time. SCOTTIE I want us to keep it! (CONTINUED) 67. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 87 CONTINUED: (2) 87 Matt looks over at Scottie, then at Alexandra. It's clear that Alexandra is moved by this sight. SID Can you like specify what businesses they'll put here? Because you should totally get a Cheesecake Factory. Only one so far's in Waikiki, and it's awesome. You definitely need a Cheesecake Factory. And Taco John's. MOMENTS LATER -- The Kings approach a nearby MONUMENT commemorating "John Lowell "Keoni" King. 1899 - 1974. The plaque depicts a smiling man atop a horse. MATT (to the girls) My grandfather. He really loved this place. So did your mother. So does your mother. 88 EXT. COUSIN RALPH'S JEEP - DAY 88 Cousin Ralph turns off the Kuhio Highway and into PRINCEVILLE, which greets visitors with an immense faux- Italian FOUNTAIN. 89 EXT. PRINCEVILLE - DAY 89 Passing through this immense development, Matt notices the names of the condo complexes: The Sand Piper, The Island Tropic, etc. And he observes TOURISTS along the edge of the golf course, with their visors and fanny packs. 90 EXT. ST. REGIS HOTEL FRONT DOORS - DAY 90 Ralph drops our friends off. 91 INT. ST. REGIS HOTEL LOBBY - DAY 91 Alex and Sid slump against a marble pillar. Scottie has taken her shoes off to slide across the shiny floor. AT THE FRONT DESK -- CLERK Here's your credit card back, Mr. King. And how many keycards will you be needing today for your deluxe suite? (CONTINUED) 68. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 91 CONTINUED: 91 MATT Let's say three. By the way. I'm supposed to meet a buddy of mine I think is staying here. Brian Speer. S- P-E-E-R. CLERK (checking computer) I'm not showing anyone by that name. MATT Thanks. 92 INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY 92 Moving in. LATER -- Matt is on the telephone, nodding gravely. MATT No, I understand. Okay. Thanks. Matt hangs up, blinks a few times, spaces out a moment. Then he slides open the glass door to the -- 93 EXT. HOTEL SUITE LANAI - DAY 93 -- where he finds Alexandra smoking. MATT Put that out, will you please? Alex shoots him a look, then stamps out the butt on the bottom of her shoe. MATT (CONT'D) You could at least smoke lights. Like Sid. ALEXANDRA I could. MATT Just got off the phone with Dr. Johnston. They did what they had to do a couple hours ago. They've moved her to another floor. They say she seems comfortable, still breathing on her own. She's doing okay. (CONTINUED) 69. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 93 CONTINUED: 93 Alexandra nods at this news and looks off. Matt joins her in gazing out at Hanalei Bay. MATT (CONT'D) So how are you doing, Alex? ALEXANDRA What do you mean? You mean considering Mom's... circling the drain? MATT No, I mean other than that. In general. You haven't been using, have you? ALEXANDRA No, Jesus, I'm not using. MATT Not at all? I smell pot all the time on Sid. ALEXANDRA That's Sid. MATT So you just stopped? Really? ALEXANDRA Look, Dad, it's no big deal. Kids do drugs and they stop. Unless they're like super-ghetto. And you sent me to boarding school, remember? I couldn't get anything anymore. So no, I'm not doing any drugs. But I still think they're fun. Okay, maybe a little pot once in a while. MATT And a little drinking. She can't deny that. MATT (CONT'D) Why are you being so honest? ALEXANDRA Mom's dying. MATT Yeah, well, I'm proud of you. (CONTINUED) 70. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 93 CONTINUED: (2) 93 ALEXANDRA Not much to be proud of. MATT Yeah, there is. We shipped you off. Let them handle it. And now you're here, helping with Scottie, helping me. Thanks. ALEXANDRA You want to know what really pisses me off? That she wouldn't end it. Not even when she knew she was busted. How are we supposed to feel about that? MATT I guess she really liked him. ALEXANDRA So how are we going to find this guy, Sherlock? MATT Right. Well, why don't you two take Scottie to the beach? I'm going to call around a little. We're on an island, for Christ's sake. Everything's just one degree of separation. ALEXANDRA (getting up) We'll find him. 94 EXT. ST. REGIS BEACH - DAY 94 Matt scans the BEACH as he ambles toward Sid and his daughters lying on towels. Scottie is snuggled close to Sid. Matt notices LUMPS OF SAND stuffed into Scottie's bikini top. MATT Hey, what's in your suit? SCOTTIE They're my beach boobs. MATT Take that out. Right now. Alex, Jesus, why'd you let her do that? You too, Sid. Lying on her stomach, Alex lifts her head. (CONTINUED) 71. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 94 CONTINUED: 94 ALEXANDRA I don't know. Take them out, stupid. SID Yeah, Scottie. Honestly. Big boobs look kind of fatty. Scowling, Scottie gets up and starts pulling the sand out of her suit as she stomps toward the water. ALEXANDRA Any luck? MATT The hotels were a dead end, but I took another shot with his office. He's definitely in Hanalei renting a house somewhere -- probably one of those cottages around the bay. Who wants to go for a walk? SID Sounds good. Matt grimaces -- not whom he was hoping for. Alex ties the straps of her bikini and flips over. ALEXANDRA Yeah, let's go. Scottie! 95 MOMENTS LATER -- 95 Our friends weave their way among BEACH-GOERS. Matt has thought to bring along a print-out of Brian Speer's PHOTO, which he and Alex glance at discreetly. Sid trails behind. SCOTTIE (catching up to Matt) Can we swim with the sharks? I read in the hotel magazine how they put you in a cage in the ocean and throw shark feed in the water and sharks swim right up to you. Can we do that? ALEXANDRA Scottie, we're not really here to do stuff like that. 96 EXT. HANALEI BAY - PINE TREES - DAY 96 The sun approaches the horizon. (CONTINUED) 72. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 96 CONTINUED: 96 Father, daughters and Sid have walked past people and houses. Now they're walking just to be walking. We see them from a distance, although we hear them very close. SCOTTIE How'd you and Mom meet? MATT I was with a law school buddy from the mainland, and I took him to the club. We were just coming in from paddling, and your mom was on her way out, and she looked at me and said, "Do you think it's going to snow today?" We all got beers when she came back in. I had already seen her around. That was it. I got her number. SCOTTIE Did you think she was pretty? MATT She knocked me out. SCOTTIE What do you love about her? MATT I love... I don't know. The way we are with each other, most of the time, anyway. I love how she's more capable of feeling joy than anyone I've ever known. I just like being with her, just riding bikes or going out to dinner, even if it's just a plate lunch at Rainbow's. Years ago we used to do a lot of paddling together. ALEXANDRA Can we drop this? Jesus. (mimicking) "What do you love about Mom, Daddy?" Shut up, already. (to Matt) And stop babying her. MATT Easy, Alex. We're just talking. 97 EXT. HANALEI BAY FOREST AREA - LATE AFTERNOON 97 Our friends continue walking, this time amid THICK TREES along the shoreline. Again we see them from afar. (CONTINUED) 73. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 97 CONTINUED: 97 MATT Your mom got chased by a shark once. Very close call. ALEXANDRA When was that? MATT We were on Moloka'i with Mark and Kai, and your mom was out surfing and saw a shark right beneath her on a wave. Like right beneath her. She got down on her stomach and started paddling like crazy, and this big fin kept following her. She even paddled up onto the nearest rocks instead of all the way to shore. Got cuts all over her legs and hands. Only time I ever saw your mother scared, and she was really scared. She even threw up. Crying and shaking. I had to hold her for a long time. She really thought she was going to die. Of course she hid all that from the Mitchells, turned it into a funny "Me-versus-a-shark" story. I told her... ALEXANDRA Yeah? MATT I told her it wasn't her time yet. They continue in silence a few moments. SCOTTIE I wish Mom was here. 98 EXT. ST. REGIS HOTEL BEACH AREA - LATE AFTERNOON 98 The sun is now very low on the horizon as our friends make their way back to the hotel. Again we see them from a distance. MATT I'll ask you that same question, Scottie. What do you love about Mom? SCOTTIE Lots of stuff. She's not old and ugly like other moms. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 74. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 98 CONTINUED: 98 SCOTTIE (CONT'D) I like her stories -- like how she streaked at the wedding and the time she beat a wild pig with a shoe. How about you, Alex? ALEXANDRA Why are we still talking about this? (then --) I like how she's not afraid of anything. 99 INT. HOTEL SUITE SITTING ROOM - NIGHT 99 The four are splayed out watching TV amid the messy remains of ROOM SERVICE DINNER. Alexandra and Scottie wield the REMOTE and stumble upon the channels promoting direct-access ADULT MOVIES. SCOTTIE Let's watch one of these! ALEXANDRA We're not watching porn. SCOTTIE Reina's dad watches pornos. Reina calls them masturbation movies. Her dad has some. She plays them when her parents aren't home and one time invited boys over to see if they grew down there. One did. SID Reina's awesome. MATT Were you there? Have you seen any of those movies? SCOTTIE No. ALEXANDRA You've got to watch her with the internet. And Reina's dad. Scottie, Reina is a fucked-up ho-bag, and you need to stay away from her. Do you want to end up like me? SCOTTIE Yes. (CONTINUED) 75. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 99 CONTINUED: 99 ALEXANDRA I mean the earlier me, when I was mean to you and yelling at mom all the time. SCOTTIE No. ALEXANDRA Well, Reina's going to be a meth-head, and she's going to get used by stupid guys. She's a twat. Say it. SCOTTIE She's a twat. (running across the room) Twat, twat, twat, twat! MATT Stop that! (to Alexandra) I don't get it. I don't know what to do... these things she does. What goes on in her head? You weren't like that. ALEXANDRA It'll go away. MATT I'm not so sure. I mean, look how you kids talk in front of me. It's like you don't respect authority. Alex looks at him -- authority? 100 INT. HOTEL SUITE BEDROOM - NIGHT 100 Matt tosses and turns, gets up and goes to the bathroom. MOMENTS LATER -- Exiting the bathroom, he decides he should make a routine inspection and wanders into -- 101 INT. HOTEL SUITE SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 101 -- where he eyes a lump on the FOLD-OUT BED. He creeps up when Sid awakens. SID Hey, what's up? MATT Hi. (CONTINUED) 76. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 101 CONTINUED: 101 SID Checking on me or something? A sheepish look on his face, Matt takes a seat on the edge of the bed. MATT I don't, uh... I haven't been sleeping very much lately. SID Understandable. MATT I'm worried about my daughters. I'm worried there's something wrong with them. SID I used to do some messed-up shit when I was a kid. Still do. It's going to get worse after your wife dies. MATT What does Alex really think about this stuff that's going on? What does she say? SID She doesn't. MATT What do you mean? I thought she talks to you all the time. SID We don't really talk about our like "issues." We just, I don't know, we deal with our shit by talking about other stuff and having a good time. MATT What would you do if you were me? How would you handle my daughters? How would you handle... the situation of this guy we're trying to find? Matt can't believe what he just asked, but he's desperate for clues from even the unlikeliest source. (CONTINUED) 77. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 101 CONTINUED: (2) 101 SID I told you what I'd do -- I'd lay his nuts on a dresser and hit `em with a spiked bat. With the daughters, I don't know. I'd take them on a trip. Or no, I'd buy `em a bunch of shit. Like with all the money you're going to get when you sell the land -- you're going to make stupid money, right? -- dude, you could buy them anything. Matt questions his sanity at having asked Sid any advice. MATT Do you want some of it? Some money? SID Sure. MATT If I gave you a lot of money right now, tonight, would you leave? SID Why would I leave? MATT No, Sid, I'm asking you a favor. If I give you money, will you leave? SID Oh. I get it. Is that what you want? You want me to go? MATT I guess not. SID Look, dude, you're right. If I had daughters, I wouldn't know what to do. Exchange them for sons, I guess. MATT Then I might wind up with something like you. SID I'm not so bad. I'm smart. MATT You're about a hundred miles away from Smartville. No offense. (CONTINUED) 78. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 101 CONTINUED: (3) 101 SID You're mistaken, counselor. I'm smart. I have good hygiene. I'm an decent guitarist, a good cook. I cook food all the time. I'm vice-president of the Punahou chess club. And I always have weed. MATT I'm sure your parents are proud. SID It's possible. My mom's sort of busy right now. MATT What does she do, your mom? SID She's a receptionist at a pet clinic. But mostly she's been getting the house together after my dad died. My dad died a few months ago. At first refusing to fall for it, Matt sees this is no prank. SID (CONT'D) November 24th. Drunk driver. Actually both drivers were drunk. Yeah. Sid smiles and nods as though to make Matt feel better about the sad news he just shared. MATT Goodnight, Sid. I'll see you tomorrow. SID Goodnight, boss. 102 EXT. HANALEI BAY - DAWN 102 SUNRISE. Matt JOGS along the nearly empty beach -- just a few surf FISHERMAN and PADDLERS. He's clearly out of shape but makes a good effort. ANOTHER GUY jogs toward Matt wearing a "Stanford Lacrosse" T- shirt and running shorts with long slits up the sides. BRIAN SPEER! They pass each other. Matt continues on a moment in disbelief, then TURNS AROUND and follows. His strides long and efficient, Brian gives Matt a run for his money. (CONTINUED) 79. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 102 CONTINUED: 102 Soon Brian cuts up the beach toward one of the COTTAGES that line the bay. Matt follows, awkwardly trying to appear nonchalant. MATT (under his breath) Hi, you don't know me, but I know you. Hi, you don't know me, but I know you. Brian Speer, right? Hi, I'm Liz's husband. That's right. Fuckface. Brian disappears up a little PATH through a HEDGE. Matt quickens his pace toward -- 103 EXT. HANALEI BEACH COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS 103 -- where he spies on Brian walking across a wide lawn toward a lovely OLD COTTAGE. MATT Hi. You don't know me, but I know you. Brian disappears inside, emerging moments later chugging GATORADE. Courage gathered, Matt is about to charge forward when he stops short -- the door opens again, and out comes a beautiful WOMAN in a white bathing suit and white sun hat. Then two LITTLE BOYS. Fucker's got a family. Not the right moment. 104 EXT. HANALEI BAY - DAY 104 The sun is higher, and the BEACH is growing populated. Matt sits on the sand, glancing occasionally back toward the cottage. Next to him lie his daughters and Sid. Suddenly TWO BOYS -- Brian's kids -- come running through the hedge and past Matt on their way into the water. Matt turns around to see Brian's wife JULIE SPEER dutifully trailing behind. JULIE Stay in the zone, please! That means you, Skylar. And you too, Colt. MATT (low) Skylar and Colt? (CONTINUED) 80. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 104 CONTINUED: 104 Matt watches the little boys flop into the surf. Mrs. Speer follows, wading in up to her calves. Matt stands to look whether Brian is coming down to the beach too. No such luck. MATT (CONT'D) (to Alex) I'll be right back. Matt gets to his feet, brushes off sand, and walks casually toward Mrs. Speer, maintaining a comfortable distance. Alexandra watches. IN THE SURF -- Matt takes up a casual stance near Mrs. Speer and pretends to look out at the water, just hanging out. Mrs. Speer continues to keep a watchful eye on her boisterous boys. MATT (CONT'D) Looks like you got yourself a handful with those two. JULIE Yeah. MATT Must keep you pretty busy. JULIE They're pretty non-stop, but they're at a really fun age. MATT How old are they? JULIE SPEER Eight and ten. MATT (pointing) I have two girls. Ten and seventeen. That whole non-stop thing. That never changes. JULIE SPEER You guys live here? MATT We live on O'ahu. (CONTINUED) 81. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 104 CONTINUED: (2) 104 JULIE SPEER Oh, so do we. MATT Yeah, I'm just getting my girls out of town for a couple days. Their, uh, their mother is in the hospital, so I thought I'd give them a little break. JULIE Oh, no. MATT She'll be fine. JULIE What's wrong? If you don't mind my asking. MATT Just a little boating accident. Hit her head a little too hard. Does Julie recognize any of this, or even recognize him? Doesn't seem like it. JULIE A sailboat? Or one with a motor? MATT (laughs, then --) One with a motor. She's actually sort of charming, this Julie Speer. JULIE Well, good luck with that. I wish her well. Skylar, don't go so far! MATT You guys staying in one of the cottages over there? JULIE Yes, my husband had to come here for work, so we thought we'd all make a little vacation of it. He knows the owner, so -- MATT Hugh King. (CONTINUED) 82. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 104 CONTINUED: (3) 104 JULIE That's right. MATT He's my cousin. JULIE Oh. Then you probably know my husband. Brian Speer? That hangs there a moment. Matt suppresses the sudden desire to spill the beans. MATT No, can't say as I do. JULIE Oh, I just assumed, since he's been -- SCOTTIE Dad! Dad, come here! Something bit me! Matt looks over to see Scottie very agitated about something. MATT Excuse me. Nice talking to you. JULIE You too. Take care. Matt trots off. 105 A MONTAGE -- 105 Images of Hanalei as the sun begins to set over the magnificent taro fields. Wind rustles the trees. Mist falls into the valley. MATT (V.O.) How can I forgive her for loving someone else? Did she even know about his family? Was she that in love? Does she miss him from her coma? Does she wish he could be with her and not me? 106 EXT. HANALEI TOWN - DUSK 106 Our friends walk along roadside tourist shops toward -- 83. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 INT. TAHITI NUI RESTAURANT - DUSK 107 A lived-in hangout with a wood interior, woven mats on the walls, and tables carved into with steak knives. A UKULELE CLUB jams in a corner. As our foursome enter the joint, Matt notices -- COUSIN HUGH yucking it up at the BAR with other REGULARS. MATT (to Alexandra) There's Cousin Hugh. Get us a table. Order me something. ALEXANDRA Like what? MATT Anything. AT THE BAR -- Matt wedges his way in beside his third cousin, who despite his booziness and very local flavor is nonetheless a King family patriarch. COUSIN HUGH Heeey! Mattie-boy! What are you doing here? I didn't expect to see you until the meeting. He looks over his shoulder to see whom Matt might have come in with. COUSIN HUGH (CONT'D) Is that...? MATT Yeah, Scottie and Alex. COUSIN HUGH Big girls now! So what are you doing here, man? MATT Just getting the girls out of the hospital for a couple days, you know, change of scenery. (CONTINUED) 84. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 CONTINUED: 107 COUSIN HUGH Yeah, boy, what you've been going through. That's a tough deal. (taking a drink) But Elizabeth, hey, she's, she's a tough gal, I'll tell you that. A fighter. She'll make it. Get you a drink? MATT Sure, what're you having? COUSIN HUGH Barney, an old-fashioned for my cousin here. Nice to see you, Matt. How you been otherwise? MATT Not much otherwise. Between our business and the hospital, you know, I've just trying to keep my head above water. So listen, I see you have some people staying in the cottage. COUSIN HUGH Oh, hey, Mattie, if I'd known you were coming, I coulda -- MATT No, no, no, I'm just wondering about the guy you're renting to. I think his name is Brian Speer. COUSIN HUGH Yeah, yeah, real determined son-of-a- bitch. He's Lou's sister's... No, wait. Lou has a sister, and the sister's husband... Lou's brother-in- law is cousins with that guy. MATT Huh? Who's Lou? COUSIN HUGH No, wait. You mean the cottages on the bay or the cottage back by the trail? MATT The bay. The guy with the wife and two boys. (CONTINUED) 85. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 CONTINUED: (2) 107 COUSIN HUGH Yeah, that's right. Determined son-of- a-bitch. Anyway, the point is the guy we're doing business with is that guy's brother-in-law. Works for him. MATT Brian Speer. COUSIN HUGH That's the guy. MATT What do you mean, the guy we're doing business with? COUSIN HUGH Who do you think? Don Holitzer. MATT Holitzer. COUSIN HUGH That's what I'm saying. That's Don's brother-in-law in the cottage. You don't know him? I would have thought you'd know him. He's a realtor over by you. So if we sell to Don -- and that's what we're going to do, right? That's what you want too. Nice guy, Don. He'll do right by us. Then when Don develops and re-sells and leases and all that -- MATT Yeah, yeah -- COUSIN HUGH He's letting this brother-in-law in the cottage handle the transactions. A lot of them, anyway. Big score for that guy. It takes a moment for this stone to drop to the bottom of Matt's well. MATT What's he like? COUSIN HUGH Who? (CONTINUED) 86. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 CONTINUED: (3) 107 MATT Brian Speer -- what else do you know about him? COUSIN HUGH Not much. He's lucky. The bugga's lucky. His sister is married to the guy. Son-of-a-bitch is going to make a shitload of money on commissions. MATT Not if we don't go with that bid. Cousin Hugh's eyes emerge momentarily from their drunken fog to give Matt a firm, steely warning. COUSIN HUGH We all want Don. You do too, Matt. You've said as much. MATT No, I know. You're right. Okay. Well. Good to see you, Hugh. COUSIN HUGH You too. MATT See you at the meeting. COUSIN HUGH I'll be there. TRACK TO THE TABLE firmly on MATT'S FACE as he processes this horrifying news delivered so casually. AT THE TABLE -- Matt takes a seat. Scottie and Sid eat fried appetizers. Alexandra just sits watching the musicians. SID This place rocks. SCOTTIE Totally. ALEXANDRA We ordered you mahi. (CONTINUED) 87. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 107 CONTINUED: (4) 107 MATT (low) Great. The music grows more frenetic. Matt looks around the room, alienated from everything -- from the fried food and the tourists, from the umbrellas in the drinks, from his daughters enjoying the music and this cretin called Sid. Why can't a nuclear bomb blow the whole island up right now? 108 EXT. THE ROAD BY THE BAY - SUNSET 108 The light is swiftly fading, and our heroes are little more than SILHOUETTES as they walk back to the hotel. Sid and Scottie talk and laugh together. Alex walks with her father. MATT So, guess what. Turns out Brian Speer is connected to Don Holitzer. ALEXANDRA Who's Don Holitzer? MATT The guy we're going to sell to. And that woman today at the beach. That was his wife. ALEXANDRA Whose wife? (then --) The hottie with the hat? You sure? (off his nod) So he's married. Nice. Why didn't you say anything? MATT It's him I want to talk to, not her. I know where their cottage is. ALEXANDRA You do? So let's do it right now. Let's go knock on his door. MATT That's what I'm saying. Alexandra quietly exults. (CONTINUED) 88. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 108 CONTINUED: 108 MATT (CONT'D) Don't do that. Don't be excited. This isn't fun. ALEXANDRA Well, it's what we came here to do. MATT So you to talk to his wife while I talk to him. And figure out some way to distract Scottie and their kids. ALEXANDRA Got it. Sid, come here! A109 MOMENTS LATER -- A109 The team are gathered for a little huddle. ALEXANDRA Listen, Dad and I are going to go talk to some friends while Sid takes you back to the hotel, okay? SCOTTIE I want to come too. SID I don't. Who wants to sit around talking in some house? Let's ditch these losers and go watch some serious TV. SCOTTIE Yeah! As they walk away -- SID (to Matt, low) Give `em hell, boss. 109 EXT. HANALEI BAY COTTAGE - NIGHT 109 Zero hour. Matt and Alexandra approach the cottage from the road and start to walk around it toward the beach. ALEXANDRA Are you ready? MATT No. What should I say? (CONTINUED) 89. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: 109 ALEXANDRA You'll think of something. You're a lawyer. MATT I'm sorry for sucking you into this. I should be doing this alone. It's selfish of me. ALEXANDRA I'm the one who sucked you in. I'm the one who knew. Just as they are round the house toward the lanai, Julie Speer backs out of the screen door with a plate of hamburger patties. Alex nudges Matt. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) Don't be a pussy. MATT (stiffly) Hi there! The screen door slams. Julie looks over. MATT (CONT'D) It's the guy from the beach today. JULIE Oh, hello. MATT Yeah, hey, I'm such an idiot. I just figured out I do know your husband. My daughter and I were on our way back to the hotel from dinner, and we thought we'd drop by and say howdy. ALEXANDRA (mouthing) Howdy? JULIE Great. Come on up. MATT I'm Matt King. This is Alexandra. JULIE I'm Julie Speer. Yeah, I thought that was you. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 90. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: (2) 109 JULIE (CONT'D) You've been in the paper so much lately. I figured you had to know Brian. He's been pretty involved. MATT Yeah, no, I know, yeah, super-involved. Maybe I've met him in passing. I don't know. JULIE So, I guess you guys are deciding really soon. A couple of days, right -- you and your family meet? I'm sorry. That's probably a conflict of interest or something. MATT No, it's okay. You're right -- it'll all be over in a couple of days. JULIE You guys want a burger? MATT We just ate, thanks. JULIE A drink then. As Alex and Matt agree, a figure appears at the screen door. BRIAN SPEER emerges, a bag of BUNS in one hand. BRIAN SPEER Hi, I'm Brian. MATT Brian, we may have met before. Matt King. My wife is Elizabeth King. I think you may have met her too. Our daughter Alexandra. Brian's big GRIN WILTS. JULIE I was just going to get drinks. BRIAN SPEER Good, good. Good. Matt nudges Alexandra, who suddenly remembers her duty. ALEXANDRA Do you need help? (CONTINUED) 91. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: (3) 109 JULIE (over her shoulder) No, no, I got it. Alex is glad to keep her ringside seat for the moment. All buckle their mental seatbelts. MATT Elizabeth is dying. Oh, wait. Fuck you. And she's dying. We unhooked her from the machines this morning. She'll be dead in a few days. ALEXANDRA We're not here to hurt you. We just thought she'd want you to know. As they've plotted, Alex and Matt study Brian's paralyzed face. They exchange a glance, then look back at him. ALEXANDRA (CONT'D) This is him? Why would she go for him? MATT Beats me. Well, he's very articulate. BRIAN SPEER I can't... I'm sorry. I never thought it would come to this. ALEXANDRA You're sorry my mom's going to die? You're sorry you fucked her? You're sorry you fucked over my dad? BRIAN SPEER I'm sorry for all of it. MATT Look, pal, like she said, I'm not here to wreck your life. I just came to give you a chance to go to the hospital. I don't know how long you're planning on being here, but I'm sure you can think of an excuse to leave. ALEXANDRA You must be good at that. MATT You can be alone with her to say goodbye or whatever you want. Do you hear what I'm saying? (CONTINUED) 92. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: (4) 109 Brian seems deeply lost in his own thoughts. Then -- BRIAN SPEER Okay, look, I can't have you here. You understand. Julie returns with wine for Matt and a soda for Alex. JULIE Here we go. (noticing) Everyone's so serious. Please don't tell me you're talking about business. ALEXANDRA We're talking about love. JULIE That's nice. Brian, call the boys in for dinner. BRIAN SPEER They're fine. Let them play a while longer. They all stand there a moment. Matt's unsure how to play this out. He shoots a quick panicked look at Alex, who scrambles to keep the ball rolling. ALEXANDRA Awesome cottage you're renting. MATT Yeah, say, prime Hanalei location. I used to come here as a kid before it was a vacation rental. Alex, your great-uncle Warren and Aunt Lillian built it back in the 20s. Haven't been inside in years. JULIE Come on. We'll give you a tour. ALEXANDRA Or, Brian, maybe you could give my dad a little walk down memory lane, and Julie and I can chat out here. MATT Yeah, I'd like that, if you don't mind. Just a quick look. (CONTINUED) 93. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 109 CONTINUED: (5) 109 BRIAN SPEER Sure. But it's not like I live here. Matt walks up to the door, making a point to let Brian open it for him. 110 INT. HANALEI BAY COTTAGE - NIGHT 110 Brian sweeps his hand around the room. BRIAN SPEER Here it is. MATT How did you meet? I'm curious. For a moment Brian looks tricked, as if Matt really did just want a tour of the house. BRIAN SPEER I can't do this. MATT Neither can I. How did you meet? BRIAN SPEER I thought you said you came here just to tell me. MATT I changed my mind. And I can't very well ask her the details. How'd you meet? BRIAN SPEER At a party. MATT What party? BRIAN SPEER Super Bowl party. MATT (figuring it out) At the Mitchells'. BRIAN SPEER Does that help? Does that make it better? (CONTINUED) 94. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 110 CONTINUED: 110 MATT Hey, I'm doing you a favor here. I could go out there right now and fuck you up, so get a better attitude. Then what? How'd you get the nerve to ask her out? Brian drops his head, rubs his temples. MATT (CONT'D) I want to know what makes a person cross that line. Was it about the deal? Is that when you decided she was for you? BRIAN SPEER No, no. It's not what you think. It just happened. MATT Nothing just happens. BRIAN SPEER Everything just happens. MATT Was she going to leave me? BRIAN SPEER She would have. But I, I, uh... I didn't want that. That wouldn't have happened. I love Julie. (anguished) Please don't tell her. Please. I don't know what I've done. I'm sorry. MATT Did she say she loved you? Brian nods slightly. MATT (CONT'D) Do you love her? Brian looks down. MATT (CONT'D) You don't love her. You don't love her. You just used her to get to me. BRIAN SPEER No, I told you. I wasn't trying to get to you. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 95. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 110 CONTINUED: (2) 110 BRIAN SPEER (CONT'D) It was an affair, an attraction. Sex. And she got sort of... carried away with the whole thing, and I guess I went with it. I mean, I didn't exactly say no to things. I should have. I love my family. MATT Then I guess it's all working out. Her lips are sealed, and you don't have to go through the trouble of dumping her. BRIAN SPEER Hey, hey, that's really unfair. I had - - have -- a lot of respect for her. She's a wonderful woman. MATT Too bad her husband found out. You can't win `em all. One more question. Have you ever been inside my bedroom? BRIAN SPEER (tortured) Once. MATT You could have had the decency to lie about that one. Well, she's in Queen's Hospital if you want to say goodbye. That really is all I came to say. BRIAN SPEER Shouldn't you be with her? Matt's face slackens into overwhelming sadness. 111 EXT. HANALEI BAY COTTAGE - NIGHT 111 Matt swings the screen door open. Alex sits with Julie. Skylar and Colt are still running around the yard. MATT Yeah, great, all remodeled, new appliances. Nice. Alex, we should be getting back. JULIE Well, hey, thanks for stopping by. Really nice to meet you both. Maybe we'll see you at the beach tomorrow. (CONTINUED) 96. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 111 CONTINUED: 111 ALEXANDRA Yeah, maybe. After Alex and Julie share a quick kiss goodbye -- a common custom in Hawaii -- Julie turns to Matt. Matt leans in, but instead of going for her cheek, he kisses her FULLY ON THE LIPS. He pulls away, and they exchange a brief, vaguely erotic look. Then he turns away and into the night. 112 INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT 112 The plane is dark except for overhead READING LIGHTS. Again Matt, Sid and the girls sit at the very BACK OF THE PLANE. ALEXANDRA So when do you think he'll show up? MATT I have no idea. Sid leans forward from the middle seat. SID Was he sorry? I hope he was sorry, man. You could have told his wife, and you didn't. I hope he knows how lucky he is. I would have told her everything. She deserves to know. Or else she's going to be a dumb bitch the rest of her life. ALEXANDRA Sid. SID I'm just saying. MATT No need to get creepy. Anyway, doesn't matter. That's all behind us. ALEXANDRA Yeah, the one we have to worry about telling things to now is Scottie. MATT I've asked Dr. Johnston to help us break the news tomorrow. (CONTINUED) 97. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 112 CONTINUED: 112 They turn to look at little Scottie, dead to the world in the window seat. 113 INT. HOSPICE HALLWAY - DAY 113 Matt and the kids walk slowly through this different, calmer wing of the hospital looking for the right room-number. Finally they find it and push open the door into -- 114 INT. HOSPICE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 114 While still a hospital room, there is no medical equipment present. Bucolic colorful paintings on the wall are intended to be uplifting. But unlike the expansive view outside Elizabeth's ICU window, here the window looks out partially at a CINDER-BLOCK WALL. Sid and the Kings are greeted by DR. JOHNSTON and grief counselor DR. HERMAN, who affects a comforting smile. DR. JOHNSTON Hello, everyone. Matt. (off their greetings) This is Dr. Herman, whom I told you about. She works with us in counseling. DR. HERMAN (locking eyes with all) Hello, everyone. Hello. Hi. Hello. The two professionals allow the Kings to turn their attention to Elizabeth, who now lies with no machines at all. Around her BALLOONS droop, FLOWERS wilt, get-well CARDS lie in a pile. Elizabeth too is wilting and drooping. Her skin is pasty, and her cheeks are hollow. SCOTTIE How come Mom isn't on any more machines? Is she getting better? The adults exchange glances. Dr. Herman approaches Scottie. DR. HERMAN You must be Scottie. (off her nod --) Scottie, I have a present for you. Dr. Herman hands her a little squeaky RUBBER OCTOPUS she pulls from her pocket. (CONTINUED) 98. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 114 CONTINUED: 114 DR. HERMAN (CONT'D) That's right. It's an octopus. Such a funny creature with its eight legs. But did you know octopi are actually extremely intelligent, like dogs and cats? They have unique personalities, and just like us they have a lot of defense mechanisms. I'm sure you know about the ink sac. She uses ink to confuse her predators. She can camouflage herself. She can emit poison, and some can mimic more dangerous creatures, like the eel. I keep her to remind me of our defense mechanisms -- our ink, our camouflage, our poison, all the things we use to keep away hurt. The reason Dr. Johnston invited me here today is to meet you, Scottie. I've heard a lot about you. SCOTTIE Like what? DR. HERMAN I've heard that you're a wonderful and unique and spirited girl. Dr. Herman shoots a look at Matt before continuing. DR. HERMAN (CONT'D) And I've heard your mom's not doing too well and that she's going to die very soon. All watch Scottie react to this news. SCOTTIE Dad, is that true? MATT Yes, Scottie. It's true. DR. HERMAN You're going to have to be a very brave girl right now, and you're surrounded by people who love you. I came to meet you and tell you that if you ever want to talk about what you're feeling, I would like to talk to you too. I can help you face what's going on without all the silly defense mechanisms that work for an octopus but not for us. (CONTINUED) 99. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 114 CONTINUED: (2) 114 DR. JOHNSTON Okay. Thank you, Dr. Herman. Dr. Herman looks at everyone with great sincerity before leaving. Scottie is left holding the octopus. She drops it, and it squeaks a little. ALEXANDRA What the fuck was that? DR. JOHNSTON Yes, well, they say she's very good one- on-one. SCOTTIE So Mom's going to die for sure? DR. JOHNSTON Yes. We worked really hard with her, but three other doctors and I agree she's in what we call an irreversible coma. Do you know what that means? SCOTTIE It means she doesn't have a brain anymore. DR. JOHNSTON Not exactly, but... yes, that's the general idea. So we're doing exactly what she wanted us to do if that ever happened. That's why she's not attached to the machines anymore. ALEXANDRA It's for the best, Scottie. Look at her. She's not happy like this. DR. JOHNSTON The purpose of medicine is to heal, and we can't do that now. MATT Do you understand? SCOTTIE Yes. What will we do with her body? Dr. Johnston looks to Matt for this one. (CONTINUED) 100. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 114 CONTINUED: (3) 114 MATT First Mom's going to give some of her organs to other sick people, so she can help save their lives. That's a really neat thing she's doing. Then we're going to... we're going to scatter her ashes in the ocean. You know how Mom always loved the ocean. SCOTTIE Her ashes? Scottie looks at her mother, picturing her as ashes. SCOTTIE (CONT'D) When will she die? DR. JOHNSTON Any day now, I'm afraid. But you still have some time. DR. JOHNSTON (CONT'D) Well. Let me know if you have any more questions. MATT Thanks, Sam. The doctor leaves, and the room is quiet. Scottie is in a sort of trance. ALEXANDRA Come here, Scottie. Scottie goes to her sister, who takes her in her arms. SCOTTIE Do eyeballs burn? SID Hey, Scottie. Don't think about stuff like that. 115 INT. HOSPICE ROOM - THE NEXT DAY 115 Matt and the kids sit in a sort of vigil. Alex and Scottie read books, Matt has brought some paperwork, Sid reads a magazine. Elizabeth emits a SIGH. All look up a moment before looking back down. (CONTINUED) 101. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 115 CONTINUED: 115 Matt's PHONE VIBRATES. Checking the caller ID -- HUGH KING -- he opts not to answer. The door opens, and Elizabeth's brother BARRY THORSON accompanies his parents Scott and Alice into the room. SCOTT THORSON Here we are. (to Scottie) Hi, Bingo. Alex. Cheerful Alice doesn't really get what's going on. An emotional Barry hugs Matt and the girls. SCOTT THORSON (CONT'D) (eyeing Sid) There you are again. Matt and Alex maneuver seats for the Thorsons to sit near the bed. Barry gets his mother situated, then takes a seat himself. Remaining on his feet, old Scott surveys his daughter from a distance. SCOTT THORSON (CONT'D) So what did you decide? MATT There's not much left to decide. We're just sort of playing it by ear and making sure she's comfortable. SCOTT THORSON I mean what did you decide about the buyer? Who's your buyer? Even Sid and his daughters perk up at this question. Matt is taken aback. SCOTT THORSON (CONT'D) How much are you getting? BARRY THORSON Dad, I'm sure you'll be able to read about it in the paper. SCOTT THORSON I don't need to read about it. I can hear about it right now. (CONTINUED) 102. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 115 CONTINUED: (2) 115 MATT Scott, let's not talk about that here. It's not the time for that. SCOTT THORSON All the same to you, I guess. A million here, a million there. Just ironic, that's all -- Elizabeth coming into this misfortune just as you're coming into a fortune. She gave you everything, Matt. A good, happy home, two beautiful daughters. Matt looks to Barry for help, but Barry's silence and sheepish look imply he buys into his father's propaganda. MATT Scott, what's your point? SCOTT THORSON She wanted her own boat. She should have had her own boat, one she would have been familiar with. MATT She wasn't even driving! Her boat, someone else's boat -- it wouldn't have made any difference. You're not going to blame me for this. SCOTT THORSON Sure, sure, quibble about the details. She was a faithful, devoted wife. She deserved more. Why fight it? MATT You're right. She deserved more. SID For Christ's sake, take it easy on the man. Scott turns to Sid like he's about to pop him again. ALEXANDRA My father has been doing a really amazing job under the circumstances. His point made, Scott looks at Matt and the girls and shuffles to Elizabeth's bedside, puts his hands on Alice's shoulder. (CONTINUED) 103. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 115 CONTINUED: (3) 115 ALICE Are we ready to go? BARRY THORSON No, Mom. Not yet. MATT (gesturing toward the door) Girls, Sid. Matt, Sid and the girls quietly go into -- 116 INT. HOSPICE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 116 -- where they take a few steps away. SID Man, that guy's a prick. Was he always like that? MATT Yep. Scottie has stayed behind to peek through a crack in the door. Noticing, the others join her. THROUGH THE DOOR -- As Barry and Alice remain seated, their backs to us, Scott stands above his daughter, touching her arm, eyes closed. SID Is he praying? MATT No. SCOTT THORSON (opening his eyes) Say goodbye to Elizabeth, Alice. ALICE Oh. Goodbye, Elizabeth. The old man puts his hand over his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut. Then he opens his eyes and places a hand on her forehead, smooths her hair back. WIDE -- Matt and his daughters watch without moving. DISSOLVE TO: 104. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 117 INT. KING HOUSE - MATT'S STUDY - NIGHT 117 Matt sits at his desk lost in thought. The only sound is the tick-tock of an old clock reading 3:20. Then he gets up and starts pacing, shooting occasional glances at the BLUEPRINTS and RENDERINGS atop his desk. DISSOLVE TO: 118 EXT. HIGHWAY OUTSIDE KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY - DAY 118 Matt turns off the highway and into a long driveway. 119 INT. KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY HOUSE - DAY 119 Matt opens all front doors and lanai doors, letting air into the old place. He notices old PHOTOS OF KING ANCESTORS. 120 EXT. KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY - DAY 120 Matt walks around the property alone, taking it in and thinking. Like everywhere in Hawai'i, the nature here is powerful -- TREES, BIRDS, SPIDERWEBS. 121 EXT. KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY HOUSE - DAY 121 Matt plops heavily into a chair on the lanai. WIDER -- Matt alone. DISSOLVE TO -- 122 EXT. KING FAMILY SHARED PROPERTY HOUSE - LATER 122 It's the same angle but now with FORTY KING COUSINS gathered for the poll. We recognize some faces. CLOSER -- Amid drinks held aloft, a CALABASH is passed among the cousins into which the each places a folded BALLOT. Matt sits watching the proceedings with Cousin Hugh, Cousin Six and another ELDERLY COUSIN at a table piled with papers and contracts. MATT Elizabeth's not doing well. COUSIN HUGH She'll be okay. She's a fighter. (CONTINUED) 105. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 122 CONTINUED: 122 MATT No. She's dying. We took her off the machines. LATER -- Matt, Hugh and Six FINISH THE COUNT while others mill about, mingle, drink -- an early celebration for all except for a group of DISSENTERS off to one side. COUSIN HUGH Well, no surprise. Other than the holdouts who don't want to sell at all, it's Don Holitzer. Chicago group a distant second. Feels good. We're doing the right thing, Mattie. At least there ain't going to be any Wal-Mart. Now it's your call, and we're all behind you, most of us anyway. (handing him a pen) Go ahead, Captain. Make it official. MATT It's strange, that's all. COUSIN HUGH What's strange? MATT We didn't do anything to own that land. It was entrusted to us. And now we're just... Hugh and Six exchange a concerned look. For a moment we go VERY CLOSE on Matt's eyes. Then -- MATT (CONT'D) I can't do it. I won't do it. I'm not going to sign. COUSIN HUGH What're you doing, Matt? I mean, we know you have a lot on your plate right now, but you're not going to fuck this up for us. It's over. If we don't sell now, it'll be a mess when the trust dissolves. Just sign, go to your wife, done. (CONTINUED) 105A. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 122 CONTINUED: (2) 122 COUSIN SIX It's inevitable, Matt. You know that. We'll get out of debt -- the taxes and maintenance have been leaching us for far too long. (CONTINUED) 106. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 122 CONTINUED: (3) 122 MATT I don't want it to go to Holitzer. I don't want it to go to anyone. I want to keep it. COUSIN SIX For Christ's sake. We can't move without your approval. And we don't want to. Hugh tries forcing Matt's hand. Matt resists. COUSIN HUGH Your head's not right, Mattie. Your head's not right. You want a couple days to think it over? Take a couple days. MATT I don't need a couple days. I have the authority, and this is what I want. I haven't wanted something in a long time. We have other businesses we're converting to corporations. We can figure it out. COUSIN SIX But it's utterly unproductive land. It doesn't generate enough income to pay the goddamn taxes. COUSIN HUGH You're the trustee. You know better than anyone we only have seven years left. MATT Then I have seven years to figure out how to keep it. Cousin Hugh draws a long breath, looks up at the sky, then back at Matt. COUSIN HUGH We'll come after you. Just because you're a lawyer doesn't mean the rest of us would be afraid to come after you. But nobody wants to do that. We're family. (CONTINUED) 107. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 122 CONTINUED: (4) 122 MATT People will be relieved, Hugh, the whole state. I sign that document, it's over. End of the line. Something that was ours to protect will be gone. Even though we're haole as shit and go to private schools and clubs and can't even speak pidgin, let alone Hawaiian, we still carry Hawaiian blood, and we're still tied to this land. And our children are tied to this land. It's a miracle that for whatever bullshit reason 150 years ago, we own this much of... paradise, but we do. And for whatever bullshit reason now, I'm the trustee. And I'm not signing. And if you sue me, it'll only make us closer. Cousin Hugh releases a long breath more like a belch, quickly picks his nose, exchanges a look with Cousin Six. Then he brings his fingers to his mouth to WHISTLE. COUSIN HUGH All right, everybody, listen up. Cousin Mattie has an announcement. Get ready. Rising to his feet, Matt scans the faces of his relatives. 123 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 123 From the way Matt, Sid and the girls are positioned around the room, we can tell their presence there is now way of life. Scottie snoozes on the little sofa. We may notice that Elizabeth is even more shrunken. A KNOCK is followed by -- A VASE OF FLOWERS appearing in the doorway, topped by blonde hair and held by thin bronzed arms. It's JULIE SPEER. MATT Julie. What are you doing here? He rises to help her find a spot to put the flowers. She nods to the girls. JULIE I know we just met, but I was thinking about you guys these past few days, and I knew your mom was here. I don't know. I just felt I should stop by. (CONTINUED) 108. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 123 CONTINUED: 123 MATT You remember Alex. This is Scottie. Sid. This is Mrs. Speer. JULIE Julie. SCOTTIE Were you friends with my mom? JULIE No, we never met. But I know a lot about her. As they now do often, Matt and Alex exchange a look. MATT Well, we appreciate your coming by. The flowers are lovely. SID (heading to the door) Scottie, Alex. Let's go to the cafeteria. The girls follow Sid's prompt, leaving Matt alone with Julie, standing, a dying woman between them. MATT I, uh, I'm not sure how much you know about my wife's condition, but she's going to die very soon. Any minute, really. That's sort of why we're all here. JULIE I know. That's why I came. Because I know. I came because my husband wouldn't. And that just didn't seem right. I thought someone from my family should come. Wow. MATT I'm sorry I came to your house like that. Just barged in on you. JULIE It's all right. I assume you're angry. Of course you are. I'm angry too. (CONTINUED) 109. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 123 CONTINUED: (2) 123 MATT So he told you, huh? JULIE After you left that night, he was acting really weird. Then I started smelling it all over him. I'd already smelled it. MATT You're a woman. JULIE I finally got it out of him. We've been going crazy ever since. Not easy with the kids around. It's all something I never could have imagined. And then your family's decision about the land. I think you're doing the right thing, but Brian is -- well, it's all so complicated and confusing. MATT I know. JULIE Brian told me everything. Well, how can I ever know it's everything? When did you find out? Have you known for a while? MATT Just a few days ago. JULIE I'm angry, but I'm just so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through. Do you mind if I say something to her? Matt is unsure but what else can he do? Julie approaches the bed. JULIE (CONT'D) Elizabeth, I'm Julie. Brian's wife. I just want to say I forgive you. I forgive you for trying to take Brian. I forgive you for almost destroying my family. I have to forgive you. Even though I want to hate you. (CONTINUED) 110. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 123 CONTINUED: (3) 123 MATT Okay. All right. That's enough, Julie. I think... I think that's enough. Matt walks to the door and opens it. Alex and Sid -- who've clearly had their ears against the door -- scamper away, unnoticed by Matt and Julie. MATT (CONT'D) He didn't love her. Just so you know. He didn't really love her. JULIE That's why I'm here. Julie heads to the door. At the door, she looks at Matt. Matt looks at her. She leaves. Matt is left alone with his wife, and he realizes suddenly that this is his moment. He walks to the bed, takes her hand, rubs his palm over her hair. He says something to her as though silently praying, then realizes he should say it aloud. He presses his lips to hers and puts his hand on her stomach. MATT Goodbye, Elizabeth. Goodbye, my love, my friend, my pain, my joy. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. 124 INT. HOSPICE HALLWAY - DAY 124 The door to Elizabeth's room opens, and Alexandra emerges, a far-away sadness on her face. She walks slowly toward -- A NEARBY WAITING AREA -- where Matt sits with Scottie and Sid. Matt and Sid rise to comfort her, but she's not in the mood. She allows them each to hug her briefly before turning to Scottie. Signaling to Matt to let her do this, Alex escorts a fearful Scottie toward Elizabeth's room, and, reassuring her, guides her little sister inside. Matt and Sid are left alone. 125 EXT. MONTAGE - DAY 125 To be determined. 111- The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 112. 126 EXT. THE OCEAN - DAY 126 PADDLES in the water. A BOX ENCIRCLED BY LEIS sits tied to the seat of a small outrigger CANOE. MATT AND THE GIRLS navigate the canoe through the surf. SCOTTIE How far do we have to go? MATT Not that far. Just past the break. ALEXANDRA Steer straighter, Dad. And a little faster, okay? MATT I'm trying. 127 LATER -- 127 (CONTINUED) 113. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 127 CONTINUED: 127 Matt and the girls simply FLOAT, glancing from time to time * at the urn in Scottie's lap. In the distance loom the hotels * and high-rises of Waikiki. * MATT * Well, here we are, just the four of us. * For the last time. * (then --) * Alex, why don't you start? Scottie, * hand her the box. * Scottie does so. Alexandra takes the box reverently -- she * wants to perform this sad, strange ceremony without messing * up. * She opens the box and pulls out a scoop of ashes, which * Scottie looks at unblinking. Alex looks to Matt, who gives * her the go-ahead, and without further ceremony pours them * into the sea. * THE ASHES * fall densely in one spot, then slowly darken the water and * disappear. * Alex looks down, struck by the weirdness of it all, before * glancing up at Matt. * MATT (CONT'D) * Scottie, you're next. Go ahead, it's * okay. * Alex passes the box and scooper to Scottie. * SCOTTIE * What should I say? * ALEXANDRA * Just say goodbye. * Scottie looks at Alex and scoops out a pile, holds them at * eye-level, and pauses. * MATT * Come on, Scottie. It's okay. * SCOTTIE * (finally) * Bye, Mom. * A sad Scottie pours her scoop into the water. All look down * as the ashes descend. * (CONTINUED) 113A. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 127 CONTINUED: (2) 127 MATT * All right, Scottie, here. Pass that to * me. Good job. * Now Matt takes his turn. He looks directly inside the urn at * the ashes that were once his wife. * ANGLE ON THE ASHES -- HIS POV * A complex series of emotions passes over his face -- love, * grief, disappointment, resignation. * Without further ceremony he upends the BOX over the water and * pours the rest of Elizabeth into the ocean. * All three take a long look as the mass of ashes disappears. * Matt takes off his LEI and places it into the water. The * girls follow suit. * WIDE ANGLE of the boat floating as the leis float away. * 128 INT. KING HOUSE - NIGHT 128 Scottie lies on a sofa watching television, draped with the QUILT that lay atop her mother's hospital bed. Matt comes over with TWO DISHES, hands one to her. MATT One scoop strawberry, one scoop mocha chip. SCOTTIE Great. Matt gets under the quilt with her. Moments later Alexandra wanders in, notices what they're watching, sits next to Matt, pulls the quilt over her legs. ALEXANDRA Can I have some? (CONTINUED) 114. The Descendants PINK Shooting Draft 4/11/10 Draft 128 CONTINUED: 128 His eyes not leaving the TV, Matt hands Alex his ice cream. As they sit there on the sofa, the CREDITS roll quietly over them. THE END

DESPICABLE ME 2 Written by Cinco Paul & Ken Daurio EXT: ARCTIC CIRCLE - DAY Snow and ice as far as the eye can see. What looks like a windowless MILITARY BASE surrounded by barbed wire fences sits in the middle of the wasteland. TITLE CARD: TOP SECRET RESEARCH LABORATORY. ARCTIC CIRCLE. At the GUARD GATE, two RUSSIAN GUARDS play poker using an overturned barrel as a table. Russian Guard 1 shows a five of diamonds... and four Aces. The other Guard folds. Russian Guard 1 LAUGHS and drags in the pile of coins. While he SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN and does a celebratory dance, the coins fly up into the air. Russian Guard 1 stops dancing and sees that the coins are gone. He accuses the other Guard of stealing them. Russian Guard 2 swears he didn't take them. Russian Guard 1 grabs a shovel and wields it menacingly, until it flies up into the air. They both look up to see where it's gone. Then the metal barrel they were using as a table flies up, knocking them over. Russian Guard 2 looks up to see a GIGANTIC MAGNET SHIP LOWERING DOWN FROM ABOVE AND HOVERING OVER THE LABORATORY. A watchtower guard shouts. A door below opens as a bunch of Guards run out and point their guns at the magnet ship. Then...WOOSH! All of their guns are pulled up towards the ship, including the guards themselves, who are strapped to their guns. A SNOWMOBILE lifts off the ground and flies up to the magnet. Other vehicles and small buildings begin to pull away from the ground. Then-- THE ENTIRE LAB STARTS TO GET PULLED UP OUT OF THE GROUND. CLANK! The lab makes contact with the ship. It flies up and down, shaking the scientists and guards off. They fall to the ground. The magnet ship flies away with their lab, vehicles, and weapons. The remaining guards and scientists are strewn across the snow with the remnants of the damaged base. We see a porta- potty door open. A Confused Guard is sitting on the can reading a newspaper, having missed the entire incident. He closes the door. MATCH CUT TO: DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 2. INT: AVL HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT SECURITY FOOTAGE of the research station named PX LABS being carried away by the magnet ship plays on the screens at AVL Headquarters. We see the back of several heads watching the footage. There's a heavy sigh. SILAS Three weeks and we're still no closer to cracking this? No response. SILAS (CONT'D) Right... bring him in. LUCY (O.S.) Yes, sir. EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - DAY Gru steps toward camera, holding some sort of menacing gun, which he loads and cocks. He pulls the trigger, which shoots out an inflatable unicorn balloon. Smiling, he ties it to the windowsill next to some others. EXT: GRU'S BACKYARD - DAY A banner reads: "Happy Birthday Agnes!" and a massive backyard party is in full swing. The yard is decorated with pink balloons and streamers, and a BOUNCY HOUSE shaped like a castle. AGNES and several other LITTLE GIRLS slide down a slide. They are all dressed as princesses, but Agnes is dressed as a princess riding a unicorn. AGNES This is the best party EVER!!! Edith, dressed as a ninja, emerges from beneath a table and climbs across the monkey bars as a series of jousts, blades, and boxing gloves come up from the ground underneath her. She jumps down, narrowly avoiding a bear trap. EDITH Haha! Yeah! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 3. Two LITTLE GIRLS fish in a small kiddie pool. One of the girls pulls up a toy duck and then razzes the other girl, but then a LIVE PIRANHA jumps out and eats the toy duck. A BOY and a GIRL sword fight. The Boy does a bunch of fancy moves. The Girl waits for him to finish and then pounds him on the head with a club. Two kids in the background are on a see-saw made of bombs. Agnes runs into the middle of the yard and points offscreen. AGNES Oh no! A dragon is approaching! All of the kids turn and see KYLE dressed as a dragon. He GRUMBLES and then they SCREAM and huddle around Agnes. Then Margo enters wearing a SUIT OF ARMOR and wielding a SWORD. MARGO Fear not, for here come the gallant knights to save us! She gestures to a group of minions wearing tiny suits of armor and wielding various MEDIEVAL WEAPONS. The Kids CHEER as the minions charge toward Kyle. One accidentally hits another with his sword. A fight ensues in which they use the medieval weapons on each other. One minion pounds another with a MACE. One Minion wanders off from the fight with his helmet on backwards, wildly swinging his mace. Across the yard, Gru is busy grilling burgers and talking on the phone. Not happy. GRU No, no, no! What do you mean she's not coming?! I have a backyard full of these little girls who are counting on a visit from a fairy princess! The mace-swinging Minion walks by and accidently, repeatedly hits Gru with the mace in the shin. GRU (CONT'D) Ah! Hurts! Ah! Stop it! Gru kicks the minion's helmet and chases him off with a spatula, sending him towards the party swinging his mace. Gru SIGHS and returns to the call. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 4. GRU (CONT'D) Listen! I don't want a refund! I want a fairy princess... please! Please, I am begging you. (Resigned) You know what? I hope that you can sleep at night, you crusher of little girls' dreams!!! Gru hits the phone with his spatula and hangs up. Turns and sees Agnes standing there. AGNES Ooh ooh! When's the Fairy Princess coming? Gru stares down at Agnes' big excited eyes. He opens his mouth to tell her the truth, but can't do it. GRU Any minute now! Agnes squeals with excitement and runs off. AGNES Yayyy! Gru looks worried--what do I do now? He signals two minions. GRU Stall them. EXT: BACKYARD - LATER A hand-painted piece of cardboard reading "THE MAGIC SHOW" is placed on an easel. Agnes and all of the little kids sit in a semicircle on the grass. Two minions dressed as magicians are doing a magic act with Edith as their assistant. One minion blows up a balloon and puts it in Edith's mouth. Then the other whips out a CHAINSAW and fires it up, heading toward her. Margo sees this and quickly intervenes. MARGO Whoa! Whoa! Okay, okay, alright. That's enough of the magic show! The minions don't hide their disappointment. MINIONS Awwww. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 5. Margo suddenly looks around as if she just heard something. MARGO Wait, did you hear that? It sounded like the twinkling sounds of magical fairy dust. AGNES (gasps) It's the fairy princess! She's coming! Margo gasps and points up to the sky. MARGO Look! Edith spits out her magic balloon in horror and we follow it up to reveal-- Gru. Dressed in a PUFFY PINK DRESS, fairy wings, glittery eyelashes and tiara and magical wand. Up on top of Gru's house, the minions struggle to lower him down on a rope. Edith's balloon floats by and distracts them. They let go of the rope and Gru swings wildly, smashing into the wall of the house and crashing to the ground. GRU Aaaaaahh! He stands up and tries to cover. Agnes SIGHS HAPPILY, in awe of the fairy princess. GRU (CONT'D) (in falsetto) It is I, Gru...zinkerbell! The most magical fairy princess of all! And I am here to wish Princess Agnes a very happy birthday! Gru sprinkles the girls with glitter and they continue to stare, frozen. Then a LITTLE GIRL raises her hand and speaks with a lisp. LITTLE GIRL How come you're tho fat? Gru grits his teeth, then forces a smile and speaks with a high-pitched, dreamy voice. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 6. GRU Because my house is made of candy and sometimes I eat instead of facing my problems. The girl starts to ask another question. LITTLE GIRL How come you have- Gru cuts her off with a puff of fairy dust to the face. She COUGHS. GRU Okay! Time for cake! As the kids run to the table, Agnes approaches Gru. AGNES Thank you, Gru-zinkerbell. You're the best fairy princess ever! Gru smiles. GRU (in falsetto) You are welcome, little girl. She runs off, but quickly returns. AGNES (whispers in his ear) I know it's really you, Gru. I'm just pretending for the other kids. She runs off again to join her friends. Gru watches her go. Couldn't be happier. Then he is approached by JILLIAN, a heavily-Botoxed mom. JILLIAN Hey there, Gru, Mr. Life of the Party! GRU (forcing a smile) Hello, Jillian. JILLIAN Sooooo, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but my friend Natalie is recently single, and... DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 7. In the background, a homely NATALIE leans against a buffet table and seductively raises her eyebrows at Gru. The table collapses to the ground beneath her. GRU (realizes what's going on) No, no, no, get off of the limb right now. No limb. JILLIAN Oh, come on...she's a riot. She sings karaoke, she has a lot of free time, looks aren't that important to her... In the background, Natalie inadvertently walks in front of a bottle pitch game, is struck by a ball, and falls to the ground. GRU No, Jill's, that is not happening. Seriously. I'm fine. JILLIAN (calling after Gru) Okay, fine. Forget Natalie. How about my cousin Linda? Gru walks off, passing by Edith and Margo. GRU No. JILLIAN Oh, oh! I know someone whose husband just died! SPLASH! Suddenly Jillian is sprayed in the face with water. Reveal Gru holding a HOSE with a SPRAY NOZZLE. GRU I'm sorry. I did not see you there. SPLASH! He sprays her again. She falls down. GRU (CONT'D) Or there. He drops the hose and walks away, CHUCKLING softly. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 8. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DUSK Gru takes Kyle out to the front yard. CAMERA POV A camera with nightvision is watching them. The screen analyzes Kyle and a readout comes out as "SPECIES: UNKNOWN." Kyle sniffs Gru's flowers. GRU Kyle... Kyle! Then it analyzes Gru and the readout says "TARGET ACQUIRED." GRU (CONT'D) Ky--Kyle! No, do not do your business on the petunias! Kyle lifts up his leg next to Gru's flowers. He picks Kyle up and places him next to his neighbor's bush. GRU (CONT'D) There you go. Those are Fred's. Go crazy. Kyle does and the bush immediately withers and dies. Gru CHUCKLES. GRU (CONT'D) Good boy. VOICE (O.S.) Mr. Gru? Gru turns and sees Lucy Wilde standing there. GRU Wha? I didn't... What... Yes? LUCY (holds up her badge) Hi! Agent Lucy Wilde of the AVL. (realizes her badge is upside down) Oh. Whoops. (clears her throat, all business) Sorry, you're gonna have to come with me. GRU Oh, sorry, I--Freeze Ray! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 9. Gru whips out his FREEZE RAY and fires it. A WALL OF ICE heads for Lucy. But before it gets to her, Lucy pulls out a retractable gun from her purse, which acts as a FLAMETHROWER. Melting the ice. LUCY You know you really should announce your weapons after you fire them, Mr. Gru. For example-- She pulls out a LIPSTICK. Fires it at Gru. The tip flies through the air and connects with his chest, latching on. ZZZZZAPPP! It tases him, which sends his body flailing in different funny poses before passing out. LUCY (CONT'D) Lipstick Taser! Oh, it works so good. EXT: STREET - LATER Lucy tries to drag Gru to her car, but he's too heavy. LUCY Man. Ugh. Large...person. She gets an idea. Lucy gets into her car. In the background, we see Gru begin to come to, but he is struck by Lucy's car as she pulls back and is knocked out again. LUCY (CONT'D) Oh...sorry! Closer now, Lucy gets out and stuffs his body into the trunk. Just then Tom and Stuart come out of Gru's garage and see their boss being loaded in. Lucy struggles to close the trunk. LUCY (CONT'D) Get...in...there...you...big...man! SLAM! Lucy finally slams the trunk then quickly gets into the vehicle. Tom and Stuart exchange horrified looks. TOM AND STUART Boss! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 10. They take off running after the car as it pulls away, running as fast as their tiny legs will carry them. They get right behind it and Tom LEAPS up onto the trunk. He reaches his hand out to Stuart, who is falling behind. TOM Koom ey lah! STUART Koom ey lah! Koom ey lah! Stuart leaps for the bumper and Tom catches him by his overall straps. Tom holds on tight as Stuart dangles from the back of the car, his overall straps stretching way out. STUART (CONT'D) Aaaaaaiiieeeaaaiiieeeaaaah! As Lucy turns a corner, he slams into some garbage cans and ends up skiing behind the car in a cardboard box. Now in the box, Stuart continues to ride behind the car, and even starts to get the hang of that, too. He waves at Tom, and Tom waves back. STUART (CONT'D) Woooo! TOM Ooooh! All is good until they go past a clothesline and a sheet gets stuck on Stuart. The sheet forms a parasail which lifts Stuart up into the air. He strikes a Superman flying pose. Then a flock of GEESE fly toward him and one actually slams into his face. STUART Quack quack! It SQUAWKS at him as it flies off. Lucy spots the commotion in her side view mirror and slams on the brakes. SCREECH! Both minions fly forward-- INT: LUCY'S CAR - SAME Lucy sees this, drives forward, and opens the convertible top, causing the Minions to land right in the passenger's seat. They strike threatening karate poses. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 11. TOM AND STUART Hi-YAH!! Lucy tases them and they pass out. She floors it. EXT: STREET - SAME Lucy's car continues driving until it reaches a crowded PIER. And doesn't stop. It drives right off the end of the pier. A confused fisherman leaps for his life. CONFUSED FISHERMAN What the-- Oh! SPLASH! INT: OCEAN - SAME Lucy's car now transforms into an UNDERWATER VEHICLE. As the minions come to, one of them tries playing with the radio until Lucy slaps his hand away. They speed through the sea and an octopus slams into her windshield. She turns on the wipers, which hits the octopus in the face until he's had enough and swims off in a cloud of ink. She HONKS her HORN as she passes through a school of fish. MINIONS Whoa... As the fish pass the Minions look ahead to see a shark heading for them with his mouth open. They SCREAM. Lucy quickly steers the car out of harm's way. They pass by several more sharks until they arrive at a GIANT SUBMARINE with the letters "AVL" on the side. A HATCH opens and Lucy's car goes inside. The hatch closes behind her. INT: AVL SUB - SAME The water drains out from the holding dock. A buffer and hair dryer come out to dry off the car. A squeegee wipes off the windshield. Then the platform the car is on lowers down. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 12. INT: AVL ROOM - DAY Lucy's car lowers into the center of the room as a large circular table assembles around it, effectively locking them in. Lucy and the Minions get out of the car. She pushes a button on her remote and Gru, with a starfish attached to his head, is ejected from the trunk. GRU (groggily) Ugh...ooh...what...where...ah...oh, foot's asleep...ah...pins and needles... SILAS (O.S.) Good afternoon, Mr. Gru. GRU Ehhh... SILAS I apologize for our methods in getting you here. LUCY I don't. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I am not gonna lie--I enjoyed that. Every second of it. Gave me a bit of a buzz, actually. SILAS That's enough, Agent Wilde. LUCY Sorry, sir. GRU Okay, this is bogus! Gru peels the starfish off his head and drops it onto Tom's. Stuart LAUGHS at him. GRU (CONT'D) I don't know who you people think you are, but-- A WAITER comes over with tea for Silas. SILAS We are the Anti-Villain League. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 13. As Silas summons a map that shows all of the AVL offices around the world, Lucy's car drops out of the way. Stuart is trapped on the lowering platform and he scrambles to get back onto stable ground. Silas continues. SILAS (CONT'D) An ultra-secret organization dedicated to fighting crime on a global scale. Rob a bank? We're not interested. Kill someone? Not our deal. But you want to melt the polar ice caps? Or vaporize Mt. Fuji? Or even steal the moon? Then we notice. GRU First of all, you've got no proof that I did that. Second, after I did do that, I put it back! SILAS We're well aware of that, Mr. Gru. That's why we've brought you here. (beat) I am the League's director, Silas Ramsbottom. Upon hearing the name, Tom and Stuart start giggling. TOM Bottom. TOM AND STUART Heeheheeeeheeehee. Silas bristles at this, and glances over at Lucy. SILAS Hilarious. Agent Wilde... LUCY Oh, me now...? She continues the de-briefing, turning to the screens, which show an image of the Magnet Ship stealing the lab. LUCY (CONT'D) Um, recently an entire top secret lab disappeared from the Arctic Circle. Yeah, the entire lab. Just whoosh. Voom! Gone. Where did it go? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 14. GRU I don't care. The screen shows FOOTAGE of a TINY LITTLE BUNNY in a scientific lab. Furry and adorable. LUCY The lab was devoted to experiments involving PX-41, a transmutation serum. What is PX-41, you ask? Mmmm, it's pretty bad... Look. A LABCOAT TECHNICIAN approaches the bunny with a SYRINGE containing the purple liquid. Injects some in its butt. TOM AND STUART Aaah! Instantly the bunny transforms into a HIDEOUS PURPLE MONSTER BUNNY. Gru and the Minions smile, impressed. Then it goes crazy and attacks the scientist. Gru covers his eyes and the Minions pass out. GRU Oh! The bunny attacks the technician, then the camera...and the film is over. GRU (CONT'D) Hmm, you usually don't see that in bunnies. SILAS As you can see, in the wrong hands, the PX-41 serum could be the most devastating weapon on earth. (struggles to get through the opening in the table) Fortunately it has a very distinct chemical footprint, and using the latest chemtracking technology, we found traces of it in the Paradise Mall. On the screens we see images depicting a highly technical diagram of the shopping mall. GRU Ha! A mall? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 15. SILAS Precisely. And we believe that one of these shop owners is a master criminal. Silas scrolls through pictures of the mall's shop owners. SILAS (CONT'D) And that's where you come in. As an ex-villain, you know how a villain thinks, how a villain acts. LUCY The plan is to set you up undercover at a shop in the mall, where hopefully you'll be able to-- GRU Okay, I see where this is going, with all the Mission Impossible stuff, but no. No! I am a father now. And a legitimate businessman. I am developing a line of delicious jams and jellies. Silas shoots him a look. He CHUCKLES. SILAS Jams and...jellies? GRU Oh, attitude! That's right! So thanks, but no thanks. (beat) And here's a tip--instead of tasing people and kidnapping them, maybe you should just give them a call! Good day, Mr. Sheepsbutt! SILAS Ramsbottom. GRU (chuckles) Oh, yeah, like that's any better! Gru turns and heads for the door, followed by Tom and Stuart, who continue to GIGGLE about Ramsbottom's name. EXT: OCEAN - NIGHT Gru exits the AVL headquarters, which he now sees is on a SUBMARINE. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 16. Lucy leans out the door and taps him on the shoulder. LUCY Look, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but your work as a villain was kind of amazing, so if you ever want to get back to doing something awesome--give us a call. She hands Gru her BUSINESS CARD. Gru takes it and stares at it. EXT: OCEAN - LATER Gru rows back to shore as Tom yells to him like a coxswain. Gru GRUNTS with each stroke. TOM ("Stroke!") Mack-oh! Mack-oh! Mack-oh! INT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT Gru carries a sleeping Agnes upstairs. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Gru enters to find Margo and Edith not in bed. Margo is texting someone. GRU (whispers) Hey, I told you guys to get to bed. MARGO Oh, sorry. EDITH So when ya goin' on your date? GRU What? EDITH Remember? Miss Jillian said she was arranging a date for you. GRU Yeah, well, she is a nutjob. And I'm not going on any date. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 17. EDITH Why not? Are you scared? Gru stares back at Edith. Gets a far-away look in his eyes. EXT: PLAYGROUND - FLASHBACK - DAY We flash back to LITTLE GRU on the school playground. He stares, lovesick, at a CUTE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL, named LISA. LISA (to her friends) Hey, did you guys see the moon landing on TV? GIRLS Yeah, I can't believe it. It's so cool... LISA Yeah, and you know what-- Gru approaches her. LITTLE GRU Excuse me, Lisa? But she doesn't notice him. He tries again. LISA (to her friends) I was talking to Billy the other day. GIRLS No way. LISA He is so cute. Gru clears his throat. LISA (CONT'D) And I think he likes me. GRU Hey Lisa, I was wondering if you-- Gru reaches out and taps her shoulder with his pointer finger. Then one of the other little girls points to Gru's finger on Lisa's shoulder. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 18. GIRL Ewww! Gru touched Lisa! Gru touched Lisa! The other girls turn and squeal, horrified. GIRLS Eeeeewww! A little buck-toothed red-haired girl shouts out to the entire playground. RED HAIRED GIRL Lisa's got Grooties! The playground erupts with SCREAMS and everyone turns and runs away. Little Gru is left alone. Crushed. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Gru comes out of the flashback. GRU Scared? Of what? Women?! No, that's bonkers! I just-- I have no interest in going on a date, that's all. Case closed. I'm not scared-- of women... or dates... let's go to bed. Gru gives each girl a goodnight kiss. GRU (CONT'D) Goodnight, Edith. Then he goes over to Margo, who's already in bed. GRU (CONT'D) Goodnight, Margo. She continues texting as he gives her a kiss. GRU (CONT'D) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Well, hold the horses. Who are you texting? MARGO No one. Just my friend Avery. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 19. GRU Avery... Avery? Is that a girl's name or a boy's name? MARGO Does it matter? GRU No, no, it doesn't matter... Unless it's a boy! AGNES I know what makes you a boy. Gru turns to Agnes, concerned. GRU Uh...oooh...you...do? AGNES Your bald head. Gru nods, relieved. GRU Oh, yes... AGNES It's really smooth. Sometimes I stare at it and imagine a little chick popping out. Peep peep peep. Gru sighs and gives her a kiss. GRU Goodnight, Agnes. Never get older. Gru turns out the light and leaves the room. INT: LAB - DAY Gru rides the elevator tube down to his lab, passing minions in various stages of jelly making. A sign reading, JELLY TESTING AREA" has been hastily pasted over a nuclear warning sign. A SUPERVISOR MINION checks his clipboard as the MINION next to him steals a banana from his pocket. He turns, but the Minion who stole the banana has hidden it in his mouth. We see the ends of the banana pushing out his cheeks. SUPERVISOR MINION Hey, oh! Me banana! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 20. The Minion with the banana in his mouth shrugs. A single apple is passed down a line of Minions in the least efficient way possible. A few Minions mash fruits in large vats ala "I Love Lucy." One wears a bunch of fruit on his head like Carmen Miranda and sings the CHIQUITA BANANA song. His supervisor comes over and tells him to get back to work. The Minion tries to get out of the vat of fruit, but slips and falls down into a large test-tube filled with mashed fruit. Then all of the mashed fruit is flushed down a large hole where it is injected into jelly jars passing by on a conveyor belt. The trapped Minion is injected into one of the jars. Gru enters the lab and greets the minions. GRU Hey, Tim, nice haircut! He points at Tim. GRU (CONT'D) Donnie, hang in there, baby! It's almost Friday. Gru high-fives Donnie as he approaches Dr. Nefario. GRU (CONT'D) So, how's today's batch, Dr. Nefario? DR. NEFARIO I developed a new formula which allowed me to get every known kind of berry into one flavor of jelly. Gru sticks his finger in and tastes the purple goo in the jar. Makes a disgusted face, then attempts a smile. GRU (faking it) That tastes good... (gags) Love the flavor of that... DR. NEFARIO It's horrible, isn't it? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 21. GRU No! No! Oh, we're making great progress! (to the Minions) Here, try some of this. He hands a jar to a minion, who tries it. He GAGS! Another minion tastes some and scrapes it off his tongue. They smash the jar and all the minions run away, disgusted. GRU (CONT'D) Whoa... okay, just because everybody hates it doesn't mean it's not good. Dr. Nefario hangs his head. DR. NEFARIO Listen, Gru. There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about for some time now. GRU What? What's wrong? DR. NEFARIO (clears his throat) I miss being evil. Sinister plots, large-scale crimes...It's what I live for! I mean, don't you think there's more to our future than jelly? GRU Well, I'm also considering a line of jams... DR. NEFARIO Um...the thing is, Gru... (deep breath) I've had an offer of employment elsewhere. GRU Dr. Nefario! Come on, you're kidding, right? DR. NEFARIO It's a great opportunity for me, bigger lab, more evil, full dental... Dr. Nefario presses a button and his stuff folds itself up into a traveling suitcase. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 22. Dr. Nefario hangs his head. Gru stares back at his old friend. GRU Very well. Let us give you the proper send-off. (calls off screen) Minions! INT: GRU'S LAB - LATER Seven minions are lined up with seven fart guns. Dr. Nefario sits in his scooter. GRU The highest honor awarded. To Dr. Nefario for your years of service. The twenty-one fart gun salute! FART! FART! FART! Dr. Nefario COUGHS. His eyes are watering (and not only from the smell). DR. NEFARIO Uh, I counted twenty-two. Dave CHUCKLES, guilty. Dr. Nefario fires up the scooter. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) Farewell, my friends. The minions CRY. Dr. Nefario pushes another button on the scooter, transforming it into flying mode. He GUNS the engine and it begins flying away. At the slowest pace possible. Everyone just stands there awkwardly. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) This may take a while. Go about your business. Everyone walks off. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) I miss you already! Gru examines Lucy's business card. Makes a decision. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT The shadow of a mysterious figure approaches Gru's front door. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 23. EXT: GRU'S FOYER - NIGHT A Minion wears a French Maid's outfit and SINGS as he vacuums the floor. The doorbell rings. The Minion opens the door to see who it is. FRENCH MAID MINION Hello? A shadow falls across the terrified minion as something unseen abducts him. EXT: GRU'S FOYER - LATER The vacuum moves back and forth across the floor by itself. Another Minion walks by wearing a different Maid outfit. He doesn't see the other Minion and closes the door. Then he opens it again, cleans the doorknob, and closes it. INT: FAMILY ROOM - DAY It's morning at Gru's house. Margo and Agnes sit on the couch with a LAPTOP. Edith leans over the top of the couch, looking on. AGNES Are you sure we should be doing this? MARGO Yes, it's for his own good. On the screen is a DATING WEBSITE (CREATE-A-DATE.NET)--the girls are creating a profile for Gru. MARGO (CONT'D) Okay, we need to choose a picture. Margo clicks through pictures of Gru. Each one is worse than the last. AGNES No. CLICK. AGNES (CONT'D) Scary. CLICK. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 24. EDITH Weird. CLICK. The next picture is of Gru in a bathing suit. The girls react in horror. GIRLS Aaaaaah!!! Margo covers Agnes's eyes. AGNES What is that?! Gru enters the family room. GRU Good morning, girls! I have an announcement to make. MARGO Hey, what celebrity do you look like? GRU Ummm...Bruce Willis. The girls stare at him blankly. MARGO Mmmm...no. AGNES Humpty Dumpty! EDITH Ooh, Gollum! The girls LAUGH. GRU Okay, what are you doing? AGNES We're signing you up for online dating! GRU Oh, okay...WHAT?! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Gru grabs the laptop away from the girls. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 25. EDITH Aw come on, it's fun. MARGO And it's time for you to get out there. GRU No! Stop! No one is ever getting out there! Ever! Gru hands a Minion the laptop, accidentally hitting him in the face. GRU (CONT'D) Okay, now for the announcement: I have accepted a new job. MARGO Whoa--really? GRU Yes, I have been recruited by a top secret agency to go undercover and save the world! EDITH You're gonna be a spy?! GRU That's right, baby! Gru's back in the game! With gadgets and weapons and cool cars...the whole deal. EDITH Awesome! Agnes looks up at him in awe. AGNES Are you really gonna save the world? Gru looks at Agnes. GRU Yes. Yes I am. He coolly puts on a pair of sunglasses. We pan to Dave mimicking Gru with a pair of sunglasses. DAVE Mocha! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 26. And then to Kevin dressed in an Amish beard and tie. KEVIN Cacao! And then Stuart dressed as a little girl with pigtails. STUART Papadam? EXT: MALL - DAY Establishing. INT: MALL - SAME Gru comes down the escalator wearing the sunglasses, with the three disguised Minions behind him. Stuart gets his dress caught in the escalator. It comes off and he hides in a nearby potted plant. Gru glances at a store called the "EAGLE HAIR CLUB." He then arrives at a charming, pink CUPCAKE STORE. The sign reads, "BAKE MY DAY" Gru frowns and takes off his sunglasses. GRU Hm. "Bake My Day." Blech. INT: BAKE MY DAY - CONTINUOUS Gru unlocks the door and enters. JINGLE! BELLS on the door ring. The inside is sugary and clean and quaint. Gru takes it all in. Then turns to the minions. GRU Alright, here is the cupcake recipe I got off the internet. The minions excitedly grab the recipe and head for the kitchen. Gru kicks Stuart, who is still staggering around in the potted plant. GRU (CONT'D) And don't go nuts with the sprinkles! Gru is left alone. He looks around. Sees a BUNNY CUPCAKE in a glass cake dish. Then a SHARK CUPCAKE in the next cake dish. And in the next dish he sees Lucy's head. She makes a funny face. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 27. Gru SCREAMS, which causes Lucy to SCREAM and jump up, hitting her head on one of the shelves, sending all of the CUPCAKES flying. Lucy immediately goes into action, using incredible and frankly weird-looking MARTIAL ARTS MOVES to dispatch the cupcakes as they fly toward her. LUCY Ha! Yaa! Ho! Ooof! Zaaa! Ay-ay- ay-ay-ay! She successfully eliminates all of the cupcakes, then turns to Gru, out of breath. LUCY (CONT'D) Whoo. Wasn't expecting that. (strikes a martial arts pose) Or was I? Gru has a cupcake stuck to the top of his head, frosting side down. Lucy gestures as if he's got a little food on his face. LUCY (CONT'D) Ooh... you got... You got... a little... The cupcake slowly slides down, then falls to the floor. It leaves a long smear on Gru's face. LUCY (CONT'D) Here, I'll-- I'll get it. Gru stands frozen as she tries to clean him up. LUCY (CONT'D) Oh, that's just spreading...um... GRU Alright, alright. I got it. I got it!... Stop it! Lucy backs off. LUCY Oh! I'll let you get it. Gru SIGHS and wipes the frosting off his face. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 28. LUCY (CONT'D) Yeah, what you just saw there was a little something new I've been working on. It's a combination of Jujitsu, Krav Maga, Aztec warfare, and krumping. GRU Okay, that's weird--why are you here? LUCY On assignment from Silas. I'm your new partner. Yay! GRU What?! No, no "yay." Ramsbottom didn't say anything about a partner. LUCY Well, seems that because of your checkered past, everyone else refused to work with you. But not me. I stepped up. And I'm new, so I kind of have to do what they tell me anyway. Gru is about to respond when Dave the minion comes out the kitchen door. He carries a cupcake in the shape of a Minion. DAVE Walla! Immediately Lucy moves with lightning-quick reflexes. She smashes his cupcake, flips him into the air, and pins him to the counter. Dave SCREAMS. LUCY You know this guy? GRU Yes, he's one of my minions. LUCY Oh, I'm sorry. I should have known. She releases him. LUCY (CONT'D) You're free to go. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 29. Dave stares at Lucy. Immediately smitten. A magical glow appears around her as romantic music plays. We go into Dave's fantasy. EXT: BEACH - DAY - FANTASY Dave and Lucy run along a beach together hand in hand. EXT: FIELD - DAY - FANTASY Dave and Lucy have a romantic picnic together. They toast each other with champagne. Dave drinks from the bottle. EXT: BRIDGE - NIGHT - FANTASY Lucy and Dave sit on the railing of a moonlit footbridge. Both fire ROCKETS into the air to create fireworks and are about to kiss when-- GRU (V.O.) Dave... INT: BAKE MY DAY - DAY Back to reality, where Dave is staring up at Lucy, lovestruck. GRU Earth to Dave! You can leave now. Dave goes back into the kitchen, never taking his eyes off of Lucy. INT: MALL - DAY CLOSE ON the Giant Cupcake on top of the cupcake shop. The CHERRY on the Giant Cupcake rotates, revealing a CAMERA hidden inside. VZZZZZT! The lens zooms. GRU (O.S.) Now, what do we got? Who's on the list? Fire `em at me. INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Gru and Lucy stand next to each other under a domed lamp lowered from the ceiling. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 30. Inside the dome of the lamp, Gru and Lucy are uncomfortably close together looking at a video screen. LUCY First suspect...Hedda Blumentoft, proprietor of Mum's the Word Floral Shop. The camera moves over to Mum's the Word Floral Shop and HEDDA BLUMENTOFT. GRU No. Not her. LUCY Okay, moving on... The camera moves over to the "Stuff-A-Bear" store. CHUCK KINNEY, a small perky man, holds up an empty teddy bear skin for a little boy. LUCY (CONT'D) Chuck Kinney, owner of "Stuff-A- Bear." Kinney shoves the teddy bear's butt onto a sharp metal tube. The bear inflates until it EXPLODES into a torrent of bear skin and stuffing. The little boy CRIES. LUCY (CONT'D) Ooh. GRU I don't think so. DING-A-LING-A-LING! The bell rings on the cupcake shop's front door, signaling a customer. EDUARDO (O.S.) Hello? GRU Oh! Gru and Lucy quickly hide their equipment, look up and see EDUARDO PEREZ at the door. They try to act natural. EDUARDO Buenos dias, my friends! I am Eduardo Perez, owner of Salsa & Salsa Restaurant, across the mall. Now open for breakfast. And you are? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 31. GRU Gru. And this is Lucy. And we are closed. EDUARDO This is just gonna take un momento. I am throwing a big Cinco de Mayo party, and I am going to need two hundred of your best cupcakes decorated with the Mexican flag. It looks something like this. He rips open his shirt, revealing a TATTOO of the Mexican flag on his chest. EDUARDO (CONT'D) What do you think? He flexes and makes it wave. Gru hides his eyes. GRU Look away! Lucy stares at it. LUCY You-- Whoa... Hooo... EDUARDO Anyway, I have to go. It's all settled! I pick `em up next week! Have a good day. Come by if you get a chance, okay? He exits. Gru GROANS, relieved. Finally! Then Eduardo pops back in. EDUARDO (CONT'D) And welcome to the mall family! Gru studies Eduardo's face and GASPS. He pictures Eduardo in a red luchador mask surrounded by flames. Eduardo turns and leaves. As soon as the door closes-- GRU (whispers) El Macho. LUCY What? GRU But it couldn't be... DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 32. LUCY Wha-- What? What couldn't be?? GRU That guy looks exactly like a villain named El Macho. From about twenty years ago. EXT: DESERT - DAY - FLASHBACK Classic Spaghetti western sepia-toned shot of El Macho looking menacing. He looks like the large Hispanic man from the mall, only younger and wearing a Lucha Libre outfit and mask (a mask which looks similar to the one Gru imagined). El Macho pushes the BARKEEP out of the way and grabs a large bottle from behind the bar. GRU (V.O.) He was ruthless. He was dangerous. And as the name implies, very macho. El Macho pours himself a shot and then smashes the bottle over his own head. He reaches down and pulls up a rattlesnake from below the bar. He squeezes its head, squirting venom into the shot glass. He drinks it down and then eats the glass. He sticks the snake's fangs into a few dollars that he leaves on the bar, before breaking through the wall behind him, leaving an EL Macho-shaped hole. EXT: STREET - DAY - FLASHBACK El Macho head butts an armored truck and approaches the passenger side window. GRU (V.O.) He had a reputation for pulling off heists using only his bare hands. When the ARMED GUARDS look over he punches through the bullet- proof glass, knocking them both out of the truck. Then he lifts the truck onto his back and runs down the street with it. GRU (V.O.) Ah, but sadly, like all the greats, El Macho was gone too soon. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 33. EXT: SKY - DAY - PAST A bird, flying in the air, is suddenly struck by an airplane. GRU (V.O.) He died in the most macho way possible. El Macho leaps out of the plane riding a SHARK, a ton of DYNAMITE strapped to him. He plummets toward the mouth of an ACTIVE VOLCANO. GRU (V.O.) Riding a shark with 250 pounds of dynamite strapped to his chest into the mouth of an active volcano. He pulls two grenades from behind his back, yanks the pins, and holds onto them as he plunges into the volcano. There is a MASSIVE EXPLOSION. GRU (V.O.) It was glorious. INT: BAKE MY DAY - DAY Lucy stares at Gru, confused. LUCY Yeah, sounds like El Macho's pretty dead... GRU They never found the body. Oh no. All that was ever retrieved was a pile of singed chest hair. (beat) But... that face. It has got to be El Macho. Lucy gets an excited look on her face. LUCY Then what do you say you and I break into his restaurant? Tonight. Gru nods at Lucy's invitation. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 34. GRU Yes, that's good, because I'm telling you--if anybody in this place has the PX-41 serum... Gru looks out the window and points at Eduardo riding up on the escalator, scratching his butt. GRU (CONT'D) ...it's him. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Gru enters and pushes the girls into their beds like a tour guide anxious to finish a tour. GRU Alright, alright, homework done, pajamas on, teeth brushed, time for bed. MARGO What's the big hurry? GRU I just... I have a lot of work to do. EDITH Work, what kind of work? GRU Very important business. So...hugs, kisses... (hugs and kisses them) ...good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs blah-blah-blah-blah- blah-- Gru turns to leave, but Agnes is standing at the doorway. AGNES But you said you'd help me practice my part for the Mother's Day show! Gru looks down at Agnes' puppy dog eyes. He SIGHS. GRU Fine, fine... Let me hear it. Quickly. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 35. INT: GRU'S FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT On Agnes. She gives her lines. AGNES (robotically) She kisses my boo-boos She braids my hair My mother is beyond compare We love you, mothers, everywhere! Gru frowns. GRU Wow! That was...something else. I really liked the way you smiled at the end. Let's try this one more time, but a teensy bit less like a zombie, okay? AGNES Okay. (still monotone) She kisses my boo-boos She braids my hair-- GRU Perfect! Time to go! As he heads for the door-- AGNES I don't think I should do this. This stops Gru. GRU Well, what do you mean? Why not? AGNES I don't even have a mom. Ouch. But Gru tries not to let this affect him. GRU Well, you don't need one to do the show. I mean, you did the Veterans Day Pageant and you haven't been in combat. Agnes looks up at Gru. AGNES This is different. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 36. GRU Okay, well, then...maybe you can just use your imagination. AGNES You mean I pretend I have a mom? GRU Yes, right. You can do that, can't you? Agnes smiles. AGNES Yeah! I do that all the time! Thanks, Gru! She gives him a kiss and runs off. Gru watches her go, deep in thought. INT: REC ROOM - NIGHT TWO MINIONS raise their ice cream sundaes and clink them together! MINIONS Hey! Pull back to reveal many minions singing and dancing. We move through the crowd, passing by the mace-wielding minion with his helmet still backwards and a smaller server minion with a tray of ice cream sundaes in mugs. We cut up to the rafters, where more minions are dancing and singing in formation, jumping and hopping all over the place in elaborate dance routines. Back on the floor, three arm-in-arm minions take the chorus. One of them clearly having had one too many sundaes is being held up by the other two. Another minion tries to carry empty mugs down a spiral staircase, but he's knocked off by a bunch of minions running up the other way. Several minions sit around a communal bowl of ice cream, lazily sipping at it through long straws. Gru enters and takes it all in. Other minions raid an ice cream cart, hanging from the canopy, drinking directly from the spouts. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 37. GRU Alright, hey, hey-- No, no, no, no! Hey, please! The Minions stop singing. GRU (CONT'D) Kevin, Jerry, watch the girls for me, okay? (points) Dave, Stuart--come this way. With me! Come on! Dave downs a jar of maraschino cherries and sprays whip cream into his mouth before running after them, with a toothpick umbrella in his mouth for good measure. GRU (O.S.) (CONT'D) Come on! Once they are gone, the Minions go back to singing and laughing. INT: GIRLS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Margo, Edith and Agnes are fast asleep in their beds. Kevin and Jerry sing them a lullaby. Then smile and quietly close the door. INT: HALLWAY - SAME Kevin holds up a golf ball. Jerry happily jumps up and down. KEVIN Hey, putt-putt? JERRY Oh! INT: LIVING ROOM - LATER Jerry puts the tee and ball in his mouth as Kevin stands on a dresser, preparing to take a swing. He asks Jerry if he's ready and Jerry gives a thumbs up. KEVIN Una, doo-- (laughs as he lowers the golf club to Jerry's head) DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 38. CRASH! CLANG! A noise comes from the backyard. The minions exchange looks. What was that? EXT: BACKYARD - NIGHT Kevin and Jerry step out into the yard and look around nervously, armed only with the golf club and tee. KEVIN Boca! JERRY (scared) Boca! They walk over to the garbage cans. The cans begins to rattle. Kevin and Jerry SCREAM as a CAT pops up from one of the cans. The cat MEOWS. Kevin LAUGHS at him and imitates Jerry's scared face. KEVIN Looka too! Jerry slaps him. Kevin slaps him back. They start to slap fight until-- A SPOTLIGHT comes down from above, lighting up the terrified minions. Before they can scream... WOOSH! Jerry is sucked up into the air as if being abducted by aliens. Kevin grabs onto a flower, and then the cat to try and anchor himself down, but they both fly up into the air. The light goes out. A few seconds later the light comes back on and drops the cat back down. It turns off again and the Minions are gone. EXT: MALL - NIGHT The mall is dark and the parking lot is empty, except for two minions and Lucy's car. INT: MALL - SAME A lone SECURITY GUARD walks through the dark mall, listening to music on his headphones. He passes by Eduardo's Salsa & Salsa. Shines his light inside. All clear. He moves on. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 39. Once the guard is gone, a floor tile is moved aside and Gru peeks out. After making sure the coast is clear, Gru calls down. GRU (whispers) We're stealth ninjas. We make no sound. LUCY Right. Gotcha. INT: EDUARDO'S SALSA & SALSA - LATER Lucy kicks the door open. She enters. Gru reacts. GRU Alright, El Macho, you're going down. But before Gru takes a step, Lucy stops him. LUCY Wait! Wait! GRU What? She produces a SPRAY CAN and sprays the air in front of her. Gru frowns. GRU (CONT'D) What are you doing? LUCY I'm checking for laser beam alarm triggers. GRU It's a restaurant! LUCY You never know what kind of booby traps this guy could have set. Huh? C'mon! GRU There are no booby traps! Gru takes a step and kicks a TRIPWIRE attached to a tiny bell. TING-A-LING! Lucy points to the bell. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 40. LUCY Ha! Booby! Lucy GASPS as a door begins to creak open. She hides behind Gru. A tiny CHICKEN hops out. It CLUCKS. Lucy is confused. LUCY (CONT'D) Oh. There's a chicken. Are you lost little guy? You must be lost! GRU Ha! Some guard dog. Suddenly, the chicken leaps into the air and lands on Gru, pecking his bald head. GRU (CONT'D) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiigh! Gru runs in circles, trying to get the chicken off. GRU (CONT'D) Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Gru SCREAMS as the chicken goes up his shirt and bursts out of his sweater through the chest, "Alien"-style. He grabs it. GRU (CONT'D) I got you! It pecks him on the head, escapes, and continues to attack him. Lucy thinks fast and grabs a tablecloth from a table. She lunges and covers the chicken with the table cloth. LUCY I got it! Ha! She tightens the tablecloth around Gru's neck, trapping the chicken and Gru's head inside. A muffled scream comes from under the table cloth and Lucy realizes what she's done. Gru runs around trying to get the tablecloth off his head. Lucy does a karate flip/body slam on Gru and the chicken. She removes the table cloth. Gru's head has been replaced by the chicken! LUCY (CONT'D) Ha! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 41. She goes to karate chop the chicken, but it flies off and she hits Gru in the face instead. LUCY (CONT'D) Oh! The chicken regroups, CLUCKS, and attacks. Lucy acts fast and presses a button on her watch, squirting FOAM onto the chicken. FSSSSSSHT! The foam instantly hardens into a glass ball around the chicken. Only its head sticks out. It wobbles back and forth like a Weeble. Lucy turns to Gru. GRU (dazed) Ugh... LUCY What is wrong with that chicken? (beat) Hey, that pollo? Es loco. Gru is unimpressed. LUCY (CONT'D) (noticing Gru's wounds) No? Okay, let's go. INT: KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Gru and Lucy step into the kitchen. Lucy pulls out a HIGH- TECH SCANNING DEVICE and aims it around the kitchen. GRU You getting anything? LUCY No. Not yet. But hey, maybe you can find something with these x-ray goggles. Lucy produces a pair of HIGH TECH goggles. Gru shakes his head. GRU (skeptically) Bah... Gru puts them on and looks around the kitchen. We now see the room from his X-RAY POV. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 42. LUCY (O.S.) How're they working? Tell me, tell me! Gru turns to Lucy and sees her as a SKELETON. GRU Ahh! Ooof! LUCY What's wrong? Something wrong? GRU Oh, that's an image I'll never get out of my brain. Blagh! Gru makes a face, disturbed. Then quickly turns away and spots something behind a painting on the wall...a safe. Sees something inside it--a METAL CANISTER. Smiles. GRU (CONT'D) I knew it! He goes to the wall and removes the painting, revealing the SAFE. GRU (CONT'D) The serum is in here! LUCY Ooh, then let's get it! He produces a SAFE-CRACKING DEVICE and places it over the combination wheel. Lights blink and it goes to work. GRU (gleefully giggling) Oh, this is going to be good! Ahh... CLICK. The safe opens, revealing--a JAR OF SALSA ("EDUARDO'S SECRET RECIPE"). GRU (CONT'D) A-ha! (registering it's not the serum) What? It's... salsa? LUCY (disappointed) Awww man. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 43. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo enters the restaurant. Senses something isn't right. Frowns angrily. EDUARDO Oh... somebody's going to die tonight. He cautiously walks through the restaurant. Sees the chicken in the ball of cement. Gasps. EDUARDO (CONT'D) Pollito! Eduardo runs over to Pollito and picks him up. EDUARDO (CONT'D) What'd they do to you? Pollito? Can you hear me? POLLITO Boc! EDUARDO Who would do this to such a sweet little chicken? What? Who's there? His eyes darken. INT: KITCHEN - SAME Gru and Lucy, who are ravenously eating the delicious salsa with chips, turn to the door. Uh-oh. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo, carrying the chicken, makes his way to the kitchen. Grabs a LARGE KNIFE off of a table. EDUARDO You coming out?! Or am I gonna go in?! INT: KITCHEN - SAME Gru and Lucy react to hearing Eduardo's voice. Gru pulls a LASER CUTTER out of his jacket. Aims it at the ceiling. TWEEEE! The LASER fires, cutting a hole in the ceiling. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 44. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Eduardo approaches the kitchen, brandishing the knife. Ready to confront any intruders. He shoves open the door and sees chips and the salsa container sitting in the open wall safe. INT: KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Eduardo enters the room, just in time to see a pair of legs disappear into the ceiling. EDUARDO Stop! Lucy quickly pops down and hits him in the eyes with her foam- shooting watch. EDUARDO (CONT'D) My eyes! He rubs his eyes, dropping the chicken and cracking its encasement. INT: MALL - SAME Lucy and Gru quickly run through the mall. LUCY Gru, call one of your munchkins! Gru produces a communicator and calls into it. GRU We've been spotted! Come get us! INT: LUCY'S CAR - SAME One minion sits on the hood of the car. The other leans against a tire, toothpick in his mouth. DAVE Huh? (to the other minion) Hey! Loo-koo-meow-plah! STUART Ah! Koom-kwat! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 45. INT: MALL - SAME SMASH! The car crashes through the glass doors and speeds through the mall. They crash into a bunch of cleaning supplies being pushed by a janitor. Gru and Lucy watch them from the balcony above. LUCY Hm. Subtle. They both run over to meet the car at the escalators. The car heads for the escalators. As they reach the bottom, Gru and Lucy realize the minions are about to go up the other one! GRU Over here, over here! Over... here. Too late. The minions shake as they go up the bumpy stairs. Once they reach the top they take a left and start driving in circles around the balcony. Gru pulls out a grappling hook and aims for the balcony railing. GRU (CONT'D) (grabbing Lucy) Hold tight! They shoot up and land right back where they started - at Salsa & Salsa! The minions zoom by in the car and Gru SIGHS in exasperation. Just then, Eduardo emerges from the restaurant with fire in his eyes and a knife in his hand. Eduardo produces many more KNIVES and heads straight for them. EDUARDO I have you now! BAM! Eduardo is struck unconscious by Lucy's car. Just in time. Lucy opens the car door. One of the minions holds a toothpick in his hand and leans on the steering wheel, seductively. DAVE Rawr, rawr! The other minion revs the engine suggestively. Eduardo starts to wake up. The car zooms past him. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 46. EXT: MALL DOME - SAME CRASH! Lucy's car plummets towards the ground. Gru SCREAMS hysterically, but Lucy just hits a button and the car TRANSFORMS into a jet. They fly off into the night sky. EXT: GRU'S NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING It's a beautiful morning. An ICE CREAM TRUCK makes its way down the street (playing the song the minions were singing earlier). It stops and a couple of CHILDREN run to meet it. Stuart opens Gru's front door, having heard the commotion. Two other minions approach as well. Stuart spots the ice cream truck and points to it, excited. STUART Oh! Oh! Gelato! And then suddenly a MOB OF MINIONS appears running for the ice cream truck alongside the group of children. The minions shove the children aside and clamor around the truck holding out their money. MINIONS Gelato! Gelato! Gelato! Stuart pushes himself to the top of the unruly pack and tries to maintain order. STUART Stopa! Stopa!! A hush comes over the minions. STUART (CONT'D) (knocking on the truck) Hey-ho! Gelato! Suddenly the ice cream cone on top of the truck transforms into a LARGE TUBE and extends itself above the minions. Stuart offers the tube a wad of cash and attempts to order gelato, but the it begins SUCKING the minions into it. ZUP! ZUP! ZUP! One by one the minions (dozens of them, including the minion with his head still trapped in the jelly jar) are sucked into the truck until there is only one left. He tries to make a break for it, but the truck lowers a popsicle in front of him. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 47. He licks it, his tongue sticks, and he is yanked back into the ice cream cone. The it closes and the truck drives away. The children look on puzzled. EXT: PARADISE MALL - DAY The hole that Lucy's car crashed through last night has been patched with plywood boards. INT: PARADISE MALL - DAY PULL BACK TO REVEAL that Gru is inside a GARBAGE CAN DISGUISE. Next to him is Lucy, also in a GARBAGE CAN DISGUISE, using binoculars. LUCY (O.S.) All right, there he is. Suspect #8: Floyd Eaglesan. BINOCULARS POV Floyd Eaglesan attempts to entice a customer to visit his business, Eagle Hair Club. GRU Oh. Okay. LUCY See if you can get closer. Go...go. Gru quickly stands up, revealing his legs, and takes several steps toward Eagle Hair Club. Floyd looks over his shoulder, and Gru stops. Floyd enters Eagle Hair Club and Gru inches closer. GRU Alright, what do-- BINOCULARS POV Suddenly a MAN approaches the trash can with a steaming cup of coffee. The binoculars readout says "WARNING! EXTREMELY HOT." GRU (CONT'D) (to himself) Oh no. That's not good. The man goes to throw the coffee in the trash and we see Gru's legs pop out from beneath the can. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 48. The man looks confused and tries again. Gru dodges and takes off running. The man chases after him. Gru accidentally knocks into a bent-over woman's rear end. Insulted, she turns around, sees the man with the coffee, and slaps him across the face. Unfortunately, Gru doesn't see the escalator ahead and goes tumbling down the moving stairs. CRASH! BANG! CLANG! Finally, Gru pops out of the trash can and lands at the bottom of the escalator with a THUD! Flat on his face, he hears a familiar voice call out. AGNES (O.S.) Hey Gru! Gru looks up and sees Margo, Edith and Agnes. GRU Oh! Girls! What are you doing here? MARGO Well, we thought we'd come visit you at work. (looks at Gru and the trash can) So, you're saving the world in a garbage can? GRU (sarcastically) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...funny. Lucy arrives on the scene, joining them. LUCY Hey, there you are. Oh, who's this? GRU Lucy, these are my girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes. Girls, Lucy. Lucy, girls. MARGO Hello. EDITH Hi. Agnes gazes lovingly at Lucy. A magical glow appears around Lucy, who smiles back. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 49. AGNES Are you single? LUCY Oh! Goodness... Gru, immediately uncomfortable, claps his hands together. GRU Oh! Hey! I have an idea! Since Lucy and I have lots of work to do, why don't you girls go and explore the mall! Gru quickly shuffles the girls away from Lucy, trying to get out of the uncomfortable situation. Gru pulls out his wallet. GRU (CONT'D) Here is some money. Go buy some useless mall junk! Some headbands, and-- AGNES Are you gonna marry Lucy? GRU Are you out of your gourd? No! She just works with me. AGNES Plus you love her. (sings) You love her, you love her, you really really love her, and you're gonna get married, and I will be the flower girl, and-- GRU Okay, stop! That is a song of lies. I don't even like her! (points to mall) Now go have fun! Gru SIGHS. The girls run off, but quickly return to hug Gru. AGNES Almost forgot! Hugs! MARGO Good luck saving the world. Bye! AGNES Bye, Gru! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 50. Lucy watches the group hug. Smiles. Gru heads back over to Lucy, embarrassed by Agnes. GRU Ha, ha, ha! Kids...right? They're...funny. LUCY Those girls totally adore you. I bet you're a fun dad. GRU Huh. (beat) I am pretty fun. INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY The girls are at the MALL FOUNTAIN. Agnes has her eyes closed and a very intense look on her face, as if she's really concentrating on something. There is something in her tightly clenched fist. She tosses a PENNY. Then opens her eyes, waiting for her wish to come true. Then Edith emerges from the water wearing a DIVING MASK AND SNORKEL, hands full of COINS. AGNES Is that stealing? EDITH Not if my wish was that I would get a lot of free coins. Margo is busy texting. Then something offscreen catches her eye. It's a boy. This is ANTONIO. Suave, cool, and a bit dangerous. We watch in SLOW MOTION as he strolls behind the fountain, and then disappears in its spraying water. Margo looks for Antonio. Backs into the fountain and nearly falls into it. MARGO Whoa! Antonio catches her. ANTONIO Cool glasses. Margo CHUCKLES nervously. He helps her back up. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 51. ANTONIO (CONT'D) I'm Antonio. MARGO I'm...Margo. ANTONIO I was just going to get a cookie. Care to join me? MARGO Uh, sure. I'm...Margo. They begin walking away together, then Margo is reminded of her sisters when Edith loudly clears her throat. MARGO (CONT'D) Um...I'll catch up with you guys later. Bye! She turns and runs after Antonio. EDITH Can I be the first to say...Ewwww! Agnes grabs Edith and shakes her. AGNES We gotta go tell Gru! EXT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - DAY Gru approaches Eagle Hair Club. GRU All right, I'm going in. LUCY (IN HEADPHONES) If it picks up any traces of the serum the sensor in your belt buckle-- Gru activates the high-tech scanning device on his belt buckle. INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Lucy is in the cupcake shop monitoring the scanning device results. She can hear him and see from his POV. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 52. LUCY --will make a sound like this-- MEE- MO-MEE-MO-MEE-MO!!! GRU (annoyed) Okay! I get it! I get it! INT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - SAME Gru fumbles with the automatic door, then enters Eagle Hair Club. FLOYD (O.S.) (chuckles) Welcome to Eagle Hair Club. At the reception desk, a large chair shaped like an eagle spins around. Sitting in the chair is Floyd, looking sinister and petting a FURRY OBJECT that looks like a cat. FLOYD (CONT'D) It's about time you showed up...Mr. Gru. His pet BALD EAGLE perched next to him SQUAWKS. GRU You...know my name? FLOYD (chuckles) When someone moves into the mall who is follically challenged, I make it my business to know all about them. You are bald. And that is bad. He strokes the furry object. Kisses it. Then places it on a MANNEQUIN HEAD. It's a TOUPEE. FLOYD (CONT'D) There you go, my sweet. INT: BAKE MY DAY - SAME Lucy monitors the chem-tracking device from inside the shop. LUCY I'm getting nothing so far. I think you need to move around. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 53. INT: EAGLE HAIR CLUB - SAME Gru listens in on the headphones. He steps over to a wall on which hangs a PAINTING of Floyd flying with eagles. GRU Wow, this looks interesting. What is it? Gru thrusts his hips at the painting. Floyd watches him, suspicious. FLOYD I take it you're an art lover? LUCY (IN HEADPHONES) No serum. GRU Yeah, not so much. He walks over to a podium with a TROPHY. He thrusts his hips at that, too. GRU (CONT'D) Oh, how about this impressive trinket? FLOYD I'd hardly call it a trinket, Mr. Gru. LUCY (in headphones) Nothing. FLOYD The International-- GRU Yeah, I don't care. Floyd GRUMBLES in frustration. Gru moves to a shelf filled with WIG SAMPLES. He straddles it. LUCY (in headphones) MEE-MO-MEE-MO-MEE-MO!!! Hold on. I'm picking up something! Behind that wall! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 54. GRU Ah! And what do we have here? Floyd grabs a sample. FLOYD These are my trial wigs. (holds out wig to Gru) You should take one. Gru sticks his head into the shelf to investigate. GRU No thanks. So what's on the other side of the wall? FLOYD Here you are! Look at me! Focus! LUCY (in headphones) Gru? FLOYD I promise that this wig will transform you from ugly to irresistible. Gru stares at the wig. Clearly getting caught up in what Floyd's saying. Gru is about to respond when suddenly Edith and Agnes burst in, out of breath. AGNES MARGO HAS A BOYFRIEND! EDITH AND THEY'RE GOING ON A DATE! Gru stares at them. GRU Date??? Boyfriend??? (yells at Floyd) What??? Floyd shrugs. INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY Gru, Edith and Agnes race across the mall. Then Agnes points over to the salsa restaurant as Margo and Antonio walk in. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 55. AGNES There she goes! INT: EDUARDO'S SALSA & SALSA - DAY Gru enters to see Margo and Antonio sitting together in the back of the restaurant together. Margo laughs at something Antonio said. MARGO Oh, you're so funny... EDITH Gross! Look, they're in love! These words hit Gru like a smack in the face. GRU Oh, no, no, no! Do not say that they are...no no no, no! He storms in. Edith and Agnes follow. ANTONIO (O.S.) ...and my dream is to one day play video games for a living. MARGO Wow. You're so complicated. Gru storms over to Margo. Attempts a smile. GRU Margo. What is going on here? MARGO Oh! Gru, se llama Antonio. Me llamo Margo. GRU Me llama-lama-ding-dong, who cares. Let's go. SALSA MUSIC begins to play and a curtain opens across the room. WOOSH! Someone leaps out, spinning like a tornado, then lands in the middle of the restaurant with a flourish. It's Eduardo. MARGO Whoa! Everyone in the restaurant cheers. Gru frowns. Not this guy! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 56. The music continues and Eduardo dances across the floor and out into the mall where he grabs a passing SHOPPER and pulls her into the restaurant. The confused woman holds on for the ride as Eduardo twirls and dances her all around the floor. He dips her and she melts, as do all of the women watching. Eduardo gazes into the woman's eyes and produces a business card. EDUARDO Kids eat free on Tuesdays. The woman grabs the business card from his hand with her teeth. Then Eduardo flings her across the floor and she twirls back out into the mall where she knocks over her confused husband. Then the song comes to an end and Eduardo strikes a final pose. Everyone in the studio cheers. GIRLS Yeah! Wahoo! Cool! Awesome! Everyone except Gru. Eduardo walks over to him and gives him a big warm hug. EDUARDO So good to see you again, mi compadre! Gru tries to get out of the hug as quickly as he can. ANTONIO Oh, I see you have already met my father. GRU What the-- Father?! EDUARDO Si! Look at this crazy small world we live in, eh? Come, sit, let me get you something. Gru looks down and sees Eduardo's chicken glaring at him. It SQUAWKS. It's unsettling. GRU Oh... look at you. Eduardo scoops the chicken up. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 57. GRU (CONT'D) (nervous) Haha. He likes me! Gru tries to pet the chicken but Pollito lunges at him. EDUARDO Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Pollito is usually very friendly. (cradling Pollito) He had a rough night. The chicken stares relentlessly. Gru CHUCKLES nervously. GRU Well, we really should be going. Girls, come on. Gru tries to gather the girls, but Eduardo stops him, pushing Antonio and Margo closer together. EDUARDO That is a pity. Young love is beautiful, no? GRU No! (chuckling nervously) You know, they're not in love. They hardly know each other! Eduardo suddenly lights up, having an idea. EDUARDO You are right, Cabeza de Huevo! They must get to know each other better. Antonio, why don't you invite your girlfriend and her family to our Cinco de Mayo party? GRU No, no, I am-- GIRLS Si! The girls are all thrilled at this, as is Antonio. As if on cue, MUSIC begins playing and they all begin dancing together. Antonio takes Margo's hand and twirls her across the floor. Gru stares at Antonio with a look that could kill. A waiter comes by to give Gru a party drink, and he promptly crushes the glass with his bare hands. His eye twitches. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 58. INT: AVL HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT Gru and Lucy sit across from Silas at headquarters. SILAS I'm sorry, El Macho? Hadn't we eliminated him as a suspect? After the whole salsa incident? GRU Yes, but there has been a new development, and I'm telling you, this is the guy. You need to arrest him immediately. And his deviously charming son. I'm pretty sure that the son is involved, too. The son also. You've got to get the son. Gru approaches Silas. GRU (CONT'D) (whispers) I think that the son is the mastermind. There's a look. There's a devilish look in his eyes and I don't like it! SILAS Yes, but I don't really see any evidence for-- GRU Evidence schmevidence! I go with my gut, and my gut tells me that this guy is El Macho! Lock him up! Lock up the son. Don't forget about the son. The kid gives me the creeps! Silas takes a deep breath and rubs his temples. SILAS Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... Lucy jumps in, trying to save the situation. LUCY Uh, but, on the less... (whistles) ..."crazy" side of things, uh, Gru discovered traces of the serum at Eagle Hair Club. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 59. SILAS Hm... Interesting... LUCY Yeah, and you know who made that happen? Huh? (points to Gru) This guy. Nailed it. Amazing, right? GRU No. I mean, sure, but it's not him. It is... (whispers) ...El Macho. SILAS Mr. Gru. Please-- GRU No. It is him! And I will prove it! And Gru storms out. LUCY (calls after him) Gru, c'mon! Once he's gone, Silas gives Lucy a look. LUCY (CONT'D) (laughs nervously) He really thinks it's El Macho. Can you tell? Silas is not amused. EXT: BEACH - DAY The minion with the popsicle stuck to his tongue wakes up on a beach, disoriented. He slowly sits up-- --and sees hundreds of minions partying! This is where all the abducted minions were taken! There are minions sitting at a Tiki bar, being tended by a bartender minion... ...The French maid minion and a ukelele-playing minion are dancing in the sand. They wave at him... DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 60. Meanwhile, Jerry approaches the popsicle minion with two bananas. He gives him one, does a Hawaiian dance with the other, then runs off for the water. Popsicle minion tears off his overalls and follows suit. POPSICLE MINION Koonga! The Popsicle Minion, now nude, runs across the sand and jumps into a clear, blue ocean. We pull back to reveal that unbeknownst to any of the minions, this is all happening inside a large terrarium, and they are being watched by a mysterious figure in silhouette. INT: FAMILY ROOM - DAY Gru sits with his laptop. He's on the eVillain site. He clicks through various images of El Macho. Edith chases Kevin, who has the wig in his mouth. A minion sets a stack of magazines on the coffee table. Then "YOU ARE NO LONGER CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET" appears on Gru's screen. He grimaces and calls out. GRU Kevin, the wi-fi's out! Kevin? He looks to the minion at the coffee table. GRU (CONT'D) Hey, Lance! Where the heck is Kevin? The minion just shrugs and walks away. GRU (CONT'D) Alright, we need to revisit the number of vacation days you guys get. I can't find anybody anymore! DING-DONG! Someone's at the door. Gru turns to it. JILLIAN (O.S.) Gru! It's Jillian! Gru pretends to shoot himself. JILLIAN (O.S.) (CONT'D) I've got good news! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 61. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - SAME Jillian and her artificially beautiful friend SHANNON stand outside on Gru's porch. Shannon texts on her phone, looking bored. JILLIAN I have my friend Shannon here with me! I was thinking you two could get some grub, you know, tear it up! See what happens! INT: GRU'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS JILLIAN (O.S.) Uhh, open up! He sees Agnes walking by, singing softly and playing with her unicorn. He whisper-shouts to her. GRU Agnes! Agnes! Tell Jillian I'm not here! Agnes turns to the door. AGNES Gru's not here! JILLIAN Are you sure? AGNES Yes! He just told me! Gru, panicking, shakes his head and wags his fingers. AGNES (CONT'D) I mean no, he didn't just tell me! JILLIAN (laughs) Agnes--where is Gru? Gru makes the "zip your lips" gesture. AGNES He's putting on lipstick! Gru waves his arms. AGNES (CONT'D) He's swatting at flies! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 62. Gru waves his hand around his throat, making a "cut it off" gesture. AGNES (CONT'D) He's...chopping his head off! Gru clenches his fists and grunts in frustration. AGNES (CONT'D) He's...pooping? Outside, Jillian and Shannon look confused. JILLIAN (O.S.) I know you're in there, Gru! There's no way you're getting out of this! Kyle enters the room, carrying the bag with the wig in his mouth. EXT: RESTAURANT - NIGHT Establishing. INT: RESTAURANT - SAME Shannon sits at a table talking to Gru, who's offscreen. A waiter drops off a plate of spaghetti. SHANNON I have to tell you, I was so nervous about tonight. I mean there's just so many phonies out there! CUT TO Gru sitting across from her. Wearing a ridiculous WIG from Floyd. And looking extremely uncomfortable. GRU Yes, I hear you. (awkwardly laughs) SHANNON Oh, so do you work out? GRU Well... SHANNON I mean, obviously, you don't, but would you consider it? Huh? (MORE) DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 63. SHANNON (CONT'D) Physical fitness is very important to Shannon. As you can tell, right? Huh? Shannon drops to the floor and starts doing push-ups. GRU Ah. I can tell. SHANNON (mid-push-up) Solid. She switches to one-armed push-ups. GRU We are in a restaurant, you know. Gru looks even more uncomfortable. Just then Lucy (unseen by Gru) enters the restaurant. She approaches the HOSTESS. LUCY Hi. Takeout for Lucy? HOSTESS Sure, just a sec. The Hostess leaves. Lucy looks around and then spots Gru. Sees him with the wig and Shannon who is now doing crunches on the floor. Lucy narrows her eyes, then has an idea. She presses a button on her watch, which transforms into a HIGH TECH EAVESDROPPING DEVICE, and puts it in her ear. Now she's able to hear Gru and Shannon talking. She watches them, intrigued. Shannon has returned to her seat. SHANNON Your accent is so exotic. GRU Ah. Well, thank you very much. I was-- SHANNON I know someone who can fix that for you. And you'll be talking normal in no time. Gru is starting to sweat. GRU Hahaha. Hoooo. Is it hot in here? Oof. How's the food? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 64. He wipes his brow and accidentally shifts the wig on his head. Shannon stares at Gru's hair. SHANNON Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you wearing a wig? GRU (really sweating it) What? Ah! (readjusts the wig) I don't think so. SHANNON I knew it. You're a phony. I hate phonies. GRU Oh. What? No. These locks are all mine... SHANNON No they're not! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna rip that thing off your head and show everyone what a bald-headed phony you are. LUCY I don't think so, Miss Lady. Lucy presses a button on her watch and a target sight pops out. Gru watches in horror as Shannon reaches across the table for the wig. Quickly Lucy presses another button on her watch which fires a MINI-DART GUN at Shannon. PLIP. The mini-dart goes into Shannon's butt, knocking her out instantly. And saving Gru from certain humiliation. Gru stares at the now sleeping Shannon, confused. GRU Hello... Hello, are you...? LUCY (O.S.) Hey, Gru. Gru quickly removes the wig. GRU Hello, Lucy, how you doin'...? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 65. LUCY (noticing Shannon) Wow, looks like your date's out for the count. It's like she's been shot with a mild moose tranquilizer. Shannon MOANS like a MOOSE, then passes out again. LUCY (CONT'D) (winks) Yeah, I'm winking `cuz that's what actually happened. AN ITALIAN WAITER approaches. ITALIAN WAITER (re: Shannon) `Scusi, whassa happenin' here? She no like? LUCY Oh, she's just uh-- (makes drinking gesture) The waiter nods and leaves. ITALIAN WAITER (laughs) Oh, oh, si, si... Lucy turns to Gru. LUCY Shall we take her home? EXT: RESTAURANT - NIGHT Gru and Lucy carry an unconscious Shannon out of the restaurant. Her head gets stuck in the swinging doors on the way out. They try to dislodge her and accidentally end up throwing her headfirst into a lamp post. They pick her up between them, Weekend at Bernie's-style. They wave to a passing COP. The cop tips his hat. EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - LATER Gru and Lucy get in her car. But it's cramped with Shannon in there too. She doesn't really fit. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 66. EXT: SUBURBAN STREET - LATER Lucy's car drives down the street. Gru and Lucy now have plenty of room in the car. We boom up to see that Shannon has been strapped to the roof like a deer. EXT: SHANNON'S HOUSE - NIGHT Gru and Lucy arrive at Shannon's house. Lucy comes to an abrupt stop and Shannon flies off the roof and slams into the car in front of them. EXT: SHANNON'S HOUSE - LATER Gru and Lucy sit on the front steps of Shannon's house. LUCY Well, I think you did it. You just officially had the worst date ever. GRU Huh, tell me about it. LUCY Don't worry--it can only get better from here, right? But if it doesn't, you can always borrow my dart gun. I've had to use it on one or two dates myself. GRU Yeah, you know, as far as dates go, I think I'm good with just the one. Gru and Lucy exchange looks. He CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY. Time to go. LUCY Well, good night, partner. She pats his shoulder and walks toward her car. Gru gets up to walk beside her. LUCY (CONT'D) This was fun. GRU Yes. Surprisingly, it was. LUCY Oh, and uh, just between you and me? You look much better bald. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 67. They smile at each other, and she gives him a peck on the cheek and walks away. LUCY (CONT'D) See you tomorrow! Gru smiles a big smile. Shannon slumps over on the porch behind him. Could he be...falling in love? INT: GRU'S BEDROOM - SAME RIIIING! Gru's ALARM CLOCK goes off. He reaches out and turns it off. Ready to greet the day. INT: SHOWER - DAY Gru happily washes in the shower, acting out a puppet show with his rubber ducky. GRU Quack! Quack! Quack! INT: BATHROOM - DAY Gru brushes his teeth with two toothbrushes. He jokingly arranges them in his mouth like walrus tusks, then BARKS like a seal. INT: KITCHEN - DAY HEART-SHAPED PANCAKES are served to the girls sitting at the table. Edith makes a face at getting hers. AGNES Yeah! MARGO So I take it the date went well? GRU No! It was horrible! He laughs gleefully. The girls exchange looks. What? Then he skips out of the room, dancing with a minion in the kitchen. Agnes's face lights up. Yes! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 68. EXT: STREET - DAY Gru makes his way to work--on foot: --he strolls down the sidewalk. --he passes a MAILMAN and gives him a high five. GRU High-five! Then a POLICEMAN, with whom he exchanges mimed gunfire. Then a NUN, with whom he bumps rumps. GRU (CONT'D) Bump it. Seeing something offscreen, Gru GASPS. --he stops traffic so a happy family of DUCKS can cross the street. --he plays ultimate frisbee with a bunch of COLLEGE KIDS, balancing the spinning disc on his pointy nose. --he joins a group of OLD LADIES doing Tai Chi. --he "air" drums with a couple of BUCKET DRUMMERS on the curb. --he picks a flower, then walks by a MAN and a WOMAN sitting alone with their backs to each other at a cafe. He quickly turns their chairs around so they find each other and hands the man the flower for the woman. They smile and Gru goes his merry way. INT: SHOPPING MALL - DAY Gru continues happily dancing through the mall on his way to the cupcake shop. He shimmies with a FAT WOMAN on the escalator, then GAPS and stops suddenly upon seeing Eagle Hair Club closed. The MUSIC abruptly ends. Gru sees Silas speaking with an AVL AGENT. Gru approaches him. GRU (confused) Mr. Ramsbottom? SILAS Oh, hello. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 69. GRU What are you doing here? SILAS We got him. GRU Got who? SILAS Floyd Eaglesan! Our agents located a secret room in his shop last night, and uh, discovered this! He snaps his fingers and an AVL agent hands him a METAL CANISTER in a ziploc bag. Silas holds it up. SILAS (CONT'D) It's empty, but we found traces of the PX-41 serum in it. He's our man. So somehow, in spite of your incompetence, we solved this one. TWO AVL AGENTS carry Floyd away in handcuffs. FLOYD I was framed! You won't get away with this! Get your mitts off of me! I am a legitimate businessman! Gru turns back to Silas. He is stunned by this. GRU Ah. Alright. So...what now? SILAS Well, now you're free to go back to your "business." Mmmm. Jams and jellies. And it looks like Agent Wilde will be transferring to our Australian branch. GRU (in shock) Australia...? SILAS Yes. But thank you--for everything. And by everything of course I mean...nothing. (beat) Toodle pip and cheerio, Mr. Gru. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 70. Silas walks away to join the AVL agents. Gru stares blankly, sadly. And then Lucy approaches him. LUCY Hey there. GRU Hey. LUCY So...we got him. GRU Yay. That's great. (beat) And now you're going to Australia? LUCY Well, it's not definite yet. Still figuring it out. Already been working on my accent. (Australian accent) Wallaby. Diggeri-doo. Hugh Jackman. (beat) So...um. Pretty excited... GRU Great. Well...good luck. LUCY Thanks. You too. (remembering) Oh. Here. I wanted to give you this. She holds out her lipstick taser. GRU Your lipstick taser? LUCY Yeah, it's just a memento. Just, you know, from the first time we met. GRU Oh. Thank you, Lucy. Gru accepts the lipstick taser. SILAS (O.S.) Agent Wilde! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 71. Lucy ignores this and just waits, not wanting to leave. She and Gru stand there awkwardly. GRU Well... it looks like they need you, so... LUCY Yeah, I uh, I better go. Bye, Gru. And she leaves Gru. He stands there. Completely miserable. EXT: STREET - DAY Gru walks back home, completely depressed. Walks past the college kids playing frisbee. Catches the frisbee and tosses it down the sewer. Walks past the group of bucket drummers. As he passes he KICKS one of the buckets. Walks past the old ladies doing Tai Chi. As they balance on one leg he pushes them all and they all fall over. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - NIGHT It's pouring rain. Gru sits alone outside his house. Miserable. And then an UMBRELLA approaches him. It looks like it's traveling on its own. But when it gets closer it lifts up, revealing Agnes. AGNES I brought you an umbrella. Gru takes the umbrella and Agnes joins him. They both huddle under it. GRU Ah, thank you. AGNES What're you doing out here? GRU Remember when you said that I liked Lucy? Well, it turns out...you're right. Agnes's face lights up. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 72. AGNES Really? GRU Yes, but...well, she's moving away. (sadly) I'm never going to see her again. Agnes's face falls. All her hopes and dreams shattered. But she tries to encourage Gru. AGNES Is there anything I can do to help? GRU Oh, I don't--I don't think so, sweetheart. AGNES Well, is there anything you could do? Gru thinks. INT: GRU'S OFFICE - DAY Gru is on the PHONE. GRU "Hello, Lucy. This is Gru. I know up to this point our relationship has been strictly professional, and you're leaving for Australia and all, but..." (struggles to get it out) Okay, here is the question. "Would you like to--to go out on a date?" PULL BACK TO REVEAL Dave the minion standing across from Gru, pretending to be on a cell phone on the other end of the line. And wearing a RED-HAIRED WIG. He shrugs. DAVE Eh, no. GRU Okay, that's not helping. He hangs up. GRU (CONT'D) All right. Here we go. For real this time. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 73. He stares at Lucy's card. Then turns to the phone. It's a stand-off. He does stretches and calisthenics to psych himself up. He SIGHS. GRU (CONT'D) I can do this. He stares down the phone again. It sits there, taunting him. We cut back and forth between Gru and the phone, until finally-- GRU (CONT'D) Agh! I hate you! He produces a FLAMETHROWER and burns up the phone. Dave dives out of the way. GRU (CONT'D) (satisfied) Ah. RIIIIIING !!! The FIRE ALARM goes off. CHOP! Suddenly AXES chop through the wall. Several minions in FIREMEN'S GEAR enter. Another minion imitates a siren through a bullhorn. SIREN MINION Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! One continues chopping everything in sight with his axe, then chops his way right through the wall of the house and falls outside. Another minion brings in a MASSIVE HOSE, turns it on, and goes flying around the room as it whips around like a snake. Dave tests out a fire extinguisher. SIREN MINION (CONT'D) Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Gru takes away the bullhorn from the Siren minion. But he keeps on making the noise. SIREN MINION (CONT'D) Beedo! Beedo! Beedo! Dave fires the extinguisher at the Siren minion. He makes the noise again and Dave sprays him with the fire extinguisher, sending him flying offscreen. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 74. INT: MINION BEACH HABITAT - DAY The minions enjoy another day at the beach. Kevin the Golf minion drifts out in the water on an inner tube. He fixes his coconut bra, then unpeels a banana and eats it. INT: CONTROL ROOOM - SAME A hand pulls a lever in a control room. INT: MINION BEACH HABITAT - SAME Suddenly a WHIRLPOOL appears in the water right next to him. He gets sucked into it. Kevin is pulled down to the bottom of the habitat and into a TUBE. INT: LAB - SAME Kevin pops out of the tube and lands in a waiting metallic chair. His hat follows him down the tube and lands on his head. CLICK! A metal strap fastens around his waist. He shrugs and continues to eat the banana. FRENCH MAID MINION (O.S.) Kevin? Kevin looks over and sees the French Maid Minion strapped into a chair nearby. He has a banana too. KEVIN Tom? They raise their bananas in the air. KEVIN & FRENCH MAID MINION Bello! Compai! And then a GIANT DEVICE appears, looking like a huge, scary HYPODERMIC NEEDLE filled with purple liquid. The needle comes toward the French Maid Minion. FRENCH MAID MINION (to the needle) Compai! The needle is injected into him and administers the serum. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 75. The French Maid Minion starts to shake. Contorts. Then MORPHS into a PURPLE MINION. PURPLE FRENCH MAID MINION Blaaah! Kevin points and LAUGHS at him. He doesn't see the needle come down behind him. It injects him with the serum as well. KEVIN Oh... EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - DAY Gru's vehicle makes its way up the winding road to Eduardo's house. INT: GRU'S VEHICLE - SAME Gru drives the vehicle, looking deeply depressed. The girls sit in the back, dressed up for the Cinco de Mayo party. MARGO, EDITH & AGNES Cinco de May-yay-yo! Cinco de May- yay-yo! Cinco de May-yay-yo! Gru's expression doesn't change. They pull up to the front gate. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE GATE - SAME Gru's vehicle pulls up in front of the open gate in front of Eduardo's house. His car almost knocks a bunch of parked cars off the cliff. The grounds are set up for the most elaborate and fun Cinco de Mayo party of all time. Sumptuous spreads of MEXICAN FOOD everywhere. LANTERNS hanging from trees. PEOPLE having a great time. Gru and the girls enter the compound. EDITH Whoa! This place is awesome! GRU Okay. Let's party. Ah? But first let's go over the rules. Because what is fun without the rules? On Agnes with her mouth and arms full of churros. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 76. GRU (CONT'D) Agnes, easy on the churros. On Edith, swinging her ninja sword. GRU (CONT'D) Edith, try not to kill anyone. EDITH Hai! GRU Margo-- As Gru turns to Margo he sees that she is holding hands with Antonio, face-to-face, almost close enough to kiss. ANTONIO Hello, Mr. Gru. Gru furrows his brow. GRU Aghhh! Okay... He grabs Antonio and drags him far away from Margo. MARGO Gru! GRU There must be the standard six feet of space between you and boys. (re: Antonio) Especially this boy. Gru turns and sees that Antonio is back next to Margo. ANTONIO (laughs) You are a funny man. There are no rules, Señor! It's Cinco De Mayo! (to girls) Come on! They're starting the dance! He grabs Margo's hand and takes off. Edith and Agnes follow. Agnes explodes with delight. AGNES (rolling her r like crazy) Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriba! Gru watches them go. Frowns. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 77. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru, sneaking through the party, spots Antonio and Margo dancing. Gru sneaks up on Antonio, using the flashing strobe lights to cover his approach. Suddenly Antonio is gone and Gru is the one dancing with Margo, who has her back to him and is oblivious to what's going on. Antonio reappears and kicks Gru in the crotch from behind. He dances once again with Margo while Gru hunches over in pain. Gru then gets the upper hand and starts choking Antonio and shaking him. Margo turns around and sees this. Gru and Antonio see they are being watched by Margo and start casually dancing next to each other as if nothing is wrong. As the song ends, Margo takes Antonio's hand and pulls him away from Gru off the dance floor. Gru is defeated and all alone. INT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru sits by himself in the corner, sulking and staring at Lucy's lipstick taser. A WAITER walks by and places a tortilla chip sombrero on his head with the rim filled with guacamole. He breaks off a piece, dips it, and eats it. EDUARDO (O.S.) So glad you could make it, mi compadre. Gru looks up and sees Eduardo standing there. Gru quickly hides the taser. EDUARDO (CONT'D) (sensing something's wrong) Hey, what's wrong? GRU Oh, nothing. Nothing is wrong. I'm just chilling with the guac...from my chip hat. Gru takes another scoop of guacamole, smiles, and gives a thumbs up. A glob of guacamole falls from the sombrero. Eduardo puts his arm around him. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 78. EDUARDO Gru, please. I know that look all too well. It is the look of a broken heart. GRU How did you know? EDUARDO Believe me, my friend, I too have spent many nights trying to drown my sorrows in guacamole. GRU You? EL MACHO Yes. But we are survivors. There's much more to us than meets the eye. Enjoy the party. Eduardo gives Gru a meaningful look. And then walks away. Gru watches him go. Deep in thought. Gru notices Eduardo suspiciously sneak away from the party and head into the house. Gru gets up from the table and follows Eduardo. As he walks through the party, several partygoers break tortilla pieces off his sombrero to eat. INT: EDUARDO HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Eduardo enters a dimly-lit room. Gru sneaks behind and peers through a crack in the door. INT: SECRET MAYAN ROOM - CONTINUOUS Eduardo stands in the center of a secret room, which is lined with Mayan-style totem poles. He dances on the tile floor, which lights up and plays "La Cucaracha" with each strategic step. The musical pattern is a code which opens a secret passageway through the largest totem's mouth. Eduardo enters and the mouth closes behind him. Gru tentatively enters the room. He pauses at the tile floor. He tries to replicate Eduardo's "La Cucaracha" code, but a glob of guacamole from his sombrero falls to the floor and hits the wrong tile. This activates a booby-trapped totem pole, which halves Gru's sombrero with a spear. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 79. GRU What the--oh! Gru observes the destroyed sombrero in his hands. GRU (CONT'D) Huh. Gru attempts the code again, but missteps. An axe from the wall swings at him and misses. GRU (CONT'D) Oooh! Gru missteps again and one of the totems lights up and spits fire at him, burning his face. GRU (CONT'D) (dazed) Aaaahhh... He missteps again and a club whacks him over the head. GRU (CONT'D) Oh! One of the totems shoots darts at him, piercing his nose. GRU (CONT'D) (in pain) Aaaahhh! Gru falls to the floor. GRU (CONT'D) Oooohhh. His head hits the correct tile, and the Mayan passageway opens. Gru walks to the door, pointing at the totems and gloating. GRU (CONT'D) Aha! Ha ha ha-- The passageway doors slam on his arm. GRU (CONT'D) (in pain) Oh! He pulls his crushed arm through the doors. GRU (CONT'D) Ouch! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 80. EXT: SKY - DAY A 747 jets through the sky. INT: AIRPLANE - SAME Lucy sits alone and stares out the window. Depressed. She SIGHS. She grabs an in flight magazine and opens it up to an ad for wristwatches. It reads; "IN THE SKY, HE IS THE ONE MAN EVERYONE CAN TRUST" and shows a picture of Gru giving the thumbs up in a cockpit. LUCY Say what? Lucy reacts, shakes her head, and now the picture is just a regular airline pilot in the cockpit. Lucy turns the page. It's another ad, saying simply "Gru Now!" and showing a picture of a muscular Gru diving from a waterfall. She GASPS and slams the magazine shut, then slowly reopens it to find the picture is really just a random muscular guy diving. It says "GO NOW - TO HAWAII!" FLIGHT ATTENDANT (O.S.) Would you like some peanuts or pretzels? Lucy looks up from her magazine to see the flight attendant, who looks like Gru. She REACTS. Then looks across the aisle and sees a lady that looks and sounds like Gru, talking to another man who looks like Gru. FEMALE GRU PASSENGER Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good joke. Then Lucy looks behind her and sees the young mother looks like Gru. The baby turns around and also looks like Gru. GRU BABY I just did a boom boom. The flight attendant tries to get Lucy's attention. FLIGHT ATTENDANT I really need you to make a choice, hon. Close on Lucy as she has a moment of epiphany. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 81. LUCY I choose Gru. (to everyone) I CHOOSE GRU! Lucy runs to the exit door and flings it open. WOOSH! Air rushes throughout the cabin. LUCY (CONT'D) Thank you, Gru stewardess! The flight attendant stands up, recovering from her twirl. FLIGHT ATTENDANT You're welcome! The other passengers wave as the plane's oxygen masks fall from each overhead console. And with that, Lucy jumps from the plane, holding her purse. EXT: SKY - DAY As Lucy falls from the sky she presses a button on her purse and it transforms into a hanglider. She flies off with purpose. INT: TUNNEL - DAY Elevator doors open revealing EL MACHO'S UNDERGROUND LAIR. Gru stands in the doorway, pulling the dart out of his nose. The lair is a massive villainous complex that looks a lot like hell. Gru takes the place in. It's awesome and terrifying. The magnet ship is there! EDUARDO (O.S.) You have not lost your touch, my friend. Gru turns around and sees Eduardo dressed in El Macho's old wrestling outfit, like we saw in the flashback. GRU Ha ha! I knew it! You are El Macho! EL MACHO That's right! GRU Nobody believed me! Ho ho! But I knew you weren't dead! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 82. EL MACHO (laughing) Of course not. I merely faked my death, ha, ha! (beat) But now it's time for me to make a spectacular return to evil! Doctor, I think it's time we showed Gru what we're up to here. Standing in the middle of the lair's walkway is the one, the only...Dr. Nefario. GRU Dr. Nefario? DR. NEFARIO Nice to see you, Gru. GRU Whaaat? This-- So, this is your new job opportunity? DR. NEFARIO Absolutely. You're gonna like this. Dr. Nefario pulls a lever. A platform rises with the Purple Minion version of Kevin strapped to a chair on it. EL MACHO Sorry--I had to borrow some of your minions, but it was for a worthy cause. GRU Oh! Kevin? Agh! EL MACHO No, he's not Kevin anymore. Now he is an indestructible, mindless killing machine! KEVIN Blah! EL MACHO Just watch this! He then presses a BUTTON. --a machine gun lowers and the purple minion's RIDDLED with BULLETS, but unhurt. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 83. --a FLAMETHROWER shoots fire at the purple minion, but he's completely unharmed. --an axe is swung at him, but he just eats it. --an atom bomb falls on him, but he just swallows it and it explodes harmlessly in his belly. --a POLICE CAR is dropped onto him, and he devours it whole. Gru stares, stunned. EL MACHO (CONT'D) And here's the best part! I've got an ARMY OF THEM! The lights come on above El Macho, revealing hundreds of caged PURPLE MINIONS. Gru can't believe his eyes. El Macho LAUGHS. EL MACHO (CONT'D) Soon I will unleash them on the world--and if anyone, anyone, tries to stop them...YEOW! Their city gets eaten! (beat) We can do it together! GRU Together? EL MACHO Together! I have admired your work for years, amigo. Stealing the moon?! Are you kidding?! We would be unstoppable! Men like you, men like me, we should be ruling the world! (excitedly) So, are you in? Dr. Nefario pops a celebratory noisemaker in the background. DR. NEFARIO Woo-hoo! El Macho eagerly awaits Gru's reply. Gru just stares at him. How does he get out of this? GRU Uh...yeah...probably... El Macho is taken aback. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 84. EL MACHO Probably? Gru realizes he's in danger and quickly tries to backpedal. GRU I mean, yes! Yes. Of course, yes, I just have a lot going on right now...I just need to get some things off my plate before we start taking over the world, that's all. EL MACHO `Scuse me? GRU No--no, forget it! One hundred percent! I am in! (pretending to hear something) I think--what is--do you hear that-- I do. That's Agnes calling me from on the surf-- Gru steps into the elevator and the door shuts. Then opens. He's frantically trying to press the button that will return him to the surface. GRU (CONT'D) Totally in! The doors close and Gru is gone. El Macho stares, deep in thought. Clearly suspicious. EL MACHO You know what? I am not so convinced that he is in. El Macho presses a button that releases the Purple Minion. KEVIN Blah! EXT: EL MACHO'S HOUSE - SAME Edith knocks a piñata down with a BAT, then beats the crap out of it. GRU Edith! Agnes! Come on! SMACK! Edith accidentally hits Gru in the face with the bat. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 85. GRU (CONT'D) Ooof! Edith takes off her blindfold. EDITH Sorry. GRU We need to go home now! Where's Margo? AGNES But I didn't get a turn! EXT: OTHER SIDE OF EL MACHO'S HOUSE - DAY Margo sits at a table alone and depressed, wearing the chip hat. She looks like she's been crying. GRU Margo! Gru approaches her with the other girls in tow. GRU (CONT'D) Come on, we're leav--hey, what's wrong? MARGO I hate boys. Gru turns and sees Antonio dancing with a PRETTY GIRL. Gru frowns. GRU Yes...they stink. Sorry, honey, we've got to go. He takes her hand and leads her offscreen before popping back into frame and firing the freeze ray at Antonio. We see he is now frozen in a block of ice. EXT: EL MACHO'S DRIVEWAY - DAY SCREEECH! Gru's car pulls out of the driveway and speeds down the mountain, just as Lucy's hang glider lands at Eduardo's. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 86. EXT: EDUARDO'S HOUSE - DAY Lucy looks around, but doesn't see Gru. She maneuvers her way through the crowd. LUCY Oops, sorry! She makes it through, but still no sign of Gru. Suddenly Pollito appears and exchanges looks with Lucy. He SCREECHES and flies towards her. She strikes a martial arts pose ready to defend herself. As she does, her purse falls to the ground. The attack never comes and she looks down to see Pollito pecking at her purse. EL MACHO (O.S.) Pollito! What's the matter? El Macho appears and picks up the chicken, petting it. LUCY Oh, hey! Eduardo! EL MACHO Lucia! I apologize. Pollito, he's usually not like this. The same thing happened the other day with... with Gru and... El Macho drops off, deep in thought. Connecting the dots. Lucy is oblivious. LUCY Oh, speaking of Gru...uh, have you seen him? I really need to talk to him. EL MACHO Yes, I think he's somewhere around here. You two are close, no? LUCY Oh, I don't know. I mean close... I wouldn't say we were close. Why, did he say we were close? Did he say that? DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 87. EL MACHO It's more what he didn't say. For instance, he never mentioned...that you were both working for the Anti- Villain League!!! Suddenly El Macho turns Pollito around revealing that he has her AVL credentials in his beak. El Macho grabs Lucy. EL MACHO (CONT'D) (threateningly) You're coming with me. He leads her away. LUCY Hey! We see Dr. Nefario watching this, in shock. He's holding a drink and a Mexican flag cupcake. DR. NEFARIO Crikey. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY The vehicle pulls into the driveway. INT: GRU'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Gru walks the girls into the family room. Two minions sit in front of the big screen TV playing a video game. EDITH So Eduardo's actually El Macho? Cool! GRU No, it is not cool. Plus, I pretty much knew it was him all along, so if anyone's cool, it's me. The BIGSCREEN TV BEEPS. Gru and the others turn to look. It's Dr. Nefario. He's at El Macho's, whispering and looking anxiously around him from under a table. DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN) (whispering) Gru! GRU Well, Dr. Nefario... DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 88. DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN) (hurriedly) El Macho's on to you. He knows you're working for the AVL. And he's got your partner! Gru is confused. GRU Lucy? Wha--that's impossible! She's on her way to Australia... EL MACHO (O.S.) Nefario! Dr. Nefario looks nervously offscreen. El Macho's coming. DR. NEFARIO (ON SCREEN) Sorry, gotta go! Nefario disconnects the camera. The screen goes blank. Agnes GASPS and turns to Gru. AGNES He's got Lucy? GRU (determined) Not for long. Gru begins to walk out of the room. He turns to the minions. GRU (CONT'D) Come on. (beat) We're getting her out of there. Gru marches out of the room, fire in his eyes. A man on a mission. To save the woman he loves. The minions are visibly disappointed to leave their video game. One of them clutches the controller in his hand and continues to play until the moment he exits the frame. INT: GRU'S GARAGE - DAY Gru gets on his motorcycle. It's the GRUCYCLE, a Gru-style motorcycle, like Arnold in Terminator 2. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 89. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY A playhouse in Gru's front yard drops away, revealing a hatch in the ground. Out drives Gru. Two minions sit behind him holding on. He speeds down the road. Ready to kick some butt. EXT: EL MACHO'S COMPOUND - DAY The yard is now filled with ROCKET SHIPS. From behind, we watch El Macho emerge from his home to survey the troops. Some minions file into the rocket ships. El Macho watches them and LAUGHS maniacally. EXT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY EVIL MINION POV: The evil minion Kevin runs down the street, nearing Gru's house. He is scared by his own reflection in a shiny parked car. He spots a tricycle and eats it. Then Kyle spots him and GROWLS. Kyle runs off and evil minion Kevin gives chase. He stops when he sees the front door. INT: GRU'S HOUSE - DAY Margo and Agnes sit on the floor playing a princess board game. Next to Agnes is her unicorn. They hear a SCRATCHING SOUND outside the window. Agnes looks scared. AGNES What was that? Margo stands up. Makes her way toward the window, which is covered with drapes. Then reaches a nervous hand and pulls back the drapes. MARGO I don't see anything. Suddenly, evil minion Kevin appears at the window, looking really scary! Margo SCREAMS. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 90. SMASH! Evil minion Kevin crashes through the window and lands in the family room surrounded by shattered glass and tangled up in the curtain. He turns to the girls, who slowly back away. He looks at Agnes and ROARS. MARGO (CONT'D) Run! Margo grabs Agnes and they run out of the room, accidentally dropping the stuffed unicorn behind. Agnes stops and runs back for it. AGNES My unicorn! MARGO Agnes, no! Agnes stops and sees evil minion Kevin already has it in his mouth. Agnes screams a crazy HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM. It SHATTERS all the glass in the room, including the glass in evil minion Kevin's goggles. He spits out the unicorn. He is slowed him down for a bit, so Agnes safely grabs the unicorn, and Margo grabs Agnes's hand. They run for the elevator to the lower level, with the purple minion hot on their tails. The elevator drops just in time. Evil minion Kevin slams into the glass door. INT: GRU'S LAB - SAME Margo and Agnes run into the lab to find half a dozen minions milling about. MARGO C'mon! Hurry! AGNES Whoa! Edith plays ping-pong with the minions using nun-chucks like Bruce Lee. Margo shuts the big iron door. Edith and the minions stare back at Margo. EDITH What's the matter? CRASH! The purple minion has eaten its way through the ceiling! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 91. AGNES Whoa! It drops down into the lab and lands on a dazed yellow minion. The girls SCREAM as it jumps up and dashes towards them. Evil minion Kevin stomps toward the girls. They are backed into a corner. It's all over. Then suddenly a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE enters frame and injects evil minion Kevin. He falls over, writhing on the floor. Then he sits up and-- Has turned back into a YELLOW MINION. It's Kevin! KEVIN Ooh-la-la! Pilatos? AGNES Kevin! The other minions dog pile on him with friendly hugs. MARGO Dr. Nefario! You're back! Reveal Dr. Nefario holding the needle. DR. NEFARIO In the flesh. Nefario produces a VIAL filled with YELLOW LIQUID. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) Behold, the antidote! He walks over to a vat of the jelly. DR. NEFARIO (CONT'D) Come on. Let's finally put this horrible jelly to some good use. He pours the antidote into the vat. EXT: EL MACHO'S HOUSE - LATER Gru makes his way up the road leading to El Macho's house. He is wearing handcuffs, and being led at spear-point by Dave and Stuart, who have been painted purple to look like Evil minions. But they are goofing around and giggling. And they still have a few yellow spots. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 92. GRU Hey, guys. Come on! Stay focused here! The minions somber up. MINIONS Okay, okay. Gru covers a smeared yellow spot with purple paint. They approach the front gate, which is closed. Dave boosts himself onto a stray box and speaks gibberish into the intercom. He hears Evil Minion gibberish in response. He responds back in Evil Minion gibberish. The intercom buzzes and the gate begins to open. The gate opens and there are DOZENS of PURPLE MINIONS milling about. They eye Gru and his captors suspiciously. Dave and Stuart poke Gru with a spear. GRU (attempting to act) Curses. Foiled again. These guys captured me. The Evil Minions CHEER at seeing this. Gru, Dave and Stuart have to walk all the way to the house surrounded on all sides by evil purple minions. The painted yellow minions are very nervous. The purple minions eye them as they pass. They GROWL and the yellow minions attempt to GROWL back. It's extremely intense, but it looks like they're going to make it. Then one of the evil minions makes a slobbery raspberry at one of the painted ones. They get into a raspberry fight until the painted minion is grossed out and tries to rub the slobber off him. It rubs off the purple paint. One of the evil purple minions points and SCREAMS. They're exposed! All of the purple minions run towards Gru, Dave and Stuart. Teeth bared. Ready to chomp. GRU (CONT'D) Run! They take off running. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 93. EXT: EL MACHO'S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS Gru and the yellow minions burst into El Macho's backyard. The Evil Minions give chase. GRU Up that tree! Hurry, hurry! They climb a tree up to the roof of the house, only to be pursued by more minions up there. And the Evil Minions have devoured the tree so they can't go back that way either. With no escape, Gru and the minions run up a tower until they reach the top--a dead end. Here come the purple minions. They're trapped. Gru kicks them away and the yellow minions try to fight off the purple ones. But they are clearly doomed. And then Gru's ship appears hovering above them! Modified as a jelly-dispensing weapon and with Dr. Nefario at the controls! The minions hang on the sides holding JELLY BLASTERS. The ship opens fire on the evil minions, transforming them. POP! POP! POP! POP! One by one they transform back into yellow minions. One of the Minions wipes the horrible tasting jelly off his tongue. Dr. Nefario sticks his head out the side of the ship. DR. NEFARIO Hello, Gru! GRU Hey, hey! Nice work, Dr. Nefario! Gru leaps onto the ship. DR. NEFARIO I put an antidote in the jelly. (beat) I mean, I'm happy to create an evil army to destroy the world, but nobody messes with my family. GRU Thank you, Doctor! Now let's go get the-- Gru looks over to see Margo, Edith and Agnes onboard the ship, holding jelly blasters. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 94. AGNES Hi! Gru is flabbergasted. He turns to Nefario. GRU You brought the girls? DR. NEFARIO Yes! (beat) Oh. Was that wrong? Gru's ship flies toward El Macho, blasting purple minions all along the way. From behind a large jelly gun Edith unloads round after round. EDITH Wooooo! Yeeeaaahhh! El Macho witnesses his evil minions being converted back to regular ones. EL MACHO Oh no! What's happening to my minions? (beat) Gru? Gru turns to Nefario and the girls. GRU You guys take care of the rest of the minions. (beat) I'm going to find Lucy. Gru leaps out of the ship down to the roof El Macho is on. He has two big jelly weapons in his hands. Meanwhile the ship flies off with its jelly blasters firing, and comes to land on the ground below. The minions and the girls start jumping from the ship. Agnes takes aim. AGNES Eat jelly, you purple freaks! Waaaaah! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 95. Agnes' gun is a little too big for her and the kick sends her a bit out of control. But she still manages to hit a number of Evil Minions. The tide is turning. Meanwhile, Gru has gone ballistic on the evil minions. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! He takes the remaining few out. El Macho kicks an evil minion at Gru, but he manages to hit it with jelly and transform it back to yellow. Gru holds his gun up to El Macho and gives him a threatening look. GRU It's over, El Macho. Now where is Lucy? EL MACHO (chuckles) Let me show you. He turns to a computer and pushes a button. A fountain stops spewing water and underneath it STEEL DOORS open from the ground. And out of them rises a ROCKET. Strapped to it is Lucy. Tied to a SHARK with TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS OF DYNAMITE strapped to her. Gru is horrified. He GASPS. LUCY Oh, hey Gru! Turns out you were right about the whole El Macho thing, huh? (unconvincingly) Yay! El Macho calls to Gru, brandishing a remote. EL MACHO One push of this button and I send that rocket straight into the same volcano where I faked my death. Only this time--it's for real! GRU (horrified) No! Dave swoops in on a rope and grabs the remote, Tarzan- style... DAVE Tally ho! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 96. But unfortunately he smacks a roof support and drops the remote. It bonks a bunch of minions on the head and lands on the ground. El Macho stares down Gru. Fire in his eyes. EL MACHO We could've ruled the world together, Gru. But now--you're gonna die. He pulls out a vial of PX-41 and drinks it. Gru GASPS. El Macho transforms into a giant, purple, furry creature. He ROARS. Gru pulls the trigger on his jelly gun, but he is out of ammunition. He then pulls out the FREEZE RAY and fires, encasing El Macho's fists in blocks of ice. El Macho GROWLS and slams his fists to the ground, shattering the ice and knocking Gru off the platform and onto a scaffolding. Gru SCREAMS. The scaffolding tips over. El Macho grabs the scaffolding and holds it above his head, ready to crush Gru. Suddenly Gru pulls out Lucy's lipstick taser and fires it at Purple El Macho! The jolt of electricity has him shaking and dancing and ultimately sizzling and smoking, until he finally collapses on the ground. GRU Lipstick taser! Lucy smiles at this. LUCY Aw...he copied me. Gru runs off to save her. The minions surround El Macho, cocking their jelly guns. EL MACHO (dazed) I am not afraid of your jelly guns. DR. NEFARIO Oh, this ain't a jelly gun, sunshine. Dr. Nefario fires the Fart Gun directly into El Macho's face, causing him to pass out. The minions CHEER, firing their jelly guns into the air. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 97. One of the minions stands on top of El Macho and poses for a big game hunter-style photo. Dr. Nefario smiles for the camera as well. Gru runs toward the rocket. LUCY Don't worry about me, Gru! I'll be fine. I have survived lots worse than this. (beat) Okay, that's not entirely true. I'm actually kind of freaking out up here! GRU Don't worry--I will get you out of this! Gru attempts to untie Lucy. And then sees Pollito has walked over to the remote. Gru and Lucy GASP. The chicken looks at Gru and Lucy, then pecks the button. GRU (CONT'D) I really hate that chicken. The rocket blasts off into the air. The Minions and Girls watch in horror as Gru and Lucy fly off on the rocket. EXT: SKY - CONTINUOUS Gru uses his knife to cut Lucy's ropes. They SCREAM as the shark gets loose and falls down to a SUSHI BAR below where all of the CUSTOMERS and SUSHI CHEF CHEER. Meanwhile, on the rocket Gru rips a panel off the side, revealing a mess of WIRES inside. LUCY Is there a red one? It's usually the red one. Gru starts to pull out wires left and right. To no avail. LUCY (CONT'D) Gru, anytime now! Gru GASPS, realizing they are approaching the VOLCANO. Time is running out. Death is imminent. He looks Lucy in the eyes. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 98. GRU Listen, Lucy--we may not get out of this alive, so I need to ask you a question. LUCY Uh, better make it quick! GRU If I'd asked you out on a date, what would you have said? LUCY Are you kidding me?! Yes! Gru smiles. Then realizes that the rocket is still careening toward the volcano. He grabs Lucy. GRU JUMP!!! Gru and Lucy grab hands and leap off the rocket. The rocket plunges into the volcano. Gru and Lucy plummet through the air. KA-BLAAAAM!!! The volcano explodes in a massive tempest of fire and smoke and lava. The impact of the blast hits Gru and Lucy and sends them flying. SPLASH! They hit the water. BAM! BOOM! The volcano continues exploding. SPLASH! Gru emerges, soaking and out of breath. Fire and lava flying all around him. He can't find Lucy. GRU (CONT'D) Oh! Lucy! (looks around, panicking) Lucy! Where are you?! After a few moments, Lucy also emerges. Gru is incredibly relieved. GRU (CONT'D) Oh, Lucy! LUCY Gru! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 99. Lucy smiles and hugs Gru. They both go underwater. Then come back up. Sputtering. And in love. LUCY (CONT'D) Sorry...I guess you kind of need your arms to tread water, huh? The Minions appear in the rowboat. TOM ("Stroke!") Mack-oh! Mack-oh! Mack-oh! But they pass right by them. GRU They'll be back... TITLE CARD: 147 DATES LATER... Romantic music plays under the title card. EXT: HILLSIDE - DAY Four minions, dressed in matching suits, begin to sing a All- 4-One's "I Swear," pronounced "Underwear" in Minionese. We are at Gru and Lucy's wedding reception. We PULL BACK to the WEDDING CAKE, and then to Gru and Lucy dancing. As they dance we see all of the wedding guests watching: Gru's Mom, Dr. Nefario, Silas, Jillian, Shannon, Natalie, etc. Gru dips Lucy and they attempt their kiss, but their noses keep bumping. They finally manage to kiss and the crowd CHEERS. We see the three girls watching in their beautiful bridesmaid dresses. Agnes can barely contain her glee. PAN OVER TO Edith, who makes a face. EDITH Can I be the first to say--ewwww! The minions finish the song. The girls sit at their table. Agnes clearly has something on her mind. She SIGHS. AGNES Okay. She stands up on the table. DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 100. AGNES (CONT'D) Excuse me! Looks out at the crowd, but they can't hear her. AGNES (CONT'D) Um...hi! Excuse me! She still doesn't have the crowd's attention, so Margo taps on her glass. Everyone looks to Agnes, who is visibly nervous. AGNES (CONT'D) Uh...hi, everybody! I'd like to make some toast. Uh... She looks out at the crowd. Is really nervous. Looks over at Gru. He smiles. Mouths "okay." This helps, and Agnes pulls herself together and recites the Mothers Day poem from earlier. AGNES (CONT'D) She um...she um, kisses my boo-boos. She braids my hair. We love you mothers, everywhere! Agnes turns to Lucy and looks her right in the eyes. AGNES (CONT'D) And my new mom Lucy is beyond compare. Lucy smiles, melting. The crowd goes "awwwww." Agnes and Lucy spin around in a hug. The crowd cheers and applauds. Gru, Margo and Edith join Agnes and Lucy in a group hug. The family is complete. AGNES (CONT'D) To the bride and Gru! A minion begins to spin The Village People's "YMCA" at the DJ table. The minions, several of whom are dressed as The Village People, begin to perform the song. The minion dressed as the Chiquita banana lady also joins in. Then the entire family boogies across the dance floor, including Dr. Nefario and Gru's Mom. AGNES (CONT'D) I'M SO HAAAAPPPPYYYYYYY!!!! DESPICABLE ME 2 CINCO & KEN DRAFT 101. EXT: HILLSIDE - MOMENTS LATER A minion poses Gru, Lucy, and the girls for a formal picture. Everyone looks good. They all smile. CLICK! Another picture adds Gru's Mom, Dr. Nefario, and two minions to the group. CLICK! Another picture adds even more minions to the group. CLICK! An evil minion pops up and photobombs the last picture! EVIL MINION Blaaaaah! THE END

DETROIT ROCK CITY Written by Carl V Dupre FADE IN: INT. MRS. BRUCE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Decorated in Carol Brady chic. When it's not gaudy, tacky, and loud, it's blander than toast. Colors like lime green and sunshine orange should be reserved for popsicles only. MRS. BRUCE, late 30's, enters looking exhausted. She carries a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other, Erma Bombeck's The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank. HUMMING "We've Only Just Begun," Mrs. Bruce crouches next to her wildly-ancient entertainment center complete with 8-track. She flips the first record forward on her Ronco Record Mate. Album after album flaps forward. Olivia Newton-John, Neil Diamond, the Osmond Brothers. She stops on the Carpenters and sighs at the serene cover art. Just what the doctor ordered. Placing the vinyl on the turntable, she CLICKS the dustcover closed and FLICKS "Play." Reclining in her Lazyboy, she sips her wine, opens the book and awaits the mellow tones of Karen Carpenter. Suddenly, her eardrums are hammered by machine gun GUITAR. Caustic ROCK 'N' ROLL assaults her senses. She jumps, spilling her wine all over herself. This isn't the Carpenters... IT'S KISS! Racing to the entertainment center, she turns the volume control knob so violently, it comes off in her hand. The music is even louder now. Flustered by the awful noise, she tries lifting the dustcover. It's stuck. She screams and covers her ears. This is Hell. Running to the rear of the huge console, she stretches to reach the plug, but can't. Fingertips millimeters away. As the cacophony POUNDS she shakes the entire stereo with all her frantic might. SCREEEEEECH! The needle scrapes across the vinyl with a shrill, finally coming to a stop. Whew, silence! Then, POP, the dustcover opens unceremoniously. Shaken, she grabs the record with trembling hands and reads the label... KISS - LOVE GUN, SIDE TWO Mrs. Bruce's blood boils. MRS. BRUCE KISS! The devil's music! EXT. LEX'S HOUSE - NIGHT A small, two-story house amid a suburban neighborhood of other two-story houses. Uninspired architecture. Spindly trees. Two-car garage. A faint yellow glow emanates from a cellar window across which shadows frantically dart. Over the CRICKETS, we hear MUFFLED, BADLY-RENDERED ROCK 'N' ROLL. SCRATCHY, GUTTURAL, inhuman. CAMERA MOVES to the cellar window. Inside we see four TEENAGE BOYS who are to blame for the racket. Band practice. INT. LEX'S BASEMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT An inner-sanctum of KISS devotion. Faux-wood paneling is plastered with countless KISS posters, pictures, fold-outs. The ceiling is wallpapered with more KISS posters. KISS dolls, magazines, records, comic books clutter the shag-carpeted floor. Fast food wrappers heap over the KISS garbage pail. The four high schoolers rock their hearts out as they blast a familiar tune offensively off-key. BOYS SINGING "I wanna rock 'n' roll all night and party every day!" They stink, but they sure are trying hard. Meet the band "Mystery." Concert tee-shirts, holey jeans, total burn-outs. HAWK, a scraggily-haired, disenchanted youth, strains his vocal chords on the microphone as he SCRATCHES at his rhythm guitar. Hawk is sort of the brains of this operation, but knowing the others, that doesn't say much. LEX POUNDS a bass with earnest determination. Lanky with bad posture, Lex is already sporting worry lines. He takes everything way-too-seriously. TRIP STRUMS lead guitar like he's hammering nails. All id, Trip is slightly out of his mind. But, is it the chemicals or just his chemistry. He always wears a knit cap. JAM, a sensitive kid (but no wuss), BASHES on his drums like a madman making the bass drum pulsate like a spastic heart. The big drum bears the word "Mystery" painted on its skin with a lightning "S" just like the KISS logo. They bring the classic tune to a shrieking conclusion and thrust their hands over their heads in the KISS symbol. Hawk screams into the mike at their imaginary audience. HAWK Thank you, Cleveland! You're a great crowd. But after three and a half hours of kick-ass rock and seven encores on top of that, I'm sorry to say that this time we really gotta get back to our hotel rooms and fuck some groupies. Behind him, Trip grabs Lex's bass and swings it by the neck at an amp pretending to bash it over and over again. Lex quickly yanks it away from him. LEX What the fuck, Trip? That's my bass! Jam emerges from behind the pile of drums smiling. JAM That was curly! TRIP Just one more day of school to get through, girls, before tomorrow night... Live! (getting excited) COBO Hall! Detroit, Michigan! (like an announcer) You wanted the best! ALL FOUR BOYS You got the best! The hottest band in the world... KISS!! They all make that BREATH SOUND that mimics a screaming crowd. Suddenly, headlights swing by in the window above them like a spotlight. Lex hops onto the unmade bed and looks out the cellar window. LEX'S POV A baby-shit green, Ford station wagon with fake wood sides SCREECHES into the driveway. Mrs. Bruce gets out and STOMPS toward the house. Lex gasps at the sight. LEX Shit! It's Jam's mom! Jam GULPS as if he's just shat out an whole can of Lincoln logs. JAM My mom? Oh, no! What's she doing here? Lex quickly throws a KISS towel over a TV tray hiding a bong, cigarettes, overloaded ashtray. Trip kicks half-empty beer bottles under the bed. Hawk sprays Lysol frantically around the room as Jam shovels gum into his mouth. KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! Mrs. Bruce pounds on the cellar window crouching to see in. She looks like a crazed, underlit psycho. MRS. BRUCE (muffled through glass) Jeremiah! Jeremiah Bruce! You get out here this instant! The boys looks up like innocent, wide-eyed angels. Jam waves. JAM Oh, hi, mom. MRS. BRUCE (screams) NOW! Jam quickly pockets his drumsticks and grabs his worn, denim jacket off the pile of jackets on the floor, then runs upstairs. The others follow. EXT. LEX'S HOUSE/FRONT PORCH - NIGHT The front door opens. Jam steps out to greet his mom with a nervous smile. Hawk, Lex, and Trip stand at a safe distance in the foyer behind him. JAM What's up? Mrs. Bruce grabs her son by the ear and holds up the KISS LOVE GUN record waving it in his face. MRS. BRUCE The devil's body count, that's what's up! Don't you know what KISS stands for? "Knights in Satan's Service!" She hauls Jam across the lawn. Hawk, Lex, and Trip step onto the porch looking on in sympathetic embarrassment. Mrs. Bruce stuffs the record in the trash can then throws Jam in the front seat. SCREECH, the station wagon pulls away. TRIP Jam has yet to do an overnight with us. LEX I had a nightmare once that something like this might happen. I hope he doesn't get grounded again. If he misses Peter Criss's drum solo, I don't know if he'll be able to handle it. HAWK Lex, quit trying to always jinx things. Don't worry, dudes. Nobody's missing that concert tomorrow night. MAIN TITLES CLOSE-UP The LOVE GUN album sitting in the trash can. CAMERA MOVES IN on the round label till it FILLS THE FRAME. The record begins to spin like on a turntable as CAMERA DESCENDS INTO the little hole ENGULFING THE FRAME IN BLACK. This LEADS us INTO... OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE "ROCK 'N' ROLL ALL NITE" BLASTS the way it's supposed to sound. The jammin' KISS classic is accompanied by a barrage of QUICK CUTS depicting KISS mania. TV appearances. Concert footage. Magazine covers. Comic Books. Posters. Art work. KISS merchandise, dolls, lunch boxes, clothes, etc. We see the BAND do their thing in authentic CLIPS FROM REAL SHOWS. GENE, PAUL, ACE, AND PETER SHOUTING IT OUT LOUD. The MONTAGE is a colorful, kick-ass kaleidoscope of the entire KISS phenomena. CUT TO the BEAT of this seminal anthem. The FINAL IMAGE is the KISS "DESTROYER" POSTER. END CREDITS TICKET CHECK INT. JAM'S BEDROOM - DAY The sun's early morning rays beam through the KISS "Destroyer" poster taped onto a window shade. The phone RINGS. Jam bolts upright, his profile blocking the poster. He has just awakened under the only other decoration in his room: a crucifix. Still dressed in last night's clothes, a plain black tee- shirt and blue jeans, Jam leaps out of bed unwittingly planting a foot in the handle of a Bullworker (a piece of exercise equipment comprised of a powerful spring with two handles on either end) whose other handle is stuck under one of the bed's legs. Jam runs to a phone on his dresser, drawing the Bullworker's powerful springs out to maximum tension. No sooner does he pick up, when he is yanked to the floor and dragged across it as if tied to the bumper of a speeding car. Despite the Bullworker pulling him back toward his bed, Jam does manage to get the phone to his ear. JAM Hello? The phone's cord stretches taut causing its cradle to leap from the dresser and WHACK Jam on the head. INT. LEX'S BASEMENT/BEDROOM - DAY Hawk is on the phone as Lex and Trip scour every inch of the cluttered room on their hands and knees searching frantically for something. HAWK Jam, listen up. JAM (O.S.) Hawk? HAWK Just listen up, man, cause we are in a quandary. INT. JAM'S BEDROOM - DAY Jam clutches the phone with his shoulder GRUNTING as he does battle with the Bullworker for possession of his foot. HAWK (O.S.) Are you on the crapper with one of those antenna phones? Sounds like you're taking a dump the size of Butte, Montana. JAM It's my Bullworker. HAWK (O.S.) Anyway, listen up. They're gone! JAM What's gone? HAWK (O.S.) The KISS tickets, you nimrod! They're just fuckin' gone! Please tell me you have'm! JAM (panicked) Gone!? Why would I have the KISS tick...? HAWK (O.S.) Just check whatever you were wearing last night. Now! Jam briefly scans his surroundings double-taking at the denim jacket lying on the floor. He checks the pockets and sees four tickets labelled KISS - JUNE 7, 1978 - COBO HALL, DETROIT. JAM Whew! Oh, God, Hawk... I got'm! Somehow I musta taken Trip's jacket by mistake! INT. LEX'S BASEMENT/BEDROOM - DAY Hawk SIGHS like a deathrow convict pardoned at the last second. HAWK (to others) He's got'm! Lex and Trip collapse with relief. HAWK Trip, he took your jacket by mistake. You must be wearing Jam's. Trip reaches in a breast pocket and pulls out Rosary beads. Spooked, he drops them like they were a bug. HAWK (into phone) Cool. JAM (O.S.) I'm really sorry about that, man. HAWK Don't be a fembot. So, are you like grounded because of last night, or what? INT. JAM'S ROOM - DAY JAM Of course, but has that ever stopped me before? Besides, my mom's going to some church meeting and won't be back till late. No sweat... See you guys in school. CLICK. DIAL TONE. Jam hangs up. INT. LEX'S BASEMENT/BEDROOM - DAY Lex buckles his belt with its huge KISS belt buckle. LEX Poor, Jam, man. Imagine having to stash your KISS records inside Carly Simon album covers. No question, Mrs. Bruce is a psycho-bitch from hell. TRIP You're one to talk, Lex. Your mom's a fuckin' dyke. Trip pockets his wallet which is affixed to a long chain attached to a side belt loop. LEX Trip, a female gynecologist does not a lesbian make. And even if it did, at least my mom didn't give birth to me while she was on LSD. TRIP Shrooms! And even if it was LSD, I can still give my mom a kiss without smelling the catch of the day. HAWK Both you assholes, SHADDAP! Lex and Trip shaddap. HAWK Enough of the mom-bashing, all right? Lex's mom is cool about us crashing over here while she's out of town. And if it weren't for Trip's mom, we wouldn'ta smoked that fine Panama Red last night. So leave the women who gave you life out of it. They're both cool. Trip and Lex cease and desist the mom-bashing and continue getting ready for school. Suddenly, Lex pushes Trip angrily. LEX Trip, you fuckin' asshole. TRIP What? Lex points to a wet mess on the pillow. LEX You spilled my Sea Monkeys all over the bed. DRESSING UP INT. JAM'S BEDROOM - DAY Jam gives the Bullworker one final yank. This time it comes loose... not from his foot, but from under the bed. Its handle lashes up SLAPPING him across the face. Ouch. Fully awake now, Jam throws on Trip's denim jacket. He stuffs a drumstick into his left sock. We see "Mystery" written on it. Just as he's about to stick the other one in his right sock... Without a second of warning, or even a knock, Mrs. Bruce suddenly ENTERS. Immediately Jam stands. MRS. BRUCE Jeremiah, what are you doing? JAM Uhh... nothing. She turns to his closet, the door blocking her view of the KISS poster. Jam leaps to the window and yanks the "Destroyer" shade. It shoots up, FLAPPING around its rod. He's done this before. Mrs. Bruce peeks at Jam from around his closet door. He stretches in front of the window. JAM Ahh, sunshine. MRS. BRUCE You're going to be late if you don't hurry up and change soon. JAM Change? What's wrong with what I got on? MRS. BRUCE It's dirty laundry for one thing and for another, you still haven't worn the clothes I bought you. You're skating on thin ice already, young man, so I wouldn't push my luck. Now get out of those rags. JAM But, mom! MRS. BRUCE Besides, those jeans are so tight I can see your penis. Jam reluctantly takes off the denim jacket as Mrs. Bruce grabs the single drumstick from his hand and shakes it at him. MRS. BRUCE Someday you'll see the futility in forging a musical career with those idiots. She turns and rummages through the closet. JAM (to himself) They're not idiots. MRS. BRUCE Now don't forget you're on the honor system tonight. I'll be home a little after one and if you've been partying or playing that satanic KISS music... well, need I remind you of the consequences? JAM Grounded for the rest of the year? MRS. BRUCE You're a smart boy, Jeremiah. And so handsome. She pulls two Sears department store boxes from the closet and lays them on the bed. Jam is visibly horrified. THIS IS YOUR MOTHER! / THE GIRL'S ROOM EXT. ROBERT F. KENNEDY HIGH - DAY The suburban high school is teeming with morning activity. School buses pull up to the curb. KIDS arrive in droves and immediately find their cliques. The JOCKS and PRIMADONNAS make up the popular crowd. There's DISCO DUDES, FRESHMEN who look like grade schoolers, and GEEKS. At the smoking section hang the BURNOUTS. Hawk, Trip, and Lex stand amid the other long-hairs. TRIP School. What a fuckin' waste of time. Two GIRLS with tons of make-up, hair so feathered it could fly, and tight clothes, saunter by SNAPPING gum. HAWK Will somebody please tell those chicks disco is dead. LEX Stellas. I hate stellas almost as much as I hate dogs. TRIP Same species when you think about it. Their words say one thing, but their eyes say another. They can't stop gawking at the chicks' asses. Girl #1 sneers back. GIRL #1 Don't stare too long, you'll go blind. The boys quickly cover. LEX (defensive) Yeah, right. She wishes. Look at that big ass. TRIP You know what they say about a big ass... big shit. They chuckle. Just then, Jam steps off a school bus in an unbelievably geeky outfit, white corduroy slacks, plaid shirt buttoned to the top, argyle socks and brown deck shoes. TRIP Hey, that dork looks just like Jam. Hawk and Lex look and laugh when they see him. LEX Shit, that dork is Jam. HAWK (to Jam) YO, DOOFUS! Jam gives them the finger. INT. SCHOOL LOCKER AREA - DAY Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam grab books from their lockers. KISS stickers, photos, and rock magazine cut-outs line the insides. Jam's locker door is covered with Peter Criss only. TRIP So, Jam, who did your wardrobe, Tad the preppie sailboat captain? JAM Hey, my mom had me over a barrel, all right. After last night, I had to let her dress me today. It's a give and take relationship. LEX Yeah, she gives you shit and you take it. HAWK Okay, enough. Enough. Gimme the tickets. I wanna hold onto them. JAM They're still at my house in Trip's jacket. HAWK They're what? JAM She was standing right over me when I was changing for fuck's sake. TRIP That's some sick shit right there. Did she comb your ass hair for you too? LEX If your mom so much as smells those tickets, they're history, and we get screwed outta seeing KISS for the third year in a row, the third year! JAM Don't worry about it. They're perfectly safe. We can pick them up after school. My mom won't be home. It's no problem. HAWK All right. After school we double- time it to your house for the tix before heading to the train station for the 2:45 to Detroit Rock City. JAM Check. The BELL RINGS. HAWK As they say in the Tampon biz, see you next period. SLAM! They shut their lockers in unison. INT. STUDY HALL - DAY The STUDY HALL TEACHER grades papers. On the wall a picture of President Carter hangs next to Old Glory. The words "Be Quiet" are written on the blackboard. Students study, read, doodle, sleep. Jam is at his desk touching up the word "Mystery" on his drumstick. Next to him sits BETH. Quirky, but cute, she stares longingly at him wanting to say something, but not having the guts. Pleased with his work, Jam puts the drumsticks on the desk and opens a Peter Criss album cover notebook depicting countless doodles of the KISS logo, the Mystery logo, and renderings of Peter Criss. Beth SIGHS and opens her own notebook. Drawings of hearts fill the pages. In them is written "Beth + Jeremiah" and "I love Jeremiah." Then, one of Jam's drumsticks rolls off the desk and onto the floor. Beth quickly reaches down to grab it for him just as he bends to get it too. THUD, they bash heads. JAM Oof! (whispering) Sorry. Rubbing her head, she smiles and hands him the drumstick. BETH No problem. JAM Thanks. He stuffs his drumsticks in his socks pulling his pantlegs down. Jam and Beth stare at each other. There's a mutual crush, but both are apprehensive about making the first move. Both want to speak, neither does. They awkwardly go back to their notebooks. Mustering the nerve, Jam breaks the ice and whispers... JAM Beth? Beth spins too quickly. Her pen flies out of her hand. BETH Yes? BOINK! The pen hits Jam in the eye. JAM Ow! Feeling awful, Beth moves in to help. The teacher looks up sternly. STUDY HALL TEACHER Mr. Bruce, Miss Bumsteen, is there a problem? BETH No. No problem. Jam points to his eye. JAM Just a little pink eye. No reason to panic. Unamused, the teacher goes back to grading. BETH (whispering) Sorry. JAM (handing back pen) It's okay. Beth resumes doodling feeling like an idiot. Jam does too. Ah, teenage awkwardness. Finally, Beth musters up some courage. BETH Jeremiah? JAM Yeah? She hems and haw, then... BETH I wanted to tell you something... I... Suddenly, Beth is rudely interrupted by HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK coming from the P.A. The PRINCIPAL'S VOICE ECHOES over it. PRINCIPAL'S VOICE Jeremiah Bruce, come to the office immediately... Jam throws a startled glance to the speaker as the class sings in unison. WHOLE CLASS Oooo, you're in troubaaaallll. PRINCIPAL'S VOICE Your mother's here and would like to see you right away... More FEEDBACK as the mike on the other end changes hands. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE Give me that microphone... Jeremiah, you get your sorry self down to this office, mister! All the kids except for Beth burst into hysterical laughter. Mrs. Bruce's tirade continues over QUICK SHOTS of... INT. HAWK'S SCIENCE CLASS - DAY Hawk sits at his lab table burning an eraser with his Bunsen burner. His eyes widen with horror behind his goggles as the other STUDENTS laugh till they hurt. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE I found some things in the pockets of your jacket while I was picking up your disgusting laundry today... INT. LEX'S GYM CLASS - DAY Lex's eyes bug with terror. The basketball game is at a standstill as everyone is crippled with laughter. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE Cigarettes! Marijuana! Prophylactics! INT. TRIP'S HEALTH CLASS - DAY Trip dozes at his desk as an out-of-date film about VD sputters on. The room is deafening with laughter. Then, as if hit by a ton of bricks, Trip wakes up alarmed by the familiar, shrilly voice. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE And something much, much worse! TRIP Holy shit, my jacket! 4-WAY SPLIT SCREEN We see Jam, Hawk, Lex, and Trip agog in dread. MRS. BRUCE'S VOICE If you know what's good for you, you'll get down here... NOW! INT. JAM'S STUDY HALL - DAY Jam slowly sinks in his chair under the profoundly humiliating weight of an ENTIRE SCHOOL'S ECHOED LAUGHTER. INT. WAITING AREA - DAY Mrs. Bruce sits next to a stand-up ashtray in the high school's waiting area. Scowling, she fans the KISS tickets out with one hand. Jam sits across from her, one leg jittering anxiously. They sit for an uncomfortably long time until... Mrs. Bruce pulls a cigarette and lighter out of her purse. MRS. BRUCE I made an appointment with Father Phillip McNulty at St. Bernard's. We're to see him directly where he will register you on the spot. JAM You mean, you're sending me to... b- b-boarding school? MRS. BRUCE What else can I do? Oh, records and magazines and comic books are one thing, but tickets? TICKETS? Jeremiah, do you realize what this means? That you're no longer content merely hearing their awful songs or looking at photos of their horrific faces! Now you want to see the devil in the flesh. You want to reach out and touch pure evil... and in Detroit no less! She flicks the lighter, not yet lighting the cigarette. JAM Mom, three of those tickets don't even belong to me. They're for the guys. Mrs. Bruce holds the tickets over the lighter's flame. MRS. BRUCE And if the "guys" have parents who truly love them, they will elevate me to sainthood for getting rid of these blasted things. Mrs. Bruce lights her smoke with the flaming tickets, then drops them in the ashtray where they burn for a cruel eternity. Jam stares semi-catatonic through his mom's sour expression. MRS. BRUCE It's been a long time coming, son, but you're finally going to get the kind of discipline you deserve. She stands and pulls him out the front entrance by his arm. REVERSE ANGLE ON NEARBY CORNER Hawk, Trip, and Lex peek around it, their heads forming a totem pole. One-by-one they pull back. AROUND THE CORNER They slump against the wall devastated. LEX I knew it! I knew this was gonna happen! I had a bad feeling since last night. Remember? We are so totally fucked! TRIP Waitaminit, dudes! I got it! Maybe we can glue the tickets back together! HAWK What are you, high? TRIP Yeah. HAWK For once Lex is right. It's over. Things can't get any worse from here. Suddenly, a caustic voice BLURTS from down the hall. VOICE I hope you rodents have hall passes! The boys whip their heads around to see a potbellied, yellow- toothed, security officer with long sideburns and slicked back hair at the far end of the hall, fists on his hips. Meet ELVIS. LEX Wanna bet. ELVIS Could that be three detentions I smell? Elvis laughs and breaks into a run barreling down on them like a maniac. Keys JANGLING furiously. HAWK Second floor girls' john! Two minutes! He'll never look there! LEX Check! They take off in three different directions. Still laughing, Elvis stops where the boys just were. Which one to follow? He bolts after Hawk who has taken the nearest staircase. INT./EXT. JAM'S STUDY HALL - DAY Beth looks sadly out the window watching Mrs. Bruce push Jam in the car. Beth puts her hand on the pane wanting to touch him. INT. STAIRWAY - DAY Meanwhile, Elvis HUFFS and PUFFS up a flight of stairs arriving at a set of swinging doors. He goes to push one in, but it swings out at him with a vengeance knocking him backward. From behind it pops Hawk wielding a fire extinguisher. BLAST! A hail of foam covers Elvis's face. Hawk shoves the extinguisher into the man's arms and pushes Elvis backwards down the stairs. He topples ass-over-head till he hits the landing. HAWK You're way out of your league, Elvis. Elvis rises and shakes the CO2 off like a wet dog. Looking up, he sees the door gently swinging in and out. No sign of Hawk. INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - DAY Trip kicks a bathroom stall violently. TRIP Fuck! Shit! Lex sits on the toilet in the stall. LEX Hey, take it easy, man. This is the girls' crapper, remember? TRIP Wake up, Lex! We just watched Jam's mom torch our fuckin' KISS tickets! Not REO Speedwagon! Not Journey! Not the Bay City Rollers! KISS! If you can think of a better reason to trash a bathroom, I'd sure like to hear it! LEX Trip, it's not the end of the world, okay? Quit acting all squeezed out. Trip grabs Lex by the collar, yanks him off the toilet and shoves him against the wall. TRIP Oh, everything's hunky-dory now that the shit hit the fan just like you said it would, you snug sonofabitch! You fuckin' jinxed us! LEX Smug, Trip! Not snug, smug. Hawk bursts into the bathroom. HAWK We're clear, dudes. They run to exit. Hawk first. Suddenly, Hawk backs up again into Trip and Lex as if a swarm of killer bees was out there. HAWK A skirt just came around the corner. Hawk, Trip, and Lex run back and pile into the last stall. All three stand on the toilet bracing their arms against the walls for balance. A FOXY GIRL hurries into the stall next to theirs. We see the top halves of three heads peek over the stall's partition. The three boys don't make a sound as they watch her sit down. As she glances up, they recoil fast. They whisper super-quiet. HAWK That's Sherry VanHafton. LEX I've been in love with her since the second grade. Then, a SOUND OF TINKLING. They all throw their hands over their mouths to stifle the giggles. Suddenly, POOT! She lets out an ECHOED FART. The boys are awestruck. HAWK Whoa... she just farted. LEX I have never heard a girl squeeze cheese in my entire life. HAWK Weird... Pause. TRIP Peeeyeewww! That stinks! Just then, the SOUND OF CRACKING PORCELAIN, as the toilet they're standing on breaks into pieces with a SMASH. They topple over pulling the stall walls down with them exposing the foxy chick sitting on the can. Water GUSHES everywhere as she screams bloody murder, getting doused ruining her Farrah-do. They bolt out the door slipping and sliding across the torrent of toilet water. Lex turns and shrugs to the traumatized girl. LEX Heh-heh, sorry. He's gone. CALLER 106 / ELVIS ATTACKS INT. MRS. BRUCE'S CAR - DAY Mrs. Bruce uses a finished cigarette to light another. MRS. BRUCE Someday you'll have a son just like you, Jeremiah. A boy who lies through his teeth, buys demonic records, and smokes the dope just like you. JAM (numbly) If I'm anything like you, I'll deserve him. MRS. BRUCE What?! JAM I said, I'm sorry! MRS. BRUCE If you truly are sorry, son, then you better pray like you've never prayed before. God willed me to find those tickets because He wanted to hear from you. He knows you need help and He wants you to ask Him for it. EXT. ST. BERNARD'S - DAY Mrs. Bruce's car turns off the road and drives through an imposing set of wrought iron gates. The sign reads: St. Bernard's Veil of Tears. A School for Catholic Boys. INT. MRS. BRUCE'S CAR - DAY Jam looks at what lies ahead. His face becomes a mask of pure terror. We hear a THUNDER CLAP as Jam puts his hands together and closes his eyes humbling himself. He whispers. JAM Please, God, help. EXT. ST. BERNARD'S - DAY The car winds up the path leading to a dark, Gothic edifice over which tumultuous storm clouds continuously hover. THUNDER BELCHES and bolts of lightning shoot at the blackened crucifixes along the structure. We hear a SCARY ORGAN theme. INT. VOC/TECH DEPT. - DAY Except for the tinkering NOISES that are heard as the STUDENTS work on their projects, there is silence in Electronics Class. The teacher, MR. JOHANSEN, sips from a coffee cup and reads a newspaper, his feet on the desk. The headline says: "Mass Suicide in Jonestown. Cyanide in the Kool-Aid." Above him is a long banner reading: "Sorry, Absolutely no bathroom breaks". Hawk, Trip, and Lex sit before a half-built radio on a work bench, sheer desperation etched on their faces. Lex solders two copper wires together. Hawk attaches a dial. Trip absently plays with a squeeze pump attached to a long plastic tube. He blows air into his face repeatedly with it. TRIP (re:squeeze pump/tube) Wonder if you could smoke shit out of this? HAWK Maybe some tunage'll chase those blues away. Hawk turns the radio on and a HIGH FREQUENCY WHINE pours from its speaker. He adjusts the volume, then the tuner, until a DJ's VOICE comes through crisp and clear. DJ'S VOICE ...and this is Simple Simon on the rock of Detroit, W.A.R.P., home of the biggest KISS giveaway in the history of the universe! Detroit? DETROIT? Hawk, Trip, and Lex react like they've just been hit by phasers on stun. God is intervening. DJ'S VOICE I got four, count 'em, four front row tickets along with four backstage passes to the concert tonight at Cobo Hall and I'm giving them to the 106th caller who can tell me the real names of each KISS band member! HIGH FREQUENCY NOISES again, then the radio loses reception. Hawk exchanges an anxious glance with Trip and Lex. LEX Too bad we're stuck in electronics or... HAWK Never mind with the too bad shit. I got a crazy plan, but only the craziest among us can pull it off. DISSOLVE TO: MOMENTS LATER Mr. Johansen still sits with his feet up, reading. The next page's headline reads: First Test Tube Baby Born. Trip runs up to Mr. J's desk, one hand behind his back, the other on his crotch. His face is drawn in an expression of sheer agony. Hawk and Lex watch anxiously in the background. MR.J Mr. Verudi, get back to your bench. Trip puts one leg over the other always keeping a hand behind his back. TRIP But I gotta take a piss like you would not believe, Mr. Johansen! MR.J Put a clothespin on it till the end of class, Verudi. You know my rule. TRIP But ever since my doctor put me on salt pills, it's been like Niagara Falls every half hour! Please, Mr. J! Have mercy! Suddenly, a wet stain grows across the crotch of Trip's pants. MR.J Salt pills? Don't insult my intelligence, Verudi... Mr. J. stops when he sees the stain starting to spread. TRIP Jeezis, I'm taking a leak in my pants! We now see Trip is squeezing the pump from before. He holds it behind him feeding water into the tube running down the back of his pants. The stain travels fast, hitting Trip's knee in a nanosecond. In a state of shock, Mr. J. slowly opens a long forgotten drawer on his desk, finding a cobweb and dust-covered pad of bathroom passes. He tears one off and dust flies everywhere. He holds the pass out to Trip like it was a cross he was holding before an advancing vampire. MR.J (hoarsely) Get the hell out of here, Verudi! You disgust me! Hawk and Lex observe that Trip has been successful, then do a Three Stooges-style handshake, whispering "Curly!" INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY The SECRETARY sits at her desk in the reception area filing paperwork. She pauses when she hears RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. Trip charges past, a big, wet stain on his crotch. The secretary notices the pump and tube flopping from the back of his pants as Trip turns a corner. INT. MAIN CORRIDOR - DAY Trip runs up to a pay phone on the wall, pumps every nickel he has into it, puts the phone to his ear and dials. TRIP I need to be connected to the W.A.R.P. contest hotline... Now... lady!... Hello, is this me? I'm Trip. INT. SCHOOL SECURITY OFFICE - DAY A cubby-of-an-office. Cluttered beyond belief. Elvis leans back on his chair against the wall reading a PLOP Magazine. A transistor radio plays W.A.R.P. He bolts at the sound of Trip's name causing his chair to slide out from under him. THWAM! TRIP ON RADIO Am I on the air?... Yeah... Gene Klein, Stanley Eisen, Paul Frehley, and Peter, uh, Criscoula... yeah, that's it! INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY The secretary hears an ecstatic "YEEEHAAWW" and turns to see Trip wheeling back around the corner, leaping in the air as he runs, YOWLING like a rodeo cowboy. He bounds past her. She watches him and shakes her head. SECRETARY (to herself) Moron. INT. SECURITY OFFICE - DAY Still on the floor, Elvis grabs the little radio with rage, flips it off and screams at it. ELVIS Why you little...! Over my dead body! The bell RINGS. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE VOC/TECH ROOM - DAY Students pour into the hall. Hawk and Lex exit the class just as Trip comes zigzagging down the corridor dodging the hordes. All three converge as Trip can't contain his enthusiasm. TRIP I did it! I did it! We won! LEX We won?! HAWK Fuckin' A! Woooooo! The three burnouts jump, scream, HOOT, and play air instruments like loons as if they're the only ones in the hall. They can't stop. The rest of the student body are not amused INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Hawk, Trip, and Lex hold their trays over the counter as the LUNCH LADIES fill them with Salisbury steak, hard dinner rolls and scoops of bluish pudding. Ah, public school nutrition. TRIP (stoked) This is the best thing that ever happened to me at school! Not only are we on again for KISS in Detroit, but we're actually sitting right at the fifty yard line! I dare you dudes to find a curlier scenario. HAWK (double stoked) Stan Lee couldn't think of a better one. LEX The Chinese have a proverb: "That which appears too good to be true, usually is." There's gotta be a catch. TRIP Yeah? I have a saying too, Lex. It goes, "Catch my jizz in your mouth and stop jinxing us, asshole." We're going this time and that's all there is to it. HAWK I'm afraid our constipated little friend is right this time, Trip. There is a catch. Hawk's really got their attention now. TRIP Namely? HAWK Our band "Mystery" is a quartet and we can't go on the road without our drummer. Jam's mom said something about sending him to St. Bernard's, right? We gotta bust him out before we go anywhere. LEX But... but, St. Bernard's is way the hell over in the next county! HAWK So? Your mom's car has a CB, radar detector and cruise control, check? LEX We are not stealing my mom's car. HAWK Damn straight we are. LEX Hawk, all I need is one ding on the Volvo and presto! There are my balls hanging from the rearview mirror after she gets back from Cincinnati. HAWK And when is she due back from that groinecologist's convention anyway? LEX Sunday, but... HAWK Then lighten up. She'll never know we touched it. Alright, here's the plan. We bus it to chez Lex, grab the Volvo, bail Jam the hell outta St. Bernard's and arrive at the train station precisely on time for the 2:45 to Detroit. TRIP Simplicity, Hawk. LEX Simple-icity is more like it. And you guys thought Jam was in trouble before. Wait till Mrs. Bruce finds out he went to that concert with us. HAWK There's only so much trouble an individual can get into till it just doesn't matter anymore, Lex. You familiar with a condition known as Absolute Zero? LEX The hypothetical temperature characterized by the absence of heat and even the slightest amount of molecular activity? Yeah, I'm vaguely familiar HAWK Well, Jam is in absolute trouble. He couldn't get any deeper into shit if he was a fly sitting in a horse's ass. You know as well as me he'd give his right arm just to see Peter Criss's drum solo, never mind a whole KISS concert, check? Lex nods. HAWK Well, the least we, his only buds in the world, can do is take him along with us tonight and give him one last curl before he starts serving his sentence. TRIP Just for the record, I understood the last part of what you said, but for a while there you guys were making no fucking sense whatsoever. HAWK I was just explaining to Lex here what you and I already know. Just had to make it a little more complicated so he'd understand. LEX Very funny, Hawk. Okay, I'm in on this hare-brained scheme, but if anything happens to my mom's car, I'm blaming you. I'll say you drugged me or something. HAWK Curly. Hawk scopes out the cafeteria to make sure the coast is clear. HAWK Ok, dudes, follow my lead. LEX Wait a minute. We ditching the rest of school? TRIP About fuckin' time if you ask me. I'm just going through the motions till I drop out anyway. LEX Hello summer detention. HAWK As I was saying, follow my lead. And maintain. Elvis just showed up. Hawk points across the cafeteria and sure enough Elvis has just entered. Luckily, he hasn't noticed the boys yet. Elvis swaggers to a table of CHEERLEADERS, puts his leg on a chair and starts a one-sided conversation with them. They promptly push their trays away, having lost their appetites. Meanwhile, back at the condiment tray, Hawk and Trip each grab a big handful of ketchup packets and head to a table. Lex reluctantly follows suit grabbing a big handful of ketchup packets too. All three of them put their trays down and sit. HAWK (eyeing Elvis) Five second rule, boys. See you on the other side. Hawk approaches the exit door, glances either way, then leaves. Trip and Lex look at their watches for five seconds. Then Trip heads for the exit door also. Lex still stares at his watch. After five, he looks at Elvis, who stops talking to the cheerleaders. As if possessing some sixth sense, Elvis turns quickly and looks STRAIGHT INTO CAMERA. ELVIS'S POV -- He spots the swinging exit door and an empty table with three full lunch trays sitting on it. ELVIS Excuse me, ladies. Relieved he's gone, the cheerleaders start eating again. Elvis moves through the cafeteria in SLOW MOTION toward the exit door. The hunter in action. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Elvis pushes through the door and into a hall, dead-eye stare focused up ahead where the hallway turns sharply. He catches a glimpse of Lex. Smiling like the devil, Elvis bolts. INT. OTHER HALLWAY - DAY Lex catches up with Hawk and Trip just as Elvis swings around the corner and marauds after them CACKLING maniacally. A mad chase ensues. Down hallways. Around corners. Upstairs. Down ramps. Hawk, Trip, and Lex scramble as fast as they can to escape the clutches of their sideburn-clad nemesis. As the boys pass a classroom, a NERD comes out pushing a projector on an AV cart. Thinking fast, Hawk grabs it out of the nerd's hands and pushes it down the hall at Elvis. NERD Hey, I'm responsible for that! CRASH! Elvis bashes face-first into the rolling cart. He and the projector go tumbling. Not wasting a second, Elvis is back on his feet and after them again. The nerd grabs his hair in horror at the sight of the smashed projector. AROUND A CORNER Elvis SKIDS around the corner and trips on a fire hose stretched across the floor from its glass box to a water fountain pipe. He slides on his belly along the polished floor unable to stop. INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY Old MISS HIBBS is lecturing on MOBY DICK. The kids are dozing. MISS HIBBS Then a cry from the crow's nest... "Thar she blows!" Suddenly, a screaming Elvis slides into the open door on his stomach and bowls Miss Hibbs over like a Brunswick. He clamors to his feet and shoots out the room leaving everyone stunned. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Pausing at the corner, Elvis takes a breath and leaps around it. He smiles at what he sees. Up ahead, Hawk, Lex, and Trip stand on a 3-stair stoop, desperately pulling at a locked door. Elvis smiles. They GULP. ELVIS KISS concert? Kiss my ass morelike. A nice, fat detention oughta put a crimp in this evening's plans. Elvis takes his key ring off his belt and begins twirling it. The boys turn and face him. He savors the moment. ELVIS Looking for something, rodents? HAWK Yeah, Elvis... Hawk's brow furrows as he pulls about fifty ketchup packets out of his pocket. Trip and Lex do the same. HAWK ..Your ass on a lunch tray. Elvis laughs and lurches forward -- the boys' cue to drop the ketchup packets at their feet and... HAWK On your marks and... Trip and Lex ready themselves, then... HAWK Fire! They start stomping on the packets, squirting Elvis's face and torso with tomato-based condiment causing him to let out a scream that lasts the rest of the scene. Ketchup spatters across his body in SUPER SLOW MOTION. A shot hits him in the mouth and he COUGHS it back out in mid-scream. The boys stomp relentlessly, mercilessly, blasting their nemesis with hideous cafeteria red as Elvis throws his arms back, body quaking at every splat. It's kind of like the scene in "The Godfather" where Sonny gets it. Beaten and spent, his scream now dried up to a hoarse GASPING, Elvis slips on some ketchup at his feet. He hits the floor with a THUD right in the goop. He lays there letting out DRY SOBS looking like a bunless wiener. Hawk jumps off the stoop. Taking Elvis's key chain away, he hops back up and unlocks the door letting Trip and Lex out. Hawk whips the keys back at Elvis, hitting him in the head, then flashes a pearly Error Flynn smile. HAWK Elvis, you ain't nothin' but a hot dog. Hawk bolts out the door. Elvis tries to get up only to slip in the muck again and fall back down twice as hard. ELVIS Nooooo!! JAILBREAK EXT. STREET IN THE NEXT COUNTY - DAY C/U on the grill of a moving car, Ohio vanity plate reading: Ob-GYN. PULL BACK to reveal it's on a brand spanking-new, brown Volvo 242 DL hauling ass. Hawk drives, Lex rides shotgun, and Trip sits in the back, arms draped over the front seat. EXT. ST. BERNARD'S - DAY The Volvo turns and barrels up St. Bernard's gated entrance. INT. VOLVO - DAY TRIP Well, here we are back at fucking school again. LEX Huh. St. Bernard's. Figures it's named after a canine. Hawk and Trip roll their eyes. INT. ST. BERNARD'S BOARDING SCHOOL - DAY Mrs. Bruce and FATHER McNULTY stand outside his office. The door is open a tad. Jam sits just beyond it, but all we see are his corduroyed legs which shake. Jam is one nervous kid. MRS. BRUCE Again, many thanks and praise to you for seeing Jeremiah on such short notice. Father McNulty has a look of utter compassion on his face. FATHER MCNULTY Anything for a potential tuition... to be given to charity of course. MRS. BRUCE God bless you, Father McNulty. FATHER MCNULTY He already has. They hug. She exits. And the look of utter compassion on Father McNulty's face disappears. INT. FATHER MCNULTY'S OFFICE - DAY The priest enters, SLAMS the door shut, startling Jam, and sits in front of a painting of the Virgin Mary on his wall. The name plate on his desk reads: FR. PHILIP McNULTY. FATHER MCNULTY Before enrolling you, Jeremiah, let me just say it would be greatly appreciated if your career at St. Bernard's was an uneventful one. Some students believe they can get expelled through disobedience and recklessness. What they don't understand is even after God's vengeance is meted out, He forgives. That His devastating anger is followed by His nurturing compassion. In a nutshell, St. Bernard's may punish you even for the slightest digression, but will never cast you out, even for the largest. So here you are, Jeremiah... here to stay! Father McNulty sticks the pencil into an electric pencil sharpener and it makes the same NOISE a DENTIST'S DRILL does when burrowing into a molar. Jam shudders. The Father removes the pencil and blows the shavings away from the needle-sharp tip. FATHER MCNULTY Let's begin the enrollment, shall we? EXT. ST. BERNARD'S - DAY Mrs. Bruce exits the building and approaches her car. She stops when she sees the '78 brown Volvo parked behind her. It's empty. She shrugs and gets into her car, driving off. Inside the Volvo Hawk, Trip, and Lex poke their heads up. The coast is clear so they can sit straight again. They stare up at a second story window where they see part of Jam's profile. LEX Now, how are we gonna do this? HAWK Gimme a second, dudes. Lemme think. They hear an ENGINE and turn to see a delivery truck labelled PIZZA PIG parking behind them. A DELIVERY BOY holding a pizza box steps out. Trip's mouth waters. TRIP (licking his chops) Mmm, pizza... Seeing the boys, the delivery boy stops at the Volvo. DELIVERY BOY Hey, you guys know where... (looks at slip on box) Philip McNutly's office is? Hawk, Trip, and Lex exchange an anxious glance, then Hawk smiles. He is officially inspired as he turns to the boy. HAWK Yeah, I'm Philip McNutly. INT. FATHER MCNULTY'S OFFICE - DAY The Father TAPS his pencil looking impatiently at Jam who has totally withdrawn. He sits motionless staring into space. FATHER MCNULTY Jeremiah, are you aware you need to answer these questions, not just listen to them? Jeremiah? Jam doesn't respond. FATHER MCNULTY Please don't become difficult this early in your stay. I hate disciplining boys before I get to know them. A NUN enters KNOCKING. NUN Forgive me, Father. A young man here with a pizza for you? FATHER MCNULTY Ah, yes! Send him in Sister Conimaria. The nun exits and a second later Hawk enters wearing Lex's baseball cap pulled down over his eyes. FATHER MCNULTY Well, what's the damage, pizza fellow? HAWK Ten even. The priest swivels his chair around and unlocks a box labelled "Donations." While he looks for cash, Hawk gives Jam a discreet kick in the shin. Jam looks up and recognizes Hawk. He then looks out the window seeing Trip, Lex, and the Volvo below. For the first time we see what Jam looks like with a big, fat, shit-eating grin on his face. HAWK (whispering to Jam) If he offers you a slice, you're not the least bit hungry, check? JAM (whispering) Check. Father McNulty swivels back around with a ten. FATHER MCNULTY Here's ten and I'm donating your tip to the church. The Lord thanks you. HAWK Tell the Big Guy not to mention it. Hawk takes the ten, tips the brim of the baseball cap and leaves, giving Jam a cautious wink as he goes. FATHER MCNULTY And not a moment too soon. I'm famished. I hope you brought a lunch for yourself. JAM No, but I'm not hungry anyway. Father McNulty raises his eyebrows, then opens the pizza box. FATHER MCNULTY Well! It finally speaks. There's one barrier we've broken through. Father McNulty smiles, taking a big bite. Jam smiles for an entirely different reason. The priest mumbles with a mouthful. FATHER MCNULTY You know, your coming here reminds me of a gospel called The Prodigal Son. Jam grins a bit feigning interest. FATHER MCNULTY There was once a farmer who had two sons. Both grew up on the farm, helping their father until... (suddenly alarmed) GYYAACK! Father McNulty GAGS sticking his pizza-covered tongue out. He pours himself a glass of wine and sucks it down looking concerned for the moment. Finally, he BELCHES. FATHER MCNULTY That was a very stale mushroom. (beat) Where was I?... Ah, yes, one day the elder son decided to leave the farm... INT. VOLVO - DAY Hawk, Trip, and Lex look up at Father McNulty's window. TRIP Usually takes anywhere from ten minutes to half an hour. They look at their watches, then back at the window. HAWK Shit! This is such a lousy view. How the hell are we gonna know when he's lit? Just then, INSANE LAUGHTER bellows from the window above. TRIP He's lit. INT. FATHER MCNULTY'S OFFICE - DAY The Father has undergone a metamorphosis. He's redder than a boiling lobster, his eyes bulge and he's laughing the deepest laugh a man can without risking psychological evaluation. Jam watches fascinated as the priest tries to finish the story. It's not every day you see a holy man tripping on shrooms. FATHER MCNULTY (in mid-guffaw) So then, the younger one says, "But dad... I've been helping you on the farm my entire life! (belly laugh) You never once slaughtered the fatted calf for me!" And then... (more belly laughter) Forgive me, Jeremiah, it's just that... I've been telling this gospel for years and... I just now realized it's the work of some comedy mastermind! The Prodigal Son is a barrel of fucking monkeys! Father McNulty belly laughs so hard this time, he slides off his chair hitting his chin on the edge of his desk. He is in pain only momentarily, then laughs again, this time at his own pratfall. He hoists himself back into his chair. Hawk, Trip, and Lex suddenly barge into the office, followed by the outraged nun. NUN You kids can't go in there! HAWK It's okay, we're old buds of Father McNulty... How's it hangin', padre? FATHER MCNULTY A little to the right, pizza fellow. Father McNulty laughs some more. HAWK That was another dude. Anyway, we're here to take our bud Jam to the big satanic KISS concert tonight. Okay with you? FATHER MCNULTY (waving) Rock on! Jam gets up and all four boys exit. FATHER MCNULTY (yelling after them) Give my regards to the guy with the really big tongue! The nun looks at the priest, deep concern in her eyes. FATHER MCNULTY What the hell are you doing, Sister Gonorrhea, waiting for a bus? He lets out a belly laugh as the shocked nun runs from the office. Father McNulty laughs even louder at her behavior, POUNDING his fists on the desk, tears rolling down his cheeks, until... He suddenly glimpses at the painting of the Virgin Mary and abruptly stops laughing. What appears to be extreme contrition washes over his face as he moves closer to the painting. FATHER MCNULTY Jesus H. Christ, look at all the colors. GUIDOS INT. VOLVO - DAY Hawk drives, Trip rides shotgun, Lex and Jam sit in the back. Stoked beyond belief, Jam POUNDS his drumsticks on the upholstery to the beat of a rockin' KISS tune playing on the 8-track. JAM Oh, man, my mom is gonna send me to Alcatraz for this and I don't even care! I'm gonna see Peter Criss's drum solo! Lex taps Jam on the shoulder. LEX Not looking like that, Mr. Rogers. Lex hands him a paper bag with jeans and a tee-shirt in it. LEX We got you a change of duds when we picked up the car. HAWK Next stop: the 2:45 to Detroit Rock City! The boys do their Three Stooges handshake and say "Curly!" Jam starts to change. Just then, the Volvo passes a two-tone Chevy Impala with luggage tied to the roof. The passenger in the back seat turns and spots Jam pulling off his pants. It's Beth. Her eyes bulge. Beth parents are in the front. Jam spots her and beams. Their eyes lock. She waves and starts to yell something, when... suddenly... BANG! The boys look out the driver's side of the car to see the rear hubcap rolling away. They've got a flat. LEX (screams) My mom's hubcap! The car fishtails and weaves but Hawk manages to pull over. The Chevy continues on, Beth gazing out the rear window sadly. HAWK Shit! (looks at car clock) Anybody know how long it takes to fix a flat? EXT. LOCAL TRAIN STOP - DAY ANGLE ON a status report. The 2:45 is now leaving. We see is Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam running alongside a train as it picks up speed by the second. They YELL for it to stop, but it's hopeless. The train is gone. So much for the 2:45. INT. VOLVO - DAY Lex looks at the speedometer. Hawk's got it up to ninety- five. LEX Jeezis, Hawk, can you at least keep it within twenty miles of the speed limit? HAWK Lex, am I gonna have to lock you in the trunk till we reach Detroit? Don't worry, these babies are built for speed. Trip holds his stomach as we hear it GROWL. TRIP I'm starvin' and it's way past lunchtime. HAWK Totally. All I've had for chow was a packet of Pop Rocks and a Yoo-hoo. Trip spots a sign on the side of the road: Next Exit, Sandusky. TRIP Let's stop in Sandusky, Hawk. HAWK What's in Sandusky? TRIP Pizza, and I been jones-in' for a pizza ever since we left St. Bernard's. DISSOLVE TO: MOMENTS LATER INT. VOLVO - DAY The boys chomp on their pizza slices and chug cans of Hawaiian Punch. Another raucous KISS tune BLARES. Behind them, a car horn starts HONKING rhythmically. Hawk looks into the rearview mirror and sees two guys and two girls in a tailgating Trans Am. The guys have 90 M.P.H. haircuts, tacky, wide-collared shirts, and massive amounts of jewelry on their necks. The girls wear 10-layer make-up, mega-jewelry, and hair teased so high, it touches the car's roof. HAWK Only a car full of guidos and stellas would ride someone's ass on a two- lane road and beep. INT. TRANS AM - DAY The speakers BLAST a DISCO SONG to which the four passengers sing. KENNY, the driver, HONKS to the disco beat. They're slightly older than our heroes and very full of themselves. Kenny and his best girl CHRISTINE sit in the front. BOBBY and BARBARA are in the back. It's a double disco date. INT. VOLVO - DAY Trip lifts a rubbery slice of pizza to his mouth and the top layer slides off PLOPPING into his lap. TRIP Eyowch! This is one hot pizza! LEX Trip, huck that out before it stains the upholstery! Trip grabs the wad of goop and throws it out the window. EXT. TRANS AM - DAY Just as the DISCO TUNE playing in the Trans Am hits the next chorus, a fistful of pizza SPLATTERS across the windshield. Freaked, Kenny swerves and zigzags all over the road. Righting himself, Kenny's entire family might as well have been insulted. KENNY Stop singing... NOW! He turns off the stereo and floors the accelerator, swerving into the left lane and passing the Volvo. Bobby is just now noticing the mess on the windshield. He starts to laugh. BOBBY Hey, Kenny, look! There's a hunk of fawkin' cheese on your windsheel! INT. VOLVO - DAY Lex is looking at the mess on the Trans Am's windshield and the anger in the eyes of its passengers. LEX Holy shit! We just pissed off the Incredible Hulk, his idiot half brother and two circus clowns. The Trans Am runs alongside the Volvo and Hawk turns to see Kenny pointing to the breakdown lane. KENNY Stop the friggin' car NOW! Hawk rolls up his window. Kenny yells, VOICE MUFFLED, and points to Hawk who pays absolutely no attention whatsoever. JAM Don't you think we should at least pull over and offer to clean it off? HAWK What?! Are you mentally deranged, Jam? Just then, SLAM, the Trans Am bangs up against the side of the Volvo pushing it onto the shoulder. HAWK What the fuck! LEX (freaking out) The paint! EXT. FREEWAY - DAY The Trans Am muscles the Volvo into the breakdown lane. Parking the ass end of the Pontiac out a bit, Kenny blocks the Volvo in. Kenny and Bobby climb from their car and storm over to the boys. Hawk opens his door just as Kenny's hairy-knuckled hands pull him out through the window. He grabs Trip, yanking him out too. Bobby opens the back door and does the same with Lex and Jam. With a kid in each hand now, Kenny and Bobby SLAM the four boys against the Volvo in a line. The size difference between the burnouts and the guidos is painfully obvious now. Kenny and Bobby are Neanderthals. KENNY Do you realize the sheer, goddamn, unadulterated, undiluted, no holds barred, one hundred percent pure as Ivory Snow, absolutely friggin' STUPIDITY of what you just did? HAWK Hey, disco dude, it's cool... Kenny hauls back and SLAPS the row of boys in the faces Three Stooges-style... WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK! KENNY DO YOU?! Trip, Lex, and Jam clutch their faces in pain. Hawk looks merely disenchanted as Kenny pokes a muscle-bound finger at his chest. Getting in Hawk's face, Kenny yammers loud and fast. KENNY Lemme paint you a friggin' picture ahright? Imagine if you will a 1978 Pontiac Trans American in pristine condition. (beat) An appealing portrait, nesspah? Hawk starts to say "yes." KENNY BUT WAIT! What's that spec on the windshield? Could it be a wad of melted mozzarella, tangy tomato sauce, and various friggin' meat products? Hawk is unimpressed. HAWK Could be. KENNY And if it ain't cleaned off? CHRISTINE Kenny, come on with the macho crap already. Like this kid could take you in a fight anyway. KENNY (ignoring Christine) Answer me, hippie girl. And if the mess ain't cleaned off my car? HAWK It could... bake on? Kenny looks at Bobby and they exchange moronic grins. KENNY You're a smart little homo, aren't you, hippie girl? But, while astounded at your nimble, friggin' insight, I still detect an issue hanging fire, namely: where does a sharp-witted faggot like yourself get off doing such a dopey thing like that there? Hawk figured out that any answer he gives will be incorrect and has decided to wait till Kenny's done. KENNY No really, I'm perplexed. I mean, could you have done stupider if you were born without a FUCKIN' HEAD?! CHRISTINE (using "oh" to mean "enough") Oh! With the language! KENNY Shut-up, Christine! Christine snarls at Kenny. HAWK Okay, Kenny? I don't mean to drain your keg or anything, but could you speed up this process? (beat) Don't get me wrong, we'd love to stand here and get shit on by the cast of Saturday Night Fever, but we're also on a schedule. So step on it. Cold silence as Kenny replays Hawk's insult over in his head. KENNY Are you gettin' wise with me? HAWK No, I'm dumber than a goddamn slug. Now can I please clean your windshield and leave without further ado? BOBBY Break his fawkin' legs, Kenny! Kenny's temper's rising faster than the price of gasoline. Hawk on the other hand is cooler than an Otter Pop. KENNY Oh, you're dumb all right, you hairy ass punk. But please, allow me to clean the friggin' windshield. I insist. And with that, Kenny grabs himself a fistful of Hawk's long hair and pulls him over to the Trans Am. He wipes the pizza off with Hawk's hair, tugging Hawk's head up and down, back and forth. Hawk GRUNTS with each wipe, but doesn't give Kenny the satisfaction of hearing him scream. Trip, Lex, and Jam watch helplessly, trapped under Bobby's dull-witted, but equally threatening gaze. Kenny gets the last of the big chunks off his windshield and looks at his handiwork. KENNY There. Nice and clean. He throws Hawk to the ground and smiles at Bobby. Then, he suddenly hears the KISS tune coming from the Volvo. Uh-oh! KENNY Oh, no, no, no! It's the fag band! Kenny clenches his jaws and walks up to the Volvo, reaching in the driver's door. Suddenly Jam grabs his wrist. JAM Whoa! This is about pizza! Let's leave KISS out of it. Please. KENNY A bunch of guys who make bad music, dress like freaks, and wear more make-up than all my sisters combined? These assholes must be stopped! Kenny pushes Jam away. CHRISTINE That's it, Kenny! I'm leaving! Christine gets out of the car and starts walking down the highway, exiting the scene. BARBARA Oh, Christine! You googatz in the head or something? We're on the side of the freakin' highway! BOBBY Let her go, Barbara, she'll come back to Kenny. She always does... (to Kenny) Right, Kenny? Kenny meanwhile has his arm in the Volvo. KENNY Kool and the Gang, now there's real music. Kenny takes the 8-track from the car... KENNY But this... is crap! He flings it into the highway, where it is summarily smashed to bits under the wheels of a passing semi. FOLLOW a chunk of cartridge and a strand of mangled tape streaming from it as it sails back toward the side of the road, landing at Jam's feet. TILT UP to Jam's face. He raises his eyes and turns to the CAMERA, a single tear rolling down his cheek, just like the Indian in that "Keep America Beautiful" litter ad. Hawk rises and Kenny comes face-to-face with him. KENNY So. All that having been said and done, I believe we are ready for the final topic of discussion. Namely: Have you learned your lesson yet, puke? Hawk pulls a cigarette from his pocket and lights it. He blows some smoke in Kenny's face. HAWK Well, let's recap, shall we? You slapped all of us, yelled at me, used my head for a rag, threw me on the ground and tossed our LOVE GUN 8- track under the wheels of a passing semi. (puffing on cig) So, if the lesson was that you're a dick with ears and a really bad haircut, then, yes... I'd say we learned it. KENNY (beat, in disbelief) Excuse me, I'm a little deef-a- hearin'. Can you repeat yourself? HAWK Okay. Ahem! You. Are. A. Dick. With. Ears. And. A. Really. Bad. Haircut. KENNY Oh, yeah...? Out of original material, Kenny goes for an old stand by. KENNY That's not what your mother said last night. Trip, Lex, and Jam exchange "uh-oh" glances. Meanwhile, Hawk's eyes glaze over. HAWK It's not, huh? Well, then, tell me... Hawk reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out his mostly empty can of Hawaiian Punch, holding it discreetly at his side. HAWK ...what exactly did my mother say last night? Kenny draws a blank, not being prepared for this one. HAWK You heard me, prick. What did my mother say last night? Kenny chuckles and looks at Bobby. They have a good little laugh... the homo's got balls! Then Kenny turns back to Hawk. KENNY Okay, fagmo... I'll tell you what your mother said last night. (beat) She said that I was the fuck of her life. Hawk is a little mad now. He tosses his cigarette to the ground and squashes it like a bug under his sneaker. HAWK (very Clint Eastwood) How would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch? KENNY (smirking) Sure. Quick as a shot, Hawk SLAMS the bottom of the can into Kenny's nose, crushing it flat against his face. Hawaiian backwash spews from its tab hole like blood as Kenny falls backwards from the impact. He hits his head on the ground. Taking this as a cue... Trip whips out his wallet on a chain... Lex rips off his KISS belt... And Jam yanks out his drumsticks. As if choreographed, Trip swoops the wallet at Bobby's feet, snagging him around the ankles tightly with the chain. Lex THWAMS Bobby in the face with his big KISS belt buckle leaving a reversed, red, KISS logo branded in his forehead. Trip yanks the chain pulling Bobby off his feet. When he hits the ground, Jam's right there DRUMMING his balls. Bobby shrieks. Meanwhile, Hawk advances on Kenny who tries to get the can off his face, but it's stuck on looking like a pig's nose with fruit punch for snot. Hawk raises both his hands in Kenny's face, then executes the final insult... Hawk messes Kenny's hair. Kenny lets out a scream that comes from the bottom of his vanity. Hawk grabs Kenny by the ears and brings the guido's head swiftly against his kneecap. Kenny falls to the ground, unconscious on top of Bobby. Their heads collide knocking Bobby out cold. Terrified, Barbara leaps from the Trans Am and is cornered. LEX Not so fast, stella. DISSOLVE TO: MOMENTS LATER Kenny, Bobby, and Barbara are now tied to the guardrail with Jam's white corduroy pants, geeky belt, and plaid shirt. Kenny and Bobby rest their unconscious heads on each of Barbara's shoulders. Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam look down at the two guidos and the stella, snickering. BARBARA When they wake up, they're gonna come looking for you jerks. You best hope they don't find you, cause if they do, they're gonna kick your asses. Hawk grabs a cinderblock off the side of the road, walking up to the Trans Am. HAWK Right, stella, and we'll deserve it. But let's really make it worth their while. Hawk puts the rock on the Trans Am's accelerator letting the engine WHINE in protest. (Again we are cautious not to show the guidos' faces.) HAWK By the way, when Kenny wakes up could you give him a message for me. Tell him, quote, Kool and the gang bite my bag, motherfucker, unquote. He throws the Trans Am into drive. All who are conscience listen to the brief SCREECH, then watch the Trans Am as it barrels without a driver into the woods skirting the highway. It races into ditches, bounces off trees, and SPLASHES through ponds, all Smokey and the Bandit-like. The disco-mobile ramps off the edge of an embankment, tumbles down a steep, rocky incline breaking apart along the way, and finally, BOOM! It explodes on final impact. The boys all look at each other and shrug. Hawk walks back to the Volvo and gets in. Trip, Lex, and Jam follow suit and pile in as well. Lex shouts back to Barbara. LEX Oh, thanks for letting us draw from your ample make-up supply. You must have the entire Revlon factory in your purse! ANGLE ON KENNY, BOBBY, AND BARBARA. We now see them from the front. Lo-and-behold, Kenny has been made-up like Gene Simmons, Bobby like Paul Stanley. Whoever finds them is gonna get the wrong idea about their musical taste... and kick their asses all over again. BARBARA Very funny. I hope you choke! STELLA ON BOARD INT. VOLVO - DAY Hawk starts the engine and takes off. Trip pulls a baggie of weed and some rolling papers out. JAM Hey, look, it's that girl. Jam points out at the road ahead to Christine. She's a few hundred feet away walking sadly in the breakdown lane. TRIP That's no girl. That's a stella. JAM Stella or no stella, we should pull over and help her out. HAWK Oh no, Jam. I'm not falling for that twice. JAM Well, couldn't you slow down so I can at least state my case, Hawk? If you don't like it, you can speed up and I'll never mention it again. Hawk slows down, turning into the breakdown lane, travelling about two miles per hour. Christine doesn't notice as they edge closer to her. LEX What is it with you, Jam? You got a thing for that... thing? JAM She's a teenage girl walking on the side of the highway. They make very scary movies that start out like that. HAWK Well, they may not make movies about four dudes going to a KISS concert. But if they ever did, the four dudes most certainly would not stop and pick up a stranded disco bunny. Pause. TRIP Unless there was gonna be a scene where the disco bunny blows the four dudes on the way to the show. INT. VOLVO - DAY Christine sits between Jam and Lex in the back SNAPPING gum. Jam and Lex stare at her like cats looking at a fish bowl. Hawk looks in the rearview mirror at Christine checking herself in a compact. She swathes on some 7-Up flavored, Bonnie Bell lip gloss. Trip meanwhile twirls the joint he's just finished rolling in his mouth, sealing it. He winks at her disgustingly. CHRISTINE Oh, great. I just hitched a ride with a bunch of potheads... I'm hooking up with some people at this funky place in downtown Detroit called Disco Inferno. Mind droppin' me there? TRIP (smirks) What's it worth to you? CHRISTINE (grossed out) What the hell is that supposed to mean? JAM It doesn't mean anything. Don't pay attention to him. HAWK (rolls his eyes) Disco Inferno? Disco's infernal morelike. Trying to be suave, Lex moves in close, putting the make on her. LEX Your clothes may say disco, but your eyes say rock 'n' roll, baby. CHRISTINE Well, your tee-shirt may say rock 'n' roll, but your breath says pepperoni, baby. She pushes him away. Jam laughs. TRIP (frustrated) So, are you, like, gonna polish our nobs, or what? CHRISTINE (thoroughly offended) What? That's disgusting! JAM Trip! That's so fuckin' rude, man. TRIP Oh, quit bein' the wussy, sensitive guy to impress her, Jam. She's obviously not gonna put out. She's a fuckin' tease. CHRISTINE Tease? What the hell did I do to tease you mongoloids? TRIP You got in the car, didn't you? CHRISTINE Oh, God, how calculating of me to lead you all on like that after you offered me a ride in the middle of nowhere. TRIP Whatever... stella. Trip lights the joint and takes a lungful of pot. He passes it to Lex and the joint begins to make its rounds with the exception of Christine. The car starts to fill with smoke. CHRISTINE The name's Christine, not stella. And there's no need to be such pigs just cause I prefer Donna Summer or KC and the Sunshine Boys or the Village People over KISS? HAWK (with disdain) The Village People? They're fags! You're a fag hag! JAM Come on, Hawk. CHRISTINE I can take care of myself, but thanks anyway, germ. JAM Jam. CHRISTINE Whatever. (to Hawk) Okay, Joe Burnout, let's get one thing straight here. As far as I'm concerned good tunes is good tunes, be it disco or rock or polka or whatever have you, regardless of the category. True, if I had to choose, I'd pick the category labelled disco because I happen to enjoy dancing. Disco is just easier to dance to. HAWK You call that John Travolta/Denny Terio shit dancing? I wouldn't dance like that in private if you paid me. TRIP Disco blows dogs for quarters. Christine processes this remark. CHRISTINE Now there's an intelligently biting remark wrought with wit and irony. Trip looks confused, then smiles thinking she paid him a compliment. HAWK Hey, if you don't like that one, maybe you'll think it's funny when we throw your ass out the goddamn car! CHRISTINE Yeah, why don't you put your money where your mouth is? HAWK Why don't you kiss my hairy crack? CHRISTINE Why don't you bend over, you're looking right at it! All, Christine included, pause to think about what that comment was supposed to mean. Lex takes a hit off the joint. LEX (holding in smoke) That last remark fell about 30 yards away from making any sense whatsoever. Hawk and Trip immediately bust into the giggles and it doesn't take long for Lex and Jam to follow suit. CHRISTINE (realization) Hey, you're right. "Bend over you're looking right at it?!" (starts to laugh) What's that supposed to mean anyway? Christine succumbs to the contagious giggle epidemic and the whole car gets a great laugh for a while. They finally calm down again and wipe tears from their eyes. Lex still has the joint now as Christine looks at it. CHRISTINE Man, this is some kickass shit! (beat) Gimme a hit off that jay will ya? Lex smiles despite himself and holds the weed out to her as we... DISSOLVE TO: HELLO DETROIT, GOODBYE TICKETS! MONTAGE The Volvo passing a big sign that says: "Welcome to Michigan, the Great Lakes State." The Volvo racing toward the Detroit skyline. Detroit landmarks: The General Motors Building, the Ford Building, Motown Records, and finally... COBO HALL, where thousands of fans in KISS tees gather, waiting for its doors to open. Unbelievable traffic stretches to an intersection at which stand four key landmarks... a cathedral, a convenience store, a parking lot, and a male strip joint. They face one another, each on its own corner. A gigantic sign on the auditorium's facade flashes the commandment, "YOU GOTTA LOSE YOUR MIND IN DETROIT ROCK CITY" over and over again. EXT. COBO HALL - SUNSET The sun hangs low on this day as the Volvo sits in traffic, passing Cobo Hall. Movement is nearly impossible. KISS FANS cram every square foot of open macadam, pushing through the jammed cars. STREET VENDORS hawk KISS souvenirs from tee-shirts to pennants. Some are in stands along the sidewalk. Others come right up to car windows. INT. VOLVO - SUNSET Christine is fast asleep between Jam and Lex. LEX Man, that weed knocked Christine on her ass. She's sleeping like a baby stella. TRIP (whispers lustfully) Let's lift up her shirt. HAWK (pointing out windshield) There it is! All look ahead. COBO Hall. A HALO GLOW forms around the building accompanied by a CHOIR OF ANGELS. JAM (in reverence) We made it! LEX Curly driving, Hawk. We still got two hours to spare. HAWK Ample time to grab our tickets at the station. See, up ahead. W.A.R.P. One block on the left is the W.A.R.P. tower. HAWK Hey, Look at the front entrance! A car's pulling out. The parking space from heaven. God is surely smiling down upon us tonight, dudes. JAM Kind of funny, I thought He'd be pissed as hell at me. The opening to the Carpenters' "TOP OF THE WORLD" begins. INT. W.A.R.P. TOWER ELEVATOR - NIGHT "TOP OF THE WORLD" continues, playing through the speaker of the ascending elevator inside which Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam stand. They watch the numbers climb, smiling. HAWK What was that D.J.'s name again? TRIP Oh, I'll remember it till the day I die. His name was... Simpleton the Simian? No, Samson Samoan... No, simply, similar... INT. SIMPLE SIMON'S OFFICE - NIGHT Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam poke their heads around the corner of an office doorway totem pole-style. HAWK Simple Simon? SIMPLE SIMON strikes a pose before a full-length mirror in a glittery-back Gene Simmons tee-shirt, silver pants, and very high heel boots. He has a huge Afro and bushy moustache. He turns when he hears Hawk. SIMPLE SIMON The one and only. But can you kids hurry this up? I'm due at Coco Hall in half an hour for the warm-up. They all enter and stand at Simple Simon's desk. HAWK We're right behind you, Simo. Just wanted to thank you in advance for handing over those burly-ass tix me and my buds won this morning. The boys do a Three Stooges handshake and say "Curly!" Simple Simon on the other hand suddenly appears nonplussed SIMPLE SIMON Your name isn't Trip is it? INT. PRODUCER'S BOOTH - NIGHT Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam sit in the tiny producer's booth with Simon who fast forwards a reel-to-reel tape through some very loud, high-speed conversation and bits of music. Looking at the footage counter on the tape player, he slows down at a certain point and lets the boys listen to this: The CLICK of a phone being answered. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Simple Simon on the Rock, go caller. TRIP'S VOICE Hello? Is this me? I'm Trip. Am I on the air? SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE I should hang up on you right now, but you're the right caller so answer quick or get your battleship sunk. What are the names of the four members of KISS? TRIP'S VOICE Gene Klein, Stanley Eisen, Paul Frehley, and Peter...Criscula! Yeah, that's it! Pause. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Is that your final answer? TRIP'S VOICE (with trepidation) Yeah. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE (building to crescendo) Trip? You just got yourself four tickets and four backstage passes to KISS live at Cobo Hall tonight! Pause. TRIP'S VOICE I did? SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Yeah, you did! TRIP'S VOICE Yeeeehaaawww!! This is totally fuckin' curly, man! Thank you God! CLI-CLICK. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Whoa, easy, Trip, this is radio, not "Taxi Driver." Now listen up cause this next part is crucial. Stay on the line so we can get your full name, information, and... DIAL TONE. SIMPLE SIMON'S VOICE Trip? Trip? Oh, man, you didn't hang up on me did you? Trip? (beat) What kind of total moron would hang...? Simple Simon stops the tape and looks at the boys who look like they've just been served a life sentence behind bars. SIMPLE SIMON Well, there you have it. We had no choice but to give the tickets to the next caller. I'm sorry. Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam stare at the floor in silence. SIMPLE SIMON We got sodas in the fridge if that helps any. INT. W.A.R.P. TOWER ELEVATOR - NIGHT Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam ride back down the elevator sipping NeHi sodas, watching the floor numbers get lower and lower. Terry Jack's immortal hit "SEASONS IN THE SUN" plays over the elevator speaker. HAWK Well, here we are, dudes. One hour and thirty minutes away from the concert of the century... ticketless. All thanks to Wile E. Coyote, Super- Fucking Genius over here. Trip looks away from the rest, ashamed. LEX Really, Trip, can we bore holes in your head and use it as a bong so it actually does us some good for a change? TRIP Fuck you, Lex! This whole thing wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you jinxing us. I just made an honest mistake. HAWK Oh, I'm sorry, Trip. What you made was a big, brainless, pile of horse shit. No offense. JAM Guys, GUYS! Come on, if this is anyone's fault, it's mine. I was the one who grabbed Trip's jacket by mistake. It's my fault and I apologize. HAWK Please, Jam, we're trying to vent some hostility here. Sure the whole thing may be your fault, but who's gonna get pissed off at you? Jam looks at his feet. JAM Sometimes I think I don't deserve friends as good as you guys. Hawk, Trip, and Lex cringe. HAWK I have one question. How could a kid who wails on the drums like it's the only thing keeping him alive even think of such a femmy thing to say? TRIP Really, Jam, you tryin' to make us barf? LEX Yeah, it's like you're possessed by The Flying Nun, or something. The doors to the elevator open and the boys step out. SHAKE YOUR WEEWEE! EXT. W.A.R.P. TOWER - NIGHT COBO Hall looms up ahead. Hawk, Trip, Lex, and Jam enter the sidewalk. A thickening CROWD of KISS fans continually meander by. On their way to the car, they suddenly hear a WOMAN'S VOICE bellowing through a megaphone from somewhere down the street. After a moment they see the voice's source. A GROUP OF WOMEN has congregated about forty feet ahead and their LEADER, her back toward the boys, yells to the group through her bullhorn. Flying above them all is a large banner reading: "MATMOK, Mothers Against The Music Of KISS." LEADER Welcome to the first open meeting of MATMOK, Mothers Against The Music Of KISS!" The group cheers as the KISS FANS milling around them pretty much ignore the whole MATMOK spectacle. Lex looks away from the MATMOKS and into the street. We can't see what he sees, but we can tell he's alarmed. LEX Uh... dudes? HAWK (ignoring Lex) Now there's a woman who totally abuses the privilege of motherhood. LEX DUDES! They all look at Lex. LEX (eyes focused ahead) Where's the Volvo? Hawk, Trip, and Jam look at their parking spot to see a beat- up Dodge Dart sitting there instead of the Volvo. TRIP It's gone. LEX I can see that, bright boy. What happened to it? JAM It was stolen! HAWK (incredulous) Christine stole it! Asleep, my ass! The stella booted with your mom's wheels. LEX But we took the keys? TRIP Damn, she musta hot wired it. We picked up a professional car thief in the shape of Olivia Newton-John! LEX Okay, I'm just a little mad now! Jam, why'd you talk us into picking that bitch up in the first place!? JAM I'm sorry, guys. I thought it was a nice thing to do. HAWK Jam, not another word out of your femmy-ass mouth! Okay, we're here, we got nothing, and we got an hour and a half. We're totally committed. It's time to brainstorm. LEX Here's a suggestion. Let's stop worrying about the concert for the time being and get the cops in on this Volvo situation. HAWK Wake up, Lex. This is Detroit. The cops aren't gonna waste city dollars looking for a Swedish car. Face it, the Volvo's on a cutting board as we speak getting sliced, diced, and julienned by Christine, the chop shop gourmet. Lex is developing a look of resolve. This is Detroit! HAWK Now listen up. Here's the game plan. LEX (on a roll) ...I mean, my mom's got insurance. What's the worst thing she could do? Ground me for the entire year? I can handle that... HAWK Cool, bro, now listen up... LEX ...Holy shit! I am in absolute trouble! I never should have let you drive, man! Absolute fuckin' trouble! HAWK Okay, shut the fuck up, Lex! Now, then, step number one, we find us a scalper. I got... (takes out KISS money clip) twenty-five. TRIP Twenty-five more'n I got. LEX All I got is five. The rest is in the Volvo. JAM I got... HAWK Uh-uh. Don't tell us, Jam. Just show us. Jam holds up a ten keeping his mouth shut. HAWK So maybe we got enough for one ticket. Fuck! TRIP Waitaminit, dudes! I got it! We find four really small kids, beat the shit outta them and steal their tickets. What do you think? HAWK (sarcastic) Brilliance, Trip. Sheer brilliance. Give Albert Einstein here the Nobel Prize. Trip smiles proudly. LEX I think we should try sneaking in. HAWK Four dudes sneaking in? We'd get busted fer sure. Bad plan. LEX Okay, one of us sneaks in, gets four ticket stubs off some kids in the audience, comes back out, and we all "re-enter" the concerto. Voila! HAWK Still too risky for my money. (looking at watch) We're running out of time here. This is KISS! A victory for one is a victory for the team. I'm sure I can barter with a scalper, but if you dudes think you got better plans, go for it. We'll reconvene at that intersection... Hawk points to the intersection where the church, the male strip joint, the parking lot, and the Smiley Mart are located. HAWK ...at twenty-thirty hours. TRIP One more time in English. HAWK For the next hour and a half it's every dude for himself. Try to get at least one ticket and at 8:30 P.M. we'll meet over there. JAM (inspired) Wait! I know how we can get in! HAWK Jam, shut-up! You're not allowed to speak, remember? Go use whatever femmy idea you have to get yourself a ticket or four. I don't wanna hear it. JAM (sadly) But... my plan involves all four of us acting together. HAWK See you at 8:30, Jam. Later. (to Lex and Trip) Dudes? Later. Hawk, Trip, and Lex split up, leaving Jam alone. He starts walking in the opposite direction, passing MATMOKS. The leader is still on a roll, yelling through the megaphone. LEADER Look around you tonight, mothers! Look at all the young faces! They smile and laugh but their eyes have lost all hope! Not one among them appears to possess the love and fear of God... This satanic group KISS has stolen their souls. The leader's gaze finally falls upon Jam. He lets out a GASP. Yes, the leader is Mrs. Bruce. So this was her church meeting. She freezes when she sees her son; her jaw slackens. Meanwhile Jam looks stunned beyond comprehension. JAM Oh... dear... Lord!! Mrs. Bruce quickly hands the megaphone to another MATMOK member, who picks up where Mrs. Bruce left off. Jam looks around for someplace to run and hide, but it's too late. Mrs. Bruce slices through the crowd of KISS fans and grabs Jam by the ear. He yelps. MRS. BRUCE I don't know how you got here tonight and I don't want to know either. All I know is you're going to pay dearly for this one, young man! EXT. ST., SEBASTIAN'S CATHEDRAL - NIGHT Mrs. Bruce tugs Jam toward the intersection we saw before. They cross the street toward the corner where the Cathedral sits. Jam looks up at the cross on the steeple and GULPS with trepidation. JAM Mom, what're we...? MRS. BRUCE Just keep your lying, heathenous trap shut, Jeremiah. They climb the steps to the cathedral passing a bulletin board reading: Thank God It's Friday Mass, 6PM-7PM. PARISHIONERS exit the beautiful church, shaking hands with a PRIEST as they leave. PARISHIONERS What a wonderful mass, Father/So inspirational, Father/Thank you. PRIEST Thank you/Come again next week. Mrs. Bruce pulls Jam up to the priest. PRIEST Next mass is tomorrow morning, sister. MRS. BRUCE Can we talk, Father? I'm desperate. My son was about to defy God by going to that blasphemous KISS concert. PRIEST In that case, come right in. Meanwhile, across the street... EXT. WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER JOINT - NIGHT Parked in front of the busy fast-food establishment we recognize the two-toned Chevy Impala with luggage tied on top. In the window we see Beth and her parents sitting at one of the booths. Out the window Beth looks across the street just as Jam, Mrs. Bruce, and the priest enter the cathedral. Her face drops. BETH Oh my God! That's Jeremiah! DAD Who? BETH Jeremiah Bruce from school. He and his mom just went into that church. He must be in Detroit for the concert. Can I go say good-bye to him? MOM Beth, I am not letting you wander the streets of Detroit after dark. BETH I'm not going to wander. I'm just gonna go over there. Beth points to St. Sebastian's. BETH He's with his mom. DAD Fine, as long as we know where you are. But don't be long. We need to be getting back on the road. Beth is already out the door and halfway across the street. Dad pats mom's shoulder. DAD She's probably got a little crush on that boy. EXT. ST. SEBASTIAN'S CATHEDRAL - NIGHT Beth runs up to the cathedral and sneaks in. EXT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP JOINT - NIGHT Hawk walks down the sidewalk badgering everyone passing by for a ticket, getting the same stock answer: "Suffer, dude!" He stops and sits on a curb, lighting a cigarette. Behind him stands the marquee for IT'S RAINING MEN, the male strip joint. A DISCO SONG comes from inside. Just when it looks like Hawk's given up, a VOICE is heard above. VOICE Hey, chief? Need a ticket? Hawk can't believe his ears. He looks up at a greasy-looking hybrid, part porn star, part used car salesman, the SCALPER. SCALPER Second row center, seventy-five clams. Trying to act confident, Hawk takes out his money clip showing the scalper twenty-five dollars. HAWK Dude, this is all I got. SCALPER Sorry, man, no can do. But I'll be here for a while if you scare up the extra gravy. HAWK Where the hell am I gonna scare up that kinda gravy in one hour? SCALPER The easy way. The scalper points over his shoulder and Hawk turns to see three GIGGLING WOMEN exiting the strip joint. None are under forty. A sign below the bar's logo reads: Amateur Night Giveaway! Guys Over 18 Only! Bare It All And Win 75 Bucks! SCALPER You look a little scrawny, but it's worth a shot. HAWK I can't just walk in and take my clothes off. It's embarrasskin. SCALPER Guess you don't want to see the greatest show on earth. And in Detroit no less. Well, take care, chief. The scalper turns and Hawk grabs his arm. HAWK Dude, if it were dancing the way Fred Astaire did it, I'd give it my best shot. I'd learn the steps and practice in my spare time. But this... tribal, ritualistic bullshit, it's way-too-spontaneous for me. SCALPER Yeah, you're probably too young anyhow. HAWK Hey, I invented fake I.D.s, alright. That's not the problem... They're playing disco music in there, man. SCALPER Chief, here's a little secret. Drink heavily, your feet will know what to do. Now shit or get off the pot. Do you wanna dance or do you wanna see KISS only on their album covers? Hawk gets a look of resolve on his face. SCALPER You sure you'll have a ticket for me? SCALPER You have my solemn oath as a public servant. Hawk turns and walks up to the door, hesitating before opening it. Rummaging through his pockets, he pulls out a handful of expired driver's licenses. Choosing the one he thinks best suits himself, he walks in with trepidation. The scalper sees someone else coming up. SCALPER Hey, chief, you need a ticket? Second row center, seventy-five clams. It's Trip. TRIP No thanks, dude. I'm beating my ticket out of some poor, defenseless chump. Trip exits FRAME. SCALPER What's happening to kids today? INT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP JOINT - NIGHT Hawk enters your average, everyday, male strip joint. A crowd of LUSTY WOMEN cheer on a STRIPPER IN A FIREMAN'S SUIT. He dances on a lighted, tile stage under a spinning, mirror ball. Hawk shows the MAN AT THE DOOR his fake license and the man nods him in. He approaches the bar in the early stages of being very intimidated. The BARTENDER, a man dressed only in tight, black, tuxedo pants, shirt cuffs, and a tie, comes up to Hawk. HAWK (voice cracking) Like to sign up for the contest. The bartender gives Hawk the once over. BARTENDER You're a little scrawny, but thanks to the concert we're low on amateurs. Name? HAWK Hawk. BARTENDER Pick a song, Hawk. HAWK Got any KISS? BARTENDER You kidding? This is Detroit. Drink? HAWK Yeah, a man's drink... Hawk squints at a name tag on the bartender's tie. HAWK ...Dickey. Dickey goes to the bottle rack on the other side of the bar. HAWK (to himself) I'm gonna need all the help I can get tonight. Dickey returns with the drink and Hawk pulls out his money clip. HAWK (looking at the drink) What's that? BARTENDER You mean you never seen a Jack Daniels on the rocks before? Hawk looks at the unfamiliar drink again trying to play it cool. HAWK Sure, I have. But not one with ice in it, that's all. BARTENDER (seeing money clip) Save your money, stud muffin. The lady at the end of the bar sends her love. Dickey points to a WOMAN sitting at the end of the bar. Mature and sexy. She's a knock-out. Every teenage boy's fantasy. Hawk's eyes pop at this "Mrs. Robinson" before him. HAWK Whoa... she is a killer. BARTENDER Amanda Finch. Her ex is one of the wealthiest businessmen in Detroit. Play your cards right and you could hit paydirt. She like 'em young. (leaning in) And since you look a little new at this, let me give you three words of advice. Hard to get. Think it, act it, know it, be it. Nothing a woman loves more than when you beat her at her own head games. Dicky pats Hawk's shoulder and leaves. Hawk looks away from Amanda and scans the room. He glances back at Amanda. She's still gazing at him the way queens of yore must have eyed particularly cute knights. She winks and toasts Hawk. Hawk raises his glass smiling nervously. They both sip at their drinks. She licks her lips suggestively at him. And, Hawk proceeds to COUGH up his mouthful of Jack Daniels, SPRAYING it all over the bar. SMILEY MART / HAULING BASS EXT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT Your typical 70's convenient store. Out front two SIX YEAR OLDS in Star Wars tee-shirts play tug-o-war with a Stretch Armstrong doll. Trip stomps over grabbing them by their mini shirts. When he tries to act tough, it's pathetic. Even six year olds aren't afraid. TRIP Hey, you little twerps, gimme your KISS tickets or I'll pop your fuckin' faces in. SIX YEAR OLD #1 We don't have any KISS tickets. SIX YEAR OLD #2 Yeah, KISS sucks! TRIP I oughta kick your asses for sayin' that. He grabs the Stretch Armstrong and stuffs it in his pocket. TRIP But I'm in a hurry so I'll just take this instead. Now scram. The kids run away. INT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT The store is crawling with KISS FANS, some reading the comic books, others playing pinball against a far wall, still others looking at the poster section. Trip enters on a mission. He looks around catching the eye of a pretty CASHIER. She's a rocker, wearing a Who tee-shirt, a mood ring, and just a little too much make-up. She smiles at him. Trip returns the smile with a feeble wave. Her mood ring turns from blue to pink. Concentrating on the layout of the store, Trip peers all the way to the back to a darkened corner... where he spies a LITTLE KID wearing a KISS tee-shirt playing a KISS pinball machine. Trip smiles. The eagle has spotted a fuzzy, little bunny. He moves in for the kill, walking past a crowd of kids at the magazine rack, past the Hostess aisle, past the dairy cooler and into the darkened corner. He stands behind the little kid, relishing this moment. The kid is actually pretty good. We also see now the little kid has his face painted like Ace Frehley. TRIP Hey, little kid. Suddenly distracted, the kid loses the ball. LITTLE KID Shit! You just skunked my last ball, you... Trip clamps a hand over the little kid's mouth. TRIP Okay, booger, your KISS ticket or your life. The little kid says something but Trip's hand muffles his words. TRIP Hunh? The kid says what he said before, but it is utterly incomprehensible, once again thanks to Trip's hand. TRIP (looking at his hand) Oh. Okay... But scream and you'll never live to see puberty. I'll pop your fuckin' face in. Trip pulls his hand away. LITTLE KID Please sir, don't beat me up. I do have a KISS ticket, but not on me. TRIP A likely story. Hand it over, kid. LITTLE KID (bottom lip quivering) No really. My brother's hanging onto it for safe keeping. Please, let me get him for you. The kid turns and yells into the store before Trip can stop him. LITTLE KID Hey, Chongo! A titanic guy at the comic book rack looks up from his issue of "Thing" when he hears his name. CHONGO has a very low forehead and the expression of an angry bull plastered onto his face. TRIP (getting scared) Hey, kid, that's okay. I don't wanna see KISS that ba... LITTLE KID Don't try to run, maggot. Chongo's an all-state track star in every event. TRIP What do you want? LITTLE KID (gleefully) A tag on your toe. Nobody threatens me and lives. TRIP Look, you can have my wallet... LITTLE KID It's not nearly enough, punk. Chongo is getting ever-closer with his tree trunk legs, his barrel chest and hydraulic biceps. He is joined by TWO BUDS. LITTLE KID Besides, I was gonna take your wallet anyway. After Chongo and his friends crush your ribcage like a pack of Luckys. Chongo arrives eyeing Trip with distaste. Trip goes white. CHONGO This fairy givin' you shit, bro? LITTLE KID He was gonna mug me for my KISS ticket. TRIP Me? Mug? That's nuts. I said, do you know where I can take a piss. Chongo and his two buds laugh. Then, without a second of warning, Chongo belts Trip in the gut. Trip doubles over and falls breathlessly to his knees. CHONGO Okay, pimple dick, you've got the option of walking outside with us or gettin' dragged out. Either way you're comin' with us. Trip catches his breath. TRIP Please, sir, don't kick my ass! I'll do anything to get out of a beating! LITTLE KID Say, Chongo, perhaps we could use some extra cash for tasty snacks at the KISS concert our weasly friend won't be attending. Chongo scratches his head. CHONGO How much cash do you figure? LITTLE KID Take five for a minute, Chongo. Let me do the math. The little kid taps his finger on his chin and the theme from "JEOPARDY" begins. While the kid thinks, Trip looks nervously up at Chongo and his buds. Chongo reaches into his denim vest pocket and we hear a CRINKLING NOISE. He comes back up with two walnuts, putting them between his bicep and forearm. Trip watches in horror as Chongo makes a muscle and the walnuts are shelled between two walls of iron-hard flesh. CREEEAAAACK! Chongo eats the walnuts, shells and all. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT The full-to-capacity parking lot is patrolled by a couple of SECURITY GUARDS. Lex cautiously makes his way to the edge of the parking lot and looks at the back side of Cobo Hall just beyond the chain link fence that surrounds the lot. He crouches down and walks between two cars parked against the fence, looking both ways. Seeing a guard's flashlight beam, he sits stock still until the beam sweeps past, then SIGHS eased. LEX (whispering to self) I can't believe I'm actually entertaining the notion of sneaking in. I oughta have my cranium examined. Lex finds a vertical break in the chain link. He lays on his back, slides through, then stands on the other side of the fence. He's at the edge of a weedy, littery field that also happens to be poorly lit. LEX Whoa. Danger Will Robinson. Spooked, he lays down again intending to slide back through when a flashlight beam hits his eyes. SECURITY GUARD'S VOICE Hey you! Get back in here! Lex sees the guard standing about fifty feet away on the other side of the fence. Panicking, he bolts deeper into the field. SECURITY GUARD'S VOICE You're not getting far, kid! Lex double-times it as we hear the guard yelling into his walkie-talkie. SECURITY GUARD'S VOICE We got one just ran into the field from the north lot! The field gets darker as Lex closes in on Cobo Hall's well- lit loading dock, where ROADIES empty the remaining bits of KISS's monstrous set from an 18-wheeler. Other huge trucks are parked nearby. There's a bustle of last minute activity. EXT. LOADING DOCK - NIGHT Lex scurries from giant speaker box to a stack of lights to huge trunks, keeping well hidden. He dodges roadies and avoids being seen by OTHER GUARDS. He slithers along side the 18-wheeler and nears the loading bay. Up ahead some auxiliary speakers, drum kits, and scaffolding wait their turn to be carried into the building. SECURITY GUARD'S VOICE There he is! Lex spins. The security guard, flanked by two others, barrel right for him. LEX Shit! He dives rolls under the 18-wheeler. The three security guards leap for the pavement and crawl under the semi after him. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SEMI The three guards scramble to their feet and grab a SCRAWNY BODY. They spin him around roughly. SECURITY GUARD Alright, wiseguy, you are so outta here! They suddenly realize they've got the wrong man. It's a roadie. ROADIE Hey, what the fuck? The roadie holds up his all-access laminate angrily. ROADIE Keep your paws to yourself, ya dumb fuckin' apes. The security guards look around frantically for Lex as other roadies join in to defend their comrade. SECURITY GUARD Where'd he go? You see him? No one pays attention as a bass drum is carried past the guards and up the loading dock ramp. They don't notice Lex crammed inside contorted into a shape befitting a yoga master. Praying he won't be spotted, Lex holds his breath as he's carried into the building and disappears. JAM IN A JAM / KISS THIS INT. ST. SEBASTIAN'S CATHEDRAL - NIGHT Jam sits in the front pew, head buried in his hands as Mrs. Bruce and the priest talk on the alter. Beth moves quietly in the back, unseen and unheard. She looks overwhelmed by the architecture, the detail on the stained glass windows, the icons carved into the columns that support the extravagantly decorated ceiling. The priest catches a glimpse of Beth meandering in the back. PRIEST Uh, next mass isn't until tomorrow morning, young lady. Run along now. Beth smiles nervously and heads back toward the front door passing a confessional booth. She throws a glance back at the priest and Mrs. Bruce who have returned to conferring, their backs to her. She stealthily ducks into the booth. MRS. BRUCE Now it's been a while since my boy had holy confession. Could you...? PRIEST (smiling) Consider it done. Mrs. Bruce looks down at Jam and sees his drumsticks poking out of his socks. She immediately takes them out and stuffs them into her jacket. Jam doesn't even move. MRS. BRUCE It's about time you gave up on that stupid dream once and for all. No son of mine is going to be a career musician. Jam is stung. Mrs. Bruce and the priest head back down the center aisle exiting through the gigantic front doors. She eyes Jam. MRS. BRUCE Thank you, Father. I'll be back for him before you know it; after I take care of some unfinished business. PRIEST Just knock loudly, sister. He lets her out and locks the door, leaving the keys in the lock, and walks over to Jam. PRIEST Come along, son. Get into the booth. He helps the despondent Jam up. They walk to the booth and Jam reluctantly gets inside. INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - NIGHT Jam kneels on the board and a mere two feet behind him, Beth sits on a bench shrouded in darkness. Her posture is that of someone with a crate of nitroglycerine on her lap. We hear the SHUFFLING noise of the priest getting into his own compartment next door. A moment later the small, eye- level door SLIDES open. The priest's face is barely visible on the other side of the thick screen, but he's there. JAM Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession in... well... a really long time. PRIEST Prepare to receive the Act of Penance. How many sins have you committed since your last confession? JAM Just one, Father, but boy was it a doozy. Beth leans forward slightly and listens to Jam's confession. INT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP JOINT - NIGHT Hawk's at a bar stool gulping sloppily and woozily from a rocks glass. Four more empty rocks glasses sit in front of him. He stares at the sexy woman who smiles back, blowing him kisses from the other side of the bar. The EMCEE enters the stage. EMCEE (into microphone) Okay, ladies, hang onto your hormones. Here comes our next amateur. Let's have a big hand for Hawk! The beginning of a rockin' KISS tune comes over the P.A. and Dicky approaches Hawk. EMCEE You're up, Hawk. Hawk wakes up fast. There's nothing more sobering than having to undress in public. HAWK Oh, Dicky, I c-c-can't... BARTENDER You're not gonna chicken out on me now, are you? We've got your KISS song playing and everything. HAWK I-I c-can't... BARTENDER (leans in close) Look, people undress in public because, A, they're exhibitionists, B, they're nutcases, or C, they need the money. I can tell you're not A, and I hope to hell you're not B. So my suggestion is, think about why you're a C and let your body party, shake your groove thing, boogie oogie oogie till you just can't boogie no more. Hawk thinks about it, then downs the rest of his drink. He grimaces at it's taste, then opens his eyes with new resolve. HAWK You're right, Dicky. I gotta do it for KISS. Gotta put a bag over its head and (hiccup) Do it for KISS. Hawk swivels his bar stool to the right and gets off, forgetting to stand when his feet hit the floor. He proceeds to fall flat on his face. Dicky looks down concerned, but Hawk stands with a little difficulty and heads for the stage. The crowd of women parts down the middle for him and checks him out as he walks by. They seem to like what they see. Hawk looks nervously at the carnivorous faces leering at his package first, his ass after. What the hell is he doing? Hawk reluctantly climbs onto the stage and the gals start CLAPPING to the song. He faces them and starts gyrating his drunken hips at them, feeling no confidence whatsoever, until... The CHEERS start to ECHO and the pulsing lights begin to hurt his eyes. Hawk watches the world proceed to spin faster than the disco ball above his head. He stops gyrating and clutches his stomach. BELCHING. Uh-oh. Hawk spots an almost-empty beer pitcher one of the CHEERING- IN-SLOW-MOTION women holds above her head. He runs up to the edge of the stage, grabs the pitcher, and PUKES. The cheering and music come to a grinding halt. You can hear a pin drop as Hawk yacks his guts out into the beer pitcher. It goes on for an excruciatingly long time, then finally stops. Hawk looks up at the hundreds of astonished eyes staring at him. He wipes his mouth, then a look of ease washes over his face. HAWK Wow. I feel a hundred times better! He hands the vomit-filled pitcher back to the shocked woman. HAWK Thanks lady. He looks over at the emcee, who gazes at Hawk from the DJ booth. HAWK Maestro? As you were. The emcee stands perfectly still, jaw agape. HAWK Come on, dude, we got a bunch of frisky felines waiting for some entertainment! The show must go on! Hawk starts gyrating even though the music is still off. The emcee shrugs, re-cuing the song. It starts again as Hawk faces the crowd, dancing with new-found bravado. The women come out of their dumbstruck comas and reluctantly start CLAPPING again. Hawk pulls off his jacket and twirls it over his head Roger Daltry style. Then he pulls it back down and tosses it into the crowd. The women actually fight over it. Encouraged, Hawk then peels off his KISS Army tee-shirt and hurls it at the women, who SQUEAL with delight. Sure, he may be scrawny, but they don't mind. This lad's got personality. Adrenaline pumping, confidence building, Hawk starts playing the crowd of very responsive ladies. He unbuttons his jeans first. Then, leaving them on, he does an "air guitar" medley: Chuck Berry, ZZ Top, Angus Young from AC/DC, and Elvis Costello in six easy steps. Hawk finishes off with a Pete Townshend windmill, shaking his ass at his audience in mid-strum, then licks his finger and touches one of his cheeks: "hot stuff" (he does this in a manly way of course). Then Hawk pauses to adjust what looks to be his underwear bunching up in his crack. The women WHOO-HOO. He segues into a Mick Jagger rooster strut and the ladies go ga-ga. He makes the sign of the horns with each hand and wiggles a protruding tongue like Gene Simmons. The gals scream in orgastic joy. Then, Hawk goes for the gold. Yes, he does the Fonzie dance! The women are now overcome by sheer animal lust. Hawk's whipped his audience into a frenzied pack of bitches in heat. Amanda smirks and sucks from her little drink straw suggestively. At long last Hawk figures he has to give them what they want. He puts his fingers to his fly, pauses, then unzips. His Brittanias fall to his ankles, revealing a pair of bony legs sticking down from some KISS boxer shorts. The ladies go batty. Unfortunately Hawk has neglected a cardinal rule of disrobing. Never pull your pants down without taking your shoes off first. He tries to kick off his shoes. The left one goes flying across the bar and THWACK, beans a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN in the face. She flies backwards over a chair. Trying to kick the other shoe off, Hawk loses his balance and falls backwards, hitting his head on the edge of the bar. DRUM ROLL / NEGOTIATION INT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT Trip looks at the little kid, Chongo, and the two buds in fear. TRIP Two hundred bucks? LITTLE KID You heard me, nad breath. My time's precious and I think that's a reasonable price to pay for your sorry life. TRIP Look, I want to live, but I don't know where the fuck I'm gonna find two hundred bucks. The little kid shakes his head in disgust. LITTLE KID Chongo? Take him outside and tear his ass out through his mouth. Chongo advances, muscles flexing. TRIP Hold on! I know how I can get the money! I just figured it out! Only you might wanna wait outside. The little kid and Chongo look at each other. CHONGO I don't trust him. LITTLE KID I think he's on the level. He's too stupid to try anything sneaky anyway. Look at him, he's a moron. They look back at Trip. LITTLE KID You got fifteen minutes and not a second longer. We have a concert to go to. See you outside. Trip nods sullenly as the kid, Chongo, and the two buds exit. Then he checks to make sure Stretch Armstrong is still with him. INT. BASS DRUM - NIGHT Lex is twisted like a pretzel as he's carted into the bowels of Cobo Hall. He tries to keep calm, but it's not in his nature. LEX (under his breath) Keep it together, Lex. Anything worth fighting for is worth dying for. INT. COBO HALL/RECEIVING AREA - NIGHT ROADIES and TECHIES run in all directions as last minute preparations are being attended to. Two roadies carry the base drum down a long ramp unaware that Lex is hidden inside. ROADIE #2 Boy, this one's heavy. Suddenly, Roadie #2 snags his foot on a mess of cable and loses his balance, dropping the oversized drum. In an instant the drum goes rolling down the ramp quickly gaining speed. ROADIE #2 Shit! The roadies bolt after the runaway drum. Other workers scurry out of the way to avoid being hit by the speeding instrument. INT. BASS DRUM - NIGHT Lex spins like in a dryer on speed. LEX WHOOOOAAA! INT. COBO HALL/RECEIVING AREA - NIGHT More techies jump out of the way as the wayward drum heads right for a closed set of double doors. The roadies are just about to grab it before impact, when... The door unexpectedly swings open. The FOXY GROUPIES on the other side scream at the sight of the careening drum heading straight for them. ROADIE #2 Close that door! Too late. The groupies jump away as the drum flies through the open door and down a flight of stairs. INT. COBO HALL STAIRWELL - NIGHT The drum bounces down the zigzag stairway violently. Lex's GRUNTS of pain can be heard from inside. AT THE BOTTOM The big drum hits the landing hard, tips over, then spins like a quarter getting faster before it stops. ON THE ROADIES They barrel down the stairs two at a time. Finally reaching the bottom, they grab the drum. ROADIE #2 Peter's gonna kill us. As they carry the drum back up the stairs, we see it is now empty. Once the roadies are gone, CAMERA TILTS UP to the ceiling. There's Lex clutching exposed pipes for dear life, hanging upside down, praying the coast is clear. BETH'S CONFESSION / COMPENSATORY POSSIBILITIES INT. CONFESSIONAL - NIGHT Jam is at the end of his confession. The priest is still listening on the other side of the screen. Beth sits in the shadows behind Jam. JAM So, you see if it wasn't for me, me and my friends would be at that KISS concert right now... together. PRIEST That's it? JAM Yeah. PRIEST Well, this is a unique confession to say the least, son. And not exactly the most interesting one I've ever heard either. You sure you don't want to talk about... oh, carnal knowledge with a neighborhood girl or impure thoughts about the new student teacher maybe... or how about finding a box of magazines under your dad's bed? JAM No. PRIEST Well then, I suggest you have a seat on the bench behind you and think of something a little juicier to confess than losing KISS tickets. I realize this is Detroit, but I personally find, what that rock and roll band is all about, to be boring as Lucifer's kingdom. I'll return in a little while. The priest SLIDES the door shut again. Jam is all but shrouded in darkness, but can make out the time on his watch. It's getting late. He resignedly sits on the bench behind him... right on Beth's lap. Jam yells, but Beth throws her hand over his mouth. His eyes bulge. He can't believe what he's seeing. He climbs off Beth and sits next to her. JAM (whispering) Beth? I can't believe it. BETH Believe it. Jam thinks for a beat. Something still isn't quite clicking. JAM Are you waiting for confession? I thought you were Jewish? BETH can hardly speak. She gulps thinking of what to say. BETH I have a confession. Here it is. Beth gives him the biggest, wettest, sloppiest kiss in recorded history. She pulls away finally wiping her mouth. BETH I didn't mean for that to be so... intense. Forgive me. JAM I don't care. I wanna hear more. She lunges at him again, kissing him for dear life. Her lips leave his and begin to explore his chin, neck, ear. BETH I've loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you, Jeremiah. I've just always been too scared to show it. JAM Beth, I can't believe you just said that because that's exactly how I've always felt about you... Call me Jam. It's my band name. BETH You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that... Jam! He kisses her neck. Unable to stop, they start undressing each other, both breathing heavy. BETH We've got to take this slow... JAM Right, slow... BETH Oh, screw it! She tears his tee-shirt open with her teeth. INT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP JOINT - NIGHT A really buff STRIPPER dressed as a construction worker is on stage with about ten others who stand in the background. The emcee's hand hovers above the stripper's head. EMCEE Okay, ladies, it's down to... Troy the Human Jackhammer... The women APPLAUD as we... FOLLOW the emcee's hand to Hawk who holds an ice pack on the side of his head. EMCEE ...and Mr. Massive Head Wound Accompanied by an Upset Stomach-Hawk! The women APPLAUD but not quite as loud. EMCEE No contest. The grand prize of seventy- five dollars goes to Troy the Human Jackhammer! The women cheer and a DISCO SONG starts as Troy does a reprise of his act. Hawk walks away from the stage with the rest of the rejected strippers, looking the way he feels: pretty damn stupid. He puts on his pants, trying to walk at the same time and falls to his knees. A helpful hand grabs him under the arm and helps him up. It's Amanda looking lustier than ever. HAWK Thanks, miss. AMANDA You're too kind. I'm Amanda. HAWK Right, well, thanks for the drinks and stuff, Amanda, but there's no reason for me to stick around these parts anymore. AMANDA Don't be so glum, Hawk. The night's still young and filled with plenty of compensatory possibilities. HAWK Huh? AMANDA I'd be in a position to spend some money on you if you'd get in a position and spend some time on me. Hawk GULPS. INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - NIGHT Jam and Beth lay buck naked, tightly wrapped around each other in the heat of passion on the confessional booth floor. They kiss, sweat, and PANT heavily. Suddenly, the sliding door to the priest's booth opens. Jam and Beth freeze. PRIEST'S VOICE Where are you, son? JAM Uhh, tying my shoe. PRIEST'S VOICE Oh. So, have you thought of a colorful confession yet? JAM Actually, yes. Last year I walked out of a candy store with a Reggie Bar I hadn't paid for, but went back and apologized the next day. PRIEST'S VOICE Boooring. Think, boy, think! We hear the door SLIDE shut again as Beth and Jam pick up where they left off. HOLD UP INT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT Trip leafs through a KISS comic, not really paying attention to it. Directly behind him is the register and the CASHIER. He starts hearing voices in his head. We see SUPERS of his friends' faces hovering around him. LEX'S VOICE I can't believe you're even thinking of committing a robbery, Trip. You don't pass go and collect 200 dollars for pulling stuff like this. HAWK'S VOICE No shit, dude, is this really worth it? Sure you get your ass kicked nine ways to Sunday by that fucking gorilla, but it's still a hundred times better than getting it porked for the next three to five. Trip sends brief, agitated glances around the store meeting the cashier's eyes again. She smiles at him coyly as she plays with her mood ring. He gives her the eye, then returns to his comic. JAM'S VOICE And what about that girl, Trip? She'll never forget this night. Even if you get away with it, she'll be scarred for life. When are you gonna realize sometimes being tough means being tender. TRIP (to the other voices) Alright, everybody, SHUT UP! Trip snaps out of it. All the shoppers and cashier are starring at him. He COUGHS loudly, clearing his throat to cover his outburst. The shoppers go back to shopping. A MAN WITH A LONG COAT enters the store, looks around, then takes a spot alongside Trip and opens a Mad Magazine. TRIP (whispering to himself) Okay, bro. You gonna have to do this sometime. Might as well be now. Trip puts a hand in his pocket and takes one last look at Stretch Armstrong before stuffing the action figure back in so it looks like he's got a gun. He takes three deep breaths and discreetly pulls his knit cap down over his eyes, revealing it actually as a semi-ski mask that covers the top half of his face. Just then, the man with the coat puts the magazine back and pulls something over his own head. Trip whirls around pointing Stretch-in-his-pocket at the cashier... Just as the man in the coat, now masked with a stocking, pulls the biggest shotgun ever made from under his coat, pointing it at the cashier as well. The cashier shrieks. So does Trip. MAN WITH COAT Evening, honey. Y'know what I am, what this is, and what you have to do, so do it quick. (to shoppers, Trip included) The rest of you kindly introduce yourselves to the floor and kiss it hello. His thunder now stolen, Trip drops to the floor along with everyone else. The air is very tense. The cashier starts SOBBING, keeping her hands in the air. MAN WITH COAT (to cashier) Do or die, bitch! Next time I let the barrels do the talking. CASHIER P-p-please, mister, I'm just a high school kid... Man with the coat COCKS the chamber and the cashier immediately opens the register drawer and starts emptying it. MAN WITH COAT Fuck school, that's what I say! I just went through the motions till I was old enough to drop out and I'm leaving here with at least two fifty the easy way. Look where all that studying's gonna get you tonight. Robbed at gunpoint and possibly shot in the fucking head... for minimum wage! The man with the coat's laughter ECHOES in Trip's head till he just can't take it anymore. ON THE CASHIER She suddenly shoots a surprise glance over the man with the coat's shoulder. Seeing this, the man spins around. There's Trip behind him. TRIP Alright, drop it or I'll kick your ass! Astounded by Trip's audacity, the man with the coat turns his shotgun point-blank at Trip. MAN WITH COAT Oh, yeah! You and what army? TRIP (gulps) The KISS Army! CRASHING BACKSTAGE INT. COBO HALL/BACKSTAGE - NIGHT Your wildest fantasy of a rock show's backstage area come true. The place is packed with "beautiful" people. Scantily- clad BABES everywhere. Slick, RECORD BIZ-TYPES. Lots of food. Lots of booze. Lots of fun. It's backstage at a KISS concert, come on! CAMERA TILTS UP above the partying hordes to find Lex shimming along an exposed duct amid the pipes, sprinklers, and vents. Looking straight down on everybody, Lex is in awe and disbelief. LEX This is real. This is not a dream! This is real! I've pierced the inner circle! He takes the opportunity to peer down some BIG BUSTED GIRL'S cleavage. Then his eye spots something else. He GASPS. A door. On it a star. Written on the star, the word, KISS. LEX Oh, God, they're in there! A big-haired HIPSTER in mirrored sunglasses KNOCKS on the dressing room door. It opens, but Lex can't see inside. The hipster stands in the doorway talking to whoever is there. Lex cranes his neck to see around the door jamb. Desperate for a glimpse of his idols, he leans out too far. Suddenly, the entire duct collapses. Breaking loose of the ceiling, Lex hurls to the floor clutching the duct. Backstage goers leap for cover as SMASH... he hits the ground in a shower of plaster and dust. The hipster protectively pulls the dressing room door shut as two SECURITY MEN jump in front of it. Instantly, huge, burly hands come down on Lex's shoulders. Before he can react, a slew of OFFICERS have him off his feet and carry him away, a stunned expression frozen to his face. EXT. ALLEY BEHIND COBO HALL - NIGHT Lex is thrown into a heaping garbage dumpster by the scruff of his neck. The security officers laugh and pat themselves on the back as they hurry back in. Lex peeks out the lid. The alley is dark and spooky. He jumps out of the trash and comes face to face with the biggest GERMAN SHEPHERD that has ever lived. Its teeth are bared and its black, wolf-like body is coiled, ready to spring. GRRRRRRR! Lex jumps backward hitting the dumpster. A GROWLING PITBULL walks out from the shadows and joins the Shepherd. LEX (petrified) Dogs! Why did it have to be dogs! Then, a GROWLING DOBERMAN with a spiked collar emerges from the darkness on the other side of the alley, its solid, muscular form making the brick building nearby look like jello. Lex starts SLAPPING himself on the face. LEX Wake up, Lex! Wake up, man! This part's gotta be a nightmare! No luck. He stops, when several other DOGS emerge from the shadows and gather behind the first three. These new mutts immediately join in the GROWLING chorale. The Shepherd snaps at Lex. LEX (to the heavens) God, if you ever get me outta this, I swear I will never masturbate again! The pack BARKS even louder. LEX (to heaven again) I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME! INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - NIGHT Beth lays in Jam's arms on the floor. They might as well be the only two people on the face of the earth. They whisper. BETH So. Is it true that Gene Simmons had a cow's tongue grafted onto his real one? Y'know, to make it so long? JAM I dunno. I think he had the piece of skin under his tongue removed so he could stick it out farther. I'm not too up on Gene trivia. BETH Your man is the drummer, Peter Criss, right? JAM Peter Criss is my inspiration, man. If I paid a hundred bucks for a KISS show and all I saw was his solo, I'd consider it... money... Hey, how'd you know that? BETH I have all your notebook doodles memorized, Jam... Here. She opens her backpack and pulls out a package addressed to Jam. The return address reads: Beth Bumsteen, Somewhere in Ann Arbor. JAM Ann Arbor? BETH My dad's company is relocating him. We're moving. That's why I was acting so freaky in school today. I thought it was the last time I'd ever see you. Anyway, open the box. I would have given it to you this morning, except... like I said, I was freaking out. Jam opens the box and his jaw drops. It's a black tee-shirt with the "Mystery" logo printed in white on the chest. Jam holds it up. It's gigantic. BETH I pass by this really cool tee-shirt shop on my way to school every day and I know you wear those black tee- shirts all the time. You look like a size thirty-five, but all the sizes were in Roman numerals. So I got you an XXXL. That's thirty-five, isn't it? Touched, Jam kisses her for a long time. He starts putting on the shirt when suddenly they hear the SHUFFLING of the priest entering his booth. Jam grabs his clothes and sits back on the bench. Beth starts getting dressed at his feet. PRIEST Okay, you better have something really sinful for me this time, son. My patience is worn to threads and your mom will be here any minute. JAM (pulling up his pants) Alright, Father, here it is. About two weeks ago I went to my cousin's wedding and one of the bridesmaids asked me if I wanted to take a bath. PRIEST No... Beth is tying her shoes. Jam slips on his socks. JAM I was insulted, so I asked her if I was wreaking some wicked b.o., right? Then she said no, she wanted to take a bath with me. PRIEST Oh, this is terrible... Please go on. JAM Well, she was a very tempting siren, Father. Built like you wouldn't believe. So I gave into temptation about a block away from the wedding reception at this little motel that charges by the hour. Jam pauses. PRIEST Well? Continue! Continue! JAM Okay... when she peeled off that gown, you'll never guess what she was wearing underneath. PRIEST Was it a teddy? Fully dressed, Beth crawls out of the confessional. JAM No. Much bet... I mean, much more sinful than that. PRIEST A bustier? JAM Tell you what. You keep guessing and I'll say something when you get it. PRIEST Splendid! I love a good game of Name That Nightie. Jam quietly sneaks out. INT. ST. SEBASTIAN'S CATHEDRAL - NIGHT We can hear the priest's voice as Jam hurries to Beth. They dash out the door. PRIEST'S VOICE Satin underwear? Crotchless panties? Leopard skin bra? Fishnet leotard? Leather G-string? EXT. ALLEY BEHIND COBO HALL - NIGHT Still trapped by the GROWLING, BARKING pack of dogs, Lex searches nervously through the garbage behind him. LEX Okay, okay, you're pissed off. I can see this. So... Maybe what we need... ah-ha. Lex holds up a worn-out, old frisbee. LEX Play some frisbee, poochies? The pack just glares and SNARLS. He tosses the frisbee over the packs' heads, but the dogs don't even acknowledge it. They just keep BARKING and GROWLING. Meanwhile, an unnoticed dog at the rear of the pack, a mangy Basset Hound, turns its flat head to see the frisbee land on the ground behind him. His tail starts to wag. LEX (exasperated) Alright! I give up! I hearby and forthwith defer my destiny to you mutts. I may be an intelligent, upright, walking, homo-fucking sapien, but you fleabags are a force of nature. So, I'm just gonna sit here and wait for you to decide. If you let me live, I thank you. If you bite my head off, I'll die knowing I did all I could. It's up to you. Lex waits before the GROWLING, SNAPPING canines. Suddenly, the Basset Hound runs up in front of the pack and drops the frisbee at Lex's feet. Lex looks down at the floppy, wrinkly dog, who wags its tail and PANTS furiously. LEX Well, how do you like that? Lex starts to pet the hound, and one-by-one the rest of the dogs shut-up. Shocked, Lex picks the frisbee up again and throws it. This time the entire pack bolts after the Whammo product. Lex smiles, watching them fight for it in the air... in SLOW MOTION... as the theme from "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" begins. The black Shepherd finally grabs the frisbee in its mouth and runs back toward Lex. It's soon joined by the rest of the pack. That's right about when Lex realizes they aren't going to stop. LEX Whoa! Whoa! The dogs plow into Lex full-force knocking him into the garbage. They surround him licking his face. Lex bursts into unstoppable laughter. Pulling himself up, he pets the dogs as they jump around him wagging their tails and PANTING. LEX (baby talk) You sonsofbitches could tickle a guy to death, y'know that? Sure you do... Sure you do... Lex stops. He hears TALKING coming from inside the windowless, brick building on the other side of the alley. He steps in front of the pack and puts his fingers to his lips. They obey, quieting instantly. He then tiptoes to a thin crack in the brick wall. The dogs quietly follow. Lex puts his eye to the crack and peers in. INT. CHOP SHOP - NIGHT LEX'S POV His mom's Volvo and a BMW are on adjacent hydraulic lifts inside a makeshift auto-mechanic shop. Two BEEFY JERKS with blow torches stand next to the cars. One has a bandage on his head and seems to be in pain. BEEFY JERK #1 So, I jump into the car, hot-wire it in thirty seconds and start driving. Then, suddenly I hear this scream. The disco queen was asleep in the back seat. Beefy jerk #2 laughs. BEEFY JERK #1 You think it's funny? How would you like to have a stiletto heel smacking you in the temple when you're tryin' to work? Beefy jerk #2 laughs more. Beefy jerk #1 checks the time. BEEFY JERK #1 You about done splittin' a gut there? We gotta get these parts to Toledo by nine. Then a familiar voice is heard coming from the back of the shop. CHRISTINE Then maybe you guys'll let me go, huh? Lex follows the voice and sees Christine handcuffed to a radiator near the rear of the shop. CHRISTINE Come on, whadaya say? You scratch my back, I scratch yours. You let me go, and in return, I keep my big mouth shut about your little operation here. Mum, know what I mean? BEEFY JERK #2 You're lucky you're still alive, wench. If you was a guy, we woulda thought nothin' of sawing your head off with a butter knife. BEEFY JERK #1 What are we gonna do with her anyway? Beefy jerk #2 bares what's left of his yellow, crusty teeth BEEFY JERK #2 I dunno, but she sure looks fun. Beefy jerk #1 touches the bandage on his head. BEEFY JERK #1 Yeah, and payback's a bitch. Christine GAGS at the thought. ANGLE ON WALL CRACK Lex's eyeball bulges with terror. EXT. IT'S RAINING MEN PARKING LOT - NIGHT DOLLY FROM the front end of a Jaguar XKE, Michigan vanity plate reading: AMANDA. TO its windshield, through which we see Hawk and Amanda kissing in the front seat, clad only in their underwear. Something like "ME AND MRS. JONES" plays on the radio. When they separate, Amanda takes out a flask and offers it to Hawk. HAWK Thanks. He gulps some down and pulls the flask away COUGHING. HAWK What the hell is that? AMANDA Gin. HAWK Whoa. Some of this hard liquor's a tad too manly for me. I'm a brewski man myself. AMANDA Better ease up then, Hawk. Wouldn't want to give you whiskey dick would we? HAWK Who's Whiskey Dick? Amanda plants a stocking foot on Hawk's crotch and rubs. AMANDA Well. Obviously no one you have to worry about... Woody. HAWK My name's not Woody, it's Haw-haw... Hawk's eyes cross as he lets out a DEEP, OBNOXIOUS GROAN. HAWK ...holy shit! Amanda looks down at his crotch. AMANDA But you do know Premature Peter, don't you? Shame, I just bought these stockings. Hawk has never been more embarrassed. HAWK Well, Amanda, this has been quite a night. So far you've seen me and my dick throw up. (to the heavens) What's next? Projectile diarrhea? (beat, to Amanda) Man. What a stud, huh? AMANDA Believe it or not, you still have a way to go before you start competing with my soon-to-be-ex-husband... the champion of lousy lovemaking. The man who thinks he's the biggest and the best... The man who thinks every secretary, stewardess, and cocktail waitress he fucks should lick his feet for the honor. The man for whom faking it was invented. Christ, if I hadn't gotten pregnant with our son, I would have never known I even had sex with the prick. She takes a healthy swig of gin, relishing its bitterness. HAWK You love him? AMANDA I just told you, he's a big, hairy... HAWK No, I mean... you love your son? AMANDA More than anything in the world. HAWK And he loves you back, doesn't he? AMANDA He's a little spoiled, but I know he does. HAWK Well, shame on him if he doesn't. She pats his shoulder. AMANDA You're sweet. Hawk stares out the windshield. HAWK My mom died of a heart attack while she was having me. Man, I wish I had known her for even one day. If they ever invent a time machine, that's what I'm doing. Going back in time to meet my mom. I'm gonna say, "Mrs. Pitchford?... or Miss Williams, depending on when I show up. You don't know me, but I'm your kid from the future. Just wanted to thank you for the blue eyes, pug nose and for tying the knot with a guy who didn't mind diaper detail... Oh, and, uh... cut down on the red meat, will ya?" Amanda caresses Hawk's cheek. He turns with her hand and kisses it. He takes her arm and begins kissing his way up to her neck, her cheek, her mouth... DR. LOVE TO THE RESCUE INT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT It's a stand-off. Prone customers look up at Trip and the man with the long coat circling each other like sharks. The helpless cashier lets out fearful sobs. MAN WITH COAT Gimme your gun, boy! TRIP No, you gimme your gun, boy! MAN WITH COAT Don't tempt me, I'll shoot! TRIP Not if I shoot first! MAN WITH COAT I don't even think you have a gun! TRIP Neither do I! The man with the coat puts his shotgun against Trip's head. MAN WITH COAT Now, for the last time, take the piece out and lay back down or your mom's gonna need the White Tornado to get the brains outta your ski cap. Trip GULPS. The jig's up. He slowly pulls out Stretch Armstrong, and the man with the coat glances down and starts to laugh very loud. So loud, he throws his head back. When he recovers, Trip's got Stretch aimed at his head and pulled back to maximum tension. TRIP Smile, you sonofa... Trip lets go. WZZMACK! The man gets it right in the face and falls backward onto the Hostess display, toppling a whole bunch of Ho-Ho's, Ding-Dong's, Twinkies, and Suzy-O's to the ground. Trip runs up and grabs the shotgun away as the man with the coat lifts his head briefly, then passes out. Trip turns around and the cashier SLAMS into him, nearly knocking him over. She throws her arms around him letting out relieved SOBS. Behind her all the customers rise from the floor CLAPPING. Trip did it. He saved the fucking store! The cashier looks into Trip's masked eyes. CASHIER Thank you! Thank you!... Who are you? TRIP (with confidence) Call me... Dr. Love! She plants a thousand mega-watt kiss on his lips and we ZOOM IN on her mood ring changing color from gray to fire engine red. Trip's eyes widen just before... KABOOM... The shotgun he's holding goes off, blowing a hole in the ceiling. The recoil from the blast jolts Trip and the cashier apart. We now see Trip's face is smeared with bright, red lipstick. A huge chunk of ceiling falls onto his head but he doesn't move. The kiss hit him harder. I'M HERE FOR THE GIRL AND THE CAR INT. CHOP SHOP - NIGHT BZZZZZ! Christine and the beefy jerks watch the brown, '78 Volvo, Ohio plates: OB-GYN, ascend on a hydraulic lift. Behind them sits the BMW skeleton. These boys work fast. CHRISTINE You guys better kill me before you do what you're thinking of doing. Cause when I'm mad enough, I can bite down very hard. The beefy jerks laughs. BEEFY JERK #1 Sweet Polly Purebred's got some spunk, huh? BEEFY JERK #2 I'll give her some spunk alright. They put their blow torches down and turn to her. BEEFY JERK #1 We stripped that Beemer in fifteen minutes. Bet we can strip her in fifteen seconds. They giggle maniacally and lumber toward Christine. Their shadows growing larger and larger across her. CHRISTINE (mile a minute) Now wait a minute, guys! Two against one ain't fair. Lemme go back and get my friend Barbara. You'd love her. Tits the size of your head. You'll feel like a little baby sucking on 'em. I swear, I'll bring her right back. It'll be a four-way... You guys like disco? I teach disco dancing at my church. You guys look like you got rhythm in your blood. Come on, free lessons if you let me go. BEEFY JERK #1 I know a dance we can do. The horizontal hustle. They both laugh. Just as they're about to grab her... Suddenly, the garage door behind them SLIDES UP revealing darkness. Christine and the beefy jerks look out anxiously. BEEFY JERK #1 Who's there? Silence except for CRICKETS. Then... from out of the darkness emerges a figure... Lex. Christine's eyes brighten like a bulb. LEX I'm here for the girl and the car. You can try to stop me, but I must warn you, it may be hazardous to your health. The beefy jerks laugh at this little punk. They start toward him, one with a tire iron, the other a big monkey wrench. BEEFY JERK #1 Too bad. He was such a young idiot. BEEFY JERK #2 Ehhh. He was a stupid boy. He deserved to die. Lex lets out a quick HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE. The pack of BARKING dogs led by the Shepherd, the Pit Bull, the Doberman, and the Basset Hound, step from the darkness and flank Lex, GROWLING and SNARLING at the beefy jerks. LEX Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make... Hounds of hell? Say hello to dinner! The beefy jerks drop their tools on their feet and yelp in pain. The pack takes this as a threat and charge the beefy jerks, who bolt for a glass-partitioned office. The dogs SCRATCH and BARK at the window ferociously. Lex smiles at Christine. She smiles back. He presses the "down" button on the lift and the Volvo descends. Lex yells to the beefy jerks through the glass. LEX One foot out of that office and your asses are Alpo! Lex unlocks Christine. She leaps into his arms. CHRISTINE Wow! Thank you! You're cooler than the Fonz. She gives him a lingering kiss. Lex leans back, gives the double thumbs-up, and says... LEX Aaaayyyyy! Lex takes her hand and they walk over to the Volvo. Lex lets her in then rounds the car to the driver's side. BEEFY JERK #1 Hey, what about the dogs? LEX You got a phone in there? They nod. Lex drips a dry smile onto them. LEX Call the cops. The beefy jerks watch in disbelief as the Volvo SCREECHES out of the chop shop. 2 GODDBYES, A PUNCH IN THE GUT AND A DRUMSTICK EXT. WHITE CASTLE PARKING LOT - NIGHT Beth's parents wait in the running car as Jam and Beth share a heartfelt good-bye outside the back door. BETH Ann Arbor isn't... that far from Cleveland, right? JAM Nah. Once I get my own wheels, I could come up all the time. BETH That'd be great. Hey, maybe someday your band'll play there. It's a college town, you know? Jam takes her hands. JAM I feel like such an idiot. Why didn't I just say something a year and a half ago? Man, think of how much time we wasted. BETH Let's not think about the past. Let's just think about from today on. I'll never forget you, Jam. JAM Tell me about it. Church will never be the same again. They stare at each other for a really long time. Then, kiss. BEEP. BEEP. Dad looks back out the window and CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY. BETH (flustered) Coming dad. (to Jam) I'll call you. Soon as we get a phone. Bye. JAM Bye. She gets in the car. They both wave as the Impala turns a corner out of sight. Jam is left alone still waving long after she's gone. INT. AMANDA'S JAG - NIGHT Amanda and Hawk are half-dressed post-coitus. She looks in her purse. HAWK Amanda, as ironic as this is gonna sound, I can't take any money for... I'm no Midnight Cowboy, y'know. It would only cheapen the whole deal for me. AMANDA I'm not paying you for the lovemaking, Hawk. I just want you to have whatever you needed the money for when you took me up on my offer. She forces the money into his palm. HAWK ...Thanks. They kiss. AMANDA You're a good man, Hawk. Thank you. EXT. SMILEY MART - NIGHT The cashier, shoppers, and a gathering CROWD watch two cops load the dazed man with the coat into a cruiser. COP #1 (to cashier) You wouldn't happen to know where we could find this... Dr. Love, would you? CASHIER It's company policy to hand over a cash reward of a hundred and fifty dollars to anyone who stops a robbery. I gave him the money and he took off. The cops shrug and get into the cruiser. COP #2 Okay, well, thanks anyway. And let us know if you happen to see him again. We'd like to ask him some questions. The cruiser takes off and the cashier stares at her mood ring. It throbs red like a beating heart. CASHIER (sighing to herself) If I see Dr. Love any time soon, you're gonna have to wait till I'm done with him first. CAMERA TRACKS BACK QUICKLY AND SWINGS JUST AROUND THE CORNER. EXT. SMILEY MART PARKING LOT - NIGHT We find Trip counting his money out to the little kid, Chongo, and their two buds. TRIP ...hundred forty, hundred fifty. That's all I got. The little kid puts the money in his pocket. LITTLE KID Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I really wanted things to work out for you, my weasly, dim- witted friend. You got spunk. (to Chongo) Chongo, give him a fifty dollar wallop. Chongo reels back and... TRIP Oh, no... Please, look. I... THWAM! Right in Trip's face. Trip flies off his feet into the Smiley Mart brick wall with a THUD. A bag of weed drops from his jacket, then some uppers, a few sheets of acid, and finally a can of beer rolls out. CHONGO Hey, the jerkoff's got drugs. LITTLE KID Consider it a bonus, Chongo. Chongo laughs like an ejaculating gorilla as he and his two buds scoop it all up. The little kid, Chongo, and the buds leave Trip lying in a puddle of his own nose blood. He pulls out Stretch Armstrong and looks at him fondly. TRIP (misty eyed) At least I still got you, Stretch. Trip looks up. The six year olds who he stole it from stand close by having watched the whole humiliating exchange. Licked, Trip tosses the doll to them. They both dash away with it, giggling. EXT. NEARBY STREET - NIGHT Christine sits in an idling taxi taking money from Lex, who stands outside the window. LEX This oughta be enough to get you to Disco Inferno, Christine. CHRISTINE Come with. It's not too late for you to catch the fever. LEX No can do. But I made a promise to get you to that disco, and we KISS maniacs are men of our word. Besides... you're pretty cool... for a stella, I mean. Christine takes his hand and writes something on his palm in lipstick. CHRISTINE Here's my number. Tell me how cool I am over the phone sometime. Okay? She gives Lex a kiss then pushes him away. CHRISTINE (to CABBIE) Disco Inferno, on the double. The taxi SCREECHES away as Lex smiles and gets back into the Volvo. INT. COBO HALL - NIGHT Jam approaches the stadium, passing the MATMOKS, walking straight up to Mrs. Bruce. Her back is to him. He taps her on the shoulder. She turns. Her jaw drops. It escaped again! And what an ugly tee-shirt. JAM I'm gonna ask you nicely first. Mom, can I have my drumsticks back? Taken aback by his confidence, Mrs. Bruce grabs his ear and tries to pull him away. He won't budge. JAM Again, can I have my drumsticks? A BUNCH OF IDIOTS walk by with big transistor radios. One of them holds a Mr. Microphone and heckles the MATMOKS. LEAD IDIOT Hey, I'm on the radio! Hi, good- lookin'. We'll be back to pick you up later! Mrs. Bruce yells at Jam through her bullhorn. MRS. BRUCE Drumsticks are the least of your worries, young man. You are in a world of... Jam yanks the Mr. Microphone from the lead idiot and screams at his mother, his voice amplified on the transistors. Everyone stares. JAM I know, mom, I've been in trouble for about twelve hours now! Hellooooo!? The other MATMOKS turn to look as Jam climbs onto a trash receptacle and shouts down at his mother, his face slowly turning purple. JAM I'm gonna be spending the next two years of my life at St. Bernard's Boarding School, remember?! I'm gonna be outta your hair till I'm a legal adult, remember?! That way, all you have to do is go to church, light a candle, pray to a little statue for me, and voila! All is forgiven and forgotten, right mom?!! Then, you can spend your days in guilt-free pursuit of more constructive activities like telling everybody else how screwed up their lives are! That way you no longer need the patience and understanding required to communicate on some normal level with your own child!!! And that way you don't even have to think about how tough it was for you when you were growing up, and it's a good thing too. Cause if you did, you'd realize what a LOUSY, GODDAMN, SHITTY- ASS, PARENT YOU ARE!!! The crowd of KISS fans APPLAUD Jam's rant. Mrs. Bruce is utterly winded from the assault. MRS. BRUCE (timidly) Jeremiah... what's gotten into you? JAM (into Mr. Microphone) I just lost my virginity in a confessional booth! Lord have mercy!! The crowd cheers. Jam jumps down and hands the Mr. Microphone back to the lead idiot. He turns to his mom. JAM For the last time, mom. Let me have my fucking drumsticks. Please. Mrs. Bruce reaches into the trash, finds the drumsticks and hands them to him. He spins them like pistols, then stuffs them into his socks and walks away. SIMPLE PLAN EXT. IT'S RAINING MEN STRIP CLUB - NIGHT Hawk runs to the scalper across the street who's selling a ticket to another KISS fan. HAWK Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! That better not be the last ticket! I hope you have another one for me! The scalper sees Hawk and bolts down the street disappearing around a corner. Hawk stops. He's lost him. Hawk sulks to the now-familiar intersection where all four landmarks meet. He takes one more look up the block at Cobo Hall. Nearly all the KISS fans are inside. The streets are almost deserted. HAWK Fuck me! He sees someone out of the corner of his eye across the street. It's Jam. Lex approaches the other corner. Trip comes up to the forth corner. They all stop when they see each other. Each standing on his own corner. They're all pissed. They meet in the middle of the street as last minute CONCERT GOERS hurry by. HAWK Any luck? TRIP Plenty, but it was all bad. LEX I found the Volvo. HAWK Tickets? They all shake no. HAWK Well, dudes, the only way we're gonna see KISS this tour is by some fuckin' miracle. Suddenly, a commotion up the street. A SURLY MOM yanks four 12 YEAR OLD BRATS dressed like KISS by the scruffs of their necks. She's furious, they're CRYING. SURLY MOM How dare you sneak out of the house like that! You had me worried to death! Don't you know this is Detroit! And for a degenerate band like KISS! They're sick, sick, sick and oughta be in jail with their vile antics! She throws a wad of paper to the pavement as they pass our four heroes. The dudes watch her pull the brats away. SURLY MOM Just wait until your father gets ahold of you! Jam, Hawk, Lex, and Trip turn and look at the crumpled wad at their feet. It's an envelope. An ANGELIC SPOTLIGHT FROM ABOVE highlights it. LEX No... You don't think...? HAWK Nah. Couldn't be. They all shake their heads in unison resolved that it isn't. Then, unable to control themselves, they dive for the envelope. Jam tears it open. His trembling hand reaches in. All their eyes focus like lasers on what's inside. Jam pulls out four KISS tickets. Their jaws drop. Their eyes bug. JAM It's a miracle! A miracle! The boys are practically moved to tears. It's Divine Intervention at its finest. Suddenly, a greasy hand juts out of nowhere and grabs the tickets. The boys look up shocked. They can't believe it. ALL FOUR BOYS ELVIS?!! Yes, Elvis. Fire in his eyes. Mania on his mind. And tickets in his hand. ELVIS (laughing hysterically) Whose laughing now?! Whose laughing now, ya little shits?! I told ya... Over my dead body! Ha-HA-HAAA! HAWK (arms outstretched) Take it easy, Elvis. Don't do anything crazy. Just give me the tickets before someone gets hurt. TRIP Hey, wait a minute! This ain't school property! He's not the boss of us here! ELVIS (crazed) That's right. This ain't school. It's not about school anymore. Now it's personal. LEX Come on, Elvis. We was only kiddin'. It's all in good fun. We run, you chase. Cat and mouse. You know. ELVIS Boys, this time... I win! Elvis stuffs all four tickets in his mouth and chews crazily. In seconds, GULP. Elvis explodes into unhinged laughter as he runs away zigzagged down the street. Our boys are left dumbstruck and speechless. After a really long pause... JAM Well... I still got my idea if anybody will let me speak. HAWK (beaten) Go ahead, Jam. JAM We all beat each other up, then, once we're nice and bruised, we run over to the ticket takers and say we got mugged and our tickets were stolen. They gotta let us in then. They stand and think for a moment. Hawk's mouth curls into a devilish grin. Then, he lets out a gigantic "AIEEE!!! and slugs Jam. The four boys brutally pummel one another in the middle of the intersection. Punching. Kicking. Headbutting. EXT. COBO HALL - NIGHT Two TICKET TAKERS are letting the last KISS fans in. They're about to close the doors when our four bloodied and bruised heroes come running up. HAWK Dude, you gotta let us in! Four muggers just stole our tickets! TICKET TAKER (sceptical) You expect us to believe that? JAM Look at us! Trip points into the crowd of fans inside the auditorium foyer. TRIP It was those assholes! They even stole my wallet! The ticket takers turn to see the little kid, Chongo, and their two buds just going in. The ticket takers signal two security guards who proceed to stop the four stunned kids and confiscate their tickets. They find all the stolen dope and Trip's wallet. TRIP Inside that you'll find my KISS Army picture I.D. and a hundred fifty bucks cash. The security guards see he's right and break out the cuffs. TRIP (to little kid) Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I was really hoping things would work out for you, my weasly, midget friend. You got spunk. The little kid for once is speechless. Then the ticket taker extends his arm in SLOW MOTION into COBO Hall as if to say "Entrez Vous." The four friends pause. JAM This is it! They take a few slow steps almost as if they don't believe it, then run like the wind into the auditorium. DETROIT ROCK CITY INT. COBO HALL AUDITORIUM - NIGHT The lights are out. The lighters have been lit. The CROWDS' ROAR is deafening. Jam, Hawk, Trip, and Lex plow their way through the throngs and head straight for the front row just as Simple Simon takes the stage. SIMPLE SIMON You wanted the best! And you got the best! The hottest band in the world... KISS!!! Simple Simon runs from the stage just as the opening chords to DETROIT ROCK CITY BEGIN. On the beat, BOOM, FIREWORKS shoot from the floor alighting the place. KISS takes the stage descending on hydraulic elevators. ON JAM, HAWK, TRIP, AND LEX They're seeing God! The show is spectacular. The costumes. The make-up. The blitzkrieg of pyrotechnics. The flashing KISS sign. Ace's smoking guitar. Gene's spewing fire. Paul's rockin' vocals. Peter's kick-ass beat. Then, something really weird happens. The crowd behind the boys heaves forward. Jam is pushed like a twig in a flood and over the shoulders of those in front of him. Purely by accident, he is thrown onto the stage landing on his stomach between Paul and Gene. Just before Peter's drum solo is about to start. Gene, Paul, and Ace silence their instruments. Peter throws his drumstick into the air intending to catch it when it comes down. But the sight of Jam landing on the stage distracts him. All is mute as Peter misses the drumstick. It hits the outside edge of one of the drums. Thinking fast, Jam grabs one of his drumsticks out of his sock and tosses it to Peter. It tumbles through the air in SLOW MOTION with a LOW, WHOOPING, HELICOPTER SOUND. We see the word "Mystery" clearly as it twirls. Instantly, it's caught in Peter Criss's hand and he brings it down on his drum not missing a beat. The song resumes with all its fury as Peter's drum kit ascends on a hydraulic platform. Jam scrambles from the stage and leaps back into the audience barely missing the claws of some security guards. The four friends pound on each other with unbridled, teenage exuberance. Will it ever get any better than this? FREEZE FRAME. FADE TO WHITE: THE END

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA Written by Aline Brosh McKenna Based on the novel by Lauren Weisberger Shooting Draft - September 9, 2005 Blue Revisions - September 15, 2005 Pink Revisions - September 20, 2005 Green Revisions - October 9, 2005 Yellow Revisions - November 9, 2005 Goldenrod Revisions - November 14, 2005 Salmon Revisions - December 9, 2005 2nd Blue In Progress MUSIC UP FADE IN STEAM ON A MIRROR 1 ...wiped off by ANDY SACHS, 20's, pretty but not glamorous, 1 smart but green, hair up in a towel, brushing her teeth. We intercut ANDY getting ready and... ... we see three or four other GIRLS getting ready too. 1A A drawer filled with about forty lipsticks slides into 1A frame... One of the GIRLS carefully applies shiny lip gloss with a brush... ANDY puts on cherry Chapstick... 1B&C A lacy thong floats through the air... one of the GIRLS pulls 1B&C it up her glossy legs... A comfy cotton pair of Jockey bikinis is tugged out of a pile... ANDY pulls them on... 1D A gorgeous pair of slingback heels. One of the GIRLS pulls 1D the shoes on while her model handsome boyfriend reclines on crisp white sheets, watching her. 1E A pair of comfortable wedges... ANDY dresses while NATE, 1E rumpled, unshowered, wearing an old Alice in Chains t-shirt, watches her, reclining in mismatched bed-in-a-bag sheets... 1F&G A series of quick cuts... ANDY eats a full breakfast -- eggs, 1F&G bacon, bagel... One of the GIRLS carefully counts out seven almonds and pours a huge cup of black coffee... 1H&I ANDY straightens a pile of newspaper clips from the Daily 1H&I Northwestern with the byline ANDREA SACHS and proudly tucks them into her hideous college-graduation-present briefcase... One of the GIRLS takes Listerine breath strips, keys and a Gucci moneyclip and shoves everything in a tiny Fendi clutch. 2 EXT. NEW YORK CITY -- DAY 2 The GIRLS, looking flawless, fold their legs into taxis and town cars as ANDY trots down the street and into the subway. 3 INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY -- DAY 3 ANDY strides into an office building, confident. A GUARD stops her. Indicates she sign his clipboard. She signs in. ANDY What floor is Elias-Clarke? Human Resources. Beat. The GUARD just looks at her. What? (CONTINUED) 2. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 3 CONTINUED: 3 GUARD Honey, you want West 57th. 4 EXT. 57TH STREET -- DAY 4 ANDY runs, but she's moving against the pedestrian tide. We widen out to see ANDY, bucking the flow like a salmon going upstream. She gets to an intersection, starts to cross the street... ...and just misses being decked by a bike messenger. 5 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 5 ANDY sees a tower looming in front of her. Elias-Clarke. Streaming into the building are the polished GIRLS we saw in the opening... their heels click-clack on the concrete... They are the CLACKERS of Elias-Clarke. ANDY runs in. 6 OMITTED 6 7 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE ELEVATOR -- DAY 7 ANDY is a shrub in a CLACKER forest. One turns to another. CLACKER #1 You look awesome today. I can't wear cropped pants. I look like a whale. CLACKER #2 Oh, please. I look terrible. I almost called in fat today. ANDY looks at them, then down at herself. If they're fat, what am I? Ding! Elevator opens and ANDY exits. 8 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE -- DAY 8 ANDY sits across from SHERRY, 40's. On the wall are covers from the Elias-Clarke magazines -- a news magazine, a cooking magazine, a fitness magazine... and Runway. ANDY is unloading clips from her horrible briefcase. ANDY This article was about the Take Back the Night march. This was a four-part series on the impact of busing on the public schools... (CONTINUED) 3. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 8 CONTINUED: 8 SHERRY holds up her finger to stop ANDY talking. SHERRY I have two positions available. One is assistant to the road test editor of Auto Universe magazine. ANDY (forces a smile) And the other one--? 9 INT. RUNWAY RECEPTION AREA -- DAY 9 Sleek, elegant, hard-edged chic. Behind the reception desk is an elegant logo that says RUNWAY. ANDY walks over. ANDY Hi, I have an appointment with Emily Charlton-- EMILY (O.S.) Andrea Sachs? (EMILY (and MIRANDA, later) pronounce ANDREA Ahn-DRAY-a. ANDY refers to herself as AN-dree-a.) ANDY turns and sees a taller, thinner and, amazingly, more groomed CLACKER. This is EMILY. She looks the part of the sleek fashionista, but is propelled by a core of barely tamped down anxiety. She examines ANDY. EMILY (CONT'D) Human Resources certainly has a bizarre sense of humor. (sigh, annoyed) Follow me. 10 INT. RUNWAY HALLWAY -- DAY 10 EMILY briskly walks ANDY down the hall. EMILY Okay, so... I was Miranda's second assistant, but her first assistant recently got promoted so now I'm the first... ANDY glimpses an office in front of them, seductively bright. ANDY And you're replacing yourself. (CONTINUED) 4. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 10 CONTINUED: 10 EMILY I'm trying. Miranda sacked the last two girls after only a few weeks. We need to find someone who can survive here. Do you understand? ANDY Yes. Of course. Who's Miranda? EMILY (eyes widening) You didn't just ask me that. She's the editor in chief of Runway. Not to mention a legend. Work a year for her and you can get a job at any magazine you want. A million girls would kill for this job. ANDY Sounds great. I'd love to be considered. She smiles. EMILY tries to think how to break it to her. EMILY Andrea, Runway is a fashion magazine. An interest in fashion is crucial. ANDY What makes you think I'm not interested in fashion? EMILY gives her a look. ANDY smiles, like she has no idea what EMILY could mean. Suddenly, EMILY'S Blackberry goes off. She gasps. EMILY Oh my God. No. No, no, no. ANDY What's wrong? 11 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 11 A black sedan pulls to a sudden stop outside the building. 12 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN - DAY 12 EMILY begins rapid-fire dialing four digit extensions. (CONTINUED) 5. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 12 CONTINUED: 12 EMILY (all but screaming) She's on her way -- tell everyone! Just then a dapper man of about 40 walks briskly by. NIGEL I thought she was coming in at 9. EMILY Her driver text-messaged. Her facialist ruptured a disk. God, these people! NIGEL turns and sees ANDY. Looks at EMILY. Who is that? EMILY (CONT'D) I can't even talk about it. No time to discuss. NIGEL calls down the hallway. NIGEL All right, everyone. Man your battle stations! (beat, bewildered) Did somebody eat an onion bagel? Behind him, ANDY tries not to look guilty. 13 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 13 The sedan door opens. We see only flashes of MIRANDA, what she's wearing, not the complete picture yet... ...Manolos, Chanel jacket, Van Cleef earrings... 14 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 14 ASSISTANTS frantically push clothing rails out of the way. EDITORS race into their office. ANDY peers in. One of the EDITORS changes from kitten heels to sky-high stilettos... ...another pulls on a body shaper under her dress... ...another hurriedly dumps the remains of her breakfast -- some cubes of cantaloupe -- into the trash... 6. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 15 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE LOBBY -- DAY 15 We watch MIRANDA walking through the lobby. We see PEOPLE react to her-- GUARDS, ASSISTANTS and SECRETARIES cower, DISTINGUISHED EXECUTIVES bow their heads in respectful greeting. MIRANDA maintains a high rate of speed towards the elevator. She gets in. The CLACKER inside immediately leaps out. CLACKER Sorry, Miranda. MIRANDA doesn't acknowledge her existence. 16 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 16 EMILY races to the kitchen (right near their bullpen). Gets a glass, reaches into the fridge, pours a Pellegrino. Races into MIRANDA'S office. Races back out. Grabs an armful of magazines and newspaper from her desk and runs back into MIRANDA'S office. 17 INT. RUNWAY - RECEPTION AREA -- DAY 17 ...MIRANDA steps out of the elevator and for the first time we see her head-on. MIRANDA'S look is so distinctive you can spot her a mile away. She is unlike any other beautiful woman, singularly MIRANDA. 18 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 18 EMILY types frantically into her computer, presses print, stands by the printer waiting, takes the paper out of the printer, puts it on a clipboard. Notices ANDY. EMILY Oh no. You're still here. Go. ANDY gets up. EMILY (CONT'D) No, stay. I don't want you walking past her. Just sit there and I'll pray she doesn't notice you marring the area. ANDY sits back down. (CONTINUED) 7. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 18 CONTINUED: 18 ANDY (to herself) Wow, this is like self-esteem camp. The rest of the office continues its hubbub... 19 INT. RUNWAY - HALLWAY -- DAY 19 ..until the moment MIRANDA enters the office from reception. Instantly, a quiet falls. Everyone looks calm and professional. Or fakes it. EMILY, phony smile on her face, trots down the hall to walk MIRANDA to her office. MIRANDA I don't understand why it's so difficult to confirm an appointment. EMILY I'm so sorry, Miranda. I did confirm last night, but-- MIRANDA The details of your incompetence do not interest me. MIRANDA gestures impatiently. EMILY hands her the clipboard. MIRANDA peruses it as they walk down the hall. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Tell Simone I'm not approving the girl she sent in for the Brazil layout. I wanted clean, athletic, and smiling not dirty, tired and paunchy... EMILY follows her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) RSVP yes to the Michael Kors party -- the car will drop me at 9:30 and wait until I leave at 9:45... Tell Natalie at Glorious Foods for the fortieth time -- no, I don't want the tortes filled with warm rhubarb compote. I want the chopped almonds. EMILY jots everything down. (CONTINUED) 8. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 19 CONTINUED: 19 MIRANDA (CONT'D) Call my ex-husband and remind him the Parent-Teacher conferences at Dalton are tonight. Then call my husband and tell him to meet me for dinner at that place I went with Massimo... EMILY Right. MIRANDA And tell Richard I saw the pictures of for the feature on female paramedics and they're all so unattractive. I don't understand. How hard is it to find a decent-looking paramedic?... Also, I need to see what Nigel has called in for Gwyneth's second cover try... MIRANDA stops at EMILY'S desk, takes off her coat, dumps it on EMILY'S desk, walks past ANDY, seeming not to notice her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Who is that? Damn. Did notice her. EMILY follows MIRANDA. 19A INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE 19A EMILY Nobody. Human resources sent her up about the assistant job and I was pre- interviewing her for you, but-- MIRANDA I'll do it. The last two you sent me were total disappointments. Send her in. 19B INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 19B EMILY walks out of MIRANDA'S office. Points at ANDY. EMILY She wants to see you.. Go go go.... And before ANDY walks in, EMILY takes ANDY'S hideous briefcase and chucks it under a desk. 9. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 20 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 20 ANDY walks in. MIRANDA'S office is chic, clean, walls lined with photos by Avedon, Penn, Testino and Meisel. We see large framed photo of MIRANDA, her husband STEPHEN and her twin GIRLS, CASSIDY and CAROLINE, in the Hamptons. The iced Pellegrino sits on a coaster on the desk. A pile of magazines is fanned out precisely on a table. MIRANDA Who are you? ANDY hands her resume to MIRANDA. MIRANDA ignores it. ANDY My name is Andy Sachs. I recently graduated from-- MIRANDA What are you doing here? ANDY I think I could do a good job as your assistant and-- MIRANDA gives her a look. ANDY (CONT'D) (fast, blurting) I came to New York to be a journalist and I sent letters to everyone and I finally got a call from Elias-Clarke and met with Sherry in Human Resources and basically it's this or Auto Universe. ANDY stops, can't quite believe she said that. MIRANDA takes in this burst of honesty. MIRANDA So you don't read Runway? ANDY No. MIRANDA And before today, you had never heard of me? (CONTINUED) 10. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 20 CONTINUED: 20 ANDY No. MIRANDA And you have no style or sense of fashion. ANDY That depends on-- MIRANDA That wasn't a question. ANDY I was Editor in Chief of the Daily Northwestern. I won a national competition for college journalists with a series on the janitor's union -- MIRANDA holds up her hand. MIRANDA That's all. ANDY, startled by the abruptness, keeps talking. ANDY --that uncovered the exploitation of-- MIRANDA stares. ANDY abruptly stops talking. Heads for the door. Then she stops and turns. ANDY (CONT'D) Okay, you're right. I don't fit in here. I'm not glamorous or skinny and I don't know much about fashion. But I'm smart, I learn fast and I will work very hard. And... MIRANDA says nothing. Just then we hear a voice, someone heading into MIRANDA'S office. NIGEL We got the exclusive on the yellow Cavalli for Gwyneth, the one he showed with a huge feathered headpiece, but she'll look like she's working the mainstage at the Golden Nugget, so instead... NIGEL stops when he sees ANDY. (CONTINUED) 11. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 20 CONTINUED: (2) 20 ANDY (to MIRANDA) Thank you for your time. She summons all her dignity and exits, walking past NIGEL, who looks at MIRANDA. NIGEL Who IS that sad little person? Are we doing a Before and After piece I don't know about? 21 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE LOBBY -- DAY 21 ANDY staggers out of the elevator, catching her breath. Suddenly she hears someone calling. EMILY Andrea! ANDY turns. And sees EMILY. 22 INT. NATE'S RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 22 Nothing fancy. The kind of place that refills your Sprite. ANDY is with two of her friends, DOUG and LILY. DOUG is built like a linebacker and very sweet. And her boyfriend, NATE, great looking, no vanity. He's the kind of guy who had his own radio show in college and played intramural rugby. It's the end of NATE'S shift and he's wearing his kitchen whites. There are just a few people left in the restaurant and at the bar. NATE Wow. You got a job at a fashion magazine. (beat) Was it a phone interview? ANDY laughs, smacks him playfully. ANDY Don't be a jerk. DOUG Miranda Priestly is famous for being unpredictable. (CONTINUED) 12. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 22 CONTINUED: 22 ANDY Okay, how is it that you know who she is and I didn't? DOUG I'm actually a girl. LILY That would explain so much. DOUG Seriously, Miranda is a huge deal. I bet a million girls would kill for that job. ANDY Yeah, it's just that I'm not one of them. LILY You have to start somewhere. Look at this dump Nate works in. Paper napkins? Hello? NATE (doesn't miss a beat) And Lily works at that gallery doing-- (to LILY) What the hell is it that you do? DOUG Lucky for me, I have my dream job. NATE (huh?) You're a corporate research analyst. DOUG -- which totally rocks. The free bagels on Thursday? The booze? The whores? They look at him. DOUG (CONT'D) You're right. There are no bagels. And only a few whores. 23 EXT. NATE'S RESTAURANT - STREET -- NIGHT 23 The pavement is shiny from a recent rain. It's a chilly night in March. ANDY and NATE walk home. (CONTINUED) 13. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 23 CONTINUED: 23 ANDY You should see the way the girls dress at Runway. I'm not sure I have anything to wear to work. NATE You're going to be answering phones and getting coffee. You need a ballgown for that? ANDY I think I might. NATE I think you look great. Always. She smiles. He pulls her in... ANDY You are so full of it. He laughs, and kisses her. NATE Come on. Let's go home. I can think of something you can do without clothes. Just then a Lincoln Town Car comes barrelling up the street going way too fast, almost clipping them. NATE (CONT'D) Asshole! He and ANDY give the car the finger, laughing. 24 INT. ANDY AND NATE'S APARTMENT -- DAWN 24 Small, with a view of an air shaft. The bed's a futon. On the floor. ANDY and NATE are asleep. Dim light trickles in. NATE wakes up, pulls ANDY closer. Soon they're kissing. Their kisses become more urgent... ANDY'S cell phone rings, shrill, annoyingly upbeat. She feels around, finding the phone. ANDY Hello? Now? She looks over at the alarm clock which reads: 6:15 AM. 14. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 25 INT. RUNWAY -- DAWN 25 EMILY is in the office. EMILY Miranda decided to kill the Autumn Jacket story for September -- she's pulling up the Sedona shoot from October. You need to go into the office right this second. Pick up her coffee order on the way. Write this down. 26 OMITTED 26 27 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT -- MORNING 27 ANDY has tried on every bit of clothing she owns; there's a huge discard pile on the floor. Her closet is empty. She looks at her outfit in the mirror. And is promptly overcome by a wave of self-hatred. No time to fix it. 28 OMITTED 28 29 EXT. STARBUCKS -- DAY 29 ANDY, carrying a Starbucks tray loaded with coffee drinks and snacks, races up the street, sloshing coffee on her shoes. Her phone rings. EMILY Where are you? ANDY I'm almost there. She runs faster. 30 INT. RUNWAY - RECEPTION -- DAY 30 ANDY steps out of one elevator as NIGEL exits the other. A beat. He realizes. NIGEL No... ANDY Yes. She gave me the job. (CONTINUED) 15. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 30 CONTINUED: 30 NIGEL Clearly my opinion means nothing. (extends his hand) Nigel Kipling. Fashion Director. Let's see what we're working with. (examining her outfit) Wow. It's like Oklahoma and New Jersey had a baby out of wedlock. ANDY Actually, I'm from Cincinnati. NIGEL No, it's not possible. Not you. As ANDY heads off down the hall... NIGEL(CONT'D) Welcome to the dollhouse, Baby. 31 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 31 MIRANDA is standing by the door to her office as LUCIA, a beautiful Brazilian woman who is one of the Senior Editors, walks in with a couple of FASHION ASSISTANTS. MIRANDA Is there a reason my coffee is not here? Was I unclear in some way? EMILY looks panicked. 32 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 32 ANDY races down the hall, carrying the coffee to the bullpen. Before ANDY can even say hello-- EMILY I hope you know this is a very difficult job for which you are totally wrong and if you mess up MY head is on the chopping block. EMILY takes the coffee, brings it into MIRANDA'S office, walks back out to her desk. EMILY (CONT'D) Okay, first of all, you and I answer the phones. The phone MUST be answered every single time it rings. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 16. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 32 CONTINUED: 32 EMILY (CONT'D) Phones roll to voicemail, she gets very upset. If I'm not here, you are chained to this desk. ANDY What if the building's on fire or my appendix explodes or something? EMILY One time an assistant left the desk because she sliced her hand open with a letter opener. Miranda missed Lagerfeld right before he boarded a 17 hour flight to Australia. She now works at TV Guide. ANDY Man the desk at all times. Got it. The phone RINGS. EMILY picks it up. EMILY Miranda Priestly's office. She's not available. I'll tell her you called. Yet again. (back to ANDY) Remember, you and I have totally different jobs. You run errands, you get coffee, etcetera. I am in charge of her schedule, her expenses, her appointments. And, most importantly... (big drumroll, she beams) I get to go with her to Paris for Fashion Week in the fall. EMILY points to her Arc de Triomphe screensaver. EMILY (CONT'D) (giddy) I get to wear couture, go to all the shows, all the parties, meet all the designers. It's divine. (sighs happily, then, abruptly) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 17. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 32 CONTINUED: (2) 32 EMILY (CONT'D) Okay, stay here. I'm going to the art department to give them the Book. EMILY shows ANDY a thick scrapbook. EMILY (CONT'D) The Book is a mock-up of everything in the current issue. We deliver it to Miranda's apartment every night and she returns it in the morning with her notes. The second assistant is supposed to do it, but Miranda is very private and doesn't like strangers going to her house. So until she decides you're not a psycho, I get the lovely task of waiting around for the Book. ANDY How do I prove I'm not a psycho? EMILY I have no idea. And with that, EMILY pivots and walks away. ANDY looks around, unsure. ANDY Wait. What do I do if-- EMILY keeps walking. And sure enough, the phone rings. ANDY looks at it. ANDY (CONT'D) Oh no. (takes a breath, picks up) Mrs. Priestly's office. (beat, wincing) That's what I meant. Miranda Priestly's office. She searches around for a pen. ANDY (CONT'D) She's in a meeting. Can I take message? I'm sorry. Can you spell Gabbana-- (they hang up) Guess not. She hangs up. Takes a breath. Okay. Got through one call. (CONTINUED) 17A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 32 CONTINUED: (3) 32 Just then JOCELYN, the attractively tomboyish accessories editor, walks out of MIRANDA'S office. JOCELYN Run-through at 3, shoot 8 am tomorrow. Of course. No problem. JOCELYN glares at ANDY. JOCELYN (CONT'D) Who the hell does she think I am, Houdini? ANDY Hi, I'm Andy, I'm the new-- JOCELYN Great. Fantastic. If you'll excuse me, I gotta go pull a bunch of fringe purses out of my ass. (CONTINUED) 18. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 32 CONTINUED: (4) 32 ANDY turns and sees NIGEL walking down the hall carrying a pair of stunning Dolce slingbacks. He holds out the shoes. NIGEL I guessed 8 1/2. ANDY That's very nice of you, but I don't need those. Miranda hired me. She knows what I look like. NIGEL Do you? MIRANDA Emily! We hear MIRANDA clearly. She's not yelling. She never yells. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Emily! NIGEL She means you. (nudges her) Go. ANDY takes a deep breath. 33 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE 33 ANDY appears in the door. MIRANDA is talking to PAUL, the art director, who is showing her a layout. MIRANDA It's too dark. I can't see any of the clothes... PAUL ...I think he intended to use shadow to show the contours of the... MIRANDA And what is this? I want the title of the layout to bleed over the left side of the photo... PAUL I see, well, we needed room for the typeface to pick up the lines of the dress, which is cut on the bias, so we... (CONTINUED) 18A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 33 CONTINUED: 33 MIRANDA No, no, no. That's not what I want. I made that abundantly clear... MIRANDA looks up and sees ANDY. MIRANDA (CONT'D) There you are, Emily. How many times do I have to scream your name? ANDY Actually, it's Andy. MIRANDA gives ANDY a look. And ANDY notices she's brought the room to a screeching halt. ANDY (CONT'D) My name is Andy. Andrea, but people call me Andy. (CONTINUED) 19. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 33 CONTINUED: (2) 33 MIRANDA What a fantastic story. So entertaining and full of useful information. MIRANDA looks at her. And smiles. Terrifying. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I need ten or fifteen skirts from Calvin Klein... ANDY What kind of-- MIRANDA Please bore someone else with your questions. Make sure we can get Pier 59 at 8 am tomorrow... Remind Jocelyn I want to see a few of those satchels Marc is doing in the pony... And tell Simone I'll take Frankie if Maggie is not available tomorrow... And did Demarchelier confirm? ANDY Demar-- MIRANDA Get him on the phone. As ANDY leaves -- MIRANDA (CONT'D) And Emily. ANDY turns. ANDY Yes? And MIRANDA doesn't say anything. Just looks at ANDY'S shoes. Then back up at ANDY. Her message unmistakable. 34 INT. RUNWAY OFFICE - BULLPEN -- DAY 34 ANDY flies out of MIRANDA'S office, races over to the desk, pulls on the Dolces. MIRANDA immediately calls out... MIRANDA Do you have Demarchelier? (CONTINUED) 20. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 34 CONTINUED: 34 ANDY tries to look the name up in the address book on the computer. ANDY Demarchelier... Demarchelier... Just then EMILY appears behind ANDY. She dials the phone. EMILY I have Miranda Priestly calling. (calls out) I have Patrick. She flips the call to MIRANDA. Then turns to ANDY, who's slightly panicked. ANDY She called me in and asked me about Pier 59. She said something about Simone and Frankie and someone else. And she needs skirts from Calvin Klein. I think that's the most important thing, but I couldn't tell. Oh, and there was something about a pony. EMILY Did she say which skirts? (ANDY shakes her head No) Did she say what kind? (No.) Color? Shape? Fabric? (No. No. No.) ANDY I tried to ask her, but-- EMILY You never ask Miranda. Anything. (sighs) All right, I'll take care of the other stuff. You go to Calvin Klein. ANDY Me? EMILY I'm sorry. Do you have a prior commitment? Is there some hideous pants convention? (CONTINUED) 21. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 34 CONTINUED: (2) 34 ANDY So I just, what, go down to the Calvin Klein store and ask them-- EMILY rolls her eyes so hard they almost eject from her head. EMILY You're not going to the store. ANDY Of course not. I'm going... to his house. EMILY (oh god why me?) You are catching on quickly. We always send assistants to a designer's home on their very first day. You're going to his showroom. I'll give you the address. ANDY Sorry. Got it. What's the nearest subway stop? EMILY Good God. You do not. Under any circumstances. Take public transportation. On ANDY. I don't? 35 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 35 ANDY steps out. Sees a Black Lincoln Town Car. She smiles. 36 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE/INT. TOWN CAR -- DAY 36 ANDY rides uptown. She looks around -- the magazines, the tiny bottles of water, the little dishes of candy. The driver, ROY, looks at her in the mirror. ROY Miranda's new assistant. Congrats. ANDY Thanks. ANDY takes some candy. (CONTINUED) 22. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 36 CONTINUED: 36 ROY You know-- ANDY You're going to say a million girls would kill for my job. ROY Actually, I was going to say those Jelly Beans are seven years old. ANDY puts the candy back. 37 EXT. CALVIN KLEIN SHOWROOM -- DAY 37 ANDY looks up at the showroom. Her phone rings again. MIRANDA (O.S.) Are you there? ANDY I'm about to walk in. I'll call you as soon as-- Click. Her phone immediately rings again. EMILY (O.S.) While you're out... Miranda needs you to go to Hermes and pick up twenty five scarves we ordered for her. Cassidy forgot her homework at Dalton, pick that up. And Miranda went out to meet with Meisel, she'll want more Starbucks when she gets back. Click. 38 INT. CALVIN KLEIN SHOWROOM -- DAY 38 LIZ, the sales rep, brings out a rack of skirts for ANDY. LIZ You must be new. Congratulations. People would KILL for your job. I would. I love Miranda. She's such an icon. I've dealt with her a couple times, but I'm sure she doesn't remember. Just then ANDY'S phone rings. (CONTINUED) 23. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 38 CONTINUED: 38 MIRANDA (O.S.) What do they have? ANDY looks at the rack, searching for the right terminology. ANDY There's a um, variety of skirts. Let's see... LIZ mouths "Is that her?" ANDY nods. LIZ smiles. MIRANDA (O.S.) Who's there? Who are you dealing with? ANDY I'm sorry. What's your name? LIZ Liz. ANDY It's Liz. MIRANDA (O.S.) Get away from her. She is useless and unattractive. Ask for Ivan, tell him we're doing a reshoot tomorrow and need at least ten skirts. Click. ANDY looks at LIZ. LIZ (eager) What did she say? ANDY (wincing) Is Ivan in by any chance? LIZ (crushed) I'll get him. 39 & 40 OMITTED 39 & 40 41 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 41 ANDY walks in, laden with stuff and more coffee and snacks. EMILY springs up. (CONTINUED) 24. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 41 CONTINUED: 41 EMILY Oh my God. What took you so long? I have to pee. ANDY You haven't peed since I left? Just then MIRANDA walks through, dumps her coat on ANDY'S desk and walks into her office. EMILY You do the coat. She points to the closet. ANDY quickly hangs up the coat. EMILY (CONT'D) Now, be prepared. The run-through is at 12:30 and people are panicking, so the phone is going to be ringing off the hook. ANDY The run-through. Right. Clearly, she has no idea what a run-through is. EMILY (exasperated) The editors bring in options for a shoot and Miranda chooses. She chooses every single thing in every single issue. Run-throughs are a huge deal. And indeed ANDY can see EDITORS running in and out of their offices, rack of clothes and accessories flying. ANDY Is it always like this? EMILY No. Sometimes it's busy. Just then the tallest, thinnest and most intimidating CLACKER, the severely dressed, highly snobby SERENA, walks over. EMILY (CONT'D) After the loo, Serena and I are going to lunch. (to SERENA, re: ANDY) This is her. The new me. (CONTINUED) 24A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 41 CONTINUED: (2) 41 SERENA eyes ANDY with disbelief. EMILY (CONT'D) I told you. SERENA I thought you were kidding. EMILY Oh, no. I was quite serious. EMILY turns to ANDY. EMILY (CONT'D) I get twenty minutes for lunch, you get fifteen. When I come back, you can go. As ANDY watches EMILY and SERENA'S thin hips as they move down the hall, talking about how absurd ANDY looks. (CONTINUED) 25. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 41 CONTINUED: (3) 41 ANDY You eat lunch? 42 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE CAFETERIA -- DAY 42 A pasta bar. Deserted. A pizza station. Not a soul. A salad bar. Girls crowd the lettuce area, though no one's within a mile of the dressing region. ANDY races over to the deserted soup station. Quickly ladles some corn chowder into a bowl. NIGEL walks by with his tray. NIGEL Corn chowder. Interesting choice. ANDY looks at him, confused. NIGEL (CONT'D) You do know that cellulite is one of the ingredients of corn chowder. They walk over to the register, which has a long line. A few GIRLS are openly gaping, amazed that ANDY selected chowder. ANDY None of the girls here eat anything? NIGEL Not since 2 became the new 4 and 0 became the new 2. ANDY I'm a 6. NIGEL Which is the new 14. ANDY dips a piece of bread in her chowder, eats it. Seeing this, two of the CLACKERS gasp in horror... Then ANDY notices she's dripped on her blouse. She dabs it. NIGEL (CONT'D) Something tells me you've got more polyblend where that came from. ANDY Okay. You think my clothes are hideous. I get it, okay? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 26. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 42 CONTINUED: 42 ANDY (CONT'D) But I'm not going to be working in fashion forever. I don't see any reason to change everything about myself because I have this job. NIGEL You're right. That's what this multi- million dollar industry is all about. Inner beauty. Just then NIGEL'S phone rings. He picks up, listens. NIGEL (CONT'D) Miranda wants us upstairs. Chairman's on his way down to her office. CLOSE ON... ANDY'S corn chowder and NIGEL'S salad being chucked in the garbage. 43 INT. ELIAS-CLARKE - ELEVATOR -- DAY 43 ANDY and NIGEL get in. IRV RAVITZ is already riding up. NIGEL nods, deferential. NIGEL Mr. Ravitz. IRV Nigel. Issue going well? NIGEL Our biggest September ever. IRV Great. I heard Miranda killed Autumn Jackets and pulled up the Sedona shoot. What's that costing me? NIGEL About 300,000. IRV (smiles) Must have been some lousy Jackets. But I'm sure she knows what she's doing. NIGEL Always. IRV glances over at ANDY, offers his hand. (CONTINUED) 26A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 43 CONTINUED: 43 IRV Irv Ravitz. NIGEL I'm sorry... this is Andy Sachs, Miranda's new assistant. IRV Congratulations, young lady. A million girls would kill for that job. The elevator opens. IRV nods to NIGEL and exits. NIGEL (to ANDY) Chairman of Elias Clarke. You know what they say, tiny man, huge ego. (checks his watch) We should have taken the stairs. 43A OMITTED 43A 43B OMITTED 43B 27. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 44 OMITTED 44 45 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 45 Accessories are spread out on the floor in basket trays. Clothes are on racks. MIRANDA clicks through the racks. MIRANDA No... No... No... I swear I don't understand why it's so difficult for you to pull together a decent run- through. You had hours to prepare... (continues clicking) Where are all the advertisers? LUCIA We have some pieces from Banana Republic and-- (CONTINUED) 28. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 45 CONTINUED: 45 MIRANDA We need more. MIRANDA holds up a skirt. Shows it to Nigel. MIRANDA (CONT'D) What do you think? NIGEL You know me. A full ballerina skirt with a hint of saloon and I'm on board. MIRANDA Is it too much like the-- NIGEL --LaCroix from July? I thought of that, but with the right accessories, it could work... MIRANDA nods. He's right of course. MIRANDA Where are the belts for this skirt? JOCELYN races over and holds up two belts. MIRANDA studies them. ANDY looks at them too. To us, and to her, they look exactly the same. JOCELYN Tough call. They're so different. ANDY lets out a little giggle. And it's like she set off a grenade. Slowly everyone turns to her. MIRANDA Is something funny? ANDY No, no, no. It's just... And MIRANDA says nothing. ANDY twists in the wind. ANDY (CONT'D) It's just that both of those belts look the same to me. I'm still learning about this stuff, so-- And the silence is deafening. Everyone looks to see what MIRANDA will do. (CONTINUED) 28A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 45 CONTINUED: (2) 45 MIRANDA This... stuff? Okay. I understand. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and select, say, that lumpy blue sweater because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what's on your body. What you don't know is that your sweater is not blue. It's not even sky blue. It's cerulean. You also don't know that in 2002, De La Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns, Yves St. Laurent showed a cerulean military jacket, Dolce did skirts with cerulean beads, and in our September issue we did the definitive layout on the color. Cerulean quickly appeared in eight other major collections, then the secondary and department store lines and then trickled down to some lovely Casual Corner, where you no doubt stumbled on it. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 29. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 45 CONTINUED: (3) 45 MIRANDA (CONT'D) That color is worth millions of dollars and many jobs. And here you are, thinking you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry. In truth, you are wearing a sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of stuff. She smiles at ANDY. Who quakes. MIRANDA (CONT'D) That's all. 46 INT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT 46 ON ANDY at home, pacing. She changes out of her work clothes into sweats while NATE makes her what looks to be the tastiest grilled cheese in history. ANDY You should have seen the look she gave me. I thought the flesh was going to melt off her face. NATE laughs. ANDY (CONT'D) It's not funny. She could be the most horrendous person I've ever met. She's not happy unless everyone around her is panicked, nauseous or suicidal. And all the Clackers just WORSHIP her... (off his confused look) They call them Clackers. Their stilettos in the marble lobby... clack, clack, clack... She pulls an ancient Northwestern sweatshirt over her head. She starts eating the grilled cheese, gesturing angrily with it as she talks. ANDY (CONT'D) And they all act like they're curing cancer or something. The amount of time and energy they spend on things that DON'T MATTER!!! Poring over these minute details. And for what? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 30. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 46 CONTINUED: 46 ANDY (CONT'D) So tomorrow they can spend an extra 300,000 dollars reshooting something that was probably fine to begin with? To sell people things they don't need? She puts down the sandwich. ANDY (CONT'D) God, I'm not even hungry anymore. Maybe that's why everyone there is so skinny. NATE Gimme that. There's about eight dollars worth of Jarlsberg in there. He takes the sandwich, takes a bite. ANDY I just have to stick it out for one year. Then I can do what I came to New York to do. I can't let Miranda get to me. I won't. NATE Easy, Killer. ANDY And give me that sandwich. NATE Oh, no way. It's mine now. She grabs it away from him. He chases her, trying to get it back. MUSIC UP. THE WORK MONTAGE. 47 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 47 MIRANDA walks past ANDY. ANDY puts her best face on. ANDY Good morning, Miranda! Thwack! Miranda's coat lands on Andy's desk. MIRANDA Get me Isaac. We see ANDY look through the computerized address book, find the number. Thwack! Another coat lands on ANDY'S desk. 31. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 47A INT RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE 47A IN HER OFFICE. MIRANDA pushes her plate of scrambled eggs across the desk. MIRANDA These eggs are frigid. 47B EXT. DINER STREET -- DAY 47B CUT TO: ANDY runs out of the diner, sprinting, holding MIRANDA'S eggs. 47C INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47C Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA Pick up the Polaroids from the swimwear shoot. 47D INT. STUDIO -- DAY 47D ANDY opens the door onto in a narrow room filled with semi- naked women changing into bikinis. Someone points ANDY towards the STYLIST... on the other side. She picks her way across, trying not to stare and, in an effort to avoid brushing against a body part, she veers into a rack of clothing, sending it clattering into the wall. 47E INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47E Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA The brakes in my car are making a weird noise. Take it in. 47F EXT. STREET -- DAY 47F CUT TO: ANDY, driving a Porsche up the street, brakes squealing. She's terrified. 47FA INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47FA Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA We need the hat from the finale of the Zac Posen show. 32. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 47FB EXT. BRYANT PARK -- DAY 47FB We see ANDY carrying the "hat" -- a funny, over-the-top concoction (at least 30 inches tall, perhaps with a taxidermied bird in it or something such...). People stare. 47G INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47G Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA The girls need new boogieboards for spring break. 47H INT. -- DAY 47H ANDY walking down the street with two custom-painted boogie boards under her arm. ANDY'S phone rings. She picks up. EMILY (V.O.) They also need flip flops. ANDY does a 180 with the boogie boards, almost decking some people. 47I INT. RUNWAY BULLPEN -- DAY 47I Thwack! Another coat. MIRANDA Pick up my shoes from Manolo. 47J EXT. STREET -- DAY 47J CUT TO: ANDY carrying a huge Manolo bag filled with shoe boxes... 47K INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 47K MIRANDA ...and while you're out, get Patricia. 47L EXT. STREET -- DAY 47L Widen out to reveal she's not only carrying the luggage, she's also fighting Patricia, a St. Bernard on a leash. 47M INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN 47M Thwack! Another coat! Thwack! Another coat! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! 32A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 48 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 48 ANDY is at her desk, exhausted, head in hands. MIRANDA Get me Isaac! (CONTINUED) 33. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 48 CONTINUED: 48 And this time, without consulting the Rolodex or even lifting her head much, ANDY dials the number by heart. ANDY I have Isaac. Widen out to see EMILY. A beat. ANDY (CONT'D) Wow. Thank God it's Friday, huh? EMILY ignores her, busy assembling a stack of lookbooks to return to the Art Department. ANDY (CONT'D) My Dad's coming in from Ohio this weekend. We're having dinner tonight. Then we're seeing "Chicago"... EMILY says nothing. ANDY (CONT'D) You doing anything fun this weekend? EMILY Yes. EMILY walks away. 49 EXT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- EVENING 49 We see ANDY'S dad, RICHARD, distinguished, if a few pounds overweight, is ringing the doorbell to ANDY'S apartment. ANDY calls down. ANDY Dad! I'll be right down! 50 INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 50 ANDY and her DAD are at an upscale, quiet restaurant. He hands her an envelope. RICHARD Here. Don't want you to get behind in your rent. ANDY How did you-- (realizes) I'm gonna kill Mom. Thank you. (CONTINUED) 34. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 50 CONTINUED: 50 She tucks it in her purse. They smile at each other. ANDY (CONT'D) It's so good to see you. You want to start grilling me now or should we wait until after dinner? RICHARD (grins) Thought I'd let you at least enjoy the bread basket first. ANDY (smiles) Oh, just go ahead. RICHARD We're just a little worried. We get emails from you at your office at 2 am, your pay is terrible, you don't get to write anything... ANDY (still trying to keep it light) Hey. Not fair. I wrote those e- mails. RICHARD I'm just trying to understand why someone who was accepted to Stanford Law turns that down to be a journalist and now you're not even doing that-- ANDY Oh please. Not this again. RICHARD Why did you even bother applying to law school? ANDY Because it's what you wanted. This is what I want. RICHARD This? Being a secretary? ANDY I'm an executive assistant. (CONTINUED) 35. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 50 CONTINUED: (2) 50 RICHARD You hang coats, you go to Starbucks, you're a secretary, Andy. ANDY You have to trust me. Being Miranda's assistant opens a lot of doors. Emily is going to Paris with Miranda in a few months, she'll meet editors and writers from every important magazine. But RICHARD still looks dubious. ANDY (CONT'D) Dad, I swear. This is my break. This is my chance. This is my-- Just then the cell phone rings. ANDY looks down at it. ANDY (CONT'D) -boss. RICHARD looks at her. ANDY (CONT'D) I have to get it. ANDY picks up her cell phone. 51 INT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT -- NIGHT 51 MIRANDA is surrounded by crowds heading home for the weekend. MIRANDA My flight is cancelled... Some absurd weather problem. She starts moving through the airport. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I have to get home. Tonight. The twins have a recital at school tomorrow morning. 52 INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 52 RICHARD looks at ANDY. ANDY Absolutely, Miranda. Let me see what I can do. (CONTINUED) 36. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 52 CONTINUED: 52 She hangs up, looks at RICHARD. ANDY (CONT'D) (apologetic) I'm so sorry, Dad. I have to deal with this. 53 EXT. STREET -- NIGHT 53 QUICK CUTS of ANDY on the cell phone as she and RICHARD walk through Times Square. ANDY I need a jet from Miami to New York... (jump cut) A jet, any kind of jet... (jump cut) Yes, tonight, right now. (jump cut) From Miami to New York. (jump cut) As soon as possible. Please call me back as soon as the situation changes. (jump cut) I'm trying, Miranda. No one is flying out because of the weather. Throughout, ANDY gestures to her Dad... I'm sorry. This will just take a second. 54 INT. MIAMI INT'L AIRPORT -- NIGHT 54 MIRANDA looks out the window at the squall. MIRANDA Please. It's just drizzling. Someone must be getting out. Call Donatella and get her jet. Call everyone with a jet -- Irv, Armani... ANDY (O.S.) But-- And MIRANDA hangs up. 55 EXT. THEATER -- NIGHT 55 A few minutes later. ANDY stands there, clutching her phone, thinking... RICHARD Andy, come on. Let's go in. (CONTINUED) 37. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 55 CONTINUED: 55 ANDY I've done everything I could think of. I don't know what else to do. ANDY's phone rings again. RICHARD looks at her. ANDY (CONT'D) I'm sorry, Dad. (she picks up) Miranda, you don't understand. Even if I get you a plane, they won't let you take off tonight and-- MIRANDA Emily. Stop making excuses. GET ME HOME. She hangs up. ANDY Oh my God. She is going to murder me. RICHARD Would it help if I talked to her? 56 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 56 ANDY stands in front of MIRANDA'S desk, cowed. MIRANDA The girls' recital was wonderful. They played Rachmaninoff and everyone loved it. Except for me... because I was not there. ANDY I'm so sorry, Miranda. MIRANDA turns away from the window to look at ANDY. MIRANDA Do you know why I hired you? ANDY shakes her head. MIRANDA turns to face her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I always hire the same girl, stylish, slender, worships the magazine. And often they turn out to be disappointing and stupid. ANDY blanches. (CONTINUED) 38. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 56 CONTINUED: 56 MIRANDA (CONT'D) But you, with your fancy resume and your big speech about your so-called work ethic-- I thought you would be different. I thought, go ahead, take a chance, hire the smart, fat girl. ANDY'S eyes widen (she's not even remotely fat, of course.) MIRANDA (CONT'D) I had hope. I always have hope. But you're as disappointing as anyone else. ANDY I did everything I could think of-- MIRANDA That's all. And she goes back to her work. ANDY stands there a second, then leaves. And we see her eyes start to well. 57 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 57 ANDY comes out of the office, biting back tears. She immediately starts running down the hall. EMILY Excuse me, where do you think you-- ANDY keeps running. 58 INT. RUNWAY - NIGEL'S OFFICE -- DAY 58 ANDY walks in, very upset. NIGEL looks up, surprised. ANDY She hates me, Nigel. NIGEL And that's my problem because -- wait, no. Not my problem. ANDY I need your help. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm completely beneath her contempt. NIGEL So quit. (CONTINUED) 38A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 58 CONTINUED: 58 She looks at him. What? NIGEL (CONT'D) We could replace you in five minutes. With someone who really wants this job. ANDY That's not fair. I'm lucky to be working for Miranda -- I didn't get that at first, but I do now. I want to be here. But it just seems like no matter how hard I try, I don't do anything right. (CONTINUED) 39. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 58 CONTINUED: (2) 58 NIGEL Andy, please. Be serious. You're not trying. You're whining. She looks shocked. NIGEL (CONT'D) You want me to say poor you, Miranda is picking on you? She's just doing her job. Wake up, Six. You're working at the place that first published some of the major artists of the century -- Halston, De La Renta, Lagerfeld. And what they made is cooler than art, because you live your life in it -- I mean, not you, but some people. This is not just a magazine. It's a shining beacon of hope for, oh, I don't know, say a young boy growing up in Rhode Island with six brothers, pretending to go to soccer practice when he was actually at sewing class and reading Runway at night under the covers with a flashlight. He picks up steam as he talks. NIGEL (CONT'D) You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls and what's worse, you don't care. Because this is a "stepping stone" for you. This place, that people would die to work, you deign to work. And you want to know why she doesn't give you a kiss on the forehead and put a gold star on your homework? ANDY Okay, fine! He looks at her. ANDY (CONT'D) You're right. I'm screwing this up. And I know this could be a big break for me. I'm going to try harder, I promise. But there's one thing I can't do by myself. She looks at him. He realizes what she's asking. (CONTINUED) 40. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 58 CONTINUED: (3) 58 NIGEL Oh, no. No way... ANDY You do it with the other girls. NIGEL The other girls are different. They really want it. ANDY Please, Nigel. Don't make me beg... He looks at her, thinking... 59 INT. RUNWAY - CLOSET -- DAY 59 NIGEL swings open the door to... ...a large room piled high with shoes, bags, clothes, furs, jewelry. ANDY follows, looking around at everything. NIGEL I don't know what you expect me to do. These are all sample sizes -- 2 and 4. He thinks, hands her an item. ANDY A... poncho? NIGEL You'll take what I give you and you'll like it. He looks around, assessing everything with a practiced eye. Then he starts flings clothing at ANDY. NIGEL (CONT'D) Versace peasant skirt -- we can pull it up, belt it, make it a dress... Miu Miu boyfriend cardigan... Alberta Ferretti dress -- smocked, very forgiving. And let's find you some Chanel. You're in desperate need of Chanel. As she catches the clothing. (CONTINUED) 41. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 59 CONTINUED: 59 NIGEL (CONT'D) Don't just stand there. We have to get you to the beauty department too. And God knows how long that will take. 60 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 60 EMILY is talking to SERENA. EMILY I have no idea why Miranda hired her. SERENA Me, neither. The other day we were in the Beauty Department and she held up the Shu Uemura eyelash curler and said "What is this?" They laugh at the total absurdity of this. EMILY I knew from the moment I saw her that she was a complete and utter-- And suddenly ANDY appears in her gorgeous clothes, her make- up impeccable, hair soft, loose and pretty. She looks grown-up, sexy and above all sophisticated. EMILY (CONT'D) (voice trailing) --disaster. ANDY sits down at her desk, pretends she didn't hear her. EMILY is still staring. ANDY'S phone rings. ANDY Miranda Priestly's office. She's not in. I'll leave word. She hangs up. EMILY is still gaping. ANDY (CONT'D) (in EMILY'S posh accent) Can I help you, luv? 61 EXT. NATE'S RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 61 ANDY waits for NATE outside his restaurant in the alley. He walk out, bantering with a couple other cooks. He starts to walk away, going... (CONTINUED) 41A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 61 CONTINUED: 61 ...right past ANDY. Stops. Walks back a few steps. He looks her up and down, stunned. ANDY What do you think? NATE I think we better get out of here before my girlfriend sees me with you. She smiles, grabs his hand and walks him down the alley. To where her town car is waiting. (CONTINUED) 42. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 61 CONTINUED: (2) 61 ANDY Wanna lift, stranger? MUSIC UP. THE MAKEOVER MONTAGE. 62 EXT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- DAY 62 We see ANDY exit her apartment, wearing a fabulous outfit... she walks behind a newsstand, emerging from the other side... in a completely different fabulous outfit... 62A&B EXT. SUBWAY -- DAY 62A&B She goes into the subway, then comes out of the subway in yet another great outfit... 62C&D EXT. STARBUCKS -- DAY 62C&D She enters Starbucks... emerges wearing another outfit, heads down the street... and walks behind a bus, emerging from the other side in one more fantastic outfit... 62E EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 62E Each outfit over the course of the montage improves on the one before... until we see ANDY walking in the plaza of Elias- Clarke, indistinguishable now from all the other CLACKERS. 62F INT. RUNWAY - RECEPTION - DAY 62F Andy walks through the reception area, walks behind a wall, and continues through the hallway in another fabulous outfit. 63 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE 63 ANDY enters. Sets a glass of Pellegrino down on the table. Just then MIRANDA enters, on the cell phone. MIRANDA The gowns are fabulous, Ralph. We're using the burgundy for the cover try and the lemon chiffon for the goddess story. And just then she looks up and sees ANDY. The transformed ANDY. And her reaction of approval is tiny, but it's there. Of course she keeps talking like she didn't notice a thing. 64 OMITTED 64 42A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 65 INT. BAR -- NIGHT 65 ANDY joins her friends and NATE. She plops an expensive, fancy Bang & Olufsen phone on the table. ANDY Bang & Olufsen. Charlie Rose sent it to Miranda for her birthday. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 43. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 65 CONTINUED: 65 ANDY (CONT'D) I looked it up online. It's 750 dollars. She doesn't want it, so Emily told me to keep it. Oprah sent a present. So did Jessica Simpson. And Nelson Mandela. NATE All for a woman who doesn't need anything. Perfect. She reaches into her bag, hands out perfume, cosmetics. Etc. ANDY Here... A bunch of Kiehl's, some Mason Pearson hair brushes... DOUG Dammit, I love your job. DOUG picks up one of the perfume bottles and is about to spray it on his hand when ANDY stops him. ANDY It's called "Pink". For women. DOUG Men can be pink. I have a pink side. LILY Please. We're eating. ANDY hands LILY a blue purse. LILY gasps. LILY (CONT'D) Where did you get this? This is the new Marc Jacobs, sold out everywhere. It's nineteen hundred dollars. I can't take this. But LILY'S already happily transferring her things from her old purse into the new one. ANDY Sure you can. NATE Why do women need so many bags? You get one, it holds all your junk, aren't you done? (CONTINUED) 44. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 65 CONTINUED: (2) 65 DOUG Fashion is not about utility, Nate. An accessory is merely a piece of iconography used to express individual identity. LILY And it's preeeetty. DOUG That too. ANDY Thing is, it turns out there's a lot more to Runway than fancy purses... you know who's coming into the office Friday? John Updike. NATE Why, does he need a sweater? They all laugh. ANDY plucks the current issue of Runway out of her purse. ANDY (a bit peeved) Look, there's a piece by Jay McInerney, an essay by Joan Didion, an interview with Christiane Amanpour oh... NATE Look who's drinking the KoolAid. She gives him a look. Just then ANDY'S cell phone rings. MIRANDA. NATE grabs it. ANDY Give me the phone. He checks the name on the phone. NATE Oh, look. The Dragon Lady. Of course. ANDY Give me the phone. ANDY grabs for the phone. NATE tosses it to LILY. (CONTINUED) 45. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 65 CONTINUED: (3) 65 LILY I'll talk to her. Tell her she needs to get her own scrambled eggs. She tosses it to DOUG. ANDY practically tackles him, grabs the phone away. ANDY Come on, guys. Give me the phone! They are all stunned by her vehemence. Including ANDY. ANDY (CONT'D) Hello, Miranda. (beat) Fine. No problem. I'm leaving right now. (hangs up) You guys didn't need to be such assholes. She exits. And all her friends exchange a look. 66 & 67 OMITTED 66 & 67 68 EXT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- NIGHT 68 ANDY pulls up in front of a loft building in Tribeca. 69 INT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- NIGHT 69 ANDY rings the buzzer. No answer but she can hear VOICES behind the door. She pushes it and it opens. Inside is a loft with a party going on. ANDY looks around -- it's one of those New York parties you think you'll never be invited to. She walks over to one of the super hot women. ANDY I'm looking for James Holt... She points to a handsome man by the window. JAMES HOLT, one of the top designers, 40's, muscular, tan, impeccable. ANDY walks over to him. ANDY (CONT'D) Hi, I'm Andy. I'm picking up for Miranda Priestly. (CONTINUED) 46. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 69 CONTINUED: 69 JAMES You must be the new Emily. Let me see. He checks her out. Looks at her handbag. JAMES (CONT'D) Open-woven leather, pieced by hand and finished with a suede trim. Who made this fantastic thing? ANDY You. JAMES Duh. He hands her a folio with a handle. JAMES (CONT'D) It's a sketch of Miranda's dress for the benefit, the centerpiece of my spring collection. Top secret stuff. ANDY takes the folio. ANDY I'll guard it with my life. JAMES Come on. You work for Miranda, you must be in desperate need of hard liquor. He walks her to the bar. She tries not to stare at the party GUESTS... is that Lenny Kravitz? Is that Julian Schnabel? JAMES (CONT'D) (to the BARTENDER) She'll have the punch. (hands her the punch) It's deadly. Have fun! And he walks away. ANDY clutches the glass of punch. CHRISTIAN He's right. I had the punch at James's last party, woke up in Hoboken wearing nothing but boxers and a cowboy hat. She looks over. Sees a great-looking, sophisticated man in his 30's who has an air of mischief. CHRISTIAN THOMPSON. (CONTINUED) 47. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 69 CONTINUED: (2) 69 ANDY Hi. I, um... I have to go. CHRISTIAN But you want to stay. You've never been to a party like this. ANDY God, I love it when total strangers tell me how I feel. CHRISTIAN That's my way. (extends his hand) Christian Thompson. ANDY Christian Thompson? You're kidding. You write for every magazine I love. I actually reviewed your collection of essays for my college paper. CHRISTIAN Did you mention my good looks and killer charm? ANDY No, but I did point out some factual errors and a penchant for confessional semi-fiction that borders on self-indulgent. CHRISTIAN You and the Times. (laughs) And what do you do? ANDY Well, I want to work somewhere like the New Yorker or Vanity Fair. I'm also a writer, but-- CHRISTIAN Is that right? I should read your stuff. Send it over. ANDY Thank you. That would be great. Anyway, for now I'm Miranda Priestly's assistant. And his expression immediately changes. (CONTINUED) 48. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 69 CONTINUED: (3) 69 CHRISTIAN You're kidding. Oh, that's too bad. You'll never survive Miranda. ANDY Excuse me? CHRISTIAN You're smart, you're nice, you have a point of view. You can't do that job. ANDY hands him her glass of punch. ANDY I have to go. She starts to leave. CHRISTIAN Let me guess. You have a boyfriend waiting. From... not high school... college? Nice-looking guy, devoted, about to ask you to move in with him, but you're not sure... She stares at him. Appalled. And, you know, intrigued. ANDY You. Are not a nice person. CHRISTIAN Nice to meet you, Miranda girl. He walks away. Steam practically pours out of her ears. ANDY For your information, he's really handsome. And we already live together! This doesn't cause him to turn around, though it does cause a few other people to stare. ANDY walks away, embarrassed. 70 EXT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT 70 ANDY'S walking back towards her and NATE'S apartment, holding the folio. She crosses paths with NATE. NATE You got the nuclear briefcase from the undisclosed location. I'm proud of you. (CONTINUED) 49. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 70 CONTINUED: 70 ANDY (surprised) Where are you going? NATE Doug and some of his banker buddies are playing Texas Hold `Em at his apartment. Gonna go get me some of that Wall Street cash. ANDY But I came back so we could hang out. NATE (lightly) Man, I'm sorry. You didn't make that crystal clear when you stormed off after calling me an asshole. ANDY Okay, look, I'm sorry about that-- He gives her a kiss. NATE I'll see you later, okay? Just then NATE'S cell phone rings. NATE picks up. NATE (CONT'D) Hello? (the way ANDY talks to MIRANDA) Sure, Doug! I'll get on it ASAP! A six- pack? No problem. Budweiser or Michelob? Chilled? Of course... ANDY looks at him, hand on hip as he walks away. Very funny. 71 OMITTED 71 72 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- LATER -- DAY 72 We see MIRANDA, studying the sketches JAMES sent over, spread out in the folio. MIRANDA Emily! ANDY walks into MIRANDA'S office. (CONTINUED) 50. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 72 CONTINUED: 72 MIRANDA (CONT'D) Call James Holt's office. Tell them I want to move the preview to today at 12:30. And tell everyone else. Be ready to leave in half an hour. 73 & 74 OMITTED 73 & 74 75 INT. RUNWAY - HALLWAY -- DAY 75 NIGEL looks surprised. NIGEL They're not expecting us until Tuesday. Did she say why? ANDY Yes, she explained every detail of her decision-making, then we brushed each other's hair and gabbed about American Idol. NIGEL I see your point. 76 EXT. STREET -- DAY 76 MIRANDA and ANDY ride along in heavy traffic. MIRANDA is tapping her foot, impatient. ANDY (O.S.) What's a preview, anyway? NIGEL (O.S.) Miranda insists on seeing all the designer's collections before they show them. ANDY (O.S.) And she tells them what she thinks? NIGEL (O.S.) In her way. There's a scale. One nod, good. More than one nod -- very good. There is only one actual smile on record -- Tom Ford, 2001. If she doesn't like it, she shakes her head. 76A INT. TOWN CAR -- DAY 76A Finally she leans forward to HENRY, the driver. (CONTINUED) 51. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 76A CONTINUED: 76A MIRANDA Just let us out here. She gets out. ANDY scrambles to grab her stuff and follow. 77 INT. RUNWAY - DAY 77 NIGEL shakes his head. NIGEL And then there's the pursing of the lips. ANDY What does that mean? NIGEL Catastrophe. 78 & 79 OMITTED 78 & 79 80 INT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- DAY 80 MIRANDA walks in the elevator. ANDY hesitates, unsure if she's permitted to be in the elevator with her. Okay, fine. 81 INT. JAMES HOLT'S ELEVATOR -- DAY 81 Beat. MIRANDA and ANDY ride up together. ANDY Last time I was here, James was having this cool party and-- (off MIRANDA's look) --and this is why you don't like people riding up in the elevator with you. MIRANDA smiles a tight little smile. Precisely. 82 EXT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- DAY 82 Another town car pulls up and NIGEL, LUCIA, JOCELYN and some of the other Runway editors and assistants pile out. 83 INT. JAMES HOLT'S LOFT -- DAY 83 MIRANDA walks in. JAMES is standing there with his staff and his Public Relations team. JAMES is clearly buzzing. JAMES Miranda. Great to see you. (CONTINUED) 52. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 83 CONTINUED: 83 MIRANDA diligently kisses both of his cheeks. JAMES (CONT'D) You got the sketches for your dress. MIRANDA Yes. I did. Beat. And she conspicuously does not say she liked them. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Thank you. And her tone is very remote. And now we can see JAMES really start to quake. MIRANDA arranges herself on the Mies daybed, legs folded, ramrod straight. The other RUNWAY editors -- NIGEL, JOCELYN and LUCIA and their assistants, stand behind MIRANDA. JAMES and his people stand off to the side as a few fit MODELS begin walking out in various outfits. JAMES This season I started to think about the intersection of East and West... No one in the room watches anything except -- MIRANDA'S reaction. As JAMES speaks, we dissolve from outfit to outfit. JAMES is trying desperately to impress MIRANDA. He's practically tap- dancing. JAMES (CONT'D) I didn't want to do, say, a blonde in a kimono. It's more about capturing the Eastern sensibility in the Western woman. Kind of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill in a kick ass dress with an obi belt. The modern woman as Geisha meets rock star, with a little Desperate Housewives thrown in. Suddenly, there's a glimpse of movement from Miranda -- could it be a nod? Everyone holds their breath. No, she's just straightening her glasses. JAMES (CONT'D) And this, of course, is the dress we're making for you. (CONTINUED) 53. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 83 CONTINUED: (2) 83 An overly busy red dress with too many fashion ideas being attempted at one time. JAMES (CONT'D) A lush Asian fabric, tailored, but with a bit of movement to work against the modernism. And suddenly, there it is, the kiss of death. The dreaded pursing of the lips. 84 EXT. STREET -- DAY 84 The Runway team files out, MIRANDA first. ANDY and NIGEL walk together. ANDY (sotto voce) She pursed her lips and because of that he's going to change his entire collection? NIGEL You still don't get it, do you? Her opinion is the only one that matters. MIRANDA, about to get into the town car, turns to ANDY. MIRANDA Make sure you confirm my dinner with-- ANDY --Galliano at Pastis. Done. MIRANDA And I need to see the look book for the November denim shoot. ANDY It's in the car. MIRANDA Fine. MIRANDA turns to leave, pauses. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Oh, and you'll be bringing The Book to my home tonight. Emily will give you the key, Andrea. 54. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 85 OMITTED 85 86 INT. RUNWAY -- DAY 86 CLOSE ON A key, as EMILY hands it to ANDY. EMILY Guard this with your life. ANDY Of course. If I can deliver the Book, that means I must have done something right, that she doesn't think I'm psycho. Oh, and she actually called me Andrea instead of Emily. Isn't that great? EMILY (deadpan) Yeah. Whoopee. Okay, now, it's very important that you do EXACTLY what I'm about to tell you. 87 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- NIGHT 87 We hear EMILY'S voiceover as we see this happening. EMILY (V.O.) The Book is assembled by 10 or 10:30, so you must wait around until then. We see ANDY, waiting. The area around MIRANDA'S office is totally quiet. 88 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- NIGHT 88 ANDY drifts in and looks at MIRANDA'S office -- the pictures of her with everyone from Desmond Tutu to Paris Hilton. Then ANDY walks over to MIRANDA'S pristine white couch. Sits on it. Hell, why not. Lies down on it. Gingerly. Then-- INTERCOM (loud) Book's ready! And ANDY startles and falls completely off the couch. 54A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 89 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- NIGHT 89 An editorial ASSISTANT brings ANDY The Book. It's heavy. EMILY (V.O.) You'll be delivering Miranda's dry cleaning with the book. We see ANDY removing the dry cleaning from the closet -- about a dozen garments on hangers. 55. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 90 EXT. STREET/INT. TOWN CAR -- NIGHT 90 ANDY whisks across town. It's late, the streets are quiet. EMILY (V.O.) The driver will take you to Miranda's townhouse. 90A EXT. STREET -- NIGHT 90A ANDY unloads the car and walks up the flight of stairs in front of the townhouse, carrying the book and dry cleaning. She takes out a key. EMILY (V.O.) Let yourself in. ANDY takes a deep breath and turns the lock. 91 INT. FOYER -- NIGHT 91 ANDY steps into a marble-floored foyer with a large staircase looming right in front of her. 92 OMITTED 92 93 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 93 On EMILY, intense. EMILY Do not talk to anyone. Do not look at anyone. That is of the utmost importance. You must be invisible. Do you understand? 94 OMITTED 94 95 INT. MIRANDA'S FOYER -- NIGHT 95 ANDY steps inside, her footsteps echoing through the foyer. EMILY (V.O.) Open the door, walk across the foyer, then hang the dry cleaning in the closet across from the staircase. ANDY looks. There are two identical doors on each side of the staircase. Dammit. (CONTINUED) 56. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 95 CONTINUED: 95 EMILY (V.O.) (CONT'D) And leave the Book on the table with the flowers. ANDY looks. There are one, two, three tables... all in different areas of the house. She looks very confused. ANDY Shit. Suddenly she hears a noise. She looks up and sees two girls of about 12, CASSIDY and CAROLINE, peering down the staircase. CASSIDY It's that door. On the left. ANDY hangs the dry cleaning. The girls call down. CAROLINE You can give us the Book. CASSIDY We'll give it to her. ANDY shakes her head. No no no. CAROLINE It's okay. Come on up. ANDY But I can't... Shh... CASSIDY It's okay. And ANDY, unsure what to do, starts to walk up the stairs. She gets about halfway up when she hears voices... MIRANDA and her husband, STEPHEN are in the dining room, a sliver of which is visible from the foyer. MIRANDA What did you want me to do? Walk out in the middle of a photo shoot? ANDY freezes. (CONTINUED) 57. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 95 CONTINUED: (2) 95 STEPHEN I rushed out of an investment committee meeting early, then I sat there waiting for you for almost an hour... MIRANDA We were in a loft near the Seaport. My phone didn't work. I told you. STEPHEN ...and I knew what everyone in the restaurant was thinking. There he is, waiting for HER again-- And as he says this he stops, curious. There on the stairs, head peeking into the second floor, is ANDY, frozen. With the TWINS smiling at her. And before ANDY can stop herself, her eyes float over to STEPHEN'S. Eye contact. Her heart does a flip. And her eyes dart over to MIRANDA and they make eye contact as well... ... and MIRANDA gives ANDY a look of utter coldness, disgust and judgement. ANDY freezes. 96 EXT. STREET -- NIGHT 96 ANDY closes the door to the townhouse, heart pounding. 97 INT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT 97 ANDY crawls into bed next to NATE, heart racing, and looks up at the ceiling, freaking out. 98 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 98 ANDY walks in, already bracing herself, and runs into EMILY, emerging from MIRANDA'S office, very upset. ANDY Okay, before you start freaking out, it wasn't such a big deal. The twins said hello, I said hello back, then I went upstairs and gave the book to Miranda-- EMILY You went upstairs? Oh my God. Why didn't you just climb into bed with her and ask for a bedtime story? (CONTINUED) 58. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 98 CONTINUED: 98 ANDY You're right. I made a mistake. EMILY Don't you understand? If you get fired, that might jeopardize Paris for me. And if that happens, I will search every Blimpie's in the tri-state area until I find you and kill you. ANDY Wait a second. She's going to fire me? EMILY I don't know. She's not happy. And they hear MIRANDA'S voice, ringing out from the office. MIRANDA An-dre-a. ANDY and EMILY exchange a look. Oh, boy. 99 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 99 ANDY walks in, apprehensive. ANDY Miranda, about last night, I-- MIRANDA I need the new Harry Potter book for the twins. ANDY Of course. I'll run down to Barnes & Noble right now. MIRANDA Did you fall down and smack your little head on the pavement? ANDY Not that I can recall. MIRANDA We have all the published Harry Potter books. The girls want to know what happens next. ANDY stands there a moment, fully aware of the impossibility of what MIRANDA just asks. (CONTINUED) 59. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 99 CONTINUED: 99 ANDY So you want the... unpublished manuscript. MIRANDA gives her a look. Is there a problem? MIRANDA We know everyone in publishing. Shouldn't be a problem. (beat) You can do anything, right? 100 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- LATER 100 ANDY paces, panicky. EMILY watches her. ANDY She doesn't get it. There's no way I can get that book. I don't care who I call. Just then MIRANDA walks out. ANDY springs up to get her coat. MIRANDA My girls are leaving on the train to their Grandmother's at 3. They'll need the book by then. ANDY Of course. MIRANDA I'd like my steak in fifteen minutes. ANDY No problem. MIRANDA exits. ANDY (CONT'D) Great. I have to get the impossible manuscript in four hours. And Smith and Wollensky's doesn't open until 11:30. How am I supposed to get the steak? (paces) She's going to fire me, isn't she? She's just prolonging the kill. Like an evil cat with a tiny unfashionable mouse. (CONTINUED) 60. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 100 CONTINUED: 100 EMILY Oh look, you're getting paranoid. Yay. It's not just me. Listen, don't freak out. There could be a silver lining here. ANDY looks at her. Really? EMILY (CONT'D) When Miranda gives someone an impossible task, it generally means one of two things. One, she thinks you can actually pull it off. ANDY Or-- EMILY Or, you know, that thing you were saying about the cat. 101 EXT. STREET - DAY 101 We see ANDY racing down the street. 102 EXT. SMITH AND WOLLENSKY'S -- DAY 102 ANDY flies into frame on the phone... ANDY It's for Miranda Priestly... it's very important. Yes, I know, it's impossible to get... ...she raps on the door of the closed restaurant. The MANAGER recognizes her, lets her in. 103 INT. SMITH AND WOLLENSKY'S -- DAY 103 From the bar, ANDY watches the steak sizzle, pacing nervously. ANDY'S cell phone rings. She grabs it. ANDY Anything? Can you try again? I would really appreciate any leads at all... thanks. No pressure. If I don't have it by 3, I'm fired. MARTY What an amazing job, working for someone like Ms. Priestly. (CONTINUED) 61. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 103 CONTINUED: 103 ANDY Yeah. It's a real party. ANDY walks towards the door. And suddenly something catches ANDY'S eye... We see what ANDY'S looking at -- an ad on the side of the bus stop advertising the latest issue of the New Yorker. ANDY sees a familiar name: CHRISTIAN THOMPSON. 104 INT. TAXI -- DAY 104 CHRISTIAN answers his cell phone. ANDY (O.S.) You probably don't remember me. We met at James Holt's party and I work for Miranda Priestly and-- CHRISTIAN Of course I remember you, Miranda Girl. You shaken off the college boyfriend yet? 104pt EXT. STREET -- DAY 104pt ANDY on the cell phone. ANDY Listen. I desperately need a favor. And I don't know many people in the book world... On CHRISTIAN, getting out of a taxi. CHRISTIAN The Harry Potter manuscript? You've gotta be kidding. ANDY (O.S.) I'm sorry to ask you. I'm desperate. CHRISTIAN Just tell her it can't be done. You'll have to come up with a plan B. On ANDY. ANDY We're talking about Miranda Priestly. There is no plan B, only plan A. 62. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 105 INT. RUNWAY - HALLWAY -- DAY 105 ANDY runs down the hall with MIRANDA'S food, passing EMILY. ANDY Is she back? Am I fired? EMILY You know, I rarely say this to people who aren't me, but you need to calm down. ANDY ignores her, racing around getting the dishes and silverware for MIRANDA'S steak. 106 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 106 We see the steak, prettily arranged on MIRANDA'S china. ANDY sets up the salt and pepper. MIRANDA walks in. When MIRANDA sees the steak, she freezes. MIRANDA What is that doing here? I ordered it ages ago. ANDY looks confused. Ages? MIRANDA (CONT'D) Luckily, before I starved to death, Irv invited me to lunch. (re: steak) Get rid of that. I'll be back at 3. Please have my Starbucks order waiting. And before she exits... MIRANDA (CONT'D) And if you don't have the Harry Potter book by then, don't come back. 107 INT. RUNWAY - KITCHEN -- DAY 107 ANDY carries a tray with all the food on it into the kitchen. A beat. She looks down at the tray. And suppresses an urge to throw the whole thing at the wall. She positions the tray over the garbage and tilts it, letting everything -- steak, china, silverware -- fall into the can. 63. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 108 INT. STARBUCKS -- DAY 108 ANDY is getting MIRANDA'S coffee. ANDY (on the cell phone) Harry Potter. (jump cut) The manuscript. (jump cut) It's for Miranda Priestly. (jump cut to) I need it today. (to the BARRISTA) Can you make it extra hot? Like, center of the sun hot? The BARRISTA gives her a look. ANDY (CONT'D) Sorry, my boss is particular. (into phone) Are you sure? You're my last shot. (sighs) All right, well, thanks for trying. She hangs up. The BARRISTA hands her the coffee. BARRISTA Sounds like a great job. ANDY Actually, it is. A million girls would kill for it. And she starts to laugh. The girl stares at her. 109 EXT. STARBUCKS -- DAY 109 ANDY walks out of the Starbucks with the order on a tray. ANDY stands there a moment. People bustle around her, as she finds herself at a literal crossroads. She looks up at the building. Suddenly she stops a PASSERBY who looks at her, curious. Yeah, lady? ANDY Want a mocha? And ANDY starts passing Starbucks to people on the street. 64. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 110 INT. NATE'S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN -- DAY 110 NATE on the phone. Intercut with him and ANDY on the street. NATE Quit? Are you sure? ANDY I failed. She's going to fire me anyway. Might as well beat her to the punch. NATE Wow. Good for you. Congratulations, Andy. You're free. ANDY Call you later. ANDY hangs up, and immediately her phone rings again. She looks down. Assuming it's NATE. ANDY (CONT'D) Hello? CHRISTIAN (O.S.) I'm brilliant. Really. Monuments should be erected in my honor. WE INTERCUT 110pt EXT. STREET -- DAY 110pt Between ANDY and CHRISTIAN, also walking down the street. ANDY You didn't. CHRISTIAN Oh yes. A friend of a friend does the cover art. She has the manuscript. ANDY No. That would mean I actually... did something right. (stunned) But see... thing is... See, I was about to... And we see ANDY. She looks up at the Elias-Clarke building, teetering on a precipice. (CONTINUED) 65. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 110pt CONTINUED: 110pt CHRISTIAN You want this, you better hurry. Meet me at the St. Regis. 110pu EXT. STREET -- DAY 110pu Establishing St. Regis. ANDY runs down the street to the St. Regis. ST. REGIS BUTLER Welcome to the St. Regis. Is there anything I can assist you with? ANDY Yes, I'm meeting someone... The butler opens the door for Andy. ST. REGIS BUTLER Right this way. He escorts her into the St. Regis. 111 INT. KING COLE BAR -- DAY 111 CHRISTIAN is having drinks. ANDY runs in. He hands her a manuscript. CHRISTIAN You have one hour. 111A INT. STAPLES -- DAY 111A ANDY is xeroxing the manuscript and talking on the phone. ANDY I'm begging you. You have to stall her. Just ten minutes. 111B EXT. STREET/INT. TOWN CAR -- DAY 111B We see HENRY, driving MIRANDA. He hangs up the cell phone. Then he turns down a side street. MIRANDA catches his eye in the mirror. What the hell? HENRY Too much traffic on 5th. UN's in session. MIRANDA makes an annoyed face. (CONTINUED) 65A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 111B CONTINUED: 111B 112-114 OMITTED 112-114 115 INT. RUNWAY - HALLWAY 115 The tray with Miranda's Starbucks on it... We follow it down the hall and see it being set on MIRANDA'S desk. And beside it lands boom! an envelope. Widen out to see-- 115A INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY. 115A MIRANDA, looking at the envelope. And then we see ANDY. She stands there, quiet, calm. And if MIRANDA is amazed by what ANDY did, she doesn't show it. She opens the envelope, looks in. MIRANDA One copy? What are my twins supposed to do with that... share? ANDY Actually I made two copies. And had them color-copied, re-set and bound so they wouldn't look like manuscripts. She smiles. MIRANDA nods, but still won't concede the point. MIRANDA And where exactly are those fabulous copies? I don't see them anywhere. 116 INT. TRAIN -- DAY 116 The MetroNorth from New York City to Bedford. In the front row, we see two girls in matching outfits with two matching Harry Potter manuscripts. The twins, with their NANNY beside them. 66. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 117 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 117 ANDY smiles at MIRANDA. Her faith in herself restored. ANDY (brightly) Anything else I can do for you? 118 EXT. ELIAS-CLARKE -- DAY 118 ANDY walks out. The CLACKERS stream in and out of the building. And ANDY raises her arms and does a victory dance, now graceful in her stilettos. People stare. Doesn't bother her. 119 INT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT 119 ANDY is making a small diorama of the planetary system. NATE walks in. He's carrying a bag of groceries. NATE I went over to Dean & DeLuca -- man, they charge like five bucks a strawberry, but I figured, you quit, we should celebrate. ANDY Listen, Nate-- And he sees what she's doing. Realizes. NATE So you quit, but you're still doing the twins' science project. Big of you. ANDY After I called you, I realized... It doesn't make sense to throw away all these months of hard work. I just had a moment of weakness. That's all. NATE Either that or your job sucks and your boss is a wacko. She looks at him. NATE (CONT'D) Okay. Whatever. It's your job. (CONTINUED) 67. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 119 CONTINUED: 119 ANDY That's all it is, Nate. Just a job. NATE No, no. It's an important magazine. That's what you said, right? He sees the latest issue of Runway. Picks it up. NATE (CONT'D) Let's see... How to buy a custom-made 600 dollar bra. That's important. A list of the 10 best wrinkle creams under $500. That's important. ANDY I get the point, Nate. He continues leafing through. NATE The new Botox. The new pea coat. The new (wrestling with the word) Gstaad. What the hell is-- ANDY Gstaad. It's a ski resort. In Switzerland. NATE See? I now live with someone who knows that. Thank you, Miranda Priestly. ANDY Nate, it's not like I run the magazine. I just work there, remember? NATE doesn't say anything, keeps putting away groceries. She walks over to him. ANDY (CONT'D) I'm the same person I was. I still want the same things. But he doesn't look too convinced. ANDY (CONT'D) I promise. Same Andy, better clothes. (CONTINUED) 68. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 119 CONTINUED: (2) 119 NATE That's the thing -- I liked your old clothes. ANDY (re: her shoes) What about these? These are pretty nice. He doesn't take the bait. ANDY (CONT'D) And this skirt? (nothing) Okay. What about this? She unbuttons her shirt, revealing a bra that costs more than every item of clothing NATE owns combined. Beat. NATE I like that. He grabs her and kisses her. 119A INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY 119A The senior staff members are gathered around a table -- NIGEL, JOCELYN, LUCIA, a few others including PAUL, the art director of the magazine. NIGEL ...Posen's doing some very sculptural suits, so Testino wants to shoot them at the Noguchi Garden in the Chase building. MIRANDA Perfect. What about the accessories pages for April? JOCELYN One thought was enamel -- bangles, pendants, earrings-- MIRANDA We did that two years ago. What else? JOCELYN Well, they're showing a lot of florals for spring and so-- (CONTINUED) 68A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 119A CONTINUED: 119A MIRANDA Florals. For spring. Groundbreaking. PAUL But we thought about shooting them in an industrial space. She looks at him. Death ray. He soldiers on. PAUL (CONT'D) We thought the contrast between the femininity of the florals-- And she's still just staring. He continues falling forward. PAUL (CONT'D) --and the um, the more raw, rough-hewn nature of the backdrop would create a tension which-- MIRANDA No. PAUL --which-- MIRANDA No. Just then EMILY walks in with a note for MIRANDA. (CONTINUED) 69. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 119A CONTINUED: (2) 119A Before she can get all the way across the room, EMILY dissolves into hacking coughs. MIRANDA gives her a look, then turns back to her staff. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Anyone have anything I can actually use? 120 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 120 ANDY is at her desk. EMILY walks back, blowing her nose, rubbing her eyes -- basically, a Nyquil ad. ANDY Are you okay? EMILY Tonight's the benefit. I've been looking forward to it for MONTHS. I refuse to be sick. I'm wearing Valentino. (blows her nose) Everyone's going to be leaving to get dressed soon, so after you drop off Miranda's Fendi bag at the re-beaders, you can just go home. ANDY Great. Thanks. That's perfect, because I need to get to Magnolia Bakery before they close... ANDY grabs her purse and, from under her desk, she retrieves a wrapped present. ANDY (CONT'D) ...it's Nate's birthday and we're having a little party for him-- EMILY looks at her. Too sick and too Emily to care. ANDY (CONT'D) Anyway, have fun tonight. 120A INT. LOBBY -- DAY 120A ANDY, feeling liberated, walks out, carrying the present and a shopping bag with MIRANDA'S bag in it. And that's when her cell rings. 69A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 121 INT. RUNWAY - MIRANDA'S OFFICE -- DAY 121 ANDY and EMILY walk in together, looking confused. (CONTINUED) 70. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 121 CONTINUED: 121 MIRANDA I want to make sure before the benefit that you are both fully prepped on the guest list. ANDY and EMILY exchange a look. ANDY Um... I thought only the first assistant went to the benefit. MIRANDA Only when the first assistant hasn't decided to be disgustingly ill. You'll come and help Emily. On EMILY and ANDY'S surprised faces. 122 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 122 They walk out. EMILY is clearly peeved. EMILY I don't see why she needs both of us. Eight second coughing fit. ANDY Don't look at me. This is the last thing I want to do. EMILY dumps something on ANDY'S lap -- a book of what looks like mug shots. EMILY These are all the guests. Miranda invites everyone. We have to make sure they all think she knows exactly who they are. I've been studying for weeks. ANDY I need to learn all these people by tonight? EMILY Don't be silly. She pulls out another big book of headshots. EMILY (CONT'D) You have to learn these too. 71. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 123 INT. CLOSET -- DAY 123 NIGEL is looking for a gown for ANDY. ANDY is on the cell phone. ANDY Lily, just start without me. I'll be there as soon as I can. 123A INT. GALLERY -- DAY 123A We see LILY at the gallery where she works. LILY Okay, but hurry. 123B INT. CLOSET -- DAY 123B ANDY on the phone. ANDY I will. I promise. Believe me, this is the last thing I want to-- Just then NIGEL holds up a dress. ANDY (CONT'D) Oh, I love that. (back to LILY) I'll call you the second I'm leaving. She hangs up. ANDY (CONT'D) Will that fit me? NIGEL Of course. A few extra yards of fabric and a staple gun and we're in business. 124 INT. RUNWAY - STUDIO -- LATER 124 We see ANDY from behind as the MAKEUP ARTIST applies the finishing touches. He studies her. NIGEL Remember, there are two keys to wearing an evening gown -- one is to maintain a regal bearing. The second-- (CONTINUED) 71A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 124 CONTINUED: 124 He mimes adjusting one's boobs in a strapless dress. NIGEL (CONT'D) Make sure the girls face forward. The makeup artist steps away and NIGEL and ANDY both study her in the mirror. NIGEL (CONT'D) Not bad. How do you feel? 125 EXT. STREET/INT. TOWN CAR -- NIGHT 125 We see a limousine gliding through the streets... ANDY (V.O.) Let's see. My feet are killing me, everything pinches... 126 EXT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY -- NIGHT 126 All lit for a gala charity benefit. A red carpet lined with notables leads up the steps. ANDY (V.O.) ...my breasts are squeezed into a ball and this hairpiece is like having a boulder pinned to my head... And suddenly the door to the town car opens and ANDY steps out onto the red carpet. And she looks unbelievable, gorgeous, perfect. ANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D) Never felt better. ANDY walks up the red carpet where she catches sight of NIGEL, talking to reporters on the red carpet. NIGEL ...this benefit is the social event of the season. It represents what Runway is about -- grace, style, elegance... As he says "elegance", he catches sight of ANDY, smiles and does a smaller version of the "adjusting the girls" gesture. ANDY smiles at him and walks on. (CONTINUED) 72. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 126 CONTINUED: 126 Just then EMILY spots ANDY. EMILY Oh my God, Andy. You look... chic. But ANDY is busy staring at EMILY, in her strapless dress. ANDY And you look... so thin. EMILY (flattered) Do I? It's for Paris. I'm on a new diet. I don't eat anything, and then, when I feel like I'm about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese. ANDY It's definitely working. EMILY I know. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight. ANDY That's... great. EMILY smiles proudly, then dissolves into another round of bone-rattling coughs. EMILY Ready? 127 INT. LIBRARY -- NIGHT 127 ANDY and EMILY enter. It's beautiful. Everything in sight is white -- white tulips, bone white china, white candles. All the GUESTS are in black or white. EMILY looks around. (CONTINUED) 73. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: 127 EMILY We need to make sure we're there the second she walks in. ANDY I was wondering how long you think we'll have to stay because I was hoping to-- EMILY There she is. Just then MIRANDA walks in. She's wearing the awkward dress from JAMES'S sketches, made over to perfection. EMILY and ANDY rush over to MIRANDA. QUICK CUTS at the ball. ANDY and EMILY stand at MIRANDA's side as she fields greetings. EMILY whispers to MIRANDA. EMILY (CONT'D) John Folger. New artistic director, Circle in the Square. MIRANDA John. Good to see you. She greets him. Just then we see a distinguished man in an impeccable European suit. MASSIMO. ANDY That's Massimo Cortileono, chairman of- EMILY (shushes ANDY) She knows him. MIRANDA Massimo, you made it. I was worried you'd be too busy with your new factory in Ortezzano-- MASSIMO I would never miss a chance to see you, Miranda, darling. (CONTINUED) 73A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: (2) 127 A DISTINGUISHED COUPLE approaches. Walks towards MIRANDA, ANDY and EMILY. MIRANDA holds her smile, waiting for information. MIRANDA (smiling) Emily? EMILY racks her brain. Which goes blank. She starts to panic. EMILY (fumbling) That's... Wait... I know who that is... It's... Seeing EMILY struggle, ANDY leans in to MIRANDA. ANDY Ambassador Franklin. And that's the woman he left his wife for, Rebecca. The woman he's leaving HER for is the man walking down the stairs in Valentino. MIRANDA greets the couple. MIRANDA Ambassador, Rebecca. EMILY whispers to ANDY. EMILY Thanks. Just then ANDY sees a very fashionable WOMAN, with a more avant-garde look than MIRANDA, headed for them. And she's being escorted by none other than... IRV. EMILY whispers to ANDY. (CONTINUED) 74. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: (3) 127 ANDY (trying to remember what she studied) That's... Jacqueline Follet, right? From French Runway. EMILY Yes. Oh my God. Miranda hates her. She was supposed to arrive after Miranda left... As she says this we see MIRANDA greeting JACQUELINE "warmly". MIRANDA Ah, Bonsoir, Cherie. Ta robe est rudement chouette. JACQUELINE I like your dress too. Very... Americaine. Sportif. MIRANDA Thank you for coming to our little get together tonight. JACQUELINE Of course. I plan my whole year around it. MIRANDA And we're all so grateful. JACQUELINE After all, we're family, no? She smiles at IRV, who smiles right back. MIRANDA smiles too, but looks like she'd rather throw darts at JACQUELINE. ANDY quickly steps forward. ANDY Alors, Jacqueline, ditez-moi, avez- vous rencontré Brad Pitt? JACQUELINE Ah, no... Pas encore... And ANDY pulls JACQUELINE across the room. LATER, the party is in full swing. EMILY and ANDY are with MIRANDA, who is talking to a group of luminaries including IRV. (CONTINUED) 74A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: (4) 127 EMILY turns to ANDY and whispers. EMILY You can go. I've got it from here. ANDY Are you sure? EMILY Go. Have fun. And for the first time they seem like friends. (CONTINUED) 75. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 127 CONTINUED: (5) 127 ANDY (amazed) Thank you. Thank you so much. But just as ANDY'S about to leave, STEPHEN appears, quite drunk, and joins MIRANDA'S group. MIRANDA Darling, there you are. STEPHEN It's a banner evening. Three people have failed to recognize me, one person called me Mr. Priestly, and now the damned bartender refuses to serve me. Everyone looks uncomfortable. STEPHEN turns to IRV. STEPHEN (CONT'D) Why don't you get me a drink? He's gotta listen to you, right, little guy? Everyone freezes. MIRANDA forces a laugh. An awful beat. And ANDY leaps in, quickly turns to IRV, distracting him. ANDY I'm sorry to bother you, but I've been dying to ask you... Is it true that John Cheever used to ghostwrite the editor's page of Manhattan Magazine in the 50's?... And while she chats with him, MIRANDA puts her arm around her husband and leads him gently away. MIRANDA Come on, darling, let's get something to eat. I'm starved, aren't you? And as she walks away, MIRANDA turns. And MIRANDA mouths the words "Thank You" to ANDY. ANDY'S eyes go wide in disbelief. Then she smiles. Yes! 128 EXT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY -- NIGHT 128 ANDY trots down the steps, starting to take down her hair as she races to the car. (CONTINUED) 75A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 128 CONTINUED: 128 Suddenly she looks up. And sees CHRISTIAN, walking up the steps, looking better than anyone ever should in a tuxedo. He smiles and clutches his heart like he's been shot by cupid. CHRISTIAN Look at you... you're a vision. Thank God I saved your job. (CONTINUED) 76. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 128 CONTINUED: (2) 128 ANDY Hey, I figured out a few things on my own, too. Turns out I'm not as nice as you thought. CHRISTIAN God I hope not. He openly admires her in a way that makes it clear he's imagining her with the dress off. CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) If you didn't have that stupid boyfriend, I'd have to whisk you away right here and now. ANDY Do you really say things like that to people? CHRISTIAN Evidently. ANDY I have to go... CHRISTIAN Are you sure? My editor from Vanity Fair is in there and I was going to introduce you to him. (off her look, surprised) You sent me your stuff, remember? I have to be honest, I only read a couple -- that was quite a big packet - - but they weren't half-bad. You're pretty talented, Andy. He should meet you. Come on in. Just one drink. ANDY Well, maybe I could-- (quickly) No no no. I can't. I just can't. ANDY turns and races towards her town car. CHRISTIAN Say hello to the boyfriend for me. ANDY looks at her watch as she runs away. Winces. She's so late. 76A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 129 EXT. STREET/INT. TOWN CAR -- NIGHT 129 ANDY looks over at ROY. (CONTINUED) 77. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 129 CONTINUED: 129 ANDY Can you go any faster? 130 INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT 130 DOUG and LILY are sitting at a table with a few other friends. ANDY walks in still in her evening wear and looks at them. And understands right away. NATE is long gone. 130A INT. APARTMENT -- NIGHT 130A ANDY walks in, holding a cupcake with a lit candle on it. NATE'S watching ESPN. He barely looks up. ANDY Happy Birthday. NATE turns off the TV, looks at her. ANDY (CONT'D) Nate, I'm so sorry. I was trying to leave, but there was a lot going on and I didn't have a choice and-- NATE Don't worry about it. I'm going to bed. He walks past her. ANDY Can we at least talk about it this-- He starts to leave, turns, looks at her. NATE You look really pretty. And he walks into the bedroom. ANDY stands there, feeling terrible. 130B INT. APARTMENT -- DAWN 130B Very early. ANDY is getting dressed, by now every bit as expert as the girls in the beginning of the movie. She pauses a moment, watching NATE sleep. Then she exits. 78. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 130C INT. RUNWAY -- DAY 130C ANDY on the phone. ANDY I don't understand what's so difficult about scheduling a preview. If you want Miranda to give you any editorial, we'll need to see the clothing at least three weeks before the show. Yes, please. See what you can do. She hangs up. EMILY looks over at her, raises an eyebrow. EMILY Everything okay? ANDY Yeah. I'm... fine. The phone rings. ANDY (CONT'D) Miranda Priestly's office. Thanks. (hangs up) I gotta go pick up the Polaroids from the shoot. 130D EXT. ZOO -- DAY 130D Outside at the zoo. We see MODELS, wearing gorgeous evening gowns, their faces partly obscured by beautifully detailed masks depicting different animals. We see NIGEL, JOCELYN and a few CLACKERS. JOCELYN No, no, no. I think Gisele should be the lizard and Vivian the donkey. NIGEL The lizard's better with the Dolce. (beat) Sometimes I can't believe I talk about this crap all day. (CONTINUED) 79. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 130D CONTINUED: 130D Two of the CLACKERS are checking out the MODELS. CLACKER #2 God, we should have a pig mask for Rhona. CLACKER #1 I know. She's huge. We see the model they're talking about. Perfectly skinny, of course. Just then ANDY walks over. The CLACKER hands ANDY a stack of Polaroids. ANDY turns to go, but NIGEL stops her. NIGEL Get these to Miranda right away. Tell her I switched in the Dior for the Rochas. ANDY (flat) Great. No problem. NIGEL Hey. Adjust the attitude. Don't make me feed you to one of the models. ANDY Sorry. Busy day. And my personal life is going down the drain. That's all. NIGEL Join the club. You start to do well at work, that's what happens. ANDY looks at him. I'm doing well at work? NIGEL (CONT'D) Let me know when your whole life goes up in smoke. That means it's time for a promotion. 131-134 OMITTED 131-134 135 INT. MIRANDA'S FOYER -- NIGHT 135 ANDY steps in, carrying the dry cleaning and The Book, moving quickly. Suddenly she hears a voice, emerging from upstairs. MIRANDA Andrea. Come up here. (CONTINUED) 80. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 135 CONTINUED: 135 ANDY practically has a heart attack. 135A INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT 135A ANDY walks in, curious. And scared. ANDY steps into the apartment, MIRANDA Paris is the most important week of my year. I need the best team possible with me. And this is when ANDY starts to have a bad feeling. MIRANDA (CONT'D) That no longer includes Emily. ANDY realizes... ANDY Wait. You want ME to -- oh, no. No, no. Emily would die. Her whole life is about Paris. MIRANDA stares. Doesn't care. ANDY (CONT'D) She hasn't eaten in weeks. I can't do that, Miranda. I can't. MIRANDA If you don't go, I'll assume you're not serious about your future at Runway or any other publication. ANDY looks at her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) The decision is yours. ANDY But-- MIRANDA That's all. 136 OMITTED 136 137 EXT. MIRANDA'S BUILDING -- NIGHT 137 ANDY walks out of the building. ROY opens the door to the town car, but she waves him away. 81. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 138 EXT. BROADWAY -- NIGHT 138 ANDY walks downtown alone, thinking. Walks by a newsstand covered with the latest Runway... a store window filled with the latest fashions... a bunch of people her age drinking at an outdoor restaurant, looking carefree... 139 INT. ANDY & NATE'S APARTMENT -- LATER 139 ANDY looks through the clips of all her articles from college. And at a picture of herself at graduation, surrounded by her parents, her relatives, her friends. Her parents are beaming, exuding pride. 140 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 140 The desks outside MIRANDA'S office are empty. We hold for a few beats. Then ANDY comes in, walking slowly, still unsure. And at that moment MIRANDA appears. They look at each other. MIRANDA nods, almost imperceptibly. ANDY nods back. And MIRANDA takes her coat off. ANDY holds out her arms to take the coat from her. But MIRANDA puts the coat on EMILY'S desk instead. Right in front of EMILY'S Arc de Triomphe screensaver. And then MIRANDA strides into her office. ANDY sits down, trying to grasp the magnitude of what just happened. And just then MIRANDA pokes her head back in. MIRANDA Don't forget to tell Emily. And we see ANDY'S face. Me? 141 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 141 ANDY is waiting for EMILY, dreading her arrival. Suddenly she can't take it anymore. She dials the phone. 142 EXT. MIDTOWN STREET -- DAY 142 EMILY is in even more than her usual tizzy. ANDY (O.S.) Emily-- (CONTINUED) 82. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 142 CONTINUED: 142 EMILY Sorry I'm late. Miranda wanted some scarves from Hermes and she told me yesterday but I forgot and so-- ANDY (O.S.) Emily, I have to talk to you. EMILY I freaked out of course, but then I just called Martine at home and she opened the store early, so I got them. EMILY juggles an Hermes bag, her purse, her cell phone, almost mows down an OLD LADY. She mouths "Sorry." ANDY Okay. Emily. When you get in, I want to talk to you about something-- EMILY I hope it's not another Miranda problem-- ANDY Not exactly. EMILY Good. Because I've got so much to deal with before I go, I swear to God I can't even-- And that's when EMILY steps into the street without looking. The second she steps off the sidewalk-- Blam! EMILY is hit by a taxi. We see her purse, her cell phone, her shopping bags, some of the orange Hermes boxes, and some of the scarves as they fly through the air. 143 INT. LENOX HILL HOSPITAL -- DAY 143 ANDY sits in the waiting room, distraught. 144 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY 144 Lying in a hospital bed, her face with no make-up, wearing a dumpy hospital robe, EMILY looks like what she is... ...a skinny tired young GIRL. (CONTINUED) 83. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 144 CONTINUED: 144 ANDY stands by the window, arms folded, defensive. EMILY I don't care if she was going to fire you or beat you with a red hot poker, you should have said no. ANDY I didn't have a choice. You know how she is. EMILY Oh, please. That's a pathetic excuse. Just then an ORDERLY walks in with her dinner, laden with fattening foods -- a cream soup, bread, pasta, cheese and dessert. EMILY grabs a pudding, peels off the foil top. EMILY (CONT'D) What gets me about this whole thing is, you're the one who pretends you don't care about this stuff. You don't care about fashion, you just want to be a journalist, blah, blah, blah. What a load of bollocks. She angrily finishes the last spoon of pudding, grabs a dinner roll, which she starts to butter. ANDY Look, I know you're mad. And I don't blame you. EMILY Face it, Andy. You sold your soul the day you put on your first pair of Jimmy Choos. She bites off a hunk of dinner roll... EMILY (CONT'D) (with her mouth full) And you know what really kills me? The clothes you're about to get. You don't deserve them. You eat carbs, for Christ's sake. It's so unfair. (takes another bite) Just go. (CONTINUED) 84. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 144 CONTINUED: (2) 144 ANDY Emily-- EMILY I said, go! 145 INT. CHELSEA GALLERY -- NIGHT 145 LILY has curated a show at the gallery where she works. LILY rushes around. NATE is not there yet. ANDY stands with DOUG. DOUG You're going to Paris for the couture shows? That's the coolest fashion event of the year -- who are you going to see Galliano? Lagerfeld? Nicolas Ghesquiere? ANDY Okay, now you're scaring me. Just then LILY walks over to them. ANDY (CONT'D) Lily, this show is amazing. I am so proud of you. LILY I wasn't sure you would be able to make it. ANDY What are you talking about? I wouldn't miss this. LILY and DOUG look at her. ANDY (cont'd) (CONT'D) Okay, so lately I've missed a few things... a lot of things... almost everything. LILY I'm just glad you're here. Start with the murals in the other room. They're amazing... 145A A LITTLE LATER-- 145A ANDY looks at the artwork. Suddenly she hears a voice. (CONTINUED) 84A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 145A CONTINUED: 145A CHRISTIAN Hey, Miranda Girl. (CONTINUED) 85. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 145A CONTINUED: (2) 145A She closes her eyes. Can't be. She turns. Yup. CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) I was just thinking about you. ANDY Come on. CHRISTIAN It's true. I'm profiling Gaultier for Interview and I was making plans for Paris and found myself wondering if you would be there. ANDY Actually... Stop smiling. Why am I smiling? ANDY (cont'd) (CONT'D) I am going-- CHRISTIAN That's great. I'm staying at a fantastic little hotel in the Seventh across the street from a falafel restaurant that will change your life. ANDY Sorry. I'll be too busy working. You'll have to find someone else's life to change. CHRISTIAN But that's just it. I'm starting to wonder if I can. And with that, he leans in, plants a soft kiss on her cheek. ANDY closes her eyes, blushing like crazy. When she opens her eyes, CHRISTIAN is gone. And it's not for a moment that she notices... ... LILY, about ten feet away, staring at her, a look of surprise and disgust on her face. 145B INT. CHELSEA GALLERY -- NIGHT 145B ANDY follows LILY through the gallery. (CONTINUED) 86. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 145B CONTINUED: 145B ANDY He's just a guy I know from work. LILY Yeah. That looked like work. ANDY You're making a big a deal out of-- LILY The Andy I know is madly in love with Nate, is always five minutes early and thinks Club Monaco is couture. For the last 16 years I've known everything about that Andy, but this person? She gestures to ANDY. LILY (cont'd) (CONT'D) This glamazon who skulks around in corners with some random hot fashion guy? I don't get her. ANDY looks at her, stunned. LILY (CONT'D) Have fun in Paris. She turns and walks away. ANDY turns. NATE is standing there. NATE You're going to Paris? ANDY It just happened-- NATE I thought Paris was some big deal for Emily and-- ANDY Great. Now you're going to give me a hard time, too? And ANDY walks away, upset. NATE follows her. 146 EXT. GALLERY -- NIGHT 146 NATE follows ANDY outside. NATE What the hell is wrong with you? (CONTINUED) 87. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 146 CONTINUED: 146 ANDY Miranda asked me and I couldn't say no, okay? I didn't have a choice. NATE I know, I know. That's your answer for everything lately. I didn't have a choice. Like this job was forced on you. Like you don't make these decisions yourself... ANDY Okay. I get it, you're mad because I work late all the time, because I missed your birthday party-- NATE Oh, come on. What am I, four? ANDY You hate Runway. And Miranda. You think fashion is stupid. You've made that clear. NATE Andy, I make port wine reductions all day. I'm not exactly in the Peace Corps. I wouldn't care if you were out all night pole dancing if you did it with some integrity. ANDY So now I have no integrity. Great. NATE You used to say this was just a job. You made fun of the Runway girls. And now you've become one of them. ANDY That's absurd. NATE Look at you. Now that I know how much you're willing to change to be successful, it makes me wonder if we ever had anything in common. ANDY You don't mean that. (CONTINUED) 88. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 146 CONTINUED: (2) 146 NATE I do. I really do. Beat. ANDY tries to catch her breath. ANDY Then maybe this trip is coming at a good time. Maybe we should take a break. She stands there, waiting for him to protest, throw his arms around her. He looks at her. Stunned at what she just said. And after a painful moment, he simply walks away. ANDY (CONT'D) Nate! He turns. And just then her phone rings. They both know who it is. And that she has to take the call. NATE In case you're wondering, the person whose calls you always take, that's the relationship you're in. The phone keeps ringing. NATE (CONT'D) I hope you two are very happy together. And he walks away. ANDY clicks on the phone. ANDY Hello, Miranda... DISSOLVE TO: 147 EXT. PARIS -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT 147 A limo drives across the city. 148 INT. LIMO -- NIGHT 148 ANDY looks out the window, watching Paris at night whizzing by. And even though she's still feeling melancholy, she is awed by what she sees. MIRANDA, sitting across from ANDY, is not even looking out the window. She's looking through the Book. 89. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 149 EXT. PLACE DE VENDOME -- NIGHT 149 The Paris Ritz. MIRANDA'S limo pulls up. 150 INT. RITZ HOTEL ANDY'S SUITE -- PARIS -- NIGHT 150 The BELLMAN opens the door to a huge suite. ANDY Wait. This is not right. Miranda is staying in the suite. BELLMAN That's correct, Mademoiselle. Miranda Priestly's suite is down the hall. ANDY This is my room? 151-154 OMITTED 151-154 155 INT. FASHION SHOW - PARIS -- DAY 155 ANDY sits in the front row beside MIRANDA. Half the INVITEES are looking at the clothes. The other half are watching MIRANDA'S reaction to the clothes. 156 INT. FASHION SHOW -- NIGHT 156 Backstage at a fashion show where the models are undressing and changing... MIRANDA hobnobs with designers, editors and celebrities and ANDY is right there beside her. 157 EXT. FASHION SHOW -- DAY 157 MIRANDA walks by some paparazzi outside the Chanel show. They scream her name. She shows off her best smile. ANDY squints, blinded by the flashbulbs. Suddenly she hears a voice behind her. CHRISTIAN You know, I've been thinking, and you still owe me for Harry Potter. She turns. Sees CHRISTIAN. And she finds herself alarmingly happy to see him. (CONTINUED) 90. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 157 CONTINUED: 157 ANDY Oh, do I? CHRISTIAN Of course you do. You working tonight? ANDY Actually, Miranda has a dinner. CHRISTIAN So you're free. Perfect. Oh, but there's a problem, huh? Le Boyfriend. At the mention of this, ANDY blushes slightly. CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) Wait. Don't tell me, The boyfriend is non plus? Je suis trés trés desolé. ANDY Oh, you're so full of it. You are not desolé at all. CHRISTIAN Yeah, not even a little. What time should I pick you up? 158 OMITTED 158 159 INT. RITZ HOTEL - MIRANDA'S SUITE -- EVENING 159 ANDY walks in, cheerful, carrying a seating chart. She is surprised to see MIRANDA just sitting on the sofa. There's a strange lag before she looks up at ANDY. ANDY registers something is odd. Finally-- MIRANDA (distracted) There you are. We need to go over the seating chart for the luncheon. ANDY starts to take the chart out of her bag, but she can't help but notice MIRANDA is... staring into space. ANDY Sure. No problem. I have it right here, um... And finally MIRANDA focuses on her. (CONTINUED) 91. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 159 CONTINUED: 159 MIRANDA By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me. ANDY puts down the seating chart. MIRANDA studies it. And there's an uncharacteristic lag in her decision making. ANDY watches her. Something definitely is up. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Okay, so, first of all, let's put Jay- Z at my table. ANDY But your table is full. MIRANDA Stephen won't be coming. She takes his the tab off the seating chart and removes it. ANDY looks at her, not understanding. ANDY So Stephen is not... so you don't need me to fetch Stephen from the airport tomorrow? MIRANDA Well, if you speak to him and he decides to rethink the divorce, then "fetch" him. Fetch away. ANDY now freezes. MIRANDA (CONT'D) When we get back to New York, we'll need to think of a way to keep it out of the press. ANDY Of course. MIRANDA Another divorce in the papers... and we all know what they'll say about me - - Dragon Lady, career-obsessed, drove away another "Mr. Priestly". And despite herself, MIRANDA wanders off her path... (CONTINUED) 92. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 159 CONTINUED: (2) 159 MIRANDA (CONT'D) He knew who I was, you know. They all did. And at first they're always proud to be with a powerful, accomplished woman. That's what they say. But then... ANDY is afraid to move a muscle, afraid to startle MIRANDA. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I don't care what anyone says about me, of course. But it's so unfair to the girls... another disappointment, another stepfather, gone... She tries to shake herself out of it. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I mean, the point is-- She pauses to collect herself. For a second ANDY thinks she might actually fall apart. MIRANDA (CONT'D) We really need to figure out where to put Donatella because she's barely speaking to anyone. Beat. And ANDY can't believe she's recovered so quickly. ANDY Miranda, I'm so sorry. If you want me to cancel your evening, I can. And her pitying tone finally shakes MIRANDA back. MIRANDA Don't be ridiculous... why would you do that? Beat. And ANDY can't believe she's recovered so quickly. ANDY Miranda, is there... is there anything else I can do? And MIRANDA slowly looks at her, the ice completely forming. MIRANDA Your job. 160 OMITTED 160 93. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 161 EXT. RITZ HOTEL -- NIGHT 161 We see MIRANDA, striding out of the lobby. And what we notice is... she looks fine. Done up, confident walk. 162 INT. LIMO -- NIGHT 162 MIRANDA closes the door. And now that she's alone, for one second her veneer cracks. She takes a breath. Moving on. MIRANDA (to the DRIVER) Go. 162A INT. HOTEL SUITE -- NIGHT 162A ANDY is dressed for her date with CHRISTIAN. Just then there's a knock at the door. ANDY opens it. NIGEL Hi. Listen, I need Miranda's itinerary because-- He looks at her outfit. NIGEL (CONT'D) Who put that together for you? She hands him the itinerary. ANDY What do you mean? NIGEL That outfit. ANDY Oh, I just threw it on. NIGEL (takes it in) Incredible. Well, I guess my work here really is done. Come on. Let's have champagne. We're celebrating. He walks over to the minibar and takes out champagne, pops the cork, pours two glasses. ANDY What are we toasting? (CONTINUED) 94. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 162A CONTINUED: 162A NIGEL To getting the dream job, the one a million girls wanted. ANDY Nigel. I got my job months ago. NIGEL I'm not talking about you. She looks at him, confused. NIGEL (CONT'D) James Holt. Massimo is investing in James' company, taking it global with the rest of CFG -- shoes, bags, fragrances, the works. So James needs a partner. And that would be me. (off her look) Miranda knows. She put me up for it. ANDY (stunned) You're leaving? Nigel, I can't imagine Runway without you. NIGEL Can you believe it? For the first time in eighteen years, I'm going to call the shots in my own life. One day I might be able to come to Paris and actually... see Paris. ANDY God. I'm so happy for you, Nigel. You deserve it. NIGEL Bet your ass. He raises a glass. They toast. 163 INT. L'AMBROISIE -- NIGHT 163 CHRISTIAN and ANDY have dinner in a tiny romantic restaurant on the Place des Vosges. ANDY ...I've never seen anyone as dedicated as Miranda. (CONTINUED) 95. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 163 CONTINUED: 163 CHRISTIAN That's fantastic. Can we stop talking about her now? ANDY I'm just saying, yes, there are things she does I don't agree with, but... CHRISTIAN Oh, come on, Andy. You hate her. Just admit it. She's a notorious sadist, and not in the good way. ANDY Okay, so she's tough, but if Miranda were a man, no one would notice anything but how great she is at her job. CHRISTIAN bursts into laughter. CHRISTIAN I can't believe this. You're defending her. The wide-eyed girl peddling her earnest newspaper stories -- you're crossing over to the dark side. ANDY I resent that. CHRISTIAN You shouldn't. It's sexy. He pours her more wine. And despite herself, she smiles. ANDY Sexy? Really? CHRISTIAN Really. 164 EXT. PARIS STREET -- NIGHT 164 They walk home together through the Place Des Vosges, leaning against each other. ANDY is tipsy. ANDY I have no idea where we're going. You could be leading me anywhere... (CONTINUED) 95A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 164 CONTINUED: 164 CHRISTIAN Don't worry. I know this city like the back of my hand. It's my favorite place on the planet. You know what Gertrude Stein said -- "America is my country and Paris is my hometown." She looks at him and laughs. ANDY You are unbelievable. Do you write that stuff down and file it away to use on girls? CHRISTIAN I work free-lance. Leaves me with some time on my hands. ANDY Well, I never understood why everyone was so crazy about Paris, but now... She swirls around. ANDY (CONT'D) It's. So. Beautiful. And suddenly he catches one of her arms and almost like a dance move pulls her into him and kisses her. ANDY (CONT'D) I can't do this. (Another kiss) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 96. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 164 CONTINUED: (2) 164 ANDY (CONT'D) Nate and I only split up a few days ago. (Another kiss) I've had too much wine and my judgement is impaired. (Another kiss) I barely know you and I'm in a strange city. (He kisses her again) I'm out of excuses. CHRISTIAN Thank God. 165 INT. CHRISTIAN'S HOTEL ROOM -- NIGHT 165 ANDY and CHRISTIAN are kissing on his bed. 166 INT. CHRISTIAN'S HOTEL ROOM -- MORNING 166 ANDY wakes up. Her hair and make-up from the night before are askew. She realizes what she did. We hear the sound of the shower running. She sits up. Catches sight of herself in the mirror. Ouch. Checks the clock on her phone. Late. Shit. ANDY starts getting dressed, quickly. She tries to find her left shoe, pulls on the bedspread, knocking a few papers on the bedside table. And that's when sees something. A mock-up of a magazine. With the familiar RUNWAY logo. She picks it up. 167-170 OMITTED 167-170 171 INT. SHOWER -- DAY 171 CHRISTIAN stands under the spray of water. Suddenly the shower curtain is yanked back. ANDY standing there, furious. Holds up the issue of mock-up. ANDY What the hell is this? CHRISTIAN, cool as can be, steps out and grabs a towel, which he wraps around himself. (CONTINUED) 97. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 171 CONTINUED: 171 CHRISTIAN What does it look like? It's a mock- up. ANDY Of? CHRISTIAN Of what American Runway will look like when Jacqueline is the new editor-in- chief. He walks into the hotel room. 171A INT. HOTEL ROOM -- DAY 171A ANDY follows him. He calmly dresses as they talk. ANDY They're replacing Miranda? CHRISTIAN Yes. And she's bringing me in to run all the editorial content. (off ANDY'S stunned look) Are you really surprised? Jacqueline is a lot younger than Miranda. Has a fresher take on things. Not to mention that American Runway is one of the most expensive books in the business. Jacqueline does the same thing with a lot less money. Irv is a businessman, you know. ANDY Miranda will be devastated. Runway is her whole life. He can't do that to her. CHRISTIAN It's done. Irv's going to tell Miranda after the party for James. ANDY And she has no idea...? CHRISTIAN She's a big girl. She'll be fine. He reaches out to grab her arm. But she looks at him with utter contempt. (CONTINUED) 98. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 171A CONTINUED: 171A ANDY I have to go. She walks away. He calls after her. CHRISTIAN It's done, Andy. 172 INT. RITZ HOTEL - CORRIDOR -- DAY 172 ANDY paces. 173 OMITTED 173 174 EXT. PARIS STREET -- DAY 174 ANDY races down the street. She dials her cell phone. MIRANDA picks up. ANDY Oh, thank God. Where are you? MIRANDA Excuse me? ANDY I need to talk to you. Right away. It's about Jacqueline Follet, she-- Click. ANDY (CONT'D) Shit! 175 OMITTED 175 176 INT. HOTEL CRILLON - CORRIDOR -- DAY 176 ANDY runs down a corridor. She paces a second, knowing she's going to get her ass kicked, then knocks on the door. IRV opens the door. We see MIRANDA behind him. When she sees ANDY, she walks over. Turns to IRV. MIRANDA Excuse us a moment. MIRANDA pulls ANDY into the hall. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Have you lost your mind? (CONTINUED) 99. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 176 CONTINUED: 176 ANDY I have to talk to you. MIRANDA Do not disturb me again. MIRANDA walks into the room, closes the door in ANDY'S face. 177-178 OMITTED 177-178 179 INT. CHATEAU -- DAY 179 Finally, ANDY sees MIRANDA walking in. MIRANDA prepares to walk right past her. ANDY Miranda, wait. I have to talk to you. You can fire me if you want to after that, but... (gathers all her nerve) Irv is going to make Jacqueline Follet editor-in-chief of Runway. Christian Thompson told me, he's going to work for her. Irv's going to tell you today. I thought if I told you now, you could fix it. ANDY stands there, breathless. Waiting for MIRANDA'S reaction. And MIRANDA looks past her... ...we see she's scrutinizing a passing floral arrangement. MIRANDA Are those freesias? ANDY What? No. I specifically told them-- MIRANDA If I see freesia anywhere, I will be very disappointed. She walks away. Leaving ANDY standing there. 180 INT. CHATEAU -- DAY 180 We see MIRANDA, mingling with everyone, looking completely poised. ANDY watches her. Just can't believe her composure. She spots CHRISTIAN. He raises a glass. She looks away. (CONTINUED) 100. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 180 CONTINUED: 180 Suddenly the room quiets as NIGEL steps to the podium. DISSOLVE TO: 181 INT. CHATEAU -- DAY 181 NIGEL is at the podium introducing MIRANDA. NIGEL For seventy-two years, Runway has been more than a magazine, it's been a beacon of elegance and grace. Miranda Priestly is the finest possible guardian of that beacon, setting a standard that inspires people across the globe. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Miranda Priestly. We see ANDY, applauding as MIRANDA steps to the podium. MIRANDA Thank you everyone. Before I talk to you about James and everything he's accomplished, I have news. JAMES smiles at her, raises a glass of champagne. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Tonight is not just an important night for me, for Runway, and for James, it's also important for someone else in this room... ANDY shoots a look at CHRISTIAN. Can tell from the look on his face he has no idea where this is going. MIRANDA (CONT'D) As of next month, James will be partnering with CFG in an expansion of his line. Light applause. MIRANDA (CONT'D) James and Runway have one important thing in common -- a commitment to excellence. ANDY looks over at NIGEL. Beaming. (CONTINUED) 101. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 181 CONTINUED: 181 MIRANDA (CONT'D) And so it comes as no surprise that James has selected someone from the Runway family as the new copresident of JH International... NIGEL straightens his suit. MIRANDA (CONT'D) My esteemed colleague, Jacqueline Follet. And she indicates JACQUELINE, who waves. Everyone applauds. ANDY'S mouth falls open. She looks over at NIGEL again. His face betrays nothing. He applauds along with everyone else. And ANDY looks to CHRISTIAN. Who is also shocked as hell. MIRANDA (CONT'D) Let's wish Jacqueline the best as she pursues this wonderful opportunity. A hearty round of applause for JACQUELINE. MIRANDA smiles. MIRANDA (CONT'D) And now to the business at hand. A celebration of one of my favorite designers... She smiles at JAMES. 182-187 OMITTED 182-187 188 INT. CHATEAU -- LATER 188 ANDY watches everyone swirling around MIRANDA. She walks over to NIGEL among the crowd of well-wishers. ANDY You said it was your dream job. He turns to her. Some emotion on his face now. NIGEL I've given her everything I have, Andy. She knows that. ANDY But you don't need her. You could just leave anyway and- (CONTINUED) 101A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 188 CONTINUED: 188 NIGEL (quickly cutting her off) When the time is right, she'll pay me back. ANDY You sure about that? (CONTINUED) 102. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 188 CONTINUED: (2) 188 NIGEL No. But I hope for the best. I have to. And he rejoins the swirl. Just then CHRISTIAN catches ANDY'S eye. At the same time, MIRANDA appears in front of her. MIRANDA I'm ready to go. And ANDY turns and walks away, without so much as a glance back at CHRISTIAN. 189 INT. LIMO -- DAY 189 MIRANDA and ANDY ride in the limo on their way back to Paris. MIRANDA is as relaxed as we've seen her. MIRANDA You thought I didn't know. ANDY nods. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I've known what was happening for quite some time. It took a little while to find a suitable alternative for Jacqueline, one she would accept. Turned out, that James Holt job is so absurdly overpaid-- 189aaA INT. RESTAURANT -- DAY 189aaA MIRANDA introduces MASSIMO to JACQUELINE. MIRANDA (V.O.) --she jumped at it. 189baA INT. LIMO -- DAY 189baA ANDY takes this in... MIRANDA Then I let Irv know Jacqueline was unavailable. 189aA INT. MIRANDA'S HOTEL ROOM -- DAY 189aA MIRANDA welcomes IRV into her hotel suite. (CONTINUED) 102aA. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 189aA CONTINUED: 189aA MIRANDA (V.O.) Truth is, there's no one who can do what I do, her included. 189aB INT. LIMO -- DAY 189aB ANDY watches MIRANDA, stunned. MIRANDA Any of his other choices would find the job impossible and the magazine would surely suffer. Especially because of the list-- 189aC INT. MIRANDA'S HOTEL ROOM -- DAY 189aC A quick flash of MIRANDA with IRV. She pushes a list across the table. (CONTINUED) 102A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 189aC CONTINUED: 189aC MIRANDA (V.O.) --designers, photographers, editors, writers, models, all of whom were found and nurtured by me... 189aD INT. LIMO -- DAY 189aD ANDY listens, amazed. MIRANDA ...all of whom have promised to follow me whenever and if ever I leave Runway. To any publication I choose. Of course, as soon as Irv understood, he reconsidered. 189aE OMITTED 189aE 189aF INT. LIMO -- DAY 189aF ANDY looks at MIRANDA, taking it all in. (CONTINUED) 103. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 189aF CONTINUED: 189aF MIRANDA I must say, I was impressed with you, how intently you tried to warn me. ANDY looks at her, stunned that she knows. MIRANDA (CONT'D) I never thought I would say this, Andrea, but I see some of myself in you. Your dedication, your focus. MIRANDA looks out the window. They're approaching the next party and the paparazzi are waiting outside... MIRANDA (CONT'D) People think success happens to you. It doesn't. You choose it. Every day, I choose excellence. Who else does what I do, at my level? Nobody. They don't even understand what it takes, the days, measured in milliseconds... ANDY stares at her. MIRANDA (CONT'D) But now you know --and I know -- that you have it in you. That you can see beyond what other people want and choose for yourself. She smiles, like she's just given ANDY an enormous compliment. ANDY reels. ANDY But I don't think I am like that. MIRANDA looks at her. Oh? ANDY (CONT'D) I couldn't do what you did to Nigel, Miranda. There's no way I could do something like that. Pause. ANDY can barely believe what she said. But instead os exploding... MIRANDA smiles. MIRANDA Of course you can. You already did. To Emily. ANDY reels. (CONTINUED) 104. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 189aF CONTINUED: (2) 189aF ANDY That's not what I -- that was different. I didn't have a choice. MIRANDA No. You did choose. You chose to get ahead. You want this life, those choices are necessary. ANDY But what if it's not what I want? I mean, what if I don't want to live the way you do? MIRANDA looks at her and smiles, and this time, for the first time, her smile is almost maternal. MIRANDA Don't be silly, Andrea. This is what everyone wants. Everyone wants to be us. And with that she opens the door to the limo... 189A EXT. RED CARPET 189A ...onto the red carpet where she is instantly embraced by the flashing lights of the cameras. ANDY quietly steps out behind MIRANDA. Squinting. She's never gotten used to the lights. MIRANDA moves down the red carpet. We follow her. It's not until MIRANDA is about to open the door that she realizes... ANDY is no longer beside her. 190 EXT. PARIS STREET -- EVENING 190 We see ANDY, walking up the street in the dusky light. She has never looked more beautiful. She is serene. And she is free. The wind blows through her hair. She smiles. Her phone rings. She looks down. Sees the name MIRANDA. ANDY doesn't break stride for a moment as she... ...tosses the ringing phone into the nearest fountain. 191 OMITTED 191 104A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 192 INT. AIRPORT -- DAY 192 ANDY walks off the plane. Sees LILY standing there, among the CHAUFFEURS, holding a sign that says SACHS. ANDY cracks up, walks over to her. LILY Sorry. Town car's in the shop. (CONTINUED) 105. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 192 CONTINUED: 192 ANDY You're such a pain. LILY And you'd be lost without me. ANDY True. They hug. And start walking away together... LILY Does this mean I have to give my purse back? She hugs it close. 193 INT. REUNION RESTAURANT -- DAY 193 ANDY waits nervously. NATE walks in, slides into the booth across from her. NATE I have to be at work in ten minutes. What's up? ANDY I just wanted to say... She gathers her nerve. ANDY (CONT'D) Nate, you were right. About everything. I turned my back on my friends, my family, on everything I believed in. And for what? NATE Shoes. And jackets and belts and-- ANDY Nate, I'm just... I'm so sorry. Beat. He looks at her. NATE I flew up to Boston while you were gone. Interviewed at the Oak Room. ANDY And? (CONTINUED) 106. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 193 CONTINUED: 193 NATE You're looking at their new sous-chef. I'm moving up there in a few weeks. ANDY That's great, I... congratulations. A moment. As it sinks in what this means. ANDY (CONT'D) Don't know what I'm going to do without those late night grilled cheeses. NATE They have bread in Boston. Might even have Jarlsberg. We might be able to figure something out. ANDY You think? NATE You never know. They smile at each other. Friends, at least, for now. NATE (CONT'D) So, how about you? What are you going to do now? ANDY Not sure. NATE I'm not worried about you. Anything you try, you're gonna kick ass. ANDY You think so? NATE No. I know it. ANDY Thanks. I actually have a job interview today. Beat. He looks her up and down. NATE And that's what you're wearing? 106A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 194 OMITTED 194 195 INT. OFFICE -- DAY 195 ANDY sits across from a scruffy guy in his early forties. EDITOR You know our pay is crap. (CONTINUED) 107. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 195 CONTINUED: 195 ANDY That's fine. EDITOR Your clips were excellent. That thing on the janitor's union... that's exactly what we do here. She smiles, humble now. EDITOR (CONT'D) My only question is... Runway? What the hell kind of blip was that? ANDY Learned a lot. In the end, though, I kind of screwed it up. EDITOR That's not what I hear. ANDY looks at him, confused. EDITOR (CONT'D) I called over there for a reference, left word with some snooty girl, next thing you know I got a fax from Miranda Priestly herself-- ANDY blanches. EDITOR (CONT'D) ...saying that of all the assistants she had, you were by far her biggest disappointment. ANDY takes a deep breath... EDITOR (CONT'D) And that if I don't hire you I'm an idiot. On ANDY, stunned. EDITOR (CONT'D) You must have done something right. 196 OMITTED 196 108. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 197 EXT. ELIAS CLARKE -- DAY 197 ANDY walks over to the Elias-Clarke building, looking at a place that was, in its way, a home to her. Her eyes sweep up the building to the Runway offices. She takes out her cell phone. 198 INT. RUNWAY - BULLPEN -- DAY 198 We see EMILY, back at her desk. The camera widens out so we can see... a new SECOND ASSISTANT, eager and nervous. She is showing EMILY a letter. EMILY My God, you call this a letter? Can you spell any word in the English language? The phone rings. EMILY picks up. EMILY (CONT'D) Miranda Priestly's office. ANDY Emily, it's Andy. Don't hang up. I have a favor to ask you. 198A INT. RUNWAY -- BULLPEN -- DAY 198A EMILY looks incredulous. EMILY You're joking. YOU have a favor to ask of ME? 198B EXT. STREET -- DAY 198B ANDY is walking up the street, on her cell phone. ANDY Thing is, I have all these clothes from Paris and I don't have anyplace to wear them, so I was wondering... is there any way you could take them off my hands? Beat. EMILY realizes what ANDY is offering, but she won't let that show... (CONTINUED) 108A. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 198B CONTINUED: 198B EMILY Well, I don't know. It is a huge imposition, but I suppose I could help you out... I'll have Roy pick them up this afternoon. ANDY Thanks, Emily. I appreciate it. 198C INT. RUNWAY -- DAY 198C And without a goodbye, EMILY hangs up. The slightest smile creeps across EMILY'S face, but she quickly recovers, hands the ASSISTANT the letter. EMILY Why can't you be more like Andy? 199 EXT. STREET -- DAY 199 ANDY hangs up her phone and smiles. And suddenly she sees MIRANDA walk out of the building, on the phone. MIRANDA ...I don't understand why it's so challenging to get a car when I ask for one. EMILY (O.S.) It should be there any second. And at that moment the car edges into view. MIRANDA hangs up and strides towards it. And just then something catches MIRANDA'S eyes. ANDY, watching her. They look at each other. A beat. And then ANDY nods her head -- in thanks, in salutation, and in farewell... But MIRANDA does not react. She gets into the car. ANDY shakes her head. That's MIRANDA. She smiles, then turns and starts to walk down the street. 108B. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 200 INT. CAR -- DAY 200 MIRANDA gets in, sits back in her seat. Through her window she can see ANDY, a bounce in her step, walking away... And MIRANDA, alone, where no one can see her, finally breaks into a real smile. (CONTINUED) 109. The Devil Wears Prada 2nd Blue In Progress 12/00/05 200 CONTINUED: 200 She nods to her driver. Let's go. 201 EXT. STREET -- DAY 201 ANDY walks away, smiles, shakes her head, the whole thing almost like a dream. And as she continues moving confidently in the opposite direction from MIRANDA we... FADE OUT

DINER Written by Barry Levinson FADE IN: The SCREEN IS BLACK. We hear MUFFLED ROCK and ROLL MUSIC. Then we read: BALTIMORE 1959 FADE OUT. :FADE IN: INT. DANCE HALL BASEMENT - NIGHT FENWICK walks along the dimly lit basement. Heavy wiatei coats hang from hooks on the wall. In the b.g., there is constant traffic of pecple coming and going from the rest rooms. From above we hear the MUFFLED SOtJV OF THE ROCK AND ROLL BAND. Fenwick is in his early 20s and dressed in the "JOE COLLEGE." style of the late fifties. Sports jacket, button- down shirt, chino pants, and Bass weejuns. We sense that he is a little lost in himself, confused. He looks out one of the windows that views the parking lot. Then without any outward anger, he punches his fist through a window pane. Seconds later he breaks another window with his fist. Fenwick, picking up the music beat from above, struts to the sound as he approaches another bank of windows. He calmly breaks another window pane with. his fist. A GUY coming out of the bathroom in the b.g . sees Fenwick's actions and then heads up the steps. CUT TO: INT. DANCE HALL - NIGHT The crowd is gathered around the bandstand listening to the local group, the SH K RS, playing their popular hit HOT NUTS. The song is played toward the end of the even- ing because of its risque Lyrics. BAND LEADER Hot nuts, hot nuts, get from the peanut man. BAND LEADER (CONT' D) Hot nuts hot nuts, get em any - way you can. As the crowd swings the verse back to the Band Leader. The Guy who spotted Fenwick breaking windows approaches BOOGIE. Boogie is something of a "Dandy," flashiar in dress than others in his crowd. Although he isn't particularly good looking there is something about his attitude that is very appealing to girls. Boogie aster hearing the Guy heads downstairs. INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT Fenwick casually breaks another window with his fist. His hand is bleeding. Boogie approaches. BOOGIE What's up, Fen? FENWICK Just breaking windows, Boog BOOGIE. - What for? It's a smile. He breaks another window with his fist. BOOGIE C' mon, don't be a sWuck. FENWICK I know that glass is made from sand, but how come you can see through it? He breaks another window. Boogie grabs him. BOOGIE Leave the windows alone. What's the matter with you? FENWICX It's a smile, that's all. BOOGIE I'm cracking up. BOCCIE (CONTINUING) I'm warning. you, Fen, break another window and you're gonna get a fat lip. He lets Fenwick go. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) Where's your date? FENWICK Gave her away. BOOGIE What? FENWICK Gave her away. David Glazer said she was death.. So, I said if you like the way she looks, take her. BOOGIE What are you, the Salvation Any? FENWICK Charged him five bucks. BOOGIE C'mcn, upstairs. (as Ferwick just stares at him) C'mon . They walk away BOOGIE (CONCTHUIRG) Ycu really are nuts, you know that? FENWICK Me? What about her? She didn't have to go. I'm nuts. Get that. BOOGIE That's what you get from dating eleventh graders. Brains aren't developed. T FENW I CK But her tits were. (CON INL'ED) CONTINUED: BOOGIE Falsies. --.- FE UW I CK They were? BOOGIE First hand info . FENWI CK Shit, then what as .1 pissed about? They disappear up the, steps. CUT TO: INT. DANCE HALL - NIGHT (SLIGHTLY LATER) The band is on a break. A FRANK SINATRA RECORD is PLAYING. CAP_7RA PANS TO EDDIE who is in a corner with one foot up on a chair. He smokes a cigarette and taps his foot _ lightly to the music. Eddie takes Sinatra very seriously. ShBEVI ; approaches Eddie. SHRREVIE Where's Elyse? EDDIE Talking with your wife about the fucking wedding plans. SD EVZE Gettin' cold feet? EDDIE They've never been warn. Boogie is talking with DLANE, the young eleventh grader that Fenwick had the falling out with. She is an attractive petite girl with large breasts. BOOGIE How can you take Glazer over the Fen? DUNE 'Cause. r4' BOOGIE Diane, did you know that Glazer bought you for five bucks? That's the kinda guy he is. (C0NTINL_D) CONTIN tD : . - DIANE-. He did? BOOGIE Do you want to leave with Glazer? DIANE Not really, but Fe^.wzck scares me. Why don't you take- me home? BOOGIE Diane, I'm in law school at night, I have to go home and study. I just stopped by here, 'cause I appreciate fine music. DIANE I thought you worked in a beauty parlor. BOOGIE I do during the day. - (he puts his hand up and strokes her CHEEK) Diane, go with Fen. For me, okay? CUT TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT Fen-.sick's 7R3 speeds by. Diane is in the car. Fenwick is telling her scnething and she laughs Boogie and MODE; t, follow. Behind them, Shrevie and his wife BETh follow in a 1950 Hudson Hornet. Fenwick floors his car and disappears around a bend. The other cars do not keep pace'. INT. SHREVIE' S CAR BETH Elyse feels that Eddie is getting very sensitive about the wedding. SHRE IE I k:_ow. We were talking about it. ?? (CONTINUED) CONTINLED : _ _ _ _ BETH She thinks that since he never talked it over with Billy beforehand, it kind of bothers him even more. SHREVIE The closest of the close. You t-_.ow Billy's flying in this morning? BETH I didn't hear about it. Thought he was just coming in for the wedding day. SHREVIE We didn't want to mention it. Surprise for Eddie. Shrevie's car follows in the taillights of Boogie's car. Fenwick's car is nowhere in sight. BETH Elyse's mother is very upset with Eddie. They picked out a yellow and white motif for the wedding. You know, like we did, tablecloth, napkins, maids-,of-honor. Anyway, Eddie objected. He wanted blue and white because that's The Colts' colors. Refused to give in. SHREV7E Yeah, so? BETD Well, you know how stubborn Eddie is . SHP_-VIE Could be worse. It could be black and gold. Steelers' colors. Shrevie notices Boogie's taillights come or.. He slows down. Something is wrong up ahead. f EXT. ?.CADSIDE - NIGHT Fenwick's car is turned over. The headlights of the car shine brightly against a tree. V (CONTINUED) CCNTINLt.D : --_S.t's. ficult to see exactly what has happeried.Jn the darkness of the road. Boogie, Modell, Shrevie and Beta exit the cars and walk toward the accident. As they approach we see Fe_zwick lying halfway out of the car covered in blood. Diane cannot be seen. SERE VIE (TO BETH) Stay here. The three guys move apprehensively toward the car. Fenwick's face is covered in'blood, so touch so that it-can hardly be .recognized. MODELL (-,?eac ting to the sight of Fenwick's FACE) Oh Jesus. Boogie kaeels nest to Fenwick. -After a beat,. Fenwick explodes with laughter. BOOGIE You son-cf-a-bitch ! Fenwick screams in laughter. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) You asshole! Then Boogie laughs. The rest of the guys join in. Not Bech. She is not acused. Fenwick crawls cut of the Triumph. F:-.NW. C.{ I really got you guys, didn't I? Didn't I? Been carrying a ketchup bottle around for weeks. Diane steps out of the woods. She laughs nervously. DIANE 11 I hid in the woods. Didn't want any ketchup on me. Fc: W ICK Weeks, just lookin' for the right ti=e. (COYR INTJED) CONTINLE.D : You got me. Christ, I thought you bought it. FENW IC.{ Real hard holding back the laughs. Real hard. BOOGIE You outdid yourself. B ETH That's very matt,-re, Fenwick. FENWIC Fuck mature. SHREVIE HEY[ FENWI C.( Sorry, Beth. BOOGIE Tug--ied the car over yourself? FEi1Gi I CIK Yeah, give me a hand. BOOGIE. No way. FENWIC C'man. + Boogie starts back to his car. The others fe] low. enwick pleads with them. Boogie with his back to Fen -wick is amused, delighted that he's got Fenwick or. a nu:rber. BOOGIE (with the authority of a school teacher) Fenwick, you to ed that car over. You must put it upright yourself. You need some discipline in your life. F.:- i " + 4 1 CK C'mon, guys. It was easy pushing it over 'cause of the angle. 1:'11 be a bitch getting it up. (CON INLED) CONTINUED : Boogie and Modell get in the car. Shrevie and his wife ge c 111--the?uason- - - - - MODELL Have you tried? You haven't tried. FE NIW7 CK (DESPERATE) I'a buying at. the diner. Without missing a beat, Boogie and Modell exit the car. BOOGIE .Sbmuck, _another five seconds an3 you'd have us for free. They laugh. Shravie starts his car. INT. SHREVIE' S CAR BET'RL You guys t eal ly are sick, you n k ow that.? COT SHREVIE That's 'cause you got no sense of humor. He pulls away. Sr.REVIE (CONTINUING; YELLING out the window) See you guys later at the dine=. CUT TO: Exi . -DINER - NIGHT The diner is one of the typical late S0's metal and glass structures. Almost deco in design. Cars are parked in front, including Shrevie's Hudson Hornet. CAXR4 PANS to a car parked over in a corner. TABACX has his truck open, filled with pants. A few guys are going through the goods as Taback tries to wheel-and- deal. (CON'I INLTD) CON IMIED : (to one of the guys) Seven bucks. All wool. You can't beat it. h T e GUY holds it up. GUY The crotch looks too short. Don't ca--e for that. TABACK What are you afraid it's gonna got ° caught In the crack between your legs?. The other guys "Whoco" in reaction to Taback's put-down. GUY You sure are hot shi . since you've taken over your father's business here. He throws the pants back and walks away, CUT TO : INi . DINER - NIGHT The diner is the late-night hangout... made up of a mixed bag crowd. Around one side, the aluinun siding SALE'S?. N guys in their 30s and 40s. Some HIGH SCHOOL ERS , only there on the waekends, and the, Boogie-S?irevie c_cwd. (The guys in their early t,?enties .) One thing is quite apparent. There are no girls present, except WAIT=S.SSES. T h at is the unspoken rule. NO DATES. Eddie, Shrevie and Modell sit in a booth. They all eat french fries and gravy. EDDIE You can't compare Mathis to Sinatra. No way. SHEEV IE They're both great singers. EDDIE Yeah, but you can't compare them. Sinatra is the lord. He's big in movies, everything. (CO`::NLID) COYI INUED : I If Mathis wasn't a blue, he'd be a big movie star. MODELL That's true. There's hardly any blues in movies. Just sidekicks. EDD IE C'mon, they could've put Mathis in 'From Here to Eternity.' They had blues in the war. S'DREVIE Mathis didn't come around until after that movie. EDDIE Are you telling me Mathis could've played Maggio? Is that what I'm hearing? MODELL Who do you make-out to? Sinatra or Mathis? EDDIE For that, Mathis. S EREVIE I'm married. We don't Wake-cut. They laugh. - Fern wick enters and heads toward the guys' booth.- passes the -Waitress . FZN 1 CK Enid. French fries and gravy, and a cherry coke. He sits dcw-n and joins the guys. SRREVIE How'd it go? FEiWWI C:K Pretty good. Said she never wanted to see me again. J, MOD-LL charmed her, huh? ., (CONTINUED) CCN.iNU D: FENWICK AI-I-did was -park the --car on a nice lonely road. I Looked at her and said, 'Fuck or fight.' The guys laugh. EDDIE You maniac. FE:l I cK Kidding. Said she wanted to see me again. Liked aye, sort of. I EDDIE Emis? Fenwick nods. He sticks out his pinky. Eddie gabs it with his pinky. Therefore it's the truth. ANGLE ON THE ALUMINUM SIDING GUYS' BOOTH BAGEL is holding court with his guys. BAGEL The guy's canvassing the neighborhood, and I notice he's stopping at the brick houses. He's trying to sell aluminun siding to the brick house owners. (HE LAUGHS) Sure enough, he comes back to the car. He's got a lead. Fools rush in, right? To the guys, this type of story is fascinating. 3cbgie comes cut o f the rest roam in the b . g . As he starts to pass Bagel stops him. BAGEL (CONTINUING) Boog, come here. Boogie approaches. BAGEL (CONTINUING) You lay down a bet with Barnett? BOOGIE Don't remember. I (CCNTINUZ ) CON I? ?i D : BA GET- ?'oa,. nobody bets two thousand and forgets. BOOGIE Okay, so? What's the point, Bagel? BAGEL Where you getting C40 thousand? You haven't got a pot to piss in. 'BOOGIE Game's a lock. BAGEL Nothing's a lock. You want me to call it off? As a favor to your father, may he rest in peace. BOOGIE Bagel, get in. Trust me. Boogie Walks off. - - BAGEL Kids today. Nobody's interested in making an honest buck. CARSON Heard he wants to be a lawyer. BAGEL That's what I'm saying. You call that an honest buck? Boogie approaches the guys and sits do BOOGIE Bagel heard about my basketball bet. 'MODELL I'm down for fifty. BOOGIE Woo, biz spender. I'm telling you. They're shaving points on the game. This is no bullshit tip. Get in, guys. EDDIE I'll think about it. Listen, who do you pick? Sinatra or Mathis? `' (CONTINUED) CO TINUED: -BOOGIE Presley. EDDIE Presley. You're _ick. BOOGIE Did I tell you guys I'm taking out Carol Heatrow tomorrow night? FENWICX You're taking out Carol Heatrow? BOOGIE (SARCASTICALLY) No, you're taking her out. EDDIE She is death. B00GIE Only go for the best. SHREVTE Cold. BOOGIE What's the bet she goes for my pecker on the first date? FEN ICK The only hand on your schiong is gonna be yours. BCOGI_ Bet me t-wen t-r . FE4 LCK You got it. EDDIE I'm in. MODELL Me, too. SHREVIE I'm in, but we need validation. BOOGIE All right. I'll arrange it. CUT TO: T EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY - NIGHT -- -- --A .our -engine- prop -comes into-vi view asTt rates its approach. The plane sails inches off the runway and then touches down. CUT TO: EXT. AIRPORT DOCKING AREA - .NIGHT A moveable stairway is put in place. Seconds later the hatch opens: Passengers depart, walking down the steps in the cold night air. BILLY HALPERT steps forward into the doorway. Billy, in his early 20s a:_d wears the typical button-down shirt, crew neck sweater, chino pants, and the Bass weejuns. He starts down the steps and heads toward the terminal. As he enters: CUT TO: EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - NIGHT Billy exits the building carrying a suitcase. We hear a HOR! B .PING. The sound attracts his att.:ntion. He smiles. ANOTHER ANGLE to include Shrevie's Hudson Hornet, as it backs up, moving toward Billy. As it approaches, the back door opens . BILLY (thr awing his BAG INSIDE) You g' ys ara too much. Hcw' d you know I was ccain' in this mcFn._nc? BOOCIE. (O.5 .) C'mcn, get in. Billy climbs in and slams the door shut. The Hudson pulls away. C'JT TO: E COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT The Hornet speeds down the quiet two lane road. I CUT TO: M1. CAR NIGHT Ehrevie -drives -- _ Bocgia sits shotguin_ --Fen rick and sit in the back seat. BOOGIE He's crazy is t-,hat he is. With the Shrevie here it was just nuts, but Eddie? T?:at's lunacy. SHREVIE Mari age is a? right. I'm not complaining. BOOGIE Not complaining. Uz u, sounds good. FENW I CK 'Course it isn't a hundred percent sure yet. BILLY What? He's getting mar_ied on New Year's Eve. BOOGIE Not until she takes the test. BILLY Boog, what are you talking about? FEN WI CK Eddie's going to give Eylse a football test. If she fails, the marriage is off. BILLY Are you shitting me? BOOGIE You know Eddie and the Colts. Very serious. The test has something like a hundred and forty questions. True and false, multiple choice, short answer. FENWI CK Oral cast. He doesn't want any cheati:,g. BILLY What happens if she fails? He's going to call. it off? Is that what I hear? (CO TINL°ED) CONTIN"i E'D ; SHREVIE rte swears to 1.tThe was supposed to be two months ago. Elyse keeps delaying. Heavy pressure. FENWI K Her plan could be, though, to stall until the last minute. Then if she falls, it doesn't matter. It's a fait accompli. Kno.t's tied. BOOGIE Fait accompli, my ass. He walks. B ILLY I doubt it. I tell you, it was a real surprise. No call. Just a note. Why do you figure, all of a sudden? BOOGIE Botton line? Elyse turns into -- - Iceland and Eddie's not the type to look elcev.here. Eddie goes for the marriage, and Elyse is back to being the Bahamas again. SHREVIE You dgn' t know that for sure, Boog. BOOGIE I'm a good judge of human nature. CUT TO: EXT. HILLTOP DI`HrR - NIGr'.T The Hudson is parked out front. The morning light is just beginning to break. THROUGH iZ WINDOW we can see the - guys sitting in a booth eating. They are obviously having a good time. Shrevie takes a sip of coffee. Billy says something and Shrevie puts his hand to his mouth. Coffee pours through his fingers and down his chin. CUT TO: { L1` T. J-:(r. - NIGhl B ILLY AF -And hat' -was-nothing -compared to what happened in Miss Nathan's class. SHREVIE This is great. I was there. BILLY Had her for Art class. Third floor. She catches mq talking. Tells me to see her after class. I jumped up from my seat and started screaming 'I can't take it - any morei You're always picking on met I can't stand itt' Then, I ran to the window, opened it and jumped out. She freaks and faints dead away. She forgot the gym roof was six feet below. SHREVIE ----Her eyes closed. -- She swayed for - - a moment and then toppled right over her high heels. Out cold. I was hysterical. BILLY The topper was the Principal. Donley comes in and sees Miss Nathan on the floor. He doesn't I .ow what to make of it. SERE VIE Than She=an, remember him? Normally a shruck, but ne stands up and says 'Snhrhhh, she's sleeping, Mr. Donley.' T h an he sees Billy in the window. B ILLY I said, 'I'm sorry I'm late, sir, but my bus broke dour.. Is Miss Nathan up yet?' All the guys laugh. BOOGIE You're missing the action now, Billy. Half the guys are a: U. of B. night school. A Lot of fucking laughs. (CON, INLzD) CONTINUED: FENWI CK - : Cto?BiiIy) - A Masters in Business. That's the lowest. Billy shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "What. can I - tell you?" BILLY Who's there? BOOGIE Eddie, of course. Burton. BILLY Burton? BOOGIE Dropped out of rabbinicalschool. Henry... FENW1CK, -Cliff, -.the Mouse..-.- - SH'ZI.EVIE Youssei. - ??1 B00GIE Thrown out. SHREVIE Yeah? BOOGIE Accidentally stole some money from one of the teachers. BILLY U. of B.'s busy at night, huh? BOOGIE And then there's me. BILLY Yeah? You at law school? BOOGIE Thought I'd take a pop with the law. Although I'm still working the beauty salon. CUT TO: S. F1 20. -EXT.SSDE:IZ`LLRE.?. =STAY The Hudson slowly drives down the quiet tree-lined staeete All is quiet, the morning'having y et to begin. The neighborhood is well cared for. A pleasant, middle- class area. The car pulls up in front of a three-story white shingled house. Billy exits the car with his suitcase. BILLY See you guys at the diner tonight. i He slats the door shut. The car pulls away. Billy walks up the steps, pulls out a key and opens the .door. CUT TO: INT. HOUSE - DAY Billy walks up the steps to the second floor. He sees his parents' door is open and peeks inside. The bed is made. No one is there. He turns toward his sister's room. CA RA 2ANS. The bed is also made. He goes up the stairs to the third floor. ANGLE ON A BLACK DOOR A sign reads "No Admittance." Billy enters. CUT TO: INT. BILLY'S ROOM - DAY Billy lies cn the bed in his shorts, sroking a cigaret,Ce. C tiA SLOWLY PANS the room. An upright piano is in a corner. Then we see magazine pictures of variou s base- ball stars tacked on the wall. C.A..`-'ERA PANS to pe nnants of the Baltimore Orioles and the -Baltimore Colts. CA A DRIFTS over to centerfold girls of Playboy. Then w e see a photograph of Billy and a bunch of the guys le aning against a railing in Atlantic City taken during the h igh school years. CUT T 0 : E BILLY'S HOUSE - DAY Billy walks away from his house, crosses the street and up t the steps of another house. He rings the doorbell. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Seconds later the door opens. t.S. SI:2ONS, a short, heavyset woman, stands there. MRS. SI ;ONS (PLEASED) Billy, you're in town already? BILLY Yeah, thought I'd spend the holidays here. Lot of parties, I hear. He enters. INT. SI?ONS' HOUSE .Billy and Mrs. Si ons walk down the hallway. MRS . S r,010 NS Did you know your parents are cut of town? BILLY No. MRS . SI? IONS They're in Florida. Be back for Eddie's wedding though. BILLY He still. sleeping? MRS. S IMMONS What else? It's only two-thirty. Wake him. Billy starts up the steps. IRS . S I;MONS (CONTINUING) I'll be happy when he's out of. the house. CUT TO: F IN-I.. EDDIE'S ROOM - DAY It is a total mass. Clothes, underwear, and shoes are strews al over the room. Bi?.lyYs lakes Eddie His eyes open. EDDIE Whaddya say, Bill? BILLY Still the early riser, huh? Eddie reaches over to the night table and lights a Pall Mall. EL DIE Nothin' changes. BILLY Except you getting married. EDDIE Yeah, ain't that a kick. Ae gets out of bed, picks -up a--pair of pants off the floor and steps into them. EDDIE (CONTINUING) Thcughc you weren't coming in until New Year's Eve. B ILLY Nothing's happening arc=-d. c==us , so... Eddie puts a shirt on and slips'a tie with an aebeady make scot around his neck. He pulls t:e tie ud , then starts buttoning the rest of the shirt. EDDIE You bring in that girl with you? BILLY Broke up. EDDIE Shame. In that picture you sent, looked like she had great knockers. B ILLY Yea?-i. I (a beat) Didn't figure on you and Elyse so soon. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Eddie searches the floor and picks out two socks that are sLi= i ar, ut rot the same. - EDDIE I figured New Year's Eve would be good. Get married. Party through the night. You know. He puts the socks on. They have holes in the heels. BILLY I was pissed off, Ed, figured you would call, or something. Let me know you were planning it. EDDIE Yeah, I know. But you're my best man. He walks into the bathra.,m. CA2--ERA FOLLOWS. He splashes some water on his face and wipas it with a wash rag. - -- - - - BILLY Boogie and the guys picked me up at the airport- Eddie takes a drag on his cigarette and puts it on the toilet seat. Then he squirts some toothpaste on the tooth- brush. EDDIE (with a mouthful OF PASTE) Yeah? I left the diner at five. They didn't say anything to me. BILLY Surr .se, I guess. EDDIE How'd they know? B ILLY Barbara Keller told Fenwick. EDDIE You keep in touch, huh? BILLY Yeah. [ (CONTINLED) I CONTINUED : EDDIE You re tiIl n3ili± g her, a= en t you, you son-of-a-bitch. Eddie spits the toothpaste out and sticks his ncuth under the faucet to rinse, .aking sure to keep his tie dry. BILLY Never did. Eddie wipes his mouth with his hand. EDDIE Who you kidding? He puts the cigarette back in his mouth and starts out of the room. Billy follows. ??DDIE (CONTINUING) wnac else would you be doing with her all these years? BILLY Talking. ANOTHER ANG1.,E as they start down the stairs. EDDIE Talking? Shit, if you want to talk there's always the guys at the diner. Yov don' L -need a girl if you want to talk. BILLY Eddie, you'll never change. EDDIE Da=. right. CUI TO: INT. S IZ :ONS ' K r c,.-,. z: - DA Mrs. Si=cns is cleaning the refrigerator as Eddie and Billy enter. I 01 (Mr, I 'UED) CONTINUZD: ---- - EDDIE -- Ma, what's for breakfast? IBS. S IM."2ONS The kitchen is closed. Eddie sits down at the table. Billy sits down on a chair over by the wall. EDDIE I'm hungry here. MRS . S I:?:ONS (STILL CLEANING THE REFRIGERATOR) You want something to eat? Make it. I haven't got all day to wait on you. EDDIE Come on, Ma. Don't give me that shit. -A fried baloney sandwich will be good. M.rs. Si=ons t:..Ts around angrily. .MS. SI DNS Get out of the house! Billy, take him out of here! EDDIE A fried baloney sandwich is not a lot to ask for, for Christsake! Mrs. Sion picks up a butcher knifa off the sink cct:rte; and waves it at Eddie.`- IBS. SI- ONS Eddie, you're giving me a headache! Take a walk. Eddie rises from his chair. EDDIE You want to stab me? Come on l Come on! He brings his fist up and ass,,=es a bossing position. Mrs. Simmons moves toward Eddie welding the knife. Eddie backs around the table. Billy watches this scene without ex- 1f pression. (CONTINLED) CONTINUED: -IBS. -SI EONS - You miserable creature. EDDIE Take your best shot. Then I'm going to p=.,ch your lights cut, Ma. MRS. 'S IY-"4.ONS (STALKING HIM; Who do you think you area EDDIE ° Lome on! Come on2 Go for the cut, then you're down and out. The short, heavyset woman continues to stalk Eddie as they move around the table. Billy is not disturbed or surprised, T h is is apparently an ongoing occurrence, IPS. S IIV!ONS How dial-you -turn_ in to' such a thing t.' EDDIE I'-ie gat fists of granite. You're going down. S i=ons turns away. FIRS. SIMMONS I'm not going to ruin a good knife on you. It's not worth it. ..cdie t.T-:s to Billy and smiles . BILLY (QUIETLY) So what's new. M =s. Si=ons opens the refrigerator. MRS . S 1i ONS Eat a sandwich, t en give me score peace. Bill;, you want something? BILLY No thanks. V I M - S. SIMNIONS You sure? It's no trouble. F B ILLY No, really. CUT T0: INT. APPLIANCE STORE - TIGHT SHOT TV SCREEN - DAY "Who_ Do You Trust?" with Johnny Carson as the emcee is on. r CUSTOMER (0.5.) Is this show in 'color or is there something wrong with the set? SH:REVIE (0.5. ) This is a black and white set, but I don't think . that - show is in color, anyway. ANOTHER ANGLE - SHREVIE AND THE CUSTOM-ER standing in an aisle filled with rows of televisions. CUSTOMER I don't like color television. Don't like. that color for no thin' . Saw 'Bonanza' at my in-laws, it's not fog me. The Ponderosa looked fake. Hardly recognized Little Joe. SHRRVIE It might have needed some tuning. C'JST0I R. It's not for me. You got an Emerson? Hear they're real good. Screvie and theCustcmer move down the aisle Ferriick enters the store. He looks like he is slightly drink. SHREVIE Here's an Emerson. This is portable. } Customer stares at it. Shrevie notices Fen-wick up at to Iron= of the store. He nods to hi-. C:J'S 10i'R You got that 21-inch Emerscr.. 711-4 e cabinet type. SHREVIE The console model. (YELLING INTO THE BACK) Kenny! We get some of the Emerson consoles in?! (CON'TINT E0) CON'T_N'UED : Let me check out in the warehouse! SHREVIE Be right back. That'll take a minute or two for him to check. The Customer nods and Shrevie walks up to Fenwick. FEZWI C:{ I talked to Boog. He's going to take Carol to the Crest tonight. SHREVIE So what do you want to do? FENWI CK I figure I'll be there. Sit a few seats away. SHREVIE I --- Think 3 ` Ll -be -there -too : - - Don'-t----- want any judgecent calls. r r _.WICK Bong's got about'a hundred dollars riding on this thing now. Making bets left and right. SHREVIZ Jesus, hundred bucks, already? F EMNi CK Lot of paople bectin' for. Carol. Sh_evie senses that Fenwick is a little off. S HREVIE What the hell you been doing? You been drinking- already? F:-:7JI CK Yeah? I guess so. SHREV IE What for? It's coo early. F ENWI CK I don't kncw... I don'-. kn,sw. Gettin' antsy or something. Can't figure out what... I don't know. (CONTI:NLZD) CONTINT33D : Heturns_and sta?rr__s tv_head out of th 4Qrc F L' aIY l CK (CONTINUING) See you at the Crest. SHREVIE Fen, sure you're okay? Fenwick turns back and smiles at Shrevie. FENWI CK Hey... yeah. He turns back and exits. EXT. STREET - DAY Eddie parks his Studebaker and he acid Billy exit the car. They walk along a street of row houses, then cross an old brick street heading for the pool hall on the corner. EDDIE Colt Char,.picns`:ip is tomcr- ow. Want =,e to get you a ticket for the game? BILLY T Can you get one this late? EDDIE, Yeah. You can't be in Bala'-ore and not see the Colts win the Championship. It would be sacrilegious. They enter the pool hall. CUT TO: INT. POOL iJ.ALL - DAY Billy and Eddie come down the steps into the pcol room. The place is old and dirty looking. Candy wrappers and cigarettes litter the floor. KNOCKO, a gray-haired man in his 60's, sits behind the cash register reading she Wall Street Journal. On the back wall there are pictures of the semi-nude girls from the men's magazines of the period. Some are autographed to Knocko. (CONTINUED) CONTI NTUED : As the guys approach, Knocko looks up and smiles. L-1 KNOCKO Billy, Billy, Billy. BILLY Row you doing, Knccko? KNOCKO Eat, sleep, you know. Never see you and the guys anymore. BILLY You know how it is. Time to move i W n, I guess. KNOCKO Eddie's the only one who still pops in. Still loves the game. (ve Gerious lv) You doing okay, Billy. -(CONTINUED) CONTIM. 7ED : -. LILLY _- _.._ -- Going for my Masters. KNO CKO Wonderful. All your crowd turned out fine. Take seven. It's got a new felt. .EDDIE Eight's better. KNOCKO Take eight. The pool maven here. They walk toward the tables. The place is quiet. After- noons are not the action time. CUT TO: INT. POOL FALL - TIGHT :HOT - A POOL BALL - DAY 'SLI Gr.TLY LAIR) - After a beat, Eddie's head. comes INTO FRAM behind the ball. He closes one eye aQ he '.fines up a shot. EDDIE I'm scared shitless, to tell you the truth. BILLY (O.S.) You know anybody who's Mot? EDDIE, If I had a choice, I'd just date Elyse all my Life. Just date her and the hell with the rest. I like dating. ANOTHER ANGLE as Eddie backs off the shot and starts to Bove around the table. Billy sips an or3rige soda. BILLY What are you doing it for? Eddie approaches Billy; reaches for the bottle and takes a sip. { CONTINUED) CONTINUE-D: EDDIE 1tat -am 4-doing_i..t -ford--I've been dating Elyse for five years. What am I... I have no choice.. It gets to a point where a girl says, 'Hey, where am I going?' He hands the bottle back and chalks his pool cue. EDDIE (CONTINUING) So, there is nobody else that I really care about. So, you know. I'm not saying that I'm doing it just to make her happy. The hell with that. He shoots and sinks a ball. EDDIE (CONTINUING) She's the only one I care about. -I -don ` t go looking for girls to -- . date or anything like that. Arid,. it seems like the time and all... so. At least she's not a ballbreaker. Christ; if she were a ballbreaker there'd be no way. Billy feels a certain sadness for Eddie, but he doesn't 1= ow what to say. Eddie sees Vz'::-..a1L1, a blond-haired kid, several years ycunger than himself. EDDIE (CONTINUING) How you doing, Methan? Megan approaches Eddie and stands inches away from Ed s face. MFi:?A&N JJ, I want to be where you are. 'here the air is rare, and nobody can touch me. What about my sister, Harry? Bi11y has no idea what is going on. I ETHAN (CONTINUING) I -never couched your sister. What are you saying? (cot;-, _:vUZ7) CONTINUED: Sudde^I Methaa wa??ks away. EDDIE (TO SILLY) Methan's favorite movie. 'Sweet Smell of Success.' BILLY He memcrized the whole movie? Eddie lines up another shot. EDDIE h T e younger guys, I tell ya, are crazier than we were. He shoots and misses. From another table a GUY yells out. GUY Eddie, you taking any of Boogie's action? EDDIE Yeah! No way he pulls this off. CUT TO: EXT. CREST THZATZR - NIGHT Tlhere is a lot of milling around in frcnt of the cheater. The marquee reads : Troy Donahue and Sandra Dee in "Su--:er Place." INT. CREST TT-iEATER - NIGiT Shrevie stands in the lobby with his wife, Beth, an attrac- tive girl. Eddie and Fenwick enter and walk over to Shrevie. SH 1ZEVIE (ALMOST APOLOGIZING for bringing Beth) Beth heard the movie was pretty good. BETH Eddie, where's Elyse? I EDDIE She's hcme studying for the football test. (CO,rTINTJ D) C0NTINU D: You're kidding. FENWICK See- the Bcog yet? SEREVIE Not yet. FART. MAGET, an enormously fat guy, enters with a FRIE.TD. The Friend stops at the candy counter. FRIEND Eari, want sane candy? EARL (s,.arting into the THEATER) No. don't care for sweeti. Boogie enters with CAnOL HEATHROW. She is a b-auti foal, shapely blonde. Boogie looks over at the group.-nods,- and walks to the candy counter with Carol. B:.TH Is that Carol Heathrow? S HREVI E Where? BETH With 3oogie. SH_IRVI (staring for a LONG BEAT) I think so. BETH In surprised she's with h--m. - fro= what I've heard about her, Boogie wouldn't seen her type. Eddie is as;azed at hcw beau, ci±u1 Carol looks. EDDIE She is death. Death. Fenwick spots the GRIPPER walking toward the Men's Rcon. The Gripper stands about 6'4" and is all muscle. 11 CON_iIN DD FENWICK Davit The Gripper's :era. SH V7. Where? Fenwick nods toward the Yen's Room. SHREVIE (CONTINUING) Christ, the Grip's still growing, _I think. RNWICK Hope he doesn't see me. Every time he sees me, he puts the grip on me. EDDIE Saw him put a grip on a guy at the diner. Gripped him right through his corduroy jacket. Made him stand on tip-toes.- S'r'_P'.EVIE Where's Billy?' EDDIE Cowin' with that Barbara Keller chick, I think. Bccgie gets a large box of popcorn and a Coke and starts into the theater with Carol. Just before he enters he gives a smile to the guys. FS:IWI CK Guess I might as well get a seac. (TO EDDIE) Cowin'? Eddie nods and they start inside. After a beat, S:revie - - and Beth start in. SHREVIE Let's sit in the back. BE'1"s.-I Why? SHP.VI I I'm tired of sittin' down close with the guys and all. Just as they go into the theater, Bill., enters alone. I a:U'rt.. i :.. - Boogie and Carol sit watching-the screen. The box of pop- --- co -ZAsutg in-his aa? Boag a ??ze -keep ==?.y.king-?aaks- at Carol, then his hand slowly moves down to his fly and he quietly unzips it. ANGLE TO INCLUDE FENWI C< looking over from his vantage point three seats away. Boogie squirs around ever-,so-slightly and then places the box of popcorn back on his lap. Evidently he has stuck his penis into the bottom of the popcorn box. Fen- wick nudgesEddie and then whispers some thing.into his ear. Eddie smiles. Carol's hand dips into the popcorn box on Boogie's lap and takes out a handful of popcorn. Shrevie, seated in the back, is restless, wondering what iz happening. Beth is mesr-arized by Troy Donahua. Billy sits on an aisle, =aware of the quiet intrigue that is . taking place. - ?.. Carol's hand again reaches into the box and takes out a few kernels. Boogie's eyes glance toward Fenwick. Fenwick shakes his. head and mouths "Bet's off. Not fair." Boogie nods "Yes. Troy and Sandra walk the beach. The romantic score swells. The yotzia- audience is caught up in this screen love affair. Carol reaches into the- popcorn box once again. Suddenly she screaws. She bolts up from her seat and races up the aisle. The audience iq alive with chatter, war, wondering what has happened. Boogie turns to Fenwick and smiles. Then he heads ue the aisle after Carol. BETH (as she watches Boogie racing up the aisle after CAROL) What's going on? SHREVIE (PLAYING DTJNB) I don't know. I don't know. INT. LOBBY - NIGHT Boogie catches up to Carol just before she was about to ente th Ladies'-Room. - - - -- --? BOOGIE Hold on, hold on a second. CAROL You'are disgusting! BOOGIE I know it was terrible, really horrible and all, but it was an accident. CAROL An accident! She starts into the Ladies' Room. Boogie holds her arm. BOOGIE Wait! Carol! Woo! Seriously, it was an accident. Swear to God.- - CAROL An accident. Your th?.ng just got into a box of popcorn? BOOGIE Damn near that. Can I be straight with you? Carol tries to settle dc--n. CAROL Boogie'... BOCGIZ_E There's a good reason, but it's a little embarrassing to me. So maybe you don't want to hear it. I'll understand. A long beat. CAROL Co on. Let me hear this. BOOGIE I don't like to tell this to girls, but you really are a C knockout, really. (MORE) (C01,;-: :LZD) CONT1NUZD: L.j BOOGIE (CONT'D) ? h;-, use sitt`rg rtex? toy u in there got me crazy. I got a hard on.. I don't like to admit it, but I did. You don't know me, but I always try to come off being cool. Don't like to look like I'm hustling, and there I am, sitting next to you with a boner. Am I embarrassing you? CAROL (INTRIGUED) Co on. The "St. = er Place Theme" can be heard softly through the theater doors. BOOGIE Well, it was killing me. So ..o stop tho pain, it was digging into my pants and all, I opened -----m7 fly. - Lmosen everything up. Give it a little air, you know. And it worked. Everything settled down and I got caught up in the picture. Forgot all about it. Then when I saw Sandra wearing the bathing suit in that cove scene, you know, it just popped right out and went right through the bottom of the popcorn box. The force of it opened the flap. Carol stares at him, wondering if ? s is telling th= Lrut`:. The beautiful "Su_.^ -per Place Love Theme" GROWS LCCSER for a few seconds ar som=one comes through the doors and heads for the candy counter. CAROL It just pushed the flap open? BOOGIE It's Ripley's, I tell ya. An d I couldn't move the box or you would have seen it. CAROL That's true. (CONTIVL:ID) CONTINUED: - B0EIE -- - I was just hoping it would shrink back out. (he puts his hand up to her cheek and lovingly touches it) Come, on, let's go back inside. As they go through the doors we hear Troy say: TROY (V.0.) I want. to kiss you here in front of God and evcryone. CUT TO: EXT. CREST THEATER - NIGHT Shrevi? and Beth exit the theater. SHREVIE - -- What was the guy's name? The actor? BETH Troy Donahue. SERE VIE What kind of a name is Troy? BET: He's gorgeous. SHREVIE (m,.:mbling to himself) Troy. Fenwick and Eddie approach. SHRE TIE (CONTINUING) Ever hear of a guy named Troy? FEN ICX (SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, Troy Swartz=an from Towanda. SHREVIE Cute. (CONI INLED) CO TINLED: Booszie and Carol exit the theater. BOOGIE (as he passes the GROUP) See you guys at the diner. Bring some tens. Boogie cockily walks on-with-his arm around her waist'. BETH Ten whats? SHREVIL Have no idea. EDDIE (looking at Carol as she walks away) Death. (TO FENWICK) I'd give up your life if I could have her. Billy exits the theater and starts toward the crowd. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots someone exiting through ( 1 ' another door. He watches the guy for a beat, then quickly moves toward him. He taps the guy on the shoulder. As the guy tins, Billy punches him in the face. The guy goes down. -A crowd quickly- forms. Confusion takes over as everyone moves to see what has happened.- Shrevie, Fenwick, and Eddie move in for a better lock. I The gu_y sits on the ground holding his bleeding nose. He looks up at Billy. BILLY We're even. He turns and moves away.--- -Eddie, Fenwick, and Shrevie ncve to catch up with Billy. Beth trails along. EDDIE I'll be.dar ed. Willard Broxtonl F ENWI CK Long time ccn_n', huh, Billy? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED : BILLY -- (EXCITED) I couldn't belieye it! There he was i I- didn't wait to hit hi=, but I had to, you know. SHREVI E (PATTING BILLY'S BACK) ' Outstanding! See you guys later. Come on, Beth. BETH Are we going to eat? SHREVIE Nah, not-in the mood. Shrevie heads toward his Hudson. Be_h fol.Lows. - - - -- - -BET - Who's Willard Broxton? SHREVIE It was the 11th... no 10th grade. Billy was playing ball against one of the high school fraternities. I think they were ULP. Billy came sliding into second base-to break up a double play. - The second baseman s Billy, thinking he was out to hurt"hJm Billy punches the guy and the whole ULP team -j=-?.d him. r Beat the shit out of him. They approach the Hudson. Shrevie goes around to the driver's side and opens the door and ge:S inside. He then opens the door for Beth to get in. INIT. SHREVI= ' S CAR - NIGHT BETH He's been after them all these years? That was forever ago. SHFEVIE Y He swore he'd get them. Broxton makes eight. (CONT_N ED) CONTIN'UED': Emi is tha car-nd lla-a??av: - 11 SHREV:IE (-CONTINUING) .." or seven. No, eight. There's one guy left. - CUT TO: EXT. BACK ALLEY - NIGHT Billy, Eddie, and Fenwick walk away from the theatre toward their cars. FENWICX I'm so pissed I mis.:ed the puncl-a I was watching out for the Grippe t-. BILLY - .even years. Seven years to get him. - EDDIE Who's t1he last? Donald Tucker? B ILLY No, I get Tucker in a bath=ocr; at Chestnut Ridge. :Mon Shaw. EDDIE Moon Shaw. (af ter a beat) Who's Moon Shaw? ---Billy gets in his car, B ILLY If you ever see hi.:., you'll remember. EDDIE Going to the diner? (CONTINUED) CON:, NLED: In a while. I'm going to see Barbara. EDDIE Thought you were supposed to have a data. BILLY She had to work. I'm going to stop by the TV station and see her for a hit. He starts his car and pulls away. FE i i C+{ :Jasn't Moon Shaw the 'toast' who used to data Elaine? - EDDIE h T at was my cousin, Denny. You calling hin an asshole? T-R- F Z 'I" 1, (knowing he said the wrong thing) Oh... not Elaine. Her name was Ellen. I'm thinking a whale other guy. Fen::ick tiptoes away from Eddie, playing like he dceJn0 t want to get hic. CUT TO: I , r':.E'viS IvY S'I Ate? Ord - CCR_:=DCR .ditsr. T Billy and BA?.B? walk dowr the hallway quickly. Barbara is a tall, thin brunette with classical features. She was never a girl. Born a woman. She moves dot.n the hall- way with great purpose. Billy keeps pace. B ARE ABA There's not u.uch time before the news. (CO:NTINUED) CONTINUED: I tried to call. BARBA Switchboard closes down at ten. BILLY I was just getting the feeling you were avoiding me, Barb. BARBARA That's -.lot true, Willy. They enter the control room. INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGdT The control room overlooks the studio floor. Technicians are setting up the cameras, microphones, lights. -over- the control room a bank of monitors hang down from a metal shelf. The TEC:=`iICAI. DI? CTOR is talking over a headset, balancing video levels. Barbara slips cis a headset and shuffles through some papers. BA_R.QARA (INTO HEADSET) Telecine, you want to. run down the file. chains for me? Silly takes in all the activity. He is. cverwhelmed. His eye catches the OLD GOLD dancing boxes on one of the race r: l ~'o r s . BARBARA (CONTINUING; GETTING infor=a_ion) Governor's press conference is on Three? There's a B roil to that. Four? Okay. Goodwill Charity Christmas Party? Three also? And :h-s slides? One? Barbara looks up at the clock. It reads: 10:58. h T e Director rushes into the booth with the news script. He quickly sits and puts on his headset. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: DIRECTOR - Stand by -for cold -tease-_ I PH BARBARA - Ten seconds. Billy steps forward to get a better view of the activity on the floor. The Director becomes aware of his presence. 'DIRECTOR Who's the visitor? BARBARA Friend of mine. Five seconds. DIRECTOR And one, mike, cues NEWSCASTER President Eisenhower returns from Wrld Peace Trur. Steel dispute continues . " These and other stories next. DIRECTOR Roll three. Three and track. A cor ercial cones up on the air mot i car . BARBARA Willy, after this I still have a lot of work to do. Why don't you call in the morning? DIRECTOR Where's the news opening? BARBARA' On six. BILLY What's good? BARB A RA Church services are at ten, ei jht- thirty, nine. DIRECTOR Punch I.D. and announce. A slide of the television station's call letters comes uo. The Alti'NOUNCZR in a glass booth off to the right speaks: ANNOUNCER This is Wi?'4R TV 2 in Baltimore, wishing all our viewers a Merry G<_ Christrias and a Happy New Year. CUT TO: EXT. CHURCH GRCU 'TDS - NIGHT The Nativity scene is set up "on the grounds . Wonderfully _ e..acora e, a out?-?alf L±i scale. The figures are made frcm clay and painted in fine detail. CA:-ZRA PANS over to Fenvick who is parked nearby. He leans on his Triumph holding a half pint of whiskey. He takes a big swig and shivers slightly. The air is cold and his breath comes out in white puffs. CUT TO E:71. DINER - NIGHT Eddie and Shrevic lean against a car parked in front of the hangout. The diner's. blue neon sign above reflects off the cars bathing the guys in a cold blue light. EDDIE Two days till the test. If she passes, t7.ro more days to the thing tae marriage. - SHREVIE Where you going? Puerto Rico? E'DDIE Cuba. SHRF. VIE My parents' friends, the Copelands, go every year. Nice. There is a long, pause. EDDIE- Shrevie, you happy with your d rtar- _a ge , or what? S'R'REVIE To be honest, I dcn't kncw. You kncw. . How can you not know? It's not like you're trying to figure out the difference between Pepsi. Cola and Rcyal Crown, for Chris' s.tke . S FR-t viE Beth is te -ific and everything, but I don't know. Eddie locks off, not happy with the answer. (CONTINUED) 4 0. C 0 NT IN-E D (CONTINUING) You know the big part of the problem? when we were dd4i ng we spent mo_s t of our ti=e talking about sex. Whv couldn't I do it? where coule we do it? Were her parents going to be out so we could do it. Talking about being alcne for a weekend. A whole night. You know. Everything was T talking about gettin' sex or planning our wedding. Then when you're m::r:ied. It's crazy. You can have it whenever you want. You wake u She's there. p. You come home from work. She's there. Sc, all the sex-planning talk is over. And the wedding-planning talk. We can sit up here and bullshit the night away, but I can't hav. a five minute conversation with Beth. But, I'm not putting the blame on her. -We've just got nothing to talk about. Eddie lights a Fall Mall. EDDIE Well, that's okay. We've got the diner. CL TO: EXT. CAROL rE_. ROW'S PAR PARENTS HOUSE - NIGHT The house is a pleasant two -s tcry wccd s t=cc r_,d e . A yellcw porch light is on. Bocgie and Carol walk ut the steps to the front door. Carol opens the door with the key. She back toward Boogie. BOOGIE (SOFTLY) I love ycu. He gently kisses her forehead, then looks her 'in the eyes. Carol throws her arts around his neck and kisses him passionately. CAROL Do you want to come inside? IR BOOGIE -Are your. parent:. around? (CONTINUED) I CONTINUED : They're probably in the basement watching TV. BOOGIE I'd lave to, but I really should hit the law books. Okay? Carol nods. He st=okes her cheek. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) i wish t could stay. CAROL ° Talk to you. Soon? Boogie nods and walks away. Carol watches hi= with great affection. then t-trns and enters the hc.use. CUT TO: EXT. DINER - NIGHT Fenwick pulls over to the curb across the street from the diner. He exits the car. Eddie, Shrevie, Modell, and a group of others are all hanging out. A VOICE calls Cu:, A so. t, but yerz authoritative voice. VOICE Whaddya say, Jim? F enwick tur::s . The Grippe= is s an ding by his ca--. FEN ICK Whaddya say, Gripper? GRIPPER Not much Jim. He moves toward hi_- ever so slowly. F E; A4, I C K Oh no, you're not going to put the grip or. me, I GRIPPER Where do you get that idea, Jim? Fenwick backs up, then suddenly rips the a ntenr.a of his i car and waves it like a sword. (C0^1TINL?JI CCN:INLT : --- - Not Stay away! I'm not going to get gipped! You're not going to get me to walk on my tiptoes in pain. Oh, no. GRIP FER (even more softly) Jim, I'm not going to grip you. FE WI CK (waving the antenna) Yes, you are. The guys across the street are loving what is happening. GRIPPER To be honest, I was. But not now. I like. a guy who stands up to the Gripper. I like that, Jim. - - - --- .FE`TWiCK - - You're not going to grip me? GR_''PER No, I just want to snake your hand. F::ti?;ICK You're settin' me up for a grip. GRIPPER Untrue, Jim. FE-.1 iCK Sure? GRIPF_R I want to shake the hand of the an who stood uo to the Gr'_oper.. NWICK -- No grip? GRIPPER That's right, Jim. Fenwick drops the antenna. He moves toward the Gripper, slowly. The Gripper extends his hand. Fenwick extends his hand. They shake. No grip. Fenwick is relieved. GRIPPER (CONTINUING) Let's go-see the guys. The scan who stood up to the Gripper. CCGNTINL D) CCNTINLED : Fenwick, feeling very proud, -walks with the Gripper across the - s e e t - Iowa d--t le - S u d d "il lalfway ac, fls 5 ??'.$T street, the Gripper puts one of the greatest grips in his career on Fenwick. He squeezes Fern«ick's forea right through his winter coat. Fenwick feels the pain. The famous grip is on. GRIPPER (CONTINUINZ} Up on your toes, j FEN''NICK Oh no, grip. Grippes puts a little more pressure on and Fenwick is up on his toes. The guys cheer Gripper. GRIPPER Jim, never doubt the Gripper. When I say I want to shake your hand, believe what I say. Never doubt, Jim. r ;TW`rC? Never doubt. Right. The Gripper turns Fer.wick around and leads him away from the guys back to the other side of the street. Fenwick up on his toes. The guys are eating it up. Then they head back to the guys. C.41'E PANS to Boogie's ca_ as it pulls into the parking lot or. the left side of the building. He starts to pass Bagel who is about to drive out. Bagel BEEPS HIS HORN and rolls down the window. Bcogie.ralls his down. BAGEL Did you hear? T F-y on by fourteen. BOCCIE Fourteen'. Shit. They weren't supposed to roll up that big a score. BAGEL Lis ten to me next time. He pulls out. Boogie pulls forward and parks. He slams his fist into the steering wheel. Again and again. Then he leans back in his car seat. CUT TO: I INT. DINER - NIGHT (LATER) -Earl-;''.ale t- sits i? a th ? cn His r.;I taking about one whole side. He finishes off one section of a club sandwich and very politely wipes his mouth with. a napkin. Before him' then a are five deluxe sandwiches waiting for his hungry mouth. He the financial page and picks up another sandwich. Eddie, Billy and Modell are turned around in their booth watching Maget. Boogie; Fenwick, and Shrevie are dis- cussing the pecker in the popcorn bet. EDDIE (WATCHING EARL) Where's he-now? MODELL (LOOKING OVER THE MENU) He's on the Pimli:o. (he then surveys THE TABLE) That's the George's Deluxe. The Garrison, the Avalon and The Junction. EDDIE (AMAZED) The whole left side of the menu. What.a triumph if he pulls it off. Modell starts counting the sandwiches on the left' side of the menu. We catch snatches of Boogie, Fenwick, and Shr ev=e argu inz FEN IC:{ The bet was touch your pecker. Not pecker hidden in pc-acorn. SHR.VIE It was pecker touching without intention. BOOGIE Lis ten to this . Modell looks up from the menu. MODELL Fifteen.. or sixteen more. If you include the Maryland Fried Chicken dinner. EDDIE I think he's just talking deluxe sandwiches. (CONIINIJZD) CONTINUED : .i (YELLING OVER) Earl! That include the Fried Chicken dinner?- EARL Yes . EDDIE (TRULY AMAZED) Twenty-two deluxe sandwiches and the Fried Chicken dinner. -BILLY And no bets. EDDIE Nope. Just a personal goal. Another private triumph. i"his' lI top the eighty white Tower hamburgers. BILLY He ate eighty White Tower hamburgers? EDDIE. Oh yeah, you didn't know? Thanksgiving night. Eighty-six he ate. Saw him later and said, 'Earl, your goal was eighty. Why eighty-sic?' He looked at me and said, 'I got hungry.' Billy laughs, MO DELL Truth, They slide back down in tale booth. Sr?. VIE. (TO BOOGIE) But it was a trick. I don't BUY IT EDDIE (joining back in the CONVERSATION) Me either. I want it an the up and up. Default. BOOGIE Let it all ride. Tell you what. (CONT NL:E0) CO`'T-INUED : Boogie stirs his french fry in the gravy for a long beat. T e ? 's $gerzy??aa:.z :=s :cposai. - - BC OGLE (ccn tin uing) - I bet I ball Ca_ of Heathrow or, the net date. FENWICK Now you're nuts. BOOGIE - Fifty bucks a guy. EDD;E Fifty? $HREVIE It's like stealing money from you, Boog. BOOGIE The guys all take the bet e:cepc Billy. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) ?nd I'll take all the action I can get. FEN I ^1 We need validation. ECOGI?? I'Il arrange it. You want to be there to Validate? FE NWI CK Sure. here's a slight sense o -anxit?Cy in Boogie's at;.d?e e. Billy picks u- on it. CU -6 TO: EXT. DINER - NIGh T The first rays of mar-,i::g light reflect in the diner's front r windows . Earl rLaget exits. The guys following behind applauding as he goes. (CONTI` TRD) 7 CONTINUED: L J Maget calmly crosses the parking lot and gets in his lithe veFlaw ;,ssile-t?apclitan anc ?rivesE- -- SHREVIE You all want to meet here and go to the game in my car? BOOGIE Yeah, that's good.. SHREVIi:. (GETTING INTO HIS CAR) Meet here at twelve. EDDIE Make it quarter to. Don't want to miss any of the pre-game shit. SHREVIE Why don't you go now. Then you'll be sure not to miss anything. He starts his car. EDDIE We're talking the championship game. Quarter to. Shrevie nods. The guys all exchange "See ya's," get in their cars and drive off. The diner parking lot is now empty except for Fenwick's Triumph. CUT TO: EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY The morning sun is now uo. A very attractive GIRL in full rising gear gallops along or, a chestnit stallion. She rides expertly, seemingly unaffected by the cold morning air. CuNEZt PULLS BACK until we'-see Boogie's cherry and white DeSoto keeping pace on the road close by. INT. CAR - DAY BOOGIE I've got to meet this girl. She IS DEATHL R (CONTINUED) .JJ CCZ I TIi'UED: Very nice. BOOGIE I'm in love. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Boogie's car continues to trail alongside the Girl on the horse. Boogie rolls dom the window. BOOGIE (YELLING OUT) T Miss! Miss! Woo! Miss! The Girl pulls upon the reins and stops. Boogie quickly steps out of the car and approaches. GIRL Yes. Boogie is amazed.-- She's more beautiful up close. Long black hair and deep blue eyes. Elegant. BOOGIE I was admiring your horse . (CONTIN ED) A1 CDNTINLC??D : -GIRL`--- (VERY RESERVED) Were you? BOOGIE Do you ride Wester. style as well? Fenwick gets out of the car and leans against the door. GIRL I do, but I prefer English. There's a finer sense or control. BOOGIE What's your name? GIRL Anti Chisholm. (as Boogie star-s) As in the Chisholm Trail. --She gallops away. Boogie watches her go for a beat, then ---- tur-:s to Fenwick. BOOGIE What fuckin' Chisholm Trai? ? He walks back to the car and gets inside. F enwick does the same. INT. CAR - DAY ry. C irY _C{ You get the feeling there's something- acing on that we don't know about? BOOGIE You get the fee! ing she gav` me a - false name? (starting the car up) Wan: to drive scme more? FENWICK Naw, let's call it a night. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Boogie's Desoto drives off. The white picket fences framing the car as -it heads down the road. We hear the SOUND OF CHURCH BELLS . CUI 7 0: t.:?1-1 . ST. AGNE5 CHURCH - JAY The BELLS in the tower RING. Billy sits in his car wait- acs--Bar-b-a=a:? egaticna1-members wa?K 3cw-;:? tie path passing the Nativi ty scene off to the left. Billy watches for Barbara. The crowd thins, we exits his car and walks toward the church, looking arcunu, thi nking s he may have missed her somehow. He peeks inside the church. Unsure whether to enter. A C U CH 1E DER exi is . BILLY Is there anyone inside? CHURCH ?EMB E R I didn't notice. BILLY Is it all right to go in? CHURCH I'EMBER Of course. Billy enters. CUT TO INT . C?:L'cZC:i - DAY Billy stands at the back and looks around. the Lang stone st=,-uct.:re. He sees Barbara still sitting. All alone. He quietly goes down the aisle and Joins her in the pew. BILLY Aryt .ins wrong, Barb? BAR3IRA No. (LONG PAUSE) Yes. I think I't< pr .a BILLY (LONG PAUSE) Me? BARBARRA Yes. Our one day in New York last month. SLY years of a plt,toric relations Lh , then one nig^t of sex... and this happens. h T ey sit silently in the church. / 9T {COIN I,Wc.J} I CONTINUED: BILLY- Maybe it's for the best. BARBARA No... I don't think so. Do you wan: to marry me? BILLY Yes. BARBARA Is that why you came back a few dayz. early? To ask? BILLY I thought after New York, you know. Seven weeks is a long time when you miss someone. BARBARA New York was a mistake. BILLY Maybe it wasn't as romantic as we'd like it to be, but I think it will happen. It's not perfect, yet, but... I love you, Barb. BARBARA You're confusing a friendship with a woman and love. It's not the SAR E They sit. Saying nothing. EXT. 'MORIAL STADIUM - DAY __ .RTAL VIEW MCVING toward the main tower of the stadiu We hear the CROWD YELL "C!!! 0! ! !" We MOVE CLOSER to the tower. The crowd roard "L!!! T!!!" We KEEP MOVING CLOSER. "S! W' " We PASS OVER the tower and ENTER the s cad ium. A deafening crowd ROAR is heard ."COLTS! ! ! " CUT TG: A COLT DEFENSIVE LINEMAN smashes into the Giant's quarterback, knocking him to the ground with a thud. The Colts are fired up. The Champion- ship is within their grasp. THE SCOREBOARD reads: "GIANTS 16 - COLTS 31." ANGLE, Eddie, Billy, Shrevie, Boogie and Fenwick are or, their feet. Victory is minutes away.' EDDIE (YELLI NG) Cino! Gino! (TO BILLY) He's incredible. They should build .astarue, a monument to him. - Something, you know. Shrevie takes the binoculars from Boogie, and looks through them. SHREVIE W rich one? - SOOGIE Second from the right. S'HRL VIE' S POV THi OUCH THE B1I:000.ARS We see a cheerleader, then it PANS TO another cheerleader. BOOGIE (O.S.) See her? SHREVIE ,(O.S.) Yeah. How can you tell she's not wearing panties? BACK TO SCENE Shrevie puts the binoculars down. BOOGI You have to wait nor her to ju p . S`r.EVIE And when she jumped you saw? BOOGIE I see everything. Shrevie puts the glasses to his eyes again. (CONTINUED) CONT.INU,ED : Si ;.REV I Come on! Jump! Boogie stiles at Fenwick.' Fenwick holds back a laugh. FENWICK I think there's a jump coming up. The Colts take possession of the ball and start to run the clock down. `EDDIE Moe points! Johnny, the bomb! BILLY Ed, we've got it wrapped up. EDDIE I don't want just a win. I want humiliation. Goddarn New "fork teams, think they're hot shit. (yelling out). -;h-ailzation! - Joh,.ny, ht iliaticn! The cheerleaders give a big cheer. FEIR'WICK Quick, Shrevie. She's going to j ump . Shrevip cuickly starts to bring the binoculars u:), but Boogie has his arm through the scrap. BOOGIE Cops. Wait a record. Shrevie ties to untangle Boogie's a=. FE.? ' ICs Too lace. __--- Shreve stares at Bccgie a beat, t en. _aaliz_s he'.s .been Very good. Very good. The scoreboard clock ticks down. The crowd counts down the seconds. "5 .. 4. 3 . 2 . 1. " FAM4DLMOJILT,.1. The guys go crazy, grabbing and hugging one another. Some of the crowd starts to swarm onto the field. The guys follow. (CONTINUED) CONTIMT1 D : T e_ late a`tet-soon sun Ii as dropped be-Low -the `t ends-_-ThE lights.are on. A gray-golden haze envelops the field. Fans are trying to tear down: the goal post. Billy, Eddie, Shrevie, Boogie and Fenwick, hang from the goal post sing- ing the Baltimore Colt fight song. There may be happier days ahead for the guys but this one will be hard to beat. The goal post finally comes apart and the guys fall to the ground in a heap laughing happily. CUT TO: _IN:.. FZl-WICK'.S AP_\R1"'1,MNT - DAY Fenwick sits watching the GE College Bowl. The quiz show that pits one college against another. It's a real game of intellectual skill. CA?M-RA PANS the apartment. I. It is imaginatively decorated in pink and turquoise colors. Five pink flamingos, four feet high, are placed around the room. - - - - QUIZ ?!ASTER Socrates was probably the greatest philosopher of the ancient world. Plato was his student. For sixty points, who was the ocher famous student? FENWICII: Xenophon. (CO:i d INNL ED ) A BUZZER RINGS. TV QUIZ MAS'TE'R Yale. YALE TE M LEADER Xenophon. Right for sixt points. XENWICK 'Bout , -e, Yale. TV MAMER That makes thescore Z Pr inceton 345. Yale 290. The hundred POINT TOSS- up. This eoration was sp oken to these who died fighting Sparta. Who said this and when? '0ur government is not copied from our neig hbors...' FE W, I CK (screaming the answer out) Percles, 413.. . TV QUIZ FASTER 'Our cons tztutian is named a democracy... FE:t?i I CK Cor_ection. Pericles 431. The BUZZER RINGS. TV QUIZ MASTER Prince ton. PRINCETON T.rAM LEADER (STILL DISCUSSING with te ' -_ ":.ates)a - - That was the Peloponeslan War... 'i J QUIZ EASTE I n ga wag to need an answer. PRINCETON TEAM LEADER Aristotle. sorry. Yale? TV QUIZ MASTER (NO ANSWER) Pericles 431 B.C. IT (CONTINUED) ;c. CONTINT:LD : r E:? (HE CHEERS) Fenwick takes the lead again. CUT TO - INT. FENWICK'S BEDROOM - DAY The room is black. rcra pink flamingos are present. SoogiE is talking on the phone. Through the wall we hear the GE College Bowl and Fenwick's answers. BOOGIE Yeah, Ma, I know I owe two thousand dollars. Guess what? I heard it before you. What an I going to do? I'm choice. Got to find a way to pay it off. Me? I've got fifty-s ix dollars t. my name. Yes, I know I'm in trouble. Then they `ll kill me.__ 'What can -I -- - tell you? No, not tonight. No dinner. I know what you're :laving. It's Sunday. Take-out Chinese. I'm a mind reader. All right, I'm a wise guy. Fenwick did not corrip t me. I cc=zap t ed hi Or we go t outside help. FENWICK (0.S.) (through the wall) Darwin. Origin of the Species. 1859. CUT B.kCK TO: INT. LIV?NG ROOM - DAY TV QUIZ MASTER That's all the time we have this Sunday. Next week uaryland vs UCLA. FE:T6 7CK i I'll wipe them out. Boogie comes into the living room and grabs his winter coat off a chair. The show's closing theme begins. BOOGIE. Talked to Shrive. He's going to lend me to hundred. (CO: TINi,ED) J 2. CONTINUED : Going over now? BOOGIE YEAH FE ICX I'm going to drop in an my brother. Might be able to get some bucks from the to-!st. BOOGIE Howard? Really? Fenwick shrugs his shoulders. BOOGIE (CONTINUING; REAL SINCERITY) I appreciate that, Fen. I know ho°.r you guys feel about one another. Ferwick waves him off. He doesn't like any fcr of praise. Boogie starts for the door. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) With the Heathrow bet and all, I should be close. See ya. He exits. CUT TO: IN'T. SH?EVIE AND BET-.-.' S HOUSE A 43 record drops down the sL_;.d'e. The tone ar comes forward and gently rests on the record. A ROCK AND ROLL SONG STARTS TO PLAY. Shrevie is look'ng through his extremely large reccrd rac:t. Something is bothering him. He pulls out one record, then another. SERE VIE Beth! Betht Beth is in another room. BETH (O.S.) -What? (CCNTIN ED) s0. CONTINUED : COME HEREL SETH (0. S.) I'm working on a crossword puzzle. SHREVIE COME HEREL Beth sticks her head in from the other room. BETH What? SHREVIE Have you been playing my records? BETH Yeah. So? SHREVIE Didn`t I tell you the -procedure? BETH (CBVIOUSLY HAVING heard this dis- cuss_on before) Yes. You told me all about it, Shrevie. They have co be in alphabetical order. - SHREVI (like a teacher to a student) And what else? BETH They have to be ?_le according to year as well. Alphabetically and according to year. Okay?` SHREVIE And what else? Bet;thinks . SHREVIE (CONTINUING) And what else? BETH (confused, then angry) I don't know l t. (C0INTT VzD) L?? CON'TIN JED : I- - - -_ - S HREVIF - _- - --- Let me give you a hint. I found James Brown filed under the is instead of the $s, but to ton it off you rut him in the rock and roll section! Instead of the R and B section! How could you do that?! BETH It's too complicated! Every time I pull out a record there's a whole procedure to go thrcugh. I just want to hear music, that's all! ° SHREVIE Is it too much to keep records in a category? R and B, with R and B. Rock and roll with Rock and roll, You wouldn't put Charlie ga: ktr with rock and rill, would you? Beth says nothing. SI:REVIE (CONTINUING) Would you?!!! BETH I don't know! Who's Charlie Parker? Shrevie almost goes out of his mind. SriREJI., Jaz,!!!! Jazz!!!! Ja??it! ! ! ! i+ T H What are you getting so crazy about. It's only Music. It's not chat big a deal. - S'r'.FE VI It - -s! Don't you understand that!!? It's important to me! They stare at one another. Shreve trying to control his temper. Beth's eyes become watery. Holding back tears. BETH Why do you yell at me? I never see you yell at your friends. SHREVIE Pick a record. Any record. (CONTIN ED) I _ BETE._ W"na t ? SH REVIE Pick a record! Beth moves over to the record rack and pulls out a recoil She holds on to it, not sure what Shrevie wants. SHREVIE (CANTINU-NG) What's the hit side? BZT??I 'Dream.' The Everly Brothers. SHREVIE Ask me what's on the flip side? BETH Why? SE E Ask me what's on the flip side. BETH What's on the flip side? SHREVI Bird Dog. 1951. You don't ask me things like that. Do you? Never! BETH L?? Because 1 don't give a shit! cares about the flit side? i SHRED =E I do I He gen t 1y th=bs through a han d _u1 ezP records SH .EVIE /. (co\i Linuin c.) Every one of these means something. The label. The producer. The year they were made. Who was copying whose style or expanding on it. hear these and they bring back certain times in my life. (he stares at HER COLDLY) Dcn't ever touch these again. Ever. He starts cut of the room. He turns back to Beth. (CC 7IN ED) 63. CONTINLc.D: S I first met you at Modell's sister's high school graduation party.- 1955. .'Ain't That a Shame' was playing as I walked in the door. He exits and slams the door shut. CUT TO: E27. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY Boogie drives down the quiet street and pulls over in front of Shrevie's modest duplex. He quietly exits his Desoto and walks up to the front door. He rings the door- bell and waits. Beth opens the door. She holds some Kleenex in her hand. BETH -Oh, hi. Boogie. He notices she looks upset, but says nothing. BOOGIE Shrevie here? BETH No. BOOGIE Is he coming back soon? I talked with hi a littl_ while azo. Said he'd be in. BET I don't kno:a . She starts to cry. Boogie puts his a= --.s around her and -holds her close. - BOOGIE What's wrong, babe? BETH He ever yell at you? BOOGIE Uh a t? (CONSI:NJEO) 64. CONi INT cD (CHOKING BACK HER TEARS) I don't know wn'at to do. We've got a real problem. BOOGIE (stroking her hair) Go on, cry. Just - cry, babe. They stand in the doorway. Beth. crying uncontrollably. .Boogie holding. her. Comforting her. CUT TO: E=. FENWICK' S BROTHER'S FiCUSE - NIGHT Fenwick and his olc:er brother FOWARD stand in the driveway arguing. It is dark, the main source of light coning from a wrought iron lamp post ca the property. The house - in design. -THROUGH T? -?ICTL - - --- - is large, very modern WINDOW we see small rhi? dzen at play in the living room. FZ1 WI C'c? He's in trouble. Don't you know about friendship, Howard? HOWARD Five hundred dollars? FZNWICX Four hundred, three hundred. at ever you can afford. HOWARD Maybe this is a lesson for yoi2. If you worked, you would have some money to lend him. - FEV JICX - - Yeah, I know. I'm irresponsible. Dropped out of college. Won't work in the family business. I'm a disgrace. That's a good reason for keeping me out of your house, God knows. HOWARD You're a bad example. F 41 C.< Far be it from me to disagree. (i?ORE) (CONTINUED) CONS: UED FENWICK (COIN' D) Give me s cme money , 7,oward . - HOWARD You ever read a book? FENWICK Huh? HOWARD Read. Do you ever read? ??YWICK Never. HOWARD You should read Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People.' FENWI CK I have it or. ny night table. It's right under 'Hew to Wax Your Car.' Give me some money, Howard. HOWARD Where did you get this attitude? r.ti^WI C 1 I borrowed it. Have-to have it back by midnighr. Howard. Fenwick sta. ?s to pace the driveway. His anger is build- ing . H OWA RD I should talk to Daddy about stopping your trust fund. It s killing your initiative. FE YWIC'?. BI ¦. g trust -%:nd. One ht.dred dollars a month until I'm twenty-ch_ee. Granddad was a real Rockefeller. Suddenly Fenwic'k lunges at his brogher, grabbing his over- coat by the lapels, pushing him up against the la,.;p post. FEN'WIC (CONTINUING) Howard, it's important. (MORE) (CO;?°TI `b?D) C0NTINU-D . FRNWICK (CONT'D) -come--0-the7Wi--s-e -dc1Z like to see you, so you know it's FL- very important.. HOWARD Get of?. FE;WICK I despise you and 'yet I'm here. HOWARD Get off. Fenwick lets go of him and starts toward his care FENWICK Funny. As a little kid I always wanted a brother. I told that to Mom once. She said, 'You have a ?rother. ' I said, 'Ch, thaws who the asshole in the other bed Fenwick gets in his Tri=ph and pulls away, Howard shakes his head in disgust. D r Cu TO: EXT. MOV t.E Tr.?T - NIG'T Eddie and Billy walk toward the theatre. he marquee reads: "La Dolce Vita." F.?D; So, what are you going to do? B ILLY It's up to her. Her? Ycu've got a big decision to make. We could make it a double wedding. They reach the box office and hand over a dollar apiece and get t-.;o tickets in return. CU TO: I Iti'T. LOBBY - NIGHT V 11 i EGUi?_;0?`?L`?s there t o CA dV -C L::L?r. No popcorn, and only coffee is served as abeverage, EDDIE What the hell's going on here? Nothing to eat. BILLY It's an art theatre. EDDIE (THROWING BILLY A LOOK) Puck art. They oughta get some popcorn in here. They head into the theatre. CUT TO: I NT . THEATRE - -NIGHT 'r"hle fiLr is in progress. A statue of Christ is being fl(,w-n across Rome, dangling from wires as a helicopter carries it. Eddie upon seeing this turns to Bi11y. EDDIE h W at arnnl I watching? It just started and I dcn' t k:.cw what's HAPPENING BILLY It's syrbol_c. EDDIE Yeah? He gives Billy the -"jerk -of"' me icn,- CUT TO: EXT. NATIVE`? SCE'TE - NIGHT The CAMERA PANS the faces of the three wise men, then cores to rest on Fenwick's face. After a beat his half pint comes into view and he takes a swig. He shakes his head in disgust. As we MOVE BACK we -see that the Eby Jesus is gone. Fenwick is very bothered by this. (CJ "rI`;L=D) CONTIm.J) - --- __ E=` i - - - Kids . Kids did this. A sacrilege for Chris'saka.. He sits down on the hay next to one of r.he sheen. He - takes another sprig on the bottle. CUT TO : INT. S':?REVIZ'S CAR - NIGHT Shrevie drives along, still coming down from his fight with Beth. As he moves alozig we see St. Agnes an the right up ahead. The Nativity display cannot be seen clearly. We MOVE CLOSER. CLOSER.. Shrevie notices something unusual. Out of curiosity he paya clcser attention. We see the Nativity scene more clearly now. Everything is zhe same except F enw-ick has replaced the Baby Jesus. - He Iles there next to the figure of Mary in his jockey shorts. Because of the scale ofrthe display, Fer.wick locks like an enormous baby. Shreve slams on his brakes and pulls over to the curb. He quickly gets out c16 the Hudson and walks uo the slope toward the manger. CUT. TO: INT. MO v IE THEA- - NI CHT Eddie is bored to death. He sits in the chair his eyes drooping, fighting to stay awake. Billy is con Le ely involved. Suddenly a Light flashes on them. They turn, toward the source. An zSH=R stands holding a flashlight Shrevie is rh him. S H EVIE (to the usher) That's t'e guys . (tU Billy and Eddie) Come on[ Emergency! B ILLY What is it? (C0NTINV D) COLT INIJ D : SHREVIE Come on!! The guys quickly get u EDDIE What's wrong? SHRE VIE Fenwick' s in the manger. As they head down the aisle: B ILLY What? SHREVIE He's in the manger and he won't leave. EDDIE The manger? _ _ - - - SH :E VIE I've never seen him like this. They e-%--;t through the swinging doer to the lobby. CUT TO EX 77. ST. AGNZS CHURCH - NIGHT Fenwick happily lies in the manger sprawled out in the hay. Alt :cuzh he is almost naked, he seems i..?;:.ne to the chid night air, However, his battle certainly helps as a warmer. He h=s "Little Town of Bet.-lehem." The guys core across the church ground. Fen-,rick sees them and smiles. E NWI CK Come, three more wise men You've heard of the m EDDIE Let's go, Fen. FE. TI; CK You must have traveled far, Rest your weary feet. (CO:VTINLED) CCNTIN IED : BILLY T:.e price will be-here. Somebody's going to spot you. FENWICK This is a big smile. Don't you t`_: ink? SHREVIE Yeah, come on. - The guys prod him on. Fenwick will have none of it. Billy reaches down to help Fer:wick up. Fenwick pushes hi= awa-. FENWI CK NOT Eddie and Shrevie try to help out. Fenwick struggles with them. He grabs hold of a wise man. 3illy tries to pull him off it. The wise man topples over. The guys co itimue to struggle with him. Billy is knocked b.ckward and part ,of the s t=uctur-e rails down. - CL-' T0: 12N7. FOLI CE CAR - NIGHT Two men drive along, patroling the street. Off to the right they see what is happening in the NaLiv ty display. It looks like a riot-has broken out in the manger. A sheep suddenly sails through the air. The SI .E WAILS. EXT. CHURCH GROUND - NIGHT h T e guys are still struggl ing with Fenwick. Everything is a mess. They hear the SIREN and the activity quickly comes to a halt. As the police apprcac:h-, the guys stand very still. rhe three guys are standing side by side. Ferur_ck is i= the hay. In an odd way it looks like a new version of the Nativity. EDDIE (out of the side of his mouth) What do we do? F BILLY Cho ice. CUT TO : IiTr. LOCK-UP - NI(= r enrrick is in a call alone. Eddie and Shrev__ are in the calm moo-him- Billy ZS l?acrosssfro ?h - locked up with another guy. The lights are low. Fenwick and Shrevie are asleep. Billy and Eddie stand by the bars talking to one another. EDDIE I added a cou ple killer questions to the test. Tomorrow night's the showdown. BILLY She studying hard? EDDIE Better be. Otherwise she's off to Cuba alone. BILLY Wish I knew what to do about Darbara. The CELL MATE stars pu rirg his - 6ing ers in Bil iy' s - ha{ r .-.- Billy pushes him away. He tries to ignore him. LDDIE Get married. Take her back to school. Get a part time job. By the time the kid arrives you'll have your Masters and all's well. BILLY And what about her job? EDDIE, Her job? I give you an answer and you confuse it by bringing her into the problem. Billy pushes the guy away again. B ILLY (to the csllr.ate) Take a walk. O EDDIA) Ed, she's in this thing. There's two or US. She loves her work and... and she doesn't want to marry me. That's the bottom line. EDDIE C -You're dealing with an irrational girl. (:LORE) (CONTINUED) CCN'TINT ED : EDDZ -MCPN-T ) 4 That's your problem. Billy pushes the guy away, from h; again. B ILLY Listen, find somewhere else to stand, buddy. GUY What's wrong, cutie? Am I bothering you? EDDIE You heard him, back off. The guy grabs at Billy. Billy pushes h iLm off. GUY You going to do something about it? (he grabs at -bdm again).. Huh? EDDIE (YELLING) Back off him, sa:uck! GUY (TO BILLY) You. going to do some th_rg about it? Huh? Huh? Huh? Billy pushes the s-uy back against the 'ha' 1, than noes into a boxing stance. B ILLY (VERY CALMLY) You want to fight? That what you want? Cane on. Come on, you son- of-a-bitch,. I'll hit you so hard I'll kill your whole ` _ amil ;r. Billy stands there waiting. The guy doesn't know what to make of this threat. He could be dealing with a real tough kid. He looks at Billy, unsure wheth.:r to tes` hi^. Billy stands ready. Eddie watches. After a few seconds the guy sits down or. the cot. Billy sneaks Eddie a look and smiles. T I POLICE STATION - NIGHT Billy, :dd=e, Shrevie and their FA7r_'RS walk dcwn the police corridor. EDDIE' S FA :=R We cared Jimmy's father, but he said he wouldn't post bail until the morning. He wants to teach him a lesson. CAY-71RA PANS TO Billy and his Father. BILLY'S FATHER We get back from Florida, open the door aid the p-olice call. T BILLY That's what I call gcod ti .ing. How's M.om? BILLY'S FATHER She's fine. I thought you were going to .come _dowa for a __few days--_ after the school break. BILL Y Things came up. THE y round a cor::er. . CAS RA HOLDS on the empty co id.c r . CLRI TO ? TYSALna1 _ r v L.z, ru ..? g y n Boogie is finishing putting rollers in a middle4.ge WOMAN' S hair. W OREL One of these days I ray try another hairstyle, not yet. BOCCI Whenever you're ready. Boogie notices Beth enter the store. She looks around, then approaches Boogie. BETH Hi, Bocg. BOOGIE (with a hairpin in his mouth) Beth. (CO.1TIN ) R CONTINUED BETH -Is t . 'Sc?iTHw??- - BOOGIE He'll be back. He went down the street for some donuts and coffee. What's up? He puts the last curler in place. BETH Well, you know, we're all getting our hair done for the wedding. Boogie leads the Woman toward the hair dryers. Beth follows. BETH (CONTINUING) The bridesmaids, the whole group. And I'm i.i charge of making sure that Mr. Sol can handle us. Without any problems. . Maybe have -- ?:ccra cperat=s cr -somethi:.g. Boogie sits the Wort dcwnr under the dryer and turns it on. he hands her a magazine. BOOGIE (to the Woman) Here's the Saturday Evening Post. (TO -BETH) I don't knew what.he's planned. BET:D You're not working t at day, are you? A stocky set GUY, enters the salon. Bccgie notices. BOOGIE No. So, I guess he's got scWet hi.ng arranged; - - - - i::= Guy motions for Beo,gie to come over. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) He'll be back. Wait around. Bcogie walks to the front of the store where the Guy waits. (CON TIN B) 75. CONTINUED: ID (CONTINUING) How you doing, Tank? Tank nods for Boogie to follow. They exit the beauty salon. CUT TO: EXT. BEAUTY SALON - DAY Tank and Boogie come out of the shop and walk around the side of the building that leads into a small alley. TANK You had a payment to make. BOOGIE Yeah, I'll have it tonight. TANK Suppose to have it last night. No one in the office.got a call. BOOGIE It was a mistake. Forgot. Tonight. I've got some bets that I've called in. I'll have it. Tank looks Bookie straight in the eye. T.-L K Don't bullshit me, Boogie. BOOGIE S?caight. I'll have it. Tank starts to turn away. He quickly tu=-ns back and punches Boogie with a hard fist to the stomach. Bccgie doubles up. His breathing comes hard and fast. ir-no do you think you're fucking with? You think this is kids stuff? He pushes the now helpless Bocgie against the wall. TANK (CONTINUING) You think this is fun and games? Little game that kids play, huh? (CONTINUED) 75A. CONTINUED: H-e -s' ?? ar ouz d--t:re head- TANK ( TON:INUI-NG) 'Cause, I'm not amused. Tonight, Boogie. No if-ands-or-buts. Tank walks away. Boogie slowly straightens up, takes in a few breaths and feels. his stomach. CUT TO: INT. BEAUTY -SALON - DAY (NIINUTES LASER) Boogie enters the shop. BEAUTICIAN Boogie, there's a call for you. Boogie having gotten himself together now walks over to phone and answers it- BOOGIE. Hello? C=-701? Just -tilinking about you. What? The flu? Are you sure? 102, yeah, that doesn't sound good. Okay, babe. Take care. I'll call and check up on you. Feel better. 'Bye. (C0NbIbvi.ED) CONTINUED: So-o h: ",,s- up -bra - He's in deep trouble. He looks across the room at Beth who sits in a chair reading a magazine. He watches her. Thoughts race across his .ind. He walks over to her and sirs down. BOOC:E (CONTINUING) Feeling better today? BETH I'm not crying. That's about the only improvement. Thanks for last night. I needed someone to just be there. BOOGIE Felt like old times, you kZow. Standing Li, the doorway. (a small laugh) Like I was dating you main. BETH Boog,,,when we were dating, cfid YOU care fcr me? B00GI= Sure I did. BETH 11o: because you could do things to me, but because you cared? BOOGIE Of curse, Beth. There were plenty of girls for that, you know, if a guy wanted a pop. But I got to tell you, you were real good. was ? BCOGIZ Believe me. BETH How would I rate? BOOGIE Right up there. We had some good nights. Still think about those times, and that's long ago. CC:V'TINL ED Beth locks away. Her eyes start to tear up. She is on the edge of-breaking dawn. BETH I don't have any sense what I'm like any-.ore. Don't ?--,ow what I am. If what I wear is nice. If I look pretty... just lost all sense of me. BOOGIE I don't know what Shrevie doesn't tell ya, but you have nothing to worry about. Yoi're a definite looker. A sexy lady. (A BEAT) We should get together sometime. They sit in the chairs, looking off in opposite directions. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) Shrevie going over to Eddie's for Elyse's football test? BETH Yeah? Are you going? BOOGIE No. BE H Can we get together tonight, Bcog? Boogie has accomplished what he warts. Bu= he's not happy about it. BOOGIE Yes. CUT TO: 1'.'7L. TELE ]rS ION STATION - NI(7r.T Billy and Barbara walk dowr. the corridcr. Billy is angry. BILLY It's mine as well. I have something to say in this as well. Don't I? (COI; 1 NTJE ) I 1 CONTINUED (SPEAKING QUIETLY) I'm not talking about doing anything drastic, an abor pion or anything like that. BILLY Well, I get the feeling I'm not even included. BARBARA Keep your voice down. BILLY I'm half responsible for this MESS T BARBARA Plea--e. Don't be so loud. She sees a door and opei:s it. BAP3APA (CONTINUING) In here. r Billy enters. She closes the door bei.ind. CUT TO INT . ANNOLNCBR' S BOOTH - DAY i'. ROUGH THE, GLASS PARTITION we see the control roc= and the Stu io floor belc-w. There is some actiTi`y gci g on in preparation for. the rRd-day newscast. B ILLY Have you been to the doctor yet? - BIA?3A ..A. BILLY Why not? BAZBAPA I'm afraid to. Ccnfi-. your worst fears, as they say. CUT TO. '6R IN-77- CONTROL BOO -LE, - DAY J S t e c.--". I C an e c ing o u t equ;pmentprio. to a tie In the b.g., THROUGH THE-GLASS PARTITION, we see Barbara and Billy talking in the s:=all announcer's booth. On the monitors above we see the daily soap operas. The audio to one of them is on. The audio an asks for voice checks on the floor microphones. CUT BACK TO: INT. ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH B ILLY What do we do? Don't you think we should explore the situation? Barbara sits on the desk. A small light is d;rectly behind her. At prese.it it is not on. BARBARA - I can't believe' this' happened. I'm hardly the adventurous type. Some:.ow i:. Just dcesn' t see= fair. CUT BACK TO: TNT. CONTROL BOOTH, The audio man completes his audio check. Directly behind him we see Billy and Barbara IN THE GLASS BOOT;:. 'ie picks up a paper and puts his feet up on the audio c:, nscle. Accidentally, he kicks on a switch. CU BA Ci, bO: I' T . A.?N:1OL'NC:.R' S BOOT'ri The li?^z behind Barbara turns red. BARBARA And that makes iL very difficult. CU i BACK TO INT. CONTROL ROOM - DAY h T e soap opera continues. We hear the AUDIO TO T::L SHOW. A couple is- having l=ch in a restaurant. (CONTI-NUED) COh"TINL D : T L a ?L -t.&ar??l y_an .?i-raab r -S- ' U41 to '-?trtra .::sV h but very low key. SOAP OPERA MAN He's very, very ill SOAP OPERA WOMAN You were there? BARBARA'S VOICE I have a great affection for you, Willy. You're my closest friend. SOAP OPERA WOMAN If he dies, what will we do? CAMERA HOLDS an the soap opera ncnicvrs, the audio man who reads the paper, and Billy and Barbara in the b . g . BARBARjA ' S VOICE I won't marry you, not out of -_convetaence. - - - -- -- - SOar OPERA M..NL I th_nk we should wait. BARBARA'S VOICE Not because it's the thing to do. God, I sound disgustingly brave. CUT TO: LAT. IDDIE' S CLUB CELLAR - t?IG?iT F.d?;ie's We are LOOKING UP a flight of ste;.s. A door ovens. Father stands there. EDDIE' S F Ai :ER (YELLING DOWN) ----How's she doing? S}iPEJiE (O.S.) Elyse has about a 72 so far, but she's hitting a bad streak. Eddie's Father comes down the steps. We see Shrevie, Fen- wick, Modell, and Billy gathered. The basemen has a bar with neon lights around it, so as to set it off as a show- piece in the room. The walls are knotty pine. - (CJa;1: tJED) T T CCNTTNUED : Eddie and Elvse_are _not-in the rocn:_ They _a-e_j lat:ndry room. The door is partial l.y open. We hear: EDDIE (O.S.) Before the Cleveland Browns Joined the NTL they were in another league. what was it .-abed? 'ELYSE (O.S.) Another league? EDDIE (O.S.) Yes. Lo n g pause. The guys eagerly await the answer. ELYSE (O.S.) I don't know. Shrevie shakes his head and makes a mark on a piece of paper. BILLY What's it now? SH?,r VIE I don't know an more. Maybe about a 67. BILLY Passing is 65? SE E VIE Yep. EDDIE (0.S.) Buddy Young played for a team 't a.t no longer exists. what was the name of that tea=? All the guys lock at one ano then . A very tough gtpesticn. EDDIES FA%:ER Anybody know that? Ncr.e of the guys have the faintest idea. ELYSE (O.S.) The New York Yankees football team. INUED) CONTINUO : EDDIE . (0 . S . ) TU-9 MODELL The New York Yankees footba?l team? EDDIE'S r1iHER They were also in the American Conference. I contributed that question. EDDIE (O.S.) h T at was the lrngest run from scrimnaga by a rookie in his first game? S HREVIE Alan Ameche. EDDIE (0.S.) We heard that in here. I'm disqualifying that question.- ELYSE (O.S.) I knew that. 79 yard run. Opening day 1955. EDDIE (O.S.) Sorry, Elyse. BILLY You blew that, Shrevie. S E "IIE Sorry. I got exc.ted. It's one of the few questions I k-:et-:. BILLY How many more? I don't knew. I've Lest count. The door to the ton of the stairs opens. EDDIE' S O N THE? stands there. + EDDIE' S MOTHER Elyse's mother is on the phone. How's she doing? EDDIE'S rA'?HER The guys think it could go either way. (CONTI`TUED) CONTINUED : EDDIE' S MCTILR E t_ er way. ay. - Shecloses the door.- EDDIE (U.S.) The Colts siged him. A Heisma-n trophy winner who decided to play in Canada. Now, however, he plays for the team. What's his name. The CA?ZRI A PANS the faces of the guys. -ErlYSE (C.S.) Heis=an trophy winner. L.G. Dupre. EDDIE (O.S.) No. Billy Vessels. Er.YSE (U.S.) I should have known tha - EDDIE (0:?.? 'Should ofs' don't count. FZ'YWI CK Vessels. Out of Oklahoma. MODELL She could of racked up points on that one. , : : VIE I have no idea what the score is now. MCDE`- T. Want to bet she goes do,.-n, for the count? aDL (0.5.) -T ast question. The guys and Eddie's Father c ghc:2n up. Tension fibs the room. EDDI: (O.S.) (CONTINUING) The Colts had a team here, lost the franchise, then got one from Dallas. What were the colors of the original Colt team? CO:tT HUED) CONTINL`ED : Woo. A ball buster. MODELL ( :.soling to himself) The original colors? EDDIE'S FAT:R Also my question. ELYSE (O.S.) Original colors? Green and gray. -EDDIE (0. S - ) Right. B ILLY (Jumping up and APP LAUDING) A real scrapper! Tough question and she pulls it out of a hat. The other guys don't share his excitement. BILLY (CONTINUING) Come on, guys. Green and gray. Any of ycu guys know that? Cone on. -Give her credit. n T I I9 We hear EDDIE'S. VOICE. The guys quickly "shhhs doom. SHRE IZ Tct<,l's coming up. EDDIE (O.S.) True and false. 72. Multiv?e choice. 58. MODELL __- _ Killer choices. Conf::sing. EDDIE (C.5.) Short answer. 64. Eddie totals. The guys wait. BILLY What do you think? MO DELL Pick 'em. . ( C 0 NT INLED) I CCH' INUED : Eddie' 5-Father walks the war EDDIE (0.S.) The tocal is... 63. I ELYSE (O.S.) OH NOT r E WI CK A cliff hanger. .BILLY Two points. S HREVIE What do you think he'll do? EDDIE' S FATHER He'll give it to her. Good sportsmanship is worth two points. The door -to the ? aundry room -opens. Eddie steps into the - room. He looks at the guys and his Father. EDDIE The marriage is off. CUT TO: INT. BOOGIE'S CAR - NIGHT He sits in the car and waits. Beth comes out of the house and dc--m the walk. She gets in the, car-and s la:.s the dcc m shut. She is excited. She leans over and kisses Bccgia on the cheek. BETH W' ere are we going? - BOOGIE - - Ferwick' s apa_ amen t . He hands her a long blonde wig. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) Here, put this on. BE TRY What's that for? (C0INTINJZD) CONTIN=M : - BOORI° __ Case someone sees us. 'They might .think you're Carol Heathrow, or somebody like that. She slips the wig on her head and straightens it out, BETH How's it look? BOOGIE Fine. Jus t fine. 'they 'drive away. CUT TO EXT. \EDDIE' S HOUSE - NIGHT Fenwick and Shrevie walk out the front door. From inside we hear YELLING AND SC3E.L NG between- Eddie and -his _-parents SHREVIE You going up to the direr? FENWI C+. No, got to validate the Heathrow bet. SHREVI? Christ, yeah, of course. They approach their cars. (CONTINUING) fen, you mind if I came along? Fenwick thinks about it. SII; VIE (CCNTINSI_NG) I won't matp a so=d. FF_.T i I CX It's a small closet. Gotta be will. SHRVIE Great. ,: They get into Fenwick's car and dr.-;e off. CUT TO : -EXT . S T REZE T - NIGHT Boogie drives his Desoto along. Beth, wearing the blonde -" Grp; s shy a.s si4e. CUT TO: EXT. S TR Z T - MIGHT Fenwick's Triumph turns.a corner and heads down another street. CUT TO : INIT. CAR - NIGHT FENWI CK The flip side of Donna? SHREVIF. Easy. La Bamba. CUT TO : INT. BCCGIE' S CAR - NIGHT Boogie is uncomfortable. Knowing what he is about to do is wrong. Beth is silent. - CUT TO: F INT . F =ti'WICK' S AFAR TNT - NIGH Fenwick and Shrevie enter the dark acar t=enc. Fenwi ck doesn:' t t.:,-m on the lights. They nog c toward the bedroom. CUT TO: --- INT.--BEDROOM - NIGHT -. The room is 'dark.' A shaft of light corning through a win- dow offers the only source of illumination. Fen-wick opens the closet door. Shrevie steps inside. F-NWICK 1 You crouch. I'll stand. Shrevie kneels down. Fenwick enters and closes the door. It. retains about four inches open. CUT TO: SHREVIE (O. S . ) Fine with me. Good view. CUT TO: EXT . r EN'WI C:X' S APARTMENT - NIGHT Boogie and Beth are walking toward the apar O_r.: building. BOOGIE You've got to be real quiet inside. No talking. BETH I think you're a little paranoid. The walls are very, very thin. Promise? BET;I Sure. They approach the door. Boogie unlocks it. He starts co open the doer, then closes it. He's changed his mind. BOOGIE Let's go. He takes her by the a= and leads her away. Beth is ccn- fused. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) It's a mistake, Beth. Bet or no --BET- BETH What? They approach the car. Bocgie opens the door. Beth gets inside. BE'? :-i (CONTINUING) What are you talking about? Boogie closes the door and goes around to his side. He gets in, starts the engine and pulls away. CUT 70 INT. BEDROOM - ANG't ON r-: SLIGHTLY OPENED CLOSET DOOR - NIGHT FENW1C{ (O.S.) They should be here now. SH VIE (C..S.) Let's wait. C. T TO INT. CAR - NIGHT Boogie is very urser, with hi=self. Beth is calm. SHE HOLDS the blonde wi'g in tier lap. BETH I was suppose to be Carol Heathrow? BOOGIE That's right. Sick thing to do. I'm real sorry. They drive i.^. silence. Beth plays with the blonde hairs of the wig. BET: Thank you., BOOGIE For what? BETH At least you had enough respect for me to call it Off. That says a lot. A beat. BOOGIE Shreve and you should work out ya t t:.i_^.g B;.-r-: T wish I k=ew what to do. 300GIE I'm not real good at talking to girls when there's problems and all. With me, if I have a hassle with a girl, I just split. But you guys should try something. -It would be worth it. CUT TO: EXT. SHREVI AND BETH'S HOUSE - NIGHT Bowie's car is culled over. -Beth's door is openand she stands on the curb talking to Boogie inside the car. BETH What are you going to do about the money? Boogie szugs his shoulders and smiles at her, BOOGIE Take care, babe. Beth closes the door: Boogie drives his Desoto away. Btth watches him as he disappears down the street. CUT TO: TNT. STRIP JOINT - NIG'iT -Bil Ly and Eddie are in one of the clubs on Baltimore's famous Block. In the b.g. a bored STRIPPER goes through. the mo tions. The' drier thz.:. -?ps out a monotonous beat and a saxophonist drones away,- A few sailors and some other customers sit at cables around the stage area. All t h e tables have wooden =a? lets . When the Stripper does something they especially like they pound the table with tr.Le mallets. Billy and Eddie both have beers and chasers in front of then. Billy sips the chaser and his body actually shakes from it for a few seconds. BILLY There is no reason to actually like this, you know that. EDDIE An acquired taste BILLY No matter-how long -I drink- whiskey I still don't like it. He takes another sip, and once again shakes. Then he sips the beer. BILLY (CONTINUING) Now beer's another story. (CONT INUED) 91. CONTINUED Eccie watches t::e Stri pa= zn owing a few bps an g in s. EDDIE You know something? BILLY What? EDDIE I don't Iike strippers. I mean, so they show a little here and there. So what? But, give me a coc. rle of ranoosas in a pink sweater.., look out? BILLY Remember the first time we became aware of breasts on girls? EDDIE Arlene Stowe. BILL Y Showed up for the new school year and there they were. EDDIE Seventh grade. BILLY We gave little Joel Cher--I a nickel -apiece to find cut is they were real. Told him to be slnbcle. He walked over, reached uc and grabbed. T::rned to us and yelled, 'They're real!' EDDIE The whole thing with girls is painfu?. And it keeps getting acre painful... instead of easier. Billy downs his beer and orders tT,o more. BILLY Remember 'copping a feel'? Boogie was the first. Said it was great. So, when I tcck out Ruth Ray I figured I had to do it. EDDIE Ruth Ray, eighth grade. CC CONTINUED: Right. Sat on the couch in her club cellar for hours, trying to figure out a way to get my arm arc:,tzid her. Finally, I learned the 'move.' I yawned and put my arm around her shoulder. He demonstrates on Eddie.- BILLY (CONTINUING) I Then came the big task of getting my hand down to her-breast. By the time I worked un the nerve to move down, I realized my arm was asleep. Figured out there wasn't enough time to take it back, ge6 the feeling again, acid start over. Had to be in by eleven. Time was running out. So, I move toward- the breast -with my arm - ----- asleep. My first copping a feel was like this. - He bangs his limp arm against Eddie's chest. He bps it again. BILLY (CONTINUING) Next time I saw the guys they said, 'Did you cop a feel?' I said, 'Yeah.' 'How was it?' 'Great.' Eddie laughs and Billy joins in. CJ1 TO: ---EXT. -DINER - NIGHT R Bocgie pulls into te diner parking lot. Fenwick and Shrevie race over to the car. Boogie opens the door. 17; Bong, you should get outta here. Tank's Inside. Boogie gets out of the car and slams the door shut. He looks coward the diner and thinks a moment. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: S HR VIE tiny Con ycu wait until he splits? BOOGIE He'll just keep looking for me. He starts toward the diner. BOOGIE (CONTINUING) Hand's dealt. Might as well play the cards. The guys hang behind? Boogie continufts on. Inside the diner we see Tank moving along the aisle toward the door, Boogie heads for the door. Just as he reaches it, Tank steps outside. - TANK Boag.. BOOGIE' Tank. -- TANK Lucky can. BOOGIE That so. TA K Yeah. The Bagel just raid off your debt. Boogie looks at him, trying to size up the situation. Wcnderirg if he's r=ning a nurbey for scale reason. B COG I E We're even? Straight? TA K T'hat's the story. Tank starts past Boogie. BOOGIE TANKS Tank tu :s. Boogie slams his fist into his stcWach. Tank drops to one knee in pain. (CC'TTINL' C) 94. CONTINUED: OUGIE (CONTINUING) I still owed you that. He enters the diner. Fenwick and Shrevie are amazed by what just happened. CUT TO: INT. DINER - NIGHT Boogia approaches Bagel wL_o sits at a booth alone. He JOINS HI-- BOOGIE Thanks, Bagel. BAGEL Your mother called. She was frantic. So, out of respect for your -f at:.er. - - - He sips his coffee. Then h,.i picks up a toasted bagel and butters it. BAGEL (CONTINUING) Your mother feels you're just wasting your t4---e in law school it's not for you. BCOGIE Probably right. BAGEL Ccee to work for me. There's a lot of money to be made in the home improvement business. You'd be very good at it. Boogie thinks about it. Bagel chews on his bagel. BOOGIE Well, I was only really using law as a come=on for the girls. They like that. But, what the hell. (HE SMILES) I can always lie. The waitress passes.. (CCNTIB3UED) 95. CONTINUED VVGIH (CONTINUING) Enid, some french fries and gravy. BAGEL Call the two thousand an advance. BOOGIE I'll work for you... for awhile. Then, I'll have to move on to bigger things. ,.BAGEL Always a dreamer, eh, Boog? BOOGIE If you don't have good dreams, Bagel, you've got nightmares. He flashes him a smile. CUT -TO tNT. STRIP JOINT - NIGHT Billy and' Eddie are still dri^king at the bar. They are not drunk, just ve-cy happy. EDDIE I'll tell you one chinz that happens when you get mcrried. You have to give up your old friends. Billy listens to the music, slapping his thighs, crying be get the band to pick up the beat. EDDIE (CENT INUING ) idle wi Fe wants you to get new friends. 'Cause me and you have secrets she'll never know. And new friends can never be as good, 'cause we've got a history. BILLY It won't change, only if we let it. Billy keeps ,slapping his thighs, but the dr.:mmer and the saxophonist continue on, unaware of Billy's private urgings. (CONTINUED') C0N.II'LcD : BITT Y f nti- Yirg? This is getting me crazy. Billy goes toward the small stage. BILLY (O.S.) (CONTINUING) Come on, guyst Pick up the beat! They don't respond. Eddie sits at the bar amused. Billy claps his hands to a strong rhythm, but of course, the guys pay no attention. Billy goes up on the stage and pulls a cover off a small piano in the corner. He sits down and runs his fingers down the keyboard, then starts to play. It bas a nice, pleasant sound to it. The dr er and the saxophonist stop, not knowing what to do. The Stripper also stops. The club bouncer at the front door turns toward the stage, notices something is wrong and makes his way forward. Billy's "piano playing becomes more intense. Stronger. He drives the keys hard. Full tilt rock ane roll. The sound becomes infectious. The sailors and other customers pick up the beat. One after another they start to pound the tables with the wooden mallets. Eddie moves toward the stage banging empty beer battles together . The saxophonist joins Billy. Then the dry--?e,. The Stripper stands by the side of the stage watching. The music builds. Billy's fingers pound the piano. Eddie jL ps up on the stage and starts dancing around. He grabs the Stripper and they jitterbug. The sailors and other customers are cn their feet, banging .the mallets Cr. the tables for all they are worth. A room full of dr-=..e,s. The Lemon heightens. Billy kicks back the stool a la Jerry Lee Lewis. The crowd cheers. The bouncer cheers along. The saxophonist struts the stage playing his heart out. The dr'er drives the bass dr.:.m with his foot. His hands sweep back and forth across the skins. Eddie's feet are flying. Enthusiasm over grace. The Scrip per is a whirlwind of motion and sexuality. The tempo is fierce. (COVTI:TLZJ) F C0NTTNLED: Ril i" _lMI IkC tZtT ?' ??rt ,,..-,p n ? ca vnn?+nn r? The .sc builds, and bu=lds, and t.,en altogether they s u.. WW&A. e place e:cplodes in cheer and applause, CUT TO: EXT. TFZ BLOCK - NIGHT Billy and Eddie walk with their arms around the Stripper. They are enjoying one another. EDDIE . let's see. STRIPPER First joke you remember. RDDIE Ah, let's see. Filth ?rade. Junior Scholastic Magazine. Hic' tory hickory, doc._. _.The mouse ran . up the..,- clock. The clock struck one.,, and the other taro escaped with minor injuries.' Billy and the Stripper boo. Eddie Laughs. STRIPPER That's terrible. _ EDDIE Fifth grade huWcr. S TRIPPER Since then your hu o has moved up to the sixth grade, is that it? Eddie laughs. He enjoys the put-down. _..._ EDDIE - You're all right. STRIPPER You guys have made my night. You should come dewy, and hang out more often. EDDIE Don't think I can. Getting ma--- ' ed. Billy looks- at him. - Eddie smiles. (COii T INLTED) EDDIE (CONTINUING; TO BILLY) Figured she would have gotten the Alan Aaeche question that Shrevie screwed up. BILLY Benefit of the doubt. EDDIE Exactly. STRIPPER I love weddings. Just never found the time to settle... or wanted to. (TO BILLY) And you? BILLY No marriage. STRIPPER Got a girl? BILLY Not really. Just in love. STRIP?ER Does the girl know? BILLY Yeah, I told her about it. STRIPPER Told her? Did you show her? Billy thinks about that as they enter an all-ciaht cootee shop. CUT TO: EXT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT Billy, Eddie, and the Stripper sit in q.booth by the win- dow, eating, drinking and laeeahing. The CA?'RA SLOWLY .PULLS BACK. The first rays of morning light are breaking behind the building. The CA:"'RA KEEPS PULLING BACK. CUT TO: E cr. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY ,'vN Cc?ISHOL' rides her horse across the gently rolling hills . The ho L se and her-"are one; Grace and bra She rides OUT OF F: 'E. Seconds later Boogie rides a horse INTO FR.'%lE. He pulls up on the horse and cc .es to a stop. He watches Ann ride, then pulls up his collar on his wool overcoat and rides off. Boogie rides after Ann. Although he is not a goad rider, he pushes to pick up ground.. Finally, he pulls alongside. Ann slows her horse and Boogie does the same. BOCCIE Nice morning. ANN Yes, it is. BOOGIE Mornings I've always felt are a good time to ride. - Ann doesn't- respond. - BOOGIE (CONTINUING) (f You live around here? ANN Not around here. Here. Boogie looks around what seems like endless ccun yside. He's over,whelmed. LNN (CONTINUING) Which means you are trespassing. Boogie looks her in the eye and flashes his smile. BOOGIE -- '---I was wait ng for an invite. Ann studies him. ANN Let's ride. She kicks her horse and gallops off. Boogie follows As they ride AWAY FROM CAMERA. ANN (CONTINUING) What's your name? (COIN TIL =)) CONTINL D: BO CI ' Boogie. As in Bobby Shef tel.. They ride over a crest and disappear from sight. CUT TO: INT. BANQUET HALL - WEDDING ROOM - NIGHT The "Wedding Rcom" has been elaborately decorated. Potted blue and white flowers in stands line the aisle to the blue and white flower-d altar. The room is a festival of blue. and white. The guests sit in fold;.ng chairs eagerly waiting for, the wedding procession to begin. The MUSIC BEGINS. However, it is not the traditional wedding math but rather the Baltimore Colts'Fight Song. Even though the organist has softened it, there is still _a _"rah-rah" quality to it. The flower girl comes down the--- aisle throwing white flowers on the blue aisle. Modell with his GIRLFRIEND. GIRL RIEND What is that music? MO DELL Colt Marching Song. Sounds good, huh? The ushers come for4ar3. Boogie and Fenwick, followed by Shrevie, who walks alone. They are all smartly dressed in black tuxedos. The bridesmaids come forward. Beth and another girl. Fol- lowed by tao more girls. Followed by two more girls. Billy and Eddie start down- the aisle. Behind them is Eddie's Mother and Father. They walk on either side of his grandmother. The COLT ING SONG CONTINUES ON. Eddie sees someone sitting one seat in from the aisle. He whispers to Billy. BILLY Moon Shaw? Where? (CONTINUED) CONT ?NUZD : td t rh? -:td. B:L117 1K5 otter. BILLY (C ONTINUING) You're right? As they start to -pass, Billy leans into the row and grabs Moon Shaw by the shirt. He pulls back his fist. Jxoor is- shocked. - BILLY (CONTINUING) Hi, Moon. ° He smiles, lets him go and rejoins Eddie, having missed only a few steps. No one is quite sure what has happened. Quickly the attention is back to the wedding procession. LONG SHOT -. THE HALL --as Elyse and her -mother and --father-come down -the-ai-s7le.- CIJT TO: INT. WEDDING ROOM. - TIGHT SHOT - EDDIE'S .-AC NIGHT IAB3I (O.S.) Do you, Edward, take this woman, Elyse, to be your lawful wedded wife?' For better or worse, in sickness and in health,. until death do you part? EDDIE I do . RABBI (O.S.) Do you, Elyse... TIGH SHOT - FENWIC{' S FACE CBI (O.S.) take this man, Edward, to be... TIGHT SHOT - BOOGIE'S FACE RABBI (O.S.) your lawful wedded husband. t For better or worse... TIGHT SHOT - BILLY'S FACE R4_3BI -(O.S.) in sickness aril in health, till death do you part? TIGHT SHOT - EDDIL' S FACE ELYSE (O,S.) I do. Eddie smiles. RABBI (O.S.) I now proncui ce yot an and wife. CUT TO INT . BANQUET MALL - NIGHT -The hall is also decorated in blue and white. The table clothes, th_e napkins, ribbons, flowers, the bandstand, - -. - - - __ - ---.- the band. The six-piece band plays a nice, perky, dance t ne. Some women dance with women. Mothers dance with sons, fathers and daughters and some husbands with wives. Shrevie dances with Beth and they seem to be enjoying themselves. C.?NaRA PANS TO Fenwick and the eleventh grader, Diane. DIANE Why not travel the United States? Fr`IW CK It's been done. Europe. Europe looks like a smile. Cr=1 'RA PA NS TO Boogie and Ann C'._sho'.m. He is staetieg Co walk coward the buffet table. ANN Bobby, I think I will have a few more of. (holding up an HORS D'OEUV-E) , whatever this hors d'oeu' e is. CAA PA PAN'S TO a banner on the back wall that reads: EDDIE AND ELYSE. FOR THE 60'S AND FOREVER. CUT TO INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT (SLIGHTLY LATER) A SLOW SONG IS PLAYING. Billy- and Barbara dance. BARBARA I made arrangemefits with my boss. He said not to worry. The job was mine. BILLY That was nice of him. BARBARA So, I'll work and care for the child. It can be done. I'll just have to put up with those who want to think badly of me. BILLY That's not going to be easy. BARBARA I know The baby is ours, Billy. We can both celebrate that. You can love him just as much, spend time with him or her. Boogie and Ann pass then Boogie kisses Ann lightly on the cheek. BILLY You know what I realized just yesterday? I've been intimidated by you. I always liked you because you were strong, independent, and all. But I've been intimidated by that as well. I've always held -.back with you.- When we kissed, I held back. The same when we made Luve in New York. I keep thinking I have to be special, like normal passion wasn't proper... as if it were just too ordinary and we were beyond that. Barbara pulls away from him slightly so she can see his face. There's a sad look in his eyes. (CONTIN ED) CONTINUED : BARBARA If that's the case, think that's a hard thing to CORRECT; She kisses him, they hold each other tightly, BARBARA (CONTINUING) We've got plenty of time to find out about one another. Plenty of time. _He .kisses her. They stand still on tha dance _floor nsothers dance around them. CUT TO: INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT (LATER) Elyse stands with her BACK TO THE Holding the bouquet up toward -the eagerl - await SJ She tosses the bouquet from the stage. Seated at the table They look down at the bouquet, then at Boogie, There is a faint smile on their faces. THE END

Rev. 3/25/92 (Blue) Rev. 4/03/92 (Pink) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN written by Marty Kaplan HOLLYWOOD PICTURES PRODUCTION REVISION 500 South Buena Vista Burbank, CA 91521 March 17, 1992 (818) 560-3370 THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 FADE IN: 1 A FLASH OF LIGHT 1 A radiant shiny something dazzling in EXTREME CLOSEUP. BEGIN TITLES. CAMERA very slowly PULLS BACK. The sparkling surface turns out to be a lot of carats. WE SEE the stone, then the ring, then suddenly, in b.g., something HUGE SWEEPS by. REVEAL a mechanical claw above the ring, hanging from a crane. The ring sits in a sea of tiny dolls, joke eyeballs, and other carnival junk. The claw descends on the ring again and again, sometimes catching it for a moment then tragically dropping it -- accompanied by OOHS and AAHS (O.S.) of hope and disap- pointment. INTERCUT with the HANDS of a young black man working the controls. The EYES of a young black woman watching him work. Another guy's HANDS digging in his pocket for change. QUARTERS going into the slot. MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) This'll never work, Tommy. TOMMY (O.S.) Be positive, Armando. Course it will. The claw inadvertently snags a rabbit's foot. TOMMY (O.S.) Look. See what a lucky fuck I am? WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) He don't mean the ring, hon, he means the whole plan. TOMMY (O.S.) So do I. The claw catches the ring and closes on it. QUICK CUTS of their FACES as the crane rises. A very pretty lady. A beefy Latino with a two-day beard. Their apprehension. Tommy's confidence. Then his exceptional smile. He gets the ring. 2 INT. PENNY ARCADE - DAY 2 TOMMY Okay -- one down, one to go. (returning to the claw) You got quarters, Loretta? END TITLES. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 2. 3 EXT. FLORIDA LUXURY HOTEL - DAY 3 Palm trees. The smell of money. Valets in Foreign Legion khakis greeting arriving luxury cars. 4 INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 4 A big crowd of GUESTS at a cocktail reception. A lot of lime jackets, cherry trousers, and blue hair. People wear name tags. ON Tommy, in pastel bow tie and full waiter drag, con- firming orders for a group of guests. He speaks in a PRISSY, OVER-SOLICITIOUS VOICE: TOMMY That's a diet ginger ale, an extra- spicy virgin mary no salt, a club soda -- good choice -- a lime rickey, and a bourbon and a planter's punch. Five people, five drinks... it's Kismet! Tommy turns away, looking toward the entrance to the room. 5 INT. LOBBY - DAY - CLOSE SHOT - THE RING 5 glittering on Loretta's finger. LORETTA, stunning in designer clothing and accessories, enters. Her looks attract looks. 6 INT. FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 6 Tommy, maintaining his vantage point, repeats another order, this time in a heavy CARRIBEAN ACCENT: TOMMY That's a vodka tonic, a Pellegrino, lime and no ice, a gin Gibson straight up with ex-tra onions -- I am also fond of de onions -- and a Chardonnary spritzer...also with extra onions -- no, no, do not worry, that is just a little joke. There will be no onions whatsoever in your spritzer! He LAUGHS HUGELY, rather amused with himself. The guests aren't. GUEST You don't need to write it down? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 3. 6 CONTINUED: 6 TOMMY Mr. Memory? Do not make me laugh! He LAUGHS HUGELY, turns, takes two steps away and makes absolutely no effort to get their drinks. He looks toward the door. 7 INT. HALLWAY/ENTRANCE TO FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 7 Loretta approaches the function room, where pert DEBBIE, wearing a JOHNSON FOR CONGRESS button, staffs a felt- covered table. On a nearby easel, a photo of a silver- haired Man with a legend in blue and gold: JEFF JOHNSON. THE NAME YOU KNOW. LORETTA (Eurotrash accent) I'm not too late, am I, dear? (extending a hand) Hello, darling, Alma Preston, how are you today? DEBBIE Thanks for coming, Ms. Preston, I'm Debbie Bartle. (consulting a list) Do we have your check yet? Loretta pulls a Mont Blanc pen and a checkbook from her bag. LORETTA No, honey, I don't think you do, we just got in last night from our place in Barbados -- how much is it? DEBBIE Five hundred a person. Barbados? LORETTA (writing) Yes, we're just down the beach from Mick Jagger and Jerry. (looking up) You wouldn't turn down a couple of thousand, would you? A pleased smile from Debbie. Loretta opens the check- book, flashing the immense RING in front of Debbie. DEBBIE Um, that's a lovely ring. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 4. 7 CONTINUED: 7 LORETTA Oh, thank you. I thought it might be a little gaudy...who should I make this out to? DEBBIE Johnson for Congress. It's not gaudy, it's just...nice and big. LORETTA That's my Carlos...I can't even look in a store window. We're walking down this street in Rio, we pass a jewelry store...I didn't even turn my head and he's in the shop... (holds up ring) ...$250,000. I said it's crazy... but you know Carlos. DEBBIE I wish I did. ON Tommy watching Loretta. A Guest standing just behind Tommy -- wearing MRS. ZEKE BRIDGES name tag -- watches JEFF JOHNSON gladhand the room robustly. MRS. BRIDGES I hear they had him open for six hours. ZEKE, a very fat cigar-smoker, marvels at Johnson's appearance. ZEKE (chuckling) The sum' bitch looks terrific. Tommy, eavesdropping, joins Zeke's chuckle, which unfor- tunately turns into a wheeze and then a cough. Zeke turns to Tommy. ZEKE How about taking our orders, son? TOMMY Absolutely my friend! How can I pleasure you? ZEKE Bourbon straight up and a Perrier rocks for the lady. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 5. 7 CONTINUED: (2) 7 TOMMY Ah! Fire and ice! Wonderful! But may I suggest you make that a double sir? After all, so many guests, so few of me -- who knows when I may be back? ZEKE Sure, why not. AT THE ENTRANCE LORETTA pauses before going into the room. LORETTA You know where the powder room is, hon? I should freshen my face before I go in. DEBBIE It's just over there. ON JEFF JOHNSON with his well-groomed wife, VERA, and a barrel-chested Man in full resort wear, wearing an OLAF ANDERSEN name tag. JOHNSON So how the heck are you, Olaf? ANDERSEN I should be asking how you are, congressman. Johnson pats his chest and smiles at Vera. JOHNSON This old ticker never felt better. ANDERSEN It's good to see you back on your feet, Jeff. We need you in Washington. Inconspicuously, a pretty young redhead whispers to Vera. This is JENNIFER, Johnson's Administrative Assistant (his AA). VERA JOHNSON How's that granddaughter of yours, Olaf? Ready for the Olympics? ANDERSEN She'll be thrilled you asked after her. 8 IN THE HALLWAY Loretta emerges from the Ladies' Room... 8 catches a spike heel... recovers her balance... then frantically searches her hands and clothes, SCREAMS, and gets down on hands and knees. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 6. 8 CONTINUED: 8 LORETTA My God! My God! Oh my God! Debbie rushes over to her. DEBBIE What's the matter? LORETTA (hyperventilating) My -- my ring. My diamond. I took it off in the ladies' room to wash my hands. I was just putting it on -- I must have dropped it. DEBBIE (getting down) Let me help you, we'll find it. LORETTA Call Security! 9 IN THE FUNCTION ROOM Tommy maintains his watch on 9 Loretta. Zeke Bridges taps Tommy on the shoulder. ZEKE Hey, what about our drinks? Tommy instantly assumes an ANGRY YOUNG STREET BLACK VOICE: TOMMY Yeah? What you want? ZEKE What? You already took our order. TOMMY That wasn't me! You must be thinking of Jamal. I'm Karim. What you want? ZEKE Bourbon straight up and a Perrier rocks. TOMMY (snorts derisively) Hunh. He walks two steps...and once again makes no attempt to get the drinks. Zeke returns to Jeff Johnson. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 7. 9 CONTINUED: 9 ZEKE Don't get me wrong, Jeff. Pyramid Insurance doesn't want special breaks. I just think we ought to be able to set our own rates without Uncle Sam sticking his nose in our business. Johnson signals Jennifer to come over. JOHNSON Do you know my AA? Zeke Bridges, this is Jennifer, my Administrative Assistant. Zeke's been a tremendous help to us. I'd like you to listen to his view on health insurance. JENNIFER I'd be very happy to. ZEKE At Pyramid Insurance, we call our approach the Patient's Bill of Rights. 10 IN THE HALLWAY Loretta and Debbie are on hands and 10 knees, still looking. A pair of shoes comes INTO FRAME. They LOOK up at a bullet-headed man. BRUNO Ms. Preston? Bruno Handler, hotel security. LORETTA My ring! My ring! Oh my god...! BRUNO Now just calm down, Ma'am... can you describe the ring? LORETTA It's a diamond ring! A big diamond ring! Oh my Christ! She's frantic. Debbie takes Bruno aside. DEBBIE I saw it. It's huge... it must be like eight carats. She says it was a quarter of a million dollars! Bruno turns back to Loretta, trying to calm her. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 8. 10 CONTINUED: 10 BRUNO Ma'am... calm down. Now, is the ring insured? LORETTA Of course it's insured! But you know how it works -- if I report it, they'll cancel me. And I don't want another ring! I need this ring! The ring Carlos gave me. Bruno turns, speaks into the walkie-talkie he's carrying. BRUNO Where the fuck is housekeeping? I called for those dickheads ninety seconds ago. 11 IN THE FUNCTION ROOM the Guests have gathered to hear 11 Johnson speak. As Andersen introduces him, Tommy con- tinues eyeing Loretta. ANDERSEN Now I won't run through Jeff's record -- he's been in Congress twenty years, and I've only got two minutes. I'll just say this: When those of us in pharmaceuticals, or agribusiness, or insurance, or (indicating himself) utilities, or you name it -- when we've needed him, Jeff's been there for us. And we've been there for Jeff, too -- we raised a hundred thousand dollars today! (APPLAUSE) Without further ado, our man in Washington, Jefferson Davis Johnson. 12 IN THE HALLWAY Debbie hears the APPLAUSE (O.S.). She 12 gets up. DEBBIE I should be in there. Good luck, Ms. Preston. I hope you find it. She leaves. Loretta, mascara smeared, gets up, as does Bruno. LORETTA I can't go in there like this. God! Please... listen... I'll pay a ten thousand dollar reward for anybody who finds my ring. Just don't tell Carlos! (suddenly grim) He'll kill me. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 9. 13 IN THE FUNCTION ROOM, as Johnson takes questions, Tommy 13 slips out. QUESTIONER What do you make of all this campaign reform business, Jeff? JOHNSON Well, y'know Ernie... these days, everyone's down on the political action committees and so-called special interests. But, heck, I think you and Fran have a right to participate in our democracy in exactly the way you're doing today. I'm in Congress to represent you. I don't want any so-called reform to take that power away from you. 14 APPLAUSE (O.S.). IN THE HALLWAY Bruno issues orders to 14 two Maintenance Men. BRUNO I want every heating grate opened and inspected. I want every air conditioning duct vacuumed. Do you understand what I'm saying? AS he speaks, Bruno SEES Tommy pass through the hallway ... spot something on the floor... pick it up... furtive- ly put it in his pocket... and walk rapidly toward the door to the kitchens. BRUNO (running after him) Hey, you! Waiter! Hold it right there! Bruno puts an arm on Tommy. Tommy instantly assumes a frantic, wimpy, craven persona, along wth his CARRIBBEAN ACCENT. TOMMY No! Please! Do not report me! I will be deported! BRUNO Calm down. What've you got in your pocket? TOMMY I told the CIA everything! I agreed to poison the pineapples! My green card is in the mail! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 10. 14 CONTINUED: 14 BRUNO Stow it! I'm not Immigration, I'm hotel security. Now, what did you just put in your pocket? TOMMY Nothing. BRUNO I'm warning you, flathead, get cute with me and I will tear you a second asshole. Now a valuable diamond ring is mising... TOMMY Valuable? We can almost see the light bulb click on above Bruno's head. BRUNO Very valuable. All right, I'll give you a hunnert bucks for it. TOMMY A hundred and five? Bruno snorts agreement, goes for his wallet... Tommy goes gor the ring... then suddenly leaps back in a cringe! TOMMY No! It's a trick! You will call me a thief and send me back and the Security Police will make me stand on my head in the guano pit! I have seen such things on CNN! Bruno snaps and GRABS TOMMY BY THE COLLAR. BRUNO Jesus, I'm not trying to trick you... TOMMY No, no... it is a trap! I must turn this over to police. He starts to leave. Bruno grabs him. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 11. 14 CONTINUED: (2) 14 BRUNO Listen, dipshit... a valuable ring is missing and there's thousands of dollars in reward money waiting. So you'd better fork over... TOMMY How big is this... reward? Another lightbulb. BRUNO Um, five hundred dollars. TOMMY You said 'thousands.' BRUNO Yeah. Right. A thousand dollars. TOMMY No, no, no...you said thousands. With an 'S'. This is plural. This means "two or more thousands." BRUNO (deep sigh) Okay, you win. Two thousand. TOMMY Or more. Two or more. Bruno's had enough -- his grip tightens around Tommy's neck. TOMMY Just making a point. 15 IN HOTEL LOBBY AT THE CASHIER'S DESK Bruno slides a 15 check to the Cashier, who counts a stack of bills. Bruno picks up a house phone, dials. 16 INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY 16 ARMANDO, still unshaven, answers the RINGING phone. ARMANDO Hello? INTERCUT with Bruno in the lobby. BRUNO Hello, may I speak with Ms. Preston? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 12. 16 CONTINUED: 16 ARMANDO She's in the bathroom. This is Carlos. Can I take a message? BRUNO (smiling to himself) No, thanks, I'll call back. ARMANDO hangs up the phone and exits the hotel room. BRUNO crosses to the far side of the lobby, where Tommy waits inconspicuously. He gives him the money. Tommy gives him ring. BRUNO Now get back to work! As Tommy heads back to the function room, Bruno picks up a house phone, dials, listens. He dials again, listens. No answer. He dials the operator. BRUNO This is Bruno in Security. Put me through to 502 -- there must be something wrong with the line, I can't get an answer... What do you mean, there's no one in 502? I just spoke to them!... No one's registered in 502? Are you sure?... Well, check again!... Shit! He hangs up, looks at the ring, and realizes he's been taken. His face twisting with rage, he hurries after Tommy. 17 ON TOMMY MOVING swiftly through the function room toward 17 an exit. Zeke Bridges grabs him. ZEKE Hey! Where the hell are our drinks. Surprised, Tommy opts for an EAST INDIAN ACCENT. TOMMY I remember... you were the sloe gin fizz and the mango daquiri? With perhaps a small umbrella for the lady? ZEKE Bourbon neat and a Perrier, dammit! TOMMY And would you still be wanting the umbrella then? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 13. 17 CONTINUED: 17 As Zeke's face flushes in anger, Tommy SEES Bruno come into the room, blood in his eye. Tommy turns sharply and heads out the terrace doors to the -- 18 EXT. COURTYARD - DAY 18 Tommy conceals himself behind a pillar, across the court- yard, away from the Guests. But from another direction, Johnson and Andersen approach, arm in arm, and sit on a bench by the pillar. JOHNSON Olaf, there's something I wanted to sound you out on. As a special friend. ANDERSEN Shoot. Tommy moves away from the pillar, sees Bruno roaming the terrace, and retreats. JOHNSON I'm thinking of retiring from Congress. Andersen's eyes widen in astonishment. ANDERSEN You're what? JOHNSON I'm thinking maybe I won't run. Maybe I should listen more (indicating his heart) to this. Really appreciate these years. Sail around the world. Climb mountains. Enjoy the finer things of life. ANDERSEN Jeff. Listen to me. You can't retire. Florida needs you. I need you. I need you on rates. I need you on regulations. I need you on those environmental nutcases -- JOHNSON Olaf, if I retire this year, I get to keep all the money left over in my campaign treasury. Comes to a very tidy nest-egg. ANDERSEN How tidy? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 14. 18 CONTINUED: 18 JOHNSON One-point-three million. (chuckles) It's called the grandfather loophole. Bruno has gone. But Tommy stays. His eyes light up at the money. ANDERSEN Come on, Jeff. Look at what you'd be giving up. Going to the best resorts in the world and calling it "official business." Golfing and skiing and fishing, and never picking up a tab. And, Jeff -- there's no aphrodisiac like power. You can have some of the most intelligent, attractive women in the country. You've got it made! JOHNSON Oh, I suppose that one-point-three may seem like spare change to the head of Gulf Coast Power, but to a country boy like me -- ANDERSEN Okay, Jeff. I get it. Look. There's a little software company that's about to go through the roof. Johnson smiles at the direction the conversation is taking. ON Tommy also smiling, in admiration at the transaction going down. ANDERSEN A few thousand worth of stock options would stand to make you quite a pile. As long as your blind trust buys them, you're clean -- the SEC can't shake a stick at you. Half a million, easy -- and that's just a start. JOHNSON Well, if you put it like that... I now see I have a duty to continue my career in public service. Johnson stands, puts his arm on Andersen. Tommy emerges, shakes his head, and laughs. TOMMY I'm in the wrong business. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 14A. 19 EXT. BAIT SHACK - DAY 19 A ramshackle bait shack, paint peeling, on the inland waterway. At the rear of the shack, Armando shoots hoops into a tattered net. Loretta, back in jeans, looks at her watch. A bondo-patched Econoline van pulls up. Tommy jumps out, big smile. He gives Loretta an energetic round of APPLAUSE. TOMMY The best li'l roper in America! But she doesn't want the charm. LORETTA You took your time. ARMANDO Cops bust you, Tommy? TOMMY Busted? Moi? Fuck no. He pulls out the wad of bills. Their faces brighten considerably. TOMMY That look like busted? 20 EXT. CAPITOL - NIGHT 20 Washington, D.C. The illuminated dome of the Capitol. 21 INT. CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE - NIGHT 21 CAMERA ROAMS the well-hung walls. From the photos and memorabilia, we realize that we are in the office of Rep. Jeff Johnson. In the reflections on the frames, we GLIMPSE some MOVEMENT on the desk explaining the considerable BREATHING and MOANING (O.S.). JOHNSON (O.S.) Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my... But then a strange GURGLING sound (O.S.) escapes from Johnson. JOHNSON (O.S.) ... God. A silent beat. Then a horrified CRY. Jennifer rises INTO FRAME. JENNIFER Oh my god! THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 14B. 22 INT. CHURCH - FLORIDA - DAY 22 The congregation is SINGING. We SEE the widow Johnson. At her side, in the aisle seat, a powerful man with bushy eyebrows, about 60, in a three-piece suit and watch chain: congressman DICK DODGE. The HYMN ends. Dodge steps up to the pulpit. DODGE It was my honor to serve in Congress with Jeff Johnson for a generation. No one could have been a better legislator. No one could have been a finer husband and father. And now -- He presses the tips of his fingers together and looks skyward, as if communing with his memory of the deceased. DODGE And now God has called his servant home. ANGLE ON Jennifer, in black. DODGE (O.S.) We will miss him. But we are grateful that his passing was so peaceful -- and so like him -- working late into the night at his desk, the consummate public servant. (CONTINUED) 15. 22 CONTINUED: 22 Vera sneaks a look at Jennifer, who is poker-faced. 23 EXT./INT. VERANDA/JOHNSON HOME - DAY 23 On the veranda of the gracious home, mourners pay respects to the family. Dodge puts a gentle hand on the widow's shoulder and draws her aside. He throws a look at Jennifer, who joins them. DODGE Vera, I know you're still in shock from Jeff's... passing. But we have to talk about his seat. Vera stares at Jennifer. She knows the score. JENNIFER Mrs. Johnson, if you'd like to discuss this in private -- VERA You can stay -- what's the difference? DODGE Vera, I'd like you to announce that you're going to run for Congress. Let a few days pass to show proper respect. But next week, I want to stand next to you at a press conference where you declare for Jeff's seat in the House. VERA JOHNSON No, Dick -- no. DODGE There's nothing to be afraid of, Vera. With your name, you can't lose. People around these parts are so used to voting for Jeff Johnson -- why, Mrs. Jeff Johnson would win in a walk. VERA JOHNSON Dick, I was a Washington wife for twenty years. Twenty years of Potomac bullshit is plenty for one lifetime. DODGE Vera, we're talking about becoming a Member of Congress. We're talking about a sure thing. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 16. 23 CONTINUED: 23 JENNIFER Don't worry about running the office -- I'll be there night and day. VERA JOHNSON I'm sure you would, dear. But I couldn't give you the same job satisfaction Jeff gave you. Jennifer, embarrassed, didn't know Vera knew. Nor did Dodge. 24 OMITTED 24 25 EXT. CONDOMINUM COMPLEX - DAY 25 A retirement community in the Florida sunshine. 26 INT. CONDO ELEVATOR/HALLWAY - DAY - THE ELEVATOR DOORS 26 open. A supermarket shopping cart full of groceries, tied with a big bow, rolls out, pushed by Tommy. Loretta accompanies him. Tommy BUZZES at a door. It's answered by Tommy's GRANDMA, a limber lady in leggings and a bright top. She sees the groceries, kisses him. GRANDMA This is very sweet of you, darling. But you shouldn't have done it. Where did you get the money? TOMMY You don't want to know. 27 INT. GRANDMA'S CONDO - DAY 27 Tommy and Loretta are watching the track results on the local tv news. Tommy, playing solitaire, shuffles bril- liantly. Grandma comes in from the kitchen, shaking her head. GRANDMA How did I end up with a thief for a grandson? TOMMY Grandma -- I told you. I'm not a thief. I'm a con man. An artist. GRANDMA But also a crook. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 17. 27 CONTINUED: 27 TOMMY But I only con crooks, Grandma. You can't con an honest man. Only somebody who wants something for nothing. (pause) But the good Lord must have been fond of pigeons, because he made so many of them. GRANDMA Sometimes I just wish you were more like your Daddy... TOMMY You mean, dead? GRANDMA No, smartmouth... I mean someone who made something of himself. LORETTA (pointing at TV) LOOK...it's the ad! VIDEO...a cheap TV spot -- a busty blonde in a skimpy outfit tossing her hair and pouting. LORETTA (V.O.) (fake Swedish accent) I am Inga. I'm here from Sweden and I'm s-o-o lonely. I need a man...and so do my girlfriends. VIDEO...Scantily-clad babes to match the names. Loretta speaks along with the V.O. LORETTA (AND V.O.) ...Maria, my hotblooded Spanish friend...Babette, the Parisian pussycat...and many others. So call the "Girls of Many Nations," at 1-900-555-NATO. SUPER: CALL 1-900-555-NATO. LORETTA (Swedish accent) So what do you think of my accent, Grandma? GRANDMA Compared to what? Loretta, why don't you go baste the turkey? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 18. 27 CONTINUED: (2) 27 Loretta gets up and goes for the kitchen. We hear a high-pitched ELECTRONIC WARBLE. Tommy reaches into Loretta's purse and pulls out a cellular phone. TOMMY (calls to Loretta) See? I told you TV advertising works. He opens the phone and speaks in a toneless, recording- like voice. TOMMY Hello...you have reached Girls of Many Nations. For Hot Blooded Italian Wildcats, press "one" now. (nothing) For Perky American Cheerleaders, press "two" now. (nothing) For a Sultry Swedish Love Goddess, press "three" now... ("BEEP") He covers the mouthpiece and calls to Loretta. TOMMY Bingo! Loretta...guy wants to speak to Inga. LORETTA (o.c.) Tell him to call back. I'm basting. TOMMY grins mischievously and speaks into the phone in the husky voice of a SWEDISH WOMAN. TOMMY Ja, this is Inga. Hello Paul... how are you tonight? You are feeling naughty? That's all right ...you have your what in a bowl of oatmeal? Yes, that is very naughty, and maybe a little sick. GRANDMA Disgusting. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 19. 27 CONTINUED: (3) 27 TOMMY Oh NO! It's my husband Lars. He's home early, I must go before ...you want to talk to Lars too? So you like to talk dirty out of both sides of your mouth. (normal voice) Man, you are one twisted bastard! Laughing, he hangs up. GRANDMA Tommy, please! TOMMY Sorry, grandma, just getting a third minute out of him. He clicks off the phone and slams it back into Loretta's purse. Loretta, meanwhile, has reappeared. LORETTA You hung up on Paul? He's one of my best customers. GRANDMA I can't believe any relative of mine does that for a living. LORETTA C'mon Gramma...it's only my voice. They never actually meet me. GRANDMA So my granddaughter talks dirty for a living and my grandson's a thief. TOMMY What's up, Grandma? Are you embarrassed to show my picture around the pool? GRANDMA Of course I'm not. Look. She goes to her sewing basket and pulls something from it. She unfolds it: a long piece of needlepoint she's been working on. INSERT It spells out Tommy's full name: Thomas Jefferson Johnson. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 20. 27 CONTINUED: (4) 27 GRANDMA (O.S.) Look what these arthritic hands been doing. BACK TO SCENE GRANDMA Make me proud of you, Tommy. Make me proud of the name you carry. In the silence between them that follows, we HEAR the tv. GENERAL MANAGER I'm Ned Grable, vice president and general manager of WFLA. We think Mrs. Jeff Johnson did the right thing in not running for the congressional seat left vacant by her husband's death. The editorial catches Grandma's attention. GENERAL MANAGER Jeff Johnson's name may still be magic. But it'll take more than the magic of name recognition to solve our region's problems. I'm Ned Grable. GRANDMA Name recognition. Lordy, what a notion. People have to be some boobs just to vote for someone because their name is Johnson. Tommy's eyes widen. GRANDMA I remember once back in Georgia, they even elected a dead man. His name was still on the ballot -- people were just used to voting for him. TOMMY What did you say, Grandma? 28 EXT. BAIT SHACK - DAY 28 HOMER, the proprietor of Homer's Pit Stop, wearing fuel- smeared overalls, is dieseling a Customer's boat down by the water. TOMMY (O.S.) Homer! Get your ass over here! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 20A. 28 CONTINUED: 28 Up by the racks of junk food and beer, and pails of fish slop, Tommy and Armando await Homer. In b.g., an older black gentleman plays checkers, solo. This is VAN DYKE. ARMANDO What's this about, jefe? TOMMY (calling) Loretta! Get off the damn phone! ARMANDO This better be good. TOMMY (sarcastic mimic) "This better be good." Loretta! ON LORETTA on the pay phone, moaning in Swedish ecstasy. LORETTA Oh, ya, ya, God, you're so big! (waving at Tommy) Uh-oh, I have to go now, my husband Sven is home early... Tommy grabs the phone. He pushes aside a protesting Loretta... TOMMY Goddammit, Inga, is it that pervert again! Damn! He smacks the receiver with his hand. TOMMY (into receiver) Listen, you little shit -- I just spent eight years in the joint, nobody talks to my woman like that! I got your adress, I got a machete, I got two Rotweilers... I'm gonna come to your house and tear your ass up! (hangs up, laughing) LORETTA Okay, Tommy, what's so damn important? HOMER Yeah, I got work to do. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 21. 28 CONTINUED: (2) 28 They all look at him expectantly. He takes a dramatic pause, then launches into a "Come to Jesus" speech. TOMMY My friends, I want to tell you about a town where the streets are paved with gold. This is a town where the marks give you money before you ask. A town where they take you to dinner after you fuck 'em. A town where when they need money, they just print more. This is a town where a guy bounced nine hundred checks and he didn't even have to skip town!!! ARMANDO Ain't no town like that. LORETTA You mean Vegas? TOMMY No. (beat) Washington, D.C. I'm going to run for Congress. His big smile meets their blank surprise. Their faces fall. LORETTA What is this, a joke? HOMER I don't get it. ARMANDO What's the con, Tommy? TOMMY Van Dyke. You remember Willie Sutton? VAN DYKE Of blessed memory. TOMMY You remember what he said? They asked him, Why do you rob banks? And he said, That's where the money is. I tell you, people -- Washington. That's where the money is. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 22. 28 CONTINUED: (3) 28 Tommy produces a sheaf of Xeroxes and pamphlets. TOMMY I found this shit in the library. You know how much a congressman makes? A hundred and thirty a year -- and that's just base pay for getting your ass elected. Then there are these things called PACs, and these lobbyists, whose whole point in life is to buy you off. It's the con of a lifetime -- and the damn thing is, it's legal! This is hot, people, we can do this! ARMANDO Who "we," white man? TOMMY You never heard of staff, Armando? I get in, I get a staff allowance of five hundred and thirty-seven grand a year -- Loretta wolf-WHISTLES. TOMMY -- which I will generously share with you. LORETTA And how exactly were you going to get your butt to Congress? HOMER Yeah -- why would anyone vote for you? TOMMY Not for me, Homer. For Jeff Johnson. Name recognition -- that's what it's all about. You think folks know their congressman died? I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson, I guarantee they'll vote for me. Now all's I have to do is get on the ballot. LORETTA Which is how? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 23. 28 CONTINUED: (4) 28 TOMMY Which is where you folks come in. (picking up a ream of forms) All's we have to do is collect five thousand six hundred twenty five signatures. ARMANDO You shittin' us? HOMER In your dreams, Tommy. TOMMY You people got a better idea? VAN DYKE I do. 29 INT. SILVER FOXES CHAPTER - DAY 29 Senior citizens fold brochures, stuff envelopes, make phone calls. Van Dyke and Tommy enter. TOMMY Okay... gimme the four-one-one on these Silver Foxes Again. It's a bunch of old folks who like to vote? VAN DYKE Don't laugh, they get an enormous turnout. But the big thing is, they have their own line on the ballot. They already got the signatures. TOMMY Ah. VAN DYKE The lady we're meeting, Hattie Rifkin, they call her the condo queen. TOMMY So all I have to do is snow one old lady. Don't sound like major surgery. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 24. 30 INT. INNER OFFICE - SILVER FOXES - DAY 30 Tommy and Van Dyke are seated opposite HATTIE RIFKIN, a high-energy woman, 70s, with a frizz of white curls. HATTIE So, what brings you here? You want to talk politics... talk! VAN DYKE We were wondering who you were going to run for Congress this year. HATTIE Oh, the usual sacrifical lamb. Probably Sylvia Roland. She just lost her husband, she needs to meet new people. Why? TOMMY Mrs. Rifkin... I want to run. HATTIE Well, I want to run too -- but with this plastic hip, it's not gonna happen. Tommy breaks up. In spite of himself, he's charmed by the salty old babe. TOMMY What I mean is... I'd like to run for Congress on the Silver Fox ticket. I care about you and your issues. HATTIE Yeah, that's what my son says. But does he call? Anyway, what makes you think a group of alter cockers are gonna support a man who hasn't clipped his first nose hair yet? TOMMY Because I can win. HATTIE No, no... a Democrat can win. A Republican can win. A Silver Fox can only make a symbolic point. TOMMY Mrs. RIfkin, if you give me a ballot line, and if I can get support from... (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 25. 30 CONTINUED: 30 HATTIE If... if. Ven die bubbah halla tsehen qulishkes, het gehaya zadeh. TOMMY Sure, but... besser die viller ein der kenner. Hattie cracks up. Tommy leans over and translates for Van Dyke: TOMMY She said, 'If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.' HATTIE (recovering) Where the Hell did you learn to speak Yiddish? TOMMY The same place I learned to hustle shtarkers at gin rummy. From Morris Elfbein... the Gin King of Miami Beach. HATTIE No kidding... you knew the Rudolf Valentino of Dade County? TOMMY He taught me a great deal. He taught me you don't always need the best cards to win. HATTIE Maybe not in gin, but in politics, young man, you need money to win, you need a name to win, you... TOMMY Oh, I have a name. HATTIE What, you're an athlete, a movie star? I don't get out as much as I used to. You're not on MTV, are you? TOMMY No ma'am. My name is Johnson. Jeff Johnson. The Name You Know. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 26. 30 CONTINUED: (2) 30 She ponders for a minute. And then she gets it. A wicked smile. HATTIE Jeff Johnson. Well, that's a name even our Alzheimer's Group will remember. (beat; shakes her head) Still, for a full-up campaign, we'd need materials, we'd need ads... TOMMY You leave that to me, Mrs. R. 31 INT. JOHNSON HOME - DAY 31 The widow Johnson is pouring tea for Tommy, now in super- nerd drag -- wire-rim glasses and tweed sport jacket. VERA JOHNSON I'm not sure I understand, Professor Franklin -- you wrote your doctoral thesis on my husband? TOMMY He was a great man, Mrs. Johnson. He did so much for my people. VERA JOHNSON He... did? TOMMY Oh, yes. I'll never forget when he said 'Welfare is a drug -- and you gotta kick it cold turkey.' It was... inspirational. VERA JOHNSON Really... well, I'm sure... TOMMY And I was actually in the audience when he said, 'If you people would just get off your dead asses and look for work, this country might be fit to live in again.' Powerful stuff. VERA JOHNSON It's very kind of you to say so. And you're very kind to come all the way from... where was it? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 27. 31 CONTINUED: 31 TOMMY Wilson-Pickett State Teachers College. But I didn't just come to pay respects, ma'am. I came because your husband deserves an archive. A place where scholars can study his legacy. A storehouse for the record of his remarkable career. VERA JOHNSON I see. So you want... his papers? TOMMY Oh, not just his papers, Mrs. Johnson. Everything. Buttons, posters, bumper stickers. All the paraphernalia of his campaigns -- proof of his political genius. Now I realize that you may have a sentimental attachment to a few items... VERA JOHNSON Take 'em. TOMMY I beg your pardon. VERA JOHNSON Take 'em all. Would you like the wedding photos, too? TOMMY Well, I don't think that's necess... VERA JOHNSON Good -- that way you won't have to go rooting around in the garbage. Is there anything else? TOMMY Well, um... no. VERA JOHNSON More tea? Or something stronger? I know it's only ten-thirty, but, hell, sun's over the yardarm somewhere, right? TOMMY Actually, ma'am, I should be getting back. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 28. 31 CONTINUED: (2) 31 VERA JOHNSON You're in pretty good shape for a professor. D'you work out? Tommy rises and packs his briefcase hastily. TOMMY Look, I, um, have a class to teach. You know how blind students are... they're so dependent. (edges toward door) Don't worry ma'am... your materials will be in good hands. 32 EXT. WHARF - DAY - CLOSE ANGLE - A SCISSORS 32 cuts the RE- off a RE-ELECT JEFF JOHNSON bumper sticker in familiar blue and gold. Van Dyke, Armando, and Homer have a production line going, doctoring the old Johnson campaign materials, slicing off and painting out the RE-'s and the years. VAN DYKE Are you sure you don't want to come to Washington with us, Homer? HOMER You bums got time on your hands. (indicating bait shack) I got a business to run. ON LORETTA working the RINGING pay phone. LORETTA Hello? Who? The League of Women Voters? Sorry, Mr. Johnson won't be attending the debate. No -- no, Betty, I'm sorry, I can't tie up this line. (hangs up; it RINGS) Hello? The Sarasota Star-Ledger? I'm sorry, we're out of photographs. No, you can't, Mr. Johnson has just had surgery for a deviated septum. (hangs up; it RINGS) Hello? (brightening) Ya, this is Inga. PAN TO TOMMY training a home video camera on a poster that reads JEFF JOHNSON FOR CONGRESS. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 29. 32 CONTINUED: 32 TOMMY (very white) We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson waving a flag. We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson kissing babies. We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson doing anything, because you already know what Jeff Johnson can do. 33 INT. JOHNSON HOME - NIGHT - ON TV SCREEN 33 The poster fills the screen. TOMMY (V.O.) Tomorrow, vote for Jeff Johnson. The name you know. A very puzzled Vera Johnson watches the ad on tv. 34 SERIES OF SHOTS - NIGHT (MOS) 34 The congressional district sleeps. But in the darkness, a kind of D-Day onslaught is under way. QUICK SUPER- IMPOSED CUTS of Tommy's secret army of Silver Foxes, opening crates, fanning through parking lots, swarming over lawns, driving in stakes, tacking up posters everywhere. INCLUDE Tommy climbing a telephone pole... Armando shinnying up a light pole across the street... Loretta and Van Dyke pulling on a rope... which hoists a huge bundle to Tommy... who opens and unfolds it... and gets an end through the air to Armando. They unfurl the biggest banner imaginable. JEFF JOHNSON: THE NAME YOU KNOW 35 EXT. COMMERCIAL STREET - DAWN 35 CAMERA TILTS DOWN. Every square inch of town seems to have been plastered with JOHNSON FOR CONGRESS material. It's on billboards, bumpers, bus shelters, balloons, banners, utility poles... all in the late congressman's signature design. 36 QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS - DAY 36 The Econoline, now a JOHNSON ad on wheels, ghetto-blasters mounted front and back on the roof, rolls by a Jewish deli ...a soul food joint... a whitebread country club... a Chinese restaurant... At each, Tommy's amplified VOICE says: (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 30. 36 CONTINUED: 36 TOMMY Jeff Johnson. The name you know. In a different appropriate accent. 37 EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY 37 In front of a polling place, Van Dyke pulls up in a hearse with an ELECT JOHNSON banner. So, driving muscle cars, do Armando, Homer, and Loretta -- Tommy's get-out-the-vote fleet. Exhilarated senior citizens pile out, led by Hattie. 38 INT. POLLING PLACE - DAY 38 An ordinary Couple, 40s, sign the registration book, then enter adjacent voting carrels. After a moment, the HUSBAND leans out. HUSBAND Who are we voting for Congress? WIFE Don't we always vote for Johnson? HUSBAND That's it -- Johnson. HIS HAND punches the hole in the ballot next to Johnson. 39 VIDEO 39 A NETWORK ANCHOR at an election-night news set. NETWORK ANCHOR If you're just joining us, our exit polls project that in Florida, an unknown, independent candidate whose sole asset appears to be his name may just possibly win a slim victory. 40 OMITTED 40 thru thru 42 42 43 EXT. BAIT SHACK - NIGHT 43 Blinding lights. Media circus. TV power cords, a huge tangle snaking back toward mobile generators. Cameramen narrowly miss knocking each other into the water. A STEEL DRUM BAND plays "Happy Days Are Here Again." (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 31. 43 CONTINUED: 43 The small crowd -- Tommy's cronies, their pals, and a jubilant contingent of Panthers led by Hattie -- lets out a great WHOOP. FLORIDA REPORTER #1 Is that him? Tricia, I believe Congressman-elect Johnson is coming this way. For the first time, we see Tommy wearing a beautifully-cut suit. He's instantly engulfed by lights, cameras, and Supporters. An amazed CAMERAMAN, watching Tommy, whispers to a Producer. CAMERAMAN Jesus -- he's not... white. I actually voted for the guy. I thought he was Jeff Johnson. Tommy jumps onto a bench. APPLAUSE from his Supporters. TOMMY Thank you, thank you, all of you, for your help. Give yourself a round of applause. They do. As APPLAUSE continues (O.S.), CAMERA PANS from Reporter to Reporter to Reporter, their mikes bearing the call-letters of different channels. ON GRANDMA being interviewed. She wears a JOHNSON FOR CONGRESS button and speaks with manifest pride. GRANDMA I've never been so proud in all my life. He was always such a good boy...well, I think he meant well. Sometimes -- well he was a clean child. That's important, I think... PAN TO FLORIDA REPORTER #2 doing a stand-up. FLORIDA REPORTER #2 Then in Massachusetts, there was a guy named Kennedy who got elected, but he wasn't really a Kennedy. PAN TO -- (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 32. 43 CONTINUED: (2) 43 FLORIDA REPORTER #3 A lot of dead incumbents get re-elected, actually. It's an American tradition. ON Tommy. Speaking meaningfully, with great sincerity, he shows a gift for political discourse. TOMMY We ran a positive campaign. We campaigned on the issues. The issue is leadership. Leadership for the future. Ask not what you can do for your country. The people have spoken. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. If you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen. Live Free or Die. And in conclusion...read my lips! (APPLAUSE and CHEERS) 44 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY 44 Tommy looking out the window at the city below. 45 EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - AERIAL VIEW - DAY - (STOCK) 45 The approach to National Airport gives a good view of Washington and its landmarks. TOMMY The promised land. 46 EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY - DAY 46 The plane touches down. 47 INT. NATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY 47 Through the airport move our Floridians. They look like they're going to opening day at the track. VOICE (O.S.) Congressman Johnson! Congressman Johnson! Tommy looks. It's REINHHARDT, a young straight-arrow bearing two huge document briefcases, which he puts down to shake hands. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 33. 47 CONTINUED: 47 REINHARDT Arthur Reinhardt. You remember me -- I Fed-Exed that material to you in Key West? TOMMY Reinhardt, my man! Of course! You look just like I pictured you. Nice wing tips. REINHARDT Thank you. Congressman, I hope you don't think I'm out of line for meeting you here -- I thought you might want some help with logistics, settling in at your hotel -- (indicating the briefcases) Since you didn't make it to the Harvard seminar, I put together a set of their papers for you. TOMMY I like your initiative, Reinhardt, but to tell you the truth, I've never been much of a student. Maybe you can brief my staff sometime. Reinhardt looks Tommy's cronies over. Not your classic Hill types. TOMMY But thank you, I will take you up on those logistics. Hey! Entourage! What hotel we at? They look at one another, puzzled. TOMMY Reinhardt, it appears that the staff has neglected to nail down some details. REINHARDT Oh, Jesus, the IMF's in town. Where are we going to find a room? TOMMY Four rooms. 48 OMITTED 48 THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 34. 49 INT. AIRPORT BAR - DAY 49 The entourage is enjoying a round of libations. Reinhardt runs up. REINHARDT I got lucky at the Madison. Thank god there's been a coup in Uruguay. Their delegation just checked out. TOMMY You're a wizard, Reinhardt. I knew you could handle it. 50 EXT. AIRPORT TAXI RANK - DAY 50 Tommy's entourage and their luggage are being packed into a cab. Tommy turns to Reinhardt. TOMMY So when does the House open for business? Reinhardt hasn't heard it put quite that way before. Reinhardt gets his courage up. REINHARDT Say, Congressman, you got my resume, didn't you? TOMMY (hasn't a clue) I'm sure I did. REINHARDT There's something I wanted to ask you. I know it's a big step, but -- I'd like you to consider me to be your AA. TOMMY That's quite an offer, Reinhardt, very decent of you, but I'm just a social drinker. REINHARDT No. AA. Your Administrative Assistant. I worked for Congressman Johnson. I'd like to work for you, Congressman Johnson. TOMMY Really. Tommy looks at his own troops, then back to Reinhardt. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 35. 50 CONTINUED: 50 TOMMY You mean like an affirmative action thing? Tommy opens the cab door. TOMMY Tell you what -- I'll think about it, okay? Tommy gets in and closes the door. TOMMY (through the open window) Thanks for getting us settled, really appreciate it. (to driver) Madison Hotel. 51 OMITTED 51 52 EXT. MEMORIAL BRIDGE - MAGIC HOUR 52 The bridge over the Potomac has a classic view of the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument. Their taxi drives by. 53 OMITTED 53 & & 54 54 55 EXT. CANNON BUILDING - DAY 55 Morning. Tommy and cronies get out of a cab and bound up the grand flight of stairs. In b.g., the Capitol dome. 56 INT. CANNON GROUND FLOOR CORRIDOR/ELEVATOR - DAY 56 They walk the superb ground floor corridor of Cannon, salivating. Marble columns... chandeliers... grand offices. Real class. AT AN ELEVATOR with a sign above it -- MEMBERS ONLY -- they stop. Tommy presses the button. The door opens. The seated ATTENDANT gets a load of this group. Especially Loretta. ATTENDANT Sorry, folks, this elevator's for Members only. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 36. 56 CONTINUED: 56 TOMMY That's okay, they're with me. Sixth floor please. Cannon 609. I'm going to my office. ATTENDANT I said Members only. TOMMY I am a Member. Now take us to six before I haul your ass in front of the committee on disrespectful behavior. ATTENDANT Elevator don't go to six. You have to get off at five and walk. 57 INT. CANNON STAIRWELL - DAY 57 Looking puzzled, they make their way up a drab stairwell. 58 INT. CANNON TOP FLOOR - DAY 58 Not classy. On one side of the hallway, the windows give out on a brutally ugly courtyard. On the other side of the hall are cages: windowless storage bins behind metal fences crammed with junk -- and an occasional xerox machine, Mr. Coffee, and pitiful staffer at a tiny desk. Tommy opens the door to 609. 59 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 59 Tommy's office is a small, dark garret, with dirty car- peting, bare shelves, and a pile of bulging canvas U.S. Mail bags. TOMMY Wait here. He heads further into the office. 60 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 60 Equally unattractive. Perched on the desk: Reinhardt. TOMMY You again! REINHARDT Good morning, congressman. TOMMY What is this shithole? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 37. 60 CONTINUED: 60 REINHARDT Excuse me? TOMMY (gesturing, peeved) This. REINHARDT (casual) Oh -- you missed the freshman lottery for offices. They assign them by draw. You didn't show for the draw, so you got the worst office in Congress. TOMMY I missed what lottery? REINHARDT It was all in the briefing books I mailed you. TOMMY What else did I miss, Reinhardt? REINHARDT Are you hiring me, congressman? Tommy gives Reinhardt a good once-over, seeing him anew. TOMMY You're shaking me down, aren't you? Tommy laughs, then clasps Reinhardt's shoulders. TOMMY This is fantastic, Reinhardt. I haven't been here five minutes, and you're shaking me down. God, I'm gonna love this town. You're hired, man. Just tell me what to do next. I don't want to miss out on any of the good shit. REINHARDT The dinner for new Members is tonight, at Union Station. Do you have black tie? BEGIN elegant, spirited classical MUSIC. 61 INT. UNION STATION - MAIN HALL - NIGHT 61 With its hundred-foot barrel-vaulted ceiling and grand windows, the magnificent Beaux-Arts station has been beautifully restored. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 38. 61 CONTINUED: 61 A big crowd slowly makes its way along a red carpet to the party. Tommy was born to wear a tux. In his lapel, a red-and- gold eagle pin. On his arm, Loretta, in a dramatic shoulderless and nearly backless gown, with three-quarter gloves. The other Women in sight are far more conserva- tively dressed. 62 INT. UNION STATION - ADIRONDACKS RESTAURANT - NIGHT 62 A STRING QUARTET provides the music. Tommy and Loretta linger uncertainly near the entrance. Then: TOMMY Let's meet some natives. Tommy leads her over to two Men, 30s, excellent haircuts. Both wear pins. He extends a hand. TOMMY Tommy Johnson, how'd you do, nice party, heck of a railroad station, isn't it? RAFE Rafe Simon, freshman from Tulsa. And this is Bo Chandler -- BO -- from Lufkin, Texas. You must be the one who didn't come to Harvard. TOMMY No, I couldn't, it was my Princeton reunion.... RAFE Jeff Johnson? You're Jeff Johnson? The guy from Florida? TOMMY That's right. RAFE (to Bo) The rest of us are out there on the campaign trail, raising money, kissing ass, making speeches, dragging our butts from place to place -- and he slides in on pure name recognition! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 39. 62 CONTINUED: 62 He puts his face close to Tommy. RAFE Let me tell you something, Jeff. A tense beat. Then Rafe breaks into a smile. RAFE Fuckin' brilliant. Bo winks at Tommy. Tommy Thank you. Thank you both very much. (to Loretta) Isn't that nice, now, don't you think? (to Rafe and Bo) This is Miss Loretta, boys. She extends a regal hand to each, Liza Doolittle at the ball. LORETTA How do yo do. How do you do. TOMMY And it's Tommy. My friends call me Tommy. "Jeff" is my... professional name. So what line of work were you boys in before you got elected? You lawyers or something? RAFE Oh, no, I did morning weather and traffic for KTOK in Tulsa. BO You don't remember me? I was a tight end for the Oilers -- my knee gimped out. The origins of the gentlemen's political success is not lost on Tommy. BO Hey, stop by my reception after the swearing in tomorrow, okay? RAFE Yeah, but don't you go to his reception before you go to my reception. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 40. 62 CONTINUED: (2) 62 TOMMY Fine, but I'm gonna be real offended if either of you miss my reception. They leave. TOMMY I think we have to have a reception. AT THE BUFFET, as Tommy and Loretta help themselves generously to oysters and champagne, they overhear TWO MEMBERS passing by. FIRST MEMBER So then I ran an ad calling him a draft dodger, but then he ran an ad calling me a plagiarist. SECOND MEMBER What did you do? FIRST MEMBER Oh, leaked a rumor that his father- in-law was a Nazi. I went up ten points in a weekend. TOMMY (to Loretta) We're in the majors, doll. 62A THE BALCONY is full of people working one another. As 62A Tommy and Loretta pass some large stone statues, a man extends his hand -- liquor lobbyist KEN KORNGOLD. KORNGOLD Congressman? I'd like to introduce myself. Ken Korngold. National Distilled Spirits Association. TOMMY Tommy Johnson. Distilled Spirits, is that right? KORNGOLD It's super that you won, congressman. Any way we can help, please don't hesitate. TOMMY Pleasure's all mine, Ken, hope you can make it to my reception. Do you happen to have a card? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 41. 62A CONTINUED: 62A KORNGOLD (giving him one) I sure do. 63 INT. UNION STATION - MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT 63 Tommy is along a wall where other guests are similarly occupied. TOMMY You now what I love about this place? The way everyone calls you a Member. Every time I hear that, it makes me think of Mr. Happy here. The Member next to him bursts out laughing. TOMMY Don't you be peeing on my shoe. They go to the sinks. The Member introduces himself. IOWA Mike Strangland. Iowa -- first CD. TOMMY You got a CD? Shit, I missed that, too. IOWA First Congressional district. TOMMY Ohhh. Tommy Johnson. Florida. So Iowa -- how'd you get to Washington? You do the crop report on tv? IOWA has a big open face and a flat Midwestern voice. IOWA No -- I owe it all to the Vietnamese. TOMMY War hero? IOWA P.O.W. When I got back to Cedar Rapids, I spent so many years telling the Rotary Club what was wrong in Washington, they finally told me to put up or shut up -- so I put up. And here I am. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 42. 63 CONTINUED: 63 TOMMY Wait a minute. What's wrong in Washington? IOWA C'mon -- there's acid rain killing fish, and no one's stopping it... there's topsoil washing away, and no erosion program... there's chemicals in our livestock -- God, I sound like a Boy Scout. TOMMY That's alright, Iowa -- this place could use a few geeks like you. 64 INT. UNION STATION - ADIRONDACKS - TOMMY'S DINNER 64 TABLE - NIGHT Tommy shakes hands around the table, taking business cards as he goes. FIRST LOBBYIST Pete Slocum. Asbestos Information Institute. SECOND LOBBYIST Mike Gustofson. Freedom to Advertise Coalition. THIRD LOBBYIST Paul Zeckhauser. American Tobacco Council. TOMMY Hey... thank you... nice to see you... hope you can make it to my reception. Have y'all met Miss Loretta? TOMMY'S TABLEMATE is lawyer-lobbyist TOMMY O'CONNOR, 40s. As Waiters serve lobster bisque, he hands TJ a business card. O'CONNOR Tommy O'Connor. Soon as I saw how you got elected, I knew you were a real comer. Hell, I bet old Olaf Andersen voted for you. TOMMY Who's Olaf Andersen? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 43. 64 CONTINUED: 64 O'Connor points. ON THE DAIS, Andersen is engrossed with Dodge. O'CONNOR (O.S.) I won't tell him you asked. Chairman of Gulf Coast Power. Constituent of yours, client of mine. BACK TO SCENE O'CONNOR Pays the rent, know what I mean? Say, could I host a little welcome- to-Washington thing for you down at my law firm? Meet some of my clients, five hundred a head -- you could pick up twenty, twenty-five grand to get you started. TOMMY (cautious) And how much of that do you get? O'CONNOR (amused) Oh, it doesn't come off the top. Down the road, I'll bill 'em each five hundred an hour whenever I take you to lunch. TOMMY Tommy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. 65 INT. UNION STATION - ADIRONDACKS - NIGHT - ON DODGE 65 making a speech from the dais. DODGE Tonight we unite the two great pillars of our system -- political and financial. To the forty-four newly-elected Members of Congress, I say, Look around you tonight. Look around, and be thankful for the generosity. Tommy inspects the sea of barracudas. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 44. 65 CONTINUED: 65 DODGE The people you see not only provided tonight's hospitality. They are the people you serve. That's our system of checks and balances at its best. Their support helped get you elected... your work will help them... and their support will help you in your next campaign, which I remind you is already less than two years away. 66 INT./EXT. ADIRONDACKS - LARGE DOORS - NIGHT 66 In b.g., the Capitol dome. As Tommy and Loretta leave, they pass Dick Dodge, who is saying goodnight to guests. He stops them. DODGE You know, Mr. Johnson, it's customary for new Members to pay a courtesy call on the old fogies in the leadership. Especially from their HOME STATE. TOMMY Well, I would have, but I just got to town. It's an honor to meet you, sir. A real privilege. This is Miss Loretta. LORETTA Public liaison. She pronounces the word so carefully, it sounds lewd. DODGE How do you do? (to Tommy) You could make up for it by having a nightcap with me. (to Loretta) May I have my car take you home? 67 EXT. CAPITOL HILL - NIGHT 67 Tommy and Dodge walk up steps toward the Capitol. 68 INT. HALLWAY - CAPITOL - NIGHT 68 A darkened hallway. A hand-lettered sign by a door reads COMMITTEE ON POWER AND INDUSTRY. THE CHAIRMAN. MR. DODGE. Tommy and Dodge approach. As Dodge unlocks the door: (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 45. 68 CONTINUED: 68 TOMMY Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, but this ain't no homo shit we up to, is it? DODGE No. No, it's not. But -- (amused) Good thinking, Johnson. I'm impressed by your instincts. 69 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - CAPITOL - NIGHT 69 A single table lamp lights Dick Dodge's office, reflecting off the velvet drapes, sculpted ceiling, and crystal chandeliers. Tommy and Dodge are in leather armchairs, ties undone. On the table between them, a bottle of Jim Beam. Dodge casts a cool eye on Tommy. DODGE Tell me, Johnson. Why did you come to Washington? TOMMY Well... of course... it's a chance to do something for my country. I mean, there's the topsoil thing, and acid rain is killing the cattle -- DODGE Cut the bullshit, Johnson. I saw how you got elected. Flukes like you are either nutcases or troublemakers. I just want to know which one I have on my hands. Who sent you here? TOMMY No one sent me. DODGE You pulled off that upset on your own? TOMMY (acknowledging modestly) Kid's got his talents. DODGE I'm impressed, Johnson, I am. But why did you run for Congress? TOMMY No bullshit? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 46. 69 CONTINUED: 69 DODGE No bullshit. TOMMY Opportunity knocks. This town is the fuckin' Yukon. A stunned silence from Dodge -- then deep and generous laughter. DODGE What a refreshing answer. He laughs again, richly amused. Tommy joins in the laughter. 70 EXT. CANNON - DAY 70 Shining in the bright sun. 71 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY - ON TOMMY'S DESK 71 Hundreds of business cards. An expert riffle, a one- handed cut, and Tommy deals lightning fast, a perfect diamond formation with two cards in the middle. He turns them over one at a time. TOMMY Food... drinks. LORETTA (reads card) Ken Korngold, National Distilled Spirits Association. Bob Rafferty ...Wisconsin Cheese Board. (to Tommy) What do you want me to do? TOMMY You're on cheese. I'll handle booze. He reaches for the phone... 72 EXT. DISTILLER'S BUILDING - DAY 72 Pan from Capitol Hill to gleaming glass office building. TOMMY (V.O.) (taking the phone) Ken! Ken Korngold! Tommy Johnson here... Right -- last night. How's it going, big guy? KORNGOLD (V.O.) Congressman! THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 47. 73 INT. KORNGOLD'S OFFICE - DAY 73 Expensive furniture, rugs, and art. KORNGOLD How are you on this helluva fine day! I'm looking forward to your reception. INTERCUT TOMMY AND KORNGOLD TOMMY Actually, that's why I'm calling, Ken. You said if I needed some help -- KORNGOLD You name it, congressman. Issue papers, testimony, floor speeches -- TOMMY Tell you what I have in mind. I was just thinking, wouldn't it be a plus for old Ken Korngold if I was to -- how should I put this -- showcase some of his distillers' products at my reception? You know, like they put Reese's pieces in E.T.? It's called "product placement." People come in, they have a tremendous time, they see your products, they think well of you -- and they think well of me, too. It's good for both of us, Ken. What do you say? KORNGOLD Well, it's a new one on me, but hey, sure, I think we can help you out. Say, while I have you on the line, there was one thing... 74 INT. HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 74 The SPEAKER administers the oath of office to the assembled House. SPEAKER Do you solemnly swear that you will support and defend the Constitution of the United States... ON GRANDMA next to Tommy, eyes welling with pride. It's the one day a year that non-Members (meaning families) can be on the floor. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 48. 74 CONTINUED: 74 SPEAKER ... against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that you will bear true faith and allegiance to the same... 75 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY - VIDEO - WIDE SHOT OF HOUSE 75 The 435 Members (with family) taking the oath, watched on C-span by Loretta, Armando, Van Dyke, and Reinhardt. SPEAKER (V.O.) ... that you take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion... 76 INT. HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 76 ON IOWA taking the oath, his toddler in his arms. PAN along faces of other Members... to Tommy. SPEAKER (V.O.) ... and that you will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which you are about to enter. So help you God? TOMMY (AND MEMBERS) I do. SPEAKER (V.O.) Congratulations. You are now Members of Congress. Sustained APPLAUSE. Tommy kisses Grandma. INTERCUT Tommy's cronies APPLAUDING. ON THE FLOOR Tommy dries Grandma's tears with a finger. GRANDMA It's just that -- I'm so happy you straightened out. Tommy smiles ambiguously. As APPLAUSE continues, his eyes roam the room and make contact with Dick Dodge, standing at one of the leadership tables. Tommy winks conspiratorially at him. There's such diabolical glee in it, it even takes Dodge aback. 77 INT. CANNON TOP FLOOR - DAY 77 A beautiful black woman, 20s, walks briskly down the busy Cannon corridors. CELIA. There's intelligence in her eyes, and fire. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 49. 77 CONTINUED: 77 She makes her way down the corridor, exchanging AD LIB greetings, glancing in at the sedate receptions, and drawing closer to the source of the REGGAE (O.S.) -- Tommy's office. She looks in. 78 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 78 It's packed, mainly with men. Everyone has drinks and talks noisily. It looks like a fraternity smoker for lobbyists. MUSIC comes from a boom box. The bar -- a tablecloth over some desks -- is lavishly stocked. So are the bookcases, which now look like liquor store shelves. ANGLE ON LORETTA, in a cocktail dress and a HELLO MY NAME IS MISS LORETTA badge, staffing a little table, handing Celia a name-tag. INSERT Celia's hands print CELIA KIRBY. PRO BONO. BACK TO SCENE - ON Tommy and Reinhardt talking with a LOBBYIST. FOURTH LOBBYIST It's an informal breakfast. You give us your views, we give you bacon and eggs, plus a couple of thousand dollar honorarium. (winking) For your favorite charity. Tommy looks at Reinhardt, who explains. REINHARDT The Tommy Johnson Foundation. TOMMY (savoring the word) Honorarium. I like that. Loretta appears with a platter of food. LORETTA Herring, gentlemen? FOURTH LOBBYIST Uh, no thanks. LORETTA Really? We've got it in cream sauce and in wine sauce. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 49A. 78 CONTINUED: 78 REINHARDT I think I'll pass. Tommy steers her aside and takes a roll of soggy, toothpick-impaled herring. TOMMY What is this? Where's the cheese? LORETTA The cheese guy didn't return my call. So I called the guy at the American Smoked Fish Institute. She points at the food table. There's nothing but a few boxes of crackers and two huge mounds of herring -- one white, one pink. The centerpiece is a large smoked fish, eyes staring accusingly. TOMMY Oh, that's just wonderful. Sixty heavy hitters drop in, and I'm feeding 'em cat food. He breaks off, as Celia comes into view in the doorway behind. Tommy picks her up on his radar. TOMMY We'll talk about this later. We follow Tommy through the crowd until he reaches Celia. TOMMY Hi there. Glad you could make it. So you're... Celia Kirby. That's an extremely beautiful name. For an extremely beautiful woman. CELIA Wow! That's smooth. After ten straight hours on my feet making small talk and breathing cheap cigar smoke, that's exactly the kind of line I'm ready to fall for. TOMMY Whoa, slow down. CELIA Sure, sure, forget it. Can you just tell me, which one's Congressman Johnson? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 49B. 78 CONTINUED: (2) 78 TOMMY What if I said... me? CELIA Oh. I see. So tell me, Congressman, just how deep is the shit I'm standing in? Tommy has to laugh. TOMMY Don't worry about it. Why don't we just start over again? CELIA Celia Kirby. I'm the legislative director of Pro Bono. TOMMY Ah. Pro Bon. That's an extremely beautiful name. For an extremely beautiful organization. Um... what is it? CELIA (amused) We're a public interest research and advocacy group. I'd like to brief you on our priorities this session. Can I call your AA to get on your schedule? TOMMY Why don't you brief me over dinner tonight? CELIA I want an appointment, Congressman, not a date. TOMMY Yeah, sure, we'll type it up on the schedule, it'll be an appointment, except with wine and flowers on the table. CELIA No thanks. I really should be going. TOMMY Won't you at least stay for a drink and some herring? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 49C. 78 CONTINUED: (3) 78 CELIA I'm afraid I'm busy. TOMMY Well then, can I tempt you with a smelt? CELIA No thanks. (extending her hand) Nice to meet you. I'll be in touch with your office. I especially look forward to hearing your view on extending the sexual harassment law to include congressmen. TOMMY I love the way you say that. She slips out through the sea of revelers. 79 EXT. CAPITOL - DAY 79 A fine Washington morning. 80 OMITTED 80 81 EXT. CAPITOL STEPS - DAY 81 Rep. ELIJAH MARSHALL, 50s, black, and a pain in Dodge's ass, is shaking hands and saying goodbye to some Constituents. Dodge approaches. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 3/25/92 50. 81 CONTINUED: 81 DODGE I heard in the steam room you're going to try to screw up my ethics bill. MARSHALL Not screw up. Amend. DODGE Come on, Eli, your amendments don't have a chance in hell to pass. My bill isn't perfect, I know, but it'll pass. And the President'll sign it. MARSHALL "Isn't perfect"? Dick, your bill's the Incumbents Protection Act! How can you even call it an ethics bill? DODGE Because the public wants an ethics bill! So that's what we call it. MARSHALL But it's got no teeth! It won't change a thing, and you know it. DODGE Come on, Eli, you're a politician, too. The less you're going to do about something, the more you have to talk about it. You know that. They start walking. MARSHALL I see. We close the bank, we stop the rubber checks, we raise the prices in the barber shop, we stop fixing parking tickets, and abracadabra! We say we've cleaned up Congress. Well, I don't think the American people want what this place has become. DODGE That's the beauty of it! They must, Eli -- they keep re-electing us. MARSHALL Not anymore! This new Congress is full of new faces. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 51. 81 CONTINUED: (2) 81 DODGE Oh, I wouldn't read too much into that. A few extra retirements, some redistricting -- nothing more than that. It's still business as usual up here. Dodge takes his glasses from his pocket and wipes them. DODGE I live in the real world, Eli. Do you? What's unemployment up to in your district? Eight percent? Eight-five? MARSHALL Eight point six. DODGE Power and Enterprise is about to fund a solar demonstration plant, Eli. It could mean a whole lot to a district -- new jobs, new construction -- that interest you? MARSHALL You can't bribe me, Dick. 82 INT. DODGE'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 82 Dodge and Marshall enter. DODGE Eli, the people who elected you. They sent you here to help them. Don't you want to? MARSHALL Not if it means supporting your bill. All you want is the perfect platform to campaign for Speaker. Dick Dodge. Mr. Clean. What a joke! DODGE (undeterred) Come on board, Eli. (leaning in) You know -- you can't save the world if you can't save your seat. Tommy enters. Marshall gives him a once-over and extends a hand. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 52. 82 CONTINUED: 82 MARSHALL We haven't met. Eli Marshall. TOMMY Tommy Johnson. MARSHALL I know. The Florida upset. Well, now that you're here, what are you going to do with it? You gonna feather your own nest, or are you gonna make something of your office? TOMMY I plan to be as good a congressman as all the others. MARSHALL Exactly what does that mean? TOMMY Well, ever since I got back from Nam, I've wanted to do something about the rain forest -- MARSHALL No, do me a favor, don't tell me. I try not to get depressed until the second week of a new session. DODGE (ushering Tommy into his office) Eli, you'll excuse us -- we have a meeting. 83 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - DAY 83 DODGE Johnson, I'm the chairman of a committee up here called Power and Industry. We've got an open seat, and I was wondering if you'd consider filling it. TOMMY Is this good news? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 53. 83 CONTINUED: 83 DODGE (tongue in cheek) Well, it is a difficult assignment -- look at what we cover: energy, health, telecommunications, environment... the committee is constantly beset by a swarm of special interests. These are powerful people, they've got all the money in the world, and they're not shy about using it. TOMMY So... this is very good news. DODGE Most members would give their right nut for it. TOMMY So what do you want from me, Dick? DODGE Congressman... I just want you to smile for the cameras. 84 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 84 The committee members -- all white males, except Tommy -- mill around, awaiting the start of the hearings. As the TV cameras whir, Dodge shakes Tommy's hand warmly. Big smiles and an explosion of flashbulbs. Dodge breaks off and Tommy drifts over to Reinhardt. REINHARDT (indicating dais) So, Congressman, welcome to the honey pot. You should be one happy freshman. TOMMY Yeah? Well, I'm not. I'm suspicious. One thing I've learned is, when somebody gives you something for nothing, the nothing ain't nothing. It's something. What is it? Why me? Reinhardt puts his hand on Tommy's shoulders. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 54. 84 CONTINUED: 84 REINHARDT Congressman, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... you're black. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. TOMMY Keep talking. REINHARDT Dodge wants to run for Speaker. And he ain't gonna make it without votes from the black caucus. Suddenly, Dodge reappears. He throws his arm around Tommy's shoulders. DODGE Tommy, someone I want you to meet... Dodge steers TJ to a preppy-looking man at the witness table -- BARCLAY "SKEETER" WARBURTON. DODGE Skeeter, do you know Tommy Johnson? Meet the new member of the committee. Tommy, this is Barclay Warburton. TOMMY Pleased to meet you, Barclay. WARBURTON'S voice is aristocratic, a la George Plimpton. WARBURTON Skeeter. Please. Been called that since boarding school. TOMMY Skeeter. WARBURTON Damned fine to meet you. As Dodge and Tommy head for the dais, Tommy imitates Warburton's lockjaw. TOMMY "Tommy. Please. Been called that since reform school." Dodge chuckles, shakes his head in mock rebuke. Tommy takes his seat at the lower dais, smiles at the Members on his left and right. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 55. 84 CONTINUED: (2) 84 ON THE UPPER DAIS, Dodge gavels... DODGE This EPA oversight hearing of the Committee on Power and Industry will come to order. I'd like to welcome our first witness, the distinguished Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency... (Warburton nods) ... but before I do, I note that a new Member is joining us today, the distinguished gentleman from Florida. THE BIGGEST EXPLOSION OF FLASHES YET... and as the motor drives whir, Tommy flashes his biggest smile yet. 85 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 85 Tommy's office walls are now richly hung with plaques, awards, and framed photos. We see he has been named the PESTICIDE COALITION'S Man of the Month. The winner of the NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION'S Achievement Award. The MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA'S Outstanding Young Legislator. Etc. The liquor is gone. Loretta is at the receptionist's desk. A LOBBYIST enters. FIFTH LOBBYIST Morning. Ron Yaeger. Snack-PAC -- Snack Foods Political Action Committee. I have a ten o'clock. LORETTA Please have a seat. The congressman is running just a little bit late. He sits and opens his briefcase. Van Dyke approaches him with the dignity of a superb butler. VAN DYKE Would you care for some herring? 86 INT. CAPITOL FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 86 Tommy rises to speak at a breakfast meeting. The podium bears the seal of the American Poultry Association. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 56. 86 CONTINUED: 86 TOMMY Let me start with a confession. I don't know much about poultry. But I do know something about people. And let me tell you: I like you people. So when you have something to say about poultry, I listen. Thank you very much. He sits down to generous APPLAUSE. ON Armando, in attendance, CLAPPING, marveling at the response TJ gets. 87 INT. CATACOMBS - MOVING - DAY 87 Capitol Hill is actually two worlds: the aboveground buildings that visitors and television cameras see, and the catacombs, the busy tunnels and corridors connecting the congressional office buildings and the Capitol. They're surprisingly unglamorous -- exposed pipes, white- washed brick walls, dumpsters, pizza carry-outs -- and through them move the legislators and their staffs. And here is Tommy, whistling ZIPPEDY DOO DAH. He loves this place. Passing a snack bar, he greets the Cashier. TOMMY My man. He blows a kiss to a pretty Teller in the credit union. Passing the barber shop, he calls out to the Shoeshine Guy. He passes a black TELEPHONE MAN at an open panel of wires. TELEPHONE MAN Tommy! What's up, man? TOMMY (whispering) Sweet Sue. Third race at Santa Anita. 88 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 88 Several lobbyists are now awaiting Tommy balancing plates of herring on their knees. Some are enjoying it more than others. Tommy breezes in. TOMMY Hey, how you folks doin', good to see you, Van Dyke making you comfortable? Tommy hits a button on a tape deck, turning on some EASY LISTENING. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 57. 88 CONTINUED: 88 TOMMY Be with y'all shortly. BEHIND THE DIVIDER, outside Tommy's office door, Tommy has a word with Reinhardt. Tommy indicates his office. TOMMY She in there? Reinhardt nods. Tommy gives himself a couple of squirts of Binaca. TOMMY Stick around for this, Reinhardt. I've finally figured something out about the women in this town. 89 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 89 Tommy and Reinhardt meeting with Celia and an elfin guy in corduroy. CELIA Thank you for seeing us, congressman, we won't take up much of your time. This is Ira Schecter, our research director. TJ Hi, good to meet you, you folks know Reinhardt, don't you? Don't rush, Miss Kirby, we can take as long as we want. CELIA But you have people waiting, and -- TOMMY That's all right. They can wait. CELIA Well. She pulls documents from her briefcase and hands them to Tommy. CELIA These are issue papers. This session we're targeting auto insurance premiums, child safety, and food additives. As votes come up, we know you'll be hearing plenty from the other side. We'd just like a clean shot at making our case, too. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 58. 89 CONTINUED: 89 CELIA (CONT'D) (rising) So, we'll follow up with your staff in the next week or... TOMMY Wait a minute, you just got here. I clean my calendar, and you're out the door. Let's back up, give this stuff the attention it deserves. Car insurance... Ira, what do you pay? IRA Oh, I've got an '85 Plymouth, about six-fifty a year... TOMMY Six-fifty? Highway robbery! A chop shop wouldn't give you more than a hundred forty for a junker like that. (beat) Or so I've heard. (beat) But I'm flying blind here, I need depth. Could Miss Kirby put together a briefing? Maybe schedule a Saturday or two to really dig into the issues? IRA (surprised and pleased) Oh... we'd be delighted. We've got some figures that will amaze you. TOMMY I'm sure you do. CELIA (rising) Well, we won't take up any more... TOMMY Whoa, whoa, hold on, what about child safety? CELIA Well, we're sponsoring a bill imposing safety standards on imported toys... (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 59. 89 CONTINUED: (2) 89 TOMMY Great! About time! I hate imported toys. What about food additives? How about we block out a few evenings, you can take me through the details. IRA Celia, if that's what the Congressman wants... any problem? CELIA (to him) You want to do this in the evening? IRA I'm away for the next two weeks. She gives him a look. Ira turns to Tommy. IRA So, when can Celia start your briefings? TOMMY Saturday night? IRA Saturday night sounds fine. CELIA Fine. Wednesday morning. Nine- fifteen. 90 INT. CATACOMBS - NIGHT - CLOSE ANGLE - A SIGN 90 On a door in the House sub-basement: MEMBERS ONLY. 91 INT. HOUSE GYM - NIGHT 91 The regular evening pickup basketball game. Even among these ruthless players, Tommy's street moves are outstand- ingly down and dirty. His principal accomplice: Elijah Marshall. 92 INT. LOCKER ROOM - HOUSE GYM - NIGHT 92 A standing poker game among the towel- and robe-clad Members. It's Tommy's shuffle and deal. He is convincingly awkward. A BULLDOG of a man examines his hand, tosses two cards in. He assembles his new hand. Four fives and an ace. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 60. 92 CONTINUED: 92 ON Tommy's hand. A pair of threes. The betting starts, at a couple of chips, and comes round to Tommy. He pushes a stack of chips to the center. TOMMY Let's get serious, fellas. 93 INT. CATACOMBS (OR CORRIDOR) - NIGHT 93 Tommy, Marshall, and the Bulldog, back in suits, exit the MEMBERS ONLY door and move through the catacombs. MARSHALL I need your help on the ethics bill, Leon. I want you to co- sponsor my amendments. BULLDOG You make a persuasive case, Eli. MARSHALL That wasn't a yes. BULLDOG (courteously ambiguous) I promise to give it the attention it deserves. The Bulldog gives Tommy a friendly squeeze -- BULLDOG Better luck next time, son. -- and leaves them. Tommy and Marshall continue on. MARSHALL He took six hundred dollars off you that last hand, didn't he? TOMMY Yeah, he's taking a real shine to me. MARSHALL If I didn't know better, I'd say you lost to him on purpose. TOMMY Nothing wrong with letting the chairman of the ethics committee roll you once in a while. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 60A. 93 CONTINUED: 93 MARSHALL (shaking his head) You fit in real well up here. Too well. TOMMY So Eli, how come you haven't asked for my help with your amendments? MARSHALL Give it a rest, Tommy. You've got a great jump shot. But everyone knows you're Dick Dodge's boy. TOMMY (bristling) I'm nobody's boy, mister. MARSHALL (weary) Don't waste your outrage on me. I know what you are. TOMMY I'm no different from anyone else. MARSHALL That's not true. Some people here actually try to do something besides save their own ass. TOMMY You know, Eli, I like you, I really do. You remind me of my father. MARSHALL Oh, really? How so? TOMMY He thought I was scum, too. BELLS begin RINGING and LIGHTS FLASHING on all the clocks and sconces down the corridor. Three RINGS, pause, three RINGS, pause... Marshall does a U-turn. Tommy doesn't follow suit. MARSHALL Aren't you going to vote? TOMMY (indicating clocks) Vote? Is that what that is? We got a pool going in the office on when it'll go off next. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 60B. 93A INT. LOBBY OUTSIDE HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 93A It's called "Gucci Gulch." The lobby just outside the doors to the House chamber is pandemonium -- a sea of lobbyists, lawyers, PACmen, Members, and staffers urgently trying to find their masters and signal them thumbs-up or-down. Tommy enters, sweeps the room with his eyes, looking for Reinhardt, shrugs, then goes through the doors onto the floor. 93B INT. HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 93B Tommy goes to a console on the rear of a seat. A blue light says OPEN. Tommy inserts a card (it looks like an electronic hotel key). Red, green, and amber lights at buttons labeled NAY, YEA, and PRES. Tommy shrugs, pushes NAY. 93C INT. LOBBY OUTSIDE HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY 93C As Tommy heads away, he passes a class trip -- a dozen fifth-graders and their TEACHER, who hails him. TEACHER Excuse me -- Congressman? Do you have a moment? We're from the Hawthorne Avenue School, in Union, New Jersey? I'm Mrs. Kozlowski. Social Studies. We were just learning how a bill becomes a law. (indicating the BELLS) Was that a vote? TOMMY Yes, it was. TEACHER And what did you vote? TOMMY I voted "Nay." It's a terrible bill. It'd destroy the fabric of American life. TEACHER And what was the vote on? Tommy hasn't a clue. He calls out to Rafe, who is among those leaving the chamber. TOMMY Hey, Rafe! Tell these kids what that vote was about. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 61. 93C CONTINUED: 93C TOMMY (CONT'D) (to kids) Guy's got a real knack for explaining things. RAFE Well, it was a motion to reconsider the motion to reconsider. Bo, passing by, intervenes. BO No, it was the rule on amending the reauthorization. TOMMY Which means? BO Clean Air. RAFE (overlapping) School lunches. TOMMY You're in excellent hands, kids. 94 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY 94 A NOISY restaurant popular with lobbyists. Power photos on the wall. Table hopping. People SHOUTING greetings across the room. Waiters in long aprons. Tommy is having lunch with Tommy O'Connor. O'CONNOR You're a gentleman, Tommy. We can always do bid'ness -- I like that in a Member. TOMMY Thank you, Tommy. I love you too. O'CONNOR Listen, I'd like to do more money for you -- I just need to know your positions on a few issues. O'Connor takes out a pen and leather notecard case. O'CONNOR For instance, where are you on sugar price supports? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 62. 94 CONTINUED: 94 Tommy has no idea, but he's certainly open to suggestions. TOMMY Sugar price supports. Where do you think I should be, Tommy? O'CONNOR Shit -- makes no difference to me. If you're for 'em, I got money for you from my sugar producers in Louisiana and Hawaii. If you're against 'em, I got money for you from the candy manufacturers. TOMMY You pick. O'CONNOR (writing) Let's put you down as for. Now what about putting limits on malpractice awards? TOMMY You tell me. O'CONNOR Well, if you're for 'em, I got money from the doctors and insurance companies. If you're against 'em, I got money from the trial lawyers. Tell you what, let's say against. Now how about pizza? TOMMY (indicating his plate) I'll stick with the salad. O'CONNOR Not for lunch, shmuck, for PAC money. A lot of the frozen pizzas use phony cheese. There's a law pending requiring them to disclose it on their labels. Where do you stand? Tommy thinks it through. TOMMY If I vote for the labels...then I get money from the dairy industry... (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 63. 94 CONTINUED: (2) 94 O'CONNOR Good... TOMMY And if I vote against the labels, I get money from the frozen food guys. O'CONNOR Excellent! And don't forget the ranchers, because they get hurt if pepperoni sales go down! TOMMY (laughing in admiration) A pepperoni lobby. I love this town. O'CONNOR So which is it? TOMMY Fuck the cheese people. Thanks to them my office smelled like smelt for a week. O'CONNOR All right. For. TOMMY So Tommy, tell me -- with all this money on every side, how does anything get done? O'CONNOR It doesn't! That's the genius of the system! 95 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 95 A briefing in progress. Flip charts, ring binders, Celia, Ira, a couple of other Pro Bono types. Tommy is riveted by Celia. CELIA It comes down to a question of what is acceptable risk. Are we willing to feed our kids a substance that causes cancer in lab rats? More important, who gets to make the decision? Bureaucrats and big corporations, or the people whose lives depend on it? THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 64. 96 INT. TOMMY'S BOILER ROOM - DAY 96 Tommy's staff shares one small office. Everyone's on the phone. VAN DYKE Mr. Willie? Congressman Johnson is calling. Can you take his call? Thank you. Please hold. Van Dyke puts him on hold, counts to three, gets back on the line. VAN DYKE I'm sorry, Mr. Willie, he just picked up another call. Listen, I know why he was calling -- he hasn't heard from you about his fundraiser... PAN TO Armando. ARMANDO ... That's right, Mr. Brown, on the thirtieth... A thousand a couple...A whole table? He'll be so happy to hear it. Thank you so much. (calling) Loretta! Put down nuclear power for ten g's. PAN TO Loretta, who chalks the figure onto a toteboard. LORETTA Cool. (into phone) Mr. Newburg? It's Miss Loretta, from Congressman Johnson's office, how you doin'? On Loretta's bulletin board is a map of the United States, with flags, pushpins, and air travel routes. LORETTA Say, the congressman's going to be out your way next week... Palm Springs, the Bob Hope Classic -- yes, a celebrity player. As long as he's on the coast, we were wondering whether you aerospace people might want to lay on a lunch so you can hear his views... Uh-huh ... Uh-huh... Lovely. Now what kind of contribution to his foundation you folks thinking about? THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 65. 97 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 97 Celia continues her briefing. CELIA ...And in the 1988 study, it was up to eight per hundred-thousand. Um...am I losing you on these mortality rates? TOMMY No, I was just wondering how much of this is a statutory problem, and how much is a regulatory one? I mean, didn't the Merton Act cover most of this? CELIA (surprised) Hmmm, that's an excellent point. Let me see something... As she starts rummaging in her briefcase, we TRACK AROUND to a COMPUTER SCREEN on Tommy's desk -- it displays THE EXACT WORDS HE'S JUST SPOKEN. CELIA Wow...you're right. Maybe we can get them to amend Merton-Simmons. RACK FOCUS...reveals REINHARDT in b.g., sitting at another computer terminal. He is typing in Tommy's responses, which appear on Tommy's screen. TOMMY Well, for Merton to apply you have to show high contagion...sounds to me like your contagion rates are no higher than the common clod. In b.g., Reinhardt DIVES FORWARD to his keyboard and begins correcting his typo. Celia looks puzzled. TOMMY Common cold. (beat) Must have picked up a little dyslexia over the weekend. CELIA I see. Well, I must say I'm pretty impressed. TOMMY You're also impressively pretty. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 66. 97 CONTINUED: 97 Celia is startled. Tommy is embarrassed...the dumb compliment he's just spoken was one Reinhardt typed on the computer screen. CELIA Oh come on... TOMMY You're right. Sorry. Excuse me a second. (calls out) Arthur? Without explanation, he THROWS HIS PENCIL hard out of frame. REINHARDT (O.S.) Ow! 98 EXT. GULF STREAM JET - AIRBORNE - DAY 98 A jet flies through the sky. 99 INT. GULF STREAM JET - DAY 99 Tommy and handful of other Members listen to their GUN LOBBYIST host. GUN LOBBYIST Frankly, we think the semi-automatic has gotten a bad rap. That's why the American Sporting Gun Users PAC put together this trip. ON TOMMY AND DODGE enjoying champagne and hors d'oeuvres. 100 EXT. DUCK BLIND - DAY 100 Tommy, wearing full L.L. Bean drag, wading with the other Members. Someone blows a shrieking DUCK CALL. A flock takes flight. Everyone in the group raises their weapons: AK-47s. A burst of GUNFIRE. Rambo time. We SEE the flock still flying. One duck drops at the feet of the hunters. TOMMY Must have had a heart attack. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 67. 101A EXT. GOLF COURSE - FIRST TEE - DAY 101A A LARGE SIGN READS: SCRAP IRON INSTITUTE CELEBRITY PRO-AM. Tommy tees off. He is wearing a veritable pro shop of custom golf gear, all emblazoned with logos of corporate sponsors and lobbies. He hits the ball about 200 yards...but more or less perpendicular to the hole. REVEAL BOB HOPE standing nearby, watching. BOB HOPE I knew all these congressmen get a slice, but I didn't know it was that big. 101 INT. JET - DAY 101 Tommy on the phone. TOMMY Did you miss me? 102 INT. PRO BONO OFFICES - DAY 102 Celia at her desk in the somewhat ratty Pro Bono offices. CELIA Where did you go? INTERCUT CELIA AND TOMMY TOMMY Oh, a fact-finding mission, some issue conferences, a few speaking engagements, a charity event... the usual. CELIA More like the Petroleum Institute Ski Cup, the NRA Open, the -- TOMMY Hey. Have lunch with me tomorrow. CELIA I can't -- we're having a press conference. TOMMY What is it -- the ozone layer? No fault? Killer apples? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 68. 102 CONTINUED: 102 CELIA (laughing) Toy safety. Wait a minute. Tomorrow's Friday. Aren't you back early? TOMMY (beaming) You remembered! That means you missed me. 103 EXT. JEFFERSON MEMORIAL - NIGHT 103 Tommy and Celia walk over the bridge to the cherry trees by the Tidal Basin. TOMMY So, how'd you end up hustling for Pro Bono instead of pesticides? I mean, you could have been a big- time lawyer, right? CELIA Oh, I was for a while. It... depressed me. TOMMY At a hundred grand a year, how depressed can you get? Doesn't it depress you to lose all the time? CELIA Sometimes. Mostly it gets me angry. And the anger keeps me going. Sure, I wouldn't mind winning a few. And it's not like I'm allergic to money... TOMMY So why do you do it? She skips a stone on the water. CELIA God, it's so embarrassing to come out and say it. TOMMY Say it. CELIA Meaning. I need my life to mean something. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 69. 103 CONTINUED: 103 This actually hits Tommy. Celia, embarrassed, changes the subject. CELIA My question is, how'd you get named after a Memorial? TOMMY Grandma like Jefferson. Y'know, "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." It's a lot to live up to, so I specialized in the last part. CELIA And how's the pursuit going? TOMMY Fine...'til I met you. Now...the better I do, the worse I feel. They have stopped walking. They are standing close together. They kiss. TOMMY So...when can I see you again? How about dinner Saturday night? She shakes her head. CELIA How about Sunday morning? TOMMY Brunch? 104 INT. OLD CHURCH - BALTIMORE - DAY 104 In the pulpit, Rev. Elijah Marshall thunders: MARSHALL The wages of sin is death! And to the man who values Gold over Goodness...the Lord allows no exemptions! REVEAL TOMMY and Celia in the front pew. Marshall appears to be preaching directly to Tommy, who wears a slightly sick smile. MARSHALL To the man who shows no respect for the privilege of walking this Earth, God allows no deductions! (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 70. 104 CONTINUED: 104 MARSHALL (CONT'D) (AMEN) And to the man whose pockets are bulging and whose soul is empty... the Lord grants no 90-day extension! (AMEN) And when the last trump sounds, believe me, you will be audited! TOMMY (aside to Celia) This is one hell of a date. 105 EXT. CHURCH - DAY 105 On the steps, Marshall shakes hands with his Congregants. Tommy and Celia exit the church. Marshall takes Celia by the hands and kisses her familiarly. Tommy is taken aback. MARSHALL Hello, darling. Glad you could make it. CELIA I liked the sermon, Uncle Eli. TOMMY Uncle Eli? MARSHALL My niece says you're not half as slimy as I thought. TOMMY Your niece? MARSHALL That would put you somewhere between a lizard and a toad. Quite a step up. Tommy looks from Marshall to Celia and back again. TOMMY How could I have missed the family resemblance? 106 EXT. CANNON BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING 106 107 INT. CANNON TOP FLOOR - DAY 107 WHISTLING happily, Tommy rounds the corner and heads to his office. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 71. 107 CONTINUED: 107 Ahead of him, encamped in the hallway, he sees a phalanx of SENIOR CITIZENS, many carrying placards, and some camera crews. Tommy adjusts his tie, turns on the charm, and approaches. TOMMY Ladies! Looking good! How can I help you folks today! But Hattie Rifkin and her troops will have none of it. HATTIE Don't "Ladies!" me, you dick! The camera lights go on. 108 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - DAY 108 DODGE Now let me get this straight. You voted to make people on Medicare pay more money to their doctors? TOMMY The Medical Association made a persuasive case. Ten grand from their PAC, plus Christmas in Aspen. DODGE (shaking his head) Tommy -- if I'm not mistaken, you wouldn't be here without the good senior citizens of your district. You got to dance with the girl that brung you, son. If you have a bit of business to do, do it quietly... in the corridors... in the subcommittees... with little amendments. You mess around on the big ones like Medicare, you'll be dead meat on election day. TOMMY Yeah, well, then it's thanks for the memories, and on to the next gig. DODGE Do you know what your problem is, son? You don't think big enough. You have a real knack for this town, but you have the soul of a two-bit hustler. Listen to me, Tommy. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 72. 108 CONTINUED: 108 DODGE (CONT'D) Five hundred thirty-five Members of Congress. Some are smart, and some stupid. Some good, some not. But all of them, son, all of them consumed by the single overriding imperative that defines the very Washington way of life. TOMMY Which is? DODGE Getting re-elected. TOMMY Wait a minute. You're talkin' 'bout my re-election? DODGE You don't know what percent of the incumbents who ran last time got re-elected, do you? TOMMY Fifty? Sixty? DODGE Ninety-six. And ninety-eight before that. It's like that election after election. If you don't fuck up, you can be here, raking it in, for life. Life, Johnson. Tommy considers this. Then a big smile. TOMMY I can think of worse places to get life. DODGE (smiles) I knew you had it in you. TOMMY So how do I get the Silver Foxes off my ass? DODGE Oh, throw them a bone... why don't you co-sponsor a bill for mandatory universal health insurance? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 73. 108 CONTINUED: (2) 108 TOMMY What's that mean? DODGE Nothing. It'll never pass. 109 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 109 A couple of Lobbyists await Tommy. Van Dyke mans the desk. In come ELLEN JUBA, 40s, and her 13-year-old daughter, MICKEY, whose pony tail sticks out from her Florida Marlins baseball cap. VAN DYKE May I help you? MRS. JUBA Yes, I'm Ellen Juba. This is my daughter, Mickey. We'd like to see our congressman. We live in the district. VAN DYKE Just a moment, please. (dials; into phone) Could you come out? Thank you. (hanging up) Be right with you. (to Mickey) I like your hat. Loretta comes out and extends a hand. LORETTA How do you do, I'm Miss Loretta, public liaison for the congressman. MRS. JUBA Ellen Juba. My daughter Mickey. We'd like to see him. LORETTA Y'all from the district? Up here seein' the sights? How'd you folks like some gallery passes? Go on over and listen to the great debates of our day? She reaches into Van Dyke's desk drawer to get some passes. MICKEY We don't want to go to the gallery. We want to see Congressman Johnson. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 74. 109 CONTINUED: 109 LORETTA How 'bout a House key ring for each of you? Here -- see that? Isn't that something? Turns into a pen. MRS. JUBA You don't understand. We're not tourists. We're constitutents. LORETTA (helpfully) You aren't with some organization, are you, honey? MRS. JUBA I'm a goddam citizen! Isn't that enough! MICKEY We're not leaving here till we see him! Loretta exchanges a look with the Lobbyists, who get the picture. She picks up the phone and speaks nonchalantly. LORETTA Oh, Armando? Could you come out front, please? Tommy enters, carrying an enormous tennis trophy. TOMMY Look what I won! Must be that new racket. Armando has come out to hear this. ARMANDO There a problem, congressman? MRS. JUBA Congressman? You? Armando tries to escort her out. MRS. JUBA Get your hands off me! Mickey tries to block Armando. MICKEY Let go of her, you creep! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 75. 109 CONTINUED: (2) 109 SIXTH LOBBYIST Careful, she may be armed! MICKEY Stop it! Get away from her! Armando, defending himself from Mickey, manages to knock her hat off. With the hat comes her (apparently false) pony tail. ON MICKEY. She's bald. Her skull bears the mark of surgery. Everyone stops. It's quiet. Mickey's eyes burn into Tommy's. Then she picks up her hat. MICKEY Come on, Ma. It's okay. Let's go. TOMMY Wait. What happened to you? MICKEY Not just me. 110 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 110 Tommy and his staff listen to the Jubas. MICKEY I was lucky. They said they got it all. I'm going to be okay. But what about the others? TOMMY The others? MRS. JUBA They call it a "cancer cluster." Oh, at first, none of us in the neighborhood wanted to believe it, but then we all saw it -- for me, it was when the two-year-old across the street developed a brain tumor, same as Mickey. We looked at everything -- the water, the air, dump sites, insects, you name it. But we didn't have to look that far. It was staring us in the face. TOMMY What? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 76. 110 CONTINUED: 110 MICKEY Power lines. MRS. JUBA High-voltage power lines. The wires cause magnetic fields -- and the magnetic fields cause cancer. Especially in children. TOMMY I never heard of that. Mickey pulls a stack of journals and xeroxes from her book bag and gives it to her mother, who in turn gives the materials to Tommy. MRS. JUBA The studies, the numbers -- it's all there. MICKEY (to Tommy, skeptical) You're not actually going to read those, are you? TOMMY (caught) Oh, they'll be read... MICKEY Why don't you come see for yourself? Tommy has no quick answer. 111 EXT. PARK/SCHOOL - FLORIDA - DAY 111 Children playing on swings and seesaws in a small public park. TILT UP. A pair of electric power derricks carrying 225,000-volt lines almost directly overhead. The derricks cast shadows across a nearby school. We SEE the neighborhood. Quite a few FOR SALE signs. A house with a moving sale in progress on the front lawn. ON Tommy taking it all in. With him are Celia and the Jubas. MRS. JUBA Five children in the neighborhood have cancer. One more has precancerous lesions. Pregnant women around here are scared to death. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 77. 111 CONTINUED: 111 TOMMY This is Mickey's school? MRS. JUBA Turns out a lot of schools are near power lines. The land's cheap, so the schools tend to buy it from the power companies in the first place. TOMMY But isn't the school district responsible? MRS. JUBA We asked the superintendent to measure the magnetic field inside the school. He said, Okay, only it'll cost forty thousand dollars, and what program did we want him to cut that from? TOMMY Nice. MRS. JUBA We're nobody, congressman. You're somebody. We need your help. Tommy takes Celia aside. TOMMY Do you believe it? CELIA It's impossible to know. No one's really looked into it hard enough. TOMMY But why isn't it being investigated? CELIA Why didn't they investigate breast implants all those years? What about those side-effects of that sleeping pill, Halcion? Why isn't anything being investigated? It's always the same. TOMMY Money talks. CELIA You got it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 78. 111 CONTINUED: 111 TOMMY There must be something I can do for those people. CELIA Don't tell me you're actually developing a conscience. TOMMY Shit, I hope not -- it'd be a fucking nuisance in Congress. CELIA No, that's not fair. Some people on the Hill actually believe in things, and try to do a decent job, and don't forget why they went to Washington, and who sent them. TOMMY (amazed) No shit. (remembering) Oh, yeah, I met one of those geeks. So what can I do? CELIA Make a stink. Round up some Members and hold a press conference. Get that committee of yours to hold hearings. Haul in in the Environmental Protection Agency, the Surgeon General, the National Academy of Sciences. Get the issue on every breakfast table in America. 112 OMITTED 112 112A INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 112A A press conference. Half a dozen congressmen, Tommy among them. Iowa is speaking to the few Cameras and Reporters. Beside him, Mickey Juba and her mother. Reinhardt and Ceila among the handful of staff and onlookers. IOWA This goes beyond personal tragedy. It goes to a public health hazard of unknown proportions. It goes to the right of ordinary people to know all the facts -- (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 79. 112A CONTINUED: 112A TOMMY Yeah, right -- people ought to know if their neighborhoods are killing them. DODGE (O.S.) Amen, gentleman. Amen. They turn, somewhat surprised to see Dick Dodge, who joins Iowa at the microphones, a natural leader. DODGE What a fine effort this is. I am totally sympathetic. Congressional hearings should be scheduled as soon as possible. The American people deserve no less. He puts an arm around Mickey. DODGE Message: we care. 112B INT. TOMMY'S HOUSE - NIGHT 112B Tommy and Celia are watching the press conference on TV. CELIA Well, congratulations. You've found yourself your own hopeless cause. TOMMY Speaking of hopeless causes... They kiss, and slide OUT OF FRAME. 113 OMITTED 113 & & 114 114 115 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - NIGHT 115 An impressive THUNDERSTORM pounds on Dodge's windows. DODGE (pouring) On the rocks, or neat? TOMMY Whatever you're having. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 80. 115 CONTINUED: 115 DODGE Well, why ruin good bourbon with the taste of some shitty Sears icemaker, that's what I always say. (handing Tommy a glass) Cheers. TOMMY Cheers. Dodge downs his drink. Tommy follows suit. DODGE Son, you're a real comer. I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up in the leadership. I'll say this: if I were Speaker, I'd sleep better with you as a lieutenant. TOMMY Why, thank you, Mr. Chairman. You know, to tell you the truth, I didn't know you'd be on my side on those power lines. DODGE But I'm not. TOMMY But you said you were sympathetic -- DODGE Of course I did. We're all sympathetic to little girls with cancer. But I'm not sympathetic to holding an inquiry. TOMMY But you said -- DODGE I know what I said. But that was just a press conference, son. I wasn't under oath. The intercom BUZZES. DODGE (into phone) Yes?... Bring them right in! (hanging up) Look. Son. It's great to get your name in the paper. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 81. 115 CONTINUED: (2) 115 DODGE (CONT'D) I bet the gentleman from Iowa was all over the evening news in Des Moines tonight. Getting good press -- letting them know you care -- that's what it's all about. Smart move, Tommy. But that's as far as I'd go with this, if I were you. The door opens. Dodge turns to see Olaf Anderson, Tommy O'Connor, and Zeke Bridges enter. DODGE What a surprise! ANDERSEN Mr. Chairman! DODGE Mr. Chairman! Hello, Tommy. Zeke you're looking well, good to see you. ZEKE (wheezing) Good to see you, you old sum' bitch. O'CONNOR Evening, Mr. Chairman, thanks for taking the -- Tommy, you s.o.b., they let you in here? (indicating Andersen and Bridges) You folks finally get to press flesh! Olaf, meet Tommy Johnson. Tommy, Olaf Andersen. Chairman of Gulf Coast Power. TOMMY The boys here have told me a lot about you. O'CONNOR Yeah -- I told him you voted for him! They all share a laugh. Except for Bridges, who squints at Tommy. ANDERSEN Glad to meet you, son. They tell me you've got a real talent for the game. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 81A. 115 CONTINUED: (3) 115 O'CONNOR And this is Zeke Bridges, CEO of Pyramid Insurance. ZEKE (still puzzling) Congressman. TOMMY Good to meet you. DODGE Help me with these, would you, Tommy? He hands Tommy a couple of drinks. TOMMY (to Zeke) Chivas on the rocks? ZEKE (taking the drink) You look awfully familiar. Tommy just smiles. DODGE Tommy and I were just talking about power lines. TOMMY Yeah, what a coincidence. I thought this little party might be for me. (to Anderson) You may not like this. (to Dodge) I think we should hold those hearings. DODGE You really fell for the line that parents group fed you, didn't you? Tommy is struck by Dodge's intelligence. TOMMY How'd you know I met the parents group? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 81B. 115 CONTINUED: (4) 115 DODGE Oh, I keep my ear to the ground, that's what a good politician does. Listen, Tommy, why don't we just get Olaf's take on this. ANDERSEN It's tragic, cancer's a terrible thing, but there's no way you can link it to power lines. Truth is, there's a bigger electromagnetic field given off by an electric blanket, or a microwave oven, than by those derricks. TOMMY But there are studies that say -- ZEKE For every study that says one thing, I'll show you a study saying another. We've studied it ourselves. Nada. ANDERSEN There's not a single state health official anywhere in this country who says power lines cause cancer. TOMMY But what if you're wrong? As Tommy persists, Andersen looks increasingly angry. TOMMY People didn't use to say smoking causes cancer, either. What if the evidence is just building, and some day we wake up and discover that your power lines are killing us? ANDERSEN (exploding) "Kill us"? "Kill us"? You calling me a murderer? You're saying there's blood on these hands? How dare you talk to me like that, you -- O'Connor puts a restraining arm on Andersen. O'CONNOR Calm down, Olaf, calm down, he didn't mean it that way, did you, son? Alright, gentlemen. Easy. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 82. 115 CONTINUED: (5) 115 Andersen backs off, regains his composure. The outburst makes an impression on Tommy. Tommy I'm just saying, it's worth looking into. ANDERSEN Tommy -- do you want to move the power lines? Do you know how much it would cost to bury them? Millions. Tens of millions. I don't have that money. The state doesn't have that money. You people up here sure don't have that money. You know who'd end up paying for it? Folks who sent you here, that's who. O'CONNOR Now how'd you like the people in your district to think of you as the putz who tripled their electric bill? You think they'd thank you for that on election day? TOMMY All I'm saying is, maybe we should hold hearings to look at -- O'CONNOR Think for a minute, boychik. You hold your hearings. Overnight, everyone who lives near a substation finds the value of his home in the toilet. You kill the real estate market. ZEKE You kill the insurance companies. O'CONNOR You kill the school district. ANDERSON You kill the local economy. DODGE For a smart boy, you're not thinking very politically. Tommy watches the LIGHTNING. TOMMY Maybe I should think about it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 83. 115 CONTINUED: (6) 115 DODGE Yeah, the system ain't perfect, but the fleas come with the dawg. ANDERSEN Oh, by the way, Tommy, on a completely different subject -- You don't have a state PAC yet, do you? I'd like to give you a hundred thousand dollar corporate contribution to start one up. ZEKE My company would be honored to do the same. TJ Can you do that? I thought there were limits -- O'CONNOR Oh, it's all aboveboard, we all believe deeply in the rules. It's just that the state rules are often more flexible about these things. ANDERSEN Are you interested? TJ I'm always interested in the happiness of my constituents. DODGE I'll drink to that. Dodge and Andersen shoot each other a look. 116 OMITTED 116 & & 117 117 118 EXT. TOMMY'S HOUSE - NIGHT 118 Tommy pulls up in a Corvette with Florida congressional plates in front of his Capitol Hill row house. 119 INT. TOMMY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 119 Tommy slips into bed next to Celia, who's half asleep. CELIA Mmmm... (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 84. 119 CONTINUED: 119 TOMMY Mmmm... CELIA So what did he say? TOMMY Who? CELIA Dodge. The hearings. TOMMY Oh -- I, uh, haven't asked him yet. Celia suddenly looks quite awake. TOMMY (casual) It wasn't the right moment. Besides, I was thinking, maybe I ought to line up some other Members first -- you know, get my ducks in a row. CELIA Oh. 120 INT. HOUSE STEAM ROOM - DAY 120 Dick Dodge and several other towel-clad MEMBERS. DODGE You see that ABC poll? THIRD MEMBER Free fall. DODGE President in trouble like that, he's liable to do something desperate. Some damn fool stunt. FOURTH MEMBER Invade Japan. FIFTH MEMBER Declare war on Congress, more like it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 3/25/92 85A. 120 CONTINUED: (A1) 120 The door opens. Eli Marshall, fully dressed, comes in. MARSHALL You shafted me on the ethics bill. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 86. 120 CONTINUED: 120 DODGE Hello, Eli, good to see you. Why don't you loosen your tie? MARSHALL It's a closed rule. I can't get my amendments on the floor. I can't get a recorded vote. I can't get squat. DODGE Last time I looked, it was the Rules Committee in charge of that. This isn't the Rules Committee, Eli. This is the steam room. MARSHALL This is the U.S. Congress! The American people deserve better than -- DODGE You know what your problem is, Eli? You've got sermonitis. The other Members chuckle. DODGE Can't open your mouth without climbing into the pulpit, can you? Why don't you just calm down, have a massage -- MARSHALL I've got news for you, Dick. I'm going to run against you for Speaker. I may not have a rat's ass of a chance to beat you. But I sure as hell can tell the world the kind of sleaze you stand for. 121 EXT. CAPITOL TERRACE - DAY - TOMMY AND DODGE 121 DODGE I went too far with him, I know it. You know him pretty well, don't you? TOMMY Oh, I don't know... DODGE Come on, you play basketball together, you're seeing his niece, you've been to his church -- TOMMY How did you know that? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 87. 121 CONTINUED: 121 Dodge indicates his bloodhound nose. DODGE He'll listen to you, Tommy. I want you to go make peace between us. Tell him we'll work something out on his amendments -- not a vote, I won't go that far, but at least he'll get to say his piece on the floor. Just get him off my back. Can you do that for me? TOMMY That's not a question, is it? DODGE That's right. Is there a problem? TOMMY No, no -- I've still got my right nut, I can work with that. 122 INT. CRAB HOUSE - NIGHT 122 A WAITER removes an empty pitcher of beer. WAITER Another? TOMMY Sure, why not. Marshall takes a boiled crab from the platter between them, places it on the butcher paper in front of him, christens it -- MARSHALL The honorable Dick Dodge. -- raises a big wooden mallet, and SMASHES it on the crab, smiling. TOMMY You know, Eli, sometimes people do things they regret. Everyone makes mistakes. Fact is, Dick's been under a lot of pressure lately -- MARSHALL That man's a walking quid quo pro -- prid quo -- quid pro quo, and you know it. He put you up to this, didn't he? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 88. 122 CONTINUED: 122 TOMMY What do you mean? MARSHALL Don't shit me, Tommy. You're Dick Dodge's yes-man. I know what you're up to. This is damage control. TOMMY I'm not a yes-man. When Dick says no, I say no. Marshall SMASHES down again with the mallet. Crab carnage. MARSHALL You know why no one on the Hill drops a dime on anyone else? Mutual assured destruction. Our little gentleman's agreement. Everybody has something on somebody, so nobody has anything on anybody, because everybody wants to save his own ass. TOMMY (interested) Oh, yeah? What do they have on you? MARSHALL They think I'm a pompous ass. TOMMY Shit, that ain't no secret. 123 EXT. CRAB HOUSE - NIGHT 123 Reinhardt and Loretta about to go in. LORETTA You sure they don't want to be alone, Reinhardt? REINHARDT No, no -- I bet they've been talking about the ethics bill all night. Come on, Loretta, you'll know how to get Marshall's mind off business. 124 INT. CRAB HOUSE - NIGHT - ON MARSHALL AND TOMMY 124 MARSHALL Shit, this place isn't about passing laws any more. It isn't about doing good any more. All it's about is... being here. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 88A. 124 CONTINUED: 124 Loretta and Reinhardt approach their table. LORETTA Well, as I live and breathe. Tommy! Tommy is surprised to see them. She flashes a smile at Marshall. TOMMY Eli, this is Loretta Hicks, from my staff. Loretta, Congressman Marshall. LORETTA Pleasure to meet you. MARSHALL Entirely mine. TOMMY You know Reinhardt, my AA? Marshall nods. Reinhardt turns to Tommy. REINHARDT Excuse me, congressman, could I just do a couple of quick calendar things with you? MARSHALL (to Loretta) Would you care for a drink? LORETTA Tell you the truth, nothing for me. MARSHALL Well, when a pretty lady shoots him down, an old man knows it's time to go home. Marshall rises, pulling out his car keys. MARSHALL You kids have a good time. REINHARDT (indicating pitcher) Listen, you gentlemen look like you've had a few -- Loretta, why don't you be a designated driver? Loretta stands and takes Marshall's keys from him. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 89. 124 CONTINUED: (2) 124 LORETTA Excellent idea. MARSHALL Ah. The good Samaritan. LORETTA Good night, y'all. They leave. REINHARDT Now we've already got the Bankruptcy Institute breakfast tomorrow, but if you don't mind we could wedge in the Prune Board -- This isn't what Tommy wants to be doing now. He gets up. TOMMY I'm packing it in. REINHARDT (also rising) Can we talk while I drive you? TOMMY Thanks, I'll walk. I could use the air. 125 INT. MARSHALL'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT 125 Marshall and Loretta are singing. MARSHALL and LORETTA "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me -- " 126 EXT. CAPITOL HILL STREET - NIGHT 126 Tommy is on foot. Marshall's car, with its Maryland congressional plates, pulls over. LORETTA Come on, honey, no use you getting mugged. 127 INT. MARSHALL'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT 127 MARSHALL and LORETTA "I once was lost, but now am found; was blind, but now I see... " Tommy, in the back, cradles his head. As Loretta heads into a traffic circle, she SEES THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 90. 128 EXT. TRAFFIC CIRCLE - NIGHT - A HOOKER 128 in high sling-back heels. 129 INT. MARSHALL'S CAR - NIGHT 129 LORETTA (turning to look) Check out the fuck-me pumps on that. Mm-mm. I gotta get me some shoes like that. TOMMY Loretta! Please! Your mouth! 130 EXT. TRAFFIC CIRCLE - NIGHT 130 With a SCREECH of brakes and a CRUNCH of metal, a TAXI rear-ends them, SLAMMING Marshall's car into a lamppost. 131 INT. TAXI - NIGHT 131 The Taxi Driver looks at the wreck for a moment. Then he lays rubber and SQUEALS away. 132 INT./EXT. MARSHALL'S CAR - NIGHT 132 On the back floor, Tommy stirs. Seems to be okay. Lifts himself to see up front. The windshield is smashed. Loretta and Marshall are both unconscious. Tommy climbs into the front but can't get the door open. He kicks out a broken window and climbs through. He runs to a phone on the corner and dials 911. TOMMY I need an ambulance right away. IN THE CAR no motion from Loretta or Marshall. AT THE PHONE he dials another number. TOMMY Evening, Mrs. Dodge, Tommy Johnson here, sorry to call at this hour, is Dick back from the Gridiron dinner yet? Could I speak with him for just a moment? 133 INT. DODGE BEDROOM - NIGHT 133 MRS. DODGE is in bed. She hands the phone to Dodge, who's in white tie and tails, looking more sinister than splendid. MRS. DODGE Tommy Johnson. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 91. 133 CONTINUED: 133 DODGE (into phone) What's wrong? INTERCUT Tommy and Dodge. TOMMY How did you know? DODGE Good news doesn't come at this hour. TOMMY I went out with Marshall. We got into an accident. He's out cold. I'm okay. Dodge looks off balance. DODGE Were you driving? TOMMY No. Someone else. Loretta. Dodge recovers his equilibrium. DODGE The girl from your office? TOMMY Yeah. She's out, too. I don't like the way it looks. For anybody. Look. You said you wanted to get back into Marshall's good graces. Well, here's an opportunity. DODGE Listen carefully. Tell the ambulance to take you to Walter Reed. It's a privilege they give congressmen. It's also the only hospital without a bunch of goddam reporters shtupping the nurses in exchange for leaks. They'll keep it quiet. I'll handle the police. You go home and keep your mouth shut. 134 INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT 134 Two figures approach one another in the shadows: Reinhardt, and the Taxi Driver who rear-ended Marshall's car. The cabbie nods. Reinhardt hands him an envelope. The Driver inspects the cash. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 91A. 135 INT. TOMMY'S BATHROOM/BEDROOM - MORNING 135 Tommy is shaving. He HEARS the local tv news from the bedroom. WASHINGTON ANCHOR (V.O.) ... and the Beltway is bumper-to bumper, so you might as well take a day of annual leave and enjoy yourself. At the top of the news, Maryland Congressman Elijah Marshall is in satisfactory condition at Walter Reed Hospital after an overnight accident in the District. Tommy bolts into the bedroom. On the television he sees 136 VIDEO - EXT. WALTER REED HOSPITAL - GATES - DAY 136 A CORRESPONDENT doing a stand-up. CORRESPONDENT That's right, Tom. Marshall reportedly had alcohol in his blood. Also slightly injured was an unidentified woman whom police say has a record in several states for prostitution. Tommy looks sick. TOMMY Oh sweet Jesus. WASHINGTON ANCHOR Linda, Congressman Marshall -- that's Reverend Marshall, isn't it? CORRESPONDENT Right you are, Tom. How this plays into his longstanding campaign to reform congressinoal ethics is now anyone's guess. WASHINGTON ANCHOR Thank you. In other news... Tommy leaps for his clothes. 137 INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 137 Tommy races down the corridor. Ahead of him, Celia, coming out of Marshall's room. She freezes at the sight of him. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 92. 137 CONTINUED: 137 CELIA Get away from him. He approaches her. CELIA And get away from me. TOMMY I have to talk to you. CELIA Go away! TOMMY I was set up! CELIA You were set up? You were in the car! I didn't hear your name on the news! TOMMY No, someone screwed him -- CELIA "Someone"? TOMMY Celia, something stinks here -- CELIA Yeah -- it's you! You don't give a damn about anything! And to think, the other night, I actually thought you cared about someone else. He puts his hand to her face. She brushes it off. CELIA Not me, you jerk -- Mickey Juba! You caved on those power lines, didn't you? I knew it. Damn it, I knew it! What did you get for it? Tommy O'Connor's box at the Redskins? Someone slip you a condo in the Virgin Islands? TOMMY If you'd give me a chance to -- (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 93. 137 CONTINUED: (2) 137 CELIA God, I hate this town -- the only reason I stay is because I hate it so much. TOMMY Celia -- CELIA Get the hell out of here. 138 EXT. FLORIDA PARK - DAY - LONG SHOT - TOMMY AND 138 MICKEY JUBA sitting on the ground, backs to us, beneath the power lines. A quiet moment. REVERSE ANGLE - TWO SHOT. Mickey is shuffling a deck of cards. MICKEY Is it thumb over, or thumb under? TOMMY Under. She tries her hand at a false shuffle. TOMMY Not bad, kid. You've got potential. MICKEY So what's happening? I thought you were going to kick some ass on -- She indicates the derricks. Tommy looks at her, comes to a decision. TOMMY I am. He takes the deck from her, fans it face up, pulls all the kings and aces, stacks them on top, and squares the deck. TOMMY This is one's called the double duke. How many players? MICKEY Six. TOMMY Who's the mark? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 94. 138 CONTINUED: 138 She points to an imaginary poker player. MICKEY Number two -- over there. Tommy, smiling, calculates something for a moment, then gives the deck four shuffles. He hands Mickey the cards. TOMMY Your deal. She deals out six hands in a circle on the ground. TOMMY Look at the sucker's hand. She turns over the hand at number two. It has the four kings. Mickey WHISTLES at the hand. TOMMY Look at your hand. She turns over her own hand. It has the four aces. Mickey looks at the power lines, at the hands, at TJ. Then, understanding: MICKEY That's what you're going to do? Tommy nods. Her face opens into a big smile. MICKEY Let's kick some ass. What do I do? TOMMY Something very important. 139 INT. TOMMY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY 139 Tommy pow-wows with Loretta Van Dyke, and Armando. Aside from a sling, Loretta looks okay. VAN DYKE Why are we meeting here, Tommy? There trouble at the office? TOMMY (impersonating Dodge) "I keep my ear close to the ground." His ear my ass. He had an inside man. ARMANDO That little fuck Reinhardt? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 95. 139 CONTINUED: 139 LORETTA Hot damn -- I knew my driving wasn't that bad. Speaking of which -- you think I should wear one of those whiplash things, Tommy? There some insurance angle I should be working here? TOMMY We got bigger fish to fry, darlin'. VAN DYKE What do we do? TOMMY (beat) The big con. LORETTA We gonna git that sucker. TOMMY Dick always said I should think big. ARMANDO Whoa! Aren't we gettin' out of our league, man? That Dodge is a pro! VAN DYKE You can't con a con, Congressman. LORETTA Shit, that's right, Tommy -- these politicians are serious slick fish. TOMMY You people gone soft on me? Bunch of fuckin' incumbents I got here. Now listen up. Thursday morning Dodge has a breakfast with the Arts Caucus in the Longworth Room. Armando -- find out how fast I can get from Longworth to my office. Loretta -- we need some scoop from the EPA for the roper, I'll give you a list. Van Dyke -- call Hattie at the Silver Foxes, and -- LORETTA Wait a minute -- we need a new roper, don't we? Everyone around here knows our faces. Outside a HORN sounds (O.S.). Tommy looks at his watch. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 96. 139 CONTINUED: 139 TOMMY Right on the nose. He throws open the bay window of the narrow house. Just below is a pickup truck with "Homer's Pit Stop" lettered on the side. Homer gets out. TOMMY My man! The others come to the window to see Homer, still wearing his fuel-smeared overalls, and SHOUT greetings. TOMMY Now let's get to work. 140 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 140 The Members are being seated for a hearing. At the dais, Tommy approaches Dodge. A beat as Dodge studies Tommy's face. TOMMY Eli Marshall caught his tail in a crack, didn't he? DODGE He did. TOMMY You kept my name out of it. DODGE I did. TOMMY I owe you one. DODGE (pleased) You learn fast. TOMMY Do me one favor, Dick. Next time you pull some heavy shit involving my ass, tip me off, okay? DODGE (indulgent chuckle) Alright, son. (BANGS gavel) This hearing of the Power and Enterprise Committee is now in order. The health of America's securities industry -- (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 97. 140 CONTINUED: 140 Reinhardt approaches Tommy and slips him a packet of materials. TOMMY (whispering) Thanks. Listen, Reinhardt, something's come up, and I don't quite know how to handle it. There's a guy from the EPA -- I don't know him -- says he wants to see me. Tonight. Out of the office. Alone, he says. Sound of it makes me nervous. I'd feel better if you were there. REINHARDT You got it, jefe. 141 EXT. GRANT'S STATUE - NIGHT 141 A man waits, alone, in the shadow of a large statue. It's Homer. In a jacket and tie, his stubble shaved off, he looks like a plausible government worker. Tommy and Reinhardt approach. TOMMY Mr. Yancey? HOMER (cold) I thought you'd be alone. TOMMY He's my AA. He goes where I go. If you can trust me, you can trust him. Homer eyes Reinhardt a moment, then continues. HOMER Congressman, I have information I think you may want. It's about something going on at the EPA. TOMMY What have you got? HOMER I got a wife and three kids, and a note on my house, that's what I got. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 98. 141 CONTINUED: 141 TOMMY (laughs) Nothin' comes for nothin' in this town, do it? (to Reinhardt) You got any cash on you? I'm kind of light. REINHARDT (whispering) You can't do that! TOMMY (to Homer) This stuff's pretty good? HOMER In the right hands, it could mean a great deal. TOMMY Okay. Sunday. Fifth race at Del Mar. Blueboy is running twenty to one. I'd take a major position. HOMER You have to be shitting me. TOMMY No, not at all -- my Cousin Henry spends his days pumping water into horses' stomachs and stuffing Percodan up their butts. Trust me. Reinhardt is interested in this. And he admires Tommy's m.o. HOMER (after a moment) Alright. The White House is putting heat on the EPA. They want us to announce a major investigation of the relation between power lines and cancer clusters. REINHARDT But didn't the EPA already do a study? HOMER Yeah, but when the draft got to the White House, they didn't like it. So they brought their own scientists in to kill it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 99. 141 CONTINUED: (2) 141 TOMMY Why did the White House change its mind? HOMER Who knows? TOMMY Is there new evidence? HOMER Yeah -- their polls have dropped like a rock. They need an issue. This one makes them look good on the environment, and they don't have to spend a penny. TOMMY And what good is this to me? HOMER Come on, congressman, in this town, information is currency. And advance information is gold. Reinhardt nods in agreement. HOMER But you've got to move fast. Once the White House goes public with this, they can't turn back. If your friends at the power company want to kill this investigation, they'd better do it now. Evening, gentlemen. After Homer leaves: REINHARDT Blueboy. Twenty to one. Is your Cousin Henry always right? TOMMY I ain't got no Cousin Henry. 142 EXT. PAY PHONE - BY REFLECTING POOL - NIGHT 142 Reinhardt dials. MRS. DODGE'S VOICE (V.O.) Hello? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 100. 142 CONTINUED: 142 REINHARDT Mrs. Dodge, it's Arthur Reinhardt. May I speak to the Chairman, please? DODGE (V.O.) Hello? REINHARDT Are you sitting down? 143 INT. ART CAUCUS ROOM - DAY 143 The Longworth Room, a small circular committee room with an ornate rotunda. The Arts Caucus breakfast is ending. THIRD MEMBER Unless there is further business, our caucus stands adjourned. Dodge gets up. As he makes to leave, Tommy comes in. TOMMY Got a minute, Dick? Tommy takes him aside. The room empties except for them. TOMMY Listen, Dick, I heard something. There's got to be some bid'ness in it. Tommy very discreetly gestures with his thumb and palm: money. TOMMY Maybe we can go in on it together. DODGE I'm listening. TOMMY The EPA is going to make a stink about power lines. The White House is pushing them to do a big study. DODGE That's very interesting, my friend. I've heard that, too. TOMMY (acting surprised) Nothing gets by, do it? Tommy touches his nose, in tribute to the master. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 100A. 143 CONTINUED: 143 DODGE But thank you, son -- I'm glad you chose to share it with me. We do make quite a team, don't we? TOMMY I -- I hope it wasn't my press conference that started this. DODGE No, this is a stunt for the polls. TOMMY So do you think there's something in it for us? DODGE (musing) If we got the EPA off Olaf Andersen's back, he'd be extremely appreciative. TOMMY And how do we do that? DODGE My committee writes the EPA's programs. We audit their funds. We confirm their appointees. I've got them by the balls. TOMMY And you're going to -- ? Tommy makes a squeezing gesture, grins. DODGE Oh, no, not at all -- just... persuasion. Strenuous persuasion. TOMMY That's allowed? DODGE Persuasion, yes. Intimidation, no. But it's a gray area. Who's to say which is which? TOMMY Dick, wait a minute -- shouldn't we check out the tip? Make sure the EPA's really going through with this investigation? (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 101. 143 CONTINUED: (2) 143 DODGE Of course. (looks at watch) He should be in by now. TOMMY Who? DODGE Skeeter Warburton, of course. Always go right to the top, son. 144 INT. DODGE'S RECEPTION AREA - DAY 144 Dodge passes his Secretary's desk on the way into his office. DODGE Get me the EPA Administrator, please. 145 INT. CORRIDOR/STAIRWELL - CANNON - DAY 145 Tommy jogs along the corridor. A tourist Family stares at him. He explains his haste with a smile -- TOMMY There's a vote on the floor. -- and ducks into the stairwell. 146 INT. CATACOMBS - PHONE CABLE ROOM - DAY 146 In a chamber crammed with cables, the Telephone Man listens to a handset. He now sports a gold Rolex on his wrist -- his horse must have come in. Van Dyke, also there, looks at any array of dials and meters, whose hands all suddenly move. Some electronic phone CHIRPS, then the filtered RINGING of a call. VAN DYKE Here he comes. The Telephone Man nods, adjusts some wiring, smiles satisfiedly. TELEPHONE MAN And there he goes. 147 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE 147 Loretta wears a beaded sling, which adds to her look. She is at Tommy's desk, watching his phone as it RINGS. Tommy comes in. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 102. 147 CONTINUED: 147 TOMMY The Administrator. Loretta picks up the phone. LORETTA Office of the Adminstrator. (listens) Thank you, I'll put you right through. She hands the phone to Tommy, who mimics the George Plimpton voice. TOMMY Warbuton here. (listens) Thank you. (waits) Mr. Chairman! I do hope there's something I can help you with today. 148 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - DAY 148 DODGE I need a straight answer from you, Skeeter. Is the White House on your ass about power lines? TOMMY Off the record? DODGE Of course. TOMMY I was looking forward to some serious sailing this week -- Tish and I have a lovely spot right by Kennebunkport. Instead, here I am at three in the morning, writing testimony to your committee about cancer clusters. DODGE Thanks for your candor, Warburton. TOMMY Not at all. You must come sailing with us. Cheers. Bye-bye. Tommy passes the phone back to Loretta. TOMMY Next. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 102A. 149 INT. ANDERSEN'S OFFICE - DAY 149 ANDERSEN Yes? SECRETARY (V.O.) Zeke Bridges on line two. Andersen punches the button to connect the call. 150 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 150 LORETTA I'll just put you through to him. She passes the phone to Tommy. TOMMY Olaf? (coughs) Olaf, Zeke Bridges. Listen, you sum' bitch, I'm so mad, I can't sit down to shit. Have you heard what I heard? (wheezes) INTERCUT with Andersen. ANDERSEN What's that. TOMMY The EPA's fixing to make a big stink about power lines and cancer. They're going to serve us up for breakfast. ANDERSEN Wait a minute. There's no scientific proof -- TOMMY Proof don't mean shit. We're talking politics. They make a federal case out of power lines, I'm screwed. Whole insurance business is screwed. You know how much cash I'd have to pay out in settlements? Even if I stiffed everybody on claims, the legal fees'd be enough to kill me. ANDERSEN I can't believe it. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 103. 150 CONTINUED: 150 TOMMY You better believe it. You're screwed, too. Every hot dog trial lawyer in America soon be lining up to sue both our asses. We got to move on this, Olaf. If I wasn't tied up here, I'd go to Washington myself. Shouldn't you be getting on a plane? Just between us -- you find a way to stop this, I'll find a million bucks if I have to. 151 INT. CORPORATE JET - DAY 151 A very worried Andersen. 152 INT. HILL CORRIDOR - DAY 152 Tommy and Dodge walking along a Capitol hallway. DODGE Olaf will be at my office at five o'clock. TOMMY How do we play it? DODGE Cool. Real cool. You just follow my lead. 153 INT. DODGE'S OFFICE - DAY - DODGE, TOMMY, ANDERSEN, 153 O'CONNOR DODGE I don't know how I can help you on this one, Olaf. This is the EPA. This is the President. ANDERSEN This is my lifeblood! DODGE I see that, Olaf, I see that. But in this town, you pick your fights. ANDERSEN This could mean six figures, Dick. Dodge says nothing, but makes his eyebrows fly. ANDERSEN High six figures. Dodge flicks his eyebrows again: More. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 104. 153 CONTINUED: 153 ANDERSEN Seven figures? TOMMY Between us. It's not that much -- what can you get for half a million these days? ANDERSEN How the hell can I funnel that kind of money to you? O'CONNOR If that's what you want, we can always find a loophole. No one will see your fingerprints. ANDERSEN No one will know? DODGE No one will know. O'CONNOR You're only in trouble if someone can prove a connection. DODGE Of course there's no connection. Olaf's just making a contribution as a patriotic citizen. And in return for it, he's getting -- TOMMY Good government. DODGE Exactly. A little access, that's all. 154 INT. ORNATE CAPITOL HALLWAY - DAY 154 Dodge, Andersen, Tommy, and O'Connor walking along. Up ahead, a cocktail reception. On an easel by the door: HAZARDOUS WASTE ASSOCIATION MEET YOUR REPRESENTATIVE NIGHT. DODGE I've got to do a drop-by. You gentlemen like to join me for a drink? 155 INT. ORNATE FUNCTION ROOM - DAY 155 Dodge and Tommy work the room genially. Tommy spots Celia talking to some Guests and goes over to her. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 105. 155 CONTINUED: 155 TOMMY Hi. CELIA (to Guests, smiling) Excuse me. She turns, starts to walk away. Tommy stops her. TOMMY Look. Whatever you think of me, just promise me one thing. She glares at him angrily. But then she's surprised to hear: TOMMY Come to the Clean Air hearing tomorrow. CELIA (baffled) What? TOMMY Power and Enterprise. Noon. CELIA But why? He gives her an enigmatic smile and slips away. As he rejoins Dodge, Tommy SEES WARBURTON enter the room. Alarmed, TOmmy moves in on Dodge, steering him to avoid the EPA Administrator. TOMMY Shouldn't we be heading off, Dick? DODGE Let's work the room just a bit more. REINHARDT (O.S.) Congressman! Mr. Chairman! As Dodge turns to see him -- DODGE Evening, Reinhardt. -- he SEES Warburton. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 106. 155 CONTINUED: (2) 155 REINHARDT (O.S.) Good to see you, sir. By the way, I thought your opening statement in committee yesterday was brilliant. Dodge points out Warburton to Tommy. DODGE Well. Look who's over there -- Skeeter Warburton from the EPA. The very man we want to see. TOMMY (trying to turn him) Have you tried the oysters, Dick? DODGE At a hazardous waste event? (shakes head) I think we'll go talk to him. TOMMY No, he's the wrong man -- DODGE (bemused by Tommy) You don't understand -- he's the perfect man. TOMMY But -- but you don't want to bother him with this. Talk to one of his underlings -- Dodge looks at Tommy with curiosity, not understanding his reluctance. DODGE Nothing beats man-to-man. TOMMY Here? Not here! DODGE A public place. What could be better? TOMMY But it's the wrong time! DODGE While the iron is hot, son. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 107. 155 CONTINUED: (3) 155 REINHARDT (chiming in helpfully) No time like the present. TOMMY Shut up, Reinhardt, I'm talking to the Chairman. Beat it, okay? REINHARDT (smiling to Dodge) I'll go get him. Reinhardt heads for Warburton. TOMMY (puts hand on abdomen) You heard about this stomach thing going around? DODGE Come on, son, we've got the people's business to do. He leads Tommy off to one side. Reinhardt brings Warburton to them. WARBURTON Mr. Chairman. Congressman. DODGE I've got a big problem, Skeeter. WARBURTON What's that? DODGE Your power lines investigation. WARBURTON What power lines investigation? Tommy is sweating bullets. DODGE We're off the record, Skeeter. This witch-hunt for cancer clusters is bad news for everyone. WARBURTON I don't know what you're talking about, Dick. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 108. 155 CONTINUED: (4) 155 DODGE Alright, I know you're being a good soldier -- WARBURTON No, I'm being straight with you -- DODGE Then let me be straight with you. You announce this study -- I'm not talking about the results down the road, mind you, I'm just talking about the announcement -- and there's broken crockery everywhere. Real estate. Utilities. Insurance. Schools. Local governments. It'll cost jobs. Uproot families. WARBURTON I agree with you completely. There isn't going to be an investigation, old chap, I promise you. DODGE (beat) I'm glad we understand each other. WARBURTON (beat) Yes, I think we do. Tommy silently rejoices in his good fortune. DODGE And we'll just forget about that phone call this morning? WARBURTON We didn't speak on the phone. DODGE (vastly impressed) Excellent. Dodge claps him on the shoulder, then heads off with Tommy, who is delighted to have dodged a bullet. TOMMY (imitating Warburton) "There isn't going to be an investigation, old chap." DODGE (chuckling) You're bad. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 109. 155 CONTINUED: (5) 155 They join up with Andersen and O'Connor. DODGE (sotto voce) Worked like a charm. We scared him shitless. The investigation's dead. ANDERSEN Waiter! Champagne! (to Dodge) See you at the Clear Air hearings. 156 INT. TOMMY'S RECEPTION AREA/CORRIDOR - DAY 156 As Reinhardt comes into the office, Tommy intercepts him. TOMMY Morning, Reinhardt! Got a minute? I need your advice on something. REINHARDT Sure. Tommy leads him back into the corridor. 157 INT. TOMMY'S BOILER ROOM - DAY 157 Van Dyke, Armando, and Loretta work the phones. VAN DYKE Is this the assignment desk? Yes, I'm calling from Chairman Dodge's office, on the Hill. We wanted to be sure CNN was sending a crew to the Clean Air hearing today. ARMANDO (OVERLAPPING) No, not the new emission standards. We're breaking news. This is the biggest thing since Watergate. LORETTA (OVERLAPPING) This is Cynthia Leeson in the White House Press Office. My boss wanted me to let you folks know -- we're making a major announcement at the Clean Air hearings today. (listens) No, I can't tell you, but it's hot. (listens) Well, if the New York Times wants to be the only paper in town to miss the story of the year, that's up to y'all. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 109A. 158 INT. TOMMY'S CAGE/CORRIDOR - DAY 158 Tommy has drawn Reinhardt into the cage. TOMMY I want to do a little something nice for Dodge. That EPA thing -- he's been good to me, Reinhardt. Is there some way I can, like, throw a bouquet to him at the hearing today without having to sit through that boring testimony shit? REINHARDT Why don't you ask him to give you the floor at the start? TOMMY He's do that? REINHARDT For some flattery? In a New York minute. Just tip him ahead of time. TOMMY Good thinking. They return to the corridor. Tommy looks at his watch. TOMMY Say, Reinhardt, my Grandma's plane comes in at ten. You wouldn't mind picking her up and driving Miss Daisy around, would you? REINHARDT Can't one of the others do it? TOMMY No, I don't trust them the way I trust you. TOMMY pats him on the back and sends him on his way. 159 INT. TOMMY'S OFFICE - DAY 159 Tommy, joined by his cronies and the Jubas. TOMMY This is it, people. Game time. Let's get it right. ARMANDO Tell me one thing, jefe. How do you know Andersen is going to bite? TOMMY I don't. You run a con, you run a risk. THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 110. 160 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 160 A hundred or so members of the public -- trade groups, Hill staffers, lawyers, tourists -- settle into their seats. VAN DYKE escorts Hattie Rifkin and a busload of Silver Foxes. Loretta comes in with Ellen and Mickey Juba. GRANDMA comes in, on Reinhardt's arm. She is dressed up as a biddy, down to a hat with fruit on it. COMMITTEE MEMBERS head for their seats at the dais. OLAF ANDERSEN is at the witness table, along with a couple of other businessmen. In a seat behind Andersen, Tommy O'Connor. THE PRESS. A good turnout, with several camera crews. WASHINGTON REPORTER #1 You know what this is? WASHINGTON REPORTER #2 (confidential) It's very hot. Electric cars. CELIA is seated with Ira, her Pro Bono associate. CELIA I'm cutting out early. IRA (indicating TJ) Don't want to run into him? CELIA You got that right. AT THE DAIS Tommy has a private word with Dodge. TOMMY Dick, I thought it might be a nice way to open if I congratulated you on the fine work you been doin' on this committee. Really express our appreciation. Especially on behalf of the minority community. DODGE Why, thank you, son. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 111. 160 CONTINUED: 160 TOMMY (indicating cameras) Wouldn't hurt to have tape like that in the bank, would it, Mr. Speaker? HOMER slips in next to Reinhardt, who is surprised to see him. REINHARDT Mr. Yancey? Arthur Reinhardt. Are you testifying for the agency? GRANDMA (leaning over) Hello, Homer, dear. REINHARDT No, Mrs. Johnson, you must be mistaken -- let me introduce you. This is Mr. Yancey of the EPA. GRANDMA (to Reinhardt) Don't be silly, child. HOMER Homer Norton. Homer's Pit Stop, Axahatchee, Florida. GRANDMA Homer's known Tommy since they were in diapers. REINHARDT (getting up) What the -- ? From the row behind Reinhardt, Armando clamps Reinhardt down. ARMANDO Move and you're history. DODGE GAVELS the meeting to order. DODGE This meeting of the Power and Enterprise Committee to consider the reauthorization of the Clean Air Act is now in session. Today's first business is a panel of national leaders in the field of utilities. (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 112. 160 CONTINUED: (2) 160 DODGE (CONT'D) Before I welcome them, Chair would like to yield to the gentleman from Florida for a word. If there is no objection from the Committee -- ? The gentleman may proceed. TOMMY Mr. Chairman, on behalf of the other members of this committee, and on behalf of myself, I have a very personal statement to make. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you -- thank you for your leadership, for your insight, for your boldness... Dodge preens for the cameras, until: TOMMY ... and for your courage. Especially your courage. DODGE (surprised) My courage? TOMMY Your courage in exposing the corruption that eats away at this institution. Your courage in taking on the special interests. Your courage in taking a major new step -- DODGE But I've... I've... I've done nothing new, nothing at all -- what are you talking about? TOMMY You're right -- integrity isn't new to you, Mr. Chairman, it's second nature to you. Still it's a rare public servant who'll take on the special interest money, take on the PACs -- ANDERSEN, wary, senses danger. TOMMY (O.S.) take on the lobbyists and fat cats -- CELIA is fascinated. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 113. 160 CONTINUED: (3) 160 TOMMY (O.S.) ... and who'll stand up instead for ordinary American citizens... ON ELLEN AND MICKEY JUBA TOMMY (O.S.) ... the plain people who just want peace of mind -- who just want to know they're raising their kids in safe neighborhoods and sending them to safe schools. ON THE DAIS Dodge wants to wrap this up. TOMMY Yes, courage, Mr. Chairman, is a quality that you have in abundance -- DODGE Well, yes, thank you, but we have to move along, if the gentleman would -- TOMMY (undeterred) Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday, the Chairman and I had a meeting in his office with Olaf Andersen of Gulf Coast Power, and his lobbyist, Mr. Tommy O'Connor -- (indicating) these gentlemen here. Chairman Dodge and I listened in astonishment as Olaf Andersen offered us seven figures -- that's one million dollars, ladies and gentlemen. A BUZZ in the room. O'CONNOR leans forward to Andersen. O'CONNOR Dodge double-crossed us. ANDERSEN You're fired. ON TOMMY TOMMY One million dollars, if we would stop the EPA from investigating the connection between power lines and cancer clusters. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 114. 160 CONTINUED: (4) 160 Shocked MURMURS sweep the room. REINHARDT is aghast. HOMER and ARMANDO are delighted. TOMMY Isn't that right, Mr. Andersen? Tommy flicks his eyebrows at Andersen, provocatively, imitating Dodge. ANDERSEN That's a vicious lie. Dodge GAVELS sharply, turns to Tommy. DODGE Will the gentleman yield? ANDERSEN That's not possible! You can't give anyone that kind of money! Dodge continues GAVELING. TOMMY Oh, yes, you can. As Mr. O'Connor said to you, quote: "If that's what you want, we can always find a loophole. No one will know." Remember saying that, Tommy? O'CONNOR I do not! DODGE (standing) I insist that the gentlemen yield! Tommy also stands, and produces a video tape. TOMMY You can't deny it, Mr. Andersen! We have the whole thing on this tape! The room erupts. THE PRESS loves it. Still cameras CLICK and WHIR. DODGE despairs. REINHARDT puts his hand over his face. TOMMY Yesterday, at Chairman Dodge's courageous suggestion, I taped the whole conversation. It's all there. Mr. Chairman, I thank you. The people thank you. America thanks you. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 115. 160 CONTINUED: (5) 160 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS DODGE. The clapping is considerably sweetened by the Panthers and the rest of Tommy's claque. DODGE gauges their reaction, gets an inspiration. The storm leaves his face, and becomes a smile, which he beams on Tommy. DODGE I thank the distinguished gentleman. And I thank my fellow citizens. Our methods in this investigation may have been unorthodox, but together -- (indignant, at Andersen) we have exposed a canker at the very heart of democracy. APPLAUSE. Tommy is amazed at Dodge's survival skills. REINHARDT, delighted at the turn, claps heartily. ANDERSEN, livid, leaps up and shouts at Dodge. ANDERSEN You bastard! You set me up! DODGE Witness is out of order! ANDERSEN You stood to make a million bucks off of me! Who offered you more? I want to know! A new BUZZ sweeps the room. O'Connor tries to restrain Andersen, who sloughs him off. ANDERSEN You're as big a whore as he is! MICKEY JUBA catches Tommy's eye and mouths a question. MICKEY Now? Tommy shakes his head: no. 161 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 161 The phone by Eli Marshall's bed RINGS. He answers. MARSHALL Hello? No. You're joking. (to Man in next bed) You mind if I put on C-span? THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 116. 162 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 162 ANDERSEN There's no loyalty any more, is there, Dick? What about the three hundred grand you squeezed from me for that goddam voter registration front of yours -- that just water under the bridge? O'Connor tries again to restrain him. ANDERSEN Don't touch me, you scum! MICKEY JUBA mouths: MICKEY Now? Tommy shakes his head again. No. ANDERSEN What about the two hundred k for your phony foundation, Dick? How about the ten thousand copies if your goddam autobiography you muscled me to buy -- what's all that, ancient history? Andersen advances toward the dais, pointing now to six or seven other Members of the Committee among the total of 28. ANDERSEN And you -- what about those bundled checks from my executives? I gave you my condo in Vail! I gave you my corporate jet to fly all over the world! I gave your kids summer jobs! I put up scholarships to put your kids through college! I hired your goddam wife to redecorate my office! You telling me none of that counts for anything? Andersen grabs Dodge by the throat. ANDERSEN I thought you people were for sale! I was wrong -- you're just for rent! Dodge struggles free of Andersen, who is dragged away from Dodge by Capitol Police. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 117. 162 CONTINUED: 162 DODGE How dare you impugn my integrity! Everything I've done has been completely legal! TOMMY (acting astonished) Mr. Chairman! You mean to say you did all that stuff? You took all that money? Shock in the room. Some BOOS. IOWA does a nice HOG CALL. TJ sends a little wave and smile to Celia. DODGE There's nothing I've done that -- (indicating other Members) -- that these gentlemen haven't done! Committee Members rush to dissociate themselves from Dodge. MEMBERS No!... Not me!... Just him!... I never!... He crossed the line! ANDERSEN They're whores! All of them! MICKEY JUBA tries again. MICKEY Now? TJ nods yes. MICKEY Throw the bums out! LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE. She's touched a nerve. TJ leaps into the moment. TJ Damn straight! Throw the bums out! This place is an outhouse! ON THE PUBLIC. GASPS, WHOOPS, and APPLAUSE. Reinhardt sinks lower and lower into his seat. VOICES (calling) Throw the bums out! Throw the bums out! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 118. 162 CONTINUED: (2) 162 Tommy, enjoying the triumph, can't help rubbing Dodge's nose in it. TOMMY I owed you one. Dodge wheels on Tommy, exploding. DODGE You lowlife hustler! Who are you to talk? You got into this House through fraud. You think I didn't check up on you? He pulls a piece of paper from the pile at his place. DODGE Ladies and gentlemen, I have here some rather startling revelations about this Mr. Johnson before you. This man is nothing but a con man! A fresh BUZZ from the room. DODGE A common grifter! (consulting paper) He's wanted in three counties for bunco! He's a convicted swindler! Some BOOS. REINHARDT emerges from his hole, encouraged. DODGE (O.S.) A fugitive from justice for card sharping, bookmaking, confidence games -- ON DODGE AND TOMMY DODGE -- and other charges the FBI has only begun to investigate! I dare you to respond! A hush in the room. TOMMY You know what? He's right! But let me tell you something -- all that's nothing, compared to what I pulled here in Washington... and this shit's all legit! (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 119. 162 CONTINUED: (3) 162 LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE. Dodge BANGS the gavel repeatedly. DODGE The gentleman is out of order! The gentleman is out of order! This committee is adjourned! GRANDMA leaps to her feet. GRANDMA Stop banging! Stop banging! That man has something to say! Massive APPLAUSE. Dodge is stunned by the enormity of the sentiment against him. TOMMY Adjourned? Fine. Leave. (indicating cameras) Turn your backs on the whole country. That what you want to do, gentlemen? The Members remain in place, paralyzed. TOMMY (to the room) I'm a con man. A small-time con man. Do you know what it was like for me to come to Congress? It was for like dying and going to heaven. If I did back home the kind of scams I've run in Congress, my ass would be in Sing Sing. But no, I'm not a crook -- up here, I'm a distinguished gentleman! 163 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 163 Eli, watching on television. TOMMY (ON TV) Now don't get me wrong. They're not all bums. But boy, do the rotten fish stink up the barrel. Marshall APPLAUDS. The Man in the next bed joins in. 164 INT. POWER AND ENTERPRISE COMMITTEE - DAY 164 TOMMY Now tell me, people -- while these guys are buying and selling each other, who's standing up for you? (MORE) (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 120. 164 CONTINUED: 164 TOMMY (CONT'D) I'll tell you who. Nobody! Nobody gets five hundred bucks an hour to lobby for the average Joe! There's no Shnook PAC! There's no National Association for Ordinary Assholes! Sure, everyone's against cancer, but "everyone" doesn't have an office on K Street! (to committee Members) Don't you folks get it? We're supposed to be the people's lobbyists. Congress is supposed to be America's political action committee. APPLAUSE and SHOUTS of support. Several Members on the dais join the applause, seeing a winning issue. CELIA shakes her head in wonder. Tommy goes to Mickey and stands her up on a chair. TOMMY She's right. Throw the bums out -- starting with me! I'm gonna found me a new party. The Don't Vote For Me Party. Any of y'all want to join up? APPLAUSE and CALLS of enthusiasm. TOMMY Well, come on, then! C'mon, get up, we got work to do! The room erupts, electrified, chanting. VOICES Throw the bums out! Throw the bums out! Tommy is engulfed by people and lights. Dodge, Andersen, and O'Connor -- desperate, snarling -- are pinned to the wall by the SHOUTING Press Corps. Loretta AND GRANDMA watch Tommy bask in his new notoriety. LORETTA That Miss Oprah's gonna love his ass. (CONTINUED) THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 121-124. 164 CONTINUED: (2) 164 CELIA arrives where Tommy is standing. She looks at him a beat. Then a big smile. They kiss. CELIA Tommy Johnson. Kamikaze congressman. 165 EXT. CAPITOL STEPS - DAY 165 Tommy and Celia walk down the steps, arm in arm. CELIA I can't wait to see that tape you made. Tommy pulls it from his pocket, glances at it, and tosses it away. TOMMY Why? I bought it this morning. It's blank. As they continue down the steps, CAMERA CRANES UP to WIDE SHOT of the Capitol and the town beyond. FADE OUT. THE END

DO THE RIGHT THING by Spike Lee Second Draft March 1, 1988; Brooklyn, N.Y. Forty Acres and a Mule Filmworks, Inc. YA-DIG SHO-NUFF BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY WGA #45816 "The greatest miracle Christianity has achieved in America is that the black man in white Christian hands has not grown violent. It is a miracle that 22 million black people have not risen up against their oppressors--in which they would have been justified by all moral criteria, and even by the democratic tradition! It is a miracle that a nation of black people has so fervently continued to believe in a turn-the-other-cheek and heaven-for-you-after-you-die philosophy! It is a miracle that the American Black people have remained a peaceful people, while catching all the centuries of hell that they have caught, here in white man's heaven! The miracle is that the white man's puppet Negro 'leaders,' his preachers and the educated Negroes laden with degrees, and others who have been allowed to wax fat off their black poor brothers, have been able to hold the black masses quiet until now." --THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MALCOLM X TITLES--WHITE ON BLACK PLACE Brooklyn, New York CUT TO: TIME Present CUT TO: WEATHER Hot as shit! CUT TO: INT: WE LOVE RADIO STATION STOREFRONT--DAY EXTREME CLOSE UP WE SEE only big white teeth and very Negroidal (big) lips. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Waaaake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Up ya wake! Up ya wake! Up ya wake! CAMERA MOVES BACK SLOWLY TO REVEAL MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY, a DJ, a radio personality, behind a microphone. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY This is Mister Señor Love Daddy. Your voice of choice. The world's only twelve-hour strongman, here on WE LOVE radio, 108 FM. The last on your dial, but the first in ya hearts, and that's the truth, Ruth! The CAMERA, which is STILL PULLING BACK, shows that Mister Señor Love Daddy is actually sitting in a storefront window. The control booth looks directly out onto the street. This is WE LOVE RADIO, a modest station with a loyal following, right in the heart of the neighborhood. The OPENING SHOT will be a TRICK SHOT--the CAMERA PULLING BACK through the storefront window. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Here I am. Am I here? Y'know it. It ya know. This is Mister Señor Love Daddy, doing the nasty to ya ears, ya ears to the nasty. I'se play only da platters dat matter, da matters dat platter and that's the truth, Ruth. He hits the cart machine and we hear a station jingle. VO L-O-V-E RADIO. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Doing da ying and yang da flip and flop da hippy and hoppy (he yodels) Yo da lay he hoo. I have today's forecast. (he screams) HOT! He laughs like a madman. INT: DA MAYOR'S BEDROOM--DAY An old, grizzled man stirs in the bed, his sheets are soaked with sweat. He flings them off his wet body. DA MAYOR Damn, it's hot. INT: JADE'S APARTMENT--DAY CAMERA MOVES IN ON a young man sitting at the edge of a sofa bed. CLOSE UP--HIS SMALL HANDS WE SEE him counting his money. This isn't any ordinary counting of money, he's straightening out all the corners of the bills, arranging them so the bills--actually the "dead presidents"--are facing the same way. This is MOOKIE. Once he's finished with that task, counting his money, he sneaks into his sister's bedroom. INT: JADE'S BEDROOM--DAY CLOSE UP--JADE JADE, Mookie's sister, is fast asleep. Mookie's fingers ENTER THE FRAME and start to play with her lips. Jade pushes his hands away. Mookie waits several beats and he continues. Jade wakes up--mad. JADE Don't you have enough sense not to bother people when they're sleeping? MOOKIE Wake up! JADE Wake up? Saturday is the lone day I get to sleep late. MOOKIE It's gonna be hot today. JADE Good! Leave me alone when I'm sleeping. I'm gonna get a lock on my door, to keep ya ass outta here. MOOKIE Don't ya love ya brother Mookie anymore? I loves ya, Jade. JADE Do me a favor. Go to work. MOOKIE Later. Gotta get paid. He plants a big fat juicy on his sister's forehead. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY A 1975 El Dorado pulls up in front of the neighborhood pizzeria--Sal's Famous Pizzeria. From out of the car comes the owner, SAL, a slightly overweight man in his early fifties, and his two sons, PINO, 22, and VITO, 20. It's time for them to go to work at Sal's Famous Pizzeria in the heart of Black Brooklyn. Sal's sits on the corner of The Block. The Block being where this film on the hottest day of the summer takes place. Pino kicks a beer can in his path into the gutter. SAL Pino, get a broom and sweep out front. PINO Vito, get a broom and sweep out front. VITO See, Pop. That's just what I was talkin' about. Every single time you tell Pino to do something, he gives it to me. PINO He's nuts. SAL The both of youse, shaddup. VITO Tell Pino. PINO Get the broom. VITO I ain't getting shit. SAL Hey! Watch it. PINO I didn't want to come to work anyway. I hate this freakin' place. SAL Can you do better? C'mere. Pino is now silent. Sal walks over to him. SAL Can you do better? (he pops Pino upside the head) I didn't think so. This is a respectable business. Nuthin' wrong with it. Get dat broom. PINO Tell Vito. VITO Pop asked you. SAL I'm gonna kill somebody today. EXT: MOOKIE'S BROWNSTONE--DAY Mookie comes down his stoop and walks to work. EXT: STREET--DAY The Block is beginning to come to life. Those unlucky souls who have to work this Saturday drag themselves to it, and the kids are out on the street to play in the hot sun all day long. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DAY Mookie stops to say hello to MOTHER SISTER. She leans out her window on the parlor floor. In the summertime, the only time when she's not perched in her window is when she's asleep. MOTHER SISTER Good morning, Mookie. MOOKIE Good morning to you. MOTHER SISTER Now, Mookie, don't work too hard today. The man said it's gonna be HOT as the devil. I don't want ya falling out from the heat. You hear me, son? MOOKIE I hear ya, Mother Sister. I hear you. MOTHER SISTER Good. I'll be watching ya, son. Mother Sister always watches. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie enters the pizzeria and Pino is on him before the door closes. PINO Mookie, late again. How many times I gotta tell you? MOOKIE Hello, Sal. Hello, Vito. SAL How ya doin', Mookie? VITO Whaddup? MOOKIE Just coolin'. PINO You're still late. SAL Pino, relax, will ya. PINO Here, take the broom. The front needs sweeping. MOOKIE Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I just got here. You sweep. I betcha Sal asked you first anyhow. VITO That's right. PINO Shaddup, Vito. MOOKIE Fuck dat shit. I deliver pizzas. That's what I get paid for. PINO You get paid to do what we say. MOOKIE What we say. I didn't hear Sal say nuthin'. Pino looks at his father. He wants to be backed up on this; all he gets is an amused look, and a smirk from Vito. PINO Who's working for who? There's a knock on the door and Da Mayor enters. SAL Come on in, Mayor. DA MAYOR Good morning, gentlemens. It's gonna be a scorcher today, that's for sure. Need any work done around here? Sal looks at Pino, who reluctantly gives Da Mayor the broom. DA MAYOR It will be the cleanest sidewalk in Brooklyn. Clean as the Board of Health. Da Mayor almost runs out of the pizzeria in his hurry; soon as he finishes he'll be able to get a bottle. PINO Pop, I don't believe this shit. We runnin' welfare or somethin'? Every day you give dat bum-- MOOKIE Da Mayor ain't no bum. PINO Give dat bum a dollar for sweeping our sidewalk. What do we pay Mookie for? He don't even work. I work harder than him and I'm your own son. MOOKIE Who don't work? Let's see you carry six large pies up six flights of stairs. No elevator either and shit. SAL Both of youse--shaddup. This is a place of business. VITO Tell 'em, Pop. PINO Me and you are gonna have a talk. VITO Sez who? PINO Sez me. SAL Hey! What did I say? MOOKIE Who doesn't work? Don't start no shit, won't be no shit. SAL Mookie, no cursing in the store. MOOKIE Talk to your son. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Da Mayor sweeps the sidewalk, happy as can be. As soon as he finishes he can get that money and get that bottle. EXT: STOOP--DAY A group of youths sit on a stoop, waiting for someone. They are CEE, PUNCHY, and the lone female, ELLA. ELLA What's keeping him? PUNCHY You call him, then. Ella stands up and yells. ELLA Yo, Ahmad! PUNCHY I coulda done dat. ELLA Yo, Ahmad! She looks up into his window, then sits down. ELLA Punchy, if ya want to do some more screaming, be my guest. I'm too through. The door swings open at the top of the stoop and AHMAD appears. AHMAD Who's yelling my name? ELLA Punchy told me to. AHMAD Don't listen to him, it will get ya in trouble. ELLA Heard that, Punchy. Ahmad sits down with them. AHMAD Ella, you have a brain, use it. In the BG, we hear the dum-dum-dum of a giant box. The sound gets louder as the box gets closer. The youths look down the block and see a tall young man coming towards them. He has a very distinct walk, it's more like a bop. This is RADIO RAHEEM. The size of his box is tremendous and one has to think, how does he carry something that big around with him? It must weigh a ton, and it seems like the sidewalk shakes as the rap music blares out. The song we hear is the only one Radio Raheem plays. MEDIUM SHOT--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem stops in front of the group, looks at them, and turns down the volume. It's quiet again. RADIO RAHEEM Peace, y'all. ELLA Peace, Radio Raheem. CEE Peace. 10. PUNCHY You the man, Radio Raheem. AHMAD It's your world. CEE In a big way. Radio Raheem nods and turns up the volume. Way up. AHMAD My people. My people. EXT: WE LOVE STOREFRONT--DAY Radio Raheem waves to Mister Señor Love Daddy as he walks by. INT: WE LOVE CONTROL BOOTH--DAY Mister Señor Love Daddy gives Radio Raheem a clenched-fist salute. EXT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--DAY Da Mayor walks into a newly opened fruit and vegetable deli stand that is owned by Koreans. INT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--DAY Da Mayor is looking for his beer in the refrigerated cases, his ice-cold beer. DA MAYOR Where's the Bud? Where's the Bud? KOREAN CLERK No mo' Bud. You look what we have and buy. DA MAYOR No more Bud. What kind of joint is this? How come no mo' Bud? Doctor, this ain't Korea, China, or wherever you come from. Get some Budweiser in this motherfucker. KOREAN CLERK You buy 'nother beer. 11. DA MAYOR Alright. Alright. Y'know you're asking a lot to make a man change his beer, that's asking a lot, Doctor. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DAY Da Mayor has his can of beer (not Budweiser) and the brown paper bag is twisted into a knot at the bottom. He stops and takes a long swig. MOTHER SISTER You ole drunk. What did I tell ya about drinking in front of my stoop? Move on, you're blocking my view. Da Mayor lowers the can from his mouth and looks up at his heckler. It's obvious from the look on his face he's heard this before. Da Mayor contorts his face and stares at her. MOTHER SISTER You ugly enough. Don't stare at me. Da Mayor changes his face into a more grotesque look. MOTHER SISTER The evil eye doesn't work on me. DA MAYOR Mother Sister, you've been talkin' 'bout me the last eighteen years. What have I ever done to you? MOTHER SISTER You're a drunk fool. DA MAYOR Besides that. Da Mayor don't bother nobody. Nobody don't bother Da Mayor but you. Da Mayor just mind his business. I love everybody. I even love you. MOTHER SISTER Hold your tongue. You don't have that much love. DA MAYOR One day you'll be nice to me. We might both be dead and buried, but you'll be nice. At least civil. 12. Da Mayor tips his beat-up hat to Mother Sister and takes a final swig of beer just for her. INT: TINA'S APARTMENT--DAY An elderly Puerto Rican woman, CARMEN, is telling off her daughter TINA in Spanish. Tina, having heard enough, closes the door on her mother's ranting and raving. ANGLE--TINA Tina bends down and scoops her baby son HECTOR up from the bed and holds him for dear life to her breasts. She talks to her son while walking around the room. TINA Hector, I shouldn't be telling you this but you would find out sooner or later. Ya father ain't no real father. He's a bum, a two-bit bum in a hundred-dollar world. Your father is to the curb. You're smart. I see that look on ya face. You're saying if he's such a bum why am I with him? Good question. Like I said before, you're no dummy. He talked his way into my panties, I thought being a mother would make me happy, make me whole. He's a mistake, but you are not. Tina kisses her son. Tina is seventeen years old, another teenage parent. EXT: STREET CORNER--DAY Every day on this corner, summer or winter, spring or fall, a small group of men meet. They have no steady employment, nothing they can speak of; they do, however, have the gift of gab. These man can talk, talk, and mo' talk, and when a bottle is going round and they're feeling "nice," they get philosophical. These men become the great thinkers of the world, with solutions to all its ills; like drugs, the homeless, and AIDS. They're called the Corner Men: SWEET DICK WILLIE, COCONUT SID, and ML. All three are sitting in folding chairs up against a wall in the shade. ML The way I see it, if this hot weather continues, it will surely melt the polar caps and the whole wide world--the parts that ain't water already--will be flooded. 13. COCONUT SID You a dumb-ass simple motherfucker. Where did you read that? ML Don't worry about it. But when it happens and I'm in my boat and ya black ass is drowning, don't ask me to throw you a lifesaver either. SWEET DICK WILLIE Fool, you're thirty cents away from a quarter. How you gonna get a boat? ML Don't worry about it. SWEET DICK WILLIE You're raggedy as a roach. You eat the holes out of donuts. ML I'll be back on my feet. Soon enough. SWEET DICK WILLIE So when is all this ice suppose to melt? INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Customers are in Sal's; it's lunchtime and it's fairly busy. Sal puts a hot slice down on the counter in front of BUGGIN' OUT, a b-boy. SAL You paying now or on layaway? Buggin' Out looks at the slice. BUGGIN' OUT How much? SAL You come in here at least three times a day. You a retard? A buck fifty. BUGGIN' OUT Damn, Sal, put some more cheese on that motherfucker. 14. SAL Extra cheese is two dollars. Y'know dat. BUGGIN' OUT Two dollars! Forget it! Buggin' Out slams his money down on the counter, takes his slice and sits down. ANGLE--TABLE All around Buggin' Out, peering down from the WALL OF FAME, are signed, framed, eight by ten glossies of famous Italian Americans. WE SEE Joe DiMaggio, Rocky Marciano, Perry Como, Frank Sinatra, Luciano Pavarotti, Liza Minnelli, Governor Mario Cuomo, Al Pacino and, of course, how can we forget Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa: THE ITALIAN STALLION, also RAMBO. CLOSE UP--BUGGIN' OUT He looks at the pictures hovering above him. BUGGIN' OUT Mookie. CLOSE UP--MOOKIE MOOKIE What? CLOSE UP--BUGGIN' OUT BUGGIN' OUT How come you ain't got no brothers up? CLOSE UP--MOOKIE MOOKIE Ask Sal. ANGLE--PIZZERIA BUGGIN' OUT Sal, how come you ain't got no brothers up on the wall here? SAL You want brothers up on the Wall of Fame, you open up your own business, then you can do what you wanna do. My pizzeria, Italian Americans up on the wall. 15. VITO Take it easy, Pop. SAL Don't start on me today. BUGGIN' OUT Sal, that might be fine, you own this, but rarely do I see any Italian Americans eating in here. All I've ever seen is Black folks. So since we spend much money here, we do have some say. SAL You a troublemaker? Pino walks over to Buggin' Out. PINO You making trouble. BUGGIN' OUT Put some brothers up on this Wall of Fame. We want Malcolm X, Angela Davis, Michael Jordan tomorrow. Sal comes from behind the counter with his Louisville Slugger Mickey Mantle model baseball bat. Vito is by his side, but Mookie intercepts them, and takes Buggin' Out outside. SAL Don't come back, either. BUGGIN' OUT Boycott Sal's. Boycott Sal's. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY MOOKIE Buggin' Out, I gotta work here. BUGGIN' OUT I'm cool. I'm cool. MOOKIE Come back in a week, it will be squashed. They give each other five. 16. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie enters. SAL Mookie, if your friends can't behave, they're not welcome. MOOKIE I got no say over people. PINO You talk to 'em. MOOKIE People are free to do what they wanna do. SAL I know, this is America, but I don't want no trouble. EXT: STREET--DAY Mookie walks down the block with pizza box in hand when he sees Da Mayor sitting on his stoop. DA MAYOR Mookie. MOOKIE Gotta go. DA MAYOR C'mere, Doctor. Mookie turns around and goes back. DA MAYOR Doctor, this is Da Mayor talkin'. MOOKIE OK. OK. DA MAYOR Doctor, always try to do the right thing. MOOKIE That's it? DA MAYOR That's it. 17. MOOKIE I got it. INT: TENEMENT BUILDING--DAY Mookie is hiking up a flight of stairs. ANGLE--STAIRCASE He puts the pizza box down and takes a breather. CLOSE UP--MOOKIE Sweat drips off his face. ANGLE--MOOKIE He bends down to pick up the pizza box and tackles the last few flights. CLOSE UP--DOORBELL Mookie pushes the buzzer. ANGLE--DOOR A young Puerto Rican woman opens the door. NILDA I hope it's not cold. Mookie hands her the pizza. MOOKIE No, it's not cold. Twelve dollars for the pie. Nilda hands him a handful of singles. Mookie looks at the crumpled mess. Nilda attempts to close the door, but Mookie's foot says, "Hell no." MOOKIE Hold it. Let me count this first. First he straightens out the dollars, then counts the bills. MOOKIE You're short. NILDA I counted the twelve dollars myself. MOOKIE Twelve is right, but no tip. 18. NILDA No tip. MOOKIE Look, lady. I carried your pizza up five flights of stairs and shit. The cheese didn't slide over to one side like it sometimes does with delivery people who don't care. I do care. May I get paid? Nilda looks at him and sees right away he's not going anywhere. NILDA Wait here. MOOKIE I'll wait. Nilda goes into the apartment and we hear her talking in Spanish to a male. ANGLE--MOOKIE Mookie bends down to tie his sneakers. ANGLE--DOOR Nilda reappears and holds out a lonely lone dollar for him. Mookie has her hold it out for awhile, then he takes it. MOOKIE Gracias mucho. Nilda slams the door. MOOKIE A dollar! Cheap bastard! Your pizza is gonna be fucked next time. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DAY Jade sits down next to Mother Sister on the stoop. MOTHER SISTER Jade, you're late. JADE I know, Mother Sister, but I'm here now. Where's the stuff? Mother Sister hands her a bag that is at her side. 19. MOTHER SISTER Seen your brother, just walked by. Jade unwraps a head scarf from around Mother Sister's head and a full head of long black hair falls to her shoulders. JADE This might take some time. MOTHER SISTER I got nowhere to go. We haven't had a good sit-down for a long while. Jade begins to part, grease, and comb out Mother Sister's hair. MOTHER SISTER Tender-headed runs in my family. You tender-headed? JADE Yeah, me too. MOTHER SISTER That's why I don't fool with it. Only let you touch it...Ouch! JADE Sorry, comb got caught. MOTHER SISTER Be gentle, child. Mother Sister is an old woman. JADE How are you holding up in this weather? MOTHER SISTER I'll do. JADE I don't know why you still haven't bought an air conditioner. MOTHER SISTER Don't like 'em. A fan will do. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor stands in front of the stoop, he's smiling for days. 20. DA MAYOR I didn't know you had such beautiful hair. ANGLE--STOOP MOTHER SISTER Fool, there's a lot in this world you don't know. CLOSE UP--DA MAYOR DA MAYOR I'm not stopping. I'm on my way. The Mayor tips his hat and heads up the block. ANGLE--STOOP JADE You are too cruel to Da Mayor, it isn't right. MOTHER SISTER I'm not studying no Mayor. Besides, he reminds me of my least favorite peoples. My tenants and my ex- husband--Goddamn-bless his soul. They both laugh. MOTHER SISTER Number One: I got some jive, late- rent-paying trifling Negroes in this house. Every year I keep threatening to sell it. JADE And move to Long Island... MOTHER SISTER And move to Long Island. Number Two: my ex-husband lost all my property, all my money in his scheme to build a Black business empire. Needless to say what happened, this house is it, all I got. I'm too through with yar people. CLOSE UP--JADE JADE Whew! 21. She looks up at the white-hot sun. CLOSE UP--MOTHER SISTER She does the same. X CLOSE UP--THE WHITE-HOT SUN HOT, HOTTER AND HOTTEST MONTAGE Right now, folks, we're gonna suspend the narrative and show how people are coping with the oppressive heat. People are taking cold showers. Sticking faces in ice-cold, water-filled sinks. Heads stuck in refrigerators. A wife tells her husband, "Hell no, I'm not cooking. It's too hot. The kitchen is closed." Men downing six-packs of ice-cold brew. Faces stuck directly in front of fans. A young kid cracks an egg on Sal's Cadillac. The moment the egg hits the car hood it starts to cook. The kid looks directly INTO THE CAMERA and smiles, then looks up to see Sal, mad as a motherfucker, chasing after him. And how can I forget the papers, the newspaper headlines. New York Post: "A SCORCHER" New York Daily News: "2 HOT 4 U?" New York Newsday: "OH BOY! BAKED APPLE" New York Times: "RECORD HEATWAVE HITS CITY" EXT: STREET--DAY CLOSE UP--JOHNNY PUMP POW! A powerful gush of water flies out RIGHT AT THE CAMERA. Ahmad has just turned on the johnny pump and the white stream of water flies across the street. This attracts all the people of the block. It's a chance to cool off and momentarily beat the killer heat. ANGLE--CEE AND PUNCHY They both scrape beer cans on the sidewalk. 22. ANGLE--ELLA She stands with caution away from the fire hydrant. Ella does not want to get wet. ANGLE--CEE AND PUNCHY They're still scraping away. ANGLE--STREET Folks, young and old, begin to get in the water and play. ANGLE--CEE AND PUNCHY Both now have cans with the ends scraped away, and go to the johnny pump. Punchy bends down behind the hydrant and places the can over the water. The can now directs the water into giant streams. ANGLE--ELLA Ahmad sneaks up behind Ella and picks her up. She's kicking and screaming furiously. ELLA Ahmad! Put me down! Put me down! I can't get wet! I'm not playing! Ahmad is not having it. He carries a kicking Ella into the middle of the street in direct line of fire. AHMAD Yo! ELLA No! They both are hit with a blast of water and are soaked to the bone. Ella starts to punch Ahmad, and chases after him. ANGLE--STREET We hear the familiar rap music of Radio Raheem's box. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem is too cool. By the way he's dressed, it could be fall, not the hottest day of the year. But you could never tell it from him. He's too cool. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM 23. Raheem looks at Cee, he wants to get by and he doesn't want to get wet either. And if his box gets wet, somebody is gonna die. Cee knows this too. ANGLE--JOHNNY PUMP Cee stands in front of the hydrant, blocking the water so Radio Raheem can pass. ANGLE--RADIO RAHEEM He slowly bops across the street as all eyes watch. When he's clear, Cee moves and the water gushes out again as folks play. ANGLE--STREET We hear a car horn blowing. People move out of the way as the vehicle speeds through the spray. ANGLE--WHITE CONVERTIBLE An older man, CHARLIE, stops his white convertible and blows his horn. CHARLIE I'm not playing. There's gonna be trouble if you fuck around. CLOSE--CEE AND PUNCHY PUNCHY Go 'head. You got it. You got it. CLOSE--CHARLIE CHARLIE This is an expensive car. CLOSE--CEE CEE You won't get wet. ANGLE--HYDRANT Both Punchy and Cee sit in front of the hydrant once again, blocking the water. ANGLE--WHITE CONVERTIBLE The car cautiously eases forward. Charlie doesn't trust Cee and Punchy at all. 24. CLOSE--CHARLIE CHARLIE I'm warning you. CLOSE--CEE AND PUNCHY PUNCHY C'mon. CEE Hurry up. We ain't got all day. ANGLE--STREET The people all move to the car, for they know what is about to happen. ANGLE--HYDRANT Cee and Punchy leap off the hydrant, unleashing a jet blast that flies directly into Charlie's car. The whole block is dying. ANGLE--STREET Charlie pulls his flooded car over to the curb, jumps out, and runs to get hold of Cee and Punchy. Of course, he's slow, as the kids turn into track stars and make like Carl Lewis. ANGLE--STREET Charlie, a wet mess, tries to buy some sympathy from the folks; none is to be bought. CHARLIE I'm fucking soaked. If I ever catch those fucks they'll be sorry. Cocksucking sonabitches! The ranting continues, and people laugh at him. CHARLIE You people make me sick. A cop car screeches to a halt in front of the man. Two officers, LONG and PONTE, get out. CHARLIE Officers, I want an arrest made. Now. 25. OFFICER PONTE What happened? CHARLIE Two Black kids soaked me and my car. It's fucking ruined. OFFICER LONG Where are they? CHARLIE Where are they? What kind of fucking asshole question is that? They ran the fuck away. OFFICER PONTE Do you wish to file a complaint? CHARLIE A complaint. I want those fucks locked under the jail. Officer Long goes into his car and gets a wrench. ANGLE--JOHNNY PUMP Officer Long turns off the hydrant, then puts the cap back on. OFFICER PONTE This hydrant better not come back on or there's gonna be hell to pay. CHARLIE What about my car? I want justice. Officer Long sides up to Da Mayor who's been looking on. OFFICER LONG You know anything about this? Da Mayor is quiet. CHARLIE He knows. He's a witness. They all know. He saw the whole thing. Officer Ponte goes to Da Mayor's other side. OFFICER LONG Who were the punks? DA MAYOR Those who'll tell don't know. Those who know won't tell. 26. OFFICER PONTE A wise guy. Mookie emerges from the crowd and leads Da Mayor away from the interrogation. MOOKIE Let's go, Mayor. OFFICER LONG Keep this hydrant off. You want to swim, go to Coney Island. CHARLIE He's leaving? What about me? OFFICER PONTE I suggest you get in your car quick, before these people start to strip it clean. The man looks at the crowd of Blacks and Puerto Ricans around him and he considers what he just heard. OFFICER LONG Let's go, break it up. Go back to your jobs. OFFICER PONTE What jobs? Both cops laugh. ANGLE--STREET Charlie drives away, fuming. INT: ROOFTOP--DAY Cee and Punchy look down from a roof on all the havoc and confusion they've started. Both laugh. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie enters. SAL Mookie, what took you so long? I got a business to run. MOOKIE Run it then. 27. SAL Here, this goes to the radio station. He gives Mookie a bag full of food. VITO Pop, I'm gonna go with Mookie. SAL Good, make sure he don't jerk around. PINO Yeah, hurry back, it's getting crowded. EXT: STREET--DAY Vito and Mookie walk down the block. VITO Mister Señor Love Daddy is cool. MOOKIE Ya like him, huh? VITO Yeah. MOOKIE Y'know, Vito, I know Pino is ya brother and shit, but the next time he hits ya, the next time he touches ya, you should "house him." Kick his ass. VITO I don't know. MOOKIE If you don't make a stand, he's gonna be beating ya like a egg for the rest of your life. VITO That's what you think? MOOKIE That's what I think. VITO I don't like to fight. 28. MOOKIE Do it this one time and he'll never touch you again. EXT: WE LOVE RADIO--DAY Mookie and Vito wave at Mister Señor Love Daddy through the storefront window and he buzzes them in. OMIT INT: CONTROL BOOTH--DAY Mookie and Vito very quietly walk in; the man is on the air. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Peoples, my stomach's been grumbling but help has arrived. My main man Mookie has saved the day, straight from Sal's Famous Pizzeria, down the block. Come up to the mike, Mookie. Mookie goes to the mike. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY C'mon, don't be shy. Mmm, smells good. This is ya Love Daddy talkin' to ya, starvin' like Marvin. Say something, Mookie. MOOKIE Mister Señor Love Daddy, I'd like to dedicate the next record to my heart, Tina. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Alright. Let me play this record while I go to work on my chicken Parmigiana hero with extra cheese and extra sauce. He hits the cart machine... VO I just looove you so much Mister Señor Love Daddy. WE LOVE RADIO, 108 FM. ...then cues up the record. 29. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Here ya are. (he hands Mookie a twenty-dollar bill) Keep the change. MOOKIE That's right on time. This is my friend, Vito. His pops is Sal. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Tell ya father he makes the best heros in Brooklyn. VITO I'll do that. MOOKIE We're outta here. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Thanks for stopping by. WE LOVE Radio, 108 FM. EXT: STREET--DAY On a stoop, a group of Puerto Ricans sits talking, drinking cerveza frío, and playing dominoes. One of their cars is parked near the stoop, and blasts salsa music. ANGLE--RADIO RAHEEM As usual we hear the rap music of Radio Raheem, but underneath the salsa music. Radio Raheem does not like to be bested; the salsa music from the parked car is giving him competition, this is no good. Radio Raheem stands in front of the stoop and raises his decibel level. ANGLE--STOOP The Puerto Rican men look at him, then begin to yell at him in Spanish. There is a standoff, the rap and salsa clashing in a deafening roar. One of the men, STEVIE, gets off the stoop and goes to the car. ANGLE--CAR Stevie turns the car radio off. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem smiles, nods, turns his box to a reasonable listening level, and bops down the block. Radio Raheem still the loudest. Radio Raheem still the king. 30. STEVIE You got it, bro. ANGLE--STOOP The men curse in Spanish and shake their heads in bewilderment and Stevie turns the salsa back on. EXT: STREET--DAY Vito and Mookie see Buggin' Out on their way back to Sal's. MOOKIE You the man. BUGGIN' OUT You the man. MOOKIE No, you the man. BUGGIN' OUT No. I'm just a struggling Black man trying to keep my dick hard in a cruel and harsh world. Buggin' Out gives Mookie five and a menacing look at Vito. MOOKIE Vito is down. EXT: STREET--DAY Buggin' Out is walking down the block when CLIFTON, a yuppie, accidentally bumps into him, stepping on his new sneakers. CLOSE--BUGGIN' OUT He looks at his sneakers. CLOSE--SNEAKERS There is a big black smudge on his new white unlaced Air Jordans. ANGLE--BUGGIN' OUT He runs down the block after Clifton. BUGGIN' OUT Yo! Clifton turns around. 31. BUGGIN' OUT Yo! CLIFTON Yes? BUGGIN' OUT You almost knocked me down. The word is "excuse me." CLIFTON Excuse me. I'm very sorry. BUGGIN' OUT Not only did you knock me down, you stepped on my new white Air Jordans that I just bought and that's all you can say, "Excuse me?" This commotion has attracted a crowd, including Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella. BUGGIN' OUT I'll fuck you up quick two times. HERE WE GO! BUGGIN' OUT Who told you to step on my sneakers? Who told you to walk on my side of the block? Who told you to be in my neighborhood? CLIFTON I own a brownstone on this block. BUGGIN' OUT Who told you to buy a brownstone on my block, in my neighborhood on my side of the street? The crowd likes that one and they laugh and egg him on. BUGGIN' OUT What do you want to live in a Black neighborhood for? Motherfuck gentrification. CLIFTON I'm under the assumption that this is a free country and one can live where he pleases. 32. BUGGIN' OUT A free country? AWWW SHIT! Why did he get Buggin' started? BUGGIN' OUT I should fuck you up just for that stupid shit alone. Buggin' Out looks down at his marred Air Jordans. The crowd, smelling blood, wants to see some. AHMAD Your Jordans are dogged. CEE You might as well throw 'em out. PUNCHY They looked good before he messed them up. ELLA You used to be so fine. AHMAD How much did you pay for them? CEE A hundred bucks. AHMAD A hundred bucks! BUGGIN' OUT You're lucky the Black man has a loving heart. Next time you see me coming, cross the street quick. AHMAD He's dissing you. BUGGIN' OUT Damn, my brand-new Jordans. You should buy me another pair. CLIFTON I'm gonna leave now. BUGGIN' OUT If I wasn't a righteous Black man you'd be in serious trouble. SERIOUS. 33. The crowd gives their approval. BUGGIN' OUT Move back to Connecticut. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie and Vito enter the shop. SAL I should have Vito go with you all the time. PINO Yeah, no more ninety-minute deliveries around the corner. MOOKIE Pino, I work hard like everybody in here. VITO He's right. PINO C'mere. (Pino smacks his brother) Don't get too friendly with da Mook. SAL That's gonna be the last time you hit Vito. MOOKIE Smack him back. PINO What? MOOKIE Remember what I said. Vito stands frozen in front of his brother. PINO Are you gonna listen to this Mook? Listen to him tell you to smack me? Your only brother? Vito walks away and Mookie is disgusted. PINO I didn't think so. 34. EXT: STREET--DAY Officers Ponte and Long drive down the block and at the corner they stop, glare at the Corner Men. CLOSE--OFFICER PONTE CLOSE--SWEET DICK WILLIE CLOSE--OFFICER LONG CLOSE--COCONUT SID ANGLE--POLICE CAR OFFICER PONTE What a waste. ANGLE--CORNER Sweet Dick, ML, and Coconut Sid stare right back at the cops. ANGLE--POLICE CAR It drives off. ANGLE--CORNER COCONUT SID As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted by the finest. ML What was you saying? Coconut Sid blanks. SWEET DICK WILLIE Motherfucker wasn't saying shit. ML Look at that. COCONUT SID Look at what? ML points across the street to the Korean fruit and vegetable stand. ML It's a fucking shame. SWEET DICK WILLIE What is? 35. ML Sweet Dick Willie. SWEET DICK WILLIE That's my name. ML Do I have to spell it out? COCONUT SID Make it plain. ML OK, but listen up. I'm gonna break it down. SWEET DICK WILLIE Let it be broke. ML Can ya dig it? SWEET DICK WILLIE It's dug. CLOSE--ML ML Look at those Korean motherfuckers across the street. I betcha they haven't been a year off da motherfucking boat before they opened up their own place. CLOSE--COCONUT SID COCONUT SID It's been about a year. CLOSE--ML ML A motherfucking year off the motherfucking boat and got a good business in our neighborhood occupying a building that had been boarded up for longer than I care to remember and I've been here a long time. CLOSE--SWEET DICK WILLIE SWEET DICK WILLIE It has been a long time. 36. CLOSE--COCONUT SID COCONUT SID How long? CLOSE--ML ML Too long! Too long. Now for the life of me, I haven't been able to figger this out. Either dem Koreans are geniuses or we Blacks are dumb. This is truly a stupefying question and all three are silent. What is the answer? COCONUT SID It's gotta be cuz we're Black. No other explanation, nobody don't want the Black man to be about shit. SWEET DICK WILLIE Old excuse. ML I'll be one happy fool to see us have our own business right here. Yes, sir. I'd be the first in line to spend the little money I got. Sweet Dick Willie gets up from his folding chair. SWEET DICK WILLIE It's Miller time. Let me go give these Koreans s'more business. ML It's a motherfucking shame. COCONUT SID Ain't that a bitch. EXT: STOOP--DAY Da Mayor sits on his stoop and a kid, EDDIE, runs by. DA MAYOR Sonny! Sonny! Eddie stops. DA MAYOR Doctor, what's your name? 37. EDDIE Eddie Lovell. DA MAYOR How old are you? EDDIE Ten. DA MAYOR What makes Sammy run? EDDIE My name is Eddie. DA MAYOR What makes Sammy run? EDDIE I said my name is Eddie Lovell. DA MAYOR Relax, Eddie, I want you to go to the corner store. How much will it cost me? EDDIE How would I know how much it's gonna cost if I don't know what I'm buying? DA MAYOR Eddie, you're too smart for your own britches. Listen to me. How much do you want to run to the store for Da Mayor? EDDIE Fifty cents. DA MAYOR You got a deal. He gives Eddie some money. DA MAYOR Git me a quart of beer, Budweiser, say it's for your father, if they bother you. Eddie runs down the block just as Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella pass him. 38. AHMAD Who told him he was Da Mayor of this block? CEE He's self-appointed. ELLA Leave him alone. PUNCHY Shut up. DA MAYOR Go on now. Leave me be. AHMAD You walk up and down this block like you own it. CEE Da Mayor. PUNCHY You're old. AHMAD A old drunk bum. Da Mayor stands up from his seat cushion on the stoop. AHMAD What do you have to say? DA MAYOR What do you know 'bout me? Y'all can't even pee straight. What do you know? Until you have stood in the doorway and heard the hunger of your five children, unable to do a damn thing about it, you don't know shit. You don't know my pain, you don't know me. Don't call me a bum, don't call me a drunk, you don't know me, and it's disrespectful. I know your parents raised you better. The teenagers look at Da Mayor. ELLA He told you off. Da Mayor sits back down on his seat cushion on his stoop. 39. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY ANGLE--PAY PHONE ON WALL Mookie is on the phone. MOOKIE I know I haven't seen you in four days. I'm a working man. TINA (VO) I work too, but I still make time. MOOKIE Tina, what do you want me to do? TINA (VO) I want you to spend some time with me. I want you to try and make this relationship work. If not, I'd rather not be bothered. MOOKIE Alright. Alright. I'll be over there sometime today. TINA (VO) When? MOOKIE Before I get off work. TINA (VO) Bring some ice cream, I'm burning up. Do you love me? MOOKIE Do I love you? CLOSE--SAL SAL Mookie, get offa da phone. CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE Be off in a second. Tina, I dedicated a record on Mister Señor Love Daddy's show to you. TINA (VO) Big deal. 40. CLOSE--SAL SAL Mookie! How is anybody gonna call in? CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE Big deal? If that's not LOVE, I don't know what is. CLOSE--PINO PINO You deaf or what? CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE Gotta go. See ya soon. (he hangs up) Everybody happy now? The phone rings right away and Pino picks it up. ANGLE--PINO PINO Sal's Famous Pizzeria, yeah, two large pizzas, pepperoni and anchovies, hold on... See, Pop, Mookie fucking talking on the phone and people are trying to call in orders. He's making us lose business. CLOSE--SAL SAL Mookie, you're fucking up. PINO Twenty minutes. (he hangs up the phone) How come you niggers are so stupid? CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE If ya see a nigger here, kick his ass. CLOSE--PINO 41. PINO Fuck you and stay off the phone. CLOSE--VITO VITO Forget it, Mookie. ANGLE--PIZZERIA MOOKIE Who's your favorite basketball player? PINO Magic Johnson. MOOKIE And not Larry Bird? Who's your favorite movie star? PINO Eddie Murphy. Mookie is smiling now. MOOKIE Last question: Who's your favorite rock star? Pino doesn't answer, because he sees the trap he's already fallen into. MOOKIE Barry Manilow? Mookie and Vito laugh. MOOKIE Pino, no joke. C'mon, answer. VITO It's Prince. He's a Prince freak. PINO Shut up. The Boss! Bruuucce!!!! MOOKIE Sounds funny to me. As much as you say nigger this and nigger that, all your favorite people are "niggers." 42. PINO It's different. Magic, Eddie, Prince are not niggers, I mean, are not Black. I mean, they're Black but not really Black. They're more than Black. It's different. With each word Pino is hanging himself even further. MOOKIE Pino, I think secretly that you wish you were Black. That's what I think. Vito, what do you say? PINO Y'know, I've been listening and reading 'bout Farrakhan, ya didn't know that, did you? MOOKIE I didn't know you could read. PINO Fuck you. Anyway, Minister Farrakhan always talks about the so-called "day" when the Black man will rise. "We will one day rule the earth as we did in our glorious past." You really believe that shit? MOOKIE It's e-vit-able. PINO Keep dreaming. MOOKIE Fuck you, fuck pizza, and fuck Frank Sinatra, too. PINO Well, fuck you, too, and fuck Michael Jordan. CUT TO: RACIAL SLUR MONTAGE The following will be a QUICK-CUTTING MONTAGE of racial slurs, with different ethnic groups pointing the finger at one another. Each person looks directly INTO THE CAMERA. CLOSE--MOOKIE 43. MOOKIE Dago, wop, garlic-breath, guinea, pizza-slinging, spaghetti-bending, Vic Damone, Perry Como, Luciano Pavarotti, Sole Mio, nonsinging motherfucker. CUT TO: CLOSE--PINO PINO You gold-teeth, gold-chain-wearing, fried-chicken-and-biscuit-eatin', monkey, ape, baboon, big thigh, fast-running, three-hundred-sixty- degree-basketball-dunking spade Moulan Yan. CUT TO: CLOSE--STEVIE STEVIE You slant-eyed, me-no-speak- American, own every fruit and vegetable stand in New York, Reverend Moon, Summer Olympics '88, Korean kick-boxing bastard. CUT TO: CLOSE--OFFICER LONG OFFICER LONG Goya bean-eating, fifteen in a car, thirty in an apartment, pointed shoes, red-wearing, Menudo, meda- meda Puerto Rican cocksucker. CUT TO: CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK It's cheap, I got a good price for you, Mayor Koch, "How I'm doing," chocolate-egg-cream-drinking, bagel and lox, B'nai B'rith asshole. CUT TO: 44. INT: WE LOVE RADIO STATION CONTROL ROOM--DAY CLOSE--MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Yo! Hold up! Time out! Time out! Y'all take a chill. Ya need to cool that shit out... and that's the truth, Ruth. CUT TO: CLOSE--WHITE-HOT SUN INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie picks up his two pizza pies for delivery. MOOKIE Sal, can you do me a favor? SAL Depends. MOOKIE Can you pay me now? SAL Can't do. MOOKIE Sal, just this once, do me that solid. SAL You know you don't get paid till we close tonight. We're still open. MOOKIE I would like to get paid now. SAL Tonight, when we close. Mookie leaves. EXT: STREET--DAY Mookie walks down the block. The streets are filled with kids playing. WE SEE stoop ball, double dutch, hand games, bike-riding, skateboarding, etc. ANGLE--MOOKIE 45. Radio Raheem approaches Mookie. MOOKIE Whaddup. Money? RADIO RAHEEM I was going to buy a slice. MOOKIE I'll be back after I make this delivery. RADIO RAHEEM On the rebound. Mookie stares at the gold "brass knuckles" rings Radio Raheem wears on each hand. Spelled out across the rings are the words "LOVE" on the right hand and "HATE" on the left hand. MOOKIE That's the dope. RADIO RAHEEM I just copped them. Let me tell you the story of Right-Hand--Left- Hand--the tale of Good and Evil. MOOKIE I'm listening. RADIO RAHEEM HATE! He thrusts up his left hand. RADIO RAHEEM It was with this hand that Brother Cain iced his brother. LOVE! He thrusts up his right hand. RADIO RAHEEM See these fingers, they lead straight to the soul of man. The right hand. The hand of LOVE! Mookie is buggin'. RADIO RAHEEM The story of Life is this... He locks his fingers and writhes, cracking the joints. 46. RADIO RAHEEM STATIC! One hand is always fighting the other. Left Hand Hate is kicking much ass and it looks like Right Hand Love is finished. Hold up. Stop the presses! Love is coming back, yes, it's Love. Love has won. Left Hand Hate KO'ed by Love. Mookie doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. RADIO RAHEEM Brother, Mookie, if I love you I love you, but if I hate you... MOOKIE I understand. RADIO RAHEEM I love you, my brother. MOOKIE I love you, Black. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Radio Raheem enters Sal's with music blaring. RADIO RAHEEM Two slices. SAL No service till you turn dat shit off. RADIO RAHEEM Two slices. PINO Turn it off. SAL Mister Radio Raheem, I can't even hear myself think. You are disturbing me and you are disturbing my customers. Sal grabs his Mickey Mantle bat from underneath the counter. Everyone, Sal, Vito, Pino, Radio Raheem, and the customers are poised for something to jump off, STATIC. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM 47. He smiles and turns off the beat. RADIO RAHEEM Two slices, extra cheese. CLOSE--SAL Sal puts Mickey Mantle back into its place. SAL When you come in Sal's Famous Pizzeria, no music. No rap, no music. Capisce? Understand?... This is a place of business. Extra cheese is two dollars. INT: TENEMENT HALLWAY--DAY Mookie hands the pizzas over and takes the money and counts it. MOOKIE Thanks. EXT: STREET--DAY Mookie walks, says hello to the people he knows. EXT: STOOP--DAY Mookie runs up stoop. INT: MOOKIE'S APARTMENT--DAY We hear a key in the door, the lock turns and Mookie enters. MOOKIE Jade. JADE (OS) I'm in here. INT: JADE'S BEDROOM--DAY Jade sits in a chair directly in front of an air conditioner going full blast. JADE How come you're not at Sal's? MOOKIE I'm working. 48. JADE Is this another one of your patented two-hour lunches? MOOKIE I just come home to take a quick shower. JADE Sal's gonna be mad. MOOKIE Later for Sal. Y'know, sometimes I think you're more concerned with him than me. JADE I think no such a thing. Sal pays you, you should work. MOOKIE Slavery days are over. My name ain't Kunta Kinte. Sis, I don't want to argue, stop pressing me. JADE I just don't want you to lose the one job you've been able to keep, that's all. I'm carrying you as it is. MOOKIE Don't worry 'bout me. I always get paid. JADE Yeah, then ya should take better care of your responsibilities. MOOKIE What responsibilities? JADE I didn't stutter. Take care of your responsibilities. Y'know exactly what I'm talking about. INT: BATHROOM--DAY Mookie turns on the shower and screams; the water is ice cold. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DAY Mother Sister sits in her window looking out at the block. 49. EXT: DA MAYOR'S STOOP--DAY Da Mayor has fallen asleep sitting on his stoop. His hands loosely hold a brown paper bag that is tightly twisted around a beer can. EXT: CORNER--DAY Sweet Dick, ML, and Coconut Sid each hold an umbrella for protection from the hot and harsh rays. EXT: FIRE ESCAPE--DAY Ahmad, Punchy, Cee, and Ella sit on a fire escape, trying to keep still, trying to find a cool spot in the shade. No one says a word. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Sal takes a seat at one of the tables. SAL I'm beat. Pino sits down next to his father. PINO Pop, I think we should sell this place, get outta here while we're still ahead...and alive. SAL Since when do you know what's best for us? PINO Couldn't we sell this and open up a new one in our own neighborhood? SAL Too many pizzerias already there. PINO Then we could try something else. SAL We don't know nuthin' else. PINO I'm sick of niggers, it's a bad neighborhood. I don't like being around them, they're animals. 50. VITO Some are OK. PINO My friends laugh at me all the time, laugh right in my face, tell me go feed the Moulies. SAL Do your friends put money in your pocket? Pay your rent? Food on ya plate? Pino is quiet. SAL I didn't think so. PINO Pop, what else can I say? I don't wanna be here, they don't want us here. We should stay in our own neighborhood, stay in Bensonhurst. SAL So what if this is a Black neighborhood, so what if we're a minority. I've never had no trouble with dese people, don't want none either, so don't start none. This is America. Sal's Famous Pizzeria is here for good. You think you know it all? Well, you don't. I'm your father, you better remember that. INT: BATHROOM--DAY Mookie pulls the shower curtain back and steps out. INT: MOOKIE'S ROOM--DAY Mookie sits on his bed, still wet. ANGLE--JADE JADE Hurry up and get dressed. MOOKIE I'm coming. JADE I'm going with you. 51. BUGGIN' OUT BOYCOTT MONTAGE EXT: STREET--DAY BUGGIN' OUT Da Mayor, we need your leadership. DA MAYOR Doctor, what are you talkin' bout? BUGGIN' OUT I'm organizing a boycott of Sal's Famous Pizzeria. DA MAYOR Keep walkin', Doctor. I don't want to hear none of your foolishness. CUT TO: CLOSE--CORNER MEN ML No! COCONUT SID No! SWEET DICK WILLIE Hell no! Goddamnit. Sal ain't never done me no harm. You either. CUT TO: CLOSE--BUGGIN' OUT BUGGIN' OUT Would you like to sign a petition to boycott Sal's Famous Pizzeria. CUT TO: CLOSE--AHMAD, CEE, PUNCHY, and ELLA They DOG him out (ADLIB) CUT TO: CLOSE--BUGGIN' OUT BUGGIN' OUT I'll do it without your help. 52. EXT: WE LOVE RADIO--DAY Buggin' Out waves at Mister Señor Love Daddy as he walks by the storefront. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Buggin' Out sticks his head in and yells: BUGGIN' OUT Sal, we're gonna boycott ya fat ass. Before Sal and his two sons can answer, Buggin' Out is gone. EXT: STREET--DAY Buggin' Out has one foot up on a fire hydrant and tries to clean his soiled Air Jordan. ANGLE--JADE AND MOOKIE Jade and Mookie walk up to Buggin' Out. BUGGIN' OUT It's so nice to see a family hanging out together. MOOKIE We're not hanging out. I'm being escorted back to work. JADE That's not even true. I just want a slice. BUGGIN' OUT Jade, you don't know this, but I'm organizing a boycott of Sal's Famous Pizzeria. JADE What did he do this time? BUGGIN' OUT Y'know all those pictures he has hanging on the Wall of Fame? JADE So? BUGGIN' OUT Have you noticed something about them? 53. JADE No. MOOKIE (interjects) Yo, I'm gone. JADE I'll see ya there. BUGGIN' OUT Peace. Mookie leaves. BUGGIN' OUT Every single one of those pictures is somebody Italian. JADE And? BUGGIN' OUT And I--we--want some Black people up. JADE Did you ask Sal? BUGGIN' OUT Yeah, I asked him. I don't want nobody in there, nobody spending good money in Sal's. He should get no mo' money from the community till he puts some Black faces up on that motherfucking wall. Jade looks at Buggin' Out like "Are you serious?" JADE Buggin' Out, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you can really direct your energies in a more useful way. BUGGIN' OUT So, in other words, you are not down. JADE I'm down, but for a worthwhile cause. BUGGIN' OUT Jade, I still love you. 54. JADE I still love you too. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY SAL Mookie, you are pushing it. You're really pushing it. I'm not paying you good money to fucking jerk me around. Mookie has nothing to say. SAL You're gonna be in the street with the rest of your homeboys. PINO 'Bout time, Pop. ANGLE--DOOR Jade enters, and Sal looks up. He stops blasting Mookie and a very noticeable change comes over him. SAL Jade, we've been wondering when ya would pay us a visit. JADE Hi, Sal, Pino, Vito. JADE What's happening, Jade? JADE Nuthin' really. How are you treating my brother? SAL The Mook? Great. Mookie's a good kid. PINO Pop, stop lying. SAL Shaddup! Jade, what can I fix you? JADE What's good? 55. SAL Everything, but for you I'm gonna make up something special. Take a seat. There, that's a clean table. Sal moves behind the counter and goes to work. Pino and Mookie look at each other in agreement, neither likes what he has seen. This happens to Sal every time Jade is in Sal's Famous Pizzeria. ANGLE--TABLE Vito sits down with Jade. JADE You still letting Pino push you around? VITO Who told you that? He doesn't push me, who told you, Mookie tell you that? I hold my own. JADE Forget about it, Vito. Forget I even brought it up. VITO Pino picks on me, but I don't let him push me around. Mookie tell you that? JADE Alright already. EXT: ROOFTOP--DUSK The once white-hot sun is now turning into a golden orange glaze as it begins to set. Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella dance on the roof around a box that is turned into WE LOVE. Each one is trying to come up with some new moves, a new dance, and a name for it. EXT: STREET--DUSK Radio Raheem is walking down the block and there is something wrong, something is not quite right. AHA! His music is not loud; the rap song begins to drag and finally stops altogether. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM He looks at his box and presses the battery level indicator. 56. CLOSE--BATTERY LEVEL INDICATOR The needle doesn't move. His batteries have had it. INT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--DUSK CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM RADIO RAHEEM Twenty "D" Duracells. CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK Twenty "C" Duracells. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM RADIO RAHEEM D, not C. CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK C Duracell. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM RADIO RAHEEM D! D! D! You dumb motherfucker. Learn how to speak English first. D. Radio Raheem points to the D batteries behind the counter. CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK How many you say? CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM RADIO RAHEEM Twenty! Motherfucker! Twenty! CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK KOREAN CLERK Motherfucker you. Radio Raheem has to laugh at that one. 57. RADIO RAHEEM Motherfucker you. You're alright. You're alright. Just gimme my twenty Duracells, please. EXT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--DUSK Da Mayor is looking at a bunch of cut flowers when Radio Raheem comes out with batteries in hand--finally. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--DUSK ANGLE--WINDOW Mother Sister is sitting in her window as usual. ANGLE--STOOP Da Mayor walks up the stoop with a bunch of fresh-cut flowers in a discarded wine bottle for a vase. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor holds them out for Mother Sister, who does not acknowledge him at all. DA MAYOR I'd thought you might like these... I guess not. Da Mayor takes a seat on the stoop and puts the flowers to his face. DA MAYOR Ain't nuthin' like the smell of fresh flowers. Don't you agree, Miss Mother Sister? Mother Sister does not answer. He puts the flowers down. DA MAYOR Summertime, all ya can smell is the garbage. Stink overpowers everything, especially soft sweet smells like flowers. He looks up at Mother Sister who immediately turns away. DA MAYOR If you don't mind, I'm gonna set right here, catch a breeze or two, then be on my way. Da Mayor looks up at the setting sun. 58. DA MAYOR Thank the Lord, the sun is going down, it's hot as blazes. Yes Jesus. CLOSE--SUN The sun is an orange and purple glaze. EXT: STREET--DUSK Radio Raheem is back in action. He's alive, he's bad and he got his twenty "D" Duracell batteries, his box is kicking. ANGLE--CORNER Radio Raheem bops by Coconut Sid, ML, and Sweet Dick Willie. CLOSE--COCONUT SID, ML, and SWEET DICK WILLIE All three shake their heads in bewilderment as Radio Raheem goes by. ML What can you say? COCONUT SID I don't know how he does it. Sweet Dick Willie gets up from his chair and goes to the corner, zips down his pants, and urinates. SWEET DICK WILLIE ML? ML What? SWEET DICK WILLIE ML, hold this for me. Sweet Dick Willie and Coconut Sid laugh. ML That's OK. At least my moms didn't name me Sweet Dick Willie. Sweet Dick Willie zips up his pants and returns to his seat. SWEET DICK WILLIE Why you gotta talk 'bout my moms? ML Nobody talkin' 'bout ya moms. 59. SWEET DICK WILLIE I didn't say nobody, I said you. ML Sweet Dick, I didn't mean it like that. SWEET DICK WILLIE Yes you did. COCONUT SID Squash it. ML I just wanted to know who named ya Sweet Dick Willie? SWEET DICK WILLIE It's just a name. COCONUT SID And what does ML stand for? ML ML stands for ML. That's it. SWEET DICK WILLIE Naw, that's some stupid shit. Now you know how I got that name. ML Negroes kill me, always holdin' onto, talkin' 'bout their dicks. COCONUT SID I don't know 'bout you, but it's too hot to fuck. SWEET DICK WILLIE Never too hot, never too cold for fucking. EXT: STREET--DUSK An old Puerto Rican man rings a bell as he pushes a cart on wheels. On the side of the cart is hand-lettered HELADO DE COCO, and a big block of ice rests on top surrounded by different colored bottles of flavors. ANGLE--CART A group of kids eagerly waits for the ices. The man scrapes the block of ice, puts the shavings in a paper cup, and drowns it with syrup. 60. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor is walking down the street. ANGLE--MISTER SOFTEE TRUCK We hear the familiar tune from the Mister Softee truck as it comes down the street. ANGLE--EDDIE LOVELL Eddie, the young kid who earlier ran an errand for Da Mayor, looks up from the sidewalk where he's playing and runs out into the street in pursuit of Mister Softee. EDDIE Ice cream. Ice cream. Eddie is running in pursuit of the truck, unaware of the oncoming speeding car. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor sees speeding car bearing down on Eddie. ANGLE--STREET Da Mayor runs across the street and knocks Eddie down, out of the way of the car. Both are thrown as they are hit by the reckless driver. CLOSE--EDDIE AND DA MAYOR Eddie is crying as Da Mayor picks him up. DA MAYOR Doctor, you know better to run out in the street... Stop crying, son. ANGLE--STREET A crowd gathers. DA MAYOR Doctor, there's nothing to cry about. You're OK. A woman in her twenties, LOUISE, Eddie's mother, breaks through the crowd and hugs her baby. LOUISE What's wrong? 61. EDDIE Mayor knocked me down. LOUISE You should be ashamed of yourself. DA MAYOR Ma'am, the boy is just scared to death. What actually happened is that I was minding my business when I saw your son about to be run over. I ran into the street to save him and I had to knock him down to keep the both of us from getting hit. The crowd agrees "That's the way it happened," and Louise stands up. LOUISE Eddie, is that the truth? Eddie is quiet. LOUISE Eddie, you hear me talkin' to you? Eddie is still mum. LOUISE I'm talkin' to you, boy. DA MAYOR Miss, the boy is fine. WHAP! Louise hits Eddie on da butt. Eddie starts to dance, as his mother hits hard; she's heavy-handed. LOUISE What I tell you 'bout lying? WHOP! LOUISE What did I tell you 'bout playing in the street? WHAP! EDDIE Mommy! Mommy! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. WHOP! 62. LOUISE Get upstairs now. Eddie runs away. LOUISE And when your father comes home, he's gonna wear ya little narrow behind out too. DA MAYOR You didn't have to hit your son; he's scared to death as it was. LOUISE I appreciate ya helping my Eddie. I truly do, but I'll have nobody question how I raise him, not even his Daddy. DA MAYOR You're right. Louise goes away, probably to give her son another "whooping." Da Mayor tips his hat to her. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DUSK Sal sits at a table talking to Jade as she finishes her "special" slice. JADE Sal, that was delicious. SAL Anytime. Vito, Pino, and Mookie look on, watching Sal have the time of his life. JADE Thanks. Jade gets up and Mookie helps her. MOOKIE I'll see you out. JADE See ya around. SAL Don't wait too long to come back. 63. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DUSK Mookie takes Jade by the hand and pulls her out of view from Sal. ANGLE--MOOKIE AND JADE MOOKIE Jade, I don't want you coming in here no mo'. JADE Stop tripping. MOOKIE No, you're tripping. Don't come in Sal's. Alright, read my lips. JADE What are you so worked up about? MOOKIE Over Sal, the way he talks and the way he looks at you. JADE He's just being nice. MOOKIE Nice! JADE He's completely innocent. MOOKIE Innocent! JADE I didn't stutter. You heard me. MOOKIE You should see the way he looks at you. All Sal wants to do is hide the salami. JADE You are too crude. MOOKIE I might be, but you're not welcome here. 64. JADE Stop trying to play big brother. I'm a grown woman. You gotta lotta nerve. Mookie, you can hardly pay your rent and you're gonna tell me what to do. Come off it. MOOKIE One has nuthin' to do with the other. JADE Oh, it doesn't, huh! You got your little 250 dollars a week plus tips... MOOKIE I'm getting paid... JADE ...peanuts. MOOKIE Pretty soon I'll be making a move. JADE I truly hope so. I'm tired of supporting a grown man. INT: CONTROL BOOTH--DUSK CLOSE--MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY As the evening slowly falls upon us living here in Brooklyn, New York, this is ya Love Daddy rappin' to you. Right now we're gonna open up the Love Lines. Hello, you're on Love Daddy's Love Line. No names, please. Let's keep it anonymous. FEMALE VOICE #1 (VO) Hi, Mister Señor Love Daddy. I'd kiss your feet every morning, that's how much I love you. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY How nice of you. FEMALE VOICE #2 (VO) I think you have the sexiest voice in the world. All you have to do is talk. 65. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Love Line, you're on. FEMALE VOICE #3 (VO) You give me fever. (she moans) MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY She's feeling it. FEMALE VOICE #4 (VO) Love Daddy, I'd work in Mickey D's 24, 7, and 365 just to call you my own. Give you all my money, honey. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY That was the last call for tonight on Mister Señor Love Daddy's Love Line. I love you. You I love. EXT: MOTHER SISTER'S STOOP--NIGHT Da Mayor is walking by Mother Sister in her window when she calls him. CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER MOTHER SISTER Mister Mayor, I saw what you did. ANGLE--DA MAYOR Da Mayor stops and looks at her. A smile comes to his face; after eighteen years has he finally broken down her defenses? CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER MOTHER SISTER That was a foolish act, but it was brave. That chile owes you his life. CLOSE--DA MAYOR DA MAYOR I wasn't trying to be a hero. I saw what was about to happen and I reacted, didn't even think. If I did, I might not have done it in second thought. Da Mayor is an old man, haven't run that fast in years. (MORE) 66. DA MAYOR (CONT'D) I went from first to home on a bunt single, scored the winning run, the bottom of the ninth, two out, August 1, 1939, Snow Hill, Alabama. (he is warming up now) Maybe I should be heroic more often. CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER MOTHER SISTER Maybe you shouldn't. Don't get happy. This changes nothing between you and me. You did a good thing and Mother Sister wanted to thank you for it. ANGLE--STOOP DA MAYOR I thank you. MOTHER SISTER You're welcome. Da Mayor tips his hat. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Mookie enters. MOOKIE Sal, I don't care if you fire me this exact minute, leave my sister alone. SAL Mookie, I don't know what you're talking about, plus I don't want to hear it. MOOKIE Sal, just do me a favor, leave Jade alone. SAL Here, you gotta delivery. Mookie takes the pie and looks at the address. MOOKIE Is this the right name and address? 67. SAL Yeah, do you know 'em? MOOKIE No, just checking. INT: HALLWAY--NIGHT Mookie rings the bell and a fine Puerto Rican sister answers the door. MOOKIE Delivery from Sal's Famous Pizzeria. TINA What took you so long? Is it hot? MOOKIE Hot. Hot. TINA Come in then. INT: TINA'S APARTMENT--NIGHT Tina watches Mookie watch her. When she's through watching, she takes the pizza from his hands and puts it on the floor. Mookie grabs her and starts to kiss. Tina is Mookie's woman, the one he's been on the phone with earlier. We've heard the voice and now SEE the person. MOOKIE Tina, you are too slick. TINA How else was I going to get you here? I haven't seen you in a week. MOOKIE I've been working hard, getting paid. TINA Where's the ice cream? The Häagen- Dazs butter pecan? MOOKIE Shit! I forgot. TINA Your memory is really getting bad. MOOKIE I just forgot. 68. TINA And I really wanted some ice cream too. MOOKIE I can run out and get it. TINA No! No! You won't come back either. MOOKIE I can't be staying long anyway. TINA How long then? MOOKIE Long enough for us to do the nasty. TINA That's out. No! It's too hot! You think I'm gonna let you get some, put on your clothes, then run outta here and never see you again in who knows when? MOOKIE A quickie is good every once in a blue moon. TINA You a blue-moon fool. MOOKIE Then we'll do something else. TINA What else? MOOKIE Trust me. TINA Trust you? Because of trusting you we have a son. Remember your son? MOOKIE Trust me. Mookie pushes Tina back into her bedroom. 69. INT: TINA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT Mookie sits Tina down on her futon bed, turns off the lights, and turns on WE LOVE RADIO as Mister Señor Love Daddy serenades them with slow jams. MOOKIE I'm gonna take off ya clothes. TINA Mookie, I told you already it's too fucking hot to make love. MOOKIE Why you gotta curse? TINA I'm sorry, but no rawness is jumping off tonight. MOOKIE No rawness. He laughs his sinister laugh. ANGLE--MOOKIE AND TINA Mookie unsnaps her bra, then pulls her panties off. Tina is naked as a jaybird. MOOKIE Tina, you're sweating. TINA Of course I'm sweating. I'm burning up. It's hot, moron, only a hundred degrees in here. MOOKIE Lie down, please. He gets up. INT: TINA'S KITCHEN Mookie walks into the kitchen and sees CARMEN, Tina's mother, fixing some food on the stove. MOOKIE Hello, Mrs. Rampolla. Carmen stares at him, it's a look that would definitely stop traffic, she mutters some Spanish and goes into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. 70. ANGLE--MOOKIE He opens the refrigerator and takes out all the trays of ice. INT: TINA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT Mookie sits down on the bed with a bowl filled with ice cubes. CLOSE--TINA'S FOREHEAD Mookie rubs an ice cube on her forehead. TINA It's cold. MOOKIE It's 'pose to be cold. TINA Later for you. MOOKIE Meda. Meda. TINA What? MOOKIE Tina, you don't have a forehead, you got a eight-head. CLOSE--TINA'S NECK Mookie rubs an ice cube on her neck. CLOSE--TINA'S LIPS Mookie rubs an ice cube on her full moist lips, then puts it in her mouth. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY (VO) Yes, children, this is the Cool Out Corner. We're slowing it down for all the lovers in the house. I'll be giving you all the help you need, musically, that is. CLOSE--TINA'S THIGHS He rubs an ice cube up and down her thighs. MOOKIE (VO) Thank God for thighs. 71. CLOSE--TINA'S BUTTOCKS He rubs an ice cube on her round, firm buttocks. MOOKIE (VO) Thank God for buttocks. CLOSE--TINA'S BREAST He rubs an ice cube on her breast. MOOKIE (VO) Thank God for the right nipple... Thank God for the left nipple... Both Tina and Mookie are dying. Mookie now has an ice cube on the left and right nipples and WE SEE before our very own eyes both get swollen, red, and erect. TINA (VO) Feels good. MOOKIE (VO) Yes, yes, Lord. Isn't this better than Haagen-Dazs butter pecan ice cream? CLOSE--TINA'S MOUTH Mookie kisses her. MOOKIE I'll be back tonight. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Officers Ponte and Long are awaiting their orders. SAL It's almost ready. OFFICER LONG What time you closing tonight? SAL Ten. Sal goes over to the oven, takes out their food and wraps it up. SAL Here you go. 72. OFFICER PONTE What do we owe you? SAL Nine-fifty. OFFICER PONTE Here. SAL Thanks. Enjoy. OFFICER LONG Vito, Pino, see ya later. The officers leave just as Mookie enters. MOOKIE Sal, if you want me to deliver any faster, get me a jet rocket or something, cuz I can't run with pizzas, all the cheese ends up on one side and shit. SAL I didn't say nuthin'. You must have a guilty conscience. What are you guilty of? MOOKIE I'm not guilty of nuthin'. SAL You must be guilty of something or you would have never come in saying the things you said. MOOKIE C'mon, Sal. SAL Where we goin'? While Sal laughs at his corny joke, Pino pulls Vito into the back. INT: STOREROOM--NIGHT PINO Vito, I want you to listen to me. I'm your brother. I may smack you around once in awhile, boss you around, but I'm still your brother. 73. VITO I know this. PINO I love you. VITO I'm listening. PINO Good. I want you to listen. VITO Jesus Christ on the cross, I said I'm listening. PINO Good. Vito, you trust that Mook too much. So does Pop. VITO Mookie's OK. PINO You listening to me? VITO Stop busting my balls. I said I'm listening ten fucking times already. PINO Mookie is not to be trusted. No Moulan Yan can be trusted. The first time you turn your back, boom, a knife right here. (Pino gestures) In the back. VITO How do you know this? PINO I know. VITO You really think so? PINO I know so. He, them, they're not to be trusted. VITO So what do you want me to do? 74. PINO Be on guard. Mookie has Pop conned already, so we have to look out for him. VITO I like Mookie a lot. PINO And that's exactly what I'm talkin' 'bout. SAL (OS) Vito! Pino! Let's go. PINO Be right there, Pop. Listen to what I said. VITO You don't listen to me, never have. Just run your big fucking mouth always playing big brother. You don't listen, but Mookie does. HOT CITY NIGHT MONTAGE THE BLOCK. WE'VE SEEN it at daytime, but now WE SEE it at night. Even though the white-hot sun is gone, nonetheless the heat is still stifling. And in a peculiar, funny sort of way, it's worse. You expect it to be hot during the light of day when the sun is beating down on the cement and tar, but at night it should be considerably cooler; well, not tonight, it's hot. All the residents of The Block: the Corner Men, Mother Sister, Da Mayor, Jade, etc., all the people WE'VE SEEN throughout the day are now coping with the night-time heat, plus it's humid as shit. Everyone is outside, sitting on stoops, on cars and you know the kids are playing, running up and down the block. Now it's the hottest night of the year. EXT: STREET--NIGHT Buggin' Out sits down on a car next to Radio Raheem; as usual, his box is blasting. BUGGIN' OUT How you be? RADIO RAHEEM I be. I'm living large. BUGGIN' OUT Is that the only tape you got? 75. RADIO RAHEEM You don't like Public Enemy? It's the dope shit. BUGGIN' OUT I like 'em, but you don't play anything else. RADIO RAHEEM I don't like anything else. BUGGIN' OUT Check this out. Y'know Sal's. RADIO RAHEEM Yeah, I know dat motherfucker. BUGGIN' OUT I'm trying to organize a boycott of Sal's pizza joint. Ya see what I'm saying? RADIO RAHEEM I almost had to yoke him this afternoon. Tell me, tell me, Radio Raheem, to turn my music down. Didn't even say please. Who the fuck he think he is? Don Corleone and shit. BUGGIN' OUT He makes all his money off us Black people and I don't see nuthin' but Italians all up in there, Sylvester Stallone and motherfuckers. Ya see what I'm saying, homeboy? RADIO RAHEEM Talk to me. BUGGIN' OUT We shouldn't buy a single slice, spend a single penny in that motherfucker till some people of color are put up in there. RADIO RAHEEM That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. BUGGIN' OUT You got my back. 76. RADIO RAHEEM Ya back is got. BUGGIN' OUT My brother. RADIO RAHEEM My brother. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Vito, Pino and Mookie are cleaning up. MOOKIE Sal, it's almost quitting time so please start counting my pay. I gotta get paid. Sal is looking into the cash register. SAL We did good business today. We got a good thing going. Nothing like a family in business working together. One day the both of you will take over...and Mookie, there will always be a place for you at Sal's Famous Pizzeria. Y'know, it should be Sal's and Sons Famous Pizzeria. ANGLE--VITO, PINO, AND MOOKIE All three look at each other. The horror is on their faces, with the prospect of working, slaving in Sal's and Sons Famous Pizzeria, trapped for the rest of their lives. Is this their future? It's a frightening thought. ANGLE--DOOR Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella enter. SAL We're about to close. AHMAD Just four slices, regular slices. Please. To go! SAL OK, but that's it. It's been a long day. Mookie goes over to the table where Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella sit. 77. MOOKIE Look, I want you to get your slices, then outta here. No playing around. AHMAD You got it. MOOKIE Good. No joke. We all wanna go home. OH NO! We hear the dum-dum-dum of Radio Raheem's box. As everyone turns their heads to the door, Buggin' Out and Radio Raheem are inside already. We have never heard the rap music as loud as it is now. You have to scream to be heard and that's what they do. SAL What did I tell ya 'bout dat noise? BUGGIN' OUT What did I tell ya 'bout dem pictures? SAL What da fuck! Are you deaf? BUGGIN' OUT No, are you? We want some Black people up on the Wall of Fame. SAL Turn that JUNGLE MUSIC off. We ain't in Africa. Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella start to dance while Mookie takes a seat, the impartial observer that he is. BUGGIN' OUT Why it gotta be about jungle music and Africa? SAL It's about turning that shit off and getting the fuck outta my pizzeria. PINO Radio Raheem. RADIO RAHEEM Fuck you. 78. SAL What ever happened to nice music with words you can understand? RADIO RAHEEM This is music. My music. VITO We're closed. BUGGIN' OUT You're closed alright, till you get some Black people up on that wall. Sal grabs his Mickey Mantle bat from underneath the counter and brings it down on Radio Raheem's box, again and again and again. The music stops. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM'S BOX Radio Raheem's pride and joy is smashed to smithereens. It's going to the junkyard quick. ANGLE--PIZZERIA There is an eerie quiet as everyone is frozen, surprised by the suddenness of Sal's action, the swings of his Mickey Mantle bat. All look at Radio Raheem and realize what is about to happen. ANGLE--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem screams, he goes crazy. RADIO RAHEEM My music! Radio Raheem picks Sal up from behind the counter and starts to choke his ass. Radio Raheem's prized possession--his box, the only thing he owned of value--his box, the one thing that gave him any sense of worth--has been smashed to bits. (Radio Raheem, like many Black youth, is the victim of materialism and a misplaced sense of values.) Now he doesn't give a fuck anymore. He's gonna make Sal pay with his life. Vito and Pino jump on Radio Raheem, who only tightens his grip around Sal's neck. Buggin' Out tries to help his friend. Mookie just stands and watches as Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella cheerlead. 79. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT The tangled mass of choking, biting, kicking, screaming confusion flies through the door of Sal's out onto the sidewalk. CLOSE--EDDIE The kid yells: EDDIE Fight! Fight! CUT TO: CLOSE--DA MAYOR He looks up. CUT TO: CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER She looks up. CUT TO: CLOSE--SWEET DICK WILLIE He also looks up. ANGLE--STREET The people on The Block run to Sal's Famous Pizzeria to see the STATIC. ANGLE--SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA Radio Raheem, Buggin' Out, Sal, Vito, and Pino are still entangled, rolling around on the sidewalk, but now before an entertained crowd of onlookers: ANGLE--DA MAYOR DA MAYOR Break it up. This is crazy. The fight continues. Da Mayor is smart enough not to get in the middle of this war. We hear sirens, somebody has called DA COPS. ANGLE--STREET 80. The cop cars come right through the crowd, almost running over some people. The cops get out with nightsticks and guns drawn. WE RECOGNIZE two of the faces, Officers Long and Ponte. Any time there is a skirmish between a Black man and a white man, you can bet the house on who the copes are gonna go for. You know the deal! Buggin' Out is pulled off first, then Vito and Pino, but Radio Raheem is a crazed man. It takes all six cops to pull him off Sal, who is red as a beet from being choked. ANGLE--COPS Handcuffs are put on Buggin' Out as he watches the other cops put a choke hold on Radio Raheem to restrain him. ANGLE--RADIO RAHEEM Radio Raheem is still struggling, then he just stops, his body goes limp and he falls to the sidewalk like a fifty- pound bag of Idaho potatoes. ANGLE--STREET Officers Long and Ponte kick him. OFFICER LONG Get up! Get up! Radio Raheem just lies there like a bump on a log. ANGLE--CROWD The crowd stares at Radio Raheem's still body. He's unconscious or dead. CLOSE--OFFICER LONG OFFICER LONG Quit faking. ANGLE--STREET The officers all look at each other. They know, they know exactly what they've done. The infamous Michael Stewart choke hold. OFFICER PONTE Let's get him outta here. The officers pick up Radio Raheem's limp body and throw him into the back seat. Buggin' Out is pushed into another car. The cop cars speed off; in their haste to beat it, they have left the crowd. It's at this point the crowd becomes an angry mob. 81. ANGLE--MOB The mob looks at... ANGLE--MOB POV Sal still on the sidewalk, being helped to his feet by Vito and Pino, who are in bad shape themselves. ANGLE--MOB The mood/tone of the mob is getting ugly. Once again they have seen one of their own killed before their eyes at the hands of the cops. We hear the murmurs of the folks go through the crowd. VOICES OF MOB THEY KILLED HIM THEY KILLED RADIO RAHEEM IT'S MURDER DID IT AGAIN JUST LIKE THEY DID MICHAEL STEWART MURDER ELEANOR BUMPERS MURDER IT'S NOT SAFE NOT EVEN IN OUR OWN NEIGHBORHOOD IT'S NOT SAFE NEVER WAS NEVER WILL BE The cops, in their haste to get Radio Raheem out of there, have left an angry mob of Black folks with a defenseless Sal, Vito, and Pino. The mob looks at them. VOICES OF MOB WON'T STAND FOR IT THE LAST TIME FUCKIN' COPS THE LAST TIME IT'S PLAIN AS DAY DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL THE BOY HIGH ANGLE Mookie looks at the crowd and notices he's on the wrong side. He leaves Sal and his two sons. ANGLE--STREET Da Mayor walks in front of the crowd. 82. DA MAYOR Good people, let's all go home. Somebody's gonna get hurt. CROWD (OS) Yeah, you! DA MAYOR If we don't stop this now, we'll all regret it. Sal and his two boys had nothing to do with what the police did. CROWD (OS) Get out of the way, old man. You a Tom anyway. DA MAYOR Let 'em be. ANGLE--STREET Mookie picks up a garbage can and dumps it out into the street. He walks through the crowd, up to Da Mayor, Sal, Vito, and Pino. CLOSE--MOOKIE He screams. MOOKIE HATE!!!! SLOW MOTION Mookie hurls the garbage can through the plate glass window of Sal's Famous Pizzeria. That's it. All hell breaks loose. The dam has been unplugged, broke. The rage of a people has been unleashed, a fury. A lone garbage can thrown through the air has released a tidal wave of frustration. ANGLE--STREET Da Mayor pushes Sal, Vito, and Pino out of the way as the mob storms into Sal's Famous Pizzeria. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT The people rush into Sal's Famous Pizzeria, tearing it up. CLOSE--CASH REGISTER The cash register is opened. WE SEE only coins, Sal has the paper. 83. EXT: DA MAYOR'S STOOP--NIGHT Da Mayor leads Sal, Vito, and Pino back to his stoop where they watch in horror. SAL There it goes. Why? DA MAYOR You was there. First white folks they saw. You was there. PINO Fuckin' niggers. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Someone lights a match. WHOOOSH! EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT Sal's Famous Pizzeria is going up in flames and now it's a carnival. MOTHER SISTER Burn it down. Burn it down. One might have thought that the elders--who through the years have been broken down, whipped, their spirits crushed, beaten into submission--would be docile, strictly onlookers. That's not true except for Da Mayor. The rest of the elders are right up in it with the young people. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT CLOSE--PHOTOS ON WALL OF FAME The photos of famous Italian-Americans are burning. EXT: FRUIT-N-VEG DELIGHT--NIGHT The mob now moves across the street in front of the Korean fruit and vegetable stand. Sweet Dick Willie, Coconut Sid, and ML stand at the head of the mob. ML It's your turn. CLOSE--KOREAN CLERK He's scared to death, as the mob is poised to tear his place up too. The clerk wildly swings a broom to hold them off. 84. KOREAN CLERK Me no white. Me no white. Me Black. Me Black. Me Black. CLOSE--ML ML Me Black. Me Black. The mob starts to laugh; they feel for him. ANGLE--MOB SWEET DICK WILLIE Korea man is OK. Let's leave him alone. ML Him no white. Him no white. COCONUT SID Him Black. Him Black. EXT: DA MAYOR'S STOOP--NIGHT Sal, Vito, and Pino look on as Sal's Famous Pizzeria goes up in smoke. DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE--VITO DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE--PINO DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE--SAL EXT: STREET--NIGHT ANGLE--STREET Jade is running through the mob, looking for her brother. JADE Mookie! Mookie! ANGLE--MOOKIE Mookie is running around with the rest of the mob. ANGLE--STREET 85. The wail of fire trucks and police sirens is now added to the night. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT The mob moves back to in front of Sal's as the fire trucks and police, in full riot gear, pull up in the street behind them. POLICE LOUDSPEAKER (VO) Good people. Please disperse. Please disperse. The firemen rush to hook up their hoses, the police force themselves between the crowd and the burning Sal's Famous Pizzeria. POLICE LOUDSPEAKER (VO) Please disperse! Please disperse! The mob doesn't listen, they will not be moved. The mob will not be moved until they see Sal's Famous Pizzeria burn to the ground. ANGLE--SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA The firemen douse the pizzeria, trying desperately to stop the fire from spreading into the adjoining buildings. POLICE LOUDSPEAKER (VO) Good people, we're giving you one more warning. Please go back home. CLOSE--MOOKIE MOOKIE This is our home. CLOSE--MOTHER SISTER MOTHER SISTER This is our neighborhood. ANGLE--MOB It will take force to move this mass of people. POLICE LOUDSPEAKER (VO) You've had your warning! POW! The hoses are turned on the mob. 86. WE SEE Mookie, Mother Sister, Sweet Dick Willie, ML, Coconut Sid, Jade, Ahmad, Cee, Punchy, and Ella, etc., go down before the powerful blast of the firehouse. Now we've come full circle. We're back to Montgomery or Birmingham, Alabama. The only thing missing is Sheriff Bull Connor and the German shepherds. It would take force to move them and that's exactly what the mob got. People are trying to hold on to each other, cars, railings, anything to keep from being swept away. EXT: DA MAYOR'S STOOP--NIGHT Da Mayor, Sal, Vito, and Pino watch in disbelief. It's unbelievable what is happening before their eyes. CUT TO: THE STREET--NIGHT THEIR POV People are screaming, kids and women are not being spared from the brute force of the firehoses either. EXT: WE LOVE STOREFRONT--NIGHT WE SEE the reflection of the fire in the storefront window as Mister Señor Love Daddy looks on. EXT: STREET--NIGHT ANGLE--JADE AND MOTHER SISTER Jade and Mother Sister try to hold on to a streetlamp as a gush of water hits them; their grips loosens, the water is too powerful, and they slide away down the block and Da Mayor runs after them. INT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--NIGHT CLOSE--PHOTOS Some burnt photos on the floor. CLOSE--MICKEY MANTLE BAT The Mickey Mantle bat burns. CLOSE--RADIO RAHEEM'S BOX Radio Raheem's box has melted into a black mass of goo. CLOSER--RADIO RAHEEM'S BOX 87. As WE MOVE IN TIGHTER ON the melted box, we begin to hear the rap song that we've hear throughout. All other sound drops as the rap song gets louder and louder until it's deafening. ANGLE--SMILEY Smiley sits up from where he hid during the burning and looting of Sal's Famous Pizzeria. Smiley looks around and goes directly to the smoldering Wall of Fame. He stands there. Smiley pins one of his Malcolm X/Martin Luther King, Jr., cards to the Wall of Fame. CLOSE--PHOTO CLOSE--SMILEY We're on Smiley's face and a smile slowly travels across. It's the first time Smiley has smiled in years and nobody is there to see this event. FADE TO BLACK THE MORNING AFTER FADE IN: EXT: THE STREET--TO INT: RADIO STATION STOREFRONT--DAY The CAMERA, FROM HIGH ABOVE, CRANES DOWN ON The Block. The sidewalk is deserted, broken glass is everywhere, and it looks exactly as how one expects it to look, the morning after an uprising. The CAMERA NOW MOVES IN ON the WE LOVE storefront where Mister Señor Love Daddy is in his familiar place behind the mike. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY My people. My people. What can I say? Say what I can. I saw it but I didn't believe it. I didn't believe it what I saw. Are we gonna live together? Together are we gonna live? This is ya Mister Señor Love Daddy here on WE LOVE RADIO, 108 FM on your dial, and that's the truth, Ruth. CLOSE--MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY 88. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY Today's weather. (he yells) HOT! CLOSER--MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY He screams: MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY WAKE UP! CUT TO: INT: TINA'S BEDROOM--DAY Mookie jumps out of her bed; Tina sleeps by his side and their son Hector is between them. MISTER SEÑOR LOVE DADDY (VO) WAKE UP! MOOKIE Fuck! My money! TINA Where are you going? MOOKIE To get my money. TINA Mookie, you must think I'm stupid or something. You're gonna run outta here and I won't see your black ass for another week. MOOKIE Tina, it's not like that. Mookie is putting on his clothes. TINA You don't care about me and you definately don't care 'bout your son. MOOKIE Tina, I'll be right back. TINA Be a man. MOOKIE I am a man. 89. TINA Act like one then. Be a man. MOOKIE Later. TINA You're to the curb. You better step off. Get a life. Mookie leaves. MOTHER SISTER'S BEDROOM--DAY Da Mayor wakes up in Mother Sister's big brass bed (she was born in it). At first he has no idea where he's at, then sees Mother Sister sitting down across the room smiling at him. MOTHER SISTER Good morning. DA MAYOR Is it a good morning? MOTHER SISTER Yes indeed. You almost got yourself killed last night. DA MAYOR I've done that before. Da Mayor gets up out of her big brass bed. DA MAYOR Where did you sleep? MOTHER SISTER I didn't. DA MAYOR I hope the block is still standing. MOTHER SISTER We're still standing. Da Mayor and Mother Sister both look out the parlor window to see THE BLOCK and Mookie. EXT: SAL'S FAMOUS PIZZERIA--DAY Mookie walks up to Sal's Famous Pizzeria as it still smoulders in the morning light. Sal emerges from the wreckage; he looks like he might have slept there. 90. SAL Whatdafuck do you want? MOOKIE I wants my money. I wants to get paid. Sal looks at Mookie in disbelief. SAL Mookie, I always liked you. Not the smartest kid, but you're honest. Don't make me dislike you. MOOKIE Sal, I want my money. SAL Don't even ask about your money. Your money wouldn't even pay for that window you smashed. MOOKIE Motherfuck a window, Radio Raheem is dead. SAL You're right, a kid is dead, but Mook, this isn't the time. MOOKIE Fuck dat. The time is fuckin' now. Y'know I'm sorry 'bout Sal's Famous Pizzeria, but I gotta live, too. I gotta get paid. SAL We both do. MOOKIE We all know you're gonna get over with the insurance money anyway! Ya know da deal. SAL Do we now? MOOKIE Quit bullshitting. SAL You don't know shit about shit. 91. MOOKIE I know I wants to get my money. Sal has had it. SAL How much? How much do I owe you? MOOKIE My salary. Two-fifty. Sal pulls out a wad and quickly peels off hundred dollar bills. SAL One, two, three, four, five. Sal throws the "C" notes at Mookie, they hit him in the chest and fall to the sidewalk. SAL Are you happy now? That's five fucking hundred dollars. You just got paid. Mookie, you are a rich man, now ya life is set, you'll never have another worry, a care in the world. Mookie, ya wealthy, a fuckin' Rockefeller. Mookie is stunned by Sal's outburst. He picks up the bills. SAL Ya just got paid, so leave me the fuck alone. MOOKIE You only pay me two-fifty a week. (he throws two "C" notes back at him) I owe you fifty bucks. SAL Keep it. MOOKIE You keep it. SAL Christmas came early. Both look at the two hundred-dollar bills on the sidewalk and refuse to pick them up. It's a stalemate. 92. MOOKIE This is the hottest Christmas I've known. Mookie counts his money. SAL It's supposed to be even hotter today. MOOKIE You gonna open up another Sal's Famous Pizzeria? SAL No. What are you gonna do? MOOKIE Make dat money. Get paid. SAL Yeah!...I'm goin' to the beach for the first day in fifteen years. Gonna take the day off and go to the beach. MOOKIE I can dig it. It's gonna be HOT as a motherfucker. SAL Mookie? MOOKIE Gotta go. SAL C'mere, Doctor. Mookie turns around and goes back. SAL Doctor, this is Sal talkin'. MOOKIE OK. OK. SAL Doctor, always try to do the right thing. MOOKIE That's it? 93. SAL That's it. Mookie thinks about it, looks at the two "C" notes still smiling up at him. He quickly scoops them up. MOOKIE I got it. EXT: STREET--DAY HIGH ANGLE As Mookie turns and walks away, Sal goes back into Sal's Famous Pizzeria to salvage what is salvageable, and The Block begins to awake from its slumber, ready to deal once again with the heat of the hottest day of the year. FADE OUT. ROLL CREDITS.

DOG DAY AFTERNOON "DOG DAY AFTERNOON" by Frank Pierson Final Draft FADE IN: EXT. ELECTRIC SIGN It FILLS THE SCREEN (designed to exactly FILL THE FRAME size of whatever ratio we're shooting in). It says: 2:51 This message will be a little cryptic to the movie audience on an essentially BLACK SCREEN. HOLD for a beat, then it changes: the lights flash this sign, which should explain it to everyone: 94° And a slow distant ROLL OF THUNDER in the far distance; now the SOUND of media begin to come up loud, under: EXT. FLATBUSH AVENUE - DAY LONG SHOT down the Avenue, 400 mm lens, heat waves shimmering, thousands of old people, and people with children in strollers moving restlessly about in the heat on those endless miles of benches. The SHOT is ON SCREEN only for a beat or two, then gone... SOUND TRACK COMES FROM A THOUSAND TRANSISTOR RADIOS, TV SETS, AUTO RADIOS, BLENDED IN THE OPEN AIR... RADIO ANNOUNCER 1 (V.O.) ...the situation continued tense in the Middle East today, as... EXT. SHEA STADIUM (TV CLIP) - DAY An unnamed player swings and hits a high pop up... ANNOUNCER 2 (V.O.) ...hits a high inside pitch foul into the upper stands... ANGLE ON CROWD as the ball comes down they scramble and fight for it... A touch of viciousness... ANNOUNCER 3 (V.O.) ...B-52's meanwhile, unleashed the heaviest bombing of the war... EXT. MOVIE HOUSE TO MACDONALD'S - DAY We are SEEING HEIDI, though we don't know it yet - she's just another pretty 175-pound Italian girl with two kids, KIMMY, JIMMY, about four and five years old. Right now she is a lump of browning flesh, shining with oil among rows of similar ladies (mostly thinner, but all with a certain unhealthy softness about them) laid out in rows and groups across the sand. SHOOT LOW AND LONG, so heat shimmers rise, as though the heat were baking the oil out of this mob, visible suntan oil pollution... Heidi's transistor blasts ROCK MUSIC into the air. LYRICS (OVER) (Roberta Flack) REVEREND LEE, SHE SAID, LORD KNOWS I LOVE YOU, REVEREND LEE - DO IT TO ME (etc., etc.) ANNOUNCER 3 (V.O.) ...the American High Command announced the famed 25th Cavalry Division would be coming home! The 25th Cavalry, long since afoot, hardened in battle in the jungles of World War II... FAR DISTANT THUNDER ROLLS... INT/EXT. SONNY'S CAR - STREET - DAY It is parked in a drab Brooklyn street. Beside the car stands SAL, medium height, also good-looking in an intense boyish way. His eyes dart about suspiciously, the ever-watchful Sal. There is a watchful reserve in Sal that contrasts to Sonny's outgoing bounciness: first impression is Sonny is all bark; Sal is the bite. Sal is dressed in impressive blue suit style, he looks like a kid trying to impress the Godfather. He even wears a hat. Now, matching Sal's preparations inside the car, he checks his tie's alignment, shoots his cuffs and is ready... Meanwhile, on their car radio: ELTON JOHN (Amoreena) AND SHE DREAMS OF CRYSTAL STREAMS OF DAYS GONE BY WHEN WE COULD LEAN LAUGHING FIT TO BURST UPON EACH OTHER... ANOTHER ANGLE BY CAR As he turns, from the back of the car, JACKIE appears with a huge florist box, tied with ribbon. Jackie is an eighteen year old with bad complexion and in contrast to Sonny and Sal is dressed in teenage sloppiness. Adidas, T-shirt, bowling jacket, jeans. He is uncertain: waits for directions from Sonny. Sonny takes the florist box from him. We see a water truck drive down the street, followed by Sonny's car, which drives up near bank. It stops, Jackie gets out, crosses to bank window, peers through, then ANGLE INSIDE CAR returns to car. Leans in, has fake conversation with Sonny. They are waiting. Sonny checks his watch, turns to Sal in back seat: SONNY 30 seconds, Sal... They wait. At appropriate moment, Sal exits car, walks toward bank. Slowly Sonny gets out. INT. BANK - DAY A slightly seedy little branch bank, old yellow brick, blond varnished wood, a rubber plant, an American flag. Through the windows we SEE HOWARD, the aged black bank guard, in uniform, taking down the American flag from outside. Past him comes Sal carrying an attache case. He passes Howard coming toward us through the door into the bank. As he passes CAMERA: INSERT: BANK CLOCK as it CLICKS from 2:57 to 2:58 PM. MOVING SHOT WITH SAL as he moves toward the left-hand deposit-slips desks. He picks out a car-loan application slip, then walks toward the manager's desk (as the sign on the desk proclaims) of PATRICK MULVANEY. Sal sits down, his back to Mulvaney, facing the front door of the bank. Mulvaney is on the phone. ON DOOR as Sonny bustles through in his bouncy dancer's walk. He carries the large florist box. He moves toward the left- hand deposit-slips desks, takes one out and begins to fill one out. ON HOWARD as he pulls out the keys, attached to the belt of his uniform. Jackie approaches the door of the bank and stops, neither in nor out, as though he can't make up his mind. Howard watches him, waiting patiently, keys in hand, folded flag under his arm. CLOSE - SAL still sitting, back to Mulvaney, watching Jackie's approach and entrance, ready to move on cue. ON DOOR on Howard as he looks at Jackie, still half in, half out. Howard speaks to him: HOWARD Closing time; you want in or out? Jackie steps in and as Howard locks the door to prevent more customers from entering, Jackie walks toward Sonny, filling out a slip at the left-hand area. CAMERA FOLLOWS Jackie. He stops at deposit-slips desk, next to Sonny. CLOSE - SAL as if by pre-arranged signal, Sal now stands up, moves to the side of Mulvaney's desk. SAL You the manager? ON MULVANEY who is still on the phone. He gestures at the sign on his desk that says so, and gestures for Sal to sit down. ON SAL as he sits, producing as he does a machine pistol, which he holds on Mulvaney's chest, out of sight from others in the bank. MULVANEY His mouth simply stops, and he stares at the gun. Mulvaney is a comic opera Irishman in his early fifties, florid... cheerful, bushy eyebrows; he acts out everything he says... SAL Just go on talking, like nothing was happening, okay? MULVANEY (into phone) Listen, lemme call you back. He hangs up, and looks from the gun up to Sal's blank hard face. To his own amazement, he grins: a hopeful grin that says: "Like me - don't hurt me." And he's embarrassed by it. As we watch, his smile turns sour. HIS POV - FLASH Sal's absolutely unmoved face. TWO SHOT - SONNY AND JACKIE Jackie moves over to Sonny. JACKIE Sonny, I'm gettin' real bad vibes. SONNY Jackie - what are you talking about? JACKIE Maybe we can take something smaller... like a Spanish grocery. SONNY (indicating what's happening with Sal and Mulvaney) It's too late - just get away from me - don't talk to me now - go over to your place... Jackie moves to another deposit-slips desk - takes one out and begins to fill it out. ON TELLER'S CAGE AREA as a LADY with a BABY in a stroller moves away from the Teller and starts to walk toward the front door. DEBORAH is marking figures on a piece of paper at 1st Teller's cage. SYLVIA and MIRIAM stand behind her - their backs to Sonny. Howard, who has put the folded flag in a plastic bag in a front desk, follows Lady toward the door. He unlocks the door and hands the Baby a lollipop, courtesy of the bank, and she exits the bank. CLOSE - NEW ANGLE - SONNY glancing at clock, taking a sharp deep breath... SAL staring at Mulvaney. MULVANEY the ruins of his smile still on his face. HOWARD straightens up from locking the door; the figure of the Lady and the Baby can be seen receding outside... SONNY seeing that the bank is closed, locked in, with no customers, crosses toward the front teller's cage area, carrying the florist box. As he reaches the other side, he rips open the box and takes the rifle out and aims it level onto SYLVIA BALL, the teller, who automatically takes the "closed" sign and holds it in front of her face as though to protect herself from the rifle. SYLVIA (holding sign in front of her face) Sorry, this window is shut... TWO SHOT - MULVANEY AND SAL as Mulvaney stands and yells to Sylvia... ANGLE ON BACK OF BANK, REST ROOM AREA as MARGARET, an accountant, comes out of the ladies' room, starts to cross downstage toward her desk, sees what is happening, and momentarily freezes in her tracks. SONNY The cues have got all fucked up, but he's so programmed and ready, he can't adjust, so the speech he had ready comes out now: SONNY Okay, this is a stickup! Nobody move! This is a fucking stickup! Just freeze now, goddammit! Get away from your desk... get in the center - get in the center! Sylvia and Edna start to move toward the rear of the bank, toward Margaret's desk. MULVANEY aghast at his own outspokenness... Sal holding the gun levelled on him. MULVANEY Okay, okay... we know it's a stickup! SONNY (to Jackie, re: Howard) If he moves - blow his guts out... Cover him! TWO SHOT - SONNY & JACKIE Jackie, staring at the real guns, turns to Sonny... JACKIE I'm sorry, Sonny... I can't make it... Jackie starts to move toward the front door. SONNY Hey, for christ's sake... now... fuckin' asshole... (turns to Sal) He can't make it. SAL Fuck him - let him out! Sonny yells out at frozen Howard. SONNY Hey... let him out! MULVANEY (yells) Do what the gentleman says, Howard. Sonny sees that Howard is useless, so he runs to Howard, grabbing the keys from him and pulls Howard along with him to the front door. Jackie unlocks the door, and Jackie, with a last apologetic glance, gives his gun to Sonny and vanishes into the sweltering afternoon. Sonny then frisks Howard and has a sudden afterthought as he locks the door again. He quickly unlocks it and shouts out at Jackie. EXT. BANK - DAY SONNY Hey, don't take the car! JACKIE (on sidewalk) Well, how'll I get home? SONNY Take the subway. We need the car. (as Jackie starts to walk away) Hey, gimme the keys - the keys! Jackie stops, fumbles for keys, crosses back to Sonny with them. JACKIE (points to fig. desk) Sonny, there's somebody under that desk over there... I'm sorry... SONNY It's okay... it's okay... Sonny turns into the bank once more, as Jackie walks off toward the subway, pointing inside at a desk near the window as he does, to point something out to Sonny. INT. BANK - DAY Sonny, re-entering the bank, speaks to Howard. SONNY Lock it. Sonny now crosses to desk that Jackie indicated, as everyone watches him, as though it's all in the game. SONNY (taps loudly on top of desk) Hey... get outta there! Nobody's gonna hurt you. JENNY, a young, frightened girl, peeks out from under the desk, obviously afraid to reveal herself. Sonny starts to move toward the front of the bank. Sal turns so he can cover everyone. Sonny turns to order Howard. SONNY Pull the drapes. Howard doesn't move. SONNY Pulla drapes! Howard belatedly leaps to work, pulling drapes that screen off the interior from outside. The door has no drapes or blinds and thus when the drapes are closed there is a corridor of space across the street we will always be able to see. And from which people outside will always be able to see in. As Howard finishes the task, he then walks back to the huddled group on the rear. SONNY on his way to the back of the bank, is digging into his jacket pocket; he swings around as he passes the camera that is bolted to a wall bracket covering the tellers' area. He whips out a spray can and gives the lens a shot of red paint. There are three cameras in all, each of which he sprays. SONNY (grinning) No replay, folks... no alarms... After spraying the three cameras, he has reached Mulvaney's desk area. The girls are scattering to group farther back and Sonny and Mulvaney are heading for the vault. MULVANEY (on cross to vault with Sonny) We're hip... let's just get you all fixed up and on your way! MIRIAM, a young, awkward, overweight Jewish girl, chewing gum with nervous machine-like rapidity, moving toward the vault. The gate is closed, and she holds one key and Mulvaney the other. They pass Sal, who now holds the others in the bank under his gun while at the vault gate. SONNY Okay, is the vault open? MULVANEY I can take care of that. NEW ANGLE Mulvaney is about to insert his key in his lock. Sonny quickly reaches out and grabs Mulvaney's hand, and looks at the key he has extended. He explodes. SONNY Son of a bitch! He almost hits Mulvaney with his fist. SONNY What the fuck you tryin' to do? Trip the alarm? Use the spur key? Use the other one... He's grabbed the keys from Mulvaney and holds up the key Mulvaney was going to use... we're in a: VERY TIGHT TWO SHOT - MULVANEY AND SONNY'S HEADS Sonny holds the key right in the middle of the FRAME where Mulvaney and the audience can SEE the key has a tiny projection or spur at the end. If this key is used, the spur triggers a silent alarm. MULVANEY I must of been outta my mind. SONNY (furious) Well, you get your mind right. I'm a Catholic and I don't wanna hurt nobody, but goddamn it, don't you play no games with me. Unnastand?!? Mulvaney nods and picks out a key that is identical except for the spur. He shows it to Sonny. Sonny nods. NEW ANGLE as Mulvaney carefully uses the safe key to unlock the gate. Miriam is crying as she unlocks her side. The gate swings open. Sonny shoves Mulvaney inside and, as he passes Miriam, notices her tears. She just stands there staring into his face like a hypnotized chicken, the tears streaming down her face. Sonny stops, staring at her. Mulvaney, starting to open the gate, moves inside the vault, impatient... MULVANEY Okay. Let's get you on your way. Miriam - open the safe. Miriam hesitates. SONNY What's the matter with you? MULVANEY (to Miriam) Come on, lemme load you up... MIRIAM There isn't any money... Sonny looks at Mulvaney, alarmed... MIRIAM They picked it up this afternoon... SONNY No money?! (moves inside the vault) MIRIAM There's only about four thousand in singles, and maybe a few hundred in larger bills... he's going to kill us! Sonny storms into the vault. NEW ANGLE IN VAULT as Mulvaney pulls a cash drawer out to show Sonny: even we can see there isn't much there. Sonny searches for more, finds nothing. SONNY This is it? What am I gonna do with this? Holy shit! MULVANEY It's all we got. SONNY Okay, don't worry about it. Stick it in the bag... At this, Sonny pulls out a plastic bag from his pocket, hands it to Miriam, who opens it and puts the money into it. As he turns, we see that Miriam is still staring at him, terrified, and as his rifle swings around, she reels back with a little screech of terror... SONNY Ah, Jesus... SAL Let's go, Sonny. SONNY (suddenly gentle) What are you crying for? Jesus Christ. It's not your fault there's no money... MULVANEY She's afraid you're gonna shoot... (hands Sonny the bag of money) Sonny starts out of the vault toward the teller's area with bag of money. He speaks to Mulvaney. SONNY What the hell would I shoot her for? Miriam follows Sonny to teller's cages gate. He carries the bag. PHONE STARTS TO RING (#1) SONNY Answer the phone! Mulvaney crosses to his desk, picks up the receiver. Sal follows him, yanks receiver from one ear to the other, so he can hear conversation. SONNY (to Miriam) Okay... open this. Miriam crosses to gate, presses the necessary button and the gate opens from them. Sonny watches this carefully, noting where the buzzer button is. He crosses in front of the drawer at the first cage. He tries to open the drawer. It's obviously locked. SONNY Okay, who's the head teller here? SYLVIA I am. SONNY Open this up! Sylvia comes forward and unlocks the first drawer, and begins to remove the cash, but Sonny grabs her hands... alarmed... SONNY Don't take it all out! He grabs a piece of paper or cardboard... CLOSE SHOT - SONNY'S HANDS AND CASH IN DRAWER He takes all the singles but one out of the singles slot in the drawer, leaving the bottom single in place. It is held there by a metal clip. He carefully slips the paper under the clip and then removes the single. It is clear this is an automatic alarm - meanwhile... SONNY Boy, I can't trust a one of you... I worked in a bank, I know the alarms, so don't try to fool around with me! BACK TO SHOT OF SONNY AND SYLVIA AND MIRIAM as they move to 2nd cash drawer at 2nd teller's cage. Sylvia unlocks the drawer and starts to reach in for the cash, but Sonny pushes his hand into the drawer instead. He begins to stuff the money into the bag. Some fives, packaged with rubber bands, in the drawer, he holds up so Sal and all can see them... He laughs! SONNY Decoy money, right, it's marked! Shit! He throws it into the air so the bills flutter all around him, gaily... In the background, Mulvaney, having finished with the phone conversation, is moving to the rear with the rest of the girls. Sonny now moves to the 3rd cage's cash drawer... Mulvaney ends phone conversation and Sal moves him over to group at vault. SONNY (mimicking Sylvia) 'This window is shut...' Again, the same procedure begins. Sylvia unlocks the cash drawer and Sonny starts to scoop it out and put it into the opened plastic bag that Miriam holds. SAL Cheer up, you'll be the veteran of a robbery, the bank sends you a dozen red roses, you know that? At this point, THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN (#2) SONNY (yelling to Sal) Sal, let him answer the goddamn phones, they're driving me crazy! Look at this chicken shit! Again, Mulvaney starts to cross back to his desk, again followed by Sal. Sonny yells out to Mulvaney as he crosses to answer the phone. SONNY Hey, you, manager... Don't get any ideas, fucker... See that man there? I bark and he bites! MULVANEY Believe me, I'm on your side. SONNY My side, shit! They move to Drawer #4. SYLVIA Listen, we got young girls here... you could watch your language. SONNY I speak what I feel. MULVANEY ON THE PHONE MULVANEY Hello... I'm sorry I can't talk to you right now... I suggest you call during banking hours tomorrow. What is your name? BACK ON SONNY, SYLVIA AND MIRIAM SONNY Gimme the traveler's checks and the register. They cross toward the last drawer area (#5). Miriam is still crying silently. Sonny holds out the plastic bag for the checks for her. She drops it. SONNY Please... quit that. It's not necessary. With everything in the bag, Sonny now takes the register and starts to move the two girls toward the rear near the vault. MULVANEY Can you hurry it up? BACK TO SONNY as he moves toward the rear (Sylvia and Miriam now re-joining other women), to get a wastebasket. Accomplishing this, he starts to burn the pages of the register, tearing out pages as he does so. It's smokey as hell, but not burning well. He drops it, smoking, into the wastebasket. SONNY (to Howard) Hey, you! Give me the keys... We're gettin' outta here. HOWARD (gasping for breath) Huh? MULVANEY Howard? HOWARD Huh? ON HOWARD The old man is panicked, great patches of sweat spreading around his armpits. He breathes in asthmatic gasps; now he flinches at his name, as though he's been hit. MULVANEY (stands, receiver still to ear, then covering it with his hand) Howard, give him the keys... SONNY Gimme the keys to get outta here! Howard is unable to move. Seeing his predicament, Edna moves to him and starts to unfasten his belt to remove the keys. Mulvaney continues with his phone conversation. ON SONNY who now crosses to Howard and Edna, losing patience with the situation. As he moves closer, Howard backs away from him, frightened by his rifle. Seeing that, Sonny puts it down and looks over to Sal for coverage. SONNY Sal... As Sonny approaches Howard, he realizes that he can't get close enough. SONNY Take it easy... just gimme the keys. I'm not gonna hurt you. Listen, calm down, huh? You're gonna have a heart attack. Just gimme the keys... that's all I want. Howard gives him the keys and as Sonny starts to walk back toward the burning register... ON SAL with Mulvaney still on the phone. SAL (looking past camera, falling onto the floor behind Mulvaney) Sonny... who's that? Across the street. ON SONNY who now starts to move quickly toward the front of the bank, being sure to hide behind the posts as he moves. MULVANEY (O.S.) (on phone) No, it was the credit rating. The credit rating. I don't know, you'd have to find that out from him. Sonny has now reached the front of the bank. He carefully peeks out through the closed draperies to look outside. ANGLE ON STREET - SONNY'S POV A man, in a business suit, sweaty and harassed-looking, is walking from an insurance office across the street directly toward the bank... The man continues coming straight toward them and us... REVERSE Sonny starts to run back to get his gun from Margaret's desk. Mulvaney is still on the phone. MULVANEY It was something a couple of years ago in St. Louis, I don't know... Sonny grabs the gun from the desk top and moves over to Mulvaney. ANGLE ON DOOR AT FRONT OF BANK The man walks straight toward the glass door, already lifting his hand to shadow his eyes, so when he reaches the door, he'll be able to see inside. REVERSE ON SAL AND MULVANEY Sal brings the gun up so he can shoot the man, at the same time, crabbing himself aside so he is concealed behind Mulvaney and the desk. Mulvaney sees the approaching man and cups his hand over the phone. MULVANEY It's the insurance guy across the street. He probably saw the goddamn smoke! (motions toward smoking register) Please! Put out the fire! ON MAN The last few feet from the door. ON SONNY who rushes through the teller's cages gate toward the register, grabs the smoking register, throws it onto the floor near Edna's desk, and starts to stamp it out. MARGARET I'll get some water! Before anyone can move, Sonny grabs the gun on them all. SONNY Nobody move! Freeze! The women now begin to scream as real hysteria sets in. Deborah screams, collapses. CLOSE - ON SAL BRINGING GUN UP ON: DOOR The man actually kicks the glass with his foot, then leans against the glass, shades his eyes, trying to see in. MULVANEY (O.S.) Sorry... I can't talk now... I'll call you back. SOUND of hanging up. The man is looking all around. SAL AND MULVANEY SAL Get rid of him. MULVANEY Howard, wave him off. Tell him we're closed. Whatever... ON HOWARD who is useless. ON MULVANEY who starts to move toward the front door, looking over at Sonny trying to put out the fire. CAMERA FOLLOWS MULVANEY TO THE FRONT DOOR; Sonny moves with him, covering him all the time. ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR as Sonny stands behind closed venetian blinds to listen to the conversation and to cover Mulvaney. SONNY The gun's right on your back... MULVANEY Give me the keys... Sonny hands him the keys. VERY CLOSE SHOT - SAL He raises the gun and sights it now, and in this moment, we should sense a kind of luxurious relaxation into anticipation on Sal's part. He is smiling a little, and for the first time, looks happy, and that's what makes him seem dangerous. He's looking forward to an excuse to kill. It's here now: survival. There is something almost sexual about the way he settles his body down behind the weapon, getting ready for the squeeze on the trigger, the report, the violent shove of recoil against his muscles and sinews. In the background, we see Sylvia bringing Howard a cup of water. ANGLE ON DOOR emphasizing the small of Mulvaney's back. The man is somebody he knows from across the street. He looks worried and mystified... MULVANEY (unlocking door) What is it, Sam? SAM Everything's all right? You okay? MULVANEY Yeah, just a cigarette got in a wastebasket. Silence. Sam stares around... thinking. SAM You all right? MULVANEY Little smoke: like a Polish four- alarm fire, is all. SAM Yeah. Well, you're okay? MULVANEY Yeah, thanks for keeping an eye out. SAM Okay. He's not satisfied, but he can't see anything and he can't think of anything more to say, so... MULVANEY Thanks again, Sam. SAM I'm glad it's okay. MULVANEY It's okay. [Regards to the family, Sam.] Mulvaney locks the door and walks inside the bank, giving the keys back to Sonny. MULVANEY For God's sake, will you please go now? We gave you every nickel we got. SONNY You're goin' outside with me. If there's no cops around, we just split. Otherwise, you go with us. Mulvaney and Sonny starts to walk back toward Sal. As they do, the PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN (#3). SONNY (to Mulvaney) Answer it. Mulvaney shrugs helplessly. Picks up the phone, standing at desk opposite his. ON SAL SAL He's gone? SONNY Yeah - it's all right... let's go. MULVANEY ON PHONE MULVANEY Hello, Mulvaney here... TWO SHOT - SONNY & SAL SONNY Sal, get 'em in the vault. SAL Where's the money? SONNY Get 'em in the vault! As Sal starts to herd them into the vault (Sylvia helping Howard, still with the cup of water), Mulvaney is still on the phone. Sonny moves down to get the money bag atop the teller's cages and we hear Mulvaney on phone. MULVANEY (tired) What property is that, Mrs. Anterio? The Third Avenue property - you already got a second mortgage on. We discussed it before... ANGLE AT VAULT The girls are afraid; Miriam unlocks the gate as Sonny uses Mulvaney's keys to the matching lock. JENNY (from inside vault area) You won't close the vault? How can we breathe? SONNY No, that's okay... just close the gate... Sylvia, helping Howard, is the last to go through the gate. As Sonny is about to lock the gate, she turns to him. SYLVIA Listen, I'll never make it. I'll have to go to the toilet. SONNY What's the matter... they never housebroke you? SYLVIA It's not a joke. I got this terrible fear of being locked in... SAL Goddamn women... SONNY Ah shit. Okay... go ahead. Anybody else have to go? EDNA Me, too, please. SAL You see... now they all gotta go. As Sylvia starts to move out, Sonny starts to cross ahead of her. SONNY Wait a minute - I want to check. Mulvaney finishes his phone conversation. He moves toward the group at the vault. NEW ANGLE as Sonny sprints for the door to the Ladies' Room. INSIDE LADIES' ROOM It is a little lounge; sitting on a couch under the window, making up her face (or painting her toenails) and listening to her tiny transistor radio, oblivious to all that's happened, is MARIA, heavily-painted and voluptuous Latin girl. Sylvia, following him in, is shocked. She's forgotten about Maria. Now she runs over to her, puts her arms around her. SYLVIA Oh - Maria! SONNY Who the hell is that? God damn it! What the... Maria is about to protest, but Sylvia grabs her and starts to hustle her out. SONNY What are you trying to pull? SYLVIA I forgot she's in here. SONNY Come on, nobody's going to the bathroom - come on... He moves with them back to the vault area, herds them into it. At this point, PHONE RINGS AGAIN (#4). Sonny moves to get the empty wastebasket, shoving it into the vault for the girls to use in case of emergency. Mulvaney moves to his desk and phone. Mulvaney has by this time answered the phone, and is now holding it out to Sonny. HOLD THE BEAT... MULVANEY (to Sonny) It's for you. ON SONNY AND SAL They both stare at Mulvaney. Sonny slowly moves toward Mulvaney. For the first time since he entered the bank, he's quiet and slow. He takes the instrument and slowly puts it to his ear. The group from the vault now slowly starts to move out to listen to the conversation. SONNY (into phone) Yeah. MORETTI (V.O.) What are you doin' in there? SONNY Who's this? MORETTI (V.O.) This is Detective Sergeant Moretti, asshole, we got you completely by the balls. You don't believe me, I'm lookin' you right in the eye. Right now, I can see you... SAL Who is it? Sonny turns and looks out through the door. Sure enough, in the window of the barbershop across the street, the dim figure of a man on a telephone can be SEEN looking out toward us. He wears a hat in spite of the weather and a cigar is clamped in his mouth. He is an old-time, hard-nosed, uneducated, street-wise, sarcastic New York cop, outspoken, rude and sentimental. Right now he's a distant silhouette and a voice on the telephone. CLOSE ON SONNY holding the phone. Listening to the voice of his death speaking in New York accents. MORETTI (V.O.) Okay? Let's be reasonable and not stupid and not get anybody hurt. You come to the front door with hands folded on your head, unnastand? Nobody's gonna shoot or... Sonny slowly, almost sadly, puts the telephone receiver back down, cutting off the little voice at the other end. He looks up at Mulvaney, then to Sal. SONNY (to Sal) It's the cops. Shit! SAL How'd that happen? MULVANEY (backing away from Sonny) I swear to God... on my salary, I'm not gonna be any hero... SONNY I took too long. SAL It was the fire, asshole! Sonny paces. MULVANEY I told you, just go, get out when you could, but no, you just got to hang around. Sonny is pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. SONNY Oh, shit! I gotta have time to think. SYLVIA What is it? Did you just barge in here... He doesn't have plan. It's all a whim. (sarcastic) 'Rob a bank! What not?' SONNY ...Just give me time to think... PHONE STARTS TO RING (#5). MULVANEY We're all in the barrel together... Phone continues to ring. Sonny finally grabs it (desk opposite Mulvaney). SONNY (into phone) All right, bastards! You keep away from the bank or we start throwing bodies out the front door one at a time. You got that? A startled apologetic man's voice speaks: Now ANOTHER PHONE BEGINS TO RING (#6). MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) I just called to ask Jenny what time she's gonna get off. SONNY Who's this? MAN (V.O.) It's her husband. Sonny abruptly holds the phone out from his body at arm's length, disgusted. SONNY Is there a Jenny here? Nobody moves. They all stare at him. Finally he singles her out. SONNY It's your husband. Jenny starts to move toward Sonny. JENNY What do I say? SONNY Tell him the truth! Tell him whatever you tell him! OTHER PHONE CONTINUES TO RING (#6). As he puts down the phone for her to pick up, Sonny reaches for the other phone that is RINGING. SONNY What a fuckin' comedy! (into phone) WNEW plays all the hits. MORETTI (V.O.) Listen, first off, is anybody hurt in there? SONNY ...But you keep away from the bank or we start throwing bodies out the front door one at a time... You got it? Okay? He hangs up the phone. Sal looks at him. SAL You mean that? SONNY What? SAL ...The bodies out the door. SONNY I want him to think that. SAL But do you mean it? At this moment, Jenny, phone in hand, is turned to him, respectfully like a child in an authoritarian household, addressing her father: JENNY He wants to know what time you think you'll be through. ON SONNY stares at her. For the first time, he realizes how frightened she is, how serious, grotesque, and funny it all is. He takes the time to be tender with her, as though she were a not-too-bright child in the presence of a tragedy she'll never understand. SONNY Tell him I don't know. Now Sonny turns to speak to Mulvaney. SONNY Where's the back door? MULVANEY It's locked on the inside. (beat) It's through that passageway and to the right. Sonny disappears toward the back door. Jenny continues her phone conversation. MAN (V.O.) Jenny? JENNY He says he doesn't know. Why don't you cook whatever's there? MAN (V.O.) It looks like a whole roast. JENNY Honey, send out for Kentucky fried chicken. The baby, just open a bottle of prunes, and one of the beef. The bottles are in the fridge. MULVANEY (to Jenny) Hurry up! MAN (V.O.) I know how to fix the bottle. They got guns? JENNY (with the baby on her mind) What guns? MAN (V.O.) The robbers in the bank. They got guns? JENNY Yeah. A lot of guns. MAN (V.O.) Well, stay away from them. Don't get close. JENNY Oh, yeah, I will... Now Sonny returns from the rear door area, sees that she's still on the phone and signals to her to hurry up. SONNY Hey, Jenny - let's go... JENNY Hon? I got to go. MAN (V.O.) I love you. Jenny hesitates. Everyone is looking at her. They look away, as though to give her privacy. JENNY Yeah. Well, I got to go now... A beat of silence. Realizes she can't talk... MAN (V.O.) I'll kiss the baby for you. JENNY (past embarrassment) I love you. She hangs up and then crosses to the group by the vault. NEW ANGLE on Sonny as he moves to Sal, to reassure Sal out of some guiltiness about trapping him in this situation. His tone apologetic... almost tender... SONNY Sal, I'm sorry about this. But we can get outta this thing. There's a way outta this. SAL Are you serious? About throwin' a body outta here if we have to? SONNY Well, I stalled him for a while. When it comes the time, then we'll work it out. Okay? SAL But do you mean it?... But you just told him that if worse comes to worse... SONNY I want him to think that. SAL But I want to know what you think. SONNY We won't have to. SAL I'll tell you right now - that I'm ready to do it. Now Sonny moves over to the group at the vault gate and speaks to them. SONNY What I want to say is... everything's gonna be all right... if we all cooperate and we don't, you know... carry on... I don't know you and you don't know me... and what I'm tryin' to tell you is that if you stay cooled out, we can work this thing out and nobody's going to get hurt... believe me, I don't want to hurt anybody... Everybody is going to have a chance to do what they have to do... she's gotta go to the bathroom - so you go - and you can go after... Everybody's gonna get a chance... Everybody's gonna get a chance to use the phone... Let's just take it a step at a time. Sonny now turns toward Mulvaney. Howard lies down, head on jacket, in the vault. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Now, you -- what's your name? MULVANEY Mulvaney... SONNY You and me are checking the other ways in and out. Sal takes a position where he can cover the door and also the girls and Howard. NEW ANGLE as Sonny and Mulvaney move toward the rear of the bank. SONNY Let's go to the back door. (referring to Howard) How'd that guy get to be a guard? MULVANEY Well, they go to guard school. SONNY To what... learn how to shoot? They don't get a gun. MULVANEY They make $105 a week to start. They fold the flag, check the place out in the morning. I don't know what they learn, Sonny. At some point in their move toward the rear door, Sylvia exits the Ladies' room and moves back toward the group. MULVANEY Here we are... the back door. They look at it. It is big, black, steel and seems solid. Sonny tests it. SONNY They could shoot the lock... I want to block it, so if they try comin' here, we're gonna hear it. Here, you pull on that side. (puts gun aside) He has found a big office machine, a Xerox or whatever, which he now starts to push toward the door. On the opposite side, Mulvaney starts to pull it toward the door. It's very heavy and they have to strain to budge it at all. Meanwhile: SONNY You got kids? MULVANEY I got two kids... and I'd like to see them again. SONNY Ah, I know! You're being very cooperative. I got no complaint against you whatever; you got bank insurance? Mulvaney has removed his suit jacket. MULVANEY You know I do. You seem to know a lot about bank procedure. Sonny laughs and pushes the machine. Mulvaney pulls from the opposite side. SONNY Don't ask me questions. I got connections. You find out who I am, you're cold meat. MULVANEY I don't care who you are... (shove) I just want to get you outta here, safe, right? SONNY What if I take you with me? MULVANEY (stopping to rest for a beat, thinking) If you take anybody, please take me. SONNY They'll shoot you; the fucking cops'll shoot you... they don't give a damn. In spite of that bank insurance. You see what they did in Attica, they shot everybody, the hostages, prisoners, cops, guards, forty-two people they killed, the innocent with the guilty. They have the machine almost to the door now, with Mulvaney almost pinned between the machine and the door. He eases himself out. Looks at the gun, then at Sonny, then they shove the machine against the door. Sonny then gives Mulvaney his jacket to put on again. SONNY Anyway, I'm not gonna take you. I'm gonna take one of the girls, a married one with a couple of kids. The cops don't like it in the papers when they kill a mother, especially if she's got young kids. Finished with the task, Sonny takes his gun and with Mulvaney, they start to cross back toward Sal and the rest of the group. SONNY You're just a nice guy, Mr. Mulvaney. Only don't fuck around with me, you know what I mean? MULVANEY I don't fool around with you. Mulvaney crosses back to his desk and sits down. At this point, all the phones are off the hooks. EXT. (AERIAL) ANGLE FROM INT. POLICE HELICOPTER (OVER BANK) As it banks steeply we can see past Pilot to bank, and cops around car. We see a small crowd being held back by a few police still setting up barricades. It is the first indication of the crowd event it became. It also sets the geography for us, but very quickly another copter swims into view and the two circle each other. The other copter -- only feet away -- is a TV news helicopter, with a big camera sticking out the open door on our side. It is turned down by the Cameraman to focus on the bank. A COP in the police helicopter yells through his bullhorn at the TV Cameraman. BULLHORN COP This is a restricted area. You are flying in a restricted area... The TV Cameraman swivels his camera up to focus on the Cop, and as the lens hits us dead center... INT. APARTMENT NEAR BANK Though an open window a fire escape can be seen and beyond it an angle of street and the bank. Near the window in a corner is a TV set, and on the TV set we are seeing the shot of the police helicopter and the Cop yelling on the bullhorn as seen from the TV copter. A couple of Elderly Men are sitting watching the TV set, ignoring the bank, which they can see in the flesh, as it were. Outside we are HEARING the copters, and on the TV set likewise, and the voice of the Announcer. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) ...police as yet have made no contact with the bank robbers who are locked in the bank... There is a HAMMERING at the door, and the men at the TV set barely have time to look around before several burly Cops wearing flak vests and helmets and carrying sniper rifles with telescopic slights move through the room, ignoring the men. They move out onto the fire escape, a couple going up higher, settling themselves down to aim in their rifles on the front of the bank. A lot of AD LIB dialogue, but what we note is the Cops, as a man, take a look at themselves on the TV. EXT. BANK - DAY The FRAME is full of cop faces... tough, mesomorphic faces with a layer of fat under the skin, increasing as age. They have the look of cops: alert, curious, weighing. They are city cops; they don't have that old-fashioned condemnatory expression, there is an element of playfulness in their nature -- the fact is they love their work, which is criminals. There is a peculiar delight in ferreting out the criminal impulse in everybody, and a matching fury in punishing it -- which is the action of repressing their own strongly developed criminal unconscious. These are tense, funny, violent, and rigidly controlled men. MORETTI is an old-line cop, a lot more relaxed than the younger men and the cold professionals of the FBI, who as a group resemble astronauts, and like them hide (but do not deny) the psychic chaos underneath. Right now they are looking at the sky. We HEAR a heavy helicopter track. We feature SHELDON, the silver-haired FBI Agent-in-Charge, who looks like an accountant, and Moretti, with hat and cigar, and a face out of Warner Brothers movies of the Forties. In spite of Sheldon's age, Moretti plays though he's a smart kid who still needs a little help. Sheldon is getting out of a gray car, wears a gray suit. Three men with him are carbon copies of him at younger ages. The three hang around him. They approach Moretti who looks at them without moving. MORETTI (to no one) Here comes the FBI. (to Sheldon) You men lookin' for protection? We got all the police right here. SHELDON Why didn't you just wait and try to take 'em out there in the street? Moretti looks at him, cheerfully sarcastic. MORETTI I made an error in judgment. I thought the sons of bitches would be overwhelmed with remorse at the sight of a police officer. And you know somethin'? Nobody has said hostage yet. Unnastan? They are moving past Cops on the corner heading toward a small barbershop across the street from the bank. We now sense the growing crowd, standing quietly, just staring not yet knowing what's going on. NEW ANGLE From down the street come a group of odd-looking men in suits, carrying all kinds of electric junk: The NEW REPORTERS. They run heavily, sweating martinis and cigarette smoke... they run up to Moretti and Sheldon, who walk along, trying not to catch an eye. MOVING SHOT - MORETTI AND SHELDON AMONG NEWSMEN. VOICES How many in the bank? Have they got hostages? Any shots exchanged? (Etc., AD LIB) MORETTI No, we don't know that yet. This young fella without the hat is FBI. I'm Detective Sergeant Eugene Moretti ... M-O-R-E-double-T-I. Eugene. I don't give a shit, but my wife cries if you spell it wrong. They have arrived at the barber shop where Moretti fights his way inside. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY A COP is talking on the wall phone as MORETTI, BAKER, etc. are trying to get inside. COP ...no, just get hold of Al, tell him to get the catering truck over to 26th and Avenue B, there's a bank robbery in progress and big crowd. Big! Tell him to bring ice cream -- I got to hang up. He hangs up and immediately begins thumbing through a POCKET PHONE BOOK. Throughout this Cop is engaged in personal business on the fringe of this affair, and though he's on duty he hardly knows what's happening on the robbery. He's trying to get his brother-in-law with the ice cream truck down here, etc. Moretti has got the crowd cleared back, so that now we SEE why this has been chosen as a tactical command post. From here, while talking on the phone, Moretti can see the bank, and through the uncurtained door he can even see some distance inside. Moretti picks up the phone. MORETTI (to phone cop) You get the phone company? PHONE COP It's being set up... this phone'll be a direct line into the bank. Moretti is already dialing. The phone is answered. INT. BANK - DAY (Re Moretti's 3rd conversation on phone with Sonny.) The group inside the bank have now been waiting approximately twelve minutes since anything last happened. Sonny is seated at Mulvaney's desk, all the phones off the hooks. The rest of the group is huddled around the vault area where Sal is keeping his eye on them. Suddenly, Sonny jumps up and puts all the receivers back on the hooks, crossing back to sit at Mulvaney's desk again. PHONE STARTS TO RING and Sonny picks it up. MORETTI Okay, you're in there and we're out here. What do we do now? SONNY I told you -- keep away. I don't know what we do now. MORETTI Awright, but I wanna talk to you. First off, we wanna know if the people in the bank are okay. SONNY They're okay. MORETTI You alone, or you got confederates? SONNY I'm not alone. MORETTI How many you got in there? SONNY I got Sal. MORETTI Sal? What's that for? Salvatore? SONNY Sal. He's the killer. We're Vietnam veterans so killing don't mean anything to us, you understand? A cop passing by presses a portable two-way radio into Moretti's hand: He accepts it and holds as though he expected it. The Cop passes the same type of set to certain other officers. These sets are tuned in to each other, and throughout the movie, there is a constant background talk on these sets. This is police procedure; the orders are for everyone to talk about everything. If anyone has a question, has heard a rumor or a sound, whatever, it is immediately responded to, so that there can be the fewest possible surprises. Sample dialogue might go: "Did I hear a shot?" "Over here, by the bank, there was a report like a gunshot, inside." "Roger, we heard that from the barbershop... it was inside the bank." "Barbershop, you can see inside?" "Roger, we heard from the barbershop... it was inside the bank." "Barbershop, you can see inside?" "Roger, this is the barbershop, we see inside, the perpetrator is moving toward the rear of the bank." "Who's that guy walking through the barricade?" "The blue suit?" "Yeah." "Off-duty Inspector come down to see can you use him." Etc. They really do use the word Perpetrator, Felon, etc. The Cop handing out radios makes Moretti sign for it -- which Moretti does during the following: MORETTI Right -- got ya. Okay, so there's you -- what's your name? SONNY What do you want to know that for? MORETTI Give me a name, any name, just so I got somethin' to call you. SONNY Call me Sonny-boy. MORETTI Sonny-boy, one word? SONNY One word. You won't find it in the phone book. MORETTI Listen, Sonny... can I call you Sonny for short? SONNY Call me whatever you want. MORETTI Okay, Sonny, I want to see if the people in the bank are okay, then what I want to do is work out a way to get them out of there. I want to come over there, without a gun... and you can frisk me. So you can see you can trust me. So we can talk and find a way outta this mess. SONNY I frisk you? MORETTI You frisk me. SONNY Right -- I'm with you, buddy. MORETTI I'd like just some sign I can trust you too, Sonny. I don't want to trust my body out where you could just shoot me. Some sight... right? SONNY Sure... like... I'm not gonna shoot you. MORETTI How about letting the people out of the bank. Why put them in this position? SONNY They're what's keeping me alive. You think you're dealing with an idiot? Talk to me then. MORETTI Okay, give us the women. SONNY Oh, no... Women is all we got. MORETTI You're all one way! I'm bein' reasonable with you; give me somethin'... Give me one of them, anyway... Just one... SONNY So -- you want me to send one out there... Okay. I'll see what I can do. Sonny hangs up and moves over to Sal. The rest of the group has been trying to make out what's being said at the other end of the conversation. SONNY (to Sal) He wants one. SAL Dead or alive? SONNY Alive. Now Sonny looks at the group. SONNY Okay... who's gonna go first? Mulvaney now stands up at his desk, looks over at the group near the vault. They look back at him, waiting for some instructions. MULVANEY It's up to you ladies. SYLVIA Howard! They are now unified. Sonny whispers something to Sal. SONNY To show that we're negotiating. SAL All right... send them the guard. SONNY All right... let's go. Sylvia takes Howard by the arms and starts to lead him toward the front door. Sal watches as they move toward front door. SAL Cover her, Sonny. Sonny moves with them toward the front door, his gun aimed at them during the walk. Finally they arrive, and Howard moves toward the door by himself. But the door is obviously locked. SYLVIA He needs the keys. Sonny gives her the keys. SAL (from the rear) Only one, Sonny. Sonny covers Sylvia as she moves to unlock the front door for Howard. SYLVIA Go along, Howard. ANGLE OUTSIDE DOOR As Howard is pushed out the door by Sylvia, a cop from a nearby car rushes up to him and shoves him to a curbside car where he bends Howard over the car, putting his hands behind him for handcuffs and starts to frisk him. HOWARD'S POV - QUICK CUTS About 100 weapons ranging from machine guns to hand guns to sniper rifles are whipped up and pointed straight at his chest and head. The effect is as though he is about to be blown entirely away. ANGLE ON THE BARBER SHOP Moretti rushes out, screaming to the cop with Howard. MORETTI Don't fire! THE RADIO NETWORK SCREAMS RADIO VOICES Did he say fire? What fire? Do we fire or what? Who fired? (Etc.) VARIOUS COPS Confusion reigns. They don't know if the perpetrator or not, since they haven't yet seen Sal or Sonny. Guns are up, aimed, being pushed down... Cops run for better vantage points. ANGLE ON HOWARD as Moretti reaches him. He pulls the cop away from him and starts to give him hell for the rough treatment being given the guard. ANGLE IN DOOR OF BANK With Sylvia in doorway, staring wildly at the street scene. Sonny is beside her covering her with his rifle. SYLVIA My God! That's Howard! We voted to send him out! VARIOUS ANGLES as the cops slowly realize their mistake. They stand back from Howard, who is virtually catatonic with fear and shock now. They get him up, a reluctant to believe they could have made such a mistake... ANGLE ON TV CAMERAMAN Near barber shop, across the street, jockeying, trying to focus in on him, elbowing each other, they yell out: CAMERAMAN Hey! Come out, get in the light. Hey, out where we can get a shot, huh? Who's the black guy? (etc. AD LIBS) LOW ANGLE - HELICOPTER (TO AND FROM) swings in over street to try for a shot. Howard is being taken in the direction of the barber shop. MORETTI to Cops. MORETTI Get him outta here! DOOR OF BANK Sonny back in the shadows with Sylvia, looking at Moretti, appalled. ON MORETTI Behind him a mob scene. Howard is being led away, weeping. Photographers, cops, a phalanx of cops have their weapons levelled on Sonny like a firing squad. It is right on the edge of violence... of blowing up. Sonny and Sylvia are in the shelter of the doorway, Moretti stands on the sidewalk, looking toward Sonny inside the bank. MORETTI Sonny - come out here a minute. At this point, he removes his jacket and drops it to the ground, showing Sonny that he is unarmed. SONNY You got these cops outta here. They're comin' in too close. MORETTI Come on. I want you to see something. SONNY You want me to give up, huh? Look, Sal's in back with the girls. Anything happens to me - one move - and Sal gives it to them. Boom boom. How do I know you won't jump me? MORETTI I don't forget about Sal and the boom boom room. I want you to see this. Sonny turns back to tell Sal he's going outside. Moretti stands well out in the street, to reassure Sonny nobody is going to try to jump him. Sonny stares around; he nudges Sylvia out ahead of him. As they edge into sight of the Media across the street: NEWSMEN AND PHOTOGRAPHERS Out in the light. Hey, Lady! You're on TV, Lady! Smile, any... god damn thing... ANGLES - SHOWING CROWDS straining against police lines: this is where we begin to sense the size of the event. People are eating popsicles and ice cream. They are diverted and excited. Sonny and Sylvia begin to emerge: CATCALLS and HOOTS of greeting... CLOSER - SONNY AND SYLVIA as he looks around, and the impact of his situation really hits him: he's not only totally surrounded, he's an event. Some of the crowd CHEER him. An army of Cops, and guns all levelled on Sonny. MORETTI Let Sal come out, take a look. What hope you got? Quit while you're ahead. All you got is attempted robbery. SONNY ...armed robbery... MORETTI Well, armed, then. Nobody's been hurt. Release the hostages, nobody is gonna worry over kidnapping charges, the worst you're gonna get is five years -- you can be out in a year. Sonny stares at him, his face utterly blank. SONNY Kiss me. Moretti stops, stares back. MORETTI What? SONNY (deadpan) When I'm bein' fucked, I like to be kissed a lot. (bursting out) Who the fuck are you tryin' to con me into some deal? You're a city cop, where's the FBI? This is a federal offense, I got kidnapping, armed robbery, they're gonna bury me! You know it, you can't talk for them, you're some flunky pig tryin' to bullshit me. Now God damn it, get somebody in charge here to talk to me! MORETTI Calm down, you're not... SONNY Calm down... look at this, look at him...! Gestures at the cops, the wall of rifles and machine guns levelled on him. It is incredible and terrifying... SONNY (continuing) They wanna kill me so bad they can taste it! He takes a defiant step into the street. The crowd SCREAMS as they get their first view, which is of Sonny telling the Cops off. They don't need to hear the words, they can see it. SONNY (screaming) Attica! Attica! Go ahead! Blow off the front of the whole God damn bank! He holds his hands wide offering himself as a target to the hulking officer. SONNY (to the TV) If it wasn't for you guys they'd kill everybody and say it was me and Sal. (to Moretti) You tell 'em to put the guns down. I can't stand it. He means it. Moretti gestures to the officers to back away, lower the guns. The crowd YELLS: Sonny has beat the Cops. He is momentarily their hero. It's a breaking point. Moretti makes a decision. MORETTI (Cop language command to put gun away) All right - put the guns down! He has to YELL it twice before the Cop slowly, angrily, stuffs the gun into his holster. SOUND: The crowd screams. ON SONNY hearing the Crowd APPLAUSE. He turns and grins and waves to them. They SCREAM more. He turns and waves to the media. They've been YELLING. MEDIA Hey, over here! Give us a wave! It is at this point that newsman leans out a window of the second floor of the bank, quickly lowering a mike boom. Sylvia sees this above her head. ON MORETTI unhappy, looking around at Sheldon, who shrugs. He did what he had to do. ON SONNY Suddenly realizing what control he has, enjoying it. He turns mockingly his left and his right profile to cameras. INT. TENEMENT HALLWAY A FAT WOMAN runs heavily, stumbling, a delighted grin on her face, up the stairs PAST CAMERA, yelling to someone unseen upstairs. FAT WOMAN Vi! Oh, Jesus. Vi! Turn on the TV, turn the TV on, you can see it's him. INT. VI'S APARTMENT - DAY Small, jammed with little things of sentimental value and cheap furniture, clean, but well-worn. VI, a small woman in her fifties, with a perpetual smile, and the sweating Fat Woman trot in, just as Vi's HUSBAND, a dour man in his fifties, is exiting. FAT WOMAN ...I swear to God it looked just like him! He hesitates in the doorway as the two women rush to the TV which is already on, the station showing live coverage of the bank robbery. On SCREEN, Sonny can be seen ordering the cops around. Moretti looks furious. ON THE TV SET VI (as the recognizes Sonny) Oh, My God in Heaven! TV NEWSMAN ...the robber, whose identity is not known, came out of the bank, with a hostage, Mrs. Sylvia Ball... FAT WOMAN (proud) Did I tell you? He looks good! IMAGE OF SYLVIA ON TV VI What's he doin' this for? He didn't tell me he needed money. He would of told me. TV NEWSMAN ...Mrs. Ball, is everyone all right in the bank? HUSBAND Why rob a bank when you got a sucker for a mother? SYLVIA Oh, yeah, the one girl was cryin', but we're havin' a ball, so far, if just nobody shoots... VI Why didn't he tell me? NEWSMAN What about the man inside the bank? What is he doing? HUSBAND I just hope he gives the wrong name. He reaches for TV to turn it off. Vi stops him. SYLVIA Sal? He never talks, only goes: 'Sonny, you want me to shoot that one, this one.' HUSBAND Is that all there is -- that little bastard down there in the bank? TV NEWSMAN Mrs. Ball, do you think they might shoot, if they get desperate? VI You got money for the subway? SYLVIA Hey, wait, he's goin' back in. (she turns OUT OF PICTURE) FAT WOMAN Subway! It's a special occasion -- take a cab, for God's sake! NEW IMAGE Sonny returning toward bank. EXT. BANK - DAY TWO SHOT - SONNY AND MORETTI as they shake hands. As Sonny starts into the bank first, he holds the door open, waiting for Sylvia. In the meantime, the 2nd-floor media man yells down to her. SYLVIA (looking up toward them) I gotta go now. MEDIA (2ND FLOOR) Hey, lady... you're out now. Stay out! Sonny, waiting patiently, holds door open for her. SYLVIA They're my girls. They need me in there. And she walks through the door past Sonny and into the bank. Moretti yells up at the media to get the hell away and at the same time, turns to a nearby cop and gives orders for the air conditioning to be turned off inside the bank. As the crowd realizes what has happened, they APPLAUD and SCREAM. At the door: ANGLE IN BANK DOOR as Sonny turns to grin and wave back at crowd. CUT TO: INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny and Sylvia walk into bank and head for the group at the rear. Mulvaney is seated at his desk, but the rest of the girls are standing around the vault area. Sylvia heads for the girls as Sonny walks toward Sal. SYLVIA Hey, girls -- I was on television... MULVANEY (to passing Sonny) What about Howard? Sonny makes reassuring gesture to let him know Howard is safe. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Turn on the TV. Mulvaney turns on the TV set. In the meantime, Sylvia has reached the other girls. GIRLS What happened? And Sylvia begins to recount the events out on the street, mainly about herself as a television celebrity. ANGLE ON TV SET as we see the image of a TV NEWSMAN across the street. Then, as his director CUTS, we will see on the TV set an ANGLE ON THE BANK AS SEEN FROM ACROSS THE STREET. The TV Cameraman ZOOMS and the TV image ZEROES IN through the door to show a partially-screened but quite clear image of Sonny, talking to Sal. SONNY (to Sal) The whole media is out there... it looks a lot better for us than it did before... ON SAL absorbing this... TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) We can see the robbers inside the bank, and we're trying now to establish contact. THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING. TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) We're on the telephone to the bank manager, Patrick J. Mulvaney... Mister Mulvaney... Mulvaney answers the phone. MULVANEY'S VOICE (V.O.) Yes, I can hear you. SONNY serious, nodding to Sal. TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) Can you put the robber on the phone? Will he talk to us? MULVANEY'S VOICE (V.O.) You wanna talk to him... Sonny... Sonny turns, trying to understand... NEW ANGLE SONNY What? MULVANEY The TV... they want to talk to you... He holds out the phone. Sonny walks over to him and takes the receiver. On the TV screen, we can see him doing this. SONNY (into phone) Yeah? Who's this? WABC TV NEWSMAN Sir, you're on the air. I wonder if you'd answer a few questions. SONNY (to Sal) Hey, Sal... (to phone) Sure. TV NEWSMAN Why are you doing this? SONNY Doing what? TV NEWSMAN Robbing a bank. SONNY I don't know... It's where they got the money. I mean, if you want to steal, you go to where they got the money, right? Jenny now edges over and sits on top of Edna's desk. TV NEWSMAN But I mean, why do you need to steal? Couldn't you get a job? SONNY Get a job doing what? You gotta be a member of a union, no union card - no job. To join the union, you gotta get the job, but you don't get the job without the card. TV NEWSMAN What about, ah, non-union occupations? SONNY Like what? Bank teller? What do they get paid - (now looks over at girls who offer the information - $135.37) they pay one hundred thirty-five dollars and thirty-seven cents to start. I got a wife and kids. I can't live on that -- You want to live on that? What do you make a week? TV NEWSMAN (swiftly, evasive) I'm here to talk to you, Sonny, not... SONNY Wait a minute... I'm talkin' to you. I'm askin' you a question... TV NEWSMAN The audience is interested in you, Sonny... not me. SONNY Yeah! We're hot entertainment, right? You got me and Sal on TV... we're entertainment you sell, right? TV NEWSMAN You're news, Sonny... SONNY How much you have to pay an entertainer to fill this slot? TV NEWSMAN Newsman, not... SONNY Okay, newsman. How much you make a week? (beat) You're not talkin'. You payin' me? What have you got for me? We're givin' you entertainment... what are you givin' us? TV NEWSMAN What do you want us to give you? You want to be paid for... SONNY I don't want to be paid. I'm here with Sal and eight other people... and we're dyin'! They're gonna blow our guts out, man! You're gonna see our brains onna sidewalk! How's that for all you shut-ins and housewives to look at! You gonna help, or you just put it on instead of AS THE WORLD TURNS? We're dyin' here! What have you got for me? TV NEWSMAN You could give up. SONNY Oh yeah? Give up? You ever been in prison? TV NEWSMAN Of course not... SONNY Then talk about somethin' you fuckin' know about... At that instant, the TV screen switches to a PLEASE STAND BY card and we hear an announcer's voice over: ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, our transmission has been temporarily interrupted. Please stand by. Sonny hangs up the phone, looks at Mulvaney, puzzled at the outcome of the conversation. SONNY Why the hell did he do that? What the hell did I do? MULVANEY I guess he didn't appreciate your use of language. They don't speak that way on television. It's a rule. Do you realize you've cut off a valuable source of communication? Sonny now moves over to Sal. SONNY Okay, Sal... what do we do? SAL (no answer) SONNY I figure maybe we can get the FBI to make a deal... SAL What kind of a deal? SONNY Maybe we can get outta this thing alive... get 'em to drop the kidnapping charges... SAL What do you mean? You talkin' about coppin a plea? SONNY (starts to speak, but Sal interrupts) SAL ...because if you're talking about coppin' a plea, I'm tellin' you right now, there's no deal... I'm never going back to prison... We got our own deal already... Do you remember the pact we made? You and me and Jackie - that night in the bar... we were talkin' about if we get trapped in the bank, what are you gonna do... Right? What did we say? What did we say! SONNY We'd kill ourselves. SAL Does that still go? PHONE RINGS. SONNY We're not there yet. PHONE CONTINUES TO RING. Sonny now walks over to the ringing phone on Edna's desk. Jenny, sitting on top of the desk, thinks the call is from her husband, starts to reach for it but as she does, Sonny grabs it away from her. SONNY You're on the phone! 1ST CRANK (V.O.) Kill them all. Now. It's a heavy adhesive voice that can be heard clearly throughout the bank. SONNY Kill them all now? You fuckin' creep! Don't call here again! Sonny slams down the receiver, looks around at the group. SONNY You see what we're dealing with? They want me to kill all of you! MULVANEY What now, Sonny? SONNY Wait a minute... I've been looking at this all wrong... Let's look at it the other way... He crosses over to Sal. SONNY Look, we gotta get a jet outta here... outta the country. We gotta get a helicopter. Okay, Sal? We get a helicopter on the roof to take us to the jet and we fly to the sunny Caribbean. Algeria. We got to look at the bright side. We got 'em by the balls, we got the hostages, we can get anything we want. They gotta give it to us. Edna exits ladies room as Sonny crosses back to the phone, picks it up. SONNY (into phone) Get me Moretti. Now Sonny turns and speaks to the group. SONNY We're all gonna get outta here. You're all gonna be all right. I'm gonna ask for a helicopter and a jet... and we're gonna get outta here alive... You've all been all right with me and as long as it stays that way, then things are gonna be all right - as long as you cooperate... (into phone) Moretti, I want to talk to you. I'm comin' out. Sonny slams the phone down and walks over to Sal, rifle still in his hands. SONNY You realize, Sal, that we're gonna get outta the country, so if you wanna talk to somebody, do it now... You gotta Mother or a Father? Friends? (Sal nods no) If we gotta be outside the country, where do you wanna go? Any country. Just name a country. SAL Wyoming. SONNY (stopped for a moment) Wyoming... That's not out of the country -- that's in the United States... Look, I'll be back. Sonny starts to walk toward the door. As he does, Sal calls back to him. SAL Sonny! Gimme the gun. You don't need that. Sonny realizes what he's saying and crosses back to Sal and hands him the gun, then moves toward the front door. EXT. BANK - DAY Much as before. Sonny steps out. The guns start to come up. SONNY Put them down. The Cops lower their weapons. Moretti comes out on the sidewalk. He's eating an ice cream bar, and stands seemingly at ease, an island of calm control in a storm of passion about to be let loose. The Cops are always about to explode. MORETTI Sonny, ya want somethin'? Sonny is about to open his mouth when a medium-size dark- haired Man who has been standing among people behind the barriers puts his head down and runs at astonishing speed right across the street towards Sonny. He catches everybody so by surprise he is already on Sonny before anyone can do more than start to yell at him to stop. Sonny, himself, can't believe it! He is slammed to the ground and the Man begins to punch him and beat him viciously. Cops charge in and with great difficulty pull him off. YELLING on the radio network; TV Reporters and the crowd up and SCREAMING for blood! CLOSE ANGLE as Moretti steps in. Sonny gets up, dazed. The Man goes on kicking and fighting Cops... MORETTI Who the hell is that? ANGLE SHOWING DOOR OF BANK Mulvaney stands in the door... MORETTI (to Maria's boy friend) Hey! What the fuck you tryin' to do? You don't think the whole police department can do the job? MARIA'S BOY FRIEND I think he's got Maria in there, and I see blood, man! I wanta jam him up... MORETTI Jesus, the Spanish! You gotta do it yourself, right? Eye for an eye! Go wan get outa here, we'll take care of her. (turns to Sonny) You okay, Sonny? Boy, he hung a couple good ones on you there! MULVANEY (from door; alarmed) Sal wants to see Sonny. He says he'll shoot unless he can see Sonny. He means Sal. Sonny, dazed and bleeding, reels to the door and calls in... Sal now stands alone behind 3rd pillar. SONNY It's okay, Sal. He turns back to face Moretti, Sylvia, Mulvaney. SONNY (continuing; hurt, wondering) He wanted to kill me! MORETTI It's okay, you got a lot of protection. CLOSE - SONNY Looking around, bewildered, the crowd is YELLING and now it sounds unfriendly. He is really shaken up... He shakes himself -- stops that line and starts over in a business- like tone. SONNY I want a helicopter to get outa here! And a jet to take us to... (cagey) ...wherever we want to go. Outa the country, so no little jets. A big one with a bar and a piano lounge. MORETTI I don't know, Sonny. I don't know if the helicopters can land in here. I'll have to check it out. I got superiors, unnerstan? They don't always see eye to eye with me. I'll do what I can. Sonny looks him in the eye. Suddenly he makes kissing motions and sounds with his lips. We know what he's referring to: he thinks Moretti's trying to fuck him over. MORETTI (continuing) Sonny, be reasonable! SONNY I want to see my wife. I want you to bring her down here. MORETTI Okay, what do you give me? SONNY What do you want? MORETTI The girl hostages. SONNY Nothin' doin'. I give you one hostage when you bring my wife, and one for the helicopter, one for the jet, and the rest can come home on the jet. MORETTI (kiss) I'll see what they'll do. Sonny smiles and pantomimes kissing. MORETTI Okay, you pick out who you're gonna give us. Where's your wife? EXT. ROCKAWAY BEACH - DAY There's Heidi. Her body lies exactly as before, baking in the sun. The transistor RADIO plays... she seems to be asleep... RADIO ...the leader of the pair, a Vietnam veteran, Sonny Abramowicz, has demanded in return for releasing one of the hostages that police allow his wife to visit him at the bank. Police spokesman... Heidi sits bolt upright, stares at the radio, which continues to blather on. Abruptly she begins to gather up her things, her children, in a characteristically scatter-brained and hyperactive sort of way. Heidi is a one woman panic: she hustles away across the broiling sand carrying the radio wadded up in towels, and lugging a child, crying helplessly, by one elbow, as though it were a handle, a silhouette against the late afternoon sun, out of Fellini... meanwhile on the SOUND TRACK we are hearing her voice. It is a breathless, harsh childish voice that pours out the words in a torrent: HEIDI (V.O.) The transistor goes Sonny what? I couldn't believe my ears, so I shut the transistor, get outta here, who needs this? I say Sonny didn't do it. It's not him to rob a bank. It's not him to hurt anybody, to threaten anybody, to steal or do anything wrong. 'Cause he's never done nothin' wrong from the day I know him. She is stumping off into the sunset as she says these words and we CUT TO: EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - DAY Out of a subway crowd, she struggles, pulling the two kids by the hand, a very ordinary woman in a most ordinary New York scene... HEIDI (V.O.) ...Only he tells me this and he tells me that, he's with the Mafia, I say, Sonny, where do you get the money, you're on welfare, how can you rent a new Eldorado, red, you don't like the color you rent a yellow. EXT. HEIDI'S APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY A working class block, dirty, shops in the first floor, three story walk-ups above... Heidi appears and runs up the stoop. TWO COPS get out of a squad car where they've been staked out and move up to her. They never really get in a word edgewise. They follow her into the hall... Now as we CUT CLOSER to her, we will SEE Heidi's mouth in SYNC with the words... HEIDI So night before last we're at Coney Island, he's on the rides with the kids, an' I have this habit of goin' in glove compartments an' all, an' I see... INT. HALL - DAY Heidi struggles up the stairs, dragging the kids -- the cops following... HEIDI this gun with bullets in there, an' I go to myself, oh God, Sonny! That's all I had to see, I didn't say anything. She's got her door unlocked. Below and on the stairs behind the Cops, curious neighbors peer in... INT. HEIDI'S APARTMENT - DAY Chaos out of cut-rate furniture stores. Full of unwashed glasses, kids' clutter. Throughout, the children rush around unchecked. Neighbors enter without ceremony and listen. The Cops stand, trying vainly to communicate... As they enter... HEIDI (continuing) And things are adding in my head, how crazy he's been acting, and in with a bad crowd, an' I look at him, he's yellin' at the kids like a madman. So inna car I said to him, Sonny, what you gonna do with the gun? You gonna shoot me and dump my body inna river or what? I was so scared of him, I never been scared of Sonny never. You know, his mother says the cops was always at our house, we was always fighting. I hit him with the jack in the car once, but I only missed and hit myself, you should of seen my leg. And all he would ever do is put on his coat and go out. So they say it's Sonny but I don't believe it. COP 1 Lady, you saw him. You saw his gun. HEIDI He might of done it, his body functions might of done it, but not he himself. INT. BANK - LATE AFTERNOON - APPROX. 5 PM The group is now situated like this: 1) MULVANEY'S DESK - the TV is on; seated in his chair, filing her nails is MIRIAM. Seated to her left, having pulled the chair a patron uses, is MARIA, watching TV and listening to her transistor radio, against her left ear, at the same time. MULVANEY (at back water cooler - will eventually move back to his desk, sit down to Miriam's right.) 2) EDNA - is now behind the Tellers' cages, straightening up the mess; she picks up the loose money that Sonny had scattered thru the air, puts them into packets and ties them with rubber bands. 3) SAL - is seated in the rear Conference room, still holding his rifle, feet up on the table. 4) MULVANEY & DEBORAH - at the rear water cooler (from which she will move to see what's wrong with Margaret) 5) MARGARET - seated at her desk, obviously ill, wiping her forehead, head bowed. 6) SYLVIA and JENNY - at far right table, doing a crossword puzzle. 7) SONNY - pacing back and forth Mulvaney's desk, posing a legal puzzle for Maria. Sonny, his gun now lying across the top of Mulvaney's desk, is pacing back and forth between the desk areas. He's talking to Maria in particular, but anyone in earshot in general. SONNY Let's say I put a gun to your head and I tell you to kill a cop... and you did. Who'd go to the electric chair... you or me? MARIA You would... you told me to do it. SONNY But you shot him. MIRIAM (joining in) But you told her to. SONNY Yeah - But you did it. Deborah crosses to Margaret who is ill. Deborah goes to Sylvia - who returns with her her to Margaret. It should begin getting dark in through here. It is very hot and sweaty in the bank. OPEN SCENE ON: CLOSE MULVANEY ON PHONE He is sweating, worried. He is listening to a conversation we can HEAR... as it goes on SHOT WIDENS to reveal the others in various postures of waiting. Sal more disheveled, Sonny's restlessness is unabated; he paces about like a caged animal. The voice on the phone is breathy and youthful: Sonny has been listening for a long time. JESUS FREAK (V.O.) Jesus Christ is coming back and he's really pissed. SONNY (gently) Yeah, well I don't blame him. JESUS FREAK (V.O.) You know, Sonny, I used to dope a lot, and I was into dipping? And I did a couple bank jobs, and the Lord Jesus in his everlasting mercy saved me, you know how? Sonny is desperate to get off the phone but doesn't dare risk the wrath of God by hanging up on this guy. He might have the secret after all. SONNY No. Look, we're kind of.... JESUS FREAK (V.O.) That's why I can talk to you, as an equal, Sonny. You got to merge your whole soul with God. And then you are Him and one with the Holy Ghost. SONNY Yeah, well... maybe you better talk to one of these others, okay? JESUS FREAK (V.O.) Sonny? Don't send me away! I can help you save your soul ... Sonny hangs up. Deborah moves to Margaret, who is ill. She goes to tell Sylvia who immediately crosses to Margaret. ANGLE ON MARGARET & SYLVIA SYLVIA The air conditioning is off or something. (Looks at Margaret) she's sick. Sonny runs around, notices her - sees that air conditioner is off. SONNY Where's the air conditioning? MULVANEY I don't know, Sonny... on the roof somewhere I guess. SONNY (improv. about going out back to find the air conditioning mechanism) Sonny moves toward Sal in the Conference room. Mulvaney follows discreetly behind him. SONNY Sal, I'm gonna take a look at the air conditioning. Sonny and Mulvaney start to move out toward the back door area. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Do you think we can turn it on? MULVANEY I don't know. At this point, Sal calls out to Sonny, and gets up to move to him. SAL Sonny - SONNY Yeah... SAL I never been up in a plane before. SONNY It's nothing - it just goes up - it's the safest thing in the world. Safer than a car. Don't worry about it, Sal - it'll be all right... they're great... And Sonny and Mulvaney exit toward rear of bank. INT. BANK - BACK DOOR AREA - LATE AFTERNOON (APPROX. 5 PM) Sonny and Mulvaney move toward the back door and stop under a trap door in the ceiling. Mulvaney looks up at it. MULVANEY It's gonna be up there. As Sonny is staring up at the trap door, thinking about what to do, he hears a tiny scratching SOUND. SONNY What's that? Sonny, tensing like an animal, peers around wildly to locate the source of the little scratching SOUND: like mice at a steel door. ON SONNY who quickly runs back toward the desk area. ON GROUP - DESKS' AREA Sonny races back in, grabs the gun from atop Mulvaney's desk, and with the cartridge in the other hand, runs back toward the back door again, jamming cartridge into rifle. At this point, Sal runs in from the Conference room, covering everyone point-blank again, yelling for Edna to join the rest of the group. SONNY (whispering) They're trying to come through the door! SAL (to Edna) Everybody! Back here! Edna quickly obeys, moving quickly to the rest of the group. ON BACK DOOR AREA as Sonny races toward Mulvaney and back door with gun. ANGLE ON MULVANEY Somebody or something is working on the other side of the door! NEW ANGLE ON SONNY as he moves back from the door, turns and levels the rifle on the back door... MULVANEY Sonny, if you shoot, shoot high... my car's parked out there. ON SONNY staring at the door. He hears the continued scratching noise and might even see the door knob move. Abruptly he swings the rifle up so the bullet going through will clearly go over the head of any man, out through the transom. He FIRES. ANGLE ON INSIDE - SAL AND GROUP They all scream, some of them falling to the floor, huddling together in terror. SONNY - AND GROUP Sonny races back into main area where Sal covers group. SAL (to group) Get over here! Get over here! EXT. BANK - REAR DOOR - LATE DAY A knot of half a dozen police are working at the door. Two were trying to work tubes under it to pump in gas, others were trying a nylon line to the doorknob, the idea being that if Sonny came out that way, the moment he began to open the door the cops would yank it open, exposing him completely and gun him down. The cops SCREAM as the SHOT comes through the door, showering them with brick fragments. They scramble over cars, over each other, over fences, running into other cops, who also, not knowing what's happening, turn and flee, running into the crowd, which panics. VARIOUS ANGLES on men, women, children, cops, detectives, dogs, cats, reporters, all in the area of the rear of the bank fleeing in waves over fences, cars, etc. A flood of people like lemmings. This is INTERCUT BY: INT. BANK 1) MARGARET fainting. 2) SAL herds group into vault area. 3) SONNY dashing back and forth into rear bank area. ANGLE ON BARBER SHOP Moretti, Sheldon, others come charging out, wondering what the hell, pulling guns out. BACK OF BANK The cops, safely distanced and back in cover, peek out at: BANK DOOR It is okay. RADIO NETWORK (V.O.) What's happening? He shot through the door. Is he coming out? Can you see in... (Etc., etc.) ON MORETTI reaches out his hand for a bullhorn that is thrust into it immediately. MORETTI (on bullhorn) Sonny! A few louts in the crowd yell out in imitation: LOUTS Sonny! MORETTI Sonny! CROWD (echoing) Sonny! Moretti shrugs off his irritation and raises the bullhorn one more time: the crowd is ready and SCREAMS in unison as Moretti says: MORETTI & CROWD Sonny! You could hear it for a half a mile! Sonny starts to yell at Moretti. SONNY (inside bank) What the hell you doin' back there? MORETTI Sonny, come on out! Sonny walks over to Sal, gives him the rifle. SONNY Sal, watch 'em... I'm goin' out. ANGLE ON BANK as Sonny comes charging out. SONNY What the fuck do you want? MORETTI They were... SONNY You tryin' to fuck me? MORETTI No, I'm not tryin' to fuck you. SONNY So, what were they doin'? You're tellin' me you had nothin' to do with that back there? MORETTI I swear to God I had nothing to do with it... SONNY Bullshit... I don't walk to talk to you... MORETTI Wait a minute... everything you asked for is on the way... SONNY Yeah... MORETTI Is on its way... The helicopter can't land but we got a bus... the jet's on its way to Kennedy... we got a bus coming here... SONNY You're full of shit... MORETTI Sonny, your wife's on the way... We reached her... your wife's on the way... everything you asked for, you got. SONNY Well, what were you doin' back there? MORETTI It can't happen again... I'll do everything I can to stop anything I can... SONNY You know, you're telling me that a helicopter can't land here... MORETTI Can't land... you'd kill people... SONNY Don't fuck with me... MORETTI I'm not... I'm not... you're gettin' a bus... you're gettin' a bus... the jet's comin' into Kennedy... and your wife's on the way... what else do you need? What else can I get you? Listen, I don't know how you can do better... see that man over there... the FBI guy... SONNY Just one more explosion like that and you're gonna see a dead body... MORETTI There won't be... there won't be... What else do you need? How else can we help you? SONNY All right... I got some hungry people in there... I want to get some pizza... some stuff like that... MORETTI What else? SONNY Cokes, seven-ups... (Moretti repeats) also some aspirin... MORETTI Aspirins... okay you got it. (turns behind him to a near-by cop) Charlie! Six pizzas! SONNY Okay... Sonny turns and walks back into the bank. INT. BANK - DAY ANGLE ON SAL WITH THE GROUP as Sonny enters and walks toward Sal. SONNY Okay... okay... all right, Sal, it's okay. I got everything straightened out... it's gonna be okay. SAL Get over there! SONNY Look, I talked to him and it's not going to be a helicopter - they can't land on top of the roof - so they're comin' with a big... limousine bus and they'll take us to the airport - and they're gonna get a jet... so things are rollin'... They're movin'... I also ordered some food... I got some pizzas for us, all right? I got some things to drink - I got sodas... I even asked them for aspirins... I'm doin' what I can... now I gotta pay for the pizza... where are the marked bills? He now walks behind Tellers' cages and picks up some of the decoy money that Edna had started to clean up and re-stack. Mulvaney walks over to him. MULVANEY Are we going to get the ball rolling? SONNY What are you talking about? What do you think I'm doin'? I'm gettin' the ball rollin'. I'm keeping these people happy... I'm keeping you happy... I gotta keep the cops cooled out... I gotta do everything... I gotta pay for the pizza .. I'm workin' on it, do you know what I mean? I'm workin' on it... Jesus Christ! I gotta do it all... I got all the ideas... you want me to give you the gun? You want to take it over? Sonny walks to the front door with the money. EXT. BANK DOOR - DAY as Sonny appears in it. NEW ANGLE TO REVEAL THE DELIVERY BOY guarded by a couple of cops. DELIVERY BOY You the guy wanted the pizza? Sonny grabs bills from the wad he holds and thrusts them at him. DELIVERY BOY It's paid for. (looks at Moretti; Moretti nods) SONNY Keep the change... As the cops reach for the money, knowing it's bank money, people in the crowd yell: CROWD AD LIBS Hey, over here! Hey, robber! How about a thousand! Throw some over here! Hey, no shit, I need an operation, I don't even have a job... (Etc.) Sonny holds up the money. The crowd cheers. He throws the wad of bills and it scatters in the air. The WIND is blowing now. Even some cops join the ensuing melee to gather it up... VARIOUS ANGLES as cops move forward and try to catch the bills. Some blow into the crowd. Fights break out in the crowd as they scramble for the money. The crowd breaks the barriers and swarms after the cash. Cops try to retrieve bills; fist fights, arrests. MORETTI staring at the mess. Sonny also watching the people. There is in both of them the same reaction of faint disgust at the greed unleashed. Sonny angrily hurls another bundle after the first... then laughs as he watches the people fighting. Moretti nods ironically at him. Sonny turns and enters the bank with the food. The fighting goes on in the street. INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny enters carrying food. SONNY Okay - Chow! He puts it down in front of Mulvaney, on Mulvaney's desk. Mulvaney looks at it, sickly. As Mulvaney looks up at Sonny: SONNY You eat it first. I don't know if they put something in it. EXT. SIDEWALK NEAR BANK - DAY Moretti, Sheldon, other top cops march fast-time toward the barrier where uniformed cops stand around a limousine that has drawn up to the barrier. It is full of white-haired officials, one of them the COMMISSIONER. He has a voice broken by whiskey, cigars, good food and yelling at football games. DOLLY AT A LOW DRAMATIC ANGLE WITH MORETTI AND ETC. It looks like they may be going into action. Moretti's attitude is not that subtly different now he's talking to brass. Commissioner doesn't get out; he talks through window. The Commissioner's hand, pudgy and freckled with age, covers Moretti's where it rests on the door: he massages Moretti's hand fondly. COMMISSIONER Gene -- you smilin'? MORETTI No. I never smile any more. COMMISSIONER Whattaya think: we gonna kill any civilians tonight, Gene? MORETTI I never make bets or guesses, that way I'm never wrong and I never have to pay out. COMMISSIONER Gene, Jesus, what a bull he is! A lot of comfortable CHUCKLES inside the limo. The Commissioner's hand lingers on Moretti's -- they are fond of each other, these men, linked in a relationship of a lifetime of shared experience, of attitudes, of maleness -- an accumulation of years of jokes about being late for dinner, of women waiting and women panting with desire, men secure in the bastion of their roles. What is being passed on here is a purely emotional force of approval and acceptance from top to bottom of a social institution that is the last totally masculine society: police. The homosexual content of this should not be lost: it lies in the comfortable fit of their feelings, in the fact, simply, that they love each other, for what they share. MORETTI So whatsa deal? COMMISSIONER They jet's comin' out. But don't let 'em off the ground. MORETTI What if we gotta kill a whole lot of people? COMMISSIONER Don't let 'em off the ground. MORETTI Listen. He leans down to get close to his commissioner, because he's not fooled by the camaraderie into a false sense of security. TIGHTER TWO SHOT - MORETTI AND COMMISSIONER COMMISSIONER (anticipating) If you're right I'm gonna back you a hundred percent, you know that. MORETTI (pleasantly) Fuck you, sir - if I'm right, I don't need you. What I want is - if I make an honest mistake I want help. The Commissioner nods - presses a button and the window goes up to keep the air conditioning in and the heat out. INT. BANK - LATE AFTERNOON - APPROX. 5 PM - MAIN BANK AREA as we hear Jenny on the phone with her husband. Sonny is doing the manual of arms with his rifle. JENNY ...well, just pick him up and hold him. No, he's not spoiled, he's just got to settle his stomach after eating. He's used to me feeding me, that's all. At one point, Sonny starts to show Miriam how to hold the gun and in mock seriousness, she tries to do the manual of arms. WE DRIFT TOWARD THE BACK CONFERENCE ROOM where Sal is seated at the Conference table, rifle on the table. Edna and Sylvia are also seated there. Maria enters. SYLVIA Somebody give me a cigarette. Maria walks over to her, offering her one, then remembers: MARIA Sylvia, you don't smoke. SYLVIA I never smoked before in my life but I got a right to start now if I want to. SAL You don't smoke... why do you want to start now. SYLVIA Because I'm scared, that's why. You never smoked? SAL I used to, but I stopped. SYLVIA You stopped? Why? SAL Because I don't want cancer. SYLVIA You don't want cancer? You're about to get your head blown off, you're worried about cancer. (to Maria) Gimme the cigarette. Maria starts to hand one to her. SAL No! I'm not kidding. Don't you understand? You're pure! SYLVIA Pure? SAL You shouldn't start now. SYLVIA For God's sake! As soon as I'm outta this bank robbery, I'm gonna stop... okay? SAL Go ahead. Do what you want to do. I hate to see you break a perfect record. You oughta take care of your body. SYLVIA My body? What for? SAL Your body is the temple of the Lord. SYLVIA (staring at him) You're serious! SAL You're really pure, you know? You got a perfect record. You never used that stuff to ruin your body, why start now? SYLVIA You know, you remind me of my 19- year-old brother - only he's got his hair down to his knees - he looks like something that eats berries and roots out of the ground. God forbid I should say something to him like, 'Listen, if you ever smoke marijuana, just remember that it's illegal' and he storms outta the house. You rob a bank, but you keep your body pure, is that it? SAL You gonna smoke the cigarette? SYLVIA Yes... Sal gets up and starts to leave the room... SYLVIA (calling to him) Sal... If I die of cancer it's going to be half your fault. Sylvia grabs the cigarette from Maria. SAL (exiting) No - it's because you're weak. Sonny continues with "Manual of Arms" business with rifle. Mulvaney is on the phone. MULVANEY (overlapping Janet into phone) Mulvaney... (listens) JANET (into phone) I don't know. MULVANEY (to Sonny) It's for you. Moretti. Sonny takes the phone... SONNY Yeah? MORETTI We're bringing in your wife... ON SONNY He comes alert, looks around at Sal, nods, and starts for the door of the bank, turns to Sal. SONNY (gives him gun) They've got my wife. They're bringing her in. He exits bank. Sal walks toward the door, stops behind the first post. EXT. FRONT OF APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY The fire escape with the old lady and her jigsaw puzzle, the flak vested snipers, etc. Below in the street a police car plows through the crowd with red lights flashing but no sirens -- or perhaps just a low growl to help move the human sea aside. People are leaning over trying to see inside. BARBER SHOP Moretti and Sheldon and staff move out into the street. The cop car is moving through police lines, cops lifting barricades aside to let it pass. MOVING SHOT with Moretti and others as they move to intercept the police car where it will stop on the corner. As they stop, we can see Sonny step into the door of the bank, in the distance. He is greeted with CHEERS from the crowd. But is intent on the car. We are NOW SHOOTING ACROSS THE CAR, OVER MORETTI'S BACK TOWARD THE BANK and Sonny. The DRIVER of the police car gets out, with a huge grin on his face and nods to Moretti. The back door opens and another cop gets out, also grinning. They look around toward Sonny, as his wife gets out of the police car, on this side. She is spectacularly good looking in a lithe cruel sort of way, like Lauren Bacall, but right now she is a mess. CUT TO: EXT. BANK as Sonny sees Leon get out of the car. SONNY Leon! Leon! Over here! Happy Birthday, Leon! ON LEON who doesn't hear Sonny calling, the detectives and Moretti start to take him to the barbershop. MORETTI (to cop driver) What's that? COP DRIVER We went to the hospital, where he told us - and asked for his wife. He... (indicates Leon) ...says they got married in a church. MORETTI Jesus! They continue along the sidewalk. Leon, coming to, starts to look around him. He sees Sonny. ON SONNY as he yells again to Leon. SONNY Leon! Happy Birthday! ON LEON who faints. FULL SHOT The crowd yelling in increasing waves of SOUND; Moretti and cops pick up Leon and rush him toward the barbershop. ANGLE ON SONNY who dashes toward the bank door, enters. INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny comes running in. Sylvia is now showing off her new-found expertise with a cigarette to Miriam, Jenny and Deborah, seated around Edna's desk. (Deborah is talking on the phone.) Meanwhile, Edna is back in the Conference Room with Mulvaney; Margaret is seated at her desk, speaking on the phone; Maria, speaking on phone, is seated at Mulvaney's desk - where television is still on. Sonny, wanting to use a phone, realizes that all are in use, rushes to a desk at the front of the bank. Sal follows him there. Sonny grabs a phone. SONNY (into phone) Get me Moretti! INT. BARBERSHOP where Moretti and cops are trying to revive Leon. A cop at the phone turns to Moretti. COP ON PHONE Moretti - he wants to talk to you. Moretti walks over to phone, takes receiver from cop. INT. BANK Sonny waiting for Moretti to answer phone. SONNY Is he all right? Is he all right? MORETTI (V.O.) He's all doped up. SONNY I want to talk to him. MORETTI (V.O.) He's groggy, Sonny. Let me get him on his feet and he'll call you back. (hangs up) INT. BARBERSHOP as Moretti hangs up phone and walks over to Leon, who now has a glass of water and a cold towel. MORETTI Leon? Whatsa matter? They give you a shot down the hospital or what? LEON Oh, God, they shot me with like unreal! MORETTI Well, you got to get hold of yourself. You got to talk to him, tell him to give himself up. LEON Oh no! MORETTI He's got eight people in there with him. He's got this kid with him... they're gonna shoot the people. LEON I can't help it. I can't stop him from anything. MORETTI If he won't listen to you, who will he listen to? LEON He won't listen to anybody. He's been very crazy all summer. Since June he's been trying to kill me. MORETTI You try calling the police? LEON What good is that? They couldn't stop him. And it'd just make him mad. They don't know him. MORETTI Somebody's got to stop him, Leon. LEON He was under great strain: you don't understand, he's a very mixed up person. MORETTI He's makin' threats in there. LEON He's scared. It's crazy. I never met anyone like him. His wife, he's a wonderful father to his children. His mother - you should see her - his mother and father together are like a bad car wreck - he lets it all slide off his back, he sees them, he pays their rent. Unbelievable. I wanted to get married... He didn't really want it... he's married already! But he did it. I don't know why. I thought it would help me, but it didn't. I was just as confused and unhappy was before; I did terrible things. MORETTI What kind of things, Leon? LEON Ten days I spent in Atlantic City - Sonny was frantic - he knew I was drinking; he didn't know where I was... who I was with. I couldn't explain why I did the things I did. So I went to this psychiatrist who explained to me I was a woman in a man's body. So Sonny right away wanted to get me money for a sex change operation: but where was he to get that? 2500 dollars! My God, he's in hock up to his ears already. MORETTI He needed money? For the operation for you? LEON It made him crazy - so much demand, he'd fly into this rages. And I got more depressed than ever; I saw I'd never get the operation. So I tried to take my life - I swallowed about a half pound of pills... blues, reds, yellows, downers, uppers, screamers... you name it. But I just threw them up and wound up in the hospital. Sonny comes there and looks at me and just says: 'Wow!' So when I hear he's in the bank, I almost go crazy because I know he's doin' it for me. MORETTI Well, don't you figure you owe to him to get him out of there? LEON I can't talk to him. MORETTI You're in it up to your ass, Leon. You're an accessory. You talk him out of there and they might be a little more understanding of your case. LEON I'm afraid. MORETTI How is he gonna hurt you on the telephone? LEON I don't know what to say to him. I can't. MORETTI You think it over, Leon. Moretti walks over to the wall phone, picks up the receiver, and waits to be connected with the bank and Sonny. ON LEON Terrified. He really can't do it. ON MORETTI waiting. OMITTED INT. BANK - TURNING DARK NOW as the phone rings. Sonny picks it up, hears Moretti's voice. MORETTI (V.O.) He won't talk to you. Let me work on it. Sonny hangs up. He and Sal walk toward the group at the rear, around the desks. ANGLE ON TELEVISION SCREEN as we see TV newsman speaking. TV NEWSMAN ...police are questioning Leon, a year-old admitted homosexual, who claims to have been married to one of the bank robbers in a ceremony last November... [etc.]... During the speech, Sylvia and her group wander toward Mulvaney's desk to listen, as Edna wanders down from the Conference Room, crosses to the set and turns up the volume. ON SONNY pacing back and forth. They all stare at him. Slowly the group shifts to other positions, without a word being said. ANGLE ON TV SCREEN TV NEWSMAN Our coverage of the Brooklyn robbery where two homosexuals are holding hostages for their demands of a helicopter, a jet, and safe passage out of the country... ANGLE ON SONNY AND SAL SAL Sonny, you hear that? SONNY What? SAL They keep sayin' two homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. I want you to stop them saying that. SONNY That's all they're interested in - it's a freak show to them. I can't control it, Sal - let'em say what they want. Forget it. It don't matter. SOUND OF JET SONNY Where's the god-damn jet? They're always flying overhead - going somewhere. OMITTED EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT FBI snipers area at positions, waiting. A small group of men make a last check. A signal is given. They get in their car and drive away. An FBI sniper lights a cigarette and settles down to wait, moving his rifle to a comfortable position. EXT. APARTMENT HOUSE FIRE ESCAPE - NIGHT The old lady dozes over her puzzle. The police agents are being relieved. Light floods the front of the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT (APPROX. 8 P.M.) Sonny paces back and forth (with ad-lib dialogue to group). Margaret, seated at her desk, has feet up on another chair while Jenny sits on top of her desk. Mulvaney is back at water cooler, starting to feel very ill. Miriam and Deborah are seated at Mulvaney's desk. Edna is seated at her desk, while Sylvia sits on top of desk, talking on phone. Suddenly, the lights go out, leaving only emergency lights on (4 in the main area and 2 at back door area). Sylvia immediately moves over toward the vault area and turns on 2 hand lamps. SAL That's it, Sonny. Both rush toward the front of the bank. They see that even the flood lights are now out, but across the street can still be seen lights in the store windows. Sonny rushes to a near- by phone to try to reach Moretti, but even the phones are dead. They hear Moretti's voice over a bull-horn outside: MORETTI (V.O.) Sonny... Sonny... Come out a minute... Come out a minute... Sonny moves toward the front door. INT. BARBERSHOP - DUSK/NIGHT Moretti and Sheldon are in the barbershop. SHELDON We're all set at Kennedy. MORETTI What makes you think you'll be able to control it? SHELDON He's totally unstable. He'll make a mistake. MORETTI He hasn't so far. I'm the one who can make a mistake. That's what scares the shit out of me. SHELDON Eugene, at 3:07, this became Federal. Why don't I take it over now? CUT TO: EXT. BANK - NIGHT as the door opens and Sonny peeks out, the once-illuminating floodlights now out. SONNY Moretti? What the fuck is goin' on? There's no answer. Sonny steps out into the street. He can't see anything anymore. The atmosphere is suddenly chillingly dangerous: the crowd SHOTS "come out of the dark" and "we can't see from here". The street seems empty except for a few threatening silhouettes of heavily-armed cops. Sonny responds with bluster. SONNY Get the lights back on! He steps out farther into the street. From behind him, SHELDON, the FBI man, approaches. He is alone. Unsmiling. Sonny dashes back into the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny rushes in, warns Sal about the FBI confrontation he's about to have. SONNY Sal - it's the FBI... I'm goin' back out to talk to him. At this, he walks back toward the door and exits the bank again. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sheldon is walking toward Sonny as the latter exits the bank. SONNY What is this? The FBI? Jesus, now we're talkin', maybe we can get this thing moving. As Sheldon reaches him. SONNY First off, get the lights back on and the air conditioning. SHELDON (showing ID) No more favors. That's all over, Sonny. SONNY (sarcastically) Aw, Jesus... you been doin' us favors all night! SHELDON I've got a jet. I'll have airport limousine here in a half hour. I want the hostages. SONNY Bullshit! SHELDON I'd like to work with you on this, not against you. Sonny comes around, looking for Moretti: can't see him. SONNY Well, Jesus, these hostages are keeping me alive. SHELDON Okay, when do I get them? SONNY At the airport. We get on the plane, check it out, and if it's all okay we'll send them out. Except one. SHELDON I want them all. SONNY I want to talk to Leon. Pause, while Sheldon thinks this over. SHELDON I want to come in, and see if everybody's okay. SONNY You got guts. You think if Sal and me have cut their throats we're gonna let you out? SHELDON I have to see. Sonny re-enters bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny goes over to Sal. SONNY It's the FBI. He wants to come in. SAL Have him walk in backwards. Sonny exits bank. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny crosses to Sheldon, grins, grabs him and executes a very professional-looking pat-down search. He removes Sheldon's .38 from a shoulder holster, producing it for the crowd with a flourish like a magician: some of the old playfulness returns for a moment. He carefully and with showbiz flourishes searches Sheldon's thighs and groin. The crowd HOWLS. Sheldon bears it with stoic calm. CLOSE TWO SHOT as Sonny stands up from the search and finds Sheldon's eyes locked to his with flat calm. SONNY Jesus, you'd like to kill me, too. SHELDON I wouldn't like to, but I will, if I have to. SONNY Nothin' personal, huh? The man that kills me, I want him to do it because he hates my guts. Not because it's a job. Okay, let's go... but you gotta walk in backwards. The move toward the door of the bank, where Sonny opens the door, preceding Sheldon, both men entering backwards. INT. BANK - NIGHT Except for the 4 emergency lights, it is very dark - and very hot as Sonny and Sheldon enter the bank. Sal now stands behind the desks, covering Sheldon and the group assembled at the vault. Sheldon takes in every detail as he walks toward the group in the rear, followed closely and covered by Sonny. As they near the desks, Sonny yells out an order for the group: SONNY Nobody give their right name... it's the FBI! SHELDON I just want to see all you young ladies are all all right in here. TWO SHOT - SYLVIA AND SAL She's pissed. SYLVIA Listen, we asked for the jet hours ago, what are you doin' out there? Sheldon is watching Sal, trying to gauge him. This is the first time anyone from outside has seen Sal. SHELDON (his eyes on Sal) It's all being set up, we'll have you out of here in a couple of hours. SYLVIA (to Sheldon) Just give them what they want. Sheldon now walks closer to group, looking into the two small examining rooms as he moves. Sonny covers him every inch of the way. SHELDON They're getting what they want. We just want to be sure we get what we want, which is to get all you ladies out safe. And you two boys, too. Sheldon is now standing very close to Sal. SAL (to Sheldon) You got to talk to the TV, tell them to stop talking about the two homosexuals. I'm not gay... that's the truth. Tell 'em that. SHELDON I will. (he turns to Sonny) Sonny? Outside for a minute? SONNY Sal? SAL They gotta stop sayin' that. EXT. BANK - NIGHT as they (Sheldon and Sonny) exit and stand in the doorway out of earshot of the others. Sheldon is matter-of-fact, but insinuating and conspiratorial. SHELDON Sonny, you handled yourself real well. A lot of men would have choked, and we'd have a lot of chaos and panic and maybe a death or a multiple death on our hands, but you handled it. I respect that. Don't you try to take Sal. We'll handle him. You just sit tight and you won't get hurt. He starts to go. Sonny grabs him. SONNY Wait a minute! What the fuck you tryin' to tell me? SHELDON (quiet) What I said. You just sit quiet and we'll handle Sal. And he turns and starts to walk away, leaving Sonny staring after him. INT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT as Sheldon steps into the door. The place is jammed, Moretti stands inside the door where Sonny could not have possibly seen him. Sheldon quietly turns and stands beside him, both men looking back across the street. MORETTI The little bastard miss me? Sheldon smiles the supercilious Ehrlichman smile of his. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny re-enters. He's restless, hyperactive, constantly moving during this scene; a man with a potentially guilty conscience. Sal moves toward him and both men walk to area in front of the Tellers' cages. SAL What'd he say? SONNY He was talkin' about arrangements... we were talkin' about the TV. SAL Why couldn't he talk about that here? SONNY He was showin' me how the airport bus is comin' in, like that, Sal. (notices Mulvaney start to faint) What's wrong with him? In the rear, Mulvaney slumps into a chair beside Margaret's desk. Sylvia rushes to help him, untying his tie, etc. Maria runs into the Conference room, hoping to find remains of sugar as Deborah crosses to his desk, looking through the drawers for medication. Jenny simply can't cope with it and walks away. SONNY Hey, you okay? SYLVIA He's got diabetes. He's not a well person. SONNY Those bastards -- they poisoned the pizza! Sal - you didn't eat any pizza!? MULVANEY I didn't eat any pizza. SYLVIA I told you, he's got diabetes. SONNY You're supposed to balance your sugar diet, right? Sonny starts to move toward the front door. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny rushes outside. SONNY Hey! Is there a doctor over there? Get him over here! Come on, on the double! Sheldon and a young DOCTOR appear, concerned... SHELDON What's wrong? SONNY The manager, he's diabetic, he's lookin' bad. Sheldon turns, calls out. SHELDON Doctor... A man comes forward - is frisked by Sonny, who then dumps contents of his Black Bag and looks for weapons. Sonny then dashes inside bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny comes in, walks over to Sal. SONNY Sal - the Doctor's coming in. Sonny then rushes back outside bank again. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny crosses to Doctor. SONNY (to Doctor) You go on in... The Doctor hustles past. HOLD on Sheldon. SHELDON (picks up the phone) I've convinced Leon to talk to you. He's on the phone now. Sonny rushes back into Bank. INT. BANK Sonny rushes in. The phone rings. He picks it up. SONNY Hello. Hello, Leon. LEON Hello, Sonny. SONNY How are you doing? LEON Well... I'm out of the hospital. SONNY (pleased) Yeah. You said... I thought you were never getting out? LEON I never thought I'd get out this way. I'll tell you. SONNY Well... huh... LEON Ooohh... SONNY Oh... huh... how you feeling? LEON I'm really shakey. SONNY Well, you know... Moretti told me before that you were drugged up. LEON Yeah. It was terrible. SONNY That... huh... they just shoot you with drugs. LEON You come in and they say, right away, that you are crazy. And they start putting things in your arm... you know. How do they expect you to get uncrazy if you're asleep all the time? SONNY Yeah... LEON You can't talk or do anything. You really feel... you know... I'm just sort of coming out of it now. SONNY (pensive) So... that sure is something. LEON Yeah. So how are you? SONNY (chuckling) Fine, thank you. I'm in trouble. That is... now I am! LEON (chuckling) Yeah... I know. SONNY I don't know what I'm gonna do... you know. Boy... I'm dying. LEON What? What are you talking about? You are dying? Did you ever listen to yourself when you say that? SONNY What are you talking about? LEON What do you mean... what am I talking about? Do you realize that you say that to me every day of your life? I am dying. Do you know... do you realize the death that you are spreading around to the people who are around you? SONNY Now don't give me that deep shit now. Don't start with that shit. LEON No really... I don't think that you realize what it means. The things that you do, Sonny. You put a gun to somebody's head... SONNY I don't know what I'm doing. LEON (annoyed) Yeah... obviously you don't... when you put a gun to somebody's head... and you say go to sleep so that it won't hurt when I pull the trigger. Death? Don't talk about death to me. I have been living with death for the last six months. Why do you think I'm in the hospital? I take a handful of pills to get away from you. And then here I am out of the hospital talking to you on the phone... again. I have no friends left. No job. I can't live. I have to live with people. This death business... I'm sorry! SONNY I'm not on the phone to talk to you about that. Well, I don't know what to say, Leon. When you gimme that... when you hit me with that shit. I mean, what am I supposed to say? LEON (indifferent to Sonny) I'm sorry... SONNY I told you. That I got a lot of pressures. You said to me that you needed money, and I knew that you needed money! I saw you there lying in the hospital like that... and I said... shit, man, I got to get this guy some money. LEON (excited) But I didn't ask you to go rob a bank. SONNY (getting louder) All right. I know you didn't ask me. You didn't ask me but I did it. LEON Well... SONNY I did it on my own. I did this all on my own. I ain't laying it on anybody. Nothing on anybody. I'll tell you something, though, it's about time that I squared away my accounts... you know. I am squaring away my accounts with life. Maybe this whole thing is gonna end, somehow. Maybe it'll just end! Maybe I'll just close my eyes and the whole fucken thing will be over. That would be all right too! I said... I thought I would square it away with you... you know? That I would get you down here and that I would say so long to you... or, if you wanted... you know, to take a trip... LEON What trip? SONNY I'm getting out of here, man. I'm not going to stay here and I'm not giving up. I mean, huh, they're going to kill me, anyway. So fuck it! But, if I can get out of this... I am going to get out. And, how I'm going to do it is to get a jet out of here and I'm flying the fuck out... That's all, Leon. If you want to come with me, then you're entitled... you can come. You're free to do what you want. LEON I'm free to do what I want? And you think I would want to go with you some place on a plane? Where? Where ya going? SONNY I gotta jet coming here and we're gonna try to get the fuck outta this thing. And we're gonna go, man! LEON You're crazy. SONNY That's it. LEON You're really crazy. SONNY I know! LEON Where you gonna go? SONNY Who the fuck knows? I think we're gonna go... we worked it out to Algeria. So, I don't know. So I'll go to Algeria. LEON Why you going to Algeria? SONNY Huh... I don't know. They got Howard Johnson's there. I don't know why the fuck I'm going there for. LEON Howard Johnson's... you're warped. You know that? You're really warped! SONNY I know that. I'm warped... I'm warped! LEON (stuttering) God, Algeria! Do you know there's a bunch of... they walk around there... God! People walk around with masks and things on their heads. They're a bunch of crazy people there. SONNY What am I supposed to do? LEON (bitchy) I don't know... you could have picked a better place. SONNY Denmark? Sweden? LEON (pleased) I like that... yeah! SONNY Sal wanted to go to Wyoming. I told him it wasn't a country. We gotta get outta the country! To hell with a guy who doesn't know where Wyoming is. Okay. Can you imagine what kind of a shape I'm in? Laughter from both Sonny and Leon. LEON So! Sal is with you? SONNY Sal? Yeah... Sal is with me. LEON Oh... wow! Sonny, you're really into one mess now. SONNY I know I am. I know! LEON (making fun of Sonny) Sal... Sal... Naturale, oh boy! SONNY He ain't going out. And if I go out he's just gonna kill the people. There's a lot of lives that I'm responsible for... that's all. So, I can't do anything. I got myself into this mess and I'll get myself out of it... the best way I know how! One of the ways is not giving up. I'm telling ya! LEON Would you do something for me? Please? SONNY What? LEON These guys that got me down here, you know, huh... they think that I'm part of this whole thing. They think I'm part of the plot to rob the bank! SONNY How did they think that? What are they... crazy? What do you mean. That's bullshit, Leon. They're giving you a fucken story. LEON Well... they told me that I was an accomplice... SONNY Oh... they're fucken crazy. That's a snow job. Don't listen to that shit! LEON I gotta listen to it if they think... SONNY Shit... LEON I can't survive in prison, Sonny... SONNY All right. Then what do you want me to say? LEON Sonny, would you please just tell them... please... SONNY Where are they now? Just tell me... are they on the phone now? LEON (meekly) Yeah. SONNY (annoyed) That's great. Just terrific. You talk to me with them on the phone, right? That is really smart. And, you don't tell me? LEON I don't have a choice. SONNY You don't have a choice? LEON No! They're standing all around me. Seven thousand fucken cops... all around me. SONNY Look... who's on the phone? LEON Look... don't throw that on me. SONNY Who's on the phone, now? What do you mean... throw it on you? You knew it, right? LEON Yeah... I knew it. But, what choice do I have? I'm in the hospital; they drag me out of the hospital... bring me down here... SONNY All right, enough! Who the fuck is on the phone... anyway? Is that you Moretti? (angrily into phone) You on the phone? Will somebody talk to me? LEON They won't talk to you. SONNY Are they on the phone still? LEON Yeah... yeah! SONNY (still angry) All right! He didn't do it. All right? Now... would you get the fuck off the phone? I'll bet that really changed them, huh? (calmly to Leon) Anyway, Leon... did I do it for you? LEON Yeah... huh, thank you. I'm going to go back, Sonny, to the hospital. They're really nice people. They're really trying to help me. SONNY That's good then. You've found something. LEON Well... I don't know if I have or not. SONNY Do you still want the operation? LEON (moody) Yeah... yeah. SONNY Well, then... LEON It's my only chance! SONNY I don't know what to say to ya! I guess I just wanted to say I'll see ya... or whatever. LEON Thank you much... and huh, bon voyage. SONNY Right. See you sometime. LEON Yeah... see ya in my dreams, huh? SONNY Yeah... I'll write a song. Ha, ha. I don't know. Life is funny! LEON You said a mouthful... sweetheart! INT. BANK Sonny hangs up, walks back toward rear of bank and picks up receiver again on Edna's desk. SONNY (into phone) You cut off incoming, gimme a line. I want to talk to my wife, I want to say goodbye to my kids. (line is connected, he begins to dial; anguished; to the group) Here I am, I could call, and they'd put anybody on the phone, the Pope, an astronaut, the wisest of the wise and who do I have to call? (to phone; as she answers) Heidi? HEIDI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The TV is on, the kids up and racing around, neighbors pouring beer -- An event! HEIDI (on phone; excited) Hey, Sonny! I'm watchin' it on TV! ON SONNY SONNY What about the kids? ON HEIDI HEIDI They don't know, I sent them to the neighbors. Sonny, Jesus, it's not like you. I can't believe, because you never hurt anybody since the day I knew you. ON SONNY SONNY Heidi, I'm dying. ON HEIDI HEIDI (oblivious) I blame myself, Sonny. I notice you been tense, like something is happening; the night before last you're yellin' at the kids like a madman, believe me. And then you wanted me to go on this ride with the kids, this caterpillar about from here to there - fulla one-year- old kids. It's ridiculous. I'm not about to go on this ride, so you yell right there, 'You pig, get on the fuckin' ride!' Well, everything fell outta - me - my heart, my liver fell to the floor - you name it! Yellin' at me in front of all those people. Because you never talked and I never been scared of you, never. I think: he's gonna shoot me and dump my body in the river. ON SONNY SONNY Heidi, for Christ sake, shut up! Will you shut your fucking mouth and listen?! ON HEIDI HEIDI (afraid) See? You're screaming with the language and all! A person can't communicate with you. You become a stranger in your own home... ON SONNY he sits, dispiritedly listening to this rap: seeing her in a clear and unambiguous light as before he saw Leon: what a waste to live in the company of people like this! ON HEIDI HEIDI ...because you hurt me, God how you hurt me. Can you imagine, marrying another man? Did I do something to make you do that? Did I ever turn you down, or anything? The only thing I couldn't do, you're gonna laugh, is go on top - I got this fear of high places! (giggles) And I let myself get fat. ON SONNY SONNY Don't call yourself fat. ON HEIDI HEIDI I know you can't stand me to say I'm fat. Like I can't stand you being a bank robber. I guess that's what love is -- huh, Sonny? ON SONNY SONNY (weakly) Heidi - why didn't you come down here? ON HEIDI HEIDI Jesus - what - I'm afraid - I'm gonna get shot or whatever. You oughta see it on TV, the guns, the cops, they got cannon, machine guns, they're loaded with gear. ON SONNY SONNY They're not after you, they're after me. ON HEIDI HEIDI Listen, it's late already when I realize it's not just a couple of ordinary faggots, it's just you and Sal. I couldn't get a baby sitter. Heidi goes on and on, but Sonny just drops the phone on the hook. As he walks toward the rear of the bank, Sylvia, seated atop Margaret's desk, gets off and follows Sonny toward the Conference room. At the same time, Edna is lifting Margaret's feet up onto a chair and Jenny and Deborah start to walk toward the Conference room, too. Maria paces back and forth, transistor to her ear. Sonny walks into the Conference room. The doctor is through examining Mulvaney. Miriam is seated across the table from him. DOCTOR Listen - I think I better take him back for a cardiac check ... Mulvaney waves, protesting. He's had a shot; he's rapidly recovering. SONNY SONNY Anything... what's wrong? Is he gonna die? DOCTOR No, I just think... MULVANEY I'm okay... I'm okay... SONNY You know more than the Doctor? You're not okay, look at you. Come on... (to Doctor) ...let's get him out... MULVANEY I'm not going. I'm okay. As Sonny grabs him to try to help him up, Mulvaney wrenches away. A little physical here. SONNY Hey! I'm tryin' to help you. MULVANEY I stay here. Damn it. I just needed the insulin. I'm used to it. Go on. Go on. SONNY (to Doctor) You tell me. Is he endangering his health, because if you tell me he is, I'll get him out. MULVANEY I'll be God damned if you will. SONNY Oh, Jesus! You want to be a martyr or a hero or what? Maria and Miriam dance to transistor's music. Edna walks into Conference Room to tidy up. Sal is still sitting there. Deborah tries to comfort Jenny. MULVANEY I don't wanta be either, I just want to be left alone. You understand that? I wish the fuck you never came in my bank, that's all, don't try to act like you're some angel of human kindness! (he crosses toward Tellers' cages to start straightening up) Sonny nods, staring at him. As Doctor moves toward front door Sonny walks with him. Grabs marked bills and stuffs them into the Doctor's pocket... SONNY Here, my man. Whattayou get for a house call? As Doctor tries to wave it away: SONNY (continuing) No, no! I want a top specialist for my friend, I expect to pay top money. He's hustled him to the door, where he ushers him out door. OMITTED EXT. BANK (HIS POV) - A BANNER - NEW ANGLE [1ST GAY DEMO] hastily made, about 40 feet long, being raised above the heads of crowd to where Sonny can see it. We can't read it until it's all the way up. Then is reads: WE LOVE YOU LOVE YOU SONNY As the crowd reads it, fist fights break out and it totters and staggers, but the defenders fight bravely... They are ordinary looking people -- not freaks... ON SONNY looking at it, at them with mixed feelings. ON SHELDON standing across the street looking at him. Sheldon indicates his watch. Holds up ten fingers: "ten minutes"... ON SONNY He turns into the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny comes back into bank, his face mad with pain. He walks over to Sylvia, standing at open gate of Tellers' Cages, and brings out a wallet with pictures for her to see. She takes it, smiles. SONNY My kids... Kimmy and Jimmy. SYLVIA They're beautiful... She looks over toward Mulvaney, now behind the Tellers' Cages, trying to tidy up, and walks over to show him the pictures. Sonny stands on the other side of the cages. SONNY (as Mulvaney looks at pictures) I'll never see them again, Mister Mulvaney. MULVANEY They look like good kids. SONNY They're like any others but they're special to me. You got kids? You told me; you got two. MULVANEY Special to me, too. SONNY You like me? MULVANEY Sure - we like you. SONNY No you don't. MULVANEY You seem like a likable enough guy. It's hard to judge. Sonny walks back toward Sal, who is seated in Conference Room. SONNY Hey, Sal... How you doin'? SAL Okay. Sonny crosses back downstage again to Mulvaney and Sylvia. SONNY (referring to Sal) You know, I don't know him very well - but he's not gay... and he's not going back to prison... One time when he was in prison, they gang- banged him; 13 years old and eight guys gave it to him... So Sal isn't goin' back to prison, no way. MULVANEY I'm sorry. SONNY You know... I like you people... I really do. MULVANEY We like you, too. SONNY You know - I had a job once. I used to work in a bank. I had been training... I used to have a boss... Mr. Don Frio... he wore a toupee... I wonder if you'd hire me if I came in here and asked you for a job... MULVANEY Would I hire you? SONNY Yeah. MULVANEY Why not? SONNY (grinning) I don't think so. Sonny walks back toward Sal. SONNY I told you -- they're sending a jet. It's all worked out... But doubt hangs in the air like a pall... CLOSEUP - SAL looking at him. Implacable. This tension between them over the question of Sonny's loyalty must be kept constantly alive with CUTS and looks, over dialogue... SYLVIA & MULVANEY SYLVIA Somebody give me another cigarette. Sal turns to look at her reproachfully. ON SYLVIA SYLVIA I wish somebody would tell me I'm gonna live long enough for it to be a habit. My parent, she'll be okay. My husband, he'll be okay. I even know who the bum is gonna marry. Terrific. She'll take good care of him. MULVANEY Girls, I wanta apologize. For my language back there. Embarrassed, he walks toward the rest of group in the rear, stands by Edna's desk. MULVANEY Ladies... I want to apologize for my language back there. (he walks over to his desk, sits down) Sonny exits Conference Room and moves downstage. SYLVIA (amazed) What'd you say? I didn't hear you say anything. They think for a moment. JENNY He said the 'F' word. They stare at her incredulously. Someone giggles. EDNA What? JENNY The 'F' word. He did. He said the 'F' word. Edna crosses to her desk - disgusted - and starts to tidy up. The giggle catches the edge of their panic and anxiety and sweeps them into uncontrollable giggles and laughter: Sonny roars. Sal and Edna alone remain unsmiling. After a few seconds they force themselves to stop, to behave like they should under the circumstances. They are gasping and crying. Then... SONNY What's so funny? EDNA Well, I'm a Christian, and my ears are not garbage cans. It sets them off again. They howl and giggle and laugh. Until at last they run down again. At this point, Sal rushes out of Conference Room. SAL Who's that? He has seen something in the middle of the street, and now... NEW ANGLE as they all turn to look out through the door. THEIR POV Backlighted by the floodlights in the middle of street escorted by Sheldon, stands a figure, dumpy and gray, tentatively waving, a figure that bends over baby carriages in the park, picks beans one by one out of supermarket bins, lip reads get-well cards in pharmacies. They hear Sheldon, outside, on bullhorn: SHELDON (V.O.) Sonny! Could you come out, please? Could you come out, please? SONNY It's my mother. Who needs this shit? But as a dutiful son he starts for the front of the bank. EXT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny walks to his MOTHER. Baker tactfully moves away, leaving the two of them in the center of the floodlighted street. Again the crowd can be HEARD but not seen; armed police fringe the lights and shadows, in B.G. SONNY What do you want here, Ma? You could of watched it on TV. VI My God, Sonny - you oughtta see - - Alla Brooklyn is here! On all 3 networks! SONNY Mom - I got it all worked out; it's over. The best thing is you go home. Watch it on TV. VI I talked to the FBI, I told them about you, they said if you just come outta the bank it's gonna be okay. SONNY You did what? Who did you talk to? What for? VI Well, I'm only trying to get you outta this. I told them you were in Vietnam, you always had good jobs, you were with Goldwater at the '64 convention, but you had marital problems... SONNY Oh my God, mother! VI I said you were never a faggot. SONNY Don't talk to them anymore. Sal and me are getting a jet, we're going to Algeria - I'll write you from there. VI He was very understanding - you ought to talk to him... Algeria? SONNY We can't stay here. VI Oh my God! I don't understand. If you needed money, why couldn't you come to me? Everything I got is yours. I got two hundred and maybe twenty-five in the savings. It's yours. You know it. Sonny abruptly realizes he is getting sidetracked by Mom - like always. Tries to get it back again. SONNY Mom - they're sending a bus to take us to the airport. You understand? If you're here - they're not gonna send it. They'll think I'm gonna come out with you. VI What's wrong with that? The FBI was very understanding when I explained it to him. Everybody knows it isn't you... It's the pressures from your home life. SONNY For God's sake don't start in on Heidi again... VI Did I say a thing against her? God forbid I should say anything against that fat cunt. SONNY Mom. Mom. There are some things a mother shouldn't say in front of her son. VI If she comes down here, so help me I'm gonna mash her brains in. Everything in your life was sunlight and roses until you met her. Since then, forget it. SONNY She doesn't have anything to do with it! You understand that? Mother? This is me! VI I know you wouldn't need Leon if Heidi was treating you right. The thing I don't understand is why you come out and sleep with Heidi anyway? You got two kids on welfare now. What're you goin' to bed with her, you don't have enough with one wife and two kids on welfare, you want a wife and three kids on welfare? SONNY (this is old stuff) Not now, Mom, please. VI What'll you do? Come out. SONNY (patiently - I told you a hundred times) I can't, Mom. If I come out Sal will kill them. VI Oh. (she thinks for a moment) Run. SONNY What the hell for? Twenty-five years in the pen? VI Maybe... SONNY Maybe! Aw Christ, what dreams you live on! Maybe what? She stares at him. He talks slowly and carefully to her. SONNY I'm a fuckup and an outcast. There isn't one single person in my life I haven't hurt through my love. You understand that? I'm the most dangerous person in the world, because if I love you, watch out, you're gonna get fucked, fucked over and fucked out! VI No! SONNY Did Pop come down? VI No. This really pissed him off, Sonny. He says you're dead. He says he doesn't have a son. SONNY He's right. You shoulda done what he did. Go home. (embraces her) Don't talk to the FBI anymore. He walks away and moves toward the bank door. ON VI Her desperate smile, apologetic and false at the same time, glistens with a mother's tears. After a long beat: VI I remember how beautiful you were. As a baby you were so beautiful. We had such hopes. INT. BANK - CLOSE ON DOOR - NIGHT as Sonny enters and stops, controlling his emotions. He walks toward Mulvaney, who is putting visitor's chair back into position, then waters his plant. Maria and Miriam are still dancing; Margaret is at her desk; Sal, Jenny and Deborah are in the Conference Room; Sylvia is still behind Tellers' Cages. SONNY Mister Mulvaney? MULVANEY Yeah? SONNY Are you a lawyer? MULVANEY No. I had some legal training, but... SONNY I want to dictate my will. I need a notary? SYLVIA I'm a notary. She leaves Tellers' Cages area, crosses to Sonny, grabbing a pen from Edna's desk on the way. Sonny's urgent mood reaches them. Sylvia gets note pad from Mulvaney. Takes the dictation... SONNY Being of sound mind and body, and all that shit... Sylvia nods: got it. SONNY To my darling wife Leon whom I love as no other man has loved another man in all eternity, I leave $2,700 from my $10,000 life insurance policy, to be used for your sex change operation. If there is money left over it is to go to you on the first anniversary of my death, at my grave. I expect you to be a real woman then, and your life full of happiness and joy. To my sweet wife, Heidi, five thousand from the same policy. You are the only woman I have ever loved, and I re-pledge my love to you in this sad moment, and to little Kimmy and Jimmy. I hope you remember me, Jimmy. You are the little man of the family now, and will have to look after them for me. To my mother I ask forgiveness. You don't understand the things I did and said, but I'm me, and I'm different. I leave you, the rest of the policy and my stamp collection. I want a military funeral and am entitled to one free of charge. Life and love are not easy and we have to bend a lot. I hope you find the places and the people to make you all happy as I could not. God bless you and watch over you, as I shall, until we are joined in the hereafter, sweet Leon, my Heidi, dearest Kimmy and Jimmy, and my mother. Sonny... here I'll spell the last name... He sits and writes it for Sylvia. SONNY Type that up and I'll sign it. Nobody says anything about this document. What is there to say? Sylvia walks to her desk at the front of the bank, near the window, and begins typing. EXT. BANK - VARIOUS ANGLES - NIGHT The restless crowd STIRS, sensing something happening. Turning to see something coming. APARTMENT FIRE ESCAPE The Cops gear up their weapons: radios CRACKLE. Something, a vehicle, is moving through the crowd, Cops shoving people aside to let it through. The Old Lady pays no attention. She is down to one of the very last pieces of the puzzle and is searching for the spot for it. LOW ANGLE IN CLEAR PLACE IN FRONT OF BANK as the vehicle clears the crowd and slowly draws up in front. It is a long airport limousine of the type with many doors. It stops. Everyone's attention is on it. A black DRIVER gets out, a gay Afro knit on his head, coke dealer's shades, for the cognoscenti, one very long little finger nail, a nifty Van Dyke style beard and one gold front tooth. He looks around, holding a sheet of paper. Sheldon, others, approach. They are looking into the vehicles, opening doors, checking tires, etc. DOOR OF BANK Sonny appears. He strides to the limo. SONNY Okay. Get away from it. After a moment the Cops all move back. Sonny opens the front door and begins to check it out. The Driver starts to move away... SONNY These seats come out? DRIVER Yeah. INT. LIMO - CLOSE - SONNY AND DRIVER Together they remove the seat so Sonny can check for guns concealed below, etc. Improvise to fit conditions of the car. DRIVER (dawning on him) Jesus, you're the man! SONNY Come on, what's under this? They pry up a seat and look under, etc., all through: DRIVER I was lookin' at it. I saw you, man! Jesus! You oughta see yourself! You wouldn't believe it. SONNY Yes, I would. DRIVER God damn it, Sheila isn't gonna believe it. They just call in and say gas up a stretchout and get it down to (address in Brooklyn) and I say, 'shit, another load of Elks for the massage parlors.' SONNY (finished) Okay. Driver stands up, getting a good look at Sonny. DRIVER Well, by God I'm gonna remember you! And he turns and walks away. Driver stops, uncertainly. Cops grab him to hustle him away. Sheldon steps forward with a neat twenty-years-younger carbon copy of himself... SHELDON Here's your driver, this is agent Murphy. NEW ANGLE Sonny and Murphy. Sonny eyes Murphy, thinks, then begins to frisk Murphy. He finds nothing. He stands up and eyes Murphy. He just doesn't like it. SONNY I don't want him. SHELDON What can he do, he's clean... SONNY Gimme the black guy... The Driver is still close enough to hear... DRIVER Aw, hey... SONNY (overlapping everybody) Come on, nobody's gonna get hurt. If they were gonna shoot, they'd shoot now. SHELDON I can't allow that, Sonny... SONNY You can't allow! I'm running this thing, what gives you the idea you can say shit? (to Driver) Come on. I'll pay you. Whatta you want? Two hundred? A thousand? The Driver looks around desperately to the FBI, to get him out of this. SONNY Don't look at him. I'm running this. Pause. Sheldon finally reluctantly nods. Sonny motions for him (the Driver) to step forward. Before he can get in the car, Sonny stops him. Signals to him to get ready. Gives him a thorough pat search. Thighs, the whole bit. CLOSE ANGLES AS HE SEARCHES It is tense. The Driver seems uptight. Sonny finds nothing until he touches a breast pocket. The Driver is very uptight. Sonny reaches in, pulls out a -- tiny bottle, with a coke spoon chained to the lid. Before Sheldon can see it, but the audience has, Sonny shoves it back, grins, slaps the Driver on the buns. The Driver laughs delightedly. He was afraid he'd get busted for the dope: the drive will be a cakewalk. SONNY You'll be okay. DRIVER (to FBI) You men shoot, aim for the white meat! He loves the joke! They act as though they hadn't heard. Sonny slaps him playfully on the arm and smiling turns to Sheldon. SONNY I want him. He points at Murphy. Sheldon stands there speechless. Driver stares at Sonny, his smile fading. SONNY (delighted) What do you think you're dealing with, an idiot! Sheldon nods to Driver and Murphy. Murphy resumes role as driver of the limo. Driver gets out. SONNY So long, copper. SONNY AND MURPHY as they position the stretchout in front of the bank. It can be seen from inside. The FBI men stand well back from it. Murphy stands by the door. He also can be seen. SHELDON Okay, Sonny? You follow my car. Murphy nods. Sonny is satisfied and turns to the bank, takes Murphy into vestibule, indicating for him to stay there. Sonny continues toward group at rear. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sylvia is finishing her typing. The girls and Mulvaney are slowly getting ready. Deborah is getting her purse out of Margaret's desk drawer; Margaret gathering her own purse, books, etc.; Jenny is getting her purse from Edna's desk as Edna gathers up her belongings; Mulvaney is seated at his desk; Miriam is at her desk, by the front door. Sal stands with his gun ready. [As Sonny enters and takes up his gun, Sal carefully and methodically begins to redress himself, comb his rumpled hair, knotting his tie carefully...] ANGLES FAVORING SAL as he rebuilds his sartorial image before the various reflecting surfaces of the bank, knotting his tie in a glass partition, checking his suit for wrinkles in a glass door, etc. Meanwhile we are seeing the following, which Sal ignores: SONNY ENTERING SONNY Hey, let's get ready! SYLVIA (gets up, walks to Sonny) Sonny - Here's your document. ON SONNY looking at the will, taking up pen. ON SYLVIA, MULVANEY watching him with compassion. INSERT Sonny signs fast and firmly... INSERT Sylvia's notary seal clamps and imprints the paper. LOW CLOSE ANGLE - SONNY SONNY Okay, okay, okay! What a bunch of cold fish. It's an adventure! Everybody's gonna remember you the rest of your lives, the day you got held up and kidnapped... hey! His eye has struck some reminder. They handle this. SONNY You got Bank Americard? MULVANEY (tired) What now, Sonny? SONNY (gathers money from near-by money bag) Listen, I owe a couple hundred dollars! I don't wanta leave owing anybody anything! A clean slate, a new leaf... He plunks his card down before Sylvia. SONNY (continuing) I paying off. (money from attached case) Here. Two hundred should do it. They start the action of filing the form and accepting the money... Sonny stops them... SONNY Just give me a receipt. Hey, Sal, you okay? SAL (deep in his hair or tie or?) Okay, Sonny. SONNY All right. (accepts receipt) SYLVIA Here's your document, Sonny. SONNY Yeah - it looks real official. They are ready. A moment in the dark. Sonny holds out the will to Mulvaney. SONNY Hold it for me? Mulvaney takes it. Sonny shakes his hand. Suddenly, emotionally, he embraces Sylvia. Suddenly they are all saying silent goodbyes. Shaking hands all around, formally. Only Sal is left untouched, standing apart, watching them, in the dark. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Everyone waits in silence. The lights. The limo. The Driver waiting in the driver's seat. After a beat the door begins to open. VARIOUS ANGLES as Cops' guns are brought to bear. On the apartment fire escape the Old Lady is asleep, her puzzle complete. The snipers raise their rifles. FRONT OF BARBER SHOP - NIGHT Sheldon stands there. The police radio network CRACKLES: "They're coming out. Perpetrators and hostages together. Only authorized personnel may previously authorized, and etc." Sheldon's eyes go to: HIS POV - SNIPER A middle-aged Man who looks like an overweight accountant, in flak vest and helmet that seems too small, aiming through a telescopic sight at: DOOR OF BANK SONNY (letting Murphy out first; yells outside) Get away from the car! Something that looks like a multi-legged animal emerges. It is Sonny and Sal in the center of a tight group of the girls and Mulvaney, so they are completely protected on all sides by hostages. Over their heads is thrown some drapes from the bank that further prevent the police from drawing a clear head on Sonny or Sal without hitting a girl. In fact they can't be seen at all. This weird apparition appears, hesitates. The crowd YELLS: "SHOOT!" CHOREOGRAPH THE ACTION so the group hesitates, takes a step forward, then it's clear Sonny can't see well enough to go direct to the car, and the girls are uncertain which direction to go in, not having been briefed. So they stumble about, make false starts, and finally arrive at the car, where one girl gets into the second row of seats behind the Driver. Then Sonny slides across next to Driver. VARIOUS ANGLES TO COVER The police have no chance to shoot. The group looks like a bewildered centipede finding its way. Mulvaney detaches himself from the group and slips into the front seat, on Sonny's right. ON EDNA standing alone, outside filled-up limo. Sheldon walks over to Mulvaney's window. SONNY (to Sheldon) Okay - you got your one. SHELDON (to Murphy) You follow my car. (he moves off) Maria gets in the rear-most row of seats. Sal next to her in the middle and then another girl. One woman, Edna, a plain middle-aged woman who has not said a word until now is left over. She stands by the side of the limo as the doors close and this phase of the operation ends, without mishap. SONNY (elated) Fuck! We did it! SYLVIA (to Edna) Goodbye, honey. Wish us luck! Edna pecks out dry little kisses to the nearest girls. ANGLE THROUGH SONNY'S DOOR WINDOW as Edna pecks... goodbye. SONNY I'll be a son of a bitch -- we're all okay! Hey, man! Honk the horn. Let's go! Sal has his gun pointed on back of Driver's head. MURPHY Hey, Sal - do me a favor... point that gun up, huh? We hit a bump and the fuckin' gun'll go off. The Driver honks the HORN: they're ready. The crowd SCREAMS. Cops keep jockeying for position, but there is no way to get a shot in. ON SHELDON No emotion. He steps into his car, a police car pulls up behind, and the procession starts to pull slowly toward the crowd. ON EDNA AND BANK As the limo pulls away, she is bewildered by the rush of police, bank people, FBI men who stream past her, ignoring her, all pouring into the bank. TV crews move by and finally -- one stops to interview her. ON THE CARAVAN being rammed through the jam of Cops and screaming people trying to get a last look. The hostages looking out, wan, worried. Sonny and Sal inside, alert, ready with guns. INT. LIMO - NIGHT MURPHY Sal - please keep that gun pointed up, huh? THEIR POV - MOVING SHOTS from inside the limo. The faces of the poor, the excited, the vicious the curious, and in ONE SHOT some of the people from the Gay Liberation Movement carrying hastily lettered signs: one protesting Sonny: YOU ARE AN INSULT TO YOUR KIND And another: WE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU SONNY! Their scared and wan faces swim past in the mob. Sonny's mother is briefly seen looking out of the barber shop window, alone and forgotten. The Cops stare heavily, sullen with anger. Now the limo is moving faster. People are running alongside, YELLING insults, trying to see in, asking for hand-outs, but they are going faster. Inside, they say nothing. Up ahead, Sheldon's car flashes a red light. Behind, the police car does the same. VARIOUS EXT. AND INT. ANGLES - NIGHT as the procession moves through Brooklyn. MOVING VIEW FROM GROUND A helicopter follows above them. VIEWS IN STREETS They move along, followed by a HONKING parade of kibitzing cars, like a Mexican wedding. ANGLE AT AIRPORT THRUWAY They turn onto the thruway, trying to out-distance the cars tagging along. INT. LIMO Silence. Sonny and Sal hold their rifles ready between their knees. ANGLE N AIRPORT FENCE as they veer off the thruway, a barely seen Guard swings open a gate and they ROAR through. The Guard pushes the gate to, and the following caravan of cars brakes, skids and a pile-up of fender bender accidents begin, cars going into the fence and each other. FULL SHOT - THRUWAY Cars are strewn all around. Doors open and Drivers leap out ready to YELL and do battle. The Cops guard the now closed gate. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT Distant lights, some moving. Total darkness. The FBI car, the limo, the following police car move across the darkness... INT. LIMO - NIGHT They sit quiet, following the FBI car. The FBI car stops. They stop. Silence. SONNY Murphy, can you see what they're doing? MURPHY He's still got some arrangements to make. Sheldon is getting out of the car up ahead. Sonny and Sal and all of them come alert. As Sheldon and the other FBI men get out of their car, a pair of aircraft landing lights become visible, taxiing towards the limo. SONNY There it is, Sal. Sal? SAL I'm here. SONNY Oh, Jesus! Hey. How about food? I forgot to ask to have food on board. Sheldon has been walking down to the limo. He stops beside Mulvaney and KNOCKS on the window. Mulvaney rolls it down. SHELDON That's the jet. You give us one more, now. That's the deal... SONNY Okay. Which one goes? There is silence inside the limo. Mulvaney turns to Sylvia. MULVANEY Sylvia? From a handkerchief, Sylvia draws a slip of paper. SYLVIA It's Maria. Go on, honey. They open the door. They urge her out, and Maria goes with a show of reluctance. ON MARIA As she stands up outside she is revealed to have a rosary she's counting. IMPROVISE goodbyes, tearful and fearful all around. Then: MARIA I pray for your safety... (meaning Sonny and Sal) ...Sal? Because I know it's your first plane trip. Don't be scared, you know? (gives him her rosary) And Maria walks away. Now the plane has taxied into position, where it can be seen in floodlights. It looks big and impressive. We know the FBI has snipers ringing it. SONNY I ain't eaten all day. I just realized it. SHELDON We'll have hamburgers on the plane. You ready? MURPHY (turns to Sal again) Sal, keep it up, huh? The gun - please... CLOSE - SONNY looking at the plane, grasping his money and his gun. The rifle stands straight up between his legs. Sheldon leans down, peering in at him. SONNY What do you think, Sal? You ready to go? ANGLE - SAL in front of Sonny, behind Mulvaney. For the first time he smiles. He realizes that escape is within their grasp. The smile transforms him from a formidable Mafia imitation into an utterly sweet and defenseless youth. SAL (gun pointing high) Hey, Sonny - You did it! CLOSE - SONNY SONNY Let's move it, goddamn it. SHELDON (to Driver) You ready to get out first? DRIVER Yes. Driver starts to turn in the driver's seat! Sheldon brings up his hands to reach through the open window to grab Sonny's rifle barrel, pushes it away, aiming out windshield. Mulvaney sees them beginning their move and starts to duck. Sal begins to see movement out of the corner of his eyes and is barely beginning to react. DRIVER TURNING HAS A GUN OVER THE BACK OF THE SEAT! Sonny sees it, and Sheldon's hand grabbing the barrel of his gun at the same moment. Sheldon drives hard into the side of the limo, reaching in. Mulvaney grabs the girl next to him and pulls her by the hair down toward the floor. Sal, open-mouthed with amazement, is a split-second late bringing his gun up. Driver completes his turn and has his gun leveled at Sal between Miriam and Margaret in middle row. Sheldon grabs his rifle barrel and pulls hard. Sonny lets it go. Sal stares at the gun barrel, trying to get his gun up... Driver FIRES. Mulvaney hits the floor. Sheldon holds Sonny's gun. Sonny, CLOSE, watches. Sal, hit, slams back into the seat; the gun flies upward. Another SHOT hits him, flinging his head back. Driver holds his third shot, turns to Sonny - holds gun to his temple. Sonny looks down so he can see fully as: Sal's head snaps back for a split second and stares directly into Sonny's eyes, upside down. He stares sadly, into Sonny's eyes. As though he knew it all along -- betrayed. And dies. The SHOT is ECHOING. Now SCREAMS, YELLS, SLAMMING doors, panic... Sonny's voice: "Shoot me! For God's sake, shoot me!" FULL SHOT They come pouring out of the limo, scrambling frantically away from it. The limo -- the people fleeing it. Agents pull people away from the car. Driver and Sheldon and Cops peer into the back. Sal's body lies slumped. Driver, Sheldon, other Cops stand about, recovering. No one makes the slightest sort of congratulatory move, it was just another job. Driver clears his weapon, hands it to Sheldon to be filed in case of investigation. ON SYLVIA, MULVANEY, HOSTAGES They hug, cry, laugh, jump up and down: they're alive! SYLVIA (to Mulvaney) I been dying to do this for years! And she kisses him hard in the mouth. He laughs and kisses back... CLOSE - SONNY Tears are beginning to flood past his defenses: SHELDON (V.O.) You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to counsel to be present, during your interrogation. (etc.) His voice is dry, as though he were reciting from memory something he learned in a language he doesn't understand. LAP DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE - LEON - HEAD ON SHOT like a Warhol interview on TV. Segue VOICE TRACK. LEON Well, I don't see how Sonny can survive in prison, he was very loud, very boisterous. He was obnoxious. CLOSE - HEAD SHOT - SONNY being manipulated like so much beef by impersonal FBI agents... LEON (V.O.) He was very hard to live with... HEIDI (V.O.) He made me laugh. EXT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT Remnants of the crowd of sightseers, being interviewed by TV men avid for more, more, more news... these are people among the group that held up the big banner earlier: now we see them up CLOSE. They're folding up their banner. A very ordinary-looking YOUNG GUY. PROUD YOUNG MAN I love him. He put an end to all that pansy limp wristed shit! FBI AND SONNY They're getting off his belt, his shoe laces... HEIDI (V.O.) Because he always had a way of getting out, always in the army he was AWOL... OMITTED BACK TO SONNY manacled and helpless. He is twisted into some yet more uncomfortable position by the uncaring Agents. HEIDI (V.O.) I can't help thinking how he might ring the bell one of these days. That's why I'm nervous, because I'm always thinking some day he's gonna come along and ring the bell... THROUGH THE SHOT Sal's body is carried, Sonny, seeing it out of the corner of his eye. He tries to look... FBI MAN Keep your eyes front. PAULINE NATURILE - BEING INTERVIEWED A faded, rattled woman, perhaps a little drunk... NEWSMAN How did you know your son was involved? PAULINE It was on the TV. NEWSMAN When was the last time you saw Sal? PAULINE Oh, a long time. Because I kept asking my husband where the heck could Junior be? He wasn't around here. I thought maybe he was in prison or some place. NEWSMAN Did you know he was a homosexual? PAULINE No, not until after they killed him. NEWSMAN Did you always call him Junior. PAULINE Yeah. NEWSMAN Do you remember anything else about Sal? PAULINE No, that's all. BACK TO SONNY - AT AIRPORT Sonny isn't even listening... he sees something o.s.: SONNY Hey! NEW ANGLE The hostages moving toward a car to take them home are passing nearby and turn to look at him... SONNY Goodbye! You were terrific! Mouth! You're beautiful! See you! THEIR REACTIONS They stare at him; they've already begun to forget him: the moment in the bank when they said their goodbyes is already receding from their consciousness. Their smiles are forced, and they don't really know what to say. SYLVIA Ah, Sonny! Good luck, you know? MULVANEY You were terrific, too! SYLVIA Hey. It's raining. And, as the first welcome drops of cooling rain fall, they begin to move fast... ON SONNY looking after them. The rain hitting his face... the adventure is over. But the everlasting smile overtakes him... LEON I'm glad. Life is easier with him in prison. HEIDI It would be like always, the bell would ring, we'd have a ball. OMITTED BEGIN TITLE AND CREDITS: SINCE THERE WILL BE NO BEGINNING TITLE OR CREDITS, THE PICTURE LOGO WILL FLASH ON SCREEN NOW, AND END MUSIC UP: AS PACINO'S CREDIT IS SEEN, OVER A STILL OF HIM FROM THE PICTURE: THE FOLLOWING IS SUPERIMPOSED: SONNY IS SERVING TWENTY-FIVE YEARS IN FEDERAL PRISON. AS LEON IS SEEN: LEON IS NOW A WOMAN NAMED LANA. AS HEIDI IS SEEN: HEIDI LIVES WITH HER CHILDREN ON WELFARE. FADE OUT. THE END"DOG DAY AFTERNOON" by Frank Pierson Final Draft FADE IN: EXT. ELECTRIC SIGN It FILLS THE SCREEN (designed to exactly FILL THE FRAME size of whatever ratio we're shooting in). It says: 2:51 This message will be a little cryptic to the movie audience on an essentially BLACK SCREEN. HOLD for a beat, then it changes: the lights flash this sign, which should explain it to everyone: 94° And a slow distant ROLL OF THUNDER in the far distance; now the SOUND of media begin to come up loud, under: EXT. FLATBUSH AVENUE - DAY LONG SHOT down the Avenue, 400 mm lens, heat waves shimmering, thousands of old people, and people with children in strollers moving restlessly about in the heat on those endless miles of benches. The SHOT is ON SCREEN only for a beat or two, then gone... SOUND TRACK COMES FROM A THOUSAND TRANSISTOR RADIOS, TV SETS, AUTO RADIOS, BLENDED IN THE OPEN AIR... RADIO ANNOUNCER 1 (V.O.) ...the situation continued tense in the Middle East today, as... EXT. SHEA STADIUM (TV CLIP) - DAY An unnamed player swings and hits a high pop up... ANNOUNCER 2 (V.O.) ...hits a high inside pitch foul into the upper stands... ANGLE ON CROWD as the ball comes down they scramble and fight for it... A touch of viciousness... ANNOUNCER 3 (V.O.) ...B-52's meanwhile, unleashed the heaviest bombing of the war... EXT. MOVIE HOUSE TO MACDONALD'S - DAY We are SEEING HEIDI, though we don't know it yet - she's just another pretty 175-pound Italian girl with two kids, KIMMY, JIMMY, about four and five years old. Right now she is a lump of browning flesh, shining with oil among rows of similar ladies (mostly thinner, but all with a certain unhealthy softness about them) laid out in rows and groups across the sand. SHOOT LOW AND LONG, so heat shimmers rise, as though the heat were baking the oil out of this mob, visible suntan oil pollution... Heidi's transistor blasts ROCK MUSIC into the air. LYRICS (OVER) (Roberta Flack) REVEREND LEE, SHE SAID, LORD KNOWS I LOVE YOU, REVEREND LEE - DO IT TO ME (etc., etc.) ANNOUNCER 3 (V.O.) ...the American High Command announced the famed 25th Cavalry Division would be coming home! The 25th Cavalry, long since afoot, hardened in battle in the jungles of World War II... FAR DISTANT THUNDER ROLLS... INT/EXT. SONNY'S CAR - STREET - DAY It is parked in a drab Brooklyn street. Beside the car stands SAL, medium height, also good-looking in an intense boyish way. His eyes dart about suspiciously, the ever-watchful Sal. There is a watchful reserve in Sal that contrasts to Sonny's outgoing bounciness: first impression is Sonny is all bark; Sal is the bite. Sal is dressed in impressive blue suit style, he looks like a kid trying to impress the Godfather. He even wears a hat. Now, matching Sal's preparations inside the car, he checks his tie's alignment, shoots his cuffs and is ready... Meanwhile, on their car radio: ELTON JOHN (Amoreena) AND SHE DREAMS OF CRYSTAL STREAMS OF DAYS GONE BY WHEN WE COULD LEAN LAUGHING FIT TO BURST UPON EACH OTHER... ANOTHER ANGLE BY CAR As he turns, from the back of the car, JACKIE appears with a huge florist box, tied with ribbon. Jackie is an eighteen year old with bad complexion and in contrast to Sonny and Sal is dressed in teenage sloppiness. Adidas, T-shirt, bowling jacket, jeans. He is uncertain: waits for directions from Sonny. Sonny takes the florist box from him. We see a water truck drive down the street, followed by Sonny's car, which drives up near bank. It stops, Jackie gets out, crosses to bank window, peers through, then ANGLE INSIDE CAR returns to car. Leans in, has fake conversation with Sonny. They are waiting. Sonny checks his watch, turns to Sal in back seat: SONNY 30 seconds, Sal... They wait. At appropriate moment, Sal exits car, walks toward bank. Slowly Sonny gets out. INT. BANK - DAY A slightly seedy little branch bank, old yellow brick, blond varnished wood, a rubber plant, an American flag. Through the windows we SEE HOWARD, the aged black bank guard, in uniform, taking down the American flag from outside. Past him comes Sal carrying an attache case. He passes Howard coming toward us through the door into the bank. As he passes CAMERA: INSERT: BANK CLOCK as it CLICKS from 2:57 to 2:58 PM. MOVING SHOT WITH SAL as he moves toward the left-hand deposit-slips desks. He picks out a car-loan application slip, then walks toward the manager's desk (as the sign on the desk proclaims) of PATRICK MULVANEY. Sal sits down, his back to Mulvaney, facing the front door of the bank. Mulvaney is on the phone. ON DOOR as Sonny bustles through in his bouncy dancer's walk. He carries the large florist box. He moves toward the left- hand deposit-slips desks, takes one out and begins to fill one out. ON HOWARD as he pulls out the keys, attached to the belt of his uniform. Jackie approaches the door of the bank and stops, neither in nor out, as though he can't make up his mind. Howard watches him, waiting patiently, keys in hand, folded flag under his arm. CLOSE - SAL still sitting, back to Mulvaney, watching Jackie's approach and entrance, ready to move on cue. ON DOOR on Howard as he looks at Jackie, still half in, half out. Howard speaks to him: HOWARD Closing time; you want in or out? Jackie steps in and as Howard locks the door to prevent more customers from entering, Jackie walks toward Sonny, filling out a slip at the left-hand area. CAMERA FOLLOWS Jackie. He stops at deposit-slips desk, next to Sonny. CLOSE - SAL as if by pre-arranged signal, Sal now stands up, moves to the side of Mulvaney's desk. SAL You the manager? ON MULVANEY who is still on the phone. He gestures at the sign on his desk that says so, and gestures for Sal to sit down. ON SAL as he sits, producing as he does a machine pistol, which he holds on Mulvaney's chest, out of sight from others in the bank. MULVANEY His mouth simply stops, and he stares at the gun. Mulvaney is a comic opera Irishman in his early fifties, florid... cheerful, bushy eyebrows; he acts out everything he says... SAL Just go on talking, like nothing was happening, okay? MULVANEY (into phone) Listen, lemme call you back. He hangs up, and looks from the gun up to Sal's blank hard face. To his own amazement, he grins: a hopeful grin that says: "Like me - don't hurt me." And he's embarrassed by it. As we watch, his smile turns sour. HIS POV - FLASH Sal's absolutely unmoved face. TWO SHOT - SONNY AND JACKIE Jackie moves over to Sonny. JACKIE Sonny, I'm gettin' real bad vibes. SONNY Jackie - what are you talking about? JACKIE Maybe we can take something smaller... like a Spanish grocery. SONNY (indicating what's happening with Sal and Mulvaney) It's too late - just get away from me - don't talk to me now - go over to your place... Jackie moves to another deposit-slips desk - takes one out and begins to fill it out. ON TELLER'S CAGE AREA as a LADY with a BABY in a stroller moves away from the Teller and starts to walk toward the front door. DEBORAH is marking figures on a piece of paper at 1st Teller's cage. SYLVIA and MIRIAM stand behind her - their backs to Sonny. Howard, who has put the folded flag in a plastic bag in a front desk, follows Lady toward the door. He unlocks the door and hands the Baby a lollipop, courtesy of the bank, and she exits the bank. CLOSE - NEW ANGLE - SONNY glancing at clock, taking a sharp deep breath... SAL staring at Mulvaney. MULVANEY the ruins of his smile still on his face. HOWARD straightens up from locking the door; the figure of the Lady and the Baby can be seen receding outside... SONNY seeing that the bank is closed, locked in, with no customers, crosses toward the front teller's cage area, carrying the florist box. As he reaches the other side, he rips open the box and takes the rifle out and aims it level onto SYLVIA BALL, the teller, who automatically takes the "closed" sign and holds it in front of her face as though to protect herself from the rifle. SYLVIA (holding sign in front of her face) Sorry, this window is shut... TWO SHOT - MULVANEY AND SAL as Mulvaney stands and yells to Sylvia... ANGLE ON BACK OF BANK, REST ROOM AREA as MARGARET, an accountant, comes out of the ladies' room, starts to cross downstage toward her desk, sees what is happening, and momentarily freezes in her tracks. SONNY The cues have got all fucked up, but he's so programmed and ready, he can't adjust, so the speech he had ready comes out now: SONNY Okay, this is a stickup! Nobody move! This is a fucking stickup! Just freeze now, goddammit! Get away from your desk... get in the center - get in the center! Sylvia and Edna start to move toward the rear of the bank, toward Margaret's desk. MULVANEY aghast at his own outspokenness... Sal holding the gun levelled on him. MULVANEY Okay, okay... we know it's a stickup! SONNY (to Jackie, re: Howard) If he moves - blow his guts out... Cover him! TWO SHOT - SONNY & JACKIE Jackie, staring at the real guns, turns to Sonny... JACKIE I'm sorry, Sonny... I can't make it... Jackie starts to move toward the front door. SONNY Hey, for christ's sake... now... fuckin' asshole... (turns to Sal) He can't make it. SAL Fuck him - let him out! Sonny yells out at frozen Howard. SONNY Hey... let him out! MULVANEY (yells) Do what the gentleman says, Howard. Sonny sees that Howard is useless, so he runs to Howard, grabbing the keys from him and pulls Howard along with him to the front door. Jackie unlocks the door, and Jackie, with a last apologetic glance, gives his gun to Sonny and vanishes into the sweltering afternoon. Sonny then frisks Howard and has a sudden afterthought as he locks the door again. He quickly unlocks it and shouts out at Jackie. EXT. BANK - DAY SONNY Hey, don't take the car! JACKIE (on sidewalk) Well, how'll I get home? SONNY Take the subway. We need the car. (as Jackie starts to walk away) Hey, gimme the keys - the keys! Jackie stops, fumbles for keys, crosses back to Sonny with them. JACKIE (points to fig. desk) Sonny, there's somebody under that desk over there... I'm sorry... SONNY It's okay... it's okay... Sonny turns into the bank once more, as Jackie walks off toward the subway, pointing inside at a desk near the window as he does, to point something out to Sonny. INT. BANK - DAY Sonny, re-entering the bank, speaks to Howard. SONNY Lock it. Sonny now crosses to desk that Jackie indicated, as everyone watches him, as though it's all in the game. SONNY (taps loudly on top of desk) Hey... get outta there! Nobody's gonna hurt you. JENNY, a young, frightened girl, peeks out from under the desk, obviously afraid to reveal herself. Sonny starts to move toward the front of the bank. Sal turns so he can cover everyone. Sonny turns to order Howard. SONNY Pull the drapes. Howard doesn't move. SONNY Pulla drapes! Howard belatedly leaps to work, pulling drapes that screen off the interior from outside. The door has no drapes or blinds and thus when the drapes are closed there is a corridor of space across the street we will always be able to see. And from which people outside will always be able to see in. As Howard finishes the task, he then walks back to the huddled group on the rear. SONNY on his way to the back of the bank, is digging into his jacket pocket; he swings around as he passes the camera that is bolted to a wall bracket covering the tellers' area. He whips out a spray can and gives the lens a shot of red paint. There are three cameras in all, each of which he sprays. SONNY (grinning) No replay, folks... no alarms... After spraying the three cameras, he has reached Mulvaney's desk area. The girls are scattering to group farther back and Sonny and Mulvaney are heading for the vault. MULVANEY (on cross to vault with Sonny) We're hip... let's just get you all fixed up and on your way! MIRIAM, a young, awkward, overweight Jewish girl, chewing gum with nervous machine-like rapidity, moving toward the vault. The gate is closed, and she holds one key and Mulvaney the other. They pass Sal, who now holds the others in the bank under his gun while at the vault gate. SONNY Okay, is the vault open? MULVANEY I can take care of that. NEW ANGLE Mulvaney is about to insert his key in his lock. Sonny quickly reaches out and grabs Mulvaney's hand, and looks at the key he has extended. He explodes. SONNY Son of a bitch! He almost hits Mulvaney with his fist. SONNY What the fuck you tryin' to do? Trip the alarm? Use the spur key? Use the other one... He's grabbed the keys from Mulvaney and holds up the key Mulvaney was going to use... we're in a: VERY TIGHT TWO SHOT - MULVANEY AND SONNY'S HEADS Sonny holds the key right in the middle of the FRAME where Mulvaney and the audience can SEE the key has a tiny projection or spur at the end. If this key is used, the spur triggers a silent alarm. MULVANEY I must of been outta my mind. SONNY (furious) Well, you get your mind right. I'm a Catholic and I don't wanna hurt nobody, but goddamn it, don't you play no games with me. Unnastand?!? Mulvaney nods and picks out a key that is identical except for the spur. He shows it to Sonny. Sonny nods. NEW ANGLE as Mulvaney carefully uses the safe key to unlock the gate. Miriam is crying as she unlocks her side. The gate swings open. Sonny shoves Mulvaney inside and, as he passes Miriam, notices her tears. She just stands there staring into his face like a hypnotized chicken, the tears streaming down her face. Sonny stops, staring at her. Mulvaney, starting to open the gate, moves inside the vault, impatient... MULVANEY Okay. Let's get you on your way. Miriam - open the safe. Miriam hesitates. SONNY What's the matter with you? MULVANEY (to Miriam) Come on, lemme load you up... MIRIAM There isn't any money... Sonny looks at Mulvaney, alarmed... MIRIAM They picked it up this afternoon... SONNY No money?! (moves inside the vault) MIRIAM There's only about four thousand in singles, and maybe a few hundred in larger bills... he's going to kill us! Sonny storms into the vault. NEW ANGLE IN VAULT as Mulvaney pulls a cash drawer out to show Sonny: even we can see there isn't much there. Sonny searches for more, finds nothing. SONNY This is it? What am I gonna do with this? Holy shit! MULVANEY It's all we got. SONNY Okay, don't worry about it. Stick it in the bag... At this, Sonny pulls out a plastic bag from his pocket, hands it to Miriam, who opens it and puts the money into it. As he turns, we see that Miriam is still staring at him, terrified, and as his rifle swings around, she reels back with a little screech of terror... SONNY Ah, Jesus... SAL Let's go, Sonny. SONNY (suddenly gentle) What are you crying for? Jesus Christ. It's not your fault there's no money... MULVANEY She's afraid you're gonna shoot... (hands Sonny the bag of money) Sonny starts out of the vault toward the teller's area with bag of money. He speaks to Mulvaney. SONNY What the hell would I shoot her for? Miriam follows Sonny to teller's cages gate. He carries the bag. PHONE STARTS TO RING (#1) SONNY Answer the phone! Mulvaney crosses to his desk, picks up the receiver. Sal follows him, yanks receiver from one ear to the other, so he can hear conversation. SONNY (to Miriam) Okay... open this. Miriam crosses to gate, presses the necessary button and the gate opens from them. Sonny watches this carefully, noting where the buzzer button is. He crosses in front of the drawer at the first cage. He tries to open the drawer. It's obviously locked. SONNY Okay, who's the head teller here? SYLVIA I am. SONNY Open this up! Sylvia comes forward and unlocks the first drawer, and begins to remove the cash, but Sonny grabs her hands... alarmed... SONNY Don't take it all out! He grabs a piece of paper or cardboard... CLOSE SHOT - SONNY'S HANDS AND CASH IN DRAWER He takes all the singles but one out of the singles slot in the drawer, leaving the bottom single in place. It is held there by a metal clip. He carefully slips the paper under the clip and then removes the single. It is clear this is an automatic alarm - meanwhile... SONNY Boy, I can't trust a one of you... I worked in a bank, I know the alarms, so don't try to fool around with me! BACK TO SHOT OF SONNY AND SYLVIA AND MIRIAM as they move to 2nd cash drawer at 2nd teller's cage. Sylvia unlocks the drawer and starts to reach in for the cash, but Sonny pushes his hand into the drawer instead. He begins to stuff the money into the bag. Some fives, packaged with rubber bands, in the drawer, he holds up so Sal and all can see them... He laughs! SONNY Decoy money, right, it's marked! Shit! He throws it into the air so the bills flutter all around him, gaily... In the background, Mulvaney, having finished with the phone conversation, is moving to the rear with the rest of the girls. Sonny now moves to the 3rd cage's cash drawer... Mulvaney ends phone conversation and Sal moves him over to group at vault. SONNY (mimicking Sylvia) 'This window is shut...' Again, the same procedure begins. Sylvia unlocks the cash drawer and Sonny starts to scoop it out and put it into the opened plastic bag that Miriam holds. SAL Cheer up, you'll be the veteran of a robbery, the bank sends you a dozen red roses, you know that? At this point, THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN (#2) SONNY (yelling to Sal) Sal, let him answer the goddamn phones, they're driving me crazy! Look at this chicken shit! Again, Mulvaney starts to cross back to his desk, again followed by Sal. Sonny yells out to Mulvaney as he crosses to answer the phone. SONNY Hey, you, manager... Don't get any ideas, fucker... See that man there? I bark and he bites! MULVANEY Believe me, I'm on your side. SONNY My side, shit! They move to Drawer #4. SYLVIA Listen, we got young girls here... you could watch your language. SONNY I speak what I feel. MULVANEY ON THE PHONE MULVANEY Hello... I'm sorry I can't talk to you right now... I suggest you call during banking hours tomorrow. What is your name? BACK ON SONNY, SYLVIA AND MIRIAM SONNY Gimme the traveler's checks and the register. They cross toward the last drawer area (#5). Miriam is still crying silently. Sonny holds out the plastic bag for the checks for her. She drops it. SONNY Please... quit that. It's not necessary. With everything in the bag, Sonny now takes the register and starts to move the two girls toward the rear near the vault. MULVANEY Can you hurry it up? BACK TO SONNY as he moves toward the rear (Sylvia and Miriam now re-joining other women), to get a wastebasket. Accomplishing this, he starts to burn the pages of the register, tearing out pages as he does so. It's smokey as hell, but not burning well. He drops it, smoking, into the wastebasket. SONNY (to Howard) Hey, you! Give me the keys... We're gettin' outta here. HOWARD (gasping for breath) Huh? MULVANEY Howard? HOWARD Huh? ON HOWARD The old man is panicked, great patches of sweat spreading around his armpits. He breathes in asthmatic gasps; now he flinches at his name, as though he's been hit. MULVANEY (stands, receiver still to ear, then covering it with his hand) Howard, give him the keys... SONNY Gimme the keys to get outta here! Howard is unable to move. Seeing his predicament, Edna moves to him and starts to unfasten his belt to remove the keys. Mulvaney continues with his phone conversation. ON SONNY who now crosses to Howard and Edna, losing patience with the situation. As he moves closer, Howard backs away from him, frightened by his rifle. Seeing that, Sonny puts it down and looks over to Sal for coverage. SONNY Sal... As Sonny approaches Howard, he realizes that he can't get close enough. SONNY Take it easy... just gimme the keys. I'm not gonna hurt you. Listen, calm down, huh? You're gonna have a heart attack. Just gimme the keys... that's all I want. Howard gives him the keys and as Sonny starts to walk back toward the burning register... ON SAL with Mulvaney still on the phone. SAL (looking past camera, falling onto the floor behind Mulvaney) Sonny... who's that? Across the street. ON SONNY who now starts to move quickly toward the front of the bank, being sure to hide behind the posts as he moves. MULVANEY (O.S.) (on phone) No, it was the credit rating. The credit rating. I don't know, you'd have to find that out from him. Sonny has now reached the front of the bank. He carefully peeks out through the closed draperies to look outside. ANGLE ON STREET - SONNY'S POV A man, in a business suit, sweaty and harassed-looking, is walking from an insurance office across the street directly toward the bank... The man continues coming straight toward them and us... REVERSE Sonny starts to run back to get his gun from Margaret's desk. Mulvaney is still on the phone. MULVANEY It was something a couple of years ago in St. Louis, I don't know... Sonny grabs the gun from the desk top and moves over to Mulvaney. ANGLE ON DOOR AT FRONT OF BANK The man walks straight toward the glass door, already lifting his hand to shadow his eyes, so when he reaches the door, he'll be able to see inside. REVERSE ON SAL AND MULVANEY Sal brings the gun up so he can shoot the man, at the same time, crabbing himself aside so he is concealed behind Mulvaney and the desk. Mulvaney sees the approaching man and cups his hand over the phone. MULVANEY It's the insurance guy across the street. He probably saw the goddamn smoke! (motions toward smoking register) Please! Put out the fire! ON MAN The last few feet from the door. ON SONNY who rushes through the teller's cages gate toward the register, grabs the smoking register, throws it onto the floor near Edna's desk, and starts to stamp it out. MARGARET I'll get some water! Before anyone can move, Sonny grabs the gun on them all. SONNY Nobody move! Freeze! The women now begin to scream as real hysteria sets in. Deborah screams, collapses. CLOSE - ON SAL BRINGING GUN UP ON: DOOR The man actually kicks the glass with his foot, then leans against the glass, shades his eyes, trying to see in. MULVANEY (O.S.) Sorry... I can't talk now... I'll call you back. SOUND of hanging up. The man is looking all around. SAL AND MULVANEY SAL Get rid of him. MULVANEY Howard, wave him off. Tell him we're closed. Whatever... ON HOWARD who is useless. ON MULVANEY who starts to move toward the front door, looking over at Sonny trying to put out the fire. CAMERA FOLLOWS MULVANEY TO THE FRONT DOOR; Sonny moves with him, covering him all the time. ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR as Sonny stands behind closed venetian blinds to listen to the conversation and to cover Mulvaney. SONNY The gun's right on your back... MULVANEY Give me the keys... Sonny hands him the keys. VERY CLOSE SHOT - SAL He raises the gun and sights it now, and in this moment, we should sense a kind of luxurious relaxation into anticipation on Sal's part. He is smiling a little, and for the first time, looks happy, and that's what makes him seem dangerous. He's looking forward to an excuse to kill. It's here now: survival. There is something almost sexual about the way he settles his body down behind the weapon, getting ready for the squeeze on the trigger, the report, the violent shove of recoil against his muscles and sinews. In the background, we see Sylvia bringing Howard a cup of water. ANGLE ON DOOR emphasizing the small of Mulvaney's back. The man is somebody he knows from across the street. He looks worried and mystified... MULVANEY (unlocking door) What is it, Sam? SAM Everything's all right? You okay? MULVANEY Yeah, just a cigarette got in a wastebasket. Silence. Sam stares around... thinking. SAM You all right? MULVANEY Little smoke: like a Polish four- alarm fire, is all. SAM Yeah. Well, you're okay? MULVANEY Yeah, thanks for keeping an eye out. SAM Okay. He's not satisfied, but he can't see anything and he can't think of anything more to say, so... MULVANEY Thanks again, Sam. SAM I'm glad it's okay. MULVANEY It's okay. [Regards to the family, Sam.] Mulvaney locks the door and walks inside the bank, giving the keys back to Sonny. MULVANEY For God's sake, will you please go now? We gave you every nickel we got. SONNY You're goin' outside with me. If there's no cops around, we just split. Otherwise, you go with us. Mulvaney and Sonny starts to walk back toward Sal. As they do, the PHONE BEGINS TO RING AGAIN (#3). SONNY (to Mulvaney) Answer it. Mulvaney shrugs helplessly. Picks up the phone, standing at desk opposite his. ON SAL SAL He's gone? SONNY Yeah - it's all right... let's go. MULVANEY ON PHONE MULVANEY Hello, Mulvaney here... TWO SHOT - SONNY & SAL SONNY Sal, get 'em in the vault. SAL Where's the money? SONNY Get 'em in the vault! As Sal starts to herd them into the vault (Sylvia helping Howard, still with the cup of water), Mulvaney is still on the phone. Sonny moves down to get the money bag atop the teller's cages and we hear Mulvaney on phone. MULVANEY (tired) What property is that, Mrs. Anterio? The Third Avenue property - you already got a second mortgage on. We discussed it before... ANGLE AT VAULT The girls are afraid; Miriam unlocks the gate as Sonny uses Mulvaney's keys to the matching lock. JENNY (from inside vault area) You won't close the vault? How can we breathe? SONNY No, that's okay... just close the gate... Sylvia, helping Howard, is the last to go through the gate. As Sonny is about to lock the gate, she turns to him. SYLVIA Listen, I'll never make it. I'll have to go to the toilet. SONNY What's the matter... they never housebroke you? SYLVIA It's not a joke. I got this terrible fear of being locked in... SAL Goddamn women... SONNY Ah shit. Okay... go ahead. Anybody else have to go? EDNA Me, too, please. SAL You see... now they all gotta go. As Sylvia starts to move out, Sonny starts to cross ahead of her. SONNY Wait a minute - I want to check. Mulvaney finishes his phone conversation. He moves toward the group at the vault. NEW ANGLE as Sonny sprints for the door to the Ladies' Room. INSIDE LADIES' ROOM It is a little lounge; sitting on a couch under the window, making up her face (or painting her toenails) and listening to her tiny transistor radio, oblivious to all that's happened, is MARIA, heavily-painted and voluptuous Latin girl. Sylvia, following him in, is shocked. She's forgotten about Maria. Now she runs over to her, puts her arms around her. SYLVIA Oh - Maria! SONNY Who the hell is that? God damn it! What the... Maria is about to protest, but Sylvia grabs her and starts to hustle her out. SONNY What are you trying to pull? SYLVIA I forgot she's in here. SONNY Come on, nobody's going to the bathroom - come on... He moves with them back to the vault area, herds them into it. At this point, PHONE RINGS AGAIN (#4). Sonny moves to get the empty wastebasket, shoving it into the vault for the girls to use in case of emergency. Mulvaney moves to his desk and phone. Mulvaney has by this time answered the phone, and is now holding it out to Sonny. HOLD THE BEAT... MULVANEY (to Sonny) It's for you. ON SONNY AND SAL They both stare at Mulvaney. Sonny slowly moves toward Mulvaney. For the first time since he entered the bank, he's quiet and slow. He takes the instrument and slowly puts it to his ear. The group from the vault now slowly starts to move out to listen to the conversation. SONNY (into phone) Yeah. MORETTI (V.O.) What are you doin' in there? SONNY Who's this? MORETTI (V.O.) This is Detective Sergeant Moretti, asshole, we got you completely by the balls. You don't believe me, I'm lookin' you right in the eye. Right now, I can see you... SAL Who is it? Sonny turns and looks out through the door. Sure enough, in the window of the barbershop across the street, the dim figure of a man on a telephone can be SEEN looking out toward us. He wears a hat in spite of the weather and a cigar is clamped in his mouth. He is an old-time, hard-nosed, uneducated, street-wise, sarcastic New York cop, outspoken, rude and sentimental. Right now he's a distant silhouette and a voice on the telephone. CLOSE ON SONNY holding the phone. Listening to the voice of his death speaking in New York accents. MORETTI (V.O.) Okay? Let's be reasonable and not stupid and not get anybody hurt. You come to the front door with hands folded on your head, unnastand? Nobody's gonna shoot or... Sonny slowly, almost sadly, puts the telephone receiver back down, cutting off the little voice at the other end. He looks up at Mulvaney, then to Sal. SONNY (to Sal) It's the cops. Shit! SAL How'd that happen? MULVANEY (backing away from Sonny) I swear to God... on my salary, I'm not gonna be any hero... SONNY I took too long. SAL It was the fire, asshole! Sonny paces. MULVANEY I told you, just go, get out when you could, but no, you just got to hang around. Sonny is pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. SONNY Oh, shit! I gotta have time to think. SYLVIA What is it? Did you just barge in here... He doesn't have plan. It's all a whim. (sarcastic) 'Rob a bank! What not?' SONNY ...Just give me time to think... PHONE STARTS TO RING (#5). MULVANEY We're all in the barrel together... Phone continues to ring. Sonny finally grabs it (desk opposite Mulvaney). SONNY (into phone) All right, bastards! You keep away from the bank or we start throwing bodies out the front door one at a time. You got that? A startled apologetic man's voice speaks: Now ANOTHER PHONE BEGINS TO RING (#6). MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) I just called to ask Jenny what time she's gonna get off. SONNY Who's this? MAN (V.O.) It's her husband. Sonny abruptly holds the phone out from his body at arm's length, disgusted. SONNY Is there a Jenny here? Nobody moves. They all stare at him. Finally he singles her out. SONNY It's your husband. Jenny starts to move toward Sonny. JENNY What do I say? SONNY Tell him the truth! Tell him whatever you tell him! OTHER PHONE CONTINUES TO RING (#6). As he puts down the phone for her to pick up, Sonny reaches for the other phone that is RINGING. SONNY What a fuckin' comedy! (into phone) WNEW plays all the hits. MORETTI (V.O.) Listen, first off, is anybody hurt in there? SONNY ...But you keep away from the bank or we start throwing bodies out the front door one at a time... You got it? Okay? He hangs up the phone. Sal looks at him. SAL You mean that? SONNY What? SAL ...The bodies out the door. SONNY I want him to think that. SAL But do you mean it? At this moment, Jenny, phone in hand, is turned to him, respectfully like a child in an authoritarian household, addressing her father: JENNY He wants to know what time you think you'll be through. ON SONNY stares at her. For the first time, he realizes how frightened she is, how serious, grotesque, and funny it all is. He takes the time to be tender with her, as though she were a not-too-bright child in the presence of a tragedy she'll never understand. SONNY Tell him I don't know. Now Sonny turns to speak to Mulvaney. SONNY Where's the back door? MULVANEY It's locked on the inside. (beat) It's through that passageway and to the right. Sonny disappears toward the back door. Jenny continues her phone conversation. MAN (V.O.) Jenny? JENNY He says he doesn't know. Why don't you cook whatever's there? MAN (V.O.) It looks like a whole roast. JENNY Honey, send out for Kentucky fried chicken. The baby, just open a bottle of prunes, and one of the beef. The bottles are in the fridge. MULVANEY (to Jenny) Hurry up! MAN (V.O.) I know how to fix the bottle. They got guns? JENNY (with the baby on her mind) What guns? MAN (V.O.) The robbers in the bank. They got guns? JENNY Yeah. A lot of guns. MAN (V.O.) Well, stay away from them. Don't get close. JENNY Oh, yeah, I will... Now Sonny returns from the rear door area, sees that she's still on the phone and signals to her to hurry up. SONNY Hey, Jenny - let's go... JENNY Hon? I got to go. MAN (V.O.) I love you. Jenny hesitates. Everyone is looking at her. They look away, as though to give her privacy. JENNY Yeah. Well, I got to go now... A beat of silence. Realizes she can't talk... MAN (V.O.) I'll kiss the baby for you. JENNY (past embarrassment) I love you. She hangs up and then crosses to the group by the vault. NEW ANGLE on Sonny as he moves to Sal, to reassure Sal out of some guiltiness about trapping him in this situation. His tone apologetic... almost tender... SONNY Sal, I'm sorry about this. But we can get outta this thing. There's a way outta this. SAL Are you serious? About throwin' a body outta here if we have to? SONNY Well, I stalled him for a while. When it comes the time, then we'll work it out. Okay? SAL But do you mean it?... But you just told him that if worse comes to worse... SONNY I want him to think that. SAL But I want to know what you think. SONNY We won't have to. SAL I'll tell you right now - that I'm ready to do it. Now Sonny moves over to the group at the vault gate and speaks to them. SONNY What I want to say is... everything's gonna be all right... if we all cooperate and we don't, you know... carry on... I don't know you and you don't know me... and what I'm tryin' to tell you is that if you stay cooled out, we can work this thing out and nobody's going to get hurt... believe me, I don't want to hurt anybody... Everybody is going to have a chance to do what they have to do... she's gotta go to the bathroom - so you go - and you can go after... Everybody's gonna get a chance... Everybody's gonna get a chance to use the phone... Let's just take it a step at a time. Sonny now turns toward Mulvaney. Howard lies down, head on jacket, in the vault. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Now, you -- what's your name? MULVANEY Mulvaney... SONNY You and me are checking the other ways in and out. Sal takes a position where he can cover the door and also the girls and Howard. NEW ANGLE as Sonny and Mulvaney move toward the rear of the bank. SONNY Let's go to the back door. (referring to Howard) How'd that guy get to be a guard? MULVANEY Well, they go to guard school. SONNY To what... learn how to shoot? They don't get a gun. MULVANEY They make $105 a week to start. They fold the flag, check the place out in the morning. I don't know what they learn, Sonny. At some point in their move toward the rear door, Sylvia exits the Ladies' room and moves back toward the group. MULVANEY Here we are... the back door. They look at it. It is big, black, steel and seems solid. Sonny tests it. SONNY They could shoot the lock... I want to block it, so if they try comin' here, we're gonna hear it. Here, you pull on that side. (puts gun aside) He has found a big office machine, a Xerox or whatever, which he now starts to push toward the door. On the opposite side, Mulvaney starts to pull it toward the door. It's very heavy and they have to strain to budge it at all. Meanwhile: SONNY You got kids? MULVANEY I got two kids... and I'd like to see them again. SONNY Ah, I know! You're being very cooperative. I got no complaint against you whatever; you got bank insurance? Mulvaney has removed his suit jacket. MULVANEY You know I do. You seem to know a lot about bank procedure. Sonny laughs and pushes the machine. Mulvaney pulls from the opposite side. SONNY Don't ask me questions. I got connections. You find out who I am, you're cold meat. MULVANEY I don't care who you are... (shove) I just want to get you outta here, safe, right? SONNY What if I take you with me? MULVANEY (stopping to rest for a beat, thinking) If you take anybody, please take me. SONNY They'll shoot you; the fucking cops'll shoot you... they don't give a damn. In spite of that bank insurance. You see what they did in Attica, they shot everybody, the hostages, prisoners, cops, guards, forty-two people they killed, the innocent with the guilty. They have the machine almost to the door now, with Mulvaney almost pinned between the machine and the door. He eases himself out. Looks at the gun, then at Sonny, then they shove the machine against the door. Sonny then gives Mulvaney his jacket to put on again. SONNY Anyway, I'm not gonna take you. I'm gonna take one of the girls, a married one with a couple of kids. The cops don't like it in the papers when they kill a mother, especially if she's got young kids. Finished with the task, Sonny takes his gun and with Mulvaney, they start to cross back toward Sal and the rest of the group. SONNY You're just a nice guy, Mr. Mulvaney. Only don't fuck around with me, you know what I mean? MULVANEY I don't fool around with you. Mulvaney crosses back to his desk and sits down. At this point, all the phones are off the hooks. EXT. (AERIAL) ANGLE FROM INT. POLICE HELICOPTER (OVER BANK) As it banks steeply we can see past Pilot to bank, and cops around car. We see a small crowd being held back by a few police still setting up barricades. It is the first indication of the crowd event it became. It also sets the geography for us, but very quickly another copter swims into view and the two circle each other. The other copter -- only feet away -- is a TV news helicopter, with a big camera sticking out the open door on our side. It is turned down by the Cameraman to focus on the bank. A COP in the police helicopter yells through his bullhorn at the TV Cameraman. BULLHORN COP This is a restricted area. You are flying in a restricted area... The TV Cameraman swivels his camera up to focus on the Cop, and as the lens hits us dead center... INT. APARTMENT NEAR BANK Though an open window a fire escape can be seen and beyond it an angle of street and the bank. Near the window in a corner is a TV set, and on the TV set we are seeing the shot of the police helicopter and the Cop yelling on the bullhorn as seen from the TV copter. A couple of Elderly Men are sitting watching the TV set, ignoring the bank, which they can see in the flesh, as it were. Outside we are HEARING the copters, and on the TV set likewise, and the voice of the Announcer. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) ...police as yet have made no contact with the bank robbers who are locked in the bank... There is a HAMMERING at the door, and the men at the TV set barely have time to look around before several burly Cops wearing flak vests and helmets and carrying sniper rifles with telescopic slights move through the room, ignoring the men. They move out onto the fire escape, a couple going up higher, settling themselves down to aim in their rifles on the front of the bank. A lot of AD LIB dialogue, but what we note is the Cops, as a man, take a look at themselves on the TV. EXT. BANK - DAY The FRAME is full of cop faces... tough, mesomorphic faces with a layer of fat under the skin, increasing as age. They have the look of cops: alert, curious, weighing. They are city cops; they don't have that old-fashioned condemnatory expression, there is an element of playfulness in their nature -- the fact is they love their work, which is criminals. There is a peculiar delight in ferreting out the criminal impulse in everybody, and a matching fury in punishing it -- which is the action of repressing their own strongly developed criminal unconscious. These are tense, funny, violent, and rigidly controlled men. MORETTI is an old-line cop, a lot more relaxed than the younger men and the cold professionals of the FBI, who as a group resemble astronauts, and like them hide (but do not deny) the psychic chaos underneath. Right now they are looking at the sky. We HEAR a heavy helicopter track. We feature SHELDON, the silver-haired FBI Agent-in-Charge, who looks like an accountant, and Moretti, with hat and cigar, and a face out of Warner Brothers movies of the Forties. In spite of Sheldon's age, Moretti plays though he's a smart kid who still needs a little help. Sheldon is getting out of a gray car, wears a gray suit. Three men with him are carbon copies of him at younger ages. The three hang around him. They approach Moretti who looks at them without moving. MORETTI (to no one) Here comes the FBI. (to Sheldon) You men lookin' for protection? We got all the police right here. SHELDON Why didn't you just wait and try to take 'em out there in the street? Moretti looks at him, cheerfully sarcastic. MORETTI I made an error in judgment. I thought the sons of bitches would be overwhelmed with remorse at the sight of a police officer. And you know somethin'? Nobody has said hostage yet. Unnastan? They are moving past Cops on the corner heading toward a small barbershop across the street from the bank. We now sense the growing crowd, standing quietly, just staring not yet knowing what's going on. NEW ANGLE From down the street come a group of odd-looking men in suits, carrying all kinds of electric junk: The NEW REPORTERS. They run heavily, sweating martinis and cigarette smoke... they run up to Moretti and Sheldon, who walk along, trying not to catch an eye. MOVING SHOT - MORETTI AND SHELDON AMONG NEWSMEN. VOICES How many in the bank? Have they got hostages? Any shots exchanged? (Etc., AD LIB) MORETTI No, we don't know that yet. This young fella without the hat is FBI. I'm Detective Sergeant Eugene Moretti ... M-O-R-E-double-T-I. Eugene. I don't give a shit, but my wife cries if you spell it wrong. They have arrived at the barber shop where Moretti fights his way inside. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY A COP is talking on the wall phone as MORETTI, BAKER, etc. are trying to get inside. COP ...no, just get hold of Al, tell him to get the catering truck over to 26th and Avenue B, there's a bank robbery in progress and big crowd. Big! Tell him to bring ice cream -- I got to hang up. He hangs up and immediately begins thumbing through a POCKET PHONE BOOK. Throughout this Cop is engaged in personal business on the fringe of this affair, and though he's on duty he hardly knows what's happening on the robbery. He's trying to get his brother-in-law with the ice cream truck down here, etc. Moretti has got the crowd cleared back, so that now we SEE why this has been chosen as a tactical command post. From here, while talking on the phone, Moretti can see the bank, and through the uncurtained door he can even see some distance inside. Moretti picks up the phone. MORETTI (to phone cop) You get the phone company? PHONE COP It's being set up... this phone'll be a direct line into the bank. Moretti is already dialing. The phone is answered. INT. BANK - DAY (Re Moretti's 3rd conversation on phone with Sonny.) The group inside the bank have now been waiting approximately twelve minutes since anything last happened. Sonny is seated at Mulvaney's desk, all the phones off the hooks. The rest of the group is huddled around the vault area where Sal is keeping his eye on them. Suddenly, Sonny jumps up and puts all the receivers back on the hooks, crossing back to sit at Mulvaney's desk again. PHONE STARTS TO RING and Sonny picks it up. MORETTI Okay, you're in there and we're out here. What do we do now? SONNY I told you -- keep away. I don't know what we do now. MORETTI Awright, but I wanna talk to you. First off, we wanna know if the people in the bank are okay. SONNY They're okay. MORETTI You alone, or you got confederates? SONNY I'm not alone. MORETTI How many you got in there? SONNY I got Sal. MORETTI Sal? What's that for? Salvatore? SONNY Sal. He's the killer. We're Vietnam veterans so killing don't mean anything to us, you understand? A cop passing by presses a portable two-way radio into Moretti's hand: He accepts it and holds as though he expected it. The Cop passes the same type of set to certain other officers. These sets are tuned in to each other, and throughout the movie, there is a constant background talk on these sets. This is police procedure; the orders are for everyone to talk about everything. If anyone has a question, has heard a rumor or a sound, whatever, it is immediately responded to, so that there can be the fewest possible surprises. Sample dialogue might go: "Did I hear a shot?" "Over here, by the bank, there was a report like a gunshot, inside." "Roger, we heard that from the barbershop... it was inside the bank." "Barbershop, you can see inside?" "Roger, we heard from the barbershop... it was inside the bank." "Barbershop, you can see inside?" "Roger, this is the barbershop, we see inside, the perpetrator is moving toward the rear of the bank." "Who's that guy walking through the barricade?" "The blue suit?" "Yeah." "Off-duty Inspector come down to see can you use him." Etc. They really do use the word Perpetrator, Felon, etc. The Cop handing out radios makes Moretti sign for it -- which Moretti does during the following: MORETTI Right -- got ya. Okay, so there's you -- what's your name? SONNY What do you want to know that for? MORETTI Give me a name, any name, just so I got somethin' to call you. SONNY Call me Sonny-boy. MORETTI Sonny-boy, one word? SONNY One word. You won't find it in the phone book. MORETTI Listen, Sonny... can I call you Sonny for short? SONNY Call me whatever you want. MORETTI Okay, Sonny, I want to see if the people in the bank are okay, then what I want to do is work out a way to get them out of there. I want to come over there, without a gun... and you can frisk me. So you can see you can trust me. So we can talk and find a way outta this mess. SONNY I frisk you? MORETTI You frisk me. SONNY Right -- I'm with you, buddy. MORETTI I'd like just some sign I can trust you too, Sonny. I don't want to trust my body out where you could just shoot me. Some sight... right? SONNY Sure... like... I'm not gonna shoot you. MORETTI How about letting the people out of the bank. Why put them in this position? SONNY They're what's keeping me alive. You think you're dealing with an idiot? Talk to me then. MORETTI Okay, give us the women. SONNY Oh, no... Women is all we got. MORETTI You're all one way! I'm bein' reasonable with you; give me somethin'... Give me one of them, anyway... Just one... SONNY So -- you want me to send one out there... Okay. I'll see what I can do. Sonny hangs up and moves over to Sal. The rest of the group has been trying to make out what's being said at the other end of the conversation. SONNY (to Sal) He wants one. SAL Dead or alive? SONNY Alive. Now Sonny looks at the group. SONNY Okay... who's gonna go first? Mulvaney now stands up at his desk, looks over at the group near the vault. They look back at him, waiting for some instructions. MULVANEY It's up to you ladies. SYLVIA Howard! They are now unified. Sonny whispers something to Sal. SONNY To show that we're negotiating. SAL All right... send them the guard. SONNY All right... let's go. Sylvia takes Howard by the arms and starts to lead him toward the front door. Sal watches as they move toward front door. SAL Cover her, Sonny. Sonny moves with them toward the front door, his gun aimed at them during the walk. Finally they arrive, and Howard moves toward the door by himself. But the door is obviously locked. SYLVIA He needs the keys. Sonny gives her the keys. SAL (from the rear) Only one, Sonny. Sonny covers Sylvia as she moves to unlock the front door for Howard. SYLVIA Go along, Howard. ANGLE OUTSIDE DOOR As Howard is pushed out the door by Sylvia, a cop from a nearby car rushes up to him and shoves him to a curbside car where he bends Howard over the car, putting his hands behind him for handcuffs and starts to frisk him. HOWARD'S POV - QUICK CUTS About 100 weapons ranging from machine guns to hand guns to sniper rifles are whipped up and pointed straight at his chest and head. The effect is as though he is about to be blown entirely away. ANGLE ON THE BARBER SHOP Moretti rushes out, screaming to the cop with Howard. MORETTI Don't fire! THE RADIO NETWORK SCREAMS RADIO VOICES Did he say fire? What fire? Do we fire or what? Who fired? (Etc.) VARIOUS COPS Confusion reigns. They don't know if the perpetrator or not, since they haven't yet seen Sal or Sonny. Guns are up, aimed, being pushed down... Cops run for better vantage points. ANGLE ON HOWARD as Moretti reaches him. He pulls the cop away from him and starts to give him hell for the rough treatment being given the guard. ANGLE IN DOOR OF BANK With Sylvia in doorway, staring wildly at the street scene. Sonny is beside her covering her with his rifle. SYLVIA My God! That's Howard! We voted to send him out! VARIOUS ANGLES as the cops slowly realize their mistake. They stand back from Howard, who is virtually catatonic with fear and shock now. They get him up, a reluctant to believe they could have made such a mistake... ANGLE ON TV CAMERAMAN Near barber shop, across the street, jockeying, trying to focus in on him, elbowing each other, they yell out: CAMERAMAN Hey! Come out, get in the light. Hey, out where we can get a shot, huh? Who's the black guy? (etc. AD LIBS) LOW ANGLE - HELICOPTER (TO AND FROM) swings in over street to try for a shot. Howard is being taken in the direction of the barber shop. MORETTI to Cops. MORETTI Get him outta here! DOOR OF BANK Sonny back in the shadows with Sylvia, looking at Moretti, appalled. ON MORETTI Behind him a mob scene. Howard is being led away, weeping. Photographers, cops, a phalanx of cops have their weapons levelled on Sonny like a firing squad. It is right on the edge of violence... of blowing up. Sonny and Sylvia are in the shelter of the doorway, Moretti stands on the sidewalk, looking toward Sonny inside the bank. MORETTI Sonny - come out here a minute. At this point, he removes his jacket and drops it to the ground, showing Sonny that he is unarmed. SONNY You got these cops outta here. They're comin' in too close. MORETTI Come on. I want you to see something. SONNY You want me to give up, huh? Look, Sal's in back with the girls. Anything happens to me - one move - and Sal gives it to them. Boom boom. How do I know you won't jump me? MORETTI I don't forget about Sal and the boom boom room. I want you to see this. Sonny turns back to tell Sal he's going outside. Moretti stands well out in the street, to reassure Sonny nobody is going to try to jump him. Sonny stares around; he nudges Sylvia out ahead of him. As they edge into sight of the Media across the street: NEWSMEN AND PHOTOGRAPHERS Out in the light. Hey, Lady! You're on TV, Lady! Smile, any... god damn thing... ANGLES - SHOWING CROWDS straining against police lines: this is where we begin to sense the size of the event. People are eating popsicles and ice cream. They are diverted and excited. Sonny and Sylvia begin to emerge: CATCALLS and HOOTS of greeting... CLOSER - SONNY AND SYLVIA as he looks around, and the impact of his situation really hits him: he's not only totally surrounded, he's an event. Some of the crowd CHEER him. An army of Cops, and guns all levelled on Sonny. MORETTI Let Sal come out, take a look. What hope you got? Quit while you're ahead. All you got is attempted robbery. SONNY ...armed robbery... MORETTI Well, armed, then. Nobody's been hurt. Release the hostages, nobody is gonna worry over kidnapping charges, the worst you're gonna get is five years -- you can be out in a year. Sonny stares at him, his face utterly blank. SONNY Kiss me. Moretti stops, stares back. MORETTI What? SONNY (deadpan) When I'm bein' fucked, I like to be kissed a lot. (bursting out) Who the fuck are you tryin' to con me into some deal? You're a city cop, where's the FBI? This is a federal offense, I got kidnapping, armed robbery, they're gonna bury me! You know it, you can't talk for them, you're some flunky pig tryin' to bullshit me. Now God damn it, get somebody in charge here to talk to me! MORETTI Calm down, you're not... SONNY Calm down... look at this, look at him...! Gestures at the cops, the wall of rifles and machine guns levelled on him. It is incredible and terrifying... SONNY (continuing) They wanna kill me so bad they can taste it! He takes a defiant step into the street. The crowd SCREAMS as they get their first view, which is of Sonny telling the Cops off. They don't need to hear the words, they can see it. SONNY (screaming) Attica! Attica! Go ahead! Blow off the front of the whole God damn bank! He holds his hands wide offering himself as a target to the hulking officer. SONNY (to the TV) If it wasn't for you guys they'd kill everybody and say it was me and Sal. (to Moretti) You tell 'em to put the guns down. I can't stand it. He means it. Moretti gestures to the officers to back away, lower the guns. The crowd YELLS: Sonny has beat the Cops. He is momentarily their hero. It's a breaking point. Moretti makes a decision. MORETTI (Cop language command to put gun away) All right - put the guns down! He has to YELL it twice before the Cop slowly, angrily, stuffs the gun into his holster. SOUND: The crowd screams. ON SONNY hearing the Crowd APPLAUSE. He turns and grins and waves to them. They SCREAM more. He turns and waves to the media. They've been YELLING. MEDIA Hey, over here! Give us a wave! It is at this point that newsman leans out a window of the second floor of the bank, quickly lowering a mike boom. Sylvia sees this above her head. ON MORETTI unhappy, looking around at Sheldon, who shrugs. He did what he had to do. ON SONNY Suddenly realizing what control he has, enjoying it. He turns mockingly his left and his right profile to cameras. INT. TENEMENT HALLWAY A FAT WOMAN runs heavily, stumbling, a delighted grin on her face, up the stairs PAST CAMERA, yelling to someone unseen upstairs. FAT WOMAN Vi! Oh, Jesus. Vi! Turn on the TV, turn the TV on, you can see it's him. INT. VI'S APARTMENT - DAY Small, jammed with little things of sentimental value and cheap furniture, clean, but well-worn. VI, a small woman in her fifties, with a perpetual smile, and the sweating Fat Woman trot in, just as Vi's HUSBAND, a dour man in his fifties, is exiting. FAT WOMAN ...I swear to God it looked just like him! He hesitates in the doorway as the two women rush to the TV which is already on, the station showing live coverage of the bank robbery. On SCREEN, Sonny can be seen ordering the cops around. Moretti looks furious. ON THE TV SET VI (as the recognizes Sonny) Oh, My God in Heaven! TV NEWSMAN ...the robber, whose identity is not known, came out of the bank, with a hostage, Mrs. Sylvia Ball... FAT WOMAN (proud) Did I tell you? He looks good! IMAGE OF SYLVIA ON TV VI What's he doin' this for? He didn't tell me he needed money. He would of told me. TV NEWSMAN ...Mrs. Ball, is everyone all right in the bank? HUSBAND Why rob a bank when you got a sucker for a mother? SYLVIA Oh, yeah, the one girl was cryin', but we're havin' a ball, so far, if just nobody shoots... VI Why didn't he tell me? NEWSMAN What about the man inside the bank? What is he doing? HUSBAND I just hope he gives the wrong name. He reaches for TV to turn it off. Vi stops him. SYLVIA Sal? He never talks, only goes: 'Sonny, you want me to shoot that one, this one.' HUSBAND Is that all there is -- that little bastard down there in the bank? TV NEWSMAN Mrs. Ball, do you think they might shoot, if they get desperate? VI You got money for the subway? SYLVIA Hey, wait, he's goin' back in. (she turns OUT OF PICTURE) FAT WOMAN Subway! It's a special occasion -- take a cab, for God's sake! NEW IMAGE Sonny returning toward bank. EXT. BANK - DAY TWO SHOT - SONNY AND MORETTI as they shake hands. As Sonny starts into the bank first, he holds the door open, waiting for Sylvia. In the meantime, the 2nd-floor media man yells down to her. SYLVIA (looking up toward them) I gotta go now. MEDIA (2ND FLOOR) Hey, lady... you're out now. Stay out! Sonny, waiting patiently, holds door open for her. SYLVIA They're my girls. They need me in there. And she walks through the door past Sonny and into the bank. Moretti yells up at the media to get the hell away and at the same time, turns to a nearby cop and gives orders for the air conditioning to be turned off inside the bank. As the crowd realizes what has happened, they APPLAUD and SCREAM. At the door: ANGLE IN BANK DOOR as Sonny turns to grin and wave back at crowd. CUT TO: INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny and Sylvia walk into bank and head for the group at the rear. Mulvaney is seated at his desk, but the rest of the girls are standing around the vault area. Sylvia heads for the girls as Sonny walks toward Sal. SYLVIA Hey, girls -- I was on television... MULVANEY (to passing Sonny) What about Howard? Sonny makes reassuring gesture to let him know Howard is safe. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Turn on the TV. Mulvaney turns on the TV set. In the meantime, Sylvia has reached the other girls. GIRLS What happened? And Sylvia begins to recount the events out on the street, mainly about herself as a television celebrity. ANGLE ON TV SET as we see the image of a TV NEWSMAN across the street. Then, as his director CUTS, we will see on the TV set an ANGLE ON THE BANK AS SEEN FROM ACROSS THE STREET. The TV Cameraman ZOOMS and the TV image ZEROES IN through the door to show a partially-screened but quite clear image of Sonny, talking to Sal. SONNY (to Sal) The whole media is out there... it looks a lot better for us than it did before... ON SAL absorbing this... TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) We can see the robbers inside the bank, and we're trying now to establish contact. THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING. TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) We're on the telephone to the bank manager, Patrick J. Mulvaney... Mister Mulvaney... Mulvaney answers the phone. MULVANEY'S VOICE (V.O.) Yes, I can hear you. SONNY serious, nodding to Sal. TV NEWSMAN'S VOICE (V.O.) Can you put the robber on the phone? Will he talk to us? MULVANEY'S VOICE (V.O.) You wanna talk to him... Sonny... Sonny turns, trying to understand... NEW ANGLE SONNY What? MULVANEY The TV... they want to talk to you... He holds out the phone. Sonny walks over to him and takes the receiver. On the TV screen, we can see him doing this. SONNY (into phone) Yeah? Who's this? WABC TV NEWSMAN Sir, you're on the air. I wonder if you'd answer a few questions. SONNY (to Sal) Hey, Sal... (to phone) Sure. TV NEWSMAN Why are you doing this? SONNY Doing what? TV NEWSMAN Robbing a bank. SONNY I don't know... It's where they got the money. I mean, if you want to steal, you go to where they got the money, right? Jenny now edges over and sits on top of Edna's desk. TV NEWSMAN But I mean, why do you need to steal? Couldn't you get a job? SONNY Get a job doing what? You gotta be a member of a union, no union card - no job. To join the union, you gotta get the job, but you don't get the job without the card. TV NEWSMAN What about, ah, non-union occupations? SONNY Like what? Bank teller? What do they get paid - (now looks over at girls who offer the information - $135.37) they pay one hundred thirty-five dollars and thirty-seven cents to start. I got a wife and kids. I can't live on that -- You want to live on that? What do you make a week? TV NEWSMAN (swiftly, evasive) I'm here to talk to you, Sonny, not... SONNY Wait a minute... I'm talkin' to you. I'm askin' you a question... TV NEWSMAN The audience is interested in you, Sonny... not me. SONNY Yeah! We're hot entertainment, right? You got me and Sal on TV... we're entertainment you sell, right? TV NEWSMAN You're news, Sonny... SONNY How much you have to pay an entertainer to fill this slot? TV NEWSMAN Newsman, not... SONNY Okay, newsman. How much you make a week? (beat) You're not talkin'. You payin' me? What have you got for me? We're givin' you entertainment... what are you givin' us? TV NEWSMAN What do you want us to give you? You want to be paid for... SONNY I don't want to be paid. I'm here with Sal and eight other people... and we're dyin'! They're gonna blow our guts out, man! You're gonna see our brains onna sidewalk! How's that for all you shut-ins and housewives to look at! You gonna help, or you just put it on instead of AS THE WORLD TURNS? We're dyin' here! What have you got for me? TV NEWSMAN You could give up. SONNY Oh yeah? Give up? You ever been in prison? TV NEWSMAN Of course not... SONNY Then talk about somethin' you fuckin' know about... At that instant, the TV screen switches to a PLEASE STAND BY card and we hear an announcer's voice over: ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, our transmission has been temporarily interrupted. Please stand by. Sonny hangs up the phone, looks at Mulvaney, puzzled at the outcome of the conversation. SONNY Why the hell did he do that? What the hell did I do? MULVANEY I guess he didn't appreciate your use of language. They don't speak that way on television. It's a rule. Do you realize you've cut off a valuable source of communication? Sonny now moves over to Sal. SONNY Okay, Sal... what do we do? SAL (no answer) SONNY I figure maybe we can get the FBI to make a deal... SAL What kind of a deal? SONNY Maybe we can get outta this thing alive... get 'em to drop the kidnapping charges... SAL What do you mean? You talkin' about coppin a plea? SONNY (starts to speak, but Sal interrupts) SAL ...because if you're talking about coppin' a plea, I'm tellin' you right now, there's no deal... I'm never going back to prison... We got our own deal already... Do you remember the pact we made? You and me and Jackie - that night in the bar... we were talkin' about if we get trapped in the bank, what are you gonna do... Right? What did we say? What did we say! SONNY We'd kill ourselves. SAL Does that still go? PHONE RINGS. SONNY We're not there yet. PHONE CONTINUES TO RING. Sonny now walks over to the ringing phone on Edna's desk. Jenny, sitting on top of the desk, thinks the call is from her husband, starts to reach for it but as she does, Sonny grabs it away from her. SONNY You're on the phone! 1ST CRANK (V.O.) Kill them all. Now. It's a heavy adhesive voice that can be heard clearly throughout the bank. SONNY Kill them all now? You fuckin' creep! Don't call here again! Sonny slams down the receiver, looks around at the group. SONNY You see what we're dealing with? They want me to kill all of you! MULVANEY What now, Sonny? SONNY Wait a minute... I've been looking at this all wrong... Let's look at it the other way... He crosses over to Sal. SONNY Look, we gotta get a jet outta here... outta the country. We gotta get a helicopter. Okay, Sal? We get a helicopter on the roof to take us to the jet and we fly to the sunny Caribbean. Algeria. We got to look at the bright side. We got 'em by the balls, we got the hostages, we can get anything we want. They gotta give it to us. Edna exits ladies room as Sonny crosses back to the phone, picks it up. SONNY (into phone) Get me Moretti. Now Sonny turns and speaks to the group. SONNY We're all gonna get outta here. You're all gonna be all right. I'm gonna ask for a helicopter and a jet... and we're gonna get outta here alive... You've all been all right with me and as long as it stays that way, then things are gonna be all right - as long as you cooperate... (into phone) Moretti, I want to talk to you. I'm comin' out. Sonny slams the phone down and walks over to Sal, rifle still in his hands. SONNY You realize, Sal, that we're gonna get outta the country, so if you wanna talk to somebody, do it now... You gotta Mother or a Father? Friends? (Sal nods no) If we gotta be outside the country, where do you wanna go? Any country. Just name a country. SAL Wyoming. SONNY (stopped for a moment) Wyoming... That's not out of the country -- that's in the United States... Look, I'll be back. Sonny starts to walk toward the door. As he does, Sal calls back to him. SAL Sonny! Gimme the gun. You don't need that. Sonny realizes what he's saying and crosses back to Sal and hands him the gun, then moves toward the front door. EXT. BANK - DAY Much as before. Sonny steps out. The guns start to come up. SONNY Put them down. The Cops lower their weapons. Moretti comes out on the sidewalk. He's eating an ice cream bar, and stands seemingly at ease, an island of calm control in a storm of passion about to be let loose. The Cops are always about to explode. MORETTI Sonny, ya want somethin'? Sonny is about to open his mouth when a medium-size dark- haired Man who has been standing among people behind the barriers puts his head down and runs at astonishing speed right across the street towards Sonny. He catches everybody so by surprise he is already on Sonny before anyone can do more than start to yell at him to stop. Sonny, himself, can't believe it! He is slammed to the ground and the Man begins to punch him and beat him viciously. Cops charge in and with great difficulty pull him off. YELLING on the radio network; TV Reporters and the crowd up and SCREAMING for blood! CLOSE ANGLE as Moretti steps in. Sonny gets up, dazed. The Man goes on kicking and fighting Cops... MORETTI Who the hell is that? ANGLE SHOWING DOOR OF BANK Mulvaney stands in the door... MORETTI (to Maria's boy friend) Hey! What the fuck you tryin' to do? You don't think the whole police department can do the job? MARIA'S BOY FRIEND I think he's got Maria in there, and I see blood, man! I wanta jam him up... MORETTI Jesus, the Spanish! You gotta do it yourself, right? Eye for an eye! Go wan get outa here, we'll take care of her. (turns to Sonny) You okay, Sonny? Boy, he hung a couple good ones on you there! MULVANEY (from door; alarmed) Sal wants to see Sonny. He says he'll shoot unless he can see Sonny. He means Sal. Sonny, dazed and bleeding, reels to the door and calls in... Sal now stands alone behind 3rd pillar. SONNY It's okay, Sal. He turns back to face Moretti, Sylvia, Mulvaney. SONNY (continuing; hurt, wondering) He wanted to kill me! MORETTI It's okay, you got a lot of protection. CLOSE - SONNY Looking around, bewildered, the crowd is YELLING and now it sounds unfriendly. He is really shaken up... He shakes himself -- stops that line and starts over in a business- like tone. SONNY I want a helicopter to get outa here! And a jet to take us to... (cagey) ...wherever we want to go. Outa the country, so no little jets. A big one with a bar and a piano lounge. MORETTI I don't know, Sonny. I don't know if the helicopters can land in here. I'll have to check it out. I got superiors, unnerstan? They don't always see eye to eye with me. I'll do what I can. Sonny looks him in the eye. Suddenly he makes kissing motions and sounds with his lips. We know what he's referring to: he thinks Moretti's trying to fuck him over. MORETTI (continuing) Sonny, be reasonable! SONNY I want to see my wife. I want you to bring her down here. MORETTI Okay, what do you give me? SONNY What do you want? MORETTI The girl hostages. SONNY Nothin' doin'. I give you one hostage when you bring my wife, and one for the helicopter, one for the jet, and the rest can come home on the jet. MORETTI (kiss) I'll see what they'll do. Sonny smiles and pantomimes kissing. MORETTI Okay, you pick out who you're gonna give us. Where's your wife? EXT. ROCKAWAY BEACH - DAY There's Heidi. Her body lies exactly as before, baking in the sun. The transistor RADIO plays... she seems to be asleep... RADIO ...the leader of the pair, a Vietnam veteran, Sonny Abramowicz, has demanded in return for releasing one of the hostages that police allow his wife to visit him at the bank. Police spokesman... Heidi sits bolt upright, stares at the radio, which continues to blather on. Abruptly she begins to gather up her things, her children, in a characteristically scatter-brained and hyperactive sort of way. Heidi is a one woman panic: she hustles away across the broiling sand carrying the radio wadded up in towels, and lugging a child, crying helplessly, by one elbow, as though it were a handle, a silhouette against the late afternoon sun, out of Fellini... meanwhile on the SOUND TRACK we are hearing her voice. It is a breathless, harsh childish voice that pours out the words in a torrent: HEIDI (V.O.) The transistor goes Sonny what? I couldn't believe my ears, so I shut the transistor, get outta here, who needs this? I say Sonny didn't do it. It's not him to rob a bank. It's not him to hurt anybody, to threaten anybody, to steal or do anything wrong. 'Cause he's never done nothin' wrong from the day I know him. She is stumping off into the sunset as she says these words and we CUT TO: EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - DAY Out of a subway crowd, she struggles, pulling the two kids by the hand, a very ordinary woman in a most ordinary New York scene... HEIDI (V.O.) ...Only he tells me this and he tells me that, he's with the Mafia, I say, Sonny, where do you get the money, you're on welfare, how can you rent a new Eldorado, red, you don't like the color you rent a yellow. EXT. HEIDI'S APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY A working class block, dirty, shops in the first floor, three story walk-ups above... Heidi appears and runs up the stoop. TWO COPS get out of a squad car where they've been staked out and move up to her. They never really get in a word edgewise. They follow her into the hall... Now as we CUT CLOSER to her, we will SEE Heidi's mouth in SYNC with the words... HEIDI So night before last we're at Coney Island, he's on the rides with the kids, an' I have this habit of goin' in glove compartments an' all, an' I see... INT. HALL - DAY Heidi struggles up the stairs, dragging the kids -- the cops following... HEIDI this gun with bullets in there, an' I go to myself, oh God, Sonny! That's all I had to see, I didn't say anything. She's got her door unlocked. Below and on the stairs behind the Cops, curious neighbors peer in... INT. HEIDI'S APARTMENT - DAY Chaos out of cut-rate furniture stores. Full of unwashed glasses, kids' clutter. Throughout, the children rush around unchecked. Neighbors enter without ceremony and listen. The Cops stand, trying vainly to communicate... As they enter... HEIDI (continuing) And things are adding in my head, how crazy he's been acting, and in with a bad crowd, an' I look at him, he's yellin' at the kids like a madman. So inna car I said to him, Sonny, what you gonna do with the gun? You gonna shoot me and dump my body inna river or what? I was so scared of him, I never been scared of Sonny never. You know, his mother says the cops was always at our house, we was always fighting. I hit him with the jack in the car once, but I only missed and hit myself, you should of seen my leg. And all he would ever do is put on his coat and go out. So they say it's Sonny but I don't believe it. COP 1 Lady, you saw him. You saw his gun. HEIDI He might of done it, his body functions might of done it, but not he himself. INT. BANK - LATE AFTERNOON - APPROX. 5 PM The group is now situated like this: 1) MULVANEY'S DESK - the TV is on; seated in his chair, filing her nails is MIRIAM. Seated to her left, having pulled the chair a patron uses, is MARIA, watching TV and listening to her transistor radio, against her left ear, at the same time. MULVANEY (at back water cooler - will eventually move back to his desk, sit down to Miriam's right.) 2) EDNA - is now behind the Tellers' cages, straightening up the mess; she picks up the loose money that Sonny had scattered thru the air, puts them into packets and ties them with rubber bands. 3) SAL - is seated in the rear Conference room, still holding his rifle, feet up on the table. 4) MULVANEY & DEBORAH - at the rear water cooler (from which she will move to see what's wrong with Margaret) 5) MARGARET - seated at her desk, obviously ill, wiping her forehead, head bowed. 6) SYLVIA and JENNY - at far right table, doing a crossword puzzle. 7) SONNY - pacing back and forth Mulvaney's desk, posing a legal puzzle for Maria. Sonny, his gun now lying across the top of Mulvaney's desk, is pacing back and forth between the desk areas. He's talking to Maria in particular, but anyone in earshot in general. SONNY Let's say I put a gun to your head and I tell you to kill a cop... and you did. Who'd go to the electric chair... you or me? MARIA You would... you told me to do it. SONNY But you shot him. MIRIAM (joining in) But you told her to. SONNY Yeah - But you did it. Deborah crosses to Margaret who is ill. Deborah goes to Sylvia - who returns with her her to Margaret. It should begin getting dark in through here. It is very hot and sweaty in the bank. OPEN SCENE ON: CLOSE MULVANEY ON PHONE He is sweating, worried. He is listening to a conversation we can HEAR... as it goes on SHOT WIDENS to reveal the others in various postures of waiting. Sal more disheveled, Sonny's restlessness is unabated; he paces about like a caged animal. The voice on the phone is breathy and youthful: Sonny has been listening for a long time. JESUS FREAK (V.O.) Jesus Christ is coming back and he's really pissed. SONNY (gently) Yeah, well I don't blame him. JESUS FREAK (V.O.) You know, Sonny, I used to dope a lot, and I was into dipping? And I did a couple bank jobs, and the Lord Jesus in his everlasting mercy saved me, you know how? Sonny is desperate to get off the phone but doesn't dare risk the wrath of God by hanging up on this guy. He might have the secret after all. SONNY No. Look, we're kind of.... JESUS FREAK (V.O.) That's why I can talk to you, as an equal, Sonny. You got to merge your whole soul with God. And then you are Him and one with the Holy Ghost. SONNY Yeah, well... maybe you better talk to one of these others, okay? JESUS FREAK (V.O.) Sonny? Don't send me away! I can help you save your soul ... Sonny hangs up. Deborah moves to Margaret, who is ill. She goes to tell Sylvia who immediately crosses to Margaret. ANGLE ON MARGARET & SYLVIA SYLVIA The air conditioning is off or something. (Looks at Margaret) she's sick. Sonny runs around, notices her - sees that air conditioner is off. SONNY Where's the air conditioning? MULVANEY I don't know, Sonny... on the roof somewhere I guess. SONNY (improv. about going out back to find the air conditioning mechanism) Sonny moves toward Sal in the Conference room. Mulvaney follows discreetly behind him. SONNY Sal, I'm gonna take a look at the air conditioning. Sonny and Mulvaney start to move out toward the back door area. SONNY (to Mulvaney) Do you think we can turn it on? MULVANEY I don't know. At this point, Sal calls out to Sonny, and gets up to move to him. SAL Sonny - SONNY Yeah... SAL I never been up in a plane before. SONNY It's nothing - it just goes up - it's the safest thing in the world. Safer than a car. Don't worry about it, Sal - it'll be all right... they're great... And Sonny and Mulvaney exit toward rear of bank. INT. BANK - BACK DOOR AREA - LATE AFTERNOON (APPROX. 5 PM) Sonny and Mulvaney move toward the back door and stop under a trap door in the ceiling. Mulvaney looks up at it. MULVANEY It's gonna be up there. As Sonny is staring up at the trap door, thinking about what to do, he hears a tiny scratching SOUND. SONNY What's that? Sonny, tensing like an animal, peers around wildly to locate the source of the little scratching SOUND: like mice at a steel door. ON SONNY who quickly runs back toward the desk area. ON GROUP - DESKS' AREA Sonny races back in, grabs the gun from atop Mulvaney's desk, and with the cartridge in the other hand, runs back toward the back door again, jamming cartridge into rifle. At this point, Sal runs in from the Conference room, covering everyone point-blank again, yelling for Edna to join the rest of the group. SONNY (whispering) They're trying to come through the door! SAL (to Edna) Everybody! Back here! Edna quickly obeys, moving quickly to the rest of the group. ON BACK DOOR AREA as Sonny races toward Mulvaney and back door with gun. ANGLE ON MULVANEY Somebody or something is working on the other side of the door! NEW ANGLE ON SONNY as he moves back from the door, turns and levels the rifle on the back door... MULVANEY Sonny, if you shoot, shoot high... my car's parked out there. ON SONNY staring at the door. He hears the continued scratching noise and might even see the door knob move. Abruptly he swings the rifle up so the bullet going through will clearly go over the head of any man, out through the transom. He FIRES. ANGLE ON INSIDE - SAL AND GROUP They all scream, some of them falling to the floor, huddling together in terror. SONNY - AND GROUP Sonny races back into main area where Sal covers group. SAL (to group) Get over here! Get over here! EXT. BANK - REAR DOOR - LATE DAY A knot of half a dozen police are working at the door. Two were trying to work tubes under it to pump in gas, others were trying a nylon line to the doorknob, the idea being that if Sonny came out that way, the moment he began to open the door the cops would yank it open, exposing him completely and gun him down. The cops SCREAM as the SHOT comes through the door, showering them with brick fragments. They scramble over cars, over each other, over fences, running into other cops, who also, not knowing what's happening, turn and flee, running into the crowd, which panics. VARIOUS ANGLES on men, women, children, cops, detectives, dogs, cats, reporters, all in the area of the rear of the bank fleeing in waves over fences, cars, etc. A flood of people like lemmings. This is INTERCUT BY: INT. BANK 1) MARGARET fainting. 2) SAL herds group into vault area. 3) SONNY dashing back and forth into rear bank area. ANGLE ON BARBER SHOP Moretti, Sheldon, others come charging out, wondering what the hell, pulling guns out. BACK OF BANK The cops, safely distanced and back in cover, peek out at: BANK DOOR It is okay. RADIO NETWORK (V.O.) What's happening? He shot through the door. Is he coming out? Can you see in... (Etc., etc.) ON MORETTI reaches out his hand for a bullhorn that is thrust into it immediately. MORETTI (on bullhorn) Sonny! A few louts in the crowd yell out in imitation: LOUTS Sonny! MORETTI Sonny! CROWD (echoing) Sonny! Moretti shrugs off his irritation and raises the bullhorn one more time: the crowd is ready and SCREAMS in unison as Moretti says: MORETTI & CROWD Sonny! You could hear it for a half a mile! Sonny starts to yell at Moretti. SONNY (inside bank) What the hell you doin' back there? MORETTI Sonny, come on out! Sonny walks over to Sal, gives him the rifle. SONNY Sal, watch 'em... I'm goin' out. ANGLE ON BANK as Sonny comes charging out. SONNY What the fuck do you want? MORETTI They were... SONNY You tryin' to fuck me? MORETTI No, I'm not tryin' to fuck you. SONNY So, what were they doin'? You're tellin' me you had nothin' to do with that back there? MORETTI I swear to God I had nothing to do with it... SONNY Bullshit... I don't walk to talk to you... MORETTI Wait a minute... everything you asked for is on the way... SONNY Yeah... MORETTI Is on its way... The helicopter can't land but we got a bus... the jet's on its way to Kennedy... we got a bus coming here... SONNY You're full of shit... MORETTI Sonny, your wife's on the way... We reached her... your wife's on the way... everything you asked for, you got. SONNY Well, what were you doin' back there? MORETTI It can't happen again... I'll do everything I can to stop anything I can... SONNY You know, you're telling me that a helicopter can't land here... MORETTI Can't land... you'd kill people... SONNY Don't fuck with me... MORETTI I'm not... I'm not... you're gettin' a bus... you're gettin' a bus... the jet's comin' into Kennedy... and your wife's on the way... what else do you need? What else can I get you? Listen, I don't know how you can do better... see that man over there... the FBI guy... SONNY Just one more explosion like that and you're gonna see a dead body... MORETTI There won't be... there won't be... What else do you need? How else can we help you? SONNY All right... I got some hungry people in there... I want to get some pizza... some stuff like that... MORETTI What else? SONNY Cokes, seven-ups... (Moretti repeats) also some aspirin... MORETTI Aspirins... okay you got it. (turns behind him to a near-by cop) Charlie! Six pizzas! SONNY Okay... Sonny turns and walks back into the bank. INT. BANK - DAY ANGLE ON SAL WITH THE GROUP as Sonny enters and walks toward Sal. SONNY Okay... okay... all right, Sal, it's okay. I got everything straightened out... it's gonna be okay. SAL Get over there! SONNY Look, I talked to him and it's not going to be a helicopter - they can't land on top of the roof - so they're comin' with a big... limousine bus and they'll take us to the airport - and they're gonna get a jet... so things are rollin'... They're movin'... I also ordered some food... I got some pizzas for us, all right? I got some things to drink - I got sodas... I even asked them for aspirins... I'm doin' what I can... now I gotta pay for the pizza... where are the marked bills? He now walks behind Tellers' cages and picks up some of the decoy money that Edna had started to clean up and re-stack. Mulvaney walks over to him. MULVANEY Are we going to get the ball rolling? SONNY What are you talking about? What do you think I'm doin'? I'm gettin' the ball rollin'. I'm keeping these people happy... I'm keeping you happy... I gotta keep the cops cooled out... I gotta do everything... I gotta pay for the pizza .. I'm workin' on it, do you know what I mean? I'm workin' on it... Jesus Christ! I gotta do it all... I got all the ideas... you want me to give you the gun? You want to take it over? Sonny walks to the front door with the money. EXT. BANK DOOR - DAY as Sonny appears in it. NEW ANGLE TO REVEAL THE DELIVERY BOY guarded by a couple of cops. DELIVERY BOY You the guy wanted the pizza? Sonny grabs bills from the wad he holds and thrusts them at him. DELIVERY BOY It's paid for. (looks at Moretti; Moretti nods) SONNY Keep the change... As the cops reach for the money, knowing it's bank money, people in the crowd yell: CROWD AD LIBS Hey, over here! Hey, robber! How about a thousand! Throw some over here! Hey, no shit, I need an operation, I don't even have a job... (Etc.) Sonny holds up the money. The crowd cheers. He throws the wad of bills and it scatters in the air. The WIND is blowing now. Even some cops join the ensuing melee to gather it up... VARIOUS ANGLES as cops move forward and try to catch the bills. Some blow into the crowd. Fights break out in the crowd as they scramble for the money. The crowd breaks the barriers and swarms after the cash. Cops try to retrieve bills; fist fights, arrests. MORETTI staring at the mess. Sonny also watching the people. There is in both of them the same reaction of faint disgust at the greed unleashed. Sonny angrily hurls another bundle after the first... then laughs as he watches the people fighting. Moretti nods ironically at him. Sonny turns and enters the bank with the food. The fighting goes on in the street. INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny enters carrying food. SONNY Okay - Chow! He puts it down in front of Mulvaney, on Mulvaney's desk. Mulvaney looks at it, sickly. As Mulvaney looks up at Sonny: SONNY You eat it first. I don't know if they put something in it. EXT. SIDEWALK NEAR BANK - DAY Moretti, Sheldon, other top cops march fast-time toward the barrier where uniformed cops stand around a limousine that has drawn up to the barrier. It is full of white-haired officials, one of them the COMMISSIONER. He has a voice broken by whiskey, cigars, good food and yelling at football games. DOLLY AT A LOW DRAMATIC ANGLE WITH MORETTI AND ETC. It looks like they may be going into action. Moretti's attitude is not that subtly different now he's talking to brass. Commissioner doesn't get out; he talks through window. The Commissioner's hand, pudgy and freckled with age, covers Moretti's where it rests on the door: he massages Moretti's hand fondly. COMMISSIONER Gene -- you smilin'? MORETTI No. I never smile any more. COMMISSIONER Whattaya think: we gonna kill any civilians tonight, Gene? MORETTI I never make bets or guesses, that way I'm never wrong and I never have to pay out. COMMISSIONER Gene, Jesus, what a bull he is! A lot of comfortable CHUCKLES inside the limo. The Commissioner's hand lingers on Moretti's -- they are fond of each other, these men, linked in a relationship of a lifetime of shared experience, of attitudes, of maleness -- an accumulation of years of jokes about being late for dinner, of women waiting and women panting with desire, men secure in the bastion of their roles. What is being passed on here is a purely emotional force of approval and acceptance from top to bottom of a social institution that is the last totally masculine society: police. The homosexual content of this should not be lost: it lies in the comfortable fit of their feelings, in the fact, simply, that they love each other, for what they share. MORETTI So whatsa deal? COMMISSIONER They jet's comin' out. But don't let 'em off the ground. MORETTI What if we gotta kill a whole lot of people? COMMISSIONER Don't let 'em off the ground. MORETTI Listen. He leans down to get close to his commissioner, because he's not fooled by the camaraderie into a false sense of security. TIGHTER TWO SHOT - MORETTI AND COMMISSIONER COMMISSIONER (anticipating) If you're right I'm gonna back you a hundred percent, you know that. MORETTI (pleasantly) Fuck you, sir - if I'm right, I don't need you. What I want is - if I make an honest mistake I want help. The Commissioner nods - presses a button and the window goes up to keep the air conditioning in and the heat out. INT. BANK - LATE AFTERNOON - APPROX. 5 PM - MAIN BANK AREA as we hear Jenny on the phone with her husband. Sonny is doing the manual of arms with his rifle. JENNY ...well, just pick him up and hold him. No, he's not spoiled, he's just got to settle his stomach after eating. He's used to me feeding me, that's all. At one point, Sonny starts to show Miriam how to hold the gun and in mock seriousness, she tries to do the manual of arms. WE DRIFT TOWARD THE BACK CONFERENCE ROOM where Sal is seated at the Conference table, rifle on the table. Edna and Sylvia are also seated there. Maria enters. SYLVIA Somebody give me a cigarette. Maria walks over to her, offering her one, then remembers: MARIA Sylvia, you don't smoke. SYLVIA I never smoked before in my life but I got a right to start now if I want to. SAL You don't smoke... why do you want to start now. SYLVIA Because I'm scared, that's why. You never smoked? SAL I used to, but I stopped. SYLVIA You stopped? Why? SAL Because I don't want cancer. SYLVIA You don't want cancer? You're about to get your head blown off, you're worried about cancer. (to Maria) Gimme the cigarette. Maria starts to hand one to her. SAL No! I'm not kidding. Don't you understand? You're pure! SYLVIA Pure? SAL You shouldn't start now. SYLVIA For God's sake! As soon as I'm outta this bank robbery, I'm gonna stop... okay? SAL Go ahead. Do what you want to do. I hate to see you break a perfect record. You oughta take care of your body. SYLVIA My body? What for? SAL Your body is the temple of the Lord. SYLVIA (staring at him) You're serious! SAL You're really pure, you know? You got a perfect record. You never used that stuff to ruin your body, why start now? SYLVIA You know, you remind me of my 19- year-old brother - only he's got his hair down to his knees - he looks like something that eats berries and roots out of the ground. God forbid I should say something to him like, 'Listen, if you ever smoke marijuana, just remember that it's illegal' and he storms outta the house. You rob a bank, but you keep your body pure, is that it? SAL You gonna smoke the cigarette? SYLVIA Yes... Sal gets up and starts to leave the room... SYLVIA (calling to him) Sal... If I die of cancer it's going to be half your fault. Sylvia grabs the cigarette from Maria. SAL (exiting) No - it's because you're weak. Sonny continues with "Manual of Arms" business with rifle. Mulvaney is on the phone. MULVANEY (overlapping Janet into phone) Mulvaney... (listens) JANET (into phone) I don't know. MULVANEY (to Sonny) It's for you. Moretti. Sonny takes the phone... SONNY Yeah? MORETTI We're bringing in your wife... ON SONNY He comes alert, looks around at Sal, nods, and starts for the door of the bank, turns to Sal. SONNY (gives him gun) They've got my wife. They're bringing her in. He exits bank. Sal walks toward the door, stops behind the first post. EXT. FRONT OF APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY The fire escape with the old lady and her jigsaw puzzle, the flak vested snipers, etc. Below in the street a police car plows through the crowd with red lights flashing but no sirens -- or perhaps just a low growl to help move the human sea aside. People are leaning over trying to see inside. BARBER SHOP Moretti and Sheldon and staff move out into the street. The cop car is moving through police lines, cops lifting barricades aside to let it pass. MOVING SHOT with Moretti and others as they move to intercept the police car where it will stop on the corner. As they stop, we can see Sonny step into the door of the bank, in the distance. He is greeted with CHEERS from the crowd. But is intent on the car. We are NOW SHOOTING ACROSS THE CAR, OVER MORETTI'S BACK TOWARD THE BANK and Sonny. The DRIVER of the police car gets out, with a huge grin on his face and nods to Moretti. The back door opens and another cop gets out, also grinning. They look around toward Sonny, as his wife gets out of the police car, on this side. She is spectacularly good looking in a lithe cruel sort of way, like Lauren Bacall, but right now she is a mess. CUT TO: EXT. BANK as Sonny sees Leon get out of the car. SONNY Leon! Leon! Over here! Happy Birthday, Leon! ON LEON who doesn't hear Sonny calling, the detectives and Moretti start to take him to the barbershop. MORETTI (to cop driver) What's that? COP DRIVER We went to the hospital, where he told us - and asked for his wife. He... (indicates Leon) ...says they got married in a church. MORETTI Jesus! They continue along the sidewalk. Leon, coming to, starts to look around him. He sees Sonny. ON SONNY as he yells again to Leon. SONNY Leon! Happy Birthday! ON LEON who faints. FULL SHOT The crowd yelling in increasing waves of SOUND; Moretti and cops pick up Leon and rush him toward the barbershop. ANGLE ON SONNY who dashes toward the bank door, enters. INT. BANK - DAY as Sonny comes running in. Sylvia is now showing off her new-found expertise with a cigarette to Miriam, Jenny and Deborah, seated around Edna's desk. (Deborah is talking on the phone.) Meanwhile, Edna is back in the Conference Room with Mulvaney; Margaret is seated at her desk, speaking on the phone; Maria, speaking on phone, is seated at Mulvaney's desk - where television is still on. Sonny, wanting to use a phone, realizes that all are in use, rushes to a desk at the front of the bank. Sal follows him there. Sonny grabs a phone. SONNY (into phone) Get me Moretti! INT. BARBERSHOP where Moretti and cops are trying to revive Leon. A cop at the phone turns to Moretti. COP ON PHONE Moretti - he wants to talk to you. Moretti walks over to phone, takes receiver from cop. INT. BANK Sonny waiting for Moretti to answer phone. SONNY Is he all right? Is he all right? MORETTI (V.O.) He's all doped up. SONNY I want to talk to him. MORETTI (V.O.) He's groggy, Sonny. Let me get him on his feet and he'll call you back. (hangs up) INT. BARBERSHOP as Moretti hangs up phone and walks over to Leon, who now has a glass of water and a cold towel. MORETTI Leon? Whatsa matter? They give you a shot down the hospital or what? LEON Oh, God, they shot me with like unreal! MORETTI Well, you got to get hold of yourself. You got to talk to him, tell him to give himself up. LEON Oh no! MORETTI He's got eight people in there with him. He's got this kid with him... they're gonna shoot the people. LEON I can't help it. I can't stop him from anything. MORETTI If he won't listen to you, who will he listen to? LEON He won't listen to anybody. He's been very crazy all summer. Since June he's been trying to kill me. MORETTI You try calling the police? LEON What good is that? They couldn't stop him. And it'd just make him mad. They don't know him. MORETTI Somebody's got to stop him, Leon. LEON He was under great strain: you don't understand, he's a very mixed up person. MORETTI He's makin' threats in there. LEON He's scared. It's crazy. I never met anyone like him. His wife, he's a wonderful father to his children. His mother - you should see her - his mother and father together are like a bad car wreck - he lets it all slide off his back, he sees them, he pays their rent. Unbelievable. I wanted to get married... He didn't really want it... he's married already! But he did it. I don't know why. I thought it would help me, but it didn't. I was just as confused and unhappy was before; I did terrible things. MORETTI What kind of things, Leon? LEON Ten days I spent in Atlantic City - Sonny was frantic - he knew I was drinking; he didn't know where I was... who I was with. I couldn't explain why I did the things I did. So I went to this psychiatrist who explained to me I was a woman in a man's body. So Sonny right away wanted to get me money for a sex change operation: but where was he to get that? 2500 dollars! My God, he's in hock up to his ears already. MORETTI He needed money? For the operation for you? LEON It made him crazy - so much demand, he'd fly into this rages. And I got more depressed than ever; I saw I'd never get the operation. So I tried to take my life - I swallowed about a half pound of pills... blues, reds, yellows, downers, uppers, screamers... you name it. But I just threw them up and wound up in the hospital. Sonny comes there and looks at me and just says: 'Wow!' So when I hear he's in the bank, I almost go crazy because I know he's doin' it for me. MORETTI Well, don't you figure you owe to him to get him out of there? LEON I can't talk to him. MORETTI You're in it up to your ass, Leon. You're an accessory. You talk him out of there and they might be a little more understanding of your case. LEON I'm afraid. MORETTI How is he gonna hurt you on the telephone? LEON I don't know what to say to him. I can't. MORETTI You think it over, Leon. Moretti walks over to the wall phone, picks up the receiver, and waits to be connected with the bank and Sonny. ON LEON Terrified. He really can't do it. ON MORETTI waiting. OMITTED INT. BANK - TURNING DARK NOW as the phone rings. Sonny picks it up, hears Moretti's voice. MORETTI (V.O.) He won't talk to you. Let me work on it. Sonny hangs up. He and Sal walk toward the group at the rear, around the desks. ANGLE ON TELEVISION SCREEN as we see TV newsman speaking. TV NEWSMAN ...police are questioning Leon, a year-old admitted homosexual, who claims to have been married to one of the bank robbers in a ceremony last November... [etc.]... During the speech, Sylvia and her group wander toward Mulvaney's desk to listen, as Edna wanders down from the Conference Room, crosses to the set and turns up the volume. ON SONNY pacing back and forth. They all stare at him. Slowly the group shifts to other positions, without a word being said. ANGLE ON TV SCREEN TV NEWSMAN Our coverage of the Brooklyn robbery where two homosexuals are holding hostages for their demands of a helicopter, a jet, and safe passage out of the country... ANGLE ON SONNY AND SAL SAL Sonny, you hear that? SONNY What? SAL They keep sayin' two homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. I want you to stop them saying that. SONNY That's all they're interested in - it's a freak show to them. I can't control it, Sal - let'em say what they want. Forget it. It don't matter. SOUND OF JET SONNY Where's the god-damn jet? They're always flying overhead - going somewhere. OMITTED EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT FBI snipers area at positions, waiting. A small group of men make a last check. A signal is given. They get in their car and drive away. An FBI sniper lights a cigarette and settles down to wait, moving his rifle to a comfortable position. EXT. APARTMENT HOUSE FIRE ESCAPE - NIGHT The old lady dozes over her puzzle. The police agents are being relieved. Light floods the front of the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT (APPROX. 8 P.M.) Sonny paces back and forth (with ad-lib dialogue to group). Margaret, seated at her desk, has feet up on another chair while Jenny sits on top of her desk. Mulvaney is back at water cooler, starting to feel very ill. Miriam and Deborah are seated at Mulvaney's desk. Edna is seated at her desk, while Sylvia sits on top of desk, talking on phone. Suddenly, the lights go out, leaving only emergency lights on (4 in the main area and 2 at back door area). Sylvia immediately moves over toward the vault area and turns on 2 hand lamps. SAL That's it, Sonny. Both rush toward the front of the bank. They see that even the flood lights are now out, but across the street can still be seen lights in the store windows. Sonny rushes to a near- by phone to try to reach Moretti, but even the phones are dead. They hear Moretti's voice over a bull-horn outside: MORETTI (V.O.) Sonny... Sonny... Come out a minute... Come out a minute... Sonny moves toward the front door. INT. BARBERSHOP - DUSK/NIGHT Moretti and Sheldon are in the barbershop. SHELDON We're all set at Kennedy. MORETTI What makes you think you'll be able to control it? SHELDON He's totally unstable. He'll make a mistake. MORETTI He hasn't so far. I'm the one who can make a mistake. That's what scares the shit out of me. SHELDON Eugene, at 3:07, this became Federal. Why don't I take it over now? CUT TO: EXT. BANK - NIGHT as the door opens and Sonny peeks out, the once-illuminating floodlights now out. SONNY Moretti? What the fuck is goin' on? There's no answer. Sonny steps out into the street. He can't see anything anymore. The atmosphere is suddenly chillingly dangerous: the crowd SHOTS "come out of the dark" and "we can't see from here". The street seems empty except for a few threatening silhouettes of heavily-armed cops. Sonny responds with bluster. SONNY Get the lights back on! He steps out farther into the street. From behind him, SHELDON, the FBI man, approaches. He is alone. Unsmiling. Sonny dashes back into the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny rushes in, warns Sal about the FBI confrontation he's about to have. SONNY Sal - it's the FBI... I'm goin' back out to talk to him. At this, he walks back toward the door and exits the bank again. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sheldon is walking toward Sonny as the latter exits the bank. SONNY What is this? The FBI? Jesus, now we're talkin', maybe we can get this thing moving. As Sheldon reaches him. SONNY First off, get the lights back on and the air conditioning. SHELDON (showing ID) No more favors. That's all over, Sonny. SONNY (sarcastically) Aw, Jesus... you been doin' us favors all night! SHELDON I've got a jet. I'll have airport limousine here in a half hour. I want the hostages. SONNY Bullshit! SHELDON I'd like to work with you on this, not against you. Sonny comes around, looking for Moretti: can't see him. SONNY Well, Jesus, these hostages are keeping me alive. SHELDON Okay, when do I get them? SONNY At the airport. We get on the plane, check it out, and if it's all okay we'll send them out. Except one. SHELDON I want them all. SONNY I want to talk to Leon. Pause, while Sheldon thinks this over. SHELDON I want to come in, and see if everybody's okay. SONNY You got guts. You think if Sal and me have cut their throats we're gonna let you out? SHELDON I have to see. Sonny re-enters bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny goes over to Sal. SONNY It's the FBI. He wants to come in. SAL Have him walk in backwards. Sonny exits bank. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny crosses to Sheldon, grins, grabs him and executes a very professional-looking pat-down search. He removes Sheldon's .38 from a shoulder holster, producing it for the crowd with a flourish like a magician: some of the old playfulness returns for a moment. He carefully and with showbiz flourishes searches Sheldon's thighs and groin. The crowd HOWLS. Sheldon bears it with stoic calm. CLOSE TWO SHOT as Sonny stands up from the search and finds Sheldon's eyes locked to his with flat calm. SONNY Jesus, you'd like to kill me, too. SHELDON I wouldn't like to, but I will, if I have to. SONNY Nothin' personal, huh? The man that kills me, I want him to do it because he hates my guts. Not because it's a job. Okay, let's go... but you gotta walk in backwards. The move toward the door of the bank, where Sonny opens the door, preceding Sheldon, both men entering backwards. INT. BANK - NIGHT Except for the 4 emergency lights, it is very dark - and very hot as Sonny and Sheldon enter the bank. Sal now stands behind the desks, covering Sheldon and the group assembled at the vault. Sheldon takes in every detail as he walks toward the group in the rear, followed closely and covered by Sonny. As they near the desks, Sonny yells out an order for the group: SONNY Nobody give their right name... it's the FBI! SHELDON I just want to see all you young ladies are all all right in here. TWO SHOT - SYLVIA AND SAL She's pissed. SYLVIA Listen, we asked for the jet hours ago, what are you doin' out there? Sheldon is watching Sal, trying to gauge him. This is the first time anyone from outside has seen Sal. SHELDON (his eyes on Sal) It's all being set up, we'll have you out of here in a couple of hours. SYLVIA (to Sheldon) Just give them what they want. Sheldon now walks closer to group, looking into the two small examining rooms as he moves. Sonny covers him every inch of the way. SHELDON They're getting what they want. We just want to be sure we get what we want, which is to get all you ladies out safe. And you two boys, too. Sheldon is now standing very close to Sal. SAL (to Sheldon) You got to talk to the TV, tell them to stop talking about the two homosexuals. I'm not gay... that's the truth. Tell 'em that. SHELDON I will. (he turns to Sonny) Sonny? Outside for a minute? SONNY Sal? SAL They gotta stop sayin' that. EXT. BANK - NIGHT as they (Sheldon and Sonny) exit and stand in the doorway out of earshot of the others. Sheldon is matter-of-fact, but insinuating and conspiratorial. SHELDON Sonny, you handled yourself real well. A lot of men would have choked, and we'd have a lot of chaos and panic and maybe a death or a multiple death on our hands, but you handled it. I respect that. Don't you try to take Sal. We'll handle him. You just sit tight and you won't get hurt. He starts to go. Sonny grabs him. SONNY Wait a minute! What the fuck you tryin' to tell me? SHELDON (quiet) What I said. You just sit quiet and we'll handle Sal. And he turns and starts to walk away, leaving Sonny staring after him. INT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT as Sheldon steps into the door. The place is jammed, Moretti stands inside the door where Sonny could not have possibly seen him. Sheldon quietly turns and stands beside him, both men looking back across the street. MORETTI The little bastard miss me? Sheldon smiles the supercilious Ehrlichman smile of his. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny re-enters. He's restless, hyperactive, constantly moving during this scene; a man with a potentially guilty conscience. Sal moves toward him and both men walk to area in front of the Tellers' cages. SAL What'd he say? SONNY He was talkin' about arrangements... we were talkin' about the TV. SAL Why couldn't he talk about that here? SONNY He was showin' me how the airport bus is comin' in, like that, Sal. (notices Mulvaney start to faint) What's wrong with him? In the rear, Mulvaney slumps into a chair beside Margaret's desk. Sylvia rushes to help him, untying his tie, etc. Maria runs into the Conference room, hoping to find remains of sugar as Deborah crosses to his desk, looking through the drawers for medication. Jenny simply can't cope with it and walks away. SONNY Hey, you okay? SYLVIA He's got diabetes. He's not a well person. SONNY Those bastards -- they poisoned the pizza! Sal - you didn't eat any pizza!? MULVANEY I didn't eat any pizza. SYLVIA I told you, he's got diabetes. SONNY You're supposed to balance your sugar diet, right? Sonny starts to move toward the front door. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny rushes outside. SONNY Hey! Is there a doctor over there? Get him over here! Come on, on the double! Sheldon and a young DOCTOR appear, concerned... SHELDON What's wrong? SONNY The manager, he's diabetic, he's lookin' bad. Sheldon turns, calls out. SHELDON Doctor... A man comes forward - is frisked by Sonny, who then dumps contents of his Black Bag and looks for weapons. Sonny then dashes inside bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny comes in, walks over to Sal. SONNY Sal - the Doctor's coming in. Sonny then rushes back outside bank again. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny crosses to Doctor. SONNY (to Doctor) You go on in... The Doctor hustles past. HOLD on Sheldon. SHELDON (picks up the phone) I've convinced Leon to talk to you. He's on the phone now. Sonny rushes back into Bank. INT. BANK Sonny rushes in. The phone rings. He picks it up. SONNY Hello. Hello, Leon. LEON Hello, Sonny. SONNY How are you doing? LEON Well... I'm out of the hospital. SONNY (pleased) Yeah. You said... I thought you were never getting out? LEON I never thought I'd get out this way. I'll tell you. SONNY Well... huh... LEON Ooohh... SONNY Oh... huh... how you feeling? LEON I'm really shakey. SONNY Well, you know... Moretti told me before that you were drugged up. LEON Yeah. It was terrible. SONNY That... huh... they just shoot you with drugs. LEON You come in and they say, right away, that you are crazy. And they start putting things in your arm... you know. How do they expect you to get uncrazy if you're asleep all the time? SONNY Yeah... LEON You can't talk or do anything. You really feel... you know... I'm just sort of coming out of it now. SONNY (pensive) So... that sure is something. LEON Yeah. So how are you? SONNY (chuckling) Fine, thank you. I'm in trouble. That is... now I am! LEON (chuckling) Yeah... I know. SONNY I don't know what I'm gonna do... you know. Boy... I'm dying. LEON What? What are you talking about? You are dying? Did you ever listen to yourself when you say that? SONNY What are you talking about? LEON What do you mean... what am I talking about? Do you realize that you say that to me every day of your life? I am dying. Do you know... do you realize the death that you are spreading around to the people who are around you? SONNY Now don't give me that deep shit now. Don't start with that shit. LEON No really... I don't think that you realize what it means. The things that you do, Sonny. You put a gun to somebody's head... SONNY I don't know what I'm doing. LEON (annoyed) Yeah... obviously you don't... when you put a gun to somebody's head... and you say go to sleep so that it won't hurt when I pull the trigger. Death? Don't talk about death to me. I have been living with death for the last six months. Why do you think I'm in the hospital? I take a handful of pills to get away from you. And then here I am out of the hospital talking to you on the phone... again. I have no friends left. No job. I can't live. I have to live with people. This death business... I'm sorry! SONNY I'm not on the phone to talk to you about that. Well, I don't know what to say, Leon. When you gimme that... when you hit me with that shit. I mean, what am I supposed to say? LEON (indifferent to Sonny) I'm sorry... SONNY I told you. That I got a lot of pressures. You said to me that you needed money, and I knew that you needed money! I saw you there lying in the hospital like that... and I said... shit, man, I got to get this guy some money. LEON (excited) But I didn't ask you to go rob a bank. SONNY (getting louder) All right. I know you didn't ask me. You didn't ask me but I did it. LEON Well... SONNY I did it on my own. I did this all on my own. I ain't laying it on anybody. Nothing on anybody. I'll tell you something, though, it's about time that I squared away my accounts... you know. I am squaring away my accounts with life. Maybe this whole thing is gonna end, somehow. Maybe it'll just end! Maybe I'll just close my eyes and the whole fucken thing will be over. That would be all right too! I said... I thought I would square it away with you... you know? That I would get you down here and that I would say so long to you... or, if you wanted... you know, to take a trip... LEON What trip? SONNY I'm getting out of here, man. I'm not going to stay here and I'm not giving up. I mean, huh, they're going to kill me, anyway. So fuck it! But, if I can get out of this... I am going to get out. And, how I'm going to do it is to get a jet out of here and I'm flying the fuck out... That's all, Leon. If you want to come with me, then you're entitled... you can come. You're free to do what you want. LEON I'm free to do what I want? And you think I would want to go with you some place on a plane? Where? Where ya going? SONNY I gotta jet coming here and we're gonna try to get the fuck outta this thing. And we're gonna go, man! LEON You're crazy. SONNY That's it. LEON You're really crazy. SONNY I know! LEON Where you gonna go? SONNY Who the fuck knows? I think we're gonna go... we worked it out to Algeria. So, I don't know. So I'll go to Algeria. LEON Why you going to Algeria? SONNY Huh... I don't know. They got Howard Johnson's there. I don't know why the fuck I'm going there for. LEON Howard Johnson's... you're warped. You know that? You're really warped! SONNY I know that. I'm warped... I'm warped! LEON (stuttering) God, Algeria! Do you know there's a bunch of... they walk around there... God! People walk around with masks and things on their heads. They're a bunch of crazy people there. SONNY What am I supposed to do? LEON (bitchy) I don't know... you could have picked a better place. SONNY Denmark? Sweden? LEON (pleased) I like that... yeah! SONNY Sal wanted to go to Wyoming. I told him it wasn't a country. We gotta get outta the country! To hell with a guy who doesn't know where Wyoming is. Okay. Can you imagine what kind of a shape I'm in? Laughter from both Sonny and Leon. LEON So! Sal is with you? SONNY Sal? Yeah... Sal is with me. LEON Oh... wow! Sonny, you're really into one mess now. SONNY I know I am. I know! LEON (making fun of Sonny) Sal... Sal... Naturale, oh boy! SONNY He ain't going out. And if I go out he's just gonna kill the people. There's a lot of lives that I'm responsible for... that's all. So, I can't do anything. I got myself into this mess and I'll get myself out of it... the best way I know how! One of the ways is not giving up. I'm telling ya! LEON Would you do something for me? Please? SONNY What? LEON These guys that got me down here, you know, huh... they think that I'm part of this whole thing. They think I'm part of the plot to rob the bank! SONNY How did they think that? What are they... crazy? What do you mean. That's bullshit, Leon. They're giving you a fucken story. LEON Well... they told me that I was an accomplice... SONNY Oh... they're fucken crazy. That's a snow job. Don't listen to that shit! LEON I gotta listen to it if they think... SONNY Shit... LEON I can't survive in prison, Sonny... SONNY All right. Then what do you want me to say? LEON Sonny, would you please just tell them... please... SONNY Where are they now? Just tell me... are they on the phone now? LEON (meekly) Yeah. SONNY (annoyed) That's great. Just terrific. You talk to me with them on the phone, right? That is really smart. And, you don't tell me? LEON I don't have a choice. SONNY You don't have a choice? LEON No! They're standing all around me. Seven thousand fucken cops... all around me. SONNY Look... who's on the phone? LEON Look... don't throw that on me. SONNY Who's on the phone, now? What do you mean... throw it on you? You knew it, right? LEON Yeah... I knew it. But, what choice do I have? I'm in the hospital; they drag me out of the hospital... bring me down here... SONNY All right, enough! Who the fuck is on the phone... anyway? Is that you Moretti? (angrily into phone) You on the phone? Will somebody talk to me? LEON They won't talk to you. SONNY Are they on the phone still? LEON Yeah... yeah! SONNY (still angry) All right! He didn't do it. All right? Now... would you get the fuck off the phone? I'll bet that really changed them, huh? (calmly to Leon) Anyway, Leon... did I do it for you? LEON Yeah... huh, thank you. I'm going to go back, Sonny, to the hospital. They're really nice people. They're really trying to help me. SONNY That's good then. You've found something. LEON Well... I don't know if I have or not. SONNY Do you still want the operation? LEON (moody) Yeah... yeah. SONNY Well, then... LEON It's my only chance! SONNY I don't know what to say to ya! I guess I just wanted to say I'll see ya... or whatever. LEON Thank you much... and huh, bon voyage. SONNY Right. See you sometime. LEON Yeah... see ya in my dreams, huh? SONNY Yeah... I'll write a song. Ha, ha. I don't know. Life is funny! LEON You said a mouthful... sweetheart! INT. BANK Sonny hangs up, walks back toward rear of bank and picks up receiver again on Edna's desk. SONNY (into phone) You cut off incoming, gimme a line. I want to talk to my wife, I want to say goodbye to my kids. (line is connected, he begins to dial; anguished; to the group) Here I am, I could call, and they'd put anybody on the phone, the Pope, an astronaut, the wisest of the wise and who do I have to call? (to phone; as she answers) Heidi? HEIDI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The TV is on, the kids up and racing around, neighbors pouring beer -- An event! HEIDI (on phone; excited) Hey, Sonny! I'm watchin' it on TV! ON SONNY SONNY What about the kids? ON HEIDI HEIDI They don't know, I sent them to the neighbors. Sonny, Jesus, it's not like you. I can't believe, because you never hurt anybody since the day I knew you. ON SONNY SONNY Heidi, I'm dying. ON HEIDI HEIDI (oblivious) I blame myself, Sonny. I notice you been tense, like something is happening; the night before last you're yellin' at the kids like a madman, believe me. And then you wanted me to go on this ride with the kids, this caterpillar about from here to there - fulla one-year- old kids. It's ridiculous. I'm not about to go on this ride, so you yell right there, 'You pig, get on the fuckin' ride!' Well, everything fell outta - me - my heart, my liver fell to the floor - you name it! Yellin' at me in front of all those people. Because you never talked and I never been scared of you, never. I think: he's gonna shoot me and dump my body in the river. ON SONNY SONNY Heidi, for Christ sake, shut up! Will you shut your fucking mouth and listen?! ON HEIDI HEIDI (afraid) See? You're screaming with the language and all! A person can't communicate with you. You become a stranger in your own home... ON SONNY he sits, dispiritedly listening to this rap: seeing her in a clear and unambiguous light as before he saw Leon: what a waste to live in the company of people like this! ON HEIDI HEIDI ...because you hurt me, God how you hurt me. Can you imagine, marrying another man? Did I do something to make you do that? Did I ever turn you down, or anything? The only thing I couldn't do, you're gonna laugh, is go on top - I got this fear of high places! (giggles) And I let myself get fat. ON SONNY SONNY Don't call yourself fat. ON HEIDI HEIDI I know you can't stand me to say I'm fat. Like I can't stand you being a bank robber. I guess that's what love is -- huh, Sonny? ON SONNY SONNY (weakly) Heidi - why didn't you come down here? ON HEIDI HEIDI Jesus - what - I'm afraid - I'm gonna get shot or whatever. You oughta see it on TV, the guns, the cops, they got cannon, machine guns, they're loaded with gear. ON SONNY SONNY They're not after you, they're after me. ON HEIDI HEIDI Listen, it's late already when I realize it's not just a couple of ordinary faggots, it's just you and Sal. I couldn't get a baby sitter. Heidi goes on and on, but Sonny just drops the phone on the hook. As he walks toward the rear of the bank, Sylvia, seated atop Margaret's desk, gets off and follows Sonny toward the Conference room. At the same time, Edna is lifting Margaret's feet up onto a chair and Jenny and Deborah start to walk toward the Conference room, too. Maria paces back and forth, transistor to her ear. Sonny walks into the Conference room. The doctor is through examining Mulvaney. Miriam is seated across the table from him. DOCTOR Listen - I think I better take him back for a cardiac check ... Mulvaney waves, protesting. He's had a shot; he's rapidly recovering. SONNY SONNY Anything... what's wrong? Is he gonna die? DOCTOR No, I just think... MULVANEY I'm okay... I'm okay... SONNY You know more than the Doctor? You're not okay, look at you. Come on... (to Doctor) ...let's get him out... MULVANEY I'm not going. I'm okay. As Sonny grabs him to try to help him up, Mulvaney wrenches away. A little physical here. SONNY Hey! I'm tryin' to help you. MULVANEY I stay here. Damn it. I just needed the insulin. I'm used to it. Go on. Go on. SONNY (to Doctor) You tell me. Is he endangering his health, because if you tell me he is, I'll get him out. MULVANEY I'll be God damned if you will. SONNY Oh, Jesus! You want to be a martyr or a hero or what? Maria and Miriam dance to transistor's music. Edna walks into Conference Room to tidy up. Sal is still sitting there. Deborah tries to comfort Jenny. MULVANEY I don't wanta be either, I just want to be left alone. You understand that? I wish the fuck you never came in my bank, that's all, don't try to act like you're some angel of human kindness! (he crosses toward Tellers' cages to start straightening up) Sonny nods, staring at him. As Doctor moves toward front door Sonny walks with him. Grabs marked bills and stuffs them into the Doctor's pocket... SONNY Here, my man. Whattayou get for a house call? As Doctor tries to wave it away: SONNY (continuing) No, no! I want a top specialist for my friend, I expect to pay top money. He's hustled him to the door, where he ushers him out door. OMITTED EXT. BANK (HIS POV) - A BANNER - NEW ANGLE [1ST GAY DEMO] hastily made, about 40 feet long, being raised above the heads of crowd to where Sonny can see it. We can't read it until it's all the way up. Then is reads: WE LOVE YOU LOVE YOU SONNY As the crowd reads it, fist fights break out and it totters and staggers, but the defenders fight bravely... They are ordinary looking people -- not freaks... ON SONNY looking at it, at them with mixed feelings. ON SHELDON standing across the street looking at him. Sheldon indicates his watch. Holds up ten fingers: "ten minutes"... ON SONNY He turns into the bank. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sonny comes back into bank, his face mad with pain. He walks over to Sylvia, standing at open gate of Tellers' Cages, and brings out a wallet with pictures for her to see. She takes it, smiles. SONNY My kids... Kimmy and Jimmy. SYLVIA They're beautiful... She looks over toward Mulvaney, now behind the Tellers' Cages, trying to tidy up, and walks over to show him the pictures. Sonny stands on the other side of the cages. SONNY (as Mulvaney looks at pictures) I'll never see them again, Mister Mulvaney. MULVANEY They look like good kids. SONNY They're like any others but they're special to me. You got kids? You told me; you got two. MULVANEY Special to me, too. SONNY You like me? MULVANEY Sure - we like you. SONNY No you don't. MULVANEY You seem like a likable enough guy. It's hard to judge. Sonny walks back toward Sal, who is seated in Conference Room. SONNY Hey, Sal... How you doin'? SAL Okay. Sonny crosses back downstage again to Mulvaney and Sylvia. SONNY (referring to Sal) You know, I don't know him very well - but he's not gay... and he's not going back to prison... One time when he was in prison, they gang- banged him; 13 years old and eight guys gave it to him... So Sal isn't goin' back to prison, no way. MULVANEY I'm sorry. SONNY You know... I like you people... I really do. MULVANEY We like you, too. SONNY You know - I had a job once. I used to work in a bank. I had been training... I used to have a boss... Mr. Don Frio... he wore a toupee... I wonder if you'd hire me if I came in here and asked you for a job... MULVANEY Would I hire you? SONNY Yeah. MULVANEY Why not? SONNY (grinning) I don't think so. Sonny walks back toward Sal. SONNY I told you -- they're sending a jet. It's all worked out... But doubt hangs in the air like a pall... CLOSEUP - SAL looking at him. Implacable. This tension between them over the question of Sonny's loyalty must be kept constantly alive with CUTS and looks, over dialogue... SYLVIA & MULVANEY SYLVIA Somebody give me another cigarette. Sal turns to look at her reproachfully. ON SYLVIA SYLVIA I wish somebody would tell me I'm gonna live long enough for it to be a habit. My parent, she'll be okay. My husband, he'll be okay. I even know who the bum is gonna marry. Terrific. She'll take good care of him. MULVANEY Girls, I wanta apologize. For my language back there. Embarrassed, he walks toward the rest of group in the rear, stands by Edna's desk. MULVANEY Ladies... I want to apologize for my language back there. (he walks over to his desk, sits down) Sonny exits Conference Room and moves downstage. SYLVIA (amazed) What'd you say? I didn't hear you say anything. They think for a moment. JENNY He said the 'F' word. They stare at her incredulously. Someone giggles. EDNA What? JENNY The 'F' word. He did. He said the 'F' word. Edna crosses to her desk - disgusted - and starts to tidy up. The giggle catches the edge of their panic and anxiety and sweeps them into uncontrollable giggles and laughter: Sonny roars. Sal and Edna alone remain unsmiling. After a few seconds they force themselves to stop, to behave like they should under the circumstances. They are gasping and crying. Then... SONNY What's so funny? EDNA Well, I'm a Christian, and my ears are not garbage cans. It sets them off again. They howl and giggle and laugh. Until at last they run down again. At this point, Sal rushes out of Conference Room. SAL Who's that? He has seen something in the middle of the street, and now... NEW ANGLE as they all turn to look out through the door. THEIR POV Backlighted by the floodlights in the middle of street escorted by Sheldon, stands a figure, dumpy and gray, tentatively waving, a figure that bends over baby carriages in the park, picks beans one by one out of supermarket bins, lip reads get-well cards in pharmacies. They hear Sheldon, outside, on bullhorn: SHELDON (V.O.) Sonny! Could you come out, please? Could you come out, please? SONNY It's my mother. Who needs this shit? But as a dutiful son he starts for the front of the bank. EXT. BANK - NIGHT as Sonny walks to his MOTHER. Baker tactfully moves away, leaving the two of them in the center of the floodlighted street. Again the crowd can be HEARD but not seen; armed police fringe the lights and shadows, in B.G. SONNY What do you want here, Ma? You could of watched it on TV. VI My God, Sonny - you oughtta see - - Alla Brooklyn is here! On all 3 networks! SONNY Mom - I got it all worked out; it's over. The best thing is you go home. Watch it on TV. VI I talked to the FBI, I told them about you, they said if you just come outta the bank it's gonna be okay. SONNY You did what? Who did you talk to? What for? VI Well, I'm only trying to get you outta this. I told them you were in Vietnam, you always had good jobs, you were with Goldwater at the '64 convention, but you had marital problems... SONNY Oh my God, mother! VI I said you were never a faggot. SONNY Don't talk to them anymore. Sal and me are getting a jet, we're going to Algeria - I'll write you from there. VI He was very understanding - you ought to talk to him... Algeria? SONNY We can't stay here. VI Oh my God! I don't understand. If you needed money, why couldn't you come to me? Everything I got is yours. I got two hundred and maybe twenty-five in the savings. It's yours. You know it. Sonny abruptly realizes he is getting sidetracked by Mom - like always. Tries to get it back again. SONNY Mom - they're sending a bus to take us to the airport. You understand? If you're here - they're not gonna send it. They'll think I'm gonna come out with you. VI What's wrong with that? The FBI was very understanding when I explained it to him. Everybody knows it isn't you... It's the pressures from your home life. SONNY For God's sake don't start in on Heidi again... VI Did I say a thing against her? God forbid I should say anything against that fat cunt. SONNY Mom. Mom. There are some things a mother shouldn't say in front of her son. VI If she comes down here, so help me I'm gonna mash her brains in. Everything in your life was sunlight and roses until you met her. Since then, forget it. SONNY She doesn't have anything to do with it! You understand that? Mother? This is me! VI I know you wouldn't need Leon if Heidi was treating you right. The thing I don't understand is why you come out and sleep with Heidi anyway? You got two kids on welfare now. What're you goin' to bed with her, you don't have enough with one wife and two kids on welfare, you want a wife and three kids on welfare? SONNY (this is old stuff) Not now, Mom, please. VI What'll you do? Come out. SONNY (patiently - I told you a hundred times) I can't, Mom. If I come out Sal will kill them. VI Oh. (she thinks for a moment) Run. SONNY What the hell for? Twenty-five years in the pen? VI Maybe... SONNY Maybe! Aw Christ, what dreams you live on! Maybe what? She stares at him. He talks slowly and carefully to her. SONNY I'm a fuckup and an outcast. There isn't one single person in my life I haven't hurt through my love. You understand that? I'm the most dangerous person in the world, because if I love you, watch out, you're gonna get fucked, fucked over and fucked out! VI No! SONNY Did Pop come down? VI No. This really pissed him off, Sonny. He says you're dead. He says he doesn't have a son. SONNY He's right. You shoulda done what he did. Go home. (embraces her) Don't talk to the FBI anymore. He walks away and moves toward the bank door. ON VI Her desperate smile, apologetic and false at the same time, glistens with a mother's tears. After a long beat: VI I remember how beautiful you were. As a baby you were so beautiful. We had such hopes. INT. BANK - CLOSE ON DOOR - NIGHT as Sonny enters and stops, controlling his emotions. He walks toward Mulvaney, who is putting visitor's chair back into position, then waters his plant. Maria and Miriam are still dancing; Margaret is at her desk; Sal, Jenny and Deborah are in the Conference Room; Sylvia is still behind Tellers' Cages. SONNY Mister Mulvaney? MULVANEY Yeah? SONNY Are you a lawyer? MULVANEY No. I had some legal training, but... SONNY I want to dictate my will. I need a notary? SYLVIA I'm a notary. She leaves Tellers' Cages area, crosses to Sonny, grabbing a pen from Edna's desk on the way. Sonny's urgent mood reaches them. Sylvia gets note pad from Mulvaney. Takes the dictation... SONNY Being of sound mind and body, and all that shit... Sylvia nods: got it. SONNY To my darling wife Leon whom I love as no other man has loved another man in all eternity, I leave $2,700 from my $10,000 life insurance policy, to be used for your sex change operation. If there is money left over it is to go to you on the first anniversary of my death, at my grave. I expect you to be a real woman then, and your life full of happiness and joy. To my sweet wife, Heidi, five thousand from the same policy. You are the only woman I have ever loved, and I re-pledge my love to you in this sad moment, and to little Kimmy and Jimmy. I hope you remember me, Jimmy. You are the little man of the family now, and will have to look after them for me. To my mother I ask forgiveness. You don't understand the things I did and said, but I'm me, and I'm different. I leave you, the rest of the policy and my stamp collection. I want a military funeral and am entitled to one free of charge. Life and love are not easy and we have to bend a lot. I hope you find the places and the people to make you all happy as I could not. God bless you and watch over you, as I shall, until we are joined in the hereafter, sweet Leon, my Heidi, dearest Kimmy and Jimmy, and my mother. Sonny... here I'll spell the last name... He sits and writes it for Sylvia. SONNY Type that up and I'll sign it. Nobody says anything about this document. What is there to say? Sylvia walks to her desk at the front of the bank, near the window, and begins typing. EXT. BANK - VARIOUS ANGLES - NIGHT The restless crowd STIRS, sensing something happening. Turning to see something coming. APARTMENT FIRE ESCAPE The Cops gear up their weapons: radios CRACKLE. Something, a vehicle, is moving through the crowd, Cops shoving people aside to let it through. The Old Lady pays no attention. She is down to one of the very last pieces of the puzzle and is searching for the spot for it. LOW ANGLE IN CLEAR PLACE IN FRONT OF BANK as the vehicle clears the crowd and slowly draws up in front. It is a long airport limousine of the type with many doors. It stops. Everyone's attention is on it. A black DRIVER gets out, a gay Afro knit on his head, coke dealer's shades, for the cognoscenti, one very long little finger nail, a nifty Van Dyke style beard and one gold front tooth. He looks around, holding a sheet of paper. Sheldon, others, approach. They are looking into the vehicles, opening doors, checking tires, etc. DOOR OF BANK Sonny appears. He strides to the limo. SONNY Okay. Get away from it. After a moment the Cops all move back. Sonny opens the front door and begins to check it out. The Driver starts to move away... SONNY These seats come out? DRIVER Yeah. INT. LIMO - CLOSE - SONNY AND DRIVER Together they remove the seat so Sonny can check for guns concealed below, etc. Improvise to fit conditions of the car. DRIVER (dawning on him) Jesus, you're the man! SONNY Come on, what's under this? They pry up a seat and look under, etc., all through: DRIVER I was lookin' at it. I saw you, man! Jesus! You oughta see yourself! You wouldn't believe it. SONNY Yes, I would. DRIVER God damn it, Sheila isn't gonna believe it. They just call in and say gas up a stretchout and get it down to (address in Brooklyn) and I say, 'shit, another load of Elks for the massage parlors.' SONNY (finished) Okay. Driver stands up, getting a good look at Sonny. DRIVER Well, by God I'm gonna remember you! And he turns and walks away. Driver stops, uncertainly. Cops grab him to hustle him away. Sheldon steps forward with a neat twenty-years-younger carbon copy of himself... SHELDON Here's your driver, this is agent Murphy. NEW ANGLE Sonny and Murphy. Sonny eyes Murphy, thinks, then begins to frisk Murphy. He finds nothing. He stands up and eyes Murphy. He just doesn't like it. SONNY I don't want him. SHELDON What can he do, he's clean... SONNY Gimme the black guy... The Driver is still close enough to hear... DRIVER Aw, hey... SONNY (overlapping everybody) Come on, nobody's gonna get hurt. If they were gonna shoot, they'd shoot now. SHELDON I can't allow that, Sonny... SONNY You can't allow! I'm running this thing, what gives you the idea you can say shit? (to Driver) Come on. I'll pay you. Whatta you want? Two hundred? A thousand? The Driver looks around desperately to the FBI, to get him out of this. SONNY Don't look at him. I'm running this. Pause. Sheldon finally reluctantly nods. Sonny motions for him (the Driver) to step forward. Before he can get in the car, Sonny stops him. Signals to him to get ready. Gives him a thorough pat search. Thighs, the whole bit. CLOSE ANGLES AS HE SEARCHES It is tense. The Driver seems uptight. Sonny finds nothing until he touches a breast pocket. The Driver is very uptight. Sonny reaches in, pulls out a -- tiny bottle, with a coke spoon chained to the lid. Before Sheldon can see it, but the audience has, Sonny shoves it back, grins, slaps the Driver on the buns. The Driver laughs delightedly. He was afraid he'd get busted for the dope: the drive will be a cakewalk. SONNY You'll be okay. DRIVER (to FBI) You men shoot, aim for the white meat! He loves the joke! They act as though they hadn't heard. Sonny slaps him playfully on the arm and smiling turns to Sheldon. SONNY I want him. He points at Murphy. Sheldon stands there speechless. Driver stares at Sonny, his smile fading. SONNY (delighted) What do you think you're dealing with, an idiot! Sheldon nods to Driver and Murphy. Murphy resumes role as driver of the limo. Driver gets out. SONNY So long, copper. SONNY AND MURPHY as they position the stretchout in front of the bank. It can be seen from inside. The FBI men stand well back from it. Murphy stands by the door. He also can be seen. SHELDON Okay, Sonny? You follow my car. Murphy nods. Sonny is satisfied and turns to the bank, takes Murphy into vestibule, indicating for him to stay there. Sonny continues toward group at rear. INT. BANK - NIGHT Sylvia is finishing her typing. The girls and Mulvaney are slowly getting ready. Deborah is getting her purse out of Margaret's desk drawer; Margaret gathering her own purse, books, etc.; Jenny is getting her purse from Edna's desk as Edna gathers up her belongings; Mulvaney is seated at his desk; Miriam is at her desk, by the front door. Sal stands with his gun ready. [As Sonny enters and takes up his gun, Sal carefully and methodically begins to redress himself, comb his rumpled hair, knotting his tie carefully...] ANGLES FAVORING SAL as he rebuilds his sartorial image before the various reflecting surfaces of the bank, knotting his tie in a glass partition, checking his suit for wrinkles in a glass door, etc. Meanwhile we are seeing the following, which Sal ignores: SONNY ENTERING SONNY Hey, let's get ready! SYLVIA (gets up, walks to Sonny) Sonny - Here's your document. ON SONNY looking at the will, taking up pen. ON SYLVIA, MULVANEY watching him with compassion. INSERT Sonny signs fast and firmly... INSERT Sylvia's notary seal clamps and imprints the paper. LOW CLOSE ANGLE - SONNY SONNY Okay, okay, okay! What a bunch of cold fish. It's an adventure! Everybody's gonna remember you the rest of your lives, the day you got held up and kidnapped... hey! His eye has struck some reminder. They handle this. SONNY You got Bank Americard? MULVANEY (tired) What now, Sonny? SONNY (gathers money from near-by money bag) Listen, I owe a couple hundred dollars! I don't wanta leave owing anybody anything! A clean slate, a new leaf... He plunks his card down before Sylvia. SONNY (continuing) I paying off. (money from attached case) Here. Two hundred should do it. They start the action of filing the form and accepting the money... Sonny stops them... SONNY Just give me a receipt. Hey, Sal, you okay? SAL (deep in his hair or tie or?) Okay, Sonny. SONNY All right. (accepts receipt) SYLVIA Here's your document, Sonny. SONNY Yeah - it looks real official. They are ready. A moment in the dark. Sonny holds out the will to Mulvaney. SONNY Hold it for me? Mulvaney takes it. Sonny shakes his hand. Suddenly, emotionally, he embraces Sylvia. Suddenly they are all saying silent goodbyes. Shaking hands all around, formally. Only Sal is left untouched, standing apart, watching them, in the dark. EXT. BANK - NIGHT Everyone waits in silence. The lights. The limo. The Driver waiting in the driver's seat. After a beat the door begins to open. VARIOUS ANGLES as Cops' guns are brought to bear. On the apartment fire escape the Old Lady is asleep, her puzzle complete. The snipers raise their rifles. FRONT OF BARBER SHOP - NIGHT Sheldon stands there. The police radio network CRACKLES: "They're coming out. Perpetrators and hostages together. Only authorized personnel may previously authorized, and etc." Sheldon's eyes go to: HIS POV - SNIPER A middle-aged Man who looks like an overweight accountant, in flak vest and helmet that seems too small, aiming through a telescopic sight at: DOOR OF BANK SONNY (letting Murphy out first; yells outside) Get away from the car! Something that looks like a multi-legged animal emerges. It is Sonny and Sal in the center of a tight group of the girls and Mulvaney, so they are completely protected on all sides by hostages. Over their heads is thrown some drapes from the bank that further prevent the police from drawing a clear head on Sonny or Sal without hitting a girl. In fact they can't be seen at all. This weird apparition appears, hesitates. The crowd YELLS: "SHOOT!" CHOREOGRAPH THE ACTION so the group hesitates, takes a step forward, then it's clear Sonny can't see well enough to go direct to the car, and the girls are uncertain which direction to go in, not having been briefed. So they stumble about, make false starts, and finally arrive at the car, where one girl gets into the second row of seats behind the Driver. Then Sonny slides across next to Driver. VARIOUS ANGLES TO COVER The police have no chance to shoot. The group looks like a bewildered centipede finding its way. Mulvaney detaches himself from the group and slips into the front seat, on Sonny's right. ON EDNA standing alone, outside filled-up limo. Sheldon walks over to Mulvaney's window. SONNY (to Sheldon) Okay - you got your one. SHELDON (to Murphy) You follow my car. (he moves off) Maria gets in the rear-most row of seats. Sal next to her in the middle and then another girl. One woman, Edna, a plain middle-aged woman who has not said a word until now is left over. She stands by the side of the limo as the doors close and this phase of the operation ends, without mishap. SONNY (elated) Fuck! We did it! SYLVIA (to Edna) Goodbye, honey. Wish us luck! Edna pecks out dry little kisses to the nearest girls. ANGLE THROUGH SONNY'S DOOR WINDOW as Edna pecks... goodbye. SONNY I'll be a son of a bitch -- we're all okay! Hey, man! Honk the horn. Let's go! Sal has his gun pointed on back of Driver's head. MURPHY Hey, Sal - do me a favor... point that gun up, huh? We hit a bump and the fuckin' gun'll go off. The Driver honks the HORN: they're ready. The crowd SCREAMS. Cops keep jockeying for position, but there is no way to get a shot in. ON SHELDON No emotion. He steps into his car, a police car pulls up behind, and the procession starts to pull slowly toward the crowd. ON EDNA AND BANK As the limo pulls away, she is bewildered by the rush of police, bank people, FBI men who stream past her, ignoring her, all pouring into the bank. TV crews move by and finally -- one stops to interview her. ON THE CARAVAN being rammed through the jam of Cops and screaming people trying to get a last look. The hostages looking out, wan, worried. Sonny and Sal inside, alert, ready with guns. INT. LIMO - NIGHT MURPHY Sal - please keep that gun pointed up, huh? THEIR POV - MOVING SHOTS from inside the limo. The faces of the poor, the excited, the vicious the curious, and in ONE SHOT some of the people from the Gay Liberation Movement carrying hastily lettered signs: one protesting Sonny: YOU ARE AN INSULT TO YOUR KIND And another: WE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU SONNY! Their scared and wan faces swim past in the mob. Sonny's mother is briefly seen looking out of the barber shop window, alone and forgotten. The Cops stare heavily, sullen with anger. Now the limo is moving faster. People are running alongside, YELLING insults, trying to see in, asking for hand-outs, but they are going faster. Inside, they say nothing. Up ahead, Sheldon's car flashes a red light. Behind, the police car does the same. VARIOUS EXT. AND INT. ANGLES - NIGHT as the procession moves through Brooklyn. MOVING VIEW FROM GROUND A helicopter follows above them. VIEWS IN STREETS They move along, followed by a HONKING parade of kibitzing cars, like a Mexican wedding. ANGLE AT AIRPORT THRUWAY They turn onto the thruway, trying to out-distance the cars tagging along. INT. LIMO Silence. Sonny and Sal hold their rifles ready between their knees. ANGLE N AIRPORT FENCE as they veer off the thruway, a barely seen Guard swings open a gate and they ROAR through. The Guard pushes the gate to, and the following caravan of cars brakes, skids and a pile-up of fender bender accidents begin, cars going into the fence and each other. FULL SHOT - THRUWAY Cars are strewn all around. Doors open and Drivers leap out ready to YELL and do battle. The Cops guard the now closed gate. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT Distant lights, some moving. Total darkness. The FBI car, the limo, the following police car move across the darkness... INT. LIMO - NIGHT They sit quiet, following the FBI car. The FBI car stops. They stop. Silence. SONNY Murphy, can you see what they're doing? MURPHY He's still got some arrangements to make. Sheldon is getting out of the car up ahead. Sonny and Sal and all of them come alert. As Sheldon and the other FBI men get out of their car, a pair of aircraft landing lights become visible, taxiing towards the limo. SONNY There it is, Sal. Sal? SAL I'm here. SONNY Oh, Jesus! Hey. How about food? I forgot to ask to have food on board. Sheldon has been walking down to the limo. He stops beside Mulvaney and KNOCKS on the window. Mulvaney rolls it down. SHELDON That's the jet. You give us one more, now. That's the deal... SONNY Okay. Which one goes? There is silence inside the limo. Mulvaney turns to Sylvia. MULVANEY Sylvia? From a handkerchief, Sylvia draws a slip of paper. SYLVIA It's Maria. Go on, honey. They open the door. They urge her out, and Maria goes with a show of reluctance. ON MARIA As she stands up outside she is revealed to have a rosary she's counting. IMPROVISE goodbyes, tearful and fearful all around. Then: MARIA I pray for your safety... (meaning Sonny and Sal) ...Sal? Because I know it's your first plane trip. Don't be scared, you know? (gives him her rosary) And Maria walks away. Now the plane has taxied into position, where it can be seen in floodlights. It looks big and impressive. We know the FBI has snipers ringing it. SONNY I ain't eaten all day. I just realized it. SHELDON We'll have hamburgers on the plane. You ready? MURPHY (turns to Sal again) Sal, keep it up, huh? The gun - please... CLOSE - SONNY looking at the plane, grasping his money and his gun. The rifle stands straight up between his legs. Sheldon leans down, peering in at him. SONNY What do you think, Sal? You ready to go? ANGLE - SAL in front of Sonny, behind Mulvaney. For the first time he smiles. He realizes that escape is within their grasp. The smile transforms him from a formidable Mafia imitation into an utterly sweet and defenseless youth. SAL (gun pointing high) Hey, Sonny - You did it! CLOSE - SONNY SONNY Let's move it, goddamn it. SHELDON (to Driver) You ready to get out first? DRIVER Yes. Driver starts to turn in the driver's seat! Sheldon brings up his hands to reach through the open window to grab Sonny's rifle barrel, pushes it away, aiming out windshield. Mulvaney sees them beginning their move and starts to duck. Sal begins to see movement out of the corner of his eyes and is barely beginning to react. DRIVER TURNING HAS A GUN OVER THE BACK OF THE SEAT! Sonny sees it, and Sheldon's hand grabbing the barrel of his gun at the same moment. Sheldon drives hard into the side of the limo, reaching in. Mulvaney grabs the girl next to him and pulls her by the hair down toward the floor. Sal, open-mouthed with amazement, is a split-second late bringing his gun up. Driver completes his turn and has his gun leveled at Sal between Miriam and Margaret in middle row. Sheldon grabs his rifle barrel and pulls hard. Sonny lets it go. Sal stares at the gun barrel, trying to get his gun up... Driver FIRES. Mulvaney hits the floor. Sheldon holds Sonny's gun. Sonny, CLOSE, watches. Sal, hit, slams back into the seat; the gun flies upward. Another SHOT hits him, flinging his head back. Driver holds his third shot, turns to Sonny - holds gun to his temple. Sonny looks down so he can see fully as: Sal's head snaps back for a split second and stares directly into Sonny's eyes, upside down. He stares sadly, into Sonny's eyes. As though he knew it all along -- betrayed. And dies. The SHOT is ECHOING. Now SCREAMS, YELLS, SLAMMING doors, panic... Sonny's voice: "Shoot me! For God's sake, shoot me!" FULL SHOT They come pouring out of the limo, scrambling frantically away from it. The limo -- the people fleeing it. Agents pull people away from the car. Driver and Sheldon and Cops peer into the back. Sal's body lies slumped. Driver, Sheldon, other Cops stand about, recovering. No one makes the slightest sort of congratulatory move, it was just another job. Driver clears his weapon, hands it to Sheldon to be filed in case of investigation. ON SYLVIA, MULVANEY, HOSTAGES They hug, cry, laugh, jump up and down: they're alive! SYLVIA (to Mulvaney) I been dying to do this for years! And she kisses him hard in the mouth. He laughs and kisses back... CLOSE - SONNY Tears are beginning to flood past his defenses: SHELDON (V.O.) You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to counsel to be present, during your interrogation. (etc.) His voice is dry, as though he were reciting from memory something he learned in a language he doesn't understand. LAP DISSOLVE TO: CLOSE - LEON - HEAD ON SHOT like a Warhol interview on TV. Segue VOICE TRACK. LEON Well, I don't see how Sonny can survive in prison, he was very loud, very boisterous. He was obnoxious. CLOSE - HEAD SHOT - SONNY being manipulated like so much beef by impersonal FBI agents... LEON (V.O.) He was very hard to live with... HEIDI (V.O.) He made me laugh. EXT. BARBER SHOP - NIGHT Remnants of the crowd of sightseers, being interviewed by TV men avid for more, more, more news... these are people among the group that held up the big banner earlier: now we see them up CLOSE. They're folding up their banner. A very ordinary-looking YOUNG GUY. PROUD YOUNG MAN I love him. He put an end to all that pansy limp wristed shit! FBI AND SONNY They're getting off his belt, his shoe laces... HEIDI (V.O.) Because he always had a way of getting out, always in the army he was AWOL... OMITTED BACK TO SONNY manacled and helpless. He is twisted into some yet more uncomfortable position by the uncaring Agents. HEIDI (V.O.) I can't help thinking how he might ring the bell one of these days. That's why I'm nervous, because I'm always thinking some day he's gonna come along and ring the bell... THROUGH THE SHOT Sal's body is carried, Sonny, seeing it out of the corner of his eye. He tries to look... FBI MAN Keep your eyes front. PAULINE NATURILE - BEING INTERVIEWED A faded, rattled woman, perhaps a little drunk... NEWSMAN How did you know your son was involved? PAULINE It was on the TV. NEWSMAN When was the last time you saw Sal? PAULINE Oh, a long time. Because I kept asking my husband where the heck could Junior be? He wasn't around here. I thought maybe he was in prison or some place. NEWSMAN Did you know he was a homosexual? PAULINE No, not until after they killed him. NEWSMAN Did you always call him Junior. PAULINE Yeah. NEWSMAN Do you remember anything else about Sal? PAULINE No, that's all. BACK TO SONNY - AT AIRPORT Sonny isn't even listening... he sees something o.s.: SONNY Hey! NEW ANGLE The hostages moving toward a car to take them home are passing nearby and turn to look at him... SONNY Goodbye! You were terrific! Mouth! You're beautiful! See you! THEIR REACTIONS They stare at him; they've already begun to forget him: the moment in the bank when they said their goodbyes is already receding from their consciousness. Their smiles are forced, and they don't really know what to say. SYLVIA Ah, Sonny! Good luck, you know? MULVANEY You were terrific, too! SYLVIA Hey. It's raining. And, as the first welcome drops of cooling rain fall, they begin to move fast... ON SONNY looking after them. The rain hitting his face... the adventure is over. But the everlasting smile overtakes him... LEON I'm glad. Life is easier with him in prison. HEIDI It would be like always, the bell would ring, we'd have a ball. OMITTED BEGIN TITLE AND CREDITS: SINCE THERE WILL BE NO BEGINNING TITLE OR CREDITS, THE PICTURE LOGO WILL FLASH ON SCREEN NOW, AND END MUSIC UP: AS PACINO'S CREDIT IS SEEN, OVER A STILL OF HIM FROM THE PICTURE: THE FOLLOWING IS SUPERIMPOSED: SONNY IS SERVING TWENTY-FIVE YEARS IN FEDERAL PRISON. AS LEON IS SEEN: LEON IS NOW A WOMAN NAMED LANA. AS HEIDI IS SEEN: HEIDI LIVES WITH HER CHILDREN ON WELFARE. FADE OUT. THE END

DOGMA EXT ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK - DAY Jersey spring day. Beyond the wooden planks that make up the aged fun pier, the ocean waves crash into the sandy shoreline. An OLD MAN stares at the empty beach. Sun-worshipers hours away from besmirching the dunes. His features are simple. He wears an old overcoat. His face belies good years gone by - a face that has seen more sunrises than one would suspect. He inhales the crisp, salty air and lets a small, satisfied smile cross his face. Behind him. a large arcade with steel shuttered doors sits on the boardwalk. Three young boys skate around by on roller blades, passing a street hockey ball between them proficiently. The Old Man views them briefly. checks his watch, and looks back toward the ocean. The skates of the three hockey playing youths skid to a halt. We pan up to their faces - now cold and dispassionate. They look at one another and nod. Their skates glide out of frame. P.O.V. SKATERS - The Old Man leans on the railing that overlooks the beach. We get closer and closer to him until... One of the skaters checks him hard into the railing. The Old Man exhales violently and falls to his knees. The two other skaters begin savagely beating on him with their hockey sticks, as he crumbles beneath them. Repeatedly their blades crash down hard on his head. OC VOICE I don't understand - how can you base your lack of belief in God on the writings Lewis Caroll? The three skaters cease their beating and check the Old Man's pulse. Satisfied, they skate away, leaving his crumpled form on the boardwalk. INT AIRPORT - DAY LOKI walks beside a NUN in a semi-busy terminal. They pass through the metal detectors. The Nun carries a donation can. LOKI Leaving 'Alice in Wonderland' aside, look closely at 'Through the Looking Glass' - particularly 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' poem: what's the metaphorical meaning? NUN I wasn't aware there was one. LOKI Oh, but there is - it colorfully details the sham that is organized religion. The Walrus - with his girth and good-nature - obviously refers to either the Buddha, or - with his tusks - the lovable Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. This takes care of the Eastern religions. The Carpenter is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was purportedly raised the son of a carpenter. He represents the Western religions. And in the poem. what do they do? They dupe all the oysters into followmg them. Then. when the oysters collective guard is down. the Walrus and the Carpenter shuck and devour the helpless creatures, en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following faiths based on these mythological figures insures the destruction of one's inner-being. BARTLEBY sits amongst a row of seats by one of the arrival gates. He eats popcorn and stares at... A steady stream of TRAVELERS, exiting the gate, meeting lovedones, family. OC LOKI Organized religion destroys who we are or who we can be by inhibiting our actions and decisions out of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "No, no!" Bartleby smiles at the meet-and-greets, warmed. Loki saddles up beside him, kneeling on one of the seats, facing the Nun. LOKI 'Through the Looking Glass' - a children's tale? I think not. NUN (really dazed) I've... I've never really thought about it like that... (beat; shocked; off her cassock) What have I been doing with my life...?'. LOKI Don't look back. Just get out there and taste life. (off donation can) Leave this for the unenlightened. Poverty is for the gullible - it's another way the church is trying to control you. You take that money you've been collecting for your parish reconstruction and go get yourself a nice piece of ass. You deserve it. The Nun nods at him, and saunters off, obviously grappling with something. A passerby tries to stick money in her can, but she yanks it away. Loki faces the proper direction in his seat and plops down beside the still-transfixed Bartleby. BARTLEBY (looking OC) Here's what I don't get about you: you know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in his presence, he's talked to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. LOKI C'mon man - you know I don't believe any of that shit I was telling her. I just like to fuck with the clergy; keep 'em on their toes. When her head stops spinning, she'll be facing the way of the Just again. But oh. will she have a bunch to confess. (looks around) Now here's what I don't get about you: why do you feel the need to come here all the time? BARTLEBY (off travelers) I like to watch. This is humanity at it's best. Look at them. A reunited FAMILY share a group hug and move on, making way for two young LOVERS to embrace and kiss passionately. OC BARTLEBY All that tension, all that anger and mistrust, forgotten for one perfect moment when they come off that plane. See those two? The guy doesn't even know that the girl cheated on him while he was away. OC LOKI She did? Bartleby and Loki continue to watch the arrivals. BARTLEBY Uh-huh. Twice. But it doesn't matter at this moment because they're both so relieved to be with one another. I like that. I just wish they could all feel that way more offen. LOKI Maybe if someone gave them free bags of peanuts more often they would. Now what was so friggin' important that I had to miss cartoons this morning? If it was to share in your half-assed obsessions with Hallmark moments, I'm going to slug you. BARTLEBY (still looking OC) You're never going to believe this: we're going home. LOKI (off Bartleby's popcorn) Let me have some? BARTLEBY (pulls out envelope) Look what somebody sent us in the mail. (hands him a newspaper article and corn) LOKI Did you say we're going home? (reads) "Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon on 'Catholicism - Wow!" Campaign." (to Bartleby) And? BARTLEBY Keep reading. LOKI (reads) "Updating the church... television spots... Papal consent... rededication... (to Bartleby) Again - and? BARTLEBY (snatches article) Give me this (getting up; reading) "The Re-dedication of Saint Michael's Church on it's hundredth anniversary is the kickoff of a new campaign that seeks to bring the Catholic Church back into the mainstream. With a papal sanction, the archway entrance to the centuryold, Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway of pleanry indulgence, which - according to Catholic beliefs - offers all who pass through it's arches a morally clean slate." (looks at Loki) You still don't get it, do you? LOKI No, I don't get it. Are we leaving now? They start walking. BARTLEBY If you walk through the church's front door on the day of the Re-dedication ceremony, your soul is wiped clean of any and all existing sin, moreso than the sacrament of penance could ever offer. It's a plenary indulgence, man! I don't know why I never thought of this before. LOKI (spits out chewed popcorn into trash can) Sounds thin. Sounds like someone made it up. BARTLEBY It's rarely employed, but it's legitimate. It has a papal sanction for God's sake. LOKI So you're saying you and I can walk through this doorway and go back home? BARTLEBY No - by passing through the doors, our sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die... LOKI Wait. wait, wait - Die? I don't want to die. (chews popcorn) BARTLEBY (steps on conveyor belt) You'd rather stay down here for a few more eons? LOKI No, but we don't even know if we can die. And what if we can, but this archway thing doesn't pan out? What then? Hell? Fuck that. (spits out chewed popcorn into napkin) BARTLEBY Impossible. If we cut off our wings and transubstantiate to complete human form then we become mortal. And if we die with clean souls, there's no way to keep us out. They have to let us in. LOKI (beat) Who sent this thing? BARTLEBY I don't know. Somebody who's looking out for us, I guess. Does it matter? All that matters is that after all these years, we've found a loophole. He can't keep us out anymore. And once we're back in, I'm sure He'll just forgive and forget. They pass the Nun. who leans against a wall, still dazed. LOKI Yeah, but this plenary' indulgence thing is a church law, not Divine Mandate. Church laws are fallible because they're created by man. BARTLEBY One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter the first Pope by the Son of God before He left was "Whatever you hold true on earth..." LOKI " ...I'll hold true in Heaven." BARTLEBY So if the Pope says it's so, God must adhere. It's dogmatic law. LOKI (beat; extends hand) Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results. BARTLEBY (accepts hand) You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus. LOKI There's just one thing I think I should do before we leave - something that'Il get us back on His good side. BARTLEBY What's that? Loki smiles and starts rifling through his pockets. He extracts a magazine article. LOKI This is something I've been dreaming about for five years now. Read. The crumpled article displays a Barney-like gold-hued cow, alongside various profit charts and text. OC BARTLEBY (reading) "Mooby the Golden Calf- Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity." Loki wipes his mouth and nods to the article. LOKI I want to hit them. BARTLEBY Are you nuts?! (crumples article) We're mere days away from getting back, and you want to jeopardize it because you have a soft spot for the good ol' days?! LOKI What better way to show I've repented than by resuming the position I denied... thanks to you. BARTLEBY A killing spree is not going to make things better for us. LOKI We're not talking about killing here. We're talking about Divine Justice. We're talking about punishing the wicked, raining down fire and brimstone. He's all about that. I just know he'd want this done. BARTLEBY There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Besides, what if you're wrong? LOKI If I'm wrong, it won't matter. Like you said - we pass through the arch and we're forgiven anyway They step up to an elevator and press the button. BARTLEBY (considering it) Well... he does hate competition. (reading article) And this Mooby deninitely falls under that heading. LOKI The church we have to go to is where? BARTLEBY New ]ersey. The Rededication is in four days. The doors open. They get on. Other people are inside as well. LOKI Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing. BARTLEBY What's that? LOKI Let's kill people. A guy beside Loki reacts. Loki smiles at him as the elevator doors close. OPENING CREDITS Between black cards with white credits there are shots of the OLD MAN from the boardwalk being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney, being treated in the emergeny room, being hooked up to life support system, and finally resting in an intensive care wing. EXT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY The church sits on a grassy knoll in Mc Henry - a suburb of Chicago. Some kids tear by on bikes and egg it. OC PRIEST The greater Illinois chapter of the Right to Life foundation will be holding it's bi-annual softball game against the Cook County Pro-Choice league next Sunday at two. INT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY The PRIEST speaks from the lectern, addressing semi-filled rows of the faithful. PRIEST Those who find the weekly demonstration outside of the Twelfth Street Planned Parenthood Clinic hard to make due to work schedules are urged to show their support in the fight against the thoughtless and wanton destruction of life by cheering on our boys on the field. Refreshments. as always, will be served. Dollying down the rows while the Priest rattles on. we pass the parishoners. Some listen intently, others are nodding off. One surreptitiously listens to a Walk-man; a man and a woman quietly argue while their kid colors in a coloring book, going off the page and marking the pew; two kids play cards; one guy leafs through a copy of Hustler hidden by his hymnal book. OC PRIEST Today's second collection will be donated to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund. For those of you who haven't been following the news, an unidentified homeless man who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals. He lacks identification and police have had no luck in tracking down any possible family. While he shows no signs of recovery, the Arch-Bishop of the Trenton Diocese has disputed the state's decision to remove the indigent man from life support systems, asking that Catholics all over the country join in this protest against Euthanasia. And finally - will whoever keeps parking in my spot, stop doing that. Thank you. Now, please rise for the recession of faith. We believe in one God, the father... As the congregation flatly joins in the prayer, we stop on BETHANY - a beautiful twenty-something woman who struggles to stay awake. She checks her watch and exhales softly. OC VOICE I don't really want to be here. ENT PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC - DAY A small gaggle of signcarrying RIght-to-Lifer's march in front of the sterile looking building. OC VOICE But then again, I guess nobody ever does... except maybe you. INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY The source of the voice - a GIRL - sits beside Bethany's desk, stretching out her gum. Bethany offers her an understanding smile. GIRL You know, I've done this three times now; and each time the counselor tells me I should be more careful in the future, I should show' some responsibility. Gotta tell you, though - this is the first time the counselor wasn't some ugly as hell old bitch. It's kind of hard to take abortion advice from a woman who's too gross to get laid in the first place. BETHANY I'm not here to lecture you - I'm here to make sure you really want to go through with this. GIRL I'd rather go back to that night when my idiot bovfriend swore up and down he was sterile. Short of that, there aren't many choices left, now are there? BETHANY Ever think about having it? GIRL (beat) What woman doesn't on some level. BETHANY I never did. GIRL (incredulous) You had an abortion? BETHANY (lights a smoke) My first year in college. All through high school, I'd dated the same guy - Walter Flanagan. We were really in love, right? So much so. that we decided to go Carnegie Mellon together... that's this college in Pittsburgh. So there we are -away at school, and there's suddenly no parents to worry about anymore, so we're screwing like rabbits - just constanly doing it. And I wound up getting pregnant. So he begs me to have it. He says we should quit school and get married, and I'm telling him that that'lI screw up our educations. We fought about it for a week - my arguement being there was no rush to have kids, you know? We could always have a baby in a couple of years - after school. So I got the abortion against his wishes... I mean, what the hell - it was my body, right? After graduation, we got married and immediately set about trying to have kids. We tried like hell for the first six months, and... nothing. So I went to a gynocologist to see if everything was okay on my end. (beat) It wasn't. (takes a drink) My uteran wall had this fissure. It seems that the doctor who performed the procedure on me years before had somehow botched it. I'd never be able to have a child. The Girl's face says it all. Bethany takes a drag and continues. BETHANY So there I am - devastated. And now I have to go home to break the news to my husband who years before had begged me to have the baby - his baby. And after I explain it to him through my tears, he sits on the couch and rubs his eyes. And in the calmest, most rational voice I've ever heard anybody use in my life, he asks me for a divorce. And I fought him, you know? I tried to talk him out of it; told him there were alternatives - like we could adopt. And all he said was he wanted a wife who could have his children. GIRL (beat) What happened? BETHANY He remarried. He had two kids in two years with his new wife. We never spoke again. And now I do this. GIRL That's like... such a sad story. BETHANY I dated this guy a year or two ago - he was really into comic books. He told me I had the stock superhero story -I wanted to prevent a wrong that had happened to me from ever happening to anyone else. Kind of like Batman, he said. The only difference is I don't put on tights to do it... unless all my other clothes are in the wash. (smiles and puts out her smoke) So... let's go over your paperwork. EXT CLINIC - DAY A well-dressed LIZ maneuvers through the small thrall of Right-to-lifer's. They shake their placards at her accusingly. PROTESTOR 1 You should be ashamed of yourself! PROTESTOR 2 Child killer! LIZ (looking over their shoulders) HOLY SHIT!! IT'S THE POPE!! As the thrall turns excitedly in an effort try to spy the imaginary pontiff, Liz ducks inside the clinic. INT CLINIC COFFEE ROOM - DAY A NEWSPAPER HEADLINE fills the frame - "CHURCH SAYS NO TO DEATH OF JOHN DOE". It's lowered to reveal Bethany, reading. Liz enters and hangs up her coat. LIZ Jesus! You're a Catholic, aren't you? Can't you talk to them or something? BETHANY They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse - you're ]ewish, you don't know any better. LIZ I don't think they'd accept that one - we already used it as our excuse for killing Christ. So where were you yesterday morning - a bunch of us went out for brunch? BETHANY I went to church. LIZ That kills me. You and church. We work in a field that specializes in pissing off the cloth and you add insult to injury by breaking bread with them every week. BETHANY I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. I can remember sitting in church when I was a kid and being moved - like everything meant something, like I was important. And the stories of all these holy people were so inspiring. Now I sit there and think about my checking, and what I'm going to wear to work the next day. LIZ So then why do you still go? BETHANY (beat) You wouldn't believe me if I told you. LIZ You think I'm going to mock your religious beliefs? We're friends, Bethany - I may mock you for being a divorce' at twenty five who's never had an orgasm, but I'd never mock you for having faith. BETHANY That's just it - I don't. I don't think I have any faith left. LIZ (making coffee) I had a girl in here once - 'bout fifteen. She told me that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is full, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of water doesn't fill the glass anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled. BETHANY A fifteen year old who came in here said that? LIZ She had gotten knocked up by her pastor. BETHANY Jesus! See? A minister knocks up a teenager -isn't anyone afraid of the Lord's wrath anymore? LIZ That would require faith, and that commodity lately seems reserved only for the psychotic zealots that hang around outside. (collects her things to leave) So what are you doing tonight? BETHANY Watching T.V. LIZ Girl, you need a man. If only for ten minutes. BETHANY It's been my experience that the average male is never a man - not even for ten minutes in his entire life span. LIZ Uh-oh - that sounds militant. You thinking of joining the other side? BETHANY Couldn't do it. Women are insane. LIZ Then girl, you better get back to church and ask God for a third option. BETHANY I think God is dead. LIZ The sign of a true Catholic. Liz exits with her coffee. Bethany stares after her. INT A QUAINT SUBURBAN HOME - DAY The Stygian Triplets kneel on one knee before a high-backed leather chair, upon which Sits a shadowy figure who we see from behind. They appear to be in a den or library. SHADOWY FIGURE All proceeds according to plan. No doubt, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion. You know where she is. She must be elliminated befoie she enters the frav. When she is negated, there will be nothing to interfere with our plan. Shuffle her loose her mortal coil, that we may obtain our final glory. (beat) Go. The Stygian Triplets rise and skate off. INT BETHANY'S KITCHIEN - NIGHT The fridge door opens and Bethany glances around inside. She pulls out a chocolate cake and closes the door. INT BETHANY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Bethany sits on the couch, eating cake with a fork and watching the OC t.v. The theme song to Filmation's 'Batman and Robin' cartoon can be heard. She sips some milk from a glass and has some more cake. INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Bethany's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creaking floor board is heard. Bethany reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow. She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat. Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to be shooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from Bethany's bed. Bethany leaps back, taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one can see an anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze. VOICE (powerful; booming) BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICEOF THE ONE TRUE GOD! The Voice repeats itself. Bethany darts out of bed and dashes out of the room, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is in mid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister, swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The booming Voice sputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive edge. Bethany stops squirting and turns on her bedside lamp. A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves her away. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops to the floor, hacking. It is METATRON. Bethany stares, shocked. METATRON (between coughs) Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the whole can?! Bethany grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively. BETHANY WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?! METATRON (slowly rising to it's feet) I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one who's pissed. That's rich! BETHANY (reaching for phone, still holding bat) I'm calling the cops! Breaking and entering, attempted arson... they're going to lock you up for life...! M ETATRON (wiping off clothes) No dial tone. BETHANY (ear to phone) You cut the phone lines... (even more offensive with bat) Get the fuck out of here, now! METATRON Or you'll what - hit me with that fish? The bat Bethany held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks. METATRON Now just sit down on the bed and shut up! BETHANY Oh God - you're going to rape me... METATRON I'm not going to rape you. (to itself; off clothes) Look at my suit...! BETHANY Take whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me... METATRON Enough with the raping already! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. (unzips pants and pulls them off) Angels are ill-equipped. Bethany stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Metatron. There is nothing where some sexual genitalia should be - it's as smooth and anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. METATRON See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. (rings out pants) You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think everyone's just waiting to rape you. BETHANY Wh..what are you? METATRON I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes into your room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid. (pulls pants back on) Go get me a towel, will you? Bethany blinks. She exits the room and comes back with a towel. She holds it out to Metatron who grabs it and starts toweling off. METATRON (taking off jacket) Stand back. Bethany steps back. Metatron flexes and huge fucking wings extend from it's back, dripping water. Bethany goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall. METATRON (tosses towel away) Like I was saying - I am the Metatron. Bethany stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Metatron looks insulted. METATRON Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell? Bethany remains silent and wideyed. Metatron gets testy. METATRON You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right? (beat) I am a seraphim. (beat) The highest choir of angels? (beat) You do know what an angel is, don't you? Bethany slowly nods. METATRON Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves. BET HANY (beat) Why doesn't God speak for himself? METATRON Ah. So glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that - human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adam's before we figured that out. BETHANY Are you going to kill me? Ni ETATRON I could for what you did to this suit. Unfortunately I can't. You're called. BETH ANY (beat) Called how? How called? METATRON All that from two words. Color this angel impressed. BETHANY (beat) How do I know you're an angel? METATRON Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? You people kill me. Fine. You want more proof? How about a tequila? (snaps fingers) INT MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT Bethany and Metatron sit at a table. Bethany immediately clutches at her pajamas. Metatron waves a WAITER over. BETHANY Where the hell are we?! METATRON The only place one can go for good tequila. (to Waiter) Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass. WAITER Si. The Waiter turns to leave. Metatron yanks a smoke from his pocket as he goes. METATRON Gracias, senor. BETHANY We're in Mexico?! METATRON Actually, we're in the Chilli's down the street from your house, but it was still an impressive trick (lights smoke) You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our profile low. BETHANY I suppose it would be too cliche to observe aloud that this is the weirdest dream I've ever had. METATRON Can you imagine how insulting it is to converse with a person and have them insist you're a dream? If I had an ego, it'd be bruised. BETHANY What do you want with me? METATRON I'm to charge you with a holy crusade. (pause) You do know what a crusade is, don't you? BETHANY (sarcastically) Uh, yeah. METATRON Don't give me that. Last time I charged someone with a crusade they had to look the word up. BETHANY Why am I supposed to go on a crusade? METATRON Your's is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't seem to be doing much lately. The Waiter arrives with their drinks. METATRON Oh - Gracias! (he leaves; off the tequila) One of the only things your people have mastered since you crawled from the primordial ooze. (sips) BETHANY I work in an abortion clinic. METATRON (spits tequila into empty glass) Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to part an ocean. All you have to do is go to New Jersey. BETH ANY New ]ersey. METATRON Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit and small church on a very important day. Agreed? BETHANY That doesn't sound like a crusade. METATRON Aside from the fine print, that's it. BETHANY What's the fine print? METATRON (mumbles into glass) stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila. (sips) BETHANY Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. METATRON Damn, this is good tequila? BETHANY The first part. METATRON (spits into empty glass) Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them. BETHANY Clarify that. METATRON That's the problem with you people - you need every-thing clarified. No leaps of faith whatsoever. Alright -vou want the whole secret origin? Here goes: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was bore by the Angel of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom and Gommorah were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie? That was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer. BETHANY Why? METATRON Because he listened to his friend - a Grigori by the name of Bartleby. BETHANY Grigori? METATRON One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. Guess what they do? BETHANY So they're like Guardian angels? METATRON Exactly like that, but different. So one day, Loki's wiping out all the first born of Egypt... BETHANY The Tenth Plague. METATRON See? Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankiy; mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and they're suddenly theology scholars. May I continue uninterrupted? (Bethany nods) So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention the fact that Loki's more than half in the bag, and in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one - one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits: throws down his fiery sword, gives him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us. because from that day forward, God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting. BETHANY Sounds reasonable. METATRON Maybe to you, but I'm a lush by nature. BETHANY I mean about the angel of Death's resignation. METATRON For a liberal, yes, but this is the Angel of Death we're talking about. The Angel of Death can't be a conscientious objector. The Angel of Death is charged with meting out whatever justice God demands. So for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise. BETHANY Were they sent to Hell? METATRON Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity. BETHANY And what's this have to do with me? METATRON Somebody's clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to reenter Heaven. BETHANY So what? They beat the system. Good for them. METATRON It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now listen up because this part is very important: existence in all it's form and splendor functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove God wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence - if they are allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world. BETHANY Are these guys that bitter? METATRON No, that's the stupid part: they have no idea what their actions will result in. As far as they know, they're just going home. Isn't that sweet? BETHANY If this is so major, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something? METATRON He could. He could blink them out of existence, destroy that church, turn them into plants. But He'd rather see you take care of this one personally. BETHANY Why me? METATRON Because of who you are. BETHANY And who am I? METATRON The girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions just serve your purpose. BETHANY I'll pass. METATRON I beg your pardon? BETHANY When some asshole abortion doctor destroyed my uterus -where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't bear his children - where was God? Now all the sudden, after all these years of quiet noninvolvement in my life, He sends one of His lackey's my way who tells me I should save the world, and as what - some sort of test? To Hell with Him. METATRON Do yourself a favor Bethany - do the world a favor: let go of your petty crap. It's served you precious little in the past, and it serves you even less now when the fate of existence hangs in the balance. Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being just because you have a grudge against your creator. BETHANY A grudge? Do you know why I work in that clinic? It's my own private way of saying "fuck you" to God. METATRON And any other day I'd say that's your business and your life, and enjoy yourself and goodnight. But this isn't about you - this is about eve~body. So you lost the abiliry to make life. You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world by acting like one and protecting it - saving it. (swigs her drink and spits it out) But I can't make you. You'll do what you will. However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support. BETHANY What, more angels? NIETATRON Prophets - although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away - one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks - and he will at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same. (looks at watch) I have to go. You'll do what you will, but try to remember that we're working in a time frame here. Metatron moves to exit. BETHANY (beat) Hey. (Metatron turns) You work for God. METATRON They tell me it's God. If it's not, I'm going to be severely pissed - what with all these years of bossing people around on his behalf and expectorating perfectly good tequila. BETHANY What's he like? God? METATRON (thinks) Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. BETHANY I'll bet. METATRON Look at sex. Sex is funny. One time I asked him why you people had to look so stupid while procreating. He said if you didn't, you'd do it all the time, just for fun. BETHANY But we do. METATRON I know. And you all look so damn stupid doing it. It kills us upstairs. BETHANY Sex is a joke in Heaven? METATRON The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too. And with that, Nietatron is gone. Bethany looks at her drink. A three-man mariachi band surround her and begin playing Prince's 'Little Red Corvette'. INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Bethany startles awake. The radio on her night-table plays 'Little Red Corvette'. She lays back down. INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY Bethany sits at her desk, staring into space. A twenty-something girl speaks, butBethany's not really listening. She's extremely preoccupied. INT CLINIC - NIGHT Bethany shuts off the lights in the various rooms. She packs up her bag and turns on the alarm. EXT CLINIC - NIGHT Bethany exits and locks the door behind her. She starts walking. As her feet tread lightly toward her car, three small shadows move toward her. Bethany throws her bag on her car roof and rumages through her purse for her keys. She hears something and stops. Roller blades can be heard moving slowly across the asphalt of the parking lot. Bethany turns quickly. Nobody's there. She looks around, a bit peturbed. BETHANY (calling into the darkness) God, what time do you people quit and go home?! Let's just save it for tomorrow, alright? There's no response. Then there's the noise of wood being tapped against the ground. Bethany peers into the darkness, looking for the source. Suddenly, a skater whips past her, slamming his stick into the back of her knee. Bethany goes down. Another skater whips in and slashes at her, but she ducks. The stick hits the car door above her. She rifles through her purse madly until another skater whips by, dragging her purse away with his stick. Bethany looks up. The Stygian Triplets are lined up menacingly, a few feet from her. They tap their hockey sticks in unison on the ground. Bethany jumps up and faces them defensively. The Triplets emit an unholy shriek and charge at her. And from out of nowhere, a large figure swoops down from above, landing on the ground between Bethany and her menacers. The Triplets stop short and regard the figure curiously. The large figure whips into a defensive stance, Batman-style. The Stygian Triplets look to one another. They shrug and charge anew. From behind the rock-still large figure, a smaller figure leaps into the streetlight, shrieking, flying through the air, busting into a flying kick. He lands before the middle Triplet and open-palm punches him twice in the face, grabbing his stick from the falling child's hand and tossing it into the air behind him. The stick sails through the night air and is snatched by the grip of the large figure, who twirls it under his arm, and then back Out like a sai. He swings it out before him, knocking the other two Triplets off balance. The smaller figure back flips into the larger figure's arms and kicks his feet into the faces of the two wobbling Triplets. They go down, and the smaller figure leaps forward with a shriek, landing between the fallen pair, elbows into their backs. The flrst struck Triplet leaps out of the darkness at the large figure, screaming something unholy. The large figure catches the kid by the throat and quickly head butts him, tossing him to the side. The large figure sways for a beat and then shakes it off. The small figure collects the hockey sticks and throws them into the distance. He kicks at the falien Triplets as they scurry away. SMALL FIGURE (calling after them) GO BACK TO YOUR PAPER ROUTES, YOU PUNK FUCKS! (more to himself) Snoogans. The large figure saddles up beside the small figure. They look at one another and shake hands. SMALL FIGURE Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking asses! Bethany stares, mystified. She grabs her purse from the ground. BETHANY Where... where did you learn to do... that stuff?! SMALL FIGURE From this comic book some guys made about us. Long story. BETHANY (beat) I don't know what to say... or think. The figures turn into the light, revealing the faces of the heroes for the first time - two very familiar faces. SMALL FIGURE Say you'll offer us sex as a reward. BETHANY Who are you? The large figure lights up a smoke. The small one extends his hand. SMALL FIGURE Jay. And this is my business associate, Silent Bob. BIETHANY Well thank you for being out here so late... Come to think of it, what are you doing out here so late? (freezes) Wait a second are you protestors? JAY What's a protestor? BETHANY You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's? JAY You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice:a woman 5 body is her own fucking business. BETHANY Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around? JAY We're here to pick up chicks. BETHANY (a bit stunned) Excuse me? JAY We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck. BETHANY (taken aback) Oh. Right. Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue... I think. JAY (shocked) Wait, wait, wait - we just saved your ass, and you're just going to take off? What the shit is that? BETHANY I had a weird night last night, and now tonight's not shaping up to be any better. I think I should go home, take some percosets, and lay down. (opens her car door) JAY (to Silent Bob) How about that shit? Fuck this town, man - I'm going back to Jersey and selling weed~ (they start walking) At least there I can get turned down while trying to make myself a profit. Bethany freezes. Metatron's words echo in her ear. She shakes her head. BETHANY (to herself) You've gotta be kidding me. (thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait! She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively. BETHANY Sorry. (beat) Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this... (inhales deeply) Would you... like to have a drink with me? Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm. JAY See?! I told you if we hung around outside that place we'd get laid! Thank you! (looking skyward) Thank you, God! INT SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHT Various guns are laid out atop a glass case. OC SALESMAN Now this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but one look at it and nobody - I mean nobody - is going to fuck with you. Try it on. Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him. LOKI It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, I'll say that much. BARTLEBY It's the weapon of choice these days. LOKI It seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked intimidating. How can I strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this? SALESMAN Oh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante, right? Like Batman or something. LOKI Batman never uses guns. (off gun) I don't know. It feels impersonal. BARTLEBY Then don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste like Sodom and Gommorah. Now that was something. LOKI Oh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there and read. I had to do all the work. BARTLEBY What work? You lit a few fires. LOKI I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference. BARTLEBY Sure. LOKI Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer. (to Salesman) I'll take this one. SALESMAN Five seventy five to walk with it right now. Loki starts sifting through his wallet. BARTLEBY Soccer? INT DINER - NIGHT An English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises the bread to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stops chewing. Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, and nods. All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the English muffin down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile a minute. BETHANY Are you both from around here? JAY I'm hard as hell. BETHANY Do you live in the city? JAY Do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you going to do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. BETHANY You're a man of principle. Where do you come from? JAY We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real small town. We practically knew everybody. BETHANY What brought you to McHenry? JAY Hollywood. BETHANY (beat) Hollywood? JAY Oh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of this video store. And one day this fuck wants to rent a video. So we did, only we didn't have anyplace to watch it. So we went to the mall and popped it into a VCR at Macy's and sat on the floor and watched it. It was called 'Sixteen Candles'. Did you ever see it? BETHANY Yes. JAY So the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club', and then 'Weird Science' where these two fucks have a chick that'll do anything for them and they don't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then we got thrown out of Macy's when we watched 'Pretty in Pink', because of this bitch. (points to Silent Bob) BETHANY (to Silent Bob) What'd you do? JAY You know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets together with her dream guy at the prom? (Bethany nods) Well pussy here starts fuckin' sobbing all sorts of loud and shit. And the manager's like "Get the hell out of here!" And I'm like "Fuck you, you bald cocksucker! I'll kick your lard.. BETHANY (speeding him along) So what exactly brought you to Illinois? JAY Oh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit! BETHANY And now you live here? JAY Fuck that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a stupid accent so you don't know what they're saying, and it's too fuckin' cold. We were talking about taking off. Until we met you, that is. (kisses her hand) BETHANY (retracts her hand) Right. So how much longer are you staying here? JAY Until you're ready to skip out and make with the sex. BETHANY No. How long are you staying in McHenry? JAY We're leaving tomorrow. BETHANY Where are you going next? JAY (to Silent Bob) Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions. (to Bethany) Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like five years now. It's about time for us to retire or something. Enjoy our salad years. No more adventures. BETHANY I see. (sips her coffee) JAY Yeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the ass? BETHANY I didn't ask you out for sex. JAY I'll take head. BETHANY I don't know why, but... (composes herself) ...I want to go with you. JAY What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? (shrugs to Silent Bob) Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent. BETHANY No, I want to go with you to New Jersey. JAY Really? You're the only chick I ever met that wanted to go to Jersey. Most chicks try to get out. BETHANY When can we leave? JAY Wait a second! What is this shit? Are we going fuck or not? BETHANY You're going to lead me somewhere. JAY Me lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am half the time. If we're not going to fuck then what the hell did you ask me out for? BETHANY Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me somewhere I was supposed to go. I didn't believe it until you said that thing in the parking lot. JAY What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarfs and you promised us se~.. (to Silent Bob) Didn't this crazy bitch promise us sex? (to Bethany) ...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to take you somewhere, and you don't even know where it is? BETHANY (beat) Do you believe in God? JAY (horrified) Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak! (to Silent Bob, getting up) Let's go... BETHANY (grabbing his sleeve) No. wait... JAY (pulling back) I'll scream rape. BETHANY I can pay you. JAY (quickly sitting back down) Pay? BETHANY For being my guide. You were going to leave anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along and see where it leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and all expenses. JAY (thinks; to Silent Bob) I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar. (to Bethany) What about sex? BETHANY No sex. JAY Alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off - would you fuck us then? BETHANY In that highly unlikely situation? (beat) Yeah, sure. JAY Yeah? You slut. Noonch. (to Silent Bob) What do you think? Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up. JAY Alright. But I'll drive. EXT MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHT Bethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, reving awfully loudly. INT BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHT The speedometer reads ninety five. Jay drives, eyes glued to the road. happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to his right. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortable and dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races. BETHANY (yelling over engine noise) What gear are you in? JAY (not looking back) Gear? EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is open and smoke billows out. JAY (defensively) Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever drove before! Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head. JAY Chicks. Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working on the engine as a cross~ountry bus races by. INT BUS - NIGHT Bartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares at the gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them. BARTLEBY We have to pass through three more states to get to New Jersey: Indianna, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. LOKI With a very important stop in Cleveland. BARTLEBY Oh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like a bad movie. LOKI Movies are bullshit. And don't start with me, airight. The last time you bugged me about my job, you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin. (looks out window) All this time we've been down here, why didn't we ever leave the Cheese? BARTLEBY He said to stay where he put us. We feared worse punishment if we disobeyed Him again. LOKI Where were we afraid He'd send us? BARTLEBY New Jersey. LOKI Now that, my friend. is irony. BARTLEBY (beat) You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter. How can you even be sure of what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. Remember when eating meat on Friday was supposed to be a Hellworthy tresspass? Or when people weren't even supposed to shop on Sundays? LOKI That stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never change. And believe me - I can spot a commandment breaker a mile away. BARTLEBY Sure. LOKI You don't believe me? (looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple) There. There's one. BARTLEBY (off couple) So what? They're kissing. LOKI Adultery. BARTLEBY That's a stretch. How do you know they're not dating? LOKI You'd know better than me - let's hear it. BARTLEBY Oh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up on the job you really are. LOKI A test? BARTLEBY Of sorts. So what's your proof? LOKI He's wearing a wedding band. BARTLEBY So? Maybe that's his wife. LOKI No married man kisses his wife like that. You get married and the passion dies, man. Don't you ever watch talk shows? BARTLEBY What are you talking about? LOKI A guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the object of his desire is won, there's no need to expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfied with the spoils of victory, which he then decides isn't so victorious because he's saddled with a life-mate. BARTLEBY Very romantic sentiment. LOKI That's the problem - romance. You think about it :back in the old days, nobody got married out of quote, unquote, love. People married for property', dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself through offspring. When did all this love stuff start? What the hell happened to the status quo? BARTLEBY The Troubadors. LOKI Lionel Richie's old group? BARTLEBY No, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were wandering minstrels and dramatists that sang melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love. LOKI Sounds like the Commodores. BARTLEBY The Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their influence altered the balance in a significant fashion. Until them, people got married because they had to. After them, people started 'falling in love'. Romantic courtships became the norm. What started out as simple entertainment made such a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way society operates. LOKI That's human beings for you - easily misled. From the Garden of Eden to the 'Thigh Master' - thev believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one day they're all going to watch one too many John Hughes flicks and start looking for Shermer, Illinois. BARTLEBY Be fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb. (off couple) So is it adultery or not? LOKI (thinks; to couple) Excuse me. The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki. LOKI Are you married? MAN (puzzled) Why? LOKI Just curious. MAN (holds up ring finger) What do you think? The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a "Satisfled?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder. MAN (breaks kiss; pissed) What?! LOKI To her? MAN What? LOKI Are you married to her? MAN Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no! Why?! Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the man in the head. Screaming ensues. EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT The bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After a beat, Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone. BARTLEBY You're such an asshole. LOKI Don't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores. BARTLEBY Troubadors. EXT ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWN Silent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him various wrenches. Bethany steams off to the side. JAY (to Silent Bob) She's pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. (beat) Let me know how she is. BETHANY (turns on him) Nobody is fucking me! You got that?! JAY At least not in this car. BETHANY (sighs) I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't know what I was thinking. But being that I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is where you two get off. JAY You're breaking up with us? BETHANY Good luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever it is vou're looking for. Sorry for the inconvenience. Good bye. Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked. JAY (to Bethany) Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breaking people's hearts like that! We fell in love with you! Guys like us don't just fall out of the sky, you know! On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky. landing between the two parties. Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, and ashen - as if he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees and rolls him over, feeling for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward as Silent Bob joins him. JAY (yelling up) A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from the sky, you know?! (beat; to Silent Bob) Was worth a try. Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest. BETHANY No heartbeat. JAY Do you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'? Did you ever see that flick? BETHANY (starts CPR'ing him) I think there would have been more of a mess if he fell from that high. MAN Not necessarily. Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face. JAY KILL IT!! KILL IT!! MAN That sounds familiar. BETHANY Jesus, are you okay? MAN Rufus. And yes, I'm fine. JAY He's the fuckin' undead!! Cut his head off!! RUFUS (getting up with Bethany's help) What happened to your car? You clock ninety in first gear or something? JAY Mind your own fucking business! RUFUS (to Jay) Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not easy and it ga\e me a fucking migraine. Now if you don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off. JAY (hiding behind Silent Bob) I knew it! Mother fucker wants to eat my brain! BETHANY I think he was aiming a bit further south. (to Rufus) Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus, is it? RUFUS Rufus it is, Miss. (to Silent Bob) Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your coat 'till I can find my own threads? Jay looks at Silent Bob. JAY Dude, he fell out of thin air! Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs. JAY Dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the inside of your armor! RUFUS (to Silent Bob) I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother. Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits. BETHANY Where exactly did you fall from? RUFUS Some might say grace. JAY (to Silent Bob) Dude, he's talking about your mom. Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there. Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustles slightly. OC BETHANY You know, normally I'd have a hard time with this, but somehow you falling out of the sky seems to go hand in glove with some of the other stuff I've been deaiing with. OC RUFUS Believe me - you ain't seen nothing yet. Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps out at him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick. The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANY Rufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side. Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. He rolls it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it. Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it up hard, into the Triplet's forhead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's side and plies the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC. The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and rips downward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it, disappearing. Jay and Silent Bob look at eachother, blink, and embrace passionately. The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick in lancing position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself, grabbing the stick and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in an arch, letting go. The last Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and it seals shut. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are in various wide-eyed states of shock. JAY Alright - what's with you, lady?! That's the second time you got attacked by the fucking Mighty Ducks! RUFUS (wiping off hands) Man, they're onto you bad, already. I got here just in time. BETHANY How can you be so composed? We were almost killed. RUFUS Death is a worry of the living. The dead only worry about decay and necrophiliacs. JAY See! I told you he was the undead! RU FUS Not the undead, the dead. I died. Christ told me the secret to resurrection once when we were at a wedding in Canna, but I got drunk and forgot it. BETHANY (incredulous) Wait. wait, wait - Christ? You knew Christ? RUFUS Knew him? I saw him naked. BETHANY Let me guess - you're another angel? RUFUS No, I'm a man - just like you and him. (looks at Jay) Well, maybe not like him. At least I was a man. Been dead for nearly two thousand years. Here. (pulls rolled up paper from behind his ear) JAY No wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj. BETHANY (unrollingit) It's not a joint. (looks at it) I can't read this. RUFUS It's Sanskiit. It says "Rufus - see you in two years. Jesus." Freaked me out because he basically told me when my number was up. Took the flavor out of the remaining years. Look, we gotta keep moving. If we stay in one place long enough, those things are liable to come back. What say we continue this discussion over something to eat? BETHANY (snaps) WAIT A SECOND! (inhales deeply) I'm a rational woman, okay. All I want to know is where you, and those... kids came from?! RUFUS They came from Hell. I came from Heaven. (walking away) Let's start walking. JAY Walk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere? RUFUS Back in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere. Did you ever hear of a fat apostle? (exits) Bethany looks to Jay and Silent Bob for some guidance or stability. JAY What's an apostle? Bethany shakes her head and exits. Jay and Silent Bob shrug at each other. EXT MOOBY CORP. BUILDING - DAWN A large office building in downtown Cleveland. The city. hasn't started up yet. A pickup truck pulls curbside in front of the structure. Bartleby and Loki jump out of the back and pat the side of the truck. offering waved thank-you's to the driver. As the truck pulls away, Loki pulls out the article and looks at it. He looks up at the building and nods to Bartleby, smiling. They head toward the front doors. INT QUAlNT SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAWN A ringing phone is answered by the unseen figure in the chair. We move from the seated Figure, passing by the dead bodies of the home's original owners, and come to a stop on the bruised and worn Stygian Triplets seated on a couch. They look scared. FIGURE Hello?... No, they're not in right now... I'm the phone guy... I'll leave them a message... Bye. The Figure hangs up the phone and rises. FIGURE You say the girl has already met the prophets? The Stygian Triplets nod. FIGURE She grows closer to learning her true identity. If that happens, our plan is jeopardized. I can't afford to go into the field - that might compromise us further. The best course of action is to insure that our parcel is not found. And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a girl, I'm left with no choice but to seek outside assistance in guarding our package. (sighs) I'm going to have to summon the Golgothan. The Figure exits. The Stygian Triplets register shock. EXT FAST FOOD JOINT - DAWN Rufus - now wearing some funky new clothes - carries a tray of fast food to an outdoor table. Sitting already are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob. RUFUS (off new clothes) It's amazing the shit people throw out. Didn't I tell you I'd find some threads? A car full of teens whip past them. TEEN (yelling from passing car) GARBAGE PICKER! RUFUS (waves to them) Thank you. (to group) What's that mean? JAY It means they saw you pull that shit out of that dumpster. RUFUS So it's a good thing, then. (handing coat back to Silent Bob) I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have this back. JAY (to Silent Bob) Lucky you. RUFUS (off food) Damn, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk. What do you call this shit? BETHANY (to Rufus) Egg McMuffin. Now how about you start explaining some things to me. RUFUS Like what? BETHANY Like - for starters - who the hell are those kids that keep attacking me? RUFUS Nasty little bastards called the Stygian Triplets. They're not really related. When they were alive they were a trio of kids that snatched a neighbor's toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see what it looked like" I believe was their defense. They were killed in a car wreck on the way to a detention center. BETHANY So they're dead too? RUFUS You'd be surprised how many dead people are just walking around - we're stubborn bastards. Thing is, those kids are supposed to be in Hell. Which means that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they're willing to summon demons. BETHANY Is it those two angels I'm supposed to stop? RUFUS Couldn't be. They're not evil - they're just stupid. JAY (to Bethany) Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this shit? We don't even know who this guy is. For all you know, he's in with those fucks. They both showed up at the same time. BETHANY I hate to say it - but he does have a point. How did you know where to find us? RUFUS You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. JAY (to Silent Bob) I can't wait to die. BETHANY And why are you watching me? RUFUS Because you're the one who's going to help me get some changes made in that book you all hold so much stock in. JAY Hustler? RUFUS The Bible. BETHANY What's your beef with the Bible? RUFUS I'm not in it. JAY Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching. RUFUS But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth Apostle. BETHANY I've been going to church my entire life and I've never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus. RUFUS See? You know all about the other twelve Apostles -white boys, I might add. But no mention of Rufus. And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just my pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error that you people are basing a faith on. BETHANY What's that? RUFUS Jesus wasn't white; He was black. Rufus bites into his sandwhich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him and then each other. JAY Bullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has blonde hair and blue eyes. RUFUS (wiping hands) That's what's particularly insulting. Between the time when He established the faith and the church started to officially organize, the powers-that-be decided that while the message of Christ was integral, the fact that He was black was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric, even though the brother was blacker than Jesse. BETHANY If that's true, then why'd He get written about while you were left out? RUFUS Well He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of hard to have the New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts and put a spin on His ethnicity. Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve apostles to choose from. JAY I don't buy it. RUFUS That's what the good people of Antioch were saying when they stoned my ass. BETHANY You were martyred? RUFUS That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big rocks. See - Christ told us Apostles to go out into the world and spread His word. Antioch was already garnering a big Christian following, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing about Jesus' message, and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned He was black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. I pressed the point, and before I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to accessonze. BETH ANY Why didn't you just let the point go when you saw how they were reacting? RUFUS Because it's part of the facts. White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they're getting all this from a black Jesus, they freak. And that - my friends - is called Hypocrisy. Folks just can't accept a black Savior. (to Silent Bob) You going to eat that hash brown? BETHANY So you went to Heaven? RUFUS Shit yeah; it was the least the brother could do. I gave up my sheep and followed His ass around Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time, did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't bitch, because I was into His message. And while the message is what counts, folks should know that He was black. That's why I'm going to help you find stop those angels from getting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign. BETHANY How do you know about that? RUFUS Heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that breaks the tedium is news. The unmaking of existence is what you might consider a great tediumbreaker. Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you. BETHANY I find that hard to believe. RUFUS When you were five you let a kid from next door piss on your hand. JAY (shocked) You did that? BETHANY Yeah... but I never told anyone about it. RUFUS Neither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later. His name was... BETHANY ...BryanJohnson. RUFUS Your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-known in Heaven. Probably in Hell, too. Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go. JAY (intrigued) Tell me something about me. RUFUS (preoccupied with the OC Bethany) You masturbate more than anybody else on the planet. JAY Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. RUFUS You think about guys when you do it. Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked. JAY Not all the time! Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddie-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufus joins her. RUFUS I'm sorty if I spooked you. BETHANY I just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine exclusively. RUFUS That's the way it goes with celebrities. BETHANY What are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just a quiet girl from the suburbs who counsels pregnant teens. RUFUS You sound like Christ. He had the same reaction when He found out who He was, minus the quiet girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm sure you'll come to terms and do what you're supposed to. BETHANY Why not get the pope or someone holy like that? RUFUS Just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make him the right man for the job. Only certain hands can deliver the world from the brink of destruction. last time it was Jesus - this time it's you. BETHANY Why me? RUFUS Can't say yet. But the question is - are your hands capable enough to carry the burden. It all rides on you. BFTRANY (rubbing her temples) Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home. You know, yesterday I wasn't sure God even existed. And now I'm upto my ass in Christian Mythology. RUFUS God hates it when it's referred to as Mythology. BFTHANY Well then let's ask the quote, unquote 'prophets' what we should call it instead. (looking OC; concerned) Now where did those two assholes go? INT STRIP JOINT It's your typical strip club. One woman on a stage and a crowd of men paying way-too-much attention. The place is dimly lit with red lights and chock full of smoke. Off to one side, a dee-jay spins records, blasting the music. The crowd is rather thin. Jay and Silent Bob sit at the stage. their eyes glued on... The DANCER - a gorgeous, shapely vixen with very little clothing on, and growing littler by the second. Jay pokes Silent Bob, who produces a wad of bills. They skim off a nice pile and stow the rest. They spread their piles neatly on the bar. The Dancer smiles and starts dancing toward them. Jay holds up a five-spot and performs his own little seductive dance ~th it. He stands at the edge of the stage, ~'rating. The Dancer slinks over and Jay stuffs the five in her G-string. She rubs his head and slinks away. Jay humps Silent Bob's chair, excitedly. Bethany and Rufus come up from behind them. Bethany hits Jay. BETHANY (shouting above the music) What are you doing? JAY Proving to this bastard that I ain't gay. BETHANY What? RUFUS Long story - forget it. But we should get moving. How can we get to New Jersey? BETHANY I had a car. She slaps Jay upside the head, but - riveted by the Dancer - he doesn't feel it. BETHANY (to Rufus) We could go by train. RUFUS (looking OC) Sounds cool. BETHANY There's a phone out there. I'll call for reservations. Rufus is now also riveted by a table dancer off to the side. BETHANY No, it's okay. I can handle it. Rufus half-nods. Bethany shakes her head and exits. The Dancer gyrates on the stage, revealing more and more of herself. Jay pounds on the stage, hoots, and dances, flashing more bills. ACROSS THE STAGE a small GANG of bandanna-wearing, angry-looking blacks watch the OC Jay with little amusement. The Dancer dances toward them. JAY (banging on stage) Sweet thing! (Hashes another five) Look what I found! Snoog! The Dancer smiles as she approaches Jay, but is interrupted by more banging. The GANG LEADER has his foot on the stage. He produces a ten dollar bill from his jacket and casually holds it up. The other three members of his posse smile and slap hands. The Dancer shrugs at the shocked Jay and changes direction, heading toward the Gang. Jay casts a horrified look at Silent Bob. The Gang Leader leans forward, preparing to tip when we hear an obnoxiously loud throat~learing. Jay holds aloft a twenty, smiling and nodding. The Dancer shrugs at the Gang Leader and again switches direction. The Gang Leader looks at his posse, who shake their heads at him, disappointedly. The Stage becomes a bidding table, as - on one side - the Gang Leader produces two twenties. On the other side, jay - staring at the Gang Leader - produces three twenties. The Gang Leader hits his posse up for more cash. Jay hits Silent Bob up for more cash. The Dancer stays in the middle, gyrating and sizing up the best offer. Jay then produces the creme'de Ia creme': three hundred dollar bills. He sneers at the OC Gang Leader. The Dancer heads over to jay and wraps her legs around him from the stage, gyrating against his groin. Jay stares at the Gang Leader, a victorious smirk on his face. The Gang Leader shakes his head angrily and jumps out of his seat, producing a gun from his jacket. He fires into the ceiling. The music scratches to a halt and the other viewers scatter toward the door. The Gang Leader points his piece at Jay, his posse backing him up. GANG LEADER You a smart ass, ain'tcha, white boy? Come in here and ruin my good time. JAY It's a free country. The bitch just came to the man with the most. DANCER Bitch? JAY No offense, baby. GANG LEADER The bitch is gonna be leaving with the man with the most - the man with the most led in his piece. While you and tubby are leaving with the most led in your dead fucking carcasses, know what I'm sayin? JAY (to Dancer) Step to the side, baby. I've gotta slap this pussyass, Nino Brown wanna-be down. DANCER (to Gang Leader) Come on, Kane. This isn't necessary. GANG LEADER Shut the fuck up and back away from the midget! The Dancer moves to the side. GANG LEADER (to Jay) Now I believe you were about to apologize. I believe you were about to intone some pleas for mercy. You were about to say "Please, Mister Kane, I didn't mean to disrespect you in your club. Please accept my most humble apology. Bethany comes back and sees the mess. She moves to rush to Jay's side, but Rufus holds her back An OC Jay laughs. Jay leans on Silent Bob, laughing. The Gang stares back, angrily. JAY You want an apology? GANG LEADER (cocks gun) Give me at least one "I'm sorry," and ltll put a kill shot through that thick fucking skull of your's. Otherwise we go slow and long in the pain dispensation. JAY (beat; zips jacket closed) Know what I'm doing? GANG LEADER No. What you doing? JAY I'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this up, I don't get your filthy fucking brain guts all over my shirt. You know why? GANG LEADER Why? JAY Because you can't get shit stains out of flannel. What I'm saying is that you got shit for brains. The Gang Leader and his posse stare silently for a moment. GANG LEADER Well I appreciate you breaking that down for me, but I got it without the explanation. JAY No. No, I don't think you did get it. See, there's gonna he some nine's firing in here, and when the bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass is gonna be all holes and smoke. You think you can draw on me and walk away? Fuck that. And fuck you - you punk-ass monkey bitch! Yeah, I called you a monkey! Maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before I cap you, I'll bring a coconut to your funeral and lay it on your grave; stick a straw through it and stick the other end in the ground. Your lips'll reach. The Gang stares, mystified. Rufus and Bethany can't move they're so frightened. JAY You think every white boy cowers at your ass? Shit, if I don't fucking plant you - watermelon - my muscle here will. (thumbs at Silent Bob) What do you think he is? My boy friend? I love chicks. So he's gotta be with me for one reason: to watch my back. Silent Bob doesn't talk in words - he speaks in bullets. Re's all quiet cause he's thinking about how he's gonna take you and your bitches out quick enough to piss on the bullets in your bodies before they cool down. You know why? Because he likes to see the hot steam coming off them when he sprays them down. Come to think of it, I~m tired of talking to your dumb ass; you probably don't even understand big words like 'piss'. Tell you what - I'll let him explain it to you. (to Silent Bob) Silent Bob - shoot these punk-monkey bitches. Silent Bob slowly raises his hands in a surrender fashion. Jay looks at him. JAY What are you waiting for?! Silent Bob shrugs. JAY (flabbergasted) YOU DON'T RAVE A GUN?!? Silent Bob kind of nods JAY (shocked) WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER, AND YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN?!? Silent Bob indicates the negative, sheepishly. JAY THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT! DO YOU THINK I WOULD'VE SAID ALL THAT IF I'D KNOWN YOU DIDN'T HAVE A GUN?!? (beat) HUNHH?!? Silent Bob raises his eyebrows remorsefully. The Gang snickers and smiles. GANG LEADER What was that about a coconut? Jay shakes his head and glowers at Silent Bob. JAY No gun! What the fuck kind of muscle are you?! All this time and you got no gun! GANG LEADER Oh boys! We have some unfinished business here. JAY (sheepishly) Can we talk this over? GANG LEADER Tell you what - you got thirty seconds. Then I cap you. Talk all you like. Bethany goes to make a move, but Rufus holds her back, shaking his head. He puts a finger to his lips to quiet her and points back toward the action, smiling. Jay fumes. JAY (to Silent Bob) I can't believe you. (to Gang Leader) Do me a favor. (points to Silent Bob) Shoot this piece of shit first. (to Silent Bob; disgusted) No gun! Suddenly, they both snap into a momentary trance. Zombie-like, Jay and Silent Bob step to the turntables behind them. Jay puts on headphones and begins scratching a record. A familiar tune begins. The Gang watches, perplexed. Silent Bob whips around, microphone in his hand, and begins to sing. SILENT BOB HEY, HEY, HEY!!! IT'S FAT ALBERT! AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!! AND BILL'S GONNA TELL YOU A THING OR TWO!! WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN, NOW! WITH BILL AND ALL THE GANG! LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER - WHILE WE DO OUR THANG! The Gang slowly goes from perplexity to enjoyment. The Gang Leader softens and smiles, adding a slight nod of approval. Jay provides back-up. JAY NA , NA, NA! GON NA HAVE A GOOD TIME! SILENT BOB (as Fat Albert) HEY! HEY! HEY! JAY NA. NA. NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME! Bethany and Rufus look on. amazed. RUFUS I thought she looked familiar. BETHANY Who? RUFUS (he nods toward the stage) Serendipity. Bethany looks to the stage. The Dancer is the SERENDIPITY in question. She wipes sweat from her brow. INT. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAY Oh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby, the Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation on Barney: sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits in the middle, a media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls are adorned with framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in a stupid smile. At the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue of the insipid creature. Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. They chatter and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters, taking his place at the head of the conference table. WHITLAND Good morning, shoppers. (slaps a file on table) Has anyone seen the over-night's? An anticipatory hush fills the room. WHITLAND We creamed 'em. A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles. WHITLAND (reading from file) And last night was a rerun, which says to me that with the six months we have to ready and promote the 'Very Nlooby Christmas' pay-per-view special, we can produce history-making numbers. The record is held by that shock-jock's New Year's thing, but I see no reason why our little cash cow can't supercede those numbers and... (stops and sniffs the air) Do I smell onions? Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki is carving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on. Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them. WHITLAND I didn't realize we had guests. Who are these gentlemen with? The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has. WHITLAND (to Bartleby and Loki) Excuse me. Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head. Loki lifts his head without looking up. LOKI (very distracted) Hmm? WHITLAND May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom? LOKI (still preoccupied) My friend just has a few words for you, and then we'll be on our way. Heading to Jersey, you see. Now -by the decor, I assume I'm guessing correctly that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby Productions International? WHITLAND You guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck you are and - again - what the fuck you're doing in our conference room? LOKI (to Bartleby, still not looking up) You may proceed, mon ami'. BARTLEBY I can't believe you. (to Whitland) I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend here has a penchant toward the dramatic, so he's making me do this. Usually, I don't even involve myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in awhile, so he wants... LOKI (frustrated) Just read 'em their rights already. BARTLEBY (sighs; circling the table) Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff -a former kindergarten teacher - in nineteen eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morning schedule on local network K-REL Bought by the Complex Corporation in nineteen ninety one and broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-Time Hour', it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, and spawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, a library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed 'MoobyWorld'. (beat) Did I miss anything? Whitland and company stare for a beat. WHITLAND You forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to this? BARTLEBY (grimly) You and your board are idolators. Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and stands beside Bartleby. LOKI (to Bartleby) How could your forget the magazine? Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up the sculpture. LOKI It's you. (sets sculpture on table) Do you know much about voo-doo? Fascinating practice, very close to Satanism, but not really much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just an arrangements of superstitions, the most well- known of which is the voo-doo doll. (sneezes; waits; continues) A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods, and the desired result is that the individual will feel the effects. WHITLAND (to nearest board member) Call security - now. Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord. LOKI All lines are currently down. BARTLEBY (to Whitland) Again -. I apologize for my friend's... LOKI (frustrated) Would you just get on with it?! BARTLEBY (miffed; to Whitland) You are responsible for raising an icon that draws worship from the Lord. You've broken the first commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. (looks to Loki; Loki nods) Like you - Mister Bernard. (stands behind board member) Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years, eight times - twice with prostitutes. You even had sex with her best friend while she was at her garden club meeting and you were supposed to be watching your kids. LOKI In the bed you and your wife share, no less. The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moves on. BARTLBY And you, Mister Newman. Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania' and pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through the room. BARTLEBY You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party, and then paid a kid from the mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her - guilt free - when she sobbingly confessed the next morning that she cheated on you. She killed herself three months later. You sent flowers to her wake. The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and moves quickly around the table. BARTLEBY (not liking his job) Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her house to purchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker flew to the Phillipines on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy; Mister Bloom okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he knew were unsafe and toxic materials because it was less costly. Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved. BARTLEBY You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life and have never misused your power here. She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on. BARTLEBY But you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I can't even mention them aloud. Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear. Whitland goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland. LOKI You're her father, you sick fuck. Whitland begins sobbing. BARTLEBY (to Loki) Can I go now? LOKI (cheerily rubbing his head) Go on, you crazy kid. Bartlebv exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others. LOKI With the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a decent human being amongst you. Do you know what makes a human being decent? (beat) Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God. Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around. LOKI I forgot my little voo-doo doll. (looks at Whitland) Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough... Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure. Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. He sweats and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out a shriek and smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed. Slowly, he opens his eyes - unharmed. LOKI I don't believe in voo-doo. Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doors burst open and Loki storms back in. LOKI But I do believe in this. Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in a flurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head with her arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair. LOKI (smiling) It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were bad men. You are a pure soul. She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens. LOKI But you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed. He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut. OC BARTLEBY (cautionary) Loki! Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece. LOKI (to woman) Sorry. Force of habit. He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opens her eyes and looks around. INT STRIP JOINT - LATER Jay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the other gangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's. GANG LEADER (to Gang) Watch this shit. (to Jay) Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth. JAY (swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth') Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert. The Gang laughs hysterically. GANGSTER 1 Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit! Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away. RUFUS (elated) I forgot you were down here! How long now? SERENDIPITY Three years this August. What about you - is this another temporary expulsion? You and your 'Christ was down' campaign? BETHANY What does that mean - another expulsion? I thought you came down here specifically to help me? SERENDIPITY Is that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out constantly; at least once a month, ethereal time. They always bring him back, but only after a few days of peace and quiet - free from that black nationalist rhetoric. RUFUS (joking) Artsy-fartsy bitch. SERENDIPITY Who you calling artsy-fartsy? RUFUS (to Bethany) Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes back in Jerusalem. BETHANY Let me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out of the bible because she's a woman. RUFUS The girl's not a woman. (to Serendipity) No offense. BETHANY Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to? SERENDIPITY (tugs on boobs) What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman. RUFUS Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got tits - don't make him a woman. SERENDIPITY Aside from an intuitive knack for accessorizing, what traditionally defines a woman falls between two things : her legs. But as you can see... Serendipity stands and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them slightly, revealing yet another smooth, sexless crotch, quite like Metatron's. SERENDIPITY I lack definition. OC JAY Hey! They're getting a free show! Serendipity pulls her pants back up and sits down, smiling at the OC party. BETHANY (weary) Oh God. Another angel. Like Metatron. SERENDIPITY How do you know Metatron? (to Rufus) How does she know Metatron? RUFUS This is the last Scion. SERENDIPITY (beat) You're kidding. RUFUS Don't you see the resemblance? SERENDIPITY (stares at Bethany) A bit. (suddenly nervous) Oh shit. If she's been tapped, then something's up. BETHANY I'm confused. RUFUS Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel, nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are. SERENDIPITY Amen to that. (swigs her beer and spits it out) BETHANY Then who is she? SERENDIPITY Not who - what. I haven't always been part of the anthropomorphic club. I used to be an abstract. BETHANY Now I'm really lost. RUFUS Serendipity's an idea. SERENDIPITY Try all ideas. BETHANY Meaning? SERENDIPITY I'm a muse, stupid. Bethany stares at her for a beat, then at Rufus. Rufus nods affirmatively. BETHANY I can't take much more of this. (downs her beer) RUFUS (to Serendipity) She's now met a seraphim, a dead man, and a muse. You can appreciate her frame of mind. BETHANY (to Serendipity) So you - what - inspire people? SERENDIPITY What just went down with your friends over there-you don't think they thought of that themselves? I knew Kane's weak spot for Fat Albert and passed it along to the boys. RUFUS If she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines right now. BETHANY You made them sing that song? SERENDIPITY I offered them a solution out of the hole they dug for themselves. Thankfully, they took it. BETHANY Are you kidding? Those two are so dense, they wouldn't get a good idea if it was given to them in a specially marked box. SERENDIPITY Dense people are the most open to suggestion - it's vou so-called intelligent folks that have a hard time accepting a good idea. RUFUS Ain't that the truth. BETHANY Prove it. Give me a good idea. SERENDIPITY If I do, and you accept it, then you'll have confirmation that you are - as you say - dense. BETHANY (beat) Alright. So you're a muse. So what kind of people do you inspire - besides stupid ones? SERENDIPITY I used to specialize in entertainment - literature, theatre, so forth. BETHANY Movies? SERENDIPITY In some cases, I'd do everything but bang starlets on the casting couch. BETHANY What have I seen that you've been involved with? SERENDIPITY Off the top of my head - everything. Well almost everything. For example: I'm responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time. BETHANY Nine? SERENDIPITY The one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? (Bethany nods) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit. RUFUS Which brings us to the next logical question - what are you doing stripping? SERENDIPITY Well you remember why I left, right? RUFUS You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas. SERENDIPITY And sick of watching incapable people take brilliant inspiration and turn out real trash. (to Bethany) So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. I gave my two weeks notice. got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to make my fortune. BETHANY So what happened? SERENDIPITY Writer's block. RUFUS Writer's block? SERENDIPITY Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. 1 can't even write a grocery list. BETHANY What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them. SERENDIPITY That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor. BETHANY Whose? SERENDIPITY God's. BETHANY You're saying God's a woman. SERENDIPITY Was there ever a doubt in your mind? BETHANY The possibility never presented itself. He's always referred to as a Him. SERENDIPITY I didn't write it that way My job stops at the idea stage. The person that holds the pen adds their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. One of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. RUFUS Another one's that you can't jerk off. SERENDIPITY (to Bethany) See. these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees and High Priests felt threatened by the idea of a woman lording over them and controlling their fates. so they made sure that She became a He Doesn't stop with God - the whole book is slanted and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for the first sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from Eden. a woman cuts Sampson's coif of power, a woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again some time - women are painted as bigger antagonists than the fucking Egyptians and Romans combined. BETHANY (stunned) God is a woman... SERENDIPITY I don't know what the big surprise is - women are the only gender that can create life, just like God created the universe. Who else but a mother could have the infinite patience with impudent children that God has with humanity. A woman can give birth to and nurture both sexes, so psychologists theorize that women are the only gender both sexes can feel completely comfortable with; and the faithful - both male and female - feel at ease with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is to implore the aid of the Almighty, just as when you're a child, the only person who can make it all better is... BETHANY ...mom. God, it makes sense. RUFUS (to Serendipity) Shit, you still have a knack for words. SERENDIPITY Not really useful in my new line of work. RUFUS What about that? Why'd you choose stripping? SERENDIPITY In an effort to create something artistic that I could claim as my own. See, I've been able to fool myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it's dancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She won't even give me that much - the way God designed dance, it's the only creative act which results in no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies or most other arts forms. when the dance is over, there's nothing to show for it - nothing to save and enjoy... or sell. (takes a drink) Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse. RUFUS How long are you going to keep this up? SERENDIPITY Believe me, I think about eating crow and going back to the grind from time to time. But I'd hate to give Her the satisfaction of my playing the prodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being flesh anymore - especially this halfway crap. Not only do I have to take care of the aesthetic - the showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I can't take advantage of the benefits - like getting laid or using my period as an excuse not to get laid... (conspiratorily to Bethany) ...the only true boon to having a period, from what I understand. RLFLS Well we could sure use your help. We need someone with good ideas. You remember a couple of angels named Loki and Bartleby? SERENDIPITY Sure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal with a conscience. RUFUS They found a way back. SERENDIPITY (shocked) God no. Not the plenary indulgence loop hole? BETHANY You know about that? SERENDIPITY I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence. RUFUS Bethany's Catholic. SERENDIPITY My condolences. BETHANY What do you have against Catholics? SERENDIPITY Ever been to a Catholic mass? BETHANY Once or twice. SERENDIPITY It's like bad sex - up, down, up, down, kneel, leave. And the whole time you'd rather be watching t.v. You people don't celebrate your faith - you mourn it. BETHANY So if we're so wrong, then what's the right religion? SERENDIPITY When are you people going to learn? It's not about right or wrong - it's a question of faith. It doesn't matter what you believe in - just that you believe. Jay and Silent Bob join them, wearing bandannas. JAY Look! They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang! Suddenly, the doors behind them blast open, pouring light into the onc~im room. A huge figure stands in the doorway, backlit and acting as a sepia filter - the light and vapors surrounding him are brown. FIGURE (deep, gutteral hiss) Not born... shit into existence. Our group stares at the OC brute. Jay sniffs the air. JAY Who farted? SERENDIPITY Sweet Christ, someone wants you bad. BETHANY What do you mean? What's that smell? RUFUS Don't tell me that's who I think it is. SERENDIPITh The stench should say it all. BETHANY Who the hell is it?! SERENDIPITY An excremental - the Golgothan. BETHANY A what? RUFUS A shit-demon. The Golgothan moves slowly from the door, toward the group. NO-MAN No... man. ..of...woman.. born... The Gang join the others. They hold and cover their noses. GANG LEADER (to Jay; loading his piece) Friend of your's? JAY (to group) Is this smelly fuck with us? RUFUS He's coming for Bethany. JAY (to Gang Leader) Smoke that mother fucker like it ain't no thang! GANG LEADER I knew I'd get to wax someone today. Represent! The Gang charges OC, guns blazing, while we hold on the group. Suddenly, the room is filled with screams and wet, slurpy noises. The group goes from staring wide-eyed, to shielding themselves. The noise stops and Jay and Silent Bob look up. The Gang lay about NoMan in trashed, dead positions. They are covered in murky, creamy crap - their wide, white eyes frozen in horror. NoMan scoops a finger-full of muck off the leader and eats it, smiling. Our heroes start backing up slowly, as to not be noticed. JAY (to Silent Bob) I guess we're in charge of the gang now. BETHANY What the fuck happened?!? SERENDIPITY Go for the bar. We might have a few seconds - his short-term memory's for shit. JAY So's the rest of him. RUFUS No chance of taking him down? SERENDIPITY Gee. I don't know. Let's ask the gangstas. RUFUS You're right; let's book. They dash. NoMan snaps to attention and throws it's arm at them, launching a huge glob of shit through the air. JAY (running; seeing it coming) SHIT!!! Everyone leaps behind the bar. The shit flies over them and slams against the mirror above. Immediately, it stretches - Blob-like - over the entire frame, and burns in an acidic fashion. Jay stares, horrified. JAY Now that... is some powerful shit. Serendipity pulls at the floor, yanking open a door. SERENDIPITY Quick! Get in! Bethany, Rufus, jay and Silent Bob leap into the darkness. Serendipity follows, pulling the door shut on top of them. INT BASEMENT Our heroes cower beneath the floor door. JAY What is that thing? SERENDIPITY You ever hear of Golgotha? BETHANY Skull place. The hill where Christ was crucified. SERENDIPITY (peering above) Yeah, well it wasn't just Christ up there - the Romans crucified everybody on that hill. Ahd Christ excluded, they were all criminals - killers, brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the crucified expired, their bodies would naturally lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder in the process. And the result is that walking pile of crap up there: the Golgothan Shit-Demon - Hell's chief assassin. And he's here for you, girlie. Silent Bob stares at a crack in the doors. A milky drop of shit drips through it. BETHANY What are we doing down here, then?. Any second now he'll be blasting through that door! SERENDIPITY Shit's brainless. If we can sit tight for a couple of minutes, he'll forget what he came for. Suddenly another drop falls. Then another. Then a steady stream. Silent Bob taps Rufus and points. Rufus reacts. RUFUS (indicating trickling shit) Looks like it's been taking memory training courses... SERENDIPITY (off trickle) JUMP!!! The five leap from their perch on the steps, just as the doors explode, dumping a torrent of crap on the steps. The body of muck morphs into NoMan anew. NoMan lumbers toward them. The group, attempting to gain their bearings on the floor, crawls backwards. NoMan pulls a piece of himself off, rolling it around in It's hands. SERENDIPITY If anybody still remembers any prayers, I suggest you start whipping them out. Silent Bob stares wide-eyed up at the approaching demon. And then, something occurs to him. He stops backing up and stands. The others continue moving back. BETHANY Bob, get down! Jay! JAY (to Silent Bob) You tubby retard! Get your ass back on the floor! Silent Bob stands like a statue in the Golgothan's path. The demon snarls a smile, moving ever closer. Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls a small canister out. He points it at the beast. A mist shoots out into the face of the Golgothan. It pauses, looking confused. The shitball in It's hand drops to the floor, and then so does It. Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Jay climb to their feet and crowd around Silent Bob. They look to the fallen, unconscious behemoeth, then to Silent Bob. BETHANY (off Bob's canister) What was that? Silent Bob holds the can out to them: it's a small, trial size can of Glade Air Freshener. Jay looks at it, then at Silent Bob. BETHANY (reading can) 'Knocks strong odors out.' RUFUS Way to go. tubby. BETHANY Why would you ever carrs this? Jay farts. Silent Bob sprays the freshener at his ass. The others look at jay. JAY What?! RUFUS (to Serendipity) Who has dominion over this thing? SERENDIPITY Only Lucifer can order a killing. But something doesn't make sense: this thing never travels alone - with it's intelligence level, Lucifer'd never allow it. It usually has some kind of backup. RUFUS Can you get some answers? SERENDIPITY I can give it a shot. BETHANY What's going on? RUFUS Serendipity's going to talk to that demon. JAY Cool! Can we watch? SERENDIPITY Not a good idea. Demon's can wreak havoc on the weak-minded. JAY Fuck you - weak-minded! Me and Silent Bob can talk to him in his own language! See...? (makes the universal metal sign) he'd understand this. SERENDIPITY (shakes her head; to Rufus) Whoever sent this might send mor~. I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible. (to Bethany) I'll do what I can to extract some info from shit-boy here. If there's anything helpful. I'll get it to you somehow. BETHANY (hugs her) Thank you. And... you're a great dancer. SERENDIPITY I'm a better juggler. (to jay and Silent Bob) You know you're supposed to be prophets. right? Start acting like prophets. You should have seen that thing coming. JAY (to Bethany) Why the hell are we getting yelled at?! SERENDIPITY Just watch out for Bethany. Go. Bethany leads Jay and Silent Bob up the stairs. JAY (to Silent Bob) Man, bitch thinks just 'cause she's good-looking, she can tell us what to do. BETHANY She told me that if you behave, she'll give you head. JAY (excited) Yeah?. BETHANY Oh, a demon'd have a field day with you. Serendipity and Rufus watch them disappear up the steps. OC JAY (beat) Shut up. OC BETHANY You shut up. SERENDIPITY (to Rufus) Nice girl. RUFUS Comes from good stock. SERENDIPITY You haven't told her yet? RUFUS Not the right time. SERENDIPITY How uncanny is the resemblance? Those eves, the lips... RUFUS The nails. Serendipity looks at Rufus. He smiles. She hits him, laughing. He cracks up. SERENDIPITY Blasphemer. Then, the OC Golgothan makes a groggy, grumbling noise. SERENDIPITY Shit. You'd better go. I'll take care of the trash. RUFUS (hugs her) Good luck. Rufus runs up the steps. Serendipity tunrs on the Golgothan. SERENDIPITY Alright, Stinky - let's see what you know. EXT CHURCH -DAY A suited MAN stands at a podium, addressing a small thrall of reporters. MAN And now, to speak on behalf of his Holiness' 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I give you the driving force behind the movement - Cardinal Glick. The reporters clap as CARDINAL GLICK takes to the podium. He strikes one as more of an agent than a man of the cloth as he removes his Wayfarers. GLICK Thank you, Mister Flanagan - one of this parish's chief patrons, who donated the stained-glass likeness of Our Lady of Gleeful Misery that welcomes you as you enter the church every Sunday. (off index cards) Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - few would deny that the Catholic Church has fallen behind somewhat in the times. Catholicism usually strikes the average person as an old-fashioned remedy for the ills - both moral and psychological - of a society that has since left it's stringent rules and ornate rituals on the heap with 45's and eight track cassettes. And in an effort to disprove that, the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal, both of faith and of style. So, it is with great pleasure, that I present you and your parish - mere days away from it's centennial celebration - and the continental United States, via Satellite with the first of man revamps that the 'Catholicism -Wow!' campaign will unveil over the next year. (applause) Now, what does this mean for the average church-goer? Are we going to throw out the rule book and adopt a hippie mentality in regards to our faith? No. We're simply talking about a few minor alterations to both the aesthetic and theoretical aspects of a religion that boasts one of the highest membership numbers on the planet. A few applause ring out. Glick smiles. GLICK Thank you, thank you. So what are we talking about here. Well, for example... (pulls out crucifix) while it has been a time-honored and traditional symboL of our faith, we have decided to retire the highly recognizable, yet wholely depressing symbol of our Lord, Jesus Christ, crucified. Why? Well, look at it. Would you relish being a member of a group that uses a man nailed to two pieces of wood as it's masthead? Of course not - who would? I've got enough downers in my daily routine without having to deal with this visual everytime I go to worship. lnstead, the church is going to adopt this new, more soothing and inspiring sigil, which we feel is in-line with our new outlook. Glick pulls a cover off an object to his right - a two foot figure of Christ smiling and giving the 'thumbs up'. The crowd buzzes. GLICK See? Isn't this better? How could you not feel just great walking into a church and seeing this behind the priest - a positive reinforcement that whatever we do, God thinks is 'a~kay'. I love this thing, it's so... REPORTER I (interupting) Cardinal Glick - has the church given any thought to it's position on john Doe Jersey? Will he be given the right to die with dignity? Another buzz rises from the crowd. Glick rolls his eyes. GLICK C'mon people. We're not here to talk about that. It's an issue we stand firm on - euthanasia is a big no-no, just like abortion. Murder's murder. Why won't you people accept that? Besides, we're here to talk about this little guy - your friend and mine... the happy Jesus. Can't you just see it on chains around people's necks, and as the new background in avant garde, MTV videos? INT BUS TERNIINAL - DAY The image of the 'Happy jesus' - thumbs up and all - is captured on a t.v. monitor, a label reading U\'E VIA SATELLITE - RED BANK. NEW JERSEY' at the bottom of the screen. Bartleby and Loki look up at it, then at one another. LOKI And you say Siskel and Ebert have no influence over this culture. BARTLEBY We're getting out of here at just the right time. These people are nuts. LOKI (off t.v.) And that's the church we're heading to? BARTLEBY (steps to ticket window) If you want to go home... (to WOMAN in window) Two tickets to New Jersey, please. WOMAN Jersey's sold out, sir. BARTLEBY Are you sure? WOMAN The computer says. LOKI Come on - how many people can possibly be going to New Jersey? WOMAN Enough to fill a bus. BARTLEBY (to Loki) You had to drag that judgement out. You couldn't just hit and run. (to Woman) When's the next one? WOMAN Same time tomorrow. BARTLEBY What?! Doesn't this place warrant at least two buses a day? WOMAN I take it you've never been to the Garden State. Next. Bartleby and Loki look around. LOKI There's no one else here. WOMAN Then I guess it's lunch time. (she shuts her window) LOKI We should have learned to drive a long time ago. Infinite celestial power and we can't catch a bus. BARTLEBY Just shut up, this is your fault. LOKI You can either lament over our mass transit folly, or you can listen to my suggestion. BARTLEBY It's your suggestions that prevent us from negotiating what should be a simple matter of catching or staying on a bus! LOKI Why fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above? BARTLEBY (stares at him) Fly? LOKI We got wings, right? Let's use them. OC VOICE I wouldn't suggest that. The pair spin and gawk. AZRAEL leans in the doorway. He removes his hat, revealing two stubby horns. AZRAEL You wouldn't want to stand out, now would you? INT STRIP JOINT BASEMENT - DUSK NoMan is tied to a chair in the middle of the floor. Serendipity draws a circle around him with lipstick. Once finished. she takes a glass of water and throws it into No Man's face. It roars to life. The Golgothan shakes of his daze, turning his attention on Serendipity. NoMAN The Muse. They told us you were up here. SERENDIPITY Matter of perspective. NoMan. I like to think of it as 'down here'. I have a few questions for you, sir. NoMan Free us from these binds, that you may have answers. SERENDIPITY (heads toward it) Okay. (stops; sarcastic) Oh wait. I'm smarter than that. NoMan lets out a bellow. SERENDIPITY Face it, big guy - I'm not releasing you until I get answers. This can go hard or easy. The sooner I get what I want, the sooner you'll be free. Now, you can start by telling me why you're on this plane? NoMAN (beat) Liquidate the Last Scion. SERENDIPITY See? That wasn't so hard. Now - who sent you? Was it Lucifer? NoMan laughs in a sinister fashion. NoMAN Our master is no one and all. For a time, he will be prince of this world - and the fate of those who dwell in it will be at the mercy of his whimsy. And then he will sever reality and crush existence, like a thumb punctures a fontanell, giving peace to those who've been without for so long. SERENDIPITY Did Bartleby and Loki send you? NoMAN Resist no further, Muse. Deliver over to us the conflicted one, that this world may die screaming. No power - divine or inherited - threatens the crusade. You cannot win. Soon will rise of the cry of the abandonned, begging your God to put an end to the madness. And only as being becomes not, will they know that the God of Abraham lay dormant while the dream perished in a blink. Your God is not dead - He's brain dead. SERENDIPITY She, you chauvinist bastard - She's brain dead. And no She's not. Stop trying to be so spooky. Tell me who sent vou, or I'll use whatever influence I have below' to make Hell even worse for you. NoMAN You speak of Azrael. (he laughs) We pity you. Muse. You're still playing the old game. The one that could have made good on your threat is gone. SERENDIPITY What do you mean. gone? He escaped? NoMAN No soul escapes Hell, but one. (beat - as if It's heard something) Would that I could cross the threshold of your confining circle, I would crush your half-life throat. But my Master does not abandon me to this mockery of a prison. We will come back for the girl. And when we do, it will take more than fragrant mist to keep our hands from crushing her head. NoMan goes stiff and then limp. His body begins to melt. INT TOY STORE - DAY Azrael leads Bartleby and Loki through the aisles, passing tons of stuffed animals. BARTLEBY Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell? AZRAEL I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. I don't have much time. If they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me. BARTLEIBY You lied? LOKI Go figure. Him. A demon. (to Azrael) Why'd you bring us in here? AZRAEL Because you two fucks are inches away from getting yourselves caught. Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings... don't you have any idea what's going on? LOKI We're going back home. AZRAEL Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven? BARTLEBY Why not? We're going back clean. AZ RAEL Let me let you in on a little secret, okay: everyone is looking for you. Both sides - above and below. The orders are to terminate you on sight. BARTLEBY (shocked) Why? AZRAEL You're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might just succeed where he's failed so many times, making him look bad. BARTLEBY So they're going to kill us?!? AZRAEL They're going to try'. That's why you have to travel incognito - tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. Go about this thing more subtly. Quit killing people - that's high profile. And for God's sake, don't uncase your wings until you have to transubstantiate. Because the minute you let them flap, legions of thrones and hordes of demons will fight each other over who gets to kill you first. (looksOC) Shhhh! A WOMAN and her small DAUGHTER walk past. While the Woman looks at the items on the top shelf, Loki pulls off Azrael's hat and taps the Daughter on the shoulder. He points to Azrael's horns. The Woman pulls the Daughter further down the aisle, oblivious to the trio. DAUGHTER Mommy, that man had horns. Azrael grabs his hat and puts it back on. AZRAEL That's the kind of shit I'm talking about! LOKI Oh, lighten up. BARTLEBY (still reeling) I can't believe they want to kill us. AZRAEL Believe it, boys. They've even got the Last Scion looking for you. LOKI You're kidding! AZRAEL This is big. I'm telling you. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides, and they'll stop at nothing to prevent it. LOKI If that's the case, then why aren't you hunting for us too? AZRAEL Because I want to see you go back. You were both given a raw deal; almost as raw as mine. If you make it back, then I figure there's hope for me. (looks around) In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you. BARTLEBY Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend. AZRAEL Would you expect anything less from a demon. I have to get back to the Pit, before they get suspicious. (turns to leave) LOKI Hey Az - what's it like down there. Is it as bad as they say? AZRAEL Give you a hint: they've been playing 'Mrs. Doubtfire' continuously for two years now. (exits) LOKI (looks at Bartleby) Shit man - that is punishment. EXT CONTRYSIDE - NIGHT The Train chugs through the darkness. INT TRAIN - NIGHT Bethany and Rufus sit across from one another. They stare out the window. RUFUS How you coping, kid? BETHANY It's weird. just when I think I've got a handle on things. something wholely unbelievable presents itself. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed home. RUFUS You sound like the Man. BETHANY (beat) What was He like? RUFUS Jesus? Black. BETHANY Besides that. RUFUS The brother was centered. I mean, He was God, right? But I think He felt left out because He was more than human, you know? We used to sit around the fire - me and the other guys - and we'd be talking about what ass-holes the Romans were or getting laid... BETHANY Some things never change. RUFUS ...and He'd just sit there listening and smiling. We'd ask Him why He never joined in the convo, but He said He just liked to hear us talk; about anything. Said it was like music. I think He just wished He had unimportant shit to talk about himself. BETHANY How does He feel now? RUFUS He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, but especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it. BETHANY Having beliefs isn't good? RUFUS I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant. That was one thing the Man hated - still life. He wanted everyone to be as enthralled with living as He was. Maybe it had something to do with knowing when He was going to die. but Christ had this vitality that I've never encountered in another person since. You know what I'm saving? BETHANY He was big on life? RUFUS It was more than that. He was the only person I ever knew who never engaged in that most ancient of life-affirming activities. BETHANY Sex. RUFUS Debate. That's the only way people know how to reaffirm that they're alive - by debating. In all it's forms. People spend their whole lives debating: we fight about who's right and who's wrong, we fight ourselves, we fight each other, we fight death, we fight over beliefs, we fight over fights. We believe that to stop debating - in any fashion -is to stop living and give up. People say that life's a struggle, but it's not. Life is living. I'm even guilty of it myself, the way I go on about Christ's ethnicity, fighting for the truth to come out. And I'm dead. Even in death, the only way I know how to live is through debate. That's sad, isn't it? BETIIANY Not if you believe it's important for people to know. RUFUS A belief's a dangerous thing, Bethany. People die for it. People kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic Belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. And whether they know it or not, Bartleby and Loki are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me. all of this... ends in a heartbeat. (beat) All over a belief. Bethany nods. Rufus looks around. RUFUS I haven't seen the moron twins in awhile. BETHANY They went to the lounge car to smoke. (getting up) I'll go find them; make sure they're not getting into any trouble. RUFUS I'm going to catch a few z's. Forgot how tiring living can be. Bethanv heads off Rufus looks out the window, then shuts his eyes. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bethany enters and spots jay and Silent Bob, talking to an unseen party. BETHANY You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you? JAY Nope. Just about to smoke a bowl with our new friends. You in? BETHANY And who are your new friends? JAY They just got in at the last stop. Silent Bob moves over, revealing the new friends. JAY This is Larry and Barry. Bartleby and Loki smile at Bethany. LOKI Jay tells us you're going to sleep with him. EXT TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT The train rushes over head. INT LOUNGE CAR - LATER Loki, Jay, and Silent Bob pass a joint under the table and take quick hits, trying to remain casual. Jay pounds the table happily. Bartleby and Bethany lay on either side of the table in their booth. BETHANY You can smoke up with them if you want. You don't have to keep me company. BARTLEBY It's a long trip. There'll be plenty of time later. (beat) So why are you heading to Jersey? BETRANY There's just this thing there I'm supposed to do. How about you? BARTLEBY We're going home. BETHANY Do you two live together? BARTLEBY Unfortunately. Do you live with those guys? B ETHANY God, no. Not they just sort of adopted me. BARTLEBY They're funny as hell. The big one never says a word. BETHANY I wish the little one would take a cue from him. But they're okay, as far as stoner's go. BARTLEBY Lo... Larry's taken an immediate shine to them, and he usually hates people. BETIIANY How long've you two been together? BARTLEBY Awhile. He's great company. He can be a little flaky sometimes, but we've got a lot in common. BETHANY How'd you meet? BARTLEBY We were stationed together. BETHANY See? That's beautiful. And everyone's always up-in-arms about this 'out-in-the-military' issue. BARTLEBY What do you mean? BETHANY Well there's all that macho bullshit about it being 'This Man's Army'. And you two meet and hook up while in the service, which is so special - because it's so hard to meet anyone you can seriously relate to... BARTLEBY (catches on) You think we're lovers?! Oh no. No, we're not gay. BETHANY (laughs) Oh God, I'm sorry'. I just assumed... BARTLEBY No. We live together and all, but at the end of the night, I go to my room. and he goes to his. (beat) Why? Do I come off as gay? BETHANY (laughing) No, not at all. I'm sorry. My ex-husband kind of fouled up my relationship awareness barometer. BARTLEBY You're divorced? BETHANY That's the nice way of putting it. I consider it being dumped. BARTLEBY I was dumped once. More or less. BETHANY It's terrible, isn't it? Don't you constantly question your value - like why was I so easy to cast aside? Didn't I have merit? BARTLEBY And you wonder if the other party's going to come to their senses and call you back. BETIIANY The worst is that I still think like a couple. After all these years, I still have the 'we' mentality. BARTLEBY Mine grew out of what was really a stupid misunderstanding. A misunderstanding that grew into a total withdrawl of communication. Abandonment. And even though it was years ago, there's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder what went wrong. And then it hits me - I was replaced by someone. A lot of someones. BET HANY And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time... BARTLEBY ...when actually, it hurts more. BETHANY (beat) You know what we need? We need some drinks. A lot of drinks. Do you agree? BARTLEBY Whole-heartedly. INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus continues to slumber. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Jay is asleep on Silent Bob's shoulder, drooling slightly. Loki talks with Silent Bob. LOKI I'm telling you, man - it's all about organized religion and society's battle against it. The Rebels are fighting the Empire, right? Now the Empire is led by whom? Darth Vader? No. It's led by the Emperor. And the Emperor is a practitioner of the Force, albeit the Dark Side of the Force. And the Force is basically a religion. (Silent Bob nods) So the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule, and the Imperial government is run by this old religion. What you have, then, is a theocratic government - a government run by the church. So Luke, Han, and Leia are fighting that government to liberate the galaxy from the pious grip of what is, in essence, holy mother church. Silent Bob nods in understanding. Bethany and Bartleby slump in their booth, the table loaded with empty glasses. Bethany is quite tipsy. Bartleby sips his drinks, and surreptitiously spits it out. BARTLEBY You're saying you still go to church? BETHANY (laughs) Every Sunday. BARTLEBY Does it do anything for you? BETHANY (thinks) Gives me time to balance my check book every week. BARTLEBY See? That's what I'm talking about. People don't go to church and feel spiritual. They go to church and feel bored. But they keep going. Every week. Out of habit. BETHANY Or in habit, if you're a nun. BARTLEBY Oh... that wasn't very funny at all. BETHANY A friend of mine told me that church is like bad sex:it's messy and there's no foreplay... (starts laughing) No. that's not it. I am so buzzed. BARTLEBY When do you think you lost your faith? BETHANY I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. And she said something like "There's always a plan." And I... just got so angry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan. But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family - wasn't that plan good enough for God? (beat) Apparently not. (swigs her drink) How about you? When did you lose your faith? BARTLEBY Me? Years ago. One day, God just stopped listening. I kept talking, but I got the distinct impression that He wasn't listening anymore. BETHANY She. And how do you know She was listening in the first place? BARTLEBY (thinks) I guess I don't. BETHANY I hate thoughts like that. But they occur to you with age. When you're a kid, you never question the whole faith thing - God's in Heaven, and He's... She's always got her eye on you. I'd give anything to feel that way again. Which is why I guess I let myself get talked into this pilgrimage. I needed proof. And the opportunity presented itself to find out if it is like they told us in Catholic school. And I gotta tell you - the last few days, I've come across some interesting people that lend toward convincing me. BARTLEBY Where's this pilgrimage to? INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus stirs. He looks around and stretches. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bethany and Bartleby continue their discussion. BETHANY You'd never believe me if I told you. BARTLEBY Try me. BETHANY Alright. But I warned you. Okay - I'm going to this church in New Jersey. BARTLEBY Really... INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus heads toward the back of the car. He opens the door between the cars and exits. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bethany and Bartleby talk further. Bartleby's intrigued. BETHANY I was told that I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering the church. They're trying... (laughing) This sounds so stupid... They're trying to get back into Heaven. INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus passes through another car and opens the door at the end. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bartleby grows very tense. Bethany rattles on, half-toasted. BETHANY See, they got tossed out of Heaven years ago, right? And if they get back in, it proves God wrong. And since God is infallible, to prove Her wrong would... (laughing hard) ..would unmake existence! I feel so stupid just saying it. Bartleby's eyes are wide. He looks scared. Then, a calm falls over him. BETRANY (laughing) But the thing I don't get... is how do I stop an angel? Two, even! I guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something. Bartleby surreptitiously slides a knife off the table. BARTLEBY Maybe you're supposed to kill them? Bethany breaks into hysterics. INT TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Rufus pulls open another door and exits. INT LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT Bethany's still cracking up, oblivious to the on-the-defensive Bartleby. BETHANY Oh yeah! Kill them! Even if that was the case... I mean. how do you kill an angel? BARTLEBY I don't imagine it's much different... (slowly lifts the knife) ...from killing a human... The door behind them slides open. Rufus steps in. RUFUS Where the hell is everybody? I wake up, and... He sees Bartleby. They both freeze. BARTLEBY The Apostle! RUFUS Holy shit! BETHANY (stumbling to her feet) Rufus, I want you to meet my friend, Barry... Bartleby leaps out of the booth and grabs Bethany, holding the knife to her throat. BETHANY (chuckiing) Barry! Don't be such a show off! RUFUS Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go and let's talk about this. BARTLEBY After all this time, this is what it comes down to -slaughtered by this meat puppet?! RUFUS There doesn't have to be a slaughter. We can work this out... BETHANY Is that a knife? BARTLEBY Oh. we can work it out, alright. I'm going to work the blade in and out of her thorax! (calling over shoulder) Loki! Loki catches the action and reacts. LOKI Holy shit - the Apostle! He leaps from the table. Jay stirs and wakes up. jAY (half asleep) I didn't come in you, I swear... (looks around) Bartleby, with Bethany in hand, faces off against Rufus. Loki joins them. LOKI (to Rufus) What are you doing here? BARTLEBY They're here to thwart our journey home, my friend. This one just told me that she's supposed to stop a couple of angels from entering a church. LOKI You think she was talking about us? BARTLEBY I'd say there was a pretty good chance. What do you say, Rufus - we're to be liquidated? RUFUS It doesn't have to go down like that! You haven't thought about the consequences of re-entry! LOKI Consequences, schmonsequences. BARTLEBY I have to agree with him. No one - not you, and especially not this finite-lifer - no one is going to impede us. We're going home, regardless of whose pride it may hurt! RUFUS It's not a question of pride, it's... BARTLEBY Loki - kill the girl LOKI (beat) What are you, high? BARTLEBY Do it! LOKI I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that. And it looks like she's 'on the job', so to speak... BARTLEBY Fine! I'll kill her myself... A hand lands on Bartleby's shoulder. JAY (oblivious to the situation) Hey man - now it's your turn. We got enough for a fatty boom-batty, biggety blunt! Bartleby turns the knife on him. JAY (not quite getting it yet) We having cake or something? Loki backhands Jay, stunning him. JAY (dazed) In grates... Jay drops to the floor, out cold. Silent Bob grabs Loki and hurls him down the aisle. Rufus grabs Bartleby's knife hand. They struggle. Bethany collapses. RUFUS TUBBY! THE DOOR! Silent Bob jumps over Loki and opens the back door of the car. He grabs Loki by the collar. LOKI Wait, man! Can't we talk about this?! He throws Loki out the door, off the train. Rufus squeezes Bartleby's hand. Bartleby drops the knife and punches Rufus in the face. Bethany jumps on Bartleby's back, covering his eyes. They careen down the aisle, toward Silent Bob. He pulls Bethany off Bartleby's back and kicks him out the back door, off the train. He quickly slams the door closed and leans against it. The Bartender stares at him. Silent Bob brushes off his coat and thumbs toward the door. SILENT BOB No ticket. Rufus rubs his jaw. Bethany crawls up beside him, breathing heavily. BETH ANY I should have known something was wrong when he paid for all the drinks. INT UNDERGROUND GARAGE - NIGHT A door is kicked open. Loki enters, brushing himself off. Bartleby follows. LOKI The Apostle is here! BARTLEBY I noticed. LOKI If that's the case, then chick with him must be... BARTLEBY The Scion, I'd imagine. (leans against the wall; slides down) LOKI (in a panic) Well, shit man! Maybe we should rethink this whole thing! I mean, you heard the guy - he said there were consequences. Azrael tells us we're marked. Maybe there's more to this than we thought about. Bartleby leans against the wall, sitting on the ground. His demeanor has changed. He stares into space. BARTLEBY There sure is. (beat) It's them. LOKI (beat) What? BARTLEBY (shakes his head) Them. LOKI (thinks) The movie about the giant ants? BARTLEBY Them - the humans. It's what it all comes down to. you know? Us against humanity... kind of like that giant ant movie. LOKI (beat) Are you alright? BARTLEBY I'm better than alright. I've had an epiphany, my friend. LOKI An... epiphany. Yes, well... that'll happen. BARTLEBY When that sweet, innocent girl let her mission slip, I suddenly understood it all - everything. For the first time in all these eons, I get it. LOKI (beat) Get what? BARTLEBY In the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God. And then He created the humans. And He gave them more than He ever gave us. Our's was designed to be a life of servitude and worship - adoration. But He gave the humans more - He gave them a choice. They can choose to ignore God, choose to acknowledge Him. All this time we've been down here, everyday I felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it pained me... as I'm sure it must have pained you sometimes, even though you'd gloss over it with jokes. But we feel his absence, and why? Because of the way He made us -as servants. Had we been given free will, we could ignore the pain... like them. LOKI You know - maybe you should take a nap or something. BARTLEBY Loki, don't you get it? It's the humans - it's always the humans. They were given paradise; they threw it away. They were given this planet; they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors; and some of them don't even believe He exists. Their ego-mania corroded Hell and made it dark and crimson. (looks at Loki) I asked you to lay down your sword years ago - why? Because I felt sorry for them. And where did it get us? Thrown out. (smiles) We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers. LOKI Wait, wait, wait - kill them?! You're talking about the Last Scion, for Christ's sake! And what about Jay and Bob - I mean, those guys were alright. BARTLEBY Don't, my friend. Don't let your sympathies get the best of you, as they did me way back when. Scion or not, she's just a human. And regardless, our sins are forgiven by passing through that arch. No harm, no foul. LOKI That sounds thin. BARTLEBY Fine. We'll cover ourselves. We'll take out a slew of people. Maybe amidst the body count, He won't notice. LOKI Oh, that's being realistic. Bartleby reaches out and grabs Loki, slamming him against the wall. BARTLEBY I'm going home, Loki. And nobody - not even the Almighty Himself - is going to make that otherwise. Bartleby releases Loki and smiles. He exits. Loki watches him. LOKI Shit. He follows. EXT CAMP FIRE - NIGHT Another Newspaper headline regarding 'John Doe Jersey' fills the frame. It is lowered to reveal Jay, Bethany, and Rufus sitting around a makeshift fire in the middle of nowhere. Jay rolls a joint. Silent Bob reads the paper. BETHANY I don't understand why we couldn't stay on the train. You threw those guys off. RUFUS A very basic strategy - if your enemies know where you are, then don't be there. BETHANY And what's with that? Why are we enemies? The guy almost gutted me, for God's sake! JAY He had the knife at your throat. To gut you, he'd have to have the knife at your stomach. BETHANY Semantics! Semantics that don't even answer mv question. RUFUS Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as my enemy. BETHANY What do you mean, kill? I wasn't asked to kill them -just stop them from going into that church. RUFUS And how were you going to do that? Preoccupy them with a game of Bingo? BETHANY I've never killed anything before in my life! JAY I'll do it. RUFUS Shut the fuck up, little man - you couldn't kill a pint of ice cream, let alone an angel. JAY Fuck you - I can kill an angel as good as the next guy. RUFUS Oh yeah? How' would you do it? JAY I'd give him a Van Damme neck-break, like in 'Hard Target'. D'jou see that flick? RUFUS (ignoring jay; to Bethany) Killing an angel's a two-step process - first you have to cut off their wings. which then makes them human. From that point on, it's the same as killing anything else - head or heart, take your pick. BETHANY You say it as if it's easy. RUFUS (oblivious to Jay) Problem is, I don't think we could pull it off even if we wanted to. All this time away from the Divine Presence should have made those two weaker - and those guys felt far from weak. Either that or someone's protecting them - someone with juice. BETHANY So then we're screwed? (shrugs) Shit, that's the best news l've heard in days. RUFUS This doesn't excuse you from tryng to stop them. BETHANY Count me out. You're telling me they're unstopable, I'm exhausted - both psychologically and physically, the odds are against us. I say we kick back and wait for the end -a little non~xistence might be just what the doctor ordered. JAY I'm with her. I don't care about dying, so long as we're all going to die. RUFUS What are you babbling about now? JAY If I was the only one, that'd bother me because every-one else would go on living, having a good time without me. But if we all go at once, that'd be okay, because I know I'm not missing anything. BETHANY See? You know it's right when even he's making sense. JAY Besides, she said if we were in a situation where we were going to die in like five minutes, she'd have sex with me and Silent Bob. RUFUS So you're suggesting she throw in the towel and let eons of work and history get blinked out of existence just so you can get laid? JAY (thinks) No. Just so me and Silent Bob could get laid. BETHANY Now that we're all but in total agreement on this, I'd just like to finally know - why me? JAY Because you've got nice tits. BETHANY I wasn't talking to you! (to Rufus) Why me? Why do I have to do this? Nobody's come clean on that. Out of everyone on the whole god-damned planet. How come I got tapped? Rufus looks at her. He shrugs. RUFUS Family ties. JAY That show's funny as hell. RUFUS Shut up. (to Bethany) Do you know what the Apocryphal books are? Bethany shakes her head no. RUFUS Most of that information in the Bible came from the Dead Sea Scrolls - ancient text discovered in a cave ages ago. And when the Sanskrit was translated, they discovered data that conflicted with the lore church officials had already established as the basis of their religion. They couldn't refute centuries of dogma, so they thought it best to leave certain passages out - sometimes whole books. Those books make up the Apocrypha. BETHANY What's this have to do with me? RUFUS You've never gotten the complete picture. If they had compiled the material together like they were supposed to, you'd get the whole story. But by leaving text out, the church has presented you people with an extremely sterile and unmoving account of religious history. The Creation. the entire Old Testament, the history of Christ... (let's her take it in) Forget about my whole black angle for a minute... JAY We might if you'd quit bringing it up. Rufus backhands Jay. Silent Bob holds jay back. Rufus continues, oblivous to Jay. RUFUS He goes from twelve years old to thirty. Whole volumes of text about the eighteen year struggle with His Divine nature prior to His acceptance of it were thown out, forever lost to the faithful. BETHANY I don't buy it. Integral material like that would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave it out? RUFUS Because it was all closely tied in with His family. BETHANY His mother and father? RUFUS His brothers and sisters. BETHANY (beat) Wait, wait, wait - Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin - that's why it's called the Immaculate Conception. RUFUS Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch - that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Birth - those are leaps of faith. But believing a wife never humped her husband - that's just gullibility. BETHANY (sudden realization) MARY AND JOSEPH HAD SEX?!? RUFUS All the time, from what I understand. Jesus used to tell me stories about hearing them through the walls when He was a kid. (beat) So you ask why you got tapped. I'll tell you why: a Christ was the salvation of this world once before. And you're the closest thing to a Christ that still walks. BETHANY Meaning? RUFUS The blood that flows in your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the man you call Jesus. (hand on her shoulder) You're His great-grand-niece. Bethany's jaw drops. A high-pitched squeak of a word escapes her lips. JAY (takes a hit from his joint) So... that would make Bethany part black. (to Silent Bob) Man, this is just like when Vader told Luke he was his father. RUFUS I just wish I knew what the hell we're supposed to do now? OC VOICE You must go to the Dagobah system and find Yoda - the Jedi Master who instructed me. Everyone turns around. Metatron leans against a tree. METATRON God. l've always wanted to say that. RUFUS The voice. NIETATRON (mimicking his shock) The Apostle! (sits down with them) BETHANY Now you show up! Where were you when that psychotic bastard had a knife to my throat? METATRON I told you you'd be in capable hands - you're not dead are you? RUFUS What are you doing here anyw'ay? METATRON I felt left out. Everyone's sitting around coming clean, I thought I'd join in with a confession of mine own. JAY Now who's this mother fucker? RUFUS This is the Voice of God - show some respect. JAY The Voice of God? Where's the rest of Him? METATRON Funny you should mention that - we're not sure. BETHANY Excuse me? METATRON Didn't it ever occur to you that this Bartleby/Loki situation was well within the realm of His control? RUFUS If that's the case, then why was Bethany tapped? METATRON You know those constitutionals He likes to take? BETHANY Constitutionals? RUFUS I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. (to Bethany) God's a skee-ball fanatic. METATRON Let's not altogether blow some of the mystery that surrounds Him, alright? (to Bethany) Yes - the Lord has quite a fancy for the game; been playing it for years - He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anyone where He's playing; just goes away for a couple of hours. It's quite understandable - a small exercise in hand/eye coordination has been proven as a highly effective means of therapeutic relaxation. And from what I understand, He always gives his free points away to neighborhood children. Isn't that sweet? BETHANY But She hasn't come back from one of those day-trips, is what you're getting at? METATRON (to Rufus) 'She'? I take it she's met the Muse. (to Bethany) No, 'She' hasn't. And we've been unable to locate Her. RUFUS Maybe He was killed? Human form has that drawback. M ETAT RON No - there's a different sort of foul-play afoot, children. Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path and is keeping them quite well-hidden. is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts. Were He to be killed in human form, He'd have immediately returned to Paradise. Somebody knew enough to keep the body alive, but incapacitate Him in another fashion - He's trapped in a body. RUFUS So God's not dead... JAY He's brain dead. METATRON So it would seem. And as omnipotent as we are above, I have to admit that we're more or less lost without His presence. We've had our people looking everywhere for Him. And I tapped her, because I thought we might be able to smoke out whoever's behind this. But whoever it is has been clever enough to send some lackeys after you, as opposed to showing up themselves. RUFUS Can it be Lucifer? METATRON Thankfully they seem oblivious to the situation in the nether-regions. I know they're not responsible - at least not Lucifer. If he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven. And I know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki because he'd have just as much to lose by their return as everyone else. RUFUS Then what about the Golgothan and the Triplets? METATRON Don't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to Hell. Anybody can summon one. JAY (excited) Yeah? Silent Bob hands Jay his newspaper and points. Jay reads. BETHANY Don't encourage them. And why did you lie to me? You said I was tapped as a test? METATRON No, you said that - I just didn't correct you. You were shocked enough - how do you think you would've taken it if I told you the face of God belonged on the back of a milk carton? RUFUS So what do we do now? M ETAT RON I say we get drunk, kids - because I'm all out of ideas. JAY (off paper) Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church? METATRON I beg your pardon? JAY Here. (hands group the paper) BETHANY (reading) 'Glick Takes Heat for Campaign'? JAY It's the guy in charge of the church thing. BETHANY (reading) 'Cardinal Glick has come under fire for the blatant pandering and questionable direction of his church-sanctioned 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign. When asked about his motivations for decommisioning the traditional baptismal fonts in favor of the proposed Olympic sized lap-pools beneath parish floors, Click responded "Come on - who doesn't like a pool party?" JAY Maybe you could tell him to shut down the church. If it's closed on that day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever - right? METATRON Good Lord - he's got a point. BETHANY I think Silent Bob had a point. But sure - we can go to him and explain the situation somehow. RUFUS 'We'? You're back in? BETHANY Well, mine is a heritage Divine... and I wouldn't want to let down the family. (smiles) METATRON (off Silent Bob) Well, well, well - the prophets finally live up to their titles. Silent Bob shrugs. Jay is trying to look down Serendipity's shirt. She back-hands him. TELEVISION SCREEN - COMMERCIAL Two cartoon ALTAR BOYS sift through their bowls of cereal. ALTAR 1 The same boring cereal again? A cheesy CARTOON CHRIST floats down from above. CHRIST Man cannot live on boring cereal alone! ALTAR I & 2 IT'S JESUS! Jesus pulls a box of HOSTIES cereal from his sash. CHRIST Why not try Hosties! CL on cereal pouring into a bowl. It's shaped like Eucharistic hosts. Milk follows. CHRIST VO New Hosties is fortified with vitamins and minerals, topped off with an angelic kiss of frosting that stays crispy in milk! Christ's hands on their shoulders, the Altar Boys down their cereal happily. CHRIST Hosties is an important part of any nutritious breakfast, and each one is blessed by a high ranking Vatican Monsignor - good for the body, and good for the soul. But make sure you've confessed beforehand... Altar 2 clutches at his throat, gasping. ALTAR 2 I... I touched... m..myself! I'm...s...sorry... CHRIST (smiling benignly) You're forgiven. Altar 2 stops choking and continues eating, happily. CHRIST So try a bowl of Hosties! And don't just take my word for it... A cartoon POPE pops out of the box, eating a spoonful of cereal. POPE They're Heavenly! INT CLICK'S OFFICE - DLSK A hand switches off the t.v. Pan up to Cardinal Click, all smiles. GLICK Well...? Doesn't it pop? Bethany. Rufus, lay and Silent Bob are at a total loss for words. JAY (After a long beat) Does it come in chocolate flavor? The Cardinal picks up a golf putter and begins putting into an overturned glass. GLICK You see? Now this one's got vision! (to Jay) We're rolling out the flavors in September. Big cereal month with the kids, back to school and all. BETHANY It's a bit... startling. GLICK Exactly! And that's what we're looking to do - shake these people up a bit, get them motivated. That's the whole point of the campaign. Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country. And it's not like we're losing them to the Protestants or Baptists - people aren't practicing at any denomination these days. If we can sell them some show - let 'em know the Catholic church has some panache, we can win them back -even get some new ones. Fill them pews, people - that's the key. And cross-promoting - like with the cereal tie-in grabs the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. (sits at his desk, lights smoke) RUFUS Kind of like the tobacco industry? GLICK Oh - if only we had their numbers. But we are aiming for the same demographic, even though mine is the soulsaving biz. And if I have to play a bit of the devil to bring them closer to the Lord, then I'll wear the cloven hooves and carry the pitch fork. Jay and Silent Bob adjourn themselves from the group and approach a hat rack, where the Cardinal's CASSOCK and MITER hang. Jay nudges Silent Bob. OC BFTHANY We really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day, your Emminence. My friends and I have been traveling all night in hopes of getting a chance to talk to you about the Saint Michael's Re-Dedication ceremony. The Cardinal blows smoke rings. GLICK You'd like to help out in some way? BETHANY We'd like you to cancel the ceremony and the re dedication. GLICK (pauses mid-ash-tap) I beg your pardon? Silent Bob stands alone by the coat rack. Jay leaps into the frame, cassock tied around his shoulder like a cape. He strikes a Superman pose. OC BETHANY There's going to be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned. The Cardinal leans back in his chair. CLICK What is this - a threat? Are you planning some sort of demonstation? (pause) Are you pro-choicers? BETHANY No, the trouble's not from us. It's from these renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues... Rufus side-kicks Bethany, nonchalantly. BETHANY Uh... these guys who think they're renegade angels. RUFL'S See padre, it goes down like this - the boys believe that by passing through the archway they can get to Heaven. Granted, it's far-fetched, but the brothers are convinced it's the truth. Silent Bob watches as the Miter appears slowly from behind the partition, resembling a shark fin. It 'swims' to and fro, menacingly. Silent Bob shakes his head. OC GLICK And you want me to call off the ceremony... for that? Bethany leans forward in her seat. BETHANY Well. they're very passionate about it. Dangerously so. They could turn violent if they walk through that arch and nothing happens. RUFUS These guys could blow, and if they do, they're going to take some people with them. Call this thing off. CLICK (beat) Who sent you? Someone from the Council of Churches, right? Somebody's upset that we're getting so much publicity- is that it? Who was it? Rabbi Sloss? RLFLS We were sent by Him who is called I Am. GLICK Cute. (standing) Time to go. kids. Play time with the Cardinal is over. RUFUS (to Bethany) Worked for Moses. BETHANY Stay out of this. (to Glick) Your Emminence, it's not a joke. These guys are an accident waiting to happen. And if the re-edication ceremony goes on as planned... GLICK ...then these loonies will show up and go nuts, thus endangering the lives of all assembled, including the Governor, the press, me, the leaders of the Council of Churches. Heck, let's not stop there, maybe even God Himself. BETHANY You can't say Himself; it could be a woman. GLICK (rubs temples) Your passion for all topics insignificant, including the gender of our almighty lord, tests my patience, people. Now I'm a very important man with very important matters that demand my attention, so if you'll please... RUFUS I'm telling you man. this ceremony is a mistake. GLICK The Catholic Church does not make mistakes. RUFUS What about the church's silent consent to the slave trade? BETHANY And it's platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust? CLICK (beat) Alright, those were mistakes. But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church responsible for oversights of old. Now I've indulged you for more time than I should have. Please go. BETHANY But tomorrow... CLICK (losing it) Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear?! I did not labor two years and exhaust eve~ ounce of my being to insure that this ceremony be a cornerstone in the most important liturgical event since Vatican Two just to cancel it at the zero hour at the insistence of a wandering band of pranksters who've targeted me as the focus of their evening's merriment! This occasion is important for the congregation of this parish, for the massive crowds coming for the plenary indulgence, for me, for his Holiness the Pope, and - most importantly - for the 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign! And neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God... (glares at Bethany) ... HIM -self will prevent it from occurring successfully! He violently grabs the Miter/shark fin 'swimming' behind the partition. GLICK AND TAKEOFF MY GODDAMN HAT!!! ]ay slowly looks over the partition. EXT SEASHORE The sun slowly rises. The day has arrived. EXT TURNPIKE - EARLY MORNING Amidst very little traffic, two figures emerge from the shadows on the Pennsylvania side. Bartleby and Loki step purposefully past the green sign that welcomes motorists to New Jersey. INT BAR - DAWN The place is empty, except for Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob and A BARTENDER. BETHANY I can almost see the headlines - if there were going to be any - "Existence Erased - Thanks to some prick in a scarlet cape. RUFUS It's a crime that a guy like him even gets to wear a scarlet cape. JAY That ain't no crime. You wanna see a crime? Look what we stole from the guy in the dress. (to Silent Bob) Hand it over. Silent Bob pulls a golf club from out of his coat. BETHANY Oh my God. We're going straight to Hell, I know it. RUFUS You stole the Cardinal's driver? JAY I told him to. You know how much these things are worth? That's at least a couple of sodas and a pack of smokes right there. BETHANY What do we do now? RUFUS Let them keep it. In a couple of hours, it won't matter anyway. BETHANY Not that - about Bartleby and Loki! RUFUS We have no choice but to try to kill them. BETHANY (to Rufus) But you said they couldn't be killed. OC VOICE Correction : they won't be killed. The gang turns to see Azrael sitting at the bar. AZRAEL And just to insure that, we're all going to sit tight, right here, until the two idiots pass through that arch. JAY Hey...! BETHANY He wasn't talking about you two. OC VOICE There's only one idiot here, .Azrael... Bethany and Rufus react, as does the very surprised Azrael. Serendipity stands in the doorway. SERENDIPITY And that's you. AZRAEL The Muse. Just in time to join us for a drink. BARTENDER (suddenly noticing Azrael) Hey. Where'd you come from? AZRAEL Nothingness. And that's where I'm returning to in approximately... (checks watch) ...onehour. BARTENDER Alright Plato - sounds like you've had enough drinks already. Let's go. AZRAEL Come on Barkeep - just one drink for the road. Then I'm gone. Serendipity joins Bethany and Rufus. She whispers. SERENDIPITY I was trying to find you - to tell you I'd figured out who was behind all this. RUFUS Is that who I think it is? SERENDIPITY None other than. BETHANY Who is it? SERENDIPITY That's my worst suspicions confirmed. The Bartender relents. BARTENDER Alright - one drink. Then you're gone. AZRAEL Gimme a Holy Bartender. BARTENDER Never heard of it. AZRAEL (to the group) He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You know - don't you, Muse? SERENDIPITY Azrael... don't. AZRAEL (ignoring her) Anybody? Well - I know how to make a Holy Bartender. Azrael pulls an Uzi from his coat and blows a dozen holes in the Bartender. The Stygian Triplets burst through the doors and everyone jumps to their feet, with the exception of the Bartender, who dies. AZRAEL Get it? SERENDIPITY Sweet Jesus, Azrael - why?!? RUFUS (rushing him) C'mon, demon - let's see you try that shit on a brother whose already dead! The Stygian Triplets cross their sticks in front of Rufus to block him as Azrael trains his Uzi on Bethany. AZRAEL (joining them) You maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room -the Christ-Bitch will join you. SERENDIPITY I can't believe you're behind this. Are you really that stupid?! Do you know what's going to happen if those two jerks enter that church?! AZRAEL I'm actually counting on it. And if my calculations are correct, the pawns are moving in to check-mate as we speak. Everyone stares at Azrael, with the exception of Jay. He suddenly laughs. JAY I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a good one! EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - MORNING A formidable crowd of parishoners surrounds a small stage, ten yards from the front of the church. Banners hang every~ere, heralding 'Catholicism - Wow!' as well as the Centennial of Saint Michael's. The media eats it up. Cardinal Glick stands at the podium, all smiles. He's in mid-speech. GLICK I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's Governor, Elizabeth Dalton, for coming out an helping us ring in the first hundred years of this little parish True. she's a Protestant - but we won't hold that against her. (crowd laughs) Now, let me just give you a bit of history on this particular little hundred years young House of God... OC BARTLEBY This is no longer God's House. God doesn't live here anymore. The crowd turns, aghast. Bartleby pushes his way through them, sheepishly followed by Loki. BARTLEBY He's grown weary of your superficial faith and has turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He is no longer amused, and has abandonned you - His favorites - to the whim of judgement. Hypocrites and charlatans - prepare to taste God's wrath! LOKI (whispering) Maybe we should just go. BARTLEBY You wanted your body count, you got it. This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all! Glick grabs a COP from the crowd and pushes him toward the pair. CLICK These are the two I was warned about, Officer McChee. Please assist them off the church grounds. The Cop grabs Bartleby's arm. COP Alright mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a ride... Bartleby grabs the cops hand on his shoulder. BARTLEBY Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. COP Is that so? Well, let's just... Bartleby throws his other hand forward and twists the Cop's head around in one brisk motion. Loki's eyes bug out. The crowd takes flight. BARTLEBY (releasing dead Cop) Ladies and Gentlemen - you have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty Lord. And this very day - I assure you - you will all pay for your tresspasses... in blood. (to Loki) Wings. Now. LOKI I'm not so sure... BARTLEBY DO IT! INT BAR - LATER Azrael still hosts his captive audience, uzi trained on the mortals. The Stygian Triplets surround them, brandishing their sticks. BETHANY You're a muse too? SERENDIPITY Former muse. He was kicked out. AZRAEL Tell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was slighted by the Almighty. SERENDIPITY You got what you deserved, you yellow shithead. AZRAEL Ever the apple polisher. I'd hoped that when you left Paradise, you did it finally because you couldn't tolerate the injustice that was visited upon your own brother. BETHANY He's your brother?! SERENDIPITY Not technically. We were created at the same time. AZRAEL To compliment one another. Two spirits of pure inspiration. BARTLEBY So what happened? AZRAEL Yes. What. Lucifer got restless and started his little war for the throne. Heaven became divided into two factions - the faithful and the renegades. The ethereal planes were chaotic with battle, angel against angel. And when it was all over, Cod cast the rebels into perdition. SERENDIPITY But Azrael refused to fight. He wouldn't ally himself to God or Lucifer. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious. JAY What are you - some kind of fucking chicken?! AZRAEL I was an artist! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle! Our job is to create - not destroy! SERENDIPITY So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those that wouldn't fight, and my brother here was sent down with the demons. Something he considers a grave injustice. AZRAEL Don't tell me that you never questioned the judgement, Serendipity; that you don't think the Almighty acted too rashly? SERENDIPITY You've been waiting for millions of years to ask me that, haven't you? It's been on your mind since the moment you fell. It's been gnawing at you this long. AZRAEL Well? SERENDIPITY No, Azrael. It never bothered me, and I'll tell you why: you stood behind your office, you prick. So you were an artist - big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King... and you're a schmuck. BETHANY So all this is about revenge?! You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?! AZRAEL After the first million years, revenge was the farthest thing from my mind. Self-preservation became the only necessity. RUFUS Meaning? AZRAEL Escape. Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself; which flnallv did. in the form of the plenary indulgence And while I couldn't exercise it myself. I knew the perfect vessels through which I could free myself from torment. RUFUS Bartleby and Loki. AZRAEL After that, it was a simple matter or waiting for a church to celebrate their Centennial, and when that finally happened, applying some of the old inspiration tactics - bv sending the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the Pit kept them cloaked and off Heaven's radars, and aside from the Triplets and the Gologothan, no soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. (smiles) Won't proud Lucifer weep when he realizes I triumphed over the Power in a way he never dared or dreamed. (shakes it off) But no plan, no matter how intricate, could succeed if the Almighty was in the realm of the quick. So I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion. BETHANY How so? AZRAEL Oh no. I've seen way to many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan - no matter how close you may think you are to success. Suffice it to say, the Catholics have been even more helpful in insuring my success than by just supplying the clean-slate archwav. (gets up) The only X-Factor was the involvement of the Last Scion. I'm amazed that someone up there would have the balls to make a move without the Lord's say-so. Believe me - I sweated when you stumbled upon my boys on that train. But alas, here you are - powerless to stop the inevitable. BETHANY Look, asshole - I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence - even you. AZRAEL (beat) Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Do you know that once Hell was nothing more than the absence of Cod? And if you'd ever been in His presence. then you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along - and made it so much worse. BETHANY Humans aren't capable of one hundredth the evil a shitbag demon like yourself is. AZRAEL Evil is an abstract; it's a human construct. But true to his irresponsible nature. man won t own up to being the engineer of evil, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is limitless, and it's not enough for him to shadow his own existence. He turned Hell into a suffering Pitt - fire, wailing, darkness - the kind of place anyone would do anything to get out of. And why? Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself. It is beyond your abilities to simply make recompense for and regret the sins you commit. No - you choose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your 'grievous offenses'. So you bring your guilt and inner-decay with you to Hell - where the horrid imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment give birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be 'punished'. And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and solitude to pain and misery. I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned. I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an angelic beihg. (beat) Would you like to glimpse pain eternal? Look... Azrael places his hand over Bethany's eyes. For about ten seconds, we see some of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery that can be crammed into 240 frames of film. Azrael pulls his hand away. Bethany is fried, convulsing uncontrolably. AZRAEL I'd rather not exist than go back to that. And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it. SERENDIPITY (holding up Bethany) You're still thinking only about yourself, you fuckmg child. AZRAEL Now, now, now. Things are getting too tense in here. What say we watch a little t.v. (grabs remote control) JAY Put on channel nine - 'Davey and Goliath'! A Stygian Triplet smacks him with it's hockey stick. JAY Hey! AZRAEL I was thinking more along the lines of current events. On the T.V. - a sweaty and panicked REPORTER barks into the camera, obscuring the chaos behind him. Screams are heard. REPORTER ...I repeat - men with huge fucking wings have laid waste to St. Michael's... Bullets don't seem to affect them... police who were on the scene are dead... The remaining crowd has dropped to their knees, identifying this as the fabled Apocalypse.. I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree with them.. (looking OC) NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!! (pulls gun) PLEASE!! Please... He puts the gun in his mouth and fires. The screen goes blank. AZRAEL (snapping off tv.) You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile. I'd be pissed, but in a couple of minutes, it won't matter anymore. While he speaks, Serendipity looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob snaps to attention, and locks eyes with Serendipity. He looks to the golf club, then back at her. He nods. Azrael suddenly catches the exchange between the two. AZRAEL Now what was that all about? SERENDIPITY Hunhh? Oh. nothing. I had something in my eye. AZRAEL (getting up) Bullshit. What are you trying to do, Serendipity -get the guy killed? Now who's the fucking child? What did you tell him - to hit me with the golf club? Are you serious? (picks up golf club) I'm a fucking demon, and you'd have him assault me with athletic equipment? (hands club to Silent Bob) Well, here then - take it. Call it a gift. (stands back and hits his own chest) Take a shot - take your best shot. C'mon - c'mon, bright boy. The Stygian Triplets snicker. Silent Bob stares at Azrael, perplexed. AZRAEL Don't you know anything? Silent Bob looks to Serendipity. She nods. He shrugs and swings the club with all his might into Azrael's chest - which caves in, blowing muck and shit everywhere. Rufus, Jay, and Serendipity turn on their captors, grabbing the Stygian Triplets by the throats. SERENDIPITY BETHANY! BLESS THE SINK! BETHANY WHAT?!? SERENDIPITY DO IT! Bethany leaps over the bar, pushing over the dead bartender, and blesses the melting-ice filled sink. Serendipity urges Rufus and Jay to follow her, with the Triplets in hand. They submerge them - head first - in the sink. Cruddy steam and muck blows out of the water. The Triplets convulse and fall still. Azrael clutches at his sucking chest wound, dropping to his knees. He grabs Silent Bob's leg. Silent Bob kicks him onto his back and out cold. JAY (joining Silent Bob) What the fuck have you been eating? Silent Bob shrugs. BETHANY What just happened? SERENDIPITY (collecting hockey sticks) He said it himself - he's a demon. You hit a demon with an instrument of God - the pure side's always going to do the most damage. JAY Silent Bob's an instrument of God?! SERENDIPITY No - but the driver is. BETHANY (catching on) And Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better game. And the sink...? SERENDIPITY You've got that Divine heritage going for you - sanctifing is just one of the fringe benefits. BETHANY Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party. (to Jay) How far away is this church? JAY Three towns over - about five miles. BETHANY We've gotta make tracks, people - there isn't much time left. Rufus, grab his gun. RUFUS Ten steps ahead of you. BETHANY (going through dead bartender's pockets) We can take the bartender's car - I don't think he'll be needing it anymore. Bethany and Serendipity rush out. JAY We gonna make it? RUFUS Was Jesus down? Rufus and Jay exit. Silent Bob stares down at Azrael's body. Jay comes back and yanks him out the door. EXT STREET - DAY Cardinal Click runs to a pay phone. Sweating and bloody, he looks a mess. He presses '0' and looks around wildly - particularly skyward. GLICK (to God) Look, if you didn't like the cereal thing, we could've gone in a different direction! (to phone) OPERATOR! SEND MORE POLICE TO SAINT MICHAEL'S PARISH - NOW!! PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLED BY...! As he speaks, a large shadow falls over him from above. It grows larger, enveloping Click. He drops the receiver, drops to his knees, and screams. EXT SAINT MICHAEL'S - DAY Bethany, Jay, Serendipity, Silent Bob, and Rufus stare OC, horrified. JAY Holy shit. Bodies, bodies everywhere - partial, whole, bloody - hanging, burning, upended. No one is left standing. It's a scene straight out of Hell. Bethany buries her face in Rufus' chest. JAY See? And people wonder why I don't go to church. BETHANY Are we too late? SERENDIPITY To save these poor schmucks, yes. But we still exist. BETHANY Where are they? RUFUS They could already be in the church. SERENDIPITY Which means that if they come out, nobody touches them. JAY Are you shitting me? The brother here is going to shred them with his Schwarzenneger special - ain't you, homey? SERENDIPITY If they've passed through that arch, they come out clean. And if they die, they go straight up - and we know what happens then. JAY What if they just kill themselves? BETHANY They can't - it's a mortal sin. You die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They'd go to hell, and that's not what they're after. JAY So then what the fuck are we supposed to do?! Just wait for a solution to fall out of the sky?! On cue, a body plummets out of the sky and hits the ground before the group, quite like Rufus had, way back at the start. This body, however, bursts apart like a body would if dropped from a large height. Jay looks at Rufus. JAY Friend of your's? RUFUS 'fraid not. OC VOICE It was a Cardinal. They all turn to see Loki, leaning against a body or two, drinking from a bottle of champagne. His wings lie beside him, filthy - blood spattered and ashen. He looks exhausted. Rufus trains the gun on him. LOKI Kind of hard to tell with his face like that, but the Rosaries are a dead giveaway. JAY (goes for the Uzi) IT'S ONE OF THEM!! KILL IT!!! BETHANY (struggling to stop him) NO...! She slaps the Uzi out of Jay's grip. It clatters to the side. BETHANY (to Jay) Don't you listen?! We can't touch them! JAY I wasn't gonna touch him, I was gonna shoot him! LOKI (looking skyward) He's been at it for awhile now. In the distance above - a mere shadow against the sky - something winged soars and stops, releasing what looks like a very panicky human being. OC LOKI We ran out of parishoners, so he just started picking up anyone off the street. You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only we'd been able to jerk off. Loki drags himself a few feet backwards. LOKI I'd step back if I were you. They jump back just as the body hits the ground and explodes. Bethany charges at Loki, grabs his lapels, and shakes him furiously. BETHANY WHY?!? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HOPE TO PROVE?!? ALL THESE PEOPLE - WHY?!? JAY (to Rufus) I thought we weren't supposed to touch them? RUFUS I think our Bethan's about hit her ceiling. Loki slaps Bethany away, non-chalantly. LOKI This wasn't my idea. alright? I just wanted to go home. (takes a big champagne swig) We both wanted to go home. But he snapped. When he realized who you were and what you'd have to do, he just lost it. (smiles) You know what's funny about it? He never could stand to see me work. He said he always felt son~' for you people - that you didn't know any better. (looks up) Now look at him. JAY This guy's drunker than hell. SERENDIPITY Which means he's human now - his wings have been cut off. (slapping Loki to sober him up) Loki! Loki! LOKI (recognizing her) The Muse. Haven't seen you in a long time. What's with the tits? SERENDIPITY Loki - have you walked through the arch yet? C'mon. tell me! Have you gone in and come out through the archway yet?! VOICE No. Bartleby lands beside them, draping his wings at his sides, brushing himself off. BARTLEBY We were awaiting your arrival. SERENDIPITY Bartleby - listen to me! You can't go through with this! Azrael was just using you! If you go back this way... Bartleby slaps her down. BARTLEBY I've become aware of the reprocussions, Muse. I know what I'm doing. Bethany leaps at him, all fists and fury. BETHANY YOU FUCK! YOU SICK, TWISTED FUCK!! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! LOOK AT All you've done...! Bartleby subdues her. He strokes her hair. BARTLEBY Bethany - you of all people should understand what I'm t~'ing to accomplish here. You too have been abandonned. You know what it's like to be cast aside. But while you've only felt the devastating effects for a few years, I've dealt with it for millenia. And while you never see your ex-husband or how blissful he is with his new wife... (picks up her face and smiles at her) And he is... (drops her head) ..seeing you people everywhere. everyday, trapped on this perfect little world He created for you... it's a constant reminder that though my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And your kind knows forgiveness, while my kind knows regret. A lesson must be taught. All are accountable... even God. (steps back) Soon a cadre of police will arrive, just in time to kill us as we exit the church. And then this failed experiment called existence will cease to be. Loki stumbles to his feet. LOKI I can't... let you do this, Bartleby... (he sways as if drunk) I didn't know we... would end existence... BARTLEBY (to Bethany) My compatriot. Genocide takes a lot out of him. He's weakened. And more importantly. he's now a human being. A condition that carries two liabilities: a conscience... Bartleby pulls a knife and guts Loki. He stares at Bartleby as he dies, confused and betrayed. Serendipity nods to Rufus and Silent Bob. BARTLEBY ..and a short life span. (in a whisper; to Loki) Sorry, old friend - but you lost the faith. Rufus and Serendipity and Silent Bob jump Bartleby and start throwing punches. Silent Bob bites his wing. Jay grabs Bethany and pulls her behind a bush. BETHANY (peering out from behind) He's lost it! We're fucked! We're absolutely fucked! JAY (pulling off clothes) I hear you. BETHANY I can't believe this shit! We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found! What the fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?! JAY (pulling open pants) Amen to that. BETHANY (suddenly notices him) What the hell are you doing?! JAY I'd say we've got about five minutes left to live; the whole world's going to end. You said you'd fuck me. BETHANY Are you a complete lunatic?! Everyone's out there battling that thing and you want to cower back here and jump my bones?! We have to go down fighting! JAY No - no time for that foreplay stuff, just sex. BETHANY You pig...! JAY What?! It's all over; nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can either lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard behind us, or we can make with the love. Bethany freezes. BETHANY (finally!) What did you say?! JAY 'Make with the love'? I just said that to be sensitive. Usually I call it boning. BETHANY No - about John Doe Jersey? JAY That guy - the one that they won't take off life support - John Doe Jersey. This is where he's at. BETHANY What? Where? JAY Saint Michael's hospital - over there. (points behind them) There, across the street, sits a HOSPITAL. BETHANY (thinks) Where's the nearest boardwalk? JAY Look, I ain't got time to win you a prize or something, we gotta get to it before... BETHANY WHERE IS IT?!? JAY (scared) Asbury Park. About five miles away. BETHANY You ever been there?! JAY (really scared) Once. I was banging this girl who worked at the carousel. She wanted to do it on the ride, but I got sick and started puking... BETHANY (grabs his face) DO THEY HAVE SKEE-BALL THERE?!? JAY (piss-scared; high pitched) ...yes. Bethany kisses Jay hard on the lips, jumps up and looks over the bush. JAY (warming up) Now that's more like it. Rufus and Serendipity battle Bartleby, his wings thrashing about. Silent Bob is getting back on his feet. BETHANY BOB! Silent Bob looks to Bethany. She waves him over and bends back down to Jay who half-closes his eyes, and puckers his lips. Bethany pinches his lips together and raises jay to his feet, ust as Silent Bob arri\'es. BETHANY (to Jay) Whatever you do - stall Bartleby from going into that church! (to Silent Bob) Bob - come with me! (they exit)

DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to the folks. TONY Yeah, all right. IRIS The Judges Interview. EXT. DRUGSTORE - MAIN STREET - DAY JOHN DOUGH - pharmacist, 30-ish, thin, nervous - chain smokes outside the drugstore. SUPER: JUDGE #1, JOHN DOUGH DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of pageants over the years? JOHN Nope. No. Uh-uh. Never judged a pageant before in my life. Nope. No way. Never around young girls. Even if I was, why would I wanna be, y'know? I-I-I don't get off on that kinda thing and that's really why you're askin', right? S-someone say somethin'? EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - MAIN STREET - DAY HAROLD - owner, late 40's - stands in front of this grubby little store front with his MILDLY RETARDED BROTHER, HANK, who SNIFFS and MUMBLES CONSTANTLY. SUPER: JUDGE #2, HAROLD VILMES DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you judge the pageant every year? HAROLD ...Nope. Never judged nothin' afore -- HANK (pointing at camera) Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" HAROLD Shut up, Hank. This here's business. Harold CUFFS Hank. HANK Ow, Harold - Mom said not the head. HAROLD Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap. HANK I will if you shut your piehole. HAROLD Don't make me kick-ya where the good Lord split-ya. Harold raises his hand, Hank FLINCHES and EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So are you excited? HAROLD ...Oh you betcha! We're happier than the day Hanky got acquitted. I get made a judge, then the furniture store hires us to paint the whole damn thing. (removing cap) We're gonna use the money to get our mamma a proper headstone. Oh, and move her out to the cemetery. Suddenly, Hank runs full speed into the window. BAM! He falls to the ground inside. INT. LEEMAN FURNITURE SHOWROOM - DAY Follow Lester around cheesy room displays. JEAN KANGAS, his meek, middle-aged secretary follows him everywhere. Lester CALLS OUT to a YOUNG COUPLE sitting in a dining room. LESTER Hey Tim, Carla - if yous kids don't try to Jew me down none, I'll throw in a matchin' hutch. The COUPLE smiles excitedly. LESTER (cont'd) (to camera) See, that there's my specialty. Don't pay me less and I'll give ya more. (sotto) Secret is, the hutch is included in the price. Ain't that right, Jean? Lester smacks Jean on the ass. SUPER: JUDGE #3, JEAN KANGAS. LESTER (cont'd) Take a memo, sweetheart. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR REHEARSAL MONTAGE BEGINS OVER MUSIC. Contestants run out the side door as if running on stage. Tess Weinhaus trips and falls, causing a chain reaction. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR - LATER Now contestants run out carrying small wooden step ladders. As they reach the CHORUS LINE, they set the ladder down and LEAP FROG over. SUPER: FIRST DANCE REHEARSAL - 1 WEEK BEFORE PAGEANT CHLORIS Four, five, six, seven. And one. Tess runs out, sets her ladder down, jumps and hits mid- crotch. She then slides painfully down to the ground. CHLORIS (cont'd) Put that chair away! Get it! Come on! Get it! Amber TWIRLS perfectly. CHLORIS (cont'd) All right. Let's got. Let's go. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS PAN ACROSS NEIGHBORS' sitting in lawn chairs, enjoying the music and the show. END ON JOHN DOUGH, leaning against his car, smoking and holding a video camera at his side. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN PAN DOWN row doing a seated chorus line on ladders. Most suck. Amber and Becky look great. Tess sits on the grass with a bag of ice on her crotch. EXT. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK On John Dough, beside his car. JOHN I'm just out here watching the young girls - contestants - like the rest of my friends and neighbors... John quickly turns and starts to pry the hood open. ANGLE ON Pat and Brett watch the girls. Pat admires Amber's moves. PAT (re: Amber) Are you gettin' her? Uh, the third one, the blonde one. BRETT Hey. PAT See? Right over there. Right over there. Brett slaps Pat on the back. BRETT Leave him alone, leave him alone. It's okay. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN John, his car hood open, is caught aiming his video camera at the girls performing a dance. They wear partially constructed U.S. Monument Headdresses. JOHN Oh, this is just a...camera. I keep it in the glove compartment for car accidents. Insurance... You guys got a camera and no one's accusin' you of anything, right? INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN Move through kitchen. LUNCH LADIES haul, serve and prepare food. Pan over to Amber, who's unhappily scraping and spraying lunch trays as they're dropped off at her window. Becky, flirting her ass off, comes to the window with Brett, handsome football player we saw before. Both carry trays. BECKY So, Brett, do you wanna go to the lake with me on Thursday? BRETT Um, actually, I got practice on Thursday. BECKY ...Yah-well, maybe Friday, then. A bunch of us were gonna go cow-tippin'. SUPER: BRETT CLEMMENS, CAPTAIN, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM BRETT (seeing Amber) Uh, I-uh-I'm kinda busy Friday. Amber looks up to see Brett looking at her. He smiles. She smiles. You can feel the attraction. Amber becomes girlishly self-conscious -- adjusting her rubber apron and brushing hair out of her eyes with her big rubber gloves. BRETT (cont'd) (to Amber) Hi... AMBER Hi. Becky notices their attraction and goes from flirt to uber-bitch in a heartbeat. BECKY Giver her your tray, Brett. You're holdin' up the line. Brett looks at Beck, then at Amber, not wanting to make her clean his tray. BRETT Uh... BECKY Give it to her! AMBER Here, I'll take it. It's my job. BRETT NO... (looking at Becky) It's all right. I got it. Don't worry about it. He takes the sprayer from a surprised Amber and starts to clean off his own tray. Becky can't believe his defiance. AMBER Well, you're supposed to put it in the... Becky THROWS her tray on the counter spraying Amber with food as she storms off. BRETT (cont'd) Oh man, you got leutefisk in your hair. AMBER Then it must be Wednesday. INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY Same scene as "funeral bun" explanation. IONA Leutefisk is Cod Fish that's been salted and soaked in lye for a week or so. It's best with lots-a butter. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN Same scene. Brett removes the offending leutefisk. BRETT So, uh, I-I'm not really busy Friday. I just said that - y'know. AMBER I know. BRETT So if, uh, you wanted to do somethin'... AMBER AMBER/BRETT Huntin' season. Shocked at the coincidence, they share a laugh. BRETT Well, uh, I'm cuttin' out early today to do a little duck huntin'...but, uh, maybe I could call you tonight. AMBER Yah-sure, fine...fine. BRETT Okay...well, bye. AMBER Bye. Amber smiles, gives a shy little wave - then, to camera. AMBER (cont'd) Oh, God - you don't think Becky saw you guys, do you? (nervously looking around) Look, you just shouldn't be in here... DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) It's okay. Doreen gave us hair nets. AMBER No, listen. (whispering as she exits) We shouldn't talk here. Stop by my house tonight, okay? She looks around and motions them to rush off. EXT. HIGHWAY NEAR TRAILER PARK - EVENING From the CREW VAN we pass the crappy trailer homes that are off the Highway. (Patsy Cline's "King Of The Road" PLAYS on the radio). EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING Camera approaches the trailer. SIGN on the door reads "Annette's Family Hair Care." Inside, the kitchen has been turned into a mini hair salon. Annette gives Loretta, neighbor, mid-50's - a bouffant. LORETTA What do you mean, they take out her butt? ANNETTE (seeing camera in window) Oh, Jesus H. Christ! LORETTA Are we on "Cops" again? ANNETTE You could be quiet. LORETTA Hi. ANNETTE Hi. JUMP CUT TO: INT. ATKINS TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER ANNETTE It's just the guys that are...you know, makin' the movie about the pageant. I told you about kem. LORETTA Oh, naw. Hi. ANNETTE This here's Loretta. LORETTA I tell Annette, I says, "You talk to me durin' my stories, you might as well be talkin' to the wall." (then) You guys want a beer? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) No, thank you. Is Amber here? ANNETTE No. You just missed her. Amber got called in to the bone gardens tonight. You just missed her. She's in a helluva mood today, anyways. LORETTA Say, yous boys been to the Leeman's? ANNETTE Loretta, shut it. LORETTA Y'know, if you have, you got all the pictures of the winner you need. ANNETTE Shut it up, Loretta. LORETTA Oh, Christ, it's true. Annette begins to comb out Loretta's hair. LORETTA (drinking beer) Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win is Amber. ANNETTE (mumbled to self) Why don't you paint a big red target on your ass, Loretta. LORETTA She's the prettiest, y'know. The best damn tapper. The most smartest... ANNETTE "Most smartest?" Oh, that's good, Loretta. Make sure you get a picture of that. "Most smartest." We're cuttin you off and sendin' you home. Annette takes Loretta's beer, starts to push her out. LORETTA Well, excuse me, Annette, but I'm braggin' up your kid, here. (to crew) Amber's gonna be the next Diane Sawyer, y'know... ANNETTE I'll be right back. See ya later. CAMERA follows Annette and Loretta. ANNETTE (cont'd) They're makin' a movie, here, goddamn it. LORETTA All right, they're makin' a movie. ANNETTE You don't know where this is gonna... LORETTA I got a hairdo. JUMP CUT TO: EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING Loretta holds onto the door frame so Annette can't push her out. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) What makes you think that Becky's going to win? LORETTA Why do I think Becky'll win? You're talkin'... (to Annette) Don't pinch!. (back into camera) You're talkin' kbout the richest family in a small town. It's front page news when one of kem takes a shit. (she laughs hard) Can one of yous boys give me a ride home? ANNETTE Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down. LORETTA So? Be real easy. ANNETTE Go on home, Loretta. Come on. Go on, the party's over. LORETTA Anyone? INT. LARSON FUNERAL HOME - HALLWAY - NIGHT A small sign on the door reads: "EMBALMING - Please Knock!" PUSH INTO ROOM. Amber, back to us, frantically applies blusher to an OLD WOMAN. Another BODY, covered with a white sheet, is on the embalming slab. The top and brim of a HUNTING CAP can be seen. She TURNS AROUND to see the crew. AMBER (cont'd) (surprised) Ahhh! Je-sus-Christ-on-a-cross! (catching breath) Look, number one rule in a funeral home - never sneak up on the livin'. You never know who could have an embalming needle or skull saw in their hand. Mr. Larson's son learned that the hard way - he's buried next to my Grandpa! Amber turns to the slab to continue working. She pulls off the SHEET to reveal BRETT, handsome football player, still wearing his hunting plaid. JUMP CUT TO: INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) AMBER (covering real emotions) Upset about Brett? Nah. Hazard of the trade. I don't really have time for guys anyways. It's weird, though. He took it right between the eyes. Don't often see that. EXT. GUN RANGE - DAY Becky thumbs bullets into a 12-gauge pump shotgun. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So you know, Brett just got shot in the head. BECKY (cool as a cucumber) He did? Well, huntin's dangerous...So, anyways, my mom gave me this 30-aught for my sixteenth birthday... INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER Amber wipes her eyes when Mr. Larson bursts in. MR. LARSON Amber, I need Stella now! SUPER: MR. LARSON, OWNER, LARSON FUNERAL PARLOR MR. LARSON (cont'd) The family's steamin' like a cow pie in July. Said she didn't look nothin' like the picture they gave you. Amber turns from Brett and closes the coffin. AMBER Sorry. I just thought she might not wanna meet her Maker lookin' like a cheap whore. MR. LARSON Well, your "cheap whore" is this family's "lovin' mother." (pointing at Brett) The Clemens said to make him look like he just came from snowmobilin'. Pink cheeks, and... AMBER (starting to mist up) -- red nose and ears. I know, I know. Mr. Larson PULLS Stella's coffin out. INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER An obviously upset Amber puts make-up on Brett. AMBER Sorry I couldn't talk today kcause...I'm scared, okay? (deep breath) I open my locker right after first period and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside. JUMP CUT TO: INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER Amber holds up a snapshot of a SMILING GIRL on a THRESHER. AMBER This was written on back. She turns the picture over to reveal, "YOU'RE NEXT!" EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET TWIN OFFICERS lean against their car. One prepares to pack some snuff. TWIN OFFICER #1 Oh-yah, helluva way to go, there. After some extensive investigation, we figure the Curry girl musta been drivin' and smokin' and KABLEWEY! TWIN OFFICER #2 (holding a Skoal tin) Not enough left of her to fill a tin. He puts a pinch between his cheek and gum. INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER A visibly upset Amber still applies make-up to Brett. AMBER Yah-sure, Tammy liked to driver her dad's thresher - she said the heavy vibration helped her think, y'know? But I know for a fact she only smoked after a good drive. You ask me or anyone else who isn't scared to talk about it - Tammy was murdered. (holding back tears) God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this... (to crew guy) Toss me "Caucasian #5," would ya? A crew guy walks IN FRAME and hands her a make-up jar. AMBER (cont'd) Man, I can't wait for fishin' season... Mr. Larson bursts in, white as a corpse. MR. LARSON Amber... AMBER No, don't say it. Another stray bullet to the head. She adjusts Brett's red plaid hunting cap. AMBER (cont'd) I'm gonna need more caps. MR. LARSON You hafta go home. There's some kinda emergency at the trailer park. AMBER Relax, that's my ma's code for, "Bring home milk and a carton-a Luckys." MR. LARSON No. Loretta called. There's been a... a fire. She grabs the keys and RUNS OUT. EXT. TRAILER PARK STREET/INT. HEARSE - NIGHT Amber drives fast and furious as we come to what's left of her trailer. All the NEIGHBORS are out drinkin' beers, eatin' food and watchin' the excitement. AMBER Oh my God - no! Is my mom okay? Was she home? Hearse SCREECHES to a halt. We hear a THUD, then MOANS from in back. Amber jumps out. Camera follows, a la "COPS." It's pandemonium with fire trucks, neighbors, an ambulance, etc. AMBER (cont'd) Mom! Mom!? MOMMMM! Loretta runs up to Amber as TWO FIREMEN approach. FIREMAN #1 You family? LORETTA No, she's just screamin' "Mom, Mom!" kcause she's got Tourettes... She's Annette's kid, dipshit. AMBER (to Loretta) Is Mom okay? LORETTA She's alive, sweetie. AMBER Where is she?! LORETTA She's right over there. Camera pans over to see a semi-conscious Annette as they load her stretcher into the ambulance, shut the doors and start to pull away. Amber runs after them. AMBER Mommmm! I'll be right behind you in the hearse! LORETTA Don't let that worry you, Annette! EST. SHOT - FARMINGTON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM A DOCTOR, Amber and Loretta stand beside Annette, who's got an I.V., bandages and her LEFT HAND wrapped and ELEVATED. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So, doctor, is this sort of an unusual injury here? DOCTOR Oh you betcha, this was a doozy. Right now, our chief concern is to stabilize Annette, then, in surgery, remove this here. Removing BANDAGE to reveal BEER CAN, still held in her hand. AMBER Oh, Mom, it's so ugly. ANNETTE Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press- ons. (weak) Well, I sat down for a beer and KA- BLEWEY! Next thing I know, somethin' blows through my kitchen window. Next thing I know, I'm ass up in Loretta's flower bed. EXT. TRAILER PARK - DUSK SHAKY VIDEO of a 15 year-old rocker KID from the NECK ROCKER KID #1 (Beavis with a MN accent) Yah-dude, put another fuckin' book under it. ROCKER KID #2 (O.S.) Don't say "fuckin'." My ma's got the windows open. CAMERA MOVES, then steadies. We see all of Rocker Kid #1. Rocker Kid #2 runs into the shot with his guitar. ROCKER KID #2 (cont'd) kKay-dude, hurry. We gots like two fuckin' minutes left on the battery. ROCKER KID #1 A one...two...one-two-three... SUDDENLY Annette's' trailer EXPLODES behind them! Rocker Kids turn to see a BODY (Annette's) FLY through the air. ROCKER KIDS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM ANNETTE (to Amber) I shoved your tap shoes in my jeans before I was blown outta the house, Honey. Check with the guy who cut my pants off. He should have kem. AMBER Mom, uh, about that...I-I'm-oh God... Amber starts to cry and runs out. ANNETTE Oh-Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph, she's pregnant! (calling after her) If you are - come back, sweetie. Mommy wants to talk, then KILL YOU! LORETTA (running after Amber) Annette, why don't you just see if there's any beer left in that can and relax a bit. INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT Loretta and Amber face off. LORETTA You're what?! AMBER I-I'm quittin' the pageant. LORETTA I heard you, I was just tryin' to scare you into changin' your mind. Oh for Chrissakes, Amber, the woman clung to your tap shoes while flyin' through the air like a Goddamn lawn dart! AMBER Oh God, I'm dead... A candy striper approaches them. CANDY STRIPER Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her friend Serious Sally, how kbout some nice cool mints to turn those frowns upside-down. "S." LORETTA (to candy striper) D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if I shoved your head up your ass? Fear sweeps over the Candy Striper - she bolts down the hall! Loretta puts an arm around Amber and starts to walk down the opposite direction. AMBER So, what do I say? LORETTA Simple. Just say, "Mom, I know you sacrificed everything - relationships, dreams - your tummy, ass and thighs - all to bring me into this world. All so I could have tap lessons and be in the pageant - the same one you were in. But, y'know what? I'm quittin'." There. Easy as pie. AMBER Oh my God. I'm so dead... LORETTA Yeah, you betcha... INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - NIGHT Follow Amber in past the now crying candy striper. ANNETTE (throwing mints) Go on! Get out! AMBER Mom, look, don't say anything. First of all, I'm not pregnant. Amber sits on the bed. Annette grabs her shirt. AMBER (cont'd) Mom! ANNETTE I ain't lettin' go ktil you tell me what's up. I'm reaching' a point where I'd kill someone for the nicotine on their fingernails. AMBER (deep breath) Okay. Yesterday I...I got this picture. So I kinda, y'know, I'm thinkin' no. I'm gonna, I-I-I'm gonna quit the pageant. ANNETTE What?! She hits Amber with her beer-canned hand. AMBER Ow! ANNETTE (to camera) Would yous boys excuse us a second? Loretta, you too. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM SHOT THROUGH the window. Amber paces around Annette's bed. AMBER Nice mouth you got there, Mom, but I- I'm not goin' through this again. ANNETTE You're not goin' through this again? You? You're not the one who knows how Jiffy Pop feels. AMBER Oh, c'mon... First the picture of Tammy, then Brett Clemens, now this? It's scary. ANNETTE Let me tell you "scary," Amber. Look at me. Do you wanna look like you been rode hard and put away wet at my age? I'm a "lifer" here. Best I can hope for is to end up in a descent "raisin ranch" where they'll change me twice a day. AMBER That's it, I'm goin'... ANNETTE Honest to God, if I got to do it over? I'd start walkin' outta this town the minute I took my first step. Practically the only thing I wouldn't do different is have you... Amber sits on the bed. AMBER God I hope that's you and not your concussion talkin'. ANNETTE (smiling) It's me...I just don't want this to be the thing you'd do over. This pageant's your ticket outta here. I know you can win, Amber. ANNETTE (cont'd) C'mere. I love you so much. AMBER I love you much. Annette hugs Amber. INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT Follow a jubilant Amber and Loretta. LORETTA Hell-no, she ain't quittin'. AMBER No. Mom said if I did, she'd look up my dad and marry him. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So has your mom kept your dad's life a secret? AMBER No. She never hid the fact that my dad picked his career over us. What'd she used to say? LORETTA "Once a carnie, always a carnie." AMBER Oh-yah. EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - MORNING The twin officers lean against their car. TWIN OFFICER #1 The Atkins fire? Foul play? Shit-no. After some thorough investigatin', we determined it musta been a bad wirin'. Mosta them trailer-folk plug a TV, VCR, crock pot and Fry-daddy into one outlet and don't think nothin' of it ktil KABLEWEY! TWIN OFFICER #2 (taking a pinch of Skoal) Not enough left to fill a tin. INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - DAY Annette is in bad shape. The candy striper nervously stands beside her, holding a syringe. ANNETTE "Bad wirin'?!" Well, if that ain't the biggest crock-a-shit ever. (turning on the candy striper) Ooowwww-Jesus! Did K-Mart have a sale on dull needles? CANDY STRIPER I-I just need one more "do-over." EXT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. Follow the contestants up to the door. INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL A smokey room with DRUNKEN VETS at the bar and CONTESTANTS, in Sunday best, crowded around some tables. They couldn't seem more out of place. INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL SUPER: JUDGES INTERVIEWS - 3 DAYS BEFORE THE PAGEANT GLADYS So, remember the three most important parts of a good interview... IRIS Okay, everybody, listen up! GLADYS Number one, American Teen Princess' don't cross their legs like streetwalkers. The girls put their knees together. GLADYS (cont'd) Excuse me, Miss Penthouse Ninety- eight, put your knees together. (contestants laugh) I could drive a boat show in there. Gladys paces. GLADYS (cont'd) Ankles together. Hands resting lightly on your laps. Good. Sit up straight. Smile! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL GLADYS All right. Number two: the judges are as nervous as you are. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM JUDGES - HAROLD, JOHN and JEAN KANGAS (Lester's secretary) sit at a table, clipboards in front of them, STARING at the camera. HANKS sits behind them, fidgeting. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So are you about ready to start the judging - start the interview, there? JOHN (after long beat) Uh, I-I guess I could answer that. Yep. We're ready. So, we should probably get the young girls in here, then. Y'know, to start the interviews... V.F.W. - BACK ROOM Tess enters, sits, then quickly remembers how to sit. Judges nervously look at their clipboards - pencils ready. HAROLD (trouble reading) Uh, "if you could be any tree in the woods, what kinda tree would you be?" TESS (long pause) Dogwood. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON MOLLY HOWARD, seated. MOLLY Bonsai. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE, seated. LESLIE Green? V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON MICHELLE JOHANSON, seated. MICHELLE A tree? I can be any tree you want. Gimme a minute. She begins vocal and facial warm-up exercises. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON BECKY, seated. BECKY One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose, a solid Christian trunk and long leafy branches to provide shade for handicapped kids on a hot summer day. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LISA SWENSON, seated, staring for a long beat, then: LISA You guys know the retard's pants are open? (laughing) I don't want to see that. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON THE JUDGES - Harold reads, John stares longingly. HAROLD "Who would you pick to be president, dead or alive?" PAN OVER to Molly Howard. MOLLY Uh, Emperor Hirohito. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE, seated... LESLIE Brett Favre! V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON BECKY, seated. BECKY My mother, kcause she could solve world hunger with one of her blue- ribbon rhubarb pies, create world peace with one of her prayers and still find time to look beautiful...for my dad, Lester Leeman. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE John Dough drinks nervously from his water glass. JOHN D-do you like to swim? The other judges look at him, then at their clipboards trying to find this question. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LISA SWENSON LISA Oh-yah, I love to swim. When I was in New York, I met Greg Louganis at one-a my brothers' shows... V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE Janelle, sings a long answer. The Judges look at each other confused and frustrated. JOHN What the hell is she trying to say? (yelling) Say it! JANELLE The ktards pants are completely off! The Judges turn and look at Hank. HAROLD Close up shop. Close up shop, Hank. HANK Harold! HAROLD Close up shop! V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON HAROLD HAROLD You Amber Atkins? AMBER (O.S.) Yes. Yes I am. Thank you, hello. All judges turn a page on their clipboards. HAROLD "Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order." PAN OVER to a stunned Amber. AMBER Seriously? HAROLD (O.S.) Ah-yep. Amber can't believe what she's hearing. AMBER Well, ah...Alabama. A-L-A-B-A-M-A. Alaska. A-L-A-S-K-A. Arizona. A-R-I- Z-O-N-A. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE AMBER West Virginia. W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-N-I-A. Wisconsin. W-I-S-C-O-N-S-O-N. Wyoming. W-Y-O-M-I-N-G. Pan over to Judges. They can't believe it. Hank CLAPS retardedly. He loves her. HAROLD (looking at others) Uh-okay, then. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM A NURSE now stands beside Mary. MARY With two weeks until the pageant... (continued labored breaths) I was practicing my talent. Finishing my costume, brushing up on current events, and running eighteen miles a day on about four hundred calories. I was ready. The nurse gives her a hit of oxygen. Mary smiles and gives a THUMBS UP from behind the oxygen mask. DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY PAN DOWN long, narrow room. A counter, with mirrors and bare bulbs, cover one wall. Girls set up their areas and change into their talent costumes. SUPER: DRESS REHEARSAL - DAY BEFORE THE PAGEANT IRIS Coupla things...Gladys wants to be sure we go in show order today. All right? So very important. Don't forget that. CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON LESLIE MILLER, in cheerleading uniform, standing beside small framed photos of her boyfriend on the counter. LESLIE (unusually serious) Oh-yah, really nervous. It's been about two months. I haven't told my boyfriend yet. How did you know? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) I meant, nervous about the pageant? LESLIE (suddenly perky) Oh! Nervous about the pageant! Yah sure! She kisses a photo and GIGGLES. CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON BECKY holding a sequin-covered poodle skirt and sweater. BECKY There are eight thousand sequins and fifteen hundred beads on the skirt, alone. My mom and Mrs. Lopez make it. She's one of my father's many Mexican (Me'hee'kan) workers he lifts from the poverty they know in Mexico (Me'heek'koe). CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON AMBER ATKINS at the far end of the counter. AMBER Yah-my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming like this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap costume on the roof-a their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part. It was still on the hanger. DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON TESS WEINHAUS wearing "I love German Shepherds" sweatshirt, standing beside various trinkets. TESS And, uh, this is my lucky bolt. They think it fell from a DC-10. The doctor said I was lucky the flat side hit me, um, otherwise it coulda gone right through my head. (holds up red tap dress) I know, I know, gives me the willies, too. I guess the explosion... Janelle Betz, wearing a flowing, nymph-like dress with ballet slippers, glides up to Amber. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) Amber? Can we switch numbers? I need to go first. (smiling to camera) My cousin just had a deaf baby and I get to go see it! AMBER Yah-sure, eight's my luck number anyway. Diane Sawyer was number eight at her local. JANELLE Thank you. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY ON STAGE "Through the Eyes of Love" plays as Janelle performs her INTERPRETATIVE DANCE while signing the words. In the f.g., Gladys appears very serious. GLADYS (loud whisper) I'll be honest. This is a hard time for me. This is the part of the pageant when you realize that tomorrow night, all but one of these girls will walk out of here a loser. It's hard for me to know how that must feel, but I'm sure it doesn't feel good. In b.g., a BIG STAGE LIGHT FALLS on Janelle's head. CRASH! Gladys and CAMERA rush the stage. "Through the Eyes of Love" continues throughout. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - PORCH - THAT NIGHT A very shaken Amber paces. AMBER Don't you get it? I was supposed to go first. I was contestant number one. That light was meant for my head. If Janelle hadn't wanted to change numbers... God, I owe my life to that deaf baby. Loretta enters, portable phone and drink in hand. LORETTA That was your mom. She wanted you to have this. AMBER (taking drink) Really, Loretta? LORETTA (avoiding eye contact) You-betcha. AMBER My mom wanted me to have this? LORETTA Oh, shut up. I thought it might help you get some sleep. AMBER Loretta, never have kids. LORETTA Well God-love-ya for thinkin' I still could. Loretta pulls a bag out of a closet and hands it to Amber. LORETTA (cont'd) Here, your ma did want you to have this since your other one got toasted and all. Amber pulls out an ELEGANT GREEN GOWN. AMBER Oh...my...God! It's just like Diane Sawyer's! kCourse it's not a size ten, Diane was a little hippy back then. Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! She hugs Loretta. EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT SUPER: NIGHT OF THE PAGEANT BANNER: "Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant, sponsored by Sarah Rose COSMETICS." The ENTIRE TOWN is excitedly entering. CLOSE ON Mr. and Mrs. Howard and their daughter Tina, who's embarrassed and continues to rant as they pass. All three wear T-shirts with MOLLY'S FACE on them. MR. HOWARD MRS. HOWARD Go Molly! Go! Number one daughter! Behind them Leslie Miller's boyfriend, PAT, and a group of ROWDY GUYS approach. PAT Whooo! Leslie kicks Teen Princess ass! Go Muskies! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY STAGE IS DARK. Crowd takes their seats. You can feel the electricity. We hear the TAPE of a DRUM ROLL. SPOTLIGHT hits center stage. Gladys enters wearing a gaudy gown, takes mic. Applause! GLADYS Welcome, welcome. Okay, alright, now. Is this for me or the gown? Laughter and applause trail off. GLADYS (cont'd) Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant. While every contestant you'll meet tonight is special and unique, they all have one thing in common. They're all "Proud - to - be - an - American!" Wild applause! Jazzy patriotic medley tape. Gym doors fly open and like a Felliniesque Vegas review, CONTESTANTS enter wearing gowns and U.S. Monument Headdresses. They struggle to maintain balance as they dance, moving only their arms, on stage. CUT TO: Becky, whose head is built like another president into Mount Rushmore, is first at the mic. (The "dance" continues behind each contestant as she steps up to the mic.) BECKY I chose Mount Rushmore, because to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans, who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me - Rebecca Leeman - PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE A MONTAGE of OPENING NUMBER INTRODUCTIONS ON LISA SWENSON wearing a Statue of Liberty Headdress. (It's a Barbie Doll that holds an unlit birthday candle.) LISA Living in a country where Lady Liberty keeps her flame burning bright. She reaches up with a lighter to light the candle. It's hard to reach and won't light. LISA (cont'd) Keeps her flame burning bright... INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE MILLER as she seductively strokes the sides of her Washington Monument Headdress. LESLIE The Washington Monument... Guys WHOOP and CHEER O.S. LESLIE (cont'd) (enjoying this) ..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be an American. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON AMBER ATKINS with a MAP OF THE U.S. HEADDRESS, dances up to the mic. AMBER Living in a country where no matter who you are or where you come from, you can grow up and become what you've always dreamed of, makes me, Amber Atkins, proud to be an American! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON MOLLY HOWARD wearing an Atomic Blast at Hiroshima Headdress. MOLLY Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard, proud to be an Asian-American. As she steps away from the mic, Tess Weinhaus, wearing a huge ball of twine headdress, dances up to the mic. TESS Uh, this, uh, my Uncle Phil's World's Largest Ball of Twine, in Bundy Minnesota, makes me, um, it makes me proud I'm American - I kinda misunderstood the assignment. The ball of twine falls to the floor and rolls off the stage, still attached at one end to her head. BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM Pandemonium! Contestants change into their "Physical Fitness" outfits. (T-shirts with red flags, shorts) Civil Servettes try to help. A LARGE PICTURE of Janelle Betz sits at her counter space. IRIS Okay, okay! Listen-up. Coupla notes from last night's dress rehearsal. (off clipboard) Number one, Gladys says a coupla yous are gettin' sexy with your hips durin' the "Physical Fitness" routine... AMBER Oh my God! My-my tap costume's gone. Commotion stops. Becky continues to get ready. IRIS Uh, Amber? We're not puttin' on our Talent costumes. You need to put on your "Physical Fitness" outfit. And let's shake a leg, ladies. AMBER No, wait. It-it was here before the openin' number...wait. What am I sayin'? I should just ask you, Becky. Where is it? Becky freezes, staring daggers at Amber. BECKY What? AMBER You heard me. Where is it? The other contestants slowly clear a path between them. BECKY If you're gettin' at somethin', you better just say it. AMBER I just did. BECKY Well then, you better be willin' to back it up, kcause you're talkin' like crazy. They start to slowly circle each other - a cat fight's brewin'. AMBER Oh-oh, you bring me some of that snotty attitude, Becky - bring it on. BECKY Well, as my mother says at Sunday dinner, "Come and get it," bitch! AMBER Oh, I'll "get it." I'll "get it" all right. I might even take seconds. They're moving ever closer... BECKY If you want seconds, then I'll make sure it's hot enough for ya. AMBER Bitch! IRIS (stepping between them) Girls! Girls! BECKY Give me your stringy-ass hair! AMBER I'll get you! CREW GUY (O.S.) (barely audible) Oh God, don't stop kem now... BECKY You're choking my, you fucking bitch! IRIS (putting hand over camera) Y'know, I-I don't think yous boys should, uh, should be in here while the girls are changin'. AMBER I hate her! IRIS We all do. Now let's go. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Gladys is center stage. GLADYS Yah-so how kbout a big round of applause for last year's Mount Rose American Teen Princess, in a farewell performance. Who could forget her lip- synching to "Don't Cry Out Loud," by Melissa Manchester. And here she is, Mary Johanson! Applause! Gladys exits. TAPED MUSIC "It's My Turn." A NURSE pushes MARY JOHANSON out in her wheelchair, complete with portable oxygen. Mary wears a gigantic black wig and silver gown which hangs off her boney body. She moves her lips to the words as the nurse pushes her emotionally around the stage. EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY Contestants, in "physical fitness" outfits, wait outside the double doors, holding freshly painted red, white and blue step ladders. Becky and Amber stare at each other from opposite ends of the line. IRIS All right, why don't we take up the stepladders, all right? For the Physical Fitness number? BECKY (picking up her stool) They're wet. LISA Hey, my hands are stuck. MOLLY (sniffing) Uh, I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes. IRIS Well, hold kem away from you so it doesn't get on the outfits. (turning to Servettes) What kinda mental retard paints step ladders the morning of a pageant. ON STAGE Hank is being pulled off stage by Harold. Gladys adjusts her dress, frazzled. HANK (under throughout) Here come the judge - pinch, pinch - here come the judge - pinch, pinch - here come the judge... GLADYS Get back! Get back, you total retard! LORETTA Go Hank! GLADYS I'm okay, I'm okay - dress is fine. I'm okay...well, our other judges are Jean Kangas and John Dough... EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY Iris and Servettes go in the gym as Chloris Klinghagen comes out. CHLORIS (loud whisper) Opening number looked, uh, good. Solid. But now you're gonna have to actually dance, so... (holds up jar of Vaseline) Here. Put a dab of this on the old choppers, ladies. It'll help you smile. And when they're lookin' at your teeth - God willin' - they won't be lookin at your feet. Chloris gives Amber the jar and exits. From the gym, we hear TAPED PATRIOTIC MUSIC. Contestants CHEER and run in. "PHYSICAL FITNESS" ROUTINE - PATRIOTIC MUSIC As cuts of patriotic dance moves progress, the girls have more and more red, white and blue paint smeared on their clothes, arms and legs. Amber's clearly the best. Taped music ENDS. Contestants, covered with paint, strike a final pose - sitting on ladders, standing, kneeling. Applause. BACKSTAGE - WALKWAY Contestants wait anxiously as they pass a can of TURPENTINE and a RAG to remove paint from their arms and legs. BECKY Hurry up. LESLIE Okay, guys, I think we all got some. You just take it off. AMBER Here, I didn't get any. LESLIE Here, have some. MICHELLE Hand me another white one. LISA Listen, you guys, don't go int the bathroom. Tess blew chunks all over. Man, she ate a big dinner. BECKY Maybe she shoulda shoved that lucky bolt down her throat for desert. Becky storms off. AMBER (sotto, to other girls) And the winner of the "Spirit" award goes to... Girls laugh quietly. Iris pulls a dazed and confused Tess - beg wet spot on her shirt - through the shot. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Iris stands center stage, awkwardly holding the mic. IRIS (reading from notecard) "I'd like to take you back seventeen years, when a peanut farmer was in the White House, a group-a boys callin' themselves kQueen' topped the record charts and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess!" Gladys enters wearing sash, tiara and plaid culottes. Applause. A SLIDE is shown of her at 17. GLADYS (taking mic) Thank you, thank you. You know, I won the talent contest by sewing these culottes, Butterick pattern 7-4-3-2. Can you believe it? They still fit! LORETTA She had a big ass then, she's got a big ass now. GLADYS (pausing for applause) Thank you, thank you. Our next eontestant is ready, so let's welcome her: Tess Weinhaus! APPLAUSE. Tess is pushed on stage. BACKSTAGE - LEFT Amber paces. ON STAGE Tess drones on at the mic. TESS (in the b.g. throughout) The beagle is known for it's howl. "Aaauuuuuhhhh." The Pekinese has it's own distinctive bark. "Yip, yip, yip." Not to be confused with the Chihuahua's, "Yap, yap, yap." But none can compare to the greatest bark of all - the German Shepherd... AMBER (to camera, loud whisper) ...Yah-it's just gone... (eyes welling up) I mean, I-I just wanna tap, y'know? I'm not sayin' I'm the best, or that I'd even win, but shouldn't I at least get a chance to compete? (starting to sob) I just wanted my Mom to see me dance. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN enters, small bag in hand. CHLORIS (loud whisper) Amber - Amber, c'mere. AMBER Please, Mrs. K, I got so much Vaseline on my teeth, I'm gonna be smilin' for a year. CHLORIS No. Here. Chloris pulls a simple BLACK LEOTARD from the bag. CHLORIS (cont'd) It's nothin' special, but talent like yours doesn't need to hide behind sequins. AMBER Mrs. K-- CHLORIS You're... you're special and... Ah hell, go out there and kick some Leeman ass. Amber, overcome with joy, gives her a big hug. CHLORIS (cont'd) Not so hard, sweetie. I heard somethin' snap... INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM ON STAGE: Leslie Miller, in uniform, performs an amazingly sexy cheer as TWO SINGLET-CLAD WRESTLERS wrestle (One is boyfriend, Pat.). LESLIE Roll him over -- (clap, clap, clap) Lay him flat (clap, clap, clap) Pin his shoulders (clap, clap, clap) To the mat (clap, clap, clap) Roll him over, lay him flat, pin his shoulders, to the mat! Yeahhhh! She JUMPS, KICKS and ends with SPLITS. APPLAUSE! JUMP CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER Michelle Johanson is on stage, sitting on a stool, wearing all black. She smiles warmly. Then, with one sweep of her hand across her face, her smile drops. She's dead serious. MICHELLE (without emotion) Fade in...Earth. The year is two- thousand twenty-four. The question on everyone's mind: What is...Soylent Green? She sweeps her hand back across her face and she's "in character," pained, near death, and overly dramatic. BACKSTAGE - LEFT - CONTINUOUS Amber, now in the leotard, talks to Iris. Michelle performs from "Soylent Green" in the b.g. AMBER (loud whisper) Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to me? Why're you pretendin' you don't know what's goin' on? IRIS Amber, I'm sorry. I really am. But you know the rules. All talent costumes hafta be okay'd by Gladys before the pageant. AMBER But, doesn't someone taking your costume so you can't compete, overrule that rule? IRIS Sorry. I-I don't make the rules. AMBER This, this... This is bullshit! IRIS Amber Atkins! That is not American Teen Princess language! AMBER Good, kcause this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant - it's, it's Nazi Germany! Amber storms off. IRIS (shaking head) Where do they get this stuff... INT. BACKSTAGE CAMERA FOLLOWS AMBER as she storms over to BACKSTAGE - RIGHT where Gladys watches Michelle ON STAGE. AMBER Mrs. Leeman? GLADYS (turning) Huh? AMBER I-I'm wearin' this costume. I'm, uh, I'm gonna do my talent tonight. GLADYS Oh really - I don't think so. (suddenly aware of camera) Uh, Amber, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but rules state that a costume must be okay'd at least a week in advance. And this... (pointing to costume) This is why we have the rule. My goodness gracious, I couldn't allow a neckline this low on stage. We have kids in the audience. AMBER But, you - I mean... It's not my fault. I-I... Please? I didn't do anything wrong... Amber starts to cry. MICHELLE (climaxing) That's why... I must say... (raising arm upward) Soylent Green... is... people. She doubles over. She's given it all. APPLAUSE. GLADYS Oops, that's my cue. Gladys starts out on stage as Molly Howard, dressed like a red, white and blue cowboy, runs up next to Amber. She's twirling toy guns on her fingers. MOLLY Wish me luck. AMBER (drying her eyes) Good luck, Molly. One of Molly's guns flies off her finger. She goes to retrieve it. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Molly is line dancing, occasionally taking "pretend" shots into the air. It's incredibly repetitive and dull. BACKSTAGE - CARL'S "LIGHT AND SOUND" BOOTH - CONTINUOUS As Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" PLAYS in b.g., Carl, the janitor, sets plastic army figures on fire with a cigarette lighter. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Gladys is center stage. Molly Howard walks off crying, having just finished her routine. POLITE APPLAUSE. She's still spinning her guns, again one goes flying. GLADYS Thank you, Molly. INT. HIGH SCHOOL/STAIRWELL - DRESSING AREA Lisa, top hat, tails, giant "I LOVE NY" button - and others try to console a CRYING Amber. Becky continues singing O.S. LISA (arm around Amber) Oh, Amber... AMBER (can't catch breath) I-I-I-I-I-, j-uh-j-uh-just wanted to compe-e-e-e-ete. LISA I can't believe this is happenin'. I can't believe she said you couldn't... Getting an idea, Lisa starts to take off her jacket. LISA (cont'd) Amber? Here. AMBER (still sobbing) "Here," wh-wh-what? LISA My jacket. Take it kcause, y'know, I got my costume okay'd before the pageant. You can wear it. MICHELLE Oh man, Lisa, I wouldn't do this. LESLIE (to Lisa) They're never gonna let you perform naked. I asked. LISA Shut up, yous guys. Look, Amber, I'm not gonna win. And let's be honest, a family only needs one "Liza" and you know Peter's got much better legs than me. AMBER Your parents'd kill you. LISA Oh c'mon, I love kem, but you know they only had me kcause Peter needed a kidney. AMBER Lis, I want to, I really do, but... Oh, I can't. LISA Then do it for Peter. Mrs. Leeman used to call him a "skinny little fag" when he'd bag her groceries. He'd pop his Nancy-belt if his old jacket somehow, I don't know, got her back. AMBER Yah? LISA Oh-you-beccha. Amber hugs her and takes the jacket. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE Gladys guides Molly off the stage. GLADYS Now, it's with overwhelming pride that I introduce contestant number six, who also happens to be president of her class - two years running - a member of the honor roll and the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club - Rebecca Ann Leeman! STAGE GOES BLACK. SPOT HITS BECKY, who sits at the edge of the stage, holding a mic. She's head to toe sequins in her poodle skirt, sweater, saddle shoes, etc. BECKY (talking over music) I don't know how many of you know this, but I've got a very special fella in my life - that's right, I do... And if nobody minds, I'd like to sing a little song, just for him. SPOT FOLLOWS as Becky stands and walks center stage to what appears to be a COVERED MANNEQUIN. TAPED INTRO TO "I Can't Take My Eyes Off You." BECKY (cont'd) You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you. You'd be like Heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At long last love has arrived and I thank God I'm alive. Becky removes the sheet, revealing a MANNEQUIN dressed like JESUS as he appeared on the cross: long hair, beard, crown of thorns, loincloth. The ARMS ARE STUFFED so they move freely. (Hands of stigmata.) BECKY (cont'd) You're just to good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you... Becky TALK-SINGS - a la William Shatner's "Rocket Man" - and DANCES around the Jesus mannequin doing the jitter- bug, the twist and a slow dance (his arms on her shoulders). DURING THE SLOW DANCE, THE LOIN CLOTH SLIPS AND BECKY MUST HOLD IT UP - GIVING THE APPEARANCE OF GRABBING HIS CROTCH. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - BACKSTAGE Iris approaches Lisa who's given her outfit to Amber. IRIS C'mon, Lisa. You're up next. LISA I quit. And, uh, since my costume, y'know, was okay'd a month ago? I'm givin' it to Amber. Amber breaks a smile. Taped music ENDS. APPLAUSE. Gladys, mic in hand, joins Becky for a big hug. GLADYS Boy, I'd hate to follow that. Wow! Becky exits, pulling the wheeled Jesus behind her. GLADYS (cont'd) Voice of an angel, that one. Iris runs self-consciously out on stage, whispers in Gladys' ear, then runs back off stage. GLADYS (cont'd) ...Uh, I was just told that contestant number seven, Lisa Swenson, has quite the pageant. CROWD REACTS. GLADYS (cont'd) Well, these things happen. At any rate, we still have one more contestant - number eight, Amber Atkins. Gladys exits. A taped hip, hot DRUM BEAT starts. Suddenly, Amber glides into CENTER SPOT. (Now wearing Lisa's costume, sleeves rolled up.) Her feet burst into an amazing routine. The loud drum beats seem to fly from her hands and feet as they punctuate the rhythm. There's no glitz, just unbelievable skill. It appears effortless as she floats around stage. Like watching Michael Jackson moon walk for the first time, you can't take your eyes off her. She concludes, center stage, with the GREATEST THIRTY SECONDS OF HER LIFE. The audience goes WILD! Amber takes bow after bow - they love her. Gladys enters quickly, mic in hand. GLADYS (cont'd) Okay, okay, okay! Well, now, it's finally time to say good-bye to our judges, so they can go make the toughest decision of their lives. PAN TO JUDGES. They look nervous as hell. A relaxed Hank sniffs from a paint soaked bag. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT Judges stare nervously at the camera - clip boards in front of them. Hank's LOUD BREATHING from the paint soaked bag is obviously getting on John's nerves. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So who get's the crown? How are you going to figure this all out? JOHN Uh, we're gonna, y'know, compare scores and uh, figure out a-a winner. kCause we don't know the winner yet... I mean, I-I don't know who Jean and Harold picked. No idea. Did Gladys send you in here? HANK I know the winner! I know the winner! I know the winner! JOHN No you don't! Shut your goddamn mouth, you son-of-a-bitch!! Nerves shot, John suddenly LAUNCHES himself across the table at Hank. HAROLD Wait a second. JOHN You shut it! You goddamn retard! Hank freezes, then starts to wail! HANK EE-AAAYEEEE-AAAAYOUIAAAEEEEEEEE! HAROLD Come on! Hankey here can't help it if he was born crazier than a shithouse rat! Hank stops crying and goes back to the bag. JOHN For fuck's sake, why didn't ya leave him with a sitter? Hank begins crying again. HAROLD Real nice. You know the sitter's dead. DISSOLVE TO: BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM Girls, in gowns, sit in silence. Becky and Amber sit at opposite ends of the room. There's obvious tension. LESLIE So, anyone talk to Janelle? AMBER Yah-I brought her some flowers this morning. She's in the room next to my mom. She's super happy. Girls ad-lib SHOCK. TESS She's happy? LESLIE Why happy? AMBER (cont'd) Oh -- the blow to her head made her deaf... Girls ad-lib "Oh, I see. Okay-then." etc. Another LONG BEAT of SILENCE follows. Becky gets up to re-touch her make-up. BECKY (losing it) Oh, good Lord! What're they doin'? Lettin' the retard count votes?! Contestants stare at her in shock. Iris enters. IRIS It's time, ladies. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Judges are back. Gladys is center stage. Girls enter and form a line behind her. TAPED AMERICAN MEDLEY STARTS. GLADYS Welcome back, everyone. Judges. Our Second Runner-up and winner of a fifty- Taped fanfare. Leslie bounds forward, grabs her trophy, stands to one side. PAT (O.S.) You rule, Leslie! Audience laughs. Leslie waves. GLADYS Our next prize, a seventy-five dollar scholarship -- Audience ad-libs amazement. GLADYS (cont'd) ...will be awarded to the First Runner- up. Taped DRUM ROLL. Contestants (except Becky) take hands. Iris gives Gladys an envelope and trophy. GLADYS (cont'd) And the First Runner-up is - (opening envelope, face drops) Contestant number eight, Amber Atkins. Ad-lib audience shock and disbelief. Contestants are stunned. Amber steps forward, humbly takes the trophy and stands beside Leslie. Audience finally quiets. GLADYS (cont'd) And finally, the moment I know I've been waiting for... Iris hands Gladys a LARGE TROPHY and envelope. Mary Johanson is wheeled out wearing sash and tiara. GLADYS (cont'd) With a scholarship of five-hundred dollars, courtesy Leeman Furniture, and all expenses paid for next weekend when she'll be competin' for the title of Minnesota American Teen Princess... Taped drum roll. Gladys opens the envelope. GLADYS (cont'd) Our new Mount Rose American Teen Princess is contestant number - ah heck, she's my daughter - number seven, Rebecca Ann Leeman! Polite audience applause. Becky rushes forward. Gladys RIPS the tiara and sash off Mary, places them on Becky. BECKY Oh, thank you so much! AUDIENCE Loretta and Annette watch on. ANNETTE Shit. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE The ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR, from earlier scene, enters and sings to a tape as Becky takes her victory walk. ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR (tune of "Miss America") "Here she is, Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess. Look at her, doesn't she look fine. Our hearts swell big, as we look at her. Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess." EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER AMBULANCE pulls up. Mary Johanson, unconscious, slumped in wheelchair, is brought out and put in. Amber and Loretta wheel Annette out. Paramedics put her in, too. ANNETTE We was robbed. LORETTA Okay. Take her purse. AMBER Bye mom. ANNETTE We was robbed. AMBER It's okay. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER Amber faces camera as ambulance pulls away. AMBER Oh, Mom's okay. They're just givin' her a ride back. She almost blew outta the back of Loretta's pick-up on the way over. LORETTA Thank God for bunge cords. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER AMBER (tearing up) ...Yah-well, at least, y'know, I got to perform. And Mom got to see me. (crying) I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer... Loretta puts her arm around Amber. They walk off as Leslie and Pat approach. LESLIE Hey-hey, I'm Second Runner-up! Whooo! I got second place! PAT Third. LESLIE Huh? Lisa passes by with her parents. They look pissed. LISA No, it was worth it. Amber shoulda won. LISA'S FATHER I'll tell ya one thing. Peter never woulda pulled a shenanigan like that. LISA Well, y'know what, dad? Y'know what? Peter's gay! She runs off. Her parents stop DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS. LISA'S FATHER What?! DISSOLVE TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT CLOSE ON BECKY'S FACE. Flashes illuminate it. With each photo she changes her smile and expression. She loves this. PULL BACK to reveal two older men, with old-style news cameras, flash pictures. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So, how does it feel to be the new Mount Rose American Teen Princess, Becky? OLDER MEN turn and look at camera, then take out a pen and note pad. BECKY Well, it's all happenin' so fast. Goodness-gracious, it hardly seems real, y'know? I mean, I won! I'm the winner! I'm going to State! GLADYS She's the winner and we're going to state. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GIRL'S BATHROOM - DAY Fry Girl #1 and Pregnant Fry Girl smoke. FRY GIRL #1 What a surprise. Gladys Leeman's finally gonna go to State. And she'll probably ride on Becky's ass all the way to Nationals, too. PREGNANT FRY GIRL I wonder how she's gonna fix that one. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Are you ladies going to the parade tomorrow? PREGNANT FRY GIRL Nah. I think I'm like, due or somethin'. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - NEXT DAY Beautiful sunny day. Lester talks to camera. LESTER Ahhh. Beautiful as a whore's ass today. Eh, boys? In the b.g., Gladys holds a bullhorn, clipboard and points to a LARGE SWAN FLOAT. GLADYS (into bullhorn) Hey! Turn that float around. You think a swan's gonna swim ass first up Main Street? LESTER Yah-Gladys had me order that swan special made from Mexico (Me'hee'koe) in case Becky won. I do a lotta business with those people. I always offer to pay kem in tacos. (laughing) Whoo, they love that. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Entire town lines the road. The Mayor and the Leman family stand behind the red ribbon. Parade PARTICIPANTS are lined up behind them. MAYOR (into bullhorn) Yah-hello-hello...shit! How the fuck do ya work this damn thing, huh? Oh. Welcome to our first ever American Teen Princess Parade - which also happens to be the unveiling of our new sewer system! CHEERS! Becky cuts the ribbon. More CHEERS! MAYOR (cont'd) Yah-so, while Becky gets on her float, then, any questions kbout the new sewer? Yah, Clem? JUMP CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER THE PASSING PARADE: - THREE FAT VETS, dressed as the Revolutionary War trio, hold American, Minnesota and POW/MIA flags. - TWO BATON TWIRLERS stand in front of the Mount Rose High School Band. They play - way off key. - JUDGES wave from a convertible. Hank, in passenger's seat, struggles to get out. His seatbelt prevents it. - TWO GRUNGY OLD CLOWNS smoke impatiently. - TWO FAT WHITE MEN, dressed as Indians, sit on scooters. - FAT MAN drives a riding lawnmower, pulling a flatbed with A SPEEDBOAT and a FISHING CAMP GROUP. - FARMER pulls a goat with a sign: "Milk Me for $1.00" - A BRIGADE of tap dancing BASSOONISTS. EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET Harold and Hank pull over and park their truck. Harold quickly gets out, obviously in a hurry, slamming on a pouting Hank. HAROLD Let's get this straight right now. We wouldn't have been late at all if it wasn't for you. HANK I want to have the big bag of little donuts. HAROLD You get nothing, Hank, okay? HANK I want to get the big bag of little donuts. HAROLD There's your paint can. The next time you drink window cleaner, I'm just gonna leave it in ya. Harold rushes off for the parade, joining other folks carrying baskets, lawn chairs and flags on the sidewalk. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - BACK TO DOCUMENTARY CAMERA PAN OVER to see Gladys helping Becky climb on the swan, unaware of camera. In b.g., DOCUMENTARY CREW interviews Amber and Leslie on their convertible behind the swan float. GLADYS C'mon, Rebecca, you wanted it. Now get up there. Ride it side-saddle if you have to - like a horse. C'mon, now. BECKY It smells funny. Like gasoline. GLADYS Oh for chrissakes, everything smells like that in Mexico. BECKY My dress'll reek. GLADYS Listen, little missy, this cost your dad a pretty penny. Now get your ass up there and show me some teeth. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Amber and Leslie, in gowns, look unhappy as they stare straight ahead, exhaust fumes - that appear to come from the swan's ass - cover them and their old convertible. LESLIE Amber, if I die from these fumes, will you be sure to cover the hickies on my neck? AMBER Yeah... LESLIE And the bite marks on my ears? AMBER (slowly turning) Yes... LESLIE I know it doesn't matter, but on my inner thighs. AMBER Yes, Leslie! EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Hank rubs his head, then angrily gets out of the truck, SLAMMING THE DOOR ON ONE OF THE SUSPENDERS ON HIS OVERALLS. He starts to walk, but can't, eventually leaning out from the truck - only moving his arms as if walking. EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER Hank, still stuck in the door, is being teased by a GROUP OF KIDS who poke at him with flags and sticks. ANOTHER LITTLE KID taunts him with his cotton candy - keeping it just out of his reach. Hank bats at them like Frankenstein and the torch wielding townsfolk. EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER Hank, still stuck in the door, holds the little kid by the back of the shirt in one hand and eats the kid's cotton candy with the other. The kid struggles to get away. A few BROKEN FLAGS are scattered on the ground. HANK Help...Hank! Help...Hank! Help...Hank! Help...Hank! ON SWAN FLOAT. Gladys approaches. GLADYS Okay, I designed the float, you know. And, what's gonna happen here is that this is going to look like a glistening lake beneath the swan. IRIS Uh, Gladys? GLADYS What! IRIS We need more bars! GLADYS This is -- what? IRIS Enid ate a whole pan! GLADYS I swear to God she can't do anything by herself. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER AMBER (to camera) Oh-yah, this is exactly how I pictured it. Chokin' on swan gas. Suddenly, like a gasoline soaked pinata, it EXPLODES! Gladys is thrown back. Flames. Screaming. PANDEMONIUM! Becky doesn't have a chance. She's a pink taffeta BALL OF FIRE. The swan's back eventually collapses taking Becky into it's burning belly. INTERCUT WITH MR. HOWARD'S VIDEO. Gladys watches in stunned silence as her daughter and only chance at State go up in flames. Suddenly, she CRACKS! GLADYS Oh my God! My Baby! The swan ate my baby! (grabbing at burning float) Ow-ow-ow! Get up, Rebecca! Get outta there! We've gotta go to State! Oh hot! (she scorches her blouse) Oh, damn. I like this blouse. Rebecca! Get up, angel face. Time to go to State! Ow-ow-ow! Eventually, Gladys tries to climb up on the float. Iris pulls her off. GLADYS (cont'd) Get offa me, you cow! Gladys spins and notices the silent CROWD. GLADYS (cont'd) What're you lookin' at? Huh? A whole God Damn town of losers! That's what I'm lookin' at! Crowd reacts. Gladys notices Amber and runs up to her car. GLADYS (cont'd) You! You piece-a-shit trailer trash! This shoulda been you! Damn, I shoulda killed you when I had the The crows reacts again. Gladys spins, noticing someone. Lester approaches. GLADYS (cont'd) Hey, Ted, sorry. I didn't know your family was in the garage when I set it on fire! LESTER Gladys! Stop it! GLADYS Guess it wasn't a garage sale as much as it was a bake sale. Ah- hahahahahahahaha! Lester tries to pull her away from the crowd. GLADYS (cont'd) Let go-a-me, you old bastard! She grabs a BURNING 2X4 off a float and starts swinging it. GLADYS (cont'd) At least you've got another daughter. CROWD GASPS. Then stunned SILENCE. CAMERA CIRCLES Gladys and Lester getting reaction shots of the crowd. LESTER So help me, Gladys. GLADYS Becky was my only shot at state! LESTER That's enough! GLADYS Let go! Let go of me. Oh my God, it's COPS! TWIN OFFICERS, followed by "COPS" TV CREW, run up and aggressively tackle Gladys. As the struggle on the ground continues, crew guys go over and shake hands with the "COPS" crew - obviously knowing them. GLADYS (cont'd) (pointing to Lester) He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms! The COPS crew begins to mingle with the DOCUMENTARY crew. SCOTT Hey, man, how're you doin'? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Hi! What's up, Scott? You remember Bruce, right? SCOTT Long time, no see. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Bruce, that's Roy. (they shake hands) Roy, Bruce. EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY Lovely hillside. A PASTOR and TOWN FOLK - heads bowed - stand beside a FRESH GRAVE. PASTOR That's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow that we turn over to you a young woman whose dream of ridin' on a giant swan brought about her untimely death. Maybe it's your way of telling us to buy American. EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER The funeral is over. Amber, Loretta, Iris and Servettes awkwardly face each other beside the grave. Iris takes the PARTIALLY MELTED TIARA from the headstone. IRIS As, uh, actin' President of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes, it's my duty since Becky can't fulfill her duties - kcause she's dead-n-all - to make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess. She puts the TIARA on AMBER. Loretta FLASHES pictures. MALE REPORTER #1 Turn around and let me see. EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER Annette, Amber (wearing her tiara) and Loretta are leaving the crowning ceremony. All are happy as they push an extremely drugged Annette out of the cemetery. LORETTA What is wrong with you? AMBER I don't know. I just didn't wanna win like this. LORETTA You stop right there. You are a good person. Good things happen to good people. AMBER Really? LORETTA No. It's pure bullshit, sweetie. You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it. Let's get you a root beer float. AMBER Okay. LORETTA Do you guys want some shots? I'm buyin'. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY Amber sits on the picnic table. In the b.g., Loretta exits her trailer with a FED-EX GUY. She pats his buns as he exits. She approaches Amber with a packet. AMBER (V.O.) I never liked her, but she didn't deserve to die in the belly of a swan like that. The whole thing's just kinda sad and lame at the same time. LORETTA (handing over packet) This came for you, sweetie. AMBER Ah! It's from State! Oh my God! Amber rips it open and holds up a color brochure with COLLEEN and TERRY in a glamour shot on the cover. AMBER (cont'd) (paging through packet) It's all the stuff I get to do. Oh my God, oh my God... Okay, okay... We get a "personal consultation" with a make- up artist -- Eeeh! Okay, um, there'll be a choreographer to the stars and, oh no -- No way. Oh... My... God! LORETTA What? For chrissakes, spit it out. AMBER I'll be stayin' overnight at... The Airport Howard Johnsons! LORETTA Right by the airport - Oh, Amber... AMBER There's an indoor swimming pool! Ahhhh! Loretta joins in the screaming. AMBER (cont'd) Oh crap - I only got four days. I gotta practice! EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - MORNING MONTAGE BEGINS over MUSIC. Amber emerges from Loretta's trailer, Pop Tart in mouth, book bag in hand. SMILES. WAVES. EXT. TRAILER PARK Taps her way down the road, out of the trailer park. INT. CAFETERIA - MONTAGE Amber scrapes trays. PAN DOWN. She wears tap shoes, practices her routine. INT. HOSPITAL - MONTAGE - DAY Amber walks around the room in high heels, balancing a bedpan on her head. INT. MORTUARY - MONTAGE Amber dances around the room, using a suit on a hanger as a partner. A naked old man is on the embalming slab, a sheet covering his nasties. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - NIGHT In silhouette, Amber taps on the picnic table by the light of the FULL HARVEST MOON. DIP TO BLACK: EXT. AIRPORT HOWARD JOHNSONS - DAY WHITE LETTERS ON BLACK: "STATE FINALS" We look up at the towering Howard Johnsons and see a huge banner which reads: "WELCOME AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS, FRIED CLAM PLATTER $9.99." Suddenly, a 747, not more than thirty feet above the hotel, flies over - the sound is deafening. LORETTA All right, say "Airport Ho-Jo." AMBER Airport Ho-Jo! LORETTA I got it! Yeah, why don't ya take a Mr. Larson unloads Amber's luggage from the hearse. Loretta leans against it, arm around Amber, smoking and occasionally flipping off people who stop to stare at this unusual sight. AMBER Loretta, don't do that. LORETTA I'm sorry. They're just starin'. AMBER I gotta work with these women. LORETTA Okay, sweetie, that's all right. Let's go. Let's go. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA There's a fake tropical look, with loads of plastic palms, etc. CAMERA FOLLOWS Amber into area. BANNER: "STATE FINALS - SPONSORED BY THE MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY" Contestants (25) sit at tables, they seem more mature, more professional. Amber smiles and gives a little wave. Terry approaches Amber. TERRY And you are... AMBER Mount Rose American Teen Princess. TERRY Funny, you don't look dead. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Colleen and Terry address the assembled contestants. SUPER: COLLEEN DOUGLAS AND TERRY MACEY - MINNESOTA AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS STATE BOARD AND OWNERS OF THE MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY COLLEEN Okay ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen Douglas and this raving beauty on my right -- TERRY I'm a mirror. COLLEEN Correction. This spunky monkey on my right is Terry Macey. And we are your Minnesota American Teen Princess State Board. TERRY We're also the co-founders of the Minnesota Modeling Academy. Applications are at the tiki bar. We'll wave the fifty dollar application fee if you list a friend and put her address. COLLEEN That's right. TERRY Okay? COLLEEN Mm-hm. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA Loretta, seated at the bar, puts her arm around a man next to her. LORETTA So...you're cute. Oh, I see you're married. (to bartender) You catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present. All right? Open wide... (she throws the olive) Oh, God, you got that on the first try. Come here. Loretta kisses the bartender. LORETTA (cont'd) You are cute. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - COURTYARD STAGE AREA - DAY TERRY Due to budgetary cutbacks - and the fact that Nationals didn't cough up a damn nickel this year - you won't be stayin' overnight. So pay attention, you've got about eight hours until showtime. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY A DISCO BEAT POUNDS from a boom box. Mr. Melchoir, the choreographer, watches contestants move in fast-paced crisscrossing formations. Amber is among them. Miss St. Paul screws up. MR. MELCHOIR Remember to count, ladies. Cross on the left and arms up on eight! On the beat! On the beat! Keep on it! Keep movin' it! C'mon, Miss Forest Lake, take that stick out of your ass or I will. All right. Very nice. Now come on, arms out. We're in the front row. Come on, sell it! That's very nice. Remember, figure eights, ladies... INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Colleen and Terry smoke and drink at a tall tiki table that's covered with empties. In the b.g., a pageant worker passes out PINK BAGS to the contestants. All the while, TWO FAT KIDS play "Marco Polo" in the pool. COLLEEN (tipsy, holding up glass) I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass. I look at it and say, "it's half full." Which, in the beauty pageant biz means, "Where the hell's my waiter!" She laughs hard, then spins around in her chair. COLLEEN (cont'd) (screaming) Stop with the fuckin' Marco-Polo before I rip your fat little heads off! INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS A very mature Miss Burnsville talks to Amber who is staring at Miss Burnsville's supernaturally well- supported chest. MR. MELCHOIR Miss Burnsville, you're up next... JUMP CUT TO: INT. STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS - MOMENTS LATER Amber sits addressing the camera. Miss Burnsville is gone. AMBER Don't tell anyone, but, I have a little secret weapon of my own. Amber pulls out a jar of Vaseline from her purse and smiles innocently. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET - DAY Contestants hungrily fill their plates with seafood. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET Amber stands beside the buffet, holding only a salad. AMBER I don't eat shellfish. Mom always says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can carry its house around with it - who knows the last time it's been cleaned." She should know. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA Amber eats at a tall tiki table with Miss Minneapolis. MISS MINNEAPOLIS ... I've done about thirty-five pageants. I guess my most memorable one'd have to be Miss Teen America, 1995. It was in Vegas. My roommate did Adam West. SUPER: MR. WEST WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT MISS MINNEAPOLIS (cont'd) She said he was sooo horny. Amber stares at her with wide-eyed disbelief. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY Amber watches four contestants in a row practice their talents. All are equally amazing. "THEME from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" starts. Miss Minneapolis steps ON STAGE - silver unitard, silver streamers, silver tap shoes. She starts a TAP ROUTINE that RIVALS AMBER'S. AMBER (whispering to camera) Oh my God. Look at her, she's awesome. I should just go home now. Terry and Colleen stand in front of the stage. TERRY Okay, okay, that's enough - I get it. SUDDENLY Miss Minneapolis FREEZES. MISS MINNEAPOLIS Oh - oh my God... (doubling over in pain) I gotta go! She runs off toward the RESTROOM. COLLEEN (calling after her) Well, you're gonna have to do somethin' with those nerves before Nationals. Thirty-million people aren't gonna wait while you run to the john. Other waiting contestants suddenly double over, ad- libbing "oh no! oh my God!" "I'm gonna puke!" etc. More contestants grab their bellies. NEWS FOOTAGE: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - MORE FOOTAGE FEMALE REPORTER (hand on earpiece) Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly. A salmonella dysentery outbreak, now traced to improperly refrigerated shellfish, was believed to be the cause. Joining us now is David Richardson, a member of the documentary crew filming the pageant. He was there when tragedy struck. TELEVISION SET CREW GUY Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks everywhere. I've never seen anything like it before, and I live in L.A. (laughs) Hey, Ed. FEMALE REPORTER #2 Can you tell us any thing about the controversy? Is there a controversy here? Has there been sabotage? Follow REPORTER as she runs over to Amber, Colleen and Terry. All three look dazed. Reporters SHOUT questions. COLLEEN (with forced sobriety) People, people - wait, wait a minute, here. Uh, while we haven't ruled out sabotage from neighboring state pageants - Iowa, Wisconsin, North Dakota... TERRY Yeah. COLLEEN Dakota. TERRY Ohio... COLLEEN That bitch from... TERRY What? COLLEEN Wisconsin. TERRY All right, then. COLLEEN The bitch. TERRY The important thing is that we have a winner... PULL BACK to reveal we're: INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - BAR - NIGHT The mayor and other vets, watch Amber on the TV. COLLEEN (ON T.V.) And, on behalf of the Minnesota Modeling Academy, we proudly present Amber Atkins. Your new Minnesota American Teen Princess. The place ERUPTS in CHEER! ON TV: Terry sets a tiara on Amber's head. FLASHES. MAYOR Yah, ain't it just a kick in the fuckin' ass!?!? I'll be a snake's prick if tragedy and pageants ain't got a way of bringin' folks together... (directly at camera) Yous boys tell me when want me to start, okay? INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY IONA Amber?! What-the-hell's goin' on around here? I'm Mount Rose American Teen Princess. Where the hell's my tiara? I bet those sneaky little Japs took it... INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT Cathy and other townsfolk are glued to a small TV set on the counter. FEMALE REPORTER (ON T.V.) Amber, how do you feel? AMBER I, uh... I feel like... I, uh, I need a shower. Townsfolk laugh and cheer. CATHY Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph I hope Gladys Leeman hangs herself in her cell when she hears this. INT. WOMEN'S PRISON - REC ROOM ROUGH HAND HELD FOOTAGE. We see Gladys walking around, holding onto the back of a large black woman's belt. GLADYS Uh-huh. No, no. Gosh, no. You know I still don't want to be on camera... SUPER: PHONE INTERVIEW WITH GLADYS LEEMAN FROM MINNETONKA WOMEN'S FACILITY GLADYS (V.O. ON THE PHONE) Yah - I just wanna say - that little bitch better watch her back at Nationals kcause I'm makin' friends on the inside... Yah-friends who have friends on the outside... FEMALE PRISONER Get your sweet ass off the bunk, Cinnamon. GLADYS (V.O. ON PHONE) Gotta go. Click. DIAL TONE. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY Annette (left arm's been amputated and replaced with metal pincers which she hasn't mastered yet) sits at the picnic table with Amber and Loretta. Throughout the following, Annette struggles to open a beer can which keeps flying out of her pincers. (Handmade "congratulations" posters cover the lawn and trailer.) AMBER I just, I just can't believe it. I'm Minnesota's American Teen Princess! LORETTA Our baby's going to Nationals! Lincoln, Alabama - look out! AMBER I'm gonna be on TV! Just like Diane Sawyer. Annette opens a beer with a new HOOK replacing her hand. LORETTA Annette, just use your hand. ANNETTE They told me to practice. AMBER Okay, ready? Here's the signal I'm gonna give Ma when I'm on TV. Amber MIMES inhaling a cigarette and Annette embraces her. ANNETTE My little Carol Burnett. EXT. AIR FIELD In the middle of a corn field. The "runaway" is a gravel path cut between rows of corn. A FOUR-SEATER plane is on the runway, in front of a group of town folk with hand- made "good luck" signs. Amber (in Minnesota sash and tiara) and the Mayor stand beside the plane. (NOTE: The plane never moves.) EXT. AIR FIELD - LATER MAYOR (into bullhorn) Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen Princess - soon to be the next America's American Teen Princess - our little Amber! ZOOM IN ON AMBER as PEOPLE cheer Amber on. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY A giant Sarah Rose Cosmetics logo on the wall greets Amber. SUPER: SARAH ROSE COSMETICS NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS, LINCOLN, ALABAMA. The CONTESTANTS, including Amber, look around for the directory. It reads: FOR LEASE. A sign at the front of the building reads: SEIZED. SUPER: IN ITS FIFTIETH YEAR, SARAH ROSE COSMETICS WAS SEIZED BY THE IRS FOR TAX EVASION... As the CAMERA catches the reactions of our contestants - SUPER: THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT WAS CANCELED... We STOP on MISS OKLAHOMA. She SCREAMS SUPER: ...PERMANENTLY EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY As the contestants run out the building... SUPER: BUT IN ITS PASSING WE ARE INSPIRED BY THE SPIRIT OF THE MANY YOUNG WOMEN WHO WERE ITS HEART AND SOUL... Contestants THROW and HURL suitcases and items through the glass of the building. SUPER: ...AND BY THE MANY WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN PURSUIT OF THE TITLE... The contestants TEAR DOWN the Sarah Rose Logo. DIP TO BLACK: EXT. CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY A very perky Leslie Miller, with very big hair, stands out front in a white lab coat. She smiles and waves to camera. SUPER: LESLIE MILLER ENTERED "THE CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY"... EXT. STRIP BAR - NIGHT A COLOR PHOTO of slightly less perky Leslie, wearing go- go boots and a smile, dances in a cage. SUPER: SHE WAS LAST HEARD FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE PHILIPPINES. IF YOU SEE HER, PLEASE CALL 1-800-X-QUEEN. DIP TO BLACK: INT./EXT. HARDWARE HANK It's a lovely shot of the front window SUPER: HAROLD VILMES DIED UNEXPECTEDLY OF LYMES DISEASE FROM A DEER TICK BITE Suddenly, HANK, buck naked, runs back and forth past the window, spanking himself and waving "hi." SUPER CONT: LEAVING HANK THE STORE DIP TO BLACK: EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET MOLLY HOWARD is being helped into a van with "Lutheran Children's Orphanage" painted on the side. She looks sad. SUPER: MOLLY HOWARD RETURNED TO THE "LUTHERAN CHILDREN'S ORPHANAGE" AFTER HER PARENTS WERE GUNNED DOWN BY A SNIPER OUTSIDE THE FOOD SHACK. INT. ROOM - DAY CLOSE UP of a newspaper photo of Gladys. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN ENTERED A STATE-WIDE PRISON BEAUTY PAGEANT... The banner and hat she wears read: MINNESOTA 2ND PLACE, CELL BLOCK SUPER: ...SHE CAME IN SECOND. INSERT: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES "EX-BEAUTY QUEEN ESCAPES PRISON, VOWS "REVENGE ON MOUNT ROSE" EXT. MAIN STREET - FOOD SHACK Gladys, wearing Army Fatigues and brandishing a semi- automatic rifle aimed at the FOOD SHACK, holds off a S.W.A.T. team. GLADYS Come on out, you little blonde piece of trailer park trash! LOCAL NEWSCAST Female reporter is on the scene of the Gladys Leeman stand-off outside the food shack. We see Amber, Annette (with hook hand) and other town folk behind her, watching the action. "LIVE" flashes on screen. SUPER: DURING THE SIX-HOUR GLADYS LEEMAN STAND-OFF FEMALE REPORTER We are here in the sixth hour of a shoot-out between Gladys Leeman - MAN AT FOOD SHACK Get down! The female reporter suddenly stiffens and falls over. SUPER: LOCAL REPORTER PAT MILES WAS STRUCK BY A STRAY POLICE BULLET. Amber steps under the police barricade, over Pat's body, takes the mic and continues the newscast. She's a natural. AMBER This is Amber Atkins reporting live from the Food Shack for...KRLH News. One of our reporters has just been shot. SUPER: AMBER, SHOWING AMAZING POISE UNDER PRESSURE, WAS GIVEN HER JOB. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MINNEAPOLIS NEWS STATION Amber, now looking like a Midwestern news anchor, sits with a BLOND MALE ANCHOR. A LOGO in B.G. reads: TV WAZB TWIN CITIES. BLONDE NEWS ANCHOR I'm Peter Aitchison. AMBER And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZB News. SUPER: ...was given her job. AMBER (cont'd) Good night. As they smile and laugh, we: FADE OUT.DROP DEAD GORGEOUS FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and farmhouses. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Color footage of cotton fields passing by. We FREEZE and FADE TO BLACK. TITLE WIPES IN: 1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST... THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION. INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty pageant contestant. LEGS WIPE IN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.... Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant contestants on stage. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent. Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl. Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS DOWN. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) Mmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready for the ultimate teen glamour. ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC. FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags. APPLAUSE! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant. Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS. MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) And now, a few words... ANGLE ON Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR. CHEERS! MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd) ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. ADAM WEST The American Teen Princess Pageant has been enriching the lives of American- made girls since 1945. TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE OUT. ADAM WEST (cont'd) The American Teen Princess Pageant provides personal growth, scholarship, travel, and you... Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM. ADAM WEST (cont'd) ...might even meet a few celebrities. At the national level, thousands of seventeen year-old girls like yourselves. and compete around the country in places like: MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota. ADAM WEST And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the title of American Teen Princess. LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as they pause. As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS. Adam West turns back to the camera. ADAM WEST (cont'd) And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr. Adam West. Contestants strike a pose around him. THUNDEROUS CANNED APPLAUSE! ADAM WEST (cont'd) (pointing to camera) So, which one of you will it b-- SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym bleachers. [NOTE: The film is shot documentary style. PEOPLE ARE REAL. Their lives revolve around this pageant. All speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.] THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group. [Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president. She STOPS THE VIDEO. GLADYS LEEMAN Good God, Iris, you taped your shows over it. IRIS Sorry. Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers. SUPER: MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA POPULATION: 5,076 GLADYS LEEMAN Now ladies, the rest of the tape - which is now gone forever - goes on about startin' this great American journey we call American Teen Princess...Yah-so, any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey, you just come right down here and sign up. And please...help yourselves to some coffee and bars... SMASH EDIT TO: Gladys seated with middle-aged women. GLADYS Showtime. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING COMMITTEE. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea? GLADYS Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "Pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls -- IRIS (jumping in) What's sick is women dressin' like men! Civil Servettes stare at her a beat. GLADYS Uh... You betcha, Iris. (quickly, back to camera) Yah-I think yous boys'll find that things are different here in Mount Rose... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) For one thing, y'know, we're God fearin' folk - every last one of us... Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT. GLADYS (cont'd) You won't find a back room in our video store... Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN. YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc. GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.) ...that filth is better left in the "Sin Cities." IRIS A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul. PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE. EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET The camera drives down the street. EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS The camera drives down the street. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG. EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK. EXT. TRAILER PARK Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling and waving. EXT. CREW VAN An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the van. ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR) Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail. It's them damn Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn sign down yet - those lazy sons-a- bitches... I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!" SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY Through the window a family waves to Gladys. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home. EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy shoots his water pistol. INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives. GLADYS ...Today's "To Do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America. We need outfits for the "Physical Fitness" number -- IRIS Nothin' too showy! GLADYS Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme. Servettes react with pleasure. IRIS Gladys -- Gladys! Look out! A CAR SWERVES. GLADYS Oh, my! (waving out window) Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks, sidewalks? Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug." GLADYS (cont'd) Iris, stop! (to camera) It's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too temptin' for some of them. IRIS That's why we Lutherans use grape Koolaid for the blood of Christ. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot. IRIS Oh, there's a parking space over there. Oh, no, that's just a compact. Sorry. GLADYS You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America! Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign. IRIS It's a two-hundred dollar fine! GLADYS I said I'd move if a cripple came. Let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits. IRIS All right, let's go. EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car. GLADYS Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I just thought of the theme. Iris and the Servette stop. IRIS Oh! What is it? GLADYS (cont'd) "Proud...to be...an...American." Servettes react with pleasure. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So what was the theme of the pageant last year? GLADYS Last year? It was, "Buy American." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) And the year before that? GLADYS "U.S.A. is A-okay." DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? GLADYS "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's...maybe a gift from God or somethin'. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars. SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL ANGLE ON LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM. LESLIE MILLER ...Hi. (giggles) I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch pageants on the TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win. SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her hands. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) For my talent, I'm gonna be doing the.. Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs Leslie and kisses her hard. LESLIE (cont'd) Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout my...Oh... Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue groping as her Washington Monument slips off. CUT TO: Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a cheerleader chant. LESLIE MILLER (cont'd) Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights. AMBER ATKINS (suddenly looking O.C.) Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm signin' up k'cause, ah, my two favorite people in the world competed. My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom... She flashes a GRIN, we melt. INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE. SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you do any of the, uh, embalming? AMBER (laughing) Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased. EXT. ROAD - DAY Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic passes. AMBER (V.O.) I'm lucky I have an after-school job where I can practice my talent. EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY GLADYS Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. When I was seventeen, I don't know if you know this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess. And this year...drum roll please, my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is competin'. INT. HIGH SCHOOL REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the camerman (O.S.). BECKY Is this my mark? (it is) Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe this pageant is an important experience for every young woman. It, well, it teaches you what's really important in life, and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of. INT. GUN RANGE Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock- 17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads: "Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with an arsenal of sniper weaponry.) BECKY (yelling over noise) ...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all come down to me and Amber? Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs. BECKY (cont'd) Well, you have to take everything Mrs. Klinghagen says with a grain of salt. Not all your Catholics go to communion for the wafers, if you know what I mean... JUMP CUT TO: INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks. BECKY ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil for my thirteenth birthday... SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners." That's why, no matter what I do... She shoves the magazine back in her pistol. BECKY (cont'd) I aim to win. She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes in the head. INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly girl - sits on her bed. LISA Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like askin', "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if you're seventeen and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do. ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over speakers. SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet? LISA I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New York, New York." See, I fell in love with The Big Apple last summer when I was visitin' my brother. He followed his dream to New York. PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera. LISA (cont'd) This is Peter as Liza. This is him as Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as Barbara... INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t- shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd paraphernalia. TESS Uh... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet... SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS TESS (cont'd) Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny. A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap. TESS (cont'd) This is Kenny. Spike, my German Shepherd, went to live with a nice family on a farm after he attacked me. It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket. (pulling up shirt) They re-made my belly with skin from my butt. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books. SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS - 1945 IONA HILDERBRANTDT (smoked for sixty years) I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. ANGLE ON A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE. YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin. IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd) Had to turn it in for scrap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD. SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD MR. HOWARD (heavy accent) ... So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America, to help acclimate us to American. MOLLY (smiling) To America, Dad. Mr. Howard laughs. MRS. HOWARD She all-American girl. She our American Teen Princess girl. MOLLY Oh, Mom... The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her "TINA") ENTERS FRAME. Although she's the picture of beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old life. TINA (in Japanese) Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we moving back to Tokyo? I can't stand this place anymore. They put butter on everything. MR. HOWARD (turning, suddenly angry) English! English, you stupid little retard! We America now, Tina! TINA (perfect English) I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's Seiko. MR. HOWARD Tina! Tina!! TINA!!! MRS. HOWARD "Robert," settle down. MR. HOWARD (screaming) AHHHHHH! Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest. JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene. Mr. Howard is gone. TINA Mom, I just finished the third movement of that concerto I was working on. I put, like, this techno beat on this Japanese folk tune - wanna hear it? MR. HOWARD (running down the hall) No! We not like to hear it! Go to your room and shut up! TINA Oh, I almost forgot... (removing envelope from pocket) I got my acceptance to Tokyo University. MR. HOWARD What, you deaf? I say shut up-shut up- SHUT UP! (coming at camera) Cut her outta this! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Same scene on couch. MR. HOWARD Now Molly, tell movie man what you talent do. MOLLY I'll be line dancin'. MR. HOWARD (giving thumbs up) Country western! MRS. HOWARD Clint Black! Ruff! MR. HOWARD Hey, what he got I not got? They all laugh. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face. MICHELLE ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic monologue. SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON MICHELLE (cont'd) Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" or... "Soylent Green." Lots of girls make a smooth transition from pageants into actin', y'know. SMASH CUT TO: LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST. CONNIE Competin' for the title of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was excitin'. But, I never coulda won without my... PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. CONNIE (cont'd) St. Paul Pork Products! LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS. Connie now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly. CONNIE (cont'd) I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork Products for years. I grew up right next to these stock yards. SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE. PIG CARCASSES move on hooks. Connie wears a hard hat and blood stained butcher's apron. CONNIE (cont'd) It's still the same family-run business that Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920 when they raised and slaughtered their first pig. Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite. CONNIE (cont'd) Mmm-mmmm. I just love St. Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love kem so much LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO) SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE. Workers stuff sausages. Connie wears a white jumpsuit and hairnet. CONNIE (cont'd) I work here now! INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars. CREW MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves. JANELLE BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) ...My talent will be an interpretive dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes of Love." I have a dream of spreadin' sign language around the world... Mom? Would you be so kind? SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ JANELLE (cont'd) Yeah. Well, see, uh, I have a dream of spreading sign language around the world. (to Mrs. Betz) Mom, would you be so kind. Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love." Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure. SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches for bars. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type. She wears a LETTER JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES. TAMMY CURRY Tammy Curry. I'm signin' up for the scholarship'n'all. SMASH CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, I'm captain. (pointing) I run track, and, uh... (points to small gun patch) Right here, I'm the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club... ANGLE ON LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch. TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.) I love that one. EXT. FARM FIELD Shot from crew van. Sun is setting behind a lovely field of green. A John Deere Thresher travels across the burning red horizon. DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.) Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant? SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY TAMMY (V.O.) Yeah, you bet I do. I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant. But other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club, either. And I did. I-I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me!" KABLOOM! Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP! INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry. PULL BACK to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers. CONTINUE PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars and coffee on a long buffet table. A line of somber and repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food. Servettes stand at the ready. Gladys and Iris face the camera. GLADYS Well, you know, I think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young. IRIS It's always hard to see the young ones called home, especially on an exploding thresher. It's just so odd and gross. GLADYS You know that sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. IRIS Yeah. Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder. FEMALE MOURNER #1 May I have a tissue? GLADYS But the show must go on. (she faces Iris) I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. So you watch the Jell-o salad, okay? IRIS All right. Okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER It's smokey as hell. THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT "FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink. FRY GIRL #1 ...Oh, yeah-right. I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant! Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl. PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.) Tammy Curry? FRY GIRL #1 Yah-yah. Everyone says this is a big accident? She got iced because she wins everything, and this time someone didn't want her to win. PREGNANT FRY GIRL This pageant's like a roach motel. FRY GIRL #1 Girls check in, but they don't check out. PREGNANT FRY GIRL Yeah. And they say smokin' is bad for your health. FRY GIRL #1 (raising cigarette into frame) Yeah. EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs past the Laundry Room." CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement. LISA SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 2x4/ballet barre. MOZART plays in the b.g. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes. (Picture Betty Davis in her final days.) CHLORIS And tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. And repeat. Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in the tushes! SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER CHLORIS (cont'd) Close those legs! You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows! Other side. And...tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Tendu. Close. Plie. CUT TO: Chloris smokes and talks to camera. "Ballerinas" practice. CHLORIS (cont'd) Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year. If I was a betting woman, and there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten-to-one that it all comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman. Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this could be if Cain and Abel... The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, taking him out. She leans over and comforts him. LISA Ow! Oh, God. It's so em-so embarrassing. EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY MARY (V.O.) (labored breaths) My winning...the Mount Rose... INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown. MARY ...American Teen Princess Pageant... SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS MARY (cont'd) ...really changed my life. The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the floor. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding head. Mary smiles, oblivious. MARY (labored breaths) ...Amber does my hair...once a week. AMBER (flattered and embarrassed) Well...it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer-- Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair dangling from it. AMBER (cont'd) Oh God... MARY What? AMBER Huh? Oh...Uh, just a little snarl... Amber mouths, "Shhh! Don't tell!" to camera as she tries to pull the clump of hair from the brush. JUMP CUT TO: INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's head with a ribbon. AMBER There we go. She holds the mirror for Mary. MARY (delusional) Beautiful... Maybe next week... a perm. AMBER Yah... sure... Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera. Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of chocolates. She's fully aware of the cameras from the moment she enters. BECKY Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine! (pretending to notice camera) What?! Oh-oh my God! Lights! Camera! And me without a stitch of make-up on. What are you guys doin' here? She's in full make-up. AMBER What're you doin' here? BECKY Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary. MARY (to Becky) Who are you? BECKY (covering) "Who are you?!" Oh Mary, you kill me. (to camera) She always says that. It's a little game we play. Every week - same dippy little look on her face. "Who are you - who are you?" Just like that. (in Mary's face) It's me - Becky - and I brought your favorites. Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill. Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve. AMBER How nice, Becky, she's anorexic. Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap. BECKY (sotto, reprimanding tone) She's skinny, not deaf, Amber. EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET. Posters, articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane Sawyer cover the walls. AMBER ... Dreams? Yah-sure I got kem... Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and bein' a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer. I mean, guys get outta Mount Rose all the time for hockey scholarships or prison. But the pageant's kinda my only chance. INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 1963 AMBER ... Yah-1963. Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times. ANNETTE (O.S.) (yelling, coughing) Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes? AMBER (smiling) That's my mom. (yelling) I'll get kem in a sec. ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE DOOR. ANNETTE (surprised by cameras) Oh shit! AMBER They're from L.A. They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie. ANNETTE (mock-touched, to crew) Oh... How quickly they grow up. (exiting, smiling) Hey, if they ask you to take off your shirt, get the money first. Annette is gone. ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.) And go get my smokes! JUMP CUT TO: EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story. INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE WIND." INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY It looks like a Levitz showroom. Gladys sits stiffly between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, "old school" salesman, drink in hand. LESTER ...You betcha. S'posed to be colder-n- a witches tit tonight... GLADYS (nervous laugh) Oh, Lester. He loves his weather, y'know. LESTER (looking to crew, O.S.) Hey, ya like it? Open it...Yah-the globe. Pull at the equator there. GLADYS We're not in the showroom, Dear. Banging and fumbling. A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it. LESTER Fits three full-size booze bottles. The cassette deck pulls outta Afghanistan, there. BECKY (embarrassed) Mommm... GLADYS Lester? LESTER Oh, all right (to camera) How soon they forget where all this comes from. BECKY Japan. LESTER That's enough, young lady. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER GLADYS "Impartial?" Outside this house I'm Gladys Leeman, President, Civil Servettes - impartial as the day is long. But we're inside my home now and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." So, I can safely say that I'm the mother of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever seen. JUMP CUT TO: INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER Lester's gone from the couch. GLADYS I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving her voice. Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys. GLADYS (cont'd) You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye. Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand. LESTER Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye. GLADYS Sammy Davis, Jr., honey. LESTER Yeah, yeah, the Jew. BECKY Nice one, Dad. He's dead. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Same scene. BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs laps around gym - between Servettes and camera. GLADYS ...Yah-then, for the "Judges Interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant... Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies. All are. GLADYS Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. Then we have the... A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves. GLADYS (cont'd) Hello, Tony. TONY Hey. GLADYS "Hey" to the folks. TONY Yeah, all right. IRIS The Judges Interview. EXT. DRUGSTORE - MAIN STREET - DAY JOHN DOUGH - pharmacist, 30-ish, thin, nervous - chain smokes outside the drugstore. SUPER: JUDGE #1, JOHN DOUGH DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of pageants over the years? JOHN Nope. No. Uh-uh. Never judged a pageant before in my life. Nope. No way. Never around young girls. Even if I was, why would I wanna be, y'know? I-I-I don't get off on that kinda thing and that's really why you're askin', right? S-someone say somethin'? EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - MAIN STREET - DAY HAROLD - owner, late 40's - stands in front of this grubby little store front with his MILDLY RETARDED BROTHER, HANK, who SNIFFS and MUMBLES CONSTANTLY. SUPER: JUDGE #2, HAROLD VILMES DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Do you judge the pageant every year? HAROLD ...Nope. Never judged nothin' afore -- HANK (pointing at camera) Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" HAROLD Shut up, Hank. This here's business. Harold CUFFS Hank. HANK Ow, Harold - Mom said not the head. HAROLD Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap. HANK I will if you shut your piehole. HAROLD Don't make me kick-ya where the good Lord split-ya. Harold raises his hand, Hank FLINCHES and EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So are you excited? HAROLD ...Oh you betcha! We're happier than the day Hanky got acquitted. I get made a judge, then the furniture store hires us to paint the whole damn thing. (removing cap) We're gonna use the money to get our mamma a proper headstone. Oh, and move her out to the cemetery. Suddenly, Hank runs full speed into the window. BAM! He falls to the ground inside. INT. LEEMAN FURNITURE SHOWROOM - DAY Follow Lester around cheesy room displays. JEAN KANGAS, his meek, middle-aged secretary follows him everywhere. Lester CALLS OUT to a YOUNG COUPLE sitting in a dining room. LESTER Hey Tim, Carla - if yous kids don't try to Jew me down none, I'll throw in a matchin' hutch. The COUPLE smiles excitedly. LESTER (cont'd) (to camera) See, that there's my specialty. Don't pay me less and I'll give ya more. (sotto) Secret is, the hutch is included in the price. Ain't that right, Jean? Lester smacks Jean on the ass. SUPER: JUDGE #3, JEAN KANGAS. LESTER (cont'd) Take a memo, sweetheart. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR REHEARSAL MONTAGE BEGINS OVER MUSIC. Contestants run out the side door as if running on stage. Tess Weinhaus trips and falls, causing a chain reaction. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR - LATER Now contestants run out carrying small wooden step ladders. As they reach the CHORUS LINE, they set the ladder down and LEAP FROG over. SUPER: FIRST DANCE REHEARSAL - 1 WEEK BEFORE PAGEANT CHLORIS Four, five, six, seven. And one. Tess runs out, sets her ladder down, jumps and hits mid- crotch. She then slides painfully down to the ground. CHLORIS (cont'd) Put that chair away! Get it! Come on! Get it! Amber TWIRLS perfectly. CHLORIS (cont'd) All right. Let's got. Let's go. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS PAN ACROSS NEIGHBORS' sitting in lawn chairs, enjoying the music and the show. END ON JOHN DOUGH, leaning against his car, smoking and holding a video camera at his side. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN PAN DOWN row doing a seated chorus line on ladders. Most suck. Amber and Becky look great. Tess sits on the grass with a bag of ice on her crotch. EXT. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK On John Dough, beside his car. JOHN I'm just out here watching the young girls - contestants - like the rest of my friends and neighbors... John quickly turns and starts to pry the hood open. ANGLE ON Pat and Brett watch the girls. Pat admires Amber's moves. PAT (re: Amber) Are you gettin' her? Uh, the third one, the blonde one. BRETT Hey. PAT See? Right over there. Right over there. Brett slaps Pat on the back. BRETT Leave him alone, leave him alone. It's okay. EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN John, his car hood open, is caught aiming his video camera at the girls performing a dance. They wear partially constructed U.S. Monument Headdresses. JOHN Oh, this is just a...camera. I keep it in the glove compartment for car accidents. Insurance... You guys got a camera and no one's accusin' you of anything, right? INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN Move through kitchen. LUNCH LADIES haul, serve and prepare food. Pan over to Amber, who's unhappily scraping and spraying lunch trays as they're dropped off at her window. Becky, flirting her ass off, comes to the window with Brett, handsome football player we saw before. Both carry trays. BECKY So, Brett, do you wanna go to the lake with me on Thursday? BRETT Um, actually, I got practice on Thursday. BECKY ...Yah-well, maybe Friday, then. A bunch of us were gonna go cow-tippin'. SUPER: BRETT CLEMMENS, CAPTAIN, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM BRETT (seeing Amber) Uh, I-uh-I'm kinda busy Friday. Amber looks up to see Brett looking at her. He smiles. She smiles. You can feel the attraction. Amber becomes girlishly self-conscious -- adjusting her rubber apron and brushing hair out of her eyes with her big rubber gloves. BRETT (cont'd) (to Amber) Hi... AMBER Hi. Becky notices their attraction and goes from flirt to uber-bitch in a heartbeat. BECKY Giver her your tray, Brett. You're holdin' up the line. Brett looks at Beck, then at Amber, not wanting to make her clean his tray. BRETT Uh... BECKY Give it to her! AMBER Here, I'll take it. It's my job. BRETT NO... (looking at Becky) It's all right. I got it. Don't worry about it. He takes the sprayer from a surprised Amber and starts to clean off his own tray. Becky can't believe his defiance. AMBER Well, you're supposed to put it in the... Becky THROWS her tray on the counter spraying Amber with food as she storms off. BRETT (cont'd) Oh man, you got leutefisk in your hair. AMBER Then it must be Wednesday. INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY Same scene as "funeral bun" explanation. IONA Leutefisk is Cod Fish that's been salted and soaked in lye for a week or so. It's best with lots-a butter. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN Same scene. Brett removes the offending leutefisk. BRETT So, uh, I-I'm not really busy Friday. I just said that - y'know. AMBER I know. BRETT So if, uh, you wanted to do somethin'... AMBER AMBER/BRETT Huntin' season. Shocked at the coincidence, they share a laugh. BRETT Well, uh, I'm cuttin' out early today to do a little duck huntin'...but, uh, maybe I could call you tonight. AMBER Yah-sure, fine...fine. BRETT Okay...well, bye. AMBER Bye. Amber smiles, gives a shy little wave - then, to camera. AMBER (cont'd) Oh, God - you don't think Becky saw you guys, do you? (nervously looking around) Look, you just shouldn't be in here... DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) It's okay. Doreen gave us hair nets. AMBER No, listen. (whispering as she exits) We shouldn't talk here. Stop by my house tonight, okay? She looks around and motions them to rush off. EXT. HIGHWAY NEAR TRAILER PARK - EVENING From the CREW VAN we pass the crappy trailer homes that are off the Highway. (Patsy Cline's "King Of The Road" PLAYS on the radio). EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING Camera approaches the trailer. SIGN on the door reads "Annette's Family Hair Care." Inside, the kitchen has been turned into a mini hair salon. Annette gives Loretta, neighbor, mid-50's - a bouffant. LORETTA What do you mean, they take out her butt? ANNETTE (seeing camera in window) Oh, Jesus H. Christ! LORETTA Are we on "Cops" again? ANNETTE You could be quiet. LORETTA Hi. ANNETTE Hi. JUMP CUT TO: INT. ATKINS TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER ANNETTE It's just the guys that are...you know, makin' the movie about the pageant. I told you about kem. LORETTA Oh, naw. Hi. ANNETTE This here's Loretta. LORETTA I tell Annette, I says, "You talk to me durin' my stories, you might as well be talkin' to the wall." (then) You guys want a beer? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) No, thank you. Is Amber here? ANNETTE No. You just missed her. Amber got called in to the bone gardens tonight. You just missed her. She's in a helluva mood today, anyways. LORETTA Say, yous boys been to the Leeman's? ANNETTE Loretta, shut it. LORETTA Y'know, if you have, you got all the pictures of the winner you need. ANNETTE Shut it up, Loretta. LORETTA Oh, Christ, it's true. Annette begins to comb out Loretta's hair. LORETTA (drinking beer) Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win is Amber. ANNETTE (mumbled to self) Why don't you paint a big red target on your ass, Loretta. LORETTA She's the prettiest, y'know. The best damn tapper. The most smartest... ANNETTE "Most smartest?" Oh, that's good, Loretta. Make sure you get a picture of that. "Most smartest." We're cuttin you off and sendin' you home. Annette takes Loretta's beer, starts to push her out. LORETTA Well, excuse me, Annette, but I'm braggin' up your kid, here. (to crew) Amber's gonna be the next Diane Sawyer, y'know... ANNETTE I'll be right back. See ya later. CAMERA follows Annette and Loretta. ANNETTE (cont'd) They're makin' a movie, here, goddamn it. LORETTA All right, they're makin' a movie. ANNETTE You don't know where this is gonna... LORETTA I got a hairdo. JUMP CUT TO: EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING Loretta holds onto the door frame so Annette can't push her out. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) What makes you think that Becky's going to win? LORETTA Why do I think Becky'll win? You're talkin'... (to Annette) Don't pinch!. (back into camera) You're talkin' kbout the richest family in a small town. It's front page news when one of kem takes a shit. (she laughs hard) Can one of yous boys give me a ride home? ANNETTE Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down. LORETTA So? Be real easy. ANNETTE Go on home, Loretta. Come on. Go on, the party's over. LORETTA Anyone? INT. LARSON FUNERAL HOME - HALLWAY - NIGHT A small sign on the door reads: "EMBALMING - Please Knock!" PUSH INTO ROOM. Amber, back to us, frantically applies blusher to an OLD WOMAN. Another BODY, covered with a white sheet, is on the embalming slab. The top and brim of a HUNTING CAP can be seen. She TURNS AROUND to see the crew. AMBER (cont'd) (surprised) Ahhh! Je-sus-Christ-on-a-cross! (catching breath) Look, number one rule in a funeral home - never sneak up on the livin'. You never know who could have an embalming needle or skull saw in their hand. Mr. Larson's son learned that the hard way - he's buried next to my Grandpa! Amber turns to the slab to continue working. She pulls off the SHEET to reveal BRETT, handsome football player, still wearing his hunting plaid. JUMP CUT TO: INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) AMBER (covering real emotions) Upset about Brett? Nah. Hazard of the trade. I don't really have time for guys anyways. It's weird, though. He took it right between the eyes. Don't often see that. EXT. GUN RANGE - DAY Becky thumbs bullets into a 12-gauge pump shotgun. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So you know, Brett just got shot in the head. BECKY (cool as a cucumber) He did? Well, huntin's dangerous...So, anyways, my mom gave me this 30-aught for my sixteenth birthday... INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER Amber wipes her eyes when Mr. Larson bursts in. MR. LARSON Amber, I need Stella now! SUPER: MR. LARSON, OWNER, LARSON FUNERAL PARLOR MR. LARSON (cont'd) The family's steamin' like a cow pie in July. Said she didn't look nothin' like the picture they gave you. Amber turns from Brett and closes the coffin. AMBER Sorry. I just thought she might not wanna meet her Maker lookin' like a cheap whore. MR. LARSON Well, your "cheap whore" is this family's "lovin' mother." (pointing at Brett) The Clemens said to make him look like he just came from snowmobilin'. Pink cheeks, and... AMBER (starting to mist up) -- red nose and ears. I know, I know. Mr. Larson PULLS Stella's coffin out. INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER An obviously upset Amber puts make-up on Brett. AMBER Sorry I couldn't talk today kcause...I'm scared, okay? (deep breath) I open my locker right after first period and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside. JUMP CUT TO: INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER Amber holds up a snapshot of a SMILING GIRL on a THRESHER. AMBER This was written on back. She turns the picture over to reveal, "YOU'RE NEXT!" EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET TWIN OFFICERS lean against their car. One prepares to pack some snuff. TWIN OFFICER #1 Oh-yah, helluva way to go, there. After some extensive investigation, we figure the Curry girl musta been drivin' and smokin' and KABLEWEY! TWIN OFFICER #2 (holding a Skoal tin) Not enough left of her to fill a tin. He puts a pinch between his cheek and gum. INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER A visibly upset Amber still applies make-up to Brett. AMBER Yah-sure, Tammy liked to driver her dad's thresher - she said the heavy vibration helped her think, y'know? But I know for a fact she only smoked after a good drive. You ask me or anyone else who isn't scared to talk about it - Tammy was murdered. (holding back tears) God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this... (to crew guy) Toss me "Caucasian #5," would ya? A crew guy walks IN FRAME and hands her a make-up jar. AMBER (cont'd) Man, I can't wait for fishin' season... Mr. Larson bursts in, white as a corpse. MR. LARSON Amber... AMBER No, don't say it. Another stray bullet to the head. She adjusts Brett's red plaid hunting cap. AMBER (cont'd) I'm gonna need more caps. MR. LARSON You hafta go home. There's some kinda emergency at the trailer park. AMBER Relax, that's my ma's code for, "Bring home milk and a carton-a Luckys." MR. LARSON No. Loretta called. There's been a... a fire. She grabs the keys and RUNS OUT. EXT. TRAILER PARK STREET/INT. HEARSE - NIGHT Amber drives fast and furious as we come to what's left of her trailer. All the NEIGHBORS are out drinkin' beers, eatin' food and watchin' the excitement. AMBER Oh my God - no! Is my mom okay? Was she home? Hearse SCREECHES to a halt. We hear a THUD, then MOANS from in back. Amber jumps out. Camera follows, a la "COPS." It's pandemonium with fire trucks, neighbors, an ambulance, etc. AMBER (cont'd) Mom! Mom!? MOMMMM! Loretta runs up to Amber as TWO FIREMEN approach. FIREMAN #1 You family? LORETTA No, she's just screamin' "Mom, Mom!" kcause she's got Tourettes... She's Annette's kid, dipshit. AMBER (to Loretta) Is Mom okay? LORETTA She's alive, sweetie. AMBER Where is she?! LORETTA She's right over there. Camera pans over to see a semi-conscious Annette as they load her stretcher into the ambulance, shut the doors and start to pull away. Amber runs after them. AMBER Mommmm! I'll be right behind you in the hearse! LORETTA Don't let that worry you, Annette! EST. SHOT - FARMINGTON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM A DOCTOR, Amber and Loretta stand beside Annette, who's got an I.V., bandages and her LEFT HAND wrapped and ELEVATED. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So, doctor, is this sort of an unusual injury here? DOCTOR Oh you betcha, this was a doozy. Right now, our chief concern is to stabilize Annette, then, in surgery, remove this here. Removing BANDAGE to reveal BEER CAN, still held in her hand. AMBER Oh, Mom, it's so ugly. ANNETTE Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press- ons. (weak) Well, I sat down for a beer and KA- BLEWEY! Next thing I know, somethin' blows through my kitchen window. Next thing I know, I'm ass up in Loretta's flower bed. EXT. TRAILER PARK - DUSK SHAKY VIDEO of a 15 year-old rocker KID from the NECK ROCKER KID #1 (Beavis with a MN accent) Yah-dude, put another fuckin' book under it. ROCKER KID #2 (O.S.) Don't say "fuckin'." My ma's got the windows open. CAMERA MOVES, then steadies. We see all of Rocker Kid #1. Rocker Kid #2 runs into the shot with his guitar. ROCKER KID #2 (cont'd) kKay-dude, hurry. We gots like two fuckin' minutes left on the battery. ROCKER KID #1 A one...two...one-two-three... SUDDENLY Annette's' trailer EXPLODES behind them! Rocker Kids turn to see a BODY (Annette's) FLY through the air. ROCKER KIDS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM ANNETTE (to Amber) I shoved your tap shoes in my jeans before I was blown outta the house, Honey. Check with the guy who cut my pants off. He should have kem. AMBER Mom, uh, about that...I-I'm-oh God... Amber starts to cry and runs out. ANNETTE Oh-Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph, she's pregnant! (calling after her) If you are - come back, sweetie. Mommy wants to talk, then KILL YOU! LORETTA (running after Amber) Annette, why don't you just see if there's any beer left in that can and relax a bit. INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT Loretta and Amber face off. LORETTA You're what?! AMBER I-I'm quittin' the pageant. LORETTA I heard you, I was just tryin' to scare you into changin' your mind. Oh for Chrissakes, Amber, the woman clung to your tap shoes while flyin' through the air like a Goddamn lawn dart! AMBER Oh God, I'm dead... A candy striper approaches them. CANDY STRIPER Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her friend Serious Sally, how kbout some nice cool mints to turn those frowns upside-down. "S." LORETTA (to candy striper) D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if I shoved your head up your ass? Fear sweeps over the Candy Striper - she bolts down the hall! Loretta puts an arm around Amber and starts to walk down the opposite direction. AMBER So, what do I say? LORETTA Simple. Just say, "Mom, I know you sacrificed everything - relationships, dreams - your tummy, ass and thighs - all to bring me into this world. All so I could have tap lessons and be in the pageant - the same one you were in. But, y'know what? I'm quittin'." There. Easy as pie. AMBER Oh my God. I'm so dead... LORETTA Yeah, you betcha... INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - NIGHT Follow Amber in past the now crying candy striper. ANNETTE (throwing mints) Go on! Get out! AMBER Mom, look, don't say anything. First of all, I'm not pregnant. Amber sits on the bed. Annette grabs her shirt. AMBER (cont'd) Mom! ANNETTE I ain't lettin' go ktil you tell me what's up. I'm reaching' a point where I'd kill someone for the nicotine on their fingernails. AMBER (deep breath) Okay. Yesterday I...I got this picture. So I kinda, y'know, I'm thinkin' no. I'm gonna, I-I-I'm gonna quit the pageant. ANNETTE What?! She hits Amber with her beer-canned hand. AMBER Ow! ANNETTE (to camera) Would yous boys excuse us a second? Loretta, you too. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM SHOT THROUGH the window. Amber paces around Annette's bed. AMBER Nice mouth you got there, Mom, but I- I'm not goin' through this again. ANNETTE You're not goin' through this again? You? You're not the one who knows how Jiffy Pop feels. AMBER Oh, c'mon... First the picture of Tammy, then Brett Clemens, now this? It's scary. ANNETTE Let me tell you "scary," Amber. Look at me. Do you wanna look like you been rode hard and put away wet at my age? I'm a "lifer" here. Best I can hope for is to end up in a descent "raisin ranch" where they'll change me twice a day. AMBER That's it, I'm goin'... ANNETTE Honest to God, if I got to do it over? I'd start walkin' outta this town the minute I took my first step. Practically the only thing I wouldn't do different is have you... Amber sits on the bed. AMBER God I hope that's you and not your concussion talkin'. ANNETTE (smiling) It's me...I just don't want this to be the thing you'd do over. This pageant's your ticket outta here. I know you can win, Amber. ANNETTE (cont'd) C'mere. I love you so much. AMBER I love you much. Annette hugs Amber. INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT Follow a jubilant Amber and Loretta. LORETTA Hell-no, she ain't quittin'. AMBER No. Mom said if I did, she'd look up my dad and marry him. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So has your mom kept your dad's life a secret? AMBER No. She never hid the fact that my dad picked his career over us. What'd she used to say? LORETTA "Once a carnie, always a carnie." AMBER Oh-yah. EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - MORNING The twin officers lean against their car. TWIN OFFICER #1 The Atkins fire? Foul play? Shit-no. After some thorough investigatin', we determined it musta been a bad wirin'. Mosta them trailer-folk plug a TV, VCR, crock pot and Fry-daddy into one outlet and don't think nothin' of it ktil KABLEWEY! TWIN OFFICER #2 (taking a pinch of Skoal) Not enough left to fill a tin. INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - DAY Annette is in bad shape. The candy striper nervously stands beside her, holding a syringe. ANNETTE "Bad wirin'?!" Well, if that ain't the biggest crock-a-shit ever. (turning on the candy striper) Ooowwww-Jesus! Did K-Mart have a sale on dull needles? CANDY STRIPER I-I just need one more "do-over." EXT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. Follow the contestants up to the door. INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL A smokey room with DRUNKEN VETS at the bar and CONTESTANTS, in Sunday best, crowded around some tables. They couldn't seem more out of place. INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL SUPER: JUDGES INTERVIEWS - 3 DAYS BEFORE THE PAGEANT GLADYS So, remember the three most important parts of a good interview... IRIS Okay, everybody, listen up! GLADYS Number one, American Teen Princess' don't cross their legs like streetwalkers. The girls put their knees together. GLADYS (cont'd) Excuse me, Miss Penthouse Ninety- eight, put your knees together. (contestants laugh) I could drive a boat show in there. Gladys paces. GLADYS (cont'd) Ankles together. Hands resting lightly on your laps. Good. Sit up straight. Smile! JUMP CUT TO: INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL GLADYS All right. Number two: the judges are as nervous as you are. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM JUDGES - HAROLD, JOHN and JEAN KANGAS (Lester's secretary) sit at a table, clipboards in front of them, STARING at the camera. HANKS sits behind them, fidgeting. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So are you about ready to start the judging - start the interview, there? JOHN (after long beat) Uh, I-I guess I could answer that. Yep. We're ready. So, we should probably get the young girls in here, then. Y'know, to start the interviews... V.F.W. - BACK ROOM Tess enters, sits, then quickly remembers how to sit. Judges nervously look at their clipboards - pencils ready. HAROLD (trouble reading) Uh, "if you could be any tree in the woods, what kinda tree would you be?" TESS (long pause) Dogwood. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON MOLLY HOWARD, seated. MOLLY Bonsai. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE, seated. LESLIE Green? V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON MICHELLE JOHANSON, seated. MICHELLE A tree? I can be any tree you want. Gimme a minute. She begins vocal and facial warm-up exercises. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON BECKY, seated. BECKY One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose, a solid Christian trunk and long leafy branches to provide shade for handicapped kids on a hot summer day. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LISA SWENSON, seated, staring for a long beat, then: LISA You guys know the retard's pants are open? (laughing) I don't want to see that. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON THE JUDGES - Harold reads, John stares longingly. HAROLD "Who would you pick to be president, dead or alive?" PAN OVER to Molly Howard. MOLLY Uh, Emperor Hirohito. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE, seated... LESLIE Brett Favre! V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON BECKY, seated. BECKY My mother, kcause she could solve world hunger with one of her blue- ribbon rhubarb pies, create world peace with one of her prayers and still find time to look beautiful...for my dad, Lester Leeman. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE John Dough drinks nervously from his water glass. JOHN D-do you like to swim? The other judges look at him, then at their clipboards trying to find this question. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON LISA SWENSON LISA Oh-yah, I love to swim. When I was in New York, I met Greg Louganis at one-a my brothers' shows... V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE Janelle, sings a long answer. The Judges look at each other confused and frustrated. JOHN What the hell is she trying to say? (yelling) Say it! JANELLE The ktards pants are completely off! The Judges turn and look at Hank. HAROLD Close up shop. Close up shop, Hank. HANK Harold! HAROLD Close up shop! V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE ON HAROLD HAROLD You Amber Atkins? AMBER (O.S.) Yes. Yes I am. Thank you, hello. All judges turn a page on their clipboards. HAROLD "Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order." PAN OVER to a stunned Amber. AMBER Seriously? HAROLD (O.S.) Ah-yep. Amber can't believe what she's hearing. AMBER Well, ah...Alabama. A-L-A-B-A-M-A. Alaska. A-L-A-S-K-A. Arizona. A-R-I- Z-O-N-A. V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE AMBER West Virginia. W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-N-I-A. Wisconsin. W-I-S-C-O-N-S-O-N. Wyoming. W-Y-O-M-I-N-G. Pan over to Judges. They can't believe it. Hank CLAPS retardedly. He loves her. HAROLD (looking at others) Uh-okay, then. INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM A NURSE now stands beside Mary. MARY With two weeks until the pageant... (continued labored breaths) I was practicing my talent. Finishing my costume, brushing up on current events, and running eighteen miles a day on about four hundred calories. I was ready. The nurse gives her a hit of oxygen. Mary smiles and gives a THUMBS UP from behind the oxygen mask. DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY PAN DOWN long, narrow room. A counter, with mirrors and bare bulbs, cover one wall. Girls set up their areas and change into their talent costumes. SUPER: DRESS REHEARSAL - DAY BEFORE THE PAGEANT IRIS Coupla things...Gladys wants to be sure we go in show order today. All right? So very important. Don't forget that. CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON LESLIE MILLER, in cheerleading uniform, standing beside small framed photos of her boyfriend on the counter. LESLIE (unusually serious) Oh-yah, really nervous. It's been about two months. I haven't told my boyfriend yet. How did you know? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) I meant, nervous about the pageant? LESLIE (suddenly perky) Oh! Nervous about the pageant! Yah sure! She kisses a photo and GIGGLES. CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON BECKY holding a sequin-covered poodle skirt and sweater. BECKY There are eight thousand sequins and fifteen hundred beads on the skirt, alone. My mom and Mrs. Lopez make it. She's one of my father's many Mexican (Me'hee'kan) workers he lifts from the poverty they know in Mexico (Me'heek'koe). CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON AMBER ATKINS at the far end of the counter. AMBER Yah-my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming like this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap costume on the roof-a their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part. It was still on the hanger. DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY CLOSE ON TESS WEINHAUS wearing "I love German Shepherds" sweatshirt, standing beside various trinkets. TESS And, uh, this is my lucky bolt. They think it fell from a DC-10. The doctor said I was lucky the flat side hit me, um, otherwise it coulda gone right through my head. (holds up red tap dress) I know, I know, gives me the willies, too. I guess the explosion... Janelle Betz, wearing a flowing, nymph-like dress with ballet slippers, glides up to Amber. JANELLE (slow, due to signing) Amber? Can we switch numbers? I need to go first. (smiling to camera) My cousin just had a deaf baby and I get to go see it! AMBER Yah-sure, eight's my luck number anyway. Diane Sawyer was number eight at her local. JANELLE Thank you. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY ON STAGE "Through the Eyes of Love" plays as Janelle performs her INTERPRETATIVE DANCE while signing the words. In the f.g., Gladys appears very serious. GLADYS (loud whisper) I'll be honest. This is a hard time for me. This is the part of the pageant when you realize that tomorrow night, all but one of these girls will walk out of here a loser. It's hard for me to know how that must feel, but I'm sure it doesn't feel good. In b.g., a BIG STAGE LIGHT FALLS on Janelle's head. CRASH! Gladys and CAMERA rush the stage. "Through the Eyes of Love" continues throughout. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - PORCH - THAT NIGHT A very shaken Amber paces. AMBER Don't you get it? I was supposed to go first. I was contestant number one. That light was meant for my head. If Janelle hadn't wanted to change numbers... God, I owe my life to that deaf baby. Loretta enters, portable phone and drink in hand. LORETTA That was your mom. She wanted you to have this. AMBER (taking drink) Really, Loretta? LORETTA (avoiding eye contact) You-betcha. AMBER My mom wanted me to have this? LORETTA Oh, shut up. I thought it might help you get some sleep. AMBER Loretta, never have kids. LORETTA Well God-love-ya for thinkin' I still could. Loretta pulls a bag out of a closet and hands it to Amber. LORETTA (cont'd) Here, your ma did want you to have this since your other one got toasted and all. Amber pulls out an ELEGANT GREEN GOWN. AMBER Oh...my...God! It's just like Diane Sawyer's! kCourse it's not a size ten, Diane was a little hippy back then. Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! She hugs Loretta. EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT SUPER: NIGHT OF THE PAGEANT BANNER: "Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant, sponsored by Sarah Rose COSMETICS." The ENTIRE TOWN is excitedly entering. CLOSE ON Mr. and Mrs. Howard and their daughter Tina, who's embarrassed and continues to rant as they pass. All three wear T-shirts with MOLLY'S FACE on them. MR. HOWARD MRS. HOWARD Go Molly! Go! Number one daughter! Behind them Leslie Miller's boyfriend, PAT, and a group of ROWDY GUYS approach. PAT Whooo! Leslie kicks Teen Princess ass! Go Muskies! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY STAGE IS DARK. Crowd takes their seats. You can feel the electricity. We hear the TAPE of a DRUM ROLL. SPOTLIGHT hits center stage. Gladys enters wearing a gaudy gown, takes mic. Applause! GLADYS Welcome, welcome. Okay, alright, now. Is this for me or the gown? Laughter and applause trail off. GLADYS (cont'd) Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant. While every contestant you'll meet tonight is special and unique, they all have one thing in common. They're all "Proud - to - be - an - American!" Wild applause! Jazzy patriotic medley tape. Gym doors fly open and like a Felliniesque Vegas review, CONTESTANTS enter wearing gowns and U.S. Monument Headdresses. They struggle to maintain balance as they dance, moving only their arms, on stage. CUT TO: Becky, whose head is built like another president into Mount Rushmore, is first at the mic. (The "dance" continues behind each contestant as she steps up to the mic.) BECKY I chose Mount Rushmore, because to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans, who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me - Rebecca Leeman - PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE A MONTAGE of OPENING NUMBER INTRODUCTIONS ON LISA SWENSON wearing a Statue of Liberty Headdress. (It's a Barbie Doll that holds an unlit birthday candle.) LISA Living in a country where Lady Liberty keeps her flame burning bright. She reaches up with a lighter to light the candle. It's hard to reach and won't light. LISA (cont'd) Keeps her flame burning bright... INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON LESLIE MILLER as she seductively strokes the sides of her Washington Monument Headdress. LESLIE The Washington Monument... Guys WHOOP and CHEER O.S. LESLIE (cont'd) (enjoying this) ..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be an American. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON AMBER ATKINS with a MAP OF THE U.S. HEADDRESS, dances up to the mic. AMBER Living in a country where no matter who you are or where you come from, you can grow up and become what you've always dreamed of, makes me, Amber Atkins, proud to be an American! INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE ON MOLLY HOWARD wearing an Atomic Blast at Hiroshima Headdress. MOLLY Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard, proud to be an Asian-American. As she steps away from the mic, Tess Weinhaus, wearing a huge ball of twine headdress, dances up to the mic. TESS Uh, this, uh, my Uncle Phil's World's Largest Ball of Twine, in Bundy Minnesota, makes me, um, it makes me proud I'm American - I kinda misunderstood the assignment. The ball of twine falls to the floor and rolls off the stage, still attached at one end to her head. BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM Pandemonium! Contestants change into their "Physical Fitness" outfits. (T-shirts with red flags, shorts) Civil Servettes try to help. A LARGE PICTURE of Janelle Betz sits at her counter space. IRIS Okay, okay! Listen-up. Coupla notes from last night's dress rehearsal. (off clipboard) Number one, Gladys says a coupla yous are gettin' sexy with your hips durin' the "Physical Fitness" routine... AMBER Oh my God! My-my tap costume's gone. Commotion stops. Becky continues to get ready. IRIS Uh, Amber? We're not puttin' on our Talent costumes. You need to put on your "Physical Fitness" outfit. And let's shake a leg, ladies. AMBER No, wait. It-it was here before the openin' number...wait. What am I sayin'? I should just ask you, Becky. Where is it? Becky freezes, staring daggers at Amber. BECKY What? AMBER You heard me. Where is it? The other contestants slowly clear a path between them. BECKY If you're gettin' at somethin', you better just say it. AMBER I just did. BECKY Well then, you better be willin' to back it up, kcause you're talkin' like crazy. They start to slowly circle each other - a cat fight's brewin'. AMBER Oh-oh, you bring me some of that snotty attitude, Becky - bring it on. BECKY Well, as my mother says at Sunday dinner, "Come and get it," bitch! AMBER Oh, I'll "get it." I'll "get it" all right. I might even take seconds. They're moving ever closer... BECKY If you want seconds, then I'll make sure it's hot enough for ya. AMBER Bitch! IRIS (stepping between them) Girls! Girls! BECKY Give me your stringy-ass hair! AMBER I'll get you! CREW GUY (O.S.) (barely audible) Oh God, don't stop kem now... BECKY You're choking my, you fucking bitch! IRIS (putting hand over camera) Y'know, I-I don't think yous boys should, uh, should be in here while the girls are changin'. AMBER I hate her! IRIS We all do. Now let's go. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Gladys is center stage. GLADYS Yah-so how kbout a big round of applause for last year's Mount Rose American Teen Princess, in a farewell performance. Who could forget her lip- synching to "Don't Cry Out Loud," by Melissa Manchester. And here she is, Mary Johanson! Applause! Gladys exits. TAPED MUSIC "It's My Turn." A NURSE pushes MARY JOHANSON out in her wheelchair, complete with portable oxygen. Mary wears a gigantic black wig and silver gown which hangs off her boney body. She moves her lips to the words as the nurse pushes her emotionally around the stage. EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY Contestants, in "physical fitness" outfits, wait outside the double doors, holding freshly painted red, white and blue step ladders. Becky and Amber stare at each other from opposite ends of the line. IRIS All right, why don't we take up the stepladders, all right? For the Physical Fitness number? BECKY (picking up her stool) They're wet. LISA Hey, my hands are stuck. MOLLY (sniffing) Uh, I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes. IRIS Well, hold kem away from you so it doesn't get on the outfits. (turning to Servettes) What kinda mental retard paints step ladders the morning of a pageant. ON STAGE Hank is being pulled off stage by Harold. Gladys adjusts her dress, frazzled. HANK (under throughout) Here come the judge - pinch, pinch - here come the judge - pinch, pinch - here come the judge... GLADYS Get back! Get back, you total retard! LORETTA Go Hank! GLADYS I'm okay, I'm okay - dress is fine. I'm okay...well, our other judges are Jean Kangas and John Dough... EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY Iris and Servettes go in the gym as Chloris Klinghagen comes out. CHLORIS (loud whisper) Opening number looked, uh, good. Solid. But now you're gonna have to actually dance, so... (holds up jar of Vaseline) Here. Put a dab of this on the old choppers, ladies. It'll help you smile. And when they're lookin' at your teeth - God willin' - they won't be lookin at your feet. Chloris gives Amber the jar and exits. From the gym, we hear TAPED PATRIOTIC MUSIC. Contestants CHEER and run in. "PHYSICAL FITNESS" ROUTINE - PATRIOTIC MUSIC As cuts of patriotic dance moves progress, the girls have more and more red, white and blue paint smeared on their clothes, arms and legs. Amber's clearly the best. Taped music ENDS. Contestants, covered with paint, strike a final pose - sitting on ladders, standing, kneeling. Applause. BACKSTAGE - WALKWAY Contestants wait anxiously as they pass a can of TURPENTINE and a RAG to remove paint from their arms and legs. BECKY Hurry up. LESLIE Okay, guys, I think we all got some. You just take it off. AMBER Here, I didn't get any. LESLIE Here, have some. MICHELLE Hand me another white one. LISA Listen, you guys, don't go int the bathroom. Tess blew chunks all over. Man, she ate a big dinner. BECKY Maybe she shoulda shoved that lucky bolt down her throat for desert. Becky storms off. AMBER (sotto, to other girls) And the winner of the "Spirit" award goes to... Girls laugh quietly. Iris pulls a dazed and confused Tess - beg wet spot on her shirt - through the shot. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Iris stands center stage, awkwardly holding the mic. IRIS (reading from notecard) "I'd like to take you back seventeen years, when a peanut farmer was in the White House, a group-a boys callin' themselves kQueen' topped the record charts and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess!" Gladys enters wearing sash, tiara and plaid culottes. Applause. A SLIDE is shown of her at 17. GLADYS (taking mic) Thank you, thank you. You know, I won the talent contest by sewing these culottes, Butterick pattern 7-4-3-2. Can you believe it? They still fit! LORETTA She had a big ass then, she's got a big ass now. GLADYS (pausing for applause) Thank you, thank you. Our next eontestant is ready, so let's welcome her: Tess Weinhaus! APPLAUSE. Tess is pushed on stage. BACKSTAGE - LEFT Amber paces. ON STAGE Tess drones on at the mic. TESS (in the b.g. throughout) The beagle is known for it's howl. "Aaauuuuuhhhh." The Pekinese has it's own distinctive bark. "Yip, yip, yip." Not to be confused with the Chihuahua's, "Yap, yap, yap." But none can compare to the greatest bark of all - the German Shepherd... AMBER (to camera, loud whisper) ...Yah-it's just gone... (eyes welling up) I mean, I-I just wanna tap, y'know? I'm not sayin' I'm the best, or that I'd even win, but shouldn't I at least get a chance to compete? (starting to sob) I just wanted my Mom to see me dance. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN enters, small bag in hand. CHLORIS (loud whisper) Amber - Amber, c'mere. AMBER Please, Mrs. K, I got so much Vaseline on my teeth, I'm gonna be smilin' for a year. CHLORIS No. Here. Chloris pulls a simple BLACK LEOTARD from the bag. CHLORIS (cont'd) It's nothin' special, but talent like yours doesn't need to hide behind sequins. AMBER Mrs. K-- CHLORIS You're... you're special and... Ah hell, go out there and kick some Leeman ass. Amber, overcome with joy, gives her a big hug. CHLORIS (cont'd) Not so hard, sweetie. I heard somethin' snap... INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM ON STAGE: Leslie Miller, in uniform, performs an amazingly sexy cheer as TWO SINGLET-CLAD WRESTLERS wrestle (One is boyfriend, Pat.). LESLIE Roll him over -- (clap, clap, clap) Lay him flat (clap, clap, clap) Pin his shoulders (clap, clap, clap) To the mat (clap, clap, clap) Roll him over, lay him flat, pin his shoulders, to the mat! Yeahhhh! She JUMPS, KICKS and ends with SPLITS. APPLAUSE! JUMP CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER Michelle Johanson is on stage, sitting on a stool, wearing all black. She smiles warmly. Then, with one sweep of her hand across her face, her smile drops. She's dead serious. MICHELLE (without emotion) Fade in...Earth. The year is two- thousand twenty-four. The question on everyone's mind: What is...Soylent Green? She sweeps her hand back across her face and she's "in character," pained, near death, and overly dramatic. BACKSTAGE - LEFT - CONTINUOUS Amber, now in the leotard, talks to Iris. Michelle performs from "Soylent Green" in the b.g. AMBER (loud whisper) Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to me? Why're you pretendin' you don't know what's goin' on? IRIS Amber, I'm sorry. I really am. But you know the rules. All talent costumes hafta be okay'd by Gladys before the pageant. AMBER But, doesn't someone taking your costume so you can't compete, overrule that rule? IRIS Sorry. I-I don't make the rules. AMBER This, this... This is bullshit! IRIS Amber Atkins! That is not American Teen Princess language! AMBER Good, kcause this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant - it's, it's Nazi Germany! Amber storms off. IRIS (shaking head) Where do they get this stuff... INT. BACKSTAGE CAMERA FOLLOWS AMBER as she storms over to BACKSTAGE - RIGHT where Gladys watches Michelle ON STAGE. AMBER Mrs. Leeman? GLADYS (turning) Huh? AMBER I-I'm wearin' this costume. I'm, uh, I'm gonna do my talent tonight. GLADYS Oh really - I don't think so. (suddenly aware of camera) Uh, Amber, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but rules state that a costume must be okay'd at least a week in advance. And this... (pointing to costume) This is why we have the rule. My goodness gracious, I couldn't allow a neckline this low on stage. We have kids in the audience. AMBER But, you - I mean... It's not my fault. I-I... Please? I didn't do anything wrong... Amber starts to cry. MICHELLE (climaxing) That's why... I must say... (raising arm upward) Soylent Green... is... people. She doubles over. She's given it all. APPLAUSE. GLADYS Oops, that's my cue. Gladys starts out on stage as Molly Howard, dressed like a red, white and blue cowboy, runs up next to Amber. She's twirling toy guns on her fingers. MOLLY Wish me luck. AMBER (drying her eyes) Good luck, Molly. One of Molly's guns flies off her finger. She goes to retrieve it. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Molly is line dancing, occasionally taking "pretend" shots into the air. It's incredibly repetitive and dull. BACKSTAGE - CARL'S "LIGHT AND SOUND" BOOTH - CONTINUOUS As Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" PLAYS in b.g., Carl, the janitor, sets plastic army figures on fire with a cigarette lighter. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Gladys is center stage. Molly Howard walks off crying, having just finished her routine. POLITE APPLAUSE. She's still spinning her guns, again one goes flying. GLADYS Thank you, Molly. INT. HIGH SCHOOL/STAIRWELL - DRESSING AREA Lisa, top hat, tails, giant "I LOVE NY" button - and others try to console a CRYING Amber. Becky continues singing O.S. LISA (arm around Amber) Oh, Amber... AMBER (can't catch breath) I-I-I-I-I-, j-uh-j-uh-just wanted to compe-e-e-e-ete. LISA I can't believe this is happenin'. I can't believe she said you couldn't... Getting an idea, Lisa starts to take off her jacket. LISA (cont'd) Amber? Here. AMBER (still sobbing) "Here," wh-wh-what? LISA My jacket. Take it kcause, y'know, I got my costume okay'd before the pageant. You can wear it. MICHELLE Oh man, Lisa, I wouldn't do this. LESLIE (to Lisa) They're never gonna let you perform naked. I asked. LISA Shut up, yous guys. Look, Amber, I'm not gonna win. And let's be honest, a family only needs one "Liza" and you know Peter's got much better legs than me. AMBER Your parents'd kill you. LISA Oh c'mon, I love kem, but you know they only had me kcause Peter needed a kidney. AMBER Lis, I want to, I really do, but... Oh, I can't. LISA Then do it for Peter. Mrs. Leeman used to call him a "skinny little fag" when he'd bag her groceries. He'd pop his Nancy-belt if his old jacket somehow, I don't know, got her back. AMBER Yah? LISA Oh-you-beccha. Amber hugs her and takes the jacket. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE Gladys guides Molly off the stage. GLADYS Now, it's with overwhelming pride that I introduce contestant number six, who also happens to be president of her class - two years running - a member of the honor roll and the new President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club - Rebecca Ann Leeman! STAGE GOES BLACK. SPOT HITS BECKY, who sits at the edge of the stage, holding a mic. She's head to toe sequins in her poodle skirt, sweater, saddle shoes, etc. BECKY (talking over music) I don't know how many of you know this, but I've got a very special fella in my life - that's right, I do... And if nobody minds, I'd like to sing a little song, just for him. SPOT FOLLOWS as Becky stands and walks center stage to what appears to be a COVERED MANNEQUIN. TAPED INTRO TO "I Can't Take My Eyes Off You." BECKY (cont'd) You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you. You'd be like Heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At long last love has arrived and I thank God I'm alive. Becky removes the sheet, revealing a MANNEQUIN dressed like JESUS as he appeared on the cross: long hair, beard, crown of thorns, loincloth. The ARMS ARE STUFFED so they move freely. (Hands of stigmata.) BECKY (cont'd) You're just to good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you... Becky TALK-SINGS - a la William Shatner's "Rocket Man" - and DANCES around the Jesus mannequin doing the jitter- bug, the twist and a slow dance (his arms on her shoulders). DURING THE SLOW DANCE, THE LOIN CLOTH SLIPS AND BECKY MUST HOLD IT UP - GIVING THE APPEARANCE OF GRABBING HIS CROTCH. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - BACKSTAGE Iris approaches Lisa who's given her outfit to Amber. IRIS C'mon, Lisa. You're up next. LISA I quit. And, uh, since my costume, y'know, was okay'd a month ago? I'm givin' it to Amber. Amber breaks a smile. Taped music ENDS. APPLAUSE. Gladys, mic in hand, joins Becky for a big hug. GLADYS Boy, I'd hate to follow that. Wow! Becky exits, pulling the wheeled Jesus behind her. GLADYS (cont'd) Voice of an angel, that one. Iris runs self-consciously out on stage, whispers in Gladys' ear, then runs back off stage. GLADYS (cont'd) ...Uh, I was just told that contestant number seven, Lisa Swenson, has quite the pageant. CROWD REACTS. GLADYS (cont'd) Well, these things happen. At any rate, we still have one more contestant - number eight, Amber Atkins. Gladys exits. A taped hip, hot DRUM BEAT starts. Suddenly, Amber glides into CENTER SPOT. (Now wearing Lisa's costume, sleeves rolled up.) Her feet burst into an amazing routine. The loud drum beats seem to fly from her hands and feet as they punctuate the rhythm. There's no glitz, just unbelievable skill. It appears effortless as she floats around stage. Like watching Michael Jackson moon walk for the first time, you can't take your eyes off her. She concludes, center stage, with the GREATEST THIRTY SECONDS OF HER LIFE. The audience goes WILD! Amber takes bow after bow - they love her. Gladys enters quickly, mic in hand. GLADYS (cont'd) Okay, okay, okay! Well, now, it's finally time to say good-bye to our judges, so they can go make the toughest decision of their lives. PAN TO JUDGES. They look nervous as hell. A relaxed Hank sniffs from a paint soaked bag. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT Judges stare nervously at the camera - clip boards in front of them. Hank's LOUD BREATHING from the paint soaked bag is obviously getting on John's nerves. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So who get's the crown? How are you going to figure this all out? JOHN Uh, we're gonna, y'know, compare scores and uh, figure out a-a winner. kCause we don't know the winner yet... I mean, I-I don't know who Jean and Harold picked. No idea. Did Gladys send you in here? HANK I know the winner! I know the winner! I know the winner! JOHN No you don't! Shut your goddamn mouth, you son-of-a-bitch!! Nerves shot, John suddenly LAUNCHES himself across the table at Hank. HAROLD Wait a second. JOHN You shut it! You goddamn retard! Hank freezes, then starts to wail! HANK EE-AAAYEEEE-AAAAYOUIAAAEEEEEEEE! HAROLD Come on! Hankey here can't help it if he was born crazier than a shithouse rat! Hank stops crying and goes back to the bag. JOHN For fuck's sake, why didn't ya leave him with a sitter? Hank begins crying again. HAROLD Real nice. You know the sitter's dead. DISSOLVE TO: BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM Girls, in gowns, sit in silence. Becky and Amber sit at opposite ends of the room. There's obvious tension. LESLIE So, anyone talk to Janelle? AMBER Yah-I brought her some flowers this morning. She's in the room next to my mom. She's super happy. Girls ad-lib SHOCK. TESS She's happy? LESLIE Why happy? AMBER (cont'd) Oh -- the blow to her head made her deaf... Girls ad-lib "Oh, I see. Okay-then." etc. Another LONG BEAT of SILENCE follows. Becky gets up to re-touch her make-up. BECKY (losing it) Oh, good Lord! What're they doin'? Lettin' the retard count votes?! Contestants stare at her in shock. Iris enters. IRIS It's time, ladies. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM Judges are back. Gladys is center stage. Girls enter and form a line behind her. TAPED AMERICAN MEDLEY STARTS. GLADYS Welcome back, everyone. Judges. Our Second Runner-up and winner of a fifty- Taped fanfare. Leslie bounds forward, grabs her trophy, stands to one side. PAT (O.S.) You rule, Leslie! Audience laughs. Leslie waves. GLADYS Our next prize, a seventy-five dollar scholarship -- Audience ad-libs amazement. GLADYS (cont'd) ...will be awarded to the First Runner- up. Taped DRUM ROLL. Contestants (except Becky) take hands. Iris gives Gladys an envelope and trophy. GLADYS (cont'd) And the First Runner-up is - (opening envelope, face drops) Contestant number eight, Amber Atkins. Ad-lib audience shock and disbelief. Contestants are stunned. Amber steps forward, humbly takes the trophy and stands beside Leslie. Audience finally quiets. GLADYS (cont'd) And finally, the moment I know I've been waiting for... Iris hands Gladys a LARGE TROPHY and envelope. Mary Johanson is wheeled out wearing sash and tiara. GLADYS (cont'd) With a scholarship of five-hundred dollars, courtesy Leeman Furniture, and all expenses paid for next weekend when she'll be competin' for the title of Minnesota American Teen Princess... Taped drum roll. Gladys opens the envelope. GLADYS (cont'd) Our new Mount Rose American Teen Princess is contestant number - ah heck, she's my daughter - number seven, Rebecca Ann Leeman! Polite audience applause. Becky rushes forward. Gladys RIPS the tiara and sash off Mary, places them on Becky. BECKY Oh, thank you so much! AUDIENCE Loretta and Annette watch on. ANNETTE Shit. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE The ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR, from earlier scene, enters and sings to a tape as Becky takes her victory walk. ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR (tune of "Miss America") "Here she is, Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess. Look at her, doesn't she look fine. Our hearts swell big, as we look at her. Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess." EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER AMBULANCE pulls up. Mary Johanson, unconscious, slumped in wheelchair, is brought out and put in. Amber and Loretta wheel Annette out. Paramedics put her in, too. ANNETTE We was robbed. LORETTA Okay. Take her purse. AMBER Bye mom. ANNETTE We was robbed. AMBER It's okay. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER Amber faces camera as ambulance pulls away. AMBER Oh, Mom's okay. They're just givin' her a ride back. She almost blew outta the back of Loretta's pick-up on the way over. LORETTA Thank God for bunge cords. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER AMBER (tearing up) ...Yah-well, at least, y'know, I got to perform. And Mom got to see me. (crying) I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer... Loretta puts her arm around Amber. They walk off as Leslie and Pat approach. LESLIE Hey-hey, I'm Second Runner-up! Whooo! I got second place! PAT Third. LESLIE Huh? Lisa passes by with her parents. They look pissed. LISA No, it was worth it. Amber shoulda won. LISA'S FATHER I'll tell ya one thing. Peter never woulda pulled a shenanigan like that. LISA Well, y'know what, dad? Y'know what? Peter's gay! She runs off. Her parents stop DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS. LISA'S FATHER What?! DISSOLVE TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT CLOSE ON BECKY'S FACE. Flashes illuminate it. With each photo she changes her smile and expression. She loves this. PULL BACK to reveal two older men, with old-style news cameras, flash pictures. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) So, how does it feel to be the new Mount Rose American Teen Princess, Becky? OLDER MEN turn and look at camera, then take out a pen and note pad. BECKY Well, it's all happenin' so fast. Goodness-gracious, it hardly seems real, y'know? I mean, I won! I'm the winner! I'm going to State! GLADYS She's the winner and we're going to state. INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GIRL'S BATHROOM - DAY Fry Girl #1 and Pregnant Fry Girl smoke. FRY GIRL #1 What a surprise. Gladys Leeman's finally gonna go to State. And she'll probably ride on Becky's ass all the way to Nationals, too. PREGNANT FRY GIRL I wonder how she's gonna fix that one. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Are you ladies going to the parade tomorrow? PREGNANT FRY GIRL Nah. I think I'm like, due or somethin'. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - NEXT DAY Beautiful sunny day. Lester talks to camera. LESTER Ahhh. Beautiful as a whore's ass today. Eh, boys? In the b.g., Gladys holds a bullhorn, clipboard and points to a LARGE SWAN FLOAT. GLADYS (into bullhorn) Hey! Turn that float around. You think a swan's gonna swim ass first up Main Street? LESTER Yah-Gladys had me order that swan special made from Mexico (Me'hee'koe) in case Becky won. I do a lotta business with those people. I always offer to pay kem in tacos. (laughing) Whoo, they love that. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Entire town lines the road. The Mayor and the Leman family stand behind the red ribbon. Parade PARTICIPANTS are lined up behind them. MAYOR (into bullhorn) Yah-hello-hello...shit! How the fuck do ya work this damn thing, huh? Oh. Welcome to our first ever American Teen Princess Parade - which also happens to be the unveiling of our new sewer system! CHEERS! Becky cuts the ribbon. More CHEERS! MAYOR (cont'd) Yah-so, while Becky gets on her float, then, any questions kbout the new sewer? Yah, Clem? JUMP CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER THE PASSING PARADE: - THREE FAT VETS, dressed as the Revolutionary War trio, hold American, Minnesota and POW/MIA flags. - TWO BATON TWIRLERS stand in front of the Mount Rose High School Band. They play - way off key. - JUDGES wave from a convertible. Hank, in passenger's seat, struggles to get out. His seatbelt prevents it. - TWO GRUNGY OLD CLOWNS smoke impatiently. - TWO FAT WHITE MEN, dressed as Indians, sit on scooters. - FAT MAN drives a riding lawnmower, pulling a flatbed with A SPEEDBOAT and a FISHING CAMP GROUP. - FARMER pulls a goat with a sign: "Milk Me for $1.00" - A BRIGADE of tap dancing BASSOONISTS. EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET Harold and Hank pull over and park their truck. Harold quickly gets out, obviously in a hurry, slamming on a pouting Hank. HAROLD Let's get this straight right now. We wouldn't have been late at all if it wasn't for you. HANK I want to have the big bag of little donuts. HAROLD You get nothing, Hank, okay? HANK I want to get the big bag of little donuts. HAROLD There's your paint can. The next time you drink window cleaner, I'm just gonna leave it in ya. Harold rushes off for the parade, joining other folks carrying baskets, lawn chairs and flags on the sidewalk. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - BACK TO DOCUMENTARY CAMERA PAN OVER to see Gladys helping Becky climb on the swan, unaware of camera. In b.g., DOCUMENTARY CREW interviews Amber and Leslie on their convertible behind the swan float. GLADYS C'mon, Rebecca, you wanted it. Now get up there. Ride it side-saddle if you have to - like a horse. C'mon, now. BECKY It smells funny. Like gasoline. GLADYS Oh for chrissakes, everything smells like that in Mexico. BECKY My dress'll reek. GLADYS Listen, little missy, this cost your dad a pretty penny. Now get your ass up there and show me some teeth. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Amber and Leslie, in gowns, look unhappy as they stare straight ahead, exhaust fumes - that appear to come from the swan's ass - cover them and their old convertible. LESLIE Amber, if I die from these fumes, will you be sure to cover the hickies on my neck? AMBER Yeah... LESLIE And the bite marks on my ears? AMBER (slowly turning) Yes... LESLIE I know it doesn't matter, but on my inner thighs. AMBER Yes, Leslie! EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER Hank rubs his head, then angrily gets out of the truck, SLAMMING THE DOOR ON ONE OF THE SUSPENDERS ON HIS OVERALLS. He starts to walk, but can't, eventually leaning out from the truck - only moving his arms as if walking. EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER Hank, still stuck in the door, is being teased by a GROUP OF KIDS who poke at him with flags and sticks. ANOTHER LITTLE KID taunts him with his cotton candy - keeping it just out of his reach. Hank bats at them like Frankenstein and the torch wielding townsfolk. EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER Hank, still stuck in the door, holds the little kid by the back of the shirt in one hand and eats the kid's cotton candy with the other. The kid struggles to get away. A few BROKEN FLAGS are scattered on the ground. HANK Help...Hank! Help...Hank! Help...Hank! Help...Hank! ON SWAN FLOAT. Gladys approaches. GLADYS Okay, I designed the float, you know. And, what's gonna happen here is that this is going to look like a glistening lake beneath the swan. IRIS Uh, Gladys? GLADYS What! IRIS We need more bars! GLADYS This is -- what? IRIS Enid ate a whole pan! GLADYS I swear to God she can't do anything by herself. EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER AMBER (to camera) Oh-yah, this is exactly how I pictured it. Chokin' on swan gas. Suddenly, like a gasoline soaked pinata, it EXPLODES! Gladys is thrown back. Flames. Screaming. PANDEMONIUM! Becky doesn't have a chance. She's a pink taffeta BALL OF FIRE. The swan's back eventually collapses taking Becky into it's burning belly. INTERCUT WITH MR. HOWARD'S VIDEO. Gladys watches in stunned silence as her daughter and only chance at State go up in flames. Suddenly, she CRACKS! GLADYS Oh my God! My Baby! The swan ate my baby! (grabbing at burning float) Ow-ow-ow! Get up, Rebecca! Get outta there! We've gotta go to State! Oh hot! (she scorches her blouse) Oh, damn. I like this blouse. Rebecca! Get up, angel face. Time to go to State! Ow-ow-ow! Eventually, Gladys tries to climb up on the float. Iris pulls her off. GLADYS (cont'd) Get offa me, you cow! Gladys spins and notices the silent CROWD. GLADYS (cont'd) What're you lookin' at? Huh? A whole God Damn town of losers! That's what I'm lookin' at! Crowd reacts. Gladys notices Amber and runs up to her car. GLADYS (cont'd) You! You piece-a-shit trailer trash! This shoulda been you! Damn, I shoulda killed you when I had the The crows reacts again. Gladys spins, noticing someone. Lester approaches. GLADYS (cont'd) Hey, Ted, sorry. I didn't know your family was in the garage when I set it on fire! LESTER Gladys! Stop it! GLADYS Guess it wasn't a garage sale as much as it was a bake sale. Ah- hahahahahahahaha! Lester tries to pull her away from the crowd. GLADYS (cont'd) Let go-a-me, you old bastard! She grabs a BURNING 2X4 off a float and starts swinging it. GLADYS (cont'd) At least you've got another daughter. CROWD GASPS. Then stunned SILENCE. CAMERA CIRCLES Gladys and Lester getting reaction shots of the crowd. LESTER So help me, Gladys. GLADYS Becky was my only shot at state! LESTER That's enough! GLADYS Let go! Let go of me. Oh my God, it's COPS! TWIN OFFICERS, followed by "COPS" TV CREW, run up and aggressively tackle Gladys. As the struggle on the ground continues, crew guys go over and shake hands with the "COPS" crew - obviously knowing them. GLADYS (cont'd) (pointing to Lester) He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms! The COPS crew begins to mingle with the DOCUMENTARY crew. SCOTT Hey, man, how're you doin'? DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Hi! What's up, Scott? You remember Bruce, right? SCOTT Long time, no see. DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.) Bruce, that's Roy. (they shake hands) Roy, Bruce. EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY Lovely hillside. A PASTOR and TOWN FOLK - heads bowed - stand beside a FRESH GRAVE. PASTOR That's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow that we turn over to you a young woman whose dream of ridin' on a giant swan brought about her untimely death. Maybe it's your way of telling us to buy American. EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER The funeral is over. Amber, Loretta, Iris and Servettes awkwardly face each other beside the grave. Iris takes the PARTIALLY MELTED TIARA from the headstone. IRIS As, uh, actin' President of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes, it's my duty since Becky can't fulfill her duties - kcause she's dead-n-all - to make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess. She puts the TIARA on AMBER. Loretta FLASHES pictures. MALE REPORTER #1 Turn around and let me see. EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER Annette, Amber (wearing her tiara) and Loretta are leaving the crowning ceremony. All are happy as they push an extremely drugged Annette out of the cemetery. LORETTA What is wrong with you? AMBER I don't know. I just didn't wanna win like this. LORETTA You stop right there. You are a good person. Good things happen to good people. AMBER Really? LORETTA No. It's pure bullshit, sweetie. You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it. Let's get you a root beer float. AMBER Okay. LORETTA Do you guys want some shots? I'm buyin'. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY Amber sits on the picnic table. In the b.g., Loretta exits her trailer with a FED-EX GUY. She pats his buns as he exits. She approaches Amber with a packet. AMBER (V.O.) I never liked her, but she didn't deserve to die in the belly of a swan like that. The whole thing's just kinda sad and lame at the same time. LORETTA (handing over packet) This came for you, sweetie. AMBER Ah! It's from State! Oh my God! Amber rips it open and holds up a color brochure with COLLEEN and TERRY in a glamour shot on the cover. AMBER (cont'd) (paging through packet) It's all the stuff I get to do. Oh my God, oh my God... Okay, okay... We get a "personal consultation" with a make- up artist -- Eeeh! Okay, um, there'll be a choreographer to the stars and, oh no -- No way. Oh... My... God! LORETTA What? For chrissakes, spit it out. AMBER I'll be stayin' overnight at... The Airport Howard Johnsons! LORETTA Right by the airport - Oh, Amber... AMBER There's an indoor swimming pool! Ahhhh! Loretta joins in the screaming. AMBER (cont'd) Oh crap - I only got four days. I gotta practice! EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - MORNING MONTAGE BEGINS over MUSIC. Amber emerges from Loretta's trailer, Pop Tart in mouth, book bag in hand. SMILES. WAVES. EXT. TRAILER PARK Taps her way down the road, out of the trailer park. INT. CAFETERIA - MONTAGE Amber scrapes trays. PAN DOWN. She wears tap shoes, practices her routine. INT. HOSPITAL - MONTAGE - DAY Amber walks around the room in high heels, balancing a bedpan on her head. INT. MORTUARY - MONTAGE Amber dances around the room, using a suit on a hanger as a partner. A naked old man is on the embalming slab, a sheet covering his nasties. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - NIGHT In silhouette, Amber taps on the picnic table by the light of the FULL HARVEST MOON. DIP TO BLACK: EXT. AIRPORT HOWARD JOHNSONS - DAY WHITE LETTERS ON BLACK: "STATE FINALS" We look up at the towering Howard Johnsons and see a huge banner which reads: "WELCOME AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS, FRIED CLAM PLATTER $9.99." Suddenly, a 747, not more than thirty feet above the hotel, flies over - the sound is deafening. LORETTA All right, say "Airport Ho-Jo." AMBER Airport Ho-Jo! LORETTA I got it! Yeah, why don't ya take a Mr. Larson unloads Amber's luggage from the hearse. Loretta leans against it, arm around Amber, smoking and occasionally flipping off people who stop to stare at this unusual sight. AMBER Loretta, don't do that. LORETTA I'm sorry. They're just starin'. AMBER I gotta work with these women. LORETTA Okay, sweetie, that's all right. Let's go. Let's go. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA There's a fake tropical look, with loads of plastic palms, etc. CAMERA FOLLOWS Amber into area. BANNER: "STATE FINALS - SPONSORED BY THE MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY" Contestants (25) sit at tables, they seem more mature, more professional. Amber smiles and gives a little wave. Terry approaches Amber. TERRY And you are... AMBER Mount Rose American Teen Princess. TERRY Funny, you don't look dead. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Colleen and Terry address the assembled contestants. SUPER: COLLEEN DOUGLAS AND TERRY MACEY - MINNESOTA AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS STATE BOARD AND OWNERS OF THE MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY COLLEEN Okay ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen Douglas and this raving beauty on my right -- TERRY I'm a mirror. COLLEEN Correction. This spunky monkey on my right is Terry Macey. And we are your Minnesota American Teen Princess State Board. TERRY We're also the co-founders of the Minnesota Modeling Academy. Applications are at the tiki bar. We'll wave the fifty dollar application fee if you list a friend and put her address. COLLEEN That's right. TERRY Okay? COLLEEN Mm-hm. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA Loretta, seated at the bar, puts her arm around a man next to her. LORETTA So...you're cute. Oh, I see you're married. (to bartender) You catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present. All right? Open wide... (she throws the olive) Oh, God, you got that on the first try. Come here. Loretta kisses the bartender. LORETTA (cont'd) You are cute. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - COURTYARD STAGE AREA - DAY TERRY Due to budgetary cutbacks - and the fact that Nationals didn't cough up a damn nickel this year - you won't be stayin' overnight. So pay attention, you've got about eight hours until showtime. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY A DISCO BEAT POUNDS from a boom box. Mr. Melchoir, the choreographer, watches contestants move in fast-paced crisscrossing formations. Amber is among them. Miss St. Paul screws up. MR. MELCHOIR Remember to count, ladies. Cross on the left and arms up on eight! On the beat! On the beat! Keep on it! Keep movin' it! C'mon, Miss Forest Lake, take that stick out of your ass or I will. All right. Very nice. Now come on, arms out. We're in the front row. Come on, sell it! That's very nice. Remember, figure eights, ladies... INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Colleen and Terry smoke and drink at a tall tiki table that's covered with empties. In the b.g., a pageant worker passes out PINK BAGS to the contestants. All the while, TWO FAT KIDS play "Marco Polo" in the pool. COLLEEN (tipsy, holding up glass) I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass. I look at it and say, "it's half full." Which, in the beauty pageant biz means, "Where the hell's my waiter!" She laughs hard, then spins around in her chair. COLLEEN (cont'd) (screaming) Stop with the fuckin' Marco-Polo before I rip your fat little heads off! INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS A very mature Miss Burnsville talks to Amber who is staring at Miss Burnsville's supernaturally well- supported chest. MR. MELCHOIR Miss Burnsville, you're up next... JUMP CUT TO: INT. STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS - MOMENTS LATER Amber sits addressing the camera. Miss Burnsville is gone. AMBER Don't tell anyone, but, I have a little secret weapon of my own. Amber pulls out a jar of Vaseline from her purse and smiles innocently. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET - DAY Contestants hungrily fill their plates with seafood. INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET Amber stands beside the buffet, holding only a salad. AMBER I don't eat shellfish. Mom always says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can carry its house around with it - who knows the last time it's been cleaned." She should know. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA Amber eats at a tall tiki table with Miss Minneapolis. MISS MINNEAPOLIS ... I've done about thirty-five pageants. I guess my most memorable one'd have to be Miss Teen America, 1995. It was in Vegas. My roommate did Adam West. SUPER: MR. WEST WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT MISS MINNEAPOLIS (cont'd) She said he was sooo horny. Amber stares at her with wide-eyed disbelief. JUMP CUT TO: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY Amber watches four contestants in a row practice their talents. All are equally amazing. "THEME from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" starts. Miss Minneapolis steps ON STAGE - silver unitard, silver streamers, silver tap shoes. She starts a TAP ROUTINE that RIVALS AMBER'S. AMBER (whispering to camera) Oh my God. Look at her, she's awesome. I should just go home now. Terry and Colleen stand in front of the stage. TERRY Okay, okay, that's enough - I get it. SUDDENLY Miss Minneapolis FREEZES. MISS MINNEAPOLIS Oh - oh my God... (doubling over in pain) I gotta go! She runs off toward the RESTROOM. COLLEEN (calling after her) Well, you're gonna have to do somethin' with those nerves before Nationals. Thirty-million people aren't gonna wait while you run to the john. Other waiting contestants suddenly double over, ad- libbing "oh no! oh my God!" "I'm gonna puke!" etc. More contestants grab their bellies. NEWS FOOTAGE: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - MORE FOOTAGE FEMALE REPORTER (hand on earpiece) Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly. A salmonella dysentery outbreak, now traced to improperly refrigerated shellfish, was believed to be the cause. Joining us now is David Richardson, a member of the documentary crew filming the pageant. He was there when tragedy struck. TELEVISION SET CREW GUY Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks everywhere. I've never seen anything like it before, and I live in L.A. (laughs) Hey, Ed. FEMALE REPORTER #2 Can you tell us any thing about the controversy? Is there a controversy here? Has there been sabotage? Follow REPORTER as she runs over to Amber, Colleen and Terry. All three look dazed. Reporters SHOUT questions. COLLEEN (with forced sobriety) People, people - wait, wait a minute, here. Uh, while we haven't ruled out sabotage from neighboring state pageants - Iowa, Wisconsin, North Dakota... TERRY Yeah. COLLEEN Dakota. TERRY Ohio... COLLEEN That bitch from... TERRY What? COLLEEN Wisconsin. TERRY All right, then. COLLEEN The bitch. TERRY The important thing is that we have a winner... PULL BACK to reveal we're: INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - BAR - NIGHT The mayor and other vets, watch Amber on the TV. COLLEEN (ON T.V.) And, on behalf of the Minnesota Modeling Academy, we proudly present Amber Atkins. Your new Minnesota American Teen Princess. The place ERUPTS in CHEER! ON TV: Terry sets a tiara on Amber's head. FLASHES. MAYOR Yah, ain't it just a kick in the fuckin' ass!?!? I'll be a snake's prick if tragedy and pageants ain't got a way of bringin' folks together... (directly at camera) Yous boys tell me when want me to start, okay? INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY IONA Amber?! What-the-hell's goin' on around here? I'm Mount Rose American Teen Princess. Where the hell's my tiara? I bet those sneaky little Japs took it... INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT Cathy and other townsfolk are glued to a small TV set on the counter. FEMALE REPORTER (ON T.V.) Amber, how do you feel? AMBER I, uh... I feel like... I, uh, I need a shower. Townsfolk laugh and cheer. CATHY Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph I hope Gladys Leeman hangs herself in her cell when she hears this. INT. WOMEN'S PRISON - REC ROOM ROUGH HAND HELD FOOTAGE. We see Gladys walking around, holding onto the back of a large black woman's belt. GLADYS Uh-huh. No, no. Gosh, no. You know I still don't want to be on camera... SUPER: PHONE INTERVIEW WITH GLADYS LEEMAN FROM MINNETONKA WOMEN'S FACILITY GLADYS (V.O. ON THE PHONE) Yah - I just wanna say - that little bitch better watch her back at Nationals kcause I'm makin' friends on the inside... Yah-friends who have friends on the outside... FEMALE PRISONER Get your sweet ass off the bunk, Cinnamon. GLADYS (V.O. ON PHONE) Gotta go. Click. DIAL TONE. EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY Annette (left arm's been amputated and replaced with metal pincers which she hasn't mastered yet) sits at the picnic table with Amber and Loretta. Throughout the following, Annette struggles to open a beer can which keeps flying out of her pincers. (Handmade "congratulations" posters cover the lawn and trailer.) AMBER I just, I just can't believe it. I'm Minnesota's American Teen Princess! LORETTA Our baby's going to Nationals! Lincoln, Alabama - look out! AMBER I'm gonna be on TV! Just like Diane Sawyer. Annette opens a beer with a new HOOK replacing her hand. LORETTA Annette, just use your hand. ANNETTE They told me to practice. AMBER Okay, ready? Here's the signal I'm gonna give Ma when I'm on TV. Amber MIMES inhaling a cigarette and Annette embraces her. ANNETTE My little Carol Burnett. EXT. AIR FIELD In the middle of a corn field. The "runaway" is a gravel path cut between rows of corn. A FOUR-SEATER plane is on the runway, in front of a group of town folk with hand- made "good luck" signs. Amber (in Minnesota sash and tiara) and the Mayor stand beside the plane. (NOTE: The plane never moves.) EXT. AIR FIELD - LATER MAYOR (into bullhorn) Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen Princess - soon to be the next America's American Teen Princess - our little Amber! ZOOM IN ON AMBER as PEOPLE cheer Amber on. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY A giant Sarah Rose Cosmetics logo on the wall greets Amber. SUPER: SARAH ROSE COSMETICS NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS, LINCOLN, ALABAMA. The CONTESTANTS, including Amber, look around for the directory. It reads: FOR LEASE. A sign at the front of the building reads: SEIZED. SUPER: IN ITS FIFTIETH YEAR, SARAH ROSE COSMETICS WAS SEIZED BY THE IRS FOR TAX EVASION... As the CAMERA catches the reactions of our contestants - SUPER: THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT WAS CANCELED... We STOP on MISS OKLAHOMA. She SCREAMS SUPER: ...PERMANENTLY EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY As the contestants run out the building... SUPER: BUT IN ITS PASSING WE ARE INSPIRED BY THE SPIRIT OF THE MANY YOUNG WOMEN WHO WERE ITS HEART AND SOUL... Contestants THROW and HURL suitcases and items through the glass of the building. SUPER: ...AND BY THE MANY WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN PURSUIT OF THE TITLE... The contestants TEAR DOWN the Sarah Rose Logo. DIP TO BLACK: EXT. CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY A very perky Leslie Miller, with very big hair, stands out front in a white lab coat. She smiles and waves to camera. SUPER: LESLIE MILLER ENTERED "THE CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY"... EXT. STRIP BAR - NIGHT A COLOR PHOTO of slightly less perky Leslie, wearing go- go boots and a smile, dances in a cage. SUPER: SHE WAS LAST HEARD FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE PHILIPPINES. IF YOU SEE HER, PLEASE CALL 1-800-X-QUEEN. DIP TO BLACK: INT./EXT. HARDWARE HANK It's a lovely shot of the front window SUPER: HAROLD VILMES DIED UNEXPECTEDLY OF LYMES DISEASE FROM A DEER TICK BITE Suddenly, HANK, buck naked, runs back and forth past the window, spanking himself and waving "hi." SUPER CONT: LEAVING HANK THE STORE DIP TO BLACK: EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET MOLLY HOWARD is being helped into a van with "Lutheran Children's Orphanage" painted on the side. She looks sad. SUPER: MOLLY HOWARD RETURNED TO THE "LUTHERAN CHILDREN'S ORPHANAGE" AFTER HER PARENTS WERE GUNNED DOWN BY A SNIPER OUTSIDE THE FOOD SHACK. INT. ROOM - DAY CLOSE UP of a newspaper photo of Gladys. SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN ENTERED A STATE-WIDE PRISON BEAUTY PAGEANT... The banner and hat she wears read: MINNESOTA 2ND PLACE, CELL BLOCK SUPER: ...SHE CAME IN SECOND. INSERT: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES "EX-BEAUTY QUEEN ESCAPES PRISON, VOWS "REVENGE ON MOUNT ROSE" EXT. MAIN STREET - FOOD SHACK Gladys, wearing Army Fatigues and brandishing a semi- automatic rifle aimed at the FOOD SHACK, holds off a S.W.A.T. team. GLADYS Come on out, you little blonde piece of trailer park trash! LOCAL NEWSCAST Female reporter is on the scene of the Gladys Leeman stand-off outside the food shack. We see Amber, Annette (with hook hand) and other town folk behind her, watching the action. "LIVE" flashes on screen. SUPER: DURING THE SIX-HOUR GLADYS LEEMAN STAND-OFF FEMALE REPORTER We are here in the sixth hour of a shoot-out between Gladys Leeman - MAN AT FOOD SHACK Get down! The female reporter suddenly stiffens and falls over. SUPER: LOCAL REPORTER PAT MILES WAS STRUCK BY A STRAY POLICE BULLET. Amber steps under the police barricade, over Pat's body, takes the mic and continues the newscast. She's a natural. AMBER This is Amber Atkins reporting live from the Food Shack for...KRLH News. One of our reporters has just been shot. SUPER: AMBER, SHOWING AMAZING POISE UNDER PRESSURE, WAS GIVEN HER JOB. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MINNEAPOLIS NEWS STATION Amber, now looking like a Midwestern news anchor, sits with a BLOND MALE ANCHOR. A LOGO in B.G. reads: TV WAZB TWIN CITIES. BLONDE NEWS ANCHOR I'm Peter Aitchison. AMBER And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZB News. SUPER: ...was given her job. AMBER (cont'd) Good night. As they smile and laugh, we: FADE OUT.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB Duck Soup (1933) Screenplay by Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior of the executive mansion. It is a gala day. Soldiers are lined up in front of the entrance; expensive cars and carriages are arriving and depositing distinguished notables from the adjoining countries. Two trumpeters at the head of the stairs announce the arrival of each notable. In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of the late president, is greeting the newcomers. The room is filled with distinguished guests. At the moment we see Mrs. Teasdale, she is talking with a notable. In the near background is a group of distinguished men, members of her own cabinet. Her words to the notable are not lost on them, and as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the exchange of disapproving glances. MRS. TEASDALE It is so good of you to come. NOTABLE An honor, Mrs. Teasdale... You must indeed have great faith in your new dictator to give him such a magnificent reception. MRS. TEASDALE I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the only logical successor to my dear departed husband. He has the statesmanship of Gladstone, the humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom of Pericles. The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the scene. As he does, the background group moves into Mrs. Teasdale. Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale. FIRST CABINET MEMBER (Protestingly) Mrs. Teasdale, as members of Freedonia's cabinet, we do not approve of your choice. Who is this Rufus T. Firefly? SECOND CABINET MEMBER (Waving aloft a paper) A stranger in our midst, an agent for the Eureka Ammunition Company. Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition salesman dictating the policies of our peace-loving country. THIRD CABINET MEMBER Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it is too late. The citizens of Freedonia want a President! MRS. TEASDALE As the widow of your last president, I have the right to choose -- and, Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the matter any further. Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to mumble among themselves. From off scene comes a servant's voice, announcing: SERVANT His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi Trentino of Amnesia! Cut... to the archway. We see Trentino enter with a beautiful brunette at his side. He is followed by two or three of his fellowmen. He moves across the reception hall to Mrs. Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips to the back of her hand, then introduces his companion. TRENTINO Mrs. Teasdale... my niece, Vera. Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl's hand warmly. MRS. TEASDALE (To niece) Your uncle has been such a friend to us in every crisis. Without his country's financial aid -- TRENTINO (Lightly) What is money? (Tenderly) Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do anything. MRS. TEASDALE (Flustered) Ambassador! (Attempting to change the subject) I am so anxious for you to meet our new dictator. TRENTINO (Persistent in his flattery) Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules Freedonia, to me you will always be the first lady of the land. Trentino attempts to take her hand. The latter is a bit confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly says: VERA Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle's hopeless -- you've been the only topic of conversation ever since we left Amnesia. Mrs. Teasdale's confusion is happily interrupted by the announcement of a servant, off scene. SERVANT The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of Mufhtan! MRS. TEASDALE (Hastily) Oh, I must greet His Honor. Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly. Vera and Trentino look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their eyes meet. VERA So that's the one you want to marry. TRENTINO With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and Freedonia under my control -- (He rubs his hands significantly) VERA Maybe it's not going to be so easy. From what I've heard, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly. TRENTINO That's where you come in. I'll leave him in your hands, and don't forget you're supposed to be my niece. Vera winks agreeingly. Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO). She introduces him. MRS. TEASDALE I want you to meet the son of His Excellency -- Bob Firefly... Ambassador Trentino... his niece, Vera, After the formalities of introducing, Trentino says: TRENTINO Isn't it about time for the ceremony to begin, Mrs. Teasdale? (Mockingly) I do hope His Excellency won't be late. BOB (Defensively) My father makes it a point to always be on time. As long as I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment. TRENTINO But it's two minutes of ten now. BOB (As music begins) His Excellency is due To take his station. Beginning his new Administration... He'll make his appearance when The clock on the wall strikes ten. MRS. TEASDALE (singing) When the clock on the wall strikes ten All you loyal ladies and you patriotic men Let's sing the national anthem when... The clock on the wall strikes ten. The clock begins to strike the hour... one... two... three... four... ALL (singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Mightiest of mighty nations! Hail, hail, Freedonia Land of the brave and free. This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects the reception hall with the outer hall. Groucho doesn't appear and once more they all sing. ALL (singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once more. ALL Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with Bob. Vera and Trentino smile. MRS. TEASDALE (Nervously) I hope nothing has happened. BOB Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is nothing to worry about. Father is probably taking extra care in getting into his robes of state. I'll call him. Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a tapestried bell cord. This rings a fire bell in Groucho's room -- and Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed under a mosquito netting. He has an unlighted cigar in his mouth. The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him from his slumber and he rises quickly. The cigar begins to emit smoke when he starts puffing. He hurries over to one corner of the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman fashion, gets into them, and then sides down a fireman's pole into the reception hall. The guests are singing the last two lines of the national anthem when he arrives. ALL Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of Mrs. Teasdale. He passes several notables, one of whom is wearing an impressive looking medal. Groucho deprives him of it without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on himself. He pauses only when he is facing the principal group. MRS. TEASDALE (Beaming as she addresses Groucho) As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you and extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia. I deem it an honor on this momentous occasion... GROUCHO (Interrupting) Never mind that stuff... He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends them to Mrs. Teasdale. GROUCHO Take a card. The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies. Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket. MRS. TEASDALE What'll I do with this card? GROUCHO You can keep it -- I've got a whole pack... Now what were you saying? MRS. TEASDALE As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms. GROUCHO How late do you stay open? MRS. TEASDALE In choosing you, I feel that I serve my country well. I heartily endorse everything you stand for. GROUCHO Well, I won't stand for much. And I won't stand for you if you don't show some improvement soon. Look at your report card last month -- "D" in spelling... six in behavior. Now who were the six? A fine state of affairs -- no wonder you can't matriculate, now what were you saying? MRS. TEASDALE The future of Freedonia rests upon you. Promise me you will follow in my husband's footsteps. GROUCHO (To CAMERA) I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. (To Mrs. Teasdale) Not that I care -- but where is your husband? MRS. TEASDALE (Slightly embarrassed) Why - er -- my husband passed away... (reverently) I was with him to the very end. GROUCHO No wonder he passed away. I'd like to be with you to the very end. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you -- I love you. MRS. TEASDALE (Very warmly) Your Excellency! GROUCHO You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Teasdale, when I look at you I can see that we're facing a crisis. We've got to balance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including, you. Ambassador Trentino enters the scene. MRS. TEASDALE Oh... Your Excellency... I would like to present to you... Ambassador Verdi Trentino Of Amnesia... Having him with us today is indeed a great honor. TRENTINO (To Mrs. Teasdale, smiling appreciatively) Thanks... but I can't stay very long. GROUCHO That's even a greater honor. TRENTINO I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will of my people. GROUCHO I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars. TRENTINO Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum... I'll have to discuss that with my Minister of Finance. GROUCHO Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally? TRENTINO (Surprised) $50? GROUCHO I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as security. (Throwing a glance at Mrs. Teasdale) or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the jackknife... I've a better proposition... Make it $25 and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you foreclose. TRENTINO (With a puzzled look at Groucho) Your Excellency, haven't we met before? GROUCHO (Looking at Trentino) Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have won that race if you tried a little harder. Vera Trentino enters scene. TRENTINO Excellency, may I present my niece. GROUCHO Go ahead. TRENTINO You don't understand. This is my niece Vera. GROUCHO (Throwing her a glance) And Vera niece, too. VERA Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom. GROUCHO You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of it. Where's my secretary? (Looking around) Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene. BOB Here I am, Father. GROUCHO (To Bob) Take a letter. BOB (Taking out a stenographer's pad and pencil) Who to? GROUCHO The President of the United States. Bob writes as Groucho dictates GROUCHO My dear President... read it back... BOB (Reading from pad) "My dear President"... GROUCHO That doesn't sound right... take out "President"... now read it. BOB (Reading) "My dear"... GROUCHO That's not right yet... put back "President" and take out "dear"... How does it read now? BOB (Reading) "My President"... GROUCHO There's still something wrong with it... take out "President" ...now what've you got? BOB (Reading) "My"... GROUCHO Now we're on the right track... Put back "dear"... How does it read? BOB (Reading) "My dear"... GROUCHO You can't say that to the President... Put back "President"... Now let's hear how sounds. BOB (Reading) "My dear President"... GROUCHO That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and send it airmail. BOB Is that all? GROUCHO Take another letter... to my tailor. Bob takes dictation again. GROUCHO Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly... Send that immediately. BOB I'll have to enclose the check first. GROUCHO You do and I'll fire you. Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize his remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale enters to Groucho. MRS. TEASDALE (To Groucho) Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every land are gathered here in your honor -- (Indicating the guests with a wave of her hand) This is a gala day for us. GROUCHO Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any more. MRS. TEASDALE If it's not asking too much -- (Recitative) For our information just for illustration (Begins tune) Tell us how you intend to run the nation. GROUCHO (Singing) These are the laws of my administration: No one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke -- And whistling is forbidden... ENSEMBLE (Singing) We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA GROUCHO (Singing) If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer is pursued And in the hoosegow hidden... ENSEMBLE (Singing) If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued - GROUCHO If any form of pleasure is exhibited Report to me and it will be prohibited. I'll put my foot down; So shall it be - This is the land of the free. The last man nearly ruined this place He didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does sailor's hornpipe) The treasury is low on dough; The last man went and flew with it. If you think we're short of money now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does Highland fling) The country's taxes must be fixed - And I know what to do with it, If you think you're paying too much now, Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Takes flute from inside pocket and plays strain of Dixie) DIGNITARY (Singing) In our midst you stand The ruler of this land A man who'll govern with an iron hand. GROUCHO (Singing) If anyone gets fresh with me, I'll show him who's the boss; I'll stand upon my dignity, And toss him for a loss. And this will be the penalty For those who doublecross - We'll stand 'em up against the wall, and Pop goes the Weasel ENSEMBLE (Singing) If you should make him cross, He'll toss you for a loss. If anyone gets fresh with him, He'll show him who's the boss. Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung GROUCHO (Singing) I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair; I'm strictly on the up and up, So everyone beware. If anyone's caught taking graft And I don't get my share, we'll stand 'em up against the wall - and pop goes the weasel! ENSEMBLE (Singing) So everyone beware Who's crooked or unfair; No one must take a bit of graft Unless he gets his share. (Groucho dances as above is sung) GROUCHO (Singing) If any man should come between A husband and his bride, We find out which one she prefers By letting her decide. If she prefers the other man, The husband steps outside; We stand him up against the wall And Pop goes the Weasel! ENSEMBLE (Singing) The husband steps outside; Relinquishes his bride; We stand him up against the wall And take him for a ride. (Groucho dances as above is sung) GROUCHO The population must increase With great rapidity. We give a couple seven years To raise a family. If, by that time, there is no branch Upon the family tree, we stand 'em up against the wall - and Pop goes the Weasel. Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance continues. He might finish dance in her arms, looking tenderly at her as she beams down at him. MRS. TEASDALE (As she beams on him) You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal... It is easy to see you have an open mind. GROUCHO That's what I get for dressing in a hurry. MRS. TEASDALE Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the House of Representatives... Have you got your speech ready? GROUCHO I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their seats... (He takes a paper from inside pocket as he says above... then reads from paper) Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation -- MRS. TEASDALE Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg... GROUCHO (With a look of great surprise) He did?... I told my son not to leave it laying around... Where is son? Bob enters BOB Here I am, Father... GROUCHO Send for my car... BOB (Calling to servant off scene) His Excellency's car! This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene... A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat. He bows low as he hands it to Groucho... Groucho takes hat, removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his hat and with a swanky gesture exits... again we hear a servant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car"... We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion, outside, standing at attention... their trumpets at their sides... From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His Excellency's car"... The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon the car... We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage. This is a pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in the center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in background identify the garage. At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter's call. Instantly the two guards move to the center of the gates and call through the bars - GUARDS (In unison) His Excellency's car! Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the other side of the wall. The two guards open gates moving in military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car. The motorcycle is decorated... perhaps a crest in relief on the side of the car... a thin staff, about four or five feet high is fastened to the handle bars... As Harpo rides along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further along the road he hits a man... he looks behind to see what damage he's done, but continues riding... A CUT BACK to the man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground. We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motorcycle... he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows a few bars of taps... he mounts motorcycle again and starts off... CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from mansion... the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing hands... Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down stairs... as fast as they can. CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho, carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho gets into the side-car... and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo: GROUCHO To the House of Representatives... ride like fury... Don't stop for any signals and don't wait for a corner to make a turn... see if you can break a record... Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the ground... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle starts off but leaves the side-car. Groucho gets out of side-car... starts back to steps, stops and says: GROUCHO A fine thing -- leaving the head of the nation at the foot of the stairs... As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo... riding along... A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo pursuing and breaks into a run... CUT BACK to Harpo following her, putting on speed... he lowers the Freedonian flag and simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and cross- bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop is parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators... he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor and follows in pursuit... The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the scene and rides up the stairs after her... As Harpo gets about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen approaching the mansion. CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly through the room... a moment later we see Harpo on his bike following... there is panic among the guests. Then we see the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular balcony... CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he rides and sees the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On the balcony above, the girl is running, with an occasional glance over her shoulder as she runs out of scene... Harpo rides into scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the manner of a six day bicycle rider... following closely behind him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle the mezzanine... Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder at his pursuer... this is done in imitation of a six day bicycle race... The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo... the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony... as he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes another open doorway. Harpo comes riding out of it and is now in pursuit of the cop... CUT down stairs to Groucho... One hand is upraised holding a gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then addresses guests looking into CAMERA. GROUCHO That concludes the nine o'clock sprints... Next Saturday night the winner of the six day bicycle race will receive ten thousand dollars in gold... the following morning we go off the gold standard... CUT BACK to balcony... Harpo is passing the cop... He holds up his hand for the cop to stop... they both come to a halt... Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over angrily to cop, takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the cop as we FADE OUT... END OF SEQUENCE "A" SEQUENCE "B" FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Representatives. This interior although not a replica of our own House of Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious-looking dignitary. On the platform are a few desks... perhaps a pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives... The one to the right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by Bob Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses. Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the House. SPEAKER Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for forty-six years we have enjoyed the friendship of Amnesia, so ably represented by Ambassador Trentino. (Indicating the Ambassador who is present) We owe it to ourselves to listen to what he has to say... Trentino takes the floor TRENTINO Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual for a representative of one country to advise the legislative body of another, I assure you that I have the interest of Freedonia at heart ... (Deferential applause) We have lent you money in the past -- we are willing to lend you money again -- but, we cannot do it if your leader is allowed by you, to carry out his ridiculous proposals... In self-protection it is my -- Bob rises to interrupt BOB I object!... we have no right to discuss this matter in the absence of my father. SPEAKER (To House) We have been meeting every morning for eight days and not once has His Excellency been on time... TRENTINO (Looking at his watch) Gentlemen, I cannot wait much longer... SPEAKER (To Bob) Would you mind calling your father again? Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall... CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene. Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he slides down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide down the pole into the House of Representatives. As he arrives the members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the national anthem. MEMBERS (Singing) HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the brave and free... Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on his coat as he goes... Just as he reaches the desk the singing subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in the direction of one of the representatives. GROUCHO (Pointing toward the individual off scene) The Secretary of Agriculture was a little flat... (He takes a match and scratches it across the top of the desk to light his cigar... takes a few puffs, then raps the gavel.) I move we open the morning session... Has anybody got a cork screw? (Looking out and around at members) [page missing] GROUCHO What's to stop you from digging one... And after you dig a river, how're ya gonna cross it without a bridge...? We've got to have a bridge to stop people from going places -- then we've gotta stop them from coming back. If you're worried about the expense we can have a bridge with only one end -- and if that's a success we can do away with it altogether. I'm telling you that what this country needs is -- Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"... this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first strain of the PEANUT VENDOR... Groucho listens, annoyed and then continues GROUCHO If there's one thing we don't need right now -- it's peanuts -- gentlemen, what good is a bridge if you haven't got ammunition to blow it up... ammunition was never cheaper... Right now, you can get two cannons for the price of one and shoot twice as far for half the money... With every five thousand dollar purchase we throw in a Big Bertha... If you don't like her, you can throw her right out again. I tell you no country can protect itself without -- Again Chico's voice comes over scene singing "P-E-A-N-U-T- S"... The whistling of the first strain of song - the PEANUT VENDOR is heard again SPEAKER I'm sorry your Excellency, it is that infernal peanut vendor Chicolini... How can we accomplish anything with that constant annoyance? TRENTINO Your Excellency - are we or are we not going to discuss this problem - my time is valuable - I'm a man of few words - GROUCHO I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!! Trentino exits resentfully GROUCHO (To Bob - aroused) Go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building -- Get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of peanuts. BOB I've tried to chase him but it's no use - he won't go - GROUCHO He won't eh? - We'll see about that - send for your father immediately. BOB But you're my father - GROUCHO Never mind then, I'll get in touch with him myself - CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has a whistle on it conspicuously displayed - CHICO (Singing loudly) "P-E-A-N-U-T-S" CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT VENDOR" - Trentino enters to Chico - CHICO (To Trentino) How'm I doing, boss? TRENTINO Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything you can to disturb Firefly - Now what about your cousin? CHICO He's working very hard - I got him a job driving Firefly's car - He's-a driving him crazy and I'm driving him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the "Peanut Vendor" is heard coming over scene with orchestra accompaniment... GROUCHO (Glaring angrily at window) I'll get rid of that pest - watch me -- He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish dancer... as he reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is by his peanut stand. GROUCHO (To Chico - angrily) Hey you!! CHICO All right - Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho - The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts to eat the peanuts. GROUCHO Have you got a license? CHICO No, but my dog he's a got millions of them -- GROUCHO (Munching peanuts as Chico walks over and stands under window) What kind of a dog is he? CHICO He used to be a bloodhound but he's anemic -- GROUCHO Well - what is he now? CHICO He's half poodle and half watch dog - GROUCHO Half watch dog? CHICO Yeh, he's only got one eye. GROUCHO I don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end of a leash - a ninety-nine year leash - (Gives him a look of disgust) Look - what do you call your dog? CHICO I don't call him, I whistle. GROUCHO What do you whistle? CHICO Yankee Poodle. GROUCHO I've got just the place for a man like you but I'm too busy right now to do any digging. What do you call your dog when you want him? CHICO I don't want him. GROUCHO Well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a pound? CHICO He only weighs ten ounces -- GROUCHO I can use you in the House of Representatives. We need a man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is going to. Step inside. Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of House of Representatives GROUCHO (To Bob) In case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place? BOB (After a moment's thought) About - thirty-four seconds. GROUCHO We'll start a fire -- (Indicating representatives) -- and get rid of these microbes. Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office. CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone. Just as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico enters through the other door. He is wearing gauntlets, reaching half way up his arms. As they walk toward each other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad dash for the telephone on the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the phone, picks up the receiver. CHICO (At telephone) Hello!... Yes... Yes... He's not in... Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting impatiently CHICO That was for you. GROUCHO I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you... Now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yelling "peanuts" in front of the House of Representatives. CHICO Oh no, I can't do it. GROUCHO You don't want to be a public nuisance, do you? CHICO Sure. How much does the job pay? (or) Sure, if there's a chance for advancement. GROUCHO You wouldn't consider going over Niagara Falls without a barrel? CHICO 'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara Falls once. GROUCHO Did you shoot the rapids? CHICO No, but I shot some ducks. GROUCHO If there was an open season for fellows like you, I'd get myself a hunting license. Anyway, I'm going to make you a sporting proposition. You give up the peanut stand and I'll make you vice-president of the country. CHICO Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a brother who was a vice-president once and that's the last we ever heard of him. GROUCHO Well, maybe he's still the vice- president. Now if I were to offer you -- Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and run for the telephone. Again Chico gets there first. Groucho stands by exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end of the line CHICO (To telephone) Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All right... Goodbye. (Hangs up receiver - then says to Groucho) That was for you again. He wants you to call him up as soon as you get back. GROUCHO I don't know what's keeping me. I should've been here a long time ago. Now how about my proposition? CHICO What other job you got? GROUCHO Let's see -- What've I got in my cabinet besides mice -- (Stops to think - then very enthusiastically) I've got it -- how would you like to be Secretary of the Interior? CHICO That's no good. I like to work on the outside. I must have something easy. GROUCHO Then you don't wanna work hard? CHICO I don't wanna work at all. GROUCHO In that case you'll have to take a civil service examination -- if you pass I'll put you in the post-office -- stick out your tongue. CHICO I don't wanna stick out my tongue. GROUCHO Well, if you wanna work in the post- office you'll have to stick out your tongue. CHICO Look, I'm a very nervous man. I gotta have a job where I come to work at eleven -- go to lunch at twelve -- and quit at one. And twice a year I gotta have a six month vacation. GROUCHO I've got just the job for you -- Secretary of War. CHICO 'At's-a fine. Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash for the telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and reaches the phone first. Harpo picks up through telephone receiver, listens to conversation on the other end with an occasional nod and shake of the head. As he listens, he scribbles message on a piece of paper. He holds the written message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes a few more words on the paper. During this, Chico and Groucho stand by, terribly worried. Finally Harpo hangs up the receiver and exits, tearing up the paper GROUCHO (After a moment's glance at Harpo) You know, I'd be lost without a telephone. Now - where were we? Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary of War. The first thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and I get 10% commission. CHICO What do I get? GROUCHO You get half mine and I get half yours. CHICO I don't want to buy ammunition -- we no gotta war. GROUCHO Then we've gotta start one. Do you know how to start a war? CHICO Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult somebody. Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves, then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to Chico in the professional manner of an experienced duelist GROUCHO My card. CHICO (Laughing) That's a-no good. You gotta insult somebody from another country. Look -- (Puts his large gloves on the desk) I come from one country. You come from another country. I say something you don't like. You say something I don't like - and I'm insulted. GROUCHO Why wasn't I insulted? CHICO You was insulted, but you don't know it. GROUCHO (Indignantly) Then I demand an apology! CHICO That's a-no good. If I apologize we no got a war. Look -- I send you a scrap of paper. You send me a scrap of paper -- and we have a scrap. GROUCHO You've got a brain after all - and how you get along without it is amazing to me -- Now, who can I insult?... Who do we owe money to?... (Enthusiastically) AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him? CHICO He's-a very easy to insult -- I say something to his niece once, and he slapped my face. GROUCHO Why didn't his niece slap your face? CHICO She did. GROUCHO What did you say to her? Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho gives him an indignant look GROUCHO You're lucky I don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed of yourself. Where did you hear that story? CHICO You told it to me. GROUCHO (Puzzled for a moment) Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me... I'm going right out and find Trentino. You go right out and get yourself an army. Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him GROUCHO Wait a minute. What kind of an army do you think we oughtta have? CHICO I think we oughtta have a standing army, so we can save money on chairs. At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk and sees the larger gauntlets. He takes a swing with his own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets in is hand. CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side car. Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets, gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand, says: GROUCHO To Mrs. Teasdale's residence! The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car behind. GROUCHO This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been anywhere yet. And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back into the building, the scene FADES OUT END OF SEQUENCE "B" SEQUENCE "C" FADE IN to garden party. This is an afternoon tea in the garden of the Teasdale estate. Spotted in the set-up are innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables. The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the first sequence. The only two people absent are Ambassador Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale. Vera Trentino is seated at one of the tables and her presence is established there in the opening shot. Music is heard over the scene and should be continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra on the premises. Suddenly the chatter ceases as the following announcement is heard coming over scene. GUARD'S VOICE (From off scene) His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly! All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone rises to sing the last four bars of the national anthem. Cut to the gateway leading into the garden... a servant on each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets... GUESTS (Singing) HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the brave and free... Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards and starts down the walk among the guests. From his attitude it is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador Trentino. Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest off scene. The following dialogue comes over the scene. TRENTINO'S VOICE Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage would not only unite two great families... CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner of the garden -- both are at a tea table. This shot leaves Groucho out. TRENTINO (Continuing) ...but would further cement the relations of our countries. MRS. TEASDALE (Fluttering with excitement) Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed honored... (Falteringly) But you see - well - I -- TRENTINO (Repressing his anger - coldly) Oh. Then there his somebody else? MRS. TEASDALE Well no -- not exactly -- but -- TRENTINO (Impatiently) Gloria -- I've waited for years. I won't be put off! I love you! I want you! (Taking her hand pleadingly) Can't you see that I'm at your feet? Groucho enters the scene. GROUCHO (To Trentino) When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine. I haven't been to a chiropodist in two years... (To CAMERA) If that's not an insult, I don't know what is. (Turns to Gloria) Gloria, I love you. I -- TRENTINO (Furious, to Gloria) Can't we go some place where we can be alone? GROUCHO (To Mrs. Teasdale) What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family. I can't give you wealth... (Archly lifting his eyebrow) ...but we can have a little family of our own. MRS. TEASDALE (Coyly) Oh, Rufus! GROUCHO All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head. MRS. TEASDALE (Happily confused) Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know what to say. GROUCHO I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. (Turning to Trentino) Maybe you can suggest something. TRENTINO (Hotly) This has gone far enough! This interruption is humiliating, to say the least... GROUCHO Well, why not say the least and get it over with? MRS. TEASDALE (Fearful) Gentlemen! Gentlemen! TRENTINO (Half addressing Mrs. Teasdale) I didn't come here to be insulted. GROUCHO That's what you think. TRENTINO (Furiously) You swine! GROUCHO Give me that again! TRENTINO You worm! GROUCHO Once more! (Holds his gauntlets in his hand, ready at any moment to strike) TRENTINO You upstart! GROUCHO That's it! No man lives who can call a Firefly an upstart. Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across the face with his gauntlets. Then he quickly flashes his card and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist. GROUCHO (As he offers the card) Touché. A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted by the rumpus begin to move into the scene. Prominent among these is Vera Trentino. Trentino refuses Groucho's card, white with rage. TRENTINO (Coldly) I shall report this indignity the my President. (To Mrs. Teasdale - polite but firm) Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this regrettable occurrence will plunge our countries into war. MRS. TEASDALE (Half crying) This is terrible! VERA Uncle, you can't do this! TRENTINO (Politely) My dear niece -- I must ask you not to interfere. War is not a woman's problem. VERA (Rising angrily) It is every woman's problem. Who supplies the sons? -- the brothers? -- the husbands? Who... GROUCHO (To Vera -- interrupting) You keep that up and you'll crab the whole war. VERA Carry out this tragic folly if you will -- But I for one will not be a part of it. (She winks at Trentino) I will stay here in Freedonia. TRENTINO (As a faint smile of understanding vanishes from his face) Very well then, if that's how you feel about it -- (suggestive shrug of his shoulders) My country has spoken. He turns on his heel as if about to leave. Groucho stops him GROUCHO Then it's war? TRENTINO (Stiffly) Yes. GROUCHO How're ya fixed for ammunition? TRENTINO Bah!! (Waves Groucho aside and exits) GROUCHO (Dramatically) THEN IT'S WAR! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta GROUCHO THEN IT'S WAR! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta GROUCHO GATHER THE FORCES! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta GROUCHO HARNESS THE HORSES! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta GROUCHO THEN IT'S WAR! The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is punctuated by the staccato notes of the trumpet. Groucho makes a military exit from scene in time to the music, which goes into a military march. As Groucho reaches the gate, the guard hands him his high silk hat. Groucho takes the hat -- removes a white rabbit from it -- hands it to the guard -- as he exits through gate. DISSOLVE. END OF SEQUENCE "C" SEQUENCE "D" INSERT of newspaper. The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from background -- as it stops we read the following headlines: "ARMIES MOBILIZE AS WAR CLOUDS GATHER!" Through this insert we get the vague impression of war activity. We see the movement of soldiers' feet. From the background the second insert moves up to CAMERA... The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert comes from the background. The headline reads: "AMNESIA HASTENS PREPARATIONS!" Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons moving along. This is replaced by the the insert coming from the background. The headlines read - "FREEDONIA'S LEADER MAINTAINS ATTITUDE OF DIGNIFIED SILENCE!" Bombing planes move through this insert. The front page of the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until we come to the classified ad section of the paper. We see the following advertisement: WANTED: - A female spy. Must be young and attractive Apply to Office of Secretary of War. Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad -- WANTED: -- A Chauffeur Below the war nurse ad we see part of another ad in which a cook is wanted. DISSOLVE TO A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously those of very pretty girls. The CAMERA moves upward disclosing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row in the ante-room of the Secretary of War's office. On the door leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the lettering: PRIVATE. The CAMERA discloses only four or five of these girls, but we know there are more in the room. Bob appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and addresses the first girl - nearest the door. BOB The Secretary of War will see you next, Miss. This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form. She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's office. Bob closes the door behind her. The CAMERA now moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl. On the other side of him are more girls. A girl to the right of him turns to the girl beside her. GIRL (To the girl at her right) Did you hear the one about the woman taking a bath?... Well, she forgot to lock the door... A man came in and said, "I'm a doctor"... The woman said, "I'm not sick"... and the man said, "that's all right. I'm not a doctor." All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark. Harpo is laughing also. He slaps the story-teller on the leg. Her laughter ceases instantly. She slaps him back, and gets another slap on the leg in return. A little squeal of pain from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her leg just above the knee. GIRL (To Harpo) Look! Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his leg for her to look. On his leg is tattooed a picture of two hearts entwined with an arrow running through both. She gives Harpo dirty look and rises CUT TO Private office of Secretary of War. The office is cluttered with war implements, maps, etc. The examination of the girl is in progress. She is turning around in the manner of a clothes model. Chico is looking her over. CHICO (To girl) You look pretty good to me - but very still need a spy - Have you got any credentials? The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees revealing an attractive leg. She reaches into her stocking for a paper. CHICO (Taking a very good look) You got credentials all right. The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico. Chico looks at the paper CHICO This is fine. Put it back. Hands the girl the paper. She lifts her dress above her knees again and puts the paper back in her stocking, while Chico looks on. She drops her skirt. CHICO I think I better take another look at that paper... She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico steals another glance. The girl drops her skirt and hands him the paper. CHICO (Looking at the paper) I look this over later -- now I look you over. If you want to be a spy, you gotta be in good condition. I better examine you. He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to her heart and listens. CHICO (Listening to girl's heart beat) There's something wrong -- I think I'm getting Whiteman's band. Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch from vest pocket. He feels her pulse while looking at the watch. CHICO According to my watch it's four o'clock. (Puts watch back in his pocket) Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta make love to men. Come on -- let's see you make love... She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair, puts both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very amorous, bends him over and kisses him madly. She lets go after a little while and Chico comes up for air. He staggers around in a daze. Then he takes the watch from his vest pocket, hands it to her, extends his wrist and says: CHICO Now you feel my pulse. Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of confusion. The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two of them are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above their knees. There is a little white mouse running about the room. Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench. The girl just interviewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse, screams and joins in the general confusion. Groucho enters as the girls are running about - zig-zags among them and continues through the room into the private office of Chico - closing door behind him. The girls clear out of anteroom and Harpo is left all alone. He takes a small mouse trap from his large pocketbook, puts it on the floor, crouches down and whistles to the mouse in the manner of a man trying to call a dog. The mouse in answer to the whistle runs into the trap. CUT TO The Secretary of War's office. Chico at the phone. CHICO (To phone) Send in the next girl. (He hangs receiver up) GROUCHO By the way, are you sure we need a spy? CHICO Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no got a spy who's gonna tell the other side what we're doing? At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door, carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the size of a carpetbag. He walks past Groucho in a seductive manner, swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously. Groucho is delighted with this action and returns the ogling. CHICO (To Harpo) Have you got any credentials? Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his leg of the two hearts. Groucho examines it closely. GROUCHO I don't go in much for modern art. Have you got anything by one of the old masters? Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a picture of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy". Chico and Groucho arise from the examination. GROUCHO I'm glad I didn't ask you for "Washington Crossing the Delaware". CHICO (To Harpo) We've gotta have somebody who knows how to get secrets from men. You know how to make love? Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him and starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very hard. In the midst of this there is a loud report. A startled look from Groucho and Chico. We see that Harpo is minus one breast. He tries to affect an innocent look when suddenly there is a second loud report and his breasts are now as flat as a billiard table. Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho, a hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his bustle and the bustle is becoming deflated.) GROUCHO (To Harpo) You ought to carry a spare. Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back to CAMERA. He takes a tube out of his dress front and begins to blow. Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled look as they watch him - the bustle starts to expand. This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as they look on. GROUCHO (Looking at Harpo) We're certainly living in a marvelous age. There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's clothes are blown off him - leaving him in nothing but running pants and ladies' silk stockings. His body is literally covered with tattoos. CHICO (Laughing) That's very funny... he certainly fooled me. He'll make a good spy. Winks significantly at Harpo. Harpo returns the wink. GROUCHO (Examining tattoos) If we can't use him as a spy, we can have him framed. He and Chico continue further examination of the tattooed designs on Harpo's body. CHICO Say, that's a nice collection. You oughta have a catalogue. Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his trunks and hands it to Chico. Groucho and Chico look at the catalogue. GROUCHO Let's take a look at number eighteen. Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb tattooed job of a beautiful girl's head. CHICO (Referring to picture of girl) Say, she's all right. You got-a her phone number? Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number tattooed right under the arm pit. He holds this a moment, then turns and discloses a portion of the tattooing on his chest. Groucho and Chico's eyes shift from the telephone number to the tattooed picture on his chest. Harpo completes move and discloses the entire picture. It is a country back-house with a crescent over the door. Chico laughs uproariously. CHICO (Laughing) That's a funny one! He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly. TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST. The door in the outhouse flies open. The head of a real man appears in the opening. He looks off in the direction of Chico and mumbles incoherencies under his breath. He is terribly angry at being interrupted. He draws in his head, closing the door behind him. CHICO (To Harpo) I think we can use you. Here's a spy glass... go ahead and do some spying... Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward the window. As he looks across street through binoculars, he is grinning all over and wiggling around like a happy kid. ROOM ACROSS THE STREET Looking into the open window of a bedroom as Harpo would see it through the binoculars. A beautiful girl is undressing, preparing to retire. After a moment of this shot CUT BACK to Harpo looking through the binoculars. Chico takes the binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the scene, proceeds to look himself. He registers the same satisfaction as Harpo and hands the binoculars to Groucho. As Groucho looks through the binoculars at the beautiful girl, Chico says: CHICO He's going to make a good spy... that's not bad for the first day. GROUCHO (Turning and looking at Chico) That's not bad for any day. Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars at the beautiful girl. This time he sees Harpo chasing the girl around the roam. This is shot through the binoculars as before. Groucho registers amazement as he looks through binoculars; perhaps squints his eyes once or twice and takes second look. GROUCHO (To Chico) Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a look. Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room across the street. Binocular shot as before. The girl is in her underwear, tearing out of the room into the hall, pursued by Harpo. Chico is still looking through the binoculars. GROUCHO You're right about that guy -- I think we've got something. CHICO I don't know about us, but I know he's-a got something... CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the beautiful girl. She comes dashing madly out of the door and starts down the street, clad only in her underwear. Harpo appears in doorway, riding his motorcycle and starts down the street after her. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "D" SEQUENCE "E" FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home... It is a smartly appointed room. Its main feature for our purposes is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above. In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by fireplace while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up and down... TRENTINO This is all Firefly's fault -- that idiot, that fool... VERA I thought everything was working out fine. TRENTINO Fine nothing! I didn't want war... My plan was to marry Mrs. Teasdale and overthrow Firefly. VERA Maybe you can still win the old dame over -- why not try to -- At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming downstairs and hushes Vera with a nudge. MRS. TEASDALE (As she descends stairs) I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting... Trentino walks over to meet her. TRENTINO (Taking her hand) Mrs. Teasdale... (Kisses her hand) I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with his Excellency, but his attitude left me no alternative... MRS. TEASDALE (Emotionally) To think that this should happen after all these years of friendship. VERA Maybe the war can still be averted... MRS. TEASDALE (Hopefully) Oh, if only it could... TRENTINO Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket my pride and do anything I can to make up with his Excellency. MRS. TEASDALE (Solicitously) Oh, would you...? TRENTINO For you, I would do anything... (Bowing graciously) VERA If only we can get his Excellency to listen to reason... TRENTINO (To Mrs. Teasdale) Perhaps he will listen to you... MRS. TEASDALE Perhaps... I'll call him... She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number there is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging significant looks... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone... MRS. TEASDALE (Talking into phone) Hello, your Excellency?... I hate to disturb you -- I know you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once. CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone... He is lying in bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers... the bed is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers... GROUCHO (Into phone) Why not come over here? -- You can come in the back way and no one'll see you... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. MRS. TEASDALE (Into phone) But your Excellency, you must -- oh thank you -- please hurry... (She hangs up phone... and walks over to her guests) He'll be right over... CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room), disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino. GROUCHO (Hanging on to pole -- addressing Trentino) If I knew you were here I would've brought some cheese... He shoots right up the pole again out of sight. Hold CAMERA on this shot for an instant... Groucho comes sliding down again... this time he is fully dressed, including his high hat and the cigar in s mouth... He walks over to Trentino belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on the way. GROUCHO (To Trentino) So -- you've come to ask for clemency! I'll give the enemy no quarter -- not a dime... MRS. TEASDALE But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador is here on a friendly visit... He came to ask you to patch up the breach. GROUCHO Let him patch up his own breeches... TRENTINO (To Groucho -- ignoring Groucho's remark) I'm sorry we lost our tempers... I'm willing to forget if you are. GROUCHO Forget? (Like an injured woman) You ask me to forget... Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves... and I'd only have to bury them again... A Firefly never forgets... TRENTINO I am willing to apologize... I'm willing to do anything to prevent this war. GROUCHO Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease on the battlefield. I'd lose my deposit, besides, I've already ordered the ammunition... VERA (Putting her arms around Groucho) Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do? GROUCHO Yes, but I'll talk to you about that when we're alone... MRS. TEASDALE (Coming to Groucho) Oh, won't you reconsider... GROUCHO (Relenting) Well, maybe I am a little headstrong... But, you know, it's awfully hard to forget what he called me. (Indicating Trentino) TRENTINO What I called you... Why, what did I call you? GROUCHO I don't remember. TRENTINO (With a little chuckle) Oh -- you mean... worm? GROUCHO (Smiling coyly) No, that wasn't it... TRENTINO Was it -- swine? GROUCHO (Same attitude as above) No... it was a seven letter word. TRENTINO (Thinking, then with a broad smile) Oh yes! -- UPSTART! GROUCHO That's it... Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and socks him across the face... and puts them in his own breast pocket. Trentino becomes apoplectic TRENTINO (Spluttering and stuttering) Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is an outrage! This man is impossible... My course is clear... this means war... (Turns to go and turns and yells to Groucho) You RUNT! GROUCHO I still like UPSTART the best. Trentino exits in a rage. Vera pretends that she is overcome by the scene VERA (Putting her hand to her brow) Oh, this is dreadful! If you'll excuse me I'll go to my room... She exits toward stairway MRS. TEASDALE (Excited - almost hysterical) Yes, it's awful! (To Groucho) Are you sure you did the right thing? GROUCHO Of course. Who ever heard of calling off a war after ordering all the ammunition? By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited from scene. Groucho looks around the room furtively to make sure he is not being observed and takes a large envelope from his inside pocket. GROUCHO The plans of war are in this envelope. I want you to take care of them -- no one will ever suspect you. He hands papers to her CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the scene below. Having heard the conversation, she exits from scene, and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. GROUCHO Guard them with your life... don't leave them out of your sight... If the enemy gets those papers we're lost. If they don't get them, we're lost. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you... Mrs. Teasdale, you're the salt of the earth. They don't come any better than you... MRS. TEASDALE (Modestly, with a bashful lowering of her eyes) Now -- er -- GROUCHO Well -- they might come better but they don't come any bigger... and the bigger the better. The bigger the betta you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking about horses, why don't you marry me. Come, come -- say yes and you'll never see me again. I'll go 'way if it means your happiness... MRS. TEASDALE Oh, your Excellency, you take me off my feet. Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuccessfully to lift her off her feet. GROUCHO (Angrily) Swell chance I've got taking you off your feet... Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesitation, Groucho slides into her lap and continues his passionate love making. GROUCHO Gloria -- may I call you Gloria? MRS. TEASDALE Why -- why -- of course. GROUCHO You can call me Gloria too. Gloria -- what a beautiful name. When I was born my mother named me Gloria -- two minutes later she found out her mistake... CUT TO door as Bob enters. He moves in the direction of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. BOB (Coming into scene) Father... GROUCHO (Looks up and sees Bob... without being a bit disturbed... remains on her lap) Take a letter... Bob takes out pad and pencil. BOB Who to? GROUCHO None of your business... Take another letter. Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in the manner of a studious business man with his hands behind his back... then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad. GROUCHO Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight -- (Turns to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, I could go for you in a big way -- (turns to Bob) However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty -- (Then to Mrs. Teasdale) -- and I don't say that to everybody -- (Now to Bob) Have not received last month's drawing account. How come? (To Mrs. Teasdale) Your neck is like a swan... Yours very truly. Now read it back. (Dashes back to Mrs. Teasdale's lap) BOB (Reading from pad) Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen. Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight. Gloria, I could go for you in a big way. However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty and I don't say that to everybody. Have not received last month's drawing account; how come your neck is like a swan. Yours very truly... GROUCHO (Rising to his feet) They'll know I mean business then they get that letter... see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too. BOB Yes, sir. (Exits from scene) GROUCHO (Turning to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd be crazy to stay here. MRS. TEASDALE Well, if you must go -- She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him. He removes a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her. He is about to put the hat on his head when something in the hat attracts his attention. He empties six baby rabbits out of the hat onto the table; puts his hat on and exits. CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up to the curb in his motorcycle and sidecar. Groucho comes out of house and walks directly to motorcycle. GROUCHO (To Harpo) I'm not taking any more chances. You sit in the sidecar... Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar. Groucho sits on driver's seat. The sound of the motor is heard and Harpo drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the motorcycle. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "E" SEQUENCE "F" FADE INTO Insert of program GEMS FROM THE OPERAS PREMIER DANSEUSE VERA TRENTINO DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company singing aria from some well-known opera. CUT TO orchestra box nearest proscenium arch. Harpo and Chico are there fast asleep leaning on each other. They are dressed in Inverness capes - wearing their high hats. Chico has a red band across his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in gold letters. An usher enters box with two people in the background. USHER (To Chico and Harpo) I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have the wrong seats. CHICO (Awakening) That's all right. We're not enjoying ourselves anyway. USHER You belong in that box over there - (Pointing to vacant box on opposite side of house - orchestra box) CHICO (To Harpo) Come on -- They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll casually across as singing is going on. Part of the way across, Harpo and Chico react to the singing of a very high note -- it's practically in Harpo's ear. He stops -- makes a terrible face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and he and Chico continue toward the box -- CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are headed for. Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in... Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box. Chico steps into box from stage. Harpo is about to follow when he spies a pretty girl in box above. He starts climbing up the proscenium arch to upper box -- the girl sees him, screams and dashes out of box. Harpo completes climb into box -- at this point the singing has just finished and applause breaks out. Harpo acknowledges the applause as if it was in appreciation of his climb -- after a few quick bows he starts out of the box after the girl. As he is running out of box into the foyer he bumps into Ambassador Trentino. TRENTINO (Stopping him) Wait a minute... Mrs. Teasdale is in the box below. The plans of war are in her purse -- you've got to get them -- I don't care how, but get them -- and when you do, bring them to 492 North Myrtle Road -- you'd better write that down. Harpo takes out a pencil with heavy lead and writes the address on the white and purple-edged silk band which is across Trentino's shirt bosom. Then he pushes Trentino's coat aside and from under his vest pulls the ribbon in the manner of a ticker tape -- tears it off -- and starts back to box. CUT TO LOWER BOX MRS. TEASDALE I wonder what's keeping His Excellency? CHICO Never mind His Excellency -- you gotta your pocketbook? MRS. TEASDALE Yes -- why? CHICO I wanna powder my nose... Mrs. Teasdale laughs good-naturedly and puts the purse behind her between her back and the back of the chair... as we go to stage where the shooting of the apple in "William Tell" is being enacted. William Tell is just placing the apple on his son's head -- he turns his back on his son and walks toward opposite side of stage with bow and arrow. CUT TO UPPER BOX Harpo takes a look at apple on the boy's head -- reaches down in box and comes up with a bow and arrow. He takes a good aim and lets the arrow fly... It hits its mark and the apple falls to the ground. William Tell, having arrived at spot from which he's going to shoot, turns to take aim and sees that the apple is gone. He picks up another, at the base of an apple tree and starts in direction of his son. CUT TO Harpo, who is watching William Tell. He reaches down into box and brings up another arrow -- takes aim and lets arrow fly. Again it hits its mark and the apple falls to ground. William Tell, reaching his place, turns to take aim and is bewildered at the sight of the second missing apple. The tree is bare and there are no more apples around. A whistle is heard coming over scene. William Tell turns in direction of the whistle and we CUT TO Harpo whistling with his fingers in his mouth. Reaching down into the box, he brings up a bag of apples and dumps all the apples onto the stage. CUT TO: Lower box. MRS. TEASDALE (Anxiously) If his Excellency doesn't get here soon, he'll miss the whole performance. CHICO He's-a not missing anything. He's in the dressing room with Vera Trentino. (Winks at her) MRS. TEASDALE (Jealously) In her dressing room? Why, what could he be doing there? CHICO He could be playing solitaire, but I don't think so. She jumps as if she's been goosed, and gives Chico an indignant look as he withdraws his hand from her back. MRS. TEASDALE What's the matter with you? CHICO What's the matter with you? MRS. TEASDALE You haven't been still a moment since you've been here. You act as if you had neurosis -- CHICO I no gotta new-rosis. My uncle he's- a got a flower shop -- he's-a gotta new-rosis. Mrs. Teasdale looks at him disdainfully, turns to look at stage, and jumps again. She and Chico turn to look at each other. She, of course, is indignant, while Chico smiles -- his hand is coming from behind her. She takes the purse from its hiding place and places it on the ledge of the box out of Chico's reach. CUT TO: Ballet dancers' dressing room. The CAMERA PANS along, showing several of the ballet dancers limbered up by other dancers. This is done as follows: - a girl stands against the wall on one leg while another girl raises the other leg up and down. The CAMERA passes three or four of the girls and comes to a stop on Vera and Groucho -- the latter is stretching her leg in the same manner. VERA (With exaggerated romance) I shall dance for you tonight as I've never danced before. GROUCHO This is a fine thing to be doing at my age. VERA Are you getting tired? GROUCHO (Still working leg) Not at all. When I was a boy back on the farm I used to pump my own water. CUT TO shot taking in the stage and Harpo. Harpo is in the foreground. On the stage is our hero and his valet. VALET (Singing to hero) Your love is waiting for you, my lord... HERO Fetch my hat - my hat - my hat -- Harpo tosses him a large hat - possibly a fireman's hat. HERO (Continuing singing) Fetch my boots -- (Harpo throws boots on stage Hero continues) Bring me my sword -- (Harpo throws a sword on stage --) Hero continues his song while Harpo litters the stage with various articles - a saddle - a chair, etc... CUT TO box below - Chico is trying to reach for pocketbook on ledge but can't get it. He whistles up to Harpo. Harpo looks down and Chico pantomimes to him to get the pocketbook, pointing to it. The singing stops and aplause follows -- the orchestra starts a selection -- which continues through following routine without any singing. CUT TO box above. Harpo takes out a fishing pole with a reel on it -- he unwinds reel and the line descends near box below and lands in a man's hair -- the man occupies an aisle seat in the orchestra -- near Teasdale box. CUT TO Harpo reeling in. CUT TO man on aisle seat -- The hook has caught onto his toupe and its being pulled off his head. CUT TO Harpo reeling in with great satisfaction in the belief that he has the purse -- on the end of the line comes the toupe. Harpo, astonished, looks down on the victim who, minus the toupe, now displays a shiny bald pate. Harpo takes out his fountain pen and releases gadget. The ink pours down on the bald spot of the man below and spreads into the form of a toupe parted in the middle. CUT BACK to Harpo - he places the toupe on the bare back side of a figure of Cupid carved on the arch. He is now suddenly attracted by something on the stage -- it is a pool with a practical fountain in its center. Harpo digs into a decorative flower box set in a groove in the proscenium arch. He brings out a real live worm and baits his hook -- stands up and casts... the line swishes through the air and the hook lands in the pool on the stage. The line instantly tightens and a large carp fish is yanked out of the pool... as the line is drawn in the fish nearly hits Mrs. Teasdale. She covers her face with her hands. Chico takes advantage of her action, grabs the line, removes the fish, and puts hook on handle of purse... then signals Harpo with a whistle and in the manner of a construction foreman, motions to him to start "hoisting". The line becomes taut and the purse is yanked out of view. Mrs. Teasdale uncovers her face and discovers that the purse is missing. MRS. TEASDALE (Hysterically) My purse -- my purse is gone! There is a buzz of excitement among the rest of the guests as they help Mrs. Teasdale look for the purse. Chico joins in the search. He grabs an elderly dignified man in the party, throws back his coat and starts to frisk him. CHICO He no got it --- As he turns to frisk another man, Mrs. Teasdale says MRS. TEASDALE This is dreadful -- I must see His Excellency at once --- (She exits from box) CUT TO ballet dancers' dressing room, where we find Groucho still pumping away on Vera Trentino's leg --- VERA Are you sure you're not tired? GROUCHO Tired! I'd like to stretch this into a week - Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene. The sight shocks her but she recovers herself sufficiently to hide the embarrassment. MRS. TEASDALE I hope I'm not interrupting. GROUCHO (Still pumping - looks over his shoulder at Mrs. Teasdale) Take a seat -- you're next. (He lets go of Vera's leg - and she exits) MRS. TEASDALE Your Excellency, something terrible has just happened. GROUCHO That's all right. I'll fix you right up. Grabs her ankle and starts to lift her leg - she gets away from him. MRS. TEASDALE My purse has been stolen -- the plans of war are in it. GROUCHO (Shouts) WHAT ? Walks up and down puffing furiously on his cigar MRS. TEASDALE I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect the Secretary of War. GROUCHO (Still pacing wildly) Don't bother me - I'm thinking -- What was that? MRS. TEASDALE I said - I suspect the Secretary of War. GROUCHO (Stopping dead in his tracks) THIS IS TREASON!! (Strikes a pose - raising his clenched hands; then to Mrs. Teasdale scornfully) What a fool I was to listen to your siren song and fall a helpless victim under the insidious spell of your irresistible charms -- MRS. TEASDALE But - GROUCHO (Paying no attention) You satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered, dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm of chaos and oblivion -- (Throws her an arch look) Not bad, eh? Starts for door CUT TO - Stage showing about eight bars of Vera Trentino's solo dance. PAN to lower box - Mrs. Teasdale's guests are gone but Chico and Harpo are there -- Chico is examining plans of war. CHICO This is-a fine - you do a good job - you make-a no trouble and you waste- a no time. Come on, we take-a the plans to the Ambassador. You gotta the address? Harpo opens coat and across his shirt front is the ribbon with "462 North Myrtle Road" on it -- the door of the box flies open and Groucho bounds in GROUCHO Hands up! Harpo and Chico throw their hands up and wheel around CHICO (Smiling) You no gotta no gun. GROUCHO Who said I had a gun... Gimme those plans, you paper snatchers -- He makes a grab at Chico -- Chico passes the plans to Harpo - Groucho goes after Harpo - the latter leans away over ledge of box and holds the plans out over the stage. As Groucho is trying to reach for the plans, Vera dances into scene, makes a graceful pirouette and with her outstretched hands takes the plans from Harpo. As she dances away she deposits the plans in her bodice... Vera's male dancing partner enters from the wings, walks out about four feet - stops and strikes a pose with uplifted hand. Vera is dancing on the opposite side with her back turned. CUT TO Groucho back stage - he sees the dancing partner - pulls a lever on switchboard marked "TRAP DOOR" - CUT TO stage as the dancer disappears through floor. CUT TO shot of Vera - preparing to turn to join her partner - she reacts as she sees -- CUT TO Groucho standing on her partner's former spot holding the same pose ... CUT TO full stage shot. Groucho and Vera are dancing together. During the dance Groucho tries to get the paper. He bends her way over in an effort to make the paper drop out of her bodice. Harpo and Chico, watching the struggle, quickly tear off their capes and coats and leap from the box on to stage in their shirts. This develops into a four-cornered adagio dance. She hands the papers to Harpo over Groucho's shoulder as she dances with him... Groucho rushes to Harpo and they do a twirl together. Harpo hands the paper to Chico over Groucho's shoulder. Groucho rushes at Chico and twirls with him - Chico in trying to pass the papers to Vera drops them on the floor. They all make a dive for them. Groucho gets the papers and dashes with them to the lower box just as Mrs. Teasdale enters same. The following is a close shot of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. The latter standing on stage right by the box. GROUCHO (Handing paper to Mrs. Teasdale) Here -- put these plans where no one will ever find them - sleep on them. CUT TO - Dressing room just a Vera, Chico and Harpo enter. VERA (Apologetically) I'm sorry boys -- I did my best -- it's all my fault. CHICO It's not-a your fault. It's-a his fault -- (Indicating Harpo; then to Harpo accusingly) I fix it for you to getta the plans -- you getta the plans -- then you losa- a the plans -- now we no gotta the plans of war... Harpo lifts up his shirt and tattooed upon him is the reproduction of the war plans... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "F" SEQUENCE "G" FADE IN - Mrs. Teasdale's living room. Night. Subdued light. We begin with an EXTREME CLOSE CLOSE SHOT of a hand depositing the plans of war in a vault. This vault is about the height of a man, the door flush with wall. The CAMERA TRUCKS back and discloses that the one depositing the papers is Mrs. Teasdale -- she is in negligee. She closes the vault door, pulls a cord, closing a pair of drapes which hide the vault. The CAMERA PANS to the balcony above where Vera Trentino, also in negligee, is watching the action in the living room below. She tiptoes quietly from the scene. Downstairs, Mrs. Teasdale turns out the center table light and moves toward the stairway. CUT TO Vera Trentino's bedroom. Vera comes toward window, raises it quietly and waves a handkerchief, evidently signalling somebody below. CUT TO EXTERIOR of house. Chico and Harpo are waving back to signify that they have caught the signal. The boys try to raise the window which is located next to the main entrance, but it is locked and they can't budge it. CHICO (Peeved) It's all your fault. Now we gotta steal the plans again -- You had 'em on you... you take a bath... and now we no gotta plans of war. They try the window again and find it hopeless CHICO (To Harpo) You wait here -- I'll let you in. Chico walks right in through the door, closes it behind him and then appears at the window. He raises it from the inside and Harpo climbs in through the window and joins Chico. CUT TO INSIDE. They are walking cautiously across the room when they hear the following coming over scene -- "Psst... Psst..." They stop and look around, trying to locate the source of the sound. We CUT TO the balcony and see Vera Trentino, still dressed in her negligee. Once more she tries to attract them. VERA Psst... The boys look up and see her. VERA (In a half whisper - mysteriously) In the safe -- behind the drapes -- (Pointing in the direction of the safe) CHICO (Also in a half whisper) All right -- I'll meet you behind the drapes. VERA (In a half whisper) No, no -- I mean the plans are in the safe. (Pointing to safe again) Harpo hasn't taken his eyes off of Vera during all this, makes a sudden dash for her, as she turns to her room. Chico stops him on the second or third step of the stairs. CHICO Come on, we gotta no time for that. Chico goes over to the safe and draws the curtains, disclosing safe. Harpo follows and takes from his back pocket a rather large electrical drill with a cord and plug attached to it. Chico takes the cord and plugs it into the wall socket. Harpo starts to drill the safe door, making a terrific noise -- the usual reaping whir-r-r of an electric drill. Chico grabs his hand and stops him from drilling. CHICO Wait a minute... we make too much noise... Turn on the radio so they can't hear what we're doing. Harpo goes over to radio and turns it on... a dance tune comes over the air. Harpo grabs Chico and whirls him around as if he were dancing with a dame... CHICO (Jerking himself away from Harpo) What's-a matter, you crazy... ? Chico goes to radio and adjusts dial to another station... the following comes over the air... RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER Calling car 125... car 125... go to vacant lot at Tenth and Elm... a woman walking around in her nightgown --- Harpo drops the drill and makes a wild dash for door obviously to go to the woman... Chico stops him. CHICO Come on, we gotta finish the job... RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER Calling car 67-W... car 67-W... go to Mrs. Teasdale's residence... burglars are attempting to break in. Chico rushes to phone... and dials... This shot excludes Harpo. CHICO (Into phone -- after slight pause) Hello -- Police department... ? That fellow's crazy... we're in the house already... Chico turns to listen to the next announcement - hanging onto receiver. RADIO ANNOUNCER The Teasdale residence is located at 232 Poloma Drive... CHICO (Into phone) You'll never find us, you gotta the wrong address... we're at 235 Poloma Drive... not 232... Look, it's a white house with a shingle roof -- shingle -- shingle -- (and sings to illustrate) Shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle all the way... (Stops singing) That's it, you got it... Hurry up, if no get-a here soon, we can't wait... Hangs up... looks around for Harpo, who is not there... CHICO Hey, Skippy... (Puts his fingers to mouth and whistles.) CUT TO Vera's bedroom. It is a CLOSE SHOT showing Vera in bed, shot from side of bed. She is under the bedcovers desperately trying to keep them from being pulled off her... TRUCK back disclosing Harpo on the other end of the bedcovers, trying to pull them off her... for a moment following, a tug of war goes on, Harpo pulling the covers about a foot his way and Vera pulling them back... The sound of Chico's second whistle coming over scene attracts Harpo, who lets go of the covers and runs out of the room. We pick him up outside of the room on balcony. Without hesitation he slides down the bannisters to join Chico who is waiting at foot of stairs. CHICO (Exasperated) Hey, you never get the safe open that way. (Looking up at Vera's room) We gotta try the combination... You gotta the combination? Harpo nods and takes from under his coat a woman's silk combination... winks and looks back in the direction of Vera's room... Chico snatches it out of his hand and throws it away. During above Mrs. Teasdale has come out on balcony, sees the boys but can't distinguish them in the room which is practically in darkness except for a few splotches of moonlight. She runs back into her room... CUT TO Mrs. Teasdale's room... she is at telephone dialing a number... MRS. TEASDALE (After a slight nervous pause) Hello? Your Excellency? There are burglars in the house... I want you to come right over. CUT TO Groucho's bedroom. He is at the other end of the phone in bed. GROUCHO (Into phone) You come over here. There are no burglars in my house. CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. MRS. TEASDALE (Into phone) But Your Excellency, you must -- I tell you there are burglars here... Oh, thank you... Please hurry... CUT TO Chico and Harpo in living room below at safe. Harpo has just finished putting a stick of dynamite in the door of safe... CHICO Light it... Now we blow him up... Harpo strikes a match, but Chico stops him from lighting it. CHICO Wait a minute... we gotta fix it so it don't make-a so much noise... What-a we do? Harpo takes out a large wad of cotton, tears it, hands two pieces to Chico... they both stuff their ears with large pieces. CHICO That's fine... Now, nobody hear the noise. Harpo lights fuse... each stands on either side of safe door waiting for the explosion... after a slight pause, there is a terrific blast of sound... and the screen is masked with smoke. The smoke clears away and the safe door falls to the floor. Groucho walks out of the safe putting the plans of war in his inside pocket... After a few steps he stops and addresses the boys... GROUCHO That woman is crazy... there are no burglars around here... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "G" SEQUENCE "H" FADE IN - to insert of newspaper which comes from background to CAMERA. A screaming headline reads: WAR DECLARED!! This insert goes past the CAMERA as another newspaper comes from the background. The headline reads: - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" DISSOLVE to Groucho's office. Groucho is standing in front of his desk reading a newspaper, which is spread over his desk. The headline is the same as in the second insert - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" Harpo is standing at the other side of the desk. GROUCHO (Pounding his desk) They're coming... (He recites the following command to Harpo) Ride through every village and town wake every citizen up hill and down tell them the enemy comes from afar with a hey-nonny-nonny and a ha-cha- char CAMERA TRUCKS back disclosing a real horse beside Harpo. GROUCHO There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land and one lamp if they're coming by sea. He and Harpo go to the window and look out. CUT TO SHOT of a steeple with three lighted lamps - CUT BACK to Groucho and Harpo GROUCHO They double-crossed me... they're coming by land and sea -- Be off, my lad! With a grand gesture, Groucho exits out of scene. Harpo grips pommel of the saddle with both hands and in his attempt to make a flying mount, vaults clear over the horse landing on the other side. He lets down a rope ladder from under the saddle, climbs the ladder, mounts the horse and starts off. DISSOLVE to CLOSE UP of Harpo riding at breakneck speed. As he looks grimly ahead he reaches down out of scene and brings up a three-cornered colonial hat and puts it on his head. DISSOLVE to a Moving Insert - Harpo bringing the horse to a stop in front of a farm house. He blows a blast on a regular army bugle... immediately a few old men rush out of the house in their nightgowns, carrying guns, and into the scene from all directions rush other men, answering the call, similarly attired. Harpo starts his horse and we DISSOLVE to him pulling up to another farm house. This house has a single door on the extreme end of it and a very large French window covering almost the rest of the house. Harpo stops and sounds the bugle call. This time there is no answer to his call. He waits a second, then turns his horse in the direction of the house and rides through the single door. After a short pause, the doors of the French window fly open and the horse runs out pulling a double bed which is on wheels. Harpo is standing at the foot of the bed, braced against the bedpost, holding the reins. There is an old couple, man and woman, fast asleep in the bed - (This couple might be the blase gentleman and young wife used by Peter Arno in his cartoons.) After riding a few feet Harpo leaps from the bed onto the horse's back and rides off leaving the bed and its occupants on the road. DISSOLVE to Harpo pulling up to another farm house. He stops, sounds his bugle. A very pretty young girl, in her night clothes pokes her head out of the second story window. Harpo takes a good look at her, leaps off his horse and dashes into the house. A moment later he comes out of the house with a feed bag and puts it on the horse's head.... then he dashes back into the house again. Almost instantly he comes tearing out of the house, followed by an old geezer in his nightgown, who is chasing him, with rifle in hand... He fires a few shots - DISSOLVE: END OF SEQUENCE "H" SEQUENCE "J" DISSOLVE through the shooting of previous scene to STOCK SHOT of artillery fire on battle field - a profile SHOT with all the activity of an actual battle, but without an indication of falling men. DISSOLVE from this to interior of Groucho's headquarters behind the front - a wooden shack. The sound of a distant booming of guns is heard over this scene. On the wall is a large war map with colored thumb tacks indicating the positions of Groucho's men and the enemy. Groucho, in the uniform of a Confederate General, (a Robert E. Lee make-up), is studying the war map with a few of his Generals. GROUCHO (Looking at a tack in a distant sector) Either there's a fly in the room or we've got a soldier in Africa. The door flies open and Bob, in a snappy uniform, enters excitedly and breathlessly. He faces Groucho with a quick salute and a click of the heels. BOB (Taking a dispatch from under his belt) A dispatch from the front, sir. Groucho snatches the dispatch from Bob's hand, tears it open -- reads it quickly -- claps his hand to his brow and staggers. The generals crowd about him. A GENERAL (Solicitously) Bad news, sir? GROUCHO Bad news -- its disastrous! A FEW GENERALS (Simultaneously) What is it? GROUCHO (Reading from dispatch) Private Moscowitz quits! (Groucho rushes to radio operator) GROUCHO Clear all wires... (The operator works key) GROUCHO The enemy has taken Hill 25, throwing twelve Hill-billies out of work... Our front is exposed to the enemy -- we'll have to bring up the rear... (Turning away, then turning back to Generals and continuing) P.S. Have misplaced flag of truce... look in upper lefthand drawer of my bureau... The whining of an approaching shell is heard and a shell about three feet long comes sailing through the open window, speeds through the room and tears through the opposite wall, leaving a clean-cut hole. Groucho rushes to window and closes it. CUT TO: SHOT of No Man's Land, with shells exploding in all directions. We see a head slowly appearing over the edge of shell-hole, looking through spy-glasses. It is Harpo... CUT TO: Inside of shell hole... Harpo registers that he has seen something of startling interest. He drops the glasses, scrambles out of shell-hole and runs out of scene. He rushes to his waiting motorcycle (without the side-car). The staff with the flag flying from it is attached to the handle-bars. He leaps onto the motorcycle seat and starts off. CUT TO: A war nurse, attracted by the roar of the motorcycle. She looks back, sees Harpo approaching and breaks into a run. As he closes in on her, she jumps into a trench to escape him. Harpo rides on a little further to the entrance of the trench and turns in, to continue his pursuit. A TRUCKING SHOT shows only the flag and staff, tearing along above the surface, with the accompanying roar of the motorcycle which is hidden from view. As it speeds along, soldiers are leaping up out of the trenches on every side to avoid being run down. This continues doing a zig-zag with abrupt turns... CUT BACK TO: Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is discovered there alone, stropping his sword on a razor strap attached to his desk. Chico enters... goes to time-clock on wall, puts his workman's card in it and punches it. Groucho, attracted by the bell of the time-clock, stops stropping and walks over to Chico, with sword in hand. GROUCHO Late again, eh? You haven't been on time once since this war started... (Puts sword in sheath) Get out there and fight... (Pointing commandingly in direction of battle field) CHICO I can't do it... GROUCHO (Surprised) Why not? You're the Secretary of War, aren't you? CHICO Yes, but I'm not working for you any more. I'm on the other side. GROUCHO (Like a surprised child) Is that so? I used to think you were two-faced - but you can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. Now - let's talk this thing over. Groucho sits down at desk and Chico pulls up another chair and sits at opposite side of desk facing Groucho GROUCHO (Blowing out a puff of smoke) Now -- how many men you got in your army? CHICO Well, we gotta one hundred thousand men. GROUCHO That's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand. CHICO That's all right. We let you have twenty-five thousand men -- and we both start even. GROUCHO (Enthusiastically) That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty. CHICO No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five. GROUCHO Well, we'll let that one go. Now -- how many battalions you got? CHICO We gotta two battalions and one Frenchman. GROUCHO I wish you were still working for me, so I could ask you to resign. How're ya fixed for cavalry? CHICO I've gotta five thousand men but no horses. GROUCHO That's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men. CHICO That's all right -- our men can ride your horses. GROUCHO Not a bad idea. If our horses get tired they can ride your men for a change. (Chico nods agreeingly) Now, I don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must promise to put them through their maneuvers. CHICO Oh, sure. We have horse maneuvers every morning. At this point, an unusually large shell comes crashing from above, imbedding itself, point down, in the floor without exploding. Groucho and Chico rush over to look at it. GROUCHO (Looking at shell) Acme Ammunition Company, eh? How do you expect to win the war with shells that don't go off? Now, if you were buying your stuff from me, you wouldn't have that trouble. Eureka Ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- or your money back. Let me show you some samples. Groucho opens door and yells to some one outside GROUCHO Bring in No. 47, line 8. Harpo enters, bent forward, tugging at a rope which tightens over his shoulder, in the manner of a Volga Boatman... at the end of the rope is a cannon, on two wheels GROUCHO (Pointing to gun) That's our latest number... our sixteen-inch Horowitz gun. (To Harpo) Load it up. Harpo pours a great quantity of powder into the cannon, then to make sure he has enough, he lights a match and looks into the hole. Groucho takes the lighted match from Harpo. He lights his own cigar, hands the match back to Harpo. Harpo pours in a little more powder, makes sure he has enough, then proceeds to ram the powder in the barrel with his horn. He rises and moves to wall toward which the cannon is pointed. He draws a target on the wall with a piece of chalk -- goes back to cannon. He picks up the firing string, and faces the target toward which the cannon is pointing. Chico puts his fingers into his ears. Groucho picks up a pencil from desk - taps it on desk - then raises both hands, in the manner of an orchestra leader. He holds this pose for a second - and on the down beat, Harpo jerks the string and there is a terrific explosion. The cannon fires out the back end instead of the front and blows a hole through the back wall. The two stare off in the direction of the hole. Groucho turns to Chico. GROUCHO With a gun like that you can kill some of your own men. CHICO That's-a pretty good. I'll take a dozen of them. GROUCHO Anything else? (Writing order on pad) CHICO (Mentally figuring) Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen hand-grenades, three kegs of powder -- and throw in some matches. GROUCHO (Writing) Fine. We'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery. By the way, how're you fixed for spys? CHICO Fine. We gotta him. (He indicates Harpo) GROUCHO So! -- He's on your side, too. CHICO Sure. GROUCHO Well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door. Harpo opens the door and discloses a dozen or more snarling wolves at the door. CUT TO - INTERIOR enemy headquarters. The booming of distant guns comes over the scene. Trentino is there with a Sylvanian general. GENERAL Something must be done immediately. The soldiers are getting discouraged. TRENTINO There's only one thing to do... we must capture Firefly. GENERAL But how? It's a very dangerous undertaking. TRENTINO (Standing near widow) Ask for volunteers. Some one must make the sacrifice -- someone -- (Stops to gaze out of window attracted by off scene roar of motor) Here comes Chicolini. Maybe he'll do it. (Walks away from window) Unless we can make Firefly our prisoner, we're lost. Chico enters. Trentino rushes over to him TRENTINO Chicolini, you've come just in time. We need a man who's fearless, brave. A man who's willing to die, if necessary. CHICO All right -- I'll go out and find one. TRENTINO Firefly must be captured at any cost. CHICO That's easy, I'll get him for you wholesale. TRENTINO It must be done right away. CHICO I can't do it right away. GENERAL Why not? CHICO I got a date with a General's wife. GENERAL Isn't that a little dangerous? CHICO (To General) Not unless you find it out. CUT TO: Interior of Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is on his feet addressing five or six generals, who are seated. Zeppo is at the desk writing the minutes of the meeting. GROUCHO Boys, I hate to do this, but if you generals want this war to continue you'll have to take a cut -- Bursting of a shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, fires a shot from his revolver through the window, hurriedly shuts it, then rushes back to Generals GROUCHO We can't afford to pay the money we've been paying. Now I don't want to lay anybody off. My motto in this war is: - "Live and let live". The bursting of another shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, turns his back to window, takes out a pocket mirror, holds it up in front of him and shoots over his shoulder out of window, taking his aim from the reflection in the mirror, like a trick marksman. As Groucho walks away from window, he hears another explosion outside. He rushes back to the window, takes a package of small firecrackers out of his pocket, detaches one of the firecrackers, lights it from his cigar and throws it out of the window. A very small explosion is heard. Groucho hurriedly shuts the window and rushes back to the generals, as we - CUT TO: THE OUTSIDE - A LONG SHOT of a dirigible (miniature) -- then we go to a CLOSE UP of the dirigible. On the bag, in large letters, is printed -- SYLVANIA G-62 The CAMERA PANS DOWN to the cabin of the dirigible. Chico and Harpo are standing at the open door looking down. CHICO Look! That's-a Firefly's headquarters. (Pointing down) We catch him right now. Harpo reaches back into the cabin, picks up an enormous hook and throws it out. The rope that is attached to the hook starts playing out rapidly. CUT TO -- LONG SHOT miniature of dirigible and rope dangling from it... Then CUT TO - SHOT of rope and hook as it approaches Groucho's headquarters. It hooks onto the roof of the shack and raises it off the ground. CUT TO - LONG SHOT - miniature of dirigible carrying the shack through the air. CUT TO - inside of headquarters. GROUCHO (To generals) Gentlemen, the overhead is killing us. Everything is going up. If we don't watch ourselves, we'll come down with a crash. Now -- all those in favor of taking a cut say "aye"... ONE GENERAL (Protesting) But Your Excellency! GROUCHO Carried unanimously. CUT TO - SHOT of dirigible carrying the shack. The shack just clears a steeple by a few inches. CUT TO - INSIDE of headquarters. GROUCHO Now go right out there and fight. (To one general) You go out there and relieve General Beauregard, and while you're at it, see what General Motors is doing. The general, without saluting, exits out of door and closes door behind him. GROUCHO (To another general) Call him back -- he didn't salute me. The second general exits out of door without saluting, closing door behind him. ZEPPO Father, he didn't salute you either. GROUCHO (Angrily) Attention! The remaining generals jump to their feet, stand at attention and salute. GROUCHO Go out there -- all of you -- and bring those generals back -- dead or alive. All of the generals exit through to door; the last one closing door behind him. GROUCHO Why don't those generals come back? ZEPPO I'll call them. GROUCHO Never mind, I'll go after them myself. Groucho goes to door, pulls it open, starts out -- CUT TO - EXTERIOR OF SHACK (against sky backing). Groucho is seen in the open doorway. He comes out and walks down the steps (there are three steps attached to entrance of door, with railing on each side. Groucho is about to step off into space. He grabs the railing and hangs by his hands.) GROUCHO Hey, Junior! Zeppo rushes to door and pulls him up by the hands. CUT TO - Inside as Zeppo finishes pulling Groucho in. Groucho scrambles to his feet, rushes to window, leans out of window backwards and looks up. CUT TO -- SHOT of dirigible as seen by Groucho. CUT BACK inside of shack as Groucho pulls in his head. GROUCHO Get my rifle. Zeppo runs for rifle... GROUCHO I'll get rid of them. Zeppo returns and hands rifle to Groucho. Groucho leans out of the window backwards and shoots up into the air... CUT TO - dirigible (miniature) as the bag explodes. The smoke fills the screen. As the smoke clears away we see Groucho and Zeppo descending side by side in two parachutes against sky background. GROUCHO (To Zeppo) Take a letter. Zeppo takes out pad and pencil ZEPPO To whom? GROUCHO To whom it may concern... Dear Gloria: The air has done me a world of good. I am five thousand feet above sea level speeding home to you. Can you arrange to meet me at twenty-five hundred feet? -- which is only asking you to meet me half way. Don't be surprised if I drop in on you any minute... Your fun- loving Dictator. Groucho and Zeppo descend out of scene, as Harpo and Chico come into scene from above, both suspended from the ropes of their parachutes... They are in a sitting position, with a board across their knees, playing cards... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "J" SEQUENCE "K" FADE IN - to a group of notables standing around a large table. Among them are Mrs. Teasdale and Zeppo. Groucho is the guest of honor, very gaily attired for the occasion. As we FADE INTO this scene, they are singing - ALL (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free! ZEPPO My dad is much too great for his position without a question. I'd like to offer this with your permission as a suggestion: I really think he should be king! ALL We really think he should be king! ZEPPO I really think he should be king! ALL He should be king! SOLO And wear a crown and everything. ALL And everything. SOLO I really think he should be king! ALL He should be king! GROUCHO From what I have been gathering, I think they think I should be king: I think they think I should be king! ALL He should be king! GROUCHO And wear a crown and everything. ALL And everything. He should be king! Then follows a musical interlude during which Groucho says: - GROUCHO (Speaking to audience) You know I think they think I should be king. (Then turning to the guests - singing) Although it would please me to govern the throng, suppose I were king and then everything went wrong. MRS. TEASDALE The king can do no wrong! ALL The king can do no wrong! The king can do no wrong! They all sit GROUCHO Of course you're All aware a king must have an heir some one to pass the family name along will some one tell me where I'd ever get an heir if a king can do no wrong ALL (Standing up) The king can do no wrong! (They all sit down) GROUCHO Suppose a pretty dame Into my castle came - And let us say that I was going strong. She might be stuck on me, but what good would it be, if the king can do no wrong. ALL (Standing up) The king can do to wrong! (Sitting down) GROUCHO King Solomon was game he gave each Girl his name to number them would make a list that long I'll bet his thousand wives led miserable lives if the king can do no wrong. ALL (Remaining seated) We really think he should be king and wear a crown and everything. GROUCHO They think I should - They think I should - They think I should - They think I should be king. (APPLAUSE) Mrs. Teasdale rises. MRS. TEASDALE My dear friends, in time of peace we should forgive those who fought against us, and so, I have invited our former enemies. (Applause) CUT TO door, as it is being opened by two pages. Trentino and Vera enter. They both stop and bow in acknowledgment of the applause coming over scene. As they walk toward table and out of scene, Chico and Harpo enter. The latter is carrying a carpet runner, rolled up under his arm. He flips the carpet runner away from him on the floor, holding onto one end. It rolls out and Harpo strides majestically down its length toward the table with Chico following. Harpo pauses, brings to light a cuspidor from under his coat, puts it on the carpet and spits into it, and continues on, following Chico, who is now ahead of him. Harpo breaks into a run and he and Chico dash madly to the table. They take seats on either side of Groucho and without hesitating, start to eat the food in front of them. The guests are standing. Trentino and Vera arrive at their places and everyone sits down. Harpo reaches for a large service plate with a pretty picture on it, pushes his plate away, breaks the service plate with a knife... it breaks into little pieces like a jig-saw puzzle. He mixes the pieces up, and then starts to put them together again ... Groucho watches him... then helps him... GROUCHO (Stopping Harpo as he tries to fit a piece) No, no, this is the one... (Picking up a piece and placing it...) A waiter places a dish of tasty food in front of Groucho... he is just about to dig into it with his knife and fork when Harpo turns the table toward himself. This brings Groucho's food to Harpo, and Chico's empty plate to Groucho... GROUCHO That was awfully good, I think I'll have a second helping... waiter... Snapping his finger to waiter off scene. The waiter immediately appears placing a second dish in front of Groucho. He starts to dig his knife and fork into it again when Chico turns the table toward himself... This brings his food to Chico... Harpo lifts his plate up and puts it down again when the table stops turning... this time Groucho has nothing in front of him... GROUCHO If I don't stop eating I'll get indigestion... A WOMAN GUEST (To the left of Chico... to Chico) Would you mind passing the salt? CHICO (Yelling to Harpo) Hey, she wants some salt... Harpo takes salt shaker from man to his right, places it in front of himself and gives the table a quick turn toward the woman next to Chico... Groucho is still without food. He rises and looks about table... Sees a dish of food in front of Trentino, who is seated at opposite side of table... Trentino is eating. GROUCHO (Yelling to Trentino) Ambassador, how's the food? AMBASSADOR TRENTINO (Looking up and turning in direction of Groucho) It's delicious, Your Excellency. GROUCHO That's all I wanted to know. He gives the table a quick turn and Trentino's plate disappears as it spins around toward Groucho... Just as it gets to Harpo, he lifts up the plate... the table goes on a few feet more and when it stops, Harpo puts down his plate and starts to eat... again Groucho has nothing... Groucho picks up his napkin and wipes his mouth. GROUCHO I couldn't eat another thing. (He stands up) Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce to you a man who is a prince of good fellows, generous to a fault, his own worst enemy and a devil in his own hometown... Applause... Groucho steps up on the table GROUCHO Thanks, I didn't expect to be called upon... However, in conclusion I want to tell you that I promised Mrs. Teasdale I'd marry her if we won the war.... Well, we won the war and I'm stuck... to the victor belongs the spoils... The table starts to turn slowly... Groucho starts to walk in opposite direction... staying in same place. GROUCHO In union there is strength... The table moves a little faster... Groucho increases his pace accordingly... CUT TO Harpo and Chico now seated beside each other turning the table... CUT BACK to Groucho... GROUCHO I feel that we are taking a step in the right direction, and that's what I call balling the Jack... Speed of table turning increases. Groucho keeping pace against it in tread-mill fashion... GROUCHO Now is not the time for political temporizing, all interests must be sacrificed for the common weal... CUT TO Harpo and Chico turning table... faster and faster... We CUT BACK to Groucho who is now galloping to keep his spot but he's not going any place GROUCHO All those who want to place their money on the wheel, step inside, faint heart never won fair lady... Money won't grow in your pocket like the hair on your head and now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. This FADES OUT on a shot with Groucho running madly, and gesticulating, taking in Harpo and Chico turning the table... END OF SEQUENCE "K" THE ENDDuck Soup (1933) Screenplay by Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior of the executive mansion. It is a gala day. Soldiers are lined up in front of the entrance; expensive cars and carriages are arriving and depositing distinguished notables from the adjoining countries. Two trumpeters at the head of the stairs announce the arrival of each notable. In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of the late president, is greeting the newcomers. The room is filled with distinguished guests. At the moment we see Mrs. Teasdale, she is talking with a notable. In the near background is a group of distinguished men, members of her own cabinet. Her words to the notable are not lost on them, and as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the exchange of disapproving glances. MRS. TEASDALE It is so good of you to come. NOTABLE An honor, Mrs. Teasdale... You must indeed have great faith in your new dictator to give him such a magnificent reception. MRS. TEASDALE I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the only logical successor to my dear departed husband. He has the statesmanship of Gladstone, the humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom of Pericles. The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the scene. As he does, the background group moves into Mrs. Teasdale. Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale. FIRST CABINET MEMBER (Protestingly) Mrs. Teasdale, as members of Freedonia's cabinet, we do not approve of your choice. Who is this Rufus T. Firefly? SECOND CABINET MEMBER (Waving aloft a paper) A stranger in our midst, an agent for the Eureka Ammunition Company. Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition salesman dictating the policies of our peace-loving country. THIRD CABINET MEMBER Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it is too late. The citizens of Freedonia want a President! MRS. TEASDALE As the widow of your last president, I have the right to choose -- and, Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the matter any further. Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to mumble among themselves. From off scene comes a servant's voice, announcing: SERVANT His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi Trentino of Amnesia! Cut... to the archway. We see Trentino enter with a beautiful brunette at his side. He is followed by two or three of his fellowmen. He moves across the reception hall to Mrs. Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips to the back of her hand, then introduces his companion. TRENTINO Mrs. Teasdale... my niece, Vera. Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl's hand warmly. MRS. TEASDALE (To niece) Your uncle has been such a friend to us in every crisis. Without his country's financial aid -- TRENTINO (Lightly) What is money? (Tenderly) Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do anything. MRS. TEASDALE (Flustered) Ambassador! (Attempting to change the subject) I am so anxious for you to meet our new dictator. TRENTINO (Persistent in his flattery) Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules Freedonia, to me you will always be the first lady of the land. Trentino attempts to take her hand. The latter is a bit confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly says: VERA Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle's hopeless -- you've been the only topic of conversation ever since we left Amnesia. Mrs. Teasdale's confusion is happily interrupted by the announcement of a servant, off scene. SERVANT The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of Mufhtan! MRS. TEASDALE (Hastily) Oh, I must greet His Honor. Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly. Vera and Trentino look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their eyes meet. VERA So that's the one you want to marry. TRENTINO With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and Freedonia under my control -- (He rubs his hands significantly) VERA Maybe it's not going to be so easy. From what I've heard, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly. TRENTINO That's where you come in. I'll leave him in your hands, and don't forget you're supposed to be my niece. Vera winks agreeingly. Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO). She introduces him. MRS. TEASDALE I want you to meet the son of His Excellency -- Bob Firefly... Ambassador Trentino... his niece, Vera, After the formalities of introducing, Trentino says: TRENTINO Isn't it about time for the ceremony to begin, Mrs. Teasdale? (Mockingly) I do hope His Excellency won't be late. BOB (Defensively) My father makes it a point to always be on time. As long as I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment. TRENTINO But it's two minutes of ten now. BOB (As music begins) His Excellency is due To take his station. Beginning his new Administration... He'll make his appearance when The clock on the wall strikes ten. MRS. TEASDALE (singing) When the clock on the wall strikes ten All you loyal ladies and you patriotic men Let's sing the national anthem when... The clock on the wall strikes ten. The clock begins to strike the hour... one... two... three... four... ALL (singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Mightiest of mighty nations! Hail, hail, Freedonia Land of the brave and free. This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects the reception hall with the outer hall. Groucho doesn't appear and once more they all sing. ALL (singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once more. ALL Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with Bob. Vera and Trentino smile. MRS. TEASDALE (Nervously) I hope nothing has happened. BOB Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is nothing to worry about. Father is probably taking extra care in getting into his robes of state. I'll call him. Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a tapestried bell cord. This rings a fire bell in Groucho's room -- and Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed under a mosquito netting. He has an unlighted cigar in his mouth. The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him from his slumber and he rises quickly. The cigar begins to emit smoke when he starts puffing. He hurries over to one corner of the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman fashion, gets into them, and then sides down a fireman's pole into the reception hall. The guests are singing the last two lines of the national anthem when he arrives. ALL Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free. Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of Mrs. Teasdale. He passes several notables, one of whom is wearing an impressive looking medal. Groucho deprives him of it without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on himself. He pauses only when he is facing the principal group. MRS. TEASDALE (Beaming as she addresses Groucho) As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you and extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia. I deem it an honor on this momentous occasion... GROUCHO (Interrupting) Never mind that stuff... He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends them to Mrs. Teasdale. GROUCHO Take a card. The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies. Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket. MRS. TEASDALE What'll I do with this card? GROUCHO You can keep it -- I've got a whole pack... Now what were you saying? MRS. TEASDALE As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms. GROUCHO How late do you stay open? MRS. TEASDALE In choosing you, I feel that I serve my country well. I heartily endorse everything you stand for. GROUCHO Well, I won't stand for much. And I won't stand for you if you don't show some improvement soon. Look at your report card last month -- "D" in spelling... six in behavior. Now who were the six? A fine state of affairs -- no wonder you can't matriculate, now what were you saying? MRS. TEASDALE The future of Freedonia rests upon you. Promise me you will follow in my husband's footsteps. GROUCHO (To CAMERA) I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. (To Mrs. Teasdale) Not that I care -- but where is your husband? MRS. TEASDALE (Slightly embarrassed) Why - er -- my husband passed away... (reverently) I was with him to the very end. GROUCHO No wonder he passed away. I'd like to be with you to the very end. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you -- I love you. MRS. TEASDALE (Very warmly) Your Excellency! GROUCHO You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Teasdale, when I look at you I can see that we're facing a crisis. We've got to balance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including, you. Ambassador Trentino enters the scene. MRS. TEASDALE Oh... Your Excellency... I would like to present to you... Ambassador Verdi Trentino Of Amnesia... Having him with us today is indeed a great honor. TRENTINO (To Mrs. Teasdale, smiling appreciatively) Thanks... but I can't stay very long. GROUCHO That's even a greater honor. TRENTINO I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will of my people. GROUCHO I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars. TRENTINO Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum... I'll have to discuss that with my Minister of Finance. GROUCHO Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally? TRENTINO (Surprised) $50? GROUCHO I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as security. (Throwing a glance at Mrs. Teasdale) or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the jackknife... I've a better proposition... Make it $25 and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you foreclose. TRENTINO (With a puzzled look at Groucho) Your Excellency, haven't we met before? GROUCHO (Looking at Trentino) Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have won that race if you tried a little harder. Vera Trentino enters scene. TRENTINO Excellency, may I present my niece. GROUCHO Go ahead. TRENTINO You don't understand. This is my niece Vera. GROUCHO (Throwing her a glance) And Vera niece, too. VERA Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom. GROUCHO You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of it. Where's my secretary? (Looking around) Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene. BOB Here I am, Father. GROUCHO (To Bob) Take a letter. BOB (Taking out a stenographer's pad and pencil) Who to? GROUCHO The President of the United States. Bob writes as Groucho dictates GROUCHO My dear President... read it back... BOB (Reading from pad) "My dear President"... GROUCHO That doesn't sound right... take out "President"... now read it. BOB (Reading) "My dear"... GROUCHO That's not right yet... put back "President" and take out "dear"... How does it read now? BOB (Reading) "My President"... GROUCHO There's still something wrong with it... take out "President" ...now what've you got? BOB (Reading) "My"... GROUCHO Now we're on the right track... Put back "dear"... How does it read? BOB (Reading) "My dear"... GROUCHO You can't say that to the President... Put back "President"... Now let's hear how sounds. BOB (Reading) "My dear President"... GROUCHO That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and send it airmail. BOB Is that all? GROUCHO Take another letter... to my tailor. Bob takes dictation again. GROUCHO Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly... Send that immediately. BOB I'll have to enclose the check first. GROUCHO You do and I'll fire you. Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize his remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale enters to Groucho. MRS. TEASDALE (To Groucho) Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every land are gathered here in your honor -- (Indicating the guests with a wave of her hand) This is a gala day for us. GROUCHO Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any more. MRS. TEASDALE If it's not asking too much -- (Recitative) For our information just for illustration (Begins tune) Tell us how you intend to run the nation. GROUCHO (Singing) These are the laws of my administration: No one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke -- And whistling is forbidden... ENSEMBLE (Singing) We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA GROUCHO (Singing) If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer is pursued And in the hoosegow hidden... ENSEMBLE (Singing) If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued - GROUCHO If any form of pleasure is exhibited Report to me and it will be prohibited. I'll put my foot down; So shall it be - This is the land of the free. The last man nearly ruined this place He didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does sailor's hornpipe) The treasury is low on dough; The last man went and flew with it. If you think we're short of money now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does Highland fling) The country's taxes must be fixed - And I know what to do with it, If you think you're paying too much now, Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Takes flute from inside pocket and plays strain of Dixie) DIGNITARY (Singing) In our midst you stand The ruler of this land A man who'll govern with an iron hand. GROUCHO (Singing) If anyone gets fresh with me, I'll show him who's the boss; I'll stand upon my dignity, And toss him for a loss. And this will be the penalty For those who doublecross - We'll stand 'em up against the wall, and Pop goes the Weasel ENSEMBLE (Singing) If you should make him cross, He'll toss you for a loss. If anyone gets fresh with him, He'll show him who's the boss. Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung GROUCHO (Singing) I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair; I'm strictly on the up and up, So everyone beware. If anyone's caught taking graft And I don't get my share, we'll stand 'em up against the wall - and pop goes the weasel! ENSEMBLE (Singing) So everyone beware Who's crooked or unfair; No one must take a bit of graft Unless he gets his share. (Groucho dances as above is sung) GROUCHO (Singing) If any man should come between A husband and his bride, We find out which one she prefers By letting her decide. If she prefers the other man, The husband steps outside; We stand him up against the wall And Pop goes the Weasel! ENSEMBLE (Singing) The husband steps outside; Relinquishes his bride; We stand him up against the wall And take him for a ride. (Groucho dances as above is sung) GROUCHO The population must increase With great rapidity. We give a couple seven years To raise a family. If, by that time, there is no branch Upon the family tree, we stand 'em up against the wall - and Pop goes the Weasel. Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance continues. He might finish dance in her arms, looking tenderly at her as she beams down at him. MRS. TEASDALE (As she beams on him) You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal... It is easy to see you have an open mind. GROUCHO That's what I get for dressing in a hurry. MRS. TEASDALE Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the House of Representatives... Have you got your speech ready? GROUCHO I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their seats... (He takes a paper from inside pocket as he says above... then reads from paper) Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation -- MRS. TEASDALE Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg... GROUCHO (With a look of great surprise) He did?... I told my son not to leave it laying around... Where is son? Bob enters BOB Here I am, Father... GROUCHO Send for my car... BOB (Calling to servant off scene) His Excellency's car! This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene... A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat. He bows low as he hands it to Groucho... Groucho takes hat, removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his hat and with a swanky gesture exits... again we hear a servant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car"... We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion, outside, standing at attention... their trumpets at their sides... From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His Excellency's car"... The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon the car... We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage. This is a pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in the center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in background identify the garage. At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter's call. Instantly the two guards move to the center of the gates and call through the bars - GUARDS (In unison) His Excellency's car! Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the other side of the wall. The two guards open gates moving in military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car. The motorcycle is decorated... perhaps a crest in relief on the side of the car... a thin staff, about four or five feet high is fastened to the handle bars... As Harpo rides along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further along the road he hits a man... he looks behind to see what damage he's done, but continues riding... A CUT BACK to the man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground. We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motorcycle... he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows a few bars of taps... he mounts motorcycle again and starts off... CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from mansion... the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing hands... Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down stairs... as fast as they can. CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho, carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho gets into the side-car... and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo: GROUCHO To the House of Representatives... ride like fury... Don't stop for any signals and don't wait for a corner to make a turn... see if you can break a record... Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the ground... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle starts off but leaves the side-car. Groucho gets out of side-car... starts back to steps, stops and says: GROUCHO A fine thing -- leaving the head of the nation at the foot of the stairs... As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo... riding along... A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo pursuing and breaks into a run... CUT BACK to Harpo following her, putting on speed... he lowers the Freedonian flag and simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and cross- bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop is parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators... he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor and follows in pursuit... The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the scene and rides up the stairs after her... As Harpo gets about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen approaching the mansion. CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly through the room... a moment later we see Harpo on his bike following... there is panic among the guests. Then we see the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular balcony... CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he rides and sees the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On the balcony above, the girl is running, with an occasional glance over her shoulder as she runs out of scene... Harpo rides into scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the manner of a six day bicycle rider... following closely behind him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle the mezzanine... Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder at his pursuer... this is done in imitation of a six day bicycle race... The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo... the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony... as he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes another open doorway. Harpo comes riding out of it and is now in pursuit of the cop... CUT down stairs to Groucho... One hand is upraised holding a gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then addresses guests looking into CAMERA. GROUCHO That concludes the nine o'clock sprints... Next Saturday night the winner of the six day bicycle race will receive ten thousand dollars in gold... the following morning we go off the gold standard... CUT BACK to balcony... Harpo is passing the cop... He holds up his hand for the cop to stop... they both come to a halt... Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over angrily to cop, takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the cop as we FADE OUT... END OF SEQUENCE "A" SEQUENCE "B" FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Representatives. This interior although not a replica of our own House of Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious-looking dignitary. On the platform are a few desks... perhaps a pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives... The one to the right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by Bob Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses. Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the House. SPEAKER Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for forty-six years we have enjoyed the friendship of Amnesia, so ably represented by Ambassador Trentino. (Indicating the Ambassador who is present) We owe it to ourselves to listen to what he has to say... Trentino takes the floor TRENTINO Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual for a representative of one country to advise the legislative body of another, I assure you that I have the interest of Freedonia at heart ... (Deferential applause) We have lent you money in the past -- we are willing to lend you money again -- but, we cannot do it if your leader is allowed by you, to carry out his ridiculous proposals... In self-protection it is my -- Bob rises to interrupt BOB I object!... we have no right to discuss this matter in the absence of my father. SPEAKER (To House) We have been meeting every morning for eight days and not once has His Excellency been on time... TRENTINO (Looking at his watch) Gentlemen, I cannot wait much longer... SPEAKER (To Bob) Would you mind calling your father again? Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall... CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene. Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he slides down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide down the pole into the House of Representatives. As he arrives the members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the national anthem. MEMBERS (Singing) HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the brave and free... Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on his coat as he goes... Just as he reaches the desk the singing subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in the direction of one of the representatives. GROUCHO (Pointing toward the individual off scene) The Secretary of Agriculture was a little flat... (He takes a match and scratches it across the top of the desk to light his cigar... takes a few puffs, then raps the gavel.) I move we open the morning session... Has anybody got a cork screw? (Looking out and around at members) [page missing] GROUCHO What's to stop you from digging one... And after you dig a river, how're ya gonna cross it without a bridge...? We've got to have a bridge to stop people from going places -- then we've gotta stop them from coming back. If you're worried about the expense we can have a bridge with only one end -- and if that's a success we can do away with it altogether. I'm telling you that what this country needs is -- Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"... this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first strain of the PEANUT VENDOR... Groucho listens, annoyed and then continues GROUCHO If there's one thing we don't need right now -- it's peanuts -- gentlemen, what good is a bridge if you haven't got ammunition to blow it up... ammunition was never cheaper... Right now, you can get two cannons for the price of one and shoot twice as far for half the money... With every five thousand dollar purchase we throw in a Big Bertha... If you don't like her, you can throw her right out again. I tell you no country can protect itself without -- Again Chico's voice comes over scene singing "P-E-A-N-U-T- S"... The whistling of the first strain of song - the PEANUT VENDOR is heard again SPEAKER I'm sorry your Excellency, it is that infernal peanut vendor Chicolini... How can we accomplish anything with that constant annoyance? TRENTINO Your Excellency - are we or are we not going to discuss this problem - my time is valuable - I'm a man of few words - GROUCHO I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!! Trentino exits resentfully GROUCHO (To Bob - aroused) Go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building -- Get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of peanuts. BOB I've tried to chase him but it's no use - he won't go - GROUCHO He won't eh? - We'll see about that - send for your father immediately. BOB But you're my father - GROUCHO Never mind then, I'll get in touch with him myself - CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has a whistle on it conspicuously displayed - CHICO (Singing loudly) "P-E-A-N-U-T-S" CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT VENDOR" - Trentino enters to Chico - CHICO (To Trentino) How'm I doing, boss? TRENTINO Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything you can to disturb Firefly - Now what about your cousin? CHICO He's working very hard - I got him a job driving Firefly's car - He's-a driving him crazy and I'm driving him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the "Peanut Vendor" is heard coming over scene with orchestra accompaniment... GROUCHO (Glaring angrily at window) I'll get rid of that pest - watch me -- He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish dancer... as he reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is by his peanut stand. GROUCHO (To Chico - angrily) Hey you!! CHICO All right - Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho - The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts to eat the peanuts. GROUCHO Have you got a license? CHICO No, but my dog he's a got millions of them -- GROUCHO (Munching peanuts as Chico walks over and stands under window) What kind of a dog is he? CHICO He used to be a bloodhound but he's anemic -- GROUCHO Well - what is he now? CHICO He's half poodle and half watch dog - GROUCHO Half watch dog? CHICO Yeh, he's only got one eye. GROUCHO I don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end of a leash - a ninety-nine year leash - (Gives him a look of disgust) Look - what do you call your dog? CHICO I don't call him, I whistle. GROUCHO What do you whistle? CHICO Yankee Poodle. GROUCHO I've got just the place for a man like you but I'm too busy right now to do any digging. What do you call your dog when you want him? CHICO I don't want him. GROUCHO Well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a pound? CHICO He only weighs ten ounces -- GROUCHO I can use you in the House of Representatives. We need a man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is going to. Step inside. Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of House of Representatives GROUCHO (To Bob) In case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place? BOB (After a moment's thought) About - thirty-four seconds. GROUCHO We'll start a fire -- (Indicating representatives) -- and get rid of these microbes. Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office. CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone. Just as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico enters through the other door. He is wearing gauntlets, reaching half way up his arms. As they walk toward each other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad dash for the telephone on the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the phone, picks up the receiver. CHICO (At telephone) Hello!... Yes... Yes... He's not in... Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting impatiently CHICO That was for you. GROUCHO I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you... Now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yelling "peanuts" in front of the House of Representatives. CHICO Oh no, I can't do it. GROUCHO You don't want to be a public nuisance, do you? CHICO Sure. How much does the job pay? (or) Sure, if there's a chance for advancement. GROUCHO You wouldn't consider going over Niagara Falls without a barrel? CHICO 'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara Falls once. GROUCHO Did you shoot the rapids? CHICO No, but I shot some ducks. GROUCHO If there was an open season for fellows like you, I'd get myself a hunting license. Anyway, I'm going to make you a sporting proposition. You give up the peanut stand and I'll make you vice-president of the country. CHICO Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a brother who was a vice-president once and that's the last we ever heard of him. GROUCHO Well, maybe he's still the vice- president. Now if I were to offer you -- Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and run for the telephone. Again Chico gets there first. Groucho stands by exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end of the line CHICO (To telephone) Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All right... Goodbye. (Hangs up receiver - then says to Groucho) That was for you again. He wants you to call him up as soon as you get back. GROUCHO I don't know what's keeping me. I should've been here a long time ago. Now how about my proposition? CHICO What other job you got? GROUCHO Let's see -- What've I got in my cabinet besides mice -- (Stops to think - then very enthusiastically) I've got it -- how would you like to be Secretary of the Interior? CHICO That's no good. I like to work on the outside. I must have something easy. GROUCHO Then you don't wanna work hard? CHICO I don't wanna work at all. GROUCHO In that case you'll have to take a civil service examination -- if you pass I'll put you in the post-office -- stick out your tongue. CHICO I don't wanna stick out my tongue. GROUCHO Well, if you wanna work in the post- office you'll have to stick out your tongue. CHICO Look, I'm a very nervous man. I gotta have a job where I come to work at eleven -- go to lunch at twelve -- and quit at one. And twice a year I gotta have a six month vacation. GROUCHO I've got just the job for you -- Secretary of War. CHICO 'At's-a fine. Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash for the telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and reaches the phone first. Harpo picks up through telephone receiver, listens to conversation on the other end with an occasional nod and shake of the head. As he listens, he scribbles message on a piece of paper. He holds the written message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes a few more words on the paper. During this, Chico and Groucho stand by, terribly worried. Finally Harpo hangs up the receiver and exits, tearing up the paper GROUCHO (After a moment's glance at Harpo) You know, I'd be lost without a telephone. Now - where were we? Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary of War. The first thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and I get 10% commission. CHICO What do I get? GROUCHO You get half mine and I get half yours. CHICO I don't want to buy ammunition -- we no gotta war. GROUCHO Then we've gotta start one. Do you know how to start a war? CHICO Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult somebody. Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves, then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to Chico in the professional manner of an experienced duelist GROUCHO My card. CHICO (Laughing) That's a-no good. You gotta insult somebody from another country. Look -- (Puts his large gloves on the desk) I come from one country. You come from another country. I say something you don't like. You say something I don't like - and I'm insulted. GROUCHO Why wasn't I insulted? CHICO You was insulted, but you don't know it. GROUCHO (Indignantly) Then I demand an apology! CHICO That's a-no good. If I apologize we no got a war. Look -- I send you a scrap of paper. You send me a scrap of paper -- and we have a scrap. GROUCHO You've got a brain after all - and how you get along without it is amazing to me -- Now, who can I insult?... Who do we owe money to?... (Enthusiastically) AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him? CHICO He's-a very easy to insult -- I say something to his niece once, and he slapped my face. GROUCHO Why didn't his niece slap your face? CHICO She did. GROUCHO What did you say to her? Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho gives him an indignant look GROUCHO You're lucky I don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed of yourself. Where did you hear that story? CHICO You told it to me. GROUCHO (Puzzled for a moment) Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me... I'm going right out and find Trentino. You go right out and get yourself an army. Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him GROUCHO Wait a minute. What kind of an army do you think we oughtta have? CHICO I think we oughtta have a standing army, so we can save money on chairs. At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk and sees the larger gauntlets. He takes a swing with his own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets in is hand. CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side car. Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets, gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand, says: GROUCHO To Mrs. Teasdale's residence! The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car behind. GROUCHO This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been anywhere yet. And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back into the building, the scene FADES OUT END OF SEQUENCE "B" SEQUENCE "C" FADE IN to garden party. This is an afternoon tea in the garden of the Teasdale estate. Spotted in the set-up are innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables. The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the first sequence. The only two people absent are Ambassador Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale. Vera Trentino is seated at one of the tables and her presence is established there in the opening shot. Music is heard over the scene and should be continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra on the premises. Suddenly the chatter ceases as the following announcement is heard coming over scene. GUARD'S VOICE (From off scene) His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly! All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone rises to sing the last four bars of the national anthem. Cut to the gateway leading into the garden... a servant on each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets... GUESTS (Singing) HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the brave and free... Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards and starts down the walk among the guests. From his attitude it is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador Trentino. Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest off scene. The following dialogue comes over the scene. TRENTINO'S VOICE Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage would not only unite two great families... CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner of the garden -- both are at a tea table. This shot leaves Groucho out. TRENTINO (Continuing) ...but would further cement the relations of our countries. MRS. TEASDALE (Fluttering with excitement) Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed honored... (Falteringly) But you see - well - I -- TRENTINO (Repressing his anger - coldly) Oh. Then there his somebody else? MRS. TEASDALE Well no -- not exactly -- but -- TRENTINO (Impatiently) Gloria -- I've waited for years. I won't be put off! I love you! I want you! (Taking her hand pleadingly) Can't you see that I'm at your feet? Groucho enters the scene. GROUCHO (To Trentino) When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine. I haven't been to a chiropodist in two years... (To CAMERA) If that's not an insult, I don't know what is. (Turns to Gloria) Gloria, I love you. I -- TRENTINO (Furious, to Gloria) Can't we go some place where we can be alone? GROUCHO (To Mrs. Teasdale) What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family. I can't give you wealth... (Archly lifting his eyebrow) ...but we can have a little family of our own. MRS. TEASDALE (Coyly) Oh, Rufus! GROUCHO All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head. MRS. TEASDALE (Happily confused) Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know what to say. GROUCHO I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. (Turning to Trentino) Maybe you can suggest something. TRENTINO (Hotly) This has gone far enough! This interruption is humiliating, to say the least... GROUCHO Well, why not say the least and get it over with? MRS. TEASDALE (Fearful) Gentlemen! Gentlemen! TRENTINO (Half addressing Mrs. Teasdale) I didn't come here to be insulted. GROUCHO That's what you think. TRENTINO (Furiously) You swine! GROUCHO Give me that again! TRENTINO You worm! GROUCHO Once more! (Holds his gauntlets in his hand, ready at any moment to strike) TRENTINO You upstart! GROUCHO That's it! No man lives who can call a Firefly an upstart. Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across the face with his gauntlets. Then he quickly flashes his card and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist. GROUCHO (As he offers the card) Touché. A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted by the rumpus begin to move into the scene. Prominent among these is Vera Trentino. Trentino refuses Groucho's card, white with rage. TRENTINO (Coldly) I shall report this indignity the my President. (To Mrs. Teasdale - polite but firm) Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this regrettable occurrence will plunge our countries into war. MRS. TEASDALE (Half crying) This is terrible! VERA Uncle, you can't do this! TRENTINO (Politely) My dear niece -- I must ask you not to interfere. War is not a woman's problem. VERA (Rising angrily) It is every woman's problem. Who supplies the sons? -- the brothers? -- the husbands? Who... GROUCHO (To Vera -- interrupting) You keep that up and you'll crab the whole war. VERA Carry out this tragic folly if you will -- But I for one will not be a part of it. (She winks at Trentino) I will stay here in Freedonia. TRENTINO (As a faint smile of understanding vanishes from his face) Very well then, if that's how you feel about it -- (suggestive shrug of his shoulders) My country has spoken. He turns on his heel as if about to leave. Groucho stops him GROUCHO Then it's war? TRENTINO (Stiffly) Yes. GROUCHO How're ya fixed for ammunition? TRENTINO Bah!! (Waves Groucho aside and exits) GROUCHO (Dramatically) THEN IT'S WAR! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta GROUCHO THEN IT'S WAR! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta GROUCHO GATHER THE FORCES! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta GROUCHO HARNESS THE HORSES! SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta GROUCHO THEN IT'S WAR! The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is punctuated by the staccato notes of the trumpet. Groucho makes a military exit from scene in time to the music, which goes into a military march. As Groucho reaches the gate, the guard hands him his high silk hat. Groucho takes the hat -- removes a white rabbit from it -- hands it to the guard -- as he exits through gate. DISSOLVE. END OF SEQUENCE "C" SEQUENCE "D" INSERT of newspaper. The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from background -- as it stops we read the following headlines: "ARMIES MOBILIZE AS WAR CLOUDS GATHER!" Through this insert we get the vague impression of war activity. We see the movement of soldiers' feet. From the background the second insert moves up to CAMERA... The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert comes from the background. The headline reads: "AMNESIA HASTENS PREPARATIONS!" Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons moving along. This is replaced by the the insert coming from the background. The headlines read - "FREEDONIA'S LEADER MAINTAINS ATTITUDE OF DIGNIFIED SILENCE!" Bombing planes move through this insert. The front page of the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until we come to the classified ad section of the paper. We see the following advertisement: WANTED: - A female spy. Must be young and attractive Apply to Office of Secretary of War. Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad -- WANTED: -- A Chauffeur Below the war nurse ad we see part of another ad in which a cook is wanted. DISSOLVE TO A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously those of very pretty girls. The CAMERA moves upward disclosing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row in the ante-room of the Secretary of War's office. On the door leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the lettering: PRIVATE. The CAMERA discloses only four or five of these girls, but we know there are more in the room. Bob appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and addresses the first girl - nearest the door. BOB The Secretary of War will see you next, Miss. This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form. She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's office. Bob closes the door behind her. The CAMERA now moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl. On the other side of him are more girls. A girl to the right of him turns to the girl beside her. GIRL (To the girl at her right) Did you hear the one about the woman taking a bath?... Well, she forgot to lock the door... A man came in and said, "I'm a doctor"... The woman said, "I'm not sick"... and the man said, "that's all right. I'm not a doctor." All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark. Harpo is laughing also. He slaps the story-teller on the leg. Her laughter ceases instantly. She slaps him back, and gets another slap on the leg in return. A little squeal of pain from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her leg just above the knee. GIRL (To Harpo) Look! Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his leg for her to look. On his leg is tattooed a picture of two hearts entwined with an arrow running through both. She gives Harpo dirty look and rises CUT TO Private office of Secretary of War. The office is cluttered with war implements, maps, etc. The examination of the girl is in progress. She is turning around in the manner of a clothes model. Chico is looking her over. CHICO (To girl) You look pretty good to me - but very still need a spy - Have you got any credentials? The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees revealing an attractive leg. She reaches into her stocking for a paper. CHICO (Taking a very good look) You got credentials all right. The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico. Chico looks at the paper CHICO This is fine. Put it back. Hands the girl the paper. She lifts her dress above her knees again and puts the paper back in her stocking, while Chico looks on. She drops her skirt. CHICO I think I better take another look at that paper... She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico steals another glance. The girl drops her skirt and hands him the paper. CHICO (Looking at the paper) I look this over later -- now I look you over. If you want to be a spy, you gotta be in good condition. I better examine you. He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to her heart and listens. CHICO (Listening to girl's heart beat) There's something wrong -- I think I'm getting Whiteman's band. Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch from vest pocket. He feels her pulse while looking at the watch. CHICO According to my watch it's four o'clock. (Puts watch back in his pocket) Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta make love to men. Come on -- let's see you make love... She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair, puts both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very amorous, bends him over and kisses him madly. She lets go after a little while and Chico comes up for air. He staggers around in a daze. Then he takes the watch from his vest pocket, hands it to her, extends his wrist and says: CHICO Now you feel my pulse. Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of confusion. The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two of them are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above their knees. There is a little white mouse running about the room. Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench. The girl just interviewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse, screams and joins in the general confusion. Groucho enters as the girls are running about - zig-zags among them and continues through the room into the private office of Chico - closing door behind him. The girls clear out of anteroom and Harpo is left all alone. He takes a small mouse trap from his large pocketbook, puts it on the floor, crouches down and whistles to the mouse in the manner of a man trying to call a dog. The mouse in answer to the whistle runs into the trap. CUT TO The Secretary of War's office. Chico at the phone. CHICO (To phone) Send in the next girl. (He hangs receiver up) GROUCHO By the way, are you sure we need a spy? CHICO Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no got a spy who's gonna tell the other side what we're doing? At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door, carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the size of a carpetbag. He walks past Groucho in a seductive manner, swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously. Groucho is delighted with this action and returns the ogling. CHICO (To Harpo) Have you got any credentials? Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his leg of the two hearts. Groucho examines it closely. GROUCHO I don't go in much for modern art. Have you got anything by one of the old masters? Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a picture of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy". Chico and Groucho arise from the examination. GROUCHO I'm glad I didn't ask you for "Washington Crossing the Delaware". CHICO (To Harpo) We've gotta have somebody who knows how to get secrets from men. You know how to make love? Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him and starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very hard. In the midst of this there is a loud report. A startled look from Groucho and Chico. We see that Harpo is minus one breast. He tries to affect an innocent look when suddenly there is a second loud report and his breasts are now as flat as a billiard table. Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho, a hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his bustle and the bustle is becoming deflated.) GROUCHO (To Harpo) You ought to carry a spare. Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back to CAMERA. He takes a tube out of his dress front and begins to blow. Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled look as they watch him - the bustle starts to expand. This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as they look on. GROUCHO (Looking at Harpo) We're certainly living in a marvelous age. There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's clothes are blown off him - leaving him in nothing but running pants and ladies' silk stockings. His body is literally covered with tattoos. CHICO (Laughing) That's very funny... he certainly fooled me. He'll make a good spy. Winks significantly at Harpo. Harpo returns the wink. GROUCHO (Examining tattoos) If we can't use him as a spy, we can have him framed. He and Chico continue further examination of the tattooed designs on Harpo's body. CHICO Say, that's a nice collection. You oughta have a catalogue. Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his trunks and hands it to Chico. Groucho and Chico look at the catalogue. GROUCHO Let's take a look at number eighteen. Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb tattooed job of a beautiful girl's head. CHICO (Referring to picture of girl) Say, she's all right. You got-a her phone number? Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number tattooed right under the arm pit. He holds this a moment, then turns and discloses a portion of the tattooing on his chest. Groucho and Chico's eyes shift from the telephone number to the tattooed picture on his chest. Harpo completes move and discloses the entire picture. It is a country back-house with a crescent over the door. Chico laughs uproariously. CHICO (Laughing) That's a funny one! He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly. TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST. The door in the outhouse flies open. The head of a real man appears in the opening. He looks off in the direction of Chico and mumbles incoherencies under his breath. He is terribly angry at being interrupted. He draws in his head, closing the door behind him. CHICO (To Harpo) I think we can use you. Here's a spy glass... go ahead and do some spying... Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward the window. As he looks across street through binoculars, he is grinning all over and wiggling around like a happy kid. ROOM ACROSS THE STREET Looking into the open window of a bedroom as Harpo would see it through the binoculars. A beautiful girl is undressing, preparing to retire. After a moment of this shot CUT BACK to Harpo looking through the binoculars. Chico takes the binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the scene, proceeds to look himself. He registers the same satisfaction as Harpo and hands the binoculars to Groucho. As Groucho looks through the binoculars at the beautiful girl, Chico says: CHICO He's going to make a good spy... that's not bad for the first day. GROUCHO (Turning and looking at Chico) That's not bad for any day. Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars at the beautiful girl. This time he sees Harpo chasing the girl around the roam. This is shot through the binoculars as before. Groucho registers amazement as he looks through binoculars; perhaps squints his eyes once or twice and takes second look. GROUCHO (To Chico) Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a look. Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room across the street. Binocular shot as before. The girl is in her underwear, tearing out of the room into the hall, pursued by Harpo. Chico is still looking through the binoculars. GROUCHO You're right about that guy -- I think we've got something. CHICO I don't know about us, but I know he's-a got something... CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the beautiful girl. She comes dashing madly out of the door and starts down the street, clad only in her underwear. Harpo appears in doorway, riding his motorcycle and starts down the street after her. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "D" SEQUENCE "E" FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home... It is a smartly appointed room. Its main feature for our purposes is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above. In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by fireplace while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up and down... TRENTINO This is all Firefly's fault -- that idiot, that fool... VERA I thought everything was working out fine. TRENTINO Fine nothing! I didn't want war... My plan was to marry Mrs. Teasdale and overthrow Firefly. VERA Maybe you can still win the old dame over -- why not try to -- At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming downstairs and hushes Vera with a nudge. MRS. TEASDALE (As she descends stairs) I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting... Trentino walks over to meet her. TRENTINO (Taking her hand) Mrs. Teasdale... (Kisses her hand) I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with his Excellency, but his attitude left me no alternative... MRS. TEASDALE (Emotionally) To think that this should happen after all these years of friendship. VERA Maybe the war can still be averted... MRS. TEASDALE (Hopefully) Oh, if only it could... TRENTINO Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket my pride and do anything I can to make up with his Excellency. MRS. TEASDALE (Solicitously) Oh, would you...? TRENTINO For you, I would do anything... (Bowing graciously) VERA If only we can get his Excellency to listen to reason... TRENTINO (To Mrs. Teasdale) Perhaps he will listen to you... MRS. TEASDALE Perhaps... I'll call him... She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number there is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging significant looks... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone... MRS. TEASDALE (Talking into phone) Hello, your Excellency?... I hate to disturb you -- I know you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once. CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone... He is lying in bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers... the bed is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers... GROUCHO (Into phone) Why not come over here? -- You can come in the back way and no one'll see you... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. MRS. TEASDALE (Into phone) But your Excellency, you must -- oh thank you -- please hurry... (She hangs up phone... and walks over to her guests) He'll be right over... CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room), disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino. GROUCHO (Hanging on to pole -- addressing Trentino) If I knew you were here I would've brought some cheese... He shoots right up the pole again out of sight. Hold CAMERA on this shot for an instant... Groucho comes sliding down again... this time he is fully dressed, including his high hat and the cigar in s mouth... He walks over to Trentino belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on the way. GROUCHO (To Trentino) So -- you've come to ask for clemency! I'll give the enemy no quarter -- not a dime... MRS. TEASDALE But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador is here on a friendly visit... He came to ask you to patch up the breach. GROUCHO Let him patch up his own breeches... TRENTINO (To Groucho -- ignoring Groucho's remark) I'm sorry we lost our tempers... I'm willing to forget if you are. GROUCHO Forget? (Like an injured woman) You ask me to forget... Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves... and I'd only have to bury them again... A Firefly never forgets... TRENTINO I am willing to apologize... I'm willing to do anything to prevent this war. GROUCHO Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease on the battlefield. I'd lose my deposit, besides, I've already ordered the ammunition... VERA (Putting her arms around Groucho) Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do? GROUCHO Yes, but I'll talk to you about that when we're alone... MRS. TEASDALE (Coming to Groucho) Oh, won't you reconsider... GROUCHO (Relenting) Well, maybe I am a little headstrong... But, you know, it's awfully hard to forget what he called me. (Indicating Trentino) TRENTINO What I called you... Why, what did I call you? GROUCHO I don't remember. TRENTINO (With a little chuckle) Oh -- you mean... worm? GROUCHO (Smiling coyly) No, that wasn't it... TRENTINO Was it -- swine? GROUCHO (Same attitude as above) No... it was a seven letter word. TRENTINO (Thinking, then with a broad smile) Oh yes! -- UPSTART! GROUCHO That's it... Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and socks him across the face... and puts them in his own breast pocket. Trentino becomes apoplectic TRENTINO (Spluttering and stuttering) Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is an outrage! This man is impossible... My course is clear... this means war... (Turns to go and turns and yells to Groucho) You RUNT! GROUCHO I still like UPSTART the best. Trentino exits in a rage. Vera pretends that she is overcome by the scene VERA (Putting her hand to her brow) Oh, this is dreadful! If you'll excuse me I'll go to my room... She exits toward stairway MRS. TEASDALE (Excited - almost hysterical) Yes, it's awful! (To Groucho) Are you sure you did the right thing? GROUCHO Of course. Who ever heard of calling off a war after ordering all the ammunition? By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited from scene. Groucho looks around the room furtively to make sure he is not being observed and takes a large envelope from his inside pocket. GROUCHO The plans of war are in this envelope. I want you to take care of them -- no one will ever suspect you. He hands papers to her CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the scene below. Having heard the conversation, she exits from scene, and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. GROUCHO Guard them with your life... don't leave them out of your sight... If the enemy gets those papers we're lost. If they don't get them, we're lost. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you... Mrs. Teasdale, you're the salt of the earth. They don't come any better than you... MRS. TEASDALE (Modestly, with a bashful lowering of her eyes) Now -- er -- GROUCHO Well -- they might come better but they don't come any bigger... and the bigger the better. The bigger the betta you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking about horses, why don't you marry me. Come, come -- say yes and you'll never see me again. I'll go 'way if it means your happiness... MRS. TEASDALE Oh, your Excellency, you take me off my feet. Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuccessfully to lift her off her feet. GROUCHO (Angrily) Swell chance I've got taking you off your feet... Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesitation, Groucho slides into her lap and continues his passionate love making. GROUCHO Gloria -- may I call you Gloria? MRS. TEASDALE Why -- why -- of course. GROUCHO You can call me Gloria too. Gloria -- what a beautiful name. When I was born my mother named me Gloria -- two minutes later she found out her mistake... CUT TO door as Bob enters. He moves in the direction of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. BOB (Coming into scene) Father... GROUCHO (Looks up and sees Bob... without being a bit disturbed... remains on her lap) Take a letter... Bob takes out pad and pencil. BOB Who to? GROUCHO None of your business... Take another letter. Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in the manner of a studious business man with his hands behind his back... then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad. GROUCHO Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight -- (Turns to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, I could go for you in a big way -- (turns to Bob) However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty -- (Then to Mrs. Teasdale) -- and I don't say that to everybody -- (Now to Bob) Have not received last month's drawing account. How come? (To Mrs. Teasdale) Your neck is like a swan... Yours very truly. Now read it back. (Dashes back to Mrs. Teasdale's lap) BOB (Reading from pad) Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen. Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight. Gloria, I could go for you in a big way. However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty and I don't say that to everybody. Have not received last month's drawing account; how come your neck is like a swan. Yours very truly... GROUCHO (Rising to his feet) They'll know I mean business then they get that letter... see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too. BOB Yes, sir. (Exits from scene) GROUCHO (Turning to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd be crazy to stay here. MRS. TEASDALE Well, if you must go -- She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him. He removes a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her. He is about to put the hat on his head when something in the hat attracts his attention. He empties six baby rabbits out of the hat onto the table; puts his hat on and exits. CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up to the curb in his motorcycle and sidecar. Groucho comes out of house and walks directly to motorcycle. GROUCHO (To Harpo) I'm not taking any more chances. You sit in the sidecar... Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar. Groucho sits on driver's seat. The sound of the motor is heard and Harpo drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the motorcycle. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "E" SEQUENCE "F" FADE INTO Insert of program GEMS FROM THE OPERAS PREMIER DANSEUSE VERA TRENTINO DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company singing aria from some well-known opera. CUT TO orchestra box nearest proscenium arch. Harpo and Chico are there fast asleep leaning on each other. They are dressed in Inverness capes - wearing their high hats. Chico has a red band across his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in gold letters. An usher enters box with two people in the background. USHER (To Chico and Harpo) I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have the wrong seats. CHICO (Awakening) That's all right. We're not enjoying ourselves anyway. USHER You belong in that box over there - (Pointing to vacant box on opposite side of house - orchestra box) CHICO (To Harpo) Come on -- They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll casually across as singing is going on. Part of the way across, Harpo and Chico react to the singing of a very high note -- it's practically in Harpo's ear. He stops -- makes a terrible face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and he and Chico continue toward the box -- CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are headed for. Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in... Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box. Chico steps into box from stage. Harpo is about to follow when he spies a pretty girl in box above. He starts climbing up the proscenium arch to upper box -- the girl sees him, screams and dashes out of box. Harpo completes climb into box -- at this point the singing has just finished and applause breaks out. Harpo acknowledges the applause as if it was in appreciation of his climb -- after a few quick bows he starts out of the box after the girl. As he is running out of box into the foyer he bumps into Ambassador Trentino. TRENTINO (Stopping him) Wait a minute... Mrs. Teasdale is in the box below. The plans of war are in her purse -- you've got to get them -- I don't care how, but get them -- and when you do, bring them to 492 North Myrtle Road -- you'd better write that down. Harpo takes out a pencil with heavy lead and writes the address on the white and purple-edged silk band which is across Trentino's shirt bosom. Then he pushes Trentino's coat aside and from under his vest pulls the ribbon in the manner of a ticker tape -- tears it off -- and starts back to box. CUT TO LOWER BOX MRS. TEASDALE I wonder what's keeping His Excellency? CHICO Never mind His Excellency -- you gotta your pocketbook? MRS. TEASDALE Yes -- why? CHICO I wanna powder my nose... Mrs. Teasdale laughs good-naturedly and puts the purse behind her between her back and the back of the chair... as we go to stage where the shooting of the apple in "William Tell" is being enacted. William Tell is just placing the apple on his son's head -- he turns his back on his son and walks toward opposite side of stage with bow and arrow. CUT TO UPPER BOX Harpo takes a look at apple on the boy's head -- reaches down in box and comes up with a bow and arrow. He takes a good aim and lets the arrow fly... It hits its mark and the apple falls to the ground. William Tell, having arrived at spot from which he's going to shoot, turns to take aim and sees that the apple is gone. He picks up another, at the base of an apple tree and starts in direction of his son. CUT TO Harpo, who is watching William Tell. He reaches down into box and brings up another arrow -- takes aim and lets arrow fly. Again it hits its mark and the apple falls to ground. William Tell, reaching his place, turns to take aim and is bewildered at the sight of the second missing apple. The tree is bare and there are no more apples around. A whistle is heard coming over scene. William Tell turns in direction of the whistle and we CUT TO Harpo whistling with his fingers in his mouth. Reaching down into the box, he brings up a bag of apples and dumps all the apples onto the stage. CUT TO: Lower box. MRS. TEASDALE (Anxiously) If his Excellency doesn't get here soon, he'll miss the whole performance. CHICO He's-a not missing anything. He's in the dressing room with Vera Trentino. (Winks at her) MRS. TEASDALE (Jealously) In her dressing room? Why, what could he be doing there? CHICO He could be playing solitaire, but I don't think so. She jumps as if she's been goosed, and gives Chico an indignant look as he withdraws his hand from her back. MRS. TEASDALE What's the matter with you? CHICO What's the matter with you? MRS. TEASDALE You haven't been still a moment since you've been here. You act as if you had neurosis -- CHICO I no gotta new-rosis. My uncle he's- a got a flower shop -- he's-a gotta new-rosis. Mrs. Teasdale looks at him disdainfully, turns to look at stage, and jumps again. She and Chico turn to look at each other. She, of course, is indignant, while Chico smiles -- his hand is coming from behind her. She takes the purse from its hiding place and places it on the ledge of the box out of Chico's reach. CUT TO: Ballet dancers' dressing room. The CAMERA PANS along, showing several of the ballet dancers limbered up by other dancers. This is done as follows: - a girl stands against the wall on one leg while another girl raises the other leg up and down. The CAMERA passes three or four of the girls and comes to a stop on Vera and Groucho -- the latter is stretching her leg in the same manner. VERA (With exaggerated romance) I shall dance for you tonight as I've never danced before. GROUCHO This is a fine thing to be doing at my age. VERA Are you getting tired? GROUCHO (Still working leg) Not at all. When I was a boy back on the farm I used to pump my own water. CUT TO shot taking in the stage and Harpo. Harpo is in the foreground. On the stage is our hero and his valet. VALET (Singing to hero) Your love is waiting for you, my lord... HERO Fetch my hat - my hat - my hat -- Harpo tosses him a large hat - possibly a fireman's hat. HERO (Continuing singing) Fetch my boots -- (Harpo throws boots on stage Hero continues) Bring me my sword -- (Harpo throws a sword on stage --) Hero continues his song while Harpo litters the stage with various articles - a saddle - a chair, etc... CUT TO box below - Chico is trying to reach for pocketbook on ledge but can't get it. He whistles up to Harpo. Harpo looks down and Chico pantomimes to him to get the pocketbook, pointing to it. The singing stops and aplause follows -- the orchestra starts a selection -- which continues through following routine without any singing. CUT TO box above. Harpo takes out a fishing pole with a reel on it -- he unwinds reel and the line descends near box below and lands in a man's hair -- the man occupies an aisle seat in the orchestra -- near Teasdale box. CUT TO Harpo reeling in. CUT TO man on aisle seat -- The hook has caught onto his toupe and its being pulled off his head. CUT TO Harpo reeling in with great satisfaction in the belief that he has the purse -- on the end of the line comes the toupe. Harpo, astonished, looks down on the victim who, minus the toupe, now displays a shiny bald pate. Harpo takes out his fountain pen and releases gadget. The ink pours down on the bald spot of the man below and spreads into the form of a toupe parted in the middle. CUT BACK to Harpo - he places the toupe on the bare back side of a figure of Cupid carved on the arch. He is now suddenly attracted by something on the stage -- it is a pool with a practical fountain in its center. Harpo digs into a decorative flower box set in a groove in the proscenium arch. He brings out a real live worm and baits his hook -- stands up and casts... the line swishes through the air and the hook lands in the pool on the stage. The line instantly tightens and a large carp fish is yanked out of the pool... as the line is drawn in the fish nearly hits Mrs. Teasdale. She covers her face with her hands. Chico takes advantage of her action, grabs the line, removes the fish, and puts hook on handle of purse... then signals Harpo with a whistle and in the manner of a construction foreman, motions to him to start "hoisting". The line becomes taut and the purse is yanked out of view. Mrs. Teasdale uncovers her face and discovers that the purse is missing. MRS. TEASDALE (Hysterically) My purse -- my purse is gone! There is a buzz of excitement among the rest of the guests as they help Mrs. Teasdale look for the purse. Chico joins in the search. He grabs an elderly dignified man in the party, throws back his coat and starts to frisk him. CHICO He no got it --- As he turns to frisk another man, Mrs. Teasdale says MRS. TEASDALE This is dreadful -- I must see His Excellency at once --- (She exits from box) CUT TO ballet dancers' dressing room, where we find Groucho still pumping away on Vera Trentino's leg --- VERA Are you sure you're not tired? GROUCHO Tired! I'd like to stretch this into a week - Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene. The sight shocks her but she recovers herself sufficiently to hide the embarrassment. MRS. TEASDALE I hope I'm not interrupting. GROUCHO (Still pumping - looks over his shoulder at Mrs. Teasdale) Take a seat -- you're next. (He lets go of Vera's leg - and she exits) MRS. TEASDALE Your Excellency, something terrible has just happened. GROUCHO That's all right. I'll fix you right up. Grabs her ankle and starts to lift her leg - she gets away from him. MRS. TEASDALE My purse has been stolen -- the plans of war are in it. GROUCHO (Shouts) WHAT ? Walks up and down puffing furiously on his cigar MRS. TEASDALE I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect the Secretary of War. GROUCHO (Still pacing wildly) Don't bother me - I'm thinking -- What was that? MRS. TEASDALE I said - I suspect the Secretary of War. GROUCHO (Stopping dead in his tracks) THIS IS TREASON!! (Strikes a pose - raising his clenched hands; then to Mrs. Teasdale scornfully) What a fool I was to listen to your siren song and fall a helpless victim under the insidious spell of your irresistible charms -- MRS. TEASDALE But - GROUCHO (Paying no attention) You satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered, dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm of chaos and oblivion -- (Throws her an arch look) Not bad, eh? Starts for door CUT TO - Stage showing about eight bars of Vera Trentino's solo dance. PAN to lower box - Mrs. Teasdale's guests are gone but Chico and Harpo are there -- Chico is examining plans of war. CHICO This is-a fine - you do a good job - you make-a no trouble and you waste- a no time. Come on, we take-a the plans to the Ambassador. You gotta the address? Harpo opens coat and across his shirt front is the ribbon with "462 North Myrtle Road" on it -- the door of the box flies open and Groucho bounds in GROUCHO Hands up! Harpo and Chico throw their hands up and wheel around CHICO (Smiling) You no gotta no gun. GROUCHO Who said I had a gun... Gimme those plans, you paper snatchers -- He makes a grab at Chico -- Chico passes the plans to Harpo - Groucho goes after Harpo - the latter leans away over ledge of box and holds the plans out over the stage. As Groucho is trying to reach for the plans, Vera dances into scene, makes a graceful pirouette and with her outstretched hands takes the plans from Harpo. As she dances away she deposits the plans in her bodice... Vera's male dancing partner enters from the wings, walks out about four feet - stops and strikes a pose with uplifted hand. Vera is dancing on the opposite side with her back turned. CUT TO Groucho back stage - he sees the dancing partner - pulls a lever on switchboard marked "TRAP DOOR" - CUT TO stage as the dancer disappears through floor. CUT TO shot of Vera - preparing to turn to join her partner - she reacts as she sees -- CUT TO Groucho standing on her partner's former spot holding the same pose ... CUT TO full stage shot. Groucho and Vera are dancing together. During the dance Groucho tries to get the paper. He bends her way over in an effort to make the paper drop out of her bodice. Harpo and Chico, watching the struggle, quickly tear off their capes and coats and leap from the box on to stage in their shirts. This develops into a four-cornered adagio dance. She hands the papers to Harpo over Groucho's shoulder as she dances with him... Groucho rushes to Harpo and they do a twirl together. Harpo hands the paper to Chico over Groucho's shoulder. Groucho rushes at Chico and twirls with him - Chico in trying to pass the papers to Vera drops them on the floor. They all make a dive for them. Groucho gets the papers and dashes with them to the lower box just as Mrs. Teasdale enters same. The following is a close shot of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. The latter standing on stage right by the box. GROUCHO (Handing paper to Mrs. Teasdale) Here -- put these plans where no one will ever find them - sleep on them. CUT TO - Dressing room just a Vera, Chico and Harpo enter. VERA (Apologetically) I'm sorry boys -- I did my best -- it's all my fault. CHICO It's not-a your fault. It's-a his fault -- (Indicating Harpo; then to Harpo accusingly) I fix it for you to getta the plans -- you getta the plans -- then you losa- a the plans -- now we no gotta the plans of war... Harpo lifts up his shirt and tattooed upon him is the reproduction of the war plans... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "F" SEQUENCE "G" FADE IN - Mrs. Teasdale's living room. Night. Subdued light. We begin with an EXTREME CLOSE CLOSE SHOT of a hand depositing the plans of war in a vault. This vault is about the height of a man, the door flush with wall. The CAMERA TRUCKS back and discloses that the one depositing the papers is Mrs. Teasdale -- she is in negligee. She closes the vault door, pulls a cord, closing a pair of drapes which hide the vault. The CAMERA PANS to the balcony above where Vera Trentino, also in negligee, is watching the action in the living room below. She tiptoes quietly from the scene. Downstairs, Mrs. Teasdale turns out the center table light and moves toward the stairway. CUT TO Vera Trentino's bedroom. Vera comes toward window, raises it quietly and waves a handkerchief, evidently signalling somebody below. CUT TO EXTERIOR of house. Chico and Harpo are waving back to signify that they have caught the signal. The boys try to raise the window which is located next to the main entrance, but it is locked and they can't budge it. CHICO (Peeved) It's all your fault. Now we gotta steal the plans again -- You had 'em on you... you take a bath... and now we no gotta plans of war. They try the window again and find it hopeless CHICO (To Harpo) You wait here -- I'll let you in. Chico walks right in through the door, closes it behind him and then appears at the window. He raises it from the inside and Harpo climbs in through the window and joins Chico. CUT TO INSIDE. They are walking cautiously across the room when they hear the following coming over scene -- "Psst... Psst..." They stop and look around, trying to locate the source of the sound. We CUT TO the balcony and see Vera Trentino, still dressed in her negligee. Once more she tries to attract them. VERA Psst... The boys look up and see her. VERA (In a half whisper - mysteriously) In the safe -- behind the drapes -- (Pointing in the direction of the safe) CHICO (Also in a half whisper) All right -- I'll meet you behind the drapes. VERA (In a half whisper) No, no -- I mean the plans are in the safe. (Pointing to safe again) Harpo hasn't taken his eyes off of Vera during all this, makes a sudden dash for her, as she turns to her room. Chico stops him on the second or third step of the stairs. CHICO Come on, we gotta no time for that. Chico goes over to the safe and draws the curtains, disclosing safe. Harpo follows and takes from his back pocket a rather large electrical drill with a cord and plug attached to it. Chico takes the cord and plugs it into the wall socket. Harpo starts to drill the safe door, making a terrific noise -- the usual reaping whir-r-r of an electric drill. Chico grabs his hand and stops him from drilling. CHICO Wait a minute... we make too much noise... Turn on the radio so they can't hear what we're doing. Harpo goes over to radio and turns it on... a dance tune comes over the air. Harpo grabs Chico and whirls him around as if he were dancing with a dame... CHICO (Jerking himself away from Harpo) What's-a matter, you crazy... ? Chico goes to radio and adjusts dial to another station... the following comes over the air... RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER Calling car 125... car 125... go to vacant lot at Tenth and Elm... a woman walking around in her nightgown --- Harpo drops the drill and makes a wild dash for door obviously to go to the woman... Chico stops him. CHICO Come on, we gotta finish the job... RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER Calling car 67-W... car 67-W... go to Mrs. Teasdale's residence... burglars are attempting to break in. Chico rushes to phone... and dials... This shot excludes Harpo. CHICO (Into phone -- after slight pause) Hello -- Police department... ? That fellow's crazy... we're in the house already... Chico turns to listen to the next announcement - hanging onto receiver. RADIO ANNOUNCER The Teasdale residence is located at 232 Poloma Drive... CHICO (Into phone) You'll never find us, you gotta the wrong address... we're at 235 Poloma Drive... not 232... Look, it's a white house with a shingle roof -- shingle -- shingle -- (and sings to illustrate) Shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle all the way... (Stops singing) That's it, you got it... Hurry up, if no get-a here soon, we can't wait... Hangs up... looks around for Harpo, who is not there... CHICO Hey, Skippy... (Puts his fingers to mouth and whistles.) CUT TO Vera's bedroom. It is a CLOSE SHOT showing Vera in bed, shot from side of bed. She is under the bedcovers desperately trying to keep them from being pulled off her... TRUCK back disclosing Harpo on the other end of the bedcovers, trying to pull them off her... for a moment following, a tug of war goes on, Harpo pulling the covers about a foot his way and Vera pulling them back... The sound of Chico's second whistle coming over scene attracts Harpo, who lets go of the covers and runs out of the room. We pick him up outside of the room on balcony. Without hesitation he slides down the bannisters to join Chico who is waiting at foot of stairs. CHICO (Exasperated) Hey, you never get the safe open that way. (Looking up at Vera's room) We gotta try the combination... You gotta the combination? Harpo nods and takes from under his coat a woman's silk combination... winks and looks back in the direction of Vera's room... Chico snatches it out of his hand and throws it away. During above Mrs. Teasdale has come out on balcony, sees the boys but can't distinguish them in the room which is practically in darkness except for a few splotches of moonlight. She runs back into her room... CUT TO Mrs. Teasdale's room... she is at telephone dialing a number... MRS. TEASDALE (After a slight nervous pause) Hello? Your Excellency? There are burglars in the house... I want you to come right over. CUT TO Groucho's bedroom. He is at the other end of the phone in bed. GROUCHO (Into phone) You come over here. There are no burglars in my house. CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. MRS. TEASDALE (Into phone) But Your Excellency, you must -- I tell you there are burglars here... Oh, thank you... Please hurry... CUT TO Chico and Harpo in living room below at safe. Harpo has just finished putting a stick of dynamite in the door of safe... CHICO Light it... Now we blow him up... Harpo strikes a match, but Chico stops him from lighting it. CHICO Wait a minute... we gotta fix it so it don't make-a so much noise... What-a we do? Harpo takes out a large wad of cotton, tears it, hands two pieces to Chico... they both stuff their ears with large pieces. CHICO That's fine... Now, nobody hear the noise. Harpo lights fuse... each stands on either side of safe door waiting for the explosion... after a slight pause, there is a terrific blast of sound... and the screen is masked with smoke. The smoke clears away and the safe door falls to the floor. Groucho walks out of the safe putting the plans of war in his inside pocket... After a few steps he stops and addresses the boys... GROUCHO That woman is crazy... there are no burglars around here... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "G" SEQUENCE "H" FADE IN - to insert of newspaper which comes from background to CAMERA. A screaming headline reads: WAR DECLARED!! This insert goes past the CAMERA as another newspaper comes from the background. The headline reads: - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" DISSOLVE to Groucho's office. Groucho is standing in front of his desk reading a newspaper, which is spread over his desk. The headline is the same as in the second insert - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" Harpo is standing at the other side of the desk. GROUCHO (Pounding his desk) They're coming... (He recites the following command to Harpo) Ride through every village and town wake every citizen up hill and down tell them the enemy comes from afar with a hey-nonny-nonny and a ha-cha- char CAMERA TRUCKS back disclosing a real horse beside Harpo. GROUCHO There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land and one lamp if they're coming by sea. He and Harpo go to the window and look out. CUT TO SHOT of a steeple with three lighted lamps - CUT BACK to Groucho and Harpo GROUCHO They double-crossed me... they're coming by land and sea -- Be off, my lad! With a grand gesture, Groucho exits out of scene. Harpo grips pommel of the saddle with both hands and in his attempt to make a flying mount, vaults clear over the horse landing on the other side. He lets down a rope ladder from under the saddle, climbs the ladder, mounts the horse and starts off. DISSOLVE to CLOSE UP of Harpo riding at breakneck speed. As he looks grimly ahead he reaches down out of scene and brings up a three-cornered colonial hat and puts it on his head. DISSOLVE to a Moving Insert - Harpo bringing the horse to a stop in front of a farm house. He blows a blast on a regular army bugle... immediately a few old men rush out of the house in their nightgowns, carrying guns, and into the scene from all directions rush other men, answering the call, similarly attired. Harpo starts his horse and we DISSOLVE to him pulling up to another farm house. This house has a single door on the extreme end of it and a very large French window covering almost the rest of the house. Harpo stops and sounds the bugle call. This time there is no answer to his call. He waits a second, then turns his horse in the direction of the house and rides through the single door. After a short pause, the doors of the French window fly open and the horse runs out pulling a double bed which is on wheels. Harpo is standing at the foot of the bed, braced against the bedpost, holding the reins. There is an old couple, man and woman, fast asleep in the bed - (This couple might be the blase gentleman and young wife used by Peter Arno in his cartoons.) After riding a few feet Harpo leaps from the bed onto the horse's back and rides off leaving the bed and its occupants on the road. DISSOLVE to Harpo pulling up to another farm house. He stops, sounds his bugle. A very pretty young girl, in her night clothes pokes her head out of the second story window. Harpo takes a good look at her, leaps off his horse and dashes into the house. A moment later he comes out of the house with a feed bag and puts it on the horse's head.... then he dashes back into the house again. Almost instantly he comes tearing out of the house, followed by an old geezer in his nightgown, who is chasing him, with rifle in hand... He fires a few shots - DISSOLVE: END OF SEQUENCE "H" SEQUENCE "J" DISSOLVE through the shooting of previous scene to STOCK SHOT of artillery fire on battle field - a profile SHOT with all the activity of an actual battle, but without an indication of falling men. DISSOLVE from this to interior of Groucho's headquarters behind the front - a wooden shack. The sound of a distant booming of guns is heard over this scene. On the wall is a large war map with colored thumb tacks indicating the positions of Groucho's men and the enemy. Groucho, in the uniform of a Confederate General, (a Robert E. Lee make-up), is studying the war map with a few of his Generals. GROUCHO (Looking at a tack in a distant sector) Either there's a fly in the room or we've got a soldier in Africa. The door flies open and Bob, in a snappy uniform, enters excitedly and breathlessly. He faces Groucho with a quick salute and a click of the heels. BOB (Taking a dispatch from under his belt) A dispatch from the front, sir. Groucho snatches the dispatch from Bob's hand, tears it open -- reads it quickly -- claps his hand to his brow and staggers. The generals crowd about him. A GENERAL (Solicitously) Bad news, sir? GROUCHO Bad news -- its disastrous! A FEW GENERALS (Simultaneously) What is it? GROUCHO (Reading from dispatch) Private Moscowitz quits! (Groucho rushes to radio operator) GROUCHO Clear all wires... (The operator works key) GROUCHO The enemy has taken Hill 25, throwing twelve Hill-billies out of work... Our front is exposed to the enemy -- we'll have to bring up the rear... (Turning away, then turning back to Generals and continuing) P.S. Have misplaced flag of truce... look in upper lefthand drawer of my bureau... The whining of an approaching shell is heard and a shell about three feet long comes sailing through the open window, speeds through the room and tears through the opposite wall, leaving a clean-cut hole. Groucho rushes to window and closes it. CUT TO: SHOT of No Man's Land, with shells exploding in all directions. We see a head slowly appearing over the edge of shell-hole, looking through spy-glasses. It is Harpo... CUT TO: Inside of shell hole... Harpo registers that he has seen something of startling interest. He drops the glasses, scrambles out of shell-hole and runs out of scene. He rushes to his waiting motorcycle (without the side-car). The staff with the flag flying from it is attached to the handle-bars. He leaps onto the motorcycle seat and starts off. CUT TO: A war nurse, attracted by the roar of the motorcycle. She looks back, sees Harpo approaching and breaks into a run. As he closes in on her, she jumps into a trench to escape him. Harpo rides on a little further to the entrance of the trench and turns in, to continue his pursuit. A TRUCKING SHOT shows only the flag and staff, tearing along above the surface, with the accompanying roar of the motorcycle which is hidden from view. As it speeds along, soldiers are leaping up out of the trenches on every side to avoid being run down. This continues doing a zig-zag with abrupt turns... CUT BACK TO: Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is discovered there alone, stropping his sword on a razor strap attached to his desk. Chico enters... goes to time-clock on wall, puts his workman's card in it and punches it. Groucho, attracted by the bell of the time-clock, stops stropping and walks over to Chico, with sword in hand. GROUCHO Late again, eh? You haven't been on time once since this war started... (Puts sword in sheath) Get out there and fight... (Pointing commandingly in direction of battle field) CHICO I can't do it... GROUCHO (Surprised) Why not? You're the Secretary of War, aren't you? CHICO Yes, but I'm not working for you any more. I'm on the other side. GROUCHO (Like a surprised child) Is that so? I used to think you were two-faced - but you can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. Now - let's talk this thing over. Groucho sits down at desk and Chico pulls up another chair and sits at opposite side of desk facing Groucho GROUCHO (Blowing out a puff of smoke) Now -- how many men you got in your army? CHICO Well, we gotta one hundred thousand men. GROUCHO That's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand. CHICO That's all right. We let you have twenty-five thousand men -- and we both start even. GROUCHO (Enthusiastically) That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty. CHICO No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five. GROUCHO Well, we'll let that one go. Now -- how many battalions you got? CHICO We gotta two battalions and one Frenchman. GROUCHO I wish you were still working for me, so I could ask you to resign. How're ya fixed for cavalry? CHICO I've gotta five thousand men but no horses. GROUCHO That's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men. CHICO That's all right -- our men can ride your horses. GROUCHO Not a bad idea. If our horses get tired they can ride your men for a change. (Chico nods agreeingly) Now, I don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must promise to put them through their maneuvers. CHICO Oh, sure. We have horse maneuvers every morning. At this point, an unusually large shell comes crashing from above, imbedding itself, point down, in the floor without exploding. Groucho and Chico rush over to look at it. GROUCHO (Looking at shell) Acme Ammunition Company, eh? How do you expect to win the war with shells that don't go off? Now, if you were buying your stuff from me, you wouldn't have that trouble. Eureka Ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- or your money back. Let me show you some samples. Groucho opens door and yells to some one outside GROUCHO Bring in No. 47, line 8. Harpo enters, bent forward, tugging at a rope which tightens over his shoulder, in the manner of a Volga Boatman... at the end of the rope is a cannon, on two wheels GROUCHO (Pointing to gun) That's our latest number... our sixteen-inch Horowitz gun. (To Harpo) Load it up. Harpo pours a great quantity of powder into the cannon, then to make sure he has enough, he lights a match and looks into the hole. Groucho takes the lighted match from Harpo. He lights his own cigar, hands the match back to Harpo. Harpo pours in a little more powder, makes sure he has enough, then proceeds to ram the powder in the barrel with his horn. He rises and moves to wall toward which the cannon is pointed. He draws a target on the wall with a piece of chalk -- goes back to cannon. He picks up the firing string, and faces the target toward which the cannon is pointing. Chico puts his fingers into his ears. Groucho picks up a pencil from desk - taps it on desk - then raises both hands, in the manner of an orchestra leader. He holds this pose for a second - and on the down beat, Harpo jerks the string and there is a terrific explosion. The cannon fires out the back end instead of the front and blows a hole through the back wall. The two stare off in the direction of the hole. Groucho turns to Chico. GROUCHO With a gun like that you can kill some of your own men. CHICO That's-a pretty good. I'll take a dozen of them. GROUCHO Anything else? (Writing order on pad) CHICO (Mentally figuring) Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen hand-grenades, three kegs of powder -- and throw in some matches. GROUCHO (Writing) Fine. We'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery. By the way, how're you fixed for spys? CHICO Fine. We gotta him. (He indicates Harpo) GROUCHO So! -- He's on your side, too. CHICO Sure. GROUCHO Well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door. Harpo opens the door and discloses a dozen or more snarling wolves at the door. CUT TO - INTERIOR enemy headquarters. The booming of distant guns comes over the scene. Trentino is there with a Sylvanian general. GENERAL Something must be done immediately. The soldiers are getting discouraged. TRENTINO There's only one thing to do... we must capture Firefly. GENERAL But how? It's a very dangerous undertaking. TRENTINO (Standing near widow) Ask for volunteers. Some one must make the sacrifice -- someone -- (Stops to gaze out of window attracted by off scene roar of motor) Here comes Chicolini. Maybe he'll do it. (Walks away from window) Unless we can make Firefly our prisoner, we're lost. Chico enters. Trentino rushes over to him TRENTINO Chicolini, you've come just in time. We need a man who's fearless, brave. A man who's willing to die, if necessary. CHICO All right -- I'll go out and find one. TRENTINO Firefly must be captured at any cost. CHICO That's easy, I'll get him for you wholesale. TRENTINO It must be done right away. CHICO I can't do it right away. GENERAL Why not? CHICO I got a date with a General's wife. GENERAL Isn't that a little dangerous? CHICO (To General) Not unless you find it out. CUT TO: Interior of Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is on his feet addressing five or six generals, who are seated. Zeppo is at the desk writing the minutes of the meeting. GROUCHO Boys, I hate to do this, but if you generals want this war to continue you'll have to take a cut -- Bursting of a shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, fires a shot from his revolver through the window, hurriedly shuts it, then rushes back to Generals GROUCHO We can't afford to pay the money we've been paying. Now I don't want to lay anybody off. My motto in this war is: - "Live and let live". The bursting of another shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, turns his back to window, takes out a pocket mirror, holds it up in front of him and shoots over his shoulder out of window, taking his aim from the reflection in the mirror, like a trick marksman. As Groucho walks away from window, he hears another explosion outside. He rushes back to the window, takes a package of small firecrackers out of his pocket, detaches one of the firecrackers, lights it from his cigar and throws it out of the window. A very small explosion is heard. Groucho hurriedly shuts the window and rushes back to the generals, as we - CUT TO: THE OUTSIDE - A LONG SHOT of a dirigible (miniature) -- then we go to a CLOSE UP of the dirigible. On the bag, in large letters, is printed -- SYLVANIA G-62 The CAMERA PANS DOWN to the cabin of the dirigible. Chico and Harpo are standing at the open door looking down. CHICO Look! That's-a Firefly's headquarters. (Pointing down) We catch him right now. Harpo reaches back into the cabin, picks up an enormous hook and throws it out. The rope that is attached to the hook starts playing out rapidly. CUT TO -- LONG SHOT miniature of dirigible and rope dangling from it... Then CUT TO - SHOT of rope and hook as it approaches Groucho's headquarters. It hooks onto the roof of the shack and raises it off the ground. CUT TO - LONG SHOT - miniature of dirigible carrying the shack through the air. CUT TO - inside of headquarters. GROUCHO (To generals) Gentlemen, the overhead is killing us. Everything is going up. If we don't watch ourselves, we'll come down with a crash. Now -- all those in favor of taking a cut say "aye"... ONE GENERAL (Protesting) But Your Excellency! GROUCHO Carried unanimously. CUT TO - SHOT of dirigible carrying the shack. The shack just clears a steeple by a few inches. CUT TO - INSIDE of headquarters. GROUCHO Now go right out there and fight. (To one general) You go out there and relieve General Beauregard, and while you're at it, see what General Motors is doing. The general, without saluting, exits out of door and closes door behind him. GROUCHO (To another general) Call him back -- he didn't salute me. The second general exits out of door without saluting, closing door behind him. ZEPPO Father, he didn't salute you either. GROUCHO (Angrily) Attention! The remaining generals jump to their feet, stand at attention and salute. GROUCHO Go out there -- all of you -- and bring those generals back -- dead or alive. All of the generals exit through to door; the last one closing door behind him. GROUCHO Why don't those generals come back? ZEPPO I'll call them. GROUCHO Never mind, I'll go after them myself. Groucho goes to door, pulls it open, starts out -- CUT TO - EXTERIOR OF SHACK (against sky backing). Groucho is seen in the open doorway. He comes out and walks down the steps (there are three steps attached to entrance of door, with railing on each side. Groucho is about to step off into space. He grabs the railing and hangs by his hands.) GROUCHO Hey, Junior! Zeppo rushes to door and pulls him up by the hands. CUT TO - Inside as Zeppo finishes pulling Groucho in. Groucho scrambles to his feet, rushes to window, leans out of window backwards and looks up. CUT TO -- SHOT of dirigible as seen by Groucho. CUT BACK inside of shack as Groucho pulls in his head. GROUCHO Get my rifle. Zeppo runs for rifle... GROUCHO I'll get rid of them. Zeppo returns and hands rifle to Groucho. Groucho leans out of the window backwards and shoots up into the air... CUT TO - dirigible (miniature) as the bag explodes. The smoke fills the screen. As the smoke clears away we see Groucho and Zeppo descending side by side in two parachutes against sky background. GROUCHO (To Zeppo) Take a letter. Zeppo takes out pad and pencil ZEPPO To whom? GROUCHO To whom it may concern... Dear Gloria: The air has done me a world of good. I am five thousand feet above sea level speeding home to you. Can you arrange to meet me at twenty-five hundred feet? -- which is only asking you to meet me half way. Don't be surprised if I drop in on you any minute... Your fun- loving Dictator. Groucho and Zeppo descend out of scene, as Harpo and Chico come into scene from above, both suspended from the ropes of their parachutes... They are in a sitting position, with a board across their knees, playing cards... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "J" SEQUENCE "K" FADE IN - to a group of notables standing around a large table. Among them are Mrs. Teasdale and Zeppo. Groucho is the guest of honor, very gaily attired for the occasion. As we FADE INTO this scene, they are singing - ALL (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free! ZEPPO My dad is much too great for his position without a question. I'd like to offer this with your permission as a suggestion: I really think he should be king! ALL We really think he should be king! ZEPPO I really think he should be king! ALL He should be king! SOLO And wear a crown and everything. ALL And everything. SOLO I really think he should be king! ALL He should be king! GROUCHO From what I have been gathering, I think they think I should be king: I think they think I should be king! ALL He should be king! GROUCHO And wear a crown and everything. ALL And everything. He should be king! Then follows a musical interlude during which Groucho says: - GROUCHO (Speaking to audience) You know I think they think I should be king. (Then turning to the guests - singing) Although it would please me to govern the throng, suppose I were king and then everything went wrong. MRS. TEASDALE The king can do no wrong! ALL The king can do no wrong! The king can do no wrong! They all sit GROUCHO Of course you're All aware a king must have an heir some one to pass the family name along will some one tell me where I'd ever get an heir if a king can do no wrong ALL (Standing up) The king can do no wrong! (They all sit down) GROUCHO Suppose a pretty dame Into my castle came - And let us say that I was going strong. She might be stuck on me, but what good would it be, if the king can do no wrong. ALL (Standing up) The king can do to wrong! (Sitting down) GROUCHO King Solomon was game he gave each Girl his name to number them would make a list that long I'll bet his thousand wives led miserable lives if the king can do no wrong. ALL (Remaining seated) We really think he should be king and wear a crown and everything. GROUCHO They think I should - They think I should - They think I should - They think I should be king. (APPLAUSE) Mrs. Teasdale rises. MRS. TEASDALE My dear friends, in time of peace we should forgive those who fought against us, and so, I have invited our former enemies. (Applause) CUT TO door, as it is being opened by two pages. Trentino and Vera enter. They both stop and bow in acknowledgment of the applause coming over scene. As they walk toward table and out of scene, Chico and Harpo enter. The latter is carrying a carpet runner, rolled up under his arm. He flips the carpet runner away from him on the floor, holding onto one end. It rolls out and Harpo strides majestically down its length toward the table with Chico following. Harpo pauses, brings to light a cuspidor from under his coat, puts it on the carpet and spits into it, and continues on, following Chico, who is now ahead of him. Harpo breaks into a run and he and Chico dash madly to the table. They take seats on either side of Groucho and without hesitating, start to eat the food in front of them. The guests are standing. Trentino and Vera arrive at their places and everyone sits down. Harpo reaches for a large service plate with a pretty picture on it, pushes his plate away, breaks the service plate with a knife... it breaks into little pieces like a jig-saw puzzle. He mixes the pieces up, and then starts to put them together again ... Groucho watches him... then helps him... GROUCHO (Stopping Harpo as he tries to fit a piece) No, no, this is the one... (Picking up a piece and placing it...) A waiter places a dish of tasty food in front of Groucho... he is just about to dig into it with his knife and fork when Harpo turns the table toward himself. This brings Groucho's food to Harpo, and Chico's empty plate to Groucho... GROUCHO That was awfully good, I think I'll have a second helping... waiter... Snapping his finger to waiter off scene. The waiter immediately appears placing a second dish in front of Groucho. He starts to dig his knife and fork into it again when Chico turns the table toward himself... This brings his food to Chico... Harpo lifts his plate up and puts it down again when the table stops turning... this time Groucho has nothing in front of him... GROUCHO If I don't stop eating I'll get indigestion... A WOMAN GUEST (To the left of Chico... to Chico) Would you mind passing the salt? CHICO (Yelling to Harpo) Hey, she wants some salt... Harpo takes salt shaker from man to his right, places it in front of himself and gives the table a quick turn toward the woman next to Chico... Groucho is still without food. He rises and looks about table... Sees a dish of food in front of Trentino, who is seated at opposite side of table... Trentino is eating. GROUCHO (Yelling to Trentino) Ambassador, how's the food? AMBASSADOR TRENTINO (Looking up and turning in direction of Groucho) It's delicious, Your Excellency. GROUCHO That's all I wanted to know. He gives the table a quick turn and Trentino's plate disappears as it spins around toward Groucho... Just as it gets to Harpo, he lifts up the plate... the table goes on a few feet more and when it stops, Harpo puts down his plate and starts to eat... again Groucho has nothing... Groucho picks up his napkin and wipes his mouth. GROUCHO I couldn't eat another thing. (He stands up) Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce to you a man who is a prince of good fellows, generous to a fault, his own worst enemy and a devil in his own hometown... Applause... Groucho steps up on the table GROUCHO Thanks, I didn't expect to be called upon... However, in conclusion I want to tell you that I promised Mrs. Teasdale I'd marry her if we won the war.... Well, we won the war and I'm stuck... to the victor belongs the spoils... The table starts to turn slowly... Groucho starts to walk in opposite direction... staying in same place. GROUCHO In union there is strength... The table moves a little faster... Groucho increases his pace accordingly... CUT TO Harpo and Chico now seated beside each other turning the table... CUT BACK to Groucho... GROUCHO I feel that we are taking a step in the right direction, and that's what I call balling the Jack... Speed of table turning increases. Groucho keeping pace against it in tread-mill fashion... GROUCHO Now is not the time for political temporizing, all interests must be sacrificed for the common weal... CUT TO Harpo and Chico turning table... faster and faster... We CUT BACK to Groucho who is now galloping to keep his spot but he's not going any place GROUCHO All those who want to place their money on the wheel, step inside, faint heart never won fair lady... Money won't grow in your pocket like the hair on your head and now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. This FADES OUT on a shot with Groucho running madly, and gesticulating, taking in Harpo and Chico turning the table... END OF SEQUENCE "K" THE END

FADE IN: EXT. PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND - WINTER MORNING A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting for a bus. She's carrying books and looking very collegiate. A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past, SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES, and backs up. The Young Woman stares at her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is all about. Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD CHRISTMAS, age 30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit. LLOYD Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in twenty minutes and my driver's a bit lost. YOUNG WOMAN (heavy European accent) Go straight aheads and makes a left over za bridge. Lloyd checks out her body. LLOYD I couldn't help noticing the accent. You from Jersey? YOUNG WOMAN (unimpressed) Austria. LLOYD Austria? You're kidding. (mock-Australian accent) Well, g'day, mate. What do you say we get together later and throw a few shrimp on the barbie. The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away. LLOYD (CONT'D) (to self) Guess I won't be going Down Under tonight... He SIGHS and zips the window back up. 2. INT. LIMO Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S CAP on his head and drives away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER! The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE: DISPATCHER (v.o.) Carr 22, come in, car 22... Lloyd grabs his CB mike. LLOYD This is 22. DISPATCHER 22, where the hell are you, Lloyd? You're running late on the East Side pick-up. LLOYD Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my way. DISPATCHER (v.o.) Well hurry it up. And make sure you park legally. One more ticket and your ass is history. CUT TO: EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY This building is white with black spots on it, like a DALMATION. Over the front door is an awning shaped like a DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside. The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs hanging off the sides, a tail in the rear, and a dog's snout on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it. HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in a ridiculous BEAGLE COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it, and a swarm of DOGS pile out. HARRY Okay, gang, single file. You know the rules: No pushing, no humping, and no sniffing heinies... 3. The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR. PALMER, sticks his head out. PALMER Hey, why aren't those mutts on leashes? HARRY The same reason you're not on a leash, sir because it's demeaning and it chafes like hell. PALMER Just get them in here now! They all have to be bathed and clipped in an hour. Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but they pay no attention. He struggles to keep them from wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits them on a wall. HARRY You kids stay right here... As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall isn't a wall it's a flatbed truck. The truck drives away, taking the two dogs with it. HARRY (CONT'D) (at truck) Hey, wait a minute! Harry chases after the vehicle. CUT TO: EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined driveway. He gets out and looks up in awe at an IMPRESSIVE STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the front oor and RINGS THE BELL. The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON appears. She's 25 and gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when he lays eyes on her. MARY Hello. (beat) I'll be just a minute... 4. As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his arms, his hair, behind his ears... CUT TO: INT. LIMO - DAY Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the window, lost in thought. She's got a BRIEFCASE resting on her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps glancing at her in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he is speechless. Then: LLOYD Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere? MARY (dead-pan) How'd you guess? LLOYD Well, I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put two and two together. (beat) So where you heading? MARY Aspen. LLOYD Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear California's beautiful this time of year. Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another glance. LLOYD (CONT'D) Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas. MARY I'm Mary. ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate to impress her. LLOYD Uh, this isn't my real job, you know. It's only temporary. 5. MARY Oh? LLOYD Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I are saving up our money so we can open our own pet store. MARY That's nice. LLOYD (smiling) I got worms. MARY I beg your pardon? LLOYD That's what we're gonna call it: I Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms you know, like ant farms. A lot of people don't realize that worms make much better pets than ants. They're quiet, affectionate, they don't bite, and they're super with the kids. MARY Aren't ants quiet, too? Lloyd realizes she has a point. LLOYD Uh... well, sure but they aren't half as affectionate. And if you cut an ant's head off, it won't grow back. MARY I see. LLOYD And best of all, worm farming is a seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year industry. I wouldn't mind having a piece of that pie, if you know what I mean. To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks at her watch and crosses her legs. Lloyd can see that she's concerned about something. 6. LLOYD (CONT'D) What's the matter? Little tense about the flight? MARY (beat) Something like that. Lloyd SWIVELS AROUND and STARES over his shoulder at her. LLOYD It's really nothing to worry about, Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like in a head-on crash, or something. MARY Um, Lloyd, could please keep your eyes on the road. LLOYD Good thinking. There's a lot of bad rivers out there. Lloyd turns back to the steering wheel. CUT TO: EXT. AIRPORT - DAY Lloyd is putting the last bags on a cart. He closes the trunk and turns to Mary. She looks nervous and disconcerted as she reaches into her purse. She pulls out a ten-dollar tip. MARY Here you go. LLOYD Keep it. It was my pleasure. For the first time, Mary Swanson offers a slight smile. This makes her more lovely than ever. LLOYD (CONT'D) Relax, Mary. Just get trashed and pass out. You'll be there before you know it. MARY Thanks Lloyd. (beat) And good luck with your worms. 7. Then she PICKS UP HER BRIEFCASE and walks into the terminal, followed by a PORTER pushing her bags. Lloyd watches her, ENCHANTED, until she's out of sight. Afterwards, he climbs back into the limo, LOVESICK. For a moment he doesn't even have the energy to turn the key. He just drops his head against the steering wheel, DEVASTATED. There's a TAP on the window. Lloyd looks up to see a POLICE OFFICER standing there. POLICE OFFICER Come on, move it, you're in a red zone. Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away. CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and her eyes are focused straight ahead. She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN one dressed in an ARMANI SUIT, the other in a PLAID SPORTCOAT watch her. ARMANI SUIT She's gonna leave the briefcase at the foot of the escalator. You make the pick-up. PLAID SPORTCOAT Piece of cake. EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport window and SEES MARY WALKING ALONG. When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too. She puts down the briefcase and checks her coat pocket for her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He turns to see a car irectly behind him. LLOYD (to car's driver) Drive around me, you pinhead! When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION. 8. He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He starts to run into the terminal, then notices the Police Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and dragging him leg behind him like a palsy victim. INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid Sportcoat is reaching for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at each other, dumbstruck. INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post the departure times. He looks frantically at the confusion of numbers. LLOYD Damn! QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he watches as Mary's airplane taxiing away. EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who FOLLOW HIM AT A DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. HIS POV - his limo is being towed away under the supervision of the Police Officer. He takes off after it, but to no avail. LLOYD You can't do this! I'll lose my job! As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his fingers through his hair. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A dejected Harry climbs out. At the same time, a taxi pulls up and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's briefcase.) Both he and Harry climb the steps of the building. They disappear inside without acknowledging each other. 9. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up and parks. Inside are the Armani suit and the Sportcoat. They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE MENTAL). MENTAL Who the hell do you figure this guy's working for? SHAY I don't know, but we'd better find out... Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them. SHAY (CONT'D) Your ulcer? MENTAL It ain't gonna kill me. INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently toward the door of their apartment. INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they both plunk down in their favorite easy chairs. (Lloyd still has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY, tweets hello, but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY. The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the corner we see a miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt and worms. Here are a couple pieces of haggard furniture with stuffing spilling out of the gashes. HARRY I got fired again. Lloyd shakes his head. LLOYD I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but let's face it, you are one pathetic loser. No offense. HARRY None taken. Were you shitcanned, too? 10. LLOYD Of course not. (beat) I quit. HARRY Why'd you quit? LLOYD I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire me. HARRY Why didn't you wait and see if your suspicions were well-founded? LLOYD Winners control their own destiny, Har. Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one to him. HARRY You know, the thing that really chaps my ass is that I just spent my life savings turning my van into a poodle. (beat) The alarm alone cost me two hundred. LLOYD Big deal. That car's an old bomb anyway. HARRY What are you talking about? It's only six years old. LLOYD That's forty-two in dog years. They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry notices the briefcase. HARRY What's with the briefcase? LLOYD It's a love memento. HARRY Huh? 11. LLOYD The most beautiful woman alive. Her name was Mary. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran high, breasts heaved. She left this case in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life. End of story. HARRY What's in it? LLOYD DO you really expect me to go snooping around in someone else's private property? HARRY Why not? LLOYD (beat) It's locked. They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the parakeet starts to SQUAWK. The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to the PEEPHOLE. HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental are standing at the door. LLOYD (CONT'D) (WHISPERING to Harry) Friend or foe? HARRY (WHISPERING) We don't have any friends. Harry is still squinting out the peephole. HARRY (CONT'D) Can't recognize them. Could be student loan thugs again, or the IRS, or maybe somebody pissed off about that case of Girl Scout cookies you bounced a check on. 12. LLOYD Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The little swindlers gave me Peanut Butter Praline. HARRY Well, whoever they are, they look serious. One of them's even wearing plaid. LLOYD (cringing) That's a hostile pattern. I say we bail and get down to unemployment. Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the window and down the fire escape. CUT TO: EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out. Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY. INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs. GRABNER Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that neither I nor the unemployment epartment of the state of Rhose Island can do anything for you. (beat) You've run out of chances. You're unemployable. Remember last year? Middle of winter I busted my butt to GET YOU BOTH PRIME JOBS. TWELVE- fifty an hour, and you went and blew it! LLOYD Blew it? For your information, we only missed three days in two months. HARRY Yeah, and that was because of a blizzard 13. GRABNER (exploding) YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS! Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted. HARRY Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find something else for us. How about another crack at that Suicide Hotline? Grabner jumps up. GRABNER OUT!!!!! CUT TO: INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the bedroom. MENTAL The briefcase ain't here. He must've taken it with him. J.P. SHAY Shit. (beat) Well he's gotta come home sometime. Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage. MENTAL Maybe we should leave him a little message to let 'em know we're playing hardball. Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around the bird, who SCREECHES IN TERROR. MENTAL (CONT'D) (a la Tweety Bird) I taut I taw a puddy cat. Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone- chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird stops SQUAWKING. 14. MENTAL (CONT'D) (still Tweety) I did, I did... DISSOLVE TO: The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd and Harry climb out and mope up to their apartment building entrance. LLOYD Give me what's left of our dough. I'll go to the corner and buy a few necessities. Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills. LLOYD (CONT'D) What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night Train? HARRY Get Robitussin it's a better buzz. CUT TO: EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries. He stops at a newspaper machine, pulls out his WALLET and removes a quarter. He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE HAND to pick up the newspaper. He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper, and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET STILL INSIDE. Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks his pockets. NO MORE CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN struggles by using a WALKER. LLOYD Excuse me, little old lady, do you have change for a dollar? ELDERLY WOMAN Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't... LLOYD Well could you do me a favor and guard this while I go break a dollar? My wallet's locked in this machine. 15. ELDERLY LADY Of course, young man... Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as Lloyd EXITS a few seconds later with a handful of quarters. Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY, HER WALKER, AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he sees that SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO. CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRWELL - NIGHT A thoroughly beleaguered Lloyd is trudging empty-handed up the steps to his apartment. INT. LLOYD & HARRY'S APARTMENT The door opens and Lloyd ENTERS. Harry is sitting on the couch, looking almost comatose. HARRY Where's the booze? LLOYD It's gone. I got robbed by Grandma Walton. She got my wallet, too. Harry drops his head and lets out a MOAN. LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, man, cheer up. We've been own before. I'm sure we'll land on our heads somewhere. HARRY It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet Petey he's... he's dead. Lloyd looks touched by this. LLOYD Oh man, I'm sorry, Harry. What happened? HARRY His head fell off. LLOYD His head fell off? 16. HARRY Yeah, he was pretty old. Lloyd puts his hand on Harry's shoulder compassionately. LLOYD (hopeful) I don't suppose he had a warranty...? HARRY Nah, I bought him used. As Lloyd thinks about the unfairness of life, he grows upset. LLOYD That's it! I've had it with this ump! We don't have food, we don't have jobs, our pets' heads are falling off, we're surrounded by roving gangs of larcenous old LADIES... HARRY Okay, calm down. LLOYD No I won't calm down. Lloyd flops down in a chair. LLOYD (CONT'D) What the hell are we doing here anyway, Harry? We've got to get out of this town. HARRY Yeah, and go where? LLOYD I'll tell you where: someplace warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. (dramatic PAUSE) I'm talking about Aspen. HARRY Aspen? LLOYD That's right, Aspen. 17. HARRY I don't know, Lloyd, the French are assholes. LLOYD Let me ask you something: do you want to end up like Petey dead in some flea-ridden apartment, face- down on a Dear Abby column, with a soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Or do you want to enjoy your life? (beat) Come on, Harry, don't let Petey's eath be in vain. Don't you see what he was saying? Spread your wings, man. he was saying? Spread your wings, man. Fly. HARRY (confused) What are you talking about, Lloyd? His head fell off. (dawning realization) Wait a second, I know what you're up to. You just wanna go to Aspen so you can find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there. LLOYD That's bullshit. I'll drive. (beat) And what's so wrong about going someplace where we know someone who can plug us into the social pipeline? HARRY (torn) I don't know, Lloyd. I think we should stay here, hunt for jobs, and keep saving money for the worm store. I'm getting a little sick and tired of always running from creditors. Lloyd moves to the window and looks out at the gray, wintry cityscape. LLOYD You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry? I'm sick and tired of having to eek my way through life. I'm sick and tired of being a nobody. (MORE) 18. LLOYD (CONT'D) (beat) But most of all, I'm sick and tired of having nobody. There's a deadly SILENCE as they both think about this. Then Harry tries to lighten the mood. He opens his arms wide. HARRY Come on, Lloyd. Give us a kiss. LLOYD On the other hand, maybe you're right, Harry. Maybe we should stay here and try our luck in bankruptcy court. With all those lawsuits against us, I'm sure we'll win at least one. It could be a boost to our egos. Harry sees that Lloyd has a point. He stands and approaches Petey's cage. His eyes fill with tears. HARRY (emotional) Petey, I made a promise to you once, man... (thinking hard) ...and I'll be damned if I can remember what it was. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The Mutt Cutts van is going down the highway while Danny Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" plays on the soundtrack. The van drives past and we HOLD ON a sign that reads: "YOU ARE LEAVING PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. COME BACK SOON." VARIOUS OTHER AERIAL SHOTS of the car travelling down the road while the song continues to play. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY Harry's behind the wheel and Lloyd's in the passenger seat. The Animal's "We've Got to Get Out of This Place" is BLASTING on the radio and the guys are SINGING ALONG: 19. LLOYD & HARRY "We've got to get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do, We've got to get out of this place, Girl, there's a better life, for me and you..." Lloyd turns down the radio. LLOYD Well, we're finally doing it. Do you realize that in all the years we've known each other, this is the first time we've done this together. HARRY Been run out of town? LLOYD Taken a trip. Harry reaches over and UNDOES HIS SEATBELT. Lloyd watches, curious. LLOYD (CONT'D) Why'd you do that? HARRY What? LLOYD Take your seatbelt off. HARRY Because we just cleared the danger zone. LLOYD Huh? HARRY Don't you know anything, Lloyd? Ninety percent of all accidents happen within five miles of home. We've already traveled 6.3 miles. LLOYD THINKS ABOUT THIS. THEN: LLOYD Well what about the people who live around here? What if we got into an accident with one of them? 20. Harry considers this, then sheepishly puts his seatbelt back on. Lloyd opens a bag of Doritos and fiddles with the radio. HARRY Where'd you get those? LLOYD Bought 'em when we filled up. HARRY Lloyd, I thought we agreed to confer on all expenditures. We're on a tight budget, remember? LLOYD This didn't come out of our travel fund. I was able to scrape up twenty- five bucks before we left. You know, so we could live in style. HARRY Where'd you get twenty-five extra bucks? LLOYD I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C. HARRY You mean the blind kid? LLOYD That's right. Lloyd looks out the window guiltily. HARRY What did you sell him, Lloyd? LLOYD Just some odds and ends. HARRY Specifically? LLOYD Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, Petey, three comic books a second, are you telling me you sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Well who else was I gonna sell it to? HARRY But Lloyd, Petey didn't even have a head. 21. LLOYD Put your mind at ease, friend. I took care of it. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY At the bottom of the stairs leading up to the building is a little blind boy, BILLY. He sits in a wheelchair playing with a PARAKEET WHOSE HEAD IS SCOTCH-TAPED ON. He throws the ead bird up, but it flops into his lap. BILLY Fly! Joe Mental and J.P. Shay approach and climb the steps. CUT TO: CLOSE ON A NOTE - taped to Harry and Lloyd's apartment door. It reads: TO ALL OUR LOVED ONES - PACKED UP AND DROVE TO ASPEN - HAVE A NICE LIFE - LLOYD AND HARRY. PULLBACK to reveal Joe Mental and J.P. Shay. MENTAL Those bastards. They're rubbing it right in our faces. J.P. SHAY Shit! Andre will have a goddamn aneurysm if we don't get that briefcase back. MENTAL Don't worry, we'll get it back. And I'll tell you something else. They ain't gonna reach Aspen, either. I'll make sure of that. Mental takes out more ANTACID PILLS and starts to chew on them. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A pissed-off Shay and Mental EXIT the building. Mental pops more antacid pills into his mouth as they descend the stairs. Little Billy is still tossing the lifeless parakeet into the air. 22. BILLY Come on, boy, fly! Plop. Then Billy hears Shay and Mental on the steps and CALLS OUT: BILLY (CONT'D) Excuse me, mister. Is there something wrong with my bird? Mental picks up the bird, studies it, then angrily and WINGS IT DOWN THE STREET as hard as he can. MENTAL Don't worry, Ironside, he just flew south for the winter. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON Harry is still driving while Lloyd studies a map spread out before him. HARRY How far have we gone? LLOYD According to this map, about an inch and a half. HARRY Shit. We're gonna need a smaller map or we'll never get there. We don't have enough gas money. LLOYD Relax. We have more than enough. HARRY I believe you're wrong, Lloyd. LLOYD And I believe I'm right, Harry. HARRY I still say wrong, Lloyd. LLOYD How much you wanna bet? HARRY I don't bet. 23. Lloyd looks at his friend, incredulous. LLOYD What do you mean you don't bet? HARRY I mean I don't gamble, you know that. Never have and never will. LLOYD Oh, bull. I'll bet you our next meal that I can get you gambling before the day's out. HARRY There's no way, Lloyd. You can't do it. LLOYD I'll give you three-to-one odds. That's three feedbags if you win, against only one if you lose. HARRY You're wasting your money, Lloyd. I already told you, I don't gamble. LLOYD Okay, five-to-one I can get you gambling before the day's out. HARRY Sorry, pal, no way. LLOYD Make it ten-to-one. Harry sticks out his hand. HARRY You got yourself a bet, sucker! As Harry SHAKES LLOYD'S HAND, Lloyd breaks into a BIG SMILE. Harry immediately realizes he's been had. CUT TO: EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON The Mutt Cutt van is sandwiched between mountainous tractor- trailer trucks. 24. INT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a booth, surrounded by tables of tough-looking TRUCKERS. Harry oesn't look happy. A middle- aged, no-nonsense WAITRESS approaches their table with a couple of burgers and drinks. She puts them down in front of the boys and starts to walk away. LLOYD (to Waitress) UH, EXCUSE ME... The Waitress reluctantly returns to the table. LLOYD (CONT'D) What's the soup du jour? WAITRESS It's the soup-of-the-day. LLOYD Sounds tasty. I'll have a bowl. WAITRESS (sarcastic) Anything else before I leave the area? HARRY Actually, this chocolate milk isn't mixed very well. Could you please bring me a spoon? The Waitress SIGHS and picks up the milk. Then she BLOWS INTO THE STRAW, MIXING THE DRINK. WAITRESS There. Now you don't need one. The guys watch her stomp away. LLOYD FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAID- back country-folk, don't it, Harry? Harry wipes off his straw with a napkin. As he moves to put it in the ashtray, he accidentally KNOCKS OVER THE SALT SHAKER. 25. LLOYD Uh-oh... HARRY What's the matter? LLOYD You spilled the salt. That's bad luck. We're driving across the country and the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss a handful of salt over your right shoulder. HARRY What for? LLOYD Because that's good luck. Harry shrugs, shakes some salt into his palm, and flings it over his shoulder. Suddenly they hear a YELP. MALE VOICE (o.s.) What the fuck?! LLOYD Or was it the left shoulder? They turn and see a burly TRUCKER wiping salt out of his eyes. TRUCKER Who's the dead man threw shit in my eye? The huge Trucker stands and squints at Lloyd and Harry. He's wearing a FOAM BASEBALL CAP that says: WINE 'EM, DINE 'EM, SIXTY-NINE 'EM. HARRY It was a terrible accident, Sir. Believe me, I would never do anything to offend a man of your size. Please accept my most sincere apology. The Trucker GROWLS and approaches the table, egged on by his equally burly FRIENDS. BURLY FRIEND #1 Teach him a lesson, Sea Bass! 26. Sea Bass glares down at Harry's hamburger. SEA BASS You gonna eat that? HARRY Um... the thought had crossed my mind. At this, Sea Bass leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF TOBACCO SPIT ONTO THE HAMBURGER. SEA BASS Still want it? Harry stares at the burger non-commitally. HARRY Nah, you go ahead. Sea Bass picks up the burger and walks back to his table, to the LAUGHTER of his friends. CUT TO: EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON J.P. Shay is at the gas pump filling the black Cadillac while Joe Mental stretches his legs. A large truck pulls away, REVEALING THE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN MUTT CUTTS VAN. Mental smiles at this, and we CUT TO: INT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ The Waitress drops the check on Lloyd and Harry's table and STOMPS away. Harry studies the bill and SIGHS. HARRY Perfect. I'm out eight bucks and I still haven't eaten. LLOYD Well if you'd stop picking fights with the locals... (brightening) Wait a second. I think I just had an idea. Follow me... Lloyd stands and walks over to Sea Bass and his pals. A nervous Harry trails after him. 27. LLOYD (CONT'D) Excuse me, gentlemen, I'd just like to apologize for that unpleasant scene a little earlier. SEA BASS Huh? LLOYD What I'm trying to say is, my friend and I would like to buy you guys a round of beers, just to bury the hatchet. Harry stares at Lloyd like he's out of his mind, but the Truckers seem to like the idea. SEA BASS Make it four boiler-makers. LLOYD Whatever you want, sir. I'll have the waitress send them over. Oh, and fellas hope to see you again down the road. Lloyd and Harry move away from the table toward the CASHIER. HARRY Lloyd, what are you doing? You know we can't afford to buy them drinks. Lloyd hands the Cashier their check. LLOYD Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check. They said just add this to their tab. CASHIER (skeptical) Sea Bass said that? LLOYD Well, if that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass... He points across the room to Sea Bass and company. Sea Bass NODS TO THE CASHIER AND GESTURES TO HIS TABLE, NOT WANTING TO MISS OUT ON HIS FREE DRINK. The Cashier is convinced. CASHIER Okey-dokey, if that's what he wants... 28. Harry smiles at this. He grabs a couple Beef Jerky's, a candy bar, and a copy of The National Enquirer off the counter. HARRY Oh, and put these on there, too. CASHIER You got it. LLOYD (to Cashier) By the way, how far is it to Rhode Island from here? CUT TO: EXT. TRUCK STOP CAFÉ - AFTERNOON The front door BURSTS OPEN and a red-faced Sea Bass STORMS OUT, followed by his buddies, the Cashier, and the Waitress. SEA BASS I'm gonna kill those sons-of-bitches! CASHIER Hurry and you'll catch 'em. They was on their way to Rhode Island. The Truckers jump in their rigs and RUMBLE AWAY in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION our boys are headed. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON The Mutt Cutts van breezes by. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON A jubilant Harry's driving and chewing on a mouthful of Beef Jerky. LLOYD I just wish we could've seen Sea Bass's face when he got the bill. HARRY I hope we never have to. LLOYD Don't worry. That fish-head is probably half-way to Providence by now. 29. HARRY I hope so. Harry checks his rear-view mirror nervously. LLOYD Hey, stop the car. I gotta take a whiz. HARRY Are you crazy? I'm not stopping now. What if they figure out we went the other way. They'll be on us in no time. LLOYD But I gotta go. What am I supposed to do? HARRY Hold it. LLOYD I can't hold it. I'm about to explode. HARRY Well... just take a whiz in an empty beer bottle. There's a couple on the floor in the back seat. LLOYD Are you serious? HARRY Yes, I'm serious. I'm not stopping now. We could get killed. Lloyd SIGHS. He takes an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE from the back seat and UNZIPS his fly. Suddenly we hear a PEEING SOUND. Then: LLOYD Uh-oh... HARRY What's the matter? LLOYD The bottle's almost full and I'm still going. HARRY Well stop going. 30. LLOYD I can't stop once I already started, you know that. Quick, get me another bottle. Harry can BARELY HOLD THE STEERING WHEEL as he reaches way in the back seat for an empty. LLOYD (CONT'D) Jesus, be careful! You almost went off the road. HARRY I'm sorry, Lloyd. I'm doing the best I can. He hands Lloyd another empty and Lloyd quickly makes the switch. LLOYD Here, hold this. Before Harry knows it he's holding the full BOTTLE OF URINE. EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY As the Mutt Cutts van travels down the highway, it passes a STATE TROOPER on a motorcycle hidden in the bushes. The Trooper takes off after them. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN Harry is doing his best to steer while now holding FIVE FULL BOTTLES AND Lloyd is still going at it in the passenger seat. HARRY What are you, a goddamn camel? LLOYD Hey, I haven't gone all day. Just then they hear a LOUDSPEAKER: STATE TROOPER (o.s.) Pull over! They turn to see the POLICE MOTORCYCLE cruising right beside then. Harry rolls down his window and CALLS OUT: HARRY Huh? 31. STATE TROOPER PULL OVER! Harry glances down at his sweater he's wearing, then back at the Trooper. HARRY (calling out) No, it's a Cardigan! But thanks for noticing! He rolls his window back up and turns to an equally baffled Lloyd. HARRY (CONT'D) Jesus, what is this, the fashion police? The Cop turns on his SIREN. STATE TROOPER PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY The STATE TROOPER is walking up beside the stopped Mutt Cutts van, staring at it with isapproval. STATE TROOPER License and registration, please. Harry hands him the papers. STATE TROOPER (CONT'D) You know, you fellas were all over the road back there. HARRY Yes, sir, we had a little... ifficulty in the car. STATE TROOPER Uh-huh. (beat) Have you boys been doing a little rinking maybe? HARRY No, sir. 32. STATE TROOPER Then what's that? He points to the OPEN, FULL BEER BOTTLES hidden in the seat between them. HARRY Oh, that's nothing, sir. STATE TROOPER Do you know it's against the law to rive with an open alcohol container in this state? LLOYD But, your honor, he's telling the truth. It's not beer. The officer smirks. STATE TROOPER Is that right? The Trooper reaches in and picks up one of the bottles. He inspects the beer label, then MOVES THE BOTTLE TO HIS LIPS. HARRY Sir, I wouldn't TROOPER --You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you. LLOYD (under breath) YOU WOULD, TOO... Harry shoots Lloyd a look as the Trooper begins GULPING down the piss. He pauses uncertainly and a SICK LOOK COMES OVER HIS FACE. He takes a DEEP BREATH. Then: STATE TROOPER (pained) Get the hell out of here. CUT TO: The Mutt Cutts van is pulling back onto the highway while the officer remains in the breakdown lane with his hands on his knees. CUT TO: 33. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The van is making steady progress through the dark night. INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - NIGHT Lloyd is driving now while Harry sleeps in the passenger seat. The song, "Cut Flowers" by The Smithereens, starts to play as Lloyd FANTASIZES about his future in Aspen. DISSOLVE TO: LLOYD'S FANTASY: Lloyd is walking up the steps of a luxurious, snow-covered chalet, carrying Mary's briefcase. The sky is absurdly blue and children are making a snowman on the lawn. It's all out of a dream world. He KNOCKS on the door, tentatively. Mary opens it. She looks at him, then at the briefcase, and breaks into the BIGGEST, SWEETEST SMILE he's ever seen. Then she slowly backs into the house, gesturing for him to follow... Lloyd follows Mary down a hallway. As he trails after her, she pulls off her shirt, revealing her bare back, and glances over her shoulder at him. CAMERA MOVES around a corner and now we're in a STEAMY BATHROOM. The shower is running and we see the silhouette of two people behind the curtain. LLOYD (v.o.) OOH... OOH... MARY... MARY (v.o.) How does that feel, Lloyd? LLOYD (v.o.) MMMM... TINGLY... INT. SHOWER CLOSE ON LLOYD - we see he's taking the TEGRIN CHALLENGE, with different shampoos on either side of his head and a noticeable part down the middle. MARY (o.s.) How's the other side? 34. LLOYD Nothing. Nothing at all. MARY (o.s.) Lloyd, will you wash my nipples...? ON MARY - her hair is slicked back, making her look better than ever. As the CAMERA PANS DOWN toward her breasts, we are surprised to see not breasts but a SET OF HEADLIGHTS SUPERIMPOSED OVER HER CHEST AREA. The headlights FLASH ONCE. Then TWICE. ON LLOYD - he blinks, confused at what's happening. JUMP CUT TO - an eighteen-wheeler is ROARING RIGHT TOWARD THE MUTT CUTTS VAN on the highway. Lloyd quickly veers back into his lane and avoids tragedy by a whisker. A shaken Lloyd lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF, and we CUT TO: EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON HOTEL - NIGHT The Mutt Cutts van is parked outside this seedy establishment. A neon sign blinks: GROUP DISCOUNTS - HAVE YOUR NEXT AFFAIR HERE. HARRY (v.o.) I don't know, Lloyd, I feel a little sleazy staying here when we're not even engaged. LLOYD (v.o.) Hey, it's the only motel that charges by the hour. We can't afford anything else. INT. BATHROOM - SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL Lloyd and Harry are sitting in a large, HEART-SHAPED JACUZZI. Lloyd is sipping a beer and Harry is absorbed in the Enquirer as the water swirls around them. LLOYD Yep, this sure is the life. Cold beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink sheets... You know, there's only one thing that could make this moment any better. 35. HARRY What's that? LLOYD If you had a nice set of knockers. HARRY That's two things, Lloyd. LLOYD Right now I'd settle for one. Lloyd takes a swig of beer. Harry puts down the paper and looks around at the romantic decor. HARRY I don't know, Lloyd, these places just don't do it for me. Brings back too many memories. LLOYD What happened, Harry? Some little filly break your heart? HARRY Nah, it was a girl. Fraida Felcher. We stayed at a place like this once No-Tell Motel out on Route 31. LLOYD Felcher? You mean the babe who worked for the tractor company? Harry nods. HARRY The same. We had this incredibly romantic time. Boy, I thought we'd be together forever. (SIGHS) Then about a week later, right out of the blue, she sends me a John Deere letter. LLOYD That's cold, Har. Give you any reason? HARRY I called her up and she gave me some crap about me not listening to her enough or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention. 36. Harry reaches for a beer and busts it open. He takes a big gulp. HARRY (CONT'D) Thing that really hurts is I think she was seeing another guy. Never id find out who. ON LLOYD - he does his best to hide his GUILT. CUT TO: EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL - NIGHT We see that the black Cadillac is parked a few cars over from the Mutt Cutts van with J.P. Shay in the passenger seat. PAN OVER to a payphone. Inside is Joe Mental. Outside the booth, an ANXIOUS MAN impatiently paces back and forth as he waits for the phone. MENTAL (into phone) The boys are holed-up in a little love nest for the night. I think they're a couple of fucking weirdos. INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT NICHOLAS ANDRE is pacing around the room with a cordless phone. He's in his late 30s, wears a ponytail, and dresses in Aspen/Rodeo Drive chic. ANDRE What in hell are those guys up to? Is it possible that they're Feds? INTERCUT CONVERSATION MENTAL Unlikely from what I've seen. The ANXIOUS MAN taps on the phone booth and motions for Mental to hang up. ANDRE I don't like this one goddamn bit, Mental. You and Shay were supposed to grab that bag so we could end this shit. Now I don't know what the hell's going on. Andre SIGHS and wipes some perspiration from his upper lip. The Anxious Man KNOCKS on the booth again. 37. MENTAL Hold on a second, Mr. Andre... Mental puts the phone down and motions the Anxious Man closer to the booth. The Man moves forward a few inches. Mental motions him even closer. When he's about a foot away, Mental punches his hand through the glass of the booth and knocks the Anxious Man out cold. Then Mental picks up the phone again. MENTAL (CONT'D) Sorry, boss. You were saying...? ANDRE Look, Mental, just find out what they're up to. I want to know who these guys are. MENTAL Don't worry. I'm on it. Mental hangs up the phone, looks around to make sure he's not being watched, then approaches the parked Mutt Cutt van. He's joined by J.P. Shay. As they get within five feet of the vehicle, we hear a LOW GROWL. They stop in their tracks and turn, expecting to see a dog but there isn't one. They both take another step forward, and the GROWL GETS LOUDER AND MEANER. Again, Mental and Shay stop. He peeks under the car. Nothing. SHAY What the fuck...? Finally, Shay reaches for the door handle. As soon as he touches it, though, the car alarm goes off but instead of a siren, it's the incredibly annoying sound of a POODLE YAPPING. Mental jumps back and pulls his gun. MENTAL Where's the goddamn dog? Shay shrugs, nervous. The YAPPING grows EVEN LOUDER now, forcing a flustered Shay and Mental to retreat from the scene. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWANSON CHALET - ASPEN - NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT of a luxurious mountainside home. 38. INT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET An agitated Mary Swanson (the young woman who lost her briefcase) is pacing back and forth in AN IMPRESSIVE, ANTIQUE-FILLED LIVING ROOM. SEATED ON A COUCH ARE HER FATHER KARL AND HIS MUCH- younger second wife, HELEN. MARY It just doesn't make any sense. I left the money exactly where they instructed me to. HELEN Actually, it makes a great deal of sense, Mary. We should have called in the authorities the moment we knew Melvin had been kidnapped. KARL Now, Helen, we've been through this already for Christ's sake, Karl, these bastards will extort us into bankruptcy if we let them. MARY But I'd never forgive myself if something happened to Melvin. KARL Stop upsetting my daughter, Helen. She's been through quite enough already. MARY It's not her fault, Daddy. We're all a little on edge. Just then the living room door opens and the pony tailed Nicholas Andre ENTERS. He looks appropriately solemn. ANDRE Has there been any word, Mr. Swanson? KARL Nothing yet, Nicholas. Andre looks upset. ANDRE Perhaps I should call off the Preservation benefit this weekend. 39. IT WOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO RE- schedule. HELEN No, Nicholas, it's imperative that we carry on as usual. The atmosphere in the room couldn't be more somber. Karl Swanson holds his hand out to his aughter. KARL Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll do everything they ask. Nothing's going to happen to Melvin, I promise you. MARY Thank you, Daddy. Karl Swanson looks out the window, concerned. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The black Cadillac pulls over to the side of the road. Joe Mental gets out of the car and props the hood open. He takes out his gun, SLIDES IN A NEW CLIP, and puts it back in his pocket. MENTAL (to Shay) Lie down on the front seat. After they pick me up I want you to follow us. Then he folds his arms and the two killers wait for the van to come along. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY Lloyd taps Harry's shoulder. LLOYD You're it. Harry taps Lloyd back. HARRY You're it. Lloyd immediately taps Harry. 40. LLOYD You're it. Quitsies. HARRY (tapping him back) Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies. No startsies. Lloyd shakes his head, defeated. LLOYD Damn, you're good, Harry. (beat) Hey, didn't I tell you this trip would be a blast? EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Joe Mental squints down the road, sees the Mutt Cutts van approaching, and starts WAVING HIS HANDS to flag them down. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN Through the windshield we can see Mental waving. The guys don't slow down, through. The just WAVE BACK as they BLOW RIGHT BY HIM. Harry also toots the horn, which makes the SOUND OF A DOG BARKING. LLOYD See, I told you these country folks were friendly, Harry. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY As an angry Mental watches them disappear down the road, Shay sits up in the front seat. SHAY What happened? MENTAL These fuckers are really pissing me off now. CUT TO: EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER THAT DAY We hear The Zombie's 'Time of the Season' as the van flashes by. 41. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY HARRY Refresh my memory on something, Lloyd: what exactly do we do when we get to Aspen? LLOYD Well the first thing we do is take a good deep breath of that famous Aspenese air. HARRY Fresh, huh? LLOYD The freshest. They say on any day of the week you can smell a moose-fart ten miles away. HARRY (sincere) Wow... talk about paradise. (beat) And after we're finished breathing, what next, Lloyd? LLOYD Then we make a splash on the social scene. Just then, Lloyd notices something up the road. LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, look the golden arches. Pull over, I'm starving. CUT TO: EXT. MCDONALD'S - DAY The Mutt Cutt car is at the drive-through window. MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE ...That's two cheese burgers, two fries, and two medium Cokes. Five seventy- two. Harry hands a ten-dollar-bill to the Employee, who returns a handful of change. HARRY Thanks. 42. Then, before he can give them the bag of food, the guys absentmindedly DRIVE OFF. As they pull out of the parking lot, the McDonald's Employee sticks his head out the window and WAVES THE BAG OF FOOD at them. MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE Hey! But the guys are already around the corner. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The Mutt Cutt van is on the road again, cruising along. INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - DAY HARRY About this social scene how do you expect a couple mutts like us to make a splash in the land of pedigrees when we don't even have any money? LLOYD Look, once we drop the briefcase off to Mary, she'll be so grateful she'll plug us right into the party circuit. After that, we do a little of the ski SCENE, HOB-NOB WITH THE ELBOW- rubbers, and walk out of there in the spring with enough business connections to open a first-class worm operation. You see, you don't get rich working, Harry. You get rich knowing the rich. HARRY Where'd you hear that? LLOYD Some bum down at unemployment. Harry thinks about this. HARRY I don't know, Lloyd. LLOYD What's the matter? HARRY Money does terrible things to people. I mean, we could lose our friendship. 43. Lloyd thinks about this. LLOYD Yeah? So? Harry nods and looks out the window. Suddenly SOMETHING DAWNS ON LLOYD. LLOYD (CONT'D) Hey, wait a second. Hold everything. HARRY What? LLOYD Aren't you forgetting something? Harry thinks about this. LLOYD (CONT'D) Back at Mickey D's? A little matter you might've overlooked...? Harry wracks his brain, but to no avail. HARRY What? Lloyd rolls his eyes. LLOYD My change. As a sheepish Harry gives Lloyd his change, they notice something up ahead. HARRY & LLOYD'S POV - ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, JOE MENTAL IS WAVING THEM DOWN AGAIN. This time the Cadillac is PARKED SIDEWAYS ACROSS THE ROAD, BLOCKING THEIR PATH. HARRY I think this guy's in trouble. Why on't you pull over. Lloyd looks at Harry. Harry remembers that he's driving. He pulls the car to the side of the road. Mental approaches the passenger window. 44. MENTAL You guys going as far as Des Moines? My car died and I'm late for a business meeting. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY They're back on the highway and Joe Mental is SITTING BETWEEN THEM, looking extremely ANNOYED. The guys are in the middle of an argument. HARRY It's a fruit. LLOYD It's a vegetable. HARRY I'm telling you, it's a fruit. LLOYD And I happen to know it's a vegetable. HARRY Tell you what, why don't we leet an impartial judge decide. LLOYD Fine with me. Harry turns to Joe Mental. HARRY Hey, Mr. Mentalino, settle our bet: Are jelly beans fruits or vegetables? Mental grits his teeth as he pops a few antacid pills in his mouth. He reaches into his coat pocket and we see a GLINT OF STEEL. Just when he's about to pull the gun out, though, Lloyd hits the breaks and SKIDS to a stop beside a bunch of hitchhiking MIGRANT WORKERS. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER The trio have picked up SIX MIGRANT WORKERS and everyone is crammed into the car including a CRYING BABY who sits on a pissed-off Mental's lap. Someone's playing a FLAMENCO GUITAR and the gang is SINGING a SPANISH SONG. DISSOLVE TO: 45. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER STILL The Migrant Family is gone now. Harry and Lloyd are playing a game while Mental stares straight ahead, furious. His eyes are watering and he looks ill. LLOYD Okay, Harry, my turn. Let 'er rip. Harry lifts a cheer and lets out a LOUD FART. Lloyd SNIFFS a few times, then closes his eyes and WAFTS it up toward his nostrils, as if it was the aroma of a fine wine. LLOYD (CONT'D) Hmmm... full-bodied, delicate bouquet, aged to perfection will rip no fart before it's time. (beat) Come on, Marquis of Dingleberry's rules: you got ten seconds. All right. I'll say: cheese doodles, chili dog extra onions, garden salad with blue... HARRY And...? LLOYD Kit-Kat bar. Harry throws up his arms, defeated. He hands Lloyd a buck. HARRY You're the best, man. (beat) Okay, my turn. LLOYD Where are your manners, Harry? We have a guest. Harry punches Mental's shoulder playfully. HARRY Come on, Mr. Mentalino. Let one fly. It's only a buck. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO CAFÉ - LATE AFTERNOON A large neon road sign beside the café shows a man's exasperated face with FLAMES SHOOTING FROM HIS NOSE, MOUTH AND EARS. The sign advertises: HOTTEST CHILI 46. PEPPERS NORTH OF THE BORDER. INT. DANTE'S INFERNO Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a table with a hateful Joe Mental. The boys are each holding up a POINTED RED CHILI PEPPER. HARRY I'll do one if you will. LLOYD Okay, you go first. HARRY No, you go first. LLOYD No, you go first. MENTAL Why don't you both stop being a couple of pussies and go at the same time. It ain't that hot. Lloyd and Harry exchange a look, then simultaneously BITE INTO THE PEPPERS. LLOYD Hmmm, not bad... HARRY Yeah, more tingly than hot. Suddenly the boys' EYES LIGHT UP. THEY LET OUT A SHRIEK. A smile begins to curl on Mental's lips. He pours them a couple glasses of water from a pitcher. MENTAL Have some water. It'll help. Lloyd and Harry who are both sweating profusely now start to GULP down their water. This, of course, makes it burn more. MENTAL (CONT'D) Aw, shucks, that's right. Water just makes it worse... The boys run to the bar and DUMP PITCHERS OF WATER ON THEIR HEADS, much to the elight of a CHUCKLING Joe Mental. CUT TO: 47. EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY Mental is on the phone outside the front door TALKING to Nicholas Andre. INTERCUT CONVERSATION MENTAL It's Mental. I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys. ANDRE Good work. What did you find out so far? MENTAL Nothing yet, but I'm gonna shake 'em own for information at lunch. (beat) Then I'm gonna kill 'em for dessert. ANDRE Well eat fast, time's running out. And whatever you do, don't let them get any closer. I don't need them here running around Aspen. Mental pulls a BLACK VIAL OF PILLS out of his jacket. MENTAL Relax, they ain't gonna be running around anywhere after I dump a little cyanide in their pops. INT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY Back at the table, the boys are soaked and HUFFING as if they just finished the Boston Marathon. The burgers have been served, but Lloyd and Harry are still too traumatized to touch them. HARRY That really wasn't very polite of him, was it? Maybe we should loosen the screws of his chair. LLOYD Harry Dunne, I'm surprised at you. Perhaps it's about time you brushed UP ON A LITTLE TOME THAT WE GOD- fearing adults call the Bible. It's crammed with all kinds of pithy rules to live your life by. 48. HARRY (humbled) You mean like 'turn the other cheek?' LLOYD No, I mean like 'an eye for an eye.' Hand me those peppers the atomic ones. Harry passes the jar and the two of them LOAD JOE MENTAL'S BURGER WITH CHILI PEPPERS, EXPERTLY CAMOUFLAGING THEM WITH LETTUCE. HARRY (whispering) Here he comes. Lloyd and Harry bite into their food as Joe Mental sits back down at the table. MENTAL Feeling any better, boys? As he pours ketchup on his burger, the guys glance at each other and TITTER. Then he picks it up and brings it to his mouth. Just before biting into it, though, he PAUSES. MENTAL (CONT'D) So tell me, why you fellas headed to Aspen? Vacation? LLOYD More like re-location. Mental starts toward the burger but stops again. MENTAL Doesn't look like you packed much. All I saw was a couple bags... and that briefcase. HARRY The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady just left it at the airport. We're bringing it back to her. This is news to Mental. MENTAL You mean you don't even know her? LLOYD Not really. I was just her limo river. 49. Mental looks at the two of them and realizes that they're serious. Then he BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MENTAL Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time... Lloyd and Harry share a confused look. Mental shakes his head and BITES INTO HIS BURGER, CHEWING HEARTILY. Almost immediately, his happy demeanor is replaced by a LOOK OF HORROR. His FACE TURNS RED, HE GRABS HIS STOMACH AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, GASPING. The boys look at each other guiltily, then bend down to help him. HARRY Hey, you okay, man? It was just a goof. MENTAL (STRAINED WHISPER) My ulcer... quick... pills... in my coat... Harry checks Mental's coat pocket for his antacid pills but unwittingly brings out the BLACK OF CYANIDE PILLS. He shakes some pills out and hands them to Mental, who tosses them in his mouth and starts to MUNCH on them. For a moment, he appears to improve. His BREATHING SLOWS and he sits up. Then his EYES LIGHT UP. MENTAL'S POV - QUICK ZOOM IN on the black bottle Harry is holding! MENTAL (CONT'D) You son-of-a-bitch! Mental GURGLES and keels over, DEAD. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON Lloyd and Harry are back on the road, looking solemn. HARRY I can't believe it... 50. LLOYD Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewing on a burger; the next minute you're dead meat. HARRY But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words. LLOYD If you don't count that gurgling sound. Harry lets out a GROAN. LLOYD (CONT'D) Hey, relax, man, I'm just as responsible as you are we both slipped him the peppers and look at me, I on't feel guilty at all. HARRY Small comfort coming from a man who sells dead birds to blind kids. (SIGHS) Don't you get it, Lloyd. I've got a ead guy pissed at me. His restless spirit will probably haunt me for the next seventy-five years. LLOYD That's ridiculous. You probably won't live to see forty. Harry perks up, cheered by this thought. HARRY Oh yeah. (beat) Wow. What a relief. EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON As the Mutt Cutts van flashes by on it's westward journey, we CUT TO: EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - EVENING A DOCTOR is covering up the body of Joe Mental as he TALKS to DETECTIVE DALE. The etective is a no-nonsense type in his mid-forties with a military-regulation crewcut. 51. DOCTOR ...My official conclusion is that the eceased expired from oxygen eprivation caused by the presence of cyanide in the bloodstream. DT. DALE You mean he was poisoned? DOCTOR Unquestionably. We found these by the body. He holds up the container of cyanide pills. Dt. Dale nods and approaches another COP in the b.g. COP Waitress says he was with a couple of younger guys. They're the ones who called the ambulance then they hit the road. DT. DALE Any idea where they were going? COP A witness at the next table thought he heard them say they were driving to France. Dale frowns at this and the Cop shrugs. COP (CONT'D) We got a report they were seen heading west on I-80 toward Colorado. DT. DALE Get a make on the vehicle? The Cop consults his note pad. COP Yes, sir. They were driving an '84 poodle. Dt. Dale does a double-take. DT. DALE An '84 what? 52. COP (straight-faced) Well it might have been a wire-haired terrier, Detective. They're very similar in appearance. The Detective looks confused, as we CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT The boys are extremely exhausted as they plow through the black night toward Aspen. HARRY Let's get off and crash at a motel before I crash into one. (yawning) I need a crib fast. LLOYD Sorry, Har. We're gonna have to hold out. Seems we misjudged our expense allocation. If we pay for a motel we won't have enough for gas. HARRY What happened to the dough? LLOYD We over-leveraged. HARRY On what? LLOYD I sprung for Mr. Chili Pepper's last meal. Felt it was the least we could o after we deep-sixed him. HARRY Wait a second one burger put us over budget? LLOYD The slob ordered a double-bacon eluxe and a chocolate malt. HARRY Oh. (beat) So what are we gonna do? 53. LLOYD Drive. We've only got ten more hours. We can take turns. CUT TO: EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT A frightened J.P. Shay is TALKING on the phone with Nicholas Andre. SHAY You heard me, he's dead. The bastards killed him. INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT Andre nervously lights a cigarette as he speaks. ANDRE Jesus Christ... Andre's forehead begins to glisten with perspiration. ANDRE (CONT'D) All right, I want you back here now. If they're coming this way I'm going to need you. SHAY (v.o.) How's our bankroll doing? Giving you a hard time? ANDRE Melvin's not the problem. It's these two other guys that have me worried. I wish I knew what the hell they wanted. Andre hangs up the phone and then disappears down his basement stairs. INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT The room has a dirt floor. There's a stone WELL in the middle. We hear MUFFLED HUMAN WHIMPERING coming from deep within the well. Andre walks to the edge of the dark hole. ANDRE How you doing today, Melvin? 54. Andre takes a hit off his cigarette and flicks it into the well. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The Mutt Cutts van cruises down the lonely interstate. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT Lloyd is now FAST ASLEEP in the passenger seat as Harry drives on. A roadsign reading DENVER - 602 MILES whizzes by. Todd Rundgren's "Too Far Gone" begins to play while Harry peers at the empty highway INTROSPECTIVELY. As the song plays we see a series of quick shots: A new sign says DENVER - 421 MILES. Lloyd is still asleep with his feet now on Harry's lap. Another sign reads DENVER - 201 MILES. Harry stares straight ahead, practically catatonic. Lloyd's feet are out the window and his head is on Harry's lap. The next roadsign says DENVER - 157 MILES. Lloyd's feet are now up over the headrest and his head is down where his feet should be. Harry looks on the verge of blacking out. Finally, a sign reads COLORADO STATE LINE - 25 MILES/FOOD, GAS NEXT EXIT. EXT. TRUCK STOP - 2:10 IN THE MORNING The Mutt Cutts van pulls up to a gas pump. In the background are several tractor-trailer rigs and a café. Harry climbs out, thoroughly exhausted, walks around and opens the passenger door. Lloyd tumbles to the asphalt, STILL ASLEEP. Harry nudges him with his foot. HARRY Come on, wake up. You pay, I'll pump. Lloyd comes to and grudgingly pulls himself up to his feet. EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT Harry moves to the back of the poodle van. He has to LIFT ONE OF THE CAR'S REAR LEGS to unscrew the gas cap. Then he sticks the nozzle in and starts to fill her up. 55. EXT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Lloyd comes around the corner, dragging a BATHROOM KEY ATTACHED BY A CHAIN TO A CAR ENGINE toward the Men's Room. When he gets it to the door, he struggles to lift the engine on it's side, finally managing to slip the key into the lock. EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT Harry is yawning as he pumps the gas. Suddenly a Jeep Cherokee pulls up and a long-legged, tanned, ATHLETIC BEAUTY climbs out. This seems to wake Harry up. The Athletic Beauty smiles at Harry as she grabs a pump and starts to fill her jeep. Harry makes a feeble attempt to brush his hair into place, then CLEARS HIS THROAT and nods to the skis on her roof-rack. HARRY Skis, huh? ATHLETIC BEAUTY That's right. HARRY Great. She continues to pump gas. HARRY (CONT'D) They yours? ATHLETIC BEAUTY Uh-huh.. HARRY Both of 'em? ATHLETIC BEAUTY Um, yeah. HARRY (impressed) Cool. THE GAS FROM HARRY'S NOZZLE STARTS TO OVERFLOW, BUT HE DOESN'T NOTICE. FROM HER POV IT LOOKS like a BIG DOG IS PISSING ON HIS LEG. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Excuse me, you're spraying everywhere. 56. Harry turns to see the gas GUSHING ALL OVER HIS SHOES. He immediately removes the nozzle and replaces it on the pump as she smiles to herself. INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM Lloyd is standing in a stall urinating. He starts to read the graffiti scrawled on the wall. Finally, he comes to one that says: FOR A GOOD TIME, MEET ME HERE NOVEMBER 8, 1993, 2:15 A.M. SHARP. He frowns at this, then looks nervously at his watch. CLOSE UP OF DIAL - the date reads NOVEMBER 8. ZOOM IN on the minute hand as it CLICKS TO EXACTLY 2:15. Just as a concerned look crosses Lloyd's face, we hear the BATHROOM DOOR SQUEAK OPEN AND SLAM SHUT! Terrified, Lloyd quickly locks the stall door, then crouches on the toilet bowl so his feet aren't visible. The sound of HEAVY FOOTSTEPS approaches the stall and then stops. Lloyd looks down to see a pair of SIZE 16 WORKBOOTS beneath the door. We can barely hear a LOW GROWL. Then the stall handle JIGGLES. Lloyd holds his breath. The ominous boots MOVE AWAY and Lloyd lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF. All of a sudden the DOOR IS KICKED IN, AND A TOWERING FIGURE STEPS INTO FRAME. Lloyd looks up and GASPS. HIS POV - it's the Redneck trucker, Sea Bass. SEA BASS Well, well, well, if it ain't my old friend. (checks watch) And right on time... As Sea Bass STEPS INTO THE STALL, we CUT TO: EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT The Athletic Beauty is back in her Jeep now and Harry has sidled up to the driver's side. He leans against her side- view mirror. 57. HARRY (re: suitcases in back seat) That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Actually, I'm moving to Aspen. I've got to get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz. My astrologer told me I should avoid accident-prone guys. Just then, the side-view mirror Harry has been leaning on SNAPS OFF THE CAR. HE CRACKS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD, FALLS TO THE GROUND, THEN QUICKLY LEAPS TO HIS FEET AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED. HARRY (holding out mirror) Here, this is a little loose. She throws the mirror into the back seat and takes out a cigarette. HARRY (CONT'D) Allow me... He pulls out a match and lights it with a debonair flourish. The Athletic Beauty nods her thanks. Harry tosses the match to the ground, and we hear an O.S. WHOOSH! Wisps of smokes rise around him and we hear the LOW CRACKLE OF SOMETHING BURNING. (Neither of them notice this.) HARRY (CONT'D) Look, um, maybe when I get to Aspen we can meet up... you know, for hot chocolate or something. She looks him over and smiles. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Why not? You seem pretty harmless. I'll give you my number. Just let me find a pen. As she starts to rummage through her purse, Harry SMELLS THE SMOKE. He looks down and sees that his RIGHT SHOE IS ABLAZE! He shakes it, then tries to put it out with the other shoe, but to no avail. Meanwhile, the Athletic Beauty is still searching for a pen. 58. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) I know I have one here somewhere... Harry starts doing a soft-shoe dance to extinguish the flames. This only helps to fan them. HARRY (urgently) Look, why don't you just tell it to me, I've got a good memory. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Are you sure you won't forget? HARRY (desperate) Positive please hurry. He begins hopping around violently. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Is something wrong? Harry shakes his head no as he bites his lip to keep from screaming. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Okay, my number is 652-2553. (beat) Oh, wait a second, that's my old number. It's so funny how your mind god sakes, give me the damn number! She's taken aback by this outburst. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Look, man, if you're gonna get pushy you can just forget it! She throws the car into drive and PEELS AWAY. INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM Sea Bass has his meaty paw wrapped around Lloyd's neck as he slides him up the wall of the toilet stall. SEA BASS First I'm gonna rape you, then I'm gonna kill you. Any last request? LLOYD Um, yeah could you do it the other way around? 59. Sea Bass pushes Lloyd to his knees. Then the trucker steps back and UNDOES HIS FLY. The sound of the zipper brings a green color to Lloyd's face. ON THE MEN'S ROOM DOOR - it bursts open and a FLAME-FOOTED Harry rushes into the bathroom, panic-stricken. In his desperation he PLOWS THROUGH THE STALL DOOR KNOCKING SEA BASS ON THE HEAD and thrusts his flaming foot into the toilet, EXTINGUISHING THE FIRE. Harry breathes a DEEP SIGH of relief. Only then does he notice LLOYD ON HIS KNEES AND SEA BASS UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS PANTS UNDONE. Harry has to do a DOUBLE-TAKE for this to sink in. Then he lets out an admonishing WHISTLE. HARRY You've got some serious explaining to o, young man. CUT TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT CLOSE UP - of Harry's BURNT SHOE with the toes sticking out on the accelerator. LLOYD Look, Harry, I told you what happened, now drop it. HARRY Sure thing, Lloyd. I promise not to mention another word about you being in a bathroom stall with a six-foot, five-inch trucker with his pants own. LLOYD That's a low blow, man. HARRY Not at that height it's not. LLOYD Listen, bud, if you're trying to imply that I'm that thought look, we're almost in Colorado. 60. LLOYD SQUINTS THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD. A SIGN UP AHEAD SAYS: LAST EXIT IN NEBRASKA - COLORADO STATE LINE - 3 MILES. HARRY I think it's about time we pull over and change seats. I've been driving for nine straight hours I don't have the energy to start a new state. Lloyd nods, and as he pulls off the exit, we CUT TO: CLOSE ON A SIGN - it reads WELCOME TO COLORADO, HOME OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS. PAN DOWN to reveal a number of POLICEMEN stopping and checking cars as they cross the border. A HELICOPTER lands on the side of the road and Detective Dale hops out. He hurries to the COP in charge. DT. DALE Any sign of them yet? COP No, but we're expecting them shortly. A motorist said he spotted a pooch about thirty miles back headed this way. Detective Dale nods, satisfied. CUT TO: EXT. MINI MART - NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT of a mini mart. INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT The door opens and Lloyd gets in carrying a bag of Doritos and a soda. He settles into the driver's seat and pulls a Beef Jerky out of his back pocket. LLOYD Hey, I picked you up a Beef Jerky... When he gets no response, he notices that Harry is already fast asleep in the passenger seat. Lloyd shakes his head. LLOYD (CONT'D) Boy, some guys just weren't cut out for life on the road. 61. EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT Lloyd starts the engine and pulls out of the parking lot to the nearby freeway entrance. As he enters the on-ramp, we ZOOM IN on a sign that says: ROUTE 80 - EAST. He's unwittingly headed BACK IN THE DIRECTION THEY JUST CAME FROM! DISSOLVE TO: INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - SUNNY MORNING It's bright daylight now. Harry is sleeping peacefully in the passenger seat while Lloyd sips a coffee. The van hits a bump which causes Harry's eyes to flutter open. LLOYD Hey, Mr. Sleepy Head, welcome back. HARRY (groggy) How long have I been out? LLOYD I'd say a good five hours, anyway. Harry yawns and stretches. HARRY Great. We must be getting real close, huh? LLOYD Should be. I've been averaging about ninety miles an hour all night. HARRY Good man. LLOYD Boy, I'll tell you, this is one angerous highway. You wouldn't believe all the road pizza two dead ogs, a couple of rabbits, a snake and some big thing I couldn't even recognize. HARRY That's awful. Did you see them get hit or were they already lying there? LLOYD I hit 'em. Harry rubs his eyes and looks at the passing FLATLANDS. 62. HARRY Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this. LLOYD I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's some full of shit, huh? They both stare out the window. LLOYD (CONT'D) I must say, Des Moines sure is a pretty little town. HARRY Yeah, it really is. (beat) Wait a minute when did you visit Des Moines? LLOYD Last night. We drove through it. HARRY What are you talking about? You were snoring like a baby when we went through Des Moines. Lloyd shakes his head in amusement, then SNAPS HIS FINGERS in Harry's face. LLOYD (sing-song) Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rise and shine. (LAUGHS) You were the one who was asleep, numbskull. Here, take a sip of coffee. You're delirious. A confused Harry sips the coffee and checks out the passing terrain. Then something starts to awn on him. Slowly. HARRY Uh, Lloyd, refresh my memory: Doesn't the sun rise in the east and set in the west? LLOYD In our country it does, yes. 63. HARRY Then perchance you can explain to me why the sun is in our face at 7:30 in the morning when we're heading west. Lloyd thinks about this and then looks SICKENED. CUT TO: EXT. TRUCKSTOP - MORNING The Mutt Cutts van is parked next to a couple rigs and Harry is sitting beside it on the pavement, a BROKEN man. LLOYD I'm only human, Harry. Anybody can make a mistake. But Harry just sits there, practically catatonic. LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, man, pull yourself together. HARRY You know, I got half a mind to just jump on the bus to Europe and say goodbye to your ugly mug forever. LLOYD (rolls his eyes) You can't take a bus to Europe, dodo. HARRY Oh yeah? Why not? LLOYD You don't have a passport. Harry lets out a defeated SIGH. LLOYD (CONT'D) Come on, stop being a baby about this. Okay, so we back-tracked a tad. HARRY A tad? Lloyd, you drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction. Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we on't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough to eat, we don't have enough to sleep! 64. LLOYD Well it doesn't do any good having you sitting there on your butt whining about it. If we're gonna get out of this hole, we're gonna have to dig ourselves out. Harry thinks about this. HARRY You know, you're absolutely right, Lloyd. He stands up, brushes off his pants, and starts to walk toward the highway. LLOYD Where you going? HARRY Home. I'm walking home. LLOYD You can't be serious. HARRY (sarcastic) Why not? We're probably only five miles away. Harry starts resolutely toward the road while Lloyd watches. LLOYD (CALLING OUT) Thanks a lot, Mr. Perfect. Like you never screwed up. Harry suddenly STOPS IN HIS TRACKS and turns back to his friend. He seems completely rained. HARRY Look, man... I'm sorry. (beat) I never should have let you talk me into this in the first place. You've got a good reason to goo a beautiful girl's waiting for you. But let's face it, Lloyd, there's nothing waiting for me in Aspen. (beat) There's nothing waiting for me anywhere. 65. Lloyd just stands there, SPEECHLESS, as Harry turns and walks away. Out of frustration, he BANGS the snout of the car, causing it to BARK. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Harry is walking down the highway, his thumb stuck out unenthusiastically. A few cars WHIZ by, the cold wind whipping at his clothes. A station wagon blows by and throws a BAG OF GARBAGE out the window. It lands at Harry's feet. EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HARRY'S FACE - a TEAR slowly rolls down his cheek (like the Indian in the commercial). PAN DOWN to the bag of garbage. We see it's a BAG OF ONIONS that's ripped open. Suddenly a HEARSE pulls up and stops. It's an ominous-looking vehicle and Harry hesitates. Then the passenger window rolls down, revealing a contrite Lloyd at the wheel. LLOYD Got room for one more, if you still want to go to Aspen. Harry looks the hearse over. HARRY Where'd you find this baby? LLOYD Used car dealer. I traded the van for it. Plus I got the guy to throw in fifty bucks for gas money. (beat) Come on, man, what do you say? We still partners? HARRY SMILES AND WE CUT TO: EXT. COLORADO STATE LINE - DAY An impatient Detective Dale is still staked-out at the Colorado border with several other officers. DT. DALE It doesn't make sense. They should've been here hours ago. COP Maybe they're smarter than we thought. 66. DT. DALE How smart can they be? They're riving a goddamn dog! Another COP rushes over holding his walkie-talkie. COP #2 We just got a report that they were spotted about two hours ago heading east near Des Moines on I-80. DT. DALE (incredulous) Des Moines?! Why that's five hundred miles from here! COP #1 Guess they got wind of our welcoming party. DT. DALE We're wasting time. Let's mobilize. Dt. Dale heads for his cruiser while the other Cops follow. As the officers climb into their cars, we CUT TO: INT. HEARSE - DAY Lloyd is driving and Harry has his feet out the window. LLOYD Tell me something, Harry. Would you really have kept going home if I hadn't come back to get you? HARRY Well let me put it this way, Lloyd: Do you remember when we were Cub Scouts and we got lost in the woods uring that blizzard? We huddled together all night, and we made an oath that if we ever got out of there alive we'd never ever leave each other's side again. Do you remember that? Lloyd thinks hard about this. LLOYD We were never Cub Scouts. 67. HARRY Exactly. Just then several COP CARS whiz by them in the opposite direction with SIRENS BLARING and LIGHTS FLASHING. When Harry glances back at the cop cars, he notices that there's a COFFIN in the rear of the vehicle. HARRY (CONT'D) What the hell is this? There's a coffin in the back! LLOYD Relax, it's empty. HARRY I don't give a shit. I'm not driving anywhere with a casket. You know I'm superstitious calm down. We'll dump it off first chance we get. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Harry and Lloyd are swerving through traffic in the hearse. Ahead of them is a REAL FUNERAL PROCESSION. The lead car is a CADILLAC. INT. CADILLAC (LEAD CAR) - DAY (This is the car right behind the funeral hearse.) A MAN and a WOMAN are arguing. WOMAN I married a cheapskate. MAN Shut your trap, Gerdie. WOMAN I'm so embarrassed. I'll never be able to show my face again. MAN I knew something good would come out of this. WOMAN We could have given him a more ignified burial. 68. MAN Your uncle was a cheap man. Remember what he got us for our twenty-fifth? A friggin' fern. There's no way I'm gonna spend a load to get him planted. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY While the couple ARGUES ON, Harry and Lloyd cut in front of them. The Man and the Woman on't notice this an soon the ENTIRE FUNERAL PROCESSION IS UNWITTINGLY FOLLOWING THE WRONG HEARSE. CUT TO: EXT. PIGGLY WIGGLY SUPERMARKET - DAY Harry and Lloyd pull up to a large green dumpster behind the market. The procession comes to a halt behind them. The guys get out of the hearse and remove the coffin from the back. Then they unceremoniously HEAVE THE COFFIN INTO THE DUMPSTER AND WIPE THEIR HANDS OFF. ON THE LEAD CAR OF THE PROCESSION - The Woman's jaw is practically on the floor. WOMAN You son-of-a-bitch! I want a ivorce! CUT TO: QUICK MONTAGE OF THE HEARSE WEAVING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE SCENIC ROCKIES AS WE REPRISE 'MARY'S PRAYER' BY DANNY WILSON. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY The hearse drives past a sign that says ENTERING ASPEN, COLORADO. CUT TO: EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - DAY The boys stroll down the sidewalk, looking in the windows, studying the passersby, taking in the sights and sounds of the ski town. 69. LLOYD Isn't this wonderful? What more could a couple of single guys like us ask for? HARRY How about food and shelter? LLOYD You're so materialistic. (beat) Why don't we get down to business and eliver the briefcase to Mary. Who knows, maybe she'll invite us in for tea and a strumpet or two? HARRY Jolly good idea, chap. And where oes the lovely young lady reside? LLOYD Um... good question. Harry throws Lloyd a concerned look, but then notices a phone booth next to them. HARRY Well what's her last name? We'll look it up in the phone book. LLOYD Hmmmm... You know, I don't believe I caught that either. Harry's concern grows. HARRY What about the briefcase, Lloyd? There must've been a name on it, right? LLOYD (brightening) Come to think of it, there is. It's engraved right into the leather. HARRY What is it? LLOYD Samsonite spelled just like it sounds. 70. Harry starts flipping through the phone book. Then abruptly HE STOPS and puts the book down, a DEFEATED look on his face. CUT TO: INT. HEARSE - NIGHT The car is parked in a parking lot across the street from a picturesque bridge. Harry and Lloyd are shivering in the front seat as a LOUD, ICY WIND WHIPS though the hearse. They're each spooning something out of a coffee cup and sipping it. HARRY Any soup left? LLOYD A little. Shall we share it? HARRY Please. Lloyd opens a TINY KETCHUP PACKET and squirts half of it into Harry's cup and the other half into his. They pour a few drops of water in and mix it with their spoons. LLOYD Mmmm mmmm good... Lloyd smiles bravely at Harry. Harry notices something and leans toward him. HARRY Hey, you got something stuck in your front teeth. Lloyd picks a small speck out of his mouth and studies it. LLOYD Hmmm... looks like an old piece of Beef Jerky. HARRY STARES AT IT. THEN: HARRY Wanna split it? LLOYD You're pathetic. Get your own. Loyd puts the floss-meat back in his mouth and chews it. Another gust of wind swirls around them. 71. HARRY I'm freezing my ass off, Lloyd. LLOYD Roll up your window. HARRY It is rolled up. LLOYD Then I guess the damn anti-cold system isn't working. You really should get it fixed if we're gonna live here all winter. HARRY What anti-cold system? Lloyd points to the dash. LLOYD Right here the A/C button. I put it on full blast about an hour ago and, if anything, the car's getting colder. Harry stares at Lloyd and then throws down his cup, disgusted. He opens the car door and starts to climb out. LLOYD (CONT'D) What are you going out there for? HARRY To warm up. EXT. HEARSE - NIGHT Harry gets out and leans against the car with his arms crossed. Lloyd comes from around the other side. LLOYD What are you worrying about now? HARRY I'm worried about how you're gonna survive the pummeling I'm about to give you. LLOYD Huh? Suddenly Harry LUNGES at Lloyd, who takes off around the other side of the car. Harry leaps across the hood, but Lloyd manages to evade his grasp. 72. LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, calm down! You're acting like a wild animal! HARRY Get over here and take your medicine, Lloyd! LLOYD Sorry, doc, I can't take medicine. I'm a Christian Scientist! Lloyd continues to outrun him around the car. Frustrated, Harry opens the car and PULLS THE BRIEFCASE OUT. LLOYD (CONT'D) What are you doing? HARRY Something I should've done a long time ago. This stupid thing has been the root of our problems all along. Harry starts walking toward the bridge spanning a river. LLOYD Don't do anything foolish, Harry. HARRY Foolish? This is the most sensible thing I've done in years. I'm gonna toss this goddamn curse right into that river. Lloyd starts to follow after Harry. LLOYD You're making a big mistake, Harry! I'll never forgive you for this! Harry keeps marching toward the bridge, determined to dispose of the briefcase. LLOYD (CONT'D) Harry, hold up! Things are gonna get better, I promise! In fact, I think I feel another piece of Beef Jerky in my left molar! It's yours, Harry, all yours! Harry stops in his tracks, intrigued. 73. HARRY You're bluffing. LLOYD No I'm not, man look. Lloyd pulls his cheek back, revealing a molar. Harry squints at it. HARRY That's a filling, you liar! Just then, Lloyd makes a dash at Harry. Harry turns and runs, but Lloyd TACKLES HIM as they reach the bridge. The briefcase GOES FLYING, and the guys wrestle pitifully with one another in the snow, rolling over and over. Finally, Harry manages to get the upper hand. He climbs on top and CLASPS HIS HANDS AROUND LLOYD'S THROAT. HARRY (CONT'D) I used to have a life! A miserable one, but a life, nonetheless! Suddenly Lloyd's EYES LIGHT UP as he sees something O.S. behind his friend. LLOYD (CHOKED VOICE) Harry, look! Harry turns and HIS EYES LIGHT UP, TOO. He lets go of Lloyd as we see THEIR POV - THE BRIEFCASE IS LYING BUSTED OPEN ON THE GROUND, REVEALING STACKS AND STACKS OF BIG, BEAUTIFUL HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS! CUT TO: EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - NIGHT Harry and Lloyd are hurrying down the sidewalk, clutching the briefcase. The city is lit up with millions of tiny lights, like a fantasy winter wonderland. LLOYD Okay, here's the plan: We borrow a few bucks just a small loan from the briefcase, and we check into a cheap motel. 74. HARRY Sounds good. LLOYD And we'll keep track of the money we spend with IOUs. HARRY We'll be meticulous right down to the last penny. LLOYD That way, whatever we borrow we can pay back. HARRY Absolutely. We're good for it. LLOYD You know, as soon as we get jobs. HARRY It'll come right out of our first paycheck. CUT TO: INT. ELEGANT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT A tuxedoed Bell Captain, BARNARD, is showing the guys around an ENORMOUS AND LUXURIOUS SUITE. The place is big enough to throw a touchdown bomb in. BARNARD ...This is the Hotel Danbury's Presidential Suite, gentlemen. It's normally reserved for royalty, visiting dignitaries, and illustrious stars of stage and take it. The Bell Captain is a bit taken aback, but pleased. BARNARD (CONT'D) Very good, sir. Are there any bags you'd like sent up? LLOYD Thanks, Barnard, but we'll find our own chicks. BARNARD (peevish) I wasn't talking about ladies. 75. HARRY Oh. Then go ahead and send thim up. What are their names? Barnard SIGHS. BARNARD Sir, I meant your luggage. Harry forces a. embarrassed half-smile. LLOYD Tell you what you can send up, my friend how about some chow? The Bell Captain nods. BARNARD I'll bring you a menu. LLOYD Don't bother. Just order us one of everything. At this, Harry serves Lloyd a reproachful look. HARRY One of everything? Lloyd... Lloyd looks guilty. LLOYD Oh, sorry. (beat) Make that two of everything. Harry smiles at this as Lloyd pulls a wad of HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS out of his pocket. He rips one off and tucks it in Barnard's top pocket. LLOYD (CONT'D) And here you go, Barney. You keep us happy, we'll keep you happy. The Bell Captain, Barnard, is energized by this tip. BARNARD Yes, sir! He bows and leaves the room. Then Lloyd cracks open the briefcase and inserts a SMALL PIECE OF PAPER. 76. LLOYD (proudly) Our first IOU. Signed and dated. CUT TO: EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT Helen Swanson is KNOCKING on her step-daughter's bedroom door. She's holding a tray with a couple of mugs on it. HELEN Mary? You awake? MARY (o.s.) COME IN... INT. MARY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Mary is sitting in a chair looking sadly out the French windows when Helen ENTERS. HELEN I brought you some tea. I thought it might help you relax. Mary smiles. MARY Thank you. She takes a mug, sips, and pulls back. MARY (CONT'D) Yech! What's in this, whiskey? HELEN Uh, sorry... that one's mine. Helen grabs the mug from Mary and hands her the other one. HELEN (CONT'D) Feeling any better, honey? Mary can't take her eyes from the window. MARY Just knowing that Melvin's out there, being held by God knows who... (fighting back tears) It's all my fault. I should've been there. 77. HELEN Bullshit. You can't blame yourself for this. If you'd been there they would've taken you, too. Helen pulls out a joint and torches it up. She takes a hit. MARY Maybe we should just pay them the money again and get this thing over with. HELEN Now Mary, everything that can be done is being done. You've got to stop torturing yourself. MARY What am I supposed to do? Go about my life as if everything were fine? HELEN That's exactly what you should do. Get the hell out more, go skiing, socialize. Don't you see, honey? We can't let on that anything is wrong. If the press or authorities get wind of this, the kidnappers might panic. (beat) Who knows what they'd do to poor Melvin then? AS MARY THINKS ABOUT THIS, WE CUT TO: EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY The Guys pull up to the front of the hotel in the hearse. Several HOTEL EMPLOYEES rush to help them. Harry and Lloyd get out wearing OVERLY TRENDY SKI GARB, complete with fur boots, NASA designed goggles, and splashy fluorescent colors everywhere. The Employees all grab the shopping bags and then line up as Lloyd TIPS THEM ALL handsomely. INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT The huge beds are covered in boxes and bags of new goodies. Lloyd is going through it all. Harry is sitting out on the balcony with his feet up on the railing, checking out the mountain view. 78. HARRY Oh god, it's really true. Last night I thought I might've been dreaming. LLOYD It's no dream, Har. We finally cracked the big time. HARRY And it was so simple. All it took was somebody else's money. Harry LIGHTS A CIGAR WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL, takes a hearty puff, and EXHALES. HARRY (CONT'D) You know, Lloyd, I think you might've gone a little overboard with the spending today. He blows out the twenty and tosses it off the balcony. LLOYD What's the big deal? We're gonna pay it all back anyway, right? HARRY Sure, but do you really think you needed to buy those two surfboards? LLOYD Surfboards? I thought those were beginner's skis. This suddenly makes sense to Harry. HARRY Ahhh. I was wondering why you had those bindings put on them. Lloyd opens a box and holds up a SCANTY NEGLIGEE. LLOYD Where'd this come from? HARRY (sheepishly) I bought it. LLOYD What for? 79. HARRY I like the feel of it against my skin... (defensive) ...I mean, you know, when a woman's wearing it. Lloyd inspects it more closely. LLOYD Harry, how many women do you know who wear a size XXL? HARRY Look, leave me alone. I'm rich now. I'm supposed to have a few eccentricities. There's a KNOCK on the door. LLOYD Enter, parlez vous! The Bell Captain, Barnard, ENTERS with a champagne bucket and a newspaper under his arm. BARNARD I brought you your newspaper and some champagne, gentlemen. Unfortunately, we didn't seem to have the, um, label you requested. Lloyd examines the champagne's label and frowns. LLOYD All out of Boone's Farm, huh? BARNARD You have a rapier wit, sir. I took the liberty of bringing a comparable substitute: Dom Perignon. LLOYD Guess it'll have to do, slugger, eh? Lloyd smiles and over tips him. BARNARD Thank you so much, sir. He puts the tray down, hands Lloyd the newspaper, and heads for the door. 80. LLOYD Oh, one more thing: You can dispense with the 'sir' crap. Let's face it, Barney, we're all from the same mold. (winks) We just have a little more dough than you right now. Barnard smiles and EXITS. Harry comes back in the room. He picks up a champagne glass and flicks it with his finger, sending out a resonant RING. HARRY Cocktail hour has commenced! He starts to open the champagne bottle as Lloyd begins thumbing through the newspaper. HARRY (CONT'D) Hey, later on what do you say we...? He notices that Lloyd's mouth has dropped open at something he's found in the paper. HARRY (CONT'D) Lloyd... you okay? LLOYD (dumbstruck) Harry, it's her. HARRY Who? LLOYD Mary with the briefcase. This is her... He shoves the newspaper at Harry. CLOSE ON THE HEADLINE - it reads: SWANSONS TO HOST PRESERVATION GALA TONIGHT; CITY'S ELITE EXPECTED. Underneath this is a photograph of Mary with her parents. LLOYD (CONT'D) Mary Swanson... HARRY Come on, Cinderella, it's time to get you ready for the ball... Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" plays over a... MONTAGE OF HARRY AND LLOYD'S GLAMOUR MAKE-OVER: 81. -The boys are in a beauty parlor getting their hair shampooed. -Harry and Lloyd sit beneath old-fashioned hair dryers. The ATTENDANTS lift the dryers from their heads, revealing both guys' hair in curlers. -Lloyd's getting shaved by an ATTENDANT with a straight-razor. Suddenly Lloyd grabs his neck as if he's been nicked. BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT from between his fingers. The other CUSTOMERS stare in horror at this. Lloyd LAUGHS and shows everyone a SQUEEZE KETCHUP BOTTLE hidden in his hand. Only Harry and Lloyd seem to find this joke amusing. -We see them getting their nose hairs clipped. PAN DOWN to the floor to reveal a PILE OF NOSE HAIR CLIPPINGS. -Then a shot of a MAN next to them getting a pedicure. PAN OVER to Lloyd's bare feet he has toe nails like Howard Hughes. Sparks are flying as an ATTENDANT wearing safety goggles tries to sand down Lloyd's toenails with an electric sander. -Harry is lying on his stomach with his shirt off, getting a massage from a beautiful ORIENTAL MASSEUSE. He pulls a hundred dollar bill from under his towel, hands it to her, and WHISPERS in her ear. She smiles. -Next we see the Oriental Masseuse lying on her stomach with her shirt off, while Harry happily massages her back. -The guys are in an expensive haberdashery. Harry comes out of the dressing room in a very elegant BLACK TUXEDO. He couldn't look any more suave. The SALEMAN nods, impressed, but Lloyd shakes his head no and Harry goes back in. -Harry reappears in another stylish WHITE TUXEDO. The Salesman looks on hopefully, but Lloyd again disapproves. -This time Harry comes out in a JUNIOR-PROM-LIKE SKY-BLUE TUXEDO, complete with TACKY FRILLS. The Salesman looks sickened as Lloyd give Harry the thumbs up. PAN ACROSS THE STREET from the haberdashery - an apprehensive J.P. Shay is sitting in a parked car, WATCHING HARRY AND LLOYD. DISSOLVE TO: 82. EXT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - NIGHT Throngs of GUESTS in black-tie and elegant gowns are entering the building. Suddenly the hearse pulls up with Harry and Lloyd BUMPER SURFING BEHIND IT. Harry's wearing his blue tuxedo. Lloyd's tux isn't any better it's pumpkin orange. (THEY'VE GOT MATCHING TOP HATS AND CANES.) When the hearse stops, the boys hand the driver Barnard a couple hundred dollars. LLOYD Thanks for the lift, Barney. INT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY Nicholas Andre is greeting people at the door. However, when Harry and Lloyd try to enter, he stops them and gives them the once over. ANDRE Excuse me, gentlemen, but this is a five-hundred-dollar-a-plate dinner. Harry and Lloyd look at each other and shrug. Then Lloyd takes out a WAD OF BILLS and peels off TEN HUNDREDS, much to the amazement of Andre. LLOYD This should cover a couple plates. HARRY I'm kind of hungry, Lloyd. What if we want seconds? Lloyd thinks about this. Then he peels off another thou. LLOYD Put us down for four plates, my good man. They ENTER the party. As Andre watches them go, his associate J.P. Shay comes up beside him, an alarmed look on his face. J.P. SHAY (WHISPERING) Jesus Christ, boss... it's them. BACK ON HARRY AND LLOYD - the guys make their way through the affluent crowd. LLOYD I'm getting nervous, Harry. 83. HARRY relax, Lloyd. These people are just like you and me. LLOYD What are you talking about? They're educated, well-bred, charming, and sophisticated. HARRY So what? We can be sophistica holy shit, would you look at the fun bags on that hose hound. He points out a busty BLONDE BOMBSHELL entering the party. Lloyd rolls his eyes. LLOYD Don't do this to me, Harry. I'm already a wreck. What if Mary oesn't like me? HARRY Look, let's just go saddle up to the bar and down a couple bowls of loudmouth soup. A little booze'll bring back that old Lloyd Christmas over-confidence. The guys stand out at the glittering social scene as they make their way to the bar. LLOYD (to BARTENDER) Two martinis, straight up. As Harry and Lloyd silently take in the party, a BEAUTIFUL RED HEAD reaches between them for a cocktail napkin, then walks away. LLOYD (CONT'D) Shut up, Harry. HARRY I didn't say anything. LLOYD Yeah, well I know what you were gonna say and I'm telling you to shut up in advance. HARRY How do you know what I was gonna say? 84. LLOYD I read you like a book. HARRY Okay, if you read me like a book then what was I gonna say? LLOYD You were gonna say: (in Harry's looped VOICE) 'That's one fiery bush I wouldn't mind roasting my weenie in.' Harry raises his eyebrows, IMPRESSED. LLOYD (CONT'D) And I would say 'shut up', because this is our chance to get in with the rich and powerful and you don't ingratiate yourself to the kind of people by acting like Ron Jeremy on Spanish Fly. The Bartender delivers their martinis as we hear the o.s. CLINKING of a glass. The guys turns to see Nicholas Andre standing at a podium. Next to him is a LARGE, COVERED DISPLAY. On his other side are Karl and Elizabeth Swanson. ANDRE If I could have your attention, please... The crowd QUIETS. ANDRE (CONT'D) I'd like to thank you all for coming to this very special event. As you KNOW, THE ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - founded and chiefly funded by our great benefactors, Karl and Helen Swanson - is the world's foremost efender of endangered species. Our SPRAWLING GROUNDS ARE HOME TO TWENTY- three separate varieties of animals that are currently listed on the United Nation's charter of protected species. Tonight, we are deeply honored to have Mr. Karl Swanson welcome our twenty-fourth. 85. The crowd CLAPS as Mr. Swanson takes Andre's place at the podium. MR. SWANSON Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Icelandic Snow Owl. He pulls the cover off, revealing TWO MAJESTIC, FLUFFY WHITE OWLS IN A CAGE. Everyone OOHS and AHHS. MR. SWANSON (CONT'D) These magnificent specimens were RESCUED RECENTLY, CULMINATING A FIVE- year, two-million-dollar effort on our part. Together, they constitute one-seventh of the snow owl population left on the planet. ON ANDRE - he's nervously eyeing Harry and Lloyd. He looks pale. MR. SWANSON Here these lovely birds will be allowed to breed in a natural but protected habitat. And, God willing, with your help and that of the Society's, we will see these wonderful creatures flourish once more. More APPLAUSE. MR. SWANSON (CONT'D) Again, thank you, and enjoy your evening. Oh, and feel free to take a closer look at our new friends here. Enjoy. The crowd APPLAUDS and begins to mingle again. Lloyd turns back to the Bartender and holds up his empty glass. LLOYD Two more, please. Harry stares at Lloyd with concern. HARRY Lloyd, I've never seen you this uptight. You've gotta chill out. LLOYD I can't help it. This is a very important night for me. (MORE) 86. LLOYD (CONT'D) (beat) Harry, have you ever wondered why you and I never have long-term girlfriends? HARRY What are you talking about? I went out with Fraida Felcher for two and a half weeks. LLOYD That was a fluke. (beat) The reason we never have long-term girlfriends is because of one thing: We're afraid of the C word. HARRY That's crazy. We live for the C word. LLOYD I'm talking bout commitment. HARRY (beat) Oh. LLOYD Well I'm ready for commitment, Harry. The first time I laid eyes on Mary Swanson, I knew she was the one. (beat) Some things you feel in your heart, other things you feel in your groin. This girl makes me feel it all in the heart. Suddenly Lloyd notices something across the room. HIS POV - A BEGUILING MARY SWANSON IS TALKING WITH A COUPLE OF GUESTS. SHE'S WEARING A spectacular black cocktail dress. Lloyd quickly turns toward the bar. LLOYD (CONT'D) Oh shit, there she is. 87. HARRY (checking her out) Wow. You weren't kidding, Lloyd. She's an angel. (beat) Well, what are you waiting for? Get over there and talk to her. LLOYD She's gonna think I'm some kind of psycho when she realizes how far I came just to see her. HARRY You have her briefcase she's gonna be thrilled to see you. LLOYD And then what? She'll take it back and that'll be it. I'm a nobody. Harry thinks about this a moment. HARRY Look, man, you just drove two thousand miles to see this girl. Don't quit on the last fifty feet. LLOYD (brightening) Wait a second, I have an idea. You go over and introduce yourself. That way you can build me up so when I come along I won't have to brag about myself. Tell her I'm good-looking and I'm rich and I have a rapist's wit. HARRY I can't tell her you're good looking, Lloyd she's got eyes. Lloyd takes a big gulp of his new martini. LLOYD Please Harry, I'm appealing to you as one loser to another. Just build me up and then give me a signal to come over. Please. Harry SIGHS. 88. HARRY All right. But you're gonna owe me a big one for this. Harry straightens his polka-dot bow-tie, then APPROACHES Mary, who is now standing alone, admiring the owls. HARRY (CONT'D) Nice set of hooters you got there. Mary turns to Harry, stunned. MARY I beg your pardon? HARRY The owls. They're beautiful. MARY Oh. Yeah. (beat) Are you a bird lover? HARRY Well, I used to have a parakeet, but my main area of expertise is canines that's dogs to the layperson. She smiles at this. MARY Thanks. I love dogs, too. So how are you involved with them? HARRY Oh, I've trained them, bathed them, clipped them; I've even bred them. MARY Really? Any unusual breeding? HARRY Nah, mostly just doggie-style. But one time we successfully mated a Bulldog and a Shitzu. MARY Really? That's weird. HARRY Yeah. We called it a Bullshit. (breaks out LAUGHING) Just a little breeder joke. 89. She seems strangely charmed by this. HARRY (CONT'D) Anyway, the real reason I came over is because I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. Just then, Mary's stepmother approaches. She's holding a martini and looking a little sloshed. HELEN Mary, I don't believe I've met your friend. MARY Actually, we haven't been introduced yet. (holds out hand) I'm Mary Swanson, and this is my stepmother, Helen. HARRY Harry Dunne. Pleasure meeting you both. HELEN I saw you come in earlier, Mr. Dunne. I was hoping we'd get a chance to meet. HARRY (taken aback) You were? HELEN That tuxedo I love a man with a sense of humor. So does Mary. Mary shoots Helen a look, then smiles at Harry. HARRY Really? For a moment, he's caught up in Mary's eyes, but then manages to snap out of it. HARRY (CONT'D) Anyway, about my friend you doing anything tomorrow, Mr. Dunne? Because I believe Mary's looking for somebody to hit the slopes with. Whuh? MARY Helen, you're embarrassing me. 90. HELEN Well you are, aren't you? (to Harry) Poor girl doesn't get out enough. So what do you say, Harry? Are you available? Harry thinks about this, then looks across the room at a hopeful Lloyd. HARRY Oh, I don't know. You see, my friend your friends for one day. You and Mary will have a ball. Mary's captivating eyes meet his, waiting for an answer. HARRY (CONT'D) Um... well... I don't know. You see, the thing is... sure. ON LLOYD - he waits impatiently at the bar as Harry returns. LLOYD How come you didn't call me over? HARRY Relax, you're golden. I got you a ate with her tomorrow. Lloyd falls back against the bar and grabs his chest. He's SPEECHLESS. LLOYD Wha... you... I... it's... (smiles) I love you, man. I love you! Lloyd clamps an embarrassed Harry in a TIGHT EMBRACE. HARRY Okay, get a grip, Lloyd. You're making a scene. Lloyd steps back elated. LLOYD This calls for a toast! He grabs a bottle of champagne out of a bucket and starts to open it. 91. LLOYD (CONT'D) You're gonna be my best man, Har, I mean it. It was always between you and my future wife's brother, but you just earned a seat at the head table, pal. Suddenly the CORK SHOOTS OUT OF THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND ZIPS ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE A BULLET DIRECTLY TOWARD ONE OF THE NOW EVEN WIDER- EYED OWLS. In quick succession we hear a BOK!, a SQUAWK!, and a THUMP! A HUSH falls over the entire party as everyone turns their stunned attention to the cage. THEIR POV - FEATHERS ARE FLOATING IN THE AIR THROUGHOUT THE CAGE, AND ONE OF THE ICELANDIC SNOW Owls LIES ON ITS BACK, its species now one bird closer to extinction. Harry and Lloyd look on in horror. Harry takes the smoking champagne bottle from Lloyd and places it on the bar. HARRY (under breath) I think we've done enough hobnobbing, Lloyd. The guys LOWER THEIR HEADS and slink out of the room before anyone can figure out what happened anyone except for Nicholas Andre, that is; we PAN to show that he's been standing nearby watching their every move. And he doesn't look very happy. CUT TO: INT. AASPEN APARTMENT - NIGHT Nicholas Andre is pacing the room with a drink in his hand while J.P. Shay looks on nervously. J.P. SHAY Maybe it was just a coincidence. ANDRE Don't be stupid. It's a message, plain and simple: We killed their bird, now they killed ours. 92. J.P. SHAY But how could anybody off a bird with a cork? ANDRE These guys arent' just anybody. They're good. Look what they did to Mental. He was the best, and yet he fell right into their web. J.P. SHAY But the bastards already got our money. What the hell more could they want? Andre runs his fingers through his hair. ANDRE (at wit's end) I don't know, god damn it! CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - THE NEXT MORNING A jubilant Lloyd is fixing his hair in the mirror. In the b.g., Harry is putting on his new ski clothes including a pair of thermal tights. LLOYD Mrs. Christmas... Mary Christmas... Mrs. Mary Christmas. You know, it has kind of a ring to it, oesn't it, Har? HARRY Sounds nice, Lloyd, but don't you think you may be jumping the gun a little? I mean, who knows, when you get to know her, you may find out she's not your type. LLOYD Impossible. I know my type when I see it. Now let me get this straight, she wants me to meet her at the Avalanche Bar and Grill on Main Street? HARRY That's what she said. Ten o'clock sharp. This is when Lloyd notices Harry's get-up. 93. LLOYD Time out. Where are going ressed like that. HARRY I, uh, thought while you were making your love connection I'd try my luck on the slopes. LLOYD You mean you're gonna go out in public dressed in tights? HARRY These aren't tights. They're fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers. LLOYD But you can see the outline of your who-who. Harry looks down at his crotch. HARRY Really? LLOYD Turn sideways. Harry turns his profile against the window. LLOYD (CONT'D) Actually, it's just a tiny little lump. No one will ever notice. HARRY You're right. I can't go out dressed like this. CUT TO: EXT. ASPEN BASE LODGE - DAY ESTABLISHING SHOT of the building. INT. ASPEN BASE LODGE People are putting their boots on and their skis are lined up on the wall behind them. Mary is waiting by the fireplace in an incredibly sexy snowsuit. 94. Suddenly Harry appears in the room, dressed ridiculously. As he begins to clumsily make his way through the lodge toward Mary, we see that he ALREADY HAS HIS SKIS ON. He kicks over a row of skis and gets glares from all sides. Finally he reaches her, OUT OF BREATH. HARRY Sorry I'm late. It's a bitch driving a clutch with these things. EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY Harry and Mary are at the front of the lift line. The couple ahead of them get on a chair, and then they shuffle into position. Harry crouches nervously, waiting for the chair. The chair swings around, comes up behind them, and makes a smooth pick up of Mary, that is. An embarrassed Harry is STILL IN THE CROUCHING POSITION, having missed the ride. Mary looks back at him, confused. Suddenly he pretends to be stretching. HARRY (CALLING OUT) You take the first run alone. I'm gonna loosen up down here. CUT TO: INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - DAY Lloyd ENTERS the bar as the WAITERS are setting up for the day. WAITER I'm sorry, we don't open until eleven. This is disconcerting news to Lloyd. LLOYD I'm meeting someone. Mind if I wait at the bar? The Waiter shrugs and Lloyd sits down at the empty bar. CUT TO: EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY Harry and Mary are now sitting together on a chair as it rises higher and higher toward the imposing mountain top. Harry holds onto the chair's frame nervously. MARY Beautiful day, huh, Harry? 95. HARRY Glorious. Mary takes a DEEP BREATH. MARY God, it feels so good to get up here. I haven't been outdoors much in the last couple of weeks. HARRY Why not? MARY (evasive) There's been... family problems. I on't want to bore you with them. HARRY Thanks. He looks mindlessly off in the distance. Then Harry notices a PATCH OF FROST on the chair lift bar. HARRY (CONT'D) Oh, look... frost. He licks it and his TONGUE IMMEDIATELY FUSES WITH THE FROZEN METAL. He tugs a few times, but it won't budge. MARY Are you okay? HARRY (lisping) Sure. I do this all the time... CUT TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - DAY As Mary and Harry arrive at the top of the lift, Mary disembarks but Harry stays on. HARRY (lisping) See ya at the bottom... Harry and the chair lift swing around and start heading down the hill. CUT TO: 96. EXT. BOTTOM OF MOUNTAIN - DAY The chair lift comes back around with Harry still sitting on it, stuck to the bar. Two LITTLE KIDS climb on with him. HARRY (lisping) Hi. (off their looks) Say, kids, you wouldn't happen to have a cup of warm water, would you? The two kids just stare at him. CUT TO: INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON A despondent Lloyd's got a couple of empties in front of him now. The bar is open and there are a few CUSTOMERS sprinkled about. Lloyd takes a sip of his drink and looks up at the clock on the wall. It's 12:30. We see a pair of beautiful legs slide onto the stool next to him. PAN OVER to reveal that it's the Athletic Beauty that Harry had tried to pick up at the truck stop. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Hi. Lloyd GRUNTS a hello. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) Bad day, huh? Lloyd GRUNTS once more. ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D) (big smile) well don't worry, Mercury's supposed to be coming out or retrograde tonight. Things will get better. AS LLOYD GRUNTS AGAIN, WE CUT TO: EXT. BASE LODGE - AFTERNOON Mary gracefully carves her way to the bottom of the hill and stops with a snow-spraying flourish. She looks around the outdoor patio for Harry. She spots something and does a DOUBLE- TAKE. 97. MARY'S POV - HARRY IS SITTING AT A TABLE, STILL ATTACHED TO THE CHAIR LIFT (WHICH has been removed from the cable). He's drinking a cup of coffee and trying to act nonchalant, espite the gawking of the other SKIERS. There's a MIME performing in the b.g. BACK TO SCENE MARY My god. Harry, are you okay? HARRY (lisping) I'm fine, I'm fine. It'll come off. CUT TO: CLOSE UP of Harry's head through a RIFLE SCOPE. REVERSE ANGLE to reveal J.P. Shay a few hundred feet up the hill with a high-powered rifle trained on Harry. SHAY You're luck just ran out, pal. As his trigger finger TWITCHES with anticipation, we go BACK TO SCENE MARY This is silly. Let me help you... Mary gets up and stands behind Harry. He MOANS nervously. She grabs his head in both hands and starts pulling it away from the bar. We see HARRY'S TONGUE STRETCH RIDICULOUSLY... FIVE INCHES... SIX... THEN EIGHT. Harry GROANS in pain. Suddenly, his TONGUE COMES UNDONE and Harry and Mary fall backwards out of the path of J.P. Shay's bullet as it WHIZZES BY. We hear the Mime in the b.g. CRY OUT in pain: MIME GODDAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK?! The poor Mime holds his bleeding hand and retreats nervously into the lodge as the CROWD BOOS him. CUT TO: INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON Lloyd's now swimming in despair, as the Athletic Beauty RAMBLES ON beside him. 98. ATHLETIC BEAUTY ...Anyway, after my boyfriend backed into my garage for the third time, I said to myself, 'Run, Cathy, run for your life before he kills you both'. Then you know what the klutz does and to be perfectly honest, I on't really care. (beat) Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not very good company today. I'll say. (beat) I have an idea. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself. LLOYD Maybe some other time. Lloyd motions for the BARTENDER. LLOYD (CONT'D) Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson, would you? BARTENDER Sure. Her family comes in here all the time. LLOYD Do you know where she lives? BARTENDER Yeah, they got that big place up on Alpine Drive. CUT TO: EXT. SWANSON CHALET - LATE AFTERNOON The hearse pulls up to the house and stops. INT. HEARSE MARY I've got to tell you, today was really just what I needed. Thanks a lot, Harry. HARRY My pleasure, Mary. She beams and gives him a KISS on the cheek. 99. MARY So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45? HARRY Better make it quarter to eight. I've got a few things to take care of first. Harry watches, lovestruck, as Mary gets out of the car and walks toward the house. HARRY (CONT'D) (to himself) Mary Dunne... Mrs. Mary Dunne... Got a nice ring to it. We PAN from the hearse to some nearby bushes, where we see a SHATTERED LLOYD WATCHING ALL THIS IN DISBELIEF. LLOYD Some best man. DISSOLVE TO: MONTAGE of Lloyd walking through the hills of Aspen, totally BUMMED OUT. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - EVENING Lloyd is sitting forlornly on the bed while Harry feigns surprise at what he's just heard. HARRY It doesn't make any sense, Lloyd. She told me ten o'clock sharp. Are you sure you went to the right bar? LLOYD Believe me, it was the right place. (SIGHS) I don't know, Har, maybe she just had second thoughts. HARRY I have a hard time believing that, Lloyd. The girl said she couldn't wait to see you again. Harry paces back and forth when suddenly SOMETHING OCCURES TO HIM. 100. HARRY (CONT'D) Wait a minute... LLOYD What? HARRY It just occurred to me. She must've meant ten o'clock at night. LLOYD (brightening) Do ya think...? HARRY Of course! Why would she have you meet her at a bar at ten in the morning? LLOYD (shrugging) I just figured she was a raging alcoholic. Harry BARKS OUT A LAUGH at their stupidity. HARRY Boy, aren't we a couple of beauties? LLOYD I knew there was an explanation. And here I thought she was standing me up. HARRY That'll teach you to jump to conclusions. (beat) Anyway, since you have your night all planned, I think I'll run out and catch a flick. As Harry walks into the closet to change, Lloyd clenches his fist and glares after him. Then he regains his composure and moves to the bar. LLOYD Will you join me in a good luck toast before you head out? 101. HARRY (o.s.) Sure thing, pal. Whatever you think will help your chances. Lloyd BITES HIS LIP at this. He fills two mugs with coffee and throws a splash of Bailey's in each. He check to make sure Harry is still in the closet, then pulls out a BOX OF EX-LAX. LLOYD DUMPS THE ENTIRE PACK INTO ONE MUG AND MIXES IT IN. WHEN HARRY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET DRESSED IN A NEW SUIT AND TIE, LLOYD DOES A DOUBLE- take. LLOYD Pretty snazzed out for a movie, aren't you? HARRY Uh... it's for mature audiences. I on't wanna chance getting turned away at the door. LLOYD I see. Lloyd hands him the mug with the Ex-Lax. Then he lifts his own glass. LLOYD (CONT'D) To my friend Harry the matchmaker. Harry feels a pang of guilt but drinks up anyway. HARRY Mmmmm... He GULPS DOWN THE DRINK. CUT TO: INT. HEARSE - NIGHT Harry's driving along, WHISTLING happily to himself in anticipation of the night. Suddenly we hear a LOW, INTESTINAL RUMBLE. He reacts and rubs his stomach. 102. EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT The hearse parks on the street and Harry gets out. He's walking up the steps to the house when we hear more GASEOUS THUNDER from his stomach. Harry stops in his tracks, gets his insides under control, and continues to the front porch, where he RINGS the bell. Mary answers the door, fiddling with her earrings. MARY Hi. Come on in. INT. SWANSON CHALET Harry follows her inside. MARY Make yourself at home. I'm almost ready. Just give me one more minute. As she disappears down a hallway, we hear Harry's UPSET STOMACH again. He notices a bathroom off the hallway and rushes inside. INT. BATHROOM HOLD ON Harry's face as he quickly pulls his pants down and nestles onto the throne. He lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF as he does his business, then leans over and SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW to air the room out. He's still glued to the toilet when he hears a KNOCK on the door. MARY (o.s.) Are you in there, Harry? HARRY (nervously) Be right out. MARY (o.s.) I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken. ZOOM IN TIGHT on Harry's face - his EYES GO WIDE and a visible SWEAT breaks out on his forehead. HARRY Huh? 103. MARY (o.s.) It doesn't flush. HARRY Um, no, I was just... shaving. EXT. HALLWAY A confused Mary is standing outside the bathroom door. MARY Shaving? HARRY (o.s.) Yeah! I was running a little late. Thought this would save time. MARY Okay. Well I'll be in the living room whenever you're ready. INT. BATHROOM Harry's got his pants back on and is lifting the lid off the toilet tank. He starts tinkering with a few valves. HARRY (under breath) Come on, flush, you bastard... EXT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT Mary's sitting patiently on the couch with her legs crossed. She looks at her watch, then flips on the TV. ON THE TUBE - the news is on. A WOMAN REPORTER is addressing the CAMERA gravely: REPORTER We'll be back in a minute with the story of the blind Indiana boy who was duped into buying a dead parakeet. We see Billy the blind boy from apartment 4-C sitting in his wheelchair, holding up Petey the parakeet with its head Scotch taped on its body. BLIND BOY ...I thought he was real quiet... 104. The Reporter shakes her head and they go to a commercial. Mary SHIVERS at this and turns off the television. Suddenly the DOORBELL RINGS. She gets up and opens the front door. HER POV - a dapper Lloyd is standing there in his new Aspen- chic clothes. MARY Yes...? LLOYD Hi. (beat) Don't you remember me? MARY Um... I'm not really... LLOYD South Bend. I drove you to the airport last week. MARY (dawning on her) Oh my god. Lloyd, right? Lloyd is thrilled at this. LLOYD You remembered. MARY What are you doing in Aspen? LLOYD I brought you your briefcase You left it at the airport so I picked it up for you. Mary's MOUTH DROPS OPEN. MARY You're the one who took my briefcase? LLOYD Yeah, it's back at my hotel room. Come on, let's take a ride. I'll give it to you. Mary is torn between getting her briefcase and waiting for Harry. MARY Wait right here. 105. She goes to the bathroom door. Inside we hear the LOUD CLANKING of metal against metal. MARY (CONT'D) Harry, what are you doing in there? INT. BATHROOM Harry's got the eintire toilet completely DISASSEMBLED now. Various pieces of the commode litter the floor, including the big plastic float ball. He's on his knees tinkering with some pipes coming out of the wall. HARRY Uh... just cleaning my teeth. Give me a minute, Mary, I'll be right with you. MARY (o.s.) Sorry, but something important's come up and I have to run out. It's sort of an emergency. I'll explain later. HARRY But Mary -- MARY (o.s.) --I'm really sorry, Harry. I promise we'll do this another time. Harry hears her FOOTSTEPS echo down the hallway and then the front DOOR CLOSING. Harry slumps against the sink, defeated. HARRY Great... CUT TO: INT. MARY'S JAGUAR - NIGHT Lloyd is in the passenger seat, wearing a subtle, SATISFIED SMILE. An anxious looking Mary is at the wheel. EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT The Jaguar pulls up in front of the hotel. As Lloyd and Mary get out, we PAN OVER to reveal that they were being followed by Nicholas Andre and J.P. Shay in a Mercedes. 106. INT. ANDRE'S MERCEDES Andre pulls a PISTOL from beneath his seat and slips it into his coat. ANDRE They're mine... INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE The door opens and Lloyd and Mary ENTER. LLOYD ..So anyway, as soon as I got to town I tried to look you up but I idn't know your last name. He leads her to the closed BRIEFCASE which is sitting on the bed. MARY I don't believe it. You really have it. LLOYD 'Course I have it. When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport, he makes sure she gets all her luggage, no matter what he has to o. Mary looks at Lloyd and smiles. MARY This is incredible. You mean to say you drove two thousand miles just for me? LLOYD Well... no... I mean, you know, there were other reasons... (beat) Actually, yeah, I guess I did. She can't believe her ears. MARY That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard. 107. He drops his head and Mary leans over and kisses him on the cheek. CUT TO: INT. HEARSE - NIGHT A sullen Harry is driving back to the hotel. HARRY (MUMBLING to himself) It's all Kharma, Harry. You screw your best friend over and it's gonna come back to haunt you, plain and simple... CUT TO: INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE CLOSE ON LLOYD'S FACE - he's starry-eyed in love as he spills his guts. LLOYD Look, Mary, I know this may seem a little sudden but I've given it a lot of thought: You're the woman I've been waiting for my whole life, and I'm not ashamed to admit it -- (holds up his hand) --Please, let me finish. (DEEP BREATH) I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anyone. You make it so easy for me to tell you my innermost desires. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Listen to me, I feel like a schoolboy again. (beat) A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you. Suddenly we hear TOILET FLUSHING O.S. REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS that Lloyd has been talking to an EMPTY CHAIR. The bathroom oor opens and Mary comes out. She looks around, expecting to see someone else. MARY Oh... I thought I heard you talking to someone. 108. Lloyd is flustered. He swallows hard. It's the moment of truth. LLOYD Mary... (BLURTING OUT) I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy. MARY (taken aback) Maybe I should be going now. LLOYD No, that's not what Imeant. I meant... I really like you, Mary. I like you a lot. She smiles at this. LLOYD (CONT'D) I'm gonna ask you something flat out and I want you to answer me honestly: What do you think the chances are of a girl like you and a guy like me ending up together? Mary is obviously thrown by this question. MARY Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean we hardly -- LLOYD --I asked you to be honest, Mary. MARY But Lloyd, I really can't -- LLOYD --Come on, give it to me straight. I rove a long way to see you, the least you can do is level with me. What are my chances? MARY Not good. BEAT LLOYD You mean not good, like one out of a hundred? 109. MARY I'd say more like one out of a million. BEAT LLOYD (Duh) So you're telling me there's a chance? Just then, there's a KNOCK at the door. When Lloyd opens it, he's face to face with Nicholas Andre. MARY Nicholas... what are you doing here? ANDRE I've been looking for you, Mary. I've got some interesting news about your husband. Lloyd looks at MAry, devastated. LLOYD Husband? ANDRE Aren't you two going to invite me in? Lloyd and Mary hear a CLICK and turn to see Andre POINTING A GUN at them. Andre steps into the room, and we CUT TO: INT. HOTEL DANBURY - LOBBY - NIGHT As Harry mopes through the lobby, we hear someone CALL OUT: WOMAN'S VOICE (o.s.) Hey! Harry turns to see the Athletic Beauty approaching. HARRY You...? What are you doing here? CUT TO: INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE Nicholas Andre has his gun pointed at a stunned Lloyd and Mary. 110. ANDRE Well at least you two got to say your goodbyes. LLOYD Who are you? ANDRE Don't play dumb with me, asshole. I'm the rightful ower of that briefcase you've been carrying. LLOYD Uh-oh. Mary can't believe what's happening. MARY Nicholas, you... you motherfucker! My family trusted you! ANDRE Shut up! LLOYD Uh, sir, about the briefcase, I want you to know, my friend Harry and I have every intention of reimbursing you. Andre looks alarmed. He motions Mary to the briefcase with his gun. ANDRE Open that damn thing! Mary opens the briefcase and a pile of WHITE, CRUMPLED-UP BALLS OF PAPER fall out along with a few packets of hundreds. ANDRE (CONT'D) What the hell's this? Where's all the money? LLOYD That's as good as money, sir. Those are our IOUs. You can add them up yourself. Every penny's accounted for. Andre looks like his head is about to BURST in anger. ANDRE You're fucking dead! 111. LLOYD Now don't do anything hasty, man. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL HALLWAY Harry gets out of the elevator and lets himself into the Presidential Suite. INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE Harry ENTERS looking contrite and CALLS OUT: HARRY Lloyd, are you home? We've gotta talk, man. I have a serious confession to make. Harry comes around the corner and STOPS COLD. HIS POV - Lloyd and Mary are lying on the bed, their arms handcuffed to the bedpost. HARRY (CONT'D) Oh good, you found her. I'll just leave you two kids alone. Harry turns to go, but bumps into the MUZZLE OF ANDRE'S GUN. ANDRE Why don't you stay and join the party? CUT TO: INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - A FEW MINUTES LATER Harry is sitting beside Lloyd and Mary on the bed. Nicholas Andre keeps his gun trained on them while he SPEAKS on the phone: ANDRE ..I want a one-way ticket to Rio De Janerio departing as soon as possible... ON THE BED - Harry and Lloyd can't look each other in the eye. MARY You mean you two know each other? 112. LLOYD (cutting) Yeah, we used to be best friends. HARRY Until he turned into a backstabber. LLOYD Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve. I saw her first. HARRY Hey, I couldn't help it if she found me irresistable. Mary ROLLS HER EYES at this. LLOYD But you knew how crazy I was about her. HARRY Yeah, and you knew how crazy I was about Fraida Felcher, but that didn't stop you, did it? LLOYD (waning righteousness) What are you talking about? HARRY Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sordid story. Lloyd can't muster a defense. LLOYD Look... I was gonna tell you about that. It was gonna be mentioned at the reading of my will. I swear, you can ask my lawyer. Harry glares at him. HARRY Well I guess we both learned a little something about each other, didn't we? LLOYD You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good friends as we thought we were. 113. HARRY Guess not. LLOYD I mean, if one beautiful girl could rip us apart like this, then it seems our friendship isn't worth a damn. (beat) Maybe we should call it quits right here. HARRY Just tell me where to sign, bud. Suddenly they hear the metallic CLICK-CLACK OF A GUN BEING COCKED. ANDRE Okay, which one of you losers wants to die first? The guys exchange a look and SWALLOW HARD. HARRY I wouldn't pull that trigger if I were you. ANDRE Why not? It'll look like just another Aspen love triangle. You caught the two of them in bed, handcuffed them to the post, murdered them, and killed yourself. HARRY (smug) Except you're forgetting one minor etail. ANDRE What's that? Lloyd and Mary look at Harry, hopeful. HARRY If you kill us, you'd be killing yourself. ANDRE (puzzled) Huh? 114. HARRY You see, philosophers believe that we're all really just tiny pieces of one huge universal being. In other words, I am you and you are me, so if you were to kill us you'd be committing suicide, you unenlightened idiot -- ANDRE --Shut up! Mary sees that they're in deep shit now. MARY What about my husband? Did you kill him, too? HARRY Husband? What husband? LLOYD Mary's married, Harry. ANDRE No need to worry about Melvin. (beat) Now this is the last time I'll ask: Who wants to die first? Harry gestures with his head at Mary. HARRY Kill her. The bitch should've told him she was married back at the airport. It would've saved us a lot of trouble. Andre points the gun at Mary. LLOYD No, I'll go first, Harry. I was the one who got you into this mess. Andre points the gun at Lloyd. HARRY No, wait, do me first. I'm the one who stole your girl, Lloyd. I eserve it. 115. Andre SIGHS and points the gun at Harry. Then, as Mary and Lloyd look on in horror, he FIRES TWICE. Harry grabs his stomach and falls off the bed to the floor. LLOYD Jesus Christ! You killed my best friend, you bastard! Andre smiles. ANDRE If it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited. He aims the gun at Lloyd, COCKS THE TRIGGER. Suddenly, a SHOT RINGS OUT and the gun is blown out of Andre's hand. ON THE FLOOR - Harry is very much alive and pointing a pistol at the stunned Nicholas Andre. LLOYD Harry! You're alive! Just them, the door BURSTS OPEN and SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS storm in with their weapons drawn. COP #1 Get your hands up, asshole! Lloyd and Harry throw their hands into the air. A stunned Andre turns to see six guns pointing at his head. He reluctantly raises his hands. Mary and Lloyd are flabbergasted by the turn of events. There's a sudden commotion in the room. Pushing her way through the mass of cops comes the Athletic Beauty. She flashes an ID. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Special Officer Kathryn Frick. Federal Bureau of Investigation. LLOYD (dumbstruck) You gotta be kidding. ATHLETIC BEAUTY Good work, Harry. Lloyd looks to his friend, confused. Harry opens his shirt, revealing a BULLET-PROOF VEST. 116. HARRY She grabbed me down in the lobby and explained what was up. They slapped this on me and gave me a gun. LLOYD (to Athletic Beauty) But how did you...? ATHLETIC BEAUTY We've been following you two all the way from Providence. Mr. and Mrs. Swanson had a homing device plated in the briefcase. The guys glance guiltily at one another. HARRY Yeah, about that dough... ATHLETIC BEAUTY Every bill was counterfeit and marked. Harry and Lloyd EXHALE A SIGH OF RELIEF. CUT TO: EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT There's a swarm of ONLOOKERS as Andre and J.P. Shay are hustled into a police car and driven away. While Mary TALKS to the police, Harry and Lloyd stare at her lovingly. LLOYD She's something, ain't she, Har? HARRY You were right, Lloyd. She was efinitely worth the trip. LLOYD Guess we have to admit it, she was too good for us. Just then, a cruiser pulls up and Mary's husband jumps out. MELVIN Oh god, baby, I missed you! Harry and Lloyd stare in wonder as MEL GIBSON climbs out of the car. Mary and Mel embrace, then Mel turns to the guys. 117. MELVIN (CONT'D) I can't thank you enough, fellas. It was so darn dank in that well, I really thought it would be the death of me. Harry and Lloyd are too stunned to respond. They look at each other, and we DISSOLVE TO: INT. LOBBY - HOTEL DANBURY - THE NEXT DAY Lloyd and Harry come out of the elevator with their meager luggage, but this time nobody rushes to their aid. EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY The guys EXIT the hotel and approach the Bell Captain, Barnard. HARRY Hey, Barney... BELL CAPTAIN Yes, gentlemen? LLOYD Look, we just wanted to say that we appreciate all you did for us during our stay. HARRY And we're, um, sorry about the money we gave you turning out to be phony. BELL CAPTAIN Don't worry about it, gentlemen. The Swanson family has promised to reimburse everyone. This seems to please Lloyd and Harry. The hearse is delivered to the front door. LLOYD Well, anyway, thanks again for everything. They turn to go, but Barnard CALLS TO THEM: BARNARD Where are you two headed? 118. HARRY I dunno. I'm sure we'll find a trailer camp somewhere to call home. BARNARD Why not right here? Harry and Lloyd look at each other, confused. LLOYD This joint is a little out of our budget, Barney. BARNARD (smiling) Oh, I think we might be able to find you a free room somewhere -- after all, like you once told me, we're all from the same mold. (winks) You just don't have any dough right now. The guys are STUNNED by Barnard's generous offer. HARRY Are you on the level? BARNARD Absolutely. We'll just slide you into one of the employee rooms... The guys beam at this. BARNARD (CONT'D) ...Provided, of course, you don't mind working one or two afternoons a week. Harry and Lloyd lock eyes. Then: LLOYD You know what, Barney, I think we'll take out chances down the road. Barnard shakes his head as the two fools climb into their hearse and drive off. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY As the hearse drives down the road, we hear V.O.: 119. HARRY (v.o.) Since we're finished elbow-rubbing, what next, lloyd? LLOYD (v.o.) I say we head due south and try a little nose-rubbing with some of them slinky eskimo babes. HARRY (v.o.) Now you're talking my language. You know I got a weakness for blondes. As they head toward their next adventure, the CAMERA PULLS UP, UP, UP... END CREDITS THE END

EASY "A" Written by Bert V. Royal FIRST DRAFT August 3, 2008 IN DARKNESS: OLIVE (V.O.) The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. FADE IN: INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY OLIVE PENDERGHAST (17), a cute teenager, speaks directly into the WEBCAM atop her computer. OLIVE Let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind, ample breast size and the occasional corny knock knock joke, do enter this video blog into evidence in the case against me. Because I'm being judged by a jury of my peers, I will attempt to insert `like' and `totally' into my confession as much as possible. So here it goes... I confess I'm, in no small part, to blame for the vociferous gossip that has turned my Varsity letter scarlet, but - for anyone hoping that the sizzling details of my sordid past will provide you with a reason to lock the door and make love to a dollop of your sister's moisturizing lotion - you'll be gravely disappointed. (Beat.) Look, I just need to set the record straight and what better way to do that, than to broadcast it on the Internet. So, here it is -- Part One: The Shudder-Inducing and Cliched, However Totally False Account Of How I Lost My Virginity To A Guy At A Community College In A Neighboring Town. (Beat.) Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story. This is my side, the right one. (Beat.) Like, totally. 2. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Olive sits with her best friend, RHIANNON ABERNATHY (17), a brash teenager. It would be safe to say that these girls are definitely on the "B List" at their school. RHIANNON Fuck off! George is not a `sexy' name. George is like what you name your teddy bear, not the name you wanna scream out during an orgasm. OLIVE That's bullshit. There are lots of sexy Georges. RHIANNON Name three. Olive starts to say something, but Rhiannon interrupts her. RHIANNON (CONT'D) Besides Clooney. Too easy. OLIVE Shouldn't that alone be enough? RHIANNON Fine. That's one. Number two? OLIVE (THINKING) Okay. George... Ummmm... Reeves! RHIANNON Who's that? OLIVE Superman. From way back. He was hot. RHIANNON No way. Teddy bear. OLIVE Bullshit. Ben Affleck played him in that movie! RHIANNON So what? Charlize Theron played that butt-fucking-ugly lesbo serial killer. Besides he's from another century. (MORE) 3. RHIANNON (CONT'D) We're speaking present day. I mean, Jesus, Mortimer was probably a sexy name in some era. OLIVE George Stephanopolous. RHIANNON What are you? Fifty? OLIVE (THINKING HARD) George... RHIANNON Bush? Yeah. He's one hot mutherfucker. Just face it. There's no such thing as a sexy George. OLIVE Well, mine is. So, I think we should just put this conversation to bed. RHIANNON Fine. Don't come. I hate you. Rhiannon folds her arms and pouts. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive continues to narrate into her webcam. OLIVE Let me back up. I don't know if any of you have ever met them, but Rhiannon's parents are quite possibly the creepiest people in a four county radius. INT. THE ABERNATHY LIVING ROOM MR. and MRS. ABERNATHY (50's) sit on their couch, smiling at the television, in their horrifically rustic home. MR. ABERNATHY bares a striking resemblance to ukelele player, Tiny Tim. (Although the man we're looking at has an even more frightening smile.) MRS. ABERNATHY has hair to her ankles and dresses like a Mormon. 4. OLIVE (V.O.) I've always felt sort of sorry for Rhiannon, but not enough to do what she was asking me to do. We float upwards to - INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Rhiannon is on the phone, agitated. RHIANNON (Into the phone) PLEASE. Please. I'm begging you. I'll pay you. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Olive is on the other end of the phone conversation. We INTERCUT between the two sides. OLIVE Rhi, I can't. I told you I have plans. RHIANNON You're lying. You're a lying bitch and I hate you so much right now. OLIVE (LYING) I'm not lying. I promise I'm not. I really would love to go camping with your family this weekend. I had fun with your family last year. EXT. WOODS - LAST YEAR - NIGHT Olive, uncomfortable, and Rhiannon, bored, sit around a campfire with the Abernathys. The couple stare at the fire with the same creepy smile plastered on their faces. There is an excruciatingly long and painful silence. MR. ABERNATHY Would you like a marshmallow, Olive Oil? 5. Mrs. Abernathy squeaks out a meek titter that is annoyingly high-pitched. MRS. ABERNATHY Olive oil. That's funny. Very, very funny. OLIVE (POLITELY) No thank you, Mr. Abernathy. MR. ABERNATHY You can call me Mortimer, Olive Branch. Mrs. Abernathy titters again. Rhiannon rolls her eyes. There is another awkwardly long silence, while the Abernathys grin away at their fire. INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Rhiannon is getting increasingly angrier at her friend. RHIANNON (Into the phone) Why don't you just say it? You don't like my parents. You think they're hopelessly pathetic and devoid of souls and wish that you could live with normal people who didn't meet at a Star Trek convention!! She quickly catches her faux pas and stops talking. OLIVE (Sympathetic to her FRIEND) Rhi, I like your parents. They're sweet. But I can't go camping this weekend. RHIANNON Quick. Hurry and make up a lie. OLIVE I have a date. RHIANNON Liar. 6. OLIVE (LYING) No. I do. RHIANNON With who? OLIVE You don't know him. RHIANNON And neither do you, you selfish bitch! OLIVE I'm serious. He goes to the community college with my brother in Denton. RHIANNON What's his name then? OLIVE (WAXING CUTE) Who? My brother? RHIANNON Stop stalling. You're totally trying to come up with a name. Just say it. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE I'm not proud of this. Less about the lie and more about the unoriginality of it. Okay, have you guys ever watched `The Brady Bunch'? Of course you haven't. You're busy watching fake people pretend to be real on MTV. That's why I knew I could get away with it. See, there was this episode where Jan - the awkward middle child - made up a boyfriend to assuage the ridicule of her snatchy sister who had just stolen the heart of the boy that Jan loved. The name of her imaginary boyfriend WAS -- 7. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY OLIVE (Into the phone) George Glass. RHIANNON George? What kind of a fucking name is George? OLIVE He's pretty hot and he asked me out this weekend, so I said yes. Although still skeptical, she seems a tad more mollified. RHIANNON If you're choosing him over helping me cope with two days in the wilderness with these people who even I'm not convinced aren't serial killers, he had better be the one. You had better fucking marry him, have fucking babies with him and then take him for fucking everything he's worth. OLIVE Deal. INT. CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS Rhi and Olive continue their conversation, as Rhi pops a tater tot into her mouth. RHIANNON (With her mouth full) You're not off the hook, you know. I want lurid details. This had better be the best date of your life to counterbalance the worst weekend of mine. OLIVE I'm sure you'll have a good time. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Rhi sits, bored and uncomfortable, while her parents smile at the campfire for an, again, awkwardly long moment. 8. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY To her webcam -- OLIVE (Through the proverbial CLENCHED TEETH) Even though we now hate each other, Rhi, I really hope you're watching this. Because this part's for you. The lurid details of my weekend en flagrante delicto with the all-too- imaginary, yet surprisingly satisfying George Glass: Ken Nordine's beat poem `OLIVE,' (from the late 60's album `Colors'), underscored to jazz, plays as we see a montage of OLIVE'S WEEKEND: In her bedroom, Olive -- -- watches `The Notebook,' pining over Ryan Gosling. KEN NORDINE (V.O.) Olive. Poor thing. -- paints her toenails Jungle Red. KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D) Sits and thinks that it's drab. Sure does. Sits and sits and sits and sits and THINKS about it's olive drab drab. -- dances to the jazz music, but alone, in her underwear and a t-shirt that declares: `Hands off.' KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D) DOESN'T KNOW that it is about to be named `Color of the Year,' by those with the nose for the new. By the passionate few. Yeah... -- reads TEEN PEOPLE magazine. KEN NORDINE (CONT'D) Olive is definitely in. EVERYTHING that can possibly mean (MORE) 9. KEN NORDINE (CONT'D) anything! Anywhere! At least for a year. -- dances some more. KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D) Has got to be Olive! Did you hear that Olive? Did ya? Know what it means? Oh Olive! There'll be olive cars and olive trucks and olive chickens and olive ducks and olive socks and olive garters And olive brakes and olive starters! Olive, sorry! Olive, please! OLIVE WHATNOTS and olive trees! Olive trees? What a quaint notion... Olive trees. (CHUCKLING) Olive. Out of breath from dancing, she walks over and displaces the NEEDLE from the KEN NORDINE ALBUM she's playing. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY To the webcam -- OLIVE But on Monday, when Rhi asked me how my weekend was... INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Olive and Rhi walk, with books in hand, to class - weaving in and out of people. OLIVE It was nothing short of perfection. 10. RHIANNON Details, bitch. Wait, first I need a scope of reference. Who would play him in the movie of your life? OLIVE Ryan Gosling, definitely. RHIANNON That works. Spill. OLIVE He was charming. A real gentleman. RHIANNON Are you going to see him again? OLIVE Probably not. It was just one of those weekends. RHIANNON The whole weekend? OLIVE Yeah. Rhiannon suddenly stops and twirls Olive to face her. RHIANNON Wait a minute. You didn't... OLIVE No, of course not. RHIANNON (VERY LOUDLY) You fucking liar! You totally lost your virginity to him. Pedestrian students stop in their tracks to stare at them. OLIVE I did not. RHIANNON YES YOU DID, YOU LYING FUCKING WHORE! Olive grabs her and drags her forward, interrupting the show. RHIANNON (CONT'D) Tell me everything and spare me the coquettish `just-the-tip' bullshit. (MORE) 11. RHIANNON (CONT'D) I know you did it! I know you let him put it inside you, so just TELL ME! OLIVE I'm not that kind of girl. RHIANNON The kind that does it or the kind that does it like a fucking porn star and then doesn't have the balls to talk about it? Rhi drags her into the -- INT. GIRLS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS -- and abrasively, gets up in Olive's face. RHIANNON I want every perverted detail. NOW, bitch. Pressured, Olive lies. OLIVE Okay. Fine. We did it. RHIANNON You lost your virginity! Fucking finally! Now, you're a super-slut like me! OLIVE Rhi. Blowing Peter Tolliver once behind the Pizza Hut doesn't make you a super-slut. RHIANNON There were people walking past. Whatever, this isn't about me. This is about YOU. What did you let him do? OLIVE (V.O.) I started piling on lie after lie. It was like setting up Jenga. CUT TO: 12. A well-manicured FEMALE HAND stacks WOODEN JENGA BLOCKS onto a table. BACK TO: OLIVE (CONT'D) It was... Normal. Nothing freaky. It was sweet. HE was sweet. RHIANNON Was he big? Did it hurt? OLIVE No. It was great. Like I said. Okay, that's enough. The toilet flushes and MARIANNE BRYANT (16), an Aryanesque, cardigan-wearing Christian-girl exits from a stall and walks to the sink, where she vigorously washes her hands - while staring at Rhi and Olive with disgust. RHIANNON What the fuck are you looking at, Marianne? MARIANNE Nothing. Just a couple of admitted whores. Marianne wipes her hands and leaves the restroom. Olive's stomach revolves at her now-turned-public admission. OLIVE So, how was your weekend? (I promise it's the last time...) EXT. WOODS - NIGHT The Abernathys smile at the campfire, roasting WEINERS. Rhiannon would rather be anywhere other than there. MR. ABERNATHY Wienie, Rhi? Rhi snorts in contempt of her father and his wienie. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- 13. OLIVE Marianne Bryant, as we all know, is the President of the Christian Student Coalition and is that rare breed of human born with a stick the size of a baseball bat implanted up her anus. God's honest. I'm sure it's in some medical dictionary somewhere. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR Marianne and her lackey, NINA HOWELL (16), who's just as awful as she is, pass out flyers. OLIVE (V.O.) Last year's cause celebre was the changing of the school mascot, which she spearheaded. Marianne aggressively shoves her literature into passing students faces. INT. GYM - LAST YEAR The school's MASCOT (17), a SHIRTLESS MUSCULAR KID painted BLUE and costumed as a DEVIL, bursts into the auditorium and begins to rile students up by thrusting his PITCHFORK in the air. MASCOT Blue Devils! Blue Devils! Blue Devils! The crowd goes wild. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR - CONTINUOUS Marianne, melodramatically, grabs a PASSING STUDENT by the arm. MARIANNE How can we exhibit school pride when we're conveyed to others as satan worshippers? The scared student takes her pamphlet and runs away. 14. OLIVE (V.O.) Now, thankfully, we're the much less intimidating -- INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - MONTHS LATER The mascot, unenthusiastic and feeling ridiculous, walks into the gym dressed as a -- OLIVE (V.O.) Meerkat. MASCOT Go meerkats! Go meerkats! He can't seem to get himself or the student body as excited - with the exception of Marianne and Nina, in the stands applauding proudly. The school band is playing `GOLDFINGER.' Across the gym, Olive sits with Rhiannon. RHIANNON What the fuck is a meerkat anyway? OLIVE Beats the hell out of me. But can we just take a moment to applaud the Barbara Bush High School Marching Band for their very ambitious effort to learn all of the James Bond theme music in a single year? I personally wish them all the best in their endeavor. Ku-dos! RHIANNON I think I speak for all of the female students and faculty - and maybe a couple of males - when I say that I liked Todd much better when he was shirtless. I actually looked forward to these disturbing displays of -- what do they call it? OLIVE School spirit. RHIANNON Yeah. That's it. 15. OLIVE Even dressed as a meerkat, I still fantasize about him. RHIANNON Ha! What are those people called again? The ones that dress up like stuffed animals when they do it? OLIVE Communists. Rhiannon laughs. RHIANNON Shhh. Don't let Marianne hear you say that word. The last thing we need is McCarthyism at Barbara Bush. OLIVE Isn't high school already a hotbed of just that? RHIANNON True. (Beat.) Yeah, I'd totally fuck Meerkat Todd. They both get lost in the thought. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE So, of course, immediately I knew that the little white lie I told to my then-best-friend in the ladies room would come back to bite me on the ass. However, even I - who my fourth grade teacher stated on my report card `has an imagination that should be quickly expunged' - had no idea how quickly this article of fiction would spread. So, now we move on to Part Two: The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude. 16. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Olive loads books into her locker. She sees Marianne walk past with Nina. They give her a repulsed look. Olive decides to nip this in the bud. She catches up to them. OLIVE Hey Marianne, can I talk to you for a second? Nina, reluctantly, gives them a moment alone. MARIANNE (EXASPERATED) What? OLIVE Listen, what you heard in the bathroom, that wasn't true. It's actually a funny story. Do you ever watch `The Brady Bunch'? MARIANNE Olive - that's your name, right? Olive knows that Marianne knows her name, but obligingly nods. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I'm not the one you have to answer to for your depraved behavior. There is a higher power to judge your indecency. OLIVE (JOKINGLY) Who? The guidance counselor? MARIANNE (ICILY) I hope for your sake, God has a sense of humor. OLIVE Oh, I have sixteen years worth of anecdotal proof that He does. Olive looks over and sees that Nina is talking to a group of GUYS, who are looking at Olive, intrigued. 17. OLIVE (CONT'D) (SOTTO VOCE) Damn it. Marianne sees what her friend is doing and smiles at Olive, coldly. MARIANNE Look. You've made your bed. I just hope for your sake, you cleaned the sheets. She turns on her heels and leaves Olive behind. OLIVE (TO HERSELF) Did I just get saved? She shakes off her attempt and continues on her way, walking past the guys who smile at her. This alarms her. GUY IN HALL Hey Olive. How's it going? Without stopping -- OLIVE I'm swell, guy-I've-never-laid-eyes- on-before. Thanks for asking. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) All I could think to myself was `Great, now I'm going to have to start wearing red lipstick and stiletto heels.' Battling her frustration, she goes to class. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Olive eats dinner with her family. Her father, DILL (40's), is a regular dad-kinda-guy. Her mother, ROSEMARY (40's) is heavyset with a fun disposition. Also in attendance is her `a-little-too-precious' sister, GINGER (12). Olive and her folks get along really well. OLIVE Hey, you guys know that I was here all weekend, right? 18. They all nod at her. OLIVE (CONT'D) And you would testify to that? DILL (SLIGHTLY CONCERNED) What's up, sweet pea? OLIVE It's nothing. Just the rumor mill. ROSEMARY What's the rumor mill turning out these days? OLIVE Seriously, it's nothing. They continue to eat. ROSEMARY Don't forget your brother's staying here next weekend. OLIVE Why? He never comes home. ROSEMARY They're fumigating the dorms. And thank God for that. Last time I was there, I saw three cockroaches. GINGER (WHINY) Mom, can you please not say that word while I'm eating? ROSEMARY Sorry, hon. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE Like all families, mine has a deep dark secret. And since I'm spilling all this dirt, I might as well go ahead and confess it. She takes a deep breath. 19. OLIVE (CONT'D) I'm trusting that this nugget of information isn't going to be spread around, but - okay, here it goes: My dad's name is Dill and my mother's name is Rosemary. They were so amused by this that they decided to name all of their children after -- (FEIGNING DISCOMFORT) -- edible items. (With mock emotion) My brother's name is Sage and my sister's name is Ginger. It's shocking, I know. We're like a fucking pantry, us Penderghasts! (SNAPPING BACK) But at least my parents didn't meet at a `Star Trek' convention, BITCH! Sorry. Now, I'm just being mean. Okay. Back to the story. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY As Olive walks through school, she is met with a totally different energy. She no longer blends in. Guys are checking her out. Girls are glaring at her, scornfully. She's kind of digging it. OLIVE (V.O.) So, while I would never have classified myself as a wallflower, I was now the center of attention and who doesn't love that? Jeez, if I'd known that losing my virginity would create such a new persona for myself, I'd have lied about it back in eighth grade. Eighth grade sucked. I did get my first kiss back then, however. It was gross and kind of turned me off to the whole my-tongue-in-other- people's-mouths thing. Not to mention, the even-worse other- people's-tongues-in-MY-mouth thing. Seriously, folks. Who invented kissing? Why is everyone so dead- set on sticking their body parts in other people's orifices? If there's a hole on a person, rest assured, somebody wants to stick something of theirs in it. 20. INT. CLOSET In almost complete darkness, a very nervous EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (13) sits with a scared shitless EIGHTH GRADE KID (13). You can hear other PRE-TEENS snickering and whispering outside the door. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE So, I think this is the part where you're supposed to stick your tongue in my mouth. It's just what I've heard. EIGHTH GRADE KID Just give me a second, okay? Olive presses a button and her watch illuminates. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE According to my watch, you have 382 of them. EIGHTH GRADE KID How do you do that? EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE What? EIGHTH GRADE KID Add so fast. And you also talk like a grown up. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Don't worry. I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am. The kid snickers. He feels a little more at ease. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D) I think it's just practice. For when I do grow up. Plus, don't sweat it. Girls mature faster than boys. EIGHTH GRADE KID That's what they say. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE And it's probably the reason I'm ready to do this and you're not. EIGHTH GRADE KID Is it that obvious? 21. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Painfully so. EIGHTH GRADE KID So, if we didn't do anything, would you tell everybody? EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Absolutely. I will tell everyone you pussied out and the whole school will make fun of you and you'll most likely spend the rest of your teen years as a joke - no, even worse - a cautionary tale. They both laugh. EIGHTH GRADE KID The Kid Who Opted Not To Kiss The Girl. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE They'll tell it for years. It'll be a suburban legend. The kid smiles warmly and gratefully at her. EIGHTH GRADE KID Thanks, Olive. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Don't mention it. EIGHTH GRADE KID No. YOU don't mention it. She extends her pinky to him. They link pinkies and they swear on it. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE We still have five minutes and thirty six seconds. There's a long silence. EIGHTH GRADE KID I'm really interested in politics. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Oh yeah? EIGHTH GRADE KID Totally. 22. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Well,... Uh.... Cool. There's another long silence. Finally, from outside the door -- PRETEEN KID (O.S.) Ewwwww. Hunter Neblett just puked all over the dining room. Olive and the kid listen as people scurry from outside the closet. EIGHTH GRADE KID Thank God. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE Hey, we're in Junior High. Vomit- viewing will always trump spit- swapping. The kid starts to make his grand escape, but Olive stops him. EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D) Real fast - and you can tell me the truth. It's not because I'm -- The kid smiles. EIGHTH GRADE KID No. You're very pretty. He extends his pinky and she links it to hers. He kisses her quickly on the cheek and darts from the closet. Olive sits in the closet for a moment, contemplating what just happened, wondering if he was telling the truth, then she opens the door. The coast is clear, except for ANOTHER PRETEEN KID walking past. She aggressively grabs him and pulls him into the closet with her and, promptly, thrusts her tongue into his mouth. They make out. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive seems lost in thought. She snaps back to reality and the task at hand. 23. OLIVE If I'd known that Meerkat Todd was going to turn out so hot, I probably would have cherished the moment more. I suppose just that I'm sitting here reminiscing about it means that it must have meant something. (Beat.) Yeah, so anyway - kissing's not really my thing. That's what I learned in Natalie Giblin's closet. I digress... INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Olive half-listens in class, while her English teacher MR. GRIFFIN (early 30's), a handsome guy, lectures on `THE SCARLET LETTER.' OLIVE (V.O.) So, I'm feeling like the cat's ass, because everyone thinks I've been deflowered. I'm surprised at how empowered I felt by this prevarication. I wonder to myself, would I feel this invigorated if I had actually let some college kid violate me in his cockroach- infested dorm room? Probably not. (Beat.) Ironically, we were studying `The Scarlet Letter,' but isn't that always the way with these teenage tales? The literature you read in class always seems to have a strong connection with whatever angsty adolescent drama is being recounted. I consider this. (Pause.) Then I think: Except for `Huckleberry Finn.' I don't know any teenage boys who have ever run away with a big, hulking black guy. MR. GRIFFIN Alright, so thoughts? Nina raises her hand. Mr. Griffin points to her. NINA I think Hester Prynne was - excuse my language - a whore. 24. MR. GRIFFIN You don't see her as a victim? NINA Why should I? She brought it on herself. Nina whips around and gives Olive a look, surprising her. OLIVE Excuse me? NINA Perhaps you should embroider a red A on your wardrobe? OLIVE Perhaps you should GET a wardrobe, you twat! The class bursts into surprised laughter. Even Mr. Griffin tries hard to suppress a congratulatory glance in her direction. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) Admittedly, not my best line. But it was provocative enough to land me in the Principal's office. Mr. Griffin, begrudgingly, calls her to his desk. He starts writing something on a piece of paper. INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Olive sits with her arms crossed outside of the Principal's office. She clenches a note in her fist. Marianne, who's an office aid, has a smirk on her face as she watches Olive squirm. She slams her fist down on the stapler, repetitively. FINALLY -- MARIANNE Seems as if someone's on a downward spiral. OLIVE Seems as if someone's practicing the mundane activities she'll be saddled with the rest of her pathetic life. 25. MARIANNE You have a chip on your shoulder the size of Texas. OLIVE Wow, that's even bigger than your ass. MARIANNE (COLDLY) You're going to hell. OLIVE (Growing weary of this BANTER) As long as you won't be there... MARIANNE Oh, I can assure you I won't. Neither says anything for a few moments. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I hope you at least had the good sense to wear a condom. OLIVE Why? Your parents didn't. MARIANNE You know, you're just like -- The principal's door opens and Marianne quickly shuts up and continues her work. TWO KIDS emerge. One, obviously, a bully; the other, obviously, the bullied. The BULLIED kid is holding a BLOODIED TISSUE up to his nose. He and Olive exchange meaningful glances. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (60's), a colossal prick disguised as a man, gestures for her to come in. Olive gets up and enters -- INT. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS He closes the door behind them. He holds his hand out and she gives him the note that Mr. Griffin wrote. Gibbons studies it. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS I don't know you. She thrusts her hand out. 26. OLIVE Olive Penderghast. He eyes her hand, not amused, and she quickly withdraws it. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS Why are we just now meeting? Using language like this should have warranted a visit to me years ago. OLIVE Well, to be perfectly honest - I've never used an epithet like this in an educational arena before. Sir. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS This is foul. OLIVE In my defense, I think I meant to say `twit.' It just came out more - what's the word I'm looking for? Veracious. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS A young lady with such an extensive vocabulary shouldn't be stooping to such vituperations. OLIVE (SMILING) Touché. As serious as a heart attack... PRINCIPAL GIBBONS Wipe that smile off your face -- (Consulting the note) Olive. I don't tolerate this kind of language. Ever. Consider this your first warning. If I find out you've used a word like this in my school again, I will make sure that it's your last. I don't operate on a `three strikes you're out system'. You get one warning from me. She starts to say something -- PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (CONT'D) Think very carefully before you speak. 27. She relents, but stares him squarely in the eyes. OLIVE I always do. Are we finished? He gestures to the door. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS Detention tomorrow after school in Room 704. And, young lady, I don't want to see you again. OLIVE Not even in a more positive capacity? Maybe I could win a ribbon or a medal or something. I could conceivably be valedictorian. Or something. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS) Get out of my office now. She quickly runs out of his office. EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY Rhiannon, excitedly, approaches Olive - dying to talk to her. RHIANNON Please tell me the rumors are true. OLIVE Yes, I'm a big whore. RHIANNON Not that one. The one where you called Nina Howell a cunt and then socked her in the nose. OLIVE It's not entirely true. (Beat.) Look, there's something I need to tell you. Rhiannon ignores her sincere attempt to confess. RHIANNON Yeah. Like the exact moment you turned into such a BAD ASS? I think I'm in LOVE with you. (MORE) 28. RHIANNON (CONT'D) Please tell me you at least left a mark on that scrunched-up face of hers. POW! The cunt goes down for the count! OLIVE (FRUSTRATED) Never mind. Rhiannon pulls her keys from her purse and they walk to her car. OLIVE (CONT'D) I want a car. RHIANNON Please. It's my only perk. Trust me. They get into her car. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT The scene looks the same. Olive sits with her family, having family dinner. OLIVE I got sent to the Principal today. Her parents seem more impressed than upset. This is definitely a first. DILL What did you do? OLIVE I used inappropriate language in English class. But we're reading a book that I, personally, deem wildly inappropriate for my age group, so I felt that it was actually quite apropos. ROSEMARY (More curious than angry) What did you say? Olive looks to her little sister and thinks better of saying the word out loud. OLIVE Let's just say it was an inappropriate word. 29. DILL What did it start with? OLIVE A snide comment from a snotty-ass girl in my class. DILL I meant what letter did it start with? OLIVE Oh. Yeah. T. ROSEMARY T? That's an odd one. Is this one of those new curse words? Both her parents wheels are going. They're both seeking the answer in their heads, but are coming up with nothing. ROSEMARY (CONT'D) Was it -- ? She leans over and whispers something in her daughter's ear. OLIVE I don't even know what that means. ROSEMARY Yeah. Neither do I. Her parents search their brains, but nothing is coming to them. DILL Okay. Noun, adjective or verb? OLIVE Noun. Definitely slang. Think British, although they pronounce it differently. ROSEMARY Well, I'm stumped. Whisper it in my ear. OLIVE I can't. Too weird. Excited by the prospect -- ROSEMARY Oo! Oo! Spell it with your peas! 30. OLIVE Now, THAT'S a challenge. She begins maneuvering her peas around the plate. DILL Does this have something to do with this rumor you were talking about the other night? Olive touches her index finger to her nose, as she continues to manipulate her food. DILL (CONT'D) Is there something you want to tell us, kiddo? OLIVE I'm spelling it out for you as quickly as I can. GINGER (Desperate for attention) I got a B plus on my spelling test today. Too intrigued by Olive's admission to really care -- ROSEMARY Good, sweetheart. Rosemary figures it out as Olive is assembling the A. ROSEMARY (CONT'D) Oh, I know what it is! She leans over and whispers it in Dill's ear. He nods in understanding. GINGER (Glancing at Olive's PLATE) What's a twat? Olive quickly scrapes the peas into a pile. DILL It's a word that will get you sent to the principal's office. ROSEMARY (Whispering into Ginger's EAR) It's not a good word. (MORE) 31. ROSEMARY (CONT'D) (TO OLIVE) So, what was the principal like? OLIVE The male equivalent. ROSEMARY Of what? Now, it's Dill's turn to whisper in Rosemary's ear. She nods in understanding. DILL Well, it's the first time since second grade, so I guess we can't be too hard on you. OLIVE (GENUINELY CURIOUS) What would my punishment have been otherwise? DILL I dunno. To bed without supper? OLIVE But I'm already finished. Except for my helpful and profane peas. DILL (THINKING HARD) Uhhhh. This grounding thing seems to be taking the country by storm. No phone, TV or... Or.... OLIVE I'll help you out. I don't have anyone to call. I haven't watched TV since they cancelled `The Illegitimate Children of the Real Housewives of Laguna Beach' and I really only watched that as a joke. DILL Fine. I'd take away your -- OLIVE Books? Computer? DILL Yes! You're computer! 32. OLIVE All my homework's on there. Sorry. You lose. But thanks for playing. DILL (SMILING WARMLY) I guess then I'm lucky this isn't a regular occurrence. Olive gets up from the table and kisses her dad on the cheek. OLIVE I think we both are. I wouldn't know how to be grounded any more than you know how to ground. DILL I love you. (Whispering in her ear) And I'm sure that girl was acting like exactly what you called her. OLIVE (WHISPERING BACK) You have no idea. She goes over and kisses her mom on the cheek, as well. Leaving the dining room -- OLIVE (CONT'D) How's about I go and punish myself? Mea culpa, mea culpa. She retreats upstairs. GINGER How come you guys never get mad at her? ROSEMARY Because, pumpkin, of our three darling children, we love her best. (Erupting into laughter) Just kidding! Now eat your dinner. Dill chuckles, but Ginger is not amused. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- 33. OLIVE The next day, things took a turn for the scandalous. Which brings us to Part Three: A Lady's Choice and a Gentleman's Agreement. She smiles slyly into her camera. INT. ROOM 704 - DAY Bored, Olive sits at a desk in a classroom, reading a tattered copy of `The Scarlet Letter.' She's dressed much racier and is starting to look pretty hot. There's only one other person in the room. The BULLIED KID seen by Olive leaving Gibbons's office the day before. The bullied kid is thin as a rail, pale as a ghost and slightly effeminate. He looks miserable. Not just by this detention, but from life in general. OLIVE Are these detention sessions often unchaperoned? BULLIED KID I don't think we pose a flight risk. OLIVE I see. Olive laughs to herself. BULLIED KID What? OLIVE I was just thinking it's kind of funny. We haven't really talked since that closet incident back in eighth grade. BULLIED KID I was afraid you were going to bring that up. OLIVE So, how have you been, Brandon? BRANDON (DRYLY) I have been fantastic. (MORE) 34. BRANDON (CONT'D) Really, really amazing. Don't know if you heard, but according to my locker, I'm a `power bottom.' OLIVE Yikes. BRANDON Yeah, only two days after the custodians had finally gotten around to scrubbing `turd burglar' off. Which, if you think about it, really contradicts the previous label. OLIVE Maybe your vandal is marvelling at your versatility? Brandon shoots her a `that's not funny' look. BRANDON But, of course, I'm in detention. OLIVE Why? BRANDON Because Gibbons is a homophobe. (Beat.) And I called him a facist. OLIVE So, the rumors are true, huh? BRANDON (INCREDULOUS) Have you ever met me? OLIVE No. I meant about Gibbons being a facist. He laughs. OLIVE (CONT'D) I kind of guessed it that night with the whole kissing thing. The way you ran away. I remember thinking to myself, `this isn't the first time this kid's going to go bursting out of the closet.' 35. BRANDON Gold star for you, Nancy Drew. There's a brief silence between them. OLIVE You know, I read this article that said with this whole EMO movement, it looks like - that in a few years - the gay kids are going to be the most popular ones in school. BRANDON Oh good. I'll come back when I'm twenty seven for my redo. Ignoring his cynicism -- OLIVE Can you imagine the dance squad full of shirtless guys in tight pants rocking out to Britney, while the football players sit on the sidelines wishing they were that cool? BRANDON That'll be the day. (Beat.) Judging from the new look you're sporting, I'm not the only one in a transformative stage. `Sup with the whore couture? OLIVE (PROUDLY) Haven't you heard? I'm the new school slut! BRANDON As a matter of fact I did hear that. I heard you banged a guy twice your age. OLIVE No way. He's a freshman in college. BRANDON Also heard he gave you crabs. OLIVE Ewwww. People suck. 36. BRANDON Tell me about it. OLIVE He's not real. The guy I slept with. I made him up. BRANDON So, you started the rumor? OLIVE Indirectly? Sort of. Well, not really. No. No, I didn't. BRANDON But you're perpetuating it. That's fucked up. OLIVE (OFFENDED) Excuse me? BRANDON It's true. There's only one thing worse than these tabloid-chasing celebutantes with their vapid minds and their immoral souls and that's the people who want to be like them. OLIVE Did I say I wanted to be like them? BRANDON No, you just want everyone else to think you are. OLIVE Why does it matter if it's not who I really am? No offense, Brando, but maybe you could learn something from me. BRANDON You're saying I should pretend to be straight, so people will like me? What a novel idea. You should do seminars. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot... In high school, EVERYBODY PRETENDS TO BE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT! 37. OLIVE Calm down, Adolph. There's a vein popping out of your neck. I'm simply suggesting that maybe these kids we call peers have got the right idea. Maybe Bridget Schumacher isn't as hippy-dippy as she pretends to be. Maybe that's just the label she's put on herself to avoid having to bathe as often as society deems necessary. Or take Marianne Bryant. It's convenient for her to act like a stuck-up Jesus-freak. (Thinking about this) No. I'm wrong. I think she's actually just a stuck-up Jesus- freak. But do you think she cares that that's the way she's perceived? No. Maybe she was just sick of being just another nameless, faceless entity in a place and a time that reveres people for extremity? Brandon realizes why she's chosen this path and feels for her. BRANDON There are some of us, though, that want to just blend in to the crowd. OLIVE Then maybe you need to go to that extreme. Or make the steadfast decision not to care. Even better if you can manage to do both. (Beat.) I've discovered an infallible remedy for teen angst: apathy. BRANDON I can't decide if you're a genius or a lunatic. OLIVE Don't they sort of go hand-in-hand? She smiles sinisterly at him. BRANDON Funny. I always thought teen angst and apathy went hand in hand. 38. There is an electricity in the air and it seems as if at any moment, they might fling off their clothes and screw right there. OLIVE How am I doing? BRANDON What? Pretending to be a whore? For a virgin, I'm impressed. How about me? Could I pass as straight? OLIVE Not bad. For a fag. BRANDON I prefer the term `turd burglar.' They both break character and return to being themselves. OLIVE If we really wanted to shock the world, we'd get up and leave detention. BRANDON But you know that we would never do that. OLIVE Isn't going to stop me from telling everybody we did. Brandon thinks hard about everything that's just been said. His brain is going a-mile-a-minute. In that noggin, an idea has been planted. Olive, not oblivious to this, returns to her novel. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Olive lounges on her bed, flipping through a magazine and talking to Rhiannon on the phone. RHIANNON (O.S.) Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa Hodges that you lost your virginity to three guys in a jacuzzi. 39. OLIVE Well, I guess that's better than me getting crabs from a guy twice my age. RHIANNON (O.S.) Ewww. Who said that? OLIVE You know that Brandon kid? RHIANNON (O.S.) From your seedy pre-pubescent closet romp? OLIVE The one and only. It's what somebody told him. RHIANNON (O.S.) Nobody talks to him. OLIVE Isn't that sad? He's actually quite the conversationalist. RHIANNON (O.S.) He's gay. OLIVE Since when are straight guys under the age of eighteen able to converse? A call beeps in on the other line. OLIVE (CONT'D) Shit. Hold on. She clicks over. OLIVE (CONT'D) Hello? BRANDON (O.S.) Olive? OLIVE (SINGSONG) Unfortunately so. BRANDON It's Brandon. 40. OLIVE Speak of the devil... BRANDON (O.S.) Hey, can I come over? I wanted to talk to you about something. OLIVE (INTRIGUED) Okay. Yeah. Sure. BRANDON (O.S.) Okay. See you soon. Olive clicks over to Rhiannon. OLIVE Dude, that was Brandon. He wants to talk to me about something. RHIANNON (O.S.) Probably wants to borrow an outfit. OLIVE That's so mean. RHIANNON (O.S.) Any word from George? OLIVE Rhi, I told you. It was a one night stand. Which is now a DONE night stand. RHIANNON (O.S.) You're being awfully cavalier about this. I mean, he popped your cherry. Aren't you supposed to be eternally in love with him and shit? OLIVE If I was a character on a CW show, then, absolutely, I'd be blubbering all over my Teen Vogue. Hey, we should start a rumor that I'm having a pregnancy scare! Olive is stoked by her idea. 41. INT. FOYER - PENDERGHAST HOME - NIGHT Rosemary opens the door to see Brandon. She has no idea who he is. BRANDON Hi. Is there an Olive here? ROSEMARY (FEIGNING CONFUSION) There's a whole jar of them in the fridge. BRANDON Sorry, I must have gotten the address wrong. ROSEMARY Just kidding! Come on in. Brandon walks in and Rosemary shouts -- ROSEMARY (CONT'D) Olive, sweetie, there's a young man here to see you. He said something about asking for your hand in marriage. Brandon's eyes bulge and Olive descends the staircase. OLIVE Oh happy day, Mama! I thought I was going to have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness. Olive grabs Brandon by the hand and leads him upstairs to -- INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS She closes the door behind them. OLIVE My mom's an acquired taste. I know this because I've only just recently begun to appreciate her myself. She gestures for him to sit down. OLIVE (CONT'D) Welcome to my boudoir! This is where the magic happens. 42. BRANDON (BLURTING OUT) Do you wanna go out with me? She looks at him, strangely. BRANDON (CONT'D) I mean, like -- Do you want to be my girlfriend? OLIVE Brandon, just a few hours ago, you told me you were Kinsey Six gay. BRANDON True. But you said I should pretend to be straight. OLIVE Well, I didn't mean with me. You're a sweet guy and all, but you're not really my type. BRANDON You're not really my type either. OLIVE I should say not. BRANDON Okay. Well, do you wanna have sex with me? OLIVE You're serious. He nervously nods. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh my God, dude. You totally missed my point. All I was saying was that -- BRANDON No, I know what you were saying. I should play it straight until I get out of this hell and then I can be whoever I want to be. No, I got that. OLIVE Brandon, I didn't REALLY have sex with a college guy. I just told people I did. (MORE) 43. OLIVE (CONT'D) (CONSIDERS THIS) Well, actually, I just told one person and - well - you know how these things work. BRANDON So, you're saying I shouldn't really have sex. I should just say I had sex with someone. A girl. OLIVE Now, you're cooking with gas. It's his turn to smile slyly at her. She sees where he's going with this and instantly gets defensive. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no. No. Really. No. No way. No. No. BRANDON Think about it. We could help each other out. You want to maintain this floozy facade. I want to not get my face pummelled weekly. OLIVE You are on crack. BRANDON All it would take is one good imaginary fuck and you'd be saving the bone structure of my face. Think of how happy my parents would be! OLIVE This is not the answer. Why don't you just do what I did and make someone up? BRANDON Who would believe me? (GROWING INCREASINGLY DESPERATE) Listen, Olive, I don't want to do this. I want to live in that not- too-distant EMO world, but I still have another year of this bullshit place and I can't do it. I just can't do it. (Beat.) (MORE) 44. BRANDON (CONT'D) I'll pay you. I can pay you whatever you want. OLIVE (GENTLY) I just don't think it would work. BRANDON Whores aren't discerning, Olive. And just think - you'll OFFICIALLY be a hooker with a heart of gold! OLIVE I don't want your money. BRANDON I insist. OLIVE So, if I say yes, you're going to tell a couple of people at school and I just have to go with it? I really don't think it will work. BRANDON (His voice cracking with EMOTION) I can make it work. I promise. She sees tears forming in his eyes. She walks away from him and is silent for a long few moments. OLIVE I don't do anything half-assed. (Spinning around to face HIM) It'll have to be a public event. Melanie Bostic is having a party tomorrow night. All of your tormentors will be there. You and I are going together. You have to do everything I say AND you have to tell people that I was sensational. Brandon wipes his tears away and is the happiest gay you've ever seen. He throws his arms around her and won't let go. BRANDON I can't believe you're doing this. OLIVE Afterwards, it's up to you. You're committing to something. (MORE) 45. OLIVE (CONT'D) Just make sure you're ready to live with the consequences. It seems as if that last statement was more for herself than it was for him. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE I'm sure you all remember the party... INT. BOSTIC HOUSE - NIGHT A TEEN PARTY rages. DRUNK KIDS abound. Olive, looking like a million-fuckin'-bucks, prances into the party with Brandon, who's looking pretty snazzy himself. They appear drunk and are falling all over each other. People stare in complete amazement at a.) Their appearance and b.) That they're even together in the first place. You'd never guess that this was anything less than an A-LIST TEEN COUPLE, ripped from the pages of Teen People. Olive falls against Brandon laughing. He hoists her up, as their host, MELANIE BOSTIC (17), a fairly pretty girl, approaches. MELANIE Hey Olive! (WEIRDED OUT) Hi Brandon. OLIVE OhmiGod, Melly. I hope you don't mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail party cocktails... (DISORIENTED) Party. Cocktails. MELANIE Well, glad you could make it. OLIVE (Whispering and slurring in her ear) Soooo, here's the thing. (MORE) 46. OLIVE (CONT'D) Brandon was in the middle of telling me this funny thing. Is there a quiet room we can go to where he can finish telling me -- (HICCUP) -- About his thing? That's funny? She stares glassy-eyed at Melanie. Brandon just smiles. MELANIE Sure. You can use the guest room. Down the hall. OLIVE I love you. I love you so much. You are -- Just, yeah. She gives her a drunken punch on the shoulder. She spins around to the entire party, who is looking at them with complete interest. OLIVE (CONT'D) (Loudly; to all) Hey everybody! They raise a glass to them and Brandon and Olive stumble down the hallway, laughing. MELANIE (Shocked; Mouthing to a GUEST) What the fuck?! The bully who emerged from Gibbons's office with Brandon, goes up to Melanie. BULLY Was that Olive with Brandon? MELANIE I know! Right? They, with a big group, race down the hall where Brandon and Olive have just retreated to. INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT Olive locks the door and drops the drunk act. She's completely sober and so is Brandon. 47. OLIVE (WHISPERING) Draw the shades. Brandon runs over and pulls the blinds down. They giggle, conspiratorially. Olive plops down on the bed and stretches out. Brandon lays beside her. She moans for the benefit of the audience she knows has assembled outside. She moans again and it's very convincing. She leans over and whispers in his ear -- OLIVE (CONT'D) Grunt. Make it really convincing. And manly. He does so. She extends her palm, impressed. He slaps it with his. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Sure enough, it seems as if most of the party is listening at the door - falling all over each other to hear. Nearest to the door is the bully, who is pleasantly surprised by the noise inside. INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS Olive reaches into her handbag and pulls out her copy of `The Scarlet Letter' and reads it while she makes sex noises. Brandon laughs at this and Olive smacks him with it, prompting him to stop. She puts her finger over her lips, giving him the `Shhhh' sign. She continues to read as she thrusts her hips, making the bed squeak ever so slightly. BRANDON (WHISPERING) How long do we have to do this? OLIVE (WHISPERING) Depends. Do you wanna be a normal adolescent boy or do you wanna be a stud? He moans in his deepest voice. She continues to read, crescendoing her moaning like a pro. 48. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh God, Brandon. Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. She takes the top of the headboard and lightly taps it against the wall, over and over. OLIVE (CONT'D) (WHISPERING) Now that I think about it, we probably don't want to do this for too long. It'll give the impression that you're having difficulty finishing. That's not the desired effect. BRANDON (WHISPERING) Are you sure you're a virgin? OLIVE (WHISPERING STERNLY) Of course I am! (LOUDLY ) Oh, fuck me! Fuck me! Don't stop fucking me! Brandon suppresses a laugh. INT. GUEST ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Olive is disheveling herself. Brandon musses up his hair. OLIVE Hold on. She unbuttons Brandon's shirt and rebuttons it incorrectly. OLIVE (CONT'D) Go forth, my son. You're a man now. BRANDON Thanks Olive. He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS The whole crowd, leaning against the wall, quickly disperses when the door opens. 49. The bully immediately hands Brandon a beer and throws his arm around him, leading him drunkenly down the hallway, with a crew of guys after the dirty details. Olive looks at this and smiles, satisfied. Then she realizes that, though the guys have gone, there are a whole slew of girls looking at her completely differently. They avoid her eye contact, as one would ward off Medusa. Olive finds Melanie pretending not to be interested in her. OLIVE Is there a -- ? MELANIE Back entrance is through the kitchen. OLIVE Thanks. She begins her walk of shame down the corridor into the -- INT. KITCHEN -- Where she runs smack-dab into the well-developed chest of MEERKAT TODD. MEERKAT TODD (POLITELY) Sorry. They make eye contact. Olive is a sick shade of regret. MEERKAT TODD (CONT'D) Oh, hey Olive. OLIVE Hi Todd. Obviously oblivious to the demonstration that just occurred -- MEERKAT TODD How's it going? OLIVE I'M -- (She doesn't know how she IS) I'm here. MEERKAT TODD Can I get you a beer? 50. OLIVE That rhymed. Olive catches the reflection behind her of a group of guys leaning against the counter, signalling `NO, DON'T DO IT' to him behind her back. She spins around and they instantly pretend to not be paying attention. She glares at them. OLIVE (CONT'D) (Ashamed of herself) I should probably go. She rushes off. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE It was truly my Cindy Mancini moment. (MELODRAMATICALLY REENACTING) `You! Even Bobby thinks we went out. Great, huh? Ha! All of you thought we were a couple. What a joke!... Ronald Miller paid me 1,000 bucks to pretend I liked him. What a deal, huh? $1,000 to go out with him for a month. This guy. Oh, God. He bought me. And he bought all of you. He was sick and tired of being a nobody. Yeah, and he said that all of you guys would worship him if we went out. And I didn't believe that. I was, like, no way! And he was right! No, leave me alone. He was right. Our little plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? The dance. That stupid dance! What a bunch of followers you guys are. I mean, at least I got... At least I got paid.' (Sincerely; as herself) `Can't Buy Me Love' is one of the best movies ever made. Hands down. You guys should totally watch it if you haven't already. Or even if you have. Seriously fine filmmaking. 51. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY Olive lays on her bed watching the scene from `Can't Buy Me Love' that she just performed. She eats a candy bar and wallows in her self-pity. OLIVE (To the television) Oh, Cindy Mancini. It could have been a lot worse. Trust me. Her mom comes in with a nicely-wrapped gift. ROSEMARY That kid from the other night just dropped this off for you. Indicating an empty space on the floor -- OLIVE Put it on the pile of gifts from my other suitors. ROSEMARY He seems like a nice boy... Gay... OLIVE A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual that boy is. Rosemary puts the gift on the floor. ROSEMARY I dated a homosexual in high school. OLIVE We're not dating, Mom. ROSEMARY I just wanted to tell you that if you want to date a gay boy, it might be hard on your father and I, at first. But we love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite-sex partner. Rosemary leaves, chuckling at her own joke. Too curious, Olive opens the gift. She withdraws a PHOTO of the BULLY holding BRANDON'S LEGS while he does a KEG STAND. She smiles, pleasantly. She pulls out a PINK VIBRATOR and looks at it quizically. 52. There's an envelope inside. She opens it and pulls out a $200 Gift Card to TARGET. OLIVE (V.O.) Cindy Mancini gets $1,000. I get a vibrator and a $200 Gift Card to Target. There's a note, which she reads aloud to herself. OLIVE (CONT'D) Dear Olive, The dildo is just in case you don't shop at Target. Then you can fuck yourself. Olive breaks out into riotous laughter. She's genuinely touched by this gift. The phone rings. Thinking it's Brandon, Olive snatches it up. OLIVE (CONT'D) (EXCITEDLY) Your package was perfection! RHIANNON (O.S.) So, it's TRUE! OLIVE Rhi? RHIANNON (O.S.) Well, it's not last night's conquest! OLIVE You know, I always think it's so ridiculous on TV, when someone picks up the phone and magically seems to know who's going to be on the other end. I usually preface a conversation with `hello' to avoid such banalities. The one time I decide to step outside this convention... How are you? INT. MALL - DAY Rhiannon, clutching an enormous Diet Coke, plods through the mall with an intensity reserved for girls who just found out their best friend had her sophomore sexual exploit and didn't bother to tell them. 53. RHIANNON I have many questions, obviously. WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THE TWO LOCATIONS: OLIVE (PLAYFULLY) Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. No, in fact, I do NOT know the way to San Jose. And - little known fact - contrary to popular belief, panama hats are not from Panama at all! They're from Ecuador! Who knew? RHIANNON Now is not the time to be cute. OLIVE You're putting me in a precarious position, because -- (With her best Jackie-O VOICE) -- `according to last month's Cosmopolitan Magazine, we should always look cute. Even when we're doing mundane activities such as choosing vegetables from the produce section of our local grocery store.' RHIANNON Olive, stop it. This is serious. Did you really bang Brandon last night at Melanie Dipshit's party? Olive sighs as she slumps into her pillows. OLIVE Is that what people are saying happened? RHIANNON That's what EVERYONE is saying. OLIVE Then I guess it's true. RHIANNON Does this mean you guys are dating? OLIVE God no. 54. Rhiannon screams in frustration, attracting the attention of passing shoppers. RHIANNON Just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you can go around screwing everybody! OLIVE (OFF-PUT) Uh, thanks Mom. Good talk. RHIANNON You're getting a reputation. OLIVE Y'know, you're really coming off as a little pious right now and you're kind of pissing me off. RHIANNON Please forgive my rectitude, but I think that a best friend's duty is to let her know that everyone - and I do mean everyone - is calling her a cum dumpster. OLIVE Well, do YOU think I'm a cum dumpster? RHIANNON Look, baby, I call a spade a spade. Entering the red zone -- OLIVE First off, that's racist. Secondly, fuck you! How dare you? I was Laura Ingalls to your Lady Chatterly and, now all of a sudden, YOU feel the need to warn ME that I'M making a fool of myself? There are a lot of children who will never again experience Family Pizza Night because of you. So, why don't you jump off your high horse and splash around in the gutter where you belong. RHIANNON I didn't want to believe it, but I guess it's true. You're a fucktart. 55. OLIVE And you're a jealous virgin. RHIANNON Oh yeah. I totally want to lose my virginity to one of -- (As if it was a disease) -- your brother's friends and then be the first for a fairy, while everyone listens outside! What is wrong with you? Does sex mean anything to you? OLIVE Yes! It's a period of time, how ever short, that I don't have to talk to you! She slams the phone down into the cradle and seethes. Berlin's `SEX (I'm A...)' plays loudly as... She goes into her closet and starts, wildly, pulling down clothes. She throws them into a big pile in the middle of her floor. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into her webcam -- OLIVE Rhiannon Abernathy only wishes that somebody wanted to pretend to sleep with her! BACK TO: INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Olive - visibly upset - is cutting something, meticulously, out of RED FABRIC. In fact, she has yards of red fabric draped across her lap. When she finishes the shape, she tosses it behind her and begins another one. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - LATER Olive sews these red scraps to her clothes. When she finishes one piece, as before, she tosses it behind her and grabs another item from the crumpled wardrobe on her floor. 56. Time flies and we see the clothing pile rapidly decreasing, until there are none left. The song morphs into -- Tommy James and the Shondell's `CRIMSON & CLOVER' as we fade into -- INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Clad in sunglasses, fuck-me-boots and looking like a bona fide porn star, Olive struts down the halls of her school. Sewn across her larger and pushed up breasts is A FIERY RED `A' (NOTE: For the rest of the film, every piece of Olive's clothing will be emblazoned with a RED A.) Erections are popping up all along the halls, as well as looks of total disbelief from the girls. She works it like a Debbie Who Just Did Dallas, Düsseldorf, Des Moines, Daytona, Detroit and Darfur. Up ahead, Rhiannon is yakking with a semi-attractive guy named ANSON (17). She catches sight of Olive and her jaw drops. Olive sidles up to Anson, much to Rhiannon's chagrin. OLIVE Hey, Anson. ANSON (NERVOUS) Hi. OLIVE (Breathy and aping Marilyn MONROE) I just realized the funniest thing. My name is an anagram for `I love...' ANSON (STUTTERING) What's an anagram? OLIVE Look it up, big boy. She rubs her knee, seductively, along his inner thigh, turns and licks her lips at a repulsed Rhiannon and continues on her way. 57. INT. CAFETERIA - LUNCH LINE - LATER Anything sexually suggestive you can do with school cafeteria food, Olive does as she makes her way through the lunch line, as guys ogle her. Marianne, also present in the line, watches her in repugnance. INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY Olive emerges from the GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM, dressed for gym class. A TERRIFIED FAT KID named EVAN nervously approaches her. EVAN Hey Olive. OLIVE Hi Evan. EVAN Can I talk to you for a second? He gestures for her to follow him underneath the bleachers. She reluctantly does so. EVAN (CONT'D) (WHISPERING) Don't get mad, but Brandon told me what you did for him. OLIVE Well, rest assured, it was equally as thrilling for me. EVAN No, he told me the truth. She's pissed. She silently seethes. EVAN (CONT'D) And I was just hoping that maybe you could do the same for me? OLIVE (Through clenched teeth) Walk away, Evan. Evan starts to talk, but she raises her hand to silence him. OLIVE (CONT'D) RUN away, Evan. 58. EVAN I can pay you, too. OLIVE I'm about six seconds away from slapping you so hard that your unborn grandchildren will feel it. EVAN (Excited at the prospect) Can you do it in front of everyone? Olive turns and starts to leave. Evan summons up his courage and meekly states to her back. EVAN (CONT'D) I don't need your permission, you know. She turns around and gives him a look of death. He can't look at her. EVAN (CONT'D) I mean, at the rate you're going, I'm just saying I don't think anyone would not believe it. OLIVE Are you threatening me? EVAN I'll give you $500. OLIVE You're repugnant. EVAN (Indicating his body) That's the problem. And once again Olive feels too sorry for him to say no. OLIVE I want five hundred dollars in gift certificate form deposited in my locker before noon tomorrow. Preferably `The Gap,' but I'll also take Amazon.com. We did NOT have sex. I was piss-ass drunk and I let you fondle my chest and it was a glorious moment for you, unmatched by anything you've heretofore experienced, including cake. Got it? 59. EVAN Five hundred bucks for just feeling you up? Doesn't that seem a little steep to you? Can you throw in SOME (Mispronouncing it; as if it rhymed with `cottage') frottage? OLIVE (CORRECTING HIM) It's fraw-TAHZH, dumbass. (BUCKLING) Fine. But it was so good, you lasted only twelve seconds and I better not find out that little pecker of yours EVER came out of your pants. Take it or leave it. EVAN Little pecker? Nuh-uh. For five hundred dollars, it was ungodly huge. You even commented on the unusual girth for a guy my age. OLIVE I was too drunk to remember. EVAN Three minutes. OLIVE Two. He extends his hand. EVAN Deal. She, repulsed by it, shakes his hand. Evan's ecstatic. OLIVE The sad thing is, Evan, if you had been a gentleman and asked me out on a date, I probably would have said yes. EVAN Really? Do you want to go on a date? With zero vitriol -- 60. OLIVE Not now, I don't. Sad for him, she walks away. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE Evan, if you're watching this - shame on you. I hope you never treat another girl the way you treated me or you will die alone, wishing it was because you're fat. And since we're playing the shame game... While I appreciate the sentiment, Lewis, a pretend hand job should have warranted a little more than a hundred dollars worth of AMC Movie Passes. They had an expiration date AND were only able to be used for movies that had been running for two weeks. But even that's better than Tyler Jennings, who gave me a ten percent off coupon to Bath and Body Works. Seriously. A fucking coupon. Is that how good my imaginary blow job was to you? Huh? Is chivalry dead? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I want Richard Gere climbing up my fire escape with the limo waiting downstairs. I want to ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. Although, I'm ashamed to admit I'd prefer him to look like he looks now. What woman wouldn't? But no. I get to save two fifty on a bottle of Juniper Breeze Hand Lotion. Maybe chivalry isn't dead, but it's in a coma and the prognosis isn't good. (Beat.) So, if you're still with me - and I'm guessing that most of you are - I now present to you Part Four: How I, Olive Penderghast, Went From Assumed Trollop To an Actual Home- wrecker. 61. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Mr. Griffin is alone grading papers. Olive pokes her head in. OLIVE You wanted to see me? MR. GRIFFIN Yeah, Olive. Come cop a squat. She takes a seat opposite his desk. He points to the RED "A" on her chest. MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) What are you doing? OLIVE Accessorizing? MR. GRIFFIN Olive, Olive, Olive. Do you think that maybe you're reading a little too much into this assignment? OLIVE Well, I'm really hoping to get an A. (She points to her chest) Get it? Get it? MR. GRIFFIN I'm hearing things. She takes a deep breath. OLIVE The rumors are true. I am, in fact, considering becoming an existentialist. MR. GRIFFIN You know what I'm talking about. OLIVE Geez, since when did teachers become privy to idle, adolescent gossip? MR. GRIFFIN I guess it wouldn't matter so much if I didn't like you. You're a great girl and I happen to think that all of (MORE) 62. MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) (Indicating her outfit) `this' is just an act. I'm just curious why you're doing it. Olive drops her defenses and gets real. OLIVE Have you ever decided just to play along? Because it's maybe easier than fighting tooth-and-nail to defend it? MR. GRIFFIN I just don't want to see this (He searches for the word) damage you. OLIVE You know, I think you should give me extra credit for going the extra mile. I'm really attempting to understand this puritanical ostracism. Mr. Griffin smiles at her. MR. GRIFFIN Hey, I'm really sorry I had to send you to the Principal. If you tell anybody, I'll deny it, but I really wanted to cheer with the rest of the class. OLIVE (SMILING; INNOCENTLY) You know I won't tell. She gets up and leaves, but passes in the doorway, a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. OLIVE (CONT'D) (To the woman) Hey Mrs. Griffin. Pretending to know who she is -- MRS. GRIFFIN Hi! How are you? OLIVE (Pointing to the `A') A is for Awesome. Olive disappears into the empty halls. 63. MRS. GRIFFIN I've never seen that girl before in my life. MR. GRIFFIN That doesn't surprise me. MRS. GRIFFIN I'm the guidance counselor. I should know all of the students. Especially the ones dressed like that. He kisses her. MR. GRIFFIN She's just going through a phase. (He gets an idea) Hey, do you think you could talk to her? Maybe you could get her to -- I dunno - MRS. GRIFFIN Sure. Yeah, whatever. Oh wait! That's not the girl that everyone's talking about, is it? MR. GRIFFIN `Fraid so. MRS. GRIFFIN Oh, this'll be good. That snotty office aid has been bitching about her incessantly. MR. GRIFFIN It's all lies. Talk to her. Maybe that's all she needs. MRS. GRIFFIN What are you making for dinner tonight? MR. GRIFFIN Is it my turn? MRS. GRIFFIN Sure is. I'm meeting up with the girls at happy hour. MR. GRIFFIN Don't have too much fun. 64. MRS. GRIFFIN I never do. He kisses her. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Assembled in a semi-circle, a handful of WELL-DRESSED CHRISTIAN KIDS open their meeting of the CROSS YOUR HEART CLUB with prayer. Marianne, of course, leads them in this ritual. Nina is also present. MARIANNE Heavenly Father, watch over us with Your all-encompassing love. Keep us on the path toward Your righteousness and eternal salvation. They all smile, say `AMEN' and open their eyes. MARIANNE (CONT'D) Guys. We have a problem. NINA Amen to THAT. MARIANNE Olive Penderghast. We need to pray for her, but we also need to get rid of her. I'm sure, by now, you've all heard about what happened at Melanie Bostic's party. CHRISTIAN KID #1 I was there. I heard the whole thing. Marianne eyes him, suspiciously. MARIANNE That's not something you need to advertise, Kurt. KURT (SHEEPISHLY) Sorry. MARIANNE See, herein lies the problem: She's doing these tasteless, immoral acts in plain view of the entire student body. (MORE) 65. MARIANNE (CONT'D) She's in direct opposition to everything we're trying to do for this school, which is make it a wholesome learning environment and a place where our children will one day flourish the way that we are. (Beat.) She was sent to the Principal's office last week -- NINA (INTERRUPTING) She called me a really hurtful name. MARIANNE -- and I tried to witness to her, but she's defiant to any sort of help. She tears up. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I don't know what to do, but something's got to be done. Her boyfriend, MICAH (17) takes her hand and holds it. She leans against his shoulder, wiping away tears. Nina, on the other side of her, begins rubbing her shoulder, sympathetically. MARIANNE (CONT'D) Does anybody here think that they can talk to her in a way that might get her to see that what she's doing is wrong? She suddenly bursts into sobs. (And these aren't crocodile tears. She is flooded with emotion.) MARIANNE (CONT'D) I'm sorry. This is so stupid. MICAH No, it's not, Marianne. She wipes her tears away. MARIANNE Jesus tells us to love everyone. Even the whores and the homosexuals, but it's so hard. (MORE) 66. MARIANNE (CONT'D) It's so hard, because they just keep doing `it' over and over again. She takes Micah and Nina's hands, the rest of the group follows suit. MARIANNE (CONT'D) Make me a promise. Make GOD a promise right here and now that we will remain pure and chaste until marriage. (Looking to Micah) Until our love is proven holy in His eyes. ALL We promise. MARIANNE Let's continue to pray for Olive Penderghast. That either she sees that what she's doing is a sin and changes her behavior or that she gets the hell out of our school. They all squeeze hands and Marianne manages a smile. MARIANNE (CONT'D) Awww, I love you guys. God loves you guys. EXT. PARKING LOT - BARBARA BUSH HIGH - DAY Marianne gives Micah a strictly PG-rated kiss against his car. They're nauseatingly wholesome. INT. FRONT OFFICE - NEXT DAY Olive is sitting in the office, dressed just as slutty as the day before. A RED "A" sewn onto her top. Marianne is behind the desk, sharpening pencils. After each one, she observes the point with a scary satisfaction. They exchange a few hateful glances at each other. Mrs. Griffin pokes her head out of her office. MRS. GRIFFIN Hey Olive. Wanna come in? 67. Olive, in no mood for this, drags herself up dramatically and follows Mrs. Griffin into -- INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Mrs. Griffin sits behind her desk and Olive sits opposite her. MRS. GRIFFIN So, the reason I called you down here is just so that we could - sort of, y'know - chat about what's going on. (Beat.) There's been some concern from faculty members. OLIVE (CORRECTING HER) Your husband. Mrs. Griffin shifts uncomfortably in her chair. There's something a little unnerving about this kid's awareness. MRS. GRIFFIN Olive, you're attempting to make a statement. We get that. I'm just confused as to what exactly it is. OLIVE Am I in trouble? I promise the hem of my dress isn't higher than my fingertips. MRS. GRIFFIN You're not in trouble, Olive. I just wanted you to know that if there was something you maybe needed to talk about, that you could trust me. OLIVE If I open up to you, do you promise this stays in confidence? MRS. GRIFFIN Yes. OLIVE (CONFESSIONAL) I watch `American Idol.' Do NOT tell anyone. 68. Mrs. Griffin rolls her eyes. OLIVE (CONT'D) I have a reputation to uphold. MRS. GRIFFIN Don't you, though? Olive assesses this statement from her. OLIVE We done? If I can think of any angsty things to report, you'll be the first to know. She winks at her. OLIVE (CONT'D) This has been so much fun that I'm actually - at this very moment - considering meth addiction, just so I can come back and we can jaw some more. MRS. GRIFFIN (BITINGLY) Or you could always get pregnant? OLIVE I'm probably closer than either of us thinks... Mrs. Griffin digs in her purse and pulls out a handful of CONDOMS. Feigning excitement -- OLIVE (CONT'D) Propho-tastic! MRS. GRIFFIN Please don't tell anyone I gave you these. The school board is -- OLIVE Puritanical and oppressive? MRS. GRIFFIN Conservative. Olive sees that Mrs. Griffin is genuinely concerned. OLIVE I don't need those. 69. MRS. GRIFFIN (STERNLY) But you do. Olive starts to confess, but then just takes the rubbers and puts them in her own purse. OLIVE Thank you. MRS. GRIFFIN Remember: our little secret. And, hey, would you send in the next person? Mrs. Griffin smiles at Olive as she leaves. INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS Marianne is talking to Micah, who seems distressed. He rubs his eyes, like he's been crying. Olive is surprised to see him there. OLIVE You're up, hoss. MARIANNE (Concerned; To Micah) It's going to be okay. She gives him a reassuring smile and he walks into her office. OLIVE (TO MARIANNE) Let me guess: drugs. Marianne gives her a `go away' look. OLIVE (CONT'D) I didn't know Christians believed in guidance counsellors. (Beat.) Ooo! Ooo! Is your boyfriend struggling with his sexuality? Marianne begins crying. MARIANNE No, you insensitive rhymes-with- witch! His parents are going THROUGH A (MORE) 70. MARIANNE (CONT'D) (WHISPERED) divorce! She begins sobbing uncontrollably. Olive, not sure what to do, goes around the counter and hugs her. Marianne just cries on her shoulder. OLIVE It's okay, Marianne. (Not sure what to say) Sometimes our boyfriend's parents get divorced. It's just important to know that it's not your fault. MARIANNE (Through her tears) They go to our church! Imagine what people will say! Olive didn't expect this embrace to last this long. OLIVE I have to go now. Are you going to be okay? Into Olive's shoulder -- MARIANNE Mrs. Griffin is going to fix everything. She's amazing. I know that she's going to help Micah through this time and everything's going to be okay. OLIVE Yeah. Everything's going to be okay. Marianne pulls away and wipes tears from her eyes. MARIANNE Why are you being so nice to me? OLIVE Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Hey, it's your boss's rules. This triggers even more wails from Marianne , who grabs Olive and squeezes her tightly. MARIANNE I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for everything I said. (MORE) 71. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I want to be friends. PLEASE. PLEASE be my friend. Olive is really confused by this display and is about to say something snide, but thinks better of it and replies with a very heartfelt -- OLIVE Absolutely. Marianne pulls away again and manages to smile at her, warmly. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) And for a day, we were actually really good friends. I was really starting to think that things were going to turn around. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins. OLIVE (V.O.) But then I unwittingly gave her boyfriend a venerial disease... Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks. It's the slap heard `round the school. INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office. Tear-streaked, Mrs. Griffin is packing her things into a cardboard box. It's as if her world has just collapsed. OLIVE (V.O.) ...And caused the break-up of Mr. and Mrs. Griffin... MRS. GRIFFIN (SNAPPING) What?! What do you want? Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even look at her. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) Just go! 72. She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart. Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave. EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school, with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on wooden stakes that say things like: EXPEL OLIVE! EXODUS 20:14 SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE Rhi is among them, as riled up as any. OLIVE (V.O.) So, I guess I shouldn't be too shocked that these people wanted my diseased, home-wrecking ass out of there. The scene is a maelstrom of anger and piety. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive laughs. OLIVE The funny thing is: the whole time this shit was going down - people calling me something I knew wasn't true, my best friend included - I couldn't help but think how I could have come up with better signs. No one even bothered to use alliteration or, God forbid, irony - not even a single acronym - and that seems a lot more unforgivable than my sins. 73. INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY Olive enters a Catholic Church. It's empty, but there are a few CANDLES burning. She sees the CONFESSIONAL BOOTH and makes a beeline toward it. She takes a deep breath and enters. INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CONTINUOUS She sits down and begins to talk to the screen. OLIVE Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I think that's how you're supposed to start these things. I'm only going on what I've seen in the movies. Then, I think I'm supposed to tell you how long it's been since my last confession, but that's kind of my first confession. I'm not Catholic. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do, except sit here in this booth and tell you what I've done wrong. Where do I even start? (Beat.) I've been pretending to be a -- how would one phrase it in Catholic words? A harlot. It's not like I've actually been doing the things that people are saying I'm doing, but - then again - I'm not denying them, so I've just been wondering: is that wrong? There's a lot of shi -- `crap' going down at my school which may or may not be indirectly because of this masquerade. (Beat.) I'm lying. I may have caused the end of a marriage. I thought, in my own perverse way, that I could help it. I mean, in my defense, I am merely an adolescent. I should never have been propositioned in the way I was propositioned by an adult. But then again, I should never have consented. It was just that a lot of people had been asking me to do things and I thought it was okay, because it wasn't real. (MORE) 74. OLIVE (CONT'D) It was make-believe and no one was getting hurt. But a lot of people hate me now. I kind of hate me, too. There's a long silence. Olive tears up and wipes them away. OLIVE (CONT'D) I could be wrong, but aren't you supposed to say something or ask me questions. Tell me to say `Hail Marys'? Hello? She looks through the screen. There's no one there. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh, come on! She throws the curtain to the booth open and stomps out. EXT. CATHEDRAL PARKING LOT - DAY Olive, upset at herself, gets into her car and drives off. But just a few blocks down the street to -- EXT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS She parks her car and gets out to try a different denomination. INT. CHURCH OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Olive enters to find a SWEET, PORTLY RECEPTIONIST (50's) searching through RELIGIOUS CLIP-ART on her COMPUTER, attempting to find the perfect image for the church newsletter. The lady smiles, acknowledging Olive. OLIVE Hi. I was wondering if the minister was around. RECEPTIONIST Pastor McGreevey is on vacation this week. But our associate pastor is in. Would you like to speak to him? For her own entertainment, Olive matches the receptionist's enthusiasm level. 75. OLIVE Actually, that would be fantastic! RECEPTIONIST Can I tell him what this is regarding? OLIVE Absolutely. I'm looking for a church to join and I thought he might be able to sell me on this fine establishment. The receptionist joyfully snatches up the phone. RECEPTIONIST Don, there's a young lady here who would like to speak with you about joining. She listens and then hangs up. RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D) (Pointing to an office) You can go right in. OLIVE If everyone here is as friendly as you, I think we might be in business. She winks at the receptionist and enters -- INT. ASSOCIATE PASTOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (40's) is a gangly, unattractive - borderline creepy - man. He invites Olive to have a seat. ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON Hello there, young lady. My name is Don. He extends his hand, which she shakes politely. ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (CONT'D) How can I help you today? OLIVE I'm new to the area. Looking for a church - hopefully something with a strong fellowship, a firm foot in the soil of... (MORE) 76. OLIVE (CONT'D) divinity and was wondering what your church's stance on lying and adultery was? Don seems taken aback by the question. ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON Well. It's not a good thing. OLIVE Oh, I agree. Wholeheartedly. But tell me: assuming there is a hell -- ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON Ma'am, the Presbyterian Church recognizes the existence of hell. OLIVE Right. Okay. Let's say hell exists. Which is worse - lying or adultery? Or is lying about adultery like a double whammy? ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON I'm sorry, ma'am, I -- What did you say your name was? At that moment, Olive looks at his desk and sees a FRAMED FAMILY PHOTO. Smiling big are Associate Pastor Don, his wife, A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA and his lovely DAUGHTER -- MARIANNE BRYANT. She jumps up from her chair and recoils at the sight of the picture and the stupid mistake she made by coming there. OLIVE You know what. I think I'm just going to go and check out Judaism. Backing up toward the door. OLIVE (CONT'D) The Jews and I have a lot in common. Fashion-wise. And stuff. So, thank you for your time. She bolts from his office. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive speaks into her webcam -- 77. OLIVE Yes. I had unwittingly sought advice from the father of the leader of my lynch mob. Who else can say that's happened to them? (Beat.) As much as I want to say I hate Marianne. I don't. I get her. Well, I get certain things about her. She's passionate. Like myself. She always thinks she's right. Like myself. And, yeah, I can kind of understand why she slapped me that day. Here's what happened... INT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY Marianne, excitedly, runs over to Olive who is just getting to school and throws her arms around her. OLIVE (V.O.) Remember how I said that we were BFFs for, like, a day. Well, that's true. It was like we were sisters all of a sudden. Marianne can't seem to break the embrace and Olive just goes with it. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Olive sits in class. Marianne passes a note back to her. OLIVE (V.O.) She wrote me a note in first period. Olive reads it. It says: Hey girlie! You wanna hang out after school today? Kisses! Marianne Marianne looks back and Olive gives her the thumbs up. Across the room, Rhi sees this exchange and sneers. INT. CHEMISTRY LAB - LATER Marianne is working with her partner, Evan. She turns to Olive behind them and makes a gagging signal behind his back and laughs silently. 78. OLIVE (V.O.) By second period, it was like we had private jokes. Olive, unaware of how to respond, gives another thumbs up. INT. HOME EC CLASSROOM - LATER Olive sees Marianne come into class, tear-streaked. She runs over to Olive and again throws her arms around her. OLIVE (V.O.) Tragedy struck in third period. MARIANNE Micah's in the hospital. He's in so much pain! The nurse didn't know what was wrong. Olive just holds her new friend, as she had the day before. OLIVE He'll be okay. MARIANNE (Tears glistening in her EYES) Really? Olive guides Marianne's head back to her shoulder. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Marianne's boyfriend, Micah, writhes in pain on a hospital bed, clutching his crotch. His worried MOTHER (40's) is beside him, clutching her chest with one hand and trying to soothe him with the other. MICAH It hurts so bad. A DOCTOR enters, with a satisfied smile and a diagnosis. DOCTOR Chlamydia. Micah and his mother both look up in shock. His mother takes both of her hands and begins slapping him, uncontrollably. 79. MICAH'S MOTHER How did you get chlamydia? Who have you been sleeping with? Tell me! TELL ME! Micah, in pain from the burning sensation and his mother's hands flying at astonishing speed shouts out: MICAH Olive! Olive Penderghast! His mother's face fills with satisfaction. INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER Micah's mother is on her cell phone. MICAH'S MOTHER (ANGRILY) Olive Penderghast. She folds her phone up and slips it into her purse. INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS The woman on the other end of the phone -- A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA -- who we've seen in the Bryant family photo, hangs up. Only this time, her smile is a disgusted grimace. She picks up the phone and dials a number. She is, animatedly, talking to the person on the other end of the line, while Olive narrates. OLIVE (V.O.) Fourth period was when Marianne had office duty. Her duties included typing, stapling, filing and -- INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY Marianne is on the phone, listening, with mouth agape. Undoubtedly, she's just heard from her mother that her boyfriend has chlamydia. OLIVE (V.O.) -- answering the phones. MARIANNE CHLAMYDIA!! 80. She screams so loud that Mrs. Griffin comes out of her office, a panicked expression on her face. INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Seething, Marianne's mother says into the phone -- A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA Olive Penderghast. She hears a slam and then a dial tone. INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Marianne clutches the phone in the cradle with enough force that it looks like the receiver will shatter in her hands. Mrs. Griffin looks worried. MRS. GRIFFIN Are you okay, hon? Like a teapot about to start expelling steam, Marianne quivers in rage. Finally, at boiling point, she shouts -- MARIANNE THAT -- But her long string of profanities is muffled by the long ringing of the school bell. Mrs. Griffin is taken aback by Marianne's umbrage. As we saw before -- INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins. OLIVE (V.O.) Okay, I exaggerated. We were just BFFs for, like, a half-a-day. Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks. OLIVE (CONT'D) (Clutching her face) MutherFUCKer! 81. Rhi, who was loading books in her locker, sees this and happily slams her locker shut. Breezing past her -- RHIANNON My sentiments exactly... OLIVE (SNIDELY) Oh, grow up! But Rhi keeps on walking. EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY Micah's on his cell phone, anxiously talking to someone - checking every few seconds to see if his mom is on her way out. MICAH (Into the cell phone) I didn't know what to say! I panicked! I said I got it from Olive Penderghast. (Pause.) I know, but what was I supposed to say?! And then my mom called her mom. (Pause.) No, not Olive's. Marianne's! (Pause.) I already tried to blame it on their divorce, but my mom's not buying it. I have to tell them. (Pause.) Okay. But I love you. I don't care if you gave me chlamydia. I LOVE YOU and I want to be with you and no one can stop us. Not my mother, not Marianne, not -- There's a dial tone. INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Mrs. Griffin has just hung up on her teenage lover and begins freaking out. She grabs a cardboard box and begins throwing items into it. Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office and sees Mrs. Griffin packing her things. As we saw before -- 82. MRS. GRIFFIN (SNAPPING) What?! What do you want? Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even look at her. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) Just go! She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart. Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave -- -- and then feels awkward. OLIVE I'm sorry, I was just looking for Marianne. Did she say something about being mad at me? She just smacked the shi -- `crap' out of me. This makes Mrs. Griffin cry even harder. She attempts to pull herself together. MRS. GRIFFIN It's my fault. I'm so sorry, Olive. Olive looks at her, quizzically. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) (SOTTO VOCE) I fucked up. I fucking fucked up SO fucking bad. I'm a fucking.... Fuck. OLIVE Don't get me wrong. I love it, but I don't think you're supposed to use those words around a student. MRS. GRIFFIN Yeah, well, you're not to supposed to fuck them, either. But it didn't stop me. Olive puts two and two together in her head. She gasps a little louder than she planned. 83. OLIVE You and -- Oh my God. I'm not judging you or anything, but oh my God. (SWITCHING GEARS) Wait. What does that have to do with me? Mrs. Griffin walks over and locks her office door. She fights back more tears, as she tries to explain to Olive. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) My guidance counselor, who had only days before armed me with a latex bulletproof vest, told me that she had chlamydia and that she had been screwing around with her office aide's boyfriend under the guise of divorce counseling. She confided in me that she and her husband - my favorite teacher - were having marital problems, that they hadn't slept together in months. She assured me that she had never meant for anything to happen with Micah. She confessed to me how when she was a child she always dreamt of being Maria Von Trapp, not Mary Kay Letorneau. Micah had panicked and used me as a scapegoat - to save her job and her marriage. She assured me that she would make sure everyone knew the truth and apologized. Mrs. Griffin stops talking and waits for Olive to speak. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) And I bought it. Olive gives her a reassuring smile, steps up to the plate and offers up a solution. OLIVE (CONT'D) I could have chlamydia. And I could easily have given it to Micah. That time we slept together. Who knows? Often times women don't have symptoms and I have been whoring around.... MRS. GRIFFIN No you haven't. 84. Olive looks at her, puzzled by her knowledge. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) (LOOKING AWAY) Because a real whore can't admit it to herself, let alone others. She begins to weep. Olive puts her hand on Mrs. Griffin's shoulder. OLIVE Call Micah. Tell him I said he's an asshole and that he owes me SO big for this and also the time I pretended not to see him during a third grade game of hide and seek. Tell him I still remember that. But tell him that I confessed to giving him chlamydia. Mrs. Griffin grabs Olive and cries on her. OLIVE (CONT'D) And it's not really my place to say this, but I figure after the conversation we just had, I can speak candidly. Your husband is HOT and while the male adolescent can fuck like a bunny... who really wants to fuck a bunny? If I was you, I'd go home and seduce him and pretend this never happened. Olive strokes her guidance counselor's hair. MRS. GRIFFIN (SNIVELING) Do you want some more condoms? OLIVE (MATERNALLY) No, you keep them. She strokes her hair. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into the webcam -- OLIVE So, really how could I be angry at Marianne? (MORE) 85. OLIVE (CONT'D) Dude, if some bimbo gave MY boyfriend an STD, I'd have swung, but I'd have balled my fist. (WHIMSICALLY) My boyfriend. (She gets lost in the THOUGHT) With all the mythical play I was getting, it's a wonder - and probably a miracle - that I still hadn't actually been asked out on a real date. Guys were clamoring to claim that they'd slept with me, but no one was putting the real moves on me. Until finally... EXT. PLAYGROUND - YEARS BEFORE Two LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS (Olive and Rhiannon) chase a LITTLE BOY all over the playground, desperate to kiss him. They plot and plan to corner him, but he's just too fast. OLIVE (V.O.) It was really Rhiannon who had a crush on him. She has since we were kids. Rhiannon finally catches him and kiss him on the cheek. Repulsed, he wipes his face. Rhiannon and Olive high five each other. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Olive eats her lunch and yuks it up with a table full of guys. Rhiannon sits at a different table, mostly comprised of girls, and glares at her from across the room. The bell rings and the students begin getting up and making their way toward the exit. Anson (who we saw earlier with Rhiannon in the hallways) approaches Olive. ANSON Hey Olive. Olive smiles sweetly at him. 86. ANSON (CONT'D) I was wondering if you were busy tonight. Maybe wanna go out or something? OLIVE (SUSPICIOUS) What did you have in mind? ANSON I dunno. I was thinking about chartering a hot air balloon, taking along a bottle of champagne and fresh fruit and then trying to impress you with an overzealous reading of Emily Dickinson. OLIVE (COYLY) Why, Anson, are you inviting me to accompany you to a romantic dinner at the Red Lobster? ANSON Unequivocally. OLIVE (IMPRESSED) Nice. Yeah. I'll have dinner with you. Olive walks off INT. RED LOBSTER - NIGHT Olive and Anson sit in a booth at a dimly-lit RED LOBSTER. Olive looks beautiful. The `A' on her shirt is sequined. OLIVE I can't believe you brought me to the nicest restaurant in town. This is swank. I was beginning to think that there was no such thing as class. ANSON Yeah. What's better than getting to select your dinner and have nice conversation while they boil it alive in the back? 87. OLIVE I think Anson Jr. doesn't mind making the sacrifice. You don't mind that I named him Anson Jr., do you? ANSON Not at all. I'm actually kind of honored. OLIVE Do you believe this whole thing about lobster being an aphrodisiac? ANSON (Lying out his ass) I didn't know it was. OLIVE Y'know, medical science has not substantiated claims that any particular food increases sexual desire or performance. It's so funny when guys ply women with food that they think is gonna get them laid. I mean, what's really sexy about slurping back oysters? You know, native people believed that you gained the strength of the animal by consuming it. Some people grind up rhinoceros horn, because it's thought to stiffen the male sex organ. It's all bullshit. And spanish fly? It's pulverized beetle that people eat! Although, it's illegal for human consumption in the United States and do you know why? Because if you take just a bit too much, it causes painful urination, fever and bloody discharge. A SERVER appears with their LOBSTER. Anson is an odd shade of green from Olive's little science lesson. OLIVE (CONT'D) Yum! The server leaves them and Olive digs in. Anson is feeling nauseous and can't touch his. From across the restaurant, a PARADE OF SERVERS enters from the back, enthusiastically clapping and holding a cupcake. 88. Leading the brigade is Meerkat Todd, who's wearing a RED FOAM LOBSTER HAT. With as much spirit, as he has as a meerkat -- MEERKAT TODD I don't know but I've been told! PARADE OF SERVERS I don't know but I've been told! He leads them through to another part of the restaurant. OLIVE (TO ANSON) I didn't know Meerkat Todd worked here! And he's a lobster! I wonder if I should start calling him Lobster Todd. MEERKAT TODD Marguerite is getting old! PARADE OF SERVERS Marguerite is getting old! They land at the table of the birthday girl. Olive cranes her neck to see -- Rhiannon, miserable of course, sitting with her parents at a table in the next room. Olive immediately becomes uneasy. OLIVE Shit! MEERKAT TODD The best thing is her dessert is free! PARADE OF SERVERS The best thing is her dessert is free! MEERKAT TODD The worst thing is I sing off-key! PARADE OF SERVERS The worst thing is I sing off-key! Olive is visibly squirming in her seat. MEERKAT TODD Sound off! 89. PARADE OF SERVERS Happy! MEERKAT TODD Sound off! PARADE OF SERVERS Birthday! MEERKAT TODD Sound off! PARADE OF SERVERS Happy birthday to you! The whole place applauds, unenthusiastically. Anson sees Olive's discomfort. ANSON What's wrong? OLIVE Rhiannon's over there. ANSON So? OLIVE So? She's been in love with you since the first grade. ANSON So? OLIVE Well, she's my best friend. ANSON I thought you two weren't speaking. OLIVE We're not, but it doesn't mean I should be out with you. ANSON Then why are you? OLIVE I don't know. You asked me out? ANSON Exactly. I have no interest in her. I mean, we're friends, but -- 90. OLIVE She can't see us. ANSON (DISAPPOINTED) Do you want me to get the check? OLIVE (TOUCHED) Would you mind? He gestures for the server who appears. ANSON Could we get our check? SERVER (CONFUSED) Is everything okay? OLIVE I just remembered I'm allergic to shellfish. I always forget that my respiratory system would collapse and I'd die. It sucks I know. Even more confused, the server obliges and gives them their check. OLIVE (CONT'D) (Digging in her purse) Let me get it. I have a gift certificate. She pulls it out and hands it to the waitress, who leaves. ANSON But I asked you out. OLIVE And I ruined it, so let me bear the financial brunt. (Beat.) I'm so sorry about this. But she really likes you. ANSON She and I just don't have much in common. OLIVE And you and I do? 91. ANSON I think so. For instance, I, too think Nina Howell's a twat. OLIVE Yeah, well, if that's our magical connection, I should date the entire school. ANSON Haven't you? Olive suddenly becomes self-conscious and a little bit pissed. ANSON (CONT'D) Kidding! OLIVE Yeah, about that -- The server reappears with the check. SERVER You have a remaining balance of fourteen dollars and thirty six cents. OLIVE Keep it. Tip. The sever smiles and leaves them again. ANSON Let's get out of here. They duck out of the booth trying to keep their heads down, but Olive can't resist the urge to look up and see if Rhiannon sees them. She does. Olive and Rhiannon make eye contact. Whereas, Olive looks remorseful, Rhiannon looks like she's just been stabbed in the back -- which she has. The Abernathys see her, as well, and wave. It's painfully obvious to Olive that Rhi hasn't told her parents about their differences. She starts to go over, but Rhiannon's face is turning vermillion in anger. Olive just waves, sheepishly and leaves with Anson. 92. I/E. ANSON'S CAR - RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER Olive's face is painted with guilt. She feels like shit, but doesn't want to externalize it. Anson puts his hand on her knee. ANSON I have something for you. Olive manages a smile. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $500 GIFT CERTIFICATE to ANTHROPOLOGIE and hands it to her. Olive is disappointed, but tries not to show it. OLIVE Oh. I didn't realize -- Snapping out of her guilt. OLIVE (CONT'D) Okay. So, what did we "do" on this date? ANSON Whatever $500 gets me. He leans over and kisses her. She pushes him off. OLIVE Wait. This isn't how it works. I don't actually -- But he's kissing her again, a little too forcibly. She pushes him off again. OLIVE (CONT'D) You don't get it. I'm not technically having sex with people for money. You know that, right? Besides, even if I was, we're in the parking lot of a Red Lobster. ANSON We can go wherever you want, but I think it would be kind of hot here. He takes off his shirt. OLIVE Dude, I gotta go. It's been -- sad. 93. She gets out of the car. He rolls down the window. ANSON Olive, you're being stupid. I'll take you home. OLIVE No thanks. He drives off, leaving her outside in the parking lot. OLIVE (CONT'D) Fuck. As luck would have it, Meerkat Todd, is coming out the back exit. He sees her and gives her a surprised, toothy grin. MEERKAT TODD Hey Olive! OLIVE Hey Todd. MEERKAT TODD What are you doing here? OLIVE Oh, I'm just hanging out in the parking lot. I do that sometimes. Not necessarily just here. The one outside of Applebee's is fun, too. MEERKAT TODD (Laughing at her oddness) You want a ride somewhere? OLIVE Nah. I'm fine. MEERKAT TODD Your friend Rhi is inside. It's her Mom's birthday. Tears begin to glisten in Olive's eyes. OLIVE She's not my friend anymore. Todd walks over and puts his arm around her and leads her to his car. He opens the door for her and she sits down. 94. I/E. MEERKAT TODD'S CAR - NIGHT Olive is trying to pull herself together but she can't stop crying as Todd drives her home. Todd doesn't know what to say to her. Finally -- MEERKAT TODD You wanna talk about it? OLIVE What's to say? I'm a horrible person. Everyone thinks I'm a whore and, for the first time, I'm starting to believe it. MEERKAT TODD Huh? OLIVE Oh, don't act like you don't know what people are saying about me. MEERKAT TODD I know what people are saying. Doesn't mean I believe them. OLIVE Why not? MEERKAT TODD Olive, contrary to popular belief, I'm not an idiot. I know exactly what's going on and I know exactly what you're doing. She stops crying. OLIVE Who told you? MEERKAT TODD No one had to tell me. All I know is once upon a time, there was a scared little kid in a closet at a party who wasn't ready for his first kiss and there was this amazing little girl who lied for him. She smiles through her tears. OLIVE You remember that? 95. MEERKAT TODD Yeah and after I ran out, you pulled Brandon in. Yeah, I know about that, by the way. OLIVE And look how he turned out. MEERKAT TODD Sometimes I still pretend you were my first kiss. OLIVE (LAUGHING) Yeah? Who was? MEERKAT TODD Your friend. Rhiannon. Olive's laughter turns to rage. OLIVE What!? MEERKAT TODD Yeah. About a year later. It sucked. OLIVE (Blurting it out) She knew how I felt about you! MEERKAT TODD How do you feel about me? OLIVE (IGNORING HIM) She did it first! And here I am feeling SOOOO bad and THAT BITCH! MEERKAT TODD Wait. How do you feel about me? OLIVE (AGGRESSIVELY DEFENSIVE) Felt! I said FELT! MEERKAT TODD (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. He stops the car. They're at her house. 96. OLIVE (Off his look) I mean, it's not that I don't still feel that way. There's an awkward moment between them. MEERKAT TODD Olive. If I promise not to tell anyone, could I kiss you? Despite the fact that this is positively the most romantic moment of her young life, Olive looks down. OLIVE No. Not tonight. I don't want you to kiss me when mascara's running down my cheek or some shithead has forced his tongue down my throat only a half-hour ago. I've wanted to kiss you since the eighth grade, but I want it to be perfect. And right now, my life's a mess. I need to get it under control before I drag you into it. MEERKAT TODD What if I told you I wanted to be dragged into it? Maybe I could help. He holds out his hand and she takes it. OLIVE Now I have a reason to fix this catastrophe I've brought upon myself. And I'm going to. MEERKAT TODD Okay. He smiles his goofy grin and she embraces him. She hops out of the car and goes to her front door. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Into her webcam -- OLIVE You see, now I had a reason for things to go back to the way that they were. (MORE) 97. OLIVE (CONT'D) The truth needed to be told and I knew I had to go the one person who could help me. The one person I could count on to set the story straight. Brandon. I'd helped him and, even though it would destroy his new reputation for being a stud, I knew he would help me. INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Filling the frame, a GOSSIPY GIRL in braces says -- GOSSIPY GIRL Oh my God, did you hear that Brandon ran away from home? Yeah. Totally. He left his parents a note that said: `Eff you, I'm gay.' And then he skipped town with a big, hulking black guy. We spin around to see Olive's stunned reaction. OLIVE (TO HERSELF) My apologies to Mark Twain. GOSSIPY GIRL Huh? The reality of the situation begins to weigh on her. OLIVE Nothing. Defeated, Olive makes her way through the crowded halls. OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D) It gets worse. Due to his `condition,' Micah was sent on an extended visit to his grandparents in Mississippi. INT. STUFFY OLD HOUSE IN MISSISSIPPI - DAY Micah, beyond miserable, sits between his STERN GRANDPARENTS, who read the Bible to him. 98. OLIVE (V.O.) No telephone, no television, no computer, no internet and - most importantly - no diseased sexual partners. Micah settles in for a very long visit. INT. UNDER THE BLEACHERS - GYM - DAY Where they had previously met, Olive pleads with Evan. OLIVE (V.O.) I went to everyone I'd helped and begged them to say it wasn't true. EVAN No way. I gave you money. OLIVE Please, Evan. He walks off, leaving her alone. INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY Olive waits for Mrs. Griffin's response. There's a long moment of contemplation on Mrs. Griffin's part. Then -- MRS. GRIFFIN Olive, life is full of choices. I made a bad one. But then, so did you. We both acted unwisely, but I don't see any other alternative than to live with the guilt. My guilt stems from my indiscretion, yours for lying. We've made our choices. Now, we have to ride them out. OLIVE (Pissed as hell) Or I could just tell everyone THE TRUTH. MRS. GRIFFIN Fine, Olive. Let's play the `who do you believe' game. But, first, ask yourself, if you were an adult, who would you believe? 99. OLIVE With all due respect, Mrs. Griffin, you're a fucking cunt. MRS. GRIFFIN Because you helped me once, I'm not going to report that to Principal Gibbons. Now, we're even. They're locked in a Mexican standoff. MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) You can go now. Furious, Olive throws the door open and exits. INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY Mr. Griffin is erasing the blackboard, when Olive storms into the room. OLIVE Your wife has chlamydia and she's been sleeping with a student and she gave it to him and now she's trying to blame me. Shocked, Mr. Griffin drops the eraser. MR. GRIFFIN What? The gravity of what she's just done sinks in and she stumbles. OLIVE I -- I'm sorry. I -- Not knowing what to say, she runs from his classroom. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Olive is mirthless, as she proceeds with her story. OLIVE Looking back, that's the thing I regret the most. That's the thing that sent me to the church, er, churches. And that's the thing that made me realize how profoundly I'd fucked up. (MORE) 100. OLIVE (CONT'D) And that's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. With my words, even though they were true, I ended a marriage. No kid should have to be burdened with that. She contemplates this. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY As we saw before, Olive sits and plays `CONNECT FOUR' with Mr. Griffin, at his desk. Both are looking beaten down and very depressed and their minds are on everything but the game. Mr. Griffin puts his hand on Olive's. MR. GRIFFIN It's not your fault. Olive gets a tear in her eyes. She puts a RED CHIP in at the top and loses the game. She reaches over and presses the lever, causing all of the chips to fall on his desk. CUT TO: THE JENGA SET-UP There's a ridiculously tall tower of blocks and they all fall down. CUT TO: He rakes the chips and the game into his own cardboard box, full of his things. He smiles and she hugs him -- intensely, tears quickly welling up in her eyes. OLIVE I'm so sorry. MR. GRIFFIN No. It's not your fault. They just hold each other. Finally, Mr. Griffin pulls away and takes his things and starts to leave. But then he turns and says -- 101. MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) I hope that you and Todd end up okay. OLIVE Me too. Where are you going? MR. GRIFFIN Not sure yet. Away from her. OLIVE Can I come? They share one last, pained smile and he leaves. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY Hearfelt, into the webcam -- OLIVE Mr. Griffin, if you ever see this, just know - I was wrong to tell you that. In that way. At all. I don't know. I shouldn't have done it. I don't feel bad for lying for your wife. But I hate myself for telling you the truth. I'm so sorry. She wipes away a tear, pulls herself together. OLIVE (CONT'D) Part Five: Not With a Whimper But With a Bang. EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY As we saw before -- The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school, with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on wooden stakes that say things like: EXPEL OLIVE! EXODUS 20:14 SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE Rhi is among them, as riled up as any. 102. Olive steps out of the school to see the demonstration. her jaw drops. OLIVE Oh fuck me. Things have gotten WAY too out of hand. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Olive cries on her bed, clutching her teddy bear. Rosemary listens, as a good mother does. OLIVE So, now everyone who knows the truth is either gone or won't fess up. The Cross Your Legs Club is demanding my head. And the messed up thing is that I wouldn't put it past Gibbons to expel me. ROSEMARY I had a similar situation when I was your age. OLIVE (IN DISBELIEF) Everyone called you a whore? ROSEMARY Yes. I had a horrible reputation and people said awful things about me. But it was true. I was a slut. Olive gives her a suspicious look. OLIVE I'm waiting for you to say (Imitating her mother) `Just kidding!' ROSEMARY (EARNESTLY) No, it's true. I slept with a whole bunch of people. OLIVE Mom! ROSEMARY Well! It was a different time. 103. OLIVE Ewwww! ROSEMARY I did. I got around. Before I met your father, I was a garden variety floozy. OLIVE Why are you telling me this? ROSEMARY Because I endured a similar lynching because of a certain dalliance. OLIVE I promise that it was no worse than Marianne Bryant's attack on me. ROSEMARY Wanna bet? It was her mother. OLIVE Wait, what? ROSEMARY Yep. Don Bryant and I got caught in a very compromising position in the locker room during a basketball game. OLIVE That's disgusting! He's disgusting! ROSEMARY He wasn't back then. He was actually pretty handsome. All I'm saying is that MAYBE the reason that Bryant girl is going after you is because her mother told her about me. OLIVE So, the sins of the mother are revisited on the daughter. ROSEMARY There's something else you should know. This is hard to say but -- Don Bryant is your father. Marianne is your sister. 104. Olive turns white. ROSEMARY (CONT'D) Kidding!! Well, about the sister thing, but not about the Don thing. That happened. Actually that happened a couple of times before we got caught. Olive punches her mother on the arm, who's laughing hysterically. OLIVE I hate you so much right now. Can't you see I'm a mess! ROSEMARY No, you're not, Olive. You're wonderful. And you're going to handle this the same way that I did. With an incontrovertible sense of humor. They embrace and Olive gets an idea. OLIVE Thanks for the pep talk, Mom. Now get out. I need to make some phone calls. Rosemary looks slightly concerned by the grin on Olive's face. INT. GYM - DAY We join a pep rally, already in progress. The DANCE TEAM attempts to rile up the school with a rousing rendition of Michael Jackson's `BAD.' In the stands, Rhi sits with Marianne and Nina. MARIANNE So, Olive wasn't at school today. She extends her palms to Nina and Rhi, who both slap them. Marianne puts her arm around Rhi. MARIANNE (CONT'D) I'm so glad you're with us now. RHIANNON Me too. You guys fucking rock. 105. MARIANNE We don't say that word, Rhiannon. NINA (HELPFULLY) Just say `effing' instead. We effing rock. Marianne nods in agreement, however Rhi is confused. RHIANNON But isn't that just implying the same word? MARIANNE Oh, Rhiannon. We have so much to teach you. It's okay to imply things. Rhiannon looks at her new best friends, who just smile at her. The song ends and there's a drum roll. RHIANNON Yay! It's time for Meerkat Todd. (SEXUALLY) I just want to rip that costume off him and -- Marianne puts her hand firmly on Rhi's knee. MARIANNE Why don't you just not talk for a while, okay hon? Rhi puts her head down. The drum roll ends and Meerkat Todd bounces out in costume. He jumps around enthusing the student body -- But then he goes out of the gym and reenters pushing a DUMPSTER. The familiar chords of the James Bond theme `Nobody Does It Better' plays from the band. Meerkat Todd opens the lid of the dumpster and Olive, dressed in a glittery and slinky RED DRESS, with a BOA draped around her bare shoulder, pops up and croons with a handheld mic and slightly different lyrics: 106. OLIVE Nobody does it better. Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it half as good as me. Baby, I'm the best. Todd lifts Olive out of the dumpster and she sings her ass off - and she's quite good. OLIVE (CONT'D) I wasn't lookin,' But somehow they found me. I tried to hide from Your love light. But like heaven above me The guys who loved me Are keepin' all my secrets safe tonight. She winks at the audience. The guys begin to wolf whistle and howl at her sheer brilliance. She begins to rub her hands seductively over Meerkat Todd's furry costume, eventually unzipping it and taking off the head to reveal: BLUE DEVIL TODD! The crowd goes wild. OLIVE (CONT'D) And nobody does it better Though sometimes I wish someone could. Nobody does it quite the way I do. Why'd I have to be so good? She saunters over to Rhi and kisses her on the cheek, leaving a big, red lip mark. OLIVE (CONT'D) The way that they hold me Whenever they hold me There's some kind of magic inside you. That keeps me from runnin', But just keep it comin'! How'd you learn to do the things you do? She sees that Gibbons is not amused, but that doesn't stop her. OLIVE (CONT'D) Oh, and nobody does it better. Makes me feel sad for the rest. (MORE) 107. OLIVE (CONT'D) Nobody does it half as good as me. Baby, baby! Darlin', I'm the best! She walks over to a couple of HORN PLAYERS, and runs her fingers seductively over their (uh) instruments. The crowd goes wild - some appalled, but most enthused. Olive sashays through the crowd as the MALE TEENS scream and stuff money down her bodice. OLIVE (CONT'D) Baby you're the best! Darlin', you're the best! Baby, you're the best! The song ends and Olive takes Blue Devil Todd's hand. OLIVE (CONT'D) (To the student body) This is just a free preview. For the main event log on to www.freeolivep.com tonight at 6 p.m. Now, I know this conflicts with tonight's basketball game, but c'mon would you rather be here cheering on the Meerkats (Looking at Todd, LASCIVIOUSLY) or watch me do one. There are audible gasps, but excitement nonetheless. Gibbons angrily storms over and takes the microphone. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (Through gritted teeth) Young lady, to my office. NOW. OLIVE Yeah, I can't. I'm gonna go bang my boyfriend while the whole school watches. But good luck with the game-thing. Go Meerkats. She plods out, triumphantly. INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DUSK The sun is setting as Olive speaks into her webcam. But this time, we're not seeing it through the lens, but from a different point in the room. 108. OLIVE And here you all are. Waiting outside the closet door for me to kiss Todd, listening to me pretend to have sex with Brandon, paying me to lie for you, calling probably the last virgin in school a whore. Guys. Seriously. All of a sudden -- from outside and downstairs -- James' `LAID' begins to play. Olive goes over to the window and sees Todd below, holding up a BOOMBOX (a la John Cusack) and there's a RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER (a la Patrick Dempsey) behind him. Upon seeing this, she bursts into laughter, but it couldn't be more romantic. OLIVE (CONT'D) (SHOUTING DOWN) Who told you that I loved this song? MEERKAT TODD (SHOUTING UP) I guessed. OLIVE I see you've been watching my live webcast. It's still going on, you know. MEERKAT TODD Fuck them. They've had enough of you. Well, figuratively speaking. I borrowed my neighbor's John Deere. Come down here. OLIVE That rhymed. MEERKAT TODD Intentionally. OLIVE Be right down. Olive can't get the smile off of her face as she goes back to the camera. We see her through the lens. 109. OLIVE (CONT'D) That's Todd. Not that I owe any of you any more confessions, but I'm really in love with him. And I am going to lose my virginity to him. I'm not sure when. It could happen five minutes from now or tonight or six months from now or maybe on our wedding night, but the really amazing thing is that it's nobody's business. (As an afterthought) Like, totally. She turns the camera off. EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Olive runs out of the house and tackles him, kissing him - in the front yard, in broad daylight, for the world to see. FADE OUT. OVER THE END CREDITS... EXT. GYM - NIGHT The basketball game is going on to an almost empty gymnasium. MONTAGE We see, from the perspective of their computer screens, various reactions to Olive's webcast -- -- A proud Brandon watches from a hotel room. A MUSCULAR BLACK GUY in a towel comes up behind him and kisses his neck. -- The Abernathys watch with the same demented glee they derive from watching anything. -- Mrs. Griffin watches with the face of a person who's been found out and who's days are numbered. They are. 110. -- Rhi seems contemplative. Maybe it's because she's been in love with Olive since grade school. Duh. -- Evan, the fat kid, is doing jumping jacks while watching. -- Melanie Bostic (the host of the party) watches with a group of girls. MELANIE (SATISFIED) Told you guys. Pay up. -- Marianne feels regret. But a little bit impressed. -- Mr. Griffin is proud of her. -- Micah watches in his dark bedroom. MICAH'S GRANDMOTHER (O.S.) Micah? What are you doing in there? (STERNLY) You had better not be on the sin- ternet. -- Rosemary and Dill are too busy making out to watch. -- Anson has a jar of vaseline and is ready to jerk off, but is upset that she isn't `exposing herself' in the aforementioned way. ANSON (TO HIMSELF) I thought she was going to take her clothes off. EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - HOURS LATER Olive and Todd are still kissing on the lawn underneath the stars. FADE OUT.

Ed TV ED TV by Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel Sixth Rewrite July 16,1997 This is the first eRelease for the script of the movie "Ed TV" This script was scanned, proof read and formatted by Ueli Riegg eMail: [email protected]; URL: http://studiour.tsx.org 1 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The following is shot DOCUMENTARY-STYLE. A GIRLS VOLLEYBALL GAME has just ended. It was a big game. Some kind of championship. ONE TEAM is CELEBRATING -- jumping up and down, squealing and hugging each other. We are focused on the bench of the TEAM TRAT LOST. They're very sad -- several are crying. One girl, in particular, (AMY) is really sobbing. She's sweat- stained, tired and just blubbering. Stuff's coming out of her eyes, her nose, her mouth and the camera is seeing it all. The COACH, a fortyish man looks at all the weeping girls -- Amy in particular. COACH You quit! You gave up! He KICKS a CHAIR. Now Amy is really a mess. She's crying, coughing, shaking. COACH (CONT'D) (right in Amy's face) You quit!! The Coach storms off. COACH (CONT'D) Qutters! ... Quitters! Amy is wailing and choking on her own tears. This IMAGE FREEZES. TERRY (V.O.) And that would be it. I don't think you need any narration at all. Just end it right there. REVEAL 2 INT. OFFICE - DAY BEGIN CREDITS We're in New York City. We're in the conference room of a modestly successful cable TV station called "Real TV." The people are young, energetic, clever. It's crowded, noisy -the furniture is beaten up, bulletin boards cover the walls, with large index cards all over them. This room is not for show -- work gets done here. SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE are present. One of them is CYNTHIA REED. She's the boss. TERRY (to Cynthia) What do you think? CYNTHIA It's horrible, it's depressing, I love it. What else? ALICE I want to re-pitch that pregnancy idea. Find six women early in their pregnancies and follow them all right through to the births. KEITH (negative) Yeah, when all that stuff comes out. Mixed reactions, mostly negative. CYNTHIA I have an idea. IMMEDIATE ATTENTION CYNTHIA (CONT'D) This is something I've been thinking about for a long time. We're "Real TV" right? I mean that's the name of the station. AGREEMENT CYNTHIA (CONT'D) So let's go real. We find someone. Just a regular person, someone. And we put their life on television - live... all day long. Silence. No movement at all. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) Calm down. KEITH What do you mean, like PBS did in the seventies? What was that family? GREG The Louds. KEITH Yeah. CYNTHIA No. We go way beyond that. We don't film it and edit it and put it on later. We go on the air live every morning and the show goes off each night, when our subject goes to bed. In between, we're on live all day, every day - the same person, -- for (shrugs) let's say a month. No one is wild for this. Some hate it -- some are unconvinced. FELICIA That's not a show that's a surveillance camera. GREG You can't do that. CYNTHIA The hell we can't. Look, the beauty of being a cable channel is we can take chances. I've thought about this and I'm telling you, I think this can make a noise. A loud one. There are twelve thousand channels. You've got to do something that says "Look at me!" Hell, people look at fish tanks all day. This is people! (more firmly) Someone's real life -- an TV, all day long - live... And, you know what? I'm doing it. Pause. The others know the argument is over. GREG In that case, we love it. END CREDITS 3 EXT. POOL HALL - DAY A BUS passes. On the bus is an ad. It says, "Would you like to star in your own TV show? Call Real TV (and a phone number) Coming (and a date)." 4 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT - PARAMUS NEW JERSEY This is a nice upscale pool hall. A party is in progress in a special private area -- a room upstairs let's say -- a loft. Thirty or forty PEOPLE in their twenties and thirties are informally celebrating the engagement of two of their friends. It's NOISY, it's fun, it's informal. It's not a high-end group. By that we mean, not, for the most part young lawyers or stockbrokers. They're mostly blue-collar. Community college graduates. WE OPEN ON ED PEKURNY. He's an attractive man, about thirty. There's still something a little juvenile about him -- not stupid, just boyish. SOMEONE is VIDEOTAPING HIM for one of those congratulation montage things that are done at parties these days. Ed is good at this. He's not professional but he's a loosey-goosey guy who's kind of good on camera. ED I want to congratulate Kevin and Tracy on their engagement. I knew you guys were meant for each other from the moment Tracy told us she was pregnant. TRACY You asshole! Everyone else is cracking up. ED (innocently) What? What did I say? TRACY My mother's going to see this! 5 INT. PARTY - LATER Other people are being "interviewed" on tape. Ed is SHOOTING POOL with his buddy, JOHN. John's had a couple of drinks. He's a little melancholy. He is looking across the room, thoughtfully. ED What? JOHN Look at this -- people are getting married, they're getting married... ED You said that. JOHN We're falling behind. Ed waves dismissively. JOHN (CONT'D) You know who we are? ED Tell me. JOHN We're the guys who clean up after the parade. ED I'm gonna stick this right in your eye. JOHN I was at this comedy club last week and this comedian says "If you're over thirty and your job requires you to wear a name tag, you screwed up your life." And I'm laughing and then I realize I wear a nametag. ED So do I. So what? I'm doing all right. JOHN Your brother's here. ANGLE ON THE DOOR Ed's brother RAY and Ray's girlfriend SHARI arrive at the party. Shari is pretty in an unglamorous kind of way. They both wave and then Shari goes off to talk to some of the LADIES and Ray joins Ed and John. RAY What's up? ED Where were you? RAY (reluctantly) I was... having dinner with Shari and her parents. JOHN/ED (taunting) Oooh! RAY I'm telling you, it's closing in on me. All of a sudden it's like a thing, it's a whole thing. ED What do you mean all of a sudden? You've been going with her six months. RAY I know. I mean I'm sitting there and her father's asking me about my "career prospects" and I'm playing "Risk," with her kid brother, Leon and at dinner the dog's sniffing at my balls -- at least I hope it was the dog. 'Cause her mother disappeared for a while. They LAUGH. 6 INT. PARTY - LATER It's getting wild. Some of the girls are dancing raucously. ANGLE ON A TABLE (NOT A POOL TABLE, AN EATING-TABLE) Ed, Ray, John, Shari and maybe another WOMAN. Ray is holding a big tray of SHRIMP BALLS. During the conversation, Ray throws them in the air and catches them in his mouth like popcorn. Once, he even bounces one off the wall into his mouth. ED You know, those are for everybody. Ray waves dismissively, then gets an idea. RAY Oh! (to Shari) Show them that thing you can do. (to the others) This is great. I just found out she can do this, her brother told me. (to Shari) Come on. SHARI (thinks it's stupid) I don't - RAY Come on... She hesitates, but she really doesn't mind. Slightly, amused she takes her FIST and fits it completely INTO her MOUTH. ED Whoa!! Oh! Ray is cracking up. RAY Is that unbelievable? She removes her hand. SHARI And that concludes today's show. (to Ray) This is where you go around and collect the money. Ed LAUGHS. Ray gives her a KISS. Shari's roommate RITA sits down. RITA Hi. SHARI You guys know my roommate, Rita. They do, vaguely. ED What's going on over there? RITA Everybody's making audition tapes for that Real TV thing. JOHN Oh, that thing. Yeah. Did you hear about this? ED (not sure) Yeah, what - they put some schmuck on TV all day long or something? RAY You know, that would be like a great thing. ED What? RAY That! Being that guy. Being the guy they watch. ED What are you drunk? RAY Yeah, but let's stay on one subject. Whoever that person is is going to be famous. They'll be able to get whatever they want. They'll ... trust me, this is my business. ED What is?! RAY Show business. ED You're in show business? RAY Yeah. I service video equipment. ED That's like... those people stitching Nikes in Panama saying they're in the NBA. RAY (insulted) I'm not stitching Nikes in Panama! ... Bedwetter! ED Thumbsucker! RAY I'm making a tape. ED We're excited. 7 INT. BAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER Ed and Shari, waiting for drink orders. ED So Ray met the family. SHARI Yeah... ED I hear the dog really liked him. SHARI Oh, the whole family loved him. Of course, they loved the last guy I went out with, and he strung me along for three years and dumped me. ED Really? You see, to me, you shouldn't have any trouble with men. There should be, like, a line behind you. She takes Ed's beer. SHARI You shouldn't drink. They LAUGH. 8 INT. TABLE - A LITTLE LATER Ed and Shari ARM-WRESTLING. After a struggle, Ed wins. Ed is impressed. ED Jesus! Shari wrings out her arm and picks up her beer. SHARI (continuing a previous conversation) And, you know, every guy I ever broke up with, the minute it was over, I could tell you what went wrong, how it went wrong, why it had to go wrong... but when I'm in it... lost. I'm like a love coroner. Bring me the corpse, I'11 tell you what killed it. But how to prevent it? Lost. Ed LAUGHS. ED Ray's on. They walk over. ANGLE ON RAY RAY (to camera) Hi. I'm Ray Pekurney. I'm from Paramus, New Jersey... 9 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - DAY She's watching Ray's tape. Ray thinks he's funnier and cuter than he is. RAY (ON TAPE) All my friends tell me "Ray, you've got too much personality for one guy." It's like at a party -- I'm at the center of the attention. Everybody loves me. He gets hit in the face by a hors d'oeuvre. RAY (CONT'D) Ha, ha, ha. I'll kick your ass. No really, let me show you my girlfriend. She's really cute. He reaches out and grabs Shari's wrist. Shari is struggling to stay out of frame. We just see her arm and Ray pulling on it. Ray lets go. RAY (CONT'D) She's strong, 'cause she's a Fedex girl. She lifts those packages. But she's not dikey at all, she's really pretty. CYNTHIA FAST-FORWARDS WE SEE the camera shooting an empty space. Then Ed's head appears sideways right in front of the CAMERA. ED Hello I'm Ed. He starts to sniff. ED (CONT'D) What smells? He steps back from the camera and straightens his head as he SNIFFS. He's more relaxed than Ray. ED (CONT'D) What is that smell? Oop, I think it's this idea. One person on TV all day long? (screams) Are you nuts? WE HEAR LAUGHS The Real TV Staff are enjoying Ed's tape while they eat lunch out of styrofoam containers. ED (CONT'D) Seriously, get your resumes in order. When my brother Ray - whose personality you were just dazzled by -- told me he was going to try out for this -- I said, "why in the world would anyone want to be on TV all day long, no privacy, everybody knowing your business, exposing every single detail of your life I mean... why would anyone want to do that? But then I thought of a reason... (loudly) Why the hell not? He KISSES the LENS, smudging it. Cynthia, watching, cracks up. The others seem to like him to. 10 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY This is a video store in Paramus, New Jersey. It's busy. PEOPLE are in line to check out tapes. WE OPEN ON a WOMAN -- a mother -- who is rummaging through her purse for her Blockbuster card. She looks up and sees that her TWO CHILDREN have opened several boxes of candy from the candy display and are eating from the boxes. MOTHER Oh for -- Put those -- Oh God... She grabs the boxes from them. The boxes are ripped more than she thought and candy goes flying all over. She bends to pick it up. Ed appears. He works here. ED (to the Mom) We'11 take care of it. Someone arrives with a broom. ED (CONT'D) (to the broom guy) Here. This time throw it out, don't eat it. LOU, the Manager passes. ED Lou, can I talk to you a second? Lou seems like he'd prefer to avoid this. LOU Um, yeah, I was gonna ... ED What's the deal? Did anybody make a decision - LOU Ed, look, uh... you're not getting the job. They're gonna transfer someone from another store to manage this store when I leave to manage the new store. I'm sorry. ED Oh, Christ. Did you go to bat for me? LOU I batted! ED You batted or you bunted? LOU Hey. I went as far as I felt comfortable. I mean, you know, let's face it -- you come and go here as you please. You work when you feel like it -- you know, Bruce Springsteen's birthday is not a legal holiday. ED Well, then I'm quitting. LOU Ed, come on. What's that gonna do? You're gonna bring Blockbuster to their knees. Let me recommend a movie to you. It's called "Get your shit together before it's too late." ED (wise-ass) Who's in it? CLERK Ed, telephone. Ed goes to the phone. ED (into the phone) Yeah... Are you serious? ... Come on, no kidding, who is this? ... Holy shit! 11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - ANOTHER DAY Ed is being interviewed by the "Real TV" staff whom we met earlier. He's slightly less comfortable than on his tape, but he's good. ED I had one year of college. And then one year of junior college. CYNTHIA (O.C.) What did you study? ED Oh, see, studying would've been a huge help. Where were you, then? They LAUGH. CUT TO: 11A INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Well, there's Ray, my brother. He's... ambitious. Like a few years ago, he started this mobile dog-grooming business. But, like, out of his Camry. He had this bathtub in his trunk - (Ed starts cracking up) he's throwing the dogs in there, they're fighting and splashing, then he'd slam the trunk down, let 'em run around inside screaming getting all wet... then he'd use the car exhaust to dry'em. (wiping his eyes) Ah, Ray... he just can't get a break. CUT TO: 11B INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED My sister -- Marcia, I mean she can't get a break. About seven years ago she falls in love with this Vietnamese guy who wants to marry her so he can stay in the country. So they get married, they have a kid, he gets his citizenship, immediately divorces my sister and marries this Vietnamese woman who, he was probably already married to all along. She can pick 'em. (pause) She's got a nice little boy, though. My nephew, Andy. CUT TO: 11C INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED My Mom's okay. Kinda. I knew a guy who hated his mother - Stuey Shwam. He hated his mother so much, he had his belly button removed. CUT TO: 11D INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED No, I've never been married. The interviewer seems to be waiting for him to elaborate. He doesn't. He shrugs -- that's it. CUT TO: 11E INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Oh, my father -what an asshole. When I was twelve, my mother needed a hysterectomy -- my father ran off with her nurse! And that's the last I heard of him. CUT TO: 11F INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Al, my stepfather he's opinionated. And you have to listen because he's like in a wheelchair. CUT TO: 11G INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED I like my job -- I mean I'm doing all right. I'm not sure how long I want to stay there, you know... I mean, I'm thirty-one... I'm not sure I want to be a video store clerk when I'm forty... Of course, I didn't expect to be doing it 'til I was thirty-one, either. But... you know I'm... keeping my options open. Anything comes along, I'm ready to pounce. (growls like a cougar) CUT TO: 11H INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED A dream? Of course I have a dream I just don't know what the hell it is. (shrugs and smiles) Ed's image freezes, while he has a funny-cute expression on his face. PULL BACK TO REVEAL a TV in a conference room with Ed's frozen image on it. Cynthia is there with her bosses, the people who run the network that owns Real TV. The top man is MR. SCHARLACH. His deputies are MS. SEAVER and MR. McILVAINE. This is not the same place where we met Cynthia and her staff. This is richer, more corporate and formal. CYNTHIA He's who we want to go with. SCHARLACH (doubtfully) This guy. CYNTHIA I polled my staff. The men say they'd hang around with him and the women say he's fuckable. And one of the men said he's fuckable. SCHARLACH I'm not sure about the entire concept. Cynthia is frustrated. CYNTHIA Look it's not like we're burning up the airwaves now. We're running neck-and-neck with The Gardening Channel. If people just tune in to this twice a day for five minutes, we're a hit. Plus we can sell advertising every second, running at the bottom of the screen... and the beauty is this guy doesn't even have to be good. I mean if he's good, great. But if he winds up making an ass of himself, better. McILVAINE How is that better? CYNTHIA Come on. People cannot turn away from an accident. You drive by, you say "Ooh, I hope there's not a head lying in the road" but you look ! See, nobody in America wants to be nobody. This guy wants to be famous. So, basically, the deal is he agrees to drive down the highway a hundred miles an hour blindfolded and we get to see if his head winds up rolling down the highway. Fun for the whole family. So let's do it. She stops, waiting for approval. 12 INT. VIDEO STORE SCHARLACH (coldly) Good luck. Ed's RE-STOCKING the SHELVES He gets goosed from behind RAY (O.C.) (very loud and happy) Hey... ED (goosed) Oh! Ed DROPS the BOXES. Ray is there with Shari. RAY I got your message. Way to go! ED Hi, Shari. (to Ray) Let's go in the stockroom. 13 INT. STOCKROOM Ed and Ray enter. RAY So when do you start? ED I ... I'm not gonna do it. RAY What? ED Look -- there's a million ways to humiliate yourself - I gotta think of a new way? I mean, it's all day! Every minute. Id be like a monkey at the zoo. I just... RAY (disgusted) Oh man! They couldn't pick me! They had to pick you! He slaps a tape off a shelf. ED You would do this? You would actually -- RAY In a second! In a hot second. Let me ask you something -- ED Why do you do that? RAY What? ED Whenever you ask me something why do you always say "Let me ask you something?" Why don't you just ask me? RAY (impatiently) All right. Let me ask you something... are you happy like this? ED I'm doing all right. RAY Oh Yeah? What's your master plan here? Shari enters, curious about the yelling. She stands there quietly, unnoticed by the guys. RAY (CONT'D) You're gonna be a video store clerk for the rest of your life? This is your big ambition, rearranging the "Ernest" movies? ED Screw off. RAY How many opportunities are you going to get in your life? ED I don't know. RAY That's right. You don't know. Doors don't fly open for guys like us. ED Hey. You know-- we're not the same. I got a good life, this job suits me. I come and go when I please -- RAY Oh, don't bullshit a bullshitter. If you're happy like this you're an idiot, and you're not an idiot. (sees Shari) Hi. Ed turns and sees Shari. She's self-conscious. She feels like she's been caught eavesdropping. SHARI Oh. I -- I heard Ray yelling. 1 didn't mean to -- RAY (to Ed) Give me a chance. I'm begging you. I need a break. Look, I'11 cover your ass. I'11 ride shotgun. Just bring those cameras over to me and I'11 make something happen for both of us. I swear. Come on, Eddie Pause. ED All right. RAY Yeah?! ED Yeah. Ray lifts Ed up. Ray kisses Ed. RAY (to Shari) Is this guy a brother?! 14 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Moderate-priced, restaurant. WE OPEN ON a CLOSE-UP of AL. He's about seventy. REVEAL THE FAMILY AL What happens when you go to the bathroom? Do they go in with you? Ed, Ray, Al, JEANETTE and MARCIA. Al is in a WHEELCHAIR and has an oxygen mask connected to a tank. He periodically takes a hit of oxygen. He's a little short of breath, but loves to talk. Jeanette is Ed's mother -- about sixty. Marcia is a little older than Ed. ED No. The bathroom is off limits -and when I go to sleep they go to other programming. Unless I get up. Then they go back on the air. Unless I get up to go to the bathroom, I guess, then - AL What if--you're vomiting? ED (amazed by the question) What if I'm vomiting? AL Do they show it? ED I guess -- I don't -- it's all in the contract. There's this million-page contract -- RAY Look, can we all just sign the releases so we can get on with this? MARCIA (accusing, to Ed) What happened? You described this "crazy-kooky" family who'd be a million laughs on TV? ED No! I barely even mentioned -it's just that, my friends, the people at work, whoever I'm regularly in contact with they want releases from. MARCIA (angrily) They're gonna mock our foibles. ED Our what? MARCIA Our foibles, our foibles! RAY We don't have foibles. MARCIA Everyone has foibles. Then the whole country sees them on TV and mocks them. Then we have... mocked foibles. JEANTTE Eddie, please don't let them mock our foibles. ED (losing it) Stop saying foibles! MARCIA Look, my life is not so great, that I want it shown on television. And neither is yours. RAY That's the point -- this could change things. MARCIA How? RAY For instance... me and my friend Bucky are buying out my boss. His equipment, trucks, client list, the whole shmear. MARCIA (points to Ed) What does that have to do with... ? RAY If they keep Ed on for one full month, he gets a balloon payment. Ed nods. Pause. RAY (CONT'D) I borrow against that now, at the bank. Buy the business. And Ed becomes a silent partner. Now here's the beauty part. While we're on TV I plug the shit out of the business. Free advertising. AL How about sex? A STUNNED pause. They all look at Al. ED I'11 have to pass, Al. And it's not an age thing -- AL No! Do they show you having sex? ED No. Kissing and hugging, okay, but if it's actual sex they have to cut away. AL At what point? ED At the point -- I don't -- Look you'd be on TV maybe one or two times each. I'11 try to avoid I'11 go out of my way to avoid, getting together with you. Believe me. WE HEAR: A loud drilling sound. CUT TO: 15 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY A WORKMAN is drilling a hole in the wall. Ed is there with a TV CREW. They're running cable and drilling holes and examining the apartment. Cynthia is going around supervising. Ray and Shari are there. Ray is fascinated. Ed is tense. Shari is observant. Ray separates from Ed and Shari and asks one of the Installers a technical question. SHARI AND ED Ed thinks. Ed joins Cynthia. SHARI Are you sure about this? ED Hey, believe me -1 know I've got a great chance of making a fool of myself, here. SHARI Why do it? ED I saw this show once. It was about logging. I was home sick, there was nothing else on. Do you know how they break up really bad log jams? You know, when they're really tangled... ? SHARI Cream rinse? ED (laughs) Dynamite. SHARI So? ED So maybe this is my dynamite. SHARI Dynamite is dangerous. CYNTHIA Ed, can I see you a second. ED (to Shari) Excuse me. CYNTHIA Okay, so you understand? We're installing a permanent camera in your bedroom, one in the kitchen, one in the living room, plus, of course, there'll always be a couple of steady-cams following you. ED (overwhelmed) Cool. CYNTHIA I want you to take this. She gives him a card. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) That has my work number, my home number, my pager number. I sleep three hours a night. Call me whenever you want to talk. Off the air, on the air, whenever. Okay? ED (barely listening) Um, yeah -- thanks. Ed looks kind of overwhelmed. She doesn't like this. CYNTHIA Now look. Don't freeze up on me. I picked you because you had kind of a relaxed, go-with-the-flow quality. You're not going to lose that, are you? ED No, uh... CYNTHIA I bet my career on you. You'd better be good. ED (annoyed) Don't say that. That's like... telling a guy before you have sex you'd better be good. You don't do that. CYNTHIA I do. Ed reacts. ED Oh. 16 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's in bed, watching TV. The news is on. He glances up at one of the cameras. On the news, they go to a story about him. ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Tomorrow morning, the cable channel known as Real TV, begins broadcasting one of the most heavily promoted concepts in the history of cable television. In an experiment that they say will last at least a month. They're going to follow -- live - every waking minute of a thirty-one year old video store clerk from Paramus New Jersey. The Real TV press release on this promises that none of it will be scripted, none of it will be edited and in my opinion, none of it will be interesting. we're all just supposed to sit in front of our TV's and watch this guy... live. (rhymes with "give") ANCHOR (to the Entertainment Reporter) What would be the interest here? What would... get people to tune in? ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Betas me. SIDEKICK I don't know. I might check it out. ANCHOR Well, Len's here to check out sports. Len, would you watch this video clerk? LEN I'd sooner watch soccer. They all CRUCKLE. 17 INT. CYNTHIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT She's watching the same show. She's edgy. She's CRACKING her KNUCKLES. TV SCREEN LEN Speaking of disasters, at the Meadowlands tonight... The set goes off. Ed, once again, stares up at the camera. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: 18 INT. CONTROL TRUCK Written on the screen -- "Day one." A DIRECTOR and TECHNICAL CREW with all the modern equipment. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Here we go. Ten-nine-eight-seven- 19 INT. REAL TV - OFFICES Cynthia and her staff are gathered to watch the show begin They're TENSE and EXCITED. A commercial is on. 20 INT. TRUCK 21 INT. OFFICE A.D. two... one. On the TV, the commercial ends and the Real TV logo appears. A CRAWL BEGINS It says "The following is unedited, unscripted, and unrehearsed. It is the real life of one American citizen named Ed Pekurny." The logo fades away and we see Ed, in bed, sleeping. His ALARM RINGS and he wakes up. He's groggy from sleep. Instinctively, he begins SCRATCHING his balls. As he does, it hits him that this is not a normal morning. He looks up and sees two steady-cam guys at the foot of his bed, aiming their cameras at him. Ed, then, looks at his hand on his balls. Gently, he moves his hand away. 22 INT. OFFICE KEITH (mock cheerful) Well, we're off to a great start. NOTE: The camera operators will change in shifts. We'11 see about four regulars over the course of the film. The one we will see most often is shooting Ed right now. His name is CARLOS. 23 INT. BEDROOM Ed, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, gets out of bed. His hair is sticking up. He passes a mirror and notices his hair. ED Oh, great. He turns to the camera and seems about to offer an excuse for his appearance, but, then, just moves on. ED (CONT'D) Excuse me. He grabs some clothes and enters the bathroom. 24 INT. OFFICE They're not enjoying this. Everyone's staring at Cynthia. She doesn't flinch. NOTE: Silent advertising runs along the bottom of the screen. 25 INT. KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER Ed enters, dressed and showered. The Steady-cam is in his face. Ed is tight. He's much less comfortable than he expected to be. He smiles stiffly at the camera. He's misplaced his natural charm. He gets a box of Pop-tarts out of the freezer. As he does, other stuff falls out of the freezer on to the floor. He's embarrassed. He bends down to pick things up, showing his ass to the camera. 26 INT. OFFICE GREG (to Cynthia) Start clearing a place for your Emmy. 27 INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER Ed is sitting up on the kitchen counter eating his Pop-tarts and a bowl of cereal. ED (nervously) Same people like to put the milk in first and then the cereal. I like to put in the milk first - I mean the cereal first and then the milk. Yeah, that's it. Now, watch this. He takes a KNIFE and a BANANA. He peels the banana. He holds the knife, blade up, over the cereal and chops down on it with the banana, several times, rapidly, slicing it into the cereal. He's proud of this. 28 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray is watching the show. His head is in his hands. He's horrified by how bad Ed is. 29 INT. PARENTS' HOUSE Jeanette and Al watching Ed. JEANETTE (being positive) So far... 30 INT. OFFICE KEITH Somebody shoot me. 31 INT. NETWORK OFFICE Scharlach, Seaver and McIlvaine watching, grim-faced. 32 INT. OFFICE Cynthia is ON the PHONE. CYNTHIA Get him out of the house! I want him moving! 33 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR (on the phone) Hey, I want him dead, but what can I do. 34 INT. KITCHEN Ed is EATING. He peers confused at the camera. ANGLE ON CAMERA OPERATORS. They're signaling Ed to get out. ANGLE ON ED Bewildered, imitating their gestures. ED What... You want me to swim? 35 INT. CONTROL TRUCK The Director is still on the phone. She's watching Ed on a monitor. DIRECTOR Oh God... Ed gets it. ED Oh, out? You want me to go out. 36 EXT. BUILDING Ed exits the building with the Operators walking backwards in front of him, bumping into PEOPLE- People watch, curiously. Ed reaches his car. He takes out his keys and drops them in a muddy puddle. Disgusted, he fishes them out. CUT TO: 36A INT. NETWORK BUILDING Scharlach, watching impassively. CUT TO: 36B INT. ED'S CAR Ed, in the car. He can barely fit the key into the ignition. Carlos, in the passenger seat taps him on the arm. Ed looks up. Carlos holds up a hastily-made sign. "It's okay. Relax, man." Carlos WINKS. This does help Ed. He appreciates it. He drives. WE SEE the control truck in motion. We also see another car with another Steady-cam OPERATOR, shooting Ed's car as they travel. 37 EXT. STREET - MONTAGE Ed is doing his morning errands. A little shopping -- a little banking -- always ON CAMERA. At one point, he WALKS INTO a GLASS DOOR with the word "Pull" on it. He pushed, banging his forehead. A CHILD points to the word "Pull." Ed turns to the camera, embarrassed. Later he buys a slice of pizza at a little place that's doing no business. ED (to the camera) Best pizza in New Jersey. As he walks down the street, PEOPLE call out "Hey Ed!" People in windows show him that they're watching him at that exact moment. The camera shoots some of the people in the windows. They see themselves on TV and they go wild. Ed also is confronted by GUYS grabbing their crotches mockingly, calling out things like "Hey, Ed, holding your own?" or "Hey, Ed, howls the grand ballroom." Ed is slightly chagrined by all this, but handles it with good grace. He seems to be loosening up. 38 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY Ed arrives at work. The store is already open. (Ed usually gets there in the afternoon and stays until closing.) CUSTOMERS are a little stunned by the arrival of a camera. Some know what it's about some don't. The CLERKS are aware of what's going on. They all signed releases. Ed's BOSS greets him stiffly. Clearly he's trying to get face-time on camera. ED Hey, Lou. LOU (stiffly) Welcome to work, Ed. He shakes Ed's hand and smiles at the camera. He WAVES a little. The BROOM GUY crosses, staring transfixed at the camera. He blocks Ed and Lou. He FREEZES, then panics. He tries to get out of the way and trips over his broom. He tumbles face-first into the camera lens, hurting himself. ANGLE ON ED, observing. ED (mutters) Oh, Jesus, I'm dying. 39 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Carlos, give him some air, give him some room. Use a longer lens. We'11 mostly go with the stationary cameras in here. Less intrusive. (to the crew in the truck, sarcastically) Have any of you thought about your next career? 40 INT. A KITCHEN - SAME TIME A WOMAN is serving dinner. She's watching Ed on TV -- really just glancing at it. Her HUSBAND is helping her bring the food to the table. HUSBAND Why are we watching this? WIFE (a little guilty) No reason. just... I just want to see what happens. HUSBAND Nothing's gonna happen. He's just... working. WIFE Oh, come on, they wouldn't put it on if nothing was gonna happen. He changes the channel. She changes it back. He doesn't get it at all. RAPID CUTS of VARIOUS PEOPLE around America, watching -- A couple, a young guy, a woman alone -- ending with a few college-age girls in what appears to be a dorm room. ONE GIRL is watching intently. Her roommates are mostly just hanging around not really watching. COLLEGE GIRL I think he's cute. one of her roommates glances over to see what she's so excited about. 41 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Ed is walking. He passes the little pizza place he touted earlier. There's a LINE out into the street. The STOREOWNER is working hard - - deliriously happy. Ed passes, oblivious to what he's created. 42 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The Camera Operator is shooting Ed in the bathroom CLIPPING his TOENAILS ED Some guys work from the big toe down to the little toe. Not me. I save the big one for last. That's the one I really enjoy. It's thick, it's big, it's a challenge. Did you ever see old people's nails? (makes a disgusted noise) 43 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray and Shari watching Ed. Ray is BANGING HIS HEAD on the table. RAY This is not working. (to Ed on TV) Come to me! 44 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - NIGHT It's late. She's alone. She's ON the PHONE. She's coming apart. CYNTHIA (into phone) No, I haven't seen the spot ratings... (she winces) As she talks, she tries to LIGHT a CIGARETTE. She's shaking too much to use her lighter. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) (into phone) I think that's a number from which we can hopefully, uh... build... ANGRY at her lighter, she throws it breaking a window. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) I disagree... No, I am not ready to pull the plug... Yes, Mr. Scharlach, I know they shoot horses... (getting angry) Look, it's been one day. Can I have a week with this and then have you fly up my nose?! (hangs up) She immediately regrets her outburst. 45 INT. BAR - NIGHT Written on the screen -- "Day Two." OPEN ON TURTLES racing (as only turtles can) across the floor. The turtles have little plastic men, seated on their backs. The CROWD CHEERS and SCREAMS for their favorite turtles. Ed is being followed by the steady-cams but seems to be ignoring it. Ed is in a group which includes John, and Ray. The race ends John looks very uncomfortable. BARTENDER The winner... Dashing Danny. Ed wins. MONEY changes hands. ED Next round's on me. One of the cameras is very close to John. He's very SELFCONSCIOUS. He doesn't look where he's walking. He trips. PEOPLE LAUGH. ED (off-hand joke) Polish acrobat. RAY (loudly) Hey. Check this out. (to the cameramen) Look at this. Ray TAKES OUT a big stack of QUARTERS and sets them on the bar next to a SHOT GLASS 46 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Go with the desperate brother. 47 INT. BAR The cameras go with Ray. Ray does a "spit the quarters off the bar into the shot glass" trick, while PEOPLE CHEER. Ed is standing next to Shari. They're OFF-CAMERA. ED Whoa, God bless Ray. First time I'm off-camera in two days. This is hard, you know? I'm, like, exhausted. ANGLE ON RAY He's BALANCING a BAR STOOL on his forehead. ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI SHARI (calmly) He did that at my parents' house. ANGLE ON RAY As Ray drones on... RAY (selling hard to the camera) Okay, I just wanted to get your attention. My name is Ray and my friend Bucky and I design video systems. You've got an office or a big home, we'11 come out there design you an entire system. ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI ED See, they should've picked him. Look how comfortable he is out there. ANGLE ON RAY SHARI He is so wound up. He bought all new clothes for this. He flips the BAR STOOL and catches it. He accepts the plaudits of the crowd. He returns to Ed and Shari. So do the cameras. Ray is fired-up. RAY Whew! 1 am kicking hairy ass! Ray is still full of energy. RAY (CONT'D) Hey, Ed. Did you hear about Marcia? ED (worried) No. What happened? RAY (to the camera) That's our sister. (to Ed) She's got a new boyfriend. AL AND JEANETTE Watching TV. JEANETTE Who? BACK TO BAR RAY He's living with her! ED (camera-conscious) Ray, maybe this isn't ... RAY No, this is great. (to the camera) You'll love this. (to Ed) He's a singer. ED Marcia's living with a singer? CUT TO: RAY Yeah. You know, piano bars. plays the piano and sings. That's how they met. SHARI He sang to her and they fell in love? RAY (enjoying this) No! Some drunk hit him over the head with his snifter -- you know, that thing they keep on the piano for tips -- and Marcia yanked a big hunk of glass out of his head. (cracks up, pounds the table) 48 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT Marcia is staring at the TV in UNHAPPY SHOCK. Next to her is a good- looking, but slightly sleazy-looking GUY with a bandage on his head. 49 INT. BAR RAY I mean my question is what was she doing in a bar in the first place? ED Ray -- RAY She's an alcoholic, for Christ's sake. ED Oh, Jesus. Marcia, watching, HORRIFIED. BACK TO BAR RAY Remember the last guy she got involved with? What was his name? ED What's the dif -- RAY Richie! (to Shari) She spent six months dating a criminal ED (to Shari) She didn't know he was a criminal. They had a relationship. They -- RAY "Quick pull off the highway" is not a relationship. Oh man, I gotta pee. He KISSES Shari. She COVERS her FACE with her hand. RAY (CONT'D) What are you, hiding from the Police? (pulls her hands down) Show your face, you look great. (to Ed) Doesn't she look great. ED Great. RAY (to Ed) While I'm gone, tell them about our cousin Lenny who's gay. We knew from when he was five. He minces off' effeminately, to the bathroom, LAUGHING. It's like a hurricane has just passed through. Everyone is sitting, STUNNED. ED You do though, you look great. SHARI Right. ED No, no, I -- as soon as you came in tonight I said to John, "Boy Shari looks beautiful." I said it on TV so you can ask anybody who saw it. She LAUGHS. They smile at each other. They make intermittent eye-contact a little self-consciously. Ed finally looks somewhere else and Shari, for just a moment, stares right at him. PULL BACK to TWO GUYS, watching this on TV in a bar -- more of a neighborhood bar. 50 INT. BAR - NIGHT TAD Did you see that? BARRY What? TAD Her. That look. She likes the Ed guy better than she likes the brother. BARRY You're nuts. TAD Okay, I'm nuts. CUTS OF OTHER VIEWERS, WATCHING REAL TV A BEDROOM The COUPLE we met earlier are in bed, the wife is holding the remote. HUSBAND Give me the remote. WIFE Just a few more minutes. Read your book. A LIVING ROOM A GAY COUPLE FIRST GUY What do you like about it? I don't understand. SECOND GUY I don't know -- it just it's I don't know. Just let me watch. 51 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - MORNING "DAY THREE" The ALARM goes off. Ed starts to scratch his balls, but stops halfway down. He WINKS at the camera and starts his day. 52 EXT. EWS BUILDING Ed comes outside and he's accosted by a GROUP of angry Polish Americans, many of whom are carrying signs decrying Polish jokes and anti-Polish attitudes. They SCREAM ANGRILY when they see Ed. Ed is completely shocked. He runs back inside. He locks the door, leaving Carlos outside. The demonstrators attack Carlos. 53 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed is at his kitchen table with several burly DEMONSTRATORS arrayed behind him. Ed is NERVOUSLY, READING from a sheet of paper while Carlos shoots. ED ... my "Polish acrobat" remark was ill-considered. Although, I meant no harm, I should have recognized that such (trouble with the next word) stigmatizing remarks bring pain and anguish to... He's having trouble reading the next word. ED (CONT'D) I can't read my own writing. It's like Chinese -- (quickly backtracking) It's not like Chinese! Chinese is, I'm sure, a beautiful language and they write ... beautifully. It's not Chinese. He wipes sweat away. ED (CONT'D) Jesus, I'm sweating like a Mexican fruit-picker. (realizes) Oh, Christ! QUICK CUTS of Ed, getting his laundry, doing some shopping, getting his oil changed, all being shot by a CAMERA PERSON. 54 INT. DENTAL OFFICE A YOUNG DENTAL HYGIENIST is cleaning Ed's teeth. The camera is practically right in his mouth. It's making the Hygienist NERVOUS. She's distracted. She hurts Ed. He SCREAMS. She SCREAMS. She drops her tools. HYGIENIST (near hysterics) Can I have some room please?! ED (talking with the suction in his mouth) Gi hu roo. 55 INT. TV STUDIO It's an educational-type panel discussion involving various eggheads and pundits. It's called "Viewpoint." MODERATOR Let's change topics for a moment. Does anybody have a viewpoint on something going on now called "Ed TV". PANEL MEMBER #1 This, I believe, is a new low point in American culture. PANEL MEMBER #2 I agree. What it reveals is the absolute creative bankruptcy in the television business. What they're saying, basically, is "We're giving up. We have no ideas." PANEL MEMBER #3 It's worse than that! They don't select someone with any talent, or with something to say -- they seem to celebrate the fact that this guy is a boob. It's a joyous celebration of boobery. PANEL MEMBER #4 I think we've already spent far too much time discussing this. They all agree. 56 INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT OPEN ON Ray with chopsticks up his nose, imitating a walrus. Also, he has lo mein noodles protruding from between his lips. Ed is forcing a smile. Ray is wearing a tee-shirt that says "Ray and Bucky- Video Kings" with a phone number. 57 INT. REAL TV OFFICE Cynthia is alone working late. She's drinking. She's watching Ray. She's not enjoying him. ED (V.O.) Ray, don't throw the shrimp, you're gonna choke again. CYNTHIA Choke to death, you boring bastard. 58 INT. EWS BEDROOM - NIGHT Ed is sitting up in bed, wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, eating directly out of a cereal box. TERRY The audience likes you when you're moving. ALICE Yes. Try not to stay in one place too long. Get outside as much as you can. KEITH Also, we have some notions. Have you thought about becoming a Big Brother? GREG Or coaching a Little League team? FELICIA How about a date? ED Are you asking me? FELICIA No, I mean... KEITH It's just, the ratings are still soft. LONG PAUSE ED (nervously) Are you going to cancel me? CYNTHIA Let's not worry about that vet. ALICE You're testing well. FELICIA There's another problem. GREG It's ... Ray. ED What about Ray? GREG Well, the walrus impression - delightful as it was -- is just not wowing the audience. This is some audience research. He hands Ed a PRINTOUT. Ed doesn't know how to interpret the figures. ED What does this mean? FELICIA It means they hate his freaking guts. It means if he were on fire they wouldn't put him out. ED He's just ... trying a little too hard -- CYNTHIA Ed, the audience can smell the desperation coming through the screen. TERRY Could you... see him a little less often? ED How much less? FELICIA Never would be plenty. ED I can't do that to him. He's pushing a little too hard - but... I just can't do that to him. SILENCE ED (CONT'D) He'11 be fine. 59 INT. CAR - DAY "DAY FIVE" Ed is driving slowly on a busy street. Suddenly an EIGHTEEN YEAR-OLD BOY lands heavily on Ed's windshield. Ed is badly startled. He can't see. He swerves and stops. The boy is not hurt. He's banging on the windshield, waving at the camera. Ed, furious, gets out. 60 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ED What the --?! BOY I'm on TV! I'm on TV! Ed just stares in disbelief. 61 EXT. STREET - LATER Ed is walking. PEOPLE YELL at him. GUY Ed! Your show stinks! The Guy LAUGHS like he really got in a good one. Ed ignores him. TWO TEENAGERS run in, one has a camera and quickly snaps a picture of Ed and the other Guy. Merrily, they shake his hand and run off, whooping. There are PEOPLE who trail along. Many of them will show up again and again, throughout the movie, following Ed. Some of them will look mentally or emotionally impaired. 62 INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT QUICK SHOTS of Ed with CUSTOMERS - One or two show a bit of camera-consciousness. A little group has gathered to observe Ed's "show". 63 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY- NIGHT Ed rings the bell. ED (to the camera) This is Ray's apartment. Ray's got a big-screen TV and the Knicks are playing in L.A. tonight, so sometimes I come over after I work late and we watch the game here. He makes funny comments. He's really a good guy. He just... RAY (O.C.) Who is it? ED It's me, Ed. The door opens a crack, revealing Ray in a bathrobe. Ray's look is unwelcoming. RAY Hi. ED You watching the ballgame? RAY Uh, no, uh I'm a little tired. I fell asleep. ED Oh. All right. I'11 watch at home, then. RAY Yeah... WOMAN (O.C.) Ray, where do you keep the glasses? ED Oh, is Shari here? Why didn't you just say so? Why are you giving me a song-and-dance about being tired? ED (CONT'D) (calls out) Hi, Shari. WOMAN (O.C.) Who's Shari? ED Who's -- Ray looks pained. Ed realizes what's happening and freezes Ray's phone RINGS. RAY Oh shit... He turns to answer his phone, allowing the door to swing open a little. Ed can see into the kitchen. He sees a WOMAN, wearing just panties, facing away from him, searching for glasses. RAY (into phone) Hello... Shari, hi... Oh no! ... Oh God! ED (to the camera) We'd better go... RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS loving this, some screaming "Don't go!, don't leave, stay" etc. BACK TO SCENE RAY (into phone) No, honey, it's not what it looks like-- She hangs up on him. He holds his head. RAY Oh God ... Ed! 64 INT. HALLWAY Ed is TIP-TOEING away. He stops when Ray calls him. Ray 'runs out into the hallway after him. They speak with lowered voices. RAY That was Shari. She saw the whole thing on TV-- ED What is this? What's going on, who is that? RAY (embarrassed) It's the receptionist at one of the places I service video equipment -- she's very pretty and, you know, she never even talks to me and then today I come in and she's all "I saw you on TV the other night... You were so great ... " Next thing I know we're ... ED Next thing you know! Why didn't you stop? RAY Stop? I'm a guy. I don't stop. The woman's supposed to stop. We're the gas, they're the brakes. WOMAN (O.C.) (calls out) Ray, I finished the Snapple. RAY Fine! WOMAN (O.C.) Is there more? RAY In the cabinet, but it's warm. There's ice in the tray. I (to Ed) Talk to her. ED I don't even know her. All I know is she likes Snapple. RAY No, not her. Shari. Go over there and talk to her 65 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM CYNTHIA Yes! Go! She THROWS SOMETHING at the screen. She PICKS UP the PHONE. 66 INT. HALLWAY ED Why me? RAY You brought the cameras here! ED You brought the girl! RAY Please! ED If I go over to Shari, the camera's going there, too. The Camera Operators are vigorously nodding and mouthing "Yes, Go." Ray is oblivious to this, but Ed picks it up. RAY That's good. She'11 -- you know control herself. Look. If I go over there, she's just gonna slam the door on me. Just go over and beg her to talk to me, that's all. Please. You owe me for this! Ed accepts the irony of Ray's attitude without comment 67 INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY- NIGHT The door opens, revealing RITA, Shari's roommate. RITA (nervously) Um... Shari knew you were coming over because she saw ... ED Right, yeah -- RITA (apologetic) She really doesn't want you and the camera in here right now. ED No, I understand. That's - where is she, is she all right? Rita isn't sure how much she should reveal. RITA I ... gave her a drink. I thought it ... but she's not much of a drinker, so it's made her a little... belligerent. Shari appears in the doorway over Rita's shoulder. she's holding a liquor bottle and she's a little drunk. SHARI What do you want?! ED (awkward) Shari, I'm just really sorry. Look, I know this is... unbelievably awkward, but if I could come in for like a second and -- you know -- just say... two words, then... Shari indicates with her head, that Ed can come in. Ed and Carlos enter. Rita shuts the door. Shari crosses to a couch. Ed indicates for Carlos to give them some distance. 68 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Don't lose them, Carlos. This is gold. Stay out of their way, but get everything. 69 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Carlos settles across the room. He rests the camera down as if he's not even shooting, but he's still guiding it where he wants it throughout the scene. RITA I'm gonna go to bed. (to Shari) You okay? Shari shrugs. RITA (CONT'D) Good night. She gives the camera a quick glance. RITA (CONT'D) (quickly, with a small wave) Hi, Mom. (she exits) ED Shari, Ray feels -- SHARI (starting to cry) Don't defend that horse's ass to me. ED I'm not. I'm not. I'm just Look -- you know, in a way, it's good. He got this out of his system now and he knows it's not worth it and, you know, someday if you guys got married or something -- SHARI Ha! ED Okay ... SHARI (poking Ed as she talks) I've got news for you-- I never intended to marry him. ED Oh... how come? 70 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray, watching on TV. 71 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT SHARI Well, for one thing, he's a bad lay. 72 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT His eyes bulge out and he begins to gasp. RAPID SHOTS of viewers reacting-- "Whoa!" laughs, etc. The college girls applauding. one of them SCREAMS "Tell it!" 73 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Ed realizes that Ray's been called a "bad lay" on television. ED Oh my God. SHARI (directly into the camera) I mean bad. ED Look, not having been there... I just think you're hurt and you're saying this to, you know, get back at him. She starts to cry. ED (CONT'D) Look... whether you get back together or not, you're too terrific a person to... lower yourself like this. 74 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray, still in shock. 75 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT ED (CONT'D) I mean, I told Ray -- a couple of times -- that I thought you were one of the best and ... smartest and... most attractive women I've ever seen so... In comforting her, he's gotten his face very close to hers. 76 INT. DORMITORY Same dorm girls as before. DORM GIRL Kiss him! Kiss him! BACK TO SCENE SHARI Really? ED Yeah. She tilts her head forward a little, hesitates, then kisses him, at first warmly, then passionately. 77 INT. DORM ROOM The girls are going wild-- SCREECHING. 78 INT. TAD'S HOUSE TAD I'm nuts, hah?! I knew it! I said! He dials the phone. 79 INT. JOHN'S HOUSE John is stunned. JOHN Oh, Jesus! 80 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT He stares, amazed. The WOMAN he was found with appears behind him. WOMAN I found the Snapple. 81 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM She sees the kiss. CYNTHIA Yes! Yes! I win! Scharlach, you schmuck! I am the golden goddess of television! She begins beating her chest, one fist at a time while she SCREAMS in triumph. 82 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Shari and Ed have stopped kissing. They both look stunned. Shari is suddenly sober. SHARI Oh my God. She looks at Carlos who has now moved closer to them SHARI (CONT'D) Oh my God. ED It's... okay SHARI I kissed my boyfriend's brother on television! ED Well, when you put it that way. SHARI Leave. Go. ED Can't we just -- SHARI Go! ED (exiting) All right. Okay. I'11 ... see you. He and Carlos exit. Going through the door, he gives Carlos a little push then quickly steps back inside, slams the door and locks it. 83 INT. CONTROL TRUCK CARLOS (V.O.) I'm locked out. DIRECTOR Stay calm. Shoot the door. We're running sound. And we've got a camera in the street. 84 EXT. BUILDING A CAMERA is shooting at a second-story window. We SEE SILHOUETTES. 85 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Ed is at the door. Shari is across the room. They stare at each other silently. Then they run to each other. They kiss again. 86 EXT. BUILDING We can SEE them KISSING... 87 INT. APARTMENT Ed and Shari are all over each other. They're breathless. SHARI What are we doing? ED I've got to tell you something. I have had a big thing for you for months. INTERCUT WITH SHOTS OF VIEWERS They're seeing the door or the silhouette shot, but they're hearing every word. They're mesmerized. SHARI Really? ED Yeah. I mean for months I've been seeing you with Ray you being his girlfriend and I kept wishing you were my girlfriend... But, you know, what could I do? SHARI Me too. I mean I'm going out with Ray and I'm... thinking about you. ED Really? SHARI Oh God, this is so weird. ED Weird? If this happened last month it would've been weird. Now with... the TV and... now it's just too weird. They look at each other. They don't know what to do. ED (CONT'D) I'd better go. She nods. He walks to the door. ED (CONT'D) Once more? She nods. They run back to each other and kiss. 88 EXT. BUILDING The silhouettes are kissing. 89 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray staring at the TV. 90 EXT. PRIVATE HOME - LATER "DAY SIX" This is a fairly old, modest private home. Ed pulls up. He and Carlos get out of the car. Ed hurries up to the front door and enters. 91 INT. HOME - CONTINUOUS Ed enters. He's a little AGITATED ANGLE ON AL ED Hi, Al. Al is in his wheelchair and taking periodic hits off an oxygen mask connected to a tank. Al's watching himself on TV. AL (excited) Look. It's me. He WAVES. ED Yeah. I brought you some movies. AL Anything good? They LAUGH. ED No, I intentionally picked out a lot of crap 'cause I don't like you. ED (CONT'D) Is Mom here? I gotta talk to her. AL She's in the kitchen. I'd yell for her, but I'd die. (sucks more oxygen) You had a busy night last night. ED (calls) Yeah. Ma... JEANETTE (O.C.) Eddie? ... ED Yeah? JEANETTE (O.C.) Are the TV people with you? ED Yeah. The camera guy is here. JEANETTE (O.C.) Send him away. ED Send him? Ma, I can't. it's -- just come out here. Please, I -- JEANETTE (O.C.) No. ED Do you want us to come in the kitchen? JEANETTE (O.C.) No. It's a mess. ED Look, Ma, come on out. Really. I need to talk to you. After a pause, Jeanette enters, very camera-conscious. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) This is my mother. STIFFLY, he gives her a kiss. ED (CONT'D) Ma, do you know where Ray is? I've been calling him and I'm getting his machine and -- JEANETTE Eddie, how could you do it? Your brother's girlfriend. ED Hey, he cheated on her. JEANETTE He made a mistake. ED I don't want to -- do you know where he is? JEANETTE No. Maybe he's watching. (indicates the camera) Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you'11 stay away from that girl. ED No! And that girl has a name. AL What do you love her or something? ED (embarrassed) Come on... AL (teasing) Look at your face. I had a car that color. VARIOUS REACTIONS OF VIEWERS really liking this. BACK TO SCENE JEANETTE I know you. This Shari is a passing fancy. ED No! I -- All right, look, if you hear from Ray.... tell him to call me, okay? He KISSES her again. ED (CONT'D) How's Marcia? She all right? JEANETTE I don't know. She's living with that "entertainer"... ED (trying to make his mother feel better) Well, who knows? Maybe she finally picked a winner this time. JEANETTE (unconvinced) Mm. ED You and Al lived together a few months before you got married -- after Dad left. JEANETTE (looks at the TV) Oh my God! ED I mean, that worked out. JEANETTE Oh my God!! She gets in the closet and closes the door. 92 INT. OFFICE ED (to the camera) I think we're through here. The Real TV group is there. They're smiling. Cynthia is ON the PHONE CYNTHIA (into phone) I will. I'11 tell them. (hangs up) That was Scharlach. All of you, scrub your asses. He's coming over to kiss them. They all WHOOP and LAUGH. 93 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - DAY Shari and Rita are watching Ed leave his parents house on TV. Rita is very excited. Shari is ON the PHONE. SHARI (into phone) Um, I'd like to get a new phone number, please... Because I'm getting calls from every nut case in America... Right, unlisted... Sure. (she holds) RITA Aren't you excited? He said he loved you on television! SHARI He didn't say it. His stepfather said it. RITA (joking) Well, the stepfather's cute... Seriously, how do you feel about Ed? Pause. SHARI I think he's great. He just makes me feel... oh, I'm really gonna get hurt, this time - Hello ... CUTS OF VARIOUS VIEWERS WATCHING REAL TV End on TAD and BARRY in a health club. This is the refreshment area. They've played racquetball and they're sweaty. They're watching Real TV. TAD I'11 tell you something else. The old guy in the wheelchair? The stepfather? They're gonna have him die. BARRY What do you mean "they're gonna have him die?" TAD You know, for a tearjerker. The audience falls in love with this loveable old geezer in a wheelchair and then he dies, it's ... They know what they're doing. BARRY This is real, Bananahead! TAD So? BARRY So if it's a show and they have a guy die that's writing, but if it's real and they have a guy die that's murder. 94 EXT. VIDEO STORE - DAY Ed arrives for work. People CALL OUT to him-- PEDESTRIANS, PEOPLE FROM CARS, TRUCK DRIVERS. "Hey Ed, my man." Ed waves. People shake his hand. A teenage boy looks into the camera, making a funny face. Someone else looks into the camera and says, "Hi, Ma." Suddenly, Ray is there with a WOMAN. Ray is not happy. He's wearing DARK GLASSES and a HAT. RAY Hi. Ed stops. ED ... Ray? RAY Yeah. ED Oh, man, I've been trying to call you. RAY I know. ED Look, we gotta talk. RAY Save it. A GUY in a car appears and points at Ray. GUY Hey, you're that French guy on TV. RAY French guy? GUY Monsieur Bad-a-lay. The guy drives away. Ray is steaming. RAY Let me just do what I came here to do. Ed thinks he means to fight. Ed tries to calm him. ED What are we gonna fight? Ray, please, listen to me -- RAY (beckoning) Cassie... CASSIE, a woman about Ray's age, steps forward. She's slightly self-conscious. RAY (CONT'D) Go ahead. Ray points Cassie to the camera. CASSIE This is really hard. RAY You promised me. CASSIE (to the camera) I went out with Ray a few years ago for... a couple of months. And we... were intimate. And. he's really not as bad as that girl said he was. Ray nods. CASSIE (CONT'D) I mean, I've definitely had worse. RAY That's enough. Ed is amazed that Ray would do this. RAY (CONT'D) (to Ed) Good-bye, brother! ED Ray, come an-- Ray leaves, still angry. Cassie lingers. CASSIE (flirting slightly) So you're Ed. Ray returns and yanks Cassie away with him. Ed still hasn't recovered from the bizarreness he just witnessed. Two girls YELL in unison from across the street. GIRLS Ed... we love you! 95 INT. REAL TV OFFICE - NIGHT Cynthia and her staff, around a conference call box. CYNTHIA We're not going to be able to come over there for anymore midnight meetings. People are starting to watch your building. The interest level in you is soaring. INTERCUT WITH: 95A INT. ED'S BEDROOM. Ed's OFF-CAMERA ED Soaring is good, right? I mean, that means you're not gonna cancel me, right? KEITH (sotto) Man, he wants that balloon payment. ED (V.O.) Huh? TERRY Ed, why didn't you go over to see Shari today? That's what all our viewers were hoping you'd do. ED Isn't she great? I mean, maybe just to me, but... I don't know, she's just -- TERRY (impatiently) She's great, she's great. Why didn't you go see her? ED I wanted to! I was dying to! But... GREG Is it Ray? (pulls out research) The audience hates Ray. Females, 18 to 35 -- ED No, I don't need to hear that. Cynthia? CYNTHIA Yes, Ed. ED Could we just talk alone for a second? I -- CYNTHIA Good idea. (to her staff) Could you all leave us alone for a few minutes? She PANTOMIMES for them to stay in the room, but be quiet. The staff scrape chair legs and feign movement and ad lib "Bye Ed", "See you, buddy" etc. They all stay. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) How you doing, Ed? ED I feel like when I was a kid and my mother sent me to school in orange corduroy pants. CYNTHIA (no clue) Uh-huh? ED And all the kids stared calling me "Pumpkin Ass." "Hey Pumpkin Ass," -- for like a year. So, now, I feel like everyone's watching me and, you know, I'm "Pumpkin Ass" again. The staff are stifling giggles. CYNTHIA Can I tell you something? I think you are fantastic. I think you have taken an idea and turned it into something explosive. The staff stifle laughter. One of the guys is doing a jerk-off gesture. Cynthia gives them the finger. ED Yeah? CYNTHIA Can I give you one bit of advice? About Shari? ED Sure. CYNTHIA A woman wants to be pursued. 96 EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY Shari, in her Fed-ex uniform is making a delivery. A WOMAN's signing for it. WOMAN This is so exciting! A real celebrity delivering my figs. SHARI (uncomfortable) Sign here, please. WOMAN That Ray was a pig. Ed is doll. You latch on to him honey. SHARI By the X. WOMAN Some more make-up wouldn't do you any harm. On TV you look a little washed out. SHARI What would I actually have to do to get you to sign this? WOMAN (insulted) Oh, an TV a minute and already an attitude. SHARI (annoyed) By the X. That's were two lines cross -- forming an X. ANGRILY, the Woman signs and slams the door. She heads back to her truck. She looks up and Ed is there with flowers. The TV cameras are there also. Shari is startled. But she's also glad to see him. SHARI What are you doing? ED I missed you. She's camera-shy. ED (CONT'D) You know, I never saw you in your uniform before. SHARI Yeah, well... They both LAUGH. ED It's really a tremendous turnoff. SHARI You should see the one we wear when it rains. ED Sunday night at the Devils game, I'm driving the Zamboni. SHARI The what? ED You know, the big machine that cleans the ice. SHARI Oh yeah. ED It's quite an honor. Will you come with me? She looks at the camera. ED (CONT'D) (gently) Look, I know this is weird. But... I don't want to wait. I really think we might have something together. Don't you? EMBARRASSED, she nods. ED (CONT'D) Come on. Be my zamboni date. She doesn't say "no." They KISS -- a little hesitantly, not passionately, but affectionately. She's still self-conscious, but she's going with the flow. 97 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE They're watching. They CHEER and high-five each other. 98 INT. SHORT MONTAGE Ed and Shari dating. She's shy, but she really likes Ed. He likes her and is very sweet to her. 1) Ed and Shari some place like "Tavern on the Green." She looks pretty. He's very happy. 2) They come out of a club. TOURISTS photograph them. Shari is a little disconcerted. Ed takes out a little camera of his own and photographs the tourists. This makes Shari laugh and relaxes her. 3) HOCKEY ARENA CLOSE-UP of Ed, driving the Zamboni. He's loving it. He WAVES to Shari. SHARI IN THE STANDS, watching. She waves and smiles. The ice, a WIDER SHOT. The Zamboni is, basically out of control. Carlos is sliding along the ice, shooting Ed as the Zamboni zig-zags dangerously, eventually crashing into the boards, shattering the Plexiglas. 99 INT. LOCAL ROCK CLUB - NIGHT It's very CROWDED. Claustrophobic. Loud. Ed and Shari enter just to see the show. They're spotted. The Crowd, which is already fired up by the music, sees them. It starts out okay, people crowding around, patting Ed on the back. A CHANT begins "Ed, Ed, Ed..." Pretty soon it drowns out the music. More people press towards Ed. It's too crowded -- dangerous. Shari is swept away from Ed. She's buffeted about, violently. She goes down. Ed can't move. The Crowd is friendly and happy, but the effect is scary. 100 EXT. ROCK CLUB - A FEW MINUTES LATER BOUNCERS squeeze Ed and Shari out the door, protecting them. Ed is unnerved. Shari is somewhat bedraggled. Her clothing is torn. 101 INT. ED'S KITCHEN - DAY Ed is ON the PHONE. INTERCUT WITH: CYNTHIA'S OFFICE Yeah?! ED They tore her dress! ... CYNTHIA We're going to get you a bodyguard, don't worry. Ed, I have some news for you. We're picking up Ed TV for another month! ED (excited) Yeah?! CYNTHIA That means a balloon payment and a big raise for the second month. ED Stand back -- I'm about to do my Happy Dance. He does. 102 INT. RESTAURANT Ed and Shari are EATING. So is a HUGE MAN sitting between them. His name is MOE. 103 INT. ROLLER RINK Ed and Shari are SKATING. Up ahead of them, Moe, (on skates) is plowing into people, knocking them over. 104 INT. PIZZA JOINT - NIGHT Ed and Shari get up to leave. They look at each other, very affectionately. They want to kiss. The cameras are close. Ed is wearing a jacket. He spreads it out wide to block Shari's face from the cameras. He leans in and they KISS on the lips, several times, while Ed's jacket screens off the cameras. They're in love. 105 INT. TV NEWS SHOW- THREE WEEKS LATER Written on the screen -- "Day 26." It's the same news team we met earlier. ANCHOR Well, welve had pet rocks, hula hoops, Davy Crockett, Beatle wigs, and leisure suits. But America's latest craze is a guy named Ed. Here with that story is entertainment reporter, Rick Douglas. ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Pat, four weeks ago, no one in America had even heard of Ed Pekurny. Today, this thirty-one year-old video store clerk has become something of a national obsession. The words viewers use to describe him are "charming," "natural," and "appealing." And ratings indicate that "Ed TV" is being watched by more people, each day, than any show in the history of cable television. CUT TO: A SHOT of Scharlach being interviewed. A CAPTION identifies him. SCHARLACH This idea just came to me. I told my staff -- if people just tune in twice a day for five minutes we're a hit. Sometimes you gotta go with your gut feeling. CUT TO: 106 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE She's watching. She's ANGRY. CYNTHIA Sure it came to you! Because I brought it to you! (raises her fist) You want a gut feeling?! How about a groin feeling?! (raises her foot) BACK TO NEWS REPORT ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Ed TV has become so popular that when Ed goes to sleep Real TV is running highlights of Ed's day all night. Some viewers have become obsessed with Ed. They wake up when Ed wakes up, they go to sleep when Ed goes to sleep, and in between they try to watch as much of him as possible. A SERIES OF MAN-IN-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS. WOMAN #1 (casually) Yeah, I watch it... More than I'd like to admit sometimes. MAN (about fifty) Never... no... YOUNGER MAN Honestly? ... I try not to go to the bathroom until Ed goes to the bathroom so I won't miss anything. A GUY in an ice cream store. ICE CREAM GUY Watch this! Like Ed. He slices a banana the way Ed does. WOMAN #2 I just kind of leave it an, you know, so it's... there. THREE TEEN-AGE GIRLS TEEN-AGER #l I don't like Shari. She's ... needy. TEEN-AGER #2 I like her. She's sweet. TEEN-AGER #1 She just rubs me the wrong way. TEEN-AGER #3 I'm so glad they got rid of Ray. He was creepy. CUT TO: YOUNG GUYS GUY #1 To me, this Shari is like nothing. GUY #2 She's not even hot. I mean Ed's a celebrity. If that was me, I'd be dating the goods. GUY #1 There's something wrong with her. She's definitely not hot. GUY #2 Not hot. Not. 107 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT She's watching this, wearing a bathrobe. Her self-esteem is being crushed. 108 INT. TV STUDIO This is an "E TV" kind of gossip show. The host -- a YOUNG WOMAN -- is showing film of Ed and Shari getting out of Ed's car. The film freeze-frames. Shari has an unflattering look on her face. GOSSIP QUEEN What's wrong with her! Everytime you look at this chick, it's like she badly needs a Tampax. Ed, you can do better. Shari watching, in horror. 109 INT. DELICATESSAN - NIGHT Ed and Shari are on a date. A WAITRESS is taking their order. Shari still seems a little self-conscious, but Ed is having a ball. ED I'11 have... (to Shari) Get this -- (to the waitress) I'11 have the "Ed." SHARI I'm stunned. A WOMAN with her young SON approach. WOMAN Mr. Pekurny. I'm sorry to bother you. My son would just love to have your autograph. ED No problema. (to the boy) You want a picture? The boy nods. ED (CONT'D) Moe. MOE, the Bodyguard, in the next booth hands Ed a glossy of Ed and a pen. Ed signs it. ED (CONT'D) Take this around the corner to Frame World, they'll give you a discount. The Woman and Child leave. ED (CONT'D) (to Shari) Oh -- Sunday is good for me to meet your folks. We get a big family audience on Sundays so it works out. SHARI (ironic) That's lucky. ED Saturday, I think we should A PHONE RINGS Ed takes a phone out of his pocket. ED (CONT'D) (plugging) Compliments of Motorola. Hello... Marcia?? (to Shari) My sister. -- What? ... What, right now? ... I'm eating, I'm on a date! ... Well, where's your boyfriend -- what's his name? Cliff .... Then, call a cab... (wearily) All right. Look, just don't start any trouble okay. Just sit there quietly 'til I get there... you're welcome. He HANGS UP. He's disgusted. 110 INT. CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER ED This used to be a regular thing. And the worst part, is while she'd be waiting for me to come down to some bar and get her, she'd start up with some guy and say "Wait 'til my brother gets here, he'11 kick your ass." So then I walk in and there's some rhinoceros in a windbreaker who tries to shove me into a shot glass. And Marcia's drunk and screaming "Kick his ass, Ed. Kick his ass." (looks out) I think this is it. 111 INT. BAR It's not a seedy dive. Ed and Shari and the camera operators enter. A CUSTOMER approaches. CUSTOMER Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You're the guy on TV. ED What was the tip-off? The enormous camera? CUSTOMER Watch this. The guy does Ed's "Happy Dance." CUSTOMER (CONT'D) See, like you. ED Yeah. Keep up the good work. Ed brushes by him. He sees a WOMAN passed out at a table. ED (CONT'D) Oh great. He prepares to lift her. MARCIA (O.C.) Ed. He turns and sees Marcia standing there. MARCIA (CONT'D) What are you doing? ED Hm? I'm, uh... Why isn't this drunken woman you? He lets go of the woman. Her head bounces on the table. ED (CONT' D) What's going on? Why did you want me to come down here? Marcia guides them into chairs. MARCIA Cliff is here. He's performing. I wanted you to see him. For a second, Ed doesn't get it. Then. ED Oh! Oh -- okay, now I get it. It's "Star Search." You wanted me here because the camera comes with me. MARCIA Ed, he needs a break. You don't know what kind of bad luck he's had -- ED I can imagine. You said you wanted nothing to do with this. You swore to me. "Don't come near me. Don't bring this into my life..." MARCIA For God sakes, you said two words about some lousy pizza joint, the guy's a millionaire now. This could be my whole future we're talking about. (to Shari) Hi, I'm Ed's sister. SHARI (politely) I've heard so much about you. 112 INT. BAR - LATER Cliff is in the middle of his show. He's wearing a PORTABLE ORGAN. He's not great. He's a smalltime professional with a lot of pep. Marcia is beaming. Ed's cameras are shooting him. CUTS OF Cliff, singing every type of song, imaginable. This guy is desperately trying to cover all the bases -- i.e. Sinatra-type standards, something from "Lion King", "Do Ya' Think I'm Sexy," "Smokin' in the Boy's Room," "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees," the theme from "Hawaii Five-0," a rap number, and "Ave Maria." ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI ED (sotto) I wish my stepfather was here. SHARI Why? ED He could give me some oxygen. 113 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER Ed and Shari are KISSING. CUTAWAYS TO VIEWERS TAD AND BARRY BARRY Oh boy! Here we go! Ed is passionate. JEANETTE AND AL JEANETTE (cringing) Euuw... RAY Fuming. BACK TO ED AND SHARI SHARI Um... ED What? She indicates the camera. Ed tries to allay her fears. ED (CONT'D) I told you. If we... you know do it, they go away until ... we're done. SHARI I know, but even if they go away, everybody in America knows what we're doing because... they went away. ED So? What do they think -- we're not kids -- SHARI (overlapping) I know, I ... ED (overlapping) Shari, I really like you... SHARI (overlapping) I really like you too... ED ...if this ... (the camera) ... weren't here... ? SHARI ... yeah, then, but... CUTAWAYS ED So...? SHARI Ed... I think we should stop seeing each other. The guys who said she wasn't hot. They applaud. THE DORM GIRLS They're booing Shari. A BAR A very attractive woman (JILL) and her friend. JILL That girl's an idiot. BACK TO ED AND SHARI ED What?... Why? SHARI (starting to weep) I can't take it anymore... GUYS WHO DON'T THINK SHE'S HOT They mock her, crying "Boo hoo hoo" and pretending to rub their eyes. BACK TO ED AND SHARI SHARI (crying) I have no privacy. Even now! I'm crying and I can't stop and they won't go away. And now it's going to be another month! ED Shari... SHARI Everybody hates me! ED No. Who? SHARI Look at this. She picks up a N.Y. POST. SHARI (CONT'D) Page three of the Post. ED (knows what it is) Ohh... SHARI A poll. "Is Shari Good Enough for Ed?" Seventy-one per cent said "no." (crying) They hate me! ED Who cares? I don't ca -- No. I do care. (to the camera) Shame on everybody. Shame on you! Well, just the seventy-one percent. The other... (he can't do the math) SHARI Twenty-nine. ED Exactly. Boy, you're smart. (to the camera) Why are you so mean to her? What did she do to you? (picks up newspaper) "Is she good enough for Ed?" Who the hell am I? (sarcastically) Who the hell do you think I should be dating? SHARI There's a list. ED Really? (he looks) SHARI Ed? He doesn't hear her. He's scanning the list. ED Wow... 114 INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW (OR SOMETHING) Ed is a guest. DAVE I'm out here an hour a night and I feel like a dork. You're on every minute! Doesn't it just drive you nuts? ED (cheerfully) Yeah. LAUGHS. DAVE All this fame and the money you're making. Is this going to change you, do you think? ED God, I hope so. BIGGER LAUGHS. 115 INT. GREEN ROOM - LATER It's after the show. Ed is getting ready to leave. John is with him, keeping him company. A. P.A. is giving Ed a bag of gifts. (Of course, Ed is still on Ed TV.) PRODUCTION ASSISTANT You've got a ham in there and Dave's book and -- ED Hey, if it's free, it's me. (to John) You ready? JOHN Yeah. You did good. What's wrong? ED Aah, I wanted Shari to come. JOHN Oh -- so I'm just, what -- a poor substitute? He KISSES John. ED (easily) Yeah. (to the camera) Honey, if you're watching this is for you. JOHN No! Don't -- (new subject) Oh, wow. ED What? ANGLE ON JILL IN THE HALLWAY (We met her earlier in a cutaway.) She's saying good-bye to a CASTING ASSISTANT. JOHN No more calls, we have a winner. Jill looks up, sees Ed and walks right up to him JILL Hi. ED Hi. SECURITY steps forward. ED (CONT'D) It's all right. They step back. JILL I'm Jill. I really like your show. I think you're great. ED Thanks... That's ... Shari, watching this on television. JILL You must be John. JOHN I'm trying to remember. JILL (to Ed) Well, I don't want to bother you, I'm just -- I was here auditioning for a skit. You know, one of those things where Dave goes around town with models and whatever... ED Oh, yeah, I love those. Yeah... those are funny... JILL Well, it was really nice meeting you and, uh... (checks her watch) I'd better get a cab. But she doesn't leave. ED Um... They gave me a limo, uh... JILL Oh, great! Thanks. I'm just going uptown. She takes his arm and leads him out. 116 INT. HEALTH CLUB - NEXT DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 28" Two WOMEN on Stairmasters. WOMAN V11 bet he goes out with her. It's like those actors -- as soon as they get famous -- Pfft - there goes the wife. 117 EXT. COLLEGE The dorm girls. 118 INT. POKER GAME COLLEGE GIRL He'll never cheat on Shari! The game includes Tad and Barry. 119 INT. TV STUDIO BARRY You think she really likes him? TAD She doesn't give a shit about him. BARRY You know what would be great? TAD What? BARRY If Ray would steal this girl from Ed. That would be great. POKER PLAYER #2 You know what would be even better? BARRY What? POKER PLAYER #2 If you shut your hole and played cards. Goddam pineapple brothers. The same eggheads who, earlier, had no interest in Ed. Now they're all worked up. PANEL MEMBER #1 But he's not a normal person anymore. He's a celebrity. We're no longer observing anyone's "real life." PANEL MEMBER #2 (disagreeing) But that's what's interesting! The effect of celebrity on an otherwise average person. PANEL MEMBER #3 But do you really feel that Ed is an average person? I mean this guy seems to have a... magnetism, a charisma that, I think, transcends the entire concept. PANEL MEMBER #4 I agree. He's special. They all nod. 120 INT. EWS APARTMENT - DAY " DAY 34 " Ed is opening letters and packages. There are piles of them ED This is from a girl named Tawny... this goes in the nude picture pile. Thank you, Tawny. He places it in a large pile. He opens another envelope. ED (CONT'D) Let's see. Ed stares and his smile disappears. ANGLE ON THE MAIL A picture of Ed's face with his body drawn underneath it. The body is spurting blood and is mutilated. Ed stares at it. ED Well. This is creative. This goes in the psychopath pile. The DOORBELL RINGS. ED Oh, I hope that's not this guy. (indicates psycho letter) He PICKS UP a baseball bat and crosses to the door. He opens the door. A handsome man in his early sixties is there. His name is HANK. HANK Hello. ED Hi. Ed waits. HANK You don't recognize me. ED No. Am I supposed to? Hank shrugs. Ed stares at him, then begins to look a little shaken. 121 INT. EWS MOTHER'S HOUSE Jeanette is putting a jar in the refrigerator. She glances at the television. She drops the jar. It SHATTERS... 122 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT Marcia is with her half-Asian son ANDY. She's serving his dinner. OFF-CAMERA we HEAR Cliff SINGING and the DOG HOWLING in distress. Glancing at the television, Marcia gasps. 123 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray is TYPING on a word processor. He stares curiously at the television. 124 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed is staring at Hank doubtfully. HANK It's me, Hank -- your father. RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS, excited. Many of them reach for the phone. 125 INT. REAL TV OFFICE The Real TV staff react. Cynthia looks over-- stunned. ALICE (to Cynthia) Did you do this? Did you find him and get him to-- CYNTHIA No way... Oh, this just keeps getting better. 126 INT. AL AND JEANETTE'S HOUSE - DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 35" Ed and his mother are arguing. Al is sucking oxygen and has a pile of "People" magazines with Ed on the cover. A REPAIRMAN is fixing the refrigerator. All their food is out and melting. Jeanette is trying to preserve food in an ice chest while she argues with Ed. JEANETTE I can't believe you're taking his side. ED I'm not! I'm just trying to get some facts. AL (to Ed) Sign this one to Nancy. She's the nurse who handles my urine. Ed signs. JEANETTE I told you the facts! He abandoned us -- those are the facts. ED So everything he told me yesterday was a lie. Everything. Al takes a loud breath. JEANTETTE Yes! ... practically ED What do you mean practically? Did he really run away or did you throw him out like he says. REPAIRMAN I need to replace the coil. JEANETTE (to Ed) He ran away after I threw him out. (to repairman) How much is a new coil? REPAIRMAN A hundred and fifty bucks. ED So he was telling the truth you threw him out. REPAIRMAN Should I go ahead? JEANETTE Yes. ED Yes to me or yes to the coil? JEANETTE Both. ED Holy sh-- AL This one to Dr. Bamajian. Maybe he won't make me wait an hour. Ed signs. JEANETTE He had girlfriends! ED He says -- JEANETTE I don't care what he says. Look, I don't need to relive this. On television! AL Whatever happened to Norman Rockwell? ED Who? AL Norman Rockwell. He painted magazine covers. Folksy. A mailman, a boy scout, a kid visiting a doctor... ED Yeah, so... ? AL They celebrated the common person. ED Well, I don't think you can get more common than me, Al. AL No. Only celebrities now. Now, if you put a mailman on the cover of a magazine he'd better have killed someone or no one will buy it. This one to Dr. Rumpley. Jeanette storms back in. JEANETTE All right -- do you want to know the truth? I took you and Marcia and Ray to my sister's on the train for the weekend and you all got chicken pox. So I took you home a day early and there was your father with a woman in our bed. Okay? ED Chicken pox? I was six. He didn't leave 'til I was twelve. JEANETTE He... apologized, he begged me. He can be very... charming when it suits his purpose. ED But what was that whole story about him and a nurse? JEANETTE She could've been a nurse. ED Could've been a nurse? JEANETTE She had white shoes. ED So does Grandma. So does Shaquille O'Neal. You told me you had a hysterectomy and he ran off with your nurse. JEANETTE What's the difference? ED The difference is for twenty years I thought one thing and now it's another thing. Ed nods. JEANETTE He was no good. Do you remember how he used to scream at me? You used to cover your ears with dinner rolls. JEANETTE (CONT'D) Also, no job was ever good enough for him. "Small potatoes, small potatoes." Al, you remember -- Al breathes loudly. ED Wait a minute. I thought you didn't know Al, 'til after Dad left. Pause. Even the repairman pokes his head out of the refrigerator. ED (CONT' D) Oh my God. You and Al were - and that's why you threw him out. JEANETTE He had a woman in my own bed! And how dare you call him "Dad" in front of Al. (shakes Al by the shoulder) This is your father. This is who was there for you when you needed someone. AL Jeanette, you're hurting me. ED (on the defensive) I'm not -- I didn't -- Al, you know how I feel about you... Al breathes loudly. ED (CONT'D) (uncomfortably) If I don't call you "Dad" it' just because... 1 was already a big boy when you came into our lives -- (pointedly to his mother) or when I thought you came into our lives -- JEANETTE And what did he come back now for? ED Who? JEANETTE Hank! All of a sudden. Because now you're famous and he can get something from you. I don't wan you to become a victim like Marcia. (to the TV) Not that you're a victim, honey. You're not. Life's just been a little hard on you, sweetie. ED (to Al) What do you think. I mean about... him. Should I just... have nothing to do with him? I mean... AL (to Ed) Have I ever said a bad word to you about your father? ED No. AL Well, now I will. He was a crazy mean, son-of-a-bitch. Al starts to wheel himself out. Ed looks weary. AL (CONT'D) But he was your father. 127 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's asleep. 128 INT. CONTROL TRUCK They're monitoring him. They see Ed WAKE UP. They stir. Sleepy, and scratching his ass, he goes into the bathroom. 129 INT. BATHROOM Ed shuts the door. He takes his PORTABLE PHONE OUT of a bathroom drawer. (He stashed it there.) He makes a call and waits. ED (whispering) Hi... it's me, Ed. It's been two days, I want to see you... No, I won't let them follow me, I'11 sneak out... No it's not allowed, but I'm going for it... I'm on my way. He takes CLOTHING OUT of the bathroom hamper. until he finds something acceptable. 130 INT. CONTROL TRUCK They're monitoring the empty bed. 131 INT. BATHROOM Ed is dressed. He CLIMBS OUT his bathroom window. 132 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER Shari opens her front door. ED Hi. She looks down the hallway. ED (CONT'D) They're not here. He goes in, grabs her and kisses her passionately. SHARI I tried to tell you over the phone -- my parents went to Atlantic City. ED So? SHARI So my little brother's staying here. I'm sleeping with Rita. ED Oh Je -- couldn't he sleep with Rita? We'11 all have a good time. SHARI I'm sorry. ED Come on, let's go. SHARI Where? ED Somewhere. 133 INT. ED'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER They get in. They look at each other. ED Do you want to go to a motel? SHARI I feel like a criminal or, like we're cheating on someone. ED (nicely) Just... just relax. Okay? We won't do anything. We'11 just sit here for a while. SHARI Okay. ED Come on... Gently he puts his arm around her. At first, she hesitates, but then curls up against him and relaxes. ED (CONT'D) I need to talk. SHARI Are you all right? ED She lied to me. I mean all my life, she's telling me one story and then... it turns out to be a completely different story. Come to me at some point -- tell me the truth. No. Not in my house. The truth is a stranger. And this is why Ray and Marcia are the way they are. Marcia gets involved with all these losers and sees no problem with herself - "How do they find me" she says. Ray cheats on you and then blames me for it. I'm the only one in the family who takes any responsibility for himself... Oh, man... Are you all right? SHARI (hesitantly) Yeah... I saw that girl come on to you at the TV show. ED Oh that was... no, I ... she just kind of trapped me into giving her a ride. It's you. I want you. SHARI ...yeah? He TOUCHES her. They KISS. Then again. Their hands are roaming. They're hot. They're breathing hard. He's unbuttoning her blouse. Their hands are all over each other. Her blouse comes off. LIGHTS GO ON. They see cameras, shooting at them. Shari SCREAMS and covers her breasts. 134 INT. TV - DAY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Good morning. Welcome to another day of Ed TV. Last night, while most of us were asleep ... this happened. 135 INT. FRAT HOUSE - MORNING FOUR GUYS in a disgustingly messy room, watching the replay of Ed and Shari. FRAT GUYS Yes!! They GYRATE LEWDLY. 136 EXT. STREET - DAY Shari is working. Ed is following her around. Shari is ANGRY. The cameras are there. SHARI Get them away from me. She takes PACKAGES OUT OF the TRUCK and THROWS them at the cameramen. ED It's not their fault. SHARI No. It's your fault. She throws a package at him. ED What do you want me to do? You want me to quit the show?! SHARI No... Could you? ED No. If I quit I don't get the balloon payment. SHARI The what? ED Ray borrowed this whole tub of money against this balloon payment that I don't get if I qu -- it's too complicated. I -- Besides... SHARI What? Pause. ED You see how people look at me. Like when they ask for my autograph or say "Hi" to me... It's like I'm a basketball player or a... you know, like I'm someone. SHARI Everybody's someone. ED Well, yeah, everybody's someone. But I mean someone they want to be. I mean let's face it, I'm working in the video store, no one's coming in saying "oh, I wish I was that guy. 1 wish was rewinding that huge pile of tapes." At least for a month I'm not just a guy with a name tag. I'm famous. A GUY YELLS from across the street. GUY Shari! Nice nipples. ED And so are you. GUYS keep YELLING "Shari!" She tries to go after them. Ed holds her back. SHARI I don't want to be famous for getting caught with my shirt off. If I'm going to be famous -- The camera is right in her face. She grabs it. SHARI (CONT'D) (to the camera person) This is going right up your ass. ED Come on. He returns the camera. Shari starts for her truck. SHARI Look... maybe we just better put us on hold until this is over. She gets in her truck. ED Come on! Loosen up. (trying to joke) See -- this is why seventy-one per cent of the people don't like you. She SLAMS the TRUCK DOOR. ED (CONT'D) It was a joke! A... vicious, thoughtless stupid joke. He bangs himself in the head. She drives away. He BOWS. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) And that, for you kids out there, is how you screw up a relationship. 137 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed enters. He's worn out. He plops down, and puts on the TV. ED (to the camera) I'm gonna watch anything but me. Ed is flipping stations. Something makes him stop. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Coming in two weeks to the Lifestyle Channel -- Joma. His Dad's a cop, his brother's a bouncer in a topless bar, his sister is a black-belt social worker -- and Joma's living with two gals. ANGLE ON THE TV We see JOMA. He has a lot of charisma. He seems a little dangerous, but in an exciting way. JOMA Hey, Ed! I'm coming to get you, man! I'm gonna eat you right up! (makes gobbling-up noises) ANGLE ON ED Watching. He's stunned. 138 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY They're watching a tape of Ed TV. Ed has just entered his own apartment. A WOMAN is there, sitting on his sofa. She's caressing Ed's undershorts against her cheek. Ed is highly agitated. ED How did you get into my apartment?! The BODYGUARD is pulling her out. REVEAL that Scharlach, McIlvaine, Seaver, Cynthia and Greg are all watching. McILVAINE What is she holding? GREG (calmly) A pair of Ed's underwear. McILVAINE Oh my God! ON the TAPE, the woman while being forcibly evicted, offers the underwear to Ed. Ed recoils. ED No -- keep it. WOMAN I love you! 1 want to marry you! She's hauled out. They stop the tape. SCHARLACH See -- that's television! This other thing, this Jama, that has "stink" written all over it. GREG The break-up with Shari was very big. Big ratings. SEAVER Only, Cynthia, seriously. Tell Ed not to sneak out anymore. SCHARLACH Cynthia ... He wants it accomplished. 139 EXT. STREET - DAY SEAVER (CONT'D) It's in violation of his contract and if we wanted to be hard-nosed about it, he could forfeit all pay, including money he's already received. CYNTHIA (dutifully, but a tad resentfully) I will see that he's properly threatened. SCHARLACH Now what? What's on the young man's agenda? We don't want to see him sitting around like a lovesick puppy. GREG Young males do not want to see Ed get back with Shari. SCHARLACH (impatiently) Enough with her. That sailed. McILVAINE Could Ed live with two girls? GREG You know who the audience is requesting a lot? That girl, Jill, that Ed met at the Letterman show. She really scored. SCHARLACH Cynthia... He wants it accomplished. 139 EXT. STREET - DAY Ed is walking from his car to a building. CROWDS are behind barricades. They YELL at Ed as he passes. Ed is used to this. 140 INT. SHARI'S BUILDING - DAY Rita OPENS the door and sees Ed. RITA (nervously) Oh. Ed. ED Hi. Is Shari here? RITA No. ED What is she, at work? RITA She left. ED Well, when will she be back? RITA She won't. ED What are you talking about? RITA She left. She moved. She got Fed-Ex to give her a transfer and she left. She couldn't stand it anymore. We had people, news people, regular people, just sleeping in our hallway, going through our mail, our garbage. I mean it was she couldn't take it anymore. Now I've got to move. I can't afford this place by myself. ED I'm sorry. Where'd they send her? RITA She wouldn't tell me. 141 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's off the air. He's a little down. He's ON the PHONE- INTERCUT WITH: 142 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM She's working out an a contraption. ED Remember when you were interviewing me? (details to follow) 143 EXT. PARK - DAY CYNTHIA Yeah. ED You asked me if I had a dream. I said "Sure, I have a dream. I just don't know what it is yet." CYNTHIA Great line. ED What if Shari's the dream? CYNTHIA Ed, do you want my advice? ED Yeah, that's why I called. I mean, maybe Fed-Ex would tell me where she moved -- CYNTHIA Leave her be. ED You said a woman likes to be pursued. CYNTHIA Pursued, not harassed. Give it some space. Can I tell you something -- as a friend? My sister was going with a guy they hit a little rough spot they started seeing other people they got back together and last month they had their third child For what it's worth. OPEN ON ANDY, Ed's half-Asian nephew. He's eight. He's wearing a baseball glove. ANDY Throw me a high one, Uncle Eddie. ED (O.C.) Okay. REVEAL ED, also wearing a baseball glove. He throws a high pop up to Andy. Andy staggers around and almost catches it. ED Oh!! JILL (0.C.) We have to stop meeting like this. ED Hm? REVEAL JILL, walking a DOG. it takes just a second to recognize her. ED (CONT'D) Oh, hi. Ed is hit with the ball. ANDY Sorry. REVEAL the Real TV Staff watching this on television in their office. As Ed and Jill chat in the background. ALICE (to Cynthia) Did you arrange this? CYNTHIA (points to the TV) Whose dog is that? ALICE (surprised) That's your dog. Cynthia doesn't even smile. MONTAGE INTERSPERSED IN THE MONTAGE ARE SHOTS OF PEOPLE WATCHING THEM ON TV 1. Ed and Jill going into a chic club -- ushered in immediately. Here, as in the other times we see her, Jill is comfortable with the situation. She's the opposite of Shari. She poses willingly. She chats easily with paparazzi. She clings to Ed. There's nothing overt or obnoxious about her. She's just comfortable and good at it and always looks great. 2. INTERVIEW with the guys who didn't like Shari. GUY #1 Way to go, Ed! GUY # 2 Now, we're talking! 3. A N.Y. Post story: "Readers Pick Jill over Shari." Pictures of both women. Jill looks great. Shari is in her uniform and looks like a mouse. 4. SHARI In a new apartment. Watching Ed and Jill on TV. She's very unhappy. She turns it off. 5. Ed and Jill at the nice restaurant he was at with Shari earlier. It looks like he's starting to like her. 6. Ed is refereeing a pro-wrestling match. He counts out the villain who, then, jumps up and chases him out of the ring. 144 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT "DAY 47" Ed and Jill are in a HEAVY LIPLOCK. Carlos is right there with the camera. Unlike Shari, Jill seems unself-conscious. She's getting Ed pretty turned-on. SHOTS of VIEWERS, also turned on, especially the men. JILL You want to? It's clear what she means. Ed is conflicted. He's clearly aroused. ED Um... It's kind of ... He looks for his watch on the wrong wrist, then seems to check all around his body until he discovers it. JILL Are you busy tomorrow night? ED No. JILL Why don't you come over. And I'11 make dinner. And you bring a movie. And ... We'11 make a night of it ... okay? ED (nervously) Sure. 145 EXT. STREET - DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 48" Ed is walking, the camera following. He looks tense. People SHOUT "Hey, Ed" "Ed-die" etc. ANGLE ON A NEWSPAPER VENDING MACHINE The New York Post front page -- "Is tonight the Night?" with a picture of Ed and Jill kissing. ANGLE ON ED ED Oh man... CON ED GUY Hey, Eddie. Ed looks up. CON ED GUY (CONT'D) (giving the "thumbs up") Go for it! Ed continues down the street. People YELL to him "Good luck tonight," "We're rooting for you" etc. A STREET CHARACTER walks alongside for a minute. STREET CHARACTER Hey, man. This is Haitian Love Juice. (he produces a vial) You give her this, she be yours. Security grabs him and the vial falls and breaks. The liquid hits the pavement and smokes up. ED (looking at the smoke) Jesus! More shouts "Be gentle", "We'11 be watching", "Use a condom" etc. A SCHOOL BUS passes. The KIDS YELL out the window to Ed. KIDS (in unison) Good luck! 146 EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT There is no line. At TICKET TAKER sits, bored. No one is going in or coming out. 147 EXT. STREET It's deserted. 148 EXT. RESTAURANT It's empty. The HEADWAITER stands in the doorway with nothing to do. 149 INT. LIVING ROOM A PARTY is in progress. The TV is on. On TV Ed is in a liquor store, buying a bottle of wine. Ed is dressed for his date. The people at the party are watching TV and commenting. It's like a Super bowl party. VOICE (O.C.) What's he doing? PARTYGOER He's buying wine! 150 INT. BEDROOM Several high-school age BOYS. They have made themselves look like Ed. They're very excited. TEEN-AGE BOY #1 You think he's gonna do it? TEEN-AGE BOY #2 Hell yeah. The guy hasn't had any sex in six weeks. TEEN-AGE BOY #3 Neither have we. 151 EXT. STREET Ed's car turns the corner and he sees a CROWD gathered around Jill's building. 152 EXT. BUILDING ED (understating) I'm starting to feel a little pressure. Ed carrying his wine enters to APPLAUSE and CHEERS. 153 EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET A LONG SHOT encompasses all the houses on the block. Their living room TV's are visible. All but one are tuned to Ed. 154 INT. JILL'S KITCHEN Something is cooking. Jill picks up a plate of something - dip and cut vegetables for instance. She starts to exit the kitchen as Ed and Carlos enter. Ed and Jill have a soft collision. JILL Oh. ED Can I help with anything? JILL No. It's going to be about a half-hour. ED What is? Oh, dinner! SELF-CONSCIOUSLY. He takes a vegetable, dips it and eats it. ED (CONT'D) Mm. JILL Good? ED Mm. They look at each other. Jill leans forward and kisses him. She puts the tray of vegetables on the counter. They continue to kiss. 155 INT. BEDROOM The high school boys are CHANTING. 156 INT. DORM ROOM BOYS Ed -- Ed -- Ed -- Ed... COLLEGE GIRLS (same ones as before). COLLEGE GIRL #1 Oh, I hope she makes love to him! COLLEGE GIRL #2 I thought you didn't like her. COLLEGE GIRL #1 I don't, but I want him to be happy- RAPID SHOTS of other VIEWERS, watching, transfixed -- 157 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT Ed and Jill are making out. They begin taking each other's clothes off. They're passing the point of no return. It's going to happen right there in the kitchen. Ed and Jill, in heavy heat, back up to the kitchen table and climb on to it. They continue to pull at their own and each, other's clothing. They're making passionate noises. 158 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Shari is not watching television. She's eating a little meal she's made for herself. She HEARS PEOPLE in her building cheering and whooping. She looks miserable. 159 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR (slightly panicky) Someone say the word, how far can we go here? 160 INT. REAL TV OFFICE Cynthia and her staff are watching. Cynthia is ON THE PHONE- CYNTHIA (into phone) Stay with them ... don't leave yet... not yet ... Jill is on top of Ed. Carried away with passion, Ed attempts to roll her over and get on top. He does, but rolls too far. He crashes off the table, to the floor, face up. ED (in pain) Ohhh... JILL Ed? ED Ohh... do you own a cat? JILL Yeah. Why? He looks at her apologetically. 161 EXT. JILL'S BUILDING Ed is being loaded into an AMBULANCE. He looks humiliated. PEOPLE in the street are applauding politely as if Ed were an injured ballplayer being carried off the field. Jill is by the ambulance. She's PETTING a CAT who looks all right. PHOTOGRAPHERS are taking her picture. She's posing willingly. The ambulance drives off as Jill continues to pose. 162 INT. TV STUDIO Written on the screen -- "Day 49" The taping of "The Tonight Show" or "the Late Show" -- once again, whichever we have a prayer of getting. The MONOLOGUE is in progress. JAY (OR DAVE) (mock annoyed) So I guess you were all watching Ed last night. The AUDIENCE goes wild. JAY (CONT'D) This got the highest rating of the year, since the Super Bowl. I guess that makes sense. After all, Ed is now the Buffalo Bills of sex. BIG LAUGHS 163 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Scharlach EATING. He's stunned. SCHARLACH What?! REVEAL CYNTHIA CYNTHIA Take him off the air. SCHARLACH What are you talking about? He's fine. He's out of the hospital already. The ratings are higher than ever. CYNTHIA I'm telling you, it's peaked. Ed TV is an over-inflated balloon. Get it off before it explodes all over us. He thinks. SCHARLACH With all due respect, Cynthia you're nuts. I'm giving him another month! CYNTHIA (coldly) Good luck. 164 EXT. STREET - DAY "DAY 54" Ed is walking. He's wearing a white, Velcro support around his waist. He's agitated. He's carrying a copy of the New York Post. ED Look at this! WE SEE a headline -- "Ed: She Broke My heart." ED She did not! (venting) You know what she did? ED (CONT'D) She went out to California and got one of those scandal agents. One of those agents who handle, like... Gennifer Flowers and... Kato Kaelin and Joey Buttafuco. That's what she -- A GUY YELLS AT ED GUY Hey Ed! ... She was a little too much for you, huh? Must run in the family. ED (angry) Oh -- like this guy's ever been with a woman. (yells) How about I kick your ass 'til the crack goes the other way? (to the camera) All of a sudden, I'm like fair game for everyone. I'm like -- He stops and looks like he's in shock. He stares in through the display window of a bookstore. ANGLE ON, a big DISPLAY of cheap, rushed-out, exploitation books. On the cover we read "My Brother Pissed On Me By Raymond L. Pekurny.11 And there's an old photo of two little boys. (Ed and Ray) ED Oh my -- He wrote a book?! Ray wrote a book?! He never read a book! 165 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT "DAY 58" It's the hallway of a cheap hotel. Ed and the camera come off the elevator. Ed looks at room numbers. He can HEAR the noise from all the rooms. A radio -- a domestic disturbance -- a baby crying -- it's a horror. He KNOCKS ON a door. HANK (O.C.) Who is it? ED It's Ed. The door opens REVEALING Ed's father. HANK Ed! Come in - They enter. 166 INT. HOTEL ROOM It's depressing. There's a liquor bottle on the dresser. Ed sees it. HANK (CONT'D) How've you been? Ed SHRUGS. HANK (CONT'D) They don't get cable here, so 1 can't watch you. Ed just GRUNTS. Hank takes LAUNDRY off a chair. HANK (CONT'D) Sit down. He does. He looks around. HANK (CONT'D) Quite a shithole, isn't it? ED It could be, if you fixed it up. How did you... ? I mean how does anyone ... wind up like this? HANK I was in jail. ED The whole time? Eighteen years? HANK No. Two times. ED What... HANK Check forging. ED Oh, man! So... HANK The last two years, I've been a limousine driver, but I don't see well anymore, so... ED So you saw me on TV and you said "Hey, let me jump on this." HANK I need help. How many times if just one little thing that I needed would've happened, it would've changed everything. If I had a few dollars when an opportunity came along or... the tumblers just never clicked for me. Ed doesn't know what to say. He's bitter towards Hank, but there's also some empathy. ED (to the camera) All right... This is my father, I don't know what the hell he can do, but if anyone out there can help him -- get him a job - I'11 ... help you. I'11 ... mention your business or ... I don't know, we'11 figure it out. (quickly, to Hank) I gotta go. HANK Ed... I'm sorry. ED (still bitter) Yeah? That's good. Sorry is good. You know I finished that model. HANK What... ED The pirate ship. Hank looks blankly at him. ED (CONT'D) -- That we were doing "together." I finished it. It came out great! Because no one was standing over my shoulder bothering me - "That's too much glue. You're using too much glue." HANK Do you still have it? ED No. Ray sat on it. I'11 see you. He exits. Out in the hallway, he leans back against the door, drained. The camera is right on him, soaking it up. 167 INT. TV STUDIO The same PBS-type panel of smart-looking people we met earlier. WE OPEN ON about half the panel. MODERATOR Let's hear from our guest panelist. You've expressed some interesting thoughts on this, subject. What do you see as the meaning, if there is any, of Ed TV, John. REVEAL JOHN, sitting comfortably on the panel, looking very wise. JOHN I feel that Ed is the apotheosis of a prevailing American syndrome. It used to be that someone became famous because they were special. Now people are considered special just for being famous. Fame, itself, is now a moral good in this country. It's its own virtue. The others NOD appreciatively as John puts a PIPE in his mouth. TV INTERVIEWS OLD GUY I was Ed's Little League coach. He had no coordination. The big game, he struck cut with the bases loaded. Then he cried like a woman. It was sickening. CUT TO: OLD WOMAN I was his third grade teacher. I said "Take him for tests. There's something wrong with him." They didn't listen. CUT TO: ANOTHER GUY He used to steal things from my store. At least I think it was him. Yeah, it was probably him. 168 EXT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY A MAN, on the sidewalk, has a STUFFED CAT stuck to his back to tease Ed. CAT MAN Hey, look, I just fell off a table! Suddenly, a TUBFUL OF WATER crashes down on him. 169 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Ed at the window, with a now empty plastic tub. ED (yelling down) Okay, is that funny? Then he throws the tub out the window. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) How was that? Was that funny?! 170 INT. NETWORK OFFICE "DAY 78" Again, everyone there, including Cynthia. A Honcho is reading a report. HONCHO #1 Of more concern than the sag in Ed's ratings is what viewers are feeling about him now. The positives are down and the negatives are up. There's a feeling that Ed isn't cool anymore. We're starting to see a big L.F. GREG Hm? HONCHO #1 L.F. Loser Factor. HONCHO #2 That's deadly. McILVAINE Not necessarily. I mean instead of running from the L.F., run with it. Create more moments like the table thing. We can package a video "Ed's Goofiest Moments." Let him be America's Goofball. CYNTHIA Isn't this getting kind of pathetic. I mean we drank the juice, now we're just licking peel. Let it go! SCHARLACH Cynthia, I think you're laboring under a misconception. You seem to believe that because you happened to predict this, we should be impressed. We're not. Anybody in any business can predict failure. 1 need people who prevent failure. I want to see this thing turned back in the right direction. Remember this was your baby. 171 INT. BAR - NIGHT "DAY 94" Tad and Barry -- as we met them, originally -- are watching TV. They're really enjoying it -- laughing, pounding the table. TAD I don't know, I still love this guy. BARRY Yeah only I wish they had the sister on more. TAD Ooh, the sister! She is hot. BARRY You know it. REVEAL that they are watching Joma. On the TV -- Joma is eating dinner in his apartment with TWO attractive WOMEN, who, apparently, both live there. Joma is upset (but he's funny when he's upset). What's upsetting him is that across the alley, in a window of another building, he can plainly see an OVERWEIGHT MAN, with his shirt off, exercising. The overweight man is apparently watching an exercise video and is bouncing up and down in place causing everything to jiggle unpleasantly. JOMA'S FRIEND Ignore him. JOMA I can't! It's like a mudslide. (screams out the window) Put on a shirt! ANGLE ON TAD AND BARRY, HYSTERICAL ANGLE ON TV JOMA (CONT'D) (yelling) I support the fact that your exercising but, for the love of God, put on a shirt. JOMA'S FRIEND (to Joma) Shut the curtains. JOMA No! Let him shut the curtains. TAD AND BARRY Laughing and wiping their eyes. 172 INT. ED'S BEDROOM Off the air. Ed ON the PHONE. INTERCUT WITH CYNTHIA ED This Joma is so phoney! I mean, those things aren't really happening. I think they have writers making that stuff up for him. Hey, couldn't we do that? Hire some writers and have them write up some crazy situations I could get into? She's listening, amazed. CYNTHIA Ed, everything goes off. "Cheers" went off. "Mash" went off -- ED (getting angry) Yeah, but when they went off people weren't making fun of them. They weren't bozos! I'm Pumpkin Ass again! CYNTHIA (getting annoyed) Ed -- ED You know, everything you asked me to do I did. I call you for advice about Shari you say - (mocking imitation) "Leave her be, see other people for a while." You just wanted me to get involved with Jill because it made for a better show. CYNTHIA Ed -- ED No. You screwed up my life just so you could get higher ratings. You never gave a shit about me. CYNTHIA Yeah? Well I'm not starting now. She HANGS UP and has an acid reflux. 173 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT Ed and John are playing. JOHN Look, you put anybody on TV sixteen hours a day, at some point they're going to wind up rolling off a table on to a cat. I mean with no privacy, there's no... dignity. Ed thinks. Pause. ED You know about that fireman who rescued that little girl? JOHN When? Today? ED No! Like, ten years ago. In Texas. Baby... (tries to remember) Jessica! JOHN Oh right, right! She fell down, like a... ED Yeah, a thing. He became a big hero. He was on TV and there was a parade and a movie about him JOHN Right, right... ED And then, uh... you know it blew over and he went back to being a fireman again. JOHN (cheerfully) Right. ED So he killed himself. JOHN (a little shaken) Oh. SILENCE. The cell phone RINGS. Ed PICKS UP the phone. ED Hello. INTERCUT WITH JEANETTE IN A HOSPITAL She's crying. JEANETTE Eddie... ED Mom? JEANETTE I'm at the hospital. ED What's the matter?! JEANETTE He's dead! Eddie, he's dead! It was his heart. ED Oh God. What hospital? JEANETTE St. Joseph's. ED I'm coming right over. I'll be right there. He hangs up. 174 INT. TAD'S HOUSE Tad is watching TV and talking an the phone. TAD I told you! I told you he was gonna die! 175 INT. HOSPITAL - AN HOUR LATER Ed rushes in. He goes up to the desk. Carlos is with him. ED Hi. I'm looking for my mother. Her name is -- A DOCTOR spots him. DR. GELLER Mr. Pekurny. ED Yes? DR. GELLER I'm Dr. Geller. Your mother is just lying down for a few minutes. we gave her something to calm her down. ED Thank you. Can I see her? DR. GELLER Just wait here. She's coming right back out. ED Mm... (wearily) Oh, man... DR. GELLER (sympathetically) ED What about him -- did he suffer any or was it quick? I'd hate to think he... DR. GELLER Very quick. Between you and me, it's not a bad way to go. Making love to your wife... it's very sweet. ED Really? They were.. DR. GELLER (nods) According to your mother. When the paramedics got to the hotel, she told them that -- ED Hotel? What were they doing in a hotel? DR. GELLER I ... don't know. I ... VOICE (O.C.) Eddie. Thank God you're here. Eddie looks across the room and sees Al in his wheelchair, just entering from outside. He wheels towards Ed. AL How's your mother? ED (shocked) Al! AL Our neighbors gave me a ride. ED Al!! AL Where is she? Is she all right? Ed turns to the doctor. ED I thought -- I thought he was dead. DR. GELLER Who? ED Al! DR. GELLER No. (reads his chart) The deceased is ... Henry Pekurny. 176 INT. TAD'S HOUSE TAD (stunned) Good twist! 177 INT. HOSPITAL AL You thought it was me? ED Yes! AL It's your father. Hank. Your mother went to see him and he had a heart attack. ED Went -- Again, Ed turns to the doctor. NURSE Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack wants to see you. DR. GELLER (to Ed) Excuse me. NURSE (to Ed) Could I get your autograph for my niece? ED (distracted) Um... yeah... Jeanette enters. JEANETTE Al! How did you -- AL The Burkharts drove me. Are you all right? JEANETTE (nervously) I'm fine. I ... AL Good. I gotta pee. He wheels off. Jeanette and Ed are left alone. ED (loud whisper) What happened? JEANETTE It was horrible. He called me up. ED Who? JEANETTE Hank! He said he wanted to talk to me to apologize for everything he begged -- he cried. So I went to this horrible hotel he was staying in... I felt so sorry for him -- ED So you had sex with him? Jeanette GASPS. JEANETTE What? ED The doctor said you were having sex. JEANETTE (horrified) To you? In front of him? (indicates Carlos) With the... ED Yes. He assumed Hank was your husband. He didn't know. JEANETTE Oh my god! On TV! ED Why? How... JEANETTE One thing led to another. He was my husband once. ED But Al is your husband now! JEANETTE Do you think it's been easy for me? It's been years. Al can't have sex. ED Apparently, neither can Hank. What the hell did you do to him? Al comes rolling back, SINGING. AL "Lovely Rita, the Meter Maid... 178 INT. TV STUDIO JEANETTE (whispers) Don't tell Al. He doesn't know. ED (points to the camera) Well, he's the only one in America who doesn't! OPRAH or RICKI or GERALDO or someone. OPRAH Women who remarry but have sex with their first husbands. on today's Oprah. 179 INT. TV STUDIO Our same panel of pundits. PANELIST #3 Ed's family is the tip of the iceberg. You watch the daytime tabloid shows it's the same thing. I'm telling you, America is fast becoming a trailer park. PANELIST #2 Let's not overstate the case. There are millions of hard- working, sensible, moral, educated people in this country. Not every family is like Ed's. REVEAL ED watching this discussion on TV. 180 INT. TV STUDIO DAVE OR JAY A CHART is set up with little pictures. DAVE/JAY So let's recap. The mother's too good at it, both brothers stink at it. (there's a drawing of a figure falling of a table) The stepfather can't do it at all and the father did it but it killed him. (there's a drawing of a tombstone) How did this family ever reproduce in the first place? 181 EXT. CEMETERY GATES - DAY Ed is driving Jeanette and Al to the funeral. A CROWD is held back by POLICE. Someone yells "Adulterer". Someone else tries to offer Ed a lunchbox. Someone else is carrying a sign "What a Way to Go". 182 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Hank's COFFIN is being carried to his gravesite. Ed, Ray and Marcia are pall bearers. One of the others pall bearers is Ed's BODYGUARD. The OTHERS TWO are two guys who work for the mortuary. Carlos is shooting. ED (to Ray) You're not going to talk to me? You're not even gonna say hello? RAY I have nothing to say to you. Ed gives up. He turns to Marcia. ED How are you doing? Is Cliff here? She doesn't answer. Ed reacts. RAY Cliff left her, thanks to you. ED Me?! RAY That's right. You put Cliff on television. So then he decided he was too good for her and he left. ED I put his -- who -- (to Marcia) Look, Marsh, he's not that good a singer, he'll be back. MARCIA (too loudly) That's not funny!! Ed CRINGES. 183 EXT. GRAVESITE - A LITTLE LATER The service ends. The small group begins to walk away. Ray and Marcia go off together, ignoring Ed. Jeanette is attempting to wheel Al away from the grave, but she's hitting ruts. Ed approaches. ED I'11 take it. JEANTTE (to Al, uncomfortably) Sweetheart, I'm gonna go ahead and sign all the papers. AL Right. She touches him but he pulls away. Ed wheels Al. ED Are things gonna be okay with you and Mom? Is there anything I can -- AL I'm moving out. ED What?! AL I'm going to be living with my brother. He's not in such good shape as I am, but... I'm looking forward to the pillow fights. ED (really upset) Oh, Al ... This is just... AL Hank was always good with the ladies. Always good-looking. Hell, he's been dead for two days, he still looks better than me. He stops wheeling and crouches down next to Al. ED I want to tell you something... I love you. You're my father. Pause. AL I love you, too. Al KISSES him. AL (CONT'D) I'11 build a pirate ship with you. Ed wheels him away. 184 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE She's watching. She's genuinely moved. She wipes her eyes. 185 INT. BAR - NIGHT This place is sleazy. Ed enters, worn out. He crosses to the bar where we find, Jeanette nursing a drink. She's not drunk, but she is wallowing. ED Hi, Ma. JEANETTE (startled) Ed! How did you know I was here? ED You're famous. Somebody called me. What are you doing in a place like this? JEANETTE Why shouldn't I be in a place like this? I'm a whore! ED (cringes) Ma... JEANETTE I'm a tramp (pulls on the sleeve of the man next to her) Meet your new father. The whole nation is laughing at us! ED And how is this helping? come on say, good-night to all your new friends and let's go home. JEANETTE (exiting) I'm a whore! (yells at an employee) Your bathrooms are filthy! They're out. 186 EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS Ed is helping Jeanette. Ray arrives. He's ANGRY. RAY I'11 take her. You humiliated our mother on national television. You've single- handedly destroyed this family. ED I -- Oh, but that book you wrote was a real love-letter. That... toilet paper with covers. BYSTANDER #1 That book sucked. I want my money back. ED Oh great. Where's Moe? He looks around. Moe is gone. RAY Come on, Ma. ED (to Ray) Let's remember how I got into this. "Please, Eddie, do this for me. I can't get a break." (pretends to cry) RAY You know what your problem is? ED Yeah. My problem is I've got a brother who writes a sentence like "We grew up in a small, little bedroom." As opposed to a big, little bedroom? RAY I got paid by the word! No! Your problem is you don't ever want anything to be your fault. ED Me?! That's you! RAY I commit. I take a chance. You wanted to be the guy on TV, but you didn't want to say you wanted to. So you have me talk you into it so you get what you want, but if it goes bad it's not your fault. BYSTANDER #2 Right. Like you say you love Shari, but, you wouldn't mind noodling that model. ED Moe! BYSTANDER #3 The truth hurts. ED Yeah? So does a kick in the nuts. RAY For once in your life, be honest with yourself. I know you, Ed. I know you look at me and Marcia and Mom and you think you're different. You're like "How did I end up in this family?" You're not different. you're worse. Because you have no guts. You drift around, you don't commit, you make fun of me -- okay. Just don't kid yourself. (to Jeanette) Let's go. JEANETTE You're both good boys. Ray and Jeanette leave. 187 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ed is there along with Cynthia and the Network Execs. There are more execs than before. Cynthia's people are not there. This entire meeting is on ED TV. Cynthia is quiet - observing. Ed looks whipped. ED Three more months? MR. SCHARLACH Absolutely! Ed TV is more popular than ever. Congratulations. McILVAINE Only, Ed, we want you, in the next few weeks to spend a lot more time with your family. ED You do? SEAVER Definitely. Cynthia, explain it to him. Cynthia just stares at her, COLDLY. SEAVER (CONT'D) I'11 do it. (to Ed) People want to see what happens to them now. Do your mother and step-father get back together? How does your sister handle being alone? Your feud with your brother. SCHARLACH In fact, we have a new concept. Since your family signed releases, we can follow them on camera even when you're not with them. We can cut around from family member to family member. Whoever's the most exciting at that moment. McILVAINE And, of course, it's another big bonus payment for you. Pause. ED A couple of years ago my Uncle Roy got bit on the ass by a dog. Silence. What the hell is he talking about? ED (CONT'D) So he gave me his tickets to the U.S. Open -- the tennis matches. They still have no idea what he's talking about. ED (CONT'D) So me and Ray, we tell our friends "Watch when Andre Agassi is gonna serve for the first time. When he's bouncing the ball and it's real quiet, we'11 yell "Whoop". And you'11 all hear us." Pause. SCHARLACH I see. (he doesn't) ED You know what that is? It's sad. I mean it was just so we could be heard. So we could stand out from the crowd for a second. So we did it. But we had nothing to say. Just "Whoop". That's it. And the stupid part I mean the really stupid part is we thought it like... elevated us above the crowd. Where the fact is it made us stupider than the crowd. SCHARLACH I see. ED Stop saying "I see." You don't see. Cynthia, I owe you an apology. CYNTHIA I don't think so. ED Yeah. Because, you didn't talk me into anything. Everything you wanted me to do, I wanted to do. 188 INT. SHARI'S PLACE Shari watching Ed TV. 189 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM ED (to the camera) Ray, you were right. It's like in school. I was always saying "the room was too hot, the teacher didn't like me" -- but it was me! Everything that's wrong with my life I did. Okay? So now this is it. My family has problems. Which are our fault. And TV is not the place to solve them. So I quit. I'm taking what very little dignity I've got left and I quit. Can someone validate my parking? Pause. SHOCK. MR. SCHARLACH Well, Ed, that's ... not really possible. ED All right, I'11 pay for the parking. Big network! Scharlach speaks carefully - gently. He's aware of the camera. He doesn't want to come off as a villain. SCHARLACH No, I mean you can't quit. Ed thinks. ED I can't? MR. SCHARLACH (very gently) Well, no. You agreed to stay on the air as long as we asked you to. The station entered into this on that understanding. If you had refused we'd have begun this with somebody else. You can't just change the rules in the middle of the game, son. It's not fair to us. More importantly, it's not fair to the viewers. They're interested in you. They've devoted hours and days and weeks of their lives to you. ED Look, if you don't let me out of this... I'11 just... I'11 just sit in my apartment all day. I won't go anywhere, I won't do anything. What kind of show will that be? MR. SCHARLACH Not too good. That's why it states in your contract that if you do not continue to live a normal life, you're in violation and are liable for the station's financial losses. Ed, I urge you to reconsider. I urge you on behalf of all those people out there whose lives have become so entwined with yours. Play fair with them, Ed. ED All right. Let them decide. He turns right to the camera. ED (CONT'D) I'd like you all to do me a favor. Turn me off. Just grab the remote and change the channel. I mean, basically, all you're watching now is a guy deteriorate. The only thing missing is the smell. You're better than that Turn me off. Thank you. 190 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE Greg bursts in, carrying a sheet of paper. GREG Ratings are up across the board. Look at this! (drones on) Men 18 to 35, women 18 to 35 ... Cynthia stares, amazed. 191 EXT. STREET Ed WALKING ZOMBIE-LIKE- CROWDS SWARM. 192 INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is with STEVE, a lawyer. Steve has a huge contract on his desk. STEVE This contract you signed? ... It's a masterpiece. Don't go to war with these guys. You fart in the wrong direction they can take everything you own and leave you naked by the side of the road. You ever going to get back with that Jill? Ooh -- she was nice. Shari, I didn't like that much ("imitates" a gabby girl) "yet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet." ED Shut up. 193 INT. DINER - NIGHT Ed is sitting alone, eating lunch. He's surrounded by cameras and shielded by BODYGUARDS. OUTSIDE the diner a CROWD of rubberneckers is out on the sidewalk, looking in at him, some of them acting up, some just staring in. Ed is tired. He glances out the window and makes a MONKEY FACE. Suddenly, he FREEZES. He sees Shari's face in the crowd. She puts her fist in her mouth. 194 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Ed and Shari are walking -- on camera. SHARI 1 bailed. I bailed on you. ED Kinda'. SHARI It's what I do. I yell "Geronimo" and jump out of a relationship. He laughs. Pause. SHARI (CONT'D) You weren't able to make me feel safe or secure -- no easy job for any man, I admit -- and my problem is, if I think I'm losing, I pull myself out of the game. I bail. See? I told you, I'm the love coroner. ED What did you do to your hair? SHARI My truck overheated, so I opened the hood and my hair got caught in the fan belt. So I had to get a haircut. ED It's nice. He touches her hair. They leap on each other. They're KISSING. 195 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Big meeting. Many Honchos, including Scharlach and Cynthia. All but Cynthia are focused. Cynthia looks bored. HONCHO #l I think this could be great. What if Ed and Shari decide to get married? A wedding? The cute, little half-Asian nephew in a tuxedo, carrying the ring on one of those big fluffy pillows - we'11 kill. A sixty share. A secretary (MILDRED) enters. She's a little flustered. MILDRED Um... Mr. Scharlach, um -- you're not watching TV? SCHARLACH No, Mildred, we're working. MILDRED Um... Ed -- and Shari are -- SEAVER Engaged? MILDRED No. Here. They're in the building. They're on their way up. Scharlach indicates that he wants someone to turn on the TV. Someone does and they see Ed and Shari coming down the hall. They enter the conference room. The cameras, of course, are with them. Ed is carrying a CARTON. ED Hi, kids. Busy? MUCH CONFUSION ED (CONT'D) I just came up to pass out these Ed TV hats. He takes a lot of HATS out of the carton and begins placing on the heads of the Honchos. ED (CONT'D) A guy made these up for me. He spelled Ed with two D's. Okay, listen. The real reason I came up here -- and then I'11 get out of your way -- is I've been thinking about what you said. About let's start having more fun with this show, you know? Let's give it a big kick in the ass. HONCHO #1 Well, we were thinking -- ED (cheerfully) Shut up. He takes back that Honcho's hat. ED (CONT'D) Let's have a contest. Now this would mostly be open to professional investigators and detectives. But anyone can join in. SHARI (rehearsed) What do we have to do? ED My lovely assistant, Shari. I'm glad you asked. The contest is who can dig up -- legally, of course -- I'm not suggesting that anyone break any laws -- the most embarrassing and humiliating facts about any of the executives here at the North American Broadcasting System which owns Real TV. The Honchos staring blankly. ED (CONT'D) But facts! They have to be verified. Anything from their past, their present, business, personal -- arrests, affairs ... And whoever comes up with the sleaziest, most degrading material -- I'11 give you ten thousand dollars. And you get to be on Ed TV. (to the Honchos, excitedly) Hah? SHARI So act now. Here's Ed's home phone number. She holds up a CARD. 196 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM It's packed with LAWYERS and EXECS. Everyone is agitated, except Cynthia, who seems relaxed-Ed and Shari are gone. SCHARLACH Legal?! How can this be legal? It's defamation! It's slander! It's... LAWYER Not, technically. He is not showing a reckless disregard for the truth. SCHARLACH You're fired! The meeting continues ANGRILY. 197 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER The Honchos are watching Ed TV. They look STRAINED, ANXIOUS. In Ed's home a BANK OF PHONES have been set up like for a telethon. Manning the phones are Ed, Shari, Ray, Marcia, Al and Jeanette. The PHONES KEEP RINGING. RAY (into phone) Uh-huh... uh-huh... Really?! She was how old? In the conference room one of the Execs looks DIZZY. The CAMERA PANS to Al on the phone. AL (shocked) He pays a prostitute to do what to him? I don't even want that on my shoes. IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM FEAR and SHOCK, except for Cynthia, who is LAUGHING and can't stop. SCHARLACH Stop laughing or you're fired. She stops. Then she gets up. SCHARLACH (CONT'D) Where are you going? CYNTHIA I've got this great idea. We put together a video. "The Network Executives Goofiest Moments." And listen, i've really loved working here. On the word "loved" she shot Scharlach THE FINGER. She exits, LAUGHING. 198 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed is off the phone, ED Okay. We have a winner. Now please don't feel badly if yours wasn't selected. In our eyes, you're all winners. RAY And each contestant gets one of these. (holds up a tee-shirt with writing on it) An "I tried to screw a network executive" tee-shirt. ED A hundred per cent cotton. Okay, here we go, Andy. Ed grabs a sealed ENVELOPE. Andy plays a DRUM ROLL -- not terribly well. ED (CONT'D) Andy's available for executions. And the winner is ... As he opens the envelope. 199 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM The Executives staring, HORRIFIED. 200 INT. ED'S APARTMENT He takes out the card and registers mock-surprise. ED Hey, the winner is from right here in New York city. Carl Bowers a former orderly at the Martin Center -- a clinic that specializes in, what they call, male enhancement procedures. 201 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM Scharlach's EYES WIDEN in HORROR. 202 INT. ED'S APARTMENT ED (to the camera) How many of you know what a penile implant is? As it was explained to me, what happens is-- 203 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM As Ed explains, Scharlach reaches for the phone, fumbling it for a moment. 204 INT. ED'S APARTMENT ED And the man of the hour -- the executive with the winning secret the man who, thanks to the miracle of space-age science and a pump he keeps in his pocket, can now -- A SHOT OF a television set tuned to Ed. Suddenly Ed is replaced by a Real TV logo. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And that concludes Real TV's coverage of Ed TV. Stay tuned for new programming information. MUSAK 205 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM 206 INT. TV STUDIO An ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER. 207 INT. TV STUDIO The PANEL. 208 EXT. CHURCH ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER A spokesperson for Real TV announced that Ed received a check covering his four months on the air, his balloon payment and an additional bonus to show the Network's appreciation for all his -- quote -- hard work and loyalty -- unquote. When asked -- CUT TO: The Panel. PANELIST #1 In five years no one will even remember this person. PANELIST #4 Five years! Six months. He's the "macarena." He's -- CUT TO: A NEWS REPORTER is reporting on a wedding. REPORTER Marcia Pekurny, the woman known to most Americans as "Ed's sister" was married here today to Carlos Coto, who some of you may remember as the primary camera operator on "Ed TV" -- CUT TO: 209 INT. TV STUDIO A news show. NEWS ANCHOR The current rage of "Reality Television" got a real dose of reality today. Lifestyle Televisions Joma was shot this evening, outside his apartment. Because Joma was on television twenty-four hours a day, Lifestyle's cameras were there to record the shooting. WE SEE Joma walking into his building. Somebody steps forward with a GUN. The ASSAILANT is jostled as he shoots and the bullet hits Joma in the ass. He falls to the sidewalk. JOKA Ohhhh!!! ... my ass! He shot me in the ass! The CAMERA PANS to the Assailant, who we might recognize as someone who we've seen following Ed from time to time. ASSAILANT Now I'm famous. REVEAL Ed and Shari watching this on television. ED I know him. I gave him an autograph. Shari turns it off. THE ENDED TV by Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel Sixth Rewrite July 16,1997 This is the first eRelease for the script of the movie "Ed TV" This script was scanned, proof read and formatted by Ueli Riegg eMail: [email protected]; URL: http://studiour.tsx.org 1 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The following is shot DOCUMENTARY-STYLE. A GIRLS VOLLEYBALL GAME has just ended. It was a big game. Some kind of championship. ONE TEAM is CELEBRATING -- jumping up and down, squealing and hugging each other. We are focused on the bench of the TEAM TRAT LOST. They're very sad -- several are crying. One girl, in particular, (AMY) is really sobbing. She's sweat- stained, tired and just blubbering. Stuff's coming out of her eyes, her nose, her mouth and the camera is seeing it all. The COACH, a fortyish man looks at all the weeping girls -- Amy in particular. COACH You quit! You gave up! He KICKS a CHAIR. Now Amy is really a mess. She's crying, coughing, shaking. COACH (CONT'D) (right in Amy's face) You quit!! The Coach storms off. COACH (CONT'D) Qutters! ... Quitters! Amy is wailing and choking on her own tears. This IMAGE FREEZES. TERRY (V.O.) And that would be it. I don't think you need any narration at all. Just end it right there. REVEAL 2 INT. OFFICE - DAY BEGIN CREDITS We're in New York City. We're in the conference room of a modestly successful cable TV station called "Real TV." The people are young, energetic, clever. It's crowded, noisy -the furniture is beaten up, bulletin boards cover the walls, with large index cards all over them. This room is not for show -- work gets done here. SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE are present. One of them is CYNTHIA REED. She's the boss. TERRY (to Cynthia) What do you think? CYNTHIA It's horrible, it's depressing, I love it. What else? ALICE I want to re-pitch that pregnancy idea. Find six women early in their pregnancies and follow them all right through to the births. KEITH (negative) Yeah, when all that stuff comes out. Mixed reactions, mostly negative. CYNTHIA I have an idea. IMMEDIATE ATTENTION CYNTHIA (CONT'D) This is something I've been thinking about for a long time. We're "Real TV" right? I mean that's the name of the station. AGREEMENT CYNTHIA (CONT'D) So let's go real. We find someone. Just a regular person, someone. And we put their life on television - live... all day long. Silence. No movement at all. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) Calm down. KEITH What do you mean, like PBS did in the seventies? What was that family? GREG The Louds. KEITH Yeah. CYNTHIA No. We go way beyond that. We don't film it and edit it and put it on later. We go on the air live every morning and the show goes off each night, when our subject goes to bed. In between, we're on live all day, every day - the same person, -- for (shrugs) let's say a month. No one is wild for this. Some hate it -- some are unconvinced. FELICIA That's not a show that's a surveillance camera. GREG You can't do that. CYNTHIA The hell we can't. Look, the beauty of being a cable channel is we can take chances. I've thought about this and I'm telling you, I think this can make a noise. A loud one. There are twelve thousand channels. You've got to do something that says "Look at me!" Hell, people look at fish tanks all day. This is people! (more firmly) Someone's real life -- an TV, all day long - live... And, you know what? I'm doing it. Pause. The others know the argument is over. GREG In that case, we love it. END CREDITS 3 EXT. POOL HALL - DAY A BUS passes. On the bus is an ad. It says, "Would you like to star in your own TV show? Call Real TV (and a phone number) Coming (and a date)." 4 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT - PARAMUS NEW JERSEY This is a nice upscale pool hall. A party is in progress in a special private area -- a room upstairs let's say -- a loft. Thirty or forty PEOPLE in their twenties and thirties are informally celebrating the engagement of two of their friends. It's NOISY, it's fun, it's informal. It's not a high-end group. By that we mean, not, for the most part young lawyers or stockbrokers. They're mostly blue-collar. Community college graduates. WE OPEN ON ED PEKURNY. He's an attractive man, about thirty. There's still something a little juvenile about him -- not stupid, just boyish. SOMEONE is VIDEOTAPING HIM for one of those congratulation montage things that are done at parties these days. Ed is good at this. He's not professional but he's a loosey-goosey guy who's kind of good on camera. ED I want to congratulate Kevin and Tracy on their engagement. I knew you guys were meant for each other from the moment Tracy told us she was pregnant. TRACY You asshole! Everyone else is cracking up. ED (innocently) What? What did I say? TRACY My mother's going to see this! 5 INT. PARTY - LATER Other people are being "interviewed" on tape. Ed is SHOOTING POOL with his buddy, JOHN. John's had a couple of drinks. He's a little melancholy. He is looking across the room, thoughtfully. ED What? JOHN Look at this -- people are getting married, they're getting married... ED You said that. JOHN We're falling behind. Ed waves dismissively. JOHN (CONT'D) You know who we are? ED Tell me. JOHN We're the guys who clean up after the parade. ED I'm gonna stick this right in your eye. JOHN I was at this comedy club last week and this comedian says "If you're over thirty and your job requires you to wear a name tag, you screwed up your life." And I'm laughing and then I realize I wear a nametag. ED So do I. So what? I'm doing all right. JOHN Your brother's here. ANGLE ON THE DOOR Ed's brother RAY and Ray's girlfriend SHARI arrive at the party. Shari is pretty in an unglamorous kind of way. They both wave and then Shari goes off to talk to some of the LADIES and Ray joins Ed and John. RAY What's up? ED Where were you? RAY (reluctantly) I was... having dinner with Shari and her parents. JOHN/ED (taunting) Oooh! RAY I'm telling you, it's closing in on me. All of a sudden it's like a thing, it's a whole thing. ED What do you mean all of a sudden? You've been going with her six months. RAY I know. I mean I'm sitting there and her father's asking me about my "career prospects" and I'm playing "Risk," with her kid brother, Leon and at dinner the dog's sniffing at my balls -- at least I hope it was the dog. 'Cause her mother disappeared for a while. They LAUGH. 6 INT. PARTY - LATER It's getting wild. Some of the girls are dancing raucously. ANGLE ON A TABLE (NOT A POOL TABLE, AN EATING-TABLE) Ed, Ray, John, Shari and maybe another WOMAN. Ray is holding a big tray of SHRIMP BALLS. During the conversation, Ray throws them in the air and catches them in his mouth like popcorn. Once, he even bounces one off the wall into his mouth. ED You know, those are for everybody. Ray waves dismissively, then gets an idea. RAY Oh! (to Shari) Show them that thing you can do. (to the others) This is great. I just found out she can do this, her brother told me. (to Shari) Come on. SHARI (thinks it's stupid) I don't - RAY Come on... She hesitates, but she really doesn't mind. Slightly, amused she takes her FIST and fits it completely INTO her MOUTH. ED Whoa!! Oh! Ray is cracking up. RAY Is that unbelievable? She removes her hand. SHARI And that concludes today's show. (to Ray) This is where you go around and collect the money. Ed LAUGHS. Ray gives her a KISS. Shari's roommate RITA sits down. RITA Hi. SHARI You guys know my roommate, Rita. They do, vaguely. ED What's going on over there? RITA Everybody's making audition tapes for that Real TV thing. JOHN Oh, that thing. Yeah. Did you hear about this? ED (not sure) Yeah, what - they put some schmuck on TV all day long or something? RAY You know, that would be like a great thing. ED What? RAY That! Being that guy. Being the guy they watch. ED What are you drunk? RAY Yeah, but let's stay on one subject. Whoever that person is is going to be famous. They'll be able to get whatever they want. They'll ... trust me, this is my business. ED What is?! RAY Show business. ED You're in show business? RAY Yeah. I service video equipment. ED That's like... those people stitching Nikes in Panama saying they're in the NBA. RAY (insulted) I'm not stitching Nikes in Panama! ... Bedwetter! ED Thumbsucker! RAY I'm making a tape. ED We're excited. 7 INT. BAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER Ed and Shari, waiting for drink orders. ED So Ray met the family. SHARI Yeah... ED I hear the dog really liked him. SHARI Oh, the whole family loved him. Of course, they loved the last guy I went out with, and he strung me along for three years and dumped me. ED Really? You see, to me, you shouldn't have any trouble with men. There should be, like, a line behind you. She takes Ed's beer. SHARI You shouldn't drink. They LAUGH. 8 INT. TABLE - A LITTLE LATER Ed and Shari ARM-WRESTLING. After a struggle, Ed wins. Ed is impressed. ED Jesus! Shari wrings out her arm and picks up her beer. SHARI (continuing a previous conversation) And, you know, every guy I ever broke up with, the minute it was over, I could tell you what went wrong, how it went wrong, why it had to go wrong... but when I'm in it... lost. I'm like a love coroner. Bring me the corpse, I'11 tell you what killed it. But how to prevent it? Lost. Ed LAUGHS. ED Ray's on. They walk over. ANGLE ON RAY RAY (to camera) Hi. I'm Ray Pekurney. I'm from Paramus, New Jersey... 9 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - DAY She's watching Ray's tape. Ray thinks he's funnier and cuter than he is. RAY (ON TAPE) All my friends tell me "Ray, you've got too much personality for one guy." It's like at a party -- I'm at the center of the attention. Everybody loves me. He gets hit in the face by a hors d'oeuvre. RAY (CONT'D) Ha, ha, ha. I'll kick your ass. No really, let me show you my girlfriend. She's really cute. He reaches out and grabs Shari's wrist. Shari is struggling to stay out of frame. We just see her arm and Ray pulling on it. Ray lets go. RAY (CONT'D) She's strong, 'cause she's a Fedex girl. She lifts those packages. But she's not dikey at all, she's really pretty. CYNTHIA FAST-FORWARDS WE SEE the camera shooting an empty space. Then Ed's head appears sideways right in front of the CAMERA. ED Hello I'm Ed. He starts to sniff. ED (CONT'D) What smells? He steps back from the camera and straightens his head as he SNIFFS. He's more relaxed than Ray. ED (CONT'D) What is that smell? Oop, I think it's this idea. One person on TV all day long? (screams) Are you nuts? WE HEAR LAUGHS The Real TV Staff are enjoying Ed's tape while they eat lunch out of styrofoam containers. ED (CONT'D) Seriously, get your resumes in order. When my brother Ray - whose personality you were just dazzled by -- told me he was going to try out for this -- I said, "why in the world would anyone want to be on TV all day long, no privacy, everybody knowing your business, exposing every single detail of your life I mean... why would anyone want to do that? But then I thought of a reason... (loudly) Why the hell not? He KISSES the LENS, smudging it. Cynthia, watching, cracks up. The others seem to like him to. 10 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY This is a video store in Paramus, New Jersey. It's busy. PEOPLE are in line to check out tapes. WE OPEN ON a WOMAN -- a mother -- who is rummaging through her purse for her Blockbuster card. She looks up and sees that her TWO CHILDREN have opened several boxes of candy from the candy display and are eating from the boxes. MOTHER Oh for -- Put those -- Oh God... She grabs the boxes from them. The boxes are ripped more than she thought and candy goes flying all over. She bends to pick it up. Ed appears. He works here. ED (to the Mom) We'11 take care of it. Someone arrives with a broom. ED (CONT'D) (to the broom guy) Here. This time throw it out, don't eat it. LOU, the Manager passes. ED Lou, can I talk to you a second? Lou seems like he'd prefer to avoid this. LOU Um, yeah, I was gonna ... ED What's the deal? Did anybody make a decision - LOU Ed, look, uh... you're not getting the job. They're gonna transfer someone from another store to manage this store when I leave to manage the new store. I'm sorry. ED Oh, Christ. Did you go to bat for me? LOU I batted! ED You batted or you bunted? LOU Hey. I went as far as I felt comfortable. I mean, you know, let's face it -- you come and go here as you please. You work when you feel like it -- you know, Bruce Springsteen's birthday is not a legal holiday. ED Well, then I'm quitting. LOU Ed, come on. What's that gonna do? You're gonna bring Blockbuster to their knees. Let me recommend a movie to you. It's called "Get your shit together before it's too late." ED (wise-ass) Who's in it? CLERK Ed, telephone. Ed goes to the phone. ED (into the phone) Yeah... Are you serious? ... Come on, no kidding, who is this? ... Holy shit! 11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - ANOTHER DAY Ed is being interviewed by the "Real TV" staff whom we met earlier. He's slightly less comfortable than on his tape, but he's good. ED I had one year of college. And then one year of junior college. CYNTHIA (O.C.) What did you study? ED Oh, see, studying would've been a huge help. Where were you, then? They LAUGH. CUT TO: 11A INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Well, there's Ray, my brother. He's... ambitious. Like a few years ago, he started this mobile dog-grooming business. But, like, out of his Camry. He had this bathtub in his trunk - (Ed starts cracking up) he's throwing the dogs in there, they're fighting and splashing, then he'd slam the trunk down, let 'em run around inside screaming getting all wet... then he'd use the car exhaust to dry'em. (wiping his eyes) Ah, Ray... he just can't get a break. CUT TO: 11B INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED My sister -- Marcia, I mean she can't get a break. About seven years ago she falls in love with this Vietnamese guy who wants to marry her so he can stay in the country. So they get married, they have a kid, he gets his citizenship, immediately divorces my sister and marries this Vietnamese woman who, he was probably already married to all along. She can pick 'em. (pause) She's got a nice little boy, though. My nephew, Andy. CUT TO: 11C INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED My Mom's okay. Kinda. I knew a guy who hated his mother - Stuey Shwam. He hated his mother so much, he had his belly button removed. CUT TO: 11D INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED No, I've never been married. The interviewer seems to be waiting for him to elaborate. He doesn't. He shrugs -- that's it. CUT TO: 11E INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Oh, my father -what an asshole. When I was twelve, my mother needed a hysterectomy -- my father ran off with her nurse! And that's the last I heard of him. CUT TO: 11F INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED Al, my stepfather he's opinionated. And you have to listen because he's like in a wheelchair. CUT TO: 11G INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED I like my job -- I mean I'm doing all right. I'm not sure how long I want to stay there, you know... I mean, I'm thirty-one... I'm not sure I want to be a video store clerk when I'm forty... Of course, I didn't expect to be doing it 'til I was thirty-one, either. But... you know I'm... keeping my options open. Anything comes along, I'm ready to pounce. (growls like a cougar) CUT TO: 11H INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER ED A dream? Of course I have a dream I just don't know what the hell it is. (shrugs and smiles) Ed's image freezes, while he has a funny-cute expression on his face. PULL BACK TO REVEAL a TV in a conference room with Ed's frozen image on it. Cynthia is there with her bosses, the people who run the network that owns Real TV. The top man is MR. SCHARLACH. His deputies are MS. SEAVER and MR. McILVAINE. This is not the same place where we met Cynthia and her staff. This is richer, more corporate and formal. CYNTHIA He's who we want to go with. SCHARLACH (doubtfully) This guy. CYNTHIA I polled my staff. The men say they'd hang around with him and the women say he's fuckable. And one of the men said he's fuckable. SCHARLACH I'm not sure about the entire concept. Cynthia is frustrated. CYNTHIA Look it's not like we're burning up the airwaves now. We're running neck-and-neck with The Gardening Channel. If people just tune in to this twice a day for five minutes, we're a hit. Plus we can sell advertising every second, running at the bottom of the screen... and the beauty is this guy doesn't even have to be good. I mean if he's good, great. But if he winds up making an ass of himself, better. McILVAINE How is that better? CYNTHIA Come on. People cannot turn away from an accident. You drive by, you say "Ooh, I hope there's not a head lying in the road" but you look ! See, nobody in America wants to be nobody. This guy wants to be famous. So, basically, the deal is he agrees to drive down the highway a hundred miles an hour blindfolded and we get to see if his head winds up rolling down the highway. Fun for the whole family. So let's do it. She stops, waiting for approval. 12 INT. VIDEO STORE SCHARLACH (coldly) Good luck. Ed's RE-STOCKING the SHELVES He gets goosed from behind RAY (O.C.) (very loud and happy) Hey... ED (goosed) Oh! Ed DROPS the BOXES. Ray is there with Shari. RAY I got your message. Way to go! ED Hi, Shari. (to Ray) Let's go in the stockroom. 13 INT. STOCKROOM Ed and Ray enter. RAY So when do you start? ED I ... I'm not gonna do it. RAY What? ED Look -- there's a million ways to humiliate yourself - I gotta think of a new way? I mean, it's all day! Every minute. Id be like a monkey at the zoo. I just... RAY (disgusted) Oh man! They couldn't pick me! They had to pick you! He slaps a tape off a shelf. ED You would do this? You would actually -- RAY In a second! In a hot second. Let me ask you something -- ED Why do you do that? RAY What? ED Whenever you ask me something why do you always say "Let me ask you something?" Why don't you just ask me? RAY (impatiently) All right. Let me ask you something... are you happy like this? ED I'm doing all right. RAY Oh Yeah? What's your master plan here? Shari enters, curious about the yelling. She stands there quietly, unnoticed by the guys. RAY (CONT'D) You're gonna be a video store clerk for the rest of your life? This is your big ambition, rearranging the "Ernest" movies? ED Screw off. RAY How many opportunities are you going to get in your life? ED I don't know. RAY That's right. You don't know. Doors don't fly open for guys like us. ED Hey. You know-- we're not the same. I got a good life, this job suits me. I come and go when I please -- RAY Oh, don't bullshit a bullshitter. If you're happy like this you're an idiot, and you're not an idiot. (sees Shari) Hi. Ed turns and sees Shari. She's self-conscious. She feels like she's been caught eavesdropping. SHARI Oh. I -- I heard Ray yelling. 1 didn't mean to -- RAY (to Ed) Give me a chance. I'm begging you. I need a break. Look, I'11 cover your ass. I'11 ride shotgun. Just bring those cameras over to me and I'11 make something happen for both of us. I swear. Come on, Eddie Pause. ED All right. RAY Yeah?! ED Yeah. Ray lifts Ed up. Ray kisses Ed. RAY (to Shari) Is this guy a brother?! 14 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Moderate-priced, restaurant. WE OPEN ON a CLOSE-UP of AL. He's about seventy. REVEAL THE FAMILY AL What happens when you go to the bathroom? Do they go in with you? Ed, Ray, Al, JEANETTE and MARCIA. Al is in a WHEELCHAIR and has an oxygen mask connected to a tank. He periodically takes a hit of oxygen. He's a little short of breath, but loves to talk. Jeanette is Ed's mother -- about sixty. Marcia is a little older than Ed. ED No. The bathroom is off limits -and when I go to sleep they go to other programming. Unless I get up. Then they go back on the air. Unless I get up to go to the bathroom, I guess, then - AL What if--you're vomiting? ED (amazed by the question) What if I'm vomiting? AL Do they show it? ED I guess -- I don't -- it's all in the contract. There's this million-page contract -- RAY Look, can we all just sign the releases so we can get on with this? MARCIA (accusing, to Ed) What happened? You described this "crazy-kooky" family who'd be a million laughs on TV? ED No! I barely even mentioned -it's just that, my friends, the people at work, whoever I'm regularly in contact with they want releases from. MARCIA (angrily) They're gonna mock our foibles. ED Our what? MARCIA Our foibles, our foibles! RAY We don't have foibles. MARCIA Everyone has foibles. Then the whole country sees them on TV and mocks them. Then we have... mocked foibles. JEANTTE Eddie, please don't let them mock our foibles. ED (losing it) Stop saying foibles! MARCIA Look, my life is not so great, that I want it shown on television. And neither is yours. RAY That's the point -- this could change things. MARCIA How? RAY For instance... me and my friend Bucky are buying out my boss. His equipment, trucks, client list, the whole shmear. MARCIA (points to Ed) What does that have to do with... ? RAY If they keep Ed on for one full month, he gets a balloon payment. Ed nods. Pause. RAY (CONT'D) I borrow against that now, at the bank. Buy the business. And Ed becomes a silent partner. Now here's the beauty part. While we're on TV I plug the shit out of the business. Free advertising. AL How about sex? A STUNNED pause. They all look at Al. ED I'11 have to pass, Al. And it's not an age thing -- AL No! Do they show you having sex? ED No. Kissing and hugging, okay, but if it's actual sex they have to cut away. AL At what point? ED At the point -- I don't -- Look you'd be on TV maybe one or two times each. I'11 try to avoid I'11 go out of my way to avoid, getting together with you. Believe me. WE HEAR: A loud drilling sound. CUT TO: 15 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY A WORKMAN is drilling a hole in the wall. Ed is there with a TV CREW. They're running cable and drilling holes and examining the apartment. Cynthia is going around supervising. Ray and Shari are there. Ray is fascinated. Ed is tense. Shari is observant. Ray separates from Ed and Shari and asks one of the Installers a technical question. SHARI AND ED Ed thinks. Ed joins Cynthia. SHARI Are you sure about this? ED Hey, believe me -1 know I've got a great chance of making a fool of myself, here. SHARI Why do it? ED I saw this show once. It was about logging. I was home sick, there was nothing else on. Do you know how they break up really bad log jams? You know, when they're really tangled... ? SHARI Cream rinse? ED (laughs) Dynamite. SHARI So? ED So maybe this is my dynamite. SHARI Dynamite is dangerous. CYNTHIA Ed, can I see you a second. ED (to Shari) Excuse me. CYNTHIA Okay, so you understand? We're installing a permanent camera in your bedroom, one in the kitchen, one in the living room, plus, of course, there'll always be a couple of steady-cams following you. ED (overwhelmed) Cool. CYNTHIA I want you to take this. She gives him a card. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) That has my work number, my home number, my pager number. I sleep three hours a night. Call me whenever you want to talk. Off the air, on the air, whenever. Okay? ED (barely listening) Um, yeah -- thanks. Ed looks kind of overwhelmed. She doesn't like this. CYNTHIA Now look. Don't freeze up on me. I picked you because you had kind of a relaxed, go-with-the-flow quality. You're not going to lose that, are you? ED No, uh... CYNTHIA I bet my career on you. You'd better be good. ED (annoyed) Don't say that. That's like... telling a guy before you have sex you'd better be good. You don't do that. CYNTHIA I do. Ed reacts. ED Oh. 16 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's in bed, watching TV. The news is on. He glances up at one of the cameras. On the news, they go to a story about him. ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Tomorrow morning, the cable channel known as Real TV, begins broadcasting one of the most heavily promoted concepts in the history of cable television. In an experiment that they say will last at least a month. They're going to follow -- live - every waking minute of a thirty-one year old video store clerk from Paramus New Jersey. The Real TV press release on this promises that none of it will be scripted, none of it will be edited and in my opinion, none of it will be interesting. we're all just supposed to sit in front of our TV's and watch this guy... live. (rhymes with "give") ANCHOR (to the Entertainment Reporter) What would be the interest here? What would... get people to tune in? ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Betas me. SIDEKICK I don't know. I might check it out. ANCHOR Well, Len's here to check out sports. Len, would you watch this video clerk? LEN I'd sooner watch soccer. They all CRUCKLE. 17 INT. CYNTHIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT She's watching the same show. She's edgy. She's CRACKING her KNUCKLES. TV SCREEN LEN Speaking of disasters, at the Meadowlands tonight... The set goes off. Ed, once again, stares up at the camera. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: 18 INT. CONTROL TRUCK Written on the screen -- "Day one." A DIRECTOR and TECHNICAL CREW with all the modern equipment. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Here we go. Ten-nine-eight-seven- 19 INT. REAL TV - OFFICES Cynthia and her staff are gathered to watch the show begin They're TENSE and EXCITED. A commercial is on. 20 INT. TRUCK 21 INT. OFFICE A.D. two... one. On the TV, the commercial ends and the Real TV logo appears. A CRAWL BEGINS It says "The following is unedited, unscripted, and unrehearsed. It is the real life of one American citizen named Ed Pekurny." The logo fades away and we see Ed, in bed, sleeping. His ALARM RINGS and he wakes up. He's groggy from sleep. Instinctively, he begins SCRATCHING his balls. As he does, it hits him that this is not a normal morning. He looks up and sees two steady-cam guys at the foot of his bed, aiming their cameras at him. Ed, then, looks at his hand on his balls. Gently, he moves his hand away. 22 INT. OFFICE KEITH (mock cheerful) Well, we're off to a great start. NOTE: The camera operators will change in shifts. We'11 see about four regulars over the course of the film. The one we will see most often is shooting Ed right now. His name is CARLOS. 23 INT. BEDROOM Ed, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, gets out of bed. His hair is sticking up. He passes a mirror and notices his hair. ED Oh, great. He turns to the camera and seems about to offer an excuse for his appearance, but, then, just moves on. ED (CONT'D) Excuse me. He grabs some clothes and enters the bathroom. 24 INT. OFFICE They're not enjoying this. Everyone's staring at Cynthia. She doesn't flinch. NOTE: Silent advertising runs along the bottom of the screen. 25 INT. KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER Ed enters, dressed and showered. The Steady-cam is in his face. Ed is tight. He's much less comfortable than he expected to be. He smiles stiffly at the camera. He's misplaced his natural charm. He gets a box of Pop-tarts out of the freezer. As he does, other stuff falls out of the freezer on to the floor. He's embarrassed. He bends down to pick things up, showing his ass to the camera. 26 INT. OFFICE GREG (to Cynthia) Start clearing a place for your Emmy. 27 INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER Ed is sitting up on the kitchen counter eating his Pop-tarts and a bowl of cereal. ED (nervously) Same people like to put the milk in first and then the cereal. I like to put in the milk first - I mean the cereal first and then the milk. Yeah, that's it. Now, watch this. He takes a KNIFE and a BANANA. He peels the banana. He holds the knife, blade up, over the cereal and chops down on it with the banana, several times, rapidly, slicing it into the cereal. He's proud of this. 28 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray is watching the show. His head is in his hands. He's horrified by how bad Ed is. 29 INT. PARENTS' HOUSE Jeanette and Al watching Ed. JEANETTE (being positive) So far... 30 INT. OFFICE KEITH Somebody shoot me. 31 INT. NETWORK OFFICE Scharlach, Seaver and McIlvaine watching, grim-faced. 32 INT. OFFICE Cynthia is ON the PHONE. CYNTHIA Get him out of the house! I want him moving! 33 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR (on the phone) Hey, I want him dead, but what can I do. 34 INT. KITCHEN Ed is EATING. He peers confused at the camera. ANGLE ON CAMERA OPERATORS. They're signaling Ed to get out. ANGLE ON ED Bewildered, imitating their gestures. ED What... You want me to swim? 35 INT. CONTROL TRUCK The Director is still on the phone. She's watching Ed on a monitor. DIRECTOR Oh God... Ed gets it. ED Oh, out? You want me to go out. 36 EXT. BUILDING Ed exits the building with the Operators walking backwards in front of him, bumping into PEOPLE- People watch, curiously. Ed reaches his car. He takes out his keys and drops them in a muddy puddle. Disgusted, he fishes them out. CUT TO: 36A INT. NETWORK BUILDING Scharlach, watching impassively. CUT TO: 36B INT. ED'S CAR Ed, in the car. He can barely fit the key into the ignition. Carlos, in the passenger seat taps him on the arm. Ed looks up. Carlos holds up a hastily-made sign. "It's okay. Relax, man." Carlos WINKS. This does help Ed. He appreciates it. He drives. WE SEE the control truck in motion. We also see another car with another Steady-cam OPERATOR, shooting Ed's car as they travel. 37 EXT. STREET - MONTAGE Ed is doing his morning errands. A little shopping -- a little banking -- always ON CAMERA. At one point, he WALKS INTO a GLASS DOOR with the word "Pull" on it. He pushed, banging his forehead. A CHILD points to the word "Pull." Ed turns to the camera, embarrassed. Later he buys a slice of pizza at a little place that's doing no business. ED (to the camera) Best pizza in New Jersey. As he walks down the street, PEOPLE call out "Hey Ed!" People in windows show him that they're watching him at that exact moment. The camera shoots some of the people in the windows. They see themselves on TV and they go wild. Ed also is confronted by GUYS grabbing their crotches mockingly, calling out things like "Hey, Ed, holding your own?" or "Hey, Ed, howls the grand ballroom." Ed is slightly chagrined by all this, but handles it with good grace. He seems to be loosening up. 38 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY Ed arrives at work. The store is already open. (Ed usually gets there in the afternoon and stays until closing.) CUSTOMERS are a little stunned by the arrival of a camera. Some know what it's about some don't. The CLERKS are aware of what's going on. They all signed releases. Ed's BOSS greets him stiffly. Clearly he's trying to get face-time on camera. ED Hey, Lou. LOU (stiffly) Welcome to work, Ed. He shakes Ed's hand and smiles at the camera. He WAVES a little. The BROOM GUY crosses, staring transfixed at the camera. He blocks Ed and Lou. He FREEZES, then panics. He tries to get out of the way and trips over his broom. He tumbles face-first into the camera lens, hurting himself. ANGLE ON ED, observing. ED (mutters) Oh, Jesus, I'm dying. 39 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Carlos, give him some air, give him some room. Use a longer lens. We'11 mostly go with the stationary cameras in here. Less intrusive. (to the crew in the truck, sarcastically) Have any of you thought about your next career? 40 INT. A KITCHEN - SAME TIME A WOMAN is serving dinner. She's watching Ed on TV -- really just glancing at it. Her HUSBAND is helping her bring the food to the table. HUSBAND Why are we watching this? WIFE (a little guilty) No reason. just... I just want to see what happens. HUSBAND Nothing's gonna happen. He's just... working. WIFE Oh, come on, they wouldn't put it on if nothing was gonna happen. He changes the channel. She changes it back. He doesn't get it at all. RAPID CUTS of VARIOUS PEOPLE around America, watching -- A couple, a young guy, a woman alone -- ending with a few college-age girls in what appears to be a dorm room. ONE GIRL is watching intently. Her roommates are mostly just hanging around not really watching. COLLEGE GIRL I think he's cute. one of her roommates glances over to see what she's so excited about. 41 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Ed is walking. He passes the little pizza place he touted earlier. There's a LINE out into the street. The STOREOWNER is working hard - - deliriously happy. Ed passes, oblivious to what he's created. 42 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The Camera Operator is shooting Ed in the bathroom CLIPPING his TOENAILS ED Some guys work from the big toe down to the little toe. Not me. I save the big one for last. That's the one I really enjoy. It's thick, it's big, it's a challenge. Did you ever see old people's nails? (makes a disgusted noise) 43 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray and Shari watching Ed. Ray is BANGING HIS HEAD on the table. RAY This is not working. (to Ed on TV) Come to me! 44 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - NIGHT It's late. She's alone. She's ON the PHONE. She's coming apart. CYNTHIA (into phone) No, I haven't seen the spot ratings... (she winces) As she talks, she tries to LIGHT a CIGARETTE. She's shaking too much to use her lighter. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) (into phone) I think that's a number from which we can hopefully, uh... build... ANGRY at her lighter, she throws it breaking a window. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) I disagree... No, I am not ready to pull the plug... Yes, Mr. Scharlach, I know they shoot horses... (getting angry) Look, it's been one day. Can I have a week with this and then have you fly up my nose?! (hangs up) She immediately regrets her outburst. 45 INT. BAR - NIGHT Written on the screen -- "Day Two." OPEN ON TURTLES racing (as only turtles can) across the floor. The turtles have little plastic men, seated on their backs. The CROWD CHEERS and SCREAMS for their favorite turtles. Ed is being followed by the steady-cams but seems to be ignoring it. Ed is in a group which includes John, and Ray. The race ends John looks very uncomfortable. BARTENDER The winner... Dashing Danny. Ed wins. MONEY changes hands. ED Next round's on me. One of the cameras is very close to John. He's very SELFCONSCIOUS. He doesn't look where he's walking. He trips. PEOPLE LAUGH. ED (off-hand joke) Polish acrobat. RAY (loudly) Hey. Check this out. (to the cameramen) Look at this. Ray TAKES OUT a big stack of QUARTERS and sets them on the bar next to a SHOT GLASS 46 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Go with the desperate brother. 47 INT. BAR The cameras go with Ray. Ray does a "spit the quarters off the bar into the shot glass" trick, while PEOPLE CHEER. Ed is standing next to Shari. They're OFF-CAMERA. ED Whoa, God bless Ray. First time I'm off-camera in two days. This is hard, you know? I'm, like, exhausted. ANGLE ON RAY He's BALANCING a BAR STOOL on his forehead. ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI SHARI (calmly) He did that at my parents' house. ANGLE ON RAY As Ray drones on... RAY (selling hard to the camera) Okay, I just wanted to get your attention. My name is Ray and my friend Bucky and I design video systems. You've got an office or a big home, we'11 come out there design you an entire system. ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI ED See, they should've picked him. Look how comfortable he is out there. ANGLE ON RAY SHARI He is so wound up. He bought all new clothes for this. He flips the BAR STOOL and catches it. He accepts the plaudits of the crowd. He returns to Ed and Shari. So do the cameras. Ray is fired-up. RAY Whew! 1 am kicking hairy ass! Ray is still full of energy. RAY (CONT'D) Hey, Ed. Did you hear about Marcia? ED (worried) No. What happened? RAY (to the camera) That's our sister. (to Ed) She's got a new boyfriend. AL AND JEANETTE Watching TV. JEANETTE Who? BACK TO BAR RAY He's living with her! ED (camera-conscious) Ray, maybe this isn't ... RAY No, this is great. (to the camera) You'll love this. (to Ed) He's a singer. ED Marcia's living with a singer? CUT TO: RAY Yeah. You know, piano bars. plays the piano and sings. That's how they met. SHARI He sang to her and they fell in love? RAY (enjoying this) No! Some drunk hit him over the head with his snifter -- you know, that thing they keep on the piano for tips -- and Marcia yanked a big hunk of glass out of his head. (cracks up, pounds the table) 48 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT Marcia is staring at the TV in UNHAPPY SHOCK. Next to her is a good- looking, but slightly sleazy-looking GUY with a bandage on his head. 49 INT. BAR RAY I mean my question is what was she doing in a bar in the first place? ED Ray -- RAY She's an alcoholic, for Christ's sake. ED Oh, Jesus. Marcia, watching, HORRIFIED. BACK TO BAR RAY Remember the last guy she got involved with? What was his name? ED What's the dif -- RAY Richie! (to Shari) She spent six months dating a criminal ED (to Shari) She didn't know he was a criminal. They had a relationship. They -- RAY "Quick pull off the highway" is not a relationship. Oh man, I gotta pee. He KISSES Shari. She COVERS her FACE with her hand. RAY (CONT'D) What are you, hiding from the Police? (pulls her hands down) Show your face, you look great. (to Ed) Doesn't she look great. ED Great. RAY (to Ed) While I'm gone, tell them about our cousin Lenny who's gay. We knew from when he was five. He minces off' effeminately, to the bathroom, LAUGHING. It's like a hurricane has just passed through. Everyone is sitting, STUNNED. ED You do though, you look great. SHARI Right. ED No, no, I -- as soon as you came in tonight I said to John, "Boy Shari looks beautiful." I said it on TV so you can ask anybody who saw it. She LAUGHS. They smile at each other. They make intermittent eye-contact a little self-consciously. Ed finally looks somewhere else and Shari, for just a moment, stares right at him. PULL BACK to TWO GUYS, watching this on TV in a bar -- more of a neighborhood bar. 50 INT. BAR - NIGHT TAD Did you see that? BARRY What? TAD Her. That look. She likes the Ed guy better than she likes the brother. BARRY You're nuts. TAD Okay, I'm nuts. CUTS OF OTHER VIEWERS, WATCHING REAL TV A BEDROOM The COUPLE we met earlier are in bed, the wife is holding the remote. HUSBAND Give me the remote. WIFE Just a few more minutes. Read your book. A LIVING ROOM A GAY COUPLE FIRST GUY What do you like about it? I don't understand. SECOND GUY I don't know -- it just it's I don't know. Just let me watch. 51 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - MORNING "DAY THREE" The ALARM goes off. Ed starts to scratch his balls, but stops halfway down. He WINKS at the camera and starts his day. 52 EXT. EWS BUILDING Ed comes outside and he's accosted by a GROUP of angry Polish Americans, many of whom are carrying signs decrying Polish jokes and anti-Polish attitudes. They SCREAM ANGRILY when they see Ed. Ed is completely shocked. He runs back inside. He locks the door, leaving Carlos outside. The demonstrators attack Carlos. 53 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed is at his kitchen table with several burly DEMONSTRATORS arrayed behind him. Ed is NERVOUSLY, READING from a sheet of paper while Carlos shoots. ED ... my "Polish acrobat" remark was ill-considered. Although, I meant no harm, I should have recognized that such (trouble with the next word) stigmatizing remarks bring pain and anguish to... He's having trouble reading the next word. ED (CONT'D) I can't read my own writing. It's like Chinese -- (quickly backtracking) It's not like Chinese! Chinese is, I'm sure, a beautiful language and they write ... beautifully. It's not Chinese. He wipes sweat away. ED (CONT'D) Jesus, I'm sweating like a Mexican fruit-picker. (realizes) Oh, Christ! QUICK CUTS of Ed, getting his laundry, doing some shopping, getting his oil changed, all being shot by a CAMERA PERSON. 54 INT. DENTAL OFFICE A YOUNG DENTAL HYGIENIST is cleaning Ed's teeth. The camera is practically right in his mouth. It's making the Hygienist NERVOUS. She's distracted. She hurts Ed. He SCREAMS. She SCREAMS. She drops her tools. HYGIENIST (near hysterics) Can I have some room please?! ED (talking with the suction in his mouth) Gi hu roo. 55 INT. TV STUDIO It's an educational-type panel discussion involving various eggheads and pundits. It's called "Viewpoint." MODERATOR Let's change topics for a moment. Does anybody have a viewpoint on something going on now called "Ed TV". PANEL MEMBER #1 This, I believe, is a new low point in American culture. PANEL MEMBER #2 I agree. What it reveals is the absolute creative bankruptcy in the television business. What they're saying, basically, is "We're giving up. We have no ideas." PANEL MEMBER #3 It's worse than that! They don't select someone with any talent, or with something to say -- they seem to celebrate the fact that this guy is a boob. It's a joyous celebration of boobery. PANEL MEMBER #4 I think we've already spent far too much time discussing this. They all agree. 56 INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT OPEN ON Ray with chopsticks up his nose, imitating a walrus. Also, he has lo mein noodles protruding from between his lips. Ed is forcing a smile. Ray is wearing a tee-shirt that says "Ray and Bucky- Video Kings" with a phone number. 57 INT. REAL TV OFFICE Cynthia is alone working late. She's drinking. She's watching Ray. She's not enjoying him. ED (V.O.) Ray, don't throw the shrimp, you're gonna choke again. CYNTHIA Choke to death, you boring bastard. 58 INT. EWS BEDROOM - NIGHT Ed is sitting up in bed, wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, eating directly out of a cereal box. TERRY The audience likes you when you're moving. ALICE Yes. Try not to stay in one place too long. Get outside as much as you can. KEITH Also, we have some notions. Have you thought about becoming a Big Brother? GREG Or coaching a Little League team? FELICIA How about a date? ED Are you asking me? FELICIA No, I mean... KEITH It's just, the ratings are still soft. LONG PAUSE ED (nervously) Are you going to cancel me? CYNTHIA Let's not worry about that vet. ALICE You're testing well. FELICIA There's another problem. GREG It's ... Ray. ED What about Ray? GREG Well, the walrus impression - delightful as it was -- is just not wowing the audience. This is some audience research. He hands Ed a PRINTOUT. Ed doesn't know how to interpret the figures. ED What does this mean? FELICIA It means they hate his freaking guts. It means if he were on fire they wouldn't put him out. ED He's just ... trying a little too hard -- CYNTHIA Ed, the audience can smell the desperation coming through the screen. TERRY Could you... see him a little less often? ED How much less? FELICIA Never would be plenty. ED I can't do that to him. He's pushing a little too hard - but... I just can't do that to him. SILENCE ED (CONT'D) He'11 be fine. 59 INT. CAR - DAY "DAY FIVE" Ed is driving slowly on a busy street. Suddenly an EIGHTEEN YEAR-OLD BOY lands heavily on Ed's windshield. Ed is badly startled. He can't see. He swerves and stops. The boy is not hurt. He's banging on the windshield, waving at the camera. Ed, furious, gets out. 60 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ED What the --?! BOY I'm on TV! I'm on TV! Ed just stares in disbelief. 61 EXT. STREET - LATER Ed is walking. PEOPLE YELL at him. GUY Ed! Your show stinks! The Guy LAUGHS like he really got in a good one. Ed ignores him. TWO TEENAGERS run in, one has a camera and quickly snaps a picture of Ed and the other Guy. Merrily, they shake his hand and run off, whooping. There are PEOPLE who trail along. Many of them will show up again and again, throughout the movie, following Ed. Some of them will look mentally or emotionally impaired. 62 INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT QUICK SHOTS of Ed with CUSTOMERS - One or two show a bit of camera-consciousness. A little group has gathered to observe Ed's "show". 63 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY- NIGHT Ed rings the bell. ED (to the camera) This is Ray's apartment. Ray's got a big-screen TV and the Knicks are playing in L.A. tonight, so sometimes I come over after I work late and we watch the game here. He makes funny comments. He's really a good guy. He just... RAY (O.C.) Who is it? ED It's me, Ed. The door opens a crack, revealing Ray in a bathrobe. Ray's look is unwelcoming. RAY Hi. ED You watching the ballgame? RAY Uh, no, uh I'm a little tired. I fell asleep. ED Oh. All right. I'11 watch at home, then. RAY Yeah... WOMAN (O.C.) Ray, where do you keep the glasses? ED Oh, is Shari here? Why didn't you just say so? Why are you giving me a song-and-dance about being tired? ED (CONT'D) (calls out) Hi, Shari. WOMAN (O.C.) Who's Shari? ED Who's -- Ray looks pained. Ed realizes what's happening and freezes Ray's phone RINGS. RAY Oh shit... He turns to answer his phone, allowing the door to swing open a little. Ed can see into the kitchen. He sees a WOMAN, wearing just panties, facing away from him, searching for glasses. RAY (into phone) Hello... Shari, hi... Oh no! ... Oh God! ED (to the camera) We'd better go... RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS loving this, some screaming "Don't go!, don't leave, stay" etc. BACK TO SCENE RAY (into phone) No, honey, it's not what it looks like-- She hangs up on him. He holds his head. RAY Oh God ... Ed! 64 INT. HALLWAY Ed is TIP-TOEING away. He stops when Ray calls him. Ray 'runs out into the hallway after him. They speak with lowered voices. RAY That was Shari. She saw the whole thing on TV-- ED What is this? What's going on, who is that? RAY (embarrassed) It's the receptionist at one of the places I service video equipment -- she's very pretty and, you know, she never even talks to me and then today I come in and she's all "I saw you on TV the other night... You were so great ... " Next thing I know we're ... ED Next thing you know! Why didn't you stop? RAY Stop? I'm a guy. I don't stop. The woman's supposed to stop. We're the gas, they're the brakes. WOMAN (O.C.) (calls out) Ray, I finished the Snapple. RAY Fine! WOMAN (O.C.) Is there more? RAY In the cabinet, but it's warm. There's ice in the tray. I (to Ed) Talk to her. ED I don't even know her. All I know is she likes Snapple. RAY No, not her. Shari. Go over there and talk to her 65 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM CYNTHIA Yes! Go! She THROWS SOMETHING at the screen. She PICKS UP the PHONE. 66 INT. HALLWAY ED Why me? RAY You brought the cameras here! ED You brought the girl! RAY Please! ED If I go over to Shari, the camera's going there, too. The Camera Operators are vigorously nodding and mouthing "Yes, Go." Ray is oblivious to this, but Ed picks it up. RAY That's good. She'11 -- you know control herself. Look. If I go over there, she's just gonna slam the door on me. Just go over and beg her to talk to me, that's all. Please. You owe me for this! Ed accepts the irony of Ray's attitude without comment 67 INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY- NIGHT The door opens, revealing RITA, Shari's roommate. RITA (nervously) Um... Shari knew you were coming over because she saw ... ED Right, yeah -- RITA (apologetic) She really doesn't want you and the camera in here right now. ED No, I understand. That's - where is she, is she all right? Rita isn't sure how much she should reveal. RITA I ... gave her a drink. I thought it ... but she's not much of a drinker, so it's made her a little... belligerent. Shari appears in the doorway over Rita's shoulder. she's holding a liquor bottle and she's a little drunk. SHARI What do you want?! ED (awkward) Shari, I'm just really sorry. Look, I know this is... unbelievably awkward, but if I could come in for like a second and -- you know -- just say... two words, then... Shari indicates with her head, that Ed can come in. Ed and Carlos enter. Rita shuts the door. Shari crosses to a couch. Ed indicates for Carlos to give them some distance. 68 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR Don't lose them, Carlos. This is gold. Stay out of their way, but get everything. 69 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Carlos settles across the room. He rests the camera down as if he's not even shooting, but he's still guiding it where he wants it throughout the scene. RITA I'm gonna go to bed. (to Shari) You okay? Shari shrugs. RITA (CONT'D) Good night. She gives the camera a quick glance. RITA (CONT'D) (quickly, with a small wave) Hi, Mom. (she exits) ED Shari, Ray feels -- SHARI (starting to cry) Don't defend that horse's ass to me. ED I'm not. I'm not. I'm just Look -- you know, in a way, it's good. He got this out of his system now and he knows it's not worth it and, you know, someday if you guys got married or something -- SHARI Ha! ED Okay ... SHARI (poking Ed as she talks) I've got news for you-- I never intended to marry him. ED Oh... how come? 70 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray, watching on TV. 71 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT SHARI Well, for one thing, he's a bad lay. 72 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT His eyes bulge out and he begins to gasp. RAPID SHOTS of viewers reacting-- "Whoa!" laughs, etc. The college girls applauding. one of them SCREAMS "Tell it!" 73 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Ed realizes that Ray's been called a "bad lay" on television. ED Oh my God. SHARI (directly into the camera) I mean bad. ED Look, not having been there... I just think you're hurt and you're saying this to, you know, get back at him. She starts to cry. ED (CONT'D) Look... whether you get back together or not, you're too terrific a person to... lower yourself like this. 74 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray, still in shock. 75 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT ED (CONT'D) I mean, I told Ray -- a couple of times -- that I thought you were one of the best and ... smartest and... most attractive women I've ever seen so... In comforting her, he's gotten his face very close to hers. 76 INT. DORMITORY Same dorm girls as before. DORM GIRL Kiss him! Kiss him! BACK TO SCENE SHARI Really? ED Yeah. She tilts her head forward a little, hesitates, then kisses him, at first warmly, then passionately. 77 INT. DORM ROOM The girls are going wild-- SCREECHING. 78 INT. TAD'S HOUSE TAD I'm nuts, hah?! I knew it! I said! He dials the phone. 79 INT. JOHN'S HOUSE John is stunned. JOHN Oh, Jesus! 80 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT He stares, amazed. The WOMAN he was found with appears behind him. WOMAN I found the Snapple. 81 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM She sees the kiss. CYNTHIA Yes! Yes! I win! Scharlach, you schmuck! I am the golden goddess of television! She begins beating her chest, one fist at a time while she SCREAMS in triumph. 82 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Shari and Ed have stopped kissing. They both look stunned. Shari is suddenly sober. SHARI Oh my God. She looks at Carlos who has now moved closer to them SHARI (CONT'D) Oh my God. ED It's... okay SHARI I kissed my boyfriend's brother on television! ED Well, when you put it that way. SHARI Leave. Go. ED Can't we just -- SHARI Go! ED (exiting) All right. Okay. I'11 ... see you. He and Carlos exit. Going through the door, he gives Carlos a little push then quickly steps back inside, slams the door and locks it. 83 INT. CONTROL TRUCK CARLOS (V.O.) I'm locked out. DIRECTOR Stay calm. Shoot the door. We're running sound. And we've got a camera in the street. 84 EXT. BUILDING A CAMERA is shooting at a second-story window. We SEE SILHOUETTES. 85 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Ed is at the door. Shari is across the room. They stare at each other silently. Then they run to each other. They kiss again. 86 EXT. BUILDING We can SEE them KISSING... 87 INT. APARTMENT Ed and Shari are all over each other. They're breathless. SHARI What are we doing? ED I've got to tell you something. I have had a big thing for you for months. INTERCUT WITH SHOTS OF VIEWERS They're seeing the door or the silhouette shot, but they're hearing every word. They're mesmerized. SHARI Really? ED Yeah. I mean for months I've been seeing you with Ray you being his girlfriend and I kept wishing you were my girlfriend... But, you know, what could I do? SHARI Me too. I mean I'm going out with Ray and I'm... thinking about you. ED Really? SHARI Oh God, this is so weird. ED Weird? If this happened last month it would've been weird. Now with... the TV and... now it's just too weird. They look at each other. They don't know what to do. ED (CONT'D) I'd better go. She nods. He walks to the door. ED (CONT'D) Once more? She nods. They run back to each other and kiss. 88 EXT. BUILDING The silhouettes are kissing. 89 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray staring at the TV. 90 EXT. PRIVATE HOME - LATER "DAY SIX" This is a fairly old, modest private home. Ed pulls up. He and Carlos get out of the car. Ed hurries up to the front door and enters. 91 INT. HOME - CONTINUOUS Ed enters. He's a little AGITATED ANGLE ON AL ED Hi, Al. Al is in his wheelchair and taking periodic hits off an oxygen mask connected to a tank. Al's watching himself on TV. AL (excited) Look. It's me. He WAVES. ED Yeah. I brought you some movies. AL Anything good? They LAUGH. ED No, I intentionally picked out a lot of crap 'cause I don't like you. ED (CONT'D) Is Mom here? I gotta talk to her. AL She's in the kitchen. I'd yell for her, but I'd die. (sucks more oxygen) You had a busy night last night. ED (calls) Yeah. Ma... JEANETTE (O.C.) Eddie? ... ED Yeah? JEANETTE (O.C.) Are the TV people with you? ED Yeah. The camera guy is here. JEANETTE (O.C.) Send him away. ED Send him? Ma, I can't. it's -- just come out here. Please, I -- JEANETTE (O.C.) No. ED Do you want us to come in the kitchen? JEANETTE (O.C.) No. It's a mess. ED Look, Ma, come on out. Really. I need to talk to you. After a pause, Jeanette enters, very camera-conscious. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) This is my mother. STIFFLY, he gives her a kiss. ED (CONT'D) Ma, do you know where Ray is? I've been calling him and I'm getting his machine and -- JEANETTE Eddie, how could you do it? Your brother's girlfriend. ED Hey, he cheated on her. JEANETTE He made a mistake. ED I don't want to -- do you know where he is? JEANETTE No. Maybe he's watching. (indicates the camera) Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you'11 stay away from that girl. ED No! And that girl has a name. AL What do you love her or something? ED (embarrassed) Come on... AL (teasing) Look at your face. I had a car that color. VARIOUS REACTIONS OF VIEWERS really liking this. BACK TO SCENE JEANETTE I know you. This Shari is a passing fancy. ED No! I -- All right, look, if you hear from Ray.... tell him to call me, okay? He KISSES her again. ED (CONT'D) How's Marcia? She all right? JEANETTE I don't know. She's living with that "entertainer"... ED (trying to make his mother feel better) Well, who knows? Maybe she finally picked a winner this time. JEANETTE (unconvinced) Mm. ED You and Al lived together a few months before you got married -- after Dad left. JEANETTE (looks at the TV) Oh my God! ED I mean, that worked out. JEANETTE Oh my God!! She gets in the closet and closes the door. 92 INT. OFFICE ED (to the camera) I think we're through here. The Real TV group is there. They're smiling. Cynthia is ON the PHONE CYNTHIA (into phone) I will. I'11 tell them. (hangs up) That was Scharlach. All of you, scrub your asses. He's coming over to kiss them. They all WHOOP and LAUGH. 93 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - DAY Shari and Rita are watching Ed leave his parents house on TV. Rita is very excited. Shari is ON the PHONE. SHARI (into phone) Um, I'd like to get a new phone number, please... Because I'm getting calls from every nut case in America... Right, unlisted... Sure. (she holds) RITA Aren't you excited? He said he loved you on television! SHARI He didn't say it. His stepfather said it. RITA (joking) Well, the stepfather's cute... Seriously, how do you feel about Ed? Pause. SHARI I think he's great. He just makes me feel... oh, I'm really gonna get hurt, this time - Hello ... CUTS OF VARIOUS VIEWERS WATCHING REAL TV End on TAD and BARRY in a health club. This is the refreshment area. They've played racquetball and they're sweaty. They're watching Real TV. TAD I'11 tell you something else. The old guy in the wheelchair? The stepfather? They're gonna have him die. BARRY What do you mean "they're gonna have him die?" TAD You know, for a tearjerker. The audience falls in love with this loveable old geezer in a wheelchair and then he dies, it's ... They know what they're doing. BARRY This is real, Bananahead! TAD So? BARRY So if it's a show and they have a guy die that's writing, but if it's real and they have a guy die that's murder. 94 EXT. VIDEO STORE - DAY Ed arrives for work. People CALL OUT to him-- PEDESTRIANS, PEOPLE FROM CARS, TRUCK DRIVERS. "Hey Ed, my man." Ed waves. People shake his hand. A teenage boy looks into the camera, making a funny face. Someone else looks into the camera and says, "Hi, Ma." Suddenly, Ray is there with a WOMAN. Ray is not happy. He's wearing DARK GLASSES and a HAT. RAY Hi. Ed stops. ED ... Ray? RAY Yeah. ED Oh, man, I've been trying to call you. RAY I know. ED Look, we gotta talk. RAY Save it. A GUY in a car appears and points at Ray. GUY Hey, you're that French guy on TV. RAY French guy? GUY Monsieur Bad-a-lay. The guy drives away. Ray is steaming. RAY Let me just do what I came here to do. Ed thinks he means to fight. Ed tries to calm him. ED What are we gonna fight? Ray, please, listen to me -- RAY (beckoning) Cassie... CASSIE, a woman about Ray's age, steps forward. She's slightly self-conscious. RAY (CONT'D) Go ahead. Ray points Cassie to the camera. CASSIE This is really hard. RAY You promised me. CASSIE (to the camera) I went out with Ray a few years ago for... a couple of months. And we... were intimate. And. he's really not as bad as that girl said he was. Ray nods. CASSIE (CONT'D) I mean, I've definitely had worse. RAY That's enough. Ed is amazed that Ray would do this. RAY (CONT'D) (to Ed) Good-bye, brother! ED Ray, come an-- Ray leaves, still angry. Cassie lingers. CASSIE (flirting slightly) So you're Ed. Ray returns and yanks Cassie away with him. Ed still hasn't recovered from the bizarreness he just witnessed. Two girls YELL in unison from across the street. GIRLS Ed... we love you! 95 INT. REAL TV OFFICE - NIGHT Cynthia and her staff, around a conference call box. CYNTHIA We're not going to be able to come over there for anymore midnight meetings. People are starting to watch your building. The interest level in you is soaring. INTERCUT WITH: 95A INT. ED'S BEDROOM. Ed's OFF-CAMERA ED Soaring is good, right? I mean, that means you're not gonna cancel me, right? KEITH (sotto) Man, he wants that balloon payment. ED (V.O.) Huh? TERRY Ed, why didn't you go over to see Shari today? That's what all our viewers were hoping you'd do. ED Isn't she great? I mean, maybe just to me, but... I don't know, she's just -- TERRY (impatiently) She's great, she's great. Why didn't you go see her? ED I wanted to! I was dying to! But... GREG Is it Ray? (pulls out research) The audience hates Ray. Females, 18 to 35 -- ED No, I don't need to hear that. Cynthia? CYNTHIA Yes, Ed. ED Could we just talk alone for a second? I -- CYNTHIA Good idea. (to her staff) Could you all leave us alone for a few minutes? She PANTOMIMES for them to stay in the room, but be quiet. The staff scrape chair legs and feign movement and ad lib "Bye Ed", "See you, buddy" etc. They all stay. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) How you doing, Ed? ED I feel like when I was a kid and my mother sent me to school in orange corduroy pants. CYNTHIA (no clue) Uh-huh? ED And all the kids stared calling me "Pumpkin Ass." "Hey Pumpkin Ass," -- for like a year. So, now, I feel like everyone's watching me and, you know, I'm "Pumpkin Ass" again. The staff are stifling giggles. CYNTHIA Can I tell you something? I think you are fantastic. I think you have taken an idea and turned it into something explosive. The staff stifle laughter. One of the guys is doing a jerk-off gesture. Cynthia gives them the finger. ED Yeah? CYNTHIA Can I give you one bit of advice? About Shari? ED Sure. CYNTHIA A woman wants to be pursued. 96 EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY Shari, in her Fed-ex uniform is making a delivery. A WOMAN's signing for it. WOMAN This is so exciting! A real celebrity delivering my figs. SHARI (uncomfortable) Sign here, please. WOMAN That Ray was a pig. Ed is doll. You latch on to him honey. SHARI By the X. WOMAN Some more make-up wouldn't do you any harm. On TV you look a little washed out. SHARI What would I actually have to do to get you to sign this? WOMAN (insulted) Oh, an TV a minute and already an attitude. SHARI (annoyed) By the X. That's were two lines cross -- forming an X. ANGRILY, the Woman signs and slams the door. She heads back to her truck. She looks up and Ed is there with flowers. The TV cameras are there also. Shari is startled. But she's also glad to see him. SHARI What are you doing? ED I missed you. She's camera-shy. ED (CONT'D) You know, I never saw you in your uniform before. SHARI Yeah, well... They both LAUGH. ED It's really a tremendous turnoff. SHARI You should see the one we wear when it rains. ED Sunday night at the Devils game, I'm driving the Zamboni. SHARI The what? ED You know, the big machine that cleans the ice. SHARI Oh yeah. ED It's quite an honor. Will you come with me? She looks at the camera. ED (CONT'D) (gently) Look, I know this is weird. But... I don't want to wait. I really think we might have something together. Don't you? EMBARRASSED, she nods. ED (CONT'D) Come on. Be my zamboni date. She doesn't say "no." They KISS -- a little hesitantly, not passionately, but affectionately. She's still self-conscious, but she's going with the flow. 97 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE They're watching. They CHEER and high-five each other. 98 INT. SHORT MONTAGE Ed and Shari dating. She's shy, but she really likes Ed. He likes her and is very sweet to her. 1) Ed and Shari some place like "Tavern on the Green." She looks pretty. He's very happy. 2) They come out of a club. TOURISTS photograph them. Shari is a little disconcerted. Ed takes out a little camera of his own and photographs the tourists. This makes Shari laugh and relaxes her. 3) HOCKEY ARENA CLOSE-UP of Ed, driving the Zamboni. He's loving it. He WAVES to Shari. SHARI IN THE STANDS, watching. She waves and smiles. The ice, a WIDER SHOT. The Zamboni is, basically out of control. Carlos is sliding along the ice, shooting Ed as the Zamboni zig-zags dangerously, eventually crashing into the boards, shattering the Plexiglas. 99 INT. LOCAL ROCK CLUB - NIGHT It's very CROWDED. Claustrophobic. Loud. Ed and Shari enter just to see the show. They're spotted. The Crowd, which is already fired up by the music, sees them. It starts out okay, people crowding around, patting Ed on the back. A CHANT begins "Ed, Ed, Ed..." Pretty soon it drowns out the music. More people press towards Ed. It's too crowded -- dangerous. Shari is swept away from Ed. She's buffeted about, violently. She goes down. Ed can't move. The Crowd is friendly and happy, but the effect is scary. 100 EXT. ROCK CLUB - A FEW MINUTES LATER BOUNCERS squeeze Ed and Shari out the door, protecting them. Ed is unnerved. Shari is somewhat bedraggled. Her clothing is torn. 101 INT. ED'S KITCHEN - DAY Ed is ON the PHONE. INTERCUT WITH: CYNTHIA'S OFFICE Yeah?! ED They tore her dress! ... CYNTHIA We're going to get you a bodyguard, don't worry. Ed, I have some news for you. We're picking up Ed TV for another month! ED (excited) Yeah?! CYNTHIA That means a balloon payment and a big raise for the second month. ED Stand back -- I'm about to do my Happy Dance. He does. 102 INT. RESTAURANT Ed and Shari are EATING. So is a HUGE MAN sitting between them. His name is MOE. 103 INT. ROLLER RINK Ed and Shari are SKATING. Up ahead of them, Moe, (on skates) is plowing into people, knocking them over. 104 INT. PIZZA JOINT - NIGHT Ed and Shari get up to leave. They look at each other, very affectionately. They want to kiss. The cameras are close. Ed is wearing a jacket. He spreads it out wide to block Shari's face from the cameras. He leans in and they KISS on the lips, several times, while Ed's jacket screens off the cameras. They're in love. 105 INT. TV NEWS SHOW- THREE WEEKS LATER Written on the screen -- "Day 26." It's the same news team we met earlier. ANCHOR Well, welve had pet rocks, hula hoops, Davy Crockett, Beatle wigs, and leisure suits. But America's latest craze is a guy named Ed. Here with that story is entertainment reporter, Rick Douglas. ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Pat, four weeks ago, no one in America had even heard of Ed Pekurny. Today, this thirty-one year-old video store clerk has become something of a national obsession. The words viewers use to describe him are "charming," "natural," and "appealing." And ratings indicate that "Ed TV" is being watched by more people, each day, than any show in the history of cable television. CUT TO: A SHOT of Scharlach being interviewed. A CAPTION identifies him. SCHARLACH This idea just came to me. I told my staff -- if people just tune in twice a day for five minutes we're a hit. Sometimes you gotta go with your gut feeling. CUT TO: 106 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE She's watching. She's ANGRY. CYNTHIA Sure it came to you! Because I brought it to you! (raises her fist) You want a gut feeling?! How about a groin feeling?! (raises her foot) BACK TO NEWS REPORT ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER Ed TV has become so popular that when Ed goes to sleep Real TV is running highlights of Ed's day all night. Some viewers have become obsessed with Ed. They wake up when Ed wakes up, they go to sleep when Ed goes to sleep, and in between they try to watch as much of him as possible. A SERIES OF MAN-IN-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS. WOMAN #1 (casually) Yeah, I watch it... More than I'd like to admit sometimes. MAN (about fifty) Never... no... YOUNGER MAN Honestly? ... I try not to go to the bathroom until Ed goes to the bathroom so I won't miss anything. A GUY in an ice cream store. ICE CREAM GUY Watch this! Like Ed. He slices a banana the way Ed does. WOMAN #2 I just kind of leave it an, you know, so it's... there. THREE TEEN-AGE GIRLS TEEN-AGER #l I don't like Shari. She's ... needy. TEEN-AGER #2 I like her. She's sweet. TEEN-AGER #1 She just rubs me the wrong way. TEEN-AGER #3 I'm so glad they got rid of Ray. He was creepy. CUT TO: YOUNG GUYS GUY #1 To me, this Shari is like nothing. GUY #2 She's not even hot. I mean Ed's a celebrity. If that was me, I'd be dating the goods. GUY #1 There's something wrong with her. She's definitely not hot. GUY #2 Not hot. Not. 107 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT She's watching this, wearing a bathrobe. Her self-esteem is being crushed. 108 INT. TV STUDIO This is an "E TV" kind of gossip show. The host -- a YOUNG WOMAN -- is showing film of Ed and Shari getting out of Ed's car. The film freeze-frames. Shari has an unflattering look on her face. GOSSIP QUEEN What's wrong with her! Everytime you look at this chick, it's like she badly needs a Tampax. Ed, you can do better. Shari watching, in horror. 109 INT. DELICATESSAN - NIGHT Ed and Shari are on a date. A WAITRESS is taking their order. Shari still seems a little self-conscious, but Ed is having a ball. ED I'11 have... (to Shari) Get this -- (to the waitress) I'11 have the "Ed." SHARI I'm stunned. A WOMAN with her young SON approach. WOMAN Mr. Pekurny. I'm sorry to bother you. My son would just love to have your autograph. ED No problema. (to the boy) You want a picture? The boy nods. ED (CONT'D) Moe. MOE, the Bodyguard, in the next booth hands Ed a glossy of Ed and a pen. Ed signs it. ED (CONT'D) Take this around the corner to Frame World, they'll give you a discount. The Woman and Child leave. ED (CONT'D) (to Shari) Oh -- Sunday is good for me to meet your folks. We get a big family audience on Sundays so it works out. SHARI (ironic) That's lucky. ED Saturday, I think we should A PHONE RINGS Ed takes a phone out of his pocket. ED (CONT'D) (plugging) Compliments of Motorola. Hello... Marcia?? (to Shari) My sister. -- What? ... What, right now? ... I'm eating, I'm on a date! ... Well, where's your boyfriend -- what's his name? Cliff .... Then, call a cab... (wearily) All right. Look, just don't start any trouble okay. Just sit there quietly 'til I get there... you're welcome. He HANGS UP. He's disgusted. 110 INT. CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER ED This used to be a regular thing. And the worst part, is while she'd be waiting for me to come down to some bar and get her, she'd start up with some guy and say "Wait 'til my brother gets here, he'11 kick your ass." So then I walk in and there's some rhinoceros in a windbreaker who tries to shove me into a shot glass. And Marcia's drunk and screaming "Kick his ass, Ed. Kick his ass." (looks out) I think this is it. 111 INT. BAR It's not a seedy dive. Ed and Shari and the camera operators enter. A CUSTOMER approaches. CUSTOMER Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You're the guy on TV. ED What was the tip-off? The enormous camera? CUSTOMER Watch this. The guy does Ed's "Happy Dance." CUSTOMER (CONT'D) See, like you. ED Yeah. Keep up the good work. Ed brushes by him. He sees a WOMAN passed out at a table. ED (CONT'D) Oh great. He prepares to lift her. MARCIA (O.C.) Ed. He turns and sees Marcia standing there. MARCIA (CONT'D) What are you doing? ED Hm? I'm, uh... Why isn't this drunken woman you? He lets go of the woman. Her head bounces on the table. ED (CONT' D) What's going on? Why did you want me to come down here? Marcia guides them into chairs. MARCIA Cliff is here. He's performing. I wanted you to see him. For a second, Ed doesn't get it. Then. ED Oh! Oh -- okay, now I get it. It's "Star Search." You wanted me here because the camera comes with me. MARCIA Ed, he needs a break. You don't know what kind of bad luck he's had -- ED I can imagine. You said you wanted nothing to do with this. You swore to me. "Don't come near me. Don't bring this into my life..." MARCIA For God sakes, you said two words about some lousy pizza joint, the guy's a millionaire now. This could be my whole future we're talking about. (to Shari) Hi, I'm Ed's sister. SHARI (politely) I've heard so much about you. 112 INT. BAR - LATER Cliff is in the middle of his show. He's wearing a PORTABLE ORGAN. He's not great. He's a smalltime professional with a lot of pep. Marcia is beaming. Ed's cameras are shooting him. CUTS OF Cliff, singing every type of song, imaginable. This guy is desperately trying to cover all the bases -- i.e. Sinatra-type standards, something from "Lion King", "Do Ya' Think I'm Sexy," "Smokin' in the Boy's Room," "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees," the theme from "Hawaii Five-0," a rap number, and "Ave Maria." ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI ED (sotto) I wish my stepfather was here. SHARI Why? ED He could give me some oxygen. 113 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER Ed and Shari are KISSING. CUTAWAYS TO VIEWERS TAD AND BARRY BARRY Oh boy! Here we go! Ed is passionate. JEANETTE AND AL JEANETTE (cringing) Euuw... RAY Fuming. BACK TO ED AND SHARI SHARI Um... ED What? She indicates the camera. Ed tries to allay her fears. ED (CONT'D) I told you. If we... you know do it, they go away until ... we're done. SHARI I know, but even if they go away, everybody in America knows what we're doing because... they went away. ED So? What do they think -- we're not kids -- SHARI (overlapping) I know, I ... ED (overlapping) Shari, I really like you... SHARI (overlapping) I really like you too... ED ...if this ... (the camera) ... weren't here... ? SHARI ... yeah, then, but... CUTAWAYS ED So...? SHARI Ed... I think we should stop seeing each other. The guys who said she wasn't hot. They applaud. THE DORM GIRLS They're booing Shari. A BAR A very attractive woman (JILL) and her friend. JILL That girl's an idiot. BACK TO ED AND SHARI ED What?... Why? SHARI (starting to weep) I can't take it anymore... GUYS WHO DON'T THINK SHE'S HOT They mock her, crying "Boo hoo hoo" and pretending to rub their eyes. BACK TO ED AND SHARI SHARI (crying) I have no privacy. Even now! I'm crying and I can't stop and they won't go away. And now it's going to be another month! ED Shari... SHARI Everybody hates me! ED No. Who? SHARI Look at this. She picks up a N.Y. POST. SHARI (CONT'D) Page three of the Post. ED (knows what it is) Ohh... SHARI A poll. "Is Shari Good Enough for Ed?" Seventy-one per cent said "no." (crying) They hate me! ED Who cares? I don't ca -- No. I do care. (to the camera) Shame on everybody. Shame on you! Well, just the seventy-one percent. The other... (he can't do the math) SHARI Twenty-nine. ED Exactly. Boy, you're smart. (to the camera) Why are you so mean to her? What did she do to you? (picks up newspaper) "Is she good enough for Ed?" Who the hell am I? (sarcastically) Who the hell do you think I should be dating? SHARI There's a list. ED Really? (he looks) SHARI Ed? He doesn't hear her. He's scanning the list. ED Wow... 114 INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW (OR SOMETHING) Ed is a guest. DAVE I'm out here an hour a night and I feel like a dork. You're on every minute! Doesn't it just drive you nuts? ED (cheerfully) Yeah. LAUGHS. DAVE All this fame and the money you're making. Is this going to change you, do you think? ED God, I hope so. BIGGER LAUGHS. 115 INT. GREEN ROOM - LATER It's after the show. Ed is getting ready to leave. John is with him, keeping him company. A. P.A. is giving Ed a bag of gifts. (Of course, Ed is still on Ed TV.) PRODUCTION ASSISTANT You've got a ham in there and Dave's book and -- ED Hey, if it's free, it's me. (to John) You ready? JOHN Yeah. You did good. What's wrong? ED Aah, I wanted Shari to come. JOHN Oh -- so I'm just, what -- a poor substitute? He KISSES John. ED (easily) Yeah. (to the camera) Honey, if you're watching this is for you. JOHN No! Don't -- (new subject) Oh, wow. ED What? ANGLE ON JILL IN THE HALLWAY (We met her earlier in a cutaway.) She's saying good-bye to a CASTING ASSISTANT. JOHN No more calls, we have a winner. Jill looks up, sees Ed and walks right up to him JILL Hi. ED Hi. SECURITY steps forward. ED (CONT'D) It's all right. They step back. JILL I'm Jill. I really like your show. I think you're great. ED Thanks... That's ... Shari, watching this on television. JILL You must be John. JOHN I'm trying to remember. JILL (to Ed) Well, I don't want to bother you, I'm just -- I was here auditioning for a skit. You know, one of those things where Dave goes around town with models and whatever... ED Oh, yeah, I love those. Yeah... those are funny... JILL Well, it was really nice meeting you and, uh... (checks her watch) I'd better get a cab. But she doesn't leave. ED Um... They gave me a limo, uh... JILL Oh, great! Thanks. I'm just going uptown. She takes his arm and leads him out. 116 INT. HEALTH CLUB - NEXT DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 28" Two WOMEN on Stairmasters. WOMAN V11 bet he goes out with her. It's like those actors -- as soon as they get famous -- Pfft - there goes the wife. 117 EXT. COLLEGE The dorm girls. 118 INT. POKER GAME COLLEGE GIRL He'll never cheat on Shari! The game includes Tad and Barry. 119 INT. TV STUDIO BARRY You think she really likes him? TAD She doesn't give a shit about him. BARRY You know what would be great? TAD What? BARRY If Ray would steal this girl from Ed. That would be great. POKER PLAYER #2 You know what would be even better? BARRY What? POKER PLAYER #2 If you shut your hole and played cards. Goddam pineapple brothers. The same eggheads who, earlier, had no interest in Ed. Now they're all worked up. PANEL MEMBER #1 But he's not a normal person anymore. He's a celebrity. We're no longer observing anyone's "real life." PANEL MEMBER #2 (disagreeing) But that's what's interesting! The effect of celebrity on an otherwise average person. PANEL MEMBER #3 But do you really feel that Ed is an average person? I mean this guy seems to have a... magnetism, a charisma that, I think, transcends the entire concept. PANEL MEMBER #4 I agree. He's special. They all nod. 120 INT. EWS APARTMENT - DAY " DAY 34 " Ed is opening letters and packages. There are piles of them ED This is from a girl named Tawny... this goes in the nude picture pile. Thank you, Tawny. He places it in a large pile. He opens another envelope. ED (CONT'D) Let's see. Ed stares and his smile disappears. ANGLE ON THE MAIL A picture of Ed's face with his body drawn underneath it. The body is spurting blood and is mutilated. Ed stares at it. ED Well. This is creative. This goes in the psychopath pile. The DOORBELL RINGS. ED Oh, I hope that's not this guy. (indicates psycho letter) He PICKS UP a baseball bat and crosses to the door. He opens the door. A handsome man in his early sixties is there. His name is HANK. HANK Hello. ED Hi. Ed waits. HANK You don't recognize me. ED No. Am I supposed to? Hank shrugs. Ed stares at him, then begins to look a little shaken. 121 INT. EWS MOTHER'S HOUSE Jeanette is putting a jar in the refrigerator. She glances at the television. She drops the jar. It SHATTERS... 122 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT Marcia is with her half-Asian son ANDY. She's serving his dinner. OFF-CAMERA we HEAR Cliff SINGING and the DOG HOWLING in distress. Glancing at the television, Marcia gasps. 123 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT Ray is TYPING on a word processor. He stares curiously at the television. 124 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed is staring at Hank doubtfully. HANK It's me, Hank -- your father. RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS, excited. Many of them reach for the phone. 125 INT. REAL TV OFFICE The Real TV staff react. Cynthia looks over-- stunned. ALICE (to Cynthia) Did you do this? Did you find him and get him to-- CYNTHIA No way... Oh, this just keeps getting better. 126 INT. AL AND JEANETTE'S HOUSE - DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 35" Ed and his mother are arguing. Al is sucking oxygen and has a pile of "People" magazines with Ed on the cover. A REPAIRMAN is fixing the refrigerator. All their food is out and melting. Jeanette is trying to preserve food in an ice chest while she argues with Ed. JEANETTE I can't believe you're taking his side. ED I'm not! I'm just trying to get some facts. AL (to Ed) Sign this one to Nancy. She's the nurse who handles my urine. Ed signs. JEANETTE I told you the facts! He abandoned us -- those are the facts. ED So everything he told me yesterday was a lie. Everything. Al takes a loud breath. JEANTETTE Yes! ... practically ED What do you mean practically? Did he really run away or did you throw him out like he says. REPAIRMAN I need to replace the coil. JEANETTE (to Ed) He ran away after I threw him out. (to repairman) How much is a new coil? REPAIRMAN A hundred and fifty bucks. ED So he was telling the truth you threw him out. REPAIRMAN Should I go ahead? JEANETTE Yes. ED Yes to me or yes to the coil? JEANETTE Both. ED Holy sh-- AL This one to Dr. Bamajian. Maybe he won't make me wait an hour. Ed signs. JEANETTE He had girlfriends! ED He says -- JEANETTE I don't care what he says. Look, I don't need to relive this. On television! AL Whatever happened to Norman Rockwell? ED Who? AL Norman Rockwell. He painted magazine covers. Folksy. A mailman, a boy scout, a kid visiting a doctor... ED Yeah, so... ? AL They celebrated the common person. ED Well, I don't think you can get more common than me, Al. AL No. Only celebrities now. Now, if you put a mailman on the cover of a magazine he'd better have killed someone or no one will buy it. This one to Dr. Rumpley. Jeanette storms back in. JEANETTE All right -- do you want to know the truth? I took you and Marcia and Ray to my sister's on the train for the weekend and you all got chicken pox. So I took you home a day early and there was your father with a woman in our bed. Okay? ED Chicken pox? I was six. He didn't leave 'til I was twelve. JEANETTE He... apologized, he begged me. He can be very... charming when it suits his purpose. ED But what was that whole story about him and a nurse? JEANETTE She could've been a nurse. ED Could've been a nurse? JEANETTE She had white shoes. ED So does Grandma. So does Shaquille O'Neal. You told me you had a hysterectomy and he ran off with your nurse. JEANETTE What's the difference? ED The difference is for twenty years I thought one thing and now it's another thing. Ed nods. JEANETTE He was no good. Do you remember how he used to scream at me? You used to cover your ears with dinner rolls. JEANETTE (CONT'D) Also, no job was ever good enough for him. "Small potatoes, small potatoes." Al, you remember -- Al breathes loudly. ED Wait a minute. I thought you didn't know Al, 'til after Dad left. Pause. Even the repairman pokes his head out of the refrigerator. ED (CONT' D) Oh my God. You and Al were - and that's why you threw him out. JEANETTE He had a woman in my own bed! And how dare you call him "Dad" in front of Al. (shakes Al by the shoulder) This is your father. This is who was there for you when you needed someone. AL Jeanette, you're hurting me. ED (on the defensive) I'm not -- I didn't -- Al, you know how I feel about you... Al breathes loudly. ED (CONT'D) (uncomfortably) If I don't call you "Dad" it' just because... 1 was already a big boy when you came into our lives -- (pointedly to his mother) or when I thought you came into our lives -- JEANETTE And what did he come back now for? ED Who? JEANETTE Hank! All of a sudden. Because now you're famous and he can get something from you. I don't wan you to become a victim like Marcia. (to the TV) Not that you're a victim, honey. You're not. Life's just been a little hard on you, sweetie. ED (to Al) What do you think. I mean about... him. Should I just... have nothing to do with him? I mean... AL (to Ed) Have I ever said a bad word to you about your father? ED No. AL Well, now I will. He was a crazy mean, son-of-a-bitch. Al starts to wheel himself out. Ed looks weary. AL (CONT'D) But he was your father. 127 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's asleep. 128 INT. CONTROL TRUCK They're monitoring him. They see Ed WAKE UP. They stir. Sleepy, and scratching his ass, he goes into the bathroom. 129 INT. BATHROOM Ed shuts the door. He takes his PORTABLE PHONE OUT of a bathroom drawer. (He stashed it there.) He makes a call and waits. ED (whispering) Hi... it's me, Ed. It's been two days, I want to see you... No, I won't let them follow me, I'11 sneak out... No it's not allowed, but I'm going for it... I'm on my way. He takes CLOTHING OUT of the bathroom hamper. until he finds something acceptable. 130 INT. CONTROL TRUCK They're monitoring the empty bed. 131 INT. BATHROOM Ed is dressed. He CLIMBS OUT his bathroom window. 132 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER Shari opens her front door. ED Hi. She looks down the hallway. ED (CONT'D) They're not here. He goes in, grabs her and kisses her passionately. SHARI I tried to tell you over the phone -- my parents went to Atlantic City. ED So? SHARI So my little brother's staying here. I'm sleeping with Rita. ED Oh Je -- couldn't he sleep with Rita? We'11 all have a good time. SHARI I'm sorry. ED Come on, let's go. SHARI Where? ED Somewhere. 133 INT. ED'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER They get in. They look at each other. ED Do you want to go to a motel? SHARI I feel like a criminal or, like we're cheating on someone. ED (nicely) Just... just relax. Okay? We won't do anything. We'11 just sit here for a while. SHARI Okay. ED Come on... Gently he puts his arm around her. At first, she hesitates, but then curls up against him and relaxes. ED (CONT'D) I need to talk. SHARI Are you all right? ED She lied to me. I mean all my life, she's telling me one story and then... it turns out to be a completely different story. Come to me at some point -- tell me the truth. No. Not in my house. The truth is a stranger. And this is why Ray and Marcia are the way they are. Marcia gets involved with all these losers and sees no problem with herself - "How do they find me" she says. Ray cheats on you and then blames me for it. I'm the only one in the family who takes any responsibility for himself... Oh, man... Are you all right? SHARI (hesitantly) Yeah... I saw that girl come on to you at the TV show. ED Oh that was... no, I ... she just kind of trapped me into giving her a ride. It's you. I want you. SHARI ...yeah? He TOUCHES her. They KISS. Then again. Their hands are roaming. They're hot. They're breathing hard. He's unbuttoning her blouse. Their hands are all over each other. Her blouse comes off. LIGHTS GO ON. They see cameras, shooting at them. Shari SCREAMS and covers her breasts. 134 INT. TV - DAY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Good morning. Welcome to another day of Ed TV. Last night, while most of us were asleep ... this happened. 135 INT. FRAT HOUSE - MORNING FOUR GUYS in a disgustingly messy room, watching the replay of Ed and Shari. FRAT GUYS Yes!! They GYRATE LEWDLY. 136 EXT. STREET - DAY Shari is working. Ed is following her around. Shari is ANGRY. The cameras are there. SHARI Get them away from me. She takes PACKAGES OUT OF the TRUCK and THROWS them at the cameramen. ED It's not their fault. SHARI No. It's your fault. She throws a package at him. ED What do you want me to do? You want me to quit the show?! SHARI No... Could you? ED No. If I quit I don't get the balloon payment. SHARI The what? ED Ray borrowed this whole tub of money against this balloon payment that I don't get if I qu -- it's too complicated. I -- Besides... SHARI What? Pause. ED You see how people look at me. Like when they ask for my autograph or say "Hi" to me... It's like I'm a basketball player or a... you know, like I'm someone. SHARI Everybody's someone. ED Well, yeah, everybody's someone. But I mean someone they want to be. I mean let's face it, I'm working in the video store, no one's coming in saying "oh, I wish I was that guy. 1 wish was rewinding that huge pile of tapes." At least for a month I'm not just a guy with a name tag. I'm famous. A GUY YELLS from across the street. GUY Shari! Nice nipples. ED And so are you. GUYS keep YELLING "Shari!" She tries to go after them. Ed holds her back. SHARI I don't want to be famous for getting caught with my shirt off. If I'm going to be famous -- The camera is right in her face. She grabs it. SHARI (CONT'D) (to the camera person) This is going right up your ass. ED Come on. He returns the camera. Shari starts for her truck. SHARI Look... maybe we just better put us on hold until this is over. She gets in her truck. ED Come on! Loosen up. (trying to joke) See -- this is why seventy-one per cent of the people don't like you. She SLAMS the TRUCK DOOR. ED (CONT'D) It was a joke! A... vicious, thoughtless stupid joke. He bangs himself in the head. She drives away. He BOWS. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) And that, for you kids out there, is how you screw up a relationship. 137 INT. ED'S APARTMENT Ed enters. He's worn out. He plops down, and puts on the TV. ED (to the camera) I'm gonna watch anything but me. Ed is flipping stations. Something makes him stop. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Coming in two weeks to the Lifestyle Channel -- Joma. His Dad's a cop, his brother's a bouncer in a topless bar, his sister is a black-belt social worker -- and Joma's living with two gals. ANGLE ON THE TV We see JOMA. He has a lot of charisma. He seems a little dangerous, but in an exciting way. JOMA Hey, Ed! I'm coming to get you, man! I'm gonna eat you right up! (makes gobbling-up noises) ANGLE ON ED Watching. He's stunned. 138 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY They're watching a tape of Ed TV. Ed has just entered his own apartment. A WOMAN is there, sitting on his sofa. She's caressing Ed's undershorts against her cheek. Ed is highly agitated. ED How did you get into my apartment?! The BODYGUARD is pulling her out. REVEAL that Scharlach, McIlvaine, Seaver, Cynthia and Greg are all watching. McILVAINE What is she holding? GREG (calmly) A pair of Ed's underwear. McILVAINE Oh my God! ON the TAPE, the woman while being forcibly evicted, offers the underwear to Ed. Ed recoils. ED No -- keep it. WOMAN I love you! 1 want to marry you! She's hauled out. They stop the tape. SCHARLACH See -- that's television! This other thing, this Jama, that has "stink" written all over it. GREG The break-up with Shari was very big. Big ratings. SEAVER Only, Cynthia, seriously. Tell Ed not to sneak out anymore. SCHARLACH Cynthia ... He wants it accomplished. 139 EXT. STREET - DAY SEAVER (CONT'D) It's in violation of his contract and if we wanted to be hard-nosed about it, he could forfeit all pay, including money he's already received. CYNTHIA (dutifully, but a tad resentfully) I will see that he's properly threatened. SCHARLACH Now what? What's on the young man's agenda? We don't want to see him sitting around like a lovesick puppy. GREG Young males do not want to see Ed get back with Shari. SCHARLACH (impatiently) Enough with her. That sailed. McILVAINE Could Ed live with two girls? GREG You know who the audience is requesting a lot? That girl, Jill, that Ed met at the Letterman show. She really scored. SCHARLACH Cynthia... He wants it accomplished. 139 EXT. STREET - DAY Ed is walking from his car to a building. CROWDS are behind barricades. They YELL at Ed as he passes. Ed is used to this. 140 INT. SHARI'S BUILDING - DAY Rita OPENS the door and sees Ed. RITA (nervously) Oh. Ed. ED Hi. Is Shari here? RITA No. ED What is she, at work? RITA She left. ED Well, when will she be back? RITA She won't. ED What are you talking about? RITA She left. She moved. She got Fed-Ex to give her a transfer and she left. She couldn't stand it anymore. We had people, news people, regular people, just sleeping in our hallway, going through our mail, our garbage. I mean it was she couldn't take it anymore. Now I've got to move. I can't afford this place by myself. ED I'm sorry. Where'd they send her? RITA She wouldn't tell me. 141 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's off the air. He's a little down. He's ON the PHONE- INTERCUT WITH: 142 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM She's working out an a contraption. ED Remember when you were interviewing me? (details to follow) 143 EXT. PARK - DAY CYNTHIA Yeah. ED You asked me if I had a dream. I said "Sure, I have a dream. I just don't know what it is yet." CYNTHIA Great line. ED What if Shari's the dream? CYNTHIA Ed, do you want my advice? ED Yeah, that's why I called. I mean, maybe Fed-Ex would tell me where she moved -- CYNTHIA Leave her be. ED You said a woman likes to be pursued. CYNTHIA Pursued, not harassed. Give it some space. Can I tell you something -- as a friend? My sister was going with a guy they hit a little rough spot they started seeing other people they got back together and last month they had their third child For what it's worth. OPEN ON ANDY, Ed's half-Asian nephew. He's eight. He's wearing a baseball glove. ANDY Throw me a high one, Uncle Eddie. ED (O.C.) Okay. REVEAL ED, also wearing a baseball glove. He throws a high pop up to Andy. Andy staggers around and almost catches it. ED Oh!! JILL (0.C.) We have to stop meeting like this. ED Hm? REVEAL JILL, walking a DOG. it takes just a second to recognize her. ED (CONT'D) Oh, hi. Ed is hit with the ball. ANDY Sorry. REVEAL the Real TV Staff watching this on television in their office. As Ed and Jill chat in the background. ALICE (to Cynthia) Did you arrange this? CYNTHIA (points to the TV) Whose dog is that? ALICE (surprised) That's your dog. Cynthia doesn't even smile. MONTAGE INTERSPERSED IN THE MONTAGE ARE SHOTS OF PEOPLE WATCHING THEM ON TV 1. Ed and Jill going into a chic club -- ushered in immediately. Here, as in the other times we see her, Jill is comfortable with the situation. She's the opposite of Shari. She poses willingly. She chats easily with paparazzi. She clings to Ed. There's nothing overt or obnoxious about her. She's just comfortable and good at it and always looks great. 2. INTERVIEW with the guys who didn't like Shari. GUY #1 Way to go, Ed! GUY # 2 Now, we're talking! 3. A N.Y. Post story: "Readers Pick Jill over Shari." Pictures of both women. Jill looks great. Shari is in her uniform and looks like a mouse. 4. SHARI In a new apartment. Watching Ed and Jill on TV. She's very unhappy. She turns it off. 5. Ed and Jill at the nice restaurant he was at with Shari earlier. It looks like he's starting to like her. 6. Ed is refereeing a pro-wrestling match. He counts out the villain who, then, jumps up and chases him out of the ring. 144 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT "DAY 47" Ed and Jill are in a HEAVY LIPLOCK. Carlos is right there with the camera. Unlike Shari, Jill seems unself-conscious. She's getting Ed pretty turned-on. SHOTS of VIEWERS, also turned on, especially the men. JILL You want to? It's clear what she means. Ed is conflicted. He's clearly aroused. ED Um... It's kind of ... He looks for his watch on the wrong wrist, then seems to check all around his body until he discovers it. JILL Are you busy tomorrow night? ED No. JILL Why don't you come over. And I'11 make dinner. And you bring a movie. And ... We'11 make a night of it ... okay? ED (nervously) Sure. 145 EXT. STREET - DAY Written on the screen -- "Day 48" Ed is walking, the camera following. He looks tense. People SHOUT "Hey, Ed" "Ed-die" etc. ANGLE ON A NEWSPAPER VENDING MACHINE The New York Post front page -- "Is tonight the Night?" with a picture of Ed and Jill kissing. ANGLE ON ED ED Oh man... CON ED GUY Hey, Eddie. Ed looks up. CON ED GUY (CONT'D) (giving the "thumbs up") Go for it! Ed continues down the street. People YELL to him "Good luck tonight," "We're rooting for you" etc. A STREET CHARACTER walks alongside for a minute. STREET CHARACTER Hey, man. This is Haitian Love Juice. (he produces a vial) You give her this, she be yours. Security grabs him and the vial falls and breaks. The liquid hits the pavement and smokes up. ED (looking at the smoke) Jesus! More shouts "Be gentle", "We'11 be watching", "Use a condom" etc. A SCHOOL BUS passes. The KIDS YELL out the window to Ed. KIDS (in unison) Good luck! 146 EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT There is no line. At TICKET TAKER sits, bored. No one is going in or coming out. 147 EXT. STREET It's deserted. 148 EXT. RESTAURANT It's empty. The HEADWAITER stands in the doorway with nothing to do. 149 INT. LIVING ROOM A PARTY is in progress. The TV is on. On TV Ed is in a liquor store, buying a bottle of wine. Ed is dressed for his date. The people at the party are watching TV and commenting. It's like a Super bowl party. VOICE (O.C.) What's he doing? PARTYGOER He's buying wine! 150 INT. BEDROOM Several high-school age BOYS. They have made themselves look like Ed. They're very excited. TEEN-AGE BOY #1 You think he's gonna do it? TEEN-AGE BOY #2 Hell yeah. The guy hasn't had any sex in six weeks. TEEN-AGE BOY #3 Neither have we. 151 EXT. STREET Ed's car turns the corner and he sees a CROWD gathered around Jill's building. 152 EXT. BUILDING ED (understating) I'm starting to feel a little pressure. Ed carrying his wine enters to APPLAUSE and CHEERS. 153 EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET A LONG SHOT encompasses all the houses on the block. Their living room TV's are visible. All but one are tuned to Ed. 154 INT. JILL'S KITCHEN Something is cooking. Jill picks up a plate of something - dip and cut vegetables for instance. She starts to exit the kitchen as Ed and Carlos enter. Ed and Jill have a soft collision. JILL Oh. ED Can I help with anything? JILL No. It's going to be about a half-hour. ED What is? Oh, dinner! SELF-CONSCIOUSLY. He takes a vegetable, dips it and eats it. ED (CONT'D) Mm. JILL Good? ED Mm. They look at each other. Jill leans forward and kisses him. She puts the tray of vegetables on the counter. They continue to kiss. 155 INT. BEDROOM The high school boys are CHANTING. 156 INT. DORM ROOM BOYS Ed -- Ed -- Ed -- Ed... COLLEGE GIRLS (same ones as before). COLLEGE GIRL #1 Oh, I hope she makes love to him! COLLEGE GIRL #2 I thought you didn't like her. COLLEGE GIRL #1 I don't, but I want him to be happy- RAPID SHOTS of other VIEWERS, watching, transfixed -- 157 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT Ed and Jill are making out. They begin taking each other's clothes off. They're passing the point of no return. It's going to happen right there in the kitchen. Ed and Jill, in heavy heat, back up to the kitchen table and climb on to it. They continue to pull at their own and each, other's clothing. They're making passionate noises. 158 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT Shari is not watching television. She's eating a little meal she's made for herself. She HEARS PEOPLE in her building cheering and whooping. She looks miserable. 159 INT. CONTROL TRUCK DIRECTOR (slightly panicky) Someone say the word, how far can we go here? 160 INT. REAL TV OFFICE Cynthia and her staff are watching. Cynthia is ON THE PHONE- CYNTHIA (into phone) Stay with them ... don't leave yet... not yet ... Jill is on top of Ed. Carried away with passion, Ed attempts to roll her over and get on top. He does, but rolls too far. He crashes off the table, to the floor, face up. ED (in pain) Ohhh... JILL Ed? ED Ohh... do you own a cat? JILL Yeah. Why? He looks at her apologetically. 161 EXT. JILL'S BUILDING Ed is being loaded into an AMBULANCE. He looks humiliated. PEOPLE in the street are applauding politely as if Ed were an injured ballplayer being carried off the field. Jill is by the ambulance. She's PETTING a CAT who looks all right. PHOTOGRAPHERS are taking her picture. She's posing willingly. The ambulance drives off as Jill continues to pose. 162 INT. TV STUDIO Written on the screen -- "Day 49" The taping of "The Tonight Show" or "the Late Show" -- once again, whichever we have a prayer of getting. The MONOLOGUE is in progress. JAY (OR DAVE) (mock annoyed) So I guess you were all watching Ed last night. The AUDIENCE goes wild. JAY (CONT'D) This got the highest rating of the year, since the Super Bowl. I guess that makes sense. After all, Ed is now the Buffalo Bills of sex. BIG LAUGHS 163 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Scharlach EATING. He's stunned. SCHARLACH What?! REVEAL CYNTHIA CYNTHIA Take him off the air. SCHARLACH What are you talking about? He's fine. He's out of the hospital already. The ratings are higher than ever. CYNTHIA I'm telling you, it's peaked. Ed TV is an over-inflated balloon. Get it off before it explodes all over us. He thinks. SCHARLACH With all due respect, Cynthia you're nuts. I'm giving him another month! CYNTHIA (coldly) Good luck. 164 EXT. STREET - DAY "DAY 54" Ed is walking. He's wearing a white, Velcro support around his waist. He's agitated. He's carrying a copy of the New York Post. ED Look at this! WE SEE a headline -- "Ed: She Broke My heart." ED She did not! (venting) You know what she did? ED (CONT'D) She went out to California and got one of those scandal agents. One of those agents who handle, like... Gennifer Flowers and... Kato Kaelin and Joey Buttafuco. That's what she -- A GUY YELLS AT ED GUY Hey Ed! ... She was a little too much for you, huh? Must run in the family. ED (angry) Oh -- like this guy's ever been with a woman. (yells) How about I kick your ass 'til the crack goes the other way? (to the camera) All of a sudden, I'm like fair game for everyone. I'm like -- He stops and looks like he's in shock. He stares in through the display window of a bookstore. ANGLE ON, a big DISPLAY of cheap, rushed-out, exploitation books. On the cover we read "My Brother Pissed On Me By Raymond L. Pekurny.11 And there's an old photo of two little boys. (Ed and Ray) ED Oh my -- He wrote a book?! Ray wrote a book?! He never read a book! 165 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT "DAY 58" It's the hallway of a cheap hotel. Ed and the camera come off the elevator. Ed looks at room numbers. He can HEAR the noise from all the rooms. A radio -- a domestic disturbance -- a baby crying -- it's a horror. He KNOCKS ON a door. HANK (O.C.) Who is it? ED It's Ed. The door opens REVEALING Ed's father. HANK Ed! Come in - They enter. 166 INT. HOTEL ROOM It's depressing. There's a liquor bottle on the dresser. Ed sees it. HANK (CONT'D) How've you been? Ed SHRUGS. HANK (CONT'D) They don't get cable here, so 1 can't watch you. Ed just GRUNTS. Hank takes LAUNDRY off a chair. HANK (CONT'D) Sit down. He does. He looks around. HANK (CONT'D) Quite a shithole, isn't it? ED It could be, if you fixed it up. How did you... ? I mean how does anyone ... wind up like this? HANK I was in jail. ED The whole time? Eighteen years? HANK No. Two times. ED What... HANK Check forging. ED Oh, man! So... HANK The last two years, I've been a limousine driver, but I don't see well anymore, so... ED So you saw me on TV and you said "Hey, let me jump on this." HANK I need help. How many times if just one little thing that I needed would've happened, it would've changed everything. If I had a few dollars when an opportunity came along or... the tumblers just never clicked for me. Ed doesn't know what to say. He's bitter towards Hank, but there's also some empathy. ED (to the camera) All right... This is my father, I don't know what the hell he can do, but if anyone out there can help him -- get him a job - I'11 ... help you. I'11 ... mention your business or ... I don't know, we'11 figure it out. (quickly, to Hank) I gotta go. HANK Ed... I'm sorry. ED (still bitter) Yeah? That's good. Sorry is good. You know I finished that model. HANK What... ED The pirate ship. Hank looks blankly at him. ED (CONT'D) -- That we were doing "together." I finished it. It came out great! Because no one was standing over my shoulder bothering me - "That's too much glue. You're using too much glue." HANK Do you still have it? ED No. Ray sat on it. I'11 see you. He exits. Out in the hallway, he leans back against the door, drained. The camera is right on him, soaking it up. 167 INT. TV STUDIO The same PBS-type panel of smart-looking people we met earlier. WE OPEN ON about half the panel. MODERATOR Let's hear from our guest panelist. You've expressed some interesting thoughts on this, subject. What do you see as the meaning, if there is any, of Ed TV, John. REVEAL JOHN, sitting comfortably on the panel, looking very wise. JOHN I feel that Ed is the apotheosis of a prevailing American syndrome. It used to be that someone became famous because they were special. Now people are considered special just for being famous. Fame, itself, is now a moral good in this country. It's its own virtue. The others NOD appreciatively as John puts a PIPE in his mouth. TV INTERVIEWS OLD GUY I was Ed's Little League coach. He had no coordination. The big game, he struck cut with the bases loaded. Then he cried like a woman. It was sickening. CUT TO: OLD WOMAN I was his third grade teacher. I said "Take him for tests. There's something wrong with him." They didn't listen. CUT TO: ANOTHER GUY He used to steal things from my store. At least I think it was him. Yeah, it was probably him. 168 EXT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY A MAN, on the sidewalk, has a STUFFED CAT stuck to his back to tease Ed. CAT MAN Hey, look, I just fell off a table! Suddenly, a TUBFUL OF WATER crashes down on him. 169 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Ed at the window, with a now empty plastic tub. ED (yelling down) Okay, is that funny? Then he throws the tub out the window. ED (CONT'D) (to the camera) How was that? Was that funny?! 170 INT. NETWORK OFFICE "DAY 78" Again, everyone there, including Cynthia. A Honcho is reading a report. HONCHO #1 Of more concern than the sag in Ed's ratings is what viewers are feeling about him now. The positives are down and the negatives are up. There's a feeling that Ed isn't cool anymore. We're starting to see a big L.F. GREG Hm? HONCHO #1 L.F. Loser Factor. HONCHO #2 That's deadly. McILVAINE Not necessarily. I mean instead of running from the L.F., run with it. Create more moments like the table thing. We can package a video "Ed's Goofiest Moments." Let him be America's Goofball. CYNTHIA Isn't this getting kind of pathetic. I mean we drank the juice, now we're just licking peel. Let it go! SCHARLACH Cynthia, I think you're laboring under a misconception. You seem to believe that because you happened to predict this, we should be impressed. We're not. Anybody in any business can predict failure. 1 need people who prevent failure. I want to see this thing turned back in the right direction. Remember this was your baby. 171 INT. BAR - NIGHT "DAY 94" Tad and Barry -- as we met them, originally -- are watching TV. They're really enjoying it -- laughing, pounding the table. TAD I don't know, I still love this guy. BARRY Yeah only I wish they had the sister on more. TAD Ooh, the sister! She is hot. BARRY You know it. REVEAL that they are watching Joma. On the TV -- Joma is eating dinner in his apartment with TWO attractive WOMEN, who, apparently, both live there. Joma is upset (but he's funny when he's upset). What's upsetting him is that across the alley, in a window of another building, he can plainly see an OVERWEIGHT MAN, with his shirt off, exercising. The overweight man is apparently watching an exercise video and is bouncing up and down in place causing everything to jiggle unpleasantly. JOMA'S FRIEND Ignore him. JOMA I can't! It's like a mudslide. (screams out the window) Put on a shirt! ANGLE ON TAD AND BARRY, HYSTERICAL ANGLE ON TV JOMA (CONT'D) (yelling) I support the fact that your exercising but, for the love of God, put on a shirt. JOMA'S FRIEND (to Joma) Shut the curtains. JOMA No! Let him shut the curtains. TAD AND BARRY Laughing and wiping their eyes. 172 INT. ED'S BEDROOM Off the air. Ed ON the PHONE. INTERCUT WITH CYNTHIA ED This Joma is so phoney! I mean, those things aren't really happening. I think they have writers making that stuff up for him. Hey, couldn't we do that? Hire some writers and have them write up some crazy situations I could get into? She's listening, amazed. CYNTHIA Ed, everything goes off. "Cheers" went off. "Mash" went off -- ED (getting angry) Yeah, but when they went off people weren't making fun of them. They weren't bozos! I'm Pumpkin Ass again! CYNTHIA (getting annoyed) Ed -- ED You know, everything you asked me to do I did. I call you for advice about Shari you say - (mocking imitation) "Leave her be, see other people for a while." You just wanted me to get involved with Jill because it made for a better show. CYNTHIA Ed -- ED No. You screwed up my life just so you could get higher ratings. You never gave a shit about me. CYNTHIA Yeah? Well I'm not starting now. She HANGS UP and has an acid reflux. 173 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT Ed and John are playing. JOHN Look, you put anybody on TV sixteen hours a day, at some point they're going to wind up rolling off a table on to a cat. I mean with no privacy, there's no... dignity. Ed thinks. Pause. ED You know about that fireman who rescued that little girl? JOHN When? Today? ED No! Like, ten years ago. In Texas. Baby... (tries to remember) Jessica! JOHN Oh right, right! She fell down, like a... ED Yeah, a thing. He became a big hero. He was on TV and there was a parade and a movie about him JOHN Right, right... ED And then, uh... you know it blew over and he went back to being a fireman again. JOHN (cheerfully) Right. ED So he killed himself. JOHN (a little shaken) Oh. SILENCE. The cell phone RINGS. Ed PICKS UP the phone. ED Hello. INTERCUT WITH JEANETTE IN A HOSPITAL She's crying. JEANETTE Eddie... ED Mom? JEANETTE I'm at the hospital. ED What's the matter?! JEANETTE He's dead! Eddie, he's dead! It was his heart. ED Oh God. What hospital? JEANETTE St. Joseph's. ED I'm coming right over. I'll be right there. He hangs up. 174 INT. TAD'S HOUSE Tad is watching TV and talking an the phone. TAD I told you! I told you he was gonna die! 175 INT. HOSPITAL - AN HOUR LATER Ed rushes in. He goes up to the desk. Carlos is with him. ED Hi. I'm looking for my mother. Her name is -- A DOCTOR spots him. DR. GELLER Mr. Pekurny. ED Yes? DR. GELLER I'm Dr. Geller. Your mother is just lying down for a few minutes. we gave her something to calm her down. ED Thank you. Can I see her? DR. GELLER Just wait here. She's coming right back out. ED Mm... (wearily) Oh, man... DR. GELLER (sympathetically) ED What about him -- did he suffer any or was it quick? I'd hate to think he... DR. GELLER Very quick. Between you and me, it's not a bad way to go. Making love to your wife... it's very sweet. ED Really? They were.. DR. GELLER (nods) According to your mother. When the paramedics got to the hotel, she told them that -- ED Hotel? What were they doing in a hotel? DR. GELLER I ... don't know. I ... VOICE (O.C.) Eddie. Thank God you're here. Eddie looks across the room and sees Al in his wheelchair, just entering from outside. He wheels towards Ed. AL How's your mother? ED (shocked) Al! AL Our neighbors gave me a ride. ED Al!! AL Where is she? Is she all right? Ed turns to the doctor. ED I thought -- I thought he was dead. DR. GELLER Who? ED Al! DR. GELLER No. (reads his chart) The deceased is ... Henry Pekurny. 176 INT. TAD'S HOUSE TAD (stunned) Good twist! 177 INT. HOSPITAL AL You thought it was me? ED Yes! AL It's your father. Hank. Your mother went to see him and he had a heart attack. ED Went -- Again, Ed turns to the doctor. NURSE Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack wants to see you. DR. GELLER (to Ed) Excuse me. NURSE (to Ed) Could I get your autograph for my niece? ED (distracted) Um... yeah... Jeanette enters. JEANETTE Al! How did you -- AL The Burkharts drove me. Are you all right? JEANETTE (nervously) I'm fine. I ... AL Good. I gotta pee. He wheels off. Jeanette and Ed are left alone. ED (loud whisper) What happened? JEANETTE It was horrible. He called me up. ED Who? JEANETTE Hank! He said he wanted to talk to me to apologize for everything he begged -- he cried. So I went to this horrible hotel he was staying in... I felt so sorry for him -- ED So you had sex with him? Jeanette GASPS. JEANETTE What? ED The doctor said you were having sex. JEANETTE (horrified) To you? In front of him? (indicates Carlos) With the... ED Yes. He assumed Hank was your husband. He didn't know. JEANETTE Oh my god! On TV! ED Why? How... JEANETTE One thing led to another. He was my husband once. ED But Al is your husband now! JEANETTE Do you think it's been easy for me? It's been years. Al can't have sex. ED Apparently, neither can Hank. What the hell did you do to him? Al comes rolling back, SINGING. AL "Lovely Rita, the Meter Maid... 178 INT. TV STUDIO JEANETTE (whispers) Don't tell Al. He doesn't know. ED (points to the camera) Well, he's the only one in America who doesn't! OPRAH or RICKI or GERALDO or someone. OPRAH Women who remarry but have sex with their first husbands. on today's Oprah. 179 INT. TV STUDIO Our same panel of pundits. PANELIST #3 Ed's family is the tip of the iceberg. You watch the daytime tabloid shows it's the same thing. I'm telling you, America is fast becoming a trailer park. PANELIST #2 Let's not overstate the case. There are millions of hard- working, sensible, moral, educated people in this country. Not every family is like Ed's. REVEAL ED watching this discussion on TV. 180 INT. TV STUDIO DAVE OR JAY A CHART is set up with little pictures. DAVE/JAY So let's recap. The mother's too good at it, both brothers stink at it. (there's a drawing of a figure falling of a table) The stepfather can't do it at all and the father did it but it killed him. (there's a drawing of a tombstone) How did this family ever reproduce in the first place? 181 EXT. CEMETERY GATES - DAY Ed is driving Jeanette and Al to the funeral. A CROWD is held back by POLICE. Someone yells "Adulterer". Someone else tries to offer Ed a lunchbox. Someone else is carrying a sign "What a Way to Go". 182 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Hank's COFFIN is being carried to his gravesite. Ed, Ray and Marcia are pall bearers. One of the others pall bearers is Ed's BODYGUARD. The OTHERS TWO are two guys who work for the mortuary. Carlos is shooting. ED (to Ray) You're not going to talk to me? You're not even gonna say hello? RAY I have nothing to say to you. Ed gives up. He turns to Marcia. ED How are you doing? Is Cliff here? She doesn't answer. Ed reacts. RAY Cliff left her, thanks to you. ED Me?! RAY That's right. You put Cliff on television. So then he decided he was too good for her and he left. ED I put his -- who -- (to Marcia) Look, Marsh, he's not that good a singer, he'll be back. MARCIA (too loudly) That's not funny!! Ed CRINGES. 183 EXT. GRAVESITE - A LITTLE LATER The service ends. The small group begins to walk away. Ray and Marcia go off together, ignoring Ed. Jeanette is attempting to wheel Al away from the grave, but she's hitting ruts. Ed approaches. ED I'11 take it. JEANTTE (to Al, uncomfortably) Sweetheart, I'm gonna go ahead and sign all the papers. AL Right. She touches him but he pulls away. Ed wheels Al. ED Are things gonna be okay with you and Mom? Is there anything I can -- AL I'm moving out. ED What?! AL I'm going to be living with my brother. He's not in such good shape as I am, but... I'm looking forward to the pillow fights. ED (really upset) Oh, Al ... This is just... AL Hank was always good with the ladies. Always good-looking. Hell, he's been dead for two days, he still looks better than me. He stops wheeling and crouches down next to Al. ED I want to tell you something... I love you. You're my father. Pause. AL I love you, too. Al KISSES him. AL (CONT'D) I'11 build a pirate ship with you. Ed wheels him away. 184 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE She's watching. She's genuinely moved. She wipes her eyes. 185 INT. BAR - NIGHT This place is sleazy. Ed enters, worn out. He crosses to the bar where we find, Jeanette nursing a drink. She's not drunk, but she is wallowing. ED Hi, Ma. JEANETTE (startled) Ed! How did you know I was here? ED You're famous. Somebody called me. What are you doing in a place like this? JEANETTE Why shouldn't I be in a place like this? I'm a whore! ED (cringes) Ma... JEANETTE I'm a tramp (pulls on the sleeve of the man next to her) Meet your new father. The whole nation is laughing at us! ED And how is this helping? come on say, good-night to all your new friends and let's go home. JEANETTE (exiting) I'm a whore! (yells at an employee) Your bathrooms are filthy! They're out. 186 EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS Ed is helping Jeanette. Ray arrives. He's ANGRY. RAY I'11 take her. You humiliated our mother on national television. You've single- handedly destroyed this family. ED I -- Oh, but that book you wrote was a real love-letter. That... toilet paper with covers. BYSTANDER #1 That book sucked. I want my money back. ED Oh great. Where's Moe? He looks around. Moe is gone. RAY Come on, Ma. ED (to Ray) Let's remember how I got into this. "Please, Eddie, do this for me. I can't get a break." (pretends to cry) RAY You know what your problem is? ED Yeah. My problem is I've got a brother who writes a sentence like "We grew up in a small, little bedroom." As opposed to a big, little bedroom? RAY I got paid by the word! No! Your problem is you don't ever want anything to be your fault. ED Me?! That's you! RAY I commit. I take a chance. You wanted to be the guy on TV, but you didn't want to say you wanted to. So you have me talk you into it so you get what you want, but if it goes bad it's not your fault. BYSTANDER #2 Right. Like you say you love Shari, but, you wouldn't mind noodling that model. ED Moe! BYSTANDER #3 The truth hurts. ED Yeah? So does a kick in the nuts. RAY For once in your life, be honest with yourself. I know you, Ed. I know you look at me and Marcia and Mom and you think you're different. You're like "How did I end up in this family?" You're not different. you're worse. Because you have no guts. You drift around, you don't commit, you make fun of me -- okay. Just don't kid yourself. (to Jeanette) Let's go. JEANETTE You're both good boys. Ray and Jeanette leave. 187 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ed is there along with Cynthia and the Network Execs. There are more execs than before. Cynthia's people are not there. This entire meeting is on ED TV. Cynthia is quiet - observing. Ed looks whipped. ED Three more months? MR. SCHARLACH Absolutely! Ed TV is more popular than ever. Congratulations. McILVAINE Only, Ed, we want you, in the next few weeks to spend a lot more time with your family. ED You do? SEAVER Definitely. Cynthia, explain it to him. Cynthia just stares at her, COLDLY. SEAVER (CONT'D) I'11 do it. (to Ed) People want to see what happens to them now. Do your mother and step-father get back together? How does your sister handle being alone? Your feud with your brother. SCHARLACH In fact, we have a new concept. Since your family signed releases, we can follow them on camera even when you're not with them. We can cut around from family member to family member. Whoever's the most exciting at that moment. McILVAINE And, of course, it's another big bonus payment for you. Pause. ED A couple of years ago my Uncle Roy got bit on the ass by a dog. Silence. What the hell is he talking about? ED (CONT'D) So he gave me his tickets to the U.S. Open -- the tennis matches. They still have no idea what he's talking about. ED (CONT'D) So me and Ray, we tell our friends "Watch when Andre Agassi is gonna serve for the first time. When he's bouncing the ball and it's real quiet, we'11 yell "Whoop". And you'11 all hear us." Pause. SCHARLACH I see. (he doesn't) ED You know what that is? It's sad. I mean it was just so we could be heard. So we could stand out from the crowd for a second. So we did it. But we had nothing to say. Just "Whoop". That's it. And the stupid part I mean the really stupid part is we thought it like... elevated us above the crowd. Where the fact is it made us stupider than the crowd. SCHARLACH I see. ED Stop saying "I see." You don't see. Cynthia, I owe you an apology. CYNTHIA I don't think so. ED Yeah. Because, you didn't talk me into anything. Everything you wanted me to do, I wanted to do. 188 INT. SHARI'S PLACE Shari watching Ed TV. 189 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM ED (to the camera) Ray, you were right. It's like in school. I was always saying "the room was too hot, the teacher didn't like me" -- but it was me! Everything that's wrong with my life I did. Okay? So now this is it. My family has problems. Which are our fault. And TV is not the place to solve them. So I quit. I'm taking what very little dignity I've got left and I quit. Can someone validate my parking? Pause. SHOCK. MR. SCHARLACH Well, Ed, that's ... not really possible. ED All right, I'11 pay for the parking. Big network! Scharlach speaks carefully - gently. He's aware of the camera. He doesn't want to come off as a villain. SCHARLACH No, I mean you can't quit. Ed thinks. ED I can't? MR. SCHARLACH (very gently) Well, no. You agreed to stay on the air as long as we asked you to. The station entered into this on that understanding. If you had refused we'd have begun this with somebody else. You can't just change the rules in the middle of the game, son. It's not fair to us. More importantly, it's not fair to the viewers. They're interested in you. They've devoted hours and days and weeks of their lives to you. ED Look, if you don't let me out of this... I'11 just... I'11 just sit in my apartment all day. I won't go anywhere, I won't do anything. What kind of show will that be? MR. SCHARLACH Not too good. That's why it states in your contract that if you do not continue to live a normal life, you're in violation and are liable for the station's financial losses. Ed, I urge you to reconsider. I urge you on behalf of all those people out there whose lives have become so entwined with yours. Play fair with them, Ed. ED All right. Let them decide. He turns right to the camera. ED (CONT'D) I'd like you all to do me a favor. Turn me off. Just grab the remote and change the channel. I mean, basically, all you're watching now is a guy deteriorate. The only thing missing is the smell. You're better than that Turn me off. Thank you. 190 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE Greg bursts in, carrying a sheet of paper. GREG Ratings are up across the board. Look at this! (drones on) Men 18 to 35, women 18 to 35 ... Cynthia stares, amazed. 191 EXT. STREET Ed WALKING ZOMBIE-LIKE- CROWDS SWARM. 192 INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is with STEVE, a lawyer. Steve has a huge contract on his desk. STEVE This contract you signed? ... It's a masterpiece. Don't go to war with these guys. You fart in the wrong direction they can take everything you own and leave you naked by the side of the road. You ever going to get back with that Jill? Ooh -- she was nice. Shari, I didn't like that much ("imitates" a gabby girl) "yet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet." ED Shut up. 193 INT. DINER - NIGHT Ed is sitting alone, eating lunch. He's surrounded by cameras and shielded by BODYGUARDS. OUTSIDE the diner a CROWD of rubberneckers is out on the sidewalk, looking in at him, some of them acting up, some just staring in. Ed is tired. He glances out the window and makes a MONKEY FACE. Suddenly, he FREEZES. He sees Shari's face in the crowd. She puts her fist in her mouth. 194 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Ed and Shari are walking -- on camera. SHARI 1 bailed. I bailed on you. ED Kinda'. SHARI It's what I do. I yell "Geronimo" and jump out of a relationship. He laughs. Pause. SHARI (CONT'D) You weren't able to make me feel safe or secure -- no easy job for any man, I admit -- and my problem is, if I think I'm losing, I pull myself out of the game. I bail. See? I told you, I'm the love coroner. ED What did you do to your hair? SHARI My truck overheated, so I opened the hood and my hair got caught in the fan belt. So I had to get a haircut. ED It's nice. He touches her hair. They leap on each other. They're KISSING. 195 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Big meeting. Many Honchos, including Scharlach and Cynthia. All but Cynthia are focused. Cynthia looks bored. HONCHO #l I think this could be great. What if Ed and Shari decide to get married? A wedding? The cute, little half-Asian nephew in a tuxedo, carrying the ring on one of those big fluffy pillows - we'11 kill. A sixty share. A secretary (MILDRED) enters. She's a little flustered. MILDRED Um... Mr. Scharlach, um -- you're not watching TV? SCHARLACH No, Mildred, we're working. MILDRED Um... Ed -- and Shari are -- SEAVER Engaged? MILDRED No. Here. They're in the building. They're on their way up. Scharlach indicates that he wants someone to turn on the TV. Someone does and they see Ed and Shari coming down the hall. They enter the conference room. The cameras, of course, are with them. Ed is carrying a CARTON. ED Hi, kids. Busy? MUCH CONFUSION ED (CONT'D) I just came up to pass out these Ed TV hats. He takes a lot of HATS out of the carton and begins placing on the heads of the Honchos. ED (CONT'D) A guy made these up for me. He spelled Ed with two D's. Okay, listen. The real reason I came up here -- and then I'11 get out of your way -- is I've been thinking about what you said. About let's start having more fun with this show, you know? Let's give it a big kick in the ass. HONCHO #1 Well, we were thinking -- ED (cheerfully) Shut up. He takes back that Honcho's hat. ED (CONT'D) Let's have a contest. Now this would mostly be open to professional investigators and detectives. But anyone can join in. SHARI (rehearsed) What do we have to do? ED My lovely assistant, Shari. I'm glad you asked. The contest is who can dig up -- legally, of course -- I'm not suggesting that anyone break any laws -- the most embarrassing and humiliating facts about any of the executives here at the North American Broadcasting System which owns Real TV. The Honchos staring blankly. ED (CONT'D) But facts! They have to be verified. Anything from their past, their present, business, personal -- arrests, affairs ... And whoever comes up with the sleaziest, most degrading material -- I'11 give you ten thousand dollars. And you get to be on Ed TV. (to the Honchos, excitedly) Hah? SHARI So act now. Here's Ed's home phone number. She holds up a CARD. 196 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM It's packed with LAWYERS and EXECS. Everyone is agitated, except Cynthia, who seems relaxed-Ed and Shari are gone. SCHARLACH Legal?! How can this be legal? It's defamation! It's slander! It's... LAWYER Not, technically. He is not showing a reckless disregard for the truth. SCHARLACH You're fired! The meeting continues ANGRILY. 197 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER The Honchos are watching Ed TV. They look STRAINED, ANXIOUS. In Ed's home a BANK OF PHONES have been set up like for a telethon. Manning the phones are Ed, Shari, Ray, Marcia, Al and Jeanette. The PHONES KEEP RINGING. RAY (into phone) Uh-huh... uh-huh... Really?! She was how old? In the conference room one of the Execs looks DIZZY. The CAMERA PANS to Al on the phone. AL (shocked) He pays a prostitute to do what to him? I don't even want that on my shoes. IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM FEAR and SHOCK, except for Cynthia, who is LAUGHING and can't stop. SCHARLACH Stop laughing or you're fired. She stops. Then she gets up. SCHARLACH (CONT'D) Where are you going? CYNTHIA I've got this great idea. We put together a video. "The Network Executives Goofiest Moments." And listen, i've really loved working here. On the word "loved" she shot Scharlach THE FINGER. She exits, LAUGHING. 198 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed is off the phone, ED Okay. We have a winner. Now please don't feel badly if yours wasn't selected. In our eyes, you're all winners. RAY And each contestant gets one of these. (holds up a tee-shirt with writing on it) An "I tried to screw a network executive" tee-shirt. ED A hundred per cent cotton. Okay, here we go, Andy. Ed grabs a sealed ENVELOPE. Andy plays a DRUM ROLL -- not terribly well. ED (CONT'D) Andy's available for executions. And the winner is ... As he opens the envelope. 199 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM The Executives staring, HORRIFIED. 200 INT. ED'S APARTMENT He takes out the card and registers mock-surprise. ED Hey, the winner is from right here in New York city. Carl Bowers a former orderly at the Martin Center -- a clinic that specializes in, what they call, male enhancement procedures. 201 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM Scharlach's EYES WIDEN in HORROR. 202 INT. ED'S APARTMENT ED (to the camera) How many of you know what a penile implant is? As it was explained to me, what happens is-- 203 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM As Ed explains, Scharlach reaches for the phone, fumbling it for a moment. 204 INT. ED'S APARTMENT ED And the man of the hour -- the executive with the winning secret the man who, thanks to the miracle of space-age science and a pump he keeps in his pocket, can now -- A SHOT OF a television set tuned to Ed. Suddenly Ed is replaced by a Real TV logo. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And that concludes Real TV's coverage of Ed TV. Stay tuned for new programming information. MUSAK 205 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM 206 INT. TV STUDIO An ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER. 207 INT. TV STUDIO The PANEL. 208 EXT. CHURCH ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER A spokesperson for Real TV announced that Ed received a check covering his four months on the air, his balloon payment and an additional bonus to show the Network's appreciation for all his -- quote -- hard work and loyalty -- unquote. When asked -- CUT TO: The Panel. PANELIST #1 In five years no one will even remember this person. PANELIST #4 Five years! Six months. He's the "macarena." He's -- CUT TO: A NEWS REPORTER is reporting on a wedding. REPORTER Marcia Pekurny, the woman known to most Americans as "Ed's sister" was married here today to Carlos Coto, who some of you may remember as the primary camera operator on "Ed TV" -- CUT TO: 209 INT. TV STUDIO A news show. NEWS ANCHOR The current rage of "Reality Television" got a real dose of reality today. Lifestyle Televisions Joma was shot this evening, outside his apartment. Because Joma was on television twenty-four hours a day, Lifestyle's cameras were there to record the shooting. WE SEE Joma walking into his building. Somebody steps forward with a GUN. The ASSAILANT is jostled as he shoots and the bullet hits Joma in the ass. He falls to the sidewalk. JOKA Ohhhh!!! ... my ass! He shot me in the ass! The CAMERA PANS to the Assailant, who we might recognize as someone who we've seen following Ed from time to time. ASSAILANT Now I'm famous. REVEAL Ed and Shari watching this on television. ED I know him. I gave him an autograph. Shari turns it off. THE END

"Ed Wood", by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski ED WOOD by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski Directed by Tim Burton FIRST DRAFT November 20, 1992 FADE IN: INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT We move through a spooky shrouded parlor, as a storm rages outside. THUNDER roars, and lightning flashes in the giant windows. in the center of the room lies an oak coffin. Suddenly the lid starts to creak open. A hand crawls past the edge... and then the lid slams up! Famed psychic CRISWELL pops out. Criswell, 40, peers at us intently, his gleaming eyes framed under his striking pale blonde hair. He intones, with absolute conviction: CRISWELL Greetings, my friend. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable... that is why you are here. So now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened... (extremely serious) We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your hearts stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood, Junior?? EXT. NIGHT SKY Lightning CRACKS. We drift down past the dark clouds... through the torrential rain... and end up... OPTICAL: EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT We've landed in Hollywood, 1952. We're outside a teeny, grungy playhouse. The cracked marquee proclaims "'THE CASUAL COMPANY,' WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY EDWARD D. WOOD, JR." Pacing nervously in the rain is ED WOOD, 30, our hero. Larger-than-life charismatic, confident, Errol Flynn-style handsome, Ed is a human magnet. He's a classically flawed optimist: Sweet and well-intentioned, yet doomed by his demons within. The doors open, and Ed's pal JOHN "BUNNY" BRECKINRIDGE, 45, hurries out. Bunny is a wealthy, theatrical fop wearing a string of pearls. [PAGE 2 MISSING] Suddenly the rest of the cast runs up, frantically upset. In a flowing white dress is DOLORES FULLER, 23, a sharp, hungry- for-a-career ingenue. She's near tears. DOLORES Eddie, my dove just flew out the window! CREW MEMBER She goes on in two minutes! What are we gonna do?? They all look to Ed, awaiting a response. He thinks a second, then excitedly CLAPS his hands. ED Dolores, give me your shoes. DOLORES What? ED The ghost can be barefoot. Give me your shoes! She hands Ed her white shoes. He snatches one, grabs a pair of scissors, and starts CUTTING up the shoe. Everyone is baffled. He keeps cutting the shoe... and it slowly takes on the shape of a dove! Ed then grabs some pipe cleaners, works them into a shape, and sprints into the dressing room. He takes some green eye shadow and excitedly smears it on the pipe cleaners. Ed then hurries back out, jams the green pipe cleaners into the cut-up shoe... and it looks like a dove with an olive branch in its mouth! The cast is flabbergasted. CREW MEMBER Wow. BACK ONSTAGE The soldiers suddenly look up. ACTOR #1 Hey, I think I see something! Dolores floats down onto the stage, holding out the dove. DOLORES I offer you mortals the bird of peace, so that you may change your ways and end all this destruction. CUT TO: INT. SCRUFFY COFFEE SHOP - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his gang celebrate opening night in a dirty 24-hour diner. They're noisily slugging down drinks, in a big red booth. ED What a show! Everyone was terrific! Paul, your second-act monologue actually gave me chills, He grins at Actor #1, aka PAUL MARCO, a young eager beaver who's loyal like a dog. PAUL MARCO Aw thanks, Eddie. Actor #2, aka CONRAD BROOKS, a friendly, simple-minded lug, runs up waving a newspaper. CONRAD I got the early edition! It was just dropped off at the newsstand. ED (he smiles at everyone) This is the big moment...! Ed opens the paper to the entertainment page. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER. Ed turns to a column, "The Theatrical Life, By Victor Crowley." Under this is a photograph of an old man with an ascot. WIDE Everybody excitedly crowds around and starts reading. A moment... and then their faces drop. Clearly, this is a disastrous review. Their faces get sadder, and sadder... and then they finish. A melancholy beat, until -- BUNNY What does that old queen know? He wasn't even there! (he knocks back a drink) Sending a copy boy to do his dirty work. Well fuck him! DOLORES Do I really have a face like a horse? PAUL MARCO What does "ostentatious" mean? Ed calmly waves his arms for attention. He tries to smile. ED Hey. Hey, it's not that bad. You just can't concentrate on the negative. He's got some nice things to say... (he scans the review) See, "The soldier costumes are very realistic." That's positive! Everyone kind of stares at their drinks, depressed. Ed launches into an upbeat speech. ED Hell, I've seen a lot worse reviews. I've seen ones where they didn't even like the costumes! Like, that last "Francis the Mule" picture -- it got terrible notices. But it was a huge hit. PAUL MARCO Lines around the block. ED So don't take it too seriously. We're all doin' great work. CONRAD You really think so? ED Absolutely! It's just the beginning. I promise this: If we stick together, one day I'll make every single one of you famous. He smiles at everyone at the table. They all believe what he says, and there is a hushed moment of dream-filled hope. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES' APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores lie in bed, in the dark. He stares vulnerably at her. ED Honey, what if I'm wrong? What if I just don't have it? DOLORES Ed, it was only one review. ED Orson Welles was 26 when he made "Citizen Kane." I'm already 30! DOLORES Ed, you're still young. This is the part of your life when you're supposed to be struggling. ED I know... But sometimes I get scared this is as good as it's gonna get... Dolores kisses Ed affectionately. DOLORES Things'll change for us. Nobody stays on the fringe forever. She gets out of bed. We see her tiny apartment is drab and crumbling. Dolores turns on the shower, then walks to the closet. She looks inside. DOLORES God, where's my pink sweater? I can never find my clothes anymore... ANGLE - ED He rolls over in bed, away from her. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY CU on Ed reading "The Hollywood Reporter." A RUDE BOSS in suspenders suddenly strides up. RUDE BOSS Hey big shot, get off your ass. They need a potted palm over in the Carl Laemmle Building. ED Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz. Ed jumps up. We WIDEN, revealing he's in a giant greenhouse, packed with rows of potted plants and shrubs. Ed grabs a small palm tree and hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed strolls across the busy movie lot, lugging the palm. He passes a soundstage and notices the stage door open a crack. Ed glances around, then puts down the palm and hurries in. INT. SOUNDSTAGE ó SAME TIME A big-budget foreign legion movie is shooting, with a huge cast and crew. A giant desert set has been erected, with camels and real sand dunes. Ed is blown away. ED Whoa, look at all this sand. This is real sand! My God, where'd they get all this sand?! A SECURITY GUARD sees him. SECURITY GUARD Hey, YOU. This is a closed set. Ed is caught. He hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO ó DAY Ed continues across the lot, carrying his palm tree. An OLD CRUSTY MAN sticks his head out an office window. OLD CRUSTY MAN Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got some great new stuff to show you. Ed puts down the plant again and runs in. INT. EDITING ROOMS ó DAY The old guy is proudly showing Ed STOCK FOOTAGE on a moviola. The footage is totally random: Giant explosions, buffalos stampeding, tanks, an octopus swimming, etc. Ed is dazzled. ED This is fantastic! What are you gonna do with it all? OLD CRUSTY MAN Eh, probably file it away and never see it again. ED It's such a waste. If I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie out of this stock footage! (getting inspired) See, the story opens with these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So the military is called in to solve the mystery. OLD CRUSTY MAN Ya forgot the octopus. ED No, I'm saving that for the big underwater climax! The old guy cackles. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed finally carries the tree into the Laemmle Building. INT. STUDIO OFFICES - SAME TIME Young SECRETARIES in June Cleaver hairdos are giggling. SECRETARY #1 They say he was a girl trapped in a man's body. SECRETARY #2 I'll bet it hurt when they snipped his thing off. EEWWW! All the girls shriek in horror. Ed walks in and puts down his plant. ED What are you ladies gabbin' about? SECRETARY #1 You know that Christine Jorgensen freak? He/she/it's in "Variety." Some producer is making a biopic. ED (startled) R-really? I didn't see the story. SECRETARY #1 Ah, it was buried in the back. The guy's a real smallótime operator. She holds up her "Variety." Ed hurriedly takes it. CUT TO: INSERT - VARIETY The story headline says "BOYóTOóCHICK FLICK TO CLICK." We PULL OUT, revealing we're now in INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY Ed holds the newspaper while he paces around his apartment. The place has threadbare carpet, faded wallpaper, and an electric burner for a kitchen. A handful of mangy DOGS run around. Tacked-up are movie posters for "DRACULA," "FREAKS," and "THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS." Dolores talks on the phone, while Ed silently coaches her. DOLORES (on phone) Yes, I've got Mr. Edward Wood on the line. Could you please hold? Ed gives her a thumbs up -- perfect! He confidently takes the phone. ED (on phone) Hello, Mr. Weiss? I heard about your new project and was curious if you signed a director. Oh -- you haven't? Well, if we could get together, I could explain why I'm more qualified to direct this than anyone else in town. (beat) Uh, I'd rather not go into it over the phone... Alright. Great! l'll see you then! Ed hangs up and YELPS excitedly. He kisses Dolores. She pulls away. DOLORES Eddie, I don't understand. Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen Story? ED (nervous, he lies) Aw, er, it's just a bunch of hot air. I had to say something to get in the door. CUT TO: INT. LOW-RENT HALLWAY - DAY Ed walks jauntily along, wearing a snappy suit. He reaches a door that says "SCREEN CLASSICS ó George Weiss, President." Ed fixes his hair, checks his clothes, then enters. INT. SCREEN CLASSICS ó SAME TIME It's a crowded root, piled with paperwork and files. Film cans are stacked everywhere, and framed oneósheets for "TEST TUBE BABIES," "BLONDE PICKUP" and "GIRL GANG" litter the cracked walls. Sitting behind the messy desk is GEORGIE WEISS, 60, a rug merchant turned exploitation film producer. He juggles a large sandwich and angrily barks into the phone. GEORGIE (on phone) Look, when I said you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all eleven states! I meant California, Oregon, and uh, what's that one above it... Washington. Oh really?! Well screw you! Georgie slams down the phone. He smiles warmly at Ed. GEORGIE Can I help you? ED Yes, I'm Ed Wood. I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture. GEORGIE Yeah, well a couple of things have changed. It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn "Variety" printed the story before I had the rights, and now that bitch is asking for the sky. ED (disappointed) So you're not gonna make the movie? GEORGIE No, of COURSE I'm gonna make the movie! I've already preósold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies really go for that twisted pervert stuff. So we'll just make it without that she-male. We'll fictitionalize it. Georgie bites into his sandwich. Ed is dazed. ED Is there a script? GEORGIE Fuck no! But there's a poster. Georgie pulls out artwork of a hermaphrodite: Man on the left side, woman on the right. The lettering screams, "I CHANGED MY SEX!" GEORGIE It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa. ED (mustering up his courage) Well, Mr. Weiss, I'm your guy. I work fast, and I'm a deal: I write AND direct. And I'm good. I just did a play in Hollywood, and Victor Crowley praised its realism. GEORGIE Hmm. There's five-hundred guys in town who can tell me the same thing. You said on the phone you had some kind of "special qualifications." Ed takes a measured piuse. This is his big revelation. ED Well, Mr. Weiss, I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you... but I really want this job. (he gulps) I like to dress in women's clothing. GEORGIE Are you a fruit? ED No, no, not at all! I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them. GEORGIE So you're not a fruit? ED Nah, I'm all man. I even fought in WW2. (beat) 'Course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments under my uniform. GEORGIE You gotta be kiddin' me. ED Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties. I'll tell ya, I wasn't scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded, and having the medics discover my secret. Georgie sits back. It's a hell of a story. GEORGIE And this is why you think you're the most qualified to make my movie? ED Yeah. I know what it's like to live with a secret, and worry about what people are gonna think of you... My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out. Georgie shrugs. GEORGIE Ed, you seem like a nice kid, but look around you... (he gestures at the posters) I don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories. I make movies like "Chained Girls." I need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days that'll make me a profit. (beat) I'm sorry. That's all that matters. CUT TO: INT. BAR ó DAY Ed sits morosely in a scuzzy bar, three empty shot glasses in front of him. A BARTENDER ambles over. BARTENDER Are you gonna get something else? Ed glumly empties his pocket. All he has is change. Ed sighs, and staggers out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, his head hanging low. A restaurant door opens, and an EISENHOWER ERA NUCLEAR FAMILY exits. Whitebread Dad, Mom, Son, and Daughter stride out in their starched clean clothes. They march obliviously past Ed. He watches them go, then continues. Ed reaches a building, "HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY," and glances in the window. A pause, then he does a doubletake. THROUGH THE WINDOW The showroom is filled with sample coffins. Lying inside one is BELA LUGOSI. ANGLE - ED He is flabbergasted. INT. HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY - SAME TIME Lugosi slowly sits up inside the coffin. Bela is an aged 70- year-old man, once a great star, now a faded memory trying to hang on to his nobility. Quite frail and tired, he is still a master of the grand gesture. An UNCTUOUS SALESMAN steps up. Bela speaks, in a thick Hungarian ACCENT which gives him an Old World elegance. BELA Too constrictive. This is the most uncomfortable coffin I have ever been in. SALESMAN Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I've never had any complaints before. BELA The selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time. Mildly annoyed, Bela climbs out. He straightens his cloak and walks to the exit -- where be bumps into nervous Ed. ED Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi?? BELA (irritated) I told you, I don't want any of your goddamn coffins. ED No. I don't work here. BELA Huh? Bela peers at Ed, then glances confusedly over his shoulder at the salesman. Oh. Bela looks back at anxious Ed. BELA Who are you? What do you want? ED I don't want anything. I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies. BELA Ha! Bela strides out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - SAME TIME Bela hurries along. Ed chases after him. ED Why were you buying a coffin? BELA Because I'm planning on dying soon. ED (concerned) Really? BELA Yes. I'm embarking on another bus- andótruck tour of "Dracula." Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable. Bela pulls out a large smelly cigar and lights it. ED You know, I saw you perform "Dracula." In Poughkeepsie, in 1938. BELA Eh, that was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk! ED I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie. BELA Thank you. ED I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside. BELA I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge. A CITY BUS approaches. BELA Oh, there's my bus. (he checks his pockets) Shit, where's my transfer?! ED Don't you bave a car? BELA I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen. The bus pulls up, and the doors open. Ed is worried he's about to lose his new friend. He gets an idea... CUT TO: INT. 1948 NASH RAMBLER - DAY Ed drives anxiously. Bela sits next to him, filling the car with smoke from his big cigar. ED Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life. When is your next picture coming out? BELA I have no next picture. ED Ah, you gotta be jokin'! A great man like you... I'll bet you have dozens of 'em lined up. BELA Back in the old days, yes. But now -- no one give two fucks for Bela. Bela puffs on his oversized cigar. ED But you're a big star! BELA No more. I haven't worked in four years. This town, it chews you up, then spits you out. I'm just an ex-bogeyman. (he points) Make a right. EXT. BELA'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Ed drives past pumping oil wells and into a seedy neighborhood. They reach a tiny, well-manicured house. Ed and Bela get out. BELA (bitter) They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it's all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers -- who would believe such nonsense! ED The old ones were much spookier. They had castles, full moons... BELA They were mythic. They had a poetry to them. (he lowers his voice) And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters. ED The women? BELA The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror. ED I never thought of that. BELA Take my word for it. You want to "score" with a young lady, you take her to see "Dracula." Bela's eyes twinkle. He reaches his front door and unlocks it. INSIDE... it's awful. Squalid, dark, with skulls and strange voodoo objects scattered about. Up front hangs a large photograph of shockingly young Bela, handsome and regal. Ed is stunned by this dismal place, but doesn't say anything. Within, DOGS start BARKING crazily. BELA Ugh, what a mess. (beat) My wife of twenty years left me last month. I'm not much of a housekeeper. The dogs BARK louder. BELA Shh! I'm coming! I will feed you! ED Well... I guess I should go. Perhaps we could get together again? BELA (he shakes his hand) Certainly. But now the children of the night are calling me. Bela smiles and steps inside. The door closes. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES'S APARTMRNT - DAY Dolores is in her 1950's kitchenette, making a green jello mold. Ed bursts in, euphoric. ED Sweetie, you won't believe it! I've got the most incredible news! DOLORES (excited) You got the job?!! ED Huh?! (confused) Oh, uh, no, I didn't get the job. But something better happened! DOLORES Better than not getting a job? ED Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody really big! DOLORES Who? Robert Taylor?! ED (annoyed) No! A horror movie star! DOLORES Boris Karloff!? ED Close! The other one! DOLORES You met Basil Rathbone! ED Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA LUGOSI! DOLORES I thought he was dead. Ed's eyes pop. ED No! He's very alive. Well... sort of. He's old, and frail -- but he's still Bela Lugosi! And he's really nice. DOLORES Boy, I can't even remember the last time he was in a picture. ED It's a shame. He's such a rest actor, and nobody uses him anymore. DOLORES So did you get his autograph? Ed calms down. He smiles beatifically. ED No. It wasn't like that at all. It was just the two of us, and we were talkin'... and he treated me like -- a friend... CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY Ed is back in the plant department, arguing with his boss. RUDE BOSS He's a bum. ED No he's not! Do you realize how much money he made for this studio over the years? "Dracula"! "The Raven"! "The Black Cat"! RUDE BOSS Yeah? Well now he's a junkie. He don't deserve to work. ED That's not true -- RUDE BOSS He's so great, you hire him. ED (defensive) Well, uh, if I could I would... The guy takes a mocking face and struts out. Ed glares. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S ROUSE - NIGHT It's Halloween night. CHILDREN in trick-or-treating costumes parade up and down the streets. Through Bela's window, we see him and Ed watching TELEVISION -- a small fuzzy screen in a huge console. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME ON THE TV, one of Bela's old '30s horror films plays. Bela's evil character is hypnotizing somebody: His eyes stare the famous stare, then his hand does the famous hypnotic gesture. ON ED AND BELA They are entranced. The men drink beers in silence. Bela's TWO DOGS lie at his feet. ON THE TV The old movie suddenly stops, and VAMPIRA appears on the TV screen. Vampira, 25, is the sexy "Creature Feature" hostess, a pale ghoul slipped into a tight black dress. She leers in front of a corny fog-shrouded set. There is a pumpkin, a broomstick, and a sign reading "Happy Halloween." VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! Those eyes! He gives me the willies! The only thing scarier than him is this guy I dated last week: Charlie from Pittsburgh. Boy, talk about the living dead... ON THE MEN Ed is disgruntled. ED Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts the pictures. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect. BELA (glued to the TV) I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs. Ed LAUGHS. Bela waves his arm and starts doing his hypnotic hand gesture at the TV. BELA Vampira! You will come under my spell! You will be my slave of love. ED (fascinated by Bela's hand) Hey Bela, how do you do that? BELA You must be double-jointed, and you must be Hungarian. (back at the TV) Vampira, look at me! Stare into my eyes. Ed joins Bela in this activity. The two of them wave their arms spookily at the TV. Bela becomes fatigued. BELA I am getting tired. I need to take my medicine. ED Do you want me to get it for you? BELA No thank you, Eddie. I'll be alright. Bela smiles. He gets up, shuffles across the room, and steps behind a curtain. Ed is puzzled. Bela's thin arm appears and draws the curtain tight. We hear mysterious CLANGING, drawers opening and closing, and then silence. Ed sits, waiting. Behind the curtain, something DROPS. We hear a muffled "Shit!" Ed is getting worried. But then the curtain whips open, and Bela bounds out, grinning. He's a bundle of energy. BELA I feel better now. AT THE DOOR The doorbell RINGS. Kids SHOUT "Trick or treat!" Bela jumps up gleefully. BELA Children! I love children. Bela puts on his famous cape, then gets a pair of fangs and sticks them in his mouth. OUTSIDE Little kids in Lone Ranger and Howdy Doody costumes giggle expectantly. Suddenly the door flies open, and standing there is Count Dracula! The real Count Dracula. YEOWWWW!!! The kids SCREAM and run. Bela chuckles. Every kid is gone... except one TOUGH BOY. BELA Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood! TOUGH BOY Ehh, you're not a real vampire. You can't turn into a bat, and those teeth don't frighten me. Suddenly Ed lurches out, menacingly. ED Well how about these teeth?!! Ed RIPS HIS TEETH out of his head and thrusts them at the kid. The boy SCREAMS in terror and races away. Bela is wowed. BELA Hey, how'd you do that? Ed smiles impishly, then sticks the teeth back in his mouth. ED Dentures. I lost my pearlies in the war. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and Bela run toward us, Bela's cape flapping in the wind. Ed takes a swig from Bela's flask. They're a bit tipsy. ED Are you sure this is okay? BELA Don't worry. I do it every Halloween. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT The moonlight shines down on a rickety old cemetery. The wind blows hauntingly, and tombstones gleam in the blackness. Ed and Bela reach the locked gates. They glance at each other, then start to climb over. Ed helps Bela. They jump down, and Ed peers nervously. ED Now what? Bela looks like a child on Christmas morning. He takes another swig, then starts running giddily. He disappears into the cemetery. BELA I am DRACULA! Bela darts happily through the graves. His cape flies behind him. BELA I am the BAT!! Ed's eyes light up. He starts chasing after Bela. Bela's heart is racing. He zig-zags past ancient crypts. Gargoyles peer down. The wind howls through the skeletal trees, silhouetted against the cloudy sky. Ed runs through the shadows, trying to catch up. Bela flaps his cape up and down. We almost think he's going to fly. Ed races up, then quietly stops. He eagerly watches Bela, practically expecting him to turn into a bat. It's a magical, crazed moment. BELA I am DRACUlA! I will LIVE FOREVER!!! Bela laughs, then lies down on the grass. WIDE Ed slowly walks over and lies next to Bela. They're happy, eyes alert, on top of the world. Ed peers in wonder at his new friend. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS OFFICE - DAY Ed sits across from Georgie. Ed's very excited. GEORGIE So what's the big news you couldn't tell me over the phone... again? Ed gulps excitedly. He has a spiel all planned out. ED Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin' about what you said, about how all your movies have to make a profit. And I realized, what's the one thing, that if you put in a movie, it'll be successful?? GEORGIE (he thinks) Tits. ED No. Better than tits -- a star! Georgie shakes his head. GEORGIE Eddie, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures. I make crap. ED Yeah, but if you took that crap and put a star in it, you'd have something! GEORGIE Yeah. Crap with a star. ED (impassioned) No! It would be something better! Something impressive. The biggest moneymaker you've ever had! GEORGIE Fine, maybe you're right. But it doesn't friggin' matter. I can't afford a star, so I don't even know what we're talking about. Ed grins. ED What if I told you you could have a star for $1000?? GEORGIE (skeptical) Who? Ed opens his valise and whips out an 8x10 GLOSSY OF BELA. GEORGIE Lugosi? ED Yeah! Lugosi! GEORGIE Isn't he dead? ED (annoyed) No, he's not dead! He lives in Baldwin Hills. I met him recently, and he wants to be in our picture. GEORGIE OUR picture? ED (sheepishly) Uh, yeah. Our picture. Georgie mulls this over. He's interested. GEORGIE Why would Lugosi want to be in a sex-change flick? ED Because he's my friend. Georgie stares carefully at Ed, then finally smiles. GEORGIE Alright, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days, and we start shooting a week from Monday. ANGLE - ED He leaps up euphorically. He eagerly pumps Georgie's hand. ED Thank you! Bless you, Mr. Weiss! I promise I won't let you down! CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY CU on a ROYAL TYPEWRITER. Ed's hands whirl across the portable typewriter, frantically feeding in pages as fast as be can type. We PULL OUT. Ed sits on the bed, typing. He's a blur of activity, juggling a cigarette, coffee, and a telephone, while he writes. ED (on phone) But Bunny, you're perfect for this job! You're so good at organizing. His adrenalin is pumping. Ed pours some booze into his coffee. ED You know these people. I need all the transsexuals and transvestites you can get. (he sucks on his cigarette) No, I don't care if they're not actors. I want realism. I want this film to tell the truth! I've waited my whole life for this shot, and I'm not gonna blow it. There's a KNOCK at the door. Ed carries the phone on a long cord and answers it. Bela hurries in, smiling broadly. BELA Eddie, you got a new movie for me?! ED Yeah, it's gonna be a great picture! You'll love your character! (back into the phone) Bunny, Bela's here. Look, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites! Ed hangs up and resumes typing. Bela is puzzled. BELA Eddie, what kind of movie is this? ED Well, It's about how people have two personalities. The side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside. BELA (delighted) Oh, like Jekyll and Hyde! Ah, I've always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde! I'm looking forward to this production. Ed stops typing. He pours Bela a drink. ED Ehh, your part's a little different. You're like the God that looks down on all the characters, and oversees everything. BELA I don't understand. ED Well... you control everyone's fate. You're like the puppetmaster. BELA (getting it) Ah, so I pull the strings! ED Yeah. You pull the strings -- (he suddenly gets a look) "Pull the strings"... hey, that's pretty good! Ed quickly starts typing again. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed and Dolores sit at a card table, finishing up dinner. The dogs eat scraps below them. ED Wipe off your hands. I've got a little surprise for you... (he smiles nervously) I finished my script. Ed anxiously pulls out a pile of pages. Dolores looks in awe at the cover: "'GLEN OR GLENDA' By Edward D. Wood, Jr"" DOLORES Ed, I'm so proud! I'll read it as soon as I get home. ED (apprehensive) Well, I'd really like to know what you think. Why don't you go in the bedroom and take a look at it? I'll Wait... There's an uneasy moment between them. She senses something funny. Dolores takes the script and goes into the bedroom. The door closes. Ed starts pacing... DISSOLVE TO: INT. BEDROOM - LATER Dolores reads the script. She finishes the last page, then looks up. She is very shaken. Dolores stands. She grabs the door and opens it. THROUGH THE DOORWAY Ed stands somberly in drag. He's in a pantsuit, heels, and pink angora sweater. Dolores is totally rattled. She struggles for a response. DOLORES So that's where my sweater's been. Ed silently nods. DOLORES How long have you been doing this? ED Since I was a kid. My mom wanted a girl, so she used to dress me in girlie clothing. It just kinda became a habit. DOLORES Jesus Christ! And you never told me? ED This is my way of telling you -- DOLORES (furious) What, by putting it in a fuckin' script, for everyone to see?! What kind of sick mind would operate like that? Ed is terribly hurt. Dolores shakes tht script. DOLORES And what about this so-called "Barbara" character? It's obviously ME! I'm so embarrassed! This is our life! ED (quiet) Of course it is. And that's why you should play the part. DOLORES Oh! You got nerve, buddy. He calmly points at the script. ED It's a damn good role. DOLORES That's not the issue!! (she suddenly stops) Ugh! How can you act so casual, when you're dressed like that?! ED It takes me comfortable. DOLORES Oh, just like in the script! Ed smiles serenely. ED Exactly. (he takes her hand) So what do ya say? Do you wanna break up... or do you wanna do the movie with me? Dolores sighs. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS - DAY The hallway is filled with eager TRANSVESTITES. It's a very festive atmosphere, and Bunny tries to create some order. Inside the busy office, Paul types, and Conrad cranks a mimeograph machine. CONRAD It's good to have a job. Now I can get my phone reconnected. In a corner, Georgie angrily waves the script at Ed. GEORGIE I thought this was gonna be a sex- change film! ED (defensive) There's still a sex-change -- GEORGIE Yeah! Five pages right before it ends! The rest of the show is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters. ED I don't think he's a schmuck. GEORGIE And what's with this new title?! My poster says "I CHANGED MY SEX"! ED So change the poster. Trust me, you'll be better off. This is a story that's gonna grab people. (he goes into a pitch) It's about this guy. He's crazy about this girl but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn. George, this is DRAMA. Georgie throws up his hands GEORGIE Fine, shoot whatever baloney you want! I give up. Just make sure it's seven reels long. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING We are on location for Ed's first film! A SMALL CREW of a dozen unpacks the camera and reflectors from their cars. Ed's voice rises above the hubbub. ED (O.S.) Excuse me, could I have everyone's attention?! Could you gather around? I've got something to say. The crew members put down their things and gather in a circle. In the middle, we reveal Ed, in complete drag. Dress, nylons, pumps, lovely blonde wig... he's quite a sight. Like an eager Scoutmaster, he addresses his troops. ED Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey. Four days of hard work... but when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten, and maybe even move millions of people. A COUPLE GRIPS glance at each other. ED Now the only way we're gonna achieve all this is if we stay on schedule. Day one -- TODAY -- we'll start easy. We have eighteen silent scenes that can be shot quickly: Cars parking, Patrick's suicide, me strolling as a man, me strolling as a woman, etc. (beat) After lunch, we'll bring in the Inspector and the Doctor. The Doctor is very important to the plot, so we might have to spend time on retakes. But it's worth it. Scene totals for the first day is thirty-four. (he catches a breath) Day Two, we'll be a little busier -- Veteran CAMERAMAN BILL, an old guy with thick glasses, speaks. CAMERAMAN BILL Excuse me Eddie, I don't mean to interrupt... but I'm gettin' a little worried about those clouds. He points up. Everybody looks at the sky. The clouds are gray. Ed nods in agreement. ED Good thinkin'. We'll talk about Days Three and Four later. Now let's get that first shot off! It's Scene 17, Glenda looking in the window. THE CREW disperses. Ed quickly runs in his heels over to the burly make-up man, HARRY. ED Okay, do I need any touch-up? MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm telling ya, eyelashes are the way to go. ED (irritated) Harry, we've discussed this a million times. I don't want to look like a girl. I want to look like myself. MAKE-UP MAN MARRY (disgruntled) Fine. Then you look beautiful. Harry humorlessly powders Ed's nose. Ed turns away and suddenly SHOUTS into a giant megaphone. ED PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA! CAMERAMAN BILL (nonchalant) Rolling. WIDE Ed chucks the megaphone and runs crazily past the camera and behind a building. ED'S VOICE And -- ACTION! A pause, and then Ed, in character as Glenda, calm and dignified, steps out and walks down the sidewalk. Ed stops at a store window. He's totally in shadow. A grip grimaces. He TURNS ON a light Ed lights up. He looks in the window, admires a dress on display, then silently walks out of frame. A beat. Ed SCREAMS. ED And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET'S MOVE ON! CAMERAMAN BILL Don't you want a second take, for protection? ED (exhilarated) What's to protect? It was perfect! Suddenly a police car turns the corner. CREW MEMBER Cops! ED We don't have a permit. RUN! Everyone grabs equipment and takes off. WIPE TO: INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS - DAY The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela's set: A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is perched high in his director's chair, back in men's clothes. ED The set doesn't look right! It looks too... empty. Clutter it up. Put a skeleton in the corner. And what's that thing over there? PAUL MARCO I don't know. ED Well it looks good. Let's use it! Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script. GEORGIE Ed! What's with these revised pages?! A scene in a smelting factory? A buffalo stampede?? Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio Beach??! What's going on here? I can't afford to film this nonsense! ED Don't worry. We're not gonna film any of it. GEORGIE Then how's it gonna get in the picture?! ED I know a guy in Universal's stock house -- he's giving me the footage for free. This movie's gonna look like a million bucks. Georgie nods. Oh, okay. O.S. VOICE Mr. Lugosi has arrived! Ed jumps excitedly. ED Oh my God! (he YELLS) Mr. Lugosi is here! Now everyone, when he walks on the stage (nobody is listening; so Ed uses his MEGAPHONE) Now everyone, when he walks on the stage, treat him normal. I know Bela Lugosi is a world-famous star, and you're all a little excited, but we're professionals. So if you treat him with respect, everything will be alright. AT THE STAGE DOOR The door swings open, and Bela strides in, looking dapper. He glances at the teensy stage, and his face falls imperceptibly. Ed runs up, bounding with enthusiasm. ED Bela! It's so great to see you! (he glances at his watch) And eight o'clock on the dot. Right on time! BELA I am always on time. ED Of course! Well, we got a big day planned for you... First, we're gonna start off a little easy, with you in that armchair over there. Then, once you're up to speed and cooking, we'll reset and bring out the laboratory equipment -- BELA (he leans in and WHISPERS) Uh, Eddie, do you have my money? ED Huh?! Oh yeah, of course. Ed and Bela step over to a corner. ACROSS THE ROOM From a distance, Ed pulls a wad of money from his pocket and peels off a few bills for Bela. The crew watches, fascinated. WIPE TO: LATER Bela is seated in the ratty armchair on the set. Harry does his make-up. Harry glances at Bela's arm, and it is full of TRACK MARKS. Harry grimaces, but doesn't say anything. Conrad eagerly scurries up. CONRAD Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy, but could I have your autograph? BELA (cordial) Of course. Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it. CONRAD You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray." You were great as Karloff's sidekick. Bela's face suddenly hardens. He snaps. BELA "Sidekick"?? "KARLOFF"?!! Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph. BELA Fuck you!! Karloff doesn't deserve to smell my shit! That limey cocksucker can rot in hell, for all I care!!! WIDE Ed panickedly runs up. ED What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what did you do? CONRAD (upset, close to crying) Nothin'! I told him he was great. BELA How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?!! You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?! NO! It's just make-up and grunting! GRRR! GRRR! GRRR! Ed is frozen in fear. He glances across the stage. Georgie is flabbergasted. He points urgently at his watch. Ed nods. He motions to Conrad: Get out of here. Conrad runs away. Ed leans in to Bela. ED You're right, Bela. Now Dracula, that's a part that takes acting. BELA Of course! Dracula requires presence. It's all in the voice, and the eyes, and the hand -- Bela waves his outstretched arm. Ed tries to calm him. ED Look, you seem a little agitated. Do you maybe wanna take a little break, go for a nice walk... and then we'll come back and shoot the scene? BELA BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the camera!! The crew is baffled. Ed shrugs at them. ED Um, okay... roll camera CAMERAMAN BILL (unsure) Rolling. ED Sound! SOUNDMAN Speed. CAMERA ASSISTANT Mark. Scene Thirty-One. The Assistant CLAPS the slate in front of Bela, then runs. ED And... action? It's dead quiet. Nobody knows what's about to happen. WE MOVE IN TO BELA. And... he suddenly assumes character. Like the consumate pro he is. Bela gets a wicked, sinister leer, then starts intoning threateningly: BELA (as the SPIRIT) "Beware. Beware! Beware, of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys! Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails! Beware. Take care. Beware!" CLOSEUP - ED He is blown away. He quietly mumbles in amazement. ED Brilliant. WIPE TO: INT. STAGE - NEXT DAY Dolores studies her script, as the crew lights a flimsy kitchen set. Ed strolls past, nonchalantly removing a ladies' wig and earrings. She stares in disbelief. DOLORES How can you just walk around like that, in front of all these people? ED Hon', nobody's bothered but you. (he gestures) Look around -- they couldn't care less. DOLORES Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with WEIRDOS! ED Say it a little louder. I don't think Bela heard you in his trailer. Dolores quiets down. She feels bad. ED Dolores. I need your help... WIPE TO: FILMING IN PROGRESS - LATER A scene is being shot, on camera. Ed (as Glen) and Dolores (as Barbara) stare into each other's eyes. He's dressed normal, and she wears a fuzzy angora sweater. ED (as GLEN) "My mind's in a muddle. I thought I could stop wearing these things. I tried, honestly I tried..." DOLORES (as BARBARA) (tentative) "Glen, I don't fully understand this. But maybe together -- we can work it out." She stands up, dramatically takes off her angora sweater, and gives it to Ed. He holds it meaningfully, then smiles proudly. ED Music swells... and CUT and PRINT IT! Ed and Dolores hug. CUT TO: INT. EDITING ROOM - DAY On a MOVIOLA, we see the black-and-white image of Dolores taking off her angora and giving it to Ed. WE PULL OUT. Ed and Georgie are hunched over, watching the movie. Ed smiles proudly. ED And we fade out. "The End." (the film runs out) What do you think? Georgie peers at his watch. He shakes his bead. GEORGIE I think it's fifty-seven minutes long. ED Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it? GEORGIE (like a lecturing teacher) Ed, what was the one thing I asked you to do? Make it seven reels long. I've got contracts with my exhibitors. If it ain't over an hour, they won't play it. ED Gee, I used every frame of film we shot. Maybe they won't notice. GEORGIE They'll notice. (beat) Look, why don't you let me take over from here? I can do a few tricks: Pad it out with more stock footage, add establishing shots... ED Um, I guess -- GEORGIE Good. And one more thing. I think your "Written, Directed, and Starring Ed Wood" credit is a bad idea. ED Why?! I did all those things! Hell, I even built the props. GEORGIE And you did a bang-up job, too. But you don't want other producers to know that's you in drag. Trust me. It's a career killer. Ed is quite upset. ED But I'm proud. I wrote, directed, and starred in it just like Orson Welles in "Citizen Kane"! GEORGIE Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he??! Ed is beaten. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT It's the cast and crew screening! The eager two-dozen people are packed into a tiny screening room. The lights dim, and the movie starts. A LIBRARY MUSIC fanfare, and then: "Bela Lugosi in GLEN OR GLENDA" Everyone APPLAUDS excitedly. Bela smiles. Credits continue: "Featuring Daniel Davis and Dolores Fuller" The audience is audibly baffled. Bunny BLURTS out. BUNNY Daniel Who?! Dolores leans in to Ed. DOLORES Ed, who is Daniel Davis? ED (sour) Some weirdo who likes to wear dresses. DISSOLVE TO: LATER IN THE MOVIE ON-SCREEN, Dolores looks tenderly at Ed. DOLORES (on screen) "Glen. Is it another woman?" Ed as Glen nervously ponders his response. But suddenly -- MUSIC THUNDERS in. The movie cuts to buffalo stampeding. Bela's angry face is superimposed over this. BELA (on screen) "Pull the string! Pull the string!" IN THE AUDIENCE People are impressed by this technique. Bela nods in approval. ON-SCREEN Out of nowhere, CHEAP JAZZ MUSIC starts, and the movie abruptly cuts to SLEAZY STAG PARTY-STYLE FOOTAGE! A bare-chested man whips a bound woman! A woman dominates another tied to a large stick! A brunette violently rips off her dress and does a hoochie-coochie dance! IN THE AUDIENCE The crowd is stunned. CAMERAMAN BILL I didn't shoot that! Ed looks back at Georgie, who's wearing a big satisfied grin. ED Georgie, what's with the stag footage?? You said you were cutting in establishing shots! GEORGIE I did. I established some tits and ass. Ed rolls his eyes. He turns back to the movie. INT. PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT Everybody is CELEBRATING, with a raucous party. People are boozing it up. BIG BAND MUSIC plays. Ed dances with Dolores. Paul smokes a joint. Conrad falls over a table and breaks a lamp. Bela dances happily with a cute young REDHEAD. BELA Wasn't I something..? Did you see how I command the screen?! Ed's giddy buddies stumble over with foaming glasses of beer. BUNNY Ed, it was superb. CONRAD A great show! A little strange... but great -- especially my scenes. ED Just like I always promised. Now you're among the immortals. You're movie stars. PAUL MARCO (he raises his glass) Here's to Ed. For making us into something. It's a warm moment. They all CLINK their glasses. Dolores kisses Ed. CUT TO: EXT. BUNGALOW HOUSE - DAY We're outside a cute little Spanish bungalow house. Ed and Dolores are moving in. They lug furniture from a rented truck. ED From today on, our lives are different! We'll be swimming laps in the same pool Jean Harlow did. DOLORES I don't know. It's so much money... ED Who cares?! We're on a ROLL! These are the moments in life you're supposed to grab. DOLORES But Ed, we're not even married. And you don't have a job. ED But you do! And anyway, I've got tons of new scripts. And now that I have a track record, studios are bound to hire me! She just stares. Ed shrugs, semi-reassuringly. ED Look on the bright side. If we miss the rent, what's the worst they can do? DOLORES Toss us out on our ass. ED Exactly. INT. BUNGALOW - DAY The house is moved in. Ed's unkempt dogs run about. Pumped-up Ed sits on the bed typing fiendishly fast while wearing an angora sweater. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and a bottle of booze lays in his lap. Bela sits quietly nearby. ED How 'bout a western? People love westerns. BELA But, I don't like horses. Do I have to get on one? ED Eh, forget it. What else is big? (his face lights up) Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah... You got the juvenile delinquent, his girlfriend from the wrong side of the tracks -- BELA Who do I play? ED Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father. He's angry! He doesn't like seeing his son -- no -- he doesn't like seeing his daughter behave this way! BELA (cautious, not to offend) Well... can't I play the romantic part? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. You know, back in Hungary, I played Romeo! I would like to be the lover again -- me, in a boat, with the girl... Ed considers this. ED Sure. Romance, that's great! To engineer your comeback, we're gonna need a whole slate of pictures. Once "Glen Or Glenda" takes off, we'll slam you into one, then another, then another! BELA (he smiles) That's good. I could use the money. ED But we need to start off with a bang! Something we know the audience will want to see. Mmm. What was your biggest hit? BELA (he thinks) Hmm... my biggest hit? That would probably be "Dracula." ED Of course! Ed crabs a pen and excitedly scrawls out the word "DRACULA." Bela frowns. BELA Those bastards at Universal. I made so much money for them, and now I can't get the time of day. ED So let's make another "Dracula." Let's make "The Return of Dracula"! BELA We can't. Those sons-a-bitches control the rights. ED They do? Shoot. There must be a way to get around that... Ed's mind is working. He holds out the paper and stares at it. Suddenly, he grins. He grabs the pen and makes a period after the "DR." It now says "DR.ACULA" ED Ha-ha! Dr. Acula! BELA Dracula? ED No! Doctor Acula! You can still wear the cape, have the fangs... but you're a doctor! Not a count. BELA Ah! This is very exciting. ED (inspired) I gotta type this up, while it's still fresh! Ed rips the paper from his typewriter, puts in a blank page, and starts typing. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - DAY We're outside the imposing gates of MGM. The lion logo is overhead. Ed drives up in his dirty Nash Rambler convertible. He wears his nicest suit. Ed peers nervously at the GUARD. ED Excuse me, I'm here to see Mr. Feldman. The Guard stares suspiciously at Ed. His filthy car is leaking oil. GUARD What's your name? ED Edward D. Wood, Junior. The man frowns. He looks through his files -- then finds a parking slip with Ed's name. He is surprised. GUARD Oh. Eh, he's in the Executive Building. You can park in the reserved section. Ed smiles. INT. EXECUTIVE WAITING ROOM - DAY The room is very posh, with fancy paneling and marble floors. Ed sits nervously under posters for "GRAND HOTEL" and "QUO VADIS." Film cans labled "Glen Or Glenda" rest in his lap. SECRETARY Sir, Mr. Feldman will see you now. She hits an electric button. A large oak door swings open. INT. OFFICE Behind a giant desk is MR. FELDMAN, a glib, thin over- caffeinated man. He jumps up, smiling. MR. FELDMAN Mr. Ward, it's a delight to meet you. ED (shaking his hand) It's Wood. Ed Wood. MR. FELDMAN Wood? Ward? Wood. (puzzled, he glances at his appointment book) Hey, what do you know. It is Wood. Dang secretaries, you can never get a good one. Right? Ed shrugs. Feldman grins. MR. FELDMAN So what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have resumes to show. I've got my own movie. MR. FELDMAN Really?! Well good for you. ED I just made this picture, over at Screen Classics. It opens next week. MR. FELDMAN Screen Classics? Hmm, don't know them. ED Nobody in town has seen it, so I'm givin' you first crack at my talents. MR. FELDMAN I can't wait to take a look. (he claps his hands) So what's up next? Ed leans in. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, I don't believe in thinking small. So I've got a whole slate of pictures for you: "The Vampire's Tomb," "The Ghoul Goes West"... and "Doctor Acula"! MR. FELDMAN Doctor Acula? I don't get it. ED Dr. Acula! Ed writes it out, "DR. ACULA," then waves it in Feldman's face. Feldman nods. MR. FELDMAN Oh, "Dr. Acula." I get it. (beat) I don't like it. ED But Bela Lugosi's in it! MR. FELDMAN Lugosi's washed-up. What else you got? Ed grimaces. Lugosi was 90% of his pitch. He vamps. ED Well... I've got another project I wasn't gonna tell you about. Lugosi's in it, but he's got a smaller part. The lead is an ingenue, a sterling young actress named Dolores Fuller. The title is "Bride Of The Atom." MR. FELDMAN Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like it. (he smiles) I'll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don't you leave those film cans, and my associates and I will take a look at your little opus. Maybe we can do business together. Ed is elated. INT. STUDIO SCREENING ROOM - DAY Feldman and his fellow SMARMY EXECUTIVES sit in a plush screening room. They are viewing "Glen Or Glenda." ON-SCREEN, Ed is in drag. A SOLEMN NARRATOR within the movie speaks: SOLEMN NARRATOR (V.O.) "Give this man satin undies, a dress, and a sweater... and he's the happiest man in the world. He can work better, think better, even play better -- and be more of a credit to his community and his government." ANGLE ON THE EXECUTIVES They are stupefied. Yikes! EXECUTIVE #1 What the hell is this?! EXECUTIVE #2 Is this an actual movie?! EXECUTIVE #1 It can't be. EXECUTIVE #2 It's fuckin' ridiculous! Feldman squints at the screen. FELDMAN Wait a minute. That guy in the dress -- he's the one I met with today! This must be a big PUT-ON! (he CHUCKLES) It's probably another one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes! Everybody suddenly starts HOWLING with laughter. CUT TO: EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY Ed zooms up and chipperly jumps from his car. He buys a "Los Angeles Herald-Express," eagerly opens it to the entertainment pages... and then gets a confused look. Ed quickly starts rifling through the pages -- something is wrong. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed angrily shouts into the phone. ED Georgie, what happened?! I thought "Glen Or Glenda" was opening next week! Where's the ads? An OLD-FASHIONED SPLIT SCREEN of Georgie on the phone appears. GEORGIE (pissed-off) "Where's the ads"?! The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You schmuck, it ain't gonna play L.A.! ED Why not?? GEORGIE Because I can't sell it to save my life! You made a goddamn feathered fish. Is it an art film, a horror show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows! I'm beggin' people to book it. ED (insulted) Maybe it needs special handling. GEORGIE Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more money into different titles: "Transvestite" "He Or She?" "I Led Two Lives"... It DOESN'T MATTER! Nobody wants to see the piece of shit. ED You can't talk that way about my movie. GEORGIE "Your movie"?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever made into this stinkbomb. If I ever see you again, I'll kill you!!! Georgie SLAMS down the phone. His split screen WIPES off, leaving Ed standing alone. Ed stares at the phone, then quietly hangs it up. CUT TO: INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM - NIGHT WHAM! A WRESTLER throws another WRESTLER at the mat. The crowd CHEERS raucously. We're at the Saturday Night Wrestling Matches! In the stands are Ed, Dolores, Bunny, and Bunny's new YOUNG MALE "FRIEND." Seated around them are hollering truckers and ex-Marines. Bunny giggles and nudges gloomy Ed. BUNNY So guess where I'm going next weekend? ED I don't know. Where? BUNNY Mexico! And guess what I'm going to do there?! ED (not enjoying this game) I dunno. Lie on the beach? BUNNY WRONG! I'm getting my first series of hormone shots! And once those babies kick in, they're gonna remove my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN! Ed is astonished. ED Jesus! Are you serious? BUNNY Yes! I've dreamed of it for years, but your movie made me realize I've got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS! The truckers nearby stare. Dolores covers her face. DOLORES Ssh! Will you keep it down? The crowd suddenly ROARS and jumps up. A favorite wrestler has entered the ring, massive TOR JOHNSON, 50. Tor is an incredible sight: A bald, lumbering behemoth. RING ANNOUNCER (amplified) Now entering the ring, in the gold trunks, 350 bone-crunching pounds of pure strength, the "Swedish Angel"... Tor Johnson!!! The crowd goes apeshit. The stands are going to collapse from the SHOUTING. Ed's eyes are the size of saucers. ED My God, look at that guy. He's a mountain! The bell RINGS. Tor quickly grabs his OPPONENT, a man in a blue mask, and throws him at the ground. Then Tor jumps onto his stomach, easily picks him up, and heaves him at the ropes. People CHEER. Ed is flabbergasted. ED I've never seen anything like him! BUNNY And once I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and I are getting married -- ED (eyes glued to the ring) Ssh! He's so big! He's a monster! Can you imagine what that guy would be like in a movie? ON TOR He screams maniacally in Swedish. Tor lifts the Opponent over his head and tosses him into the stands. Three rows of chairs get knocked over. CUT TO: EXT. WRESTLER'S BAR - NIGHT A tiny miniature European car pulls up. Tor Johnson is squeezed inside -- ludicrously oversized for this vehicle. Tor carefully wedges himself out and enters the bar. INT. WRESTLER'S BAR - SAME TIME This rowdy bar is packed with burly WRESTLERS. Tor walks in, and men cheerily yell out: "Hey, Tor!" "Hi, Tor!" Tor grins. In person, he actually seems a jolly, outgoing fellow. Ed waves from the corner ED Mr. Johnson, over here! Tor smiles and lumbers over ED Glad you could fit me in your schedule. TOR (in a hoarse SWEDISH ACCENT) Da pleasure be mine. They shake hands. Ed's hands look like a baby's in Tor's giant mitts. Tor tries to sit in the booth. But he can't fit. TOR Could we moovf to table? ED Oh, of course! Ed jumps up. They move to a large table. Now Tor is happy. He starts shoveling beer nuts into his mouth. ED So, Mr. Johnson -- TOR Tor! ED Tor. Have you ever thought about becoming an actor? TOR (he CHUCKLES) Mm, not good-lookink enough. ED I think you're quite handsome. TOR No. With hair, yah. But I must shave head for wrestlink. It scare da crowds. Dey like that. Ed smiles. ED Well, I think you'd be a sensation in pictures. TOR But what bout accent? Some people tink I haf too much accent. ED Nah, that doesn't matter! It's a visual medium. A WAITRESS saunters over. WAITRESS Tor, what can I get ya? TOR I'll haf eight beers. WAITRESS (nonchalant, to Ed) And you? ED Uhh, I'll have just one. She walks off. Tor shakes the now-empty nut bowl. TOR And more nuts! Ed tries to grab Tor's attention. ED So anyway, I've got this new script, "Bride Of The Atom," and there's a part you're ideal for: "Lobo." He's tough. A brute. But he has a heart -- and at the end he saves the girl. TOR (he laughs merrily) I like. When do movie shoot? ED Hopefully, very soon. I'm just awaiting the final okay from Mr. Feldman at MGM. CUT TO: INT. ED'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores are asleep. Suddenly the phone RINGS. Ed fumbles for it and groggily answers. ED Wood Productions... We hear Bela's weak VOICE. BELA (on phone) Eddie... help me... ED Bela? BELA (on phone) Eddie... please come over -- CLICK. The phone hangs up. Ed is very alarmed. EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT The wind is blowing. Ed's Nash roars up, and he jumps out, a coat over his pajamas. He runs up and POUNDS on Bela's door. ED Bela?! Ed tries the door. It's unlocked. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps into the dark room, and is stunned by what he sees: Bela is slumped on the floor, pasty white, eyes glazed. A rubber tube is tied on his arm, and a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE lies next to him. The dogs crouch behind him, whimpering, despondent, Bela looks up through half-opened eyes. BELA Eddie... my friend. Aghast, Ed runs over. ED Bela, what happened?! BELA I didn't feel well... ED Let me take you to the hospital. BELA No hospital. Just take me to the couch... Ed nods. He picks up the old man and carries him across the room to the couch. The large portrait of Bela, young and robust, peers down. ED Should I call a doctor? BELA Nah. This happens all the time... Ed puts a pillow under Bela's head. ED Is there anything I can get you? Water? A blanket? BELA Goulash. ED (distressed) I don't know how to make goulash. Ed sits next to him. An awkward pause. ED What's in the needle? BELA Morphine, with a demerol chaser. (he starts crying) Eddie, I'm so broke. I don't know what I'm gonna do... ED Don't worry. I'll do something. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - MORNING Ed stands outside MGM, talking into a phone at the guard gate. ED (on phone) Mr. Feldman! I haven't been able to get through, so I just showed up. Yeah, out front! So, are we gonna be working together? (his face slowly falls) Really? Worst film you ever saw...? (beat) Well, my next one will be better. (beat) Hello? INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Dolores tries to cheer up gloomy Ed. He's wearing angora. ED I'm no good. DOLORES Ed, it's just one man's opinion! ED Bela needs a job... I can't even get a film going... (listless) But of course I can't -- I made the worst movie of all time. DOLORES That's ridiculous. Ed sighs. ED All I wanna do is tell stories. The things I find interesting... DOLORES Well maybe you're not studio kind of material. Maybe you just need to raise the money yourself. Ed looks up. INT. BANK - DAY Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER. ED The movie is called "Bride Of The Atom"... INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - DAY Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats. ED ...It will star Bela Lugosi. Each of you would put up $20,000... EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone. ED Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi. He's still alive. (beat) Huh? Is he available Friday night? Gee, I suppose so... Why? cut TO: INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT We're backstage at a '5Os variety show. It's exciting live TV: Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of hyped-up tumult. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They both read off SCRIPTS. BELA "Greetings. I am the Count." ED "Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure." Audience laughs. Applause. "Say, that's a funny place to sleep." BELA "It is my home." ED "Oh, tract housing, huh?" Laugh. "You need a new real estate agent." BELA "Beg to differ. This casket incarpratates, er, inporporates --" Ed interrupts. ED No Bela, that's "incorporates." Look, just say "This casket has..." BELA (upset) Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue? This live television is madness! An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in. ASSISTANT Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi. INT. BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and a turban and is acting mysterious. HOST And then what's gonna happen? CRISWELL In 1960, the automobile will have retractable wings, so it can fly. HOST Sounds like a heck of a way to beat traffic. Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically. CRISWELL By 1970, Man will have colonized Mars. Millions of people will live there. Ed is mesmerized. ED Wow! Ain't that something. INT. STUDIO - LATER We're out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET: Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He's playing his "Slick" character, a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There's more APPLAUSE. BELA Greetings. I am the Count. HOST Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure. The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE. HOST Say, that's a funny place to sleep. BELA It is my home. HOST Oh, tract housing, huh? (he starts AD-LIBBING) I guess I shouldn't complain about my duplex in Burbank. What a dump. Some places have a Murphy bed, this place has a Murphy shower. I still don't know where to hang the towels! The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He seems incredibly confused. BELA Uh, beg to differ. HOST "Beg to differ?!" Hey, I'm talkin' about my duplex in Burbank! BELA (terrified, groping) Uh, Greetings. I am the Count... BACKSTAGE Ed covers his face in embarrassment. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER The Host angrily storms past. HOST I told you we should've gotten Karloff. He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out. ED Bela, don't worry. You're better than all this crap. BELA (distraught) I never said I could ad-lib... ED Forget about it. We'll make our new movie, and you'll be a star again. They shuffle away... until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela. CRISWELL Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled privilege to meet you. Allow me to introduce myself... I am CRISWELL! BELA (morose) It's a pleasure... CRISWELL Ah, cheer up! Don't lose heart over what happened tonight. (he points at his temple) I predict that your next project will be an outstanding success! ED Wow. CRISWELL And who may you be? ED Edward Wood, Sir. CRISWELL Ah. The director of "Glen Or Glenda." ED (startled) H-how'd you know?! CRISWELL I'm Criswell. I know all. Criswell winks. CUT TO: INT. MOCAMBO ROOM - NIGHT Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping '5Os nightclub. Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed, Bela, and Criswell's group. Everyone's plastered and laughing. Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER. CRISWELL Bring me two more Beefeater martinis. Eddie will have another whiskey, Dagmar's a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha and King are chablis -- hey Bela, would you like a wine? BELA No. I never drink -- wine. The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to Criswell. ED Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970? How'd you know it wouldn't be 1975, or even 1980? CRISWELL I guessed. ED I don't understand. CRISWELL I made it up. It's horseshit! Ed's jaw drops. CRISWELL There's no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a turban and a black tuxedo. ED It's that easy? CRISWELL Eddie, we're in show biz! It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you dress nice and talk well, people will swallow anything. Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom. CUT TO: EXT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE step out and approach the DOORMAN. CONSERVATIVE MAN Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. DOORMAN Ah, that would be in the Venetian Room, sir. The couple raise their eyebrows. They're impressed. INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT A large banner says "BRIDE OF THE ATOM - NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY. All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns, strutting about with flutes of champagne like they're extras in "The Great Gatsby." Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them. ED We're gonna have the most terrifying monster ever seen on film! A ghastly creature created from an atomic mutation! BACKER'S WIFE I don't like scary movies. I go more for ones with love stories. ED (without dropping a beat) Well that's what this movie is... a heartbreaking romance! It's about a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in love with a young cop, Dick Craig. ACROSS THE ROOM Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over. ED What do you think you're doin'?! CONRAD These shoes are itchy. ED You can't sit! You gotta walk around, with good posture. You want these people to think we have class. Otherwise they'll never invest in our movie. ACROSS THE PARTY Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor's giant arm. AMAZED BACKER Bernie, get a load of this guy! TOR (proud of his size) Biceps 22! Chest 62! Stomach 54! AMAZED BACKER Whew! You're quite a specimen. (beat) And you're gonna be in the picture? TOR Yes. I play Lobo! ACROSS THE ROOM An excited HICK BACKER shakes Bela's hand. HICK BACKER Mr. Lugosi, I can't believe I'm meeting you in person. This is one of the most exciting moments of my life. BELA Thank you. And you are? HICK BACKER Charlie Johnson! I manufacture toothpaste tubes. ACROSS THE PARTY Criswell struts in the b.g., talking to someone. CRISWELL I predict "Bride Of The Atom" will be the biggest moneymaker of all time! In the f.g., Ed introduces Dolores to a SOUTHERN BACKER. ED And this is lovely starlet Dolores Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton. SOUTHERN BACKER And how much will this picture cost? ED In a normal studio it would be half-a-million, with all their wasteful overhead and fancy offices. But because we're more efficient, we can bring it in for seventy grand! SOUTHERN BACKER Hmm. Well I'll consider it... EXT. BROWN DERBY - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his buddies wave goodbye to the departing backers. ED Goodbye! Goodbye! BELA (to Ed) So how'd we do? ED (faking a big smile, but SOTTO VOCE to Bela) We didn't make a dime. IN THE PARKING LOT A VALET hands the car keys to the Conservative Backer. VALET That's twenty-five cents, sir. The man glances at his Wife. She shrugs. WIFE I gave all my money to the babysitter. The man grimaces. He checks his pockets, pulls out a handful of PENNIES, and counts them out... CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S BACKYARD - DAY Ed sits in a chaise lounge by the pool, studying papers and drinking shots of whiskey. He's in a woman's pantsuit and fuzzy slippers. Dolores marches out. DOLORES Ed, the landlord called again. He wants his money. ED Tell him "Bride" is in pre- production. DOLORES Ed, the landlord doesn't care. ED That's the problem! Nobody cares about my movie! I'm tryin' so hard, I don't know what else to do! DOLORES Don't get angry at me. Maybe you just need a day job. ED (upset) Dolores, don't you understand? I'm a director now! I made "Glen Or Glenda." Directing is my day job. DOLORES (irate) All I know is, ever since "Glen Or Glenda," all you do is booze it up and wear my clothes! Suddenly Paul hesitantly steps through the back gate. PAUL MARCO Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt, but I got some big news. ED (dour) Yeah...? PAUL MARCO Well my cousin Fred met this dame from back East. She's from "old money," and he thinks she's loaded. And here's the kicker: She's very interested in the picture business! ANGLE - ED He slowly smiles. It's like sun breaking through rain clouds. CUT TO: EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY We're at a fancy outdoor brunch. Ed is shaking hands with pretty LORETTA KING, 25, a pale brunette in a classy dress. LORETTA Pleased to meet you. I'm Loretta King. ED I understand you just moved here? LORETTA Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting. A WAITER walks over, with a water pitcher. WAITER Water, Ma'am? LORETTA (suddenly freaking out) No! No water! NO LIQUIDS! I'm terribly allergic to them! The waiter is bewildered. He hurries away. Ed leans in. ED So my associate Mr. Marco tells me you may be interested in investing in a motion picture. LORETTA Perhaps a small amount of money. (she smiles) How much do one of your motion pictures cost? ED For this one, we need $60,000. LORETTA That's all?? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture. Ed perks up. She's a live one! Ed pulls a script from his briefcase and hands it to her. ED Perhaps you'd like to look at the photoplay. LORETTA Oh my, this is very interesting. (she skims the pages) Say... do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts? ED (very enthused) Oh, of course!! There's a couple characters you'd be perfect for: The secretary at the newspaper office, or the file clerk! LORETTA Hmm. Those sound kind of small. (stopping at a page) Oh, here's one that looks good: Janet Lawton. I'd sure like to play her. Ed blanches. ED J-Janet Lawton??? LORETIA Yes, Janet Layton is clearly the part to play. She's got some real meaty scenes! Can't you just see me in that part?? CU - ED He is aghast. What a stomach-churning decision. He stares at Loretta, then slowly croaks a response. ED Uh... yeah... (beat) You'd be perfect. CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S HOUSE - DAY We HEAR dishes being violently thrown. Dolores SCREAMS inside. DOLORES (o.s.) You bastard! You two-timing, dress-wearing son-of-a-BITCH!! INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME Dolores is crying and screaming angrily. Ed ducks the objects she hurls at him. ED It was the only way I could get the movie made! DOLORES Who do you think's been paying the rent?! Who helped type your script, and did all your grunt work?! ED I'm sorry! What did you want me to say? DOLORES I wanted you to say, "No! I wrote the part for my girlfriend Dolores." ED But there's plenty of other parts. DOLORES Like what?! ED (nervous) The secretary. Or the file clerk. Dolores is stunned. DOLORES YOU ASSHOLE! She hurls a pot at Ed. WHACK! It slams him in the head. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The sets are being erected for "Bride Of The Atom"! The crew hurries about the small stage, as Ed energetically supervises. He has a large band-aid on his head. ED This is gonna be Bela's laboratory, so it should be real impressive! Like one of those mad scientist movies. I want beakers, and test tubes, and one of those electrical things that buzzes! BUNNY You mean a Tesla coil? ED If you say so. Tor lumbers over, in his ripped Lobo outfit. His face has fake gashed-up scars. Tor holds the script. TOR Edvard! I haf question 'bout script. My vife Greta, she read. And she no like. ED Really? Was the third act too intense? TOR (trying to be polite) No. She tink Lobo is waste of my time. Lobo don't talk. ED But Tor, it's a starring part! You're second billed. TOR Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk. But Tor, he no talk. Ed thinks. He quickly puts a spin on this. ED Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look at the classic film actors, who are they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They didn't talk! They did it all with their face. TOR (still bothered) But Greta say -- Loretta walks over, holding two dresses. LORETTA Eddie, which dress do you like better? ED I don't know. (he yells o.s.) Hey Bill, which dress is better for you, the green or the red one? Cameraman Bill is standing at the camera. He squints. CAMERAMAN BILL Which one is the red one? ED (confused) What do you mean? CAMERAMAN BILL I mean I can't see the difference. I'm color-blind. (beat) But I like the dark gray one. WIPE TO: LATER The crew is shooting on a spooky castle foyer set. ED ACTION! Bela enters, wearing a lab coat costume. As he slowly crosses, the old man rubs his hands fiendishly. Ed YELLS live direction through a megaphone. ED Okay, you're Dr. Eric Vornoff. You're upset. You've worked so hard on this experisent, and you don't want to see it fail. (Bela stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Bela exits) Okay, CUT! BEAUTIFUL! PRINT IT! Ed claps his hands triumphantly. ED Alright, let's go immediately to Scene 52. Tor, are you in place? TOR'S VOICE Yah. ED Okay, CUE RAINSTORM! Behind the window, Conrad pours a watering can. ED And roll camera! ACTION! Tor enters, but can barely squeeze his bulk through the door. Finally he enters. Ed YELLS through the segaphone. ED Okay, you're Lobo. You're upset. You've worked so hard helping Dr. Vornoff on this experiment, and you don't want to see it fail. (Tor stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Tor exits) Okay, CUT! PERFECT! PRINT IT! OFF STAGE Bela talks to Tor. BELA At Universal, they shot two scenes a day. Eddie can knock off twenty or thirty! He's incredible. BACK ON SET Cameraman Bill leans in to Ed. CAMERAMAN BILL Hey Ed, shouldn't we do another take? Big Baldy kinda got stuck in the doorway. ED No, it's fine. It's real! In actuality, Lobo would struggle with that problem every day. WIPE TO: LABORATORY SET - LATER They are back on the completed lab set. Beyond the bunsen burners and beakers is a kitchenette in the corner. ED Wow, this lab looks great. Except why is there a stove and refrigerator? PAUL MARCO We couldn't afford any more props. If it seems weird, maybe you can add a scene where they eat dinner. ED Nah, it'll work. Where's Bela? Bela is asleep on a couch. Ed nudges him. ED Bela, are you ready? BELA (he groggily wakes up) Mmph? Where am I? ED You're shooting "Bride Of The Atom." Scene 85. Bela nods. He stands up, then grimaces in pain. So he pulls two BRIGHT LITTLE PILLS from his pocket and swallows them. Ed walks Bela onto the lab set. ED You'll be sitting on the right. BELA (he glares at the sparking Tesla coils) I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of those burned me on "The Return Of Chandu." ED Okay. Then you'll be sitting on the left. Ed turns to Tor and Loretta. She wears a wedding gown. ED Here's the scene. Loretta, you're in a trance. You glide in and get on the operating table. Now Tor, you're supposed to tie her down. But you have an angora fetish... and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse so Bela has to discipline you. TOR Okey-dokey. WIPE TO: SHOOTING - LATER The scene begins. ED ACTION! BELA (as VORNOFF) "Now we are ready for the girl." Bela does his patented hypnotic arm wave. He actually has a powerful intensity. Loretta staggers in, eyes glazed. Like a zombie, she climbs onto the operating table. BELA "Dear, you are a woman of super strength and beauty. A lovely vision of exquisitely beauty -- shit!" (he breaks character) Damn! Eddie, I'm sorry I can't remember all this. I'm an old man. It's too long. ED That's fine, Bela. We're still rolling. Just say "Dear, you're lovely." BELA (he snaps back into character) "Dear, you're lovely." (he turns to Tor) "Strap her to the table." Tor starts to tie Loretta down, then gets distracted by a piece of angora hooked to his waist. He rubs it lovingly, calmed, then suddenly refuses. Bela is furious. BELA "Do as I command you!" Bela pulls out an oversized BULLWHIP and starts WHIPPING Tor. Tor screams in agony. BELA "I'll teach you to disobey me!" Bela chases Tor around the set, WHIPPING him. ED And, CUT!!! Impeccable! ON TOR He dances about happily. TOR I love being movie star! Tor jubilantly hugs Loretta. She grimaces. LORETTA Ow. Not so hard, Tor. ON ED A SURLY STAGE MANAGER strides over to Ed. SURLY STAGE MANAGER Hey, Wood. Your check bounced. ED Okay, I'll get you the money later. SURLY STAGE MANAGER No. I need it NOW. Ed nods grimly. He grabs Loretta and takes her aside. ED Sorry to bother you while we're shooting, but the guy who owns the stage needs his money. LORETTA Well then you should pay him, shouldn't you? ED (he smiles) Yeah. Exactly! There's a pause. They stare at each other. ED I kinda need it now. LORETTA (baffled) What are you looking at me like that for? I already gave you my three hundred. ED Yeah. Well I need the other sixty-thousand. LORETTA What other sixty-thousand? ED The other sixty-thousand you said you'd give me. LORETTA You misunderstood. I gave you everything I have in the world: Three-hundred dollars. CLOSEUP - ED He looks like he s going to throw up. ED Oh my God. CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The large stage door SLAMS shut. Ed's disoriented cast and crew stand in the street. Bela, Tor, and Loretta are still in costume. Ed looks totally dazed. He blinks in the bright sunlight. CUT TO: INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're back at the Brown Derby, for another backers party. The same banner is hanging: "BRIDE OF THE ATOM -- NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" The whole crowd is there, dressed up. Bela sits in the corner, knocking back a drink. BELA Here we go again. Paul whispers to Bunny. PAUL MARCO So is Dolores coming? BUNNY (very catty) I can't imagine why. I wouldn't put up with a boyfriend who sold me out for three-hundred dollars...! ON ED Ed stands with a circle of POTENTIAL BACKERS. He has an edge of desperation we've never seen before. ED ...lemme tell you, you can't lose. It's scary! And if you don't like that, it's romantic! Bela Lugosi portrays Dr. Vornoff, and lovely ingenue Loretta King is reporter Janet Lawton. POTENTIAL BACKER Hmm. Lugosi looks pretty old. (he squints across the room) Which role is Vampira playing? ED Vampira...? (bewildered) Why do you ask?? POTENTIAL BACKER Well I see her standing over there. The guy points. Ed turns and looks and Vampira is standing in the next room. She's at a different party. ED Well... she's playing -- (beat) Could you excuse me one moment?? Ed dashes from the room. NEXT ROOM OVER Vampira is drinking with a bunch of artsy-fartsy types. She's in street clothes, but clearly recognizable. Ed runs up. ED Excuse me, Miss Vampira? VAMPIRA Yes? ED (sweaty) You don't know me, but my name is Ed Wood. I'm a film producer. I'm currently in production on a science-fiction piece, with Bela Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson. And I saw you here, and I thought: Kismet! Vampira stares, totally uncomprehending. VAMPIRA I don't understand. Do you want my autograph? ED No. I think my film is perfect for you. VAMPIRA You want me to show it on my TV program? Well I got nothing to do with that. You should call up the station manager at Channel Seven -- ED (unyielding) No! I don't want you to show the movie, I want you to be in it! See, maybe I should explain: We started shooting, but then after three days we got shut down. So we're having a backers party, to raise some more money. Perhaps you'd like to come next door and meet some of the backers...? Vampire glances at her friends. They uncomfortably turn away. VAMPIRA Uh, look, I'm with some friends, and we're about to eat -- ED (begging) Please! It'll only take a minute. You can have some hors d'oeuvres, and meet my backers! There's a really nice dentist from Oxnard... VAMPIRA (pissed off) Look buddy, I'm a big star. I've got real offers from real studios. I don't need to blow some dentist for a part. So forget it! BACK AT THE PARTY The backers glance into the next room. Ed is in front of Vampira, begging on his hands and knees. BACKER (to another backer) I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Let's get out of here. The backers pick up their coats. Through the doorway, Ed sees this. He jumps up and frantically runs back in. ED Where are you guys going?! You can't leave! BACKER (running out) Goodbye, Mr. Wood. ED (insane) You can't go! You haven't seen the storyboards! The backers run out of the room. They're gone. Ed shouts after them. ED Fine! SCREW YOU! If you don't have the balls to roll the dice, then I don't want your stinking money!! No response. ED Please, come back! CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES' HOUSE - DAY Ed and Dolores are being evicted. Their belongings are scattered in front. They bitterly carry furniture out of the house. Ed stumbles and slurs his speech. He is drunk. ED Goddamn landlord. DOLORES I told you this was gonna happen. ED Maybe if you'd come to the backers party, I would've gotten the money. DOLORES That's moronic. Why would a bit player impress a backer? ED (he starts yelling) Look, how many times can I say I'm sorry? I blew it! I thought she was rich. DOLORES That's a good reason to dump your girlfriend. ED I didn't dump you! Get it through your skull -- I just recast the part! Ed drops the furniture. He flops onto the sidewalk. DOLORES You're a fuckin' mess. ED So WHAT?? Look, we gotta figure out where we're gonna stay. DOLORES I'm going to my mother's. ED Does she have room for me? Dolores shakes her head. DOLORES I think you should stay with one of your friends. CUT TO: EXT. TOWERING TEMPLE - NIGHT Ed and Bela stroll through a parking lot. Ed is sobered up and remorseful. Bela wears a beret and smokes a huge cigar. ED Bela, I don't know what I'm doin' anymore... BELA Stop worrying. This is going to raise your spirits. They reach the strange entrance to an avant-garde, Eastern based quasi-religious temple. Bela puts out his cigar, and they enter the oversized doors. INT. TEMPLE - SAME TIME Sphinxes and Bodhisatvas peer down from the marble walls. A service is in progress. A wiry, enigmatic LECTURER speaks. LECTURER Thou eternal sun, who has covered the consciousness with thy golden disc, do thou remove the veil so that I may see the truth within? Bela leads Ed to a seat, stepping past men in fezzes and odd elderly women in fur coats. As the lecture continues, Ed WHISPERS in bafflement. ED What is this place? BELA This is the Philosophical Research Society. A refuge for free thinkers. I've been coming here for twenty years. LECTURER ...for the truth which is within thee is within me. And I am Truth. BELA Most people in this country, they know nothing, about Eastern mysticism. They are afraid of it. (beat) But I am open-minded. It gives me hope. LECTURER We have the wisdom to govern and the divine right to inherit the earth in good condition. We have the power to build worlds. Ed leans in to Bela. ED Was I wrong to cast Loretta? BELA Bad decisions are easy to live with. Forget. Just keep looking forward. ED But was it a bad decision? At the time, I thought her money would save the movie. BELA Eddie, you screwed up. ED (he nods) Yeah, I did. CUT TO: LATER The lecture is over. The speaker shakes hands with people. Bela leads Ed along. BELA In life, the decisions that haunt you are the ones where you just don't know... where right or wrong will never be answered. (beat) Years ago, the Hungarians contacted me. The government wanted me to come home, to be Minister of Culture. ED Really? BELA It was a very impressive offer. Fancy offices, a big home... I'd be treated like a king. ED So why didn't you do it? BELA I didn't know if it was a trick. They might arrest me and throw me in a gulag. (pause) I am Hungary's most famous emigrant. they'd use me as a lesson to anyone who tries to leave. ED But maybe not. BELA Correct. So instead, I stayed here, waiting for my comeback. Always hoping... the next film, the next film... that would be the one. They reach the exit. Ed stops in the huge doorway. ED Your next film. That will be the one. Bela smiles sweetly. CUT TO: INT. MCCOY MEATPACKING PLANT - DAY We're in a noisy meat-packing plant. WORKERS in blood-stained aprons slam cleavers into hunks of beef. Ed walks down an aisle with DONALD E. McCOY, a wealthy Texan meat man. Old Man McCoy is a tough-talking, tobacco-chewing, straight shooter. ED ...and then Dr. Vornoff falls in the pit, and his own octopus attacks and eats him! The End. OLD MAN McCOY Whew! That's quite a story. So you made the movie, and now you want to make it again? ED (gently correcting him) No. We shot ten minutes of the movie, and now we're looking for completion funds. OLD MAN McCOY Son, you're too vague. I come from the world of business. I need to know what I get for my investment. ED Movies are very popular. You could make a lot of money. OLD MAN McCOY Yeah, but most of 'em flop, don't they? What am I tangibly guaranteed? ED Well... you get "Executive Producer" credit. OLD MAN McCOY That don't mean diddley. (he suddenly SHOUTS angrily) BILLY BOB! You're cutting 'em TOO LEAN. McCoy grabs a CLEAVER from a worker and slams it into a chop. ED Mr. McCoy, how can I make you happy? OLD MAN McCOY Cut to the chase, heh? That's good! That's very good. McCoy SPITS his tobacco. OLD MAN McCOY Okay, two things. Number one: I want the movie to end with a big explosion. Sky full of smoke. ED But the story ends with Dr. Vornoff falling in the pit -- OLD MAN McCOY Not anymore. And number two: I've got a son. He's a little slow -- but a good boy. And something tells me he'd make a hell of a leading man... Under Ed's cheery frozen smile, his face clearly falls. CUT TO: INT. SALT LAKE CITY AUDITORIUM - NIGHT We're at a ROWDY wrestling match. Tor Johnson is in the middle of a screaming, four-man tag-team event. Tor THROWS his opponent to the ground; then tags with his partner and goes to the corner. Suddenly a WRESTLING COACH runs up, dragging a telephone on a very long cord. WRESTLING COACH Tor, you got a phone call! TOR Heh? NOW? WRESTLING COACH They said it was an emergency! He hands sweaty Tor the phone. Tor speaks into it. TOR Hallo? ED'S VOICE Tor, this is Ed! Glad I could find you! I got the money, and we resume shooting tomorrow morning! TOR But I'm in Utah. ED'S VOICE Then you'll have to drive all night! I'm counting on you, big guy. Breakfast is at seven. CLICK. Ed hangs up. Tor is flabbergasted. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - EARLY MORNING "Bride Of The Atom" is back in production! Ed's stock company is reunited. People drink coffee and gossip. PAUL MARCO This is unbelievable! I woulda bet a million bucks that Ed wouldn't finish this picture. CAMERAMAN BILL It ain't finished yet. Anything could happen. The stage door opens and standing there, in silhouette, is Dolores. Everybody quiets. People glance nervously at Loretta. BUNNY Uh-oh. Stay out of scratching distance. AT DOLORES Ed runs over. Dolores is beautifully made-up, and wearing a furry angora sweater. Ed speaks, awkwardly. ED Honey, you made it! I wasn't sure you got my message. DOLORES (icy) Of course I'm here. Today is the file clerk's big scene. ED That's right... DOLORES I see the usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here. (she looks around) Say, who's the lug? In a corner, standing by himself, is dumb TONY McCOY, Old Man McCoy's worthless son. He's a good-looking, moody hunk. Tony is practicing his lines from a script, but he's terribly stiff. TONY "Now Janet, I want you straying away -- oops -- staying away from the old Willows Place." Ed shrugs. ED That's Tony McCoy. He's playing Lieutenant Dick Craig. DOLORES Oh really? How much money did he put up? ED None. (beat) But his dad gave me fifty grand. DOLORES (snide) Wood Productions. The mark of quality. ED Hey, the movie's getting made. That's the main thing. Dolores shakes her head contemptuously. Then she strides off. Ed stands alone, feeling bad. WIPE TO: ON STAGE The set is a one-wall "office hallway": A doorway and a water cooler. Loretta sits in a make-up chair, as Harry works on her. DOLORES (O.S.) Hey Harry -- long time no see. Harry turns, surprised. Dolores stands behind him. There's a thick tension. He smiles anxiously. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY Hi Dolores... LORETA Oh, you're Dolores?! I've heard so much about you! I'm Loretta King. (she chipperly jumps up) Here, take the chair. DOLORES (bitchy) Don't be silly -- let Harry finish. You still need more work. LORETTA No, I'm done. All I needed was a touch-up. DOLORES Mm, that mole still shows. Loretta frowns. Ed quickly steps in. ED Ladies! You both look fine. Why don't we talk about the scene? (beat) Okay. Janet Lawton has discovered that Dr. Vornoff bought the old Willows estate. So now she wants to prove that all the monster stories are true. Dolores nods sourly. She s in a trouble-making mood. DOLORES Eddie, what's my motivation? ED (thrown off) Oh. Er... well you're the file clerk. You're hurrying into the next room, when you bump into Janet. DOLORES But what's our relationship? Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance? ED (annoyed) Dolores, I got five days to shoot this movie. Quit kidding around. WIPE TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT We're watching DAILIES. Projected ON SCREEN, a camera assistant claps the slate. We hear Ed yell: "Action!" Loretta hurries down the hallway. Dolores sees her run past and shouts out. DOLORES (as File Clerk) "Janet, the boss has been looking for you." LORETTA (as Janet Lawton) "Thanks." Loretta runs out. Dolores just stands there. We HEAR Ed: "CUT! PERFECT!" Dolores turns deadpan to the camera. DOLORES Of course it was. The FILM runs out. ON THE AUDIENCE The screening room lights come up on the crew. Ed sits in gloomy haze. Suddenly, there's loud CLAPPING from the back of the room. CRISWELL Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico! ED (he smiles) Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot. CRISWELL My pleasure. I'm always happy to assist in a little larceny. CUT TO: INT. CADILLAC - NIGHT g pink Cadillac convertible races down the Ed and Criswell are in front, and Tor, Conrad and Paul to the back. TOR My head is cold. CRISWELL You know how much this car cost me? CONRAD Ten thousand dollars. CRISWELL ONE DOLLAR! Miss Mae West herself sold it to me. She said, Cris, you belong in a pink Cadillac! Criswell turns to Ed. CRISWELL Incidentally, you promise you're not going to scratch my car...? ED (cocky) I told you, the octopus is made of rubber. This is a piece o' cake. EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men climb over a fence. They're breaking into Republic Studios. Paul is panicked. PAUL MARCO Ed, you said you were getting permission. ED Uh, I couldn't reach the guy... he was in meetings all day. But this'll be great, I promise! Ed smiles at Conrad. Conrad shrugs. Tor struggles. TOR I'm no good at climbink. Tor gives up, and simply BASHES through the locked gate. Everyone is amazed. Tor laughs. TOR I'm good at bashink!! CRISWELL Hey, keep it down. My publicist will throttle me if we get caught. They all sneak across the shadowy lot. Remnants of old scary sets tower over them. OUTSIDE A SOUNDSTAGE They reach a stage door. Ed tries it -- but it's locked. ED Oh. I thought they kept this open. A pause. Everyone looks at Tor. He grins. TOR Lobo will fix! Tor grabs the heavy door and easily SNAPS the lock. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME This place is the mythic eclectic prop room. Guillotines, rocketships, a stuffed vulture... strange mysterious props from untold movies loom everywhere in the darkness. It's a place of wonderment and fear. The men stare in awe. CONRAD Wow. PAUL MARCO This place gives se the creeps. Let's get the hell out of here. ED Not so fast. First we have to get it down. Ed gestures above. Everyone glances straight up. THEIR POV A giant OCTOPUS is lashed to the ceiling. CUT TO: LATER Conrad and Criswell are way up on the catwalk, holding onto dangling Paul by his belt. Paul leans way out, reaching for the octopus. He shouts nervously. PAUL MARCO You're sure this is gonna work? ED (O.S.) Yes! PAUL MARCO You're sure??? ED (O.S.) YES! JUST DO IT! WIDE VIEW Standing straight below is Tor. The Swede has his arms outstretched, waiting. Ed supervises a good distance away. He motions to Paul. Paul gulps, then unties the octopus. It drops incredibly fast. The thing must weigh half a ton. Tor's eyes widen. And the octopus smashes straight on top of him. BAM! Tor is gone from sight. One of the eight tentacles snaps off. UP IN THE CATWALK Criswell moans. CRISWELL Oh my God. We killed him. ON THE GROUND Ed runs to the octopus and looks for Tor underneath. ED Tor! Are you okay?! A beat. And then the octopus flips over. Tor sits up, battered but smiling. TOR Bedder than wrestlink! EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men hurry across the lot, carrying the hubongous octopus on their shoulders. Suddenly, a FLASHLIGHT shines on them. ANGRY VOICE Hey! What are you doing?! The men jump with fear. They break into a fast waddling run. CRISWELL Thank God Tor broke the fence. The team runs through the busted gate and escapes. EXT. STUDIOS - NIGHT The Cadillac SCREECHES away. The octopus flops on top of the five men. WIPE TO: EXT. GRIFFITH PARK - NIGHT The movie crew is setting up for a big night shoot. Lights and generators are sprawled across this isolated area. Tony McCoy perches goofily on his own personalized chair. He runs lines by himself. TONY "Now Janet, I want you staying away from the old Willows Place." The octopus lays in a dried-up riverbed. There's only about an inch of water. Ed yells at Conrad. ED You don't understand! The octopus is supposed to live in a lake! CONRAD This is kind of a stream-- ED NO! It has to be UNDERWATER! Ed storms away. Conrad scratches his head. IN A DUSTY PARKING LOT Bela sits inertly in the back of an open car. He weakly hails over Ed. BELA Eddie, I'm so tired... I don't know if I can handle a night shoot... ED Nonsense! You look great -- (suddenly he catches himself; he speaks more sincerely) Look, uh, why don't you lie down and take a little nap? We'll film around you for a while. ED Thanks, buddy... Ed smiles warmly, then walks off. Bela stares after him, then absent-mindedly searches through his pockets. Finally, he finds what he's looking for -- a rubber tube. Bela looks to make sure no one's around, then ties the tube around his upper arm... AT THE SET - LATER Crew members have dammed up the end of the river, and Bunny fills it with a hose. There is now a foot of water. Ed stands at the shore, admiring it. ED Hey. This is looking good! (he turns to Paul) Paul, where's the octopus motor? PAUL MARCO What octopus motor? ED You know, to make the legs move -- PAUL MARCO (defensive) Hey, don't blame me! You didn't say anything about no motor when I was up on that ceiling! Bela stumbles up, with a dazed smile. BELA Let's shoot this fucker! Where do I go? ED You'll be fighting with the octopus. BELA Out there?! (he points at the water) What happened to the stream? ED This'll look a lot better. We have to match the stock footage of the octopus underwater. BELA Oh, for Christ's sake. Bela rolls up his pants and wades out, into the water. He screams. BELA Goddamn, it's cold! ED Once you're in it, it warms up. BELA Fuck you! You come out here. (beat) Hey, toss me that J.D. A crew member throws Bela a bottle of Jack Daniels. Bela pops the cap and chugs half the bottle in one swig. He licks his lips, then climbs onto the octopus. BELA Okay! How do we turn this thing on? ED Bela, somebody misplaced the motor. So when you wrestle the octopus, shake the legs a bit, to make it look like it's killing you. Bela stares, deadpan. BELA Do you know I turned down "Frankenstein"? ED Huh? BELA After I did "Dracula," the studio offered me "Frankenstein"! But I turned it down, the part wasn't sexy enough. It was too degrading for a big star like me. The crew glances at Ed. ED Bela, I've got twenty-five scenes to shoot tonight. BELA Don't let me slow you down. ED Alright! Let's put it on film. CAMERA! SOUND! Bela takes another swig of J.D., then throws it off-camera. ED ACTION! Bela starts flailing around the octopus legs and SCREAMING in horror. This image is truly ridiculous. Ed is pleased. Some crew members nod: Pretty good. ED And CUT! Everybody cheers. Then suddenly the dam walls BURST. WHOOSH! The water rushes from the lake and floods the park below. WIPE TO: EXT. DINKY SOUNDSTAGES - EARLY MORNING Crew members straggle in for the final shoot. Everybody looks bleary-eyed from last night. Ed stands cheerily at the entrance, greeting them. ED C'mon! Just one more day! Just have some coffee, you'll feel better! Tony staggers up. TONY Mr. Wood, I only got one hour of sleep. ED Yeah? Well I got no sleep, and I feel great! Ed sees Bela slowly shuffling along. Ed runs over to him. ED Bela. I just wanna thank you again for last night. BELA (exhausted) That's fine, Eddie. All in the line of duty. ED No. Seriously. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done for me. A great man like you shouldn't have to run around in freezing water at four in the morning. BELA Well, there aren't too many other fellas I'd do it for... ED (he smiles, then pulls out a script page) I wrote something special for you. I got to thinking about all the sacrifices you've made... and so I wrote you a new final speech. Ed hands him the paper. Bela starts reading it, as Ed watches anxiously. Bela is very touched. BELA (still reading) Eddie, this is quite a scene. ED I know it's a lot to give you at the last second. Bela looks up. BELA These lines -- I'll have no problem remembering. WIPE TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY They are shooting. Ed watches off-camera, as Bela acts a somber scene with an actor playing PROFESSOR STROWSKI, a threatening European. STROWSKI "Our government wants you to return... to continue your experiments there. Where you can have everything at your disposal." BELA (as VORNOFF) "My dear Professor Strowski, twenty years ago I was banned from my home land. I was classed as a madman -- a charlatan -- outlawed in the world of science which previously honored me as a genius!" (he gets very subdued) "Now here in this forsaken jungle hell, I have proven that I am alright." STROWSKI "Yes, the authorities have learned how correct your findings were. So I am here -- sent to bring you home." BELA (impassioned) "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people -- a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" It's an incredible performance of crowning tragedy. Bela is totally drained. CU - ED He is very moved. He whispers, barely audible. ED Cut. It's a wrap. CUT TO: INT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - NIGHT The wrap party is being thrown in the meat packing plant. People laugh and shout and carry on. Tor pours booze in the punch. R&B MUSIC plays. Old Man McCoy dances with Loretta. Bunny dances with a young stud. Dolores stands by herself. Bela and Criswell are giggling. CRISWELL So you sleep in coffins?! BELA Yes. There is nothing more comfortable. CRISWELL I can't believe this! I sleep in coffins! BELA No. CRISWELL YES! My father ran a mortuary -- it's an old habit! They CLINK beers. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Outside, Vampira and two GIRL FRIENDS walk up. They peer at a tin sign. GIRLFRIEND #1 "McCoy Meat Packing"? Are you sure there's a party here? VAMPIRA (holding an INVITATION) Yeah, I got this invitation. It's a "Bride Of The Atom" party, whatever that means. They open the large steel door, and INSIDE is the wild bash. INT. PARTY Across the room, Paul and Conrad chat. PAUL MARCO "Glen Or Glenda," now that was a hell of a picture. CONRAD Well, this new one's gonna be a hundred times better. PAUL MARCO Is that possible? Dolores overhears this. She stares in disbelief. AT THE TURNTABLE Someone changes the record. Brassy STRIPPER MUSIC begins. A door opens, and Ed struts out, in full gaudy drag. Everybody turns. They start WHISTLING and HOLLARING. Ed grins, and starts into a wacky bump-and-grind. VOICE Go, baby, go! Bunny runs up and sticks a dollar bill between Ed's fake tits. People LAUGH hysterically. Dolores is appalled. Ed shimmies to the music, blowing kisses all around. He sees Vampira and waves. Vampira's jaw drops in recognition. VAMPIRA I don't believe it. It's him! Ed sashays up to Bela and dances a few steps with him. The music is building to a climax. Ed hurries off to center stage -- and as the MUSIC ENDS, he does a final swing of his hips, then suddenly yanks out his teeth! This brings down the house. Everyone STAMPS their feet and CLAPS crazily. ANGLE - DOLORES Everyone, except Dolores. Suddenly, she explodes. DOLORES You people are INSANE! Take a look around -- you're all FREAKS! The room quiets. Dolores has snapped. DOLORES You're wasting your lives making SHIT! Nobody cares! These movies are TERRIBLE! (beat) I can't take it any longer! The group is shocked. Nobody speaks. Dolores runs out of the party. Ed just stands, dumbstruck. Then he chases after her, in his high heels and dress. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Dolores runs across the parking lot, in tears. Ed catches up with her. ED Dolores, wait! DOLORES Ed, it's over. I need a normal life. ED (hurt) Did you really mean those things you said..? Dolores stops. DOLORES I'm tired of living on the fringe. ED But you used to say -- DOLORES Ed... I just stuck it out so you could finish your movie. (pause) Now that it's done, so am I. She turns and walks away. Ed is crushed. He stands motionless, in his dress, in the dark. CUT TO: INT. ED'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY Ed's new home is a single apartment, still filled with moving boxes. Half-eaten plates of food are scattered about. Ed lies asleep in bed, unshaven, in the middle of the day. The phone RINGS. Ed awakens and woozily answers it. ED Yeah... TOR (on phone) Ed, dit I wake you? It's two in avternoon. ED No, I was just doin' a little work... TOR (on phone) Bullchit! You been like dis too many days. I want to cheer you up. EXT. TOR'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ed drives his Nash though a tract Valley neighborhood and reaches Tor's little house. Ed gets out, still looking groggy. He walks up the tulip-lined path and rings the DOORBELL. Clanging SWEDISH CHIMES bong inside. The door flies open, and Tor appears, beaming. TOR Edvard, you come! Tor gives Ed a back-breaking hug. INT. TOR'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps in. The house is filled with cuckoo clocks and little Swedish knick-knacks. Tor gestures proudly. TOR I'm so happy you visit. Meet my family! Greta, Karl, and Connie! THREE COLOSSAL PEOPLE lumber out. Tor has the largest family we've ever seen. Not fat -- but big-boned. GRETA is Tor's gigantic Swedish wife, and KARL and CONNIE are their two elephantine children. They ADLIB greetings: "Hallo!" "Welcome!" "Is a pleasure!" Ed cannot believe what he's seeing. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Everyone noisily eats dinner. The table looks like a Smorgasbord. Entire hams, turkeys, a full case of beer, incredible quantities are being shoveled in. Tor empties a beer in one gulp, then opens another. CONNIE Pass the meatballs. KARL This strudel is delicious, Mama. Ed is stupefied. He picks at a little dainty serving. TOR Hey! You're not eatink. ED Uh, I don't have much of an appetite lately. TOR The food will make you feel bedder. Look at me -- I'm da happiest guy I know! All the Johnsons CHUCKLE. ED I'd be happy too, if I had such a great family. TOR Don't worry. You just haven't met right woman yet. (beat) Oopsy. That cabbage goes right through me. Tor stands and hurries from the room. Ed awkwardly makes conversation. ED Greta, your husband is a terrific actor. You should come down and visit the set. GRETA I don't think so. ED No, it's really no problem at all! GRETA (steely) I do not approve of what you do with my husband Tor. He is not a monster. These horror pictures are humiliating. Ed has no response. Suddenly -- CRASH! There's a loud o.s. SLAM, falling porcelain, then Tor SHOUTS FURIOUSLY in Swedish. TOR (O.S.) OUCH! GODDAMMIT! Earl and Connie begin giggling. Ed is totally baffled. Tor runs out, angrily holding a BROKEN TOILET SEAT. It is split in two. TOR Look, it happened again! Ed is boggle-eyed. This house is sadness. ED Tor, I should be getting home. TOR Nonsense! You must try our hot glug. DISSOLVE TO: LATER It's very late. Tor and Ed sit in the living room, drinking from a steaming pot of hot stilled wine. They are smashed. TOR My friend, you tink Greta is first woman I ever see? No! Many duds, before I find her. ED But I thought me and Dolores had something. TOR Forget her! Move on. A good lookink boy like you as you can have any girl you wish. Tor finishes his glug, and then his eyes roll back into his head, and he falls off the couch. He starts SNORING. Ed stares at Tor, then gets up. Ed turns off the lights and goes home. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed smokes a cigarette and watches TV. ON THE TV Vampira is doing her shtick. VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! That was so scary, it gave me goosebumps. (someone QUACKS os.; she pretends to be angry) No, dummy! I didn't say "goose," I said "goosebumps." Ugh! Well, be sure to join me next week, for "THE MUMMY'S CURSE." Until then... pleasant nightmares. Vampira blows a kiss, then disappears into the mist. A USED CAR COMMERCIAL abruptly comes on. ON ED He stares at the TV, then picks up the phone. CUT TO: INT. TV STUDIOS - SAME TIME Vampira is walking off stage. She removes her black wig. VAMPIRA God, we need some better jokes on this show. A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT carries over a phone. ASSISTANT Vampira, you got a phone call. VAMPIRA At this hour? (she takes the phone) Hello? ED'S VOICE Vampira! Hi, this is Ed Wood. VAMPIRA Who? ED'S VOICE Ed Wood! You came to my party. I directed "Bride Of The Atom"! VAMPIRA Oh. Yeah. You. Ed pauses, nervously. ED'S VOICE Well, I was wondering if maybe sometime you'd like to go out, and maybe grab some dinner. VAMPIRA You mean like a date? I thought you were a fag. ED'S VOICE ME?! No, uh, I'm just a transvestite. VAMPIRA Isn't that the same thing? ED'S VOICE No, no! I like girls. So how 'bout Friday? VAMPIRA (uncomfortable) Look, you seem like a nice guy, Ed, but you're just not my type. (beat) But keep in touch. Let me know when your movie opens. CUT BACK TO: CLOSEUP - ED Click. The phone hangs up. Poor Ed just stands there, forlorn. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, Mr. Lonely Guy, feeling sorry for himself. He glances in a coffee shop, and sees a sweet young woman inside. Her name is NORMA McCARTY. She wears a bow in her hair, Mary Jane shoes, and a fuzzy white angora sweater. Ed's eyes widen. INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME TIME Innocent Norma sits by herself, eating. ED'S VOICE Excuse me. Is that angora? Norma looks up. Standing over her is Ed, smiling. NORMA Why... yes. ED Don't you think angora has a tactile sensuality lacking in all other clothing? NORMA I suppose. It's very expensive. ED It's made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas. NORMA What are you, an angora wholesaler? ED No, I work in pictures. I'm a director-actor-writer-producer. NORMA (she laughs) Ah, c'mon! Nobody does all that. ED Two people do. Orson Welles and me. NORMA Wow. ED You know, you're a very attractive girl. Norma blushes. NORMA My goodness, you're embarrassing me. ED You shouldn't be embarrassed by the truth. (he smoothly sits down) Mind if I order some hotcakes...? CUT TO: INT. CRISWELL'S CADILLAC - NIGHT Criswell and Paul drive at night. They're dressed-up. SWING MUSIC plays on the radio. CRISWELL So who's the surprise for? PAUL MARCO I dunno. Ed was real mysterious. All he'd say was it's a surprise party. CRISWELL Isn't that like him! (beat) And isn't that like us -- that we show up anyway. They pull up to a GUARD GATE. They're at a studio. CRISWELL Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. GUARD They've rented Stage 12. Drive straight back. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT There is another rambunctious party in progress. Crepe paper streamers hang down. Bela approaches Tor. BELA So what are we doing here? TOR Nobody knows. But there's a lotta booze. Suddenly Ed steps into the middle of the room. He's extremely handsome in his tuxedo, and beaming happily. ED Excuse me! Could everyone please quiet down? (the room quiets) First of all, I want to thank you, all my good friends, for being here tonight. And second, if you're wondering what the big surprise is... well, TONIGHT I'M GETTING MARRIED!! The crowd is stunned. Many people DROP their glasses. Ed proudly pulls out Norma. She's in a wedding gown. ED Everybody, this is Norma! ON BELA AND TOR They're bewildered. Bela WHISPERS. BELA Who the fuck is she?? TOR I never heard of her. Ed walks over. He hugs Bela. ED And Bela, I want you to be the best man! Bela smiles -- trying to hide his total confusion. DISSOLVE TO: LATER The wedding is in progress. The crowd is seated. A MINISTER performs the ceremony with Ed and Norma. MINISTER ...Norma, do you promise to love, honor, and cherish... IN THE CROWD Everybody is QUIETLY GOSSIPING. BUNNY I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. PAUL MARCO (he taps him on the shoulder) I hear she's an actress who gave him money. CONRAD Nah, I heard she's his childhood sweetheart from Poughkeepsie. CRISWELL I predict it's Dolores in a mask. AT THE ALTAR The Minister is speaking to Ed. MINISTER ...in sickness and in health, till death do you part? ED I do. MINISTER (he smiles) Then I now pronounce you man and wife. Ed kisses Norma. The crowd doesn't applaud. They're too baffled by this whole event. DISSOLVE TO: THE RECEPTION Everyone's drinking and dancing. Ed proudly introduces Norma to his buddies. ED Norma, this is Bela -- Bela, this is Norma. Norma, this is Tor -- Tor, this is Norma. Norma, this is Paul Paul, this is Norma. PAUL MARCO (he can't resist) So how long have you known Eddie? NORMA (sweetly) Since Tuesday. Criswell grabs Ed and pulls him aside. CRISWELL Edward, are you sure you know what you're doing? ED Yeah. It seems a little crazy, but sometimes you just know. She's perfect for me. Outside, a car HONKS. ED Oop, that's our cue! (to Norma) Honey, we gotta go. GOODBYE, EVERYBODY! Ed and Norma run out the door. The crowd hurries after them. OUTSIDE Ed and Norma jump into his Nash. It says "Just Married" and is festooned with dangling tin cans. The car screeches away. The cans RATTLE NOISILY, then slowly fade into the distance... CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT We're at a desert roadside motel, the San Bernardino Arms. A "Vacancy" light flashes. INT. MOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME Ed excitedly carries Norma over the threshold. He throws her onto the bed, and they start ardently making out. NORMA Eddie, I'm just a small-town girl. I've never done this before. ED (kissing her) Don't worry, I'll teach you. He helps her remove her wedding dress. She is very shy. NORMA Be understanding. I don't know anything. Ed removes his jacket, then gestures to his shirt. Norma nervously starts unbuttoning it. Ed bites his lip in anticipation. Norma opens the shirt... and inside, Ed is wearing a bra! Norma is horrified. NORMA What the heck is THIS?!! ED Honey, I have a little secret to share with you. CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL - SAME TIME There's a loud woman's SCREAM. Then the door slams open, and Norma runs hysterically out, clutching her dress about her. NORMA Stay away from me! You're perverted! Ed runs out after her. ED Please, be compassionate. I'm your husband! NORMA No you're not! This marriage was never consummated. I'm getting an annulment! CUT TO: EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS - LATE NIGHT Ed drives sadly through the streets, alone. His car still says "Just Married," and the tin cans RATTLE behind him. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT Ed's car pulls up. Ed stumbles out, yanks off the tin cans, and throws them in someone's trash. Ed despondently approaches Bela's. Inside, a light glows, and the dogs BARK. Ed is relieved. Bela's awake. He BANGS on the door. ED Bela, let me in! Bela, it's Eddie. He keeps BANGING. Finally the door opens -- and Bela stands there, shakily waving a gun! Bela is doped up, glassy-eyed, and disturbingly haggard. BELA Why are you here?? ED Shit! Bela, what's with the gun? BELA Why aren't you on your honeymoon? Where's Myrna? ED Norma. She changed her mind. She doesn't wanna marry me. (beat) Can you put down the gun? Bela weakly lowers the gun. INT. BELA'S Ed walks in, in a near-stupor. Needles and drug paraphernalia are scattered about ED What are you doing? BELA I was thinking about killing myself. ED Jesus Christ, what an evening. (he looks around) What happened? BELA (near tears) Eddie, I received a letter from the government. They're cutting off my unemployment. That's all I've got. Without it, I can't pay the rent... ED Don't you have any savings? BELA I'm obsolete. I have nothing to live for. Tonight, I should die. (distraught) And you should come with me. Frail Bela points the gun at Ed. Ed is terrified. ED Buddy, I don't know if that's such a good idea. BELA It'll be wonderful. We'll be at peace. In the afterlife, you don't have to worry about finding work. ED Bela, I'm on your side. C'mon, give me the gun... (he cautiously steps forward) If you give me the gun, I'll make you a drink. What are you drinking? BELA Formaldehyde. Ed stares in anguish. ED Straight up or on the rocks? Bela drops the gun. He starts weeping. Ed walks over and hugs the shaking old man. ED Don't worry. BELA I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm so sorry. ED Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right. CUT TO: EXT. HOSPITAL - STILL LATER THAT NIGHT Ed's car pulls up at the South Metropolitan State Hospital. It's a grim, unwelcoming edifice. Ed helps weak Bela from the car. They look at each other, then Ed gingerly leads Bela in. INT. HOSPITAL - SAME TIME The lobby is clammy and dim. Ed and Bela reach the desk. A NURSE looks up, startled. NURSE My goodness, you gave me the willies. You look like that Dracula guy. BELA (very somber) My name is Bela Lugosi. I wish to commit myself. NURSE For what reason? BELA I have been a drug addict for twenty years. I need help... The nurse nods. She takes Bela's arm and leads him away. Bela glances at Ed, then steps through a wide door. As it swings shut, we see a DOCTOR walk over and shake Bela's hand. Ed stares at the door, dazed by all that's happened. He sits down in a chair, exhausted. Ed's eyes slowly close, and he falls asleep... DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL - MORNING Ed is still asleep, but now sunlight beats in. Ed stirs and wakes up. He groggily looks around, and sitting across from him is a woman, knitting. This is KATHY O'HARA, 26, solid, reflective, with a dry sense of humor. Ed peers at her. ED Hello. KATHY Hello. (beat) You're sleeping in a tuxedo. ED I got married last night. KATHY Oh. Congratulations. ED The marriage already ended. KATHY Oh. My condolences. Ed watches her knit. ED What are you making? KATHY Booties for my father. He gets cold in this hospital. ED How long's he been here? KATHY This is my thirteenth pair. Ed nods. He spots the Doctor walk by. ED Excuse me. (he runs to the Doctor) Doctor? I'm with Mr. Lugosi. How is he? DOCTOR Well... there's a lot of junk in his system for such an old man. Apparently, he was addicted to morphine, tried to kick it, and got re-addicted to methadone. ED Will he be okay? DOCTOR We'll do our best. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - NIGHT We are outside Bela's room. He can be glimpsed inside, strapped to the bed and SCREAMING in pain. He is going through painful withdrawal and shakes horribly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - ANOTHER DAY Ed strides into the hospital, wearing different clothes, and carrying a box of chocolates. He waves at the nurse. ED Hi, Lillian. NURSE (she smiles) Hi, Ed. Boy, he's got a lot of visitors today. ED He does? Ed is puzzled. He hurries back. INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY A crowd of NEWSPAPER REPORTERS and PHOTOGRAPHERS overflow Bela's room. Ed is astonished. ED What's going on here?! Excuse me! INT. HOSPITAL ROOM Decrepit Bela is propped up in his bed, as the mob of reporters throw questions at hit and SNAP shots: "Bela, how long have you been a junkie??" "Bela, look this way!" Ed angrily pushes through. ED Everybody out! This is a hospital! Get out of here. Ed forces them out, then SLAMS the door. ED What happened?! BELA (in a hoarse whisper) Isn't it wonderful? After all these years, the press is showing an interest again in Bela Lugosi. ED (surprised) Bela, they're parasites! They just want to exploit you. BELA Fine. Let them! There is no such thing as bad press. A man from New York even said he's putting me on the front page! First celebrity to ever check into rehab. (he smiles feebly) When I get out of here, I will be healthy. Strong! I will be primed for my comeback! Bela starts COUGHING heavily. Ed stares sadly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LOBBY - ANOTHER DAY Ed sits tensely in the lobby, holding vigil. Kathy O'Hara walks by. KATHY Oh, it's you again. ED Oh, hi. KATHY You look beat. ED I am. How's your father? KATHY He's better. Thank you for asking. (pause) How's your friend? ED Not good... Kathy reaches in her purse and pulls out two black booties. KATHY Well, I made him some booties to cheer him up. (beat) They're black -- to match his cape. She smiles. Ed slowly smiles in response. But this isn't his normal slick smile. It's gentler. Sincere. ED Would you maybe like to get a coffee..? DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY Ed and the Doctor stand in a doorway, talking. DOCTOR We thought Mr. Lugosi was insured though the Screen Actors Guild. ED Isn't he? DOCTOR No. They say his eligibility ran out years ago. ED Look, he doesn't have any money... but I'll give you everything I've got. I have a few hundred dollars. The Doctor shakes his head grimly. DOCTOR That won't even begin to cover it. He's going to have to leave. INT. BELA'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Bela lies sleeping in bed, pasty and pale. NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS of his hospital stay are tacked up. Ed anxiously tiptoes in. He quietly speaks. ED Bela, wake up. Bela stirs lethargically. Ed puts on a fake smile. ED I've got some good news. The doctor says you're all better. You can come home. BELA (so weak, he's barely audible) Really? I don't feel so great. ED No, you look good. And the tests came back fine. (a poignant pause) C'mon... Ed gingerly helps Bela up. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY Bela slowly gets into Ed's car. BELA Eddie, I wanna make another picture. When are we gonna make another picture? ED Soon, Bela... Soon. CUT TO: INT. CAMERA RENTAL HOUSE - DAY Ed is desperately trying to cut a deal with the OLD MANAGER. ED Please, I just need it for one afternoon! OLD MANAGER Ed, if I cut a deal for you, I gotta cut one for everybody. ED This is different! It'll mean so much to me. All I need is a camera and a tripod. No lights, no sound. Nothin' fancy. OLD MANAGER And that's it? ED And one roll of film. The old guy gives Ed a tough look. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - DAY Bela is dressed in his Sunday finest, standing in front of his little house. He wears a cloak and a wide-brimmed hat. BELA This is so exciting. Another production! WE WIDEN. Out on the lawn... is just Ed. With the camera. BELA So Eddie, don't we need a sound crew? ED No, this is just the second unit. We'll do the main footage later. BELA Oh. So what is the scene about? ED (improvising) Uh... you're a very important and respected man. You're leaving your house... and you're in a hurry to a big social event. Bela nods. He mulls this over. BELA Okay. But what if I'm not in too big a hurry? What if I take a moment to slow down and savor the beauty of life? To smell a flower? ED (he smiles) That's great. Let's do a take. WIDE Bela goes in the front door. Ed gets behind the camera, then turns it ON. ED Okay, roll camera! Rolling. Scene One, Take One! (pause) And... ACTION! There's a moment. And then Bela slowly steps outside, calm, dignified, walking with a cane. He looks about -- and then something catches his eye. He leans down and picks a flower. Bela smells the flower, then abruptly drops it. He starts crying. A pause, and then he composes himself. The old man slowly shuffles out of frame. Ed peers emotionally from behind the camera. ED And, cut... BELA Eddie, how was I? ED (quiet) Perfect. Bela is pleased. BELA Good. (beat) Now what about my close up? CUT TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD DUPLEX - DUSK Ed's Nash convertible pulls up outside a neat little duplex in a nice neighborhood. Ed is dressed up for a date. He checks his hair nervously in the mirror, revealing an anxious boyishness we've never seen before. Ed carries a bouquet of flowers to the front door. He rings the bell. Kathy opens the door. She looks very pretty in a full skirt with a crinolin. KATHY Oh, flowers! I didn't know you were so traditional. ED (a little embarrassed) I just picked them up on the way over... KATHY They're very nice. (she smiles sweetly) Let me get my coat. EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT Ed and Kathy are at a tattered traveling carnival. Rattling steel rides and flashing lights spin about them. They stroll through the crowds eating cotton candy. Kathy wears one of Ed's flowers on her dress. KATHY So have you always lived in L.A.? ED No. I'm from back east. You know, All-American small town... everybody knew everybody, I was a Boy Scout, my dad worked for the post office... KATHY Sounds like you lived in Grovers Corners. INT. SPOOK HOUSE - NIGHT Ed and Kathy ride through the old mechanical spook house. KATHY Did you find it boring? ED Nah, 'cause I had my comic books. And I read pulp magazines. And I listened to the radio dramas... A wooden WITCH jumps out at them. They ignore it. KATHY Oh. I loved those shows! "Inner Sanctum"... "The Shadow" -- ED (getting excited) Yeah! Don't forget "Mercury Theatre"... And then every Saturday, I'd go to the little movie theater down the street. I even started ushering there. A creaky GHOST flies overhead. KATHY You're not gonna believe the first picture I ever saw. Your friend's. ED What do you mean? KATHY "Dracula." Ed freaks out. ED That's INCREDIBLE! That's the first picture I ever saw!! WIDE Mechanical BATS drop down and flap around them. KATHY That is incredible! (beat) You know, I had to sleep with the lights on for a week after seeing that movie. ED I had to sleep with the lights on for a month. (he smiles) But I never missed a Lugosi picture after that. KATHY A few years ago, I actually saw him do "Dracula" live. I thought he was much scarier in person. CLOSEUP - ED He starts at Kathy in wonder. He is overcome. Their car SMASHES through the tin exit doors. EXT. SPOOK HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed and Kathy's little car comes to a stop. He gets very serious. ED Kathy, I'm about to tell you something I've never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know. (beat) I like to wear women's clothes. KATHY Huh? ED I like to wear women's clothes: Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps... it's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you, but I really like you, and I don't want it getting in the way down the road. Kathy is amazed. She contemplates all this. KATHY Does this mean you don't like sex with girls? ED No! I love sex with girls. KATHY Oh. Okay. ED (surprised) Okay? Kathy slyly grins. KATHY Okay. Ed grins back. A moment. CUT TO: INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Ed is on the telephone. We SPLIT-SCREEN with Vampira. ED (on phone) Vampira! Hi, it's Ed Wood. VAMPIRA (on phone) Ed, I told you, I don't wanna go out! ED No, don't worry, I moved on. I was just calling to see if you want to attend the world premiere of my new film, "Bride Of The Monster." VAMPIRA (confused) Didn't you just make one called "Bride Of The Atom"? ED It's the same film. But the distributor wanted a punchier title. C'mon! It's gonna be a big event -- we're going all out! Bela, Tor, and Cris are coming. You'll have fun! Vampira rolls her eyes. CUT TO: EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Hundreds of KIDS and TEENAGERS enter a dilapidated second-run theater. A banner says "'Bride Of The Monster' World Premiere! Celebrities In Person!" EXT. DARK CITY STREET - SAME TIME An antique limousine HEARSE drives down a dingy street. INT. HEARSE Ed drives. Tor, ill Bela, Vampira, and Criswell are crammed in with him, along with bewildered Kathy. Everyone is dressed in gaudy "scary" outfits. Tor wears his frightening WHITE CONTACT LENSES. TOR My eyes are killink me. ED Don't worry. We're almost there. BELA (still hoarse) Eddie, where are we? We passed that carwash twenty minutes ago. CRISWELL I predict we're lost. VAMPIRA (to Bela) Hey! You wanna watch the hands?? Bela sheepishly removes his hand from her thigh. BELA Sorry... ED (he looks around, baffled) Has anyone ever been to Downey? INT. MOVIE THEATER - SAME TIME The audience is so restless, they're practically rioting. They CLAP AND CHANT angrily. A fat patronizing MANAGER steps on stage. THEATER MANAGER Children, if you don't calm down, there won't be the entertainment. ANGRY KID It was supposed to start an hour ago! INT. HEARSE - SAME TIME Tempers are flaring. TOR My eyes are burnink. KATHY Hey look! There's the theater. TOR Where? I can't see nothink! EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The hearse pulls up. A FRANTIC USHER runs over. FRANTIC USHER Thank God, you're here! They're tearing the place apart! The gang awkwardly steps out of the hearse. Tor gets out and blindly walks straight into a lamp post. WHACK! He yelps. TOR Ow. Bela moves slowly, very feeble. Vampira smooths out her slinky black dress, then puts her arm around Bela to help him. FRANTIC USHER C'mon! This way! INT. THEATER - SAME TIME Criswell points Tor in the right direction, and the group stumbles in. Ed escorts excited Kathy. KATHY I've never been to a premiere before. The Usher opens the auditorium doors. INSIDE It's PANDEMONIUM. People are screaming and shouting. Kids jump up and down, on top of the chairs. Bela, Tor, Vaspira, and Criswell are alarmed. The lights dim on and off. Scratchy SPOOKY MUSIC blasts over the sound system. ED Wow. Go knock 'em dead! Criswell pushes blind Tor towards the stage. Tor sticks out his arms and scarily staggers down the aisle. Criswell nervously follows. Vampira escorts Bela. The crowd BOOS. They pelt our gang with popcorn. Tor GROWLS like a monster. Kids LAUGH and jeer. ON ED AND KATHY In back, Ed speaks in a frightening manner into a MICROPHONE: ED (amplified) Ooooo! At the stroke of midnight, the witching hour, the ghouls arise from the dead! DOWN THE AISLE Tor slips in some butter. He tumbles and falls. A WOMAN'S VOICE cackles. WOMAN'S VOICE It's the blind leading the blind! Tor staggers to his feet. All disoriented, he starts walking the wrong direction and falls over a chair. People HECKLE. Criswell quickly helps his up. TOR Dis is a nightmare. CRISWELL It's show biz. Criswell pushes Tor in the right direction. Some roughnecks knock down Criswell and snatch his wallet. A MEAN BOY jumps on his chair, ripping the stuffing out of the seat. He throws the fibers in the air, and they float over Bela and Vampira. BELA What is that? VAMPIRA I think they're getting ready to burn this place down. A HIGH SCHOOL PUNK runs up and grabs Vampira's breasts. HIGH SCHOOL PUNK Hey Vampira, how 'bout a little love? VAMPIRA Fuck off! She impulsively swings her arm and SLAMS the kid. ON STAGE The Manager pleads to the mob. THEATER MANAGER Children, please! Be calm! Somebody throws a bottle and HITS him in the head. He goes down. WIDE The lights suddenly go off. Some girls SCREAM. Ed's panicked. He grabs Kathy and runs down to his friends. ED C'mon! We're getting the hell out of here! Ed rounds up Bela, Tor, Criswell, and Vampira. The crowd BOOS louder. Blind Tor is totally confused. TOR What is happening? ED We're escaping! The group runs up the aisle and leaves. As the doors close, "Bride Of The Monster" starts unspooling on the screen. EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The gang frantically runs out, scared for their lives. They look over. Some JUVENILE DELINQUENTS are stripping the hearse. VAMPIRA We're gonna die. The theater doors CRASH open. The angry mob pours out. Ed spins wildly around... and sees a cab approaching. ED Stop! KATHY STOP! Kathy runs frenziedly into the street and throws herself at the cab. It screeches to a halt. Everybody sprints over and jumps in. The cab ROARS away. INT. CAB - SAME TIME All of them are breathing heavily. They watch in the rear window as they drive away from the rampage. A nervous silence. Until Bela speaks. BELA Now that was a premiere. All of them LAUGH. CUT TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Bela and Ed stroll down the street, in high spirits. Bela smokes a big fat cigar. BELA Last night was quite a romp. ED Did you see that kid grab Vampira's tits? BELA I envied him. (he chuckles) Hell, I envied you too, having a girlfriend that would jump in front of a car like that. ED Yeah, she's really somethin'. BELA I know none of my wives would've. Ed laughs. Bela puffs his cigar. BELA Eddie, I want to thank you. These last few days have been a good time. ED I just wish you coulda seen the movie. BELA No problem. I know it by heart... Bela stops walking. And in a BOOMING, THEATRICAL VOICE, he suddenly launches into his impassioned, climactic speech from "Bride Of The Monster." BELA "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people... a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" Ed is touched. A few people around them APPLAUD. Bela's face lights up, proud. An awed MIDWESTERN TOURIST hands him a pen and paper. TOURIST Mr. Lugosi, could I have your autograph? BELA Certainly. TOURIST Boy, that was incredible. You're just as good an actor as you always were. Bela puffs out his chest majestically. BELA Better. (beat) I'm seventy-four, but I don't know it. If the brain is young, then the spirit is still vigorous... like a young man. Bela turns and smiles wanly at Ed. Ed smiles back. CUT TO: INT. ED'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Ed and Kathy stand in his kitchen, making dinner. She sticks her finger in a pot. KATHY Ed, this spaghetti sauce is delicious. ED Thanks. It's actually the only thing I know how to make. (he motions) Hey, can you grab that strainer? She holds a strainer. Ed pours the spaghetti over it. Suddenly the PHONE rings. Ed groans. ED Ugh! Always at the wrong time. (he ANSWERS the phone) Hello? He listens. And then, he gets a very somber expression. ED Oh no... Ed HANGS UP the phone. He looks pained. KATHY What was that? ED (quiet) Bela died. CUT TO: INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY It's Bela's funeral. Ed sits crying in the front row, with Kathy at his side. All Bela's friends are there. They're very subdued. THE CASKET Bela lies inside, made up in his full Dracula outfit. His hair is died black, and he wears the famous cape. EXT. HOLY CROSS CEMETERY - DAY On a grassy hill, Bela is laid to rest. The small crowd of mourners stands silhouetted against the dark gray clouds. The coffin is lowered into the ground. Ed stands at the front, silently watching. AT A DISTANCE A few TABLOID PHOTOGRAPHERS snap pictures. PHOTOGRAPHER #1 Whose crazy idea was it to bury him in the cape? PHOTOGRAPHER #2 I heard it was in the will. It was how he wanted to be remembered. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY Ed is alone in a darkened screening room, depressed. Playing on the SCREEN is the last footage of Bela: Bela stumbles around in front of his house and smells the flower. Ed drinks out of a flask. The film runs out. A VOICE comes over a loudspeaker. VOICE Do you want me to run it again? Ed silently nods. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed's apartment has gone to hell. Ed is in a robe, unshaven and clutching a bottle of whiskey. Newspapers are everywhere. Bela's and Ed's dogs eat out of the trash. Kathy tries to straighten things up. Ed stares listlessly. ED I'd seen him in a coffin so many times, I expected him to jump out... KATHY Ed, you've got to snap out of this. Bela's dead -- you're not! ED I might as well be. I made shitty movies that nobody wanted to see. (beat) I blew it. All he wanted was a comeback... that last glory... KATHY Well you tried -- ED (angry) I was a fuckin' HACK! I let people recut the movies, cast their relatives... (beat) I let Bela down... CUT TO: EXT. ED'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A new Studebaker pulls up. A bumper sticker says "JESUS SAVES" A man in a plain brown suit steps out. This is J. EDWARD REYNOLDS, 50, Ed's santironious southern Christian landlord. Reynolds assertively bangs on Ed's front door. REYNOLDS Mr. Wood?! ED (O.S.) Hruphh...? REYNOLDS Mr. Wood, this is Mr. Reynolds, your landlord. Could you please open up? The door opens a crack. Bleary Ed peers out. ED Yeah...? REYNOLDS Mr. Wood, you have bounced your third and final rent check. ED (he sloppily lies) I'm real sorry. My stockbroker must have transferred the wrong account... C'mon in, I'll write you another one. INT. APARTMENT - SAME TIME Ed motions Reynolds in. Reynolds peers unsurely at the tornado inside. Then he notices a framed one-sheet for "BRIDE OF THE MONSTER." Reynolds admires it. REYNOLDS Hmm, so you're in the picture business? ED (rummaging for a check) You could say that -- REYNOLDS I'm interested in the picture business. My associates and I wish to produce a series of uplifting religious films, on the Apostles. But unfortunately, we don't have enough money. ED (distracted) Raising money is tough. REYNOLDS Oh! Our church has the money for one film. We just don't have it for all twelve... ANGLE - ED His eyes suddenly pop. The color comes back to his fact. A plan is quickly boiling over inside Ed's head. He starts feverishly pacing around. ED Okay -- you know what you do? You produce a film in a commercially proven genre. And after it's a hit, you take the profits from that, and make the twelve Apostles' movies. REYNOLDS Would that work? ED Absolutely! You see this script..? Ed randomly grabs a script off the messy floor, then glances down, to see which one he picked up. It says "Graverobbers From Outer Space." ED "Graverobbers From Outer Space"! It's money in the bank. REYNOLDS Graverobbers from what?? ED From outer space! It's science- fiction. Very big with the kids! If you make this picture, you'll have enough money to finance a HUNDRED religious films! (beat) And pay my back rent from the profits. Reynolds scratches his head. REYNOLDS I don't know... this is all a lot to absorb. ED It's a guaranteed blockbuster! REYNOLDS Um, I understand that this science friction is popular -- but don't the big hits always have big stars? ED (in a frenzy) Yeah, well we've GOT a big star! Bela Lugosi!! REYNOLDS (mystified) Lugosi??! Didn't be pass on? Ed grins maniacally. He grabs a SMALL REEL of 35mm film. ED Yes, but I've got the last footage he ever shot! REYNOLDS Just, it doesn't look like very much. ED It's plenty! It's the acorn that will grow a great oak. I'll just find a double to finish his scenes, and we'll release it as "Bela Lugosi's Final Film" A beat. Reynolds stares, intrigued... CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATER The place is cleaned-up. Ed shouts excitedly into the phone. ED Bunny! We're making another film! Yeah -- I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash! Paul sticks his head in. PAUL MARCO Ed, I got the Lugosi lookalikes outside. ED Great! Bring 'em in! Bunny, I gotta run. Ed hangs up. Paul leads in THREE. They look nothing like Bela. One is a HOMELESS BUM, one is a SHORT FAT MAN, and one is CHINESE. Ed inspects them. ED Too tall... too short... (he glances at the Chinese guy) And this guy doesn't work at all. PAUL MARCO Well I was thinkin' like, when Bela played "Fu Manchu." ED That was Karloff. (beat) Paul, you gotta try harder. I don't want this film to be haif-assed. This time, we go for the quality. Paul turns to go. ED And by the way, keep Sunday free. The producers want all of us to get baptized. CUT TO: INT. KATHY'S APARTMENT - DAY Kathy reads a newspaper while knitting an angora sweater. Ed is typing deliriously fast -- in one of his artistic fevers. ED You know, when you rewrite a script, it just gets better and better! KATHY Do you want your buttons on the left or the right? ED The left. It's more natural. (he squints at his script) Hey, I've got a scene where the aliens have the ultimate bomb. What would that be made of? KATHY Uh, atomic energy? ED No. They're beyond that! They're smarter than the humans. What's more advanced? KATHY Dynamite -- ED No, BIGGER! What's the biggest energy?? KATHY The sun. ED (ecstatic) Yes! BINGO! Solar energy! Oh that's gonna seem so scientific. (he resumes TYPING) This movie's gonna be the ultimate Ed Wood film. No compromises. Kathy suddenly jumps up, shocked. KATHY Oh my God. Look at this! She runs over and shows Ed the newspaper. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER A small headline says "VAMPIRA REVEALED TO BE RED." Underneath is the story: "Channel 7 has fired popular horror hostess Vampira, after learning of her suspected communist leanings..." ON ED AND KATHY They're astonished. ED Those assholes. KATHY The poor girl's out of a job. ED Yeah... (he looks up) I should give her a call. CUT TO: INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Ed and Kathy sit with a shaken-up Vampira. ED I'm really sorry... VAMPIRA It's terrible. People won't even return my calls. It's like I don't exist. ED I know what that's like. (he pulls out his SCRIPT) Anyway, I brought a copy of the script. You would play the "Ghoul's Wife." VAMPIRA (she grimaces) The Ghoul's Wife?! God, I can't believe I'm doing this... KATHY You should feel lucky. Ed's the only guy in town who doesn't pass judgment on people. ED (he laughs) Hell, if I did, I wouldn't have any friends. Vampira smiles uncomfortably. VAMPIRA Look... would it be possible to make the "Ghoul's Wife" a little less prominent, so people won't really notice me in the movie? ED You don't wanna be noticed? VAMPIRA Exactly. Hey, how 'bout this -- what if I don't have any lines? I'll do the part mute! Kathy suddenly sees someone. KATHY Look, it's Dr. Tom. (she SHOUTS) Hey, Dr. Tom! ED Who's Dr. Tom? KATHY My chiropractor! DR. TOM MASON, a tall, slender 35-year-old chiropractor, strides over. He smiles. DR. MASON Kathy, how are you?! You're looking in alignment today. KATHY Actually, my neck's a little funny. Dr. Mason grabs Kathy's neck and CRACKS it loudly. ON ED Ed stares at the Doctor in astonishment. Ed is riveted. ED Wait a second. Don't move! Ed excitedly jumps up, takes his NAPXIN, and covers the Doctor's face from the nose down. ED It's uncanny. VAMPIRA What's uncanny? ED LOOK AT HIS SKULL! CUT TO: INT. BAPTIST CHURCH OF BEVERLY HILLS - DAY Services are in progress. J. Edward Reynolds leads a CHOIR singing an emotional SPIRITUAL. Ed, Tor, Criswell, Paul, Conrad, Vampira, Kathy, Bunny, and Dr. Tom Mason sit in back. They're all wearing white robes and arguing about the doctor. TOR He look nutink like Bela! CONRAD He's kinds got his ears. TOR You're stupid! KATHY No, cover up his face. Kathy lifts Dr. Mason's robe over his bewildered face. CRISWELL Ah! Now I see it. DR. MASON (goofily imitating Bela) "I want to suck your blood!" Everybody CRACKS up. Ed waves his arms. ED SHHH! We want these Baptists to like us. Like bad kids, they quiet down. Ingenuous Southern REVEREND LYN LEMON speaks up front. REVEREND LEMON Brothers and Sisters, we've reached a special part of the service. The baptism of our new members! (beat) If the congregation will oblige, we'd like to adjourn and reconvene at Emma DuBois's back yard. EXT. BACKYARD - DAY The straight-laced, devout CONGREGATION is gathered around a large SWIMMING POOL. Reverend Lemon, Reynolds, and our misfits stand in the shallow end, in their white robes. Criswell whispers to Vampira. CRISWELL Why couldn't we do this in the church? VAMPIRA Because "Brother Torî couldn't fit in the sacred tub. MONTAGE: THE REVEREND BAPTIZES ED REVEREND LEMON ...Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior? ED I do. Reynolds DUNKS Ed in the water. THE REVEREND BAPTIZES BUNNY REVEREND LEMON ...Do you reject Satan and all his works? BUNNY (hiding a smirk) I do. Reynolds DUNKS Bunny. THE REVEREND BAPTIZES TOR REVEREND LEMON ...Do you repent for all your sins? TOR I do. Tor winks slyly at Criswell. Reynolds DUNKS Tor. But Tor slips from Reynolds' grasp and sinks to the bottom of the pool. REYNOLDS Oh my God, I dropped him -- Tor lies on the bottom, staring lifeinsly. CRISWELL (mischievous) I don't think he's coming up! REVEREND LEMON Lord no! The man's drowning! REYNOLDS (scared) What do we do?! REVEREND LEMON Help! HELP!!! The whole Congregation starts JUMPING IN. Men and women in their Sunday finest leap into the pool and start tugging on Tor. But nobody can budge the big whale. REVEREND LEMON (near tears) Dear Jesus, please forgive us! ON TOR He suddenly rises, Poseidon-like, from the pool. Tor spits out water, then lets out a hearty BELLY LAVGH. TOR Tor make good joke! The Baptists aren't amused. CUT TO: INT. CITY BUS - MORNING A bus drives along. Every PASSENGER stares at something up front -- Vampira, in her slinky black outfit. She reads a "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" script. EXT. SCUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD - SAME TIME The bus stops in a scary, run-down neighborhood. Vampira off and warily looks around. VAMPIRA This can't be the right address... She nervously walks down a dingy alley. Vampira gets to an unmarked grimy door, gulps, then slowly opens it... INT. WAREHOUSE SOUNDSTAGE - DAY And inside is the "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" famous CEMETERY SET! The film is in production! Packed into a stinking little studio are a few scrawny twigs, branches, and flimsy cardboard tombstones set against a black drop. Tot struts about gregariously, in his "Inspector Clay" suit. He chats up the CREW. TOR I am so happy! Finally I am star wit dialogue! I memorized every wordt. Eddie will be so proud! The Baptists chase Ed around. They wave the script. REYNOLDS Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions -- REVEREND LEMON The script refers on numerous occasions to graverobbing. Now we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground highly offensive. It's blasphemy. ED (very annoyed) What are you talking about?! It's the premise of the movie. It's even the title, for Christ's sake! REVEREND LEMON (shocked) Mr. Wood! REYNOLDS Yes, about that title, it strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don't we change it to "Plan Nine From Outer Space"? Ed shakes his head. ED That's ridiculous! WIPE TO: CEMETERY SET They're filming the COPS arriving at the pitch-black cemetery. There's a prop police car, and an assistant blows fog in. ED And, ACTION! Tor steps onto the set TOR (as Inspector Clay) "Medicul eksaminer been aroundt yet?" COP "Just left. The morgue wagon oughta be along most any time." TOR "You get statement frumk vitnesses?" COP "Yeah, but they're pretty scared." TOR "Findink mess like dis oughta make anyone frightened. Have one of da boyz take dem back to town. You take jarge." ON THE CREW Everybody grices, trying to understand Tor. The SCRIPT GIRL shakes her head. The Baptists angrily pull Ed aside. REYNOLDS What'd you give him all the lines for?? He's unintelligible! ED Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira won't talk. Ihad to give somebody the dialogue. REVEREND LEMON That's not an answer. WIPE TO: ANOTHER SCENE BEING SHOT - LATER As Inspector Clay, Tor wanders around the "cemtery," waving his flashlight and nervously fingering his gun. Ed grins at the Baptists. ED See, no talking. Isn't he good? (he grabs his MEGAPHONE) CUE DR. TOM! DR. TOM (o.s.) Now? ED YES, NOW! LURK HIM. AND BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED! The door of a large paper-mache crypt creeps open. Dr. Tom uncertainly steps out, impersonating Bela. He holds the cape over his face and stalks Tor. Ed is pleased as punch. He whispers to the Baptists. ED Isn't it wonderful? Bela lives! REVEREND LEMON Doesn't this strike you as a bit morbid? ED No, he would've loved it! Bela's returned from the grave -- like Dracula. (he grabs the MEGAPHONE) CUE VAMPIRA! Vampira steps out, walking in a trance. Tor is now cornered. He fruitlessly FIRES his gun, but bullets can't stop zombies. Vampira and Dr. Tom kill him. Tor screams. WIPE TO: ANOTHER SCENE GETS SHOT - LATER Paul and Conrad are scared cops exploring the cemetery. CONRAD (as a cop) "Let's go down and find out whose grave it is." PAUL MARCO (as a cop) "Why do I always get hooked up with these spook details? Monsters! Graves! Bodies!" ED CUE THE FLYING SAUCER, RAY! Off-stage, a grip on a ladder pans a 10K SEARCHLIGHT. The LIGHT crosses the actors. They look up in horror, then clumsily fall down. A rickety fake tombstone tips over. ED And PERFECT. CUT! REYNOLDS (freaking out) "Perfect"? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?! ED I like to think so. REYNOLDS That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony! ED People won't notice. Filmmaking isn't about picky details -- it's about the big picture. REYNOLDS Oh, you wanna talk about the "big picture"?! How 'bout that the policemen arrive in the daylight, but now it's suddenly night??? Ed suddenly flips out. He's livid. ED YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! Haven't you ever heard of "suspension of disbelief"?! A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN walks up. He smiles at the Baptists, STRAPPING YOUNG MAN Reverend, I'm here. ED (baffled) Who's he? REVEREND LEMON This is our choir director. He's gonna play the young hero. ED (furious) Are you IN5ANE? I'm the director! I make the casting decisions around here! REVEREND LEMON I thought this was a group effort. ED NOOOOO!!! Ed spastically storms away. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Ed bursts in. He paces about, hysterically traumatized. ED They're driving me crazy! These Baptists are stupid, stupid, STUPID! Ed glances at a clothing rack -- and sees an ANGORA SWEATER. Ed is taken aback. He slowly removes it from the hanger and rubs it against his face. His breathing slows. ED Mmm. I need to calm... Take deep breaths... (he rubs the angora) Ohh, it's so smooth... INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME The dressing room door flies open. Ed slowly struts out, in the sweater, pantsuit, and pumps. He is calmed and at ease. The stage quiets. People are staring. ED Okay, everyone! Let's set up for Scene 112! Move the crypt stage left and get ready with Tor's make-up effect. The crew resumes working. But the Baptists charge up, aghast. REVEREND LEMON Mr. Wood? What do you think you're doing?! ED I'm directing. REYNOLDS Not like THAT, you're not! REVEREND LEMON Remove that get-up immediately. You shame our Lord. Ed throws up his hands. ED That's it. I give up! CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY Ed frantically marches out of the building. He's still in his ladies' outfit. Ed sees a cab and WHISTLES loudly. The cab pulls over. Ed jumps in. ED Take me to the nearest bar. CUT TO: INT. MUSSO & FRANKS - DAY The place is quiet, mid-morning. Frazzled Ed enters and sits at the bar. ED Imperial whiskey, straight up. The bartender nonchalantly pours a shot. Ed takes the drink. He quietly sips his booze and reflects upon his day. Ed glances around. And then, suddenly -- his eyes widen. Sitting at a table is ORSON WELLES! The portly, world-famous filmmaker sits alone, eating lunch with one hand and drawing STORYBOARDS with the other. Ed is thunderstruck. ED Oh my God. It's Orson Welles... Ed nervously stands. He starts to step forward -- when he catches his own reflection in a mirror. He's still in drag. ED Oh shit. Ed rolls his eyes. He runs his hand through his hair, then slowly approaches Orson Welles. Ed is terrified. ED Excuse me, Sir...? ORSON WELLES (he casually looks up) Yes? ED Uh, uh, I'm a young filmmaker, and a really big fan... and I just wanted to meet you. ORSON WELLES (he extends his hand) My pleasure. I'm Orson Welles. ED Oh. Um, I'm Ed Wood! (he smiles anxiously) So, what are you working on now? ORSON WELLES Eh, the financing just fell through for the third time on "Don Quixote." So I'm trying to finish a promo for something else. But I can't find the soundtrack -- (he shrugs) I think I left it in Malta. Ed is astonished. ED I can't believe it. These sound like my problems! ORSON WELLES It's the damn money men. You never know who's a windbag, and who's got the goods. And then they all think they're a director... ED Ain't that the truth! I've even bad producers recut my movies -- ORSON WELLES Ugh, I hate when that happens. ED (on a roll) And they always want to cast their buddies -- it doesn't even matter if they're right for the part! ORSON WELLES Tell me about it. I'm supposed to do a thriller at Universal, and they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican! Ed shakes his head. He's discouraged. ED Mr. Welles, is it all worth it? ORSON WELLES It is when it works. (solemn) You know the one film of mine I can stand to watch? "Kane." The studio hated it... but they didn't get to touch a frame. (he smiles warmly) Ed, visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else's dreams? CLOSEUP - ED He has seen God. ED Wow. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY Ed bursts onto the stage, a changed man. Re-energized, he confidently grabs the Baptists. ED Mr. Reynolds! REYNOLDS Yes? ED We are gonna finish this film just the way I want it! Because you can't compromise an artist's vision! REVEREND LEMON (flustered) B-but it's our money -- ED And you're gonna make a bundle. This movie's gonna be famous! But only if you SHUT UP, and let me do it my way! Reynolds and Rev. Lemon are speechiess. CLOSEUP - ED He beams, turns and SHOUTS TRIUMPHANTLY into the soundstage. ED ALRIGHT! ACTORS IN POSITION! LET'S FINISH THIS PICTURE!! WIPE TO: "PLAN 9" MONTAGE: SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET Tor plays a zombie rising from the dead. He wears the scary white contact lenses. Tor's so big, he has trouble lifting himself from the grave. EDITING ROOM Ed and his stock footage buddy watch a moviola. ED Okay, I want that tank! And I want that bomb! SOUNDSTAGE Harry paints Bunny's face GREEN, like a Martian. Ed yells. ED NO! The aliens should look like people. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm tellin' ya, aliens are always green. ED Not in my movie, they're not! SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET Bunny's make-up is now normal. He wears an alien suit. A HAMMY ALIEN enters and salutes with a bizarre crossing gesture. BUNNY "What plan will we follow?" HAMMY ALIEN "Plan Nine." BUNNY "Plan Nine..." (he consults his papers) "Ah yes. Plan Nine deals with the resurrection of the dead." SCENE IN THE CEMETERY Tor staggers up to Paul Marco and CLOBBERS him. OFF-STAGE Ed smiles at the Baptists. ED Maybe you guys were right. "Plan Nine" is a good title. MINIATURE CITY SET Ed shoots the famous flying saucers. Paul holds a paper plate and Conrad lights it on fire. The "saucer" soars on fishing line over a little miniature town. SCENE IN THE BEDROOM SET Dr. Tom glides in, his cape over his face. A woman SCREAMS. COCKPIT SET Ed stands in front of a masonite board and two chairs. An actor playing the AIRPLANE PILOT walks up. PILOT Where's the cockpit set? ED You're standing in it. (he yells off) Alright, bring in the shower curtain! A shower curtain gets lowered into the doorway. EXT. DUSTY ROAD A car zooms by. Kathy drives, as Ed shoots handheld out the back window. SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET Th Hammy Alien argues with the humans. PILOT "So what if we develop this solarnite bomb? We'd be even a stronger nation." HAMMY ALIEN "Stronger? You see! You see!! Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!" PILOT "That's all I'm taking from you." He WHACKS the alien. A brawl breaks out. SCENE WITH CRISWELL Criswell lectures behind a desk, with mysterious lighting CRISWELL "Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it. For they will be from outer space." SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET The famous shot: Tor and Vampira walk in a trance through foggy cemetery. Off-stage, Ed stands with the crew. He shouts gleefully. ED More fog! More fog!! (he beams) And CUT! PRINT IT! IT'S A WRAP! END MONTAGE. CUT TO: EXT. CITY - NIGHT It's pouring rain. Standing in the drench is Ed. He's wearing a tux, and fighting with his open convertible top. The Rambler is filled with water. Kathy stands under an awning. She wears a pretty gown. ED I can't get it to go up. KATHY Ed, you're gonna miss your own premiere. ED (he gives up) C'mon! Let's just go. Ed impulsively opens the car door. Water pours out. Kathy scurries out and jumps in the wet car with him. EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT The rain is gushing down. The marquee proclaims "WORLD PREMIERE: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!" People hurry in. Ed and Kathy roar up in the open convertible, totally soaked. He jumps out, opens her door, and they run inside. INT. THEATER - NIGHT The theater is packed. All the gang, and their friends and families, are gathered. Criswell stands on-stage, speaking into a mike. CRISWELL You are about to see en extraordinary motion picture. But before it begins, I think we ought to give a hand to the man without whom we wouldn't be here tonight... Eddie, take a bow! The crowd ERUPTS in applause. Everybody goes crazy -- even the Baptists. People YELL "Speech! Speech!" Ed smiles proudly. Kathy kisses him. Ed runs down front, hugs Criswell, then takes the microphone. ED Thanks a million. I just wanna say... this film is for Bela. The lights dim. DISSOLVE TO: MINUTES LATER The title "PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE" is projected onto the screen. As random IMAGES from the film play out, we drift over the happy faces of our friends watching. Paul and Conrad stare, enthralled. Tor laughs as he sees himself. Vampira giggles. Bunny nudges her playfully. Criswell mouths his own lines. ON SCREEN Bela appears, in his little suit. In the last footage he ever shot, he shuffles around in front of his house, then tenderly smells the flower. ON ED He watches, entranced. Then he smiles to himself. ED This is the one. I know I'll be remembered for this film. CUT TO: INT. THEATER LOBBY - LATER The BOISTEROUS crowd is in high spirits. People congratulate Ed and pat him on the back. "It was great!" "It's your best one yet!" "Bela would've loved it!" Ed drifts through the crowd, basking in the glory. It's like a wonderful dream. EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The rain comes down in sheets. The doors burst open, and Ed and Kathy run out. KATHY Ed, I'm so happy for you. ED Let's get married. KATHY (startled) Huh?! ED Right now. Let's drive to Vegas! KATHY But it's pouring. And the car top is stuck! ED (he gives his killer grin) So? It's only a five-hour drive. And it'll probably clear up, once we hit the desert. Heck, it'll probably clear up once we drive around the corner. I promise. Kathy stares in disbelief. Then she smiles. They kiss. Ed and Kathy jump into the open convertible. The engine starts, and they drive away, disappearing into the pouring rain. A moment. And then, we move up, up, into the black clouds. Lightning CRACKS across the sky. OPTICAL: We slowly PULL OUT from the sky, move through a window... and we're back inside INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT Criswell is sitting inside his coffin. He stares at us. CRISWELL My friend, you have just seen the story of Edward D. Wood, Junior. Stranger than fact... and yet every incident based on sworn testimony. (his eyes gleam) A man. A life. Can you prove it didn't happen? A beat, to ponder this. And then Criswell slowly lies back in his coffin, and the lid mysteriously closes over him. FADE OUT. THE ENDED WOOD by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski Directed by Tim Burton FIRST DRAFT November 20, 1992 FADE IN: INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT We move through a spooky shrouded parlor, as a storm rages outside. THUNDER roars, and lightning flashes in the giant windows. in the center of the room lies an oak coffin. Suddenly the lid starts to creak open. A hand crawls past the edge... and then the lid slams up! Famed psychic CRISWELL pops out. Criswell, 40, peers at us intently, his gleaming eyes framed under his striking pale blonde hair. He intones, with absolute conviction: CRISWELL Greetings, my friend. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable... that is why you are here. So now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened... (extremely serious) We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your hearts stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood, Junior?? EXT. NIGHT SKY Lightning CRACKS. We drift down past the dark clouds... through the torrential rain... and end up... OPTICAL: EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT We've landed in Hollywood, 1952. We're outside a teeny, grungy playhouse. The cracked marquee proclaims "'THE CASUAL COMPANY,' WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY EDWARD D. WOOD, JR." Pacing nervously in the rain is ED WOOD, 30, our hero. Larger-than-life charismatic, confident, Errol Flynn-style handsome, Ed is a human magnet. He's a classically flawed optimist: Sweet and well-intentioned, yet doomed by his demons within. The doors open, and Ed's pal JOHN "BUNNY" BRECKINRIDGE, 45, hurries out. Bunny is a wealthy, theatrical fop wearing a string of pearls. [PAGE 2 MISSING] Suddenly the rest of the cast runs up, frantically upset. In a flowing white dress is DOLORES FULLER, 23, a sharp, hungry- for-a-career ingenue. She's near tears. DOLORES Eddie, my dove just flew out the window! CREW MEMBER She goes on in two minutes! What are we gonna do?? They all look to Ed, awaiting a response. He thinks a second, then excitedly CLAPS his hands. ED Dolores, give me your shoes. DOLORES What? ED The ghost can be barefoot. Give me your shoes! She hands Ed her white shoes. He snatches one, grabs a pair of scissors, and starts CUTTING up the shoe. Everyone is baffled. He keeps cutting the shoe... and it slowly takes on the shape of a dove! Ed then grabs some pipe cleaners, works them into a shape, and sprints into the dressing room. He takes some green eye shadow and excitedly smears it on the pipe cleaners. Ed then hurries back out, jams the green pipe cleaners into the cut-up shoe... and it looks like a dove with an olive branch in its mouth! The cast is flabbergasted. CREW MEMBER Wow. BACK ONSTAGE The soldiers suddenly look up. ACTOR #1 Hey, I think I see something! Dolores floats down onto the stage, holding out the dove. DOLORES I offer you mortals the bird of peace, so that you may change your ways and end all this destruction. CUT TO: INT. SCRUFFY COFFEE SHOP - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his gang celebrate opening night in a dirty 24-hour diner. They're noisily slugging down drinks, in a big red booth. ED What a show! Everyone was terrific! Paul, your second-act monologue actually gave me chills, He grins at Actor #1, aka PAUL MARCO, a young eager beaver who's loyal like a dog. PAUL MARCO Aw thanks, Eddie. Actor #2, aka CONRAD BROOKS, a friendly, simple-minded lug, runs up waving a newspaper. CONRAD I got the early edition! It was just dropped off at the newsstand. ED (he smiles at everyone) This is the big moment...! Ed opens the paper to the entertainment page. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER. Ed turns to a column, "The Theatrical Life, By Victor Crowley." Under this is a photograph of an old man with an ascot. WIDE Everybody excitedly crowds around and starts reading. A moment... and then their faces drop. Clearly, this is a disastrous review. Their faces get sadder, and sadder... and then they finish. A melancholy beat, until -- BUNNY What does that old queen know? He wasn't even there! (he knocks back a drink) Sending a copy boy to do his dirty work. Well fuck him! DOLORES Do I really have a face like a horse? PAUL MARCO What does "ostentatious" mean? Ed calmly waves his arms for attention. He tries to smile. ED Hey. Hey, it's not that bad. You just can't concentrate on the negative. He's got some nice things to say... (he scans the review) See, "The soldier costumes are very realistic." That's positive! Everyone kind of stares at their drinks, depressed. Ed launches into an upbeat speech. ED Hell, I've seen a lot worse reviews. I've seen ones where they didn't even like the costumes! Like, that last "Francis the Mule" picture -- it got terrible notices. But it was a huge hit. PAUL MARCO Lines around the block. ED So don't take it too seriously. We're all doin' great work. CONRAD You really think so? ED Absolutely! It's just the beginning. I promise this: If we stick together, one day I'll make every single one of you famous. He smiles at everyone at the table. They all believe what he says, and there is a hushed moment of dream-filled hope. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES' APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores lie in bed, in the dark. He stares vulnerably at her. ED Honey, what if I'm wrong? What if I just don't have it? DOLORES Ed, it was only one review. ED Orson Welles was 26 when he made "Citizen Kane." I'm already 30! DOLORES Ed, you're still young. This is the part of your life when you're supposed to be struggling. ED I know... But sometimes I get scared this is as good as it's gonna get... Dolores kisses Ed affectionately. DOLORES Things'll change for us. Nobody stays on the fringe forever. She gets out of bed. We see her tiny apartment is drab and crumbling. Dolores turns on the shower, then walks to the closet. She looks inside. DOLORES God, where's my pink sweater? I can never find my clothes anymore... ANGLE - ED He rolls over in bed, away from her. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY CU on Ed reading "The Hollywood Reporter." A RUDE BOSS in suspenders suddenly strides up. RUDE BOSS Hey big shot, get off your ass. They need a potted palm over in the Carl Laemmle Building. ED Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz. Ed jumps up. We WIDEN, revealing he's in a giant greenhouse, packed with rows of potted plants and shrubs. Ed grabs a small palm tree and hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed strolls across the busy movie lot, lugging the palm. He passes a soundstage and notices the stage door open a crack. Ed glances around, then puts down the palm and hurries in. INT. SOUNDSTAGE ó SAME TIME A big-budget foreign legion movie is shooting, with a huge cast and crew. A giant desert set has been erected, with camels and real sand dunes. Ed is blown away. ED Whoa, look at all this sand. This is real sand! My God, where'd they get all this sand?! A SECURITY GUARD sees him. SECURITY GUARD Hey, YOU. This is a closed set. Ed is caught. He hurries out. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO ó DAY Ed continues across the lot, carrying his palm tree. An OLD CRUSTY MAN sticks his head out an office window. OLD CRUSTY MAN Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got some great new stuff to show you. Ed puts down the plant again and runs in. INT. EDITING ROOMS ó DAY The old guy is proudly showing Ed STOCK FOOTAGE on a moviola. The footage is totally random: Giant explosions, buffalos stampeding, tanks, an octopus swimming, etc. Ed is dazzled. ED This is fantastic! What are you gonna do with it all? OLD CRUSTY MAN Eh, probably file it away and never see it again. ED It's such a waste. If I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie out of this stock footage! (getting inspired) See, the story opens with these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So the military is called in to solve the mystery. OLD CRUSTY MAN Ya forgot the octopus. ED No, I'm saving that for the big underwater climax! The old guy cackles. EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY Ed finally carries the tree into the Laemmle Building. INT. STUDIO OFFICES - SAME TIME Young SECRETARIES in June Cleaver hairdos are giggling. SECRETARY #1 They say he was a girl trapped in a man's body. SECRETARY #2 I'll bet it hurt when they snipped his thing off. EEWWW! All the girls shriek in horror. Ed walks in and puts down his plant. ED What are you ladies gabbin' about? SECRETARY #1 You know that Christine Jorgensen freak? He/she/it's in "Variety." Some producer is making a biopic. ED (startled) R-really? I didn't see the story. SECRETARY #1 Ah, it was buried in the back. The guy's a real smallótime operator. She holds up her "Variety." Ed hurriedly takes it. CUT TO: INSERT - VARIETY The story headline says "BOYóTOóCHICK FLICK TO CLICK." We PULL OUT, revealing we're now in INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY Ed holds the newspaper while he paces around his apartment. The place has threadbare carpet, faded wallpaper, and an electric burner for a kitchen. A handful of mangy DOGS run around. Tacked-up are movie posters for "DRACULA," "FREAKS," and "THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS." Dolores talks on the phone, while Ed silently coaches her. DOLORES (on phone) Yes, I've got Mr. Edward Wood on the line. Could you please hold? Ed gives her a thumbs up -- perfect! He confidently takes the phone. ED (on phone) Hello, Mr. Weiss? I heard about your new project and was curious if you signed a director. Oh -- you haven't? Well, if we could get together, I could explain why I'm more qualified to direct this than anyone else in town. (beat) Uh, I'd rather not go into it over the phone... Alright. Great! l'll see you then! Ed hangs up and YELPS excitedly. He kisses Dolores. She pulls away. DOLORES Eddie, I don't understand. Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen Story? ED (nervous, he lies) Aw, er, it's just a bunch of hot air. I had to say something to get in the door. CUT TO: INT. LOW-RENT HALLWAY - DAY Ed walks jauntily along, wearing a snappy suit. He reaches a door that says "SCREEN CLASSICS ó George Weiss, President." Ed fixes his hair, checks his clothes, then enters. INT. SCREEN CLASSICS ó SAME TIME It's a crowded root, piled with paperwork and files. Film cans are stacked everywhere, and framed oneósheets for "TEST TUBE BABIES," "BLONDE PICKUP" and "GIRL GANG" litter the cracked walls. Sitting behind the messy desk is GEORGIE WEISS, 60, a rug merchant turned exploitation film producer. He juggles a large sandwich and angrily barks into the phone. GEORGIE (on phone) Look, when I said you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all eleven states! I meant California, Oregon, and uh, what's that one above it... Washington. Oh really?! Well screw you! Georgie slams down the phone. He smiles warmly at Ed. GEORGIE Can I help you? ED Yes, I'm Ed Wood. I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture. GEORGIE Yeah, well a couple of things have changed. It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn "Variety" printed the story before I had the rights, and now that bitch is asking for the sky. ED (disappointed) So you're not gonna make the movie? GEORGIE No, of COURSE I'm gonna make the movie! I've already preósold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies really go for that twisted pervert stuff. So we'll just make it without that she-male. We'll fictitionalize it. Georgie bites into his sandwich. Ed is dazed. ED Is there a script? GEORGIE Fuck no! But there's a poster. Georgie pulls out artwork of a hermaphrodite: Man on the left side, woman on the right. The lettering screams, "I CHANGED MY SEX!" GEORGIE It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa. ED (mustering up his courage) Well, Mr. Weiss, I'm your guy. I work fast, and I'm a deal: I write AND direct. And I'm good. I just did a play in Hollywood, and Victor Crowley praised its realism. GEORGIE Hmm. There's five-hundred guys in town who can tell me the same thing. You said on the phone you had some kind of "special qualifications." Ed takes a measured piuse. This is his big revelation. ED Well, Mr. Weiss, I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you... but I really want this job. (he gulps) I like to dress in women's clothing. GEORGIE Are you a fruit? ED No, no, not at all! I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them. GEORGIE So you're not a fruit? ED Nah, I'm all man. I even fought in WW2. (beat) 'Course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments under my uniform. GEORGIE You gotta be kiddin' me. ED Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties. I'll tell ya, I wasn't scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded, and having the medics discover my secret. Georgie sits back. It's a hell of a story. GEORGIE And this is why you think you're the most qualified to make my movie? ED Yeah. I know what it's like to live with a secret, and worry about what people are gonna think of you... My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out. Georgie shrugs. GEORGIE Ed, you seem like a nice kid, but look around you... (he gestures at the posters) I don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories. I make movies like "Chained Girls." I need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days that'll make me a profit. (beat) I'm sorry. That's all that matters. CUT TO: INT. BAR ó DAY Ed sits morosely in a scuzzy bar, three empty shot glasses in front of him. A BARTENDER ambles over. BARTENDER Are you gonna get something else? Ed glumly empties his pocket. All he has is change. Ed sighs, and staggers out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, his head hanging low. A restaurant door opens, and an EISENHOWER ERA NUCLEAR FAMILY exits. Whitebread Dad, Mom, Son, and Daughter stride out in their starched clean clothes. They march obliviously past Ed. He watches them go, then continues. Ed reaches a building, "HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY," and glances in the window. A pause, then he does a doubletake. THROUGH THE WINDOW The showroom is filled with sample coffins. Lying inside one is BELA LUGOSI. ANGLE - ED He is flabbergasted. INT. HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY - SAME TIME Lugosi slowly sits up inside the coffin. Bela is an aged 70- year-old man, once a great star, now a faded memory trying to hang on to his nobility. Quite frail and tired, he is still a master of the grand gesture. An UNCTUOUS SALESMAN steps up. Bela speaks, in a thick Hungarian ACCENT which gives him an Old World elegance. BELA Too constrictive. This is the most uncomfortable coffin I have ever been in. SALESMAN Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I've never had any complaints before. BELA The selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time. Mildly annoyed, Bela climbs out. He straightens his cloak and walks to the exit -- where be bumps into nervous Ed. ED Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi?? BELA (irritated) I told you, I don't want any of your goddamn coffins. ED No. I don't work here. BELA Huh? Bela peers at Ed, then glances confusedly over his shoulder at the salesman. Oh. Bela looks back at anxious Ed. BELA Who are you? What do you want? ED I don't want anything. I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies. BELA Ha! Bela strides out. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - SAME TIME Bela hurries along. Ed chases after him. ED Why were you buying a coffin? BELA Because I'm planning on dying soon. ED (concerned) Really? BELA Yes. I'm embarking on another bus- andótruck tour of "Dracula." Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable. Bela pulls out a large smelly cigar and lights it. ED You know, I saw you perform "Dracula." In Poughkeepsie, in 1938. BELA Eh, that was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk! ED I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie. BELA Thank you. ED I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside. BELA I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge. A CITY BUS approaches. BELA Oh, there's my bus. (he checks his pockets) Shit, where's my transfer?! ED Don't you bave a car? BELA I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen. The bus pulls up, and the doors open. Ed is worried he's about to lose his new friend. He gets an idea... CUT TO: INT. 1948 NASH RAMBLER - DAY Ed drives anxiously. Bela sits next to him, filling the car with smoke from his big cigar. ED Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life. When is your next picture coming out? BELA I have no next picture. ED Ah, you gotta be jokin'! A great man like you... I'll bet you have dozens of 'em lined up. BELA Back in the old days, yes. But now -- no one give two fucks for Bela. Bela puffs on his oversized cigar. ED But you're a big star! BELA No more. I haven't worked in four years. This town, it chews you up, then spits you out. I'm just an ex-bogeyman. (he points) Make a right. EXT. BELA'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Ed drives past pumping oil wells and into a seedy neighborhood. They reach a tiny, well-manicured house. Ed and Bela get out. BELA (bitter) They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it's all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers -- who would believe such nonsense! ED The old ones were much spookier. They had castles, full moons... BELA They were mythic. They had a poetry to them. (he lowers his voice) And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters. ED The women? BELA The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror. ED I never thought of that. BELA Take my word for it. You want to "score" with a young lady, you take her to see "Dracula." Bela's eyes twinkle. He reaches his front door and unlocks it. INSIDE... it's awful. Squalid, dark, with skulls and strange voodoo objects scattered about. Up front hangs a large photograph of shockingly young Bela, handsome and regal. Ed is stunned by this dismal place, but doesn't say anything. Within, DOGS start BARKING crazily. BELA Ugh, what a mess. (beat) My wife of twenty years left me last month. I'm not much of a housekeeper. The dogs BARK louder. BELA Shh! I'm coming! I will feed you! ED Well... I guess I should go. Perhaps we could get together again? BELA (he shakes his hand) Certainly. But now the children of the night are calling me. Bela smiles and steps inside. The door closes. CUT TO: INT. DOLORES'S APARTMRNT - DAY Dolores is in her 1950's kitchenette, making a green jello mold. Ed bursts in, euphoric. ED Sweetie, you won't believe it! I've got the most incredible news! DOLORES (excited) You got the job?!! ED Huh?! (confused) Oh, uh, no, I didn't get the job. But something better happened! DOLORES Better than not getting a job? ED Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody really big! DOLORES Who? Robert Taylor?! ED (annoyed) No! A horror movie star! DOLORES Boris Karloff!? ED Close! The other one! DOLORES You met Basil Rathbone! ED Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA LUGOSI! DOLORES I thought he was dead. Ed's eyes pop. ED No! He's very alive. Well... sort of. He's old, and frail -- but he's still Bela Lugosi! And he's really nice. DOLORES Boy, I can't even remember the last time he was in a picture. ED It's a shame. He's such a rest actor, and nobody uses him anymore. DOLORES So did you get his autograph? Ed calms down. He smiles beatifically. ED No. It wasn't like that at all. It was just the two of us, and we were talkin'... and he treated me like -- a friend... CUT TO: INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY Ed is back in the plant department, arguing with his boss. RUDE BOSS He's a bum. ED No he's not! Do you realize how much money he made for this studio over the years? "Dracula"! "The Raven"! "The Black Cat"! RUDE BOSS Yeah? Well now he's a junkie. He don't deserve to work. ED That's not true -- RUDE BOSS He's so great, you hire him. ED (defensive) Well, uh, if I could I would... The guy takes a mocking face and struts out. Ed glares. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S ROUSE - NIGHT It's Halloween night. CHILDREN in trick-or-treating costumes parade up and down the streets. Through Bela's window, we see him and Ed watching TELEVISION -- a small fuzzy screen in a huge console. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME ON THE TV, one of Bela's old '30s horror films plays. Bela's evil character is hypnotizing somebody: His eyes stare the famous stare, then his hand does the famous hypnotic gesture. ON ED AND BELA They are entranced. The men drink beers in silence. Bela's TWO DOGS lie at his feet. ON THE TV The old movie suddenly stops, and VAMPIRA appears on the TV screen. Vampira, 25, is the sexy "Creature Feature" hostess, a pale ghoul slipped into a tight black dress. She leers in front of a corny fog-shrouded set. There is a pumpkin, a broomstick, and a sign reading "Happy Halloween." VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! Those eyes! He gives me the willies! The only thing scarier than him is this guy I dated last week: Charlie from Pittsburgh. Boy, talk about the living dead... ON THE MEN Ed is disgruntled. ED Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts the pictures. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect. BELA (glued to the TV) I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs. Ed LAUGHS. Bela waves his arm and starts doing his hypnotic hand gesture at the TV. BELA Vampira! You will come under my spell! You will be my slave of love. ED (fascinated by Bela's hand) Hey Bela, how do you do that? BELA You must be double-jointed, and you must be Hungarian. (back at the TV) Vampira, look at me! Stare into my eyes. Ed joins Bela in this activity. The two of them wave their arms spookily at the TV. Bela becomes fatigued. BELA I am getting tired. I need to take my medicine. ED Do you want me to get it for you? BELA No thank you, Eddie. I'll be alright. Bela smiles. He gets up, shuffles across the room, and steps behind a curtain. Ed is puzzled. Bela's thin arm appears and draws the curtain tight. We hear mysterious CLANGING, drawers opening and closing, and then silence. Ed sits, waiting. Behind the curtain, something DROPS. We hear a muffled "Shit!" Ed is getting worried. But then the curtain whips open, and Bela bounds out, grinning. He's a bundle of energy. BELA I feel better now. AT THE DOOR The doorbell RINGS. Kids SHOUT "Trick or treat!" Bela jumps up gleefully. BELA Children! I love children. Bela puts on his famous cape, then gets a pair of fangs and sticks them in his mouth. OUTSIDE Little kids in Lone Ranger and Howdy Doody costumes giggle expectantly. Suddenly the door flies open, and standing there is Count Dracula! The real Count Dracula. YEOWWWW!!! The kids SCREAM and run. Bela chuckles. Every kid is gone... except one TOUGH BOY. BELA Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood! TOUGH BOY Ehh, you're not a real vampire. You can't turn into a bat, and those teeth don't frighten me. Suddenly Ed lurches out, menacingly. ED Well how about these teeth?!! Ed RIPS HIS TEETH out of his head and thrusts them at the kid. The boy SCREAMS in terror and races away. Bela is wowed. BELA Hey, how'd you do that? Ed smiles impishly, then sticks the teeth back in his mouth. ED Dentures. I lost my pearlies in the war. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and Bela run toward us, Bela's cape flapping in the wind. Ed takes a swig from Bela's flask. They're a bit tipsy. ED Are you sure this is okay? BELA Don't worry. I do it every Halloween. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT The moonlight shines down on a rickety old cemetery. The wind blows hauntingly, and tombstones gleam in the blackness. Ed and Bela reach the locked gates. They glance at each other, then start to climb over. Ed helps Bela. They jump down, and Ed peers nervously. ED Now what? Bela looks like a child on Christmas morning. He takes another swig, then starts running giddily. He disappears into the cemetery. BELA I am DRACULA! Bela darts happily through the graves. His cape flies behind him. BELA I am the BAT!! Ed's eyes light up. He starts chasing after Bela. Bela's heart is racing. He zig-zags past ancient crypts. Gargoyles peer down. The wind howls through the skeletal trees, silhouetted against the cloudy sky. Ed runs through the shadows, trying to catch up. Bela flaps his cape up and down. We almost think he's going to fly. Ed races up, then quietly stops. He eagerly watches Bela, practically expecting him to turn into a bat. It's a magical, crazed moment. BELA I am DRACUlA! I will LIVE FOREVER!!! Bela laughs, then lies down on the grass. WIDE Ed slowly walks over and lies next to Bela. They're happy, eyes alert, on top of the world. Ed peers in wonder at his new friend. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS OFFICE - DAY Ed sits across from Georgie. Ed's very excited. GEORGIE So what's the big news you couldn't tell me over the phone... again? Ed gulps excitedly. He has a spiel all planned out. ED Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin' about what you said, about how all your movies have to make a profit. And I realized, what's the one thing, that if you put in a movie, it'll be successful?? GEORGIE (he thinks) Tits. ED No. Better than tits -- a star! Georgie shakes his head. GEORGIE Eddie, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures. I make crap. ED Yeah, but if you took that crap and put a star in it, you'd have something! GEORGIE Yeah. Crap with a star. ED (impassioned) No! It would be something better! Something impressive. The biggest moneymaker you've ever had! GEORGIE Fine, maybe you're right. But it doesn't friggin' matter. I can't afford a star, so I don't even know what we're talking about. Ed grins. ED What if I told you you could have a star for $1000?? GEORGIE (skeptical) Who? Ed opens his valise and whips out an 8x10 GLOSSY OF BELA. GEORGIE Lugosi? ED Yeah! Lugosi! GEORGIE Isn't he dead? ED (annoyed) No, he's not dead! He lives in Baldwin Hills. I met him recently, and he wants to be in our picture. GEORGIE OUR picture? ED (sheepishly) Uh, yeah. Our picture. Georgie mulls this over. He's interested. GEORGIE Why would Lugosi want to be in a sex-change flick? ED Because he's my friend. Georgie stares carefully at Ed, then finally smiles. GEORGIE Alright, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days, and we start shooting a week from Monday. ANGLE - ED He leaps up euphorically. He eagerly pumps Georgie's hand. ED Thank you! Bless you, Mr. Weiss! I promise I won't let you down! CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY CU on a ROYAL TYPEWRITER. Ed's hands whirl across the portable typewriter, frantically feeding in pages as fast as be can type. We PULL OUT. Ed sits on the bed, typing. He's a blur of activity, juggling a cigarette, coffee, and a telephone, while he writes. ED (on phone) But Bunny, you're perfect for this job! You're so good at organizing. His adrenalin is pumping. Ed pours some booze into his coffee. ED You know these people. I need all the transsexuals and transvestites you can get. (he sucks on his cigarette) No, I don't care if they're not actors. I want realism. I want this film to tell the truth! I've waited my whole life for this shot, and I'm not gonna blow it. There's a KNOCK at the door. Ed carries the phone on a long cord and answers it. Bela hurries in, smiling broadly. BELA Eddie, you got a new movie for me?! ED Yeah, it's gonna be a great picture! You'll love your character! (back into the phone) Bunny, Bela's here. Look, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites! Ed hangs up and resumes typing. Bela is puzzled. BELA Eddie, what kind of movie is this? ED Well, It's about how people have two personalities. The side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside. BELA (delighted) Oh, like Jekyll and Hyde! Ah, I've always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde! I'm looking forward to this production. Ed stops typing. He pours Bela a drink. ED Ehh, your part's a little different. You're like the God that looks down on all the characters, and oversees everything. BELA I don't understand. ED Well... you control everyone's fate. You're like the puppetmaster. BELA (getting it) Ah, so I pull the strings! ED Yeah. You pull the strings -- (he suddenly gets a look) "Pull the strings"... hey, that's pretty good! Ed quickly starts typing again. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed and Dolores sit at a card table, finishing up dinner. The dogs eat scraps below them. ED Wipe off your hands. I've got a little surprise for you... (he smiles nervously) I finished my script. Ed anxiously pulls out a pile of pages. Dolores looks in awe at the cover: "'GLEN OR GLENDA' By Edward D. Wood, Jr"" DOLORES Ed, I'm so proud! I'll read it as soon as I get home. ED (apprehensive) Well, I'd really like to know what you think. Why don't you go in the bedroom and take a look at it? I'll Wait... There's an uneasy moment between them. She senses something funny. Dolores takes the script and goes into the bedroom. The door closes. Ed starts pacing... DISSOLVE TO: INT. BEDROOM - LATER Dolores reads the script. She finishes the last page, then looks up. She is very shaken. Dolores stands. She grabs the door and opens it. THROUGH THE DOORWAY Ed stands somberly in drag. He's in a pantsuit, heels, and pink angora sweater. Dolores is totally rattled. She struggles for a response. DOLORES So that's where my sweater's been. Ed silently nods. DOLORES How long have you been doing this? ED Since I was a kid. My mom wanted a girl, so she used to dress me in girlie clothing. It just kinda became a habit. DOLORES Jesus Christ! And you never told me? ED This is my way of telling you -- DOLORES (furious) What, by putting it in a fuckin' script, for everyone to see?! What kind of sick mind would operate like that? Ed is terribly hurt. Dolores shakes tht script. DOLORES And what about this so-called "Barbara" character? It's obviously ME! I'm so embarrassed! This is our life! ED (quiet) Of course it is. And that's why you should play the part. DOLORES Oh! You got nerve, buddy. He calmly points at the script. ED It's a damn good role. DOLORES That's not the issue!! (she suddenly stops) Ugh! How can you act so casual, when you're dressed like that?! ED It takes me comfortable. DOLORES Oh, just like in the script! Ed smiles serenely. ED Exactly. (he takes her hand) So what do ya say? Do you wanna break up... or do you wanna do the movie with me? Dolores sighs. CUT TO: INT. SCREEN CLASSICS - DAY The hallway is filled with eager TRANSVESTITES. It's a very festive atmosphere, and Bunny tries to create some order. Inside the busy office, Paul types, and Conrad cranks a mimeograph machine. CONRAD It's good to have a job. Now I can get my phone reconnected. In a corner, Georgie angrily waves the script at Ed. GEORGIE I thought this was gonna be a sex- change film! ED (defensive) There's still a sex-change -- GEORGIE Yeah! Five pages right before it ends! The rest of the show is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters. ED I don't think he's a schmuck. GEORGIE And what's with this new title?! My poster says "I CHANGED MY SEX"! ED So change the poster. Trust me, you'll be better off. This is a story that's gonna grab people. (he goes into a pitch) It's about this guy. He's crazy about this girl but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn. George, this is DRAMA. Georgie throws up his hands GEORGIE Fine, shoot whatever baloney you want! I give up. Just make sure it's seven reels long. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING We are on location for Ed's first film! A SMALL CREW of a dozen unpacks the camera and reflectors from their cars. Ed's voice rises above the hubbub. ED (O.S.) Excuse me, could I have everyone's attention?! Could you gather around? I've got something to say. The crew members put down their things and gather in a circle. In the middle, we reveal Ed, in complete drag. Dress, nylons, pumps, lovely blonde wig... he's quite a sight. Like an eager Scoutmaster, he addresses his troops. ED Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey. Four days of hard work... but when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten, and maybe even move millions of people. A COUPLE GRIPS glance at each other. ED Now the only way we're gonna achieve all this is if we stay on schedule. Day one -- TODAY -- we'll start easy. We have eighteen silent scenes that can be shot quickly: Cars parking, Patrick's suicide, me strolling as a man, me strolling as a woman, etc. (beat) After lunch, we'll bring in the Inspector and the Doctor. The Doctor is very important to the plot, so we might have to spend time on retakes. But it's worth it. Scene totals for the first day is thirty-four. (he catches a breath) Day Two, we'll be a little busier -- Veteran CAMERAMAN BILL, an old guy with thick glasses, speaks. CAMERAMAN BILL Excuse me Eddie, I don't mean to interrupt... but I'm gettin' a little worried about those clouds. He points up. Everybody looks at the sky. The clouds are gray. Ed nods in agreement. ED Good thinkin'. We'll talk about Days Three and Four later. Now let's get that first shot off! It's Scene 17, Glenda looking in the window. THE CREW disperses. Ed quickly runs in his heels over to the burly make-up man, HARRY. ED Okay, do I need any touch-up? MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm telling ya, eyelashes are the way to go. ED (irritated) Harry, we've discussed this a million times. I don't want to look like a girl. I want to look like myself. MAKE-UP MAN MARRY (disgruntled) Fine. Then you look beautiful. Harry humorlessly powders Ed's nose. Ed turns away and suddenly SHOUTS into a giant megaphone. ED PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA! CAMERAMAN BILL (nonchalant) Rolling. WIDE Ed chucks the megaphone and runs crazily past the camera and behind a building. ED'S VOICE And -- ACTION! A pause, and then Ed, in character as Glenda, calm and dignified, steps out and walks down the sidewalk. Ed stops at a store window. He's totally in shadow. A grip grimaces. He TURNS ON a light Ed lights up. He looks in the window, admires a dress on display, then silently walks out of frame. A beat. Ed SCREAMS. ED And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET'S MOVE ON! CAMERAMAN BILL Don't you want a second take, for protection? ED (exhilarated) What's to protect? It was perfect! Suddenly a police car turns the corner. CREW MEMBER Cops! ED We don't have a permit. RUN! Everyone grabs equipment and takes off. WIPE TO: INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS - DAY The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela's set: A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is perched high in his director's chair, back in men's clothes. ED The set doesn't look right! It looks too... empty. Clutter it up. Put a skeleton in the corner. And what's that thing over there? PAUL MARCO I don't know. ED Well it looks good. Let's use it! Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script. GEORGIE Ed! What's with these revised pages?! A scene in a smelting factory? A buffalo stampede?? Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio Beach??! What's going on here? I can't afford to film this nonsense! ED Don't worry. We're not gonna film any of it. GEORGIE Then how's it gonna get in the picture?! ED I know a guy in Universal's stock house -- he's giving me the footage for free. This movie's gonna look like a million bucks. Georgie nods. Oh, okay. O.S. VOICE Mr. Lugosi has arrived! Ed jumps excitedly. ED Oh my God! (he YELLS) Mr. Lugosi is here! Now everyone, when he walks on the stage (nobody is listening; so Ed uses his MEGAPHONE) Now everyone, when he walks on the stage, treat him normal. I know Bela Lugosi is a world-famous star, and you're all a little excited, but we're professionals. So if you treat him with respect, everything will be alright. AT THE STAGE DOOR The door swings open, and Bela strides in, looking dapper. He glances at the teensy stage, and his face falls imperceptibly. Ed runs up, bounding with enthusiasm. ED Bela! It's so great to see you! (he glances at his watch) And eight o'clock on the dot. Right on time! BELA I am always on time. ED Of course! Well, we got a big day planned for you... First, we're gonna start off a little easy, with you in that armchair over there. Then, once you're up to speed and cooking, we'll reset and bring out the laboratory equipment -- BELA (he leans in and WHISPERS) Uh, Eddie, do you have my money? ED Huh?! Oh yeah, of course. Ed and Bela step over to a corner. ACROSS THE ROOM From a distance, Ed pulls a wad of money from his pocket and peels off a few bills for Bela. The crew watches, fascinated. WIPE TO: LATER Bela is seated in the ratty armchair on the set. Harry does his make-up. Harry glances at Bela's arm, and it is full of TRACK MARKS. Harry grimaces, but doesn't say anything. Conrad eagerly scurries up. CONRAD Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy, but could I have your autograph? BELA (cordial) Of course. Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it. CONRAD You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray." You were great as Karloff's sidekick. Bela's face suddenly hardens. He snaps. BELA "Sidekick"?? "KARLOFF"?!! Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph. BELA Fuck you!! Karloff doesn't deserve to smell my shit! That limey cocksucker can rot in hell, for all I care!!! WIDE Ed panickedly runs up. ED What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what did you do? CONRAD (upset, close to crying) Nothin'! I told him he was great. BELA How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?!! You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?! NO! It's just make-up and grunting! GRRR! GRRR! GRRR! Ed is frozen in fear. He glances across the stage. Georgie is flabbergasted. He points urgently at his watch. Ed nods. He motions to Conrad: Get out of here. Conrad runs away. Ed leans in to Bela. ED You're right, Bela. Now Dracula, that's a part that takes acting. BELA Of course! Dracula requires presence. It's all in the voice, and the eyes, and the hand -- Bela waves his outstretched arm. Ed tries to calm him. ED Look, you seem a little agitated. Do you maybe wanna take a little break, go for a nice walk... and then we'll come back and shoot the scene? BELA BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the camera!! The crew is baffled. Ed shrugs at them. ED Um, okay... roll camera CAMERAMAN BILL (unsure) Rolling. ED Sound! SOUNDMAN Speed. CAMERA ASSISTANT Mark. Scene Thirty-One. The Assistant CLAPS the slate in front of Bela, then runs. ED And... action? It's dead quiet. Nobody knows what's about to happen. WE MOVE IN TO BELA. And... he suddenly assumes character. Like the consumate pro he is. Bela gets a wicked, sinister leer, then starts intoning threateningly: BELA (as the SPIRIT) "Beware. Beware! Beware, of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys! Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails! Beware. Take care. Beware!" CLOSEUP - ED He is blown away. He quietly mumbles in amazement. ED Brilliant. WIPE TO: INT. STAGE - NEXT DAY Dolores studies her script, as the crew lights a flimsy kitchen set. Ed strolls past, nonchalantly removing a ladies' wig and earrings. She stares in disbelief. DOLORES How can you just walk around like that, in front of all these people? ED Hon', nobody's bothered but you. (he gestures) Look around -- they couldn't care less. DOLORES Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with WEIRDOS! ED Say it a little louder. I don't think Bela heard you in his trailer. Dolores quiets down. She feels bad. ED Dolores. I need your help... WIPE TO: FILMING IN PROGRESS - LATER A scene is being shot, on camera. Ed (as Glen) and Dolores (as Barbara) stare into each other's eyes. He's dressed normal, and she wears a fuzzy angora sweater. ED (as GLEN) "My mind's in a muddle. I thought I could stop wearing these things. I tried, honestly I tried..." DOLORES (as BARBARA) (tentative) "Glen, I don't fully understand this. But maybe together -- we can work it out." She stands up, dramatically takes off her angora sweater, and gives it to Ed. He holds it meaningfully, then smiles proudly. ED Music swells... and CUT and PRINT IT! Ed and Dolores hug. CUT TO: INT. EDITING ROOM - DAY On a MOVIOLA, we see the black-and-white image of Dolores taking off her angora and giving it to Ed. WE PULL OUT. Ed and Georgie are hunched over, watching the movie. Ed smiles proudly. ED And we fade out. "The End." (the film runs out) What do you think? Georgie peers at his watch. He shakes his bead. GEORGIE I think it's fifty-seven minutes long. ED Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it? GEORGIE (like a lecturing teacher) Ed, what was the one thing I asked you to do? Make it seven reels long. I've got contracts with my exhibitors. If it ain't over an hour, they won't play it. ED Gee, I used every frame of film we shot. Maybe they won't notice. GEORGIE They'll notice. (beat) Look, why don't you let me take over from here? I can do a few tricks: Pad it out with more stock footage, add establishing shots... ED Um, I guess -- GEORGIE Good. And one more thing. I think your "Written, Directed, and Starring Ed Wood" credit is a bad idea. ED Why?! I did all those things! Hell, I even built the props. GEORGIE And you did a bang-up job, too. But you don't want other producers to know that's you in drag. Trust me. It's a career killer. Ed is quite upset. ED But I'm proud. I wrote, directed, and starred in it just like Orson Welles in "Citizen Kane"! GEORGIE Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he??! Ed is beaten. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT It's the cast and crew screening! The eager two-dozen people are packed into a tiny screening room. The lights dim, and the movie starts. A LIBRARY MUSIC fanfare, and then: "Bela Lugosi in GLEN OR GLENDA" Everyone APPLAUDS excitedly. Bela smiles. Credits continue: "Featuring Daniel Davis and Dolores Fuller" The audience is audibly baffled. Bunny BLURTS out. BUNNY Daniel Who?! Dolores leans in to Ed. DOLORES Ed, who is Daniel Davis? ED (sour) Some weirdo who likes to wear dresses. DISSOLVE TO: LATER IN THE MOVIE ON-SCREEN, Dolores looks tenderly at Ed. DOLORES (on screen) "Glen. Is it another woman?" Ed as Glen nervously ponders his response. But suddenly -- MUSIC THUNDERS in. The movie cuts to buffalo stampeding. Bela's angry face is superimposed over this. BELA (on screen) "Pull the string! Pull the string!" IN THE AUDIENCE People are impressed by this technique. Bela nods in approval. ON-SCREEN Out of nowhere, CHEAP JAZZ MUSIC starts, and the movie abruptly cuts to SLEAZY STAG PARTY-STYLE FOOTAGE! A bare-chested man whips a bound woman! A woman dominates another tied to a large stick! A brunette violently rips off her dress and does a hoochie-coochie dance! IN THE AUDIENCE The crowd is stunned. CAMERAMAN BILL I didn't shoot that! Ed looks back at Georgie, who's wearing a big satisfied grin. ED Georgie, what's with the stag footage?? You said you were cutting in establishing shots! GEORGIE I did. I established some tits and ass. Ed rolls his eyes. He turns back to the movie. INT. PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT Everybody is CELEBRATING, with a raucous party. People are boozing it up. BIG BAND MUSIC plays. Ed dances with Dolores. Paul smokes a joint. Conrad falls over a table and breaks a lamp. Bela dances happily with a cute young REDHEAD. BELA Wasn't I something..? Did you see how I command the screen?! Ed's giddy buddies stumble over with foaming glasses of beer. BUNNY Ed, it was superb. CONRAD A great show! A little strange... but great -- especially my scenes. ED Just like I always promised. Now you're among the immortals. You're movie stars. PAUL MARCO (he raises his glass) Here's to Ed. For making us into something. It's a warm moment. They all CLINK their glasses. Dolores kisses Ed. CUT TO: EXT. BUNGALOW HOUSE - DAY We're outside a cute little Spanish bungalow house. Ed and Dolores are moving in. They lug furniture from a rented truck. ED From today on, our lives are different! We'll be swimming laps in the same pool Jean Harlow did. DOLORES I don't know. It's so much money... ED Who cares?! We're on a ROLL! These are the moments in life you're supposed to grab. DOLORES But Ed, we're not even married. And you don't have a job. ED But you do! And anyway, I've got tons of new scripts. And now that I have a track record, studios are bound to hire me! She just stares. Ed shrugs, semi-reassuringly. ED Look on the bright side. If we miss the rent, what's the worst they can do? DOLORES Toss us out on our ass. ED Exactly. INT. BUNGALOW - DAY The house is moved in. Ed's unkempt dogs run about. Pumped-up Ed sits on the bed typing fiendishly fast while wearing an angora sweater. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and a bottle of booze lays in his lap. Bela sits quietly nearby. ED How 'bout a western? People love westerns. BELA But, I don't like horses. Do I have to get on one? ED Eh, forget it. What else is big? (his face lights up) Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah... You got the juvenile delinquent, his girlfriend from the wrong side of the tracks -- BELA Who do I play? ED Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father. He's angry! He doesn't like seeing his son -- no -- he doesn't like seeing his daughter behave this way! BELA (cautious, not to offend) Well... can't I play the romantic part? I'm tired of always being the bad guy. You know, back in Hungary, I played Romeo! I would like to be the lover again -- me, in a boat, with the girl... Ed considers this. ED Sure. Romance, that's great! To engineer your comeback, we're gonna need a whole slate of pictures. Once "Glen Or Glenda" takes off, we'll slam you into one, then another, then another! BELA (he smiles) That's good. I could use the money. ED But we need to start off with a bang! Something we know the audience will want to see. Mmm. What was your biggest hit? BELA (he thinks) Hmm... my biggest hit? That would probably be "Dracula." ED Of course! Ed crabs a pen and excitedly scrawls out the word "DRACULA." Bela frowns. BELA Those bastards at Universal. I made so much money for them, and now I can't get the time of day. ED So let's make another "Dracula." Let's make "The Return of Dracula"! BELA We can't. Those sons-a-bitches control the rights. ED They do? Shoot. There must be a way to get around that... Ed's mind is working. He holds out the paper and stares at it. Suddenly, he grins. He grabs the pen and makes a period after the "DR." It now says "DR.ACULA" ED Ha-ha! Dr. Acula! BELA Dracula? ED No! Doctor Acula! You can still wear the cape, have the fangs... but you're a doctor! Not a count. BELA Ah! This is very exciting. ED (inspired) I gotta type this up, while it's still fresh! Ed rips the paper from his typewriter, puts in a blank page, and starts typing. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - DAY We're outside the imposing gates of MGM. The lion logo is overhead. Ed drives up in his dirty Nash Rambler convertible. He wears his nicest suit. Ed peers nervously at the GUARD. ED Excuse me, I'm here to see Mr. Feldman. The Guard stares suspiciously at Ed. His filthy car is leaking oil. GUARD What's your name? ED Edward D. Wood, Junior. The man frowns. He looks through his files -- then finds a parking slip with Ed's name. He is surprised. GUARD Oh. Eh, he's in the Executive Building. You can park in the reserved section. Ed smiles. INT. EXECUTIVE WAITING ROOM - DAY The room is very posh, with fancy paneling and marble floors. Ed sits nervously under posters for "GRAND HOTEL" and "QUO VADIS." Film cans labled "Glen Or Glenda" rest in his lap. SECRETARY Sir, Mr. Feldman will see you now. She hits an electric button. A large oak door swings open. INT. OFFICE Behind a giant desk is MR. FELDMAN, a glib, thin over- caffeinated man. He jumps up, smiling. MR. FELDMAN Mr. Ward, it's a delight to meet you. ED (shaking his hand) It's Wood. Ed Wood. MR. FELDMAN Wood? Ward? Wood. (puzzled, he glances at his appointment book) Hey, what do you know. It is Wood. Dang secretaries, you can never get a good one. Right? Ed shrugs. Feldman grins. MR. FELDMAN So what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have resumes to show. I've got my own movie. MR. FELDMAN Really?! Well good for you. ED I just made this picture, over at Screen Classics. It opens next week. MR. FELDMAN Screen Classics? Hmm, don't know them. ED Nobody in town has seen it, so I'm givin' you first crack at my talents. MR. FELDMAN I can't wait to take a look. (he claps his hands) So what's up next? Ed leans in. ED Well, Mr. Feldman, I don't believe in thinking small. So I've got a whole slate of pictures for you: "The Vampire's Tomb," "The Ghoul Goes West"... and "Doctor Acula"! MR. FELDMAN Doctor Acula? I don't get it. ED Dr. Acula! Ed writes it out, "DR. ACULA," then waves it in Feldman's face. Feldman nods. MR. FELDMAN Oh, "Dr. Acula." I get it. (beat) I don't like it. ED But Bela Lugosi's in it! MR. FELDMAN Lugosi's washed-up. What else you got? Ed grimaces. Lugosi was 90% of his pitch. He vamps. ED Well... I've got another project I wasn't gonna tell you about. Lugosi's in it, but he's got a smaller part. The lead is an ingenue, a sterling young actress named Dolores Fuller. The title is "Bride Of The Atom." MR. FELDMAN Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like it. (he smiles) I'll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don't you leave those film cans, and my associates and I will take a look at your little opus. Maybe we can do business together. Ed is elated. INT. STUDIO SCREENING ROOM - DAY Feldman and his fellow SMARMY EXECUTIVES sit in a plush screening room. They are viewing "Glen Or Glenda." ON-SCREEN, Ed is in drag. A SOLEMN NARRATOR within the movie speaks: SOLEMN NARRATOR (V.O.) "Give this man satin undies, a dress, and a sweater... and he's the happiest man in the world. He can work better, think better, even play better -- and be more of a credit to his community and his government." ANGLE ON THE EXECUTIVES They are stupefied. Yikes! EXECUTIVE #1 What the hell is this?! EXECUTIVE #2 Is this an actual movie?! EXECUTIVE #1 It can't be. EXECUTIVE #2 It's fuckin' ridiculous! Feldman squints at the screen. FELDMAN Wait a minute. That guy in the dress -- he's the one I met with today! This must be a big PUT-ON! (he CHUCKLES) It's probably another one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes! Everybody suddenly starts HOWLING with laughter. CUT TO: EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY Ed zooms up and chipperly jumps from his car. He buys a "Los Angeles Herald-Express," eagerly opens it to the entertainment pages... and then gets a confused look. Ed quickly starts rifling through the pages -- something is wrong. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed angrily shouts into the phone. ED Georgie, what happened?! I thought "Glen Or Glenda" was opening next week! Where's the ads? An OLD-FASHIONED SPLIT SCREEN of Georgie on the phone appears. GEORGIE (pissed-off) "Where's the ads"?! The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You schmuck, it ain't gonna play L.A.! ED Why not?? GEORGIE Because I can't sell it to save my life! You made a goddamn feathered fish. Is it an art film, a horror show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows! I'm beggin' people to book it. ED (insulted) Maybe it needs special handling. GEORGIE Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more money into different titles: "Transvestite" "He Or She?" "I Led Two Lives"... It DOESN'T MATTER! Nobody wants to see the piece of shit. ED You can't talk that way about my movie. GEORGIE "Your movie"?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever made into this stinkbomb. If I ever see you again, I'll kill you!!! Georgie SLAMS down the phone. His split screen WIPES off, leaving Ed standing alone. Ed stares at the phone, then quietly hangs it up. CUT TO: INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM - NIGHT WHAM! A WRESTLER throws another WRESTLER at the mat. The crowd CHEERS raucously. We're at the Saturday Night Wrestling Matches! In the stands are Ed, Dolores, Bunny, and Bunny's new YOUNG MALE "FRIEND." Seated around them are hollering truckers and ex-Marines. Bunny giggles and nudges gloomy Ed. BUNNY So guess where I'm going next weekend? ED I don't know. Where? BUNNY Mexico! And guess what I'm going to do there?! ED (not enjoying this game) I dunno. Lie on the beach? BUNNY WRONG! I'm getting my first series of hormone shots! And once those babies kick in, they're gonna remove my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN! Ed is astonished. ED Jesus! Are you serious? BUNNY Yes! I've dreamed of it for years, but your movie made me realize I've got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS! The truckers nearby stare. Dolores covers her face. DOLORES Ssh! Will you keep it down? The crowd suddenly ROARS and jumps up. A favorite wrestler has entered the ring, massive TOR JOHNSON, 50. Tor is an incredible sight: A bald, lumbering behemoth. RING ANNOUNCER (amplified) Now entering the ring, in the gold trunks, 350 bone-crunching pounds of pure strength, the "Swedish Angel"... Tor Johnson!!! The crowd goes apeshit. The stands are going to collapse from the SHOUTING. Ed's eyes are the size of saucers. ED My God, look at that guy. He's a mountain! The bell RINGS. Tor quickly grabs his OPPONENT, a man in a blue mask, and throws him at the ground. Then Tor jumps onto his stomach, easily picks him up, and heaves him at the ropes. People CHEER. Ed is flabbergasted. ED I've never seen anything like him! BUNNY And once I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and I are getting married -- ED (eyes glued to the ring) Ssh! He's so big! He's a monster! Can you imagine what that guy would be like in a movie? ON TOR He screams maniacally in Swedish. Tor lifts the Opponent over his head and tosses him into the stands. Three rows of chairs get knocked over. CUT TO: EXT. WRESTLER'S BAR - NIGHT A tiny miniature European car pulls up. Tor Johnson is squeezed inside -- ludicrously oversized for this vehicle. Tor carefully wedges himself out and enters the bar. INT. WRESTLER'S BAR - SAME TIME This rowdy bar is packed with burly WRESTLERS. Tor walks in, and men cheerily yell out: "Hey, Tor!" "Hi, Tor!" Tor grins. In person, he actually seems a jolly, outgoing fellow. Ed waves from the corner ED Mr. Johnson, over here! Tor smiles and lumbers over ED Glad you could fit me in your schedule. TOR (in a hoarse SWEDISH ACCENT) Da pleasure be mine. They shake hands. Ed's hands look like a baby's in Tor's giant mitts. Tor tries to sit in the booth. But he can't fit. TOR Could we moovf to table? ED Oh, of course! Ed jumps up. They move to a large table. Now Tor is happy. He starts shoveling beer nuts into his mouth. ED So, Mr. Johnson -- TOR Tor! ED Tor. Have you ever thought about becoming an actor? TOR (he CHUCKLES) Mm, not good-lookink enough. ED I think you're quite handsome. TOR No. With hair, yah. But I must shave head for wrestlink. It scare da crowds. Dey like that. Ed smiles. ED Well, I think you'd be a sensation in pictures. TOR But what bout accent? Some people tink I haf too much accent. ED Nah, that doesn't matter! It's a visual medium. A WAITRESS saunters over. WAITRESS Tor, what can I get ya? TOR I'll haf eight beers. WAITRESS (nonchalant, to Ed) And you? ED Uhh, I'll have just one. She walks off. Tor shakes the now-empty nut bowl. TOR And more nuts! Ed tries to grab Tor's attention. ED So anyway, I've got this new script, "Bride Of The Atom," and there's a part you're ideal for: "Lobo." He's tough. A brute. But he has a heart -- and at the end he saves the girl. TOR (he laughs merrily) I like. When do movie shoot? ED Hopefully, very soon. I'm just awaiting the final okay from Mr. Feldman at MGM. CUT TO: INT. ED'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Ed and Dolores are asleep. Suddenly the phone RINGS. Ed fumbles for it and groggily answers. ED Wood Productions... We hear Bela's weak VOICE. BELA (on phone) Eddie... help me... ED Bela? BELA (on phone) Eddie... please come over -- CLICK. The phone hangs up. Ed is very alarmed. EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT The wind is blowing. Ed's Nash roars up, and he jumps out, a coat over his pajamas. He runs up and POUNDS on Bela's door. ED Bela?! Ed tries the door. It's unlocked. INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps into the dark room, and is stunned by what he sees: Bela is slumped on the floor, pasty white, eyes glazed. A rubber tube is tied on his arm, and a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE lies next to him. The dogs crouch behind him, whimpering, despondent, Bela looks up through half-opened eyes. BELA Eddie... my friend. Aghast, Ed runs over. ED Bela, what happened?! BELA I didn't feel well... ED Let me take you to the hospital. BELA No hospital. Just take me to the couch... Ed nods. He picks up the old man and carries him across the room to the couch. The large portrait of Bela, young and robust, peers down. ED Should I call a doctor? BELA Nah. This happens all the time... Ed puts a pillow under Bela's head. ED Is there anything I can get you? Water? A blanket? BELA Goulash. ED (distressed) I don't know how to make goulash. Ed sits next to him. An awkward pause. ED What's in the needle? BELA Morphine, with a demerol chaser. (he starts crying) Eddie, I'm so broke. I don't know what I'm gonna do... ED Don't worry. I'll do something. CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - MORNING Ed stands outside MGM, talking into a phone at the guard gate. ED (on phone) Mr. Feldman! I haven't been able to get through, so I just showed up. Yeah, out front! So, are we gonna be working together? (his face slowly falls) Really? Worst film you ever saw...? (beat) Well, my next one will be better. (beat) Hello? INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Dolores tries to cheer up gloomy Ed. He's wearing angora. ED I'm no good. DOLORES Ed, it's just one man's opinion! ED Bela needs a job... I can't even get a film going... (listless) But of course I can't -- I made the worst movie of all time. DOLORES That's ridiculous. Ed sighs. ED All I wanna do is tell stories. The things I find interesting... DOLORES Well maybe you're not studio kind of material. Maybe you just need to raise the money yourself. Ed looks up. INT. BANK - DAY Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER. ED The movie is called "Bride Of The Atom"... INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - DAY Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats. ED ...It will star Bela Lugosi. Each of you would put up $20,000... EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone. ED Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi. He's still alive. (beat) Huh? Is he available Friday night? Gee, I suppose so... Why? cut TO: INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT We're backstage at a '5Os variety show. It's exciting live TV: Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of hyped-up tumult. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They both read off SCRIPTS. BELA "Greetings. I am the Count." ED "Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure." Audience laughs. Applause. "Say, that's a funny place to sleep." BELA "It is my home." ED "Oh, tract housing, huh?" Laugh. "You need a new real estate agent." BELA "Beg to differ. This casket incarpratates, er, inporporates --" Ed interrupts. ED No Bela, that's "incorporates." Look, just say "This casket has..." BELA (upset) Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue? This live television is madness! An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in. ASSISTANT Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi. INT. BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and a turban and is acting mysterious. HOST And then what's gonna happen? CRISWELL In 1960, the automobile will have retractable wings, so it can fly. HOST Sounds like a heck of a way to beat traffic. Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically. CRISWELL By 1970, Man will have colonized Mars. Millions of people will live there. Ed is mesmerized. ED Wow! Ain't that something. INT. STUDIO - LATER We're out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET: Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He's playing his "Slick" character, a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There's more APPLAUSE. BELA Greetings. I am the Count. HOST Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure. The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE. HOST Say, that's a funny place to sleep. BELA It is my home. HOST Oh, tract housing, huh? (he starts AD-LIBBING) I guess I shouldn't complain about my duplex in Burbank. What a dump. Some places have a Murphy bed, this place has a Murphy shower. I still don't know where to hang the towels! The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He seems incredibly confused. BELA Uh, beg to differ. HOST "Beg to differ?!" Hey, I'm talkin' about my duplex in Burbank! BELA (terrified, groping) Uh, Greetings. I am the Count... BACKSTAGE Ed covers his face in embarrassment. CUT TO: INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER The Host angrily storms past. HOST I told you we should've gotten Karloff. He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out. ED Bela, don't worry. You're better than all this crap. BELA (distraught) I never said I could ad-lib... ED Forget about it. We'll make our new movie, and you'll be a star again. They shuffle away... until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela. CRISWELL Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled privilege to meet you. Allow me to introduce myself... I am CRISWELL! BELA (morose) It's a pleasure... CRISWELL Ah, cheer up! Don't lose heart over what happened tonight. (he points at his temple) I predict that your next project will be an outstanding success! ED Wow. CRISWELL And who may you be? ED Edward Wood, Sir. CRISWELL Ah. The director of "Glen Or Glenda." ED (startled) H-how'd you know?! CRISWELL I'm Criswell. I know all. Criswell winks. CUT TO: INT. MOCAMBO ROOM - NIGHT Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping '5Os nightclub. Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed, Bela, and Criswell's group. Everyone's plastered and laughing. Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER. CRISWELL Bring me two more Beefeater martinis. Eddie will have another whiskey, Dagmar's a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha and King are chablis -- hey Bela, would you like a wine? BELA No. I never drink -- wine. The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to Criswell. ED Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970? How'd you know it wouldn't be 1975, or even 1980? CRISWELL I guessed. ED I don't understand. CRISWELL I made it up. It's horseshit! Ed's jaw drops. CRISWELL There's no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a turban and a black tuxedo. ED It's that easy? CRISWELL Eddie, we're in show biz! It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you dress nice and talk well, people will swallow anything. Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom. CUT TO: EXT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE step out and approach the DOORMAN. CONSERVATIVE MAN Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. DOORMAN Ah, that would be in the Venetian Room, sir. The couple raise their eyebrows. They're impressed. INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT A large banner says "BRIDE OF THE ATOM - NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY. All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns, strutting about with flutes of champagne like they're extras in "The Great Gatsby." Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them. ED We're gonna have the most terrifying monster ever seen on film! A ghastly creature created from an atomic mutation! BACKER'S WIFE I don't like scary movies. I go more for ones with love stories. ED (without dropping a beat) Well that's what this movie is... a heartbreaking romance! It's about a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in love with a young cop, Dick Craig. ACROSS THE ROOM Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over. ED What do you think you're doin'?! CONRAD These shoes are itchy. ED You can't sit! You gotta walk around, with good posture. You want these people to think we have class. Otherwise they'll never invest in our movie. ACROSS THE PARTY Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor's giant arm. AMAZED BACKER Bernie, get a load of this guy! TOR (proud of his size) Biceps 22! Chest 62! Stomach 54! AMAZED BACKER Whew! You're quite a specimen. (beat) And you're gonna be in the picture? TOR Yes. I play Lobo! ACROSS THE ROOM An excited HICK BACKER shakes Bela's hand. HICK BACKER Mr. Lugosi, I can't believe I'm meeting you in person. This is one of the most exciting moments of my life. BELA Thank you. And you are? HICK BACKER Charlie Johnson! I manufacture toothpaste tubes. ACROSS THE PARTY Criswell struts in the b.g., talking to someone. CRISWELL I predict "Bride Of The Atom" will be the biggest moneymaker of all time! In the f.g., Ed introduces Dolores to a SOUTHERN BACKER. ED And this is lovely starlet Dolores Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton. SOUTHERN BACKER And how much will this picture cost? ED In a normal studio it would be half-a-million, with all their wasteful overhead and fancy offices. But because we're more efficient, we can bring it in for seventy grand! SOUTHERN BACKER Hmm. Well I'll consider it... EXT. BROWN DERBY - LATER THAT NIGHT Ed and his buddies wave goodbye to the departing backers. ED Goodbye! Goodbye! BELA (to Ed) So how'd we do? ED (faking a big smile, but SOTTO VOCE to Bela) We didn't make a dime. IN THE PARKING LOT A VALET hands the car keys to the Conservative Backer. VALET That's twenty-five cents, sir. The man glances at his Wife. She shrugs. WIFE I gave all my money to the babysitter. The man grimaces. He checks his pockets, pulls out a handful of PENNIES, and counts them out... CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S BACKYARD - DAY Ed sits in a chaise lounge by the pool, studying papers and drinking shots of whiskey. He's in a woman's pantsuit and fuzzy slippers. Dolores marches out. DOLORES Ed, the landlord called again. He wants his money. ED Tell him "Bride" is in pre- production. DOLORES Ed, the landlord doesn't care. ED That's the problem! Nobody cares about my movie! I'm tryin' so hard, I don't know what else to do! DOLORES Don't get angry at me. Maybe you just need a day job. ED (upset) Dolores, don't you understand? I'm a director now! I made "Glen Or Glenda." Directing is my day job. DOLORES (irate) All I know is, ever since "Glen Or Glenda," all you do is booze it up and wear my clothes! Suddenly Paul hesitantly steps through the back gate. PAUL MARCO Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt, but I got some big news. ED (dour) Yeah...? PAUL MARCO Well my cousin Fred met this dame from back East. She's from "old money," and he thinks she's loaded. And here's the kicker: She's very interested in the picture business! ANGLE - ED He slowly smiles. It's like sun breaking through rain clouds. CUT TO: EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY We're at a fancy outdoor brunch. Ed is shaking hands with pretty LORETTA KING, 25, a pale brunette in a classy dress. LORETTA Pleased to meet you. I'm Loretta King. ED I understand you just moved here? LORETTA Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting. A WAITER walks over, with a water pitcher. WAITER Water, Ma'am? LORETTA (suddenly freaking out) No! No water! NO LIQUIDS! I'm terribly allergic to them! The waiter is bewildered. He hurries away. Ed leans in. ED So my associate Mr. Marco tells me you may be interested in investing in a motion picture. LORETTA Perhaps a small amount of money. (she smiles) How much do one of your motion pictures cost? ED For this one, we need $60,000. LORETTA That's all?? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture. Ed perks up. She's a live one! Ed pulls a script from his briefcase and hands it to her. ED Perhaps you'd like to look at the photoplay. LORETTA Oh my, this is very interesting. (she skims the pages) Say... do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts? ED (very enthused) Oh, of course!! There's a couple characters you'd be perfect for: The secretary at the newspaper office, or the file clerk! LORETTA Hmm. Those sound kind of small. (stopping at a page) Oh, here's one that looks good: Janet Lawton. I'd sure like to play her. Ed blanches. ED J-Janet Lawton??? LORETIA Yes, Janet Layton is clearly the part to play. She's got some real meaty scenes! Can't you just see me in that part?? CU - ED He is aghast. What a stomach-churning decision. He stares at Loretta, then slowly croaks a response. ED Uh... yeah... (beat) You'd be perfect. CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S HOUSE - DAY We HEAR dishes being violently thrown. Dolores SCREAMS inside. DOLORES (o.s.) You bastard! You two-timing, dress-wearing son-of-a-BITCH!! INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME Dolores is crying and screaming angrily. Ed ducks the objects she hurls at him. ED It was the only way I could get the movie made! DOLORES Who do you think's been paying the rent?! Who helped type your script, and did all your grunt work?! ED I'm sorry! What did you want me to say? DOLORES I wanted you to say, "No! I wrote the part for my girlfriend Dolores." ED But there's plenty of other parts. DOLORES Like what?! ED (nervous) The secretary. Or the file clerk. Dolores is stunned. DOLORES YOU ASSHOLE! She hurls a pot at Ed. WHACK! It slams him in the head. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The sets are being erected for "Bride Of The Atom"! The crew hurries about the small stage, as Ed energetically supervises. He has a large band-aid on his head. ED This is gonna be Bela's laboratory, so it should be real impressive! Like one of those mad scientist movies. I want beakers, and test tubes, and one of those electrical things that buzzes! BUNNY You mean a Tesla coil? ED If you say so. Tor lumbers over, in his ripped Lobo outfit. His face has fake gashed-up scars. Tor holds the script. TOR Edvard! I haf question 'bout script. My vife Greta, she read. And she no like. ED Really? Was the third act too intense? TOR (trying to be polite) No. She tink Lobo is waste of my time. Lobo don't talk. ED But Tor, it's a starring part! You're second billed. TOR Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk. But Tor, he no talk. Ed thinks. He quickly puts a spin on this. ED Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look at the classic film actors, who are they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They didn't talk! They did it all with their face. TOR (still bothered) But Greta say -- Loretta walks over, holding two dresses. LORETTA Eddie, which dress do you like better? ED I don't know. (he yells o.s.) Hey Bill, which dress is better for you, the green or the red one? Cameraman Bill is standing at the camera. He squints. CAMERAMAN BILL Which one is the red one? ED (confused) What do you mean? CAMERAMAN BILL I mean I can't see the difference. I'm color-blind. (beat) But I like the dark gray one. WIPE TO: LATER The crew is shooting on a spooky castle foyer set. ED ACTION! Bela enters, wearing a lab coat costume. As he slowly crosses, the old man rubs his hands fiendishly. Ed YELLS live direction through a megaphone. ED Okay, you're Dr. Eric Vornoff. You're upset. You've worked so hard on this experisent, and you don't want to see it fail. (Bela stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Bela exits) Okay, CUT! BEAUTIFUL! PRINT IT! Ed claps his hands triumphantly. ED Alright, let's go immediately to Scene 52. Tor, are you in place? TOR'S VOICE Yah. ED Okay, CUE RAINSTORM! Behind the window, Conrad pours a watering can. ED And roll camera! ACTION! Tor enters, but can barely squeeze his bulk through the door. Finally he enters. Ed YELLS through the segaphone. ED Okay, you're Lobo. You're upset. You've worked so hard helping Dr. Vornoff on this experiment, and you don't want to see it fail. (Tor stops, to "emote") No, you're not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Tor exits) Okay, CUT! PERFECT! PRINT IT! OFF STAGE Bela talks to Tor. BELA At Universal, they shot two scenes a day. Eddie can knock off twenty or thirty! He's incredible. BACK ON SET Cameraman Bill leans in to Ed. CAMERAMAN BILL Hey Ed, shouldn't we do another take? Big Baldy kinda got stuck in the doorway. ED No, it's fine. It's real! In actuality, Lobo would struggle with that problem every day. WIPE TO: LABORATORY SET - LATER They are back on the completed lab set. Beyond the bunsen burners and beakers is a kitchenette in the corner. ED Wow, this lab looks great. Except why is there a stove and refrigerator? PAUL MARCO We couldn't afford any more props. If it seems weird, maybe you can add a scene where they eat dinner. ED Nah, it'll work. Where's Bela? Bela is asleep on a couch. Ed nudges him. ED Bela, are you ready? BELA (he groggily wakes up) Mmph? Where am I? ED You're shooting "Bride Of The Atom." Scene 85. Bela nods. He stands up, then grimaces in pain. So he pulls two BRIGHT LITTLE PILLS from his pocket and swallows them. Ed walks Bela onto the lab set. ED You'll be sitting on the right. BELA (he glares at the sparking Tesla coils) I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of those burned me on "The Return Of Chandu." ED Okay. Then you'll be sitting on the left. Ed turns to Tor and Loretta. She wears a wedding gown. ED Here's the scene. Loretta, you're in a trance. You glide in and get on the operating table. Now Tor, you're supposed to tie her down. But you have an angora fetish... and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse so Bela has to discipline you. TOR Okey-dokey. WIPE TO: SHOOTING - LATER The scene begins. ED ACTION! BELA (as VORNOFF) "Now we are ready for the girl." Bela does his patented hypnotic arm wave. He actually has a powerful intensity. Loretta staggers in, eyes glazed. Like a zombie, she climbs onto the operating table. BELA "Dear, you are a woman of super strength and beauty. A lovely vision of exquisitely beauty -- shit!" (he breaks character) Damn! Eddie, I'm sorry I can't remember all this. I'm an old man. It's too long. ED That's fine, Bela. We're still rolling. Just say "Dear, you're lovely." BELA (he snaps back into character) "Dear, you're lovely." (he turns to Tor) "Strap her to the table." Tor starts to tie Loretta down, then gets distracted by a piece of angora hooked to his waist. He rubs it lovingly, calmed, then suddenly refuses. Bela is furious. BELA "Do as I command you!" Bela pulls out an oversized BULLWHIP and starts WHIPPING Tor. Tor screams in agony. BELA "I'll teach you to disobey me!" Bela chases Tor around the set, WHIPPING him. ED And, CUT!!! Impeccable! ON TOR He dances about happily. TOR I love being movie star! Tor jubilantly hugs Loretta. She grimaces. LORETTA Ow. Not so hard, Tor. ON ED A SURLY STAGE MANAGER strides over to Ed. SURLY STAGE MANAGER Hey, Wood. Your check bounced. ED Okay, I'll get you the money later. SURLY STAGE MANAGER No. I need it NOW. Ed nods grimly. He grabs Loretta and takes her aside. ED Sorry to bother you while we're shooting, but the guy who owns the stage needs his money. LORETTA Well then you should pay him, shouldn't you? ED (he smiles) Yeah. Exactly! There's a pause. They stare at each other. ED I kinda need it now. LORETTA (baffled) What are you looking at me like that for? I already gave you my three hundred. ED Yeah. Well I need the other sixty-thousand. LORETTA What other sixty-thousand? ED The other sixty-thousand you said you'd give me. LORETTA You misunderstood. I gave you everything I have in the world: Three-hundred dollars. CLOSEUP - ED He looks like he s going to throw up. ED Oh my God. CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY The large stage door SLAMS shut. Ed's disoriented cast and crew stand in the street. Bela, Tor, and Loretta are still in costume. Ed looks totally dazed. He blinks in the bright sunlight. CUT TO: INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT We're back at the Brown Derby, for another backers party. The same banner is hanging: "BRIDE OF THE ATOM -- NEXT YEAR'S SMASH HIT!" The whole crowd is there, dressed up. Bela sits in the corner, knocking back a drink. BELA Here we go again. Paul whispers to Bunny. PAUL MARCO So is Dolores coming? BUNNY (very catty) I can't imagine why. I wouldn't put up with a boyfriend who sold me out for three-hundred dollars...! ON ED Ed stands with a circle of POTENTIAL BACKERS. He has an edge of desperation we've never seen before. ED ...lemme tell you, you can't lose. It's scary! And if you don't like that, it's romantic! Bela Lugosi portrays Dr. Vornoff, and lovely ingenue Loretta King is reporter Janet Lawton. POTENTIAL BACKER Hmm. Lugosi looks pretty old. (he squints across the room) Which role is Vampira playing? ED Vampira...? (bewildered) Why do you ask?? POTENTIAL BACKER Well I see her standing over there. The guy points. Ed turns and looks and Vampira is standing in the next room. She's at a different party. ED Well... she's playing -- (beat) Could you excuse me one moment?? Ed dashes from the room. NEXT ROOM OVER Vampira is drinking with a bunch of artsy-fartsy types. She's in street clothes, but clearly recognizable. Ed runs up. ED Excuse me, Miss Vampira? VAMPIRA Yes? ED (sweaty) You don't know me, but my name is Ed Wood. I'm a film producer. I'm currently in production on a science-fiction piece, with Bela Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson. And I saw you here, and I thought: Kismet! Vampira stares, totally uncomprehending. VAMPIRA I don't understand. Do you want my autograph? ED No. I think my film is perfect for you. VAMPIRA You want me to show it on my TV program? Well I got nothing to do with that. You should call up the station manager at Channel Seven -- ED (unyielding) No! I don't want you to show the movie, I want you to be in it! See, maybe I should explain: We started shooting, but then after three days we got shut down. So we're having a backers party, to raise some more money. Perhaps you'd like to come next door and meet some of the backers...? Vampire glances at her friends. They uncomfortably turn away. VAMPIRA Uh, look, I'm with some friends, and we're about to eat -- ED (begging) Please! It'll only take a minute. You can have some hors d'oeuvres, and meet my backers! There's a really nice dentist from Oxnard... VAMPIRA (pissed off) Look buddy, I'm a big star. I've got real offers from real studios. I don't need to blow some dentist for a part. So forget it! BACK AT THE PARTY The backers glance into the next room. Ed is in front of Vampira, begging on his hands and knees. BACKER (to another backer) I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Let's get out of here. The backers pick up their coats. Through the doorway, Ed sees this. He jumps up and frantically runs back in. ED Where are you guys going?! You can't leave! BACKER (running out) Goodbye, Mr. Wood. ED (insane) You can't go! You haven't seen the storyboards! The backers run out of the room. They're gone. Ed shouts after them. ED Fine! SCREW YOU! If you don't have the balls to roll the dice, then I don't want your stinking money!! No response. ED Please, come back! CUT TO: EXT. ED AND DOLORES' HOUSE - DAY Ed and Dolores are being evicted. Their belongings are scattered in front. They bitterly carry furniture out of the house. Ed stumbles and slurs his speech. He is drunk. ED Goddamn landlord. DOLORES I told you this was gonna happen. ED Maybe if you'd come to the backers party, I would've gotten the money. DOLORES That's moronic. Why would a bit player impress a backer? ED (he starts yelling) Look, how many times can I say I'm sorry? I blew it! I thought she was rich. DOLORES That's a good reason to dump your girlfriend. ED I didn't dump you! Get it through your skull -- I just recast the part! Ed drops the furniture. He flops onto the sidewalk. DOLORES You're a fuckin' mess. ED So WHAT?? Look, we gotta figure out where we're gonna stay. DOLORES I'm going to my mother's. ED Does she have room for me? Dolores shakes her head. DOLORES I think you should stay with one of your friends. CUT TO: EXT. TOWERING TEMPLE - NIGHT Ed and Bela stroll through a parking lot. Ed is sobered up and remorseful. Bela wears a beret and smokes a huge cigar. ED Bela, I don't know what I'm doin' anymore... BELA Stop worrying. This is going to raise your spirits. They reach the strange entrance to an avant-garde, Eastern based quasi-religious temple. Bela puts out his cigar, and they enter the oversized doors. INT. TEMPLE - SAME TIME Sphinxes and Bodhisatvas peer down from the marble walls. A service is in progress. A wiry, enigmatic LECTURER speaks. LECTURER Thou eternal sun, who has covered the consciousness with thy golden disc, do thou remove the veil so that I may see the truth within? Bela leads Ed to a seat, stepping past men in fezzes and odd elderly women in fur coats. As the lecture continues, Ed WHISPERS in bafflement. ED What is this place? BELA This is the Philosophical Research Society. A refuge for free thinkers. I've been coming here for twenty years. LECTURER ...for the truth which is within thee is within me. And I am Truth. BELA Most people in this country, they know nothing, about Eastern mysticism. They are afraid of it. (beat) But I am open-minded. It gives me hope. LECTURER We have the wisdom to govern and the divine right to inherit the earth in good condition. We have the power to build worlds. Ed leans in to Bela. ED Was I wrong to cast Loretta? BELA Bad decisions are easy to live with. Forget. Just keep looking forward. ED But was it a bad decision? At the time, I thought her money would save the movie. BELA Eddie, you screwed up. ED (he nods) Yeah, I did. CUT TO: LATER The lecture is over. The speaker shakes hands with people. Bela leads Ed along. BELA In life, the decisions that haunt you are the ones where you just don't know... where right or wrong will never be answered. (beat) Years ago, the Hungarians contacted me. The government wanted me to come home, to be Minister of Culture. ED Really? BELA It was a very impressive offer. Fancy offices, a big home... I'd be treated like a king. ED So why didn't you do it? BELA I didn't know if it was a trick. They might arrest me and throw me in a gulag. (pause) I am Hungary's most famous emigrant. they'd use me as a lesson to anyone who tries to leave. ED But maybe not. BELA Correct. So instead, I stayed here, waiting for my comeback. Always hoping... the next film, the next film... that would be the one. They reach the exit. Ed stops in the huge doorway. ED Your next film. That will be the one. Bela smiles sweetly. CUT TO: INT. MCCOY MEATPACKING PLANT - DAY We're in a noisy meat-packing plant. WORKERS in blood-stained aprons slam cleavers into hunks of beef. Ed walks down an aisle with DONALD E. McCOY, a wealthy Texan meat man. Old Man McCoy is a tough-talking, tobacco-chewing, straight shooter. ED ...and then Dr. Vornoff falls in the pit, and his own octopus attacks and eats him! The End. OLD MAN McCOY Whew! That's quite a story. So you made the movie, and now you want to make it again? ED (gently correcting him) No. We shot ten minutes of the movie, and now we're looking for completion funds. OLD MAN McCOY Son, you're too vague. I come from the world of business. I need to know what I get for my investment. ED Movies are very popular. You could make a lot of money. OLD MAN McCOY Yeah, but most of 'em flop, don't they? What am I tangibly guaranteed? ED Well... you get "Executive Producer" credit. OLD MAN McCOY That don't mean diddley. (he suddenly SHOUTS angrily) BILLY BOB! You're cutting 'em TOO LEAN. McCoy grabs a CLEAVER from a worker and slams it into a chop. ED Mr. McCoy, how can I make you happy? OLD MAN McCOY Cut to the chase, heh? That's good! That's very good. McCoy SPITS his tobacco. OLD MAN McCOY Okay, two things. Number one: I want the movie to end with a big explosion. Sky full of smoke. ED But the story ends with Dr. Vornoff falling in the pit -- OLD MAN McCOY Not anymore. And number two: I've got a son. He's a little slow -- but a good boy. And something tells me he'd make a hell of a leading man... Under Ed's cheery frozen smile, his face clearly falls. CUT TO: INT. SALT LAKE CITY AUDITORIUM - NIGHT We're at a ROWDY wrestling match. Tor Johnson is in the middle of a screaming, four-man tag-team event. Tor THROWS his opponent to the ground; then tags with his partner and goes to the corner. Suddenly a WRESTLING COACH runs up, dragging a telephone on a very long cord. WRESTLING COACH Tor, you got a phone call! TOR Heh? NOW? WRESTLING COACH They said it was an emergency! He hands sweaty Tor the phone. Tor speaks into it. TOR Hallo? ED'S VOICE Tor, this is Ed! Glad I could find you! I got the money, and we resume shooting tomorrow morning! TOR But I'm in Utah. ED'S VOICE Then you'll have to drive all night! I'm counting on you, big guy. Breakfast is at seven. CLICK. Ed hangs up. Tor is flabbergasted. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - EARLY MORNING "Bride Of The Atom" is back in production! Ed's stock company is reunited. People drink coffee and gossip. PAUL MARCO This is unbelievable! I woulda bet a million bucks that Ed wouldn't finish this picture. CAMERAMAN BILL It ain't finished yet. Anything could happen. The stage door opens and standing there, in silhouette, is Dolores. Everybody quiets. People glance nervously at Loretta. BUNNY Uh-oh. Stay out of scratching distance. AT DOLORES Ed runs over. Dolores is beautifully made-up, and wearing a furry angora sweater. Ed speaks, awkwardly. ED Honey, you made it! I wasn't sure you got my message. DOLORES (icy) Of course I'm here. Today is the file clerk's big scene. ED That's right... DOLORES I see the usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here. (she looks around) Say, who's the lug? In a corner, standing by himself, is dumb TONY McCOY, Old Man McCoy's worthless son. He's a good-looking, moody hunk. Tony is practicing his lines from a script, but he's terribly stiff. TONY "Now Janet, I want you straying away -- oops -- staying away from the old Willows Place." Ed shrugs. ED That's Tony McCoy. He's playing Lieutenant Dick Craig. DOLORES Oh really? How much money did he put up? ED None. (beat) But his dad gave me fifty grand. DOLORES (snide) Wood Productions. The mark of quality. ED Hey, the movie's getting made. That's the main thing. Dolores shakes her head contemptuously. Then she strides off. Ed stands alone, feeling bad. WIPE TO: ON STAGE The set is a one-wall "office hallway": A doorway and a water cooler. Loretta sits in a make-up chair, as Harry works on her. DOLORES (O.S.) Hey Harry -- long time no see. Harry turns, surprised. Dolores stands behind him. There's a thick tension. He smiles anxiously. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY Hi Dolores... LORETA Oh, you're Dolores?! I've heard so much about you! I'm Loretta King. (she chipperly jumps up) Here, take the chair. DOLORES (bitchy) Don't be silly -- let Harry finish. You still need more work. LORETTA No, I'm done. All I needed was a touch-up. DOLORES Mm, that mole still shows. Loretta frowns. Ed quickly steps in. ED Ladies! You both look fine. Why don't we talk about the scene? (beat) Okay. Janet Lawton has discovered that Dr. Vornoff bought the old Willows estate. So now she wants to prove that all the monster stories are true. Dolores nods sourly. She s in a trouble-making mood. DOLORES Eddie, what's my motivation? ED (thrown off) Oh. Er... well you're the file clerk. You're hurrying into the next room, when you bump into Janet. DOLORES But what's our relationship? Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance? ED (annoyed) Dolores, I got five days to shoot this movie. Quit kidding around. WIPE TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT We're watching DAILIES. Projected ON SCREEN, a camera assistant claps the slate. We hear Ed yell: "Action!" Loretta hurries down the hallway. Dolores sees her run past and shouts out. DOLORES (as File Clerk) "Janet, the boss has been looking for you." LORETTA (as Janet Lawton) "Thanks." Loretta runs out. Dolores just stands there. We HEAR Ed: "CUT! PERFECT!" Dolores turns deadpan to the camera. DOLORES Of course it was. The FILM runs out. ON THE AUDIENCE The screening room lights come up on the crew. Ed sits in gloomy haze. Suddenly, there's loud CLAPPING from the back of the room. CRISWELL Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico! ED (he smiles) Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot. CRISWELL My pleasure. I'm always happy to assist in a little larceny. CUT TO: INT. CADILLAC - NIGHT g pink Cadillac convertible races down the Ed and Criswell are in front, and Tor, Conrad and Paul to the back. TOR My head is cold. CRISWELL You know how much this car cost me? CONRAD Ten thousand dollars. CRISWELL ONE DOLLAR! Miss Mae West herself sold it to me. She said, Cris, you belong in a pink Cadillac! Criswell turns to Ed. CRISWELL Incidentally, you promise you're not going to scratch my car...? ED (cocky) I told you, the octopus is made of rubber. This is a piece o' cake. EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men climb over a fence. They're breaking into Republic Studios. Paul is panicked. PAUL MARCO Ed, you said you were getting permission. ED Uh, I couldn't reach the guy... he was in meetings all day. But this'll be great, I promise! Ed smiles at Conrad. Conrad shrugs. Tor struggles. TOR I'm no good at climbink. Tor gives up, and simply BASHES through the locked gate. Everyone is amazed. Tor laughs. TOR I'm good at bashink!! CRISWELL Hey, keep it down. My publicist will throttle me if we get caught. They all sneak across the shadowy lot. Remnants of old scary sets tower over them. OUTSIDE A SOUNDSTAGE They reach a stage door. Ed tries it -- but it's locked. ED Oh. I thought they kept this open. A pause. Everyone looks at Tor. He grins. TOR Lobo will fix! Tor grabs the heavy door and easily SNAPS the lock. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME This place is the mythic eclectic prop room. Guillotines, rocketships, a stuffed vulture... strange mysterious props from untold movies loom everywhere in the darkness. It's a place of wonderment and fear. The men stare in awe. CONRAD Wow. PAUL MARCO This place gives se the creeps. Let's get the hell out of here. ED Not so fast. First we have to get it down. Ed gestures above. Everyone glances straight up. THEIR POV A giant OCTOPUS is lashed to the ceiling. CUT TO: LATER Conrad and Criswell are way up on the catwalk, holding onto dangling Paul by his belt. Paul leans way out, reaching for the octopus. He shouts nervously. PAUL MARCO You're sure this is gonna work? ED (O.S.) Yes! PAUL MARCO You're sure??? ED (O.S.) YES! JUST DO IT! WIDE VIEW Standing straight below is Tor. The Swede has his arms outstretched, waiting. Ed supervises a good distance away. He motions to Paul. Paul gulps, then unties the octopus. It drops incredibly fast. The thing must weigh half a ton. Tor's eyes widen. And the octopus smashes straight on top of him. BAM! Tor is gone from sight. One of the eight tentacles snaps off. UP IN THE CATWALK Criswell moans. CRISWELL Oh my God. We killed him. ON THE GROUND Ed runs to the octopus and looks for Tor underneath. ED Tor! Are you okay?! A beat. And then the octopus flips over. Tor sits up, battered but smiling. TOR Bedder than wrestlink! EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS - NIGHT The five men hurry across the lot, carrying the hubongous octopus on their shoulders. Suddenly, a FLASHLIGHT shines on them. ANGRY VOICE Hey! What are you doing?! The men jump with fear. They break into a fast waddling run. CRISWELL Thank God Tor broke the fence. The team runs through the busted gate and escapes. EXT. STUDIOS - NIGHT The Cadillac SCREECHES away. The octopus flops on top of the five men. WIPE TO: EXT. GRIFFITH PARK - NIGHT The movie crew is setting up for a big night shoot. Lights and generators are sprawled across this isolated area. Tony McCoy perches goofily on his own personalized chair. He runs lines by himself. TONY "Now Janet, I want you staying away from the old Willows Place." The octopus lays in a dried-up riverbed. There's only about an inch of water. Ed yells at Conrad. ED You don't understand! The octopus is supposed to live in a lake! CONRAD This is kind of a stream-- ED NO! It has to be UNDERWATER! Ed storms away. Conrad scratches his head. IN A DUSTY PARKING LOT Bela sits inertly in the back of an open car. He weakly hails over Ed. BELA Eddie, I'm so tired... I don't know if I can handle a night shoot... ED Nonsense! You look great -- (suddenly he catches himself; he speaks more sincerely) Look, uh, why don't you lie down and take a little nap? We'll film around you for a while. ED Thanks, buddy... Ed smiles warmly, then walks off. Bela stares after him, then absent-mindedly searches through his pockets. Finally, he finds what he's looking for -- a rubber tube. Bela looks to make sure no one's around, then ties the tube around his upper arm... AT THE SET - LATER Crew members have dammed up the end of the river, and Bunny fills it with a hose. There is now a foot of water. Ed stands at the shore, admiring it. ED Hey. This is looking good! (he turns to Paul) Paul, where's the octopus motor? PAUL MARCO What octopus motor? ED You know, to make the legs move -- PAUL MARCO (defensive) Hey, don't blame me! You didn't say anything about no motor when I was up on that ceiling! Bela stumbles up, with a dazed smile. BELA Let's shoot this fucker! Where do I go? ED You'll be fighting with the octopus. BELA Out there?! (he points at the water) What happened to the stream? ED This'll look a lot better. We have to match the stock footage of the octopus underwater. BELA Oh, for Christ's sake. Bela rolls up his pants and wades out, into the water. He screams. BELA Goddamn, it's cold! ED Once you're in it, it warms up. BELA Fuck you! You come out here. (beat) Hey, toss me that J.D. A crew member throws Bela a bottle of Jack Daniels. Bela pops the cap and chugs half the bottle in one swig. He licks his lips, then climbs onto the octopus. BELA Okay! How do we turn this thing on? ED Bela, somebody misplaced the motor. So when you wrestle the octopus, shake the legs a bit, to make it look like it's killing you. Bela stares, deadpan. BELA Do you know I turned down "Frankenstein"? ED Huh? BELA After I did "Dracula," the studio offered me "Frankenstein"! But I turned it down, the part wasn't sexy enough. It was too degrading for a big star like me. The crew glances at Ed. ED Bela, I've got twenty-five scenes to shoot tonight. BELA Don't let me slow you down. ED Alright! Let's put it on film. CAMERA! SOUND! Bela takes another swig of J.D., then throws it off-camera. ED ACTION! Bela starts flailing around the octopus legs and SCREAMING in horror. This image is truly ridiculous. Ed is pleased. Some crew members nod: Pretty good. ED And CUT! Everybody cheers. Then suddenly the dam walls BURST. WHOOSH! The water rushes from the lake and floods the park below. WIPE TO: EXT. DINKY SOUNDSTAGES - EARLY MORNING Crew members straggle in for the final shoot. Everybody looks bleary-eyed from last night. Ed stands cheerily at the entrance, greeting them. ED C'mon! Just one more day! Just have some coffee, you'll feel better! Tony staggers up. TONY Mr. Wood, I only got one hour of sleep. ED Yeah? Well I got no sleep, and I feel great! Ed sees Bela slowly shuffling along. Ed runs over to him. ED Bela. I just wanna thank you again for last night. BELA (exhausted) That's fine, Eddie. All in the line of duty. ED No. Seriously. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done for me. A great man like you shouldn't have to run around in freezing water at four in the morning. BELA Well, there aren't too many other fellas I'd do it for... ED (he smiles, then pulls out a script page) I wrote something special for you. I got to thinking about all the sacrifices you've made... and so I wrote you a new final speech. Ed hands him the paper. Bela starts reading it, as Ed watches anxiously. Bela is very touched. BELA (still reading) Eddie, this is quite a scene. ED I know it's a lot to give you at the last second. Bela looks up. BELA These lines -- I'll have no problem remembering. WIPE TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY They are shooting. Ed watches off-camera, as Bela acts a somber scene with an actor playing PROFESSOR STROWSKI, a threatening European. STROWSKI "Our government wants you to return... to continue your experiments there. Where you can have everything at your disposal." BELA (as VORNOFF) "My dear Professor Strowski, twenty years ago I was banned from my home land. I was classed as a madman -- a charlatan -- outlawed in the world of science which previously honored me as a genius!" (he gets very subdued) "Now here in this forsaken jungle hell, I have proven that I am alright." STROWSKI "Yes, the authorities have learned how correct your findings were. So I am here -- sent to bring you home." BELA (impassioned) "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people -- a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" It's an incredible performance of crowning tragedy. Bela is totally drained. CU - ED He is very moved. He whispers, barely audible. ED Cut. It's a wrap. CUT TO: INT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - NIGHT The wrap party is being thrown in the meat packing plant. People laugh and shout and carry on. Tor pours booze in the punch. R&B MUSIC plays. Old Man McCoy dances with Loretta. Bunny dances with a young stud. Dolores stands by herself. Bela and Criswell are giggling. CRISWELL So you sleep in coffins?! BELA Yes. There is nothing more comfortable. CRISWELL I can't believe this! I sleep in coffins! BELA No. CRISWELL YES! My father ran a mortuary -- it's an old habit! They CLINK beers. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Outside, Vampira and two GIRL FRIENDS walk up. They peer at a tin sign. GIRLFRIEND #1 "McCoy Meat Packing"? Are you sure there's a party here? VAMPIRA (holding an INVITATION) Yeah, I got this invitation. It's a "Bride Of The Atom" party, whatever that means. They open the large steel door, and INSIDE is the wild bash. INT. PARTY Across the room, Paul and Conrad chat. PAUL MARCO "Glen Or Glenda," now that was a hell of a picture. CONRAD Well, this new one's gonna be a hundred times better. PAUL MARCO Is that possible? Dolores overhears this. She stares in disbelief. AT THE TURNTABLE Someone changes the record. Brassy STRIPPER MUSIC begins. A door opens, and Ed struts out, in full gaudy drag. Everybody turns. They start WHISTLING and HOLLARING. Ed grins, and starts into a wacky bump-and-grind. VOICE Go, baby, go! Bunny runs up and sticks a dollar bill between Ed's fake tits. People LAUGH hysterically. Dolores is appalled. Ed shimmies to the music, blowing kisses all around. He sees Vampira and waves. Vampira's jaw drops in recognition. VAMPIRA I don't believe it. It's him! Ed sashays up to Bela and dances a few steps with him. The music is building to a climax. Ed hurries off to center stage -- and as the MUSIC ENDS, he does a final swing of his hips, then suddenly yanks out his teeth! This brings down the house. Everyone STAMPS their feet and CLAPS crazily. ANGLE - DOLORES Everyone, except Dolores. Suddenly, she explodes. DOLORES You people are INSANE! Take a look around -- you're all FREAKS! The room quiets. Dolores has snapped. DOLORES You're wasting your lives making SHIT! Nobody cares! These movies are TERRIBLE! (beat) I can't take it any longer! The group is shocked. Nobody speaks. Dolores runs out of the party. Ed just stands, dumbstruck. Then he chases after her, in his high heels and dress. EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT - SAME TIME Dolores runs across the parking lot, in tears. Ed catches up with her. ED Dolores, wait! DOLORES Ed, it's over. I need a normal life. ED (hurt) Did you really mean those things you said..? Dolores stops. DOLORES I'm tired of living on the fringe. ED But you used to say -- DOLORES Ed... I just stuck it out so you could finish your movie. (pause) Now that it's done, so am I. She turns and walks away. Ed is crushed. He stands motionless, in his dress, in the dark. CUT TO: INT. ED'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY Ed's new home is a single apartment, still filled with moving boxes. Half-eaten plates of food are scattered about. Ed lies asleep in bed, unshaven, in the middle of the day. The phone RINGS. Ed awakens and woozily answers it. ED Yeah... TOR (on phone) Ed, dit I wake you? It's two in avternoon. ED No, I was just doin' a little work... TOR (on phone) Bullchit! You been like dis too many days. I want to cheer you up. EXT. TOR'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ed drives his Nash though a tract Valley neighborhood and reaches Tor's little house. Ed gets out, still looking groggy. He walks up the tulip-lined path and rings the DOORBELL. Clanging SWEDISH CHIMES bong inside. The door flies open, and Tor appears, beaming. TOR Edvard, you come! Tor gives Ed a back-breaking hug. INT. TOR'S HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed steps in. The house is filled with cuckoo clocks and little Swedish knick-knacks. Tor gestures proudly. TOR I'm so happy you visit. Meet my family! Greta, Karl, and Connie! THREE COLOSSAL PEOPLE lumber out. Tor has the largest family we've ever seen. Not fat -- but big-boned. GRETA is Tor's gigantic Swedish wife, and KARL and CONNIE are their two elephantine children. They ADLIB greetings: "Hallo!" "Welcome!" "Is a pleasure!" Ed cannot believe what he's seeing. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Everyone noisily eats dinner. The table looks like a Smorgasbord. Entire hams, turkeys, a full case of beer, incredible quantities are being shoveled in. Tor empties a beer in one gulp, then opens another. CONNIE Pass the meatballs. KARL This strudel is delicious, Mama. Ed is stupefied. He picks at a little dainty serving. TOR Hey! You're not eatink. ED Uh, I don't have much of an appetite lately. TOR The food will make you feel bedder. Look at me -- I'm da happiest guy I know! All the Johnsons CHUCKLE. ED I'd be happy too, if I had such a great family. TOR Don't worry. You just haven't met right woman yet. (beat) Oopsy. That cabbage goes right through me. Tor stands and hurries from the room. Ed awkwardly makes conversation. ED Greta, your husband is a terrific actor. You should come down and visit the set. GRETA I don't think so. ED No, it's really no problem at all! GRETA (steely) I do not approve of what you do with my husband Tor. He is not a monster. These horror pictures are humiliating. Ed has no response. Suddenly -- CRASH! There's a loud o.s. SLAM, falling porcelain, then Tor SHOUTS FURIOUSLY in Swedish. TOR (O.S.) OUCH! GODDAMMIT! Earl and Connie begin giggling. Ed is totally baffled. Tor runs out, angrily holding a BROKEN TOILET SEAT. It is split in two. TOR Look, it happened again! Ed is boggle-eyed. This house is sadness. ED Tor, I should be getting home. TOR Nonsense! You must try our hot glug. DISSOLVE TO: LATER It's very late. Tor and Ed sit in the living room, drinking from a steaming pot of hot stilled wine. They are smashed. TOR My friend, you tink Greta is first woman I ever see? No! Many duds, before I find her. ED But I thought me and Dolores had something. TOR Forget her! Move on. A good lookink boy like you as you can have any girl you wish. Tor finishes his glug, and then his eyes roll back into his head, and he falls off the couch. He starts SNORING. Ed stares at Tor, then gets up. Ed turns off the lights and goes home. CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Ed smokes a cigarette and watches TV. ON THE TV Vampira is doing her shtick. VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! That was so scary, it gave me goosebumps. (someone QUACKS os.; she pretends to be angry) No, dummy! I didn't say "goose," I said "goosebumps." Ugh! Well, be sure to join me next week, for "THE MUMMY'S CURSE." Until then... pleasant nightmares. Vampira blows a kiss, then disappears into the mist. A USED CAR COMMERCIAL abruptly comes on. ON ED He stares at the TV, then picks up the phone. CUT TO: INT. TV STUDIOS - SAME TIME Vampira is walking off stage. She removes her black wig. VAMPIRA God, we need some better jokes on this show. A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT carries over a phone. ASSISTANT Vampira, you got a phone call. VAMPIRA At this hour? (she takes the phone) Hello? ED'S VOICE Vampira! Hi, this is Ed Wood. VAMPIRA Who? ED'S VOICE Ed Wood! You came to my party. I directed "Bride Of The Atom"! VAMPIRA Oh. Yeah. You. Ed pauses, nervously. ED'S VOICE Well, I was wondering if maybe sometime you'd like to go out, and maybe grab some dinner. VAMPIRA You mean like a date? I thought you were a fag. ED'S VOICE ME?! No, uh, I'm just a transvestite. VAMPIRA Isn't that the same thing? ED'S VOICE No, no! I like girls. So how 'bout Friday? VAMPIRA (uncomfortable) Look, you seem like a nice guy, Ed, but you're just not my type. (beat) But keep in touch. Let me know when your movie opens. CUT BACK TO: CLOSEUP - ED Click. The phone hangs up. Poor Ed just stands there, forlorn. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Ed shuffles down the street, Mr. Lonely Guy, feeling sorry for himself. He glances in a coffee shop, and sees a sweet young woman inside. Her name is NORMA McCARTY. She wears a bow in her hair, Mary Jane shoes, and a fuzzy white angora sweater. Ed's eyes widen. INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME TIME Innocent Norma sits by herself, eating. ED'S VOICE Excuse me. Is that angora? Norma looks up. Standing over her is Ed, smiling. NORMA Why... yes. ED Don't you think angora has a tactile sensuality lacking in all other clothing? NORMA I suppose. It's very expensive. ED It's made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas. NORMA What are you, an angora wholesaler? ED No, I work in pictures. I'm a director-actor-writer-producer. NORMA (she laughs) Ah, c'mon! Nobody does all that. ED Two people do. Orson Welles and me. NORMA Wow. ED You know, you're a very attractive girl. Norma blushes. NORMA My goodness, you're embarrassing me. ED You shouldn't be embarrassed by the truth. (he smoothly sits down) Mind if I order some hotcakes...? CUT TO: INT. CRISWELL'S CADILLAC - NIGHT Criswell and Paul drive at night. They're dressed-up. SWING MUSIC plays on the radio. CRISWELL So who's the surprise for? PAUL MARCO I dunno. Ed was real mysterious. All he'd say was it's a surprise party. CRISWELL Isn't that like him! (beat) And isn't that like us -- that we show up anyway. They pull up to a GUARD GATE. They're at a studio. CRISWELL Excuse me. We're here for the Wood party. GUARD They've rented Stage 12. Drive straight back. INT. SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT There is another rambunctious party in progress. Crepe paper streamers hang down. Bela approaches Tor. BELA So what are we doing here? TOR Nobody knows. But there's a lotta booze. Suddenly Ed steps into the middle of the room. He's extremely handsome in his tuxedo, and beaming happily. ED Excuse me! Could everyone please quiet down? (the room quiets) First of all, I want to thank you, all my good friends, for being here tonight. And second, if you're wondering what the big surprise is... well, TONIGHT I'M GETTING MARRIED!! The crowd is stunned. Many people DROP their glasses. Ed proudly pulls out Norma. She's in a wedding gown. ED Everybody, this is Norma! ON BELA AND TOR They're bewildered. Bela WHISPERS. BELA Who the fuck is she?? TOR I never heard of her. Ed walks over. He hugs Bela. ED And Bela, I want you to be the best man! Bela smiles -- trying to hide his total confusion. DISSOLVE TO: LATER The wedding is in progress. The crowd is seated. A MINISTER performs the ceremony with Ed and Norma. MINISTER ...Norma, do you promise to love, honor, and cherish... IN THE CROWD Everybody is QUIETLY GOSSIPING. BUNNY I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. PAUL MARCO (he taps him on the shoulder) I hear she's an actress who gave him money. CONRAD Nah, I heard she's his childhood sweetheart from Poughkeepsie. CRISWELL I predict it's Dolores in a mask. AT THE ALTAR The Minister is speaking to Ed. MINISTER ...in sickness and in health, till death do you part? ED I do. MINISTER (he smiles) Then I now pronounce you man and wife. Ed kisses Norma. The crowd doesn't applaud. They're too baffled by this whole event. DISSOLVE TO: THE RECEPTION Everyone's drinking and dancing. Ed proudly introduces Norma to his buddies. ED Norma, this is Bela -- Bela, this is Norma. Norma, this is Tor -- Tor, this is Norma. Norma, this is Paul Paul, this is Norma. PAUL MARCO (he can't resist) So how long have you known Eddie? NORMA (sweetly) Since Tuesday. Criswell grabs Ed and pulls him aside. CRISWELL Edward, are you sure you know what you're doing? ED Yeah. It seems a little crazy, but sometimes you just know. She's perfect for me. Outside, a car HONKS. ED Oop, that's our cue! (to Norma) Honey, we gotta go. GOODBYE, EVERYBODY! Ed and Norma run out the door. The crowd hurries after them. OUTSIDE Ed and Norma jump into his Nash. It says "Just Married" and is festooned with dangling tin cans. The car screeches away. The cans RATTLE NOISILY, then slowly fade into the distance... CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT We're at a desert roadside motel, the San Bernardino Arms. A "Vacancy" light flashes. INT. MOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME Ed excitedly carries Norma over the threshold. He throws her onto the bed, and they start ardently making out. NORMA Eddie, I'm just a small-town girl. I've never done this before. ED (kissing her) Don't worry, I'll teach you. He helps her remove her wedding dress. She is very shy. NORMA Be understanding. I don't know anything. Ed removes his jacket, then gestures to his shirt. Norma nervously starts unbuttoning it. Ed bites his lip in anticipation. Norma opens the shirt... and inside, Ed is wearing a bra! Norma is horrified. NORMA What the heck is THIS?!! ED Honey, I have a little secret to share with you. CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL - SAME TIME There's a loud woman's SCREAM. Then the door slams open, and Norma runs hysterically out, clutching her dress about her. NORMA Stay away from me! You're perverted! Ed runs out after her. ED Please, be compassionate. I'm your husband! NORMA No you're not! This marriage was never consummated. I'm getting an annulment! CUT TO: EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS - LATE NIGHT Ed drives sadly through the streets, alone. His car still says "Just Married," and the tin cans RATTLE behind him. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT Ed's car pulls up. Ed stumbles out, yanks off the tin cans, and throws them in someone's trash. Ed despondently approaches Bela's. Inside, a light glows, and the dogs BARK. Ed is relieved. Bela's awake. He BANGS on the door. ED Bela, let me in! Bela, it's Eddie. He keeps BANGING. Finally the door opens -- and Bela stands there, shakily waving a gun! Bela is doped up, glassy-eyed, and disturbingly haggard. BELA Why are you here?? ED Shit! Bela, what's with the gun? BELA Why aren't you on your honeymoon? Where's Myrna? ED Norma. She changed her mind. She doesn't wanna marry me. (beat) Can you put down the gun? Bela weakly lowers the gun. INT. BELA'S Ed walks in, in a near-stupor. Needles and drug paraphernalia are scattered about ED What are you doing? BELA I was thinking about killing myself. ED Jesus Christ, what an evening. (he looks around) What happened? BELA (near tears) Eddie, I received a letter from the government. They're cutting off my unemployment. That's all I've got. Without it, I can't pay the rent... ED Don't you have any savings? BELA I'm obsolete. I have nothing to live for. Tonight, I should die. (distraught) And you should come with me. Frail Bela points the gun at Ed. Ed is terrified. ED Buddy, I don't know if that's such a good idea. BELA It'll be wonderful. We'll be at peace. In the afterlife, you don't have to worry about finding work. ED Bela, I'm on your side. C'mon, give me the gun... (he cautiously steps forward) If you give me the gun, I'll make you a drink. What are you drinking? BELA Formaldehyde. Ed stares in anguish. ED Straight up or on the rocks? Bela drops the gun. He starts weeping. Ed walks over and hugs the shaking old man. ED Don't worry. BELA I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm so sorry. ED Don't worry. Everything's gonna be all right. CUT TO: EXT. HOSPITAL - STILL LATER THAT NIGHT Ed's car pulls up at the South Metropolitan State Hospital. It's a grim, unwelcoming edifice. Ed helps weak Bela from the car. They look at each other, then Ed gingerly leads Bela in. INT. HOSPITAL - SAME TIME The lobby is clammy and dim. Ed and Bela reach the desk. A NURSE looks up, startled. NURSE My goodness, you gave me the willies. You look like that Dracula guy. BELA (very somber) My name is Bela Lugosi. I wish to commit myself. NURSE For what reason? BELA I have been a drug addict for twenty years. I need help... The nurse nods. She takes Bela's arm and leads him away. Bela glances at Ed, then steps through a wide door. As it swings shut, we see a DOCTOR walk over and shake Bela's hand. Ed stares at the door, dazed by all that's happened. He sits down in a chair, exhausted. Ed's eyes slowly close, and he falls asleep... DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL - MORNING Ed is still asleep, but now sunlight beats in. Ed stirs and wakes up. He groggily looks around, and sitting across from him is a woman, knitting. This is KATHY O'HARA, 26, solid, reflective, with a dry sense of humor. Ed peers at her. ED Hello. KATHY Hello. (beat) You're sleeping in a tuxedo. ED I got married last night. KATHY Oh. Congratulations. ED The marriage already ended. KATHY Oh. My condolences. Ed watches her knit. ED What are you making? KATHY Booties for my father. He gets cold in this hospital. ED How long's he been here? KATHY This is my thirteenth pair. Ed nods. He spots the Doctor walk by. ED Excuse me. (he runs to the Doctor) Doctor? I'm with Mr. Lugosi. How is he? DOCTOR Well... there's a lot of junk in his system for such an old man. Apparently, he was addicted to morphine, tried to kick it, and got re-addicted to methadone. ED Will he be okay? DOCTOR We'll do our best. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - NIGHT We are outside Bela's room. He can be glimpsed inside, strapped to the bed and SCREAMING in pain. He is going through painful withdrawal and shakes horribly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - ANOTHER DAY Ed strides into the hospital, wearing different clothes, and carrying a box of chocolates. He waves at the nurse. ED Hi, Lillian. NURSE (she smiles) Hi, Ed. Boy, he's got a lot of visitors today. ED He does? Ed is puzzled. He hurries back. INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY A crowd of NEWSPAPER REPORTERS and PHOTOGRAPHERS overflow Bela's room. Ed is astonished. ED What's going on here?! Excuse me! INT. HOSPITAL ROOM Decrepit Bela is propped up in his bed, as the mob of reporters throw questions at hit and SNAP shots: "Bela, how long have you been a junkie??" "Bela, look this way!" Ed angrily pushes through. ED Everybody out! This is a hospital! Get out of here. Ed forces them out, then SLAMS the door. ED What happened?! BELA (in a hoarse whisper) Isn't it wonderful? After all these years, the press is showing an interest again in Bela Lugosi. ED (surprised) Bela, they're parasites! They just want to exploit you. BELA Fine. Let them! There is no such thing as bad press. A man from New York even said he's putting me on the front page! First celebrity to ever check into rehab. (he smiles feebly) When I get out of here, I will be healthy. Strong! I will be primed for my comeback! Bela starts COUGHING heavily. Ed stares sadly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LOBBY - ANOTHER DAY Ed sits tensely in the lobby, holding vigil. Kathy O'Hara walks by. KATHY Oh, it's you again. ED Oh, hi. KATHY You look beat. ED I am. How's your father? KATHY He's better. Thank you for asking. (pause) How's your friend? ED Not good... Kathy reaches in her purse and pulls out two black booties. KATHY Well, I made him some booties to cheer him up. (beat) They're black -- to match his cape. She smiles. Ed slowly smiles in response. But this isn't his normal slick smile. It's gentler. Sincere. ED Would you maybe like to get a coffee..? DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY Ed and the Doctor stand in a doorway, talking. DOCTOR We thought Mr. Lugosi was insured though the Screen Actors Guild. ED Isn't he? DOCTOR No. They say his eligibility ran out years ago. ED Look, he doesn't have any money... but I'll give you everything I've got. I have a few hundred dollars. The Doctor shakes his head grimly. DOCTOR That won't even begin to cover it. He's going to have to leave. INT. BELA'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Bela lies sleeping in bed, pasty and pale. NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS of his hospital stay are tacked up. Ed anxiously tiptoes in. He quietly speaks. ED Bela, wake up. Bela stirs lethargically. Ed puts on a fake smile. ED I've got some good news. The doctor says you're all better. You can come home. BELA (so weak, he's barely audible) Really? I don't feel so great. ED No, you look good. And the tests came back fine. (a poignant pause) C'mon... Ed gingerly helps Bela up. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY Bela slowly gets into Ed's car. BELA Eddie, I wanna make another picture. When are we gonna make another picture? ED Soon, Bela... Soon. CUT TO: INT. CAMERA RENTAL HOUSE - DAY Ed is desperately trying to cut a deal with the OLD MANAGER. ED Please, I just need it for one afternoon! OLD MANAGER Ed, if I cut a deal for you, I gotta cut one for everybody. ED This is different! It'll mean so much to me. All I need is a camera and a tripod. No lights, no sound. Nothin' fancy. OLD MANAGER And that's it? ED And one roll of film. The old guy gives Ed a tough look. CUT TO: EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - DAY Bela is dressed in his Sunday finest, standing in front of his little house. He wears a cloak and a wide-brimmed hat. BELA This is so exciting. Another production! WE WIDEN. Out on the lawn... is just Ed. With the camera. BELA So Eddie, don't we need a sound crew? ED No, this is just the second unit. We'll do the main footage later. BELA Oh. So what is the scene about? ED (improvising) Uh... you're a very important and respected man. You're leaving your house... and you're in a hurry to a big social event. Bela nods. He mulls this over. BELA Okay. But what if I'm not in too big a hurry? What if I take a moment to slow down and savor the beauty of life? To smell a flower? ED (he smiles) That's great. Let's do a take. WIDE Bela goes in the front door. Ed gets behind the camera, then turns it ON. ED Okay, roll camera! Rolling. Scene One, Take One! (pause) And... ACTION! There's a moment. And then Bela slowly steps outside, calm, dignified, walking with a cane. He looks about -- and then something catches his eye. He leans down and picks a flower. Bela smells the flower, then abruptly drops it. He starts crying. A pause, and then he composes himself. The old man slowly shuffles out of frame. Ed peers emotionally from behind the camera. ED And, cut... BELA Eddie, how was I? ED (quiet) Perfect. Bela is pleased. BELA Good. (beat) Now what about my close up? CUT TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD DUPLEX - DUSK Ed's Nash convertible pulls up outside a neat little duplex in a nice neighborhood. Ed is dressed up for a date. He checks his hair nervously in the mirror, revealing an anxious boyishness we've never seen before. Ed carries a bouquet of flowers to the front door. He rings the bell. Kathy opens the door. She looks very pretty in a full skirt with a crinolin. KATHY Oh, flowers! I didn't know you were so traditional. ED (a little embarrassed) I just picked them up on the way over... KATHY They're very nice. (she smiles sweetly) Let me get my coat. EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT Ed and Kathy are at a tattered traveling carnival. Rattling steel rides and flashing lights spin about them. They stroll through the crowds eating cotton candy. Kathy wears one of Ed's flowers on her dress. KATHY So have you always lived in L.A.? ED No. I'm from back east. You know, All-American small town... everybody knew everybody, I was a Boy Scout, my dad worked for the post office... KATHY Sounds like you lived in Grovers Corners. INT. SPOOK HOUSE - NIGHT Ed and Kathy ride through the old mechanical spook house. KATHY Did you find it boring? ED Nah, 'cause I had my comic books. And I read pulp magazines. And I listened to the radio dramas... A wooden WITCH jumps out at them. They ignore it. KATHY Oh. I loved those shows! "Inner Sanctum"... "The Shadow" -- ED (getting excited) Yeah! Don't forget "Mercury Theatre"... And then every Saturday, I'd go to the little movie theater down the street. I even started ushering there. A creaky GHOST flies overhead. KATHY You're not gonna believe the first picture I ever saw. Your friend's. ED What do you mean? KATHY "Dracula." Ed freaks out. ED That's INCREDIBLE! That's the first picture I ever saw!! WIDE Mechanical BATS drop down and flap around them. KATHY That is incredible! (beat) You know, I had to sleep with the lights on for a week after seeing that movie. ED I had to sleep with the lights on for a month. (he smiles) But I never missed a Lugosi picture after that. KATHY A few years ago, I actually saw him do "Dracula" live. I thought he was much scarier in person. CLOSEUP - ED He starts at Kathy in wonder. He is overcome. Their car SMASHES through the tin exit doors. EXT. SPOOK HOUSE - SAME TIME Ed and Kathy's little car comes to a stop. He gets very serious. ED Kathy, I'm about to tell you something I've never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know. (beat) I like to wear women's clothes. KATHY Huh? ED I like to wear women's clothes: Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps... it's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you, but I really like you, and I don't want it getting in the way down the road. Kathy is amazed. She contemplates all this. KATHY Does this mean you don't like sex with girls? ED No! I love sex with girls. KATHY Oh. Okay. ED (surprised) Okay? Kathy slyly grins. KATHY Okay. Ed grins back. A moment. CUT TO: INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY Ed is on the telephone. We SPLIT-SCREEN with Vampira. ED (on phone) Vampira! Hi, it's Ed Wood. VAMPIRA (on phone) Ed, I told you, I don't wanna go out! ED No, don't worry, I moved on. I was just calling to see if you want to attend the world premiere of my new film, "Bride Of The Monster." VAMPIRA (confused) Didn't you just make one called "Bride Of The Atom"? ED It's the same film. But the distributor wanted a punchier title. C'mon! It's gonna be a big event -- we're going all out! Bela, Tor, and Cris are coming. You'll have fun! Vampira rolls her eyes. CUT TO: EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Hundreds of KIDS and TEENAGERS enter a dilapidated second-run theater. A banner says "'Bride Of The Monster' World Premiere! Celebrities In Person!" EXT. DARK CITY STREET - SAME TIME An antique limousine HEARSE drives down a dingy street. INT. HEARSE Ed drives. Tor, ill Bela, Vampira, and Criswell are crammed in with him, along with bewildered Kathy. Everyone is dressed in gaudy "scary" outfits. Tor wears his frightening WHITE CONTACT LENSES. TOR My eyes are killink me. ED Don't worry. We're almost there. BELA (still hoarse) Eddie, where are we? We passed that carwash twenty minutes ago. CRISWELL I predict we're lost. VAMPIRA (to Bela) Hey! You wanna watch the hands?? Bela sheepishly removes his hand from her thigh. BELA Sorry... ED (he looks around, baffled) Has anyone ever been to Downey? INT. MOVIE THEATER - SAME TIME The audience is so restless, they're practically rioting. They CLAP AND CHANT angrily. A fat patronizing MANAGER steps on stage. THEATER MANAGER Children, if you don't calm down, there won't be the entertainment. ANGRY KID It was supposed to start an hour ago! INT. HEARSE - SAME TIME Tempers are flaring. TOR My eyes are burnink. KATHY Hey look! There's the theater. TOR Where? I can't see nothink! EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The hearse pulls up. A FRANTIC USHER runs over. FRANTIC USHER Thank God, you're here! They're tearing the place apart! The gang awkwardly steps out of the hearse. Tor gets out and blindly walks straight into a lamp post. WHACK! He yelps. TOR Ow. Bela moves slowly, very feeble. Vampira smooths out her slinky black dress, then puts her arm around Bela to help him. FRANTIC USHER C'mon! This way! INT. THEATER - SAME TIME Criswell points Tor in the right direction, and the group stumbles in. Ed escorts excited Kathy. KATHY I've never been to a premiere before. The Usher opens the auditorium doors. INSIDE It's PANDEMONIUM. People are screaming and shouting. Kids jump up and down, on top of the chairs. Bela, Tor, Vaspira, and Criswell are alarmed. The lights dim on and off. Scratchy SPOOKY MUSIC blasts over the sound system. ED Wow. Go knock 'em dead! Criswell pushes blind Tor towards the stage. Tor sticks out his arms and scarily staggers down the aisle. Criswell nervously follows. Vampira escorts Bela. The crowd BOOS. They pelt our gang with popcorn. Tor GROWLS like a monster. Kids LAUGH and jeer. ON ED AND KATHY In back, Ed speaks in a frightening manner into a MICROPHONE: ED (amplified) Ooooo! At the stroke of midnight, the witching hour, the ghouls arise from the dead! DOWN THE AISLE Tor slips in some butter. He tumbles and falls. A WOMAN'S VOICE cackles. WOMAN'S VOICE It's the blind leading the blind! Tor staggers to his feet. All disoriented, he starts walking the wrong direction and falls over a chair. People HECKLE. Criswell quickly helps his up. TOR Dis is a nightmare. CRISWELL It's show biz. Criswell pushes Tor in the right direction. Some roughnecks knock down Criswell and snatch his wallet. A MEAN BOY jumps on his chair, ripping the stuffing out of the seat. He throws the fibers in the air, and they float over Bela and Vampira. BELA What is that? VAMPIRA I think they're getting ready to burn this place down. A HIGH SCHOOL PUNK runs up and grabs Vampira's breasts. HIGH SCHOOL PUNK Hey Vampira, how 'bout a little love? VAMPIRA Fuck off! She impulsively swings her arm and SLAMS the kid. ON STAGE The Manager pleads to the mob. THEATER MANAGER Children, please! Be calm! Somebody throws a bottle and HITS him in the head. He goes down. WIDE The lights suddenly go off. Some girls SCREAM. Ed's panicked. He grabs Kathy and runs down to his friends. ED C'mon! We're getting the hell out of here! Ed rounds up Bela, Tor, Criswell, and Vampira. The crowd BOOS louder. Blind Tor is totally confused. TOR What is happening? ED We're escaping! The group runs up the aisle and leaves. As the doors close, "Bride Of The Monster" starts unspooling on the screen. EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The gang frantically runs out, scared for their lives. They look over. Some JUVENILE DELINQUENTS are stripping the hearse. VAMPIRA We're gonna die. The theater doors CRASH open. The angry mob pours out. Ed spins wildly around... and sees a cab approaching. ED Stop! KATHY STOP! Kathy runs frenziedly into the street and throws herself at the cab. It screeches to a halt. Everybody sprints over and jumps in. The cab ROARS away. INT. CAB - SAME TIME All of them are breathing heavily. They watch in the rear window as they drive away from the rampage. A nervous silence. Until Bela speaks. BELA Now that was a premiere. All of them LAUGH. CUT TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY Bela and Ed stroll down the street, in high spirits. Bela smokes a big fat cigar. BELA Last night was quite a romp. ED Did you see that kid grab Vampira's tits? BELA I envied him. (he chuckles) Hell, I envied you too, having a girlfriend that would jump in front of a car like that. ED Yeah, she's really somethin'. BELA I know none of my wives would've. Ed laughs. Bela puffs his cigar. BELA Eddie, I want to thank you. These last few days have been a good time. ED I just wish you coulda seen the movie. BELA No problem. I know it by heart... Bela stops walking. And in a BOOMING, THEATRICAL VOICE, he suddenly launches into his impassioned, climactic speech from "Bride Of The Monster." BELA "Home. I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people... a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!" Ed is touched. A few people around them APPLAUD. Bela's face lights up, proud. An awed MIDWESTERN TOURIST hands him a pen and paper. TOURIST Mr. Lugosi, could I have your autograph? BELA Certainly. TOURIST Boy, that was incredible. You're just as good an actor as you always were. Bela puffs out his chest majestically. BELA Better. (beat) I'm seventy-four, but I don't know it. If the brain is young, then the spirit is still vigorous... like a young man. Bela turns and smiles wanly at Ed. Ed smiles back. CUT TO: INT. ED'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Ed and Kathy stand in his kitchen, making dinner. She sticks her finger in a pot. KATHY Ed, this spaghetti sauce is delicious. ED Thanks. It's actually the only thing I know how to make. (he motions) Hey, can you grab that strainer? She holds a strainer. Ed pours the spaghetti over it. Suddenly the PHONE rings. Ed groans. ED Ugh! Always at the wrong time. (he ANSWERS the phone) Hello? He listens. And then, he gets a very somber expression. ED Oh no... Ed HANGS UP the phone. He looks pained. KATHY What was that? ED (quiet) Bela died. CUT TO: INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY It's Bela's funeral. Ed sits crying in the front row, with Kathy at his side. All Bela's friends are there. They're very subdued. THE CASKET Bela lies inside, made up in his full Dracula outfit. His hair is died black, and he wears the famous cape. EXT. HOLY CROSS CEMETERY - DAY On a grassy hill, Bela is laid to rest. The small crowd of mourners stands silhouetted against the dark gray clouds. The coffin is lowered into the ground. Ed stands at the front, silently watching. AT A DISTANCE A few TABLOID PHOTOGRAPHERS snap pictures. PHOTOGRAPHER #1 Whose crazy idea was it to bury him in the cape? PHOTOGRAPHER #2 I heard it was in the will. It was how he wanted to be remembered. CUT TO: INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY Ed is alone in a darkened screening room, depressed. Playing on the SCREEN is the last footage of Bela: Bela stumbles around in front of his house and smells the flower. Ed drinks out of a flask. The film runs out. A VOICE comes over a loudspeaker. VOICE Do you want me to run it again? Ed silently nods. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ed's apartment has gone to hell. Ed is in a robe, unshaven and clutching a bottle of whiskey. Newspapers are everywhere. Bela's and Ed's dogs eat out of the trash. Kathy tries to straighten things up. Ed stares listlessly. ED I'd seen him in a coffin so many times, I expected him to jump out... KATHY Ed, you've got to snap out of this. Bela's dead -- you're not! ED I might as well be. I made shitty movies that nobody wanted to see. (beat) I blew it. All he wanted was a comeback... that last glory... KATHY Well you tried -- ED (angry) I was a fuckin' HACK! I let people recut the movies, cast their relatives... (beat) I let Bela down... CUT TO: EXT. ED'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A new Studebaker pulls up. A bumper sticker says "JESUS SAVES" A man in a plain brown suit steps out. This is J. EDWARD REYNOLDS, 50, Ed's santironious southern Christian landlord. Reynolds assertively bangs on Ed's front door. REYNOLDS Mr. Wood?! ED (O.S.) Hruphh...? REYNOLDS Mr. Wood, this is Mr. Reynolds, your landlord. Could you please open up? The door opens a crack. Bleary Ed peers out. ED Yeah...? REYNOLDS Mr. Wood, you have bounced your third and final rent check. ED (he sloppily lies) I'm real sorry. My stockbroker must have transferred the wrong account... C'mon in, I'll write you another one. INT. APARTMENT - SAME TIME Ed motions Reynolds in. Reynolds peers unsurely at the tornado inside. Then he notices a framed one-sheet for "BRIDE OF THE MONSTER." Reynolds admires it. REYNOLDS Hmm, so you're in the picture business? ED (rummaging for a check) You could say that -- REYNOLDS I'm interested in the picture business. My associates and I wish to produce a series of uplifting religious films, on the Apostles. But unfortunately, we don't have enough money. ED (distracted) Raising money is tough. REYNOLDS Oh! Our church has the money for one film. We just don't have it for all twelve... ANGLE - ED His eyes suddenly pop. The color comes back to his fact. A plan is quickly boiling over inside Ed's head. He starts feverishly pacing around. ED Okay -- you know what you do? You produce a film in a commercially proven genre. And after it's a hit, you take the profits from that, and make the twelve Apostles' movies. REYNOLDS Would that work? ED Absolutely! You see this script..? Ed randomly grabs a script off the messy floor, then glances down, to see which one he picked up. It says "Graverobbers From Outer Space." ED "Graverobbers From Outer Space"! It's money in the bank. REYNOLDS Graverobbers from what?? ED From outer space! It's science- fiction. Very big with the kids! If you make this picture, you'll have enough money to finance a HUNDRED religious films! (beat) And pay my back rent from the profits. Reynolds scratches his head. REYNOLDS I don't know... this is all a lot to absorb. ED It's a guaranteed blockbuster! REYNOLDS Um, I understand that this science friction is popular -- but don't the big hits always have big stars? ED (in a frenzy) Yeah, well we've GOT a big star! Bela Lugosi!! REYNOLDS (mystified) Lugosi??! Didn't be pass on? Ed grins maniacally. He grabs a SMALL REEL of 35mm film. ED Yes, but I've got the last footage he ever shot! REYNOLDS Just, it doesn't look like very much. ED It's plenty! It's the acorn that will grow a great oak. I'll just find a double to finish his scenes, and we'll release it as "Bela Lugosi's Final Film" A beat. Reynolds stares, intrigued... CUT TO: INT. ED'S APARTMENT - LATER The place is cleaned-up. Ed shouts excitedly into the phone. ED Bunny! We're making another film! Yeah -- I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash! Paul sticks his head in. PAUL MARCO Ed, I got the Lugosi lookalikes outside. ED Great! Bring 'em in! Bunny, I gotta run. Ed hangs up. Paul leads in THREE. They look nothing like Bela. One is a HOMELESS BUM, one is a SHORT FAT MAN, and one is CHINESE. Ed inspects them. ED Too tall... too short... (he glances at the Chinese guy) And this guy doesn't work at all. PAUL MARCO Well I was thinkin' like, when Bela played "Fu Manchu." ED That was Karloff. (beat) Paul, you gotta try harder. I don't want this film to be haif-assed. This time, we go for the quality. Paul turns to go. ED And by the way, keep Sunday free. The producers want all of us to get baptized. CUT TO: INT. KATHY'S APARTMENT - DAY Kathy reads a newspaper while knitting an angora sweater. Ed is typing deliriously fast -- in one of his artistic fevers. ED You know, when you rewrite a script, it just gets better and better! KATHY Do you want your buttons on the left or the right? ED The left. It's more natural. (he squints at his script) Hey, I've got a scene where the aliens have the ultimate bomb. What would that be made of? KATHY Uh, atomic energy? ED No. They're beyond that! They're smarter than the humans. What's more advanced? KATHY Dynamite -- ED No, BIGGER! What's the biggest energy?? KATHY The sun. ED (ecstatic) Yes! BINGO! Solar energy! Oh that's gonna seem so scientific. (he resumes TYPING) This movie's gonna be the ultimate Ed Wood film. No compromises. Kathy suddenly jumps up, shocked. KATHY Oh my God. Look at this! She runs over and shows Ed the newspaper. INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER A small headline says "VAMPIRA REVEALED TO BE RED." Underneath is the story: "Channel 7 has fired popular horror hostess Vampira, after learning of her suspected communist leanings..." ON ED AND KATHY They're astonished. ED Those assholes. KATHY The poor girl's out of a job. ED Yeah... (he looks up) I should give her a call. CUT TO: INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Ed and Kathy sit with a shaken-up Vampira. ED I'm really sorry... VAMPIRA It's terrible. People won't even return my calls. It's like I don't exist. ED I know what that's like. (he pulls out his SCRIPT) Anyway, I brought a copy of the script. You would play the "Ghoul's Wife." VAMPIRA (she grimaces) The Ghoul's Wife?! God, I can't believe I'm doing this... KATHY You should feel lucky. Ed's the only guy in town who doesn't pass judgment on people. ED (he laughs) Hell, if I did, I wouldn't have any friends. Vampira smiles uncomfortably. VAMPIRA Look... would it be possible to make the "Ghoul's Wife" a little less prominent, so people won't really notice me in the movie? ED You don't wanna be noticed? VAMPIRA Exactly. Hey, how 'bout this -- what if I don't have any lines? I'll do the part mute! Kathy suddenly sees someone. KATHY Look, it's Dr. Tom. (she SHOUTS) Hey, Dr. Tom! ED Who's Dr. Tom? KATHY My chiropractor! DR. TOM MASON, a tall, slender 35-year-old chiropractor, strides over. He smiles. DR. MASON Kathy, how are you?! You're looking in alignment today. KATHY Actually, my neck's a little funny. Dr. Mason grabs Kathy's neck and CRACKS it loudly. ON ED Ed stares at the Doctor in astonishment. Ed is riveted. ED Wait a second. Don't move! Ed excitedly jumps up, takes his NAPXIN, and covers the Doctor's face from the nose down. ED It's uncanny. VAMPIRA What's uncanny? ED LOOK AT HIS SKULL! CUT TO: INT. BAPTIST CHURCH OF BEVERLY HILLS - DAY Services are in progress. J. Edward Reynolds leads a CHOIR singing an emotional SPIRITUAL. Ed, Tor, Criswell, Paul, Conrad, Vampira, Kathy, Bunny, and Dr. Tom Mason sit in back. They're all wearing white robes and arguing about the doctor. TOR He look nutink like Bela! CONRAD He's kinds got his ears. TOR You're stupid! KATHY No, cover up his face. Kathy lifts Dr. Mason's robe over his bewildered face. CRISWELL Ah! Now I see it. DR. MASON (goofily imitating Bela) "I want to suck your blood!" Everybody CRACKS up. Ed waves his arms. ED SHHH! We want these Baptists to like us. Like bad kids, they quiet down. Ingenuous Southern REVEREND LYN LEMON speaks up front. REVEREND LEMON Brothers and Sisters, we've reached a special part of the service. The baptism of our new members! (beat) If the congregation will oblige, we'd like to adjourn and reconvene at Emma DuBois's back yard. EXT. BACKYARD - DAY The straight-laced, devout CONGREGATION is gathered around a large SWIMMING POOL. Reverend Lemon, Reynolds, and our misfits stand in the shallow end, in their white robes. Criswell whispers to Vampira. CRISWELL Why couldn't we do this in the church? VAMPIRA Because "Brother Torî couldn't fit in the sacred tub. MONTAGE: THE REVEREND BAPTIZES ED REVEREND LEMON ...Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior? ED I do. Reynolds DUNKS Ed in the water. THE REVEREND BAPTIZES BUNNY REVEREND LEMON ...Do you reject Satan and all his works? BUNNY (hiding a smirk) I do. Reynolds DUNKS Bunny. THE REVEREND BAPTIZES TOR REVEREND LEMON ...Do you repent for all your sins? TOR I do. Tor winks slyly at Criswell. Reynolds DUNKS Tor. But Tor slips from Reynolds' grasp and sinks to the bottom of the pool. REYNOLDS Oh my God, I dropped him -- Tor lies on the bottom, staring lifeinsly. CRISWELL (mischievous) I don't think he's coming up! REVEREND LEMON Lord no! The man's drowning! REYNOLDS (scared) What do we do?! REVEREND LEMON Help! HELP!!! The whole Congregation starts JUMPING IN. Men and women in their Sunday finest leap into the pool and start tugging on Tor. But nobody can budge the big whale. REVEREND LEMON (near tears) Dear Jesus, please forgive us! ON TOR He suddenly rises, Poseidon-like, from the pool. Tor spits out water, then lets out a hearty BELLY LAVGH. TOR Tor make good joke! The Baptists aren't amused. CUT TO: INT. CITY BUS - MORNING A bus drives along. Every PASSENGER stares at something up front -- Vampira, in her slinky black outfit. She reads a "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" script. EXT. SCUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD - SAME TIME The bus stops in a scary, run-down neighborhood. Vampira off and warily looks around. VAMPIRA This can't be the right address... She nervously walks down a dingy alley. Vampira gets to an unmarked grimy door, gulps, then slowly opens it... INT. WAREHOUSE SOUNDSTAGE - DAY And inside is the "Grave Robbers From Outer Space" famous CEMETERY SET! The film is in production! Packed into a stinking little studio are a few scrawny twigs, branches, and flimsy cardboard tombstones set against a black drop. Tot struts about gregariously, in his "Inspector Clay" suit. He chats up the CREW. TOR I am so happy! Finally I am star wit dialogue! I memorized every wordt. Eddie will be so proud! The Baptists chase Ed around. They wave the script. REYNOLDS Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions -- REVEREND LEMON The script refers on numerous occasions to graverobbing. Now we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground highly offensive. It's blasphemy. ED (very annoyed) What are you talking about?! It's the premise of the movie. It's even the title, for Christ's sake! REVEREND LEMON (shocked) Mr. Wood! REYNOLDS Yes, about that title, it strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don't we change it to "Plan Nine From Outer Space"? Ed shakes his head. ED That's ridiculous! WIPE TO: CEMETERY SET They're filming the COPS arriving at the pitch-black cemetery. There's a prop police car, and an assistant blows fog in. ED And, ACTION! Tor steps onto the set TOR (as Inspector Clay) "Medicul eksaminer been aroundt yet?" COP "Just left. The morgue wagon oughta be along most any time." TOR "You get statement frumk vitnesses?" COP "Yeah, but they're pretty scared." TOR "Findink mess like dis oughta make anyone frightened. Have one of da boyz take dem back to town. You take jarge." ON THE CREW Everybody grices, trying to understand Tor. The SCRIPT GIRL shakes her head. The Baptists angrily pull Ed aside. REYNOLDS What'd you give him all the lines for?? He's unintelligible! ED Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira won't talk. Ihad to give somebody the dialogue. REVEREND LEMON That's not an answer. WIPE TO: ANOTHER SCENE BEING SHOT - LATER As Inspector Clay, Tor wanders around the "cemtery," waving his flashlight and nervously fingering his gun. Ed grins at the Baptists. ED See, no talking. Isn't he good? (he grabs his MEGAPHONE) CUE DR. TOM! DR. TOM (o.s.) Now? ED YES, NOW! LURK HIM. AND BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED! The door of a large paper-mache crypt creeps open. Dr. Tom uncertainly steps out, impersonating Bela. He holds the cape over his face and stalks Tor. Ed is pleased as punch. He whispers to the Baptists. ED Isn't it wonderful? Bela lives! REVEREND LEMON Doesn't this strike you as a bit morbid? ED No, he would've loved it! Bela's returned from the grave -- like Dracula. (he grabs the MEGAPHONE) CUE VAMPIRA! Vampira steps out, walking in a trance. Tor is now cornered. He fruitlessly FIRES his gun, but bullets can't stop zombies. Vampira and Dr. Tom kill him. Tor screams. WIPE TO: ANOTHER SCENE GETS SHOT - LATER Paul and Conrad are scared cops exploring the cemetery. CONRAD (as a cop) "Let's go down and find out whose grave it is." PAUL MARCO (as a cop) "Why do I always get hooked up with these spook details? Monsters! Graves! Bodies!" ED CUE THE FLYING SAUCER, RAY! Off-stage, a grip on a ladder pans a 10K SEARCHLIGHT. The LIGHT crosses the actors. They look up in horror, then clumsily fall down. A rickety fake tombstone tips over. ED And PERFECT. CUT! REYNOLDS (freaking out) "Perfect"? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?! ED I like to think so. REYNOLDS That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony! ED People won't notice. Filmmaking isn't about picky details -- it's about the big picture. REYNOLDS Oh, you wanna talk about the "big picture"?! How 'bout that the policemen arrive in the daylight, but now it's suddenly night??? Ed suddenly flips out. He's livid. ED YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! Haven't you ever heard of "suspension of disbelief"?! A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN walks up. He smiles at the Baptists, STRAPPING YOUNG MAN Reverend, I'm here. ED (baffled) Who's he? REVEREND LEMON This is our choir director. He's gonna play the young hero. ED (furious) Are you IN5ANE? I'm the director! I make the casting decisions around here! REVEREND LEMON I thought this was a group effort. ED NOOOOO!!! Ed spastically storms away. INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME Ed bursts in. He paces about, hysterically traumatized. ED They're driving me crazy! These Baptists are stupid, stupid, STUPID! Ed glances at a clothing rack -- and sees an ANGORA SWEATER. Ed is taken aback. He slowly removes it from the hanger and rubs it against his face. His breathing slows. ED Mmm. I need to calm... Take deep breaths... (he rubs the angora) Ohh, it's so smooth... INT. SOUNDSTAGE - SAME TIME The dressing room door flies open. Ed slowly struts out, in the sweater, pantsuit, and pumps. He is calmed and at ease. The stage quiets. People are staring. ED Okay, everyone! Let's set up for Scene 112! Move the crypt stage left and get ready with Tor's make-up effect. The crew resumes working. But the Baptists charge up, aghast. REVEREND LEMON Mr. Wood? What do you think you're doing?! ED I'm directing. REYNOLDS Not like THAT, you're not! REVEREND LEMON Remove that get-up immediately. You shame our Lord. Ed throws up his hands. ED That's it. I give up! CUT TO: EXT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY Ed frantically marches out of the building. He's still in his ladies' outfit. Ed sees a cab and WHISTLES loudly. The cab pulls over. Ed jumps in. ED Take me to the nearest bar. CUT TO: INT. MUSSO & FRANKS - DAY The place is quiet, mid-morning. Frazzled Ed enters and sits at the bar. ED Imperial whiskey, straight up. The bartender nonchalantly pours a shot. Ed takes the drink. He quietly sips his booze and reflects upon his day. Ed glances around. And then, suddenly -- his eyes widen. Sitting at a table is ORSON WELLES! The portly, world-famous filmmaker sits alone, eating lunch with one hand and drawing STORYBOARDS with the other. Ed is thunderstruck. ED Oh my God. It's Orson Welles... Ed nervously stands. He starts to step forward -- when he catches his own reflection in a mirror. He's still in drag. ED Oh shit. Ed rolls his eyes. He runs his hand through his hair, then slowly approaches Orson Welles. Ed is terrified. ED Excuse me, Sir...? ORSON WELLES (he casually looks up) Yes? ED Uh, uh, I'm a young filmmaker, and a really big fan... and I just wanted to meet you. ORSON WELLES (he extends his hand) My pleasure. I'm Orson Welles. ED Oh. Um, I'm Ed Wood! (he smiles anxiously) So, what are you working on now? ORSON WELLES Eh, the financing just fell through for the third time on "Don Quixote." So I'm trying to finish a promo for something else. But I can't find the soundtrack -- (he shrugs) I think I left it in Malta. Ed is astonished. ED I can't believe it. These sound like my problems! ORSON WELLES It's the damn money men. You never know who's a windbag, and who's got the goods. And then they all think they're a director... ED Ain't that the truth! I've even bad producers recut my movies -- ORSON WELLES Ugh, I hate when that happens. ED (on a roll) And they always want to cast their buddies -- it doesn't even matter if they're right for the part! ORSON WELLES Tell me about it. I'm supposed to do a thriller at Universal, and they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican! Ed shakes his head. He's discouraged. ED Mr. Welles, is it all worth it? ORSON WELLES It is when it works. (solemn) You know the one film of mine I can stand to watch? "Kane." The studio hated it... but they didn't get to touch a frame. (he smiles warmly) Ed, visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else's dreams? CLOSEUP - ED He has seen God. ED Wow. CUT TO: INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY Ed bursts onto the stage, a changed man. Re-energized, he confidently grabs the Baptists. ED Mr. Reynolds! REYNOLDS Yes? ED We are gonna finish this film just the way I want it! Because you can't compromise an artist's vision! REVEREND LEMON (flustered) B-but it's our money -- ED And you're gonna make a bundle. This movie's gonna be famous! But only if you SHUT UP, and let me do it my way! Reynolds and Rev. Lemon are speechiess. CLOSEUP - ED He beams, turns and SHOUTS TRIUMPHANTLY into the soundstage. ED ALRIGHT! ACTORS IN POSITION! LET'S FINISH THIS PICTURE!! WIPE TO: "PLAN 9" MONTAGE: SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET Tor plays a zombie rising from the dead. He wears the scary white contact lenses. Tor's so big, he has trouble lifting himself from the grave. EDITING ROOM Ed and his stock footage buddy watch a moviola. ED Okay, I want that tank! And I want that bomb! SOUNDSTAGE Harry paints Bunny's face GREEN, like a Martian. Ed yells. ED NO! The aliens should look like people. MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I'm tellin' ya, aliens are always green. ED Not in my movie, they're not! SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET Bunny's make-up is now normal. He wears an alien suit. A HAMMY ALIEN enters and salutes with a bizarre crossing gesture. BUNNY "What plan will we follow?" HAMMY ALIEN "Plan Nine." BUNNY "Plan Nine..." (he consults his papers) "Ah yes. Plan Nine deals with the resurrection of the dead." SCENE IN THE CEMETERY Tor staggers up to Paul Marco and CLOBBERS him. OFF-STAGE Ed smiles at the Baptists. ED Maybe you guys were right. "Plan Nine" is a good title. MINIATURE CITY SET Ed shoots the famous flying saucers. Paul holds a paper plate and Conrad lights it on fire. The "saucer" soars on fishing line over a little miniature town. SCENE IN THE BEDROOM SET Dr. Tom glides in, his cape over his face. A woman SCREAMS. COCKPIT SET Ed stands in front of a masonite board and two chairs. An actor playing the AIRPLANE PILOT walks up. PILOT Where's the cockpit set? ED You're standing in it. (he yells off) Alright, bring in the shower curtain! A shower curtain gets lowered into the doorway. EXT. DUSTY ROAD A car zooms by. Kathy drives, as Ed shoots handheld out the back window. SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET Th Hammy Alien argues with the humans. PILOT "So what if we develop this solarnite bomb? We'd be even a stronger nation." HAMMY ALIEN "Stronger? You see! You see!! Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!" PILOT "That's all I'm taking from you." He WHACKS the alien. A brawl breaks out. SCENE WITH CRISWELL Criswell lectures behind a desk, with mysterious lighting CRISWELL "Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it. For they will be from outer space." SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET The famous shot: Tor and Vampira walk in a trance through foggy cemetery. Off-stage, Ed stands with the crew. He shouts gleefully. ED More fog! More fog!! (he beams) And CUT! PRINT IT! IT'S A WRAP! END MONTAGE. CUT TO: EXT. CITY - NIGHT It's pouring rain. Standing in the drench is Ed. He's wearing a tux, and fighting with his open convertible top. The Rambler is filled with water. Kathy stands under an awning. She wears a pretty gown. ED I can't get it to go up. KATHY Ed, you're gonna miss your own premiere. ED (he gives up) C'mon! Let's just go. Ed impulsively opens the car door. Water pours out. Kathy scurries out and jumps in the wet car with him. EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT The rain is gushing down. The marquee proclaims "WORLD PREMIERE: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!" People hurry in. Ed and Kathy roar up in the open convertible, totally soaked. He jumps out, opens her door, and they run inside. INT. THEATER - NIGHT The theater is packed. All the gang, and their friends and families, are gathered. Criswell stands on-stage, speaking into a mike. CRISWELL You are about to see en extraordinary motion picture. But before it begins, I think we ought to give a hand to the man without whom we wouldn't be here tonight... Eddie, take a bow! The crowd ERUPTS in applause. Everybody goes crazy -- even the Baptists. People YELL "Speech! Speech!" Ed smiles proudly. Kathy kisses him. Ed runs down front, hugs Criswell, then takes the microphone. ED Thanks a million. I just wanna say... this film is for Bela. The lights dim. DISSOLVE TO: MINUTES LATER The title "PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE" is projected onto the screen. As random IMAGES from the film play out, we drift over the happy faces of our friends watching. Paul and Conrad stare, enthralled. Tor laughs as he sees himself. Vampira giggles. Bunny nudges her playfully. Criswell mouths his own lines. ON SCREEN Bela appears, in his little suit. In the last footage he ever shot, he shuffles around in front of his house, then tenderly smells the flower. ON ED He watches, entranced. Then he smiles to himself. ED This is the one. I know I'll be remembered for this film. CUT TO: INT. THEATER LOBBY - LATER The BOISTEROUS crowd is in high spirits. People congratulate Ed and pat him on the back. "It was great!" "It's your best one yet!" "Bela would've loved it!" Ed drifts through the crowd, basking in the glory. It's like a wonderful dream. EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME The rain comes down in sheets. The doors burst open, and Ed and Kathy run out. KATHY Ed, I'm so happy for you. ED Let's get married. KATHY (startled) Huh?! ED Right now. Let's drive to Vegas! KATHY But it's pouring. And the car top is stuck! ED (he gives his killer grin) So? It's only a five-hour drive. And it'll probably clear up, once we hit the desert. Heck, it'll probably clear up once we drive around the corner. I promise. Kathy stares in disbelief. Then she smiles. They kiss. Ed and Kathy jump into the open convertible. The engine starts, and they drive away, disappearing into the pouring rain. A moment. And then, we move up, up, into the black clouds. Lightning CRACKS across the sky. OPTICAL: We slowly PULL OUT from the sky, move through a window... and we're back inside INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT Criswell is sitting inside his coffin. He stares at us. CRISWELL My friend, you have just seen the story of Edward D. Wood, Junior. Stranger than fact... and yet every incident based on sworn testimony. (his eyes gleam) A man. A life. Can you prove it didn't happen? A beat, to ponder this. And then Criswell slowly lies back in his coffin, and the lid mysteriously closes over him. FADE OUT. THE END

ARAC ATTACK (Eight Legged Freaks) by Jesse Alexander & Ellory Elkayem July 2000 Draft FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY ARAC ATTACK! FADE IN: EXT. DESERT - NIGHT A rabbit hops across rough terrain. EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT) - NIGHT Three trucks from Chemical Technologies carry barrels of toxic waste. They pass a sign: PROSPERITY, NEVADA, POP 454. INT. THIRD TRUCK (HIGHWAY, DESERT) - NIGHT A sleepy trucker called PIG PEN drives the third truck. SELF-HELP TAPE (V.O.) I will be self-assured and confident around women. PIG PEN I will be self-assured and confident around women. EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT) - NIGHT The rabbit stops at the edge of the road. The first truck speeds past. Then the second. The rabbit crosses the highway in front of the third. INT. THIRD TRUCK (HIGHWAY, DESERT) - NIGHT SELF-HELP TAPE (V.O.) I will not fear the unexpected. PIG PEN I will not fear the unexpected. The rabbit appears in the road, frozen by headlights. PIG PEN Ahhhhhhhhhh! Pig Pen jams on his brakes and swerves to avoid the bunny. EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT) - NIGHT The truck slews crazily. Missing the bunny by a whisker. 2. INT. THIRD TRUCK (BRIDGE, DESERT) - NIGHT Pig Pen sees a bridge ahead. If he doesn't regain control, he will crash. At the last second, he gets the rig together. EXT. BRIDGE (DESERT) - THIRD TRUCK - NIGHT The rim of a wheel tags the curb. One of those toxic waste barrels falls out of the back and plunges to the water below. EXT. DRAINAGE DITCH - NIGHT A biohazard warning label is legible as the barrel slips beneath the surface. Glowing toxic waste seeps from a gash in its side. Spreading through the pool like neon ink. EXT. DRAINAGE DITCH - DAY The ditch is littered with garbage. The DRONE of INSECTS. No visible traces of toxic waste. A butterfly net sweeps through the air to capture an oversized horsefly. JOSHUA TAFT (70s), scrutinizes the bug. This old codger is more comfortable studying bugs than socializing with people. JOSHUA Hey, Mike. Check this one out. MIKE PALMER (12) steps over for a look. Puberty hit hard and fast for this bright, little nerd. MIKE He's huge! JOSHUA They've been like this all week. Must be something extra tasty in the water. MIKE Like what? JOSHUA Dead coyote. Snake maybe. Back in the 'Nam we'd eat python with a dash of habanero sauce. Mighty satisfying. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: MIKE You ate snake? JOSHUA When you're thirty klicks out from the nearest firebase. Humpin' through the wake-up with your finger on the trigger. Charlie doesn't give you time to stop for cutlet. As Mike skims his own net over the water, he glimpses a familiar barrel at the bottom of the pool. The brightly- colored biohazard warning label is clearly visible. EXT. ROAD - JOSHUA'S HOUSE - DAY Two bicycles are parked outside a cabin in the middle of nowhere. INT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE - DAY The decor is an odd mix of Vietnam era war relics and homegrown scientist. Charlie the Parrot sits on a perch. CHARLIE (V.O.) Charlie, don't surf! JOSHUA Quiet, bird. We're working. Mike and Joshua stand near the spider tanks. A dozen aquariums on low shelves. Each glass tank replicates a specific environment: jungle, desert, cavern, pond, etc. JOSHUA (dims tank lights) The sun is going down, my nocturnal hunters. It's time to come out and feed. Mike watches Joshua deposit bugs into each spider tank. MIKE Yeah. They're definitely getting bigger. JOSHUA I've calculated a growth factor of twelve percent over the last forty-eight hours. But that seems to be accelerating. (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: MIKE All from eating these bugs? Maybe I should try some. Mike pauses at the desert tank, watching a cricket search for food. A trap-door spider pops out of its camouflaged den like a jack-in-the-box. The arachnid yanks the cricket below and replaces the roof in a nanosecond. Mike looks in another tank where ogre-eyed spitting spiders shoot blasts of paralyzing goo at hapless insects. MIKE Run, little guys. JOSHUA They can't outrun the food chain. MIKE I could get away. JOSHUA Imagine yourself the size of that fly. A scytodes spitter would be as big as a Cadillac. You'd be spider chow, kid. Mike looks in a tank where jumpers chase fleeing crickets. He moves toward another tank that is covered with a towel. MIKE Are the new tarantulas in here? JOSHUA Took me forever to get a breeding set of Chilean reds. I must have bribed every customs agent from Vegas to Santiago. Joshua unveils the tank. Dirt floor. Several burrow entrances. Joshua pours in the bugs. A large, male tarantula comes out of a burrow. It pounces on a bug, then wraps its prey in webbing, turning the insect into a mummy-like bundle. MIKE That is too cool. JOSHUA Male tarantulas compete for the female's attention. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: JOSHUA (CONT'D) Each one tries to bring her the best present. Bugs, rats, even the occasional parrot. CHARLIE SQUAWKS. JOSHUA The prey is cocooned alive so she can eat them in her nest. You know how women love breakfast in bed. Joshua leads Mike to the back of the tank. A network of subterranean tunnels is revealed. The male tarantulas scuttle through carrying their mummified offerings. JOSHUA Take a look, the female of the species is three times as big as the male. Mike peers into a large den. The female tarantula steps out of the shadows. This is Consuela, the Chilean red tarantula. JOSHUA Say hello to Consuela. Mike watches Consuela unwrap one of the mummified bundles. She begins to eat the paralyzed insect within. JOSHUA She fills her prey with digestive acid to liquify the internal organs. Now watch... She'll drink her victim from the inside out. While it's still alive! MIKE (looks queasy) And you wonder why my mom doesn't like me hanging out with you. JOSHUA Arachnids have been roaming the earth for millions of years. And they'll be here long after the human race is dead and buried. Suddenly Consuela lunges at the glass. Mike recoils. MIKE Bad! Bad Consuela! Consuela backs up, apparently she can be intimidated. 6. TARANTULA POV - MIKE The multi-eyed spider's PANORAMIC VISION. Mike looms large at the edge of the glass, wagging his finger. BACK TO MIKE Mike stares into the many eyes of Consuela. MIKE Do that again and I feed you to the parrot. CHARLIE SQUAWKS hungrily. The sound of a CAR HORN. JOSHUA There's your mom. MIKE See you tomorrow, Joshua! Mike heads for the door. EXT. DESERT - DAY The entrance to a mine shaft protrudes from a hillside. A pickup truck is parked nearby. The faded logo on the door reads: McCORMICK AND SON MINING COMPANY, PROSPERITY, NV. INT. MINE SHAFT - DAY Rotten beams. Chipped walls. A GENERATOR POWERS a string of lightbulbs. A lone figure works at the end of the tunnel. CHRIS McCORMICK (30s) has rugged good looks. Weathered clothing. Dirt-stained face. Ripped muscles. Chris chips at the wall with his pickaxe. As it makes contact, the occasional spark flies up. Chris pauses to scrutinize the target area with his helmet-light. Something sneaks along the floor of the mine behind him. Chris is oblivious to his unseen stalker. He chips away a section of stone to reveal shiny minerals. Reflections of silver and gold splash across his face. His smile fades... CHRIS Damn. (CONTINUED) 7. CONTINUED: Chris bends over, reaching for a bottle of water. A large rat scurries out of hiding dragging away Chris's sack lunch. Chris grabs his pick-axe and goes after the rat. The rodent dodges every hit. Sparks fly when the axe strikes rock. These ignite a vent of methane gas. A BRIEF EXPLOSION knocks Chris off his feet. He notices a small hole in the floor is lit like the burner on a stove. Chris pats out the flame as the rat scurries away with lunch. CHRIS Hope you like bologna! EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY A police car drives with a bicycle hanging out of the trunk. INT. POLICE CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY SAMANTHA "SAM" PALMER (30s) is the sheriff of Prosperity and a confident, single mother. Mike is seated beside her. MIKE You should see them, Mom. Each one has a unique feeding behavior. The spitters fire poisonous snot. The tarantulas mummify their prey. The jumpers can... SAM Why does he have all those things? MIKE He studies them. NASA uses spider webs in outer space. And for medicine. They've been here forever, and they'll be here long after we're all dead. SAM You're givin' me nightmares. MIKE Nightmares are cool. (CONTINUED) 8. CONTINUED: SAM U.P.S. brought this to the station. Sam hands Mike a small package. MIKE It's from Dad! He didn't forget my birthday. I told you he wouldn't. SAM Better late than never. Mike tears open the box to reveal a Cassiopeia PDA. MIKE Rockin'! SAM Is that the one you wanted? MIKE Cassiopeia 2304 with 64 megs of ram. Integrated modem. Voice recording capability. This baby is tight. Mike can't turn on the gizmo. SAM What's wrong? MIKE He forgot to send the batteries. SAM (annoyed) I told him to send batteries. EXT. DESERT - DAY The ROAR of two off-road MOTORCYCLES tearing up the desert. BRET HALE (18) leads the way. A Kid Rock-punk with good looks and FU attitude. Seated behind him is ASHLEY PALMER (16). This milk-fed desert honey is a wannabe Britney Spears. LARRY (17) is the wiseacre on the other bike. BRET Hang on, babydoll! (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: They GUN their BIKES onto the highway. Slalom the yellow lines. Wheelie for days. Ashley peeks over Bret's shoulder at a police car coming at them in the opposite lane. ASHLEY Oh shit. INT. POLICE CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY Sheriff Sam watches intently as the bikes wheelie past. SAM Hang on. MIKE Why? EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT) - DAY The police car does an impressive bootlegger 180. Lights ablaze. SIREN WAILING. The bikes pull over to the shoulder. EXT. SHOULDER OF HIGHWAY (DESERT) - DAY The motorcycles stop with the cop car behind. Sam's voice barks over the PA. SAM (V.O.) Party's over, gentlemen. Off the bikes. Sam exits the car and approaches. The bikers dismount. BRET There is something very sexy about an older woman in uniform. LARRY Her nine-millimeter gives me a stiffy. ASHLEY Don't antagonize her, you guys. SAM I told you not to act like kamikazes. Especially with Ashley riding behind. That is unacceptable, Bret. (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: BRET I could always ride her from behind. Larry snickers. Sam steels her rage. SAM You just bought yourself a reckless. Sam begins to write up the ticket. ASHLEY Can't you give 'em a break? SAM Get in the car, Ashley. Now. ASHLEY But, Mom! Sam shoots his daughter an intimidating glance. BRET No sweat, babydoll. We'll hook up later. SAM (threatening) Over my dead body. INT. SAM'S COP CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY Mike grins from the front seat as Ashley climbs in back. MIKE You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used... ASHLEY Shut up, dork. EXT. SHOULDER OF HIGHWAY - DAY Sam hands Bret the ticket. BRET Larry, do we know anybody at City Hall who can mark this go away? (CONTINUED) 11. CONTINUED: LARRY Your Dad is the Mayor. BRET Oh, yeah. (to Sam) He signs your paycheck. SAM The next time you put my daughter's life in danger, I'll show you exactly how little that means to me. Bret and Larry feel her resolve. BRET Relax, bee-otch. It's all good. The punks remount their bikes. SAM I want both wheels on the ground. The punks REV their BIKES and defiantly wheelie toward town. INT. POLICE CAR - DAY Sam climbs behind the wheel. MIKE I read her her rights. SAM I can always count on you, Mike. Sam STARTS the CAR and drives toward town. ASHLEY Do you get off on humiliating me? SAM This bad girl act doesn't suit you, Ash. ASHLEY I'm just trying to have fun. Don't you remember what it's like to grow up here? SAM That's what scares me. (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: Sam reaches over and opens the glove box. She pulls out a stun gun. Mike passes it through the bars to Ashley. SAM I told you to keep this with you. Ashley slides the zapper into her backpack. ASHLEY You are so over protective. Mike and Ashley lip-sync along with Sam's response. SAM A mother's job is to protect her children. ASHLEY You need to start trusting me. SAM I'd like to. But you keep skipping classes to go to the dunes with Bret. ASHLEY Why do you hate him so much? SAM I don't hate him. I just want you to have a future. I thought you wanted to get out of town. Go to med school. ASHLEY Maybe I want to stay. I could get pregnant by nineteen. Then divorce with a couple of kids I can't handle. Slap on a badge and be a trailer trash sheriff. SAM (deeply hurt) Thanks for the flashback. They drive on in painful silence. Mike turns ON the RADIO. HARLAN (V.O.) ... listening to W.F.R.E. Freedom radio. We've put aside the U.F.O.'s and conspiracy theories... 13. INT. PICKUP TRUCK (HIGHWAY) - DAY Chris drives into town with the RADIO ON. HARLAN (V.O.) ... for some down home talk back with our own mayor: Wade Hale. CHRIS Oh, great. WADE (V.O.) Thanks, Harlan. As I was saying, Chemical Technologies has been looking for viable storage sites. And Prosperity is lucky enough to be on that list. HARLAN (V.O.) Lucky? I think most of us are insulted that some outsiders think our town is a perfect place to dump toxic waste. CHRIS Right on. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - DAY Chris's pickup approaches... The entire town is not much bigger than a few football fields. The kind of place where everybody has known each other since childhood. Some buildings date back to the 1880's gold rush. HARLAN (V.O.) Isn't this just your latest get- rich quick scheme? At one end is the Prosperity Mall. A huge windowless rectangle in the sand. Permanent signs tout the many outlet stores inside: Victoria's Secret, Home and Garden Supplies, Sport Chalet, etc. Hand-painted signs reveal: "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE. EVERYTHING MUST GO. FINAL CLOSE OUT." On the roof of the mall is a very tall radio antenna. HARLAN (V.O.) Your mall has more employees than customers. INT. PICKUP TRUCK (TOWN, MAIN STREET) - DAY Chris smiles as he listens to the RADIO. (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: WADE (V.O.) I may have overestimated the need for 100,000 square feet of outlet shopping. EXT. BEVERLY'S HOUSE - DAY BEVERLY (40's) is tending to her garden as she listens to a transistor radio. HARLAN (V.O.) And your ostrich ranch? WADE (V.O.) If the government subsidies hadn't dried up, I'd still be rolling in cash. EXT. HARLAN'S TRAILER (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY An airstream at the far end of town. Signs identify it as: "FREEDOM RADIO." A brand new humvee is parked out front. INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - DAY Walls decorated with clippings about aliens, monsters, and conspiracies. Two men sit at a home built transmitter. HARLAN GRIFFITH (40s) wears an "Aliens Go Home!" T- shirt. He eats from a box of Frosted Flakes and drinks Jolt cola. WADE HALE (40s) is the mayor of Prosperity. A slick- haired dandy who looks more like a Vegas lounge singer than a Mayor. WADE With one phone call I could put together a deal that would make us all very rich. HARLAN They say money doesn't buy happiness. WADE They probably don't have any. 15. INT. POLICE CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY Sam and her kids listen to the radio. WADE (V.O.) Money pays for kids to go to college. It pays the mortgage. INT. DINER (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY An attractive waitress on roller-skates. A harried CHEF. Locals chow down. The RADIO BLARES in the b.g. WADE (V.O.) It puts food on the table. Haven't the people of this town lived hand-to-mouth for long enough? INT. BARBERSHOP (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY FLOYD and LEROY are the Jurassic era barbers. Floyd cuts Leroy's hair. The two men listen to the RADIO. WADE (V.O.) We're all gonna die in this hell hole. FLOYD Yeah, of boredom. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY DEPUTY PETE sits with his feet up on the desk reading Playstation magazine. He listens to the RADIO. WADE (V.O.) Wouldn't it be nice not to worry about surviving retirement? Or taking a shot at that life-long dream? INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - DAY WADE Think about it, Harlan, you could buy a commercial transmitter and start broadcasting to a national audience. HARLAN It would be nice to get the message out. Let people know the aliens walk among us. 16. INT. PICKUP TRUCK - DAY Chris slows to a stop in front of the McCormick and Son Mining Company. This stately edifice was once the driving force behind the local economy. WADE (V.O.) If Chris McCormick refuses to sell his mines. The rest of us are out of luck. Chris frowns. INT. POLICE CAR (HIGHWAY) - DAY WADE (V.O.) I don't think it's fair for one person to wield that much power. But he's just like his father. Selfish. Greedy. And more than a little bit nuts. SAM Uh-oh. Sam flips on the SIREN and accelerates. INT. DINER - DAY The locals stop eating and look toward the radio. WADE (V.O.) That family has been digging in those tunnels since the twenties. If there was something down there, don't you think they would have found it by now? INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY Floyd and Leroy stare at the radio. WADE (V.O.) Common sense does not apply to crazy people. INT. PICKUP TRUCK - DAY WADE (V.O.) Might as well be chasing a leprechaun's pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (CONTINUED) 17. CONTINUED: Chris is furious as he PEELS OUT and speeds toward Harlan's. INT. DINER - DAY The locals watch Chris's pickup speed by. WADE (V.O.) ... lunatics... INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY Floyd and Leroy watch Chris speed by. WADE (V.O.) ... certifiably nuts... INT. POLICE CAR - (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY As Sam pulls into town. She sees Chris skid to a stop in front of Harlan's trailer. He leaps out of his pickup. WADE (V.O.) ... at the very least... INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - DAY Chris yanks the door open in time to hear... WADE ... those McCormicks are just plain-old dumb. Wade stands up to protest. But it's too late. Chris punches him in the nose. The mayor tumbles back. CHRIS I've warned you not to talk about my family! HARLAN We have a surprise guest in the studio. Chris drags Wade to his feet, shoving him against the wall. CHRIS My family built this town! (CONTINUED) 18. CONTINUED: WADE Am I supposed to be grateful? Chris draws back his fist for another shot. Sam runs in and grabs him from behind. SAM That's enough! CHRIS Stay out of this, Sam! She manhandles Chris toward the door. EXT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - DAY Practically the entire town has gathered outside. Sam drags Chris through the door. Wade and Harlan are close behind. CHRIS Did you hear what he said? SAM I heard. WADE I want him locked up! SAM Let's all calm down. Wade tries to take advantage of the assembled audience. WADE We have no economy! People are barely scraping by! And now we've been offered the deal of a lifetime. You don't have the right to stand in our way! CHRIS Those mines are full of gas. One spark in the wrong place could blow this entire valley sky high. Do you really want to load that gun with toxic waste? WADE Chem-Tech did seismic analysis, vapor checks, groundwater reads, soil sampling. They found isolated methane pockets, but no benzene or hydrogen sulfide. (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: CHRIS How could they run tests? I didn't give them permission to go into the mines. Wade retreats toward his shiny new Hummer. CHRIS I asked you a question, you greedy son of a bitch! WADE I'm greedy?! You're the one keeping us down so you can search for gold! Chris tries to go after Wade. Sam holds him back. SAM Don't take another step. Chris stares at her. CHRIS You're taking his side? SAM I'm trying to keep the peace. WADE You're crazy! Just like your father! Wade drives off in his humvee. The crowd begins to disperse. CHRIS (sotto) He wasn't crazy. SAM It's okay. Chris heads off to his truck. Sam watches him go. Her eyes drifting down his body. Ashley steps up beside her mom. ASHLEY Maybe you're not gay after all. SAM What are you talking about? (CONTINUED) 20. CONTINUED: ASHLEY You can't take your eyes off his butt. SAM Where did you learn that it's okay to talk to me like this? ASHLEY Relax, Mom. He's hot for an old guy. I can admit it. Why can't you? Sam watches Chris get into his truck. He gives her one last look before pulling out. Sam smiles with her daughter. INT. MINING MUSEUM (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - DAY Vintage mining gear. Walls covered with sepia-tone photos chronicling the history of the McCormick mines. GLADYS LAUDERBACK (50s) sits at a desk. She blows smoke from her Kool into the breeze of an air conditioner. Ignoring the signs behind her head: "NO SMOKING!", "DANGER GAS!" As Chris enters, Gladys hides her lit cigarette in a drawer. GLADYS Did you pop him one? CHRIS He had it comin'. But Sam Palmer... That woman abuses her power. GLADYS Why? Because she stopped you from givin' Wade another pop? CHRIS I'm not proud of it. Chris goes to a table and a map of the mines that honeycomb beneath the town. Many of them are marked "explored." Many aren't. Chris checks another tunnel off the list. He sniffs the air and glares at Gladys. Smoke rises out of her desk drawer. Gladys yanks it open and puts out the flame. (CONTINUED) 21. CONTINUED: CHRIS I thought you were trying the patch. GLADYS I am. She raises her sleeve to reveal several nicotine patches. Chris exits through a door at the back of the museum. INT. MUSEUM - LIVING ROOM - DAY Chris enters the family living quarters. The furniture was new in 1947. He continues to the adjacent kitchen. INT. MUSEUM - KITCHEN - DAY Chris takes a beer out of the fridge. Then he notices an odd CLICKING. He tracks the sound to a stove burner permanently on "light." Chris moves to a fuse box in the adjacent hallway. He removes the fuse for the stove. The SPARKING STOPS. Chris sits at the table and has a cooling sip of beer. Gladys enters with a stack of bills. CHRIS That burner's on the fritz again. GLADYS Oh something's broken? What else is new? (lays bills on table) You need to pay these by the end of the month. CHRIS (looks at bills) Today... For a split second... I actually thought I had it. GLADYS Another vein of iron pyrite? CHRIS Yeah... Then a rat stole my lunch. I practically blew myself up trying to get it back. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: GLADYS I'm glad you like my bologna sandwiches. (beat) Maybe you should talk to Wade. CHRIS What are you saying? GLADYS Honey, if he really does have a buyer... CHRIS You of all people know how much my dad wanted to find that mother lode. GLADYS Your daddy wanted to get rich. I don't think he cared how that happened. If he was still alive, maybe he'd sell those mines. Chris takes umbrage... CHRIS And maybe you didn't know him so well after all. A tense beat. GLADYS You're right... I'm just worried about how we're going to pay these bills. CHRIS Don't give up on me, Gladys. I promised him I'd find the gold. And I will. Gladys steels her fear, patting Chris on the hand. EXT. TOWN - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAWN The sun rises. The town slowly comes to life. HARLAN (V.O.) Good morning, Prosperity, Nevada. It's another beautiful day on the frontier. Locals prepare their stores for business. 23. INT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE (DESERT) - DAY HARLAN (V.O.) No charges have been filed in yesterday's fracas between Chris McCormick and Wade Hale. And we've got... Joshua turns the radio down. He holds a tape measure to a glass spider tank, recording the size of an unseen arac. JOSHUA An exponential growth rate... That's impossible. CHARLIE Me so horny. Me love you long time. Joshua doesn't look back at the parrot sitting on its perch. JOSHUA Be quiet, bird! Charlie looks over at the tarantula tank. Watching curiously as the cloth cover moves slightly. As if one of the spiders is escaping. Charlie flies over to investigate. He lands on the counter and peers around the back of the tank. CHARLIE Charlie's in the wire! Incoming! Something yanks the parrot O.S. JOSHUA Stop screwing around...! Joshua looks back in search of the parrot. He notices several feathers floating down to the floor. He heads over to investigate. Joshua pulls the blanket clear to reveal the top of the cage has been pushed aside. No sign of any tarantulas. Joshua checks the back side of the tank. JOSHUA Where'd you go? Consuela? She's nowhere to be seen. Joshua spots something sticking out from under the table. Two parrot feet. Joshua pulls Charlie out from under the table. It's a horrible sight. The bird is wrapped in spider webbing. His body desiccated. (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: JOSHUA Charlie... Semper fidelis. Joshua sees Charlie is attached to a web. He tugs on the webline. Something tugs back. Joshua leans down to look under the table. His eyes go wide at what he sees. Then a shadow looms over his head. Joshua looks up and... EXT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE (DESERT) - DAY SCREAMS and the sounds of BREAKING GLASS come from within. EXT. PALMER HOUSE (TOWN) - DAY Ranch style. Cop car in front. Chris's pickup cruises by. INT. PICKUP TRUCK - OUTSIDE PALMER HOUSE - DAY Chris drives past. He catches sight of a figure in a window. INT. PALMER HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY Sam is brushing her teeth at the window as Chris drives by. They make eye contact. Chris moves on. Sam looks at herself in the mirror. Bathrobe. No makeup. Messy hair. Mouth full of toothpaste. SAM Work it, babe. INT. PALMER HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY Sam comes out of the bathroom dressed in her uniform. SAM It's all yours. Ashley and Mike exit their rooms. Mike is dressed for the day. Ashley in a robe. They race for the bathroom. Mike is first. Then Ashley hip-checks him out of the way, slamming the door in his face. ASHLEY (O.S.) Ladies first. (CONTINUED) 25. CONTINUED: MIKE What's your excuse!? Sam sticks her head out of a room at the end of the hall. SAM You still want a ride, Mike? MIKE I'm just going to the mall. SAM Have fun. Mike heads down the hallway and out of the house. INT. PALMER HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY Ashley turns on the shower, drops her robe, and climbs in. INT. BATHROOM - SHOWER - DAY Ashley is surrounded by steam. She sings an edgy gangsta rap tune by NWA. Tres' bizarre, non? Shampoo lather cascades down her face. Her eyes close. She is oblivious to a small spider crossing a web in front of her. The spider gets clear as Ashley rinses off the soap. Ashley rubs conditioner into her hair. The lather builds. Covering her face. Forcing her eyes closed once more. The spider returns across its web right in front of her eyes. The water stops. Ashley reaches for the showerhead blindly knocking the spider off its web. She feels no water coming out, and fumbles for a washcloth. Reaching with eyes closed, she can't see the little spider has landed on top of the cloth. As Ashley retrieves it, the spider scurries onto its opposite side. Ashley wipes the soap off her face. The spider rides the washcloth and moves toward her hand. Before it can strike, Ashley gets her eyes clear and drops the cloth. The cloth lands on the floor atop the spider. As the beast stares out from under it, barefoot Ashley steps on the cloth. Crushing the spider without ever knowing it was there. (CONTINUED) 26. CONTINUED: Ashley turns her attention to the showerhead. She cranks the water handles, trying to get the water flowing again. The handles suddenly pop off. Dozens of tiny spiders pour from the holes onto the floor. Ashley shrieks in horror. Sam bursts into the bathroom and yanks open the shower door. She drags Ashley out and looks at all the little spiders. SAM Now what? Ashley just screams. INT. HANK AND EMMA'S HOME - DAY The SCREAM of a SAWZALL. A house in the midst of remodeling. Sections of wall are exposed. Sheets cover furniture. HANK (30s) is the Bob Villa-poseur. A cat sits near an open section of wall. Watching something intently. The cat charges into the wall after unseen prey. EMMA (30s) comes downstairs wearing her bathrobe. She clutches her ears in pain, screaming for Hank to stop. He can't hear. She grabs his shoulder and he STOPS CUTTING. EMMA Why do you need to do that as six in the morning!? Do you hate me that much!? HANK I want to finish before I go to work. EMMA You've been saying that for six months! HANK I can't finish if you keep interrupting! Hanks RESTARTS the SAW as Emma staggers into the kitchen. 27. INT. REMODELED HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Emma makes herself a hangover helper. Egg, tabasco, lemon juice, and a shot of vodka. All of it goes into the BLENDER. She FIRES it UP. Competing with the noise of Hank's SAW. Then Emma notices a bowl of uneaten cat food. INT. REMODELED HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Emma comes back in and UNPLUGS the noisy SAW. HANK If you're gonna keep pulling the plug... EMMA Have you seen Zeke this morning? HANK He was chasing something earlier. EMMA If he got into the wall again, it's your balls in the blender. They hear FAINT MEOWING. Hank traces the source. It's coming from behind a partially-dismantled wall. HANK Hey, Zeke. Breakfast is ready. EMMA I'll get the tuna. Emma heads back into the kitchen. Hank listens at the wall. After a beat he hears the CAT RUSTLING around inside. HANK Zeke? Emma re-enters with a can of tuna. She hears ZEKE HISS. EMMA What's wrong with him? Hank shakes his head. The CAT noises become more aggressive. The panicked couple tries to follow the cat's progress. They tracks the sounds of BATTLE along the wall. The noises become FRANTIC. SCRABBLING CLAWS. HOWLS of KITTY pain. HANK & EMMA Zeke!? Zeke! Zeke! (CONTINUED) 28. CONTINUED: They follow the cat's frenzied movement up the wall, across the ceiling, and down the other wall. Hank hurries over. He can feel his cat thrashing maniacally on the other side. A FELINE SCREAM. And then deafening silence. Hank tears open the drywall, reaching for his cat. HANK I've got him by the tail. He withdraws all that remains of the Zeker... a bloody tail. EXT. MALL - DAY Mike hops off his bike before it stops moving. Letting it crash in the dirt. He enters the mall through glass doors. INT. MALL (PROSPERITY) - DAY Mike passes NORMAN (18), a janitor polishing the floors. Norman listens to LOUD DEATH ROCK TUNES on a Sony WALKMAN. NORMAN (conspiratorial) Hey, dude. Yeah. You. Mike comes over to this goatee'd rascal. NORMAN Wanna buy some smoke? MIKE A pack of cigarettes? NORMAN Smoke to get high, not to die. My stuff is hydroponically grown in a top secret location. No artificial flavors. No preservatives. Just 110 percent homegrown. MIKE Where's this secret location? (CONTINUED) 29. CONTINUED: NORMAN I could have a dime bag for you toot sweet. But if I tell you where exactly, I'd have to kill you. MIKE Norman, you know my mom's the sheriff. NORMAN Oh yeah... Right on... (considers this) Does she get high? Mike walks away, deeper into the mall. A dozen stores line the hallway: Victoria's Secret, Electronic Boutique, Sport Chalet. Most of the stores are closed for good. A large atrium features a fountain and jungle gym. Skylights cover the ceiling. Mike enters the Home and Garden store. INT. HOME AND GARDEN STORE - DAY Mike goes up to the counter. The CLERK snaps at him. CLERK The bug spray is on aisle five! MIKE What? CLERK You want mousetraps!? Is that it?! Aisle five! Mike grabs some batteries and lays them on the counter. CLERK Oh. I thought you wanted... An OLD LADY walks past. OLD LADY Excuse me, young man. Where can I find the bug spray? CLERK Aisle five! The Clerk grabs the PA's microphone. (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: CLERK (over PA speakers) All bug spray, rodent traps, ant poison and fly paper is on aisle five! He returns his attention to Mike. CLERK That'll be three fifty-two. Mike pays the man. MIKE Where's aisle five? The annoyed Clerk points. Mike heads over. He sees the aisle is crowded with locals squabbling over the few remaining cans of Raid, Black Flag and Off. EXT. BEVERLY'S HOUSE (TOWN) - DAY Beverly uncoils a hose, cranks a spigot. She sprays her vegetable garden with water. After a beat, a solid object is coughed up through the hose. Beverly continues watering. Two more unidentified objects are spewed from the hose. She reacts by cranking the spigot on full. The water sprays harder. Then inexplicably stops. Beverly checks the spigot. She looks into the opening of the hose. Puts it to her ear and listens. Sniffs. Now she puts the end of the hose in her mouth and sucks deeply, trying to siphon away the blockage. Beverly removes the hose. A FAINT RUMBLING sound. She puts it back in her mouth and sucks. A solid object comes through the hose and into her mouth. Then another. And another. A dozen things pump through the hose and into her mouth. Beverly yanks it out. Water spews from her mouth and out of the hose. Apparently the blockage has cleared. Beverly falls to her knees. Hunching forward. She vomits forth a stomach full of water... and small spiders. Mouth agape. Eyes wide in horror. She watches them scurry into the garden. Beverly tries to scream... but can only retch. 31. EXT. STREET (TOWN) - DAY Mike Palmer rides his bike through a puddle of water. He sees Beverly throwing up in her vegetable garden. Mike it thoroughly grossed out. EXT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE (DESERT) - DAY Mike rides his bike into Joshua's front yard. He dismounts before the BIKE stops. It CRASHES. Mike heads inside. INT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE - DAY Mike stops short in the doorway. An off-hook TELEPHONE BEEPS incessantly. WIND MOANS through shattered windows. Furniture is tipped over. Mike moves through the chaos. MIKE Hello? Joshua? Charlie? The spider tanks are shattered. No trace of their occupants. Mike pulls out his Cassiopeia PDA and starts recording. MIKE (into PDA) Captain's log. Stardate... Stops recording, PLAYS it BACK, listens to HIS VOICE. MIKE Cool! (records again) The house is deserted. No sign of Joshua Taft or his bird. The spider tanks are shattered. There is broken glass everywhere. Mike moves toward the back door of the cabin. It swings open and shut in the WIND. EXT. JOSHUA'S HOUSE (DESERT) - BACK YARD - DAY Mike comes out and notices hundreds of coin-sized footprints. He follows these tracks to a cluster of wooden barricades labeled: "McCORMICK AND SONS MINING COMPANY." Mike peers toward a vertical mine shaft behind the barriers. (CONTINUED) 32. CONTINUED: MIKE (into PDA) Animal tracks. Definitely too big to be spiders. Could be rats. Mike slips past the barricades. Following the tracks to the edge of the abyss. He can't see anything. It's too dark. Mike turns away and returns to the yard. Never realizing... Several feet down the shaft. Hidden under a rock... the shriveled and desiccated corpse of Joshua Taft. It hangs from the side of the shaft in thick sticky webbing. Grisly. Suddenly the corpse is tugged loose and dragged deeper into the shaft by some unseen creature. EXT. MINE SHAFT - DAY Chris's pickup is parked outside another mine shaft. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAY Chris works with his pick-axe. He pauses, listening to a DISTURBING NOISE somewhere down the tunnel. A growl? A roar? Chris isn' t so sure. And then a new sound... a SCREECHING. The noise grows LOUDER. Something's coming. Chris shines his light into the darkness. Trying to see what's causing the unsettling crescendo... Suddenly dozens of RATS burst from the darkness. EXT. MINE SHAFT - DAY Chris runs out the mouth of the tunnel. The rat stampede is on his tail. He leaps into the back of his pickup. The manic rodents continue off into the desert. Chris looks back toward the gaping mouth of the tunnel. CHRIS What am I, the Pied Piper... 33. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - BARBER SHOP - DAY Mike rides his bike. Floyd the barber stands out front chatting with an elderly couple. They hold a dog's leash in their hand. FLOYD I'm sorry. I haven't seen him. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - DAY Mike rides on. He notices a guy taping a flyer to a lamp post. Mike glances over. It's a sign for a missing dog. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - POLICE STATION - DAY Mike arrives at the local police station. Several cars are parked out front. The door is ajar. Locals are crowded inside. Mike lets his bike crash as he enters. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Sam is behind her desk. The place is swarming with locals. SAM Quiet! Quiet please! The mob is not listening. BEVERLY They were clogging up my house! EMMA I want to know what killed Zeke! TRAVIS He was a good dog! He wouldn't just get up and go! Deputy Pete whistles at top volume. Everybody shuts up. SAM I had spiders at my house too. We need an exterminator not a sheriff. TRAVIS What about my dog? (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: SAM I don't know, Travis. We're gonna keep an eye out. But we're not gettin' anywhere like this. You should go back out there and look for your animals. If they haven't shown up by tonight. I'll call Fish and Game. Okay? Pete ushers the grumbling mob out of the office. Mike avoids the crush and manages to stay inside. MIKE Mom! Mom! All Josh's spiders are gone! SAM I can't do this right now, Mike! Everyone's having pest problems! MIKE But Joshua is gone! SAM Maybe he's out looking for his spiders? MIKE Mom, I'm serious! You're not listening! SAM Mike... I've got missing pets. Spiders in the plumbing. Rats and mice coming out of basements. And your sister's about to end up on a milk carton. I can't have you losing... The PHONE RINGS. Sam answers it. SAM Hello? Wade... wait a second... your ostriches? OFF Mike's look. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - DIRT DRIVEWAY - DAY Prosperity is clearly visible just a mile away. The police car drives down a long road lined with fences. 35. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - RANCH HOUSE - DAY Wade's new Hummer is in the driveway. A CATTLE DOG BARKS as Wade leads Sam and Mike around the side of the house. WADE Came out to feed my birds this morning. SAM Coyotes? WADE Hell no! The trio steps to the fence. Only three mangy ostriches are there to greet them. WADE My flock had fifty birds! Where'd they go, dammit! Who the hell steals fifty birds that can't even fly!? SAM All this happened last night? WADE I guess. And we didn't hear a thing. Sam gestures toward the BARKING DOG. SAM What about him? WADE Not a peep. Mike notices some ostrich feathers on the ground. He heads over for a closer look. The DOG watches his progress. BARKING excitedly. Sam talks to Wade. SAM How's the ostrich business? WADE Not so good lately. SAM You've got that new Hummer. You must be makin' enough to pay for it. (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: WADE (annoyed) You like it? I'll take you for a ride. SAM These birds are insured. Right? WADE I didn't kill my birds, Sam. Is that what you think? Mike looks back to see his mom confronting Wade. WADE (in the distance) ... reject... absolutely not... Mike scrutinizes what appear to be more of those tracks that he found at Joshua's. But this time they are larger: MIKE (into PDA) I've found more tracks. Even larger now. Mike follows the trail toward another mine entrance. This one is plugged with concrete. The tracks don't go there. They stop at what appears to be a normal patch of ground. Several ostrich feathers are scattered nearby. Mike takes a closer look. Something doesn't seem right. An odd demarcation in the soil. His fingers trace the edge of a thin film of material. It is a lid of sorts. A sheath of sticky webbing coated with dirt. Mike is able to lift it. Mike peers into a deep dark burrow three feet wide. INT. UNDERGROUND BURROW - DAY Twenty feet down the shaft. A shape moves. TRAPDOOR SPIDER POV - MIKE A MULTI-EYED SPIDER'S VIEW of Mike at the top of the burrow. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - OSTRICH PEN - DAY Mike squints into the burrow but can't see anything. 37. INT. UNDERGROUND BURROW - DAY A dark shape inches up the burrow toward Mike. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - OSTRICH PEN - DAY Mike is oblivious as he peers into the dark. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - RANCH HOUSE - DAY The BARKING CATTLE DOG SNAPS its TETHER and charges Mike. Sam and Wade see this and run after it. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - OSTRICH PEN - DAY Mike doesn't see the dog. He's too busy looking in the hole. INT. UNDERGROUND BURROW - TRAPDOOR SPIDER POV - MIKE The kid is FRAMED IN the burrow opening just a few feet away. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - OSTRICH PEN - DAY Mike senses something approaching in the darkness. Suddenly he's grabbed from behind. Sam drags him away as CLYDE the cattle dog continues BARKING. WADE (to Clyde) Now you're on the job?! What the hell were you doin' last night?! SAM Come on, Mike. Let's hit it. Sam leads her son toward the house. Mike glances back. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - DIRT DRIVEWAY - DAY Mike and Sam are in the cop car. Wade is at Sam's window. WADE I need to know what happened to my birds! (CONTINUED) 38. CONTINUED: SAM If I find anything I'll let you know. (a beat) So you can fill out that insurance form. Sam drives down the driveway. Wade takes off his hat and wipes his brow. He watches Clyde run parallel to the accelerating police car. INT. POLICE CAR (DIRT DRIVEWAY) - DAY Sam eyes the road ahead. Mike is lost in thought. MIKE We have to go back. SAM Mike? MIKE That was a trapdoor spider's burrow. SAM What are you talking about? MIKE Joshua was feeding his spiders bugs from the creek. And they were getting bigger. Mike glances out the window at the dog running nearby. MIKE (agitated) What if they didn't stop growing? What if they broke out of their tanks. Ate Joshua. And went into the mines? Sam looks at him like he's out of his mind. MIKE That could be why the other species are coming out into the open. They're trying to get away from the giant spiders. (a beat) The ecosystem is out of balance. (CONTINUED) 39. CONTINUED: SAM Have you been overdosing your Ritalin? She checks him for a fever. EXT. WADE'S RANCH - DIRT DRIVEWAY - FENCE LINE - DAY CLYDE runs next to the car. Suddenly he disappears underground with a YELP. Only still frame on a DVD player will capture the trapdoor spider's lunge from a camouflaged den. The dog's empty collar rolls to a stop in a cloud of dust. INT. POLICE CAR (DIRT DRIVEWAY) - DAY Mike turns from his mother and looks out the window. He is confused when he doesn't see any sign of the dog. MIKE Maybe I am losing it... He checks himself for a fever. INT. ABANDONED TRUCK STOP (DESERT) - DAY A dingy collection of buildings surrounded by dunes and rock. The structures have boarded windows. Graffiti on the walls. Teenagers hang out. Off-road motorcycles parked nearby. Bret Hale's monster truck does donuts in the parking lot. Ashley hangs out the passenger window shrieking with glee. INT. BRET'S TRUCK (TRUCK STOP) - DAY Bret smokes a Phillies Blunt as he donuts his TRUCK. Ashley laughs hysterically. Bret steers them around to the back of the truck stop. He SKIDS to a stop. ASHLEY Woo-hoo! Bret offers his stogie. Ashley refuses. Bret puffs away. ASHLEY Haven't you had enough of that? (CONTINUED) 40. CONTINUED: BRET No such thing. Norman's bud is da'kine. He coughs and they both laugh. BRET When I medal at the X-Games, Honda will give me full sponsorship. Then I'll take you with me on the Supercross tour. Ashley is silent. BRET Are you still thinking about going away? ASHLEY I don't know. I want to do something with my life, Bret. Help people. Maybe med school is still an option. BRET Not if you keep hanging out with me. ASHLEY Thanks, Mom. They kiss. Things head toward a serious level of "get down." Bret slides his hand up Ashley's shirt. Ashley gets into it. But then Bret slides his hand toward the buttons of her 501s. Ashley removes his hand. ASHLEY Slow down... Bret persists. Ashley climbs off of him. BRET I thought you loved me. ASHLEY I do! BRET Then what's the problem? You want to leave town. You don't want to make out. ASHLEY I don't feel... (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: BRET What? ASHLEY I don't want to lose my virginity in the front seat of a monster truck. BRET Why didn't you say so? We can go outside. I've got a blanket in the back. ASHLEY No... I guess... I'm just not ready. BRET Tammy and Larry do it every night! ASHLEY Then call them! Have a menage a trois! BRET Come on, Ashley. Mommy's not around. You don't have to play the good girl. Let Daddy give you what you really want. Bret goes after her once more. Ashley's not into it. ASHLEY Please, Bret... Please don't... But Bret won't listen. Ashley isn't strong enough to fight him. She reaches into her purse and pulls out her stun gun. She rams it up in Bret's crotch and pulls the trigger. Bret howls like a baboon in a wood chipper. He spasmodically jerks off of Ashley and tumbles out the driver's side door. EXT. BEHIND TRUCK STOP - DAY Bret twitches on the ground. BRET My balls? Ahh! My balls! (looks down) I pissed myself?! Damn, bee-otch! (CONTINUED) 42. CONTINUED: Ashley watches from the truck. ASHLEY I told you to back off! Ashley closes the door of the truck and rolls up the windows. Bret is dazed as he gets to his feet. Then his eyes rack-focus to a nearby dune. A Rottweiler-sized jumping spider stands atop it. Two large eyes surrounded by six smaller orbs. Orange and black designs on its abdomen. Wiry hair. Dagger-sized fangs. Bret can't quite believe what he sees. Ashley STARTS the TRUCK. This snaps Bret back to reality. BRET Ashley, wait! ASHLEY Screw you, Bret. I'm going home. Bret sees the spider leisurely coming down off the dune. He runs over to the door of the pickup and tries to open it. BRET Please! Open the door! I'm sorry! ASHLEY I can't believe my mom was right about you. Do you know how embarrassing that is? Ashley starts to pull away. Bret keeps banging on the glass. BRET Open the door, baby! I love you! I want to marry you! Have my children! Please! Ashley flips him the bird and BURNS RUBBER. As the truck moves out of the way, Bret finds himself staring at several more jumping spiders that are methodically approaching. Bret sprints around to the other side of the truck stop. 43. EXT. TRUCK STOP - PARKING LOT - DAY Bret runs from behind the building. Larry Witzer and a bunch of other kids see him coming. LARRY Dude, did you piss in your pants? RANDY Ha-ha! Bret pissed his pants! All the kids start laughing and pointing at Bret. None of them see the approaching jumping spiders. BRET Get out of here! They're coming! RANDY The only one coming is you, dude. Larry and Randy high-five. A jumping spider lands on Randy's back, piercing him with its fangs, throwing him to the ground. Randy screams. The kids have a front-row seat as the spider's pincers mash their buddy into an edible pulp. Bret leaps onto his MOTORCYCLE and FIRES it UP. Several more jumping spiders bound across the parking lot. BRET Ride! The kids scramble, leaping onto their bikes. One rider is picked off by a spider. The others kick up rooster tails as they accelerate away. The spiders chase them into the dunes. EXT. SAND DUNES - DAY A wasteland on the outskirts of town. The sandy waves are "surfed" by the noisy MOTORCYCLES. The jumping spiders keep after them, leaping a dozen feet in a single bound. A biker is ripped off a motorcycle. The BIKE CRASHES. Larry ends up with a jumper on his bike. Another biker tries to kick it off, managing to knock the critter into the motorcycle's spokes. The spider gets munched. But then the courageous biker crashes and is set upon by a hungry jumper. Larry continues riding. But a spider lands on his back and sinks fangs into his spine. Larry yells bloody murder. (CONTINUED) 44. CONTINUED: Bret sees Larry go down in a cloud of gore and sand. Bret is the only human left. A jumper comes after him in mid-air. Bret does an X-Games style rocket air, kicking backward with booted legs. He knocks the spider away and keeps on riding. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Three familiar trucks cruise down the highway. This time they are devoid of any toxic waste cargo. INT. THIRD TRUCK - HIGHWAY - DAY Pig Pen stares fixedly at the endless road ahead of him. SELF-HELP TAPE (V.O.) I will live every moment of my life as if it were my last. PIG PEN I will live every moment of my life as if it were my last. Suddenly Bret Hale wheelies across the road. A jumping spider explodes against the windshield. Spider guts splatter everywhere. Pig Pen screams as he JAMS on the BRAKES. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The TRUCK jack-knifes into a line of telephone poles. Knocking them over and rolling multiple times before EXPLODING. Several jumping spiders are caught in the blast. Bret Hale rides on with several more jumpers behind. INT. PALMER HOUSE - MIKE'S ROOM - DAY The black and white classic: Tarantula, plays over an old TV and VCR. Mike is at his computer, downloading a spider encyclopedia into his PDA. A message flashes across the screen: CONNECTION LOST. Mike picks up the telephone. MIKE Hello? Hello? The line is dead. 45. EXT. DESERT - DAY Bret rides into a dead-end canyon with the spiders very close behind. Bret steers for the mouth of a hillside mine shaft. INT HORIZONTAL MINE SHAFT - DAY Bret speeds inside. He looks over his shoulder to check for his pursuers, they're gone. Bret looks relieved. He faces forward as... whack! A support beam knocks him from his bike. The bike continues on into the tunnel alone. From the sound of things it travels pretty far before crashing. Bret lies on the ground as dust settles onto his face. He looks up at a support beam which begins to crack. Bret moves clear just as the ceiling caves in, sealing him in the mine. EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - DAY Several locals put up more signs for missing pets. INT. DINER/EXT. MAIN STREET (TOWN) - DAY Harlan is kibitzing with Travis. Pete and Emma console each other over dessert. Wade sits alone at a table for two. The attractive WAITRESS on roller-skates give him a fresh beer. WAITRESS The phones went down for some reason. Maybe that's why Bret didn't call. Did you want to go ahead and order? WADE Just give me the usual. WAITRESS One ostrich steak, comin' up. Wade reacts glumly to the word "ostrich." INT. MUSEUM - KITCHEN - DAY Gladys smokes as she puts together the fixings for a large meal. She has a cookbook out. Pots and pans. Chris enters. Gladys quickly drops her cigarette in the disposal. (CONTINUED) 46. CONTINUED: GLADYS What are you doing home? CHRIS Need some rat traps. GLADYS Try the basement. CHRIS What is all this? GLADYS I wanted to surprise you with a special dinner. Turkey De La Gladys. CHRIS I'll have mine without Nicotine. GLADYS Not as good that way. Chris goes through a nearby door to the basement. INT. MUSEUM - BASEMENT - DAY Chris comes downstairs. He rummages through some junk. comes up with several rat traps. He turns around to discover an odd hole in the wall. He ventures over for a look. CHRIS Rats... Chris leans into the hole, his jacket restricts his entry. Chris pulls out of the hole, standing to reveal a large male tarantula on his back. Chris is oblivious as he takes off his jacket. The coat lands in a heap atop the spider. Chris gets back down and places one of the rat traps in the hole. He doesn't notice the jacket moving behind him. Chris backs out of the hole. He picks up his jacket. The spider is gone. He grabs his traps and heads upstairs. 47. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Chris passes through the kitchen. He eyes Gladys warily. CHRIS Have you been smoking? GLADYS No. Smoke pours out of her nostrils. CHRIS Gladys... GLADYS Get back to work. I'll see you tonight. Chris starts out. GLADYS Sam called for you. Chris hesitates. GLADYS She wants you to come by the station. CHRIS She really has it in for me. GLADYS Oh please. CHRIS What? GLADYS You two should just sleep together and get it over with. CHRIS Me and Sam... Hook up... GLADYS I may be older than electricity, but I used to be a nice-looking piece of tail. CHRIS Too much information. (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: GLADYS I'm not kidding. I got more action than those chicks on VIP. So when I tell you Sam thinks your butt is U.S.D.A. choice... CHRIS This is where I throw up. GLADYS Don't tell me you don't think she's a fox. Chris mulls this over. Testing his own feelings. He opens his mouth to ask another question. And then heads out. GLADYS See you for dinner. Gladys doesn't notice the basement DOOR CREAK open slightly. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Sam is on the phone at her desk. SAM Nothing yet. I'm sorry. We're still trying to get... Chris enters. SAM Let me call you back. (hangs up) This has been one crazy day. We've got missing pets, dead ostriches. God only knows what's next. CHRIS I'm sorry about yesterday. Wade is... He knows how to push my buttons. SAM I wanted to ask you... CHRIS On a date? Sam freezes for a second. Chris laughs. (CONTINUED) 49. CONTINUED: CHRIS I'm kidding. What did you want to ask? SAM Have you noticed anything strange in the mines? CHRIS Define strange. SAM I had spiders in my house. Hector had roaches in his basement. Some mice... CHRIS How about stampeding rats? SAM Were they running away from something? CHRIS Could have been. Never saw them do that before. I guess it qualifies as strange. Sam thinks this over. CHRIS Sam... Do you want to go out sometime? SAM (taken aback) Are you asking me out on a date? CHRIS Only if you're going to say yes. Sam smiles slightly. INT. MUSEUM - KITCHEN - DAY The basement door is wide open. Gladys mixes food in a bowl. A cigarette with a massive ash hangs off her lip. A male tarantula moves across the ceiling. The creature is the size of a pit bull. Two quivering palps flank dart-sized fangs. Multiple eyes the size of quarters. Hair all over. (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: Gladys is oblivious to the ominous threat above her. As she works, the spider shadows her. Every time the spider is about to strike, she goes another direction to get spices, utensils, a pan. Gladys places her bowl on the stove. Suddenly the tarantula drops onto the stove right in front of her. Gladys shrieks. The tarantula lashes out at her. Gladys grabs a frying pan and smashes it across the face as she stumbles backward. The spider reels, striking the burner knobs, turning on the gas. Gladys registers the sound of ESCAPING GAS. She looks back toward the fuse box and makes a run for it. As she goes, the tarantula fires a webline at her. Gladys gets the fuse off the top of the fuse box, but the webline prevents her from slotting it home. Gladys strains with all her might, finally slots the fuse. She turns toward the kitchen just in time to see the broken burner spark to life. The gas ignites. The tarantula is engulfed in flame. Gladys is knocked down by the blast. She lies on her back when a second male tarantula nails her with a webline. Gladys screams as she's dragged across the floor toward the basement door. The fire grows more intense, spreading quickly. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY CHRIS So that's a 'No.' SAM My kids are the world to me, Chris. When their dad left... it really took a toll. On all of us. I can't go through that again. I won't. CHRIS No... I understand... I don't know what I was thinking... (laughs) Gladys has some crazy ideas. I'm gonna kill her. Deputy Pete throws open the door. (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: PETE The museum's on fire! OFF Chris's look. EXT. BURNING MUSEUM - DAY The museum burns. The volunteer fire department attacks the conflagration. All the locals are there to help. Sam's COP CAR SKIDS to a stop. Chris leaps out. Stares at the fire for a beat. And then he charges toward the inferno. Sam tackles him from behind. Pinning him to the ground. CHRIS No! Let me go! Gladys! Let me go! The museum collapses. Chris watches it burn to the ground. EXT. MUSEUM - DAY (LATER) The fire is out. The once-proud building is now a smoldering pile of rubble. Locals stand in small groups. Chris wanders through the ruins as firemen mop up. He picks something out of the char. The map of the mines. Almost completely burned. Soaked with water. He stares at it for a heavy beat. All that remains of his legacy. Sam steps up. SAM Maybe she got out. Sam puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. CHRIS (devastated) She was cooking. The stove was broken. SAM Why don't you come home with me? We'll get you cleaned up. Chris hesitates for a moment. And then he lets the map fall. He walks out of the ruins with Sam. (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: Mike stands off to the side. He spots something near the edge of the ruins. He goes over to pick it up. It's a piece of arachnid exoskeleton. A spider's leg. Big. Very big. Travis the fire chief warns him away. TRAVIS Get away from there, Mike! Mike hurries clear with his prize. He puts it on the ground, sketches the outline of a spider to fit the scale of the leg. MIKE Holy God... Mike looks around for his mom. He sees her driving off in the cop car with Chris. MIKE Mom! Wait! EXT. PALMER HOUSE - DUSK The sun hangs low in the sky. Sam's cop car parks beside Bret's monster truck. INT. PALMER HOUSE - DAY Ashley watches TV. A doctor resuscitates a dying patient with CPR. The doctor counts as he pumps the man's chest. TV DOCTOR (V.O.) One... two... three... Ashley watches intently. The patient is revived. TV DOCTOR (V.O.) Helping people never gets old. Ashley hears KEYS in the front DOOR. She quickly switches channels to MTV. Sam enters with Chris. SAM Is Bret here? ASHLEY No. SAM Then why is his truck out front? (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: ASHLEY Don't worry about it. SAM What do you mean? What happened? ASHLEY Nothing. Ashley starts crying. Sam goes to comfort her daughter. Chris stands by in shock. Watching, Upset. ASHLEY Nothing happened, alright! Ashley runs off to her room. Sam follows. Chris stands alone for a beat. He walks to the kitchen and pulls a bottle of Vodka from the freezer. He puts the cold bottle against his head and neck. Trying to cool off. Mike bursts into the house carrying his piece of exoskeleton. He sees Chris opening the bottle of vodka. MIKE Spiders shed their skins when they grow. Chris looks at Mike for a moment. MIKE Like snakes. CHRIS Gladys is dead. Chris drinks vodka straight from the bottle. MIKE Maybe not. That got Chris's attention. MIKE This is a tarantula's leg. Or it was. It's an exoskeleton, to be scientific. CHRIS It's a little large. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: Chris has another gulp of vodka as Mike holds up his Cassiopeia full of spider data. He shows Chris a video of a male tarantula mummifying its food. Chris watches in amazement. MIKE See! Male tarantulas wrap their prey in webbing. Tight like a mummy. The food stays alive so they can eat it later. Sam enters the room in time to overhear this. SAM Mike, please. Now isn't the time. Chris looks up at Sam. CHRIS They keep their food alive. Mike hands his mother the new piece of exoskeleton. SAM What is this? MIKE A spider's leg! Sam flinches, dropping the object to the floor. MIKE Careful! SAM No. That's a piece of cactus. Look... It's covered with spines. MIKE Those are quills! Tarantulas can flick them at you like darts! Mike does an odd flicking motion. Kind of like a dog scratching a flea. SAM Giant tarantulas? MIKE Tarantulas! Wolfs! Trapdoors! Joshua had a ton of exotics! (CONTINUED) 55. CONTINUED: CHRIS If there were giant spiders roaming the desert, don't you think somebody would've seen them by now? MIKE The jumpers hunt in daylight. But not the others. They only come out when the sun goes down! The group looks to the window, the sun hangs low in the sky. EXT. TOWN - DUSK Prosperity is bathed in sunset. The mine shaft entrances are clearly visible. Like black holes of malevolent promise. INT. PALMER HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY The garage is cluttered. Old station wagon. Bikes. Skis. Sam leads Chris to a bag full of her ex-husband's clothes. SAM I guess I should watch more 'Oprah.' It must be a textbook 'no-dad' kind of thing. Chris shifts awkwardly. In shock. Sad. Sam holds up a flannel shirt. CHRIS That one looks kind of scratchy. Sam holds up a shirt that Chris approves of. He takes it and proceeds to take off his old soot-stained shirt. SAM All Jason cared about was getting out and starting over. I guess that included buying a new wardrobe. Sam turns to pass Chris a pair of Levis. He's buttoning up the new shirt. Chris takes the pants. He doesn't register Sam ogling his exposed chest. (CONTINUED) 56. CONTINUED: CHRIS Gladys thought I should sell... but you know... I never wanted to get rich. If it was about the money, I would have sold out to Wade a long time ago. Chris moves behind the car and takes off his pants. CHRIS I think I just wanted to prove the gold was down there. That my family wasn't crazy to keep looking. Even after we'd lost so much. And now... she's gone, too. SAM I'm sorry, Chris. CHRIS Do you know what I'm trying to say? SAM It wasn't about spending the gold, it was about finding it. CHRIS That's right. That's exactly right. Sam glimpses Chris through car windows. The poor guy's struggling to pull on some 501s. Sam turns away, but catches sight of him in a propped-up glass door. CHRIS Remind me never to let you do my laundry. She turns, only to see him in a mirror. He steps out from behind the car. Sam stares at him. SAM They look great. INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - SUNSET A melancholy N'SYNC ballad plays over a BOOM BOX. Ashley sits on her bed with her back to the open window. The sun setting in the distance. She rips up the photographs of Bret. (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: Ashley doesn't notice the Great Dane-sized spitting spider crawling in through her window. It is striped like a jungle predator. It comes all the way into the room and then lingers among Ashley's stuffed animal collection. INT. MIKE'S ROOM - DUSK Mike checks the phone. Still dead. He types at his computer, entering the specification of the piece of exoskeleton. A digital representation of a spider grows on his monitor screen. Showing Mike exactly how big the spider would be after shedding this skin. Mike is distracted by the LOUD MUSIC coming from Ashley's room. MIKE Can't you turn that down?! INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - DUSK MIKE (O.S.) I'm doing spider research! Ashley stops ripping. She goes to the pile of animals, oblivious to the spider. The beast doesn't move. Ashley grabs a pink teddy bear with a heart on its belly. She returns to bed and cuts the bear's heart out with scissors. The spitting spider sneaks up behind Ashley. As it moves, so does Ashley. She scoops up the torn photos and mutilated bear, dumping them in the trash. She turns around to find the giant spider on her bed. She freezes momentarily. ASHLEY (sotto) Spider... Mike... Spider... Ashley sees her stun gun is on the dresser. She lunges for it. She's almost got it. The spider squirts two lines of gummy web at Ashley. The glop hits her int he chest, carries her backward. Glues her to the wall. INT. GARAGE - NIGHT Chris finishes dressing. He faces Sam. There is an odd moment as they find themselves standing close. If the circumstances were different they'd probably end up kissing. And then they hear ASHLEY'S bloodcurdling SCREAM. 58. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Mike pops out of his door. Sam and Chris run down the hallway. Sam yanks open the door to Ashley's room. INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Sam, Chris and Mike stand in the doorway staring at a giant spider menacing Ashley. The spitter fires another webby blast, sticking the girl's legs to the wall. MIKE Wow! A scytodes spitter! Chris pushes past Sam and Mike. He grabs a chair and shoves it at the spitter like a lion tamer. The spider backs off. Sam takes off running down the hallway. ASHLEY Where are you going? INT. SAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Sam runs up to find a gun case. She tries to get a shotgun, but finds it locked. She doesn't have the key. Sam grabs objects in the room and smashes the gun rack to pieces. INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Chris has the chair in one hand to fend off the spider. With the other hand he tries to get Ashley out of the webbing. Mike stands nearby reading from his Cassiopeia. MIKE The scytodes spits a gooey discharge to immobilize their prey. ASHLEY No shit! The spider hits Chris's chair with a blast of webbing. The chair is blown from his hand, and stuck to the wall. Chris stands weaponless before the spider. ASHLEY Use my stun g... Ashley is nailed in the face with another blast of goo. Mouth sealed shut. Chris reaches under the bed and pushes it over on to the spitter. The spider leaps clear onto the wall. (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: MIKE (reads) Watch its fangs! The spitter's fangs move from side to side as it fires! CHRIS I'll keep that in mind. Chris grabs the spitter from behind and drags it off the wall. The spider turns to fight. Chris wrestles it to the ground. He sees the fangs begin to move from side to side and rolls clear of a point-blank web shot. INT. SAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Sam takes a purposeful step back and launches a spinning roundhouse kick that snaps the shotgun out of its binding. She grabs the bang stick and runs from the room. INT. ASHLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Chris puts himself between Ashley and the spider. He looks for a weapon. Lunges for the scissors, but the spitter nails him with a blast of glue. Chris is flung across the room and stuck to the wall by the sleeve of his shirt. He shrugs out of it and makes another grab for his scissors. He gets them. MIKE Get under it! Stab it in the abdomen! They don't have any armor down there! CHRIS How am I supposed to do that!? The spider leaps at Chris... and EXPLODES in midair. Bits of gore shower Chris. He stands to see Sam in the door with her shotgun. Chris is covered in spider guts. CHRIS I'm gonna need some new pants. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Sam finishes loading new shells into her shotgun and then pops a fresh clip into her 9mm. Chris comes out of the garage wearing clean clothes. Sam chucks him the pistol. (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: SAM Ever used one of these? CHRIS I'm a fast learner. Chris tries to put the gun in his pocket. And then his waistband. But these damn pants are too tight. Ashley uses scissors to cut web out of her hair. MIKE I told you! I told you all! But nobody ever listens to Mike! Still think I'm crazy, Mom? SAM I'm sorry I didn't believe you. Ashley is about to hyperventilate. SAM Calm down, baby. ASHLEY There aren't enough wine coolers in the world to calm me down! SAM I won't let anything happen to you. Sam ka-chacks a fresh round into her shotgun. CHRIS What other spiders did Joshua have? MIKE Spitters, jumpers, orb weavers, tarantulas... CHRIS Why couldn't he keep goldfish like a normal person? Sam checks the phone. It's dead. SAM We need to warn people. CHRIS How about the radio station? (CONTINUED) 61. CONTINUED: SAM Good one. We'll go to Harlan's. ASHLEY Outside? You want to go outside? EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - PALMER HOUSE- NIGHT Chris and Sam open the front door of the house. Sam looks one way. Chris the other. No giant spiders lurking about. Chris and Sam continue onto the lawn. Mike and Ashley watch from the safety of the doorway. They listen to the comforting SOUNDS OF a SUMMER NIGHT. SAM It's okay... Mike and Ashley move out of the doorway. Joining the adults. They move toward the cop car. EXT. STREETS (TOWN) - NIGHT The cop car cruises. The occupants peer out the windows. Everything appears normal. Although no people are visible. EXT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - NIGHT Sam, Chris, and the kids move away from the cop car to the door. They are at the far end of town. All appears to be normal. INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - NIGHT Harlan is broadcasting. HARLAN ... I'm saying the invasion has already occurred. The aliens are among us. But they've taken common forms. They hide in plain sight. Harlan is startled as Sam and the others enter with guns. SAM We need to make an emergency broadcast. (CONTINUED) 62. CONTINUED: HARLAN What happened? MIKE Giant spider invasion. Harlan's jaw drops. Sam takes the microphone. CHRIS What are you going to say? You can't tell them the truth. SAM (into microphone) Is this thing on? Hello? This is Sam Palmer. We have an emergency situation. EXT. STREET (TOWN) - NIGHT SAM (V.O.) A pack of rabid coyotes is loose in town. Wolf spiders crawl across rooftops. Spitters scale buildings Tarantulas lurk in the shadows. Jumpers scuttle out of the mineshafts. Trapdoors prepare their burrows. INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT This funky old couple relaxes in their LaZee-Boys. SAM (V.O.) They are extremely dangerous. The forelegs of a tarantula reach over the top of the man's recliner, yanking him clean out. The woman is oblivious as her husband is dragged away across the floor. EXT. HANK AND EMMA'S HOME - NIGHT Emma bursts out of the front door, screaming hysterically. Hank is behind her with the SawzAll. A wolf spider crawls after them from inside the house. SAM (V.O.) Arm yourselves with any weapons you can find. Hank raises the saw, overextending the power cable. He loses power. Drops the saw and runs for his life. 63. INT. BARBERSHOP - NIGHT Floyd and Leroy use brooms to fend off several wolf spiders. SAM (V.O.) Stay together and head for the mall. INT. DINER - NIGHT A spider eats the chef. The waitress roller-skates away from an arachnid. She jumps through the window into the street. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT A family piles into their mini-van. Oblivious to the jumper hiding in the "way back." They close the door and drive off. INT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - NIGHT Harlan has donned a vintage football helmet and pads. CHRIS The mall? SAM The walls are concrete and the exits have steel gates. We could hold an entire army of giant spiders from inside. ASHLEY You just said giant spider on the air. Sam sees the microphone is keyed. HARLAN Now that's great radio! SAM Not giant spiders! I meant to say... Harlan notices long spider legs passing the window. HARLAN The aliens! 64. EXT. HARLAN'S TRAILER - NIGHT Sam and the others spill out of the trailer. They head for the cop car. As they get closer, a wolf spider climbs onto the car's roof and gnaws on the light bar. Sam raises her gun to blast it. MIKE Wait, Mom! The noise will attract more of them! CHRIS Let's try for the mall. Sam leads the others toward town. EXT. MAIN STREET - NIGHT Chris and Sam hang onto the panicked kids. Harlan brings up the rear. The place is chaos. People are chased by spiders. Dragged by spiders. Killed by spiders. Eaten by spiders. CHRIS My truck's at the museum. SAM Your keys? CHRIS In my other pants. MIKE Look out! The group flees a trio of goo-firing spitters. Suddenly a familiar mini-van races past. HARLAN Stop! Take us with you! Harlan tries to flag down the speeding ride but sees... The van's occupants are locked in combat with a jumper. The beast is inside their vehicle and tearing them to pieces. The van crashes. EXT. POWER LINES (MAIN STREET, TOWN) - NIGHT A group of orb weavers scurry across power lines. They hit a transformer, shorting it out. The entire town is suddenly plunged into darkness. Headlights. GUNFIRE. Moonlight. Spotty illumination for the arachnids' feeding frenzy. 65. EXT. ALLEY (TOWN) - NIGHT A dumpster. The lid rises slightly. Wade Hale peers out from within. He lifts the lid higher, oblivious to the wolf spider on top of it. The spider reaches down at him. WADE No! Please! The spider is suddenly BLOWN AWAY by Sam and Chris. Wade climbs out of the dumpster. WADE Thank you! Chris and Sam move on with the kids. Wade runs after them. Mike looks at garbage-covered Wade. MIKE You stink. WADE (to Ashley) Have you seen Bret? ASHLEY He was out at the dunes. SAM Go ahead. I've got your butt. CHRIS What? SAM Your back! I've got your back! Chris gives Sam a funny look. Maybe Gladys was right... EXT. MAIN STREET - NIGHT Sam leads her group down toward the mall. Other groups of survivors do likewise. As they get closer to the mall the groups coalesce into one large pack. We recognize Deputy Pete. Fireman Travis. The roller-skating waitress. Floyd. Leroy. Hank. Emma. And many other locals. EXT. DESERT (NEAR MALL) - NIGHT Sam and Chris are at the front of the mob with their kids. (CONTINUED) 66. CONTINUED: Suddenly a trapdoor spider pops out of the ground. It grabs Travis the fire chief, and pulls him under, quickly replacing the roof of its den. TRAVIS SCREAMS underground. MIKE Trapdoors! They're all around us! SAM How can we spot them? Mike consults his Cassiopeia. MIKE I didn't download that part! ASHLEY You dork! The group wheels at the MUFFLED SOUNDS. They see nothing. They hear another MUFFLED SCREAM, and the top of the spider's den pops up. Travis drags himself out of it. TRAVIS Help... me... please... He is dragged back underground. The group continues toward the mall entrance. Suddenly a gun-toting hunter is grabbed by a trapdoor. He goes cyclic, madly FIRING his GUN into the air as he's dragged under. More beasts rise out of their dens. Reaching for the humans. CHRIS Keep going! Chris and the others flee toward the mall. Some of them SHOOT at the spiders as they run. Leroy is grabbed by a trapdoor. Floyd tries to help but the spider plunges its fangs into poor Leroy, dragging him under. The group clears the trapdoor minefield. But some of the spiders have vacated their dens and are coming after them. 67. EXT. MALL ENTRANCE - NIGHT Chris and Sam and the kids lead just fifteen other survivors to the glass doors. The doors are locked. Wade pulls out a ring of fifty keys and fumbles with them desperately. ASHLEY There's someone inside! The group sees Norman the dope dealer janitor approaching out of the gloom. He's staring at them all curiously. NORMAN We're closed. Sam points her gun at him. Norman raise his hands in shock. NORMAN Wait! I have a prescription! It's for my glaucoma! SAM Open this goddamn door! NORMAN Yes, ma'am. Norman unlocks the door and lets the group in. INT. MALL - NIGHT The survivors hustle inside. They lock the glass doors behind them. The spiders are still coming. MIKE Get away from the doors! NORMAN Be cool, little dude. They're locked. MIKE Glass won't stop them! The spiders begin smashing through the glass doors. Chris and Sam SHOOT to keep them back. People flee into the mall. SAM The gates! Close the gates! (CONTINUED) 68. CONTINUED: Wade and Norman proceed to lower the slotted steel security gates. Only problem is: Sam and Chris are on the other side. ASHLEY Mom! MIKE Hurry up! Sam and Chris see the gate coming down. They run for it and slide underneath just as the gate comes down. A massive trapdoor slams up against the metal. But the metal holds. SAM Shut the other entrances! Norman and Chris run toward the opposite end of the mall. INT. MALL - SOUTH ENTRANCE - NIGHT Chris and Norman arrive. Spiders are SMASHING through the GLASS. Chris and Norman bring the gate down. They back away as more spiders slam against the steel. NORMAN Trick or treat. Chris and Norman head back to join the others. They find... INT. HOME AND GARDEN STORE (MALL) - NIGHT The survivors gather makeshift weapons. Floyd take a chainsaw off the wall. Norman practices swinging a heavy sledgehammer, accidentally toppling a stack of paint cans. Hank stands before a display of circular buzz saws. Chris goes to where Sam doles out the few firearms. CHRIS We're sealed up at both ends. Sam hands Chris a shotgun. He tries to get the feel of it. SAM You pump the slide to jack in a fresh round. Point at your target and squeeze. (CONTINUED) 69. CONTINUED: Chris tries it out, pumping the slide. A shell flies out the slide of the weapon and hits Wade in the head. WADE Watch it! CHRIS Like that? Sam shakes her head and takes the gun back. She pulls a machete off the wall and hands it to Chris. SAM Try not to cut yourself. INT. MALL - NIGHT The place has the feeling of a fortress under a siege. Separate groups of townspeople are stationed at the entrances to watch the spiders' every move. INT. MALL - NORTH ENTRANCE - NIGHT WADE Why didn't we see them earlier? MIKE For the last time! They can't handle the sunlight. They were waiting in the mines for the sun to go down! CHRIS Then at daybreak they'll go back inside. We can walk out the front door. MIKE We won't make it that long. ASHLEY They're gonna come in after us? MIKE They're growing very fast. They need food to sustain that kind of development. HANK Someone should go out and get help. (CONTINUED) 70. CONTINUED: EMMA You go, Sam. SAM Me? WADE You're the sheriff. SAM I don't have that many handcuffs. PETE What about the police radio? SAM You're not goin' back out there, Pete. None of us are. CHRIS Radio Shack is full of cell phones. WADE But the signal won't get out of the valley. That's why we couldn't sell any of the damn things. HARLAN My antenna... The group looks up. The moon-cast shadow of the antenna is visible on the skylights that run the length of the mall. HARLAN I could climb up to the top. I bet I could get a signal out. WADE Great idea. You should do that. CHRIS I'll cover you, Harlan. INT. MALL - NIGHT Wade leads Chris and Harlan toward an access door. Sam stands with her kids. Watching. Chris looks over his shoulder for one last look. Sam runs up to him, gives him the shotgun. (CONTINUED) 71. CONTINUED: SAM Are you sure you can handle this? CHRIS (re: pants) While I'm gone, do you think you could find me a size 32? SAM I'll do my best. (a beat) Uhh... Do you want to go out sometime? Dinner? Maybe a movie? Chris takes her in his arms and plants a kiss on her lips. Wade holds open the nearby access door. WADE Hey, loverboy... you've got a town to save. Chris and Harlan head out. Sam watches them disappear through the door and then returns to the survivors. ASHLEY You're not really going to get him bigger pants are you? SAM No way. INT. MALL - ACCESS STAIRS - NIGHT Wade leads Chris and Harlan up a tight staircase. The door at the top is identified as "Roof Access." Wade reaches the door. The others bunch up behind him. CHRIS Don't even think about locking this door. WADE I'll be right here waiting. Wade slowly opens the roof door. EXT. MALL - ROOF - NIGHT Chris and Harlan step onto the roof with their gear. No sign of any spiders. (CONTINUED) 72. CONTINUED: Wade closes the door behind them and locks it. Chris and Harlan aren't happy to hear that LOCK TURN. They sneak across the roof toward the base of the antenna. CHRIS It looks clear. Harlan starts climbing. Chris stands guard at the bottom. Neither of them sees the horde of spiders climbing up the side of the building toward the roof. INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET - MALL - NIGHT Mike collects perfume. Packing it into his pockets like grenades. Ashley is nearby, checking out the lingerie. ASHLEY I didn't know you wore cologne. MIKE I don't. It's spider repellent. Sam steps in through the door. SAM Let's stay together, guys. ASHLEY (holds up a teddy) Can I get this? SAM Move it! The kids run out to join their mom. After they go... The grill of an air vent is pushed open. A huge spitting spider pushes its way through. Dropping to the floor. Another spider follows. EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Harlan is high up on the antenna. He has a cell phone in hand. It still indicates: "NO SERVICE." He keeps climbing. EXT. MALL - ROOF - NIGHT Chris sees spiders flood onto the roof. (CONTINUED) 73. CONTINUED: CHRIS We've got company! He tries to COCK the SHOTGUN. Ejecting a shell out the side. CHRIS This always looks so easy on TV! Chris gets it figured out just in time to BLAST an attacking spider. He fades back toward the antenna. SHOOTING. EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Harlan checks the phone. HARLAN I've got a signal! He dials 911. EXT. MALL - ROOF - NIGHT Chris is surrounded by spiders. He starts climbing up the antenna. CHRIS They're coming! EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Harlan is on the phone. He hears... OPERATOR (V.O.) 911 Emergency. HARLAN I'm calling from Prosperity Nevada! We're being attacked by giant spiders! The entire town has been overrun! Chris yells up to him. CHRIS No! Don't say that! OPERATOR (V.O.) This is Emergency Services. Not dial-a-joke. (CONTINUED) 74. CONTINUED: CLICK. The LINE GOES DEAD. Chris climbs up beside him. He FIRES several BLASTS at the approaching spiders. CHRIS What happened? HARLAN They didn't believe me! CHRIS What a shock! Try again! The spiders are closing in as Harlan re-dials. OPERATOR (V.O.) 911 Emergency. HARLAN There was a massive explosion! Everybody's dead! OPERATOR (V.O.) Sir, your number has been flagged as a source of a crank call. I'm afraid I must terminate this conversation. CLICK. HARLAN She hung up on me! CHRIS Climb! Chris FIRES the SHOTGUN. The spiders are closing in. INT. MALL - NIGHT Sam gazes up at the skylight. She can see the silhouette of Chris and Harlan climbing the antenna. Pursued by spiders. SAM (sotto) Oh my God... Ashley screams in horror nearby. ASHLEY They're inside! (CONTINUED) 75. CONTINUED: Sam whirls to see Ashley pointing at several spiders coming out of Victoria's Secret. Sam runs over to fight them. WADE Over here! He faces off against more spiders coming through the Home and Garden store. EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Harlan is at the top. Chris is a bit lower. The spiders are still coming. Chris SHOOTS at them. His GUN RUNS DRY. He flips it around and butt-strokes an approaching arac. A spider fires a web at Harlan. Nails the poor guy. And drags him off the antenna. Harlan falls off the antenna, back toward the spiders. Chris reaches out and grabs him. Holding Harlan's hand. CHRIS I've got you! Harlan makes eye-contact with Chris. They're both about to be killed unless... HARLAN Defend the human race! CHRIS No! Harlan jerks away from Chris's hand. He cannonballs down into the horde of spiders. Splattering several of the beasts along with himself. Chris throws the useless shotgun at an approaching arac and climbs even higher. He pulls out his machete and begins hacking at the guide-wires that hold the antenna upright. The spiders close in. Chris slices one wire. The antenna quivers. Chris slices another wire. The antenna shakes. INT. MALL - NIGHT Deputy Pete is standing with Sam and the kids when he's jerked off his feet and hauled into the maw of an arachnid. (CONTINUED) 76. CONTINUED: SAM Ashley! Mike! She sees Mike and Ashley avoid an arac by taking refuge inside the tunnels of the jungle gym. Sam FIRES the GUNS like Annie Oakley, putting spiders down left and right, trying to reach her kids. Floyd the barber confronts a spider with his chain-saw. FLOYD Having a bad hair day?! The spider charges. Floyd slices its legs off. FLOYD How about a little off the top! He slices another arac. EXT. MALL - ROOF - ANTENNA - NIGHT Chris dodges a spider's webline. Several more come at him. CHRIS You're going down! Chris cuts the last wire and hikes out over the skylight. The antenna keels over. Chris hangs tight as he drops toward the glass. INT. MALL - NIGHT Sam looks up to see Chris come crashing down through the skylight on the antenna. The antenna tilts in at a sixty degree angle. Chris hangs off the end. Orb weavers ride their weblines down to the floor of the mall. Mike peeks out from the top of the jungle gym. He sees a hundred spiders coming in on webs. Flooding out of the stores. The devil-spawned monsters are everywhere! MIKE Arac attack! Chris leaps from the antenna to a nearby web. He slides down it like a pole, squashing the orb weaver at the bottom. Sam runs to his side. (CONTINUED) 77. CONTINUED: SAM Did you get help?! Is anybody coming!? CHRIS We're on our own! Sam tosses him a gun and they head toward the jungle gym. The waitress roller-skates away from the spiders. She slaloms clear of several spitters. But gets tackled by a jumper. INT. MALL - JUNGLE GYM Ashley and Mike are hiding. ASHLEY I can't stay in here! Ashley starts to move out of the tube. She discovers the end has been covered with web. She pushes it. Something on the other side pushes back. Ashley scrambles back. Mike is already moving. The kids flee through the tubes to get away. ASHLEY What are they doing? MIKE (checks Cassiopeia) They're trapping us like ants in a log! Once they have all the exits blocked, they'll come in through the last one! They see a way out, head for that exit, only to find a spider coming through it. Mike tosses one of his perfume grenades at the spider, covering their retreat. Another spider comes after them through one of the tubes. Mike chucks another perfume bottle. The spider cowers. MIKE We've gotta go! Ashley finds a hole that leads to the slide. ASHLEY Here! She starts down with Mike close behind. A large spider looms at the end. Ashley tries to arrest her slide. But it's no use. At the last second Sam's boot kicks the arachnid clear. 78. INT. MALL - NIGHT Ashley and Mike pour out of the slide. Chris and Sam finish off the spider and then run with the kids. Emma runs parallel to them across the playground's sandbox. Only to be yanked under by a trapdoor spider. Hank sees this and goes after the spiders with all his tools. Getting revenge with a nail gun in each hand. HANK It's tool time! Floyd is still going crazy, slicing spiders with his chain-saw, he lets out a victorious yell until a hungry spider descends on him from above and knocks him to the floor. Chris passes a clothing store displaying Levi 501s. He stops for a moment to look at the jeans. SAM (O.S.) Chris! Chris continues on. All of the survivors meet in the middle of the mall and prepare for Custer's last stand. Spiders charge from all directions. Mike throws his perfume grenades. Sam and Chris SHOOT. Others use their make-shift weapons. Norman pulls out a joint and sparks it. Mike sees this and gets an idea. MIKE Where do you grow your weed?! NORMAN Dude, if I tell you, I have to kill you. Norman takes a hit on his reefer. MIKE They're going to kill us, you stoner! Norman sees the army of spiders closing in. NORMAN Over here! (CONTINUED) 79. CONTINUED: Norman opens an access door. Sam and the other survivors run over and crowd through it. Norman shuts the door behind them. The groups of pursuing spiders collide and begin ripping each other to pieces in a feeding frenzy. INT. MALL - ACCESS STAIRS - NIGHT Norman leads the survivors down the tight hallway. WADE Where are you taking us? NORMAN To Shangri-la. INT. MALL - BASEMENT POT ROOM - NIGHT Norman leads the survivors into a basement room full of pot paraphernalia. Hookahs. Weed growing in hydroponic units under battery powered lights. Psychedelic posters. NORMAN You aren't going to arrest me for this are you? SAM Not today. The group can hear SPIDERS BASHING at the upstairs door. WADE (to Norman) Oh great! Now you've trapped us! Chris moves to the bottom of the stairs. CHRIS We should be able to hold them off for a little while. Suddenly a loud BANGING ERUPTS on the wall behind them. ASHLEY They're coming through the wall! The group tightens up. Back to back. Ready for the end. Suddenly a human hand punches through the wall. CHRIS What the hell? (CONTINUED) 80. CONTINUED: Bret Hale rips through the drywall. Filthy but alive. Standing in a horizontal mine shaft. He sees Sam's gun pointed right at him. BRET I didn't touch her! I swear! Sam looks at Ashley. ASHLEY Don't waste your bullets. Wade embraces his son. WADE I thought you were a goner, boy! Chris steps to the opening for a closer look at the mine. CHRIS We can get out this way! ASHLEY Aren't the spiders in there? MIKE Not until daylight. The BANGING on the upper door gets more INTENSE. Norman grabs a flashlight and a bunch of battery powered grow lights from his weed farm. He passes them out to the group. Chris takes the flashlight and leads the way into the mine shaft. Bret is shocked as the others follow him. The group uses the grow lights, and flashlights. BRET You're going back in there?! Are you all crazy!? WADE Come on, Bret! BRET No way! I'm not going! Bret is alone in the room as the upper DOOR IMPLODES and spiders flood downstairs. Bret dives through the opening. 81. INT. MINE TUNNEL - NIGHT Bret runs past Sam and Chris. Sam FIRES her SHOTGUN at the first spider that enters the tunnel. Her GUN CLICKS DRY. She un-holsters her PISTOLS and FIRES. CHRIS Cover me! SAM What are you going to do?! Chris uses the machete to cleave into the tunnel's upper support beam. More spiders come into the tunnel. Sam FIRES desperately. Chris keeps on hacking. SAM Hurry! Sam's GUNS CLICK DRY. Spiders charge. Chris swings the machete hard. The ROOF COLLAPSES onto the attacking spiders. Chris and Sam leap back. Landing in a heap. Clouds of dust swirl around them. They are tangled up for an awkward beat. Their faces just inches from each other... SAM Hold that thought. They manage to disengage and move on. INT. MINE TUNNEL - NIGHT Chris and Sam move toward the bobbing lights of the few remaining survivors. WADE We're trapped again! CHRIS At least they can't follow us. SAM Which way do we go? CHRIS I think we're in one of the old tunnels. SAM Can you get us out of here? CHRIS Don't worry, Sam. Chris takes point with the others following nervously. 82. INT. MINES - JUNCTION - NIGHT A boarded-up shaft entrance. Suddenly the WOOD SPLINTERS. Chris and the others bash through. They file into a slightly more open area with two branching tunnels. The place is stacked from floor to ceiling with barrels of toxic waste. CHRIS I don't believe it... Mike recognizes the BioHazard warning label he saw on the barrel in the drainage ditch. MIKE I've seen one of these before! ASHLEY What are they? CHRIS Toxic waste. SAM Where did you see it, Mike? MIKE The creek where Joshua gets his spider food. There was one in the water. Chris starts toward the sloping tunnel. CHRIS We can get out this way! BRET No, we can't. (turns to Wade) Isn't that tunnel blocked off, Dad? Chris and the others look at Wade. WADE Uh... yeah... he's right. We can't get out that way. CHRIS You did this? WADE I knew you'd never sell... We're under my property so... (CONTINUED) 83. CONTINUED: SAM You put all of us at risk. WADE I didn't have a choice! I was broke! They gave me a hundred grand! Sam punches him. Knocking Wade to the ground. SAM I think our lives are worth a little more than that. CHRIS We're wasting time. Chris heads toward the only exit available. The others follow. Wade staggers to his feet. Stumbling after them. INT. MINE TUNNEL - NIGHT Chris leads the group down a tunnel. They come across bits of vintage mining gear. A string of old light bulbs runs along the roof into both tunnels. CHRIS One end of these lights should be connected to a generator. That'll be near the entrance. They continue down the tunnel. Entering... INT. MINES - TARANTULA DEN - NIGHT A large cavern. Animal carcasses litter the ground. Some human remains. Dead pets. Dead ostriches. WADE My birds! You see, Sam? I wasn't lying! That's what I can put on the insurance form... giant spiders! ASHLEY Ewww... what's that smell? The others are reacting strongly. (CONTINUED) 84. CONTINUED: CHRIS Methane. This cavern is full of gas. ASHLEY What does that mean? CHRIS One spark and we're all dead. Norman swallows his glowing joint. Chris shines his flashlight on a pile of mummy bundles. MIKE That's what I was talking about, Chris. Presents from the male tarantula to the female. BRET So the female's around here? Bret looks around nervously. The group moves closer. They sine their lights on a horrifying sight. Joshua's corpse is a deflated flesh balloon. Yellowed teeth sneer from a shattered skull. He's completely desiccated. Every ounce of liquid drained away. Mike hides his eyes. Ashley comforts him. SAM That one just moved! Chris runs over and slices it open with his machete. The web comes away to reveal a human hand. CHRIS There's somebody in here! Chris cuts away more web as the other survivors help. They finally reveal Gladys. CHRIS Gladys! The woman's body begins to spasm. CHRIS Gladys, please... (to the others) Can anybody help her?! (CONTINUED) 85. CONTINUED: Suddenly Ashley pushes her way forward. ASHLEY Her breathing is shallow. She's going into arrest. Ashley proceeds with CPR. Just like she saw on TV. Suddenly Gladys snaps out of it. Gasping for air. CHRIS It's okay. It's okay. Gladys starts to get a grip. Trying to focus on Chris. From this angle Chris look like he has a golden halo. GLADYS Am I... dead? CHRIS You're okay. GLADYS I'm not in heaven? CHRIS No... GLADYS Then what's with all the gold? Gladys points behind Chris's head to the wall of the cavern. The group turns their lights on it. The reflection is dazzling. Veins of gold criss-cross the cavern walls. WADE Gold! Gold! Look! It's everywhere! SAM Is it real? Chris checks it out. CHRIS Jesus... it's the mother lode... He was right. My dad was right... Chris helps Gladys to her feet. They share an emotional look of recognition. GLADYS So were you. (CONTINUED) 86. CONTINUED: Wade chips away at the gold. WADE Get as much as you can! Bret looks at Ashley. BRET Nice work, Doc. Ashley acknowledges him. Bret chips gold with Wade. Sam puts her hand on Ashley's shoulder. SAM You saved my life. Ashley smiles. Gladys leans over to Norman. GLADYS Have you got a smoke, kid? NORMAN The man says this cavern is full of highly flammable methane gas. I smoke to get high, not to die. SAM Spiders! The group sees a cluster of normal-sized tarantulas scuttling out of the shadows. NORMAN What's the big deal? Norman steps on the closest one, grinding it under his boot. He stomps around, crushing as many as he can. Mike watches this curiously. Taking a look at one of the squashed bodies. MIKE I think you should stop. NORMAN Why? MIKE They don't have hair. They aren't fully grown tarantulas. Chris and Sam look over. (CONTINUED) 87. CONTINUED: MIKE They're giant babies! Norman freezes. He hears SOMETHING MOVING around in the dark. And then a spine chilling... GROWL. Chris reacts to the noise. He can guess what's coming... The FEMALE TARANTULA steps out of the shadows. Consuela has grown to be as big as a Volkswagen MicroBus. By far the largest spider we've seen yet. Covered in hair. Massive eyes. Her two fangs are the size of machetes. Mike's eyes go wide at the sight of his old nemesis. MIKE Consuela. CHRIS Consuela? The fur on Consuela's back seems to undulate. There is something weird there. A lot of weird things. In fact... her entire back is littered with hundreds of baby tarantulas. As Consuela advances, she flicks several dart-sized quills off her belly right into Norman. A dark stain spreads across the drug dealer's shirt. NORMAN Bummer... Consuela pierces Norman with her fangs, holding him tight. Babies flood of her back and onto the doper, chewing him to pieces like ravenous piranhas. CHRIS Go! The group flees toward the opposite end of the cavern. A male tarantula drops down to block their escape. Sam BLOWS it away. Wade and Bret are still chipping away bits of gold. CHRIS Leave it! WADE So you can keep it all!? Hell no! Wade gets a nugget off the wall. He only has a nanosecond to admire it before Consuela suddenly looms behind him. (CONTINUED) 88. CONTINUED: BRET Dad! Bret reaches out toward his father. Wade reaches for him. Consuela's fangs suddenly protrude from Wade's chest and he's hauled backward. The tarantula flings Wade into the cave. CHRIS Bret, come on! Bret runs after the others. But he sees Consuela firing more quills at the group. Directly at Ashley. Bret leaps into harm's way. He's turned into a pin cushion. ASHLEY Bret! Ashley goes to his side. BRET I'm sorry I... Bret dies. Sam drags Ashley away from him. INT. MINES - NIGHT The survivors flee along the tunnel. Chris jumps up to rip down the string of light bulbs from the ceiling. SAM We have to get out! CHRIS This is our chance to kill them all. Chris smashes the bulb at the end of the strand. CHRIS When the power comes on, the bulb will ignite the methane and torch them! SAM Where did you get an idea like that!? Chris looks at Gladys. GLADYS I blew up the kitchen. (CONTINUED) 89. CONTINUED: CHRIS Keep going up the tunnel. There should be a generator at the exit. Start it up and await for my signal to throw the switch. SAM And the toxic waste... CHRIS Will be buried under tons of rock! Go! SAM What about you? CHRIS I need to set the fuse as close to the spiders as I can. That should give us time to get clear. Sam and Chris share a brief beat. And then Chris pulls down the lights, dragging them back toward the tarantula's den. SAM He has a cute butt. Don't you think? GLADYS U.S.D.A. choice. INT. MINES - TARANTULA DEN - NIGHT Chris comes through with his light bulb fuse. Consuela and her babies are feasting on the bodies of Bret and Wade Hale. Chris finds a vent in the ground. He sprinkles dust over it to identify a faint draft. CHRIS Bingo. He positions the shattered light bulb beside this gas jet. INT. MINE TUNNELS - NIGHT Mike helps Gladys up the tunnel. Sam and Ashley are behind. Suddenly a male tarantula steps out of the shadows, separating the groups. (CONTINUED) 90. CONTINUED: MIKE Mom! SAM Keep going! Sam and Ashley flee down another tunnel. INT. MINES - TARANTULA DEN - NIGHT Chris finishes preparing the booby trap. He gets up to leave. Only to find Consuela coming toward him. CHRIS I hate spiders. Chris runs out of the cavern. INT. MINE TUNNEL - NIGHT Chris bails out of the cavern and starts running. INT. MINE TUNNELS - NIGHT Sam and Ashley flee the male tarantula. Sam stumbles over something on the ground. It's Bret Hale's lost motorcycle. Ashley looks back and sees the tarantula coming after them. ASHLEY Hurry! Sam lifts the MOTORCYCLE upright and climbs on. She STARTS it and REVS the ENGINE. Ashley leaps aboard. Sam accelerates along the shaft, away from the spider. The bike's headlight illuminates their path. The male tarantula scurries after the bike. Sam rides the motorcycle along the shaft. Ashley hangs on tight. They've put some distance between themselves and the male tarantula. A dead-end looms before them. Ashley screams as her mom stops on a dime and does a 180. Sam rides back the way they came, heading straight toward the male tarantula. Ashley looks over her mother's shoulder at the giant spider coming in the opposite direction. ASHLEY Oh shit. (CONTINUED) 91. CONTINUED: Sam lifts the bike into a wheelie as the tarantula nears. SAM Banzai! With perfect timing, she brings the front wheel down hard onto the tarantula's back. Crunch! The spider is roadkill. Sam steers them down another tunnel. EXT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAWN Mike and Gladys gather at a generator just shy of the tunnel exit. Mike tries to start the generator. It won't catch. MIKE It needs gas! GLADYS There's a ranch! Gladys heads over toward Wade's ranch. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN Chris runs along the tunnel. Consuela charges after him, Chris reaches up, smashing more light bulbs as he runs. EXT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAWN Mike is at the generator as Sam and Ashley ride up on the motorcycle. MIKE It needs gas! Sam tips over the motorcycle, trying to get gas out of the tank. It's clear this is not going to work. ASHLEY Hurry! INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN Chris runs. Smashing light bulbs. Consuela close behind. CHRIS Start the generator! 92. EXT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAWN MIKE He's coming! ASHLEY Hurry, Mom! Sam has dumped some fuel into the generator. She tries to start it. It won't turn over. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN Chris ducks as Consuela fires quills at him. He keeps going. INT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - DAWN Sam sees Chris at the bottom of the tunnel. She tries to start the generator again but it refuses to cooperate. CHRIS Throw the switch! SAM I don't have any power! ASHLEY Yo, Mom! Sam turns as Ashley throws her the STUN GUN. Sam catches it and brings it down to the light bulb cable... ZAPPING it. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN As Chris runs, the light bulbs illuminate sequentially, traveling past him into the cavern. INT. MINE TUNNEL - DAWN A broken light bulb sparks. The filament ignites the gas-filled tunnel. A ball of flame spreads throughout the mines. INT. MINES - TARANTULA DEN - DAWN A huge column of flame blasts into the chamber. All the gold is illuminated. Consuela's babies are burned like popcorn. 93. EXT. MINE TUNNEL EXIT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAY Sam looks back to see Chris running toward her. Consuela is on his heels. The glow of a fireball is right behind them. SAM Come on! Chris looks over his shoulder at Consuela and the flames. SAM Chris! Chris makes it to Sam just ahead of the conflagration. EXT. DESERT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAY Sam and Chris dive out of the mine opening. A pillar of flame shoots out behind them. Ashley and Mike are nearby. The town is visible just a mile away. EXT. TOWN - DAY The spiders retreat from daylight. Scuttling back into the buildings. Heading down into the mine shafts. INT. VARIOUS MINE TUNNELS - DAY The chain reaction spreads through the mines. Jets of flame blast up tunnels. Torching any unlucky spiders looking for a home. Rupturing the very earth around them. EXT. DESERT - NEAR WADE'S RANCH - DAY The EARTH BEGINS TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY. ASHLEY Earthquake! CHRIS No! It's a chain reaction! The whole valley is going to blow! MIKE We'll never get out in time! Gladys drives up in Wade's humvee. Cigar in mouth. (CONTINUED) 94. CONTINUED: GLADYS Let's get the fuck out of here! The survivors pile into the truck as the town begins to BLOW UP in the distance. Chris is just about to climb aboard when... A webline shoots out of the nearby mine shaft. Consuela lives! The spider is charred and bloody. But she's primed for revenge. Chris is yanked off his feet and hauled toward her. He fumbles for his machete and hacks at the webline. Cutting himself free just before getting impaled on Consuela's fangs. Consuela knocks away Chris's machete and lunges down at him. Chris kicks her belly with both his feet. Consuela begins to shudder. Jagged cracks appear in her charred carapace. Chris kicks and tears at the failing armor. He thinks he's harming the tarantula, but he's actually helping it! Mike and the others watch from the humvee. MIKE Oh no... she's molting! Consuela's blistered shell cracks as she shrugs the damaged skin away from her body. Chris is amazed to see the spider has grown a full size larger and become totally rejuvenated! Consuela comes after Chris. He defends himself with the machete. Shining steel makes contact with the dripping fangs. Once again Consuela punts away the machete. She prepares the death blow. It looks like curtains for Chris. MIKE Consuela! No! Bad! Bad Consuela! The massive spider stops in shock. Chris looks back to see Mike has returned. TARANTULA POV The familiar multi-perspective spider vision. The tarantula seems to recognize Mike. 95. BACK TO MIKE He throws his Cassiopeia PDA at the spider's face... Chris uses this moment of confusion to grab his machete and drive it deep into the spider's unprotected abdomen... The tarantula screams. Chris leaps up and runs, scooping up Mike. They dive into the back of the humvee. Consuela tries to follow but is mortally wounded. She collapses in the dust. The TOWN EXPLODES in the b.g. The earth itself begins to collapse. INT. HUMVEE - DRIVING ACROSS DESERT - DAY Gladys accelerates as the town sinks in the distance. BUILDINGS EXPLODE. Jets of flame burst upward. The mall is sucked into the widening pit of collapsing earth. The humvee is just a cart length ahead of a wave of crumbling desert. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The humvee reaches open road. The survivors watch out the back as Prosperity disappears into a massive sinkhole. EXT. HIGHWAY/INT. HUMVEE - MOVING - DAY The group sits in a long beat of abject shock. And then Chris looks down to see his tight pants have finally ripped. CHRIS I really need some pants that fit. The group smiles. Happy to be alive. MIKE Look out! Everyone looks to the road ahead. A familiar bunny rabbit hops across the highway. Gladys HONKS and swerves to avoid it. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The bunny gets clear as the humvee drives away toward safety. (CONTINUED) 96. CONTINUED: The rabbit continues its trek for a moment, and then is grabbed by a large trap-door spider. FADE OUT. THE END?

Election - by Alexander Payne andJim Taylor ELECTION by Alexander Payne & JIM Taylor Third Draft July 22,1997 Based on the novels by Tom Perotta EXT. MILLARD HIGH -- DAWN The school stretches out before us, slumbering in the overcast morning air. Along the front sidewalk, a lone JANITOR trundles a garbage bin filled with overstuffed hefty bags. A weathered FORD ESCORT pulls into the empty PARKING LOT and comes to a stop near the athletic field. A TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE - TRACY (VO) None of this would have happened if Mr. McAllister hadn't meddled the way he did. He should have just accepted things as they are instead of trying to interfere with destiny. You see, you can't interfere with destiny. That's why it's destiny. And if you try to interfere, the same thing's going to happen anyway, and you'll just suffer. JIM MCALLISTER, a teacher in his mid to late-thirties, emerges from the car in running clothes and carrying a briefcase, gym bag, and coffee mug. On his way to the field, he crosses paths with the janitor. JIM Morning, Lowell Lowell nods, hoists a bag and tosses it into a dumpster. EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD -- DAWN JIM CIRCLES THE TRACK, sweating and panting. ON THE GROUND JIM does sit ups JIM Twenty-one... twenty-two. He collapses onto his back. His head rolls to one side, and he glances past the fence at -- THE PARKING LOT Where a second CAR is just arriving. JIM watches as TRACY FLICK, a junior, and her MOTHER get out. The mother helps remove a CARD TABLE and a big plastic sack from the trunk before Tracy heads toward the school. MOTHER (distant) Good luck! JIM turns his gaze toward the sky, closes his eyes, sighs. INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM -- DAY Naked in the showers, JIM pumps liquid soap from the wall- mounted metal dispenser. INT. HILLARD HALL DAY THE LEGS OF A CARD TABLE - as Tracy spreads them open and locks them into place. STICKS OF GUM from a Plen-T-Pack are emptied into a FISHBOWL- SCOTCH TAPE is wrapped around the end of a pen to attach a piece of string INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM DAY AT THE MIRROR JIM adjusts the knot of his tie, notices a little shaving cream in his ear. INT. MILLARD HALL DAY FOUR CLIPBOARDS with pens and lined sheets of paper are being placed in a row like little soldiers. The top of every sheet reads "Tracy Flick for President: Official Nomination Signatures." INT. FACULTY LOUNGE -- MORNING AT THE REFRIGERATOR JIM tries to place his lunch inside, but the shelves are too crammed with old take-out containers. He opens one and smells it. Disgusted, he drags a garbage can over and begins throwing things away. Lowell appears in the doorway wheeling his squeaky maintenance cart and watches JIM conduct his purge as A CHINESE FOOD BOX misses the can and rolls on the floor. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY Tracy is seated behind her card table strategically placed near the school's main entrance. A sign taped to the wall behind her reads, TRACY FOR PREZ. SIGN UP FOR TOMORROW, TODAY! She checks her watch, readies herself. JIM walks around the corner whistling vaguely. TRACY Good morning, Mr. McAllister. JIM Not wasting any time, are you, Tracy? TRACY (chirping) You know what they say about the early bird. JIM Yes, I do. An awkward moment passes between them. JIM Well, good luck there, Tracy TRACY Thanks, Mr. M. AS JIM turns and walks away, Tracy watches him. He stops and picks up some litter, tosses it in a nearby garbage can. TRACY (VO) No matter what he says, Mr. McAllister had it out for me from the start. Oh sure, he was all smiles and good wishes and everything, but underneath he was just as unfair and petty as anybody else. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY Alone in his room, JIM studies the Omaha World-Herald TRACY (VO CONT'D) He'll probably tell you how committed he was to teaching and democracy and integrity and all. Don't be fooled. After laying the paper down to circle an article, JIM leans back in his chair and momentarily loses himself in thought. JIM (VO) It's hard to remember how the whole thing started, the whole election mess. What I do remember is that I loved my job. I was a teacher, an educator, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Suddenly a VOICE -- VOICE (OS) Hey, Mr. M. Mr. M.! JIM glances OUT THE WINDOW and sees a kid -- PAUL METZLER -- pointing at him. Paul walks with a LIMP. Behind him, other STUDENTS approach the school. PAUL Stop daydreaming! Get back to work! JIM enjoys the affectionate joshing and gives the kid a wave. He returns to his newspaper, a contented man. JIM (VO) The students knew it wasn't just a job for me. EXT. MILARD HIGH FOOTBALL STADIUM -- NIGHT JIM sits in the bleachers, clapping his hands over his head. JIM C'mon, wolverines! Defense! Let's hold 'em back! JIM (VO) I got involved. And I cared. INT. MILLARD GYM DAY AT A PEP RALLY - JIM is dressed as a WESTERN VILLAIN, and his black hat reads "Lincoln South." With a menacing grimace he approaches a group of FOOTBALL PLAYERS at a poker table. JIM (VO CONT'D) And I think I made a difference. A CORNER OF THE SCHOOL DAY JIM has a comforting hand of the shoulder of a CRYING GIRL JIM (VO CONT'D) I knew I touched the students' lives during their difficult young adult years, and I took that responsibility seriously. INT. AUDITORIUM -- NIGHT JIM trots up the stairs to receive a plaque. He beams. JIM (VO CONT'D) In the twelve years I taught U.S. History, Civics and current Events at Millard, I was voted Teacher of the Year three times - a school record. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY Mr. McAllister reads aloud from the newspaper as he paces in front of his class of high school juniors, Tracy Flick among them. The seats are arranged in a SEMI-CIRCLE. JIM (VO CONT'D) Standing in front of a room full of young people, trying to make them think that's how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, JIM slaps the newspaper for emphasis and addresses the class JIM So would this be an ethical situation or a moral situation? What's the difference between ethics and morals, anyway? Tracy shoots her hand into the air. JIM notices but keeps looking around. JIM (CONT'D) Anybody Other hands rise tentatively JIM (CONT'D) Derek DEREK Uh, ethics is like when you, uh, do what society tells you is right and morals are like, uh... JIM You're on the right track, who can help him out? DEREK ..morals are when... Tracy's hand goes higher. JIM Michelle? MICHELLE Morals are like lessons, you know, like the moral of a story; it's what you learn from a story or a fable or something. . . JIM Or a life experience. Good. And ethics? MICHELLE That's more like, urn... Ethics is how you use the morals... that you learn from a story? JIM weighs the answer, tries to be encouraging. JIM Okay. But we're still missing something key here. What are we missing? TRACY (hand still raised) I know. JIM (finally) Tracy. TRACY Ethics are... FREEZE FRAME on Tracy, her hand lowering, her mouth agape. JIM (VO) Tracy Flick. Tracy Flick. I've never met anyone quite like Tracy Flick. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM -- DAY -- ONE YEAR PREVIOUS JIM sits to one side, monitoring the student council MEETING about to convene. A younger Tracy enters briskly and, unlike her casual teen comrades, has made an attempt to dress for success. She takes a seat right up front and opens her backpack. After preparing her notepad and pen, Tracy puts a MICROCASSETTE RECORDER on the table in front of her and pushes RECORD. JIM (VO CONT'D) She first showed up in my life as a freshman delegate in student council. I'd seen a lot of ambitious students come and go over the years, but I could tell right away Tracy Flick was different. JIM observes Tracy, trying to size her up. ON TRACY -- putting all her little things in order, finally folding her hands to wait. JIM (VO CONT'D) It wasn't long before everyone knew who Tracy Flick was. She made sure of that. Her drive was astonishing. Even scary. A FAST-PACED MONTAGE BEGINS UNDER TRACY'S VOICE-OVER: INSERT HILLARD HIGH YEARBOOK It fans open to the INDEX. PAN DOWN to Tracy's name followed by countless page references TRACY (VO CONT'D) Some people say I'm an overachiever, but I think they're just jealous. A page number turns BOLD, and the other numbers drop away Suddenly we are on that page, and we PAN to a headline: "Spanish Club says Oh La!" PAN to the group shot and ZOOM in on Tracy smiling in a big SOMBRERO. TRACY (VO CONT'D) My Mom always tells me I'm different -- you know, special. And if you look at all the things I've accomplished so far, I think you'd have to agree. We see Tracy on other pages too: "Yearbook Staff goes for it!" "Junior Achievers put on the dog!" "Student Council meets the challenge;" Oklahoma's a hit! TRACY (VO CONT'D) Here I am in Oklahoma. The STILL of Tracy in Oklahoma suddenly COMES TO LIFE. INT. MILLARD HIGH AUDITORIUM NIGHT On stage, Tracy wears a cowgirl outfit and hams it up with exaggerated gestures. TRACY (off-key) I'm just a girl who can't say no... TV INSERT/INT. CAFETERIA DAY It's the closed-circuit school NEWS BROADCAST. Tracy is delivering a stand-up report from the crowded cafeteria. Her dress and makeup are an obvious if lame emulation of a professional newswoman. TRACY (VO) And here I am on KMHS, our student-run TV station. TRACY (ON TV) ..that's why Principal Hendricks made the controversial announcement that the littering must stop. Tracy Flick reporting. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL MEETING ROOM -- AFTERNOON A Student Council meeting is underway led by the president, LARRY FOUCH. A girl, ASHLEY, is speaking. JIM observes from the side. TRACY (VO) But it was in SGA, the Student Government Association, where I made my biggest mark. I never missed a meeting, and I volunteered for every committee as long as I could lead it. Before Ashley can finish, Tracy STANDS UP TRACY I agree with Ashley. We should rent the barrels at least a day beforehand. What happened last time was a travesty, I mean, we were -- LARRY FOUCH (trying to quiet her) Yeah, no, I know, Tracy. That's why we're -- Look, can we just take a vote on this? INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY BACK TO TRACY still frozen mid-sentence, waiting to finish her answer. JIM (VO) Now at the end of her junior year, Tracy was poised to win the presidency of the student body. And so far she was running unopposed. TRACY COMES BACK TO LIFE TRACY ...the rules of conduct determined by a culture at a... SHE FREEZES AGAIN JIM (VO) Oh. There's one more thing about Tracy I think you should know. INT. MILLARD STAFF-ROOM -- DAY CLOSE ON DAVE NOVOTNY, another teacher in his mid-thirties DAVE Her pussy gets so wet you can't believe it. WIDE - Dave is leaning across his desk to speak with JIM at an adjacent work area. They eat sack lunches. JIM (VO) A few months before the election, she'd had an affair with my best friend Dave Novotny. JIM Don't tell me that. I don't want to know that. DAVE She's incredible. Everything just gets soaked. INT. JIM'S BASEMENT DAY Dun-dun-DUN... Dun-dun-DUN JIM and Dave are playing the opening notes of "Foxy Lady" through cheap, distorting amps. JIM plays bass. Dave plays guitar and sings into a microphone. They're bad. As in not good. The basement is typical of a Midwest middle-class young couple -- half storage and laundry, half makeshift roc-room. JIM (VO) Dave came to Millard the year after I did, and we hit it off right away. We backed each other up in teachers' meetings and shared an interest in 60's music and micro-breweries. CLOSE ON DAVE really getting into it, playing to an unseen stadium. Behind him JIM is very careful with his chords. JIM (VO CONT'D) You could tell Dave was one of those guys who taught because they never wanted to leave high school in the first place, and that could get a little irritating sometimes, but basically he was a real good guy. DAVE (singing) Foxy. . . Foxy. . . You know you're a cute little heartbreaker... Foxy... You know you're a sweet little love maker... CAMERA DRIFTS toward the stairs leading up. INT. JIM'S KITCHEN CAMERA DRIFTS from the open basement stairway door and toward DIANE MCALLISTER and SHERRY NOVOTNY seated at the kitchen table. They are fussing over little six-month-old DARRYL NOVOTNY in his highchair. JIM (VO) Our wives became best friends too. And when Dave and Sherry's son Darryl was born, they asked us to be godparents. At a particularly grating note from downstairs, Diane gets up and closes the basement door. INT. GEOMETRY CLASS AN ISOSCELES TRIANGLE is being drawn on the blackboard and bisected. PULL OUT to reveal Dave explaining. The class is taking notes, and we zero in on a younger Tracy. TRACY (VO CONT'D) YOU probably think the worst - that Mr. Novotny was just taking advantage of one of his students, but it wasn't like that at all. Our relationship was based on mutual respect and admiration. I mean, during my sophomore year in geometry it was strictly professional between us -- I mean, nothing. EXT. GODFATHER'S PIZZA -- NIGHT The parking lot, the neon lights, the promise of good times. TRACY (VO CONT'D) It wasn't until junior year when we worked together on the yearbook that things got serious. INT. GODFATHER'S PIZZA -- NIGHT Dave and Tracy are at a booth along with six other students. TWO KIDS DISSOLVE OUT OF FRAME, and the others shift positions. Others continue to disappear in the same way, until only Dave and Tracy remain. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One night he took us editors out to celebrate after a deadline. Eventually Dave and I were left alone and we got to talking - not like teacher and student, but like two adults. DAVE You know, Tracy... I don't know how to say this, but... Dave's finger traces the rim of his frosty root beer mug. TRACY what? DAVE Well, I notice you don't seem to have any close friends at Millard. You seem to be kind of a loner. TRACY No, I'm not. I'm just really busy. DAVE I know. I know its not by choice. I just mean, well, being the kind of person you are, it must be really difficult to find someone you can talk to. TRACY What do you mean? What kind of person am I? DAVE What kind of person? Dave looks directly into her eyes. DAVE (CONT'D) Tracy, I've been watching you for going on two years now, and I think you are one of the most talented, hard-working, sensitive, attractive, brilliant students -- no, human beings -- I have ever met. I mean, you're the real thing. Special. TRACY (embarrassed, low) Thank you. DAVE And I know sometimes people like you have to pay a price for their greatness, and that price is loneliness. Tracy nods in quiet recognition. DAVE (CONT'D) I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But it seems like you might need a friend. INT. MILLARD YEARBOOK OFFICE -- DAY A DOOR with cloudy glass and a stenciled sign: YEARBOOK OFFICE. DISSOLVE through the door and TRAVEL through an empty room to discover another door with a sign that reads DARKROOM. TRACY (VO) Since I grew up without a dad, you might assume psychologically I was looking for a father figure. DISSOLVE through the darkroom door to DAVE AND TRACY bathed in red light. Tracy is sitting on Dave's lap as they make out hungrily. TRACY (VO CONT'D) But that had nothing to do with it at all. It was just that Dave was so strong and made me feel so safe and protected. INT. DAVE'S CAR -- DAY Dave drives. Tracy sits in the passenger seat. TRACY (VO CONT'D) It was the first time somebody ever saw the real me, the me that nobody else knows. DAVE (looking around) Here, get down. EXT. NOVOTKY HOUSE - DAY Dave wheels his car into the open garage. The automatic door closes behind him. INT. NOVOTHY LIVIMG ROOM Dave stands up from his squat at the STEREO, and the sexy sounds of Sade set the mood. Tracy is seated awkwardly at one end of the sofa, a Diet Dr. Pepper in one hand. Dave walks slowly toward her, a sexy, knowing look in his eye. The music is sexy. Tracy is sexy. He's sexy. Keeping his eyes locked on Tracy's, he takes the pop can from her hand and takes a sip himself. Sexy. INT. NOVOTHY STAIRCASE DAY Dave and Tracy walk up the stairs and down the hall. Dave enters the bedroom first, while Tracy pauses in the hall. His arm reaches out and pulls her inside. INT. NOVOTNY BEDROOM DAY IN QUICK TIGHT CUTS we see Dave and Tracy DISROBING Tracy's head and naked shoulders lay themselves on Dave's pillow. She looks toward the foot of the bed at -- DAVE, unable to believe his eyes. He looks at naked Tracy up and down, up and down, his breath quickening. Sade wafts up the stairs. DAVE Look at you. He descends out of frame. TRACY (VO) When I think back on my relationship with Mr. Novotny, what I miss most. is our talks. INT. DAVE'S BASEMENT DAY JIM is riveted by Dave's story; he is both horrified and titillated JIM You did it at your house? Your own house? DAVE Look, Jim... Okay. I know it all seems crazy, and maybe it did start out, you know, for the... for the sex and the danger. But now it's different. Jim, what I'm trying to tell you is that Tracy and I are totally, totally in love. JIM In love? DAVE Yeah, it's serious. I mean she inspires me in ways Sherry never has. She even wants to read my novel. JIM But you haven't written your novel. DAVE That's the whole point. It's all in my head; it's right here. I just got to get it out there. Tracy wants me to write it so she can read it. It's beautiful. JIM Dave, I'm just saying this as your friend. What you're doing is really, really wrong, and you've got to stop. Dave draws a heavy sigh and buries his head in his hands perhaps JIM has reached him. Perhaps not. DAVE You're not just jealous, are you? I mean, we both used to talk about her JIM (exploding) That was just talk! Fantasy talk! What are you, nuts? We talk about girls all the time, but it doesn't mean anything. I would never. . . I mean, I take very seriously our strict moral code. The line you've crossed is... it's illegal and it's immoral. DAVE I don't need a lecture on ethics, Jim, okay? I know what -- JIM I'm not talking about ethics. I'm talking about morals. CLICK. SQUEAK. STEP STEP STEP. SHERRY (OS) Peek-a-boo! Sherry comes down the basement stairs with Darryl in her arms. DAVE (to Jim, whispering) Look, I appreciate your concern. I really do. But like I said, I got it under control. As Sherry approaches them, Dave rises to take Darryl, the perfect father: hug, tickle, kiss. JIM (VO) I guess I don't have to tell you how all this turned out. INT. PRINCIPAL HENDRICK'S OFFICE DAY CLOSE ON DAVE slumped in a chair. He is lost in agony: all he can do is look down and draw short, gasping breaths. Principal Walt Hendricks is at his desk, examining a little BOOKLET. JIM sits on the vinyl sofa. CLOSE ON -- the small makeshift booklet whose cover reads, "There's a place for us" in overdone fancy cursive. THE SECOND PAGE shows a cutout from a travel magazine of a swanky BEACHFRONT HOTEL. One room has been circled with the words "you and me" written next to it. Below: "A time and place for us." We HEAR Walt clearing his throat, swallowing. THE THIRD PAGE has glued to it a POSTCARD showing a couple hand-in- hand on the beach at sunset and reading, "Maui is for lovers." Below: Take my hand and we'll soon be there. THE LAST PAGE has a cutout of a bouquet of flowers. It reads, "Tracy, See you in paradise? Love, your 'teacher' David. P.S. I really, really need you now." The booklet is lowered. DAVE Tracy's Mom -- she doesn't understand. WALT No, I'd say she doesn't. I don't think I've ever seen a mother quite so upset. We're all very, very lucky she doesn't want this public. Dave looks at JIM for help. JIM looks away. Dave's breaths grow more convulsive. Finally - DAVE But we're in love WALT Dave. Dave, look at me Dave looks slowly up. WALT I want you to get some help. DAVE & SHERRY'S LIVING ROOM NIGHT Sherry cradles Darryl while Dave grovels at her feet. JIM (VO) After Dave got fired, Sherry kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. SHERRY Your novel? Are you fucking kidding me? Dave follows Sherry as she takes the baby into their bedroom and slams the door in Dave's face. Dave pounds on the door, eventually sinking to his knees and crying. DAVE Sherry Sherry Sheerrry. ... JIM (VO) He ended up moving back to Milwaukee to live with his parents. I haven't heard from him in a long time. Poor guy. I warned him. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY Tracy, still frozen, THAWS OUT. Maybe now she can finish TRACY ...certain time in history and RINGGGGG Maybe not. At the bell, students instantly shut their textbooks and collect their things. JIM Okay. We'll pick up here next time Tracy is miffed as she puts her things away: slam, stuff, zip. She slings her backpack over her shoulder and heads toward the door. She looks back at -- MR. MCALLISTER who himself now FREEZES as he talks to a couple of students TRACY (VO) Now that I have more life experience, I feel sorry for Mr. McAllister. CLOSE-UP FROZEN DETAILS - of Jim's appearance - his slightly frayed collar and bad tie; the heels of his old docksiders worn down at irritating angles; the faded impression his too-big wallet has made in his khakis; his growing bald spot; his ear hairs. TRACY (VO) I mean, anyone who's stuck in the same little room saying the exact same things year after year for his whole life, wearing the same stupid clothes, while his students go on to good colleges and move to big cities and do great things and make loads of money has got to be at least a little jealous. It's like my room says - the weak always try to sabotage the strong. Tracy turns and walks out the door. INT. TRACY'S HOUSE -- DAY CLOSE ON A SMILING LITTLE TRACY - in a Sears-style portrait. PAN across a wall full of other framed photos of Tracy accepting awards, dancing in a recital, poised to dive at a swim meet. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One thing that's important to know about me is that I'm an only child. So my Mom is really devoted to me, and I love her so much. She wants me to do all the things she wanted to do in life but couldn't. AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE Tracy's mother, BARBARA FLICK, finishes a letter and puts it in an envelope. TRACY (VO CONT'D) See, Mom used to be a stewardess for Northwest and now works as a para-legal. She likes to write letters to successful women like Janet Reno and Elizabeth Dole and ask them how they got to be where they are and what advice do they have for me, Tracy, her daughter. CLOSE ON BARBARA'S TONGUE as the envelope flap slides across it. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY A politician's SMILE plastered to her face, Tracy is at her card table vigorously gathering signatures. TRACY (VO CONT'D) Nine times out of ten they say you have to hold on to your dreams no matter what. The pressures women face mean you have to work twice as hard, and you can't let anything or anyone stand in your way. A shabbily dressed BURNOUT -- DOUG SCHENKEN -- walks past and grabs a huge handful of gum. TRACY One per person! Put those back I John just keeps on walking away, and his two BUDDIES take great delight in his nimble-witted, quick retort. DOUG SCHENKEN Eat me INT. HILLARD LIBRARY -- DAY While other students sit in groups around her, Tracy sits apart at her own table, concentrated and alone. She is writing little numbers by her signatures. TRACY Ninety-seven.. .ninety-eight. TRACY (VO) But you know, winning isn't everything. If you play fair and follow all the rules thoroughly, you'll always come out ahead. Win or lose, ethical conduct is the most important thing. Just ask Mr. McAllister. EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY CLOSE ON TRACY'S EXCITED FACE TRACY Mr. McAllister? Mr. McAllister! Wait up I Jim, his tie loose and his sleeves rolled up, looks up from unlocking his car. Tracy runs toward him holding out a TERM PAPER FOLDER. TRACY I got all my signatures. One hundred and fifty-eight -- way more than I need! JIM Hey, that's super TRACY Here they are. JIM You can put those in my box. I'll look at them tomorrow. TRACY Could you approve them now? I'd like to kick off my campaign right away, you know, in the morning. JIM (resigned) Right He cursorily flips through the bound pages and offers them back to Tracy. JIM (CONT'D) Looks good to me. TRACY Aren't you supposed to keep them? JIM NO, that's fine TRACY I thought you were supposed to keep them. JIM Okay, fine. Sure JIM throws his briefcase and Tracy's folder into the backseat. TRACY Thanks for everything. JIM You bet. Tracy stays put as JIM climbs in, shuts the door and fastens his seat belt. TRACY (cheery, awkward) I can't wait to start campaigning. JIM Should be easy. So far no competition. TRACY Hell, you know, Coca-Cola's the world's number one soft drink, but they spend more money than anybody on advertising. I guess that's how come they stay number one. JIM Yeah. Okay. well, good luck Tracy They exchange a long, curious stare. There's a tone at once confrontational and vaguely sexual about this moment. TRACY You know, Mr. M., when I win the presidency, that means you and I are going to be spending a lot of time together next year. And I for one would like that time to be harmonious and productive. Wouldn't you? JIM Sure TRACY Okay. That's good. I just wanted to make sure. JIM Good luck, Tracy. JIM pulls away and heads for the parking lot exit. INT.EXT. JIM'S CAR ON STREET -- DAY JIM drives stone-faced, unblinking. Something about the music on the radio mocks him. JIM (VO) I don't blame Tracy for what happened with Dave. How could I? Dave was an adult more than twice her age. EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKIKG LOT DAY JIM pulls to a stop next to a giant DUMPSTER Out of his window come yellowed newspapers, balled-up fast food bags, and other detritus. He speeds away. JIM (VO CONT'D) Sure, she got on my nerves once in a while, but I admired Tracy. I really did. INSIDE THE DUMPSTER we see Tracy's little bound book of signatures. INT. MCALLISTER DIKING ROOM - MIGHT JIM and his wife Diane sit at their dining room table, eating chicken pot pies, baked potatoes with sour cream, salad with Lite Ranch dressing. Not a word passes between them. JIM (VO CONT'D) Thank God for Diane. She was my best friend, my source of love and strength. Oh sure, we'd had our share of bumpy times, but we'd always seen them through. After nine years of marriage, we were closer than ever. And the secret? Good communication. DIANE Anything wrong? JIM Everything's fine. Just, you know, school. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM - NIGHT JIM lies awake in bed while Diane snores beside him. Something seems to be echoing in his head. TRACY'S VOICE ...You know, Coca-Cola's by far the number one soft drink... When I win the presidency we're going to be spending a lot of time together... a lot of time... lots and lots and lots of time... president and advisor. . . CLOSE ON JIM'S EAR as Tracy's LIPS magically whisper into it. TRACY ...harmonious and productive... close and special... you and I... so close... so intimate... together... INT. MCALLISTER BASEMENT NIGHT In the darkness a light pops on, and JIM quietly pads down the stairs. He opens an old CEDAR TRUNK, lifts out a few blankets and a piece of cardboard to reveal a row of PORNO TAPES cleverly concealed in the bottom of the trunk. ON THE TV SCREEN - A FOOTBALL PLAYER in uniform and helmet filets a CHEERLEADER in a locker room. JIM watches with detachment, as though watching the news. He sips a can of PEPSI. The football stud continues to bump and grind. Looking at his Pepsi can, JIM is suddenly inspired. JIM (quietly) Paul. EXT. SKI SLOPE (REAR PROJECTION) DAY PAUL METZLER is SKIING in goggles and scarf. Behind him is a cheesy dated rear projection of other skiers. Suddenly Paul loses his balance and FALLS. CLOSE ON PAUL writhing in the snow. PAUL Why. . . ? Why. . . ? PAUL (VO) I was so mad at God when I broke my leg at Shadow Ridge over Christmas break. INSERT X-RAY LIGHT BOX CLOSE ON AN X-RAY of a multiple FRACTURE. PAUL (VO CONT'D) The doctors told me I'd have to quit sports for at least a couple years if not forever. INSERT YEARBOOK PICTURE Paul kneels in his FOOTBALL UNIFORM. The photograph erupts in flames. Bonanza-style. PAUL (VO CONT'D) ...which meant no first-string quarterback in the fall. It was like the end of my life! EXT. MILLARD HIGH FRONT STEPS DAY Paul stands talking to FRIENDS in a very typical high school tableau. All wear backpacks or carry books. A GIRL kneels to sign his cast. PAUL (VO CONT'D) When I got back to school everybody was so supportive, and they all wanted to sign my cast and everything... EXT. MISSOURI RIVER LOCKOUT -- DAY Alone, Paul leans on his crutches and watches the river PAUL (VO CONT'D) ... but I still couldn't shake the feeling that now my life had no purpose. What did God want from me? THE VAST MISSOURI - always flowing, never stopping, no beginning, no end PAUL (VO CONT'D) Why did I exist? INT. LIBRARY DAY Paul is sleeping slumped over a table, his head cradled on crossed arms. The Celestine Prophecy is open face down next to him. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Sometimes you can search everywhere for answers. Then one day destiny just taps you on the shoulder. I know, because it happened to me. A FINGER reaches down and taps Paul's shoulder. Paul comes to and looks -- it's Mr. McAllister. JIM Paul, could I talk to you for a minute? MILLARD HALLWAY - DAY His arm on Paul's shoulder, JIM walks Paul down a deserted hall and into Jim's classroom. JIM picks up some scrap paper off the floor and puts it in the proper place. PAUL (VO) Mr. McAllister changed my life. And no matter what they say he did or did not do, I believe he is a good man. JIM'S CLASSROOM - DAY Paul sits in a chair, while JIM stands JIM Paul, I know you've been pretty down since your accident. PAUL I wanted to play next year so bad I could taste it. And maybe go on to... JIM I know. I understand disappointment. I really do. PAUL Yeah. JIM But you've got a big choice right now. You can choose to be depressed about it for the rest of your life. Or you can choose to see it for what it really is: an opportunity. I personally think you have a big future ahead of you, and I don't mean the fleeting glory of sports. PAUL What do you mean? JIM Let me give you a clue. You're a born leader. You're one of the most popular students at Millard. You're honest and straightforward. You don't choke under pressure, as we all saw in that amazing fourth quarter against Westside. The other kids look up to you. What does that spell? Paul furrows his brow and looks around, searching for an answer. His lower lip is wet. JIM Student... council... president. It takes a moment for this to sink in. Finally PAUL Who, me? Nooo. I never... I don't know anything about that stuff, Mr. M. Besides, that's Tracy Flick's thing. She's always working so hard and -- JIM Yeah, no, she's a go-getter, all right. PAUL And she's super-nice JIM Yeah. But one person assured of victory kind of undermines the whole idea of a democracy, doesn't it? That's more like a... well, like a dictatorship, like we studied. JIM Paul, what's your favorite fruit? PAUL Huh? Oh. Uh... pears JIM takes a piece of chalk from the lip of the blackboard. JIM Okay, let's say PAUL No, wait -- apples. Apples. JIM draws illustrative circles on the board as he speaks. JIM Fine. Let's say all you ever knew was apples. Apples, apples and more apples. You might think apples were pretty good, even if you occasionally got a rotten one. Then one day there's an orange. And now you can make a decision. Do you want an apple, or do you want an orange? That's democracy. PAUL I also like bananas. JIM Exactly. So what do you say? Maybe it's time to give a little something back. INT. STUDENT COMHON AREA DAY Tracy directs her friend ERIC OVERHOLDT on a ladder as he hangs a large POSTER high on a wall. TRACY The right side is too high. The right side. Just a smidge. Suddenly she notices a small COMMOTION in the adjacent cafeteria and goes to investigate. INT. CAFETERIA DAY A small crowd of students compete to sign Paul's nomination petition taped to the wall. GUY (signing) Hey Paul, you going over to Anthony's on Friday, or what did you decide? PAUL I gotta talk to him first. Tracy watches the hubbub, none too pleased, and pushes her way to the front of the group. TRACY Who put you up to this? PAUL Huh? Oh, hi, Tracy Tracy stares at him. TRACY Who put you up to this? PAUL What do you mean? TRACY You just woke up this morning and suddenly decided to run for president? PAUL No. Uh... I just... you know, I just thought -- TRACY Thought what? PAUL Well, see, I was talking to Mr. McAllister about my leg and everything... and how I still want to, you know, do something for the school and -- TRACY So Mr. McAllister asked you to run. PAUL Well, I mean, you know, I talked to him and everything, but he just said he thought it was a good idea... and how there's all different kinds of fruit and... It's nothing against you, Tracy. You're the best. I just thought -- TRACY Okay, Mr. Popular. You're on. With that Tracy turns and SIGNS Paul's sheet THE "I" IN "FLICK" is dotted with a STAR CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE - as she walks away, Paul and his fans receding behind her TRACY (VO) You might think it upset me that Paul Metzier had decided to run against me, but nothing could be further from the truth. He was no competition for me: it was like apples and oranges. It just meant I had to work a little harder, that's all. INT. TRACY'S BASEMENT NIGHT CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE -- in a xeroxed photograph. "Vote Tracy!" is written at the bottom. Tracy is making campaign buttons with her BUTTON MACHINE. She manufactures her buttons with almost alarming intensity. PATRIOTIC MUSIC begins to rise. TRACY (VO CONT'D) You see, I believe in the voters. They understand that elections aren't just popularity contests. They know this country was built by people just like me who work very hard and don't have everything handed to them on a silver spoon. THE TRACY BUTTONS drop one by one into a box. All the little round Tracys smile up at us. EXT. MILLARD PARKING LOT DAY Paul is in the driver's seat of his hitching big-wheeled PICKUP TRUCK. His door is open, and his radio blasts a SONG carefully selected to boost soundtrack album sales. Various FRIENDS OF PAUL'S hang around. Tracy watches the scene from her seat on the SCHOOL BUS TRACY (VO CONT'D) Not like some rich kids who everybody likes because their fathers own Metzier Cement and give them trucks on their sixteenth birthday and throw them big parties all the time. They don't ever have to work for anything. The .bus pulls away. INT. TRACY'S LIVING ROOM AFTERNOON CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE - staring into camera as she exercises on a NORDIC TRAC, Drenched in sweat, she moves in a hypnotic frenzy. TRACY (VO CONT'D) They think they can all of a sudden one day out of the blue waltz right in with no qualifications whatsoever and try to take away what other people have worked for very, very hard their entire lives. No, it didn't bother me at all I INT. PAUL'S PICKUP -- DAY Paul drives home, his stereo thumping. Silent, he appears lost in thought, as though a little gopher idea were burrowing its way to the surface. Oh, look -- there's its snout now. PAUL Paul... Paul... power... Paul... Paul for President... progress... promise... peanut... Paul-i-tics... yeah... President Paul... Punt for Paul! No. EXT. METZLER HOME DAY Paul pulls into the driveway and hops out of his car. INT. TAMMY METZLER'S BEDROOM DAY Two GIRLS are kissing on the bed. They are TAMMY METZLER and LISA FLANAGAN, fifteen and seventeen respectively. Lisa breaks away. Tammy tries to kiss her again, but Lisa resists. TAMMY (softly) What? LISA I told you ... I can't. I just -- It doesn't feel right anymore, you know? INT. METZLER KITCHEN DAY Whistling a cheerful tune, Paul tosses his backpack on a chair, grabs a banana, and opens the refrigerator. INT. TAMMY METZLER'S BEDROOM DAY Tammy is still trying to comfort Lisa. TAMMY If you could just get out of your head. Tammy leans forward, puts her palm on Lisa's cheek. Lisa looks at Tammy as though at a stranger. Tammy leans forward and .kisses Lisa's eyes. Lisa jerks her head out of Tammy's hands. LISA I said no! Suddenly, there's a quick KNOCK at the door, and Paul enters. The girls rise quickly. PAUL Hey, Tammy, guess what happened today. TAMMY Don't you fucking knock? PAUL Yeah. So guess what happened. So Mr. McAllister, he -- (noticing Lisa) Oh hi. Lisa. TAMMY Paul, get out! PAUL So Mr. M. calls me in and tells me -- LISA I gotta go. Lisa pushes her way past Paul and runs down the hall TAMMY (to Paul) You dumbshit! PAUL What'd I do? THE SCENE FREEZES. TAMMY (VO) You know how they say one day a big meteor might come and crash into the Earth and kill everybody? Well, I think that would be a good thing. BACK TO LIFE - Tammy turns away from Paul in disgust and runs after Lisa INT. METZLER LIVING ROOM AND FOYER CONTINUOUS Tammy finds the front door flung open and through it sees Lisa slamming the door of her beat-up Honda Civic and starting the engine. TAMMY Lisa EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET CONTINUOUS Tammy runs up to the car as it pulls away. She pounds on the window. TAMMY Stop! Wait! Lisa stops the car, rolls down the window TAMMY (CONT'D) Where 're you going? LISA I'm not like you. TAMMY What...? LISA I'm not a dyke, okay, and we're not in love. We were just... I was just experimenting. Lisa speeds away, and we watch her car grow smaller and smaller. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S FACE - as we see the greatest disappointment of her short life break across her face. TAMMY (VO) How can something that seems so true turn out to be such a lie? EXT. ELMWOOD PARK -- DAY Lisa and Tammy are swinging synchronized on a swingset, smiling and laughing. The image is slightly OVEREXPOSED as though to suggest an ideal memory. CLOSE ON TAMMY looking over at Lisa TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I mean Lisa and I were destined to be together. It was so obvious. Of all the people on the planet who had ever lived, somehow we'd found each other. CLOSE ON LISA in SLOW MOTION, swinging next to us. She looks back, her face so happy. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) Lisa... INT. TAMMY'S ROOM -- DAY CHOMP-CHOMP-CHOMP Tammy eats an asparagus spear. GNAW-GNAW-GNAW Lisa eats an asparagus spear TAMMY drinks a big glass of water. She giggles a little. LISA drinks a big glass of water. She giggles too. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I remember one time Lisa and I did an experiment with asparagus to see how long it takes your pee to smell. We peed a little every five minutes. AN EGG TIMER: Ding I Tammy and Lisa, very serious now, smell little Dixie cups TAMMY (VO CONT'D) For her it took about fifteen minutes, and for me it was twenty. INT. LIBRARY DAY Lisa studies at a table, surrounded by other busy students. TAMMY (VO) Everyday I found some new way to tell Lisa I loved her. Suddenly Tammy walks by, drops a folded NOTE in front of Lisa, and walks on. Lisa opens it. NOTE (Tammy's voice) If you died right now, I would throw myself into one of my Dad's cement trucks and get poured into your tomb. Lisa looks over her shoulder at Tammy, who is now at the door of the library. Tammy nods at her with quiet loving reassurance. TAMMY (VO) But it just seemed like the closer we got, the more she pulled away. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Lisa watches Tammy open her locker and notices a four-frame PHOTO- BOOTH PHOTOGRAPH taped to the inside of the door. In the photos Lisa and Tammy are clowning and smooching. Lisa reaches over and YANKS the photos off the door. LISA Are you crazy? TAMMY What? LISA People can see this. TAMMY So? LISA These are private -- these are for us. TAMMY I know. LISA But other people can see them too. TAMMY I don't care. LISA Well, I do. Lisa walks away with the photos EXT. ELMWOOD PARK DAY CLOSE ON LISA SWINGING -- next to us, a final reprise of Tammy's favorite memory TAMMY (VO) What did I do to make her change? What's wrong with me? Lisa swings out of frame, and the swing returns EMPTY. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) (a whisper) Lisa. EXT. HILL ABOVE A POWER PLANT TWILIGHT Tammy sits on a promontory overlooking an Omaha Public Power District station -- towers, wires, insulators, a loud HUM. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) Sometimes when I'm sad, I sit and watch the power station. Tammy lifts a pair of BINOCULARS to her eyes, sees THE POWER PLANT. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) They say if you lie between two of the main wires, your body just evaporates. You become a gas. I wonder what that would feel like. TAMMY'S STREET -- EVENING Lisa's car speeds away, growing smaller and smaller. We're back at the BREAK-UP. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S FACE as she stares down the street, unable to move. It starts to rain. Tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. very French, very sad. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I don ' t know what I did to make Lisa hate me so much, but somehow she decided to hurt roe. And she knew exactly what to do. LISA'S BEDROOM DAY CLOSE ON PAUL'S FACE -- matched in size to Tammy's. He is moaning, gasping. FROM OVERHEAD -- Paul is sprawled on Lisa's bed, surrounded by stuffed animals. His legs dangle over the edge of the bed, and Lisa kneels between them, her head bobbing up and down. PAUL (VO) I sure was surprised the day Lisa Flanagan asked me for a ride home and ended up blowing me. Lisa pauses and looks up at Paul. LISA I've wanted this for so long. She resumes with renewed vigor PAUL Uhhh... teeth. Teeth. LISA Sorry. INT. MILLARD HIGH CAFETERIA DAY Paul and Lisa sit with some other friends at a lunch table. Paul has one arm around Lisa as he eats with his other hand. PAUL (VO) Life is so weird. First Lisa has a big fight with my sister, and the next thing you know she's my girlfriend. Lisa turns around to look at TAMMY seated at another table directly behind them. She and Lisa lock eyes before they both turn around again. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD DAY Paul poses for a campaign photo in his football uniform. He freezes in position as though about to throw a pass. Lisa adjusts his position -- CLICK. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Since Lisa knew all about public relations and stuff, she offered to help me with my campaign. We made a great team! Tammy spies from underneath the bleachers INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Paul is on all fours as Lisa stands on his back to hang a poster with Paul's football picture reading: "Paul Metzier You Bet-zier!" PAUL (VO CONT'D) It seemed so natural, the two of us together. It was like destiny. Tammy watches from a nearby classroom door, her nose and cheek pressed against the window. EXT. LISA'S HOUSE DAY Paul's truck pulls up, and Paul and Lisa get out PAUL (VO CONT'D) That spring was perfect. My leg wasn't bugging me too much, and the weather was so nice. And every afternoon after school. Lisa and I would go to her house to fuck and have a swim. It was like we were in a world all our own. Tammy emerges from behind a tree. She's on her bike. Angry and fragile, she watches the couple enter Lisa's house. EXT. LISA'S BACKYARD DAY Tammy peeks OVER THE FENCE and sees -- LISA AND PAUL swimming. Paul dives off the board and resurfaces right into Lisa's arms. MOVE CLOSER TO TAMMY as she dies a thousand deaths. TAMMY (VO) I had to do something. I didn't know what, but I had to do something. FADE OUT INT. SHERRY NOVOTNY'S BACKYARD -- DAY A laughing BABY BOY is lowered into frame and pulled back up again. Then he swings across frame. It's little DARRYL NOVOTNY. WIDE - JIM has Darryl by the ankles and is swinging him between his legs. Diane and Sherry are setting the picnic table. Stacked charcoal briquettes burn off in a nearby barbecue. JIM (VO) Around that time Diane and I were hanging out a lot at Sherry Novotny's house, giving her our love and support and helping her make it through a difficult time. DIANE Jim, don't. You're scaring him. JIM He likes it. Darryl's laughter suddenly turns into CRYING DIANE Here. Give him to me. (as she takes Darryl) is little Darryl dizzy? That's it. . come here. . . SHERRY You got him? DIANE Yeah. Sherry heads into the house. JIM watches her walk, then turns toward Diane and Darryl. It's as though Diane, not Sherry, were the infant's real mother, so loving and attentive is she, so swelled with maternal piety. JIM (VO) Diane really wanted to have kids -- and so did I -- but it seemed like there was always a reason to wait: she had to finish nursing school, I had to get my masters, we needed a new house, we needed more money. Finally we just decided to go for it... INT. JIM'S BEDROOM NIGHT A DIGITAL THERMOMETER reads 99.3. Behind it Diane lies in bed reading a copy of Self. JIM (VO) ...but for over a year we hadn't had any luck. And Diane was getting desperate. INT. JIM'S HOME OFFICE NIGHT At his desk, JIM studies a High Society magazine. He is naked. JIM closes his eyes and bites his lip as though feeling something he wished not to leave him. He quickly replaces a stack of magazines in his desk and goes across the hall to -- INT. BEDROOM CONTINUOUS where 'Lisa''s car speeds away, growing smaller and smaller. We''re back at the BREAK-UP. CLOSE ON TAMMY''S FACE as she stares down the street, unable to move. It starts to rain. Tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. very French, very sad.' waits in bed. She puts aside her magazine and welcomes Papa Bear. Lisa pauses and looks up at Paul. closes the door behind him. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM LATER JIM and Diane copulate. Although ostensibly near climax, JIM seems to be struggling. Diane's exhortations, once forbidden and exciting, now seem routine. DIANE You gonna do it? You gonna do it? JIM Yeah, uh, just a minute DIANE Come on, doit. Doit. Fill me up. Come on, fill me up JIM Yeah, just -- DIANE Do it! JIM finally climaxes DIANE (CONT'D) Okay! With that JIM rolls off of her. Diane immediately hoists her knees to her chest. CLOSE ON JIM - on his side of the bed facing away from Diane. DIANE Could you hand me the remote? EXT. NOVOTNY BACKYARD AS BEFORE JIM is snapped out of his reverie by Sherry's voice SHERRY Say, Jim. Jim. JIM looks. Sherry is walking out the patio door holding a big bottle of wine with a corkscrew sticking out of it. SHERRY (CONT'D) Could you get this? I can't JIM Sure. JIM takes the bottle. CLOSE ON the neck as the cork emerges: POP! INT. NOVOTNY KITCHEN -- DAY Sherry stands at the base of a stepladder as JIM climbs up and points to a spot on the ceiling. JIM (VO) Without Dave around. Sherry needed a lot of help around the house. JIM Here? SHERRY (indicating) More this way. JIM Okay. Give me the drill. JIM looks down at Sherry as she hands it up. Her blouse reveals a bit more than it should, and JIM pauses to get an extra glimpse. THE POWER DRILL BIT penetrates the ceiling. EXT. HOVOTHY FRONT YARD -- DAY A shirtless JIM is MOWING the lawn on a hot day. He shuts it off as Sherry emerges from the house with lemonade. She wears culottes, a halter top, and flip-flops. JIM I'd always liked Sherry, but we'd never had a chance to spend any time alone together. How with Dave out of the picture, I began to see what an incredibly sensitive and giving person she was. JIM downs his glass in big thirsty gulps and hands her back the glass. He watches her walk back to the house. JIM (VO CONT'D) Plus she had finally dropped all that weight from her pregnancy, and really she looked great. THE RIPCORD of the lawnmower is pulled a couple of times until it starts. INT. YOUHKERS DEPARTMENT STORE -- DAY IN WOMEN'S ACCESSORIES - Sherry looks at herself in the mirror modeling a colorful floppy hat. She spins around for Jim's approval. JIM (VO) We got to be pretty good buddies. I even took her to the mall one time while her car was in the shop. JIM smiles and nods. She puts on another. Sherry is like a young girl on a date. She grabs Jim's hand and pulls him in another direction. AT THE MAKEUP COUNTER - Sherry spreads on lipstick. SHERRY What do you think? It's clear what JIM thinks. JIM You look great INT. JIM'S CAR -- DAY They're driving home. There are packages on Sherry's lap and in the backseat. SHERRY I can't afford this stuff right now. JIM Oh, come on. You've had a hard year, you're cooped up with the kid all the time. Let go; live a little. SHERRY You sure? They come to a stop at a red light. Out one window JIM spots a MOTEL. JIM So what do you think? Should we get a room? SHERRY Should we get a what? JIM points at the motel. SHERRY (CONT'D) Oh. Her smile fades, and she stares straight ahead. There's an icy, uncomfortable silence. SHERRY (CONT'D) (stiffly) That's not funny. The light changes. JIM swallows, accelerates INT. JIM'S KITCHEN DAY JIM walks in through the backdoor. Diane is loading the dishwasher. They peck-kiss. DIANE How'd it go? JIM Fine. You know. We just went to Crossroads. DIANE You guys have fun? JIM picks an apple out of a bowl. JIM (between bites) Yeah. No. I mean, you know. DIANE What? JIM Well, Sherry's great. But she can be a little much sometimes. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM NIGHT Diane lies face-down, and JIM is on top of her. JIM makes spirited love with her. DIANE Oh, Jim! Oh, God! SHERRY'S HEAD, like a cut-out from a tabloid cover, floats in from off-screen and lands on the back of Diane's head. At the right moment, her face COMES TO LIFE and vaguely mouths the words that Diane is saying, like a badly-dubbed movie. DIANE/SHERRY Oh, God. Just like that. Oh yes. Fill me up... Jim's wicked desire increases with each movement Now TRACY FLICK'S FACE floats over and replaces Sherry's. Tracy mouths Diane's words. DIANE/TRACY Do it, Jim. Fuck me. JIM is at once in deep-space ecstasy and surprised at himself. Diane's voice now changes: it's Tracy's VOICE. TRACY (OS) Fuck me, Mr. McAllister FADE OUT UNDER BLACK JIM (VO) So like I was saying, things were going pretty well in my life. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY It's passing period, and hundreds of students clog the halls JIM (VO) ... that is, until things started going all haywire with that damn election. A distant DING-DING grows louder and louder. Everyone turns toward the source, far down the hall, and eventually TAMMY emerges wearing a makeshift SANDWICH BOARD that reads "Tammy Metzier For President." Smiling a perverse smile, she rings a hand bell. Salvation Army style. Paul is at his locker and watches Tammy go by. PAUL Tammy? Tammy, what are you doing? Tammy ignores her brother and keeps walking directly toward us, finally INTO CAMERA. INT. MILLARD TEACHERS' OFFICES -- DAY Tracy sits opposite Mr. McAllister. TRACY You're the advisor. You should stop her. She's not qualified. She's just a sophomore. JIM Calm down, Tracy. Just calm down. TRACY Are you sure all her signatures are real? It's not easy to get all those signatures. JIM As far as I know, they-- Suddenly LISA AND PAUL are sitting where Tracy was. PAUL We can't both run, can we? We're brother and sister. Can we? LISA It's a conflict of interest. And Paul was first. JIM Anyone who gets signatures in on time can run. And she got in just under the wire. Nothing I can do. Now TRACY replaces Lisa and Paul TRACY Let me see them. Let me see them Sighing, JIM fishes in his drawer and hands Tracy some sheets TRACY These are a bunch of burn-outs. And look at this one, I can't even read this one. JIM (taking the sheet) Looks like Tim Kobza. LISA AND PAUL again LISA She's doing this to get back at me PAUL For what? LISA I mean at you. PAUL For what? LISA I don't know. You're her brother you should know. TRACY returns. TRACY Tim Kobza? Tim Kobza! Who's he? I've never heard of him! JIM Look, why don't we just forget about Tammy? We'll have the assembly tomorrow, everybody'll make their speeches, and I'm sure everything will be fine. INT. MILLARD GYMNASIUM DAY The entire student body is assembled on the bleachers. There is a palpable mood of boredom and apathy. JERRY SLAVIN, a handicapped kid in a wheelchair, is at the microphone. His head lists to one side, and he takes long breaths as he speaks. JERRY I love Millard High, and I will be a dedicated vice President. A vote for Jerry Slavin is a vote for good government. And even if I can't really stand up for you, I will. (cracks himself up) Thank you. Jerry motors away amid scattered applause and coughs. JIM steps forward, clapping, and raises the mike. JIM Thank you, Jerry, and good luck. Again, Jerry is running unopposed for Vice President. So we'll move on now to the presidential race with three candidates running. The first in alphabetical order is Tracy Flick. Tracy steps forward with a small stack of index cards. During her speech she flips the cards over one by one but rarely looks at them. TRACY Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better." With this election, we here at Millard also have an opportunity to make our high school days better. During this campaign I have had the opportunity to speak with many of you about your concerns. I spoke with freshman Eliza Ramirez, who told me how alienated she feels from her own homeroom. I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks, who said his mother works in a cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes. I won't bore you with long- winded promises about all the new and innovative things I will definitely achieve during the year in which it will be my honor and privilege to represent each and every one of you, but I can say that my years of experience on the student council have taught me the three most important attributes the president needs to possess; commitment - DOUG SCHENKEN Eat me DOUG'S BUDDY Eat me raw! There is scattered laughter. Tracy pauses, wait Hendricks bounds up and grabs the mike. WALT If you can't be adults and give these candidates the courtesy they deserve, then you don't deserve to be called adults but children* Because that's what children are. And you'll be treated like children. So let's all listen up. Walt backs away to his seat. Tracy resumes TRACY The three most important attributes the president needs to possess are: commitment, qualifications, and experience. I'll add one more; caring. I care about Millard, and I care about each and every one of you, and together we can all make a difference. One of the things I would like to establish is a regular open forum where any student can come and voice their concern about issues we face here at Millard. I and the rest of the student council would then interface with the faculty and staff, so a continuous dialogue would exist. Walt whispers to Jim. WALT I'd say she knows a thing or two about student-faculty dialogue. JIM nods solemnly TRACY When you cast your vote for Tracy Flick next week, you won't just be voting for me. You'll be voting for yourself and for every other student Our days won't be any longer, but they can sure be better. Thank you. Tracy smiles and walks back to her folding chair. There is polite applause and a few whistles. JJJB comes back to the microphone. Tracy takes her seat next to Paul and glances at him. Paul scares straight ahead, a fat bead of sweat on his forehead. One of his legs is jiggling. JIM The next candidate for student body president is Paul Metzier. Paul? Paul awkwardly makes his way to the mike. Though by no means thunderous, his applause clearly exceeds Tracy's. A small cluster of jocks "woof" for him, shaking their fists in the air. Paul manages a weak grin for his buddies. Tracy shifts in her chair, her smile stiff and forced Lisa smiles and nods at Paul from the bleachers, giving him encouragement and a silent reminder to remember what they talked about. Tammy's eyes dart between Lisa and Paul. She shows no emotion, reveals nothing. The applause quickly dies, and after a moment Paul remembers to look at the white paper in his hand. He speaks in a barely audible monotone, never once glancing up. PAUL As many of you know I broke my leg pretty bad thi3 year and the experience has made me reevaluate what I want to do with my life and that is help people when you think about it a school is more than a school it's our second home where we spend all cur time and grow as individuals and a community but is our school everything it could be I want our school to reach its true potential that is why I am running for president. JIM pinches the bridge of his nose, clearly pained A few loud SOUND EFFECT SNORES saw through the air, and Walt points a stern finger at - you guessed it -- Doug Schenken. PAUL I know what it is to fight hard and win like when we almost went to state last fall and I threw that fourth-quarter pass against Westside for the touchdown that won the game by three points I won't let you down like I didn't then I promise we can all score a winning (big breath) touchdown together. Vote Paul Metzier for president thank you. Paul now gets considerably less applause, but his jock friends remain loyal. JIM Okay, Paul. Now our final candidate for President - another one of the Metzier clan -- sophomore Tammy Metzier. Tammy approaches the mike. There are scattered mocking whistles and catcalls. Tammy calmly looks over the crowd, waiting for the jeers to subside. She makes eye contact with Lisa, who stares back. WALT People. People I The room quiets down. Tammy puts her lips close to the mike, TAMMY Who cares about this stupid election? NOW there's something worth listening to. TAMMY (CONT'D) We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected president of Millard. You think it's going to change anything around here, make one single person happier or smarter or nicer? The only person it matters to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don't even want to go to college, and I don't care, and as president I won't do anything. The only promise I make is that if elected I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again! There is a sudden huge cathartic eruption of cheers and applause. Tammy has set them free. Even cynical old Doug Schenken and his buddies join in. STUDENTS Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! In total control, she steps back from the mike and CURTSIES. Walt shoots an angry, confused look at Jim, who shrugs. Tracy is clearly upset, but her smile remains eerily fixed Paul just looks confused and ashamed. Jerry Slavin is convulsed in laughter and chants along with the multitude. Tammy quickly grabs the mike for one final exhortation. TAMMY 0h don't vote for me I Who cares? Don't vote at all! The students go nuts. INT. WALT HENDRICK'S OFFICE DAY Dr. Hendricks is in a serious post-assembly discussion with JIM and VICE-PRINCIPAL RON BELL. WALT That little bitch made a fool of us I want her out of the election. Getting everybody all riled up like that. She's finished, you hear me? Washed up. JIM Walt, we can't throw her out of the election just because we don't like her speech. That's not what student government's about. WALT (grumbling) Yeah... whatever. All I know is she's a troublemaker. She's on my list. RON All we need to do is send a message, so maybe we should just suspend her. WALT Right. That's it. She's suspended for a week! To emphasize his point, Walt throws his STYROFOAM CUP at the wastepaper basket and misses. Lowell the janitor, passing by outside the door, notices the cup bouncing on the floor. JIM I think that's a little strong Walt. Ron? RON We don't want to make a martyr out of her. Three days sounds right to me. WALT Okay. Three days. Take care of it. EXT. STREETS DAY Tammy rides her bike on this crisp sunny spring day. The music is buoyant. Tammy is all smiles. TAMMY (VO) Being suspended is like getting a paid vacation. Too bad it was only three days EXT. 7-11 DAY Tammy is hanging out by the entrance. A DUDE emerges from the store carrying a 12-pack of beer. En route to his car, he throws Tammy a pack of CIGARETTES. DUDE Here you go. Tammy looks at the pack TAMMY Hey -- I said lights I EXT. SACRED HEART ACADEMY -- DAY A cigarette hanging out of her mouth, Tammy rides by the front of this Catholic girls' school. NOW AT THE ATHLETIC FIELD - Tammy gets off her bike, goes to look through the surrounding fence at GIRLS PLAYING LACROSSE in their cleats, short skirts, jerseys. LITURGICAL MUSIC accompanies SLOW-MOTION close-ups of the girls in action. Tammy seems to breathe them in INT. TAMMY'S ROOM -- DAY Wearing headphones. Tammy DANCES to music only she can hear. She happens to glance toward her door and notices a MANILA ENVELOPE sliding under it. She opens the door and finds a startled Paul. TAMMY What do you want? PAUL Oh. Hi, Tammy. I was just, you know, I went to all your teachers and got your assignments. Tammy looks at him, picks up the packet. PAUL (CONT'D) I just thought, well, last time you got suspended you fell so behind and - TAMMY Okay, Paul. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Paul smiles at the acknowledgment of his good deed. TAMMY (CONT'D) Now could you leave me alone? PAUL Yeah. Oh, one more thing. Tammy. You know, all this election stuff. 'Cause, you know, everyone is saying it's so weird that you're running against me, and, well, it is kind of weird, and you haven't really told me why you're doing it and didn't tell me in advance or anything. But that's okay, you know. l respect your privacy. I just want you to know that no matter who wins, if it's you or me, there's no hard feelings. We're still brother and sister. Okay? Cause... and I hope you feel the same. TAMMY Sure, Paul. No hard feelings. PAUL Okay. Great. I feel good. Paul is about to leave again but PAUL Oh. Oh. Yeah. Right. One other thing. Since you know Lisa so well, could you give me some advice? I want to get her something for helping me with the election. You know, something really special -- like flowers or candy or flowers and candy. Or is that too typical? I mean, can you think of something? Something really special? You know, something she'd really like? Tammy looks as though she'd like to push the button on all the world's atomic bombs. EXT. TRACY'S DRIVEWAY DAY CLOSE ON A GIANT OUTLINED "0" -- drawn on white paper. A hand enters frame with a brush and begins to fill in the outline with blue tempera-paint. Camera RISES to reveal the "0" as part of a giant banner. Tracy is working on some letters, while ERIC OVERHOLDT is working on others. TRACY (VO) What happened at the speeches was an unconscienceable travesty. That little bitch Tammy Metzier wanted to make a fool out of me. Well, it wasn't going to work. People do care who wins. Things do matter. Finally, we're high enough to read: WHO CARES? I DO: VOTE TRACY! TRACY Eric, the "r" is supposed to be green, not blue. ERIC Oh. Okay. Eric carefully paints over his mistake, then works up some courage. ERIC (CONT'D) So, Tracy, I was wondering if after we finish with these you'd like to go to a movie or something. TRACY That's okay. I'm too busy. Ouch. INT. MILLARD YEARBOOK OFFICE -- NIGHT A haggard Tracy sits alone at a computer monitor TRACY (VO CONT'D) People are so ungrateful. If all those students who cheered for Tammy Metzier only knew how hard I worked for Millard. Like all the late nights I spent at the yearbook office just to give them their memories. THE MONITOR displays a DIGITIZED PHOTO of the Millard yearbook staff. DAVE NOVOTNY peers proudly from behind two of the taller students. A CURSOR in the shape of tiny SCISSORS makes a small circle around Dave's face. Suddenly, the cursor turns into a tiny HAND and drags Dave's dislodged head into the TRASH. Tracy concentrates as she deftly controls the mouse. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One of my duties was to clean up the group photos. It was a cinch with our new software. THE COMPUTER MONITOR AGAIN -- as Tracy outlines a piece of the WALL and places it in the void where Dave used to be, blurring the edges for a perfect effect, voila! Satisfied, Tracy taps on the keyboard. TRACY (under her breath) Let's see... "save" is Command "S." Okay. INT. MILLARD HIGH HALLWAY -- NIGHT Tracy is heading down the hall toward the exit when she rounds a corner and, suddenly deeply troubled, sees that HER NEW "WHO CARES?" BANNER has come loose on an upper corner and is drooping. Tracy puts down her things and JUMPS up to slap the corner back into place. Satisfied, she turns away. But then - SHOOP! The banner fights back, peeling even further from the wall. Tracy prepares for battle. INT. YEARBOOK OFFICE NIGHT Tracy enters and grabs a long aluminum STRAIGHT-EDGE. INT. HALLWAY NIGHT Standing on an overturned GARBAGE CAN and wielding the straight-edge, Tracy tries to smooth the banner. But she's not holding the ruler flat against the wall and -- RIP! -- she slices the banner lengthwise. Now the plastic garbage can begins to buckle. Struggling to retain her balance, Tracy accidentally hooks the banner and as she TUMBLES yanks the whole thing down. Overcome with anger and frustration, she thrashes around on the ground and TEARS UP what remains of her banner. PAUL METZLER smiles down at Tracy from his poster across the hall. Tracy looks up at it. Instantly she is on her feet, lunging for the poster. She jumps up, TEARS it down, and RIPS Paul's head into pieces. Blood issues from a thin paper cut on one hand. Tracy regards it at first without comprehending, then raises it to her mouth. While sucking her wound, her gaze falls on -- ANOTHER SMILING PAUL mocking her pain. ANGLE FROM WAY DOWN THE HALL Hurricane Tracy begins a savage assault on the fragile coast of Millard High. Paul's campaign posters fill the air, shredded to pieces by the powerful winds of jealousy and rage. TIME DISSOLVE -- to Tracy even farther down the hall, still jumping, still ripping. TRACK FROM OVERHEAD - THE HALLWAY FLOOR - where a thousand bits of Paul lie scattered -- a grinning mouth here, an eye there. TILT UP finally to Tracy, sweating, panting. She finishes ripping a poster and looks to find another. But there are no more Paul posters: she has destroyed them all. Tracy raises her hands and sees they are streaked with Blood. INT. GIRLS ' BATHROOM NIGHT Tracy is at the sink, washing away the blood. She pats her hands dry with paper towels. The gravity of what she's done now sinks in, and she panics. TRACY I didn't do this. I didn't do it. She lifts the top off a garbage can, removes the PLASTIC LINER. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY NIGHT With frantic haste, Tracy stuffs the evidence of her awful deed into the garbage bag. EXT. BACK OF HILLARD HIGH -- MIGHT Tracy's face is half-obscured by the bulging bag she carries down the sidewalk. EXT. HILLARD PARKIMC LOT - MIGHT Tracy opens her TRUNK and heaves the garbage bag inside slamming the trunk, she looks around - no one. INT. TRACY'S CAR NIGHT Tracy drives, sucking on a wounded hand. She glances frequently in the rear-view mirror. EXT. STREET MIGHT Tracy's car drives down a REMOTE ROAD. There are no sidewalks here, and the surroundings consist of scrubby vegetation and industrial structures. In the background looms a POWER PLANT. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS We now sense that Tracy has a plan. She throws the car into reverse, backs up and turns onto - EXT. A SMALL ACCESS ROAD -- CONTINUOUS Tracy stop the car near an EMBANKMENT. She gets out and pulls the garbage bag from the trunk. With a big shove Tracy sends the bag cartwheeling down the hill Breathing hard but clearly relieved, Tracy watches the evidence of her deed tumble into obscurity. NOW THROUGH BINOCULARS Tracy's shadowy figure runs back to the car. EXT. HILL ABOVE POWER PLANT NIGHT Tammy momentarily drops her BINOCULARS before raising them again. THROUGH THE BINOCULARS - Tracy's car speeds away. Tammy drops her binoculars and mounts her bike EXT. EMBANKMENT -- NIGHT Tammy skids to a stop, drops her bike, and heads down the embankment. CLOSE ON THE HEFTY BAG as Tammy draws near. She pauses at first, but intrepid curiosity conquers her fear. She unties the knot. FROM INSIDE THE BAG we see Tammy's sudden look of HORROR PAUL'S MANGLED FACE smiles up at her. Tammy raises it toward camera INT. NOVOTWY BATHROOM -- MORNING CLOSE ON A DRAIN as a hand extracts a huge WAD OF HAIR -- stringy, mucousy. fetid. JIM holds it up for Sherry, who stands behind him in her bathrobe. JIM There's your culprit He examines it from different angles. Both scrunch their faces JIM (CONT'D) Shall we give it a name? SHERRY (not missing a beat) Dave. CLOSE ON AN OPEN TOILET - Plop! The hairwad joins several smaller stringy friends. NOW AT THE SINK JIM washes his hands. Sherry glances between JIM and the water running in the shower. It's getting steamy. SHERRY Did you know Dave's a bed wetter? JIM No, I... uh, didn't know that SHERRY All his life. He's tried everything. JIM (about the shower) Still clear? SHERRY Yep. JIM We'll let it run awhile JIM turns off the faucet and reaches for a towel. Sherry offers him another. SHERRY This one's clean. JIM takes it and dries his hands. Sherry now stands very close to him. JIM sets the towel on the sink. It's a little awkward as they look into each other's eyes, standing so near. SHERRY (CONT'D) I guess you'd better get to work huh? You're going to be late. She slowly wraps her arms around Jim's neck and pulls him to her, a hug of gratitude and warmth -- nothing sexual here, just the embrace of two people in need of shelter from the storm of life. No, nothing sexual at all. SHERRY (CONT'D) Thank you, Jim. Now sherry begins to cry a little, and things begin to change -- hands wander, cheek brushes cheek. Finally lips meet, tenderly at first. And then it is a deluge. INT. NOVOTNY LIVING ROOM DAY JIM and Sherry stumble in from the hallway locked in an embrace. They rove around the room, barely able to keep their balance. Finally, they fall to the ground. CLOSE ON LITTLE DARRYL -- playing with his foot in the CRIB. Through the bars behind him we can discern the murky shape of Sherry and JIM rutting and grunting like wild boars. EXT. NOVOTNY DRIVEWAY DAY JIM starts his car. Sherry leans into his window. She looks around the neighborhood before kissing him firmly on the mouth. SHERRY Hey Yeah? SHERRY Take me to that motel. Like you wanted. JIM Right now? SHERRY Easy, tiger. Come by after school. I'll leave Darryl with the sitter. JIM Three twenty-five. SHERRY Three twenty-five. EXT. HILLSIDE ROAD -- DAY VROOM! JIM roars past us in his new RED FERRARI CONVERTIBLE EXT. ITALIAM RIVIERA (REAR PROJECTIOH) CONTINUOUS JIM wears a BLACK SUIT and hip HRAPAROUND SUNGLASSES as he drives. He lights a cigarette. Behind him is a cheesy dated REAR PROJECTION Of a curvy MOUNTAIN ROAD. Next Stop: portofino! JIM (VO) What had blossomed between Sherry and me was too real, too powerful to deny. For the first time in years, I felt free and alive! EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT DAY JIM'S Ferrari heads up the driveway and into his assigned space He opens the Ferrari door. JIM'S FOOT touches the pavement - not a shiny Salvatore Ferragamo loafer but a worn out Dexter. WIDE - JIM is back in his own clothes, and his car has reverted to a Ford Escort in need of a wash. He heads toward the school. INT. HILLARD LIBRARY -- DAY JIM enters the library, walks among the stacks. JIM (VO CONT'D) So as you can imagine, my thoughts weren't on the election that Monday morning. JIM takes a BOOK from the shelf JIM (VO CONT'D) My thoughts were only on Sherry, on how perfect she felt inside. There was a special poem I wanted to read to her later, at the motel, as she lay next to me. Jim flips through the book and finds the poem he seeks. His lips move silently. JIM'S VOICE (VO CONT'D) Close, close the lovers keep. They stay together in their sleep. Close as two pages in a book That read each other in the dark.. Suddenly -- a grating VOICE from the loudspeakers. VOICE (OS) Mr. McAllister to the Principal's Office. Mr. McAllister to the Principal's office. JIM smacks the book closed INT. WALT ' S OFFICE - DAY LISA FLAMAGAN - her face streaked with tears from outrage and confusion. LISA It's not fair. It's not fair Paul sits next to Lisa on the vinyl sofa. He wants to console her, but he doesn't know how. PAUL I just don't think anybody would do something like that on purpose. It must have been some kind of mistake. Like a maintenance thing. JIM enters. WALT Jim, where the hell have you been? JIM Nowhere. I don't have class until second period. WALT Even tried you at home. We've got a situation here. LISA If Paul loses tomorrow, it's not fair. There has to be another election, with posters. JIM What's the problem? LISA Didn't you see? WALT Somebody tore down their posters. LISA Those posters cost a lot of money we don't have I There's no time to make any more posters, there's no -- WALT We'll get to the bottom of it. PAUL (to Lisa) We still have some extra ones, don't we? Maybe we can just -- LISA It was Tammy I That's who it was. PAUL Oh, no, hey. Like I said. Tammy wouldn't... she... WALT Well, that speech she gave -- it was pretty, you know, pretty out there. But we'll get to the bottom of it. Don't you worry. Mr. McAllister is going to see to that. Right, Jim? JIM (his thoughts elsewhere) Oh yeah, you bet. LISA She should be expelled. Or worse! WALT You two just go back and focus on your studies. Mr. McAllister's going to handle this. INT. CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM DAY A BUNSEN BURNER -- as a VIAL containing blue liquid is held to the flame. The solution magically changes from blue to yellow. Wearing goggles, Tracy holds the beaker with chemist's tongs Her two LAB PARTNERS observe. The classroom door and a STUDENT approaches the teacher, MR. BECKMAN, to deliver a note. MR. BECKMAN Tracy? Tracy looks up through her goggles. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY LONG TRACKING SHOT . - of Tracy as she leaves the classroom. AS she walks through the .desolate halls and descends a flight of stairs, she holds her head high, suggesting a serene, almost regal confidence. TRACY (VO) When I arrived at school that morning, I was shocked to find that one of my key banners had been removed by vandals. I noticed that a few of my rival's posters had also been tampered with. Of course, I was outraged, but one day before the election is not the time to lose your head over a couple of posters. When you're in the public eye, attacks like that just come with the territory. Finally she reaches the INT. SCHOOL OFFICE DAY Upon seeing Tracy, MISS LINDA BEEDER, the "They 're-all-my-kids office administrator, points wordlessly to an open door of a conference room. JIM is inside. JIM Tracy. Come on in. And shut the door behind you. She goes in and closes the door in our face. INT. LITTLE CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY Tracy is seated in a chair. JIM hovers above her, alternately leaning on a desk and pacing. JIM I guess you know why you're here TRACY If it's about the posters, I think it's so awful. It's a travesty. JIM A travesty. Huh. That's interesting, because I think you did it. TRACY Wait - are you accusing me? You're not serious. (indignant) I can't... Mr. McAllister, we have worked together on SGA for three solid years and... I mean, I can't believe it. I'm... I'm shocked! JIM stares at her. TRACY (CONT'D) Mr. M., I am running on my qualifications. I would never need to resort to, you know, to vandalism like a, you know... Plus, my own best banner was torn down. Did I do that too? JIM Were you or were you not working in the Watchdog office over the weekend? TRACY I was. So? Mr. Pecharda let me in. As you know, with all my responsibilities I often come in on the weekend and have permission to do so. But I left very early, around 6:30. JIM 6:30. How do you know what time the posters were torn down? TRACY I don't. I just know they were there when I left. I'm giving you helpful information is all. You know, instead of wasting time interrogating me, we should be out there trying to find out who did this. JIM Okay, Tracy, so who do you think did it? Whom should we "interrogate?" TRACY well, I don't know. It could have been anybody. There are a lot of, you know, subversive elements around Millard. You know, like Rick Thieson and Kevin Speck and those burn-outs. Or Doug Schenken - what about him? Or what about Tammy Metzier? Her whole thing is being anti- this and anti-that. JIM shifts gears JIM You're a very intelligent girl, Tracy. You have many admirable qualities. But someday maybe you'll learn that being smart and always being on top and doing whatever you need to do to get ahead, and yes, stepping on people to get there, well, there's a lot more to life than that. And in the end, you're only cheating yourself. TRACY Why are you lecturing me? JIM This isn't the time or the place to get into it, but there is, for just one example, a certain former colleague of mine, who made a very big mistake, a life mistake. I think the lesson there is that, old and young, we ail make mistakes, and we have to learn that our actions, all of them, can carry serious consequences. You're very young, Tracy underage, in fact -- but maybe one day you'll understand. TRACY I don't know what you're referring to, but I do know that if certain older and wiser people hadn't acted like such little babies and gotten all mushy, everything would be okay. JIM I agree. But I also think certain young and naive people need to thank their lucky stars and be very, very grateful the whole school didn't find out about certain indiscretions which could have ruined their reputations, and chances to win certain elections. TRACY And I think certain older persons like you and your "colleague" shouldn't be leaching after their students, especially when some of them can't even get their own wives pregnant. And they certainly shouldn't be running around making slanderous accusations. Especially when certain young, naive people's mothers are para-legal secretaries at the city's biggest law firm and have won many successful lawsuits. And if you want to keep questioning me like this, I won't continue without my attorney present. JIM draws a long breath as he tries to control himself JIM Okay, Tracy. Have it your way. There's a KNOCK. JIM and Tracy turn to see TAMMY METZLER timidly poking her head in. TAMMY You wanted to see me, Mr. M.? JIM Just wait outside. Tammy. TAMMY Okay. But is this about the posters? JIM Possibly. Please just wait outside. TAMMY Okay. (looking at Tracy) Because I know who did it. So.. I'll just be outside. Tammy manages to squeeze in a naughty little smile before closing the door. INT. OUTER OFFICE DAY Tammy sits patiently in a chair, bobbing to an unheard song. The door opens, and Tracy emerges. JIM Tracy, don't go away. Come in, Tammy. As Tammy and Tracy cross, Tracy speaks in a low voice but loud enough for JIM to hear. TRACY This ought to be good INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY Tammy sits facing Jim, cradling her backpack. JIM So... what do you have to tell me? TAMMY Well, this is hard for me, but I think it's important to be honest. Don't you? JIM (impatient) What is it. Tammy? TAMMY I'm the one. I did it. I tore down Paul's posters. JIM Looks at her skeptically doesn't say a word. TAMMY (CONT'D) I did it. JIM And when did you do it? TAMMY This weekend. JIM Exactly when? TAMMY I don't know. Yesterday. Sunday. JIM And how did you get in the school? TAMMY Door was open. JIM Which door? TAMMY I don't know. All I know is I did it I JIM I don't believe you. TAMMY I have proof. She burrows in her backpack. INT. OUTER OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS Tracy stands up from her seat and manages to PEEK THROUGH THE WINDOW of the conference room. She sees -- pulling out a handful of POSTER SHREDS from her backpack and handing them to Jim. Tracy turns away and covers her mouth with one hand. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM CONTINUOUS THE POSTER FRAGMENTS in Jim's hands. TILT UP to Tammy really hamming it up. TAMMY You don't know what it's like to grow up in the shadow of an older brother like Paul. it's always Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Never Tammy. I'm only Paul's little sister. You must be Paul's little sister. He's so perfect, and I'm so troubled. I hate him! I hate him! And I tore down his posters, It was a horrible, cowardly act, but I did it,.. I did it... l did it... And I'm not sorry... JIM watches her performance until he can't take it anymore he's got other fish to fry. JIM Final I don't know what your problem is, but if that's the way you want it, that's the way it'll be. I don't have time. You're out of the election, and I'm turning you over to Dr. Hendricks. He throws the door open. JIM (CONT'D) Tracy? INT. OUTER OFFICE CONTINUOUS Tracy is frightened but still plays the indignant victim. TRACY Yes? JIM Looks like today's your lucky day What does he mean? TRACY What do you mean? JIM You're off the hook. Tammy here has confessed. It takes Tracy a second to figure out how to react. But once she's got it, she runs with it. TRACY I told you! I told you! (pointing at Tammy) You're going to pay for my banner! JIM That's enough, Tracy. Quit while you're ahead, okay? I'll handle this. (to Hiss Seeder) Could you ask Walt to come in? STAFFROOM DAY JIM is feverishly TYPING. JIM (VO) The rest of the day was unbearable. I kept smelling Sherry on my clothes and on my fingers and I just couldn't wait to get out of there. He yanks the paper out of the carriage and hurries away. INT. XEROX ROOM -- DAY A PHOTOCOPY COLLATOR in operation. JIM pulls sheets out and stacks them. JIM (VO CONT'D) I wanted everything to be perfect that afternoon, so I decided to give myself a little time to prepare during eighth period. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY Students are settling into their seats. JIM breezes in, a sheaf of papers fucked under his arm. JIM Pop quiz, everybody The class groans. JIM (CONT'D) No whining. If you've done your reading, this is an easy one. JIM peels off a stack of papers for each row JIM (VO) I'd have exactly forty-eight minutes to make all the arrangements. JIM glances at the clock: 2:08 JIM If you finish early, just sit quietly and check your work. I'll be right back. POOF -- he's gone I EXT. MILLARD HIGH DAY TRACK WITH JIM as he SPRINTS toward the parking lot, fumbling for his keys. EXT. WALGREEN'S -- DAY JIM exits with a bouquet of flowers and a plastic bag. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL -- DAY Jim's car speeds into the driveway and parks INT. SAFARI MOTEL ROOM -- DAY JIM opens the door, sets his things down, and gets to work. THE SINK -- JIM dumps a bucketful of ICE and wedges in a bottle of cheap CHAMPAGNE. THE BEDSIDE TABLE - JIM props up his flowers in the ice bucket and puts a small box of Russell Stover's CANDY next to it. He unwraps the motel's plastic cups and places them just so. Perfect. JIM'S BOOK OF POETRY -- open to that special poem. He marks it with a carnation. UNDER THE BED -- Jim's face appears as he kneels down and slides the book into place, ready for that perfect moment. THE BATHROOM - Where JIM is NAKED now, squatting in the bathtub, frantically washing his undercarriage. He checks his watch. EXT: SAFARI MOTEL ROOM DAY JIM shuts the door and with jaunty confidence slips the key into his pocket. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL DAY Jim's car speeds toward the street. EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT -- DAY JIM gets out of his car and races back toward the school. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY JIM skids around a corner. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY With feigned coolness, he saunters into class just as the BELL RINGS. JIM Okay, everybody, pass them forward. Stephanie, put down your pen. The class begins to rise. JIM (CONT'D) I'll see you all on Wednesday. And don't forget to vote tomorrow. FROM BEHIND - Jim's back has a large vulva-shaped patch of SWEAT EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT -- DAY JIM hurries back to his car, weaving his way through students EXT. SHERRY'S HOUSE -- DAY JIM pulls to a stop in Sherry's driveway. INT. JIM'S CAR JIM checks his watch: 3:24 turns into 3:25 Bingo EXT. SHERRY ' S HOUSE DAY JIM'S FINGER on the doorbell. DING-DONG. JIM waits, rings again. Ho answer. He knocks. No one. He tries the door. Locked. Maybe she's out back. He walks around the house to -- EXT. SHERRY'S BACKYARD CONTINUOUS It's a lovely little backyard. Springtime flowers bloom. Bees buzz among the peonies. JIM opens the gate, approaches the back door, and knocks. JIM Sherry I He rears back and aims his yell toward the second floor. JIM (CONT'D) Sherry I It's Jim! No response. He tries the door. It's locked. JIM cranes his neck for a last look at the house. As he starts to leave, he calls out one final time, not really expecting a response. JIM Sherry Suddenly A WASP STINGS him above his right EYE JIM (CONT'D) Oww! Fuck! Jesus fuck! Cursing and holding his head, JIM stumbles out the gate INT. SAFARI MOTEL LOBBY - DAY Through the glass windows, we see Jim's car pull into the lot and park. JIM enters the lobby. His eye is puffy and red. A MOTEL EMPLOYEE watches TV behind the counter JIM By any chance, has a woman shown up in the last half-hour or so? Maybe she was looking for me. EMPLOYEE Nobody's come in here looking for anybody. Just you. JIM Are you sure? EMPLOYEE (indicating Jim's eye) You okay? INT. SAFARI MOTEL ROOM DAY THE TELEPHONE - as JIM punches in Sherry's number. JIM holds the phone against his ear and the champagne bottle against his eye. JIM Sherry, it's me. Are you there? Pick up. Okay, it's 4:32. I came by at 3:25 like we said and waited, but you weren't there. Anyway, I hope you're okay -- I'm worried about you. So now I'm just at the... at the place we talked about. Suite 219. So I'm here. Everything's all set. You can just come over. Can't wait. Okay. Bye. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL DAY TIME LAPSE - as the sky darkens, the motel's NEON SIGN turns on. JIM now descends the motel stairway carrying his Walgreen's sack. He puts the key into the drop box and gets in his car. INT. METZLER KITCHEN -- NIGHT Dick Metzier and his wife JO are at the breakfast table Tammy sits across from them, her eyes lowered. DICK METZIER I don't get it. What you have against your mother and me, against your brother Paul, is completely beyond me. And your mother is extremely upset, she's at the end of her rope. Your behavior gets crazier and crazier and wilder and wilder, and who knows what the hell else you're doing out there that we don't even know about? TAMMY Dad, I DICK (jabbing his finger) Don't you smartass me! Don't you dare smartass me! You just shut your mouth I (taking a breath) Now your mother and I have had a long talk with Halt Hendricks --- we just got off the phone with him at home. You know, he doesn't want you back at Millard. He's fed up with you. Fed up! And I don't blame him! JO Dick... Dick,.. DICK What? JO (calmly) Tammy, now we've come to a decision. He just think it would be best -- DICK You're going to Catholic school next year. You're going to Sacred Heart. Maybe they'll straighten you out! ANGLE FROM UNDER THE TABLE - Her head low. Tammy SMILES to herself EXT. JIM'S HOUSE NIGHT JIM'S car pulls into the driveway. INT. JIM AND DIANE'S KITCHEN NIGHT JIM enters the back door and sets his satchel down in the usual place. He opens the refrigerator, grabs a beer. As he closes the door, something catches his eye. He reaches inside and throws a plastic container away. Rooting around noisily, he finds other things to dispose of. Suddenly -- A BABY CRY stops him cold. JIM stiffens, his good eye widening as the horrible truth sinks in. He carefully closes the refrigerator and tiptoes toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Jim's face slowly appears around the corner, bad eye first. Finally, he's able to see -- SHERRY AND DIANE together on the living room sofa, staring at him. Their eyes are red from crying. Little Darryl squirms in Sherry's lap. Caught, JIM emerges from his hiding place. No one speaks. Finally, he looks down, sucks in air, blows it out again, nods a little. JIM (very softly) Okay He turns to leave, and nobody stops him. EXT. JIM'S HOME -- NIGHT JIM wanders out the front door and stands in his driveway, bewildered and alone. The camera slowly CRANES UP, eventually looking down on him from a great height. JIM (VO) As I walked out of my home that evening, unsure if I'd ever return, my entire life in question, I somehow discovered within myself a place of perfect peace. Oddly, in my solitude I felt more than ever a sense of communion with every human being - past, present and future. Because no matter what we tell ourselves, no matter what illusions of friendship and family we create, each of us is always and forever profoundly alone. INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM NIGHT FROM OVERHEAD - Tracy slides out of her bed and kneels beside it TRACY Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with You and ask for things, but now I really must insist that You help me win the election tomorrow, because I deserve it and Paul Metzier doesn't, as You well know. l realize that it was Your divine hand that disqualified Tammy, and now I'm asking that You go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong, so that I may carry out Your will on Earth as it is in Heaven. If elected I promise that I will pray more often. Okay? Amen. EXT. TAMMY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT FROM OVERHEAD -- Tammy wears a white t-shirt and underwear and kneels at her bedside. TAMMY (VO) Dear God, I know I don't believe in you, but since I'll be starting Catholic school soon, I thought I should practice. Let's see... what do I want? I want people to be nicer to each other. I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she has been and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants... and someday I want to be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy INT. PAUL'S BEDROOM FROM OVERHEAD -- Paul lies in bed looking at the heavens beyond his ceiling, PAUL (VO) Dear God, thank You for all Your blessings. You have given me so many things, like good health, nice parents, a nice truck, and what I've been told is a large penis, and I'm very grateful. But I sure am worried about Tammy. In my heart I still can't believe she tore down my posters, but sometimes she does get so weird and angry. Please help her be a happier person, because she's so smart and sensitive, and I love her. Also, I'm nervous about the election tomorrow, and I guess I want to win and all, but I know that's totally up to You. You'll decide who the best person is, and I'll accept it. And forgive my sins, whatever they may be. Amen. FADE OUT INT. JIM'S CAR -- NIGHT JIM sits parked outside of Sherry's house, a SLURPEE held against his now grotesquely swollen eye. He is so tired and pain-ridden that he practically gasps for breath. JIM (VO) Sherry never came home that night. I know, because I spent the entire night in her driveway. INT. TRACY'S KITCHEN -- DAWN Tracy and her mom are hard at work frosting cupcakes. TRACY (VO) Mom and I got up at five AM, and together we custom-iced three hundred and fifty cupcakes. CLOSE ON A CUPCAKE - as "PICK FLICK" is written on it with a yellow icing tube. MRS. Flick cheerfully performs her task. She hums. TRACY (VO CONT'D) I remember she was so happy, like there was nothing in the world she'd rather be doing. Besides me and her job, I guess my mom doesn't have much of a life. She hasn't dated anyone since Frank, and she hardly ever buys new clothes for herself or travels. TRACY Mom? MRS. FLICK Hmmm? TRACY I think I'm going to lose today MRS. FLICK What are you talking about? This time tomorrow, you'll be president TRACY You really think so? Mrs. Flick puts an arm around her daughter MRS. FLICK Tracy Flick's a winner. EXT. SHERRY'S HOUSE DAWN Jim's car has not moved from its spot on the driveway. Its windows are now fogged. A LOUD GARBAGE TRUCK rumbles by. INT. JIM'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS Reclined in his car seat, mouth open as he sleeps, JIM is awakened by the truck. His breath steams. His eye has turned bluish. He tries to wipe the condensation from the windshield, but it's on the outside. EXT. SHERRY'S DRIVEWAY -- CONTINUOUS JIM opens the door and looks around -- no sign of Sherry's car. He stiffly walks to the side of the garage and unzips his pants to pee. Now cradling his head on the roof of his car, JIM gathers what little strength he has, gets in, and tries to start the cold engine. JIM (VO) I had no choice but to go home. I needed to shower, get fresh clothes, explain what I could to Diane. But what was I going to say? That our marriage had become a charade? That making love with Sherry had given me a vision of a better life? THE TAILPIPE finally coughs out a cloud of exhaust INT./EXT. JIM'S CAR DAWN JIM drives, bleary-eyed. He creeps along his tree-lined middle-class block. JIM (VO CONT'D) Then again, maybe I could slip in and out without waking her up. JIM slows to a stop, looks with dread at his home EXT. JIM'S HOUSE CONTINUOUS On the front porch sits A GYM BAG. JIM approaches, stares numbly at the bag. Drawing a long breath, he bends over and picks it up. Attached is a NOTE reading: "Don't come in." EXT. MILLARD HIGH DAWN At the foot of the main walk to the school, Tracy and her mother are setting up a CARD TABLE covered with little pink cakes. Jim's Ford Escort chugs its way through the fog and comes to a stop. Looking like a war refugee, JIM emerges from his car carrying the gym bag and heads toward school. TRACY (chirping) Good morning, Mr. M. JIM stops, turns slowly, regards mother and daughter with a crazed, one-eyed, uncomprehending stare. TRACY (CONT'D) (holding one out) Looks like you could use a cupcake! JIM takes it wordlessly. AS he heads up the walkway, he eats it in two huge bites, like a feral animal. TRACY (CONT'D) (calling out) What's wrong with your eye? Are you OK? INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM -- DAY IN THE SHOWERS JIM scrubs himself as if to wash his whole life away. JIM (VO) Cupcakes. Jesus Christ. Cupcakes? My life was crumbling, and I was expected to care about these ungrateful kids and their pathetic little dreams. As if my only purpose in life were to serve them. JIM (mocking) Mr. McAllister. Mr. McAllister. Somebody tore down my posters. It's not fair. It's not fair. Can I have an A? Can I have a recommendation? Can I? Can I? AT THE MIRROR JIM adjusts his tie, tries to smooth his wrinkled shirt. JIM (VO CONT'D) Well, fuck them. Didn't I have my own life? Didn't I have my own dreams? He coughs up phlegm and spits it into the sink JIM (VO CONT'D) Cupcakes INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY JIM exits the BOYS' LOCKER ROOM door and bumps into Mr. Beckman. MR. BECKMAN Hey, Jim. Big day today JIM (putting on a smile) Oh, yeah. Big day. INT. SCHOOL OFFICE DAY MISS BEEDER of the school office is at the P.A. MICROPHONE. Walt is behind her. She looks over her shoulder, and Walt gives her the go- ahead. MISS BEEDER Attention, everyone. We have an important announcement from our principal. Dr. Hendricks. Walt gives Miss Beeder a courtesy smile and takes the mike WALT Good morning, students. It, uh, behooves me to inform you of an important change in today's elections. Effective this morning... INT. TEACHERS' OFFICES DAY BALLOT AFTER BALLOT -- as a black magic marker crosses out Tammy's name. JIM sits at his desk and carries out his absurd task. He stops and stares. His thoughts wander far, far away. WALT (OS CONT'D) . .. sophomore Tammy Metzier has been... Metzier has been determined ineligible - I repeat: ineligible -- for SGA president. You may not vote for Tammy Metzier. All other candidates are eligible. Now please pay attention to a very important, uh, audio-visual presentation. (irritated, thinking he's off) Linda, who typed this thing? I said I need all caps.... INT. TV AND MILLARD CLASSROOMS DAY CLOSE ON A TV-- mounted in the corner. An educational video is just beginning. Host CLARK NAYLOR sits on the edge of a desk in a generic office set. During the video, we cut to CLASSROOMS, where from the TV's point of view, we see the students watching: English class shop class, gym class, biology class. CLARK (ON TV) Hello, students, I'm Clark Naylor of Joslyn's Educational Resources. It's election day, and how you vote will make a big difference in the activities, events, and perhaps even the policies of your school. Over the past few days or weeks, you've heard candidates for the various offices make their speeches and tell you where they stand. You've probably seen their posters. Maybe you've even had a chance to speak with them personally. CLOSE-UPS OF STUDENTS Now replace the wider shots of classrooms. Photographed as though from a Soviet propaganda film, some students look up nobly and attentively, while others watch with dead eyes and open mouth, and still others goof off. CLARK (ON TV CONT'D) Well, today marks the end of campaigning, and now the spotlight turns to you. Voting is your privilege and your responsibility. Remember, no one needs to know for whom you've voted. That's between you. . . and you. An AFRICAN-AMERICAN TEENAGER walks up to Clark. CLARK (ON TV CONT'D) Now I'd like to introduce you to Tony. Tony's going to show you how to cast your vote. Are you ready, Tony? TONY (ON TV) I think s0 CLARK (ON TV) Good. Let's get started INT. MILLARD HALLWAY NEAR OF-PICE -- DAY JIM slinks down the hall and ducks into a PHONE BOOTH. He fishes change out of his pocket and dials. We hear the echo of the video emanating from all the classrooms. SHERRY'S VOICE (VO) Hi. You've reached the Novotnys. We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon. Have a nice day. JIM Are you there? Sherry, are you there? It's Jim. (suddenly angry) Why did you do that? I trusted you. Completely. You've ruined my life. Do you know that? Do you realize that? Huh? Do you? You've ruined Diane's life. You ruined my life. is that what you wanted? (recovering) I'm sorry. It's just... I'm going nuts here. Okay, all right, so... Really, I'm sorry. I just think we should talk, okay? I love you. INT. TEACHERS' OFFICES -- DAY JIM crosses out more ballots, this time with perverse intensity. JIM (VO) If only my own life could be corrected so easily, with nice fat black lines drawn neatly through my sins. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S NAME - as it is blackened. We WIPE with the motion of the magic marker to: INT. LITTLE SALLY ANN SHOP DAY SWISH! The curtain of the dressing room is drawn back, and there's Tammy. She beams and walks toward -- A THREE-PANEL MIRROR, where she takes herself in, dressed in her new Catholic schoolgirl UNIFORM. The SALESLADY converses nearby with Jo Metzier. SALESLADY And Sacred Heart is such a good school. Excellent school. The public schools are going downhill, as far as I'm concerned. JO Well, we've had good luck at Millard, but for this one it's time for a change. Tammy spins and admires the flip of the skirt. SALESLADY So what do you think? Sacred Heart has the prettiest. They have that nice hint of purple. TAMMY (lying) I hate it. JO You're just going to have to get used to it. TAMMY Please, morn. Please don't make me go to Sacred Heart. I beg you. JO (to saleslady) We'll take two. INT. MILLARD HIGH CAFETERIA DAY Makeshift POLLING BOOTHS are set up just outside the cafeteria. Behind two tables sit TWO TEACHERS who cross out voters' names on big master computer lists. Tracy stands in line, not-so-patiently waiting her turn. TRACY (VO) When the time came to cast our votes, I stood in line just like everyone else. She finally reaches the front of the line. TEACHER Hi, Tracy TRACY Tracy Enid Flick. TEACHER I know. Tracy goes into a VOTING BOOTH and quickly hands her ballot. sophomore PHIL CHOY stands nearby with his CAMERA. TRACY Phil you ready? PHIL Ready. Tracy exits the booth and heads toward the BALLOT BOX. She inserts her ballot halfway and freezes, smiling. Phil snaps a picture, but - PHIL Just a second. My flash. Tracy remains perfectly still while Phil fiddles with his camera. A STUDENT stands behind her, waiting to put his ballot in the box. STUDENT Come on, Tracy. TRACY (through her smile) Just wait. FLASH! Phil gets his shot and Tracy drops her ballot in. TRACY Thanks, Phil. On her way out Tracy passes Paul at the end of the line. He gives her an enthusiastic THUMBS UP. PAUL Way to go, Tracy! Isn't this exciting? TRACY (awkward) Yeah. PAUL Hell, good luck! TRACY (reluctant) Good luck to you too, Paul. PAUL Thanks! INT. VOTING BOOTH Paul scans his ballot, struggles with his decision. PAUL (VO) It's so weird. DO people always just vote for themselves? 'Cause looking at my own name on the ballot, I just... I don't know, I just felt like it's not right to vote for yourself. THE BALLOT - as Paul's pen puts an "X" next to the name "Tracy Flick INT. MILLARD HALLWAYS DAY THE BALLOT BOX is being carried through the halls and up some stairs by Larry Fouch and three other STUDENT COUNCIL MEMBERS. The music suggests the weighty importance of its contents and the sacred mission of its bearers. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM - DAY JIM is hunkered over his desk. He's a wreck: dark, dark circles under his eyes; his hair didn't dry right -- frizzy here, matted there. And he's near tears. Larry Fouch and his retinue enter cheerfully LARRY Okay, Mr. M. Larry drops the ballot box on Jim's desk JIM What? Right. So let's start counting. LARRY Well, I thought that... well, the way it always works is that SGA president does a count, then the SGA advisor, you know, for the two independent counts. JIM Fine. So do your count. Start with president, and I'll be right back. LARRY You have the key, Mr. McAllister. JIM doesn't understand at first, then JIM Right. I know. JIM proceeds to sort through his cluttered desk drawers but can't seem to find the key. The council members exchange concerned looks as Jim's search becomes frenzied. LARRY Are you okay, Mr. M.? ANOTHER STUDENT What happened to your eye? JIM I'm fine. It's just a bee sting, a simple little everyday bee sting. Some people, they get stung, it's no big deal. Me, I swell up. Okay? JIM emerges from the drawer wielding a VISE GRIP. He goes to the box and TEARS the entire hardware assembly off. Holding the mangled lock, he turns to the students, who look back STUNNED. JIM (CONT'D) I just want to get this over with, so we can have the assembly and go home. We don't have much time until eighth period. I have other things going on, too, you know. LARRY Okay. Yeah. We know JIM All right. I'll be back INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE SCHOOL OFFICE DAY JIM slinks up to a PAY PHONE, inserts a coin, dials SHERRY'S VOICE (cheery) Hi. You've reached the Novotnys. We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon. Have a nice day. JIM it's me again. I'm sorry for all the calls. But Sherry, if I could just hear your voice, if you'd only acknowledge that I... SHERRY (OS) (picking up phone) What do you want, Jim? JIM You're there. SHERRY (OS) Yeah. I'm here. JIM Sherry... I love you. SHERRY (OS) (loud exhale) Don't say that. You know it's not true. JIM It's the only true thing I know anymore. SHERRY (OS) We made a mistake. Let's not make it worse. JIM A mistake? That was no mistake. SHERRY (OS) I was lonely. You took advantage JIM Me? I took advantage of you? You hugged me! You kissed me! You're the one who -- CLICK. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY It's PASSING PERIOD, and the halls are jammed with students at their lockers and walking to class. JIM is walking quickly back to his classroom. He passes Paul. PAUL Hey, Mr. M. Big day, huh? Jim doesn't even hear. INT. CLASSROOM DAY Larry is just finishing his count. The ballots are on a desk in front of him, neatly organized into three piles. JIM enters. JIM (impatient) What d'you got? LARRY I'm not supposed to tell. Not until you've counted too. We're each supposed to make an independent count. JIM You're kidding, right? LARRY I thought those were the rules, Mr. McAllister. If they've changed in any way -- JIM Larry, we're not electing the fucking Pope here. Just tell me who won. Jim's use of profanity scares Larry, and he responds reluctantly LARRY It's a squeaker, Mr. M. I've got Tracy by a vote. Just one vote. Jim, who hasn't cared about any of this today, suddenly takes note. He stares blankly at Larry as the news sinks in. LARRY (CONT'D) Mr. M.? JIM Huh. Okay. Well, I guess I'd better do my count. Jim-scoops up the three piles of ballots and takes them to his desk. INT. HISTORY CLASS DAY CLOSE ON DALE - a junior honors student. He is thinking. The wheels are turning, grinding. Finally -- DALE Sputnik. MR. FLAGG is lecturing, really trying to make history come alive. Tracy takes notes, but she is noticeably distracted. MR. FLAGG Right. And what year was that? DALE 1958? MR. FLAGG Almost. 1957. So the point here is when we found out about Sputnik, we got really scared. It seemed like no matter what we had and kept secret, they could develop it too. A-bombs, h-bombs, rocket ships. And this time we were behind them. So -- February 1961, Kennedy tells Congress and the American people he wants to go to the moon. May 1961, the Apollo program is announced... Tracy just can't take it anymore. She abruptly stands up, takes the GIANT HALL PASS off the lip of the blackboard, and starts to leave. Mr. Flagg gives her a small nod. INT. RAILWAY DAY Tracy nears a room, a special room. She slows down and peeks in the window of the door. She sees -- LARRY FOUCH sitting at the back of the classroom, staring front. Tracy presses her face to see what Larry is staring at -- JIM at his desk counting ballots LARRY catches sight of Tracy in the window. TRACY crosses her fingers by her ears and gives a questioning look LARRY sneaks a guilty look at Jim, absorbed in his counting. Then, against his better judgment flashes Tracy a quick, furtive double THUMBS-UP. TRACY suddenly disappears from the window. IN THE EMPTY HALLWAY - Tracy pogos with unbridled joy TRACY (VO) You know that moment when they announce the winner of a beauty pageant? When Miss Texas or whoever suddenly realizes she's Miss America, and all she can do is scream and weep and hug the losers? I had my moment in the hallway that Tuesday afternoon with no one to hug but myself. She pulls herself together enough to peek through the window of the OTHER DOOR to Jim's classroom, the window behind which JIM is still busily doing his count. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY JIM counts out the last of the ballots, mouthing the numbers to himself. JIM (VO) I was at the end of my count when it happened. I'd come up with exactly the same numbers as Larry: Tracy had won the election by a single vote, 256 to 257. I was about to announce my tally when... JIM looks up and sees TRACY in the window, her face exploding with joy. She FREEZES. We move closer to Jim in SLOW-MOTION. What actually occurs in a split-second is suspended in time JIM (VO CONT'D) The sight of Tracy at that moment affected me in a way I can't fully explain. Part of it was that she was spying, but mostly it was her face. Looking at her, you might think she was a sweet, innocent teenage girl. But she wasn't sweet. And she wasn't innocent. She was selfish and cynical and ambitious and thought nothing of destroying the lives of others to get to the top. who knew how high she would climb in life, how many people would suffer because of her? I had to stop her now. Tracy UNFREEZES and darts out of sight. JIM glances at Larry. Larry is writing in a notebook. JIM'S HAND creeps up from his lap and onto the pile of TRACY VOTES. His fingers nimbly count two ballots and pull them off the desk. JIM coughs as beneath his desk he CRUMPLES THE BALLOTS into a ball and drops them into the wastepaper basket. JIM Larry? LARRY (looking up) Yeah? JIM I think we've got a problem. INT. WALT HENDRICKS'S OFFICE DAY Walt is just finishing counting the ballots on his desk. Larry and JIM stand over him. WALT 253... 254... 255. I get the same as you Jim. Looks like Paul's our president. LARRY No way I It doesn't make sense. WALT Sorry. My figures work out exactly the same as Jim's. 256 for Paul, 255 for Tracy. LARRY And 290 "disregards," right? WALT If you say so. JIM Mostly Tammy fans LARRY See, it doesn't add up. There are only 801 ballots but 803 people voted. Two votes are missing. Check the register. JIM He's right. Two people must have pocketed their ballots. Usually it's more. LARRY But, they were there I counted 803 votes. JIM It happens, Larry. People make mistakes. LARRY I didn't make a mistake. Every vote was there when you sac down WALT Whoa! Easy, Fouch. I don't like where you're going. LARRY I'm telling you. Dr. Hendricks, every vote was accounted for. JIM (stern) Larry? We've got twenty-five minutes until the assembly, and we still have to do counts for VP, Treasurer and Secretary. Mr. Hendricks and I have both verified the numbers, and unless you can come up with the ballots you claim are missing - LARRY But, Mr. M. - WALT Fouch, that's enough! End of story. INT. MILLARD HIGH GYMNASIUM -- DAY AN ASSEMBLY - The students are taking their seats on the bleachers. ON THE FLOOR are all the candidates: three for secretary, two for treasurer, one for vice-president, two for president. PAUL AND TRACY sit side-by-side. Paul seems a little overwhelmed by the whole thing. Tracy leans over and offers her hand. TRACY Paul, I just want you to know that no matter how this turns out, you've run a wonderful campaign. It's been fun competing with you. PAUL Yeah, you too, Tracy. I'm just glad it's over. TRACY Yeah. CLOSE ON PAUL PAUL (VO) You know, I don't understand why everybody bad-mouthed Tracy all the time. She was always super- nice to me. JIM approaches the microphone JIM If we could get started. People! Once the winners are announced, we can all go home, okay? The students quiet down JIM (CONT'D) Some contests are so well fought that is seems unfair for someone to win and someone to lose. I think that's the case with all the candidates you see before you today. All of them are highly qualified and embody the, uh, the integrity we expect from our school leadership. OS TRACY - Jim's voice momentarily recedes. TRACY (VO) Act surprised. Walk slowly to the podium. Be modest. Thank them for this incredible honor. JIM That said, the whole point of an election is to choose winners, and that you have done. We'll begin with president. JIM pulls a folded paper from his back pocket JIM (CONT'D) Let me add that this was an extraordinarily close race. It's my pleasure to announce the next president of Millard High School. Tracy just can't wait. Smiling, she STANDS UP. JIM Paul Metzier! The crowd breaks into applause -- and laughter ON TRACY - AS she sits, her smile belies her horror and humiliation Paul begins his acceptance speech. We cut alternately to a thrilled Lisa; a stunned Tracy, tears forming at the corners of her eyes; and to JIM, who watches the events with shifty eyes, his mouth dry and tasting of metal. PAUL Geez, you guys, thanks a lot. I mean, wow, thanks. I promise to do my best and really do a good job and be a good president. And I want to thank Lisa Flanagan for being a super campaign manager. And I just want to say that I think Tracy would have made a great president too and that she really deserves a big hand. The auditorium erupts into applause and whistles, and JIM takes the microphone again. JIM And now, for vice-president. EXT. COCO'S BAKERY/RESTAURANT DUSK In the growing darkness, the restaurant radiates its distinctive orange glow. The parking lot is nearly empty. INT. COCO'S BAKERY/RESTAURANT DUSK JIM sits alone at a booth by the window, finishing a slice of berry pie. He gets the attention of a WAITRESS and holds up his coffee cup. JIM Could I get a...? As JIM gets his warm-up, in walk the Metziers: Paul, Dick and Jo. JIM notices them as they wait to be seated. He wishes he were invisible. As a PERKY HOSTESS leads the family to a table, Paul spots Jim. Here it comes. PAUL Wow! Mr. McAllister! This is so wild. We came to celebrate my victory, and I can't believe it. Here, these are my parents. JIM stands up awkwardly. DICK METZLER (extending his hand) Hi. Dick Metzier. My wife -- PAUL This is great. JIM (extending his hand) JIM McAllister. JO METZLER (extending her hand) JO Metzier. You know, Paul just thinks the world of you. Oh, if you could just hear him... DICK Yeah, say, apparently you've really come behind him, really helped him out there with the student council thing and all. PAUL I never would have ran if it wasn't for Mr. M. JIM Paul doesn't need any of my help. He's going places. You should be very proud. JO We are DICK Having a problem with your eye there? JO Dick. JIM Just a bee sting. DICK You ought to get that looked at. Shot of cortisone or something. JIM Thanks, I'll be fine. DICK Anyway, we're awful sorry about what went on with our other one, you know, our Tammy. JO We were mortified... JIM Oh, she's not a bad girl. She'll come around. JO ... but we've had some good talks, and I think we're sorting things out. We're starting her at Sacred Heart in the fall. JIM Good school. DICK Say, you're all alone, why don't you join us? PAUL Yeah! JIM Oh, no. No. I'm just finishing up here, and I've got to get home. PAUL (to his parents) Why don't you guys go sit down, okay? I'll catch up in a minute? I want to talk to Mr. M. about some important stuff. DICK All right. Well, sure nice to meet you. JO So nice JIM You bet. The Metziers go, and- Paul slides in across from Jim. PAUL So, Mr. M, I was starting to think about ideas for next year. I was thinking it would be cool to have, like a carnival. With rides. And, you know, it could be for, like. Muscular Dystrophy. JIM tries to smile and seem attentive, but we sense his profound fatigue and his profound sadness. PAUL (CONT'D) And on Halloween we could have a haunted house. But a really good haunted house, not like those cheesy bad ones. You know, more like the radio station ones. This one would be really scary. And for Homecoming -- well, you know how last year's theme was - JIM Paul... Paul.... We'll have plenty of time to get into all this later. A whole year, in fact. Right now I just need to finish my pie and get home. PAUL Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. The wind out of his sails, Paul gets up and is about to go when PAUL (CONT'D) Just one more thing. So, Mr. M., uh, do you think Tracy's going to be okay? I saw her face after the assembly, and I think she's taking it pretty hard. JIM Don't worry about Tracy. She'll be fine. INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM NIGHT CLOSE ON TRACY - her face drained and pallid, her eyes red and bleary: she is exhausted from crying. TRACY One vote... one vote She falls again headlong again into the throes of despair. Her mouth contorts into a rictus of agony, and there issues an almost feral cry of pain. Her anguish grows convulsive. Barbara Flick comes in and sits on the bed. She's carrying a PRESCRIPTION BOTTLE and a glass of milk. BARBARA Why don't you take a couple of my pills, darling? You'll feel better. Tracy takes the pills and sips the milk weakly. Her mother kisses her. BARBARA (CONT'D) Don ' t worry. .. don ' t worry. . . sshhhhh... that's it, baby... that's it, darling. Everything's going to be fine. She lays Tracy on the bed, and Tracy begins to quiet. Barbara kisses her again and rises to leave. At the door she pauses to add a few final words of comfort. BARBARA (CONT'D) Maybe you needed more posters, honey. Or if you'd taken my suggestions about your speech. I don't know. We'll figure it out. EXT. MCAILISTER HOME NIGHT JIM stands at his own back door, beaten and ashamed. He lifts a hand and knocks. After a moment the door opens, and there is Diane. JIM Diane, I... Diane looks at JIM in silence. Her face reveals nothing, but there is a deadness in her eyes. After a moment, she turns back inside, leaving the door open. JIM follows his wife inside, closes the door. The camera moves to peek in the kitchen window, from where we watch JIM and Diane but cannot make out anything they say. JIM (VO) I don't know how Diane and I made it through that night, but we did. Our marriage had gone right to the brink, but in the end I guess it was saved by one simple fact: we truly loved each other. So we made a commitment to begin the painful process of piecing our lives back together. The worst was over; the mistakes of the past were behind us. INT. MILLARD HIGH JIM'S CLASSROOM -- NIGHT A WASTE BASKET peeks out from under Jim's desk. We hear a distinctive rhythmic squeak, and a shadowy head appears in the window. Keys jingle. The door opens, and Lowell turns on the lights. He approaches the waste basket and slides it out. EXT. MILLARD HIGH TRACK DAY FROM OVERHEAD - JIM circles the track. ON THE GROUND -- JIM does pushups. Then sit-ups. JIM (VO) The next day held the promise of a new beginning. After all, what harm had really been done? No one was dead. INT. MILLARD OFFICE DAY Now all clean and refreshed and whistling a merry tune, JIM pops in to check his box, giving a wave to Miss Seeder. JIM Hi, Linda. JIM continues to whistle as he looks through his mail. JIM (VO CONT'D) Life would go on, and I would certainly be a stronger and wiser person from the experience. MISS BEEDER Uh, Jim? JIM Hmm? MISS BEEDER Walt needs to see you. JIM Oh. Okay. Still absorbed in his papers, JIM heads over to Walt's door. INT. WALT'S OFFICE CONTINUOUS JIM You rang? JIM stops cold. Walt is not alone. Barbara Flick and a bleary-eyed Tracy are there. So are Larry Fouch, Ron Bell, and Lowell the janitor. Prominently displayed on Walt's desk are TWO CRINKLED BALLOTS. JIM takes an eternal few seconds to absorb what is happening. WALT Mr. McAllister, I hope you can help us clear something up. BARBARA Look at his face! He knows he's been caught. Look at his face! (to Jim) Your ass is grass, Mister! LARRY You said I was a liar You're the liar, you're the -- WALT Larry, you just take it easy All turn and stare at Jim. Come to think of it, he does look awfully guilty. INT. SPANISH CLASS-- DAY MS. HOY leads the class in recitation. Paul responds along with his companeros. MS. HOY Yo -- CLASS pierdo. MS. HOY Tu CLASS pierdes. MS. HOY El/ella - CLASS pierde. A STUDENT AIDE enters the classroom and hands a note to the teacher, who upon reading the note looks up at Paul MS. HOY Senor presidente? The class laughs fondly. Paul looks around, beaming with embarrassment and pride. MS. HOY (CONT'D) Quieren verte en la oficina. PAUL Huh? INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Paul walks down the hall, a bounce in his step on this fine spring morning. PAUL Senor presidente. Yo soy senor presidente... El grande presidente... PAUL (VO) I don't know why, but finding out there was a mistake and I hadn't won the election after all didn't bother me that much. Winning had seemed kind of unreal anyway. I guess I should have voted for myself. Oh, well. Paul reaches the -- INT. SCHOOL OFFICE CONTINUOUS and enters Walt's office. Everyone is there WALT (standing up) Take a seat, son. We've got something hard to tell you. PAUL Is Tammy okay? WALT She's okay. It's about the election. Walt closes the door in our faces. We hold on the door. JIM (VO) After Paul got the bad news, Walt asked for a few minutes alone with me. It was very simple, really. I offered my resignation, and he accepted. Very quietly, it was all over for JIM McAllister at Millard High - twelve years of hard work down the drain. The door opens revealing that only wait and JIM remain. The office staff is hushed as JIM the Zombie Cyclops emerges into the office and walks somberly toward Miss Boeder. His voice quavers at half-volume. JIM Walt will be speaking with you about this, but I need you to find someone to take over my classes. The lesson plans for the rest of the year are in my top right drawer. MISS BEEDER Okay, Jim. I understand. JIM Thanks. Well. I'm going home now. EXT. HILLARD HIGH (REAR PROJECTIOH) -- DAY As JIM moves toward the parking lot, the school recedes in an odd REAR PROJECTION that suggests he is floating. The MUSIC here reinforces the gravity of the moment, the inevitability of his fate. JIM stops walking, and a disembodied STEEPING WHEEL floats into his hands. The scene behind changes to: INT./EXT. JIM'S CAR REAR PROJECTION - DAY The city passing by outside is another strange REAR PROJECTION. JIM grips the floating steering wheel and makes turns wildly out-of-sync with the background. JIM (VO) I don't remember driving home, or much of anything that happened in the next few days. JIM lets go of the steering wheel, and it drifts away. JIM turns his back to camera to face - INT. MCALLISTER HOUSE (REAR PROJECTIOH) -- DAY JIM drifts toward his house, and it absorbs him through the front door. INT. MCALLISTER LIVING ROOM - DAY We're no longer in rear-projection land: reality has caught up with Jim. As he walks across the room, he strips off his shirt, shoes, socks, and finally pants. Left only in his underwear, he walks through the house and out into the - EXT. MCALLISTER BACKYARD DAY and flops down in the grass, facing the sky. JIM (VO CONT'D) There were news stories in the paper and on television, former students calling with their support, endless hours of doing nothing, thinking nothing. A shadow falls over Jim's face, and a hand offers him a glass of iced tea. Grateful, JIM takes it, and looks up at - DIANE, her head blocking the sun. JIM (VO CONT'D) Diane stood by me through the entire humiliating ordeal, in a way, it sort of evened things out between us. Diane leaves. JIM looks up at the sky. JIM (VO CONT'D) Soon school was over, and summer stretched out in front of me as it always had. Funny how the rhythm of the school year remains ingrained in you for life. in mid-June we found out Diane was pregnant. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear the opening bars of a bouncy TIJUANA BRASS SONG. EXT. METZLER CEMENT PLANT NIGHT PAUL IS DANCING, twisting to the music at a PARTY, a giant grin on his face, a big sombrero with tassels on his head. Behind him we can see an enormous illuminated GRAVEL CONVEYOR. SUPER-IMPOSED: "ONE YEAR LATER." PAUL (VO) Senior year was great I Sure, I didn't get to play ball or be president, but I got elected homecoming king and prom king anyway. I got into Nebraska like I wanted and early-rushed Phi Delts. At the end of the year me and my buddies threw a hitching Mexican party down at the cement plant. Shit, that was a good party. That was a good party! LATER -- Paul is at a KEG, pumping it up and serving himself a beer. He takes a sip, seems to grow pensive. PAUL (VO CONT'D) The only really bad thing about senior year was Lisa. Right before Christmas she dumped me. One minute she's totally in love with me and then boom she's going out with my football buddy Randy. Paul looks over at LISA dancing suggestively with RANDY Paul looks sad, takes another gulp, waves at unseen friends. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I'd actually won the election. Maybe my whole life would be different. Like I might never have gone to Yosemite with Greg and Travis. Paul takes a BIG GULP and looks into camera. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Or maybe I'd be dead. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear a distinctive AIRY HISS. INT. SACRED HEART BATHROOM DAY Tammy takes a big toke off a JOINT. TAMMY (VO) Catholic school was great! Tammy and JENNIFER, a Sacred Heart schoolmate, are jammed into a bathroom stall. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I mean, the teachers kind of sucked, and they were supposedly way more strict, but you could get away with murder. Tammy hands off the doob to Jennifer, who takes a huge hit. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) The best thing about Sacred Heart was meeting Jennifer. Jennifer looks at Tammy. Tammy looks at Jennifer JENNIFER MONTAGE - accompanied by the early '70's song, "Jennifer." SUPER-8 style glimpses of Tammy and Jennifer in the Sacred Heart hallways, Jennifer in the park, Jennifer dancing in Tammy's room, and finally, Jennifer SWINGING. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) All those feelings I had for Lisa were just preparing me for the real thing. Jennifer and I are soul mates, and we're never, ever, ever going to be apart. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear the MURMUR of a small crowd, interrupted by the BANG, BANG, BANG of a GAVEL. TRACY (VO) Senior year was very productive for me and full of personal achievement. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL OFFICE DAY Tracy officiates a MEETING. Next to her at the head table is Jerry Raynor and other council members. TRACY Order. Order. Order I Can we vote on this? Those in favor. TRACY (VO) On top of a very successful student council year, I got into Cornell like I wanted, with scholarships, and I was in the top 7th percentile of my graduating class. TRACY Approved EXT. PARK DAY Tracy walks along the edge of a pond on this overcast day, Her arms are crossed, and she wears an oversized woolen sweater. Wind blows softly through her hair. TRACY (VO CONT'D) But sometimes I got lonely, and I'd think about Dave. I missed our talks. Maybe it could have worked out between us. I don't know. INT. REAL VALU HARDWARE DAY Wearing the red vest and "Ask me" button of a Real Valu foot soldier, Dave stands above a case of SPRAY PAINT. He is stamping prices on every cap. TRACY (VO CONT'D) I wonder what he's doing now. Maybe he finally finished his novel INT. MILLARD CAFETERIA - DAY It's ANNUAL distribution time, and crowd of excited students are lined up to get their precious book of memories. Many have already received theirs and are crowded around dining tables, gleefully exchanging bans mots. Tracy takes her annual and quickly opens it to the INDEX. CLOSE ON TRACT'S NAME - followed by a whopping list of page references TRACY (VO) When the yearbooks came out, I was on almost every page. EXT. MILLARD PARKING LOT - DAY Tracy walks outside hugging her yearbook and sees PAUL AT HIS TRUCK, surrounded by supplicants. Tracy stops for a moment and watches. She gathers her courage and heads toward him. Paul doesn't even notice her, so occupied is he with his friends and admirers. TRACY Paul, will you sign my yearbook? PAUL Sure, Tracy. Paul takes the book, efficiently finds the page with his picture, and goes to work. TRACY Can I sign yours too? PAUL Oh, yeah, sure. (to a friend) Hey Nolan, give my book to Tracy when you're done* Nolan finishes and hands the book over. Tracy turns to the front pages and finds them completely filled, as are the end pages. Now she looks for her picture. When she finds it, it's almost completely obscured by part of some ASSWIPE 'S long, illegible, exclamation point-filled message. Finally, she locates an available space and begins to write. TRACY (VO) I thought very carefully about what to write. Because despite everything that had happened with the election, I really wished him well. I even signed it... CLOSE ON - Tracy writing: "Love, Tracy" beneath her inscription Tracy takes Paul's book back to him. He's already working on another annual and barely looks up when he swaps with her. PAUL Thanks, Tracy. Tracy starts to walk away and Paul stops her PAUL (CONT'D) Hey, Tracy I.. She turns around expectantly TRACY Yes, Paul? PAUL Have a great summer. And good luck at college. TRACY (genuinely moved) Thanks. You too. It was great working with you. Tracy opens the book as she walks and stops when she finds AN ALMOST BLANK PAGE with Paul's puny inscription at the bottom: Have a great Summer! Good luck at college Paul Metzier' INT. TRACY'S ROOM DAY Tracy looks at herself in a mirror, as though dispassionately assessing her own face. Then she begins to put on lipstick. TRACY (VO) After graduation, I don't know. ; somehow felt empty inside. I guess high school just seemed so meaningless now and I couldn't wait to get out of Omaha. Next year I was going to make all new friends. Smarter, more ambitious friends. It was time to move on. There was nothing left for roe here. I just had one more thing to take care of. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK comes the sound of a BUSY COMMERCIAL STREET. JIM (VO) After two months of sitting on my ass and two months helping out at my brother-in-law's travel agency... EXT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY A standard-issue car dealership: banner-draped lot, glass enclosed showroom. JIM (VO CONT'D) ...I landed a position at a Saturn dealership. INT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY All those cars and that new-car SMELL IN HIS CUBICLE JIM is typing at his desk across from a 55-ish MALE CUSTOMER. JIM (VO CONT'D) I never thought I'd end up selling cars, but it's not so bad. I like the Saturn philosophy -- it really is a different kind of company. A FRAMED SNAPSHOT on Jim's desk shows Diane and him with the LITTLE ONE. JIM (VO CONT'D) I'm just relieved to have a steady income now that there are three of us. INT./EXT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY QUICK MONTAGE OUTSIDE ON THE LOT JIM saunters toward a client reading stickers. INSIDE THE DEALERSHIP JIM explains features of a CROSS-SECTIONED SATURN THE CLIENT IS IN A DRIVER'S SEAT while JIM leans in from the opposite window, pointing out dashboard features. JIM (VO) Actually, it wasn't so difficult making the transition from teaching to selling. It's like I tell my customers: my role is just to educate people so they can make informed decisions. THE GLASS DOORS TO THE SHOWROOM OPEN, and JIM watches a satisfied customer drive slowly away in a new Saturn Twin Cam. JIM (VO CONT'D) When I send someone home with a new unit, I feel a genuine sense of pride. INT. GRIFFITH SATURN EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM DAY The room consists of mismatched sofas and chairs around a coffee table. There's a TV that no one watches. Sleeves rolled up and tie loosened, JIM eats a sandwich next to TWO OTHER SALESMEN and a FEMALE ACCOUNTANT who like him are eating lunch and watching TV. NO one speaks. JIM (VO CONT'D) So that's about it. Maybe I'll get back to teaching someday, but for the time being, I guess I'm pretty happy where I'm at. A SALESMAN pokes his head in the door. SALESMAN (to Jim) Hey, Professor. There's a young gal out here asking for you. JIM Oh JIM chews quicker and wipes his mouth as he stands up, straightens his tie. SALESMAN (low, as JIM passes) She's a real hot tamale. INT. SHOWROOM DAY JIM walks among the shiny new cars and sees the back of an attractive young woman in a red dress and heels. She turns around: it's Tracy. JIM is truly surprised. TRACY Hello, Mr. M. JIM Hello, Tracy. JIM waits for Tracy to lead the way, but she doesn't JIM (CONT'D) So what brings you here? TRACY I'm looking at new cars. JIM Oh. New cars. I see. Well, you came to the right place TRACY My mother's buying me a new car for college. JIM Huh. Right. College. Wow. Where are you going? Where 'd you get into? TRACY Well, I got in everywhere I applied, but Cornell is my first choice. JIM Good for you. Good for you An uncomfortable pause. JIM shifts gears. JIM (CONT'D) So, are you looking for something sporty or more practical? TRACY Sporty. INT./EXT. THE SPORTY SATURN -- DAY A test drive. JIM is in the passenger seat. Tracy nears the end of the dealership's driveway. TRACY Where to? JIM Anywhere you want. (checks his watch) Just so long as we're not gone more than a half-hour. Tracy turns right. They drive a moment in silence. JIM Handles pretty good, don't you think? TRACY Yeah. JIM Plenty of pep, too. TRACY Uh-huh. JIM And this model comes with ABS and dual air bags standard. TRACY That sounds good. A silence JIM So Tracy? TRACY Yes? JIM Why are you doing this? TRACY Doing what? JIM Coming to see me. Are you trying to. . humiliate me? TRACY Nooo. I just thought... l mean, I am looking for a new car. But I just thought, well, I'm going away soon, and you'll be stuck here and, I don't know, I just think maybe if things had been different we might have been, well, friends. Real friends. And then things would be different. Don't you think? JIM just looks at Tracy - it's so very odd JIM Well, I... I... that's very nice of you. TRACY (excited) I've got an idea. Tracy suddenly signals and takes a right. EXT. OMAHA STREET -- DAY Tracy and JIM and the Saturn zoom by. INT./EXT. SATURN -- DAY Tracy takes a corner and pulls to a stop in front of a modest middle class house. JIM What's this? TRACY My house. Tracy sets the parking brake. Jim's eyes register a suppressed panic. JIM I don't understand. What's the deal? Tracy looks deeply into Jim's eyes. TRACY I want you to do something for me. JIM Swallows, unsure what heaven or hell awaits him. TRACY (getting out) I just have to get something. I'll be right back. Tracy heads toward the house. JIM sits and waits. He scans Tracy's house, notices the chipped and peeling paint, the rusting lawn furniture, the bowed porch steps. NOW TRACY opens the door and gets in. She carries her YEARBOOK and gives it to Jim. JIM Oh, is this...? (thumbing through it) God. First one of these I haven't been in for a long time. TRACY Would you sign it for me? Tracy reaches over the parking brake and flips the yearbook to the blank pages at the beginning. JIM What a surprise. TRACY Take as much room as you want JIM removes a pen from his breast pocket and uncaps it. He considers what to write. TRACY (CONT'D) I'm scared, Mr. M. I kind of don't feel ready for college. JIM You'll be fine. TRACY I hope so JIM You will. CLOSE ON JIM He looks at the yearbook. He looks at Tracy. He looks out the windshield. It's all so odd. CLOSE ON THE BLANK PAGE JIM begins to write: "Dear Tracy,"ELECTION by Alexander Payne & JIM Taylor Third Draft July 22,1997 Based on the novels by Tom Perotta EXT. MILLARD HIGH -- DAWN The school stretches out before us, slumbering in the overcast morning air. Along the front sidewalk, a lone JANITOR trundles a garbage bin filled with overstuffed hefty bags. A weathered FORD ESCORT pulls into the empty PARKING LOT and comes to a stop near the athletic field. A TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE - TRACY (VO) None of this would have happened if Mr. McAllister hadn't meddled the way he did. He should have just accepted things as they are instead of trying to interfere with destiny. You see, you can't interfere with destiny. That's why it's destiny. And if you try to interfere, the same thing's going to happen anyway, and you'll just suffer. JIM MCALLISTER, a teacher in his mid to late-thirties, emerges from the car in running clothes and carrying a briefcase, gym bag, and coffee mug. On his way to the field, he crosses paths with the janitor. JIM Morning, Lowell Lowell nods, hoists a bag and tosses it into a dumpster. EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD -- DAWN JIM CIRCLES THE TRACK, sweating and panting. ON THE GROUND JIM does sit ups JIM Twenty-one... twenty-two. He collapses onto his back. His head rolls to one side, and he glances past the fence at -- THE PARKING LOT Where a second CAR is just arriving. JIM watches as TRACY FLICK, a junior, and her MOTHER get out. The mother helps remove a CARD TABLE and a big plastic sack from the trunk before Tracy heads toward the school. MOTHER (distant) Good luck! JIM turns his gaze toward the sky, closes his eyes, sighs. INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM -- DAY Naked in the showers, JIM pumps liquid soap from the wall- mounted metal dispenser. INT. HILLARD HALL DAY THE LEGS OF A CARD TABLE - as Tracy spreads them open and locks them into place. STICKS OF GUM from a Plen-T-Pack are emptied into a FISHBOWL- SCOTCH TAPE is wrapped around the end of a pen to attach a piece of string INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM DAY AT THE MIRROR JIM adjusts the knot of his tie, notices a little shaving cream in his ear. INT. MILLARD HALL DAY FOUR CLIPBOARDS with pens and lined sheets of paper are being placed in a row like little soldiers. The top of every sheet reads "Tracy Flick for President: Official Nomination Signatures." INT. FACULTY LOUNGE -- MORNING AT THE REFRIGERATOR JIM tries to place his lunch inside, but the shelves are too crammed with old take-out containers. He opens one and smells it. Disgusted, he drags a garbage can over and begins throwing things away. Lowell appears in the doorway wheeling his squeaky maintenance cart and watches JIM conduct his purge as A CHINESE FOOD BOX misses the can and rolls on the floor. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY Tracy is seated behind her card table strategically placed near the school's main entrance. A sign taped to the wall behind her reads, TRACY FOR PREZ. SIGN UP FOR TOMORROW, TODAY! She checks her watch, readies herself. JIM walks around the corner whistling vaguely. TRACY Good morning, Mr. McAllister. JIM Not wasting any time, are you, Tracy? TRACY (chirping) You know what they say about the early bird. JIM Yes, I do. An awkward moment passes between them. JIM Well, good luck there, Tracy TRACY Thanks, Mr. M. AS JIM turns and walks away, Tracy watches him. He stops and picks up some litter, tosses it in a nearby garbage can. TRACY (VO) No matter what he says, Mr. McAllister had it out for me from the start. Oh sure, he was all smiles and good wishes and everything, but underneath he was just as unfair and petty as anybody else. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY Alone in his room, JIM studies the Omaha World-Herald TRACY (VO CONT'D) He'll probably tell you how committed he was to teaching and democracy and integrity and all. Don't be fooled. After laying the paper down to circle an article, JIM leans back in his chair and momentarily loses himself in thought. JIM (VO) It's hard to remember how the whole thing started, the whole election mess. What I do remember is that I loved my job. I was a teacher, an educator, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Suddenly a VOICE -- VOICE (OS) Hey, Mr. M. Mr. M.! JIM glances OUT THE WINDOW and sees a kid -- PAUL METZLER -- pointing at him. Paul walks with a LIMP. Behind him, other STUDENTS approach the school. PAUL Stop daydreaming! Get back to work! JIM enjoys the affectionate joshing and gives the kid a wave. He returns to his newspaper, a contented man. JIM (VO) The students knew it wasn't just a job for me. EXT. MILARD HIGH FOOTBALL STADIUM -- NIGHT JIM sits in the bleachers, clapping his hands over his head. JIM C'mon, wolverines! Defense! Let's hold 'em back! JIM (VO) I got involved. And I cared. INT. MILLARD GYM DAY AT A PEP RALLY - JIM is dressed as a WESTERN VILLAIN, and his black hat reads "Lincoln South." With a menacing grimace he approaches a group of FOOTBALL PLAYERS at a poker table. JIM (VO CONT'D) And I think I made a difference. A CORNER OF THE SCHOOL DAY JIM has a comforting hand of the shoulder of a CRYING GIRL JIM (VO CONT'D) I knew I touched the students' lives during their difficult young adult years, and I took that responsibility seriously. INT. AUDITORIUM -- NIGHT JIM trots up the stairs to receive a plaque. He beams. JIM (VO CONT'D) In the twelve years I taught U.S. History, Civics and current Events at Millard, I was voted Teacher of the Year three times - a school record. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY Mr. McAllister reads aloud from the newspaper as he paces in front of his class of high school juniors, Tracy Flick among them. The seats are arranged in a SEMI-CIRCLE. JIM (VO CONT'D) Standing in front of a room full of young people, trying to make them think that's how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, JIM slaps the newspaper for emphasis and addresses the class JIM So would this be an ethical situation or a moral situation? What's the difference between ethics and morals, anyway? Tracy shoots her hand into the air. JIM notices but keeps looking around. JIM (CONT'D) Anybody Other hands rise tentatively JIM (CONT'D) Derek DEREK Uh, ethics is like when you, uh, do what society tells you is right and morals are like, uh... JIM You're on the right track, who can help him out? DEREK ..morals are when... Tracy's hand goes higher. JIM Michelle? MICHELLE Morals are like lessons, you know, like the moral of a story; it's what you learn from a story or a fable or something. . . JIM Or a life experience. Good. And ethics? MICHELLE That's more like, urn... Ethics is how you use the morals... that you learn from a story? JIM weighs the answer, tries to be encouraging. JIM Okay. But we're still missing something key here. What are we missing? TRACY (hand still raised) I know. JIM (finally) Tracy. TRACY Ethics are... FREEZE FRAME on Tracy, her hand lowering, her mouth agape. JIM (VO) Tracy Flick. Tracy Flick. I've never met anyone quite like Tracy Flick. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM -- DAY -- ONE YEAR PREVIOUS JIM sits to one side, monitoring the student council MEETING about to convene. A younger Tracy enters briskly and, unlike her casual teen comrades, has made an attempt to dress for success. She takes a seat right up front and opens her backpack. After preparing her notepad and pen, Tracy puts a MICROCASSETTE RECORDER on the table in front of her and pushes RECORD. JIM (VO CONT'D) She first showed up in my life as a freshman delegate in student council. I'd seen a lot of ambitious students come and go over the years, but I could tell right away Tracy Flick was different. JIM observes Tracy, trying to size her up. ON TRACY -- putting all her little things in order, finally folding her hands to wait. JIM (VO CONT'D) It wasn't long before everyone knew who Tracy Flick was. She made sure of that. Her drive was astonishing. Even scary. A FAST-PACED MONTAGE BEGINS UNDER TRACY'S VOICE-OVER: INSERT HILLARD HIGH YEARBOOK It fans open to the INDEX. PAN DOWN to Tracy's name followed by countless page references TRACY (VO CONT'D) Some people say I'm an overachiever, but I think they're just jealous. A page number turns BOLD, and the other numbers drop away Suddenly we are on that page, and we PAN to a headline: "Spanish Club says Oh La!" PAN to the group shot and ZOOM in on Tracy smiling in a big SOMBRERO. TRACY (VO CONT'D) My Mom always tells me I'm different -- you know, special. And if you look at all the things I've accomplished so far, I think you'd have to agree. We see Tracy on other pages too: "Yearbook Staff goes for it!" "Junior Achievers put on the dog!" "Student Council meets the challenge;" Oklahoma's a hit! TRACY (VO CONT'D) Here I am in Oklahoma. The STILL of Tracy in Oklahoma suddenly COMES TO LIFE. INT. MILLARD HIGH AUDITORIUM NIGHT On stage, Tracy wears a cowgirl outfit and hams it up with exaggerated gestures. TRACY (off-key) I'm just a girl who can't say no... TV INSERT/INT. CAFETERIA DAY It's the closed-circuit school NEWS BROADCAST. Tracy is delivering a stand-up report from the crowded cafeteria. Her dress and makeup are an obvious if lame emulation of a professional newswoman. TRACY (VO) And here I am on KMHS, our student-run TV station. TRACY (ON TV) ..that's why Principal Hendricks made the controversial announcement that the littering must stop. Tracy Flick reporting. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL MEETING ROOM -- AFTERNOON A Student Council meeting is underway led by the president, LARRY FOUCH. A girl, ASHLEY, is speaking. JIM observes from the side. TRACY (VO) But it was in SGA, the Student Government Association, where I made my biggest mark. I never missed a meeting, and I volunteered for every committee as long as I could lead it. Before Ashley can finish, Tracy STANDS UP TRACY I agree with Ashley. We should rent the barrels at least a day beforehand. What happened last time was a travesty, I mean, we were -- LARRY FOUCH (trying to quiet her) Yeah, no, I know, Tracy. That's why we're -- Look, can we just take a vote on this? INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY BACK TO TRACY still frozen mid-sentence, waiting to finish her answer. JIM (VO) Now at the end of her junior year, Tracy was poised to win the presidency of the student body. And so far she was running unopposed. TRACY COMES BACK TO LIFE TRACY ...the rules of conduct determined by a culture at a... SHE FREEZES AGAIN JIM (VO) Oh. There's one more thing about Tracy I think you should know. INT. MILLARD STAFF-ROOM -- DAY CLOSE ON DAVE NOVOTNY, another teacher in his mid-thirties DAVE Her pussy gets so wet you can't believe it. WIDE - Dave is leaning across his desk to speak with JIM at an adjacent work area. They eat sack lunches. JIM (VO) A few months before the election, she'd had an affair with my best friend Dave Novotny. JIM Don't tell me that. I don't want to know that. DAVE She's incredible. Everything just gets soaked. INT. JIM'S BASEMENT DAY Dun-dun-DUN... Dun-dun-DUN JIM and Dave are playing the opening notes of "Foxy Lady" through cheap, distorting amps. JIM plays bass. Dave plays guitar and sings into a microphone. They're bad. As in not good. The basement is typical of a Midwest middle-class young couple -- half storage and laundry, half makeshift roc-room. JIM (VO) Dave came to Millard the year after I did, and we hit it off right away. We backed each other up in teachers' meetings and shared an interest in 60's music and micro-breweries. CLOSE ON DAVE really getting into it, playing to an unseen stadium. Behind him JIM is very careful with his chords. JIM (VO CONT'D) You could tell Dave was one of those guys who taught because they never wanted to leave high school in the first place, and that could get a little irritating sometimes, but basically he was a real good guy. DAVE (singing) Foxy. . . Foxy. . . You know you're a cute little heartbreaker... Foxy... You know you're a sweet little love maker... CAMERA DRIFTS toward the stairs leading up. INT. JIM'S KITCHEN CAMERA DRIFTS from the open basement stairway door and toward DIANE MCALLISTER and SHERRY NOVOTNY seated at the kitchen table. They are fussing over little six-month-old DARRYL NOVOTNY in his highchair. JIM (VO) Our wives became best friends too. And when Dave and Sherry's son Darryl was born, they asked us to be godparents. At a particularly grating note from downstairs, Diane gets up and closes the basement door. INT. GEOMETRY CLASS AN ISOSCELES TRIANGLE is being drawn on the blackboard and bisected. PULL OUT to reveal Dave explaining. The class is taking notes, and we zero in on a younger Tracy. TRACY (VO CONT'D) YOU probably think the worst - that Mr. Novotny was just taking advantage of one of his students, but it wasn't like that at all. Our relationship was based on mutual respect and admiration. I mean, during my sophomore year in geometry it was strictly professional between us -- I mean, nothing. EXT. GODFATHER'S PIZZA -- NIGHT The parking lot, the neon lights, the promise of good times. TRACY (VO CONT'D) It wasn't until junior year when we worked together on the yearbook that things got serious. INT. GODFATHER'S PIZZA -- NIGHT Dave and Tracy are at a booth along with six other students. TWO KIDS DISSOLVE OUT OF FRAME, and the others shift positions. Others continue to disappear in the same way, until only Dave and Tracy remain. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One night he took us editors out to celebrate after a deadline. Eventually Dave and I were left alone and we got to talking - not like teacher and student, but like two adults. DAVE You know, Tracy... I don't know how to say this, but... Dave's finger traces the rim of his frosty root beer mug. TRACY what? DAVE Well, I notice you don't seem to have any close friends at Millard. You seem to be kind of a loner. TRACY No, I'm not. I'm just really busy. DAVE I know. I know its not by choice. I just mean, well, being the kind of person you are, it must be really difficult to find someone you can talk to. TRACY What do you mean? What kind of person am I? DAVE What kind of person? Dave looks directly into her eyes. DAVE (CONT'D) Tracy, I've been watching you for going on two years now, and I think you are one of the most talented, hard-working, sensitive, attractive, brilliant students -- no, human beings -- I have ever met. I mean, you're the real thing. Special. TRACY (embarrassed, low) Thank you. DAVE And I know sometimes people like you have to pay a price for their greatness, and that price is loneliness. Tracy nods in quiet recognition. DAVE (CONT'D) I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But it seems like you might need a friend. INT. MILLARD YEARBOOK OFFICE -- DAY A DOOR with cloudy glass and a stenciled sign: YEARBOOK OFFICE. DISSOLVE through the door and TRAVEL through an empty room to discover another door with a sign that reads DARKROOM. TRACY (VO) Since I grew up without a dad, you might assume psychologically I was looking for a father figure. DISSOLVE through the darkroom door to DAVE AND TRACY bathed in red light. Tracy is sitting on Dave's lap as they make out hungrily. TRACY (VO CONT'D) But that had nothing to do with it at all. It was just that Dave was so strong and made me feel so safe and protected. INT. DAVE'S CAR -- DAY Dave drives. Tracy sits in the passenger seat. TRACY (VO CONT'D) It was the first time somebody ever saw the real me, the me that nobody else knows. DAVE (looking around) Here, get down. EXT. NOVOTKY HOUSE - DAY Dave wheels his car into the open garage. The automatic door closes behind him. INT. NOVOTHY LIVIMG ROOM Dave stands up from his squat at the STEREO, and the sexy sounds of Sade set the mood. Tracy is seated awkwardly at one end of the sofa, a Diet Dr. Pepper in one hand. Dave walks slowly toward her, a sexy, knowing look in his eye. The music is sexy. Tracy is sexy. He's sexy. Keeping his eyes locked on Tracy's, he takes the pop can from her hand and takes a sip himself. Sexy. INT. NOVOTHY STAIRCASE DAY Dave and Tracy walk up the stairs and down the hall. Dave enters the bedroom first, while Tracy pauses in the hall. His arm reaches out and pulls her inside. INT. NOVOTNY BEDROOM DAY IN QUICK TIGHT CUTS we see Dave and Tracy DISROBING Tracy's head and naked shoulders lay themselves on Dave's pillow. She looks toward the foot of the bed at -- DAVE, unable to believe his eyes. He looks at naked Tracy up and down, up and down, his breath quickening. Sade wafts up the stairs. DAVE Look at you. He descends out of frame. TRACY (VO) When I think back on my relationship with Mr. Novotny, what I miss most. is our talks. INT. DAVE'S BASEMENT DAY JIM is riveted by Dave's story; he is both horrified and titillated JIM You did it at your house? Your own house? DAVE Look, Jim... Okay. I know it all seems crazy, and maybe it did start out, you know, for the... for the sex and the danger. But now it's different. Jim, what I'm trying to tell you is that Tracy and I are totally, totally in love. JIM In love? DAVE Yeah, it's serious. I mean she inspires me in ways Sherry never has. She even wants to read my novel. JIM But you haven't written your novel. DAVE That's the whole point. It's all in my head; it's right here. I just got to get it out there. Tracy wants me to write it so she can read it. It's beautiful. JIM Dave, I'm just saying this as your friend. What you're doing is really, really wrong, and you've got to stop. Dave draws a heavy sigh and buries his head in his hands perhaps JIM has reached him. Perhaps not. DAVE You're not just jealous, are you? I mean, we both used to talk about her JIM (exploding) That was just talk! Fantasy talk! What are you, nuts? We talk about girls all the time, but it doesn't mean anything. I would never. . . I mean, I take very seriously our strict moral code. The line you've crossed is... it's illegal and it's immoral. DAVE I don't need a lecture on ethics, Jim, okay? I know what -- JIM I'm not talking about ethics. I'm talking about morals. CLICK. SQUEAK. STEP STEP STEP. SHERRY (OS) Peek-a-boo! Sherry comes down the basement stairs with Darryl in her arms. DAVE (to Jim, whispering) Look, I appreciate your concern. I really do. But like I said, I got it under control. As Sherry approaches them, Dave rises to take Darryl, the perfect father: hug, tickle, kiss. JIM (VO) I guess I don't have to tell you how all this turned out. INT. PRINCIPAL HENDRICK'S OFFICE DAY CLOSE ON DAVE slumped in a chair. He is lost in agony: all he can do is look down and draw short, gasping breaths. Principal Walt Hendricks is at his desk, examining a little BOOKLET. JIM sits on the vinyl sofa. CLOSE ON -- the small makeshift booklet whose cover reads, "There's a place for us" in overdone fancy cursive. THE SECOND PAGE shows a cutout from a travel magazine of a swanky BEACHFRONT HOTEL. One room has been circled with the words "you and me" written next to it. Below: "A time and place for us." We HEAR Walt clearing his throat, swallowing. THE THIRD PAGE has glued to it a POSTCARD showing a couple hand-in- hand on the beach at sunset and reading, "Maui is for lovers." Below: Take my hand and we'll soon be there. THE LAST PAGE has a cutout of a bouquet of flowers. It reads, "Tracy, See you in paradise? Love, your 'teacher' David. P.S. I really, really need you now." The booklet is lowered. DAVE Tracy's Mom -- she doesn't understand. WALT No, I'd say she doesn't. I don't think I've ever seen a mother quite so upset. We're all very, very lucky she doesn't want this public. Dave looks at JIM for help. JIM looks away. Dave's breaths grow more convulsive. Finally - DAVE But we're in love WALT Dave. Dave, look at me Dave looks slowly up. WALT I want you to get some help. DAVE & SHERRY'S LIVING ROOM NIGHT Sherry cradles Darryl while Dave grovels at her feet. JIM (VO) After Dave got fired, Sherry kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. SHERRY Your novel? Are you fucking kidding me? Dave follows Sherry as she takes the baby into their bedroom and slams the door in Dave's face. Dave pounds on the door, eventually sinking to his knees and crying. DAVE Sherry Sherry Sheerrry. ... JIM (VO) He ended up moving back to Milwaukee to live with his parents. I haven't heard from him in a long time. Poor guy. I warned him. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY Tracy, still frozen, THAWS OUT. Maybe now she can finish TRACY ...certain time in history and RINGGGGG Maybe not. At the bell, students instantly shut their textbooks and collect their things. JIM Okay. We'll pick up here next time Tracy is miffed as she puts her things away: slam, stuff, zip. She slings her backpack over her shoulder and heads toward the door. She looks back at -- MR. MCALLISTER who himself now FREEZES as he talks to a couple of students TRACY (VO) Now that I have more life experience, I feel sorry for Mr. McAllister. CLOSE-UP FROZEN DETAILS - of Jim's appearance - his slightly frayed collar and bad tie; the heels of his old docksiders worn down at irritating angles; the faded impression his too-big wallet has made in his khakis; his growing bald spot; his ear hairs. TRACY (VO) I mean, anyone who's stuck in the same little room saying the exact same things year after year for his whole life, wearing the same stupid clothes, while his students go on to good colleges and move to big cities and do great things and make loads of money has got to be at least a little jealous. It's like my room says - the weak always try to sabotage the strong. Tracy turns and walks out the door. INT. TRACY'S HOUSE -- DAY CLOSE ON A SMILING LITTLE TRACY - in a Sears-style portrait. PAN across a wall full of other framed photos of Tracy accepting awards, dancing in a recital, poised to dive at a swim meet. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One thing that's important to know about me is that I'm an only child. So my Mom is really devoted to me, and I love her so much. She wants me to do all the things she wanted to do in life but couldn't. AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE Tracy's mother, BARBARA FLICK, finishes a letter and puts it in an envelope. TRACY (VO CONT'D) See, Mom used to be a stewardess for Northwest and now works as a para-legal. She likes to write letters to successful women like Janet Reno and Elizabeth Dole and ask them how they got to be where they are and what advice do they have for me, Tracy, her daughter. CLOSE ON BARBARA'S TONGUE as the envelope flap slides across it. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY A politician's SMILE plastered to her face, Tracy is at her card table vigorously gathering signatures. TRACY (VO CONT'D) Nine times out of ten they say you have to hold on to your dreams no matter what. The pressures women face mean you have to work twice as hard, and you can't let anything or anyone stand in your way. A shabbily dressed BURNOUT -- DOUG SCHENKEN -- walks past and grabs a huge handful of gum. TRACY One per person! Put those back I John just keeps on walking away, and his two BUDDIES take great delight in his nimble-witted, quick retort. DOUG SCHENKEN Eat me INT. HILLARD LIBRARY -- DAY While other students sit in groups around her, Tracy sits apart at her own table, concentrated and alone. She is writing little numbers by her signatures. TRACY Ninety-seven.. .ninety-eight. TRACY (VO) But you know, winning isn't everything. If you play fair and follow all the rules thoroughly, you'll always come out ahead. Win or lose, ethical conduct is the most important thing. Just ask Mr. McAllister. EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY CLOSE ON TRACY'S EXCITED FACE TRACY Mr. McAllister? Mr. McAllister! Wait up I Jim, his tie loose and his sleeves rolled up, looks up from unlocking his car. Tracy runs toward him holding out a TERM PAPER FOLDER. TRACY I got all my signatures. One hundred and fifty-eight -- way more than I need! JIM Hey, that's super TRACY Here they are. JIM You can put those in my box. I'll look at them tomorrow. TRACY Could you approve them now? I'd like to kick off my campaign right away, you know, in the morning. JIM (resigned) Right He cursorily flips through the bound pages and offers them back to Tracy. JIM (CONT'D) Looks good to me. TRACY Aren't you supposed to keep them? JIM NO, that's fine TRACY I thought you were supposed to keep them. JIM Okay, fine. Sure JIM throws his briefcase and Tracy's folder into the backseat. TRACY Thanks for everything. JIM You bet. Tracy stays put as JIM climbs in, shuts the door and fastens his seat belt. TRACY (cheery, awkward) I can't wait to start campaigning. JIM Should be easy. So far no competition. TRACY Hell, you know, Coca-Cola's the world's number one soft drink, but they spend more money than anybody on advertising. I guess that's how come they stay number one. JIM Yeah. Okay. well, good luck Tracy They exchange a long, curious stare. There's a tone at once confrontational and vaguely sexual about this moment. TRACY You know, Mr. M., when I win the presidency, that means you and I are going to be spending a lot of time together next year. And I for one would like that time to be harmonious and productive. Wouldn't you? JIM Sure TRACY Okay. That's good. I just wanted to make sure. JIM Good luck, Tracy. JIM pulls away and heads for the parking lot exit. INT.EXT. JIM'S CAR ON STREET -- DAY JIM drives stone-faced, unblinking. Something about the music on the radio mocks him. JIM (VO) I don't blame Tracy for what happened with Dave. How could I? Dave was an adult more than twice her age. EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKIKG LOT DAY JIM pulls to a stop next to a giant DUMPSTER Out of his window come yellowed newspapers, balled-up fast food bags, and other detritus. He speeds away. JIM (VO CONT'D) Sure, she got on my nerves once in a while, but I admired Tracy. I really did. INSIDE THE DUMPSTER we see Tracy's little bound book of signatures. INT. MCALLISTER DIKING ROOM - MIGHT JIM and his wife Diane sit at their dining room table, eating chicken pot pies, baked potatoes with sour cream, salad with Lite Ranch dressing. Not a word passes between them. JIM (VO CONT'D) Thank God for Diane. She was my best friend, my source of love and strength. Oh sure, we'd had our share of bumpy times, but we'd always seen them through. After nine years of marriage, we were closer than ever. And the secret? Good communication. DIANE Anything wrong? JIM Everything's fine. Just, you know, school. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM - NIGHT JIM lies awake in bed while Diane snores beside him. Something seems to be echoing in his head. TRACY'S VOICE ...You know, Coca-Cola's by far the number one soft drink... When I win the presidency we're going to be spending a lot of time together... a lot of time... lots and lots and lots of time... president and advisor. . . CLOSE ON JIM'S EAR as Tracy's LIPS magically whisper into it. TRACY ...harmonious and productive... close and special... you and I... so close... so intimate... together... INT. MCALLISTER BASEMENT NIGHT In the darkness a light pops on, and JIM quietly pads down the stairs. He opens an old CEDAR TRUNK, lifts out a few blankets and a piece of cardboard to reveal a row of PORNO TAPES cleverly concealed in the bottom of the trunk. ON THE TV SCREEN - A FOOTBALL PLAYER in uniform and helmet filets a CHEERLEADER in a locker room. JIM watches with detachment, as though watching the news. He sips a can of PEPSI. The football stud continues to bump and grind. Looking at his Pepsi can, JIM is suddenly inspired. JIM (quietly) Paul. EXT. SKI SLOPE (REAR PROJECTION) DAY PAUL METZLER is SKIING in goggles and scarf. Behind him is a cheesy dated rear projection of other skiers. Suddenly Paul loses his balance and FALLS. CLOSE ON PAUL writhing in the snow. PAUL Why. . . ? Why. . . ? PAUL (VO) I was so mad at God when I broke my leg at Shadow Ridge over Christmas break. INSERT X-RAY LIGHT BOX CLOSE ON AN X-RAY of a multiple FRACTURE. PAUL (VO CONT'D) The doctors told me I'd have to quit sports for at least a couple years if not forever. INSERT YEARBOOK PICTURE Paul kneels in his FOOTBALL UNIFORM. The photograph erupts in flames. Bonanza-style. PAUL (VO CONT'D) ...which meant no first-string quarterback in the fall. It was like the end of my life! EXT. MILLARD HIGH FRONT STEPS DAY Paul stands talking to FRIENDS in a very typical high school tableau. All wear backpacks or carry books. A GIRL kneels to sign his cast. PAUL (VO CONT'D) When I got back to school everybody was so supportive, and they all wanted to sign my cast and everything... EXT. MISSOURI RIVER LOCKOUT -- DAY Alone, Paul leans on his crutches and watches the river PAUL (VO CONT'D) ... but I still couldn't shake the feeling that now my life had no purpose. What did God want from me? THE VAST MISSOURI - always flowing, never stopping, no beginning, no end PAUL (VO CONT'D) Why did I exist? INT. LIBRARY DAY Paul is sleeping slumped over a table, his head cradled on crossed arms. The Celestine Prophecy is open face down next to him. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Sometimes you can search everywhere for answers. Then one day destiny just taps you on the shoulder. I know, because it happened to me. A FINGER reaches down and taps Paul's shoulder. Paul comes to and looks -- it's Mr. McAllister. JIM Paul, could I talk to you for a minute? MILLARD HALLWAY - DAY His arm on Paul's shoulder, JIM walks Paul down a deserted hall and into Jim's classroom. JIM picks up some scrap paper off the floor and puts it in the proper place. PAUL (VO) Mr. McAllister changed my life. And no matter what they say he did or did not do, I believe he is a good man. JIM'S CLASSROOM - DAY Paul sits in a chair, while JIM stands JIM Paul, I know you've been pretty down since your accident. PAUL I wanted to play next year so bad I could taste it. And maybe go on to... JIM I know. I understand disappointment. I really do. PAUL Yeah. JIM But you've got a big choice right now. You can choose to be depressed about it for the rest of your life. Or you can choose to see it for what it really is: an opportunity. I personally think you have a big future ahead of you, and I don't mean the fleeting glory of sports. PAUL What do you mean? JIM Let me give you a clue. You're a born leader. You're one of the most popular students at Millard. You're honest and straightforward. You don't choke under pressure, as we all saw in that amazing fourth quarter against Westside. The other kids look up to you. What does that spell? Paul furrows his brow and looks around, searching for an answer. His lower lip is wet. JIM Student... council... president. It takes a moment for this to sink in. Finally PAUL Who, me? Nooo. I never... I don't know anything about that stuff, Mr. M. Besides, that's Tracy Flick's thing. She's always working so hard and -- JIM Yeah, no, she's a go-getter, all right. PAUL And she's super-nice JIM Yeah. But one person assured of victory kind of undermines the whole idea of a democracy, doesn't it? That's more like a... well, like a dictatorship, like we studied. JIM Paul, what's your favorite fruit? PAUL Huh? Oh. Uh... pears JIM takes a piece of chalk from the lip of the blackboard. JIM Okay, let's say PAUL No, wait -- apples. Apples. JIM draws illustrative circles on the board as he speaks. JIM Fine. Let's say all you ever knew was apples. Apples, apples and more apples. You might think apples were pretty good, even if you occasionally got a rotten one. Then one day there's an orange. And now you can make a decision. Do you want an apple, or do you want an orange? That's democracy. PAUL I also like bananas. JIM Exactly. So what do you say? Maybe it's time to give a little something back. INT. STUDENT COMHON AREA DAY Tracy directs her friend ERIC OVERHOLDT on a ladder as he hangs a large POSTER high on a wall. TRACY The right side is too high. The right side. Just a smidge. Suddenly she notices a small COMMOTION in the adjacent cafeteria and goes to investigate. INT. CAFETERIA DAY A small crowd of students compete to sign Paul's nomination petition taped to the wall. GUY (signing) Hey Paul, you going over to Anthony's on Friday, or what did you decide? PAUL I gotta talk to him first. Tracy watches the hubbub, none too pleased, and pushes her way to the front of the group. TRACY Who put you up to this? PAUL Huh? Oh, hi, Tracy Tracy stares at him. TRACY Who put you up to this? PAUL What do you mean? TRACY You just woke up this morning and suddenly decided to run for president? PAUL No. Uh... I just... you know, I just thought -- TRACY Thought what? PAUL Well, see, I was talking to Mr. McAllister about my leg and everything... and how I still want to, you know, do something for the school and -- TRACY So Mr. McAllister asked you to run. PAUL Well, I mean, you know, I talked to him and everything, but he just said he thought it was a good idea... and how there's all different kinds of fruit and... It's nothing against you, Tracy. You're the best. I just thought -- TRACY Okay, Mr. Popular. You're on. With that Tracy turns and SIGNS Paul's sheet THE "I" IN "FLICK" is dotted with a STAR CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE - as she walks away, Paul and his fans receding behind her TRACY (VO) You might think it upset me that Paul Metzier had decided to run against me, but nothing could be further from the truth. He was no competition for me: it was like apples and oranges. It just meant I had to work a little harder, that's all. INT. TRACY'S BASEMENT NIGHT CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE -- in a xeroxed photograph. "Vote Tracy!" is written at the bottom. Tracy is making campaign buttons with her BUTTON MACHINE. She manufactures her buttons with almost alarming intensity. PATRIOTIC MUSIC begins to rise. TRACY (VO CONT'D) You see, I believe in the voters. They understand that elections aren't just popularity contests. They know this country was built by people just like me who work very hard and don't have everything handed to them on a silver spoon. THE TRACY BUTTONS drop one by one into a box. All the little round Tracys smile up at us. EXT. MILLARD PARKING LOT DAY Paul is in the driver's seat of his hitching big-wheeled PICKUP TRUCK. His door is open, and his radio blasts a SONG carefully selected to boost soundtrack album sales. Various FRIENDS OF PAUL'S hang around. Tracy watches the scene from her seat on the SCHOOL BUS TRACY (VO CONT'D) Not like some rich kids who everybody likes because their fathers own Metzier Cement and give them trucks on their sixteenth birthday and throw them big parties all the time. They don't ever have to work for anything. The .bus pulls away. INT. TRACY'S LIVING ROOM AFTERNOON CLOSE ON TRACY'S FACE - staring into camera as she exercises on a NORDIC TRAC, Drenched in sweat, she moves in a hypnotic frenzy. TRACY (VO CONT'D) They think they can all of a sudden one day out of the blue waltz right in with no qualifications whatsoever and try to take away what other people have worked for very, very hard their entire lives. No, it didn't bother me at all I INT. PAUL'S PICKUP -- DAY Paul drives home, his stereo thumping. Silent, he appears lost in thought, as though a little gopher idea were burrowing its way to the surface. Oh, look -- there's its snout now. PAUL Paul... Paul... power... Paul... Paul for President... progress... promise... peanut... Paul-i-tics... yeah... President Paul... Punt for Paul! No. EXT. METZLER HOME DAY Paul pulls into the driveway and hops out of his car. INT. TAMMY METZLER'S BEDROOM DAY Two GIRLS are kissing on the bed. They are TAMMY METZLER and LISA FLANAGAN, fifteen and seventeen respectively. Lisa breaks away. Tammy tries to kiss her again, but Lisa resists. TAMMY (softly) What? LISA I told you ... I can't. I just -- It doesn't feel right anymore, you know? INT. METZLER KITCHEN DAY Whistling a cheerful tune, Paul tosses his backpack on a chair, grabs a banana, and opens the refrigerator. INT. TAMMY METZLER'S BEDROOM DAY Tammy is still trying to comfort Lisa. TAMMY If you could just get out of your head. Tammy leans forward, puts her palm on Lisa's cheek. Lisa looks at Tammy as though at a stranger. Tammy leans forward and .kisses Lisa's eyes. Lisa jerks her head out of Tammy's hands. LISA I said no! Suddenly, there's a quick KNOCK at the door, and Paul enters. The girls rise quickly. PAUL Hey, Tammy, guess what happened today. TAMMY Don't you fucking knock? PAUL Yeah. So guess what happened. So Mr. McAllister, he -- (noticing Lisa) Oh hi. Lisa. TAMMY Paul, get out! PAUL So Mr. M. calls me in and tells me -- LISA I gotta go. Lisa pushes her way past Paul and runs down the hall TAMMY (to Paul) You dumbshit! PAUL What'd I do? THE SCENE FREEZES. TAMMY (VO) You know how they say one day a big meteor might come and crash into the Earth and kill everybody? Well, I think that would be a good thing. BACK TO LIFE - Tammy turns away from Paul in disgust and runs after Lisa INT. METZLER LIVING ROOM AND FOYER CONTINUOUS Tammy finds the front door flung open and through it sees Lisa slamming the door of her beat-up Honda Civic and starting the engine. TAMMY Lisa EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET CONTINUOUS Tammy runs up to the car as it pulls away. She pounds on the window. TAMMY Stop! Wait! Lisa stops the car, rolls down the window TAMMY (CONT'D) Where 're you going? LISA I'm not like you. TAMMY What...? LISA I'm not a dyke, okay, and we're not in love. We were just... I was just experimenting. Lisa speeds away, and we watch her car grow smaller and smaller. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S FACE - as we see the greatest disappointment of her short life break across her face. TAMMY (VO) How can something that seems so true turn out to be such a lie? EXT. ELMWOOD PARK -- DAY Lisa and Tammy are swinging synchronized on a swingset, smiling and laughing. The image is slightly OVEREXPOSED as though to suggest an ideal memory. CLOSE ON TAMMY looking over at Lisa TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I mean Lisa and I were destined to be together. It was so obvious. Of all the people on the planet who had ever lived, somehow we'd found each other. CLOSE ON LISA in SLOW MOTION, swinging next to us. She looks back, her face so happy. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) Lisa... INT. TAMMY'S ROOM -- DAY CHOMP-CHOMP-CHOMP Tammy eats an asparagus spear. GNAW-GNAW-GNAW Lisa eats an asparagus spear TAMMY drinks a big glass of water. She giggles a little. LISA drinks a big glass of water. She giggles too. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I remember one time Lisa and I did an experiment with asparagus to see how long it takes your pee to smell. We peed a little every five minutes. AN EGG TIMER: Ding I Tammy and Lisa, very serious now, smell little Dixie cups TAMMY (VO CONT'D) For her it took about fifteen minutes, and for me it was twenty. INT. LIBRARY DAY Lisa studies at a table, surrounded by other busy students. TAMMY (VO) Everyday I found some new way to tell Lisa I loved her. Suddenly Tammy walks by, drops a folded NOTE in front of Lisa, and walks on. Lisa opens it. NOTE (Tammy's voice) If you died right now, I would throw myself into one of my Dad's cement trucks and get poured into your tomb. Lisa looks over her shoulder at Tammy, who is now at the door of the library. Tammy nods at her with quiet loving reassurance. TAMMY (VO) But it just seemed like the closer we got, the more she pulled away. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Lisa watches Tammy open her locker and notices a four-frame PHOTO- BOOTH PHOTOGRAPH taped to the inside of the door. In the photos Lisa and Tammy are clowning and smooching. Lisa reaches over and YANKS the photos off the door. LISA Are you crazy? TAMMY What? LISA People can see this. TAMMY So? LISA These are private -- these are for us. TAMMY I know. LISA But other people can see them too. TAMMY I don't care. LISA Well, I do. Lisa walks away with the photos EXT. ELMWOOD PARK DAY CLOSE ON LISA SWINGING -- next to us, a final reprise of Tammy's favorite memory TAMMY (VO) What did I do to make her change? What's wrong with me? Lisa swings out of frame, and the swing returns EMPTY. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) (a whisper) Lisa. EXT. HILL ABOVE A POWER PLANT TWILIGHT Tammy sits on a promontory overlooking an Omaha Public Power District station -- towers, wires, insulators, a loud HUM. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) Sometimes when I'm sad, I sit and watch the power station. Tammy lifts a pair of BINOCULARS to her eyes, sees THE POWER PLANT. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) They say if you lie between two of the main wires, your body just evaporates. You become a gas. I wonder what that would feel like. TAMMY'S STREET -- EVENING Lisa's car speeds away, growing smaller and smaller. We're back at the BREAK-UP. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S FACE as she stares down the street, unable to move. It starts to rain. Tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. very French, very sad. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I don ' t know what I did to make Lisa hate me so much, but somehow she decided to hurt roe. And she knew exactly what to do. LISA'S BEDROOM DAY CLOSE ON PAUL'S FACE -- matched in size to Tammy's. He is moaning, gasping. FROM OVERHEAD -- Paul is sprawled on Lisa's bed, surrounded by stuffed animals. His legs dangle over the edge of the bed, and Lisa kneels between them, her head bobbing up and down. PAUL (VO) I sure was surprised the day Lisa Flanagan asked me for a ride home and ended up blowing me. Lisa pauses and looks up at Paul. LISA I've wanted this for so long. She resumes with renewed vigor PAUL Uhhh... teeth. Teeth. LISA Sorry. INT. MILLARD HIGH CAFETERIA DAY Paul and Lisa sit with some other friends at a lunch table. Paul has one arm around Lisa as he eats with his other hand. PAUL (VO) Life is so weird. First Lisa has a big fight with my sister, and the next thing you know she's my girlfriend. Lisa turns around to look at TAMMY seated at another table directly behind them. She and Lisa lock eyes before they both turn around again. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD DAY Paul poses for a campaign photo in his football uniform. He freezes in position as though about to throw a pass. Lisa adjusts his position -- CLICK. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Since Lisa knew all about public relations and stuff, she offered to help me with my campaign. We made a great team! Tammy spies from underneath the bleachers INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Paul is on all fours as Lisa stands on his back to hang a poster with Paul's football picture reading: "Paul Metzier You Bet-zier!" PAUL (VO CONT'D) It seemed so natural, the two of us together. It was like destiny. Tammy watches from a nearby classroom door, her nose and cheek pressed against the window. EXT. LISA'S HOUSE DAY Paul's truck pulls up, and Paul and Lisa get out PAUL (VO CONT'D) That spring was perfect. My leg wasn't bugging me too much, and the weather was so nice. And every afternoon after school. Lisa and I would go to her house to fuck and have a swim. It was like we were in a world all our own. Tammy emerges from behind a tree. She's on her bike. Angry and fragile, she watches the couple enter Lisa's house. EXT. LISA'S BACKYARD DAY Tammy peeks OVER THE FENCE and sees -- LISA AND PAUL swimming. Paul dives off the board and resurfaces right into Lisa's arms. MOVE CLOSER TO TAMMY as she dies a thousand deaths. TAMMY (VO) I had to do something. I didn't know what, but I had to do something. FADE OUT INT. SHERRY NOVOTNY'S BACKYARD -- DAY A laughing BABY BOY is lowered into frame and pulled back up again. Then he swings across frame. It's little DARRYL NOVOTNY. WIDE - JIM has Darryl by the ankles and is swinging him between his legs. Diane and Sherry are setting the picnic table. Stacked charcoal briquettes burn off in a nearby barbecue. JIM (VO) Around that time Diane and I were hanging out a lot at Sherry Novotny's house, giving her our love and support and helping her make it through a difficult time. DIANE Jim, don't. You're scaring him. JIM He likes it. Darryl's laughter suddenly turns into CRYING DIANE Here. Give him to me. (as she takes Darryl) is little Darryl dizzy? That's it. . come here. . . SHERRY You got him? DIANE Yeah. Sherry heads into the house. JIM watches her walk, then turns toward Diane and Darryl. It's as though Diane, not Sherry, were the infant's real mother, so loving and attentive is she, so swelled with maternal piety. JIM (VO) Diane really wanted to have kids -- and so did I -- but it seemed like there was always a reason to wait: she had to finish nursing school, I had to get my masters, we needed a new house, we needed more money. Finally we just decided to go for it... INT. JIM'S BEDROOM NIGHT A DIGITAL THERMOMETER reads 99.3. Behind it Diane lies in bed reading a copy of Self. JIM (VO) ...but for over a year we hadn't had any luck. And Diane was getting desperate. INT. JIM'S HOME OFFICE NIGHT At his desk, JIM studies a High Society magazine. He is naked. JIM closes his eyes and bites his lip as though feeling something he wished not to leave him. He quickly replaces a stack of magazines in his desk and goes across the hall to -- INT. BEDROOM CONTINUOUS where 'Lisa''s car speeds away, growing smaller and smaller. We''re back at the BREAK-UP. CLOSE ON TAMMY''S FACE as she stares down the street, unable to move. It starts to rain. Tears roll down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. very French, very sad.' waits in bed. She puts aside her magazine and welcomes Papa Bear. Lisa pauses and looks up at Paul. closes the door behind him. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM LATER JIM and Diane copulate. Although ostensibly near climax, JIM seems to be struggling. Diane's exhortations, once forbidden and exciting, now seem routine. DIANE You gonna do it? You gonna do it? JIM Yeah, uh, just a minute DIANE Come on, doit. Doit. Fill me up. Come on, fill me up JIM Yeah, just -- DIANE Do it! JIM finally climaxes DIANE (CONT'D) Okay! With that JIM rolls off of her. Diane immediately hoists her knees to her chest. CLOSE ON JIM - on his side of the bed facing away from Diane. DIANE Could you hand me the remote? EXT. NOVOTNY BACKYARD AS BEFORE JIM is snapped out of his reverie by Sherry's voice SHERRY Say, Jim. Jim. JIM looks. Sherry is walking out the patio door holding a big bottle of wine with a corkscrew sticking out of it. SHERRY (CONT'D) Could you get this? I can't JIM Sure. JIM takes the bottle. CLOSE ON the neck as the cork emerges: POP! INT. NOVOTNY KITCHEN -- DAY Sherry stands at the base of a stepladder as JIM climbs up and points to a spot on the ceiling. JIM (VO) Without Dave around. Sherry needed a lot of help around the house. JIM Here? SHERRY (indicating) More this way. JIM Okay. Give me the drill. JIM looks down at Sherry as she hands it up. Her blouse reveals a bit more than it should, and JIM pauses to get an extra glimpse. THE POWER DRILL BIT penetrates the ceiling. EXT. HOVOTHY FRONT YARD -- DAY A shirtless JIM is MOWING the lawn on a hot day. He shuts it off as Sherry emerges from the house with lemonade. She wears culottes, a halter top, and flip-flops. JIM I'd always liked Sherry, but we'd never had a chance to spend any time alone together. How with Dave out of the picture, I began to see what an incredibly sensitive and giving person she was. JIM downs his glass in big thirsty gulps and hands her back the glass. He watches her walk back to the house. JIM (VO CONT'D) Plus she had finally dropped all that weight from her pregnancy, and really she looked great. THE RIPCORD of the lawnmower is pulled a couple of times until it starts. INT. YOUHKERS DEPARTMENT STORE -- DAY IN WOMEN'S ACCESSORIES - Sherry looks at herself in the mirror modeling a colorful floppy hat. She spins around for Jim's approval. JIM (VO) We got to be pretty good buddies. I even took her to the mall one time while her car was in the shop. JIM smiles and nods. She puts on another. Sherry is like a young girl on a date. She grabs Jim's hand and pulls him in another direction. AT THE MAKEUP COUNTER - Sherry spreads on lipstick. SHERRY What do you think? It's clear what JIM thinks. JIM You look great INT. JIM'S CAR -- DAY They're driving home. There are packages on Sherry's lap and in the backseat. SHERRY I can't afford this stuff right now. JIM Oh, come on. You've had a hard year, you're cooped up with the kid all the time. Let go; live a little. SHERRY You sure? They come to a stop at a red light. Out one window JIM spots a MOTEL. JIM So what do you think? Should we get a room? SHERRY Should we get a what? JIM points at the motel. SHERRY (CONT'D) Oh. Her smile fades, and she stares straight ahead. There's an icy, uncomfortable silence. SHERRY (CONT'D) (stiffly) That's not funny. The light changes. JIM swallows, accelerates INT. JIM'S KITCHEN DAY JIM walks in through the backdoor. Diane is loading the dishwasher. They peck-kiss. DIANE How'd it go? JIM Fine. You know. We just went to Crossroads. DIANE You guys have fun? JIM picks an apple out of a bowl. JIM (between bites) Yeah. No. I mean, you know. DIANE What? JIM Well, Sherry's great. But she can be a little much sometimes. INT. MCALLISTER BEDROOM NIGHT Diane lies face-down, and JIM is on top of her. JIM makes spirited love with her. DIANE Oh, Jim! Oh, God! SHERRY'S HEAD, like a cut-out from a tabloid cover, floats in from off-screen and lands on the back of Diane's head. At the right moment, her face COMES TO LIFE and vaguely mouths the words that Diane is saying, like a badly-dubbed movie. DIANE/SHERRY Oh, God. Just like that. Oh yes. Fill me up... Jim's wicked desire increases with each movement Now TRACY FLICK'S FACE floats over and replaces Sherry's. Tracy mouths Diane's words. DIANE/TRACY Do it, Jim. Fuck me. JIM is at once in deep-space ecstasy and surprised at himself. Diane's voice now changes: it's Tracy's VOICE. TRACY (OS) Fuck me, Mr. McAllister FADE OUT UNDER BLACK JIM (VO) So like I was saying, things were going pretty well in my life. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY It's passing period, and hundreds of students clog the halls JIM (VO) ... that is, until things started going all haywire with that damn election. A distant DING-DING grows louder and louder. Everyone turns toward the source, far down the hall, and eventually TAMMY emerges wearing a makeshift SANDWICH BOARD that reads "Tammy Metzier For President." Smiling a perverse smile, she rings a hand bell. Salvation Army style. Paul is at his locker and watches Tammy go by. PAUL Tammy? Tammy, what are you doing? Tammy ignores her brother and keeps walking directly toward us, finally INTO CAMERA. INT. MILLARD TEACHERS' OFFICES -- DAY Tracy sits opposite Mr. McAllister. TRACY You're the advisor. You should stop her. She's not qualified. She's just a sophomore. JIM Calm down, Tracy. Just calm down. TRACY Are you sure all her signatures are real? It's not easy to get all those signatures. JIM As far as I know, they-- Suddenly LISA AND PAUL are sitting where Tracy was. PAUL We can't both run, can we? We're brother and sister. Can we? LISA It's a conflict of interest. And Paul was first. JIM Anyone who gets signatures in on time can run. And she got in just under the wire. Nothing I can do. Now TRACY replaces Lisa and Paul TRACY Let me see them. Let me see them Sighing, JIM fishes in his drawer and hands Tracy some sheets TRACY These are a bunch of burn-outs. And look at this one, I can't even read this one. JIM (taking the sheet) Looks like Tim Kobza. LISA AND PAUL again LISA She's doing this to get back at me PAUL For what? LISA I mean at you. PAUL For what? LISA I don't know. You're her brother you should know. TRACY returns. TRACY Tim Kobza? Tim Kobza! Who's he? I've never heard of him! JIM Look, why don't we just forget about Tammy? We'll have the assembly tomorrow, everybody'll make their speeches, and I'm sure everything will be fine. INT. MILLARD GYMNASIUM DAY The entire student body is assembled on the bleachers. There is a palpable mood of boredom and apathy. JERRY SLAVIN, a handicapped kid in a wheelchair, is at the microphone. His head lists to one side, and he takes long breaths as he speaks. JERRY I love Millard High, and I will be a dedicated vice President. A vote for Jerry Slavin is a vote for good government. And even if I can't really stand up for you, I will. (cracks himself up) Thank you. Jerry motors away amid scattered applause and coughs. JIM steps forward, clapping, and raises the mike. JIM Thank you, Jerry, and good luck. Again, Jerry is running unopposed for Vice President. So we'll move on now to the presidential race with three candidates running. The first in alphabetical order is Tracy Flick. Tracy steps forward with a small stack of index cards. During her speech she flips the cards over one by one but rarely looks at them. TRACY Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better." With this election, we here at Millard also have an opportunity to make our high school days better. During this campaign I have had the opportunity to speak with many of you about your concerns. I spoke with freshman Eliza Ramirez, who told me how alienated she feels from her own homeroom. I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks, who said his mother works in a cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes. I won't bore you with long- winded promises about all the new and innovative things I will definitely achieve during the year in which it will be my honor and privilege to represent each and every one of you, but I can say that my years of experience on the student council have taught me the three most important attributes the president needs to possess; commitment - DOUG SCHENKEN Eat me DOUG'S BUDDY Eat me raw! There is scattered laughter. Tracy pauses, wait Hendricks bounds up and grabs the mike. WALT If you can't be adults and give these candidates the courtesy they deserve, then you don't deserve to be called adults but children* Because that's what children are. And you'll be treated like children. So let's all listen up. Walt backs away to his seat. Tracy resumes TRACY The three most important attributes the president needs to possess are: commitment, qualifications, and experience. I'll add one more; caring. I care about Millard, and I care about each and every one of you, and together we can all make a difference. One of the things I would like to establish is a regular open forum where any student can come and voice their concern about issues we face here at Millard. I and the rest of the student council would then interface with the faculty and staff, so a continuous dialogue would exist. Walt whispers to Jim. WALT I'd say she knows a thing or two about student-faculty dialogue. JIM nods solemnly TRACY When you cast your vote for Tracy Flick next week, you won't just be voting for me. You'll be voting for yourself and for every other student Our days won't be any longer, but they can sure be better. Thank you. Tracy smiles and walks back to her folding chair. There is polite applause and a few whistles. JJJB comes back to the microphone. Tracy takes her seat next to Paul and glances at him. Paul scares straight ahead, a fat bead of sweat on his forehead. One of his legs is jiggling. JIM The next candidate for student body president is Paul Metzier. Paul? Paul awkwardly makes his way to the mike. Though by no means thunderous, his applause clearly exceeds Tracy's. A small cluster of jocks "woof" for him, shaking their fists in the air. Paul manages a weak grin for his buddies. Tracy shifts in her chair, her smile stiff and forced Lisa smiles and nods at Paul from the bleachers, giving him encouragement and a silent reminder to remember what they talked about. Tammy's eyes dart between Lisa and Paul. She shows no emotion, reveals nothing. The applause quickly dies, and after a moment Paul remembers to look at the white paper in his hand. He speaks in a barely audible monotone, never once glancing up. PAUL As many of you know I broke my leg pretty bad thi3 year and the experience has made me reevaluate what I want to do with my life and that is help people when you think about it a school is more than a school it's our second home where we spend all cur time and grow as individuals and a community but is our school everything it could be I want our school to reach its true potential that is why I am running for president. JIM pinches the bridge of his nose, clearly pained A few loud SOUND EFFECT SNORES saw through the air, and Walt points a stern finger at - you guessed it -- Doug Schenken. PAUL I know what it is to fight hard and win like when we almost went to state last fall and I threw that fourth-quarter pass against Westside for the touchdown that won the game by three points I won't let you down like I didn't then I promise we can all score a winning (big breath) touchdown together. Vote Paul Metzier for president thank you. Paul now gets considerably less applause, but his jock friends remain loyal. JIM Okay, Paul. Now our final candidate for President - another one of the Metzier clan -- sophomore Tammy Metzier. Tammy approaches the mike. There are scattered mocking whistles and catcalls. Tammy calmly looks over the crowd, waiting for the jeers to subside. She makes eye contact with Lisa, who stares back. WALT People. People I The room quiets down. Tammy puts her lips close to the mike, TAMMY Who cares about this stupid election? NOW there's something worth listening to. TAMMY (CONT'D) We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected president of Millard. You think it's going to change anything around here, make one single person happier or smarter or nicer? The only person it matters to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don't even want to go to college, and I don't care, and as president I won't do anything. The only promise I make is that if elected I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again! There is a sudden huge cathartic eruption of cheers and applause. Tammy has set them free. Even cynical old Doug Schenken and his buddies join in. STUDENTS Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! In total control, she steps back from the mike and CURTSIES. Walt shoots an angry, confused look at Jim, who shrugs. Tracy is clearly upset, but her smile remains eerily fixed Paul just looks confused and ashamed. Jerry Slavin is convulsed in laughter and chants along with the multitude. Tammy quickly grabs the mike for one final exhortation. TAMMY 0h don't vote for me I Who cares? Don't vote at all! The students go nuts. INT. WALT HENDRICK'S OFFICE DAY Dr. Hendricks is in a serious post-assembly discussion with JIM and VICE-PRINCIPAL RON BELL. WALT That little bitch made a fool of us I want her out of the election. Getting everybody all riled up like that. She's finished, you hear me? Washed up. JIM Walt, we can't throw her out of the election just because we don't like her speech. That's not what student government's about. WALT (grumbling) Yeah... whatever. All I know is she's a troublemaker. She's on my list. RON All we need to do is send a message, so maybe we should just suspend her. WALT Right. That's it. She's suspended for a week! To emphasize his point, Walt throws his STYROFOAM CUP at the wastepaper basket and misses. Lowell the janitor, passing by outside the door, notices the cup bouncing on the floor. JIM I think that's a little strong Walt. Ron? RON We don't want to make a martyr out of her. Three days sounds right to me. WALT Okay. Three days. Take care of it. EXT. STREETS DAY Tammy rides her bike on this crisp sunny spring day. The music is buoyant. Tammy is all smiles. TAMMY (VO) Being suspended is like getting a paid vacation. Too bad it was only three days EXT. 7-11 DAY Tammy is hanging out by the entrance. A DUDE emerges from the store carrying a 12-pack of beer. En route to his car, he throws Tammy a pack of CIGARETTES. DUDE Here you go. Tammy looks at the pack TAMMY Hey -- I said lights I EXT. SACRED HEART ACADEMY -- DAY A cigarette hanging out of her mouth, Tammy rides by the front of this Catholic girls' school. NOW AT THE ATHLETIC FIELD - Tammy gets off her bike, goes to look through the surrounding fence at GIRLS PLAYING LACROSSE in their cleats, short skirts, jerseys. LITURGICAL MUSIC accompanies SLOW-MOTION close-ups of the girls in action. Tammy seems to breathe them in INT. TAMMY'S ROOM -- DAY Wearing headphones. Tammy DANCES to music only she can hear. She happens to glance toward her door and notices a MANILA ENVELOPE sliding under it. She opens the door and finds a startled Paul. TAMMY What do you want? PAUL Oh. Hi, Tammy. I was just, you know, I went to all your teachers and got your assignments. Tammy looks at him, picks up the packet. PAUL (CONT'D) I just thought, well, last time you got suspended you fell so behind and - TAMMY Okay, Paul. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Paul smiles at the acknowledgment of his good deed. TAMMY (CONT'D) Now could you leave me alone? PAUL Yeah. Oh, one more thing. Tammy. You know, all this election stuff. 'Cause, you know, everyone is saying it's so weird that you're running against me, and, well, it is kind of weird, and you haven't really told me why you're doing it and didn't tell me in advance or anything. But that's okay, you know. l respect your privacy. I just want you to know that no matter who wins, if it's you or me, there's no hard feelings. We're still brother and sister. Okay? Cause... and I hope you feel the same. TAMMY Sure, Paul. No hard feelings. PAUL Okay. Great. I feel good. Paul is about to leave again but PAUL Oh. Oh. Yeah. Right. One other thing. Since you know Lisa so well, could you give me some advice? I want to get her something for helping me with the election. You know, something really special -- like flowers or candy or flowers and candy. Or is that too typical? I mean, can you think of something? Something really special? You know, something she'd really like? Tammy looks as though she'd like to push the button on all the world's atomic bombs. EXT. TRACY'S DRIVEWAY DAY CLOSE ON A GIANT OUTLINED "0" -- drawn on white paper. A hand enters frame with a brush and begins to fill in the outline with blue tempera-paint. Camera RISES to reveal the "0" as part of a giant banner. Tracy is working on some letters, while ERIC OVERHOLDT is working on others. TRACY (VO) What happened at the speeches was an unconscienceable travesty. That little bitch Tammy Metzier wanted to make a fool out of me. Well, it wasn't going to work. People do care who wins. Things do matter. Finally, we're high enough to read: WHO CARES? I DO: VOTE TRACY! TRACY Eric, the "r" is supposed to be green, not blue. ERIC Oh. Okay. Eric carefully paints over his mistake, then works up some courage. ERIC (CONT'D) So, Tracy, I was wondering if after we finish with these you'd like to go to a movie or something. TRACY That's okay. I'm too busy. Ouch. INT. MILLARD YEARBOOK OFFICE -- NIGHT A haggard Tracy sits alone at a computer monitor TRACY (VO CONT'D) People are so ungrateful. If all those students who cheered for Tammy Metzier only knew how hard I worked for Millard. Like all the late nights I spent at the yearbook office just to give them their memories. THE MONITOR displays a DIGITIZED PHOTO of the Millard yearbook staff. DAVE NOVOTNY peers proudly from behind two of the taller students. A CURSOR in the shape of tiny SCISSORS makes a small circle around Dave's face. Suddenly, the cursor turns into a tiny HAND and drags Dave's dislodged head into the TRASH. Tracy concentrates as she deftly controls the mouse. TRACY (VO CONT'D) One of my duties was to clean up the group photos. It was a cinch with our new software. THE COMPUTER MONITOR AGAIN -- as Tracy outlines a piece of the WALL and places it in the void where Dave used to be, blurring the edges for a perfect effect, voila! Satisfied, Tracy taps on the keyboard. TRACY (under her breath) Let's see... "save" is Command "S." Okay. INT. MILLARD HIGH HALLWAY -- NIGHT Tracy is heading down the hall toward the exit when she rounds a corner and, suddenly deeply troubled, sees that HER NEW "WHO CARES?" BANNER has come loose on an upper corner and is drooping. Tracy puts down her things and JUMPS up to slap the corner back into place. Satisfied, she turns away. But then - SHOOP! The banner fights back, peeling even further from the wall. Tracy prepares for battle. INT. YEARBOOK OFFICE NIGHT Tracy enters and grabs a long aluminum STRAIGHT-EDGE. INT. HALLWAY NIGHT Standing on an overturned GARBAGE CAN and wielding the straight-edge, Tracy tries to smooth the banner. But she's not holding the ruler flat against the wall and -- RIP! -- she slices the banner lengthwise. Now the plastic garbage can begins to buckle. Struggling to retain her balance, Tracy accidentally hooks the banner and as she TUMBLES yanks the whole thing down. Overcome with anger and frustration, she thrashes around on the ground and TEARS UP what remains of her banner. PAUL METZLER smiles down at Tracy from his poster across the hall. Tracy looks up at it. Instantly she is on her feet, lunging for the poster. She jumps up, TEARS it down, and RIPS Paul's head into pieces. Blood issues from a thin paper cut on one hand. Tracy regards it at first without comprehending, then raises it to her mouth. While sucking her wound, her gaze falls on -- ANOTHER SMILING PAUL mocking her pain. ANGLE FROM WAY DOWN THE HALL Hurricane Tracy begins a savage assault on the fragile coast of Millard High. Paul's campaign posters fill the air, shredded to pieces by the powerful winds of jealousy and rage. TIME DISSOLVE -- to Tracy even farther down the hall, still jumping, still ripping. TRACK FROM OVERHEAD - THE HALLWAY FLOOR - where a thousand bits of Paul lie scattered -- a grinning mouth here, an eye there. TILT UP finally to Tracy, sweating, panting. She finishes ripping a poster and looks to find another. But there are no more Paul posters: she has destroyed them all. Tracy raises her hands and sees they are streaked with Blood. INT. GIRLS ' BATHROOM NIGHT Tracy is at the sink, washing away the blood. She pats her hands dry with paper towels. The gravity of what she's done now sinks in, and she panics. TRACY I didn't do this. I didn't do it. She lifts the top off a garbage can, removes the PLASTIC LINER. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY NIGHT With frantic haste, Tracy stuffs the evidence of her awful deed into the garbage bag. EXT. BACK OF HILLARD HIGH -- MIGHT Tracy's face is half-obscured by the bulging bag she carries down the sidewalk. EXT. HILLARD PARKIMC LOT - MIGHT Tracy opens her TRUNK and heaves the garbage bag inside slamming the trunk, she looks around - no one. INT. TRACY'S CAR NIGHT Tracy drives, sucking on a wounded hand. She glances frequently in the rear-view mirror. EXT. STREET MIGHT Tracy's car drives down a REMOTE ROAD. There are no sidewalks here, and the surroundings consist of scrubby vegetation and industrial structures. In the background looms a POWER PLANT. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS We now sense that Tracy has a plan. She throws the car into reverse, backs up and turns onto - EXT. A SMALL ACCESS ROAD -- CONTINUOUS Tracy stop the car near an EMBANKMENT. She gets out and pulls the garbage bag from the trunk. With a big shove Tracy sends the bag cartwheeling down the hill Breathing hard but clearly relieved, Tracy watches the evidence of her deed tumble into obscurity. NOW THROUGH BINOCULARS Tracy's shadowy figure runs back to the car. EXT. HILL ABOVE POWER PLANT NIGHT Tammy momentarily drops her BINOCULARS before raising them again. THROUGH THE BINOCULARS - Tracy's car speeds away. Tammy drops her binoculars and mounts her bike EXT. EMBANKMENT -- NIGHT Tammy skids to a stop, drops her bike, and heads down the embankment. CLOSE ON THE HEFTY BAG as Tammy draws near. She pauses at first, but intrepid curiosity conquers her fear. She unties the knot. FROM INSIDE THE BAG we see Tammy's sudden look of HORROR PAUL'S MANGLED FACE smiles up at her. Tammy raises it toward camera INT. NOVOTWY BATHROOM -- MORNING CLOSE ON A DRAIN as a hand extracts a huge WAD OF HAIR -- stringy, mucousy. fetid. JIM holds it up for Sherry, who stands behind him in her bathrobe. JIM There's your culprit He examines it from different angles. Both scrunch their faces JIM (CONT'D) Shall we give it a name? SHERRY (not missing a beat) Dave. CLOSE ON AN OPEN TOILET - Plop! The hairwad joins several smaller stringy friends. NOW AT THE SINK JIM washes his hands. Sherry glances between JIM and the water running in the shower. It's getting steamy. SHERRY Did you know Dave's a bed wetter? JIM No, I... uh, didn't know that SHERRY All his life. He's tried everything. JIM (about the shower) Still clear? SHERRY Yep. JIM We'll let it run awhile JIM turns off the faucet and reaches for a towel. Sherry offers him another. SHERRY This one's clean. JIM takes it and dries his hands. Sherry now stands very close to him. JIM sets the towel on the sink. It's a little awkward as they look into each other's eyes, standing so near. SHERRY (CONT'D) I guess you'd better get to work huh? You're going to be late. She slowly wraps her arms around Jim's neck and pulls him to her, a hug of gratitude and warmth -- nothing sexual here, just the embrace of two people in need of shelter from the storm of life. No, nothing sexual at all. SHERRY (CONT'D) Thank you, Jim. Now sherry begins to cry a little, and things begin to change -- hands wander, cheek brushes cheek. Finally lips meet, tenderly at first. And then it is a deluge. INT. NOVOTNY LIVING ROOM DAY JIM and Sherry stumble in from the hallway locked in an embrace. They rove around the room, barely able to keep their balance. Finally, they fall to the ground. CLOSE ON LITTLE DARRYL -- playing with his foot in the CRIB. Through the bars behind him we can discern the murky shape of Sherry and JIM rutting and grunting like wild boars. EXT. NOVOTNY DRIVEWAY DAY JIM starts his car. Sherry leans into his window. She looks around the neighborhood before kissing him firmly on the mouth. SHERRY Hey Yeah? SHERRY Take me to that motel. Like you wanted. JIM Right now? SHERRY Easy, tiger. Come by after school. I'll leave Darryl with the sitter. JIM Three twenty-five. SHERRY Three twenty-five. EXT. HILLSIDE ROAD -- DAY VROOM! JIM roars past us in his new RED FERRARI CONVERTIBLE EXT. ITALIAM RIVIERA (REAR PROJECTIOH) CONTINUOUS JIM wears a BLACK SUIT and hip HRAPAROUND SUNGLASSES as he drives. He lights a cigarette. Behind him is a cheesy dated REAR PROJECTION Of a curvy MOUNTAIN ROAD. Next Stop: portofino! JIM (VO) What had blossomed between Sherry and me was too real, too powerful to deny. For the first time in years, I felt free and alive! EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT DAY JIM'S Ferrari heads up the driveway and into his assigned space He opens the Ferrari door. JIM'S FOOT touches the pavement - not a shiny Salvatore Ferragamo loafer but a worn out Dexter. WIDE - JIM is back in his own clothes, and his car has reverted to a Ford Escort in need of a wash. He heads toward the school. INT. HILLARD LIBRARY -- DAY JIM enters the library, walks among the stacks. JIM (VO CONT'D) So as you can imagine, my thoughts weren't on the election that Monday morning. JIM takes a BOOK from the shelf JIM (VO CONT'D) My thoughts were only on Sherry, on how perfect she felt inside. There was a special poem I wanted to read to her later, at the motel, as she lay next to me. Jim flips through the book and finds the poem he seeks. His lips move silently. JIM'S VOICE (VO CONT'D) Close, close the lovers keep. They stay together in their sleep. Close as two pages in a book That read each other in the dark.. Suddenly -- a grating VOICE from the loudspeakers. VOICE (OS) Mr. McAllister to the Principal's Office. Mr. McAllister to the Principal's office. JIM smacks the book closed INT. WALT ' S OFFICE - DAY LISA FLAMAGAN - her face streaked with tears from outrage and confusion. LISA It's not fair. It's not fair Paul sits next to Lisa on the vinyl sofa. He wants to console her, but he doesn't know how. PAUL I just don't think anybody would do something like that on purpose. It must have been some kind of mistake. Like a maintenance thing. JIM enters. WALT Jim, where the hell have you been? JIM Nowhere. I don't have class until second period. WALT Even tried you at home. We've got a situation here. LISA If Paul loses tomorrow, it's not fair. There has to be another election, with posters. JIM What's the problem? LISA Didn't you see? WALT Somebody tore down their posters. LISA Those posters cost a lot of money we don't have I There's no time to make any more posters, there's no -- WALT We'll get to the bottom of it. PAUL (to Lisa) We still have some extra ones, don't we? Maybe we can just -- LISA It was Tammy I That's who it was. PAUL Oh, no, hey. Like I said. Tammy wouldn't... she... WALT Well, that speech she gave -- it was pretty, you know, pretty out there. But we'll get to the bottom of it. Don't you worry. Mr. McAllister is going to see to that. Right, Jim? JIM (his thoughts elsewhere) Oh yeah, you bet. LISA She should be expelled. Or worse! WALT You two just go back and focus on your studies. Mr. McAllister's going to handle this. INT. CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM DAY A BUNSEN BURNER -- as a VIAL containing blue liquid is held to the flame. The solution magically changes from blue to yellow. Wearing goggles, Tracy holds the beaker with chemist's tongs Her two LAB PARTNERS observe. The classroom door and a STUDENT approaches the teacher, MR. BECKMAN, to deliver a note. MR. BECKMAN Tracy? Tracy looks up through her goggles. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY LONG TRACKING SHOT . - of Tracy as she leaves the classroom. AS she walks through the .desolate halls and descends a flight of stairs, she holds her head high, suggesting a serene, almost regal confidence. TRACY (VO) When I arrived at school that morning, I was shocked to find that one of my key banners had been removed by vandals. I noticed that a few of my rival's posters had also been tampered with. Of course, I was outraged, but one day before the election is not the time to lose your head over a couple of posters. When you're in the public eye, attacks like that just come with the territory. Finally she reaches the INT. SCHOOL OFFICE DAY Upon seeing Tracy, MISS LINDA BEEDER, the "They 're-all-my-kids office administrator, points wordlessly to an open door of a conference room. JIM is inside. JIM Tracy. Come on in. And shut the door behind you. She goes in and closes the door in our face. INT. LITTLE CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY Tracy is seated in a chair. JIM hovers above her, alternately leaning on a desk and pacing. JIM I guess you know why you're here TRACY If it's about the posters, I think it's so awful. It's a travesty. JIM A travesty. Huh. That's interesting, because I think you did it. TRACY Wait - are you accusing me? You're not serious. (indignant) I can't... Mr. McAllister, we have worked together on SGA for three solid years and... I mean, I can't believe it. I'm... I'm shocked! JIM stares at her. TRACY (CONT'D) Mr. M., I am running on my qualifications. I would never need to resort to, you know, to vandalism like a, you know... Plus, my own best banner was torn down. Did I do that too? JIM Were you or were you not working in the Watchdog office over the weekend? TRACY I was. So? Mr. Pecharda let me in. As you know, with all my responsibilities I often come in on the weekend and have permission to do so. But I left very early, around 6:30. JIM 6:30. How do you know what time the posters were torn down? TRACY I don't. I just know they were there when I left. I'm giving you helpful information is all. You know, instead of wasting time interrogating me, we should be out there trying to find out who did this. JIM Okay, Tracy, so who do you think did it? Whom should we "interrogate?" TRACY well, I don't know. It could have been anybody. There are a lot of, you know, subversive elements around Millard. You know, like Rick Thieson and Kevin Speck and those burn-outs. Or Doug Schenken - what about him? Or what about Tammy Metzier? Her whole thing is being anti- this and anti-that. JIM shifts gears JIM You're a very intelligent girl, Tracy. You have many admirable qualities. But someday maybe you'll learn that being smart and always being on top and doing whatever you need to do to get ahead, and yes, stepping on people to get there, well, there's a lot more to life than that. And in the end, you're only cheating yourself. TRACY Why are you lecturing me? JIM This isn't the time or the place to get into it, but there is, for just one example, a certain former colleague of mine, who made a very big mistake, a life mistake. I think the lesson there is that, old and young, we ail make mistakes, and we have to learn that our actions, all of them, can carry serious consequences. You're very young, Tracy underage, in fact -- but maybe one day you'll understand. TRACY I don't know what you're referring to, but I do know that if certain older and wiser people hadn't acted like such little babies and gotten all mushy, everything would be okay. JIM I agree. But I also think certain young and naive people need to thank their lucky stars and be very, very grateful the whole school didn't find out about certain indiscretions which could have ruined their reputations, and chances to win certain elections. TRACY And I think certain older persons like you and your "colleague" shouldn't be leaching after their students, especially when some of them can't even get their own wives pregnant. And they certainly shouldn't be running around making slanderous accusations. Especially when certain young, naive people's mothers are para-legal secretaries at the city's biggest law firm and have won many successful lawsuits. And if you want to keep questioning me like this, I won't continue without my attorney present. JIM draws a long breath as he tries to control himself JIM Okay, Tracy. Have it your way. There's a KNOCK. JIM and Tracy turn to see TAMMY METZLER timidly poking her head in. TAMMY You wanted to see me, Mr. M.? JIM Just wait outside. Tammy. TAMMY Okay. But is this about the posters? JIM Possibly. Please just wait outside. TAMMY Okay. (looking at Tracy) Because I know who did it. So.. I'll just be outside. Tammy manages to squeeze in a naughty little smile before closing the door. INT. OUTER OFFICE DAY Tammy sits patiently in a chair, bobbing to an unheard song. The door opens, and Tracy emerges. JIM Tracy, don't go away. Come in, Tammy. As Tammy and Tracy cross, Tracy speaks in a low voice but loud enough for JIM to hear. TRACY This ought to be good INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY Tammy sits facing Jim, cradling her backpack. JIM So... what do you have to tell me? TAMMY Well, this is hard for me, but I think it's important to be honest. Don't you? JIM (impatient) What is it. Tammy? TAMMY I'm the one. I did it. I tore down Paul's posters. JIM Looks at her skeptically doesn't say a word. TAMMY (CONT'D) I did it. JIM And when did you do it? TAMMY This weekend. JIM Exactly when? TAMMY I don't know. Yesterday. Sunday. JIM And how did you get in the school? TAMMY Door was open. JIM Which door? TAMMY I don't know. All I know is I did it I JIM I don't believe you. TAMMY I have proof. She burrows in her backpack. INT. OUTER OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS Tracy stands up from her seat and manages to PEEK THROUGH THE WINDOW of the conference room. She sees -- pulling out a handful of POSTER SHREDS from her backpack and handing them to Jim. Tracy turns away and covers her mouth with one hand. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM CONTINUOUS THE POSTER FRAGMENTS in Jim's hands. TILT UP to Tammy really hamming it up. TAMMY You don't know what it's like to grow up in the shadow of an older brother like Paul. it's always Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Never Tammy. I'm only Paul's little sister. You must be Paul's little sister. He's so perfect, and I'm so troubled. I hate him! I hate him! And I tore down his posters, It was a horrible, cowardly act, but I did it,.. I did it... l did it... And I'm not sorry... JIM watches her performance until he can't take it anymore he's got other fish to fry. JIM Final I don't know what your problem is, but if that's the way you want it, that's the way it'll be. I don't have time. You're out of the election, and I'm turning you over to Dr. Hendricks. He throws the door open. JIM (CONT'D) Tracy? INT. OUTER OFFICE CONTINUOUS Tracy is frightened but still plays the indignant victim. TRACY Yes? JIM Looks like today's your lucky day What does he mean? TRACY What do you mean? JIM You're off the hook. Tammy here has confessed. It takes Tracy a second to figure out how to react. But once she's got it, she runs with it. TRACY I told you! I told you! (pointing at Tammy) You're going to pay for my banner! JIM That's enough, Tracy. Quit while you're ahead, okay? I'll handle this. (to Hiss Seeder) Could you ask Walt to come in? STAFFROOM DAY JIM is feverishly TYPING. JIM (VO) The rest of the day was unbearable. I kept smelling Sherry on my clothes and on my fingers and I just couldn't wait to get out of there. He yanks the paper out of the carriage and hurries away. INT. XEROX ROOM -- DAY A PHOTOCOPY COLLATOR in operation. JIM pulls sheets out and stacks them. JIM (VO CONT'D) I wanted everything to be perfect that afternoon, so I decided to give myself a little time to prepare during eighth period. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY Students are settling into their seats. JIM breezes in, a sheaf of papers fucked under his arm. JIM Pop quiz, everybody The class groans. JIM (CONT'D) No whining. If you've done your reading, this is an easy one. JIM peels off a stack of papers for each row JIM (VO) I'd have exactly forty-eight minutes to make all the arrangements. JIM glances at the clock: 2:08 JIM If you finish early, just sit quietly and check your work. I'll be right back. POOF -- he's gone I EXT. MILLARD HIGH DAY TRACK WITH JIM as he SPRINTS toward the parking lot, fumbling for his keys. EXT. WALGREEN'S -- DAY JIM exits with a bouquet of flowers and a plastic bag. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL -- DAY Jim's car speeds into the driveway and parks INT. SAFARI MOTEL ROOM -- DAY JIM opens the door, sets his things down, and gets to work. THE SINK -- JIM dumps a bucketful of ICE and wedges in a bottle of cheap CHAMPAGNE. THE BEDSIDE TABLE - JIM props up his flowers in the ice bucket and puts a small box of Russell Stover's CANDY next to it. He unwraps the motel's plastic cups and places them just so. Perfect. JIM'S BOOK OF POETRY -- open to that special poem. He marks it with a carnation. UNDER THE BED -- Jim's face appears as he kneels down and slides the book into place, ready for that perfect moment. THE BATHROOM - Where JIM is NAKED now, squatting in the bathtub, frantically washing his undercarriage. He checks his watch. EXT: SAFARI MOTEL ROOM DAY JIM shuts the door and with jaunty confidence slips the key into his pocket. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL DAY Jim's car speeds toward the street. EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT -- DAY JIM gets out of his car and races back toward the school. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY JIM skids around a corner. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM DAY With feigned coolness, he saunters into class just as the BELL RINGS. JIM Okay, everybody, pass them forward. Stephanie, put down your pen. The class begins to rise. JIM (CONT'D) I'll see you all on Wednesday. And don't forget to vote tomorrow. FROM BEHIND - Jim's back has a large vulva-shaped patch of SWEAT EXT. MILLARD HIGH PARKING LOT -- DAY JIM hurries back to his car, weaving his way through students EXT. SHERRY'S HOUSE -- DAY JIM pulls to a stop in Sherry's driveway. INT. JIM'S CAR JIM checks his watch: 3:24 turns into 3:25 Bingo EXT. SHERRY ' S HOUSE DAY JIM'S FINGER on the doorbell. DING-DONG. JIM waits, rings again. Ho answer. He knocks. No one. He tries the door. Locked. Maybe she's out back. He walks around the house to -- EXT. SHERRY'S BACKYARD CONTINUOUS It's a lovely little backyard. Springtime flowers bloom. Bees buzz among the peonies. JIM opens the gate, approaches the back door, and knocks. JIM Sherry I He rears back and aims his yell toward the second floor. JIM (CONT'D) Sherry I It's Jim! No response. He tries the door. It's locked. JIM cranes his neck for a last look at the house. As he starts to leave, he calls out one final time, not really expecting a response. JIM Sherry Suddenly A WASP STINGS him above his right EYE JIM (CONT'D) Oww! Fuck! Jesus fuck! Cursing and holding his head, JIM stumbles out the gate INT. SAFARI MOTEL LOBBY - DAY Through the glass windows, we see Jim's car pull into the lot and park. JIM enters the lobby. His eye is puffy and red. A MOTEL EMPLOYEE watches TV behind the counter JIM By any chance, has a woman shown up in the last half-hour or so? Maybe she was looking for me. EMPLOYEE Nobody's come in here looking for anybody. Just you. JIM Are you sure? EMPLOYEE (indicating Jim's eye) You okay? INT. SAFARI MOTEL ROOM DAY THE TELEPHONE - as JIM punches in Sherry's number. JIM holds the phone against his ear and the champagne bottle against his eye. JIM Sherry, it's me. Are you there? Pick up. Okay, it's 4:32. I came by at 3:25 like we said and waited, but you weren't there. Anyway, I hope you're okay -- I'm worried about you. So now I'm just at the... at the place we talked about. Suite 219. So I'm here. Everything's all set. You can just come over. Can't wait. Okay. Bye. EXT. SAFARI MOTEL DAY TIME LAPSE - as the sky darkens, the motel's NEON SIGN turns on. JIM now descends the motel stairway carrying his Walgreen's sack. He puts the key into the drop box and gets in his car. INT. METZLER KITCHEN -- NIGHT Dick Metzier and his wife JO are at the breakfast table Tammy sits across from them, her eyes lowered. DICK METZIER I don't get it. What you have against your mother and me, against your brother Paul, is completely beyond me. And your mother is extremely upset, she's at the end of her rope. Your behavior gets crazier and crazier and wilder and wilder, and who knows what the hell else you're doing out there that we don't even know about? TAMMY Dad, I DICK (jabbing his finger) Don't you smartass me! Don't you dare smartass me! You just shut your mouth I (taking a breath) Now your mother and I have had a long talk with Halt Hendricks --- we just got off the phone with him at home. You know, he doesn't want you back at Millard. He's fed up with you. Fed up! And I don't blame him! JO Dick... Dick,.. DICK What? JO (calmly) Tammy, now we've come to a decision. He just think it would be best -- DICK You're going to Catholic school next year. You're going to Sacred Heart. Maybe they'll straighten you out! ANGLE FROM UNDER THE TABLE - Her head low. Tammy SMILES to herself EXT. JIM'S HOUSE NIGHT JIM'S car pulls into the driveway. INT. JIM AND DIANE'S KITCHEN NIGHT JIM enters the back door and sets his satchel down in the usual place. He opens the refrigerator, grabs a beer. As he closes the door, something catches his eye. He reaches inside and throws a plastic container away. Rooting around noisily, he finds other things to dispose of. Suddenly -- A BABY CRY stops him cold. JIM stiffens, his good eye widening as the horrible truth sinks in. He carefully closes the refrigerator and tiptoes toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Jim's face slowly appears around the corner, bad eye first. Finally, he's able to see -- SHERRY AND DIANE together on the living room sofa, staring at him. Their eyes are red from crying. Little Darryl squirms in Sherry's lap. Caught, JIM emerges from his hiding place. No one speaks. Finally, he looks down, sucks in air, blows it out again, nods a little. JIM (very softly) Okay He turns to leave, and nobody stops him. EXT. JIM'S HOME -- NIGHT JIM wanders out the front door and stands in his driveway, bewildered and alone. The camera slowly CRANES UP, eventually looking down on him from a great height. JIM (VO) As I walked out of my home that evening, unsure if I'd ever return, my entire life in question, I somehow discovered within myself a place of perfect peace. Oddly, in my solitude I felt more than ever a sense of communion with every human being - past, present and future. Because no matter what we tell ourselves, no matter what illusions of friendship and family we create, each of us is always and forever profoundly alone. INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM NIGHT FROM OVERHEAD - Tracy slides out of her bed and kneels beside it TRACY Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with You and ask for things, but now I really must insist that You help me win the election tomorrow, because I deserve it and Paul Metzier doesn't, as You well know. l realize that it was Your divine hand that disqualified Tammy, and now I'm asking that You go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong, so that I may carry out Your will on Earth as it is in Heaven. If elected I promise that I will pray more often. Okay? Amen. EXT. TAMMY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT FROM OVERHEAD -- Tammy wears a white t-shirt and underwear and kneels at her bedside. TAMMY (VO) Dear God, I know I don't believe in you, but since I'll be starting Catholic school soon, I thought I should practice. Let's see... what do I want? I want people to be nicer to each other. I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she has been and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants... and someday I want to be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy INT. PAUL'S BEDROOM FROM OVERHEAD -- Paul lies in bed looking at the heavens beyond his ceiling, PAUL (VO) Dear God, thank You for all Your blessings. You have given me so many things, like good health, nice parents, a nice truck, and what I've been told is a large penis, and I'm very grateful. But I sure am worried about Tammy. In my heart I still can't believe she tore down my posters, but sometimes she does get so weird and angry. Please help her be a happier person, because she's so smart and sensitive, and I love her. Also, I'm nervous about the election tomorrow, and I guess I want to win and all, but I know that's totally up to You. You'll decide who the best person is, and I'll accept it. And forgive my sins, whatever they may be. Amen. FADE OUT INT. JIM'S CAR -- NIGHT JIM sits parked outside of Sherry's house, a SLURPEE held against his now grotesquely swollen eye. He is so tired and pain-ridden that he practically gasps for breath. JIM (VO) Sherry never came home that night. I know, because I spent the entire night in her driveway. INT. TRACY'S KITCHEN -- DAWN Tracy and her mom are hard at work frosting cupcakes. TRACY (VO) Mom and I got up at five AM, and together we custom-iced three hundred and fifty cupcakes. CLOSE ON A CUPCAKE - as "PICK FLICK" is written on it with a yellow icing tube. MRS. Flick cheerfully performs her task. She hums. TRACY (VO CONT'D) I remember she was so happy, like there was nothing in the world she'd rather be doing. Besides me and her job, I guess my mom doesn't have much of a life. She hasn't dated anyone since Frank, and she hardly ever buys new clothes for herself or travels. TRACY Mom? MRS. FLICK Hmmm? TRACY I think I'm going to lose today MRS. FLICK What are you talking about? This time tomorrow, you'll be president TRACY You really think so? Mrs. Flick puts an arm around her daughter MRS. FLICK Tracy Flick's a winner. EXT. SHERRY'S HOUSE DAWN Jim's car has not moved from its spot on the driveway. Its windows are now fogged. A LOUD GARBAGE TRUCK rumbles by. INT. JIM'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS Reclined in his car seat, mouth open as he sleeps, JIM is awakened by the truck. His breath steams. His eye has turned bluish. He tries to wipe the condensation from the windshield, but it's on the outside. EXT. SHERRY'S DRIVEWAY -- CONTINUOUS JIM opens the door and looks around -- no sign of Sherry's car. He stiffly walks to the side of the garage and unzips his pants to pee. Now cradling his head on the roof of his car, JIM gathers what little strength he has, gets in, and tries to start the cold engine. JIM (VO) I had no choice but to go home. I needed to shower, get fresh clothes, explain what I could to Diane. But what was I going to say? That our marriage had become a charade? That making love with Sherry had given me a vision of a better life? THE TAILPIPE finally coughs out a cloud of exhaust INT./EXT. JIM'S CAR DAWN JIM drives, bleary-eyed. He creeps along his tree-lined middle-class block. JIM (VO CONT'D) Then again, maybe I could slip in and out without waking her up. JIM slows to a stop, looks with dread at his home EXT. JIM'S HOUSE CONTINUOUS On the front porch sits A GYM BAG. JIM approaches, stares numbly at the bag. Drawing a long breath, he bends over and picks it up. Attached is a NOTE reading: "Don't come in." EXT. MILLARD HIGH DAWN At the foot of the main walk to the school, Tracy and her mother are setting up a CARD TABLE covered with little pink cakes. Jim's Ford Escort chugs its way through the fog and comes to a stop. Looking like a war refugee, JIM emerges from his car carrying the gym bag and heads toward school. TRACY (chirping) Good morning, Mr. M. JIM stops, turns slowly, regards mother and daughter with a crazed, one-eyed, uncomprehending stare. TRACY (CONT'D) (holding one out) Looks like you could use a cupcake! JIM takes it wordlessly. AS he heads up the walkway, he eats it in two huge bites, like a feral animal. TRACY (CONT'D) (calling out) What's wrong with your eye? Are you OK? INT. BOYS' LOCKER ROOM -- DAY IN THE SHOWERS JIM scrubs himself as if to wash his whole life away. JIM (VO) Cupcakes. Jesus Christ. Cupcakes? My life was crumbling, and I was expected to care about these ungrateful kids and their pathetic little dreams. As if my only purpose in life were to serve them. JIM (mocking) Mr. McAllister. Mr. McAllister. Somebody tore down my posters. It's not fair. It's not fair. Can I have an A? Can I have a recommendation? Can I? Can I? AT THE MIRROR JIM adjusts his tie, tries to smooth his wrinkled shirt. JIM (VO CONT'D) Well, fuck them. Didn't I have my own life? Didn't I have my own dreams? He coughs up phlegm and spits it into the sink JIM (VO CONT'D) Cupcakes INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY JIM exits the BOYS' LOCKER ROOM door and bumps into Mr. Beckman. MR. BECKMAN Hey, Jim. Big day today JIM (putting on a smile) Oh, yeah. Big day. INT. SCHOOL OFFICE DAY MISS BEEDER of the school office is at the P.A. MICROPHONE. Walt is behind her. She looks over her shoulder, and Walt gives her the go- ahead. MISS BEEDER Attention, everyone. We have an important announcement from our principal. Dr. Hendricks. Walt gives Miss Beeder a courtesy smile and takes the mike WALT Good morning, students. It, uh, behooves me to inform you of an important change in today's elections. Effective this morning... INT. TEACHERS' OFFICES DAY BALLOT AFTER BALLOT -- as a black magic marker crosses out Tammy's name. JIM sits at his desk and carries out his absurd task. He stops and stares. His thoughts wander far, far away. WALT (OS CONT'D) . .. sophomore Tammy Metzier has been... Metzier has been determined ineligible - I repeat: ineligible -- for SGA president. You may not vote for Tammy Metzier. All other candidates are eligible. Now please pay attention to a very important, uh, audio-visual presentation. (irritated, thinking he's off) Linda, who typed this thing? I said I need all caps.... INT. TV AND MILLARD CLASSROOMS DAY CLOSE ON A TV-- mounted in the corner. An educational video is just beginning. Host CLARK NAYLOR sits on the edge of a desk in a generic office set. During the video, we cut to CLASSROOMS, where from the TV's point of view, we see the students watching: English class shop class, gym class, biology class. CLARK (ON TV) Hello, students, I'm Clark Naylor of Joslyn's Educational Resources. It's election day, and how you vote will make a big difference in the activities, events, and perhaps even the policies of your school. Over the past few days or weeks, you've heard candidates for the various offices make their speeches and tell you where they stand. You've probably seen their posters. Maybe you've even had a chance to speak with them personally. CLOSE-UPS OF STUDENTS Now replace the wider shots of classrooms. Photographed as though from a Soviet propaganda film, some students look up nobly and attentively, while others watch with dead eyes and open mouth, and still others goof off. CLARK (ON TV CONT'D) Well, today marks the end of campaigning, and now the spotlight turns to you. Voting is your privilege and your responsibility. Remember, no one needs to know for whom you've voted. That's between you. . . and you. An AFRICAN-AMERICAN TEENAGER walks up to Clark. CLARK (ON TV CONT'D) Now I'd like to introduce you to Tony. Tony's going to show you how to cast your vote. Are you ready, Tony? TONY (ON TV) I think s0 CLARK (ON TV) Good. Let's get started INT. MILLARD HALLWAY NEAR OF-PICE -- DAY JIM slinks down the hall and ducks into a PHONE BOOTH. He fishes change out of his pocket and dials. We hear the echo of the video emanating from all the classrooms. SHERRY'S VOICE (VO) Hi. You've reached the Novotnys. We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon. Have a nice day. JIM Are you there? Sherry, are you there? It's Jim. (suddenly angry) Why did you do that? I trusted you. Completely. You've ruined my life. Do you know that? Do you realize that? Huh? Do you? You've ruined Diane's life. You ruined my life. is that what you wanted? (recovering) I'm sorry. It's just... I'm going nuts here. Okay, all right, so... Really, I'm sorry. I just think we should talk, okay? I love you. INT. TEACHERS' OFFICES -- DAY JIM crosses out more ballots, this time with perverse intensity. JIM (VO) If only my own life could be corrected so easily, with nice fat black lines drawn neatly through my sins. CLOSE ON TAMMY'S NAME - as it is blackened. We WIPE with the motion of the magic marker to: INT. LITTLE SALLY ANN SHOP DAY SWISH! The curtain of the dressing room is drawn back, and there's Tammy. She beams and walks toward -- A THREE-PANEL MIRROR, where she takes herself in, dressed in her new Catholic schoolgirl UNIFORM. The SALESLADY converses nearby with Jo Metzier. SALESLADY And Sacred Heart is such a good school. Excellent school. The public schools are going downhill, as far as I'm concerned. JO Well, we've had good luck at Millard, but for this one it's time for a change. Tammy spins and admires the flip of the skirt. SALESLADY So what do you think? Sacred Heart has the prettiest. They have that nice hint of purple. TAMMY (lying) I hate it. JO You're just going to have to get used to it. TAMMY Please, morn. Please don't make me go to Sacred Heart. I beg you. JO (to saleslady) We'll take two. INT. MILLARD HIGH CAFETERIA DAY Makeshift POLLING BOOTHS are set up just outside the cafeteria. Behind two tables sit TWO TEACHERS who cross out voters' names on big master computer lists. Tracy stands in line, not-so-patiently waiting her turn. TRACY (VO) When the time came to cast our votes, I stood in line just like everyone else. She finally reaches the front of the line. TEACHER Hi, Tracy TRACY Tracy Enid Flick. TEACHER I know. Tracy goes into a VOTING BOOTH and quickly hands her ballot. sophomore PHIL CHOY stands nearby with his CAMERA. TRACY Phil you ready? PHIL Ready. Tracy exits the booth and heads toward the BALLOT BOX. She inserts her ballot halfway and freezes, smiling. Phil snaps a picture, but - PHIL Just a second. My flash. Tracy remains perfectly still while Phil fiddles with his camera. A STUDENT stands behind her, waiting to put his ballot in the box. STUDENT Come on, Tracy. TRACY (through her smile) Just wait. FLASH! Phil gets his shot and Tracy drops her ballot in. TRACY Thanks, Phil. On her way out Tracy passes Paul at the end of the line. He gives her an enthusiastic THUMBS UP. PAUL Way to go, Tracy! Isn't this exciting? TRACY (awkward) Yeah. PAUL Hell, good luck! TRACY (reluctant) Good luck to you too, Paul. PAUL Thanks! INT. VOTING BOOTH Paul scans his ballot, struggles with his decision. PAUL (VO) It's so weird. DO people always just vote for themselves? 'Cause looking at my own name on the ballot, I just... I don't know, I just felt like it's not right to vote for yourself. THE BALLOT - as Paul's pen puts an "X" next to the name "Tracy Flick INT. MILLARD HALLWAYS DAY THE BALLOT BOX is being carried through the halls and up some stairs by Larry Fouch and three other STUDENT COUNCIL MEMBERS. The music suggests the weighty importance of its contents and the sacred mission of its bearers. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM - DAY JIM is hunkered over his desk. He's a wreck: dark, dark circles under his eyes; his hair didn't dry right -- frizzy here, matted there. And he's near tears. Larry Fouch and his retinue enter cheerfully LARRY Okay, Mr. M. Larry drops the ballot box on Jim's desk JIM What? Right. So let's start counting. LARRY Well, I thought that... well, the way it always works is that SGA president does a count, then the SGA advisor, you know, for the two independent counts. JIM Fine. So do your count. Start with president, and I'll be right back. LARRY You have the key, Mr. McAllister. JIM doesn't understand at first, then JIM Right. I know. JIM proceeds to sort through his cluttered desk drawers but can't seem to find the key. The council members exchange concerned looks as Jim's search becomes frenzied. LARRY Are you okay, Mr. M.? ANOTHER STUDENT What happened to your eye? JIM I'm fine. It's just a bee sting, a simple little everyday bee sting. Some people, they get stung, it's no big deal. Me, I swell up. Okay? JIM emerges from the drawer wielding a VISE GRIP. He goes to the box and TEARS the entire hardware assembly off. Holding the mangled lock, he turns to the students, who look back STUNNED. JIM (CONT'D) I just want to get this over with, so we can have the assembly and go home. We don't have much time until eighth period. I have other things going on, too, you know. LARRY Okay. Yeah. We know JIM All right. I'll be back INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE SCHOOL OFFICE DAY JIM slinks up to a PAY PHONE, inserts a coin, dials SHERRY'S VOICE (cheery) Hi. You've reached the Novotnys. We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon. Have a nice day. JIM it's me again. I'm sorry for all the calls. But Sherry, if I could just hear your voice, if you'd only acknowledge that I... SHERRY (OS) (picking up phone) What do you want, Jim? JIM You're there. SHERRY (OS) Yeah. I'm here. JIM Sherry... I love you. SHERRY (OS) (loud exhale) Don't say that. You know it's not true. JIM It's the only true thing I know anymore. SHERRY (OS) We made a mistake. Let's not make it worse. JIM A mistake? That was no mistake. SHERRY (OS) I was lonely. You took advantage JIM Me? I took advantage of you? You hugged me! You kissed me! You're the one who -- CLICK. INT. MILLARD HALLWAY -- DAY It's PASSING PERIOD, and the halls are jammed with students at their lockers and walking to class. JIM is walking quickly back to his classroom. He passes Paul. PAUL Hey, Mr. M. Big day, huh? Jim doesn't even hear. INT. CLASSROOM DAY Larry is just finishing his count. The ballots are on a desk in front of him, neatly organized into three piles. JIM enters. JIM (impatient) What d'you got? LARRY I'm not supposed to tell. Not until you've counted too. We're each supposed to make an independent count. JIM You're kidding, right? LARRY I thought those were the rules, Mr. McAllister. If they've changed in any way -- JIM Larry, we're not electing the fucking Pope here. Just tell me who won. Jim's use of profanity scares Larry, and he responds reluctantly LARRY It's a squeaker, Mr. M. I've got Tracy by a vote. Just one vote. Jim, who hasn't cared about any of this today, suddenly takes note. He stares blankly at Larry as the news sinks in. LARRY (CONT'D) Mr. M.? JIM Huh. Okay. Well, I guess I'd better do my count. Jim-scoops up the three piles of ballots and takes them to his desk. INT. HISTORY CLASS DAY CLOSE ON DALE - a junior honors student. He is thinking. The wheels are turning, grinding. Finally -- DALE Sputnik. MR. FLAGG is lecturing, really trying to make history come alive. Tracy takes notes, but she is noticeably distracted. MR. FLAGG Right. And what year was that? DALE 1958? MR. FLAGG Almost. 1957. So the point here is when we found out about Sputnik, we got really scared. It seemed like no matter what we had and kept secret, they could develop it too. A-bombs, h-bombs, rocket ships. And this time we were behind them. So -- February 1961, Kennedy tells Congress and the American people he wants to go to the moon. May 1961, the Apollo program is announced... Tracy just can't take it anymore. She abruptly stands up, takes the GIANT HALL PASS off the lip of the blackboard, and starts to leave. Mr. Flagg gives her a small nod. INT. RAILWAY DAY Tracy nears a room, a special room. She slows down and peeks in the window of the door. She sees -- LARRY FOUCH sitting at the back of the classroom, staring front. Tracy presses her face to see what Larry is staring at -- JIM at his desk counting ballots LARRY catches sight of Tracy in the window. TRACY crosses her fingers by her ears and gives a questioning look LARRY sneaks a guilty look at Jim, absorbed in his counting. Then, against his better judgment flashes Tracy a quick, furtive double THUMBS-UP. TRACY suddenly disappears from the window. IN THE EMPTY HALLWAY - Tracy pogos with unbridled joy TRACY (VO) You know that moment when they announce the winner of a beauty pageant? When Miss Texas or whoever suddenly realizes she's Miss America, and all she can do is scream and weep and hug the losers? I had my moment in the hallway that Tuesday afternoon with no one to hug but myself. She pulls herself together enough to peek through the window of the OTHER DOOR to Jim's classroom, the window behind which JIM is still busily doing his count. INT. JIM'S CLASSROOM -- DAY JIM counts out the last of the ballots, mouthing the numbers to himself. JIM (VO) I was at the end of my count when it happened. I'd come up with exactly the same numbers as Larry: Tracy had won the election by a single vote, 256 to 257. I was about to announce my tally when... JIM looks up and sees TRACY in the window, her face exploding with joy. She FREEZES. We move closer to Jim in SLOW-MOTION. What actually occurs in a split-second is suspended in time JIM (VO CONT'D) The sight of Tracy at that moment affected me in a way I can't fully explain. Part of it was that she was spying, but mostly it was her face. Looking at her, you might think she was a sweet, innocent teenage girl. But she wasn't sweet. And she wasn't innocent. She was selfish and cynical and ambitious and thought nothing of destroying the lives of others to get to the top. who knew how high she would climb in life, how many people would suffer because of her? I had to stop her now. Tracy UNFREEZES and darts out of sight. JIM glances at Larry. Larry is writing in a notebook. JIM'S HAND creeps up from his lap and onto the pile of TRACY VOTES. His fingers nimbly count two ballots and pull them off the desk. JIM coughs as beneath his desk he CRUMPLES THE BALLOTS into a ball and drops them into the wastepaper basket. JIM Larry? LARRY (looking up) Yeah? JIM I think we've got a problem. INT. WALT HENDRICKS'S OFFICE DAY Walt is just finishing counting the ballots on his desk. Larry and JIM stand over him. WALT 253... 254... 255. I get the same as you Jim. Looks like Paul's our president. LARRY No way I It doesn't make sense. WALT Sorry. My figures work out exactly the same as Jim's. 256 for Paul, 255 for Tracy. LARRY And 290 "disregards," right? WALT If you say so. JIM Mostly Tammy fans LARRY See, it doesn't add up. There are only 801 ballots but 803 people voted. Two votes are missing. Check the register. JIM He's right. Two people must have pocketed their ballots. Usually it's more. LARRY But, they were there I counted 803 votes. JIM It happens, Larry. People make mistakes. LARRY I didn't make a mistake. Every vote was there when you sac down WALT Whoa! Easy, Fouch. I don't like where you're going. LARRY I'm telling you. Dr. Hendricks, every vote was accounted for. JIM (stern) Larry? We've got twenty-five minutes until the assembly, and we still have to do counts for VP, Treasurer and Secretary. Mr. Hendricks and I have both verified the numbers, and unless you can come up with the ballots you claim are missing - LARRY But, Mr. M. - WALT Fouch, that's enough! End of story. INT. MILLARD HIGH GYMNASIUM -- DAY AN ASSEMBLY - The students are taking their seats on the bleachers. ON THE FLOOR are all the candidates: three for secretary, two for treasurer, one for vice-president, two for president. PAUL AND TRACY sit side-by-side. Paul seems a little overwhelmed by the whole thing. Tracy leans over and offers her hand. TRACY Paul, I just want you to know that no matter how this turns out, you've run a wonderful campaign. It's been fun competing with you. PAUL Yeah, you too, Tracy. I'm just glad it's over. TRACY Yeah. CLOSE ON PAUL PAUL (VO) You know, I don't understand why everybody bad-mouthed Tracy all the time. She was always super- nice to me. JIM approaches the microphone JIM If we could get started. People! Once the winners are announced, we can all go home, okay? The students quiet down JIM (CONT'D) Some contests are so well fought that is seems unfair for someone to win and someone to lose. I think that's the case with all the candidates you see before you today. All of them are highly qualified and embody the, uh, the integrity we expect from our school leadership. OS TRACY - Jim's voice momentarily recedes. TRACY (VO) Act surprised. Walk slowly to the podium. Be modest. Thank them for this incredible honor. JIM That said, the whole point of an election is to choose winners, and that you have done. We'll begin with president. JIM pulls a folded paper from his back pocket JIM (CONT'D) Let me add that this was an extraordinarily close race. It's my pleasure to announce the next president of Millard High School. Tracy just can't wait. Smiling, she STANDS UP. JIM Paul Metzier! The crowd breaks into applause -- and laughter ON TRACY - AS she sits, her smile belies her horror and humiliation Paul begins his acceptance speech. We cut alternately to a thrilled Lisa; a stunned Tracy, tears forming at the corners of her eyes; and to JIM, who watches the events with shifty eyes, his mouth dry and tasting of metal. PAUL Geez, you guys, thanks a lot. I mean, wow, thanks. I promise to do my best and really do a good job and be a good president. And I want to thank Lisa Flanagan for being a super campaign manager. And I just want to say that I think Tracy would have made a great president too and that she really deserves a big hand. The auditorium erupts into applause and whistles, and JIM takes the microphone again. JIM And now, for vice-president. EXT. COCO'S BAKERY/RESTAURANT DUSK In the growing darkness, the restaurant radiates its distinctive orange glow. The parking lot is nearly empty. INT. COCO'S BAKERY/RESTAURANT DUSK JIM sits alone at a booth by the window, finishing a slice of berry pie. He gets the attention of a WAITRESS and holds up his coffee cup. JIM Could I get a...? As JIM gets his warm-up, in walk the Metziers: Paul, Dick and Jo. JIM notices them as they wait to be seated. He wishes he were invisible. As a PERKY HOSTESS leads the family to a table, Paul spots Jim. Here it comes. PAUL Wow! Mr. McAllister! This is so wild. We came to celebrate my victory, and I can't believe it. Here, these are my parents. JIM stands up awkwardly. DICK METZLER (extending his hand) Hi. Dick Metzier. My wife -- PAUL This is great. JIM (extending his hand) JIM McAllister. JO METZLER (extending her hand) JO Metzier. You know, Paul just thinks the world of you. Oh, if you could just hear him... DICK Yeah, say, apparently you've really come behind him, really helped him out there with the student council thing and all. PAUL I never would have ran if it wasn't for Mr. M. JIM Paul doesn't need any of my help. He's going places. You should be very proud. JO We are DICK Having a problem with your eye there? JO Dick. JIM Just a bee sting. DICK You ought to get that looked at. Shot of cortisone or something. JIM Thanks, I'll be fine. DICK Anyway, we're awful sorry about what went on with our other one, you know, our Tammy. JO We were mortified... JIM Oh, she's not a bad girl. She'll come around. JO ... but we've had some good talks, and I think we're sorting things out. We're starting her at Sacred Heart in the fall. JIM Good school. DICK Say, you're all alone, why don't you join us? PAUL Yeah! JIM Oh, no. No. I'm just finishing up here, and I've got to get home. PAUL (to his parents) Why don't you guys go sit down, okay? I'll catch up in a minute? I want to talk to Mr. M. about some important stuff. DICK All right. Well, sure nice to meet you. JO So nice JIM You bet. The Metziers go, and- Paul slides in across from Jim. PAUL So, Mr. M, I was starting to think about ideas for next year. I was thinking it would be cool to have, like a carnival. With rides. And, you know, it could be for, like. Muscular Dystrophy. JIM tries to smile and seem attentive, but we sense his profound fatigue and his profound sadness. PAUL (CONT'D) And on Halloween we could have a haunted house. But a really good haunted house, not like those cheesy bad ones. You know, more like the radio station ones. This one would be really scary. And for Homecoming -- well, you know how last year's theme was - JIM Paul... Paul.... We'll have plenty of time to get into all this later. A whole year, in fact. Right now I just need to finish my pie and get home. PAUL Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. The wind out of his sails, Paul gets up and is about to go when PAUL (CONT'D) Just one more thing. So, Mr. M., uh, do you think Tracy's going to be okay? I saw her face after the assembly, and I think she's taking it pretty hard. JIM Don't worry about Tracy. She'll be fine. INT. TRACY'S BEDROOM NIGHT CLOSE ON TRACY - her face drained and pallid, her eyes red and bleary: she is exhausted from crying. TRACY One vote... one vote She falls again headlong again into the throes of despair. Her mouth contorts into a rictus of agony, and there issues an almost feral cry of pain. Her anguish grows convulsive. Barbara Flick comes in and sits on the bed. She's carrying a PRESCRIPTION BOTTLE and a glass of milk. BARBARA Why don't you take a couple of my pills, darling? You'll feel better. Tracy takes the pills and sips the milk weakly. Her mother kisses her. BARBARA (CONT'D) Don ' t worry. .. don ' t worry. . . sshhhhh... that's it, baby... that's it, darling. Everything's going to be fine. She lays Tracy on the bed, and Tracy begins to quiet. Barbara kisses her again and rises to leave. At the door she pauses to add a few final words of comfort. BARBARA (CONT'D) Maybe you needed more posters, honey. Or if you'd taken my suggestions about your speech. I don't know. We'll figure it out. EXT. MCAILISTER HOME NIGHT JIM stands at his own back door, beaten and ashamed. He lifts a hand and knocks. After a moment the door opens, and there is Diane. JIM Diane, I... Diane looks at JIM in silence. Her face reveals nothing, but there is a deadness in her eyes. After a moment, she turns back inside, leaving the door open. JIM follows his wife inside, closes the door. The camera moves to peek in the kitchen window, from where we watch JIM and Diane but cannot make out anything they say. JIM (VO) I don't know how Diane and I made it through that night, but we did. Our marriage had gone right to the brink, but in the end I guess it was saved by one simple fact: we truly loved each other. So we made a commitment to begin the painful process of piecing our lives back together. The worst was over; the mistakes of the past were behind us. INT. MILLARD HIGH JIM'S CLASSROOM -- NIGHT A WASTE BASKET peeks out from under Jim's desk. We hear a distinctive rhythmic squeak, and a shadowy head appears in the window. Keys jingle. The door opens, and Lowell turns on the lights. He approaches the waste basket and slides it out. EXT. MILLARD HIGH TRACK DAY FROM OVERHEAD - JIM circles the track. ON THE GROUND -- JIM does pushups. Then sit-ups. JIM (VO) The next day held the promise of a new beginning. After all, what harm had really been done? No one was dead. INT. MILLARD OFFICE DAY Now all clean and refreshed and whistling a merry tune, JIM pops in to check his box, giving a wave to Miss Seeder. JIM Hi, Linda. JIM continues to whistle as he looks through his mail. JIM (VO CONT'D) Life would go on, and I would certainly be a stronger and wiser person from the experience. MISS BEEDER Uh, Jim? JIM Hmm? MISS BEEDER Walt needs to see you. JIM Oh. Okay. Still absorbed in his papers, JIM heads over to Walt's door. INT. WALT'S OFFICE CONTINUOUS JIM You rang? JIM stops cold. Walt is not alone. Barbara Flick and a bleary-eyed Tracy are there. So are Larry Fouch, Ron Bell, and Lowell the janitor. Prominently displayed on Walt's desk are TWO CRINKLED BALLOTS. JIM takes an eternal few seconds to absorb what is happening. WALT Mr. McAllister, I hope you can help us clear something up. BARBARA Look at his face! He knows he's been caught. Look at his face! (to Jim) Your ass is grass, Mister! LARRY You said I was a liar You're the liar, you're the -- WALT Larry, you just take it easy All turn and stare at Jim. Come to think of it, he does look awfully guilty. INT. SPANISH CLASS-- DAY MS. HOY leads the class in recitation. Paul responds along with his companeros. MS. HOY Yo -- CLASS pierdo. MS. HOY Tu CLASS pierdes. MS. HOY El/ella - CLASS pierde. A STUDENT AIDE enters the classroom and hands a note to the teacher, who upon reading the note looks up at Paul MS. HOY Senor presidente? The class laughs fondly. Paul looks around, beaming with embarrassment and pride. MS. HOY (CONT'D) Quieren verte en la oficina. PAUL Huh? INT. MILLARD HALLWAY DAY Paul walks down the hall, a bounce in his step on this fine spring morning. PAUL Senor presidente. Yo soy senor presidente... El grande presidente... PAUL (VO) I don't know why, but finding out there was a mistake and I hadn't won the election after all didn't bother me that much. Winning had seemed kind of unreal anyway. I guess I should have voted for myself. Oh, well. Paul reaches the -- INT. SCHOOL OFFICE CONTINUOUS and enters Walt's office. Everyone is there WALT (standing up) Take a seat, son. We've got something hard to tell you. PAUL Is Tammy okay? WALT She's okay. It's about the election. Walt closes the door in our faces. We hold on the door. JIM (VO) After Paul got the bad news, Walt asked for a few minutes alone with me. It was very simple, really. I offered my resignation, and he accepted. Very quietly, it was all over for JIM McAllister at Millard High - twelve years of hard work down the drain. The door opens revealing that only wait and JIM remain. The office staff is hushed as JIM the Zombie Cyclops emerges into the office and walks somberly toward Miss Boeder. His voice quavers at half-volume. JIM Walt will be speaking with you about this, but I need you to find someone to take over my classes. The lesson plans for the rest of the year are in my top right drawer. MISS BEEDER Okay, Jim. I understand. JIM Thanks. Well. I'm going home now. EXT. HILLARD HIGH (REAR PROJECTIOH) -- DAY As JIM moves toward the parking lot, the school recedes in an odd REAR PROJECTION that suggests he is floating. The MUSIC here reinforces the gravity of the moment, the inevitability of his fate. JIM stops walking, and a disembodied STEEPING WHEEL floats into his hands. The scene behind changes to: INT./EXT. JIM'S CAR REAR PROJECTION - DAY The city passing by outside is another strange REAR PROJECTION. JIM grips the floating steering wheel and makes turns wildly out-of-sync with the background. JIM (VO) I don't remember driving home, or much of anything that happened in the next few days. JIM lets go of the steering wheel, and it drifts away. JIM turns his back to camera to face - INT. MCALLISTER HOUSE (REAR PROJECTIOH) -- DAY JIM drifts toward his house, and it absorbs him through the front door. INT. MCALLISTER LIVING ROOM - DAY We're no longer in rear-projection land: reality has caught up with Jim. As he walks across the room, he strips off his shirt, shoes, socks, and finally pants. Left only in his underwear, he walks through the house and out into the - EXT. MCALLISTER BACKYARD DAY and flops down in the grass, facing the sky. JIM (VO CONT'D) There were news stories in the paper and on television, former students calling with their support, endless hours of doing nothing, thinking nothing. A shadow falls over Jim's face, and a hand offers him a glass of iced tea. Grateful, JIM takes it, and looks up at - DIANE, her head blocking the sun. JIM (VO CONT'D) Diane stood by me through the entire humiliating ordeal, in a way, it sort of evened things out between us. Diane leaves. JIM looks up at the sky. JIM (VO CONT'D) Soon school was over, and summer stretched out in front of me as it always had. Funny how the rhythm of the school year remains ingrained in you for life. in mid-June we found out Diane was pregnant. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear the opening bars of a bouncy TIJUANA BRASS SONG. EXT. METZLER CEMENT PLANT NIGHT PAUL IS DANCING, twisting to the music at a PARTY, a giant grin on his face, a big sombrero with tassels on his head. Behind him we can see an enormous illuminated GRAVEL CONVEYOR. SUPER-IMPOSED: "ONE YEAR LATER." PAUL (VO) Senior year was great I Sure, I didn't get to play ball or be president, but I got elected homecoming king and prom king anyway. I got into Nebraska like I wanted and early-rushed Phi Delts. At the end of the year me and my buddies threw a hitching Mexican party down at the cement plant. Shit, that was a good party. That was a good party! LATER -- Paul is at a KEG, pumping it up and serving himself a beer. He takes a sip, seems to grow pensive. PAUL (VO CONT'D) The only really bad thing about senior year was Lisa. Right before Christmas she dumped me. One minute she's totally in love with me and then boom she's going out with my football buddy Randy. Paul looks over at LISA dancing suggestively with RANDY Paul looks sad, takes another gulp, waves at unseen friends. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I'd actually won the election. Maybe my whole life would be different. Like I might never have gone to Yosemite with Greg and Travis. Paul takes a BIG GULP and looks into camera. PAUL (VO CONT'D) Or maybe I'd be dead. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear a distinctive AIRY HISS. INT. SACRED HEART BATHROOM DAY Tammy takes a big toke off a JOINT. TAMMY (VO) Catholic school was great! Tammy and JENNIFER, a Sacred Heart schoolmate, are jammed into a bathroom stall. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) I mean, the teachers kind of sucked, and they were supposedly way more strict, but you could get away with murder. Tammy hands off the doob to Jennifer, who takes a huge hit. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) The best thing about Sacred Heart was meeting Jennifer. Jennifer looks at Tammy. Tammy looks at Jennifer JENNIFER MONTAGE - accompanied by the early '70's song, "Jennifer." SUPER-8 style glimpses of Tammy and Jennifer in the Sacred Heart hallways, Jennifer in the park, Jennifer dancing in Tammy's room, and finally, Jennifer SWINGING. TAMMY (VO CONT'D) All those feelings I had for Lisa were just preparing me for the real thing. Jennifer and I are soul mates, and we're never, ever, ever going to be apart. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK we hear the MURMUR of a small crowd, interrupted by the BANG, BANG, BANG of a GAVEL. TRACY (VO) Senior year was very productive for me and full of personal achievement. INT. STUDENT COUNCIL OFFICE DAY Tracy officiates a MEETING. Next to her at the head table is Jerry Raynor and other council members. TRACY Order. Order. Order I Can we vote on this? Those in favor. TRACY (VO) On top of a very successful student council year, I got into Cornell like I wanted, with scholarships, and I was in the top 7th percentile of my graduating class. TRACY Approved EXT. PARK DAY Tracy walks along the edge of a pond on this overcast day, Her arms are crossed, and she wears an oversized woolen sweater. Wind blows softly through her hair. TRACY (VO CONT'D) But sometimes I got lonely, and I'd think about Dave. I missed our talks. Maybe it could have worked out between us. I don't know. INT. REAL VALU HARDWARE DAY Wearing the red vest and "Ask me" button of a Real Valu foot soldier, Dave stands above a case of SPRAY PAINT. He is stamping prices on every cap. TRACY (VO CONT'D) I wonder what he's doing now. Maybe he finally finished his novel INT. MILLARD CAFETERIA - DAY It's ANNUAL distribution time, and crowd of excited students are lined up to get their precious book of memories. Many have already received theirs and are crowded around dining tables, gleefully exchanging bans mots. Tracy takes her annual and quickly opens it to the INDEX. CLOSE ON TRACT'S NAME - followed by a whopping list of page references TRACY (VO) When the yearbooks came out, I was on almost every page. EXT. MILLARD PARKING LOT - DAY Tracy walks outside hugging her yearbook and sees PAUL AT HIS TRUCK, surrounded by supplicants. Tracy stops for a moment and watches. She gathers her courage and heads toward him. Paul doesn't even notice her, so occupied is he with his friends and admirers. TRACY Paul, will you sign my yearbook? PAUL Sure, Tracy. Paul takes the book, efficiently finds the page with his picture, and goes to work. TRACY Can I sign yours too? PAUL Oh, yeah, sure. (to a friend) Hey Nolan, give my book to Tracy when you're done* Nolan finishes and hands the book over. Tracy turns to the front pages and finds them completely filled, as are the end pages. Now she looks for her picture. When she finds it, it's almost completely obscured by part of some ASSWIPE 'S long, illegible, exclamation point-filled message. Finally, she locates an available space and begins to write. TRACY (VO) I thought very carefully about what to write. Because despite everything that had happened with the election, I really wished him well. I even signed it... CLOSE ON - Tracy writing: "Love, Tracy" beneath her inscription Tracy takes Paul's book back to him. He's already working on another annual and barely looks up when he swaps with her. PAUL Thanks, Tracy. Tracy starts to walk away and Paul stops her PAUL (CONT'D) Hey, Tracy I.. She turns around expectantly TRACY Yes, Paul? PAUL Have a great summer. And good luck at college. TRACY (genuinely moved) Thanks. You too. It was great working with you. Tracy opens the book as she walks and stops when she finds AN ALMOST BLANK PAGE with Paul's puny inscription at the bottom: Have a great Summer! Good luck at college Paul Metzier' INT. TRACY'S ROOM DAY Tracy looks at herself in a mirror, as though dispassionately assessing her own face. Then she begins to put on lipstick. TRACY (VO) After graduation, I don't know. ; somehow felt empty inside. I guess high school just seemed so meaningless now and I couldn't wait to get out of Omaha. Next year I was going to make all new friends. Smarter, more ambitious friends. It was time to move on. There was nothing left for roe here. I just had one more thing to take care of. FADE OUT UNDER BLACK comes the sound of a BUSY COMMERCIAL STREET. JIM (VO) After two months of sitting on my ass and two months helping out at my brother-in-law's travel agency... EXT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY A standard-issue car dealership: banner-draped lot, glass enclosed showroom. JIM (VO CONT'D) ...I landed a position at a Saturn dealership. INT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY All those cars and that new-car SMELL IN HIS CUBICLE JIM is typing at his desk across from a 55-ish MALE CUSTOMER. JIM (VO CONT'D) I never thought I'd end up selling cars, but it's not so bad. I like the Saturn philosophy -- it really is a different kind of company. A FRAMED SNAPSHOT on Jim's desk shows Diane and him with the LITTLE ONE. JIM (VO CONT'D) I'm just relieved to have a steady income now that there are three of us. INT./EXT. GRIFFITH SATURN DAY QUICK MONTAGE OUTSIDE ON THE LOT JIM saunters toward a client reading stickers. INSIDE THE DEALERSHIP JIM explains features of a CROSS-SECTIONED SATURN THE CLIENT IS IN A DRIVER'S SEAT while JIM leans in from the opposite window, pointing out dashboard features. JIM (VO) Actually, it wasn't so difficult making the transition from teaching to selling. It's like I tell my customers: my role is just to educate people so they can make informed decisions. THE GLASS DOORS TO THE SHOWROOM OPEN, and JIM watches a satisfied customer drive slowly away in a new Saturn Twin Cam. JIM (VO CONT'D) When I send someone home with a new unit, I feel a genuine sense of pride. INT. GRIFFITH SATURN EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM DAY The room consists of mismatched sofas and chairs around a coffee table. There's a TV that no one watches. Sleeves rolled up and tie loosened, JIM eats a sandwich next to TWO OTHER SALESMEN and a FEMALE ACCOUNTANT who like him are eating lunch and watching TV. NO one speaks. JIM (VO CONT'D) So that's about it. Maybe I'll get back to teaching someday, but for the time being, I guess I'm pretty happy where I'm at. A SALESMAN pokes his head in the door. SALESMAN (to Jim) Hey, Professor. There's a young gal out here asking for you. JIM Oh JIM chews quicker and wipes his mouth as he stands up, straightens his tie. SALESMAN (low, as JIM passes) She's a real hot tamale. INT. SHOWROOM DAY JIM walks among the shiny new cars and sees the back of an attractive young woman in a red dress and heels. She turns around: it's Tracy. JIM is truly surprised. TRACY Hello, Mr. M. JIM Hello, Tracy. JIM waits for Tracy to lead the way, but she doesn't JIM (CONT'D) So what brings you here? TRACY I'm looking at new cars. JIM Oh. New cars. I see. Well, you came to the right place TRACY My mother's buying me a new car for college. JIM Huh. Right. College. Wow. Where are you going? Where 'd you get into? TRACY Well, I got in everywhere I applied, but Cornell is my first choice. JIM Good for you. Good for you An uncomfortable pause. JIM shifts gears. JIM (CONT'D) So, are you looking for something sporty or more practical? TRACY Sporty. INT./EXT. THE SPORTY SATURN -- DAY A test drive. JIM is in the passenger seat. Tracy nears the end of the dealership's driveway. TRACY Where to? JIM Anywhere you want. (checks his watch) Just so long as we're not gone more than a half-hour. Tracy turns right. They drive a moment in silence. JIM Handles pretty good, don't you think? TRACY Yeah. JIM Plenty of pep, too. TRACY Uh-huh. JIM And this model comes with ABS and dual air bags standard. TRACY That sounds good. A silence JIM So Tracy? TRACY Yes? JIM Why are you doing this? TRACY Doing what? JIM Coming to see me. Are you trying to. . humiliate me? TRACY Nooo. I just thought... l mean, I am looking for a new car. But I just thought, well, I'm going away soon, and you'll be stuck here and, I don't know, I just think maybe if things had been different we might have been, well, friends. Real friends. And then things would be different. Don't you think? JIM just looks at Tracy - it's so very odd JIM Well, I... I... that's very nice of you. TRACY (excited) I've got an idea. Tracy suddenly signals and takes a right. EXT. OMAHA STREET -- DAY Tracy and JIM and the Saturn zoom by. INT./EXT. SATURN -- DAY Tracy takes a corner and pulls to a stop in front of a modest middle class house. JIM What's this? TRACY My house. Tracy sets the parking brake. Jim's eyes register a suppressed panic. JIM I don't understand. What's the deal? Tracy looks deeply into Jim's eyes. TRACY I want you to do something for me. JIM Swallows, unsure what heaven or hell awaits him. TRACY (getting out) I just have to get something. I'll be right back. Tracy heads toward the house. JIM sits and waits. He scans Tracy's house, notices the chipped and peeling paint, the rusting lawn furniture, the bowed porch steps. NOW TRACY opens the door and gets in. She carries her YEARBOOK and gives it to Jim. JIM Oh, is this...? (thumbing through it) God. First one of these I haven't been in for a long time. TRACY Would you sign it for me? Tracy reaches over the parking brake and flips the yearbook to the blank pages at the beginning. JIM What a surprise. TRACY Take as much room as you want JIM removes a pen from his breast pocket and uncaps it. He considers what to write. TRACY (CONT'D) I'm scared, Mr. M. I kind of don't feel ready for college. JIM You'll be fine. TRACY I hope so JIM You will. CLOSE ON JIM He looks at the yearbook. He looks at Tracy. He looks out the windshield. It's all so odd. CLOSE ON THE BLANK PAGE JIM begins to write: "Dear Tracy,"

"Entrapment", early, by Ronald Bass ENTRAPMENT Ronald Bass First Draft Screenplay December 2, 1996 Story by: Ronald Bass and Michael Herzberg EXT. HANCOCK TOWER, CHICAGO - LATE NIGHT Lake Shore Drive. Four o'clock in the morning. Minimal traffic, minimal life. As MAIN TITLES BEGIN, we PAN UP the face of... ...Hancock Tower. Up, up, forty floors, sixty, eighty, very dark up here, street sounds fading fast, and as CREDITS CONTINUE we can just make out... ...a dark FIGURE. Like a spider. Inching its way up the steel surface of the 98th floor, and we CLOSE to see... The THIEF. All in black, nearly invisible, with a sleek visored helmet that conceals the face. Two long, oblong backpacks, climb- ing ropes and harness across back and shoulders, tools at the belt. Moving STRAIGHT UP the face of the skyscraper. How is it possible? CLOSER still to see... ...the piton-like BOLTS are electromagnetic, CLANKING to the steel to support weight. A button releases the magnetic charge when the bolt is pulled up by cords to a higher position. The Thief is remarkably strong and agile, scaling the wall with fluid precision, until... ...our summit. A softly-lit, glass-walled PENTHOUSE on the 100th floor. Subtle spots which bathe paintings, sculptures, in a cavernous coldly-decorated space. Swiftly, deftly, the Thief rigs a suction-mounted HARNESS to the steel casing above a massive window. Pulleys, metal caribiner clips, yellow Kevlar ropes. So superbly practiced, the rigging is placed in seconds, huge SUCTION CUPS pressed to the surface of the glass. The Thief reaches to a metal rectangle at the top of the rigging, touches a button, a motor WHINES, the ropes TIGHTEN and the window... ...POPS FREE, hangs SUSPENDED by the Kevlar ropes which amazingly sustain its awesome weight. The huge pane shudders in the wind, and the Thief slips... ...INTO the Penthouse. Nearby, an ALARM BOX softly BEEPS its 60-second warning to the pulsing of a green light, and the Thief attaches a small computerized DEVICE which runs a series of possible CODES at dazzling speed on its display panel, until... ...the right one STOPS. Illuminated in red. The beeping, the green light, go OFF. The device is removed. Back to the window, air rushing in, attach a similar suction- mounted harness from the inside, all exquisitely engineered to rig in seconds, press new suction cups to the inside of the dangling window pane. A small remote control clicker... ...RELEASES the outside suction cups. The window's weight now supported by the interior rigging. The outside equipment pulled INTO the apartment in a single tug. The WHINE of a motor, and the pane pulls UP, the Thief expertly POPPING it into place. No trace of entry. Rapidly folding the rigging into an astonishingly compact bundle, the Thief SCANS... ...the profusion of priceless art. The paintings run to Otto Dix, Franz Marc, Marcel Duchamp. One statue an obvious Rodin. The soft lighting makes walls seem invisible, everything with an infinity perspective in mind. An obsidian slab dining table that seems to end at the horizon. The Thief has packed the rigging away, taken out a large cylin- drical TUBE bearing a label we can't read. Knows the way, quickly through the spectacular apartment, past oils by early German expressionists, Russian futurists, a Rothko, a Kandinsky, a Francis Bacon. The Thief has no interest in these, and as CREDITS CONTINUE, we enter... ...a powder room. A lime-green poured concrete sink, a copper- plated commode, and across from these... ...a single PAINTING. Unlike the others, clearly an Old Master. A 17th century city on the water, churches, spires, an ancient bridge. The Thief wastes no time, unceremoniously... ...CUTS the painting from its frame with sure, perfect strokes. Rolls it quickly in acid-free paper. Opens the cylindrical tube, pulling out... ...another CANVAS which we cannot see. Deftly unrolls this, fitting it carefully into the stolen painting's now-empty frame. Re-hangs it. Stares for a beat through the opaque helmet visor. Approves. Slips the rolled-up stolen canvas into the empty tube. Leaves. Before we follow, we shift angle to see the replacement canvas... A cheerful acrylic portrait. Bozo the Clown. WITH the Thief now, moving fast, into a panelled library. There is a CHUTE built into the wall, a brass lid with the words U.S. MAIL. The Thief pops the labeled tube DOWN the chute. Gone. Steps... ...onto a bookshelf, reaches up to punch out an overhead grating, and... Disappears into the vent. Reaching back to refit the grating seamlessly into place. INT. VENT Halogen flashlight leading the way, our Thief shimmies down the narrow space, arriving at... ...an open vertical AIR SHAFT, BLASTING air straight up the 100 floor height of the skyscraper, with frightening FORCE. Calmly, the Thief clips on a different harness, unzips a nylon cover from the backpack, and simply... LEAPS DOWN the air shaft, startling the shit out of us, as, for an instant... ...the force of the updraft seems to HOLD the Thief in place, suspended above 100 stories of nothingness. Then suddenly, the Thief... ...DROPS SHARPLY, an exhilarating moment of absolute FREE FALL, until a cord is tugged and... ...a nylon PARACHUTE OPENS with a pop. We watch the Thief drifting lazily down. A ride any kid would pay big money for... EXT. HANCOCK TOWER - LATE NIGHT Our original exterior VIEW of the skyscraper's penthouse. REVERSE ANGLE now to see in far distance... ...the dense forest of silhouetted OFFICE TOWERS of downtown Chicago against the night sky, and we ZOOM TOWARD them, covering miles in three seconds, to CLOSE on... ...the highest floor of the SEARS TOWER, and THROUGH an unlit window to see... ...a TELESCOPE. A silhouetted FIGURE looking through it. SNAP to... VIEW through the scope's lens. An amazingly CLOSE detail of the Hancock Tower Penthouse. The scope now PANS DOWN the length of the Tower, to... The street. The Thief climbing onto a battered old Lambretta. Calm as you please. And as the scooter glides off... We HEAR our unseen voyeur WALK AWAY from our telescope. A door OPENS somewhere, and as CREDITS CONCLUDE, it... Closes. Softly. INT. WEBBER ASSURANCE - DAY A basement corridor. Long, bare, dimly lit. Silent. We're in the bowels of somewhere. A startling CLANK, like a prison cell unlocking. A FIGURE enters the corridor, coming this way, on the hurried side of brisk. HECTOR CRUZ is 42, tanned, fit, graying hair swept back in a Pat Riley do. He wears Riley's Armani, too. Maybe this guy coaches. Heels ECHO until he reaches a plain door with discreet lettering... NO ADMITTANCE FOR ANY REASON. There is a dull silver rectangle below the words. He holds his hand up to it... Nothing happens. Shit. Dries his palm on his perfectly-creased slacks. One more time. CLICK. Enters... INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY An unexpectedly VAST semi-circular room, the entire inner circum- ference made up of a single continuous WALL SCREEN, separated into a seamless array of IMAGES... Three-dimensional rotating GRAPHICS of every room in the Hancock Tower Penthouse, SCHEMATICS of electrical, plumbing, and ventila- tion systems. See-through rotating multicolored models of every piece of security EQUIPMENT imaginable, components FLASHING as performance simulations are run. Rapid-fire sequences of indiv- idual human PROFILES, complete with photos and bio blurbs. Screens flickering with blizzards of DATA, hurtling past at warp speed. The Pentagon and CNN would kill for this room. The largest segment of screen, twenty feet square, runs a LIVE FEED from the crime scene. The living room of the Penthouse, crawling with slow-moving cops and technicians, doing their slow-moving thing. Surrounding this image are a dozen smaller screens, showing this and other rooms from a variety of camera angles. All live. We see the library, the mail chute. The powder room. Bozo. Cruz skips down three steps to floor level, nine separate CONTROL STATIONS, each outfitted with super-tech panels to process the avalanche of information. But today, all stations are empty. Except one. CRUZ Baker. You got it solved? And now we see her. From the rear. Slouched at her station. Looks like a skinny teenager in tousled tawny hair, rumpled oversized workshirt, vintage jeans. GIN (O.S., from the rear) Actually. Yeh. Not a kid's voice. Throaty. Music and whiskey and sex and effortless confidence. Even the voice turns us on. CRUZ (glances at his watch) What took you so long, Gin? I called 4:30 this morn... And stops. Because she turns with a look that would freeze anyone to stone. GIN I was with someone, all right? Now we really see her. Delicate bones and features, slender body, radiating the power of a natural heart-stopping beauty. GINGER BAKER is 32, ethereal and feral at once. Electric green eyes crackle with an intellect and a will that are not to be fucked with. CRUZ So? This is work. He is not kidding. Stainless steel beneath the dapper. They are a matched team. GIN Hector, I hardly know the guy. Why be impolite to strangers? And he smiles. Maybe she's lying. He likes her. CRUZ Look at those assholes... He means the cops on live feed. CRUZ If the Vermeer were lying on that table, they'd toss their doughnuts on it. GIN Yeh, well, they didn't insure it, so they don't have to solve this. To them it's a crime. To us it's 24 mil, less re-insurance, which is... CRUZ (grim) Only thirty percent, Gin. Ouch. Really? CRUZ Which is why you're on this. Soft and straight. You're the best. I need you. GIN He came in through the window. CRUZ That's not possib... GIN What's not possible is entry through the doors or the vents. That would have triggered instant alarm. CRUZ The windows are wired, too. GIN Only for trauma. They used smart glass, where the sensors respond to violation of the panel's integrity. He's listening. He always does with her. GIN I think he scaled the wall, popped the frame. In one piece. She sounds awfully positive. Then again, she always does. GIN Then, he only had to deal with heat and motion sensors. They were on 60-second delay, so the owner wouldn't trigger the alarm just be walking arou... CRUZ The pane weighs 200 pounds, the building's 1100 feet high. GIN This particular guy is the best. The best there ever was. Almost as if she knows who. Cruz shakes his head... CRUZ Popping the frame would trigger the alarm. She smiles. First time. Even at one-tenth power, it is dazzling light. She touches the panel before her... GIN (gently) I wrote a program and ran it, Dumbo. The live feed is replaced by a red-outlined rotating three- dimensional DIAGRAM of the living room. The alarm box glows green. One window pane glows lavender. She touches the panel, and the window SHATTERS, the alarm instantly emits a PIERCING SCREECH. Reset. As he watches. This time the window SLIDES AWAY into thin air. No sound. A stick figure appears, crawls through the opening, and the alarm begins the slow BEEP we heard last night. Cruz just stares. GIN Here's how I figured it out... Live feed replaces the diagram. Our camera ZOOMS toward a VASE of lilies by the window. All the flowers are tilted in one direction. Over the lip of the vase, away from the window. GIN No one arranges flowers like that. It was the draft from the window. He turns to her. CRUZ You said. This particular guy. Now she is beaming. Excited. And just above a whisper... GIN Andrew MacDougal. Delighted at his stupefied reaction. CRUZ Why not Houdini? Or Pretty Boy Floyd? Maybe Jesus Christ. GIN Because they couldn't do it. His slow smile. This fucking kid. CRUZ He's been out of the business. For ten years. GIN Maybe not. No one ever proved, hell, even arrested him, for stealing anything. But we all know he was numero ichiban for thirty years. Why not forty? She's serious. CRUZ Why? Because of the Bozo switch? Guys have been copying his pack- rat signature for decades. Maybe the thief wanted it to look like MacDougal. She doesn't even answer. Just touches her panel, and one of the data screens BLOWS UP to huge size. It is... GIN A list of his private collection. Complete to three acquisitions last Thursday. Names SCROLLING up endlessly, next to titles, descriptions, estimated retail and black market values. Turner, Corot, Thomas Coles, DeKooning, Klimt, Cezannes, Odilon Redon, Braques, Mary Cassatt... CRUZ No Vermeer. Nothing close. GIN Don't be a putz. This is his legitimate collection, which he buys. Presentable for any search warrant surprise party. Names keep rolling, Degas, Paul Klee. Amazing. GIN What he rips off, he fences. And the money feeds his portfolio of investments, which are daring, savvy, and obscenely succesf... CRUZ Oh, I get it. He has no interest in Vermeers, so that proves he stole one. By that logic, he oughta be a suspect most of the time. She shakes her head, sadly. GIN You love to embarrass yourself. Touches her panel. The big screen now shows a grainy VIDEOTAPE of... GIN The auction. Where our client bought the painting... We see the Great Room of an English Country estate. Perhaps a hundred attend. Genteel to the max. GIN (O.S.) Ashcroft Hall, Buckinghamshire, four weeks ago. The tape PANS five PAINTINGS on the block. We recognize our VERMEER, the city of Delft, the canal, the bridge. The view PULLS BACK to include the crowd, and... FREEZES. One tiny section is circled. And BLOWS UP twenty feet. high, so blurry as to be unrecognizable. Then, SNAPS to amazing resolution. The image of... GIN (O.S., murmur) Anyone we know? ...ANDREW MacDOUGAL, perhaps 60, as charismatic and shamelessly virile a face as one can recall. Etched with character and worldly experience, lit by a twinkle behind the razor-keen gaze. Tall, wide shoulders, massive hands. This guy would be more fun to fuck than fight. By a lot. CRUZ So he was there. GIN Staking it out. Why bid, when you can mark the buyer, and jack it within the month? She leans WAY back in the molded chair. Lifts her long legs up onto the console. They end in slender bare feet. The toes wriggle. GIN At this moment, he is winging on JAL flight 307 to Narita, ostensibly to attend a prestigious auction at the Hotel Akura, which will include a mixed media collage/oil by Georges Braques, on which he supposedly has his eye. CRUZ But you know better. GIN Bet your ass. At Vegas odds. Touches the panel. The big screen now holds three faces, three names. GIN (O.S.) Research reveals three known fences, still at large, who are believed to have brokered Vermeers to black market buyers. Sandrine Palmer is hospitalized in Malta with ovarian cancer. One face and name disappears. Two remain. KOICHI NARUHITO. HIROYUKI YAMAJI. GIN The other two. Live in Tokyo. A tiny, dry, adorable, shrug. Which says, bingo. CRUZ And you did all this since 4:30 this morning. Grinning small at each other. She can't help that hers is hot. She never can. CRUZ (murmur) Plus. You were polite to a stranger. One of those moments when his attraction to her is too obvious to ignore. Best to defuse by pretending it's a joke... GIN (soft and playful) Sounds like you're sorry you're already a friend. Said as banter between pals. Which doesn't make her wrong. INT. HOTEL OKURA, TOKYO - NIGHT Auction in progress in the huge traditional LOBBY, where bonsai trees, paper lanterns and elaborate painted screens counterpoint the sleek, international, big-money crowd. Everyone milling, drinking, schmoozing, networking in a babble of languages, as up on the raised platform... ...the AUCTIONEER has a new piece on the block, a 6th Century temple scroll, from the Asuka period. It is exquisite, and bidding seems to be big time, from the rapidly escalating numbers on the overhead DIGITAL DISPLAY, which reveals bidding status in thirty currencies simultaneously. As we PAN the hall, we see... ...all non-Asians either wearing headphones, or acompanied by personal translators at their elbow, to follow the rapid-fire auctioneer. Except one. ANDREW MacDOUGAL stands alone in black tie. Tall and rugged and polished and focused, and, well, pretty gorgeous. He is bidding on the scroll, indicated only by subtle gestures with his program and the repeated finger-stabs of the auctioneer in our direction. WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S., subtitled Japanese) Don't do it. PULL BACK slightly to reveal Gin, who has stepped to his shoulder. She is barely recognizable to us in her satiny slip of a pale golden gown that drapes her frame perfectly. Breathtaking would be an insult. MacDougal doesn't turn, doesn't seem to even hear her. Just raises his program to up the bid. GIN (softly, subtitled Japanese) You're already over value. By 15 percent. And now he turns. Straight to her eyes. This is NOT an admiring glance at seeing the loveliest woman in the Northern Hemisphere. It is a look that says, in the most understated terms, shut up or I'll kill you. She shuts up. His glance goes to his obvious bidding RIVAL, a rather butch middle-aged Chinese woman in an embroidered version of a Mao suit. She indicates her bid by gesturing with a tiny Yorkshire Terrier, whom she holds in her stubby hands. MacDougal raises back. GIN (subtitled Japanese) Will you stop being stubborn for one sec... And stops. Because he has turned. With the eyes of a lion. Being pulled from an antelope carcass. MAC (quietly, subtitled Japanese) I have a question. Rich Scottish voice. Impeccable Japanese intonation. GIN (brightly, subtitled Japanese) Who the fuck am I? MAC (subtitled Japanese) That is of no interest. Oh. In spite of herself, she looks a little hurt. GIN (subtitled Japanese) What, then? MAC (subtitled Japanese) Why. Are we speaking. Japanese? Her eyes move across his formidable face. GIN Uh. I'm showing off. His eyes scan the length of her gown. Her body. MAC Something of a habit? She is minus a comeback. MAC You know the alleged value of this piece from some fucking computer, which has no clue of the price I can turn the scroll around for in 30 minutes. A beat. GIN No, you can't. He blinks. No? GIN (really sorry) It's sold. His great head WHIPS around to see Madame Mao KISSING her pooch, flushed with victory. He stares for a long moment, a veneer of philosophical almost masking his rage. When he turns back... MAC Are you a confederate of my adversaries? Or are you just stupid. And walks. Away. HOLD on her. Feeling like both. EXT. HOTEL OKURA - NIGHT Mac among the guests awaiting their cars, standing slightly apart. From behind him... ...a feminine throat clears. Nervously. He closes his eyes for a beat. Then, turns. GIN (softly) How about. If I try humility. And presents a business card to him with both hands, Japanese- style. Mac looks in her eyes. Takes the card with both hands. Reads... MAC Virginia Romay... GIN Gin, actually, Gin Romay. I was named after a card game. MAC Or a cheap cocktail. She blinks. His brows raise... MAC (softly) As in. I'll have a Gin Romay, please. With a twist. That laser, unsmiling stare. Beyond sexy. She gets lost in it for a beat. GIN You're supposed to be charming. MAC I'm supposed to be selective. Glances back to her card. Reads... MAC Art and Antiquities Acquisition Advisor, how alliterative... Looks up. Still no smile. MAC And am I the antiquity? GIN In mint condition. She sighs. Achingly lovely. GIN Look, I've studied you, I know... pretty much...everything. Do you. GIN Made your first millions selling scrap metal. Then, gold mining concessions, gems, art, and lately strategic metals for new technologies - platinum, zirconium, titanium... MAC You said. Everything. Huh? Oh. GIN The cat burglar stories? Why would anyone...with so much to lose...take those kinds of risks? Guileless smile. GIN You'd have to be. Stupid. A held beat. His glance lifts beyond her shoulder. MAC Excuse me. And walks off toward a sleek custom TOURING CAR just pulling up. She goes after him. GIN I didn't know Porsche made things like this. MAC Well, they don't... Tipping the valet. Sliding in... MAC ...as a rule. Shutting the door. Through the open window, she hands something from her bag. A plastic rectangle which OPENS into a slide viewer. She presses the light ON. He looks at the slide. GIN Recognize that? No reaction. GIN My seller is in Shinjuku, we can go there tonight. She leans closer. GIN He wants 4.6 million. I can get it for three. He hands it back. Looks in her eyes. MAC No, you can't. And TAKES OFF. Her jaw drops slightly, but in one fluid motion... She's hailed a cab. INT. IMPERIAL HOTEL BAR - LATER Graceful, timeless room, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright in the '20s. Burnished. Elegant. Way cool. A place to drink, to deal, to dream. PAN down the polished surface of the bartop, til we come to... ...a tropical DRINK. Cute little umbrella, tilted back toward the room. ROTATE ANGLE to see... ...INSIDE the umbrella, something small, something mechanical. A woman's HAND ADJUSTS the point of the umbrella ever so slightly, and we PAN UP her arm to see... ...Gin. Still in her gown. She is reading, with half-glasses, and one of the bows curls around her ear, which we CLOSE on to hear... ...static. Gin adjusts the drink umbrella, which is a directional mike, and hears... MAC (O.S.) ...only it's not bloody football! SNAP to Mac's table, well across the room. Drinking giant beers with a large, really fat Japanese guy in a costly; if wrinkled, suit. The hulk listens with stone attention to Mac's rant, as if he actually gave a shit. MAC (O.S.) ...it's just that crap Americans call 'football', like you could call your ass a butterscotch scone and have it be one! The guy nods seriously. Maybe he's a Sumo dude. MAC Why you'd want to bring that foolishness to Japan, you're just pissing your investment down a bungee hole. SUMO GUY (major accent) You got Cubano this trip? That he does. Mac pulls out a leather cigar holder, and passes it over. Flat against one side is an ENVELOPE, which Sumo Guy PALMS skillfully, slipping it seamlessly INTO his pocket as he withdraws a small MATCH BOX. Takes out one long cigar, lights up... MAC Seriously, put the money into pharmaceuticals or prostitution, something stable. The big guy pushes the cigar holder and match box back toward Mac. Opening the box, Mac sees one match and a small MICROCHIP fastened to the cardboard. Lights up. Slides the match box in his pocket. MAC Garbage, perhaps. Or industrial plastics. ANGLE...Gin still engrossed in her reading. A figure leans down next to her. She startles, slightly. So surprised to see... MAC My favorite thing in life. Coincidence. She gives him the great smile. GIN I'm staying here, what's your excuse? And now he smiles. First time ever. A little chilling, the way he does it. MAC Staying here, as well. You are in room...? GIN (half a beat) One thirty-eight. In one motion, he flags the bartender... MAC Will you send a half-bottle of Chateau d'Yquem '67 to Room 138, please? And some berries and chocolates for the lady to enjoy it with. He presses some currency into the barkeep's hand. Turning back... MAC Actually, I was just across the room, dickering with a gentleman over the purchase of an interesting Spitzweg. Until I determined the painting was apparently stolen... Oh. She's shocked. He agrees... MAC Goes against my grain. The DeKooning in your slide, the 4.6 million you can get for 3. Can you get it for 2 and a half? She looks in his eyes. GIN Sure. And as if he believed her... MAC My checkbook is in my safe. You wait here. His smile evaporates. He is gone before she can say... GIN Okay. I'll wait here. INT. CAR, SHINJUKU DISTRICT - NIGHT Mac driving in silence. Gin stealing glances at him. Suddenly and smoothly, he reaches down, and picks up... GIN That's my purse. He opens it. One eye on the road, he begins to rummage... MAC Just want to see if I'm with the person you say you are. Can't be too caref... She SNATCHES the bag away from him, he GRABS it back, the car SWERVES LEFT, and... ...CRASHES VIOLENTLY into a parked pure white Bentley. Metal BUCKLES and TEARS, both ALARMS go OFF, a cacophony of horrific NOISE. MAC (quietly) Oh, dear. People come RUNNING, but our focus is drawn to the refined elderly COUPLE who were just returning to their precious Bentley. Their WAILS and ANGUISH would be suitable if all their grandchildren had been crushed beneath Mac's wheels. Mac and Gin are OUT of the car. As he exits, Mac has palmed a small BLADE, and in a quick unseen motion, RIPPED a jagged tear in his left trouser leg. The old couple RUSH to Mac, SHRIEKING their rage and grief in Japanese, Gin is trying to calm them as bystanders gather, but Mac cuts through... MAC (subtitled Japanese) We'll go in there, and call the police. And HOBBLES off toward the nearest building, a block-square 30-story skyscraper bearing the name FUJITSU. The couple, the crowd, all race after the limping Mac... GIN Are you all right? No answer, he looks dark enough to rain. INTO the public lobby of the huge industrial complex. Two night GUARDS come hurrying from their desk, as the small mob POURS in. Mac in the lead, a commanding presence, tells the guards in a loud, clear voice... MAC (subtitled Japanese) I have damaged the car of these kind people. Please help them call the police... One guard leads the hysterical couple toward a phone. Mac pulls up his trouser leg, and Gin GASPS to see a bloody GASH. Mac drops the trouser back over the wound. Asks the remaining guard... MAC (subtitled Japanese) May I use a washroom, please. The guard nods absently, disoriented by the chaos. Mac hands his billfold to Gin... MAC These are my papers, passport, car registration. If the police arri... GIN You're going to need stitches, let me get you to a hospital. Soft words, genuine concern. And his eyes flicker. As if somehow seeing her for the first time. A small spark, but she feels it. Softer still... GIN Really, this can all wait. I'll handle it. The look holds. MAC That's actually. Very sweet. His first real smile. It was worth waiting for. MAC (to a guard, subtitled Japanese) Might you have a First Aid kit, of some kind? INT. TOILET STALL We are inside an empty, closed, Japanese-style toilet stall. Porcelain foot rests. A hole. The door BURSTS OPEN, and... ...Mac enters FAST with the First Aid kit, locking the door, hitting the STOPWATCH on his wrist, which begins counting at ZERO. He pulls UP his trouser leg, revealing the bloody gash, and simply... ...RIPS the entire wound OFF, the rubbery prosthetic wound DANGLES, dripping its phony blood. Mac pulls gauze strips from the kit, SOAKS them in bogus gore, expertly WRAPS his leg, then FLUSHES the prosthetic DOWN the hole. He pulls off the FUJITSU VISITOR badge clipped to his lapel, and from a Ziploc bag slides a small sheet of plastic, which he PRESSES to the face of the badge, fitting perfectly, turning the badge into... ...an EMPLOYEE I.D., the name KAWAKUBO, M., the PHOTO of a surly Japanese male. Quickly, Mac takes out the MATCH BOX from the hotel bar, and with a fine tweezers gently removes the MICROCHIP, placing it INSIDE the badge, activating it with a soft BEEP-BEEP. He reaches now... ...behind his back, up UNDER his tux jacket, and RIPS FREE a tightly-compressed PACK of what seems white paper or cloth. He SNAPS it loose, revealing it to be... ...a baggy CLEAN SUIT, not unlike hospital scrubs and falling to the floor... ...a white HOOD. With opaque tinted VISOR. INT. SECURITY CORRIDOR Mac in his clean suit and opaque-visored hood at an elevator marked CLEARED PERSONNEL ONLY in English and Kanji (Japanese characters). He holds his badge to the SCANNER, the door PINGS and slides OPEN.. INT. PREP ROOM ENTRANCE, 29TH FLOOR Mac emerging from his elevator at the entrance to an AIR-LOCK with sign CLEAN ROOM - CLASS 10. Holds his badge to the SCANNER, the air-lock door lights FLASH froin red to yellow to green. He enters... ...the PREP ROOM. Recorded VOICES purr safety instructions in Japanese, while Mac stands, being bombarded by air shower, chemical sprayer, blinding UV light. The next air-lock OPENS. He enters... INT. CLEAN ROOM ...a long ASSEMBLY LINE, where ROBOT ARMS work on a stream of black SILICON WAFERS, which pass along a clear Lexan CONVEYOR BELT. The wafers move through various airtight CHAMBERS, exposing them to multi-colored gasses, cyan, sodium yellow, magenta, etc., as part of the microchip manufacturing process. More than a dozen TECHNICIANS in their hooded clean suits watch over every phase of the work, attached to the walls by grounding wires and air hoses, which create a deafening NOISE. Mac simply hooks himself up, and saunters straight THROUGH the area, toward the place where the conveyor belt with its newly-processed MICROCHIPS... ...DISAPPEARS through the wall. Nearby, a HATCH is built into the same wall, and Mac calmly CLANKS it OPEN, squeezing through into... ...a dimly-lit MAINTENANCE BAY. Panels of switches, wires, fuses, fans, air cleaners. Maximum claustrophobia, as Mac CLANGS the hatch SHUT behind him, looking instantly to... ...an OVERHEAD HATCH with letters in Kanji and English, DANGER ARGON GAS. Mac THROWS back his hood, YANKS out his mini oxygen pouch, fits the slender forked breathing tube into his nostrils, and slips on thick round infrared GOGGLES that make him look like a refugee from 12 MONKEYS. No time to lose... ...up THROUGH the overhead hatch, closing it behind him as he enters... ...the conveyer TUBE, a horizontal Lexan cylinder three feet in diameter, filled with billowing red gas. Mac stretches out on his belly, glancing up to where the clear conveyor belt, with its precious cargo of microchips, runs along just above his head in eerie red light. He begins to... ...shimmy, crawl, squirm along the length of the tube. Gas too thick to see the end. He is agile as a commando, hauling ass, when suddenly... ...the floor beneath his tube FALLS AWAY, and he is crawling in space 29 stories above Tokyo, as his tube spans the distance between manufacturing and shipping structures. He goes faster, HARDER... INT. MICROCHIP VAULT A black chamber. We can scarcely make out the endless rows of shelving, the air purifying equipment, the conveyor belt entering through its air lock, as machinery folds each priceless microchip in foil wrappers, stacks them on shelves. Through the gasket... ...Mac TUMBLES into view, swinging himself neatly DOWN to the floor, and in a single motion, he is already FLASHING a neon-green pen light along the shelves of microchips. We see now the wrappers are different colors, with different Kanji characters, and Mac is definitely looking for something special, until... ...he's found it. A single row, 35 chips, nothing special from here, but Mac... ...WHIPS out something coiled, SNAPS it to full length, revealing a strip of shiny black SATIN CLOTH. Three feet long, little more than an inch wide. Carefully, Mac lays the strip down directly OVER the row of microchips. And when he lifts it UP again... ...the chips have ADHERED to the underside of the cloth. In one deft SNAP of his wrist, he COILS the cloth again, like a yo-yo. Turns to leave, and... Oh, yeh. Tosses a small SACK of something where the chips used to be. TIM'S CASCADE BRAND POTATO CHIPS. SEA SALT AND VINEGAR FLAVOR. INT. CLEAN ROOM Mac exiting from the maintenance hatch back into the Clean Room. No one sees, no one cares. Hooking up once again, he ambles toward a door clearly marked EXIT ONLY TO EMPLOYEE LOUNGE - RETURN ONLY THROUGH SECURITY AREA. By the door is an employee notice tacked to the wall. He pretends to scan it. A stack of flyers. He takes one. Exiting into... INT. EMPLOYEE LOUNGE Past a changing area, vending machines, guys bullshitting. Mac just strolling along, reading his flyer, as... A hand. Touches his shoulder VOICE (subtitled Japanese) Excuse me. Mac turns, stares through his opaque VISOR at a well-built SECURITY OFFICER. Dead straight eyes. OFFICER (subtitled Japanese) The company picnic. Saturday or Sunday? His eyes cut to the flyer Mac is 'reading'. Mac hands it to him, and without a trace of Scottish accent... MAC (subtitled Japanese) Better eat first. INT. GUEST LOBBY Gin is up to her ears in grief. There are no less than five COPS grilling her, taking notes, while the old couple has their second wind and are SHRIEKING in top form. The bystander gallery has grown to maybe three dozen, and they're all getting their word in. As Gin struggles to cope... ...she keeps looking at the clock. Darting glances toward the corridor. She is freaking out. Finally. She can't stand it. Hands Mac's billfold to one of the cops, pushes her way through the mob, and... ...TAKES OFF down the corridor, a security guard in belated pursuit, we go... ...WITH her DOWN the hallway, WHEEL around a corner, flat-out SPRINTING, SKIDS to a stop at the right doorway and BURSTS INTO... INT. MEN'S ROOM An empty washroom. She listens. Nothing. GIN Mr. MacDougal? Sir? No sound. Uh-oh. GIN Uh. Mr. Ma... MAC (O.S., from the stall) Just 'Mac'. And whatever became of a gentleman's privacy? The security guard BARGES IN. MAC (O.S.) My God, more females? The guard starts railing at Gin a mile a minute. She calmly takes a WAD of bills from her purse. Hands them to the guy... GIN (subtitled Japanese) Stand outside. That door. Two minutes... He does. Alone again. GIN I was worried, it's been twenty... MAC (O.S.) Eighteen, actually. The leg is fine, but I got sort of...woozy. GIN Woozy. MAC (O.S.) Lost my stomach once or twice. CUT INSIDE the stall. He is just re-taping the folded clean suit and hood to the small of his back. MAC I'm an old man. You probably noticed. Awkward silence. He smiles at that, much amused. Slips on his jacket. MAC You should see me without my teeth. UNLOCKS the door. Remembers... MAC Ah. Mustn't forget to zip up. That's not what he forgot. He pulls OUT the coiled black satin cloth strip, SNAPS it free, microchips snug to the underside. And fits it neatly... ...DOWN his trouser leg. The perfect tuxedo stripe. OUT the door. To meet her gaze. MAC Odd place, this. He goes to her. Offers his arm. MAC What do you suppose they make here? Video recorders? She takes it, wrapping both hers through. GIN Microchips, I think, for computers. He opens the door. Ushers her through... MAC Bad investment. The best ones are here today... Follows her out... MAC (O.S.) Gone tomor... Closed door. Quiet. INT. CAB, NIHONBASHI DISTRICT - NIGHT They sit together in the rear of the taxi, as it makes its way through late night traffic. She is looking around. GIN This isn't the way to my sel... MAC (quietly) I've changed my mind. Looking straight ahead. Contemplative. She stares at his profile... GIN Mind telling me why? MAC You can't get it for me at 2.5, can you? GIN Well, we can tr... MAC You were setting me up. The correct price is 2.8. You conspire with the seller to start at 4.6, so I'll be grateful when you 'bargain' him down to three. Close enough to fool some people. unfortunately... He sighs. Never looks at her. MAC I'm old. I know what everything is worth. She keeps staring. GIN So where are we g... MAC I am going to the airport. You are going on to the rest of your life. Which... He thinks. Admits... MAC ...should be interesting. Her turn to think. GIN You forgot your lugg... MAC The hotels deal with that. The things I need are always waiting at the next one. (afterthought) I don't carry. Baggage. Little twist on that. GIN Sensible. And you're off to...? MAC Oh, that's highly personal. He still stares straight ahead. The taxi pulls onto a freeway. Toward Narita Airport. Time running out. And in her dearest, most vulnerable, voice... GIN I did so hope to impress you. She puts the fingertips of her left hand. On his chest. A silence. No reaction. GIN (hopeful) I'm still hoping... And he smiles. Turns to her eyes. MAC Young lady. I am old enough to be your grandfather. She shakes her head. Uh-uh. GIN (soft) My father. Leans her mouth in for the kill. GIN (whisper) That's part of the rush. And softly. Fits her mouth to his. The green eyes close, as she tastes him. Nothing predatory in this kiss. It is tender, exquisite. A kiss of deep longing. Of true love. His arms slip around her. And in less than five seconds... TAXI DRIVER (O.S., racist accent) Still on fo' airport? Nobody. Says. Nothin'. INT. MAC'S SUITE - LATE NIGHT A small bottle. An ornate label. Chateau d'Yquem '67. Gin lifts it from the table, studies the label. She wears only a man's oversized t-shirt. Our rotating ANGLE reveals the empty bed, tangled sheets. Gin looks pretty rumpled herself. She lifts the bottle, two glasses, a plateful of chocolates and strawberries, and goes to the sliding glass door overlooking... ...the TERRACE. Mac sits on a futon at the balcony railing, overlooking downtown Tokyo. He wears a thin Japanese robe called a yukata, and is wrapped in half of a huge down COVERLET from the bed. The other half obviously waiting for... GIN Here. A reward. She curls down into the billowing coverlet, just against his body. Sets her things beside him. MAC A reward for what? GIN For not being old. After all. It is a lovely smile. He studies it for a beat. MAC You mean. Not as old as I look. She traces her finger along his cheek. GIN (a whisper) Yeh. And kisses him. It takes awhile. She seems to enjoy it. With him, it's harder to tell. When she pulls back... ...he picks up a chocolate. Tears it in half. Offers her the larger piece. GIN Do I deserve a reward? No answer. He puts the chocolate into her mouth. With great tenderness, he traces the line of her lower lip. As she swallows. GIN It's so hard to find good casual sex, anymore. I'm probably out of practice. But he just looks at her. MAC What's hard to find. Is someone you truly want to be with. And leans closer. Just above a whisper... MAC Even for awhile. He kisses her. Beautiful and deep, the way he does it. And when he pulls back, she is staring at him. As if at a loss for something to say. GIN It's lucky we stopped by my room, for the wine. She swallows. Because his gaze is unrelenting. As if not forgetting that she's changed the subject. GIN Otherwise, we'd never have found my bag was stolen. Until tomorrow. MAC Would that make it more stolen? She smiles. His face looks kind now, not formidable at all. Maybe she's wondering if she actually likes him. GIN They even got my prescriptions. MAC Something you need? There are all-night chemists... He does look concerned. And therefore sweet. She kisses his nose. GIN I take Prilosec. For stomach acid. And an inhaler. For asthma. She gets her old smile. The soft, wicked tease. GIN But since I didn't have to work all that hard tonight... He stares at her. Cocks a finger, like a gun, right between her eyes. Pantomimes pulling the trigger. GIN (softly) Ouch. I had that coming. She pivots, and snuggles her back comfortably into his chest. He wraps strong arms around her. Pulling her close. GIN Why would someone steal my luggage? Every guest in this place must have more than a wannabe art dealer. MAC Ah. Maybe the thief thought you had something valuable in there. Something in the tone. GIN Such as... MAC Well. Wannabe dealers make excellent fences. A flicker. In her eyes. And she cuddles back. As if enjoying the humor. GIN He thought I had a stolen painting. In my bag. MAC I'm joking, of course. Kisses the top of her head. MAC The Vermeer wouldn't fit. Her eyes widen. Just a little. GIN Excuse me? MAC Why, did you do something wrong? She turns all the way around. Their faces are inches apart. Each reading the other's eyes. GIN You said. Vermeer. MAC The most famous painting stolen this week. His turn. To kiss her nose. MAC If you don't keep up on your craft. You'll miss all the jokes. And lowers her gently onto her back. Still staring in her eyes, he winds her legs around him. Her mouth parts, but... ...he fills it with his own. This conversation. Is over. INT. MAC'S SUITE - MORNING VIEW of the empty terrace, the rumpled, twisted coverlet. Maybe they spent all night. HEAR the shower running full blast in a distant bathroom. PULL BACK to see... Gin, hair wet, wrapped in a plush hotel robe, rapidly and expertly going through dresser, night stand, closet, sofa cushions, every goddam thing in the room. She comes to... ...Mac's tux. The jacket, rifles the pockets, pats the lining. The pants now... ...something peculiar. The right leg has no stripe. Touches the cloth. Slightly sticky where the stripe should be. Odd. ANGLE...the bathroom. Shower running full BLAST. But there's no one in it. ANGLE...a storage closet. Mac crouching in the smallspace. We see the travel bag. The luggage tag, VIRGINIA ROMAY, a Darien, Connecticut address. The embossed initials VR. But there is something else in Mac's hand... ...a prescription bottle. Prilosec. And a name, GINGER BAKER. Chicago address. Mac puts the pills in the pocket of his robe... ...exits the closet. Locks the door. ANGLE...Mac ambling into the bedroom, toweling his hair with one hand. Holding his billfold in the other. Gin is starting a room service breakfast. Eggs, sausage, Belgian waffles. The girl can eat. MAC I'm so glad I didn't leave Tokyo. She looks up. Trademark dry grin... GIN I love a guy who knows how to sweet talk. He stands over her. Smiling. What he meant was... MAC There was a call. While you were sleeping. A call. MAC An art dealer I know. He has a Monet. Minor, but it is Giverny. He'll let me have it for 5.3 million. She stares at him. GIN (cautiously) We can maybe beat that. MAC (pulling plastic from his billfold) I agree. This is a bank debit card. It gives the bearer access to an account containing 4.6 and change. I dislike round numbers. And hand. the card to her. As her eyes move over it... MAC I'd like you to go down there, and pick up the painting. If that's all right. Without looking up... GIN Me. MAC If I'm there, he'll haggle. You just hand him the debit card, with that...luminous smile. And say, take it or leave it. Now her eyes come up. She says nothing. Hesitant. MAC Oh, dear. I thought you so wanted to make a good impression. GIN Thought I already did th... MAC And along with making an excellent impression. You will also make 2 percent of the purchase price. She blinks. MAC That's $92,000. And change.. For two hours work. The look holds. He goes to the desk. Lifts a cellular phone. TOSSES it to her. MAC Any problems. Just give me a ring. GIN Stolen painting is it? MAC Of course not. And on his way out the door... MAC If it was. I wouldn't pay more than three. EXT. WHARF, YOKOHAMA - DAY Gin climbing out of a taxi at a scruffy section of Yokohama's Bund. Sleazy shops, pachinko parlors, hostess bars, sidewalk noodle counters, all built along a tall rickety PIER nearly thirty feet above the pounding surf. The harbor is gigantic. Every type and size of vessel imaginable. Gin carries a long neoprene-covered tube with watertight seals and a lightweight bright orange foam cover. She looks at her slip of paper. Then across at the place...KENDO SOUVENIRS, a schlock kickback parlor, with a tourist bus parked out front. This can't be right. Pulls out the cellular phone. Dials. MAC'S RECORDED VOICE (O.S.) You have reached the voice-mail of AMD Investments. And, yes, you are at the right place. Fucking great. GIN (into phone, pissed) I like men with a sense of humor. This does not qualify. SNAPS the phone shut. Checks the slip again. Walks firmly across the street, through the mobs of tourists, and into... INT. KENDO SOUVENIRS - DAY The place is huge, ramshackle, loaded with every piece of tourist crap imaginable. The only paintings on display are renderings of big cats on black velvet. She winds her way through, to a counter at the back. One guy there... GIN (subtitled Japanese) May I please speak with Mr. Okati. OKATI You doin' it. The best we can say for the pudgy, balding fellow in the Hawaiian shirt and spectacularly baggy trousers, is that he does not seem to be the guy who is selling you a Monet. Even a minor one. GIN I think there's some mista... OKATI You from Mac? She stops. Jesus. The guy COUGHS horribly. GIN I'm from Mac. OKATI Lemme see card. She hesitates. OKATI Four million, six hundred thirteen thousand, five hundred? Wow. He slaps his hand on the table. Lay it down, toots. GIN You first. He shrugs. Lifts straight up, from beneath the counter... ...a brown paper-wrapped rectangle. Not much larger than two feet square. She can't even believe she's here, doing this. Gestures to him. Open it up! He obliges, COUGHING grossly all the while. Unwrapped, the painting does look like a Monet. From here. She stares at it. GIN Now bring me the real one. He doesn't blink. OKATI This as real as it gets, lady. And from within her pocket. The cellular RINGS. She takes it out. Puts it to her ear. MAC (O.S.) You got it? GIN (into phone) Is this an audition, a joke, or a rip-off? I'm staring at an obvious forgery, here. MAC (O.S.) Turn it over. This gives her pause. Then, cradling the phone against her shoulder, she does as she's told. To see... MAC (O.S.) Is there an envelope? Taped to the back? In a Ziploc bag? Sure is. GIN (into phone) Uh-huh. MAC (O.S.) Detach the bag. Read what's in it. Aloud. She does. Carefully unfolding several sheets of paper, maps... GIN (reading into phone) Shikoku Naru, a freighter, it says, Yokohama to Jakarta...dates, statistics...specs on some kind of machine, diag... MAC (O.S.) Papers back in the envelope, envelope back in the Ziploc, very quickly, without seeming to hurry... Her eyes are flickering questions, but she does as she's told, cradling the phone with her shoulder. MAC (O.S.) Now take the debit card from your purse, slipping the Ziploc into the purse as you do it, shielding the move from everyone in the room but Okati. And she does. More deftly than we could ever have imagined. Like a pro. MAC (O.S., quietly) Give him the card. A beat. GIN (into phone) Mac, the painting's a forg... MAC (O.S., even quieter) This is a test. Of whether you'll still be alive four minutes from now. Do you hear me? Her face freezes. In a pleasant smile. GIN (into phone) Yes, Mac, I do. MAC (0.5.) Now. Hand him the card, and tell him in Japanese to pretend he is checking it by phone. Tell him to take awhile, as if he's on hold. She turns the sweet plastic smile to Okati. Hands him the card... GIN (subtitled Japanese) Mac says, pretend you're checking this by phone, and take your ti... OKATI (subtitled Japanese) ...like I'm on hold, sure. And suddenly, his eyes are keen and quick, and he is no longer some schmuck in baggy pants. He takes the card, stares at it comically, picks up the phone. MAC (O.S.) While he's checking, look around the room casually, as if searching for the cheesy handbags... She begins to. MAC (O.S.) All the while laughing, as if you are chatting with someone you actually like. GIN (into phone) I'm not that good. But she is. And she laughs, as she strolls over to the cheesy handbags. MAC (O.S.) As you're looking around, do you notice any m... GIN (into phone) Three guys, two together, one alone. Cheap suits, not looking at me in a cop-casual way. MAC (O.S.) Call out cheerily to Okati, in English, 'Where's the toilet?' GIN (into phone) Can I say, 'little girl's room'? A beat. MAC (O.S.) Wing it. GIN (calls out, cheerily) WHERE'S THE CRAPPER? Okati, absorbed by his make-believe phone call, points around the back. MAC (O.S.) Get going. Now. GIN (into phone, as she saunters) Mac, the painting isn't... MAC (O.S.) You've got what we bought, are you out of their sight? She turns the corner. Filthy corridor. Restrooms at opposite ends. MAC (O.S.) Run into the men's toilet. I know you know how. A beat of uncertainty. She looks both ways. MAC (O.S., ominous) Are you running? And she DOES. SPRINTING down the garbage-strewn hallway, throws OPEN the men's room door, BURSTING IN on... ...a wispy OLD GUY taking a leak through a HOLE in the floor. GIN (subtitled Japanese) GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! The panicked little man STARTLES. Bolts OUT the door. MAC (O.S.) Jump. Jump? HEAR now, from the corridor, footfalls POUNDING. She looks down through the piss hole. The surf ROILS thirty feet below. GIN (into phone) It's too small. MAC (O.S.) The window, twit! Oh. She hops OVER the disgusting hole, boosts herself UP to the small window, footfalls racing CLOSER, HOISTS herself HALFWAY through, DROPPING the phone a scary 30 feet to the surf below, as behind her, the door... ...SLAMS OPEN and she FLIES OUT the window... GIN SHIIIIIIIIIIT... WITH her in SLO-MO, kicking and flailing and grasping her shoulder bag, and she... HITS the ocean like a ton of bricks. Disappears. Comes up, sputtering in the swirling water, as from out of the shadows of the pilings... ...an engine ROARS to life, the BLUR of a custom JETSKI, Mac reaching to scoop the startled girl OUT of the water, and they... ...BLAST OFF, as bullets RAIN helplessly after them. The AGENTS shouting into their cellulars, racing in frustration down the pier, which rapidly vanishes behind us, as... ...Gin hangs onto Mac for dear life. This baby is REALLY hauling. He wears an orange waterproof slicker with matching trousers. Shouts back, against the noise... MAC ARE YOU PISSED OFF? She thinks. Admits, shouting in his ear... GIN ACTUALLY. IT'S INCREDIBLY COOL! He is heading into deep water, a major shipping channel, points to one side, and she sees... ...a huge HARBOR PATROL vessel FIRE UP in near distance. The chase is ON. They speed toward the WAKE of a luxury liner, and as she realizes... GIN OH NOOOOOO... They SLAM INTO the wake HEAD ON, and are AIRBORNE for an amazing distance, JOLTING back to the surface, RACING toward... ...two gigantic FREIGHTERS which approach each other from opposite directions. The Harbor Patrol in hot pursuit, BLASTING its HORN... GIN WE'RE GONNA DIE, AREN'T WE? MAC JUST AS SOON AS I'M READY! As we near the outbound freighter, Mac CUTS his speed. Now the Harbor Patrol is really gaining. GIN FASTER, NOT SLOWER, YOU TWIT!! MAC HAVE TO GIVE THEM A SPORTING CHANCE... Cruising STRAIGHT TOWARD the part side of the outbound freighter, as the inbound freighter begins to pass it on the far side... MAC ...SOMETHING WE SCOTS LEARNED FROM THE BRITS! As the Harbor Patrol is nearly ON them, Mac VEERS suddenly AROUND the stern of the outbound freighter, the Harbor patrol WHEELING madly to pursue, only to find we are both CAREENING straight AT... ...the starboard side of the inbound freighter, Mac CUTS his wheel in an adroit nearly right-angle SWERVE, and hears the SCREAMS as the Harbor patrol... PLOWS INTO the freighter! Wasting no time, he ACCELERATES into maximum BURN, STREAKING toward the immensely crowded harbor and its thousand vessels. Gin can't help but look back at the impressive crash site, mouthing a silent WOW. Nearing the harbor, Mac CUTS speed completely, drifting between two huge ships and... ...vanishing from sight. EXT. SMALL CHANNEL - DAY The tiny Jetski cruises in a quiet channel, crowded with vessels of all sizes, tugs, fishing boats, pleasure craft, junks, sampans, all larger than we are. Gin clings close to Mac, although it is no necessary. More like romantic. She is still flushed with the rush. GIN I guess you're gonna explain all this, huh? But he says nothing. Pulls out a water-tight duffle. Hands it back to her, without looking. MAC Dry clothes, you'll need them. In five minutes. She takes the bag, confused. GIN I'm supposed to change? Here?? MAC I won't look. Gentleman's word of hon... GIN There are a million sailors! MAC I've seen you naked. Give the boys a thrill. He means it. MAC You probably won't be dating any of them, so what the hell. Gin looks around as they float through the maze of watercraft. No one seems to be paying much attention. What the hell. She unzips the bag, pulling out... GIN (astonished) These...these are mine! He never looks around. MAC Found 'em in your room. Perhaps the thief wasn't your size. She stares at the back of his head. wondering. He is stripping off his slickers. A neatly-tailored SUIT beneath. MAC We have a business appointment. In four minutes. Okay. She pulls her dress off OVER her head. GIN Business, huh? She ignores some nearby WHISTLES and SHOUTS. Begins drying herself with a fluffy towel from the bag. MAC (never turns) Time has come to tell you. What business. I'm actually in. Uh-oh. Paydirt. GIN Uh. Am I gonna like th... MAC (quietly) I'm a thief. She can scarcely believe he's admitting this. MAC And now that I've told you. I'll have to kill you. He chuckles a Scottish chuckle. Cold and warm, at once. MAC Or... She slips the dry dress OVER her head. MAC ...you can spend the most interesting three weeks of your life. Training. GIN Training for wha... MAC ...followed by the most exciting night of your life. After which, you can walk away with 20 million untraceable dollars... She blinks. He means this. MAC ...which will come in handy. Things being what they are. He shrugs. MAC From now on. You can valet park. She begins taking off her wet underwear, underneath the dress. We suspect unseen hordes crestfallen at her modesty. GIN And if I refuse? MAC (very quietly) Don't. Please. GIN I mean, you won't really kill me, I'm far too adorable. He looks around at her. As if deciding on that. MAC Last night, at Fujitsu, I did some business. While you thought I was in the toilet. Jesus. GIN What could you possibly steal in 18 min... MAC Thirty-five super-microchips. Each worth one million dollars. And change. Staring dead at her eyes. GIN You hate round num... MAC I stole your suitcase when I left you at the bar. I have since sent it on to the States, with three chips, well hidden. Are you following? MAC Since you aren't there to claim it, the bag will sit at Customs. Safe. Unless... No smile. No smile at all. MAC They receive. An anonymous. Tip. Holy. Fucking. Christ. GIN That's entrapment. MAC No, entrapment is what cops do to robbers. We can feel her heart pounding from here. MAC Blackmail. Is what robbers do to schmucks. And leans. To kiss her mouth. MAC (softly) Even adorable ones. They have glided up beside the gangway of a gigantic FREIGHTER. It is at water level, the steps they use for their tender. He points up to the name... MAC Pop quiz. SHIKOKU MARU. She nods, slowly. Pulls the Ziploc bag from her purse. Hands it over. He removes the sheets of paper. Begins to peruse them... MAC Admit it's a rush. The best day of your heretofore drab life. GIN Fuck you. He glances up. GIN ...accompanied by related foreplay. And gives him the smile. What a gal. He offers his hand. She rises, hops lightly to the steps of the gangway in her bare feet. He pulls dry shoes from the duffle. And as she slips them on... ...he FLIPS a switch, and the Jetski begins to FILL with water, Mac stepping to the gangway beside her. They watch... ...the Jetski rapidly SINK out of sight. No evidence. A thorough guy. INT. FREIGHTER HOLD - DAY Mac and Gin stand inside a gigantic CARGO BAY, watching massive CONTAINERS being loaded by crane from a dock, through the gaping HATCH. The chamber is a vaulted cathedral of steel, painted hospital green, and Mac's eye moves over all of it, seeming to inspect every plate, every pan head rivet. VOICE (O.S., British cheer) Hullo, there! They turn to see a round little man with watering eyes and a very wide necktie, skipping-down the iron steps. Bursting with a salesman's bonhomie, he extends a plump hand... MAN Nickerson Carlsby, Mr... MacDuff, yes? MAC Banquo MacDuff. This is my associate-fiancee, Ms. Duncan. The little man pauses. A tic in the well-oiled smile... CARLSBY That is...fiancee and assoc... GIN (cheery herself) I'm a hyphenate. Ah. Like that makes complete sense. Fingers the gardenia in his lapel... CARLSBY Well, it's a pleasure, in this alien place, to do business with a countryman. MAC I'm a Scot. It's a different country. Culturally and historically. I see. CARLSBY (looking around) Well. They've brought you to quite the wrong place, I see. MAC (looking around) Thank God. ANGLE...Carlsby leads the way along a narrow catwalk, which ends at a steel door. He presses his thumb to the I.D. panel, and speaks into the voice box... CARLSBY (confidential code-voice) In Penny Lane, the barber shaves another customer... The door CLANGS open. They go through it, as a gangway leads toward an open five-foot-thick VAULT DOOR, where two ARMED GUARDS rise from their seats. Carlsby ignores them as if they were furniture. THUMPS the door... CARLSBY Five feet thick with hidden rein- forcements, no way to drill through! GIN (authoritative) Impressive. CARLSBY Only the tip of our security iceberg. See these two Brinks locks...? They do. CARLSBY The Captain keeps one key. The other is continually forwarded: to the Chief of Security at next port. There is no way to enter during voyage. GIN I like this. Carisby glances to Mac. He is stone. CARLSBY The best armed guard, rotated every six hours. A redundancy, of course, but we would rather be safe three times over than merely two. GIN Sound mathematics. MAC (very quiet) What if there's a fire? In the chamber. Ah. Carlsby leads them through the open door, into... ...the maximum-security HOLD. Primo. The steel coated with sleek, matte, black all-grip paint. Tubby points up... CARLSBY Sprinklers. New design. Incredible power. The entire chamber is water- proof, fireproof, airtight. If the ship sinks, God forfend, your cargo is secure for salvage. No reaction. Mac does not look convinced. CARLSBY And your cargo is...? MAC Wine. Wine. MAC The bloody Japs bought up half the premium clarets in the universe. You may have heard. Actually. He has. MAC I'm in charge of shipping some 14,000 bottles, most quite rare, to a number of premium hotels in Hong Kong, Bangkok, Singapore, Phuket, and Penang. Carlsby gets the romance of it all. MAC All of which are destinations on your October voyage. Five months from now. However... And turns to the man. With laser, disapproving eyes. MAC Wine. Doesn't prefer. To be jostled. The man beams. Gestures to a series of PLATFORMS, each SWAYING at different heights, in different directions. CARLSBY Our 'delicate treasure' platforms, suspended on gimbals. Your cargo remains unruffled by roiling seas. Then, on arrival, is plucked... Pointing once more... CARLSBY By that forklift, and gently deposited on dock through the cargo hatch... ...a huge circular hatch cut into the hull. Mac's eyes stare blankly at it. A long beat. He pronounces it all... MAC Adequate. I suppose. And then turns once more. MAC Did we see...a bathing pool. On deck? CARLSBY Oh, yes, sir. The Shikoku Maru carries sixteen luxury suite pas- senger cabins. The finest cuisine. For valued clients who prefer to cruise in privacy. Mac. Thinks this over. MAC Mildly. Interesting. INT. PASSENGER DECK - DAY Carlsby ushering the couple along a plushly-appointed hallway. A secret oasis of refinement in the heart of the massive freighter. He opens a burnished door, into... ...an elegant SUITE. Cherrywood panels, spacious windows with views of the harbor. The finest furnishings. It is breathtaking. Even... MAC Adequate. I suppose. GIN But dearest, in five months, we'll be in Cape Town. Mac pulls from his pocket the folded sheets that had once been taped to the back of Okati's Monet. Peruses them casually. MAC Anything sooner? That goes perhaps from...say, Sri Lanka? To Jakarta. And looks up. To a man dumbstruck. By coincidence. CARLSBY Why, yes. In three weeks. INT. CESSNA - DAY Looking DOWN on California's San Joaquin Valley from 12,000 feet, as air RUSHES past our open door. MAC (O.S.) You seem depressed. PULL BACK to see them both in jumping suits. He's checking her gear. She's eyeing the expansive grid of fields below. GIN At your insistence, I'm leaping to my death, and I don't know why! He clips a tether from his harness to hers. MAC Because. You're a greedy girl. GIN I'm not jumping until you talk about this, it's been two days! She folds her arms across her chest. Rebellious. He smiles at her tenderly. Nods, okay. GIN Why are we going in three weeks, if the wine is on a different route months lat... MAC There is no wine. That just bought us a look at their security. She stares at him. GIN I knew that. MAC What we want is on the boat in three weeks. Now can we jump? GIN The machine in those diagrams. on the back of the painting. Maybe. He's still smiling. GIN What does it do, make gold? MAC We're nearing the targ... GIN Why won't you trust me? MAC How do I know who you are, hmmn? Stares in her eyes. MAC For all I know, your name isn't Virginia Romay. Maybe you're a cop. She stares back. Dead straight. GIN Why would a cop do all th... MAC (softly) Entrapment, remember? What cops do to robbers. GIN (just as softly) Oh. That. His smile is light, affectionate. Gently, he backs her to the edge of the doorway... MAC One...two... She THROWS her arms around his neck. Holds him close. GIN Mac, I'm afraid. Vulnerable and touchingly real. His arms slide around her. GIN Of you. MAC (a murmur) Smart girl. And JUMPS, Gin SHRIEKING in his arms, as we... FOLLOW them, TUMBLING in FREE FALL, until he releases her, and bot EXTEND their arms and legs, as if flying, as if gliding face down, her shriek CONTINUING. He floats at the end of their tether, a few feet above her. And at last... ...her SCREAMING STOPS. We see the pure adrenaline rush. Shouts back... GIN NEXT TIME, I'M ON TOP! EXT. HILLTOP, MARIN COUNTY - DAY Woods, rolling hills, a dirt path. Mac stands by a sign at a crossroads, names, arrows, STINSON BEACH, BOLINAS, MT. TAMALPAIS, MILL VALLEY. There is a phone booth nearby. He holds a stopwatch, looking down the path, as... ...Gin runs into view, steady stride, breathing hard, sheened with sweat. Approaching him, she slows to a stop. Hands on her knees, catching her wind. He CLICKS the watch. MAC Consistent. And rather impressive. She sends a nasty smile, thanks a bunch. But maybe she likes the compliment, after all. EXT. MAC'S CABIN, BOLINAS - NIGHT Rustic cabin in moonlight. Ringed by woods. Middle of nowhere, which is where Mac likes it. As we approach the lit window, we hear two oddly-matched sounds. splashing water. And the HISS of a violent POWER TOOL. We MOVE THROUGH the window, into... INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Two figures stand in the shower, spray SOAKING their shorts and tank tops. Gin is operating a sleek WELDER, trying to perform micro-surgery on a DARTBOARD which Mac waves in all directions at the end of a short pole. MAC All right, six and seven... She blinks the spray from her eyes, and deftly SEARS the wire dividing those two numbers on the board. As Mac keeps waving it, she goes off line. Concentrates. Gets it right. The wire PEELS away... MAC Three and four... EXT. CABIN - DAY CLOSE on Gin operating a small steamshovel with a loading attachment on the front. It is mounted with two 2 x 4's, set close together, protruding from the loader. She maneuvers the wooden prongs toward a pile of big rocks. But as she positions to scoop one up, her vehicle SWAYS WILDLY, and we PULL BACK to see it is... ...dangling from a CRANE, operated by Mac. Gin stays with it, concentrates, and on the next pass she glides her boards UNDER a huge rock, LIFTING it awkwardly. Ignoring the bumpy ride, she pivots, and deposits her prize in place atop what has become... ...a WALL of stones. GIN What the hell are we building? He gives this some reflection. MAC A chalet, I think. Or an outhouse. EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT Mac and Gin paddle KAYAKS, side by side. A full moon slams off the rolling surface of the sea. Light chop, enough to bob pretty strong once they stop paddling. His stopwatch GLOWS. He says only... MAC Forty seconds. And she FLIPS OVER, submerging her head and torso, and we go... ...WITH her underwater, upside-down in the kayak, she STRUGGLES to FREE a group of tools which are tethered to her wetsuit. Fumbling to BREAK the seal on a slender TUBE, which BURSTS, sending a GLOW of yellow-green LIGHT in all directions. She fits the flexible tube around her head like a headlamp, pulling out... ...a small ELECTRIC FAN with side HANDGRIPS of black metal. Buffeted by the current, Gin manages to flip a small switch on the housing of the fan, and... ...nothing happens. Again. Nothing. And again. SHIT! With a supreme effort, she tries to ROLL herself upright, but... ...can't quite make it. Blind PANIC now, blowing bubbles, FLAILING at the kayak, which suddenly... ROLLS upright, manipulated by Mac. She sputters and tries to THROW the tethered fan at him, but it snaps back and SLAMS her across the shoulder. She is furious. GIN Get your fucking equipment together, man, this is a professional operation!! EXT. WOODS - DAY Gin in a clearing, arms at her sides, a determined look. Mac is somewhere just behind us. MAC (O.S.) This time, when you raise your arm. Don't breathe. She nods, got it. Focused. suddenly, in the clearing before her, a HOSTAGE SILHOUETTE TARGET pops up, the outline of a terrorist shielding himself with a hostage, Gin's arm rising with a BLUR and... ...BLAMM, BLAMM, BLAMM!!! The paper terrorist is NAILED in the head. Two out of three. She lets out a thin stream of air. Proud of herself, but too cool to gloat. MAC Very, very nice. Had a tour with the Mosad, did you? She turns slowly. GIN Where does this fit in the game plan? His enigmatic, yet fond, smile. MAC Oh, it doesn't. But one never knows... A quiet wink. MAC You might need it with me. INT. CABIN - NIGHT CLOSE on Gin leaning back at a 45 degree angle. She is sweating. This is hard. HEAR a SLAM-THWOCK! And ANOTHER. PULL BACK to reveal... She is climbing UP the inside of the angled A-frame CEILING, using hand rods with powerful SUCTION cups, and similar suction devices on the balls of her feet. A human spider, inching up the wall with everything she's got. She SLAMS the next hand rod down, and it... ...slips. GIN Shit. ...as she TUMBLES eighteen feet to... DISAPPEAR in an ocean of STYROFOAM packing bubbles, which EXPLODE in all directions like popcorn in a nuclear accelerator. She has totally VANISHED. Buried alive. GIN (O.S.) DID I SAY SHIT? Mac is wading into the sea of plastic bits, DIGGING her body out with his bare hands. Once more, she comes up sputtering. GIN This one, I will not get! He's holding her in his arms. Leans close. MAC But you will, you'll get it all. You are actually... He kisses her. MAC Quite remarkable. Something in the way he looks at her. Her return gaze is naked. It looks like love. MAC Take the rest of the evening off. And kisses her again. Her eyes close. EXT. FRONT PORCH - MORNING Mac sits alone at a table, sipping coffee, reading Barron's. A short-wave radio is playing BBC World Service. Leaning against an open laptop, is... ...Mac's stopwatch. He glances up at it. What he sees makes him reach into a duffle at his feet, withdraw... ...a rectangular gun-metal gray DEVICE. Looks like a cross between a remote control clicker and a large cell phone. Turns it ON. The power display GLOWS green. EXT. HILLTOP - MORNING Gin running alone. Up the dirt path we've seen before. Ahead, the crossroads, the sign. The lonely phone booth. EXT. FRONT PORCH Mac tuning the device, which is an advance-design SCANNER. We HEAR overlapping CONVERSATIONS through bursts of STATIC... OVERLAPPING VOICES (O.S.) ...told you it's not a good time f...either, personally, I've never liked h...Giants' pitching, once ag...late, you want the Chronicle or don't y... INT. PHONE BOOTH Gin at the phone. Inserts her credit card. Catches her breath. EXT. FRONT PORCH Mac HEARS a phone RINGING over the scanner. Punches RECORD, PLUGS the scanner INTO his laptop. VOICE (O.S.) Webber Assurance. GIN (O.S.) This is oh-four-six-one. Hector Cruz, please, on a secure line. VOICE (O.S.) Please hold. Mac's laptop screen in printing. WEBBER ASSURANCE...HECTOR CRUZ... VOICE (O.S.) Go ahead, please. GIN (O.S.) Thank y... The line goes DEAD. So do Mac's eyes. Click the scanner OFF. INT. PHONE BOOTH Gin in her throaty, playful voice... GIN ...no way I'm telling you shit. CRUZ (O.S.) Baker, this is an extremely dangerous g... GIN ...right now, you're more dangerous than he is. A pause. Her voice is smiling. Not her eyes. CRUZ (O.S.) You want to explain th... GIN If I tell you what this is, and where this is, you'll send back-up, and those morons will blow my cover, and I'll be too dead to accept your apology. A longer beat. CRUZ (O.S.) You're fucking him, aren't you? GIN Right to the wall. Her eyes are stone cold. We've never seen her like this. She looks like Mac. CRUZ (O.S.) You're over your head, Baker. GIN Only romantically. I'll write to him in prison. She's pulling out a different piece of plastic. A drug store phone card. CRUZ (O.S.) Okay, it's your funeral. Next time I see you, I owe you a spanking. GIN Ooooo. Is that a promise? Her cold eyes through his chuckle. CRUZ (O.S.) While you're on secure, do you want a transfer? GIN Nope. I'm headed back to the hot tub. I'll call again, if I'm in the mood. And hangs up. Collects her thoughts. Inserts the phone card. Dials from memory. Fifteen digits. She must be calling Mars. At last... ...a man's VOICE. In a strange sing-song language. GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Is it over? SMASH CUT TO... EXT. TIENANMEN SQUARE, BEIJING - NIGHT Late night, mostly youngsters strolling the unfathomable vastness of the square. At what seems an immeasurable distance, the huge illuminated portrait of Mao zedong hangs from the Gate of Heavenly Peace. The scale of this place is unique in all the world. PAN to a nearby parked... ...Mercedes. COL. QIU of the People's Liberation Army, lounges at the wheel in full uniform. Talks into his cellular... QIU (subtitled Mandarin) ...it's not over yet, it hasn't even begun. He listens, winces. We can hear Gin's voice yelling at him in Mandarin, dishing out a major piece of her mind. QIU (subtitled Mandarin) ...after Midnight, when his meeting ends. In Zhongnanhai. He doesn't like her attitude. And there's plenty of it. QIU (subtitled Mandarin) The mask will be ready... A phalanx of TROOPS march past. The Colonel turns his face to shadow. Drops his voice... QIU (subtitled Mandarin) You fucking bring the bones. EXT. ZHONGNANKAI, BEIJING - LATE NIGHT The walled compound where the Politburo's elite work and live. From an open gateway... ...the MINISTER OF FINANCE appears, flanked by bodyguards in the drab green of PRC police. They step onto the street and turn into a narrow hutong. Down the alleyway comes a young man walking his bicycle through shadow. Nearing us, he raises his right hand, and... ...SHOOTS each bodyguard TWICE through the chest, DROPS the bike, LURCHES at the Minister with something cylindrical and gleaming, and... ...SPRAYS the cowering official's FACE with something that makes him SCREAM in pain, the assassin RUNNING down the hutong for his life, as a fallen guard... ...SHOOTS him in the back, and he goes SPRAWLING, SKIDDING, face down. Lifeless. INT. OPHTHALMOLOGIST'S OFFICE, BEIJING - NIGHT Col. Qiu walks beside a jaunty ophthalmologist, DR. HONGWEI, who is turning ON lights in the darkened office as they go. Behind them, two PLA SOLDIERS half-carry the agonized minister. Into an examination room... ...the minister gently set into an examining chair. The doctor tilts the face up, shines a light into the minister's eyes, which makes him GROAN. Eye drops now, which make the man YELP in pain. HONGWEI now moves the RETINAL SCANNER into position, resting the minister's chin on the slot provided. Turns it ON. The machine's panel FLASHES numbers in red lights. Hongwei looks into the box from the reverse angle, to view... ...a red LASER SCAN moving across the pupil vertically, then retracing its path horizontally, left to right, right to left, up and down, at speed. Hongwei moves to a computer monitor with a graphic rendering of the retina, clicks the keypad to section off a slice of the graphic, and ENLARGES the section 100 times. Looks like pixels. Back to the scanner. Touch a button, and... ...a COMPACT DISC pops out of the disc drive. He places it in a box, telling the minister... HONGWEI (subtitled Mandarin) We send this to the lab for finer analysis. One piece of advice, huh...? The minister squints up, painfully. HONGWEI (subtitled Mandarin) No more red pepper in your eye. Not for awhile. The doctor LAUGHS. The minister seethes. But Colonel Qiu... Has his mind. On business. EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATE NIGHT CLOSE on Gin's gloved hand, holding something we can scarcely see, as MIST floats up between us. It is a carabiner with a nylon rope attached, and she CLIPS it to a thick wire. GIN (O.S.) I'm freezing my tender parts. PULL BACK to see her in climbing harness, scaling a nearly-vertical CABLE, three feet in diameter. Enveloped in fog which reveals, then conceals. MAC (O.S.) I'm relieved to hear you have some. PULL WAY BACK to see him below her. The two of them climbing the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. They are near the top, more than 700 feet above the silvery black BAY. A precarious, dizzying sight. MAC What's amazing, is that only eleven workers died during construction of this thing... GIN (grim) ...thanks for sharing... MAC Of course, the others were saved by a safety net. Gin keeps her focus on the small railed PLATFORM just above her. A gutsy gal. MAC (loving it) Now, as for the suicides, they always jump facing the city. Avoids that tall fence about 50 stories down, see it, there? She's at the platform. GIN I never liked you. Unclips one last time. This won't be easy. Throws her rope OVER the railing, and to her surprise, Mac braces himself with his legs... ...lifts her from the waist with strong hands, boosting her easily to the platform. Grateful, she hates to confess it. GIN One act of fucking human kindness... MAC Call it a lapse. And he swings lightly up beside her. The fog has rolled past. There are several million stars. Transcendent beauty. She slows her breath... GIN And how does this fit into the game pl... MAC Oh, it doesn't. We came for the view. And from his contoured backpack, he pulls a bottle of Cristal. Flutes, wrapped in velvet. He POPS the cork in one motion, and it SAILS to its watery doom. She can't help but watch. One more motion to pour both glasses. Hands one to her. Toasts... MAC To Ginger Baker. He clicks her glass. She stares straight in his eye. Shows no surprise, no fear... GIN I'm partial to drummers. If they played with Clapton and Winwood. And takes a sip. Cool as a goose. Licks her lips. GIN The prescription bottle. When you stole my suitcase. But he's not drinking. Only staring. The wind has picked up. GIN Armand Baker was my husband, May 13 to October 27, 1982, he played alto sax, I was 17 years old. She takes another sip. Good wine. GIN He named me Ginger. He likes drummers, too. MAC And you get sentimental for him. Every time you order drugs. GIN I have I.D. in that name. I use it for various things I don't want traced. When credit unions turn their computers my way. MAC I could listen to you lie all night. She toasts him. GIN (softly) Same here, fella. Slowly, he reaches to an inside pocket, watching to see if she flinches. Her eyes do flicker. And follow. He withdraws not a pistol, but a handful of... MAC Do you like diamonds? Nine DIAMONDS, so large, so exquisite, she has to keep her eyes from bugging. Wow. MAC You asked. Does the machine. Make gold. Holy. Christ. MAC Gold is shit. It's six thousand dollars a pound. Worth your weight in gold...? His eyes travel her body... MAC That would put you at seven hundred thousand. GIN Would you pay it? And he leans. Looks in her eyes. MAC When the light hits you just right. I'd pay more. She liked that. Maybe a lot. GIN The machine. That we are stealing. Makes diamonds? No answer. GIN Real ones? MAC Gem quality. First ever. God save Japan. He toasts Blessed Japan to the East. Takes a hit. MAC A diamond reactor takes graphite, runs it through a combination of lasers, electron beams, and scanning- tunnel mg microscopes. He means this. She is transfixed. MAC This one uses krypton-fluorine laser, with a new isotope of krypton. She looks down at the diamonds in his palm. His fist CLOSES. MAC The atoms are rearranged. And the molecule of graphite becoznes a molecule of... He turns his fist UPSIDE-DOWN. And LETS GO! She GASPS as the brilliant stones FALL toward the sea. Watching, watching, long after the moonlit glimmer has evaporated. A hush. GIN I hate it. When you make a point. INT. SHIKOKU MARU - DAY CLOSE on two open PASSPORTS. The names say BANQUO MACDUFF and ISADORA DUNCAN. The faces are Mac and Gin. STEWARD (O.S.) All right, then. All set. PULL BACK to see Mac and Gin dressed as tropical tourists. She hangs on his arm. STEWARD We will keep your passports in our safe until Jakarta. MAC Of course. STEWARD You are Suite 16... GIN ...and never been kissed. The steward doesn't get it. Gin shrugs, sorry. MAC We had booked Suite 9. STEWARD 16 is our Tokugawa Suite, far superior, trust me. Mac consents. A little wary. STEWARD You luggage is in the room, these are your keys, the housekeeper will show you t... GIN (pouting) Oh. Can't we stroll around the port? Just a little? The steward checks his watch. STEWARD I'd be on board in forty minutes. Just to be safe. GIN (sweet smile) Better safe. Than sorry. EXT. DOCK, COLOMBO, SRI LANKA - DAY Mac and Gin stroll down the gangway, to the seedy, dangerous- looking wharf. At the bottom of the gangway... ...a wooden board to mark the whereabouts of guests. Each stateroom has a peg, which can be moved to ABOARD or ASHORE. Mac moves the peg for 16... ...to the ABOARD position. And off they go. INT. SMALL PLANE - NIGHT Mac in his jump suit piloting the Dehaviland DHC-53 across the endless black of the Indian Ocean. For the moment, he seems alone. Then... MAC Down there. Ten o'clock. He means a tiny grouping of LIGHTS. Way down there, against the darkness. He switches on the AUTOPILOT. Goes back to... ...Gin, waiting in her jump suit, sitting on a large pack of gear just beside the window of the jump door. Next to her, a pack that is even larger. No fear in her eyes tonight. Pure adrenaline. GIN Are you dumping fuel? MAC Changed my mind. There's nothing on the instruments downrange. The longer she flies before she ditches, the less chance they notice on the Bridge. As she stands, he begins to strap the huge pack ONTO her body. Jesus. With her chute, and the other gear attached, the load makes us uneasy. Not her. MAC You should lose the oxygen tank at 8000 feet. GIN And how do I judge that? Babe's intuition? He points to an altimeter device on his wrist. It says 12,000 feet. She cuts him a look. GIN So I just ask you on the way down? Or were you planning to e-mail me. He pulls out an identical device. Strapping it to her wrist... MAC I hate a crybaby. He straps the even-larger gear pack to himself. Checks the path of the tiny lights far below. Then, looks in her eyes... MAC (simply) You can do this. Not merely reassurance. Affection. Something connective between them. You are my partner. Her eyes send back that personal bond, and she nods. I can do this. Good girl. He pulls on his oxygen mask, goggles. She does the same. He OPENS the door, air BLASTING in. One more look down below, and he holds up ten fingers. Counts them down, nine...eight... She moves to the edge. Watching him. And on zero, she... ARCHES out INTO the starry VOID, and we go... WITH HER, the incomparable RUSH of freefall, straining to see him FOLLOW, skillfully altering his position to gain on her, coming close. She is looking between him and her altimeter, as... ...his oxygen tank FALLS AWAY, and she CUTS hers loose, the air RUSHING past her, she looks DOWN... ...the lights below are beginning to take the shape of the freighter. Back up to Mac, as he... PULLS his CHUTE, it is black and square, and JOLTS him to what seems like a full STOP far above her, and she YANKS her cord, but... ...nothing. It doesn't open. She is ROCKETING down, looking back up to see Mac make an exaggerated CUTTING sign across his body, and she closes her eyes, PULLS her secondary chute, which... POPS open, JARRING her violently, and she GASPS with the shock. He is well above her now, she isoff course, frantically trying to manipulate her trajectory, seeing him swooping closer, the freighter LOOMS in distance, she looks down and suddenly... ...the sea is RUSHING at her, she FIGHTS her braking mechanism, SHOUTING at herself... GIN FLARE, FLARE... ...and SLAMS INTO the water, PLUNGING down, twisting, disoriented CUTTING her chute loose, struggling not to get tangled, in a panic to BREAK her light tube, which... ...GLOWS yellow-green, illuminating the freezing depths, she FITS it around her head, fights now to pull out the small ELECTRIC FAN we've seen before, KICKING herself toward the surface, fighting against the weight of her gear pack, she... ...flips the switch, and the fan becomes a PROPELLER which ROCKETS her upward, but she loses her hold on one handgrip, tries desperately to hang on with one hand, but it... ...PULLS FREE, goes SHOOTING off into the blackness without her, one instant of TERROR in her eyes, and... Mac is THERE, diving at her with his propeller, she GRASPS his legs in a death grip, and suddenly, they are... AT the surface, Gin GASPING for air, and he CUTS his propeller, CRADLES her body with one strong arm, murmuring in her ear... MAC It's over, it's over... Her eyes are wild. MAC Catch your breath, quickly. Hang on for the wake. She sees the FREIGHTER now, a black mountain CUTTING the sea, a huge WAKE pluming from its bow. She grabs his waist with all she's got. GIN DO IT! GO! And he KICKS the propeller to LIFE, they ZOOM off, straight AT the towering wake and burst THROUGH it, RACING to the freighter's looming hull, speeding alongside, Mac looking up to find... ...a series of metal RUNGS, which begin twelve feet above the water line, climbing the dizzying height to the freighter's deck, far above. Mac has a Kevlar rope with a GRAPPLING HOOK, and as he reaches the rungs, he... ...THROWS it high, one of the pronged hooks CATCHING on a rung twenty feet above them... MAC HOLD TIGHT! GIN IF YOU FUCKING INSIST! And he LETS GO of the propeller, PULLING both of them, laden with gear, OUT of the water with sheer brute strength. PLANTING his feet against the outward curve of the hull, he CLIMBS with all his strength, hand over hand, until he finally... ...GRASPS the bottom rung. He PULLS them up, until she can GRAB ON. They hold tight to their rung for a beat. He attaches them both with metal carabiner clips. MAC If I were you, I'd watch the desserts. GIN Boy, I'll bet you were in shape before you got old. MAC Too long ago to remember. And pulls himself up to the second rung, so that he is standing an the first. Offers her his hand... GIN I can take it from here, thanks. Suit yourself. They begin to climb up the rungs, like a tilted backwards ladder, re-attaching their clips as they go. GIN If you'd packed my primary chute right, I wouldn't ha... MAC Yes, you would. You're a girl. Up, up. And stop. They are nearly halfway to the top. Looking across the curved hull to... ...a large circular HATCH. Thirty feet away. The goal. Mac pulls from his pack... ...their SUCTION CUP gear. With practiced speed, they fasten cups to the balls of their feet, take hold of the hand rods with cups attached, and Mac takes the lead as they begin to... ...move LATERALLY across the hull's surface toward the hatch. Mac is amazingly agile at the arduous process, scuttling sideways like a crab across the precariously tilted-back hull. Gin is deter- mined, but falls well behind, intent on making every suction seal solid one. Dark water RACES by beneath her., By the time she looks up at the hatch... He is gone. MAC (O.S.) Anytime you're ready. She looks UP sharply. He is ABOVE the hatch, attached to the hull by the balls of his feet, hanging down like a bat. Noting her astonishment... MAC Better angle. That it is. He has pulled a thick cylinder from his pack. It's a battery-operated AIR WRENCH, and with a menacing WHIRR, only partially masked by the ship's wake, he begins to swiftly POP all the rivets around the hatch. Gin has pulled out the slender WELDING TOOL we saw in the shower, and begins CUTTING through the metal seals around the hatch's rim. At thecrucial moment... MAC You might want to move aside... Which she BARELY does, as the hatch door PLUMMETS past her to the sea. BIG splash. Gone. When she turns back, Mac is already THROUGH the opening and she follows, their yellow-green headlamps partially revealing... ...the maximum-security HOLD. We've seen this with Carlsby. The fork lift. The shadowy multitude of PLATFORMS on their gimbals, all SWAYING, in different directions with the plunging of the ship. Gin just stands, staring everywhere, like she's broken into Fort Knox. The ROAR of the engines is louder here, and he moves close to her to speak beneath it... MAC May I trouble you for the torch? Or would you rather just dance. Oh. Slightly embarrassed at her lack of split-second efficiency, she tries to find the thing in her gear. After watching her fumble for a bit... GIN I know I packed it. ...he just reaches in and pulls it out. A small LANTERN which he FLICKS on, brilliantly ILLUMINATING the entire hold. Scans the platforms...polnts to a CRATE wrapped in 4-ply heavy duty plastic membrane. MAC Coal into diamonds. A wealth machine. GIN How do you know that's it? MAC (as if stating the obvious) It's 12 by 9 by 7 feet. And it's the only thing worth waterproofing, in case the ship sinks. GIN (softly) ...you twit. MAC Hmmn? GIN I'm just finishing your sentence. Can't you answer a question with- out making me feel stupid? He's heading toward the swaying platforms... MAC Why would I bother? He is climbing onto a lower platform, easily vaulting up to the magic crate. She follows, but it isn't as easy as he's made it look. She has to scramble, almost falling. He's already pulled from his gear... ...six rubber POUCHES. She hands him her welding tool, and he begins attaching the pouches to the top and sides of the crate. The plunging ship has the platform really rocking. GIN (concerned) They don't look like flotation bags... MAC (working fast) Shit. Well then, let's forget the whole thing. She stares at him. GIN Okay, it was a dumb ques... His eyes come UP. So fast that her breath stops. He looks plenty angry. MAC Let's get one thing straight. I don't work with partners much, because basically, I find most people to be idiots. She swallows. Hard. MAC You, in contrast, are first-rate. He watches the effect of that play across her eyes. MAC And if I think so. Maybe you should start thinking the same. Now move your ass. And goes back to work. She pauses a beat. Then pulls out two lengths of Kevlar rope. Begins securing their platform to the one above, to minimize the amount of sway. As she struggles with this, she sees him finish by welding a very small gray BOX to the top of the crate. When he glances up, he sees her staring at the box. MAC GPS transponder. Sends a scrambled signal by satellite... He touches the device. It BEEPS. A light glows RED. MAC Precise coordinates. You could find a golf ball in the Gobi Desert. He rises. JUMPS down to the floor. GIN Where you g... MAC (walking away) Fork lift. GIN That's my assignm... MAC (turning back) Unless you've got the keys, someone has to hot wire it. Oh. MAC Finish up on the floaters. And heads off toward the fork lift. Finish up? She looks at the rubber pouches. They seem finished to her. Tugs at a couple. On pretty firmly. Across the way, we HEAR the fork lift turn its engine OVER. GIN Won't they hear it? MAC (O.S.) Over these engines? Through five feet of steel? She hurriedly secures the last of her Kevlar lines. MAC (O.S.) Hell, if they do, they don't have the second key to get in. He is driving up in the rickety fork lift. Weaving around crates and equipment. MAC Thank God for redundant security. He hops lightly from the fork lift, reaches up, and she jumps down INTO his arms. Quickly, the switch places, Gin climbing into the idling fork lift, as Mac clambers up to UNBOLT the crate's pallet with his air wrench... Gin moves the fork lift into position. Mac bracing his legs against neighboring cargo, using all his strength to hold our crate steady. He is really straining. GIN How many tries do I get? MAC (with effort) One, before I beat you senseless, dump you over the side, and donate your share to charity. She brings the fork UP. The crate sways slightly. She lines up her prongs against the pallet's receiving holes... GIN You gotta work on that impatient streak. ...and slips them straight IN. First try. GIN (amazed) How professional. She LIFTS the crate, but the boat LURCHES, and she nearly LOSES it off the fork. But she doesn't. SWINGS her load around now. Heading for the open hatchway, the roiling sea racing by. Picking up SPEED, slightly... GIN Uh. Thing on the left is the brakes? MAC (laconic) Or the thing on the right. By now she is really ROLLING toward the wide open spaces... GIN MAC, IT'S JAMMED! He POUNCES off the platform, FLYING after the lift as it ACCELERATES THROUGH the opening... MAC JUMP, for God's sa... ...TIPPING at the hatchway lip, the crate sliding OFF the prongs, our forklift TUMBLING OUT the hatch to the sea, just as Mac... ...SNATCHES Gin by her HAIR, pulling her FREE of the falling forklift, CATCHING the rim of the hatchway with his free hand, Gin SCREAMING in fright and pain, BLINDLY grabbing his arm to be... ...jerked BACK to safety. Clutching Mac, she watches the sea behind them. Where the crate and the forklift disappeared. MAC You did activate the floaters. Her head WHIPS around. Aghast. GIN Activa... MAC I did say, 'Finish up on the floaters'. Surely, you heard me. Her life. Flashes before her eyes. As behind the ship... ...the crate BOBS to the surface. We can see the tiny red light on the transponder from here. MAC (softly) Oh. Guess I did it m'self. She WHIPS back, and starts POUNDING at him with her fists. He is laughing so hard, he takes a few good shots before he can GRASP her wrists. She SPITS in his face. He strikes back by... ...kissing her hard. She struggles for a beat. And then she lets him. When they finish, he reaches to UNZIP her jumping suit. All the way. Pulls it down gently, revealing... ...her evening gown. A wrinkle-free material which slips down across her legs from where it had been bunched across her hips. He is unzipping his outfit as well, revealing formal wear of his own. He stuffs the suits into his gear pack, removing only... ...her evening bag and shoes. Then lifting both packs, he... GIN Um... ...FLINGS them into the black ocean. Gone. GIN ...I wouldn't do that. So he turns. She looks really stunned. And scared. MAC Excuse me? GIN Well...I saw our suction things. Lying...over...there? She points. To where no suction things are lying. GIN (a mouse) ...so I put 'em in my pack? His eyes WIDEN. GIN Or maybe. I put 'em there. And points. To where they are. She tilts her head. Gives him a great smile. Is he enraged? His dry grin says, not hardly. MAC I like a quick study. Then again. You can never tell. EXT. FREIGHTER DECK - NIGHT Expansive barely-lit deck under a canopy of stars. A silver-haired couple in immaculate evening attire stroll alone, he is humming to barely-audible dance music from a distant lounge. She clings to his arm, it is romantic. Until they reach the railing where he turns, and says something quietly in German... She stiffens. Pulls her arm away from his. She sneers coldly, calls him a name in German, and he UNLOADS on her, a barrage of German-language INVECTIVE that would melt a tank. She absorbs the abuse without flinching, turns toward the rail, HAWKS and... ...SPITS over the side. Strides away from him. He watches her go. Then... ...SPITS over the side himself. And follows her. Half a beat. Mac's head APPEARS above the rail. Just where they spit. Not a mark on him. INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT Our old German couple are DANCING wonderfully in each other's arms Inspiring. PAN a dozen really old couples dancing to the three- piece Filipino ensemble, until we come to... Gin and Mac spinning slowly, flawlessly, their eyes telling the surrounding geezers that they are very much in love. We CLOSE to hear their sweet murmurings... MAC ...no matter how many stones we make, the diamonds are just an appetizer. GIN (dreamily) And the meal...? MAC My contract. With DeBeers. She blinks. Hit by a ton of bricks. GIN Oh my G... MAC Sensible folks, DeBeers. A world monopoly in diamonds based on one simple principle...something's only priceless if it's scarce. He WHIRLS her in a tight spin. The geriatic Germans can only watch and envy. MAC These guys dig up all the diamonds on the planet, just to keep them out of circulation. Otherwise, you could buy 'em at the Five and Dime... GIN Watch the old guy stuff, they don't have dimestores anym... MAC Imagine the chaos we could cause. She is imagining. GIN You said 'contract'... MAC We're sort of bounty hunters. Gin likes the ring of that. Green eyes dance with delight. MAC Our machine is worth far more dead. Than alive. VOICE (O.S.) Glad to see you're both alive. They look over. The officious STEWARD from this afternoon. Now in black tie. STEWARD When you missed cocktails. And supper. I thought of knocking on your door... Mac turns Gin so that she can send the boob a lazy smile... GIN Oh, I wish you had. We love having strangers join us! Maybe later...? Mac turns her once more, so that he faces the flummoxed steward across her bare shoulder... MAC Promise you an interesting time... Trademark smile. MAC Or my name's not Banquo MacDuff. You twit. INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT Our couple moving down the softly-lit hallway, past the burnished doors of luxury suites. Her arms wrapped around one of his, their bodies close together. MAC ...well, I would ask what you're doing with the rest of your life. But that's your own bloody affair, isn't it? She sighs. GIN Yeh. Anyway, before you get too choked up on the farewell. I feel I owe you a confession. He glances down. Really? Really. GIN Time has come to tell you. What business. I'm actually in. He thinks about this. And then... MAC Not here. EXT. DECK - NIGHT Mac leads her along the empty moonlit deck to... ...the BOWSPRIT, a long, narrow platform, ringed by a flimsy rail, it juts far out above a churning sea. The whipping of the wind makes it seem all the more precarious. MAC It only looks dangerous... Holds out his hand. She hesitates. MAC You couldn't fall off. Unless someone threw you over. Gives her the smile. She puts her hand in his, and they hop UP to the platform. Walk its length to the very end. He turns now, leans casually against the fragile railing. They are inches apart. MAC More intimate. For a confession. Gin looks down at the plume of wake leaping off the bow. MAC What business. You are actually. In. She looks up. To his eyes. Into them. GIN Yeh. I'm not an art dealer. MAC Of course not. You're a cop. And tilts his head. Just to one side. MAC An insurance investigator for Webber Assurance, your boss is an idiot named Hector Cruz, you've been there four years and ten months, you're quite the rising star. GIN (evenly) Nope. His head tilts. Just a little farther. MAC (very softly) Nope? GIN I'm a thief, Mac. Holds the look. GIN For five years, I've used the database of every client Webber has to plan my jobs. Museums, banks, jewelers, rich people, I have floor plans, alarm codes, passwords, the works. His face absolutely neutral. Unreadable. GIN I've made a fortune. It's not enough. MAC Why n... GIN Why wasn't it enough for you? He falls silent. GIN The Vermeer that was stolen from Hancock Tower? That was my job. I scaled the building with electromagnets, and parachuted down an air vent... No smile at her lips. Strictly business. GIN ...after mailing the painting. To where we're going next, actua... MAC (quietly) We. She looks him up and down. GIN Yeh, we. You passed the audition. Now he smiles. First time. MAC (a murmur) Imagine my relief. GIN I need a partner. For the biggest, smartest, job. Ever. The one you retire off of, because nothing else could ever compare with the rush. MAC Ever. Is such a long time. GIN This is a job that can only be done in one place, in one split-second in human history. If we miss that instant. We lose. MAC And it's worth...? GIN Eight billion dollars. That's eight thousand million. MAC How much in shillings? GIN You're not a real trusting guy. MAC And I tried so hard to hide that. GIN It's two jobs. The first steals something priceless from the National Palace Museum in Taipei. We don't keep that. We trade it in for our ticket to the show. MAC One moment in time, you s... GIN Midnight, July 1, 1997. Eight days from now. The moment that Hong Kong is annexed by china. And now. She has his interest. She can see that. GIN 80-20 split. MAC Don't be so hard on yourself. It's your plan, you should take at least thirty perc... GIN My 80, your 20. Asshole. He thinks this over. MAC 50-50. Or you can swim to Taipei. She is not impressed. Or afraid. He grins... MAC What are you gonna do with six billion dollars that you can't do with four? GIN Hold the record. Alone. This. He likes. So much that he leans to kiss her, with surprising tenderness. MAC Your share is 50%. And one dollar. Her hard stare. And then, she smiles. Just barely. Still in his arms... GIN I like what you left. In the hold. MAC You didn't even see wha... GIN A lump of coal. A pair of pliers. A note that said, 'Squeeze hard'. This is the most taken with her that he has ever looked. She leans up and kisses him. Whispers... GIN Squeeze hard. EXT. STREET, SHIHLIN DISTRICT, TAIPEI - LATE NIGHT Ugly section of an ugly town. Unmarked warehouses, alleyways teeming with food stalls. HEAR a motorcycle approach, and see... ...Gin driving, Mac sits behind her. Going real fast, maybe she's showing off, we FOLLOW them DOWN a blind alley, as she smoothly WHEELS them into... ...an open FREIGHT ELEVATOR. She climbs off, he doesn't. As Gin goes to work the controls, Mac sees a cat curled in the corner, mewing softly. GIN That's Madame Chiang Kaishek, she's my bud. An evil streak a mile wide. The elevator JOLTS to life. MAC No surprise. They CLANG upward. Mac seems utterly relaxed. Gin paces a little, hugging herself. Her features tense. MAC (gently) Tired? She blinks up. He is straddling the bike. Smiling at her. GIN I have a lot on my mind. Ah. Well... MAC You look beautiful doing it. He seems to mean that. And it seems to melt her a little. She sags against the wall, closing her eyes, as... ...they JOLT to a stop. She PULLS the heavy LEVER, and the door SLIDES noisily open, to reveal... ...a gigantic LOFT. She flicks on a dim light, but we see only part of the cavernous space. She strolls, Madame Chiang trotting along behind. Mac follows, looking around, then down to see... ...a pile of MAIL, cables, packages. The unopened MAILING TUBE we saw in the Hancock Tower penthouse. He crouches, lifts the tube in his hands... GIN (O.S.) You wanna buy a Vermeer? MAC Rather steal it. GIN (O.S.) Been there, done that. He nods to himself. Guess so. He rises to see her framed against the gaping starlit opening of a huge LOADING DOOR. The twinkling island lies below. But here, Gin stares down at... ...an elaborate architectural MODEL. Fifteen feet across, it features an imposing yellow, pagoda-roofed BUILDING, built into the side of a model MOUNTAIN. Formal gardens, fountains, tiny Kuomintang flags. Stretching away from the building, a large portion of the CITY, with shops and alleyways elaborately detailed. As Mac joins her... GIN National Palace Museum, Taipei, Taiwan. Repository of four thousand years of Chinese culture... He bends to lift UP the detachable roof. All the rooms are detailed within, down to exhibit cases. GIN Works of gold, bronze, jade, onyx, pots and scrolls, paintings and porcelains and lacquer work. Every treasure the Kuomintang could loot before the Reds took over. (beat) Ever rob the place? MAC No. If memory serves. She takes him by the hand, and leads him toward the gaping doorway, walking straight toward it... GIN You need to eat something, or are you ready for sex? And just at the edge of it... MAC (torn) The options seem so limited. They jump THROUGH the opening. And VANISH. Our ANGLE closes on the doorway, to see OUT now, sitting like a jewel against the hillside... ...the NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM, looking exactly like the model. The town spread out beyond. Just as in the model. And now we TILT sharply DOWN to see... ...a loading PLATFORM, suspended above the island, only a few feet below our opening. Like a balcony without a railing. Mac and Gin already sinking down onto a waiting futon. Looks like he's made his pick. Among limited options. INT. LOFT - SUNRISE CLOSE on the MODEL MUSEUM in early light. Propped against it, the unrolled Vermeer. Pinned to the painting, a note we can't read. In the B.G., HEAR what sounds like the rattling of a SUBWAY TRAIN, which runs a short distance and STOPS. We TILT ANGLE now, to see... ...through the sunlit opening of the loading door. Mac's head APPEARS, peeking up over the lip. MAC Ginny...? LOST in another brief subway rumble. He lightly VAULTS up through the doorway. Looks around, no Gin. Goes to the model. Lifts the note pinned to the Vermeer... MAC (reads) This lovely parting gift can be yours. If the price is right. Stumped. Not in his cultural database. He looks at the model, to see that the stretch of city between museum and mountain has been lifted away, revealing... ...an underground RAILWAY TUNNEL between the two. Mac examines the tiny train, the tracks, the winding route. From the side walls, well above the tracks, huge VENTILATION PIPES open onto the tunnel. Starting at the museum end, they are labeled VENT #1, and so on. There are five. The last one shortly before... ...the mountain. Where a cavernous opening is labeled BARRACKS. Tiny toy soldiers kneel on a landing, rifles in position to shoot at the oncoming train. And as Mac studies this curiously... ...the nearby SUBWAY RATTLES the walls once more. Sounds like it's in the room, somehow. Mac rises. Saunters across the loft, and we see for the first time the enormity of this space. Suddenly, the floor ends, and we are looking down nearly thirty feet onto... ...a spacious HANGAR, outfitted with 150 feet of RAILWAY TRACK, at the far end of which sits a full-sited TRAIN CAR, exactly like the one in the model. And just below us... ...Gin crouches on a concave platform of corrugated metal, eighteen feet above the track. She holds a remote control device, which she uses to REV the train's engine, far down the line. She looks really tense. MAC Good morning. She startles slightly. Shuts OFF the train's engine. As she looks up to him now, the silence is noticeable. He crouches down, only a foot or so above her... MAC Quite a parting gift. I would have settled for roses. GIN It's a joke. You know, a joke? People who have a sense of humor make them? He's clueless. But smiling. GIN You're rich, go buy an American, have him fill you in on the culture. MAC Ah. American culture. Well, that is a joke. He leans down. Strokes her hair very gently. MAC (murmurs) Relax. It's only eight billion dollars. She looks up into his eyes. But she can't smile. MAC (softly) Your Vermeer? I like this View Of Delft better than the larger one. The sky is more emotionally rendered. Staring in his eyes. And just as softly back... GIN Nice. When a sky is that. He holds the look. Very strong and very gentle... MAC Is it easier now? Not pretending. Is it? MAC Not pretending you're an innocent. Not pretending you...like me. No answer. Effortlessly, he hops down to join her. Never losing eye contact. MAC Here's a tip from an old-timer. Never forget who you are... Settles next to her. Bodies touching. MAC It gives you someone to be. When you stop pretending. Okay? She nods, slowly. Her eyes moving over his face. Maybe more feelings going through her than she can sort out. MAC (still soft) So. Our train runs from the museum, through an underground tunnel. To a mountain. GIN Because the museum displays 10,000 relics at any given moment. But there are 60 times that many, stored in the mountain. This overwhelms. Even Mac. GIN Which is why it's guarded. By an army. She is unfastening the small pack at her feet... GIN The train shuttles relics to and from storage. It looks exactly like that. So Mac looks down the line. At the train car. GIN I've been down the air ducts four times. The train always has two armed guards. Always travels between 32 and 36 miles per hour. Relics don't like to be jostled too much. MAC (all business now) Your model has five vents. GIN We go down the first. Back up the third, if you're lucky. If not, we have to get out by the fourth. MAC (simply) Then we will. She pulls from the pack four thick DISCS, each about eight inches in diameter, each with a toggle switch and a wrist loop. She starts to put two of them on... GIN Electromagnets, incredibly powerful. This switch is on-off. He gestures at the train, the track, the hangar... MAC Seems like overkill. For one simple jump. GIN Well, it's an eight billion dollar jump. You miss the train...you've missed the train. Flicks ON her remote. Down the track the engine REVS. Like crazy. GIN We've got five days to grab the Bones, trade them for the Scan, and pull our 8 billion out of Hong Kong. Once midnight passes on July 1st... MAC ...we've missed the train, yeh. The Bones? The Scan? GIN Oh. Have I neglected to fill in the details? MAC An oversight. GIN Which I learned from the master. Hey. Wish me luck... CLICKS the remote, the train LEAP5 forward, 36 MPH never seemed so fast! She has a split-second to LEAP down, the train SAILS beneath her, Gin's feet GRAZE the back end of the platform at the rear of the car, she SWIPES DESPERATELY with the magnets, can't connect, and is THROWN into a ROLL along the side of the tracks. She's UP on her knees, watching the train SLAM into the massive blue PADS at the end of the track. She is bruised, shaken, but most of all, really worried and really pissed. MAC (quietly) Jump sooner. She pulls out the remote... GIN Be my fucking guest. The train ROCKETS backward, straight PAST where she kneels, to BRAKE at the start of the track once more. She nods up to Mac, who is strapping on his magnets. He crouches, nods, ready. And the train... ...BLASTS toward him, he counts, JUMPS, and SLAMS ONTO the ROOF of the train, which PLOWS into the heavy padding, FLINGING him twenty feet like a rag doll to land in a HEAP. He lies still. Then blinks, surprised he's alive. HEARS a rich whiskey LAUGHTER down the track. MAC I'm too old for this shit! And as he pulls himself up. She is staring at him, from her knees... GIN Know a dude named Wiley Coyote? ...with what can only be described as love. GIN (softly) Forget it. EXT. NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM, TAIPEI - DAY AERIAL VIEW down toward the sweeping pagoda roofs of the MUSEUM, the formal gardens, the fountains, the tree-lined driveway. CLOSE now, as a cab pulls up, a couple emerges... She is first. Chanel suit with an extremely short skirt, revealing endless legs. She helps him from the taxi, a white-haired geezer who seems well past 90, fumbling with his walking stick, and making quick, erratic, bird-like glances in every direction. She takes his arm for support. Murmurs in his ear... GIN Isn't it easier now? Not pretending? Gives him a full-tongue KISS in the ear, which has bystanders noticing. Starts to help him up the stairs, still whispering close... GIN Five years, you won't need make-up. In answer he GRABS her ass, and she YELPS with delight, attract- ing attention all around. His turn to whisper, as he massages her backside... MAC We agreed. No underwear. GIN Overkill. I can do it with legs. He stops. Gives the long legs a dubious twice-over. MAC I'd lose the underwear. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Mac leaning on her arm, as they pass case after case. Bronzes, jades, lacquer work. Every object exquisite, priceless. GIN The Oracle Bones date back to the Shang Dynasty, 3500 years ago. They are writings...carved into ox bones, tortoise shells... She cuddles close to him. They approach a tour group, the female guide speaking in four European languages. Really loud. GIN The oldest Chinese writing any- where, the first proof of Chinese civilization. MAC What makes this one so valuable? He stops, drowned out by the tour guide, rhapsodizing over an urn. Butts into her rap... MAC (subtitled Italian) Except it's Chien-lung, mimicking Sung Period. The color is far too delicate. The woman gets real insulted. Apparently, he's right. MAC (subtitled German) It's all right, you have a nice body. And walks on. Confides to Gin... MAC When you're old, you can do anything GRABS her bottom once more, altering her voice slightly on... GIN There we are. A separate display room. A single steel pedestal. Under the smart-glass security case, one single object. It is a fragile, yellowed fragment of bone. The shoulder blade of an ox. Covered with tiny script. GIN Last year, ancient artifacts were discovered in the Gulf of Mexico. An Olmec civilization, 3200 years old. No tourists in the display room. A velvet rope is up. Three GUARDS mill at the entrance. This exhibit is off-limits. GIN Amazingly, markings on these Olmec figures were identified as Shang Dynasty writing... A sign explains, SORROWFUL TO INFORM ORACAL BONE CLOSE FOR TRAVEL EXIBITION UNTIL IS NOVEMBER. GIN This particular Bone is price- less, because it is the one that establishes the link. Proves that American civilizations descend from Chinese ancestors. She is pulling out her coin purse, as they stand by the rope. Unzipping it slowly... GIN Exactly the kind of propaganda shit they eat up in Beijing. The mainland would pay anything to get its paws on th... As her shaking 'elderly' companion SPASMS, knocking the purse OUT of her hand, it CLATTERS to the floor, sending a hundred coins ROLLING in all directions. Some under the rope. MAC (old guy voice) SHIT! BLOODY HELL!!! And collapses to the hardwood floor in search of the coins, HOWLING as he BANGS his knees. Some bystanders hurry to help. And one of the guards. As Mac tries to crawl under the rope to pursue coins... ...the guard STOPS him with a firm hand, pointing at the pidgen- English sign. Meanwhile, calmly, very slowly... ...Gin crouches down to retrieve coins, the short skirt riding recklessly high on her upper thighs. The two remaining guards hurry to help her. Mac's guard, bystanders, all transfixed by the marginal preservation of her modesty. Noticing the eye-lines all around, she confides to the nearest guard... GIN (in Mandarin, helpful) Those are the coins. These are my legs. Unnoticed, Mac is BANGING his wristwatch, which seems to have broken. CLOSE on him now, manipulating a glide point DEVICE on the side of the watch, and we RACK FOCUS to see... ...one coin. Inside the rope. Move. As Mac checks to see all eyes are elsewhere, he guides the coin's slide slowly, inexorably, to... ...ATTACH itself magnetically. To the steel pedestal. Beneath the Bone's case. As it does, Mac's watch BEEPS slightly, as we CLOSE on it to see... ...DATA flickering across its face. MAC (old guy voice) Amanda! Time for my pills! INT. NOODLE SHOP, TAIPEI - DAY Gin and Mac at a long communal table, ignored, by Taiwanese couples, families, businessmen, chattering loudly all around them. Gin looking down at her bowl, she's barely touched her meal... GIN ...no, I don't think that way. Glances up. Mac is eating heartily, happily. GIN ...and I suppose you do? MAC Get lonely? Sure, all the time. It's healthy. Stuffs his mouth full. Talking around it... MAC What's unhealthy. Is denial. She's studying him as he eats. Since he's not looking at her, Gin's eyes are thoughtful, appraising. GIN Be real. you could never see yourself...you know, quitting the game. Settling...down. And he looks up. Direct to her eyes. A dead straight, heart- stopping look. Before the wonderful smile. MAC Why, Ginger. This is so sudden. She cuts him a hard look. Not funny. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Late afternoon, the place has closed. Four armed GUARDS, accompanied by a museum OFFICIAL, push a large DOLLY across the hardwood floor, heels clicking, wheels rumbling softly, into... ...the room we've seen. The dolly stops by the display case of the priceless oracle Bone. The four guards position themselves around the triple-paned bulletproof case. It will be a bitch to lift. The official has a key. He inserts this into the lock of the titanium frame which holds the case to the steel pedestal. And as it CLICKS, we... SMASH CUT TO... INT. NOODLE SHOP - DAY Mac's arm rising with noodle-laden chopsticks, the wristwatch BEEPING softly. He drops the chopsticks, rising in one fluid motion as Gin does the same, throwing some bills on the table, he leads her... ...OUT the door, INTO the street, step OFF the curb, turn, DROP flat on his back, SLIDE DOWN the gutter, Gin following a split- second behind... INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK A train car stands, pulled up to a loading dock. Two SOLDIERS with assault rifles on the train's rear platform, waiting. Along one side of the tracks, a gravel roadway. An open air Jeep-type military vehicle stands empty. One of our soldiers speaks into a walkie-talkie, watching a huge steel DOOR at the entrance to the loading dock, which... ...OPENS now. Through it come the four armed museum guards, surrounding the dolly which carries the Bone's massive bulletproof display case. The official is with them, and hands paperwork to one of the waiting soldiers, as the museum guards LIFT the case, and carry it onto the train. INT. TUNNEL SHAFT An empty stretch of dimly-lit track, somewhere down the line. Silent. PAN up, way up, to... ...the shadows of a huge air vent. Must be vent #1, because two FIGURES are crouched there, as close as lovers. Even we can barely make them out, until we CLOSE to hear the hushed... GIN (strapping on a backpack) ...way we can use those in here. I thought I was in charge of this operat... MAC You're in charge of ego and worrying. I'm in charge of keeping you alive. He is holding something dull gray and small. It looks like a trun- cated nerf football with one end pointed and the other cut blunt. MAC These are plasma jet. All the force is directed forward, instead of dissipating in a sphere like a grenade. He has four of these. Gives her three. GIN I don't need th... MAC (whispers) Shut up. He reaches out, gently... MAC You don't trust me, you won't get through this. Touches her face. MAC Try to adjust to that for three more days. After July 1... Stares in her eyes. MAC ...you'll never have to trust again. And smiles. One more whisper... MAC Something. To look forward to. INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK The museum guards are back on the landing with the official. Our two soldiers stand facing them from the rear platform of the train car, as... The train RUMBLES to life. Ready to go. INT. MUSEUM Two guards arrive with a hand truck to carry off the empty pedestal, which once supported the Bone's case. One tilts the top of the pedestal back, supporting its weight, as the other stoops to lift the base, and... ...stops. He sees the coin. Oddly flat against the pedestal's shaft. He kneels, tries to lift the coin, but the magnet HOLDS it fast. He looks up to his companion. Then... ...PEELS the coin free, the other guard reaches for it, the first guard YANKS it away, and it FLIES from his hand, INTO the wall, and drops. As the guards go to look, the coin's back has come away. Revealing... ...electronics. INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK An ALARM SHRIEKS at a deafening level. Five museum GUARDS BURST through the doorway, LEAP from the landing, pile into the Jeep, and BLAST OFF down the gravel roadway after the departed train. INT. BARRACKS ENTRANCE A much larger landing at the other end of the tunnel, facing back the opposite way. The ALARM SCREAMS here, too, and massive steel doors CLANG open, as 25 SOLDIERS with assault rifles SWARM out onto the landing, taking up sharpshooter positions, weapons pointing back up the track. INT. AIR VENT #1 Mac and Gin crouched in the vent, high above the track, gas masks dangle around their necks, magnet paddles from their wrists, various objects from their belt loops. The alarm ECHOES, absolutely EAR-SPLITTING. She leans to shout in his ear... GIN WE HAVE TO ABORT! Above the siren, we can now hear the TRAIN coming... MAC HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO MAKE A CAREER OF THIS, IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A LITTLE INCONVENIENCE? The train LOUDER, closer, the alarm BLARING... GIN THEY'VE GOT AN ARMY DOWN TH... MAC I can do this. Quietly. Straight in her eyes. The train ROARS into view, FLASHES beneath them, as he GRABS her wrist and... ...JUMPS, HURTLING DOWN, both STRIKING the empty rear platform, Gin slipping off, but he HOLDS her fast, SWIPING with his magnet which... ...CLANKS hard, LOCKS solid. He PULLS her onto the platform, she looks dazed, clinging to him, he tugs her gas mask into place, slips on his own, and... ...FITS a magnetic DEVICE from his belt loop ONTO the door lock, SPINS a dial on the device, which POPS the lack OPEN, Mac BURSTING... ...THROUGH the door, lobbing a GAS GRENADE at the startled guards, who try to whirl and FIRE through the fog of red smoke, two wild SHOTS above the rolling Mac, and they are felled by the gas where they stand. Gin races in, falling on her butt, as the car ROCKS along the track. Points OUT the window... GIN (through mask) THERE'S THE NUMBER TWO VENT, ONLY 45 SECONDS TO THE THIRD! Scrambling to her feet, Mac wheeling toward the Bone. GIN (through mask) TEST THE CASE! He THROWS a handful of coins at the glass case, and purple UV BEAMS ARC from the glass to FRY the coins in midair. Mac pulls a dull rectangle the size of a cigar box from Gin's backpack, as we SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL The Jeep BLASTING after the train at crazy speed, the four non- drivers with weapons at the ready... INT. BARRACKS LANDING TROOPS FILL the platform, and have spilled onto the tracks, enough weapons to dust Butch and Sundance. INT. TRAIN Mac operating the cigar box which is actually a customized OSCILLOSCOPE, with countless KNOBS and a SCREEN which displays WAVE PATTERNS. The machine is emitting SHRILL whistling TONES that cut through even the siren. GIN (through mask) TAKE IT TO 30 AND CLIMB! Mac SPINS the dials and two overhead light bulbs BLOW. The glass case housing a fire ax SHATTERS. The Bone's case is untouched. SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL WITH the Jeep, BOMBING around a curve to SEE the train at last. WE OPEN FIRE, accelerating after the train with everything we've got, gravel FLYING like shrapnel, and up ahead... ...the train's windows BLOW OUT, the tunnel SHOWERED with glass fragments. SMASH CUT... INT. TRAIN Mac JUICING the box, the deafening TONE competing with the sirens, the gunshots, Gin SHRIEKING as she points through a blasted-out window... GIN (through mask) THIRD VENT GONE! And the Bone's case EXPLODES, Gin WHIRLING away to protect her face, as we SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL The Jeep now ALONGSIDE the rear platform of the train. The driver fighting to hold it steady, as... ...the guards begin to CLAMBER over the side, GRASPING for the platform's rails, one goes DOWN screaming onto the tracks, but two MAKE IT, then a third, they BURST... ...INTO the train to see... Nothing. Two groggy, half-conscious soldiers. Discarded gas masks, oscilloscope. No Mac. No Gin. And inside the shattered case... A chicken bone. The pack-rat strikes again. INT. TUNNEL Mac and Gin FLATTENED to the side of the train above the window line, held fast by their magnets. We are on the opposite side from the gravel path, so the train screens us from the jeep. SHOUTING above the din... GIN THERE'S THE FOURTH! Up ahead an AIR VENT looms, we are HURTLING toward it. Mac and Gin each free one hand, reach into their backpacks for... GIN OUR LAST CHANCE, THE FIFTH IS AT THE BARRACKS! ...twin GRAPNEL GUNS, which look like big 9mm pistols, but with a blunt, round end. As we STREAK toward the VENT, Gin lifts her gun, SHOOTS at it, a cable-attached PROJECTILE EXPLODING toward the target, OPENING in mid-flight to a three-pronged HOOK, which... ...FALLS just SHORT, the hook tumbling to CLANG on the tracks, as Mac... ...FIRES his, the projectile EXPLODING, the hook OPENING and... ...BITES into the wall, only four feet from the vent, its cable stretching back to the gun in Mac's hand, we're almost there, and Mac slips the pistol... ...INTO Gin's free hand. GIN WHAT ABOUT YOU? MAC ALLOW US A MOMENT OF CHIVALRY. Their eyes meet. He sees her hesitate to abandon him. MAC FIRST RULE. SAVE NUMBER ONE. They FLASH PAST the vent, Mac RELEASES her magnet, Gin's freed hand GRASPING to join the other at the pistol, as she... ...ROCKETS up, CATAPULTED back toward the vent by the retractable cable, as a RIFLE APPEARS from a window beneath us, taking aim at Gin, and Mac... KICKS it off line, the shot BOOMING, the guard almost dropping the weapon, then SWINGING it back UP, slamming the muzzle directly INTO Mac's GROIN, as Mac... ...GRASPS the barrel, YANKING it up, SLIPS the shot SCREAMING past his head, PULLING the guard half out the window to KICK his face, sending him DOWN to the tracks, as we CAREEN around a curve, seeing in distance now... ...the END of the line, the massive BARRACKS LANDING, the phalanx of TROOPS, the fifth and final AIR VENT midway between us. Mac's free hand pulls out... ...the lone PLASMA GRENADE he kept for himself, and as we CAREEN toward the troops, Mac HEAVES the grenade uptrack, and it... ...EXPLODES in a horrifying FIREBALL, which RIPS UP the train tracks, COLLAPSING a section of tunnel wall ONTO the gravel path, a choking CLOUD of yellow SMOKE filling the tunnel, obscuring everything, our train ROCKETING... ...TOWARD the flames, nearly AT the metal SUPPORT BEAM which runs vertically up to the final air vent, and as the train FLASHES PAST it, Mac... LUNGES out, SLAMMING both magnets ONTO the support beam, the momentum FLATTENING his body fully horizontal like a flag on a pole, the train PLUNGING ON without him, as guards shoot blindly back from the windows, the jeep PLOWING full tilt INTO the rubble of tunnel wall, the train... ...DERAILING in a terrifying CRUSH of twisted metal, screams, shouts, the smoke and flame everywhere, and we SNAP TO... REVERSE ANGLE...the soldiers' POV from the landing, SCATTERING as the derailed train HURTLES AT them, INTO them, chaos, until at last they see... ...above the clearing smoke, near the tunnel ceiling... ...Mac CLIMBING deftly up the support beam, magnets CLANKING, hand over hand, nearly at the vent, and the shouting troops... ...OPEN FIRE, bullets CHEWING UP the tunnel wall, as we SMASH CUT TO... INT. STORAGE ROOM - DAY Silence. Cluttered, dimly-lit storage room. Boxes of SHOES reach to the ceiling, Gucci, Bruno Magli, the good stuff. Footsteps precede... ...a young SALESMAN, tailored, attractive. He goes right to the shelf he needs. Opens a box. Takes it and two others. As his steps recede, we PAN UP to... ...the ceiling. The mesh grating, which soundlessly... ...slides away. Gin DROPS lightly, twelve feet to the floor. Filthy from her adventure, she quickly unzips her backpack to remove... ...a sleek Halliburton case. Opens it. The Oracle Bone undamaged in its cushioned setting. Steps returning, she is... ...OUT of her jumpsuit in a heartbeat, revealing a costly slip of a dress, kicks the jump suit under the bottom shelf, as... ...the young salesman APPEARS to find her peeking into a shoe box. He is startled. She scowls at him, rubbing the grime from her face... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) There you are! Do you know how filthy this place is? Shows her dirty fingers as proof. SALESMAN (subtitled Mandarin) Madam, no one is supp... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) I'm looking for dress pumps, I'll need eight pairs. Oh. GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Unless you're too busy to help me. SALESMAN (subtitled Mandarin) Well, no, I... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Come to think of it, I need some dresses for evening... Lifts the Halliburton case, slings her pack over her shoulder, strides to the doorway. See the crowded upscale boutique... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Are you coming? Out she goes. And he follows. Maybe he's on commission. INT. VENT - DAY Mac, very much alive, somewhat the worse for wear, crawling through a darkened pipe on his belly, toward... ...a grating. Light filters through. Reaching the screen, he squints through it. Can't see shit. Listens. Nothing that rises above an ambient wooshing of air in the duct. He grasps the wires, pushes, and... ...FALLS straight THROUGH, tumbling ten feet to CRASH LAND in a heap. HEAR feminine SCREAMS before we look up to... ...three young WOMEN trying on lingerie, being attended by an older SALESWOMAN. The girls are half-naked and as Mac rises, one THROWS a red lace TEDDY in his face. He peels it off, and still holding the garment, calmly tells the saleswoman... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) It's all right, the security cameras behind the mirrors are working again. At which the customers SHRIEK, cover themselves all the more, and begin screaming at the poor saleswoman. During which... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) Well. If everything is in order... All four women. Look at him. EXT. LINGERIE SHOP, SHIN KONG MALL - SUNSET CLOSE on an entrance, just as Mac comes... ...FLYING THROUGH, propelled by two sizeable SECURITY GUARDS, once again landing in pieces. It's a long day. As Mac clears his head, they stand at the doorway with folded arms. Hoping he wants some more. MAC WHAT KIND OF A COUNTRY IS THIS? IN BRITAIN, A MAN CAN TRY ON LINGERIE WITHOUT COMPROMISING HIS DIGNITY! The bruisers look at each other. No habla Espanol. EXT. KAOHSHING HARBOR, TAIWAN - DUSK A super TUGBOAT, engines RUMBLING, ready to pull out. A woman paces the deck. Every time we see her, she seems more tightly wrapped. At last... ...here he comes, stepping briskly from the taxi, striding up the gangway, pulling from inside his coat... ...the red lace teddy. He drapes it over her face, and she pulls it away, steps into his arms... ...her kiss is urgent. Real. HOLD on the look in her eyes. What is she thinking? He strokes her hair, gently. Then, goes to look into the Halliburton case, which stands by the rail. As he crouches. As he looks at the Bone... She is watching him. An intensity to her gaze. More feeling than she is comfortable with, which... ...disappears completely, as he turns to her. And when he mimes FLINGING the case into the sea... She laughs. EXT. STATUE SQUARE, HONG KONG - DAY CLOSE on a British Petroleum BILLBOARD with a huge DIGITAL CLOCK, counting down by seconds...JUNE 29, 1997, 11:32 A.M. - 1 DAY, 12 HOURS, 27 MINUTES, 48 SECONDS TO: REUNION WITH CHINA! PAN to an AERIAL VIEW of... Hong Kong's bustling STATUE SQUARE, the hub of countless feeder streets and alleyways, as we ROAM to a SERIES OF SHOTS... ...billboards everywhere. Western businesses that announce WE'LL STILL BE HERE FOR YOU. Others, primarily British, sending farewells, gratitude for past patronage. China-sponsored depictions of happy Hong Kong and Chinese citizens, proclaim ONE COUNTRY, TWO SYSTEMS. ...moving vans, people pushing carts of belongings, shop signs advertising blowout inventory clearance sales. Traffic beyond gridlock. The human ant colony. ...incredibly long queues in front of post offices, American Express, the imposing glass and steel skyscraper called the HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK BUILDING. ...large groups of uniformed CHINESE SOLDIERS in the streets. More orderly DEMONSTRATION by anti-China PROTESTERS, their signs say MORE DEMOCRACY and FREE HONG KONG, their numbers watched by Chinese soldiers, who in turn are watched by British soldiers. CLOSE on the square now. A couple at a sidewalk vendor. Mac is purchasing a t-shirt. Gin dutifully lifts her arms, and Mac slips the garment over her head. It says CHINA GOT HONG KONG, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT. He regards her thoughtfully, and she turns, modeling for him as if wearing a Givenchy original. He approves, lifts the Halliburton case, and they move on, strolling, chatting until Mac... ...bumps HARD into a Chinese SOLDIER, both men REELING with the impact. The soldier carries an identical HALLIBURTON CASE, and the two men set their cases down side by side, as Mac steps forward... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) FUCKING HELL! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, MAN! No one notices, no one cares. Gin tugs on Mac's arm, don't get involved, dear. Mac reluctantly steps back. The soldier glares at him. Then, bends and picks up... ...Mac's case. A parting epithet in Mandarin, and the soldier starts off. Watching him, Mac unobtrusively fingers a concealed... ...PISTOL, ready for action. But keeps watching, as within a few yards, the soldier... ...stops. Opens the case. Checks out the Oracle Bone, right there in the middle of the square. Mac and Gin watching across the distance, with hair-trigger keenness. At last the soldier CLOSES the case... ...walks back to us. SOLDIER (subtitled Mandarin) I believe I took your case. Handing it to Mac, he leans forward, and in low, aecented English... SOLDIER 21 Old Peak Road. In 45 minutes. Picks up his own case. And is gone. EXT. MANSION, VICTORIA PEAK - DAY A vintage Aston Martin pulls up to a spectacular gated MANSION. Sparkling white, it is a blend of Edwardian and Regency. Gin is driving, speaks into the voice box, and the gate swings open. As they pull up the crushed rock driveway... ...a BUTLER appears, as British as the architecture. Climbing from the car, Mac has the Halliburton case. BUTLER Will you please come this way? And leads them around the side of the house. They walk slowly, a distance behind the butler, taking everything in. MAC I like this. His voice is strong, calm. No hint of a smile. GIN You like wha... MAC Not being told what the fuck we're doing. She looks equally serious. Just more tense. GIN You're on a 'need to know' basis. You'll get each step in time to execute, I thought you agreed to those condit... MAC (quietly) I like your not trusting me. Because it frees me to do the same. They come upon the spacious GROUNDS behind the mansion. A breathtaking view down the slope of Victoria Peak to Hong Kong and the harbor. Kowloon across the water. GIN I trust you. I only need to... MAC ...remain in control. They pass a towering row of perfect ROSEBUSHES. Mac SNAPS OFF a giant blossom. MAC Which is a sign of weakness. And hands it to her. Their eyes meet. MAC I like that, too. At the edge of the garden, above the commanding view, a luncheon TABLE has been set. Spread with delcacies. Two SERVANTS attend, also British. Only the host is seated. He does not rise. GIN Colonel Col. Qiu glances up from his meal. Green PLA uniform, absurdly decorated, wraparound Gautier sunglasses. We recognize him as the man who took Gin's call in his Mercedes in Tienanmen Square. The man who accompanied the poor Minister of Finance to the ophthal- mologist. QIU You look lovely, Ginger. Is the rose for me? GIN Of course. And leans prettily. To fasten it in the buttonhole of his lapel. GIN Col. Qiu Lai Chuen, this is Andrew MacDougal. Hearing his real name, Mac cuts her a look. GIN Real names here, darling. The Colonel and I have every incentive to keep each other's secrets. And she sits. Close to Qiu. Mac looks around at the property, the view. QIU Like the place, Andy? MAC Please. Mr. MacDougal will do. The Colonel smiles. First time. Like an alligator. Mac notices that the tablecloth is actually... ...a Union Jack. He fingers the flag. QIU This way. Doesn't matter if we spill. MAC My sentiments exactly. He sits. QIU This place was a gift. From its former owner. A Brit whose business will now happily continue to function. Perhaps...even expand. MAC (spreading his napkin) Planning to spend much time here? QIU Tho it has required many sacrifices. GIN The Colonel has divorced his wife. To facilitate the necessary entertaining of Western women. QIU Tho some are more entertaining than others. And runs the back of his knuckles up the length of Gin's bare arm. MAC Colonel. You are touching the woman I love... Which brings Qiu's eyes over. Really? MAC From time to time. And pulls up the Halliburton case. Handing it across the table. As Qiu takes the case in his lap, opens it... QIU You're a Scot. Would you like some 25-year-old Macallan? MAC Sure, I'll take a case. Qiu glances across the lawn to the butler, who stands behind the bar trolley. As the drinks are prepared, the Colonel studies the Bone. GIN The Colonel told his Minister of Culture that he could mount a surgical raid to liberate this treasure from Taiwan. MAC Ah. How much was the Minister told the raid would cost? QIU (not looking up) Counting equipment, personnel, bribes, an even fifty million American. All in. MAC Which you can now keep. The drinks arrive. QIU He would have paid twice that. But my needs are modest. And lifts from beneath the table, a leather POUCH. QIU Unlike. The woman you love. From time to time. Drops it into Gin's lap. She opens the pouch to reveal... ...goggles. Like one would wear in a tanning salon. Only these are flesh-colored with one small hole in the center of each lens. Slightly larger than the size of a pupil. She slips them on. A bright smile. GIN How do I look, honey? And Mac smiles. In return. MAC Like a woman. Of mystery. INT. SUITE, PENINSULA HOTEL - LATE NIGHT Glass doors open WIDE to a terrace which overlooks Kowloon, the harbor, Hong Kong Island beyond. More lights than stars in heaven. And speaking of heaven... ...the SOUNDS of lovemaking are fierce, feral, an urgent rhythm, part comic, part wondrous, and mostly, arousing enough to make us PAN TO... ...lovemaking in silhouette. This is the lovemaking of tigers, mesmerizing to watch, ferocious enough to inspire envy, and somehow... ...tender enough. To suggest real love. LATER...Mac and Gin sit before the open terrace. There is wine and food and abandoned clothing all around them. She has her pack drawn near. And Qiu's leather pouch. She removes the goggles... This is the moment. GIN In the Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank Building. Is a room with two computers. One for you. And one for me. MAC Glad I have a function, here. GIN The room is a vault on the 14th floor. Access codes to that room are changed daily, computer pass- words on the hour, but... But. She is electric, more alive than he's ever seen her. GIN Four men in the world. Don't need codes. Their retinas will scan to unlock everything. One of these is China's Minister of Finance. She lifts the goggles... MAC And his retinal plate is in there. Yep. MAC Our trade for the great train robbery. All right, let's say we're in the door. Now what? From her pack, she pulls a slender black rectangle. Opens it to reveal a shiny metallic DISC. GIN Hong Kong has a huge portion of its holdings invested in foreign banks. In hundreds of separate accounts... Holds up the metallic disc. GIN This CD ROM is programmed to send, instantaneously, thousands of instruc- tions, with all necessary confirmation codes, to transfer reasonably modest sums out of those accounts.... MAC Modest. GIN Two or three million at a crack, in odd numbers. Total, eight billion. And change. MAC And you've set up a laundry. GIN Every wire transfer gets rocketed through a series of multiple switches, Austria, Uruguay, Antigua, The Channel Islands, the Caymans... MAC (quietly) Seychelles? GIN (beat) I left that out. MAC You're forgiven. GIN Thank you. As soon as each deposit lands somewhere, it's shot somewhere else, til the Mafia couldn't find it. MAC But those first instructions, transferring the 8 billion dollars. They're recorded in the main computer. She waggles the disc. GIN Nope. The CD instructs the computer to erase the real transactions. And replace them in its memory with an innocuous loan coded XJ6. Little homage to Limeyland, there. MAC Dearest. The accounts won't reconcile. She waggles the disc. Again. GIN Wrong. The CD instructs the computer to over-report all account totals forever, in the exact amounts we've lifted. So the Chinese think the money's still there. On this one. He has to smile. MAC The money. Is still. Missing. GIN Sure, the foreign banks know they sent out some money. But they think Hong Kong knows it, too. And since we're leaving plenty in every account... MAC The shit doesn't splatter. Until the first account runs dry. Exactly. GIN And then. Comes the really brilliant part of the whole thing! MAC I was hoping there'd be one. He settles back. Looks at her. GIN Admit it, so far you're blown away. Well... MAC It does sound like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. And his fingers reach out... MAC Pity it will be over. In 21 hours. Touch her hair. Her face. She swallows. A raw moment. A hoarse... GIN Bet you say that. To all the one-night-stands. But he's just staring in her eyes. The look pins her. She can't wriggle off. A murmured... MAC No, ma'am... He leans to her... MAC Only the best of them. They kiss. EXT. STATUE SQUARE - ROUND MIDNIGHT CLOSE on the British Petroleum billboard, where the countdown CLOCK says...JUNE 30, 1997, 11:41 P.M., 0 DAYS, 0 HOURS, 18 MINUTES, 51 SECONDS TO: REUNION WITH CHINA! The square is beyond BEDLAM. Times Square looks deserted New Year's Eve compared to this carnival CRUSH of humanity, rock and rolling as if reunion with China was the doorway to Paradise. Singing, chanting, screaming, dancing, music and booze everywhere, firecrackers exploding, soldiers and civilians, tycoons and hookers, tourists and peddlers and Party members and homeless, going absolutely nuts. Who knows. Could be the last party. Ever. WHIP PAN to the crowded plaza in front of the towering glass-and- steel headquarters of the HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK. ZOOM to focus on our smashing couple in evening wear, Gin with a large beaded shoulder bag. Mac presents an invitation to a PLA soldier, who admits them into... INT. PUBLIC LOBBY, HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK ...a VIP party going full blast in the lobby of this truly breathtaking structure. A central ATRIUM rises 47 floors, creating a soaring clear core, around which the offices and working spaces are ringed. The view straight up is interrupted only at three well-spaced levels, where thick CANOPIES of glass, stitched together with spidery skeletons of steel, SPAN the open core. Mac looks up... ...at the balcony railings surrounding the atrium, the revelers have been granted access to the lower five floors. Above these, all is empty. MAC Nice of the Colonel to provide an invitation... She is guiding him toward one of the multiple hors d'oeuvre stations. Half the celebrants seem to be armed PLA soldiers, many with rifles slung boldly across their shoulders. GIN Well, I promised him a bonus. Five million. Comes out of your share. MAC ...long as I don't have to have sex with him. Mac loads up on six hors d'oeuvres, piling them on a napkin, as she takes two flutes of champagne. They step away from the mob toward a potted plant near the wall, and Mac... ...drops his snacks with a SPLAT. Shit. Bending to clean the mess, he slips from his waistband a flat CIRCUIT BOARD with a bank logo and a three-pronged plug. In a single motion, he plugs it INTO a socket concealed by the pot, scoops up his canapes, and we CUT TO... INT. SURVEILLANCE ROOM Three SECURITY OFFICERS blink, as ALL FIFTY monitor screens go HAYWIRE at once. The images compressed to a blur of lines between a series of diagonal SLACK BARS that slash across the screens. The way your TV acts when the horizontal hold goes out. They can't believe it. Stumped, they start slamming buttons, flipping switches, jabbering to each other. Now the images begin to ROLL vertically, as if in response to their attempts at adjustment. Welcome to the world of high tech. INT. ELEVATOR BANK Mac and Gin wait with a party of older Brits, who've had plenty to drink and are carrying more. Two armed soldiers flank the elevators. A car arrives. As the Brits enter... MAC (politely) We'll take the next one. Waiting, calmly. Mac smiles at a soldier. MAC (subtitled Mandarin) What time tomorrow do the tanks roll in? The guy LAUGHS. An elevator arrives. Gin sipping champagne as they enter. The doors CLOSE. They are alone. The panel has floors 1 through 5 lit. The other numbers, 6-10 and 16-47, are dark. There are NO numbers 11-15. Mac pulls from his pocket a small flat DEVICE, not much thicker than a credit card, with a window and a series of LED lights on its face. He fits it into a SLOT beside a black glass PLATE on the elevator panel. Immediately, the LEDs scramble, all RED, numbers FLASH across the card's window, as the device begins to lock on the elevator code. In sequence, the LEDs turn GREEN, and... ...the glass plate LIGHTS, announcing in Kanji and English...ACCES GRANTED TO FLOORS 11, 12, 14, 15. Mac presses the lit number 14. The elevator RISES. He looks over at her. She is tight enough to snap. We can feel her heart racing from here. MAC So all that time, sitting at your computers. All the research, the access codes your job allowed you to steal, floor plans, schematics... setting up all your bank accounts... She looks irritated. He is smiling, gently. MAC Years of work, comes down to.... (checks his watch) ...six minutes. Don't be nervous. Easy come, easy go. She looks away. The elevator stops. MAC Your share prob'ly works out to, what? Dollar and a quarter an hour? Me laughs. The door opens. She is pissed off. GIN What's your point? MAC (very real) That I like you, Ginger. Now they're staring at each other. An open elevator door. An empty dim hallway. They see only each other. MAC The dedication, the skill, the guts... He holds out the crook of his arm. As a gentleman escorts a lady. MAC I'm going to see you get everything you deserve. Her eyes flicker on that. So he grins... MAC Woman. If you can't have fun, right now. You're in the wrong business. She looks in his eyes. Her body seems to relax, just a little. She takes his arm. INT. 14TH FLOOR CLOSE on a KEYPAD. Next to it, a mirrored PLATE with two APERTURES, set apart the distance of human eyes. Gin's goggled face DROPS into frame, reflected in the mirrored surface. She fits her eyes to the apertures... GIN (whispers) Open. Sesame. A red scanning light APPEARS. Tracks vertically. BEEPS. Tracks horizontally. And from somewhere... ...a soft CLICK. PULL BACK now, to see... They stand at what seems the door to a BANK VAULT. Round, gigantic, heavy steel. Bolts eyerywhere. Mac reaches to GRASP the handle, and... CLANG. The door swings OPEN. They stare at the inner sanctum... ...a windowless ROOM. Dim, eerie fluorescence. A blast of white noise from the elaborate air-cooling system. Two large MAINFRAME COMPUTERS face each other from opposite walls, desks and work stations with PC monitors filling the space between. As Mac closes the vault door behind them... ...Gin goes quickly to the smaller mainframe. Pulls the high- resolution monitor around on its adjustable arm. The screensaver displays Guernsey cows swimming among tropical fish. She hits a key. The screen saver replaced by, WELCOME. AUTHORIZATION MODE PLEASE. Two boxes for PASSWORD and SCAN. She hits SCAN. A plastic shield RISES, revealing... ...the mirrored PLATE, the tiny APERTURES. Gin leans to fit her goggled eyes in place. The red scanning light. Vertical track. BEEP. Horizontal track. And the monitor announces...WELCOME MINISTER FEIHONG. Gin takes off the goggles, and... ...THROWS them across the room to Mac at the larger mainframe. As he repeats the scanning process, Gin is loading the precious CD-ROM into her mainframe's driver. Watches the screen... GIN Uploading. And you've got... two minutes, fifty seconds. WITH Mac now. Typing the words CONTROL PANEL. The screen now shows icons for time setting, and he clicks his mouse to create a CLOCK in the center of the screen, labeled LOCAL TIME, and reading 11:57:19, changing with each second that passes... MAC So let's see. Across town at the British Consulate... INTERCUT...frenzied activity in a large war room filled with computers, wall screens, every worker functioning at top speed... CONTINUE to hear Mac over this... MAC (V.O.) ...everyone is working frantically to complete transactions before they go off-line at midnight. CUT BACK to Mac in the vault. He clicks his mouse to create a clock at the LEFT of the screen, labeled BRITISH TERMINAL TIME. It is, of course, showing the same time as the local clock. MAC ...then, deep in the high-tech bowels of the Bank of China Building, just across the square... INTERCUT...an even larger war room, even better staffed and equipped. Everyone...doing...nothing. Staring at blank monitors and wall screens. MAC (V.O.) ...the Chinese are sitting on their thumbs, waiting to come on-line at midnight. CUT BACK to Mac in the vault. He clicks his mouse to create another clock at the RIGHT of the screen, labeled CHINA TERMINAL TIME. Shows the same time as the other clocks. 11:58:22. MAC I feel for these boys. Let's give them a breather, hmmn? CLICKS the mouse, and the BRITISH TERMINAL TIME begins FLASHING. MAC We'll let the Brits go off-line 4 seconds early. As the flashing clock reaches 11:58:30, and Mac HITS the key four times, advancing the British clock to 34 seconds, four seconds later than the others. MAC And we'll give our new Chinese overlords 4 extra seconds of rest before they have to go on-line. As the local and Chinese clocks reach 40 seconds, Mac HITS the key four times, regressing the Chinese clock back to 36 seconds. We watch all three clocks, clicking down the last moments of British rule. The British clock is 4 seconds FAST, the Chinese clock 4 seconds SLOW. MAC Playing God here, Ginger. We've created 8 seconds that do not exist, anywhere but in this room. LOCAL TIME...11:59:00. One minute to midnight. MAC 8 seconds, where no one is on-line but your little CD-Rom. He turns around. Her eyes are waiting. Across the room. MAC And when, eventually, everyone discovers what transaction XJ6 was really about... GIN China will think it happened before midnight. Britain will swear it happened after midnight... MAC They'll each be positive. The other guy. Did it. Mac sighs. This is a sad thing. MAC Liable to be an ugly international incident. She squints across at his clock. GIN Britain off-line in 18 seconds. We're bulletproof. His smile returns. Bittersweet and real... MAC Baby girl. Nothing. Is bulletproof. Ever. The look holds. He turns back to his screen. She lingers on him for an instant. Then, back to the mainframe, finger poised above her ENTER key... MAC Britain goes bye-bye in 6... 5...4...3. INTERCUT...The British Consulate. All screens go DARK. A logo APPEARS of a POPPING Champagne BOTTLE, whose spray forms a Union Jack twined with a PRC flag, everyone SHOUTS, cheers or curses, and we SMASH CUT... BACK to Gin...striking ENTER, the screen flashing TRANSACTIONS XJ6 PROCESSING. GIN (softly) Jesus God, it's going through. MAC (watching his clocks) Hong Kong midnight, happy new year. Except at China Bank. GIN (to her screen) C'mon, c'mon... Her screen flashes TRANSACTIONS XJ6 COMPLETED, hear her SHRIEK of ecstasy, as we... INTERCUT...Bank of China where dark screens suddenly LIGHT with the same stupid PARTY LOGO. Only nobody cheers. They just get to work. BACK TO the vault... MAC Feel like a nightcap? But across the way, Gin is JAMMING a button. Again. Again. GIN The CD won't come out of the driver. Houston. We have a problem. MAC Relax, don't jam it... GIN (jamming it) FUCKING THING!! He crosses the room. She's rummaging on a nearby desk, finds a LETTER OPENER. MAC Don't panic, now, there's no rush... GIN We can't leave it IN THERE, it's got all our accounts, everything that can NAIL us to a goddam CROSS!! She's fitting the letter opener INTO the narrow slot above the lid of the driver. MAC Easy with that, there's no ru... WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Every SIREN in the skyscraper is SHRIEKING, lights are FLASHING CRIMSON, Gin's screen says SECURITY BREACH in a selection of languages. Gin just staring at it. GIN There's a rush. The sirens are EAR-SPLITTING. We know that elsewhere in this building, all hell must be breaking loose. Gin is YANKING Mac's arm out of the socket... GIN LET'S MOVE IT, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING F... MAC The disc. Is still in there. Yeh. She stares at it. Really scared. GIN We can't help it, we...we've gotta... He stares at her. In one motion, he SNATCHES a stapler from the desk and SMASHES the driver with all his strength. It pops open. Calmly, he plucks her CD from the tray. She mouths a barely audible... GIN What a guy. But just as she's about to bolt...he holds up one hand. Slips another CD from his pocket. We see the words KENNY G. MAC Was wondering where to leave this... Pops it IN the drive. SLAMS it shut. MAC (quietly) Time to go. INT. CORRIDOR Mac and Gin RUNNING full tilt through the siren BLARE, turning a corner to see ahead... ...the balcony railing, the building's empty central CORE. Mac BOLTS straight TOWARD it, Gin sprinting to follow, lungs pounding, they reach the railing, looking DOWN to see... Hysteria, unimaginable chaos. Soldiers, black-tie partygoers, SCRAMBLING in all directions, looking to his left Mac sees... ...the bank of ELEVATORS, soldiers POURING in, some cars already RISING, fourth floor, fifth. Now he looks directly BELOW, where... ...soldiers are POUNDING up the metal service staircase, the front rank almost at the third floor. In the lobby, some faces look up to see us, but no one is shooting. GIN They don't know we're the bad guys. He PLUNGES his hand into her shoulder bag... MAC Time they find out. Pulls OUT two PLASMA GRENADES, and FLINGS one toward the elevator cables three floors down and it... ...EXPLODES in a horrifying FIREBALL, causing PANDEMONIUM in the lobby below, the elevator cables BLOWN AWAY, cars PLUNGING, the yellow smoke momentarily screening us from the soldiers far below, and Mac HURLS the second grenade... ...STRAIGHT DOWN and the fireball WIPES OUT the staircase, a huge section of ninth floor landing RAINING down on the lobby. GIN Okay. How do we get down? MAC Down? I never liked down. Grabs her hand and they RACE to the staircase, as smoke BILLOWS everywhere below. UP they go, two stairs at a time, the lowest glass-and-spiderweb-steel CANOPY is three floors above us, the cacophany of SHOUTS below is like an amplified insane asylum. He is dragging her now, up, up, BULLETS are flying blind through the smoke, CHEWING up metal and glass all around us, up, up, and as the smoke at last clears, they have reached... ...the canopy floor. They can see the army down below. Clutching her hand, Mac leads her OVER the railing, ONTO the canopy itself, and together they RUN... ...straight ACROSS the heavy glass toward the far side of the building, like space-walking above the throng 150 feet below, BULLETS now TRACING their path from beneath, SLAMMING OFF the underside of the bulletproof canopy, Gin SHRIEKING with fright as they go. We see ahead... ...three EXECUTIVE ELEVATORS beginning to climb the far wall. These are glass-enclosed tubes, all filled with soldiers, the car in the lead already at the tenth floor. Mac keeps running straight TOWARD them. GIN (out of breath) WE'VE GOT ONE MORE GRENADE! MAC (not) SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY! They make it to the edge of the canopy, the lead elevator only two floors below them. We can see the soldiers through the glass. Mac GRASPS her hand, and as the car nears our level... MAC You can do this. They LEAP across five feet of open air to... ...LAND squarely on the car's metal roof, Mac WRAPPING his free arm AROUND the cable, and UP we go. The ant colony below us receding fast. Gin is hanging onto the cable, petrified. Mac is looking up toward the roof. GIN Okay, now what? MAC (absently) Shut up. You're on a 'need-to- know' basis. GIN Mac, I'm sorry. He looks at her. Just now, she seems more miserable than afraid. GIN Turns out, I'm a screw-up. He doesn't smile. Passing the third canopy. MAC Well. Something to be said for being self-aware. Looks back up. Forty-first floor. Six to go. MAC May I have the last grenade, dear. It's about to rain. She blinks. Huh? So he reaches into her bag, pulls out the grenade, and THROWS it... ...STRAIGHT up. The roof above them EXPLODES in a FIREBALL, and SHIELDS her body against the wall of their shaft, as a huge SECTION of roof comes RAINING down. We watch as it... ...CRASHES through the upper canopy, TONS of roof and glass PLUNGING to... ...BLAST through the middle canopy, everyone below SCRAMBLING for shelter, as the whole shebang... ...EXPLODES through the lowest canopy. Gin can only GAPE at the incredible display. Mouthing a silent WOW. They've passed the second canopy, thirty-sixth floor. Still climbing. The other two elevators maybe five floors below us. MAC You see, banking will be more democratic under China. She looks to him. MAC Well. No more glass ceiling. The elevator car has STOPPED. We are at the roof. The soldiers are in the car beneath our feet, nowhere to get out. Above our heads. ...the last few feet of elevator cable. And starry sky, where our patch of roof used to be. MAC How refreshing. The night air. He begins to shimmy up the few feet of cable. At the top, he reaches out with one hand toward the lip of the remaining roof, GRABS it, LUNGES with his free hand, and... ...DANGLING 47 floors, he pulls himself UP, swings ONTO the roof. Reaches back down. She is only twelve feet below him. Frozen with fear. GIN I can't do this. MAC You can. If I say so. She stares up at his eyes. He smiles. MAC If you stay. You'll have to pay for the damage... She looks down at the mess below. And starts to climb the cable. Not so easy in a ball gown, but the adrenaline is pumping. Gets to the top. Here's the hard part. One hand reaches out... ...GRABS his. She lets GO. And she is DANGLING in space. MAC Now that split. Did we say 60-40? And with all his strength, hauls her up onto... ...the roof. Two-thirds of it remain. At the far edge, a gigantic MAINTENANCE CRANE, itself two stories high. But between here and the crane... ...a HELICOPTER. Big and beautifUl and empty. She looks like she's seen God. Mac starts to jog toward it, she runs to follow but sees him go... ...straight PAST the chopper. GIN HEY! He turns back. She points to the copter. It's over here. MAC Got the keys? Oh. GIN I thought you could...hot-wire stuff? Guess not. MAC They fix those things so you can't steal them... And keeps walking. Toward the monster CRANE. MAC These, they're not so worried. Moving fast, he points off to his right. Her eyes follow a long CABLE, leading from the arm of the crane, across the roof, attaching by a huge HOOK to a massive WRECKING BALL. MAC Go grab that hook. He reaches the crane's cab. Turns back to see she hasn't moved. MAC Let me rephrase that. Run and grab that hook. Or die... Got it? She takes off running. He hops IN the cab. PUSHES the start button. It rumbles to life. Tests some levers... GIN (O.S.) SHIT! DON'T DO THAT! He turns to see that he's tightened the cable, pulling her ball six feet in the AIR. She clings to the hook with a true death grip. He lowers her ball to the roof. Getting the hang of it. MAC This only works if you shut your eyes. Which makes her eyes BUG OUT. GIN You're not gonna lower me over the side. MAC Of course not. Now close baby eyes... (she won't) Suit yourself. He THROWS a lever and the crane's arm begins to SWING in a circle, finally taking the ball WITH it, and as she SCREAMS, Mac... ...POUNCES out of the cab, RACING along the edge of the roof, NOT toward the ball which is sweeping the hysterical Gin in a widening ARC, but toward the point where he thinks the ball will clear the edge, and JUST as it does, he... ...LEAPS aboard, throwing one arm around the hook, the other around her, and they go... ...OVER the side, WHOOSHING DOWN in a gigantic, every-increasing LOOP, as the endless steel cable UNWINDS from its huge drum like a fishing reel hooked onto a killer whale. GIN OH NOOOOOOOOOO.... The ride no theme park could insure, SWOOPING out ACROSS the skyline, DROPPING like an anvil, as the cable UNSPOOLS hundreds of feet, nothing but NOTHING for miles below them, Gin grabbing a breath to SHRIEK her guts out, as the monstrous pendulum reaches its max, begins to slow toward that one nauseating motionless instant... MAC Let go NOW!! He YANKS her loose, and they drop... ...four feet. The ball SWINGS OFF lnto space to some unknown mayhem. Clutching Mac, Gin looks WAY down to the street, and realizes they are standing on... ...a rooftop. Quiet, safe. Alone. MAC Planning. She WHIPS around, GLARING death at his eyes. MAC And dumb luck. She COLLAPSES in his arms, every muscle trembling in spasm, sobbing... GIN God, I hate you. He holds her tenderly. Kisses the top of her head. MAC (softly) Good. I hate you, too. EXT. NATHAN ROAD - EARLY MORNING WITH Gin in a soft brunette wig, walking briskly, light carry-all across her shoulder. Very early, even the busiest street in the world is less than that at this hour. Up ahead... ...Tsimshatsui Station, a tall man with a tourist shopping bag, leaning casually against a pole. Talking into a cellular. As she approaches, Mac doesn't seem to notice, but she can now hear his conversation... MAC (into phone) ...if I can't have my usual suite, I'll take my business to the Bristol, simple as that. He sees her now. Smiles small. MAC (into phone) ...why indeed should I be more loyal to you than you've been to me? Think it over. SNAPS the phone shut. MAC You ran your calls. She did. She is frankly exhilarated. GIN All the transactions, all the transfers. It's a miracle. MAC Why? The CD erased the trans- actions, all accounts seem in order. It looks like the thieves were stopped in time. She sighs. It is a miracle. GIN The Colonel says police have nothing. A man in black-tie, a blonde in a gown. The elevator guards saw faces, but no mug shots to ID. I think it's over. Mac's smile. Bittersweet affection. MAC Except it never is, really. Quite. Over. She smiles. It is easy, but dazzling. Atypically soft. GIN Well, one hopes not. The Bristol, huh? In...Paris? Ah. MAC You're not going back to Mr. Cruz, and the nine-to-five? GIN Not hardly. I've arranged to be killed in a car crash. On Taipei. Amazing how little it costs. MAC Well. You want to watch those pennies. She takes a breath. Scared, in an excited way... GIN I could arrange for two. In that crash. His smile back. He looks at his watch. Takes her hand. Leads her to the subway steps. MAC You know, for a bitch. You can be awfully sweet. GIN Woman of mystery. What do you say? I like the Bristol, just fine. mean, it's not the Ritz... MAC You know, all night I've been wrestling with something... GIN Not the most flattering way to put it. He takes his big tourist shopping bag. Puts it in her hand. MAC I've changed your travel plans. They are descending now. Into the vast underground train station. GIN Mine. MAC Instead of taking the subway to the airport, you change at Jordan Station for Kowloon Tong. Got that? Got that? MAC Jordan is only 90 seconds up the line. Like a wire transfer, you're gone. Vanished. He holds up a silencing finger. Listen to me. MAC In this bag are passports, tickets, papers. An amber wig, a good one. A dress you can slip on in five seconds. Her eyes moving over his face. What is this? MAC You're on a tight connection to the Trans-Siberian Express, be in Europe in a week. GIN Mac, wh... MAC Shhh. You always talk too much. They're at the booth. He pays their fare. Through the turnstiles, now. MAC Time has come to return the favor. One last time. Smiles at her. As they enter a tunnel. MAC Tell you. What business. I'm actually in. And in an instant of blind panicked clarity. She gets the whole thing. GIN (hushed) My God. You're a cop. MAC (very softly) That's my girl. Keep walking. People are everywhere. But they are alone in the world. MAC See, my profession was cover, too. A notorious thief has access to colleagues, their plans... He sighs. MAC I've turned in...well, couple hundred. over forty years. Scotland Yard, Interpol, FBI... Looking around the tunnel. MAC Thought I might retire. After you. GIN And all the...microchips, the diamond machine... MAC Well, the chips were returned. The machine was just a box, did you actually think it was real? Glances at her. GIN I thought...everything was real. Stupid girl. End of the tunnel in sight now. It leads to a massive, endless quai. Trains in transit. GIN Those were your jobs, so I could have claimed entrapment. You had to wait. For mine. Nearly there. He says nothing. Looks pretty grim. GIN The Oracle Bone... MAC Well, the State Department liked that one. They have more fish to fry with Beijing than Taiwan. He sighs. MAC So they're taking credit for letting it go through. Tho I'm afraid your Colonel may be in for a career disappointment. She stops walking. She has to know... GIN And the 5 billion. Ah. That. MAC I haven't told them. Gently, takes her arm. Leads her onto the endless train platform. Walking slower now. MAC I said you hadn't revealed the job. That it wouldn't take place until after the changeover. Down the platform they stroll. As her eyes wander... MAC Don't look, they're there. Her breath catches. Her eyes go down. GIN And my tickets. In the shopping bag? MAC Well. Kept my options open. If I give you up, they don't matter, do they? Her heart pounding through her chest. GIN If. MAC Had lots of crazy thoughts. One was retirement. With four billion dollars. After all, I know some places where life could be private... GIN But you couldn't do that, huh? They've stopped. Just two travellers in a strange land. waiting for a train. GIN Otherwise. They wouldn't be here. He nods. Smiling pleasantly. MAC Creature of habit. I suppose. We feel her adrenaline racing. GIN Lots. Of thoughts, you s... MAC Keep smiling. They won't move, until I raise my left arm. And so she smiles. As prettily as she can manage. MAC I thought. Well, I've got the CD. I could contact the banks, reverse all the transactions... A train is COMING. We HEAR it. MAC ...except maybe. Leave you with... oh, a hundred million, say. To tide you over. SEE the train. Slowing. Pulling in. MAC Then, I thought, nah. Not my style. With a SHRIEK of metal. The train PULLS toward us. MAC I figured. What the hell? What the hell? MAC Let her keep the lot. The train STOPS. The doors OPEN. People come out, people go in. Pouring around them. They are alone again. The subway doors stand open. Two feet away. She looks at them... MAC No rush. The doors won't close for 60 seconds. Sixty seconds. And still smiling... MAC There's a pistol in the bag. Reach in slowly. Take it out fast. Point it at my temple. She freezes to stone. MAC You can do it. If I say you can. And she...DOES IT. A blinding MOVE, the gun straight at his head, Mac miming fear, raising his hands to chill the agents we... WHIP PAN to see. Half a dozen, everywhere, but none too close. They REACT, pull their weapons, but it's a stand-off. BACK TO... Two people. Alone in the universe. MAC Step onto the car, keep the pistol trained on my face. She hesitates. Does as he says. Passengers are screaming, cringing, bolting for other cars. Our world is FROZEN. His hands raised... MAC Seems I was wrong. Gentle smile. MAC Entrapment. Is what robbers. Do to cops, huh? Her eyes are flooding. The gun is trembling. MAC Twenty seconds. Shoot me in the shoulder, it'll slow them down. Her pistol is shaking like she has palsy. Tears are on her cheeks. GIN Oughta shoot you in the face. MAC Come on, you can do it, if I sa... GIN No way. Not anymore. She sobs. She can't stand this. MAC Ten seconds, hold on. GIN When do I see you? There is no answer. There are no words. The doors HISS SHUT. She stares, training her pistol on him through the glass, his hands reaching back to hold off the agents, and the train... PULLS away. An instant to pick up speed, and it ROARS into a tunnel. Gone. Mac stands motionless as ALL HELL breaks loose around him, AGENTS rushing to his side, Mac shaking his head, calmly... Still staring after the train. MAC Airport. Changing at Mongkok Station, we can cut her off. Walkie-talkies WHIP out. These guys are the same the world over. We begin to CRANE UP... MAC She might lose the wig, be looking brunette or blonde, navy pants suit... AGENT I think Yaumatei changes for the airport, and it's closer. Keep PULLING UP, an AERIAL VIEW now, too high to see their faces... MAC (O.S.) I think you're wrong, but cover it. You got maybe four minutes. HIGHER still, the mob below an ant colony... MAC (O.S., calmly) No problem. She's trapped. But as the crowd parts. We can make out one lone man... Staring after. What has gone. FADE TO BLACK. ROLL END CREDITS.ENTRAPMENT Ronald Bass First Draft Screenplay December 2, 1996 Story by: Ronald Bass and Michael Herzberg EXT. HANCOCK TOWER, CHICAGO - LATE NIGHT Lake Shore Drive. Four o'clock in the morning. Minimal traffic, minimal life. As MAIN TITLES BEGIN, we PAN UP the face of... ...Hancock Tower. Up, up, forty floors, sixty, eighty, very dark up here, street sounds fading fast, and as CREDITS CONTINUE we can just make out... ...a dark FIGURE. Like a spider. Inching its way up the steel surface of the 98th floor, and we CLOSE to see... The THIEF. All in black, nearly invisible, with a sleek visored helmet that conceals the face. Two long, oblong backpacks, climb- ing ropes and harness across back and shoulders, tools at the belt. Moving STRAIGHT UP the face of the skyscraper. How is it possible? CLOSER still to see... ...the piton-like BOLTS are electromagnetic, CLANKING to the steel to support weight. A button releases the magnetic charge when the bolt is pulled up by cords to a higher position. The Thief is remarkably strong and agile, scaling the wall with fluid precision, until... ...our summit. A softly-lit, glass-walled PENTHOUSE on the 100th floor. Subtle spots which bathe paintings, sculptures, in a cavernous coldly-decorated space. Swiftly, deftly, the Thief rigs a suction-mounted HARNESS to the steel casing above a massive window. Pulleys, metal caribiner clips, yellow Kevlar ropes. So superbly practiced, the rigging is placed in seconds, huge SUCTION CUPS pressed to the surface of the glass. The Thief reaches to a metal rectangle at the top of the rigging, touches a button, a motor WHINES, the ropes TIGHTEN and the window... ...POPS FREE, hangs SUSPENDED by the Kevlar ropes which amazingly sustain its awesome weight. The huge pane shudders in the wind, and the Thief slips... ...INTO the Penthouse. Nearby, an ALARM BOX softly BEEPS its 60-second warning to the pulsing of a green light, and the Thief attaches a small computerized DEVICE which runs a series of possible CODES at dazzling speed on its display panel, until... ...the right one STOPS. Illuminated in red. The beeping, the green light, go OFF. The device is removed. Back to the window, air rushing in, attach a similar suction- mounted harness from the inside, all exquisitely engineered to rig in seconds, press new suction cups to the inside of the dangling window pane. A small remote control clicker... ...RELEASES the outside suction cups. The window's weight now supported by the interior rigging. The outside equipment pulled INTO the apartment in a single tug. The WHINE of a motor, and the pane pulls UP, the Thief expertly POPPING it into place. No trace of entry. Rapidly folding the rigging into an astonishingly compact bundle, the Thief SCANS... ...the profusion of priceless art. The paintings run to Otto Dix, Franz Marc, Marcel Duchamp. One statue an obvious Rodin. The soft lighting makes walls seem invisible, everything with an infinity perspective in mind. An obsidian slab dining table that seems to end at the horizon. The Thief has packed the rigging away, taken out a large cylin- drical TUBE bearing a label we can't read. Knows the way, quickly through the spectacular apartment, past oils by early German expressionists, Russian futurists, a Rothko, a Kandinsky, a Francis Bacon. The Thief has no interest in these, and as CREDITS CONTINUE, we enter... ...a powder room. A lime-green poured concrete sink, a copper- plated commode, and across from these... ...a single PAINTING. Unlike the others, clearly an Old Master. A 17th century city on the water, churches, spires, an ancient bridge. The Thief wastes no time, unceremoniously... ...CUTS the painting from its frame with sure, perfect strokes. Rolls it quickly in acid-free paper. Opens the cylindrical tube, pulling out... ...another CANVAS which we cannot see. Deftly unrolls this, fitting it carefully into the stolen painting's now-empty frame. Re-hangs it. Stares for a beat through the opaque helmet visor. Approves. Slips the rolled-up stolen canvas into the empty tube. Leaves. Before we follow, we shift angle to see the replacement canvas... A cheerful acrylic portrait. Bozo the Clown. WITH the Thief now, moving fast, into a panelled library. There is a CHUTE built into the wall, a brass lid with the words U.S. MAIL. The Thief pops the labeled tube DOWN the chute. Gone. Steps... ...onto a bookshelf, reaches up to punch out an overhead grating, and... Disappears into the vent. Reaching back to refit the grating seamlessly into place. INT. VENT Halogen flashlight leading the way, our Thief shimmies down the narrow space, arriving at... ...an open vertical AIR SHAFT, BLASTING air straight up the 100 floor height of the skyscraper, with frightening FORCE. Calmly, the Thief clips on a different harness, unzips a nylon cover from the backpack, and simply... LEAPS DOWN the air shaft, startling the shit out of us, as, for an instant... ...the force of the updraft seems to HOLD the Thief in place, suspended above 100 stories of nothingness. Then suddenly, the Thief... ...DROPS SHARPLY, an exhilarating moment of absolute FREE FALL, until a cord is tugged and... ...a nylon PARACHUTE OPENS with a pop. We watch the Thief drifting lazily down. A ride any kid would pay big money for... EXT. HANCOCK TOWER - LATE NIGHT Our original exterior VIEW of the skyscraper's penthouse. REVERSE ANGLE now to see in far distance... ...the dense forest of silhouetted OFFICE TOWERS of downtown Chicago against the night sky, and we ZOOM TOWARD them, covering miles in three seconds, to CLOSE on... ...the highest floor of the SEARS TOWER, and THROUGH an unlit window to see... ...a TELESCOPE. A silhouetted FIGURE looking through it. SNAP to... VIEW through the scope's lens. An amazingly CLOSE detail of the Hancock Tower Penthouse. The scope now PANS DOWN the length of the Tower, to... The street. The Thief climbing onto a battered old Lambretta. Calm as you please. And as the scooter glides off... We HEAR our unseen voyeur WALK AWAY from our telescope. A door OPENS somewhere, and as CREDITS CONCLUDE, it... Closes. Softly. INT. WEBBER ASSURANCE - DAY A basement corridor. Long, bare, dimly lit. Silent. We're in the bowels of somewhere. A startling CLANK, like a prison cell unlocking. A FIGURE enters the corridor, coming this way, on the hurried side of brisk. HECTOR CRUZ is 42, tanned, fit, graying hair swept back in a Pat Riley do. He wears Riley's Armani, too. Maybe this guy coaches. Heels ECHO until he reaches a plain door with discreet lettering... NO ADMITTANCE FOR ANY REASON. There is a dull silver rectangle below the words. He holds his hand up to it... Nothing happens. Shit. Dries his palm on his perfectly-creased slacks. One more time. CLICK. Enters... INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY An unexpectedly VAST semi-circular room, the entire inner circum- ference made up of a single continuous WALL SCREEN, separated into a seamless array of IMAGES... Three-dimensional rotating GRAPHICS of every room in the Hancock Tower Penthouse, SCHEMATICS of electrical, plumbing, and ventila- tion systems. See-through rotating multicolored models of every piece of security EQUIPMENT imaginable, components FLASHING as performance simulations are run. Rapid-fire sequences of indiv- idual human PROFILES, complete with photos and bio blurbs. Screens flickering with blizzards of DATA, hurtling past at warp speed. The Pentagon and CNN would kill for this room. The largest segment of screen, twenty feet square, runs a LIVE FEED from the crime scene. The living room of the Penthouse, crawling with slow-moving cops and technicians, doing their slow-moving thing. Surrounding this image are a dozen smaller screens, showing this and other rooms from a variety of camera angles. All live. We see the library, the mail chute. The powder room. Bozo. Cruz skips down three steps to floor level, nine separate CONTROL STATIONS, each outfitted with super-tech panels to process the avalanche of information. But today, all stations are empty. Except one. CRUZ Baker. You got it solved? And now we see her. From the rear. Slouched at her station. Looks like a skinny teenager in tousled tawny hair, rumpled oversized workshirt, vintage jeans. GIN (O.S., from the rear) Actually. Yeh. Not a kid's voice. Throaty. Music and whiskey and sex and effortless confidence. Even the voice turns us on. CRUZ (glances at his watch) What took you so long, Gin? I called 4:30 this morn... And stops. Because she turns with a look that would freeze anyone to stone. GIN I was with someone, all right? Now we really see her. Delicate bones and features, slender body, radiating the power of a natural heart-stopping beauty. GINGER BAKER is 32, ethereal and feral at once. Electric green eyes crackle with an intellect and a will that are not to be fucked with. CRUZ So? This is work. He is not kidding. Stainless steel beneath the dapper. They are a matched team. GIN Hector, I hardly know the guy. Why be impolite to strangers? And he smiles. Maybe she's lying. He likes her. CRUZ Look at those assholes... He means the cops on live feed. CRUZ If the Vermeer were lying on that table, they'd toss their doughnuts on it. GIN Yeh, well, they didn't insure it, so they don't have to solve this. To them it's a crime. To us it's 24 mil, less re-insurance, which is... CRUZ (grim) Only thirty percent, Gin. Ouch. Really? CRUZ Which is why you're on this. Soft and straight. You're the best. I need you. GIN He came in through the window. CRUZ That's not possib... GIN What's not possible is entry through the doors or the vents. That would have triggered instant alarm. CRUZ The windows are wired, too. GIN Only for trauma. They used smart glass, where the sensors respond to violation of the panel's integrity. He's listening. He always does with her. GIN I think he scaled the wall, popped the frame. In one piece. She sounds awfully positive. Then again, she always does. GIN Then, he only had to deal with heat and motion sensors. They were on 60-second delay, so the owner wouldn't trigger the alarm just be walking arou... CRUZ The pane weighs 200 pounds, the building's 1100 feet high. GIN This particular guy is the best. The best there ever was. Almost as if she knows who. Cruz shakes his head... CRUZ Popping the frame would trigger the alarm. She smiles. First time. Even at one-tenth power, it is dazzling light. She touches the panel before her... GIN (gently) I wrote a program and ran it, Dumbo. The live feed is replaced by a red-outlined rotating three- dimensional DIAGRAM of the living room. The alarm box glows green. One window pane glows lavender. She touches the panel, and the window SHATTERS, the alarm instantly emits a PIERCING SCREECH. Reset. As he watches. This time the window SLIDES AWAY into thin air. No sound. A stick figure appears, crawls through the opening, and the alarm begins the slow BEEP we heard last night. Cruz just stares. GIN Here's how I figured it out... Live feed replaces the diagram. Our camera ZOOMS toward a VASE of lilies by the window. All the flowers are tilted in one direction. Over the lip of the vase, away from the window. GIN No one arranges flowers like that. It was the draft from the window. He turns to her. CRUZ You said. This particular guy. Now she is beaming. Excited. And just above a whisper... GIN Andrew MacDougal. Delighted at his stupefied reaction. CRUZ Why not Houdini? Or Pretty Boy Floyd? Maybe Jesus Christ. GIN Because they couldn't do it. His slow smile. This fucking kid. CRUZ He's been out of the business. For ten years. GIN Maybe not. No one ever proved, hell, even arrested him, for stealing anything. But we all know he was numero ichiban for thirty years. Why not forty? She's serious. CRUZ Why? Because of the Bozo switch? Guys have been copying his pack- rat signature for decades. Maybe the thief wanted it to look like MacDougal. She doesn't even answer. Just touches her panel, and one of the data screens BLOWS UP to huge size. It is... GIN A list of his private collection. Complete to three acquisitions last Thursday. Names SCROLLING up endlessly, next to titles, descriptions, estimated retail and black market values. Turner, Corot, Thomas Coles, DeKooning, Klimt, Cezannes, Odilon Redon, Braques, Mary Cassatt... CRUZ No Vermeer. Nothing close. GIN Don't be a putz. This is his legitimate collection, which he buys. Presentable for any search warrant surprise party. Names keep rolling, Degas, Paul Klee. Amazing. GIN What he rips off, he fences. And the money feeds his portfolio of investments, which are daring, savvy, and obscenely succesf... CRUZ Oh, I get it. He has no interest in Vermeers, so that proves he stole one. By that logic, he oughta be a suspect most of the time. She shakes her head, sadly. GIN You love to embarrass yourself. Touches her panel. The big screen now shows a grainy VIDEOTAPE of... GIN The auction. Where our client bought the painting... We see the Great Room of an English Country estate. Perhaps a hundred attend. Genteel to the max. GIN (O.S.) Ashcroft Hall, Buckinghamshire, four weeks ago. The tape PANS five PAINTINGS on the block. We recognize our VERMEER, the city of Delft, the canal, the bridge. The view PULLS BACK to include the crowd, and... FREEZES. One tiny section is circled. And BLOWS UP twenty feet. high, so blurry as to be unrecognizable. Then, SNAPS to amazing resolution. The image of... GIN (O.S., murmur) Anyone we know? ...ANDREW MacDOUGAL, perhaps 60, as charismatic and shamelessly virile a face as one can recall. Etched with character and worldly experience, lit by a twinkle behind the razor-keen gaze. Tall, wide shoulders, massive hands. This guy would be more fun to fuck than fight. By a lot. CRUZ So he was there. GIN Staking it out. Why bid, when you can mark the buyer, and jack it within the month? She leans WAY back in the molded chair. Lifts her long legs up onto the console. They end in slender bare feet. The toes wriggle. GIN At this moment, he is winging on JAL flight 307 to Narita, ostensibly to attend a prestigious auction at the Hotel Akura, which will include a mixed media collage/oil by Georges Braques, on which he supposedly has his eye. CRUZ But you know better. GIN Bet your ass. At Vegas odds. Touches the panel. The big screen now holds three faces, three names. GIN (O.S.) Research reveals three known fences, still at large, who are believed to have brokered Vermeers to black market buyers. Sandrine Palmer is hospitalized in Malta with ovarian cancer. One face and name disappears. Two remain. KOICHI NARUHITO. HIROYUKI YAMAJI. GIN The other two. Live in Tokyo. A tiny, dry, adorable, shrug. Which says, bingo. CRUZ And you did all this since 4:30 this morning. Grinning small at each other. She can't help that hers is hot. She never can. CRUZ (murmur) Plus. You were polite to a stranger. One of those moments when his attraction to her is too obvious to ignore. Best to defuse by pretending it's a joke... GIN (soft and playful) Sounds like you're sorry you're already a friend. Said as banter between pals. Which doesn't make her wrong. INT. HOTEL OKURA, TOKYO - NIGHT Auction in progress in the huge traditional LOBBY, where bonsai trees, paper lanterns and elaborate painted screens counterpoint the sleek, international, big-money crowd. Everyone milling, drinking, schmoozing, networking in a babble of languages, as up on the raised platform... ...the AUCTIONEER has a new piece on the block, a 6th Century temple scroll, from the Asuka period. It is exquisite, and bidding seems to be big time, from the rapidly escalating numbers on the overhead DIGITAL DISPLAY, which reveals bidding status in thirty currencies simultaneously. As we PAN the hall, we see... ...all non-Asians either wearing headphones, or acompanied by personal translators at their elbow, to follow the rapid-fire auctioneer. Except one. ANDREW MacDOUGAL stands alone in black tie. Tall and rugged and polished and focused, and, well, pretty gorgeous. He is bidding on the scroll, indicated only by subtle gestures with his program and the repeated finger-stabs of the auctioneer in our direction. WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S., subtitled Japanese) Don't do it. PULL BACK slightly to reveal Gin, who has stepped to his shoulder. She is barely recognizable to us in her satiny slip of a pale golden gown that drapes her frame perfectly. Breathtaking would be an insult. MacDougal doesn't turn, doesn't seem to even hear her. Just raises his program to up the bid. GIN (softly, subtitled Japanese) You're already over value. By 15 percent. And now he turns. Straight to her eyes. This is NOT an admiring glance at seeing the loveliest woman in the Northern Hemisphere. It is a look that says, in the most understated terms, shut up or I'll kill you. She shuts up. His glance goes to his obvious bidding RIVAL, a rather butch middle-aged Chinese woman in an embroidered version of a Mao suit. She indicates her bid by gesturing with a tiny Yorkshire Terrier, whom she holds in her stubby hands. MacDougal raises back. GIN (subtitled Japanese) Will you stop being stubborn for one sec... And stops. Because he has turned. With the eyes of a lion. Being pulled from an antelope carcass. MAC (quietly, subtitled Japanese) I have a question. Rich Scottish voice. Impeccable Japanese intonation. GIN (brightly, subtitled Japanese) Who the fuck am I? MAC (subtitled Japanese) That is of no interest. Oh. In spite of herself, she looks a little hurt. GIN (subtitled Japanese) What, then? MAC (subtitled Japanese) Why. Are we speaking. Japanese? Her eyes move across his formidable face. GIN Uh. I'm showing off. His eyes scan the length of her gown. Her body. MAC Something of a habit? She is minus a comeback. MAC You know the alleged value of this piece from some fucking computer, which has no clue of the price I can turn the scroll around for in 30 minutes. A beat. GIN No, you can't. He blinks. No? GIN (really sorry) It's sold. His great head WHIPS around to see Madame Mao KISSING her pooch, flushed with victory. He stares for a long moment, a veneer of philosophical almost masking his rage. When he turns back... MAC Are you a confederate of my adversaries? Or are you just stupid. And walks. Away. HOLD on her. Feeling like both. EXT. HOTEL OKURA - NIGHT Mac among the guests awaiting their cars, standing slightly apart. From behind him... ...a feminine throat clears. Nervously. He closes his eyes for a beat. Then, turns. GIN (softly) How about. If I try humility. And presents a business card to him with both hands, Japanese- style. Mac looks in her eyes. Takes the card with both hands. Reads... MAC Virginia Romay... GIN Gin, actually, Gin Romay. I was named after a card game. MAC Or a cheap cocktail. She blinks. His brows raise... MAC (softly) As in. I'll have a Gin Romay, please. With a twist. That laser, unsmiling stare. Beyond sexy. She gets lost in it for a beat. GIN You're supposed to be charming. MAC I'm supposed to be selective. Glances back to her card. Reads... MAC Art and Antiquities Acquisition Advisor, how alliterative... Looks up. Still no smile. MAC And am I the antiquity? GIN In mint condition. She sighs. Achingly lovely. GIN Look, I've studied you, I know... pretty much...everything. Do you. GIN Made your first millions selling scrap metal. Then, gold mining concessions, gems, art, and lately strategic metals for new technologies - platinum, zirconium, titanium... MAC You said. Everything. Huh? Oh. GIN The cat burglar stories? Why would anyone...with so much to lose...take those kinds of risks? Guileless smile. GIN You'd have to be. Stupid. A held beat. His glance lifts beyond her shoulder. MAC Excuse me. And walks off toward a sleek custom TOURING CAR just pulling up. She goes after him. GIN I didn't know Porsche made things like this. MAC Well, they don't... Tipping the valet. Sliding in... MAC ...as a rule. Shutting the door. Through the open window, she hands something from her bag. A plastic rectangle which OPENS into a slide viewer. She presses the light ON. He looks at the slide. GIN Recognize that? No reaction. GIN My seller is in Shinjuku, we can go there tonight. She leans closer. GIN He wants 4.6 million. I can get it for three. He hands it back. Looks in her eyes. MAC No, you can't. And TAKES OFF. Her jaw drops slightly, but in one fluid motion... She's hailed a cab. INT. IMPERIAL HOTEL BAR - LATER Graceful, timeless room, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright in the '20s. Burnished. Elegant. Way cool. A place to drink, to deal, to dream. PAN down the polished surface of the bartop, til we come to... ...a tropical DRINK. Cute little umbrella, tilted back toward the room. ROTATE ANGLE to see... ...INSIDE the umbrella, something small, something mechanical. A woman's HAND ADJUSTS the point of the umbrella ever so slightly, and we PAN UP her arm to see... ...Gin. Still in her gown. She is reading, with half-glasses, and one of the bows curls around her ear, which we CLOSE on to hear... ...static. Gin adjusts the drink umbrella, which is a directional mike, and hears... MAC (O.S.) ...only it's not bloody football! SNAP to Mac's table, well across the room. Drinking giant beers with a large, really fat Japanese guy in a costly; if wrinkled, suit. The hulk listens with stone attention to Mac's rant, as if he actually gave a shit. MAC (O.S.) ...it's just that crap Americans call 'football', like you could call your ass a butterscotch scone and have it be one! The guy nods seriously. Maybe he's a Sumo dude. MAC Why you'd want to bring that foolishness to Japan, you're just pissing your investment down a bungee hole. SUMO GUY (major accent) You got Cubano this trip? That he does. Mac pulls out a leather cigar holder, and passes it over. Flat against one side is an ENVELOPE, which Sumo Guy PALMS skillfully, slipping it seamlessly INTO his pocket as he withdraws a small MATCH BOX. Takes out one long cigar, lights up... MAC Seriously, put the money into pharmaceuticals or prostitution, something stable. The big guy pushes the cigar holder and match box back toward Mac. Opening the box, Mac sees one match and a small MICROCHIP fastened to the cardboard. Lights up. Slides the match box in his pocket. MAC Garbage, perhaps. Or industrial plastics. ANGLE...Gin still engrossed in her reading. A figure leans down next to her. She startles, slightly. So surprised to see... MAC My favorite thing in life. Coincidence. She gives him the great smile. GIN I'm staying here, what's your excuse? And now he smiles. First time ever. A little chilling, the way he does it. MAC Staying here, as well. You are in room...? GIN (half a beat) One thirty-eight. In one motion, he flags the bartender... MAC Will you send a half-bottle of Chateau d'Yquem '67 to Room 138, please? And some berries and chocolates for the lady to enjoy it with. He presses some currency into the barkeep's hand. Turning back... MAC Actually, I was just across the room, dickering with a gentleman over the purchase of an interesting Spitzweg. Until I determined the painting was apparently stolen... Oh. She's shocked. He agrees... MAC Goes against my grain. The DeKooning in your slide, the 4.6 million you can get for 3. Can you get it for 2 and a half? She looks in his eyes. GIN Sure. And as if he believed her... MAC My checkbook is in my safe. You wait here. His smile evaporates. He is gone before she can say... GIN Okay. I'll wait here. INT. CAR, SHINJUKU DISTRICT - NIGHT Mac driving in silence. Gin stealing glances at him. Suddenly and smoothly, he reaches down, and picks up... GIN That's my purse. He opens it. One eye on the road, he begins to rummage... MAC Just want to see if I'm with the person you say you are. Can't be too caref... She SNATCHES the bag away from him, he GRABS it back, the car SWERVES LEFT, and... ...CRASHES VIOLENTLY into a parked pure white Bentley. Metal BUCKLES and TEARS, both ALARMS go OFF, a cacophony of horrific NOISE. MAC (quietly) Oh, dear. People come RUNNING, but our focus is drawn to the refined elderly COUPLE who were just returning to their precious Bentley. Their WAILS and ANGUISH would be suitable if all their grandchildren had been crushed beneath Mac's wheels. Mac and Gin are OUT of the car. As he exits, Mac has palmed a small BLADE, and in a quick unseen motion, RIPPED a jagged tear in his left trouser leg. The old couple RUSH to Mac, SHRIEKING their rage and grief in Japanese, Gin is trying to calm them as bystanders gather, but Mac cuts through... MAC (subtitled Japanese) We'll go in there, and call the police. And HOBBLES off toward the nearest building, a block-square 30-story skyscraper bearing the name FUJITSU. The couple, the crowd, all race after the limping Mac... GIN Are you all right? No answer, he looks dark enough to rain. INTO the public lobby of the huge industrial complex. Two night GUARDS come hurrying from their desk, as the small mob POURS in. Mac in the lead, a commanding presence, tells the guards in a loud, clear voice... MAC (subtitled Japanese) I have damaged the car of these kind people. Please help them call the police... One guard leads the hysterical couple toward a phone. Mac pulls up his trouser leg, and Gin GASPS to see a bloody GASH. Mac drops the trouser back over the wound. Asks the remaining guard... MAC (subtitled Japanese) May I use a washroom, please. The guard nods absently, disoriented by the chaos. Mac hands his billfold to Gin... MAC These are my papers, passport, car registration. If the police arri... GIN You're going to need stitches, let me get you to a hospital. Soft words, genuine concern. And his eyes flicker. As if somehow seeing her for the first time. A small spark, but she feels it. Softer still... GIN Really, this can all wait. I'll handle it. The look holds. MAC That's actually. Very sweet. His first real smile. It was worth waiting for. MAC (to a guard, subtitled Japanese) Might you have a First Aid kit, of some kind? INT. TOILET STALL We are inside an empty, closed, Japanese-style toilet stall. Porcelain foot rests. A hole. The door BURSTS OPEN, and... ...Mac enters FAST with the First Aid kit, locking the door, hitting the STOPWATCH on his wrist, which begins counting at ZERO. He pulls UP his trouser leg, revealing the bloody gash, and simply... ...RIPS the entire wound OFF, the rubbery prosthetic wound DANGLES, dripping its phony blood. Mac pulls gauze strips from the kit, SOAKS them in bogus gore, expertly WRAPS his leg, then FLUSHES the prosthetic DOWN the hole. He pulls off the FUJITSU VISITOR badge clipped to his lapel, and from a Ziploc bag slides a small sheet of plastic, which he PRESSES to the face of the badge, fitting perfectly, turning the badge into... ...an EMPLOYEE I.D., the name KAWAKUBO, M., the PHOTO of a surly Japanese male. Quickly, Mac takes out the MATCH BOX from the hotel bar, and with a fine tweezers gently removes the MICROCHIP, placing it INSIDE the badge, activating it with a soft BEEP-BEEP. He reaches now... ...behind his back, up UNDER his tux jacket, and RIPS FREE a tightly-compressed PACK of what seems white paper or cloth. He SNAPS it loose, revealing it to be... ...a baggy CLEAN SUIT, not unlike hospital scrubs and falling to the floor... ...a white HOOD. With opaque tinted VISOR. INT. SECURITY CORRIDOR Mac in his clean suit and opaque-visored hood at an elevator marked CLEARED PERSONNEL ONLY in English and Kanji (Japanese characters). He holds his badge to the SCANNER, the door PINGS and slides OPEN.. INT. PREP ROOM ENTRANCE, 29TH FLOOR Mac emerging from his elevator at the entrance to an AIR-LOCK with sign CLEAN ROOM - CLASS 10. Holds his badge to the SCANNER, the air-lock door lights FLASH froin red to yellow to green. He enters... ...the PREP ROOM. Recorded VOICES purr safety instructions in Japanese, while Mac stands, being bombarded by air shower, chemical sprayer, blinding UV light. The next air-lock OPENS. He enters... INT. CLEAN ROOM ...a long ASSEMBLY LINE, where ROBOT ARMS work on a stream of black SILICON WAFERS, which pass along a clear Lexan CONVEYOR BELT. The wafers move through various airtight CHAMBERS, exposing them to multi-colored gasses, cyan, sodium yellow, magenta, etc., as part of the microchip manufacturing process. More than a dozen TECHNICIANS in their hooded clean suits watch over every phase of the work, attached to the walls by grounding wires and air hoses, which create a deafening NOISE. Mac simply hooks himself up, and saunters straight THROUGH the area, toward the place where the conveyor belt with its newly-processed MICROCHIPS... ...DISAPPEARS through the wall. Nearby, a HATCH is built into the same wall, and Mac calmly CLANKS it OPEN, squeezing through into... ...a dimly-lit MAINTENANCE BAY. Panels of switches, wires, fuses, fans, air cleaners. Maximum claustrophobia, as Mac CLANGS the hatch SHUT behind him, looking instantly to... ...an OVERHEAD HATCH with letters in Kanji and English, DANGER ARGON GAS. Mac THROWS back his hood, YANKS out his mini oxygen pouch, fits the slender forked breathing tube into his nostrils, and slips on thick round infrared GOGGLES that make him look like a refugee from 12 MONKEYS. No time to lose... ...up THROUGH the overhead hatch, closing it behind him as he enters... ...the conveyer TUBE, a horizontal Lexan cylinder three feet in diameter, filled with billowing red gas. Mac stretches out on his belly, glancing up to where the clear conveyor belt, with its precious cargo of microchips, runs along just above his head in eerie red light. He begins to... ...shimmy, crawl, squirm along the length of the tube. Gas too thick to see the end. He is agile as a commando, hauling ass, when suddenly... ...the floor beneath his tube FALLS AWAY, and he is crawling in space 29 stories above Tokyo, as his tube spans the distance between manufacturing and shipping structures. He goes faster, HARDER... INT. MICROCHIP VAULT A black chamber. We can scarcely make out the endless rows of shelving, the air purifying equipment, the conveyor belt entering through its air lock, as machinery folds each priceless microchip in foil wrappers, stacks them on shelves. Through the gasket... ...Mac TUMBLES into view, swinging himself neatly DOWN to the floor, and in a single motion, he is already FLASHING a neon-green pen light along the shelves of microchips. We see now the wrappers are different colors, with different Kanji characters, and Mac is definitely looking for something special, until... ...he's found it. A single row, 35 chips, nothing special from here, but Mac... ...WHIPS out something coiled, SNAPS it to full length, revealing a strip of shiny black SATIN CLOTH. Three feet long, little more than an inch wide. Carefully, Mac lays the strip down directly OVER the row of microchips. And when he lifts it UP again... ...the chips have ADHERED to the underside of the cloth. In one deft SNAP of his wrist, he COILS the cloth again, like a yo-yo. Turns to leave, and... Oh, yeh. Tosses a small SACK of something where the chips used to be. TIM'S CASCADE BRAND POTATO CHIPS. SEA SALT AND VINEGAR FLAVOR. INT. CLEAN ROOM Mac exiting from the maintenance hatch back into the Clean Room. No one sees, no one cares. Hooking up once again, he ambles toward a door clearly marked EXIT ONLY TO EMPLOYEE LOUNGE - RETURN ONLY THROUGH SECURITY AREA. By the door is an employee notice tacked to the wall. He pretends to scan it. A stack of flyers. He takes one. Exiting into... INT. EMPLOYEE LOUNGE Past a changing area, vending machines, guys bullshitting. Mac just strolling along, reading his flyer, as... A hand. Touches his shoulder VOICE (subtitled Japanese) Excuse me. Mac turns, stares through his opaque VISOR at a well-built SECURITY OFFICER. Dead straight eyes. OFFICER (subtitled Japanese) The company picnic. Saturday or Sunday? His eyes cut to the flyer Mac is 'reading'. Mac hands it to him, and without a trace of Scottish accent... MAC (subtitled Japanese) Better eat first. INT. GUEST LOBBY Gin is up to her ears in grief. There are no less than five COPS grilling her, taking notes, while the old couple has their second wind and are SHRIEKING in top form. The bystander gallery has grown to maybe three dozen, and they're all getting their word in. As Gin struggles to cope... ...she keeps looking at the clock. Darting glances toward the corridor. She is freaking out. Finally. She can't stand it. Hands Mac's billfold to one of the cops, pushes her way through the mob, and... ...TAKES OFF down the corridor, a security guard in belated pursuit, we go... ...WITH her DOWN the hallway, WHEEL around a corner, flat-out SPRINTING, SKIDS to a stop at the right doorway and BURSTS INTO... INT. MEN'S ROOM An empty washroom. She listens. Nothing. GIN Mr. MacDougal? Sir? No sound. Uh-oh. GIN Uh. Mr. Ma... MAC (O.S., from the stall) Just 'Mac'. And whatever became of a gentleman's privacy? The security guard BARGES IN. MAC (O.S.) My God, more females? The guard starts railing at Gin a mile a minute. She calmly takes a WAD of bills from her purse. Hands them to the guy... GIN (subtitled Japanese) Stand outside. That door. Two minutes... He does. Alone again. GIN I was worried, it's been twenty... MAC (O.S.) Eighteen, actually. The leg is fine, but I got sort of...woozy. GIN Woozy. MAC (O.S.) Lost my stomach once or twice. CUT INSIDE the stall. He is just re-taping the folded clean suit and hood to the small of his back. MAC I'm an old man. You probably noticed. Awkward silence. He smiles at that, much amused. Slips on his jacket. MAC You should see me without my teeth. UNLOCKS the door. Remembers... MAC Ah. Mustn't forget to zip up. That's not what he forgot. He pulls OUT the coiled black satin cloth strip, SNAPS it free, microchips snug to the underside. And fits it neatly... ...DOWN his trouser leg. The perfect tuxedo stripe. OUT the door. To meet her gaze. MAC Odd place, this. He goes to her. Offers his arm. MAC What do you suppose they make here? Video recorders? She takes it, wrapping both hers through. GIN Microchips, I think, for computers. He opens the door. Ushers her through... MAC Bad investment. The best ones are here today... Follows her out... MAC (O.S.) Gone tomor... Closed door. Quiet. INT. CAB, NIHONBASHI DISTRICT - NIGHT They sit together in the rear of the taxi, as it makes its way through late night traffic. She is looking around. GIN This isn't the way to my sel... MAC (quietly) I've changed my mind. Looking straight ahead. Contemplative. She stares at his profile... GIN Mind telling me why? MAC You can't get it for me at 2.5, can you? GIN Well, we can tr... MAC You were setting me up. The correct price is 2.8. You conspire with the seller to start at 4.6, so I'll be grateful when you 'bargain' him down to three. Close enough to fool some people. unfortunately... He sighs. Never looks at her. MAC I'm old. I know what everything is worth. She keeps staring. GIN So where are we g... MAC I am going to the airport. You are going on to the rest of your life. Which... He thinks. Admits... MAC ...should be interesting. Her turn to think. GIN You forgot your lugg... MAC The hotels deal with that. The things I need are always waiting at the next one. (afterthought) I don't carry. Baggage. Little twist on that. GIN Sensible. And you're off to...? MAC Oh, that's highly personal. He still stares straight ahead. The taxi pulls onto a freeway. Toward Narita Airport. Time running out. And in her dearest, most vulnerable, voice... GIN I did so hope to impress you. She puts the fingertips of her left hand. On his chest. A silence. No reaction. GIN (hopeful) I'm still hoping... And he smiles. Turns to her eyes. MAC Young lady. I am old enough to be your grandfather. She shakes her head. Uh-uh. GIN (soft) My father. Leans her mouth in for the kill. GIN (whisper) That's part of the rush. And softly. Fits her mouth to his. The green eyes close, as she tastes him. Nothing predatory in this kiss. It is tender, exquisite. A kiss of deep longing. Of true love. His arms slip around her. And in less than five seconds... TAXI DRIVER (O.S., racist accent) Still on fo' airport? Nobody. Says. Nothin'. INT. MAC'S SUITE - LATE NIGHT A small bottle. An ornate label. Chateau d'Yquem '67. Gin lifts it from the table, studies the label. She wears only a man's oversized t-shirt. Our rotating ANGLE reveals the empty bed, tangled sheets. Gin looks pretty rumpled herself. She lifts the bottle, two glasses, a plateful of chocolates and strawberries, and goes to the sliding glass door overlooking... ...the TERRACE. Mac sits on a futon at the balcony railing, overlooking downtown Tokyo. He wears a thin Japanese robe called a yukata, and is wrapped in half of a huge down COVERLET from the bed. The other half obviously waiting for... GIN Here. A reward. She curls down into the billowing coverlet, just against his body. Sets her things beside him. MAC A reward for what? GIN For not being old. After all. It is a lovely smile. He studies it for a beat. MAC You mean. Not as old as I look. She traces her finger along his cheek. GIN (a whisper) Yeh. And kisses him. It takes awhile. She seems to enjoy it. With him, it's harder to tell. When she pulls back... ...he picks up a chocolate. Tears it in half. Offers her the larger piece. GIN Do I deserve a reward? No answer. He puts the chocolate into her mouth. With great tenderness, he traces the line of her lower lip. As she swallows. GIN It's so hard to find good casual sex, anymore. I'm probably out of practice. But he just looks at her. MAC What's hard to find. Is someone you truly want to be with. And leans closer. Just above a whisper... MAC Even for awhile. He kisses her. Beautiful and deep, the way he does it. And when he pulls back, she is staring at him. As if at a loss for something to say. GIN It's lucky we stopped by my room, for the wine. She swallows. Because his gaze is unrelenting. As if not forgetting that she's changed the subject. GIN Otherwise, we'd never have found my bag was stolen. Until tomorrow. MAC Would that make it more stolen? She smiles. His face looks kind now, not formidable at all. Maybe she's wondering if she actually likes him. GIN They even got my prescriptions. MAC Something you need? There are all-night chemists... He does look concerned. And therefore sweet. She kisses his nose. GIN I take Prilosec. For stomach acid. And an inhaler. For asthma. She gets her old smile. The soft, wicked tease. GIN But since I didn't have to work all that hard tonight... He stares at her. Cocks a finger, like a gun, right between her eyes. Pantomimes pulling the trigger. GIN (softly) Ouch. I had that coming. She pivots, and snuggles her back comfortably into his chest. He wraps strong arms around her. Pulling her close. GIN Why would someone steal my luggage? Every guest in this place must have more than a wannabe art dealer. MAC Ah. Maybe the thief thought you had something valuable in there. Something in the tone. GIN Such as... MAC Well. Wannabe dealers make excellent fences. A flicker. In her eyes. And she cuddles back. As if enjoying the humor. GIN He thought I had a stolen painting. In my bag. MAC I'm joking, of course. Kisses the top of her head. MAC The Vermeer wouldn't fit. Her eyes widen. Just a little. GIN Excuse me? MAC Why, did you do something wrong? She turns all the way around. Their faces are inches apart. Each reading the other's eyes. GIN You said. Vermeer. MAC The most famous painting stolen this week. His turn. To kiss her nose. MAC If you don't keep up on your craft. You'll miss all the jokes. And lowers her gently onto her back. Still staring in her eyes, he winds her legs around him. Her mouth parts, but... ...he fills it with his own. This conversation. Is over. INT. MAC'S SUITE - MORNING VIEW of the empty terrace, the rumpled, twisted coverlet. Maybe they spent all night. HEAR the shower running full blast in a distant bathroom. PULL BACK to see... Gin, hair wet, wrapped in a plush hotel robe, rapidly and expertly going through dresser, night stand, closet, sofa cushions, every goddam thing in the room. She comes to... ...Mac's tux. The jacket, rifles the pockets, pats the lining. The pants now... ...something peculiar. The right leg has no stripe. Touches the cloth. Slightly sticky where the stripe should be. Odd. ANGLE...the bathroom. Shower running full BLAST. But there's no one in it. ANGLE...a storage closet. Mac crouching in the smallspace. We see the travel bag. The luggage tag, VIRGINIA ROMAY, a Darien, Connecticut address. The embossed initials VR. But there is something else in Mac's hand... ...a prescription bottle. Prilosec. And a name, GINGER BAKER. Chicago address. Mac puts the pills in the pocket of his robe... ...exits the closet. Locks the door. ANGLE...Mac ambling into the bedroom, toweling his hair with one hand. Holding his billfold in the other. Gin is starting a room service breakfast. Eggs, sausage, Belgian waffles. The girl can eat. MAC I'm so glad I didn't leave Tokyo. She looks up. Trademark dry grin... GIN I love a guy who knows how to sweet talk. He stands over her. Smiling. What he meant was... MAC There was a call. While you were sleeping. A call. MAC An art dealer I know. He has a Monet. Minor, but it is Giverny. He'll let me have it for 5.3 million. She stares at him. GIN (cautiously) We can maybe beat that. MAC (pulling plastic from his billfold) I agree. This is a bank debit card. It gives the bearer access to an account containing 4.6 and change. I dislike round numbers. And hand. the card to her. As her eyes move over it... MAC I'd like you to go down there, and pick up the painting. If that's all right. Without looking up... GIN Me. MAC If I'm there, he'll haggle. You just hand him the debit card, with that...luminous smile. And say, take it or leave it. Now her eyes come up. She says nothing. Hesitant. MAC Oh, dear. I thought you so wanted to make a good impression. GIN Thought I already did th... MAC And along with making an excellent impression. You will also make 2 percent of the purchase price. She blinks. MAC That's $92,000. And change.. For two hours work. The look holds. He goes to the desk. Lifts a cellular phone. TOSSES it to her. MAC Any problems. Just give me a ring. GIN Stolen painting is it? MAC Of course not. And on his way out the door... MAC If it was. I wouldn't pay more than three. EXT. WHARF, YOKOHAMA - DAY Gin climbing out of a taxi at a scruffy section of Yokohama's Bund. Sleazy shops, pachinko parlors, hostess bars, sidewalk noodle counters, all built along a tall rickety PIER nearly thirty feet above the pounding surf. The harbor is gigantic. Every type and size of vessel imaginable. Gin carries a long neoprene-covered tube with watertight seals and a lightweight bright orange foam cover. She looks at her slip of paper. Then across at the place...KENDO SOUVENIRS, a schlock kickback parlor, with a tourist bus parked out front. This can't be right. Pulls out the cellular phone. Dials. MAC'S RECORDED VOICE (O.S.) You have reached the voice-mail of AMD Investments. And, yes, you are at the right place. Fucking great. GIN (into phone, pissed) I like men with a sense of humor. This does not qualify. SNAPS the phone shut. Checks the slip again. Walks firmly across the street, through the mobs of tourists, and into... INT. KENDO SOUVENIRS - DAY The place is huge, ramshackle, loaded with every piece of tourist crap imaginable. The only paintings on display are renderings of big cats on black velvet. She winds her way through, to a counter at the back. One guy there... GIN (subtitled Japanese) May I please speak with Mr. Okati. OKATI You doin' it. The best we can say for the pudgy, balding fellow in the Hawaiian shirt and spectacularly baggy trousers, is that he does not seem to be the guy who is selling you a Monet. Even a minor one. GIN I think there's some mista... OKATI You from Mac? She stops. Jesus. The guy COUGHS horribly. GIN I'm from Mac. OKATI Lemme see card. She hesitates. OKATI Four million, six hundred thirteen thousand, five hundred? Wow. He slaps his hand on the table. Lay it down, toots. GIN You first. He shrugs. Lifts straight up, from beneath the counter... ...a brown paper-wrapped rectangle. Not much larger than two feet square. She can't even believe she's here, doing this. Gestures to him. Open it up! He obliges, COUGHING grossly all the while. Unwrapped, the painting does look like a Monet. From here. She stares at it. GIN Now bring me the real one. He doesn't blink. OKATI This as real as it gets, lady. And from within her pocket. The cellular RINGS. She takes it out. Puts it to her ear. MAC (O.S.) You got it? GIN (into phone) Is this an audition, a joke, or a rip-off? I'm staring at an obvious forgery, here. MAC (O.S.) Turn it over. This gives her pause. Then, cradling the phone against her shoulder, she does as she's told. To see... MAC (O.S.) Is there an envelope? Taped to the back? In a Ziploc bag? Sure is. GIN (into phone) Uh-huh. MAC (O.S.) Detach the bag. Read what's in it. Aloud. She does. Carefully unfolding several sheets of paper, maps... GIN (reading into phone) Shikoku Naru, a freighter, it says, Yokohama to Jakarta...dates, statistics...specs on some kind of machine, diag... MAC (O.S.) Papers back in the envelope, envelope back in the Ziploc, very quickly, without seeming to hurry... Her eyes are flickering questions, but she does as she's told, cradling the phone with her shoulder. MAC (O.S.) Now take the debit card from your purse, slipping the Ziploc into the purse as you do it, shielding the move from everyone in the room but Okati. And she does. More deftly than we could ever have imagined. Like a pro. MAC (O.S., quietly) Give him the card. A beat. GIN (into phone) Mac, the painting's a forg... MAC (O.S., even quieter) This is a test. Of whether you'll still be alive four minutes from now. Do you hear me? Her face freezes. In a pleasant smile. GIN (into phone) Yes, Mac, I do. MAC (0.5.) Now. Hand him the card, and tell him in Japanese to pretend he is checking it by phone. Tell him to take awhile, as if he's on hold. She turns the sweet plastic smile to Okati. Hands him the card... GIN (subtitled Japanese) Mac says, pretend you're checking this by phone, and take your ti... OKATI (subtitled Japanese) ...like I'm on hold, sure. And suddenly, his eyes are keen and quick, and he is no longer some schmuck in baggy pants. He takes the card, stares at it comically, picks up the phone. MAC (O.S.) While he's checking, look around the room casually, as if searching for the cheesy handbags... She begins to. MAC (O.S.) All the while laughing, as if you are chatting with someone you actually like. GIN (into phone) I'm not that good. But she is. And she laughs, as she strolls over to the cheesy handbags. MAC (O.S.) As you're looking around, do you notice any m... GIN (into phone) Three guys, two together, one alone. Cheap suits, not looking at me in a cop-casual way. MAC (O.S.) Call out cheerily to Okati, in English, 'Where's the toilet?' GIN (into phone) Can I say, 'little girl's room'? A beat. MAC (O.S.) Wing it. GIN (calls out, cheerily) WHERE'S THE CRAPPER? Okati, absorbed by his make-believe phone call, points around the back. MAC (O.S.) Get going. Now. GIN (into phone, as she saunters) Mac, the painting isn't... MAC (O.S.) You've got what we bought, are you out of their sight? She turns the corner. Filthy corridor. Restrooms at opposite ends. MAC (O.S.) Run into the men's toilet. I know you know how. A beat of uncertainty. She looks both ways. MAC (O.S., ominous) Are you running? And she DOES. SPRINTING down the garbage-strewn hallway, throws OPEN the men's room door, BURSTING IN on... ...a wispy OLD GUY taking a leak through a HOLE in the floor. GIN (subtitled Japanese) GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! The panicked little man STARTLES. Bolts OUT the door. MAC (O.S.) Jump. Jump? HEAR now, from the corridor, footfalls POUNDING. She looks down through the piss hole. The surf ROILS thirty feet below. GIN (into phone) It's too small. MAC (O.S.) The window, twit! Oh. She hops OVER the disgusting hole, boosts herself UP to the small window, footfalls racing CLOSER, HOISTS herself HALFWAY through, DROPPING the phone a scary 30 feet to the surf below, as behind her, the door... ...SLAMS OPEN and she FLIES OUT the window... GIN SHIIIIIIIIIIT... WITH her in SLO-MO, kicking and flailing and grasping her shoulder bag, and she... HITS the ocean like a ton of bricks. Disappears. Comes up, sputtering in the swirling water, as from out of the shadows of the pilings... ...an engine ROARS to life, the BLUR of a custom JETSKI, Mac reaching to scoop the startled girl OUT of the water, and they... ...BLAST OFF, as bullets RAIN helplessly after them. The AGENTS shouting into their cellulars, racing in frustration down the pier, which rapidly vanishes behind us, as... ...Gin hangs onto Mac for dear life. This baby is REALLY hauling. He wears an orange waterproof slicker with matching trousers. Shouts back, against the noise... MAC ARE YOU PISSED OFF? She thinks. Admits, shouting in his ear... GIN ACTUALLY. IT'S INCREDIBLY COOL! He is heading into deep water, a major shipping channel, points to one side, and she sees... ...a huge HARBOR PATROL vessel FIRE UP in near distance. The chase is ON. They speed toward the WAKE of a luxury liner, and as she realizes... GIN OH NOOOOOO... They SLAM INTO the wake HEAD ON, and are AIRBORNE for an amazing distance, JOLTING back to the surface, RACING toward... ...two gigantic FREIGHTERS which approach each other from opposite directions. The Harbor Patrol in hot pursuit, BLASTING its HORN... GIN WE'RE GONNA DIE, AREN'T WE? MAC JUST AS SOON AS I'M READY! As we near the outbound freighter, Mac CUTS his speed. Now the Harbor Patrol is really gaining. GIN FASTER, NOT SLOWER, YOU TWIT!! MAC HAVE TO GIVE THEM A SPORTING CHANCE... Cruising STRAIGHT TOWARD the part side of the outbound freighter, as the inbound freighter begins to pass it on the far side... MAC ...SOMETHING WE SCOTS LEARNED FROM THE BRITS! As the Harbor Patrol is nearly ON them, Mac VEERS suddenly AROUND the stern of the outbound freighter, the Harbor patrol WHEELING madly to pursue, only to find we are both CAREENING straight AT... ...the starboard side of the inbound freighter, Mac CUTS his wheel in an adroit nearly right-angle SWERVE, and hears the SCREAMS as the Harbor patrol... PLOWS INTO the freighter! Wasting no time, he ACCELERATES into maximum BURN, STREAKING toward the immensely crowded harbor and its thousand vessels. Gin can't help but look back at the impressive crash site, mouthing a silent WOW. Nearing the harbor, Mac CUTS speed completely, drifting between two huge ships and... ...vanishing from sight. EXT. SMALL CHANNEL - DAY The tiny Jetski cruises in a quiet channel, crowded with vessels of all sizes, tugs, fishing boats, pleasure craft, junks, sampans, all larger than we are. Gin clings close to Mac, although it is no necessary. More like romantic. She is still flushed with the rush. GIN I guess you're gonna explain all this, huh? But he says nothing. Pulls out a water-tight duffle. Hands it back to her, without looking. MAC Dry clothes, you'll need them. In five minutes. She takes the bag, confused. GIN I'm supposed to change? Here?? MAC I won't look. Gentleman's word of hon... GIN There are a million sailors! MAC I've seen you naked. Give the boys a thrill. He means it. MAC You probably won't be dating any of them, so what the hell. Gin looks around as they float through the maze of watercraft. No one seems to be paying much attention. What the hell. She unzips the bag, pulling out... GIN (astonished) These...these are mine! He never looks around. MAC Found 'em in your room. Perhaps the thief wasn't your size. She stares at the back of his head. wondering. He is stripping off his slickers. A neatly-tailored SUIT beneath. MAC We have a business appointment. In four minutes. Okay. She pulls her dress off OVER her head. GIN Business, huh? She ignores some nearby WHISTLES and SHOUTS. Begins drying herself with a fluffy towel from the bag. MAC (never turns) Time has come to tell you. What business. I'm actually in. Uh-oh. Paydirt. GIN Uh. Am I gonna like th... MAC (quietly) I'm a thief. She can scarcely believe he's admitting this. MAC And now that I've told you. I'll have to kill you. He chuckles a Scottish chuckle. Cold and warm, at once. MAC Or... She slips the dry dress OVER her head. MAC ...you can spend the most interesting three weeks of your life. Training. GIN Training for wha... MAC ...followed by the most exciting night of your life. After which, you can walk away with 20 million untraceable dollars... She blinks. He means this. MAC ...which will come in handy. Things being what they are. He shrugs. MAC From now on. You can valet park. She begins taking off her wet underwear, underneath the dress. We suspect unseen hordes crestfallen at her modesty. GIN And if I refuse? MAC (very quietly) Don't. Please. GIN I mean, you won't really kill me, I'm far too adorable. He looks around at her. As if deciding on that. MAC Last night, at Fujitsu, I did some business. While you thought I was in the toilet. Jesus. GIN What could you possibly steal in 18 min... MAC Thirty-five super-microchips. Each worth one million dollars. And change. Staring dead at her eyes. GIN You hate round num... MAC I stole your suitcase when I left you at the bar. I have since sent it on to the States, with three chips, well hidden. Are you following? MAC Since you aren't there to claim it, the bag will sit at Customs. Safe. Unless... No smile. No smile at all. MAC They receive. An anonymous. Tip. Holy. Fucking. Christ. GIN That's entrapment. MAC No, entrapment is what cops do to robbers. We can feel her heart pounding from here. MAC Blackmail. Is what robbers do to schmucks. And leans. To kiss her mouth. MAC (softly) Even adorable ones. They have glided up beside the gangway of a gigantic FREIGHTER. It is at water level, the steps they use for their tender. He points up to the name... MAC Pop quiz. SHIKOKU MARU. She nods, slowly. Pulls the Ziploc bag from her purse. Hands it over. He removes the sheets of paper. Begins to peruse them... MAC Admit it's a rush. The best day of your heretofore drab life. GIN Fuck you. He glances up. GIN ...accompanied by related foreplay. And gives him the smile. What a gal. He offers his hand. She rises, hops lightly to the steps of the gangway in her bare feet. He pulls dry shoes from the duffle. And as she slips them on... ...he FLIPS a switch, and the Jetski begins to FILL with water, Mac stepping to the gangway beside her. They watch... ...the Jetski rapidly SINK out of sight. No evidence. A thorough guy. INT. FREIGHTER HOLD - DAY Mac and Gin stand inside a gigantic CARGO BAY, watching massive CONTAINERS being loaded by crane from a dock, through the gaping HATCH. The chamber is a vaulted cathedral of steel, painted hospital green, and Mac's eye moves over all of it, seeming to inspect every plate, every pan head rivet. VOICE (O.S., British cheer) Hullo, there! They turn to see a round little man with watering eyes and a very wide necktie, skipping-down the iron steps. Bursting with a salesman's bonhomie, he extends a plump hand... MAN Nickerson Carlsby, Mr... MacDuff, yes? MAC Banquo MacDuff. This is my associate-fiancee, Ms. Duncan. The little man pauses. A tic in the well-oiled smile... CARLSBY That is...fiancee and assoc... GIN (cheery herself) I'm a hyphenate. Ah. Like that makes complete sense. Fingers the gardenia in his lapel... CARLSBY Well, it's a pleasure, in this alien place, to do business with a countryman. MAC I'm a Scot. It's a different country. Culturally and historically. I see. CARLSBY (looking around) Well. They've brought you to quite the wrong place, I see. MAC (looking around) Thank God. ANGLE...Carlsby leads the way along a narrow catwalk, which ends at a steel door. He presses his thumb to the I.D. panel, and speaks into the voice box... CARLSBY (confidential code-voice) In Penny Lane, the barber shaves another customer... The door CLANGS open. They go through it, as a gangway leads toward an open five-foot-thick VAULT DOOR, where two ARMED GUARDS rise from their seats. Carlsby ignores them as if they were furniture. THUMPS the door... CARLSBY Five feet thick with hidden rein- forcements, no way to drill through! GIN (authoritative) Impressive. CARLSBY Only the tip of our security iceberg. See these two Brinks locks...? They do. CARLSBY The Captain keeps one key. The other is continually forwarded: to the Chief of Security at next port. There is no way to enter during voyage. GIN I like this. Carisby glances to Mac. He is stone. CARLSBY The best armed guard, rotated every six hours. A redundancy, of course, but we would rather be safe three times over than merely two. GIN Sound mathematics. MAC (very quiet) What if there's a fire? In the chamber. Ah. Carlsby leads them through the open door, into... ...the maximum-security HOLD. Primo. The steel coated with sleek, matte, black all-grip paint. Tubby points up... CARLSBY Sprinklers. New design. Incredible power. The entire chamber is water- proof, fireproof, airtight. If the ship sinks, God forfend, your cargo is secure for salvage. No reaction. Mac does not look convinced. CARLSBY And your cargo is...? MAC Wine. Wine. MAC The bloody Japs bought up half the premium clarets in the universe. You may have heard. Actually. He has. MAC I'm in charge of shipping some 14,000 bottles, most quite rare, to a number of premium hotels in Hong Kong, Bangkok, Singapore, Phuket, and Penang. Carlsby gets the romance of it all. MAC All of which are destinations on your October voyage. Five months from now. However... And turns to the man. With laser, disapproving eyes. MAC Wine. Doesn't prefer. To be jostled. The man beams. Gestures to a series of PLATFORMS, each SWAYING at different heights, in different directions. CARLSBY Our 'delicate treasure' platforms, suspended on gimbals. Your cargo remains unruffled by roiling seas. Then, on arrival, is plucked... Pointing once more... CARLSBY By that forklift, and gently deposited on dock through the cargo hatch... ...a huge circular hatch cut into the hull. Mac's eyes stare blankly at it. A long beat. He pronounces it all... MAC Adequate. I suppose. And then turns once more. MAC Did we see...a bathing pool. On deck? CARLSBY Oh, yes, sir. The Shikoku Maru carries sixteen luxury suite pas- senger cabins. The finest cuisine. For valued clients who prefer to cruise in privacy. Mac. Thinks this over. MAC Mildly. Interesting. INT. PASSENGER DECK - DAY Carlsby ushering the couple along a plushly-appointed hallway. A secret oasis of refinement in the heart of the massive freighter. He opens a burnished door, into... ...an elegant SUITE. Cherrywood panels, spacious windows with views of the harbor. The finest furnishings. It is breathtaking. Even... MAC Adequate. I suppose. GIN But dearest, in five months, we'll be in Cape Town. Mac pulls from his pocket the folded sheets that had once been taped to the back of Okati's Monet. Peruses them casually. MAC Anything sooner? That goes perhaps from...say, Sri Lanka? To Jakarta. And looks up. To a man dumbstruck. By coincidence. CARLSBY Why, yes. In three weeks. INT. CESSNA - DAY Looking DOWN on California's San Joaquin Valley from 12,000 feet, as air RUSHES past our open door. MAC (O.S.) You seem depressed. PULL BACK to see them both in jumping suits. He's checking her gear. She's eyeing the expansive grid of fields below. GIN At your insistence, I'm leaping to my death, and I don't know why! He clips a tether from his harness to hers. MAC Because. You're a greedy girl. GIN I'm not jumping until you talk about this, it's been two days! She folds her arms across her chest. Rebellious. He smiles at her tenderly. Nods, okay. GIN Why are we going in three weeks, if the wine is on a different route months lat... MAC There is no wine. That just bought us a look at their security. She stares at him. GIN I knew that. MAC What we want is on the boat in three weeks. Now can we jump? GIN The machine in those diagrams. on the back of the painting. Maybe. He's still smiling. GIN What does it do, make gold? MAC We're nearing the targ... GIN Why won't you trust me? MAC How do I know who you are, hmmn? Stares in her eyes. MAC For all I know, your name isn't Virginia Romay. Maybe you're a cop. She stares back. Dead straight. GIN Why would a cop do all th... MAC (softly) Entrapment, remember? What cops do to robbers. GIN (just as softly) Oh. That. His smile is light, affectionate. Gently, he backs her to the edge of the doorway... MAC One...two... She THROWS her arms around his neck. Holds him close. GIN Mac, I'm afraid. Vulnerable and touchingly real. His arms slide around her. GIN Of you. MAC (a murmur) Smart girl. And JUMPS, Gin SHRIEKING in his arms, as we... FOLLOW them, TUMBLING in FREE FALL, until he releases her, and bot EXTEND their arms and legs, as if flying, as if gliding face down, her shriek CONTINUING. He floats at the end of their tether, a few feet above her. And at last... ...her SCREAMING STOPS. We see the pure adrenaline rush. Shouts back... GIN NEXT TIME, I'M ON TOP! EXT. HILLTOP, MARIN COUNTY - DAY Woods, rolling hills, a dirt path. Mac stands by a sign at a crossroads, names, arrows, STINSON BEACH, BOLINAS, MT. TAMALPAIS, MILL VALLEY. There is a phone booth nearby. He holds a stopwatch, looking down the path, as... ...Gin runs into view, steady stride, breathing hard, sheened with sweat. Approaching him, she slows to a stop. Hands on her knees, catching her wind. He CLICKS the watch. MAC Consistent. And rather impressive. She sends a nasty smile, thanks a bunch. But maybe she likes the compliment, after all. EXT. MAC'S CABIN, BOLINAS - NIGHT Rustic cabin in moonlight. Ringed by woods. Middle of nowhere, which is where Mac likes it. As we approach the lit window, we hear two oddly-matched sounds. splashing water. And the HISS of a violent POWER TOOL. We MOVE THROUGH the window, into... INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Two figures stand in the shower, spray SOAKING their shorts and tank tops. Gin is operating a sleek WELDER, trying to perform micro-surgery on a DARTBOARD which Mac waves in all directions at the end of a short pole. MAC All right, six and seven... She blinks the spray from her eyes, and deftly SEARS the wire dividing those two numbers on the board. As Mac keeps waving it, she goes off line. Concentrates. Gets it right. The wire PEELS away... MAC Three and four... EXT. CABIN - DAY CLOSE on Gin operating a small steamshovel with a loading attachment on the front. It is mounted with two 2 x 4's, set close together, protruding from the loader. She maneuvers the wooden prongs toward a pile of big rocks. But as she positions to scoop one up, her vehicle SWAYS WILDLY, and we PULL BACK to see it is... ...dangling from a CRANE, operated by Mac. Gin stays with it, concentrates, and on the next pass she glides her boards UNDER a huge rock, LIFTING it awkwardly. Ignoring the bumpy ride, she pivots, and deposits her prize in place atop what has become... ...a WALL of stones. GIN What the hell are we building? He gives this some reflection. MAC A chalet, I think. Or an outhouse. EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT Mac and Gin paddle KAYAKS, side by side. A full moon slams off the rolling surface of the sea. Light chop, enough to bob pretty strong once they stop paddling. His stopwatch GLOWS. He says only... MAC Forty seconds. And she FLIPS OVER, submerging her head and torso, and we go... ...WITH her underwater, upside-down in the kayak, she STRUGGLES to FREE a group of tools which are tethered to her wetsuit. Fumbling to BREAK the seal on a slender TUBE, which BURSTS, sending a GLOW of yellow-green LIGHT in all directions. She fits the flexible tube around her head like a headlamp, pulling out... ...a small ELECTRIC FAN with side HANDGRIPS of black metal. Buffeted by the current, Gin manages to flip a small switch on the housing of the fan, and... ...nothing happens. Again. Nothing. And again. SHIT! With a supreme effort, she tries to ROLL herself upright, but... ...can't quite make it. Blind PANIC now, blowing bubbles, FLAILING at the kayak, which suddenly... ROLLS upright, manipulated by Mac. She sputters and tries to THROW the tethered fan at him, but it snaps back and SLAMS her across the shoulder. She is furious. GIN Get your fucking equipment together, man, this is a professional operation!! EXT. WOODS - DAY Gin in a clearing, arms at her sides, a determined look. Mac is somewhere just behind us. MAC (O.S.) This time, when you raise your arm. Don't breathe. She nods, got it. Focused. suddenly, in the clearing before her, a HOSTAGE SILHOUETTE TARGET pops up, the outline of a terrorist shielding himself with a hostage, Gin's arm rising with a BLUR and... ...BLAMM, BLAMM, BLAMM!!! The paper terrorist is NAILED in the head. Two out of three. She lets out a thin stream of air. Proud of herself, but too cool to gloat. MAC Very, very nice. Had a tour with the Mosad, did you? She turns slowly. GIN Where does this fit in the game plan? His enigmatic, yet fond, smile. MAC Oh, it doesn't. But one never knows... A quiet wink. MAC You might need it with me. INT. CABIN - NIGHT CLOSE on Gin leaning back at a 45 degree angle. She is sweating. This is hard. HEAR a SLAM-THWOCK! And ANOTHER. PULL BACK to reveal... She is climbing UP the inside of the angled A-frame CEILING, using hand rods with powerful SUCTION cups, and similar suction devices on the balls of her feet. A human spider, inching up the wall with everything she's got. She SLAMS the next hand rod down, and it... ...slips. GIN Shit. ...as she TUMBLES eighteen feet to... DISAPPEAR in an ocean of STYROFOAM packing bubbles, which EXPLODE in all directions like popcorn in a nuclear accelerator. She has totally VANISHED. Buried alive. GIN (O.S.) DID I SAY SHIT? Mac is wading into the sea of plastic bits, DIGGING her body out with his bare hands. Once more, she comes up sputtering. GIN This one, I will not get! He's holding her in his arms. Leans close. MAC But you will, you'll get it all. You are actually... He kisses her. MAC Quite remarkable. Something in the way he looks at her. Her return gaze is naked. It looks like love. MAC Take the rest of the evening off. And kisses her again. Her eyes close. EXT. FRONT PORCH - MORNING Mac sits alone at a table, sipping coffee, reading Barron's. A short-wave radio is playing BBC World Service. Leaning against an open laptop, is... ...Mac's stopwatch. He glances up at it. What he sees makes him reach into a duffle at his feet, withdraw... ...a rectangular gun-metal gray DEVICE. Looks like a cross between a remote control clicker and a large cell phone. Turns it ON. The power display GLOWS green. EXT. HILLTOP - MORNING Gin running alone. Up the dirt path we've seen before. Ahead, the crossroads, the sign. The lonely phone booth. EXT. FRONT PORCH Mac tuning the device, which is an advance-design SCANNER. We HEAR overlapping CONVERSATIONS through bursts of STATIC... OVERLAPPING VOICES (O.S.) ...told you it's not a good time f...either, personally, I've never liked h...Giants' pitching, once ag...late, you want the Chronicle or don't y... INT. PHONE BOOTH Gin at the phone. Inserts her credit card. Catches her breath. EXT. FRONT PORCH Mac HEARS a phone RINGING over the scanner. Punches RECORD, PLUGS the scanner INTO his laptop. VOICE (O.S.) Webber Assurance. GIN (O.S.) This is oh-four-six-one. Hector Cruz, please, on a secure line. VOICE (O.S.) Please hold. Mac's laptop screen in printing. WEBBER ASSURANCE...HECTOR CRUZ... VOICE (O.S.) Go ahead, please. GIN (O.S.) Thank y... The line goes DEAD. So do Mac's eyes. Click the scanner OFF. INT. PHONE BOOTH Gin in her throaty, playful voice... GIN ...no way I'm telling you shit. CRUZ (O.S.) Baker, this is an extremely dangerous g... GIN ...right now, you're more dangerous than he is. A pause. Her voice is smiling. Not her eyes. CRUZ (O.S.) You want to explain th... GIN If I tell you what this is, and where this is, you'll send back-up, and those morons will blow my cover, and I'll be too dead to accept your apology. A longer beat. CRUZ (O.S.) You're fucking him, aren't you? GIN Right to the wall. Her eyes are stone cold. We've never seen her like this. She looks like Mac. CRUZ (O.S.) You're over your head, Baker. GIN Only romantically. I'll write to him in prison. She's pulling out a different piece of plastic. A drug store phone card. CRUZ (O.S.) Okay, it's your funeral. Next time I see you, I owe you a spanking. GIN Ooooo. Is that a promise? Her cold eyes through his chuckle. CRUZ (O.S.) While you're on secure, do you want a transfer? GIN Nope. I'm headed back to the hot tub. I'll call again, if I'm in the mood. And hangs up. Collects her thoughts. Inserts the phone card. Dials from memory. Fifteen digits. She must be calling Mars. At last... ...a man's VOICE. In a strange sing-song language. GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Is it over? SMASH CUT TO... EXT. TIENANMEN SQUARE, BEIJING - NIGHT Late night, mostly youngsters strolling the unfathomable vastness of the square. At what seems an immeasurable distance, the huge illuminated portrait of Mao zedong hangs from the Gate of Heavenly Peace. The scale of this place is unique in all the world. PAN to a nearby parked... ...Mercedes. COL. QIU of the People's Liberation Army, lounges at the wheel in full uniform. Talks into his cellular... QIU (subtitled Mandarin) ...it's not over yet, it hasn't even begun. He listens, winces. We can hear Gin's voice yelling at him in Mandarin, dishing out a major piece of her mind. QIU (subtitled Mandarin) ...after Midnight, when his meeting ends. In Zhongnanhai. He doesn't like her attitude. And there's plenty of it. QIU (subtitled Mandarin) The mask will be ready... A phalanx of TROOPS march past. The Colonel turns his face to shadow. Drops his voice... QIU (subtitled Mandarin) You fucking bring the bones. EXT. ZHONGNANKAI, BEIJING - LATE NIGHT The walled compound where the Politburo's elite work and live. From an open gateway... ...the MINISTER OF FINANCE appears, flanked by bodyguards in the drab green of PRC police. They step onto the street and turn into a narrow hutong. Down the alleyway comes a young man walking his bicycle through shadow. Nearing us, he raises his right hand, and... ...SHOOTS each bodyguard TWICE through the chest, DROPS the bike, LURCHES at the Minister with something cylindrical and gleaming, and... ...SPRAYS the cowering official's FACE with something that makes him SCREAM in pain, the assassin RUNNING down the hutong for his life, as a fallen guard... ...SHOOTS him in the back, and he goes SPRAWLING, SKIDDING, face down. Lifeless. INT. OPHTHALMOLOGIST'S OFFICE, BEIJING - NIGHT Col. Qiu walks beside a jaunty ophthalmologist, DR. HONGWEI, who is turning ON lights in the darkened office as they go. Behind them, two PLA SOLDIERS half-carry the agonized minister. Into an examination room... ...the minister gently set into an examining chair. The doctor tilts the face up, shines a light into the minister's eyes, which makes him GROAN. Eye drops now, which make the man YELP in pain. HONGWEI now moves the RETINAL SCANNER into position, resting the minister's chin on the slot provided. Turns it ON. The machine's panel FLASHES numbers in red lights. Hongwei looks into the box from the reverse angle, to view... ...a red LASER SCAN moving across the pupil vertically, then retracing its path horizontally, left to right, right to left, up and down, at speed. Hongwei moves to a computer monitor with a graphic rendering of the retina, clicks the keypad to section off a slice of the graphic, and ENLARGES the section 100 times. Looks like pixels. Back to the scanner. Touch a button, and... ...a COMPACT DISC pops out of the disc drive. He places it in a box, telling the minister... HONGWEI (subtitled Mandarin) We send this to the lab for finer analysis. One piece of advice, huh...? The minister squints up, painfully. HONGWEI (subtitled Mandarin) No more red pepper in your eye. Not for awhile. The doctor LAUGHS. The minister seethes. But Colonel Qiu... Has his mind. On business. EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATE NIGHT CLOSE on Gin's gloved hand, holding something we can scarcely see, as MIST floats up between us. It is a carabiner with a nylon rope attached, and she CLIPS it to a thick wire. GIN (O.S.) I'm freezing my tender parts. PULL BACK to see her in climbing harness, scaling a nearly-vertical CABLE, three feet in diameter. Enveloped in fog which reveals, then conceals. MAC (O.S.) I'm relieved to hear you have some. PULL WAY BACK to see him below her. The two of them climbing the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. They are near the top, more than 700 feet above the silvery black BAY. A precarious, dizzying sight. MAC What's amazing, is that only eleven workers died during construction of this thing... GIN (grim) ...thanks for sharing... MAC Of course, the others were saved by a safety net. Gin keeps her focus on the small railed PLATFORM just above her. A gutsy gal. MAC (loving it) Now, as for the suicides, they always jump facing the city. Avoids that tall fence about 50 stories down, see it, there? She's at the platform. GIN I never liked you. Unclips one last time. This won't be easy. Throws her rope OVER the railing, and to her surprise, Mac braces himself with his legs... ...lifts her from the waist with strong hands, boosting her easily to the platform. Grateful, she hates to confess it. GIN One act of fucking human kindness... MAC Call it a lapse. And he swings lightly up beside her. The fog has rolled past. There are several million stars. Transcendent beauty. She slows her breath... GIN And how does this fit into the game pl... MAC Oh, it doesn't. We came for the view. And from his contoured backpack, he pulls a bottle of Cristal. Flutes, wrapped in velvet. He POPS the cork in one motion, and it SAILS to its watery doom. She can't help but watch. One more motion to pour both glasses. Hands one to her. Toasts... MAC To Ginger Baker. He clicks her glass. She stares straight in his eye. Shows no surprise, no fear... GIN I'm partial to drummers. If they played with Clapton and Winwood. And takes a sip. Cool as a goose. Licks her lips. GIN The prescription bottle. When you stole my suitcase. But he's not drinking. Only staring. The wind has picked up. GIN Armand Baker was my husband, May 13 to October 27, 1982, he played alto sax, I was 17 years old. She takes another sip. Good wine. GIN He named me Ginger. He likes drummers, too. MAC And you get sentimental for him. Every time you order drugs. GIN I have I.D. in that name. I use it for various things I don't want traced. When credit unions turn their computers my way. MAC I could listen to you lie all night. She toasts him. GIN (softly) Same here, fella. Slowly, he reaches to an inside pocket, watching to see if she flinches. Her eyes do flicker. And follow. He withdraws not a pistol, but a handful of... MAC Do you like diamonds? Nine DIAMONDS, so large, so exquisite, she has to keep her eyes from bugging. Wow. MAC You asked. Does the machine. Make gold. Holy. Christ. MAC Gold is shit. It's six thousand dollars a pound. Worth your weight in gold...? His eyes travel her body... MAC That would put you at seven hundred thousand. GIN Would you pay it? And he leans. Looks in her eyes. MAC When the light hits you just right. I'd pay more. She liked that. Maybe a lot. GIN The machine. That we are stealing. Makes diamonds? No answer. GIN Real ones? MAC Gem quality. First ever. God save Japan. He toasts Blessed Japan to the East. Takes a hit. MAC A diamond reactor takes graphite, runs it through a combination of lasers, electron beams, and scanning- tunnel mg microscopes. He means this. She is transfixed. MAC This one uses krypton-fluorine laser, with a new isotope of krypton. She looks down at the diamonds in his palm. His fist CLOSES. MAC The atoms are rearranged. And the molecule of graphite becoznes a molecule of... He turns his fist UPSIDE-DOWN. And LETS GO! She GASPS as the brilliant stones FALL toward the sea. Watching, watching, long after the moonlit glimmer has evaporated. A hush. GIN I hate it. When you make a point. INT. SHIKOKU MARU - DAY CLOSE on two open PASSPORTS. The names say BANQUO MACDUFF and ISADORA DUNCAN. The faces are Mac and Gin. STEWARD (O.S.) All right, then. All set. PULL BACK to see Mac and Gin dressed as tropical tourists. She hangs on his arm. STEWARD We will keep your passports in our safe until Jakarta. MAC Of course. STEWARD You are Suite 16... GIN ...and never been kissed. The steward doesn't get it. Gin shrugs, sorry. MAC We had booked Suite 9. STEWARD 16 is our Tokugawa Suite, far superior, trust me. Mac consents. A little wary. STEWARD You luggage is in the room, these are your keys, the housekeeper will show you t... GIN (pouting) Oh. Can't we stroll around the port? Just a little? The steward checks his watch. STEWARD I'd be on board in forty minutes. Just to be safe. GIN (sweet smile) Better safe. Than sorry. EXT. DOCK, COLOMBO, SRI LANKA - DAY Mac and Gin stroll down the gangway, to the seedy, dangerous- looking wharf. At the bottom of the gangway... ...a wooden board to mark the whereabouts of guests. Each stateroom has a peg, which can be moved to ABOARD or ASHORE. Mac moves the peg for 16... ...to the ABOARD position. And off they go. INT. SMALL PLANE - NIGHT Mac in his jump suit piloting the Dehaviland DHC-53 across the endless black of the Indian Ocean. For the moment, he seems alone. Then... MAC Down there. Ten o'clock. He means a tiny grouping of LIGHTS. Way down there, against the darkness. He switches on the AUTOPILOT. Goes back to... ...Gin, waiting in her jump suit, sitting on a large pack of gear just beside the window of the jump door. Next to her, a pack that is even larger. No fear in her eyes tonight. Pure adrenaline. GIN Are you dumping fuel? MAC Changed my mind. There's nothing on the instruments downrange. The longer she flies before she ditches, the less chance they notice on the Bridge. As she stands, he begins to strap the huge pack ONTO her body. Jesus. With her chute, and the other gear attached, the load makes us uneasy. Not her. MAC You should lose the oxygen tank at 8000 feet. GIN And how do I judge that? Babe's intuition? He points to an altimeter device on his wrist. It says 12,000 feet. She cuts him a look. GIN So I just ask you on the way down? Or were you planning to e-mail me. He pulls out an identical device. Strapping it to her wrist... MAC I hate a crybaby. He straps the even-larger gear pack to himself. Checks the path of the tiny lights far below. Then, looks in her eyes... MAC (simply) You can do this. Not merely reassurance. Affection. Something connective between them. You are my partner. Her eyes send back that personal bond, and she nods. I can do this. Good girl. He pulls on his oxygen mask, goggles. She does the same. He OPENS the door, air BLASTING in. One more look down below, and he holds up ten fingers. Counts them down, nine...eight... She moves to the edge. Watching him. And on zero, she... ARCHES out INTO the starry VOID, and we go... WITH HER, the incomparable RUSH of freefall, straining to see him FOLLOW, skillfully altering his position to gain on her, coming close. She is looking between him and her altimeter, as... ...his oxygen tank FALLS AWAY, and she CUTS hers loose, the air RUSHING past her, she looks DOWN... ...the lights below are beginning to take the shape of the freighter. Back up to Mac, as he... PULLS his CHUTE, it is black and square, and JOLTS him to what seems like a full STOP far above her, and she YANKS her cord, but... ...nothing. It doesn't open. She is ROCKETING down, looking back up to see Mac make an exaggerated CUTTING sign across his body, and she closes her eyes, PULLS her secondary chute, which... POPS open, JARRING her violently, and she GASPS with the shock. He is well above her now, she isoff course, frantically trying to manipulate her trajectory, seeing him swooping closer, the freighter LOOMS in distance, she looks down and suddenly... ...the sea is RUSHING at her, she FIGHTS her braking mechanism, SHOUTING at herself... GIN FLARE, FLARE... ...and SLAMS INTO the water, PLUNGING down, twisting, disoriented CUTTING her chute loose, struggling not to get tangled, in a panic to BREAK her light tube, which... ...GLOWS yellow-green, illuminating the freezing depths, she FITS it around her head, fights now to pull out the small ELECTRIC FAN we've seen before, KICKING herself toward the surface, fighting against the weight of her gear pack, she... ...flips the switch, and the fan becomes a PROPELLER which ROCKETS her upward, but she loses her hold on one handgrip, tries desperately to hang on with one hand, but it... ...PULLS FREE, goes SHOOTING off into the blackness without her, one instant of TERROR in her eyes, and... Mac is THERE, diving at her with his propeller, she GRASPS his legs in a death grip, and suddenly, they are... AT the surface, Gin GASPING for air, and he CUTS his propeller, CRADLES her body with one strong arm, murmuring in her ear... MAC It's over, it's over... Her eyes are wild. MAC Catch your breath, quickly. Hang on for the wake. She sees the FREIGHTER now, a black mountain CUTTING the sea, a huge WAKE pluming from its bow. She grabs his waist with all she's got. GIN DO IT! GO! And he KICKS the propeller to LIFE, they ZOOM off, straight AT the towering wake and burst THROUGH it, RACING to the freighter's looming hull, speeding alongside, Mac looking up to find... ...a series of metal RUNGS, which begin twelve feet above the water line, climbing the dizzying height to the freighter's deck, far above. Mac has a Kevlar rope with a GRAPPLING HOOK, and as he reaches the rungs, he... ...THROWS it high, one of the pronged hooks CATCHING on a rung twenty feet above them... MAC HOLD TIGHT! GIN IF YOU FUCKING INSIST! And he LETS GO of the propeller, PULLING both of them, laden with gear, OUT of the water with sheer brute strength. PLANTING his feet against the outward curve of the hull, he CLIMBS with all his strength, hand over hand, until he finally... ...GRASPS the bottom rung. He PULLS them up, until she can GRAB ON. They hold tight to their rung for a beat. He attaches them both with metal carabiner clips. MAC If I were you, I'd watch the desserts. GIN Boy, I'll bet you were in shape before you got old. MAC Too long ago to remember. And pulls himself up to the second rung, so that he is standing an the first. Offers her his hand... GIN I can take it from here, thanks. Suit yourself. They begin to climb up the rungs, like a tilted backwards ladder, re-attaching their clips as they go. GIN If you'd packed my primary chute right, I wouldn't ha... MAC Yes, you would. You're a girl. Up, up. And stop. They are nearly halfway to the top. Looking across the curved hull to... ...a large circular HATCH. Thirty feet away. The goal. Mac pulls from his pack... ...their SUCTION CUP gear. With practiced speed, they fasten cups to the balls of their feet, take hold of the hand rods with cups attached, and Mac takes the lead as they begin to... ...move LATERALLY across the hull's surface toward the hatch. Mac is amazingly agile at the arduous process, scuttling sideways like a crab across the precariously tilted-back hull. Gin is deter- mined, but falls well behind, intent on making every suction seal solid one. Dark water RACES by beneath her., By the time she looks up at the hatch... He is gone. MAC (O.S.) Anytime you're ready. She looks UP sharply. He is ABOVE the hatch, attached to the hull by the balls of his feet, hanging down like a bat. Noting her astonishment... MAC Better angle. That it is. He has pulled a thick cylinder from his pack. It's a battery-operated AIR WRENCH, and with a menacing WHIRR, only partially masked by the ship's wake, he begins to swiftly POP all the rivets around the hatch. Gin has pulled out the slender WELDING TOOL we saw in the shower, and begins CUTTING through the metal seals around the hatch's rim. At thecrucial moment... MAC You might want to move aside... Which she BARELY does, as the hatch door PLUMMETS past her to the sea. BIG splash. Gone. When she turns back, Mac is already THROUGH the opening and she follows, their yellow-green headlamps partially revealing... ...the maximum-security HOLD. We've seen this with Carlsby. The fork lift. The shadowy multitude of PLATFORMS on their gimbals, all SWAYING, in different directions with the plunging of the ship. Gin just stands, staring everywhere, like she's broken into Fort Knox. The ROAR of the engines is louder here, and he moves close to her to speak beneath it... MAC May I trouble you for the torch? Or would you rather just dance. Oh. Slightly embarrassed at her lack of split-second efficiency, she tries to find the thing in her gear. After watching her fumble for a bit... GIN I know I packed it. ...he just reaches in and pulls it out. A small LANTERN which he FLICKS on, brilliantly ILLUMINATING the entire hold. Scans the platforms...polnts to a CRATE wrapped in 4-ply heavy duty plastic membrane. MAC Coal into diamonds. A wealth machine. GIN How do you know that's it? MAC (as if stating the obvious) It's 12 by 9 by 7 feet. And it's the only thing worth waterproofing, in case the ship sinks. GIN (softly) ...you twit. MAC Hmmn? GIN I'm just finishing your sentence. Can't you answer a question with- out making me feel stupid? He's heading toward the swaying platforms... MAC Why would I bother? He is climbing onto a lower platform, easily vaulting up to the magic crate. She follows, but it isn't as easy as he's made it look. She has to scramble, almost falling. He's already pulled from his gear... ...six rubber POUCHES. She hands him her welding tool, and he begins attaching the pouches to the top and sides of the crate. The plunging ship has the platform really rocking. GIN (concerned) They don't look like flotation bags... MAC (working fast) Shit. Well then, let's forget the whole thing. She stares at him. GIN Okay, it was a dumb ques... His eyes come UP. So fast that her breath stops. He looks plenty angry. MAC Let's get one thing straight. I don't work with partners much, because basically, I find most people to be idiots. She swallows. Hard. MAC You, in contrast, are first-rate. He watches the effect of that play across her eyes. MAC And if I think so. Maybe you should start thinking the same. Now move your ass. And goes back to work. She pauses a beat. Then pulls out two lengths of Kevlar rope. Begins securing their platform to the one above, to minimize the amount of sway. As she struggles with this, she sees him finish by welding a very small gray BOX to the top of the crate. When he glances up, he sees her staring at the box. MAC GPS transponder. Sends a scrambled signal by satellite... He touches the device. It BEEPS. A light glows RED. MAC Precise coordinates. You could find a golf ball in the Gobi Desert. He rises. JUMPS down to the floor. GIN Where you g... MAC (walking away) Fork lift. GIN That's my assignm... MAC (turning back) Unless you've got the keys, someone has to hot wire it. Oh. MAC Finish up on the floaters. And heads off toward the fork lift. Finish up? She looks at the rubber pouches. They seem finished to her. Tugs at a couple. On pretty firmly. Across the way, we HEAR the fork lift turn its engine OVER. GIN Won't they hear it? MAC (O.S.) Over these engines? Through five feet of steel? She hurriedly secures the last of her Kevlar lines. MAC (O.S.) Hell, if they do, they don't have the second key to get in. He is driving up in the rickety fork lift. Weaving around crates and equipment. MAC Thank God for redundant security. He hops lightly from the fork lift, reaches up, and she jumps down INTO his arms. Quickly, the switch places, Gin climbing into the idling fork lift, as Mac clambers up to UNBOLT the crate's pallet with his air wrench... Gin moves the fork lift into position. Mac bracing his legs against neighboring cargo, using all his strength to hold our crate steady. He is really straining. GIN How many tries do I get? MAC (with effort) One, before I beat you senseless, dump you over the side, and donate your share to charity. She brings the fork UP. The crate sways slightly. She lines up her prongs against the pallet's receiving holes... GIN You gotta work on that impatient streak. ...and slips them straight IN. First try. GIN (amazed) How professional. She LIFTS the crate, but the boat LURCHES, and she nearly LOSES it off the fork. But she doesn't. SWINGS her load around now. Heading for the open hatchway, the roiling sea racing by. Picking up SPEED, slightly... GIN Uh. Thing on the left is the brakes? MAC (laconic) Or the thing on the right. By now she is really ROLLING toward the wide open spaces... GIN MAC, IT'S JAMMED! He POUNCES off the platform, FLYING after the lift as it ACCELERATES THROUGH the opening... MAC JUMP, for God's sa... ...TIPPING at the hatchway lip, the crate sliding OFF the prongs, our forklift TUMBLING OUT the hatch to the sea, just as Mac... ...SNATCHES Gin by her HAIR, pulling her FREE of the falling forklift, CATCHING the rim of the hatchway with his free hand, Gin SCREAMING in fright and pain, BLINDLY grabbing his arm to be... ...jerked BACK to safety. Clutching Mac, she watches the sea behind them. Where the crate and the forklift disappeared. MAC You did activate the floaters. Her head WHIPS around. Aghast. GIN Activa... MAC I did say, 'Finish up on the floaters'. Surely, you heard me. Her life. Flashes before her eyes. As behind the ship... ...the crate BOBS to the surface. We can see the tiny red light on the transponder from here. MAC (softly) Oh. Guess I did it m'self. She WHIPS back, and starts POUNDING at him with her fists. He is laughing so hard, he takes a few good shots before he can GRASP her wrists. She SPITS in his face. He strikes back by... ...kissing her hard. She struggles for a beat. And then she lets him. When they finish, he reaches to UNZIP her jumping suit. All the way. Pulls it down gently, revealing... ...her evening gown. A wrinkle-free material which slips down across her legs from where it had been bunched across her hips. He is unzipping his outfit as well, revealing formal wear of his own. He stuffs the suits into his gear pack, removing only... ...her evening bag and shoes. Then lifting both packs, he... GIN Um... ...FLINGS them into the black ocean. Gone. GIN ...I wouldn't do that. So he turns. She looks really stunned. And scared. MAC Excuse me? GIN Well...I saw our suction things. Lying...over...there? She points. To where no suction things are lying. GIN (a mouse) ...so I put 'em in my pack? His eyes WIDEN. GIN Or maybe. I put 'em there. And points. To where they are. She tilts her head. Gives him a great smile. Is he enraged? His dry grin says, not hardly. MAC I like a quick study. Then again. You can never tell. EXT. FREIGHTER DECK - NIGHT Expansive barely-lit deck under a canopy of stars. A silver-haired couple in immaculate evening attire stroll alone, he is humming to barely-audible dance music from a distant lounge. She clings to his arm, it is romantic. Until they reach the railing where he turns, and says something quietly in German... She stiffens. Pulls her arm away from his. She sneers coldly, calls him a name in German, and he UNLOADS on her, a barrage of German-language INVECTIVE that would melt a tank. She absorbs the abuse without flinching, turns toward the rail, HAWKS and... ...SPITS over the side. Strides away from him. He watches her go. Then... ...SPITS over the side himself. And follows her. Half a beat. Mac's head APPEARS above the rail. Just where they spit. Not a mark on him. INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT Our old German couple are DANCING wonderfully in each other's arms Inspiring. PAN a dozen really old couples dancing to the three- piece Filipino ensemble, until we come to... Gin and Mac spinning slowly, flawlessly, their eyes telling the surrounding geezers that they are very much in love. We CLOSE to hear their sweet murmurings... MAC ...no matter how many stones we make, the diamonds are just an appetizer. GIN (dreamily) And the meal...? MAC My contract. With DeBeers. She blinks. Hit by a ton of bricks. GIN Oh my G... MAC Sensible folks, DeBeers. A world monopoly in diamonds based on one simple principle...something's only priceless if it's scarce. He WHIRLS her in a tight spin. The geriatic Germans can only watch and envy. MAC These guys dig up all the diamonds on the planet, just to keep them out of circulation. Otherwise, you could buy 'em at the Five and Dime... GIN Watch the old guy stuff, they don't have dimestores anym... MAC Imagine the chaos we could cause. She is imagining. GIN You said 'contract'... MAC We're sort of bounty hunters. Gin likes the ring of that. Green eyes dance with delight. MAC Our machine is worth far more dead. Than alive. VOICE (O.S.) Glad to see you're both alive. They look over. The officious STEWARD from this afternoon. Now in black tie. STEWARD When you missed cocktails. And supper. I thought of knocking on your door... Mac turns Gin so that she can send the boob a lazy smile... GIN Oh, I wish you had. We love having strangers join us! Maybe later...? Mac turns her once more, so that he faces the flummoxed steward across her bare shoulder... MAC Promise you an interesting time... Trademark smile. MAC Or my name's not Banquo MacDuff. You twit. INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT Our couple moving down the softly-lit hallway, past the burnished doors of luxury suites. Her arms wrapped around one of his, their bodies close together. MAC ...well, I would ask what you're doing with the rest of your life. But that's your own bloody affair, isn't it? She sighs. GIN Yeh. Anyway, before you get too choked up on the farewell. I feel I owe you a confession. He glances down. Really? Really. GIN Time has come to tell you. What business. I'm actually in. He thinks about this. And then... MAC Not here. EXT. DECK - NIGHT Mac leads her along the empty moonlit deck to... ...the BOWSPRIT, a long, narrow platform, ringed by a flimsy rail, it juts far out above a churning sea. The whipping of the wind makes it seem all the more precarious. MAC It only looks dangerous... Holds out his hand. She hesitates. MAC You couldn't fall off. Unless someone threw you over. Gives her the smile. She puts her hand in his, and they hop UP to the platform. Walk its length to the very end. He turns now, leans casually against the fragile railing. They are inches apart. MAC More intimate. For a confession. Gin looks down at the plume of wake leaping off the bow. MAC What business. You are actually. In. She looks up. To his eyes. Into them. GIN Yeh. I'm not an art dealer. MAC Of course not. You're a cop. And tilts his head. Just to one side. MAC An insurance investigator for Webber Assurance, your boss is an idiot named Hector Cruz, you've been there four years and ten months, you're quite the rising star. GIN (evenly) Nope. His head tilts. Just a little farther. MAC (very softly) Nope? GIN I'm a thief, Mac. Holds the look. GIN For five years, I've used the database of every client Webber has to plan my jobs. Museums, banks, jewelers, rich people, I have floor plans, alarm codes, passwords, the works. His face absolutely neutral. Unreadable. GIN I've made a fortune. It's not enough. MAC Why n... GIN Why wasn't it enough for you? He falls silent. GIN The Vermeer that was stolen from Hancock Tower? That was my job. I scaled the building with electromagnets, and parachuted down an air vent... No smile at her lips. Strictly business. GIN ...after mailing the painting. To where we're going next, actua... MAC (quietly) We. She looks him up and down. GIN Yeh, we. You passed the audition. Now he smiles. First time. MAC (a murmur) Imagine my relief. GIN I need a partner. For the biggest, smartest, job. Ever. The one you retire off of, because nothing else could ever compare with the rush. MAC Ever. Is such a long time. GIN This is a job that can only be done in one place, in one split-second in human history. If we miss that instant. We lose. MAC And it's worth...? GIN Eight billion dollars. That's eight thousand million. MAC How much in shillings? GIN You're not a real trusting guy. MAC And I tried so hard to hide that. GIN It's two jobs. The first steals something priceless from the National Palace Museum in Taipei. We don't keep that. We trade it in for our ticket to the show. MAC One moment in time, you s... GIN Midnight, July 1, 1997. Eight days from now. The moment that Hong Kong is annexed by china. And now. She has his interest. She can see that. GIN 80-20 split. MAC Don't be so hard on yourself. It's your plan, you should take at least thirty perc... GIN My 80, your 20. Asshole. He thinks this over. MAC 50-50. Or you can swim to Taipei. She is not impressed. Or afraid. He grins... MAC What are you gonna do with six billion dollars that you can't do with four? GIN Hold the record. Alone. This. He likes. So much that he leans to kiss her, with surprising tenderness. MAC Your share is 50%. And one dollar. Her hard stare. And then, she smiles. Just barely. Still in his arms... GIN I like what you left. In the hold. MAC You didn't even see wha... GIN A lump of coal. A pair of pliers. A note that said, 'Squeeze hard'. This is the most taken with her that he has ever looked. She leans up and kisses him. Whispers... GIN Squeeze hard. EXT. STREET, SHIHLIN DISTRICT, TAIPEI - LATE NIGHT Ugly section of an ugly town. Unmarked warehouses, alleyways teeming with food stalls. HEAR a motorcycle approach, and see... ...Gin driving, Mac sits behind her. Going real fast, maybe she's showing off, we FOLLOW them DOWN a blind alley, as she smoothly WHEELS them into... ...an open FREIGHT ELEVATOR. She climbs off, he doesn't. As Gin goes to work the controls, Mac sees a cat curled in the corner, mewing softly. GIN That's Madame Chiang Kaishek, she's my bud. An evil streak a mile wide. The elevator JOLTS to life. MAC No surprise. They CLANG upward. Mac seems utterly relaxed. Gin paces a little, hugging herself. Her features tense. MAC (gently) Tired? She blinks up. He is straddling the bike. Smiling at her. GIN I have a lot on my mind. Ah. Well... MAC You look beautiful doing it. He seems to mean that. And it seems to melt her a little. She sags against the wall, closing her eyes, as... ...they JOLT to a stop. She PULLS the heavy LEVER, and the door SLIDES noisily open, to reveal... ...a gigantic LOFT. She flicks on a dim light, but we see only part of the cavernous space. She strolls, Madame Chiang trotting along behind. Mac follows, looking around, then down to see... ...a pile of MAIL, cables, packages. The unopened MAILING TUBE we saw in the Hancock Tower penthouse. He crouches, lifts the tube in his hands... GIN (O.S.) You wanna buy a Vermeer? MAC Rather steal it. GIN (O.S.) Been there, done that. He nods to himself. Guess so. He rises to see her framed against the gaping starlit opening of a huge LOADING DOOR. The twinkling island lies below. But here, Gin stares down at... ...an elaborate architectural MODEL. Fifteen feet across, it features an imposing yellow, pagoda-roofed BUILDING, built into the side of a model MOUNTAIN. Formal gardens, fountains, tiny Kuomintang flags. Stretching away from the building, a large portion of the CITY, with shops and alleyways elaborately detailed. As Mac joins her... GIN National Palace Museum, Taipei, Taiwan. Repository of four thousand years of Chinese culture... He bends to lift UP the detachable roof. All the rooms are detailed within, down to exhibit cases. GIN Works of gold, bronze, jade, onyx, pots and scrolls, paintings and porcelains and lacquer work. Every treasure the Kuomintang could loot before the Reds took over. (beat) Ever rob the place? MAC No. If memory serves. She takes him by the hand, and leads him toward the gaping doorway, walking straight toward it... GIN You need to eat something, or are you ready for sex? And just at the edge of it... MAC (torn) The options seem so limited. They jump THROUGH the opening. And VANISH. Our ANGLE closes on the doorway, to see OUT now, sitting like a jewel against the hillside... ...the NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM, looking exactly like the model. The town spread out beyond. Just as in the model. And now we TILT sharply DOWN to see... ...a loading PLATFORM, suspended above the island, only a few feet below our opening. Like a balcony without a railing. Mac and Gin already sinking down onto a waiting futon. Looks like he's made his pick. Among limited options. INT. LOFT - SUNRISE CLOSE on the MODEL MUSEUM in early light. Propped against it, the unrolled Vermeer. Pinned to the painting, a note we can't read. In the B.G., HEAR what sounds like the rattling of a SUBWAY TRAIN, which runs a short distance and STOPS. We TILT ANGLE now, to see... ...through the sunlit opening of the loading door. Mac's head APPEARS, peeking up over the lip. MAC Ginny...? LOST in another brief subway rumble. He lightly VAULTS up through the doorway. Looks around, no Gin. Goes to the model. Lifts the note pinned to the Vermeer... MAC (reads) This lovely parting gift can be yours. If the price is right. Stumped. Not in his cultural database. He looks at the model, to see that the stretch of city between museum and mountain has been lifted away, revealing... ...an underground RAILWAY TUNNEL between the two. Mac examines the tiny train, the tracks, the winding route. From the side walls, well above the tracks, huge VENTILATION PIPES open onto the tunnel. Starting at the museum end, they are labeled VENT #1, and so on. There are five. The last one shortly before... ...the mountain. Where a cavernous opening is labeled BARRACKS. Tiny toy soldiers kneel on a landing, rifles in position to shoot at the oncoming train. And as Mac studies this curiously... ...the nearby SUBWAY RATTLES the walls once more. Sounds like it's in the room, somehow. Mac rises. Saunters across the loft, and we see for the first time the enormity of this space. Suddenly, the floor ends, and we are looking down nearly thirty feet onto... ...a spacious HANGAR, outfitted with 150 feet of RAILWAY TRACK, at the far end of which sits a full-sited TRAIN CAR, exactly like the one in the model. And just below us... ...Gin crouches on a concave platform of corrugated metal, eighteen feet above the track. She holds a remote control device, which she uses to REV the train's engine, far down the line. She looks really tense. MAC Good morning. She startles slightly. Shuts OFF the train's engine. As she looks up to him now, the silence is noticeable. He crouches down, only a foot or so above her... MAC Quite a parting gift. I would have settled for roses. GIN It's a joke. You know, a joke? People who have a sense of humor make them? He's clueless. But smiling. GIN You're rich, go buy an American, have him fill you in on the culture. MAC Ah. American culture. Well, that is a joke. He leans down. Strokes her hair very gently. MAC (murmurs) Relax. It's only eight billion dollars. She looks up into his eyes. But she can't smile. MAC (softly) Your Vermeer? I like this View Of Delft better than the larger one. The sky is more emotionally rendered. Staring in his eyes. And just as softly back... GIN Nice. When a sky is that. He holds the look. Very strong and very gentle... MAC Is it easier now? Not pretending. Is it? MAC Not pretending you're an innocent. Not pretending you...like me. No answer. Effortlessly, he hops down to join her. Never losing eye contact. MAC Here's a tip from an old-timer. Never forget who you are... Settles next to her. Bodies touching. MAC It gives you someone to be. When you stop pretending. Okay? She nods, slowly. Her eyes moving over his face. Maybe more feelings going through her than she can sort out. MAC (still soft) So. Our train runs from the museum, through an underground tunnel. To a mountain. GIN Because the museum displays 10,000 relics at any given moment. But there are 60 times that many, stored in the mountain. This overwhelms. Even Mac. GIN Which is why it's guarded. By an army. She is unfastening the small pack at her feet... GIN The train shuttles relics to and from storage. It looks exactly like that. So Mac looks down the line. At the train car. GIN I've been down the air ducts four times. The train always has two armed guards. Always travels between 32 and 36 miles per hour. Relics don't like to be jostled too much. MAC (all business now) Your model has five vents. GIN We go down the first. Back up the third, if you're lucky. If not, we have to get out by the fourth. MAC (simply) Then we will. She pulls from the pack four thick DISCS, each about eight inches in diameter, each with a toggle switch and a wrist loop. She starts to put two of them on... GIN Electromagnets, incredibly powerful. This switch is on-off. He gestures at the train, the track, the hangar... MAC Seems like overkill. For one simple jump. GIN Well, it's an eight billion dollar jump. You miss the train...you've missed the train. Flicks ON her remote. Down the track the engine REVS. Like crazy. GIN We've got five days to grab the Bones, trade them for the Scan, and pull our 8 billion out of Hong Kong. Once midnight passes on July 1st... MAC ...we've missed the train, yeh. The Bones? The Scan? GIN Oh. Have I neglected to fill in the details? MAC An oversight. GIN Which I learned from the master. Hey. Wish me luck... CLICKS the remote, the train LEAP5 forward, 36 MPH never seemed so fast! She has a split-second to LEAP down, the train SAILS beneath her, Gin's feet GRAZE the back end of the platform at the rear of the car, she SWIPES DESPERATELY with the magnets, can't connect, and is THROWN into a ROLL along the side of the tracks. She's UP on her knees, watching the train SLAM into the massive blue PADS at the end of the track. She is bruised, shaken, but most of all, really worried and really pissed. MAC (quietly) Jump sooner. She pulls out the remote... GIN Be my fucking guest. The train ROCKETS backward, straight PAST where she kneels, to BRAKE at the start of the track once more. She nods up to Mac, who is strapping on his magnets. He crouches, nods, ready. And the train... ...BLASTS toward him, he counts, JUMPS, and SLAMS ONTO the ROOF of the train, which PLOWS into the heavy padding, FLINGING him twenty feet like a rag doll to land in a HEAP. He lies still. Then blinks, surprised he's alive. HEARS a rich whiskey LAUGHTER down the track. MAC I'm too old for this shit! And as he pulls himself up. She is staring at him, from her knees... GIN Know a dude named Wiley Coyote? ...with what can only be described as love. GIN (softly) Forget it. EXT. NATIONAL PALACE MUSEUM, TAIPEI - DAY AERIAL VIEW down toward the sweeping pagoda roofs of the MUSEUM, the formal gardens, the fountains, the tree-lined driveway. CLOSE now, as a cab pulls up, a couple emerges... She is first. Chanel suit with an extremely short skirt, revealing endless legs. She helps him from the taxi, a white-haired geezer who seems well past 90, fumbling with his walking stick, and making quick, erratic, bird-like glances in every direction. She takes his arm for support. Murmurs in his ear... GIN Isn't it easier now? Not pretending? Gives him a full-tongue KISS in the ear, which has bystanders noticing. Starts to help him up the stairs, still whispering close... GIN Five years, you won't need make-up. In answer he GRABS her ass, and she YELPS with delight, attract- ing attention all around. His turn to whisper, as he massages her backside... MAC We agreed. No underwear. GIN Overkill. I can do it with legs. He stops. Gives the long legs a dubious twice-over. MAC I'd lose the underwear. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Mac leaning on her arm, as they pass case after case. Bronzes, jades, lacquer work. Every object exquisite, priceless. GIN The Oracle Bones date back to the Shang Dynasty, 3500 years ago. They are writings...carved into ox bones, tortoise shells... She cuddles close to him. They approach a tour group, the female guide speaking in four European languages. Really loud. GIN The oldest Chinese writing any- where, the first proof of Chinese civilization. MAC What makes this one so valuable? He stops, drowned out by the tour guide, rhapsodizing over an urn. Butts into her rap... MAC (subtitled Italian) Except it's Chien-lung, mimicking Sung Period. The color is far too delicate. The woman gets real insulted. Apparently, he's right. MAC (subtitled German) It's all right, you have a nice body. And walks on. Confides to Gin... MAC When you're old, you can do anything GRABS her bottom once more, altering her voice slightly on... GIN There we are. A separate display room. A single steel pedestal. Under the smart-glass security case, one single object. It is a fragile, yellowed fragment of bone. The shoulder blade of an ox. Covered with tiny script. GIN Last year, ancient artifacts were discovered in the Gulf of Mexico. An Olmec civilization, 3200 years old. No tourists in the display room. A velvet rope is up. Three GUARDS mill at the entrance. This exhibit is off-limits. GIN Amazingly, markings on these Olmec figures were identified as Shang Dynasty writing... A sign explains, SORROWFUL TO INFORM ORACAL BONE CLOSE FOR TRAVEL EXIBITION UNTIL IS NOVEMBER. GIN This particular Bone is price- less, because it is the one that establishes the link. Proves that American civilizations descend from Chinese ancestors. She is pulling out her coin purse, as they stand by the rope. Unzipping it slowly... GIN Exactly the kind of propaganda shit they eat up in Beijing. The mainland would pay anything to get its paws on th... As her shaking 'elderly' companion SPASMS, knocking the purse OUT of her hand, it CLATTERS to the floor, sending a hundred coins ROLLING in all directions. Some under the rope. MAC (old guy voice) SHIT! BLOODY HELL!!! And collapses to the hardwood floor in search of the coins, HOWLING as he BANGS his knees. Some bystanders hurry to help. And one of the guards. As Mac tries to crawl under the rope to pursue coins... ...the guard STOPS him with a firm hand, pointing at the pidgen- English sign. Meanwhile, calmly, very slowly... ...Gin crouches down to retrieve coins, the short skirt riding recklessly high on her upper thighs. The two remaining guards hurry to help her. Mac's guard, bystanders, all transfixed by the marginal preservation of her modesty. Noticing the eye-lines all around, she confides to the nearest guard... GIN (in Mandarin, helpful) Those are the coins. These are my legs. Unnoticed, Mac is BANGING his wristwatch, which seems to have broken. CLOSE on him now, manipulating a glide point DEVICE on the side of the watch, and we RACK FOCUS to see... ...one coin. Inside the rope. Move. As Mac checks to see all eyes are elsewhere, he guides the coin's slide slowly, inexorably, to... ...ATTACH itself magnetically. To the steel pedestal. Beneath the Bone's case. As it does, Mac's watch BEEPS slightly, as we CLOSE on it to see... ...DATA flickering across its face. MAC (old guy voice) Amanda! Time for my pills! INT. NOODLE SHOP, TAIPEI - DAY Gin and Mac at a long communal table, ignored, by Taiwanese couples, families, businessmen, chattering loudly all around them. Gin looking down at her bowl, she's barely touched her meal... GIN ...no, I don't think that way. Glances up. Mac is eating heartily, happily. GIN ...and I suppose you do? MAC Get lonely? Sure, all the time. It's healthy. Stuffs his mouth full. Talking around it... MAC What's unhealthy. Is denial. She's studying him as he eats. Since he's not looking at her, Gin's eyes are thoughtful, appraising. GIN Be real. you could never see yourself...you know, quitting the game. Settling...down. And he looks up. Direct to her eyes. A dead straight, heart- stopping look. Before the wonderful smile. MAC Why, Ginger. This is so sudden. She cuts him a hard look. Not funny. INT. MUSEUM - DAY Late afternoon, the place has closed. Four armed GUARDS, accompanied by a museum OFFICIAL, push a large DOLLY across the hardwood floor, heels clicking, wheels rumbling softly, into... ...the room we've seen. The dolly stops by the display case of the priceless oracle Bone. The four guards position themselves around the triple-paned bulletproof case. It will be a bitch to lift. The official has a key. He inserts this into the lock of the titanium frame which holds the case to the steel pedestal. And as it CLICKS, we... SMASH CUT TO... INT. NOODLE SHOP - DAY Mac's arm rising with noodle-laden chopsticks, the wristwatch BEEPING softly. He drops the chopsticks, rising in one fluid motion as Gin does the same, throwing some bills on the table, he leads her... ...OUT the door, INTO the street, step OFF the curb, turn, DROP flat on his back, SLIDE DOWN the gutter, Gin following a split- second behind... INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK A train car stands, pulled up to a loading dock. Two SOLDIERS with assault rifles on the train's rear platform, waiting. Along one side of the tracks, a gravel roadway. An open air Jeep-type military vehicle stands empty. One of our soldiers speaks into a walkie-talkie, watching a huge steel DOOR at the entrance to the loading dock, which... ...OPENS now. Through it come the four armed museum guards, surrounding the dolly which carries the Bone's massive bulletproof display case. The official is with them, and hands paperwork to one of the waiting soldiers, as the museum guards LIFT the case, and carry it onto the train. INT. TUNNEL SHAFT An empty stretch of dimly-lit track, somewhere down the line. Silent. PAN up, way up, to... ...the shadows of a huge air vent. Must be vent #1, because two FIGURES are crouched there, as close as lovers. Even we can barely make them out, until we CLOSE to hear the hushed... GIN (strapping on a backpack) ...way we can use those in here. I thought I was in charge of this operat... MAC You're in charge of ego and worrying. I'm in charge of keeping you alive. He is holding something dull gray and small. It looks like a trun- cated nerf football with one end pointed and the other cut blunt. MAC These are plasma jet. All the force is directed forward, instead of dissipating in a sphere like a grenade. He has four of these. Gives her three. GIN I don't need th... MAC (whispers) Shut up. He reaches out, gently... MAC You don't trust me, you won't get through this. Touches her face. MAC Try to adjust to that for three more days. After July 1... Stares in her eyes. MAC ...you'll never have to trust again. And smiles. One more whisper... MAC Something. To look forward to. INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK The museum guards are back on the landing with the official. Our two soldiers stand facing them from the rear platform of the train car, as... The train RUMBLES to life. Ready to go. INT. MUSEUM Two guards arrive with a hand truck to carry off the empty pedestal, which once supported the Bone's case. One tilts the top of the pedestal back, supporting its weight, as the other stoops to lift the base, and... ...stops. He sees the coin. Oddly flat against the pedestal's shaft. He kneels, tries to lift the coin, but the magnet HOLDS it fast. He looks up to his companion. Then... ...PEELS the coin free, the other guard reaches for it, the first guard YANKS it away, and it FLIES from his hand, INTO the wall, and drops. As the guards go to look, the coin's back has come away. Revealing... ...electronics. INT. TUNNEL LOADING DOCK An ALARM SHRIEKS at a deafening level. Five museum GUARDS BURST through the doorway, LEAP from the landing, pile into the Jeep, and BLAST OFF down the gravel roadway after the departed train. INT. BARRACKS ENTRANCE A much larger landing at the other end of the tunnel, facing back the opposite way. The ALARM SCREAMS here, too, and massive steel doors CLANG open, as 25 SOLDIERS with assault rifles SWARM out onto the landing, taking up sharpshooter positions, weapons pointing back up the track. INT. AIR VENT #1 Mac and Gin crouched in the vent, high above the track, gas masks dangle around their necks, magnet paddles from their wrists, various objects from their belt loops. The alarm ECHOES, absolutely EAR-SPLITTING. She leans to shout in his ear... GIN WE HAVE TO ABORT! Above the siren, we can now hear the TRAIN coming... MAC HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO MAKE A CAREER OF THIS, IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A LITTLE INCONVENIENCE? The train LOUDER, closer, the alarm BLARING... GIN THEY'VE GOT AN ARMY DOWN TH... MAC I can do this. Quietly. Straight in her eyes. The train ROARS into view, FLASHES beneath them, as he GRABS her wrist and... ...JUMPS, HURTLING DOWN, both STRIKING the empty rear platform, Gin slipping off, but he HOLDS her fast, SWIPING with his magnet which... ...CLANKS hard, LOCKS solid. He PULLS her onto the platform, she looks dazed, clinging to him, he tugs her gas mask into place, slips on his own, and... ...FITS a magnetic DEVICE from his belt loop ONTO the door lock, SPINS a dial on the device, which POPS the lack OPEN, Mac BURSTING... ...THROUGH the door, lobbing a GAS GRENADE at the startled guards, who try to whirl and FIRE through the fog of red smoke, two wild SHOTS above the rolling Mac, and they are felled by the gas where they stand. Gin races in, falling on her butt, as the car ROCKS along the track. Points OUT the window... GIN (through mask) THERE'S THE NUMBER TWO VENT, ONLY 45 SECONDS TO THE THIRD! Scrambling to her feet, Mac wheeling toward the Bone. GIN (through mask) TEST THE CASE! He THROWS a handful of coins at the glass case, and purple UV BEAMS ARC from the glass to FRY the coins in midair. Mac pulls a dull rectangle the size of a cigar box from Gin's backpack, as we SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL The Jeep BLASTING after the train at crazy speed, the four non- drivers with weapons at the ready... INT. BARRACKS LANDING TROOPS FILL the platform, and have spilled onto the tracks, enough weapons to dust Butch and Sundance. INT. TRAIN Mac operating the cigar box which is actually a customized OSCILLOSCOPE, with countless KNOBS and a SCREEN which displays WAVE PATTERNS. The machine is emitting SHRILL whistling TONES that cut through even the siren. GIN (through mask) TAKE IT TO 30 AND CLIMB! Mac SPINS the dials and two overhead light bulbs BLOW. The glass case housing a fire ax SHATTERS. The Bone's case is untouched. SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL WITH the Jeep, BOMBING around a curve to SEE the train at last. WE OPEN FIRE, accelerating after the train with everything we've got, gravel FLYING like shrapnel, and up ahead... ...the train's windows BLOW OUT, the tunnel SHOWERED with glass fragments. SMASH CUT... INT. TRAIN Mac JUICING the box, the deafening TONE competing with the sirens, the gunshots, Gin SHRIEKING as she points through a blasted-out window... GIN (through mask) THIRD VENT GONE! And the Bone's case EXPLODES, Gin WHIRLING away to protect her face, as we SMASH CUT to... INT. TUNNEL The Jeep now ALONGSIDE the rear platform of the train. The driver fighting to hold it steady, as... ...the guards begin to CLAMBER over the side, GRASPING for the platform's rails, one goes DOWN screaming onto the tracks, but two MAKE IT, then a third, they BURST... ...INTO the train to see... Nothing. Two groggy, half-conscious soldiers. Discarded gas masks, oscilloscope. No Mac. No Gin. And inside the shattered case... A chicken bone. The pack-rat strikes again. INT. TUNNEL Mac and Gin FLATTENED to the side of the train above the window line, held fast by their magnets. We are on the opposite side from the gravel path, so the train screens us from the jeep. SHOUTING above the din... GIN THERE'S THE FOURTH! Up ahead an AIR VENT looms, we are HURTLING toward it. Mac and Gin each free one hand, reach into their backpacks for... GIN OUR LAST CHANCE, THE FIFTH IS AT THE BARRACKS! ...twin GRAPNEL GUNS, which look like big 9mm pistols, but with a blunt, round end. As we STREAK toward the VENT, Gin lifts her gun, SHOOTS at it, a cable-attached PROJECTILE EXPLODING toward the target, OPENING in mid-flight to a three-pronged HOOK, which... ...FALLS just SHORT, the hook tumbling to CLANG on the tracks, as Mac... ...FIRES his, the projectile EXPLODING, the hook OPENING and... ...BITES into the wall, only four feet from the vent, its cable stretching back to the gun in Mac's hand, we're almost there, and Mac slips the pistol... ...INTO Gin's free hand. GIN WHAT ABOUT YOU? MAC ALLOW US A MOMENT OF CHIVALRY. Their eyes meet. He sees her hesitate to abandon him. MAC FIRST RULE. SAVE NUMBER ONE. They FLASH PAST the vent, Mac RELEASES her magnet, Gin's freed hand GRASPING to join the other at the pistol, as she... ...ROCKETS up, CATAPULTED back toward the vent by the retractable cable, as a RIFLE APPEARS from a window beneath us, taking aim at Gin, and Mac... KICKS it off line, the shot BOOMING, the guard almost dropping the weapon, then SWINGING it back UP, slamming the muzzle directly INTO Mac's GROIN, as Mac... ...GRASPS the barrel, YANKING it up, SLIPS the shot SCREAMING past his head, PULLING the guard half out the window to KICK his face, sending him DOWN to the tracks, as we CAREEN around a curve, seeing in distance now... ...the END of the line, the massive BARRACKS LANDING, the phalanx of TROOPS, the fifth and final AIR VENT midway between us. Mac's free hand pulls out... ...the lone PLASMA GRENADE he kept for himself, and as we CAREEN toward the troops, Mac HEAVES the grenade uptrack, and it... ...EXPLODES in a horrifying FIREBALL, which RIPS UP the train tracks, COLLAPSING a section of tunnel wall ONTO the gravel path, a choking CLOUD of yellow SMOKE filling the tunnel, obscuring everything, our train ROCKETING... ...TOWARD the flames, nearly AT the metal SUPPORT BEAM which runs vertically up to the final air vent, and as the train FLASHES PAST it, Mac... LUNGES out, SLAMMING both magnets ONTO the support beam, the momentum FLATTENING his body fully horizontal like a flag on a pole, the train PLUNGING ON without him, as guards shoot blindly back from the windows, the jeep PLOWING full tilt INTO the rubble of tunnel wall, the train... ...DERAILING in a terrifying CRUSH of twisted metal, screams, shouts, the smoke and flame everywhere, and we SNAP TO... REVERSE ANGLE...the soldiers' POV from the landing, SCATTERING as the derailed train HURTLES AT them, INTO them, chaos, until at last they see... ...above the clearing smoke, near the tunnel ceiling... ...Mac CLIMBING deftly up the support beam, magnets CLANKING, hand over hand, nearly at the vent, and the shouting troops... ...OPEN FIRE, bullets CHEWING UP the tunnel wall, as we SMASH CUT TO... INT. STORAGE ROOM - DAY Silence. Cluttered, dimly-lit storage room. Boxes of SHOES reach to the ceiling, Gucci, Bruno Magli, the good stuff. Footsteps precede... ...a young SALESMAN, tailored, attractive. He goes right to the shelf he needs. Opens a box. Takes it and two others. As his steps recede, we PAN UP to... ...the ceiling. The mesh grating, which soundlessly... ...slides away. Gin DROPS lightly, twelve feet to the floor. Filthy from her adventure, she quickly unzips her backpack to remove... ...a sleek Halliburton case. Opens it. The Oracle Bone undamaged in its cushioned setting. Steps returning, she is... ...OUT of her jumpsuit in a heartbeat, revealing a costly slip of a dress, kicks the jump suit under the bottom shelf, as... ...the young salesman APPEARS to find her peeking into a shoe box. He is startled. She scowls at him, rubbing the grime from her face... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) There you are! Do you know how filthy this place is? Shows her dirty fingers as proof. SALESMAN (subtitled Mandarin) Madam, no one is supp... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) I'm looking for dress pumps, I'll need eight pairs. Oh. GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Unless you're too busy to help me. SALESMAN (subtitled Mandarin) Well, no, I... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Come to think of it, I need some dresses for evening... Lifts the Halliburton case, slings her pack over her shoulder, strides to the doorway. See the crowded upscale boutique... GIN (subtitled Mandarin) Are you coming? Out she goes. And he follows. Maybe he's on commission. INT. VENT - DAY Mac, very much alive, somewhat the worse for wear, crawling through a darkened pipe on his belly, toward... ...a grating. Light filters through. Reaching the screen, he squints through it. Can't see shit. Listens. Nothing that rises above an ambient wooshing of air in the duct. He grasps the wires, pushes, and... ...FALLS straight THROUGH, tumbling ten feet to CRASH LAND in a heap. HEAR feminine SCREAMS before we look up to... ...three young WOMEN trying on lingerie, being attended by an older SALESWOMAN. The girls are half-naked and as Mac rises, one THROWS a red lace TEDDY in his face. He peels it off, and still holding the garment, calmly tells the saleswoman... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) It's all right, the security cameras behind the mirrors are working again. At which the customers SHRIEK, cover themselves all the more, and begin screaming at the poor saleswoman. During which... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) Well. If everything is in order... All four women. Look at him. EXT. LINGERIE SHOP, SHIN KONG MALL - SUNSET CLOSE on an entrance, just as Mac comes... ...FLYING THROUGH, propelled by two sizeable SECURITY GUARDS, once again landing in pieces. It's a long day. As Mac clears his head, they stand at the doorway with folded arms. Hoping he wants some more. MAC WHAT KIND OF A COUNTRY IS THIS? IN BRITAIN, A MAN CAN TRY ON LINGERIE WITHOUT COMPROMISING HIS DIGNITY! The bruisers look at each other. No habla Espanol. EXT. KAOHSHING HARBOR, TAIWAN - DUSK A super TUGBOAT, engines RUMBLING, ready to pull out. A woman paces the deck. Every time we see her, she seems more tightly wrapped. At last... ...here he comes, stepping briskly from the taxi, striding up the gangway, pulling from inside his coat... ...the red lace teddy. He drapes it over her face, and she pulls it away, steps into his arms... ...her kiss is urgent. Real. HOLD on the look in her eyes. What is she thinking? He strokes her hair, gently. Then, goes to look into the Halliburton case, which stands by the rail. As he crouches. As he looks at the Bone... She is watching him. An intensity to her gaze. More feeling than she is comfortable with, which... ...disappears completely, as he turns to her. And when he mimes FLINGING the case into the sea... She laughs. EXT. STATUE SQUARE, HONG KONG - DAY CLOSE on a British Petroleum BILLBOARD with a huge DIGITAL CLOCK, counting down by seconds...JUNE 29, 1997, 11:32 A.M. - 1 DAY, 12 HOURS, 27 MINUTES, 48 SECONDS TO: REUNION WITH CHINA! PAN to an AERIAL VIEW of... Hong Kong's bustling STATUE SQUARE, the hub of countless feeder streets and alleyways, as we ROAM to a SERIES OF SHOTS... ...billboards everywhere. Western businesses that announce WE'LL STILL BE HERE FOR YOU. Others, primarily British, sending farewells, gratitude for past patronage. China-sponsored depictions of happy Hong Kong and Chinese citizens, proclaim ONE COUNTRY, TWO SYSTEMS. ...moving vans, people pushing carts of belongings, shop signs advertising blowout inventory clearance sales. Traffic beyond gridlock. The human ant colony. ...incredibly long queues in front of post offices, American Express, the imposing glass and steel skyscraper called the HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK BUILDING. ...large groups of uniformed CHINESE SOLDIERS in the streets. More orderly DEMONSTRATION by anti-China PROTESTERS, their signs say MORE DEMOCRACY and FREE HONG KONG, their numbers watched by Chinese soldiers, who in turn are watched by British soldiers. CLOSE on the square now. A couple at a sidewalk vendor. Mac is purchasing a t-shirt. Gin dutifully lifts her arms, and Mac slips the garment over her head. It says CHINA GOT HONG KONG, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT. He regards her thoughtfully, and she turns, modeling for him as if wearing a Givenchy original. He approves, lifts the Halliburton case, and they move on, strolling, chatting until Mac... ...bumps HARD into a Chinese SOLDIER, both men REELING with the impact. The soldier carries an identical HALLIBURTON CASE, and the two men set their cases down side by side, as Mac steps forward... MAC (subtitled Mandarin) FUCKING HELL! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, MAN! No one notices, no one cares. Gin tugs on Mac's arm, don't get involved, dear. Mac reluctantly steps back. The soldier glares at him. Then, bends and picks up... ...Mac's case. A parting epithet in Mandarin, and the soldier starts off. Watching him, Mac unobtrusively fingers a concealed... ...PISTOL, ready for action. But keeps watching, as within a few yards, the soldier... ...stops. Opens the case. Checks out the Oracle Bone, right there in the middle of the square. Mac and Gin watching across the distance, with hair-trigger keenness. At last the soldier CLOSES the case... ...walks back to us. SOLDIER (subtitled Mandarin) I believe I took your case. Handing it to Mac, he leans forward, and in low, aecented English... SOLDIER 21 Old Peak Road. In 45 minutes. Picks up his own case. And is gone. EXT. MANSION, VICTORIA PEAK - DAY A vintage Aston Martin pulls up to a spectacular gated MANSION. Sparkling white, it is a blend of Edwardian and Regency. Gin is driving, speaks into the voice box, and the gate swings open. As they pull up the crushed rock driveway... ...a BUTLER appears, as British as the architecture. Climbing from the car, Mac has the Halliburton case. BUTLER Will you please come this way? And leads them around the side of the house. They walk slowly, a distance behind the butler, taking everything in. MAC I like this. His voice is strong, calm. No hint of a smile. GIN You like wha... MAC Not being told what the fuck we're doing. She looks equally serious. Just more tense. GIN You're on a 'need to know' basis. You'll get each step in time to execute, I thought you agreed to those condit... MAC (quietly) I like your not trusting me. Because it frees me to do the same. They come upon the spacious GROUNDS behind the mansion. A breathtaking view down the slope of Victoria Peak to Hong Kong and the harbor. Kowloon across the water. GIN I trust you. I only need to... MAC ...remain in control. They pass a towering row of perfect ROSEBUSHES. Mac SNAPS OFF a giant blossom. MAC Which is a sign of weakness. And hands it to her. Their eyes meet. MAC I like that, too. At the edge of the garden, above the commanding view, a luncheon TABLE has been set. Spread with delcacies. Two SERVANTS attend, also British. Only the host is seated. He does not rise. GIN Colonel Col. Qiu glances up from his meal. Green PLA uniform, absurdly decorated, wraparound Gautier sunglasses. We recognize him as the man who took Gin's call in his Mercedes in Tienanmen Square. The man who accompanied the poor Minister of Finance to the ophthal- mologist. QIU You look lovely, Ginger. Is the rose for me? GIN Of course. And leans prettily. To fasten it in the buttonhole of his lapel. GIN Col. Qiu Lai Chuen, this is Andrew MacDougal. Hearing his real name, Mac cuts her a look. GIN Real names here, darling. The Colonel and I have every incentive to keep each other's secrets. And she sits. Close to Qiu. Mac looks around at the property, the view. QIU Like the place, Andy? MAC Please. Mr. MacDougal will do. The Colonel smiles. First time. Like an alligator. Mac notices that the tablecloth is actually... ...a Union Jack. He fingers the flag. QIU This way. Doesn't matter if we spill. MAC My sentiments exactly. He sits. QIU This place was a gift. From its former owner. A Brit whose business will now happily continue to function. Perhaps...even expand. MAC (spreading his napkin) Planning to spend much time here? QIU Tho it has required many sacrifices. GIN The Colonel has divorced his wife. To facilitate the necessary entertaining of Western women. QIU Tho some are more entertaining than others. And runs the back of his knuckles up the length of Gin's bare arm. MAC Colonel. You are touching the woman I love... Which brings Qiu's eyes over. Really? MAC From time to time. And pulls up the Halliburton case. Handing it across the table. As Qiu takes the case in his lap, opens it... QIU You're a Scot. Would you like some 25-year-old Macallan? MAC Sure, I'll take a case. Qiu glances across the lawn to the butler, who stands behind the bar trolley. As the drinks are prepared, the Colonel studies the Bone. GIN The Colonel told his Minister of Culture that he could mount a surgical raid to liberate this treasure from Taiwan. MAC Ah. How much was the Minister told the raid would cost? QIU (not looking up) Counting equipment, personnel, bribes, an even fifty million American. All in. MAC Which you can now keep. The drinks arrive. QIU He would have paid twice that. But my needs are modest. And lifts from beneath the table, a leather POUCH. QIU Unlike. The woman you love. From time to time. Drops it into Gin's lap. She opens the pouch to reveal... ...goggles. Like one would wear in a tanning salon. Only these are flesh-colored with one small hole in the center of each lens. Slightly larger than the size of a pupil. She slips them on. A bright smile. GIN How do I look, honey? And Mac smiles. In return. MAC Like a woman. Of mystery. INT. SUITE, PENINSULA HOTEL - LATE NIGHT Glass doors open WIDE to a terrace which overlooks Kowloon, the harbor, Hong Kong Island beyond. More lights than stars in heaven. And speaking of heaven... ...the SOUNDS of lovemaking are fierce, feral, an urgent rhythm, part comic, part wondrous, and mostly, arousing enough to make us PAN TO... ...lovemaking in silhouette. This is the lovemaking of tigers, mesmerizing to watch, ferocious enough to inspire envy, and somehow... ...tender enough. To suggest real love. LATER...Mac and Gin sit before the open terrace. There is wine and food and abandoned clothing all around them. She has her pack drawn near. And Qiu's leather pouch. She removes the goggles... This is the moment. GIN In the Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank Building. Is a room with two computers. One for you. And one for me. MAC Glad I have a function, here. GIN The room is a vault on the 14th floor. Access codes to that room are changed daily, computer pass- words on the hour, but... But. She is electric, more alive than he's ever seen her. GIN Four men in the world. Don't need codes. Their retinas will scan to unlock everything. One of these is China's Minister of Finance. She lifts the goggles... MAC And his retinal plate is in there. Yep. MAC Our trade for the great train robbery. All right, let's say we're in the door. Now what? From her pack, she pulls a slender black rectangle. Opens it to reveal a shiny metallic DISC. GIN Hong Kong has a huge portion of its holdings invested in foreign banks. In hundreds of separate accounts... Holds up the metallic disc. GIN This CD ROM is programmed to send, instantaneously, thousands of instruc- tions, with all necessary confirmation codes, to transfer reasonably modest sums out of those accounts.... MAC Modest. GIN Two or three million at a crack, in odd numbers. Total, eight billion. And change. MAC And you've set up a laundry. GIN Every wire transfer gets rocketed through a series of multiple switches, Austria, Uruguay, Antigua, The Channel Islands, the Caymans... MAC (quietly) Seychelles? GIN (beat) I left that out. MAC You're forgiven. GIN Thank you. As soon as each deposit lands somewhere, it's shot somewhere else, til the Mafia couldn't find it. MAC But those first instructions, transferring the 8 billion dollars. They're recorded in the main computer. She waggles the disc. GIN Nope. The CD instructs the computer to erase the real transactions. And replace them in its memory with an innocuous loan coded XJ6. Little homage to Limeyland, there. MAC Dearest. The accounts won't reconcile. She waggles the disc. Again. GIN Wrong. The CD instructs the computer to over-report all account totals forever, in the exact amounts we've lifted. So the Chinese think the money's still there. On this one. He has to smile. MAC The money. Is still. Missing. GIN Sure, the foreign banks know they sent out some money. But they think Hong Kong knows it, too. And since we're leaving plenty in every account... MAC The shit doesn't splatter. Until the first account runs dry. Exactly. GIN And then. Comes the really brilliant part of the whole thing! MAC I was hoping there'd be one. He settles back. Looks at her. GIN Admit it, so far you're blown away. Well... MAC It does sound like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. And his fingers reach out... MAC Pity it will be over. In 21 hours. Touch her hair. Her face. She swallows. A raw moment. A hoarse... GIN Bet you say that. To all the one-night-stands. But he's just staring in her eyes. The look pins her. She can't wriggle off. A murmured... MAC No, ma'am... He leans to her... MAC Only the best of them. They kiss. EXT. STATUE SQUARE - ROUND MIDNIGHT CLOSE on the British Petroleum billboard, where the countdown CLOCK says...JUNE 30, 1997, 11:41 P.M., 0 DAYS, 0 HOURS, 18 MINUTES, 51 SECONDS TO: REUNION WITH CHINA! The square is beyond BEDLAM. Times Square looks deserted New Year's Eve compared to this carnival CRUSH of humanity, rock and rolling as if reunion with China was the doorway to Paradise. Singing, chanting, screaming, dancing, music and booze everywhere, firecrackers exploding, soldiers and civilians, tycoons and hookers, tourists and peddlers and Party members and homeless, going absolutely nuts. Who knows. Could be the last party. Ever. WHIP PAN to the crowded plaza in front of the towering glass-and- steel headquarters of the HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK. ZOOM to focus on our smashing couple in evening wear, Gin with a large beaded shoulder bag. Mac presents an invitation to a PLA soldier, who admits them into... INT. PUBLIC LOBBY, HONG KONG AND SHANGHAI BANK ...a VIP party going full blast in the lobby of this truly breathtaking structure. A central ATRIUM rises 47 floors, creating a soaring clear core, around which the offices and working spaces are ringed. The view straight up is interrupted only at three well-spaced levels, where thick CANOPIES of glass, stitched together with spidery skeletons of steel, SPAN the open core. Mac looks up... ...at the balcony railings surrounding the atrium, the revelers have been granted access to the lower five floors. Above these, all is empty. MAC Nice of the Colonel to provide an invitation... She is guiding him toward one of the multiple hors d'oeuvre stations. Half the celebrants seem to be armed PLA soldiers, many with rifles slung boldly across their shoulders. GIN Well, I promised him a bonus. Five million. Comes out of your share. MAC ...long as I don't have to have sex with him. Mac loads up on six hors d'oeuvres, piling them on a napkin, as she takes two flutes of champagne. They step away from the mob toward a potted plant near the wall, and Mac... ...drops his snacks with a SPLAT. Shit. Bending to clean the mess, he slips from his waistband a flat CIRCUIT BOARD with a bank logo and a three-pronged plug. In a single motion, he plugs it INTO a socket concealed by the pot, scoops up his canapes, and we CUT TO... INT. SURVEILLANCE ROOM Three SECURITY OFFICERS blink, as ALL FIFTY monitor screens go HAYWIRE at once. The images compressed to a blur of lines between a series of diagonal SLACK BARS that slash across the screens. The way your TV acts when the horizontal hold goes out. They can't believe it. Stumped, they start slamming buttons, flipping switches, jabbering to each other. Now the images begin to ROLL vertically, as if in response to their attempts at adjustment. Welcome to the world of high tech. INT. ELEVATOR BANK Mac and Gin wait with a party of older Brits, who've had plenty to drink and are carrying more. Two armed soldiers flank the elevators. A car arrives. As the Brits enter... MAC (politely) We'll take the next one. Waiting, calmly. Mac smiles at a soldier. MAC (subtitled Mandarin) What time tomorrow do the tanks roll in? The guy LAUGHS. An elevator arrives. Gin sipping champagne as they enter. The doors CLOSE. They are alone. The panel has floors 1 through 5 lit. The other numbers, 6-10 and 16-47, are dark. There are NO numbers 11-15. Mac pulls from his pocket a small flat DEVICE, not much thicker than a credit card, with a window and a series of LED lights on its face. He fits it into a SLOT beside a black glass PLATE on the elevator panel. Immediately, the LEDs scramble, all RED, numbers FLASH across the card's window, as the device begins to lock on the elevator code. In sequence, the LEDs turn GREEN, and... ...the glass plate LIGHTS, announcing in Kanji and English...ACCES GRANTED TO FLOORS 11, 12, 14, 15. Mac presses the lit number 14. The elevator RISES. He looks over at her. She is tight enough to snap. We can feel her heart racing from here. MAC So all that time, sitting at your computers. All the research, the access codes your job allowed you to steal, floor plans, schematics... setting up all your bank accounts... She looks irritated. He is smiling, gently. MAC Years of work, comes down to.... (checks his watch) ...six minutes. Don't be nervous. Easy come, easy go. She looks away. The elevator stops. MAC Your share prob'ly works out to, what? Dollar and a quarter an hour? Me laughs. The door opens. She is pissed off. GIN What's your point? MAC (very real) That I like you, Ginger. Now they're staring at each other. An open elevator door. An empty dim hallway. They see only each other. MAC The dedication, the skill, the guts... He holds out the crook of his arm. As a gentleman escorts a lady. MAC I'm going to see you get everything you deserve. Her eyes flicker on that. So he grins... MAC Woman. If you can't have fun, right now. You're in the wrong business. She looks in his eyes. Her body seems to relax, just a little. She takes his arm. INT. 14TH FLOOR CLOSE on a KEYPAD. Next to it, a mirrored PLATE with two APERTURES, set apart the distance of human eyes. Gin's goggled face DROPS into frame, reflected in the mirrored surface. She fits her eyes to the apertures... GIN (whispers) Open. Sesame. A red scanning light APPEARS. Tracks vertically. BEEPS. Tracks horizontally. And from somewhere... ...a soft CLICK. PULL BACK now, to see... They stand at what seems the door to a BANK VAULT. Round, gigantic, heavy steel. Bolts eyerywhere. Mac reaches to GRASP the handle, and... CLANG. The door swings OPEN. They stare at the inner sanctum... ...a windowless ROOM. Dim, eerie fluorescence. A blast of white noise from the elaborate air-cooling system. Two large MAINFRAME COMPUTERS face each other from opposite walls, desks and work stations with PC monitors filling the space between. As Mac closes the vault door behind them... ...Gin goes quickly to the smaller mainframe. Pulls the high- resolution monitor around on its adjustable arm. The screensaver displays Guernsey cows swimming among tropical fish. She hits a key. The screen saver replaced by, WELCOME. AUTHORIZATION MODE PLEASE. Two boxes for PASSWORD and SCAN. She hits SCAN. A plastic shield RISES, revealing... ...the mirrored PLATE, the tiny APERTURES. Gin leans to fit her goggled eyes in place. The red scanning light. Vertical track. BEEP. Horizontal track. And the monitor announces...WELCOME MINISTER FEIHONG. Gin takes off the goggles, and... ...THROWS them across the room to Mac at the larger mainframe. As he repeats the scanning process, Gin is loading the precious CD-ROM into her mainframe's driver. Watches the screen... GIN Uploading. And you've got... two minutes, fifty seconds. WITH Mac now. Typing the words CONTROL PANEL. The screen now shows icons for time setting, and he clicks his mouse to create a CLOCK in the center of the screen, labeled LOCAL TIME, and reading 11:57:19, changing with each second that passes... MAC So let's see. Across town at the British Consulate... INTERCUT...frenzied activity in a large war room filled with computers, wall screens, every worker functioning at top speed... CONTINUE to hear Mac over this... MAC (V.O.) ...everyone is working frantically to complete transactions before they go off-line at midnight. CUT BACK to Mac in the vault. He clicks his mouse to create a clock at the LEFT of the screen, labeled BRITISH TERMINAL TIME. It is, of course, showing the same time as the local clock. MAC ...then, deep in the high-tech bowels of the Bank of China Building, just across the square... INTERCUT...an even larger war room, even better staffed and equipped. Everyone...doing...nothing. Staring at blank monitors and wall screens. MAC (V.O.) ...the Chinese are sitting on their thumbs, waiting to come on-line at midnight. CUT BACK to Mac in the vault. He clicks his mouse to create another clock at the RIGHT of the screen, labeled CHINA TERMINAL TIME. Shows the same time as the other clocks. 11:58:22. MAC I feel for these boys. Let's give them a breather, hmmn? CLICKS the mouse, and the BRITISH TERMINAL TIME begins FLASHING. MAC We'll let the Brits go off-line 4 seconds early. As the flashing clock reaches 11:58:30, and Mac HITS the key four times, advancing the British clock to 34 seconds, four seconds later than the others. MAC And we'll give our new Chinese overlords 4 extra seconds of rest before they have to go on-line. As the local and Chinese clocks reach 40 seconds, Mac HITS the key four times, regressing the Chinese clock back to 36 seconds. We watch all three clocks, clicking down the last moments of British rule. The British clock is 4 seconds FAST, the Chinese clock 4 seconds SLOW. MAC Playing God here, Ginger. We've created 8 seconds that do not exist, anywhere but in this room. LOCAL TIME...11:59:00. One minute to midnight. MAC 8 seconds, where no one is on-line but your little CD-Rom. He turns around. Her eyes are waiting. Across the room. MAC And when, eventually, everyone discovers what transaction XJ6 was really about... GIN China will think it happened before midnight. Britain will swear it happened after midnight... MAC They'll each be positive. The other guy. Did it. Mac sighs. This is a sad thing. MAC Liable to be an ugly international incident. She squints across at his clock. GIN Britain off-line in 18 seconds. We're bulletproof. His smile returns. Bittersweet and real... MAC Baby girl. Nothing. Is bulletproof. Ever. The look holds. He turns back to his screen. She lingers on him for an instant. Then, back to the mainframe, finger poised above her ENTER key... MAC Britain goes bye-bye in 6... 5...4...3. INTERCUT...The British Consulate. All screens go DARK. A logo APPEARS of a POPPING Champagne BOTTLE, whose spray forms a Union Jack twined with a PRC flag, everyone SHOUTS, cheers or curses, and we SMASH CUT... BACK to Gin...striking ENTER, the screen flashing TRANSACTIONS XJ6 PROCESSING. GIN (softly) Jesus God, it's going through. MAC (watching his clocks) Hong Kong midnight, happy new year. Except at China Bank. GIN (to her screen) C'mon, c'mon... Her screen flashes TRANSACTIONS XJ6 COMPLETED, hear her SHRIEK of ecstasy, as we... INTERCUT...Bank of China where dark screens suddenly LIGHT with the same stupid PARTY LOGO. Only nobody cheers. They just get to work. BACK TO the vault... MAC Feel like a nightcap? But across the way, Gin is JAMMING a button. Again. Again. GIN The CD won't come out of the driver. Houston. We have a problem. MAC Relax, don't jam it... GIN (jamming it) FUCKING THING!! He crosses the room. She's rummaging on a nearby desk, finds a LETTER OPENER. MAC Don't panic, now, there's no rush... GIN We can't leave it IN THERE, it's got all our accounts, everything that can NAIL us to a goddam CROSS!! She's fitting the letter opener INTO the narrow slot above the lid of the driver. MAC Easy with that, there's no ru... WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Every SIREN in the skyscraper is SHRIEKING, lights are FLASHING CRIMSON, Gin's screen says SECURITY BREACH in a selection of languages. Gin just staring at it. GIN There's a rush. The sirens are EAR-SPLITTING. We know that elsewhere in this building, all hell must be breaking loose. Gin is YANKING Mac's arm out of the socket... GIN LET'S MOVE IT, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING F... MAC The disc. Is still in there. Yeh. She stares at it. Really scared. GIN We can't help it, we...we've gotta... He stares at her. In one motion, he SNATCHES a stapler from the desk and SMASHES the driver with all his strength. It pops open. Calmly, he plucks her CD from the tray. She mouths a barely audible... GIN What a guy. But just as she's about to bolt...he holds up one hand. Slips another CD from his pocket. We see the words KENNY G. MAC Was wondering where to leave this... Pops it IN the drive. SLAMS it shut. MAC (quietly) Time to go. INT. CORRIDOR Mac and Gin RUNNING full tilt through the siren BLARE, turning a corner to see ahead... ...the balcony railing, the building's empty central CORE. Mac BOLTS straight TOWARD it, Gin sprinting to follow, lungs pounding, they reach the railing, looking DOWN to see... Hysteria, unimaginable chaos. Soldiers, black-tie partygoers, SCRAMBLING in all directions, looking to his left Mac sees... ...the bank of ELEVATORS, soldiers POURING in, some cars already RISING, fourth floor, fifth. Now he looks directly BELOW, where... ...soldiers are POUNDING up the metal service staircase, the front rank almost at the third floor. In the lobby, some faces look up to see us, but no one is shooting. GIN They don't know we're the bad guys. He PLUNGES his hand into her shoulder bag... MAC Time they find out. Pulls OUT two PLASMA GRENADES, and FLINGS one toward the elevator cables three floors down and it... ...EXPLODES in a horrifying FIREBALL, causing PANDEMONIUM in the lobby below, the elevator cables BLOWN AWAY, cars PLUNGING, the yellow smoke momentarily screening us from the soldiers far below, and Mac HURLS the second grenade... ...STRAIGHT DOWN and the fireball WIPES OUT the staircase, a huge section of ninth floor landing RAINING down on the lobby. GIN Okay. How do we get down? MAC Down? I never liked down. Grabs her hand and they RACE to the staircase, as smoke BILLOWS everywhere below. UP they go, two stairs at a time, the lowest glass-and-spiderweb-steel CANOPY is three floors above us, the cacophany of SHOUTS below is like an amplified insane asylum. He is dragging her now, up, up, BULLETS are flying blind through the smoke, CHEWING up metal and glass all around us, up, up, and as the smoke at last clears, they have reached... ...the canopy floor. They can see the army down below. Clutching her hand, Mac leads her OVER the railing, ONTO the canopy itself, and together they RUN... ...straight ACROSS the heavy glass toward the far side of the building, like space-walking above the throng 150 feet below, BULLETS now TRACING their path from beneath, SLAMMING OFF the underside of the bulletproof canopy, Gin SHRIEKING with fright as they go. We see ahead... ...three EXECUTIVE ELEVATORS beginning to climb the far wall. These are glass-enclosed tubes, all filled with soldiers, the car in the lead already at the tenth floor. Mac keeps running straight TOWARD them. GIN (out of breath) WE'VE GOT ONE MORE GRENADE! MAC (not) SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY! They make it to the edge of the canopy, the lead elevator only two floors below them. We can see the soldiers through the glass. Mac GRASPS her hand, and as the car nears our level... MAC You can do this. They LEAP across five feet of open air to... ...LAND squarely on the car's metal roof, Mac WRAPPING his free arm AROUND the cable, and UP we go. The ant colony below us receding fast. Gin is hanging onto the cable, petrified. Mac is looking up toward the roof. GIN Okay, now what? MAC (absently) Shut up. You're on a 'need-to- know' basis. GIN Mac, I'm sorry. He looks at her. Just now, she seems more miserable than afraid. GIN Turns out, I'm a screw-up. He doesn't smile. Passing the third canopy. MAC Well. Something to be said for being self-aware. Looks back up. Forty-first floor. Six to go. MAC May I have the last grenade, dear. It's about to rain. She blinks. Huh? So he reaches into her bag, pulls out the grenade, and THROWS it... ...STRAIGHT up. The roof above them EXPLODES in a FIREBALL, and SHIELDS her body against the wall of their shaft, as a huge SECTION of roof comes RAINING down. We watch as it... ...CRASHES through the upper canopy, TONS of roof and glass PLUNGING to... ...BLAST through the middle canopy, everyone below SCRAMBLING for shelter, as the whole shebang... ...EXPLODES through the lowest canopy. Gin can only GAPE at the incredible display. Mouthing a silent WOW. They've passed the second canopy, thirty-sixth floor. Still climbing. The other two elevators maybe five floors below us. MAC You see, banking will be more democratic under China. She looks to him. MAC Well. No more glass ceiling. The elevator car has STOPPED. We are at the roof. The soldiers are in the car beneath our feet, nowhere to get out. Above our heads. ...the last few feet of elevator cable. And starry sky, where our patch of roof used to be. MAC How refreshing. The night air. He begins to shimmy up the few feet of cable. At the top, he reaches out with one hand toward the lip of the remaining roof, GRABS it, LUNGES with his free hand, and... ...DANGLING 47 floors, he pulls himself UP, swings ONTO the roof. Reaches back down. She is only twelve feet below him. Frozen with fear. GIN I can't do this. MAC You can. If I say so. She stares up at his eyes. He smiles. MAC If you stay. You'll have to pay for the damage... She looks down at the mess below. And starts to climb the cable. Not so easy in a ball gown, but the adrenaline is pumping. Gets to the top. Here's the hard part. One hand reaches out... ...GRABS his. She lets GO. And she is DANGLING in space. MAC Now that split. Did we say 60-40? And with all his strength, hauls her up onto... ...the roof. Two-thirds of it remain. At the far edge, a gigantic MAINTENANCE CRANE, itself two stories high. But between here and the crane... ...a HELICOPTER. Big and beautifUl and empty. She looks like she's seen God. Mac starts to jog toward it, she runs to follow but sees him go... ...straight PAST the chopper. GIN HEY! He turns back. She points to the copter. It's over here. MAC Got the keys? Oh. GIN I thought you could...hot-wire stuff? Guess not. MAC They fix those things so you can't steal them... And keeps walking. Toward the monster CRANE. MAC These, they're not so worried. Moving fast, he points off to his right. Her eyes follow a long CABLE, leading from the arm of the crane, across the roof, attaching by a huge HOOK to a massive WRECKING BALL. MAC Go grab that hook. He reaches the crane's cab. Turns back to see she hasn't moved. MAC Let me rephrase that. Run and grab that hook. Or die... Got it? She takes off running. He hops IN the cab. PUSHES the start button. It rumbles to life. Tests some levers... GIN (O.S.) SHIT! DON'T DO THAT! He turns to see that he's tightened the cable, pulling her ball six feet in the AIR. She clings to the hook with a true death grip. He lowers her ball to the roof. Getting the hang of it. MAC This only works if you shut your eyes. Which makes her eyes BUG OUT. GIN You're not gonna lower me over the side. MAC Of course not. Now close baby eyes... (she won't) Suit yourself. He THROWS a lever and the crane's arm begins to SWING in a circle, finally taking the ball WITH it, and as she SCREAMS, Mac... ...POUNCES out of the cab, RACING along the edge of the roof, NOT toward the ball which is sweeping the hysterical Gin in a widening ARC, but toward the point where he thinks the ball will clear the edge, and JUST as it does, he... ...LEAPS aboard, throwing one arm around the hook, the other around her, and they go... ...OVER the side, WHOOSHING DOWN in a gigantic, every-increasing LOOP, as the endless steel cable UNWINDS from its huge drum like a fishing reel hooked onto a killer whale. GIN OH NOOOOOOOOOO.... The ride no theme park could insure, SWOOPING out ACROSS the skyline, DROPPING like an anvil, as the cable UNSPOOLS hundreds of feet, nothing but NOTHING for miles below them, Gin grabbing a breath to SHRIEK her guts out, as the monstrous pendulum reaches its max, begins to slow toward that one nauseating motionless instant... MAC Let go NOW!! He YANKS her loose, and they drop... ...four feet. The ball SWINGS OFF lnto space to some unknown mayhem. Clutching Mac, Gin looks WAY down to the street, and realizes they are standing on... ...a rooftop. Quiet, safe. Alone. MAC Planning. She WHIPS around, GLARING death at his eyes. MAC And dumb luck. She COLLAPSES in his arms, every muscle trembling in spasm, sobbing... GIN God, I hate you. He holds her tenderly. Kisses the top of her head. MAC (softly) Good. I hate you, too. EXT. NATHAN ROAD - EARLY MORNING WITH Gin in a soft brunette wig, walking briskly, light carry-all across her shoulder. Very early, even the busiest street in the world is less than that at this hour. Up ahead... ...Tsimshatsui Station, a tall man with a tourist shopping bag, leaning casually against a pole. Talking into a cellular. As she approaches, Mac doesn't seem to notice, but she can now hear his conversation... MAC (into phone) ...if I can't have my usual suite, I'll take my business to the Bristol, simple as that. He sees her now. Smiles small. MAC (into phone) ...why indeed should I be more loyal to you than you've been to me? Think it over. SNAPS the phone shut. MAC You ran your calls. She did. She is frankly exhilarated. GIN All the transactions, all the transfers. It's a miracle. MAC Why? The CD erased the trans- actions, all accounts seem in order. It looks like the thieves were stopped in time. She sighs. It is a miracle. GIN The Colonel says police have nothing. A man in black-tie, a blonde in a gown. The elevator guards saw faces, but no mug shots to ID. I think it's over. Mac's smile. Bittersweet affection. MAC Except it never is, really. Quite. Over. She smiles. It is easy, but dazzling. Atypically soft. GIN Well, one hopes not. The Bristol, huh? In...Paris? Ah. MAC You're not going back to Mr. Cruz, and the nine-to-five? GIN Not hardly. I've arranged to be killed in a car crash. On Taipei. Amazing how little it costs. MAC Well. You want to watch those pennies. She takes a breath. Scared, in an excited way... GIN I could arrange for two. In that crash. His smile back. He looks at his watch. Takes her hand. Leads her to the subway steps. MAC You know, for a bitch. You can be awfully sweet. GIN Woman of mystery. What do you say? I like the Bristol, just fine. mean, it's not the Ritz... MAC You know, all night I've been wrestling with something... GIN Not the most flattering way to put it. He takes his big tourist shopping bag. Puts it in her hand. MAC I've changed your travel plans. They are descending now. Into the vast underground train station. GIN Mine. MAC Instead of taking the subway to the airport, you change at Jordan Station for Kowloon Tong. Got that? Got that? MAC Jordan is only 90 seconds up the line. Like a wire transfer, you're gone. Vanished. He holds up a silencing finger. Listen to me. MAC In this bag are passports, tickets, papers. An amber wig, a good one. A dress you can slip on in five seconds. Her eyes moving over his face. What is this? MAC You're on a tight connection to the Trans-Siberian Express, be in Europe in a week. GIN Mac, wh... MAC Shhh. You always talk too much. They're at the booth. He pays their fare. Through the turnstiles, now. MAC Time has come to return the favor. One last time. Smiles at her. As they enter a tunnel. MAC Tell you. What business. I'm actually in. And in an instant of blind panicked clarity. She gets the whole thing. GIN (hushed) My God. You're a cop. MAC (very softly) That's my girl. Keep walking. People are everywhere. But they are alone in the world. MAC See, my profession was cover, too. A notorious thief has access to colleagues, their plans... He sighs. MAC I've turned in...well, couple hundred. over forty years. Scotland Yard, Interpol, FBI... Looking around the tunnel. MAC Thought I might retire. After you. GIN And all the...microchips, the diamond machine... MAC Well, the chips were returned. The machine was just a box, did you actually think it was real? Glances at her. GIN I thought...everything was real. Stupid girl. End of the tunnel in sight now. It leads to a massive, endless quai. Trains in transit. GIN Those were your jobs, so I could have claimed entrapment. You had to wait. For mine. Nearly there. He says nothing. Looks pretty grim. GIN The Oracle Bone... MAC Well, the State Department liked that one. They have more fish to fry with Beijing than Taiwan. He sighs. MAC So they're taking credit for letting it go through. Tho I'm afraid your Colonel may be in for a career disappointment. She stops walking. She has to know... GIN And the 5 billion. Ah. That. MAC I haven't told them. Gently, takes her arm. Leads her onto the endless train platform. Walking slower now. MAC I said you hadn't revealed the job. That it wouldn't take place until after the changeover. Down the platform they stroll. As her eyes wander... MAC Don't look, they're there. Her breath catches. Her eyes go down. GIN And my tickets. In the shopping bag? MAC Well. Kept my options open. If I give you up, they don't matter, do they? Her heart pounding through her chest. GIN If. MAC Had lots of crazy thoughts. One was retirement. With four billion dollars. After all, I know some places where life could be private... GIN But you couldn't do that, huh? They've stopped. Just two travellers in a strange land. waiting for a train. GIN Otherwise. They wouldn't be here. He nods. Smiling pleasantly. MAC Creature of habit. I suppose. We feel her adrenaline racing. GIN Lots. Of thoughts, you s... MAC Keep smiling. They won't move, until I raise my left arm. And so she smiles. As prettily as she can manage. MAC I thought. Well, I've got the CD. I could contact the banks, reverse all the transactions... A train is COMING. We HEAR it. MAC ...except maybe. Leave you with... oh, a hundred million, say. To tide you over. SEE the train. Slowing. Pulling in. MAC Then, I thought, nah. Not my style. With a SHRIEK of metal. The train PULLS toward us. MAC I figured. What the hell? What the hell? MAC Let her keep the lot. The train STOPS. The doors OPEN. People come out, people go in. Pouring around them. They are alone again. The subway doors stand open. Two feet away. She looks at them... MAC No rush. The doors won't close for 60 seconds. Sixty seconds. And still smiling... MAC There's a pistol in the bag. Reach in slowly. Take it out fast. Point it at my temple. She freezes to stone. MAC You can do it. If I say you can. And she...DOES IT. A blinding MOVE, the gun straight at his head, Mac miming fear, raising his hands to chill the agents we... WHIP PAN to see. Half a dozen, everywhere, but none too close. They REACT, pull their weapons, but it's a stand-off. BACK TO... Two people. Alone in the universe. MAC Step onto the car, keep the pistol trained on my face. She hesitates. Does as he says. Passengers are screaming, cringing, bolting for other cars. Our world is FROZEN. His hands raised... MAC Seems I was wrong. Gentle smile. MAC Entrapment. Is what robbers. Do to cops, huh? Her eyes are flooding. The gun is trembling. MAC Twenty seconds. Shoot me in the shoulder, it'll slow them down. Her pistol is shaking like she has palsy. Tears are on her cheeks. GIN Oughta shoot you in the face. MAC Come on, you can do it, if I sa... GIN No way. Not anymore. She sobs. She can't stand this. MAC Ten seconds, hold on. GIN When do I see you? There is no answer. There are no words. The doors HISS SHUT. She stares, training her pistol on him through the glass, his hands reaching back to hold off the agents, and the train... PULLS away. An instant to pick up speed, and it ROARS into a tunnel. Gone. Mac stands motionless as ALL HELL breaks loose around him, AGENTS rushing to his side, Mac shaking his head, calmly... Still staring after the train. MAC Airport. Changing at Mongkok Station, we can cut her off. Walkie-talkies WHIP out. These guys are the same the world over. We begin to CRANE UP... MAC She might lose the wig, be looking brunette or blonde, navy pants suit... AGENT I think Yaumatei changes for the airport, and it's closer. Keep PULLING UP, an AERIAL VIEW now, too high to see their faces... MAC (O.S.) I think you're wrong, but cover it. You got maybe four minutes. HIGHER still, the mob below an ant colony... MAC (O.S., calmly) No problem. She's trapped. But as the crowd parts. We can make out one lone man... Staring after. What has gone. FADE TO BLACK. ROLL END CREDITS.

"Erin Brockovich", early draft, by Susannah Grant ERIN BROCKOVICH A True Story by Susannah Grant February 1, 1998 EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SUBURB, MAIN DRAG - DAY Palms sway ... the sun washes everything in yellow ... cars motor down either side of the landscaped median ... the calls of mockingbirds mingle with the BLIP BLIP of car alarms. ON THE SIDEWALK, a SKATEBOARD CA-LUNKS down the sidewalk, past the foot traffic of Southern Californians: flip-flops, Doc Marten's, Rollerblades, Nikes ... then, in the middle of this pedestrian normalcy, a pair of IMPOSSIBLY HIGH SPIKE- HEELED PUMPS struts out of a shop. So high it hurts to look at them. As the shoes leave frame, we TILT UP and see they're leaving a 99-cent store. As the Pumps turn and head up the street, we see they are connected to a pair of IMPOSSIBLY LONG, SHAPELY LEGS. Eveready legs -- they just keep going and going. They saunter past two BUSINESSMEN on a lunch break. The men pause and glance as men tend to when they see a beautiful woman. In fact, everyone this woman passes lets their eyes rest on her a microsecond longer than usual. - Two SKATEBOARDERS note the STRETCHY MICRO-MINI skimming the tops of her thighs. - A MAILMAN spots the BIG, DARK SUNGLASSES tucked into a MOUNTAIN OF BIG, BLOND HAIR. - A PRE-TEEN GIRL glimpses the PLUNGING NECKLINE of the TIGHT, BRIGHT RED MIDRIFF-BARING BUSTIER. It isn't until she rounds the corner at the end of the block that we see her entire figure and appreciate why everyone is so goggle-eyed. Eye-catching is an understatement. All those folks who say Barbie's proportions are unrealistic have obviously never met ERIN BROCKOVICH. EXT. AROUND THE CORNER - DAY A side street. No pedestrians, just parked cars. A PARKING TICKET flaps under the wiper of an old Hyundai. ERIN Fuck. Even when she talks dirty, there's a heartland goodness to her voice. Like Kansas corn fields swaying in the breeze. As she grabs the ticket from the windshield, her sunglasses accidentally CLATTER to the ground. ERIN Shit. When she picks them up, a fingernail snags on the pavement. ERIN God damn it. She tends to the nail as she opens her car door and gets in. WIDER ON THE STREET The Hyundai starts it up, signals. Then, just as it pulls slowly out into the street, a JAGUAR barrels around the corner, accelerating out of the turn, and rams into the side of Erin's car, sending it CAREENING into the median. It SMASHES into a foot-thick lightpost. And stops. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY A boring building on a boring block in the Valley, surrounded by strip malls. Definitely not where the power lawyers work. ROSALIND (O.S.) Morning, Mr. Masry. How you doing today? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY Generic. Cottage cheese ceilings, motel art. A sign over the reception desk reads: MASRY & VITITOE, ATTORNEYS AT LAW. ED MASRY, senior partner, slumps by ROSALIND, his chipper receptionist, with a cup of coffee in his hand. He's in his mid-50's, compact and -- even though it's only 9 AM -- already rumpled. ED Don't ask that on Mondays, Rosalind. Whatever passion he once had for the personal injury law that is his career has long since dissipated. He trundles off toward his office. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed's secretary BRENDA -- 50's, jaded, hates her job, but what can you do? -- is on the phone when Ed rounds the corner. She puts the call on hold, turns to Ed. BRENDA Tony Marvin. ED Oh, Jesus. Who's responsible for his pain and suffering this time? BRENDA His dry cleaners. You want him? ED What do you think? What's this? He grabs a gift-wrapped bottle off her desk, reads the card. BRENDA Tequila. From your drug dealer friend. ED Carlos isn't a friend; he's a client. BRENDA He's a low-life. Speaking of which, that's your nine o'clock in there. Ed peers into his office. It's a mess -- papers everywhere, unopened mail. Standing in the middle of the room is Erin, in a teensy, leopard-print mini-dress. As she jiggles a spike-heeled foot, everything about her shimmies gloriously. Except her head, which is held in place by a neck brace. ED Whoa. (to Brenda) Remind me. BRENDA Erin Brockovich. Car accident. Not her fault, she says. (sarcastic) And she looks like such an honest girl, don't you think? ED You shouldn't judge, Brenda. BRENDA Right. Lap-dancers are people too. As Ed heads into his office, Brenda picks up the phone. BRENDA I can't find him, Tony. We'll have to call you back. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Not an office that exudes authority, and Ed's blustery entrance only adds to the sense of chaos. ED Erin -- hi. Sorry you had to wait. Here, sit down, sit down. He clears a stack of papers off a chair. ERIN Thanks a lot. (as she sits) I tell you, I never thought just standing would take it out of me, but ever since that shithead hit me, it feels like my whole body's put together wrong. Ed gives her a look of pro-forma sympathy. ED Jesus, you poor thing. (he sits) Well, listen, you came to the right place. Whoever did this to you made one hell of a mistake, and you and me, we're gonna make him pay for it. He takes out a pad and paper, gets ready to write. ED Why don't you tell me what happened? DISSOLVE TO: INT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA COURTROOM - DAY Erin is on the stand, wearing the most conservative thing she owns: a red, form-fitting mini dress, telling her story to Ed, who's questioning her. ERIN I was pulling out real slow, and out of nowhere, his Jaguar comes racing around the corner like a bat outta hell ... She glances at the defendant's table, where a DOCTOR sits nobly in surgical scrubs. His WIFE and two beautiful KIDS are behind him. A frigging Norman Rockwell painting. LATER IN HER TESTIMONY: ERIN They took some bone from my hip and put it in my neck. I didn't have insurance, so I'm about seventeen thousand in debt right now. STILL LATER: ERIN ... couldn't take painkillers cause they made me too groggy to take care of my kids. STILL LATER: ERIN ... Matthew's six, Katie's four, and Beth's just nine months. STILL LATER: ERIN ... just wanna be a good mom, a nice person, a decent citizen. Just wanna take good care of my kids. You know? ED (oh so moved) Yeah. I know. INT. COURTROOM - LATER Erin is still on the stand. But now the doctor's lawyer is questioning her. DEFENDING LAWYER Seventeen thousand in debt. Whew. Is your ex-husband helping out? ERIN Which one? DEFENDING LAWYER (feigning shock) There's more than one? ERIN Yeah. There's two. Why? Erin looks over at the jury. The personification of conservative family values. Oh, shit. LATER IN HER TESTIMONY: ERIN (getting defensive) ... not like a career, cause I had my babies. But I woulda worked, for sure, if I didn't have this neck thing. Erin sees a juror staring judgmentally at her short hem. Erin gives it a tug, pulling it down a stitch. DEFENDING LAWYER (sarcastic) Right. No doubt. Erin sees a few jurors share dubious glances. Great. STILL LATER: The defendant's lawyers is on the offensive. Erin's starting to feel the case slipping away. DEFENDING LAWYER So. You must've been feeling pretty desperate that afternoon. ERIN (pointed) What's your point? Ed shakes his head slightly to her -- don't get mad. DEFENDING LAWYER Broke, three kids, no job. A doctor in a Jaguar must've looked like a pretty good meal ticket. Erin sees jurors nodding almost imperceptibly in agreement. She's on a sinking ship. ERIN What? Hey -- he hit me. DEFENDING LAWYER So you say. ERIN He came tearing around the corner, out of control -- DEFENDING LAWYER An ER doctor who spends his days saving lives was the one out of control -- ERIN (erupting) That asshole smashed in my fucking neck! INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY The door to the courtroom flies open and Erin comes out, furious. Ed follows her as she heads for the elevator. ERIN Open and shut? Open and fucking shut? ED If you hadn't used profanity -- ERIN Oh, please, it was long over by then. God damn, he made me look like some cheap -- ED I told you the questions might get a little personal -- ERIN Bullshit. You told me I'd get half a million dollars. You told me I'd be set. Ed notices her ranting is starting to draw attention. ED Okay -- let's try and settle down here. ERIN Settle down? I got 74 bucks to my name, Mr. Masry! I can't afford to settle down! Beat. ED I'm sorry, Erin. ERIN Yeah? Well, fuck you. Sorry doesn't feed my kids. Erin turns away from him and heads for the stairway. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY A shitty little house in a shitty part of Northbridge. The Hyundai with a bashed-in side pulls up to the curb. Erin gets out, takes the mail from her mailbox, then heads over to the equally grim house next door and rings the bell. A Hispanic woman in her 60's opens the door, holding a white baby. This is MRS. MORALES. MRS. MORALES Hi, Erin! You're back so soon. How was it? She hands Erin the baby. It's BETH, Erin's 9-month old. Erin avoids the question by focusing on her baby. ERIN Hi, sweetie. Were you a good girl? Where are Matt and Katie? MRS. MORALES Outside with the sprinkler. So it's good? The truth is too depressing to share. ERIN It'll be fine, yeah. MRS. MORALES Ai, bueno. Because I didn't want to tell you before, with your worries -- ERIN What? MRS. MORALES My daughter, she's bought a big house with a room for me. I'm going to move in with her. ERIN You're moving away? When? MRS. MORALES Next week. ERIN (stunned) Wow, that's soon -- MRS. MORALES I know. But it's good for me. Now I can help my daughter take care of my grandkids. And it's good for you, too. Now you have money, you can find a good babysitter, huh? Not the old lady next door. Oh, God. In Erin's arms, Beth starts to COUGH. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin carries Beth up to her house. As she nears her door, she steps on a GIANT WATER BUG. It crunches under her sole. ERIN Ugh. Insult added to injury. She heads up to the house, dragging her shoe, wiping off the bug guts. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN LIVING/DINING SPACE - DAY Just as dull inside. Salvation Army furniture. A lot of beige. Erin's two older kids, MATTHEW (7) and KATIE (5) are at the table. Beth is in a baby seat. Erin spoons some Mac & Cheese onto their plates, trying to hide her worry. MATTHEW I don't like this part, it's all crusty. KATIE I like the crust. Erin switches the plates. ERIN Put your napkins in your laps and eat up. KATIE How come you're not eating? Cause there isn't enough food. ERIN Mamma's gonna eat later. From her baby seat on the table, Beth COUGHS some more. Thick, sick-sounding coughs. Erin looks at her. ERIN Don't go getting sick on me, baby. Okay? INT. ERIN'S BATHROOM - NIGHT The shower and sink are both on full, filling the room with STEAM. Erin is seated with COUGHING, CRYING Beth on her lap, trying to steam the illness out of her. ERIN It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. I promise. But her face doesn't look like she believes it. EXT. DRUGSTORE - DAY Matt and Katie are messing around with a gumball machine. INT. DRUGSTORE, AISLE - DAY Erin is holding Beth, wandering the aisles. She stops at the medicines, thinks for a long moment, then, hating herself, glances to make sure no one's looking, and picks up a bottle. INT. DRUGSTORE, AT THE REGISTER - DAY As a CUSTOMER steps away from the register, Erin steps up with the bottle in her hand and smiles at the CHECK-OUT LADY. ERIN Hi, remember me? I was in yesterday. Bought a whole mess of stuff? Round about five? CHECK-OUT LADY Honey, it's a zoo here at five. I'm lucky if I even see a face, much less remember it. ERIN Oh, shoot, yeah, I guess that'd be tough. Well, listen, I meant to buy my baby here some medicine, and by the time I got home, I realized I'd bought the adult stuff by mistake. And now, wouldn't you know, I can't find the receipt. I was wondering -- could I maybe exchange it anyway ... INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin feeds Beth her medicine, feeling miserable about it. ERIN Just remember. No matter what your Mamma does, lying and stealing is real bad. I don't ever wanna hear you doing something like that ... On the table beside her sit the classifieds. Row after row of want ads circled, then X-'d out in red. A WATER BUG crawls across the edge of the paper. ERIN ... Cause there's no excuse for it, you hear me? No excuse at all. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Midday. Ed enters with a cup of coffee in his hand. As he heads to his desk, he trips on a box of files. Coffee sloshes out of his cup, onto his shirt. ED Damn it! (calling out) Brenda! She pops her head in. BRENDA Yeah? He grabs a tissue, swabs his shirt, then kicks at the box. ED What the hell is this doing here? BRENDA It's those files you asked for. ED I didn't mean for you to leave them in the middle of the floor. Jesus. Look at me. What do I have this afternoon? BRENDA Nothing you can't show up for with a stain. As Ed checks his reflection in the glass wall of his office, he notices, on the other side: ERIN, standing in the middle of the secretaries' area, in a miniskirt and leather bustier, talking to MARIO, the firm's mentally challenged office boy. Mario heads away from her. ED What's she doing here? BRENDA Who? Ed goes to his office door and waves Mario over. ED Hey -- Mario -- what's she doing here? MARIO She works here. Ed looks back at her -- what the hell? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY The support staff -- mostly middle-aged women -- are all stealing glances at Erin. Ed comes up to her, all friendly. ED Erin! How's it going? Up close, the wear and tear of worry show on her face. ERIN You never called me back. I left messages. ED You did? Wow, sorry about that. (beat) Listen, Mario's a little not so bright. He seems to think that you said -- ERIN There's two things I can't stand, Mr. Masry. Being ignored, and being lied to. You did both. Glances skitter between the secretaries -- get a load of this. Ed lowers his voice. ED I never lied. I may have miscalculated -- that happens sometimes, but -- ERIN You said things would be fine, and they're not. ED I'm sorry about that. Really. But -- ERIN I don't need pity. I need a paycheck. And I've looked, but when you've spent the last six years raising babies, it's real hard to convince someone to give you a job that pays worth a damn. So I figure, since you're the one who said I was gonna be okay, you should be the one to hire me. Ed sees everyone watching him, listening. ED I'd love to help, Erin, but I'm sorry, I have a full staff right now, so -- He starts to escort her out, but she stays put. ERIN Bullshit. If you had a full staff, you'd have time to return your damn phone calls. She's backing him into a corner here. He shifts gears. ED Okay, look. If you really want to apply for a job here, you can do it the way everyone else does. Send in a rÈsumÈ, make an -- ERIN I'm not everyone else, Mr. Masry. I'm someone you made promises to that you didn't deliver on. I trusted you. With my kids' well-being. Now, I'm smart, and I'm hard- working, and I'll do anything. But if you think I'm leaving here without a job, you got another thing coming. Ed glances around the room. Not a whole lot of options here. He looks back at Erin. ED No benefits. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY A tight office lined with file cabinets and shelves. ANNA, the humorless file clerk, is showing Erin around. ANNA ... what we do in here is keep track of all the case files. That way, at any time, we can find out a case's status -- where it is in the office, stuff like that. We file 'em all here, alphabetically -- ERIN Oh, hell. (beat) I'm dyslexic. ANNA That's a joke, right? Erin shakes her head, no. Great, thinks Anna. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY As Anna shows Erin around the office, they pass JANE, the bitter office manager, and Brenda, at the coffee area. JANE Just last week, he told my sister we weren't hiring. BRENDA What's your sister look like? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT Ed is packing up his office. Erin sticks her head in. ERIN Mr. Masry? He turns, sees her. ED Yeah? ERIN I was wondering -- could you tell me who I'd talk to about maybe getting an advance on my paycheck? Just -- for the weekend. ED Jane's the office manager. She handles payroll and petty cash. But she leaves early on Fridays. ERIN Oh. Okay. That's okay. Ed looks at her a moment, sees that it's far from okay. ED Oh, for Christ's sake ... He takes out his wallet, looks in. ED All I have is hundreds. ERIN I don't wanna take your money, Mr. Masry. ED Bullshit, you don't. He slaps a hundred in her hand and leaves. When he's gone, she looks at the bill -- her life raft -- and gives it a great big kiss. EXT. BABYSITTER'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin is at the door, taking Beth from the BABYSITTER, a shabby, unkempt-looking woman in her 40's. Katie and Matt pull on their backpacks and troop out of the sitter's house. EXT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT Erin is leaving the store, carrying Beth in one arm and a bag of groceries in the other. Katie and Matt are each carrying a bag of groceries as well. They are all singing and moving with the jaunty step of the newly carefree. Katie spots a flower display outside the store. KATIE Mommy, can I get a flower? ERIN Sweetheart, you can get a whole big bunch. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT A small room with Salvation Army furniture. A BUNCH OF DAISIES is propped in a Ragu jar on Katie's bedside table. Matt and Katie are asleep in bed. Erin looks down at them, smiles, then kisses them good-night. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin comes out of the bedroom and softly closes the door. But just as the handle clicks into place, the house is filled with the DEAFENING ROAR of a MOTORCYCLE, REVVING and REVVING. It sounds as if it's gonna drive through the wall. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin steps out onto her front stoop and looks over at what used to be Mrs. Morales's house. A few MOTORCYCLES are parked on the lawn; A FEW BIKERS are drinking beer on the stoop; and one asshole is on his bike, REVVING HIS ENGINE. ERIN Hey! But of course he can't hear her. She walks over to him, stands right in his line of vision. ERIN HEY! He sees her and kills the engine. Everything about GEORGE HALABY is tough -- his denim, his leather, his bike, his long hair. Everything but his eyes, which twinkle like Santa's. GEORGE Well, hello to you, darlin'. ERIN What the hell do you think you're doing, making all that Goddamn noise? GEORGE Just introducing myself to the neighbors. ERIN Well, I'm the neighbors. There, now we're introduced, so you can shut the fuck up. The guys on the porch chuckle. Erin turns and starts back to her house. George hops off his bike and follows her. GEORGE Ooh, now, see, if I'da known there was a beautiful woman next door, I'da done this different. Let's start over. My name's George. What's yours? ERIN Just think of me as the person next door who likes it quiet, and we'll get along fine. GEORGE Now, don't be like that. Tell you what. How about if I take you out on a date to apologize for my rudeness? Erin shakes her head in disbelief and keeps walking. GEORGE Come on. Gimme your number, I'll call you up proper and ask you out and everything. She stops at her porch, turns to him. ERIN You want my number? GEORGE I do. ERIN Which number do you want, George? GEORGE You got more than one? ERIN Shit, yeah. I got numbers coming out of my ears. Like, for instance, ten. GEORGE Ten? ERIN Sure. That's one of my numbers. It's how many months old my little girl is. GEORGE You got a little girl? ERIN Yeah. Sexy, huh? And here's another: five. That's how old my other daughter is. Seven is my son's age. Two is how many times I been married and divorced. You getting all this? 16 is the number of dollars in my bank account. 454-3943 is my phone number. And with all the other numbers I gave you, I'm guessing zero is the number of times you're gonna call it. She turns and heads inside. He calls out after her: GEORGE How the hell do you know your bank balance right off the top of your head like that? See, that impresses me. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Morning. Erin walks in, wearing her usual garb. She passes the coffee area, where Jane, Brenda, and Anna are milling. Brenda sees her, gives Anna a nudge. They both check out her short hem. Anna nudges Jane, who looks as well. Erin glances over just in time to see all three of them staring at her judgementally. She stops in her tracks and stares back. ERIN Y'all got something you wanna discuss? The women go back to stirring their coffees. Erin walks on. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is walking into his office with a coffee cup in his hand when he trips over the same box of files again. ED Damn it! (calling out) Brenda! (no answer) BRENDA! INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY Erin is alone, filing as she talks on the phone. ERIN How long's she been crying like that? ... Well, she's got that tooth coming in -- Ed appears in the door, carrying the box of files. ERIN Give her a cold washcloth to suck on -- (sees Ed) I gotta go -- there's a clean one in that bag -- I'll check back in a bit. (hangs up) Sorry. My kid -- ED Where's Anna? ERIN Out to lunch with the girls. ED Oh. Huh. (beat) Well, look, I got this file I need valued. Real estate thing. A lady has some property next to a PG&E plant that PG&E wants to buy. I need to know what to ask for it. He plunks the box of files on her desk. She stares at it, with no idea of how to go about that. ERIN Oh. Okay. He sees her staring at the box. ED You do know how to do that, don't you? ERIN Yeah. I got it. No problem. ED Good. Ed heads out, but pauses before leaving. ED You're a girl. ERIN Excuse me? ED How come you're not at lunch with the girls? You're a girl. ERIN I guess I'm not the right kind. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - NIGHT Erin is at her desk, staring bewildered at the files from the box Ed gave her, which are now spread across her desktop. She sees Anna packing up her things, to leave. ERIN Anna? With this real-estate valuing stuff - - could you remind me, cause I'm a little confused about how exactly we do that. ANNA (exasperated) Erin, you've been here three weeks. If you don't know how to do your job by now, I am not about to do it for you. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Katie and Matt are running up to the house. Erin follows, toting Beth under one arm and the box of documents under the other. She steps on another water bug. ERIN Ugh. As she wipes the bug guts off the bottom of her shoe: GEORGE (O.S.) Hey, neighbor, wanna beer? She spots George on his stoop, with a six-pack beside him. ERIN No. GEORGE C'mon. I bought 'em for you, to make up for that night. ERIN Return 'em. Maybe you'll get your money back. He gets up and follows her to her house. GEORGE Now, why're you giving me such a hard time? I'm just trying to be a good neighbor. Erin turns to him. The kids are waiting at the door. ERIN I had a good neighbor, George. She was 60 and Mexican and she watched my kids for free. Something tells me you're not gonna be able to measure up to that. GEORGE You need help with your kids? I could probably do that. George reaches out and grabs the box from under her arm. ERIN I'm not gonna leave my kids with you. GEORGE Why not? ERIN Cause I don't even know you. GEORGE Yeah, and whose fault is that? He's got a point there. After a beat: GEORGE What, you got so many friends in this world, you don't have use for one more? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT George is on the floor with Matt and Katie, playing War. Katie points to the Harley emblem on his leather jacket. KATIE What's that stand for? GEORGE That's for Harley Davidson. The best damn motorcycle ever made. Erin comes in from the kitchen. ERIN And if I catch either of you anywhere near one, I'll knock you silly. Go on to bed, now -- I'll come tuck you in in a minute. They get up ... GEORGE Night. KATIE/MATT Night. ... and head into bed. George starts cleaning up the cards. GEORGE Great kids. Erin bends down to help him. ERIN Yeah. I'm probably ruining them. GEORGE How? ERIN I'm never here. I gotta leave 'em with this weird sitter all afternoon who costs a fortune and smells like chicken fat. GEORGE I was serious before, you know. If you need someone to keep an eye on them -- after school or something -- I don't have a job now, so I'm around in the afternoons. ERIN Great. Another deadbeat. GEORGE I'm not a deadbeat. I work when I need to. ERIN Yeah? And what do you do the rest of the time, live off your trust fund? GEORGE I do construction, which pays real good. And I make it last by living cheap. ERIN (with a little laugh) I hope that's not supposed to impress me. GEORGE Are you this hard on everyone who tries to help you? ERIN It's been a while. Maybe I'm just out of practice. GEORGE Then lemme remind you, the polite thing is to say, thank you, that's a real nice offer, I don't mind taking you up on it. ERIN Why in the hell would you want to watch my kids? GEORGE Cause I like kids. I like hanging out with them. ERIN Right. She starts cleaning up the cards. GEORGE I do. I like how they keep it all simple, you know? They don't get all complicated about life, like grown-ups do. A bicycle and an ice cream cone -- boom, done, they're happy. Erin thinks about the offer. ERIN You're around every afternoon? GEORGE Yup. Usually working on my bike. (she's tempted) No big deal. If it doesn't work out, you can send 'em back to the chicken fat lady. Tempting. Erin looks him over. ERIN This isn't gonna get you laid, you know. GEORGE (with a laugh) Yeah, we'll just see about that, won't we? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The wee hours. Erin's in a t-shirt, sitting on her mattress on the floor. The paperwork from the box is now spread all over the floor around her. She's reading a letter. CLOSE ON THE LETTER It's from PG&E, to Donna and Peter Irving. We see the phrases, "purchase your house ...", "fair market value ..." CLOSE ON ANOTHER DOCUMENT It's a list of comparable house sales in the area. Owner, cost; owner, cost. Every house is in the $65,000 range. From another room, she hears the sound of BETH CRYING. Still reading the file, Erin gets up and goes into: INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BETH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Still reading, Erin gets Beth out of her crib. Beth quiets. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin lies down on the mattress and rests Beth on her chest. She sets down the file she was reading and picks up another. CLOSE ON THE FILE It contains a letter from a Dr. Howard Reeves. The first paragraph contains the phrase "... medical examination of Donna and Peter Irving ..." Toward the end of the letter, there are two columns. One is headed: "IN RANGE". The other: "OUT OF RANGE". Under that head appear the following: "lymphocytes, T-lymphocytes, natural killer cells, T Helpers, T8 suppresser cells". Erin stares at it, confused. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY Erin is talking to Jane, who's pouring herself coffee. ERIN It was in this real estate file I'm valuing. And -- see, I know they're the medical records from the people selling the house -- but it talks about things like lymphocytes and T8 suppressers. Erin sees Ed pass behind Jane. She lowers her voice, so he won't see her asking for help. ERIN I mean, it's not a problem or anything, but -- I'm just a little unclear on what those things are. I thought maybe you'd know. JANE What do I look like, Erin? A library? And Jane walks away with her coffee. EXT. UCLA MAIN LIBRARY - DAY Large. Looming. Very establishment. Through the windows, we see Erin at the desk, talking to a LIBRARIAN. She has the file in her hands. Over this: ROSALIND (O.S.) Masry & Vititoe, can I help you? ERIN (O.S.) Hi, Rosalind, this is Erin. Brockovich. From the file room? I was wondering if you could tell Mr. Masry that I'm following up on that real estate thing out of the office. The librarian gives her directions to somewhere else. EXT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY Smaller, but still establishment. Erin's Hyundai pulls into the parking lot. INT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY Erin is at the reference desk, eating a candy bar while she talks to the LIBRARIAN. He checks something on the computer. A couple of WHITE-COATED MEDICAL STUDENTS pass her, double- taking. They don't see many like her around here. INT. UCLA SCIENCE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY A long, academic hallway lit by fluorescents. Erin gets off an elevator and heads down the hall. She finds a door with a nameplate that reads "Jim Paulsen, Epidemiology" and KNOCKS. The door opens and DR. JIM PAULSEN appears. He's a classic scientist: unruly hair, thick glasses. Nothing like Erin has ever shown up at his door. He reels at the sight of her. ERIN Dr. Paulsen? PAULSEN Yes? ERIN Hi, I'm Erin Brockovich. I was just over in the library there, asking a mess of questions about -- I guess they call it epidemiology? -- and the fella there told me to find you, cause you know all about it. PAULSEN (suspicious) Is this a joke? Did Baxter put you up to this? ERIN Who's Baxter? PAULSEN He did, didn't he? Baxter! BAXTER, another scientist, leans out of a door down the hall. BAXTER Yeah? Baxter and Erin look at each other. No recognition, of course. Paulsen is immediately embarrassed. PAULSEN Oh. Oh. ERIN No one put me up to anything. I was just hoping I could ask you a couple questions. PAULSEN (mortified) Of course! Oh, gosh, of course -- INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY Orderly chaos. Dr. Paulsen, still recovering, has Erin's file in his hands. Erin is sitting across from him. PAULSEN Well, look, there isn't a ton of information here, but from what there is, I'd say that these two people here -- what are their names? Shanna and Ashley? ERIN Right, I guess those are the kids -- PAULSEN They've both got some immune system problem. Can't say what from, whether it's viral or genetic or what, but something's wrong. And these guys -- Donna and Peter -- ERIN Their parents, I'm pretty sure. PAULSEN Well, from what this stuff says, I'd say they both have some form of cancer. Wow. That's more serious than Erin was expecting. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE ON THE FILE on the kitchen counter. The Irvings' phone number is written on the front. A PHONE IS RINGING. ERIN (O.S.) Whoa, whoa! Easy, easy, easy -- WIDEN to see Erin, phone to her ear, grabbing a carton of juice from Matt and Katie, who are fighting over it at the table. Just as she takes it from them, the phone picks up. DONNA'S VOICE (O.S.) Hi! You've reached the Irvings. Leave a message and we'll get back to you just as soon as we can. Bye-bye. BEEP. Erin thinks a bit, then hangs up and looks at the file. Scrawled on the cover is the Irvings' address, in Hinkley, California. EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - DAY The beat-up old Hyundai heads east out of L.A. DISCO MUSIC blares from its speakers. EXT. HINKLEY, CA - DAY This is a dry, desolate part of California. No downtown, no community. Just tract after tract of arid farmland, with small, bland, unprotected ranch home cropping up out of the landscape like occasional tombstones. A beat-up old sign on the road reads: "HINKLEY, CA. POP: " but the corner where the number would be has broken off. As a gust of wind lifts dust from the fields, Erin turns onto Community Boulevard, the main road that cuts through Hinkley. INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - DAY Erin looks around. The house she's passing has been razed. A heap of lumber and wires in the middle of the property. As she checks the piece of paper with Donna's address, she drives by the PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION, a massive gray structure of pipes, chimneys and ladders, set way back from the road. Erin passes it without noticing it. She stops at an intersection. The house on the corner has been boarded up with plywood. Erin notices it -- depressing -- then turns the corner onto Donna's street. EXT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE - DAY A generic ranch home standing all alone in the middle of nothing. There's a pool out back and a chain link fence hugging the property. No landscaping. Dull, but clean. A few BOTTLES OF SPRING WATER wait by the door. The Hyundai pulls into the driveway and stops. Erin gets out. As she heads up to the door, her spike heels sink into the dirt. She rings the bell. It has a melody chime. DONNA IRVING opens the door. She's 35, petite, with a scrappy, high-strung manner. She's wearing tight jeans, and her dark curls are piled on top of her head. ERIN Hi. Donna Irving? DONNA Yes? ERIN I'm Erin Brockovich, from Masry & Vititoe? DONNA (a little surprised) You're a lawyer? ERIN Hell, no. I hate lawyers. I just work for them. You got a minute? INT. THE IRVINGS' HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY The house is furnished with little money, but lots of care. Erin's on a plaid couch, in a sea of needlepoint pillows. Out back, two GIRLS, ages 9 and 11, are playing in a pool. ERIN This is a real nice place you got here. DONNA (O.S.) Well it oughta be, with all the work I put into it. She comes out from the kitchen with a tray of iced tea. DONNA I added air conditioning, put in the pool, made all those pillows by hand ... ERIN Yeah? I should learn to do stuff like that. They make the place feel real homey. Donna corrects the positioning on a couple of pillows. DONNA Thank you. I think so too. That's why I'm being such a stickler on this house price thing. I don't mean to be a pain in PG&E's backside, especially after all they've done for Hinkley, but I look around here and I think, if they want this place, they're gonna have to pay for it. And I don't just mean pay for the house; I'd like them to pay me for the trouble of starting over. ERIN Right. DONNA Cause first you gotta move, then there's decorating, and if the windows aren't the same size, you know -- you're making all new curtains. Honest to God, I don't know if I have the energy. You know, I've been sick. Me and Peter both have. ERIN Yeah, I'm real glad you brought that up. I was going through your file here, and I ran into these medical records. They kinda surprised me -- This would be the perfect opportunity for many to get self- pitying. But not Donna. Life's handed her a shitload of lemons, and darned if she hasn't made a shitload of lemonade. DONNA I know. They're more than a bit unusual. See, two years ago, Pete got Hodgkin's disease. That's a kind of cancer -- ERIN Yeah, I'm real sorry to hear that. DONNA Thank you. It's in remission now, thank the Lord, but you never know. And then while that's going on, I end up having to have a hysterectomy. Plus a whole mess of lumps removed from my breasts. All benign so far, but still, no matter how positive you stay, an operation can still take it out of you. ERIN I'll say. Holy moley. DONNA So the whole idea of selling the house -- don't get me wrong, I'd be glad to move to some better place, but if they aren't gonna pay us properly, I just don't see the point. ERIN Yeah, I can see that. (beat) I guess the only thing that confused me is - - not that your medical problems aren't important, but -- how come the files about them are in with all the real estate stuff? Donna tops off their iced teas. DONNA Are you kidding? With how our lives are, if I start subdividing files, I'll be sunk. I just kept all PG&E correspondence in one place. ERIN Right, but -- I'm sorry, I don't see why you were corresponding with PG&E about it in the first place. DONNA Well, they paid for the doctor's visit. ERIN They did? DONNA You bet. Paid for a check-up for the whole family. And not like with insurance where you pay, then wait a year to be reimbursed, either. They just took care of it. Just like that. We never even saw a bill. ERIN Wow. Why would they do that? DONNA Cause of the chromium. ERIN The what? DONNA The chromium. Well, that's what kicked this whole thing off. INT. IRVING HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY CLOSE ON A BOX, with "CHROM INFO" scrawled on it. DONNA (O.S.) PG&E came around a few years ago, told us they put chromium in our well by mistake. And since we shouldn't have to drink it if we don't want to, they gave us free spring water and offered to buy our house. WIDEN to see Donna pulling the box down into the room. ERIN What's chromium? DONNA It's a chemical they used over at that compressor station up the road there. ERIN Well, hell, maybe that's why you all have been so sick -- DONNA I thought the same thing, right off the bat. That's why we went to see the doctor. But hunh-uh. Turns out one's got nothing to do with the other. She rifles through the box. DONNA This is the info they gave us. You'll see if you look through it, chromium's good for you. When I saw what they charged for it at the health-food stores, I about fainted. She hands Erin a printed fact sheet. Erin scans it. ERIN Seems like an awful big coincidence -- your water being messed with and you being so sick. DONNA Not around here. This is a rough part of the world. Hard times, not a lot of money, not a lot of luck. (beat) It's a challenge, staying healthy in a town like this. Heck, even our dogs up and die. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin's driving away from Donna's house. A street lamp throws light on the box of chromium documents in the passenger seat. She gets to an intersection and looks across the street at the massive COMPRESSOR STATION. Six stories high, lit up like a Christmas tree, with all sizes of PIPES criss-crossing the outside and GIANT COOLING TOWERS sticking up out of it. Far more massive than anything else in town, it looms over the horizon like the Capitol in D.C. or St. Peter's in Rome. Erin takes a long look at the compressor station, then turns onto Community Boulevard and drives away. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin is holding Beth, making her a bottle, when she hears NOISES coming from outside. She follows them. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin opens the door to find George attaching bars to her windows. ERIN What're you doing? GEORGE Better safe than sorry. She shakes her head, amused by his persistence. ERIN You want some coffee, George? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT George follows Erin in. GEORGE I'm gonna put a dead bolt on your front door, too. This isn't exactly the safest neighborhood in the world, you know. ERIN Thanks for reminding me. GEORGE I guess we get what we pay for, huh? Erin pours him some coffee, hands it to him. ERIN You think it could make you sick, living in a place like this? GEORGE What do you mean? George settles in, helps himself to sugar. ERIN I was talking to this lady -- she and her husband both got cancer, and she thinks it's cause they live in a bad neighborhood. You think that's possible? That living in a bad neighborhood could give you cancer? George laughs a little at the thought. GEORGE Man, I hope not. You got enough damn problems. But Erin's still mulling it over. EXT. NORTHRIDGE, ERIN'S BLOCK - DAY Erin clips down the block in short-shorts and high-heeled boots. Up ahead a few of DOWN-ON-THEIR-LUCK MEN are out on a stoop, drinking their breakfast. Erin approaches them. ERIN Hi, y'all -- how you doing today? MAN 1 Hangin' in, baby. How about yourself? ERIN I'm okay, I'm just fine. I was wondering -- could I maybe ask you a couple questions? She settles down on the stoop with them for a chat. INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY Dr. Paulsen and Erin are sitting, talking. He's thrilled to have her back in his office. ERIN ... and when I realized our area's just as bad as Hinkley, I thought maybe my neighbors are all sick too. So I went and asked. PAULSEN (surprised) You did? Erin digs a pad of paper out of her bag. ERIN Uh-huh. Spent the last few days knocking on doors. And you know what? They're not. (reads from the pad) I mean, they got problems, but none of this cancer stuff. And their pets are fine. So I don't know -- I just can't shake the feeling that it wasn't no multivitamin they put in the water. PAULSEN Well, if you're talking about contamination, you're getting out of my area of expertise. Let me give you the name of a toxicologist friend of mine over at USC. Paulsen reaches for a notepad, scrawls on it. INT. UCLA MEDICAL BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Paulsen is seeing Erin out of his office. PAULSEN I gotta say, Erin -- first time I saw you, I did not peg you as the kind to go off and conduct her own epidemiological study. ERIN Don't go telling anyone. It'll ruin my reputation. EXT. USC CAMPUS - DAY Erin towers over DAVID FRANKEL as she walks across campus with him. He's the grittier variety of scientist: Patagonia, Birkenstocks, bushy beard. He's as dry as dust, and as much as Dr. Paulsen responded to Erin, Frankel barely notices her. FRANKEL What kind of chromium is it? ERIN There's more than one kind? FRANKEL Yes. There's straight-up chromium -- does all kinds of good things for the body. There's chrom 3, which is fairly benign, and then there's chrom 6, hexavalent chromium, which, depending on the amounts, can be very harmful. ERIN Harmful, like -- how? What would you get? FRANKEL With repeated exposure to toxic levels -- God, anything, really -- respiratory disease, liver failure, heart failure, reproductive failure, chronic headaches, bone or organ deterioration -- plus, of course, any type of cancer. He rattles it off coolly. Just facts. Erin's stunned. ERIN So that stuff -- it kills people. FRANKEL Oh, yeah. Definitely. Highly toxic, highly carcinogenic. Bad, bad stuff. ERIN Well, how do I find out what kind of chromium is up in Hinkley? FRANKEL Have you been to the water board? ERIN Hunh-uh. What's that? FRANKEL Every county has one. They keep records of anything water-related within their jurisdiction. You should be able to find something there. ERIN County water board. All righty, thanks. FRANKEL Good luck. (beat) Oh -- I wouldn't advertise what you're looking for if I were you ... His line continues over: EXT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL WATER BOARD - DAY Erin's Hyundai pulls up and stops in a cloud of dust. FRANKEL (O.S.) ... Incriminating records have a way of disappearing when people smell trouble. Erin hops out, checks her reflection in the side-view mirror, then heads into the building. INT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL COUNTY WATER BOARD - DAY Drab, government-issue. ROSS, the bored desk clerk is thumbing his way through ROAD & TRACK. Just as he stops to stare at a motor oil ad in which a buxom blonde is straddling the hood of a car, the huge door opens and Erin enters. ERIN Whew! Goddamn, that's a heavy door. Ross looks up. It's like the girl from the ad walked right off the page. He jumps up, to help her with the door. ROSS Oh, hey -- lemme give you a hand there. ERIN Thank you very much. Aren't you a gentleman? Mr. ... ROSS Ross. ERIN Ross. Real pleased to meet you. I'm Erin. She smiles. He can't believe his luck. ROSS Erin. Cool. What can I do for you, Erin? ERIN Well, believe it or not, I am on the prowl for some water records. ROSS (with a laugh) You come to the right place. ERIN (laughing along) I guess I did. ROSS You just tell me what you want to look at and I'll be glad to dig 'em out for you. ERIN I wish I knew. It's for my boss. He's fighting his water bill, and he wants me to find all manner of bills from all kinds of places. The easiest thing would probably be if I just squeezed back there with you and poked around myself. Would that be okay? ROSS Heck, yeah. Come on back. Just gonna need you to sign in here -- He hands her a pen. He reads over her shoulder as she signs her name -- Erin Pattee Brockovich. ROSS Pattee? That your middle name? ERIN Nope. Maiden. ROSS (disappointed) You're married. ERIN Not anymore. She smiles and winks at him, then goes around the counter with him and looks at the stacks and stacks of files. ERIN Well. Here goes nothing. She heads down an aisle, reading the spines of the files. They're all town names -- Barstow, Victorville, Oro Grande, Helendale -- in no particular order. Finally, Erin spots one that says Hinkley. She pulls it down. IN THE FILE are pages and pages of Xeroxed memoranda, letters, charts, graphs, handwritten notes. All shoved in willy-nilly. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY George is watching a football game on TV. He's just put TV dinners on the floor in front of the Matt and Katie. MATT Our mom gives us sandwiches on Fridays. GEORGE That's a sandwich. KATIE No, it's not! GEORGE Sure it is. Here, I'll show you. He picks up Matt's chicken, tears it in two ... GEORGE Most people think a sandwich's gotta have bread on the outside. Not true. Chicken is a perfectly good outside for a sandwich. ... then places the broccoli neatly between the halves. GEORGE See? Katie and Matthew look at it, then up at George, and smile. This guy just might be all right, after all. EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT It's gotten dark. Erin's Hyundai's still there. INT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT Erin is on the floor, her legs stretched out in front of her. She has a bunch of files open and spread across the floor. The one in her hand has caught her attention. INSERT ON THE PAPER It's a memo titled "CLEAN-UP AND ABATEMENT ORDER" from the water board to PG&E. Erin is concentrating hard on it, reading laboriously to herself. ERIN (O.S.) "... On December 7, 1987, the discharger notified the regional board and the San Bernardino County Environmental Health Services of the discovery of 0.58 ppm of hexavalent chromium in an on-site ground water monitoring well ..." (beat) ... hexavalent ... INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY CLOSE ON A XEROX OF THE ABATEMENT ORDER. WIDEN to see it is on top of a stack of papers that Erin is carrying as she enters the office. She has an efficient air about her -- a sense of purpose. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY Erin swoops in, ready to work, only to find her desk cleared off. She turns to Anna, who's already hard at work. ERIN Where's my stuff? Anna looks up. ANNA Where've you been? ERIN What the fuck did you do with my stuff? ANNA Don't use language with me -- But Erin's out the door before Anna can finish her sentence. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY JANE is at her desk. Erin barrels in. ERIN Someone stole my stuff. JANE Nice to see you, Erin. We've missed you. ERIN I had photos of my kids, plus a mug -- Jane reaches under her desk for a box, looks through it. JANE -- toothbrush, toothpaste, and a pair of hose. Here. ERIN What's going on? JANE There may be jobs where you can disappear for days at a time, but this isn't one of them. Here, if you don't do the work, you don't get to stay. She hands her the box. Erin doesn't take it. ERIN I've been working. Shit, that's all I've been doing. Ask Mr. Masry. He knows. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed's at his desk, dialing the phone when Erin barrels in. ERIN You said to fire me? He sets down the receiver. ED Erin, you've been gone for a week. ERIN I left a message. I've been dealing with that real estate thing. I was gonna write up a whole damn report and -- ED That's not how we work here. You don't just leave a message and take off. Jane follows her in, still carrying the box of stuff. ERIN What am I supposed to do, check in every two seconds? JANE Yes. It's called accountability. ERIN I am not talking to you, bitch. JANE Excuse me? ED Okay, enough -- (beat) Now, look, Erin -- this incident aside, I don't think this is the right place for you. So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on your behalf. Find you something else, okay? ERIN Don't bother. She turns to Jane, takes her box, and heads out. ED Come on, I'm trying to help here. ERIN Bullshit. You're trying to feel less guilty about firing someone with three kids to feed. Fuck if I'll help you do that. And she leaves. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY As Erin heads for the door, pleased glances fly from secretary to secretary. Erin reaches the door, but can't open it with the box in her arms. She turns to the room. ERIN I don't suppose any one of you cunts could open the fucking door for me. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin's Hyundai rumbles to a stop in front of the house. Erin shoves open the creaky, reluctant door, lifts her box of stuff off the seat, and gets out. As she walks around the car and toward the house, she runs into the MAILMAN. He hands her a packet of mail. MAILMAN Here ya go, Miz Brockovich. Erin looks at the top of the stack. It's the electric bill. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Erin enters, puts down the box and stares at the mail. Bills, bills, and more bills. As she throws them on the table, she sees George coming out of the kitchen. ERIN What are you doing here? GEORGE Fixing a leak under your sink. She heads into the kitchen, weary and irritated. ERIN I didn't ask you to do that. Damn it, George, I don't ask you to do things like that. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin enters, sees all the cleaning stuff from under the sink is spread around the kitchen floor. A tool box lies open. ERIN Great. GEORGE I'm gonna clean it up. Erin gets down on her knees and starts putting things away. GEORGE Relax, Erin, I'll do it -- I'm not -- Before he can finish, a huge WATER BUG runs onto Erin's hand. ERIN Ugh -- Jesus -- She jumps and brushes it off. GEORGE Yeah -- you had a whole family of those things hanging out back there. She takes off her shoe and smacks at the bug, missing it. ERIN Damn it -- The bug skitters away from her, along the floorboard. Erin chases it, smacking at it repeatedly, missing it every time. GEORGE Don't worry about it, I'll get it later. But Erin keeps after it, corralling all her frustrations into killing that one bug. ERIN Come here, you little motherfucker -- The bug crawls up onto the table, zipping behind the salt, the pepper, the napkin holder. Erin keeps after it, BANGING the table harder and harder with each SMACK of her shoe. GEORGE Hey, whoa -- relax -- The salt and pepper skid off the table. The napkins fly from their holder. Just as Erin's about to nail the bug, it slips into a crack in the wall and disappears. Erin hurls her shoe at the crack. It SMASHES into the wall. ERIN GOD DAMN IT! As Erin stands there staring at the wall, her breath starts to come heavily -- those deep breaths that precede tears. She slowly slides down into a chair, defeat overcoming her. ERIN (almost a whisper) ... God damn it. She looks around at her for-shit kitchen and starts to cry. ERIN What kind of person lives like this? Huh? What kind of person lets her kids run around in a house crawling with bugs the size of housecats? GEORGE It's a simple thing. Everybody gets them. All we gotta do is call an exterminator. ERIN I can't call an exterminator. I can't afford one. God, I can't even afford my phone. (beat) I got fired. GEORGE What? But you been working so hard -- ERIN Doesn't matter. Doesn't make one bit of difference. (then, fragile) Oh God, George, how'd this happen to me? How'd I end up so ... so nothing? George picks a napkin up off the floor, hands it to her. GEORGE You're not nothing, Erin. ERIN Well, I'm sure as hell not what I thought I was gonna be. I was supposed to have one of those great lives, with everything all laid- out and perfect. I mean, hell -- I was Miss Wichita, for God's sakes. Did I tell you that? You live next door to a real live beauty queen. (wipes her nose) I still got the tiara. I kept it cause I thought it meant something. I thought it meant I was gonna do something great with my life. I thought it proved I was gonna grow up to be someone. GEORGE You are someone. ERIN No I'm not. Look at me. I'm not. GEORGE You're someone to me. (beat) You're someone real special to me. He takes a step toward her and kneels in front of her, very close. He takes her shoe from her hand and puts it back on her foot. Then he takes her hands in his and kisses them. ERIN I'm no good, George. I make people miserable. But he kisses her anyway. And for the first time in so long, she feels like something other than a failure. He pulls her into him, and she lets herself be pulled. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY Erin and George are in bed, naked, curled around each other. GEORGE Man. Even your earlobes are beautiful. He kisses one. ERIN Don't be too nice to me, okay? It makes me nervous. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is at his desk. The PHONE RINGS. And RINGS. And RINGS. ED Brenda! (no answer) BRENDA! Nothing. Ed growls in frustration, then gets the phone. ED Yeah, Ed Masry here ... She doesn't work here anymore. Who's this? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE ON THE TABLE, where Beth is bobbing in her baby chair. On one side of her is a heap of bills with "PAST DUE" and "PLEASE REMIT" stamped on them. On the other, the well- thumbed CLASSIFIED SECTION, with circles and X's all over it. The DOORBELL rings. Erin swoops in and picks up Beth. ERIN Come on, baby. Maybe that's Ed McMahon. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY Erin carries Beth over to the front door, spies through the peephole, and sees Ed standing there. She opens the door. ERIN What are you doing here? ED I got an interesting call this afternoon. It was from a Dr. Frankel. ERIN Oh, yeah? ED He wanted you to know the legal limit for hexavalent chromium, is .05 parts per million. And that at the rate you mentioned, .58, it could be responsible for the cancers in that family you asked about. The Irvings. ERIN Well, that was nice of him. Isn't it funny how some people go out of their way to help people and others just give 'em the ax? ED Look, I'm sorry. You were gone. I just assumed you were off having fun. ERIN Now, why in the hell would you assume that? ED I don't know. Maybe cause you look like someone who has a lot of fun. ERIN Boy, are you ever a shitty judge of people. Ed takes a beat, copping to the charge. ED So what's the story on this thing? This cancer stuff? ERIN You wanna know, you gotta hire me back. I got a lot of bills to pay. He glares at her. Realizes he has no choice. ED Fine. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER Erin has let Ed in. They're sitting. ED But, PG&E told her about the chromium? ERIN They told her something, but it can't have been too specific, cause I talked to her, and she sure didn't think her water was bad. ED So what made you think it was? ERIN It doesn't take a genius to look at those medical records and think something's wrong. ED What medical records? ERIN The ones in the box of files. (off Ed's blank look) The box of files? The one from your office? ED I didn't see any medical records in there. ERIN Boy, you musta really fine-tooth-combed it then, huh? (to herself) And you fired me. Jesus. Ed thinks for a moment. ED That document you found, the one that says it was the bad chromium -- you didn't happen to make a copy did you? ERIN Course I did. ED Lemme see it, will you? Before getting it for him, she looks at him, weighs her odds. ERIN I want a raise. And benefits. Including dental. ED Look, Erin, this is not the way I do business, this extortion nonsense. Erin doesn't budge. ED Okay. A 5% raise, and -- ERIN Ten. (off his look) There's a lot of other places I could work. ED A ten percent raise and benefits. But that's it. I'm drawing the line. She goes to her box of stuff from the office and digs out the document for him. He scans it. ED This is the only thing you found? ERIN So far. But that place is a pig sty. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more. ED Find out. EXT. 10 FREEWAY - DAY Erin's Hyundai zips along the freeway. "Funky Town" is blaring from the tinny stereo. Over it: MATTHEW (O.S.) I hate this music. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin's driving. Matthew's in the front seat. Katie and Beth (in a car seat) are in the back. ERIN There's no way a son of mine hates Funky Town. It's impossible. MATTHEW Well I hate it. KATIE I hate it too. I hate this trip. ERIN Oh, come on, where's your sense of adventure? We're going someplace you never been before. KATIE I'm gonna hate it. MATTHEW Me too. She glances at them, frowns a little. ERIN You know what I'm realizing for the first time? You kids are a couple of downers. I mean, you are the real thing -- a couple of honest-to-God depresso-types. (small smile) Who in the heck raised you, anyway? Some kind of moron? Katie smiles a little. She likes this side of her mom. KATIE Yeah. A real moron. ERIN Some kind of half-wit, no-good, big-haired, bimbo, I bet. MATTHEW (also smiling) Yeah. ERIN Thank God we got you away from her, huh? By now they're all smiling. Funky Town plays on. EXT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY The Hyundai is parked at the entrance to the station, by a row of dead trees. Erin is standing beside a sign that says "Private Property. No Trespassing", taking pictures of the massive structure in the distance. Matthew, Katie, and Beth are drawing in the dirt with sticks. ERIN Stay out of the road. I'll be right back. She wanders up the drive, onto PG&E property, moving around the plant, taking pictures of it from every possible angle. As she wanders over a big, flat, dry field to the side of the plant, she glances over her shoulder to check on her kids and notices the trail she made in the dirt has a greenish hue. She looks at the dirt right her feet. Kicks the ground. Below the surface, the dirt turns from brown to green. Erin notes this, then looks back at her kids playing in the dirt. Worry comes over her face. She heads back to them. EXT. HINKLEY MART - DAY The kids are waiting at the car. Erin comes out of the store with a bottle of water and uses it to rinse off their hands. EXT. WATER BOARD - DAY The sound of a BABY CRYING. The Hyundai's parked in front. MATTHEW (O.S.) I'm hungry. INT. WATER BOARD - DAY Erin is at the Xerox machine, copying a file while she tries to calm Beth. There's a stack of files on the nearby table. Matthew and Katie are flopping around on the floor. ERIN We'll go eat in a minute. Settle down. Whining, fussing. Ross goes over to her. ROSS You know what, Erin? I got nothing but time here. Why don't you let me do that for you, and you can get your kids some dinner. ERIN Ross -- you are an absolute angel. She hands Ross the STACK OF DOCUMENTS. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY Ed comes in in the morning, and without pausing, hands Brenda a copy of the STACK OF DOCUMENTS, with a Post-it on the top. ED Fax these to this number, okay? BRENDA All of 'em? ED All of them. He continues into his office and closes the door. CLOSE ON THE FAX MACHINE LED Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up on the LED: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. INT. IRVING HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Another copy of those DOCUMENTS, now in Donna's hands. She's on her couch with Erin, reading them. Outside, Donna's two daughters are playing in the pool. She reads the last page and looks up at Erin, bewildered. DONNA An on-site monitoring well? That means -- ERIN It was right up on the PG&E property over there. DONNA And you say this stuff, this hexavalent chromium -- it's poisonous? ERIN Yeah. DONNA Well -- then it's gotta be a different than what's in our water, cause ours is okay. The guys from PG&E told me. They sat right in the kitchen and said it was fine. ERIN I know. But the toxicologist I been talking to? He gave me a list of problems that can come from hexavalent chromium exposure. And everything you all have is on that list. Donna resists this idea hard. DONNA No. Hunh-uh, see, that's not what the doctor said. He said one's got absolutely nothing to do with the other. ERIN Right, but -- didn't you say he was paid by PG&E? Donna sits quietly, trying to make sense of this. The only sound is the LAUGHING and SPLASHING from the pool out back. Then, gradually, Donna realizes what it is she's hearing -- her kids playing in toxic water. She jumps up ... DONNA ASHLEY! SHANNA! ... and runs out to the pool. Erin follows her. EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY From the door, Erin watches Donna run to the edge of the pool in a frantic response to this news. DONNA OUT OF THE POOL! BOTH OF YOU, OUT OF THE POOL, RIGHT NOW! SHANNA How come? DONNA CAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY, NOW GET OUT! OUT! NOW!!! Erin watches compassionately as Donna flails to get her kids out of the contaminated water. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY It's morning. Ed is checking the lie of his tie in his reflection in the window. Erin is on his couch, high-heeled legs stretched out in front of her. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - CONTINUOUS Jane is delivering paychecks. When Brenda gets to her desk, Jane tips her head toward Ed's office, as if to say, check it out. Brenda peers in and sees Erin. BRENDA What's she doing here? JANE He hired her back. With a raise. BRENDA What?? Why? JANE Well, let's see. It's not cause she's smart, and it's not cause she's professional. That leaves ... Brenda's stunned. Takes a beat. Makes assumptions. BRENDA And dumb old me thought working hard and being loyal was the way to get ahead. INT. ED'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Ed is still checking his reflection. ED I'm telling you, the minute Brenda sent the fax -- I'm talking the second she pressed that send button -- PG&E claims department is on the phone to me, scheduling a meeting. ERIN So you think we got 'em scared? ED It sure as hell sounded like they were sitting up and taking notice. Brenda pops her head in, ignores Erin. BRENDA David Baum from PG&E is at reception. Erin feels the chill Brenda's sending her way. ERIN Nice to see you again, too, Brenda. Brenda leaves without acknowledging Erin. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Ed and Erin come out and see DAVID BAUM waiting at reception. Forget law school, this kid looks like he's just out of twelfth grade. Not a hair on his chin. His suit and shoes look brand new. ERIN Not to question your judgment or anything, Mr. Masry, but -- that doesn't exactly look like sitting up and taking notice to me. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ed and Erin are seated across the table from Baum. To say this kid lacks authority is a gross understatement. He doesn't talk; he squeaks. BAUM ... in the interest of putting this whole thing to rest, PG&E is willing to offer the Irvings 250,000 dollars for their home. Ed laughs a little in disbelief. ED 250,000? BAUM In terms of land value out in Hinkley, Mr. Masry, we feel it's a more than fair price. ED What about in terms of medical expenses? 250,000 doesn't come close to what this family's gonna have to spend on doctors. BAUM I understand they've had a bad run of luck, health-wise, and they have my sympathies. But that's not PG&E's fault. ED You're kidding, right? (Baum doesn't answer) Look at these readings for Christ's sake. PG&E's own technicians documented toxic levels of hexavalent chromium in those test wells, on numerous occasions. Ed shoves them across the table. Baum doesn't look at them. ED Everything the Irvings have had is a proven reaction to exposure to hexavalent chromium. They've had ... He stalls a moment. Erin jumps in. ERIN -- breast cysts, uterine cancer, Hodgkin's disease, immune deficiencies, asthma, chronic nosebleeds. Despite their persuasiveness, Baum parrots what is obviously the party line: BAUM A million things could have caused those problems. Poor diet, bad genes, irresponsible lifestyle. Our offer is final and more than fair. ED Wait a minute -- I thought we were negotiating here. BAUM 250,000 is all I'm authorized to offer. Ed looks across at this pissant little kid. ED (to himself) Jesus Christ. (he stands, to leave) I will present your offer to my clients. I doubt they'll accept it. As Ed starts out: BAUM Mr. Masry, before you go off on some crusade, you might want to remember who it is you're dealing with here. PG&E is a 28- billion dollar corporation. ED (containing his anger) Thanks. I'll keep it in mind. And Ed leaves the conference room. Erin follows him out. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Erin follows Ed as he stomps back to his office. ERIN At least they made an offer. ED That wasn't an offer. A million would've been an offer. When they send the God damn mail clerk down to jerk me off, waste my time, it's a fuck you. ERIN I don't get why they'd do that. ED Because they can. You heard that kid -- they have 28 billion dollars at their disposal. They can afford to waste all the time in the world. ERIN And you can't? ED What, you think I'm made of money? Behind them, Baum steps out of the conference room. BAUM Hey, you know where I can get a cab? My plane leaves Burbank in forty-five minutes. Ed turns and looks at him. He gets a tiny smile. ED Tell you what, why don't you go on over to reception, tell them I said Mario should take you to the airport. BAUM Hey, excellent. Thanks. Baum heads out to the reception area. ERIN Mr. Masry, Mario gets lost going to the bathroom. They'll be driving around the valley for hours. ED (gleeful) Yeah. Isn't that a shame? She watches him go into his office, impressed. Big smile. ERIN Well I'll be God damned. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT End of the day. Most everyone has left. Erin is at her new work space near Ed's office. She's poring over a fat file of documents. ROSALIND wanders by with her coat on. ROSALIND You've been reading for hours. ERIN I'm a slow reader, on account of the fact that I look at the word "dog" and see "god". ROSALIND Hey, just so long as you see Him. Rosalind turns on Erin's desk lamp and heads out. Outside the big glass office doors, Rosalind stops to talk to a lost-looking COUPLE IN THEIR MID-30's. These are MANDY and TOM BROWN. He's a security guard uniform, with an envelope under his arm. Rosalind points to Erin. The Browns enter the office and approach her. MANDY Excuse me, are you Erin Brockovich? ERIN Yeah. Who are you? TOM I'm Tom Brown. This is my wife Mandy. We used to live across the street from the Irvings. PG&E bought our house last year. INT. ERIN'S DESK - LATER CLOSE ON photos of chickens, each with a twisted, limp neck. TOM It's called wry neck. It's when they're born without any muscles in the neck. WIDEN to see Erin looking at them with Tom and Mandy. ERIN Wow. How many were born like this? TOM Twelve, maybe thirteen. MANDY When Donna told us about you, and what you told her about the chromium, we figured that might have something to do with this, too. ERIN It sure could, yeah. Thanks a lot. She tucks them into a file, as if that's it. MANDY There's something else, too. ERIN What? TOM Well. Mandy here's had nine miscarriages. ERIN Are you kidding? My God -- MANDY I know. It's an awful lot. ERIN I'm surprised Donna didn't say anything. TOM She doesn't know. No one does. It's not something you want to talk about, you know? MANDY I figured it musta been something I did, like when I smoked marijuana, maybe. Or took birth control pills. But then Donna told me you thought this chromium might be to blame for her problems, so I figured ... INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Matt and Katie are in bed, with the light off. Erin comes in, quietly, in clothes from work. ERIN Hey. You guys still awake? CLOSE ON MATT AND KATIE. They're awake and pissed. ERIN Come on, now. No faking. George told me he just shut out the light a few seconds ago. They still don't answer. She comes in and sits on a bed. ERIN Look, I know you're mad. But the way this job is, things come up at the last minute, real important things, and I gotta deal with them. Now I don't like me missing dinner any more than you do, but we're all gonna have to get used to it, cause the fact is, it's gonna happen sometimes. KATIE It happens all the time. ERIN That's not true; we had dinner together just last night. MATT You were reading the whole time. He's got a point there. Erin feels like shit. ERIN I'm sorry, pumpkins. I'll try a whole lot harder to be around, okay? I promise. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT The room is dark. Erin enters and flops down onto the bed, exhausted. George is lying on the bed next to her. GEORGE If it's any consolation, I love you. EXT. ROUTE 10, INLAND EMPIRE - DAY Dry, flat California. Ed's big old Mercedes is toodling down the freeway, at an overly safe, almost-geriatric speed. INT. ED'S MERCEDES - DAY Frank Sinatra is playing on the stereo. Ed is swaying in time. This is his kind of music. He smiles, looks at Erin. ED It's Sinatra's world, we just live in it. Whatever. Erin glances at the speedometer. Oy. So slow. His car phone rings. He picks it up. ED Hello? ... (his voice softens) Hi, babys. Baby's fine. Yes, I did. I did, too, you just didn't feel it. He starts swerving across the lane markers. THWACK THWACK THWACK. Ed doesn't notice. Erin's getting nervous. ED You think I could leave without kissing my babys? Okay, here you go. He kisses into the phone. Swerves. A car barely misses them. Erin's eyes widen. Not fun at all. ED Bye-bye ... bye-bye ... no, you. Okay, together. Bye-bye. He finally hangs up, smiling to himself. Erin clears her throat. ERIN Um -- you mind pulling over? Just -- for a second? EXT. FREEWAY - DAY The Mercedes pulls to a stop on the shoulder. Erin gets out, walks around to the driver's side. Opens the door. ERIN First of all, don't talk baby talk to your wife in front of me. It really undermines your authority. And second, I know you're my boss and all, but you are the worst fucking driver I've ever seen. Move over or I quit. He moves over. She gets in, turns off the Sinatra. They pull back out onto the freeway in silence. EXT. MANDY BROWN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Mercedes and a truck are parked out front. PETE (O.S.) There's something about this whole thing I don't quite understand, Mr. Masry. INT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Donna and Pete Irving, and Mandy and Roy Brown are all seated, sipping iced tea. While they talk, Erin hands them all information packets on chromium. Ed is standing in front of them, a little stiff. PETE If PG&E messed with our water, why would they bother saying anything about it to us? Why not just keep quiet about it? ED To establish a statute of limitations. See, in a case like this, you only have a year from the time you first learn about the problem to file suit. So PG&E figures, we'll let the cat out of the bag -- tell the people the water's not perfect; if we can ride out the year with no one suing, we'll be in the clear forever. DONNA But it was more than a year ago that they told us -- ED It's okay. We're not suing. All we're doing is using this information to get you a real nice purchase price on your house, and get you two -- (to the Browns) -- a comparable retroactive bonus added to your sale price. This way, and PG&E can still look good to their shareholders, cause they're not involved in an ugly lawsuit; all they're doing is buying a little property. Roy looks up from his retainer agreement. ROY It doesn't say here how much this whole thing's gonna cost us. ED My fee's forty percent of whatever you get awarded. Erin watches them look around at each other, stunned by the figure. ERIN Boy, do I know how you feel. First time I heard that number, I said you got to be kidding me. Forty God damn percent? ED Erin -- ERIN I'm the one who's injured, and this joker who sits at a desk all day is gonna walk away with almost half my reward? ED Erin -- Erin's enjoying Ed's discomfort almost too much to stop. But just almost. She shifts gears. ERIN Then I asked him how much he makes if I didn't get anything. They look at Ed. Well? ED Then I don't get anything either. ERIN And I realized, he's taking a chance too. When they hear this, and realize he's in it with them, they all reach for their pens and sign. They hand the agreements over to Erin, who takes them across the room to Ed. He stuffs them in his briefcase and closes it up. That's that. ED All right, then. Let's hit the road. Boy. Cold as ice. Erin stares at him, stunned by his brusque manner, then leans in to him, close. ERIN (whispering) Mr. Masry, if you don't mind my saying, you got a lot to learn about being friendly. These people just hired you as their lawyer. The least you could do is make a little pleasant conversation. She gives him a stern look, then turns toward the women. ERIN Donna, let me help you clean all this up. She picks up a tray of iced tea and cookies and heads to the kitchen. Donna and Mandy follow, leaving Ed alone with Pete and Roy. He stands there, awkwardly. Then, finally: ED So, what's, uh ... what's new? INT. DONNA'S KITCHEN - DAY Erin and Donna are putting away the cleaned glasses. Mandy is scanning the chromium pamphlet Erin gave her. MANDY You know that thing it says in here about rashes? ERIN Uh-huh? MANDY Well, this old neighbor of mine, Bob Linwood -- he ran the dairy on Community -- seemed like someone in his family always had a rash somewhere or other. I just figured it was something in the genes. And you know how it is -- you don't like to ask about things like that ... Erin listens, interested. EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY, BARN - DAY Another day. BOB LINWOOD, 40's and gruff, is in the barn, tossing hay around. ERIN (O.S.) Excuse me. Are you Mr. Linwood? He sees Erin picking her way toward him in her high-heels. LINWOOD Yeah? ERIN I'm Erin Brockovich. I work at the law firm that represents your former neighbors the Browns. They suggested I give you a call. She steps in a cow patty. Laughs at herself good-naturedly. ERIN Boy howdy, did I ever wear the wrong shoes. EXT. THE DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY CLOSE ON A SIGN that reads: THE DESOTOS, hanging on the side of a small, paint-chipped house. Erin is at the door talking to MARY DESOTO, 65, who's wearing a big cross at her breast. ERIN ... and Mr. Linwood seemed to think that your husband had been sick as well. MARY Yes, Mr. DeSoto has lung cancer. Never smoked a day in his life, neither. INT. LAURA AND MIKE AMBROSINO'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin is talking to MIKE and LAURA AMBROSINO -- 30's. Solid, family folks. But Laura's left brow and cheekbone look swollen and misshapen, and she's trying to hide the fact that she's in a lot of pain. ERIN Mrs. DeSoto said she wasn't sure exactly what it was that you had -- PETE She's not alone on that one. LAURA Well, they know what it is -- it's called fibrous dysplasia -- PETE The bones start growing again. Gives her headaches like you wouldn't believe. LAURA -- they just don't know what caused it. INT. RITA AND TED DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Erin is talking to TED AND RITA DANIELS. Their daughter ANNABELLE, 10, is sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. ERIN ... then Mike Ambrosino remembered seeing you folks at the hospital from time to time too, so I thought I'd just stop by. (to Annabelle) You must be Annabelle. ANNABELLE Uh-huh. ERIN Whew, are you ever a beauty. I mean, you must drive those boys crazy. Annabelle smiles a little. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Late night. George rolls over -- Erin's side of the bed is empty. He checks the clock, then gets up and heads into: INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - NIGHT He peers around and spots her, sitting in the little kid's chair in Matthew and Katie's room. Erin is holding Beth, watching Matt and Katie sleep. Erin hears the floor creak as George steps into the doorway. ERIN Tell me something, George. What kind of God lets a beautiful little 10-year-old girl get brain cancer? Isn't He supposed to be in charge of stuff like that? Make sure it doesn't happen? (beat) I swear, any other job, He'd be fired. EXT. VALLEY SIDEWALK - DAY Ed and Erin are walking down the street, take-out coffee cups in their hands. Ed is sipping his, but Erin is in too much of a lather to drink hers. ED Hunh-uh. Absolutely not. ERIN That's crazy -- why not? ED Because I said no. Look -- the only reason PG&E's even talking to us is cause this is a quiet little real estate dispute. We add plaintiffs, and suddenly we're in the middle of a toxic tort -- with a statute problem -- against a massive utility. No, thank you. They go into their office building. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY Erin and Ed are riding up. ERIN Okay, so here's what I'll do. I'll go on up to Ted and Rita Daniels -- two of the nicest people you'd ever hope to meet, who spend every single day watching their little girl fight like a dog against this cancer -- I'll tell them we can't help them cause you don't feel like working that hard. ED It's not about working hard -- ERIN Bullshit. ED -- It's about being realistic. Something like this, Erin -- it could take forever. They're a huge corporation. They'd completely bury us in paperwork. I'm just one guy with a shitty little P.I. firm. ERIN -- who happens to know they poisoned people and lied about it. The doors open. Ed gets off. Erin follows. INT. MASRY LAW OFFICE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Erin's dogging Ed down the hall, to the office. ERIN And this shit is bad news, Mr. Masry. Not only does it attack every organ of the body, it fucks with your DNA, too. That means these people's genes, and the genes of their kids, and the genes of their grandkids -- ED I know how DNA works, Erin -- He gets to the Masry & Vititoe doors. Opens them. INT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY Erin tails Ed back to his office. ERIN We can get these people. With a little effort, I really think we can nail their asses to the wall. ED Oh, you do? With all your legal expertise, you believe that? ERIN Okay, fine. I don't know shit about shit. But I know the difference -- He shuts his office door on her. ERIN -- BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG! INT. ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed goes over to his desk, sits down. He sees a stack of messages there, starts flipping through them. Then he stops. ED Damn it. He shoves the messages aside and puts his head in his hands. He sits like that for a moment, GROANS to himself. Then he pushes himself up and heads over to his door. When he opens it, he finds Erin still standing there, exactly where he left her, arms crossed. She hasn't budged. ED How many families we talking about here? ERIN Four more. Eleven people. So far. ED You think there's more? ERIN Well -- I found one document at the water board that had a toxic test well reading from 1967. A hell of a lot of people have lived on that land since then. Ed pauses, groans again, realizing what decision he's making. ED This is a whole different ball game, Erin. A much bigger deal. ERIN Kinda like David and what's-his-name? ED Kinda like David and what's-his-name's whole fucking family. (heavy sigh) Okay, here's the deal -- if, and only if, you find me the evidence to back all this up -- I'll do it. I'll take it on. She smiles victoriously. ERIN You're doing the right thing, Mr. Masry. ED Yeah, yeah. Remind me of that when I'm filing for bankruptcy. He heads back to his desk. Erin follows him into his office. ERIN Course, gathering evidence -- now, that's a big job. A hell of a lot bigger than just filing. I'm gonna be working a lot harder now, taking on a lot more responsibility ... He gives her a look. Knows what's coming. ED What now? ERIN Another raise wouldn't hurt. And with all the time I'm gonna be spending on the road, I'll probably be needing my own cel phone, won't I? INT. TOYS 'R' US - DAY CLOSE ON A BEEPING CEL PHONE as Erin tries to program numbers into its speed dial. WIDEN to see she is reading from the phone's manual as she enters Toys 'R' Us with George, Matthew, Katie and Beth. ERIN You each can pick out four things. But nothing huge. Look at the price. Nothing crazy. Matthew and Katie fan out into the store. Erin keeps messing with the phone. GEORGE You can buy 'em all the toys you want, but come Monday, when you split again, they're still gonna be pissed. Erin looks over at him, weary. ERIN George, I am just trying to do something nice for my kids on my one day off. Could you please not give me a hard time about it? GEORGE One toy per kid is doing something nice. Four is ... something else. ERIN Well, hell, I guess that's it, then, huh? They're scarred for life. They're gonna start holding up 7-11's any day now. GEORGE I'm just saying -- ERIN (with intensity) I know what you're saying, and I don't wanna hear it. I am doing the best I can. And she walks away from him. EXT. HINKLEY, ROADSIDE DITCH - DAY Erin, in high heels and miniskirt, is straddling a ditch, scooping clumps of gunky moss from the ditch into plastic containers. Over this: ERIN (O.S.) Dr. Frankel, it's Erin Brockovich. Tell me something: if I wanna find as much evidence of hexavalent chromium contamination as I possibly can, what should I do? As Erin labels the containers, her heels slide down the side of the ditch, and she lands smack in it, knee-deep in gunk. EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - NIGHT Erin, now completely dirty, is climbing over a fence marked "No Trespassing". Her arms are full of more containers. FRANKEL (O.S.) Well, what you have to remember is, if you have hex chrom in the water, you have it in anything that lived off the water. She adds them to a growing collection of containers in the trunk of her car. EXT. HINKLEY, THE POOL BEHIND AN ABANDONED HOUSE - DAY Another day. This time it's RAINING. Erin minces her way down to the deep end of the pool in her spike heels. FRANKEL (O.S.) What I'd do is start a collection. Anything that existed in water, on water, under water ... She gets to the deep end and scoops up a Ziploc full of rancid pool water and seals it. FRANKEL (O.S.) anything that had water flow over or under it ... Erin spots a few dead frogs in the water. She picks one up by the leg, and seals it in a plastic bag as well. EXT. WELL - DAY With a sample cup held in her teeth, Erin hauls herself up over the well's concrete wall, then, with her back against one side of the well and her feet against the other, starts shimmying down the well. FRANKEL (O.S.) anything that had water pass through it ... INSIDE THE WELL she winces at the algae and gook that's clinging to her as she descends to the water level. When she's low enough, she takes the sample cup from her teeth and scoops up the water. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY Erin's at her desk, bending over her notebook in a miniskirt, adding reports to the TOXICOLOGY binder. FRANKEL (O.S.) ... collect 'em, label 'em, then bring 'em to me. I'll analyze 'em, see what we got. ON THE REPORTS: We catch a few words: "water sample A ...", "soil sample D ...", "frog sample A ...", "... traces of hexavalent ..." Brenda looks at Erin and sees her hem rising in the back. BRENDA For God's sake, Erin, I can see your panties. Erin turns to Brenda, relishing the chance to irritate her. ERIN Liar. I'm not wearing any. Ed, in his office, laughs. He's starting to like this gal. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT It's a hot night. George is playing on the floor with the kids. Erin is behind them on the couch, laboriously reading a book labeled, simply, CHROMIUM. The phone RINGS. Erin picks it up. ERIN Hello? MALE VOICE (O.S.) Is this the Erin Pattee Brockovich that's been snooping around the water board? His voice is flat, creepy. Not friendly. ERIN Yes. Who's this? CLICK. Erin stares at the phone, freaked. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT George watches Erin double-checking the locks on the door. ERIN I'm not gonna quit cause of one creepy phone call, George. GEORGE Come on, Erin. A job's supposed to pay your bills, not put you in danger. ERIN I'm not in danger. I have a dead bolt. Remember? She goes to the living room, double-checks the window locks in there. George follows. GEORGE Look, don't take this the wrong way, but don't you think you might be out of your league here? ERIN No, see -- that's exactly what those arrogant PG&E fucks want me to think -- that because they got all this money and power, we don't stand a chance in hell against them. But you know what? They're wrong. She heads into the bedrooms. GEORGE It doesn't have to be this complicated, Erin. There's a lot of jobs out there. ERIN (off-hand) How would you know? George reacts, a little stung. He follows her into: INT. MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Matt and Katie are asleep. Erin is checking their windows. George comes in. They whisper. GEORGE You mind telling me what that's supposed to mean? ERIN Nothing. GEORGE If you got a problem with me taking care of your kids instead of getting some job, just say so. ERIN I didn't say that. GEORGE Cause I can get a job. I will. And you can start leaving the kids with the chicken fat lady again. Would that make you happy? ERIN Keep your voice down. GEORGE I know what they can sleep through, Erin. I probably know it better than you. She gives him a glare, then leaves the room. INT. WATER BOARD - DAY Erin is reaching up to a high shelf for a dusty old box of files. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Ross passing. ERIN Hey, Ross. Tell me something. Does PG&E pay you to cover their ass, or do you just do it out of the kindness of your heart? ROSS (a bad liar) I don't know what you're talking about. ERIN The fuck you don't. No one calls me Pattee. That heavy-breathing sicko that called the other night could've only found out about me from you. (beat) People are dying, Ross. You got document after document here, right under your nose, that says why, and you haven't said word one about it. I wanna know how the hell you sleep at night. Ross is speechless. He just stands there. Erin drags the box to the floor and goes to work. EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT Erin's car is parked in front. A DIRTY OLD PICK-UP comes rumbling up the road. When its lights hit Erin's car, it slows, then pulls over. The driver flicks on his BRIGHTS to get a better look at the car. The truck sits there for a bit, a dark presence. Then, as the headlights of another car appear down the road, the truck goes back in gear, pulls out and drives off. INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - NIGHT A pile of documents is strapped into the passenger seat. An empty coffee cup rolls around the floor. Erin's driving, exhausted. She yawns as she dials her phone. GEORGE (O.S.) Hello? INTERCUT between Erin in her car, and George in bed. ERIN I'm so tired I'm about to drive off the road. Keep me awake, willya? GEORGE What do you want, a joke? ERIN No, no jokes, I gotta pee. Just tell me about your day. What went on back there? GEORGE Well, come to think of it, we did have a big event around here. Beth started talking. ERIN What? (beat) Beth? My Beth? GEORGE Yeah. We were sitting around at lunch and she pointed at a ball and said, "ball." Erin says nothing, just stares out at the empty highway, feeling all hollowed-out. GEORGE I'd never seen that before -- someone's first word. Pretty intense. Erin just nods. Keeps staring straight ahead as a tear rolls down her cheek. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S AREA - DAY CLOSE ON SOME FILES as Erin hands them to Ed. As he takes them from her, he notices a crematory urn on Erin's desk. ED Is that what I think it is? ERIN She lived on the plume. You never know. Ed laughs and hands the documents to Brenda without looking at her. She grumpily takes them over to the fax machine. CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as Brenda types in the number. The recipient's name comes up again: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. EXT. HINKLEY BARBECUE - DAY Open pits, pony rides, watermelon. George is watching Katie and Matt being led around on ponies, an activity that stopped being fun hours ago. Now they're just hot and tired. BY THE BARBECUE, Ed is talking to an OLDER COUPLE as they sign retainer agreements. ELSEWHERE, Erin, holding Beth, is looking at pictures of a swimming pool with FIVE OTHER WOMEN. The water is green. ERIN This was the community pool? WOMAN 1 Yeah, that PG&E built. The whole time we thought it was algae that made it so green. LATER ... Erin's trunk is open. She and Ed are clipping new clusters of retainer agreements into the "PLAINTIFFS" binder. LATER STILL ... Erin and Ed are passing out informational pamphlets. She sticks one in a hand before noticing that it's George's. GEORGE I'm bored, and so are the kids. ERIN Just a few more minutes, then we can go. (as he heads off) Take her, will you? George drops the pamphlet and takes Beth from Erin. He heads over to Matt and Katie, sitting glumly on a log. As he steps away, a hand reaches down and grabs the flier he dropped. It belongs to a MAN IN A BLACK JACKET. He's in his 50's, strong and sinewy. Military-style dark glasses obscure his eyes. He scans the pamphlet, then watches Erin working the crowd. Watches her carefully. He slides the pamphlet into his inside pocket, and heads back his car -- the DIRTY OLD PICK-UP TRUCK that idled in front of the Water Board. LATER STILL ... Erin is heading over to George and the kids, ready to leave, when Donna comes up to her, with A MIDDLE-AGED MAN in tow. DONNA Erin, this here's Frank Melendez. He works over at the compressor station -- Erin stops in her tracks, very interested. LATER STILL ... Erin and Frank are on a bench, talking. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her car drive off. George's hand sticks out the driver's side and flips her the bird. She watches him disappear, then, hiding her rage, turns back to Frank. ERIN I'm sorry. What were you saying? LATER ... The barbecue is winding down. Ed is heading for his Mercedes. Erin storms up beside him, mad as all get-out. ERIN I need a ride. INT. ED'S CAR - DAY Ed is driving. He glances over at Erin, fuming in the passenger seat. After a beat: ED You wanna talk about -- ERIN No. Another beat. Then Erin's cel phone rings. She digs into her bag, pulling it out as fast as she can. Answers. ERIN What, asshole? There's a pause. Then Mike Ambrosino's voice comes over the line, very strained: MIKE AMBROSINO (O.S.) Um, Erin? This is Mike. Ambrosino. EXT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, FOYER - DAY The curtains are drawn; everything is dark. Ed and Erin are at the door, talking to Mike, who looks drawn and tired. MIKE She was about to take a handful of these -- He shows them a bottle of prescription pills. MIKE It's a morphine thing -- for pain -- Erin nods, then leaves Ed with Mike and heads toward: INT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY Erin opens the door. Very dark, very quiet. Laura is lying in bed. Erin goes over to her. They speak in whispers. LAURA I'm embarrassed. ERIN That's okay. I understand. LAURA It's just -- the pain. It's only getting worse. I can't be a good wife. I can't be a good mother. ERIN I'm real sorry, Laura. Erin sits down on the chair next to the bed. Takes a beat. LAURA Know what I always thought I wanted outta life, Erin? A Jaguar. ERIN Jaguar's a darn pretty car. LAURA I thought if I could spend that kinda money on a car, it'd mean everything else was fine. (beat) I don't even know how much they cost. ERIN A lot. But you hang in there, maybe you'll get one. Laura shakes her head. LAURA Wouldn't mean the same thing. Erin watches her sadly. INT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY A LOUD, industrial plant. Erin and Frank Melendez walk through, him in coveralls, her in a teensy sun dress. Both in hard-hats. He's giving her a tour. EXT. NORTHRIDGE STREET - DAY George, in his leather and denim, is walking down the sidewalk. As we WIDEN, we see he's pushing a PINK STROLLER. He stops at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. In the stroller, Beth starts to whine. George reaches in his pocket, finds her pacifier. As he's leaning down to give it to her, he hears a RUMBLE coming down the street behind him. The roar grows. He stands, looks. A GROUP OF ABOUT TEN BIKERS has pulled up next to him. He looks at them. They look at him, then at the stroller. George feels ridiculous. When the light changes, the bikers REV LOUDLY and pull out. George just stands there and watches them go. INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT His office is all about Hinkley. A map of the plume area and a diagram of the plant cover one wall; photos of the plant cover the credenza; piles of documents litter every surface; Erin is up at the map, eating Chinese food. ERIN They used the hex chrom here, in these cooling tanks, as an anti-corrosive. Then they dumped it here, in these six ponds. ED I don't remember seeing any ponds up there. She bites into a forkful of food, keeps talking. ERIN They covered 'em over. And not too carefully either, cause you dig one inch under the surface, and the dirt is green as a fucking shamrock. ED And that's what caused the contamination? ERIN It didn't help, but no. The real problem's on the bottom. She reaches for a document, reads from it. ERIN See, according to this, they were supposed to line the ponds so this shit couldn't seep into the ground. But guess what -- ED They skipped that step. ERIN I guess it was a little too inconvenient. So for fourteen years, this stuff flowed into the groundwater, free as you please. ED Jesus. (beat) I don't even wanna ask what you did to make this Melendez guy talk. In response to the insinuation, Erin gives him a glare. ERIN For your information, Frank cares what was in those ponds 'cause he used to spend half his day wading around them. That was his job. ED No shit. ERIN No -- Suddenly, her eyes pop out of her head -- ERIN SHIT! SHIT! Hot! Hot! Hot! Tears spring to her eyes. She fans furiously at her mouth. Ed finds the tequila from the client and hands it to her. She takes a swig. There's a nanosecond of relief ... until the tequila hits. Her eyes redden. She spews and gasps. ERIN You ... asshole ... Ed chuckles. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - LATER The tequila's been dipped into. Ed and Erin are each lying on a couch, staring at documents. Late-night working. ED Erin -- lemme tell you something. If I'da put three researchers on this, I wouldn't expect them to dig up all the information you got here. This is some damn good work. ERIN Yeah? Then gimme another raise. ED Hey, I got a staff to pay, plus rent, plus I haven't billed a minute of my time since I started on this case, so you can quit hitting me up like I'm rich or something. He gets up, grabs his trash can, and moves around the room with it, cleaning up all the Chinese food cartons. ERIN Don't give me that. You're gonna get plenty rich off of this, Mr. 40 percent. We got those PG&E fuckers by the balls here. ED We've got the PG&E fuckers in Hinkley by the balls. But nobody's getting rich unless we can pin this on the corporate PG&E fuckers in San Francisco. ERIN What do you mean? ED PG&E corporate is claiming they had no way of knowing what was going on in Hinkley. ERIN Oh, they knew. They had to know. ED Show me the document that proves that. She doesn't have one. ED Then they didn't know. And if they didn't know, we can't hit 'em for punitive damages. And punitive damages is where the money is. ERIN Jesus Christ, Ed -- you know, the more I work on this thing, the more I realize what a crock of shit this legal system is. Here we got a company that poisoned a whole aquifer -- that built a pool for a town, then filled it with toxic water -- and we're the ones who've gotta bust our ass proving things? That's just not right. Beat. Ed smiles. ED I like this case. ERIN Really? It makes me sick. ED Me too. That's why I like it. It's been a long time since I had a case I cared about. ERIN You didn't care about my case? ED I would now. He gives her a long look. ED Hey. I like working with you. ERIN Well, good, Ed. I like working with you too. They both smile a little awkwardly. Take a beat. Then: ED When'd you start calling me Ed? INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT The Christmas party. The office is decorated; someone is Santa. Erin and George enter, all dressed up. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin's giving George a guided tour. As they head down the hall, every desk is decorated and has a present on it GEORGE I'm just saying -- we have one night to ourselves, why do we have to spend it here? ERIN Cause it's my office party. If you had an office, I'd go to your party. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - NIGHT It's dark. The door to Erin's area opens. ERIN And here, ta-daa, is my desk. She flicks on the lights. Brenda's desk is decorated and as a present on it. Erin's is empty. GEORGE Which one? (it's obvious) Maybe they didn't think you were coming. Erin shakes her head. She's surprised by how hurt she is. ERIN (quietly) God damn. I work so hard. The least they could do ... George looks over at her, sees her eyes glisten a little. He goes over to her, wraps his arms around her. GEORGE Hey. Fuck 'em, babe. Who needs 'em, huh? He kisses her. She leans into him. He kisses her some more. GEORGE (quietly) See? All we need is each other. She kisses back. She's gonna let him take care of her. Some more kisses, heating up. He slides her onto her empty desk. GEORGE Good thing there isn't a present there, huh? That mighta hurt. She laughs a little. He slides his hands up her skirt. She pulls him into her, tugging his shirt out of his pants. INT. MASRY OFFICES, HALLWAY - NIGHT Ed is coming down the hall with his wife, JOEY. Joey is much younger than Ed, and very pretty. ED I'll show you what we did back here -- INT. ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT Erin and George, in a rapidly-heating-up clinch on her desk, hear the voices. Erin pulls away. ERIN That's Ed. GEORGE Lock the door. ERIN No, I wanna say hi. He pulls her back into him, not wanting to move. GEORGE We'll say hi later. Lock it. But Erin pulls away ... ERIN Come on, George, it's a party. He watches her straighten her dress and take a step away from him. It's just one step, but it feels a hell a lot farther. INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER Erin and Ed are at the reception desk, talking and laughing. NEARBY, Joey and George are standing together, awkwardly. JOEY Your wife's real pretty. GEORGE She's not my wife. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Matthew lies awake in his bed, listening to George and Erin fight. GEORGE (O.S.) It wouldn't kill you to talk about something other than yourself and your own fucking job once in a while -- ERIN (O.S.) What do you want to talk about instead? Your day? That's a fascinating subject. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin and George are fighting while they get ready for bed. GEORGE Fuck you. Just cause I don't spend all day trying to prove what hot shit I am -- ERIN That is not what I'm -- GEORGE Bullshit, Erin. Bullshit. The fight is interrupted by the sound of BETH CRYING. ERIN Great. Excellent. Thank you very much. She leaves the room. INT. BETH'S ROOM - NIGHT Beth is wailing in her crib. Erin comes in in her nightshirt and lifts Beth out. Then, more to herself than to Beth: ERIN It's okay, baby. It'll be okay. She runs her hand over Beth's head, then slides down the wall and crumples onto the floor. As she curls around Beth, Erin starts to COUGH. Deep, raspy coughs from way down low. EXT. PG&E STATION - NIGHT Late, late at night. The plant is silent. The property seems empty, until we notice Pete Irving standing alone inside the gates, staring up at the station. After a beat, he picks up a rock and hurls it at the plant. It misses. Not that it would do anything if it hit. He reaches for another, throws it. Then another, and another. He hurls rock after rock at the gigantic plant. Then, overwhelmed by his impotence, he lets out a TERRIFYING YELL. INT. IRVINGS' HOUSE, DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAY Donna's sitting quietly in bed. Erin is sitting on the edge of the bed. DONNA I'd got so used to having 'em come up benign, I guess I just didn't expect it. She looks down her shirt front. DONNA Sure wish I had longer to get used to the idea. (beat) You think if you got no uterus, and no breasts, you're still technically a woman? ERIN Sure you are. You're just a happier woman, cause you don't have to deal with maxi-pads and underwire. Donna smiles a little. Then her face crumbles. DONNA We're gonna get them, aren't we, Erin? You gotta promise me we're gonna get them. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, DAY CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as DOCUMENTS are faxed once again to the PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. THEN AGAIN, on another day. AND AGAIN, on another day. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is once again checking the lie of his tie in a window. Erin is popping some aspirin, trying to kill a headache that has brought with it a healthy dose of intolerance. ERIN If they've sent that little shmuck Baum again, I'm gonna be real pissed off. ED From their tone of voice on the phone, I'd say they're taking us more seriously. ERIN Yeah, I heard that one before. Brenda leans her head in. BRENDA Mr. Sanchez, Mr. Webster, Mr. Buda, and Ms. Cooper, from PG&E are here. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Talk about moving up the food chain. MS. SANCHEZ, MR. WEBSTER, MR. BUDA, and MR. COOPER mill slowly about the reception area like sharks. They all ooze importance. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE OF ED'S OFFICE - DAY Erin, Ed and Brenda are staring out at them. ERIN Jesus. They look like the Secret Service. ED They're trying to intimidate us. (then, to Brenda) Tell them to wait in the conference room. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Sanchez, Webster, Buda, and Cooper are seated. The door opens and Ed enters, legal pad under his arm. Followed by Erin, legal pad under her arm. Followed by Anna (looking professional in Brenda's suit coat), legal pad under her arm. Followed by Mario (in a suit produced from who knows where), legal pad under his arm. If you didn't know better, you'd assume it was a team of lawyers as well. ED Counselors -- MR. SANCHEZ Counselors. Ed and Erin sit down and get to work. Mario and Anna, clearly told to just follow along, sit down a moment later. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Mario and Anna are sitting mutely in their seats beside Ed and Erin, firing blank looks across the table. SANCHEZ Let's be honest, here. Two million dollars is more money than these people have ever dreamed of. Erin has no patience for this today. ERIN Oh, see, now that pisses me off. First of all -- we got more'n a hundred plaintiffs. They may not be sophisticated, but they do know how to divide, and two million dollars isn't shit when it's split between them. Mario and Anna exchange a look. This is getting interesting. ED Erin -- But there's no stopping her. ERIN And second of all -- these people don't dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying they'll have to have a hysterectomy at age 20, like Rosa Diaz -- a client of ours -- or have their spine deteriorate like Stan Bloom. Another client of ours. So before you come back here with another lame-ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr. Buda -- or what you'd expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Miss Sanchez -- then you take out your calculator and multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. And she gets up and storms out of the meeting. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY Erin drinks a big swig of coffee and pops a few more aspirin. Beyond her, the PG&E lawyers are filing out of the office. Anna wanders over to Erin, a little uncomfortable. ANNA Um, Erin? (Erin turns) Listen. Even though you're not necessarily my favorite person in the world ... (beat) ... sometimes you're not half-bad. ERIN I'm gonna assume that was meant as a compliment, Anna, and just say thank you. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT Erin's at her desk, which is completely buried in documents and files. She's visibly exhausted, struggling to focus on the page, and COUGHING while she works. Ed calls to her. ED Hey. A new plaintiff called, wants to meet you. I told him we'd be out there Thursday. ERIN D'you get his name? (no answer) Course not. Jesus, Ed -- ED He said he'd be at the gas station at six. ERIN Boy, this job takes me to some of the best damn places, huh? EXT. HINKLEY GAS STATION - SUNSET Erin is sitting out front, swigging cough syrup from the bottle. She checks her watch: 6:30. The GAS STATION ATTENDANT comes out, locks up, and turns out the lights. ERIN This is the only station in town, right? ATTENDANT Yup. He gets in his car and drives off. Erin sits down again. Looks down the road in both directions. Nothing. Then she spots, behind some bushes across the street, a glint of chrome. She shields her eyes against the sunset and sees: the BEAT-UP TRUCK parked behind some shrubbery. Erin looks around, realizes she's alone. As she looks back at the truck, the ASH of a cigarette brightens in the cab. She realizes she's being watched. The driver's door opens. Erin bolts for her car, scrambling to find her keys. She jumps in, locks her doors, and tries to start her car, but it won't turn over. Panic. The Man in the Dark Glasses has gotten out and is heading toward her car. Erin looks around again. Not a soul. She tries the engine again. And again. Just as he gets to her car, the engine engages. Erin peels out of the gas station. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin drives down the road, hyperventilating, trying to focus on the road. She looks in the rear-view mirror -- nothing. She reaches the train tracks. A train is passing. She has to stop. As she's waiting, the glint of headlights bounce off her rear view mirror. Truck lights, coming her way. Fuck. She looks at the train -- still passing -- then back at the headlights closing in on her. The train, the headlights, the train, the headlights ... Finally, when the headlights are right behind her, the last train car zips by. Erin peels out, bounding her rickety car over the tracks. The truck follows. EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT The Hyundai zips down the road. And behind it, the truck. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT She looks out at the landscape around her. It's black. No other cars on the road. She starts to panic, accelerates. EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT The Hyundai going faster. The truck still following. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT Erin comes up on a stop sign. She runs it. So does the truck. A little later, she makes a turn and sees THE LOST CAUSE SALOON. In the parking lot, like a lifeboat, sits Ed's Mercedes. She pulls into the drive and jumps out of her car. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT Ed is eating ribs when Erin bursts through the door. She rushes over to him, near tears with fear and exhaustion. ERIN Someone's following me. ED What? Who? ERIN Some guy in a truck -- he waited till I was alone, then he followed me, like, two miles. Jesus, I'm shaking. Get me a beer. Ed gets up and heads toward the door. ED (to the counter guy) Beer, please. As Ed looks out the door, Erin collapses onto a bench. ED What kind of truck? ERIN I don't know. Big. Dark. ED He's gone. (back to the table) Did you get a license plate? Or a make? ERIN No, Ed -- what with me running for my life, I didn't have time to check those things -- ED I was just asking. Are you all right? ERIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm ... fine. Ed looks at her. She looks terrible. Shaky, tired, drawn. ED Jesus, you look like shit. When was the last time you had a decent night's sleep? EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Crappy and pink. Ed's Mercedes pulls into the parking lot. Erin's Hyundai follows. Ed stops, gets out. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT Ed swings by Erin's open car window. ED Don't worry. I'm getting two rooms. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Erin and Ed amble down the porch, checking door numbers, each rattling a key. They find their adjacent rooms and stop. Erin leans against the wall, too weak to stand. ED Lock the door every which way you can. And if there's anything -- funny sound, whatever -- pound on the wall. I'll come right over. She nods a little. Then before she goes into her room: ERIN I think you should know -- there's very few people in the world who don't piss me off 90 percent of the time. (beat) You're one of 'em. It's as tender as she gets, and he's moved by it. They look at each other. Maybe even considering. But after a long beat, she reaches for her door again. Moment over. ED I'm triple locking my door, so don't even think of trying to take advantage. She smiles, goes inside. He watches her close her door behind her before going inside himself. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - NIGHT George is sitting alone on the stoop, drinking a beer. Music is coming from his house next door. He stares out into the street with a lot on his mind. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Katie and Matt are making a mess of breakfast. Beth is on the floor, grinding cereal into the linoleum. ERIN (O.S.) Hello? Erin enters, having just gotten home, and sees the mayhem. ERIN What are you doing? Where's George? KATIE I don't know. ERIN George! She heads out. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY George is sitting on the bed when Erin enters. ERIN Jesus, George, they're turning the kitchen into a hellhole. You know you can't leave them alone like that. He doesn't answer. Doesn't move. She notices this. ERIN What's going on? What are you doing? GEORGE Thinking. ERIN About what? He's very calm. He holds out a small jewelry box. GEORGE About this. ERIN What's that? GEORGE It's a pair of earrings. I saw 'em in the mall one day, and I thought, damn, those would look good on those beautiful earlobes. So I bought 'em. And I said to myself, next time Erin says something nice, does something nice, I'll surprise her with 'em. (beat) Know how long ago that was? Six months. In six months, you haven't said one nice thing to me. That's a long time. ERIN I'm sorry. I'm just working so hard -- GEORGE I know. But still. Six months. (he stands) I think you oughta either find a different job or a different boyfriend. Cause there may be men who don't mind being the maid and getting nothing in return, but I'm sure as shit not one of 'em. ERIN I can't leave my job, George. GEORGE Yeah, you can. You could just quit. People do it all the time. ERIN I can't. Look -- this job -- it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean it. For the first time in my life, I got people respecting me. Up in Hinkley, I walk into a room and everyone shuts up just to hear what I got to say. I never had that. Ever. Don't ask me to give it up. I need it. GEORGE More than you need me. ERIN I need it. He nods, then stands, to leave. GEORGE Maybe you didn't like who you were before, Erin, but I did. That's who I fell in love with. Only then does she see the packed duffel bag in the corner. ERIN You already packed up your stuff? GEORGE I pretty much knew what your answer was gonna be. He picks it up and walks out the door, tossing the earring box on the bed as he goes. INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin is at her window, looking out at the street below. George is strapping a couple of bags onto the back of his bike. He gets on the bike, starts it up, and drives away. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin is driving, looking weary. Her kids are in the car. Matthew turns on the radio. Erin reaches over and turns it off. Matthew turns it back on. Erin glares at him, turns it off. On/off/on/off. A test of wills. Finally, when Matthew turns it on one more time, Erin turns it off, yanks the knob off the stereo and throws it out the window. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY The Hyundai pulls into the lot. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin parks the car, unclips her seat belt. ERIN Wait here. She gets out. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Business as usual. Erin comes in, goes straight to her desk. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY Erin flips through her "in" box, looking for something in particular. Doesn't find it. Grrr. She heads off to: INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY Jane is at her desk when Erin comes in. ERIN Where's my paycheck? JANE Have you been logging on? ERIN What? JANE I moved payroll onto the computer. It only knows to process paychecks for employees who log on in the morning and off at night. ERIN (seething) Now how'm I supposed to do that when I'm not in here most mornings and nights? JANE You're clever. I'm sure you'll think of something. Erin glares at her ... ERIN I don't believe this -- ... then turns and storms out of Jane's office. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is on the phone when Erin barges in, rage in her eyes. ERIN I want my fucking money -- ED (into phone) I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just one second here -- (puts the call on hold, then, to Erin) Do you mind? ERIN (seething) Yeah, I mind. You bet your ass I mind. Clearly, she's in a dander he's going to have to deal with. ED Oh, Jesus. You wanna tell me what the problem is here, or -- ERIN It's my paycheck. Which I earned. Which I deserve. Which I shouldn't have to beg for. That fat-ass bitch won't give it to me. ED Erin, you're a big girl. If you got a problem with Jane, work it out for yourself. I don't have time to deal with -- ERIN Fuck you. Make time. Cause I bust my ass for you. I watch everything else in my life go straight in the toilet, for you. And what do you do for me? Huh? You see the way I'm treated around here -- but have you ever stood up for me once? Have you ever mentioned to everyone what good work I'm doing? Have you ever bothered saying, hey, Erin doesn't get paid the most cause she has the best tits; she gets paid the most cause she's the best God damn employee I've ever had? ED Is that what you want? ERIN I want my paycheck. By the end of the day. Ed sighs. Realizes he's going to have to take this on. ED I'll see what I can do. ERIN You might want to think real hard about the amount, too. My kids are sitting in the God damn parking lot right now, cause I still don't make enough to afford good child care. Makes me think about looking around for a job where I'm appreciated, for shit's sake. She storms out. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT Erin is standing at the sink, visibly exhausted, trying to do the dinner dishes with one arm and comfort Beth, who's CRYING, with the other. Matthew comes in. MATTHEW Can I play roller hockey? ERIN We'll see. MATTHEW When? The DOORBELL RINGS. Erin goes to get it. Matthew follows INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Matthew is dogging Erin on this. Beth is still crying. MATTHEW Randy's mom said yes right away. ERIN (snapping) Well, God damn it, Matthew -- Randy's mom doesn't work eighteen-hour days, and Randy's dad didn't leave her, so figuring out who's gonna take who where is a little easier over at Randy's house. Erin opens the door. A MESSENGER is there. MESSENGER Erin Brockovich? ERIN Yeah? MESSENGER Package from Masry & Vititoe. He hands her a manila envelope. She signs for the package, then tears into it as the Messenger heads away. A CHECK and a SET OF KEYS fall out. She looks at the check. It's made out for $5,000. A note attached reads "HIRE A NANNY. AND LOOK OUTSIDE. - E." Erin looks up and sees A BRAND-NEW CHEVY BLAZER parked on the curb. She looks at the keys in her hand. Chevy keys. Whoa. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE, PARKING LOT - DAY Erin drives up in the Blazer, pulls into a parking space. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, LAW LIBRARY - DAY It's dark. Ed's seated at a table, alone. Erin walks by the door, then spots him and stops in the doorway. ERIN Believe it or not, I would've been satisfied with just the check. Ed turns, sees her. ED Well, you go threatening to leave, I can't take any chances. You're the only person around who understands what I'm doing. Things come up, I gotta know I got someone to turn to. She sits, reading him. ERIN What kind of things come up? ED Things like the head counsel for PG&E calling me with an offer. (beat) 20 million, plus attorney's fees. Take it or leave it. ERIN Whoa. No shit. ED It's about 50 thousand per plaintiff. ERIN So what are you thinking? ED I'm thinking ... I wish someone else had to make this decision. (beat) 50 thousand bucks is more than any other California toxic plaintiff has gotten. Ever. But ... ERIN ... but it won't cover Annabelle Daniels's medical bills. ED And it's less than pocket change for PG&E. ERIN Do you think we'd do better by going to trial? ED Maybe. but maybe not. We still don't have anything linking this to PG&E corporate. Plus, there's the statute problem. Plus, we're way short on manpower, so we'd need to bring on more lawyers ... ERIN Plus, 40 percent of 20 million's a whole lot of money. ED It's eight million dollars, Erin. Eight million dollars. Beat. ERIN That's a fucking fortune, Ed. And you know I'm the last person on Earth to walk away from a big payday. But you and me didn't get into this to get rich. We did it cause we both have this voice in our heads saying, do the right thing; get these plaintiffs what they deserve -- the right to live and die in some kind of comfort and peace. If 50,000 isn't gonna buy that, then we gotta say no. (beat) Trust me. If you don't do the right thing for these people, getting that 6 million dollars is gonna feel like shit. He nods to himself, and looks up at her, his mind made up. ED I knew I put up with your bullshit for a reason. INT. ERIN'S NEW CAR - DAY It's raining. They're driving through the tall buildings of Century City. Ed is full of nervous excitement. ED This guy, Erin -- he's got more toxic tort experience than anyone else in California. He's huge. And he said yes to me on the first phone call, right off the bat. (points to a building) That's it. The big one. They've got the top three floors. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, RECEPTION - DAY It feels more like the lobby of a five-star hotel than an office. Erin and Ed step off the elevator. Erin gawks. ERIN Holy shit. Who do they represent, God? ED Don't joke. They might. So do me a favor and behave yourself for once. (to receptionist) Ed Masry to see Kurt Potter. As Ed turns to check his reflection, a YOUNG LAWYER comes through the reception area. Erin watches him pass, then, still miffed, calls out to him. ERIN Scuse me, sir, you got a real nice ass, you know that? The lawyer double-takes on her, then retreats into the office. Erin turns to Ed, smiles. ERIN Oh, I'm sorry. Was that not what you meant by behaving myself? INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD RECEPTION AREA - DAY THERESA DELLAVALLE, 38, junior partner, comes out to greet them. She's everything Erin isn't: conservative, restrained, unemotional. And about as sexy as a station wagon. THERESA Ed. Good to see you again. ED Theresa, hey -- this is Erin Brockovich. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD HALLWAY - DAY Theresa leads Ed and Erin down a long hall of teak desks. The sound of their footfalls is swallowed up by the plush carpeting. Occasional ATTORNEYS and PARALEGALS glance at Erin. She feels their stares. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, KURT POTTER'S OFFICE - DAY Potter is sitting behind his giant desk when Theresa leads Ed and Erin in. THERESA Kurt, Ed Masry's here. And this is Erin Brockovich, Ed's assistant. Erin, this is Kurt Potter. POTTER (to Ed, with a wink) Well. Now I know what you meant when you called her your secret weapon. Erin gives Ed another look. What the fuck? Ed gives her a firm look back. Behave. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Potter, Ed, Erin, Theresa and few PARALEGALS are sitting around the table. As the conversation ping-pongs between Ed and Potter, Potter completely ignores Erin. POTTER When'd they file the demur? ED Yesterday. ERIN What's a demur? ED It's PG&E saying to the judge that we don't have a case. Their lawyers go -- POTTER How many counts? ED Sixty-nine. We've got good answers to all of 'em. ERIN Counts? ED Reasons PG&E thinks it shouldn't go to -- POTTER Who's the judge? ED Corey. POTTER Good. ERIN Why good? ED He's got a reputation for doing all his -- POTTER How long's he gonna take? Erin's starting to steam at Potter. Theresa sees it brewing, tries to intercede. THERESA You know what? Why don't I take Erin down the hall, so we can start in on this stuff? Erin notices all her files in stacks against the wall. ERIN Hey -- those are my files -- THERESA Yeah, we had them couriered over. And listen, good work. They're a great start. We're just going to have to spend a little time filling in the holes in your research. Okay, these people are starting to piss her off. ERIN Excuse me -- Theresa, was it? There are no holes in my research. THERESA No offense. There are just some things we need that you probably didn't know to ask. ERIN Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, okay? I may not have a law degree, but I've spent 18 months on this case, and I know more about those plaintiffs than you ever will. THERESA Erin. You don't even have phone numbers for some of them. ERIN Whose number do you need? THERESA Everyone's. This is a lawsuit. We need to be able to contact the plaintiffs. ERIN I said, whose number do you need? THERESA You don't know six hundreds plaintiffs' numbers by heart. Erin just stares at her. Theresa sighs, reluctantly glances down at a file. THERESA Annabelle Daniels. ERIN Annabelle Daniels. 714-454-9346. As Theresa starts to write it down: ERIN 10 years old, 11 in May. Lived on the plume since birth. Wanted to be a synchronized swimmer, so she spent every minute she could in the PG&E pool. She had a tumor in her brain stem detected last November, had an operation on Thanksgiving, shrunk it with radiation after that. Her parents are Rita and Ted. Ted's got Chron's disease, and Rita has chronic headaches and nausea and underwent a hysterectomy last fall. Ted grew up in Hinkley. His brother Robbie and his wife May and their five kids Robbie, Jr., Martha, Ed, Rose, and Peter lived on the plume too. Their number's 454-9445. You want their diseases? Beat. Erin glares at Theresa, indignant. THERESA Okay, look -- I think we got off on the wrong foot here -- ERIN That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet. In fucking ugly shoes. INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT It's still raining. Erin is following Ed to the car. He's furious. ERIN She insulted me! ED Bullshit. It was a misunderstanding. But instead of handling it politely, instead of treating her with respect -- ERIN Why the fuck should I respect her? Ed stops in his tracks, furious. He glares at her. ED Because that's how people treat each other! ERIN Not in my world. ED Gee, I wonder why. On that, he gets in his car, slams the door, and drives off, leaving her standing alone in the pouring rain. ERIN Hey! You're my ride! INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - DAY Potter and Ed are walking down the hallway, mid-conversation. A FEW PARALEGALS follow them with files. POTTER I've also been thinking about the team. Responsibilities, who should cover what -- ED Right. POTTER I think we should makes some changes. EXT. LINWOOD'S DAIRY - DAY Bob Linwood is in his barn, mucking it out. Theresa is at the edge of the property, trying unsuccessfully to get his attention by yelling and waving her arms. In her expensive shoes, she's stopped short of the cow patty minefield. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON A CLIENT FILE as a hand fills in a phone number. WIDEN TO SEE Erin seated with a PARALEGAL, rattling off facts and numbers from memory. She's seized by a COUGHING FIT. EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY - DAY Theresa still hasn't gotten Linwood's attention. Finally, rather than ruin her shoes, she picks up a stone and tosses it at the barn. It hits the window and BREAKS IT. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - DAY Erin's desk is empty: no Erin, no files, nothing. Ed comes out of his office and hands Brenda a STACK OF DOCUMENTS. CLOSE ON THE FAX LED Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up again, only this time it says: POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD. INT. POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - ANOTHER DAY A SECRETARY carries the documents to Potter's office. On the way, she passes THE CONFERENCE ROOM. Inside, Erin is still dictating to the PARALEGAL. She's shivery with fever now. The floor around her is littered with tissues. INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Theresa is talking to Rita and Ted Daniels. Annabelle is curled up on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket. Rita and Ted notice that Theresa doesn't even look at Annabelle. INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY Erin is lying in bed, home sick, talking on the phone. She's talking over the noise of TANIA, her 20-something Eastern European nanny, vacuuming the hall. ERIN I know she isn't real warm, but they say she's a real good lawyer ... INTERCUT WITH INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Ted Daniels is on the phone. Rita is next to him. TED That may be. But I don't want her coming to the house again. She's kinda stuck-up, and she upsets Annabelle. Now, I hate to say this, but when she left today, Rita asked if we should get a new lawyer. ERIN Ted, no -- don't do that. If you don't like Theresa, you don't have to work with her. Me and Ed are still here for you. TED I called Ed two days ago, Erin, and he still hasn't called me back. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY The phone rings. Brenda picks up. BRENDA Ed Masry's office ... Sorry, he can't be interrupted. INTERCUT WITH Erin at home, still in bed, so irritated. ERIN Don't be a pain in the ass, okay, Brenda? Just put him on. BRENDA (with finality) I said, he can't be interrupted. Erin hangs up. Then, with a groan, she pulls her weary body out of bed. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY Erin drags herself into the office. ROSALIND Hey, Erin, I thought you were taking a sick day. ERIN So did I. She heads toward Ed's office, but stops when she sees a meeting in progress in the conference room. Ed is on the side of the table facing her, flanked by Potter and Theresa. On the other side of the table, are FOUR SUITED BACKS. ERIN What's going on in there? ROSALIND Some meeting. With PG&E people. ERIN PG& -- Are you sure? ROSALIND Yup. They must be important, too, cause they came on a special plane. Erin feels this like a sock in the gut. She stares at the meeting, stunned. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY This band of PG&E lawyers is the oldest and most impressive of all. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are listening to the most senior PG&E lawyer, MR. CORBIN, talk. CORBIN ... we would enter into binding arbitration -- judge, no jury -- with a settlement to be between 50 and 400 million dollars. Ed and Potter hear this and think about it. POTTER Any preconditions on the settlements? CORBIN The plaintiffs have to agree to it unanimously. And they're barred from ever discussing their settlement with anyone. ED 50-400 million dollars isn't a whole hell of a lot of money for your company, Mr. Corbin. HEAD COUNSEL 50-400 million dollars is a great deal of money for your plaintiffs, Mr. Masry. As Ed mulls this, he sees, beyond Mr. Corbin, ERIN staring at him from the other side of the glass wall, her face cold with hurt and anger. ED Could I -- just take a brief break here for a moment? I'll be right back. He gets up and goes out into: INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Ed comes out. Erin's so angry she can barely breathe. ERIN If you tell me to relax, I'm gonna kick your fucking head off -- ED Erin, it's just a meeting. ERIN People don't fly down in their own god damn plane for "just a meeting" -- ED Look, you said you weren't feeling great. I thought you should rest. ERIN Bullshit. You'd drag me off my deathbed if it suited you. ED Okay, look. It's an important meeting. Kurt thought, if it was just lawyers -- ERIN Kurt thought? What about you? Do you think anymore? He resists being dragged into an knock-down, drag-out fight. ED Look, this is serious now. They're talking serious money -- ERIN And, what, I'm not serious? ED You're emotional. You're erratic. You say any God damn thing that comes into your head. And I'm not saying that's bad. That can be great; that can be a lot of fun -- ERIN "Fun?" Jesus, "fun?" I kill myself for a year and a half, hand you the best case of your life on a God damn silver platter, remind you of why you became a lawyer in the first place, and you think of me as "fun?" ED Okay, now you're making this personal, and it isn't -- ERIN Not personal? That's my work in there, Ed. My sweat, my labor, my time. If that's not personal, I don't know what is. She starts to COUGH and CRUMBLE, but fights it. ERIN (weakened) How dare you take that away from me. ED No one's taking anything -- ERIN Bullshit. You stuck me in Siberia dictating to some God damn steno clerk so you could finish this thing without me. After all I've done for you, that's the thanks I get. By now the entire office is watching. As are the lawyers in the conference room. ED Don't give me that. You've gotten plenty. You've been well-paid; you've gotten lots of perks ... ERIN Perks? Jesus -- perks? Erin reaches into her bag, pulls out her cel phone. ERIN If this piece of shit is supposed to take the place of your respect, you can take it and shove it up your ass. She throws it at him and storms away. The phone hits the glass wall of the conference room, CRACKING it. Ed just stands there, with the lawyers staring at him through the splintered glass wall. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY Erin gets to her car. As she opens the door, the ALARM SOUNDS. She fumbles with her keychain, trying to turn it off, but she's too sick and upset to figure it out. With the siren still blaring, she kicks at the car in rage. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin's driving home. As she turns onto her street, her headlights wash across the sidewalk and illuminate a small boy, wearing a backpack, walking the other way. ERIN Holy shit -- She looks over her shoulder, but the sidewalk is too dark. She pulls a U-turn in the middle of the street. A CAR HONKS. Erin scans the sidewalk, finally sees him again. Holy shit, is right. It's Matthew, wandering the streets at night. ERIN Matthew -- She pulls ahead of Matthew and bumps up onto the sidewalk, blocking his path. When he sees her car, he turns and runs the other way. Erin leaps out and follows him. ERIN Matthew! MATTHEW! She catches up and collars him. ERIN God damn it, Matthew. What the hell are you doing out here? MATTHEW I'm gonna go live with George. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT MUSIC is playing. TANIA is on the phone. The receiver is yanked from her hand. She turns to see Erin hovering over her, barely containing herself. ERIN If you leave here real fast, I might not kill you. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATTHEW AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Matthew's in his bed, facing the wall. Erin sitting on the foot of his bed, near tears. Katie's watching from her bed. ERIN We'll work out the roller hockey thing, okay? Whatever you want, we'll work it out. I promise. MATTHEW You always say that. Then you go to work and forget you promised. ERIN I never forget, honey. I try, real hard. It's just, for some reason, I don't seem to be able to organize things right and -- when it comes to you guys, I end up falling short. MATTHEW You never fall short for the work people. I guess maybe you just love them more. ERIN Oh, God, sweetheart, no. There's nothing on Earth I love more than you. Nothing. (beat) I promise. She lays her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off and inches away from her. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin comes out of the bedroom. As she turns to close the door, she collapses to the floor in a heap. Out cold. INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT A busy Southland ER. George bursts through the doors with Katie, Matthew and Beth in tow. He goes up to the desk. GEORGE I'm looking for Erin Brockovich. They brought her in in an ambulance? INT. ER WAITING AREA - DAY The kids are waiting. George is talking to a DOCTOR. GEORGE Meningitis? What the hell is meningitis? DOCTOR It's an inflammation of the spinal cord and part of the brain. GEORGE Jesus. DOCTOR She must be a tough cookie, cause it's a pretty advanced case. I'd say she's been walking around with it for a few weeks now. GEORGE How does someone get meningitis? DOCTOR Usually, in adults, it's from exposure to bacteria or a virus or ... GEORGE ... or lemme guess -- toxic waste? INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Matt and Katie sit on the cheap plastic chairs outside the room. Katie is holding Beth, who's sleeping. GEORGE (O.S.) They can stay at my place till you go home. INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Erin's in bed, hooked up to an IV, looking exhausted. All untouched food tray is beside her bed. George is standing across the room from her, arms crossed tight across his chest, keeping his distance. ERIN They said that'd be tomorrow. They just wanna keep an eye on me another night. GEORGE Fine. I'll drop 'em off tomorrow afternoon. A moment of thick silence. ERIN Thank you. GEORGE (giving nothing) Mm-hm. As she watches him reach for his motorcycle helmet, to leave, she's hit with a wave of regret. ERIN George, hang on. (he pauses) Look ... I'm sorry. I just -- There's a KNOCK at the door, and Ed enters. George looks at him. Not interested in her apologies. GEORGE I'll drop 'em by tomorrow. And Erin watches George leave the room, then turns to Ed. ERIN If you're here to fire me, your timing's lousy. ED I'm not gonna fire you. (beat) I wanted to. But then you got sick, and that woulda made me look like a shit. (serious) You embarrassed me, Erin. ERIN I know. I'm sorry. (beat) Do I get to hear what happened anyway? INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER Ed has taken off his coat and pulled a chair up next to Erin's bed. He's eating the pudding off her tray. ERIN Between 50 and 400 million, definitely? ED Uh-huh. ERIN And if you had to guess ... ED With nothing linking it to the corporate offices yet, I'd say we'll end up on the lower end of that. Still a lot of money. ERIN So why would PG&E offer it? ED Because. They know the evidence; they know they're gonna lose a jury trial. Maybe they wouldn't lose 400 million bucks, but once you factor in all they'd spend on this case in the next ten years, it makes a lot of -- ERIN Wait, what do you mean, ten years? ED Five years, maybe, for a trial. Double that for the appeal. ERIN (confused) I'm sorry, are you saying that if this thing goes to trial, it'll be ten years before these plaintiffs see their money? ED Hey, that's not so bad. Compare it to the Love Canal -- that was twenty years ago, and those people still haven't seen a dime. So in legal terms, ten years is -- ERIN Fuck legal terms. We're talking about human beings here. Sick people. A whole bunch of them are gonna be dead in ten years. They need their money now! (beat) We gotta get 'em to agree to the arbitration, Ed. We gotta get every damn one of those plaintiffs to -- ED I know. We're having a meeting, it's all set up -- ERIN When? Where? ED Tuesday at seven, at the Hinkley firehouse. ERIN Okay, good. I think I should be the one to tell 'em, cause they trust me more than -- ED You're not gonna be there. ERIN The fuck I'm not. I don't care what the doctor says -- ED This isn't doctor's orders. It's mine. I'm saying you can't come. ERIN Why not? ED Because Kurt doesn't want to work with you. He thinks you're a loose cannon. ERIN Fuck Kurt. ED Erin -- ERIN No, I'm serious. You know what Kurt Potter is? He's the kind of guy who never would have taken this case in the first place. He's the kind of guy who would have sold these plaintiffs down the river when PG&E offered 20 million. He doesn't work like us, Ed. There's no little voice in his head telling him to do the right thing. But his mind's made up. He stands to leave. ED Don't come, Erin. I mean it. If you do, I'm gonna have to fire you. (beat) Just ... concentrate on getting well. EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT The parking lot is empty, except for three Mercedes. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are in the doorway, going over their notes. A TRUCK pulls into the lot. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - NIGHT Katie and Matt are watching TV. Beth is playing near them. Behind them, Erin is lying on the couch, under a blanket, distractedly trying to watch TV. She checks her watch. EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT The lot is filling with more cars and trucks; headlights criss-cross each other as people pull in from all directions. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin's sitting up now, jiggling her knee, unable to sit still. She checks her watch again. 6:30. She can't take it. She throws off the blanket and gets up. ERIN Come on, kids, we're going for a ride. INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT CLOSE ON HANDS. As people stream in, they are each handed a release form with a space for a signature on the bottom. INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - LATER It's sweltering. The room, packed with plaintiffs, hums with horse flies and tension. People are fanning themselves with the release forms. Potter's addressing them from a raised platform. Ed, Theresa, and Andrew are seated behind him. POTTER Binding arbitration isn't all that different from a trial. It's overseen by a judge. Evidence is presented in much the same way. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT One more car pulls into the lot. It's Erin's Chevy. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin unbuckles her seat belt. ERIN Stay in the car, babies, I won't be long. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Erin gets out of the car, looks around, then goes over to a window and looks in at the packed meeting. PLAINTIFF (O.S.) And then a jury decides? POTTER (O.S.) No, sorry, I should have mentioned that. There's no jury in binding arbitration. No jury, and no appeal. She climbs up on an old wagon for a better view. BOB LINWOOD (O.S.) No appeal? So what are our options if we don't like the result? POTTER (O.S.) Well -- you have none. The judge's decision is final. But I really don't anticipate that as a problem. INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Now, in addition to the stifling heat, the large room is thick with mistrust. People are shifting in their seats, whispering to each other. TOM BROWN You don't even know what it's gonna be; how do you know we're gonna like it? Agreeing MURMURS ripple through the crowd. POTTER As I said before, it will definitely be somewhere between 50 and 400 million dollars. MANDY BROWN Which? There's a big difference there. POTTER I wouldn't want to speculate at this point. MANDY BROWN Ed -- what do you think it'll be? Potter turns around and looks at Ed seated behind him. ED I think ... Kurt's right. We shouldn't speculate. MANDY BROWN So then, what, that mystery number's divided up at the whim of some judge -- POTTER Judges don't make decisions based on whim, ma'am. They make them based on precedent and evidence. The GRUMBLE of discontent has overtaken the room. More whispering, more movement. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Erin watches the meeting fall apart. It's driving her crazy. ERIN Fucking idiot -- INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Potter sees he's losing them, too. Tries to gain control. POTTER Look. Everyone. Is this a big decision? Absolutely. But I do believe that if you put a little faith in the system, you'll be quite pleased with the outcome. Ted Daniels gets up from his seat. TED DANIELS Mr. Potter, if you knew me from Adam, you'd know that being pleased isn't an option for me anymore. Now don't take this personally, sir, but I've never seen you before in my life. I'm not about to put my faith in anything just cause you tell me to. He drops his agreement form, unsigned, then takes Rita's hand and heads for the door. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Meeting's over. The plaintiffs stream out of the firehouse. Cars start up, headlights flick on. People pull away. INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Everyone has left. Erin enters and looks around. The floor is littered with rejected, unsigned release forms. She thinks for a moment, then gets an idea. She picks up a release form, and leaves the firehouse. EXT. MINI MALL - NIGHT Everything's closed, except the KINKO'S store at the far end. Erin's truck pulls into the parking lot. INT. KINKO'S - NIGHT A BORED EMPLOYEE is at the register, painting with Wite-Out on a blue piece of paper. Erin enters, dragging her kids. ERIN Can I have one of those counter thingies, please? The Employee gives it to her. Erin crosses to the copiers. She slips the release form into one, then taps in the number of copies: 635. Presses "START." The machine WHIRS to life. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Erin's Chevy pulls into the parking lot. MATTHEW (O.S.) I don't want to stay here. It smells. INT. HINKLEY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Erin is entering the crappy motel room with her kids. ERIN We got no choice. I'm not gonna make it home tonight. Now go wash up and climb into bed. As the kids wander toward the bathroom, Erin picks up the phone and dials. RING, RING. GEORGE (O.S.) Hello? ERIN Hi. It's me. (silence) I got a favor to ask you. GEORGE (O.S.) I don't do favors for you anymore. ERIN It's not for me; it's for my kids. You're the only one I trust them with. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - DAY Very early. Erin is visible in the motel office, talking to the clerk, when George's motorcycle pulls into the lot. She turns around and sees him pulling up next to her Chevy. EXT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY Erin comes up to him, hands him a key. ERIN I got you your own room. He takes it, glances toward the motel room. GEORGE They up? ERIN Hunh-uh. Not yet. (awkward beat) Look, don't take any of 'em on your bike, okay? Call a cab if you wanna go somewhere. She hands him a wad of cash. GEORGE How long's this whole thing gonna take? ERIN I don't know. Few days. (beat) Thanks for helping me. I appreciate it. He nods. She gets into her car. Before closing the door, she turns back to him. ERIN And I miss you. GEORGE Yeah, well -- good help is hard to find. She sees how mad she's made him. Takes a beat. ERIN I treated you real bad, George. I know that. But, my problem was -- I never been with anyone who deserved better than that. You're the first nice guy who ever liked me. George softens, shifts. He steps toward the truck and gently closes her door, so he's standing close to her. ERIN I just ... didn't know how to handle it. That's all. He thinks about this. Finally: GEORGE Think you could learn? ERIN (with a smile) You know me. I pick things up real fast. He smiles back at her, nods, then tenderly brushes a piece of hair out of her eyes. GEORGE You shouldn't be driving around, you know. You're sick. ERIN Yeah, but I'm gonna get better. A lot of these folks aren't. He nods, understanding. Then he taps the side of her truck and turns toward the motel room. She puts the truck in gear and pulls out. EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - DAY Erin's Chevy is bombing down the road. INT. ERIN'S CAR, BACK SEAT - DAY There are two boxes there -- one full of unsigned release forms, the other empty. EXT. DONNA'S NEW HOUSE - DAY Donna's gardening out front, her head wrapped in a scarf to cover her chemo-thinning hair, when Erin's Chevy pulls into the driveway. Erin gets out, goes to the back of the truck, gets two of the release forms, then heads over to Donna. INT. DONNA'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Erin is sitting with Pete and Donna. DONNA I don't know, Erin -- the way he was talking to us, telling us everything was gonna be fine -- I just didn't trust him. PETE And after all we been through -- no jury, no appeal. It just makes me nervous. ERIN I understand all that. And I don't wanna force you into anything. If you don't want to sign, that's fine. But why don't we talk it over a little, cause I'd sure hate for you to turn this down for the wrong reasons. EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY The door opens. Erin emerges, holding two signed agreements. Donna is letting her out. ERIN You wouldn't happen to have a little time right now, would you, Donna? DONNA For what? ERIN Well, I was gonna head over to the Browns now. I was thinking -- Mandy really values your opinion ... INT. MANDY'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Erin, Donna, Mandy, and Tom are seated on the sofas. Mandy signs an agreement. Hands the pen to Tom, who also signs. EXT. LINWOODS' HOUSE - DAY From outside, we see Erin at the kitchen table with Donna and Bob and Ruth Linwood, who are listening intently. INT. DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY Erin and Donna are leaving, saying good-bye to Mary DeSoto. Erin has a signed release form in her hand. INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S CAR - DAY DISCO blares. The two boxes. The formerly empty one now has a small stack of signed release forms in it. The top one has Bob Linwood's signature. IN THE FRONT SEAT Erin is driving, eating a hamburger, and going over her list of plaintiffs. EXT. HINKLEY MART - EVENING People are going about their shopping. Rita Daniels is stopped, talking with A FEW MORE PLAINTIFFS. RITA I thought so, too, but Erin says a trial's gonna take years INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT The signed stack has grown; the unsigned stack has shrunk. Erin drops five more agreements into the "signed" box. INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT In the wee hours. While her kids sleep, Erin sits at the cheap motel room table, going through her forms, organizing, alphabetizing. INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON ERIN, fast asleep at the table, her face pressed against the linoleum. There's some NOISE in the room, WHISPERING. Erin stirs and looks around to see George behind her, diapering Beth, while Matt and Katie put their shoes on. ERIN What time is it? GEORGE Real early. We're just gonna take your car to get some breakfast. Erin forces herself awake. ERIN No, I need my car -- GEORGE We'll just be a minute. Get a little more sleep. He picks up Beth, takes Katie's hand, and calls across the room to Matthew. GEORGE C'mon, pal. Leave that alone, we gotta go. Erin turns to see Matthew holding one of her release forms. ERIN Oh, baby, please don't play with that, okay? I got 'em all organized. Just put it back. But he's reading it. And something has caught his attention. He looks up at Erin. MATTHEW This girl's the same age as me. Erin gently takes the form away from Matthew, wanting to shield him from the harsh realities of this case. ERIN That's right, sweetheart. She replaces the form on top of the stack. MATTHEW She's one of the sick people? ERIN Yeah. She is. (beat) But you know what? That's why I'm helping her. So she can get some medicine to make her feel better. Matthew mulls this over a bit more. MATTHEW How come her own mom isn't helping her? ERIN Cause her own mom's real sick, too. Matthew thinks real hard about this, then heads over to the door, where George, Beth, and Katie are waiting for him. Before he leaves, though, he turns back to Erin. MATTHEW Maybe we'll bring you back some breakfast. You want eggs? She looks at the group of them, feels their shift toward acceptance. Smiles, moved. ERIN Eggs'd be great, baby. Eggs'd be perfect. INT. ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY Erin's driving along a dusty Hinkley road, eating cold eggs out of a take-out container with her fingers. EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY Morning. A GROUP OF MEN are arriving at work. Erin's truck pulls up. She grabs some release forms from the truck and wanders up to the men. ERIN Hey, y'all. How you all doing today? INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY She tosses eight more agreements in the signed stack. EXT. HINKLEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY Morning drop-off time. Erin is handing out release forms zo a GROUP of MOTHERS who just dropped off their kids. EXT. HINKLEY MART - NIGHT Erin is leaning on the hood of her truck, going down her list of plaintiffs, checking off the ones who have already signed. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - DAY Another day. Erin has set up shop here and is at a table with about FIVE PLAINTIFFS, all reading agreements. MIKE AMBROSINO enters. Erin spots him. ERIN Mike! I been looking all over for you. Come here, I wanna talk to you. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT The signed stack is getting bigger. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY And bigger. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY And still bigger. EXT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT CLOSE ON ERIN'S TRUNK. A bunch more forms get thrown onto the signed stack, which is now much higher than the unsigned. ERIN (O.S.) I'm gonna head out to Barstow and talk to some folks out there tonight. WIDEN TO REVEAL Erin talking on a nearby pay phone. GEORGE (O.S.) Promise you'll turn around if you get tired. ERIN I will. Bye. She hangs up. As she turns to get into her car, she finds herself face-to-face with the Man in the Dark Glasses. ERIN Jesus! He's just standing there, a foot away, blocking her exit. She recognizes his truck as the one that chased her. ERIN Okay, what're you gonna do? You gonna kill me? Dump my body in a ditch somewhere? Or maybe you just wanna inject me with some poison too -- why change tactics at this stage of the game? (beat) Get outta my way, you make me sick. She pushes past him. But he grabs her by the arm. He's a big guy; it's a strong grab. Now she's scared. For a moment, he does nothing. Just looks at her. Then: DARK GLASSES If PG&E made someone destroy a whole lot of documents -- would that matter to you? Erin takes a beat, realizing she completely misread him. She gently pulls her arm away. ERIN Well ... I guess that depends on what the documents were. (she takes a beat) I'm sorry -- I didn't get your name. DARK GLASSES Embry. Charles Embry. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT Erin and Embry are the only patrons. Erin's eating a burger. Embry has a beer. He's talking quietly, not looking at her. EMBRY I was working in the compressor, and out of nowhere the supervisor calls me up to the office and says, we're gonna give you a shredder machine, and send you on down to the warehouse. We want you to get rid of all the documents stored out there. ERIN Did he say why? EMBRY Nope. And I didn't ask. ERIN Did you get a look at the stuff you destroyed? EMBRY Well, it's pretty boring work, shredding -- you gotta find some way to entertain your mind. So yeah, I took a look. ERIN And ...? EMBRY There was a lot of dull stuff -- vacation schedules, the like. (beat) But then there were a few memos about the holding ponds. The water in them. They had readings from test wells, stuff like that. Erin tries to hide her excitement at this information. ERIN And you were told to destroy those? EMBRY That's right. Destruction of evidence. Pretty big deal. Erin plays it down. Wipes her mouth with her napkin, takes a sip of beer. EMBRY Course as it turns out, I'm not a very good employee. ERIN What do you mean? EMBRY Well. There were a few documents that I somehow didn't get around to shredding. (beat) That I kept instead. Erin stops, mid-bite. INT. EMBRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT He's dug out an inch-high stack of documents. Erin looks them over, stunned. Embry is standing apart from her, hands shoved deep in his pockets. ERIN How come you didn't say anything when you found these things? EMBRY At the time, I thought, I got six kids, some of 'em want to go to college. I can't afford to lose my job. I told myself I was being honorable. (beat) But there's nothing honorable in what I did. (beat) Maybe that's why they picked me for the job. Maybe they knew what kind of man I was. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Rosalind is at the desk. Anna, Brenda, and Jane are helping themselves to coffee. Erin enters, with a big box in her arms and a whole lot of attitude. ERIN Hey, Ros, where are they? ROSALIND In the conference -- But Erin's spotted them and headed off before Rosalind can finish. Anna, Brenda and Jane notice the purpose in her gait. They watch her with interest. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The table is covered with boxes of documents: the anticipated slew of paper that PG&E is sending them. Ed, Kurt, Theresa, Andrew and ABOUT FIVE PARALEGALS are sifting through them. Erin breezes in like sunshine. ERIN Morning! ED Erin? What are you -- ERIN (ignoring Ed) You know what, Mr. Potter? I completely forgot your birthday this year. And seeing as how you've been so good to me, I think that is a terrible oversight. So what I been doing over the last few days is I've been putting together a present for you. She plunks the box down on the table. Potter opens the top of the box. Looks in. ERIN 635. They all signed. Every single one. IN THE DOORWAY, Anna, Brenda and Jane appear, wondering what's up. A huge smile of appreciation slowly spreads across Ed's face. ED Ho - ly - shit. ERIN Oh, now don't get all jealous, Ed. I got a little something for you, too. Erin hands Ed a manila envelope. He opens it. ERIN Internal PG&E documents, all about the contamination. The one I like best says, and I'm paraphrasing here, but it says yes, the water's poisonous, but it'd be better for all involved if this matter wasn't discussed with the neighbors. It's to the Hinkley station, from PG&E Headquarters. Stamped received, March, 1966. Potter and Theresa reel. Ed shakes his head in disbelief. POTTER Where did -- how did you do this? ERIN Well, what with me not having any brains or legal expertise, I just went on up there and performed sexual favors. 635 blow jobs in five days. Whew, am I ever tired. And she struts out of the room, leaving everyone slack-jawed. The CLIP CLIP CLIP of her heels carry her away. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Erin comes out of the office, flushed with success, and heads down the hall. She presses the elevator button. The doors open. As she steps on, Ed comes out of the office. ED Hey! Erin puts her hand in the door, keeping it from closing. He stares at her, in awe. ED I don't know what to say. ERIN Say you were wrong. ED I was wrong. ERIN Say you shortchanged me and you shortchanged yourself. ED I did. Both. ERIN Say you'd be the luckiest son of a bitch on Earth if I didn't up and quit over all this. ED The luckiest son of a bitch in the universe, Erin. The luckiest son of a bitch in history. He looks down the hall at her, standing so tall and proud in the elevator. He walks toward her, stops right outside the elevator. ED But I know you're not gonna quit on me. ERIN How do you know that? ED (with a smile) Cause you got a little voice in your head saying, do the right thing. Give him another chance. Of course she will. She releases her hand so he won't see her smiling. Ed watches the doors close. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PCH - DAY One of those days when the bay sparkles like a glitter ball. Erin's Chevy moves up the PCH. DISCO music emanates from it. INT. ERIN'S CHEVY - DAY Erin's at the wheel. Time has passed -- her hair's a little different. She's singing along with "Funky Town." EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY Erin gets out of her new truck, looks, sees the Irvings in a little cluster. Donna's under an umbrella. Pete is slathering on sunscreen. The two girls zip out toward the water. Erin waves. Pete and Donna spot her, wave back. EXT. BEACH - LATER Donna is standing at the edge of the water, watching her girls boogie board in. Erin comes up behind her. ERIN How you feeling today? Donna turns, sees her. Smiles. DONNA It's a good day. I feel good. ERIN Well, then -- if you're feeling up to it, maybe we should talk shop. Erin sits down on a rock. ERIN The judge came up with a number. DONNA A number for the whole group, or for us? ERIN Both. Donna sits down next to her. ERIN He's making them pay the maximum. Tears of vindication spring to Donna's eyes. DONNA Oh, my God. ERIN And he's making them give five million of it to you all. DONNA Five million dollars? ERIN Five million dollars. She reels. After a breathless beat: DONNA I don't even know how much money that is. ERIN It's enough -- for whatever you need, for whatever your girls need, for whatever your girls' girls need -- it'll be enough. Donna wipes the tears off her face, then watches the light flickering off her girls playing in the surf. DONNA I can put them in a good school. ERIN Any school you want. DONNA And get someone to help around the house. ERIN Yup. DONNA Oh my God. Oh my God. Donna is overwhelmed. Erin pulls her close. DONNA Oh, my God. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Now this is where the hot lawyers work. A gleaming testament to power. INT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE - DAY Boxes everywhere. They just moved in. Everyone is unpacking at his or her desk. Rosalind is manning the new phones. ROSALIND Masry & Vititoe, can I -- shoot! She lost them. Her reaction indicates this isn't the first time. The front doors open and Erin enters. ERIN Hey, Ros. Nice view, huh? ROSALIND Yeah, I'm gonna start sleeping here. (into phone) Masry & Vititoe, can I -- damn it. (calling out) Does anyone know anything about these phones? Erin heads on down a hall to: INT. ED'S NEW OFFICE - DAY A beautiful corner office. Ed is unpacking when Erin enters. ERIN Careful you don't spit from here; you could kill someone. ED You see your office? ERIN Yeah. Yours is nicer. ED Oh, okay. Here it comes. ERIN Here what comes? ED The extortion, the threats ... ERIN I wasn't gonna -- ED "I can always find someplace else to work. Someplace that'll pay me a fortune and give me a view of the French Riviera ..." ERIN Ed, I swear, I'm not -- ED Okay, fine. Fine You backed me into a corner again. You're holding me hostage ... He reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a check. Hands it to her. ERIN What is that? ED Take it. Erin does. Looks at it. Her eyes bug out. ERIN Two million dollars? ED The firm took in sixty. That's three percent. Seemed like a fair bonus to me. She stares at it, speechless. He goes back to unpacking ED Oh, now I suppose you're gonna say it's not enough. Well, tough, Erin. Too goddamn bad. Cause this is absolutely, positively where I draw the line. FADE OUT. THE ENDERIN BROCKOVICH A True Story by Susannah Grant February 1, 1998 EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SUBURB, MAIN DRAG - DAY Palms sway ... the sun washes everything in yellow ... cars motor down either side of the landscaped median ... the calls of mockingbirds mingle with the BLIP BLIP of car alarms. ON THE SIDEWALK, a SKATEBOARD CA-LUNKS down the sidewalk, past the foot traffic of Southern Californians: flip-flops, Doc Marten's, Rollerblades, Nikes ... then, in the middle of this pedestrian normalcy, a pair of IMPOSSIBLY HIGH SPIKE- HEELED PUMPS struts out of a shop. So high it hurts to look at them. As the shoes leave frame, we TILT UP and see they're leaving a 99-cent store. As the Pumps turn and head up the street, we see they are connected to a pair of IMPOSSIBLY LONG, SHAPELY LEGS. Eveready legs -- they just keep going and going. They saunter past two BUSINESSMEN on a lunch break. The men pause and glance as men tend to when they see a beautiful woman. In fact, everyone this woman passes lets their eyes rest on her a microsecond longer than usual. - Two SKATEBOARDERS note the STRETCHY MICRO-MINI skimming the tops of her thighs. - A MAILMAN spots the BIG, DARK SUNGLASSES tucked into a MOUNTAIN OF BIG, BLOND HAIR. - A PRE-TEEN GIRL glimpses the PLUNGING NECKLINE of the TIGHT, BRIGHT RED MIDRIFF-BARING BUSTIER. It isn't until she rounds the corner at the end of the block that we see her entire figure and appreciate why everyone is so goggle-eyed. Eye-catching is an understatement. All those folks who say Barbie's proportions are unrealistic have obviously never met ERIN BROCKOVICH. EXT. AROUND THE CORNER - DAY A side street. No pedestrians, just parked cars. A PARKING TICKET flaps under the wiper of an old Hyundai. ERIN Fuck. Even when she talks dirty, there's a heartland goodness to her voice. Like Kansas corn fields swaying in the breeze. As she grabs the ticket from the windshield, her sunglasses accidentally CLATTER to the ground. ERIN Shit. When she picks them up, a fingernail snags on the pavement. ERIN God damn it. She tends to the nail as she opens her car door and gets in. WIDER ON THE STREET The Hyundai starts it up, signals. Then, just as it pulls slowly out into the street, a JAGUAR barrels around the corner, accelerating out of the turn, and rams into the side of Erin's car, sending it CAREENING into the median. It SMASHES into a foot-thick lightpost. And stops. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY A boring building on a boring block in the Valley, surrounded by strip malls. Definitely not where the power lawyers work. ROSALIND (O.S.) Morning, Mr. Masry. How you doing today? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY Generic. Cottage cheese ceilings, motel art. A sign over the reception desk reads: MASRY & VITITOE, ATTORNEYS AT LAW. ED MASRY, senior partner, slumps by ROSALIND, his chipper receptionist, with a cup of coffee in his hand. He's in his mid-50's, compact and -- even though it's only 9 AM -- already rumpled. ED Don't ask that on Mondays, Rosalind. Whatever passion he once had for the personal injury law that is his career has long since dissipated. He trundles off toward his office. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed's secretary BRENDA -- 50's, jaded, hates her job, but what can you do? -- is on the phone when Ed rounds the corner. She puts the call on hold, turns to Ed. BRENDA Tony Marvin. ED Oh, Jesus. Who's responsible for his pain and suffering this time? BRENDA His dry cleaners. You want him? ED What do you think? What's this? He grabs a gift-wrapped bottle off her desk, reads the card. BRENDA Tequila. From your drug dealer friend. ED Carlos isn't a friend; he's a client. BRENDA He's a low-life. Speaking of which, that's your nine o'clock in there. Ed peers into his office. It's a mess -- papers everywhere, unopened mail. Standing in the middle of the room is Erin, in a teensy, leopard-print mini-dress. As she jiggles a spike-heeled foot, everything about her shimmies gloriously. Except her head, which is held in place by a neck brace. ED Whoa. (to Brenda) Remind me. BRENDA Erin Brockovich. Car accident. Not her fault, she says. (sarcastic) And she looks like such an honest girl, don't you think? ED You shouldn't judge, Brenda. BRENDA Right. Lap-dancers are people too. As Ed heads into his office, Brenda picks up the phone. BRENDA I can't find him, Tony. We'll have to call you back. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Not an office that exudes authority, and Ed's blustery entrance only adds to the sense of chaos. ED Erin -- hi. Sorry you had to wait. Here, sit down, sit down. He clears a stack of papers off a chair. ERIN Thanks a lot. (as she sits) I tell you, I never thought just standing would take it out of me, but ever since that shithead hit me, it feels like my whole body's put together wrong. Ed gives her a look of pro-forma sympathy. ED Jesus, you poor thing. (he sits) Well, listen, you came to the right place. Whoever did this to you made one hell of a mistake, and you and me, we're gonna make him pay for it. He takes out a pad and paper, gets ready to write. ED Why don't you tell me what happened? DISSOLVE TO: INT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA COURTROOM - DAY Erin is on the stand, wearing the most conservative thing she owns: a red, form-fitting mini dress, telling her story to Ed, who's questioning her. ERIN I was pulling out real slow, and out of nowhere, his Jaguar comes racing around the corner like a bat outta hell ... She glances at the defendant's table, where a DOCTOR sits nobly in surgical scrubs. His WIFE and two beautiful KIDS are behind him. A frigging Norman Rockwell painting. LATER IN HER TESTIMONY: ERIN They took some bone from my hip and put it in my neck. I didn't have insurance, so I'm about seventeen thousand in debt right now. STILL LATER: ERIN ... couldn't take painkillers cause they made me too groggy to take care of my kids. STILL LATER: ERIN ... Matthew's six, Katie's four, and Beth's just nine months. STILL LATER: ERIN ... just wanna be a good mom, a nice person, a decent citizen. Just wanna take good care of my kids. You know? ED (oh so moved) Yeah. I know. INT. COURTROOM - LATER Erin is still on the stand. But now the doctor's lawyer is questioning her. DEFENDING LAWYER Seventeen thousand in debt. Whew. Is your ex-husband helping out? ERIN Which one? DEFENDING LAWYER (feigning shock) There's more than one? ERIN Yeah. There's two. Why? Erin looks over at the jury. The personification of conservative family values. Oh, shit. LATER IN HER TESTIMONY: ERIN (getting defensive) ... not like a career, cause I had my babies. But I woulda worked, for sure, if I didn't have this neck thing. Erin sees a juror staring judgmentally at her short hem. Erin gives it a tug, pulling it down a stitch. DEFENDING LAWYER (sarcastic) Right. No doubt. Erin sees a few jurors share dubious glances. Great. STILL LATER: The defendant's lawyers is on the offensive. Erin's starting to feel the case slipping away. DEFENDING LAWYER So. You must've been feeling pretty desperate that afternoon. ERIN (pointed) What's your point? Ed shakes his head slightly to her -- don't get mad. DEFENDING LAWYER Broke, three kids, no job. A doctor in a Jaguar must've looked like a pretty good meal ticket. Erin sees jurors nodding almost imperceptibly in agreement. She's on a sinking ship. ERIN What? Hey -- he hit me. DEFENDING LAWYER So you say. ERIN He came tearing around the corner, out of control -- DEFENDING LAWYER An ER doctor who spends his days saving lives was the one out of control -- ERIN (erupting) That asshole smashed in my fucking neck! INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY The door to the courtroom flies open and Erin comes out, furious. Ed follows her as she heads for the elevator. ERIN Open and shut? Open and fucking shut? ED If you hadn't used profanity -- ERIN Oh, please, it was long over by then. God damn, he made me look like some cheap -- ED I told you the questions might get a little personal -- ERIN Bullshit. You told me I'd get half a million dollars. You told me I'd be set. Ed notices her ranting is starting to draw attention. ED Okay -- let's try and settle down here. ERIN Settle down? I got 74 bucks to my name, Mr. Masry! I can't afford to settle down! Beat. ED I'm sorry, Erin. ERIN Yeah? Well, fuck you. Sorry doesn't feed my kids. Erin turns away from him and heads for the stairway. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY A shitty little house in a shitty part of Northbridge. The Hyundai with a bashed-in side pulls up to the curb. Erin gets out, takes the mail from her mailbox, then heads over to the equally grim house next door and rings the bell. A Hispanic woman in her 60's opens the door, holding a white baby. This is MRS. MORALES. MRS. MORALES Hi, Erin! You're back so soon. How was it? She hands Erin the baby. It's BETH, Erin's 9-month old. Erin avoids the question by focusing on her baby. ERIN Hi, sweetie. Were you a good girl? Where are Matt and Katie? MRS. MORALES Outside with the sprinkler. So it's good? The truth is too depressing to share. ERIN It'll be fine, yeah. MRS. MORALES Ai, bueno. Because I didn't want to tell you before, with your worries -- ERIN What? MRS. MORALES My daughter, she's bought a big house with a room for me. I'm going to move in with her. ERIN You're moving away? When? MRS. MORALES Next week. ERIN (stunned) Wow, that's soon -- MRS. MORALES I know. But it's good for me. Now I can help my daughter take care of my grandkids. And it's good for you, too. Now you have money, you can find a good babysitter, huh? Not the old lady next door. Oh, God. In Erin's arms, Beth starts to COUGH. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin carries Beth up to her house. As she nears her door, she steps on a GIANT WATER BUG. It crunches under her sole. ERIN Ugh. Insult added to injury. She heads up to the house, dragging her shoe, wiping off the bug guts. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN LIVING/DINING SPACE - DAY Just as dull inside. Salvation Army furniture. A lot of beige. Erin's two older kids, MATTHEW (7) and KATIE (5) are at the table. Beth is in a baby seat. Erin spoons some Mac & Cheese onto their plates, trying to hide her worry. MATTHEW I don't like this part, it's all crusty. KATIE I like the crust. Erin switches the plates. ERIN Put your napkins in your laps and eat up. KATIE How come you're not eating? Cause there isn't enough food. ERIN Mamma's gonna eat later. From her baby seat on the table, Beth COUGHS some more. Thick, sick-sounding coughs. Erin looks at her. ERIN Don't go getting sick on me, baby. Okay? INT. ERIN'S BATHROOM - NIGHT The shower and sink are both on full, filling the room with STEAM. Erin is seated with COUGHING, CRYING Beth on her lap, trying to steam the illness out of her. ERIN It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. I promise. But her face doesn't look like she believes it. EXT. DRUGSTORE - DAY Matt and Katie are messing around with a gumball machine. INT. DRUGSTORE, AISLE - DAY Erin is holding Beth, wandering the aisles. She stops at the medicines, thinks for a long moment, then, hating herself, glances to make sure no one's looking, and picks up a bottle. INT. DRUGSTORE, AT THE REGISTER - DAY As a CUSTOMER steps away from the register, Erin steps up with the bottle in her hand and smiles at the CHECK-OUT LADY. ERIN Hi, remember me? I was in yesterday. Bought a whole mess of stuff? Round about five? CHECK-OUT LADY Honey, it's a zoo here at five. I'm lucky if I even see a face, much less remember it. ERIN Oh, shoot, yeah, I guess that'd be tough. Well, listen, I meant to buy my baby here some medicine, and by the time I got home, I realized I'd bought the adult stuff by mistake. And now, wouldn't you know, I can't find the receipt. I was wondering -- could I maybe exchange it anyway ... INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin feeds Beth her medicine, feeling miserable about it. ERIN Just remember. No matter what your Mamma does, lying and stealing is real bad. I don't ever wanna hear you doing something like that ... On the table beside her sit the classifieds. Row after row of want ads circled, then X-'d out in red. A WATER BUG crawls across the edge of the paper. ERIN ... Cause there's no excuse for it, you hear me? No excuse at all. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Midday. Ed enters with a cup of coffee in his hand. As he heads to his desk, he trips on a box of files. Coffee sloshes out of his cup, onto his shirt. ED Damn it! (calling out) Brenda! She pops her head in. BRENDA Yeah? He grabs a tissue, swabs his shirt, then kicks at the box. ED What the hell is this doing here? BRENDA It's those files you asked for. ED I didn't mean for you to leave them in the middle of the floor. Jesus. Look at me. What do I have this afternoon? BRENDA Nothing you can't show up for with a stain. As Ed checks his reflection in the glass wall of his office, he notices, on the other side: ERIN, standing in the middle of the secretaries' area, in a miniskirt and leather bustier, talking to MARIO, the firm's mentally challenged office boy. Mario heads away from her. ED What's she doing here? BRENDA Who? Ed goes to his office door and waves Mario over. ED Hey -- Mario -- what's she doing here? MARIO She works here. Ed looks back at her -- what the hell? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY The support staff -- mostly middle-aged women -- are all stealing glances at Erin. Ed comes up to her, all friendly. ED Erin! How's it going? Up close, the wear and tear of worry show on her face. ERIN You never called me back. I left messages. ED You did? Wow, sorry about that. (beat) Listen, Mario's a little not so bright. He seems to think that you said -- ERIN There's two things I can't stand, Mr. Masry. Being ignored, and being lied to. You did both. Glances skitter between the secretaries -- get a load of this. Ed lowers his voice. ED I never lied. I may have miscalculated -- that happens sometimes, but -- ERIN You said things would be fine, and they're not. ED I'm sorry about that. Really. But -- ERIN I don't need pity. I need a paycheck. And I've looked, but when you've spent the last six years raising babies, it's real hard to convince someone to give you a job that pays worth a damn. So I figure, since you're the one who said I was gonna be okay, you should be the one to hire me. Ed sees everyone watching him, listening. ED I'd love to help, Erin, but I'm sorry, I have a full staff right now, so -- He starts to escort her out, but she stays put. ERIN Bullshit. If you had a full staff, you'd have time to return your damn phone calls. She's backing him into a corner here. He shifts gears. ED Okay, look. If you really want to apply for a job here, you can do it the way everyone else does. Send in a rÈsumÈ, make an -- ERIN I'm not everyone else, Mr. Masry. I'm someone you made promises to that you didn't deliver on. I trusted you. With my kids' well-being. Now, I'm smart, and I'm hard- working, and I'll do anything. But if you think I'm leaving here without a job, you got another thing coming. Ed glances around the room. Not a whole lot of options here. He looks back at Erin. ED No benefits. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY A tight office lined with file cabinets and shelves. ANNA, the humorless file clerk, is showing Erin around. ANNA ... what we do in here is keep track of all the case files. That way, at any time, we can find out a case's status -- where it is in the office, stuff like that. We file 'em all here, alphabetically -- ERIN Oh, hell. (beat) I'm dyslexic. ANNA That's a joke, right? Erin shakes her head, no. Great, thinks Anna. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY As Anna shows Erin around the office, they pass JANE, the bitter office manager, and Brenda, at the coffee area. JANE Just last week, he told my sister we weren't hiring. BRENDA What's your sister look like? INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT Ed is packing up his office. Erin sticks her head in. ERIN Mr. Masry? He turns, sees her. ED Yeah? ERIN I was wondering -- could you tell me who I'd talk to about maybe getting an advance on my paycheck? Just -- for the weekend. ED Jane's the office manager. She handles payroll and petty cash. But she leaves early on Fridays. ERIN Oh. Okay. That's okay. Ed looks at her a moment, sees that it's far from okay. ED Oh, for Christ's sake ... He takes out his wallet, looks in. ED All I have is hundreds. ERIN I don't wanna take your money, Mr. Masry. ED Bullshit, you don't. He slaps a hundred in her hand and leaves. When he's gone, she looks at the bill -- her life raft -- and gives it a great big kiss. EXT. BABYSITTER'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin is at the door, taking Beth from the BABYSITTER, a shabby, unkempt-looking woman in her 40's. Katie and Matt pull on their backpacks and troop out of the sitter's house. EXT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT Erin is leaving the store, carrying Beth in one arm and a bag of groceries in the other. Katie and Matt are each carrying a bag of groceries as well. They are all singing and moving with the jaunty step of the newly carefree. Katie spots a flower display outside the store. KATIE Mommy, can I get a flower? ERIN Sweetheart, you can get a whole big bunch. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT A small room with Salvation Army furniture. A BUNCH OF DAISIES is propped in a Ragu jar on Katie's bedside table. Matt and Katie are asleep in bed. Erin looks down at them, smiles, then kisses them good-night. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin comes out of the bedroom and softly closes the door. But just as the handle clicks into place, the house is filled with the DEAFENING ROAR of a MOTORCYCLE, REVVING and REVVING. It sounds as if it's gonna drive through the wall. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin steps out onto her front stoop and looks over at what used to be Mrs. Morales's house. A few MOTORCYCLES are parked on the lawn; A FEW BIKERS are drinking beer on the stoop; and one asshole is on his bike, REVVING HIS ENGINE. ERIN Hey! But of course he can't hear her. She walks over to him, stands right in his line of vision. ERIN HEY! He sees her and kills the engine. Everything about GEORGE HALABY is tough -- his denim, his leather, his bike, his long hair. Everything but his eyes, which twinkle like Santa's. GEORGE Well, hello to you, darlin'. ERIN What the hell do you think you're doing, making all that Goddamn noise? GEORGE Just introducing myself to the neighbors. ERIN Well, I'm the neighbors. There, now we're introduced, so you can shut the fuck up. The guys on the porch chuckle. Erin turns and starts back to her house. George hops off his bike and follows her. GEORGE Ooh, now, see, if I'da known there was a beautiful woman next door, I'da done this different. Let's start over. My name's George. What's yours? ERIN Just think of me as the person next door who likes it quiet, and we'll get along fine. GEORGE Now, don't be like that. Tell you what. How about if I take you out on a date to apologize for my rudeness? Erin shakes her head in disbelief and keeps walking. GEORGE Come on. Gimme your number, I'll call you up proper and ask you out and everything. She stops at her porch, turns to him. ERIN You want my number? GEORGE I do. ERIN Which number do you want, George? GEORGE You got more than one? ERIN Shit, yeah. I got numbers coming out of my ears. Like, for instance, ten. GEORGE Ten? ERIN Sure. That's one of my numbers. It's how many months old my little girl is. GEORGE You got a little girl? ERIN Yeah. Sexy, huh? And here's another: five. That's how old my other daughter is. Seven is my son's age. Two is how many times I been married and divorced. You getting all this? 16 is the number of dollars in my bank account. 454-3943 is my phone number. And with all the other numbers I gave you, I'm guessing zero is the number of times you're gonna call it. She turns and heads inside. He calls out after her: GEORGE How the hell do you know your bank balance right off the top of your head like that? See, that impresses me. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Morning. Erin walks in, wearing her usual garb. She passes the coffee area, where Jane, Brenda, and Anna are milling. Brenda sees her, gives Anna a nudge. They both check out her short hem. Anna nudges Jane, who looks as well. Erin glances over just in time to see all three of them staring at her judgementally. She stops in her tracks and stares back. ERIN Y'all got something you wanna discuss? The women go back to stirring their coffees. Erin walks on. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is walking into his office with a coffee cup in his hand when he trips over the same box of files again. ED Damn it! (calling out) Brenda! (no answer) BRENDA! INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY Erin is alone, filing as she talks on the phone. ERIN How long's she been crying like that? ... Well, she's got that tooth coming in -- Ed appears in the door, carrying the box of files. ERIN Give her a cold washcloth to suck on -- (sees Ed) I gotta go -- there's a clean one in that bag -- I'll check back in a bit. (hangs up) Sorry. My kid -- ED Where's Anna? ERIN Out to lunch with the girls. ED Oh. Huh. (beat) Well, look, I got this file I need valued. Real estate thing. A lady has some property next to a PG&E plant that PG&E wants to buy. I need to know what to ask for it. He plunks the box of files on her desk. She stares at it, with no idea of how to go about that. ERIN Oh. Okay. He sees her staring at the box. ED You do know how to do that, don't you? ERIN Yeah. I got it. No problem. ED Good. Ed heads out, but pauses before leaving. ED You're a girl. ERIN Excuse me? ED How come you're not at lunch with the girls? You're a girl. ERIN I guess I'm not the right kind. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - NIGHT Erin is at her desk, staring bewildered at the files from the box Ed gave her, which are now spread across her desktop. She sees Anna packing up her things, to leave. ERIN Anna? With this real-estate valuing stuff - - could you remind me, cause I'm a little confused about how exactly we do that. ANNA (exasperated) Erin, you've been here three weeks. If you don't know how to do your job by now, I am not about to do it for you. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Katie and Matt are running up to the house. Erin follows, toting Beth under one arm and the box of documents under the other. She steps on another water bug. ERIN Ugh. As she wipes the bug guts off the bottom of her shoe: GEORGE (O.S.) Hey, neighbor, wanna beer? She spots George on his stoop, with a six-pack beside him. ERIN No. GEORGE C'mon. I bought 'em for you, to make up for that night. ERIN Return 'em. Maybe you'll get your money back. He gets up and follows her to her house. GEORGE Now, why're you giving me such a hard time? I'm just trying to be a good neighbor. Erin turns to him. The kids are waiting at the door. ERIN I had a good neighbor, George. She was 60 and Mexican and she watched my kids for free. Something tells me you're not gonna be able to measure up to that. GEORGE You need help with your kids? I could probably do that. George reaches out and grabs the box from under her arm. ERIN I'm not gonna leave my kids with you. GEORGE Why not? ERIN Cause I don't even know you. GEORGE Yeah, and whose fault is that? He's got a point there. After a beat: GEORGE What, you got so many friends in this world, you don't have use for one more? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT George is on the floor with Matt and Katie, playing War. Katie points to the Harley emblem on his leather jacket. KATIE What's that stand for? GEORGE That's for Harley Davidson. The best damn motorcycle ever made. Erin comes in from the kitchen. ERIN And if I catch either of you anywhere near one, I'll knock you silly. Go on to bed, now -- I'll come tuck you in in a minute. They get up ... GEORGE Night. KATIE/MATT Night. ... and head into bed. George starts cleaning up the cards. GEORGE Great kids. Erin bends down to help him. ERIN Yeah. I'm probably ruining them. GEORGE How? ERIN I'm never here. I gotta leave 'em with this weird sitter all afternoon who costs a fortune and smells like chicken fat. GEORGE I was serious before, you know. If you need someone to keep an eye on them -- after school or something -- I don't have a job now, so I'm around in the afternoons. ERIN Great. Another deadbeat. GEORGE I'm not a deadbeat. I work when I need to. ERIN Yeah? And what do you do the rest of the time, live off your trust fund? GEORGE I do construction, which pays real good. And I make it last by living cheap. ERIN (with a little laugh) I hope that's not supposed to impress me. GEORGE Are you this hard on everyone who tries to help you? ERIN It's been a while. Maybe I'm just out of practice. GEORGE Then lemme remind you, the polite thing is to say, thank you, that's a real nice offer, I don't mind taking you up on it. ERIN Why in the hell would you want to watch my kids? GEORGE Cause I like kids. I like hanging out with them. ERIN Right. She starts cleaning up the cards. GEORGE I do. I like how they keep it all simple, you know? They don't get all complicated about life, like grown-ups do. A bicycle and an ice cream cone -- boom, done, they're happy. Erin thinks about the offer. ERIN You're around every afternoon? GEORGE Yup. Usually working on my bike. (she's tempted) No big deal. If it doesn't work out, you can send 'em back to the chicken fat lady. Tempting. Erin looks him over. ERIN This isn't gonna get you laid, you know. GEORGE (with a laugh) Yeah, we'll just see about that, won't we? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The wee hours. Erin's in a t-shirt, sitting on her mattress on the floor. The paperwork from the box is now spread all over the floor around her. She's reading a letter. CLOSE ON THE LETTER It's from PG&E, to Donna and Peter Irving. We see the phrases, "purchase your house ...", "fair market value ..." CLOSE ON ANOTHER DOCUMENT It's a list of comparable house sales in the area. Owner, cost; owner, cost. Every house is in the $65,000 range. From another room, she hears the sound of BETH CRYING. Still reading the file, Erin gets up and goes into: INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BETH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Still reading, Erin gets Beth out of her crib. Beth quiets. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin lies down on the mattress and rests Beth on her chest. She sets down the file she was reading and picks up another. CLOSE ON THE FILE It contains a letter from a Dr. Howard Reeves. The first paragraph contains the phrase "... medical examination of Donna and Peter Irving ..." Toward the end of the letter, there are two columns. One is headed: "IN RANGE". The other: "OUT OF RANGE". Under that head appear the following: "lymphocytes, T-lymphocytes, natural killer cells, T Helpers, T8 suppresser cells". Erin stares at it, confused. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY Erin is talking to Jane, who's pouring herself coffee. ERIN It was in this real estate file I'm valuing. And -- see, I know they're the medical records from the people selling the house -- but it talks about things like lymphocytes and T8 suppressers. Erin sees Ed pass behind Jane. She lowers her voice, so he won't see her asking for help. ERIN I mean, it's not a problem or anything, but -- I'm just a little unclear on what those things are. I thought maybe you'd know. JANE What do I look like, Erin? A library? And Jane walks away with her coffee. EXT. UCLA MAIN LIBRARY - DAY Large. Looming. Very establishment. Through the windows, we see Erin at the desk, talking to a LIBRARIAN. She has the file in her hands. Over this: ROSALIND (O.S.) Masry & Vititoe, can I help you? ERIN (O.S.) Hi, Rosalind, this is Erin. Brockovich. From the file room? I was wondering if you could tell Mr. Masry that I'm following up on that real estate thing out of the office. The librarian gives her directions to somewhere else. EXT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY Smaller, but still establishment. Erin's Hyundai pulls into the parking lot. INT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY Erin is at the reference desk, eating a candy bar while she talks to the LIBRARIAN. He checks something on the computer. A couple of WHITE-COATED MEDICAL STUDENTS pass her, double- taking. They don't see many like her around here. INT. UCLA SCIENCE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY A long, academic hallway lit by fluorescents. Erin gets off an elevator and heads down the hall. She finds a door with a nameplate that reads "Jim Paulsen, Epidemiology" and KNOCKS. The door opens and DR. JIM PAULSEN appears. He's a classic scientist: unruly hair, thick glasses. Nothing like Erin has ever shown up at his door. He reels at the sight of her. ERIN Dr. Paulsen? PAULSEN Yes? ERIN Hi, I'm Erin Brockovich. I was just over in the library there, asking a mess of questions about -- I guess they call it epidemiology? -- and the fella there told me to find you, cause you know all about it. PAULSEN (suspicious) Is this a joke? Did Baxter put you up to this? ERIN Who's Baxter? PAULSEN He did, didn't he? Baxter! BAXTER, another scientist, leans out of a door down the hall. BAXTER Yeah? Baxter and Erin look at each other. No recognition, of course. Paulsen is immediately embarrassed. PAULSEN Oh. Oh. ERIN No one put me up to anything. I was just hoping I could ask you a couple questions. PAULSEN (mortified) Of course! Oh, gosh, of course -- INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY Orderly chaos. Dr. Paulsen, still recovering, has Erin's file in his hands. Erin is sitting across from him. PAULSEN Well, look, there isn't a ton of information here, but from what there is, I'd say that these two people here -- what are their names? Shanna and Ashley? ERIN Right, I guess those are the kids -- PAULSEN They've both got some immune system problem. Can't say what from, whether it's viral or genetic or what, but something's wrong. And these guys -- Donna and Peter -- ERIN Their parents, I'm pretty sure. PAULSEN Well, from what this stuff says, I'd say they both have some form of cancer. Wow. That's more serious than Erin was expecting. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE ON THE FILE on the kitchen counter. The Irvings' phone number is written on the front. A PHONE IS RINGING. ERIN (O.S.) Whoa, whoa! Easy, easy, easy -- WIDEN to see Erin, phone to her ear, grabbing a carton of juice from Matt and Katie, who are fighting over it at the table. Just as she takes it from them, the phone picks up. DONNA'S VOICE (O.S.) Hi! You've reached the Irvings. Leave a message and we'll get back to you just as soon as we can. Bye-bye. BEEP. Erin thinks a bit, then hangs up and looks at the file. Scrawled on the cover is the Irvings' address, in Hinkley, California. EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - DAY The beat-up old Hyundai heads east out of L.A. DISCO MUSIC blares from its speakers. EXT. HINKLEY, CA - DAY This is a dry, desolate part of California. No downtown, no community. Just tract after tract of arid farmland, with small, bland, unprotected ranch home cropping up out of the landscape like occasional tombstones. A beat-up old sign on the road reads: "HINKLEY, CA. POP: " but the corner where the number would be has broken off. As a gust of wind lifts dust from the fields, Erin turns onto Community Boulevard, the main road that cuts through Hinkley. INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - DAY Erin looks around. The house she's passing has been razed. A heap of lumber and wires in the middle of the property. As she checks the piece of paper with Donna's address, she drives by the PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION, a massive gray structure of pipes, chimneys and ladders, set way back from the road. Erin passes it without noticing it. She stops at an intersection. The house on the corner has been boarded up with plywood. Erin notices it -- depressing -- then turns the corner onto Donna's street. EXT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE - DAY A generic ranch home standing all alone in the middle of nothing. There's a pool out back and a chain link fence hugging the property. No landscaping. Dull, but clean. A few BOTTLES OF SPRING WATER wait by the door. The Hyundai pulls into the driveway and stops. Erin gets out. As she heads up to the door, her spike heels sink into the dirt. She rings the bell. It has a melody chime. DONNA IRVING opens the door. She's 35, petite, with a scrappy, high-strung manner. She's wearing tight jeans, and her dark curls are piled on top of her head. ERIN Hi. Donna Irving? DONNA Yes? ERIN I'm Erin Brockovich, from Masry & Vititoe? DONNA (a little surprised) You're a lawyer? ERIN Hell, no. I hate lawyers. I just work for them. You got a minute? INT. THE IRVINGS' HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY The house is furnished with little money, but lots of care. Erin's on a plaid couch, in a sea of needlepoint pillows. Out back, two GIRLS, ages 9 and 11, are playing in a pool. ERIN This is a real nice place you got here. DONNA (O.S.) Well it oughta be, with all the work I put into it. She comes out from the kitchen with a tray of iced tea. DONNA I added air conditioning, put in the pool, made all those pillows by hand ... ERIN Yeah? I should learn to do stuff like that. They make the place feel real homey. Donna corrects the positioning on a couple of pillows. DONNA Thank you. I think so too. That's why I'm being such a stickler on this house price thing. I don't mean to be a pain in PG&E's backside, especially after all they've done for Hinkley, but I look around here and I think, if they want this place, they're gonna have to pay for it. And I don't just mean pay for the house; I'd like them to pay me for the trouble of starting over. ERIN Right. DONNA Cause first you gotta move, then there's decorating, and if the windows aren't the same size, you know -- you're making all new curtains. Honest to God, I don't know if I have the energy. You know, I've been sick. Me and Peter both have. ERIN Yeah, I'm real glad you brought that up. I was going through your file here, and I ran into these medical records. They kinda surprised me -- This would be the perfect opportunity for many to get self- pitying. But not Donna. Life's handed her a shitload of lemons, and darned if she hasn't made a shitload of lemonade. DONNA I know. They're more than a bit unusual. See, two years ago, Pete got Hodgkin's disease. That's a kind of cancer -- ERIN Yeah, I'm real sorry to hear that. DONNA Thank you. It's in remission now, thank the Lord, but you never know. And then while that's going on, I end up having to have a hysterectomy. Plus a whole mess of lumps removed from my breasts. All benign so far, but still, no matter how positive you stay, an operation can still take it out of you. ERIN I'll say. Holy moley. DONNA So the whole idea of selling the house -- don't get me wrong, I'd be glad to move to some better place, but if they aren't gonna pay us properly, I just don't see the point. ERIN Yeah, I can see that. (beat) I guess the only thing that confused me is - - not that your medical problems aren't important, but -- how come the files about them are in with all the real estate stuff? Donna tops off their iced teas. DONNA Are you kidding? With how our lives are, if I start subdividing files, I'll be sunk. I just kept all PG&E correspondence in one place. ERIN Right, but -- I'm sorry, I don't see why you were corresponding with PG&E about it in the first place. DONNA Well, they paid for the doctor's visit. ERIN They did? DONNA You bet. Paid for a check-up for the whole family. And not like with insurance where you pay, then wait a year to be reimbursed, either. They just took care of it. Just like that. We never even saw a bill. ERIN Wow. Why would they do that? DONNA Cause of the chromium. ERIN The what? DONNA The chromium. Well, that's what kicked this whole thing off. INT. IRVING HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY CLOSE ON A BOX, with "CHROM INFO" scrawled on it. DONNA (O.S.) PG&E came around a few years ago, told us they put chromium in our well by mistake. And since we shouldn't have to drink it if we don't want to, they gave us free spring water and offered to buy our house. WIDEN to see Donna pulling the box down into the room. ERIN What's chromium? DONNA It's a chemical they used over at that compressor station up the road there. ERIN Well, hell, maybe that's why you all have been so sick -- DONNA I thought the same thing, right off the bat. That's why we went to see the doctor. But hunh-uh. Turns out one's got nothing to do with the other. She rifles through the box. DONNA This is the info they gave us. You'll see if you look through it, chromium's good for you. When I saw what they charged for it at the health-food stores, I about fainted. She hands Erin a printed fact sheet. Erin scans it. ERIN Seems like an awful big coincidence -- your water being messed with and you being so sick. DONNA Not around here. This is a rough part of the world. Hard times, not a lot of money, not a lot of luck. (beat) It's a challenge, staying healthy in a town like this. Heck, even our dogs up and die. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin's driving away from Donna's house. A street lamp throws light on the box of chromium documents in the passenger seat. She gets to an intersection and looks across the street at the massive COMPRESSOR STATION. Six stories high, lit up like a Christmas tree, with all sizes of PIPES criss-crossing the outside and GIANT COOLING TOWERS sticking up out of it. Far more massive than anything else in town, it looms over the horizon like the Capitol in D.C. or St. Peter's in Rome. Erin takes a long look at the compressor station, then turns onto Community Boulevard and drives away. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin is holding Beth, making her a bottle, when she hears NOISES coming from outside. She follows them. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin opens the door to find George attaching bars to her windows. ERIN What're you doing? GEORGE Better safe than sorry. She shakes her head, amused by his persistence. ERIN You want some coffee, George? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT George follows Erin in. GEORGE I'm gonna put a dead bolt on your front door, too. This isn't exactly the safest neighborhood in the world, you know. ERIN Thanks for reminding me. GEORGE I guess we get what we pay for, huh? Erin pours him some coffee, hands it to him. ERIN You think it could make you sick, living in a place like this? GEORGE What do you mean? George settles in, helps himself to sugar. ERIN I was talking to this lady -- she and her husband both got cancer, and she thinks it's cause they live in a bad neighborhood. You think that's possible? That living in a bad neighborhood could give you cancer? George laughs a little at the thought. GEORGE Man, I hope not. You got enough damn problems. But Erin's still mulling it over. EXT. NORTHRIDGE, ERIN'S BLOCK - DAY Erin clips down the block in short-shorts and high-heeled boots. Up ahead a few of DOWN-ON-THEIR-LUCK MEN are out on a stoop, drinking their breakfast. Erin approaches them. ERIN Hi, y'all -- how you doing today? MAN 1 Hangin' in, baby. How about yourself? ERIN I'm okay, I'm just fine. I was wondering -- could I maybe ask you a couple questions? She settles down on the stoop with them for a chat. INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY Dr. Paulsen and Erin are sitting, talking. He's thrilled to have her back in his office. ERIN ... and when I realized our area's just as bad as Hinkley, I thought maybe my neighbors are all sick too. So I went and asked. PAULSEN (surprised) You did? Erin digs a pad of paper out of her bag. ERIN Uh-huh. Spent the last few days knocking on doors. And you know what? They're not. (reads from the pad) I mean, they got problems, but none of this cancer stuff. And their pets are fine. So I don't know -- I just can't shake the feeling that it wasn't no multivitamin they put in the water. PAULSEN Well, if you're talking about contamination, you're getting out of my area of expertise. Let me give you the name of a toxicologist friend of mine over at USC. Paulsen reaches for a notepad, scrawls on it. INT. UCLA MEDICAL BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Paulsen is seeing Erin out of his office. PAULSEN I gotta say, Erin -- first time I saw you, I did not peg you as the kind to go off and conduct her own epidemiological study. ERIN Don't go telling anyone. It'll ruin my reputation. EXT. USC CAMPUS - DAY Erin towers over DAVID FRANKEL as she walks across campus with him. He's the grittier variety of scientist: Patagonia, Birkenstocks, bushy beard. He's as dry as dust, and as much as Dr. Paulsen responded to Erin, Frankel barely notices her. FRANKEL What kind of chromium is it? ERIN There's more than one kind? FRANKEL Yes. There's straight-up chromium -- does all kinds of good things for the body. There's chrom 3, which is fairly benign, and then there's chrom 6, hexavalent chromium, which, depending on the amounts, can be very harmful. ERIN Harmful, like -- how? What would you get? FRANKEL With repeated exposure to toxic levels -- God, anything, really -- respiratory disease, liver failure, heart failure, reproductive failure, chronic headaches, bone or organ deterioration -- plus, of course, any type of cancer. He rattles it off coolly. Just facts. Erin's stunned. ERIN So that stuff -- it kills people. FRANKEL Oh, yeah. Definitely. Highly toxic, highly carcinogenic. Bad, bad stuff. ERIN Well, how do I find out what kind of chromium is up in Hinkley? FRANKEL Have you been to the water board? ERIN Hunh-uh. What's that? FRANKEL Every county has one. They keep records of anything water-related within their jurisdiction. You should be able to find something there. ERIN County water board. All righty, thanks. FRANKEL Good luck. (beat) Oh -- I wouldn't advertise what you're looking for if I were you ... His line continues over: EXT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL WATER BOARD - DAY Erin's Hyundai pulls up and stops in a cloud of dust. FRANKEL (O.S.) ... Incriminating records have a way of disappearing when people smell trouble. Erin hops out, checks her reflection in the side-view mirror, then heads into the building. INT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL COUNTY WATER BOARD - DAY Drab, government-issue. ROSS, the bored desk clerk is thumbing his way through ROAD & TRACK. Just as he stops to stare at a motor oil ad in which a buxom blonde is straddling the hood of a car, the huge door opens and Erin enters. ERIN Whew! Goddamn, that's a heavy door. Ross looks up. It's like the girl from the ad walked right off the page. He jumps up, to help her with the door. ROSS Oh, hey -- lemme give you a hand there. ERIN Thank you very much. Aren't you a gentleman? Mr. ... ROSS Ross. ERIN Ross. Real pleased to meet you. I'm Erin. She smiles. He can't believe his luck. ROSS Erin. Cool. What can I do for you, Erin? ERIN Well, believe it or not, I am on the prowl for some water records. ROSS (with a laugh) You come to the right place. ERIN (laughing along) I guess I did. ROSS You just tell me what you want to look at and I'll be glad to dig 'em out for you. ERIN I wish I knew. It's for my boss. He's fighting his water bill, and he wants me to find all manner of bills from all kinds of places. The easiest thing would probably be if I just squeezed back there with you and poked around myself. Would that be okay? ROSS Heck, yeah. Come on back. Just gonna need you to sign in here -- He hands her a pen. He reads over her shoulder as she signs her name -- Erin Pattee Brockovich. ROSS Pattee? That your middle name? ERIN Nope. Maiden. ROSS (disappointed) You're married. ERIN Not anymore. She smiles and winks at him, then goes around the counter with him and looks at the stacks and stacks of files. ERIN Well. Here goes nothing. She heads down an aisle, reading the spines of the files. They're all town names -- Barstow, Victorville, Oro Grande, Helendale -- in no particular order. Finally, Erin spots one that says Hinkley. She pulls it down. IN THE FILE are pages and pages of Xeroxed memoranda, letters, charts, graphs, handwritten notes. All shoved in willy-nilly. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY George is watching a football game on TV. He's just put TV dinners on the floor in front of the Matt and Katie. MATT Our mom gives us sandwiches on Fridays. GEORGE That's a sandwich. KATIE No, it's not! GEORGE Sure it is. Here, I'll show you. He picks up Matt's chicken, tears it in two ... GEORGE Most people think a sandwich's gotta have bread on the outside. Not true. Chicken is a perfectly good outside for a sandwich. ... then places the broccoli neatly between the halves. GEORGE See? Katie and Matthew look at it, then up at George, and smile. This guy just might be all right, after all. EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT It's gotten dark. Erin's Hyundai's still there. INT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT Erin is on the floor, her legs stretched out in front of her. She has a bunch of files open and spread across the floor. The one in her hand has caught her attention. INSERT ON THE PAPER It's a memo titled "CLEAN-UP AND ABATEMENT ORDER" from the water board to PG&E. Erin is concentrating hard on it, reading laboriously to herself. ERIN (O.S.) "... On December 7, 1987, the discharger notified the regional board and the San Bernardino County Environmental Health Services of the discovery of 0.58 ppm of hexavalent chromium in an on-site ground water monitoring well ..." (beat) ... hexavalent ... INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY CLOSE ON A XEROX OF THE ABATEMENT ORDER. WIDEN to see it is on top of a stack of papers that Erin is carrying as she enters the office. She has an efficient air about her -- a sense of purpose. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY Erin swoops in, ready to work, only to find her desk cleared off. She turns to Anna, who's already hard at work. ERIN Where's my stuff? Anna looks up. ANNA Where've you been? ERIN What the fuck did you do with my stuff? ANNA Don't use language with me -- But Erin's out the door before Anna can finish her sentence. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY JANE is at her desk. Erin barrels in. ERIN Someone stole my stuff. JANE Nice to see you, Erin. We've missed you. ERIN I had photos of my kids, plus a mug -- Jane reaches under her desk for a box, looks through it. JANE -- toothbrush, toothpaste, and a pair of hose. Here. ERIN What's going on? JANE There may be jobs where you can disappear for days at a time, but this isn't one of them. Here, if you don't do the work, you don't get to stay. She hands her the box. Erin doesn't take it. ERIN I've been working. Shit, that's all I've been doing. Ask Mr. Masry. He knows. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed's at his desk, dialing the phone when Erin barrels in. ERIN You said to fire me? He sets down the receiver. ED Erin, you've been gone for a week. ERIN I left a message. I've been dealing with that real estate thing. I was gonna write up a whole damn report and -- ED That's not how we work here. You don't just leave a message and take off. Jane follows her in, still carrying the box of stuff. ERIN What am I supposed to do, check in every two seconds? JANE Yes. It's called accountability. ERIN I am not talking to you, bitch. JANE Excuse me? ED Okay, enough -- (beat) Now, look, Erin -- this incident aside, I don't think this is the right place for you. So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on your behalf. Find you something else, okay? ERIN Don't bother. She turns to Jane, takes her box, and heads out. ED Come on, I'm trying to help here. ERIN Bullshit. You're trying to feel less guilty about firing someone with three kids to feed. Fuck if I'll help you do that. And she leaves. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY As Erin heads for the door, pleased glances fly from secretary to secretary. Erin reaches the door, but can't open it with the box in her arms. She turns to the room. ERIN I don't suppose any one of you cunts could open the fucking door for me. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY Erin's Hyundai rumbles to a stop in front of the house. Erin shoves open the creaky, reluctant door, lifts her box of stuff off the seat, and gets out. As she walks around the car and toward the house, she runs into the MAILMAN. He hands her a packet of mail. MAILMAN Here ya go, Miz Brockovich. Erin looks at the top of the stack. It's the electric bill. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Erin enters, puts down the box and stares at the mail. Bills, bills, and more bills. As she throws them on the table, she sees George coming out of the kitchen. ERIN What are you doing here? GEORGE Fixing a leak under your sink. She heads into the kitchen, weary and irritated. ERIN I didn't ask you to do that. Damn it, George, I don't ask you to do things like that. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Erin enters, sees all the cleaning stuff from under the sink is spread around the kitchen floor. A tool box lies open. ERIN Great. GEORGE I'm gonna clean it up. Erin gets down on her knees and starts putting things away. GEORGE Relax, Erin, I'll do it -- I'm not -- Before he can finish, a huge WATER BUG runs onto Erin's hand. ERIN Ugh -- Jesus -- She jumps and brushes it off. GEORGE Yeah -- you had a whole family of those things hanging out back there. She takes off her shoe and smacks at the bug, missing it. ERIN Damn it -- The bug skitters away from her, along the floorboard. Erin chases it, smacking at it repeatedly, missing it every time. GEORGE Don't worry about it, I'll get it later. But Erin keeps after it, corralling all her frustrations into killing that one bug. ERIN Come here, you little motherfucker -- The bug crawls up onto the table, zipping behind the salt, the pepper, the napkin holder. Erin keeps after it, BANGING the table harder and harder with each SMACK of her shoe. GEORGE Hey, whoa -- relax -- The salt and pepper skid off the table. The napkins fly from their holder. Just as Erin's about to nail the bug, it slips into a crack in the wall and disappears. Erin hurls her shoe at the crack. It SMASHES into the wall. ERIN GOD DAMN IT! As Erin stands there staring at the wall, her breath starts to come heavily -- those deep breaths that precede tears. She slowly slides down into a chair, defeat overcoming her. ERIN (almost a whisper) ... God damn it. She looks around at her for-shit kitchen and starts to cry. ERIN What kind of person lives like this? Huh? What kind of person lets her kids run around in a house crawling with bugs the size of housecats? GEORGE It's a simple thing. Everybody gets them. All we gotta do is call an exterminator. ERIN I can't call an exterminator. I can't afford one. God, I can't even afford my phone. (beat) I got fired. GEORGE What? But you been working so hard -- ERIN Doesn't matter. Doesn't make one bit of difference. (then, fragile) Oh God, George, how'd this happen to me? How'd I end up so ... so nothing? George picks a napkin up off the floor, hands it to her. GEORGE You're not nothing, Erin. ERIN Well, I'm sure as hell not what I thought I was gonna be. I was supposed to have one of those great lives, with everything all laid- out and perfect. I mean, hell -- I was Miss Wichita, for God's sakes. Did I tell you that? You live next door to a real live beauty queen. (wipes her nose) I still got the tiara. I kept it cause I thought it meant something. I thought it meant I was gonna do something great with my life. I thought it proved I was gonna grow up to be someone. GEORGE You are someone. ERIN No I'm not. Look at me. I'm not. GEORGE You're someone to me. (beat) You're someone real special to me. He takes a step toward her and kneels in front of her, very close. He takes her shoe from her hand and puts it back on her foot. Then he takes her hands in his and kisses them. ERIN I'm no good, George. I make people miserable. But he kisses her anyway. And for the first time in so long, she feels like something other than a failure. He pulls her into him, and she lets herself be pulled. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY Erin and George are in bed, naked, curled around each other. GEORGE Man. Even your earlobes are beautiful. He kisses one. ERIN Don't be too nice to me, okay? It makes me nervous. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is at his desk. The PHONE RINGS. And RINGS. And RINGS. ED Brenda! (no answer) BRENDA! Nothing. Ed growls in frustration, then gets the phone. ED Yeah, Ed Masry here ... She doesn't work here anymore. Who's this? INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY CLOSE ON THE TABLE, where Beth is bobbing in her baby chair. On one side of her is a heap of bills with "PAST DUE" and "PLEASE REMIT" stamped on them. On the other, the well- thumbed CLASSIFIED SECTION, with circles and X's all over it. The DOORBELL rings. Erin swoops in and picks up Beth. ERIN Come on, baby. Maybe that's Ed McMahon. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY Erin carries Beth over to the front door, spies through the peephole, and sees Ed standing there. She opens the door. ERIN What are you doing here? ED I got an interesting call this afternoon. It was from a Dr. Frankel. ERIN Oh, yeah? ED He wanted you to know the legal limit for hexavalent chromium, is .05 parts per million. And that at the rate you mentioned, .58, it could be responsible for the cancers in that family you asked about. The Irvings. ERIN Well, that was nice of him. Isn't it funny how some people go out of their way to help people and others just give 'em the ax? ED Look, I'm sorry. You were gone. I just assumed you were off having fun. ERIN Now, why in the hell would you assume that? ED I don't know. Maybe cause you look like someone who has a lot of fun. ERIN Boy, are you ever a shitty judge of people. Ed takes a beat, copping to the charge. ED So what's the story on this thing? This cancer stuff? ERIN You wanna know, you gotta hire me back. I got a lot of bills to pay. He glares at her. Realizes he has no choice. ED Fine. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER Erin has let Ed in. They're sitting. ED But, PG&E told her about the chromium? ERIN They told her something, but it can't have been too specific, cause I talked to her, and she sure didn't think her water was bad. ED So what made you think it was? ERIN It doesn't take a genius to look at those medical records and think something's wrong. ED What medical records? ERIN The ones in the box of files. (off Ed's blank look) The box of files? The one from your office? ED I didn't see any medical records in there. ERIN Boy, you musta really fine-tooth-combed it then, huh? (to herself) And you fired me. Jesus. Ed thinks for a moment. ED That document you found, the one that says it was the bad chromium -- you didn't happen to make a copy did you? ERIN Course I did. ED Lemme see it, will you? Before getting it for him, she looks at him, weighs her odds. ERIN I want a raise. And benefits. Including dental. ED Look, Erin, this is not the way I do business, this extortion nonsense. Erin doesn't budge. ED Okay. A 5% raise, and -- ERIN Ten. (off his look) There's a lot of other places I could work. ED A ten percent raise and benefits. But that's it. I'm drawing the line. She goes to her box of stuff from the office and digs out the document for him. He scans it. ED This is the only thing you found? ERIN So far. But that place is a pig sty. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more. ED Find out. EXT. 10 FREEWAY - DAY Erin's Hyundai zips along the freeway. "Funky Town" is blaring from the tinny stereo. Over it: MATTHEW (O.S.) I hate this music. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin's driving. Matthew's in the front seat. Katie and Beth (in a car seat) are in the back. ERIN There's no way a son of mine hates Funky Town. It's impossible. MATTHEW Well I hate it. KATIE I hate it too. I hate this trip. ERIN Oh, come on, where's your sense of adventure? We're going someplace you never been before. KATIE I'm gonna hate it. MATTHEW Me too. She glances at them, frowns a little. ERIN You know what I'm realizing for the first time? You kids are a couple of downers. I mean, you are the real thing -- a couple of honest-to-God depresso-types. (small smile) Who in the heck raised you, anyway? Some kind of moron? Katie smiles a little. She likes this side of her mom. KATIE Yeah. A real moron. ERIN Some kind of half-wit, no-good, big-haired, bimbo, I bet. MATTHEW (also smiling) Yeah. ERIN Thank God we got you away from her, huh? By now they're all smiling. Funky Town plays on. EXT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY The Hyundai is parked at the entrance to the station, by a row of dead trees. Erin is standing beside a sign that says "Private Property. No Trespassing", taking pictures of the massive structure in the distance. Matthew, Katie, and Beth are drawing in the dirt with sticks. ERIN Stay out of the road. I'll be right back. She wanders up the drive, onto PG&E property, moving around the plant, taking pictures of it from every possible angle. As she wanders over a big, flat, dry field to the side of the plant, she glances over her shoulder to check on her kids and notices the trail she made in the dirt has a greenish hue. She looks at the dirt right her feet. Kicks the ground. Below the surface, the dirt turns from brown to green. Erin notes this, then looks back at her kids playing in the dirt. Worry comes over her face. She heads back to them. EXT. HINKLEY MART - DAY The kids are waiting at the car. Erin comes out of the store with a bottle of water and uses it to rinse off their hands. EXT. WATER BOARD - DAY The sound of a BABY CRYING. The Hyundai's parked in front. MATTHEW (O.S.) I'm hungry. INT. WATER BOARD - DAY Erin is at the Xerox machine, copying a file while she tries to calm Beth. There's a stack of files on the nearby table. Matthew and Katie are flopping around on the floor. ERIN We'll go eat in a minute. Settle down. Whining, fussing. Ross goes over to her. ROSS You know what, Erin? I got nothing but time here. Why don't you let me do that for you, and you can get your kids some dinner. ERIN Ross -- you are an absolute angel. She hands Ross the STACK OF DOCUMENTS. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY Ed comes in in the morning, and without pausing, hands Brenda a copy of the STACK OF DOCUMENTS, with a Post-it on the top. ED Fax these to this number, okay? BRENDA All of 'em? ED All of them. He continues into his office and closes the door. CLOSE ON THE FAX MACHINE LED Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up on the LED: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. INT. IRVING HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Another copy of those DOCUMENTS, now in Donna's hands. She's on her couch with Erin, reading them. Outside, Donna's two daughters are playing in the pool. She reads the last page and looks up at Erin, bewildered. DONNA An on-site monitoring well? That means -- ERIN It was right up on the PG&E property over there. DONNA And you say this stuff, this hexavalent chromium -- it's poisonous? ERIN Yeah. DONNA Well -- then it's gotta be a different than what's in our water, cause ours is okay. The guys from PG&E told me. They sat right in the kitchen and said it was fine. ERIN I know. But the toxicologist I been talking to? He gave me a list of problems that can come from hexavalent chromium exposure. And everything you all have is on that list. Donna resists this idea hard. DONNA No. Hunh-uh, see, that's not what the doctor said. He said one's got absolutely nothing to do with the other. ERIN Right, but -- didn't you say he was paid by PG&E? Donna sits quietly, trying to make sense of this. The only sound is the LAUGHING and SPLASHING from the pool out back. Then, gradually, Donna realizes what it is she's hearing -- her kids playing in toxic water. She jumps up ... DONNA ASHLEY! SHANNA! ... and runs out to the pool. Erin follows her. EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY From the door, Erin watches Donna run to the edge of the pool in a frantic response to this news. DONNA OUT OF THE POOL! BOTH OF YOU, OUT OF THE POOL, RIGHT NOW! SHANNA How come? DONNA CAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY, NOW GET OUT! OUT! NOW!!! Erin watches compassionately as Donna flails to get her kids out of the contaminated water. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY It's morning. Ed is checking the lie of his tie in his reflection in the window. Erin is on his couch, high-heeled legs stretched out in front of her. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - CONTINUOUS Jane is delivering paychecks. When Brenda gets to her desk, Jane tips her head toward Ed's office, as if to say, check it out. Brenda peers in and sees Erin. BRENDA What's she doing here? JANE He hired her back. With a raise. BRENDA What?? Why? JANE Well, let's see. It's not cause she's smart, and it's not cause she's professional. That leaves ... Brenda's stunned. Takes a beat. Makes assumptions. BRENDA And dumb old me thought working hard and being loyal was the way to get ahead. INT. ED'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Ed is still checking his reflection. ED I'm telling you, the minute Brenda sent the fax -- I'm talking the second she pressed that send button -- PG&E claims department is on the phone to me, scheduling a meeting. ERIN So you think we got 'em scared? ED It sure as hell sounded like they were sitting up and taking notice. Brenda pops her head in, ignores Erin. BRENDA David Baum from PG&E is at reception. Erin feels the chill Brenda's sending her way. ERIN Nice to see you again, too, Brenda. Brenda leaves without acknowledging Erin. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Ed and Erin come out and see DAVID BAUM waiting at reception. Forget law school, this kid looks like he's just out of twelfth grade. Not a hair on his chin. His suit and shoes look brand new. ERIN Not to question your judgment or anything, Mr. Masry, but -- that doesn't exactly look like sitting up and taking notice to me. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ed and Erin are seated across the table from Baum. To say this kid lacks authority is a gross understatement. He doesn't talk; he squeaks. BAUM ... in the interest of putting this whole thing to rest, PG&E is willing to offer the Irvings 250,000 dollars for their home. Ed laughs a little in disbelief. ED 250,000? BAUM In terms of land value out in Hinkley, Mr. Masry, we feel it's a more than fair price. ED What about in terms of medical expenses? 250,000 doesn't come close to what this family's gonna have to spend on doctors. BAUM I understand they've had a bad run of luck, health-wise, and they have my sympathies. But that's not PG&E's fault. ED You're kidding, right? (Baum doesn't answer) Look at these readings for Christ's sake. PG&E's own technicians documented toxic levels of hexavalent chromium in those test wells, on numerous occasions. Ed shoves them across the table. Baum doesn't look at them. ED Everything the Irvings have had is a proven reaction to exposure to hexavalent chromium. They've had ... He stalls a moment. Erin jumps in. ERIN -- breast cysts, uterine cancer, Hodgkin's disease, immune deficiencies, asthma, chronic nosebleeds. Despite their persuasiveness, Baum parrots what is obviously the party line: BAUM A million things could have caused those problems. Poor diet, bad genes, irresponsible lifestyle. Our offer is final and more than fair. ED Wait a minute -- I thought we were negotiating here. BAUM 250,000 is all I'm authorized to offer. Ed looks across at this pissant little kid. ED (to himself) Jesus Christ. (he stands, to leave) I will present your offer to my clients. I doubt they'll accept it. As Ed starts out: BAUM Mr. Masry, before you go off on some crusade, you might want to remember who it is you're dealing with here. PG&E is a 28- billion dollar corporation. ED (containing his anger) Thanks. I'll keep it in mind. And Ed leaves the conference room. Erin follows him out. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Erin follows Ed as he stomps back to his office. ERIN At least they made an offer. ED That wasn't an offer. A million would've been an offer. When they send the God damn mail clerk down to jerk me off, waste my time, it's a fuck you. ERIN I don't get why they'd do that. ED Because they can. You heard that kid -- they have 28 billion dollars at their disposal. They can afford to waste all the time in the world. ERIN And you can't? ED What, you think I'm made of money? Behind them, Baum steps out of the conference room. BAUM Hey, you know where I can get a cab? My plane leaves Burbank in forty-five minutes. Ed turns and looks at him. He gets a tiny smile. ED Tell you what, why don't you go on over to reception, tell them I said Mario should take you to the airport. BAUM Hey, excellent. Thanks. Baum heads out to the reception area. ERIN Mr. Masry, Mario gets lost going to the bathroom. They'll be driving around the valley for hours. ED (gleeful) Yeah. Isn't that a shame? She watches him go into his office, impressed. Big smile. ERIN Well I'll be God damned. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT End of the day. Most everyone has left. Erin is at her new work space near Ed's office. She's poring over a fat file of documents. ROSALIND wanders by with her coat on. ROSALIND You've been reading for hours. ERIN I'm a slow reader, on account of the fact that I look at the word "dog" and see "god". ROSALIND Hey, just so long as you see Him. Rosalind turns on Erin's desk lamp and heads out. Outside the big glass office doors, Rosalind stops to talk to a lost-looking COUPLE IN THEIR MID-30's. These are MANDY and TOM BROWN. He's a security guard uniform, with an envelope under his arm. Rosalind points to Erin. The Browns enter the office and approach her. MANDY Excuse me, are you Erin Brockovich? ERIN Yeah. Who are you? TOM I'm Tom Brown. This is my wife Mandy. We used to live across the street from the Irvings. PG&E bought our house last year. INT. ERIN'S DESK - LATER CLOSE ON photos of chickens, each with a twisted, limp neck. TOM It's called wry neck. It's when they're born without any muscles in the neck. WIDEN to see Erin looking at them with Tom and Mandy. ERIN Wow. How many were born like this? TOM Twelve, maybe thirteen. MANDY When Donna told us about you, and what you told her about the chromium, we figured that might have something to do with this, too. ERIN It sure could, yeah. Thanks a lot. She tucks them into a file, as if that's it. MANDY There's something else, too. ERIN What? TOM Well. Mandy here's had nine miscarriages. ERIN Are you kidding? My God -- MANDY I know. It's an awful lot. ERIN I'm surprised Donna didn't say anything. TOM She doesn't know. No one does. It's not something you want to talk about, you know? MANDY I figured it musta been something I did, like when I smoked marijuana, maybe. Or took birth control pills. But then Donna told me you thought this chromium might be to blame for her problems, so I figured ... INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Matt and Katie are in bed, with the light off. Erin comes in, quietly, in clothes from work. ERIN Hey. You guys still awake? CLOSE ON MATT AND KATIE. They're awake and pissed. ERIN Come on, now. No faking. George told me he just shut out the light a few seconds ago. They still don't answer. She comes in and sits on a bed. ERIN Look, I know you're mad. But the way this job is, things come up at the last minute, real important things, and I gotta deal with them. Now I don't like me missing dinner any more than you do, but we're all gonna have to get used to it, cause the fact is, it's gonna happen sometimes. KATIE It happens all the time. ERIN That's not true; we had dinner together just last night. MATT You were reading the whole time. He's got a point there. Erin feels like shit. ERIN I'm sorry, pumpkins. I'll try a whole lot harder to be around, okay? I promise. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT The room is dark. Erin enters and flops down onto the bed, exhausted. George is lying on the bed next to her. GEORGE If it's any consolation, I love you. EXT. ROUTE 10, INLAND EMPIRE - DAY Dry, flat California. Ed's big old Mercedes is toodling down the freeway, at an overly safe, almost-geriatric speed. INT. ED'S MERCEDES - DAY Frank Sinatra is playing on the stereo. Ed is swaying in time. This is his kind of music. He smiles, looks at Erin. ED It's Sinatra's world, we just live in it. Whatever. Erin glances at the speedometer. Oy. So slow. His car phone rings. He picks it up. ED Hello? ... (his voice softens) Hi, babys. Baby's fine. Yes, I did. I did, too, you just didn't feel it. He starts swerving across the lane markers. THWACK THWACK THWACK. Ed doesn't notice. Erin's getting nervous. ED You think I could leave without kissing my babys? Okay, here you go. He kisses into the phone. Swerves. A car barely misses them. Erin's eyes widen. Not fun at all. ED Bye-bye ... bye-bye ... no, you. Okay, together. Bye-bye. He finally hangs up, smiling to himself. Erin clears her throat. ERIN Um -- you mind pulling over? Just -- for a second? EXT. FREEWAY - DAY The Mercedes pulls to a stop on the shoulder. Erin gets out, walks around to the driver's side. Opens the door. ERIN First of all, don't talk baby talk to your wife in front of me. It really undermines your authority. And second, I know you're my boss and all, but you are the worst fucking driver I've ever seen. Move over or I quit. He moves over. She gets in, turns off the Sinatra. They pull back out onto the freeway in silence. EXT. MANDY BROWN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Mercedes and a truck are parked out front. PETE (O.S.) There's something about this whole thing I don't quite understand, Mr. Masry. INT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Donna and Pete Irving, and Mandy and Roy Brown are all seated, sipping iced tea. While they talk, Erin hands them all information packets on chromium. Ed is standing in front of them, a little stiff. PETE If PG&E messed with our water, why would they bother saying anything about it to us? Why not just keep quiet about it? ED To establish a statute of limitations. See, in a case like this, you only have a year from the time you first learn about the problem to file suit. So PG&E figures, we'll let the cat out of the bag -- tell the people the water's not perfect; if we can ride out the year with no one suing, we'll be in the clear forever. DONNA But it was more than a year ago that they told us -- ED It's okay. We're not suing. All we're doing is using this information to get you a real nice purchase price on your house, and get you two -- (to the Browns) -- a comparable retroactive bonus added to your sale price. This way, and PG&E can still look good to their shareholders, cause they're not involved in an ugly lawsuit; all they're doing is buying a little property. Roy looks up from his retainer agreement. ROY It doesn't say here how much this whole thing's gonna cost us. ED My fee's forty percent of whatever you get awarded. Erin watches them look around at each other, stunned by the figure. ERIN Boy, do I know how you feel. First time I heard that number, I said you got to be kidding me. Forty God damn percent? ED Erin -- ERIN I'm the one who's injured, and this joker who sits at a desk all day is gonna walk away with almost half my reward? ED Erin -- Erin's enjoying Ed's discomfort almost too much to stop. But just almost. She shifts gears. ERIN Then I asked him how much he makes if I didn't get anything. They look at Ed. Well? ED Then I don't get anything either. ERIN And I realized, he's taking a chance too. When they hear this, and realize he's in it with them, they all reach for their pens and sign. They hand the agreements over to Erin, who takes them across the room to Ed. He stuffs them in his briefcase and closes it up. That's that. ED All right, then. Let's hit the road. Boy. Cold as ice. Erin stares at him, stunned by his brusque manner, then leans in to him, close. ERIN (whispering) Mr. Masry, if you don't mind my saying, you got a lot to learn about being friendly. These people just hired you as their lawyer. The least you could do is make a little pleasant conversation. She gives him a stern look, then turns toward the women. ERIN Donna, let me help you clean all this up. She picks up a tray of iced tea and cookies and heads to the kitchen. Donna and Mandy follow, leaving Ed alone with Pete and Roy. He stands there, awkwardly. Then, finally: ED So, what's, uh ... what's new? INT. DONNA'S KITCHEN - DAY Erin and Donna are putting away the cleaned glasses. Mandy is scanning the chromium pamphlet Erin gave her. MANDY You know that thing it says in here about rashes? ERIN Uh-huh? MANDY Well, this old neighbor of mine, Bob Linwood -- he ran the dairy on Community -- seemed like someone in his family always had a rash somewhere or other. I just figured it was something in the genes. And you know how it is -- you don't like to ask about things like that ... Erin listens, interested. EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY, BARN - DAY Another day. BOB LINWOOD, 40's and gruff, is in the barn, tossing hay around. ERIN (O.S.) Excuse me. Are you Mr. Linwood? He sees Erin picking her way toward him in her high-heels. LINWOOD Yeah? ERIN I'm Erin Brockovich. I work at the law firm that represents your former neighbors the Browns. They suggested I give you a call. She steps in a cow patty. Laughs at herself good-naturedly. ERIN Boy howdy, did I ever wear the wrong shoes. EXT. THE DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY CLOSE ON A SIGN that reads: THE DESOTOS, hanging on the side of a small, paint-chipped house. Erin is at the door talking to MARY DESOTO, 65, who's wearing a big cross at her breast. ERIN ... and Mr. Linwood seemed to think that your husband had been sick as well. MARY Yes, Mr. DeSoto has lung cancer. Never smoked a day in his life, neither. INT. LAURA AND MIKE AMBROSINO'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin is talking to MIKE and LAURA AMBROSINO -- 30's. Solid, family folks. But Laura's left brow and cheekbone look swollen and misshapen, and she's trying to hide the fact that she's in a lot of pain. ERIN Mrs. DeSoto said she wasn't sure exactly what it was that you had -- PETE She's not alone on that one. LAURA Well, they know what it is -- it's called fibrous dysplasia -- PETE The bones start growing again. Gives her headaches like you wouldn't believe. LAURA -- they just don't know what caused it. INT. RITA AND TED DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Erin is talking to TED AND RITA DANIELS. Their daughter ANNABELLE, 10, is sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. ERIN ... then Mike Ambrosino remembered seeing you folks at the hospital from time to time too, so I thought I'd just stop by. (to Annabelle) You must be Annabelle. ANNABELLE Uh-huh. ERIN Whew, are you ever a beauty. I mean, you must drive those boys crazy. Annabelle smiles a little. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Late night. George rolls over -- Erin's side of the bed is empty. He checks the clock, then gets up and heads into: INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - NIGHT He peers around and spots her, sitting in the little kid's chair in Matthew and Katie's room. Erin is holding Beth, watching Matt and Katie sleep. Erin hears the floor creak as George steps into the doorway. ERIN Tell me something, George. What kind of God lets a beautiful little 10-year-old girl get brain cancer? Isn't He supposed to be in charge of stuff like that? Make sure it doesn't happen? (beat) I swear, any other job, He'd be fired. EXT. VALLEY SIDEWALK - DAY Ed and Erin are walking down the street, take-out coffee cups in their hands. Ed is sipping his, but Erin is in too much of a lather to drink hers. ED Hunh-uh. Absolutely not. ERIN That's crazy -- why not? ED Because I said no. Look -- the only reason PG&E's even talking to us is cause this is a quiet little real estate dispute. We add plaintiffs, and suddenly we're in the middle of a toxic tort -- with a statute problem -- against a massive utility. No, thank you. They go into their office building. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY Erin and Ed are riding up. ERIN Okay, so here's what I'll do. I'll go on up to Ted and Rita Daniels -- two of the nicest people you'd ever hope to meet, who spend every single day watching their little girl fight like a dog against this cancer -- I'll tell them we can't help them cause you don't feel like working that hard. ED It's not about working hard -- ERIN Bullshit. ED -- It's about being realistic. Something like this, Erin -- it could take forever. They're a huge corporation. They'd completely bury us in paperwork. I'm just one guy with a shitty little P.I. firm. ERIN -- who happens to know they poisoned people and lied about it. The doors open. Ed gets off. Erin follows. INT. MASRY LAW OFFICE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Erin's dogging Ed down the hall, to the office. ERIN And this shit is bad news, Mr. Masry. Not only does it attack every organ of the body, it fucks with your DNA, too. That means these people's genes, and the genes of their kids, and the genes of their grandkids -- ED I know how DNA works, Erin -- He gets to the Masry & Vititoe doors. Opens them. INT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY Erin tails Ed back to his office. ERIN We can get these people. With a little effort, I really think we can nail their asses to the wall. ED Oh, you do? With all your legal expertise, you believe that? ERIN Okay, fine. I don't know shit about shit. But I know the difference -- He shuts his office door on her. ERIN -- BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG! INT. ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed goes over to his desk, sits down. He sees a stack of messages there, starts flipping through them. Then he stops. ED Damn it. He shoves the messages aside and puts his head in his hands. He sits like that for a moment, GROANS to himself. Then he pushes himself up and heads over to his door. When he opens it, he finds Erin still standing there, exactly where he left her, arms crossed. She hasn't budged. ED How many families we talking about here? ERIN Four more. Eleven people. So far. ED You think there's more? ERIN Well -- I found one document at the water board that had a toxic test well reading from 1967. A hell of a lot of people have lived on that land since then. Ed pauses, groans again, realizing what decision he's making. ED This is a whole different ball game, Erin. A much bigger deal. ERIN Kinda like David and what's-his-name? ED Kinda like David and what's-his-name's whole fucking family. (heavy sigh) Okay, here's the deal -- if, and only if, you find me the evidence to back all this up -- I'll do it. I'll take it on. She smiles victoriously. ERIN You're doing the right thing, Mr. Masry. ED Yeah, yeah. Remind me of that when I'm filing for bankruptcy. He heads back to his desk. Erin follows him into his office. ERIN Course, gathering evidence -- now, that's a big job. A hell of a lot bigger than just filing. I'm gonna be working a lot harder now, taking on a lot more responsibility ... He gives her a look. Knows what's coming. ED What now? ERIN Another raise wouldn't hurt. And with all the time I'm gonna be spending on the road, I'll probably be needing my own cel phone, won't I? INT. TOYS 'R' US - DAY CLOSE ON A BEEPING CEL PHONE as Erin tries to program numbers into its speed dial. WIDEN to see she is reading from the phone's manual as she enters Toys 'R' Us with George, Matthew, Katie and Beth. ERIN You each can pick out four things. But nothing huge. Look at the price. Nothing crazy. Matthew and Katie fan out into the store. Erin keeps messing with the phone. GEORGE You can buy 'em all the toys you want, but come Monday, when you split again, they're still gonna be pissed. Erin looks over at him, weary. ERIN George, I am just trying to do something nice for my kids on my one day off. Could you please not give me a hard time about it? GEORGE One toy per kid is doing something nice. Four is ... something else. ERIN Well, hell, I guess that's it, then, huh? They're scarred for life. They're gonna start holding up 7-11's any day now. GEORGE I'm just saying -- ERIN (with intensity) I know what you're saying, and I don't wanna hear it. I am doing the best I can. And she walks away from him. EXT. HINKLEY, ROADSIDE DITCH - DAY Erin, in high heels and miniskirt, is straddling a ditch, scooping clumps of gunky moss from the ditch into plastic containers. Over this: ERIN (O.S.) Dr. Frankel, it's Erin Brockovich. Tell me something: if I wanna find as much evidence of hexavalent chromium contamination as I possibly can, what should I do? As Erin labels the containers, her heels slide down the side of the ditch, and she lands smack in it, knee-deep in gunk. EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - NIGHT Erin, now completely dirty, is climbing over a fence marked "No Trespassing". Her arms are full of more containers. FRANKEL (O.S.) Well, what you have to remember is, if you have hex chrom in the water, you have it in anything that lived off the water. She adds them to a growing collection of containers in the trunk of her car. EXT. HINKLEY, THE POOL BEHIND AN ABANDONED HOUSE - DAY Another day. This time it's RAINING. Erin minces her way down to the deep end of the pool in her spike heels. FRANKEL (O.S.) What I'd do is start a collection. Anything that existed in water, on water, under water ... She gets to the deep end and scoops up a Ziploc full of rancid pool water and seals it. FRANKEL (O.S.) anything that had water flow over or under it ... Erin spots a few dead frogs in the water. She picks one up by the leg, and seals it in a plastic bag as well. EXT. WELL - DAY With a sample cup held in her teeth, Erin hauls herself up over the well's concrete wall, then, with her back against one side of the well and her feet against the other, starts shimmying down the well. FRANKEL (O.S.) anything that had water pass through it ... INSIDE THE WELL she winces at the algae and gook that's clinging to her as she descends to the water level. When she's low enough, she takes the sample cup from her teeth and scoops up the water. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY Erin's at her desk, bending over her notebook in a miniskirt, adding reports to the TOXICOLOGY binder. FRANKEL (O.S.) ... collect 'em, label 'em, then bring 'em to me. I'll analyze 'em, see what we got. ON THE REPORTS: We catch a few words: "water sample A ...", "soil sample D ...", "frog sample A ...", "... traces of hexavalent ..." Brenda looks at Erin and sees her hem rising in the back. BRENDA For God's sake, Erin, I can see your panties. Erin turns to Brenda, relishing the chance to irritate her. ERIN Liar. I'm not wearing any. Ed, in his office, laughs. He's starting to like this gal. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT It's a hot night. George is playing on the floor with the kids. Erin is behind them on the couch, laboriously reading a book labeled, simply, CHROMIUM. The phone RINGS. Erin picks it up. ERIN Hello? MALE VOICE (O.S.) Is this the Erin Pattee Brockovich that's been snooping around the water board? His voice is flat, creepy. Not friendly. ERIN Yes. Who's this? CLICK. Erin stares at the phone, freaked. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT George watches Erin double-checking the locks on the door. ERIN I'm not gonna quit cause of one creepy phone call, George. GEORGE Come on, Erin. A job's supposed to pay your bills, not put you in danger. ERIN I'm not in danger. I have a dead bolt. Remember? She goes to the living room, double-checks the window locks in there. George follows. GEORGE Look, don't take this the wrong way, but don't you think you might be out of your league here? ERIN No, see -- that's exactly what those arrogant PG&E fucks want me to think -- that because they got all this money and power, we don't stand a chance in hell against them. But you know what? They're wrong. She heads into the bedrooms. GEORGE It doesn't have to be this complicated, Erin. There's a lot of jobs out there. ERIN (off-hand) How would you know? George reacts, a little stung. He follows her into: INT. MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Matt and Katie are asleep. Erin is checking their windows. George comes in. They whisper. GEORGE You mind telling me what that's supposed to mean? ERIN Nothing. GEORGE If you got a problem with me taking care of your kids instead of getting some job, just say so. ERIN I didn't say that. GEORGE Cause I can get a job. I will. And you can start leaving the kids with the chicken fat lady again. Would that make you happy? ERIN Keep your voice down. GEORGE I know what they can sleep through, Erin. I probably know it better than you. She gives him a glare, then leaves the room. INT. WATER BOARD - DAY Erin is reaching up to a high shelf for a dusty old box of files. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Ross passing. ERIN Hey, Ross. Tell me something. Does PG&E pay you to cover their ass, or do you just do it out of the kindness of your heart? ROSS (a bad liar) I don't know what you're talking about. ERIN The fuck you don't. No one calls me Pattee. That heavy-breathing sicko that called the other night could've only found out about me from you. (beat) People are dying, Ross. You got document after document here, right under your nose, that says why, and you haven't said word one about it. I wanna know how the hell you sleep at night. Ross is speechless. He just stands there. Erin drags the box to the floor and goes to work. EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT Erin's car is parked in front. A DIRTY OLD PICK-UP comes rumbling up the road. When its lights hit Erin's car, it slows, then pulls over. The driver flicks on his BRIGHTS to get a better look at the car. The truck sits there for a bit, a dark presence. Then, as the headlights of another car appear down the road, the truck goes back in gear, pulls out and drives off. INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - NIGHT A pile of documents is strapped into the passenger seat. An empty coffee cup rolls around the floor. Erin's driving, exhausted. She yawns as she dials her phone. GEORGE (O.S.) Hello? INTERCUT between Erin in her car, and George in bed. ERIN I'm so tired I'm about to drive off the road. Keep me awake, willya? GEORGE What do you want, a joke? ERIN No, no jokes, I gotta pee. Just tell me about your day. What went on back there? GEORGE Well, come to think of it, we did have a big event around here. Beth started talking. ERIN What? (beat) Beth? My Beth? GEORGE Yeah. We were sitting around at lunch and she pointed at a ball and said, "ball." Erin says nothing, just stares out at the empty highway, feeling all hollowed-out. GEORGE I'd never seen that before -- someone's first word. Pretty intense. Erin just nods. Keeps staring straight ahead as a tear rolls down her cheek. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S AREA - DAY CLOSE ON SOME FILES as Erin hands them to Ed. As he takes them from her, he notices a crematory urn on Erin's desk. ED Is that what I think it is? ERIN She lived on the plume. You never know. Ed laughs and hands the documents to Brenda without looking at her. She grumpily takes them over to the fax machine. CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as Brenda types in the number. The recipient's name comes up again: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. EXT. HINKLEY BARBECUE - DAY Open pits, pony rides, watermelon. George is watching Katie and Matt being led around on ponies, an activity that stopped being fun hours ago. Now they're just hot and tired. BY THE BARBECUE, Ed is talking to an OLDER COUPLE as they sign retainer agreements. ELSEWHERE, Erin, holding Beth, is looking at pictures of a swimming pool with FIVE OTHER WOMEN. The water is green. ERIN This was the community pool? WOMAN 1 Yeah, that PG&E built. The whole time we thought it was algae that made it so green. LATER ... Erin's trunk is open. She and Ed are clipping new clusters of retainer agreements into the "PLAINTIFFS" binder. LATER STILL ... Erin and Ed are passing out informational pamphlets. She sticks one in a hand before noticing that it's George's. GEORGE I'm bored, and so are the kids. ERIN Just a few more minutes, then we can go. (as he heads off) Take her, will you? George drops the pamphlet and takes Beth from Erin. He heads over to Matt and Katie, sitting glumly on a log. As he steps away, a hand reaches down and grabs the flier he dropped. It belongs to a MAN IN A BLACK JACKET. He's in his 50's, strong and sinewy. Military-style dark glasses obscure his eyes. He scans the pamphlet, then watches Erin working the crowd. Watches her carefully. He slides the pamphlet into his inside pocket, and heads back his car -- the DIRTY OLD PICK-UP TRUCK that idled in front of the Water Board. LATER STILL ... Erin is heading over to George and the kids, ready to leave, when Donna comes up to her, with A MIDDLE-AGED MAN in tow. DONNA Erin, this here's Frank Melendez. He works over at the compressor station -- Erin stops in her tracks, very interested. LATER STILL ... Erin and Frank are on a bench, talking. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her car drive off. George's hand sticks out the driver's side and flips her the bird. She watches him disappear, then, hiding her rage, turns back to Frank. ERIN I'm sorry. What were you saying? LATER ... The barbecue is winding down. Ed is heading for his Mercedes. Erin storms up beside him, mad as all get-out. ERIN I need a ride. INT. ED'S CAR - DAY Ed is driving. He glances over at Erin, fuming in the passenger seat. After a beat: ED You wanna talk about -- ERIN No. Another beat. Then Erin's cel phone rings. She digs into her bag, pulling it out as fast as she can. Answers. ERIN What, asshole? There's a pause. Then Mike Ambrosino's voice comes over the line, very strained: MIKE AMBROSINO (O.S.) Um, Erin? This is Mike. Ambrosino. EXT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, FOYER - DAY The curtains are drawn; everything is dark. Ed and Erin are at the door, talking to Mike, who looks drawn and tired. MIKE She was about to take a handful of these -- He shows them a bottle of prescription pills. MIKE It's a morphine thing -- for pain -- Erin nods, then leaves Ed with Mike and heads toward: INT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY Erin opens the door. Very dark, very quiet. Laura is lying in bed. Erin goes over to her. They speak in whispers. LAURA I'm embarrassed. ERIN That's okay. I understand. LAURA It's just -- the pain. It's only getting worse. I can't be a good wife. I can't be a good mother. ERIN I'm real sorry, Laura. Erin sits down on the chair next to the bed. Takes a beat. LAURA Know what I always thought I wanted outta life, Erin? A Jaguar. ERIN Jaguar's a darn pretty car. LAURA I thought if I could spend that kinda money on a car, it'd mean everything else was fine. (beat) I don't even know how much they cost. ERIN A lot. But you hang in there, maybe you'll get one. Laura shakes her head. LAURA Wouldn't mean the same thing. Erin watches her sadly. INT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY A LOUD, industrial plant. Erin and Frank Melendez walk through, him in coveralls, her in a teensy sun dress. Both in hard-hats. He's giving her a tour. EXT. NORTHRIDGE STREET - DAY George, in his leather and denim, is walking down the sidewalk. As we WIDEN, we see he's pushing a PINK STROLLER. He stops at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. In the stroller, Beth starts to whine. George reaches in his pocket, finds her pacifier. As he's leaning down to give it to her, he hears a RUMBLE coming down the street behind him. The roar grows. He stands, looks. A GROUP OF ABOUT TEN BIKERS has pulled up next to him. He looks at them. They look at him, then at the stroller. George feels ridiculous. When the light changes, the bikers REV LOUDLY and pull out. George just stands there and watches them go. INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT His office is all about Hinkley. A map of the plume area and a diagram of the plant cover one wall; photos of the plant cover the credenza; piles of documents litter every surface; Erin is up at the map, eating Chinese food. ERIN They used the hex chrom here, in these cooling tanks, as an anti-corrosive. Then they dumped it here, in these six ponds. ED I don't remember seeing any ponds up there. She bites into a forkful of food, keeps talking. ERIN They covered 'em over. And not too carefully either, cause you dig one inch under the surface, and the dirt is green as a fucking shamrock. ED And that's what caused the contamination? ERIN It didn't help, but no. The real problem's on the bottom. She reaches for a document, reads from it. ERIN See, according to this, they were supposed to line the ponds so this shit couldn't seep into the ground. But guess what -- ED They skipped that step. ERIN I guess it was a little too inconvenient. So for fourteen years, this stuff flowed into the groundwater, free as you please. ED Jesus. (beat) I don't even wanna ask what you did to make this Melendez guy talk. In response to the insinuation, Erin gives him a glare. ERIN For your information, Frank cares what was in those ponds 'cause he used to spend half his day wading around them. That was his job. ED No shit. ERIN No -- Suddenly, her eyes pop out of her head -- ERIN SHIT! SHIT! Hot! Hot! Hot! Tears spring to her eyes. She fans furiously at her mouth. Ed finds the tequila from the client and hands it to her. She takes a swig. There's a nanosecond of relief ... until the tequila hits. Her eyes redden. She spews and gasps. ERIN You ... asshole ... Ed chuckles. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - LATER The tequila's been dipped into. Ed and Erin are each lying on a couch, staring at documents. Late-night working. ED Erin -- lemme tell you something. If I'da put three researchers on this, I wouldn't expect them to dig up all the information you got here. This is some damn good work. ERIN Yeah? Then gimme another raise. ED Hey, I got a staff to pay, plus rent, plus I haven't billed a minute of my time since I started on this case, so you can quit hitting me up like I'm rich or something. He gets up, grabs his trash can, and moves around the room with it, cleaning up all the Chinese food cartons. ERIN Don't give me that. You're gonna get plenty rich off of this, Mr. 40 percent. We got those PG&E fuckers by the balls here. ED We've got the PG&E fuckers in Hinkley by the balls. But nobody's getting rich unless we can pin this on the corporate PG&E fuckers in San Francisco. ERIN What do you mean? ED PG&E corporate is claiming they had no way of knowing what was going on in Hinkley. ERIN Oh, they knew. They had to know. ED Show me the document that proves that. She doesn't have one. ED Then they didn't know. And if they didn't know, we can't hit 'em for punitive damages. And punitive damages is where the money is. ERIN Jesus Christ, Ed -- you know, the more I work on this thing, the more I realize what a crock of shit this legal system is. Here we got a company that poisoned a whole aquifer -- that built a pool for a town, then filled it with toxic water -- and we're the ones who've gotta bust our ass proving things? That's just not right. Beat. Ed smiles. ED I like this case. ERIN Really? It makes me sick. ED Me too. That's why I like it. It's been a long time since I had a case I cared about. ERIN You didn't care about my case? ED I would now. He gives her a long look. ED Hey. I like working with you. ERIN Well, good, Ed. I like working with you too. They both smile a little awkwardly. Take a beat. Then: ED When'd you start calling me Ed? INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT The Christmas party. The office is decorated; someone is Santa. Erin and George enter, all dressed up. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin's giving George a guided tour. As they head down the hall, every desk is decorated and has a present on it GEORGE I'm just saying -- we have one night to ourselves, why do we have to spend it here? ERIN Cause it's my office party. If you had an office, I'd go to your party. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - NIGHT It's dark. The door to Erin's area opens. ERIN And here, ta-daa, is my desk. She flicks on the lights. Brenda's desk is decorated and as a present on it. Erin's is empty. GEORGE Which one? (it's obvious) Maybe they didn't think you were coming. Erin shakes her head. She's surprised by how hurt she is. ERIN (quietly) God damn. I work so hard. The least they could do ... George looks over at her, sees her eyes glisten a little. He goes over to her, wraps his arms around her. GEORGE Hey. Fuck 'em, babe. Who needs 'em, huh? He kisses her. She leans into him. He kisses her some more. GEORGE (quietly) See? All we need is each other. She kisses back. She's gonna let him take care of her. Some more kisses, heating up. He slides her onto her empty desk. GEORGE Good thing there isn't a present there, huh? That mighta hurt. She laughs a little. He slides his hands up her skirt. She pulls him into her, tugging his shirt out of his pants. INT. MASRY OFFICES, HALLWAY - NIGHT Ed is coming down the hall with his wife, JOEY. Joey is much younger than Ed, and very pretty. ED I'll show you what we did back here -- INT. ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT Erin and George, in a rapidly-heating-up clinch on her desk, hear the voices. Erin pulls away. ERIN That's Ed. GEORGE Lock the door. ERIN No, I wanna say hi. He pulls her back into him, not wanting to move. GEORGE We'll say hi later. Lock it. But Erin pulls away ... ERIN Come on, George, it's a party. He watches her straighten her dress and take a step away from him. It's just one step, but it feels a hell a lot farther. INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER Erin and Ed are at the reception desk, talking and laughing. NEARBY, Joey and George are standing together, awkwardly. JOEY Your wife's real pretty. GEORGE She's not my wife. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Matthew lies awake in his bed, listening to George and Erin fight. GEORGE (O.S.) It wouldn't kill you to talk about something other than yourself and your own fucking job once in a while -- ERIN (O.S.) What do you want to talk about instead? Your day? That's a fascinating subject. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin and George are fighting while they get ready for bed. GEORGE Fuck you. Just cause I don't spend all day trying to prove what hot shit I am -- ERIN That is not what I'm -- GEORGE Bullshit, Erin. Bullshit. The fight is interrupted by the sound of BETH CRYING. ERIN Great. Excellent. Thank you very much. She leaves the room. INT. BETH'S ROOM - NIGHT Beth is wailing in her crib. Erin comes in in her nightshirt and lifts Beth out. Then, more to herself than to Beth: ERIN It's okay, baby. It'll be okay. She runs her hand over Beth's head, then slides down the wall and crumples onto the floor. As she curls around Beth, Erin starts to COUGH. Deep, raspy coughs from way down low. EXT. PG&E STATION - NIGHT Late, late at night. The plant is silent. The property seems empty, until we notice Pete Irving standing alone inside the gates, staring up at the station. After a beat, he picks up a rock and hurls it at the plant. It misses. Not that it would do anything if it hit. He reaches for another, throws it. Then another, and another. He hurls rock after rock at the gigantic plant. Then, overwhelmed by his impotence, he lets out a TERRIFYING YELL. INT. IRVINGS' HOUSE, DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAY Donna's sitting quietly in bed. Erin is sitting on the edge of the bed. DONNA I'd got so used to having 'em come up benign, I guess I just didn't expect it. She looks down her shirt front. DONNA Sure wish I had longer to get used to the idea. (beat) You think if you got no uterus, and no breasts, you're still technically a woman? ERIN Sure you are. You're just a happier woman, cause you don't have to deal with maxi-pads and underwire. Donna smiles a little. Then her face crumbles. DONNA We're gonna get them, aren't we, Erin? You gotta promise me we're gonna get them. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, DAY CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as DOCUMENTS are faxed once again to the PG&E CLAIMS DEPT. THEN AGAIN, on another day. AND AGAIN, on another day. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is once again checking the lie of his tie in a window. Erin is popping some aspirin, trying to kill a headache that has brought with it a healthy dose of intolerance. ERIN If they've sent that little shmuck Baum again, I'm gonna be real pissed off. ED From their tone of voice on the phone, I'd say they're taking us more seriously. ERIN Yeah, I heard that one before. Brenda leans her head in. BRENDA Mr. Sanchez, Mr. Webster, Mr. Buda, and Ms. Cooper, from PG&E are here. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Talk about moving up the food chain. MS. SANCHEZ, MR. WEBSTER, MR. BUDA, and MR. COOPER mill slowly about the reception area like sharks. They all ooze importance. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE OF ED'S OFFICE - DAY Erin, Ed and Brenda are staring out at them. ERIN Jesus. They look like the Secret Service. ED They're trying to intimidate us. (then, to Brenda) Tell them to wait in the conference room. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Sanchez, Webster, Buda, and Cooper are seated. The door opens and Ed enters, legal pad under his arm. Followed by Erin, legal pad under her arm. Followed by Anna (looking professional in Brenda's suit coat), legal pad under her arm. Followed by Mario (in a suit produced from who knows where), legal pad under his arm. If you didn't know better, you'd assume it was a team of lawyers as well. ED Counselors -- MR. SANCHEZ Counselors. Ed and Erin sit down and get to work. Mario and Anna, clearly told to just follow along, sit down a moment later. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Mario and Anna are sitting mutely in their seats beside Ed and Erin, firing blank looks across the table. SANCHEZ Let's be honest, here. Two million dollars is more money than these people have ever dreamed of. Erin has no patience for this today. ERIN Oh, see, now that pisses me off. First of all -- we got more'n a hundred plaintiffs. They may not be sophisticated, but they do know how to divide, and two million dollars isn't shit when it's split between them. Mario and Anna exchange a look. This is getting interesting. ED Erin -- But there's no stopping her. ERIN And second of all -- these people don't dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying they'll have to have a hysterectomy at age 20, like Rosa Diaz -- a client of ours -- or have their spine deteriorate like Stan Bloom. Another client of ours. So before you come back here with another lame-ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr. Buda -- or what you'd expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Miss Sanchez -- then you take out your calculator and multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. And she gets up and storms out of the meeting. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY Erin drinks a big swig of coffee and pops a few more aspirin. Beyond her, the PG&E lawyers are filing out of the office. Anna wanders over to Erin, a little uncomfortable. ANNA Um, Erin? (Erin turns) Listen. Even though you're not necessarily my favorite person in the world ... (beat) ... sometimes you're not half-bad. ERIN I'm gonna assume that was meant as a compliment, Anna, and just say thank you. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT Erin's at her desk, which is completely buried in documents and files. She's visibly exhausted, struggling to focus on the page, and COUGHING while she works. Ed calls to her. ED Hey. A new plaintiff called, wants to meet you. I told him we'd be out there Thursday. ERIN D'you get his name? (no answer) Course not. Jesus, Ed -- ED He said he'd be at the gas station at six. ERIN Boy, this job takes me to some of the best damn places, huh? EXT. HINKLEY GAS STATION - SUNSET Erin is sitting out front, swigging cough syrup from the bottle. She checks her watch: 6:30. The GAS STATION ATTENDANT comes out, locks up, and turns out the lights. ERIN This is the only station in town, right? ATTENDANT Yup. He gets in his car and drives off. Erin sits down again. Looks down the road in both directions. Nothing. Then she spots, behind some bushes across the street, a glint of chrome. She shields her eyes against the sunset and sees: the BEAT-UP TRUCK parked behind some shrubbery. Erin looks around, realizes she's alone. As she looks back at the truck, the ASH of a cigarette brightens in the cab. She realizes she's being watched. The driver's door opens. Erin bolts for her car, scrambling to find her keys. She jumps in, locks her doors, and tries to start her car, but it won't turn over. Panic. The Man in the Dark Glasses has gotten out and is heading toward her car. Erin looks around again. Not a soul. She tries the engine again. And again. Just as he gets to her car, the engine engages. Erin peels out of the gas station. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin drives down the road, hyperventilating, trying to focus on the road. She looks in the rear-view mirror -- nothing. She reaches the train tracks. A train is passing. She has to stop. As she's waiting, the glint of headlights bounce off her rear view mirror. Truck lights, coming her way. Fuck. She looks at the train -- still passing -- then back at the headlights closing in on her. The train, the headlights, the train, the headlights ... Finally, when the headlights are right behind her, the last train car zips by. Erin peels out, bounding her rickety car over the tracks. The truck follows. EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT The Hyundai zips down the road. And behind it, the truck. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT She looks out at the landscape around her. It's black. No other cars on the road. She starts to panic, accelerates. EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT The Hyundai going faster. The truck still following. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT Erin comes up on a stop sign. She runs it. So does the truck. A little later, she makes a turn and sees THE LOST CAUSE SALOON. In the parking lot, like a lifeboat, sits Ed's Mercedes. She pulls into the drive and jumps out of her car. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT Ed is eating ribs when Erin bursts through the door. She rushes over to him, near tears with fear and exhaustion. ERIN Someone's following me. ED What? Who? ERIN Some guy in a truck -- he waited till I was alone, then he followed me, like, two miles. Jesus, I'm shaking. Get me a beer. Ed gets up and heads toward the door. ED (to the counter guy) Beer, please. As Ed looks out the door, Erin collapses onto a bench. ED What kind of truck? ERIN I don't know. Big. Dark. ED He's gone. (back to the table) Did you get a license plate? Or a make? ERIN No, Ed -- what with me running for my life, I didn't have time to check those things -- ED I was just asking. Are you all right? ERIN Yeah. Yeah, I'm ... fine. Ed looks at her. She looks terrible. Shaky, tired, drawn. ED Jesus, you look like shit. When was the last time you had a decent night's sleep? EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Crappy and pink. Ed's Mercedes pulls into the parking lot. Erin's Hyundai follows. Ed stops, gets out. INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT Ed swings by Erin's open car window. ED Don't worry. I'm getting two rooms. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Erin and Ed amble down the porch, checking door numbers, each rattling a key. They find their adjacent rooms and stop. Erin leans against the wall, too weak to stand. ED Lock the door every which way you can. And if there's anything -- funny sound, whatever -- pound on the wall. I'll come right over. She nods a little. Then before she goes into her room: ERIN I think you should know -- there's very few people in the world who don't piss me off 90 percent of the time. (beat) You're one of 'em. It's as tender as she gets, and he's moved by it. They look at each other. Maybe even considering. But after a long beat, she reaches for her door again. Moment over. ED I'm triple locking my door, so don't even think of trying to take advantage. She smiles, goes inside. He watches her close her door behind her before going inside himself. EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - NIGHT George is sitting alone on the stoop, drinking a beer. Music is coming from his house next door. He stares out into the street with a lot on his mind. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY Katie and Matt are making a mess of breakfast. Beth is on the floor, grinding cereal into the linoleum. ERIN (O.S.) Hello? Erin enters, having just gotten home, and sees the mayhem. ERIN What are you doing? Where's George? KATIE I don't know. ERIN George! She heads out. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY George is sitting on the bed when Erin enters. ERIN Jesus, George, they're turning the kitchen into a hellhole. You know you can't leave them alone like that. He doesn't answer. Doesn't move. She notices this. ERIN What's going on? What are you doing? GEORGE Thinking. ERIN About what? He's very calm. He holds out a small jewelry box. GEORGE About this. ERIN What's that? GEORGE It's a pair of earrings. I saw 'em in the mall one day, and I thought, damn, those would look good on those beautiful earlobes. So I bought 'em. And I said to myself, next time Erin says something nice, does something nice, I'll surprise her with 'em. (beat) Know how long ago that was? Six months. In six months, you haven't said one nice thing to me. That's a long time. ERIN I'm sorry. I'm just working so hard -- GEORGE I know. But still. Six months. (he stands) I think you oughta either find a different job or a different boyfriend. Cause there may be men who don't mind being the maid and getting nothing in return, but I'm sure as shit not one of 'em. ERIN I can't leave my job, George. GEORGE Yeah, you can. You could just quit. People do it all the time. ERIN I can't. Look -- this job -- it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean it. For the first time in my life, I got people respecting me. Up in Hinkley, I walk into a room and everyone shuts up just to hear what I got to say. I never had that. Ever. Don't ask me to give it up. I need it. GEORGE More than you need me. ERIN I need it. He nods, then stands, to leave. GEORGE Maybe you didn't like who you were before, Erin, but I did. That's who I fell in love with. Only then does she see the packed duffel bag in the corner. ERIN You already packed up your stuff? GEORGE I pretty much knew what your answer was gonna be. He picks it up and walks out the door, tossing the earring box on the bed as he goes. INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erin is at her window, looking out at the street below. George is strapping a couple of bags onto the back of his bike. He gets on the bike, starts it up, and drives away. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin is driving, looking weary. Her kids are in the car. Matthew turns on the radio. Erin reaches over and turns it off. Matthew turns it back on. Erin glares at him, turns it off. On/off/on/off. A test of wills. Finally, when Matthew turns it on one more time, Erin turns it off, yanks the knob off the stereo and throws it out the window. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY The Hyundai pulls into the lot. INT. HYUNDAI - DAY Erin parks the car, unclips her seat belt. ERIN Wait here. She gets out. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Business as usual. Erin comes in, goes straight to her desk. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY Erin flips through her "in" box, looking for something in particular. Doesn't find it. Grrr. She heads off to: INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY Jane is at her desk when Erin comes in. ERIN Where's my paycheck? JANE Have you been logging on? ERIN What? JANE I moved payroll onto the computer. It only knows to process paychecks for employees who log on in the morning and off at night. ERIN (seething) Now how'm I supposed to do that when I'm not in here most mornings and nights? JANE You're clever. I'm sure you'll think of something. Erin glares at her ... ERIN I don't believe this -- ... then turns and storms out of Jane's office. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY Ed is on the phone when Erin barges in, rage in her eyes. ERIN I want my fucking money -- ED (into phone) I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just one second here -- (puts the call on hold, then, to Erin) Do you mind? ERIN (seething) Yeah, I mind. You bet your ass I mind. Clearly, she's in a dander he's going to have to deal with. ED Oh, Jesus. You wanna tell me what the problem is here, or -- ERIN It's my paycheck. Which I earned. Which I deserve. Which I shouldn't have to beg for. That fat-ass bitch won't give it to me. ED Erin, you're a big girl. If you got a problem with Jane, work it out for yourself. I don't have time to deal with -- ERIN Fuck you. Make time. Cause I bust my ass for you. I watch everything else in my life go straight in the toilet, for you. And what do you do for me? Huh? You see the way I'm treated around here -- but have you ever stood up for me once? Have you ever mentioned to everyone what good work I'm doing? Have you ever bothered saying, hey, Erin doesn't get paid the most cause she has the best tits; she gets paid the most cause she's the best God damn employee I've ever had? ED Is that what you want? ERIN I want my paycheck. By the end of the day. Ed sighs. Realizes he's going to have to take this on. ED I'll see what I can do. ERIN You might want to think real hard about the amount, too. My kids are sitting in the God damn parking lot right now, cause I still don't make enough to afford good child care. Makes me think about looking around for a job where I'm appreciated, for shit's sake. She storms out. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT Erin is standing at the sink, visibly exhausted, trying to do the dinner dishes with one arm and comfort Beth, who's CRYING, with the other. Matthew comes in. MATTHEW Can I play roller hockey? ERIN We'll see. MATTHEW When? The DOORBELL RINGS. Erin goes to get it. Matthew follows INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Matthew is dogging Erin on this. Beth is still crying. MATTHEW Randy's mom said yes right away. ERIN (snapping) Well, God damn it, Matthew -- Randy's mom doesn't work eighteen-hour days, and Randy's dad didn't leave her, so figuring out who's gonna take who where is a little easier over at Randy's house. Erin opens the door. A MESSENGER is there. MESSENGER Erin Brockovich? ERIN Yeah? MESSENGER Package from Masry & Vititoe. He hands her a manila envelope. She signs for the package, then tears into it as the Messenger heads away. A CHECK and a SET OF KEYS fall out. She looks at the check. It's made out for $5,000. A note attached reads "HIRE A NANNY. AND LOOK OUTSIDE. - E." Erin looks up and sees A BRAND-NEW CHEVY BLAZER parked on the curb. She looks at the keys in her hand. Chevy keys. Whoa. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE, PARKING LOT - DAY Erin drives up in the Blazer, pulls into a parking space. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, LAW LIBRARY - DAY It's dark. Ed's seated at a table, alone. Erin walks by the door, then spots him and stops in the doorway. ERIN Believe it or not, I would've been satisfied with just the check. Ed turns, sees her. ED Well, you go threatening to leave, I can't take any chances. You're the only person around who understands what I'm doing. Things come up, I gotta know I got someone to turn to. She sits, reading him. ERIN What kind of things come up? ED Things like the head counsel for PG&E calling me with an offer. (beat) 20 million, plus attorney's fees. Take it or leave it. ERIN Whoa. No shit. ED It's about 50 thousand per plaintiff. ERIN So what are you thinking? ED I'm thinking ... I wish someone else had to make this decision. (beat) 50 thousand bucks is more than any other California toxic plaintiff has gotten. Ever. But ... ERIN ... but it won't cover Annabelle Daniels's medical bills. ED And it's less than pocket change for PG&E. ERIN Do you think we'd do better by going to trial? ED Maybe. but maybe not. We still don't have anything linking this to PG&E corporate. Plus, there's the statute problem. Plus, we're way short on manpower, so we'd need to bring on more lawyers ... ERIN Plus, 40 percent of 20 million's a whole lot of money. ED It's eight million dollars, Erin. Eight million dollars. Beat. ERIN That's a fucking fortune, Ed. And you know I'm the last person on Earth to walk away from a big payday. But you and me didn't get into this to get rich. We did it cause we both have this voice in our heads saying, do the right thing; get these plaintiffs what they deserve -- the right to live and die in some kind of comfort and peace. If 50,000 isn't gonna buy that, then we gotta say no. (beat) Trust me. If you don't do the right thing for these people, getting that 6 million dollars is gonna feel like shit. He nods to himself, and looks up at her, his mind made up. ED I knew I put up with your bullshit for a reason. INT. ERIN'S NEW CAR - DAY It's raining. They're driving through the tall buildings of Century City. Ed is full of nervous excitement. ED This guy, Erin -- he's got more toxic tort experience than anyone else in California. He's huge. And he said yes to me on the first phone call, right off the bat. (points to a building) That's it. The big one. They've got the top three floors. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, RECEPTION - DAY It feels more like the lobby of a five-star hotel than an office. Erin and Ed step off the elevator. Erin gawks. ERIN Holy shit. Who do they represent, God? ED Don't joke. They might. So do me a favor and behave yourself for once. (to receptionist) Ed Masry to see Kurt Potter. As Ed turns to check his reflection, a YOUNG LAWYER comes through the reception area. Erin watches him pass, then, still miffed, calls out to him. ERIN Scuse me, sir, you got a real nice ass, you know that? The lawyer double-takes on her, then retreats into the office. Erin turns to Ed, smiles. ERIN Oh, I'm sorry. Was that not what you meant by behaving myself? INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD RECEPTION AREA - DAY THERESA DELLAVALLE, 38, junior partner, comes out to greet them. She's everything Erin isn't: conservative, restrained, unemotional. And about as sexy as a station wagon. THERESA Ed. Good to see you again. ED Theresa, hey -- this is Erin Brockovich. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD HALLWAY - DAY Theresa leads Ed and Erin down a long hall of teak desks. The sound of their footfalls is swallowed up by the plush carpeting. Occasional ATTORNEYS and PARALEGALS glance at Erin. She feels their stares. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, KURT POTTER'S OFFICE - DAY Potter is sitting behind his giant desk when Theresa leads Ed and Erin in. THERESA Kurt, Ed Masry's here. And this is Erin Brockovich, Ed's assistant. Erin, this is Kurt Potter. POTTER (to Ed, with a wink) Well. Now I know what you meant when you called her your secret weapon. Erin gives Ed another look. What the fuck? Ed gives her a firm look back. Behave. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Potter, Ed, Erin, Theresa and few PARALEGALS are sitting around the table. As the conversation ping-pongs between Ed and Potter, Potter completely ignores Erin. POTTER When'd they file the demur? ED Yesterday. ERIN What's a demur? ED It's PG&E saying to the judge that we don't have a case. Their lawyers go -- POTTER How many counts? ED Sixty-nine. We've got good answers to all of 'em. ERIN Counts? ED Reasons PG&E thinks it shouldn't go to -- POTTER Who's the judge? ED Corey. POTTER Good. ERIN Why good? ED He's got a reputation for doing all his -- POTTER How long's he gonna take? Erin's starting to steam at Potter. Theresa sees it brewing, tries to intercede. THERESA You know what? Why don't I take Erin down the hall, so we can start in on this stuff? Erin notices all her files in stacks against the wall. ERIN Hey -- those are my files -- THERESA Yeah, we had them couriered over. And listen, good work. They're a great start. We're just going to have to spend a little time filling in the holes in your research. Okay, these people are starting to piss her off. ERIN Excuse me -- Theresa, was it? There are no holes in my research. THERESA No offense. There are just some things we need that you probably didn't know to ask. ERIN Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, okay? I may not have a law degree, but I've spent 18 months on this case, and I know more about those plaintiffs than you ever will. THERESA Erin. You don't even have phone numbers for some of them. ERIN Whose number do you need? THERESA Everyone's. This is a lawsuit. We need to be able to contact the plaintiffs. ERIN I said, whose number do you need? THERESA You don't know six hundreds plaintiffs' numbers by heart. Erin just stares at her. Theresa sighs, reluctantly glances down at a file. THERESA Annabelle Daniels. ERIN Annabelle Daniels. 714-454-9346. As Theresa starts to write it down: ERIN 10 years old, 11 in May. Lived on the plume since birth. Wanted to be a synchronized swimmer, so she spent every minute she could in the PG&E pool. She had a tumor in her brain stem detected last November, had an operation on Thanksgiving, shrunk it with radiation after that. Her parents are Rita and Ted. Ted's got Chron's disease, and Rita has chronic headaches and nausea and underwent a hysterectomy last fall. Ted grew up in Hinkley. His brother Robbie and his wife May and their five kids Robbie, Jr., Martha, Ed, Rose, and Peter lived on the plume too. Their number's 454-9445. You want their diseases? Beat. Erin glares at Theresa, indignant. THERESA Okay, look -- I think we got off on the wrong foot here -- ERIN That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet. In fucking ugly shoes. INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT It's still raining. Erin is following Ed to the car. He's furious. ERIN She insulted me! ED Bullshit. It was a misunderstanding. But instead of handling it politely, instead of treating her with respect -- ERIN Why the fuck should I respect her? Ed stops in his tracks, furious. He glares at her. ED Because that's how people treat each other! ERIN Not in my world. ED Gee, I wonder why. On that, he gets in his car, slams the door, and drives off, leaving her standing alone in the pouring rain. ERIN Hey! You're my ride! INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - DAY Potter and Ed are walking down the hallway, mid-conversation. A FEW PARALEGALS follow them with files. POTTER I've also been thinking about the team. Responsibilities, who should cover what -- ED Right. POTTER I think we should makes some changes. EXT. LINWOOD'S DAIRY - DAY Bob Linwood is in his barn, mucking it out. Theresa is at the edge of the property, trying unsuccessfully to get his attention by yelling and waving her arms. In her expensive shoes, she's stopped short of the cow patty minefield. INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON A CLIENT FILE as a hand fills in a phone number. WIDEN TO SEE Erin seated with a PARALEGAL, rattling off facts and numbers from memory. She's seized by a COUGHING FIT. EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY - DAY Theresa still hasn't gotten Linwood's attention. Finally, rather than ruin her shoes, she picks up a stone and tosses it at the barn. It hits the window and BREAKS IT. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - DAY Erin's desk is empty: no Erin, no files, nothing. Ed comes out of his office and hands Brenda a STACK OF DOCUMENTS. CLOSE ON THE FAX LED Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up again, only this time it says: POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD. INT. POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - ANOTHER DAY A SECRETARY carries the documents to Potter's office. On the way, she passes THE CONFERENCE ROOM. Inside, Erin is still dictating to the PARALEGAL. She's shivery with fever now. The floor around her is littered with tissues. INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Theresa is talking to Rita and Ted Daniels. Annabelle is curled up on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket. Rita and Ted notice that Theresa doesn't even look at Annabelle. INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY Erin is lying in bed, home sick, talking on the phone. She's talking over the noise of TANIA, her 20-something Eastern European nanny, vacuuming the hall. ERIN I know she isn't real warm, but they say she's a real good lawyer ... INTERCUT WITH INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY Ted Daniels is on the phone. Rita is next to him. TED That may be. But I don't want her coming to the house again. She's kinda stuck-up, and she upsets Annabelle. Now, I hate to say this, but when she left today, Rita asked if we should get a new lawyer. ERIN Ted, no -- don't do that. If you don't like Theresa, you don't have to work with her. Me and Ed are still here for you. TED I called Ed two days ago, Erin, and he still hasn't called me back. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY The phone rings. Brenda picks up. BRENDA Ed Masry's office ... Sorry, he can't be interrupted. INTERCUT WITH Erin at home, still in bed, so irritated. ERIN Don't be a pain in the ass, okay, Brenda? Just put him on. BRENDA (with finality) I said, he can't be interrupted. Erin hangs up. Then, with a groan, she pulls her weary body out of bed. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY Erin drags herself into the office. ROSALIND Hey, Erin, I thought you were taking a sick day. ERIN So did I. She heads toward Ed's office, but stops when she sees a meeting in progress in the conference room. Ed is on the side of the table facing her, flanked by Potter and Theresa. On the other side of the table, are FOUR SUITED BACKS. ERIN What's going on in there? ROSALIND Some meeting. With PG&E people. ERIN PG& -- Are you sure? ROSALIND Yup. They must be important, too, cause they came on a special plane. Erin feels this like a sock in the gut. She stares at the meeting, stunned. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY This band of PG&E lawyers is the oldest and most impressive of all. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are listening to the most senior PG&E lawyer, MR. CORBIN, talk. CORBIN ... we would enter into binding arbitration -- judge, no jury -- with a settlement to be between 50 and 400 million dollars. Ed and Potter hear this and think about it. POTTER Any preconditions on the settlements? CORBIN The plaintiffs have to agree to it unanimously. And they're barred from ever discussing their settlement with anyone. ED 50-400 million dollars isn't a whole hell of a lot of money for your company, Mr. Corbin. HEAD COUNSEL 50-400 million dollars is a great deal of money for your plaintiffs, Mr. Masry. As Ed mulls this, he sees, beyond Mr. Corbin, ERIN staring at him from the other side of the glass wall, her face cold with hurt and anger. ED Could I -- just take a brief break here for a moment? I'll be right back. He gets up and goes out into: INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY Ed comes out. Erin's so angry she can barely breathe. ERIN If you tell me to relax, I'm gonna kick your fucking head off -- ED Erin, it's just a meeting. ERIN People don't fly down in their own god damn plane for "just a meeting" -- ED Look, you said you weren't feeling great. I thought you should rest. ERIN Bullshit. You'd drag me off my deathbed if it suited you. ED Okay, look. It's an important meeting. Kurt thought, if it was just lawyers -- ERIN Kurt thought? What about you? Do you think anymore? He resists being dragged into an knock-down, drag-out fight. ED Look, this is serious now. They're talking serious money -- ERIN And, what, I'm not serious? ED You're emotional. You're erratic. You say any God damn thing that comes into your head. And I'm not saying that's bad. That can be great; that can be a lot of fun -- ERIN "Fun?" Jesus, "fun?" I kill myself for a year and a half, hand you the best case of your life on a God damn silver platter, remind you of why you became a lawyer in the first place, and you think of me as "fun?" ED Okay, now you're making this personal, and it isn't -- ERIN Not personal? That's my work in there, Ed. My sweat, my labor, my time. If that's not personal, I don't know what is. She starts to COUGH and CRUMBLE, but fights it. ERIN (weakened) How dare you take that away from me. ED No one's taking anything -- ERIN Bullshit. You stuck me in Siberia dictating to some God damn steno clerk so you could finish this thing without me. After all I've done for you, that's the thanks I get. By now the entire office is watching. As are the lawyers in the conference room. ED Don't give me that. You've gotten plenty. You've been well-paid; you've gotten lots of perks ... ERIN Perks? Jesus -- perks? Erin reaches into her bag, pulls out her cel phone. ERIN If this piece of shit is supposed to take the place of your respect, you can take it and shove it up your ass. She throws it at him and storms away. The phone hits the glass wall of the conference room, CRACKING it. Ed just stands there, with the lawyers staring at him through the splintered glass wall. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY Erin gets to her car. As she opens the door, the ALARM SOUNDS. She fumbles with her keychain, trying to turn it off, but she's too sick and upset to figure it out. With the siren still blaring, she kicks at the car in rage. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin's driving home. As she turns onto her street, her headlights wash across the sidewalk and illuminate a small boy, wearing a backpack, walking the other way. ERIN Holy shit -- She looks over her shoulder, but the sidewalk is too dark. She pulls a U-turn in the middle of the street. A CAR HONKS. Erin scans the sidewalk, finally sees him again. Holy shit, is right. It's Matthew, wandering the streets at night. ERIN Matthew -- She pulls ahead of Matthew and bumps up onto the sidewalk, blocking his path. When he sees her car, he turns and runs the other way. Erin leaps out and follows him. ERIN Matthew! MATTHEW! She catches up and collars him. ERIN God damn it, Matthew. What the hell are you doing out here? MATTHEW I'm gonna go live with George. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT MUSIC is playing. TANIA is on the phone. The receiver is yanked from her hand. She turns to see Erin hovering over her, barely containing herself. ERIN If you leave here real fast, I might not kill you. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATTHEW AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT Matthew's in his bed, facing the wall. Erin sitting on the foot of his bed, near tears. Katie's watching from her bed. ERIN We'll work out the roller hockey thing, okay? Whatever you want, we'll work it out. I promise. MATTHEW You always say that. Then you go to work and forget you promised. ERIN I never forget, honey. I try, real hard. It's just, for some reason, I don't seem to be able to organize things right and -- when it comes to you guys, I end up falling short. MATTHEW You never fall short for the work people. I guess maybe you just love them more. ERIN Oh, God, sweetheart, no. There's nothing on Earth I love more than you. Nothing. (beat) I promise. She lays her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off and inches away from her. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT Erin comes out of the bedroom. As she turns to close the door, she collapses to the floor in a heap. Out cold. INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT A busy Southland ER. George bursts through the doors with Katie, Matthew and Beth in tow. He goes up to the desk. GEORGE I'm looking for Erin Brockovich. They brought her in in an ambulance? INT. ER WAITING AREA - DAY The kids are waiting. George is talking to a DOCTOR. GEORGE Meningitis? What the hell is meningitis? DOCTOR It's an inflammation of the spinal cord and part of the brain. GEORGE Jesus. DOCTOR She must be a tough cookie, cause it's a pretty advanced case. I'd say she's been walking around with it for a few weeks now. GEORGE How does someone get meningitis? DOCTOR Usually, in adults, it's from exposure to bacteria or a virus or ... GEORGE ... or lemme guess -- toxic waste? INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Matt and Katie sit on the cheap plastic chairs outside the room. Katie is holding Beth, who's sleeping. GEORGE (O.S.) They can stay at my place till you go home. INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Erin's in bed, hooked up to an IV, looking exhausted. All untouched food tray is beside her bed. George is standing across the room from her, arms crossed tight across his chest, keeping his distance. ERIN They said that'd be tomorrow. They just wanna keep an eye on me another night. GEORGE Fine. I'll drop 'em off tomorrow afternoon. A moment of thick silence. ERIN Thank you. GEORGE (giving nothing) Mm-hm. As she watches him reach for his motorcycle helmet, to leave, she's hit with a wave of regret. ERIN George, hang on. (he pauses) Look ... I'm sorry. I just -- There's a KNOCK at the door, and Ed enters. George looks at him. Not interested in her apologies. GEORGE I'll drop 'em by tomorrow. And Erin watches George leave the room, then turns to Ed. ERIN If you're here to fire me, your timing's lousy. ED I'm not gonna fire you. (beat) I wanted to. But then you got sick, and that woulda made me look like a shit. (serious) You embarrassed me, Erin. ERIN I know. I'm sorry. (beat) Do I get to hear what happened anyway? INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER Ed has taken off his coat and pulled a chair up next to Erin's bed. He's eating the pudding off her tray. ERIN Between 50 and 400 million, definitely? ED Uh-huh. ERIN And if you had to guess ... ED With nothing linking it to the corporate offices yet, I'd say we'll end up on the lower end of that. Still a lot of money. ERIN So why would PG&E offer it? ED Because. They know the evidence; they know they're gonna lose a jury trial. Maybe they wouldn't lose 400 million bucks, but once you factor in all they'd spend on this case in the next ten years, it makes a lot of -- ERIN Wait, what do you mean, ten years? ED Five years, maybe, for a trial. Double that for the appeal. ERIN (confused) I'm sorry, are you saying that if this thing goes to trial, it'll be ten years before these plaintiffs see their money? ED Hey, that's not so bad. Compare it to the Love Canal -- that was twenty years ago, and those people still haven't seen a dime. So in legal terms, ten years is -- ERIN Fuck legal terms. We're talking about human beings here. Sick people. A whole bunch of them are gonna be dead in ten years. They need their money now! (beat) We gotta get 'em to agree to the arbitration, Ed. We gotta get every damn one of those plaintiffs to -- ED I know. We're having a meeting, it's all set up -- ERIN When? Where? ED Tuesday at seven, at the Hinkley firehouse. ERIN Okay, good. I think I should be the one to tell 'em, cause they trust me more than -- ED You're not gonna be there. ERIN The fuck I'm not. I don't care what the doctor says -- ED This isn't doctor's orders. It's mine. I'm saying you can't come. ERIN Why not? ED Because Kurt doesn't want to work with you. He thinks you're a loose cannon. ERIN Fuck Kurt. ED Erin -- ERIN No, I'm serious. You know what Kurt Potter is? He's the kind of guy who never would have taken this case in the first place. He's the kind of guy who would have sold these plaintiffs down the river when PG&E offered 20 million. He doesn't work like us, Ed. There's no little voice in his head telling him to do the right thing. But his mind's made up. He stands to leave. ED Don't come, Erin. I mean it. If you do, I'm gonna have to fire you. (beat) Just ... concentrate on getting well. EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT The parking lot is empty, except for three Mercedes. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are in the doorway, going over their notes. A TRUCK pulls into the lot. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - NIGHT Katie and Matt are watching TV. Beth is playing near them. Behind them, Erin is lying on the couch, under a blanket, distractedly trying to watch TV. She checks her watch. EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT The lot is filling with more cars and trucks; headlights criss-cross each other as people pull in from all directions. INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Erin's sitting up now, jiggling her knee, unable to sit still. She checks her watch again. 6:30. She can't take it. She throws off the blanket and gets up. ERIN Come on, kids, we're going for a ride. INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT CLOSE ON HANDS. As people stream in, they are each handed a release form with a space for a signature on the bottom. INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - LATER It's sweltering. The room, packed with plaintiffs, hums with horse flies and tension. People are fanning themselves with the release forms. Potter's addressing them from a raised platform. Ed, Theresa, and Andrew are seated behind him. POTTER Binding arbitration isn't all that different from a trial. It's overseen by a judge. Evidence is presented in much the same way. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT One more car pulls into the lot. It's Erin's Chevy. INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT Erin unbuckles her seat belt. ERIN Stay in the car, babies, I won't be long. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Erin gets out of the car, looks around, then goes over to a window and looks in at the packed meeting. PLAINTIFF (O.S.) And then a jury decides? POTTER (O.S.) No, sorry, I should have mentioned that. There's no jury in binding arbitration. No jury, and no appeal. She climbs up on an old wagon for a better view. BOB LINWOOD (O.S.) No appeal? So what are our options if we don't like the result? POTTER (O.S.) Well -- you have none. The judge's decision is final. But I really don't anticipate that as a problem. INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Now, in addition to the stifling heat, the large room is thick with mistrust. People are shifting in their seats, whispering to each other. TOM BROWN You don't even know what it's gonna be; how do you know we're gonna like it? Agreeing MURMURS ripple through the crowd. POTTER As I said before, it will definitely be somewhere between 50 and 400 million dollars. MANDY BROWN Which? There's a big difference there. POTTER I wouldn't want to speculate at this point. MANDY BROWN Ed -- what do you think it'll be? Potter turns around and looks at Ed seated behind him. ED I think ... Kurt's right. We shouldn't speculate. MANDY BROWN So then, what, that mystery number's divided up at the whim of some judge -- POTTER Judges don't make decisions based on whim, ma'am. They make them based on precedent and evidence. The GRUMBLE of discontent has overtaken the room. More whispering, more movement. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Erin watches the meeting fall apart. It's driving her crazy. ERIN Fucking idiot -- INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Potter sees he's losing them, too. Tries to gain control. POTTER Look. Everyone. Is this a big decision? Absolutely. But I do believe that if you put a little faith in the system, you'll be quite pleased with the outcome. Ted Daniels gets up from his seat. TED DANIELS Mr. Potter, if you knew me from Adam, you'd know that being pleased isn't an option for me anymore. Now don't take this personally, sir, but I've never seen you before in my life. I'm not about to put my faith in anything just cause you tell me to. He drops his agreement form, unsigned, then takes Rita's hand and heads for the door. EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Meeting's over. The plaintiffs stream out of the firehouse. Cars start up, headlights flick on. People pull away. INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT Everyone has left. Erin enters and looks around. The floor is littered with rejected, unsigned release forms. She thinks for a moment, then gets an idea. She picks up a release form, and leaves the firehouse. EXT. MINI MALL - NIGHT Everything's closed, except the KINKO'S store at the far end. Erin's truck pulls into the parking lot. INT. KINKO'S - NIGHT A BORED EMPLOYEE is at the register, painting with Wite-Out on a blue piece of paper. Erin enters, dragging her kids. ERIN Can I have one of those counter thingies, please? The Employee gives it to her. Erin crosses to the copiers. She slips the release form into one, then taps in the number of copies: 635. Presses "START." The machine WHIRS to life. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT Erin's Chevy pulls into the parking lot. MATTHEW (O.S.) I don't want to stay here. It smells. INT. HINKLEY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Erin is entering the crappy motel room with her kids. ERIN We got no choice. I'm not gonna make it home tonight. Now go wash up and climb into bed. As the kids wander toward the bathroom, Erin picks up the phone and dials. RING, RING. GEORGE (O.S.) Hello? ERIN Hi. It's me. (silence) I got a favor to ask you. GEORGE (O.S.) I don't do favors for you anymore. ERIN It's not for me; it's for my kids. You're the only one I trust them with. EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - DAY Very early. Erin is visible in the motel office, talking to the clerk, when George's motorcycle pulls into the lot. She turns around and sees him pulling up next to her Chevy. EXT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY Erin comes up to him, hands him a key. ERIN I got you your own room. He takes it, glances toward the motel room. GEORGE They up? ERIN Hunh-uh. Not yet. (awkward beat) Look, don't take any of 'em on your bike, okay? Call a cab if you wanna go somewhere. She hands him a wad of cash. GEORGE How long's this whole thing gonna take? ERIN I don't know. Few days. (beat) Thanks for helping me. I appreciate it. He nods. She gets into her car. Before closing the door, she turns back to him. ERIN And I miss you. GEORGE Yeah, well -- good help is hard to find. She sees how mad she's made him. Takes a beat. ERIN I treated you real bad, George. I know that. But, my problem was -- I never been with anyone who deserved better than that. You're the first nice guy who ever liked me. George softens, shifts. He steps toward the truck and gently closes her door, so he's standing close to her. ERIN I just ... didn't know how to handle it. That's all. He thinks about this. Finally: GEORGE Think you could learn? ERIN (with a smile) You know me. I pick things up real fast. He smiles back at her, nods, then tenderly brushes a piece of hair out of her eyes. GEORGE You shouldn't be driving around, you know. You're sick. ERIN Yeah, but I'm gonna get better. A lot of these folks aren't. He nods, understanding. Then he taps the side of her truck and turns toward the motel room. She puts the truck in gear and pulls out. EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - DAY Erin's Chevy is bombing down the road. INT. ERIN'S CAR, BACK SEAT - DAY There are two boxes there -- one full of unsigned release forms, the other empty. EXT. DONNA'S NEW HOUSE - DAY Donna's gardening out front, her head wrapped in a scarf to cover her chemo-thinning hair, when Erin's Chevy pulls into the driveway. Erin gets out, goes to the back of the truck, gets two of the release forms, then heads over to Donna. INT. DONNA'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Erin is sitting with Pete and Donna. DONNA I don't know, Erin -- the way he was talking to us, telling us everything was gonna be fine -- I just didn't trust him. PETE And after all we been through -- no jury, no appeal. It just makes me nervous. ERIN I understand all that. And I don't wanna force you into anything. If you don't want to sign, that's fine. But why don't we talk it over a little, cause I'd sure hate for you to turn this down for the wrong reasons. EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY The door opens. Erin emerges, holding two signed agreements. Donna is letting her out. ERIN You wouldn't happen to have a little time right now, would you, Donna? DONNA For what? ERIN Well, I was gonna head over to the Browns now. I was thinking -- Mandy really values your opinion ... INT. MANDY'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY Erin, Donna, Mandy, and Tom are seated on the sofas. Mandy signs an agreement. Hands the pen to Tom, who also signs. EXT. LINWOODS' HOUSE - DAY From outside, we see Erin at the kitchen table with Donna and Bob and Ruth Linwood, who are listening intently. INT. DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY Erin and Donna are leaving, saying good-bye to Mary DeSoto. Erin has a signed release form in her hand. INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S CAR - DAY DISCO blares. The two boxes. The formerly empty one now has a small stack of signed release forms in it. The top one has Bob Linwood's signature. IN THE FRONT SEAT Erin is driving, eating a hamburger, and going over her list of plaintiffs. EXT. HINKLEY MART - EVENING People are going about their shopping. Rita Daniels is stopped, talking with A FEW MORE PLAINTIFFS. RITA I thought so, too, but Erin says a trial's gonna take years INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT The signed stack has grown; the unsigned stack has shrunk. Erin drops five more agreements into the "signed" box. INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT In the wee hours. While her kids sleep, Erin sits at the cheap motel room table, going through her forms, organizing, alphabetizing. INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON ERIN, fast asleep at the table, her face pressed against the linoleum. There's some NOISE in the room, WHISPERING. Erin stirs and looks around to see George behind her, diapering Beth, while Matt and Katie put their shoes on. ERIN What time is it? GEORGE Real early. We're just gonna take your car to get some breakfast. Erin forces herself awake. ERIN No, I need my car -- GEORGE We'll just be a minute. Get a little more sleep. He picks up Beth, takes Katie's hand, and calls across the room to Matthew. GEORGE C'mon, pal. Leave that alone, we gotta go. Erin turns to see Matthew holding one of her release forms. ERIN Oh, baby, please don't play with that, okay? I got 'em all organized. Just put it back. But he's reading it. And something has caught his attention. He looks up at Erin. MATTHEW This girl's the same age as me. Erin gently takes the form away from Matthew, wanting to shield him from the harsh realities of this case. ERIN That's right, sweetheart. She replaces the form on top of the stack. MATTHEW She's one of the sick people? ERIN Yeah. She is. (beat) But you know what? That's why I'm helping her. So she can get some medicine to make her feel better. Matthew mulls this over a bit more. MATTHEW How come her own mom isn't helping her? ERIN Cause her own mom's real sick, too. Matthew thinks real hard about this, then heads over to the door, where George, Beth, and Katie are waiting for him. Before he leaves, though, he turns back to Erin. MATTHEW Maybe we'll bring you back some breakfast. You want eggs? She looks at the group of them, feels their shift toward acceptance. Smiles, moved. ERIN Eggs'd be great, baby. Eggs'd be perfect. INT. ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY Erin's driving along a dusty Hinkley road, eating cold eggs out of a take-out container with her fingers. EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY Morning. A GROUP OF MEN are arriving at work. Erin's truck pulls up. She grabs some release forms from the truck and wanders up to the men. ERIN Hey, y'all. How you all doing today? INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY She tosses eight more agreements in the signed stack. EXT. HINKLEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY Morning drop-off time. Erin is handing out release forms zo a GROUP of MOTHERS who just dropped off their kids. EXT. HINKLEY MART - NIGHT Erin is leaning on the hood of her truck, going down her list of plaintiffs, checking off the ones who have already signed. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - DAY Another day. Erin has set up shop here and is at a table with about FIVE PLAINTIFFS, all reading agreements. MIKE AMBROSINO enters. Erin spots him. ERIN Mike! I been looking all over for you. Come here, I wanna talk to you. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT The signed stack is getting bigger. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY And bigger. INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY And still bigger. EXT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT CLOSE ON ERIN'S TRUNK. A bunch more forms get thrown onto the signed stack, which is now much higher than the unsigned. ERIN (O.S.) I'm gonna head out to Barstow and talk to some folks out there tonight. WIDEN TO REVEAL Erin talking on a nearby pay phone. GEORGE (O.S.) Promise you'll turn around if you get tired. ERIN I will. Bye. She hangs up. As she turns to get into her car, she finds herself face-to-face with the Man in the Dark Glasses. ERIN Jesus! He's just standing there, a foot away, blocking her exit. She recognizes his truck as the one that chased her. ERIN Okay, what're you gonna do? You gonna kill me? Dump my body in a ditch somewhere? Or maybe you just wanna inject me with some poison too -- why change tactics at this stage of the game? (beat) Get outta my way, you make me sick. She pushes past him. But he grabs her by the arm. He's a big guy; it's a strong grab. Now she's scared. For a moment, he does nothing. Just looks at her. Then: DARK GLASSES If PG&E made someone destroy a whole lot of documents -- would that matter to you? Erin takes a beat, realizing she completely misread him. She gently pulls her arm away. ERIN Well ... I guess that depends on what the documents were. (she takes a beat) I'm sorry -- I didn't get your name. DARK GLASSES Embry. Charles Embry. INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT Erin and Embry are the only patrons. Erin's eating a burger. Embry has a beer. He's talking quietly, not looking at her. EMBRY I was working in the compressor, and out of nowhere the supervisor calls me up to the office and says, we're gonna give you a shredder machine, and send you on down to the warehouse. We want you to get rid of all the documents stored out there. ERIN Did he say why? EMBRY Nope. And I didn't ask. ERIN Did you get a look at the stuff you destroyed? EMBRY Well, it's pretty boring work, shredding -- you gotta find some way to entertain your mind. So yeah, I took a look. ERIN And ...? EMBRY There was a lot of dull stuff -- vacation schedules, the like. (beat) But then there were a few memos about the holding ponds. The water in them. They had readings from test wells, stuff like that. Erin tries to hide her excitement at this information. ERIN And you were told to destroy those? EMBRY That's right. Destruction of evidence. Pretty big deal. Erin plays it down. Wipes her mouth with her napkin, takes a sip of beer. EMBRY Course as it turns out, I'm not a very good employee. ERIN What do you mean? EMBRY Well. There were a few documents that I somehow didn't get around to shredding. (beat) That I kept instead. Erin stops, mid-bite. INT. EMBRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT He's dug out an inch-high stack of documents. Erin looks them over, stunned. Embry is standing apart from her, hands shoved deep in his pockets. ERIN How come you didn't say anything when you found these things? EMBRY At the time, I thought, I got six kids, some of 'em want to go to college. I can't afford to lose my job. I told myself I was being honorable. (beat) But there's nothing honorable in what I did. (beat) Maybe that's why they picked me for the job. Maybe they knew what kind of man I was. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY Rosalind is at the desk. Anna, Brenda, and Jane are helping themselves to coffee. Erin enters, with a big box in her arms and a whole lot of attitude. ERIN Hey, Ros, where are they? ROSALIND In the conference -- But Erin's spotted them and headed off before Rosalind can finish. Anna, Brenda and Jane notice the purpose in her gait. They watch her with interest. INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The table is covered with boxes of documents: the anticipated slew of paper that PG&E is sending them. Ed, Kurt, Theresa, Andrew and ABOUT FIVE PARALEGALS are sifting through them. Erin breezes in like sunshine. ERIN Morning! ED Erin? What are you -- ERIN (ignoring Ed) You know what, Mr. Potter? I completely forgot your birthday this year. And seeing as how you've been so good to me, I think that is a terrible oversight. So what I been doing over the last few days is I've been putting together a present for you. She plunks the box down on the table. Potter opens the top of the box. Looks in. ERIN 635. They all signed. Every single one. IN THE DOORWAY, Anna, Brenda and Jane appear, wondering what's up. A huge smile of appreciation slowly spreads across Ed's face. ED Ho - ly - shit. ERIN Oh, now don't get all jealous, Ed. I got a little something for you, too. Erin hands Ed a manila envelope. He opens it. ERIN Internal PG&E documents, all about the contamination. The one I like best says, and I'm paraphrasing here, but it says yes, the water's poisonous, but it'd be better for all involved if this matter wasn't discussed with the neighbors. It's to the Hinkley station, from PG&E Headquarters. Stamped received, March, 1966. Potter and Theresa reel. Ed shakes his head in disbelief. POTTER Where did -- how did you do this? ERIN Well, what with me not having any brains or legal expertise, I just went on up there and performed sexual favors. 635 blow jobs in five days. Whew, am I ever tired. And she struts out of the room, leaving everyone slack-jawed. The CLIP CLIP CLIP of her heels carry her away. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY Erin comes out of the office, flushed with success, and heads down the hall. She presses the elevator button. The doors open. As she steps on, Ed comes out of the office. ED Hey! Erin puts her hand in the door, keeping it from closing. He stares at her, in awe. ED I don't know what to say. ERIN Say you were wrong. ED I was wrong. ERIN Say you shortchanged me and you shortchanged yourself. ED I did. Both. ERIN Say you'd be the luckiest son of a bitch on Earth if I didn't up and quit over all this. ED The luckiest son of a bitch in the universe, Erin. The luckiest son of a bitch in history. He looks down the hall at her, standing so tall and proud in the elevator. He walks toward her, stops right outside the elevator. ED But I know you're not gonna quit on me. ERIN How do you know that? ED (with a smile) Cause you got a little voice in your head saying, do the right thing. Give him another chance. Of course she will. She releases her hand so he won't see her smiling. Ed watches the doors close. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PCH - DAY One of those days when the bay sparkles like a glitter ball. Erin's Chevy moves up the PCH. DISCO music emanates from it. INT. ERIN'S CHEVY - DAY Erin's at the wheel. Time has passed -- her hair's a little different. She's singing along with "Funky Town." EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY Erin gets out of her new truck, looks, sees the Irvings in a little cluster. Donna's under an umbrella. Pete is slathering on sunscreen. The two girls zip out toward the water. Erin waves. Pete and Donna spot her, wave back. EXT. BEACH - LATER Donna is standing at the edge of the water, watching her girls boogie board in. Erin comes up behind her. ERIN How you feeling today? Donna turns, sees her. Smiles. DONNA It's a good day. I feel good. ERIN Well, then -- if you're feeling up to it, maybe we should talk shop. Erin sits down on a rock. ERIN The judge came up with a number. DONNA A number for the whole group, or for us? ERIN Both. Donna sits down next to her. ERIN He's making them pay the maximum. Tears of vindication spring to Donna's eyes. DONNA Oh, my God. ERIN And he's making them give five million of it to you all. DONNA Five million dollars? ERIN Five million dollars. She reels. After a breathless beat: DONNA I don't even know how much money that is. ERIN It's enough -- for whatever you need, for whatever your girls need, for whatever your girls' girls need -- it'll be enough. Donna wipes the tears off her face, then watches the light flickering off her girls playing in the surf. DONNA I can put them in a good school. ERIN Any school you want. DONNA And get someone to help around the house. ERIN Yup. DONNA Oh my God. Oh my God. Donna is overwhelmed. Erin pulls her close. DONNA Oh, my God. EXT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Now this is where the hot lawyers work. A gleaming testament to power. INT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE - DAY Boxes everywhere. They just moved in. Everyone is unpacking at his or her desk. Rosalind is manning the new phones. ROSALIND Masry & Vititoe, can I -- shoot! She lost them. Her reaction indicates this isn't the first time. The front doors open and Erin enters. ERIN Hey, Ros. Nice view, huh? ROSALIND Yeah, I'm gonna start sleeping here. (into phone) Masry & Vititoe, can I -- damn it. (calling out) Does anyone know anything about these phones? Erin heads on down a hall to: INT. ED'S NEW OFFICE - DAY A beautiful corner office. Ed is unpacking when Erin enters. ERIN Careful you don't spit from here; you could kill someone. ED You see your office? ERIN Yeah. Yours is nicer. ED Oh, okay. Here it comes. ERIN Here what comes? ED The extortion, the threats ... ERIN I wasn't gonna -- ED "I can always find someplace else to work. Someplace that'll pay me a fortune and give me a view of the French Riviera ..." ERIN Ed, I swear, I'm not -- ED Okay, fine. Fine You backed me into a corner again. You're holding me hostage ... He reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a check. Hands it to her. ERIN What is that? ED Take it. Erin does. Looks at it. Her eyes bug out. ERIN Two million dollars? ED The firm took in sixty. That's three percent. Seemed like a fair bonus to me. She stares at it, speechless. He goes back to unpacking ED Oh, now I suppose you're gonna say it's not enough. Well, tough, Erin. Too goddamn bad. Cause this is absolutely, positively where I draw the line. FADE OUT. THE END

EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES Written by Gus Van Sant Based on a novel by Tom Robbins SHOOTING DRAFT 1993 INT. CAVE NIGHT There is a huge ancient hourglass made of animal skins, and acorns plop through the waist of the hourglass one by one. It sits in a pool of water. In the water swim EYELESS CATFISH in geometric patterns. An underground stream feeds the pool of water and then flows into a huge underground crevasse that on occasion emits a LOW RUMBLE. INDIANS with torches surround the hourglass, which now we can see is in a cave. And as soon as the acorns have finished passing through the hourglass, a crew of Indians turn it on its opposite end. One of the Indians appears to be JAPANESE. ONE INDIAN stands at the wall of the cavern in front of a series of symbolic carvings and scratches, with stone in hand he makes a few hatchmarks, and keeps an eye on the CREVASSE. THE CREVASSE RUMBLES once more, loosening a few chunks of rock from the cave. The earth begins to shake. THE CHART KEEPER She is restless tonight. ANOTHER INDIAN She dreams of loving. STILL ANOTHER She has the blues. View of the chartkeeper's drawings. One is of a crane with a very long neck. Another is a primitive drawing of a naked girl, who has long flowing hair. She also has, pointed out from her sides, thumbs that are three times normal human proportions. A MUSICAL CHORUS sounds at the sight of this drawing of a girl with the thumbs. The chartkeeper puts the finishing touches on the drawing. And the song "Happy Birthday to You" strikes up on country and western guitar and polka-like accordion. title BIG THUMBS INT. RICHMOND VIRGINIA SUBURBAN HOME DAY We see CANDLES burning on a cake. It is somebody's birthday. And there are six candles on the cake. SISSY HANKSHAW is six years old. Her DADDY and a visiting UNCLE, finishing their rendition of Happy Birthday, are staring down at Sissy and looking at her young THUMBS, WHICH ARE UNUSUALLY LARGE and twitch with a mind of their own. She manages to blow out all six candles. UNCLE Well, you're lucky that you don't suck 'em. DADDY Sissy couldn't suck 'em, she'd need a mouth like a fish tank. Sissy is negotiating a fork full of birthday cake, dropping it because of her thumbs. UNCLE (agrees) The poor little tyke might have a hard time finding herself a hubby. But as far as getting along in the world, it's a real blessing that Sissy's a girl-child. Lord, I reckon this youngun would never make a mechanic. DADDY Nope, and not a brain surgeon, neither. UNCLE Course she'd do pretty good as a butcher. She could retire in two years on the overcharges alone. Laughing, the men walk to the kitchen to fill their glasses. Sissy is left to feel sorry for herself in front of her cake. UNCLE (O.S.) One thing, that youngun would make one hell of a hitchhiker... This startles Sissy. A new word that tinkles in her head with a supernatural echo. Sissy looks at her thumbs. UNCLE (O.S.) ...if she was a boy, I mean. INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE DAY Dr. Dreyfus looks over Sissy's thumbs. DR. DREYFUS She is, if I may speak frankly, somewhat of a medical oddity. Due to impaired dexterity, her life activities and career potentialities will be reduced. It could be worse. Bring her back to me if there ever is pain. Meanwhile, she will have to learn to live with them. MRS. HANKSHAW That she will. That she will. The Lord made them things big for a purpose. God don't never git tired of testing our kind. It's a punishment of some sort, for what I don't rightly know. (whimpering) Oh Doc, if a young man ever shows up here with, a young man with ugly fingers, you know, something similar, a similar case, Doc, would you please... DR. DREYFUS Remember the words of the painter Paul Gauguin, dear lady. "The ugly may be beautiful, the pretty never." I don't suppose that means very much to you. MRS. HANKSHAW It's a judgement. She's gotta bear the punishment. Sissy beams serenely like a Christ figure. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY DAY Sissy looks up "thumb" in the dictionary. It says: the short, thick first or most preaxial digit of the human hand, differing from the other fingers by having two phalanges and greater freedom of movement. Sissy mouthing the words: "Greater freedom of movement." EXT. ROAD DAY Sissy very timidly ventures a pass with her gigantic right thumb in the direction she is walking. She is passed by...... BUT NO! BRAKE LIGHTS! A Pontiac skids ever so slightly on the snowflakes. View of the Pontiac insignia on the hood of the car. Sissy runs, actually sweating, to its side. She peers in. OUTSIDE a palmist's trailer is a sign with a red silhouette of a hand. Directly under the wrist where the watch band would be is written MADAME ZOE. Madam Zoe in kimono and wig lets Sissy and her mother in the door. MADAME ZOE I am the enlightened Madame Zoe. Inside. Madame Zoe begins stubbing a cigarette in one of those enlightened little ceramic ashtrays that are shaped like bedpans and inscribed BUTTS. The trailer is cluttered, but not one knick-knack, chintz curtain or chenille-covered armchair seems to have come from the Beyond. MADAME ZOE There is nothing about your past, present or future that your hands do not know, and there is nothing about your hands that Madame Zoe does not know. There is no hocus-pocus involved. I am a scientist, not a magician. I, Madame Zoe, chiromancer, lifelong student of the moldings and markings of the human hand. I, Madame Zoe, to whom no facet of your character or destiny is not readily revealed. I am prepared to... Then she notices the thumbs. MADAME ZOE Jesus fucking Christ! Mrs. Hankshaw and the fortune-teller turn pale and uncertain, while Sissy recognizes with a faint smile that she is in command. Sissy extends the thumbs as an ailing aborigine might extend his swollen parts to a medical missionary. Sissy's mama draws a neatly folded five-dollar bill from her change purse and extends it alongside her smiling daughter's extremities. Madame Zoe returns to her senses, and takes Sissy by the elbow to sit at a For mica-topped table of undistinguished design. Madam Zoe holds Sissy's hands while she appears to go into a trance. She opens her eyes momentarily. MADAME ZOE You have a strong will. Will power and determination are indicated by the first phalanx. The second phalanx indicates reason and logic. You obviously have both in large supply. What's your name, dearie? SISSY Sissy. MADAME ZOE Hmmm. I'd say that you have an intelligent, kindly, somewhat artistic nature. However, Sissy, however, there is a heavy quality to the second phalanx- the phalanx of logic -- that indicates a capacity for foolish or clownish behavior, a refusal to accept responsibility or to take things seriously and bent to be disrespectful of those who do. Your mama tells me that you're pretty well behaved and shy, but I'd watch out for signs of irrationality. All right? She pulls her thumb to her breast. MADAME ZOE I guess the most important aspect of your thumbs is the, ahem, over all size. Uh, what was it, do you know, that caused...? Mom speaks out from the couch she is sitting on MRS HANKSHAW Don't know; the doctors don't know... SISSY Just lucky I guess. MADAME ZOE Do you study history in school? Galileo, Descartes, Newton? Lebinitz had very large thumbs; Voltaire's were enormous, but, heh heh, just pickles compared with yours. SISSY What about Crazy Horse? MADAME ZOE Crazy Horse? You mean the Indian? Nobody that I've ever heard of ever troubled to study the paws of savages. Well, I guess that about covers the three-fifty charge... Madame Zoe lets go of Sissy's thumbs and wipes her hands on her kimono. MRS. HANKSHAW Husband. Mrs. Hankshaw withdraws a bill from her rat-skin bag. MADAME ZOE Beg your pardon? MRS. HANKSHAW Husband. Will she find a husband? MADAME ZOE Oh, I see. Madame Zoe takes Sissy's hand and gives it the old tall-dark- stranger squint. MADAME ZOE I see men in your life, honey. I also see women, lots of women. She raises her eyes to meet Sissy's looking for an admission of the "tendency", but there is no signal. Mrs. Hankshaw does not approve. MADAME ZOE A husband, no doubt about it, though he is years away. There are children, too. Five, maybe six, but the husband is not the father. They will inherit your characteristics. Mrs. Hankshaw, aghast, has heard plenty, and she ushers her daughter out of the trailer as if she were leading her from a burning cocktail lounge. TITLE ACROSS THE SCREEN: COWGIRL INTERLUDE (Delores del Ruby) EXT. BADLANDS DAY Views of vast vistas of arid grasslands, open and unmodulated, thirsty and exposed. At the western edge of the DAKOTAS, the monotony of the landscape, now gradually tilting toward the Rockies, is interrupted by the Badlands -- sculptured canyons so deep and chaotic they can break a devil's heart. Between the grasslands and the eerie badlands ruins, there lies a narrow band of humpy hills, green and pastoral. The hills are carpeted with midlength prairie grass. The Rubber Rose buildings are clustered at the badlands end at the base of a butte, higher, broader and longer than any in its vicinity, known as Siwash Ridge. a sign over the entry of the ranch reads: Welcome to the Rubber Rose Ranch (the largest all-girl ranch in the west) Delores del Ruby arrives at the Rubber Rose Ranch, carrying a whip at her side and batting an educated lash at the surrounding sights. DELORES I've traveled through the Yucatan with a circus, popping false eyelashes off a trained monkey with a bullwhip. When I ate peyote one night and had a vision. Niwetükame, the Mother Goddess, came to me on the back of a doe, hummingbirds sipping the tears she was shedding, crying 'Delores, you must lead my daughters against their natural enemy. You must come to the Rubber Rose Ranch and prepare for your mission, the details of which will be revealed to you in a third vision....' That night I whipped the shit out of my black lover and ran away. For a while I drove around, making a living selling peyote buttons to hippies, until I made my way here... A snake crosses the road in front of her, and she takes her whip and whirls it around her head. The snake that is crawling across the dusty road that leads to the ranch is carrying a card under its forked tongue. Delores snaps her whip at the snake and picks the card out of his mouth and lets it fly in the air. Delores catches it..... The card is the Queen of Spades. EXT. ROAD DAY Sissy is thirty years old now wearing a trademark colored jumpsuit. She is saying these words still: "Greater freedom of movement." Sissy sticks out her thumb, even though there is no traffic. A plane is flying overhead. Sissy hitches it; and the plane's flight path curves with in response to her gesture. A squirrel running by stops to look. The bus on the other side of the road skids to a stop and two cars coming her way stop as well. INT. CAR DAY The man driving looks over the back seat to the hitchiker behind him. INT. BUS DAY The bus driver does the same. EXT. ROAD From the look of her Sissy is a very seasoned hitchhiker, and she turns around relatively unimpressed with the fact that a car has stopped for her. SISSY'S VIEW. The man driving is black-skinned, beret-topped and he has four smiling gold teeth and six shiny brass saxaphones in the back seat. He wears a gardenia in his lapel and tokes on a short joint. SISSY Going north? MAN You bet your raggedy white ass I am. Sissy gets in. He turns up the volume of his radio and rockets north. INT. LINCOLN CONTINENTAL DAY Sissy ventures into her pocket and pulls out a slice of cheese and offers it to him. He now gets a better look at her unusual thumbs. They are elegant, but large boned, and disproportionate. They are banana shaped boats that makes it a little awkward to hold onto the cheese. MAN (taking an alarming interest in her thumbs) Thanks. SISSY American Cheese. The king of road food. He eats the cheese, and worries about the thumbs. He tokes on the joint between his fingers. MAN Are you in show business? SISSY I was a successful model once. MAN For magazines? SISSY I was the Yoni Yum feminine-hygiene Dew girl from 1965 to 1970, but got laid off. MAN So now you're bummin' around? SISSY Yep. MAN Hitchhiking? SISSY I'm the best. MAN You're the best? SISSY When I was younger, I hitchhiked one hundred and twenty-seven hours without stopping, without food or sleep, crossed the continent twice in six days, cooled my thumbs in both oceans and caught rides after midnight on unlighted highways. MAN Whooee! SISSY As I developed, however, I grew more concerned with subtleties and nuances of style. Time in terms of M.P.H. no longer interested me. I began to hitchhike in something akin to geological time: slow, ancient, vast. When I am really moving, stopping car after car after car, moving so freely, so clearly, so delicately that even the sex maniacs and the cops can only blink and let me pass, then I embody the rhythms of the universe. I am in a state of grace. The man listening to her takes another toke on his joint. EXT. ROAD DAY A view down the road of the Lincoln Continental going swiftly in its direction. CREDIT INTERLUDE featuring the song "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" as sung by (an undetermined country or pop star like k.d. lang or Bob Dylan) in an old television Kine-scope piece of film like you might see on early 1950's television sets. Between Sissy watching this image on old motel televisions, there are also IMAGES of roads, cars, trucks, highways, thumbs, gas stations and deserts gliding by in a flow of natural hitchhiking beauty. EXT. POST OFFICE DAY Sissy gets out of a large eighteen wheel truck and walks into a United States Post Office. INT. POST OFFICE DAY Sissy at the window picking up some mail, and opening a lavender colored letter that reeks of perfume, she is surprised to read this: Sissy, Precious Being, How are you, my extraordinary one? I worry so. Next time you are near Manhattan, do ring me up. There is a man to whom I simply must introduce you. Thrill!! -The Countess Sissy looks at the envelope and return address. Elaborately embossed is the Countess' logo... INT. COUNTESS'S OFFICE DAY The elaborately embossed envelope is now being sealed.. The Countess gives it a licking... Beside him is a young watercolorist named Julian. THE COUNTESS I will send this out to Sissy, she should get it in a week, and you will be able to meet her. When I send a letter to Sissy, duplicates must be sent to U.S. Post Office Boxes in LaConner, Taos, Pine Ridge, Cherokee and that other place, for her to pick up... Why she's probably out there right now in Hibbing, Minnesota, or Deluth, Montana... hitching her way across the country. INT. TRUCKERS CAB NIGHT Sissy is talking to a trucker as they pass down the road. SISSY Right off, I don't remember how old I was when I found out I was part Indian. My mamma's family, a lot of them, had lived out West, in the Dakotas, and one of them had married a squaw. Siwash tribe. My pleasure in Indianhood and my passion for car travel might be incongruous if not mutually exclusive........ After all, the first car that ever stopped for me had been named in honor of the great chief of the Ottawa: Pontiac...... In the distance, Sissy spies her destination. NEW YORK CITY. SISSY NEW YORK CITY. It's still a helluva town.... EXT. OFFICE BUILDING DAY Sissy gets out of the truck and looks up at a large building. INT. COUNTESS'S OFFICE DAY THE COUNTESS Sit down dear, do sit down. Sissy Hankshaw takes a seat. The Countess lifts a dusty decanter. THE COUNTESS Take a load off those lovely tootsies. Yes, sit right down. Would you fancy some sherry? The decanter is empty, a stiff fly lies feet up on it's lip. THE COUNTESS Shit O goodness, I'm all out of sherry; how about some Red Ripple? He reaches into a midget refrigerator beside his desk and pulls out some pop wine. THE COUNTESS You know what Red Ripple is don't you? It's Kool-Aid with a hard on. Tee Hee. Sissy manages a polite smile. She looks at a heavily finger printed glass. THE COUNTESS (he toasts) To my own special Sissy. Cheers! And welcome. So my letter brought ya flying, eh? Where were you? Salt Lake City? La Conner? Well, I may have a little surprise for you. But first, tell me about yourself. It's been six months, hasn't it? In some circles that's half a year. How are you? SISSY Tired... THE COUNTESS That's the very first time in the eons that I've known you that I've ever heard you complain. And now you're tired, poor darling. SISSY A born freak can only go uphill. THE COUNTESS Freak, schmeek. Most of us are freaks in one way or another. Try being born a male Russian countess into a white middle class Baptist family in Mississippi and you'll see what I mean. SISSY I've always been proud of the way nature singled me out. It's the people who have been deformed by society I feel sorry for. I've been steady moving for eleven years and some months. Maybe I should rest up for a spell, I'm not as young as I used to be. THE COUNTESS Shit O goodness, you won't be thirty for another year, and you're more beautiful than ever. SISSY Does that mean you might have an assignment for me? The Countess taps his monocle with his cigarette holder. He looks on his wall, and on a poster advertising a feminine hygene product, Yoni Yum Dew Spray, stands Sissy Hankshaw, her thumbs neatly hidden, chopped off by the borders of the photograph. THE COUNTESS You were the Yoni Yum girl from, let's see, (peruses the ad layouts on the wall) from nineteen sixty-eight through nineteen seventy. You've always smelled so nice. Like a little sister. The irony has just killed me. You, the Dew Girl, one of the few girls who doesn't need Dew. I loath the stink of females! They are so sweet the way God made them, then they start fooling around with men and soon they're stinking. Like rotten mushrooms, like an excessively chlorinated swimming pool, like a tuna fish's retirement party. They all stink. From the Queen of England to Bonanza Jellybean, they stink. SISSY Bonanza Jellybean? THE COUNTESS What? Oh yes. Tee-hee. Jellybean. The Countess's jaw muscles calm down, his dentures ease into a samba... THE COUNTESS She's a young thing who works on my ranch. Real name is Sally Jones or something wooden like that. She's cute as a hot fudge taco, and, of course, it takes verve to change one's name so charmingly. But she stinks like a slut just the same. SISSY Your ranch? THE COUNTESS Oh my dear yes, I bought a little ranch out West, sort of a tribute to the women of America who have cooperated with me in eliminating their odor by using my vaginal products, Dew spray mist and Yoni Yum spray powder. A tax write-off, actually. He looks out his window as a squirrel crosses Park Avenue. THE COUNTESS Sissy, Sissy, blushing bride, you can desist from wearing paths in those forgotten highways. The Countess has arranged a job for you. And what a job... SISSY A job for me? THE COUNTESS I am once more about to make advertising history. And only you, the original Yoni Yum/Dew Girl, could possibly assist me. The Countess hands Sissy an article that she reads clenched in her fist. SISSY The Food and Drug Administration said Wednesday female deodorant sprays may cause such harmful reactions as blisters, burns and rashes. Although the FDA judges that the reported reactions are not sufficient to justify removal of these products from the market, they are sufficient to warrant the proposed mandatory label warnings. THE COUNTESS Shit O dear, that's enough to make me asthmatic. The nerve of those twits. What do they know about female odor? Don't interrupt. Here's my concept. My ranch out West? It's a beauty ranch. Oh, it's got a few head of cattle for atmosphere and tax purposes. But it's a beauty ranch, a place where unhappy women -- divorcees and widows, mainly -- can go to lose weight, remove wrinkles, change their hair styles and pretty themselves up for the next disappointment. My ranch is named the Rubber Rose, after the Rubber Rose douche bag, my own invention, and bless its little red bladder, the most popular douche bag in the world. So get this. It's on the migratory flight path of the whooping cranes. The last flock of wild whooping cranes left in existence. Well, these cranes stop off at my little pond -- Siwash Lake, it's called -- twice a year, autumn and spring, and spend a few days each time, resting up, eating, doing whatever whooping cranes do. I've never seen them, understand, but I hear they're magnificent. Very big specimens -- I mean, huge mothers -- and white as snow, to coin a phrase, except for black tips on their wings and tail feathers, and bright red heads. Now, whooping cranes, in case you didn't know it, are noted for their mating dance. It's just the wildest show in nature. It's probably the reason why birdwatching used to be so popular with old maids and deacons. Picture these rare, beautiful, gigantic birds in full dance -- leaping six feet off the mud, arching their backs, flapping their wings, strutting low to the ground. Dears, it's overwhelming. And picture the birds doing their sex dance on TV. Right there on the home screen, creation's most elaborate sex ritual -- yet clean and pure enough to suit the Pope. With lovely Sissy Hankshaw in the foreground. In a white gown, red hood attached, and big feathery sleeves trimmed in black. In a very subdued imitation of the female whooping crane, she dance/walks over to a large nest in which there sits a can of Yoni Yum. And a can of Dew. Off-camera, a string quartet is playing Debussy. A sensuous voice is reading a few poetic lines about courtship and love. Are you starting to get it? Doesn't it make the hair on your neck stand up and applaud? My very goodness gracious! Grandiose, lyrical, erotic and Girl Scout- oriented; you can't top it. I've hired a crew of experts from Walt Disney Studios, the best wildlife cinematographers around. You're my eternal favorite. Princess Grace herself couldn't be better, not even if she had your personality which she doesn't; Anyway, dear, I'm out of photography now and into water colors. Ah how circuitous conversation is! We're back at the beginning. The exact man I've wanted you to meet is my artist the watercolorist. Sissy dares a sip of Red Ripple. SISSY If you don't want me to pose for him, why do you want me to meet him? THE COUNTESS Purely personal. I believe you might enjoy one another. SISSY But Countess... THE COUNTESS Now, now. Don't get exasperated. I realize that you've always avoided all but the most rudimentary involvements with men, and I might add, you've been wise. Heterosexual relationships seem to lead only to marriage. For men, marriage is a matter of efficient logistics: The male gets his food, bed, laundry, TV, pussy, offspring and creature comforts all under one roof, where he doesn't have to dissipate his psychic energy thinking about them too much, then he is free to go out and fight the battles of life, which is what existence is all about. But for a woman marriage is surrender. The Countess refills his glass. The squirrel starts across Park Avenue again but doesn't make it. The uniformed chauffeur gets out of a limousine and holds the crushed animal up where it can be seen by an elderly woman passenger. THE COUNTESS But here you are, still a virgin -- you are virginal yet, aren't you? SISSY Why, yes, technically. Jack Kerouac and I came awfully close, but he was afraid of me, I think... THE COUNTESS Yes, well, what I'm getting at is that there comes a time when it is psychologically impossible for a woman to lose her virginity. She can't wait too long, you know. Now, there's no reason why you must lose yours. I mean, just ponder it a bit, that's all. SISSY (her brow spaghettied) What makes you think this watercolorist and I would develop a romantic relationship? THE COUNTESS I can't be certain that you would. But what have you got to lose? SISSY Well, okay. I'll try it. I don't see the point in it, but I'll try it. Just for you. It's kind of silly, actually, me going out with an artist in New York City. However... THE COUNTESS Good, good, good... you'll enjoy it, you'll see. Julian is a gentleman. Suddenly the Countess swivels in his desk chair and leans forward. Lowering his wine glass, he focuses directly, intensely into Sissy's blue eyes. His smile widens. THE COUNTESS By the way, Sissy... he's a full blooded Indian. A title: COWGIRL INTERLUDE INT. RUBBER ROSE OUTHOUSE DAY The Outhouse Radio is playing "The Starving Armenians Polka" and Bonanza Jellybean and Delores del Ruby are in the privy, caught in the rain. JELLY Well, I'm not scared of a little rain. DELORES Me neither. JELLY Might as well brave it. DELORES Right. I don't know about you but I'm sure not sweet enough to melt. Delores flicks her whip at a sweat bee that has taken refuge in the privy and hits the photograph of Dale Evans upon which it has lit. Jelly looks out the door of the outhouse across a cut green lawn to a bunkhouse where we can see a gathering of other cowgirls. There is a fly buzz and a distant polka yip. Way off horse lips flutter. Bonanza spies a picture of Sissy Hankshaw, an advertisement for Yoni Yum Dew Spray mist, on the privy wall. JELLY (musing) Someday...... if that Sissy Hankshaw ever shows up here, I'm gonna teach her how to hypnotize a chicken. Chickens are the easiest critters on Earth to hypnotize. If you can look a chicken in the eyes for tens seconds, it's yours forever. INT. BUNKHOUSE DAY A meeting is in progression in the bunkhouse that morning. Mary is addressing the group. MARY I want to complain that some of the cowgirls have been sleeping two to a bunk again, in violation of the agreement that "crimes against nature" are to be confined to the hayloft. DEBBIE I don't care who lay with whom or where or how, but the moaners, groaners and screamers ought to turn down their volume when others are trying to sleep or meditate. Some of the younger cowgirls blush. BIG RED I want to complain about the food around here! It's rotten to the core. A round of support from the other cowgirls in the form of cattle calls. INT. OUTHOUSE DAY Jelly and Delores are getting ready to run through the rain, when all of a sudden, Jelly spies a barefoot cowgirl -- it's Debbie -- run across the yard in her karate robe, jump on the Exercycle that is rusting in the weeds and begin pumping the pedals furiously in the yammering rain. DELORES My sacred crocodile! She's flipped. But in a minute, others follow Debbie, everyone of them, in fact; the entire bunkhouse load of them, some thirty young cowgirls, squealing, giggling, They slide and roll on the wet grass, push each other into the mud that is forming by the corral fence, chase one another in and out of the thick folds of rain draperies, stamp their cute feet in puddles and do bellyflops into the overflowing horse trough. The cowgirls frolic until, as suddenly as it has come, the rain goes away. Play ceases. They are panting like puppies as they lean against one another or pick clods of mud from one another's hair. ELAINE I move that the meeting be adjourned. DEBBIE At the end of the endless game, there is friendship. HEATHER What the heck did she mean by that! JELLY Just that in Heaven all business is conducted this way. INT. HOTEL LOBBY NIGHT In the lobby, the doors of an elevator open revealing Sissy inside wearing a buttoned up dress. Very formal looking for her. There is Julian standing in the lobby. He turns and walks toward Sissy. He is wearing a rather formal looking plaid sport coat with blue cummerbund. He extends his hand to meet her, and (perhaps at the sight of Sissy's thumbs) Julian has an asthma attack, doubling over in front of her. Sissy doesn't know whether to assist Julian or flee. From the other side of the lobby, two WELL-GROOMED COUPLES, white, mid-thirties and upper middle class come to the rescue. The younger of the men, RUPERT, takes charge. He breaks an inhaler of dinephrine under Julian's nose. RUPERT We'd better take you home. In the red of embarrassment, Julian looks more Indian than he had previously. Wheezing, he speaks: JULIAN I beg your pardon. I've been enthralled with your photographs for years. When the Countess hinted that you might like to meet me -- he never explained why -- I was ready to paint for him free of charge. And now I had to go and spoil it. EXT. STREET NIGHT Rupert is helping Julian to the street. Rupert is a salesman for a publishing house. His wife Carla, a homemaker, as they say. The other couple breaks down into Howard and Marie Barth, both copywriters for an ad agency. Howard hails a cab and Carla and Marie flutter around Sissy. MARIE This is dreadful. (lowering her voice confidentially) You know, asthma attacks are brought on by emotional stress. Poor Julian is so high strung. The excitement of meeting you -- my dear, you look so stunning! -- must have upset his chemical balance. Carla nods. Everyone is piling into the taxi. RUPERT Come on, Sissy, don't be afraid of us. SISSY I've never ridden in a cab. The whole idea of paying for a ride makes my thumbs hurt. Sissy is forced to suffer the indignity of riding in a vehicle she wasn't responsible for flagging with her own thumbs. CARLA It'll be all right, dear. It isn't as serious as it sounds. INT. CAB NIGHT Carla starts to pat Sissy's hand, then decides to leave the thumbs to themselves. The six of them are squeezed into the taxi. Sissy looks out the window of the taxi: SISSY'S VIEW as the taxi stops at a light, she can see a newsstand headline on the front page of the New York Daily News: THE CHINK SUMS IT UP, SAYS LIFE IS HARD IF YOU THINK IT'S HARD. EXT. JULIAN'S APARTMENT NIGHT THE TAXI stops in front of Julian's building. It discharges its passengers. INT. JULIAN'S APARTMENT NIGHT INSIDE Howard mixes Scotch and sodas, Rupert fills a syringe from a vial of aminophylline he has taken from its place behind a gelatin salad mold in the refrigerator. He gives Julian an injection. RUPERT There, that ought to beat them bronchial buggers into submission. He turns to Sissy. RUPERT I was a medic in the Army. I really should have become a doctor. Sometimes, though, I feel that pushing books is a whole lot like pushing medicine. Think of books as pills. I have pills that cure ignorance and pills that cure boredom. I have pills to elevate moods and pills to open people's eyes to the awful truth... CARLA Too bad you don't have a pill for bullshit. Carla smiles as if she were joking, but she'd said it tartly. Rupert glares and takes a big bite of Scotch. HOWARD (changing the subject) Where do you live, Miss Hankshaw? SISSY I'm staying with the Countess. HOWARD I know, but where do you reside when you aren't visiting New York? SISSY I don't. HOWARD You don't? SISSY Well, no, I don't reside anywhere in particular. I just keep moving. Everyone looks a bit astonished including the recumbent Julian. HOWARD A traveler, eh? SISSY You might say that, although I don't think of it as traveling. CARLA How do you think of it? SISSY As moving. CARLA Oh. MARIE How... unusual... HOWARD Mmmmm... Rupert bites into his Scotch again. Julian issues a watery wheeze. Then, silence. CARLA Rupert, before you get too engrossed in your research on Scotch as a cure for aging, don't you think you'd better phone Elaine's and cancel our dinner reservations? Sissy leaves her chair and wanders about the apartment. Which is full of books and shelves. RUPERT (O.S.) What would we do without you, Carla? Without our little efficiency expert, Carla, everything would just go to hell. Carla is thinking about running for mayor next year, aren't you, Carla? CARLA (O.S.) Up yours, Herr Doktor Book Salesman. Will the demands of your medical practice allow you to call Elaine's or shall I? MARIE (O.S.) Oh let me do it. Sissy is intrigued by an antique here and an object d'art there, but she knows she is in an alien environment. INT. JULIAN'S BEDROOM NIGHT Sissy enters a bedroom There is a covered birdcage. She sits upon the bed listening for a 'cheep' from the birds. And gradually she reclines. Then turning her head to the side against the bedspread: SISSY No Indian blankets... no Indian blankets... And she blacks out. And the sound drifts away in waves, so there is only the whistle of a distant wind through the mortar of the apartment building... ...Until one by one, we see button necks freed. Soon Sissy can feel it. Someone is undressing her. In a voice webby with sleep she lifts her head up, and sees Howard and Marie. SISSY Where are the others? HOWARD Oh, Rupert and Carla had a little hassle and went home. MARIE Julian fell asleep on the couch; we covered him up. HOWARD We thought that we should make you comfortable too. Sissy thinks this is nice, but wonders, however, why they are both in their underwear. SISSY Yes, thanks... Between the two of them, they have gotten Sissy out of her dress in no time. Sissy feels she should apologize for not having on a brassiere. Marie slips out of her own brassiere and moves her bare bosom close to Sissy's. MARIE Mine are fuller but yours are more perfectly shaped. HOWARD Highly debatable. I'll wager they're the exact same size. Howard cups his left hand about a Marie breast and his right about one of Sissy's. He weighs them in his palms, squeezes them the way an honest grocer squeezes excess water from a lettuce, and spreads his fingers to sample their circumference. HOWARD Hmm. Yours are larger, Marie, but Miss Hankshaw's -- Sissy's -- are more firm. You'd think they would have started to droop; I mean, from not wearing a bra. MARIE Howard! Watch your manners. You've made her blush. Here, Sissy, let me compare. Marie seizes Sissy's free breast, quickly, like a monkey picking a fruit, rolling it about in her hungry little finger, rubbing it against her chin and cheeks... ...and... ...it was like her earlier days as a hitchhiker.... nostalgic..... tropical plums. SISSY (in ecstasy) This place is finer than the place I live! Like a disc jockey from Paradise, Howard flips Marie over and plays her B side. Every now and then she reaches for Sissy to include her, but the laws of physics insist on being obeyed. Over and over Marie calls Sissy's name with half-closed eyes. The Barths are really going at it, Marie yowling like a cat. The POODLE in the kitchen begins to growl. SISSY So this is what it's like... so this is what it's really like. INT. LIVING ROOM NIGHT Sissy bounces out of the bed and patters through the living room and crawls under the cover with Julian. Julian stirs awake. JULIAN Oh, Sissy. I am sorry about all the fuss. Julian and Sissy embrace and go at it under the covers But suddenly: Julian stops after a brief climax. JULIAN (with downcast eyes) I apologize. Sissy cradles Julian and comforts him. JULIAN It is the measure of Western Civilization that it can encompass in harmony, balance off, as it were, such divergent masterworks as A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM and THE AMERICAN DREAM, as the dome of the Sistine Chapel and the ceiling of the Paris opera. Sissy sits up, her eyes moping about the apartment, looking but not seeing the macrame wallhangings, the volumes of Robert Frost. JULIAN What's the matter? After a while Sissy answers. SISSY I'm cold. JULIAN Here. I'll turn down the air conditioner. SISSY It's not the air conditioner that's making me cold. Nothing moves in here. Not even your birds. Sissy gets out of bed and begins to dress. JULIAN What are you doing? SISSY Getting dressed. I've got to go. JULIAN But I don't want you to leave. Please stay. We can go to dinner. I owe you a dinner. And tonight... we can... really make love. SISSY I have to go, Julian. JULIAN Why? Why do you have to go? SISSY (somewhat frantic) My thumbs hurt. I've made a mistake. I've been negligent. I haven't exercised. I have to hitchhike a little bit every day, no matter what. It's like a musician practicing his scales. When I don't practice, my timing gets off, my thumbs get stiff and sore. EXT. CITY DAWN Sissy trembles while she kisses her thumbs. SISSY I will hitch with you, out where tall birds wade in a lake named for my Siwash kin. Out where Smokey the Bear lay down his shovel to romp with more playful beasts. Out where starlight has no enemies and the badland wind no friends. Out where the boogie stops and the woogie begins. INT. TRUCK DAY And Sissy is now traveling in a truck passing Fourteenth Street on her way to the Geo. Washington Bridge. View of that Bridge as the truck crosses it to New Jersy. View of the wilds of New Jersey as Sissy travels to the West. INT. COUNTESS' OFFICE The Countess is on the phone. THE COUNTESS So she left town. Well, that shouldn't surprise you. Leaving town is what Sissy is all about. But tell me, how did she strike you? Julian is on the other end of the phone. JULIAN Extraordinary! THE COUNTESS She's obviously that. Jesus! Which would you rather have, a million dollars or one of Sissy's thumbs full of pennies? JULIAN Oh, you! I'm not talking about her hands. They're difficult to ignore, I confess, but I'm speaking of her whole being. Her whole being is extraordinary. The way she talks, for example. She's so articulate. THE COUNTESS It's high time you realized, honey babe, that a woman doesn't have to give the best years of her life to Radcliffe or Smith in order to speak the English language. JULIAN Countess. I'm really in a dither. She's turned my head. THE COUNTESS Ninety degrees to the left, I hope. How does she feel about you? JULIAN I think she's disappointed that I'm not more, ah, sort of atavistic. She's got some naive, sentimental notions about Indians. I'm sure she liked me, though; but.... then she left town. THE COUNTESS She always leaves town, you dummy. That doesn't mean anything. What about in bed? How does she like it in bed? Julian pauses for a very long moment. JULIAN How does she like what in bed? THE COUNTESS Like what? The Countess' teeth chatter in his mouth. THE COUNTESS What do you think? JULIAN Well.... er... THE COUNTESS Shit O dear, Julian. Do you mean to tell me you didn't get it on? JULIAN Oh, we didn't get it all the way on. THE COUNTESS Whose fault was that? JULIAN I suppose it was mine. Yes, it definitely was my fault. THE COUNTESS What do they do to you boys in those Ivy league schools, anyway? Strap you down and pump the Nature out of you? They can even press the last drop of Nature out of a Mohawk buck. Why, send a shaman or cannibal to Yale for four years and all he'd be fit for would be a desk in the military-industrial complex and a seat in the third row at a Neil Simon comedy. Jesus H.M.S. Christ! If Harvard or Princeton could get hold of the Chink for a couple of semesters they'd turn him into a candidate for the Bow Tie Wing of the Hall of Wimps. Oogie boogie. JULIAN If we Ivy Leaguers aren't earthy enough to suit you hillbillies, at least we don't go around indulging in racist terms such as 'Chink.' Next thing I know, you'll be calling me 'chief.' THE COUNTESS Chink's the guy's name, for Christ's sake. JULIAN What guy? THE COUNTESS Aw, he's some old fart holyman who lives in the hills out West. Gives my ranch the creeps and the willies, too. But though he be old and dirty, he's alive, I'll bet, clear down to his toes. They don't have his juice in a jar in New Haven. Well I suppose that I'll have to write Sissy out on the road. EXT. ROAD DAY Sissy makes little puffs of dust as she walks. From the direction of the ranch a VW Microbus is approaching. It is painted with mandalas, lamaistic dorjes and symbols representing "the clear light of the void." When the Microbus draws alongside Sissy it stops. Inside are two men and a woman. They are approximately twenty-four years old. WOMAN Are you a pilgrim? SISSY No, I'm more of an Indian The trio doesn't smile. DRIVER She means are you going to see the Chink? SISSY Oh, I may and I may not. But seeing him is not my main objective out here. DRIVER That's good. Because he won't see you. We came all the way from Minneapolis to see him and the crazy bastard tried to stone us to death OTHER MAN Yeah, but I no longer believe that guy's a master. He's just a dirty, uptight old mountain man. Why, he pulled out his pecker and shook it at Barbara. I'd stay away from there if I were you, lady. Sissy walks on leaving the people in the bus arguing about whether the Chink's rock-shower and pecker-wag actually had been intended as spiritual messages. EXT. ROAD DAY WALKING down the long dirt road, Sissy stops to take a breather and sits down on a log. Sissy thinking and looking into the clouds. Waves of grasses whisper her name: Ssssssssss, Sssssssssssss Sisssy. Meadowlarks squander their songs on her as she begins to squirm on the log. A Lincoln Continental drives up suddenly. Sissy barely has time to zip up. The Cadillac stops in front of Sissy. A teenaged girl in a Stetson is at the wheel. The rear door of the limousine opens and a refined matronly voice calls from the void. MISS ADRIAN By any chance are you Sissy Hankshaw? SISSY Yes I am. A chic middle-aged woman leans out of the car. MISS ADRIAN My goodness. Why didn't you telephone? Someone would have driven into Mottburg to pick you up. I'm Miss Adrian. From the ranch. The Countess wrote that I should expect you. Get in, won't you? You must be exhausted. Gloria, assist Miss Hankshaw with her luggage. Gloria nods at Sissy amicably but doesn't make a move to help her. Sissy swings her sack into the roomy vehicle. Before she gets in she flashes her thumb to hitch a ride. The instant that Sissy shuts the door the cowgirl chauffeur floors the Cadillac and it lurches away in a puff of dust. INT. CADDY DAY Sitting up after the bothersome lurch of the car. MISS ADRIAN Little twit. (turns to Sissy) You really ought to have phoned. We were just in Mottburg escorting some guests to the afternoon train. (sighs) More guests leaving ahead of schedule. Three checked out today. They decided to transfer to Elizabeth Arden's Maine Chance spa in Phoenix, Arizona. It costs two hundred and fifty dollars a week less at the Rubber Rose, so why are our guests leaving and going to Elizabeth Arden's? Miss Adrian pushes a button that sends a partition glass between her and the cowgirl driver. Gloria starts laughing silently on the other side of the glass. MISS ADRIAN I'll tell you why, it's that plague of cowgirls. They've gradually infiltrated every sector of our program. The one named Debbie considers herself an expert on exercising and diet. With Bonanza Jellybean's permission and against my explicit orders, she's been coercing the guests into trying something called kundalini yoga. Do you know what that is? It's trying to mentally force a serpent of fire to crawl up your spinal column. Miss Hankshaw, our guests can't comprehend kundalini yoga, let alone do it. Yesterday, she ordered a new cookbook by a Tibetan Negro, entitled Third Eye in the Kitchen: Himalayan Soul Food. God knows what that will be like. The little barbarians are destroying everything that I've built, mocking all that the company stands for. And there's a new one, one they call del Ruby. She has the good will of a scorpion. I've considered it prudent to avoid a confrontation that might further upset the guests. But now that the season is practically over -- we operate April through September -- and the Countess is finally coming... EXT. RUBBER ROSE DAY The limousine pulls up in the drive. MISS ADRIAN'S VOICE Our Ranch has all the latest in modern facilities... INT. BEAUTY RANCH DAY We see women having facials. MISS ADRIAN'S VOICE We have a facial wing, and next to that is the Hair Barn... INT. HAIR BARN DAY Sissy is being given a tour by Miss Adrian. A variety of hairdos are witnessed. MISS ADRIAN We have a team of fifteen hair experts from all over the world. INT. EXERCISE ROOM DAY MISS ADRIAN And fanny flab flies off in this room at the rate of six hundred and seventy-five pounds a day... that's a lot of salted ham, Sissy.... INT. MAIN LODGE DAY Sissy and Miss Adrian walk through the lodge lobby, guests and cowgirls are conducting a variety of activities: A BIRD EXPERT projects slides of whooping cranes on the wall and is giving a lecture about the habits of the birds. In the center of the room COWGIRL DEBBIE is leading a mixture of cowgirls and guests in a meditative chant as they reach high above their heads in a yoga exercise. Miss Adrian stops in front of the registration desk and Sissy catches glimpses of the chaotic lobby. MISS ADRIAN Our special guest Miss Sissy Hankshaw is with us. The receptionist hands Miss Adrian a key to Sissy's room. A COWGIRL makes a face at Sissy as she walks by carrying a tray of herbal teas. A representative of the film crew is being intimidated by a Cowgirl who is looking though his camera lenses and shaking them and listening to them like you would put a shell up to your ear to hear the ocean. COWGIRL Cool! We're going to make a movie!... Another cowgirl, BIG RED, is lifting a piece of furniture and passes it to her accomplice. BIG RED Get rid of the furniture.... it's too masculine... Get rid of all the furniture and use it for kindling!!! Break away from these pig-like chauvinist masculine influences.... Miss Adrian looks on helplessly.... she grabs Sissy and leads her out of the lobby. EXT. CORRAL DAY Miss Adrian and Sissy walk out the back door of the Ranch and out near a corral, to the sound of gunfire. MISS ADRIAN O merciful Jesus! They're murdering the guests! One of the FILM CREW MEMBERS is hanging out in the corral wearing a shiny jacket with DISNEY printed on the back. Miss Adrian grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him. MISS ADRIAN Where are the guests? MAN Take it easy, lady. They went on a short ride with the cowgirls. Rode over the hill yonder. You're Miss Adrian, aren't you? We need to talk to you about the filming. MISS ADRIAN Not now, you fool, not now. Those crazed bitches have led innocent women out and are slaughtering them at this moment. We'll all be killed. Oh! Ohhh! Another CAMERAMAN spits out a wad of chewing gum. CAMERAMAN There's a slaughter going on all right, but it's not the fat ladies that are getting it. Your hired hands are killing the cattle. MISS ADRIAN The cattle? They're killing the cows? All of them? CAMERAMAN (interrupted while putting a zoom lens on his camera) That's what they said, Miss Adrian. A devilish young cowgirl is sitting on a fence nearby. Miss Adrian addresses her. MISS ADRIAN How dare you slaughter the Countess's cattle! What is a ranch without cows? COWGIRL We're going to replace them with goats. Most of the cattle are diseased and in pain. We're just putting them out of their misery. According to Bon-an-za Jellybean, the Rubber Rose is in-di-cat-ive of the Countess's values. He has purchased a cheap weak strain of cow to begin with and with improper care.... MISS ADRIAN Oh heavens! I don't want to hear what Bonanza Jellybean has been telling you girls.... Come on Sissy. I'll show you to your quarters. AND THE SUN SETS OVER THE CANYON, THE HILLS AND SIWASH RIDGE NEARBY. THE CHINK, with his back to us looks down on the ranch from the ridge and watches Miss Adrian lead Sissy into a small guest cottage on the ranch. A DISTANT COYOTE HOWLS, AND A FEW SCATTERED GUNSHOTS ARE HEARD. INT. RANCH COTTAGE MORNING Sissy stirs in a nicely appointed guest cottage. A maid knocks on the door and serves Sissy breakfast in bed. MAID Excuse me, Miss. Do you care for your breakfast now? Sissy sits up and rubs her eyes. SISSY Yeah. I feel a bit hungry. The Maid puts the tray down, and the cloth that covers the food is lifted away to reveal a shocking display of grease and calories. A vase of prairie asters stands over a double-meat cheeseburger, a package of Hostess Twinkies, a cold can of Dr. Pepper and a Three Musketeers bar. Sissy is delighted. SISSY Road food. How did you know? MAID Well it is a change of our usual grapefruit and melba toast, I'm sure. Sissy notices a card. It reads: Compliments of Bonanza Jellybean SISSY Bonanza Jellybean.... MAID She will be up to see you directly. Sissy devours her meal. Out her window she can see women on exercycles, women doing jumping jacks and women in beauty parlors. A FIST pounds on Sissy's door. IN SAILS Jelly, a cowgirl so cute she makes Sissy blush just to look at her. She wears a tan Stetson with an aster pinned to it, a green satin shirt embroidered with rearing stallions snorting orange fire from their nostrils. Her breasts bounce like dinner rolls that have gotten loaded on helium and, between red tinged cheeks, where more baby fat is taking its time maturing, she has a little smile that can cause minerals and plastics to remember their ancient animate connections. Jelly grasps Sissy's elbow and sits on the side of the bed. JELLY Welcome, podner. By God, it's great to have you here. It's an honor. Sorry I took so long getting to you, but we've had a mess of hard work these past few days -- and a heap of planning to do. SISSY Er, you seem to know who I am, and maybe even what I am. Thanks for the breakfast. JELLY Oh, I know about Sissy Hankshaw, all right. I've done a little hitchhiking myself. Ah shucks, that's like telling Annie Oakley you're a sharpshooter because you once knocked a tomato can off a stump with a fieldstone. I'd heard tales about you from people I'd meet in jail cells and truckstops. I heard about your, uh, your, ah, your wonderful thumbs, and I heard how you were Jack Kerouac's girl friend... Sissy sets her tray on the bedside table. SISSY No, I'm afraid that part isn't true. Jack was in awe of me and tracked me down. We spent a night talking and hugging in a corn field, but he was hardly my lover. Besides, I always travel alone. JELLY Well, that doesn't matter; that part never interested me anyway. The beatnicks were before my time, and I never got anything outta the hippies but bad dope, clichés and the clap. But the example of your life helped me in my struggle to be a cowgirl. The guests are huffing and puffing in between the pauses in conversation, in the background through the window in Sissy's room. SISSY Tell me about it. JELLY About... SISSY About being a cowgirl. What's it all about? When you say the word you make it sound like it was painted in radium on the side of a pearl. JELLY Cowgirls exist as an image. A fairly common image. The idea of cowgirls especially for little girls prevails in our culture. Therefore, it seems to me, the existence of cowgirls should prevail. Otherwise, they're being fooled. In the Rodeo Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City there are just two cowgirls. Two. And both of 'em are trick-riders. Trick-riding is what cowgirls have almost always done in rodeos. Our society sure likes to see its unconventional women do tricks. That's what prostitutes call it, you know: 'tricking.' Jelly lays her hand atop the oval mound Sissy's thumb makes under the covers. SISSY You're political, then? JELLY No, ma'am. No way. There's girls on the Rubber Rose who are political, but I don't share their views. I got no cowgirl ideology to expound. "Politics is for people who have a passion for changing life but lack a passion for living it." There is a moment when the two girls feel something between each other. JELLY Did that last comment sound too profound to be coming outta my mouth? It's not original. It's something I picked up from the Chink. SISSY Really? The Chink, huh? I've gathered that you sometimes speak with him. What else have you learned from the Chink? JELLY Learned from the Chink? Oh my. Ha ha. That's hard to say. We mostly.... Uh, a lot of his talk is pretty goofy. Jelly pauses. JELLY Oh yeah, now that I think of it, the Chink taught me something about cowgirls. Did you realize that cowgirls have been around for many centuries? Long before America. In ancient India the care of the cattle was always left up to young women they called gopis. Being alone with the cows all the time, the gopis got awfully horny, just like we do here. Every gopi was in love with Krishna, a good-looking young god who played the flute like it was going out of style When the moon was full, this Krishna would play his flute by a river and call the gopis to him. Then he would multiply himself sixteen thousand times -- one for each gopi -- and make love to each one the way she most desired. There they were, sixteen thousand gopis balling Krishna on the river bank, and the energy of their merging was so great that it created a huge oneness, a total union of love, and it was God. Wow! Quite a picture, huh? Sissy's thumb twitches. Jelly swallows hard. They gaze into each other's eyes. A WHISTLE pierces the sunlight outside the window. JELLY That couldn't be Krishna, could it? A bit shrill for a flute. Just our rotten luck. Jelly walks to the window and exchanges hand signals with someone outside. JELLY Gotta run now. Delores says I'm needed. Somebody's here. Maybe it's the Countess. Jelly spins her six-shooter in her kewpie fingers. JELLY Sissy, cowgirl history is about to be made. I'm damn glad you're here to witness it. She holsters her gun and blows Sissy a kiss, then is gone out the door. Sissy hops out of bed and from the window she can see cowgirls gathering in a circle. Someone or something is in the center of the circle. Sissy zips herself into a red jumpsuit and hurries outside. EXT. CORRAL DAY What was in the center of the circle was a goat. Debbie was scratching the animal's ears. She was hugging it. KYM It's cute. Way cuter than a cow. DEBBIE Goats are always testing you. They're like Zen masters. They can tell instantly if you're faking your feelings. So they play games with you to keep you true. People should go to goats instead of psychiatrists. GLORIA It's so loving. Gloria cuts in on Debbie and gives the beast a hug. HEATHER Look at those playfully wise eyes. GLORIA Ooo! It licked me! JELLY More and more people are discovering that cow's milk isn't fit for human consumption. Billy West says if we can produce enough goat's milk on the ranch to make it worth his while, he'll run it into Fargo regularly. She pauses and looks around the group in the circle. DELORES I'm aware that Tad Lucas rode broncs until her ninth month, but I don't think pregnant cowgirls are going to be any asset on this ranch. I hope you itchy clits who are sneaking down to the lake every night are taking precautions. It's bad enough we've got cranes coming; we don't need storks. I feel that those film makers should be removed from the Rubber Rose as soon as possible. Men can cause nothing but trouble here. I also feel that our guest (she nods at Sissy) should be excused while we discuss this matter further. Hurt, Sissy leaves the group. EXT. RANCH DAY Views of Sissy in her Whooping crane outfit dancing to Debussy in front of the Disney film crew. The documentary being directed by an effusive Frenchman. View of the camera crew training their long telephoto lenses on Siwash Lake. They all seem to be wearing the same trademark satin baseball jackets with one logo or another on their backs. Another view of the lake, from above, from the Chink's point of view and our first view of THE CHINK. The Chink spies Sissy and Jelly coming over a ridge. We cannot hear them at first, but Sissy and Jelly are talking. JELLY ......Delores zonks out on peyote at least once a week, but so far her Third Vision hasn't happened. Niwetükame, the Mother Goddess has not gotten back in touch with her. Meanwhile she and Debbie are rivaling each other like a couple of crosstown high schools. Tension. Cowgirl tension! What a drag. SISSY What is Debbie's position? JELLY Debbie says that if women are to take charge again, they must do it in the feminine way; they mustn't resort to aggressive and violent masculine methods. She says it is up to women to show themselves better than men, to love men, set good examples for them and guide them tenderly toward the New Age. She's a real dreamer, that Debbie-dear. SISSY You don't agree with Debbie, then? JELLY I wouldn't say that. I expect she's right, ultimately. But I'm with Delores when it comes to fighting for what's mine. I can't understand why Delores is so uptight about the Chink; he could probably teach her a thing or two. Ee! That grass tickles, doesn't it? God knows I love women, but nothing can take the place of a man that fits. Still this is cowgirl territory and I'll stand with Delores and fight any bastards who might deny it. I guess I've always been a scrapper. Look. This scar. Only twelve years old and I was felled by a silver bullet. Jelly takes Sissy's hand, carefully avoiding the thumbs and helps her feel the depression in her belly. The depression is a dimple, like another navel. AFTER A HUNGRY STILLNESS, like intermission at a wolf dance, rhythms are established. Jelly and Sissy are socked into one another now, and they arch and push and corkscrew and jackknife softly but with pronounced cadence. Everything becomes scrambled. They rock each other in cradles of sweat and saliva, until we can see nothing. Noisy breaths buck out of Sissy: "Jelly, Jelly" but she can't hear Sissy because she is screaming. Hysterical from the scalding hot softness of girl-love. EXT. HILLTOP DAY The Chink looks on from the hilltop above indifferently. EXT. FIELD DAY Sissy and Jelly are riding on the back of a horse. A WHOOPING CRANE is spied by Sissy as she rides on the back of Jellybean's horse back to the ranch. Delores and Big Red hurry to meet them. DELORES He's here. Sure enough across the yard, in the midst of the low-cal barbecue in progress, monocle reflecting sunlight, cigarette holder stabbing the air, stands the Countess. DELORES Look at him. Perverse as a pink pickle. BIG RED Sick as a vice squad. DELORES He's in a snit. He wants to see you right after the barbecue. Jellybean chuckles sardonically and dismounts. JELLY Get the girls. He's gonna see me right now. Sissy, confused, and loyalties torn in the face of an impending revolution, leaves the corral and SLIPS INSIDE THROUGH THE KITCHEN. DOWN THE HALL ENTERING HER ROOM, SHE LOCKS HERSELF IN. As she locks the latch she hears Jelly's voice. INT RANCH OFFICE DAY Jelly has taken over the ranch loudspeaker system and is giving an ultimatum. JELLY Any of you ladies who would like to join us, you're welcome to stay on as a full working podner at the Rubber Rose. Rest of you get packed -- and I mean now. You've got fifteen minutes to move your lard asses off this ranch. INSIDE THE EXERCISE ROOM Women are reacting to the demands. INSIDE THE GREENHOUSE Some women are taking up trowels and brooms as weapons. INSIDE THE KITCHEN The help is joining the revolt. INSIDE THE HALLWAY Other women are running for their lives. INSIDE SISSY'S ROOM She hears the screen door screech open and a chaos of footsteps in the hall. She goes to her window. And she can see, partially cut off by the corner of the building, Miss Adrian screaming. MISS ADRIAN You will all be rounded up and sent to prison if you take this any farther! This is not your ranch!!!! EXT. THE FRONT YARD OF THE RUBBER ROSE The Countess seems to be taking it slowly, and calmly smoking a French cigarette. He observes the fighting among them with amusement. THE COUNTESS You pathetic little cutesy-poos. Do you actually suppose this exhibition of childlike melodrama is advancing the cause of freedom? JELLY You owe us this here ranch, as a token payment for your disgusting exploitations THE COUNTESS (tranquilly) Then take it. JELLY Go for it, girls! The hands, who carry axes, picks, pitchforks and shovels, retreat. The Countess, still grinning, reaches for an hors d'oeuvre and subjects his cigarette to a measured, self- assured puff. MISS ADRIAN (shaking her fist) Go to your bunkhouse and remain there! INT. ROOMS The guests are hurriedly packing their things. INT. SISSY'S ROOM She looks on. EXT. FRONT YARD When the revolutionaries have retreated about thirty yards, they stop. With astonishing rapidity, they unbuckle unbutton and unzip and step out of their jeans and underpants. Then, nude from the waist down, thatched pubises thrust forward, up front and leading the way, they begin to advance. The Countess's grin goes down his throat like bathwater down a drain. GLORIA Better reach for your spray cans! JELLY Not one of these pussies has been washed in a week! Rather pale, his nose twitching, the Countess drops the caviar canapé he has been holding. ON COME THE COWGIRLS, pelvises pumping, laying down what the trembling Countess believes to be a devastating barrage of musk. Miss Adrian, lost in her own hysteria, charges. A barbeque fork she hurls draws blood from Heather's eyebrow. Quick as a frog's tongue, Delores's whip cracks. It's lash curls around the ranch manager's ankles, pulling her feet from under her. She hits the sod in a jangle of jewelry and expulsion of breath. A Molotov cocktail thrown by Big Red says hello to the sexual reconditioning building. Within seconds, the structure is blazing. INT. MAIN HOUSE THE BARE-ASSED COWGIRLS storm into the beauty parlor and exercise rooms. SOUNDS OF breaking glass and wood splintering. The air is singing with cries of "Wahoo," Yippee," "Let 'er buck" and "The vagina is a self-cleaning organ." INT. KITCHEN SISSY flees the house as she hunkers down out the back door. EXT. CROQUET COURT Sissy running across it. She passes the pool, and falls in. Climbing out, wet, scared, she runs to the base of Siwash Ridge and southward along the mountain's foot. EVENTUALLY Sissy comes to a place where the juniper bushes are broken to reveal a crude path beginning a steep ascent. Sissy decides to climb up it. She shoulders her way through low, slivery boughs. Approximately halfway up the ridge she rests on a flat rock from which she can look down on the... BURNING RUBBER ROSE smoking away, distant yahoos and carryings on can be heard. Horses whinney in the corral. A few gunshots are thrown into the soundtrack if things aren't lively enough. MISS ADRIAN'S CADILLAC, ON FIRE, roars out of the drive. Sissy looks up to the quiet mountain. Pauses. Then she looks back to the chaos below. THE CINEMATOGRAPHERS' RENTED CONVERTIBLE AND THEIR EQUIPMENT VAN drive away. Sissy sits and wonders. The sun is setting on the horizon, mixing well with the firelight that the Rubber Rose is giving off. BUT SHE is aware of something watching her. Looking about she sees nothing. VIEW of an empty trail. VIEW OF a quivering bush. Sissy turns to the sound of the CHINK. CHINK Ha ha ho ho hee hee. AND THERE HE IS. Standing only ten yards away. The Chink's problem is that he looks like he rolled out of a Zen scroll, as if he says "presto" a lot, knows the meaning of lightning and the origin of dreams. He LOOKS as if he drinks dew and fucks snakes. Sissy and the Chink scrutinize one another with mutual fascination. CHINK Ha ha ho ho and hee hee. Sissy is just about to speak, but before she does THE CHINK whirls, and scampers up the mountainside. SISSY Wait! Warily he stops and turns, poised to flee again. Sissy smiles. SHE RAISES her ripe right thumb. And jerking it and swooshing it, she hitchhikes the Chink and his mountain. THERE HE STANDS where Sissy's thumbs have stopped him. The Chink wears the wary look of a wild animal. He's not going to stay stopped long. It is Sissy's move. SISSY Well, aren't you going to shake your whanger at me? The Chink pauses for a moment, then he slaps his thighs and giggles hysterically. Ha has, ho hos and hee hees squirt out of his nose and through the gaps in his teeth. CHINK (laughter dies a nervous chipmunk death) Follow me. I'll fix you supper. THE TWO doggedly walk up the steep trail. SISSY I'm a friend of Bonanza Jellybean's. CHINK I know who you are. SISSY Oh? Well, there's been some trouble on the ranch. I came up here to get out of the way. It's so dark now I doubt if I could find my way back down. If you could help... CHINK (voice that wears no pants) Save your breath for the climb. SISSY takes another look at the Rubber Rose, which is now quiet. We can hear faintly a distant popping of washcloths and girlish laughter. THEY make their way into a depression at the top of the mountain down a ladder of sticks. THE CHINK lights a large fire in the middle of the depression. HE puts a kettle of stew over the fire, and begins to roast yams. THE CHINK'S FACE as the fire dances off it. A CAN OF CHUNG KING water chestnuts is opened. CUT TO: Sissy and the Chink eating supper on a rough wooden bench. AND AS THEY FINISH, the Chink goes into a cave and returns with a tiny peppermint-stripped plastic transistor radio. He switches it on and the silence is broken by "The Happy Hour Polka." Still clutching the radio in one hand, the Chink hops into the wheel of firelight and begins to dance. Sissy walks around the fire watching the old geezer heel and toe, skip and hop. He flings his bones; he flings his beard. CHINK Yip! Yip! Ha ha ho ho and hee hee. Arms swimming, feet firecrackering, he dances and dances. When the song ends, the Chink puts the radio down as the news comes on. CHINK Personally, I prefer Stevie Wonder, but what the hell. Those cowgirls are always bitching because the only radio station in the area plays nothing but polkas, but I say you can dance to anything if you really feel like dancing. The Chink dances a little to the news, and then lifts Sissy by her shoulders and guides her onto his pock-marked dance floor. SISSY But I don't know how to polka. CHINK Neither do I... ha ha ho ho hee hee. The radio strikes up the "Lawrence Welk is a Hero of the Republic Polka," and the Chink and Sissy dance arm in arm, their shadows reel against the curves of the depression in the mountain. Night birds fly past with fluttering feathers. A bat flies out of the cave. The Chink escorts Sissy to a dark side of the depression and sits her down upon a pile of soft stuff: dried wheatgrass, faded Indian blankets and old down pillows without cases. SISSY (thinking) So this is how Jelly spends her visits to the Chink. A twanging noise sounds from the bowels of the nearby cave. SISSY What was that? CHINK Clockworks. SISSY Clockworks? The Chink pauses to decide whether he should talk any further, then proceeds. CHINK The Clockworks is one reason that I am here on Siwash Ridge. I accepted the invitation to be initiated as a shaman by an aged Siwash chief who was the principle outside confederate of the Clock People. SISSY Siwash, huh? CHINK He was a degenerated warlock who could turn urine into beer, and the honor that he extended me gave me rights of occupancy in this sacred cave on this far-away Siwash Ridge. I came to the Dakota hills to construct a clockworks of my own. Sissy cradles her head in her arms, but is startled by a louder noise from the clockworks. The Chink is startled too. Bonk! sounds the cave, and then it chimes poing! The Chink smiles at the noise coming from his clockworks. CHINK But unlike the clockworks of the Clock People, my ticks more accurately echo the ticks of the universe.... (he listens) ......ha ha ho ho and hee hee. SISSY The Clock People? INT. CAVE NIGHT The Chink leads Sissy into the cave where we see his clockworks. It is made of garbage can lids and old saucepans and lard tins and car fenders all wired together with baling wire. A bat flies into it making a bong noise and the contraption moves a little. CHINK During the Second World War I busted out of Tule Lake detention camp; as a Japanese-American, I had been put there and watched over. I found refuge with the Clock People, who discovered me in a snow bank, near dead, I had been climbing across the Sierra Nevada mountains. SISSY Then if you are Japanese, then why are you called the Chink? CHINK The Clock People mistook me for Chinese. And the name stuck. In the same way that all Indian tribes came to be labeled "Indians" through the ignorance of an Italian sailor with a taste for oranges, it is only fitting that "Indians" misnamed me. The Clock People, however, are not a tribe, rather they are a gathering of Indians from various tribes. They have lived together since 1906. INT. THE GREAT BURROW A gathering of the Clock People. A woman is giving birth near the Giant timekeeping hourglass. CHINK The pivotal function of the Clock People is the keeping and observing of the clockworks. It is a real thing, and is kept at the center, at the soul, of the Great Burrow. Insofar as it is possible, all Clock People deaths and births occur in the presence of the clockworks. Aside from birthing or dying, the reason for the daily visits to the clockworks is to check the time. INT. SIWASH CAVE NIGHT Sissy listens to the Chink as they walk around the Chink's clockworks. CHINK These people have no other ritual than this one. Likewise, they have but one legend or cultural myth: that of a continuum they call the Eternity of Joy. It is into the Eternity of Joy that they believe all men will pass once the clockworks is destroyed. The destruction must come from the outside, must come by natural means, must come at the will of this gesticulating planet whose more acute stirrings thoughtless people call "earthquakes." The Chink holds Sissy's thumbs in his hands adoringly. CHINK The Earth is alive. She burns inside with the heat of cosmic longing. She longs to be with her husband again. She moans. She turns softly in her sleep. In the Eternity of Joy, pluralized, deurbanized man, at ease with his gentle technologies, will smile and sigh when the Earth begins to shake. I loved those loony redskins, but I couldn't be a party to their utopian dreaming. After a while it occurred to me that the Clock People waiting for the Eternity of Joy was virtually identical to the Christians waiting for the Second Coming. Or the Communists waiting for the worldwide revolution. Or the Debbies waiting for the flying saucers. All the same. Just more suckers betting their share of the present on the future, banking every misery on a happy ending to history. Well, history is ending every second - happily for some of us, unhappily for others, happily one second, unhappily the next. History is always ending and always not ending... ha ha ho ho and hee hee. Sissy interrupts the Chink for a second while he is worshipping her thumbs. SISSY What do you believe in then? CHINK Ha ha ho ho and hee hee. Then he says nothing. And his silence makes Sissy weep. They sit down on a grass floor, illuminated by the fire outside the cave. Then the Chink, without hesitation, grasps her thumbs. He squeezes them, caresses them, covers them with wet kisses, telling them how beautiful they are. Sissy is bowled over, frightened, stunned, elated, moved almost to tears. Sissy bends her head back and whispers. SISSY If this be adultery, make the most of it. And as the Chink plunges into Sissy, she arches her spread bottom against the blankets and rears up to meet him halfway. Their bodies glowing in the firelight, they cast shadows of ANCIENT BEINGS, anthropomorphs making love through the night under the moon. INT. CAVE DAY SUNBEAMS awaken Sissy. When she looks around she sees an inscription has been freshly scrawled on the right wall. I BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING; NOTHING IS SACRED. And on the left wall: I BELIEVE IN NOTHING; EVERYTHING IS SACRED. Sissy hears and then sees A HELICOPTER in the sky above the ranch. Sissy gets up and walks out of the cave. EXT. TRAIL MORN Sissy walks. EXT. RUBBER ROSE Sissy hitches a ride out of town. EXT. FRONT DOORSTEPS MORNING Countless NEWSPAPERS on countless porches, and the headline of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reads: OUR WHOOPING CRANES ARE MISSING. INT. THE COUNTESS' OFFICE DAY The countess is in a snit. THE COUNTESS Sissy, don't play dumb with me! You're a good model but a shitty actress. The cowgirls are involved in this whooping crane disappearance. You know perfectly well they are. Last seen in Nebraska. Didn't make it to Canada. Siwash Lake is between Nebraska and Canada. The cowgirls have possession of Siwash Lake. And who else but Jellybean's wild cunts could possibly conceive of doing something so diabolical as to tamper with the last flock of some nearly extinct birds? How much do you know about it? Have they murdered those cranes the way they murdered my moo cows? SISSY I don't know anything about it. THE COUNTESS Sissy. You're trying to protect those scuzzy bitches. Well, let your conscience be your guide, as my mommy used to say, but it won't work. Those stinking sluts are going to suffer... Sissy strikes the Countess with her right thumb -- with astonishing force. Immediately the thumb strikes again, this time shattering the Countess's monocle against his eye. THE COUNTESS (gasping) Shit O dear. HIS DENTURES fall onto the shag rug. The left thumb strikes. Sissy is swinging her thumbs like ballbats socking flaming homers over the left-field fence. The countess is out on his feet. His eyes are closed. His legs wobble. He does a pathetic dance, like a drunken old fool trying to boogie with a chorus girl. He topples forward and meets Sissy's onrushing thumb of thunder which straightens him up, sends him over backward. Motionless, he lies on the floor, a crimson part in his thinning hair, a bright ooze at each nostril. INT. HOSPITAL DAY Seated on a spotless wooden bench is Sissy, staring at a clock. A surgeon emerges. SURGEON Well, he's not out of danger, but I think we can safely say he's going to make it. I'd be pretty surprised if he didn't. However, there is evidence of injury to the frontal lobe, and I have reason to fear that this injury may be permanent. The patient may never again function as a normal human being. SISSY Brain damage? You mean he's going to be a vegetable? SURGEON Vegetable? Vegetable? I wouldn't say that, no. We won't ascertain the extent of the injury for some days. But there is a genuine possibility of severe and lasting behavioral defects. I wouldn't classify it in the vegetable category, however. EXT. STREET DAY SISSY IS HITCHING OUT OF TOWN. A conservative blue Econoline van out of the throngs of traffic draws itself to Sissy as if on a string. SISSY HOPS IN. INT. VAN DAY The DRIVER stomps on the gas. With a sense of disgust at her own failure Sissy scrutinizes his sweaty brow, his smug hot leer, his starving eyes. Her heart sinks when she sees his gun and his knife. He is also unzipping his pants. DRIVER I'm going to give it to you like you've never had it before. Oh, you didn't know it could be this good. You're gonna like it. You're gonna like it. You're gonna like it so good. You're gonna love it so much you're gonna cry. You're gonna cry. You're gonna cry and cry. Do you like to cry? Do you like it when it hurts a little bit? Whatever happens to you, it'll be worth it. The way I'm gonna give it to you, it'll be worth anything. Everything. Go ahead and cry if you want to. I like it when women cry. It means they appreciate me. EXT. STREET DAY The van pulls over down a dead end alley between warehouses. INT. VAN DAY Sissy looks into the back at a soiled mattress. The driver is taking his dick out of his pants. But with a swift swoosh, Sissy's left thumb comes down hard on the penis top, making the driver howl. His finger fumbles for the gun trigger, but before he gets to it, Sissy's thumb splats between his eyes. Twice. Three times. He loses control of the van. EXT. VAN DAY It lumbers into a street lamp. Sissy leaps from the vehicle and runs. INT. WORKING MAN'S LUNCHEONETTE DAY Sissy goes in and begins to cry at the counter as she looks at her thumbs. EXT. NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE DAY Into a sunset hitches Sissy. EXT. ROAD NIGHT SISSY hops into a semi. AND ROAD SIGNS: TRENTON N.J. BALTIMORE MD WASHINGTON D.C. Then RICHMOND, VA EXT. DR. DREYFUS'S HOUSE DAY An older Dr. Dreyfus answers the door. Without Sissy's asking he speaks. DR. DREYFUS I'm afraid I can't help you. SISSY But Doctor. DREYFUS Please, child, don't be dismayed. We all have problems these days. But as the painter Van Gogh said, 'Mysteries remain, sorrow or melancholy remains, but the everlasting negative is balanced by the positive work which thus is achieved, after all.' I don't suppose that means very much to you. I have retired. A victim of a malpractice suit. SISSY (embracing him) Oh, Doctor! You've got to do it. You and nobody else should be allowed to take away my gift. In her embrace, the Doctor is presented with her thumbs. DR. DREYFUS Ah, the thumb. LATER sitting inside his study, Dreyfus muses. DR. DREYFUS The thumb the thumb the thumb the thumb the thumb the thumb. One of evolution's most ingenious inventions; a built-in tool sensitive to texture, contour and temperature: an alchemical lever; the secret key to technology; the link between the mind and art; a humanizing device. The marmoset and the lemur are thumbless; none of the New World monkeys has opposable thumbs; the spider monkey's thumbs are absent or reduced to a tiny tubercle; the thumbs of the potto are set at an angle of one hundred eighty degrees to the other digits. Pause. DR. DREYFUS And so you are demanding at last the privileges of thumb that nature has perversely denied you? SISSY I just want to be normal, give me that old-fashioned normality. It was good enough for Crazy Horse and it's good enough for me. DR. DREYFUS Ah, yes. Very well, my dear. Here is what we can do. VIEWS OF Sissy admitted to a hospital Blood analyzed in a laboratory. Powerful lamps turn on in an operating room. IV tubes are inserted in veins. Sissy is wheeled into surgery. An anesthesiologist sticks a needle into a curved and creamy ass. An anesthesiologist sticks needles into a long, graceful neck. A nurse scrubs an arm. A body and table are draped with sheets to create a sterile field. A tourniquet is placed on a slender right arm. An elastic rubber bandage is applied so tightly it squeezes most of the blood out of an arm. A tourniquet is inflated. A surgeon outlines in iodine an incision around the base of a thumb. Pale smooth skin is incised along a premarked line and dissected down to the bone. Woman flesh is sewn shut with four-ought nylon suture. A tourniquet is deflated, a bloody arm bathed. A young woman is rolled into a recovery room. A nurse and two surgeons, their attention directed by an intensifying pinkish glow, turn to stare into a metal pan, where a huge human thumb, disarticulated from the hand it has been severed from, is now flopping about like a trout, or rather, arching and thrusting itself in a calculated and endlessly repeated gesture, the gesture of the hitchhike. EXT. SKY DAY Two representatives of the Fish and Wildlife Service are flying over Siwash Lake in a U.S. Forestry Service Helicopter. THEY CAN SEE the whooping cranes by the side of the lake. And as they are recording this, shots from a band of young women on horseback drive them away. EXT. RUBBER ROSE RANCH DAY the same two agents are driving in a truck approaching the Rubber Rose Ranch. Two bullet ricochets spin off the hood and roof of their truck and they stop to see a lone teenaged cowgirl with a rifle. EXT. RUBBER ROSE GATES DAY An entourage of Forest Service Rangers, a county sheriff, four deputy shriffs, a state game warden and Mottburg's town marshall and several of his deputies, the editor of the Mottburg Gazette and a couple of bird watchers or two are met by... AT LEAST FIFTEEN ARMED FEMALES at the gate of the Ranch. Through a bullhorn, Jelly speaks out at the entourage of law enforcement officers. JELLY Yep, the whooping cranes are here all right. They're in fine shape, and as you musta saw from your fucking whirly machine, unrestrained, free to go as they please. But this is private property and you aren't laying a foot on it. None of you. SHERIFF We'll be back with a court order and a fistful of search warrants. JELLY Just come back with a couple of people who know what they're doing and we'll let'em in for a nice close look at the birds. DELORES And make sure at least one of them is female, and you better do as we say or there may be trouble. AND OVER THE AIRWAVES an announcement is broadcast. INT. WHITE HOUSE DAY THE ASSISTANT INTERIOR UNDERSECRETARY IS SPEAKING INTO A MICROPHONE FOR THE NEWS, and reading from a paper in his hand. UNDERSECRETARY It will be my extreme pleasure to report to the President... INT. SCHOOL AURITORIUM Students listening... UNDERSECRETARY ...who has been gravely concerned about the fate of our whooping cranes.... EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE DAY Two construction workers high atop the city listening to a small transistor radio and eating lunch. UNDERSECRETARY ...and to the Interior Secretary and to the American people that the entire flock of cranes is, indeed, at... EXT. MALL DAY A crowd of people listening to a broadcast in front of a bandstand set up in front of the mall. UNDERSECRETARY VOICE ...Siwash Lake and in apparently healthy condition. The crowd cheers. UNDERSECRETARY VOICE ....The cranes have built brooding nests around the whole circumference of the small lake, and have... EXT. FIELD DAY Cowgirls are watching a small television. UNDERSECRETARY ....hatched chicks there. Counting the young birds, there are now approximately sixty cranes in the flock. While this is good news, it is also quite bewildering... EXT. RUBBER ROSE RANCH DAY A vehicle know as "the peyote wagon" pulls out of the Rubber Rose. Delores del Ruby is at the wheel. And over her truck radio we hear: UNDERSECRETARY (V.O.) ...Whooping cranes are territorially minded and have never been known to nest as close as a mile to one another, yet here they are virtually side by side. EXT. HILL DAY A lone FBI man sees the peyote wagon leaving the ranch through his binoculars. INT. CAR NIGHT Sissy hears a broadcast over a moving car radio. NEWS REPORTER The Rubber Rose Ranch has issued a communiqué that was sent to the federal judge and copies of a recording to the press, today. We can hear the voice of Bonanza Jellybean: JELLY (over the radio) THE WHOOPING CRANE HAS BEEN DRIVEN TO THE EDGE OF EXTINCTION BY AN AGGRESSIVE, BRUTAL PATERNALISTIC SYSTEM INTENT ON SUBDUING THE EARTH AND ESTABLISHING ITS DOMINION OVER ALL THINGS -- IN THE NAME OF GOD THE FATHER, LAW, ORDER AND ECONOMIC PROGRESS. Sissy recognizes the voice. SISSY That's Jellybean! JELLY (V.O.) FROM MEN, THE WHOOPING CRANE HAS RECEIVED NEITHER LOVE NOR RESPECT. MEN HAVE DRAINED THE CRANE'S MARSHES, STOLEN ITS EGGS, INVADED ITS PRIVACY, POLLUTED ITS FOOD, FOULED ITS AIR, BLOWN IT APART WITH BUCKSHOT. INT. RANCH OFFICE Jelly is on the telephone. JELLY OBVIOUSLY, A PATERNALISTIC SOCIETY DOES NOT DESERVE ANYTHING AS GRAND AND BEAUTIFUL AND WILD AND FREE AS THE WHOOPING CRANE. YOU MEN HAVE FAILED IN YOUR DUTY TO THE CRANE. NOW IT IS WOMEN'S TURN. THE CRANES ARE IN OUR CHARGE NOW. WE WILL PROTECT THEM AS LONG AS THEY STILL REQUIRE PROTECTION -- INT. HOSPITAL RECOVERY ROOM DAY Sissy listens to the radio. JELLY'S VOICE WHILE WORKING TOWARD A DAY WHEN THE CREATURES OF THE WORLD NO LONGER HAVE TO SUFFER MAN'S EGOISM, INSENSITIVITY AND GREED. WE REFUSE YOUR ORDER. WE SAY TAKE YOUR ORDER AND SHOVE IT. THIS FLOCK OF BIRDS IS STAYING WITH US. GET LOST, MAC. EXT. ROAD DAY Sissy is hitchhiking with her new thumb. But cars pass one after another without stopping. Until Sissy finally tries her left thumb, which has been spared the knife. With this thumb there are new maneuvers to try out. And as soon as the does, a car stops. MOSAIC of hitchhiking brilliance with Sissy's use of her left thumb. A CLOCK IS TICKING past twelve then on to six and past eight.... she dances wildly around traffic, stopping the hardest of drivers, THE CLOCK TICKS AWAY and within thirty hours she is approaching Mottburg again. EXT. RUBBER ROSE DAY The Ranch is now surrounded by two hundred federal marshalls reinforced by a dozen FBI agents with loaded guns taking position outside the ranch. Sissy gets out of her car and walks past the posse and through the gates. Kym carries a radio which is playing "The Day-Old Apple Strudel Polka" across the corral. She carries the radio as if it is a suitcase full of skunk lice. KYM Man, this is the stupidest music I've ever heard. This radio should have stayed in the privy where it belongs. Kym ropes the radio to her saddle horn and prepares to give it a ride across the Dakota hills. She gets on her horse and rides by the Ranch bungalows and spies Sissy sitting in the outhouse. SISSY Howdy. Kym gets off her horse and hugs Sissy. KYM You know what you're getting into if you come over to the lake... SISSY Yes, but I want to be there. I want to see Jellybean. I want to see the cranes. THEY RIDE ACROSS THE HILLS. Then they stop at an outlook and Sissy sees the circular barricade in the field below. KYM We heard on the radio that the judge has set Delores's bail at fifty thousand dollars. Now she won't be here when we really need her. EXT. CAMP DAY A few cowgirls in the camp huddle around a radio: RADIO NEWS REPORT The American Civil Liberties Union has requested an extension for the Rubber Rose Ranch. The government is aware of the inflamed situation and are afraid that all the marshals and agents might be too willing to uncork the bottle of blood... SISSY RIDES INTO CAMP on the back of Kym's horse the way that John Wayne would have ridden into the Alamo; Heather, Bonanza Jellybean, Debbie, Elaine and Linda dance up to meet her. Before Sissy is completely on the ground, Jelly's tongue is in her mouth. She stumbles out of a stirrup into a wiggly embrace. JELLY Let's celebrate! Debbie stokes up a big joint right now, as Jelly gets out her six guns and fires them in the air. Heather twirls and jumps through her rope. The "Unsung Hero Returns Polka" strikes up on the radio. Elaine rears up on her horse. EXT. HILLSIDE DAY FROM AFAR, AN FBI AGENT views the little going on. AGENT Ain't that just like women. But as the Agent is saying this, viewing them from the ridge, a large rock tumbles down the hill and grazes his head, knocking him out. VIEW of the side of the ridge from where the rock came, but there is strangely nothing where we expect to see the Chink. BELOW: The cowgirls. JELLY Looks like every time we get together things are in a mess. SISSY So be it. It looks serious this time, though. All these guns... are you actually prepared to kill and die for whooping cranes? JELLY Hell no, the cranes are wonderful, okay, but I'm not in this for whooping cranes. I'm in it for cowgirls. If we cowgirls give in to authority on this crane issue, then cowgirls become just another compromise. I want a finer fate than that -- for me and for every other cowgirl. Better no cowgirls at all than cowgirls compromised. SISSY How did this business get started, anyhow? Why are the birds nesting here? DEBBIE You were aware that we were feeding them, weren't you? We fed them brown rice and they stayed over a couple of extra days. Then we decided to try something different. We mixed our brown rice with fishmeal -- whoopers love seafood, and fishmeal is cheap. Then Delores suggested another ingredient, and we think that's what did the trick. SISSY You mean... DEBBIE AND JELLY TOGETHER PEYOTE! SISSY They're drugged. JELLY Aw, come off it, Sissy. What do you mean, 'drugged'? Every living thing is a chemical composition and anything that is added to it changes that composition. When you eat a cheeseburger or a Three Musketeers bar, it changes your body chemistry. The kind of food you eat, the kind of air you breathe, can change your mental state. Does that mean you're 'drugged'? Sissy frames the flock with the hole in the center of her cheese sandwich. SISSY No, I guess not. JELLY 'Drugged' is a stupid word. SISSY But the peyote is obviously affecting their brains. It's made them break a migratory pattern that goes back thousands of years. DEBBIE The way I see it, is that the peyote mellowed them out. Made them less uptight. They were afraid of bad weather and humans. That's why they migrated and kept to themselves. But the peyote has enlightened them. It's taught them there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Now they're digging life and letting the bad vibes slide on. Don't worry, be happy. Be here now. SISSY Fear in wild animals is completely different from paranoia in people. In the wilderness ecosystem, fear is natural and necessary. It's merely a mechanism for maintaining life. If the cranes hadn't had a capacity for fear, they would have disappeared long ago and you'd be having to get loaded with common old everyday meadowlarks and mallards. JELLY This here discussion is destined to become academic. Because we've got less than half a bag of peyote buttons left and Delores's run ended up in the Mottburg jail. So any day now we'll get a chance to see how the whoopers behave when they come down, to see if the peyote experience really changed them or not. But in the meantime, I want to say this about fear..... Then Sissy and Jelly hear a news broadcast on the radio. ANNOUNCER Judge Greenfield, at the request of the ACLU, has granted a forty-eight- hour extension of the deadline by which the Rubber Rose cowgirls must comply with his order. Negotiations between the cowgirls and the government are expected to follow. Another item in, the forewoman of the Rubber Rose Ranch, a Delores del Ruby is now free on bond after having been arrested in Mottburg with more than fifty pounds of peyote buttons. Her bail has been paid by the owner of the besieged ranch, Countess Products, Inc. Miss del Ruby's bail having come from the tycoon's personal advisor, a certain Dr. Robbins of New York City. SISSY Dr. Robbins? EXT. PRAIRIE NIGHT Sissy and Jelly lie under the same stars, under the same blankets. Under the same spell. JELLY Every time I tell you that I love you, you flinch. But that's your problem. SISSY If I flinch when you say you love me, it's both our problems. My confusion becomes your confusion. Students confuse teachers, patients confuse psychiatrists, lovers with confused hearts confuse lovers with clear hearts.... EXT. CAMPFIRE NIGHT Delores and some of the other cowgirls are talking. A sharp wind is beginning to gust. DELORES It isn't for ourselves that we take this stand. It isn't for cowgirls. It's for all the daughters everywhere. This is an extremely important confrontation. This is womankind's chance to prove to her enemy that she's willing to fight and die. If we women don't show here and now that we aren't afraid to fight and die, then our enemy will never take us seriously. Men will always know that, no matter how strong our words and determined our deeds, there's a point where we'll back down and give them their way. Delores cracks her whip then parades around the campfire. DELORES I'm prepared to win! Victory for every female, living or dead, who's suffered the temporary defeats of masculine insensitivity to their inner lives! A few of the cowgirls cheer. DONNA I'll fight the bastards. Big Red opens a can of beans with a Bowie knife. BIG RED I'll fight 'em with bean gas, if necessary. Delores snaps her whip again. DELORES The sun's going down. Let's those of us not standing watch get some sleep. In the morning we'll plan our fight. Tomorrow afternoon those of you who'd like can join me in the reeds, where the cranes and I will be sharing the last crumbs left in the peyote sack. EXT. SIWASH LAKE DAY Delores del Ruby appears from the reeds at Siwash Lake's edge, asleep yet awake. She has sunk so deep into the hole in her mind that gale and dust could not follow her. AS SHE APPROACHES THE COWGIRL CAMP, THEY GATHER AROUND HER IN A TIGHT CIRCLE. MANY ARE TRANSFIXED as they listen. DELORES It is woman's mission to destroy as well as to give birth. We will destroy the tyranny of the dull. But we can't destroy it with guns. Or whips. Violence is the dullard's Breakfast of Champions and the logical end product of his or her misplaced pride. Violence fertilizes that which we would starve. No, we will destroy the enemy in other ways. The Peyote Mother has promised a Fourth Vision. But it won't come to me alone. It will come to each of you, to every cowgirl in the land, when you have overcome that in your own self which is dull. The Fourth Vision will come to some men too. You will recognize them when you meet them, and be their steady sidekicks in equal and ecstatic escapades of poetic behavior and romance. Delores holds up a card. The prairie moon illuminates its tattered edges. It is the jack of hearts. The forewoman seems to be tiring. Fumes of weariness stream from her black hair. Her voice is leaning against the wall of her larynx when she says: DELORES First thing, you must end this business with the government and the cranes. It's been positive and fruitful, but it's gone far enough. Playfulness ceases to serve a serious purpose when it takes itself too seriously. Sorry I won't be with you at the conclusion. As you know, I've been sick and stupid for a long time. I have a lot to make up for, a lot to accomplish, and there's someone important that I've got to see. Now. As graceful as a ballet for cobras, Delores turns and walks away into the night. EXT. RANCH GATES DAY THE FBI, other VIGILANTES and POLICEMEN wait in anticipation of an attack outside of the boundaries of the ranch. EXT. THE COWGIRL COMPOUND DAY Jelly is addressing the group of cowgirls. JELLY Well, what we got to do is one of us has got to go up that hill and tell them boys that America can have its whooping cranes back. Since I'm the boss here, and since I'm responsible for a lot of you choosing to be cowgirls in the first place, it's gonna be me that goes... Small protests from the circle of cowgirls. JELLY No buts about it. It's getting lighter by the second. You podners keep your heads down. Ta ta. The cutest cowgirl in the world stood up and stretched out. COWGIRL Jelly! Please! But Jelly is already on her way. BONANZA JELLYBEAN VAULTS over the carcass of a reducing machine and plants her Tony Lama boots in the stirrup of her saddle and straddles her horse and takes off. EXT. COMPOUND DAY The posse surrounding the ranch, can see Jelly coming over the hill on her horse at a full gallop. EXT. HILL DAY Jelly stops her horse, looks down at her waist, and sees her sixguns. JELLY Better get rid of these. Might give those greenhorn dudes a fright. THROUGH the scope of an FBI rifle, Jelly is drawing her gun out of her holster. AGENT She's going to fire.... He squeezes the trigger, and Jelly is caught in the stomach with a bullet. She falls off her horse to the ground. THE CHINK sees Bonanza Jellybean cut down from a vantage point on the hill, and makes a beeline for the government barricades, SHOUTING. THE COWGIRLS scream and cry, and grab their weapons. A couple of them leap from the barricade and are immediately riddled. EXT. HILL DAY The six-gun slips from her fingers. Twenty or thirty more sweaty triggers are squeezed on the hilltop firing at Bonanza Jellybean. THE CHINK RUNNING AND SHOUTING. EXT. COWGIRL CAMP DAY A VOICE OVER THE BULLHORN directed at the cowgirls echoes: VOICE You've got two minutes to come out with you hands over your heads! RANDOM G-MEN are sniping at the cowgirls, making it impossible to surrender. A stray bullet SENDS THE CHINK back down the hillside, beard, robe and sandals flying. IN THE HUSH that follows, in the echoes of the explosive fire, the whooping crane flock rises in one grand assault of beating feathers - a lily white storm of life, a gush of albino Gabriels -- swarm into the waiting sky, and circle the pond one time before flapping south toward Texas... ...they cast shadows over a dead Jellybean who is literally biting the dust. Sissy lifts Jelly out of the dust and holds her. Sissy lifts Jelly's satin shirt tail and pulls down the waistband of her skirt. Bright red blood is running out of her scar. JELLY Right in the scar where I fell on a wooden horse when I was twelve. Haw, I wasn't really shot with a silver bullet. Confessing to Sissy. JELLY Or was I? EXT. NEW YORK SKY The cranes fly over the Statue of Liberty. EXT. PARISIAN SKY The Cranes fly over the Eiffel tower. EXT. RUSSIAN SKY The Cranes fly over Red Square. INT. MORGUE DAY An undertaker pounding five nails into a white coffin. ON THE TOP OF THE COFFIN are engraved two crossed GOLD SIXGUNS. There are eleven famous cowgirls enameled on the edges and in the middle it reads: BONANZA JELLYBEAN 1944-1973 "Ha ha ho ho and hee hee" Title card: The brown paper bag. A brown paper bag is sitting on the side of the road. A VOICE The brown paper bag is the only thing civilized man has produced that does not seem out of place in nature. Crumpled into a wad of wrinkles, like the fossilized brain of a dryad; its kinship to tree (to knot and nest) unobscured by the cruel crush of industry; absorbing the elements like any other organic entity; blending with rock and vegetation as if it were a burrowing owl's door mat or a jack rabbit's underwear, a No. 8 Kraft paper bag lay discarded in the hills of Dakota and appeared to live where it lay. Once long ago, it had borne a package of buns and a jar of mustard to a kitchenette rendezvous with a fried hamburger. More recently, the bag had held........ love letters. View of a bunkhouse trunk. VOICE As a hole in an oak hides a squirrel's family jewels, the bag had hidden love letters in the bottom of a bunkhouse trunk. Hands lift the contents of the trunk away, rope, spurs, and blanket and find the hidden sack of letters. VOICE Then one day after work, the button- nosed little cowgirl to whom the letters were addressed gathered bag and contents under her arm, slipped out to the corral... We see the Cowgirl saddling her horse late in the day. VOICE ...past ranch hands pitching horseshoes and ranch hands flying Tibetan kites, saddled up and trotted into the hills. We see the Cowgirl riding along a ridge. VOICE A mile or so from the bunkhouse, she dismounted and built a small fire; she fed the fire letters. And this we see also, the lonely Cowgirl feeding the letters to a fire in the dusky early night. We can see the cowgirl is Sissy Hankshaw. VOICE ...one by one, the way her girl friend had once fed her french fries. She is crying now and feeding the fire, close of words like "always" and "forever" burning up. VOICE As words such as sweetheart" and "honey britches" and "forever" and "always" burned away, the cowgirl squirted a few tears. Her eyes were so misty she forgot to burn the bag. INT. BUNKHOUSE NIGHT Sissy is sobbing. Big Red offers a piece of homemade fudge and shows no surprise when Sissy refuses it. Kym kisses the lips quickly of the despondent Cowgirl, and the bunkhouse lights go out. Delores plunks a carefree song on an old Gibson, looks up at the moon. DELORES You know, podner, you can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. She plunks a few notes. DELORES God, but it's good to be a cowgirl. And the bunkhouse lights are turned off. There are some giggles from the cowgirls. INT. MAIN BEDROOM RANCH DAY THE CHINK wakes up and is being cared for by Sissy. He is in pain, but winking. SISSY Is everything getting worse? CHINK Yes, everything is getting worse. But everything is also getting better. SISSY The Countess has come to our aid. The Rubber Rose Ranch is officially deeded to all the cowgirls. And I have been asked to oversee the ranch. For $300 a week. And as it turns out, the Countess is not going to be the vegetable the doctors thought he was... here's a picture! Sissy shows a picture of the Countess recovering in a hospital bed, posing next to Doctor Robbins. CHINK I want to go back to the Clock People. I kind of miss those fool redskins and wonder what they're up to. What's happened to Jelly? SISSY She had a one way-ticket to Kansas City. CHINK You mean she's dead? The Chink mourns a bit. SISSY But that's an old story now...... I can't believe that you would leave the Butte. CHINK Easy come, easy go. DELORES Wow, you sure have a way with words. The Chink looks over and sees that Delores is standing in the doorway. CHINK I can't help it if I grew up in an antipoetic culture. Language will be different when I'm with the Clock People though. They're from an oral tradition. And I'm not talking about what you horny hop toads do in bed every night. The Chink smiles. Delores blushes. SISSY Well, if the Clock People give you any inside information on the end of the world, drop us a postcard. CHINK The world isn't going to end, you dummy; I hope you know that much. (he grows uncharacteristically serious) But it is going to change. It's going to change drastically, and probably in your lifetime. The Clock People see calamitous earthquakes as the agent of change, and they may be right, since there are a hundred thousand earthquakes a year and major ones are long overdue. But there are far worse catastrophes coming... unless the human race can bring itself to abandon the goals and values of civilization, in other words, unless it can break the consumption habit -- and we are so conditioned to consuming as a way of life that for most of us life would have no meaning without the yearnings and rewards of progressive consumption. It isn't merely that our bad habits will cause global catastrophes, but that our operative political-economic philosophies have us in such a blind crab grip that they prevent us from preparing for the natural disasters that are not our fault. So the apocalyptic shit is going to hit the fan, all right, but there'll be some of us it'll miss. Little pockets of humanity. Like the Clock People. Like you two honeys, if you decide to accept my offer of a lease on Siwash Cave. There's almost no worldwide calamity -- famine, nuclear accident, plague, weather warfare or reduction of the ozone shield -- that you couldn't survive in that cave. He begins to caress Sissy's belly. His eyes are smiling. Sissy is surprised. CHINK Suppose that you bear five or six children with your characteristics. All in Siwash Cave. In a postcatastrophe world, your offspring would of necessity intermarry, forming in time a tribe. A tribe every member of which had giant thumbs. A tribe of Big Thumbs would relate to the environment in very special ways. It could not use weapons or produce sophisticated tools. It would have to rely on its wits and its senses. It would have to live with animals -- and plants! -- as virtual equals. It's extremely pleasant to me to think about a tribe of physical eccentrics living peacefully with animals and plants, learning their languages, perhaps, and paying them the respect they deserve. SISSY How am I going to be the progenitor of a tribe when I'm living on an isolated ridgetop with Delores? CHINK That's your problem. The Chink coughs. CHINK Listen to the way I'm babbling. That bullet must have loosened one of my transistors. Don't pay any attention to me. You've got to work it out for yourself. The westbound choo-choo leaves Mottburg at one-forty. I want to be on it. Will you drive me to the station? INT. TRUCK DAY Sissy and Delores are driving the Chink out the front gate of the Rubber Rose. CHINK Schedules! Ironic how I have to follow timetables in order to get back to the clockworks. He yells out the window of the moving vehicle. CHINK Don't ever bet against paradox, ladies... EXT. THE RUBBER ROSE GATES We hear the Chink yelling, and the Rubber Rose sign is being changed to one that reads El Rancho Jellybean. CHINK ....if complexity doesn't beat you, then paradox will. Ha ha ho ho and hee hee..... And the truck disappears into the prairie land. A LONG DARK PAUSE, UNTIL finally we are inside the cave where the Chink's Clockworks are at work..... poing! It is revealed that Sissy is with Delores snug in the old hermit's living quarters. She listens to the clinking of the Chink's Clockworks. And feels her belly. The swell of her belly has forced her to sleep on her back. CLOSE VIEW of Sissy's belly, and a little foot kicks from inside. Or is it a foot? VIEW INSIDE THE BELLY of Sissy's unborn baby. It is half- Japanese, one thirty-second Siwash and all thumbs. The moving thumbs are hitchhiking you..... THE END

EVIL DEAD by Sam Raimi BOOK OF THE DEAD "The Ultimate Experience In Grueling Terror" By Sam Raimi 10/13/79 SCENE CODING Interior - I Exterior - E Day - D Night - N Twilight - T LOCATION CODING CAR - Car B - Bridge CAB - Surrounding area outside cabin W - Woods M.R. - Main Room D.R. - Dining Room K - Kitchen C - Cellar W.S. - Work Shed L.B. - Linda's Bedroom S.B. - Shelly's Bedroom C.B. - Cheryl's Bedroom B.T.R- Bathroom EXAMPLE 12 ID - D.R. TRANSLATION Scene #12, Interior, Day, Dining Room 1 ED - W Something evil is lurking deep withing the wooded moun- tains of Tennessee, and the camera takes its point of view. Rising from a swampy bog, the mud slides from view allowing it to see early morning mist hanging about the forest. Creeping silently past trees, gliding over small shrubs, it moves onward through the woods until a mammoth oak rests directly in its path. The tree is uprooted by this unseen force, and falls with a deafening crash. 2 ED - CAR Near by, a stretch of highway curves along the base of a mountain. The road winds off into oblivion beyond other peaks. From behind view, the rumble of an engine can be heard. It is a large logging truck headed south. Moving away, the truck becomes smaller until finally it disap- pears in the distance. From where the truck emerged, a dilapidated gold 1973 Oldsmobile comes into view. 3 ID - CAR Inside, five people can be seen. They are couples ASHLY and LINDA, SCOTT and SHELLY, and CHERYL, ASHLY's sister. Both SCOTT and SHELLY wear "Michigan State" T-shirts, and are students along with the others at that univer- sity. SCOTT is driving and SHELLY sits next to him up front. ASHLY, LINDA and CHERYL are in back. They listen to an old "Baby Moses And The Thrillers" song on the radio, and SHELLY is slapping the dash board as if it were a drum. SHELLY (Singing with the music)... Together, forever... SCOTT Ash, where are we? ASHLY I'll tell ya in a second. Now we're still on seventy-five just past the county border... 4 ED - W Once again, the camera takes the point of view of the dark and brooding force which stops atop a forest ridge to peer downward. Its view focuses upon the 1973 Olds- mobile speeding along the narrow highway below. 5 ID - CAR ASHLY traces a route on the map with his finger. ASHLY ...Which would put us...which would put us... SCOTT Jesus Christ, just tell us already will ya? ASHLY zeroes in on the map with his finger. ASHLY ...Right... SCOTT is growing impatient. ASHLY ...Right... SCOTT Yes? ASHLY Here! Suddenly, the radio stops, and the steering wheel jerks from SCOTT's hand. 6 ED - CAR The car screetches out of control into the opposite lane. A large oncoming tanker truck with its horn screaming races toward the car on a collision coarse. 7 ID - CAR SHELLY Scotty, watch out! 8 ED - CAR The truck races closer. 9 ID - CAR Their steering wheel is locked. ASHLY Turn! 10 ED - CAR At the last possible instant, SCOTT's wheel again can be controlled, and the car swerves sharply back into its own lane. 11 ED - CAR The truck speeds harmlessly past them. 12 ID - CAR ASHLY Damn it Scott, what the hell was that? You trying to kill us? SCOTT Don't yell at me, it's your lousy steering wheel. The damn thing jerked right out of my hand. ASHLY I can't understand it. I just had this thing in for a tune-up. SHELLY Radio's dead too, ace. ASHLY And I just had 'em tune up the whole thing yesterday. SCOTT Well, then take it back 'cause the damn thing don't work. Only thing that works on the whole car is the lousy horn. SCOTT honks the horn. 13 ED - CAR Several local MEN walking down the highway respond to the horn by waving. 14 ID - CAR SCOTT yells out the window at them. SCOTT Aw, go to hell, I'm not waving at ya! He looks in the rear view mirror. The MEN are still wav- ing in the distance. SCOTT turns back to drive. SCOTT Jesus Christ. SHELLY turns around in the front seat and holds up a pint of Scotch. SHELLY Well, I'd like to make a toast. To Scott who almost killed us. SCOTT Aw, eat shit and die will ya? SHELLY and the others laugh. SHELLY Okay, okay- then to a wild week-end in a wonderful cabin with good friends, (She glances at SCOTT) provided we live that long. SHELLY cooly drinks from the Scotch and passes the bottle back to ASHLY and LINDA. ASHLY pours LINDA a drink in the bottle cap and keeps the bottle. They raise their drinks. ASHLY and LINDA ...With good friends. They toast, drink and react to the strong liquor. ASHLY tries to hide his reaction to the Scotch in front of LINDA, since SHELLY had reacted so calmly. ASHLY passes the bottle to CHERYL who stops him with a polite "No, thank you," then back up front to SCOTT. LINDA Hey Scotty, what's this place like anyway? SCOTT Well, the guy that's renting it says it's an old place, little run down, but it's right up in the mountains- totally secluded. (He takes a drink from the bottle) Best part is, we get it so cheap. LINDA Why are we getting it so cheap? SCOTT I don't know, might be in real bad shape. CHERYL You mean nobody's seen this place yet? SCOTT Not yet. ASHLY Might not be too bad. LINDA No... ASHLY Actually, it might be very nice. LINDA Yeah... SHELLY It's probably a real pit. CHERYL I can't believe that we're renting a place for a week-end that nobody's seen. SCOTT (Mumbling to himself) Jesus Christ, not this again... CHERYL (Turning to ASHLY) You know, mom and dad would never let us go up to a place like this if they knew- ASHLY -Which is exactly why they don't know. I'll tell you who I am gonna call. The guys that fixed up this car. 15 ED - CAR The car approaches an exit along the highway. 16 ID - CAR ASHLY glances at the map again. ASHLY Hey, I think this is where we get off. 17 ED - CAR The car turns off the main highway and follows several back roads until it approaches a narrow dirt lane that winds upward along a twin set of mountains. 18 ID - CAR SCOTT glances up to the peaks. SCOTT These mountains seem familiar. LINDA What do they remind you of? Some- thing majestic? Adventure? SCOTT Yeah, more like adventure. LINDA Any adventure in particular? SCOTT Shelly's sweater. ASHLY and SCOTT laugh out loud. LINDA laughs quietly, and CHERYL lets out an embarassed giggle to herself. SHELLY (Teasing) Oooh, you're gonna get it Scotty, when you least expect it, you're gonna get it good. 19 ED - B Finally, the car arrives at a wooden bridge extending over a great chasm. Carefully, the vehicle crosses. 20 ED - CAB It is late afternoon when they eventually arrive at their destination. The small wooden cabin is surrounded by thick dark woods. SCOTT shuts off the car but it contin- ues to sputter and backfire. 21 ID - CAR ASHLY reacts to his car. ASHLY I...I sent 'em a check for the tune-up. but I'm just not paying for it. LINDA This place is perfect. CHERYL The woods come awfully close to the house don't they? SCOTT So what's wrong with the woods, they can't bite ya. CHERYL It's just a little claustrophobic that's all. LINDA Well, I think it's beautiful. SHELLY Me too, it's gonna be a bomb week- end. 22 ED - CAB SCOTT moves to the front door of the cabin where he finds a small ring of keys concealed on the shelf above the door. ASHLY unloads the car to the others. SCOTT It's supposed to be one of these on here. After trying several keys, he is able to unlock the door. 23 ID - M.R. The interior of the cabin is completely dark. SCOTT opens the door and stands silhouetted in the doorway for a moment, then enters to find the light switch. The illumination reveals floors, walls, and ceilings made of cedar. There are two small bedrooms, a kitchen, and the main room which contains a stone fireplace set into the wall. An old grandfather clock stands silently in one corner, partially hidden in the shadows. A door in the rear of the cabin leads to a small work shed containing a work bench and an assortment of tools upon the wall. Located centrally in the main room is a trap door leading to the cellar. This catches SCOTT's eye. SCOTT Hey, this place has a dungeon. CHERYL puts down a case of art supplies, and moves over to SCOTT by the trap door. He unlocks a chain securing the trap door with one of his keys and hands the ring to SHELLY. SCOTT Put these back will you? SHELLY leaves with the keys, and SCOTT tries to open the hatch but cannot. SCOTT They nailed it shut. CHERYL Good, I don't like cellars. Probably just some garbage down there anyways. SCOTT Cheryl, they don't nail garbage in cellars. I mean it's not going to try and get out or anything. CHERYL Well, what's down there? SCOTT Well, could be any number of things. Old baseball cards, mushrooms, dead bodies- LINDA Hey, look at this! LINDA is standing in the corner next to the old grand- father clock. She repositions a balance weight, and it begins to tick. LINDA Ta daaaaaa! The others applaud and whistle. LINDA smiles. 24 ET - CAB The cabin is seen from the outside. Twilight has come. 25 IT - M.R. CHERYL sits alone in the living room near the window. She is drawing sketches of the old clock. As she works, the ticking stops unexpectedly. CHERYL puts down her pencil and looks up to the clock. It stands silently in the cor- ner with its hands frozen in position. There is a rust- ling from the woods. CHERYL looks out the window but can see only the trees. Something is moving outside, yet re- mains hidden within the forest. A gust of wind fills the room. CHERYL glances down at her hand. It turns a pale white and begins to shake and jerk about uncontrollably. She stares on incredulously as her hand, guided by some unseen force picks up the pencil and begins to sketch a figure upon her pad. The wind gales through the open window but dies down slowly as her hand completes the drawing. Whatever was at the edge of the woods has now retreated further into them. Her hand loses the pale cast and is now under control once more. CHERYL picks up her pad of paper. The likeness of a book with some form of ancient writing on its cover has been sketched. She looks to the woods which are now silent. A snapping of wood is heard from the cellar. CHERYL quickly turns to the trap door still nailed shut in the floor. Pos- sibly just a mouse, but she fixes her gaze upon it. Another sound, almost like faint breathing comes from the cellar. 26 IT - K/M.R. ASHLY and LINDA enter from the kitchen. ASHLY is drink- ing a beer and moves over to CHERYL. He stands between her and the trap door. ASHLY What're you drawing Cheryl? He picks up the piece of paper. LINDA looks over his shoulder to glance at it. CHERYL I...I don't know. ASHLY Is it a bible? CHERYL No, no it's no bible. (She glances again at the cellar, knowing some- thing is down there) I don't know what it is. LINDA Well, this one of the clock's not bad. LINDA picks up the sketch and walks over to the clock with it a few steps away. She stands comparing it to the real thing with her back to CHERYL and ASHLY. She is only a few inches from the trap door, and CHERYL wants to call out in warning when ASHLY kneels in front of her to speak secretly. ASHLY (In a whisper) I got it right here. He taps something in his shirt pocket. CHERYL is looking past him paying no attention. She watches only LINDA's feet, waiting for whatever is in the cellar to grab them. LINDA looks at the drawing in comparison. LINDA Cheryl, this is really good. I like how you did the numbers in that wood- ish style. ASHLY produces a small box from his shirt and opens it quickly to show CHERYL. It contains a gold pendant on a necklace. LINDA takes a step closer to the clock. She is now standing almost upon the trap door. Although nailed shut, it opens slightly, pulling the nails with it. CHERYL gasps. ASHLY is pleased with her response. ASHLY (Still in a whisper) I knew you'd like it. Quickly, he places it back in his shirt and touches his lips with a finger to indicate the secrecy of his sup- rise. LINDA returns with the sketch and places it back on CHERYL's small drawing table. LINDA It's really good Cheryl. Very close to the origional. CHERYL (In a relieved whisper) Yes, very close. LINDA I'm gonna check dinner. LINDA returns to the kitchen and ASHLY turns to CHERYL. ASHLY You better get washed up. I'll see ya in there. He winks, then follows LINDA into the kitchen. CHERYL again looks at the cellar. Slowly, from her point of view, the camera moves in toward the trap door, wait- ing...waiting. 27 IT - K A blender screams as it mixes up a drink in the kitchen. SHELLY shuts it off and carries it to the dining room. 28 IT - D.R. She joins the others who are now seated at the dinner table and serves the mixture. SCOTT sits between LINDA and CHERYL. He leans over to CHERYL. SCOTT (In a whisper) Dead bodies in the cellar, dead bodies in the cellar... CHERYL Will you stop it? LINDA Scott, leave her alone will ya? SCOTT turns toward LINDA. SCOTT Will you relax, I'm just kidding around. She can take a joke- He stops talking as he hears the trickling of water. He turns to see CHERYL finish pouring a glass of water in his lap. The others laugh. SCOTT is silent for a moment, then begins chuckling to himself. He turns to CHERYL. SCOTT (Jokingly) I'll get ya. With a napkin, he blots the water from his pants. SCOTT I'll get ya for this Cheryl. ASHLY stands with his drink and raises the glass. ASHLY I'd like to make a toast for all here this evening. As a greek friend of mine once said, "Nis-hat-nis-fert- dis-ruben-tu-tar-im." LINDA Which means? SCOTT Party down! The laughter is stifled by a loud snap and cracking of wood heard from the main room. SCOTT What the hell... All stand from the table and hurry to the main room. 29 IN - M.R. The nails that held down the trap door have been ripped out, and although still in tact, the hatch is wide open. They stand silently in front of it, looking blank as to what could have done this. CHERYL is slighly more nervous than the others. ASHLY is the first to speak. ASHLY (Slowly) What is this? SCOTT Whatever it is, it's still down there. CHERYL I don't like cellars, let's close it up. (She does not want to deal with it) It's probably just some animal. SCOTT An animal?! An an...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- that's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life. Jesus Christ. SCOTT locates a flashlight and peers into the hole. He traces the old wooden steps into darkness with his light. LINDA Maybe it is just some animal. SCOTT Yeah, probably right. It's probably just some animal. Uh...Cheryl, why don't you make sure. He hands the flashlight to CHERYL who quickly gives it back. CHERYL Scotty, I'm not going down there! SCOTT Okay, okay you cowards, I'll go. LINDA Scotty don't. You're crazy if you go down there. Why don't you wait until morning. SCOTT Look, I'll be all right. SHELLY What melodrama! What courage! A kiss my brave hero. SCOTT kisses SHELLY and with flashlight in hand, he descends the narrow steps into the cellars blackness. SHELLY I, your virgin queen eagerly await the precious moment when you will ascend. SCOTT Virgin queen?! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- He disappears below the floor. SHELLY, CHERYL, LINDA and ASHLY wait above. ASHLY (Calling down) Hey Scott, see any- thing? There is no answer. ASHLY Hey Scott!...Scott! SHELLY He's just kidding around. There is silence. SHELLY Isn't he? No sounds come from the cellar. ASHLY Linda, get me a flashlight. LINDA That's the only one we brought up. ASHLY spots a lantern on the fireplace mantle. ASHLY Then get that lantern. LINDA brings it over. ASHLY opens the kerosene valve, lights the wick, and descends into the basement. 30 IN - C Down below, ASHLY moves quietly past the old stone walls and wooden beams which support the main floor above. In front of him stands an old door which leads to another section of the cellar. Cautiously, he moves toward it. Before he can touch it, the door swings open slowly with a moan. ASHLY moves through the doorway and deeper into the cellar. Condensation from water pipes above turn the cellar into an echo chamber as drips fall into shallow pools on the dirt floor below. As ASHLY scans with his light, he spots a shadow move out the corner of his eye. ASHLY Scott? ASHLY breaks into a cold sweat as he moves away from the area where the shadow passed. He backs sqarely into a pair of arms which grab him. ASHLY Ahhhhhhh! It is only SCOTT behind him. ASHLY What the hell are you doing down here, jerkin' off? How come you didn't answer me? SCOTT When? ASHLY Just now, I mean upstairs. SCOTT I didn't hear you. ASHLY Oh well, did you find anything? SCOTT Uh-uh. ASHLY What's this? SCOTT sweeps his light to another corner and reveals several items atop a small table. Beneath a dusty cloth, he finds a book which appears to be covered in some sort of animal hide, with an ancient form of writing on the cover. Along with this book, SCOTT and ASHLY uncover a reel to reel tape recorder, an ancient dagger, and other parapanalia including a box of rifle shells. 31 EN - CAB It is evening as darkness surrounds the small cabin. 32 IN - M.R. The group sits huddled around the fireplace talking quietly about school. The same bottle of Scotch is passed around. ASHLY is rewinding the tape recorder, and once this is done, he turns it on. The voice of an old man is heard. ASHLY turns to the others who are talking. ASHLY Shhh, listen to this. VOICE My name is Julian Knowby. I am a pro- fessor of ancient Egyptian mythology in Dextin university's ancient history department... ASHLY This is the tape I found downstairs. VOICE (Continuing)...I am recording this entry from a small cabin in the south- ern mountains of Tennessee. Here, I am staying with my wife for a few weeks so that I may continue my research un- disturbed. Since May, a group of assoc- iate professors and myself have been excavating the ruins of Ca'n Dar. I believe I have made an important find in that area, and thus the reason for this log. With it, I can keep an ac- curate record of translations from my latest find; the first of six, the others still lost, volumes of ancient Sumarian burial practices and rites. Basically, it is a book of do's and don'ts dealing with the deceased en- titled "Naturan Demanto" roughly trans- lated "Book Of The Dead." It is bound in human flesh, and inked with blood of the deceased... SCOTT Jeez, I'd hate to find out what they used for pens. VOICE (Continuing)...This particular volume deals with demons and demon resurrect- ion. These are of the Katardi family, meaning those forces believed to inhab- it the jungles and woods of man's do- main. The first few pages that I have translated warn that these demons are dangerous, everpresent, and exist primarily through this book. As legend has it, only the sacred high priests of the Ca'n Dar tribe could posess these books, for they alone could properly control the resurrected de- mons. It is only through the act of reciting the resurrection passage that these demons would be able to posess the living. For many years, it was thought that this legend- CHERYL turns off the machine at this point. SCOTT Hey, what'd you do that for? It was just getting good. CHERYL I just don't want to hear any more that's all. SCOTT (Singing) Cheryl's scared, Cheryl's scared. ASHLY Scott, leave her alone will ya? SCOTT Jesus Christ. He moves to the tape recorder and fast forewards it for a bit then stops. SCOTT She's acting like a baby- it's no big deal. He turns the machine on. The passage continues. VOICE Tantir-ah-mis-trobeen-ha-zar-ta 33 EN - CAB As the tape plays, all natural sounds from the forest die out, and the autumn colors in the trees fade to a gloomy grey. 34 IN - M.R. VOICE Tantir-man-ov-mis-hazen-sober. All eyes except CHERYL's turn to the window. 35 EN - CAB Outside, clouds roll in from the east, thunder booms in the distance, and as the wind picks up, it begins to rain. 36 IN - M.R. VOICE Kanda! 37 EN - CAB A section of ground deep within the woods begins to crack, and opens. Smoke seeps out from within, as if some evil force was now being unleashed. 38 IN - M.R. CHERYL (In a whisper) Shut it off. VOICE Kanda! 39 EN - CAB The winds howl, and blackbirds fly from their nests, screaming. 40 IN - M.R. CHERYL (Louder now) Shut it off. ASHLY, hearing her for the first time, turns from the window to CHERYL. She is overwhealmed with fear. VOICE Kanda! 41 EN - CAB A bolt of lightning strikes very near and its thunder crash is deafening. 42 IN - M.R. CHERYL can no longer control herself. She screams and covers her ears. CHERYL Shut it offffff! The window shatters when a branch from a nearby tree tears through it. ASHLY runs to the tape recorder and turns it off. CHERYL is crying now, and runs to her room. ASHLY turns to SCOTT. ASHLY Scott, you knew not to play it, I mean...I mean you knew it was upset- ting her. You just don't know when you're carrying something too far. SCOTT (To SHELLY) C'mon. (Back to ASHLY) Big deal, it's just a joke, shit. SCOTT and SHELLY head for their bedroom. SCOTT mumbles to himself along the way. SCOTT You'd think she's three years old or something. SCOTT slams the door behind him. ASHLY sighs. He moves to the broken window and reaches through it to close the outside shutters. LINDA He's really been bothering you hasn't he? ASHLY walks to a chair near the other window. ASHLY No. It's not Scott. Scotty's okay. It's just that ever since we came up here, things have been a little too tense. (He sits) All these crazy things going on. And look at that window- we're gonna have to pay for that window now. LINDA It'll be better tomorrow. Things'll smooth out, you'll see. ASHLY I hope so. He looks at LINDA lovingly for a long moment. ASHLY What'ya say we stay up for a while and listen to the storm. LINDA Deal. Lemme check on Cheryl. I'll be right back. From across the room, she is seen opening CHERYL's door a crack. LINDA asks if she is all right, and gets a muffled reply. In the foreground, ASHLY removes the small box he showed to CHERYL earlier and places it in his hand. He glances behind to LINDA. She closes CHERYL's door and walks back to find ASHLY sound asleep with the box in his hand. She reaches for the box and ASHLY opens his eyes to watch. LINDA looks at him, but his eyes are closed again in time to still appear fast asleep. LINDA turns her attention back to the box. ASHLY watches again wide-eyed as she removes it from his hand. Quickly, LINDA turns to him but as expected, ASHLY is sleeping like a baby. She begins to turn back toward the box and ASHLY opens his eyes, but LINDA turns back again in time to catch him with his eyes wide open. LINDA Ah ha! ASHLY (Laughing) Stealing from the blind eh? It's for you. LINDA begins to open the box. LINDA It better be good. The gold necklace is revealed inside. LINDA Oh Ash, it's beautiful. LINDA kisses ASHLY. He removes the necklace from the box and holds it around her neck. ASHLY (Fastening it around her neck) I was going to give it to you before we left, but things got so hectic, this is the first chance I've had. Do you like it? LINDA moves to a mirror. LINDA It's beautiful. I really love it. (She turns to ASHLY) I'll never take it off. 43 EN - CAB Lightning strikes as something in the woods examines the small cottage. Through the outside window, ASHLY and LINDA can be seen embracing. This force watching them moves around the house to another window. The silhouette of SCOTT and SHELLY undressing can be seen. The force continues around and arrives at CHERYL's window. Inside, she brushes her hair in front of the mirror for a moment, then sets down her brush and moves to the window. She stops to uncrumple the sketch drawn earlier, looks at it, then out to the dark woods. 44 IN - C.B. CHERYL can faintly hear some kind of sound. It is the same sound she had heard earlier from the cellar. A noise almost like that of something breathing. 45 EN - CAB The evil entity rounds the corner of the cabin as CHERYL walks through the rooms to the front door. She can be seen stepping out the door. It closes behind her. Wind shaking the tree branches sends dead leaves fluttering about. CHERYL (Calling to the woods) Is anybody out there? There is no answer. CHERYL steps away from the cottage toward the woods. 46 EN - W The breeze animates her nightgown and it too seems alive. CHERYL stops. CHERYL I know someone's out there...I heard you...I heard you in the cellar. Suddenly, CHERYL becomes chilled. She folds her arms around herself and stands at the woods edge, listening. There is only darkness and sounds of the evening wind blowing through the trees. CHERYL steps into the forest a few feet then stops. A cry deep within the woods can be heard. She freezes. Whispering in the distance grows somewhat louder and a soft wail is heard- like that of something long since dead, dredged up to roam the earth again. CHERYL is about to turn back toward the cabin when a rustling comes from a group of trees about twenty yards behind her. She stops. No sound. Nothing moves. Several yards to her left a twig snaps suddenly. She turns but there is silence again. The winds die down, leaving a deathly stillness throughout the woods. Then, all at once, the entire forest becomes alive in a flurry of chaotic noises and movement. Snake-like vines wrap around her ankles and slither up her legs. Tree branches near by begin to claw and rake at her. The force is now moving through the woods toward her. CHERYL is able to break the vines and run toward the cabin. She emerges from the woods and into the clearing. The force is still following. 47 EN - CAB CHERYL reaches the cabin door but it is locked. She begins pounding upon the door. CHERYL Help, help, let me in. Open the door! The evil entity now emerges from the woods. CHERYL Ashly! Linda! Open up! CHERYL spots the small key ring above the door where SHELLY had returned them earlier. One by one, she fran- tically jams one key after another into the lock, but still cannot find the right one. The force comes closer with each key. CHERYL Please, someone please! Help me, help meeeee! The evil entity is almost upon her, but her actions are so frantic that the ring falls to the ground. She bends down to pick them up, but a hand grabs her arm. It is SCOTT who has opened the door from the inside. She pushes him in the door and slams it tightly. 48 IN - M.R. SCOTT What the hell happ- CHERYL (In hysterics) It...it tried to kill me. I, I heard a noise and...and I ran and the trees...the trees! SCOTT What are you- He is cut off by ASHLY approaching with the others. ASHLY Cheryl what's wrong with you? Did something in the woods do this to you? CHERYL No, no, no...the woods themselves- The trees- they're alive... She hugs ASHLY tightly and cries in hysterical sobs. CHERYL They're alive... LINDA Ash, why don't I take her into the bedroom so she can lie down a little- CHERYL (Cutting her off) -I'm not lying down! I'm not staying here. We're leaving this place, we're leaving this place right now! SCOTT Wait a minute, I'm sure as hell not going anywhere. SHELLY Cheryl- ASHLY Cheryl, there's nothing out there. Trees do not attack people. CHERYL Ashly, will you drive me into town or not? ASHLY (Looking at his watch) Right Now? (He realizes how desperate she is) Sure, sure I'll drive you into town. But if you'll just listen to what you're saying, you- CHERYL I don't care how it sounds. I want to leave this minute. You can bring back my things when you go. ASHLY Okay- if you don't want to stay, I can't make you. LINDA puts a coat around CHERYL as ASHLY helps her to the door. 49 EN - CAB ASHLY and CHERYL move to the car. ASHLY helps CHERYL in then then gets in the drivers side. 50 IN - CAR CHERYL I'll stay some place in town tonight. ASHLY tries to start the car. There is no response. CHERYL becomes somewhat worried. ASHLY tries again. The car will not turn over. A look of dread comes across CHERYL's face. 51 EN - CAB SCOTT and the others join the two outside. 52 IN - CAR CHERYL It's not gonna start. ASHLY again tries the engine. CHERYL I know it's not gonna start. It's not gonna let us leave. ASHLY keys the engine and it turns over this time, start- ing up with a roar. ASHLY, worried by CHERYL's condition glances over to her. Confused and upset, CHERYL turns away from ASHLY and looks out her window. They drive off into the night through the wooded mountains toward town. ASHLY glances at CHERYL who is studying the forest in- tensely for any sign of movement. The concern for his sister is made obvious by the expression on his face. Their car approaches the narrow bridge area and slows down. CHERYL Why are you slowing down? ASHLY brings the car to a halt. CHERYL What is this? ASHLY's gaze is fixed directly ahead, and his mouth opens slowly. He flips on the high beams which stab through the evening mist. 53 EN - B The bridge over the chasm has been torn away. CHERYL is silent as ASHLY walks to the ravine's edge to examine any remains. 54 IN - CAR CHERYL (Mumbling to herself) No, no, no, no, no...it's not going to let us leave, it's not going to let us go...it's not gonna let us gooooo! 55 EN - CAB An axe is raised into the air, then brought down smash- ing upon a log, splitting it in two. SCOTT is chopping wood outside the cabin. Behind him, through a window, CHERYL sits with a cup of tea in her hand watching him. SCOTT sets his axe down, gathers the wood and moves away. CHERYL shifts her gaze from SCOTT to the woods beyond. The camera moves in toward CHERYL then past her to SHELLY and LINDA who can be seen playing cards on the floor. ASHLY is seated near the fireplace with the tape recorder in front of him. He plugs an earphone in so only he can hear it. SCOTT enters the cabin and passes in front of ASHLY to drop his wood to one side of the fireplace. He throws a log in, and heads back outside. 56 IN - M.R. From inside, LINDA speaks. LINDA Cheryl, wanna play some cards? CHERYL (Turning with a smile) Uh-uh. CHERYL turns to face the window again. LINDA Hey, tomorrow morning, we'll find some way around that cliff into town okay? CHERYL Okay. Outside the window, SCOTT chops more wood for the nights fire. ASHLY turns on the tape recorder to listen with the ear plug. VOICE March 12th. Suzanne came after me and almost murdered me. My own wife. At first I thought it was a mental or physical disorder because of what had happened to her eyes, but I was only fooling myself. I knew what it was. Outside the window, SCOTT continues to chop and gather wood. SHELLY, still engaged in cards with LINDA, holds up one in particular. SHELLY Okay, guess this card. LINDA How am I going to know what card that is? SHELLY Guess, I'm going to see if you're psychic. The card is a two of clubs. LINDA Okaaaay...is it a queen? SHELLY Right! LINDA Really? SHELLY Yeah. LINDA Hey Ash, I guessed the card right. ASHLY (indifferently) Truly amazing Linda. He is listening intently to the log as it continues. VOICE Three days have passed since that thing has been down there. I was hop- ing to weaken it without food or water. Nothing worked. Finally, in desperation I dragged her out to the shed and dismembered her so that what- ever it was could not get up again. SHELLY Cheryl, did you see that? CHERYL remains with her back to them staring out the window. SHELLY Try this one. She removes a nine of clubs from the deck and holds it up. LINDA Okay, lemme think, uh... She puts her hands to her head in a curved funnel form- ation as if to direct her thoughts to the card. LINDA ...Um, it's a seven. SHELLY Oh my God, what suit? LINDA Diamonds, no wait! I mean hearts! SHELLY That's right- seven of hearts! LINDA Hey Ash, did you see that? I guessed two cards in a row. ASHLY (Still not paying attention) How do you do it Linda? He is concentrating on the tape. VOICE This is when I saw the dark figures moving about in the woods. I should have never tampered with the "Book Of The Dead." I now know that what- ever it is I have resurrected through this book, is coming for me. LINDA You know, I always thought I had some sort of extra sense. You know, like e.s.p or something. SHELLY What's this one? She holds up the queen of spades. LINDA Another seven! SHELLY I don't believe it! CHERYL (Still looking outside) Queen of spades. SHELLY looks at her card then back to CHERYL. She holds up another card. CHERYL Four of hearts. The card is a four of hearts. SHELLY bites her lip in fear and reaches for another card. ASHLY and LINDA listen in silence. CHERYL Eight of spades. SHELLY picks up the card. CHERYL is correct again. CHERYL Two of spades- jack of diamonds- jack of clubs- Faster and faster she calls them off. Even before SHELLY can flip them to keep up. Suddenly, CHERYL turns toward the group. Her eyes are bone white. SHELLY's deck of cards slip from her hand and scatter across the floor. CHERYL's body is hoisted up to its feet and jerked about like a white-eyed marionette. She speaks in a voice un- like her own. CHERYL Why have you disturbed our sleep, awakened us from our ancient slum- ber? You will die. Like the others before you. We will take you one by one. All of you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- She screams in a low gruff voice and collapses to the floor. ASHLY Oh my God, Shelly, get Scott in here! SHELLY does not respond. ASHLY Hurry! She exits through the front door. LINDA moves to CHERYL and lifts her head gently. CHERYL appears unconcious but behind her, she reaches for a pen. LINDA Did you see her eyes? I'm scared. What's wrong with her? ASHLY begins to speak when SCOTT and SHELLY enter. SCOTT What happened to her? CHERYL's hand clutches the pen tightly. LINDA Look at her eyes. SCOTT's hand reaches for CHERYL's eyes to inspect them, but they blink open. The pen in her hand races upward, then slashes down, ripping into LINDA's achilles tendon. LINDA screams fiercely and with a blur, the bloodied pen is raised again. ASHLY grabs CHERYL's arm stopping her, but with a powerful swipe, she swings her remaining arm at LINDA who is sent sprawling across the cabin floor. CHERYL then clutches ASHLY and, almost lifting him, sends his body reeling across the room into a book- case which topples over, trapping him beneath its weight. SHELLY stands screaming as CHERYL now advances toward ASHLY's face with the bloody pen. He struggles to pull himself out but cannot. CHERYL is almost upon him when SCOTT grabs her from behind. Effortlessly, she tosses him off and moves toward ASHLY again. SCOTT climbs to his feet and grabs the axe. CHERYL raises the pen above ASHLY's face, and SCOTT gives her a sharp jab in the jaw with the wooden handle. CHERYL stumbles past LINDA and falls backwards, head first into the cellar. She begins to climb out but SCOTT slams the trap door shut upon her hand. It won't close. CHERYL starts to push the trap door open from below. SCOTT climbs on top and is almost thrown off until he viciuosly rams the butt of his axe down upon her protruding hand. Demented screams and moans are heard from below as CHERYL's hand is finally pulled back and SCOTT manages to secure the chain across the hatch. 57 IN - LB Later that evening, LINDA is seen in her bed, sleeping. ASHLY covers her with a blanket, kisses her, and walks to the door, closing it quietly behind him. 58 IN - M.R. ASHLY joins SCOTT and SHELLY who sit near the fire in the main room. From the cellar, strange moans, sobs and laughter emerge, then horrible rasping sounds from CHERYL's breathing. Through the next sequence of dialogue, her breathing becomes louder then somewhat quiet. SCOTT She'll be okay Ash, she just took a bad bump. ASHLY (Quietly) Yeah. SCOTT and SHELLY listen to the strange noises from below as ASHLY looks out the window to the woods beyond. ASHLY We've still got a few hours before morning. SHELLY I don't know if I can wait that long. SCOTT You have to. We all have to. Then, once it's light out, we'll try to find a way to get around that chasm. SHELLY (Covering her ears) Why does she keep making those horrible noises? ASHLY I don't know. SHELLY And what about her eyes? ASHLY and SCOTT are quiet. SHELLY What about her eyes? (Desperately) For God's sake what happened to her eyes?! CHERYL patiently sits in the cellars darkness with a streak of light across her eyes from the crack in the trap door. Her head is slightly tilted as she watches and listens to what is said above. From her point of view we hear SCOTT speak to SHELLY. SCOTT Everything's gonna be all right. CHERYL's lips part slightly and a thick blackish yellow liquid drools out between her teeth. She grins. 59 EN - CAB Outside, the forest is very dark. The unseen force moves from the wooded area, pushing over small trees and shrubs as it advances. The cottage comes into view and the evil entity glides up to it. The figure of a girl in the cabin window can be seen looking out. The force stops and moves behind a bush. 60 IN - M.R. Inside, SHELLY is studying the woods. SHELLY Scotty, I...I think there's some- thing out there. SCOTT joins her at the window and looks out. 61 EN - CAB From within the woods, this force watches SCOTT peer out, but he can see nothing. Through the window he says some- thing to reassure SHELLY and moves away. 62 IN - M.R. Inside, SCOTT can be heard in mid sentence. SCOTT ...Is to get some rest. Ash and I can stay up with Cheryl. SHELLY Okay. SCOTT Everything's gonna be okay. Come morning- you'll see. SHELLY heads to her bedroom. SCOTT walks back to the fireplace and sits. He slices twigs from a branch with the Sumarian dagger and tosses them into the fire. ASHLY glances at the Book Of The Dead, then to the old clock. It stands silent. 63 EN - CAB Again, the evil entity watches from outside. It sees SHELLY leave one room and turn the lights on in another. She begins to undress near the window. The force now moves from behind its cover and rushes at tremendous speed to SHELLY who is looking out her bedroom window. She sees it and sheer terror covers her face as a scream stifles itself in her throat, but it is too late. 64 IN - M.R. A noise is heard from SHELLY's bedroom. SCOTT drops the small stick he was whittling and looks up. He places the dagger on the floor and walks toward SHELLY's room. SCOTT Shelly, are you okay? She does not answer. SCOTT approaches her door and turns to ASHLY. SCOTT Keep an eye on Cheryl for a minute. 65 IN - S.B. SCOTT enters the darkness of her room and sees nothing amidst the shadows. SCOTT Shelly? He looks over to her window. It is open, and wind blows upon the curtains. 66 IN - S. BATH SCOTT steps into SHELLY's bathroom and sees that the shower curtain is drawn. Cautiously, he moves up to it. SCOTT Shelly? He pulls the curtain back to reveal an empty tub. SCOTT turns back to the bedroom when SHELLY steps into the doorway, posessed. With a scream, she latches upon SCOTT. Her eyes have gone bone white and she claws at SCOTT's face and clothes with her nails. 67 IN - S.B. Screaming, SCOTT stumbles through her bedroom with SHELLY still upon him biting at his throat. 68 IN - M.R. They stagger into the main room where SCOTT manages to knock SHELLY off himself and into the fireplace. She remains motionless as her head smolders upon the hot coals. SCOTT rushes to her, grabs an arm and pulls her out. SHELLY's face and hair on one side of her head are seared and blackened. She blinks her eyes open, turns her charred head to SCOTT, and speaks in a rasp. SHELLY Thank you. I don't know what I would have done if I had remained on the hot coals burning my pretty flesh. You have pretty skin- give it to us! Cackling, SHELLY clutches SCOTT's neck and begins throttl- ing the life out of him with a vice-like grip. He tries to break the hold but cannot. ASHLY also tries but with a backhand blow, SHELLY knocks him into a cabinet, smash- ing it to bits. A garbled cry for help escapes from SCOTT's frothing mouth. SHELLY reaches down, picks up the Sumarian dagger, and holding SCOTT by his throat with one hand, she raises the dagger with the other. ASHLY, slightly injured, crawls to his feet. SCOTT grabs her raised arm and although choking, swings his camping knife from its side sheath and slices deep into SHELLY's raised wrist, almost severing it. A murky black ooze pumps from the wound. She emits an ear splitting- howl and tightens her grip on SCOTT's throat. He drops the hunting knife. ASHLY watches terrified, unable to move as SHELLY raises her dangling hand (Still clutching the dagger) to her mouth and bites it off. The useless part falls to the floor with the dagger still firmly in its fist. SCOTT, now almost dead, grabs her severed hand clutching the dagger and in a last attempt, swings it around ramming the blade into her spine. SHELLY screetches along with CHERYL in the cellar, the old grandfather clock gongs and lightning strikes all at the same instant. SHELLY reaches around with her remaining arm to clutch at the severed hand and knife protruding from her own back. A thick black ooze pours from the wound as she bends backward screaming. ASHLY stands in horror, clutching the axe, unable to move. Black ooze runs from SHELLY's mouth as her body writhes about spasmatically upon the floor. Gradually, the move- ments cease and she is dead. As SCOTT slowly stands to his feet, SHELLY's arm grabs his leg. SCOTT Ahhhhhhh! Some force reanimates her, even though the body is dead. ASHLY No...no...no... SCOTT Hit her! SHELLY's body is hoisted up, jerking about to its feet, and laughing madly. SCOTT Hit it! SCOTT screams this as he backs toward ASHLY who stands with the axe, paralyzed. Gurgling black ooze, SHELLY advances toward them with one remaining arm. SCOTT grabs the axe from ASHLY, pushes him away and slams it into her. Lightning flashes, thunder booms, and CHERYL screams from the cellar. SCOTT brings his axe down again and again in a frenzy. Then, after the final chop, there is silence. SHELLY's body remains on the floor for quite some time- until ASHLY can cope with the fact that she is dead and something must be done. ASHLY Uh...Scott. SCOTT Yeah. ASHLY What is uh...what are we gonna do? SCOTT Bury her. ASHLY You...can't bury Shelly. She's a friend of ours isn't she? SCOTT Ash, she's dead. ASHLY moves away from SCOTT. SCOTT Shelly's dead. We're gonna bury her now. ASHLY bites his lip and looks about blankly. 69 EN - CAB Finally, the body is dragged outside and buried near the work shed. Harsh floodlights from the house make the task look very stark and barren. 70 IN - M.R. SCOTT and ASHLY return inside. ASHLY heads to LINDA's room to check in on her. 71 IN - L.B. He peers in to see LINDA sleeping peacefully. 72 IN - M.R. ASHLY quietly returns to the main room. SCOTT is load- ing new batteries into a flashlight. SCOTT I saw an old hiking trail when we were driving up here. Now I don't know if it goes all the way around that gorge- ASHLY -Or if it's even still in tact. SCOTT Or if it's even still in tact. But uh, I guess I'll find out. Take good care of Linda. ASHLY I will. Do you have everything? SCOTT (Putting on a small back pack) Yeah- all set. ASHLY Listen...Scotty...I'm sorry about falling apart like that when- SCOTT Don't bother, really. He steps out the door. SCOTT If I find a way out of here, I'll mark it and then come back. Then if I'm not back here in a few hours... if for some reason...well, if I don't come back, grab Linda, leg and all, and just get her the hell out of here. They shake hands. ASHLY You're a good man. SCOTT Good, I'm the best. 73 EN - CAB ASHLY smiles a good-bye to SCOTT and watches him move off into the night. He lingers for a moment by SHELLY's grave, then slowly disappears into the woods. 74 IN - M.R. ASHLY closes the door and turns back to the main room. He sees CHERYL's eyes through the crack in the cellar. She has been watching all of this through a space be- tween the trap door and floor. ASHLY walks past her to LINDA's room. 75 IN - L.B. He opens the door and a crack of light falls across her. LINDA wakes up. LINDA Who's there? Ash? ASHLY It's me Linda. LINDA Ash, I had a bad dream about Linda. ASHLY You did baby? LINDA Yeah. She's all right isn't she? ASHLY Yeah. Fine. LINDA Is Shelly okay too Ash? ASHLY can no longer hide his fear and anxiety. He speaks in a whisper so as not to let his voice quiver. ASHLY Yeah, sure. She's sleeping that's all. LINDA Ash, I love you. (She turns over) ASHLY Get some rest. ASHLY closes the door behind him and the fear from a few hours ago engulfs him once more. 76 IN - M.R. ASHLY moves into the main room and stops dead in his tracks when a voice in the cellar speaks. CHERYL You lied to her. You lied to Linda. Shelly's not sleeping. She's dead. Don't you know the difference? You killed her. You and Scott cut her up with the axe. She's dead ha-ha-ha-ha- ha-ha- ASHLY picks up the axe and slams it down upon the trap door. CHERYL is silent from below for a moment, then the hatch opens an inch or so. (The length of the chain securing it) CHEYL's white eyes can be seen again. CHERYL Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY takes the axe and steps outside. 77 EN - CAB He begins to chop wood, taking out his emotions upon the logs with each blow. SHELLY's blood can still be seen on the blade of the axe. 78 IN - M.R. From her dungeon, CHERYL watches ASHLY chop wood in the window. The shadow of his axe rising then striking is seen over her white eyes. 79 EN - CAB Exhausted, ASHLY puts down the axe. He looks off into the woods but there is no sign of SCOTT. He returns to the cabin. 80 IN - M.R. CHERYL begins her taunting again. CHERYL Soon all of you will be like me and then who will lock you in the cellar? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- CHERYL begins to violently ram her fists against the trap door. ASHLY walks by her to LINDA's room. 81 IN - L.B. She is still asleep. Quietly, so as not to wake her, ASHLY pulls back her blanket exposing the bandaged leg. He re- moves the wrappings and looks at the wound. As he does this, it infects with a blackened coloration at an in- credible speed. ASHLY looks up to see if LINDA is still sleeping and sees that she has been watching him with white eyes and an evil grimace upon her face. She lets out a low growl. 82 IN - M.R. ASHLY jolts backwards out of her room to escape through the front door. He steps outside and stops to look back in. He can see the main room, but finds it difficult to see in LINDA's room, being lost in the shadows. Something ragged and bloody grabs him. It is SCOTT's mutilated body ripped and torn to shreds. He is still alive. ASHLY looks behind him through the door to LINDA's room. He can barely make out LINDA who sits on the bed watching him with glaring white eyes. ASHLY helps SCOTT to the couch so he can sit. SCOTT is in agony and can barely speak. SCOTT Ash, I think I'm dying. Jesus, I can't feel my legs. ASHLY Uh...uh Scotty you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be just fine- you'll see. He throws another log on the fire. ASHLY You'll see. He looks off into LINDA's bedroom again, but she is gone. She is now sitting in the corner of the main room where ASHLY is, watching him. SCOTT begins to cough with hor- rible rasping sounds. SCOTT It's, it's not gonna let us leave... Cheryl...Cheryl was right...we're all gonna die here... ASHLY We're not gonna die! SCOTT ...All gonna die. All of us. ASHLY grabs SCOTT and shakes him violently. ASHLY We're not gonna die! We're not gonna die! We're getting out of here! Now listen to me- is there a way around the chasm. SCOTT passes out. ASHLY Scotty. Scott! ASHLY slaps SCOTT. He stirs awake and mumbles. SCOTT Jesus Ash. I don't want to die. So... so lonely to die like this. You're not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash? CHERYL (Imitating SCOTT) I don't want to die. So lonely to die like this. You're not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY Scott, is there some way around the chasm? SCOTT Ash, I'm scared- I...I can't feel my legs. ASHLY Scott, listen to me please, for God's sake. Is there a way around the chasm? SCOTT There is...one way, the trail...but the trees, they know...don't you see- they're alive!! They're ali-ahhhhhhh! His sentence is cut short as he cries out in sharp pain. Blood dribbles from his nostrils and he doubles over grabbing his stomach. LINDA begins to laugh. ASHLY looks to her, or rather what posesses her with hatred. ASHLY Shut up! She continues to laugh. CHERYL in the cellar joins in the laughter. ASHLY walks to LINDA and slaps her but she continues. He grabs a hunting rifle from a rack on the wall, loads it with shells, flips off the safety and places the barrels against LINDA's head. ASHLY God forgive me Linda. The laughter stops and her eyes return to normal. It is LINDA again. ASHLY puts down the rifle. LINDA Ash, oh Ash, help Me! Please. She hugs him tightly. LINDA Don't let them take me away again, please, please, please. ASHLY (Crying and holding her tightly) I won't, I won't- I promise. CHERYL's voice is heard from the blackness of the cellar. CHERYL Ashly? Ashly, help me. Let me out of here. I'm all right now. ASHLY releases LINDA and moves cautiously to the cellar. LINDA remains behind nervously fumbling with her necklace. CHERYL I'm all right now, Ashly. I'm all right. Come unlock this chain and let me out. ASHLY Cheryl? There is no reply from the cellar. ASHLY looks through the crack but sees only darkness. He reaches for the chain and begins to unlock it, but sensing something wrong, he stops. ASHLY Cheryl? He puts his ear to the floor listening for the slight- est sound. CHERYL's arms rip through the floor boards and grab ASHLY's head. He breaks away and her hand reaches for the chain but cannot quite grasp it. Slowly it withdraws beneath the floor. CHERYL (A little too sweet) Ash, what are you doing? This is your sister Cheryl. Don't you recognize me? Her voice drifts off, and the evil leughter resumes from the celler. ASHLY (Crying and yelling to the cellar) You bastards! Why are you doing this? Why? There is silence for a moment. Laughter from behind him begins again. It is LINDA. Her eyes are white once more, and she laughs at ASHLY. ASHLY Oh...Linda. With newly found courage, ASHLY angrily grabs LINDA by the legs and drags her outside. 83 EN - CAB LINDA It's useless, useless, useless. In time we'll come for him, then you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY leaves her in the woods and runs back to the cabin, closing the door behind him. 84 IN - M.R. SCOTT is coughing again. SCOTT Ash, Ash, please...I don't want to die- but...but I can't stand this pain. It hurts Ash. Gimme something. Gimme something to put me out. ASHLY Scott, I can't. I- I know it's bad. But I can't be alone now, I can't. I'd lose my mind. SCOTT Please Ash, please. ASHLY You'll get better- you'll see. LINDA's laughter is faintly heard outside. ASHLY moves to the window and pulls back the curtain. LINDA is no longer in the woods but sitting at the edge of the clear- ing, watching ASHLY with her glowing white eyes. ASHLY Yeah, tomorrow, soon, you'll be better and we'll both get out of here tomorrow. SCOTT There is no tomorrow! You- you've got to kill her and cut- cut her up- your sister too. ASHLY No, that was only with Shelly. You had to with Shelly. You- Linda loves me. You're delirious- I...I'll get you some water. ASHLY places a glass to Scott's lips. ASHLY Now, now the sun will be up in an hour or so and we'll get out of here ...together. You, me, Linda, Shelly- n-no not Shelly, she- we'll all go home together. Wouldn't you like to be going home? You'd like that I'd bet, wouldn't ya? There is no answer from SCOTT. The water runs out of his mouth. ASHLY ...Scott. SCOTT is dead. LINDA's laughter is heard again. ASHLY walks to the window and pulls back the curtain. There is nothing there. He turns and she is there! With the Sumarian dagger, LINDA rips into ASHLY's shirt, cutting his arm. He screams and watches in horror as she runs her tongue over the dagger, licking the blood from it. She turns her attention toward ASHLY again but he grabs her and they struggle. LINDA backs ASHLY up against SCOTT, knocking his body to the floor. CHERYL's gnarled arm reaches up through the broken floor boards and grabs at ASHLY's foot. He manages to turn LINDA's arm so the knife is behind her back. Forcefully, ASHLY pushes her over the body of SCOTT and she falls back- ward upon the dagger, impaling herself upon it. The blade tears into her back and rips through her stomach. Lightning flashes, thunder roars, and LINDA screams in a deep growl once, then all is quiet. ASHLY drags LINDA's corpse past the crumpled body of SCOTT, past CHERYL, who watches all of this from below, through the back door and out to the work shed. 85 IN - W.S. He lifts her up onto the work bench and secures her body to it with a number of chains which hang from nails along the wall. He rips down a tarp hanging on the wall to reveal a chain saw. He starts it up and moves toward her. Buzzing madly, the saw is lowered to a position several inches above LINDA's neck. ASHLY looks into LINDA's face. Her eyes have gone back to blue. He turns off the saw. ASHLY (In a whisper) Linda... He drops the saw and breaks down crying over LINDA's body. 86 EN - CAB An evening mist drifts out of the woods and cloaks the shed as ASHLY carries LINDA's body outside for burial. He lays the body upon the ground and picks up a shovel. Harsh floodlights from the corners of the cabin create strange shadows on the ground as ASHLY digs LINDA's grave. She lies on her back during the digging. One of her eyes opens. It is white. ASHLY drops the shovel and looks at her. She appears to be dead. 87 IN - M.R. Inside the cabin, CHERYL begins slamming her fists against the trap door in the cellar again. She wants out. The screws holding the hatch in place begin to loosen. 88 EN - CAB ASHLY places LINDA's corpse in the grave, oblivious to CHERYL's pounding. He begins to cover her with dirt. 89 IN - M.R. CHERYL has ripped out all but one screw which holds the trap door in tact. 90 EN - CAB ASHLY glances to the grave and sees LINDA's necklace on top of the dirt mound. He reaches down to pick it up when LINDA's hand shoots up from beneath the grave and grabs him! She pulls herself up out of the grave scream- ing and clutches ASHLY's leg with a black and bloodied hand. He twists around, trying to free himself, but she will not let go. By now, LINDA is almost completely out of the grave. With her fingernails, she rips into ASHLY's leg, tearing his skin. Screaming, he picks up a large log nearby and swings it roundhouse into her face again and again, breaking the wood into smaller bits. She grabs the log with him clinging to the other end, lifts him up and throws ASHLY log and all, away from her. ASHLY hits the ground with considerable force and for the first time begins to comprehend the power of this thing he is dealing with. Thick black ooze pours from LINDA's nose and mouth as she turns toward ASHLY sprawled on the ground. ASHLY Stay back. His hand gropes for the handle of the spade. LINDA advances toward him, laughing. ASHLY Linda please, if you can still hear me. Keep away. His fingers tighten on the wooden handle. With a scream, she lunges toward him. From the ground, ASHLY swings the spade upward, lopping off her head. The head falls into the mud, but the body falls upon him, grabbing and jerk- ing about spasmatically. Thick black ooze pumps from her neck and ASHLY manages to pull himself out from underneath the body. He backs away in disgust and falls. He picks himself up again and sees LINDA's necklace upon the ground. ASHLY stashes it in his pocket and staggers back to the cabin. 91 IN - M.R. Inside, he looks to the main room beyond SCOTT's body. ASHLY Oh..... It is a moan from deep inside him. The trap door is open and CHERYL is gone. ASHLY walks over and kicks it shut. A slight breeze sweeps through the front door causing SHELLY's bedroom door to creak open. ASHLY picks up the rifle again and cautiously moves to the door. 92 IN - S.B. He enters. The room is dark and the closet door bangs back and forth because of the breeze. ASHLY moves toward it, grabs the handle and slowly opens the door. Only clothes are inside. He turns toward the other end of the room and CHERYL pops up in the window right by him. He swings and fires, shattering the window. CHERYL backs away and spots the open front door. ASHLY The door... He makes a mad dash through SHELLY's room. 93 IN - M.R. In the main room, ASHLY races for the door. 94 EN - CAB Outside, CHERYL is almost upon the door. 95 IN - MR ASHLY arrives in time, but CHERYL has already started reaching in. He slams the door on her fingers and rams his gun butt down upon them. Horrible screams are heard as CHERYL withdraws her hand. ASHLY is able to slam the door and bolt it. He runs to the back entrance lead- ing to the shed and locks it also. On his way back to the main room, he pumps his rifle in preparation. It is his last shell. ASHLY (To himself) More shells. Where did I see that box of shells? 96 IN - C From the basement, the trap door lifts open and ASHLY decends. The bottom step, now rotten, breaks under his weight, and ASHLY sprawls to the floor. Slowly, he picks himself up and walks through the dividing stone doorway beneath the water pipes to a small table. On it, he finds the box of shells and quickly loads them into the gun. He ascends the steps and enters the main room once more. 97 IN - M.R. The sound of ticking catches ASHLY's attention. He looks up to see the old grandfather clock slowly winding back- wards. He watches and waits tensely. Turning carefully, ASHLY tries to monitor all the windows. The ticking grows louder. A shadow passes in the window before him and he fires, shattering the glass into a million pieces. Wind whips through the cabin swirling glass and leaves to the floor. ASHLY waits, leaning against the front door for something to happen. He is tense and more determined than ever to survive. He whispers to himself. ASHLY C'mon, c'mon, get it over with, why are you torturing me like this? Placing his hand to his side, ASHLY discovers something in his pocket. He lifts it to his eyes. It is LINDA's necklace. ASHLY ...Linda. (He whispers) The ticking stops. He tilts his head for the slightest sound. All is silent. From behind, two arms rip through the door and grab him. ASHLY tears away and falls to the floor. The necklace is tossed away in the confusion. CHERYL's hands pull away and she looks through a hole in the door. From the floor, ASHLY raises his rifle and fires at her head. 98 EN - CAB Clutching at her face and screaming horribly, CHERYL is jolted from the door. 99 IN - M.R. ASHLY places a dresser and chair against the holes in the door. Behind ASHLY, SCOTT's corpse sits up and opens its white eyes. It stands and moves toward ASHLY. He turns with the gun, but SCOTT knocks it out of his hands. Desperately, ASHLY grabs a table lamp and shatters it across SCOTT's head, then jams the exposed socket into his face, shocking him. SCOTT staggers back several steps, then continues after ASHLY. 100 EN - CAB Outside, Cheryl is now pounding against the front door. 101 IN - M.R. ASHLY picks up a small table upon which are the Book Of The Dead, and the professors journal. He throws it at SCOTT. This does not affect him, and he advances closer. The Book Of The Dead lands near the fireplace and edges of the paper darken from the heat. SCOTT picks up ASHLY and begins to throttle him as if he were a rag doll. The front door begins to give under CHERYL's pounding. ASHLY brings his hands to SCOTT's eyes. With a crash, CHERYL breaks through the front door and begins to push the dresser away. Pages from the Book Of The Dead are smolder- ing now. ASHLY jams his fingers into SCOTT's eyes and slips from the grip. SCOTT clutches his eye sockets and his back begins to smolder. ASHLY now sees the book. Its pages burn at the edge. CHERYL topples the dresser and enters the room. Her face is partially torn away from the shot gun blast. ASHLY rushes to throw the book onto the burning logs, but CHERYL, smoldering also, gives him a backhand blow across the head, and he is sent sprawling to the floor. She grabs a fireplace poker with her crushed fingers and turns back to ASHLY who is crawl- ing toward the fireplace. When almost in reach of the book, SCOTT grabs his leg and begins to pull ASHLY back- ward. CHERYL approaches with smoke pouring from her clothes and slams ASHLY across the back with her poker. ASHLY screams. A glitter catches his eye. It is LINDA's necklace. Grabbing it, he tosses the end with a clasp toward the book. It slides off the cover. SCOTT pulls him back once more as ASHLY swings the necklace in a last desperate attempt. CHERYL raises the poker for the final blow. The necklace drapes over the book and as ASHLY is dragged, the clasp hooks the cover and pulls the book with him. With a yank, he seizes the book and tosses it upon the blaze. CHERYL and SCOTT freeze. The Book Of The Dead burns in a bluish green flame. Smoke pours from SCOTT and CHERYL as distant demonical screams are heard from the woods. The fireplace poker slips from CHERYL's hand and sticks into the wood scarcely an inch from ASHLY's head. The bodies of SCOTT and CHERYL then begin to cave inward upon themselves, collapsing to the floor in smoldering heaps. Finally, nothing is left but the burnt clothing and a blackish grey ooze on the floor where their bodies once were. The old clock begins to tick again, normally. ASHLY slowly climbs to his feet to stand above the fuming debris. Open- ing his hand, he looks down at LINDA's necklace. The force retreats from him, out the door, slowly returning to the darkness from which it emerged. Gradually, the natural sounds of the forest swell and trees lose their gloom as Autumn colors return. The first rays of sunlight gleam over the woods beyond the cabin. Daybreak has finally come.BOOK OF THE DEAD "The Ultimate Experience In Grueling Terror" By Sam Raimi 10/13/79 SCENE CODING Interior - I Exterior - E Day - D Night - N Twilight - T LOCATION CODING CAR - Car B - Bridge CAB - Surrounding area outside cabin W - Woods M.R. - Main Room D.R. - Dining Room K - Kitchen C - Cellar W.S. - Work Shed L.B. - Linda's Bedroom S.B. - Shelly's Bedroom C.B. - Cheryl's Bedroom B.T.R- Bathroom EXAMPLE 12 ID - D.R. TRANSLATION Scene #12, Interior, Day, Dining Room 1 ED - W Something evil is lurking deep withing the wooded moun- tains of Tennessee, and the camera takes its point of view. Rising from a swampy bog, the mud slides from view allowing it to see early morning mist hanging about the forest. Creeping silently past trees, gliding over small shrubs, it moves onward through the woods until a mammoth oak rests directly in its path. The tree is uprooted by this unseen force, and falls with a deafening crash. 2 ED - CAR Near by, a stretch of highway curves along the base of a mountain. The road winds off into oblivion beyond other peaks. From behind view, the rumble of an engine can be heard. It is a large logging truck headed south. Moving away, the truck becomes smaller until finally it disap- pears in the distance. From where the truck emerged, a dilapidated gold 1973 Oldsmobile comes into view. 3 ID - CAR Inside, five people can be seen. They are couples ASHLY and LINDA, SCOTT and SHELLY, and CHERYL, ASHLY's sister. Both SCOTT and SHELLY wear "Michigan State" T-shirts, and are students along with the others at that univer- sity. SCOTT is driving and SHELLY sits next to him up front. ASHLY, LINDA and CHERYL are in back. They listen to an old "Baby Moses And The Thrillers" song on the radio, and SHELLY is slapping the dash board as if it were a drum. SHELLY (Singing with the music)... Together, forever... SCOTT Ash, where are we? ASHLY I'll tell ya in a second. Now we're still on seventy-five just past the county border... 4 ED - W Once again, the camera takes the point of view of the dark and brooding force which stops atop a forest ridge to peer downward. Its view focuses upon the 1973 Olds- mobile speeding along the narrow highway below. 5 ID - CAR ASHLY traces a route on the map with his finger. ASHLY ...Which would put us...which would put us... SCOTT Jesus Christ, just tell us already will ya? ASHLY zeroes in on the map with his finger. ASHLY ...Right... SCOTT is growing impatient. ASHLY ...Right... SCOTT Yes? ASHLY Here! Suddenly, the radio stops, and the steering wheel jerks from SCOTT's hand. 6 ED - CAR The car screetches out of control into the opposite lane. A large oncoming tanker truck with its horn screaming races toward the car on a collision coarse. 7 ID - CAR SHELLY Scotty, watch out! 8 ED - CAR The truck races closer. 9 ID - CAR Their steering wheel is locked. ASHLY Turn! 10 ED - CAR At the last possible instant, SCOTT's wheel again can be controlled, and the car swerves sharply back into its own lane. 11 ED - CAR The truck speeds harmlessly past them. 12 ID - CAR ASHLY Damn it Scott, what the hell was that? You trying to kill us? SCOTT Don't yell at me, it's your lousy steering wheel. The damn thing jerked right out of my hand. ASHLY I can't understand it. I just had this thing in for a tune-up. SHELLY Radio's dead too, ace. ASHLY And I just had 'em tune up the whole thing yesterday. SCOTT Well, then take it back 'cause the damn thing don't work. Only thing that works on the whole car is the lousy horn. SCOTT honks the horn. 13 ED - CAR Several local MEN walking down the highway respond to the horn by waving. 14 ID - CAR SCOTT yells out the window at them. SCOTT Aw, go to hell, I'm not waving at ya! He looks in the rear view mirror. The MEN are still wav- ing in the distance. SCOTT turns back to drive. SCOTT Jesus Christ. SHELLY turns around in the front seat and holds up a pint of Scotch. SHELLY Well, I'd like to make a toast. To Scott who almost killed us. SCOTT Aw, eat shit and die will ya? SHELLY and the others laugh. SHELLY Okay, okay- then to a wild week-end in a wonderful cabin with good friends, (She glances at SCOTT) provided we live that long. SHELLY cooly drinks from the Scotch and passes the bottle back to ASHLY and LINDA. ASHLY pours LINDA a drink in the bottle cap and keeps the bottle. They raise their drinks. ASHLY and LINDA ...With good friends. They toast, drink and react to the strong liquor. ASHLY tries to hide his reaction to the Scotch in front of LINDA, since SHELLY had reacted so calmly. ASHLY passes the bottle to CHERYL who stops him with a polite "No, thank you," then back up front to SCOTT. LINDA Hey Scotty, what's this place like anyway? SCOTT Well, the guy that's renting it says it's an old place, little run down, but it's right up in the mountains- totally secluded. (He takes a drink from the bottle) Best part is, we get it so cheap. LINDA Why are we getting it so cheap? SCOTT I don't know, might be in real bad shape. CHERYL You mean nobody's seen this place yet? SCOTT Not yet. ASHLY Might not be too bad. LINDA No... ASHLY Actually, it might be very nice. LINDA Yeah... SHELLY It's probably a real pit. CHERYL I can't believe that we're renting a place for a week-end that nobody's seen. SCOTT (Mumbling to himself) Jesus Christ, not this again... CHERYL (Turning to ASHLY) You know, mom and dad would never let us go up to a place like this if they knew- ASHLY -Which is exactly why they don't know. I'll tell you who I am gonna call. The guys that fixed up this car. 15 ED - CAR The car approaches an exit along the highway. 16 ID - CAR ASHLY glances at the map again. ASHLY Hey, I think this is where we get off. 17 ED - CAR The car turns off the main highway and follows several back roads until it approaches a narrow dirt lane that winds upward along a twin set of mountains. 18 ID - CAR SCOTT glances up to the peaks. SCOTT These mountains seem familiar. LINDA What do they remind you of? Some- thing majestic? Adventure? SCOTT Yeah, more like adventure. LINDA Any adventure in particular? SCOTT Shelly's sweater. ASHLY and SCOTT laugh out loud. LINDA laughs quietly, and CHERYL lets out an embarassed giggle to herself. SHELLY (Teasing) Oooh, you're gonna get it Scotty, when you least expect it, you're gonna get it good. 19 ED - B Finally, the car arrives at a wooden bridge extending over a great chasm. Carefully, the vehicle crosses. 20 ED - CAB It is late afternoon when they eventually arrive at their destination. The small wooden cabin is surrounded by thick dark woods. SCOTT shuts off the car but it contin- ues to sputter and backfire. 21 ID - CAR ASHLY reacts to his car. ASHLY I...I sent 'em a check for the tune-up. but I'm just not paying for it. LINDA This place is perfect. CHERYL The woods come awfully close to the house don't they? SCOTT So what's wrong with the woods, they can't bite ya. CHERYL It's just a little claustrophobic that's all. LINDA Well, I think it's beautiful. SHELLY Me too, it's gonna be a bomb week- end. 22 ED - CAB SCOTT moves to the front door of the cabin where he finds a small ring of keys concealed on the shelf above the door. ASHLY unloads the car to the others. SCOTT It's supposed to be one of these on here. After trying several keys, he is able to unlock the door. 23 ID - M.R. The interior of the cabin is completely dark. SCOTT opens the door and stands silhouetted in the doorway for a moment, then enters to find the light switch. The illumination reveals floors, walls, and ceilings made of cedar. There are two small bedrooms, a kitchen, and the main room which contains a stone fireplace set into the wall. An old grandfather clock stands silently in one corner, partially hidden in the shadows. A door in the rear of the cabin leads to a small work shed containing a work bench and an assortment of tools upon the wall. Located centrally in the main room is a trap door leading to the cellar. This catches SCOTT's eye. SCOTT Hey, this place has a dungeon. CHERYL puts down a case of art supplies, and moves over to SCOTT by the trap door. He unlocks a chain securing the trap door with one of his keys and hands the ring to SHELLY. SCOTT Put these back will you? SHELLY leaves with the keys, and SCOTT tries to open the hatch but cannot. SCOTT They nailed it shut. CHERYL Good, I don't like cellars. Probably just some garbage down there anyways. SCOTT Cheryl, they don't nail garbage in cellars. I mean it's not going to try and get out or anything. CHERYL Well, what's down there? SCOTT Well, could be any number of things. Old baseball cards, mushrooms, dead bodies- LINDA Hey, look at this! LINDA is standing in the corner next to the old grand- father clock. She repositions a balance weight, and it begins to tick. LINDA Ta daaaaaa! The others applaud and whistle. LINDA smiles. 24 ET - CAB The cabin is seen from the outside. Twilight has come. 25 IT - M.R. CHERYL sits alone in the living room near the window. She is drawing sketches of the old clock. As she works, the ticking stops unexpectedly. CHERYL puts down her pencil and looks up to the clock. It stands silently in the cor- ner with its hands frozen in position. There is a rust- ling from the woods. CHERYL looks out the window but can see only the trees. Something is moving outside, yet re- mains hidden within the forest. A gust of wind fills the room. CHERYL glances down at her hand. It turns a pale white and begins to shake and jerk about uncontrollably. She stares on incredulously as her hand, guided by some unseen force picks up the pencil and begins to sketch a figure upon her pad. The wind gales through the open window but dies down slowly as her hand completes the drawing. Whatever was at the edge of the woods has now retreated further into them. Her hand loses the pale cast and is now under control once more. CHERYL picks up her pad of paper. The likeness of a book with some form of ancient writing on its cover has been sketched. She looks to the woods which are now silent. A snapping of wood is heard from the cellar. CHERYL quickly turns to the trap door still nailed shut in the floor. Pos- sibly just a mouse, but she fixes her gaze upon it. Another sound, almost like faint breathing comes from the cellar. 26 IT - K/M.R. ASHLY and LINDA enter from the kitchen. ASHLY is drink- ing a beer and moves over to CHERYL. He stands between her and the trap door. ASHLY What're you drawing Cheryl? He picks up the piece of paper. LINDA looks over his shoulder to glance at it. CHERYL I...I don't know. ASHLY Is it a bible? CHERYL No, no it's no bible. (She glances again at the cellar, knowing some- thing is down there) I don't know what it is. LINDA Well, this one of the clock's not bad. LINDA picks up the sketch and walks over to the clock with it a few steps away. She stands comparing it to the real thing with her back to CHERYL and ASHLY. She is only a few inches from the trap door, and CHERYL wants to call out in warning when ASHLY kneels in front of her to speak secretly. ASHLY (In a whisper) I got it right here. He taps something in his shirt pocket. CHERYL is looking past him paying no attention. She watches only LINDA's feet, waiting for whatever is in the cellar to grab them. LINDA looks at the drawing in comparison. LINDA Cheryl, this is really good. I like how you did the numbers in that wood- ish style. ASHLY produces a small box from his shirt and opens it quickly to show CHERYL. It contains a gold pendant on a necklace. LINDA takes a step closer to the clock. She is now standing almost upon the trap door. Although nailed shut, it opens slightly, pulling the nails with it. CHERYL gasps. ASHLY is pleased with her response. ASHLY (Still in a whisper) I knew you'd like it. Quickly, he places it back in his shirt and touches his lips with a finger to indicate the secrecy of his sup- rise. LINDA returns with the sketch and places it back on CHERYL's small drawing table. LINDA It's really good Cheryl. Very close to the origional. CHERYL (In a relieved whisper) Yes, very close. LINDA I'm gonna check dinner. LINDA returns to the kitchen and ASHLY turns to CHERYL. ASHLY You better get washed up. I'll see ya in there. He winks, then follows LINDA into the kitchen. CHERYL again looks at the cellar. Slowly, from her point of view, the camera moves in toward the trap door, wait- ing...waiting. 27 IT - K A blender screams as it mixes up a drink in the kitchen. SHELLY shuts it off and carries it to the dining room. 28 IT - D.R. She joins the others who are now seated at the dinner table and serves the mixture. SCOTT sits between LINDA and CHERYL. He leans over to CHERYL. SCOTT (In a whisper) Dead bodies in the cellar, dead bodies in the cellar... CHERYL Will you stop it? LINDA Scott, leave her alone will ya? SCOTT turns toward LINDA. SCOTT Will you relax, I'm just kidding around. She can take a joke- He stops talking as he hears the trickling of water. He turns to see CHERYL finish pouring a glass of water in his lap. The others laugh. SCOTT is silent for a moment, then begins chuckling to himself. He turns to CHERYL. SCOTT (Jokingly) I'll get ya. With a napkin, he blots the water from his pants. SCOTT I'll get ya for this Cheryl. ASHLY stands with his drink and raises the glass. ASHLY I'd like to make a toast for all here this evening. As a greek friend of mine once said, "Nis-hat-nis-fert- dis-ruben-tu-tar-im." LINDA Which means? SCOTT Party down! The laughter is stifled by a loud snap and cracking of wood heard from the main room. SCOTT What the hell... All stand from the table and hurry to the main room. 29 IN - M.R. The nails that held down the trap door have been ripped out, and although still in tact, the hatch is wide open. They stand silently in front of it, looking blank as to what could have done this. CHERYL is slighly more nervous than the others. ASHLY is the first to speak. ASHLY (Slowly) What is this? SCOTT Whatever it is, it's still down there. CHERYL I don't like cellars, let's close it up. (She does not want to deal with it) It's probably just some animal. SCOTT An animal?! An an...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- that's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life. Jesus Christ. SCOTT locates a flashlight and peers into the hole. He traces the old wooden steps into darkness with his light. LINDA Maybe it is just some animal. SCOTT Yeah, probably right. It's probably just some animal. Uh...Cheryl, why don't you make sure. He hands the flashlight to CHERYL who quickly gives it back. CHERYL Scotty, I'm not going down there! SCOTT Okay, okay you cowards, I'll go. LINDA Scotty don't. You're crazy if you go down there. Why don't you wait until morning. SCOTT Look, I'll be all right. SHELLY What melodrama! What courage! A kiss my brave hero. SCOTT kisses SHELLY and with flashlight in hand, he descends the narrow steps into the cellars blackness. SHELLY I, your virgin queen eagerly await the precious moment when you will ascend. SCOTT Virgin queen?! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- He disappears below the floor. SHELLY, CHERYL, LINDA and ASHLY wait above. ASHLY (Calling down) Hey Scott, see any- thing? There is no answer. ASHLY Hey Scott!...Scott! SHELLY He's just kidding around. There is silence. SHELLY Isn't he? No sounds come from the cellar. ASHLY Linda, get me a flashlight. LINDA That's the only one we brought up. ASHLY spots a lantern on the fireplace mantle. ASHLY Then get that lantern. LINDA brings it over. ASHLY opens the kerosene valve, lights the wick, and descends into the basement. 30 IN - C Down below, ASHLY moves quietly past the old stone walls and wooden beams which support the main floor above. In front of him stands an old door which leads to another section of the cellar. Cautiously, he moves toward it. Before he can touch it, the door swings open slowly with a moan. ASHLY moves through the doorway and deeper into the cellar. Condensation from water pipes above turn the cellar into an echo chamber as drips fall into shallow pools on the dirt floor below. As ASHLY scans with his light, he spots a shadow move out the corner of his eye. ASHLY Scott? ASHLY breaks into a cold sweat as he moves away from the area where the shadow passed. He backs sqarely into a pair of arms which grab him. ASHLY Ahhhhhhh! It is only SCOTT behind him. ASHLY What the hell are you doing down here, jerkin' off? How come you didn't answer me? SCOTT When? ASHLY Just now, I mean upstairs. SCOTT I didn't hear you. ASHLY Oh well, did you find anything? SCOTT Uh-uh. ASHLY What's this? SCOTT sweeps his light to another corner and reveals several items atop a small table. Beneath a dusty cloth, he finds a book which appears to be covered in some sort of animal hide, with an ancient form of writing on the cover. Along with this book, SCOTT and ASHLY uncover a reel to reel tape recorder, an ancient dagger, and other parapanalia including a box of rifle shells. 31 EN - CAB It is evening as darkness surrounds the small cabin. 32 IN - M.R. The group sits huddled around the fireplace talking quietly about school. The same bottle of Scotch is passed around. ASHLY is rewinding the tape recorder, and once this is done, he turns it on. The voice of an old man is heard. ASHLY turns to the others who are talking. ASHLY Shhh, listen to this. VOICE My name is Julian Knowby. I am a pro- fessor of ancient Egyptian mythology in Dextin university's ancient history department... ASHLY This is the tape I found downstairs. VOICE (Continuing)...I am recording this entry from a small cabin in the south- ern mountains of Tennessee. Here, I am staying with my wife for a few weeks so that I may continue my research un- disturbed. Since May, a group of assoc- iate professors and myself have been excavating the ruins of Ca'n Dar. I believe I have made an important find in that area, and thus the reason for this log. With it, I can keep an ac- curate record of translations from my latest find; the first of six, the others still lost, volumes of ancient Sumarian burial practices and rites. Basically, it is a book of do's and don'ts dealing with the deceased en- titled "Naturan Demanto" roughly trans- lated "Book Of The Dead." It is bound in human flesh, and inked with blood of the deceased... SCOTT Jeez, I'd hate to find out what they used for pens. VOICE (Continuing)...This particular volume deals with demons and demon resurrect- ion. These are of the Katardi family, meaning those forces believed to inhab- it the jungles and woods of man's do- main. The first few pages that I have translated warn that these demons are dangerous, everpresent, and exist primarily through this book. As legend has it, only the sacred high priests of the Ca'n Dar tribe could posess these books, for they alone could properly control the resurrected de- mons. It is only through the act of reciting the resurrection passage that these demons would be able to posess the living. For many years, it was thought that this legend- CHERYL turns off the machine at this point. SCOTT Hey, what'd you do that for? It was just getting good. CHERYL I just don't want to hear any more that's all. SCOTT (Singing) Cheryl's scared, Cheryl's scared. ASHLY Scott, leave her alone will ya? SCOTT Jesus Christ. He moves to the tape recorder and fast forewards it for a bit then stops. SCOTT She's acting like a baby- it's no big deal. He turns the machine on. The passage continues. VOICE Tantir-ah-mis-trobeen-ha-zar-ta 33 EN - CAB As the tape plays, all natural sounds from the forest die out, and the autumn colors in the trees fade to a gloomy grey. 34 IN - M.R. VOICE Tantir-man-ov-mis-hazen-sober. All eyes except CHERYL's turn to the window. 35 EN - CAB Outside, clouds roll in from the east, thunder booms in the distance, and as the wind picks up, it begins to rain. 36 IN - M.R. VOICE Kanda! 37 EN - CAB A section of ground deep within the woods begins to crack, and opens. Smoke seeps out from within, as if some evil force was now being unleashed. 38 IN - M.R. CHERYL (In a whisper) Shut it off. VOICE Kanda! 39 EN - CAB The winds howl, and blackbirds fly from their nests, screaming. 40 IN - M.R. CHERYL (Louder now) Shut it off. ASHLY, hearing her for the first time, turns from the window to CHERYL. She is overwhealmed with fear. VOICE Kanda! 41 EN - CAB A bolt of lightning strikes very near and its thunder crash is deafening. 42 IN - M.R. CHERYL can no longer control herself. She screams and covers her ears. CHERYL Shut it offffff! The window shatters when a branch from a nearby tree tears through it. ASHLY runs to the tape recorder and turns it off. CHERYL is crying now, and runs to her room. ASHLY turns to SCOTT. ASHLY Scott, you knew not to play it, I mean...I mean you knew it was upset- ting her. You just don't know when you're carrying something too far. SCOTT (To SHELLY) C'mon. (Back to ASHLY) Big deal, it's just a joke, shit. SCOTT and SHELLY head for their bedroom. SCOTT mumbles to himself along the way. SCOTT You'd think she's three years old or something. SCOTT slams the door behind him. ASHLY sighs. He moves to the broken window and reaches through it to close the outside shutters. LINDA He's really been bothering you hasn't he? ASHLY walks to a chair near the other window. ASHLY No. It's not Scott. Scotty's okay. It's just that ever since we came up here, things have been a little too tense. (He sits) All these crazy things going on. And look at that window- we're gonna have to pay for that window now. LINDA It'll be better tomorrow. Things'll smooth out, you'll see. ASHLY I hope so. He looks at LINDA lovingly for a long moment. ASHLY What'ya say we stay up for a while and listen to the storm. LINDA Deal. Lemme check on Cheryl. I'll be right back. From across the room, she is seen opening CHERYL's door a crack. LINDA asks if she is all right, and gets a muffled reply. In the foreground, ASHLY removes the small box he showed to CHERYL earlier and places it in his hand. He glances behind to LINDA. She closes CHERYL's door and walks back to find ASHLY sound asleep with the box in his hand. She reaches for the box and ASHLY opens his eyes to watch. LINDA looks at him, but his eyes are closed again in time to still appear fast asleep. LINDA turns her attention back to the box. ASHLY watches again wide-eyed as she removes it from his hand. Quickly, LINDA turns to him but as expected, ASHLY is sleeping like a baby. She begins to turn back toward the box and ASHLY opens his eyes, but LINDA turns back again in time to catch him with his eyes wide open. LINDA Ah ha! ASHLY (Laughing) Stealing from the blind eh? It's for you. LINDA begins to open the box. LINDA It better be good. The gold necklace is revealed inside. LINDA Oh Ash, it's beautiful. LINDA kisses ASHLY. He removes the necklace from the box and holds it around her neck. ASHLY (Fastening it around her neck) I was going to give it to you before we left, but things got so hectic, this is the first chance I've had. Do you like it? LINDA moves to a mirror. LINDA It's beautiful. I really love it. (She turns to ASHLY) I'll never take it off. 43 EN - CAB Lightning strikes as something in the woods examines the small cottage. Through the outside window, ASHLY and LINDA can be seen embracing. This force watching them moves around the house to another window. The silhouette of SCOTT and SHELLY undressing can be seen. The force continues around and arrives at CHERYL's window. Inside, she brushes her hair in front of the mirror for a moment, then sets down her brush and moves to the window. She stops to uncrumple the sketch drawn earlier, looks at it, then out to the dark woods. 44 IN - C.B. CHERYL can faintly hear some kind of sound. It is the same sound she had heard earlier from the cellar. A noise almost like that of something breathing. 45 EN - CAB The evil entity rounds the corner of the cabin as CHERYL walks through the rooms to the front door. She can be seen stepping out the door. It closes behind her. Wind shaking the tree branches sends dead leaves fluttering about. CHERYL (Calling to the woods) Is anybody out there? There is no answer. CHERYL steps away from the cottage toward the woods. 46 EN - W The breeze animates her nightgown and it too seems alive. CHERYL stops. CHERYL I know someone's out there...I heard you...I heard you in the cellar. Suddenly, CHERYL becomes chilled. She folds her arms around herself and stands at the woods edge, listening. There is only darkness and sounds of the evening wind blowing through the trees. CHERYL steps into the forest a few feet then stops. A cry deep within the woods can be heard. She freezes. Whispering in the distance grows somewhat louder and a soft wail is heard- like that of something long since dead, dredged up to roam the earth again. CHERYL is about to turn back toward the cabin when a rustling comes from a group of trees about twenty yards behind her. She stops. No sound. Nothing moves. Several yards to her left a twig snaps suddenly. She turns but there is silence again. The winds die down, leaving a deathly stillness throughout the woods. Then, all at once, the entire forest becomes alive in a flurry of chaotic noises and movement. Snake-like vines wrap around her ankles and slither up her legs. Tree branches near by begin to claw and rake at her. The force is now moving through the woods toward her. CHERYL is able to break the vines and run toward the cabin. She emerges from the woods and into the clearing. The force is still following. 47 EN - CAB CHERYL reaches the cabin door but it is locked. She begins pounding upon the door. CHERYL Help, help, let me in. Open the door! The evil entity now emerges from the woods. CHERYL Ashly! Linda! Open up! CHERYL spots the small key ring above the door where SHELLY had returned them earlier. One by one, she fran- tically jams one key after another into the lock, but still cannot find the right one. The force comes closer with each key. CHERYL Please, someone please! Help me, help meeeee! The evil entity is almost upon her, but her actions are so frantic that the ring falls to the ground. She bends down to pick them up, but a hand grabs her arm. It is SCOTT who has opened the door from the inside. She pushes him in the door and slams it tightly. 48 IN - M.R. SCOTT What the hell happ- CHERYL (In hysterics) It...it tried to kill me. I, I heard a noise and...and I ran and the trees...the trees! SCOTT What are you- He is cut off by ASHLY approaching with the others. ASHLY Cheryl what's wrong with you? Did something in the woods do this to you? CHERYL No, no, no...the woods themselves- The trees- they're alive... She hugs ASHLY tightly and cries in hysterical sobs. CHERYL They're alive... LINDA Ash, why don't I take her into the bedroom so she can lie down a little- CHERYL (Cutting her off) -I'm not lying down! I'm not staying here. We're leaving this place, we're leaving this place right now! SCOTT Wait a minute, I'm sure as hell not going anywhere. SHELLY Cheryl- ASHLY Cheryl, there's nothing out there. Trees do not attack people. CHERYL Ashly, will you drive me into town or not? ASHLY (Looking at his watch) Right Now? (He realizes how desperate she is) Sure, sure I'll drive you into town. But if you'll just listen to what you're saying, you- CHERYL I don't care how it sounds. I want to leave this minute. You can bring back my things when you go. ASHLY Okay- if you don't want to stay, I can't make you. LINDA puts a coat around CHERYL as ASHLY helps her to the door. 49 EN - CAB ASHLY and CHERYL move to the car. ASHLY helps CHERYL in then then gets in the drivers side. 50 IN - CAR CHERYL I'll stay some place in town tonight. ASHLY tries to start the car. There is no response. CHERYL becomes somewhat worried. ASHLY tries again. The car will not turn over. A look of dread comes across CHERYL's face. 51 EN - CAB SCOTT and the others join the two outside. 52 IN - CAR CHERYL It's not gonna start. ASHLY again tries the engine. CHERYL I know it's not gonna start. It's not gonna let us leave. ASHLY keys the engine and it turns over this time, start- ing up with a roar. ASHLY, worried by CHERYL's condition glances over to her. Confused and upset, CHERYL turns away from ASHLY and looks out her window. They drive off into the night through the wooded mountains toward town. ASHLY glances at CHERYL who is studying the forest in- tensely for any sign of movement. The concern for his sister is made obvious by the expression on his face. Their car approaches the narrow bridge area and slows down. CHERYL Why are you slowing down? ASHLY brings the car to a halt. CHERYL What is this? ASHLY's gaze is fixed directly ahead, and his mouth opens slowly. He flips on the high beams which stab through the evening mist. 53 EN - B The bridge over the chasm has been torn away. CHERYL is silent as ASHLY walks to the ravine's edge to examine any remains. 54 IN - CAR CHERYL (Mumbling to herself) No, no, no, no, no...it's not going to let us leave, it's not going to let us go...it's not gonna let us gooooo! 55 EN - CAB An axe is raised into the air, then brought down smash- ing upon a log, splitting it in two. SCOTT is chopping wood outside the cabin. Behind him, through a window, CHERYL sits with a cup of tea in her hand watching him. SCOTT sets his axe down, gathers the wood and moves away. CHERYL shifts her gaze from SCOTT to the woods beyond. The camera moves in toward CHERYL then past her to SHELLY and LINDA who can be seen playing cards on the floor. ASHLY is seated near the fireplace with the tape recorder in front of him. He plugs an earphone in so only he can hear it. SCOTT enters the cabin and passes in front of ASHLY to drop his wood to one side of the fireplace. He throws a log in, and heads back outside. 56 IN - M.R. From inside, LINDA speaks. LINDA Cheryl, wanna play some cards? CHERYL (Turning with a smile) Uh-uh. CHERYL turns to face the window again. LINDA Hey, tomorrow morning, we'll find some way around that cliff into town okay? CHERYL Okay. Outside the window, SCOTT chops more wood for the nights fire. ASHLY turns on the tape recorder to listen with the ear plug. VOICE March 12th. Suzanne came after me and almost murdered me. My own wife. At first I thought it was a mental or physical disorder because of what had happened to her eyes, but I was only fooling myself. I knew what it was. Outside the window, SCOTT continues to chop and gather wood. SHELLY, still engaged in cards with LINDA, holds up one in particular. SHELLY Okay, guess this card. LINDA How am I going to know what card that is? SHELLY Guess, I'm going to see if you're psychic. The card is a two of clubs. LINDA Okaaaay...is it a queen? SHELLY Right! LINDA Really? SHELLY Yeah. LINDA Hey Ash, I guessed the card right. ASHLY (indifferently) Truly amazing Linda. He is listening intently to the log as it continues. VOICE Three days have passed since that thing has been down there. I was hop- ing to weaken it without food or water. Nothing worked. Finally, in desperation I dragged her out to the shed and dismembered her so that what- ever it was could not get up again. SHELLY Cheryl, did you see that? CHERYL remains with her back to them staring out the window. SHELLY Try this one. She removes a nine of clubs from the deck and holds it up. LINDA Okay, lemme think, uh... She puts her hands to her head in a curved funnel form- ation as if to direct her thoughts to the card. LINDA ...Um, it's a seven. SHELLY Oh my God, what suit? LINDA Diamonds, no wait! I mean hearts! SHELLY That's right- seven of hearts! LINDA Hey Ash, did you see that? I guessed two cards in a row. ASHLY (Still not paying attention) How do you do it Linda? He is concentrating on the tape. VOICE This is when I saw the dark figures moving about in the woods. I should have never tampered with the "Book Of The Dead." I now know that what- ever it is I have resurrected through this book, is coming for me. LINDA You know, I always thought I had some sort of extra sense. You know, like e.s.p or something. SHELLY What's this one? She holds up the queen of spades. LINDA Another seven! SHELLY I don't believe it! CHERYL (Still looking outside) Queen of spades. SHELLY looks at her card then back to CHERYL. She holds up another card. CHERYL Four of hearts. The card is a four of hearts. SHELLY bites her lip in fear and reaches for another card. ASHLY and LINDA listen in silence. CHERYL Eight of spades. SHELLY picks up the card. CHERYL is correct again. CHERYL Two of spades- jack of diamonds- jack of clubs- Faster and faster she calls them off. Even before SHELLY can flip them to keep up. Suddenly, CHERYL turns toward the group. Her eyes are bone white. SHELLY's deck of cards slip from her hand and scatter across the floor. CHERYL's body is hoisted up to its feet and jerked about like a white-eyed marionette. She speaks in a voice un- like her own. CHERYL Why have you disturbed our sleep, awakened us from our ancient slum- ber? You will die. Like the others before you. We will take you one by one. All of you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- She screams in a low gruff voice and collapses to the floor. ASHLY Oh my God, Shelly, get Scott in here! SHELLY does not respond. ASHLY Hurry! She exits through the front door. LINDA moves to CHERYL and lifts her head gently. CHERYL appears unconcious but behind her, she reaches for a pen. LINDA Did you see her eyes? I'm scared. What's wrong with her? ASHLY begins to speak when SCOTT and SHELLY enter. SCOTT What happened to her? CHERYL's hand clutches the pen tightly. LINDA Look at her eyes. SCOTT's hand reaches for CHERYL's eyes to inspect them, but they blink open. The pen in her hand races upward, then slashes down, ripping into LINDA's achilles tendon. LINDA screams fiercely and with a blur, the bloodied pen is raised again. ASHLY grabs CHERYL's arm stopping her, but with a powerful swipe, she swings her remaining arm at LINDA who is sent sprawling across the cabin floor. CHERYL then clutches ASHLY and, almost lifting him, sends his body reeling across the room into a book- case which topples over, trapping him beneath its weight. SHELLY stands screaming as CHERYL now advances toward ASHLY's face with the bloody pen. He struggles to pull himself out but cannot. CHERYL is almost upon him when SCOTT grabs her from behind. Effortlessly, she tosses him off and moves toward ASHLY again. SCOTT climbs to his feet and grabs the axe. CHERYL raises the pen above ASHLY's face, and SCOTT gives her a sharp jab in the jaw with the wooden handle. CHERYL stumbles past LINDA and falls backwards, head first into the cellar. She begins to climb out but SCOTT slams the trap door shut upon her hand. It won't close. CHERYL starts to push the trap door open from below. SCOTT climbs on top and is almost thrown off until he viciuosly rams the butt of his axe down upon her protruding hand. Demented screams and moans are heard from below as CHERYL's hand is finally pulled back and SCOTT manages to secure the chain across the hatch. 57 IN - LB Later that evening, LINDA is seen in her bed, sleeping. ASHLY covers her with a blanket, kisses her, and walks to the door, closing it quietly behind him. 58 IN - M.R. ASHLY joins SCOTT and SHELLY who sit near the fire in the main room. From the cellar, strange moans, sobs and laughter emerge, then horrible rasping sounds from CHERYL's breathing. Through the next sequence of dialogue, her breathing becomes louder then somewhat quiet. SCOTT She'll be okay Ash, she just took a bad bump. ASHLY (Quietly) Yeah. SCOTT and SHELLY listen to the strange noises from below as ASHLY looks out the window to the woods beyond. ASHLY We've still got a few hours before morning. SHELLY I don't know if I can wait that long. SCOTT You have to. We all have to. Then, once it's light out, we'll try to find a way to get around that chasm. SHELLY (Covering her ears) Why does she keep making those horrible noises? ASHLY I don't know. SHELLY And what about her eyes? ASHLY and SCOTT are quiet. SHELLY What about her eyes? (Desperately) For God's sake what happened to her eyes?! CHERYL patiently sits in the cellars darkness with a streak of light across her eyes from the crack in the trap door. Her head is slightly tilted as she watches and listens to what is said above. From her point of view we hear SCOTT speak to SHELLY. SCOTT Everything's gonna be all right. CHERYL's lips part slightly and a thick blackish yellow liquid drools out between her teeth. She grins. 59 EN - CAB Outside, the forest is very dark. The unseen force moves from the wooded area, pushing over small trees and shrubs as it advances. The cottage comes into view and the evil entity glides up to it. The figure of a girl in the cabin window can be seen looking out. The force stops and moves behind a bush. 60 IN - M.R. Inside, SHELLY is studying the woods. SHELLY Scotty, I...I think there's some- thing out there. SCOTT joins her at the window and looks out. 61 EN - CAB From within the woods, this force watches SCOTT peer out, but he can see nothing. Through the window he says some- thing to reassure SHELLY and moves away. 62 IN - M.R. Inside, SCOTT can be heard in mid sentence. SCOTT ...Is to get some rest. Ash and I can stay up with Cheryl. SHELLY Okay. SCOTT Everything's gonna be okay. Come morning- you'll see. SHELLY heads to her bedroom. SCOTT walks back to the fireplace and sits. He slices twigs from a branch with the Sumarian dagger and tosses them into the fire. ASHLY glances at the Book Of The Dead, then to the old clock. It stands silent. 63 EN - CAB Again, the evil entity watches from outside. It sees SHELLY leave one room and turn the lights on in another. She begins to undress near the window. The force now moves from behind its cover and rushes at tremendous speed to SHELLY who is looking out her bedroom window. She sees it and sheer terror covers her face as a scream stifles itself in her throat, but it is too late. 64 IN - M.R. A noise is heard from SHELLY's bedroom. SCOTT drops the small stick he was whittling and looks up. He places the dagger on the floor and walks toward SHELLY's room. SCOTT Shelly, are you okay? She does not answer. SCOTT approaches her door and turns to ASHLY. SCOTT Keep an eye on Cheryl for a minute. 65 IN - S.B. SCOTT enters the darkness of her room and sees nothing amidst the shadows. SCOTT Shelly? He looks over to her window. It is open, and wind blows upon the curtains. 66 IN - S. BATH SCOTT steps into SHELLY's bathroom and sees that the shower curtain is drawn. Cautiously, he moves up to it. SCOTT Shelly? He pulls the curtain back to reveal an empty tub. SCOTT turns back to the bedroom when SHELLY steps into the doorway, posessed. With a scream, she latches upon SCOTT. Her eyes have gone bone white and she claws at SCOTT's face and clothes with her nails. 67 IN - S.B. Screaming, SCOTT stumbles through her bedroom with SHELLY still upon him biting at his throat. 68 IN - M.R. They stagger into the main room where SCOTT manages to knock SHELLY off himself and into the fireplace. She remains motionless as her head smolders upon the hot coals. SCOTT rushes to her, grabs an arm and pulls her out. SHELLY's face and hair on one side of her head are seared and blackened. She blinks her eyes open, turns her charred head to SCOTT, and speaks in a rasp. SHELLY Thank you. I don't know what I would have done if I had remained on the hot coals burning my pretty flesh. You have pretty skin- give it to us! Cackling, SHELLY clutches SCOTT's neck and begins throttl- ing the life out of him with a vice-like grip. He tries to break the hold but cannot. ASHLY also tries but with a backhand blow, SHELLY knocks him into a cabinet, smash- ing it to bits. A garbled cry for help escapes from SCOTT's frothing mouth. SHELLY reaches down, picks up the Sumarian dagger, and holding SCOTT by his throat with one hand, she raises the dagger with the other. ASHLY, slightly injured, crawls to his feet. SCOTT grabs her raised arm and although choking, swings his camping knife from its side sheath and slices deep into SHELLY's raised wrist, almost severing it. A murky black ooze pumps from the wound. She emits an ear splitting- howl and tightens her grip on SCOTT's throat. He drops the hunting knife. ASHLY watches terrified, unable to move as SHELLY raises her dangling hand (Still clutching the dagger) to her mouth and bites it off. The useless part falls to the floor with the dagger still firmly in its fist. SCOTT, now almost dead, grabs her severed hand clutching the dagger and in a last attempt, swings it around ramming the blade into her spine. SHELLY screetches along with CHERYL in the cellar, the old grandfather clock gongs and lightning strikes all at the same instant. SHELLY reaches around with her remaining arm to clutch at the severed hand and knife protruding from her own back. A thick black ooze pours from the wound as she bends backward screaming. ASHLY stands in horror, clutching the axe, unable to move. Black ooze runs from SHELLY's mouth as her body writhes about spasmatically upon the floor. Gradually, the move- ments cease and she is dead. As SCOTT slowly stands to his feet, SHELLY's arm grabs his leg. SCOTT Ahhhhhhh! Some force reanimates her, even though the body is dead. ASHLY No...no...no... SCOTT Hit her! SHELLY's body is hoisted up, jerking about to its feet, and laughing madly. SCOTT Hit it! SCOTT screams this as he backs toward ASHLY who stands with the axe, paralyzed. Gurgling black ooze, SHELLY advances toward them with one remaining arm. SCOTT grabs the axe from ASHLY, pushes him away and slams it into her. Lightning flashes, thunder booms, and CHERYL screams from the cellar. SCOTT brings his axe down again and again in a frenzy. Then, after the final chop, there is silence. SHELLY's body remains on the floor for quite some time- until ASHLY can cope with the fact that she is dead and something must be done. ASHLY Uh...Scott. SCOTT Yeah. ASHLY What is uh...what are we gonna do? SCOTT Bury her. ASHLY You...can't bury Shelly. She's a friend of ours isn't she? SCOTT Ash, she's dead. ASHLY moves away from SCOTT. SCOTT Shelly's dead. We're gonna bury her now. ASHLY bites his lip and looks about blankly. 69 EN - CAB Finally, the body is dragged outside and buried near the work shed. Harsh floodlights from the house make the task look very stark and barren. 70 IN - M.R. SCOTT and ASHLY return inside. ASHLY heads to LINDA's room to check in on her. 71 IN - L.B. He peers in to see LINDA sleeping peacefully. 72 IN - M.R. ASHLY quietly returns to the main room. SCOTT is load- ing new batteries into a flashlight. SCOTT I saw an old hiking trail when we were driving up here. Now I don't know if it goes all the way around that gorge- ASHLY -Or if it's even still in tact. SCOTT Or if it's even still in tact. But uh, I guess I'll find out. Take good care of Linda. ASHLY I will. Do you have everything? SCOTT (Putting on a small back pack) Yeah- all set. ASHLY Listen...Scotty...I'm sorry about falling apart like that when- SCOTT Don't bother, really. He steps out the door. SCOTT If I find a way out of here, I'll mark it and then come back. Then if I'm not back here in a few hours... if for some reason...well, if I don't come back, grab Linda, leg and all, and just get her the hell out of here. They shake hands. ASHLY You're a good man. SCOTT Good, I'm the best. 73 EN - CAB ASHLY smiles a good-bye to SCOTT and watches him move off into the night. He lingers for a moment by SHELLY's grave, then slowly disappears into the woods. 74 IN - M.R. ASHLY closes the door and turns back to the main room. He sees CHERYL's eyes through the crack in the cellar. She has been watching all of this through a space be- tween the trap door and floor. ASHLY walks past her to LINDA's room. 75 IN - L.B. He opens the door and a crack of light falls across her. LINDA wakes up. LINDA Who's there? Ash? ASHLY It's me Linda. LINDA Ash, I had a bad dream about Linda. ASHLY You did baby? LINDA Yeah. She's all right isn't she? ASHLY Yeah. Fine. LINDA Is Shelly okay too Ash? ASHLY can no longer hide his fear and anxiety. He speaks in a whisper so as not to let his voice quiver. ASHLY Yeah, sure. She's sleeping that's all. LINDA Ash, I love you. (She turns over) ASHLY Get some rest. ASHLY closes the door behind him and the fear from a few hours ago engulfs him once more. 76 IN - M.R. ASHLY moves into the main room and stops dead in his tracks when a voice in the cellar speaks. CHERYL You lied to her. You lied to Linda. Shelly's not sleeping. She's dead. Don't you know the difference? You killed her. You and Scott cut her up with the axe. She's dead ha-ha-ha-ha- ha-ha- ASHLY picks up the axe and slams it down upon the trap door. CHERYL is silent from below for a moment, then the hatch opens an inch or so. (The length of the chain securing it) CHEYL's white eyes can be seen again. CHERYL Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY takes the axe and steps outside. 77 EN - CAB He begins to chop wood, taking out his emotions upon the logs with each blow. SHELLY's blood can still be seen on the blade of the axe. 78 IN - M.R. From her dungeon, CHERYL watches ASHLY chop wood in the window. The shadow of his axe rising then striking is seen over her white eyes. 79 EN - CAB Exhausted, ASHLY puts down the axe. He looks off into the woods but there is no sign of SCOTT. He returns to the cabin. 80 IN - M.R. CHERYL begins her taunting again. CHERYL Soon all of you will be like me and then who will lock you in the cellar? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- CHERYL begins to violently ram her fists against the trap door. ASHLY walks by her to LINDA's room. 81 IN - L.B. She is still asleep. Quietly, so as not to wake her, ASHLY pulls back her blanket exposing the bandaged leg. He re- moves the wrappings and looks at the wound. As he does this, it infects with a blackened coloration at an in- credible speed. ASHLY looks up to see if LINDA is still sleeping and sees that she has been watching him with white eyes and an evil grimace upon her face. She lets out a low growl. 82 IN - M.R. ASHLY jolts backwards out of her room to escape through the front door. He steps outside and stops to look back in. He can see the main room, but finds it difficult to see in LINDA's room, being lost in the shadows. Something ragged and bloody grabs him. It is SCOTT's mutilated body ripped and torn to shreds. He is still alive. ASHLY looks behind him through the door to LINDA's room. He can barely make out LINDA who sits on the bed watching him with glaring white eyes. ASHLY helps SCOTT to the couch so he can sit. SCOTT is in agony and can barely speak. SCOTT Ash, I think I'm dying. Jesus, I can't feel my legs. ASHLY Uh...uh Scotty you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be just fine- you'll see. He throws another log on the fire. ASHLY You'll see. He looks off into LINDA's bedroom again, but she is gone. She is now sitting in the corner of the main room where ASHLY is, watching him. SCOTT begins to cough with hor- rible rasping sounds. SCOTT It's, it's not gonna let us leave... Cheryl...Cheryl was right...we're all gonna die here... ASHLY We're not gonna die! SCOTT ...All gonna die. All of us. ASHLY grabs SCOTT and shakes him violently. ASHLY We're not gonna die! We're not gonna die! We're getting out of here! Now listen to me- is there a way around the chasm. SCOTT passes out. ASHLY Scotty. Scott! ASHLY slaps SCOTT. He stirs awake and mumbles. SCOTT Jesus Ash. I don't want to die. So... so lonely to die like this. You're not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash? CHERYL (Imitating SCOTT) I don't want to die. So lonely to die like this. You're not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY Scott, is there some way around the chasm? SCOTT Ash, I'm scared- I...I can't feel my legs. ASHLY Scott, listen to me please, for God's sake. Is there a way around the chasm? SCOTT There is...one way, the trail...but the trees, they know...don't you see- they're alive!! They're ali-ahhhhhhh! His sentence is cut short as he cries out in sharp pain. Blood dribbles from his nostrils and he doubles over grabbing his stomach. LINDA begins to laugh. ASHLY looks to her, or rather what posesses her with hatred. ASHLY Shut up! She continues to laugh. CHERYL in the cellar joins in the laughter. ASHLY walks to LINDA and slaps her but she continues. He grabs a hunting rifle from a rack on the wall, loads it with shells, flips off the safety and places the barrels against LINDA's head. ASHLY God forgive me Linda. The laughter stops and her eyes return to normal. It is LINDA again. ASHLY puts down the rifle. LINDA Ash, oh Ash, help Me! Please. She hugs him tightly. LINDA Don't let them take me away again, please, please, please. ASHLY (Crying and holding her tightly) I won't, I won't- I promise. CHERYL's voice is heard from the blackness of the cellar. CHERYL Ashly? Ashly, help me. Let me out of here. I'm all right now. ASHLY releases LINDA and moves cautiously to the cellar. LINDA remains behind nervously fumbling with her necklace. CHERYL I'm all right now, Ashly. I'm all right. Come unlock this chain and let me out. ASHLY Cheryl? There is no reply from the cellar. ASHLY looks through the crack but sees only darkness. He reaches for the chain and begins to unlock it, but sensing something wrong, he stops. ASHLY Cheryl? He puts his ear to the floor listening for the slight- est sound. CHERYL's arms rip through the floor boards and grab ASHLY's head. He breaks away and her hand reaches for the chain but cannot quite grasp it. Slowly it withdraws beneath the floor. CHERYL (A little too sweet) Ash, what are you doing? This is your sister Cheryl. Don't you recognize me? Her voice drifts off, and the evil leughter resumes from the celler. ASHLY (Crying and yelling to the cellar) You bastards! Why are you doing this? Why? There is silence for a moment. Laughter from behind him begins again. It is LINDA. Her eyes are white once more, and she laughs at ASHLY. ASHLY Oh...Linda. With newly found courage, ASHLY angrily grabs LINDA by the legs and drags her outside. 83 EN - CAB LINDA It's useless, useless, useless. In time we'll come for him, then you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ASHLY leaves her in the woods and runs back to the cabin, closing the door behind him. 84 IN - M.R. SCOTT is coughing again. SCOTT Ash, Ash, please...I don't want to die- but...but I can't stand this pain. It hurts Ash. Gimme something. Gimme something to put me out. ASHLY Scott, I can't. I- I know it's bad. But I can't be alone now, I can't. I'd lose my mind. SCOTT Please Ash, please. ASHLY You'll get better- you'll see. LINDA's laughter is faintly heard outside. ASHLY moves to the window and pulls back the curtain. LINDA is no longer in the woods but sitting at the edge of the clear- ing, watching ASHLY with her glowing white eyes. ASHLY Yeah, tomorrow, soon, you'll be better and we'll both get out of here tomorrow. SCOTT There is no tomorrow! You- you've got to kill her and cut- cut her up- your sister too. ASHLY No, that was only with Shelly. You had to with Shelly. You- Linda loves me. You're delirious- I...I'll get you some water. ASHLY places a glass to Scott's lips. ASHLY Now, now the sun will be up in an hour or so and we'll get out of here ...together. You, me, Linda, Shelly- n-no not Shelly, she- we'll all go home together. Wouldn't you like to be going home? You'd like that I'd bet, wouldn't ya? There is no answer from SCOTT. The water runs out of his mouth. ASHLY ...Scott. SCOTT is dead. LINDA's laughter is heard again. ASHLY walks to the window and pulls back the curtain. There is nothing there. He turns and she is there! With the Sumarian dagger, LINDA rips into ASHLY's shirt, cutting his arm. He screams and watches in horror as she runs her tongue over the dagger, licking the blood from it. She turns her attention toward ASHLY again but he grabs her and they struggle. LINDA backs ASHLY up against SCOTT, knocking his body to the floor. CHERYL's gnarled arm reaches up through the broken floor boards and grabs at ASHLY's foot. He manages to turn LINDA's arm so the knife is behind her back. Forcefully, ASHLY pushes her over the body of SCOTT and she falls back- ward upon the dagger, impaling herself upon it. The blade tears into her back and rips through her stomach. Lightning flashes, thunder roars, and LINDA screams in a deep growl once, then all is quiet. ASHLY drags LINDA's corpse past the crumpled body of SCOTT, past CHERYL, who watches all of this from below, through the back door and out to the work shed. 85 IN - W.S. He lifts her up onto the work bench and secures her body to it with a number of chains which hang from nails along the wall. He rips down a tarp hanging on the wall to reveal a chain saw. He starts it up and moves toward her. Buzzing madly, the saw is lowered to a position several inches above LINDA's neck. ASHLY looks into LINDA's face. Her eyes have gone back to blue. He turns off the saw. ASHLY (In a whisper) Linda... He drops the saw and breaks down crying over LINDA's body. 86 EN - CAB An evening mist drifts out of the woods and cloaks the shed as ASHLY carries LINDA's body outside for burial. He lays the body upon the ground and picks up a shovel. Harsh floodlights from the corners of the cabin create strange shadows on the ground as ASHLY digs LINDA's grave. She lies on her back during the digging. One of her eyes opens. It is white. ASHLY drops the shovel and looks at her. She appears to be dead. 87 IN - M.R. Inside the cabin, CHERYL begins slamming her fists against the trap door in the cellar again. She wants out. The screws holding the hatch in place begin to loosen. 88 EN - CAB ASHLY places LINDA's corpse in the grave, oblivious to CHERYL's pounding. He begins to cover her with dirt. 89 IN - M.R. CHERYL has ripped out all but one screw which holds the trap door in tact. 90 EN - CAB ASHLY glances to the grave and sees LINDA's necklace on top of the dirt mound. He reaches down to pick it up when LINDA's hand shoots up from beneath the grave and grabs him! She pulls herself up out of the grave scream- ing and clutches ASHLY's leg with a black and bloodied hand. He twists around, trying to free himself, but she will not let go. By now, LINDA is almost completely out of the grave. With her fingernails, she rips into ASHLY's leg, tearing his skin. Screaming, he picks up a large log nearby and swings it roundhouse into her face again and again, breaking the wood into smaller bits. She grabs the log with him clinging to the other end, lifts him up and throws ASHLY log and all, away from her. ASHLY hits the ground with considerable force and for the first time begins to comprehend the power of this thing he is dealing with. Thick black ooze pours from LINDA's nose and mouth as she turns toward ASHLY sprawled on the ground. ASHLY Stay back. His hand gropes for the handle of the spade. LINDA advances toward him, laughing. ASHLY Linda please, if you can still hear me. Keep away. His fingers tighten on the wooden handle. With a scream, she lunges toward him. From the ground, ASHLY swings the spade upward, lopping off her head. The head falls into the mud, but the body falls upon him, grabbing and jerk- ing about spasmatically. Thick black ooze pumps from her neck and ASHLY manages to pull himself out from underneath the body. He backs away in disgust and falls. He picks himself up again and sees LINDA's necklace upon the ground. ASHLY stashes it in his pocket and staggers back to the cabin. 91 IN - M.R. Inside, he looks to the main room beyond SCOTT's body. ASHLY Oh..... It is a moan from deep inside him. The trap door is open and CHERYL is gone. ASHLY walks over and kicks it shut. A slight breeze sweeps through the front door causing SHELLY's bedroom door to creak open. ASHLY picks up the rifle again and cautiously moves to the door. 92 IN - S.B. He enters. The room is dark and the closet door bangs back and forth because of the breeze. ASHLY moves toward it, grabs the handle and slowly opens the door. Only clothes are inside. He turns toward the other end of the room and CHERYL pops up in the window right by him. He swings and fires, shattering the window. CHERYL backs away and spots the open front door. ASHLY The door... He makes a mad dash through SHELLY's room. 93 IN - M.R. In the main room, ASHLY races for the door. 94 EN - CAB Outside, CHERYL is almost upon the door. 95 IN - MR ASHLY arrives in time, but CHERYL has already started reaching in. He slams the door on her fingers and rams his gun butt down upon them. Horrible screams are heard as CHERYL withdraws her hand. ASHLY is able to slam the door and bolt it. He runs to the back entrance lead- ing to the shed and locks it also. On his way back to the main room, he pumps his rifle in preparation. It is his last shell. ASHLY (To himself) More shells. Where did I see that box of shells? 96 IN - C From the basement, the trap door lifts open and ASHLY decends. The bottom step, now rotten, breaks under his weight, and ASHLY sprawls to the floor. Slowly, he picks himself up and walks through the dividing stone doorway beneath the water pipes to a small table. On it, he finds the box of shells and quickly loads them into the gun. He ascends the steps and enters the main room once more. 97 IN - M.R. The sound of ticking catches ASHLY's attention. He looks up to see the old grandfather clock slowly winding back- wards. He watches and waits tensely. Turning carefully, ASHLY tries to monitor all the windows. The ticking grows louder. A shadow passes in the window before him and he fires, shattering the glass into a million pieces. Wind whips through the cabin swirling glass and leaves to the floor. ASHLY waits, leaning against the front door for something to happen. He is tense and more determined than ever to survive. He whispers to himself. ASHLY C'mon, c'mon, get it over with, why are you torturing me like this? Placing his hand to his side, ASHLY discovers something in his pocket. He lifts it to his eyes. It is LINDA's necklace. ASHLY ...Linda. (He whispers) The ticking stops. He tilts his head for the slightest sound. All is silent. From behind, two arms rip through the door and grab him. ASHLY tears away and falls to the floor. The necklace is tossed away in the confusion. CHERYL's hands pull away and she looks through a hole in the door. From the floor, ASHLY raises his rifle and fires at her head. 98 EN - CAB Clutching at her face and screaming horribly, CHERYL is jolted from the door. 99 IN - M.R. ASHLY places a dresser and chair against the holes in the door. Behind ASHLY, SCOTT's corpse sits up and opens its white eyes. It stands and moves toward ASHLY. He turns with the gun, but SCOTT knocks it out of his hands. Desperately, ASHLY grabs a table lamp and shatters it across SCOTT's head, then jams the exposed socket into his face, shocking him. SCOTT staggers back several steps, then continues after ASHLY. 100 EN - CAB Outside, Cheryl is now pounding against the front door. 101 IN - M.R. ASHLY picks up a small table upon which are the Book Of The Dead, and the professors journal. He throws it at SCOTT. This does not affect him, and he advances closer. The Book Of The Dead lands near the fireplace and edges of the paper darken from the heat. SCOTT picks up ASHLY and begins to throttle him as if he were a rag doll. The front door begins to give under CHERYL's pounding. ASHLY brings his hands to SCOTT's eyes. With a crash, CHERYL breaks through the front door and begins to push the dresser away. Pages from the Book Of The Dead are smolder- ing now. ASHLY jams his fingers into SCOTT's eyes and slips from the grip. SCOTT clutches his eye sockets and his back begins to smolder. ASHLY now sees the book. Its pages burn at the edge. CHERYL topples the dresser and enters the room. Her face is partially torn away from the shot gun blast. ASHLY rushes to throw the book onto the burning logs, but CHERYL, smoldering also, gives him a backhand blow across the head, and he is sent sprawling to the floor. She grabs a fireplace poker with her crushed fingers and turns back to ASHLY who is crawl- ing toward the fireplace. When almost in reach of the book, SCOTT grabs his leg and begins to pull ASHLY back- ward. CHERYL approaches with smoke pouring from her clothes and slams ASHLY across the back with her poker. ASHLY screams. A glitter catches his eye. It is LINDA's necklace. Grabbing it, he tosses the end with a clasp toward the book. It slides off the cover. SCOTT pulls him back once more as ASHLY swings the necklace in a last desperate attempt. CHERYL raises the poker for the final blow. The necklace drapes over the book and as ASHLY is dragged, the clasp hooks the cover and pulls the book with him. With a yank, he seizes the book and tosses it upon the blaze. CHERYL and SCOTT freeze. The Book Of The Dead burns in a bluish green flame. Smoke pours from SCOTT and CHERYL as distant demonical screams are heard from the woods. The fireplace poker slips from CHERYL's hand and sticks into the wood scarcely an inch from ASHLY's head. The bodies of SCOTT and CHERYL then begin to cave inward upon themselves, collapsing to the floor in smoldering heaps. Finally, nothing is left but the burnt clothing and a blackish grey ooze on the floor where their bodies once were. The old clock begins to tick again, normally. ASHLY slowly climbs to his feet to stand above the fuming debris. Open- ing his hand, he looks down at LINDA's necklace. The force retreats from him, out the door, slowly returning to the darkness from which it emerged. Gradually, the natural sounds of the forest swell and trees lose their gloom as Autumn colors return. The first rays of sunlight gleam over the woods beyond the cabin. Daybreak has finally come.

EVIL DEAD II seventh draft by Sam Raimi and Scott Spiegel EVIL DEAD II BY Sam Raimi Scott Spiegel SEVENTH DRAFT - May 5, 1986 FADE IN: DE LAURENTIIS ENTERTAINMENT GROUP LOGO FADE OUT. FADE IN: RENAISSANCE PICTURES LOGO FADE OUT. 00 BLACKNESS 00 A sound is building. Like a living wind. A thousand screams in agony. From the blackness, gusts of smoke pull together quickly, forming the Main Title against black: "EVIL DEAD" Then beneath it, the Roman Numeral "II." A SLOW ZOOM brings it toward us. And as the screams reach their sharp crescendo the title zooms through us. FADE IN: 1 ANGLE - STOP MOTION ANIMATION 1 Whisping smoke against a black background. EERIE MUSIC. In the distance, through the smoke, a small object. It fans toward us quickly, filling the frame. It is an ancient skin covered volume, with the outline of a human face on it's cover. This is the Book of the Dead. NARRATOR Legend has it, that it was written by the dark ones: NECRONOMICON EX MORTES; Roughly translated...The Book of the Dead. The face on the cover of the book pulls away from its skin binding and leans toward the camera. EYES on the book blink open and peer at us. It's mouth opens and emits a hideous scream. The CAMERA races into the blackness of the screaming mouth. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 1P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - SMOKE 1P 2 A SPINNING VORTEX - (3 PAINTINGS ON AN ANIMATION 2 STAND) - 12 SEC. PLATE Spiraling downward. NARRATOR To trace the origin of the Book, we must go back...back...to a day when spirits ruled the earth. Wispy shapes of animated ghosts move through this vortex, coming toward the CAMERA with WAILING and MOANING and then are gone. NARRATOR When the seas ran red with blood. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 2P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - ROD PUPPET GHOSTS 2P 3 STOCK FOOTAGE - (OPTICALLY COLOR SEPARATED) 3 A raging ocean of blood. Great waves rise and swell as if before a storm. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was this blood that was used to ink the book. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 4 AN OPEN COPY OF THE BOOK OF THE DEAD - ANIMATION 4 STAND - BLUE SCREEN IN BG Through animation, the blank pages of the Book are scripted in a strange hieroglyphic by an invisible hand. Faster and faster the pages turn on the Book as the blood red ink is scrawled across them. The pages flip furiously until the Book snaps shut, reveal ing its gruesome face on the cover. The book flaps violently away from camera. NARRATOR (V.O.) The Book of the Dead was last seen in 1300 A.D. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 4A OMIT 4A 4AP OMIT 4AP 4B OMIT 4B 4C OMIT 4C 4D OMIT 4D 4P STOCK FOOTAGE - THE RIFT 4P 5 EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DUSK - 4 WARRIORS - 4 HORSES 5 CAMERA panning down to reveal a magnificent newly built castle of stone. Bright banners fly from its turrets. An ox grazes nearby. 4 Warriors on horseback in the BG. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was then that the dark spirits again rose up to battle the living. The ground in front of the castle begins to split apart. A red glow and smoke pour from the growing crevice. Something evil is being unleashed. A strong wind kicks up blowing sand in a furious rage. 5A EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DUSK 5A TRACKING SHOT - ASH Through the blowing silt, a lone figure appears. An image of power and light. His clothing is ragged, and he holds what appears to be a jagged toothed longsword. Two massive columns of stone stand on either side. CAMERA slowly moves closer, but his face is still hidden by the darkness and blowing sands. NARRATOR (V.O.) It is said that a hero came from the sky. A man who defeated this evi and buried the Book in the Castle of Kandar. And there it lay for 700 years... DISSOLVE THRU TO: 6 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY - RUINS 6 As the raging dust storm clears to reveal the same castle which we saw earlier, but now, in a ruined state. It has aged 700 years. The ox is gone. Now only its petrified skeletal remains stand in a weathered heap. NARRATOR (V.O.) ...Waiting. A four wheel drive vehicle roars PAST THE CAMERA and toward the castle. 7 INT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY - (STUDIO) 7 TRACKING SHOT The CAMERA slowly tracks in toward the Book of the Dead as it sits in the darkness of the stone tomb. Next to it rests the KANDARIAN DAGGER, an ancient knife, its handle fashioned from the skull of a weasel. They rest upon a small pedestal covered with cobwebs. Prominently displayed on the stone wall, a bas relief of the "Hero from the Sky" holding his unusual jagged edged weapon. NARRATOR (V.O.) And then... The grinding of rock scraping against rock is heard, and a large stone is swung open on a secret hinge in the wall behind the book. Wind sweeps in through the tomb, along with the blinding light from outside. A sharply silhouetted figure steps in the newly created doorway. The figure lights a torch that he holds, illuminating his face. This is PROFESSOR RAYMOND KNOWBY. An intelligent, grey bearded man in his late fifties. He lowers the cloth around his face that had been protecting him from the sand. He stares at the Book, awestruck. Behind him, two other figures appear in the entrance of the tomb. The first is a large school-marmish woman, the wife of Raymond Knowby, HENRIETTA. She moves to Raymond's side and takes his hand. Immediately behind her is their daughter, ANNIE KNOWBY; twenty-four years old, strong stance and beautiful. Behind her a handsome looking man, ED GETLY, enters the tomb. He moves to Annie's side. They exchange excited glances. The CAMERA PANS down to the Book. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 8 INT. STUDIO - BLACK 8 MED. SHOT - FOG Billowing past the camera in front of a black drape. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 9 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 9 LONG SHOT An old log cabin, built in the valley of a dark forest. A great wind billows fog about the place. NARRATOR (V.O.) Professor Raymond Knowby and his wife, HENRIETTA, brought the book to a small cabin where they could study it undisturbed. 10 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 10 Professor Raymond Knowby sits at a writing desk and transcribes passages from the Book of the Dead. A small framed photograph of his daughter Annie sits upon the table. Behind him, HENRIETTA sits knitting in a rocking chair. 11 CLOSE SHOT - RAYMOND 11 He speaks the phonetic pronunciation of completed sentences into the microphone of a tape recorder. RAYMOND Kanda...Es-trata...Ta-toon...Hazan sobar...Ear-Grets, Gat, ...Nos-feratos ...Amantos...Kanda! The sound of RAYMOND reciting the passages is faded down AS THE CAMERA SLOWLY TRACKS away from RAYMOND and over to HENRIETTA as she rocks back into the darkness and forward into the light. As she rocks forward into the light, she comes into FULL CLOSEUP revealing that her eyes have changed to a milky white. She continues to knit. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 12 INT. STUDIO - BLACK 12 MED. SHOT - FOG Blowing past the camera in front of black drape. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 13 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 13 A dank fruit cellar with shelves of half-rotten preserves. Raymond has his back to the stone wall. He is dictating into the tape recorder, sweating and distraught. RAYMOND It has only been a few hours since I've translated and spoke aloud the first of the demon resurrection passages from the Book of the Dead. The sound of heavy footsteps. Dust drifts down INTO FRAME. Raymond looks up to the ceiling of the cellar. It is also the floor to the main room of the cabin. He watches in horror as Henrietta's silhouette paces the floor above him. And then, the footsteps halt. RAYMOND And now, I fear that my wife has become host to a Kandarian demon. May God forgive me for what I have unleashed onto this earth. 13Y REVERSE ACTION 13Y The milky eyed possessed figure of HENRIETTA jolts quickly into the frame, and shrieks in the voice of a demon! Raymond Knowby screams. He drops the microphone. 13X CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER 13X As the microphone falls atop it. High pitched feed- back screams from the speaker. 13A CLOSE SHOT - RAYMOND 13A Screaming in terror. 13B CLOSER - RAYMOND 13B His fearful eyes fill the screen as the scream continues. 13C EXTREME C.U. RAYMOND'S EYE 13C Darting about wildly and the scream continues. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 14 INT. DARK TUNNEL - DAY 14 ROUNDY-ROUNDY - CAMERA MOUNTED ATOP VAN CAMERA MOVING swiftly down a dark tunnel. A light at the end growing closer. The SOUND of AIR RUSHING BY. The Delta 88 Oldsmobile comes ROARING out of the tunnel with a BLAST of AIR, and the sound of loud rock and roll music. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was one week later that a group of college students came to the cabin. 14A EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT 14A The Delta 88 Oldsmobile parked out front. Fog roars past the place. We faintly hear waltz music from within. The silhouette of a woman sweeps by the rear bedroom window. 14B INT. CABIN - REAR BEDROOM - NIGHT 14B ASH AND LINDA LINDA, an attractive college student, is waltzing in the semi darkness of the bedroom. She wears a "Michigan State University" sweatshirt. She hums melodically to the music as she moves. Around her neck is draped a delicate silver necklace. 14C MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND LINDA 14C A handsome young man, ASH, is playing the waltz music on an old wooden piano. Linda dances behind him. Ash is not a very good pianist, and can only plunk out the melody with two fingers. LINDA Ash, what's that you're playing? ASH Our song. Ash begins to play faster. 14D MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND LINDA 14D As she picks up the tempo, spinning and laughing, until finally Ash moves to her, halting her in mid spin. 14E CLOSE SHOT - LINDA 14E Out of breath, hair tousled across her eyes, she stares deeply into Ash's eyes. Her lips, parted, in a sensual manner. 14F CLOSE SHOT - ASH 14F He returns her stare, lost in her beauty. He pulls her close. LINDA Ow! 14G SHE PULLS AWAY SUDDENLY 14G And looks down to the tiny silver necklace that she wears about her neck. 14H CLOSE SHOT - NECKLACE 14H In its center is a magnifying glass. 14I MEDIUM SHOT - LINDA AND ASH - TULIP CRANE 14I She looks from the necklace to Ash. LINDA I really love it. I'll never take it off. They kiss and now begin to dance together, to the haunting waltz melody that sweeps up upon the soundtrack. DISSOLVE THRU TO: NARRATOR (V.O.) It was in the cabin's cellar that they found the Professor's tape recorder, and the Book of the Dead. 14J INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 14J CAMERA tracks in toward the trap door. It opens by itself as we move down the steps into the blackness. 15 MEDIUM SHOT - INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 15 The CAMERA pans down from the blackness to Ash who finds a shotgun, Raymond Knowby's tape recorder, tapes, the Kandarian dagger and... 16 CLOSE SHOT 16 ...the shattered photograph of Annie Knowby and the Book of the Dead. 17 LONG SHOT - INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM 17 The group of students sit about the fire as they listen to the tape recorder. Coming from the speaker is the voice of Raymond Knowby reciting the demon resurrection passage. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (on tape) Kan Da, Es-trata ta-toon hazan sobar ...Ear-Grets, Gat... 18 MEDIUM SHOT 18 Linda takes Ash's hand. She's frightened. Ash smiles to comfort her. She nervously fingers the silver locket she wears about her neck. 19 CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER 19 PROFESSOR KNOWBY (on tape) ...Nos-Feratos...Amantos...Kanda! 20 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 20 The cabin is in the distance. In the foreground the earth begins to swell, then rips apart as a red glow emanates from beneath. Something evil is being unleashed. NARRATOR (V.O.) One by one, they fell to the possession of the dark spirits. 21 OMIT 21 22 EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA Her eyes pop open. They are bone white. She has fallen to the possession. 22A EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22A ASH AND LINDA Possessed Linda is coming after Ash. Ash back peddles, stumbles and falls. 22B ANGLE - ASH ON GROUND 22B As the Shadow of approaching Linda envelops Ash, he picks up a shovel from the ground. 22C LINDA LEAPS OVER THE CAMERA, TOWARD HIM. 22C 22D LINDA DUMMY 22D Ash swings the shovel, slicing off Linda's head. 22D1 LINDA'S DUMMY HEAD - ON WIRE 22D1 22E ANGLE 22E Linda's head rolls down the hillside and disappears into the darkness. 22F EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22F ASH AND LINDA Ash buries Linda's headless body. He jams a crude wooden burial cross into the earth of the grave. A bolt of lightning strikes. 22G HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD/CABIN - NIGHT - LONG SHOT - ASH 22G As he runs from the grave site and toward the cabin. 23 OMIT 23 24 OMIT 24 25 OMIT 25 26 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 26 NARRATOR (V.O) One man, Ash, destroyed the Book. Ash enters the cabin. He sees The Book of the Dead and tosses it onto the flames. 27 CLOSE SHOT - MELTDOWN - MAIN ROOM (STUDIO) 27 STOP MOTION ANIMATION A possessed demon begins to wither and melt. Flesh shrinks away from its skull and dissolves to nothing. NARRATOR (V.O.) But the evil that had been resurrected from it, lives on. 28 CLOSE SHOT - BOOK IN FIREPLACE 28 STOP MOTION ANIMATION The Book of the Dead is burned to cinders. The face upon the Book screams as it burns. 29 OMIT 29 29A INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - HIGH SHOT 29A Ash picks himself up from the floor. 29B INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM 29B Ash stands and clutches the necklace of Linda, in sorrow for his loss of her. 29C EXT. CABIN - DAWN - LONG SHOT 29C Ash staggers from the cabin. FADE OUT. 30 OMIT 30 31 EXT. CABIN - DAWN - RECREATION OF THE 31 FINAL SHOT OF EVIL DEAD I We are racing forward. We have taken the POV of an EVIL ENTITY as it glides with dark purpose through a section of woods. It approaches the rear door of the cabin. The door is torn violently open. The next door falls away from us. We approach the front door. SLAM! It jigsaws in two and we are again outside, now in front of the cabin. Ash is seen in the distance. He is staggering away, his back to us as we race at him. He turns suddenly towards CAMERA and screams. 32 EXT. WOODS - DAWN 32 INTERVOLOMETER STOP MOTION/CRANE - SAM-O-CAM The final shot of Evil Dead I has a new ending; an extension. Ash is caught by an invisible grip. "G" force is distorting Ash's face as he is rocketed backwards. He is swept hand over foot through the air. He reaches the edge of the woods and begins tearing through the branches and smaller trees, clearing a path with his body. He finally slams into a large ungiving tree trunk and he is knocked unconscious. 33 WIDE SHOT - LOOKING UPWARD - ASH - DUMMY - DAWN 33 As he falls from the tree branch and plummets towards the earth. 34 ASH'S POV - (CRANING DOWNWARD) - UNDERCRANKED - DAWN 34 A puddle of mud below, which rushes up upon us quickly. 35 MED. SHOT - MUD PUDDLE - ASH 35 As his head splashes down into the muddy water. 36 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - DAWN 36 He lifts his face from the mud, and turns toward us. His eyes have gone white. His skin is now a pale color, his lips, jet black. He is Possessed. A bright edge of morning sunlight moves across his face. He turns his beastly face skyward. 37 EXT. RIDGE - DAY (STUDIO) - MATTE PAINTING 37 LONG SHOT - THE SUN (Miniature) Rising over a mountain ridge. Sunlight streaming through a gaping hole in the parting clouds, in bright shafts. It pours through the trees. 38 MED. SHOT - THE SUN - MATTE PAINTING - MINIATURE 38 Closer on the sun as it looms larger and brighter. 39 CLOSE SHOT - THE SUN - MATTE PAINTING - MINIATURE 39 The frame is filled with the rising sun. 40 EXT. WOODS - DAWN - CLOSE SHOT - ASH - MUD PUDDLE 40 The bright edge of morning sunlight spreading across his face, he lets loose a demonic death shriek. 41 EXT. WOODS - DAY - (STUDIO) 41 EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FACE (STUDIO) DUMMY HEAD - LIQUID EYE CHAMBER - MINIATURE The white in Ash's eyes swirls about, and his pupils change back to their original brown color. 41A EXT. WOODS - DAWN 41A Ash, no longer possessed, collapses into the mud puddle, unconscious. 41B EXT. WOODS - DAY - REVERSE ACTION - FOG - 3 ANGLES 41B Streams of morning sunlight pierce the darkness of the woods. We hear the shriek of demons. The sound of SIZZLING. A great wind blows back fog into the darker sections of the woods. The scene grows brighter and the peaceful sounds of morning are faded up. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 42 EXT. WOODS - DAY 42 WIDE SHOT - ASH As he lies unconscious. Time passes. 43 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - CRANE - UNDERCRANKED 43 His eyes open. They stare blankly up at the sky. Then fear registers and we CRANE BACK QUICKLY, revealing a vast area of empty woods around Ash. 44 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 44 He sits up slowly into frame, looking fearfully about. 45 ASH'S POV 45 Panning the battered cabin and sections of the woods. All is peaceful. The sound of birds tweeting. 46 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 46 ASH (V.O.) It's gone. He looks up to the sky. 47 EXT. RIDGE - DAY - (STUDIO) - MATTE PAINTING 47 LONG SHOT - THE SUN - LATE AFTERNOON Just above the horizon. ASH Sun's driven it away... for now. Gotta get the hell out of here... before night falls. 48 OMIT 48 49 OMIT 49 50 OMIT 50 51 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 51 As he nods to himself, then suddenly glances up beyond the CAMERA. 52 EXT. CABIN - DAY - MITCHELL CAMERA 52 ASH'S POV - THE CABIN A perfectly normal log cabin with one exception; superimposed over the front of the place is... 52P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - (BLACK STUDIO) 52P MITCHELL CAMERA A hideous human skull with living eyeballs that stare out at us with evil malice. The eyes stare out from the two dark windows. The dark nose area is the open doorway, and the rotted teeth of the skull are the whitewashed stones placed at the foot of the cabin. Then it fades, leaving only the cabin. 53 EXT. WOODS - DAY - WIND FAN 53 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - MUD PUDDLE He shudders uncontrollably as he picks himself up from the mud. Ash MOVES INTO A CLOSE UP. His eyes shift back and forth like a trapped animal as he looks about for a means of escape. He spots something. 54 EXT. CABIN - DAY - ASH'S POV 54 THE DELTA 88 OLDSMOBILE Parked in front of the cabin. 55 EXT. WOODS - DAY 55 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He shifts his glance from the car to the road. 56 EXT. ROAD - DRIVEWAY TO CABIN - DAY 56 A narrow dirt road cutting through the woods. Then, the Delta 88 roars down it, and past the CAMERA. It kicks up dust and gravel. 57 INT. DELTA 88 - DAY 57 (CAR MOUNT) Ash is driving. He wipes the mud and blood from his face with a rag. As he pulls the rag away, his face forms a sudden look of horror as he sees: 58 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY (STUDIO MINIATURE W/BACKDROP) 58 CAR'S POV - TRACKING SHOT - STOP MOTION ANIMATION A GIANT STEEL HAND LOOMS towards us. It is the twisted remains of the steel and wood bridge that crossed a great mountain chasm. A LOUD SCREECH of brakes is heard on the soundtrack on this cut. 59 EXT. BRIDGE SIDE I - DAY 59 MEDIUM SHOT - DELTA 88 - PARTIAL BRIDGE SET As it pulls to a halt. Ash steps quietly from the car. He looks at the bridge. 60 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY (STUDIO MINIATURE W/BACKDROP) 60 ASH'S POV - BRIDGE A sign hangs from the twisted girders. It reads: "DANGEROUS BRIDGE - 2 TON WEIGHT LIMIT - CROSS AT OWN RISK." Beyond this we see the twisted remnants of the former bridge and the rock cliffs far away on the other side. 60A EXT. BRIDGE SIDE I - DAY - MITCHELL CAMERA 60A FROM RAVINE, LOOKING UPWARD AT ASH AND DELTA (5 FRAMINGS) Ash gapes at the uncrossable chasm. 60AP TWO CLIFF EDGES - (STUDIO) - MINIATURE 60AP 61 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY 61 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He is stunned at the sight. His only escape, gone. He looks from the bridge to the West. 62P1 PLATE FOR FOLLOWING SCENE 62P1 ASH'S POV - LONG SHOT - MOUNTAIN RIDGE - INTERVOLOMETER The sun is now resting on the horizon. Lower than it was before. It is BLOOD RED, and sets in the course of seven seconds. 62 INT. STUDIO (BLUE SCREEN) 62 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - PULLING BACK To reveal Ash as he looks from the sunset, to the ruined bridge, to the road behind him. He moves in halting steps, not knowing which way to turn. Ash opens his mouth, draws in his breath, and just as he begins to scream, we CUT TO: 62P2 OMIT 62P2 63 EXT. BRIDGE - TWILIGHT - POV OF EVIL FORCE 63 3 CAMERAS - BREAKAWAY TREES As it rises up from what appears to be the mountain chasm and reveals the opposite side of the twisted girders which form the "Giant Hand." It spots Ash immediately beyond. It moves swiftly towaad him. Ash looks up, sensing the evil and darts into the Delta 88. The FORCE moves through the twisted girders, pushing them away violently and races towaad the car. The Delta starts up and peels off. The Evil Force just misses it. The car doesn't have the room to complete the one hundred and eighty degree turn necessary to head back down the road the way it originally came, and is forced into a line of break- away trees which explode into sawdust as the front of the Delta 88 rips through them. The car swerves onto the road, headed back toward the cabin. 64 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT 64 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - CAR MOUNT As the broken bits of tree slam against his windshield. 65 CLOSE SHOT - CAR RADIO/TAPE DECK 65 As the channel switches suddenly to the hard rock song "Journey to the Center of Your Mind" which blares within the car throughout the chase to follow. 66 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT 66 POV - EVIL FORCE - UNDERCRANKED As it gives chase to the Delta. 67 TRACKING SHOT - DELTA - DRAGWAY - UNDERCRANKED - ATV 67 Alongside the car as it barrels along the wooded road. 68 EXT. DRAGWAY - NIGHT 68 TRACKING SHOT - DELTA - UNDERCRANKED - ATV As he drives this wild course. 69 POV - EVIL FORCE - UNDERCRANKED 69 As it begins to gain on the speeding automobile. 70 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT - UNDERCRANKED 70 OVER ASH'S SHOULDER Looking through the windshield, as branches beat and smash themselves against the windshield, obscuring our vision of the "Road" ahead. Our view suddenly clears, revealing a large tree that looms directly ahead. 71 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 71 Swerving the wheel. 72 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 72 ANGLE - DELTA - UNDERCRANKED It swerves and slams into a rotted tree, stopping it dead. 73 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT 73 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - UNDERCRANKED As he is rocketed forward from his seat. 74 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 74 ANGLE - FRONT OF DELTA - DUMMY OF ASH As Ash comes ripping through the windshield and past the CAMERA. 74A ASH'S POV 74A As he approaches the ground with a great velocity. 74B MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 74B As he slams into the earth with a rain of glass. He moans and gets to his feet. 75 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 75 POV - EVIL FORCE - BREAKAWAY TREES As it sweeps down out of the woods, pushing over trees, and approaches the Delta. Steam pours from the hood of the car. 76 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 76 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he runs. His face is cut and bleeding. 76A ANGLE - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 76A As he runs toward the cabin. (Actually he is running in place in the rear of a camera car that is slowly backing away from the cabin.) The more he runs, the farther away from the cabin he gets. 77 POV - EVIL FORCE 77 IMO CAMERA MOUNTED ON LONG POLE AND TRUCK - 3 DELTAS "RAM-O-CAM" It approaches the rear of the Delta, rips through the back window, moves through the car's interior, music still blasting, and bursts out the remains of the front windshield. We move through the steam of the radiator and approach Ash as he runs for the cabin. 78 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 78 As he runs toward the cabin not making much progress as though caught running in a nightmare. He shakes his head "No." 78A CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET AS THEY RUN 78A 79 ANGLE - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 79 Now closer to the cabin. (Again, Ash is running in place in the camera car as it slowly backs away from the cabin.) 80 POV - EVIL FORCE 80 Now quickly gaining its lost ground. Just a few feet behind Ash. 81 EXT. CABIN - LOCATION 81 SIDE SHOT - ASH As he runs up the porch steps to the cabin. 82 EXT./INT. CABIN - LOCATION 82 POV - EVIL FORCE We race into the cabin, splintering the hall door which Ash had swung shut. Ash retreats into the rear hallway, and swings the hallway door shut. We race right up to the door and it shatters into many pieces as we glide forward. 83 INT. CABIN - STUDIO - "MAZE SHOT" - FORCE POV 83 Camera moves through the main room and up to the Hallway door. It shatters in front of us. We close in on Ash as he races down the hallway. We lose him as he swings into the back bedroom of the cabin and slams the door behind him. We rip through this door and enter the rear bedroom, only to see Ash scrambling for the door to the middle bedroom, which we approach and he swings shut in our face. We rip through to reveal Ash scurrying into the Hallway. We follow him through the bathroom, the maze, and back out into the Hallway. We round the corner after him and see that Ash has led us into the main room, but there is not a trace of him. We look about for him, but he is gone. The hallway is bare except for a few dry leaves. 84 INT./EXT. CABIN - LOCATION - POV EVIL FORCE 84 The force begins to pull back with an ever-increasing speed, out the front door of the cabin, and deep into the blackness of the woods. 85 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 85 A static shot of the fireplace. All is quiet. Smoke from the near dead fire wafts up the chimney. We hold on this for a moment. 85A ANGLE - MIDDLE BEDROOM CLOSET - NIGHT 85A A static shot of a closet with it's door half open. The door begins to swing slightly open, revealing a rack of clothes inside. We hold on this for a moment. 85B ANGLE - CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT 85B A writing desk with some papers atop it. They begin to tremble and finally blow away from the light breeze that sweeps through the cabin. The CAMERA PANS down from this desk to reveal a trap door in the floor of the main room. The trap door to the cellar. It is raised up on its hinge an inch or so and in that slight space between the trap door and the floor we see Ash's eyes, looking cautiously about. He breathes a sigh of relief. 86 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 86 The cabin in the distance. Fog rolls past. 87-128 OMIT 87-128 128 A,B,C OMIT 128 A,B,C 129-143 OMIT 129-143 143 A-F OMIT 143 A-F 143FP OMIT 143FP 144-149 OMIT 144-149 149A-J OMIT 149A-J 149K EXT. AIRSTRIP - NIGHT - LONGSHOT - ED 149K Ed Getly stands in the FG and watches as an older style twin engine cargo plane flies over the camera and lands. 149L AIRSTRIP - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - PASSENGERS 149L The airplane rolls to a halt. A man wearing a jumpsuit ties the airplane off and blocks the wheels while a redcap opens the hatch and helps out Annie Knowby. She carries a glass case in her hand as she moves toward us. Behind her five other passengers emerge from the Plane. Ed approaches Annie. ED Annie! ANNIE (smiling at sight of him) Hi. They embrace and kiss. ED How'd everything go on the expedition? ANNIE Terrific. I found the additional pages from the Book of the Dead. ED So you said in the telegram. What condition are they in? She holds out the glass case for Ed to look at. 149M CLOSE SHOT - GLASS CASE 149M Inside are 12 pages from the Book of the Dead. 149N AIRSTRIP - NIGHT 149N TRACKING SHOT - ED AND ANNIE - THEY CONTINUE WALKING ED Haven't aged a day in three thousand years. ANNIE Maybe longer. ED When do we begin the translations? ANNIE Tonight. Is everything all set with my father? ED Should be, but I haven't spoken to him in a week, what with no phone in that cabin. Take us about an hour to get there. They arrive at the parking lot. Two new, sharp looking cheverolets and Ed's old style cheverolet. ED We'll take my car. Ed opens the car trunk. Behind him a redcap pulls up a large steamer trunk on a hand dolly. Ed and the redcap hoist the steamer up into the car's trunk. ED Annie, you hinted in your telegram that your father was on to something with the first part of his translations. What's the big mystery? What has he found in The Book of the Dead? ANNIE Maybe nothing. But just possibly... the doorway to another world? Annie slams the car trunk. 149O OMIT 149O 150 OMIT 150 151 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - W/ ASH - NIGHT 151 CHEVROLET CAR TRUNK CAMERA has taken the POV of the evil force as it glides eerily through the woods, around trees and over rotted stumps. It moves over a rise revealing a clear view of the boarded cabin in the distance. It approaches. It moves to the window, and peering through the cracks in the boards we see Ash asleep in the rocking chair. 152 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 152 Camera begins on hammer, nails, and planking which lay upon the cabin floor. Camera pans to window #1. It is boarded up tight. Camera pans to door. It is repaired. Camera pans to Ash who sleeps in the rocking chair in front of another boarded window. Ash awakens suddenly, sensing something, the shotgun clutched in his lap. He lifts his head and turns to a whispering musical sound. Harp like music. It is coming from the back bedroom of the cabin. 153 MAIN ROOM/MIDDLE ROOM/REAR BEDROOM 153 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he stands and moves cautiously towards the rear bedroom. 154 ASH'S POV - MIDDLE ROOM AND REAR BEDROOM 154 As he approaches the rear bedroom, the music grows louder. As he enters the room he halts his gaze on the old wooden piano. 155 INT. CABIN/REAR BEDROOM - NIGHT 155 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he moves to the piano. The sound is coming from within. Suddenly, the piano begins to play by itself; Ash draws back from it. It plays a waltz. Now the piano music mixing with the harp-like strings. The radiator next to the piano begins to release bursts of musical steam, adding a wind section to this strange orchestra. 156 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 156 As he listens to this haunting version of a waltz melody. He recognizes the music. It is the same music that Ash had played earlier, when Linda was dancing. 157 CLOSE SHOT - PIANO AND RADIATOR 157 As steam spouts from the radiator pipes. As the piano keys depress and release themselves. The melody grows louder. 158 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 158 As he lowers his head. His horror gives way to sadness. From his pocket he removes Linda's delicate silver locket that dangles from the end of a chain. In the locket's center is a magnifying glass. He stares mournfully into the glass. BANG! He looks up sharply toward the main room. 159 OMIT 159 159P1 OMIT 159P1 159P2 OMIT 159P2 159P3 OMIT 159P3 160 OMIT 160 161 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 161 ASH'S POV - SHUTTERS As they rip open, splintering Ash's reinforcements. Wind sweeps in through the place as the curtains flutter wildly. Through the window is a sweeping fog. 162 INT. CABIN MIDDLE ROOM - NIGHT 162 Ash runs through this room and into the main room. He moves to the window and looks out. Wind blowing on his face from outside. 163 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 163 ASH'S POV - THE GRAVEYARD A stark wooden cross marks Linda's lonely grave. 164 OMIT 164 165 OMIT 165 166 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 166 LONG SHOT - CABIN IN DISTANCE - STOP MOTION ANIMATION The tiny figure of Ash can be seen looking off toward this hill. In the foreground is a crude burial cross and a mound of earth. The earth begins to crack and splinter. The wooden cross caves in and is swallowed as the headless corpse of Linda pulls itself to its feet. The HAUNTING WALTZ MELODY sweeps through the night air. 166P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 166P ASH IN WINDOW - MITCHELL CAMERA 167 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 167 CLOSE SHOT - THROUGH THE WINDOW - ASH His eyes, illuminated by a shaft of light, widen in amazement and horror as... 168 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (STUDIO) 168 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) - 3 ANGLES The WALTZ MELODY fills the sound track, and the rotting corpse that was Linda begins to dance, bending and swaying as she sweeps gracefully through the evening fog. A waltz of the dead. The style of dance begins to change. It becomes more primitive. The music changes to a more primal beat. The dance becomes sexually oriented. Erotic, with sharp pelvic thrusts and gyrating hip motions. 168P 3 PLATES FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 168P EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - FOG/WIND FAN 169 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 169 CLOSE SHOT - THRU THE WINDOW - ASH Lost in the horrific beauty, he turns his head to a rumbling sound. 170 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - (REVERSE ACTION) 170 ASH'S POV Linda's DECAPITATED HEAD rolls across the ground and up the hillside graveyard. 171 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (STUDIO) 171 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) LINDA'S HEAD 3 ANGLES As it leaps through the air and gracefully situates itself atop Linda's neck, she begins to spin, yet her head remains in place, never taking her eyes from Ash. With a sensual twirl and leap, she disappears into the evening mists. 171P 3 PLATES FOR PRECEDING SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 171P EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - FOG W/WIND 172 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 172 CLOSE SHOT - THRU WINDOW - ASH His eyes dart about, trying to catch another glimpse of Linda through the fog. 173 EXT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 173 ASH'S POV - THRU WINDOW Linda swings sharply into frame, completing the spin of her dance immediately in front of Ash as the music abruptly halts. LINDA DANCE WITH ME! Linda extends her dead arms towards Ash. 174 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 174 He screams as... 175 EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 175 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S CORPSE (OVERCRANKED) Linda's head rolls off of her neck and tumbles through space. 176 INT. BLACK STUDIO - NIGHT 176 LINDA'S HEAD - ON WIRE As it tumbles through a void of blackness, falling. 177 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 177 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he screams himself awake. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal him sitting in the rocking chair. Ash halts his scream, getting control of himself. He looks to the window that had blown open. 178 ASH'S POV - THE BOARDED WINDOW 178 Still boarded as though it had never been opened. 179 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 179 Reassuring himself. ASH That's all. Just a crummy dr- Linda's decapitated head falls into frame and lands in Ash's hands. 180 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 180 It opens its eyes and looks to Ash. LINDA'S HEAD Hello lover, I came from the other side of your dream to dance with you. 181 CLOSER SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD (BACKWARD MOTION) 181 A four foot long blackened tongue emerges from her mouth like a lashing serpent. 182 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - (BACKWARD MOTION) 182 The tongue enters Ash's frame and forces itself into Ash's mouth. Screaming as he clutches at the head of his former love. The tongue instantly retracts inside her head. 183 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 183 As it bites deeply into Ash's right hand, drawing blood. 183A MED SHOT - ASH AND LINDA'S DUMMV HEAD 183A Ash stands and rushes across the room screaming, as he tries to rid himself of the head. 183 B-L OMIT 183 B-L 184 OMIT 184 185 OMIT 185 185A OMIT 185A 186 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - ASH AND DUMMY HEAD - LONG SHOT 186 As Ash staggers painfully around the side of the cabin and towards the work shed; Linda's head still clamped to his hand. 187 INT. WORK SHED - NIGHT - LINDA DUMMY HEAD - ASH 187 The door to the place is kicked open, revealing Ash and Linda's head on the end of his hand. It is a room full of sawdust, chains and power tools. Old bones hang from the walls. 187A MEDIUM SHOT - INT. WORK SHED - ASH 187A As he places Linda's head within the vice and tightens it around her, then withdraws his hand. LINDA'S HEAD Even now we have your darling Linda's soul! She suffers in torment! 187B CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 187B As it rips away an old tarp revealing the chalk outline of where a chainsaw once was. 187C CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HEADLESS LINDA BODY 187C Confused. Wondering what has happened to the chainsaw. Behind him, the door to the shed bursts open and in comes the flailing, headless, body of Linda, charging at Ash with the chainsaw buzzing high above her head. Ash is screaming. 187D MEDIUM SHOT 187D Ash grabs a large crowbar and swings it toward the approaching blade. 187E CLOSE SHOT 187E The crowbar hits the bottom of the blade with a shower of sparks, sending the buzzing saw flipping backward. 187F MEDIUM SHOT - HEADLESS LINDA DUMMY - 3 ANGLES 187F The blade of the chainsaw swings upward and arcs back into headless Linda, imbedding itself in her neck. She goes nuts as the chainsaw bites its way into her chest cavity. She spins wildly about the room knocking into shelves as she tries to pull the blade free. She slams against the wall of the shed, and slumps to the floor, the chainsaw still buzzing. 187G MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187G As he is splattered with black bile. He reaches down. 187H MEDIUM SHOT - HEADLESS LINDA 187H As Ash dislodges the spinning chainsaw from her. 187I MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187I As he swings the chainsaw around and poises it above Linda's head. 187J WIDE SHOT - ASH AND LINDA'S HEAD IN VICE 187J From the chainsaw, fumes of blue amoke. Ash turns to the head and falters. 187K CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD IN VICE 187K She is no longer possessed. She looks as she did earlier in the film. A vision of beAuty. She is again Linda, the woman Ash loved. Tears roll down from her eyes. LINDA Please Ash, help me. I love you, please don't hurt me. 187L CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187L Trying to fight his feelings, he knows what he must do. He pumps the throttle on the saw. 187M CLOSE SHOT - LINDA 187M Pleading with him. LINDA You promised me we'd always be together. You swore to me! 187N CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187N Agonized. ASH NO! 187O CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 187O Once again fully possessed, and speaking in the voice of the demon. Her eyes again white, her flesh, rotten. LINDA'S HEAD YES! YOU LIED TO HER! YOU LIED TO LINDA! YOUR LOVE WAS A LIE! AND NOW SHE BURNS IN HELL! 187P EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S DUMMY HEAD 187P She opens her mouth and emits a jet stream of bile. 187Q CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187Q As he's drenched in the face. Linda begins to laugh at him in a wild, high pitched squeal. He gains control of himself and steadies the saw. ASH Eat chainsaw. He brings down the spinning blade. And moves past the CAMERA and towards the head. We are left looking at the wall of the work shed upon which we see the stark shadow of the ghastly deed. We hear the sound of spinning steel meeting bone and the screams of a demon. 187R CLOSE SHOT - LIGHT BULB 187R As it is splattered with blood. 187S MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187S Ash stumbles back into frame and falls against the wall, now lit in crimson. He looks at the off screen carnage in terror. He begins to shake as though in shock. He trembles as he looks down at his hands; they are covered in Linda's blood. He wipes his hands on his pants and shirt, trying to rid himself of it, but only succeeds in painting himself with the stuff. Ash screams a wild scream of fear and despair. It echoes off into the night. 188 CRANE SHOT - EXT. WORK SHED - NIGHT 188 Ash in a confused state as he staggers from the work shed and towards the cabin. Again clutching the chainsaw. 189 INT. CABIN REAR DOORWAY - NIGHT 189 Ash enters through the doorway. He pushes the door shut behind him and halts. We hear a creaking sound. It is coming from the main room of the cabin. He moves in the direction of the sound. 189A ASH'S POV - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 189A TRACKING SLOWLY FORWARD Curtains flutter on the partially boarded windows of the hall. Ash moves slowly past them and towards the main room ahead. The gentle creaking sound grows louder. Ash tosses down the saw and picks up the gun. 189B INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 189B Ash enters from the hallway and turns his head to the sound. 189C MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - ASH'S POV - THE ROCKING CHAIR 189C It rocks back and forth with a definitive motion, halting for a moment at it's pints furthest forward and backward, as if some invisible thing was sitting there and rocking. 189D CLOSE SHOT - ASH 189D He slowly approaches the chair, scared shitless. 189E MEDIUM SHOT - FROM BEHIND THE ROCKING CHAIR 189E The chair rocks in and out of frame in the foreground as Ash takes halting steps towards it. Ash gathers his courage and reaches out his hand to halt the rocking motion. Slowly his hand approaches the chair. Just as his hand goes to touch it, the chair abruptly halts, on its own accord. 190 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 190 In a confused state as he backs away from the chair and into the wall. He turns and comes face to face with himself in a hanging framed mirror. He clutches at his face, trying to reassure himself of his sanity. ASH I'm fine... I'm fine... 191 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM/MIRROR ROOM - NIGHT 191 MEDIUM SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - ASH AND REFLECTION Ash's reflection becomes an independent entity. It reaches out of the mirror and grabs ahold of Ash by his throat. The reflection looks like a Mr. Hyde version of Ash. Sweating and nasty looking. 192 SIDE SHOT - SPLIT SCREEN - ASH AND REFLECTION 192 MITCHELL CAMERA (ASH AS MR. HYDE) The reflection pulls Ash close and speaks to him in an intimate whisper. REFLECTION I don't think we're "fine". We're losing it... starting to slip. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound fine? The reflection tightens its hold on Ash's throat and begins to strangle him. 192P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 192P INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT ASH - MITCHELL CAMERA 193 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - DOLLY 193 Two hands in the bottom of frame, throttling him. CAMERA races back to reveal Ash's own hands on his throat. There is no sign of Ash's evil reflection. Ash has been strangling himself. He realizes this the same moment we do. He quickly pulls his hands away, looks at them incredulously, then to the mirror. 194 OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - INTO MIRROR 194 His reflection is as it should be. 195 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 195 He looks back down to his hands. 196 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 196 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S RIGHT HAND - DUMMY HAND INTERVOLOMETER The bite marks that Linda's teeth have left in the hand stand out sharply. The wound suddenly blackens and spiderwebs it's infection across the entire surface of the hand. 197 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 197 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HAND IN FOREBROUND - MAKE UP BLADDER EFX The hand quivers and shakes, now out of Ash's control. The hand has taken a whitish cast. It's veins throb and pulsate. It is possessed by the evil force. The hand's fingernails grow inches. The wound oozes black fluid. Ash is repulsed. 198 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 198 Ash's demon hand makes a lunge at his face which is countered by his good hand. 199 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 199 He slams the hand to the cabin floor. He screams to the air: ASH You bastards. Give me back my hand. 200 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 200 Wind and fog swirl about the place. Ash's ECHOING SCREAM is heard above the HOWLING GALE. ASH (0.S.) Give me back my hand!! 201 OMIT 201 201A OMIT 201A 201B OMIT 201B 201C OMIT 201C 202 OMIT 202 203 OMIT 203 204 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT 204 Ash rushes into the kitchen and places his hand in the sink. He turns on the faucet. 205 INT. CABIN KITCHEN - NIGHT 205 Cool water runs over Ash's burned hand. Ash rests his head on the kitchen counter and mumbles reassurances to himself. ASH Can't... can't be happening. 206 CLOSE SHOT - THE HAND 206 As the water pours over it. It grabs a plate sitting in the dishwater and reaches up silently out of the sink. 207 MEDIUM SHOT 207 The plate is shattered over Ash's head. The hand grabs Ash's hair and mercilessly slams his head down upon the kitchen counter again and again. Ash punches himself in the face and is sent reeling backwards. He smashes into a cupboard where dishes and plates fall upon him. 208 CLOSE SHOT 208 The hand picks up plates and begins breaking them over Ash's head. Then a bottle. 209 MEDIUM SHOT 209 Ash is knocked unconscious. The hand continues breaking objects over his head. Ash lies unmoving, but still alive. 210 CLOSE SHOT 210 The hand stops as though it senses something. The CAMERA PANS to a large meat cleaver which lies upon the wooden floor. 211 MEDIUM SHOT 211 The hand as it independently crawls towards the meat cleaver. The hand is stopped when it runs out of arm, now anchored by Ash's unconscious body. 212 CLOSE-SHOT - HAND 212 It digs its nails deep into the floorboards and begins to pull... 213 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 213 ... as he is pulled along the kitchen floor. 214 CLOSE SHOT - HAND - GELETIN HAND 214 As it pulls Ash's unconscious body along after it. The hand clutches the meat cleaver when a large knife comes slicing through the demon hand, pinning it to the floorboards. CAMERA pulls over to reveal a revived Ash. ASH Who's laughing now? 214A ANGLE - ASH - COMEDY KNIFE RIG 214A He reaches over with his good hand and pulls a fire engine red chainsaw down from the shelf. He holds the body of the machine between his legs and, with his good hand, pulls the starter cord. The CHAINSAW ROARS to life. The CAMERA TRACKS IN to Ash's sweating face. ASH Who's laughing now!? He lowers the spinning blade of the chainsaw down out of frame and toward the evil hand. Blood flies up into frame. 215 OMIT 215 216 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 216 LONG SHOT We hear the BUZZING of the CHAINSAW as it slices through bone and then falls silent. 217 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT (SIDE II) 217 CRANE The CAMERA cranes down as Annie's car approaches from the distance. It pulls to a halt. Ed and Annie step from the car. 218 ANNIE'S POV 218 A red tow truck with its orange lights flashing is parked there. Painted on it's side is "Jake's Gas N' Go." Jake, a toothless, backwoods, greasemonkey is setting up flares and wooden roadblocks. Annie and Ed approach. ANNIE Excuse me. This the road to the Knowby's cabin? JAKE Thas' right. But you ain't goin' there. ANNIE And why not? 219 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 219 As he reaches in his truck to pull on the headlights. 220 CLOSE SHOT - TRUCK HEADLIGHTS 220 As they snap on. 221 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE, ANNIE, AND ED 221 All stand in the bright glare of the lights as the fog swirls about them. Annie and Ed gape in frightened wonder at what they see. 222 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT - (SIDE II) - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 222 THEIR POV - TABLE TOP MODEL GIRDERS The piercing beams of light illuminate twisted remnants of the destroyed bridge that leads to the cabin. A road sign, similar to the one on the other side of the bridge reads: "Dangerous Bridge - Two Ton Weight Limit". 223 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT - (SIDE II) 223 CLOSE SHOT - ED AND ANNIE Frightened as they view the wreckage. ANNIE What happened? JAKE Lady, I ain't never seen nothin' like it. ED Terrific. Now what? ANNIE There must be another way in. Another road or something. 224 JAKE, BOBBY JOE, ANNIE AND ED - TWO CAMERAS 224 BOBBY JOE Sure ain't no, road. CAMERA pans over to reveal a brassy southern spitfire of a woman, Bobby Joe. BOBBY JOE Hell you wanna go there for, anyway? Bobby Joe takes a pinch of chewing tobacco and stuffs it into her mouth. She doesn't like Annie and her fancy clothes. She stares at Annie like a cat. 224X MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ED 224X Annie steps forward. She eyes Bobby Joe. ANNIE None of your business. 224Y CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224Y He feigns surprise and pleasantness. JAKE Hey! I just remembered... Yeah, that's right... There is a trail. You could follow Bobby Joe and me. ED That sounds all right. JAKE But, it'll cost ya. ANNIE How much? JAKE Forty Fi... 224A ANGLE 224A Jake looks up suddenly at Bobby Joe who gives a sharp shake of her head. JAKE Hundred bucks. 224B CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 224B ANNIE Tell you what. You take my bags you got a deal. 224C CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224C He glances through the window of Annie's car. 224D JAKE'S POV 224D The tiny case containing the missing pages of the Book of the Dead, and a small handbag. 224E CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224E Looking back to Annie, a big smile on his near toothless face. JAKE Sure! 225 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 225 A hiking trail winds through the woods. Bobby Joe leads the way with flashlight in hand. She pockets some bills. She is followed by Annie and Ed who carry the glass case containing the missing pages and the handbag. A grunting and sweating Jake brings up the rear, the large steamer trunk on his back. He is cursing under his breath. JAKE Jesus H. Christ! I thought she was talkin' 'bout them two goddamn little pieces! 226 OMIT 226 227 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 227 The wind rushes fog about the place with a fury. A large moon hangs in the night sky. 228 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 228 CLOSE SHOT - EVIL HAND No longer attached to Ash's arm, it still writhes about beneath Ash's foot which pins it to the floor. 229 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - HAND'S POV - EYEMO W/ MOUNT 229 As he grabs the steel wastebasket, dumps out the trash lowers it quickly over the CAMERA, trapping the hand within. 230 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 230 With a note of finality, Ash slams down a pile of books atop the overturned wastecan, to anchor it. The top book's title reads "Farewell to Arms". 231 FIREPLACE 231 Ash raises a red hot fireplace shovel that had been resting upon the coals. He grits his teeth. 232 ANGLE 232 Just out of frame, Ash thrusts the glowing shovel against the stump to cauterize the wound. Red steam hisses up into frame as Ash screams. 233 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 233 He tosses aside the shovel and douses his smoldering stump into a vase of fresh flowers. 234 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 234 Unspooling a roll of duct tape. 235 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 235 He tapes the tablecloth into a makeshift bandage about his wrist. Behind him, the wastebasket silently slides across the floor. 236 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 236 "CLANG"! He turns to see. 237 CLOSE SHOT - THE WASTEBASKET 237 Upon its side. The Evil Hand is gone. 237A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 237A He turns to a "pitter patter" sound. 238 OMIT 238 238P OMIT 238P 239 OMIT 239 240 OMIT 240 241 OMIT 241 242 OMIT 242 243 OMIT 243 244 OMIT 244 245 CLOSE SHOT - HAND 245 It scampers across the floorboards headed for a hole in the wall. 246 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 246 MEDIUM SHOT - ANIMATED HAND (4 SEC.) Same action as above but covered now through animation. 247 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 247 HAND - POV Low angle tracking shot approaching the hole in the wall. 248 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND HAND - SQUIB 248 TRACKING WITH HAND, ASH IN BG He raises the shotgun and FIRES. BLAM! The floor next to the hand explodes. 249 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN THE WALL - SQUIB - EFX. HAND 249 The hand leaps into the hole as a section of wall next to it EXPLODES. Blam! 250 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 250 Ash quickly reloads both chambers of the gun. He tracks the SOUND of the PITTER PATTER as the hand scampers through the sapace behind the wall like a rat. 251 OMIT 251 252 OMIT 252 253 OMIT 253 254 ASH'S POV - WALL - SQUIB 254 The blasted hole at the bottom of the wall. The hand appears, still unhurt, waving and taunting at Ash. 255 CLOSE SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (7 SEC.) 255 As it taunts ASH it inadvertently sidesteps into a rusting mousetrap. SNAP! It springs shut upon the hand. It screams furiously and shakes violently in an effort to get free the from trap. 256 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 256 Throws back his head in a gruff bark of laughter. ASH Ha! 257 CLOSE SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (7 SEC.) 257 The hand throws the trap from itself and raises its middle finger to ASH, flipping him the bird. 258 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 258 He raises the gun, revealing his face as the CAMERA PANS UP with his movement. 259 ASH'S POV - OVER THE GUN BARREL 259 Pointed directly at the hand. But the hand dodges away from the hole, disappearing again behind the wall. The gun continues to track the evil hand's progress through its pitter patter sound. 260 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S EAR 260 The pitter patter ebbs and then peaks in volume. 261 ASH'S POV - OVER THE GUN BARREL - SQUIB 261 Both triggers are squeezed. BLAM! BLAM! A 2nd and 3rd hole are blown in the wall. All is silent. 261A INSERT ASH'S FINGER PULLS THE FIRST, THEN 261A SECOND TRIGGER 261B INSERT FLAME BELCHES FROM THE GUN TWICE 261B 262 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 262 As he lowers the smoking gun. Wondering if he has hit the hand or not. 263 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 263 All is silent for a moment, and then a slight trickle of blood comes dripping from the hole and down the side of the wall. 264 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 264 For the first time feeling victorious. As Ash continues to stare at the hole, his expression changes to one of perplexity. 265 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 265 The trickle of blood has increased to a steady flow, then, even this volume of blood multiplies. It is forced out of the wall with a greater and greater pressure until blood pours from the wall like a fire hose. 266 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 266 Horrified, he spins his glance to the sound of more gushing liquid. He is hit in the face with a geyser of deep red blood. 267 CLOSE SHOT - 2ND AND 3RD HOLES IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 267 The 2nd and 3rd holes in wall also begin to spew blood in a geyser. The CAMERA PANS over to the 4th of the holes. This, too, is an eruption of blood. The blood changes in color to a black fluid, then yellow, then turquoise. 268 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 268 Screaming as he looks down at his wrist. CAMERA PANS DOWN to it. The severed wrist begins dribbling blood. Then in a burst, it too, erupts in a hellish fire hose. It spouts blood under such great pressure that ASH is driven against the walls of the cabin because of it. 269 MED. SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 269 We follow him as he slams from one wall into another. 270 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 270 In the midst of his scream, drowning in the blood, it all suddenly stops. The cabin is again deadly quiet. ASH, soaked in blood and shivering, waits. For what, he's not sure. 271 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 271 As he slowly backs away from the walls and sits upon the three legged chair. It shatters beneath him, dumping him on his butt. CREAK!!! ASH turns sharply to the low sound. 272 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 272 The mounted moose head upon the wall. It is in a different position. It turns sharply towards ASH and emits a hideous cackle. 273 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 273 He pulls back in fear, then turns to the sound of more laughter. 274 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 274 The desk lamp on its steel swivel rises and falls in synchronization with its wheezing laughter. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ahhhh ha ha ha ha! 275 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 275 Terrified, he turns to more laughter. 276 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 276 A line of 12 old books upon the shelf flap open and closed violently as they emit a chorus of sharp laughs. Ash turns. 276A CLOSE SHOT 276A Other books upon the floor laugh. 277 MEDIUM SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 277 He turns sharply toward us and breaks into an uproariously frightening bout of laughter. 278 WIDE SHOT - ASH 278 The wooden door behind Ash comes to life. It stretches out as though it were elastic with each of its own low and terrible laughs. 279 WIDE SHOT - MAIN ROOM - TRACKING SHOT 279 RIGGING FOR TRAP DOOR, CABINETS, CLOCK Ash and everything in it are having the time of their lives. Ash leads the bunch laughing harder and harder. 279A MEDIUM SHOT - HAND HELD - FRONT DOOR AND ASH 279A KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The room's laughter suddenly stops. Ash instantly terrified, grabs up the shotgun and fires into the door. Blam! Blam! PAN to the front door. Two holes are blown into the door. We hear a short shrill scream and then all is quiet. 280 OMIT 280 281 OMIT 281 282 OMIT 282 282A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 282A Ash opens the front door. It slowly swings inward with a creak revealing the empty night. 283 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND JAKE 283 Ash approaches the front porch as Jake enters sharply into his frame. Jake tackles Ash. 284 MEDIUM SHOT - SHOTGUN 284 As it slides across the floor. 285 MED. SHOT - ASH, JAKE AND ED 285 Ed enters and holds Ash down as Jake slugs him twice. Ash's fist comes up into frame catching Jake on the jaw. Jake pulls back his fist and rockets a piledriver blow to Ash's face, knocking him senseless. 285A C.U. ASH 285A 285B C.U. JAKE 285B 286 MEDIUM SHOT - FRONT DOORWAY - THE GROUP 286 Annie and Bobby Joe enter. Annie is taking off Bobby Joe's coat. Bobby Joe is wounded from the shotgun blast. She holds her shoulder where the shell has grazed her. JAKE You gonna be alright, honey? BOBBY JOE I don't know. JAKE You just sit still fer a minute. 287 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE, ED, ANNIE, AND BOBBY JOE 287 As Jake gives Ash a swift kick in the ribs. Ash moans. Jake turns to Ed, who is badly shaken. JAKE You know this son of a bitch? ED No. We thought her - Annie steps forward. ANNIE Oh my God. Where are my parents? Annie sets down the glass case containing the pages of the Book of the Dead. 288 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 288 As she looks down to the floor. 289 ANNIE'S POV - THE CHAINSAW 289 As it lies in a pool of blood. 290 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 290 Annie runs to Ash's semi-conscious body, grabs his shirt and violently shakes him. ANNIE What the hell did you do to them? Ed pulls Annie off of Ash. She drops Ash's moaning head to the floor and backs away from him, sobbing. 291 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE 291 Nursing his sore knuckles, he points with his elbow to the trap door that leads to the cellar. JAKE We'll throw him in there. 292 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND ASH 292 Jake picks up Ash's body and drags him quickly to the trap door. Half conscious, Ash feebly struggles with Jake. JAKE Crazy buck's gone blood simple. 293 ASH'S POV - HAND HELD 293 As he approaches the trap door almost upside down. Ed pries it open. 294 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HAND HELD 294 In a dazed state as he is carried to the trap door. ASH Wait... I made... a mistake... JAKE Damn right, you flat mouthed son of a bitch. 294A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND JAKE 294A Jake kicks Ash down into the open trap door. 295 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 295 ASH DUMMY Looking up at the open trap door as Ash's body falls through frame. 296 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 296 CLOSE SHOT - CELLAR STEP - ASH'S HEAD As it slams into the wooden step. His feet tumble over him as he begins to fall down the staircase. 297 LONG SHOT - ASH - STUNT 297 As he tumbles head over heels down the wooden steps. 298 ASH'S POV 298 Racing down the steps. 299 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 299 As he slams to the dirt floor of the cellar. Hard. He moans. 300 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 300 LOOKING UP TO THEM FROM CELLAR Jake, Ed and Bobby Joe. BOBBY JOE I hope you rot down there! 301 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 301 MEDIUM SHOT Ash begins to realize where he is. Growing terror on his battered face. ASH N... No. 302 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 302 ANGLE LOOKING UP Jake swings the trap door shut with a clanging of chains. 303 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 303 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH The shaft of light from above disappears and he is encased in the darkness of the cellar. From above he hears the threading of chains through eyeloops. 304 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 304 MED. SHOT - JAKE, ANNIE, BOBBY JOE, ED Jake has just laid Bobby Joe down upon the couch. He dresses her wound with a towel. Annie tosses down her coat on the chair at the writing desk. 304A MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 304A She spots the tape recorder and Kandarian Dagger. She moves to them. ANNIE These are my father's things. She turns on the tape recorder. High pitched feedback and the professor's screams come from the speaker. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on Tape) Last night Henrietta tried to kill me. ANNIE PROFESSOR KNOWBY SHHH! Listen! (Voice on tape) My father's voice. I know now, that my wife has become host to a kandarian demon. 305 MED. SHOT - JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ED 305 As they turn their heads to the sound of: 306 CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER - TRACKING 306 Still playing, the tapes wind as we hear the wowing and fluttering voice of Raymond Knowby. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) I cannot bring myself to dismember my wife, yet I know that I must, to halt the evil that lives within her. 307 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE - TRACKING IN 307 Horrified. ANNIE No. 308 OMIT 308 309 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 309 MED. SHOT - ASH - TRACKING AROUND HIM As he lays in the center of the cellar's earth floor. He strains his ears to listen to the tape playing in the room above. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) It is October 1, 4:33 p.m. Henrietta is dead. I could not bring myself to dismember her corpse. But I buried her. 310 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 310 TRACKING CLOSER As he listens intently to the tape playing in the room above. 311 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 311 TRACKING SHOT - TAPE RECORDER CAMERA SLOWLY MOVING IN on the winding tape. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) I . . . buried her . . . in the cellar. 312 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 312 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - TRACKING CLOSER Growing horror on his face as he realizes where he is. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) God help me, I buried her in the earthen floor of the fruit cellar! 313 OMIT 313 314 OMIT 314 315 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 315 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT - (STOP MOTION ANIMATION) Ash's legs in the foreground. Suddenly from the earthen floor of the fruit cellar a half-rotten human head juts up! Just the eyes are above the surface of the dirt. They dart about wildly and halt upon Ash. Worms crawl from the rotted forehead. 316 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 316 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He screams. 317 MED. SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - MOCK UP OF CELLAR 317 SET Henrietta's arm rips through the earth and grabs Ash's leg as he tries to back away. The corpse that was Henrietta pulls itself from the grave and emits a wail. She turns her twisted body to face Ash. Moths fly about her in a flurry. HENRIETTA Someone's in my fruit cellar! Someone with a fresh soul! 318 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 318 MED SHOT. - THE GROUP All eyes on the trap door. ED Somebody's down there with him. ANNIE No. Can't be. 319 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 319 MED. SHOT - ASH He runs up the steps to the trap door and begins pounding furiously upon it. 320 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 320 ASH Let me out! Let me out!!! 321 MED. SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) - WIND FAN 321 Henrietta lets out a terrible laugh and approaches the wooden staircase. 322 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 322 MED. SHOT - THE GROUP All eyes are on the banging trap door. ASH'S wild screams are coming from beneath. They look at one another, not sure of what to do. Jake holds the ring of keys. ANNIE Let him out. JAKE It's a trick. I know it. ANNIE LET HIM OUT! 323 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 323 WIDE SHOT - ASH At the top of the steps, pounding on the trap door, screaming to be let out. HENRIETTA ENTERS the FRAME at the bottom of the steps. A flutter of moths about her. 324 WIDE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) 324 Henrietta begins to climb the steps. Two at a time. HENRIETTA Come to me. Come to sweet Henrietta. 325 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 325 MED. SHOT - JAKE As he tries one key after another. 326 CLOSE SHOT - KEYS 326 As they are forced into the lock. 327 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 327 CLOSE SHOT - ASH Sweating at the top of the steps, watching as Henrietta approaches. ASH No. 328 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA 328 Extending her rotted and worm infested arm toward him. HENRIETTA Yesssssss. You and I. We shall spend eternity together. 329 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 329 Marie's shadow envelops him. He is petrified. HENRIETTA But first I'll swallow your soul ! 330 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 330 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA - (STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN) With a sharp recoil, then spring, Henrietta makes a lunge at Ash. Her face contorting, her teeth lengthening, her mouth opening impossibly wide as though she were going to swallow his head, and all as she lunges forward. She changes to "Pee Wee" head. 330P INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT - 35MM KODAKCHROME SLIDE 330P Plate for previous scene. 331 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 331 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He screams as a set of bloody hands grab his face. But they are not Henrietta's. He is pulled upward to the main room of the cabin. 332 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 332 CLOSE SHOT It is Jake who pulls Ash to safety. 333 WIDE SHOT - MAIN ROOM 333 Jake finishes pulling Ash up from the trapdoor and onto the floor of the main room. The horrible face of Pee-Wee head Henrietta pops from the cellar! 334 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ED 334 SCREAMING at the sight of the beast. ANNIE For God's sake! That's my mother! 335 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 335 One of Henrietta's rotted hands reach up from the cellar grabbing Jake. 336 CLOSE SHOT - ED 336 As he moves to help Jake, Henrietta swats at his jaw, knocking him backward into a picture frame. He shatters it with his head and slumps to the floor. 337 MED. SHOT - ASH 337 As he moves toward the trapdoor. 338 CLOSE SHOT - (STYROFOAM TRAPDOOR) 338 Ash's foot kicks the trapdoor shut and crushes Henrietta's Pee-wee head between the door and the floorboards. 339 MED. SHOT - DUMMY OF HENRIETTA - PEE WEE HEAD 339 Ash leaps down upon the trapdoor, slamming it to pin Pee-Wee head sideways. The pressure sends her left eyeball popping from her head, like a cork from a champagne bottle. 340 CLOSE SHOT - EYEBALL FLYBALL 340 Henrietta's eyeball and trailing optic nerve - mounted on glass - panning with the eyeball as it sails through space. 341 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE (REVERSE ACTION) 341 As the eyeball is shot into her screaming mouth. She begins to gag on it. 342 WIDE SHOT 342 Jake kicks Marie's Pee-Wee head in the face, sending her back down into the cellar. The trap door shuts. Ash leaps atop it. The sound of Henrietta falling down the cellar steps is heard along with the beast's wild ravings. Ash quickly threads the chains through the eyeloops. 343 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 343 He snaps the lock shut. Ash is shaking. Jake slowly moves down into his frame. He is completely terrified. 343A CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER IN F.G. 343A ASH, JAKE, ANNIE AND BOBBY IN B.G. The tape recorder continues to play. RAYMOND KNOWBY (V.O.) (Voice on tape) I fear that whatever I have resurrected from this book, is sure to come calling for me. 344 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 344 (SHAKI-CAM) The CAMERA takes the POV of the Evil Force as it glides through the woods. Over a stump, around the Oak trees, through a patch of fog, as the cabin comes into view. 345 OMIT 345 346 MED. SHOT - ANNIE, ASH, JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ED 346 Ash turns to the group, Annie is placing her wet bandana atop Ed's forehead. ASH There's something out there. That... witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives out in those woods. In the Dark. Something that's come back from the dead. 346A OMIT 346A 346B OMIT 346B 346C OMIT 346C 346D OMIT 346D 347 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE 347 Interrupting Ash. BOBBY JOE Jake, let's beat it the hell out o'here, right now. I gotta get out! JAKE Now Bobby, you ain't in no condition. ASH Nobody goes out that door. Not till daylight. 347A THE GROUP 347A They freeze in their tracks as they hear a gentle voice which sings a melancholy tune. Annie turns her head to the sound and the CAMERA PANS TO reveal HENRIETTA whose head juts in the space between the floorboards and the trap door. She is no longer possessed. She looks as she did earlier in the film. She is singing a gentle song to Annie. 347B CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA 347B HENRIETTA Remember that song Annie? I used to sing it to you when you were a baby. 347C CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 347C Uncertain of what to do, but wanting to believe. HENRIETTA Let me out, dear. It's so cold and dark in here. ANNIE Mother? HENRIETTA Unlock these chains. Quickly. 347D MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 347D Annie starts to follow the instructions, but Ash halts her gently. He shakes his head. Annie snaps out of it. She shakes her head and looks to the cellar. ANNIE No. No. I don't know what you are but you're not my mother. Annie begins to cry. 347E CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR 347E Henrietta is crying also. VOICE OF HENRIETTA How can you say that to me Annie? ANNIE No! VOICE OF HENRIETTA You were born September 2nd, 1962. I remember it well because it was snowing. So strange that it would be snowing in September. 348 CAMERA TRACKING IN ON ANNIE 348 Confused and tearful, she screams to the others in the room. ANNIE That thing in the cellar is not my mother! Ed stands sharply into her frame. His eyes bone white, his skin, the pale color of the dead. His mouth has grown over large. His lips are black. He is possessed. He shrieks. Annie screams and jumps back out of frame. 349 MED. SHOT - ED POSSESSED 349 RIGGING - REVERSE ACTION He flies up into the air and writhes about as if he were a human marionette. He lets out a demonic moan and then begins to laugh. 350 MED. SHOT - BOBBY JOE AND JAKE 350 As they clutch in fear at one another. 351 MED. SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 351 As they look on in horror. Ash steps in front of Annie as she gapes at this monstrosity that was Ed. 352 CLOSE SHOT - ED POSSESSED 352 RIGGING As he floats about the room. His laughter suddenly stops and a second demonic voice comes from his body. It is female, and wailing in lament. 353 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 353 Watching in horror. 354 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED RIGGING - UP AND DOWN The body of Ed turns sharply toward the group, not really seeing. ED (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) We are the things that were. (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) And shall be again! HA HA HA HA HA! (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) Spirits of the book. (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) We want what is yours! LIFE! As he floats about, his head dips and swoons. ED (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) Dead by dawn! (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) Dead by dawn! 355 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA POSSESSED 355 Sticking her gnarled head from the cellar. HENRIETTA Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn! 356 WIDE SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE IN FOREGROUND 356 RIGGING - DOLLY CART Ed floating, turns his head sharply to Bobby Joe. The Possessed body of Ed rushes through the air towards her. He opens his mouth wide open. 357 ED'S POV 357 As he quickly rushes upon a screaming Bobby Joe. 358 CLOSE SHOT - ED AND BOBBY JOE 358 He bites into Bobby Joe's head. With a single motion he rips out the bulk of the hair from her head with a terrible RIIIIIIIIP SOUND. 358A MEDIUM SHOT - ED DUMMY 358A Stands up into frame with a clump of Bobby Joe's hair in his mouth and swallows it. 359 WIDE SHOT - GROUP 359 Bobby Joe collapses to the ground. 360 MED. SHOT - HENRIETTA POSSESSED 360 As she calls from the cellar. HENRIETTA Free me! Unlock these chains! 361 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED 361 He turns to the trap door and moves toward it. 362 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 362 Both horrified. Ash retreats. Annie is shocked as she watches Ash back into the middle bedroom and disappear. 363 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 363 ANNIE Where are you going?! HELP US!! You filthy COWARD! 364 ANGLE FROM TRAP DOOR - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE 364 Possessed Ed moves toward the trap door. Jake comes up quickly behind Ed to grab his shoulder. 365 JAKE'S POV - DUMMY OF POSSESSED ED 365 As Jake's hand reaches for the shoulder of possessed Ed. The head of possessed Ed spins around on its neck so that it faces Jake. 365A CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ED 365A ED (In the voice of a woman) We see you! 366 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 366 Screaming as Ed's hand enters frame, and snags Jake's face. He tosses Jake upward. 367 CLOSE SHOT - ED POSSESSED 367 As he tosses Jake upward. 368 HIGH-WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE STUNTMAN 368 REVERSE ACTION - UNDERCRANKED Jake flies upward towards the ceiling of the cabin. 369 INT. CABIN CEILING - NIGHT (CEILING SET PIECE) 369 MED. SHOT A prop light bulb "Shining" in its fixture. Jake's head comes flying up into frame, shattering it, and slamming into the wood ceiling and then falling back down again. 370 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 370 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE STUNT MAN As Jake slams back down to the floor of the cabin. 371 MED. SHOT - ASH 371 As he reappears in the doorway of the room. Now he clutches an axe in his single hand. 372 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED 372 As he grabs the chains that secure the trap door ready to rip them loose. He turns his head to see: 372A OVER POSSESSED ED'S SHOULDER 372A Ash approaches with the axe. 373 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE AND OFF SCREEN 373 DUMMY OF ED Ash exits the frame and we are left with Annie and the stark shadow of possessed Ed which is cast upon the wall behind her. We watch as the shadow of Ash with the axe, slices through the top portion of possessed Ed's head. Annie screams as she is splattered with green bile. 373A CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ED DUMMY 373A Missing Ed's right hand portion of his head. His brain, shriveled like the inside of a pumpkin. 373B POSSESSED ED'S POV - ASH - EYEMO CAMERA AND MOUNT 373B Ash stands before us, his axe dripping green bile. Ed's arms flail wildly on either side of the camera, groping at the air. He slowly falls over and slams to the floor. 374 OMIT 374 375 OMIT 375 376 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED (FRAMED WITH AND W/O HEAD) 376 Ed's body falls to the floor. It lays quiet for a moment and then begins to writhe and scream in its demonic death throes. Finally, he is silent. 377 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE - POSSESSED ED DUMMY 377 Ash turns to her. ASH Start up that saw and hand it here! We're gonna cut him up. Annie looks to the chainsaw and then to the unmoving body of Ed. She is repulsed at the thought. ANNIE No. ASH START IT UP! ANNIE NO! Possessed Ed stands up quickly into frame! The evil force having re-animated his lifeless body. 377A CLOSE SHOT ASH - OVER POSSESSED ED'S SHOULDER 377A FLYING PLATFORM As a hand grabs Ash's throat. Possessed Ed exits frame, revealing it to be Ash's evil hand on his own throat. It lifts him into the air. 377B CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET 377B As they are lifted off the floor. 377C CLOSE SHOT ASH 377C He pries the evil hand from his throat and falls. 377D ASH/EVIL HAND 377D As he slams to the floor the evil hand scurries away in the B.G. 378 OMIT 378 379 OMIT 379 380 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED DUMMY AND ANNIE 380 Annie is screaming in horror. Possessed Ed backhands her across the face. 381 MED. SHOT - WRITING DESK 381 Annie slams into a desk shattering it to splinters of wood. She falls to the floor. 382 MED. SHOT - ASH 382 As he grabs the axe. 383 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED - DUMMY 383 As he stands sharply into frame. His mouth wide open and screaming. 384 MED. SHOT - ASH AND POSSESSED ED 384 Terrified, as he moves toward possessed Ed with the axe. 385 MED. SHOT - ASH AND POSSESSED ED DUMMY 385 RUBBER AXE Ash brings the axe down upon Ed's shoulder, knocking him to the floor. ASH swings the axe again and again. Different colors of bile and blood fly up into frame as Ash chops. 385A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 385A Screaming at the sight. 386 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 386 His axe blade rises and falls as black demon blood flies up into frame. 387 CLOSE SHOT - LOW ANGLE - FLOOR LEVEL 387 ASH AND ED DUMMY PARTS Ed's missing portion of his head sits upon the floor. His eye in extreme C.U. in the foreground. It looks wildly about into the CAMERA. In the background, we watch Ash bring down the axe until all is silent. 388 WIDE SHOT 388 Jake slowly stands into the empty frame. He is in shock from what he has just seen. Annie slowly rises into frame - shaking her head in a silent "No." Ash slowly rises into frame, terrified. They are looking down at the out-of-frame remains of possessed Ed. 388A OMIT 388A 389 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - MITCHELL 389 The moon has grown larger. Fog billows past the cabin. 389P EXT. NIGHT - THE FULL MOON 389P 390 OMIT 390 390A MAIN ROOM NIGHT - ASH, JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ANNIE 390A Jake sprays a can of air freshener about the room. He holds his nose. Ash tosses a bloodied sheet, containing the remains of possessed Ed to the floor. It lands with a sickening thud. Wiping his face with a rag, Ash moves off in disgust. We hold on the bundled sheet as the trap door next to it silently opens. Henrietta's rotted hand emerges, unnoticed by the others in the room. BOBBY JOE Jake, I can't take no more of this. Henrietta's rotted hand pulls the bundle of body parts silently down into the cellar and quietly closes the trap. 390B MEDIUM SHOT JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 390B Jake moves to the window and looks out. JAKE That's funny. BOBBY JOE What? JAKE That trail we came in here on... well, it just ain't there no more. Like the woods jus' swallowed it. The room goes quiet. The sound of the wind outside the cabin has died. Jake and Bobby Joe cock their heads to this new silence. 391 OMIT 391 392 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 392 She looks about the room, getting scared. ANNIE It's so quiet. Ash stands slowly into frame. He knows that it can't be good. 393 WIDE SHOT - THE GROUP 393 As they raise their heads to a distant pounding sound. It grows louder. BOOM - BOOM! BOOM - BOOM! JAKE What the hell is it? ASH Maybe something... Something trying to force its way into our world. BOOM! BOOM! BANG! BAM! 393A EYEMO CAMERA/MITCHELL CAMERA - GROUP 393A The cabin WALL. Bang! 393B THE FRONT DOOR - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393B 393C THE BOARDED WINDOW - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393C BANG! 393D THE CEILING BEAMS - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393D BAM! 393E A SECTION OF WALL - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393E 393F A SECTION OF THE TONGUE AND GROOVE FLOOR 393F EYEMO - MITCHELL - GROUP BAM! 393G ASH - C.U. 393G 393H JAKE - C.U. 393H 393I ANNIE - C.U. 393I 393J BOBBY JOE - C.U. 393J 394 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 394 Bobby Joe runs to Jake's arms. He clutches her tightly. 395 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 395 Annie runs to Ash. He holds her. The pounding sounds halt. Again they are left in silence. Annie awkwardly disengages herself from Ash. They hear a sound coming from the middle bedroom. BOBBY JOE It's in there. 396 MEDIUM SHOT - DOOR TO MIDDLE BEDROOM 396 It is opened a crack. 397 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 397 ASH We'll all go in together. JAKE Hell no, you're the curious one. 398 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 398 He moves toward the door. ANNIE I'll go with you. Ash nods to Annie in a show of thanks. He grabs the axe, and pushes open the door to the middle bedroom. Annie follows with the flickering oil lantern. 399 INT. MIDDLE BEDROOM - NIGHT 399 The door to the main room creaks open. Ash and Annie cautiously enter. They look about the place. 400 ASH'S POV - MIDDLE BEDROOM - NIGHT 400 As the CAMERA PANS the shadowed corners of the room. 401 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 401 An eerie whistling wind is heard. It has an other worldly sound, very far off. 401A MEDIUM SHOT - DOORWAY TO MIDDLE BEDROOM 401A Bobby Joe and Jake enter the room, drawn by the sound. 401B CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE 401B She looks about, frightened. 401C OMIT 401C 401D MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 401D Jake takes Bobby Joe's hand. Bobby Joe smiles, frightened. 402 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 402 Waiting. 403 MEDIUM SHOT - PANNING THE DARK ROOM 403 As the eerie whistling sound grows louder. It is followed by the angry sound of something moving violently about the room. A shattering of glass. 404 OMIT 404 405 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 405 WOOOOOSH! The group is hit with a tremendous blast of air. They shiver from the cold. 406 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 406 The wind in the room suddenly stops. He blows out his breath and watches it vaporize. The screaming face of Raymond Knowby emerges from the wall. A life like spirit made of swirling smoke and mist. RAYMOND Annie. 406P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 406P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 407 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 407 They turn to the ghost in fear. 408 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 408 Awestruck. Bobby Joe crosses herself. JAKE Holy Mother O'Mercy. 409 OMIT 409 410 OMIT 410 411 OMIT 411 412 OMIT 412 413 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GHOST OF RAYMOND 413 RAYMOND There is a dark spirit here that wants to destroy you. Your salvation lies in the pages from the Book of the Dead. The ghost of Raymond points to Annie's glass case. CAMERA PANS to it. Inside are the pages from the Book. 413P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 413P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 414 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 414 Listening. 415 ANGLE - THE GROUP AND THE GHOST OF RAYMOND 415 RAYMOND Recite the passages. Dispel the evil. Save my soul... And your own lives. The ghost of Raymond screams and is gone. 415P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 415P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 416 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 416 Whoosh! Again they are hit with a blast of air. 416A MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 416A BOBBY JOE Jake, you squeezing my hand too tight. JAKE I ain't got your hand, baby. BOBBY JOE Then who...? Bobby Joe raises her hand into frame, to reveal Ash's Evil Hand clutched in hers. Bobby Joe goes nuts, screaming and flailing about trying to throw the hand from her. She slams into the lantern, knocking it out. We lose them in the darkness. JAKE'S VOICE Somebody get the light! The sound of chairs being pushed over. The sound of a door opening and closing. 417 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 417 As he lights the lantern illuminating the room. CAMERA PANS over to reveal only Jake and Annie. 418 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 418 Looking about. JAKE Hey. Bobby Joe's gone! 419 OMIT 419 420 OMIT 420 421 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 421 Screaming, Bobby Joe makes a mad dash away from the cabin. It diminishes in size behind her, she has had enough of it. 422 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - DRAGWAY 422 MEDIUM SHOT - BOBBY JOE - TRACKING As she races through the woods. 423 CLOSER - JONES' CREEK 423 She runs deep into the woods, still looking behind her as she slams into a twisted oak tree that stops her flat. An angry face appears on the surface of the tree. Its gnarled bark folds open to reveal very human like oversized eyes. A large fold in its bark opens to form a gaping mouth dripping tree sap saliva. TREE FACE BAHHHH! 423A CLOSE SHOT - TREE FACE 423A 424 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE - (REVERSE ACTION) 424 JONES' CREEK Screaming as she backs away from this living tree as a flurry of snake like vines pick themselves up off of the ground and come to life about her. 425 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE'S LEGS - (REVERSE ACTION) 425 JONES' CREEK Two living vines wind their way toward her legs and coil around her ankles tightly. 426 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE - JONES' CREEK - 4 RIPS 426 She lets out a short shrill scream, as her shirt is torn away from her. 427 MED. SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 427 Living vines wind around Bobby Joe's torso and breasts in a furious wrapping motion. 428 CLOSE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 428 A living vine wraps around her throat. 429 CLOSE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 429 Tiny vines wrap around Bobby Joe's hand and fingers. 429A EXT. JONES CREEK - NIGHT 429A SHOTS OF VINES COMING TOWARDS CAMERA 430 MED. SHOT - RIGGING - STUNT 430 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK Bobby Joe, wrapped in vines, is reeled backwards and ripped through a wall of branches. 431 MED. SHOT - PANNING - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT 431 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK At a great speed, Bobby Joe is pulled away from the cabin and towards the forest by the vines. 432 BOBBY JOE'S POV - OVER HER LEGS - RIGGING EFFECT 432 STUNT - UNDERCRANKED - REVERSE ACTION - DRAGWAY As the vines rocket her on a speeding FAST MOTION joyride along the forest floor. 433 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE'S FACE 433 RIGGING EFX - DRAGWAY As she drags along the forest flctor, the smaller vines force their way into Bobby Joe's nose and mouth and then under the first layer of her facial skin. 433A TRACKING SHOT - DRAGWAY - DUMMY AND STUNT 433A She is pulled along the ground and down into a foxhole (dummy). Camera continues tracking along her original trajectory until we come to the second foxhole where she emerges, now covered in mud, and screaming. 433B ANGLE - DUMMY - JONES' CREEK 433B Bobby Joe rips through spikes extending from a log and is dragged through two mud puddles. The vines wisk her away. 434 EXT. SWAMP - NIGHT 434 PANNING SHOT - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT She hits a swamp with a giant splash, but even this does not stop her. 435 LONG SHOT - SWAMP 435 ROOSTERTAIL WATER SPRAY EFX - STUNT She glides across the surface of the swamp with a great roostertail spray of water, as if she were on water skis. 436 ANGLE - RIGGING EFX - STUNT - SWAMP 436 She hits the other side of the swamp and is rocketed out of the water and across the forest floor. 437 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - JONES' CREEK - DUMMY 437 STATIC CAMERA - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT - UNDERCRANKED Bobby Joe comes roaring towards us, screaming. She rips past. 438 STATIC CAMERA - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT 438 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK From BEHIND CAMERA Bobby Joe appears and goes racing into the distance. 439 BOBBY JOE'S POV - OVER HER LEGS - DRAGWAY 439 RIGGING EFFECT - UNDERCRANKED - STUNT Darting in and around trees, a major stump is coming right for her. Bobby Joe's legs spread wide. The tree stump races closer. Bobby Joe SCREAMS . . . her last. 439A TREE STUMP'S POV - BOBBY JOE APPROACHES 439A UNDERCRANKED 439B BOBBY JOE'S LEGS - STUMP - DRAGWAY 439B STOP MOTION - REVERSE ACTION Girl meets stump. 440 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - OVERCRANKED 440 LOW SHOT - LOOKING UPWARD PAST THE STUMP - BLOOD GEYSER EFX We hear the RIP! And watch as a geyser of blood floods up into the night sky. 441 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - OVERCRANKED 441 CLOSE SHOT - GLASS CASE CONTAINING PAGES FROM BOOK OF THE DEAD It falls away from the CAMERA and shatters on the table beneath us. 442 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 442 As their hands scramble at removing the pages from the bits of broken glass. 443 MED. SHOT - JAKE IN FG - ASH AND ANNIE IN BG 443 Jake is looking out the boarded window of the cabin, searching for some sign of Bobby Joe. 444 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 444 JAKE'S POV - THE DARK WOODS - WINDOW FRAME All is silent as fog rushes in and around the woods. JAKE Where the hell is she? 445 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 445 MED. SHOT - JAKE AND ASH AND ANNIE Jake turns to Ash. JAKE We gotta go out there and find her! ASH If she went out in those woods, she's not coming back. Jake turns back to the window. Ash turns to Annie. He glances down at the pages that Annie is looking over. 445A ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT - PAGES AND ANNIE 445A One of the pages is a clear pictorial of Ash as the "Hero from the Sky." 445B ASH AND ANNIE 445B Ash shudders. ANNIE What is it? ASH Felt like someone just walked over my grave. It's that picture. Annie looks to it. 445C CLOSE SHOT - PAGE OF THE BOOK OF THE DEAD 445C CONTAINING ASH'S "HERO FROM THE SKY" ILLUSTRATION. 445D ANNIE AND ASH 445D ANNIE In 1300 AD. This was the "Hero from the Sky," who was prophesized to destroy this Evil. ASH He didn't do a very good job. What about the passages? 446 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 446 As she quickly gives the pages a cursory glance. ANNIE Here it is. Two passages. For the first time, she smiles at Ash. ANNIE We've got it! 446A - 446H OMIT 446A - 446H 447 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 447 Finally seeing his salvation, his face shows hope. 447A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 447A Annie reads through the pages. ANNIE Recitation of the first passage will make this "Dark Spirit" manifest itself in the flesh. ASH Why the hell would we want to do that? Annie thumbs through one or two of the other pages. ANNIE Recitation of the second passage creates a kind of rift in time and space, and the physical manifestation of this spirit can be forced back through this rift... to an earlier time and place. At least that's the best translation I can .... CLICKITY CLICK 448 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 448 Annie and Ash look up to the source of the sound. 449 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE 449 He has just snapped a shell into the firing chamber of the shotgun. He points it at Ash and Annie. JAKE I'm runnin' the show now. 450 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 450 Standing together, confused. 450A CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 450A JAKE We're goin' outside into those woods to look for Bobby Joe, an' once we find her, we're gettin' the hell outta here. ASH If you want to look for her, go ahead. JAKE You two comin' with me. I ain't goin' out there alone. ASH NO, YOU IDIOT. You'll kill us all. She's dead by now. With these pages we can... Jake grabs the pages from Annie's hand. JAKE Those pages don't mean shit. Jake kicks the pages down into the cellar. Ash and Annie look on in horror. JAKE 'Sides. Now you ain't got no, choice. Jake pushes at Ash with the barrel of the shotgun. JAKE Now move! Ash hesitates. JAKE Move you son of a bitch! 451 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 451 Ash, Annie and Jake exit the cabin. 452 EXT. FRONT PORCH OF CABIN - NIGHT 452 TRACKING BACKWARD Ash, Annie and Jake walk towards the woods. In the FG is Ash. He looks off past the CAMERA in fear. 453 ASH'S POV - WOODS - NIGHT ROD PUPPETS - STUDIO 453 As he approaches a line of trees whose branches bend and sway with a threatening motion. 453A EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING BACKWARD 453A ASH, JAKE, AND ANNIE ASH No trail. Which way do you intend to go? 453B CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 453B Looking confused and frightened. He calls out desperately. JAKE Bobby Joe! 453C EXT. WOODS NIGHT - POV EVIL FORCE 453C As it glides through the woods. We hear a muted shout from Jake. JAKE (O.S.) Bobby Joe, where are you girl? And the POV of the force suddenly swings about to reveal Jake, Ash, and Annie not to far away. 453D EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - ASH 453D As he moves deeper into the woods. 453E EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - ANNIE 453E As she searches the woods with her eyes in fear. 453F EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - JAKE 453F As scared as the rest of them, but driven to find Bobby Joe. 453G POV EVIL FORCE - EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 453G As it approaches the group. 453H EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - FOAM SHOTGUN STOCK 453H JAKE, ASH, AND ANNIE JAKE Bobby Joe! Bobby Joe! Ash approaches Jake. ASH You'll get us all killed. JAKE Shaddup! Jake slams Ash across the face with the stock of the shotgun. Ash plummets to the ground. Annie screams! She goes after Jake. Jake slugs her and she falls to the ground. 453I EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - JAKE, ASH, AND ANNIE 453I POV - EVIL FORCE It draws closer. 453J EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - JAKE - CLOSE SHOT 453J Raging to the night! JAKE Bobby Joe! 453K EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 453K POV of Evil Force racing up to the group. 453L EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 453L Jake halts his screaming. He listens in the silence as possessed Ash juts up into the frame! His eyes are bone white, his flesh, the pale color of the dead. His lips, black. He bellows to the night! 454 - 473 OMIT 454-473 474 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 474 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE She screams and stumbles backwards, towards the cabin. 475 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - CRANE 475 MEDIUM SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - JAKE DUMMY - FLYING RIG Possessed Ash lifts Jake up above his head and throws him into a large tree. It explodes in a blast of sawdust as the dummy slams into it. 476 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 476 MEDIUM SHOT Annie dashes inside and turns to look out the open doorway. 477 EXT. CABIN - ANNIE'S POV - THRU THE OPEN DOORWAY 477 All is quiet outside, no sign of Possessed Ash or Jake, and then Possessed Ash is there, emerging from the darkness suddenly. He raises his finger and points to Annie. He speaks in the low garbled voice of a demon: POSSESSED ASH JOIN US! 478 INT. CABIN - MED. SHOT - ANNIE 478 She rushes to the door, hoping to get there before Possessed Ash. 479 MED. SHOT - ANNIE AND POSSESSED ASH 479 She slams the front door shut just in time. 480 MED. SHOT - ANNIE - WRITING DESK 480 She picks up the Kandarian Dagger. CREAK - SNAP! A sound coming from somewhere in the rear of the cabin. She turns toward the door to the hallway. 481 - 486 OMIT 481 - 486 487 ANNIE'S POV - THE DOOR TO THE HALLWAY 487 It is closed. 488 OMIT 488 489 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 489 She moves to investigate the sound. As she approaches the rear door to the hall and slowly opens it. 489A ANNIE'S POV 489A As the door to the hallway is pulled open, revealing ... only the empty hallway. 489B INT. CABIN HALLWAY - NIGHT 489B ANNIE She breathes a sigh of relief. 490 ANNIE'S POV 490 As she moves down the hall. It is dark. Curtains flutter on the boarded windows. 491 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 491 As she moves towards the rear of the cabin. 491A INT. HALLWAY/EXT. CABIN - LOCATION - ANNIE'S POV 491A THE WINDOW AND WOODS BEYOND We approach the window and look out into the night. Fog billows through the trees, and in the distance the monster that is Ash emerges. He heads toward the cabin and disappears in a bank of fog. 491B INT. HALLWAY (STUDIO) 491B Annie is frightened. She spins her head to a sound. 492 ANNIE'S POV - THE REAR DOOR OF THE CABIN 492 Creak! The doorknob is turning. Something is trying to get in. 493 ANNIE - MED. SHOT 493 She forces her back to the wall. She tenses with the dagger, ready to slay whatever should enter. 494 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 494 She waits. 495 CLOSE SHOT - THE KANDARIAN DAGGER 495 Gripped tightly in Annie's sweating hands. 496 CLOSE SHOT - DOORKNOB 496 Rattling violently now. And suddenly it opens. 497 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE'S HANDS 497 As they swing the dagger. 498 CLOSE SHOT 498 As the dagger imbeds in the intruder's chest. CAMERA PANS UP quickly to reveal a gasping Jake. 499 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND ANNIE 499 Jake falls to the ground, half in and out of the doorway. He is still alive. 500 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 500 As she backs away in horror, clutching at her head. ANNIE No! She backs to a partially boarded window. 501 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 501 Possessed Ash juts up into frame in the window behind her. Annie screams and runs toward the open back door. Possessed Ash spots the open door through the window and begins to move around the side of the house. 502 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 502 As she goes to slam the door. 503 MED. SHOT - JAKE 503 As he lies moaning in the doorway, the door slams upon him. 504 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 504 As she reaches down and pulls Jake's body out of the way. 505 EXT. CABIN/REAR - NIGHT 505 POSSESSED ASH As he moves around the side of the cabin, tearing apart a trellis that stands in his path, and three hanging flowerpots as he approaches the open door. 506 INT. CABIN BACK HALLWAY - NIGHT 506 MED. SHOT - ANNIE Again she tries to slam the door. 507 MED. SHOT - JAKE'S DUMMY ANKLE 507 Which lies in the door's path, preventing it from closing. 508 EXT. CABIN/REAR - NIGHT 508 OVER POSSESSED ASH'S SHOULDER As he approaches the back door. He grabs the screen door and tears it loose with a single motion. 509 INT. CABIN REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 509 ANNIE As she pulls Jake's ankle from the door and slams it. All is again silent. 509A INT. CABIN - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT - ANNIE AND JAKE 509A Annie kneels down next to a moaning Jake, driving the dagger in a little deeper by accident. He cries out in pain. JAKE Get the axe. Kill it. Kill it. Jake moans and dies. 509B CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 509B As she turns her head to the sound of breaking glass. 509C TRACKING SHOT - ANNIE - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 509C As she cautiously approaches the main room. 509D ANNIE'S POV - REAR HALLWAY/MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 509D As she moves towards the main room. 509E MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - ANNIE 509E Annie enters the room. She shudders from the cold. CAMERA PANS with her glance to broken glass upon the floor, and over to reveal the bashed out window and the curtains fluttering in the wind. 509F MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 509F Petrified. Looking about. Knowing that the monster Ash may be lurking close. 509G WIDE SHOT - ANNIE 509G As she moves about the main room, picking up the axe. With her back toward us she doesn't notice Ash's hand appear suddenly in the foreground atop the writing desk. She turns suddenly towards camera. 509H OVER ANNIE'S SHOULDER 509H Ash's evil hand sits upon the table. It scampers off. Annie turns and comes face to face with Possessed Ash! He bellows at her and grabs her as she shrieks bloody murder! 510 OMIT 510 511 OMIT 511 512 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 512 WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH AND ANNIE - DUMMY He picks her up and swings her across the room, into the wall. She slumps to the floor unconscious. 513 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 513 As he lumbers toward her. 514 ASH'S POV - STAR FILTER - MIRROR NECKLACE 514 As he moves closer to her unmoving body. A glitter of light on the floor, next to her, catches his eye. 515 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 515 For the first time, calm, as he looks intently down at the floor. He kneels closer. 516 ASH'S POV - (STAR FILTER) 516 The NECKLACE of Linda. 517 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 517 The sight of the necklace strikes the human cord within him. He is confused, his evil self, battling for control of his spirit and body. He reaches to pick it up. 518 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 518 As he slowly picks up the delicate silver necklace. He raises it to his face; LINDA (V.O.) I'll never take it off. And then it hits him. The emotion of love lost. It floods the monster that is ASH. He clutches the necklace tightly to his bestial chest. And as the Love/waltz theme sweeps up in volume on the sound track, the monster begins to cry. 519 WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH AND ANNIE - TULIP CRANE 519 Ash raises his head and lets out a low, lamenting, and pitiful wail. A man trapped in the shell of a beast, crying for the one he has lost. 520 MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - 50% POSSESSED 520 As he raises his head. Tears stream down from his eyes, washing away the caked on blood. 521 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH (REVERSE ACTION) 521 BLADDER EFX - 50 - 20% POSSESSED His face begins to change. His skin loses its white pallor. His blackened, infected cuts disappear. The swollen and cracked surface of his face begins to heal. 522 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) - MINIATURE 522 EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - DUMMY HEAD W/FLUID EYE CHAMBER Ash's eyes change from white to brown. 523 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 523 As the last tears roll down Ash's face, he is once again human. Ash looks up suddenly with a start. 524 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 524 EXPLODING FLOOR As he rolls out of the way a moment before the head of the axe buries itself in the wooden floor. Splinters fly. 525 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 525 EXPLODING WALL EFX Rolls to his feet and stands. He ducks as Annie enters frame, charging him with axe, screaming. ASH No. WAIT! Annie swings the axe and again Ash ducks. The head of the axe slams into the plastered wall smashing right through. 526 CLOSER - ASH AND ANNIE 526 Ash grabs her tightly with his remaining hand. ASH Listen to me! I'm all right now. That thing is gone. Ash pushes her away. Annie falls to the floor. She stands. 527 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 527 EXPLODING WALL EFX Catching his wind for a moment. Then rolls to the side as the axe again comes at him! SLAM! The head of the axe slices into the wall only a few inches from his head. 528 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 528 As he grabs Annie by the face and forces her backwards. ASH GOD DAMN IT! I said I was all right!! Annie is nearly choking. ANNIE Okay. Ash releases her gently. She again looks to Ash, cautiously. ANNIE Are you sure? ASH You'll be the first to know. I'm fine. 529 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 529 ANNIE Yeah, but for how long? If we're going to beat this thing, we need those pages. 529A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 529A As he turns to the trap door. ASH Then let's head down into that cellar... 529B CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR 529B It lies silently against the floor. A rasping breath can be heard from below. 529C CLOSE SHOT - ASH 529C He turns from the trap door to Annie. ASH ...And carve ourselves a witch. 530 EXT. WORKSHED - NIGHT 530 Ash's hand flips open the latch on the shed door. 531 INT. WORKSHED - NIGHT 531 The door is kicked open, revealing the silhouette of Ash and Annie as they stand in the doorway. 532 WORKSHED SHELF 532 Rats scurry for safety as the shaft of light from the door hits them. 533 HANGING BULB 533 ASH'S hand pulls on the cord, turning on the light. 534 WORKSHED TABLE 534 Ash's arm sweeping the chains and pieces of wood onto the floor. 535 OMIT 535 536 OMIT 536 537 OMIT 537 538 THE HOSE CLAMP 538 Is tossed down upon the workshed table. 539 A SECOND HOSECLAMP 539 Is tossed down next to the first. 540 ANNIE'S HANDS 540 Hold down a clamp as ASH'S hand, creates screw sized holes in it with a battery powered drill. 541 ANNIE'S HANDS 541 Attach the hoseclamps to a piece of red steel. 542 ANNIE'S HANDS 542 Attach the red piece of steel to ASH'S stump, via the clamps. 543 ANNIE'S HANDS 543 Attach a "V" type hook Around Ash's neck, just above his bicep. 544 ASH'S HAND 544 Slams down the chainsaw upon the table. It is missing its side panel. ASH'S arm enters frame and we see that it is this missing side panel that has been clamped to his stump. 545 CLOSER SHOT 545 The panel slides into the side of the chainsaw with a sharp "CLICK". 546 ASH 546 As he bends the chainsaw to his chest. 547 CLOSE SHOT 547 The "T" shaped end of the starter cord falls neatly into the "V" shaped hook that is strapped around Ash's neck. 548 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 548 He looks up to Annie, the moment of truth. 549 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 549 Hair tousled over her sweating face, returns his glance, expectant. 550 WIDE SHOT 550 Ash extends his chainsaw arm, pulling on the starter cord. The CHAINSAW ROARS to life. With his free arm Ash raises the shotgun. He lowers the blade of the chainsaw down upon the barrel. Sparks fly as the saw cuts through it. The long barrel falls to the floor. Ash is left with a sawed off shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw strapped to his other arm. With a fancy style western flip to the gun Ash saddles the shotgun in a makeshift holster, strapped to his back. The CAMERA SLOWLY TRACKS into Ash's face. ASH Groovy. 551 - OMIT 551 551A EXT. CABIN/WORKSHED - NIGHT - INKY PUPPET 551A In the distance, the tiny figures of Ash and Annie as they move from the workshed to the cabin. In the foreground is a large oak tree. A gnarled human- like face can be made out on the surface of the tree. It is lit from beneath and slolwly brought up on a dimmer. A horrible twisted tree face. It suddenly opens its mouth and breathes in a gust of air with a terrible wheezing sound, as though in great pain at being brought to life. It turns sharply towards the cabin. 552 CLOSE SHOT - DINKY PUPPET 552 Second tree face, brought up on a dimmer, opens its mouth and loudly draws in air, also in agony. 553 CLOSE SHOT - MOE PUPPET 553 A third tree's twisted face, two human eyes opened wide on its surface. It breathes, then barks a guttural sound. 554 MED. SHOT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 554 In the foreground is the base of a large oak tree. The cabin in the distance. A rumbling is heard. Then suddenly the tree pulls one of its massive roots from the earth. The tree sets its root down a few feet closer to the cabin. 555 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 555 WIDE SHOT - TREE PUPPETS An entire line of trees. All pull their roots free from the soil and take an awkward and lumbering step towards the cabin. 556-564 OMIT 556-564 565 INT. MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 565 CLOSE SHOT - THE BLADE OF THE CHAINSAW Begins cutting through the wood of the trap door. 566 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 566 Tensing with her axe, ready for the beast to spring. 567 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW BLADE 567 As it completes the second cut in the wood of the trap door. 568 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 568 As he finishes the slicing job and kicks open the trap door. 569 LOW ANGLE - ANNIE AND ASH - FROM CELLAR LOOKING UP 569 The broken bits of the trap door fall past the camera, as they cautiously peer down into the cellar. 570 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 570 ANNIE'S POV Looking down into the cellar. No sign of Henrietta. The bottom of the steps disappear into blackness. ASH Those pages are down there somewhere. 571 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 571 MED. SHOT - ASH He kicks aside the broken trapdoor and slowly descends into the darkness. 572 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 572 MED. SHOT Ash arrives at the bottom of the steps. He looks about the dark corners of the cellar trying to find some sign of Henrietta or the pages. 573 OMIT 573 574 OMIT 574 575 ASH'S POV 575 Panning the cobwebs and dark stone walls of the cellar. Half hidden in the shadows we see two of the missing pages. 575A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 575A As he moves through the cellar and grabs the pages. He spots another page somewhat deeper into the cellar. 575B ASH'S POV 575B A fourth and fifth page lay upon the earthen floor, at the base of the cellar's rear door. 575C ASH - CLOSE SHOT 575C Ash moves to pages and gathers them. Annie's voice calls down. ANNIE (O.S.) Did you find her? 576 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 576 ASH She's playing hard to get... He pumps the throttle on the buzzing saw. ASH ... rid of. Behind Ash, unseen by him, a shadow darts by. 577 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 577 He hears a sound. 577A ASH'S POV - 577A It is coming from the door to the cellar's rear room. 577B ANGLE - ASH 577B He reaches for the door and opens it. Revealing darkness beyond. Ash enters. Again he hears the slight sound, a gentle ticking. 578 INT. CELLAR - REAR ROOM - NIGHT - ASH'S POV 578 The ticking sound is coming from behind a hanging drape. 579 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 579 He approaches the drape, reaches out his hand and pulls it back sharply. Revealing an old water heater, ticking and steaming. 579A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 579A He breathes a sigh of relief as the half eaten skeleton torso of Ed falls atop him! Ash screams and steps suddenly away. 579B ASH'S POV 579B Ed's skeletal carcass falls to the earthen floor still wrapped in the bloody sheet. 579C CLOSE SHOT - ASH 579C Looking on in horror. ASH (In a whisper) She got hungry. Ash turns from the skeleton and quickly gathers up the remaining pages from the Book of the Dead. Getting scared now, he backs into the cellar's front room. 579D INT. CELLAR - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 579D As he moves towards the steps. He tosses up the bundle of pages. 579E MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 579E Peering down into the cellar, she grabs the pages. 579F MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE - MAIN ROOM 579F She rushes over to the writing desk and begins translating. 580 INT. CELLAR - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 580 Getting scared now, decides to exit the cellar. He climbs the steps. 581 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET 581 As they climb. From behind the wooden steps, the horrible head of Henrietta appears. Her two rotting hands grab at Ash's ankles. 582 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 582 He looks down with a scream. 583 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA/ASH'S DUMMY FEET 583 HENRIETTA Come to me. Come to sweet Henrietta! Her face pulls back behind the cellar steps. Her hands pull ASH's feet in after her. 584 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - CAMERA RIG 584 As Ash falls, he slams his jaw down upon the bottom step. 585 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW ARM 585 As the spinning blade jams into the step, stalling the engine. 586 LONG SHOT - ASH DUMMY - AND HENRIETTA'S HANDS 586 (UNDERCRANKED) In an instant, his entire body is pulled beneath the steps. 587 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 587 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE As she sits at the writing desk, reciting the first of the passages. ANNIE Nos-feratos-allo-memnon-kanda! She puts aside the pages and glances up suddenly at the faint sounds of the struggle from the cellar. 588 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 588 LONG SHOT - ASH - CELLAR STEPS (UNDERCRANKED) Ash's badly mauled body rips through the staircase with a great force. 589 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 589 As he slams into the earth floor of the cellar. He moans, and looks towards the steps. 590 ASH'S POV - THE WOODEN STAIRCASE (REVERSE ACTION) 590 As a cackling Henrietta appears where the bottom section of staircase used to stand. 591 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 591 MED. SHOT - ANNIE As she races from the writing desk to look down into the cellar. 592 OVER ANNIE'S SHOULDER - UNDERCRANKED 592 As she kneels down at the trapdoor, about to call down to Ash when the witchlike figure of Henrietta floats quickly up into the main room from the cellar. A flurry of moths about her. HENRIETTA Free! Free at last! 593 WIDE SHOT - ANNIE 593 As Annie attempts to move from the trap door. Henrietta is clutching at Annie's hair and laughing with a demonic malice, as she spins about the room in mid air. 594 CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR - ANNIE'S FEET 594 Ash's bloodied arm slings itself over the edge of the trapdoor. He pulls himself up into the main room. 595 MED. SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - 595 HENRIETTA AND ANNIE Henrietta turns sharply to Ash with a growl. 596 MED. SHOT - ASH 596 He stands and jerks out his chainsaw arm sharply. The cord is pulled and the engine roars to life! 597 MED. SHOT - HENRIETTA 597 As she leaps through the air toward Ash. 598 HENRIETTA'S POV - RACING AT HIM - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 598 Ash swings his buzzing chainsaw. 599 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S GNARLED HAND 599 As it grabs the body of the chainsaw, halting it in mid swing. 600 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND HENRIETTA 600 As she keeps the buzzing chainsaw at bay with one hand, while her other grabs at Ash's throat, strangling him. 600A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 600A As he is slammed through the window. 600B ASH AND HENRIETTA 600B Ash kicks her in the stomach. Henrietta is furious. 600C CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED HENRIETTA - MITCHELL CAMERA 600C STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN She grits her teeth, concentrates, and her neck begins to grow. She begins to change to Pee Wee Head. 600CP PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 600CP INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT CAMERA PANS UP on "B" wall. 601 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA - MITCHELL CAMERA 601 STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN As the pee wee Head transformation continues, Henrietta's neck grows, like a jack in the box. It extends a solid five feet upward, so that her head is now looking down upon Ash baring its teeth. 601P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - ASH - MITCHELL CAMERA 601P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 602 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - TULIP CRANE 602 CAMERA CRANING UP ON HIM Ash gapes in fear at this monstrosity that looms above him. 603A INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 603A POSSESSED HENRIETTA PUPPET - MEDIUM SHOT Her neck undulating like a snake, she bites and snaps. HENRIETTA I'll swallow your soul, swallow your soul! 603B ASH - CLOSE SHOT 603B He reacts. 603C WORKING DUMMY HENRIETTA HEAD ON "FLYING HEAD RIG" 603C AND ASH Henrietta swoops at Ash as he keeps her at bay with the buzzing chainsaw. 603 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 603 STOP MOTION - REAR SCREEN - LOOKING UPWARD AT HENRIETTA'S HEAD She opens her mouth impossibly wide, exposing those nasty rows of jagged shark like teeth. She dive bombs him. 603P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - BART-O-FLEX 603P Plate for previous scene. 604 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD AND ASH 604 As her head springs down into frame and halts suddenly inches from his face. In the silence we hear the reason: Annie's voice singing the same melody that her mother had sung to her earlier from the cellar. For a moment Henrietta's face loses its evil malice. She is confused at this sound. Henrietta halts. She spins her head toward Annie. 605 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 605 As she finishes the melancholy song. 606 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA 606 MAGIC BLADE AND GUIDE TRACK RIG Still confused, suddenly she shrieks and the chainsaw comes buzzing through her from behind. The spinning blade juts out from Henrietta's midsection. 607 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND HENRIETTA 607 BODY PARTS ON WIRES Body parts (2 arms) fly past the camera on wire. Ash slices and dices. Henrietta screeches like a wild banshee. 608 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD AND ANNIE IN B.G. 608 As Pee Wee Head spins toward Ash, furious. HENRIETTA Swallow your soul! 609 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 609 Swings his chainsaw arm in a sharp arc. 609A ANGLE - HENRIETTA 609A Henrietta's head is sliced from her neck with a chainsaw. Steam pours from her neck. 610 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD - OVERCRANKED 610 As it flies up into frame, sliced from its neck. 610A ASH 610A As he completes the arc of the chainsaw. 611 CLOSE SHOT - DUMMY HENRIETTA PEE WEE HEAD 611 W/ SMALL SECTION OF NECK As it hits the floor. 612 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA'S BODY 612 It's neck spouts steam, wagging about like a snake. Behind her Annie watches as the body topples to the floor. 613 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 613 He looks down. 614 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD SCREAMING AT HIM: 614 HENRIETTA'S HEAD Swallow your soul! Swallow your soul! Ash's foot steps down upon her head, pinning it to the floor. Her neck still writhing. 615 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 615 He unsaddles his sawed off shotgun from the holster on his back. He points the barrel at her head point blank. ASH Swallow this. He pulls the trigger. BLAM! Flame barks from the gun. 616 3 CAMERAS - CLOSE SHOT HENRIETTA AND GUN BARREL 616 (OVERCRANKED) GELATIN HEAD - SQUIB Her head explodes into a million pieces. 617 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 617 Annie is crying. Ash holsters the gun. ASH May she rest in pieces. 618 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 618 As they look at each other for a quiet moment of relief. Ash shuts off the chainsaw. Annie moves slowly to Ash's arms. He holds her. 619 CLOSER - ASH AND ANNIE - MAIN ROOM - KITCHEN IN B.G. 619 They pull apart and look into each others eyes. Annie holds the pages. Maybe they can get away after all. A LOUD BOOMING echoes throughout the cabin! As though the outside walls of the place were being bombarded by cannon balls. The kitchen wall behind them buckles. 620 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND "D WALL" 620 SQUIB ON MIRROR As the B - board of the wall behind Ash falls away revealing battered logs. The mirror shatters. 621 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND "A" WALL The wall cracks beneath the terrific force of whatever is outside hammering upon it. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! 622 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE - THE SOFA 622 "B" WALL CAMERA TRACKS in on them as they look about in fear. Dust is falling about them. The cabin walls are starting to break apart. There is a tremendous "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" type jolt to the cabin. Ash and Annie stagger for footing. 623 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - BOARDED WINDOW 623 Ash grabs ahold of the window frame to brace himself. 623A CLOSE SHOT - VINES - INT. MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 623A REVERSE ACTION - VINES Vines wrap about the planks which cover the window. 623B MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - BOARDED WINDOW 623B Behind him, the planks in the window are ripped away by finger-like vines. A terrifying tree face on the surface of a giant oak is revealed, as it peeks in through the window at them. 624 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 624 She screams. She turns toward "D Wall" at a loud wrenching sound. 625 MEDIUM SHOT - "D" WALL WINDOW 625 As vines reach in the cabin, tearing away the planks revealing an even more horrible tree face. 626 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 626 TREE PUPPET A tree beats its branches furiously upon the EXT. wall of the cabin. It rips apart the cabin's stone chimney. 627 ANGLE - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 627 TREE PUPPET A second gnarled tree slams its trunk against the rear door of the cabin. 628 LONG SHOT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 628 TREE PUPPET The entire cabin is surrounded by a group of lumbering oaks. All working to get in at Ash and Annie. 629 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 629 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE Annie runs to the writing desk. She flips through the missing pages from the Book of the Dead. Dust from the ceiling drifts down. ANNIE (shouting above the noise) No! I only completed the first of the passages. And that was to make the evil a thing of the flesh! 630 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 630 POV EVIL FORCE As it roars out of the woods, and towards the distant cabin faster than we've ever seen it. 631 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 631 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he runs over to Annie. ASH You didn't finish it?! ANNIE There's still the second passage. The one to open the rift and send the evil back. ASH Start reciting it. Now! 632 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 632 POV EVIL FORCE As it rockets towards the cabin doing 80 mph. 633 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 633 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE Shouting to be heard as she continues reading from the passage: ANNIE Tar-tra Kanda-Estra! Hudsucker Proxy -- Kanda! 634 OMIT 634 634A EXT. CABIN - WOODS - NIGHT 634A The forest at night. Bubbling smoke appears, then flame. Through the smoke, the beginnings of a winding spiral of a cloudlike material. 634AP1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 634AP1 SMOKE AND FLAME - MINIATURE (STUDIO) 634AP2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 634AP2 The rift. 635 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 635 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE ANNIE Aton-Neran-Ofas! 636 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 636 POV EVIL FORCE As it races right up to the front door of the cabin. 637 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 637 MED. SHOT - ANNIE - WIND FAN Reading from the passage. Behind her, the front door rips open and in comes a giant rotten apple head of the evil entity made flesh. A SHRIEKING, BULBOUS BEHEMOTH! 638 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 638 STOP MOTION ANIMATION CLOSE SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN Ash as he witnesses the most horrible sights a man can behold. Ash's black hair streaks white before our eyes. Behind him, two flowers in their pots wither and die in seconds. ASH Finish it! 638P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 638P Plate for previous scene, with dying flowers. 639 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 639 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE - WIND FAN ANNIE Kanda! Samonda Roba Areda Gyes Indy En-zeen, Nos-Feratos - 639A CLOSE SHOT 639A Annie as she gasps. 639B MED. SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (3 SEC.) 639B Annie as she falls to the floor, dead. Jutting from her back is the Kandarian dagger and hanging onto the end of the dagger is Ash's demon hand. 639 C,D,E, OMIT 639 C,D,E 640 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND WINDOW ON "B" WALL 640 ASH No! CRASH! Behind Ash a living tree branch rips through the cabin window! 641 MED. SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN - WRAPPING EFX BRANCH 641 Ash turns suddenly to get away. Too late. The living branch wraps about ASH'S waist and lifts him, screaming, OUT OF FRAME. 642 MED. SHOT - ASH IN GRIP OF TREE BRANCH - WIND FAN 642 Ash is being lifted toward the gaping mouth of rotten apple head. Ash is frantically jerking out his arm in an attempt to start the chainsaw strapped to his wrist. PUTT, PUTT, PUTT. It won't start. As the face of rotten apple head looms close, it opens its terrible mouth, ready to consume him. 643 CLOSE SHOT - ASH IN GRIP OF GIANT TREE BRANCH 643 From inside the creature's mouth looking out. Ash is screaming as he is brought towards its gnashing teeth. PUTT, PUTT, PUTT. His chainsaw still won't start. 643A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 643A Half dead as she crawls to the pages on the floor and gasps out the final sentences. ANNIE Nos-feratos - Amen-non. Ak-adeem! Razin - Arozonia! 643B EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 643B WIDE SHOT - REVERSE ACTION The rift grows more powerful. 643BP PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 643BP The rift. 644 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 644 Sweating and terrified. He draws closer. 645 ASH'S POV 645 The CAMERA tracks in toward the mouth of rotten apple head. It's massive jaw jutts from the head, biting and snapping. Sap-like saliva drips from the orifice. Ash's feet kick at the mouth of rotten apple head, trying to keep it away. Its jaws snap at his shoes. 645A C.U. - ASH'S FEET - PUSHING AT THE GUMS OF 645A RAH'S MOUTH. SNAP! The massive teeth snap together biting Ash's foot in half. 645B C.U. ASH 645B He screams, then looks down to his foot. 645C C.U. ASH'S FOOT - (OVERLARGE SHOE) 645C Missing the leather toe section, he reveals that he still has his toes intact. 646 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 646 As he sharply jerks his arm outward! The CHAINSAW ROARS to life! He raises it high above his head and plunges it forward. 647 WIDE SHOT - ASH AND ROTTEN APPLE HEAD 647 Ash thrusts the spinning chainsaw blade into the single eye of the beast. 648 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 648 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW As it punctures the giant eyeball and then pulls free. Green sauce spouts from the creature's wound. 649 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 649 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he is doused in the green bile. SPLAT! 650 CLOSE SHOT - ROTTEN APPLE HEAD 650 Eyeless, it screams in anger. 650A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 650A With her last gasp. ANNIE ....Kanda! 651 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 651 WIDE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) As the rift pulls in fog and trees that surround the house. 651P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 651P1 SMOKE AND FLAME - MINIATURE (STUDIO) 651P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 651P2 The Rift. 652 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 652 WIDE SHOT As rotten apple head is sucked out the doorway of the cabin. The door slams shut behind it. Its scream echoes off into the distance. 653 OMIT 653 654 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 654 MED. SHOT - ASH Slices through the bracch. 654A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 654A Ash and cut branch fall to the floor. 655 MED. SHOT 655 The cabin becomes much more quiet. The sounds of the trees are gone. Ash looks to Annie. She is dead. Ash moves to her, strokes her hair and begins to cry. ASH You did it. By God you did it. He lowers his head and begins to heave in sharp convulsive breaths of despair. 656 - 661 OMIT 656 - 661 662 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 662 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN Behind Ash the front door RIPS open with a TREMENDOUS BLAST. The door is sucked down into the rift. All of the objects in the room are sucked through the open doorway and down into the rift, including the pages of the Book of the Dead. 662P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 662P1 662P2 SECOND PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 662P2 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 662P3 EXT. PLATE/WOODS 662P3 663 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 663 WIND FAN Ash grabs ahold of the kitchen window ledge so as not to be swept outside by the force of the vacuum of the rift. Objects and papers fly past him. 664 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 664 Upon the kitchen window ledge. The ledge tears free. 665 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 665 As he screams, flying backward, towards the open door. 666 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO/PARTIAL SET/ 666 BLUE SCREEN) MEDIUM SHOT - WIND FAN - SAM-O-CAM The open doorway to the cabin. Ash flies towards it and is snagged from going through by the section of ledge that he holds. 666P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 666P 666P1 EXT. WOODS - PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 666P1 667 EXT. CABIN FRONT PORCH - NIGHT (STUDIO) 667 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WIRE RIGGING FOR FLYING His body is horizontal, his feet dangling in air, in the direction of the rift. 668 CLOSER - 668 Ash as he hangs on for dear life. Objects continue to fly past on wires. ASH For God's sake, how do you stop it? 669 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 669 BLUE SCREEN CLOSE SHOT - FLYING RIG The nails in the section of ledge that Ash holds TEAR loose and the ledge SNAPS in two. He spins wildly away from us and towards the rift. 669P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 669P 669P1 EXT. WOODS - PLATE 669P1 670 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUNT) WIRE RIGGING 670 Ash is rocketed through the air, spinning somersaults. 671 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 671 ASH ON FLYING RIG Ash is sucked down into the swirling rift. Like a particle that is swallowed by a deep funnel of draining water. The rift closed behind him. 671P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 671P1 671P2 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 671P2 Plate for previous scene. 672 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 672 ASH ON FLYING RIG We are now within the vortex. A swirling mass of colors and clouds. And nightmarish sound effects. Objects come AT US from the distance and roar past, an uprooted tree, the grandfather clock with its hands winding backwards at an incredible rate, Ash spinning AT US, hand over foot, screaming. The chainsaw still mounted to his wrist. 672P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE VORTEX 672P 673 INT. STUDIO - (STOP MOTION/BLUE SCREEN) 673 ASH The vortex is distorting Ash's features as he is rocketed back through the dark void of time. 673P1 OMIT 673P1 673P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE (STOCK FOOTAGE) 673P2 A wild and rapid pictorial collage of human history winding back from the present through the centuries lasting seven seconds. 674 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 674 WIDE SHOT A hole opens in the air with a sharp CRACKLING SOUND. Ash is spat from this hole and falls downward through frame. 674P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 674P EXT. SKY - DAY 674P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MINIATURE 674P2 SMOKE AND FLAME 675 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 675 MED. SHOT - GROUND - ASH - CAR CRANE - DELTA SHELLS Plunged to the dust. Debris from the demolished cabin rains down around him; his shotgun, the 1973 Delta 88 Oldsmobile and the old grandfather clock. 676 ASH'S POV. - THE RIFT IN THE SKY - MITCHELL 676 As it seals shut, leaving only the blue sky and the sound of tweeting birds. Ash's view of the serene sky changes abruptly as five steel helmets jut into his line of sight. Five armor-clad medieval WARRIORS stand directly over him. 676P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 676P1 676P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MINIATURE 676P2 SMOKE AND FLAME 677 OMIT 677 678 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND WARRIORS 678 As he looks to the warriors above him. The first warrior raises a bloodstained longsword and poises it above Ash's head. WARRIOR #1 Slay the beast! WARRIOR #2 'Tis a deadite! All raise their swords ready for the kill. 679 MED. SHOT - THE WARRIORS 679 Halt as they hear a piercing, high-pitched SCREECH. They turn their heads skyward. 680 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 680 Follows the Warriors' gaze. 681 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 681 (STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) MED. SHOT A "WINGED DEADITE," a female harpy like creature with the tail of a sea horse and man-sized bat wings, enabling it to fly. The screaming beast swoops down towards the warriors and horses. High above, the distant shapes of other Winged Deadites circle. 681P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 681P WARRIORS AND HORSES FOR SWOOP SHOT 682 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 682 (STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN) CLOSE SHOT - WINGED DEADITE She lets out a screaming banshee laugh, while swooping down. 682P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 682P EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DAY 683 WINGED DEADITE'S POV 683 (UNDERCRANKED) - CRANE - WIND FAN As we swoop down toward the warriors and Ash. 683A OMIT 683A 683AP OMIT 683AP 684 OMIT 684 684P OMIT 684P 685 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 685 MED. SHOT - ASH AND WARRIORS As he springs to his feet. With a lightning thrust he reaches behind him. 686 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 686 As he grabs at the gun from its holster. He swings it around front and pulls the trigger. 687 CLOSE SHOT - GUN BARREL - UNDERCRANKED 687 It discharges flame. 688 CLOSE SHOT - DUMMY HEAD OF DEADITE BLOOD SQUIB 688 OVERCRANKED - STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN It explodes. 688P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL 688P EXT. KANDAR SKY 689 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 689 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) WIDE SHOT - WINGED DEADITE The beast continues to flap its wings and fly about a moment before falling to a heap in the dust. 689P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 689P WARRIORS 690 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 690 CLOSE SHOT - WARRIOR #1 As he looks to Ash. 691 MED. SHOT - WARRIORS 691 They follow his gaze. The CAMERA PANS TO Ash. He stands alone on a small pile of rubble clutching his smoldering shotgun. He looks about dazedly. He tries to get his bearings. 692 WIDE SHOT - WARRIORS 692 They falter. Unsure of how to react to this strange man, who a moment before was pronounced a Deadite. From the crowd, the Warrior #1 calls out: WARRIOR #1 Hail he, who has come from the sky, to deliver us from the terrors of the deadites! WARRIOR #4 Hail! WARRIOR #5 Hail! The cry is taken up by all. A line of medieval warriors bow. Then twenty. Then fifty. All remove their helmets and kneel silently in the dust. Somewhere in the distance a DRUM SOUNDS. Ash stands frozen. Terrified, unsure of where or when he is. Knowing only for the present, he is alive. As the wind kicks up blowing dust, Ash strikes a familiar pose. It is the same image of the "Hero from the Sky" that we saw earlier in the film. The strange "jagged edged longsword" is Ash's chainsaw. The CAMERA PULLS BACK from him as a great medieval castle rears up INTO FRAME. It is seen to be the castle of Kandar. The same castle we saw in the beginning of the film. Now, however, the castle is not a ruin, but brand new. As the CAMERA continues to pull back from Ash, the title "EVIL DEAD" appears on the screen acompanied by the distant ROAR of some dying animal: The SCREEN cuts to BLACK WITH A THUNDEROUS BOOM. THE ENDEVIL DEAD II BY Sam Raimi Scott Spiegel SEVENTH DRAFT - May 5, 1986 FADE IN: DE LAURENTIIS ENTERTAINMENT GROUP LOGO FADE OUT. FADE IN: RENAISSANCE PICTURES LOGO FADE OUT. 00 BLACKNESS 00 A sound is building. Like a living wind. A thousand screams in agony. From the blackness, gusts of smoke pull together quickly, forming the Main Title against black: "EVIL DEAD" Then beneath it, the Roman Numeral "II." A SLOW ZOOM brings it toward us. And as the screams reach their sharp crescendo the title zooms through us. FADE IN: 1 ANGLE - STOP MOTION ANIMATION 1 Whisping smoke against a black background. EERIE MUSIC. In the distance, through the smoke, a small object. It fans toward us quickly, filling the frame. It is an ancient skin covered volume, with the outline of a human face on it's cover. This is the Book of the Dead. NARRATOR Legend has it, that it was written by the dark ones: NECRONOMICON EX MORTES; Roughly translated...The Book of the Dead. The face on the cover of the book pulls away from its skin binding and leans toward the camera. EYES on the book blink open and peer at us. It's mouth opens and emits a hideous scream. The CAMERA races into the blackness of the screaming mouth. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 1P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - SMOKE 1P 2 A SPINNING VORTEX - (3 PAINTINGS ON AN ANIMATION 2 STAND) - 12 SEC. PLATE Spiraling downward. NARRATOR To trace the origin of the Book, we must go back...back...to a day when spirits ruled the earth. Wispy shapes of animated ghosts move through this vortex, coming toward the CAMERA with WAILING and MOANING and then are gone. NARRATOR When the seas ran red with blood. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 2P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - ROD PUPPET GHOSTS 2P 3 STOCK FOOTAGE - (OPTICALLY COLOR SEPARATED) 3 A raging ocean of blood. Great waves rise and swell as if before a storm. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was this blood that was used to ink the book. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 4 AN OPEN COPY OF THE BOOK OF THE DEAD - ANIMATION 4 STAND - BLUE SCREEN IN BG Through animation, the blank pages of the Book are scripted in a strange hieroglyphic by an invisible hand. Faster and faster the pages turn on the Book as the blood red ink is scrawled across them. The pages flip furiously until the Book snaps shut, reveal ing its gruesome face on the cover. The book flaps violently away from camera. NARRATOR (V.O.) The Book of the Dead was last seen in 1300 A.D. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 4A OMIT 4A 4AP OMIT 4AP 4B OMIT 4B 4C OMIT 4C 4D OMIT 4D 4P STOCK FOOTAGE - THE RIFT 4P 5 EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DUSK - 4 WARRIORS - 4 HORSES 5 CAMERA panning down to reveal a magnificent newly built castle of stone. Bright banners fly from its turrets. An ox grazes nearby. 4 Warriors on horseback in the BG. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was then that the dark spirits again rose up to battle the living. The ground in front of the castle begins to split apart. A red glow and smoke pour from the growing crevice. Something evil is being unleashed. A strong wind kicks up blowing sand in a furious rage. 5A EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DUSK 5A TRACKING SHOT - ASH Through the blowing silt, a lone figure appears. An image of power and light. His clothing is ragged, and he holds what appears to be a jagged toothed longsword. Two massive columns of stone stand on either side. CAMERA slowly moves closer, but his face is still hidden by the darkness and blowing sands. NARRATOR (V.O.) It is said that a hero came from the sky. A man who defeated this evi and buried the Book in the Castle of Kandar. And there it lay for 700 years... DISSOLVE THRU TO: 6 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY - RUINS 6 As the raging dust storm clears to reveal the same castle which we saw earlier, but now, in a ruined state. It has aged 700 years. The ox is gone. Now only its petrified skeletal remains stand in a weathered heap. NARRATOR (V.O.) ...Waiting. A four wheel drive vehicle roars PAST THE CAMERA and toward the castle. 7 INT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY - (STUDIO) 7 TRACKING SHOT The CAMERA slowly tracks in toward the Book of the Dead as it sits in the darkness of the stone tomb. Next to it rests the KANDARIAN DAGGER, an ancient knife, its handle fashioned from the skull of a weasel. They rest upon a small pedestal covered with cobwebs. Prominently displayed on the stone wall, a bas relief of the "Hero from the Sky" holding his unusual jagged edged weapon. NARRATOR (V.O.) And then... The grinding of rock scraping against rock is heard, and a large stone is swung open on a secret hinge in the wall behind the book. Wind sweeps in through the tomb, along with the blinding light from outside. A sharply silhouetted figure steps in the newly created doorway. The figure lights a torch that he holds, illuminating his face. This is PROFESSOR RAYMOND KNOWBY. An intelligent, grey bearded man in his late fifties. He lowers the cloth around his face that had been protecting him from the sand. He stares at the Book, awestruck. Behind him, two other figures appear in the entrance of the tomb. The first is a large school-marmish woman, the wife of Raymond Knowby, HENRIETTA. She moves to Raymond's side and takes his hand. Immediately behind her is their daughter, ANNIE KNOWBY; twenty-four years old, strong stance and beautiful. Behind her a handsome looking man, ED GETLY, enters the tomb. He moves to Annie's side. They exchange excited glances. The CAMERA PANS down to the Book. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 8 INT. STUDIO - BLACK 8 MED. SHOT - FOG Billowing past the camera in front of a black drape. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 9 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 9 LONG SHOT An old log cabin, built in the valley of a dark forest. A great wind billows fog about the place. NARRATOR (V.O.) Professor Raymond Knowby and his wife, HENRIETTA, brought the book to a small cabin where they could study it undisturbed. 10 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 10 Professor Raymond Knowby sits at a writing desk and transcribes passages from the Book of the Dead. A small framed photograph of his daughter Annie sits upon the table. Behind him, HENRIETTA sits knitting in a rocking chair. 11 CLOSE SHOT - RAYMOND 11 He speaks the phonetic pronunciation of completed sentences into the microphone of a tape recorder. RAYMOND Kanda...Es-trata...Ta-toon...Hazan sobar...Ear-Grets, Gat, ...Nos-feratos ...Amantos...Kanda! The sound of RAYMOND reciting the passages is faded down AS THE CAMERA SLOWLY TRACKS away from RAYMOND and over to HENRIETTA as she rocks back into the darkness and forward into the light. As she rocks forward into the light, she comes into FULL CLOSEUP revealing that her eyes have changed to a milky white. She continues to knit. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 12 INT. STUDIO - BLACK 12 MED. SHOT - FOG Blowing past the camera in front of black drape. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 13 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 13 A dank fruit cellar with shelves of half-rotten preserves. Raymond has his back to the stone wall. He is dictating into the tape recorder, sweating and distraught. RAYMOND It has only been a few hours since I've translated and spoke aloud the first of the demon resurrection passages from the Book of the Dead. The sound of heavy footsteps. Dust drifts down INTO FRAME. Raymond looks up to the ceiling of the cellar. It is also the floor to the main room of the cabin. He watches in horror as Henrietta's silhouette paces the floor above him. And then, the footsteps halt. RAYMOND And now, I fear that my wife has become host to a Kandarian demon. May God forgive me for what I have unleashed onto this earth. 13Y REVERSE ACTION 13Y The milky eyed possessed figure of HENRIETTA jolts quickly into the frame, and shrieks in the voice of a demon! Raymond Knowby screams. He drops the microphone. 13X CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER 13X As the microphone falls atop it. High pitched feed- back screams from the speaker. 13A CLOSE SHOT - RAYMOND 13A Screaming in terror. 13B CLOSER - RAYMOND 13B His fearful eyes fill the screen as the scream continues. 13C EXTREME C.U. RAYMOND'S EYE 13C Darting about wildly and the scream continues. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 14 INT. DARK TUNNEL - DAY 14 ROUNDY-ROUNDY - CAMERA MOUNTED ATOP VAN CAMERA MOVING swiftly down a dark tunnel. A light at the end growing closer. The SOUND of AIR RUSHING BY. The Delta 88 Oldsmobile comes ROARING out of the tunnel with a BLAST of AIR, and the sound of loud rock and roll music. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was one week later that a group of college students came to the cabin. 14A EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT 14A The Delta 88 Oldsmobile parked out front. Fog roars past the place. We faintly hear waltz music from within. The silhouette of a woman sweeps by the rear bedroom window. 14B INT. CABIN - REAR BEDROOM - NIGHT 14B ASH AND LINDA LINDA, an attractive college student, is waltzing in the semi darkness of the bedroom. She wears a "Michigan State University" sweatshirt. She hums melodically to the music as she moves. Around her neck is draped a delicate silver necklace. 14C MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND LINDA 14C A handsome young man, ASH, is playing the waltz music on an old wooden piano. Linda dances behind him. Ash is not a very good pianist, and can only plunk out the melody with two fingers. LINDA Ash, what's that you're playing? ASH Our song. Ash begins to play faster. 14D MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND LINDA 14D As she picks up the tempo, spinning and laughing, until finally Ash moves to her, halting her in mid spin. 14E CLOSE SHOT - LINDA 14E Out of breath, hair tousled across her eyes, she stares deeply into Ash's eyes. Her lips, parted, in a sensual manner. 14F CLOSE SHOT - ASH 14F He returns her stare, lost in her beauty. He pulls her close. LINDA Ow! 14G SHE PULLS AWAY SUDDENLY 14G And looks down to the tiny silver necklace that she wears about her neck. 14H CLOSE SHOT - NECKLACE 14H In its center is a magnifying glass. 14I MEDIUM SHOT - LINDA AND ASH - TULIP CRANE 14I She looks from the necklace to Ash. LINDA I really love it. I'll never take it off. They kiss and now begin to dance together, to the haunting waltz melody that sweeps up upon the soundtrack. DISSOLVE THRU TO: NARRATOR (V.O.) It was in the cabin's cellar that they found the Professor's tape recorder, and the Book of the Dead. 14J INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 14J CAMERA tracks in toward the trap door. It opens by itself as we move down the steps into the blackness. 15 MEDIUM SHOT - INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 15 The CAMERA pans down from the blackness to Ash who finds a shotgun, Raymond Knowby's tape recorder, tapes, the Kandarian dagger and... 16 CLOSE SHOT 16 ...the shattered photograph of Annie Knowby and the Book of the Dead. 17 LONG SHOT - INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM 17 The group of students sit about the fire as they listen to the tape recorder. Coming from the speaker is the voice of Raymond Knowby reciting the demon resurrection passage. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (on tape) Kan Da, Es-trata ta-toon hazan sobar ...Ear-Grets, Gat... 18 MEDIUM SHOT 18 Linda takes Ash's hand. She's frightened. Ash smiles to comfort her. She nervously fingers the silver locket she wears about her neck. 19 CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER 19 PROFESSOR KNOWBY (on tape) ...Nos-Feratos...Amantos...Kanda! 20 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 20 The cabin is in the distance. In the foreground the earth begins to swell, then rips apart as a red glow emanates from beneath. Something evil is being unleashed. NARRATOR (V.O.) One by one, they fell to the possession of the dark spirits. 21 OMIT 21 22 EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA Her eyes pop open. They are bone white. She has fallen to the possession. 22A EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22A ASH AND LINDA Possessed Linda is coming after Ash. Ash back peddles, stumbles and falls. 22B ANGLE - ASH ON GROUND 22B As the Shadow of approaching Linda envelops Ash, he picks up a shovel from the ground. 22C LINDA LEAPS OVER THE CAMERA, TOWARD HIM. 22C 22D LINDA DUMMY 22D Ash swings the shovel, slicing off Linda's head. 22D1 LINDA'S DUMMY HEAD - ON WIRE 22D1 22E ANGLE 22E Linda's head rolls down the hillside and disappears into the darkness. 22F EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 22F ASH AND LINDA Ash buries Linda's headless body. He jams a crude wooden burial cross into the earth of the grave. A bolt of lightning strikes. 22G HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD/CABIN - NIGHT - LONG SHOT - ASH 22G As he runs from the grave site and toward the cabin. 23 OMIT 23 24 OMIT 24 25 OMIT 25 26 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 26 NARRATOR (V.O) One man, Ash, destroyed the Book. Ash enters the cabin. He sees The Book of the Dead and tosses it onto the flames. 27 CLOSE SHOT - MELTDOWN - MAIN ROOM (STUDIO) 27 STOP MOTION ANIMATION A possessed demon begins to wither and melt. Flesh shrinks away from its skull and dissolves to nothing. NARRATOR (V.O.) But the evil that had been resurrected from it, lives on. 28 CLOSE SHOT - BOOK IN FIREPLACE 28 STOP MOTION ANIMATION The Book of the Dead is burned to cinders. The face upon the Book screams as it burns. 29 OMIT 29 29A INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - HIGH SHOT 29A Ash picks himself up from the floor. 29B INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM 29B Ash stands and clutches the necklace of Linda, in sorrow for his loss of her. 29C EXT. CABIN - DAWN - LONG SHOT 29C Ash staggers from the cabin. FADE OUT. 30 OMIT 30 31 EXT. CABIN - DAWN - RECREATION OF THE 31 FINAL SHOT OF EVIL DEAD I We are racing forward. We have taken the POV of an EVIL ENTITY as it glides with dark purpose through a section of woods. It approaches the rear door of the cabin. The door is torn violently open. The next door falls away from us. We approach the front door. SLAM! It jigsaws in two and we are again outside, now in front of the cabin. Ash is seen in the distance. He is staggering away, his back to us as we race at him. He turns suddenly towards CAMERA and screams. 32 EXT. WOODS - DAWN 32 INTERVOLOMETER STOP MOTION/CRANE - SAM-O-CAM The final shot of Evil Dead I has a new ending; an extension. Ash is caught by an invisible grip. "G" force is distorting Ash's face as he is rocketed backwards. He is swept hand over foot through the air. He reaches the edge of the woods and begins tearing through the branches and smaller trees, clearing a path with his body. He finally slams into a large ungiving tree trunk and he is knocked unconscious. 33 WIDE SHOT - LOOKING UPWARD - ASH - DUMMY - DAWN 33 As he falls from the tree branch and plummets towards the earth. 34 ASH'S POV - (CRANING DOWNWARD) - UNDERCRANKED - DAWN 34 A puddle of mud below, which rushes up upon us quickly. 35 MED. SHOT - MUD PUDDLE - ASH 35 As his head splashes down into the muddy water. 36 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - DAWN 36 He lifts his face from the mud, and turns toward us. His eyes have gone white. His skin is now a pale color, his lips, jet black. He is Possessed. A bright edge of morning sunlight moves across his face. He turns his beastly face skyward. 37 EXT. RIDGE - DAY (STUDIO) - MATTE PAINTING 37 LONG SHOT - THE SUN (Miniature) Rising over a mountain ridge. Sunlight streaming through a gaping hole in the parting clouds, in bright shafts. It pours through the trees. 38 MED. SHOT - THE SUN - MATTE PAINTING - MINIATURE 38 Closer on the sun as it looms larger and brighter. 39 CLOSE SHOT - THE SUN - MATTE PAINTING - MINIATURE 39 The frame is filled with the rising sun. 40 EXT. WOODS - DAWN - CLOSE SHOT - ASH - MUD PUDDLE 40 The bright edge of morning sunlight spreading across his face, he lets loose a demonic death shriek. 41 EXT. WOODS - DAY - (STUDIO) 41 EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FACE (STUDIO) DUMMY HEAD - LIQUID EYE CHAMBER - MINIATURE The white in Ash's eyes swirls about, and his pupils change back to their original brown color. 41A EXT. WOODS - DAWN 41A Ash, no longer possessed, collapses into the mud puddle, unconscious. 41B EXT. WOODS - DAY - REVERSE ACTION - FOG - 3 ANGLES 41B Streams of morning sunlight pierce the darkness of the woods. We hear the shriek of demons. The sound of SIZZLING. A great wind blows back fog into the darker sections of the woods. The scene grows brighter and the peaceful sounds of morning are faded up. DISSOLVE THRU TO: 42 EXT. WOODS - DAY 42 WIDE SHOT - ASH As he lies unconscious. Time passes. 43 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - CRANE - UNDERCRANKED 43 His eyes open. They stare blankly up at the sky. Then fear registers and we CRANE BACK QUICKLY, revealing a vast area of empty woods around Ash. 44 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 44 He sits up slowly into frame, looking fearfully about. 45 ASH'S POV 45 Panning the battered cabin and sections of the woods. All is peaceful. The sound of birds tweeting. 46 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 46 ASH (V.O.) It's gone. He looks up to the sky. 47 EXT. RIDGE - DAY - (STUDIO) - MATTE PAINTING 47 LONG SHOT - THE SUN - LATE AFTERNOON Just above the horizon. ASH Sun's driven it away... for now. Gotta get the hell out of here... before night falls. 48 OMIT 48 49 OMIT 49 50 OMIT 50 51 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 51 As he nods to himself, then suddenly glances up beyond the CAMERA. 52 EXT. CABIN - DAY - MITCHELL CAMERA 52 ASH'S POV - THE CABIN A perfectly normal log cabin with one exception; superimposed over the front of the place is... 52P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - (BLACK STUDIO) 52P MITCHELL CAMERA A hideous human skull with living eyeballs that stare out at us with evil malice. The eyes stare out from the two dark windows. The dark nose area is the open doorway, and the rotted teeth of the skull are the whitewashed stones placed at the foot of the cabin. Then it fades, leaving only the cabin. 53 EXT. WOODS - DAY - WIND FAN 53 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - MUD PUDDLE He shudders uncontrollably as he picks himself up from the mud. Ash MOVES INTO A CLOSE UP. His eyes shift back and forth like a trapped animal as he looks about for a means of escape. He spots something. 54 EXT. CABIN - DAY - ASH'S POV 54 THE DELTA 88 OLDSMOBILE Parked in front of the cabin. 55 EXT. WOODS - DAY 55 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He shifts his glance from the car to the road. 56 EXT. ROAD - DRIVEWAY TO CABIN - DAY 56 A narrow dirt road cutting through the woods. Then, the Delta 88 roars down it, and past the CAMERA. It kicks up dust and gravel. 57 INT. DELTA 88 - DAY 57 (CAR MOUNT) Ash is driving. He wipes the mud and blood from his face with a rag. As he pulls the rag away, his face forms a sudden look of horror as he sees: 58 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY (STUDIO MINIATURE W/BACKDROP) 58 CAR'S POV - TRACKING SHOT - STOP MOTION ANIMATION A GIANT STEEL HAND LOOMS towards us. It is the twisted remains of the steel and wood bridge that crossed a great mountain chasm. A LOUD SCREECH of brakes is heard on the soundtrack on this cut. 59 EXT. BRIDGE SIDE I - DAY 59 MEDIUM SHOT - DELTA 88 - PARTIAL BRIDGE SET As it pulls to a halt. Ash steps quietly from the car. He looks at the bridge. 60 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY (STUDIO MINIATURE W/BACKDROP) 60 ASH'S POV - BRIDGE A sign hangs from the twisted girders. It reads: "DANGEROUS BRIDGE - 2 TON WEIGHT LIMIT - CROSS AT OWN RISK." Beyond this we see the twisted remnants of the former bridge and the rock cliffs far away on the other side. 60A EXT. BRIDGE SIDE I - DAY - MITCHELL CAMERA 60A FROM RAVINE, LOOKING UPWARD AT ASH AND DELTA (5 FRAMINGS) Ash gapes at the uncrossable chasm. 60AP TWO CLIFF EDGES - (STUDIO) - MINIATURE 60AP 61 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY 61 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He is stunned at the sight. His only escape, gone. He looks from the bridge to the West. 62P1 PLATE FOR FOLLOWING SCENE 62P1 ASH'S POV - LONG SHOT - MOUNTAIN RIDGE - INTERVOLOMETER The sun is now resting on the horizon. Lower than it was before. It is BLOOD RED, and sets in the course of seven seconds. 62 INT. STUDIO (BLUE SCREEN) 62 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - PULLING BACK To reveal Ash as he looks from the sunset, to the ruined bridge, to the road behind him. He moves in halting steps, not knowing which way to turn. Ash opens his mouth, draws in his breath, and just as he begins to scream, we CUT TO: 62P2 OMIT 62P2 63 EXT. BRIDGE - TWILIGHT - POV OF EVIL FORCE 63 3 CAMERAS - BREAKAWAY TREES As it rises up from what appears to be the mountain chasm and reveals the opposite side of the twisted girders which form the "Giant Hand." It spots Ash immediately beyond. It moves swiftly towaad him. Ash looks up, sensing the evil and darts into the Delta 88. The FORCE moves through the twisted girders, pushing them away violently and races towaad the car. The Delta starts up and peels off. The Evil Force just misses it. The car doesn't have the room to complete the one hundred and eighty degree turn necessary to head back down the road the way it originally came, and is forced into a line of break- away trees which explode into sawdust as the front of the Delta 88 rips through them. The car swerves onto the road, headed back toward the cabin. 64 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT 64 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - CAR MOUNT As the broken bits of tree slam against his windshield. 65 CLOSE SHOT - CAR RADIO/TAPE DECK 65 As the channel switches suddenly to the hard rock song "Journey to the Center of Your Mind" which blares within the car throughout the chase to follow. 66 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT 66 POV - EVIL FORCE - UNDERCRANKED As it gives chase to the Delta. 67 TRACKING SHOT - DELTA - DRAGWAY - UNDERCRANKED - ATV 67 Alongside the car as it barrels along the wooded road. 68 EXT. DRAGWAY - NIGHT 68 TRACKING SHOT - DELTA - UNDERCRANKED - ATV As he drives this wild course. 69 POV - EVIL FORCE - UNDERCRANKED 69 As it begins to gain on the speeding automobile. 70 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT - UNDERCRANKED 70 OVER ASH'S SHOULDER Looking through the windshield, as branches beat and smash themselves against the windshield, obscuring our vision of the "Road" ahead. Our view suddenly clears, revealing a large tree that looms directly ahead. 71 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 71 Swerving the wheel. 72 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 72 ANGLE - DELTA - UNDERCRANKED It swerves and slams into a rotted tree, stopping it dead. 73 INT. DELTA 88 - NIGHT 73 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - UNDERCRANKED As he is rocketed forward from his seat. 74 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 74 ANGLE - FRONT OF DELTA - DUMMY OF ASH As Ash comes ripping through the windshield and past the CAMERA. 74A ASH'S POV 74A As he approaches the ground with a great velocity. 74B MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 74B As he slams into the earth with a rain of glass. He moans and gets to his feet. 75 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 75 POV - EVIL FORCE - BREAKAWAY TREES As it sweeps down out of the woods, pushing over trees, and approaches the Delta. Steam pours from the hood of the car. 76 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 76 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he runs. His face is cut and bleeding. 76A ANGLE - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 76A As he runs toward the cabin. (Actually he is running in place in the rear of a camera car that is slowly backing away from the cabin.) The more he runs, the farther away from the cabin he gets. 77 POV - EVIL FORCE 77 IMO CAMERA MOUNTED ON LONG POLE AND TRUCK - 3 DELTAS "RAM-O-CAM" It approaches the rear of the Delta, rips through the back window, moves through the car's interior, music still blasting, and bursts out the remains of the front windshield. We move through the steam of the radiator and approach Ash as he runs for the cabin. 78 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 78 As he runs toward the cabin not making much progress as though caught running in a nightmare. He shakes his head "No." 78A CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET AS THEY RUN 78A 79 ANGLE - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 79 Now closer to the cabin. (Again, Ash is running in place in the camera car as it slowly backs away from the cabin.) 80 POV - EVIL FORCE 80 Now quickly gaining its lost ground. Just a few feet behind Ash. 81 EXT. CABIN - LOCATION 81 SIDE SHOT - ASH As he runs up the porch steps to the cabin. 82 EXT./INT. CABIN - LOCATION 82 POV - EVIL FORCE We race into the cabin, splintering the hall door which Ash had swung shut. Ash retreats into the rear hallway, and swings the hallway door shut. We race right up to the door and it shatters into many pieces as we glide forward. 83 INT. CABIN - STUDIO - "MAZE SHOT" - FORCE POV 83 Camera moves through the main room and up to the Hallway door. It shatters in front of us. We close in on Ash as he races down the hallway. We lose him as he swings into the back bedroom of the cabin and slams the door behind him. We rip through this door and enter the rear bedroom, only to see Ash scrambling for the door to the middle bedroom, which we approach and he swings shut in our face. We rip through to reveal Ash scurrying into the Hallway. We follow him through the bathroom, the maze, and back out into the Hallway. We round the corner after him and see that Ash has led us into the main room, but there is not a trace of him. We look about for him, but he is gone. The hallway is bare except for a few dry leaves. 84 INT./EXT. CABIN - LOCATION - POV EVIL FORCE 84 The force begins to pull back with an ever-increasing speed, out the front door of the cabin, and deep into the blackness of the woods. 85 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 85 A static shot of the fireplace. All is quiet. Smoke from the near dead fire wafts up the chimney. We hold on this for a moment. 85A ANGLE - MIDDLE BEDROOM CLOSET - NIGHT 85A A static shot of a closet with it's door half open. The door begins to swing slightly open, revealing a rack of clothes inside. We hold on this for a moment. 85B ANGLE - CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT 85B A writing desk with some papers atop it. They begin to tremble and finally blow away from the light breeze that sweeps through the cabin. The CAMERA PANS down from this desk to reveal a trap door in the floor of the main room. The trap door to the cellar. It is raised up on its hinge an inch or so and in that slight space between the trap door and the floor we see Ash's eyes, looking cautiously about. He breathes a sigh of relief. 86 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 86 The cabin in the distance. Fog rolls past. 87-128 OMIT 87-128 128 A,B,C OMIT 128 A,B,C 129-143 OMIT 129-143 143 A-F OMIT 143 A-F 143FP OMIT 143FP 144-149 OMIT 144-149 149A-J OMIT 149A-J 149K EXT. AIRSTRIP - NIGHT - LONGSHOT - ED 149K Ed Getly stands in the FG and watches as an older style twin engine cargo plane flies over the camera and lands. 149L AIRSTRIP - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - PASSENGERS 149L The airplane rolls to a halt. A man wearing a jumpsuit ties the airplane off and blocks the wheels while a redcap opens the hatch and helps out Annie Knowby. She carries a glass case in her hand as she moves toward us. Behind her five other passengers emerge from the Plane. Ed approaches Annie. ED Annie! ANNIE (smiling at sight of him) Hi. They embrace and kiss. ED How'd everything go on the expedition? ANNIE Terrific. I found the additional pages from the Book of the Dead. ED So you said in the telegram. What condition are they in? She holds out the glass case for Ed to look at. 149M CLOSE SHOT - GLASS CASE 149M Inside are 12 pages from the Book of the Dead. 149N AIRSTRIP - NIGHT 149N TRACKING SHOT - ED AND ANNIE - THEY CONTINUE WALKING ED Haven't aged a day in three thousand years. ANNIE Maybe longer. ED When do we begin the translations? ANNIE Tonight. Is everything all set with my father? ED Should be, but I haven't spoken to him in a week, what with no phone in that cabin. Take us about an hour to get there. They arrive at the parking lot. Two new, sharp looking cheverolets and Ed's old style cheverolet. ED We'll take my car. Ed opens the car trunk. Behind him a redcap pulls up a large steamer trunk on a hand dolly. Ed and the redcap hoist the steamer up into the car's trunk. ED Annie, you hinted in your telegram that your father was on to something with the first part of his translations. What's the big mystery? What has he found in The Book of the Dead? ANNIE Maybe nothing. But just possibly... the doorway to another world? Annie slams the car trunk. 149O OMIT 149O 150 OMIT 150 151 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - W/ ASH - NIGHT 151 CHEVROLET CAR TRUNK CAMERA has taken the POV of the evil force as it glides eerily through the woods, around trees and over rotted stumps. It moves over a rise revealing a clear view of the boarded cabin in the distance. It approaches. It moves to the window, and peering through the cracks in the boards we see Ash asleep in the rocking chair. 152 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 152 Camera begins on hammer, nails, and planking which lay upon the cabin floor. Camera pans to window #1. It is boarded up tight. Camera pans to door. It is repaired. Camera pans to Ash who sleeps in the rocking chair in front of another boarded window. Ash awakens suddenly, sensing something, the shotgun clutched in his lap. He lifts his head and turns to a whispering musical sound. Harp like music. It is coming from the back bedroom of the cabin. 153 MAIN ROOM/MIDDLE ROOM/REAR BEDROOM 153 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he stands and moves cautiously towards the rear bedroom. 154 ASH'S POV - MIDDLE ROOM AND REAR BEDROOM 154 As he approaches the rear bedroom, the music grows louder. As he enters the room he halts his gaze on the old wooden piano. 155 INT. CABIN/REAR BEDROOM - NIGHT 155 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he moves to the piano. The sound is coming from within. Suddenly, the piano begins to play by itself; Ash draws back from it. It plays a waltz. Now the piano music mixing with the harp-like strings. The radiator next to the piano begins to release bursts of musical steam, adding a wind section to this strange orchestra. 156 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 156 As he listens to this haunting version of a waltz melody. He recognizes the music. It is the same music that Ash had played earlier, when Linda was dancing. 157 CLOSE SHOT - PIANO AND RADIATOR 157 As steam spouts from the radiator pipes. As the piano keys depress and release themselves. The melody grows louder. 158 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 158 As he lowers his head. His horror gives way to sadness. From his pocket he removes Linda's delicate silver locket that dangles from the end of a chain. In the locket's center is a magnifying glass. He stares mournfully into the glass. BANG! He looks up sharply toward the main room. 159 OMIT 159 159P1 OMIT 159P1 159P2 OMIT 159P2 159P3 OMIT 159P3 160 OMIT 160 161 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 161 ASH'S POV - SHUTTERS As they rip open, splintering Ash's reinforcements. Wind sweeps in through the place as the curtains flutter wildly. Through the window is a sweeping fog. 162 INT. CABIN MIDDLE ROOM - NIGHT 162 Ash runs through this room and into the main room. He moves to the window and looks out. Wind blowing on his face from outside. 163 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 163 ASH'S POV - THE GRAVEYARD A stark wooden cross marks Linda's lonely grave. 164 OMIT 164 165 OMIT 165 166 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 166 LONG SHOT - CABIN IN DISTANCE - STOP MOTION ANIMATION The tiny figure of Ash can be seen looking off toward this hill. In the foreground is a crude burial cross and a mound of earth. The earth begins to crack and splinter. The wooden cross caves in and is swallowed as the headless corpse of Linda pulls itself to its feet. The HAUNTING WALTZ MELODY sweeps through the night air. 166P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 166P ASH IN WINDOW - MITCHELL CAMERA 167 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 167 CLOSE SHOT - THROUGH THE WINDOW - ASH His eyes, illuminated by a shaft of light, widen in amazement and horror as... 168 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (STUDIO) 168 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) - 3 ANGLES The WALTZ MELODY fills the sound track, and the rotting corpse that was Linda begins to dance, bending and swaying as she sweeps gracefully through the evening fog. A waltz of the dead. The style of dance begins to change. It becomes more primitive. The music changes to a more primal beat. The dance becomes sexually oriented. Erotic, with sharp pelvic thrusts and gyrating hip motions. 168P 3 PLATES FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 168P EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - FOG/WIND FAN 169 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 169 CLOSE SHOT - THRU THE WINDOW - ASH Lost in the horrific beauty, he turns his head to a rumbling sound. 170 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - (REVERSE ACTION) 170 ASH'S POV Linda's DECAPITATED HEAD rolls across the ground and up the hillside graveyard. 171 EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (STUDIO) 171 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) LINDA'S HEAD 3 ANGLES As it leaps through the air and gracefully situates itself atop Linda's neck, she begins to spin, yet her head remains in place, never taking her eyes from Ash. With a sensual twirl and leap, she disappears into the evening mists. 171P 3 PLATES FOR PRECEDING SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 171P EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVEYARD - NIGHT - FOG W/WIND 172 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 172 CLOSE SHOT - THRU WINDOW - ASH His eyes dart about, trying to catch another glimpse of Linda through the fog. 173 EXT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 173 ASH'S POV - THRU WINDOW Linda swings sharply into frame, completing the spin of her dance immediately in front of Ash as the music abruptly halts. LINDA DANCE WITH ME! Linda extends her dead arms towards Ash. 174 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 174 He screams as... 175 EXT. HILLSIDE - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT 175 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S CORPSE (OVERCRANKED) Linda's head rolls off of her neck and tumbles through space. 176 INT. BLACK STUDIO - NIGHT 176 LINDA'S HEAD - ON WIRE As it tumbles through a void of blackness, falling. 177 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 177 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he screams himself awake. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal him sitting in the rocking chair. Ash halts his scream, getting control of himself. He looks to the window that had blown open. 178 ASH'S POV - THE BOARDED WINDOW 178 Still boarded as though it had never been opened. 179 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 179 Reassuring himself. ASH That's all. Just a crummy dr- Linda's decapitated head falls into frame and lands in Ash's hands. 180 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 180 It opens its eyes and looks to Ash. LINDA'S HEAD Hello lover, I came from the other side of your dream to dance with you. 181 CLOSER SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD (BACKWARD MOTION) 181 A four foot long blackened tongue emerges from her mouth like a lashing serpent. 182 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - (BACKWARD MOTION) 182 The tongue enters Ash's frame and forces itself into Ash's mouth. Screaming as he clutches at the head of his former love. The tongue instantly retracts inside her head. 183 CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 183 As it bites deeply into Ash's right hand, drawing blood. 183A MED SHOT - ASH AND LINDA'S DUMMV HEAD 183A Ash stands and rushes across the room screaming, as he tries to rid himself of the head. 183 B-L OMIT 183 B-L 184 OMIT 184 185 OMIT 185 185A OMIT 185A 186 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - ASH AND DUMMY HEAD - LONG SHOT 186 As Ash staggers painfully around the side of the cabin and towards the work shed; Linda's head still clamped to his hand. 187 INT. WORK SHED - NIGHT - LINDA DUMMY HEAD - ASH 187 The door to the place is kicked open, revealing Ash and Linda's head on the end of his hand. It is a room full of sawdust, chains and power tools. Old bones hang from the walls. 187A MEDIUM SHOT - INT. WORK SHED - ASH 187A As he places Linda's head within the vice and tightens it around her, then withdraws his hand. LINDA'S HEAD Even now we have your darling Linda's soul! She suffers in torment! 187B CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 187B As it rips away an old tarp revealing the chalk outline of where a chainsaw once was. 187C CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HEADLESS LINDA BODY 187C Confused. Wondering what has happened to the chainsaw. Behind him, the door to the shed bursts open and in comes the flailing, headless, body of Linda, charging at Ash with the chainsaw buzzing high above her head. Ash is screaming. 187D MEDIUM SHOT 187D Ash grabs a large crowbar and swings it toward the approaching blade. 187E CLOSE SHOT 187E The crowbar hits the bottom of the blade with a shower of sparks, sending the buzzing saw flipping backward. 187F MEDIUM SHOT - HEADLESS LINDA DUMMY - 3 ANGLES 187F The blade of the chainsaw swings upward and arcs back into headless Linda, imbedding itself in her neck. She goes nuts as the chainsaw bites its way into her chest cavity. She spins wildly about the room knocking into shelves as she tries to pull the blade free. She slams against the wall of the shed, and slumps to the floor, the chainsaw still buzzing. 187G MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187G As he is splattered with black bile. He reaches down. 187H MEDIUM SHOT - HEADLESS LINDA 187H As Ash dislodges the spinning chainsaw from her. 187I MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187I As he swings the chainsaw around and poises it above Linda's head. 187J WIDE SHOT - ASH AND LINDA'S HEAD IN VICE 187J From the chainsaw, fumes of blue amoke. Ash turns to the head and falters. 187K CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD IN VICE 187K She is no longer possessed. She looks as she did earlier in the film. A vision of beAuty. She is again Linda, the woman Ash loved. Tears roll down from her eyes. LINDA Please Ash, help me. I love you, please don't hurt me. 187L CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187L Trying to fight his feelings, he knows what he must do. He pumps the throttle on the saw. 187M CLOSE SHOT - LINDA 187M Pleading with him. LINDA You promised me we'd always be together. You swore to me! 187N CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187N Agonized. ASH NO! 187O CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S HEAD 187O Once again fully possessed, and speaking in the voice of the demon. Her eyes again white, her flesh, rotten. LINDA'S HEAD YES! YOU LIED TO HER! YOU LIED TO LINDA! YOUR LOVE WAS A LIE! AND NOW SHE BURNS IN HELL! 187P EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - LINDA'S DUMMY HEAD 187P She opens her mouth and emits a jet stream of bile. 187Q CLOSE SHOT - ASH 187Q As he's drenched in the face. Linda begins to laugh at him in a wild, high pitched squeal. He gains control of himself and steadies the saw. ASH Eat chainsaw. He brings down the spinning blade. And moves past the CAMERA and towards the head. We are left looking at the wall of the work shed upon which we see the stark shadow of the ghastly deed. We hear the sound of spinning steel meeting bone and the screams of a demon. 187R CLOSE SHOT - LIGHT BULB 187R As it is splattered with blood. 187S MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 187S Ash stumbles back into frame and falls against the wall, now lit in crimson. He looks at the off screen carnage in terror. He begins to shake as though in shock. He trembles as he looks down at his hands; they are covered in Linda's blood. He wipes his hands on his pants and shirt, trying to rid himself of it, but only succeeds in painting himself with the stuff. Ash screams a wild scream of fear and despair. It echoes off into the night. 188 CRANE SHOT - EXT. WORK SHED - NIGHT 188 Ash in a confused state as he staggers from the work shed and towards the cabin. Again clutching the chainsaw. 189 INT. CABIN REAR DOORWAY - NIGHT 189 Ash enters through the doorway. He pushes the door shut behind him and halts. We hear a creaking sound. It is coming from the main room of the cabin. He moves in the direction of the sound. 189A ASH'S POV - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 189A TRACKING SLOWLY FORWARD Curtains flutter on the partially boarded windows of the hall. Ash moves slowly past them and towards the main room ahead. The gentle creaking sound grows louder. Ash tosses down the saw and picks up the gun. 189B INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 189B Ash enters from the hallway and turns his head to the sound. 189C MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - ASH'S POV - THE ROCKING CHAIR 189C It rocks back and forth with a definitive motion, halting for a moment at it's pints furthest forward and backward, as if some invisible thing was sitting there and rocking. 189D CLOSE SHOT - ASH 189D He slowly approaches the chair, scared shitless. 189E MEDIUM SHOT - FROM BEHIND THE ROCKING CHAIR 189E The chair rocks in and out of frame in the foreground as Ash takes halting steps towards it. Ash gathers his courage and reaches out his hand to halt the rocking motion. Slowly his hand approaches the chair. Just as his hand goes to touch it, the chair abruptly halts, on its own accord. 190 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 190 In a confused state as he backs away from the chair and into the wall. He turns and comes face to face with himself in a hanging framed mirror. He clutches at his face, trying to reassure himself of his sanity. ASH I'm fine... I'm fine... 191 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM/MIRROR ROOM - NIGHT 191 MEDIUM SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - ASH AND REFLECTION Ash's reflection becomes an independent entity. It reaches out of the mirror and grabs ahold of Ash by his throat. The reflection looks like a Mr. Hyde version of Ash. Sweating and nasty looking. 192 SIDE SHOT - SPLIT SCREEN - ASH AND REFLECTION 192 MITCHELL CAMERA (ASH AS MR. HYDE) The reflection pulls Ash close and speaks to him in an intimate whisper. REFLECTION I don't think we're "fine". We're losing it... starting to slip. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound fine? The reflection tightens its hold on Ash's throat and begins to strangle him. 192P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 192P INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT ASH - MITCHELL CAMERA 193 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - DOLLY 193 Two hands in the bottom of frame, throttling him. CAMERA races back to reveal Ash's own hands on his throat. There is no sign of Ash's evil reflection. Ash has been strangling himself. He realizes this the same moment we do. He quickly pulls his hands away, looks at them incredulously, then to the mirror. 194 OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - INTO MIRROR 194 His reflection is as it should be. 195 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 195 He looks back down to his hands. 196 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 196 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S RIGHT HAND - DUMMY HAND INTERVOLOMETER The bite marks that Linda's teeth have left in the hand stand out sharply. The wound suddenly blackens and spiderwebs it's infection across the entire surface of the hand. 197 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 197 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HAND IN FOREBROUND - MAKE UP BLADDER EFX The hand quivers and shakes, now out of Ash's control. The hand has taken a whitish cast. It's veins throb and pulsate. It is possessed by the evil force. The hand's fingernails grow inches. The wound oozes black fluid. Ash is repulsed. 198 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 198 Ash's demon hand makes a lunge at his face which is countered by his good hand. 199 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 199 He slams the hand to the cabin floor. He screams to the air: ASH You bastards. Give me back my hand. 200 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 200 Wind and fog swirl about the place. Ash's ECHOING SCREAM is heard above the HOWLING GALE. ASH (0.S.) Give me back my hand!! 201 OMIT 201 201A OMIT 201A 201B OMIT 201B 201C OMIT 201C 202 OMIT 202 203 OMIT 203 204 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT 204 Ash rushes into the kitchen and places his hand in the sink. He turns on the faucet. 205 INT. CABIN KITCHEN - NIGHT 205 Cool water runs over Ash's burned hand. Ash rests his head on the kitchen counter and mumbles reassurances to himself. ASH Can't... can't be happening. 206 CLOSE SHOT - THE HAND 206 As the water pours over it. It grabs a plate sitting in the dishwater and reaches up silently out of the sink. 207 MEDIUM SHOT 207 The plate is shattered over Ash's head. The hand grabs Ash's hair and mercilessly slams his head down upon the kitchen counter again and again. Ash punches himself in the face and is sent reeling backwards. He smashes into a cupboard where dishes and plates fall upon him. 208 CLOSE SHOT 208 The hand picks up plates and begins breaking them over Ash's head. Then a bottle. 209 MEDIUM SHOT 209 Ash is knocked unconscious. The hand continues breaking objects over his head. Ash lies unmoving, but still alive. 210 CLOSE SHOT 210 The hand stops as though it senses something. The CAMERA PANS to a large meat cleaver which lies upon the wooden floor. 211 MEDIUM SHOT 211 The hand as it independently crawls towards the meat cleaver. The hand is stopped when it runs out of arm, now anchored by Ash's unconscious body. 212 CLOSE-SHOT - HAND 212 It digs its nails deep into the floorboards and begins to pull... 213 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 213 ... as he is pulled along the kitchen floor. 214 CLOSE SHOT - HAND - GELETIN HAND 214 As it pulls Ash's unconscious body along after it. The hand clutches the meat cleaver when a large knife comes slicing through the demon hand, pinning it to the floorboards. CAMERA pulls over to reveal a revived Ash. ASH Who's laughing now? 214A ANGLE - ASH - COMEDY KNIFE RIG 214A He reaches over with his good hand and pulls a fire engine red chainsaw down from the shelf. He holds the body of the machine between his legs and, with his good hand, pulls the starter cord. The CHAINSAW ROARS to life. The CAMERA TRACKS IN to Ash's sweating face. ASH Who's laughing now!? He lowers the spinning blade of the chainsaw down out of frame and toward the evil hand. Blood flies up into frame. 215 OMIT 215 216 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 216 LONG SHOT We hear the BUZZING of the CHAINSAW as it slices through bone and then falls silent. 217 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT (SIDE II) 217 CRANE The CAMERA cranes down as Annie's car approaches from the distance. It pulls to a halt. Ed and Annie step from the car. 218 ANNIE'S POV 218 A red tow truck with its orange lights flashing is parked there. Painted on it's side is "Jake's Gas N' Go." Jake, a toothless, backwoods, greasemonkey is setting up flares and wooden roadblocks. Annie and Ed approach. ANNIE Excuse me. This the road to the Knowby's cabin? JAKE Thas' right. But you ain't goin' there. ANNIE And why not? 219 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 219 As he reaches in his truck to pull on the headlights. 220 CLOSE SHOT - TRUCK HEADLIGHTS 220 As they snap on. 221 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE, ANNIE, AND ED 221 All stand in the bright glare of the lights as the fog swirls about them. Annie and Ed gape in frightened wonder at what they see. 222 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT - (SIDE II) - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 222 THEIR POV - TABLE TOP MODEL GIRDERS The piercing beams of light illuminate twisted remnants of the destroyed bridge that leads to the cabin. A road sign, similar to the one on the other side of the bridge reads: "Dangerous Bridge - Two Ton Weight Limit". 223 EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT - (SIDE II) 223 CLOSE SHOT - ED AND ANNIE Frightened as they view the wreckage. ANNIE What happened? JAKE Lady, I ain't never seen nothin' like it. ED Terrific. Now what? ANNIE There must be another way in. Another road or something. 224 JAKE, BOBBY JOE, ANNIE AND ED - TWO CAMERAS 224 BOBBY JOE Sure ain't no, road. CAMERA pans over to reveal a brassy southern spitfire of a woman, Bobby Joe. BOBBY JOE Hell you wanna go there for, anyway? Bobby Joe takes a pinch of chewing tobacco and stuffs it into her mouth. She doesn't like Annie and her fancy clothes. She stares at Annie like a cat. 224X MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ED 224X Annie steps forward. She eyes Bobby Joe. ANNIE None of your business. 224Y CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224Y He feigns surprise and pleasantness. JAKE Hey! I just remembered... Yeah, that's right... There is a trail. You could follow Bobby Joe and me. ED That sounds all right. JAKE But, it'll cost ya. ANNIE How much? JAKE Forty Fi... 224A ANGLE 224A Jake looks up suddenly at Bobby Joe who gives a sharp shake of her head. JAKE Hundred bucks. 224B CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 224B ANNIE Tell you what. You take my bags you got a deal. 224C CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224C He glances through the window of Annie's car. 224D JAKE'S POV 224D The tiny case containing the missing pages of the Book of the Dead, and a small handbag. 224E CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 224E Looking back to Annie, a big smile on his near toothless face. JAKE Sure! 225 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 225 A hiking trail winds through the woods. Bobby Joe leads the way with flashlight in hand. She pockets some bills. She is followed by Annie and Ed who carry the glass case containing the missing pages and the handbag. A grunting and sweating Jake brings up the rear, the large steamer trunk on his back. He is cursing under his breath. JAKE Jesus H. Christ! I thought she was talkin' 'bout them two goddamn little pieces! 226 OMIT 226 227 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 227 The wind rushes fog about the place with a fury. A large moon hangs in the night sky. 228 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 228 CLOSE SHOT - EVIL HAND No longer attached to Ash's arm, it still writhes about beneath Ash's foot which pins it to the floor. 229 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - HAND'S POV - EYEMO W/ MOUNT 229 As he grabs the steel wastebasket, dumps out the trash lowers it quickly over the CAMERA, trapping the hand within. 230 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 230 With a note of finality, Ash slams down a pile of books atop the overturned wastecan, to anchor it. The top book's title reads "Farewell to Arms". 231 FIREPLACE 231 Ash raises a red hot fireplace shovel that had been resting upon the coals. He grits his teeth. 232 ANGLE 232 Just out of frame, Ash thrusts the glowing shovel against the stump to cauterize the wound. Red steam hisses up into frame as Ash screams. 233 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 233 He tosses aside the shovel and douses his smoldering stump into a vase of fresh flowers. 234 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 234 Unspooling a roll of duct tape. 235 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 235 He tapes the tablecloth into a makeshift bandage about his wrist. Behind him, the wastebasket silently slides across the floor. 236 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 236 "CLANG"! He turns to see. 237 CLOSE SHOT - THE WASTEBASKET 237 Upon its side. The Evil Hand is gone. 237A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 237A He turns to a "pitter patter" sound. 238 OMIT 238 238P OMIT 238P 239 OMIT 239 240 OMIT 240 241 OMIT 241 242 OMIT 242 243 OMIT 243 244 OMIT 244 245 CLOSE SHOT - HAND 245 It scampers across the floorboards headed for a hole in the wall. 246 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 246 MEDIUM SHOT - ANIMATED HAND (4 SEC.) Same action as above but covered now through animation. 247 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 247 HAND - POV Low angle tracking shot approaching the hole in the wall. 248 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND HAND - SQUIB 248 TRACKING WITH HAND, ASH IN BG He raises the shotgun and FIRES. BLAM! The floor next to the hand explodes. 249 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN THE WALL - SQUIB - EFX. HAND 249 The hand leaps into the hole as a section of wall next to it EXPLODES. Blam! 250 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 250 Ash quickly reloads both chambers of the gun. He tracks the SOUND of the PITTER PATTER as the hand scampers through the sapace behind the wall like a rat. 251 OMIT 251 252 OMIT 252 253 OMIT 253 254 ASH'S POV - WALL - SQUIB 254 The blasted hole at the bottom of the wall. The hand appears, still unhurt, waving and taunting at Ash. 255 CLOSE SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (7 SEC.) 255 As it taunts ASH it inadvertently sidesteps into a rusting mousetrap. SNAP! It springs shut upon the hand. It screams furiously and shakes violently in an effort to get free the from trap. 256 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 256 Throws back his head in a gruff bark of laughter. ASH Ha! 257 CLOSE SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (7 SEC.) 257 The hand throws the trap from itself and raises its middle finger to ASH, flipping him the bird. 258 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 258 He raises the gun, revealing his face as the CAMERA PANS UP with his movement. 259 ASH'S POV - OVER THE GUN BARREL 259 Pointed directly at the hand. But the hand dodges away from the hole, disappearing again behind the wall. The gun continues to track the evil hand's progress through its pitter patter sound. 260 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S EAR 260 The pitter patter ebbs and then peaks in volume. 261 ASH'S POV - OVER THE GUN BARREL - SQUIB 261 Both triggers are squeezed. BLAM! BLAM! A 2nd and 3rd hole are blown in the wall. All is silent. 261A INSERT ASH'S FINGER PULLS THE FIRST, THEN 261A SECOND TRIGGER 261B INSERT FLAME BELCHES FROM THE GUN TWICE 261B 262 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 262 As he lowers the smoking gun. Wondering if he has hit the hand or not. 263 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 263 All is silent for a moment, and then a slight trickle of blood comes dripping from the hole and down the side of the wall. 264 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 264 For the first time feeling victorious. As Ash continues to stare at the hole, his expression changes to one of perplexity. 265 CLOSE SHOT - HOLE IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 265 The trickle of blood has increased to a steady flow, then, even this volume of blood multiplies. It is forced out of the wall with a greater and greater pressure until blood pours from the wall like a fire hose. 266 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 266 Horrified, he spins his glance to the sound of more gushing liquid. He is hit in the face with a geyser of deep red blood. 267 CLOSE SHOT - 2ND AND 3RD HOLES IN WALL - 5 CAMERAS 267 The 2nd and 3rd holes in wall also begin to spew blood in a geyser. The CAMERA PANS over to the 4th of the holes. This, too, is an eruption of blood. The blood changes in color to a black fluid, then yellow, then turquoise. 268 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 268 Screaming as he looks down at his wrist. CAMERA PANS DOWN to it. The severed wrist begins dribbling blood. Then in a burst, it too, erupts in a hellish fire hose. It spouts blood under such great pressure that ASH is driven against the walls of the cabin because of it. 269 MED. SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 269 We follow him as he slams from one wall into another. 270 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - 5 CAMERAS 270 In the midst of his scream, drowning in the blood, it all suddenly stops. The cabin is again deadly quiet. ASH, soaked in blood and shivering, waits. For what, he's not sure. 271 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 271 As he slowly backs away from the walls and sits upon the three legged chair. It shatters beneath him, dumping him on his butt. CREAK!!! ASH turns sharply to the low sound. 272 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 272 The mounted moose head upon the wall. It is in a different position. It turns sharply towards ASH and emits a hideous cackle. 273 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 273 He pulls back in fear, then turns to the sound of more laughter. 274 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 274 The desk lamp on its steel swivel rises and falls in synchronization with its wheezing laughter. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ahhhh ha ha ha ha! 275 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 275 Terrified, he turns to more laughter. 276 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT 276 A line of 12 old books upon the shelf flap open and closed violently as they emit a chorus of sharp laughs. Ash turns. 276A CLOSE SHOT 276A Other books upon the floor laugh. 277 MEDIUM SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER 277 He turns sharply toward us and breaks into an uproariously frightening bout of laughter. 278 WIDE SHOT - ASH 278 The wooden door behind Ash comes to life. It stretches out as though it were elastic with each of its own low and terrible laughs. 279 WIDE SHOT - MAIN ROOM - TRACKING SHOT 279 RIGGING FOR TRAP DOOR, CABINETS, CLOCK Ash and everything in it are having the time of their lives. Ash leads the bunch laughing harder and harder. 279A MEDIUM SHOT - HAND HELD - FRONT DOOR AND ASH 279A KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The room's laughter suddenly stops. Ash instantly terrified, grabs up the shotgun and fires into the door. Blam! Blam! PAN to the front door. Two holes are blown into the door. We hear a short shrill scream and then all is quiet. 280 OMIT 280 281 OMIT 281 282 OMIT 282 282A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 282A Ash opens the front door. It slowly swings inward with a creak revealing the empty night. 283 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND JAKE 283 Ash approaches the front porch as Jake enters sharply into his frame. Jake tackles Ash. 284 MEDIUM SHOT - SHOTGUN 284 As it slides across the floor. 285 MED. SHOT - ASH, JAKE AND ED 285 Ed enters and holds Ash down as Jake slugs him twice. Ash's fist comes up into frame catching Jake on the jaw. Jake pulls back his fist and rockets a piledriver blow to Ash's face, knocking him senseless. 285A C.U. ASH 285A 285B C.U. JAKE 285B 286 MEDIUM SHOT - FRONT DOORWAY - THE GROUP 286 Annie and Bobby Joe enter. Annie is taking off Bobby Joe's coat. Bobby Joe is wounded from the shotgun blast. She holds her shoulder where the shell has grazed her. JAKE You gonna be alright, honey? BOBBY JOE I don't know. JAKE You just sit still fer a minute. 287 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE, ED, ANNIE, AND BOBBY JOE 287 As Jake gives Ash a swift kick in the ribs. Ash moans. Jake turns to Ed, who is badly shaken. JAKE You know this son of a bitch? ED No. We thought her - Annie steps forward. ANNIE Oh my God. Where are my parents? Annie sets down the glass case containing the pages of the Book of the Dead. 288 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 288 As she looks down to the floor. 289 ANNIE'S POV - THE CHAINSAW 289 As it lies in a pool of blood. 290 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 290 Annie runs to Ash's semi-conscious body, grabs his shirt and violently shakes him. ANNIE What the hell did you do to them? Ed pulls Annie off of Ash. She drops Ash's moaning head to the floor and backs away from him, sobbing. 291 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE 291 Nursing his sore knuckles, he points with his elbow to the trap door that leads to the cellar. JAKE We'll throw him in there. 292 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND ASH 292 Jake picks up Ash's body and drags him quickly to the trap door. Half conscious, Ash feebly struggles with Jake. JAKE Crazy buck's gone blood simple. 293 ASH'S POV - HAND HELD 293 As he approaches the trap door almost upside down. Ed pries it open. 294 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - HAND HELD 294 In a dazed state as he is carried to the trap door. ASH Wait... I made... a mistake... JAKE Damn right, you flat mouthed son of a bitch. 294A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND JAKE 294A Jake kicks Ash down into the open trap door. 295 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 295 ASH DUMMY Looking up at the open trap door as Ash's body falls through frame. 296 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 296 CLOSE SHOT - CELLAR STEP - ASH'S HEAD As it slams into the wooden step. His feet tumble over him as he begins to fall down the staircase. 297 LONG SHOT - ASH - STUNT 297 As he tumbles head over heels down the wooden steps. 298 ASH'S POV 298 Racing down the steps. 299 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 299 As he slams to the dirt floor of the cellar. Hard. He moans. 300 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 300 LOOKING UP TO THEM FROM CELLAR Jake, Ed and Bobby Joe. BOBBY JOE I hope you rot down there! 301 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 301 MEDIUM SHOT Ash begins to realize where he is. Growing terror on his battered face. ASH N... No. 302 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 302 ANGLE LOOKING UP Jake swings the trap door shut with a clanging of chains. 303 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 303 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH The shaft of light from above disappears and he is encased in the darkness of the cellar. From above he hears the threading of chains through eyeloops. 304 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 304 MED. SHOT - JAKE, ANNIE, BOBBY JOE, ED Jake has just laid Bobby Joe down upon the couch. He dresses her wound with a towel. Annie tosses down her coat on the chair at the writing desk. 304A MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 304A She spots the tape recorder and Kandarian Dagger. She moves to them. ANNIE These are my father's things. She turns on the tape recorder. High pitched feedback and the professor's screams come from the speaker. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on Tape) Last night Henrietta tried to kill me. ANNIE PROFESSOR KNOWBY SHHH! Listen! (Voice on tape) My father's voice. I know now, that my wife has become host to a kandarian demon. 305 MED. SHOT - JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ED 305 As they turn their heads to the sound of: 306 CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER - TRACKING 306 Still playing, the tapes wind as we hear the wowing and fluttering voice of Raymond Knowby. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) I cannot bring myself to dismember my wife, yet I know that I must, to halt the evil that lives within her. 307 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE - TRACKING IN 307 Horrified. ANNIE No. 308 OMIT 308 309 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 309 MED. SHOT - ASH - TRACKING AROUND HIM As he lays in the center of the cellar's earth floor. He strains his ears to listen to the tape playing in the room above. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) It is October 1, 4:33 p.m. Henrietta is dead. I could not bring myself to dismember her corpse. But I buried her. 310 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 310 TRACKING CLOSER As he listens intently to the tape playing in the room above. 311 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 311 TRACKING SHOT - TAPE RECORDER CAMERA SLOWLY MOVING IN on the winding tape. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) I . . . buried her . . . in the cellar. 312 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 312 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - TRACKING CLOSER Growing horror on his face as he realizes where he is. PROFESSOR KNOWBY (Voice on tape) God help me, I buried her in the earthen floor of the fruit cellar! 313 OMIT 313 314 OMIT 314 315 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 315 ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT - (STOP MOTION ANIMATION) Ash's legs in the foreground. Suddenly from the earthen floor of the fruit cellar a half-rotten human head juts up! Just the eyes are above the surface of the dirt. They dart about wildly and halt upon Ash. Worms crawl from the rotted forehead. 316 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 316 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He screams. 317 MED. SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - MOCK UP OF CELLAR 317 SET Henrietta's arm rips through the earth and grabs Ash's leg as he tries to back away. The corpse that was Henrietta pulls itself from the grave and emits a wail. She turns her twisted body to face Ash. Moths fly about her in a flurry. HENRIETTA Someone's in my fruit cellar! Someone with a fresh soul! 318 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 318 MED SHOT. - THE GROUP All eyes on the trap door. ED Somebody's down there with him. ANNIE No. Can't be. 319 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 319 MED. SHOT - ASH He runs up the steps to the trap door and begins pounding furiously upon it. 320 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 320 ASH Let me out! Let me out!!! 321 MED. SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) - WIND FAN 321 Henrietta lets out a terrible laugh and approaches the wooden staircase. 322 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 322 MED. SHOT - THE GROUP All eyes are on the banging trap door. ASH'S wild screams are coming from beneath. They look at one another, not sure of what to do. Jake holds the ring of keys. ANNIE Let him out. JAKE It's a trick. I know it. ANNIE LET HIM OUT! 323 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 323 WIDE SHOT - ASH At the top of the steps, pounding on the trap door, screaming to be let out. HENRIETTA ENTERS the FRAME at the bottom of the steps. A flutter of moths about her. 324 WIDE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) 324 Henrietta begins to climb the steps. Two at a time. HENRIETTA Come to me. Come to sweet Henrietta. 325 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 325 MED. SHOT - JAKE As he tries one key after another. 326 CLOSE SHOT - KEYS 326 As they are forced into the lock. 327 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 327 CLOSE SHOT - ASH Sweating at the top of the steps, watching as Henrietta approaches. ASH No. 328 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA 328 Extending her rotted and worm infested arm toward him. HENRIETTA Yesssssss. You and I. We shall spend eternity together. 329 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 329 Marie's shadow envelops him. He is petrified. HENRIETTA But first I'll swallow your soul ! 330 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 330 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA - (STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN) With a sharp recoil, then spring, Henrietta makes a lunge at Ash. Her face contorting, her teeth lengthening, her mouth opening impossibly wide as though she were going to swallow his head, and all as she lunges forward. She changes to "Pee Wee" head. 330P INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT - 35MM KODAKCHROME SLIDE 330P Plate for previous scene. 331 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 331 CLOSE SHOT - ASH He screams as a set of bloody hands grab his face. But they are not Henrietta's. He is pulled upward to the main room of the cabin. 332 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 332 CLOSE SHOT It is Jake who pulls Ash to safety. 333 WIDE SHOT - MAIN ROOM 333 Jake finishes pulling Ash up from the trapdoor and onto the floor of the main room. The horrible face of Pee-Wee head Henrietta pops from the cellar! 334 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ED 334 SCREAMING at the sight of the beast. ANNIE For God's sake! That's my mother! 335 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 335 One of Henrietta's rotted hands reach up from the cellar grabbing Jake. 336 CLOSE SHOT - ED 336 As he moves to help Jake, Henrietta swats at his jaw, knocking him backward into a picture frame. He shatters it with his head and slumps to the floor. 337 MED. SHOT - ASH 337 As he moves toward the trapdoor. 338 CLOSE SHOT - (STYROFOAM TRAPDOOR) 338 Ash's foot kicks the trapdoor shut and crushes Henrietta's Pee-wee head between the door and the floorboards. 339 MED. SHOT - DUMMY OF HENRIETTA - PEE WEE HEAD 339 Ash leaps down upon the trapdoor, slamming it to pin Pee-Wee head sideways. The pressure sends her left eyeball popping from her head, like a cork from a champagne bottle. 340 CLOSE SHOT - EYEBALL FLYBALL 340 Henrietta's eyeball and trailing optic nerve - mounted on glass - panning with the eyeball as it sails through space. 341 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE (REVERSE ACTION) 341 As the eyeball is shot into her screaming mouth. She begins to gag on it. 342 WIDE SHOT 342 Jake kicks Marie's Pee-Wee head in the face, sending her back down into the cellar. The trap door shuts. Ash leaps atop it. The sound of Henrietta falling down the cellar steps is heard along with the beast's wild ravings. Ash quickly threads the chains through the eyeloops. 343 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 343 He snaps the lock shut. Ash is shaking. Jake slowly moves down into his frame. He is completely terrified. 343A CLOSE SHOT - TAPE RECORDER IN F.G. 343A ASH, JAKE, ANNIE AND BOBBY IN B.G. The tape recorder continues to play. RAYMOND KNOWBY (V.O.) (Voice on tape) I fear that whatever I have resurrected from this book, is sure to come calling for me. 344 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 344 (SHAKI-CAM) The CAMERA takes the POV of the Evil Force as it glides through the woods. Over a stump, around the Oak trees, through a patch of fog, as the cabin comes into view. 345 OMIT 345 346 MED. SHOT - ANNIE, ASH, JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ED 346 Ash turns to the group, Annie is placing her wet bandana atop Ed's forehead. ASH There's something out there. That... witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives out in those woods. In the Dark. Something that's come back from the dead. 346A OMIT 346A 346B OMIT 346B 346C OMIT 346C 346D OMIT 346D 347 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE 347 Interrupting Ash. BOBBY JOE Jake, let's beat it the hell out o'here, right now. I gotta get out! JAKE Now Bobby, you ain't in no condition. ASH Nobody goes out that door. Not till daylight. 347A THE GROUP 347A They freeze in their tracks as they hear a gentle voice which sings a melancholy tune. Annie turns her head to the sound and the CAMERA PANS TO reveal HENRIETTA whose head juts in the space between the floorboards and the trap door. She is no longer possessed. She looks as she did earlier in the film. She is singing a gentle song to Annie. 347B CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA 347B HENRIETTA Remember that song Annie? I used to sing it to you when you were a baby. 347C CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 347C Uncertain of what to do, but wanting to believe. HENRIETTA Let me out, dear. It's so cold and dark in here. ANNIE Mother? HENRIETTA Unlock these chains. Quickly. 347D MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 347D Annie starts to follow the instructions, but Ash halts her gently. He shakes his head. Annie snaps out of it. She shakes her head and looks to the cellar. ANNIE No. No. I don't know what you are but you're not my mother. Annie begins to cry. 347E CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR 347E Henrietta is crying also. VOICE OF HENRIETTA How can you say that to me Annie? ANNIE No! VOICE OF HENRIETTA You were born September 2nd, 1962. I remember it well because it was snowing. So strange that it would be snowing in September. 348 CAMERA TRACKING IN ON ANNIE 348 Confused and tearful, she screams to the others in the room. ANNIE That thing in the cellar is not my mother! Ed stands sharply into her frame. His eyes bone white, his skin, the pale color of the dead. His mouth has grown over large. His lips are black. He is possessed. He shrieks. Annie screams and jumps back out of frame. 349 MED. SHOT - ED POSSESSED 349 RIGGING - REVERSE ACTION He flies up into the air and writhes about as if he were a human marionette. He lets out a demonic moan and then begins to laugh. 350 MED. SHOT - BOBBY JOE AND JAKE 350 As they clutch in fear at one another. 351 MED. SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 351 As they look on in horror. Ash steps in front of Annie as she gapes at this monstrosity that was Ed. 352 CLOSE SHOT - ED POSSESSED 352 RIGGING As he floats about the room. His laughter suddenly stops and a second demonic voice comes from his body. It is female, and wailing in lament. 353 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 353 Watching in horror. 354 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED RIGGING - UP AND DOWN The body of Ed turns sharply toward the group, not really seeing. ED (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) We are the things that were. (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) And shall be again! HA HA HA HA HA! (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) Spirits of the book. (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) We want what is yours! LIFE! As he floats about, his head dips and swoons. ED (In the voice of POSSESSED #1) Dead by dawn! (In the voice of POSSESSED #2) Dead by dawn! 355 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA POSSESSED 355 Sticking her gnarled head from the cellar. HENRIETTA Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn! 356 WIDE SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE IN FOREGROUND 356 RIGGING - DOLLY CART Ed floating, turns his head sharply to Bobby Joe. The Possessed body of Ed rushes through the air towards her. He opens his mouth wide open. 357 ED'S POV 357 As he quickly rushes upon a screaming Bobby Joe. 358 CLOSE SHOT - ED AND BOBBY JOE 358 He bites into Bobby Joe's head. With a single motion he rips out the bulk of the hair from her head with a terrible RIIIIIIIIP SOUND. 358A MEDIUM SHOT - ED DUMMY 358A Stands up into frame with a clump of Bobby Joe's hair in his mouth and swallows it. 359 WIDE SHOT - GROUP 359 Bobby Joe collapses to the ground. 360 MED. SHOT - HENRIETTA POSSESSED 360 As she calls from the cellar. HENRIETTA Free me! Unlock these chains! 361 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED 361 He turns to the trap door and moves toward it. 362 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 362 Both horrified. Ash retreats. Annie is shocked as she watches Ash back into the middle bedroom and disappear. 363 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 363 ANNIE Where are you going?! HELP US!! You filthy COWARD! 364 ANGLE FROM TRAP DOOR - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE 364 Possessed Ed moves toward the trap door. Jake comes up quickly behind Ed to grab his shoulder. 365 JAKE'S POV - DUMMY OF POSSESSED ED 365 As Jake's hand reaches for the shoulder of possessed Ed. The head of possessed Ed spins around on its neck so that it faces Jake. 365A CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ED 365A ED (In the voice of a woman) We see you! 366 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 366 Screaming as Ed's hand enters frame, and snags Jake's face. He tosses Jake upward. 367 CLOSE SHOT - ED POSSESSED 367 As he tosses Jake upward. 368 HIGH-WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE STUNTMAN 368 REVERSE ACTION - UNDERCRANKED Jake flies upward towards the ceiling of the cabin. 369 INT. CABIN CEILING - NIGHT (CEILING SET PIECE) 369 MED. SHOT A prop light bulb "Shining" in its fixture. Jake's head comes flying up into frame, shattering it, and slamming into the wood ceiling and then falling back down again. 370 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 370 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED AND JAKE STUNT MAN As Jake slams back down to the floor of the cabin. 371 MED. SHOT - ASH 371 As he reappears in the doorway of the room. Now he clutches an axe in his single hand. 372 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED 372 As he grabs the chains that secure the trap door ready to rip them loose. He turns his head to see: 372A OVER POSSESSED ED'S SHOULDER 372A Ash approaches with the axe. 373 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE AND OFF SCREEN 373 DUMMY OF ED Ash exits the frame and we are left with Annie and the stark shadow of possessed Ed which is cast upon the wall behind her. We watch as the shadow of Ash with the axe, slices through the top portion of possessed Ed's head. Annie screams as she is splattered with green bile. 373A CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ED DUMMY 373A Missing Ed's right hand portion of his head. His brain, shriveled like the inside of a pumpkin. 373B POSSESSED ED'S POV - ASH - EYEMO CAMERA AND MOUNT 373B Ash stands before us, his axe dripping green bile. Ed's arms flail wildly on either side of the camera, groping at the air. He slowly falls over and slams to the floor. 374 OMIT 374 375 OMIT 375 376 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED (FRAMED WITH AND W/O HEAD) 376 Ed's body falls to the floor. It lays quiet for a moment and then begins to writhe and scream in its demonic death throes. Finally, he is silent. 377 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE - POSSESSED ED DUMMY 377 Ash turns to her. ASH Start up that saw and hand it here! We're gonna cut him up. Annie looks to the chainsaw and then to the unmoving body of Ed. She is repulsed at the thought. ANNIE No. ASH START IT UP! ANNIE NO! Possessed Ed stands up quickly into frame! The evil force having re-animated his lifeless body. 377A CLOSE SHOT ASH - OVER POSSESSED ED'S SHOULDER 377A FLYING PLATFORM As a hand grabs Ash's throat. Possessed Ed exits frame, revealing it to be Ash's evil hand on his own throat. It lifts him into the air. 377B CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET 377B As they are lifted off the floor. 377C CLOSE SHOT ASH 377C He pries the evil hand from his throat and falls. 377D ASH/EVIL HAND 377D As he slams to the floor the evil hand scurries away in the B.G. 378 OMIT 378 379 OMIT 379 380 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED DUMMY AND ANNIE 380 Annie is screaming in horror. Possessed Ed backhands her across the face. 381 MED. SHOT - WRITING DESK 381 Annie slams into a desk shattering it to splinters of wood. She falls to the floor. 382 MED. SHOT - ASH 382 As he grabs the axe. 383 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ED - DUMMY 383 As he stands sharply into frame. His mouth wide open and screaming. 384 MED. SHOT - ASH AND POSSESSED ED 384 Terrified, as he moves toward possessed Ed with the axe. 385 MED. SHOT - ASH AND POSSESSED ED DUMMY 385 RUBBER AXE Ash brings the axe down upon Ed's shoulder, knocking him to the floor. ASH swings the axe again and again. Different colors of bile and blood fly up into frame as Ash chops. 385A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 385A Screaming at the sight. 386 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 386 His axe blade rises and falls as black demon blood flies up into frame. 387 CLOSE SHOT - LOW ANGLE - FLOOR LEVEL 387 ASH AND ED DUMMY PARTS Ed's missing portion of his head sits upon the floor. His eye in extreme C.U. in the foreground. It looks wildly about into the CAMERA. In the background, we watch Ash bring down the axe until all is silent. 388 WIDE SHOT 388 Jake slowly stands into the empty frame. He is in shock from what he has just seen. Annie slowly rises into frame - shaking her head in a silent "No." Ash slowly rises into frame, terrified. They are looking down at the out-of-frame remains of possessed Ed. 388A OMIT 388A 389 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - MITCHELL 389 The moon has grown larger. Fog billows past the cabin. 389P EXT. NIGHT - THE FULL MOON 389P 390 OMIT 390 390A MAIN ROOM NIGHT - ASH, JAKE, BOBBY JOE AND ANNIE 390A Jake sprays a can of air freshener about the room. He holds his nose. Ash tosses a bloodied sheet, containing the remains of possessed Ed to the floor. It lands with a sickening thud. Wiping his face with a rag, Ash moves off in disgust. We hold on the bundled sheet as the trap door next to it silently opens. Henrietta's rotted hand emerges, unnoticed by the others in the room. BOBBY JOE Jake, I can't take no more of this. Henrietta's rotted hand pulls the bundle of body parts silently down into the cellar and quietly closes the trap. 390B MEDIUM SHOT JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 390B Jake moves to the window and looks out. JAKE That's funny. BOBBY JOE What? JAKE That trail we came in here on... well, it just ain't there no more. Like the woods jus' swallowed it. The room goes quiet. The sound of the wind outside the cabin has died. Jake and Bobby Joe cock their heads to this new silence. 391 OMIT 391 392 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 392 She looks about the room, getting scared. ANNIE It's so quiet. Ash stands slowly into frame. He knows that it can't be good. 393 WIDE SHOT - THE GROUP 393 As they raise their heads to a distant pounding sound. It grows louder. BOOM - BOOM! BOOM - BOOM! JAKE What the hell is it? ASH Maybe something... Something trying to force its way into our world. BOOM! BOOM! BANG! BAM! 393A EYEMO CAMERA/MITCHELL CAMERA - GROUP 393A The cabin WALL. Bang! 393B THE FRONT DOOR - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393B 393C THE BOARDED WINDOW - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393C BANG! 393D THE CEILING BEAMS - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393D BAM! 393E A SECTION OF WALL - GROUP - EYEMO/MITCHELL 393E 393F A SECTION OF THE TONGUE AND GROOVE FLOOR 393F EYEMO - MITCHELL - GROUP BAM! 393G ASH - C.U. 393G 393H JAKE - C.U. 393H 393I ANNIE - C.U. 393I 393J BOBBY JOE - C.U. 393J 394 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 394 Bobby Joe runs to Jake's arms. He clutches her tightly. 395 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 395 Annie runs to Ash. He holds her. The pounding sounds halt. Again they are left in silence. Annie awkwardly disengages herself from Ash. They hear a sound coming from the middle bedroom. BOBBY JOE It's in there. 396 MEDIUM SHOT - DOOR TO MIDDLE BEDROOM 396 It is opened a crack. 397 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 397 ASH We'll all go in together. JAKE Hell no, you're the curious one. 398 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 398 He moves toward the door. ANNIE I'll go with you. Ash nods to Annie in a show of thanks. He grabs the axe, and pushes open the door to the middle bedroom. Annie follows with the flickering oil lantern. 399 INT. MIDDLE BEDROOM - NIGHT 399 The door to the main room creaks open. Ash and Annie cautiously enter. They look about the place. 400 ASH'S POV - MIDDLE BEDROOM - NIGHT 400 As the CAMERA PANS the shadowed corners of the room. 401 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 401 An eerie whistling wind is heard. It has an other worldly sound, very far off. 401A MEDIUM SHOT - DOORWAY TO MIDDLE BEDROOM 401A Bobby Joe and Jake enter the room, drawn by the sound. 401B CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE 401B She looks about, frightened. 401C OMIT 401C 401D MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 401D Jake takes Bobby Joe's hand. Bobby Joe smiles, frightened. 402 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 402 Waiting. 403 MEDIUM SHOT - PANNING THE DARK ROOM 403 As the eerie whistling sound grows louder. It is followed by the angry sound of something moving violently about the room. A shattering of glass. 404 OMIT 404 405 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 405 WOOOOOSH! The group is hit with a tremendous blast of air. They shiver from the cold. 406 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 406 The wind in the room suddenly stops. He blows out his breath and watches it vaporize. The screaming face of Raymond Knowby emerges from the wall. A life like spirit made of swirling smoke and mist. RAYMOND Annie. 406P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 406P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 407 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 407 They turn to the ghost in fear. 408 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 408 Awestruck. Bobby Joe crosses herself. JAKE Holy Mother O'Mercy. 409 OMIT 409 410 OMIT 410 411 OMIT 411 412 OMIT 412 413 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GHOST OF RAYMOND 413 RAYMOND There is a dark spirit here that wants to destroy you. Your salvation lies in the pages from the Book of the Dead. The ghost of Raymond points to Annie's glass case. CAMERA PANS to it. Inside are the pages from the Book. 413P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 413P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 414 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 414 Listening. 415 ANGLE - THE GROUP AND THE GHOST OF RAYMOND 415 RAYMOND Recite the passages. Dispel the evil. Save my soul... And your own lives. The ghost of Raymond screams and is gone. 415P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 415P BLACK STUDIO - RAYMOND 416 MEDIUM SHOT - THE GROUP 416 Whoosh! Again they are hit with a blast of air. 416A MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND BOBBY JOE 416A BOBBY JOE Jake, you squeezing my hand too tight. JAKE I ain't got your hand, baby. BOBBY JOE Then who...? Bobby Joe raises her hand into frame, to reveal Ash's Evil Hand clutched in hers. Bobby Joe goes nuts, screaming and flailing about trying to throw the hand from her. She slams into the lantern, knocking it out. We lose them in the darkness. JAKE'S VOICE Somebody get the light! The sound of chairs being pushed over. The sound of a door opening and closing. 417 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 417 As he lights the lantern illuminating the room. CAMERA PANS over to reveal only Jake and Annie. 418 CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 418 Looking about. JAKE Hey. Bobby Joe's gone! 419 OMIT 419 420 OMIT 420 421 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 421 Screaming, Bobby Joe makes a mad dash away from the cabin. It diminishes in size behind her, she has had enough of it. 422 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - DRAGWAY 422 MEDIUM SHOT - BOBBY JOE - TRACKING As she races through the woods. 423 CLOSER - JONES' CREEK 423 She runs deep into the woods, still looking behind her as she slams into a twisted oak tree that stops her flat. An angry face appears on the surface of the tree. Its gnarled bark folds open to reveal very human like oversized eyes. A large fold in its bark opens to form a gaping mouth dripping tree sap saliva. TREE FACE BAHHHH! 423A CLOSE SHOT - TREE FACE 423A 424 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE - (REVERSE ACTION) 424 JONES' CREEK Screaming as she backs away from this living tree as a flurry of snake like vines pick themselves up off of the ground and come to life about her. 425 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE'S LEGS - (REVERSE ACTION) 425 JONES' CREEK Two living vines wind their way toward her legs and coil around her ankles tightly. 426 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE - JONES' CREEK - 4 RIPS 426 She lets out a short shrill scream, as her shirt is torn away from her. 427 MED. SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 427 Living vines wind around Bobby Joe's torso and breasts in a furious wrapping motion. 428 CLOSE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 428 A living vine wraps around her throat. 429 CLOSE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) JONES' CREEK 429 Tiny vines wrap around Bobby Joe's hand and fingers. 429A EXT. JONES CREEK - NIGHT 429A SHOTS OF VINES COMING TOWARDS CAMERA 430 MED. SHOT - RIGGING - STUNT 430 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK Bobby Joe, wrapped in vines, is reeled backwards and ripped through a wall of branches. 431 MED. SHOT - PANNING - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT 431 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK At a great speed, Bobby Joe is pulled away from the cabin and towards the forest by the vines. 432 BOBBY JOE'S POV - OVER HER LEGS - RIGGING EFFECT 432 STUNT - UNDERCRANKED - REVERSE ACTION - DRAGWAY As the vines rocket her on a speeding FAST MOTION joyride along the forest floor. 433 CLOSE SHOT - BOBBY JOE'S FACE 433 RIGGING EFX - DRAGWAY As she drags along the forest flctor, the smaller vines force their way into Bobby Joe's nose and mouth and then under the first layer of her facial skin. 433A TRACKING SHOT - DRAGWAY - DUMMY AND STUNT 433A She is pulled along the ground and down into a foxhole (dummy). Camera continues tracking along her original trajectory until we come to the second foxhole where she emerges, now covered in mud, and screaming. 433B ANGLE - DUMMY - JONES' CREEK 433B Bobby Joe rips through spikes extending from a log and is dragged through two mud puddles. The vines wisk her away. 434 EXT. SWAMP - NIGHT 434 PANNING SHOT - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT She hits a swamp with a giant splash, but even this does not stop her. 435 LONG SHOT - SWAMP 435 ROOSTERTAIL WATER SPRAY EFX - STUNT She glides across the surface of the swamp with a great roostertail spray of water, as if she were on water skis. 436 ANGLE - RIGGING EFX - STUNT - SWAMP 436 She hits the other side of the swamp and is rocketed out of the water and across the forest floor. 437 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - JONES' CREEK - DUMMY 437 STATIC CAMERA - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT - UNDERCRANKED Bobby Joe comes roaring towards us, screaming. She rips past. 438 STATIC CAMERA - RIGGING EFFECT - STUNT 438 UNDERCRANKED - JONES' CREEK From BEHIND CAMERA Bobby Joe appears and goes racing into the distance. 439 BOBBY JOE'S POV - OVER HER LEGS - DRAGWAY 439 RIGGING EFFECT - UNDERCRANKED - STUNT Darting in and around trees, a major stump is coming right for her. Bobby Joe's legs spread wide. The tree stump races closer. Bobby Joe SCREAMS . . . her last. 439A TREE STUMP'S POV - BOBBY JOE APPROACHES 439A UNDERCRANKED 439B BOBBY JOE'S LEGS - STUMP - DRAGWAY 439B STOP MOTION - REVERSE ACTION Girl meets stump. 440 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - OVERCRANKED 440 LOW SHOT - LOOKING UPWARD PAST THE STUMP - BLOOD GEYSER EFX We hear the RIP! And watch as a geyser of blood floods up into the night sky. 441 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - OVERCRANKED 441 CLOSE SHOT - GLASS CASE CONTAINING PAGES FROM BOOK OF THE DEAD It falls away from the CAMERA and shatters on the table beneath us. 442 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 442 As their hands scramble at removing the pages from the bits of broken glass. 443 MED. SHOT - JAKE IN FG - ASH AND ANNIE IN BG 443 Jake is looking out the boarded window of the cabin, searching for some sign of Bobby Joe. 444 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 444 JAKE'S POV - THE DARK WOODS - WINDOW FRAME All is silent as fog rushes in and around the woods. JAKE Where the hell is she? 445 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 445 MED. SHOT - JAKE AND ASH AND ANNIE Jake turns to Ash. JAKE We gotta go out there and find her! ASH If she went out in those woods, she's not coming back. Jake turns back to the window. Ash turns to Annie. He glances down at the pages that Annie is looking over. 445A ASH'S POV - CLOSE SHOT - PAGES AND ANNIE 445A One of the pages is a clear pictorial of Ash as the "Hero from the Sky." 445B ASH AND ANNIE 445B Ash shudders. ANNIE What is it? ASH Felt like someone just walked over my grave. It's that picture. Annie looks to it. 445C CLOSE SHOT - PAGE OF THE BOOK OF THE DEAD 445C CONTAINING ASH'S "HERO FROM THE SKY" ILLUSTRATION. 445D ANNIE AND ASH 445D ANNIE In 1300 AD. This was the "Hero from the Sky," who was prophesized to destroy this Evil. ASH He didn't do a very good job. What about the passages? 446 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 446 As she quickly gives the pages a cursory glance. ANNIE Here it is. Two passages. For the first time, she smiles at Ash. ANNIE We've got it! 446A - 446H OMIT 446A - 446H 447 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 447 Finally seeing his salvation, his face shows hope. 447A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 447A Annie reads through the pages. ANNIE Recitation of the first passage will make this "Dark Spirit" manifest itself in the flesh. ASH Why the hell would we want to do that? Annie thumbs through one or two of the other pages. ANNIE Recitation of the second passage creates a kind of rift in time and space, and the physical manifestation of this spirit can be forced back through this rift... to an earlier time and place. At least that's the best translation I can .... CLICKITY CLICK 448 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 448 Annie and Ash look up to the source of the sound. 449 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE 449 He has just snapped a shell into the firing chamber of the shotgun. He points it at Ash and Annie. JAKE I'm runnin' the show now. 450 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 450 Standing together, confused. 450A CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 450A JAKE We're goin' outside into those woods to look for Bobby Joe, an' once we find her, we're gettin' the hell outta here. ASH If you want to look for her, go ahead. JAKE You two comin' with me. I ain't goin' out there alone. ASH NO, YOU IDIOT. You'll kill us all. She's dead by now. With these pages we can... Jake grabs the pages from Annie's hand. JAKE Those pages don't mean shit. Jake kicks the pages down into the cellar. Ash and Annie look on in horror. JAKE 'Sides. Now you ain't got no, choice. Jake pushes at Ash with the barrel of the shotgun. JAKE Now move! Ash hesitates. JAKE Move you son of a bitch! 451 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT 451 Ash, Annie and Jake exit the cabin. 452 EXT. FRONT PORCH OF CABIN - NIGHT 452 TRACKING BACKWARD Ash, Annie and Jake walk towards the woods. In the FG is Ash. He looks off past the CAMERA in fear. 453 ASH'S POV - WOODS - NIGHT ROD PUPPETS - STUDIO 453 As he approaches a line of trees whose branches bend and sway with a threatening motion. 453A EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING BACKWARD 453A ASH, JAKE, AND ANNIE ASH No trail. Which way do you intend to go? 453B CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 453B Looking confused and frightened. He calls out desperately. JAKE Bobby Joe! 453C EXT. WOODS NIGHT - POV EVIL FORCE 453C As it glides through the woods. We hear a muted shout from Jake. JAKE (O.S.) Bobby Joe, where are you girl? And the POV of the force suddenly swings about to reveal Jake, Ash, and Annie not to far away. 453D EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - ASH 453D As he moves deeper into the woods. 453E EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - ANNIE 453E As she searches the woods with her eyes in fear. 453F EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - TRACKING SHOT - JAKE 453F As scared as the rest of them, but driven to find Bobby Joe. 453G POV EVIL FORCE - EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 453G As it approaches the group. 453H EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - FOAM SHOTGUN STOCK 453H JAKE, ASH, AND ANNIE JAKE Bobby Joe! Bobby Joe! Ash approaches Jake. ASH You'll get us all killed. JAKE Shaddup! Jake slams Ash across the face with the stock of the shotgun. Ash plummets to the ground. Annie screams! She goes after Jake. Jake slugs her and she falls to the ground. 453I EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - JAKE, ASH, AND ANNIE 453I POV - EVIL FORCE It draws closer. 453J EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - JAKE - CLOSE SHOT 453J Raging to the night! JAKE Bobby Joe! 453K EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 453K POV of Evil Force racing up to the group. 453L EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - JAKE 453L Jake halts his screaming. He listens in the silence as possessed Ash juts up into the frame! His eyes are bone white, his flesh, the pale color of the dead. His lips, black. He bellows to the night! 454 - 473 OMIT 454-473 474 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 474 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE She screams and stumbles backwards, towards the cabin. 475 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - CRANE 475 MEDIUM SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - JAKE DUMMY - FLYING RIG Possessed Ash lifts Jake up above his head and throws him into a large tree. It explodes in a blast of sawdust as the dummy slams into it. 476 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 476 MEDIUM SHOT Annie dashes inside and turns to look out the open doorway. 477 EXT. CABIN - ANNIE'S POV - THRU THE OPEN DOORWAY 477 All is quiet outside, no sign of Possessed Ash or Jake, and then Possessed Ash is there, emerging from the darkness suddenly. He raises his finger and points to Annie. He speaks in the low garbled voice of a demon: POSSESSED ASH JOIN US! 478 INT. CABIN - MED. SHOT - ANNIE 478 She rushes to the door, hoping to get there before Possessed Ash. 479 MED. SHOT - ANNIE AND POSSESSED ASH 479 She slams the front door shut just in time. 480 MED. SHOT - ANNIE - WRITING DESK 480 She picks up the Kandarian Dagger. CREAK - SNAP! A sound coming from somewhere in the rear of the cabin. She turns toward the door to the hallway. 481 - 486 OMIT 481 - 486 487 ANNIE'S POV - THE DOOR TO THE HALLWAY 487 It is closed. 488 OMIT 488 489 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 489 She moves to investigate the sound. As she approaches the rear door to the hall and slowly opens it. 489A ANNIE'S POV 489A As the door to the hallway is pulled open, revealing ... only the empty hallway. 489B INT. CABIN HALLWAY - NIGHT 489B ANNIE She breathes a sigh of relief. 490 ANNIE'S POV 490 As she moves down the hall. It is dark. Curtains flutter on the boarded windows. 491 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 491 As she moves towards the rear of the cabin. 491A INT. HALLWAY/EXT. CABIN - LOCATION - ANNIE'S POV 491A THE WINDOW AND WOODS BEYOND We approach the window and look out into the night. Fog billows through the trees, and in the distance the monster that is Ash emerges. He heads toward the cabin and disappears in a bank of fog. 491B INT. HALLWAY (STUDIO) 491B Annie is frightened. She spins her head to a sound. 492 ANNIE'S POV - THE REAR DOOR OF THE CABIN 492 Creak! The doorknob is turning. Something is trying to get in. 493 ANNIE - MED. SHOT 493 She forces her back to the wall. She tenses with the dagger, ready to slay whatever should enter. 494 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 494 She waits. 495 CLOSE SHOT - THE KANDARIAN DAGGER 495 Gripped tightly in Annie's sweating hands. 496 CLOSE SHOT - DOORKNOB 496 Rattling violently now. And suddenly it opens. 497 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE'S HANDS 497 As they swing the dagger. 498 CLOSE SHOT 498 As the dagger imbeds in the intruder's chest. CAMERA PANS UP quickly to reveal a gasping Jake. 499 MEDIUM SHOT - JAKE AND ANNIE 499 Jake falls to the ground, half in and out of the doorway. He is still alive. 500 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 500 As she backs away in horror, clutching at her head. ANNIE No! She backs to a partially boarded window. 501 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 501 Possessed Ash juts up into frame in the window behind her. Annie screams and runs toward the open back door. Possessed Ash spots the open door through the window and begins to move around the side of the house. 502 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 502 As she goes to slam the door. 503 MED. SHOT - JAKE 503 As he lies moaning in the doorway, the door slams upon him. 504 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 504 As she reaches down and pulls Jake's body out of the way. 505 EXT. CABIN/REAR - NIGHT 505 POSSESSED ASH As he moves around the side of the cabin, tearing apart a trellis that stands in his path, and three hanging flowerpots as he approaches the open door. 506 INT. CABIN BACK HALLWAY - NIGHT 506 MED. SHOT - ANNIE Again she tries to slam the door. 507 MED. SHOT - JAKE'S DUMMY ANKLE 507 Which lies in the door's path, preventing it from closing. 508 EXT. CABIN/REAR - NIGHT 508 OVER POSSESSED ASH'S SHOULDER As he approaches the back door. He grabs the screen door and tears it loose with a single motion. 509 INT. CABIN REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 509 ANNIE As she pulls Jake's ankle from the door and slams it. All is again silent. 509A INT. CABIN - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT - ANNIE AND JAKE 509A Annie kneels down next to a moaning Jake, driving the dagger in a little deeper by accident. He cries out in pain. JAKE Get the axe. Kill it. Kill it. Jake moans and dies. 509B CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 509B As she turns her head to the sound of breaking glass. 509C TRACKING SHOT - ANNIE - REAR HALLWAY - NIGHT 509C As she cautiously approaches the main room. 509D ANNIE'S POV - REAR HALLWAY/MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 509D As she moves towards the main room. 509E MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - ANNIE 509E Annie enters the room. She shudders from the cold. CAMERA PANS with her glance to broken glass upon the floor, and over to reveal the bashed out window and the curtains fluttering in the wind. 509F MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 509F Petrified. Looking about. Knowing that the monster Ash may be lurking close. 509G WIDE SHOT - ANNIE 509G As she moves about the main room, picking up the axe. With her back toward us she doesn't notice Ash's hand appear suddenly in the foreground atop the writing desk. She turns suddenly towards camera. 509H OVER ANNIE'S SHOULDER 509H Ash's evil hand sits upon the table. It scampers off. Annie turns and comes face to face with Possessed Ash! He bellows at her and grabs her as she shrieks bloody murder! 510 OMIT 510 511 OMIT 511 512 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 512 WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH AND ANNIE - DUMMY He picks her up and swings her across the room, into the wall. She slumps to the floor unconscious. 513 MED. SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 513 As he lumbers toward her. 514 ASH'S POV - STAR FILTER - MIRROR NECKLACE 514 As he moves closer to her unmoving body. A glitter of light on the floor, next to her, catches his eye. 515 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 515 For the first time, calm, as he looks intently down at the floor. He kneels closer. 516 ASH'S POV - (STAR FILTER) 516 The NECKLACE of Linda. 517 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH 517 The sight of the necklace strikes the human cord within him. He is confused, his evil self, battling for control of his spirit and body. He reaches to pick it up. 518 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 518 As he slowly picks up the delicate silver necklace. He raises it to his face; LINDA (V.O.) I'll never take it off. And then it hits him. The emotion of love lost. It floods the monster that is ASH. He clutches the necklace tightly to his bestial chest. And as the Love/waltz theme sweeps up in volume on the sound track, the monster begins to cry. 519 WIDE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH AND ANNIE - TULIP CRANE 519 Ash raises his head and lets out a low, lamenting, and pitiful wail. A man trapped in the shell of a beast, crying for the one he has lost. 520 MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - 50% POSSESSED 520 As he raises his head. Tears stream down from his eyes, washing away the caked on blood. 521 CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH (REVERSE ACTION) 521 BLADDER EFX - 50 - 20% POSSESSED His face begins to change. His skin loses its white pallor. His blackened, infected cuts disappear. The swollen and cracked surface of his face begins to heal. 522 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) - MINIATURE 522 EXTREME CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED ASH - DUMMY HEAD W/FLUID EYE CHAMBER Ash's eyes change from white to brown. 523 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 523 As the last tears roll down Ash's face, he is once again human. Ash looks up suddenly with a start. 524 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 524 EXPLODING FLOOR As he rolls out of the way a moment before the head of the axe buries itself in the wooden floor. Splinters fly. 525 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 525 EXPLODING WALL EFX Rolls to his feet and stands. He ducks as Annie enters frame, charging him with axe, screaming. ASH No. WAIT! Annie swings the axe and again Ash ducks. The head of the axe slams into the plastered wall smashing right through. 526 CLOSER - ASH AND ANNIE 526 Ash grabs her tightly with his remaining hand. ASH Listen to me! I'm all right now. That thing is gone. Ash pushes her away. Annie falls to the floor. She stands. 527 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - WOODEN AXE HEAD 527 EXPLODING WALL EFX Catching his wind for a moment. Then rolls to the side as the axe again comes at him! SLAM! The head of the axe slices into the wall only a few inches from his head. 528 MED. SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 528 As he grabs Annie by the face and forces her backwards. ASH GOD DAMN IT! I said I was all right!! Annie is nearly choking. ANNIE Okay. Ash releases her gently. She again looks to Ash, cautiously. ANNIE Are you sure? ASH You'll be the first to know. I'm fine. 529 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 529 ANNIE Yeah, but for how long? If we're going to beat this thing, we need those pages. 529A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 529A As he turns to the trap door. ASH Then let's head down into that cellar... 529B CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR 529B It lies silently against the floor. A rasping breath can be heard from below. 529C CLOSE SHOT - ASH 529C He turns from the trap door to Annie. ASH ...And carve ourselves a witch. 530 EXT. WORKSHED - NIGHT 530 Ash's hand flips open the latch on the shed door. 531 INT. WORKSHED - NIGHT 531 The door is kicked open, revealing the silhouette of Ash and Annie as they stand in the doorway. 532 WORKSHED SHELF 532 Rats scurry for safety as the shaft of light from the door hits them. 533 HANGING BULB 533 ASH'S hand pulls on the cord, turning on the light. 534 WORKSHED TABLE 534 Ash's arm sweeping the chains and pieces of wood onto the floor. 535 OMIT 535 536 OMIT 536 537 OMIT 537 538 THE HOSE CLAMP 538 Is tossed down upon the workshed table. 539 A SECOND HOSECLAMP 539 Is tossed down next to the first. 540 ANNIE'S HANDS 540 Hold down a clamp as ASH'S hand, creates screw sized holes in it with a battery powered drill. 541 ANNIE'S HANDS 541 Attach the hoseclamps to a piece of red steel. 542 ANNIE'S HANDS 542 Attach the red piece of steel to ASH'S stump, via the clamps. 543 ANNIE'S HANDS 543 Attach a "V" type hook Around Ash's neck, just above his bicep. 544 ASH'S HAND 544 Slams down the chainsaw upon the table. It is missing its side panel. ASH'S arm enters frame and we see that it is this missing side panel that has been clamped to his stump. 545 CLOSER SHOT 545 The panel slides into the side of the chainsaw with a sharp "CLICK". 546 ASH 546 As he bends the chainsaw to his chest. 547 CLOSE SHOT 547 The "T" shaped end of the starter cord falls neatly into the "V" shaped hook that is strapped around Ash's neck. 548 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 548 He looks up to Annie, the moment of truth. 549 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 549 Hair tousled over her sweating face, returns his glance, expectant. 550 WIDE SHOT 550 Ash extends his chainsaw arm, pulling on the starter cord. The CHAINSAW ROARS to life. With his free arm Ash raises the shotgun. He lowers the blade of the chainsaw down upon the barrel. Sparks fly as the saw cuts through it. The long barrel falls to the floor. Ash is left with a sawed off shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw strapped to his other arm. With a fancy style western flip to the gun Ash saddles the shotgun in a makeshift holster, strapped to his back. The CAMERA SLOWLY TRACKS into Ash's face. ASH Groovy. 551 - OMIT 551 551A EXT. CABIN/WORKSHED - NIGHT - INKY PUPPET 551A In the distance, the tiny figures of Ash and Annie as they move from the workshed to the cabin. In the foreground is a large oak tree. A gnarled human- like face can be made out on the surface of the tree. It is lit from beneath and slolwly brought up on a dimmer. A horrible twisted tree face. It suddenly opens its mouth and breathes in a gust of air with a terrible wheezing sound, as though in great pain at being brought to life. It turns sharply towards the cabin. 552 CLOSE SHOT - DINKY PUPPET 552 Second tree face, brought up on a dimmer, opens its mouth and loudly draws in air, also in agony. 553 CLOSE SHOT - MOE PUPPET 553 A third tree's twisted face, two human eyes opened wide on its surface. It breathes, then barks a guttural sound. 554 MED. SHOT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 554 In the foreground is the base of a large oak tree. The cabin in the distance. A rumbling is heard. Then suddenly the tree pulls one of its massive roots from the earth. The tree sets its root down a few feet closer to the cabin. 555 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 555 WIDE SHOT - TREE PUPPETS An entire line of trees. All pull their roots free from the soil and take an awkward and lumbering step towards the cabin. 556-564 OMIT 556-564 565 INT. MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 565 CLOSE SHOT - THE BLADE OF THE CHAINSAW Begins cutting through the wood of the trap door. 566 MED. SHOT - ANNIE 566 Tensing with her axe, ready for the beast to spring. 567 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW BLADE 567 As it completes the second cut in the wood of the trap door. 568 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 568 As he finishes the slicing job and kicks open the trap door. 569 LOW ANGLE - ANNIE AND ASH - FROM CELLAR LOOKING UP 569 The broken bits of the trap door fall past the camera, as they cautiously peer down into the cellar. 570 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT (STUDIO) 570 ANNIE'S POV Looking down into the cellar. No sign of Henrietta. The bottom of the steps disappear into blackness. ASH Those pages are down there somewhere. 571 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 571 MED. SHOT - ASH He kicks aside the broken trapdoor and slowly descends into the darkness. 572 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 572 MED. SHOT Ash arrives at the bottom of the steps. He looks about the dark corners of the cellar trying to find some sign of Henrietta or the pages. 573 OMIT 573 574 OMIT 574 575 ASH'S POV 575 Panning the cobwebs and dark stone walls of the cellar. Half hidden in the shadows we see two of the missing pages. 575A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 575A As he moves through the cellar and grabs the pages. He spots another page somewhat deeper into the cellar. 575B ASH'S POV 575B A fourth and fifth page lay upon the earthen floor, at the base of the cellar's rear door. 575C ASH - CLOSE SHOT 575C Ash moves to pages and gathers them. Annie's voice calls down. ANNIE (O.S.) Did you find her? 576 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 576 ASH She's playing hard to get... He pumps the throttle on the buzzing saw. ASH ... rid of. Behind Ash, unseen by him, a shadow darts by. 577 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 577 He hears a sound. 577A ASH'S POV - 577A It is coming from the door to the cellar's rear room. 577B ANGLE - ASH 577B He reaches for the door and opens it. Revealing darkness beyond. Ash enters. Again he hears the slight sound, a gentle ticking. 578 INT. CELLAR - REAR ROOM - NIGHT - ASH'S POV 578 The ticking sound is coming from behind a hanging drape. 579 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 579 He approaches the drape, reaches out his hand and pulls it back sharply. Revealing an old water heater, ticking and steaming. 579A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 579A He breathes a sigh of relief as the half eaten skeleton torso of Ed falls atop him! Ash screams and steps suddenly away. 579B ASH'S POV 579B Ed's skeletal carcass falls to the earthen floor still wrapped in the bloody sheet. 579C CLOSE SHOT - ASH 579C Looking on in horror. ASH (In a whisper) She got hungry. Ash turns from the skeleton and quickly gathers up the remaining pages from the Book of the Dead. Getting scared now, he backs into the cellar's front room. 579D INT. CELLAR - NIGHT - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 579D As he moves towards the steps. He tosses up the bundle of pages. 579E MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE 579E Peering down into the cellar, she grabs the pages. 579F MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE - MAIN ROOM 579F She rushes over to the writing desk and begins translating. 580 INT. CELLAR - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 580 Getting scared now, decides to exit the cellar. He climbs the steps. 581 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S FEET 581 As they climb. From behind the wooden steps, the horrible head of Henrietta appears. Her two rotting hands grab at Ash's ankles. 582 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 582 He looks down with a scream. 583 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA/ASH'S DUMMY FEET 583 HENRIETTA Come to me. Come to sweet Henrietta! Her face pulls back behind the cellar steps. Her hands pull ASH's feet in after her. 584 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - CAMERA RIG 584 As Ash falls, he slams his jaw down upon the bottom step. 585 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW ARM 585 As the spinning blade jams into the step, stalling the engine. 586 LONG SHOT - ASH DUMMY - AND HENRIETTA'S HANDS 586 (UNDERCRANKED) In an instant, his entire body is pulled beneath the steps. 587 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 587 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE As she sits at the writing desk, reciting the first of the passages. ANNIE Nos-feratos-allo-memnon-kanda! She puts aside the pages and glances up suddenly at the faint sounds of the struggle from the cellar. 588 INT. CABIN CELLAR - NIGHT 588 LONG SHOT - ASH - CELLAR STEPS (UNDERCRANKED) Ash's badly mauled body rips through the staircase with a great force. 589 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 589 As he slams into the earth floor of the cellar. He moans, and looks towards the steps. 590 ASH'S POV - THE WOODEN STAIRCASE (REVERSE ACTION) 590 As a cackling Henrietta appears where the bottom section of staircase used to stand. 591 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 591 MED. SHOT - ANNIE As she races from the writing desk to look down into the cellar. 592 OVER ANNIE'S SHOULDER - UNDERCRANKED 592 As she kneels down at the trapdoor, about to call down to Ash when the witchlike figure of Henrietta floats quickly up into the main room from the cellar. A flurry of moths about her. HENRIETTA Free! Free at last! 593 WIDE SHOT - ANNIE 593 As Annie attempts to move from the trap door. Henrietta is clutching at Annie's hair and laughing with a demonic malice, as she spins about the room in mid air. 594 CLOSE SHOT - TRAP DOOR - ANNIE'S FEET 594 Ash's bloodied arm slings itself over the edge of the trapdoor. He pulls himself up into the main room. 595 MED. SHOT - OVER ASH'S SHOULDER - 595 HENRIETTA AND ANNIE Henrietta turns sharply to Ash with a growl. 596 MED. SHOT - ASH 596 He stands and jerks out his chainsaw arm sharply. The cord is pulled and the engine roars to life! 597 MED. SHOT - HENRIETTA 597 As she leaps through the air toward Ash. 598 HENRIETTA'S POV - RACING AT HIM - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 598 Ash swings his buzzing chainsaw. 599 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S GNARLED HAND 599 As it grabs the body of the chainsaw, halting it in mid swing. 600 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND HENRIETTA 600 As she keeps the buzzing chainsaw at bay with one hand, while her other grabs at Ash's throat, strangling him. 600A CLOSE SHOT - ASH 600A As he is slammed through the window. 600B ASH AND HENRIETTA 600B Ash kicks her in the stomach. Henrietta is furious. 600C CLOSE SHOT - POSSESSED HENRIETTA - MITCHELL CAMERA 600C STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN She grits her teeth, concentrates, and her neck begins to grow. She begins to change to Pee Wee Head. 600CP PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 600CP INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT CAMERA PANS UP on "B" wall. 601 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA - MITCHELL CAMERA 601 STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN As the pee wee Head transformation continues, Henrietta's neck grows, like a jack in the box. It extends a solid five feet upward, so that her head is now looking down upon Ash baring its teeth. 601P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - ASH - MITCHELL CAMERA 601P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 602 CLOSE SHOT - ASH - TULIP CRANE 602 CAMERA CRANING UP ON HIM Ash gapes in fear at this monstrosity that looms above him. 603A INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 603A POSSESSED HENRIETTA PUPPET - MEDIUM SHOT Her neck undulating like a snake, she bites and snaps. HENRIETTA I'll swallow your soul, swallow your soul! 603B ASH - CLOSE SHOT 603B He reacts. 603C WORKING DUMMY HENRIETTA HEAD ON "FLYING HEAD RIG" 603C AND ASH Henrietta swoops at Ash as he keeps her at bay with the buzzing chainsaw. 603 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 603 STOP MOTION - REAR SCREEN - LOOKING UPWARD AT HENRIETTA'S HEAD She opens her mouth impossibly wide, exposing those nasty rows of jagged shark like teeth. She dive bombs him. 603P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - BART-O-FLEX 603P Plate for previous scene. 604 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD AND ASH 604 As her head springs down into frame and halts suddenly inches from his face. In the silence we hear the reason: Annie's voice singing the same melody that her mother had sung to her earlier from the cellar. For a moment Henrietta's face loses its evil malice. She is confused at this sound. Henrietta halts. She spins her head toward Annie. 605 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 605 As she finishes the melancholy song. 606 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA 606 MAGIC BLADE AND GUIDE TRACK RIG Still confused, suddenly she shrieks and the chainsaw comes buzzing through her from behind. The spinning blade juts out from Henrietta's midsection. 607 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND HENRIETTA 607 BODY PARTS ON WIRES Body parts (2 arms) fly past the camera on wire. Ash slices and dices. Henrietta screeches like a wild banshee. 608 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD AND ANNIE IN B.G. 608 As Pee Wee Head spins toward Ash, furious. HENRIETTA Swallow your soul! 609 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 609 Swings his chainsaw arm in a sharp arc. 609A ANGLE - HENRIETTA 609A Henrietta's head is sliced from her neck with a chainsaw. Steam pours from her neck. 610 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD - OVERCRANKED 610 As it flies up into frame, sliced from its neck. 610A ASH 610A As he completes the arc of the chainsaw. 611 CLOSE SHOT - DUMMY HENRIETTA PEE WEE HEAD 611 W/ SMALL SECTION OF NECK As it hits the floor. 612 MEDIUM SHOT - HENRIETTA'S BODY 612 It's neck spouts steam, wagging about like a snake. Behind her Annie watches as the body topples to the floor. 613 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 613 He looks down. 614 CLOSE SHOT - HENRIETTA'S HEAD SCREAMING AT HIM: 614 HENRIETTA'S HEAD Swallow your soul! Swallow your soul! Ash's foot steps down upon her head, pinning it to the floor. Her neck still writhing. 615 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 615 He unsaddles his sawed off shotgun from the holster on his back. He points the barrel at her head point blank. ASH Swallow this. He pulls the trigger. BLAM! Flame barks from the gun. 616 3 CAMERAS - CLOSE SHOT HENRIETTA AND GUN BARREL 616 (OVERCRANKED) GELATIN HEAD - SQUIB Her head explodes into a million pieces. 617 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND ASH 617 Annie is crying. Ash holsters the gun. ASH May she rest in pieces. 618 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE 618 As they look at each other for a quiet moment of relief. Ash shuts off the chainsaw. Annie moves slowly to Ash's arms. He holds her. 619 CLOSER - ASH AND ANNIE - MAIN ROOM - KITCHEN IN B.G. 619 They pull apart and look into each others eyes. Annie holds the pages. Maybe they can get away after all. A LOUD BOOMING echoes throughout the cabin! As though the outside walls of the place were being bombarded by cannon balls. The kitchen wall behind them buckles. 620 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND "D WALL" 620 SQUIB ON MIRROR As the B - board of the wall behind Ash falls away revealing battered logs. The mirror shatters. 621 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE AND "A" WALL The wall cracks beneath the terrific force of whatever is outside hammering upon it. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! 622 3 CAMERAS - MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND ANNIE - THE SOFA 622 "B" WALL CAMERA TRACKS in on them as they look about in fear. Dust is falling about them. The cabin walls are starting to break apart. There is a tremendous "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" type jolt to the cabin. Ash and Annie stagger for footing. 623 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - BOARDED WINDOW 623 Ash grabs ahold of the window frame to brace himself. 623A CLOSE SHOT - VINES - INT. MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 623A REVERSE ACTION - VINES Vines wrap about the planks which cover the window. 623B MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - BOARDED WINDOW 623B Behind him, the planks in the window are ripped away by finger-like vines. A terrifying tree face on the surface of a giant oak is revealed, as it peeks in through the window at them. 624 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 624 She screams. She turns toward "D Wall" at a loud wrenching sound. 625 MEDIUM SHOT - "D" WALL WINDOW 625 As vines reach in the cabin, tearing away the planks revealing an even more horrible tree face. 626 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 626 TREE PUPPET A tree beats its branches furiously upon the EXT. wall of the cabin. It rips apart the cabin's stone chimney. 627 ANGLE - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 627 TREE PUPPET A second gnarled tree slams its trunk against the rear door of the cabin. 628 LONG SHOT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 628 TREE PUPPET The entire cabin is surrounded by a group of lumbering oaks. All working to get in at Ash and Annie. 629 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 629 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE Annie runs to the writing desk. She flips through the missing pages from the Book of the Dead. Dust from the ceiling drifts down. ANNIE (shouting above the noise) No! I only completed the first of the passages. And that was to make the evil a thing of the flesh! 630 EXT. WOODS/CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 630 POV EVIL FORCE As it roars out of the woods, and towards the distant cabin faster than we've ever seen it. 631 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 631 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH As he runs over to Annie. ASH You didn't finish it?! ANNIE There's still the second passage. The one to open the rift and send the evil back. ASH Start reciting it. Now! 632 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 632 POV EVIL FORCE As it rockets towards the cabin doing 80 mph. 633 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 633 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE Shouting to be heard as she continues reading from the passage: ANNIE Tar-tra Kanda-Estra! Hudsucker Proxy -- Kanda! 634 OMIT 634 634A EXT. CABIN - WOODS - NIGHT 634A The forest at night. Bubbling smoke appears, then flame. Through the smoke, the beginnings of a winding spiral of a cloudlike material. 634AP1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 634AP1 SMOKE AND FLAME - MINIATURE (STUDIO) 634AP2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 634AP2 The rift. 635 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 635 MEDIUM SHOT - ANNIE ANNIE Aton-Neran-Ofas! 636 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 636 POV EVIL FORCE As it races right up to the front door of the cabin. 637 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 637 MED. SHOT - ANNIE - WIND FAN Reading from the passage. Behind her, the front door rips open and in comes a giant rotten apple head of the evil entity made flesh. A SHRIEKING, BULBOUS BEHEMOTH! 638 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT - (STUDIO) 638 STOP MOTION ANIMATION CLOSE SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN Ash as he witnesses the most horrible sights a man can behold. Ash's black hair streaks white before our eyes. Behind him, two flowers in their pots wither and die in seconds. ASH Finish it! 638P INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 638P Plate for previous scene, with dying flowers. 639 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 639 CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE - WIND FAN ANNIE Kanda! Samonda Roba Areda Gyes Indy En-zeen, Nos-Feratos - 639A CLOSE SHOT 639A Annie as she gasps. 639B MED. SHOT - ANIMATED HAND - (3 SEC.) 639B Annie as she falls to the floor, dead. Jutting from her back is the Kandarian dagger and hanging onto the end of the dagger is Ash's demon hand. 639 C,D,E, OMIT 639 C,D,E 640 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH AND WINDOW ON "B" WALL 640 ASH No! CRASH! Behind Ash a living tree branch rips through the cabin window! 641 MED. SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN - WRAPPING EFX BRANCH 641 Ash turns suddenly to get away. Too late. The living branch wraps about ASH'S waist and lifts him, screaming, OUT OF FRAME. 642 MED. SHOT - ASH IN GRIP OF TREE BRANCH - WIND FAN 642 Ash is being lifted toward the gaping mouth of rotten apple head. Ash is frantically jerking out his arm in an attempt to start the chainsaw strapped to his wrist. PUTT, PUTT, PUTT. It won't start. As the face of rotten apple head looms close, it opens its terrible mouth, ready to consume him. 643 CLOSE SHOT - ASH IN GRIP OF GIANT TREE BRANCH 643 From inside the creature's mouth looking out. Ash is screaming as he is brought towards its gnashing teeth. PUTT, PUTT, PUTT. His chainsaw still won't start. 643A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 643A Half dead as she crawls to the pages on the floor and gasps out the final sentences. ANNIE Nos-feratos - Amen-non. Ak-adeem! Razin - Arozonia! 643B EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 643B WIDE SHOT - REVERSE ACTION The rift grows more powerful. 643BP PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 643BP The rift. 644 INT. CABIN - MAIN ROOM - CLOSE SHOT - ASH 644 Sweating and terrified. He draws closer. 645 ASH'S POV 645 The CAMERA tracks in toward the mouth of rotten apple head. It's massive jaw jutts from the head, biting and snapping. Sap-like saliva drips from the orifice. Ash's feet kick at the mouth of rotten apple head, trying to keep it away. Its jaws snap at his shoes. 645A C.U. - ASH'S FEET - PUSHING AT THE GUMS OF 645A RAH'S MOUTH. SNAP! The massive teeth snap together biting Ash's foot in half. 645B C.U. ASH 645B He screams, then looks down to his foot. 645C C.U. ASH'S FOOT - (OVERLARGE SHOE) 645C Missing the leather toe section, he reveals that he still has his toes intact. 646 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 646 As he sharply jerks his arm outward! The CHAINSAW ROARS to life! He raises it high above his head and plunges it forward. 647 WIDE SHOT - ASH AND ROTTEN APPLE HEAD 647 Ash thrusts the spinning chainsaw blade into the single eye of the beast. 648 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 648 CLOSE SHOT - CHAINSAW As it punctures the giant eyeball and then pulls free. Green sauce spouts from the creature's wound. 649 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 649 CLOSE SHOT - ASH As he is doused in the green bile. SPLAT! 650 CLOSE SHOT - ROTTEN APPLE HEAD 650 Eyeless, it screams in anger. 650A CLOSE SHOT - ANNIE 650A With her last gasp. ANNIE ....Kanda! 651 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT (STUDIO MINIATURE) 651 WIDE SHOT - (REVERSE ACTION) As the rift pulls in fog and trees that surround the house. 651P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 651P1 SMOKE AND FLAME - MINIATURE (STUDIO) 651P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 651P2 The Rift. 652 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 652 WIDE SHOT As rotten apple head is sucked out the doorway of the cabin. The door slams shut behind it. Its scream echoes off into the distance. 653 OMIT 653 654 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 654 MED. SHOT - ASH Slices through the bracch. 654A MEDIUM SHOT - ASH 654A Ash and cut branch fall to the floor. 655 MED. SHOT 655 The cabin becomes much more quiet. The sounds of the trees are gone. Ash looks to Annie. She is dead. Ash moves to her, strokes her hair and begins to cry. ASH You did it. By God you did it. He lowers his head and begins to heave in sharp convulsive breaths of despair. 656 - 661 OMIT 656 - 661 662 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 662 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WIND FAN Behind Ash the front door RIPS open with a TREMENDOUS BLAST. The door is sucked down into the rift. All of the objects in the room are sucked through the open doorway and down into the rift, including the pages of the Book of the Dead. 662P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 662P1 662P2 SECOND PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 662P2 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - (STUDIO MINIATURE) 662P3 EXT. PLATE/WOODS 662P3 663 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT 663 WIND FAN Ash grabs ahold of the kitchen window ledge so as not to be swept outside by the force of the vacuum of the rift. Objects and papers fly past him. 664 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 664 Upon the kitchen window ledge. The ledge tears free. 665 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 665 As he screams, flying backward, towards the open door. 666 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO/PARTIAL SET/ 666 BLUE SCREEN) MEDIUM SHOT - WIND FAN - SAM-O-CAM The open doorway to the cabin. Ash flies towards it and is snagged from going through by the section of ledge that he holds. 666P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 666P 666P1 EXT. WOODS - PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 666P1 667 EXT. CABIN FRONT PORCH - NIGHT (STUDIO) 667 MEDIUM SHOT - ASH - WIRE RIGGING FOR FLYING His body is horizontal, his feet dangling in air, in the direction of the rift. 668 CLOSER - 668 Ash as he hangs on for dear life. Objects continue to fly past on wires. ASH For God's sake, how do you stop it? 669 INT. CABIN MAIN ROOM - NIGHT (STUDIO) 669 BLUE SCREEN CLOSE SHOT - FLYING RIG The nails in the section of ledge that Ash holds TEAR loose and the ledge SNAPS in two. He spins wildly away from us and towards the rift. 669P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 669P 669P1 EXT. WOODS - PLATE 669P1 670 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (STUNT) WIRE RIGGING 670 Ash is rocketed through the air, spinning somersaults. 671 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 671 ASH ON FLYING RIG Ash is sucked down into the swirling rift. Like a particle that is swallowed by a deep funnel of draining water. The rift closed behind him. 671P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 671P1 671P2 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 671P2 Plate for previous scene. 672 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 672 ASH ON FLYING RIG We are now within the vortex. A swirling mass of colors and clouds. And nightmarish sound effects. Objects come AT US from the distance and roar past, an uprooted tree, the grandfather clock with its hands winding backwards at an incredible rate, Ash spinning AT US, hand over foot, screaming. The chainsaw still mounted to his wrist. 672P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE VORTEX 672P 673 INT. STUDIO - (STOP MOTION/BLUE SCREEN) 673 ASH The vortex is distorting Ash's features as he is rocketed back through the dark void of time. 673P1 OMIT 673P1 673P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE (STOCK FOOTAGE) 673P2 A wild and rapid pictorial collage of human history winding back from the present through the centuries lasting seven seconds. 674 INT. STUDIO - (BLUE SCREEN) 674 WIDE SHOT A hole opens in the air with a sharp CRACKLING SOUND. Ash is spat from this hole and falls downward through frame. 674P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL CAMERA 674P EXT. SKY - DAY 674P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MINIATURE 674P2 SMOKE AND FLAME 675 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 675 MED. SHOT - GROUND - ASH - CAR CRANE - DELTA SHELLS Plunged to the dust. Debris from the demolished cabin rains down around him; his shotgun, the 1973 Delta 88 Oldsmobile and the old grandfather clock. 676 ASH'S POV. - THE RIFT IN THE SKY - MITCHELL 676 As it seals shut, leaving only the blue sky and the sound of tweeting birds. Ash's view of the serene sky changes abruptly as five steel helmets jut into his line of sight. Five armor-clad medieval WARRIORS stand directly over him. 676P1 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - THE RIFT 676P1 676P2 PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MINIATURE 676P2 SMOKE AND FLAME 677 OMIT 677 678 CLOSE SHOT - ASH AND WARRIORS 678 As he looks to the warriors above him. The first warrior raises a bloodstained longsword and poises it above Ash's head. WARRIOR #1 Slay the beast! WARRIOR #2 'Tis a deadite! All raise their swords ready for the kill. 679 MED. SHOT - THE WARRIORS 679 Halt as they hear a piercing, high-pitched SCREECH. They turn their heads skyward. 680 CLOSE SHOT - ASH 680 Follows the Warriors' gaze. 681 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 681 (STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) MED. SHOT A "WINGED DEADITE," a female harpy like creature with the tail of a sea horse and man-sized bat wings, enabling it to fly. The screaming beast swoops down towards the warriors and horses. High above, the distant shapes of other Winged Deadites circle. 681P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 681P WARRIORS AND HORSES FOR SWOOP SHOT 682 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 682 (STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN) CLOSE SHOT - WINGED DEADITE She lets out a screaming banshee laugh, while swooping down. 682P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE 682P EXT. KANDAR CASTLE - DAY 683 WINGED DEADITE'S POV 683 (UNDERCRANKED) - CRANE - WIND FAN As we swoop down toward the warriors and Ash. 683A OMIT 683A 683AP OMIT 683AP 684 OMIT 684 684P OMIT 684P 685 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 685 MED. SHOT - ASH AND WARRIORS As he springs to his feet. With a lightning thrust he reaches behind him. 686 CLOSE SHOT - ASH'S HAND 686 As he grabs at the gun from its holster. He swings it around front and pulls the trigger. 687 CLOSE SHOT - GUN BARREL - UNDERCRANKED 687 It discharges flame. 688 CLOSE SHOT - DUMMY HEAD OF DEADITE BLOOD SQUIB 688 OVERCRANKED - STOP MOTION ANIMATION/REAR SCREEN It explodes. 688P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - MITCHELL 688P EXT. KANDAR SKY 689 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR - DAY 689 (MINIATURE/STOP MOTION/REAR SCREEN) WIDE SHOT - WINGED DEADITE The beast continues to flap its wings and fly about a moment before falling to a heap in the dust. 689P PLATE FOR PREVIOUS SCENE - EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 689P WARRIORS 690 EXT. CASTLE OF KAN DAR 690 CLOSE SHOT - WARRIOR #1 As he looks to Ash. 691 MED. SHOT - WARRIORS 691 They follow his gaze. The CAMERA PANS TO Ash. He stands alone on a small pile of rubble clutching his smoldering shotgun. He looks about dazedly. He tries to get his bearings. 692 WIDE SHOT - WARRIORS 692 They falter. Unsure of how to react to this strange man, who a moment before was pronounced a Deadite. From the crowd, the Warrior #1 calls out: WARRIOR #1 Hail he, who has come from the sky, to deliver us from the terrors of the deadites! WARRIOR #4 Hail! WARRIOR #5 Hail! The cry is taken up by all. A line of medieval warriors bow. Then twenty. Then fifty. All remove their helmets and kneel silently in the dust. Somewhere in the distance a DRUM SOUNDS. Ash stands frozen. Terrified, unsure of where or when he is. Knowing only for the present, he is alive. As the wind kicks up blowing dust, Ash strikes a familiar pose. It is the same image of the "Hero from the Sky" that we saw earlier in the film. The strange "jagged edged longsword" is Ash's chainsaw. The CAMERA PULLS BACK from him as a great medieval castle rears up INTO FRAME. It is seen to be the castle of Kandar. The same castle we saw in the beginning of the film. Now, however, the castle is not a ruin, but brand new. As the CAMERA continues to pull back from Ash, the title "EVIL DEAD" appears on the screen acompanied by the distant ROAR of some dying animal: The SCREEN cuts to BLACK WITH A THUNDEROUS BOOM. THE END

EXTRACT Written by Mike Judge March 2008 BEGIN CREDITS: EXT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - DAY An idyllic American factory. There's a huge, long lawn in front. A Reynolds Extract sign in brick with flowers/landscaping around it, sits near the entrance. We see from the number of cars in the parking lot that it's a company of about 50 - 75 employees. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - DAY We are in a manufacturing area of an assembly-line production. It's a big room full of intricate machines, huge vats of different colored extract and other food flavoring products, conveyor belts, bottling machines, etc. It has a high ceiling with offices on the second floor that have big windows overlooking this manufacturing area. We PAN up to the main office. INSIDE THE OFFICE JOEL REYNOLDS, head of the company, mid-thirties, is on the phone with his friend DEAN. DEAN (v.o.) You should come by tonight. Half price well drinks while the game's going. JOEL You always give me free drinks though. DEAN (v.o.) Oh yeah. Well come by anyway. JOEL Yeah?... Might as well. No action going on at my house, that's for sure. DEAN (v.o.) Really? The wife out of town? JOEL No... I just haven't been laid in a month. 2. DEAN (v.o.) You guys having problems or something? JOEL No. This is pretty much normal these days... As CREDITS continue, camera PULLS OUT, back down to the manufacturing area, past a big vat of orange extract, down through various stages of assembly line production, then follows several bottles of orange extract moving past HECTOR, a Mexican immigrant employee in his thirties. The camera stops on him. Talking to Hector is STEP, a short, beady-eyed Charles-Manson-looking guy with a beard and mustache. Step is in his forties. He makes everything he says sound as macho and important as possible. STEP You get this job through Manpower? HECTOR Yeah. STEP I started here with Manpower too. Started out on the line just like you. (DEAD-SERIOUS) Only I did better... 40 crates a day. Beat. Hector is not quite sure what he's talking about. STEP continues telling his tale in such a way that the only polite reaction would be one of total amazement. STEP (CONT'D) I'm the best sorter in here. That's why they made me full time with benefits. I'll probably be floor manager this year. A FEW FEET AWAY we see RORY, a stocky indie-rock geek, with too many tatoos, hair shaved on the side with a ponytail, lots of bad piercings, wearing baggy shorts with lots of pockets and some kind of gothy T-shirt -- a look that ought to be out of style by now. 3. Rory is putting stickers on boxes with a sticker gun. He flips the sticker gun around unnecessarily between each application, adding a few unnecessary moves/motions, slapping each box when he's done, generally making the activity look like more of a skill than it actually is. He approaches Step and Hector, pulling out some fliers from his many pockets. RORY (hands them each a flier) My band's playing this Friday, come check us out. Hector looks down at the flier. It's xeroxed with fifties clip-art, cut out letters and the name of the band, "God's Cock". Hector just looks at it confused, not knowing much English, not sure what he's supposed to be doing with the flier. AT THE END OF THE LINE, where boxes are loaded onto pallets, sits MARY, 58 years old, wearing a 15-year-old pair of acid- wash jeans, and an oversized tweety-bird T-shirt, fanny pack, and dayglow yellow triangle-shaped earrings. She's pear- shaped with short hair. She's bitter and bossy, always shaking her head at everyone. She sits on a stool with a clipboard, looks over her glasses at Hector, shaking her head. She talks to Gabriella, a Hispanic woman in her forties. MARY You see that... That new guy. He's holding us up. It's not my job to tell them to hold the line either. GABRIELLA And then Joel's gonna come yell at us, cuz he's not doing his job. MARY (folds her arms, fed up) I'm just gonna sit here. GABRIELLA You're not gonna shut it off? MARY I'm not gonna hold the line. If they're not gonna do their job, why should I do mine. Mary sits there, arms folded, lips pursed, refusing to pause the conveyor belt. 4. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Joel is still on the phone with Dean. JOEL If I don't get home before about 8:00, she puts on the sweatpants and once the sweatpants are on, it's over -- I get nothing. (notices something down BELOW) Shit. I'm gonna have to call you back. Joel hangs up and runs downstairs. ON THE MANUFACTURING FLOOR: Boxes start to accumulate and fall off the end of the line. Step sees this, runs to shut off the line, yelling at Mary. STEP What are you doing?! MARY What are YOU doing?! (pointing at Hector) What is he doing? A YELLING/BICKERING MATCH breaks out between Mary, Step, Rory and Gabriella. Joel runs over, shuts off the conveyor belt. JOEL (CONT'D) All right. Now, what's the problem? They all erupt in more BICKERING AND FINGER POINTING. JOEL (CONT'D) Okay! Okay, everyone settle down. Now Mary. Hector here is new okay? It's gonna take him a couple of days, maybe his English isn't so good. You gotta be patient. STEP That's what I was tryin' to say. JOEL And Step, if you wanna be Floor Manager, this is the kind of thing you're going to have to deal with. 5. STEP (KISS-ASS) Exactly. JOEL Okay, now Step, Rory, Hector, let's get this cleaned up, and get rolling again. We can't afford to fall behind today. Joel walks away. People resume their posts. Mary starts right back up with Gabriella. MARY You see that? We always get the blame. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER Joel sits in his swivel chair, looking down at the production floor, shaking his head. BRIAN, Joel's second in command, walks in. He's a little older than Joel, neatly trimmed beard, aviator glasses, and a bit of a gut. He wears a Reynold's Extract golf shirt and Khaki pants. He walks over to the window, joins Joel, looking down at the employees. JOEL Jesus... They're like a bunch of goddamned children. BRIAN Tell me about it. Sorry I missed the drama; I was showing boy-genius down there how to back up a forklift. ANGLE ON Rory, driving the forklift, handing out a flier as he passes someone. BRIAN (CONT'D) That's his whole career, driving that damn forklift. You'd think he'd wanna learn how. JOEL Well, I guess he's got that band he's in too... BRIAN (disgust at the word "BAND") "Band", ugh... (MORE) 6. BRIAN (CONT'D) I'll bet dollars to donuts he sucks at that too. Then you got ah... (tries to remember her name but can't) Dinkus down there... JOEL Who, Mary? BRIAN No, the other one -- what's-her- face -- she asked me -- or rather "axed" me -- for more personal days. Just like that. I told her maybe if she figures out how to fill out the time sheets correctly I'll give her more personal days... (Off Joel's look) Don't worry, she will never fill out her time sheets correctly. Joel looks down at the production floor. Joel's POV: ANGLE ON: Mary and Step bickering. Step walks off. Mary and Gabrielle shaking their heads and yapping like a couple of old hens. JOEL (O.S.) Look at 'em... I am so sick of baby sitting these assholes. (looks at his watch) I better get going... Joel leaves in a hurry, mumbling something about "sweatpants." INT. JOEL'S CAR - LATE AFTERNOON Joel drives home, in a hurry, checking his dashboard clock. It's an upscale neighborhood of McMansions in a town like Lincoln Nebraska. He turns a corner, slows down suddenly when he sees something. JOEL'S POV: NATHAN, a middle-aged, overweight, annoying guy is going out to the street to get his mail. JOEL (to himself, praying) Please go back inside... Please just turn around.. .Come on...don't notice me... 7. It's too late. Nathan turns, sees Joel's car and waves, then crosses the street to Joel's driveway and waits to talk to him. JOEL (TO HIMSELF) Shit! Joel pulls into his driveway as Nathan flags him down. Joel begrudgingly rolls down the passenger side window so Nathan can talk to him. NATHAN Hi there Joel! Glad I caught ya... Nathan settles in like he's going to be there a while, leaning with his arms folded, hanging inside the car, trapping Joel. NATHAN How've ya been? I left you a message last week. I don't know if you got it or not. JOEL Yeah, actually Nathan, I'm kind of in a hurry here. NATHAN Oh yeah? You been busy? JOEL Yeah, in fact... (checks his watch) I should go right now actually. I gotta call the office before they leave. NATHAN Well, real quick while I got ya here -- what're you guys doing November 17th? JOEL Ah, I don't ah... (realizes his should fake IT) Actually we're going to be out of town that weekend. NATHAN Oh yeah? Where you going? 8. JOEL Ah... NATHAN Oh, wait a minute -- I'm sorry, I meant the 7th. Yeah, November 7th. You'll be in town then right? JOEL (DEFEATED) Ah...Yeah. NATHAN Great. There's this dinner Leslie and I are going to. It's an annual thing -- we do it every year with the Rotary Club -- it's for charity. It's just a whole lot of fun, and we wanted to invite you and Suzie to be our guests at our table. It's-- JOEL I'm sorry, I ah... I just don't think that's something we're gonna want to do. NATHAN Really? Why not? It's a lot of fun. JOEL Oh, I don't know. Suzie doesn't really like going to stuff like THAT-- NATHAN Why not? JOEL Well, we wouldn't know anybody there. She get's kind of uncomfortable. NATHAN Oh no -- It's not like that. She won't be uncomfortable. I guarantee it. No, it's not like that at all. It's not formal or anything. Trust me. It's just a real loose bunch. 9. JOEL I just don't... NATHAN I tell you what. Why don't we do this -- I'll go ahead and get tickets, since they're gonna sell out fast. You talk to Suzie. See what she says. Like I say, she won't be uncomfortable at all. Maybe I'll have Leslie give her a call -- you know how it is when the wives talk, heh heh-- Joel is about to snap. JOEL Um, why don't we talk about this later. (looks at his watch) I gotta make this call before they leave. Joel pulls away, forcing Nathan to raise off the window sill. JOEL (CONT'D) (CALLING BACK) Sorry... I just gotta make this call! INT. JOEL'S GARAGE - CONTINUOUS Joel pulls the car in, steps out and is shocked to see Nathan right there in his garage. NATHAN Sorry, I almost forgot -- the tickets are forty dollars a plate. I know that's a little steep, but the food is fantastic and it's for a good cause. So that'd be eighty dollars total. There's no tax or anything. JOEL Ah, look Nathan, I really gotta get inside and make this call. Let's talk about this another time. Joel has his finger on the button to shut the garage door, waiting for Nathan to get out. Nathan stops, just inside. 10. NATHAN Oh, and if you need us to look out for the house or anything when you go out of town -- Joel's finger still on the garage door button. NATHAN Well, just let us know. Where you guys going anyway? JOEL (BULLSHITTING) Ah, just sort of a vacation. Look, I gotta run. Joel hits the button and the door starts going down. NATHAN Alright then. We'll see ya. Nathan finally steps out of the garage. Joel breaths a huge sigh of relief. Then, ANGLE ON THE GARAGE DOOR: As it gets halfway down, we see Nathan's legs, heading back towards the door. Nathan leans down into frame as the door goes down. NATHAN Oh, Joel one more thing-- Joel lets the door shut on him, and bolts into the house. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - EVENING Joel walks into the living room just as his wife, SUZIE, enters from the bedroom pulling on her SWEATPANTS. A look of disappointment on Joel's face. Suzie is a decent looking woman, about Joel's age. JOEL Man, that Nathan won't shut up. SUZIE Yeah, what an asshole. I don't even go into the front yard anymore. That wife of his is even worse. 11. Suzie plops down on the couch looking tired and pissed off. Joel sits down next to her. SUZIE (CONT'D) We gotta get a new pool cleaner.I don't think that asshole checked the chlorine levels again like I asked him too... Joel puts his arm around her, caresses her shoulder. She doesn't seem to notice as he starts getting fresh. SUZIE (CONT'D) .and every time he is here, he goes on and on about some problem with the goddamn filter, and I have no idea what he's talking about... Delayed reaction -- she notices Joel is getting frisky. He gets closer, starts kissing her neck. SUZIE (CONT'D) (UNCOMFORTABLE) Ah,...Joel? JOEL What? SUZIE I'm sorry. It's just... I'm a little tired, and, I don't know, it's the middle of the week... JOEL It's not the middle of the week. It's Monday. Why can't-- SUZIE Monday? (Freezes, suddenly REALIZING SOMETHING) Oh shit! JOEL (WORRIED) What?! SUZIE Idol! Suzie jumps up with newfound energy, runs for the remote and turns on the TV. Joel just sits there. 12. Suzie plops down in a Barcalounger. SUZIE (CONT'D) Sorry honey. Maybe this weekend. Joel leaves the room. INT. JOEL'S BATHROOM -- LATER [Quick scene of Joel trying to masturbate (off screen of course), but he's too distracted by the sounds of a bad out- of-tune Idol audition blaring through the wall.] EXT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT Establishing shot. A sports bar that's part of a Holiday Inn. INT. SCOREBOARDS -- CONTINUOUS Joel sits at the bar. DEAN, the owner of the bar, late forties, and an old friend of Joel's, sits behind the bar on a stool. JOEL I gotta get a house with a bathroom that's doesn't share a wall with the TV. DEAN Why don't you do that in another bathroom. You've got three of 'em. JOEL It would look suspicious. We never use those other bathrooms... Maybe if I had some insulation put in... DEAN Insulation?... All I know is, you shouldn't move man; you've got a nice house. I mean you've got the American dream really -- you own your own company. I can't believe you used to bar back for me here, and now you've got all that. JOEL But what do I have really? It's a big pain in the ass. (MORE) 13. JOEL (CONT'D) I'm always working; can't stop or the whole place will fall apart. And what good does it do me anyway? I don't get laid. That stock guy with the shitty band that works for me probably gets laid more than I do. DEAN (trying to help) Yeah, but he probably lives in a crappy apartment. JOEL Hell, I'd move into a crappy apartment if the bathroom wasn't right next to the TV. INT. MUSIC STORE - DAY CINDY, a girl in her early twenties, is at the counter looking at a new Gibson hollow-body electric guitar -- one of the really nice ones. The price tag says $3,950. She's beautiful and sexy and all that, but there's something vulnerable and sweet about her as well. Two SALESMEN, typical music store employees -- long-haired, goateed, nerdy cocky guitar-hacks are giving her way too much attention. It's clear that they don't usually have women this hot in their store. They practically stumble over each other trying to help her. SALESMAN #1 Yeah, it's expensive but it's sweet... Are you familiar with the Gibson humbucking pickups? CINDY No, sorry. I don't play. It's for my Dad actually -- for his fiftieth birthday. My sisters and I are all pitching in. SALESMAN #2 Ah, that's nice... Your Dad would love these humbuckings. They really kick ass. An annoyed MALE CUSTOMER has been waiting behind Cindy, trying to get some help, but he might as well be invisible. He tries to address Salesman #2, off to the side. 14. MALE CUSTOMER Excuse me... I just have a quick question... Salesman #2 is oblivious, never takes his eyes off Cindy. SALESMAN #2 (OBLIVIOUS) So, what kind of music did he play? Both Salesmen's eyes are glued to Cindy as Male Customer finally gets sick of waiting and storms off into the keyboard room. CINDY I think he played like, jazz or something. I'm not sure. SALESMAN #2 Well this is an excellent jazz guitar. It's what Pat Metheny plays. SALESMAN #1 Is your Dad into Metheny at all? CINDY Oh, I don't know who that is. Sorry. SALESMAN #2 He's like, a totally kickass fusion guitarist. Are you into fusion? CINDY I don't really know much about it... SALESMAN #2 I play fusion guitar so... Just curious. CINDY Um, do they come in any other colors? SALESMAN #1 You mean different finishes? There's a sunburst finish we might have in stock. 15. SALESMAN #2 Yeah, do you wanna see it? I'll go get it. SALESMAN #1 Or I could go. Whatever. CINDY Are you sure? SALESMAN #1/SALESMAN #2 Oh totally./ No prob!/ I'll show you the case it comes with too. The salesmen practically trip over each other, going into the back to find the other guitar. Cindy stands there alone for a beat. She looks around. Then casually picks up the four-thousand dollar guitar and walks out the front door with it. EXT. MUSIC STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Cindy walks a few yards over to her car, a ' 92 Tercel, puts the guitar in the trunk, gets in and takes off. INT. MUSIC STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION The two Salesmen return -- one carrying the sunburst-finish guitar and the other with the hard-shell case. They look around, notice she's gone. They stand there for a beat, disappointed, before they realize what just happened. SALESMAN #1 Oh shit!... (FRANTICALLY LOOKING AROUND) THE GIBSON! They run out the front door, but Cindy is long gone. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - DAY Joel is at his desk. Brian comes in, excited. BRIAN You're not gonna believe this. Remember the guy from General Mills that called a while back? Talking like he wanted to buy us out? 16. JOEL I thought you said he wasn't serious; he was just sniffing around. BRIAN Yeah, well he's serious now. He just made an offer -- I mean a real offer this time. JOEL You're kidding. BRIAN No. It must be part of some bigger strategic move, because it's over market value I think. JOEL Wow... Joel lets it sink in. He walks over to the window, looking down on the production floor. JOEL I could unload all this... I could probably retire... BRIAN I mean, yeah, there's a lot of details to work out, but this could be great. They'll be calling back next week, what should I tell them? Joel looks down, sees Mary sitting with her arms folded, shaking her head. JOEL Tell 'em hell yes. INT. MANUFACTURING FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Mary sits with her arms folded, refusing to hold the line. MARY I already warned him. This is the last time. I'm just gonna sit here. In SLOW MOTION, we see: 17. - The first box falls off the end of the assembly line, bottles shatter. - Rory, carrying some boxes slips on the broken bottles of goopey extract, falls and slides into an aisle. - A forklift stops suddenly to avoid hitting Rory, causing a huge stack of pallets to fall off. - Quick shot of Mary shaking her head in slow-motion. - Just as Step rounds a corner to see what's going on, the pallets land on a bunch of pipes and high-pressure valves which burst open sending a piece of shrapnel flying across the room heading straight for - STEP'S CROTCH. The shrapnel heads straight for his genitalia, as we CUT TO: EXT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - DAY Step is on a stretcher being loaded into a MEDIVAC helicopter by a couple of EMS guys. Step moans in pain as Joel tries to comfort him. A small crowd of employees watch. ANGLE ON Mary in the crowd, shaking her head. MARY I knew it. That's what happens when you don't pay attention. INT. SCOREBOARDS -- LATER Joel sits at the bar, on a cell phone. Dean sits behind the bar on a stool. JOEL (to the person on the PHONE) Uh-huh... Alright. Let me know if you hear anything else. He hangs up, talks to Dean. JOEL (CONT'D) Well, he's definitely lost one of 'em. They think they might be able to re-attach the other one, but they're not sure. 18. DEAN (shaking his head) Wow... JOEL Yeah... I'm not sure how it happened, but we have a great safety record and we comply with all the safety codes so... it was just a freak accident. There'll be an investigation of some kind I'm sure. DEAN Well, you have insurance for that kind of thing, right? JOEL Oh yeah. Of course. In fact, he'll probably get a huge settlement. DEAN Yeah. I would think so. I mean, it's your balls... Beat, as they contemplate the profundity of it. JOEL Boy it really makes you stop and think about how fragile we are -- especially our balls. They're just hanging there in a little sack between our legs. At any moment they could be cut off forever. DEAN Yeah. And your balls are really important man. Your balls are everything. What kind of life would you have with no testicles? Can you imagine that shit? JOEL Yeah... Beat. JOEL (CONT'D) You know Dean, my life wouldn't be much different than it is now actually. (MORE) 19. JOEL (CONT'D) Except for once every three months when I have sex with my wife. In fact, I might even be better off... DEAN Wait. Three months? I thought you said it was once a month. JOEL I did? I must've been lying. I don't know... Maybe things'll get better when I sell the company. I'll be around more... DEAN Well, I hope so. That would suck... I get laid all the time. (off Joel's reaction) Sorry. JOEL Ah, it's all right... (THINKS) Actually, it sucks. DEAN Yeah, sexual frustration is bad news... You know what you oughtta do? JOEL What? DEAN Get some Xanax. JOEL Xanax? Isn't that for anxiety? DEAN Yeah it is, but I find it's good for just about any phsychological problem. I mean, basically it just makes you feel good, so it sort of works for anything. I even take it when I have a cold. It's probably great for sexual frustration. Want me to get you some? JOEL No. 20. DEAN You know what else is good? Codeine cough syrup. JOEL For what? DEAN It's just good. Joel looks at Dean for a beat. JOEL (CONT'D) Are you on something now? DEAN No... Well, I guess I took some Vicodin this morning. But that was just 'cause I was hung-over. EXT. PAWN SHOP - DAY Establishing shot, a pawn shop in a strip mall. Cindy's car parked out in front. INT. PAWN SHOP - CONTINUOUS Cindy is at the counter, the Gibson guitar we saw earlier is in front of her. A PAWN SHOP GUY is counting out money. He pauses, looks around, then speaks sympathetically to her. PAWN SHOP GUY Um, you know, I'm really not supposed to say this... but since this belonged to your father, and since he passed away and all... (QUIETLY) You could probably get a better deal at a music store. CINDY Oh, that's okay. Thanks. But I just kind of wanna get it over with, you know? It's kind of hard for me. PAWN SHOP GUY I understand. He looks around to see if his boss is watching, then counts off a FEW MORE TWENTIES, feeling sorry for her. 21. PAWN SHOP GUY (cont'd) Here. INT. CINDY'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER Cindy puts the money in her wallet, along with a driver's license. CLOSE ON THE WALLET. Cindy shuffles through three or four different driver's licenses. On one, her name says MISTY PATTERSON. It's a Kansas license. She takes another one out from Colorado, with the name CINDY METZLER on it and puts that in front, then puts the wallet away. A newspaper sits on the front seat. Something grabs her attention. ANGLE ON THE NEWSPAPER: We see an article about Step's accident. There's a picture of Step being taken away on the stretcher. Cindy starts reading the article, with growing interest. CINDY'S POV: She scans the article, zeroing in on certain words, ".. .potentially big settlement..." "...no testicles..." "several million dollars" then back to "no testicles" then quickly back and forth several times -- "million dollars" "no testicles" "million dollars" "no testicles" ON CINDY'S FACE - A look of determination. She looks one more time at the name under the picture -- Don "Step" Wilkenson, then zeroes in on the words "Reynold's Extract." She starts the car and speeds away. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Joel sits with Brian. Brian has a clipboard, going over the day's business. BRIAN So obviously Step's not coming back anytime soon. I had to hire a couple temps. Is that okay? JOEL Yeah, sure. How is Step? 22. BRIAN Better. They say he's going home in a couple of days. Speaking of which, the guys at General Mills heard about this whole Step thing. They're worried. If Step decides to sue us -- beyond the insurance settlement -- it could be a serious liability. They don't want to make an offer until this thing has settled. JOEL Really? They think it's that big of a liability? BRIAN Well yeah. Don't you? I mean, think about it. Imagine if you asked a bunch of jurors how much you'd have to pay 'em to cut their balls off? I mean, I wouldn't let someone cut my balls off for a billion dollars. Seriously -- unless there were some kind of really expensive operation that could give you artificial balls or something. Would you? JOEL No, I guess not. BRIAN Anyway, I wouldn't worry. He says he's not going to sue us. Says he (CRUDE IMITATION) "don't want somethin' fer nothin "' and "What's right is right." If we can just get him to sign something to that effect we should be fine. JOEL Boy, Step sure is being mellow about all this. BRIAN Yeah, well I think when you lose your balls it mellows you out. You don't get as pissed off and aggressive about things. I know it's true for horses, and bulls. 23. JOEL Boy, it sure does make you think.. BRIAN Oh, by the way, guess who asked for a raise today? JOEL Who? BRIAN (GESTURES INDISCRIMINATELY to someone downstairs) Dinkus. Can you believe that? JOEL Brian, you call everyone here "Dinkus." I don't know who you're talking about. BRIAN You know, Forklift-Dinkus? JOEL Oh... I thought you call him "boy- genius." BRIAN Yeah, well boy-genius asked for a raise. I said, "are you kidding? You nearly got someone killed last week," and then he blamed it on Dinkus over there. JOEL You know Brian, you really ought to learn the employees' names. BRIAN Well, I was thinking about that, but hey, if this deal goes through next week, I won't have to. It's not like I'm gonna be inviting Dinkus and Boy-Genius over for dinner. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY Joel stands on one side of his office looking down through a long window overlooking the manufacturing area. Dean comes in, walks over to the window, looks down at the production floor with Joel. 24. DEAN Hey man. What's goin' o-- Whoa! DEAN'S POV: It's CINDY, now working down on the floor, on the assembley line. DEAN (CONT'D) Damn! Who's she? Is she new? JOEL Yeah. She's a temp. DEAN She's a tramp? JOEL No a temp. Quit staring. DEAN Damn, she's hot! Way to go. JOEL Hey, I didn't hire her. She came here through Manpower, like everybody else. They just sent her over. DEAN Manpower, huh? Maybe I should give them a call. You don't usually have girls anywhere near that hot working here. What's the deal? JOEL Yeah, I know. I guess it makes sense though if you think about it. Hot girls need a job just as much as anyone else. DEAN (thinks for a second) Do they really?... Huh... You just don't see 'em here. Usually your temps look like winos. And they're guys. JOEL You wanna hear something really weird? DEAN What? 25. JOEL She came on to me. DEAN No way! Really? JOEL Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty sure. I could be wrong, but... DEAN Hey, I'm sure she did. Are you kidding? You could have any girl down there. JOEL I don't know about that. DEAN I'm serious. Dude, you're the big shot here. You're the king of... What do you call that shit you make here again? JOEL Extract. And spray-dried flavoring, and we're branching out INTO-- DEAN Yeah, you're the Extract King man. You could have any girl here. I mean, I wouldn't want most of 'em, but her... Way to go Joel. Dean looks down at manufacturing area, taking it all in. DEAN (CONT'D) So how did she come on to you? JOEL Well, first she started asking me about what happened to Step and all that stuff -- you know, just sort of making conversation? DEAN Yeah. JOEL But it really seemed like she was flirting with me, you know? (MORE) 26. JOEL (CONT'D) Then, she just sort of asked me out... I think. DEAN Really? How? JOEL Well, you see that guy down there by the fork lift? ANGLE ON Rory, the indi-rock guy with tattoos, etc. JOEL (CONT'D) His band is playing somewhere, at some party this weekend, and she asked me if I wanted to go with her. DEAN Wow. So, you gonna do anything about it? JOEL What? No. No way. I couldn't live with myself if I cheated on Suzie... It'd be nice if I got laid at home once in a while though... DEAN (still staring at her) Man, she is fine. You mind if I hit that then? Beat. JOEL Yeah, I do sort of... We see a COMMOTION down on the floor. Mary runs out of the Women's locker room SCREAMING AND YELLING. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT / MANUFACTURING AREA - CONTINUOUS ACTION Mary runs over to where Hector is working, hysterical. MARY My purse is stolen! It's gone! (pointing at Hector) He did it! He stole my purse! 27. Brian runs over and stands between them, trying to calm Mary down, but she keeps ranting. Hector looks confused and worried. BRIAN Now hold on-- MARY I won't hold on! I'll call the cops! HECTOR (confused, frightened) What? I don'... No comprende... BRIAN (HORRIBLE SPANISH) Espera un momento Hector. Tu sabes donde esta su... uh, purse? ANGLE ON CINDY, watching the whole thing-- completely unfazed.Joel rushes in. JOEL Now wait a second. Calm down Mary. How do you know it was stolen? MARY It's gone! That's how. JOEL Well, what did it look like. MARY It was black with a fur, leopard style border... As Mary describes the purse, we CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S CAR - AFTERNOON Cindy sits in her parked car, going through the purse Mary just described. She takes some cash, puts it in her pocket, then finds what she's looking for -- the address book. ANGLE ON ADDRESS BOOK. Cindy turns to the Ws and finds Step Wilkenson. She notes his address. She starts the car and takes off. 28. EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF STEP'S HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER Cindy sits and waits, listening to the radio. It's a very blue-collar neighborhood. She's about three houses away from Step's house, keeping an eye on it. After a beat, Step limps out of the house, walks over to his pickup truck, painfully gets in, and leaves. Cindy starts the car and follows from a distance. INT. GROCERY STORE - A LITTLE LATER Step wheels his shopping cart into one of the checkout lines. He uses the cart as a crutch to help him walk. Cindy gets in line behind him. She only has one item, a bottle of Reynold's Orange Extract. Step notices her. STEP You can go ahead of me if that's all you have. CINDY (SWEETLY) Thank you so much. (holds up extract bottle) I can't believe I'm buying this stuff -- I work at the factory. STEP Really? I work there too. Or, ah, I used to. CINDY Really? You're kidding! I just started there. What's your name? STEP I go by Step. Yeah, I'm the fastest sorter there... As Cindy and Step get to know each other we CUT TO: INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - NIGHT Joel enters the living room. He first sees the sweatpants, then sees Suzie is sound asleep on the couch. He sighs, then turns and leaves. 29. INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT Joel sits at the bar talking to Dean. Joel is drinking some kind of hard liquor, getting a buzz. JOEL I'm sick of it Dean. I'm sick of being turned down in my own house by my own wife. We're turning into one of those brother-sister couples. DEAN Huh...Now that you mention it, you guys kind of look alike too. JOEL (GROSSED OUT) No we don't! DEAN Okay. JOEL (takes a drink) Maybe things will be better after I sell the company... Or maybe it's just going to mean more time to sit around and contemplate not getting laid. Dean nods sympathetically. DEAN What about that girl at work? She still into you? JOEL Yeah... she was really coming on to me. She gave me her phone number and everything. Told me to call her if I wanted to go to that party. Can you believe that? And there's nothing I can do about it, but just be sexually frustrated. DEAN I've got some Xanax if you want it. Like I say, that always works for me. 30. JOEL No thanks... DEAN Well maybe you should call that girl. JOEL No, I can't. I can't cheat on Suzie. I just gotta power through it until I'm so old that I can't get it up anymore. DEAN What about if Suzie cheated on you? JOEL Hmm... I hadn't even thought of that... (BEAT) I wish she would. DEAN You wish she would cheat on you? Wouldn't that bother you? Joel thinks about it. JOEL No. I don't think it would actually. (occuring to him) I guess that's weird huh? DEAN Yeah, it's a little weird. Sort of. JOEL But see, then I could do something about all this sexual frustration, without feeling guilty about it. DEAN Do you think she would cheat on you? JOEL Nah... DEAN You sure? 31. JOEL (CONSIDERS IT) Well, I don't know. Hmm... Maybe if she were really tempted she would. Like if some really studly guy came on to her. DEAN So you're saying she would probably cheat on you if she was put in temptation's way? JOEL Yeah, maybe. DEAN You know what you oughtta do? JOEL (WEARY) I don't wanna do any drugs Dean. DEAN No, no. Check this out -- If you really wish your wife would cheat on you, it's not that hard to make it happen. JOEL How? DEAN Hire a gigolo to have an affair with your wife. JOEL What? DEAN I'm serious. I know a guy. JOEL (INCREDULOUS) You know a gigolo? DEAN Yeah. JOEL How do you know a gigolo? 32. DEAN This guy Brad. He comes in here all the time. He's a friend of Vic's. You could hire him to have an affair with Suzie. JOEL Come on Dean. DEAN Why not? You said you wouldn't care if she cheated on you. Then you'd be free to go out with that Cindy chick and get your ya-yas out -- with no guilt. Problem solved. (proud of himself) Man, what a great idea. Joel just shakes his head at the whole thing. JOEL You know, maybe I will try some of that Xanax. Dean reaches down under the cash register and whips out a little box and pulls out a pill. EXT. LAKE -- SAME TIME Step's truck is parked out at a lake in the country. He and Cindy sit next to each other on the tailgate, looking at the stars, talking. STEP I just believe that what's right is right. CINDY That's right Step, and what's right is for you to send a message. STEP A message? CINDY You need to send a message so that a horrible accident like this never happens to anyone else ever again. That's what's right. And the way you do that is to take them to court. 33. STEP You think? CINDY Yes Step... That's why I called a lawyer for you -- that guy on all the bus stop benches. STEP Joe Adler? (TOUCHED) You did that for me? CINDY Mmm hmm... I just want you to do what's right Step. They start cuddling, kissing. Cindy pulls away. CINDY I'm sorry Step, your doctor said you shouldn't get aroused. STEP No he didn't. CINDY Maybe it was your lawyer, but he talked to your doctor. And your doctor said it's very important not to get aroused until after the trial... I'm sorry. STEP That's okay... You're so good to me Cindy. They start cuddling again. CINDY Look Step, you're getting me turned on, I'm getting you turned on... I better just go. INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- LATER Joel is starting to look really tweaked as the drug-alcohol combination begins to kick in. Dean is examining a pill under the cash register light, trying to read the small print. He looks concerned. 34. DEAN Shit... Do you remember what color that pill I gave you was? JOEL Huh? DEAN Damn. I don't think it was Xanax. I think that might've been Ritalin... Or "Special K." JOEL (feeling the buzz) Ah, who cares? DEAN It's just that, ah, Special K is a horse tranquilizer, kinda has a weird effect when people take it but... well, don't worry about it... You might not want to drink too much more though. JOEL (beginning to slur his SPEECH) You know that thing you were talking about? About the gigolo? DEAN Yeah? JOEL Do you think it would be wrong to do that? I mean morally wrong? DEAN (with full authority) Oh nooo. Definitely not. What could be morally wrong about it? JOEL I don't know... DEAN Look, if she doesn't want to go for it, she doesn't have to. And if she does, then she's the one who sinned, and then it's perfectly morally right for you to go out and boff whoever you want. 35. JOEL (SLURRED SPEECH) Yeah, I guess you're right. I can't think of anything morally wrong about it either. Beat. JOEL And this guy, he's a friend of yours? What's his name? DEAN Brad. You want me to give him a call? JOEL I don't know. It's kinda weird even talking about it. DEAN Look, this is no big deal Joel. I'm serious. JOEL Really? DEAN Yeah. I mean, you can't lose. Just say you're hiring him to come clean the pool or something. See what happens. If she doesn't go for it, then at least you know you're doing the right thing by being faithful. JOEL Yeah, I guess you're right... I don't know. It's crazy. Dean pours Joel another drink. DEAN Look. Have another drink. Think about it... You know what? Why don't I just call Brad and see what he has to say? JOEL Alright. What the hell. Joel takes a big swig of liquor. 36. INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR - BACK OFFICE -- NIGHT Dean and Joel are talking with BRAD, the gigolo. He's young, blonde, super good-looking, but clearly a complete airhead. Joel looks really messed up now. JOEL So it's two-hundred dollars then? BRAD Yeah, two-hundred. DEAN Well yeah, but don't forget, I'm getting ten percent. JOEL What, so you're a pimp now? DEAN (CONDESCENDING CHUCKLE) I don't think they're called "pimps" when it's with male prostitutes, okay. There's some other word for it -- it's not a "john," but it's something like that. Besides, I'm the one who hooked all this up. And don't worry 'cuz it's coming out of Brad's money anyway. JOEL Alright, alright. (TO BRAD) So it's two-hundred dollars then? DEAN Two-hundred and twenty. JOEL Wait a minute-- BRAD Um, I have a question? JOEL Yeah? Brad looks at Joel, deeply concerned. 37. BRAD So like, are you gonna, like, watch or something? JOEL No no no. God no! It's not like that. I won't even be there. I'll be at work. Remember? We already talked about this. Brad looks blank, like he's not getting it. JOEL What you'll do, is come to my house pretending to be the new pool cleaner. Then you simply try to seduce my wife. Okay? If she doesn't respond, you simply clean the pool and leave. That's all. It's that simple. Hold on Brad for a long beat. BRAD So, uh, you're not gonna touch my ass or anything...? JOEL NO! Try to pay attention okay? I will not be there. I will be at work. You come over to my house while I'm not there, posing as the new pool cleaner and then try to seduce her... Brad finally makes a breakthrough. BRAD Oooh, I see. Sorry man. Yeah, yeah. I get it now. You're not even gonna be there... JOEL Yeah, that's right. BRAD Yeah... cool. No problem. This is gonna be great! JOEL Remember, she might not go for it-- Brad starts to get a little too excited. 38. BRAD Yeah, this is gonna be cool! I can hardly wait! Awesome. Hey man, if you know anyone else who needs -- you know -- what I do, like you know, lonely housewives and shit, maybe you could tell 'em about me, you know... Joel looks on with growing concern as Brad can't seem to stop talking. BRAD Cuz like, I figure if I did a few jobs and I was, like, really good? Then maybe they'd tell their friends, you know, and they'd give me a... what do you call those things? DEAN Referrals. BRAD Yeah yeah, those things. Then those women could tell more women and then it'd be like I was, like, uh... branching or.. DEAN Networking. BRAD Yeah, networking! Totally. Then if I got enough of 'em, maybe I could quit my landscaping job and do this full time. That would be awesome! Cause I hate landscaping. I like getting laid a lot better, and my boss is a total dick... EXT. SCOREBOARDS' PARKING LOT -- NIGHT Joel and Dean are at Dean's car, trying to say goodbye to Brad, who still won't shut up. BRAD Like I say, if your wife has any housewife friends who might-- Dean finally puts his foot down. 39. DEAN Okay, you've said that a few times now Brad. Go on to your car. Okay? BRAD Alright. Cool. Like I say-- DEAN Goodnight Brad. BRAD Okay. See you later. Brad finally leaves. DEAN Let me drive you home. You're in no condition to drive. Joel stumbles into Dean's car. JOEL Are you sure about this guy Dean? He acts like he's never done this before. DEAN Oh no. He does it all the time. Don't worry. He just gets a little excited sometimes. He's cool. JOEL I don't know. He sure doesn't seem too bright. DEAN Yeah well, what do you excpect? He's a whore. DISSOLVE TO: INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM - NEXT MORNING A break room with a kitchen. Joel is badly hungover. He looks like he's about to throw up as he reaches into the cupboard above the sink, downs a couple of aspirin, then drops some alka-seltzer in to a glass of water. Cindy comes in. 40. CINDY Looks like you had one of those nights. (FLIRTATIOUS) Where was I? Joel nods, tries to grin and look cool as he takes a sip of his alkaseltzer. Then his eyes go wide, he almost does a spit-take as something suddenly dawns on him... JOEL Oh shit! He runs out of the room. CUT TO: INT. JOEL'S OFFICE Joel grabs the phone and dials frantically. Dean answers. JOEL Dean? DEAN (V.0.) (WAKING UP) Oh, hey Joel. JOEL Thank God you're home. Ah,... did that really happen last night? I mean, did we go through with it -- with that gigolo stuff? DEAN Ah, yeah. As far as I know. JOEL Shit! What was I thinking?! We gotta call it off. Right now. Can you call that guy, Brad? DEAN Okay... JOEL Tell him I'll pay him anyway, whatever, just don't come over. God, what was I thinking?! 41. DEAN Sure, I'll call him. No problem... Oh wait a second. I don't think I have his number. JOEL What? I thought you called him last night. DEAN Yeah, but I got his number from Vic. JOEL Well get it from him again. DEAN Vic doesn't have a phone right now. JOEL Shit! I'll try information. What's Brad's last name? Pause. DEAN Hmm... it's something like,... I think it's a Mexican name. JOEL (LOSING PATIENCE) Mexican?! The guy's got blonde hair and blue eyes! DEAN Yeah, I thought it was weird too -- a guy like that with a Mexican last name... It's like Lopez, or Sanchez or something. Joel looks at his watch. It's 11:15. JOEL Shit! Joel hangs up the phone, and rushes out the door. INT. RECEPTIONIST DESK IN FRONT OF JOEL'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS ACTION Brian walks in. 42. BRIAN (CONCERNED) Joel, we gotta talk. JOEL Not now Brian. BRIAN Ah yeah, it's kind of important -- kind of really important. It's ABOUT STEP- Joel rushes past him. JOEL Not now! We FOLLOW Joel as he rushes past his SECRETARY. SECRETARY Excuse me Joel? There's a Brad Chavez on line one for you. JOEL I can't, I-- Joel stops suddenly. JOEL Who? SECRETARY Brad Chavez. He said he's done with the job you guys talked about at your house? Do you want me to take a message? Joel looks pale. JOEL Um, no... He's the ah, pool cleaner. I better take that. Joel goes back in his office. HOLD on Brian, confused. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Joel stares at the phone for a beat then picks it up. JOEL Hello? 43. BRAD (V.0.) Hey, is this Joel? JOEL Yes. BRAD (V.0.) Hey, it's Brad. Mission accomplished dude. JOEL What do you mean? BRAD (V.0.) I mean it worked. She totally went for it. JOEL What? What're you...? (looks at his watch) You weren't even supposed to be there for another 45 minutes. BRAD (V.0.) Oh really? I forgot what time you guys said, and I was so excited about it, I just went over there. Joel sits down, freaked out. JOEL (reality setting in) So you mean she actually ah... you guys...? BRAD (V.0.) Yup. It was easy. JOEL (AGITATED) Easy? What do you mean "easy"? BRAD (V.0.) Oh, I don't mean easy like she was easy -- like she was a slut or anything. I just mean it wasn't hard to get her to... Never mind. JOEL No. Tell me. Tell me how it happened. (BRACES HIMSELF) I wanna hear everything. 44. BRAD You sure? JOEL Yeah. BRAD (V.0.) Okay. Well, she let me in, so I went back like I was cleaning the pool... EXT. JOEL'S HOUSE - POOL -- DAY As Brad's dopey narration continues, we see the story he's telling. It plays out like a bad soft-porn flick on Cinemax. We see Brad wiping the side of the pool with a rag. BRAD (V.0.) .I don't know anything about pool cleaning, so I was just faking it. She was in her bathing suit... Suzie comes out and lies on one of the reclining chairs. BRAD (V.0.) .So I struck up a conversation... BRAD This is a really nice house. SUZIE Thanks. BRAD Is it your Dad's house? SUZIE No. It's ours. BRAD Wow, you look so young to be living in a house this nice. SUZIE Oh, thanks. Beat. BRAD Do you have any sunscreen? I forgot mine. 45. Brad's dopey narration comes back in... BRAD (V.0.) I thought that was pretty smart of me -- to ask her to borrow sunscreen. See, 'cuz that way, once she gave me some, I could ask her if she wanted some too, and rub some on her back, instead of just coming out and asking her to rub some on her. Pretty smooth huh?... We see Brad rubbing lotion on Suzie's back as she lies face- down on the chair. BRAD (V.0.) Once I was rubbing the sunscreen on her, the rest was easy... We see Brad's hands working their way down Suzie's back. Just as they start to move down towards her butt, Joel interrupts, YANKING US OUT OF THE FLASHBACK. JOEL Okay that's enough! Stop! INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JOEL I don't need to hear anymore. BRAD (V.0.) Okay, cool. Hey, like I say, if you know of anyone else, or if you ever need me to do it again-- JOEL NO! No. Look, I gotta go. Bye. Joel hangs up the phone and falls back into his chair, in a state of shock. JOEL (quietly, to himself) Holy shit. INT. JOEL'S CAR - LATE AFTERNOON Joel drives home from work. He still looks freaked out. He notices something ahead, and suddenly SLAMS ON THE BREAKS. 46. JOEL Dammit ! JOEL'S POV: Nathan, the guy across the street is in his front yard, puttering around with the mail. JOEL (TO HIMSELF) No... not today... Joel puts the car in reverse, starts to pull behind a parked car in an attempt to hide, but Nathan notices him, waves and crosses the street. Joel reluctantly pulls ahead to his driveway. NATHAN How's it goin'? JOEL Oh, I'm kind of busy actually. NATHAN Yeah. Well I won't keep you. I just wanted to let you know, I got those tickets to that dinner we talked about on the 7th. I think I told you they were forty dollars a piece, but it turns out it's a tad more this year -- fifty-five -- so if I could go ahead and just get a check from you guys... JOEL Look, ah, we can't go. Remember? NATHAN No, this is the 7th. You said you're going out of town on the 17th. JOEL Yeah, but remember, I told you we didn't really want to go to this thing. Nathan looks dumbfounded. Joel is about to snap. NATHAN But I already bought the tickets. I know you said something about her feeling uncomfortable, but, like I say, she won't feel uncomfortable at all -- I guarantee it. (MORE) 47 NATHAN (CONT'D) It's just a whole lot of fun. You guys'll have a great time. JOEL Look, I gotta get going. NATHAN Alright then... Joel starts to pull away. NATHAN (CONT'D) Oh, one more thing -- Joel just keeps driving, almost knocking Nathan over. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - EVENING Joel and Suzie are eating dinner. Suzie has a glow about her, looking better than ever -- relaxed, satisfied, etc. Joel's has a quietly pissed off demeanor. They eat in silence for a beat. SUZIE So... How's work? JOEL It sucks. SUZIE Really? What's wrong? JOEL Nothing. Suzie looks a little puzzled. They keep eating in silence for a beat. JOEL I don't feel well. I'm going to bed. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - JOEL'S OFFICE - DAY From the window in his office, Joel watches Cindy working down on the production floor. Cindy looks up, they make eye contact for a brief moment. She gives him a flirtacious wave. Joel waves back. Then Rory comes by, starts talking to Cindy. 48. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT /MANUFACTURING AREA - CONTINOUS CINDY So you're in a band? RORY .Actually, I'm in five bands right now. But Godscock is basically the same four guys as Fighthead, but Fighthead's more of a thrash/skatepunk thing. Godscock is more melodic stuff. Cindy nods politely. Rory thinks she's interested. RORY (CONT'D) So you comin' Friday? CINDY Yeah, definitely. (looks at her watch) Ooh, I gotta go. Dentist appointment. RORY Cool. Cindy leaves. ANGLE ON Mary, on the other side of the room, watching them. She talks to Gabriella. MARY See, there he goes again, slowing us down. (RE: CINDY) Now she's a good sorter. They need to hire more people like her. GABRIELLA She's so nice too. Hector walks by. Mary just shakes her head. MARY I can't believe he's still working here. You know Silvia can't find her wallet. Thinks it was stolen. And guess who was in the locker room last? Hector. They both look at Hector and shake their heads in disgust. 49. MARY You know, I could get a job at Southwest Airlines. My Niece works there. I'd get better benefits than we get here too. GABRIELLE Mmm hmm. I could get a job at Gemco. You think they would put up with this stuff at Gemco? Mmm mmn. They run a tight ship. MARY That's right. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Joel's POV of Mary and Gabrielle, yacking self-righteously. Joel looks on with disgust... JOEL (TO HIMSELF) Good riddance... Brian steps in, taps on the door. BRIAN You got a second? I think we might have a big problem here. I'm not sure what happened, but all of the sudden Step says he doesn't want to settle anymore. I think he might've talked to a lawyer. Joel goes to his desk, sits down. BRIAN Like I say, General Mills isn't going to make their offer official until this settles. Joel considers this. JOEL I think Step is just chest-beating. He does this all the time. He gets all wound up, talks big, then he always backs down. And that's with his balls. 50. INT. PAROLE OFFICE - AFTERNOON It's a bleak looking office with rows of cubicles. We PAN past several cubicles where hardass parole officers meet with their parolees -- various gang-bangers, drug dealers, junkies, a hideous transvestite prostitute, etc. As we pan, each officer is giving them nothing -- "this is your last chance," "You expect me to believe that?", etc. We continue past officers giving them nothing, giving them nothing, ending on a cubicle with Cindy, where a PAROLE OFFICER is giving Cindy everything -- almost apologetic. PAROLE OFFICER I'm sorry to even bring this up, but you're not living with the drug dealer anymore are you? Cindy's parole officer is a sad schlub of a guy, about 50 with bushy grey hair and a mustache, he has a badge and a gun on his belt. CINDY Nope. I'm staying at Extended Stay until I can find a place... She smiles, flirtatiously waves her key/card. CINDY (CONT'D) See? (SINCERE) I really feel like I've turned my life around. Thanks in large part to you. PAROLE OFFICER (ALMOST BLUSHING) It's okay. I'm just glad to see you're doing so well... Ah, one more thing I just need to ask you: We had a little incident up in Templeton a couple weeks back where someone stole an expensive guitar from a music store? Someone who fit your description. You know anything about that? CINDY Huh? No... I was probably at work that day. 51. PAROLE OFFICER Look Cindy, you realize you can't screw up anymore right? I mean, even something minor, and you could go back to jail for a while this time. I'd hate to see that happen. CINDY Well yeah, but why would I steal a guitar? I've got no musical talent. I'm tone deaf. They both laugh. PAROLE OFFICER Heh heh, So am I. I can't carry a tune to save my life. CINDY Really? Wow... Cindy acts fascinated by Parole Officer's lack of musical talent. He happily goes on about it, forgetting about the guitar... PAROLE OFFICER Yeah, I could barely sing the Star Spangled Banner in school... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - PARKING LOT - DAY It's the end of the workday. People walk to their cars. Joel turns a corner and finds Cindy right in front of him. CINDY Hey Mr. Reynolds. JOEL Oh, hey Cindy. You can just call me Joel. CINDY (FLIRTATIOUS) Okay Joel. So you going to the party tonight? JOEL Oh yeah. Right, that's tonight... (AWKWARD) (MORE) 52. JOEL (CON T - D ) Yeah, I was thinking about it. Are you going? CINDY Yeah, definitely. Maybe I'll see you there? JOEL Yeah, I think I'll probably go. CINDY Do you have the directions? JOEL I'm not sure... CINDY Here, I'll write it down just in CASE Cindy opens her purse. We see at least FIVE WALLETS, SEVERAL WATCHES, JEWELRY, etc. She takes out a pen and a piece of pink, girly stationary and starts writing. CINDY (CONT'D) I'll also put my number on here. In case you want to call me some time -- if you want. Joel blushes awkwardly, like a junior high school kid. JOEL Um... Okay. Sure. EXT. JOEL'S HOUSE - EVENING Joel pulls into the driveway and is STARTLED as he practically runs over Nathan, flagging him down. Joel MUTTERS obscenities as he reluctantly stops and rolls down the window. NATHAN Hi there. Almost missed ya. JOEL Hi. I can't talk right now-- NATHAN Hey, I noticed you guys got a new pool cleaner today. How is he? We're thinking of changing services. 53. JOEL Look Nathan, I gotta... Wait, you mean yesterday, don't you? NATHAN Huh? JOEL The new pool cleaner. You saw him yesterday right? Not today. NATHAN No. It was today. The new guy. JOEL What'd he look like? NATHAN Blonde haired kid, about this high, good looking. Real good looking. IN FACT-- JOEL You sure it was today? Not yesterday? NATHAN Yeah. JOEL You're absolutely sure? NATHAN Yeah. I know it was today, because I came home for lunch. I was gone all day yesterday. Anyway, you think I could go ahead and get that check from ya? Like I say, it's 55 dollars a plate, so that'd be 110 total. There's no tax... Nathan leans up to scratch his back. Joel seizes the opportunity and pulls away, burning a little rubber. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Joel is on his cell phone, yelling in hushed tones at Brad. He has the door shut so Suzie won't hear him. JOEL What the hell were you doing at my house today?! 54. BRAD (V.0.) Oh, umm... nothing. JOEL Bullshit! BRAD (V.0.) Look, don't worry about it bro'. I won't charge you for this one. JOEL Won't charge me for...? You had sex with my wife again?! BRAD (V.0.) Well, I figured we already did it once, so what's the big deal? I mean, she said to stop by if I was in the neighborhood, so... Besides, I'm not gonna charge you-- JOEL Not gonna charge...? God damn you! Yes you are gonna charge me! I'm gonna pay you! You're not having sex with my wife for free! And I better not ever catch you anywhere near my house ever again! Joel slams down the phone. Then realizes it's a cell phone, picks it back up and hits the "End" button. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Suzie is asleep on the couch in her sweatpants. Joel walks through, mumbles something about going to a party. INT. JOEL'S CAR -- NIGHT Joel pulls up to the house where the party is going on. He stays in the car, checking it out. Scanning Joel's POV, we see the band, Godscock, playing in the backyard, with Rory on bass. They are set up on the patio of this small two-bedroom suburban house. Most of the people at the party are crowded around the keg, which is on the other side of the backyard, ignoring the band. The band sounds awful -- loud as hell, unmusical, uninspired. The lead singer sings in that awful Eddie Vedder style, but even more loud and overly dramatic. Rory acts all intense, in stark contrast to the non-intensity of the music. 55. They all have that baggy-shorts tattooed mid-nineties look. It's downright pathetic. There's one drunk guy off to the side banging his head, playing air-guitar and stumbling into the bushes. Joel spots Cindy over by the keg, drinking, mingling. He watches her for a beat, then shakes his head and drives away. CUT TO: INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT Joel sits at the bar talking to Dean, drinking a beer. JOEL I can't believe my wife slept with that guy. DEAN Well... I thought you said it wouldn't bother you. JOEL I guess I didn't really think about it long enough... I just wish it hadn't been so easy for him. DEAN Yeah, I'm tellin' ya, chicks really go wild for that Brad... (Off Joel's look) Sorry. JOEL No, you're right. He may be a stupid, dull-witted moron, but he can get any girl he wants. Me, I had to work for it. I had to work hard, get a career going, take Suzie out a bunch of times, marry her. But not Brad. He gets to waltz into my house and have sex with my wife just like that. Oh, and by the way? That little prick was at my house again today. DEAN No shit? What was he doing? JOEL Take a wild guess. 56. DEAN Wow... You pay a guy to do a job, then he comes back and does it for free. JOEL I'm not going to let him do it for free. No way. I'm paying him. DEAN Really? How much? JOEL Oh, I don't know. The same, I guess. Why? DEAN Hmm... So should I get my twenty dollars from Brad then or... Joel shoots Dean an angry look. DEAN (CONT'D) We can worry about that later... Look at the bright side, now you can call Cindy. JOEL I don't know... I feel weird about it. Besides, she's at the party, she probably won't be home 'til late. DEAN You know what you need to do? JOEL (rolling his eyes) I don't wanna do drugs Dean. DEAN Look, I know I joke around a lot, but this time I'm serious. (like a doctor) You should try smoking a little pot. It's just an herb, it heals. Stress can kill you, and-- JOEL I get paranoid when I smoke pot. 57. DEAN Not when you just smoke a little. Come on. You ever meet my friend Willie? Great guy. Really great guy. (as if it's a positive) He's the guy I got that horse tranquilizer from. JOEL Oh, wonderful. INT. WILLIE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT WILLIE loads up some kind of giant three-foot tall bong and inhales a massive bong-load. He's a burly ex-football player type who looks like he might have an extra y-chromosome or two. Joel watches Willie, feeling a little uneasy. Dean pontificates. DEAN I've been reading about it -- they're making technological advances now, coming up with great drugs that can make you happy and won't leave you with a hangover or nothin'. WILLIE (holding in bong-hit) Right on. Willie finally exhales. The exhale seems to go on way longer than humanly possible, endless amounts of pot-smoke billowing out (accomplished with special FX). He finally hands the bong and lighter to Joel. JOEL Oh, I don't know... I'm kind of a light weight. I think that's too much for me-- WILLIE (still holding out the bong and lighter) Bullshit. DEAN Come on Joel. Don't worry, this stuff isn't that strong. (to Willie, re: Joel) (MORE) 58. DEAN (CON T-D) He gets paranoid when he gets too stoned. Joel looks at Willie then at Dean, then takes the bong, partly out of being intimidated by Willie. JOEL Ah, what the hell. Willie instructs Joel on the bong usage in the same condescending way a weight-lifting instructor would. WILLIE Okay, now this is a gravity bong. Have you ever used one before? JOEL Umm, I think... no. WILLIE Okay, pay attention. Put your thumb right here on the carburetor. When I pull the plunger up and say, "let go" I want you to let go and inhale hard. Joel's POV: Looking down the barrel of the three-foot bong with macho-man Willie holding the lighter at the bowl. WILLIE (CONT'D) Okay exhale! JOEL You know, maybe I should just let YOU GUYS-- WILLIE (starting to get scary) Bullshit! EXHALE HARD! Mostly out of fear, Joel exhales. Willie puts the bong up to Joel's face, lights it and starts lifting the plunger. Then pushes it down. WILLIE (CONT'D) Let go! Inhale! NOW! Joel lets go of the carburator, inhales. WILLIE (CONT'D) (INSANE) GO! GO! HARDER!!! 59. Joel inhales with all his might, sucking up massive amounts of thick pot smoke as Willie pushes down the plunger. STONER-RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: WILLIE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT Willie, Dean and Joel sitting around, completely baked -- especially Joel. (We play most of the scene from Joel's stoned, paranoid POV.) Dean makes some kind of barely audible mumble -- or did he? JOEL What? Long pause. DEAN Huh? Joel's POV: looking from Dean to Willie. Willie sits there with red eyes barely open. Willie turns slowly to Joel. WILLIE Huh? JOEL Oh, I thought somebody said something. Willie looks at Joel, stone-faced, adding even further to Joel's paranoia. He stares at Joel for a long beat. Then, in an instant, he's right up in Joel's face. WILLIE BWAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Joel jumps back, scared shitless. Willie starts laughing his ass off. WILLIE Haaaah ha... The look on your face! (INSANE CACKLE) Man you really do get paranoid when you get stoned. JOEL (fake, timid laugh) Yeah, heh heh... 60. DEAN Hey Joel, why don't you call that chick now? JOEL What time is it? WILLIE Time for you to call her and finally get laid man! (handing him the phone) Come on! DEAN It's twelve thirty. She might be back by now. JOEL Alright. Joel gets the phone number out of his pocket. WILLIE So what's this chick look like? JOEL Oh, she's got brown hair. Pretty hot. Kind of working-class looking... WILLIE What do you mean by that? Willie stares at Joel for a beat. Joel can't tell if he's offended Willie or not. JOEL Umm... Oh you know,... WILLIE Is she kind of slutty lookin'? JOEL Yeah... Beat. Joel's not sure if that was the right answer either. WILLIE Alright! That's how I like 'em. 61. JOEL Yeah... (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH) Kinda nasty, heh heh... Joel starts dialing the number. JOEL (CONT'D) I hope I don't wake her up... (LISTENS) It's busy. DEAN Alright. At least you know she's home. JOEL Yeah. WILLIE Try her again. Come on. Joel hits redial. JOEL Still busy... Man, what kind of person doesn't have call-waiting. WILLIE I don't have call-waiting. I hate call-waiting. Every time I hear that goddamn clicking sound, I wanna put my fist through someone's head. Beat. Once again, Joel doesn't know whether to shit or wind his watch. Willie stares at him, then WILLIE Haaa ha! Man you really do get paranoid when you're stoned... Seriously though, I fuckin' hate call-waiting. JOEL (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Yeah... Willie grabs the phone. WILLIE Here let me dial. You're too stoned. 62. Willie grabs the piece of paper with Cindy's number. He looks at it, starts to dial, then pauses, realizing something. Willie looks up at Joel, with slowly building rage, then hangs up the phone. WILLIE I'll tell you why you're getting a busy signal. This is my number. JOEL Huh? But... Beat. JOEL Oh... You're joking right? Trying to make me paranoid? Joel waits for Willie to start cracking up. He doesn't. He just continues glaring at Joel. We hear the FRONT DOOR UNLOCK. Everyone looks. CINDY enters. CINDY Hi. Sorry I'm late, I... (NOTICING JOEL) Joel? What are you doing here...? Willie stands up and walks over to Joel's chair. Dean suddenly stands up. DEAN Well, it looks like you guys got a lot to talk about here so I think I'm just gonna go ahead and take off. Later guys. Dean bolts. Willie moves in closer on Joel. Joel starts to leave, but Willie blocks him. WILLIE Kinda slutty? Willie grabs Joel and throws him against the wall. Joel tries to make a break for the door, but Willie hauls off and punches him across the face. The ass-kicking begins as we CUT TO: 63. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE -- NIGHT Joel limps into the house, his face bruised black and blue from the ass-kicking. He looks awful. As he limps into the bedroom as quietly as possible, he trips on something, waking up Suzie. She turns on a light and sees Joel. SUZIE Oh my God Joel, are you alright? What happened? JOEL I'm fine. I'm fine. I just ah... got my ass kicked. Go back to sleep. SUZIE What? By who? What happened? JOEL It was just... some guy over at Scoreboards. SUZIE Let me drive you to the hospital. You need to get checked out. JOEL No. I'll be fine. I just want to sleep right now, okay? SUZIE You sure you're okay? It looks like your nose is broken, and your EYE-- JOEL (AGITATED) Don't worry about it! People get their asses kicked all the time! It's no big deal. Go back to sleep. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT BUILDING - MORNING Joel walks past his Secretary. 64. SECRETARY Hi Joel. Brian wanted to see you-- (NOTICING) Oh my God, what happened? Joel keeps walking, MUMBLES something about falling down some stairs, goes into his office and shuts the door. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS ACTION Joel walks over to the window overlooking the production area. He looks down and sees Cindy working, with her back turned. Shakes his head. Brian KNOCKS on the door and enters, looking worried. BRIAN Hi... Did you talk to Step yet? JOEL He isn't returning my calls. BRIAN Shit... We've got problems. He did hire a lawyer -- Joe Adler -- he's that personal injury lawyer you see on all the bus-stop benches. You oughtta see this guy. He's a real piece of shi-- (noticing Joel's face) Oh man, what happened to you? JOEL Oh, I fell down some stairs. BRIAN Damn... Well anyway, I hate to say this, but I think we're screwed. There's no way this Adler guy is gonna settle for anything less then bankrupting us. Says he'll sue us into the stone age. JOEL (clutches his head MISERABLE) Shit... I gotta talk to Step. Brian looks at Joel's bruised face. 65. BRIAN Man, everyone's getting hurt. Cindy came in with a black eye today. You hear how she got it? JOEL Ah... no. BRIAN Step did it. Can you believe that? JOEL No he--! (CATCHES HIMSELF) What? Where did you hear that? BRIAN That's what she told Mary. JOEL But... Step? Does he even know her? BRIAN Apparently they've been going out. JOEL What?! BRIAN I know, it's weird. They didn't even meet here. They met at a grocery store or something. Just a total coincidence. Joel looks down at Cindy on the production floor, his mind reeling. BRIAN Anyway, we're gonna have to hire a couple of new people because CINDY'S QUITTING-- JOEL Really? BRIAN Yep. And if it's okay with you, I'd like to go ahead and fire Hector. JOEL Fire Hector? What for? 66. BRIAN You know, Mary's purse? Sylvia's wallet? It's gotta be him. Who else could it be? Joel looks down at Cindy with growing suspicion. JOEL No. Don't fire him. Just trust me on this. Give him another week. If anything else is stolen, then you can fire him. BRIAN (PUZZLED) Alright. If you say so. Brian looks Joel over. BRIAN (CONT'D) Man, are you okay? Have you seen a doctor? Joel's Secretary BEEPS in. SECRATARY (V.0.) Joel, Dean is on line one for you. JOEL Okay, thanks. (TO BRIAN) I better get this. Brian leaves. JOEL (CONT'D) Hello. DEAN Hey man. Sorry I bailed on you like that last night. It's just that I don't like to get involved in other people's personal shit, you know what I mean? JOEL Uh-huh. DEAN I didn't even know Willie had a girlfriend. She must be new. Man, Willie looked pissed. (CHUCKLES) (MORE) 67. DEAN (CON T'D) I thought he was gonna take a swing at you there for a second. JOEL He did take a swing at me Dean. Several swings. In fact, he beat the living shit out of me. DEAN Whoa, really? JOEL Yes. DEAN Wow. Man, that really goes to show you -- this town is smaller than you think. You really gotta be careful. Joel hangs up and walks out of his office, past his Secretary. JOEL I'm not feeling well. I'm going to go home early. INT. JOEL'S CAR -- DAY Joel turns the corner to his house and does a double-take as he sees BRAD'S TRUCK going the opposite direction. JOEL Shit! Joel slams on the brakes, turns around, chases Brad's truck down and cuts him off, forcing him to stop. They both get out of their vehicles. Joel is livid. JOEL What the hell were you doing on my street again?! BRAD Dude, you weren't supposed to be home for another four hours-- Whoa, what happened to your face? JOEL (trying to improvise a tough, snappy comeback, but can't quite make it WORK) (MORE) 68. JOEL (CONT'D) The same thing that's gonna happen.. Your face is gonna look worse if... GOD DAMMIT! If I ever catch you anywhere near my house or my wife again, I'll have you arrested. BRAD For what? Suzie let me in. Joel is stumped -- Brad actually has a point. JOEL What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Do you do this with all your clients -- just keep coming back and hanging around? BRAD I don't know. This is my first one. JOEL What?! I thought you were a professional! BRAD Look man, I know she's your wife an' shit, but you might as well know -- I think we're in love. JOEL In love?! (COMING UNGLUED) HA! Man are you stupid. You are so goddamn dumb. You think she loves you? You're nothing but a piece of ass to her. That's all. BRAD I don't think so dude. JOEL Oh, you don't think so "dude?" Well did you ever think about this: she doesn't even know that I paid you to have sex with her -- did that cross your small mind? BRAD Uuh.. 69. JOEL How about I go home right now and tell her? Tell her you did it for the money. How about that loverboy? Brad suddenly looks worried. This really freaks him out. BRAD You wouldn't do that. JOEL You don't think so? Watch me. BRAD (realizing he's serious) No... Dude, please don't. Please? Joel starts back to his car. BRAD Look man, we really have a special thing going on. Please don't mess it up... Joel stops. JOEL Don't mess it up?! You're talking about my wife! My house! Stupid- ass! Joel gets in his car and starts it. BRAD (calls out to him) Dude, you can't do this to me. JOEL Oh yes I can... Joel peels out, drives half a block and turns into his driveway. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Joel walks in, still pissed off. Suzie is sitting on the couch, a little surprised to see him. SUZIE Oh hi. You're home early. 70. JOEL (COLD) Hi. Joel walks over to the sliding glass door, looks outside at the pool. It's filthy. JOEL So how was that new pool cleaner? Suzie is caught off guard -- wonders if she's busted -- but she plays it cool. SUZIE Um... What do you mean? JOEL What do you think I mean?... Did he do a good job cleaning the pool? SUZIE Ah... well-- JOEL Did he get all the... leaves? It doesn't really look that clean. I mean I'm looking at it, and I'd say it's pretty goddamn filthy. Did the guy even clean it at all? It sure doesn't look like it. SUZIE (NERVOUS) Well yeah, I guess he didn't do a very good job. JOEL I think he did a horrible job. I don't think we should use him anymore. SUZIE Okay. JOEL Okay. Suzie watches Joel leave, a slight look of guilt on her face. SUZIE Are you all right, Joel? You want an aspirin or anything? 71. JOEL No. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Quick shot of Joel staring up at the ceiling shaking his head, can't believe all this. EXT. STEP'S HOUSE -- NEXT DAY In a WIDE SHOT we see Joel's car is parked on the street. He walks up and rings the doorbell. We see Step answer, talk to him and then invite him in. INT. STEP'S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Step and Joel enter. Step's 300 POUND HALF-BROTHER sits on a ratty couch watching TV, drinking a huge plastic bottle of Pepsi. He looks like he's been sitting there for years. The TV is deafeningly loud. STEP Wow, I don't think you've ever been to my house before. Have you? JOEL (talking above the TV) Yeah, I don't think so. I would've remembered... STEP This is my half brother Phil. Joel starts to motion "don't get up," then realizes that's not happening anyway. Phil nods. JOEL Hi... Hey Step, can we talk in another room. STEP Sure, let's go out back. EXT. STEP'S HOUSE - BACK YARD -- A LITTLE LATER Joel and Step sit at a picnic table. 72. STEP You know, my lawyer told me not to talk to you. (BEAT) You're not here to try to talk me out of suing are you? JOEL Oh, no... No, I'm just kind of curious about... ah... So you've been going out with Cindy, huh? STEP Yes sir. She's my girlfriend. We might even get married after all this lawsuit-settlement stuff gets worked out. JOEL .so some of the guys at work are saying you gave Cindy that black eye. STEP What? That ain't true at all. JOEL Yeah, I know it's not. STEP She got it from falling down some stairs. JOEL Hmm... Look, you might wanna be careful with Cindy. STEP (DEFENSIVE) What do you mean? JOEL Well, I'm not sure how to put this, but... You know, you got a lot of money coming your way with this settlement. You might wanna be CAREFUL-- STEP Oh no. No, she didn't even know about that 'til after we started going out. 73. JOEL You sure about that? STEP Oh yeah. I didn't tell her about it for a while 'cuz I was kind of embarrassed, you know? You don't tell a girl you just met that you lost one of your balls. Especially a girl as hot as Cindy. JOEL Yeah... (DELICATELY) You know she lives with this guy Willie right? STEP That's her ex. She broke up with him. She's gonna move out. She just needs to get all her stuff outta there. JOEL You sure about that? STEP Oh yeah. She's moving in with me. JOEL Oh. Hmm... STEP Look, I know Cindy's got some problems, but she means well. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. JOEL Well, okay... If you say so. Another thing -- you just might want to watch your back. Some of the guys at work who think you gave Cindy the black eye were talking about paying you a visit -- you know, getting even. STEP Oh. Well I'm not worried about that. (dead-serious, proud) I could kick anyone's ass at that whole company. 74. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - DAY Brad and Suzie are by the pool which is filthy. Brad starts coming on to Suzie. She pushes him away. SUZIE No Brad, we can't. I'm sorry, but we have to stop doing this. BRAD Why? SUZIE It's not right. I feel horrible. Besides, I think Joel's getting suspicious. And you gotta start cleaning the pool too. BRAD But I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I've been with a lot of chicks. SUZIE (TURNED OFF) Uh-huh... Look Brad, the truth is I love my husband. I really do. This was all a big mistake. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me, but we have to stop this. I want to make my marriage work again. I'm going to tell Joel about the whole thing and just hope he forgives me. And even if he doesn't, at least I won't be carrying around this horrible feeling. I just can't stand that he doesn't know. BRAD Uh... This doesn't mean we can't still see each other though, right? SUZIE Ah, yes it does. BRAD Why? SUZIE Because of all the things I just said. (MORE) 75 SUZIE (CONT'D) (PATIENTLY) Do you need me to say them again? BRAD Can I see you tomorrow? SUZIE No. BRAD (PLEADING) How about next week? SUZIE No. Look, you gotta go Brad. Joel could be home any second. BRAD I'll call you tomorrow. SUZIE (just trying to get rid of HIM) Okay. Okay, just go and we'll talk later. Brad leans to kiss her, she pushed him away and he finally leaves. SUZIE (TO HERSELF) God, what a moron. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - DAY Joel sits deep in his chair, bummed out, staring down at the manufacturing area. Brian walks in. BRIAN So... you ready? JOEL Huh? BRIAN The meeting with Step's lawyer. Or lawyers I should say. It's today remember? JOEL Oh shit... Alright. Joel drags himself out of the chair. 76. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - CONFRENCE ROOM - DAY JOE ADLER, is holding court with the various lawyers and paralegals waiting for the meeting to start. As promised, he is awful. He looks like Henry Winkler with an extra Y chromosome and a lot of steroids. (Maybe cast Gene Simmons with his hair pulled back in a pony tail.) ADLER .You see, if both his balls had been knocked clean off, he would be a good case, but not a great case: A man with no balls is no man at all. He's a freak. He's barely human. He's gross. And a jury will never feel like they can walk in the shoes of a ball-less, neutered, he/she freak. But Step. He's still got one ball - barely. He's still a man. A man who's very manhood has been jeopardized, but still a man. And that manhood, that very sense of what you are as a human being is hanging by a thread. Jesus, you can't get more dramatic than that. That brave ball, hanging on for dear life, hanging on for justice, is going to be the hero of this trial. I'm tellin' ya this Step guy is the fuckin' Holy Grail, the Powerball Jackpot. And you all laughed at me when I bought those bus bench ads. But I knew the asses of those poor slobs that sit on those benches and ride those sweaty, stinking, cattle cars are our future. And I -- Joel and Brian walk in. ADLER Oh, hello. I'm Joe Adler... Everybody starts introducing each other. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - EMPLOYEE BREAK ROOM - DAY A bunch of employees including Mary, Garielle, and Rory are talking, getting worked up. 77. RORY .And when they sell the company, Joel and Brian are gonna be the one's who get rich, and-- MARY And we're the ones doing all the work. GABRIELLE That's right. RORY It's bullshit man. We should get a piece of it. I work my ass off. MARY Gabrielle and I work harder than anybody. I should be making what Brian makes. If you add up all the crates I move, I lift 10,000 pounds a day. Minimum. GABRIELLE That's right. Here he's gonna make a million dollars, and we're the ones who do everything. I went to college. For three years. MARY If we quit, this place couldn't run. They wouldn't be able to sell this place for anything. JIM, a tall skinny 50-something guy with a ridiculously big mustache and a little paunch, chimes in. JIM That's why what we should do is, is we should all go on strike -- demand stock in the company before it sells. If General Mills knew we were on strike, they wouldn't buy this place until the strike was over. That way they'd have to give us stock. Jim points to his head, gives everyone a "how's that" nod. It starts to build steam. RORY That's right man. We should do it. We should strike. 78. MARY That's right. I could get a job at Gemco like that. At Gemco, all the employees are owners -- even says so on the name tags. GABRIELLE Mmm hmm. I could get a job at Southwest Airlines... INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - CONFRENCE ROOM - DAY The meeting is already in progress. On Adler's side of the table are two other lawyers and a couple of paralegals. On Joel's side it's just he, Brian and Joel's secretary. Maybe one lawyer who doesn't say much. Everybody has in front of them a small stack of documents. The confrence room, like Joel's office, has a full length window facing the manufacturing area. ADLER Ok gentlemen. We've gone through everything and the only way we would even begin to consider a settlement would be to the tune of the number you see on the bottom of page 18. Does everyone have this? Joel and the rest of them find page 18. Joel is stunned by the number. JOEL What!!!? (so pissed he can barely get the words out) We don't have this much money! Not even close! ADLER Not in cash you don't. Of course not. But if you were to sell off your assets: the property lease, the equipment, the-- JOEL What the ff-- Are you shitting me!? That would bankrupt us! BRIAN This is what I've been trying to tell you Joel... 79. JOEL If you think I'm just going to give up this entire company that I built from the ground up-- Adler jumps up, dripping with phoney, forced indignation. ADLER How about what my client gave up!? His testicles! How about that!? He walks over to the door... ADLER In fact, I'll make a deal with you - - we will drop this case right now if you come over here and put your testicles right here (indicates the space between the door and the HINGES) and let me slam this door like this... Adler SLAMS the door ridiculously hard. ADLER Go ahead. We can settle this right now -- call it even. I will drop this case right now if you let me slam your balls in this door, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CLIENT! JOEL It was an accident! ADLER Not according to our investigation. We believe that, in fact, there was gross negligence... INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - MANUFACTURING AREA - CONTINUOUS The employees, same ones in the breakroom, are milling around, talking, the idea of the strike gaining momentum. Rory points up to the confrence room. RORY I heard those guys up there are the guys from General Mills. 80. Employees' POV: Adler pacing around, yelling, Joel yelling back, etc. [They can't hear any of it.] MARY Mmm hmm... JIM See, now they're probably up there negotiating right now -- cuttin' up the pie that we baked. That's what it looks like to me. The employees all nod in agreement. Employees POV: Adler pointing at his balls, pointing to the door again, about to slam it. One of his lawyers stops him. RORY We gotta act fast. They could be about to close the deal. JIM Yeah, and leave us out in the cold. RORY Yeah, then it's too late. If they've already sold it we can't get a piece of it. We gotta act fast. We need to do one of those walk outs. JIM Well, we better do it now. RORY Okay, who's in? We need a show of force. Come on, it's now or never... We PAN around the employees as the idea builds momentum, ending on HECTOR, who looks completely confused by it all. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - CONFRENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS The meeting heats up. 81. ADLER Okay then, let me go back to my previous offer: I will gladly come down on that price -- I'll come all the way down to zero and drop this case -- if you go over there right now and slam your testicles in that door! Because-- JOEL I don't wanna slam my testicles in the door! I want you to be reasonable! You won't even budge one penny! Come on! ADLER Like I say, if you slam your-- JOEL I'll slam your balls in the door! ADLER I'm sorry, did you just threaten me? Brian puts his hand on Joel, motions him to calm down. BRIAN Look, we need to cool off a minute. We'll be right back. Brian leads Joel out of the room. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS JOEL I don't need this. I'm going home. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - MANUFACTURING AREA - CONTINUOUS Joel walks down the stairs. The group of employees see him and ready themselves for the big confrontation. Joel notices them all looking at him and stops. JOEL Yeah?... What? But they are ill-prepared. No one knows who should talk first. It's incredibly awkward. They all look at each other and mutter things like, "go ahead" "you first". Finally... 82. RORY Umm... We were just uh... JIM Well, Rory was talking about how you guys are doing this deal with General Mills and we just think that ah... We were considering the idea of ah... RORY Well, we just think that we should maybe get a piece of it, you know cuz we do all the work... And if we don't... um... Joel's in no mood for this. He goes off on them. JOEL You know what? Fine. Fine. You're all in charge -- all of you. (gestures to all the EMPLOYEES) As of now. You run the goddamn place. Go ahead. In fact, you can go up there right now and meet with Adler. He may slam your balls in the door, but woohoo! You're the boss! Joel storms out, leaving the employees standing there. A BICKERING MATCH erupts over who was supposed to do the talking, who said they would say what, who backed down first, etc. "I was gonna say something but you interrupted," "You didn't say anything when he was leaving, so I thought you were quitting. I would've stood up to him." As the argument dies down, one by one they all go back to their posts, muttering. INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Joel is sitting at the table, picking at some food, looking miserable. Suzie comes over, gathers up her nerve. SUZIE Listen Joel, there's something I have to tell you. I think we need to be honest with each other. Suzie sits down. 83. SUZIE (CONT'D) I'm not sure how to say this, but -- well, you've been so caught up in you're work lately, and I'm here alone all day and sometimes I just-- JOEL You banged the pool cleaner. SUZIE Wha... Suzie is stunned. JOEL That's what you're trying to tell me right? You had sex with Brad? SUZIE You knew? JOEL Yes I knew. I hired him. SUZIE Well I know you hired him, but how did you know about-- JOEL I don't mean I hired him to clean the pool, I mean I hired him to have sex with you. SUZIE What? JOEL He's a gigolo Suzie. Suzie is stupefied. SUZIE But... what... Why? Joel is so fed up, he just tells her everything. JOEL I hired him to have an affair with you so that I could have an affair without feeling guilty. I was really drunk and on some kind of horse tranquilizer and-- 84. SUZIE Brad was getting paid?... (disbelief, hurt) So you've been paying Brad this whole time? All fifteen times?! JOEL FIFTEEN TIMES?! Jesus Christ Suzie! Joel sinks into his chair, shaking his head. JOEL (CONT'D) I only paid him once -- well, twice. The rest was on the house. Long beat as Suzie tries to let it all sink in. SUZIE You wanted to have an affair with another woman? JOEL Yes. But I didn't. Suzie paces around for a moment, reeling, processing all this. Then, decisively, SUZIE You asshole. JOEL Oh, I'm the asshole? SUZIE Yes! How could you? JOEL (LAUGHS) How could I? How could you?!!! You didn't have to have sex with him. You could've simply said "No thanks. Just clean the pool," but you didn't, did you?! No, you took him up on his little offer and had sex with him -- fifteen times! SUZIE None of this would've happened if you hadn't hired him. 85. JOEL Okay. I'll admit, I made a big mistake. I was drunk, on drugs, stressed, sexually frustrated and I shouldn't have hired a male prostitute to seduce you. But if you had simply been faithful, none of this would've happened. Suzie just looks at him for a beat. SUZIE You're sick, you know that? Beat. Joel can't really argue this point. JOEL What do you see in Brad anyway? He's borderline retarded. You probably could've been arrested for having sex with a guy that dumb. SUZIE That's it. I'm leaving. Suzie heads for the door. Joel follows after her. JOEL No. You're not leaving me. I'm leaving you! SUZIE Fine. Joel opens the door, about to storm out, only to find NATHAN, standing right there about to ring the doorbell. NATHAN Oh, hey guys. Glad I caught ya. You guys hardly ever answer the door. Heh heh. They are both so flustered, they can barely talk. SUZIE Now's not a good time Nathan. Joel turns around, storms off back into the house. NATHAN Oh, you guys goin' somewhere? 86. SUZIE No. Look, we can't talk right now. NATHAN Well, you think I could go ahead and get that check from ya then? I'm just trying to balance my checkbook here... SUZIE Now's not a good time. NATHAN When would be a good time, you think? SUZIE I don't know. NATHAN See the thing is-- SUZIE Okay tomorrow. NATHAN Great, what time? SUZIE I don't know. Just come by tomorrow. I can't talk now. NATHAN Okay great. And if you could just go ahead and have that check, that'd be great. It's a hundred and ten. That's two plates at FIFTY-FIVE-- SUZIE Yeah, Okay... Suzie shuts the door, cutting him off. EXT. EXTENDED STAY AMERICA SUITES -- DAY Joel checks into an Extended Stay America hotel.(a chain of hotels that rent by the week.) Quick shot of Joel sitting alone in the room. He drops his suitcase and glumly sits down on the bed, grabs the remote. 87. He turns on Spectravision and surfs the Adult titles, decides he's not into it and switches back to regular TV only to find American Idol is on. He stares at it for a beat, then flops down on the bed and stares at the ceiling. INT. SCOREBOARDS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT Joel sits at the bar, drowning his sorrows. Dean is over by the cash register, tending to some business. Brad enters, walks over to Joel. Joel looks the other way. BRAD Hey man... I know you probably want to kick my ass, but-- JOEL I couldn't kick your ass if I wanted to. You're a good 10 years younger than me, and I'm a pussy. So why don't you just leave me alone. BRAD I just wanted to tell you, I'm not gonna see Suzie anymore. You don't have to worry. Joel keeps drinking his beer, stares straight ahead. BRAD The last time I was over there, she broke it off; told me to quit coming over... She said she was gonna tell you everything -- you know, about us. She's really into you dude. I guess that's why she married you an' shit... You're a lucky guy... Sorry if I messed shit up. Beat. Joel takes another swig. JOEL Why'd you have to get hung up on Suzie? You could have any girl you want. BRAD Yeah, but I want Suzie. And I can't have her. JOEL You had her fifteen times. 88. BRAD Yeah, but she doesn't love me dude. It's just not the same... Anyway, just wanted to tell you that. JOEL Well... You told me. BRAD Alright, later... Brad starts to leave. Then he stops, turns around. BRAD Oh, one more thing... I quit my landscaping job... And I don't think I'm really cut out to be a gigolo. So I was wondering if you had any openings over there at your extract place? JOEL (EXASPERATED SIGH) Brad, you had sex with my wife. I'm not gonna give you a job, okay? BRAD Okay... Sorry man. Brad walks away. Joel stares at his beer for a beat, thinking. He calls out to Brad. JOEL Hey Brad?... Brad stops. BRAD Yeah? JOEL I don't know... Maybe come by the office tomorrow. Fill out an application. I'll see what I can do. BRAD Cool. Thanks man. 89. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY Brian sits with Joel. They both look pretty miserable. Brian looks down at some papers, shaking his head. BRIAN We're screwed. General Mills has pretty much withdrawn the offer pending a really favorable settlement with Step. (shaking his head) Not only do we not sell the company, we could wind up bankrupt. JOEL (muttering to himself) So I don't sell the company, don't get the money, I'm bankrupt, I don't get Cindy, I paid a guy to have sex with my wife, and she actually did it... BRIAN Excuse me? JOEL Nothing. EXT. JOEL'S HOUSE - POOL -- DAY Suzie is trying to clean the pool herself, struggling with the long pole with the net at the end. She looks miserable. NATHAN (O.S.) Hello? Nathan enters through the back gate. SUZIE (MUTTERS) Shit... Nathan walks over to Suzie. She's in no mood for this. She acts as unfriendly as possible. NATHAN Why are you cleaning the pool yourself? That new guy didn't work out? 90. SUZIE Yeah, didn't work out. NATHAN Boy, you just can't get good help, eh? SUZIE Yeah. NATHAN So, did you get a chance to write that check? SUZIE Look Nathan, Joel and I aren't going to that dinner okay? Nathan acts deeply disappointed. NATHAN Well gee, I wish you would've told me that before I went and bought the tickets. SUZIE Joel never agreed to this Nathan, and neither did I. NATHAN Well, it sure sounded like you guys were going. Leslie was gonna talk to you about it, but you didn't return our calls. I mean, I already bought these tickets. They're nonrefundable. I really wish you guys had been a little more clear with me... It's the last straw. Suzie has had enough. She unleashes all her pent-up aggression on Nathan. SUZIE Okay, let me be really clear with you then. When we say "I don't think so," or even "I'm not sure," that means "no." Why can't you understand that? NATHAN Well, I just-- 91. SUZIE Shut up! In fact, let me be even more clear with you. We don't like you! Is that clear enough? You're dull, you never shut up, you never listen, and we don't want anything to do with you ever again! Nathan freezes, in some kind of state of shock. He starts to shake a little. Suzie just keeps going -- it feels too good to stop. SUZIE Is that clear enough for you Nathan?! Is that...? Nathan starts to go into some kind of seizure. SUZIE (WORRIED) Nathan? Nathan's eyes roll back into his head, and he collapses. Suzie SCREAMS. EXT. EXTENDED STAY AMERICA SUITES -- NIGHT Joel pulls into the parking lot. He looks surprised, seeing something on the other side of the lot that gets his attention. JOEL (TO HIMSELF) No way... From JOEL'S POV, we see Cindy pull up and get out of her car. Joel watches as she gets out with a grocery bag and heads up the stairs. Joel gets out and watches her from a distance. He sees her go into a room and shut the door. He stares up at the door for a beat. Then, with a look of determination, Joel walks up the stairs and knocks on her door. INT. CINDY'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS ACTION Cindy opens the door, a little startled to see Joel, but pleasant to him. CINDY Oh... Joel. I ah,... 92. JOEL Hi. CINDY What're you...? What's up? How'd you know I was here? JOEL Ah, actually, I'm staying here too. Down on the first floor, around the back. I thought I saw you so I ah... CINDY Well, come in. Joel enters, stands in the living room. Cindy heads in to the kitchen. CINDY (O.S.) Do you want something to drink? I think all I have is Diet Coke. Joel notices MARY'S PURSE lying on the coffee table. He stares at it. JOEL No thanks. Cindy comes back in with a Diet Coke. CINDY Have a seat. Joel remains standing, looking at the purse. JOEL That's Mary's purse... Isn't it? CINDY What? JOEL Right there. That's Mary's purse. CINDY Oh that? No, that's mine... So how are things at work? JOEL That's Mary's purse. You stole it, didn't you? 93. Cindy acts like he's being silly. There's nothing about her demeanor that would make anybody think she's lying. CINDY No. It probably just looks like it. There's a lot of those. JOEL I've never seen another one. You probably have Sylvia's wallet in here somewhere too, don't you? And everything else that's been stolen from my employees. CINDY Joel, are you okay? JOEL No, I'm not. That's Mary's purse Goddammit! Okay? Everyone blamed Hector. He almost got fired. Doesn't that bother you? CINDY (innocent, sweet) Joel, I don't know what you're-- JOEL Hector! Hard working guy, never did anything wrong. And what are you doing with Step? You're trying to screw him out of his settlement money aren't you? CINDY I have no idea what you're talking about. JOEL Yes you do! You're the only reason he's suing us aren't you? You know how much work it took for me to build up that company? You just don't care about anybody do you? What are you, some kind of sociopath? Cindy looks like Joel might be getting to her. JOEL (CONT'D) You can't even admit that you stole this purse can you? You just can't do it. (MORE) 94. JOEL (CONT'D) In fact, you probably can't tell the truth about much of anything, can you?... Cindy turns away from him, looking down at the floor. JOEL I bet Cindy's not even your real name is it? Who are you? Where the hell are you from? Cindy, still looking away, doesn't answer. JOEL (CONT'D) You can't answer can you? Because if you said one true thing, you'd have to tell the truth about something else and then it would all unravel wouldn't it? Then you'd have to admit that you stole this purse and God knows what else. Beat. Cindy still looking away, down at the floor. We see her eyes well up, about to cry, but Joel doesn't notice. JOEL (COMPOSES HIMSELF) Well, I'm leaving now. Joel picks up the purse. JOEL And I'm taking this purse with me. If it really is yours, you can call the police and tell 'em I stole it... In fact, I'm gonna call the police and report it... Joel walks towards the door. Then Cindy slumps down on the couch, mutters something, still looking down at the floor, her voice cracking slightly. CINDY Please don't... Joel stops. JOEL What? 95. CINDY (still looking down) Please don't report it to the police. I'm on probation. I'll go to jail. For a long time. JOEL Well... Maybe you should've thought about that before you started ripping off my employees. Joel starts to open the door. CINDY Joel? Please? I'll leave Step alone. I promise. He'll drop the lawsuit. Joel considers this. JOEL How do I know that? CINDY You can keep the purse. If I don't leave him alone; if he doesn't drop the lawsuit, then you can report me. Please? Beat. JOEL Hmm... I guess that ah... Do you have Sylvia's wallet, and Jim's watch? Can I get those too? Beat. Cindy nods, still looking down. Joel considers it. JOEL Well... Okay then. I guess that works. (REALIZING) And I guess you just admitted that you stole the purse. That's good, I guess... A step in the right direction... Joel sits down on the couch also. With her head still down, Cindy is weeping quietly. Joel doesn't notice, looking straight ahead. 96. JOEL So what's your deal anyway?... I mean, how did you end up like this? Joel finally looks over, notices that she's crying. He's caught off guard. JOEL .Ah... Cindy? Cindy breaks down and starts bawling. JOEL (CONT'D) Okay, now you see... that's what I'm talking about. You're trying to manipulate me now, and I'm not gonna fall for it... Cindy starts bawling even harder. JOEL (CONT'D) I really hope you're not faking this right now, because I'm feeling really bad. Are you faking it? Cindy shakes her head "no." JOEL I'm sorry, I was just curious, you know, how a person ends up like... this... Cindy suddenly starts BAWLING hysterically. Joel stands there awkwardly, not sure if he should hug her or comfort her in any way. JOEL Never mind. I'm sorry... Joel tentatively puts a comforting arm around her and she leans in to him, crying on his chest. He puts his other arm around her and she snuggles in even closer. As her crying gradually subsides she snuggles in even more. Finally, she lifts her head and they start kissing. As they get hot and heavy we DISSOLVE TO: 97. EXT. EXTENDED STAY AMERICA SUITES -- MORNING Wide shot of the Hotel. It's a beautiful morning. INT. CINDY'S ROOM - DAY Joel wakes up, looking more relaxed than we've ever seen him. We PULL OUT to reveal that he's alone in Cindy's bed. He sits up, yawns. He has a big satisfied smile on his face. JOEL Cindy? He looks around, realizes he's alone. Then suddenly looks worried. JOEL (CONT'D) Oh shit! He scrambles for his pants, then looks relieved as he realizes his wallet is still there. He sets down the pants, then after a beat, picks them up again, checks inside the wallet and sees there's still cash and credit cards. Then he looks up at the chest of drawers and sees: Mary's purse, Sylvia's wallet, and a watch, placed side by side. He lies back in bed, and shuts his eyes, grinning again. INT. REYNOLD'S EXTRACT /MANUFACTURING AREA -- MORNING Extract bottles moving along the assembly line full steam. Mary and Gabriella gossiping. MARY (looks at her watch) Joel hasn't been in all morning. can you believe that? GABRIELLE If we come in late, we get fired. And here we're working our tails off, and he's gonna get rich. Joel walks in, bright-eyed and cheery, greeting people. He walks over to Mary carrying her PURSE. JOEL Here you go Mary. 98. Joel hands her the purse. Mary looks at it, not quite sure how to react, not ever wanting to appear grateful for anything -- not in her nature. JOEL (CONT'D) And by the way, Hector didn't take it. Cindy did. Joel walks off. Mary just shakes her head at him. She whispers to Gabriella. MARY Can you believe that? Blaming Cindy just to protect Hector. INT. JOEL'S OFFICE - DAY Joel is at his desk. Brian comes in. BRIAN Step's here to see you. JOEL Really? Bring him in. BRIAN No, he's outside. At the loading dock. Wants to talk to you alone back there for some reason. (CRUDE IMMITATION) "Man to man." EXT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - LOADING DOCK Step is pacing around, waiting. Joel comes out. JOEL Hi Step... STEP Hey. JOEL How you doin'? How's your, ah... STEP (looking down at his CROTCH) Oh it's okay. Some days it still hurts, but they've got me on some pills. It's not too bad I guess... 99. JOEL Well... that's good. They both sit down on the edge of the dock. STEP Look, ah... Cindy left me. Joel's nods, not surprised, but sympathetic. JOEL Wow... Bummer... STEP Yeah, it is a bummer... You know, I thought the worst part was having my balls knocked off, but you know what the worse part is? Dealin' with all this bullshit... I'm sick of that Adler guy tellin' me what to do. He's a real dick. JOEL Yeah, he sure is. STEP The truth is, I just want to have my old life back -- I just want to go back to work. I'm a workin' man; that's what I do. JOEL Yeah... I'm beginning to think I might be the same way... I'm a little worried about what I'd do with too much time on my hands. STEP I just lay around and watch TV all day. JOEL Yeah,... I think I do a lot worse. STEP The problem is, if I bankrupt the company, there won't be a job to go back to. JOEL You don't have to bankrupt the company. 100. STEP Yeah, but then if I drop the lawsuit, you'll sell the company, and the new company might not hire me. JOEL Well, maybe I don't have to sell the company... You know I've been thinking; all these years I've been building this company, dreaming about the day I could sell it and retire, but what would I really do if I retired? It's like that old saying -- it's not about the destination, it's about the journey? Step just stares at him blankly, he lost him. JOEL I guess what I'm saying is, too much free time might not be such a good thing -- like that old saying, idle hands are the Devil's playground? Step's never heard that one either. STEP I'm sorry, I don't do much book readin'. JOEL What I'm saying is, I'm thinking maybe I won't sell the company... STEP Really? JOEL that is, if you dropped the lawsuit. -- and remember, you'll still get that insurance money -- probably a couple hundred thousand. What do you think? STEP Hmm. That sounds fair... But under one condition... JOEL What's that? 101. STEP You make me floor manager. JOEL Deal. They shake hands. INT. REYNOLDS EXTRACT - MANUFACTURING AREA Joel walks in with Step at his side. Addresses the employees. JOEL Hold the line! Mary shuts off the conveyer belt. JOEL Okay, listen up everybody. (Waits for them to settle) I've decided not to sell the company... Gasps and murmurs among the employees. JOEL And I'm making Step the new Floor Manager. More gasps and murmurs. JOEL And if anyone doesn't like it, I hear they're hiring over at Gemco... But just remember, at Gemco, the owner doesn't know your names; you never even meet him, he's at an office up in Chicago somewhere and you get an auto- response if you try to email him to complain about anything. Here, you can come up to my office any time you have a problem. Thanks. Joel walks off. Brian catches up with him. BRIAN Huh? You're not selling? 102. JOEL It's about the journey Brian. The journey. ANGLE on Mary. She and Gabrielle start right back up. MARY You know, if Joel's going to put him in charge, we should go on strike. You know, at Gemco, the union handles the strikes and you don't even have to-- PULL OUT as Step cuts her off. STEP Quit yapping and get back to work or you're fired. Step walks off -- maybe pops a testosterone pill. Mary and Gabrielle keep muttering and shaking their heads. LONG PULL OUT as things get back to normal at the factory. INT. CHAPEL - DAY We are CLOSE ON NATHAN, in a coffin, embalmed. We PULL OUT to see mourners lined up, taking a last look at the body. Joel is among them. He looks down at Nathan for a moment and then continues to his seat. A few rows back, we see SUZIE, sitting by herself, dressed in black. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Quick shot of Nathan's casket being lowered into the ground as the priest says the last few words. EXT. CEMETERY - A LITTLE LATER People hug and console each other. Joel sees Suzie, walks over to her. JOEL Hi... You doing okay? SUZIE Yeah, I'm okay. 103. JOEL I heard you were right there when it happened. That must've been rough. SUZIE It was horrible Joel. He came over to ask for that check, and I just... Suzie breaks down, starts CRYING. SUZIE (CONT'D) .I just lost it. I started yelling at him. I said horrible things. He had an aneurism and I probably caused it. (CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY) I think the last thing I said to him was "shut up." Those were the last words he heard. Joel hugs her, consoling. JOEL It's okay, it's not your fault... It's not your fault. Suzie's crying subsides a little. SUZIE It could happen to any of us Joel. Any of us could have an aneurism. We could die at any moment. JOEL Yeah, I know... I know... But we probably won't. It'll be alright. Suzie starts to regain her composure. They stand there for a beat. JOEL You wanna go get something to eat... or something? Beat. Suzie still sniffling a little. SUZIE Yeah, okay. Sure. 104. They walk off towards the cemetery gates. After a while, Joel hands Suzie a Kleenex. JOEL Here... SUZIE Thanks. They walk a little further. Joel looks at the Chapel nearby. JOEL Maybe we should've been married in a Church like that one. Instead of the Botanical Gardens. SUZIE I thought you liked the Botanical Gardens? JOEL Yeah, but... a church just seems more -- I don't know -- official. SUZIE You think it would've made a difference? JOEL I don't know... So, are we still married? SUZIE Well, legally yes. JOEL I mean otherwise. SUZIE Hmmm... We can talk about it I suppose. JOEL Alright. They walk for a beat. JOEL You know, this is really bad, but... Oh never mind. SUZIE What? 105. JOEL Well, as I was looking down at Nathan there, I was thinking... That's the longest I've ever seen him with his mouth shut. Suzie LAUGHS in spite of herself. SUZIE Joel! They walk off into the distance as we FADE OUT. THE END

Family Man CHAPTER ONE - EARLY HISTORY 1 INT. KENNEDY AIRPORT, PAN AM TERMINAL - NIGHT SUPER: AUTUMN, 1987 A line of PASSENGERS about to board a Pan Am flight to London. JACK CAMPBELL, 22, head full of long unkempt hair, Tom Selleck mustache, the hopeful look of youth in his eyes... sitting next to... KATE REYNOLDS, 21, pretty, Dorothy Hamill haircut... rubbing the tears from her swollen red eyes... KATE I got you a few necessities... Kate hands Jack a new copy of Vonneguts Cats Cradle. KATE (CONTD) Your copy was a mess... Jack accepts the book but hes unable to take his eyes off Kate. She hands him a cassette. KATE (CONTD) Every one of these songs will remind you of me in a slightly different way... JACK All in one tape? KATE I also put side two of London Calling on there... Kate leans over and kisses him passionately on the lips. KATE (CONTD) That was not officially the goodbye kiss. It was just an interim kiss... He looks at her, his eyes welling up. He pulls her close, kissing her deeply. Then... ANNOUNCER (O.S.) This will be the final boarding call for Pan Am flight 4 to London, Heathrow. Jack takes Kates hand, getting up, turning sadly to the gate. KATE You have your ticket? Jack pulls out a BLUE PAN AM TICKET ENVELOPE. Kate nods. They embrace and kiss again. As they separate. JACK Im not even gonna say it, Kate. Maybe itll be like I never left... Jack takes one lastlook at her, then heads for the gate. Kate stands there, watching him go. Then... ...a moment of intuition. Something isnt right. She looks at Jack, about to disappear into the jetway, trying to decide... KATE Wait. Jack turns. Kate approaches him. KATE (CONTD) I have a bad feeling about this. JACK About the plane? What do you think its gonna crash? Dont say that... KATE (shaking her head) I know weve talked about this a thousand times and we both agree that going to London is the right thing to do. But in my heart... this feels wrong. She looks at the gate...the last few passengers are boarding, then back into Jacks eyes. KATE (CONTD) Dont go, Jack... JACK You mean dont go at all? What about my internship? KATE Believe me I know what an incredible opportunity this is for you... JACK For us, Kate. KATE Right, for us. But...Im afraid that if you get on that plane... JACK What? Kate looks at him, pleading with her eyes, but she cant say... KATE (torn) Go. Im sorry, you should just go... JACK (thinking, then...) No, youre right. What are we doing? KATE We're being responsible. Go. Get on the plane. His eyes narrow as he measures her determination... KATE (CONT'D) (a smile) Get the hell outta my sight. You bother me. A laugh from Jack. Kate gives him a calm smile and a nod - it's not entirely convincing but it's enough for Jack. JACK (resolute) Okay, I'm going... He takes her in his arms one last time and hugs her tight. Jack looks toward the gate, the line disappearing...Kate grasps his shirt tightly. KATE I can't seem to let go of you... JACK You hear me complaining about that? A sober look in Jack's eyes. JACK (CONT'D) Look, we're at the airport and no one ever thinks clearly at the airport so we should just trust the decision we already made. You've been accepted to one of the best law schools in the country, I've got this internship at Barclay's Bank. We have a great plan, honey... Kate nods, then, with resolve... KATE You want to do something great, Jack? Let's flush the plan...start our lives right now, today...I don't know what that life's gonna look like but I do know it has both of us in it. And I choose us... Jack is jolted by her words. KATE (CONT'D) The plan doesn't make us great, Jack. What we have together, that's what makes us great. Her words sink in...A long moment of decision...He looks toward the gate, only one person left in line...back to Kate...imploring him with her eyes. Finally...He kisses her deeply on the lips... JACK I love you, Kate... ...a smile from Kate...relief...then... JACK (CONT'D) (taking her face in his hands) ...and a year in London's not gonna change that. A hundred years couldn't change that... Jack gives her one final kiss then walks pensively to the gate, handing the attendant his ticket, not able to look back. Kate watches him go, tears streaming down her face, as the gate door closes behind him. She waits, almost willing it to open again...waiting...waiting...but it doesn't... DISSOLVE TO: 1A EXT. MANHATTAN - ESTABLISHING - DAY The skating rink at Central Park...Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center...the view down Fifth Avenue with Christmas decorations...Park Avenue. 2 EXT. MANHATTAN - EARLY MORNING We close in on a spectacular pre-war doorman building... 3 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS A huge space with gleaming hardwood floors, ornate moldings, and a great view of the Hudson and Jersey behind it... The place looks like a museum display...everything is of the highest quality and meticulously maintained. A wall of photos - Jack and Clinton, Jack with Patrick Ewing, Jack between Alan Greenspan and Henry Kravis. And a "Willie Mays" baseball bat encased in glass... 4 INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ...impeccably decorated and obsessively neat. Close in on the bed where JACK CAMPBELL, now 35, sans mustache and long hair, opens his eyes. A FLASH of bright morning light from the window. Jack shields his eyes, turning his head toward the bathroom where he sees... A WOMAN'S BACK...draped in a towel...an incredible back, neither flabby nor overly toned, beautifully curved...Jack focuses on it a moment. As the woman turns to him... PAULA. Beautiful, late 20s, a toothbrush in her mouth... PAULA (holding up toothbrush) I hope you don't mind. There were like ten new ones in the cabinet. A playful smile from Paula. JACK It's not what you think. I took Mentadent public... Paula smiles, moves over to a chair and grabs a little black dress hanging neatly over it. PAULA Did you really mean what you said about Tuscany? JACK Of course I did. PAULA Last night was great... JACK You are an amazing lover. You should be giving motivational seminars. PAULA Thanks. You're not bad yourself... Jack grabs his Frank Mueller watch from the night stand, puts it on his wrist. He looks at Paula as she slips the dress on. JACK I want to see you again. PAULA I'd like that, too. JACK Tonight. She turns to him. PAULA It's Christmas Eve, Jack. JACK So we'll get egg nog. Paula laughs. PAULA (putting on her shoes) I have to go to my parents' house out in Jersey. Would you like to come? JACK Jersey? You know what the traffic's gonna be like? PAULA I'm taking the train... Paula approaches Jack, leaning over him, her long hair dangling on his chest. PAULA (CONT'D) Don't you have anywhere to go? JACK I've got plenty of places to go. He stays there, confident, sexy, waiting for an answer... PAULA (a sexy laugh, then...) Maybe I can try and sneak away some time tomorrow morning... (kissing him on the lips) Okay? JACK (coy) If it's something you feel strongly about. Paula walks to the door, then turns back to Jack. PAULA It was nice meeting you, Jack... CHAPTER TWO - MAIN TITLES 4A INT. JACKS APARTMENT - MORNING Jack saunters over to a Yamaha Grand Disclavier in the living room. He puts a disk into the piano and... ...the keys come alive with the music of BACH. Jack hits a switch and suddenly the entire apartment is enveloped in music... 4B INT. JACKS BUILDING, CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Paula, waiting for the elevator, hears the MUSIC emanating from Jacks apartment...an intrigued glance back at the apartment door as the elevator arrives... 5 INT. JACKS BATHROOM - MORNING Backs Passion According to St. Matthew is blaring through the speakers, the music is swelling to full orchestra... Jacks at the mirror in this incredibly neat marble- tiled bathroom, shaving with a silver-plated Hammacher Schlemmer razor, HUMMING with the orchestra... 6 INT. JACKS CLOSET - MORNING ...the size of a small house, a long row of Zegna suits, shoe trees stacked with Italian shoes, tailored shirts everywhere. Jacks still HUMMING to the music as he dresses in front of a mirror. 7 INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING Jack, wearing an elegant camels hair overcoat and carrying a leather briefcase, a Master of the Universe smile on his face, now HUMMING the Bach piece from memory... The doors open at 6. Jack self-consciously stops singing as ELIZABETH PETERSON, 60s, wearing a mink coat, gets on the elevator carrying a yappy little dog. JACK (a charming smile) Mrs. Peterson. MRS. PETERSON Hello Jack. You dont have to stop singing on my account... JACK Its because Im shy, Betty. So, when are you going to leave that old corpse Mr. Peterson and run away with me? MRS. PETERSON You know you could never satisfy me the way he does... The doors open to the lobby. Mrs. Peterson walks out ahead. 8 INT. JACKS BUILDING, LOBBY - MORNING TONY THE DOORMAN holds the door open for Jack and Mrs. Peterson... TONY THE DOORMAN Merry Christmas, Mr. Campbell. JACK Howd you do this year, Tony? TONY THE DOORMAN About four grand. And a bottle of twenty five year old scotch from Mrs. Johnson in 9D. Im putting it all in commercial paper like you said. JACK Just until the Deutsche Mark turns... Jack exits the building... 9 OMITTED 9A EXT. CENTRAL PARK - MORNING Jacks Ferrari racing through the park... 10 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - MORNING A modern Wall Street building. The sign above the glass doors reads, P.K. Lassiter and Associates, Investment House. The Ferrari SCREECHES to a halt. Jack gets out, heads into the building... 10A INT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS ...Jack throws his keys to a nearby SECURITY GUARD with a smile on his way to the elevators... CHAPTER THREE - JACK THE BUSINESSMAN DISSOLVE TO: 11 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The Manhattan skyline shines through the windows of this beautiful conference room. SIX EXECUTIVES are seated at a huge oak table littered with coffee cups and lunch waste. At the end of the table, ALAN MINTZ, 30s, balding, sits with a faraway look in his eyes, three empty Diet Coke cans in front of him. Mintz is poking at a shiny gold cherub dangling from a small, plastic Christmas tree, sitting in the middle of the table. Jack is addressing the group from the front of the room, standing in front of a computer with a huge flat screen monitor, covered with stock charts and tables... JACK ...if MedTech's shares sink any lower than... (casually executing a keystroke) ...forty three, we're in trouble with the stock valuation. So for god's sake watch what you say to your institutional customers... Jack notices Alan Mintz playing with the cherub. JACK (CONT'D) ...we still have almost a full day of trading before zero hour and I don't want any trouble... (distracted by Mintz) ...penny for your thoughts, Alan... Alan looks up. ALAN Sorry, Jack. I told Dee and the kids I'd be home by dinner. You know, it being Christmas Eve and all. JACK Is that tonight? A LAUGH from the group. Jack approaches Alan. JACK (CONT'D) You think I like being here on Christmas Eve, Alan? ALAN I don't know. Maybe... Another LAUGH. Even Jack lets out a good-natured chuckle. JACK Okay, maybe I do have a touch of tunnel vision this holiday season. But in two days we're going to announce one of the largest mergers in U.S. corporate history. Thirty billion dollars... (basking in the glory) When this kind of deal turns up you get on and you ride it `till it's over. You don't ask it for a vacation... A chuckle from the group...the esprit de corps seems to energize Jack. JACK (CONT'D) (to the group) December 26th. After that there'll be so much money floating around here it'll be like Christmas every day... (smiling) December 26th, people. If you'd like to celebrate that day, you all have my blessing... Enthusiastic nods and words of agreement from the suits around the table... ALAN You're right, Jack. Sorry... Jack approaches Alan. JACK I don't want you to be sorry, Alan, I want you to be excited. I want my gift to be the first one you open this year. You know why? ALAN Why Jack? JACK Because my gift comes with ten zeroes at the end... A MURMUR of excitement in the room, even Alan cracks a smile. Jack puts a hand on Alan's shoulder. JACK (CONT'D) Good man... 12 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - NIGHT The conference room door opens and the SIX ENERGIZED SUITS emerge, each met by an ASSISTANT handing them messages. Jack is the last one out. He's met in stride by ADELLE, 50s, carrying a Filofax and a pile of phone messages. ADELLE Only eight thirty? What's the matter, had some last minute shopping to do? Jack pops a peppermint Lifesaver in his mouth as Adelle hands him his messages. JACK You too? This holiday's about giving, Adelle. And I'm giving everything I've got to this deal, so in a way, I'm more Christmassy than anyone... (holding out the candy) Lifesaver? ADELLE (ignoring the candy) You're a ray of sunshine, Jack. They approach an office, the words, "Jack Campbell - President" stenciled on the glass... 13 INT. JACK'S OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ...continuing past Adelle's desk, Jack looking at his messages, and into Jack's office... 14 INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS A cavernous office, you could land a helicopter in it - high tech fixtures, full bar, leather sofa, $3,000 Stairmaster... Jack walks to an enormous, bare mahogany desk, and sits down in a high tech ergonomic leather chair. ADELLE Oh, and Oxxford called... JACK Ooh, my suits are ready... He gets to the last message, sees the name on it, and reels back. JACK (CONT'D) Kate Reynolds... ADELLE Her assistant said you could call her at home after eight. Jack stares at the message like he's looking at a ghost. JACK Her assistant? ADELLE Yeah Jack, her assistant... JACK (lost in the message) Kate Reynolds was my girlfriend in college. I almost married her... ADELLE (a hearty LAUGH) You? Married? JACK (snapping out of it) Almost married. And almost a junior broker at E.F. Hutton... ADELLE Excuse me? JACK She didn't want me to go to London. We're standing at the airport saying goodbye and she asks me to stay. ADELLE So you left her? Just like that? JACK God, no. I thought about it for practically the entire flight... ADELLE Stop Jack, I'm getting all weepy. JACK I took the road less traveled, Adelle. ADELLE And look where it's led you... (picking up the phone) I'm gonna get her on the phone... Jack pauses, focused on the message, his mind drifting back... Adelle begins dialing the number. Finally, Jack reaches out and hangs up the phone. JACK No... ADELLE No?! You almost married this woman. Aren't you even curious what she wants? JACK She's probably just having a fit of nostalgia. You know, lonely Christmas Eve, call the one that got away, that kind of thing. Adelle rolls her eyes at him. JACK (CONT'D) I'm telling you, it's ancient history... Jack looks up as PETER LASSITER, 60s, founder and chairman of P.K. Lassiter and Associates, saunters into the room. LASSITER Eight forty-five on Christmas Eve and Jack Campbell is still at his desk. There's a Hallmark moment for you... Lassiter heads to the bar like he's done it a million times. JACK Peter. I don't see you rushing home to trim the tree. LASSITER (pouring himself a scotch) That's because I'm a heartless bastard who only cares about money. JACK And God love you for it. Lassiter drops down in a soft leather chair opposite Jack. LASSITER (sipping the scotch) I just got a call from Terry Haight. Bob Thomas is nervous... JACK That'll happen when you're about to spend thirty billion dollars on some aspirin... LASSITER Someone's gonna have to nurse him through this. JACK Why are you staring at my breasts, Peter? LASSITER I need you, tiger.. JACK Where is he? LASSITER Aspen. Jack pauses for a beat. JACK (to Adelle) Call Aunt Irma. Tell her I won't be able to make it tomorrow... Adelle rolls her eyes at him... LASSITER You're a credit to capitalism, Jack. Jack glances at Adelle, then looks back at Lassiter. JACK Hey Peter, lemme ask you a question. An old girlfriend calls you out of the blue on Christmas Eve... LASSITER You suddenly having trouble getting dates? JACK Not by a long shot. LASSITER Then leave it in the past. Old flames are like old tax returns. You keep `em in the file cabinet for three years and then you cut `em loose. Jack shoots Adelle a satisfied smile, crumpling up Kate's message and tossing a perfect hook into a N.Y. Knicks hoop. JACK (to Adelle) I'll leave from the office tomorrow afternoon. Call the group. Schedule an emergency strategy session for noon. ADELLE That'll be a nice little holiday treat. 15 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - NIGHT A single light remains on in the building. 16 INT. JACK'S OFFICE - SAME TIME Jack is alone in the office working on his computer, checking spreadsheets on a large flat screen monitor. Jack leans back in his chair rubbing his eyes. He checks his watch. It's past eleven. He gets up, goes to the window, sees the city in all its Christmas glory, then he see it... ...the message from Kate, crumpled in the trashcan...then turns back to the window, gazing out at the night... 17 INT. LASSITER BUILDING - NIGHT Jack comes out of the elevator, walking past the lobby desk where FRANK, a security guard, sits watching the monitors. FRANK Mr. Campbell. Why didn't you call down, I would've had Joe get your ride. Jack looks outside the front door to the snowy, quiet street. JACK I'm thinking I might walk tonight, Frank. FRANK Nice night for it. I'll have Louis send your car home. A nod from Jack. FRANK (CONT'D) Merry Christmas to you, sir... JACK Thanks. To you too... Jack puts on a pair of soft leather gloves and heads out into the crisp night air... 18 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINOUS Jack emerges from the building, walking across the large plaza, past the fountain...snow begins to fall... 19 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - A LITTLE LATER Jack's walking down the nearly empty street, snow falling down on him, a bounce in his step, looking at the windows of the closed shops along the way. He gets to the end of the block spots the Wong Brothers' 24 Hour Deli across the street... He heads toward it... 20 INT. WONG BROTHERS' DELI - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the brightly lit deli... SAM WONG, 20s, is with his 80-year-old GRANDFATHER behind the counter. There's a NERDY COLLEGE KID at the salad bar, a drunken DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA at the liquor display, a WOMAN with a BABY in an aisle and... ...a BLACK MAN, 30s, with a dollar sign and the name "CASH" tattooed on his arm, stands in front of the coffee machine... CASH Oh yeah...yeah, yee-ah! She's a certified winner...paper- thin but good as gold... Jack notices Cash talking to himself, seemingly crazy. Jack approaches Sam Wong at the counter. JACK Egg nog? SAM WONG (pointing) Dairy case. Five dollar. CASH (in the b.g., to Sam Wong) Y'all do the lotto here...? `Cause I got me a winner...I know, I know, Lotto keeps the black man down... but not me... Jack grabs a carton of egg nog, then notices Cash handing Sam Wong his ticket. Jack heads back toward the counter... CASH (CONT'D) ...06...14...18...48...right there. Four numbers...that's two hundred and thirty eight dollar... (a smile) Merry Christmas and shit... SAM WONG (barely looking at ticket) Ticket bad. You draw in lines with pencil. CASH What're you talkin' about? SAM WONG (throwing the ticket back) You draw lines with pencil! I know about this! The woman with the baby looks over...the college kid looks up, nervous...the drunken Santa, bottle of bourbon in hand, starts to walk by Jack...Jack instinctively puts an arm out, holding the Santa back... CASH What!? Look at the ticket...! SAM WONG Get out, I call 911. The Santa looks at Jack, confused. CASH You're lookin' at me, you're not even lookin' at the ticket! The woman with the baby puts a loaf of bread back on the shelf, starts nervously inching toward the door. SAM WONG You leave now. Take ticket somewhere else. (calling out) Next customer in line...! CASH You first generation, xenophobic, money-theistic, hot pastrami sandwich making... SAM WONG (screaming) Get out! Just watching...Cash shoves the ticket in Sam Wong's face... CASH LOOK AT THE GODDAMN TICKET!! A moment of decision for Jack. Then... JACK (carefully) Let me see that ticket. Cash turns to Jack. CASH (menacing) Was I talkin' to you?! Jack looks at the woman, the college kid, the Santa, then... JACK Maybe I'll buy it from you. Now Cash walks over to Jack... CASH Guy in $2,000 suit gets ass kicked tryin' to be a hero. Film at eleven... (then...turning to the coffee machine) What?! Oh no, not another lookie-loo. You know how big a job this is? The patrons exchange nervous glances...Jack watches, confused. CASH (CONT'D) You're double bookin' me! You're gonna get double billed! Shit! Cash throws a bottle of Perrier against the wall, it SHATTERS. The woman reels back in terror with the baby... JACK Hey, c'mon... In a flash, Cash whips a .38 from the back of his pants, aiming it at Jack's face. The woman SCREAMS, covers her baby. CASH (in Jack's face) Do you want to die? Jack stares at Cash, trying his best to keep his cool... CASH (CONT'D) DO YOU WANNA DIE?! JACK No. CASH (a smile) Yes you do... JACK Look, I'm talking about a business deal here. I buy the ticket for two hundred, take it to a store where the guy behind the counter... (glaring at Sam Wong) ...doesn't have a death wish (back to Cash) ...I just made myself a quick thirty eight dollars. Cash gets closer... JACK (CONT'D) Like I said, it's a business deal... CASH Damn, you are the real thing... Cash narrows his eyes...then, a smile as he puts the gun back into his pants... CASH (CONT'D) C'mon, Jack, let's get outta here... (to Sam Wong) You were lookin' at me, papa, you shoulda been lookin' at the ticket. That ticket was legit, B. You're fake... Cash starts out of the deli. Jack follows... 21 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - MINUTES LATER Jack and Cash walking down the street...Jack, holding his carton of egg nog under his arm, counting out two hundred dollars... JACK How'd you know my name was Jack? CASH I call all you white guys "Jack." Jack nods... CASH (CONT'D) You know you seem pretty relaxed for a guy who just had a gun pulled on him. JACK There's no way I was gonna die in that deli... (off Cash's look) Let's just say I've been on a lucky streak lately. CASH (a big LAUGH) A lucky streak, huh? Jack hands him the money. CASH (CONT'D) Sound pretty sure of yourself, don't you? Jack nods. CASH (CONT'D) So you're telling me, you've got a gun to your head and you don't think for one second, what if this, what if that, maybe I shouldn't do this, I shoulda done that. JACK I don't do that. That's just not for me... Cash looks at him, then smiles. CASH Okay, Jack. Nice doing business with you... Cash is about to take off... JACK Hey... Cash turns around. JACK (CONT'D) What do you want to carry that gun around for, anyway? You're just gonna do something you'll regret... CASH You want to talk about regrets, you're talking to the wrong person. Jack casually takes the egg nog out of the bag, opens the carton... JACK I'm just saying that you seem like a smart guy. At a certain point you're gonna do something, and then there's no turning back... CASH Yeah, in most cases that'd be true. Jack takes a sip of the egg nog. JACK I mean there must be programs out there, opportunities... CASH (a deep laugh) Wait a minute, wait a minute... you're tryin' to save me? A look from Jack... CASH (CONT'D) Oh man, you're serious... (out to the street) This man thinks I need to be saved! JACK Everyone needs something. Cash looks at Jack... CASH Yeah? What do you need? JACK Me? CASH You just said everyone needs something. JACK I've got everything I need. CASH Wow. It must be great being you. You got it all. Cash looks at Jack. He smiles and shakes his head. JACK Look, I'm not saying you'd be able to do it without some hard work... CASH (a hearty LAUGH) You still think this is about me, don't you? JACK Sure it's about you. But it's about society, too. CASH Oh man, I'm gonna enjoy this one... Just remember, Jack, you did this. You brought this on yourself... And with that, Cash turns and leaves Jack alone on the street with his egg nog... 22 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Jack walks in and throws his keys on a table. He takes off his gloves and overcoat, glances at the mail, then heads into the bedroom. Through the large windows we see snow falling... 23 INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack, flat on his back in bed, fast asleep... CHAPTER FOUR - A DIFFERENT LIFE DISSOLVE TO: 24 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING Close in on Jacks face, bathed in morning light...he opens his eyes...feels something strange... Jack looks down...theres a womans head resting on his chest. A look of confusion crosses his face...trying to remember... did he meet a woman last night...? He turns his head to find a large MUTT sitting faithfully beside the bed, wagging his tail... ...did she have a dog? He looks down at the woman again, craning his neck to get a look at her face. And then he sees her... ...KATE REYNOLDS... ...now 34 and even more beautiful, a look of utter contentment on her radiant face, sleeping soundly... His head darts around the room - its cramped and lived in, clothes and toys are strewn about, family photos on the dresser, Laura Ashley curtains, a tiny poster bed and a charming little bay window. He instinctively reaches for his Franck Mueller watch on the night stand, but its not there. Its a Timex Indiglo and it reads, 7:57 A.M... Jack looks back at Kate...he rubs his eyes...maybe its a dream...but nothing changes. Then, Kate stirs... KATE Mmmm...ten more minutes, Jack... its Christmas... Jack jumps as he hears Kate talk for the first time... Suddenly, the door bursts open...A SIX YEAR OLD GIRL, ANNIE, in a little nightgown, walks into the room carrying an 18 MONTH OLD BOY, JOSH, SINGING at the top of her lungs... ANNIE Jingle bells, Santa s mells, Rudolph laid an egg...la la la, la-la la la, la la la la la... Annie places Josh on the bed and then jumps up herself. She gestures to the dog, patting the bed. ANNIE (CONTD) You too, Luce... The dog faithfully jumps on the tiny bed, joining everybody else and leaving very little room. Annie starts jumping. ANNIE (CONTD) Rise...and...shine...! KATE (stirring) Youre jumping, sweetheart... Jack looks at this activity like a man at his own funeral. ANNIE Mom, dont you think we need to open the presents? KATE (groggy) Mommy needs five more minutes in la la land. That could be her present... Josh crawls directly up to Jacks stomach, climbing on. ANNIE Cmon, Dad. Get up! She said Dad. Thats it. Jack moves the baby gingerly over, then gets out of bed, stumbling over a baseball bat lying next to it. He picks up the bat...the same Willie Mays autograph bat that was encased in glass in his N.Y. apartment. Frightened, Jack drops the bad, looking down at himself for the first time...hes naked... ...a mortified look on his face as he sees the kids on the bed... ...he quickly grabs a pair of sweat pants and a yellow cardigan off the chair and throws them on... Kate, still half asleep, reaches out her hand. KATE Jack...? Jack turns by instinct. Kate grabs him, drawing him near. A look of fear on his face as Kate opens her eyes... Eye contact...Jacks certain hes about to hear her scream... KATE (CONTD) (still groggy) Strong coffee, okay? She lets him go as Jack backs out the door... 25 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE LIVING ROOM - SECONDS LATER A garishly decorated Christmas tree sits in the middle of this messy and disorganized living room, a bevy of gifts underneath and four red stockings over the fireplace. Jack darts to the top of the steps... KATE (O.S.) (calling from the bedroom) Use an entire can if you have to! He looks back at the bedroom, then at the stairs...quickly heading down the CREAKY steps, still in shock. He grabs an overcoat from a hook by the front door...about to step out when he looks down and realizes... ...hes barefoot. He glances at a pair of rubber over- boots sitting by the door, slips them on, just about to leave when... He hears the sound of a KEY TURNING in the door lock...Jack looks at the door, not quite sure what to do... The door opens...into the house, arms laden with wrapped gifts, walk BIG ED and LORRAINE REYNOLDS (both 60s), Kates parents. Big Eds wearing a ten gallon hat and a suede overcoat. Lorraine has a cigarette dangling from her mouth. JACK (drawing on a memory) Ed? Lorraine? Big Ed hugs Jack as best he can with an armful of gifts. BIG ED Jack you ol bird dog. Merry Christmas to ya... Lorraine plants a big fat kiss on Jacks cheek. LORRAINE Talk to him, Jack. Please. One day a year away from the Ponderosa. I dont think thats too much to ask. BIG ED I heard that. This is who I am, woman! (a wink to Jack) Tell her, Jack! Youre the only one who gets me, for gods sake! Jack, still holding the door open, plotting his escape. LORRAINE I need some egg nog... BIG ED Course you do. Hell, its almost 8 a.m. (shouting upstairs) Where are my two lil pardners? Annie! Josh! Giddy up, Bid Eds here! JACK Excuse me. Jack dashes out the door. LORRAINE Where are you going, Jack? (to Big Ed) Wheres he going? BIG ED Damned if I know... They start to remove their coats, when... The door flies back open... JACK Wheres my car?! Wheres my Ferrari!? BIG ED What the hell are you talking about? (to Lorraine) Whats he talking about? JACK Look, can I just borrow your car?! I promise itll be returned! BIG ED The Caddy? Why dont you take your own damn car! LORRAINE Oh just let him borrow your precious Cadillac, for gods sake. Jack spots a set of keys hanging on a hook. BIG ED Hes got a perfectly good mini-van sitting out there in the driveway! Jack grabs the keys off the hook...darts back outside... 26 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Jack emerges from this charming, suburban two-story house, some tasteful Christmas lights decorating a tree in the center of the snow-covered lawn... He races to a blue Dodge mini-van sitting in the driveway, a My Ferrari Is In The Shop sticker on the rear bumper. He climbs into the mini-van and peels out of the driveway... 27 INT. MINI-VAN - SECONDS LATER Jack sees a sign, George Washington Bridge - 3 miles... 28 INT. MINI-VAN - MINUTES LATER Jack driving over the bridge. A sigh of relief as he passes under a sign for Manhattan. 29 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - EARLY MORNING The mini-van pulls up near Jacks apartment building. Jack, still wearing pajamas under the coat, leaps out, running toward the grand entrance where Tony stands sternly in front. JACK Tony, thank god... Jack starts to walk past but Tony blocks the way. TONY THE DOORMAN Sorry, pal. Entrance is for residents and guests only... JACK What are you talking about? Its me, Jack Campbell. Penthouse C. I put you into commercial paper! TONY THE DOORMAN (not moving) Uh-huh... Just then, Mrs. Peterson walks to the door with her little DOG. Tony opens the door for her... JACK Elizabeth Peterson! The little dog starts BARKING ferociously at Jack. MRS. PETERSON (to Tony re: Jack, annoyed) Who is this man? Tony shrugs his shoulders. JACK You know me, Betty. You do. Jack Campbell. Were on the co-op board together. We fought side by side for garbage disposals. Every morning we exchange quasi-sexual witty banter. Think... She looks at Jack with a raised eyebrow, the dog still YAPPING. TONY THE DOORMAN (to Mrs. Peterson) Should I call the cops? Im gonna call the cops... Jack pleads to her with his eyes. MRS. PETERSON (raising a hand to Tony) No... JACK (a sigh of relief) Thank you, Betty. I know if I can just sleep this off, Ill be fine... MRS. PETERSON And sleep you shall. Noblesse oblige is not dead. Not yet anyway...Come, lets get you some help. Surely there must be a shelter somewhere in this city. JACK A shelter?! Im the richest guy in the building...Ive got twice the square footage you have! Mrs. Peterson shakes her head at him, a look of pity on her face. Frustrated, Jack turns and runs back to the mini-van... CUT TO: 30 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - MINUTES LATER Jack pulls up across the street and gets out of the van. Running across the empty plaza toward the building entrance... 31 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Jack bursts through the door, approaching the lobby desk where FRANK the security guard sits. Frank spots Jack and blocks his way. FRANK Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold it right there... JACK Frank. Wheres Alan Mintz? Is he here yet? FRANK Mr. Mintz? (a knowing chuckle) I dont think so...buildings closed pal. Youll have to come back tomorrow. JACK Look, I dont know whats going on here but I am Senior Vice President of this company. FRANK I dont care who you are. Its Christmas and like I told you the building is closed. JACK Maybe youre not hearing me. I am Jack Campbell... (approaching the building directory) Right here. Jack Campbell, President... And then he sees it...ALAN MINTZ - PRESIDENT, listed plain as day on the building director... Jack looks at Frank, then back to the building directory... A pitying look from Frank...Jack stands there, in shock... CHAPTER FIVE - WHATS HAPPENING? 32 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING, PLAZA - MOMENTS LATER ...its desolate... Jack walks through the plaza like a zombie, his face registering nothing. He crosses the street, moving toward the mini-van...oblivious...when... SCREECH...a Ferrari 456M stops within inches of Jacks torso...a VOICE from the car... VOICE (O.S.) Hey! Watch where youre walking! Jack turns...sees the DRIVER low in the seat...cant quite make out the face... VOICE You almost dented my two hundred thousand dollar car! Jack...still stunned...looks at the car, very familiar...the voice of the driver, also familiar... VOICE (CONTD) Thats right! My new cars worth more than your shitty house! A look of realization on Jacks face... VOICE (CONTD) I feel like I really did win the lottery! ...its Cash, and hes in Jacks car... Jack moves over to the passenger window in shock...a smile from Cash... CASH Miss me, Jack? JACK Thats my car! You stole my car! CASH Its a callable asset seized in accordance with the acquisition by-laws of your alt-fate contract... JACK What?! CASH Basically, its my car now. Get in. Cash reaches over and opens the door. Jack hesitates... CASH (CONTD) Look, I dont make the rules, Jack. This is how it works. Get in. Cash gives him a reassuring look. Jack gets in... 33 INT. FERRARI - CONTINUOUS Jack closes the door...Cash joyfully drives off in a burst of acceleration...Jack practically ends up in the back seat... CASH Might wanna fasten your seat belt, Jack... JACK (recovering) What the hell is happening to me?! Jacks freaking out and Cash is enjoying every minute of it. Cash hands Jack a paper bag. Jack starts breathing into the bag. CASH This kinda thing makes a lotta guys throw up. Seen it happen. So if you get the urge, do it out the window. (with a taunting laugh) I dont want you marring this exquisite leather interior... Cash looks over at Jack...hes really losing it, sobbing into the bag...almost hyperventilating...Cash smiles... CASH (CONTD) Look, I dont know what youre getting so worked up about, you did this...you brought this on yourself. JACK Brought what on myself?! I didnt do anything! CASH No? Cmon, Jack...Ive got everything I need, I dont have regrets, thats just not for me... sound familiar? JACK You mean because you thought I was cocky Im now on a permanent acid trip?!! Cash gets a laugh out of Jacks overreaction... CASH Everyone else in that store is a statue, they see their lives passing in front of their eyes, but not you. Youre making a business deal... JACK (enraged) Give me my goddamn life back! CASH You? What about me? Im working hard for you here, Jack. On Christmas too! Now you did a good thing last night, intervening that way. I was moved... JACK (interrupting) Please. Just tell me whats happening to me. In plain English. None of that mumbo jumbo... Cash turns to Jack. CASH Its a glimpse, Jacko. JACK I glimpse? A glimpse of what!? What glimpse?! Glimpse! CASH Look, eventually, everybody gets one...some of em take a couple seconds... (looking at Jack) ...some of em take a lot longer... JACK I asked you a direct question! A glimpse of what?! A look from Cash. CASH Figure it out. You got plenty of time. JACK How much time?! CASH As long as it takes to figure it out. Which, in your case, could be considerable. JACK Look, I just want my life back. Now whats it gonna take? You wanna talk turkey? Lets talk turkey! How much money...? Cash looks at Jack, relishing the moment. He flashes Jack a smile. CASH Do I look like I need your money. It doesnt work like that and I cant tell you why. JACK Why not? CASH Because you got to figure it out for yourself. (beat) Are you listening to me? JACK Figure it out? Figure what out?! Cash just stares at him... JACK (CONTD) Thats it? Thats all I get?! A glare?! CASH Look Jack, in my experience the best way people deal with this is to just relax and breathe through it...let it come to you. Jack faces Cash, simmering...with frustration. JACK Look, I dont have time for this right now. Im in the middle of a deal... CASH Oh youre working on a new deal now...did I mention that? JACK You know what? Ive had it with you. Ive had it with all of this shit... SCREECH...Cash slams on the brakes...practically sending Jack through the windshield. Jack recovers, looks up...the car is parked right next to the mini-van. Cash pulls out a small plastic bag, holding it out to Jack... CASH Here... Jack looks inside the bag, pulls out a BARBIE BICYCLE BELL. He looks at it curiously. JACK Whats this, a signal? Will you come whenever I ring it? CASH Do I look like I live in a bottle? Cash reaches across Jack and opens the door. JACK (lost) But what do I do? CASH Look Jack Im late. Id love to help you out some more but I gotta go handle my business... (gesturing to the mini-van) Happy trails. Jack looks out to the lonely street outside, then back to Cash. JACK Hey, you did this to me, you cant just leave me like this. Cash looks at Jack, the desperation on his face. CASH Fine. You want to know everything, Ill tell you everything. But not here. Lets get some air... Jacks still a little unsure...he sees Cash open the driver side door... JACK (relieved) Thanks, man... Jack gets out of the car...and before he can even turn around, Cashs door SLAMS shut and the car takes off in a blast of horsepower... Jack stands there gazing down the street, listening to the sound of the Ferrari shifting gears, disappearing... The wind whips up...shivering, Jack looks toward the Lassiter Building, then to the plastic bag in his hand, and finally to the mini-van. 34 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE MORNING The blue mini-van snakes through the curved streets of the neighborhood, almost all the houses decorated for Christmas. 35 INT. MINI-VAN - SAME TIME Jacks trying to find the house, a map unfolded on the steering wheel and the cars registration in his hand... He spots ARNIE BENDER, late 30s, carrying an empty science kit box to the trash. His wife, JEANNIE, also late 30s, is getting in a Ford Taurus wagon, a bowl of fruit in hand... Jack pulls up to the curb near Arnie, rolling down the window. JACK Excuse me. Do you know where Merrison Street is? Arnie looks up and sees Jack in the van. ARNIE (turning to his wife) Jeannie! I found Jack! 36 INT. BENDER HOUSE, DEN - A LITTLE LATER Jack follows Arnie into the den of this garishly decorated suburban home, Arnies arm around his shoulder. ARNIE You look terrible... Jack takes in the decor its a male leisure time fantasy old pinball machine, wide screen TV, dart board, and kitschy 50s style bamboo bar... ARNIE (CONTD) Truth is I expected you. Kate called before and asked if I knew where you were. Arnie notices Jacks fascination with the room... ARNIE (CONTD) I know, I moved the Barca-lounger into the corner. Its throwin everybody off. What do you think? JACK (with a nod) Great room... A satisfied smile from Arnie, Jacks approval means something to him. ARNIE You and me, buddy. We know how to live... Arnie shepherds Jack onto a bar stool and pours a drink out of a bamboo bottle holder. ARNIE (CONTD) So Jack, you okay? Jack doesnt respond, his eyes drawn to a softball team photo on the bar...Jack and Arnie kissing a huge trophy with the caption, Plainfield, N.J. Softball League Champs, 1994. ARNIE (CONTD) I mean you leave the house on Christmas morning, you dont tell anyone where youre going... Jack looks over from the photo to Arnie... JACK Were friends, arent we? ARNIE Maybe I dont say it enough but you moving in next door to me... Arnie makes a fist and gestures to his heart. Jack nods. ARNIE (CONTD) Talk to me... A moment of decision for Jack as Arnie stands there, open eyed, ready to listen. JACK Im having kind of a bad day. ARNIE (nodding) I read somewhere that the suicide rate doubles during the holidays... A raised eyebrow from Jack. ARNIE (CONTD) (to himself) What am I saying? You dont need to hear that... (back to Jack) All I meant was a lot of people have a hard time dealing with all the forced reverie, thats all. Is that you? JACK Is it...? ARNIE Trouble at work? JACK I dont think so. ARNIE Its not Kate, is it? Jack pauses at the mention of Kate. Arnies eyes widen... ARNIE (CONTD) (proudly) You see, its like were in each others heads... JACK Kates my wife... Jack looks at Arnie as if hes seeking confirmation. ARNIE (a playful smile) Just keep saying it, Jack, like a mantra. Arnie comes out from behind the bar, taking Jack by the arm. ARNIE (CONTD) Cmon, I better walk ya home. Shes mad enough as it is, right...? 37 EXT. ARNIES YARD - SECONDS LATER Arnie walks Jack through his backyard... ARNIE Look, you fit the profile exactly. Thirties, house, kids, financial responsibilities. You start thinking...this isnt the life I dreamt about. Wheres the romance, wheres the joie de vivre? Suddenly, every lingerie ad in the Newark Star Ledger represents a life you cant have... JACK (thinking, then...) Its just two kids, right? A chuckle from Arnie. ARNIE You made a choice, Jack, a promise to your wife. Maybe sometimes it seems like you gave up the world, but look what you got... They arrive at...the backyard of the Campbell house... cluttered with a swing set, a dog run with chewed up lawn, and a wooden sun deck in the process of being built... ARNIE (CONTD) Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, and a partially finished basement... Jack trips over a wayward BIG WHEEL. ARNIE (CONTD) (shaking his head) Kids... Arnie leads Jack toward the house. ARNIE (CONTD) Okay look, you probably dont want to hear this right now but remember what you told me last summer when I almost had that thing with Arnie Jr.s speech therapist. A blank stare from Jack as they arrive at the sliding glass door...Arnie faces Jack squarely, grabbing his shoulders and looking him in the eye. ARNIE (CONTD) Dont screw up the best thing in your life just because youre a little unsure about who you are. Okay? Arnie gives Jack a comforting smie... ARNIE (CONTD) God, it feels so good to finally give something back to you... Arnie turns Jack toward the door and slides it open. ARNIE (CONTD) Im gonna hug you now... Arnie gives Jack a gentle hug...then gives him a little push toward the door... 38 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, DEN - CONTINUOUS Jack steps inside. He turns back to the door but Arnies gone. Then, Kate enters the room, holding a portable phone... KATE (into phone) Hold on a second... She cups the receiver. Jack looks at her, shes dressed now, nothing fancy but she looks great. JACK You cut your hair... A curious look from Kate. KATE Ten years ago... Kate just stands there looking at Jack, giving away nothing. KATE (CONTD) Are you okay? JACK Yeah...fine. She gives him a resolute nod, then... KATE (into phone) Never mind, he just walked in... Jack grimaces as she resolutely hangs up the phone then stares him down angrily. KATE (CONTD) Do you have any idea what you put us through today?! You walk out of here at 7:30 in the morning, dont tell me where youre going, or even that youre going, and I dont see you til hours later. I had state troopers looking for you! I called hospitals... (pointing at the phone) ...I was just on the phone with the morgue for gods sake! Jack watches her vent, the frustration on his face building. KATE (CONTD) What kind of man leaves his family on Christmas morning without a word about where hes going? Jacks almost to a breaking po INT. KATE (CONTD) What kind of man does that!? JACK (jumping in) I dont know! Please stop yelling at me! She looks at him curiously. KATE Where were you? JACK I was in the city. KATE The city? New York City? Why? JACK Because thats where I live. KATE Jack...dont even start... JACK Look, you dont understand. I woke up here...and this is very strange ...this is not my house... A raised eyebrow from Kate. Jack moves around the room... JACK (CONTD) (pointing upstairs) Im not Dad.... Kate, youre not my wife... Kate looks him over, assessing, then... KATE You know what, Jack? Its not funny this time. Im really angry. She stares him down, expecting an answer. But he has no answer. KATE (CONTD) (loudly) Jack! Jack takes the bell out of the plastic bag that Cash gave him, holds it up in front of her and starts RINGING it furiously. Then...Annie rides into the room on her new bike. ANNIE (re: bell) Whats that? Jack watches as she pedals over, reaches into his hand and takes the bicycle bell... ANNIE (CONTD) (examining the bell) I like this... (jumping up and giving hima peck on the cheek) ...thanks, Dad! Annie rides excitedly out of the room on her bike. Leaving Jack and Kate alone again... KATE You missed the whole thing, Jack. The pancakes, the presents...you spent six hours putting that bike together and you didnt even get to see the look on Annies face when she opened it... Jack sees the disappointment on her face... KATE (CONTD) You missed Christmas, Jack. Jack looks down, almost ashamed...he relents, giving in to the moment... JACK Im...Im sorry. Kate looks at him. He seems sincere enough... KATE Look, we dont have time for this right now, well talk about it later. Now get dressed... (pointing to his outfit) Youre not wearing that to the Thompsons party. I dont care how hilarious you think it is... JACK Party? Oh no, I cant go to a party... KATE You look forward to this party all year. Whats with you today? JACK Trust me on this Kate. I really dont think going to a party is the right move for me at the present time. Kate looks at him a moment, then shakes her head. KATE Fine. Do whatever you want. She picks up the phone, starts dialing... JACK What are you doing? KATE Telling my mother she doesnt have to stay with the kids. JACK Why not? KATE Because youll be here. Kate just looks at him. JACK Ill be ready in ten minutes. He walks past her...toward a hallway door, Kate watching him... He opens the door...its a closet. JACK (CONTD) Christ... (turning around) Where the hell is the bathroom? KATE Funny, Jack. Im laughing on the inside. 39 INT. BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER The light comes on... Jack walks in, looks in the mirror, determined to collect himself...but somethings not right... He glances around...the bathroom is small and its cluttered with Kates razors, loofah, skin creams... ...none of this stuff is his... ...he looks in the mirror again, his face revealing a forlorn sense of displacement... ...he stares at himself until...he starts to lose it... anger, confusion...sadness...finally, he begins breaking down... After a moment, he turns on the water, rinsing his face... 40 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, BEDROOM CLOSET - MINUTES LATER Jack at the closet door, looking at a row of Hagar slacks, Docker sport coats and imitation leather shoes... He reaches in and touches the fabric on one of the sport coats. JACK This is just... (searching for the words) ...this is sub-par... Annie appears at the bedroom door, watching Jack at the closet. He turns...sees Annie watching him...a look exchanged... then, Annie runs away... Jack turns back to the closet and mournfully takes a pair of the slacks... 41 EXT. THOMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT Jack and Kate, a casserole dish in her hand, walk up the path to this tacky but large house, its outside decorated with the most garish display of Christmas decorations this side of Pasaic. Kate RINGS the doorbell... EVELYN THOMPSON, 30s, wearing a dress thats a bit too tight and a bit too low cut, opens the door... EVELYN Kate! Jack! (turning around, to guests) Everybody, Jack and Kate are here! Jack looks right past her...to the house filled with 50 GUESTS. A loud WHOOP from the guests...Jack has the look of a condemned man on his face as he follows Kate inside... 41A INT. THOMPSON HOUSE - CONTINUOUS As Kate heads into the living room, Evelyn takes Jacks arm... EVELYN (suggestively) Like the dress...? JACK (glancing at it) Its lovely... EVELYN (a satisfied smile) I thought I saw you notice it at the kids recital. Jack shoots her a confused look...then walks in, trying to catch up with Kate... 42 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER The party is in full swing, Christmas music in the b.g., GUESTS talking, laughing, drinking egg nog... Jacks eyes dart around the room...its large, neater than his and Kates house but still very lived in...The Thompson KIDS run in and out of the room, playing with new toys... nobody is wearing or eating anything imported from Europe, but everyones having a good time... ...everyone except for Jack, standing with Arnie and THE GUYS, having his ear chewed off by NICK CARELLI, a walking advertisement for Levis Cotton Dockers... NICK Did you see Van Horn last night? This kids gonna single-handedly save basketball in the state of New Jersey... JACK The Nets? Youre kidding, right...? Nick looks at him in disbelief. JACK (CONTD) (recovering) Well...theyre certainly due. BILL KRAMER, a huge pile of fried chicken wings on his plate, tugs at Jacks shirt. BILL KRAMER So tomorrows the big day, Jackie... JACK Okay...why? BILL KRAMER Triple bypass. Im going under the knife. I told you, didnt I? JACK Triple bypass? (pointing to his plate) You really think you should be eating all that? BILL KRAMER Why not? I figure Im going in for a cleaning tomorrow, I might as well load up on the fried stuff tonight... ARNIE Good thinking, Bill. Have another drink. (whispering to Jack) Hell be lucky if he lives through the night... Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a packet of Dutch Masters cigars. He shows them to Jack, Jack nods politely. Nick eagerly hands him one... Nick lights Jacks cigar, then his own...enjoying that first puff...smiling at Jack...Jack dutifully takes a puff of the cigar...nods back at Nick...but its an effort... Evelyn Thompson approaches, a tray of MUSHROOM PUFFS in hand... EVELYN (holding out a puff to Jack) Finger food...? JACK I dont think so, thank you... EVELYN (suggestively) Cmon, as soon as I put them down, youre gonna grab a couple...you always do... Kate sees Evelyn and Jack from her position on the other side of the room...Kate watches as... Evelyn holds the puff up to Jacks mouth, slowly putting it near his lips... EVELYN (CONTD) Let me. Theyll melt in your mouth... He instinctively opens his mouth as Evelyn pushes the treat inside... EVELYN (CONTD) Good? On Jacks face...if freezer burn were a facial expression, this would be it... JACK (forcing a smile) Theyre great! Thank you! ...Evelyn licks her fingers suggestively then hands Jack the entire tray with a sexy smile... A raised eyebrow from Kate, still watching... EVELYN Mushroom puffs arent the only thing I do well... JACK Well do whatever it is you do well, and just...just do it. Excuse me... Evelyn nods as Jack walks toward the staircase... Kate follows Jack with her eyes as he climbs the stairs... 43 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE, DEN - NIGHT Jack is sitting on the arm of a couch filled with guests coats, talking on a FOOTBALL SHAPED telephone...the tray of mushroom puffs on the table... JACK (loudly, into phone) ...what do you mean he wont come to the phone?! (standing, indignant) Do you realize how much money Ive made for that sonuvabitch in the last eight years?! Click. A dial tone. Jack slams the phone down... JACK (CONTD) Damnit! He slams the phone again...and again...and again... KATE (O.S.) Jack...? Jack turns, sees Kate standing in the doorway, watching him take his frustrations out on the phone, concern on her face. KATE Are you sure youre okay...? A forced smile from Jack. JACK Yes, Im fine. Its just this god awful football phone! Who has a phone like this anyway?! KATE (doubtful) Uh huh... Kate notices the tray of mushroom puffs on the table. KATE (CONTD) You must really love Evelyns mushroom puffs, huh? (with a wink) You know theyre not real... She turns and leaves...Jack looks at her, confused... 44 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Jack comes down the stairs, a lost look in his eyes. He looks across the room and sees... Kate, with a group of GUESTS, looking great in her jeans and white blouse, the center of attention. Jack passes through the guests, people waving to him, slapping him on the back as he approaches Kate... He catches Kates eye...she gives him a subtle smile. KATE (to guests) ...then she asks me to put this sweater on. What choice do I have, right? Jack watches as Kate charms the crowd... KATE (CONTD) But as Im slipping it on I notice shes misspelled the word lawyers. (laughing) I had to go through the entire day wearing a hand embroidered sweater that said, Non-Profit Layers Do It For Free. The guests laugh again. Even Jack finds himself laughing, until... JACK (to Kate, off-hand) So youre a lawyer...? A chuckle from the group. Kates confused. JACK (CONTD) A non-profit lawyer... People are starting to LAUGH. KATE (a little embarrassed) Jack... JACK Pro bono. You dont get paid at all. Nobody makes a dime. Well, bravo... Blank stares from everyone, including Kate... CUT TO: 45 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, FOYER - LATE NIGHT Kate and Jack walk in the front door...the dog greets them happily, jumping up on Jack, a weary look on his face. KATE I better go wake my mother... Kate grabs a leash off a hook and hands it to Jack. KATE (CONTD) Here you go... JACK Youre kidding me... KATE Shes your dog, Jack. JACK No, shes not. KATE Fine, shes the kids dog. Lets go wake Josh, see if he wants to walk her. JACK But its twenty degrees outside... KATE (sympathetic) Youre having a bad day, Ill go with you...actually, theres no way in hell youre gettin me back out there... Jack looks at the dogs face. Lucy couldnt be more excited. Finally, Jack shakes his head and takes the leash. KATE (CONTD) (heading up the stairs) Make sure you reward her verbally when she does a number two... CUT TO: 46 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE NIGHT The sound of CRICKETS. Jack, wearing a down jacket, is being dragged down the street by Lucy, his breath condensing in the cold winter air. The dog sniffs at a hydrant and a couple of garbage cans, but isnt doing her business. JACK Figure it out...Im s crewed...dont have to be a genius to figure that out... The dog stops, sniffing at a manicured lawn... JACK (CONTD) (to Lucy) Its as good a place as any... But the dog keeps moving, pulling Jack with her. JACK (CONTD) ...but obviously not up to your high standards... (to himself) Okay...he said youre working on a new deal now...fine, youve done a thousand deals, whats the first thing you do? Lucys sniffing around someones Christmas display but Jacks too wrapped up in his thought process to notice. JACK (CONTD) Triage. Its your signature. You survey the damage, find out everything you can, you probe, leave nothing to chance. Im just gonna have to go detective. How did you get Mentadent? You learned everything there was to know about toothpaste and then you pounced... Jack narrows his eyes, thinking about that deal... JACK (CONTD) Thats our play here... Resolute, Jack turns to the dog. JACK (CONTD) If you could take a dump some time in this century, then we could go home where its warm... Jack looks around at the unfamiliar houses... JACK (CONTD) That is if I can even remember how to get home... (to Lucy) You remember, dont you girl? But the dog ignores him, dragging Jack along... 47 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Kate is in bed, fast asleep. Jack walks into the room, his face still red from the cold outside. He looks over at Kate, sleeping happily. He takes off his shirt and khakis, laying them neatly on the chair. He looks over at the pair of flannel pajamas folded on the dresser. He shakes his head, resigned, then dons the pajamas and climbs into bed... CHAPTER SIX - BEING A PARENT 48 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - MORNING Morning light streams into the room. The clock reads, 7:14. Jack opens his eyes a burst of light hitting them from the window...like the morning light in his Manhattan loft... He reaches across the bed...its empty... A smile of hope from Jack as he puts his head back on the pillow...maybe it was only a day...Then... The sound of a baby CRYING from the next room...A pained look on Jacks face as he realizes hes still in Jersey. Now the baby is WAILING...Jack lies still a moment, hoping itll stop...it doesnt. Then, he hears the sound of the SHOWER TURN ON in the bathroom. He gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom... 49 INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS The shower is running, a tape player is BLASTING Beast of Burden. Kate is in the shower SINGING LOUDLY with the song... JACK Hello? No answer... JACK (CONTD) (louder, over music) Hello! KATE (singing) ...my feet are hurtin... JACK (yelling) HEY! Finally, the music is turned down and Kate pulls the shower curtain open... Jack sees her naked body...raises an eyebrow...thats something hes missed...then... JACK (CONTD) Uh...that babys crying... KATE (unimpressed) And...? ...her expression makes Jack turn his gaze from her naked body. KATE (CONTD) Dont give me that look, Jack, Tuesdays your day and you know it. And try to get Josh to day care on time, okay? He missed the macaroni painting last week... She closes the curtain and turns the radio back up. CUT TO: 50 INT. JOSHS ROOM - MORNING Annies watching from a baby-size Laz-E-Boy lounger as... Jack, in a robe, stands in front of a changing table, Josh laying happily on his back, playing with a set of plastic keys. Jack takes a fresh Huggies diaper and puts it next to the baby. He surveys Josh, scratching his chin and rubbing his hands like Indiana Jones. Josh playfully grabs at Jacks nose. He looks over to Annie. Shes still staring at him like hes a Martian. He looks at the instructions on the box of Huggies. JACK Pull tape... Jack searches the diaper for the tabs of tape, then gingerly pulls them apart, releasing the diaper from the babys bottom, and seeing whats inside. JACK (CONTD) Holy mother of god! Jack holds the diaper out away from him, searching for a place to put it. Annie points to a Diaper Genie by the dresser. Jack throws the diaper in, then quickly replaces the lid. Annie points to the container of Baby Wipes. JACK (CONTD) You must be kidding... Annie stares at him a beat. Then... ANNIE Youre not really our dad, are you? Jack turns to her. Shes looking back at him with complete earnestness. They stare at each other another moment. Then... JACK No, Im not. A look of curiosity from Annie. JACK (CONTD) I work on Wall Street, you know with the big buildings...? No response from Annie... JACK (CONTD) I live in an apartment house with a doorman, I can buy just about anything I want... Annie nods at Jack, still suspicious. JACK (CONTD) This isnt my real life. Its just a glimpse... ANNIE Wheres my real dad? JACK I dont know... A concerned look on Annies face, Jacks petrified that shes about to cry. JACK (CONTD) But dont worry, he loves you and Im sure hell be back very soon... (to himself) ...very, very soon... Annie approaches Jack, climbing up on a little chair and tugging firmly at his hair. ANNIE They did a pretty good job. JACK Who did? ANNIE The aliens...In the mother ship. You look just like him. JACK Uhh...thanks...slightly better looking though, right? Annies now stone faced, trying to decide about Jack. JACK (CONTD) Youre not going to start crying, are you? Because Im not really sure I could deal with that right now. She thinks about it for a moment. ANNIE Do you like kids? JACK On a case by case basis... ANNIE You know how to make chocolate milk? JACK I think I could figure it out. ANNIE You promise not to kidnap me and my brother and implant stuff in our brains? JACK Sure. Beat. Then...a smile from Annie. ANNIE Welcome to earth. 51 INT. MINI-VAN - MORNING Jacks driving, Annie buckled in the front seat... Josh, in the baby seat, looks like he was dressed by monkeys his shirt buttons are off by one, and theyre clearly supposed to be in the back. ANNIE Stop here... Jack stops the van outside the Playland Day Care Center. ANNIE (CONTD) This is day care. Its where babies go when their parents are at work. JACK Check... He gets out of the van... 52 EXT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS ...he pulls Josh out and walks quickly toward the building, holding the baby away from his body. He gets to the door and holds Josh out to the DAY CARE LADY. She stares at Joshs outfit... JACK Do I get a receipt or something...? The woman looks at Jack like hes crazy. 53 EXT. YMCA - A FEW MINUTES LATER The mini-van pulls up to the drop-off point at this suburban New Jersey Y. Annie opens the door. ANNIE I have winter camp until four, then ballet until five thirty. JACK Five thirty. Okay. ANNIE Try not to be late because kids dont like to be the last one picked up. JACK Got it. Good tip. ANNIE Bye... CHAPTER SEVEN - A TIRE SALESMAN Jack watches her as she runs toward the building. Then... JACK (calling out window) Hey! Annie! Annie turns back toward him. JACK (CONTD) Where do I go now? ANNIE Big Eds. JACK Big Eds? Big Eds Tires? (suspicious) Why...? ANNIE Thats where you work. A beat. Then... JACK You mean I sell tires... She shrugs her shoulders and walks off. JACK (CONTD) Thats what I do. Im a tire salesman... CUT TO: 54 INT. MINI-VAN - A LITTLE LATER Jacks driving down a busy commercial street when he spots something a hundred yards down the road... JACK Good Lord... ...a huge, three-story-tall plastic likeness of Big Ed Reynolds, ten gallon hat, lassoing a tire... 55 EXT. BIG EDS TIRES - MOMENTS LATER Jack approaches Big Eds from the parking lot...slowly, taking it all in... Its like a Pep Boys with a Texas theme. A big retail store for tires and auto parts, and a repair bay for everything from alignments to brake jobs... Jack walks to the tire bay where HECTOR, 40s, a Guatemalan mechanic in grease-stained coveralls, stands with TOMMY the salesman. TOMMY Hey Jack, you happen to know the stock number on those new Michelin X1's? JACK Uh...lemme get back to you on that one... (looking at his name tag) Tommy... HECTOR (to Tommy) Thomas, why you bother Jack about that. Look it up yourself... (to Jack) Okay Jack, we talk later... Jack nods amiably then continues into the store... 56 INT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS Jack walks in...looks around...the store is teeming with activity, a post-holiday sale in progress... Big Ed, in his signature ten gallon hat, sees Jack from behind the counter... BIG ED Jack my boy! You are looking mighty worse for the wear...Hey, guess who I played bridge with two nights ago...? Jack stares blankly at Big Ed... BIG ED (CONTD) Hell, youll never guess. One Sydney Potter. Thats Sydney Potter, Chief Executive Officer of BuyRite Transport. Only the third largest trucking company in the state. I even let the sonuvabitch win, which wasnt easy because the guys been bashed in the head by Teamsters so many times his brains like porridge. Anyhoo, hes looking for a new parts supplier... we can handle that kind of volume, right? Jack considers this briefly. JACK Im gonna have to get back to you on that...Ed. Big Ed makes a gun gesture with his forefinger, winking at Jack, then turns back to the activity at the counter as... Jack spots KENNY, a very young sales associate, walking by. He reaches out and taps Kenny on the shoulder. JACK (CONTD) Do I have a private office somewhere in the building? KENNY Uh...sure Jack... (nervously pointing) Right back there... JACK Thank you. Jack walks into the office with his name on the door... 57 INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Theres no Stairmaster here, no leather sofa or bar...its small, cramped and cluttered, the walls littered with tire inventory and price lists... Jack takes a slow, sad lap around the office. He makes it to the small wooden desk at the far end of the room and sits down behind it... On the desk are photos of Jack, Kate and the kids, a plastic Michelin Man model, a tire-themed day calendar and a small plastic figurine of a BOWLER, the word, Bowlers Do It In An Alley embossed on its base... He surveys the desktop briefly, then opens the top drawer, finding a personal checkbook and looking inside... He sees the bottom line and winces, then puts it back... Jack picks up the Bowlers Do It In An Alley figurine and gives it a good look... JACK Bowlers do it in an alley?...Non profit lawyers do it for free... what is it with these people? Dont they realize this refers to sex? He replaces the figurine then opens the bottom drawer where he spots a bottle of Glenfiddich. He lifts it out... JACK (CONTD) At least you splurged on some decent scotch... He takes a paper cup and pours himself a shot. He drinks it down in one gulp and then crumples up the cup, throwing it toward the NETS basketball hoop/garbage can near the door. He misses... He looks more closely at the photographs...most are family photos, a happy Jack with Kate, with Annie at the pony rides, at Joshs birth...in every one of them, Jack is smiling... JACK (CONTD) (to Jack in the photo) What are you smiling about...? He turns his head...spots a small plaque on the wall behind him. It reads, Jack Campbell - E.F. Hutton #1 Junior Sales Associate, 1988. Jack raises an eyebrow... JACK (CONTD) Number one...not bad. He grabs it off the wall and looks at it more carefully... JACK (CONTD) 1988...? I was in London in 1988... Jacks jarred into reality... JACK (CONTD) (to Jack in the photo) You never went to London... (picking up the photo) ...you never got on that plane... He stays there a moment...in shock. Then... The P.A. system comes to life... ESTELLE (over P.A.) Jack to mag wheels...Jack, youre needed in mag wheels, customer waiting! CUT TO: 58 INT. BIG EDS TIRES, MAIN FLOOR - MINUTES LATER Kenny leading Jack toward the Mag Wheels section. JACK ...I was the number one junior sales associate at E.F. Hutton in 1988. Did you know that? KENNY No, I didnt...thats great. JACK Thats the kind of thing you can really build on... KENNY Uh huh... JACK I mean sales has always been a feeder for M and A, always... They approach Mag Wheels where TOMMY, a slick sales associate, stands with a CUSTOMER looking at the displays... KENNY Here we are, mag wheels... (a little concerned) Hey Jack, are you sure youre okay? JACK Well, Im just a little confused right now about why I work here... Kenny looks at him nervously. KENNY Uh...I just started here last Tuesday. Jack nods compassionately. Kenny takes off leaving Jack alone with his thoughts as Tommy approaches with the customer. TOMMY (to the customer) So youre all set on the Skip Shift eliminator and the Brembo rotors. Jacks our point man on alloy wheels... JACK (turning to Tommy) Do you know why do I work here...? TOMMY Because youre the best damn tire guy in the state of New Jersey... (proudly, to the customer) Jack taught me everything I know about the business... The customer nods, impressed. JACK I taught you the business? Another nod to the customer. TOMMY And hes a crack-up. JACK Everything I taught you. I want to hear it all, right now. Tommys confused. CUSTOMER Hey, Im ready to buy here... JACK (to the customer) What do you want? CUSTOMER I want some alloy wheels. Jack grabs one of the alloy rims off the shelf, holding it out to the customer. JACK Here. These are great. Youll need four. The customer takes the wheel from Jack, looks at it confused... CUSTOMER But I dont like these... JACK Hey, you heard the guy, Im the best damn tire guy in the state of New Jersey. (turning to Tommy) Everything. TOMMY Okay... (hesitating) Rule number one, the customer is always right... A satisfied smirk from the customer. 59 INT. BIG EDS TIRES, JACKS OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON Jack is behind his desk, his tie loosened, on the phone... JACK (into phone) ...I have no idea what our inventory level is, thats why Im asking you... A KNOCK at the door... JACK (CONTD) Look, just send us what you sent us last month, okay...? And keep doing that until further notice... He hangs up the phone as the door opens. Big Ed sticks his head in... BIG ED Got a minute, Jack? JACK Ive got all the time in the world... Big Ed walks in, followed by SYDNEY POTTER, 60s, a tough looking man... BIG ED Jack, meet Sydney Potter, BuyRite Transport, one of Jerseys top businessmen... Potter extends a hand, Jack rises from his chair, trying to place the name. Then... JACK ...and a helluva bridge player. Eds told me a lot about you... They shake hands. Potter nods his head at Jack, immediately impressed. Big Ed is beaming. POTTER (in a heavy Jersey accent) Lucky in cards, lucky in business, lucky in love. My cup runneth over... (to Big Ed) Hes a nice looking boy... BIG ED My daughters no slouch either... A smile from Potter, then a serious look. POTTER Lets cut to the chase, Jack. Big Ed tells me youre the grease that makes the wheels turn around here. I need a new parts supplier for my fleet. You seem to have the parts. That we know. What we dont know is why the hell I should buy them from you. Potter stares Jack down. But Jacks not about to be intimidated by him. He pauses, matching Potters stare. Then... JACK I have no idea... A surprised look from Potter. An anxious laugh from Big Ed. BIG ED (nervous) Cmon Jack... JACK (to Potter) I mean it. From what I can tell, were a mom and pop operation, were already over-extended in sales, and any price advantage we could offer would easily be matched by a larger supplier... Jack continues to stare down Potter. JACK (CONTD) So like I said, I dont have any idea why you should buy your parts from us... The staring match continues. Big Eds getting more nervous. Potters the first to blink. POTTER Okay, you got my attention... JACK Except for rule number one... Jack smiles. JACK (CONTD) The customer is always right. A cliché? Sure. The difference is, we mean it. Were small, we need our customers. We cant afford to disappoint them, ever. Yeah, you could go to some leviathan supplier, probably save a few pennies on the price of oil filters, but with us you get more than a supplier, you get a bridge partner... A smile from Potter. Jack gives Ed a wink. Ed watches, thrilled... JACK (CONTD) You want to bid hearts, were right there with you. You feel the need to redouble, youre not going to get any argument from us... Potter nods at Jack. Jack moves in for the kill. JACK (CONTD) The big guys may have the high cards, but you know as well as I do, Sydney, high cards dont always take the trick. Potter pauses a minute, then... POTTER (to Big Ed, re: Jack) I like him... Big Ed smiles, letting out a relieved sigh. BIG ED (a wink to Jack) Thats my boy... (an arm around Potter) Cmon, lemme show you the rest of the ranch... Big Ed and Potter exit the office... BIG ED (CONTD) (turning back to Jack) Nice shootin, Jack... ...leaving Jack there with a satisfied smile on his face. 60 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT Jack is in bed watching CNBC...On the TV a young woman REPORTER at the anchors desk... CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) ...advancers led decliners by a nine to four ratio and the closing tick was a mildly bullish plus seventy six. Much of the markets action today was fueled by the latest round of merger mania to hit Wall Street... The Global Health Systems and MedTech logos appear on a graphic in the corner of the screen... CNBC REPORTER (CONTD, ON T.V.) ...when Global Health Systems and MedTech Pharmaceutical announced their intentions to join forces in a massive one hundred and twenty two billion dollar stock swap deal. Though neither side expressed significant regulatory concerns at the announcement press conference, it is believed that both the FDA and the FTC will be closely scrutinizing the marriage, the largest ever in the health care industry. When asked about possible anti- competitive implications, Global Chairman Bob Thomas referred reporters to P.K. Lassiter and Company President Alan Mintz, the original architect behind the deal... Jack stares in shock as the image changes to a super confident looking Mintz shaking Bob Thomas hand at the press conference. CNBC REPORTER (CONTD, ON T.V.) Ironically, Mintz first met Thomas at a Lamaze class... JACK A Lamaze class...!? CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) ...while coaching their pregnant wives, Mintz and T homas struck up a dialogue about the need for consolidation in the rapidly growing health care industry and two months later, the deal with MedTech was born... JACK What?! Thats my deal? CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) In other business news, U.S. Labor Department officials announced today that two hundred and seventy-five thousand new jobs were created last month, twenty-five thousand less than economists were predicting, leading to a mild rally in the bond markets before midday. But as the trading session drew to a close, the profit takers stepped in and the long bond closed at ninety seven even, up only two ticks, the yield inching down to six point zero seven percent... Kate comes into the room from the hallway wearing only Jacks NYU sweatshirt... KATE The kids are asleep... She goes over to the window and draws the blinds. Jack looks up at her, nods, then goes back to the TV. KATE (CONTD) Jack. I said the kids are asleep... JACK (distracted) Well thats just great...those little monkeys can be a real handful... Kate shuts off the TV. JACK (CONTD) Hey! I was watching that! KATE I thought we had a deal about you watching CNBC in bed. JACK Im working on a new deal now... Kate throws a Kate Bushs The Sensual World into the CD player. KATE Fine, but not tonight... She climbs onto the bed, a seductive look on her face. JACK Wait a second. You want me, dont you? KATE That is the general idea, yes... Kate starts kissing him...but Jacks a little uncomfortable with the sudden intimacy...he pulls back, a little nervous. JACK Shouldnt we grab some dinner first? Maybe a bottle of wine...? KATE Its ten thirty, Jack. By eleven youre gonna be sprawled out on the bed snoring your head off. We dont have time for wining and dining. JACK Whatever you say...honey. She starts kissing him again...but this time he just goes with it, and as her hands run through his hair hes brought back to a different time and place... Jack momentarily pulls back and looks at her...its like the first time hes really looked at her in eleven years... JACK (CONTD) God...youre beautiful... She smiles at him, almost uncomfortable with the compliment... KATE Thanks, Jack... JACK No, Im serious...youre really stunning... KATE This is good stuff, Jack, keep it coming... JACK I mean back in college, you were a very pretty girl, theres no question about that. But this... (lost in her) ...youve really grown into a beautiful woman... Jack stares at her, entranced...Kate pulls back, reacting to the intensity in his stare... KATE How can you do that? JACK (nervous) Do what? KATE Look at me like you havent seen me every day for the last twelve years... Jack freezes. Theres love in her eyes but its not meant for him... She kisses him... KATE (CONTD) Dont move. She gets up off the bed and heads for the bathroom... He looks around...not sure what to do...Finally... He turns onto his side and closes his eyes... Kate emerges from the bathroom, she sees Jack on the bed, hears his breathing heavy with sleep... At once charmed and disappointed, Kate sighs. She turns off the CD player and heads into bed. She pulls the covers up over Jack, shutting off the light... She puts an arm around him, kissing him sweetly on the neck... KATE (CONTD) night, honey... Close in on Jacks face...turned away from Kate...he opens his eyes...looks down at her arm...loneliness on his face... CHAPTER EIGHT - THE MENS DEPARTMENT DISSOLVE TO: 61 EXT. MALL - DAY Its mid-January and all signs of the Christmas season are gone except for the snow on the ground in the busy parking lot. 62 INT. MACYS, MENS DEPT. - DAY Kate, pushing Josh in the stroller and holding Annies hand, passing through the Mens Dept., Jack lagging behind, a bevy of shopping bags in hand and a beleaguered look on his face. KATE (back to Jack) Were almost done here... ANNIE Mary Janes, Mom. You promised. KATE Thats right. Okay, lets make a quick stop at the kids shoe department, pick up my watch from the battery place, then Ill run into the linen store... An unhappy look on Jacks face. JACK Why dont we just go to all the stores?! Kate looks back at Jack. JACK (CONTD) Every single store in this godforsaken shopping mall. We can go to them all. Kate gives him a look. Then... KATE You know what, Jack?! Ill go with the kids. Why dont you just hang out here in the mens department... okay? Jack glances at the Mens Dept., sighs and gives Kate a nod. She takes off with the kids...and then he sees it... ...the Zegna section. Hes drawn to the neat rows of beautiful suits like a moth to the light... He approaches the rack, pulls out a dark green suit, gently touching the soft wool. SALESMAN (O.S.) Its perfect for your frame... Jack turns and sees a SALESMAN standing behind him. SALESMAN Would you like to try it on? CUT TO: 63 INT. MACYS MENS DEPT. - A LITTLE LATER Jack, at a mirror wearing the Zegna suit. It is perfect for his frame. The color is spectacular, the line is dazzling. Jack looks in the mirror, shutting everything else out... its like hes seeing his old self... KATE (O.S.) You look amazing in that suit... Jack snaps out of his trance. He sees Kate standing behind him, Annie and Josh happily playing a few feet away. KATE I mean...wow...off the charts great. JACK Its an unbelievable thing. Wearing this suit actually makes me feel like a better person. (taking one final look) Im gonna buy it... Kate raises an eyebrow, then looks at the price tag. KATE $2,400?! Are you out of your mind? JACK (pointing to Annies new Mary Janes) She got those shoes... KATE Those shoes were twenty five dollars. Cmon, take it off. Well go to the food court and get one of those funnel cakes you like. Jack looks at her...its a moment of decision. JACK No. Kate looks at Jack, a little surprised. KATE No? JACK Do you have any idea what my life is like? KATE Excuse me? JACK I wake up in the morning covered in dog saliva...I drop the kids off, spend eight hours selling tires retail...retail, Kate. Kate just stands here, aghast... JACK (CONTD) I pick up the kids, walk the dog, which by the way, carries the added bonus of carting away her monstrous crap...I play with the kids, take out the garbage, get six hours of sleep if Im lucky, and then it starts all over again...and why is it that I always have to drive everyone everywhere? I spend practically my entire day in that slow as hell mini-van listening to Raffi tapes and trying to figure out how the cup holders work...Im sick of it. KATE Really. JACK Whats in it for me? Where are my Mary Janes? Kate stares at him, shaking her head... KATE Its sad to hear your life is such a disappointment to you, Jack. JACK I cant believe its not a disappointment to you! (letting it all out) Jesus, Kate, I couldve been a thousand times the man I became. How could you do this to me? How could you let me give up on my dreams like this?! Kate stares at him in disbelief. Then... KATE Who are you? Kates words pierce Jack...he has to avert his eyes. JACK (lowering his voice) Look, Im sorry. Im sorry I was such a saint before and Im such a prick now. Maybe Im just not the same guy I was when we got married... KATE Maybe youre not. The Jack Campbell I married wouldnt need a $2400 suit to make himself feel better about his life, but if thats what its gonna take, then buy it. Just buy the goddamn suit ...we can take the money out of the kids college fund. They stare at each other for a moment...a stand-off... JACK Forget it... (taking off the jacket) Well get a funnel cake. Itll be the highlight of my week... 64 EXT. NEW JERSEY ROAD - NIGHT The blue mini-van makes its way down this road... 65 INT. MINI-VAN - NIGHT Theres an icy silence in the car...Jack is behind the wheel, Kate next to him looking out the window, anger on her face... CHAPTER NINE - REMINISCING Jack checks the rear-view mirror, sees Annie and Josh in the back, both asleep... JACK (to Kate) Listen, Im sorry about that back in the store. I really dont want to fight with you... Kate just keeps looking out the window. JACK (CONTD) But you must sometimes wonder how we ended up here. I mean back in college, did you see us... (looking around) ...here...? She turns to him. KATE Ill give you this, life has thrown us a few surprises... A glimmer in Jacks eye... JACK It really has, hasnt it? So if you had to...what would you say was the biggest surprise? She glances at the kids sleeping in the back. KATE Well...Annie for one. JACK Surprise. Were pregnant... (a laugh) Yeah...that mustve been...I mean that was very unexpected. But what are you gonna do, right? KATE I think it worked out okay, dont you? JACK Sure. I really like Annie. KATE Good, Jack. Maybe well keep her. JACK No, I love Annie. We had a lot of good times, didnt we? KATE We were young... (a nostalgic smile) Remember that little place on Charles Street we used to go to? JACK Charles Street? In the Village? When we were living in Greenwich Village...? (off her nod) Great times. Whyd we ever leave? KATE You cant really raise a kid in an apartment in the Village... Jack nods, starting to piece it together. KATE (CONTD) The trek out to the hospital every day didnt help either... (looking at him) You were great. Surviving the heart attack was one thing... JACK You had a heart attack? KATE (a laugh) Jack, stop that. I'm still mad at you... (a sigh) ...who knows what wouldve happened if you hadnt stepped in at the store. JACK Thats why I work for Big Ed? A look from Kate. JACK (CONTD) (recovering) I mean, thats why I work for Big Ed... Jack looks out at the road a moment, piecing it all together in his mind. JACK (CONTD) (almost to himself) So we had a baby, Big Ed had a heart attack, we b ought that house, and Ive been working for him ever since...Sayonara, Wall Street. Kate looks at him a little strangely. JACK (CONTD) (turning to her) Our life in a nutshell... KATE If you want to look at it that way... JACK How would you look at it? She glances again at the kids in the back seat, then at Jack. KATE A great success story... A smile from Jack. He admires her outlook even if he cant bring himself to share it. DISSOLVE TO: 66 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - EVENING A crowded suburban New Jersey bowling alley... Jack stands at a lane holding a bowling ball, the nickname The Hammer emblazoned over his bowling shirt pocket...He approaches the line and throws the ball down the lane... Its ugly...The ball caroms off the hardwood into the gutter. JACK Damn... ARNIE (O.S., from behind) Jesus, Jack, this is a league match, for gods sake! Jack turns. Arnie and the BOWLING TEAM are in the scorekeeping area watching Jack make a mockery of the sport. Jack scowls. ARNIE (CONTD) Wheres your follow through? Wheres your stance? JACK Hey, Im doing the best I can... (under his breath) Id like to see you hit a squash ball after seventeen beers... ARNIE Youre right. Why am I so competitive!? Compensation, I guess. Look, just focus, Jack. You can still pick up the spare... Jack retrieves his ball, sets up, genuinely concentrating... JACK (quietly, to himself) You are Jack Campbell. Youre better than this sport. You shot the rapids at Kenai. You ran with the bulls at Pamplona. You jumped out of a plane over the Mojave Desert, for Christs sake. You can do this... Jack puts everything he has into the throw, heaving the ball down the lane with as much grace and power as he can muster...hitting the six pin and taking out four others. JACK (CONTD) (screaming, excited) Yeah!! He turns, a fist pumped...But the guys could care less... ARNIE (to TEAMMATE) Okay, Pete, youre up. 67 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - LATE Jack walks out of the mens room, heading toward the lounge. He sees a familiar face walking toward him...a woman in a sexy little bowling outfit, carrying a bowling ball to a far lane. EVELYN Hi Jack... A moment of confusion as he tries to place the face. Then... JACK Evelyn, right? EVELYN Very funny. I saw you out there on lane five. What do you have the flu or something? JACK Something like that. EVELYN (with a wink) Need a nurse? JACK Youre a nurse? Evelyn laughs. EVELYN If thats what you want... She brushes past Jack, continuing to her lane...Jack follows her with his eyes a moment, then... JACK Wait a second... She turns. JACK (CONTD) Are we...? EVELYN Are we what, Jack? JACK Is there something going on between us? Evelyns surprised at Jacks directness. She stands there a beat, then walks back toward him. EVELYN Are we finally being honest? JACK It would help me if we were. EVELYN Okay, youre right, weve been dancing around this for years... Evelyn looks a little flush...she briefly fans her face. EVELYN (CONTD) God, my heart is racing. Here goes... (a smile) When I get dressed for a party and I know youre going to be there... well, lets just say I dont go strapless because my husband likes it... An intrigued smile from Jack. EVELYN (CONTD) Ive got six sets of snow tires piled up in my garage and I wont even drive in the snow...And our kids just happen to be in the same ballet class every year? She picks a piece of lint off his shirt. EVELYN (CONTD) So, if youre asking me whether Id like it to be more, the answer is yes... A look of surprise from Jack. EVELYN (CONTD) ...and Kate would never have to know. Jack considers this for a moment. JACK Do I have your number? A wide smile from Evelyn. EVELYN Steves out of town with the kids this week. Why dont you just stop by... She turns, leaving Jack standing there, watching her sashay back to her lane. 68 INT. BOWLING ALLEY, LOUNGE - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the lounge, a little dazed. He heads over to Arnie whos having a beer at the bar. ARNIE (looking at Jack) Hey Jack, youre all flush. I guess that seventy-one took a lot outta you. JACK (sitting down) I just saw Evelyn Thompson. ARNIE She is relentless. JACK She wants to have an affair with me. ARNIE She said that? JACK Pretty much. ARNIE Oh yeah... (shaking his head) What is it about you? JACK (pushing over a napkin) So could you write down her exact address? ARNIE Whoa...whoa...wait a second, Jack. Youre not actually gonna cheat on Kate? JACK It wouldnt really be cheating... (off Arnies doubtful look) Its complicated. ARNIE Look, maybe Im not as good a consigliere as you are but you have to trust me on this one. A little flirtations harmless but youre playing with fire here. The Fidelity Bank and Trust is a tough creditor. You make a deposit somewhere else, they close your account forever. JACK Im telling you, those rules dont apply to me, Arn. ARNIE (a chuckle) Screw the rules. Im talking about the choice. Jack looks at him curiously. ARNIE (CONTD) Cmon, Evelyn Thompsons got no class. She doesnt marry Dr. Steve, the womans living in a trailer. JACK Hey, is that really necessary? ARNIE All Im saying it there isnt a guy in Union County who wouldnt give his left nut to be married to Kate... Arnie takes one last swig of his beer and gets up... ARNIE (CONTD) Ill see ya later, Jack... He leaves Jack alone, thinking... CHAPTER TEN - CAKE WARS 69 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - NIGHT Jack walks into the house carrying his bowling bag. He dumps the bag in the coat closet and walks into the kitchen where... Kate is at the counter, her back to him, poring over some legal documents. KATE (not looking up) How was the game, honey? JACK (opening the fridge) Long, boring, and generally pretty sad. Arnie seemed to enjoy it... (peering inside) Hey, wheres that chocolate cake...? Kate turns around, revealing a huge hunk of chocolate cake on a plate in front of her, a bite ready to go into her mouth. KATE (with a smile) You mean this chocolate cake? JACK Thats my piece. I was saving it because I got nauseated from that store bought chicken. Kate takes the bite, a little piece of icing sticks to the side of her mouth. KATE Its good... Jack approaches the counter. JACK Gimme that cake. She takes another bite. KATE No way. He makes a grab for the plate but she holds it out where he cant reach it. JACK Cmon. KATE Sorry, Jack. Its too important to me. They stare each other down a moment. Then... He tries to swipe the plate. Kate jumps out of her chair, running out of the kitchen with the cake, laughing... Jack takes off after her...chasing her through the house... just about the catch up to her when... She darts up the stairs, still laughing...he follows her... JACK I want that cake! ...reaches up...grabs her shirt...pulls her down playfully on top of him... KATE (laughing) You want the cake!? JACK (out of breath) I want it... She looks at him, then takes the whole piece in her hand and smooshes it right in his mouth... Beat. Then, Jack starts laughing... JACK (CONTD) Thank you... KATE Its good, right? He takes a big clump of it and smooshes it in her mouth. They stay there a moment, lying on the stairs, feeding each other cake, laughing. Jack leans back on the stairs. He looks at Kates face, practically covered in cake, smiling, and realizes... ...he hasnt laughed like this in thirteen years. Then... JACK Are the kids asleep? A sexy smile from Kate...they start kissing passionately right there on the steps...its heating up... KATE (caught up in the moment) Say it, Jack... JACK What...? KATE Cmon, you know what I like to hear... JACK (in the throes of passion) Yeah, baby, I know what you like to hear... KATE (kissing him) Then say it...just say it to me...! JACK (swept up in the moment) Oh yeah, youre a bad girl, baby... You make me so hot...Im gonna take you to that special place... Kate pulls away. KATE What...? Jack looks up at her, he can practically see the passion drain from her face... JACK Not it...? KATE Nice, Jack. Youre sweeping me off my feet. JACK What? You make me hot... She gets up and heads up the steps, disappearing into the bedroom...Jack shakes his head, frustrated. Then, he feels something licking at his hand... He looks down and sees Lucy standing next to him, wagging her tail, looking up at Jack with an Ive gotta go look on her face. Jack heaves a sigh, then... JACK (CONTD) Cmon, Lucy, maybe one of us can get a little relief tonight... He leads the dog toward the front door... 70 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MINUTES LATER Jack is walking Lucy. He passes a house that looks familiar to him. Then he sees it... ...the name THOMPSON etched on the mailbox... Its the Thompson house, now sans the garish Christmas decorations, a drying Christmas tree tied up on the curb, ready to be picked up as garbage... Jack stops, pulling the dog back, looking up at the house... He sees a light on in the upstairs bedroom...the faint outline of a woman reading by the window... EVELYN THOMPSON... Jack looks around, sees the street is empty, then nudges the dog, leading her up the path to the house. He gets to the front door...moves his hand up to the doorbell...but its a tentative move...he keeps it there a moment, perched at the button...but for some reason he cant bring himself to push it... He looks down the street, toward his own house, then to the window upstairs. Finally, he turns... JACK (pulling the leash) Cmon, girl, lets go home... 71 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE FOYER - MINUTES LATER The front door opens and Jack walks in with Lucy on a leash, his face red from the cold outside. He gives the dog a pat on the rump, then takes off his coat, hanging it and the leash on a hook by the door... He walks through the quiet house, into the living room, rubbing his hands together to warm them up. CHAPTER ELEVEN HOME MOVIES He goes over to a glass bar stand and pours himself a scotch, taking a sip, letting the alcohol warm him... He strolls through the room, looking at some of the family photos framed and hanging on the wall, focusing on his own face in the pictures, studying the expressions... He moves to a pile of video tapes sitting on a shelf, marked with titles like, Trip to Yosemite, 96" and Joshs 1st Birthday. He runs his fingers along the tapes, stopping at one marked, Jack Singing. His eyes linger there a moment... He puts his drink down and pops the tape in the VCR... ON TV: Its a party for Kates birthday thrown at the Kramers house...same crowd of people as the Christmas party, cheesy Happy Birthday decorations. The image jerks up and down, surveying the crowd... Bill Kramer at the piano, playing some light cocktail music ...Kate talking with a group of friends... ARNIE (O.S.) Jesus, Bill, this thing is an antique. Dont you even have image stabilization? Bill stops playing and looks up at Arnie. BILL KRAMER Four hundred bucks at Best Buy, Arn. Then...Jack comes into frame, a confident smile on his face. JACK And everyone knows image stabilization is for the weak... Jack is jarred by the image of himself on the video... Jack on TV...he smiles as Kate walks into frame, easily putting an arm around Jack... ARNIE So Jack, its your wifes birthday, got anything to say to her? JACK (to Kate) Its your birthday? Today? Whats your name? Where were you born? KATE Jack. JACK Wait a minute. Youre my wife? She slaps him playfully on the arm... JACK (CONTD) I do have one thing I wanna say... Kate looks at him expectantly. Then... JACK (CONTD) (singing to her) Oh those fingers in my hair, that sly come hither stare, strips my conscience bare, its witchcraft... Jack doesnt have the greatest voice in the world but hes not the least bit self-conscious...and Kate seems to like it, theres a twinkle in her eye...some of the guests focus their attention on Jack and Kate. Jack winces, embarrassed, as he watches himself sing... JACK (CONTD) ...and Ive got no defense for it, that heat is too intense for it, what good would common sense for it do... Bill Kramer still at the piano, chimes in with the basic chords for Witchcract, sounding it out as he goes along... JACK (CONTD) ...Cause its witchcraft, wicked witchcraft...and although I know its strictly taboo...when you rouse the need in me, my heart says yes indeed in me, proceed with what youre leadin me to... The camera catches the reactions of guests in the crowd... the women, smiles on their faces, wrapped up in the romance of the moment. Envy on the mens faces as they watch Jack serenade his wife... A musical interlude from Bill as Jack takes off his jacket...some HOOTS and HOLLERS from the crowd...Arnie captures the image of Kate whistling at her husband... Arnie follows with the camera as Jack strolls in front of the gathered guests... JACK (CONTD) Its such an ancient pitch, but one that Id never switch, there aint no nicer witch than you... Jack watches himself move gracefully. But its no longer embarrassment on his face, its fascination... Back in the video, the camera catches Evelyn Thompson watching longingly as Jack moves back toward Kate...Evelyn cant take it anymore, she abruptly turns and walks toward the kitchen... Jack raises an eyebrow... In the video...Jack approaches Kate, she couldnt have a more delighted look on her face. He picks up the verse... JACK (CONTD) Cause its witchcraft, that koo koo witchcraft...and although I know its strictly taboo... The camera pans across the crowd, even the men are getting into it, focused on Jack as he sings lovingly, unashamed, to his wife...Nick Careli mouths the words along with Jack, almost as if hes studying him, revering him... Jack watches the TV, seeing Nick do this...maybe he underestimated his alter ego... On the video...Jack staring into Kates eyes... JACK (CONTD) ...when you rouse the need in me, my heart says yes indeed to me, proceed with what youre leadin me to... Jack and Kate exchange a sexy smile... JACK (CONTD) Its such an ancient pitch, but one that Id never switch... Jack kisses her on the lips...HOOTS and HOLLERS from the crowd. JACK (CONTD) Cause theres no nicer witch than you... Kate brushes a hand across Jacks face... Smash cut to Jack watching this...seeing the connection, the heat between them...coveting it... Back to the video...the music building...the crowd completely in the palm of Jacks hand... JACK (CONTD) ...than you... The camera closes in on Jack and Kate as the music builds to a crescendo... JACK (CONTD) ...than you... A little musical flourish from Bill as the crowd breaks out into huge CHEERS and APPLAUSE... Jack, watching this other version of himself in the video, the center of attention, larger than life, focused on Kate... Back on video... JACK (CONTD) (speaking quietly to Kate) Happy Birthday sweetheart...I love you. Kate leans over, giving Jack a deep kiss...OOHS and AHHS from the crowd...but Jack and Kate are in their own little world... Jack continues to watch himself on the video, his smile fading, becoming a look of realization...then loss... A tear at the corner of his eye... The SOUND fades in Jacks head as the action in the video continues... Hes left standing there...silent, still... DISSOLVE TO: 72 INT. CAMPBELL MASTER BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING Lucy licking Jacks face. Jack pushes the dog away...as... The ALARM RINGS. Kate pushes the button to stop it. KATE (groggy) Time to get up, honey... Jack obliges without question, getting out of bed, putting on a robe and slippers and exiting, still practically half-asleep. 73 INT. KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the kitchen. He turns on the Mr. Coffee, gets a bottle from the fridge, throws it in the microwave, removes it, and heads upstairs. 74 INT. JOSHS ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...into Joshs room. Josh is wide awake, standing up in his crib, like a prisoner in a cell. Jack gives him the bottle, pats his head perfunctorily, and then walks out of the room... CHAPTER TWELVE - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY 75 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ...and back into the bedroom to find Kate, sitting on the bed, a wrapped present in front of her and a wide smile on her face. Jack stops, raising an eyebrow at the gift. He looks behind, as if to ask whether its for him, then back to Kate. KATE Happy Anniversary, honey... Terror on Jacks face. KATE (CONTD) (pushing the gift forward) Before you do whatever crazy stunt youve got planned I want you to open mine... Jack musters up a smile, then approaches the gift. JACK Maybe I should wait... KATE No, open it... He hesitates, then begins unwrapping the package, revealing... ...a suit, similar in color and style to the Zegna suit... KATE (CONTD) I found it at an outlet store. I know its a knock-off, but I think itll look great on you... JACK (examining the label) Zeena... Jack is overcome with emotion...Yes, its a ZEENA, but this is probably the nicest thing anyones ever done for him... JACK (CONTD) (tearing up) You really are incredible... KATE Enjoy it, sweetheart... Jack looks at Kates expectant face, suddenly remembering how truly screwed he is. JACK Youre probably expecting something from me... Hes sweating bullets...watching as Kate gets a quizzical look on her face... JACK (CONTD) Heres the thing. I really hadnt planned on giving you your...uh... anniversary gift until tonight. (an uncomfortable smile) You know, anniversarys good all day... KATE What are you talking about? You never wait all day. You can barely wait until its light out. JACK I know that, but... Beat. Kate looks at him like shes looking into his soul. KATE You forgot. Jack stands there, silent. KATE (CONTD) You actually forgot our anniversary. JACK Ill fix it. Ill go out right now and get you something. Ill make it right. That didnt help. KATE (holding back the tears) Jesus, Jack...Is this where we are now? Is this our marriage? Suddenly Im the wife who has to drop hints two weeks before her anniversary so her husband doesnt fuck it up? Jack sees a tear run down her face...a pang of guilt on his... JACK Please dont cry... Kate wipes the tear away but they just keep coming. KATE (shaking her head, crying) I dont want to be that, Jack... Jack approaches her, holding out a hand but Kate pushes it away, gets up and walks toward the bathroom... Jack is left standing alone, holding Kates gift... CUT TO: 76 INT. FRONT PORCH - MINUTES LATER Jack emerges from the house, steps out onto the porch for some air... He shakes his head, a mixture of frustration and self- pity on his face. He notices Annies bike leaning against the side of the porch, and the bell that Cash gave him sitting on its handle bar. He takes a step toward it, and gives the bell a gentle RING ...he looks around, as if hes expecting someone to appear ...but theres no one. He RINGS the bell again, louder this time, really trying to attract someones attention. JACK Cmon...cmon... Nothing. Finally, he lifts the bike up in the air, RINGING the bell with everything hes got... JACK (CONTD) (shouting to the sky) Cmon, goddamnit, how was I supposed to know the date of their anniversary!? I never married her! Pull back...Annie in the doorway...looking at him. ANNIE (slowly) Put the bicycle back on the ground... Jack turns and sees her, gently lowering the bicycle. 77 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE KITCHEN - MORNING Jack is mixing a glass of chocolate milk. Annie, arms folded, is waiting expectantly. He finishes, sliding the glass to her. She takes a long sip, puts the glass down, a chocolate milk mustache on her lip. ANNIE Not bad...I shoulda warned you. Dad always does something really special for their anniversary. JACK Like what? ANNIE One year he had a solar system named after her... JACK Dont you think thats a little gimmicky? ANNIE Mom liked it. Jack raises an eyebrow. JACK Maybe theres a jewelry store back at the mall. I could get her a pair of earrings or something. ANNIE Thats good but...you did forget the anniversary. JACK Right. Thats a major oversight... (thinking aloud) So if Im Kate...I cant really afford the finer things, my husbands career is a crushing disappointment to me, Im trapped in suburbia... Then... JACK (CONTD) Did he ever take her to the City? Annie smiles, impressed. ANNIE Youre really gettin the hang of this. Suddenly, a look of confidence comes over Jacks face. For the first time, he seems like a man in control. 78 INT. BEDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON Annie is sitting on the bed watching her mother get dressed. Kate, wearing a silky slip, walks out of her closet carrying two dresses on hangers, a red one and a sexy little black one. Kate holds out the two dresses to Annie. KATE Which do you think? Annie thinks about it for a moment, taking it very seriously... ANNIE The black one... Kate nods. Shes about to put it on when she looks at Annie... KATE Fightings a part of it, Annie. You know that, right? ANNIE Im not worried, Mom. Hes still learning our ways... Kate looks at her with a raised eyebrow, then nods. Its true. She puts down the dress and holds out a hand to Annie. KATE Cmere. Kate leads her to the makeup table, then opens a lipstick... ANNIE (excited) Really? Kate nods then applies some red lipstick to Annies lips. KATE Now go like this... Kate rubs her lips together, showing Annie how to do it. Annie mimics her Mom, then Kate looks at her Annies beaming. KATE (CONTD) Youre gonna break a lot of hearts, you know. A smile from Annie... Pull back to reveal...Jack standing at the door, watching ...appreciating the kind of mother Kate is... 79 OMITTED 80 EXT. LOIRE - NIGHT A small, elegant French restaurant hidden on a tree- lined lower Manhattan street. 81 INT. LOIRE - SAME TIME Jack is wearing the suit Kate gave him. Its not a Zegna, but he looks pretty damn good. He leads Kate toward the cloak room at this intimate restaurant... He helps her off with her coat. Kates wearing the sexy little black dress and we can immediately see its effectiveness... JACK You look beautiful... A charmed smile from Kate as she hands Jack her coat. Jack hands the coats over to the COAT CHECK GIRL... JACK (CONTD) (instinctively) Thanks, Catherine... Jack fakes a SNEEZE, trying to cover up...Kate gives him a pat on the back... KATE You okay? He takes Kate by the arm... JACK Fine... He leads her to the main room. She looks out at the room, elegant tables, French country decor, a PIANIST playing Cole Porter... KATE (quietly to Jack) Jack...can we afford all this? JACK Whats the difference? Im taking my baby out for our anniversary, damn the costs... KATE How do you even know about this place? Jacks caught for a moment. Then... JACK Arnie... (insistent) Arnie. Hell throw you a curve ball once in a while, thats for sure... Jack puts his arm around her and kisses her on the cheek... 82 INT. LOIRE - A LITTLE LATER Jack and Kate sit at a secluded table, a WAITER standing next to them. Jacks not even looking at the menu. JACK Well have the tureen of quail breast with shiitake mushrooms to start, then the veal medallions in raspberry truffle sauce and the sea scallops with pureed artichoke hearts...sea scallops, North of the Caspian... Kate looks at Jack, a mixture of confusion and awe on her face. WAITER Very good, sir. And may I say those are all excellent selections. JACK You may... (perusing the wine list) Also, well have a bottle of Lafite, 1982. Kate reaches over and pulls down the wine list, reading it upside down. KATE Its five hundred and fifty dollars, Jack! A wince from Jack...for a moment there it was almost perfect. JACK Just a glass of red wine for each of us... The waiter nods, then walks toward the kitchen... KATE You are so not off the hook yet, slick. JACK But Im gettin close, right? A noncommittal nod from Kate. Then Jack notices her look over at the pianist, drawn in by the music. JACK (CONTD) You want to dance? A puzzled look from Kate. Theres nobody else dancing. There isnt even much room to dance... KATE I dont think theres dancing here, Jack. Jack gets up and holds out a hand. JACK Sure there is... Kate looks around again, then she smiles. Kate rises, taking his hand. Jack takes her in his arms, swaying slowly in the limited amount of space, confident and self-assured. The pianist looks up, smiling, appreciating their role in this romantic moment. Kate moves with Jack, following his lead comfortably. They look good together...in sync with each other... People are watching them...some of the men are impressed, others are scoffing, but the women are clearly charmed... KATE (whispering to Jack) Pretty good for a tire salesman from Jersey... Jack flashes her his most charming smile. JACK I have my moments... They continue to dance, in a world of their own... 83 INT. LOIRE - LATE Jack and Kate at the table enjoying a gourmet meal. Jack holds out a fork with a piece of veal for Kate. She takes a bite. KATE Mmmm... (spearing a scallop) ...here, try one of these... Jack takes a scallop from Kates fork. JACK (savoring the scallop) God I missed that taste... Kate laughs. JACK (CONTD) Why are you laughing? Kate shoots him a look of curiosity. Jack looks back at her, sees the trust in her face...He puts down his fork. JACK (CONTD) I need to tell you something. KATE Okay... JACK I think it may help us but theres a slight chance it could make things worse. She hears the seriousness in his voice. KATE Now Im worried...just say it. Whatever it is well deal with it. JACK Are you sure? She nods. Jack searches his mind for the right words. Then... JACK (CONTD) I feel like Im living someone elses life... Jack looks to her, expecting the worst. But she just nods reassuringly. He continues... JACK (CONTD) I used to be so sure about everything, you know? I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. Then one morning I woke up and suddenly it was all different... KATE Worse, you mean... JACK No. Well, maybe a few things. But mostly just different... Jack lets out a small smile. Now hes the one whos reassuring Kate. JACK (CONTD) I never used to be like this, Kate. I had it all figured out. No doubts, no regrets. KATE And now...? JACK Now...I dont... He looks at her, staring into her eyes, almost desperate for understanding. KATE Me neither. A raised eyebrow from Jack. KATE (CONTD) I think its good to be a little unsure about who you are. Its very human. JACK But you always seem so certain. KATE Cmon, Jack, you think there arent mornings when I wake up and wonder what the hell Im doing in New Jersey... JACK Thats a big one for me, too. KATE My office is a dump, I answer my own phone...and youve seen my pay check. JACK Your pay check is a disgrace to pay checks. KATE I mean yes, I help people that need it... JACK I guess...some of them are probably faking. KATE (a laugh, then...) God, sometimes I think it would be so nice not to have to stretch ground beef or maybe drive a car with a CD player... He smiles, right there with her. KATE (CONTD) Imagine having a life where everything was easy...where you asked for things and people just brought them to you... JACK Its wonderful... Kate laughs, nodding. A pause, then... KATE I think about it, too, Jack. I do. I think about the kind of person Id be if I hadnt married you... Its as if shes inside his head. They stay like this for a moment, looking into each other. JACK And...? She stops a moment, considering. Then... KATE And I realize Ive just erased the things in my life Im most sure about. You, the kids... Jack nods. JACK Good things... KATE What are you sure about? Jack looks into Kates eyes. JACK Im sure that right now theres nowhere Id rather be than here with you... Kate smiles at Jack, a loving, secure smile. Its been a while. CUT TO: 84 EXT. PENSION - NIGHT The mini-van parked outside a small brownstone right on the square. Its like something out of a Henry James novel... charming, meticulously maintained, elegant... 85 INT. PENSION, SUITE - A LITTLE LATER The door opens and Jack, carrying Kate in his arms, enters... Jack puts Kate down and she takes in the room, antique furniture...its like walking into another world... KATE This is so beautiful... Jack smiles as he opens a champagne bottle sitting on a silver ice bucket... KATE (CONTD) You know champagne makes me do crazy things. JACK (pouring) Ill just full yours up to the top. (handing her a glass) Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Kate smiles, clinking her glass with Jacks. KATE I dont know how you did it, hoss, but you pulled it off. JACK Im out of the doghouse? KATE Way out... Kate saunters into the bedroom, looking at the king- size poster bed, feeling the down quilt. Jack follows her... KATE (CONTD) (turning to him) You may even get lucky tonight... Kate kisses him...when their lips separate, we can see the powerful effect it has on him. Jack looks deep into her eyes, stroking her hair, lost in her. JACK Youre so...beautiful... KATE I already told you you were gonna get lucky, Jack... They kiss again, a long soulful kiss. Then... Jack pulls back, a look of realization on his face... JACK My god, all this time...I never stopped loving you... KATE (a wide smile) Thats all I wanted to hear... She kisses him, their bodies intertwined...hands caressing ...more and more passionate...then reaches behind her to the light. The room goes dark... DISSOLVE TO: 86 INT. PENSION, SUITE - MORNING Morning sun streams onto Jack and Kate in bed... Kate, in Jacks arms, her head on his chest, a contented smile on her face... Jacks eyes open...adjust to the light. He looks over at Kate. Theres something different in his eyes...something deeper. Jack smiles...a broad, Im in love kind of smile. Kate stirs, gently stroking Jacks chest. KATE Mmmm...Jack... Kate lifts her head, turning to face Jack. KATE (CONTD) I feel like I should give you money... Jack laughs. KATE (CONTD) I mean, my god, Jack you were always good but this...this was... like a porno movie. Kate lays her head back on Jacks chest, looking at Washington Square through the window. KATE (CONTD) I could stay here forever... JACK I dont think Id fight you on that one... Kate lifts her head and looks at him expectantly. They kiss. 87 EXT. NEW JERSEY STREET - NIGHT The mini-van passes a sign that reads, Welcome to Teaneck. 88 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, VARIOUS - MORNING Annie walking through the downstairs of the house, practicing her violin...its a noise bordering on MUSIC, but not quite... She walks into the kitchen where... Jack stands at the counter in his robe, reading the Newark Star Ledger and drinking a cup of coffee. He lowers the paper, watches Annie with a smile as she strolls through the room playing her violin badly...he goes back to his paper. 89 INT. JACKS CLOSET - MINUTES LATER Jack, still singing, donning his Dockers and short- sleeve oxford... 89A EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - MORNING The front door of the Campbell House... Jack emerges in his work clothes, putting his coat on, a bagel in his mouth... He disappears from frame, the screen door closing slowly behind him... In a moment...Kate appears at the door, a cup of coffee in her hand...she follows Jack with her eyes as he heads to the car. Then...a smile from Kate... In a moment...Jack returns to frame and heads straight into Kates arms... ...a passionate kiss as she leans against the door post... KATE Have a good day... A smile from Jack as she pats him on the ass and sends him on his way... 90 EXT. BIG EDS - AFTERNOON Jack, pointing to a stack of radials, is standing with a MAN (40s) wearing a pale blue leisure suit and a pair of high top Nike Air Jordans. JACK For the money, theyre hands down the best radial we carry... MAN (thinking, then...) Okay, Ill take them... JACK You wont regret it... (shouting to Tommy) Tommy! Set Mr. Conlin up with four B.F. Goodrich G-Force T/As... (looking the man over) ...and give him ten percent off for having the best costume... Just then, a black ROLLS ROYCE SILVER SERAPH pulls into the lot, its front left tire riding on the rim... ESTELLE (O.S.) (over P.A. system) Jack, Kate on line two! Jack pick up two! Jack turns toward the door, but then looks curiously back at the Rolls...something familiar about it... Then...Peter Lassiter gets out of the car... KENNY (walking out to Jack) Kates on two, Jack. (on seeing the Rolls) Nice ride... JACK (staring at Lassiter) If youre into that kind of conspicuous consumption... KENNY You want me to handle him? I think Im ready... ESTELLE (O.S.) (over P.A. system) Jack! Kate still holding on line two... JACK Sure...be careful, he looks like a tough negotiator... Jack walks inside... 91 INT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS ...but hes still focused on Lassiter through the window, cant take his eyes off him... He gets to the phone...sees the light for line two blinking ...he looks back outside, sees Kenny approach Lassiter... ...back to the blinking phone light...he picks up the phone... But cant bring himself to hit the blinking light. Then... JACK (to Estelle, into intercom) Tell Kate Ill call her back... INTERCUT WITH ESTELLE IN HER OFFICE ESTELLE (into intercom) It sounded pretty important. JACK (into intercom) Im with a customer. Ill call her back. He takes his hand away from the phone and walks back outside the store... CHAPTER THIRTEEN - PETER LASSITER 92 EXT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS ...towards Kenny and Lassiter. LASSITER (to Kenny) I seem to have had some kind of blow out... Jack approaches, tapping Kenny on the shoulder. JACK Why dont you let me take this one, Kenny? KENNY Okay, chief. Kenny nods then heads back inside... JACK Peter Lassiter... LASSITER (surprised) Do I know you? JACK Not exactly. Ive seen you on CNBC. (with a smile) You look taller in real life... CUT TO: 93 INT. BIG EDS TIRED, JACKS OFFICE - LATE Jack leaning back in his chair, behind the desk of his cluttered, cramped office. JACK ...truth is, Mintz was so busy timing his wifes breathing he didnt see that MedTech needed Global more than the other way around. Ten days, two weeks tops, they wouldve approached you with an offer, and Id bet anything it wouldve been thirty billion, not twenty nine... (a knowing smile) Problem was, Peter, you had a pussycat running the show. What you needed was a rottweiler. Lassiter, sitting on the little chair across from Jack, an intrigued look on his face... LASSITER (nodding) Well, Im impressed. A smile from Jack. LASSITER (CONTD) I really am... Jack savors the moment, until... LASSITER (CONTD) So, about my car... Hes jarred back to reality, a little crestfallen... JACK Sure. Were going to have to special order that tire. Itll be ready in about two days. Lassiter nods, then takes a business card out of his wallet. LASSITER This has my office address on it... (thinking, then...) Why dont you drop it off yourself? A smile from Jack. CUT TO: 94 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, JACKS BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Kate, sound asleep in bed... Pan across to Jack, his eyes wide open, lost in thought... 95 INT. BIG EDS, JACKS OFFICE - DAY Jack wearing his Zeena suit, sitting behind his desk, distracted, as he listens to HECTOR, 40s, the GUATEMALEN MECHANIC. HECTOR ...I say to her, Margarita, we already have four kids, why do we need more? Jack is shaking his leg anxiously under the desk as he eyes the door... HECTOR (CONTD) But she say she want an even number. I say four is an even number! But she say she want six. Jack checks his watch... HECTOR (CONTD) I tell her, Margarita, I just got my green card, I like to sit back and rest a little bit... JACK (interrupting) Hector...do I usually listen to your personal problems? HECTOR Sure, Jack, all the time... Jack nods, then... JACK Look, I have some business that I have to take care of in the city so Im leaving early... (getting up) My advice to you...follow your dreams. CUT TO: 96 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - AFTERNOON Jack pulling up to the building in Lassiters Rolls... He gets out of the car, walks to the building, feeling good, confident, stopping to gaze up at the skyscraper...he breathes in deeply, then heads inside... 96A INT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Jack enters, instinctively tossing the car keys to the SECURITY GUARD...the guard looks at him like hes crazy... 97 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - MINUTES LATER Jack and Lassiter walk together... LASSITER ...were really more of a boutique operation, as you can see... JACK But youre not interested in boutique dollars... (a smile) I get it... They walk into... 98 INT. ALAN MINTZS OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Past the assistants desk... MINTZS ASSISTANT (seeing Lassiter) Hes expecting you, Mr. Lassiter... Lassiter doesnt even slow down... 99 INT. ALAN MINTZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Its Jacks old office but you wouldnt know it from the decor...lots of country pine, a fabric sofa, and a play pen where the bar used to be. Jack enters, immediately struck by the difference... LASSITER (to Mintz) Alan, this is Jack Campbell...the one I was telling you about... Mintz, a confident look on his face, gets up from the desk and goes to shake Jacks hand. ALAN Jack, of course. They shake hands. JACK (appropriately deferential) Mr. Mintz. ALAN Please, call me Alan. We try to cultivate a casual atmosphere around here... JACK (re: play pen) I can see that, Alan. A chuckle from Mintz. ALAN You have kids, Jack? JACK (hesitating, then...) Uh...actually, yes. Two... good ones. Another laugh from Mintz. ALAN Thats great... (gesturing to the sofa) Why dont you have a seat? Jack nods, sits down on the plush sofa, Mintz and Lassiter take the chairs. ALAN (CONTD) So, Peter mentioned that you were an avid CNBC watcher but didnt say whether you had any actual Wall Street experience? Jacks a little taken aback by the question, not realizing he was walking into an interview... He crosses his legs, trying to get comfortable. JACK I was a sales associate, at E.F. Hutton. ALAN A broker? Really. And now youre in the tire business? JACK Thats right. And auto supply... ALAN Uh huh. The retail end, I understand. Jack nods... JACK Uh...we actually get about sixty percent of our business from automotive service. ALAN Mind if I ask what kind of sales you did last year? Ballpark... JACK We did one point seven million in total revenue... ALAN Uh huh...one point seven. And what do you project for this year? Jack pauses, analyzing the situation...the patronizing questions, the smirk on Mintzs face... ALAN (CONTD) Any thoughts at all on that? As Jack stares into their faces, he realizes the extent of his handicap... ALAN (CONTD) Jack? He stops, takes a moment, looking at Mintz and Lassiter then ...a confident smile. JACK Well, Alan, I think were gonna have a banner year. Sales are up almost twenty percent in the first quarter and we just landed a major trucking company account. ALAN Really. So youre projecting what, a tad over two million? A gleam in Jacks eye. JACK Thats right. And that would make us number one in our market... (getting up) You mind if I stand? A raised eyebrow from Mintz. Mintz and Lassiter follow Jack with their eyes as he crosses the room to the desk, pours himself a glass of water... JACK (CONTD) Look, I know our paltry little two million in sales is about what you spend on office supplies in a year. And I know some regional trucking company account is nothing compared to a sixty billion dollar merger... ALAN Im not trying to knock the tire business, Jack. JACK (a confident chuckle) Its okay, Alan. I get it. Im in your shoes, Im thinking exactly the same thing...but heres the thing. Business is business. Wall Street, Main Street, its all just a bunch of people getting up in the morning, trying to figure out how the hell theyre gonna send their kids to college. Its just people... Jacks confidence is throwing Mintz off, but Lassiter appears intrigued... JACK (CONTD) And I know people. ALAN Im sure you do... LASSITER (intervening) Lets let the man have his say... Mintz covers his embarrassment with a smile... JACK (to Mintz) Take you, for instance... ALAN (defensive) What about me? JACK You drink about sixteen Diet Cokes a day. Youre an excellent father, but you feel guilty about the time you spend away from home. You drink bourbon, but you offer your clients scotch... Jack looks around the office then back to Mintz. JACK (CONTD) And your wife decorated this office... A laugh from Lassiter as Mintz sits there stewing, a caught look on his face. LASSITER He certainly has your number, Alan. JACK (turning to Lassiter) Youre a little tougher, Peter. A raised eyebrow from Lassiter, but hes game... JACK (CONTD) For one thing, you like expensive things. LASSITER (smiling proudly) Thats easy. Youve seen my car. JACK (a chuckle) Okay...you smoke Hoyo de Monterreys. Youre a scotch man, single malt, not because its trendy but because youve been doing it for forty years, and you stay with what works. You have two great loves in your life, your horses and this company. You wept openly the day the Dow hit ten thousand... Lassiters impressed. JACK (CONTD) And youre a man who prides himself on finding talent in unusual places... LASSITER Oh? And how would you know that? Jack smiles. JACK Because Im here. On Lassiter...nodding his head. Mintz, a plastered-on smile. JACK (CONTD) Im prepared to do anything it takes to get this job. Start anywhere you need me to start. Ill park cars if I to... (into Lassiters eyes) The biggest part of judging character is knowing yourself. And I know this, I can do this job. Give me a chance, Peter, I wont let you down. Lassiter returns Jacks gaze with equal intensity. In a moment, he turns to Mintz. LASSITER (to Mintz) Alan, why dont you show Jack around a bit... ALAN Id love to. CUT TO: 100 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - MINUTES LATER Jack and Alan walking side by side down the hallway... EMPLOYEES passing them by, greeting Mintz, Mintz waving back... ALAN (pointing) ...thats our war room. We did seven major deals last year, three of them hostile. JACK (not particularly impressed) Seven. Really. They turn a corner, coming into a deserted section of the corridor. Mintz stops, turning to Jack. Jack returns Mintzs gaze with a quizzical look. ALAN Lets cut the shit, huh Campbell? What, did you go through his wallet or something? Jacks a little taken aback. ALAN (CONTD) No matter. That circus act back there may have dazzled Lassiter momentarily but it doesnt do shit forme. Even if you get this job, which I highly doubt, let me warn you, Lassiter loses interest in his pet projects very quickly. Im in the big office because Ive proved myself to him year after year and nobody is going to come in here and start turning the old mans head. Especially not some tire salesman from New Jersey. So you watch yourself and stay away from Lassiter, and maybe, just maybe, Ill keep you on after he gets tired of you. Do we understand each other? Jack stands there, staring at Mintz, silent, expressionless. ALAN (CONTD) Do we?! Then, a broad smile from Jack. JACK God, you really are different, arent you... (nodding) I mean...wow...I am impressed. Now its Mintzs turn to look quizzical. JACK (CONTD) Good for you. Why shouldnt you protect whats yours. ALAN I dont think youre hearing me. JACK Oh, Im hearing you, Alan. Thats not the problem. The problem is that what you think is yours, is really mine. And I dont care how low on the totem pole I start, I will get it back... (poking him in the chest) So do yourself a favor and dont get too attached to that view because sometime soon, maybe very soon, you and your French country antiques, your chintz sofa, and your little play pen are gonna be moving out of that office. Jack smiles at Alan one more time, then turns... JACK (CONTD) Oh, and by the way, you try selling tires for a living. I promise you, youd starve. Jack heads down the corridor, whistling a happy tune, leaving Mintz standing there, bewildered. CHAPTER FOURTEEN - A PERFECT LIFE? CUT TO: 101 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - DAY A double door opens and Jack leads Kate into this huge duplex. Kate looks around, taking the place in. JACK Welcome to Xanadu... The place is incredible...marble floors, architectural lines, high tech fixtures, elegant modern furniture... its striking but not at all homey like the Jersey house. JACK (CONTD) Pretty incredible, isnt it? KATE Its like a museum. Jack nods. KATE (CONTD) (turning to Jack) So whats the big surprise? You didnt rent this place for the weekend, did you? JACK Think bigger. KATE For the week? Jack chuckles. JACK This place is a perk, Kate. KATE A perk for what? JACK A company called P.K. Lassiter and Associates Investment House uses it to attract new executives... Kates confused. JACK (CONTD) Youre talking to their new Vice President of Mergers and Acquisitions. KATE What are you talking about, Jack? JACK Im going into arbitrage, honey. Turns out I have a knack for it. Ill be making two hundred grand a year plus a hefty bonus and thats just to start. And, we can live in this apartment practically rent free for as long as we want. Jack measures her reaction. Its not good... JACK (CONTD) We can finally afford to move back into the city. In style. Kate just looks at him, in shock. Then... KATE Are you out of your mind? JACK I dont think so. This is going to be a better life for all of us, honey. Well put Annie and Josh in private schools... KATE Annie goes to a great school. JACK Im talking about the best schools in the country here, Kate... KATE Jack, what could you possibly be thinking? What about my job? JACK This is New York City, its like the needy people capital of the world. Those Jersey clients of yours arent a tenth as pathetic as the ones you could get here... KATE (cutting him off) I cant believe you want to move back into the city. I thought the reason we left was because we didnt want to raise the kids here? JACK No, this is the center of the universe. If I were living in Roman times, I would live in Rome, where else? Today, America is the Roman Empire and New York is Rome itself. John Lennon. KATE (cutting him off) Jack. Jacks starting to struggle... JACK Look, Im detecting a kind of funky tension here...We dont have to live in this apartment. I dont need this...Ill commute...Ill drive to work... Jacks back on his heels...seeing his dream picked apart... KATE In traffic? Its over an hour each way? Thats almost three hours a day. When are you going to see the kids? Hes frustrated...he pauses a moment to gather himself. Then... JACK Kate. Youre not understanding me. Im talking about a great life. A perfect life. Everything we pictured when we were young. The whole package. You said it yourself, life has thrown us surprises, and so we made sacrifices. But now I can finally get us back on track... A sad chuckle from Kate. JACK (CONTD) I can do that. I want to do that. For all of us. I need to do that as a man... (imploring her) Think about it. No more lousy restaurants, no more clipping coupons, no more shoveling snow... KATE Then get a goddamn snow blower! Jacks taken aback by the intensity of her tone. KATE (CONTD) Dont get a new career without even telling me. Dont take Annie out of a school she loves. Dont move us out of a house weve become a family in... Kate stands there, wounded... KATE (CONTD) (quietly) Dont do that... JACK Look, youre making this into something its not. This isnt a referendum on our lives, Kate. Its a step forward... (appealing to her) Dont you see? Im talking about us finally having a life other people envy. Silence. Kate looks him in the eye a deep, piercing look... KATE They already do envy us, Jack... Kate picks up her bag and walks out of the apartment. 102 OMITTED 103 INT. ANNIES ROOM - NIGHT Annie is in a nightgown, practicing her violin. Jack walks in. Its all he can do to hold back cringing at the missed notes. Annie finishes the piece, lowering the bow. JACK Very nice. What is it? ANNIE Mary Had A Little Lamb. JACK Ah. A classic... Annie starts PLAYING again as Jack looks at the dresser. She has 20 or so family photos lined up and down its sides... Jack studies them...in every one Jacks face is totally contented. Jack studies them, looking at his own face. Annie lowers the bow, watching him... Jack turns to her. JACK (CONTD) Please dont stop... She smiles, then starts PLAYING again. He turns back to the pictures... 104 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, DEN - LATE Jack...standing in front of the desk, nursing a drink. He looks at Lassiters business card, sitting on the surface of the desk... He gazes around the room...his eyes coming to rest on a bookshelf...a book... He moves toward it...looking at its spine...its a tattered copy of Vonneguts Cats Cradle. He pulls it off the shelf, theres something inside...a bookmark... ...a PAN AM ticket jacket sleeve... ...inside...a boarding pass...From: London/Heathrow, To: New York/JFK, 10/4/87. He looks at it...somethings not right... JACK From London to New York...? (looking up) I came back... Then...a NOISE... Jack turns and sees Kate walking into the doorway, standing there...She sees Jack holding the Pan Am ticket sleeve. KATE Our finest moment, right... A quizzical look from Jack. KATE (CONTD) When you got on that plane I was sure it was over. I left the airport afraid Id never see you again. And then you showed up the very next day... (a wistful smile) That was a good surprise... She continues into the room, leaning against a bookshelf. KATE (CONTD) I think about you on that plane, about what must have been going through your mind...you sitting there imagining our life together, our life apart...I think about the decision you made... Jack watches her as she lets out a small sigh. KATE (CONTD) Maybe I was being naive but I believed wed grow old together in this house. That wed spend holidays here, have g randchildren visit us here. I had this image of us all grey and wrinkly, me working in the garden, you repainting the deck... Kate smiles gently as she pictures this. KATE (CONTD) Things change, right? People change... (pausing) If you need this, Jack, I mean really need this, I will take these children from a life they love, and take myself from the only home weve ever shared, and move wherever you need to go. Ill do that because I love you... The words are like a warm embrace for Jack... KATE (CONTD) I love you, Jack. And thats more important to me than our address... Kate smiles lovingly at Jack...she walks over to him, kisses him gently on the forehead. KATE (CONTD) I choose us. She turns and heads out of the room, leaving him there, the boarding pass still in hand, staring lovingly at her as she goes... 105 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack walks into the room... The lights are off, Kate already in bed sleeping. He undresses for bed, unable to take his eyes off Kate. Finally, he lifts the covers and climbs into bed next to her, moving closer to her, putting an arm around her, drawing her in... In her sleep, Kate nestles in Jacks embrace. He savors the feeling, then closes his eyes as... They lay there...side by side...together...a single person. DISSOLVE TO: 106 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING The morning light streams into the room. Kate opens her eyes. Jacks not in bed. A look of curiosity. Then, she hears LAUGHTER from outside. She goes over to the window...opens the blinds... revealing... Jack in the backyard, LAUGHING with joy, playing in the snow with Annie and Josh. Kate watches...a satisfied smile sweeping across her face... 107 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BACKYARD - SAME TIME ...Jack reaches out and snags Annie...she CACKLES in delight... The three of them fall over onto the soft white snow... The laughter from the kids is uncontrollable, Jacks joy is just as palpable... Finally, Annie stops laughing and grabs Jack around the neck, hugging his tight. ANNIE (whispering in Jacks ear) I knew youd come back... DISSOLVE TO: 108 INT. GARAGE - NIGHT Jack walks over to a utility shelf, fishing around until he finds a bag of rock salt...he grabs it, sees its empty... And then he hears it...the sound of a BICYCLE BELL RINGING, echoing through the room. A shudder passes through his body... He turns and sees Annie at the open garage door, sitting on her bike, ringing the BELL. Its an eerie moment for Jack... JACK What are you doing? ANNIE (a curious look) Ringing my bell... On Jacks anxious face... 109 OMITTED CHAPTER FIFTEEN SAYING GOODBYE 110 INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT On Jack...crouched down in an aisle of this local convenience store...checking out the bags of rock salt... He looks at the price tag on one of the bags... JACK Four ninety nine?! Its just salt for gods sake... On the entrance to the store...the door opens, a YOUNG GIRL, 17, enters, an average suburban teenager... She glances at a fashion magazine, picks up a package of gum... From the POV of the cashier, we see the girl approach the counter... On Jack, crouched down in the aisle. He grabs a bag of salt from the shelf, when... CASH (O.S.) Thatll be sixty five cents, little angel... Jack registers the voice...he rises slowly, looking over to the front counter...where he sees... Cash, dressed in a typical chain convenience store uniform, ringing up the teenager... An excited smile from Jack at the sight of Cash... JACK You...! Then...the color drains from Jacks face... JACK (CONTD) What are you doing here... Jack moves toward Cash at the counter... JACK (CONTD) Youre not sending me back... The girl eyes Jack curiously, then removes a dollar bill from her pocket and slides it across the counter to Cash... CASH Jack, its good to see you... Cash reaches into the register, taking out change for ten dollars...he hands the girl $9.35... CASH (CONTD) (to the girl) Thank you darlin... The girl looks at the money, realizing that Cash has given her the wrong change... CASH (CONTD) (back to Jack, seeing the rock salt) What do you got there, rock salt? Look at you, all domestic and shit... You really figured some things out, huh? The girl looks at Cash talking to Jack... JACK Im not going back... The girl hesitates...Cash turns to her... CASH (to the girl) Everything okay...? She looks at him, a moment of decision, then... TEENAGE GIRL Yeah...fine. JACK (raising his voice) Hey! Did you hear me...?! Cash ignores Jack, watching the girl as she heads to the door, hesitates a moment, then walks out... A look of disappointment on Cashs face as he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a little notebook... Cash looks at Jack. CASH (making a note in his book) That was a character issue... (shaking his head) ...and for nine dollars? Thats just sad... JACK Hey, Im talking to you! I am not going back, do you understand...?! Cash looks at him, compassion on his face. JACK (CONTD) You cant do this. You cant keep coming in and out of peoples lives, messing things up... CASH Cmon, Jack... Jack throws six bucks on the counter... JACK Ive got kids, Im going home... CASH You know what the word glimpse means, J? Its by nature an impermanent thing. Jack walks determinedly toward the exit. He stops and turns at the door... JACK (pointing at Cash) Im staying. Cash follows him with his eyes, a proud look on Cashs face as Jack leaves... 111 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, JOSHS ROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack walks to Josh. Hes sleeping soundly. Jack gently kisses Josh on the head, careful not to wake him. 112 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, ANNIES ROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack is standing over Annie, kissing her on the cheek. ANNIE (stirring, groggy) Is it morning yet? JACK No, honey. Go back to sleep. She closes her eyes as Jack stands there for a moment looking at her, sadness all over his face. JACK (CONTD) Take care of yourself, Annie. Im going back to the mother ship... Finally, he turns to go... 113 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT The clock reads, 11:17. Kate is already in bed as Jack walks in. KATE (looking up from her book) Hey... Jack approaches her, sitting on the bed... JACK These last weeks, Kate, I know that Ive done some...some unusual things. Kate nods. KATE Its been interesting, thats for sure. JACK But Ive done some good things too, havent I? KATE Youve been Jack Campbell. And thats always a good thing... She kisses him on the cheek. He takes her arms in his hands and looks her in the eyes. JACK I need you to remember me, Kate. How I am right now, right this very moment. I need you to put that image in your heart and keep it with you, no matter what happens. KATE Are you okay, Jack? JACK Please, just promise me youll do that. You have to promise, Kate. Because if you dont, then its like it never happened and I dont think I could live with that. Shes a bit confused but she couldnt be more in love with him. KATE I promise, Jack... JACK Promise me again... KATE I promise. Come to bed, honey. Jack stands up, heading toward the door. JACK Soon... 114 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE NIGHT Snow begins to fall... Jack with Lucy on a leash, walking side by side, his mind elsewhere... Lucy leads him around a corner...to a large open field... Lucy stops. She looks back at Jack, then out to the open field. Jack removes the leash. The dog bounds happily out into the field, looking for just the right spot. Jack puts his hands in his coat pocket...pulls out a half-eaten roll of PEPPERMINT LIFESAVERS, puts one in his mouth... He looks up at the sky, snow gently falling onto his face. Its cold, but its beautiful...peaceful and still...the air clean and crisp... He breathes in the fresh air, the Lifesaver dissolving in his mouth, watching the dog... 115 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT The room is dark... Jack enters, sees Kate sleeping soundly in bed. He sits down in a chair and watches Kate asleep, a sad look in his eyes... As he continues to watch her, to listen to her, his own eyelids appear to grow heavy... He tries to fight the sleep...opening his eyes... focusing on her...but its no use... Finally, he closes his eyes...falling into a deep sleep... CHAPTER SIXTEEN THE OLD LIFE DISSOLVE TO: 116 INT. JACKS APARTMENT, BEDROOM - MORNING A PHONE RINGING Jack, flat on his back in bed...Light streams onto his face ...he stirs... THE PHONE STILL RINGING... Jack reaches over to Kates side...theres no one there. Pull back to reveal...his old Manhattan apartment... his old dressy clothes strewn on the floor... Jack, sleep still in his eyes, reaches over...hes not wearing any pajamas...picks up the phone... JACK (groggy, dazed) Yeah...okay, send her up... He drops the phone...turns back over...lets his eyes stay closed for another moment...then... His eyes open... He looks around...sees his shirtless torso...then his old apartment...tailored clothes on the floor. JACK (CONTD) (sadly) Damnit. Jack looks at the clock, 9:23 a.m. He gets out of bed, throwing on pants and a pair of shoes, and leaves the room... 117 INT. JACKS APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...Jack walks to the door just as... The doorbell RINGS. He stops, then cautiously opens the door, seeing... PAULA, wearing a long overcoat and a wide smile on her face. PAULA Waiting for me by the door, huh? Jack looks at her. JACK Paula... Paula opens her coat the only thing she has on underneath is a sexy little teddy. JACK (CONTD) (momentarily distracted) Thats totally see through... PAULA (smiling) Merry Christmas... JACK (confused) Christmas? It cant be Christmas... Jack stares at her, totally confused... PAULA (lasciviously) Its whatever you want it to be, Jack... Jack grabs a leather jacket then walks right by a shocked Paula and heads out the door, practically running down the corridor. PAULA (CONTD) Jack?...Jack! CUT TO: 118 EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE - MORNING Jacks Ferrari speeds down the bridge, toward Jersey... 119 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - MORNING Jacks Ferrari pulls up in the driveway and he hops out. He races to the front door, POUNDING on it... A MAN in a Van Heusen shirt and Hagar slacks answers. Jack stares at him in shock. MAN Can I help you? JACK Is Kate here? Does Kate live here?! MAN Kate? No, theres no one here named Kate. Is that good enough for you? Jack starts rapping his head against the door post, much to the shock of the guy standing there. JACK Damn...damn...damn... MAN Hey, are you okay? JACK No...Im not... MAN Is there anything I can do for you? Jack shakes his head mournfully. MAN (CONTD) Hey, my wifes in the kitchen. You got a cigarette? JACK Im sorry, no... Jack walks off, beleaguered... 120 EXT. ARNIES HOUSE - MINUTES LATER Jacks car drives by as Arnie carries a bicycle box out to the garbage. The car screeches to a halt in front of the driveway. ARNIE (shouting at Jack) Hey, you cant park that thing here. JACK (out the window) Its me, Jack... ARNIE I dont care if youre Tim Allen with your fancy car and all your tools, you still cant park here. JACK Tell me you recognize me, Arnie. Please... ARNIE Howd you know my name? JACK We bowl together. Were bowlers ...we won a championship...were winners. ARNIE I never won anything in bowling. Arnie peers at Jack through the window. ARNIE (CONTD) Wait a second... (thinking) Jack...Jack... JACK Yes...Jack Campbell... ARNIE Of course. Jack Campbell. I went to high school with you...you played baseball, right? (at the Ferrari) Youre doing well... JACK (remembering) Yes, thats it...yes, we went to high school together. ARNIE You never really talked to me. I wanted to talk to you, man... JACK Yeah...I guess I just wanted you to know, we couldve been really good friends... 120A INT. FERRARI - DAY Jack driving...a CELL PHONE RINGS. A curious look on Jacks face, its been a while since hes heard that sound. JACK (answering phone) Hello? ADELLE (O.S.) Hey Santa, where are you? Everybodys here. JACK Adelle? ADELLE (O.S.) You were supposed to be here half an hour ago...the emergency strategy session? Your trip to Aspen? Theyre all panicked here... Silence from Jack... ADELLE (CONTD, O.S.) Jack...? Are you going through the tunnel? Finally, Jack shakes his head, defeated. JACK Ill be there in twenty minutes... CUT TO: 121 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, CONFERENCE ROOM - NOON TIME Its a beehive of activity... Jacks TEAM, anxiously going over reports and flow charts, working the phones, drinking coffee... Jack enters, still reeling from his experience, taking a moment to observe the action... Mintz spots him... ALAN (into phone) Thank god, Jacks here. Ill call you right back... He hangs up the phone as all eyes in the room turn to Jack, immediately fixating on how disheveled he looks. ALAN (CONTD) (approaching) Jack, are you okay? JACK (in a daze) Whats going on here? ALAN Its not good. Bob Thomas has secretly been talking to a European drug company. Were not sure which one, Julias on it right now. Word is theyre willing to let him buy a minority stake and keep running the entire company. The Global people are up in arms. They say we shouldve been prepared for this. Were in trouble here, Jack... Jack looks at Alan for a minute. JACK You know something, Alan. Theres a much more assertive person somewhere inside of you... Alan looks at him, confused. ALAN Excuse me? JACK But I think I like you better this way... ALAN Is this another one of those Sun Tzu Art of War tricks? A sad laugh from Jack. JACK No. ALAN So what are we gonna do, Jack? Jack wallows for another moment in his own sadness... ALAN (CONTD) Jack...? Jack snaps out of it, turning to Alan and the rest of the group... JACK Ill tell you exactly what were going to do. Youre going to do whatever you have to do to find out which European company hes been talking to. Then Im going to clean myself up, fly to Aspen, and drink egg nog with Bob Thomas. His wife and kids will be playing in the background while I spend Christmas day convincing him that the European company is the devil and Global is the answer to his prayers, after all... (growing wistful) Then Im going to spend four hours skiing. Alone. On Christmas day. Completely and utterly alone. Im going to do that because that is my life, that is whats real, and there is nothing I can do to change that... Jack leaves the office to the shocked stares of his team. 122 EXT. BROADWAY - DAY Jacks limo makes its way downtown. 123 INT. LIMO - SAME TIME Jack in the back seat of the limo, sadly looking out the window, watching the buildings pass by... He turns away, looks at the phone...haltingly picks it up... JACK (dialing 411) For Manhattan...Kate Reynolds...I need an address too... Jack jots something down on a business card. Then he hangs up the phone, thinks a moment, looks out the window, then turns to the driver... JACK (CONTD) Make a right here... DRIVER But the airports the other way... JACK Were not going to the airport... CUT TO: 123A EXT. KATES BUILDING - DAY Jacks limo pulls up outside this house on Washington Mews... Jack gets out... 124 INT. EAST SIDE APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY - AFTERNOON Jack stands outside an apartment door. He hears The Clashs London Calling BLARING from inside. He rings the bell...the volume of the music gets lower... Kates assistant, LORI, 20s, opens the door...Jack exchanges a curious look with her. LORI Are you from the shipping company? JACK Im Jack Campbell...Im an old... friend of Kates. I just called. The woman looks at him, then walks back inside... LORI (O.S.) Kate! Some guys here! Beat. Jack waits anxiously at the door. Then... KATE (O.S) (to Lori) Did you call the airline like I asked?! Jacks eyes come alive as Kate appears wearing jeans and a white blouse...except for her hair, she looks the same. JACK Kate... KATE Jack...God, its been so long...You look... She searches for a kind word, but he looks terrible. JACK You look great. KATE Its good to see you... She looks at him another moment, then turns... KATE (CONTD) (yelling inside) Lori! Wheres that box?! Kate walks inside, Jack follows her in sheepishly. 125 INT. KATES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS ...Jack accidentally knocks into a stack of boxes, sending a GLASS CANDY DISH CRASHING to the floor, SHATTERING it... JACK (bending down) I'm sorry... KATE Dont worry about it, Jack... Jack looks up at...a beehive of activity Lori on the phone, boxes stacked everywhere, TWO MOVERS packing up... JACK Whats going on? KATE (searching around) Im moving to Paris...it was right here... (to Lori) Its a box marked Jack. I put it in the stack for the Salvation Army... JACK Paris? LORI (to Kate, with attitude) Do you want me to look for the box or call the airline? KATE Hey, kind of under a little pressure here. LORI Hey, kind of giving up Christmas day for my ex-boss here. Jack watches this back and forth. KATE You didnt seem to mind offering to help me on Christmas day when you were unwrapping that Prada bag I gave you. LORI Maybe its by the wardrobe boxes... Kate heads over to some tall wardrobe boxes. JACK Youre moving... KATE Uh huh. To Paris. My firm has an office there and Im going to be heading it up. JACK (stunned) To Paris. Paris, France. KATE (searching the boxes) Thats the one... JACK So youre not at a non- profit firm? KATE (a chuckle) Not with what they pay me... JACK Youre not married, are you? KATE No, Jack, I never got married. You? JACK Not exactly... (looking around) Can we just take a minute here? Maybe get a cup of coffee or something...? LORI (yelling) Ill go for a cup of coffee! KATE Yes! A relieved smile from Jack... KATE (CONTD) I found it! LORI Congratulations. The La Guardia flights canceled but I got you out of Kennedy on United at nine. Am I good or what? Jacks smile disappears as Kate hands him a sealed box marked, Jack... KATE Here you go. Its just some old things of yours... Jack stands here, looking at the box, then at Kate... JACK Do you ever think about us, Kate? About what might have happened...? A bemused LAUGH from Kate. Then she sees hes not laughing... KATE Youre serious... A nod from Jack... KATE (CONTD) Ill tell you what, Jack, if youre ever in Paris, look me up. Maybe well go for that cup of coffee. One of the movers passes by Jack carrying a box... Jack looks at Kate, flush with the realization that this isnt the same woman he knew thirteen years ago, or left yesterday. JACK Sure. Goodbye, Kate. He leaves... CUT TO: 126 INT. JACKS APARTMENT - EVENING A scratchy Zeppelin album, the song All Of My Love, fills the room. Jack, a fifth of Bushmills by his side, goes through the box Kate gave him. He removes a worn leather jacket, feeling the soft material, then a Mondale for President button, which Jack smiles upon seeing, a couple Neil Young concert ticket stubs... He puts the leather jacket on, then sticks the Mondale button on the lapel. He digs back into the box, finding... A messy, dog-eared copy of Cats Cradle...not the one Kate gave him at the airport, the one she replaced... Jack looks at it for a moment...lost in his sadness... then... He looks over at the clock, it reads, 8:29. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN ONE LAST TRY CUT TO: 127 EXT. VAN WYCK EXPRESSWAY - NIGHT Jack in his Ferrari, racing down the highway at 120 MPH... He looks at the clock, it reads, 8:46. He opens up the throttle... 128 EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT, UNITED TERMINAL - MINUTES LATER Snow is falling as Jacks car races up to the terminal then stops. He jumps out. An AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD sees him... AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD Hey, you cant leave that there! Jack runs into the terminal, ignoring the guard... 129 INT. UNITED TERMINAL - SECONDS LATER Jack looking at the board. The nine oclock to Paris - Gate 8A. Jack sprints toward the gate... 130 INT. UNITED TERMINAL, GATE AREA - SECONDS LATER ...and gets there just as the flight is boarding. Jack looks through the crowd, spotting Kate near the front of the line, about to hand her ticket to the gate attendant. He pushes through the throng of people, drawing some annoyed stares, finally making his way over to Kate. JACK (calling out) Kate! Kate turns and sees Jack, a look of puzzlement on her face. JACK (CONTD) You cant go! KATE Jesus, Jack... JACK Dont get on that plane! KATE Jack. JACK Please. Lets just go have a cup of coffee. Thats all Im asking for. Im sure theres another flight to Paris tonight. KATE What do you want from me? You want me to tell you everything that happened was okay? Jack just stands there, unsure... KATE (CONTD) Well it is. Yes, I was heartbroken ...But I got over it. I moved on. People change, Jack. I changed. I dont know why you suddenly feel the need to revisit that time in our lives but I assure you, its over... Kate turns her back to Jack, leaving him standing there... He watches her walk to the podium, realizing shes right... He sees Kate reach the podium...hand her ticket to the attendant... Finally, a look of determination crosses his face... JACK (at Kate) We have a house in Jersey! Kate turns to him with a look that could kill. KATE Dont do this, Jack... But he continues... JACK We have two kids, Annie and Josh... ...Kate looks at him, half-mortified, half- interested... JACK (CONTD) ...Annies not much of a violin player but she tries really hard. Shes a little precocious but thats only because she says whats on her mind. And when she smiles... Jack shakes his head, remembering, fighting back the tears... JACK (CONTD) And Josh...he has your eyes. He doesnt say much but we know hes smart... (lost in the memory) ...hes always got his eyes open, always watching us... sometimes you can look at him and just know that hes learning something new... its like witnessing a miracle... Kates expression has sifted from annoyance to curiosity. JACK (CONTD) ...the house is a mess, but its ours... (chuckling) ...well, after a hundred twenty two more payments it will be... Jack begins walking slowly toward Kate...the world of the airport going on around him, Jack not caring... JACK (CONTD) And you...youre a non- profit lawyer. Thats right, completely non-profit. But that doesnt seem to bother you... Kate raises an eyebrow. Its something shes thought about. JACK (CONTD) And were in love. After thirteen years of marriage were still unbelievably in love... (with a chuckle) You wont even let me touch you until Ive said it... Jack gets closer and closer...Kates spellbound now... imagining the picture Jacks painting... JACK (CONTD) ...I sing to you...not all the time but definitely on special occasions... Jack walks into a piece of carry-on luggage sitting by a row of passengers... JACK (CONTD) (off hand, to passenger) Excuse me... (to Kate) We made a lot of sacrifices, dealt with our share of surprises, but we stayed together... Jacks nearly there... JACK (CONTD) You see, youre a better person than I am... Not in this life, and Kate knows it... JACK (CONTD) ...and it made me a better person to be around you... Kate is perfectly still, Jacks words echoing in her ears. JACK (CONTD) Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and imagined it all. But I swear, nothings ever felt more real to me... Hes right in front of her. She cant take her eyes off him. JACK (CONTD) And if you get on that plane right now, itll disappear forever. Silence. Jack and Kate in their own little world...airport business going on around them... JACK (CONTD) I know we can both go on with our lives. And wed both be fine. But Ive seen what we can be like together...And I choose us... Jacks words resonate in her ears. He gently touches a hand to her arm... JACK (CONTD) Please, Kate, one cup of coffee. You can always go to Paris. Just please, not tonight... She stands there, frozen, staring into Jacks eyes, searching for the answer. KATE Okay, Jack... DISSOLVE TO: 131 INT. AIRPORT - LATE NIGHT Jack and Kate, framed in the window of a nearly empty airport coffee shop...through the window, we see snow falling outside. From a distance we see them...TALKING and LAUGHING over a cup of coffee... FADE OUT.CHAPTER ONE - EARLY HISTORY 1 INT. KENNEDY AIRPORT, PAN AM TERMINAL - NIGHT SUPER: AUTUMN, 1987 A line of PASSENGERS about to board a Pan Am flight to London. JACK CAMPBELL, 22, head full of long unkempt hair, Tom Selleck mustache, the hopeful look of youth in his eyes... sitting next to... KATE REYNOLDS, 21, pretty, Dorothy Hamill haircut... rubbing the tears from her swollen red eyes... KATE I got you a few necessities... Kate hands Jack a new copy of Vonneguts Cats Cradle. KATE (CONTD) Your copy was a mess... Jack accepts the book but hes unable to take his eyes off Kate. She hands him a cassette. KATE (CONTD) Every one of these songs will remind you of me in a slightly different way... JACK All in one tape? KATE I also put side two of London Calling on there... Kate leans over and kisses him passionately on the lips. KATE (CONTD) That was not officially the goodbye kiss. It was just an interim kiss... He looks at her, his eyes welling up. He pulls her close, kissing her deeply. Then... ANNOUNCER (O.S.) This will be the final boarding call for Pan Am flight 4 to London, Heathrow. Jack takes Kates hand, getting up, turning sadly to the gate. KATE You have your ticket? Jack pulls out a BLUE PAN AM TICKET ENVELOPE. Kate nods. They embrace and kiss again. As they separate. JACK Im not even gonna say it, Kate. Maybe itll be like I never left... Jack takes one lastlook at her, then heads for the gate. Kate stands there, watching him go. Then... ...a moment of intuition. Something isnt right. She looks at Jack, about to disappear into the jetway, trying to decide... KATE Wait. Jack turns. Kate approaches him. KATE (CONTD) I have a bad feeling about this. JACK About the plane? What do you think its gonna crash? Dont say that... KATE (shaking her head) I know weve talked about this a thousand times and we both agree that going to London is the right thing to do. But in my heart... this feels wrong. She looks at the gate...the last few passengers are boarding, then back into Jacks eyes. KATE (CONTD) Dont go, Jack... JACK You mean dont go at all? What about my internship? KATE Believe me I know what an incredible opportunity this is for you... JACK For us, Kate. KATE Right, for us. But...Im afraid that if you get on that plane... JACK What? Kate looks at him, pleading with her eyes, but she cant say... KATE (torn) Go. Im sorry, you should just go... JACK (thinking, then...) No, youre right. What are we doing? KATE We're being responsible. Go. Get on the plane. His eyes narrow as he measures her determination... KATE (CONT'D) (a smile) Get the hell outta my sight. You bother me. A laugh from Jack. Kate gives him a calm smile and a nod - it's not entirely convincing but it's enough for Jack. JACK (resolute) Okay, I'm going... He takes her in his arms one last time and hugs her tight. Jack looks toward the gate, the line disappearing...Kate grasps his shirt tightly. KATE I can't seem to let go of you... JACK You hear me complaining about that? A sober look in Jack's eyes. JACK (CONT'D) Look, we're at the airport and no one ever thinks clearly at the airport so we should just trust the decision we already made. You've been accepted to one of the best law schools in the country, I've got this internship at Barclay's Bank. We have a great plan, honey... Kate nods, then, with resolve... KATE You want to do something great, Jack? Let's flush the plan...start our lives right now, today...I don't know what that life's gonna look like but I do know it has both of us in it. And I choose us... Jack is jolted by her words. KATE (CONT'D) The plan doesn't make us great, Jack. What we have together, that's what makes us great. Her words sink in...A long moment of decision...He looks toward the gate, only one person left in line...back to Kate...imploring him with her eyes. Finally...He kisses her deeply on the lips... JACK I love you, Kate... ...a smile from Kate...relief...then... JACK (CONT'D) (taking her face in his hands) ...and a year in London's not gonna change that. A hundred years couldn't change that... Jack gives her one final kiss then walks pensively to the gate, handing the attendant his ticket, not able to look back. Kate watches him go, tears streaming down her face, as the gate door closes behind him. She waits, almost willing it to open again...waiting...waiting...but it doesn't... DISSOLVE TO: 1A EXT. MANHATTAN - ESTABLISHING - DAY The skating rink at Central Park...Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center...the view down Fifth Avenue with Christmas decorations...Park Avenue. 2 EXT. MANHATTAN - EARLY MORNING We close in on a spectacular pre-war doorman building... 3 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS A huge space with gleaming hardwood floors, ornate moldings, and a great view of the Hudson and Jersey behind it... The place looks like a museum display...everything is of the highest quality and meticulously maintained. A wall of photos - Jack and Clinton, Jack with Patrick Ewing, Jack between Alan Greenspan and Henry Kravis. And a "Willie Mays" baseball bat encased in glass... 4 INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ...impeccably decorated and obsessively neat. Close in on the bed where JACK CAMPBELL, now 35, sans mustache and long hair, opens his eyes. A FLASH of bright morning light from the window. Jack shields his eyes, turning his head toward the bathroom where he sees... A WOMAN'S BACK...draped in a towel...an incredible back, neither flabby nor overly toned, beautifully curved...Jack focuses on it a moment. As the woman turns to him... PAULA. Beautiful, late 20s, a toothbrush in her mouth... PAULA (holding up toothbrush) I hope you don't mind. There were like ten new ones in the cabinet. A playful smile from Paula. JACK It's not what you think. I took Mentadent public... Paula smiles, moves over to a chair and grabs a little black dress hanging neatly over it. PAULA Did you really mean what you said about Tuscany? JACK Of course I did. PAULA Last night was great... JACK You are an amazing lover. You should be giving motivational seminars. PAULA Thanks. You're not bad yourself... Jack grabs his Frank Mueller watch from the night stand, puts it on his wrist. He looks at Paula as she slips the dress on. JACK I want to see you again. PAULA I'd like that, too. JACK Tonight. She turns to him. PAULA It's Christmas Eve, Jack. JACK So we'll get egg nog. Paula laughs. PAULA (putting on her shoes) I have to go to my parents' house out in Jersey. Would you like to come? JACK Jersey? You know what the traffic's gonna be like? PAULA I'm taking the train... Paula approaches Jack, leaning over him, her long hair dangling on his chest. PAULA (CONT'D) Don't you have anywhere to go? JACK I've got plenty of places to go. He stays there, confident, sexy, waiting for an answer... PAULA (a sexy laugh, then...) Maybe I can try and sneak away some time tomorrow morning... (kissing him on the lips) Okay? JACK (coy) If it's something you feel strongly about. Paula walks to the door, then turns back to Jack. PAULA It was nice meeting you, Jack... CHAPTER TWO - MAIN TITLES 4A INT. JACKS APARTMENT - MORNING Jack saunters over to a Yamaha Grand Disclavier in the living room. He puts a disk into the piano and... ...the keys come alive with the music of BACH. Jack hits a switch and suddenly the entire apartment is enveloped in music... 4B INT. JACKS BUILDING, CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Paula, waiting for the elevator, hears the MUSIC emanating from Jacks apartment...an intrigued glance back at the apartment door as the elevator arrives... 5 INT. JACKS BATHROOM - MORNING Backs Passion According to St. Matthew is blaring through the speakers, the music is swelling to full orchestra... Jacks at the mirror in this incredibly neat marble- tiled bathroom, shaving with a silver-plated Hammacher Schlemmer razor, HUMMING with the orchestra... 6 INT. JACKS CLOSET - MORNING ...the size of a small house, a long row of Zegna suits, shoe trees stacked with Italian shoes, tailored shirts everywhere. Jacks still HUMMING to the music as he dresses in front of a mirror. 7 INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING Jack, wearing an elegant camels hair overcoat and carrying a leather briefcase, a Master of the Universe smile on his face, now HUMMING the Bach piece from memory... The doors open at 6. Jack self-consciously stops singing as ELIZABETH PETERSON, 60s, wearing a mink coat, gets on the elevator carrying a yappy little dog. JACK (a charming smile) Mrs. Peterson. MRS. PETERSON Hello Jack. You dont have to stop singing on my account... JACK Its because Im shy, Betty. So, when are you going to leave that old corpse Mr. Peterson and run away with me? MRS. PETERSON You know you could never satisfy me the way he does... The doors open to the lobby. Mrs. Peterson walks out ahead. 8 INT. JACKS BUILDING, LOBBY - MORNING TONY THE DOORMAN holds the door open for Jack and Mrs. Peterson... TONY THE DOORMAN Merry Christmas, Mr. Campbell. JACK Howd you do this year, Tony? TONY THE DOORMAN About four grand. And a bottle of twenty five year old scotch from Mrs. Johnson in 9D. Im putting it all in commercial paper like you said. JACK Just until the Deutsche Mark turns... Jack exits the building... 9 OMITTED 9A EXT. CENTRAL PARK - MORNING Jacks Ferrari racing through the park... 10 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - MORNING A modern Wall Street building. The sign above the glass doors reads, P.K. Lassiter and Associates, Investment House. The Ferrari SCREECHES to a halt. Jack gets out, heads into the building... 10A INT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS ...Jack throws his keys to a nearby SECURITY GUARD with a smile on his way to the elevators... CHAPTER THREE - JACK THE BUSINESSMAN DISSOLVE TO: 11 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The Manhattan skyline shines through the windows of this beautiful conference room. SIX EXECUTIVES are seated at a huge oak table littered with coffee cups and lunch waste. At the end of the table, ALAN MINTZ, 30s, balding, sits with a faraway look in his eyes, three empty Diet Coke cans in front of him. Mintz is poking at a shiny gold cherub dangling from a small, plastic Christmas tree, sitting in the middle of the table. Jack is addressing the group from the front of the room, standing in front of a computer with a huge flat screen monitor, covered with stock charts and tables... JACK ...if MedTech's shares sink any lower than... (casually executing a keystroke) ...forty three, we're in trouble with the stock valuation. So for god's sake watch what you say to your institutional customers... Jack notices Alan Mintz playing with the cherub. JACK (CONT'D) ...we still have almost a full day of trading before zero hour and I don't want any trouble... (distracted by Mintz) ...penny for your thoughts, Alan... Alan looks up. ALAN Sorry, Jack. I told Dee and the kids I'd be home by dinner. You know, it being Christmas Eve and all. JACK Is that tonight? A LAUGH from the group. Jack approaches Alan. JACK (CONT'D) You think I like being here on Christmas Eve, Alan? ALAN I don't know. Maybe... Another LAUGH. Even Jack lets out a good-natured chuckle. JACK Okay, maybe I do have a touch of tunnel vision this holiday season. But in two days we're going to announce one of the largest mergers in U.S. corporate history. Thirty billion dollars... (basking in the glory) When this kind of deal turns up you get on and you ride it `till it's over. You don't ask it for a vacation... A chuckle from the group...the esprit de corps seems to energize Jack. JACK (CONT'D) (to the group) December 26th. After that there'll be so much money floating around here it'll be like Christmas every day... (smiling) December 26th, people. If you'd like to celebrate that day, you all have my blessing... Enthusiastic nods and words of agreement from the suits around the table... ALAN You're right, Jack. Sorry... Jack approaches Alan. JACK I don't want you to be sorry, Alan, I want you to be excited. I want my gift to be the first one you open this year. You know why? ALAN Why Jack? JACK Because my gift comes with ten zeroes at the end... A MURMUR of excitement in the room, even Alan cracks a smile. Jack puts a hand on Alan's shoulder. JACK (CONT'D) Good man... 12 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - NIGHT The conference room door opens and the SIX ENERGIZED SUITS emerge, each met by an ASSISTANT handing them messages. Jack is the last one out. He's met in stride by ADELLE, 50s, carrying a Filofax and a pile of phone messages. ADELLE Only eight thirty? What's the matter, had some last minute shopping to do? Jack pops a peppermint Lifesaver in his mouth as Adelle hands him his messages. JACK You too? This holiday's about giving, Adelle. And I'm giving everything I've got to this deal, so in a way, I'm more Christmassy than anyone... (holding out the candy) Lifesaver? ADELLE (ignoring the candy) You're a ray of sunshine, Jack. They approach an office, the words, "Jack Campbell - President" stenciled on the glass... 13 INT. JACK'S OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ...continuing past Adelle's desk, Jack looking at his messages, and into Jack's office... 14 INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS A cavernous office, you could land a helicopter in it - high tech fixtures, full bar, leather sofa, $3,000 Stairmaster... Jack walks to an enormous, bare mahogany desk, and sits down in a high tech ergonomic leather chair. ADELLE Oh, and Oxxford called... JACK Ooh, my suits are ready... He gets to the last message, sees the name on it, and reels back. JACK (CONT'D) Kate Reynolds... ADELLE Her assistant said you could call her at home after eight. Jack stares at the message like he's looking at a ghost. JACK Her assistant? ADELLE Yeah Jack, her assistant... JACK (lost in the message) Kate Reynolds was my girlfriend in college. I almost married her... ADELLE (a hearty LAUGH) You? Married? JACK (snapping out of it) Almost married. And almost a junior broker at E.F. Hutton... ADELLE Excuse me? JACK She didn't want me to go to London. We're standing at the airport saying goodbye and she asks me to stay. ADELLE So you left her? Just like that? JACK God, no. I thought about it for practically the entire flight... ADELLE Stop Jack, I'm getting all weepy. JACK I took the road less traveled, Adelle. ADELLE And look where it's led you... (picking up the phone) I'm gonna get her on the phone... Jack pauses, focused on the message, his mind drifting back... Adelle begins dialing the number. Finally, Jack reaches out and hangs up the phone. JACK No... ADELLE No?! You almost married this woman. Aren't you even curious what she wants? JACK She's probably just having a fit of nostalgia. You know, lonely Christmas Eve, call the one that got away, that kind of thing. Adelle rolls her eyes at him. JACK (CONT'D) I'm telling you, it's ancient history... Jack looks up as PETER LASSITER, 60s, founder and chairman of P.K. Lassiter and Associates, saunters into the room. LASSITER Eight forty-five on Christmas Eve and Jack Campbell is still at his desk. There's a Hallmark moment for you... Lassiter heads to the bar like he's done it a million times. JACK Peter. I don't see you rushing home to trim the tree. LASSITER (pouring himself a scotch) That's because I'm a heartless bastard who only cares about money. JACK And God love you for it. Lassiter drops down in a soft leather chair opposite Jack. LASSITER (sipping the scotch) I just got a call from Terry Haight. Bob Thomas is nervous... JACK That'll happen when you're about to spend thirty billion dollars on some aspirin... LASSITER Someone's gonna have to nurse him through this. JACK Why are you staring at my breasts, Peter? LASSITER I need you, tiger.. JACK Where is he? LASSITER Aspen. Jack pauses for a beat. JACK (to Adelle) Call Aunt Irma. Tell her I won't be able to make it tomorrow... Adelle rolls her eyes at him... LASSITER You're a credit to capitalism, Jack. Jack glances at Adelle, then looks back at Lassiter. JACK Hey Peter, lemme ask you a question. An old girlfriend calls you out of the blue on Christmas Eve... LASSITER You suddenly having trouble getting dates? JACK Not by a long shot. LASSITER Then leave it in the past. Old flames are like old tax returns. You keep `em in the file cabinet for three years and then you cut `em loose. Jack shoots Adelle a satisfied smile, crumpling up Kate's message and tossing a perfect hook into a N.Y. Knicks hoop. JACK (to Adelle) I'll leave from the office tomorrow afternoon. Call the group. Schedule an emergency strategy session for noon. ADELLE That'll be a nice little holiday treat. 15 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - NIGHT A single light remains on in the building. 16 INT. JACK'S OFFICE - SAME TIME Jack is alone in the office working on his computer, checking spreadsheets on a large flat screen monitor. Jack leans back in his chair rubbing his eyes. He checks his watch. It's past eleven. He gets up, goes to the window, sees the city in all its Christmas glory, then he see it... ...the message from Kate, crumpled in the trashcan...then turns back to the window, gazing out at the night... 17 INT. LASSITER BUILDING - NIGHT Jack comes out of the elevator, walking past the lobby desk where FRANK, a security guard, sits watching the monitors. FRANK Mr. Campbell. Why didn't you call down, I would've had Joe get your ride. Jack looks outside the front door to the snowy, quiet street. JACK I'm thinking I might walk tonight, Frank. FRANK Nice night for it. I'll have Louis send your car home. A nod from Jack. FRANK (CONT'D) Merry Christmas to you, sir... JACK Thanks. To you too... Jack puts on a pair of soft leather gloves and heads out into the crisp night air... 18 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINOUS Jack emerges from the building, walking across the large plaza, past the fountain...snow begins to fall... 19 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - A LITTLE LATER Jack's walking down the nearly empty street, snow falling down on him, a bounce in his step, looking at the windows of the closed shops along the way. He gets to the end of the block spots the Wong Brothers' 24 Hour Deli across the street... He heads toward it... 20 INT. WONG BROTHERS' DELI - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the brightly lit deli... SAM WONG, 20s, is with his 80-year-old GRANDFATHER behind the counter. There's a NERDY COLLEGE KID at the salad bar, a drunken DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA at the liquor display, a WOMAN with a BABY in an aisle and... ...a BLACK MAN, 30s, with a dollar sign and the name "CASH" tattooed on his arm, stands in front of the coffee machine... CASH Oh yeah...yeah, yee-ah! She's a certified winner...paper- thin but good as gold... Jack notices Cash talking to himself, seemingly crazy. Jack approaches Sam Wong at the counter. JACK Egg nog? SAM WONG (pointing) Dairy case. Five dollar. CASH (in the b.g., to Sam Wong) Y'all do the lotto here...? `Cause I got me a winner...I know, I know, Lotto keeps the black man down... but not me... Jack grabs a carton of egg nog, then notices Cash handing Sam Wong his ticket. Jack heads back toward the counter... CASH (CONT'D) ...06...14...18...48...right there. Four numbers...that's two hundred and thirty eight dollar... (a smile) Merry Christmas and shit... SAM WONG (barely looking at ticket) Ticket bad. You draw in lines with pencil. CASH What're you talkin' about? SAM WONG (throwing the ticket back) You draw lines with pencil! I know about this! The woman with the baby looks over...the college kid looks up, nervous...the drunken Santa, bottle of bourbon in hand, starts to walk by Jack...Jack instinctively puts an arm out, holding the Santa back... CASH What!? Look at the ticket...! SAM WONG Get out, I call 911. The Santa looks at Jack, confused. CASH You're lookin' at me, you're not even lookin' at the ticket! The woman with the baby puts a loaf of bread back on the shelf, starts nervously inching toward the door. SAM WONG You leave now. Take ticket somewhere else. (calling out) Next customer in line...! CASH You first generation, xenophobic, money-theistic, hot pastrami sandwich making... SAM WONG (screaming) Get out! Just watching...Cash shoves the ticket in Sam Wong's face... CASH LOOK AT THE GODDAMN TICKET!! A moment of decision for Jack. Then... JACK (carefully) Let me see that ticket. Cash turns to Jack. CASH (menacing) Was I talkin' to you?! Jack looks at the woman, the college kid, the Santa, then... JACK Maybe I'll buy it from you. Now Cash walks over to Jack... CASH Guy in $2,000 suit gets ass kicked tryin' to be a hero. Film at eleven... (then...turning to the coffee machine) What?! Oh no, not another lookie-loo. You know how big a job this is? The patrons exchange nervous glances...Jack watches, confused. CASH (CONT'D) You're double bookin' me! You're gonna get double billed! Shit! Cash throws a bottle of Perrier against the wall, it SHATTERS. The woman reels back in terror with the baby... JACK Hey, c'mon... In a flash, Cash whips a .38 from the back of his pants, aiming it at Jack's face. The woman SCREAMS, covers her baby. CASH (in Jack's face) Do you want to die? Jack stares at Cash, trying his best to keep his cool... CASH (CONT'D) DO YOU WANNA DIE?! JACK No. CASH (a smile) Yes you do... JACK Look, I'm talking about a business deal here. I buy the ticket for two hundred, take it to a store where the guy behind the counter... (glaring at Sam Wong) ...doesn't have a death wish (back to Cash) ...I just made myself a quick thirty eight dollars. Cash gets closer... JACK (CONT'D) Like I said, it's a business deal... CASH Damn, you are the real thing... Cash narrows his eyes...then, a smile as he puts the gun back into his pants... CASH (CONT'D) C'mon, Jack, let's get outta here... (to Sam Wong) You were lookin' at me, papa, you shoulda been lookin' at the ticket. That ticket was legit, B. You're fake... Cash starts out of the deli. Jack follows... 21 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - MINUTES LATER Jack and Cash walking down the street...Jack, holding his carton of egg nog under his arm, counting out two hundred dollars... JACK How'd you know my name was Jack? CASH I call all you white guys "Jack." Jack nods... CASH (CONT'D) You know you seem pretty relaxed for a guy who just had a gun pulled on him. JACK There's no way I was gonna die in that deli... (off Cash's look) Let's just say I've been on a lucky streak lately. CASH (a big LAUGH) A lucky streak, huh? Jack hands him the money. CASH (CONT'D) Sound pretty sure of yourself, don't you? Jack nods. CASH (CONT'D) So you're telling me, you've got a gun to your head and you don't think for one second, what if this, what if that, maybe I shouldn't do this, I shoulda done that. JACK I don't do that. That's just not for me... Cash looks at him, then smiles. CASH Okay, Jack. Nice doing business with you... Cash is about to take off... JACK Hey... Cash turns around. JACK (CONT'D) What do you want to carry that gun around for, anyway? You're just gonna do something you'll regret... CASH You want to talk about regrets, you're talking to the wrong person. Jack casually takes the egg nog out of the bag, opens the carton... JACK I'm just saying that you seem like a smart guy. At a certain point you're gonna do something, and then there's no turning back... CASH Yeah, in most cases that'd be true. Jack takes a sip of the egg nog. JACK I mean there must be programs out there, opportunities... CASH (a deep laugh) Wait a minute, wait a minute... you're tryin' to save me? A look from Jack... CASH (CONT'D) Oh man, you're serious... (out to the street) This man thinks I need to be saved! JACK Everyone needs something. Cash looks at Jack... CASH Yeah? What do you need? JACK Me? CASH You just said everyone needs something. JACK I've got everything I need. CASH Wow. It must be great being you. You got it all. Cash looks at Jack. He smiles and shakes his head. JACK Look, I'm not saying you'd be able to do it without some hard work... CASH (a hearty LAUGH) You still think this is about me, don't you? JACK Sure it's about you. But it's about society, too. CASH Oh man, I'm gonna enjoy this one... Just remember, Jack, you did this. You brought this on yourself... And with that, Cash turns and leaves Jack alone on the street with his egg nog... 22 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT Jack walks in and throws his keys on a table. He takes off his gloves and overcoat, glances at the mail, then heads into the bedroom. Through the large windows we see snow falling... 23 INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack, flat on his back in bed, fast asleep... CHAPTER FOUR - A DIFFERENT LIFE DISSOLVE TO: 24 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING Close in on Jacks face, bathed in morning light...he opens his eyes...feels something strange... Jack looks down...theres a womans head resting on his chest. A look of confusion crosses his face...trying to remember... did he meet a woman last night...? He turns his head to find a large MUTT sitting faithfully beside the bed, wagging his tail... ...did she have a dog? He looks down at the woman again, craning his neck to get a look at her face. And then he sees her... ...KATE REYNOLDS... ...now 34 and even more beautiful, a look of utter contentment on her radiant face, sleeping soundly... His head darts around the room - its cramped and lived in, clothes and toys are strewn about, family photos on the dresser, Laura Ashley curtains, a tiny poster bed and a charming little bay window. He instinctively reaches for his Franck Mueller watch on the night stand, but its not there. Its a Timex Indiglo and it reads, 7:57 A.M... Jack looks back at Kate...he rubs his eyes...maybe its a dream...but nothing changes. Then, Kate stirs... KATE Mmmm...ten more minutes, Jack... its Christmas... Jack jumps as he hears Kate talk for the first time... Suddenly, the door bursts open...A SIX YEAR OLD GIRL, ANNIE, in a little nightgown, walks into the room carrying an 18 MONTH OLD BOY, JOSH, SINGING at the top of her lungs... ANNIE Jingle bells, Santa s mells, Rudolph laid an egg...la la la, la-la la la, la la la la la... Annie places Josh on the bed and then jumps up herself. She gestures to the dog, patting the bed. ANNIE (CONTD) You too, Luce... The dog faithfully jumps on the tiny bed, joining everybody else and leaving very little room. Annie starts jumping. ANNIE (CONTD) Rise...and...shine...! KATE (stirring) Youre jumping, sweetheart... Jack looks at this activity like a man at his own funeral. ANNIE Mom, dont you think we need to open the presents? KATE (groggy) Mommy needs five more minutes in la la land. That could be her present... Josh crawls directly up to Jacks stomach, climbing on. ANNIE Cmon, Dad. Get up! She said Dad. Thats it. Jack moves the baby gingerly over, then gets out of bed, stumbling over a baseball bat lying next to it. He picks up the bat...the same Willie Mays autograph bat that was encased in glass in his N.Y. apartment. Frightened, Jack drops the bad, looking down at himself for the first time...hes naked... ...a mortified look on his face as he sees the kids on the bed... ...he quickly grabs a pair of sweat pants and a yellow cardigan off the chair and throws them on... Kate, still half asleep, reaches out her hand. KATE Jack...? Jack turns by instinct. Kate grabs him, drawing him near. A look of fear on his face as Kate opens her eyes... Eye contact...Jacks certain hes about to hear her scream... KATE (CONTD) (still groggy) Strong coffee, okay? She lets him go as Jack backs out the door... 25 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE LIVING ROOM - SECONDS LATER A garishly decorated Christmas tree sits in the middle of this messy and disorganized living room, a bevy of gifts underneath and four red stockings over the fireplace. Jack darts to the top of the steps... KATE (O.S.) (calling from the bedroom) Use an entire can if you have to! He looks back at the bedroom, then at the stairs...quickly heading down the CREAKY steps, still in shock. He grabs an overcoat from a hook by the front door...about to step out when he looks down and realizes... ...hes barefoot. He glances at a pair of rubber over- boots sitting by the door, slips them on, just about to leave when... He hears the sound of a KEY TURNING in the door lock...Jack looks at the door, not quite sure what to do... The door opens...into the house, arms laden with wrapped gifts, walk BIG ED and LORRAINE REYNOLDS (both 60s), Kates parents. Big Eds wearing a ten gallon hat and a suede overcoat. Lorraine has a cigarette dangling from her mouth. JACK (drawing on a memory) Ed? Lorraine? Big Ed hugs Jack as best he can with an armful of gifts. BIG ED Jack you ol bird dog. Merry Christmas to ya... Lorraine plants a big fat kiss on Jacks cheek. LORRAINE Talk to him, Jack. Please. One day a year away from the Ponderosa. I dont think thats too much to ask. BIG ED I heard that. This is who I am, woman! (a wink to Jack) Tell her, Jack! Youre the only one who gets me, for gods sake! Jack, still holding the door open, plotting his escape. LORRAINE I need some egg nog... BIG ED Course you do. Hell, its almost 8 a.m. (shouting upstairs) Where are my two lil pardners? Annie! Josh! Giddy up, Bid Eds here! JACK Excuse me. Jack dashes out the door. LORRAINE Where are you going, Jack? (to Big Ed) Wheres he going? BIG ED Damned if I know... They start to remove their coats, when... The door flies back open... JACK Wheres my car?! Wheres my Ferrari!? BIG ED What the hell are you talking about? (to Lorraine) Whats he talking about? JACK Look, can I just borrow your car?! I promise itll be returned! BIG ED The Caddy? Why dont you take your own damn car! LORRAINE Oh just let him borrow your precious Cadillac, for gods sake. Jack spots a set of keys hanging on a hook. BIG ED Hes got a perfectly good mini-van sitting out there in the driveway! Jack grabs the keys off the hook...darts back outside... 26 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Jack emerges from this charming, suburban two-story house, some tasteful Christmas lights decorating a tree in the center of the snow-covered lawn... He races to a blue Dodge mini-van sitting in the driveway, a My Ferrari Is In The Shop sticker on the rear bumper. He climbs into the mini-van and peels out of the driveway... 27 INT. MINI-VAN - SECONDS LATER Jack sees a sign, George Washington Bridge - 3 miles... 28 INT. MINI-VAN - MINUTES LATER Jack driving over the bridge. A sigh of relief as he passes under a sign for Manhattan. 29 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - EARLY MORNING The mini-van pulls up near Jacks apartment building. Jack, still wearing pajamas under the coat, leaps out, running toward the grand entrance where Tony stands sternly in front. JACK Tony, thank god... Jack starts to walk past but Tony blocks the way. TONY THE DOORMAN Sorry, pal. Entrance is for residents and guests only... JACK What are you talking about? Its me, Jack Campbell. Penthouse C. I put you into commercial paper! TONY THE DOORMAN (not moving) Uh-huh... Just then, Mrs. Peterson walks to the door with her little DOG. Tony opens the door for her... JACK Elizabeth Peterson! The little dog starts BARKING ferociously at Jack. MRS. PETERSON (to Tony re: Jack, annoyed) Who is this man? Tony shrugs his shoulders. JACK You know me, Betty. You do. Jack Campbell. Were on the co-op board together. We fought side by side for garbage disposals. Every morning we exchange quasi-sexual witty banter. Think... She looks at Jack with a raised eyebrow, the dog still YAPPING. TONY THE DOORMAN (to Mrs. Peterson) Should I call the cops? Im gonna call the cops... Jack pleads to her with his eyes. MRS. PETERSON (raising a hand to Tony) No... JACK (a sigh of relief) Thank you, Betty. I know if I can just sleep this off, Ill be fine... MRS. PETERSON And sleep you shall. Noblesse oblige is not dead. Not yet anyway...Come, lets get you some help. Surely there must be a shelter somewhere in this city. JACK A shelter?! Im the richest guy in the building...Ive got twice the square footage you have! Mrs. Peterson shakes her head at him, a look of pity on her face. Frustrated, Jack turns and runs back to the mini-van... CUT TO: 30 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - MINUTES LATER Jack pulls up across the street and gets out of the van. Running across the empty plaza toward the building entrance... 31 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Jack bursts through the door, approaching the lobby desk where FRANK the security guard sits. Frank spots Jack and blocks his way. FRANK Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold it right there... JACK Frank. Wheres Alan Mintz? Is he here yet? FRANK Mr. Mintz? (a knowing chuckle) I dont think so...buildings closed pal. Youll have to come back tomorrow. JACK Look, I dont know whats going on here but I am Senior Vice President of this company. FRANK I dont care who you are. Its Christmas and like I told you the building is closed. JACK Maybe youre not hearing me. I am Jack Campbell... (approaching the building directory) Right here. Jack Campbell, President... And then he sees it...ALAN MINTZ - PRESIDENT, listed plain as day on the building director... Jack looks at Frank, then back to the building directory... A pitying look from Frank...Jack stands there, in shock... CHAPTER FIVE - WHATS HAPPENING? 32 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING, PLAZA - MOMENTS LATER ...its desolate... Jack walks through the plaza like a zombie, his face registering nothing. He crosses the street, moving toward the mini-van...oblivious...when... SCREECH...a Ferrari 456M stops within inches of Jacks torso...a VOICE from the car... VOICE (O.S.) Hey! Watch where youre walking! Jack turns...sees the DRIVER low in the seat...cant quite make out the face... VOICE You almost dented my two hundred thousand dollar car! Jack...still stunned...looks at the car, very familiar...the voice of the driver, also familiar... VOICE (CONTD) Thats right! My new cars worth more than your shitty house! A look of realization on Jacks face... VOICE (CONTD) I feel like I really did win the lottery! ...its Cash, and hes in Jacks car... Jack moves over to the passenger window in shock...a smile from Cash... CASH Miss me, Jack? JACK Thats my car! You stole my car! CASH Its a callable asset seized in accordance with the acquisition by-laws of your alt-fate contract... JACK What?! CASH Basically, its my car now. Get in. Cash reaches over and opens the door. Jack hesitates... CASH (CONTD) Look, I dont make the rules, Jack. This is how it works. Get in. Cash gives him a reassuring look. Jack gets in... 33 INT. FERRARI - CONTINUOUS Jack closes the door...Cash joyfully drives off in a burst of acceleration...Jack practically ends up in the back seat... CASH Might wanna fasten your seat belt, Jack... JACK (recovering) What the hell is happening to me?! Jacks freaking out and Cash is enjoying every minute of it. Cash hands Jack a paper bag. Jack starts breathing into the bag. CASH This kinda thing makes a lotta guys throw up. Seen it happen. So if you get the urge, do it out the window. (with a taunting laugh) I dont want you marring this exquisite leather interior... Cash looks over at Jack...hes really losing it, sobbing into the bag...almost hyperventilating...Cash smiles... CASH (CONTD) Look, I dont know what youre getting so worked up about, you did this...you brought this on yourself. JACK Brought what on myself?! I didnt do anything! CASH No? Cmon, Jack...Ive got everything I need, I dont have regrets, thats just not for me... sound familiar? JACK You mean because you thought I was cocky Im now on a permanent acid trip?!! Cash gets a laugh out of Jacks overreaction... CASH Everyone else in that store is a statue, they see their lives passing in front of their eyes, but not you. Youre making a business deal... JACK (enraged) Give me my goddamn life back! CASH You? What about me? Im working hard for you here, Jack. On Christmas too! Now you did a good thing last night, intervening that way. I was moved... JACK (interrupting) Please. Just tell me whats happening to me. In plain English. None of that mumbo jumbo... Cash turns to Jack. CASH Its a glimpse, Jacko. JACK I glimpse? A glimpse of what!? What glimpse?! Glimpse! CASH Look, eventually, everybody gets one...some of em take a couple seconds... (looking at Jack) ...some of em take a lot longer... JACK I asked you a direct question! A glimpse of what?! A look from Cash. CASH Figure it out. You got plenty of time. JACK How much time?! CASH As long as it takes to figure it out. Which, in your case, could be considerable. JACK Look, I just want my life back. Now whats it gonna take? You wanna talk turkey? Lets talk turkey! How much money...? Cash looks at Jack, relishing the moment. He flashes Jack a smile. CASH Do I look like I need your money. It doesnt work like that and I cant tell you why. JACK Why not? CASH Because you got to figure it out for yourself. (beat) Are you listening to me? JACK Figure it out? Figure what out?! Cash just stares at him... JACK (CONTD) Thats it? Thats all I get?! A glare?! CASH Look Jack, in my experience the best way people deal with this is to just relax and breathe through it...let it come to you. Jack faces Cash, simmering...with frustration. JACK Look, I dont have time for this right now. Im in the middle of a deal... CASH Oh youre working on a new deal now...did I mention that? JACK You know what? Ive had it with you. Ive had it with all of this shit... SCREECH...Cash slams on the brakes...practically sending Jack through the windshield. Jack recovers, looks up...the car is parked right next to the mini-van. Cash pulls out a small plastic bag, holding it out to Jack... CASH Here... Jack looks inside the bag, pulls out a BARBIE BICYCLE BELL. He looks at it curiously. JACK Whats this, a signal? Will you come whenever I ring it? CASH Do I look like I live in a bottle? Cash reaches across Jack and opens the door. JACK (lost) But what do I do? CASH Look Jack Im late. Id love to help you out some more but I gotta go handle my business... (gesturing to the mini-van) Happy trails. Jack looks out to the lonely street outside, then back to Cash. JACK Hey, you did this to me, you cant just leave me like this. Cash looks at Jack, the desperation on his face. CASH Fine. You want to know everything, Ill tell you everything. But not here. Lets get some air... Jacks still a little unsure...he sees Cash open the driver side door... JACK (relieved) Thanks, man... Jack gets out of the car...and before he can even turn around, Cashs door SLAMS shut and the car takes off in a blast of horsepower... Jack stands there gazing down the street, listening to the sound of the Ferrari shifting gears, disappearing... The wind whips up...shivering, Jack looks toward the Lassiter Building, then to the plastic bag in his hand, and finally to the mini-van. 34 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE MORNING The blue mini-van snakes through the curved streets of the neighborhood, almost all the houses decorated for Christmas. 35 INT. MINI-VAN - SAME TIME Jacks trying to find the house, a map unfolded on the steering wheel and the cars registration in his hand... He spots ARNIE BENDER, late 30s, carrying an empty science kit box to the trash. His wife, JEANNIE, also late 30s, is getting in a Ford Taurus wagon, a bowl of fruit in hand... Jack pulls up to the curb near Arnie, rolling down the window. JACK Excuse me. Do you know where Merrison Street is? Arnie looks up and sees Jack in the van. ARNIE (turning to his wife) Jeannie! I found Jack! 36 INT. BENDER HOUSE, DEN - A LITTLE LATER Jack follows Arnie into the den of this garishly decorated suburban home, Arnies arm around his shoulder. ARNIE You look terrible... Jack takes in the decor its a male leisure time fantasy old pinball machine, wide screen TV, dart board, and kitschy 50s style bamboo bar... ARNIE (CONTD) Truth is I expected you. Kate called before and asked if I knew where you were. Arnie notices Jacks fascination with the room... ARNIE (CONTD) I know, I moved the Barca-lounger into the corner. Its throwin everybody off. What do you think? JACK (with a nod) Great room... A satisfied smile from Arnie, Jacks approval means something to him. ARNIE You and me, buddy. We know how to live... Arnie shepherds Jack onto a bar stool and pours a drink out of a bamboo bottle holder. ARNIE (CONTD) So Jack, you okay? Jack doesnt respond, his eyes drawn to a softball team photo on the bar...Jack and Arnie kissing a huge trophy with the caption, Plainfield, N.J. Softball League Champs, 1994. ARNIE (CONTD) I mean you leave the house on Christmas morning, you dont tell anyone where youre going... Jack looks over from the photo to Arnie... JACK Were friends, arent we? ARNIE Maybe I dont say it enough but you moving in next door to me... Arnie makes a fist and gestures to his heart. Jack nods. ARNIE (CONTD) Talk to me... A moment of decision for Jack as Arnie stands there, open eyed, ready to listen. JACK Im having kind of a bad day. ARNIE (nodding) I read somewhere that the suicide rate doubles during the holidays... A raised eyebrow from Jack. ARNIE (CONTD) (to himself) What am I saying? You dont need to hear that... (back to Jack) All I meant was a lot of people have a hard time dealing with all the forced reverie, thats all. Is that you? JACK Is it...? ARNIE Trouble at work? JACK I dont think so. ARNIE Its not Kate, is it? Jack pauses at the mention of Kate. Arnies eyes widen... ARNIE (CONTD) (proudly) You see, its like were in each others heads... JACK Kates my wife... Jack looks at Arnie as if hes seeking confirmation. ARNIE (a playful smile) Just keep saying it, Jack, like a mantra. Arnie comes out from behind the bar, taking Jack by the arm. ARNIE (CONTD) Cmon, I better walk ya home. Shes mad enough as it is, right...? 37 EXT. ARNIES YARD - SECONDS LATER Arnie walks Jack through his backyard... ARNIE Look, you fit the profile exactly. Thirties, house, kids, financial responsibilities. You start thinking...this isnt the life I dreamt about. Wheres the romance, wheres the joie de vivre? Suddenly, every lingerie ad in the Newark Star Ledger represents a life you cant have... JACK (thinking, then...) Its just two kids, right? A chuckle from Arnie. ARNIE You made a choice, Jack, a promise to your wife. Maybe sometimes it seems like you gave up the world, but look what you got... They arrive at...the backyard of the Campbell house... cluttered with a swing set, a dog run with chewed up lawn, and a wooden sun deck in the process of being built... ARNIE (CONTD) Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, and a partially finished basement... Jack trips over a wayward BIG WHEEL. ARNIE (CONTD) (shaking his head) Kids... Arnie leads Jack toward the house. ARNIE (CONTD) Okay look, you probably dont want to hear this right now but remember what you told me last summer when I almost had that thing with Arnie Jr.s speech therapist. A blank stare from Jack as they arrive at the sliding glass door...Arnie faces Jack squarely, grabbing his shoulders and looking him in the eye. ARNIE (CONTD) Dont screw up the best thing in your life just because youre a little unsure about who you are. Okay? Arnie gives Jack a comforting smie... ARNIE (CONTD) God, it feels so good to finally give something back to you... Arnie turns Jack toward the door and slides it open. ARNIE (CONTD) Im gonna hug you now... Arnie gives Jack a gentle hug...then gives him a little push toward the door... 38 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, DEN - CONTINUOUS Jack steps inside. He turns back to the door but Arnies gone. Then, Kate enters the room, holding a portable phone... KATE (into phone) Hold on a second... She cups the receiver. Jack looks at her, shes dressed now, nothing fancy but she looks great. JACK You cut your hair... A curious look from Kate. KATE Ten years ago... Kate just stands there looking at Jack, giving away nothing. KATE (CONTD) Are you okay? JACK Yeah...fine. She gives him a resolute nod, then... KATE (into phone) Never mind, he just walked in... Jack grimaces as she resolutely hangs up the phone then stares him down angrily. KATE (CONTD) Do you have any idea what you put us through today?! You walk out of here at 7:30 in the morning, dont tell me where youre going, or even that youre going, and I dont see you til hours later. I had state troopers looking for you! I called hospitals... (pointing at the phone) ...I was just on the phone with the morgue for gods sake! Jack watches her vent, the frustration on his face building. KATE (CONTD) What kind of man leaves his family on Christmas morning without a word about where hes going? Jacks almost to a breaking po INT. KATE (CONTD) What kind of man does that!? JACK (jumping in) I dont know! Please stop yelling at me! She looks at him curiously. KATE Where were you? JACK I was in the city. KATE The city? New York City? Why? JACK Because thats where I live. KATE Jack...dont even start... JACK Look, you dont understand. I woke up here...and this is very strange ...this is not my house... A raised eyebrow from Kate. Jack moves around the room... JACK (CONTD) (pointing upstairs) Im not Dad.... Kate, youre not my wife... Kate looks him over, assessing, then... KATE You know what, Jack? Its not funny this time. Im really angry. She stares him down, expecting an answer. But he has no answer. KATE (CONTD) (loudly) Jack! Jack takes the bell out of the plastic bag that Cash gave him, holds it up in front of her and starts RINGING it furiously. Then...Annie rides into the room on her new bike. ANNIE (re: bell) Whats that? Jack watches as she pedals over, reaches into his hand and takes the bicycle bell... ANNIE (CONTD) (examining the bell) I like this... (jumping up and giving hima peck on the cheek) ...thanks, Dad! Annie rides excitedly out of the room on her bike. Leaving Jack and Kate alone again... KATE You missed the whole thing, Jack. The pancakes, the presents...you spent six hours putting that bike together and you didnt even get to see the look on Annies face when she opened it... Jack sees the disappointment on her face... KATE (CONTD) You missed Christmas, Jack. Jack looks down, almost ashamed...he relents, giving in to the moment... JACK Im...Im sorry. Kate looks at him. He seems sincere enough... KATE Look, we dont have time for this right now, well talk about it later. Now get dressed... (pointing to his outfit) Youre not wearing that to the Thompsons party. I dont care how hilarious you think it is... JACK Party? Oh no, I cant go to a party... KATE You look forward to this party all year. Whats with you today? JACK Trust me on this Kate. I really dont think going to a party is the right move for me at the present time. Kate looks at him a moment, then shakes her head. KATE Fine. Do whatever you want. She picks up the phone, starts dialing... JACK What are you doing? KATE Telling my mother she doesnt have to stay with the kids. JACK Why not? KATE Because youll be here. Kate just looks at him. JACK Ill be ready in ten minutes. He walks past her...toward a hallway door, Kate watching him... He opens the door...its a closet. JACK (CONTD) Christ... (turning around) Where the hell is the bathroom? KATE Funny, Jack. Im laughing on the inside. 39 INT. BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER The light comes on... Jack walks in, looks in the mirror, determined to collect himself...but somethings not right... He glances around...the bathroom is small and its cluttered with Kates razors, loofah, skin creams... ...none of this stuff is his... ...he looks in the mirror again, his face revealing a forlorn sense of displacement... ...he stares at himself until...he starts to lose it... anger, confusion...sadness...finally, he begins breaking down... After a moment, he turns on the water, rinsing his face... 40 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, BEDROOM CLOSET - MINUTES LATER Jack at the closet door, looking at a row of Hagar slacks, Docker sport coats and imitation leather shoes... He reaches in and touches the fabric on one of the sport coats. JACK This is just... (searching for the words) ...this is sub-par... Annie appears at the bedroom door, watching Jack at the closet. He turns...sees Annie watching him...a look exchanged... then, Annie runs away... Jack turns back to the closet and mournfully takes a pair of the slacks... 41 EXT. THOMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT Jack and Kate, a casserole dish in her hand, walk up the path to this tacky but large house, its outside decorated with the most garish display of Christmas decorations this side of Pasaic. Kate RINGS the doorbell... EVELYN THOMPSON, 30s, wearing a dress thats a bit too tight and a bit too low cut, opens the door... EVELYN Kate! Jack! (turning around, to guests) Everybody, Jack and Kate are here! Jack looks right past her...to the house filled with 50 GUESTS. A loud WHOOP from the guests...Jack has the look of a condemned man on his face as he follows Kate inside... 41A INT. THOMPSON HOUSE - CONTINUOUS As Kate heads into the living room, Evelyn takes Jacks arm... EVELYN (suggestively) Like the dress...? JACK (glancing at it) Its lovely... EVELYN (a satisfied smile) I thought I saw you notice it at the kids recital. Jack shoots her a confused look...then walks in, trying to catch up with Kate... 42 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER The party is in full swing, Christmas music in the b.g., GUESTS talking, laughing, drinking egg nog... Jacks eyes dart around the room...its large, neater than his and Kates house but still very lived in...The Thompson KIDS run in and out of the room, playing with new toys... nobody is wearing or eating anything imported from Europe, but everyones having a good time... ...everyone except for Jack, standing with Arnie and THE GUYS, having his ear chewed off by NICK CARELLI, a walking advertisement for Levis Cotton Dockers... NICK Did you see Van Horn last night? This kids gonna single-handedly save basketball in the state of New Jersey... JACK The Nets? Youre kidding, right...? Nick looks at him in disbelief. JACK (CONTD) (recovering) Well...theyre certainly due. BILL KRAMER, a huge pile of fried chicken wings on his plate, tugs at Jacks shirt. BILL KRAMER So tomorrows the big day, Jackie... JACK Okay...why? BILL KRAMER Triple bypass. Im going under the knife. I told you, didnt I? JACK Triple bypass? (pointing to his plate) You really think you should be eating all that? BILL KRAMER Why not? I figure Im going in for a cleaning tomorrow, I might as well load up on the fried stuff tonight... ARNIE Good thinking, Bill. Have another drink. (whispering to Jack) Hell be lucky if he lives through the night... Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a packet of Dutch Masters cigars. He shows them to Jack, Jack nods politely. Nick eagerly hands him one... Nick lights Jacks cigar, then his own...enjoying that first puff...smiling at Jack...Jack dutifully takes a puff of the cigar...nods back at Nick...but its an effort... Evelyn Thompson approaches, a tray of MUSHROOM PUFFS in hand... EVELYN (holding out a puff to Jack) Finger food...? JACK I dont think so, thank you... EVELYN (suggestively) Cmon, as soon as I put them down, youre gonna grab a couple...you always do... Kate sees Evelyn and Jack from her position on the other side of the room...Kate watches as... Evelyn holds the puff up to Jacks mouth, slowly putting it near his lips... EVELYN (CONTD) Let me. Theyll melt in your mouth... He instinctively opens his mouth as Evelyn pushes the treat inside... EVELYN (CONTD) Good? On Jacks face...if freezer burn were a facial expression, this would be it... JACK (forcing a smile) Theyre great! Thank you! ...Evelyn licks her fingers suggestively then hands Jack the entire tray with a sexy smile... A raised eyebrow from Kate, still watching... EVELYN Mushroom puffs arent the only thing I do well... JACK Well do whatever it is you do well, and just...just do it. Excuse me... Evelyn nods as Jack walks toward the staircase... Kate follows Jack with her eyes as he climbs the stairs... 43 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE, DEN - NIGHT Jack is sitting on the arm of a couch filled with guests coats, talking on a FOOTBALL SHAPED telephone...the tray of mushroom puffs on the table... JACK (loudly, into phone) ...what do you mean he wont come to the phone?! (standing, indignant) Do you realize how much money Ive made for that sonuvabitch in the last eight years?! Click. A dial tone. Jack slams the phone down... JACK (CONTD) Damnit! He slams the phone again...and again...and again... KATE (O.S.) Jack...? Jack turns, sees Kate standing in the doorway, watching him take his frustrations out on the phone, concern on her face. KATE Are you sure youre okay...? A forced smile from Jack. JACK Yes, Im fine. Its just this god awful football phone! Who has a phone like this anyway?! KATE (doubtful) Uh huh... Kate notices the tray of mushroom puffs on the table. KATE (CONTD) You must really love Evelyns mushroom puffs, huh? (with a wink) You know theyre not real... She turns and leaves...Jack looks at her, confused... 44 INT. THOMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Jack comes down the stairs, a lost look in his eyes. He looks across the room and sees... Kate, with a group of GUESTS, looking great in her jeans and white blouse, the center of attention. Jack passes through the guests, people waving to him, slapping him on the back as he approaches Kate... He catches Kates eye...she gives him a subtle smile. KATE (to guests) ...then she asks me to put this sweater on. What choice do I have, right? Jack watches as Kate charms the crowd... KATE (CONTD) But as Im slipping it on I notice shes misspelled the word lawyers. (laughing) I had to go through the entire day wearing a hand embroidered sweater that said, Non-Profit Layers Do It For Free. The guests laugh again. Even Jack finds himself laughing, until... JACK (to Kate, off-hand) So youre a lawyer...? A chuckle from the group. Kates confused. JACK (CONTD) A non-profit lawyer... People are starting to LAUGH. KATE (a little embarrassed) Jack... JACK Pro bono. You dont get paid at all. Nobody makes a dime. Well, bravo... Blank stares from everyone, including Kate... CUT TO: 45 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, FOYER - LATE NIGHT Kate and Jack walk in the front door...the dog greets them happily, jumping up on Jack, a weary look on his face. KATE I better go wake my mother... Kate grabs a leash off a hook and hands it to Jack. KATE (CONTD) Here you go... JACK Youre kidding me... KATE Shes your dog, Jack. JACK No, shes not. KATE Fine, shes the kids dog. Lets go wake Josh, see if he wants to walk her. JACK But its twenty degrees outside... KATE (sympathetic) Youre having a bad day, Ill go with you...actually, theres no way in hell youre gettin me back out there... Jack looks at the dogs face. Lucy couldnt be more excited. Finally, Jack shakes his head and takes the leash. KATE (CONTD) (heading up the stairs) Make sure you reward her verbally when she does a number two... CUT TO: 46 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE NIGHT The sound of CRICKETS. Jack, wearing a down jacket, is being dragged down the street by Lucy, his breath condensing in the cold winter air. The dog sniffs at a hydrant and a couple of garbage cans, but isnt doing her business. JACK Figure it out...Im s crewed...dont have to be a genius to figure that out... The dog stops, sniffing at a manicured lawn... JACK (CONTD) (to Lucy) Its as good a place as any... But the dog keeps moving, pulling Jack with her. JACK (CONTD) ...but obviously not up to your high standards... (to himself) Okay...he said youre working on a new deal now...fine, youve done a thousand deals, whats the first thing you do? Lucys sniffing around someones Christmas display but Jacks too wrapped up in his thought process to notice. JACK (CONTD) Triage. Its your signature. You survey the damage, find out everything you can, you probe, leave nothing to chance. Im just gonna have to go detective. How did you get Mentadent? You learned everything there was to know about toothpaste and then you pounced... Jack narrows his eyes, thinking about that deal... JACK (CONTD) Thats our play here... Resolute, Jack turns to the dog. JACK (CONTD) If you could take a dump some time in this century, then we could go home where its warm... Jack looks around at the unfamiliar houses... JACK (CONTD) That is if I can even remember how to get home... (to Lucy) You remember, dont you girl? But the dog ignores him, dragging Jack along... 47 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Kate is in bed, fast asleep. Jack walks into the room, his face still red from the cold outside. He looks over at Kate, sleeping happily. He takes off his shirt and khakis, laying them neatly on the chair. He looks over at the pair of flannel pajamas folded on the dresser. He shakes his head, resigned, then dons the pajamas and climbs into bed... CHAPTER SIX - BEING A PARENT 48 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - MORNING Morning light streams into the room. The clock reads, 7:14. Jack opens his eyes a burst of light hitting them from the window...like the morning light in his Manhattan loft... He reaches across the bed...its empty... A smile of hope from Jack as he puts his head back on the pillow...maybe it was only a day...Then... The sound of a baby CRYING from the next room...A pained look on Jacks face as he realizes hes still in Jersey. Now the baby is WAILING...Jack lies still a moment, hoping itll stop...it doesnt. Then, he hears the sound of the SHOWER TURN ON in the bathroom. He gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom... 49 INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS The shower is running, a tape player is BLASTING Beast of Burden. Kate is in the shower SINGING LOUDLY with the song... JACK Hello? No answer... JACK (CONTD) (louder, over music) Hello! KATE (singing) ...my feet are hurtin... JACK (yelling) HEY! Finally, the music is turned down and Kate pulls the shower curtain open... Jack sees her naked body...raises an eyebrow...thats something hes missed...then... JACK (CONTD) Uh...that babys crying... KATE (unimpressed) And...? ...her expression makes Jack turn his gaze from her naked body. KATE (CONTD) Dont give me that look, Jack, Tuesdays your day and you know it. And try to get Josh to day care on time, okay? He missed the macaroni painting last week... She closes the curtain and turns the radio back up. CUT TO: 50 INT. JOSHS ROOM - MORNING Annies watching from a baby-size Laz-E-Boy lounger as... Jack, in a robe, stands in front of a changing table, Josh laying happily on his back, playing with a set of plastic keys. Jack takes a fresh Huggies diaper and puts it next to the baby. He surveys Josh, scratching his chin and rubbing his hands like Indiana Jones. Josh playfully grabs at Jacks nose. He looks over to Annie. Shes still staring at him like hes a Martian. He looks at the instructions on the box of Huggies. JACK Pull tape... Jack searches the diaper for the tabs of tape, then gingerly pulls them apart, releasing the diaper from the babys bottom, and seeing whats inside. JACK (CONTD) Holy mother of god! Jack holds the diaper out away from him, searching for a place to put it. Annie points to a Diaper Genie by the dresser. Jack throws the diaper in, then quickly replaces the lid. Annie points to the container of Baby Wipes. JACK (CONTD) You must be kidding... Annie stares at him a beat. Then... ANNIE Youre not really our dad, are you? Jack turns to her. Shes looking back at him with complete earnestness. They stare at each other another moment. Then... JACK No, Im not. A look of curiosity from Annie. JACK (CONTD) I work on Wall Street, you know with the big buildings...? No response from Annie... JACK (CONTD) I live in an apartment house with a doorman, I can buy just about anything I want... Annie nods at Jack, still suspicious. JACK (CONTD) This isnt my real life. Its just a glimpse... ANNIE Wheres my real dad? JACK I dont know... A concerned look on Annies face, Jacks petrified that shes about to cry. JACK (CONTD) But dont worry, he loves you and Im sure hell be back very soon... (to himself) ...very, very soon... Annie approaches Jack, climbing up on a little chair and tugging firmly at his hair. ANNIE They did a pretty good job. JACK Who did? ANNIE The aliens...In the mother ship. You look just like him. JACK Uhh...thanks...slightly better looking though, right? Annies now stone faced, trying to decide about Jack. JACK (CONTD) Youre not going to start crying, are you? Because Im not really sure I could deal with that right now. She thinks about it for a moment. ANNIE Do you like kids? JACK On a case by case basis... ANNIE You know how to make chocolate milk? JACK I think I could figure it out. ANNIE You promise not to kidnap me and my brother and implant stuff in our brains? JACK Sure. Beat. Then...a smile from Annie. ANNIE Welcome to earth. 51 INT. MINI-VAN - MORNING Jacks driving, Annie buckled in the front seat... Josh, in the baby seat, looks like he was dressed by monkeys his shirt buttons are off by one, and theyre clearly supposed to be in the back. ANNIE Stop here... Jack stops the van outside the Playland Day Care Center. ANNIE (CONTD) This is day care. Its where babies go when their parents are at work. JACK Check... He gets out of the van... 52 EXT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS ...he pulls Josh out and walks quickly toward the building, holding the baby away from his body. He gets to the door and holds Josh out to the DAY CARE LADY. She stares at Joshs outfit... JACK Do I get a receipt or something...? The woman looks at Jack like hes crazy. 53 EXT. YMCA - A FEW MINUTES LATER The mini-van pulls up to the drop-off point at this suburban New Jersey Y. Annie opens the door. ANNIE I have winter camp until four, then ballet until five thirty. JACK Five thirty. Okay. ANNIE Try not to be late because kids dont like to be the last one picked up. JACK Got it. Good tip. ANNIE Bye... CHAPTER SEVEN - A TIRE SALESMAN Jack watches her as she runs toward the building. Then... JACK (calling out window) Hey! Annie! Annie turns back toward him. JACK (CONTD) Where do I go now? ANNIE Big Eds. JACK Big Eds? Big Eds Tires? (suspicious) Why...? ANNIE Thats where you work. A beat. Then... JACK You mean I sell tires... She shrugs her shoulders and walks off. JACK (CONTD) Thats what I do. Im a tire salesman... CUT TO: 54 INT. MINI-VAN - A LITTLE LATER Jacks driving down a busy commercial street when he spots something a hundred yards down the road... JACK Good Lord... ...a huge, three-story-tall plastic likeness of Big Ed Reynolds, ten gallon hat, lassoing a tire... 55 EXT. BIG EDS TIRES - MOMENTS LATER Jack approaches Big Eds from the parking lot...slowly, taking it all in... Its like a Pep Boys with a Texas theme. A big retail store for tires and auto parts, and a repair bay for everything from alignments to brake jobs... Jack walks to the tire bay where HECTOR, 40s, a Guatemalan mechanic in grease-stained coveralls, stands with TOMMY the salesman. TOMMY Hey Jack, you happen to know the stock number on those new Michelin X1's? JACK Uh...lemme get back to you on that one... (looking at his name tag) Tommy... HECTOR (to Tommy) Thomas, why you bother Jack about that. Look it up yourself... (to Jack) Okay Jack, we talk later... Jack nods amiably then continues into the store... 56 INT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS Jack walks in...looks around...the store is teeming with activity, a post-holiday sale in progress... Big Ed, in his signature ten gallon hat, sees Jack from behind the counter... BIG ED Jack my boy! You are looking mighty worse for the wear...Hey, guess who I played bridge with two nights ago...? Jack stares blankly at Big Ed... BIG ED (CONTD) Hell, youll never guess. One Sydney Potter. Thats Sydney Potter, Chief Executive Officer of BuyRite Transport. Only the third largest trucking company in the state. I even let the sonuvabitch win, which wasnt easy because the guys been bashed in the head by Teamsters so many times his brains like porridge. Anyhoo, hes looking for a new parts supplier... we can handle that kind of volume, right? Jack considers this briefly. JACK Im gonna have to get back to you on that...Ed. Big Ed makes a gun gesture with his forefinger, winking at Jack, then turns back to the activity at the counter as... Jack spots KENNY, a very young sales associate, walking by. He reaches out and taps Kenny on the shoulder. JACK (CONTD) Do I have a private office somewhere in the building? KENNY Uh...sure Jack... (nervously pointing) Right back there... JACK Thank you. Jack walks into the office with his name on the door... 57 INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Theres no Stairmaster here, no leather sofa or bar...its small, cramped and cluttered, the walls littered with tire inventory and price lists... Jack takes a slow, sad lap around the office. He makes it to the small wooden desk at the far end of the room and sits down behind it... On the desk are photos of Jack, Kate and the kids, a plastic Michelin Man model, a tire-themed day calendar and a small plastic figurine of a BOWLER, the word, Bowlers Do It In An Alley embossed on its base... He surveys the desktop briefly, then opens the top drawer, finding a personal checkbook and looking inside... He sees the bottom line and winces, then puts it back... Jack picks up the Bowlers Do It In An Alley figurine and gives it a good look... JACK Bowlers do it in an alley?...Non profit lawyers do it for free... what is it with these people? Dont they realize this refers to sex? He replaces the figurine then opens the bottom drawer where he spots a bottle of Glenfiddich. He lifts it out... JACK (CONTD) At least you splurged on some decent scotch... He takes a paper cup and pours himself a shot. He drinks it down in one gulp and then crumples up the cup, throwing it toward the NETS basketball hoop/garbage can near the door. He misses... He looks more closely at the photographs...most are family photos, a happy Jack with Kate, with Annie at the pony rides, at Joshs birth...in every one of them, Jack is smiling... JACK (CONTD) (to Jack in the photo) What are you smiling about...? He turns his head...spots a small plaque on the wall behind him. It reads, Jack Campbell - E.F. Hutton #1 Junior Sales Associate, 1988. Jack raises an eyebrow... JACK (CONTD) Number one...not bad. He grabs it off the wall and looks at it more carefully... JACK (CONTD) 1988...? I was in London in 1988... Jacks jarred into reality... JACK (CONTD) (to Jack in the photo) You never went to London... (picking up the photo) ...you never got on that plane... He stays there a moment...in shock. Then... The P.A. system comes to life... ESTELLE (over P.A.) Jack to mag wheels...Jack, youre needed in mag wheels, customer waiting! CUT TO: 58 INT. BIG EDS TIRES, MAIN FLOOR - MINUTES LATER Kenny leading Jack toward the Mag Wheels section. JACK ...I was the number one junior sales associate at E.F. Hutton in 1988. Did you know that? KENNY No, I didnt...thats great. JACK Thats the kind of thing you can really build on... KENNY Uh huh... JACK I mean sales has always been a feeder for M and A, always... They approach Mag Wheels where TOMMY, a slick sales associate, stands with a CUSTOMER looking at the displays... KENNY Here we are, mag wheels... (a little concerned) Hey Jack, are you sure youre okay? JACK Well, Im just a little confused right now about why I work here... Kenny looks at him nervously. KENNY Uh...I just started here last Tuesday. Jack nods compassionately. Kenny takes off leaving Jack alone with his thoughts as Tommy approaches with the customer. TOMMY (to the customer) So youre all set on the Skip Shift eliminator and the Brembo rotors. Jacks our point man on alloy wheels... JACK (turning to Tommy) Do you know why do I work here...? TOMMY Because youre the best damn tire guy in the state of New Jersey... (proudly, to the customer) Jack taught me everything I know about the business... The customer nods, impressed. JACK I taught you the business? Another nod to the customer. TOMMY And hes a crack-up. JACK Everything I taught you. I want to hear it all, right now. Tommys confused. CUSTOMER Hey, Im ready to buy here... JACK (to the customer) What do you want? CUSTOMER I want some alloy wheels. Jack grabs one of the alloy rims off the shelf, holding it out to the customer. JACK Here. These are great. Youll need four. The customer takes the wheel from Jack, looks at it confused... CUSTOMER But I dont like these... JACK Hey, you heard the guy, Im the best damn tire guy in the state of New Jersey. (turning to Tommy) Everything. TOMMY Okay... (hesitating) Rule number one, the customer is always right... A satisfied smirk from the customer. 59 INT. BIG EDS TIRES, JACKS OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON Jack is behind his desk, his tie loosened, on the phone... JACK (into phone) ...I have no idea what our inventory level is, thats why Im asking you... A KNOCK at the door... JACK (CONTD) Look, just send us what you sent us last month, okay...? And keep doing that until further notice... He hangs up the phone as the door opens. Big Ed sticks his head in... BIG ED Got a minute, Jack? JACK Ive got all the time in the world... Big Ed walks in, followed by SYDNEY POTTER, 60s, a tough looking man... BIG ED Jack, meet Sydney Potter, BuyRite Transport, one of Jerseys top businessmen... Potter extends a hand, Jack rises from his chair, trying to place the name. Then... JACK ...and a helluva bridge player. Eds told me a lot about you... They shake hands. Potter nods his head at Jack, immediately impressed. Big Ed is beaming. POTTER (in a heavy Jersey accent) Lucky in cards, lucky in business, lucky in love. My cup runneth over... (to Big Ed) Hes a nice looking boy... BIG ED My daughters no slouch either... A smile from Potter, then a serious look. POTTER Lets cut to the chase, Jack. Big Ed tells me youre the grease that makes the wheels turn around here. I need a new parts supplier for my fleet. You seem to have the parts. That we know. What we dont know is why the hell I should buy them from you. Potter stares Jack down. But Jacks not about to be intimidated by him. He pauses, matching Potters stare. Then... JACK I have no idea... A surprised look from Potter. An anxious laugh from Big Ed. BIG ED (nervous) Cmon Jack... JACK (to Potter) I mean it. From what I can tell, were a mom and pop operation, were already over-extended in sales, and any price advantage we could offer would easily be matched by a larger supplier... Jack continues to stare down Potter. JACK (CONTD) So like I said, I dont have any idea why you should buy your parts from us... The staring match continues. Big Eds getting more nervous. Potters the first to blink. POTTER Okay, you got my attention... JACK Except for rule number one... Jack smiles. JACK (CONTD) The customer is always right. A cliché? Sure. The difference is, we mean it. Were small, we need our customers. We cant afford to disappoint them, ever. Yeah, you could go to some leviathan supplier, probably save a few pennies on the price of oil filters, but with us you get more than a supplier, you get a bridge partner... A smile from Potter. Jack gives Ed a wink. Ed watches, thrilled... JACK (CONTD) You want to bid hearts, were right there with you. You feel the need to redouble, youre not going to get any argument from us... Potter nods at Jack. Jack moves in for the kill. JACK (CONTD) The big guys may have the high cards, but you know as well as I do, Sydney, high cards dont always take the trick. Potter pauses a minute, then... POTTER (to Big Ed, re: Jack) I like him... Big Ed smiles, letting out a relieved sigh. BIG ED (a wink to Jack) Thats my boy... (an arm around Potter) Cmon, lemme show you the rest of the ranch... Big Ed and Potter exit the office... BIG ED (CONTD) (turning back to Jack) Nice shootin, Jack... ...leaving Jack there with a satisfied smile on his face. 60 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT Jack is in bed watching CNBC...On the TV a young woman REPORTER at the anchors desk... CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) ...advancers led decliners by a nine to four ratio and the closing tick was a mildly bullish plus seventy six. Much of the markets action today was fueled by the latest round of merger mania to hit Wall Street... The Global Health Systems and MedTech logos appear on a graphic in the corner of the screen... CNBC REPORTER (CONTD, ON T.V.) ...when Global Health Systems and MedTech Pharmaceutical announced their intentions to join forces in a massive one hundred and twenty two billion dollar stock swap deal. Though neither side expressed significant regulatory concerns at the announcement press conference, it is believed that both the FDA and the FTC will be closely scrutinizing the marriage, the largest ever in the health care industry. When asked about possible anti- competitive implications, Global Chairman Bob Thomas referred reporters to P.K. Lassiter and Company President Alan Mintz, the original architect behind the deal... Jack stares in shock as the image changes to a super confident looking Mintz shaking Bob Thomas hand at the press conference. CNBC REPORTER (CONTD, ON T.V.) Ironically, Mintz first met Thomas at a Lamaze class... JACK A Lamaze class...!? CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) ...while coaching their pregnant wives, Mintz and T homas struck up a dialogue about the need for consolidation in the rapidly growing health care industry and two months later, the deal with MedTech was born... JACK What?! Thats my deal? CNBC REPORTER (ON T.V.) In other business news, U.S. Labor Department officials announced today that two hundred and seventy-five thousand new jobs were created last month, twenty-five thousand less than economists were predicting, leading to a mild rally in the bond markets before midday. But as the trading session drew to a close, the profit takers stepped in and the long bond closed at ninety seven even, up only two ticks, the yield inching down to six point zero seven percent... Kate comes into the room from the hallway wearing only Jacks NYU sweatshirt... KATE The kids are asleep... She goes over to the window and draws the blinds. Jack looks up at her, nods, then goes back to the TV. KATE (CONTD) Jack. I said the kids are asleep... JACK (distracted) Well thats just great...those little monkeys can be a real handful... Kate shuts off the TV. JACK (CONTD) Hey! I was watching that! KATE I thought we had a deal about you watching CNBC in bed. JACK Im working on a new deal now... Kate throws a Kate Bushs The Sensual World into the CD player. KATE Fine, but not tonight... She climbs onto the bed, a seductive look on her face. JACK Wait a second. You want me, dont you? KATE That is the general idea, yes... Kate starts kissing him...but Jacks a little uncomfortable with the sudden intimacy...he pulls back, a little nervous. JACK Shouldnt we grab some dinner first? Maybe a bottle of wine...? KATE Its ten thirty, Jack. By eleven youre gonna be sprawled out on the bed snoring your head off. We dont have time for wining and dining. JACK Whatever you say...honey. She starts kissing him again...but this time he just goes with it, and as her hands run through his hair hes brought back to a different time and place... Jack momentarily pulls back and looks at her...its like the first time hes really looked at her in eleven years... JACK (CONTD) God...youre beautiful... She smiles at him, almost uncomfortable with the compliment... KATE Thanks, Jack... JACK No, Im serious...youre really stunning... KATE This is good stuff, Jack, keep it coming... JACK I mean back in college, you were a very pretty girl, theres no question about that. But this... (lost in her) ...youve really grown into a beautiful woman... Jack stares at her, entranced...Kate pulls back, reacting to the intensity in his stare... KATE How can you do that? JACK (nervous) Do what? KATE Look at me like you havent seen me every day for the last twelve years... Jack freezes. Theres love in her eyes but its not meant for him... She kisses him... KATE (CONTD) Dont move. She gets up off the bed and heads for the bathroom... He looks around...not sure what to do...Finally... He turns onto his side and closes his eyes... Kate emerges from the bathroom, she sees Jack on the bed, hears his breathing heavy with sleep... At once charmed and disappointed, Kate sighs. She turns off the CD player and heads into bed. She pulls the covers up over Jack, shutting off the light... She puts an arm around him, kissing him sweetly on the neck... KATE (CONTD) night, honey... Close in on Jacks face...turned away from Kate...he opens his eyes...looks down at her arm...loneliness on his face... CHAPTER EIGHT - THE MENS DEPARTMENT DISSOLVE TO: 61 EXT. MALL - DAY Its mid-January and all signs of the Christmas season are gone except for the snow on the ground in the busy parking lot. 62 INT. MACYS, MENS DEPT. - DAY Kate, pushing Josh in the stroller and holding Annies hand, passing through the Mens Dept., Jack lagging behind, a bevy of shopping bags in hand and a beleaguered look on his face. KATE (back to Jack) Were almost done here... ANNIE Mary Janes, Mom. You promised. KATE Thats right. Okay, lets make a quick stop at the kids shoe department, pick up my watch from the battery place, then Ill run into the linen store... An unhappy look on Jacks face. JACK Why dont we just go to all the stores?! Kate looks back at Jack. JACK (CONTD) Every single store in this godforsaken shopping mall. We can go to them all. Kate gives him a look. Then... KATE You know what, Jack?! Ill go with the kids. Why dont you just hang out here in the mens department... okay? Jack glances at the Mens Dept., sighs and gives Kate a nod. She takes off with the kids...and then he sees it... ...the Zegna section. Hes drawn to the neat rows of beautiful suits like a moth to the light... He approaches the rack, pulls out a dark green suit, gently touching the soft wool. SALESMAN (O.S.) Its perfect for your frame... Jack turns and sees a SALESMAN standing behind him. SALESMAN Would you like to try it on? CUT TO: 63 INT. MACYS MENS DEPT. - A LITTLE LATER Jack, at a mirror wearing the Zegna suit. It is perfect for his frame. The color is spectacular, the line is dazzling. Jack looks in the mirror, shutting everything else out... its like hes seeing his old self... KATE (O.S.) You look amazing in that suit... Jack snaps out of his trance. He sees Kate standing behind him, Annie and Josh happily playing a few feet away. KATE I mean...wow...off the charts great. JACK Its an unbelievable thing. Wearing this suit actually makes me feel like a better person. (taking one final look) Im gonna buy it... Kate raises an eyebrow, then looks at the price tag. KATE $2,400?! Are you out of your mind? JACK (pointing to Annies new Mary Janes) She got those shoes... KATE Those shoes were twenty five dollars. Cmon, take it off. Well go to the food court and get one of those funnel cakes you like. Jack looks at her...its a moment of decision. JACK No. Kate looks at Jack, a little surprised. KATE No? JACK Do you have any idea what my life is like? KATE Excuse me? JACK I wake up in the morning covered in dog saliva...I drop the kids off, spend eight hours selling tires retail...retail, Kate. Kate just stands here, aghast... JACK (CONTD) I pick up the kids, walk the dog, which by the way, carries the added bonus of carting away her monstrous crap...I play with the kids, take out the garbage, get six hours of sleep if Im lucky, and then it starts all over again...and why is it that I always have to drive everyone everywhere? I spend practically my entire day in that slow as hell mini-van listening to Raffi tapes and trying to figure out how the cup holders work...Im sick of it. KATE Really. JACK Whats in it for me? Where are my Mary Janes? Kate stares at him, shaking her head... KATE Its sad to hear your life is such a disappointment to you, Jack. JACK I cant believe its not a disappointment to you! (letting it all out) Jesus, Kate, I couldve been a thousand times the man I became. How could you do this to me? How could you let me give up on my dreams like this?! Kate stares at him in disbelief. Then... KATE Who are you? Kates words pierce Jack...he has to avert his eyes. JACK (lowering his voice) Look, Im sorry. Im sorry I was such a saint before and Im such a prick now. Maybe Im just not the same guy I was when we got married... KATE Maybe youre not. The Jack Campbell I married wouldnt need a $2400 suit to make himself feel better about his life, but if thats what its gonna take, then buy it. Just buy the goddamn suit ...we can take the money out of the kids college fund. They stare at each other for a moment...a stand-off... JACK Forget it... (taking off the jacket) Well get a funnel cake. Itll be the highlight of my week... 64 EXT. NEW JERSEY ROAD - NIGHT The blue mini-van makes its way down this road... 65 INT. MINI-VAN - NIGHT Theres an icy silence in the car...Jack is behind the wheel, Kate next to him looking out the window, anger on her face... CHAPTER NINE - REMINISCING Jack checks the rear-view mirror, sees Annie and Josh in the back, both asleep... JACK (to Kate) Listen, Im sorry about that back in the store. I really dont want to fight with you... Kate just keeps looking out the window. JACK (CONTD) But you must sometimes wonder how we ended up here. I mean back in college, did you see us... (looking around) ...here...? She turns to him. KATE Ill give you this, life has thrown us a few surprises... A glimmer in Jacks eye... JACK It really has, hasnt it? So if you had to...what would you say was the biggest surprise? She glances at the kids sleeping in the back. KATE Well...Annie for one. JACK Surprise. Were pregnant... (a laugh) Yeah...that mustve been...I mean that was very unexpected. But what are you gonna do, right? KATE I think it worked out okay, dont you? JACK Sure. I really like Annie. KATE Good, Jack. Maybe well keep her. JACK No, I love Annie. We had a lot of good times, didnt we? KATE We were young... (a nostalgic smile) Remember that little place on Charles Street we used to go to? JACK Charles Street? In the Village? When we were living in Greenwich Village...? (off her nod) Great times. Whyd we ever leave? KATE You cant really raise a kid in an apartment in the Village... Jack nods, starting to piece it together. KATE (CONTD) The trek out to the hospital every day didnt help either... (looking at him) You were great. Surviving the heart attack was one thing... JACK You had a heart attack? KATE (a laugh) Jack, stop that. I'm still mad at you... (a sigh) ...who knows what wouldve happened if you hadnt stepped in at the store. JACK Thats why I work for Big Ed? A look from Kate. JACK (CONTD) (recovering) I mean, thats why I work for Big Ed... Jack looks out at the road a moment, piecing it all together in his mind. JACK (CONTD) (almost to himself) So we had a baby, Big Ed had a heart attack, we b ought that house, and Ive been working for him ever since...Sayonara, Wall Street. Kate looks at him a little strangely. JACK (CONTD) (turning to her) Our life in a nutshell... KATE If you want to look at it that way... JACK How would you look at it? She glances again at the kids in the back seat, then at Jack. KATE A great success story... A smile from Jack. He admires her outlook even if he cant bring himself to share it. DISSOLVE TO: 66 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - EVENING A crowded suburban New Jersey bowling alley... Jack stands at a lane holding a bowling ball, the nickname The Hammer emblazoned over his bowling shirt pocket...He approaches the line and throws the ball down the lane... Its ugly...The ball caroms off the hardwood into the gutter. JACK Damn... ARNIE (O.S., from behind) Jesus, Jack, this is a league match, for gods sake! Jack turns. Arnie and the BOWLING TEAM are in the scorekeeping area watching Jack make a mockery of the sport. Jack scowls. ARNIE (CONTD) Wheres your follow through? Wheres your stance? JACK Hey, Im doing the best I can... (under his breath) Id like to see you hit a squash ball after seventeen beers... ARNIE Youre right. Why am I so competitive!? Compensation, I guess. Look, just focus, Jack. You can still pick up the spare... Jack retrieves his ball, sets up, genuinely concentrating... JACK (quietly, to himself) You are Jack Campbell. Youre better than this sport. You shot the rapids at Kenai. You ran with the bulls at Pamplona. You jumped out of a plane over the Mojave Desert, for Christs sake. You can do this... Jack puts everything he has into the throw, heaving the ball down the lane with as much grace and power as he can muster...hitting the six pin and taking out four others. JACK (CONTD) (screaming, excited) Yeah!! He turns, a fist pumped...But the guys could care less... ARNIE (to TEAMMATE) Okay, Pete, youre up. 67 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - LATE Jack walks out of the mens room, heading toward the lounge. He sees a familiar face walking toward him...a woman in a sexy little bowling outfit, carrying a bowling ball to a far lane. EVELYN Hi Jack... A moment of confusion as he tries to place the face. Then... JACK Evelyn, right? EVELYN Very funny. I saw you out there on lane five. What do you have the flu or something? JACK Something like that. EVELYN (with a wink) Need a nurse? JACK Youre a nurse? Evelyn laughs. EVELYN If thats what you want... She brushes past Jack, continuing to her lane...Jack follows her with his eyes a moment, then... JACK Wait a second... She turns. JACK (CONTD) Are we...? EVELYN Are we what, Jack? JACK Is there something going on between us? Evelyns surprised at Jacks directness. She stands there a beat, then walks back toward him. EVELYN Are we finally being honest? JACK It would help me if we were. EVELYN Okay, youre right, weve been dancing around this for years... Evelyn looks a little flush...she briefly fans her face. EVELYN (CONTD) God, my heart is racing. Here goes... (a smile) When I get dressed for a party and I know youre going to be there... well, lets just say I dont go strapless because my husband likes it... An intrigued smile from Jack. EVELYN (CONTD) Ive got six sets of snow tires piled up in my garage and I wont even drive in the snow...And our kids just happen to be in the same ballet class every year? She picks a piece of lint off his shirt. EVELYN (CONTD) So, if youre asking me whether Id like it to be more, the answer is yes... A look of surprise from Jack. EVELYN (CONTD) ...and Kate would never have to know. Jack considers this for a moment. JACK Do I have your number? A wide smile from Evelyn. EVELYN Steves out of town with the kids this week. Why dont you just stop by... She turns, leaving Jack standing there, watching her sashay back to her lane. 68 INT. BOWLING ALLEY, LOUNGE - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the lounge, a little dazed. He heads over to Arnie whos having a beer at the bar. ARNIE (looking at Jack) Hey Jack, youre all flush. I guess that seventy-one took a lot outta you. JACK (sitting down) I just saw Evelyn Thompson. ARNIE She is relentless. JACK She wants to have an affair with me. ARNIE She said that? JACK Pretty much. ARNIE Oh yeah... (shaking his head) What is it about you? JACK (pushing over a napkin) So could you write down her exact address? ARNIE Whoa...whoa...wait a second, Jack. Youre not actually gonna cheat on Kate? JACK It wouldnt really be cheating... (off Arnies doubtful look) Its complicated. ARNIE Look, maybe Im not as good a consigliere as you are but you have to trust me on this one. A little flirtations harmless but youre playing with fire here. The Fidelity Bank and Trust is a tough creditor. You make a deposit somewhere else, they close your account forever. JACK Im telling you, those rules dont apply to me, Arn. ARNIE (a chuckle) Screw the rules. Im talking about the choice. Jack looks at him curiously. ARNIE (CONTD) Cmon, Evelyn Thompsons got no class. She doesnt marry Dr. Steve, the womans living in a trailer. JACK Hey, is that really necessary? ARNIE All Im saying it there isnt a guy in Union County who wouldnt give his left nut to be married to Kate... Arnie takes one last swig of his beer and gets up... ARNIE (CONTD) Ill see ya later, Jack... He leaves Jack alone, thinking... CHAPTER TEN - CAKE WARS 69 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - NIGHT Jack walks into the house carrying his bowling bag. He dumps the bag in the coat closet and walks into the kitchen where... Kate is at the counter, her back to him, poring over some legal documents. KATE (not looking up) How was the game, honey? JACK (opening the fridge) Long, boring, and generally pretty sad. Arnie seemed to enjoy it... (peering inside) Hey, wheres that chocolate cake...? Kate turns around, revealing a huge hunk of chocolate cake on a plate in front of her, a bite ready to go into her mouth. KATE (with a smile) You mean this chocolate cake? JACK Thats my piece. I was saving it because I got nauseated from that store bought chicken. Kate takes the bite, a little piece of icing sticks to the side of her mouth. KATE Its good... Jack approaches the counter. JACK Gimme that cake. She takes another bite. KATE No way. He makes a grab for the plate but she holds it out where he cant reach it. JACK Cmon. KATE Sorry, Jack. Its too important to me. They stare each other down a moment. Then... He tries to swipe the plate. Kate jumps out of her chair, running out of the kitchen with the cake, laughing... Jack takes off after her...chasing her through the house... just about the catch up to her when... She darts up the stairs, still laughing...he follows her... JACK I want that cake! ...reaches up...grabs her shirt...pulls her down playfully on top of him... KATE (laughing) You want the cake!? JACK (out of breath) I want it... She looks at him, then takes the whole piece in her hand and smooshes it right in his mouth... Beat. Then, Jack starts laughing... JACK (CONTD) Thank you... KATE Its good, right? He takes a big clump of it and smooshes it in her mouth. They stay there a moment, lying on the stairs, feeding each other cake, laughing. Jack leans back on the stairs. He looks at Kates face, practically covered in cake, smiling, and realizes... ...he hasnt laughed like this in thirteen years. Then... JACK Are the kids asleep? A sexy smile from Kate...they start kissing passionately right there on the steps...its heating up... KATE (caught up in the moment) Say it, Jack... JACK What...? KATE Cmon, you know what I like to hear... JACK (in the throes of passion) Yeah, baby, I know what you like to hear... KATE (kissing him) Then say it...just say it to me...! JACK (swept up in the moment) Oh yeah, youre a bad girl, baby... You make me so hot...Im gonna take you to that special place... Kate pulls away. KATE What...? Jack looks up at her, he can practically see the passion drain from her face... JACK Not it...? KATE Nice, Jack. Youre sweeping me off my feet. JACK What? You make me hot... She gets up and heads up the steps, disappearing into the bedroom...Jack shakes his head, frustrated. Then, he feels something licking at his hand... He looks down and sees Lucy standing next to him, wagging her tail, looking up at Jack with an Ive gotta go look on her face. Jack heaves a sigh, then... JACK (CONTD) Cmon, Lucy, maybe one of us can get a little relief tonight... He leads the dog toward the front door... 70 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MINUTES LATER Jack is walking Lucy. He passes a house that looks familiar to him. Then he sees it... ...the name THOMPSON etched on the mailbox... Its the Thompson house, now sans the garish Christmas decorations, a drying Christmas tree tied up on the curb, ready to be picked up as garbage... Jack stops, pulling the dog back, looking up at the house... He sees a light on in the upstairs bedroom...the faint outline of a woman reading by the window... EVELYN THOMPSON... Jack looks around, sees the street is empty, then nudges the dog, leading her up the path to the house. He gets to the front door...moves his hand up to the doorbell...but its a tentative move...he keeps it there a moment, perched at the button...but for some reason he cant bring himself to push it... He looks down the street, toward his own house, then to the window upstairs. Finally, he turns... JACK (pulling the leash) Cmon, girl, lets go home... 71 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE FOYER - MINUTES LATER The front door opens and Jack walks in with Lucy on a leash, his face red from the cold outside. He gives the dog a pat on the rump, then takes off his coat, hanging it and the leash on a hook by the door... He walks through the quiet house, into the living room, rubbing his hands together to warm them up. CHAPTER ELEVEN HOME MOVIES He goes over to a glass bar stand and pours himself a scotch, taking a sip, letting the alcohol warm him... He strolls through the room, looking at some of the family photos framed and hanging on the wall, focusing on his own face in the pictures, studying the expressions... He moves to a pile of video tapes sitting on a shelf, marked with titles like, Trip to Yosemite, 96" and Joshs 1st Birthday. He runs his fingers along the tapes, stopping at one marked, Jack Singing. His eyes linger there a moment... He puts his drink down and pops the tape in the VCR... ON TV: Its a party for Kates birthday thrown at the Kramers house...same crowd of people as the Christmas party, cheesy Happy Birthday decorations. The image jerks up and down, surveying the crowd... Bill Kramer at the piano, playing some light cocktail music ...Kate talking with a group of friends... ARNIE (O.S.) Jesus, Bill, this thing is an antique. Dont you even have image stabilization? Bill stops playing and looks up at Arnie. BILL KRAMER Four hundred bucks at Best Buy, Arn. Then...Jack comes into frame, a confident smile on his face. JACK And everyone knows image stabilization is for the weak... Jack is jarred by the image of himself on the video... Jack on TV...he smiles as Kate walks into frame, easily putting an arm around Jack... ARNIE So Jack, its your wifes birthday, got anything to say to her? JACK (to Kate) Its your birthday? Today? Whats your name? Where were you born? KATE Jack. JACK Wait a minute. Youre my wife? She slaps him playfully on the arm... JACK (CONTD) I do have one thing I wanna say... Kate looks at him expectantly. Then... JACK (CONTD) (singing to her) Oh those fingers in my hair, that sly come hither stare, strips my conscience bare, its witchcraft... Jack doesnt have the greatest voice in the world but hes not the least bit self-conscious...and Kate seems to like it, theres a twinkle in her eye...some of the guests focus their attention on Jack and Kate. Jack winces, embarrassed, as he watches himself sing... JACK (CONTD) ...and Ive got no defense for it, that heat is too intense for it, what good would common sense for it do... Bill Kramer still at the piano, chimes in with the basic chords for Witchcract, sounding it out as he goes along... JACK (CONTD) ...Cause its witchcraft, wicked witchcraft...and although I know its strictly taboo...when you rouse the need in me, my heart says yes indeed in me, proceed with what youre leadin me to... The camera catches the reactions of guests in the crowd... the women, smiles on their faces, wrapped up in the romance of the moment. Envy on the mens faces as they watch Jack serenade his wife... A musical interlude from Bill as Jack takes off his jacket...some HOOTS and HOLLERS from the crowd...Arnie captures the image of Kate whistling at her husband... Arnie follows with the camera as Jack strolls in front of the gathered guests... JACK (CONTD) Its such an ancient pitch, but one that Id never switch, there aint no nicer witch than you... Jack watches himself move gracefully. But its no longer embarrassment on his face, its fascination... Back in the video, the camera catches Evelyn Thompson watching longingly as Jack moves back toward Kate...Evelyn cant take it anymore, she abruptly turns and walks toward the kitchen... Jack raises an eyebrow... In the video...Jack approaches Kate, she couldnt have a more delighted look on her face. He picks up the verse... JACK (CONTD) Cause its witchcraft, that koo koo witchcraft...and although I know its strictly taboo... The camera pans across the crowd, even the men are getting into it, focused on Jack as he sings lovingly, unashamed, to his wife...Nick Careli mouths the words along with Jack, almost as if hes studying him, revering him... Jack watches the TV, seeing Nick do this...maybe he underestimated his alter ego... On the video...Jack staring into Kates eyes... JACK (CONTD) ...when you rouse the need in me, my heart says yes indeed to me, proceed with what youre leadin me to... Jack and Kate exchange a sexy smile... JACK (CONTD) Its such an ancient pitch, but one that Id never switch... Jack kisses her on the lips...HOOTS and HOLLERS from the crowd. JACK (CONTD) Cause theres no nicer witch than you... Kate brushes a hand across Jacks face... Smash cut to Jack watching this...seeing the connection, the heat between them...coveting it... Back to the video...the music building...the crowd completely in the palm of Jacks hand... JACK (CONTD) ...than you... The camera closes in on Jack and Kate as the music builds to a crescendo... JACK (CONTD) ...than you... A little musical flourish from Bill as the crowd breaks out into huge CHEERS and APPLAUSE... Jack, watching this other version of himself in the video, the center of attention, larger than life, focused on Kate... Back on video... JACK (CONTD) (speaking quietly to Kate) Happy Birthday sweetheart...I love you. Kate leans over, giving Jack a deep kiss...OOHS and AHHS from the crowd...but Jack and Kate are in their own little world... Jack continues to watch himself on the video, his smile fading, becoming a look of realization...then loss... A tear at the corner of his eye... The SOUND fades in Jacks head as the action in the video continues... Hes left standing there...silent, still... DISSOLVE TO: 72 INT. CAMPBELL MASTER BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING Lucy licking Jacks face. Jack pushes the dog away...as... The ALARM RINGS. Kate pushes the button to stop it. KATE (groggy) Time to get up, honey... Jack obliges without question, getting out of bed, putting on a robe and slippers and exiting, still practically half-asleep. 73 INT. KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER Jack walks into the kitchen. He turns on the Mr. Coffee, gets a bottle from the fridge, throws it in the microwave, removes it, and heads upstairs. 74 INT. JOSHS ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...into Joshs room. Josh is wide awake, standing up in his crib, like a prisoner in a cell. Jack gives him the bottle, pats his head perfunctorily, and then walks out of the room... CHAPTER TWELVE - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY 75 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ...and back into the bedroom to find Kate, sitting on the bed, a wrapped present in front of her and a wide smile on her face. Jack stops, raising an eyebrow at the gift. He looks behind, as if to ask whether its for him, then back to Kate. KATE Happy Anniversary, honey... Terror on Jacks face. KATE (CONTD) (pushing the gift forward) Before you do whatever crazy stunt youve got planned I want you to open mine... Jack musters up a smile, then approaches the gift. JACK Maybe I should wait... KATE No, open it... He hesitates, then begins unwrapping the package, revealing... ...a suit, similar in color and style to the Zegna suit... KATE (CONTD) I found it at an outlet store. I know its a knock-off, but I think itll look great on you... JACK (examining the label) Zeena... Jack is overcome with emotion...Yes, its a ZEENA, but this is probably the nicest thing anyones ever done for him... JACK (CONTD) (tearing up) You really are incredible... KATE Enjoy it, sweetheart... Jack looks at Kates expectant face, suddenly remembering how truly screwed he is. JACK Youre probably expecting something from me... Hes sweating bullets...watching as Kate gets a quizzical look on her face... JACK (CONTD) Heres the thing. I really hadnt planned on giving you your...uh... anniversary gift until tonight. (an uncomfortable smile) You know, anniversarys good all day... KATE What are you talking about? You never wait all day. You can barely wait until its light out. JACK I know that, but... Beat. Kate looks at him like shes looking into his soul. KATE You forgot. Jack stands there, silent. KATE (CONTD) You actually forgot our anniversary. JACK Ill fix it. Ill go out right now and get you something. Ill make it right. That didnt help. KATE (holding back the tears) Jesus, Jack...Is this where we are now? Is this our marriage? Suddenly Im the wife who has to drop hints two weeks before her anniversary so her husband doesnt fuck it up? Jack sees a tear run down her face...a pang of guilt on his... JACK Please dont cry... Kate wipes the tear away but they just keep coming. KATE (shaking her head, crying) I dont want to be that, Jack... Jack approaches her, holding out a hand but Kate pushes it away, gets up and walks toward the bathroom... Jack is left standing alone, holding Kates gift... CUT TO: 76 INT. FRONT PORCH - MINUTES LATER Jack emerges from the house, steps out onto the porch for some air... He shakes his head, a mixture of frustration and self- pity on his face. He notices Annies bike leaning against the side of the porch, and the bell that Cash gave him sitting on its handle bar. He takes a step toward it, and gives the bell a gentle RING ...he looks around, as if hes expecting someone to appear ...but theres no one. He RINGS the bell again, louder this time, really trying to attract someones attention. JACK Cmon...cmon... Nothing. Finally, he lifts the bike up in the air, RINGING the bell with everything hes got... JACK (CONTD) (shouting to the sky) Cmon, goddamnit, how was I supposed to know the date of their anniversary!? I never married her! Pull back...Annie in the doorway...looking at him. ANNIE (slowly) Put the bicycle back on the ground... Jack turns and sees her, gently lowering the bicycle. 77 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE KITCHEN - MORNING Jack is mixing a glass of chocolate milk. Annie, arms folded, is waiting expectantly. He finishes, sliding the glass to her. She takes a long sip, puts the glass down, a chocolate milk mustache on her lip. ANNIE Not bad...I shoulda warned you. Dad always does something really special for their anniversary. JACK Like what? ANNIE One year he had a solar system named after her... JACK Dont you think thats a little gimmicky? ANNIE Mom liked it. Jack raises an eyebrow. JACK Maybe theres a jewelry store back at the mall. I could get her a pair of earrings or something. ANNIE Thats good but...you did forget the anniversary. JACK Right. Thats a major oversight... (thinking aloud) So if Im Kate...I cant really afford the finer things, my husbands career is a crushing disappointment to me, Im trapped in suburbia... Then... JACK (CONTD) Did he ever take her to the City? Annie smiles, impressed. ANNIE Youre really gettin the hang of this. Suddenly, a look of confidence comes over Jacks face. For the first time, he seems like a man in control. 78 INT. BEDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON Annie is sitting on the bed watching her mother get dressed. Kate, wearing a silky slip, walks out of her closet carrying two dresses on hangers, a red one and a sexy little black one. Kate holds out the two dresses to Annie. KATE Which do you think? Annie thinks about it for a moment, taking it very seriously... ANNIE The black one... Kate nods. Shes about to put it on when she looks at Annie... KATE Fightings a part of it, Annie. You know that, right? ANNIE Im not worried, Mom. Hes still learning our ways... Kate looks at her with a raised eyebrow, then nods. Its true. She puts down the dress and holds out a hand to Annie. KATE Cmere. Kate leads her to the makeup table, then opens a lipstick... ANNIE (excited) Really? Kate nods then applies some red lipstick to Annies lips. KATE Now go like this... Kate rubs her lips together, showing Annie how to do it. Annie mimics her Mom, then Kate looks at her Annies beaming. KATE (CONTD) Youre gonna break a lot of hearts, you know. A smile from Annie... Pull back to reveal...Jack standing at the door, watching ...appreciating the kind of mother Kate is... 79 OMITTED 80 EXT. LOIRE - NIGHT A small, elegant French restaurant hidden on a tree- lined lower Manhattan street. 81 INT. LOIRE - SAME TIME Jack is wearing the suit Kate gave him. Its not a Zegna, but he looks pretty damn good. He leads Kate toward the cloak room at this intimate restaurant... He helps her off with her coat. Kates wearing the sexy little black dress and we can immediately see its effectiveness... JACK You look beautiful... A charmed smile from Kate as she hands Jack her coat. Jack hands the coats over to the COAT CHECK GIRL... JACK (CONTD) (instinctively) Thanks, Catherine... Jack fakes a SNEEZE, trying to cover up...Kate gives him a pat on the back... KATE You okay? He takes Kate by the arm... JACK Fine... He leads her to the main room. She looks out at the room, elegant tables, French country decor, a PIANIST playing Cole Porter... KATE (quietly to Jack) Jack...can we afford all this? JACK Whats the difference? Im taking my baby out for our anniversary, damn the costs... KATE How do you even know about this place? Jacks caught for a moment. Then... JACK Arnie... (insistent) Arnie. Hell throw you a curve ball once in a while, thats for sure... Jack puts his arm around her and kisses her on the cheek... 82 INT. LOIRE - A LITTLE LATER Jack and Kate sit at a secluded table, a WAITER standing next to them. Jacks not even looking at the menu. JACK Well have the tureen of quail breast with shiitake mushrooms to start, then the veal medallions in raspberry truffle sauce and the sea scallops with pureed artichoke hearts...sea scallops, North of the Caspian... Kate looks at Jack, a mixture of confusion and awe on her face. WAITER Very good, sir. And may I say those are all excellent selections. JACK You may... (perusing the wine list) Also, well have a bottle of Lafite, 1982. Kate reaches over and pulls down the wine list, reading it upside down. KATE Its five hundred and fifty dollars, Jack! A wince from Jack...for a moment there it was almost perfect. JACK Just a glass of red wine for each of us... The waiter nods, then walks toward the kitchen... KATE You are so not off the hook yet, slick. JACK But Im gettin close, right? A noncommittal nod from Kate. Then Jack notices her look over at the pianist, drawn in by the music. JACK (CONTD) You want to dance? A puzzled look from Kate. Theres nobody else dancing. There isnt even much room to dance... KATE I dont think theres dancing here, Jack. Jack gets up and holds out a hand. JACK Sure there is... Kate looks around again, then she smiles. Kate rises, taking his hand. Jack takes her in his arms, swaying slowly in the limited amount of space, confident and self-assured. The pianist looks up, smiling, appreciating their role in this romantic moment. Kate moves with Jack, following his lead comfortably. They look good together...in sync with each other... People are watching them...some of the men are impressed, others are scoffing, but the women are clearly charmed... KATE (whispering to Jack) Pretty good for a tire salesman from Jersey... Jack flashes her his most charming smile. JACK I have my moments... They continue to dance, in a world of their own... 83 INT. LOIRE - LATE Jack and Kate at the table enjoying a gourmet meal. Jack holds out a fork with a piece of veal for Kate. She takes a bite. KATE Mmmm... (spearing a scallop) ...here, try one of these... Jack takes a scallop from Kates fork. JACK (savoring the scallop) God I missed that taste... Kate laughs. JACK (CONTD) Why are you laughing? Kate shoots him a look of curiosity. Jack looks back at her, sees the trust in her face...He puts down his fork. JACK (CONTD) I need to tell you something. KATE Okay... JACK I think it may help us but theres a slight chance it could make things worse. She hears the seriousness in his voice. KATE Now Im worried...just say it. Whatever it is well deal with it. JACK Are you sure? She nods. Jack searches his mind for the right words. Then... JACK (CONTD) I feel like Im living someone elses life... Jack looks to her, expecting the worst. But she just nods reassuringly. He continues... JACK (CONTD) I used to be so sure about everything, you know? I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. Then one morning I woke up and suddenly it was all different... KATE Worse, you mean... JACK No. Well, maybe a few things. But mostly just different... Jack lets out a small smile. Now hes the one whos reassuring Kate. JACK (CONTD) I never used to be like this, Kate. I had it all figured out. No doubts, no regrets. KATE And now...? JACK Now...I dont... He looks at her, staring into her eyes, almost desperate for understanding. KATE Me neither. A raised eyebrow from Jack. KATE (CONTD) I think its good to be a little unsure about who you are. Its very human. JACK But you always seem so certain. KATE Cmon, Jack, you think there arent mornings when I wake up and wonder what the hell Im doing in New Jersey... JACK Thats a big one for me, too. KATE My office is a dump, I answer my own phone...and youve seen my pay check. JACK Your pay check is a disgrace to pay checks. KATE I mean yes, I help people that need it... JACK I guess...some of them are probably faking. KATE (a laugh, then...) God, sometimes I think it would be so nice not to have to stretch ground beef or maybe drive a car with a CD player... He smiles, right there with her. KATE (CONTD) Imagine having a life where everything was easy...where you asked for things and people just brought them to you... JACK Its wonderful... Kate laughs, nodding. A pause, then... KATE I think about it, too, Jack. I do. I think about the kind of person Id be if I hadnt married you... Its as if shes inside his head. They stay like this for a moment, looking into each other. JACK And...? She stops a moment, considering. Then... KATE And I realize Ive just erased the things in my life Im most sure about. You, the kids... Jack nods. JACK Good things... KATE What are you sure about? Jack looks into Kates eyes. JACK Im sure that right now theres nowhere Id rather be than here with you... Kate smiles at Jack, a loving, secure smile. Its been a while. CUT TO: 84 EXT. PENSION - NIGHT The mini-van parked outside a small brownstone right on the square. Its like something out of a Henry James novel... charming, meticulously maintained, elegant... 85 INT. PENSION, SUITE - A LITTLE LATER The door opens and Jack, carrying Kate in his arms, enters... Jack puts Kate down and she takes in the room, antique furniture...its like walking into another world... KATE This is so beautiful... Jack smiles as he opens a champagne bottle sitting on a silver ice bucket... KATE (CONTD) You know champagne makes me do crazy things. JACK (pouring) Ill just full yours up to the top. (handing her a glass) Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Kate smiles, clinking her glass with Jacks. KATE I dont know how you did it, hoss, but you pulled it off. JACK Im out of the doghouse? KATE Way out... Kate saunters into the bedroom, looking at the king- size poster bed, feeling the down quilt. Jack follows her... KATE (CONTD) (turning to him) You may even get lucky tonight... Kate kisses him...when their lips separate, we can see the powerful effect it has on him. Jack looks deep into her eyes, stroking her hair, lost in her. JACK Youre so...beautiful... KATE I already told you you were gonna get lucky, Jack... They kiss again, a long soulful kiss. Then... Jack pulls back, a look of realization on his face... JACK My god, all this time...I never stopped loving you... KATE (a wide smile) Thats all I wanted to hear... She kisses him, their bodies intertwined...hands caressing ...more and more passionate...then reaches behind her to the light. The room goes dark... DISSOLVE TO: 86 INT. PENSION, SUITE - MORNING Morning sun streams onto Jack and Kate in bed... Kate, in Jacks arms, her head on his chest, a contented smile on her face... Jacks eyes open...adjust to the light. He looks over at Kate. Theres something different in his eyes...something deeper. Jack smiles...a broad, Im in love kind of smile. Kate stirs, gently stroking Jacks chest. KATE Mmmm...Jack... Kate lifts her head, turning to face Jack. KATE (CONTD) I feel like I should give you money... Jack laughs. KATE (CONTD) I mean, my god, Jack you were always good but this...this was... like a porno movie. Kate lays her head back on Jacks chest, looking at Washington Square through the window. KATE (CONTD) I could stay here forever... JACK I dont think Id fight you on that one... Kate lifts her head and looks at him expectantly. They kiss. 87 EXT. NEW JERSEY STREET - NIGHT The mini-van passes a sign that reads, Welcome to Teaneck. 88 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, VARIOUS - MORNING Annie walking through the downstairs of the house, practicing her violin...its a noise bordering on MUSIC, but not quite... She walks into the kitchen where... Jack stands at the counter in his robe, reading the Newark Star Ledger and drinking a cup of coffee. He lowers the paper, watches Annie with a smile as she strolls through the room playing her violin badly...he goes back to his paper. 89 INT. JACKS CLOSET - MINUTES LATER Jack, still singing, donning his Dockers and short- sleeve oxford... 89A EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - MORNING The front door of the Campbell House... Jack emerges in his work clothes, putting his coat on, a bagel in his mouth... He disappears from frame, the screen door closing slowly behind him... In a moment...Kate appears at the door, a cup of coffee in her hand...she follows Jack with her eyes as he heads to the car. Then...a smile from Kate... In a moment...Jack returns to frame and heads straight into Kates arms... ...a passionate kiss as she leans against the door post... KATE Have a good day... A smile from Jack as she pats him on the ass and sends him on his way... 90 EXT. BIG EDS - AFTERNOON Jack, pointing to a stack of radials, is standing with a MAN (40s) wearing a pale blue leisure suit and a pair of high top Nike Air Jordans. JACK For the money, theyre hands down the best radial we carry... MAN (thinking, then...) Okay, Ill take them... JACK You wont regret it... (shouting to Tommy) Tommy! Set Mr. Conlin up with four B.F. Goodrich G-Force T/As... (looking the man over) ...and give him ten percent off for having the best costume... Just then, a black ROLLS ROYCE SILVER SERAPH pulls into the lot, its front left tire riding on the rim... ESTELLE (O.S.) (over P.A. system) Jack, Kate on line two! Jack pick up two! Jack turns toward the door, but then looks curiously back at the Rolls...something familiar about it... Then...Peter Lassiter gets out of the car... KENNY (walking out to Jack) Kates on two, Jack. (on seeing the Rolls) Nice ride... JACK (staring at Lassiter) If youre into that kind of conspicuous consumption... KENNY You want me to handle him? I think Im ready... ESTELLE (O.S.) (over P.A. system) Jack! Kate still holding on line two... JACK Sure...be careful, he looks like a tough negotiator... Jack walks inside... 91 INT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS ...but hes still focused on Lassiter through the window, cant take his eyes off him... He gets to the phone...sees the light for line two blinking ...he looks back outside, sees Kenny approach Lassiter... ...back to the blinking phone light...he picks up the phone... But cant bring himself to hit the blinking light. Then... JACK (to Estelle, into intercom) Tell Kate Ill call her back... INTERCUT WITH ESTELLE IN HER OFFICE ESTELLE (into intercom) It sounded pretty important. JACK (into intercom) Im with a customer. Ill call her back. He takes his hand away from the phone and walks back outside the store... CHAPTER THIRTEEN - PETER LASSITER 92 EXT. BIG EDS TIRES - CONTINUOUS ...towards Kenny and Lassiter. LASSITER (to Kenny) I seem to have had some kind of blow out... Jack approaches, tapping Kenny on the shoulder. JACK Why dont you let me take this one, Kenny? KENNY Okay, chief. Kenny nods then heads back inside... JACK Peter Lassiter... LASSITER (surprised) Do I know you? JACK Not exactly. Ive seen you on CNBC. (with a smile) You look taller in real life... CUT TO: 93 INT. BIG EDS TIRED, JACKS OFFICE - LATE Jack leaning back in his chair, behind the desk of his cluttered, cramped office. JACK ...truth is, Mintz was so busy timing his wifes breathing he didnt see that MedTech needed Global more than the other way around. Ten days, two weeks tops, they wouldve approached you with an offer, and Id bet anything it wouldve been thirty billion, not twenty nine... (a knowing smile) Problem was, Peter, you had a pussycat running the show. What you needed was a rottweiler. Lassiter, sitting on the little chair across from Jack, an intrigued look on his face... LASSITER (nodding) Well, Im impressed. A smile from Jack. LASSITER (CONTD) I really am... Jack savors the moment, until... LASSITER (CONTD) So, about my car... Hes jarred back to reality, a little crestfallen... JACK Sure. Were going to have to special order that tire. Itll be ready in about two days. Lassiter nods, then takes a business card out of his wallet. LASSITER This has my office address on it... (thinking, then...) Why dont you drop it off yourself? A smile from Jack. CUT TO: 94 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, JACKS BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Kate, sound asleep in bed... Pan across to Jack, his eyes wide open, lost in thought... 95 INT. BIG EDS, JACKS OFFICE - DAY Jack wearing his Zeena suit, sitting behind his desk, distracted, as he listens to HECTOR, 40s, the GUATEMALEN MECHANIC. HECTOR ...I say to her, Margarita, we already have four kids, why do we need more? Jack is shaking his leg anxiously under the desk as he eyes the door... HECTOR (CONTD) But she say she want an even number. I say four is an even number! But she say she want six. Jack checks his watch... HECTOR (CONTD) I tell her, Margarita, I just got my green card, I like to sit back and rest a little bit... JACK (interrupting) Hector...do I usually listen to your personal problems? HECTOR Sure, Jack, all the time... Jack nods, then... JACK Look, I have some business that I have to take care of in the city so Im leaving early... (getting up) My advice to you...follow your dreams. CUT TO: 96 EXT. LASSITER BUILDING - AFTERNOON Jack pulling up to the building in Lassiters Rolls... He gets out of the car, walks to the building, feeling good, confident, stopping to gaze up at the skyscraper...he breathes in deeply, then heads inside... 96A INT. LASSITER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Jack enters, instinctively tossing the car keys to the SECURITY GUARD...the guard looks at him like hes crazy... 97 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - MINUTES LATER Jack and Lassiter walk together... LASSITER ...were really more of a boutique operation, as you can see... JACK But youre not interested in boutique dollars... (a smile) I get it... They walk into... 98 INT. ALAN MINTZS OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Past the assistants desk... MINTZS ASSISTANT (seeing Lassiter) Hes expecting you, Mr. Lassiter... Lassiter doesnt even slow down... 99 INT. ALAN MINTZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Its Jacks old office but you wouldnt know it from the decor...lots of country pine, a fabric sofa, and a play pen where the bar used to be. Jack enters, immediately struck by the difference... LASSITER (to Mintz) Alan, this is Jack Campbell...the one I was telling you about... Mintz, a confident look on his face, gets up from the desk and goes to shake Jacks hand. ALAN Jack, of course. They shake hands. JACK (appropriately deferential) Mr. Mintz. ALAN Please, call me Alan. We try to cultivate a casual atmosphere around here... JACK (re: play pen) I can see that, Alan. A chuckle from Mintz. ALAN You have kids, Jack? JACK (hesitating, then...) Uh...actually, yes. Two... good ones. Another laugh from Mintz. ALAN Thats great... (gesturing to the sofa) Why dont you have a seat? Jack nods, sits down on the plush sofa, Mintz and Lassiter take the chairs. ALAN (CONTD) So, Peter mentioned that you were an avid CNBC watcher but didnt say whether you had any actual Wall Street experience? Jacks a little taken aback by the question, not realizing he was walking into an interview... He crosses his legs, trying to get comfortable. JACK I was a sales associate, at E.F. Hutton. ALAN A broker? Really. And now youre in the tire business? JACK Thats right. And auto supply... ALAN Uh huh. The retail end, I understand. Jack nods... JACK Uh...we actually get about sixty percent of our business from automotive service. ALAN Mind if I ask what kind of sales you did last year? Ballpark... JACK We did one point seven million in total revenue... ALAN Uh huh...one point seven. And what do you project for this year? Jack pauses, analyzing the situation...the patronizing questions, the smirk on Mintzs face... ALAN (CONTD) Any thoughts at all on that? As Jack stares into their faces, he realizes the extent of his handicap... ALAN (CONTD) Jack? He stops, takes a moment, looking at Mintz and Lassiter then ...a confident smile. JACK Well, Alan, I think were gonna have a banner year. Sales are up almost twenty percent in the first quarter and we just landed a major trucking company account. ALAN Really. So youre projecting what, a tad over two million? A gleam in Jacks eye. JACK Thats right. And that would make us number one in our market... (getting up) You mind if I stand? A raised eyebrow from Mintz. Mintz and Lassiter follow Jack with their eyes as he crosses the room to the desk, pours himself a glass of water... JACK (CONTD) Look, I know our paltry little two million in sales is about what you spend on office supplies in a year. And I know some regional trucking company account is nothing compared to a sixty billion dollar merger... ALAN Im not trying to knock the tire business, Jack. JACK (a confident chuckle) Its okay, Alan. I get it. Im in your shoes, Im thinking exactly the same thing...but heres the thing. Business is business. Wall Street, Main Street, its all just a bunch of people getting up in the morning, trying to figure out how the hell theyre gonna send their kids to college. Its just people... Jacks confidence is throwing Mintz off, but Lassiter appears intrigued... JACK (CONTD) And I know people. ALAN Im sure you do... LASSITER (intervening) Lets let the man have his say... Mintz covers his embarrassment with a smile... JACK (to Mintz) Take you, for instance... ALAN (defensive) What about me? JACK You drink about sixteen Diet Cokes a day. Youre an excellent father, but you feel guilty about the time you spend away from home. You drink bourbon, but you offer your clients scotch... Jack looks around the office then back to Mintz. JACK (CONTD) And your wife decorated this office... A laugh from Lassiter as Mintz sits there stewing, a caught look on his face. LASSITER He certainly has your number, Alan. JACK (turning to Lassiter) Youre a little tougher, Peter. A raised eyebrow from Lassiter, but hes game... JACK (CONTD) For one thing, you like expensive things. LASSITER (smiling proudly) Thats easy. Youve seen my car. JACK (a chuckle) Okay...you smoke Hoyo de Monterreys. Youre a scotch man, single malt, not because its trendy but because youve been doing it for forty years, and you stay with what works. You have two great loves in your life, your horses and this company. You wept openly the day the Dow hit ten thousand... Lassiters impressed. JACK (CONTD) And youre a man who prides himself on finding talent in unusual places... LASSITER Oh? And how would you know that? Jack smiles. JACK Because Im here. On Lassiter...nodding his head. Mintz, a plastered-on smile. JACK (CONTD) Im prepared to do anything it takes to get this job. Start anywhere you need me to start. Ill park cars if I to... (into Lassiters eyes) The biggest part of judging character is knowing yourself. And I know this, I can do this job. Give me a chance, Peter, I wont let you down. Lassiter returns Jacks gaze with equal intensity. In a moment, he turns to Mintz. LASSITER (to Mintz) Alan, why dont you show Jack around a bit... ALAN Id love to. CUT TO: 100 INT. LASSITER BUILDING CORRIDOR - MINUTES LATER Jack and Alan walking side by side down the hallway... EMPLOYEES passing them by, greeting Mintz, Mintz waving back... ALAN (pointing) ...thats our war room. We did seven major deals last year, three of them hostile. JACK (not particularly impressed) Seven. Really. They turn a corner, coming into a deserted section of the corridor. Mintz stops, turning to Jack. Jack returns Mintzs gaze with a quizzical look. ALAN Lets cut the shit, huh Campbell? What, did you go through his wallet or something? Jacks a little taken aback. ALAN (CONTD) No matter. That circus act back there may have dazzled Lassiter momentarily but it doesnt do shit forme. Even if you get this job, which I highly doubt, let me warn you, Lassiter loses interest in his pet projects very quickly. Im in the big office because Ive proved myself to him year after year and nobody is going to come in here and start turning the old mans head. Especially not some tire salesman from New Jersey. So you watch yourself and stay away from Lassiter, and maybe, just maybe, Ill keep you on after he gets tired of you. Do we understand each other? Jack stands there, staring at Mintz, silent, expressionless. ALAN (CONTD) Do we?! Then, a broad smile from Jack. JACK God, you really are different, arent you... (nodding) I mean...wow...I am impressed. Now its Mintzs turn to look quizzical. JACK (CONTD) Good for you. Why shouldnt you protect whats yours. ALAN I dont think youre hearing me. JACK Oh, Im hearing you, Alan. Thats not the problem. The problem is that what you think is yours, is really mine. And I dont care how low on the totem pole I start, I will get it back... (poking him in the chest) So do yourself a favor and dont get too attached to that view because sometime soon, maybe very soon, you and your French country antiques, your chintz sofa, and your little play pen are gonna be moving out of that office. Jack smiles at Alan one more time, then turns... JACK (CONTD) Oh, and by the way, you try selling tires for a living. I promise you, youd starve. Jack heads down the corridor, whistling a happy tune, leaving Mintz standing there, bewildered. CHAPTER FOURTEEN - A PERFECT LIFE? CUT TO: 101 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT - DAY A double door opens and Jack leads Kate into this huge duplex. Kate looks around, taking the place in. JACK Welcome to Xanadu... The place is incredible...marble floors, architectural lines, high tech fixtures, elegant modern furniture... its striking but not at all homey like the Jersey house. JACK (CONTD) Pretty incredible, isnt it? KATE Its like a museum. Jack nods. KATE (CONTD) (turning to Jack) So whats the big surprise? You didnt rent this place for the weekend, did you? JACK Think bigger. KATE For the week? Jack chuckles. JACK This place is a perk, Kate. KATE A perk for what? JACK A company called P.K. Lassiter and Associates Investment House uses it to attract new executives... Kates confused. JACK (CONTD) Youre talking to their new Vice President of Mergers and Acquisitions. KATE What are you talking about, Jack? JACK Im going into arbitrage, honey. Turns out I have a knack for it. Ill be making two hundred grand a year plus a hefty bonus and thats just to start. And, we can live in this apartment practically rent free for as long as we want. Jack measures her reaction. Its not good... JACK (CONTD) We can finally afford to move back into the city. In style. Kate just looks at him, in shock. Then... KATE Are you out of your mind? JACK I dont think so. This is going to be a better life for all of us, honey. Well put Annie and Josh in private schools... KATE Annie goes to a great school. JACK Im talking about the best schools in the country here, Kate... KATE Jack, what could you possibly be thinking? What about my job? JACK This is New York City, its like the needy people capital of the world. Those Jersey clients of yours arent a tenth as pathetic as the ones you could get here... KATE (cutting him off) I cant believe you want to move back into the city. I thought the reason we left was because we didnt want to raise the kids here? JACK No, this is the center of the universe. If I were living in Roman times, I would live in Rome, where else? Today, America is the Roman Empire and New York is Rome itself. John Lennon. KATE (cutting him off) Jack. Jacks starting to struggle... JACK Look, Im detecting a kind of funky tension here...We dont have to live in this apartment. I dont need this...Ill commute...Ill drive to work... Jacks back on his heels...seeing his dream picked apart... KATE In traffic? Its over an hour each way? Thats almost three hours a day. When are you going to see the kids? Hes frustrated...he pauses a moment to gather himself. Then... JACK Kate. Youre not understanding me. Im talking about a great life. A perfect life. Everything we pictured when we were young. The whole package. You said it yourself, life has thrown us surprises, and so we made sacrifices. But now I can finally get us back on track... A sad chuckle from Kate. JACK (CONTD) I can do that. I want to do that. For all of us. I need to do that as a man... (imploring her) Think about it. No more lousy restaurants, no more clipping coupons, no more shoveling snow... KATE Then get a goddamn snow blower! Jacks taken aback by the intensity of her tone. KATE (CONTD) Dont get a new career without even telling me. Dont take Annie out of a school she loves. Dont move us out of a house weve become a family in... Kate stands there, wounded... KATE (CONTD) (quietly) Dont do that... JACK Look, youre making this into something its not. This isnt a referendum on our lives, Kate. Its a step forward... (appealing to her) Dont you see? Im talking about us finally having a life other people envy. Silence. Kate looks him in the eye a deep, piercing look... KATE They already do envy us, Jack... Kate picks up her bag and walks out of the apartment. 102 OMITTED 103 INT. ANNIES ROOM - NIGHT Annie is in a nightgown, practicing her violin. Jack walks in. Its all he can do to hold back cringing at the missed notes. Annie finishes the piece, lowering the bow. JACK Very nice. What is it? ANNIE Mary Had A Little Lamb. JACK Ah. A classic... Annie starts PLAYING again as Jack looks at the dresser. She has 20 or so family photos lined up and down its sides... Jack studies them...in every one Jacks face is totally contented. Jack studies them, looking at his own face. Annie lowers the bow, watching him... Jack turns to her. JACK (CONTD) Please dont stop... She smiles, then starts PLAYING again. He turns back to the pictures... 104 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, DEN - LATE Jack...standing in front of the desk, nursing a drink. He looks at Lassiters business card, sitting on the surface of the desk... He gazes around the room...his eyes coming to rest on a bookshelf...a book... He moves toward it...looking at its spine...its a tattered copy of Vonneguts Cats Cradle. He pulls it off the shelf, theres something inside...a bookmark... ...a PAN AM ticket jacket sleeve... ...inside...a boarding pass...From: London/Heathrow, To: New York/JFK, 10/4/87. He looks at it...somethings not right... JACK From London to New York...? (looking up) I came back... Then...a NOISE... Jack turns and sees Kate walking into the doorway, standing there...She sees Jack holding the Pan Am ticket sleeve. KATE Our finest moment, right... A quizzical look from Jack. KATE (CONTD) When you got on that plane I was sure it was over. I left the airport afraid Id never see you again. And then you showed up the very next day... (a wistful smile) That was a good surprise... She continues into the room, leaning against a bookshelf. KATE (CONTD) I think about you on that plane, about what must have been going through your mind...you sitting there imagining our life together, our life apart...I think about the decision you made... Jack watches her as she lets out a small sigh. KATE (CONTD) Maybe I was being naive but I believed wed grow old together in this house. That wed spend holidays here, have g randchildren visit us here. I had this image of us all grey and wrinkly, me working in the garden, you repainting the deck... Kate smiles gently as she pictures this. KATE (CONTD) Things change, right? People change... (pausing) If you need this, Jack, I mean really need this, I will take these children from a life they love, and take myself from the only home weve ever shared, and move wherever you need to go. Ill do that because I love you... The words are like a warm embrace for Jack... KATE (CONTD) I love you, Jack. And thats more important to me than our address... Kate smiles lovingly at Jack...she walks over to him, kisses him gently on the forehead. KATE (CONTD) I choose us. She turns and heads out of the room, leaving him there, the boarding pass still in hand, staring lovingly at her as she goes... 105 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack walks into the room... The lights are off, Kate already in bed sleeping. He undresses for bed, unable to take his eyes off Kate. Finally, he lifts the covers and climbs into bed next to her, moving closer to her, putting an arm around her, drawing her in... In her sleep, Kate nestles in Jacks embrace. He savors the feeling, then closes his eyes as... They lay there...side by side...together...a single person. DISSOLVE TO: 106 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING The morning light streams into the room. Kate opens her eyes. Jacks not in bed. A look of curiosity. Then, she hears LAUGHTER from outside. She goes over to the window...opens the blinds... revealing... Jack in the backyard, LAUGHING with joy, playing in the snow with Annie and Josh. Kate watches...a satisfied smile sweeping across her face... 107 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE BACKYARD - SAME TIME ...Jack reaches out and snags Annie...she CACKLES in delight... The three of them fall over onto the soft white snow... The laughter from the kids is uncontrollable, Jacks joy is just as palpable... Finally, Annie stops laughing and grabs Jack around the neck, hugging his tight. ANNIE (whispering in Jacks ear) I knew youd come back... DISSOLVE TO: 108 INT. GARAGE - NIGHT Jack walks over to a utility shelf, fishing around until he finds a bag of rock salt...he grabs it, sees its empty... And then he hears it...the sound of a BICYCLE BELL RINGING, echoing through the room. A shudder passes through his body... He turns and sees Annie at the open garage door, sitting on her bike, ringing the BELL. Its an eerie moment for Jack... JACK What are you doing? ANNIE (a curious look) Ringing my bell... On Jacks anxious face... 109 OMITTED CHAPTER FIFTEEN SAYING GOODBYE 110 INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT On Jack...crouched down in an aisle of this local convenience store...checking out the bags of rock salt... He looks at the price tag on one of the bags... JACK Four ninety nine?! Its just salt for gods sake... On the entrance to the store...the door opens, a YOUNG GIRL, 17, enters, an average suburban teenager... She glances at a fashion magazine, picks up a package of gum... From the POV of the cashier, we see the girl approach the counter... On Jack, crouched down in the aisle. He grabs a bag of salt from the shelf, when... CASH (O.S.) Thatll be sixty five cents, little angel... Jack registers the voice...he rises slowly, looking over to the front counter...where he sees... Cash, dressed in a typical chain convenience store uniform, ringing up the teenager... An excited smile from Jack at the sight of Cash... JACK You...! Then...the color drains from Jacks face... JACK (CONTD) What are you doing here... Jack moves toward Cash at the counter... JACK (CONTD) Youre not sending me back... The girl eyes Jack curiously, then removes a dollar bill from her pocket and slides it across the counter to Cash... CASH Jack, its good to see you... Cash reaches into the register, taking out change for ten dollars...he hands the girl $9.35... CASH (CONTD) (to the girl) Thank you darlin... The girl looks at the money, realizing that Cash has given her the wrong change... CASH (CONTD) (back to Jack, seeing the rock salt) What do you got there, rock salt? Look at you, all domestic and shit... You really figured some things out, huh? The girl looks at Cash talking to Jack... JACK Im not going back... The girl hesitates...Cash turns to her... CASH (to the girl) Everything okay...? She looks at him, a moment of decision, then... TEENAGE GIRL Yeah...fine. JACK (raising his voice) Hey! Did you hear me...?! Cash ignores Jack, watching the girl as she heads to the door, hesitates a moment, then walks out... A look of disappointment on Cashs face as he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a little notebook... Cash looks at Jack. CASH (making a note in his book) That was a character issue... (shaking his head) ...and for nine dollars? Thats just sad... JACK Hey, Im talking to you! I am not going back, do you understand...?! Cash looks at him, compassion on his face. JACK (CONTD) You cant do this. You cant keep coming in and out of peoples lives, messing things up... CASH Cmon, Jack... Jack throws six bucks on the counter... JACK Ive got kids, Im going home... CASH You know what the word glimpse means, J? Its by nature an impermanent thing. Jack walks determinedly toward the exit. He stops and turns at the door... JACK (pointing at Cash) Im staying. Cash follows him with his eyes, a proud look on Cashs face as Jack leaves... 111 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, JOSHS ROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack walks to Josh. Hes sleeping soundly. Jack gently kisses Josh on the head, careful not to wake him. 112 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE, ANNIES ROOM - LATE NIGHT Jack is standing over Annie, kissing her on the cheek. ANNIE (stirring, groggy) Is it morning yet? JACK No, honey. Go back to sleep. She closes her eyes as Jack stands there for a moment looking at her, sadness all over his face. JACK (CONTD) Take care of yourself, Annie. Im going back to the mother ship... Finally, he turns to go... 113 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT The clock reads, 11:17. Kate is already in bed as Jack walks in. KATE (looking up from her book) Hey... Jack approaches her, sitting on the bed... JACK These last weeks, Kate, I know that Ive done some...some unusual things. Kate nods. KATE Its been interesting, thats for sure. JACK But Ive done some good things too, havent I? KATE Youve been Jack Campbell. And thats always a good thing... She kisses him on the cheek. He takes her arms in his hands and looks her in the eyes. JACK I need you to remember me, Kate. How I am right now, right this very moment. I need you to put that image in your heart and keep it with you, no matter what happens. KATE Are you okay, Jack? JACK Please, just promise me youll do that. You have to promise, Kate. Because if you dont, then its like it never happened and I dont think I could live with that. Shes a bit confused but she couldnt be more in love with him. KATE I promise, Jack... JACK Promise me again... KATE I promise. Come to bed, honey. Jack stands up, heading toward the door. JACK Soon... 114 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE NIGHT Snow begins to fall... Jack with Lucy on a leash, walking side by side, his mind elsewhere... Lucy leads him around a corner...to a large open field... Lucy stops. She looks back at Jack, then out to the open field. Jack removes the leash. The dog bounds happily out into the field, looking for just the right spot. Jack puts his hands in his coat pocket...pulls out a half-eaten roll of PEPPERMINT LIFESAVERS, puts one in his mouth... He looks up at the sky, snow gently falling onto his face. Its cold, but its beautiful...peaceful and still...the air clean and crisp... He breathes in the fresh air, the Lifesaver dissolving in his mouth, watching the dog... 115 INT. CAMPBELL HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT The room is dark... Jack enters, sees Kate sleeping soundly in bed. He sits down in a chair and watches Kate asleep, a sad look in his eyes... As he continues to watch her, to listen to her, his own eyelids appear to grow heavy... He tries to fight the sleep...opening his eyes... focusing on her...but its no use... Finally, he closes his eyes...falling into a deep sleep... CHAPTER SIXTEEN THE OLD LIFE DISSOLVE TO: 116 INT. JACKS APARTMENT, BEDROOM - MORNING A PHONE RINGING Jack, flat on his back in bed...Light streams onto his face ...he stirs... THE PHONE STILL RINGING... Jack reaches over to Kates side...theres no one there. Pull back to reveal...his old Manhattan apartment... his old dressy clothes strewn on the floor... Jack, sleep still in his eyes, reaches over...hes not wearing any pajamas...picks up the phone... JACK (groggy, dazed) Yeah...okay, send her up... He drops the phone...turns back over...lets his eyes stay closed for another moment...then... His eyes open... He looks around...sees his shirtless torso...then his old apartment...tailored clothes on the floor. JACK (CONTD) (sadly) Damnit. Jack looks at the clock, 9:23 a.m. He gets out of bed, throwing on pants and a pair of shoes, and leaves the room... 117 INT. JACKS APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ...Jack walks to the door just as... The doorbell RINGS. He stops, then cautiously opens the door, seeing... PAULA, wearing a long overcoat and a wide smile on her face. PAULA Waiting for me by the door, huh? Jack looks at her. JACK Paula... Paula opens her coat the only thing she has on underneath is a sexy little teddy. JACK (CONTD) (momentarily distracted) Thats totally see through... PAULA (smiling) Merry Christmas... JACK (confused) Christmas? It cant be Christmas... Jack stares at her, totally confused... PAULA (lasciviously) Its whatever you want it to be, Jack... Jack grabs a leather jacket then walks right by a shocked Paula and heads out the door, practically running down the corridor. PAULA (CONTD) Jack?...Jack! CUT TO: 118 EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE - MORNING Jacks Ferrari speeds down the bridge, toward Jersey... 119 EXT. CAMPBELL HOUSE - MORNING Jacks Ferrari pulls up in the driveway and he hops out. He races to the front door, POUNDING on it... A MAN in a Van Heusen shirt and Hagar slacks answers. Jack stares at him in shock. MAN Can I help you? JACK Is Kate here? Does Kate live here?! MAN Kate? No, theres no one here named Kate. Is that good enough for you? Jack starts rapping his head against the door post, much to the shock of the guy standing there. JACK Damn...damn...damn... MAN Hey, are you okay? JACK No...Im not... MAN Is there anything I can do for you? Jack shakes his head mournfully. MAN (CONTD) Hey, my wifes in the kitchen. You got a cigarette? JACK Im sorry, no... Jack walks off, beleaguered... 120 EXT. ARNIES HOUSE - MINUTES LATER Jacks car drives by as Arnie carries a bicycle box out to the garbage. The car screeches to a halt in front of the driveway. ARNIE (shouting at Jack) Hey, you cant park that thing here. JACK (out the window) Its me, Jack... ARNIE I dont care if youre Tim Allen with your fancy car and all your tools, you still cant park here. JACK Tell me you recognize me, Arnie. Please... ARNIE Howd you know my name? JACK We bowl together. Were bowlers ...we won a championship...were winners. ARNIE I never won anything in bowling. Arnie peers at Jack through the window. ARNIE (CONTD) Wait a second... (thinking) Jack...Jack... JACK Yes...Jack Campbell... ARNIE Of course. Jack Campbell. I went to high school with you...you played baseball, right? (at the Ferrari) Youre doing well... JACK (remembering) Yes, thats it...yes, we went to high school together. ARNIE You never really talked to me. I wanted to talk to you, man... JACK Yeah...I guess I just wanted you to know, we couldve been really good friends... 120A INT. FERRARI - DAY Jack driving...a CELL PHONE RINGS. A curious look on Jacks face, its been a while since hes heard that sound. JACK (answering phone) Hello? ADELLE (O.S.) Hey Santa, where are you? Everybodys here. JACK Adelle? ADELLE (O.S.) You were supposed to be here half an hour ago...the emergency strategy session? Your trip to Aspen? Theyre all panicked here... Silence from Jack... ADELLE (CONTD, O.S.) Jack...? Are you going through the tunnel? Finally, Jack shakes his head, defeated. JACK Ill be there in twenty minutes... CUT TO: 121 INT. LASSITER BUILDING, CONFERENCE ROOM - NOON TIME Its a beehive of activity... Jacks TEAM, anxiously going over reports and flow charts, working the phones, drinking coffee... Jack enters, still reeling from his experience, taking a moment to observe the action... Mintz spots him... ALAN (into phone) Thank god, Jacks here. Ill call you right back... He hangs up the phone as all eyes in the room turn to Jack, immediately fixating on how disheveled he looks. ALAN (CONTD) (approaching) Jack, are you okay? JACK (in a daze) Whats going on here? ALAN Its not good. Bob Thomas has secretly been talking to a European drug company. Were not sure which one, Julias on it right now. Word is theyre willing to let him buy a minority stake and keep running the entire company. The Global people are up in arms. They say we shouldve been prepared for this. Were in trouble here, Jack... Jack looks at Alan for a minute. JACK You know something, Alan. Theres a much more assertive person somewhere inside of you... Alan looks at him, confused. ALAN Excuse me? JACK But I think I like you better this way... ALAN Is this another one of those Sun Tzu Art of War tricks? A sad laugh from Jack. JACK No. ALAN So what are we gonna do, Jack? Jack wallows for another moment in his own sadness... ALAN (CONTD) Jack...? Jack snaps out of it, turning to Alan and the rest of the group... JACK Ill tell you exactly what were going to do. Youre going to do whatever you have to do to find out which European company hes been talking to. Then Im going to clean myself up, fly to Aspen, and drink egg nog with Bob Thomas. His wife and kids will be playing in the background while I spend Christmas day convincing him that the European company is the devil and Global is the answer to his prayers, after all... (growing wistful) Then Im going to spend four hours skiing. Alone. On Christmas day. Completely and utterly alone. Im going to do that because that is my life, that is whats real, and there is nothing I can do to change that... Jack leaves the office to the shocked stares of his team. 122 EXT. BROADWAY - DAY Jacks limo makes its way downtown. 123 INT. LIMO - SAME TIME Jack in the back seat of the limo, sadly looking out the window, watching the buildings pass by... He turns away, looks at the phone...haltingly picks it up... JACK (dialing 411) For Manhattan...Kate Reynolds...I need an address too... Jack jots something down on a business card. Then he hangs up the phone, thinks a moment, looks out the window, then turns to the driver... JACK (CONTD) Make a right here... DRIVER But the airports the other way... JACK Were not going to the airport... CUT TO: 123A EXT. KATES BUILDING - DAY Jacks limo pulls up outside this house on Washington Mews... Jack gets out... 124 INT. EAST SIDE APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY - AFTERNOON Jack stands outside an apartment door. He hears The Clashs London Calling BLARING from inside. He rings the bell...the volume of the music gets lower... Kates assistant, LORI, 20s, opens the door...Jack exchanges a curious look with her. LORI Are you from the shipping company? JACK Im Jack Campbell...Im an old... friend of Kates. I just called. The woman looks at him, then walks back inside... LORI (O.S.) Kate! Some guys here! Beat. Jack waits anxiously at the door. Then... KATE (O.S) (to Lori) Did you call the airline like I asked?! Jacks eyes come alive as Kate appears wearing jeans and a white blouse...except for her hair, she looks the same. JACK Kate... KATE Jack...God, its been so long...You look... She searches for a kind word, but he looks terrible. JACK You look great. KATE Its good to see you... She looks at him another moment, then turns... KATE (CONTD) (yelling inside) Lori! Wheres that box?! Kate walks inside, Jack follows her in sheepishly. 125 INT. KATES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS ...Jack accidentally knocks into a stack of boxes, sending a GLASS CANDY DISH CRASHING to the floor, SHATTERING it... JACK (bending down) I'm sorry... KATE Dont worry about it, Jack... Jack looks up at...a beehive of activity Lori on the phone, boxes stacked everywhere, TWO MOVERS packing up... JACK Whats going on? KATE (searching around) Im moving to Paris...it was right here... (to Lori) Its a box marked Jack. I put it in the stack for the Salvation Army... JACK Paris? LORI (to Kate, with attitude) Do you want me to look for the box or call the airline? KATE Hey, kind of under a little pressure here. LORI Hey, kind of giving up Christmas day for my ex-boss here. Jack watches this back and forth. KATE You didnt seem to mind offering to help me on Christmas day when you were unwrapping that Prada bag I gave you. LORI Maybe its by the wardrobe boxes... Kate heads over to some tall wardrobe boxes. JACK Youre moving... KATE Uh huh. To Paris. My firm has an office there and Im going to be heading it up. JACK (stunned) To Paris. Paris, France. KATE (searching the boxes) Thats the one... JACK So youre not at a non- profit firm? KATE (a chuckle) Not with what they pay me... JACK Youre not married, are you? KATE No, Jack, I never got married. You? JACK Not exactly... (looking around) Can we just take a minute here? Maybe get a cup of coffee or something...? LORI (yelling) Ill go for a cup of coffee! KATE Yes! A relieved smile from Jack... KATE (CONTD) I found it! LORI Congratulations. The La Guardia flights canceled but I got you out of Kennedy on United at nine. Am I good or what? Jacks smile disappears as Kate hands him a sealed box marked, Jack... KATE Here you go. Its just some old things of yours... Jack stands here, looking at the box, then at Kate... JACK Do you ever think about us, Kate? About what might have happened...? A bemused LAUGH from Kate. Then she sees hes not laughing... KATE Youre serious... A nod from Jack... KATE (CONTD) Ill tell you what, Jack, if youre ever in Paris, look me up. Maybe well go for that cup of coffee. One of the movers passes by Jack carrying a box... Jack looks at Kate, flush with the realization that this isnt the same woman he knew thirteen years ago, or left yesterday. JACK Sure. Goodbye, Kate. He leaves... CUT TO: 126 INT. JACKS APARTMENT - EVENING A scratchy Zeppelin album, the song All Of My Love, fills the room. Jack, a fifth of Bushmills by his side, goes through the box Kate gave him. He removes a worn leather jacket, feeling the soft material, then a Mondale for President button, which Jack smiles upon seeing, a couple Neil Young concert ticket stubs... He puts the leather jacket on, then sticks the Mondale button on the lapel. He digs back into the box, finding... A messy, dog-eared copy of Cats Cradle...not the one Kate gave him at the airport, the one she replaced... Jack looks at it for a moment...lost in his sadness... then... He looks over at the clock, it reads, 8:29. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN ONE LAST TRY CUT TO: 127 EXT. VAN WYCK EXPRESSWAY - NIGHT Jack in his Ferrari, racing down the highway at 120 MPH... He looks at the clock, it reads, 8:46. He opens up the throttle... 128 EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT, UNITED TERMINAL - MINUTES LATER Snow is falling as Jacks car races up to the terminal then stops. He jumps out. An AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD sees him... AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD Hey, you cant leave that there! Jack runs into the terminal, ignoring the guard... 129 INT. UNITED TERMINAL - SECONDS LATER Jack looking at the board. The nine oclock to Paris - Gate 8A. Jack sprints toward the gate... 130 INT. UNITED TERMINAL, GATE AREA - SECONDS LATER ...and gets there just as the flight is boarding. Jack looks through the crowd, spotting Kate near the front of the line, about to hand her ticket to the gate attendant. He pushes through the throng of people, drawing some annoyed stares, finally making his way over to Kate. JACK (calling out) Kate! Kate turns and sees Jack, a look of puzzlement on her face. JACK (CONTD) You cant go! KATE Jesus, Jack... JACK Dont get on that plane! KATE Jack. JACK Please. Lets just go have a cup of coffee. Thats all Im asking for. Im sure theres another flight to Paris tonight. KATE What do you want from me? You want me to tell you everything that happened was okay? Jack just stands there, unsure... KATE (CONTD) Well it is. Yes, I was heartbroken ...But I got over it. I moved on. People change, Jack. I changed. I dont know why you suddenly feel the need to revisit that time in our lives but I assure you, its over... Kate turns her back to Jack, leaving him standing there... He watches her walk to the podium, realizing shes right... He sees Kate reach the podium...hand her ticket to the attendant... Finally, a look of determination crosses his face... JACK (at Kate) We have a house in Jersey! Kate turns to him with a look that could kill. KATE Dont do this, Jack... But he continues... JACK We have two kids, Annie and Josh... ...Kate looks at him, half-mortified, half- interested... JACK (CONTD) ...Annies not much of a violin player but she tries really hard. Shes a little precocious but thats only because she says whats on her mind. And when she smiles... Jack shakes his head, remembering, fighting back the tears... JACK (CONTD) And Josh...he has your eyes. He doesnt say much but we know hes smart... (lost in the memory) ...hes always got his eyes open, always watching us... sometimes you can look at him and just know that hes learning something new... its like witnessing a miracle... Kates expression has sifted from annoyance to curiosity. JACK (CONTD) ...the house is a mess, but its ours... (chuckling) ...well, after a hundred twenty two more payments it will be... Jack begins walking slowly toward Kate...the world of the airport going on around him, Jack not caring... JACK (CONTD) And you...youre a non- profit lawyer. Thats right, completely non-profit. But that doesnt seem to bother you... Kate raises an eyebrow. Its something shes thought about. JACK (CONTD) And were in love. After thirteen years of marriage were still unbelievably in love... (with a chuckle) You wont even let me touch you until Ive said it... Jack gets closer and closer...Kates spellbound now... imagining the picture Jacks painting... JACK (CONTD) ...I sing to you...not all the time but definitely on special occasions... Jack walks into a piece of carry-on luggage sitting by a row of passengers... JACK (CONTD) (off hand, to passenger) Excuse me... (to Kate) We made a lot of sacrifices, dealt with our share of surprises, but we stayed together... Jacks nearly there... JACK (CONTD) You see, youre a better person than I am... Not in this life, and Kate knows it... JACK (CONTD) ...and it made me a better person to be around you... Kate is perfectly still, Jacks words echoing in her ears. JACK (CONTD) Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and imagined it all. But I swear, nothings ever felt more real to me... Hes right in front of her. She cant take her eyes off him. JACK (CONTD) And if you get on that plane right now, itll disappear forever. Silence. Jack and Kate in their own little world...airport business going on around them... JACK (CONTD) I know we can both go on with our lives. And wed both be fine. But Ive seen what we can be like together...And I choose us... Jacks words resonate in her ears. He gently touches a hand to her arm... JACK (CONTD) Please, Kate, one cup of coffee. You can always go to Paris. Just please, not tonight... She stands there, frozen, staring into Jacks eyes, searching for the answer. KATE Okay, Jack... DISSOLVE TO: 131 INT. AIRPORT - LATE NIGHT Jack and Kate, framed in the window of a nearly empty airport coffee shop...through the window, we see snow falling outside. From a distance we see them...TALKING and LAUGHING over a cup of coffee... FADE OUT.

FANTASTIC MR. FOX Written by Roald Dahl, Wes Anderson & Noah Baumbach March 4, 2007 EXT. WOODS. DAY An apple tree stands alone at the top of a hill. A handsome fox dressed in an Edwardian-style navy velvet suit leans against it with his arms folded and his legs crossed, chewing on a reed of wild grass. He holds an apple core in his paw. He spits out a seed. He looks off across a meadow that descends into the valley below. A female fox strides briskly up the hill. Her coat is a paler, especially beautiful shade of fox-red, and she wears men's trousers and a dark tunic. Fox says as she approaches: FOX What'd the doctor say? MRS. FOX Nothing. Supposedly, it's just a twenty- four hour bug. He gave me some pills. FOX (REASSURINGLY) I told you. You probably just ate some bad gristle. Fox brushes the fur on Mrs. Fox's ears with his paws. They walk together along the crest of the hill to a fork in the path. Fox points: FOX Should we take the short cut or the scenic route? MRS. FOX Let's take the short cut. FOX But the scenic route is so much prettier. MRS. FOX (SHRUGS) OK, let's take the scenic route. FOX Great. It's actually slightly quicker, anyway. Fox throws his apple core away over his shoulder and dances a quick circle around Mrs. Fox, wrapping his arm around her waist extravagantly and making her laugh as they start off down the scenic route. 2. EXT. FARM. DAY A rustic cottage surrounded by a small barn, a tin silo, and a rickity windmill. There is a sheep in a little pasture. A sign on a rail says Berkus Squab. Fox and Mrs. Fox watch from the bushes outside a fence. MRS. FOX What is a squab? FOX You know what a squab is. It's like a pigeon, I suppose. Anyway, it's a type of bird we can eat. Fox motions toward the edge of the property. FOX Should we go through the hole under the horse fence or climb the rail over the bridle path? MRS. FOX Well, I guess the horse fence would be a little safer. FOX But the bridle path puts us out right next to the squab shack. Mrs. Fox hesitates. She fiddles with her paws. She nods nervously. She shakes slightly. Fox looks at her funny. FOX What's wrong? I've never seen you like this. You're acting all skittish. Don't worry. I've been stealing birds for a living since before I could trot. MRS. FOX (SHRUGS) OK, let's take the -- FOX No, we'll do the horse fence. You gave me the scenic route already. Fox flashes a smile. He says suddenly: FOX By the way, you look unbelievably beautiful tonight. You're practically glowing. Maybe it's the lighting. 3. Mrs. Fox is, in fact, glowing, albeit ever so slightly. She stares at Fox enigmatically. Fox touches his paw to her cheek. (NOTE: an alternate version of Mrs. Fox will be used for this shot which can be literally lit from within.) With the speed, grace, and precision of athletes, Fox and Mrs. Fox: dart through a hole under a painted fence; race along a thin trail next to a garage; crawl beneath a window where a blonde woman serves an early dinner, dealing hamburgers like playing cards to three little, blond children; creep past a doghouse where a golden retriever sleeps with an airline sleeping mask over his eyes; and shimmy over a doorway outside a workshop where a blond, bearded farmer hacks into a stump with a hatchet, completely pulverizing it into sawdust. They arrive in front of a wooden shed. Fox whistles sharply with a half-chirp and performs a rapid reverse-flip with a flourish. Fox lifts a loose board. He looks to Mrs. Fox and puts his finger to his lips for her to be quiet. She shrugs impatiently. They duck inside. They come back out. Each holds a dead, bloody pigeon in his/her teeth. They start to run away. Fox looks up above them. He stops. He frowns. He takes the pigeon out of his mouth and says curiously, pointing toward the sky: FOX What's that? I think that's a fox-trap! Look at this. MRS. FOX Get away from there. FOX Is it spring-loaded? Yeah... (pointing to different spots) I guess if you come from over there, and you're standing at the door to the squab shack, this little gadget probably triggers the -- (gesturing to Mrs. Fox) Move out of the way, darling. That's right where it's going to land. Mrs. Fox runs back to Fox and tugs at his arm. MRS. FOX Come on! Stop it! Let's go! 4. Fox pulls on a little, hanging wire. A chain unrolls rapidly from a pulley, and a steel cage falls slap down on top of them. A small tag on the base of it says Badoit et Fils. Fox and Mrs. Fox stand motionless, side by side, in disbelief. FOX No, it just falls straight down right here, doesn't it? I guess it's not spring- loaded. Sounds come from around the farm: the dog barks, doors open, voices yell, lights come on. Mrs. Fox turns to Fox and says QUIETLY: MRS. FOX I'm pregnant. Fox stares at Mrs. Fox. He is confused but moved. FOX Wow. We're going to have a cub. Honey, that's great news! MRS. FOX If we're still alive tomorrow morning, I want you to find another line of work. Pause. Fox nods. CUT TO: A wide shot of the entire valley. There are thick woods, green and yellow fields, two ponds, a small village, and a river running through the middle. TITLE: 2 YEARS LATER ( 12 Fox-Years) EXT. HOLE. DAY The entrance to a tunnel under a dirt mound covered with holly bushes. INT. HOLE. DAY A small, comfortable kitchen off a living room with two bedrooms behind it. Fox sits at the kitchen table reading a newspaper called the Gazette. His fur has gone grey at the temples, and he now wears a dark, double-breasted, pin- striped suit with a conservative necktie. Mrs. Fox stands at the counter-top stirring something in a bowl with a whisk. 5. She is dressed in a paint-splattered, cream-colored, Victorian-style dress. INSERT: A column in the newspaper with Fox's picture at the top of it. The caption reads: Fox about Town with Fantastic Mr. Fox. FOX Does anybody actually read my column? Do your friends ever talk about it? MRS. FOX (STILL STIRRING) Of course. In fact, Rabbit's ex- girlfriend just said to me last week, "I should read Foxy's column," but they don't get the Gazette. (yelling into the next room) Ash! Let's get cracking! FOX Why would they? It's a rag-sheet. (SIGHS) I want to say I hate my job, but that would make it seem more important to me than I want people to think it is. Mrs. Fox puts down her bowl and starts slicing a loaf of bread. A small, narrow fox cub comes out of one of the bedrooms wearing white pants and no shirt. His hair is smashed all onto one side sticking up wrong. He is Ash. ASH I'm sick. MRS. FOX You're not sick. ASH I have a temperature. Mrs. Fox goes quickly over to Ash and puts her paw to his forehead. MRS. FOX You don't have a temperature. Ash turns away and says as he goes back into his bedroom: ASH I don't want to go. 6. MRS. FOX Hurry up. You're going to be late. Mrs. Fox goes back into the kitchen and starts making toast and coffee. Fox whispers to her: FOX I love the way you handled that. Mrs. Fox looks at Fox sideways. She says loudly to Ash: MRS. FOX Your cousin Kristofferson's coming first thing tomorrow morning. I want you to be extra nice to him, because he's going through a very hard time right now, OK? Ash comes back out of his bedroom. He now wears a white cardigan and white socks with his white pants tucked into them. He says aggressively: ASH Where's he going to sleep? MRS. FOX We're going to make a bed for him in your room tonight. ASH I can't spare the space. Put him in Dad's study. Fox says without looking up from his newspaper: FOX Dad's study is occupied by Dad. Ash goes back into his bedroom. Fox lowers his newspaper. He looks around the room. He says to Mrs. Fox: FOX I don't want to live in a hole anymore. It makes me feel poor. Mrs. Fox stops buttering the toast. She looks to Fox and says SOFTLY: MRS. FOX We are poor -- but we're happy. Fox twists his paw in the air, indicating: 7. FOX Comme-ci, comme-ga. Anyway, the views are better above ground. Mrs. Fox nods. She brings Fox a plate of toast and a cup of coffee. Fox takes her paw and says: FOX I'm seven non-fox-years old now. My father died at seven and a half. I don't want to live in a hole anymore, and I'm going to do something about it. Fox kisses Mrs. Fox's paw. He suddenly eats three slices of toast in a second and a half, savagely but neatly. He stands and picks up his cup of coffee. FOX Well, I'm off. Fox throws back the last of his coffee, kisses Mrs. Fox on the back of her neck, grabs his briefcase, tucks his newspaper under his arm, and walks to the door. He shouts CHEERILY: FOX Have a good day, my darlings! Ash comes out the bedroom again. He has now added a white cape to his ensemble and is in the middle of brushing his teeth. There is toothpaste all over his mouth. He waves briefly to Fox and goes back into his bedroom. Fox looks puzzled. FOX What's he wearing? Mrs. Fox shrugs. She smiles sadly and waves to Fox. Fox waves back. He starts to go out but pauses to look down at a folded up section of his newspaper. INSERT: A clipping from the real estate section. There is a photograph of a wide, sprawling beech tree at the top of a hill. A caption below it reads: Tree Living, Great Views, Classic Beech INT. TREE. DAY A door opens into a wide, low space with peeling paint. There is an old chair against the wall, a bare light bulb hanging 8. from the ceiling, and a layer of dust over everything. A skinny weasel in a khaki outfit immediately starts in as Fox comes into the living room: WEASEL Obviously, it's first growth, indigenous. Original dirt floor, good bark, skipping stone hearth -- Weasel is interrupted by a loud banging clank. He and Fox peer into the next room. A heavy-set opossum with a cowlick tinkers with some pipes under the kitchen sink. He is Kylie. Weasel snaps at him: WEASEL What'd I tell you? I'm showing the property. You're not supposed to be here. KYLIE (checking his watch) Oh, cuss. What time is it? I'm sorry. Weasel sighs. He waves his arm in Kylie's direction and says distractedly, slightly annoyed: WEASEL This is Kylie. He's the super. (aside to Fix) He's a little -- Weasel makes a fluttering gesture with his paw. Fox nods. He points at a bucket on the floor next to Kylie among bolts, tools, and washers. FOX What's in the bucket, Mr. Kylie? KYLIE (HESITATES) Just minnows. You want one? FOX Certainly. Thank you. Kylie reaches into his bucket and hands Fox a live, wriggling minnow. Fox swallows it whole. Fox stares out the window at three sprawling poultry compounds in the distance. Black smoke pours out of a farmhouse chimney on each property. A sign on a water tower in the first compound reads Boggis Farms and has a picture of a chicken on it. A sign on a silo in the second compound reads Bunce Industries and has a picture of a goose on it. A sign on a windmill in the third compound reads Bean, inc. 9. (since 1976) and has a picture of a turkey with an apple on it. Weasel says pointedly from across the room: WEASEL May I ask what you do for a living, Mr. Fox? Fox's eyes narrow as he looks out, entranced, with his mouth slightly open. He says almost inaudibly: FOX I used to steal birds, but now I'm a newspaper man. WEASEL (PLEASED) Oh, sure. I've seen your by-line. Fox snaps out of his reverie and says suddenly: FOX Good afternoon, gentlemen. Fox shakes hands abruptly with Weasel and starts across the room. Weasel is about to ask something when Fox stops in the doorway, looks back, and says: FOX Oh, and Kylie -- thank you for the minnow. It was superb. Kylie smiles. Fox exits. EXT. RIVER. DAY A beaver dam across a bend in a fast stream. A still pond sits above it. There is an entrance tunnel tucked beneath a rock. INT. BEAVER DAM. DAY A large room of twig, stick, and mud construction. A card on the door reads Badger, Beaver, and Stoat, L.L.P, Attorneys at Law. An anxious badger sits at his desk reviewing some documents. Fox paces the floor with his hands clasped behind his back. BADGER Don't buy this tree, Foxy. You're borrowing at nine and a half, which stinks like cuss, plus moving into the most dangerous neighborhood in the (MORE) 10. BADGER (CONT'D) country for someone of your type of species. FOX You're exaggerating, Badger. BADGER (YELLING) Bull-cuss! I'm sugar-coating it, man! This is Boggis, Bunce, and Bean! Three of the meanest, nastiest, ugliest farmers in the history of this valley! An uneasy otter secretary peers in at them from the outer office. Fox looks intrigued. FOX Really? Tell me about them. Silence. Badger sighs. He loosens his tie and settles in. BADGER All right... CUT TO: A fat man with a huge moustache. He wears a tweed suit which stretches at the buttons so much that they look like they are about to snap off. He holds a carbine rifle. He stands in front of his farm, which contains row upon row of chicken houses. He has an ugly face. He is Boggis. BADGER (V.0.) Walter Boggis is a chicken farmer. Probably the most successful in the world. INT. BOGGIS' KITCHEN. DAY Boggis sits at a chopping block tearing into a boiled chicken with a fork and a meat cleaver. BADGER (V.0.) He's unbelievably fat -- which maybe is genetic -- but he also eats three boiled chickens smothered with dumplings every day for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dessert. That's twelve in total, per diem. INSERT: 11. Boggis' ear. Furry black and white hairs grow out of it. A fly buzzes around, lands on it, and crawls inside. Boggis sticks his pinky in after it and scratches. BADGER (V.0.) He never takes a bath, as a result of which his ear holes are clogged with all kinds of muck and wax and bits of chewing gum and dead flies and so on. CUT TO: A short, overweight man with one slightly wandering eye. He wears overalls and a cap. He holds a twelve-gauge shotgun. He stands in front of his farm, which consists of several long buildings in rows like a factory. He has a nasty face. He is Bunce. BADGER (V.0.) Nathan Bunce is a duck and goosefarmer. He owns about 2 million ducksand 500,000 geese. You might say he's kind ofa pot- bellied dwarf of some kind. EXT. SWIMMING POOL. DAY Bunce stands up to his nose in water. The depth reads 4FT. BADGER (V.0.) He's so short his chin would probably be under water in the shallow end of any swimming pool on the planet. INT. BUNCE'S KITCHEN. DAY Bunce sits on two stacked telephone books on a chair. He guts a dead goose, cutting out its liver and mashing it with a fork. A plate of doughnuts cools on the table. BADGER (V.0.) He eats only doughnuts with smashed-up goose livers injected into them. CUT TO: A tall, skinny man in a long trench-coat. He holds a Luger pistol. He stands in front of his farm, which is an apple orchard that stretches over thousands of acres. He has a mean face. He is Bean. BADGER (V.0.) Franklin Bean is a turkey and apple farmer. He keeps his birds in an orchard (MORE) 12. BADGER (V.0.) (cont'd) where they run around squawking and gobbling, surrounded by apples. Bean aims his Luger and shoots a humming bird. Crazy turkeys run about among the trees. INT. BEAN'S SHED. DAY Bean works at a moonshine-type cider still, boiling chemicals and sipping from a bottle. BADGER (V.0.) He's probably anorexic, because he never eats anything. He's on a liquid diet of strong, alcoholic cider, which he makes from his apples. He's as skinny as a pencil, as smart as a whip -- and easily the biggest cusshole I've ever met in my life. CUT TO: Fox and Badger in Badger's office. BADGER In summation, I think you just got to not do it, man. That's all. FOX I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm going to ignore your advice. Badger leaps out of his chair and slams the office door. He points his finger at Fox and screams: BADGER The cuss you are! FOX (IN DISBELIEF) The cuss am I? Fox jumps up and points back at Badger, screaming: FOX Don't cussing point at me! BADGER (SCREAMING) Are you cussing with me? 13. FOX (SCREAMING) Do I look like I'm cussing with you? Fox and Badger begin to snarl and snap savagely, knocking into the furniture as they circle around the room pointing in each other's faces. Suddenly, they calm down all at once, sighing deeply. Pause. FOX One last thing: something's probably about to happen to me at work which I can't put my finger on but have a funny feeling about. How can I protect myself legally? BADGER (PAUSE) Are you about to get fired? FOX (SHRUGS) Slash quit. CUT TO: A door with a frosted glass window. Letters painted on it read Gazette, Editor-in-Chief, Phillip Squirrel. Fox's silhouette stands across from that of a small squirrel sitting at a desk. The squirrel's silhouette says in a GRAVELLY VOICE: SQUIRREL You're fired. FOX Slash I quit. Here's my letter of resignation. Fox's silhouette throws an envelope onto the squirrel's desk. MONTAGE: Two muskrats in orange moving company uniforms unloads boxes and furniture from a wagon and carries them into the tree. Fox holds open the front door and barks orders at them. Two muskrats in white painter's uniforms paints the walls of the living room and the trim around the windows with rollers and brushes. Fox stands on the drop-cloth and barks orders at them. 14. Two muskrats in blue electrician's uniforms work in the kitchen. Mrs. Fox watches over their shoulders and barks orders at them. Fox holds up a pair of flowered curtains in front of a window. He looks to Mrs. Fox. She stares at the curtains thoughtfully. She raises an eyebrow. Fox and Mrs. Fox sit in the windowsill looking out at the sunset. Ash stands in-between them. The flowered curtains wave in the breeze. Fox puffs on a pipe. Ash blows a soap bubble. Mrs. Fox puts out her paw and a butterfly lands on it. She smiles at Fox. He puts his arm around her. He raises a pair of binoculars to his eyes. INSERT: A binocular shot of an industrial shack with Boggis Chicken House #1 stencilled on the front of it. Fox lowers the binoculars. His eyes sparkle. EXT. TREE. DAY Ash stands poised on a high branch over an inflatable swimming pool printed with a red-tartan plaid pattern. He wears over-sized swim trunks with a pattern of acorns printed on them. Fox sits in the grass eating an apple below with Mrs. Fox. She is painting at an easel. Ash yells: ASH Watch this, Dad! Fox looks up. Ash leaps into the air and does a spectacularly awkward back-flip during which he appears to have four arms and three legs randomly attached to his body, flailing wildly. He hits the water by the side of his head and smacks into the surface back-first with a pained yelp. Fox grimaces. He claps mildly. (NOTE: an alternate version of Ash with four arms and three legs randomly attached to his body will be used for this stunt.) FOX Good jump, Ash! Remember to keep your tail tucked! Fox looks at Mrs. Fox's canvas. It is a picture of the pond and landscape in severe weather with black clouds and lightning bolts. It is signed Felicity Fox. Fox raises an eyebrow. 15. FOX Still painting thunderstorms, I see. Fox sees a small, Samsonite suitcase on the ground next to a pair of yellow sneakers. He frowns. FOX Whose suitcase is that? A boy's voice shouts from the high tree branch: KRISTOFFERSON Hello, everyone! Good afternoon! Fox, Mrs. Fox, and Ash look up, surprised. A second Fox cub stands poised on the edge of the limb. He is taller, leaner, sleeker, and it is immediately apparent even by his posture infinitely more graceful than Ash. He is Kristofferson. He wears a professional Speedo with a patch on it that says Swim Team. Fox brightens. FOX Kristofferson! Welcome to our little tree! I see you brought your swimming trunks! Kristofferson steps off the branch and performs a reserved but perfect jack-knife. He enters the water splashlessly. Fox leaps to his feet, applauding with his paws above his head, whistling and hollering: FOX Look at that! This kid's a natural! I'm speechless, Kristofferson! Kristofferson smiles modestly and shrugs. Ash stares at him stonily. Fox turns to Mrs. Fox. FOX Plus, he knows karate. INT. LIVING ROOM. EVENING Fox sits in his armchair reading the Gazette. Ash sits on a braided rug on the floor beside him reading a comic book called The Adventures of White Cape. On the cover, there is a picture of a ferret leaping off a motorcycle. Mrs. Fox is in the kitchen in the background flattening a hunk of dough with a rolling pin. Kristofferson is in the next room practicing tae-kwon-do. He wears khaki shorts, yellow sneakers, and a blue, short-sleeved, button-down shirt. 16. ASH Do you think I'm an athlete? FOX (without looking up) What are you talking about? ASH Well, you know, I think I'm an athlete, and sometimes I feel like you guys don't see me that way. FOX What's the sub-text here? Ash thinks for a minute. He looks at Kristofferson in the next room. Kristofferson is now sitting Indian-style on the floor meditating. His paws are turned upward with his thumbs touching his index fingers forming a ring. Ash says loudly to Mrs. Fox in the kitchen: ASH How long is Kristofferson supposed to stay with us? MRS. FOX Until your uncle gets better. ASH Right, but roughly how long do we plan to give him on that? Double-pneumonia isn't even really that big of a deal, is it? In the background, Kristofferson stands up again and starts practicing violent karate kicks. Mrs. Fox leans into the doorway and whispers forcefully: MRS. FOX As a matter of fact, it is. He's lucky to be alive. Now -- ASH Right, but -- Kristofferson yells suddenly as he does a spinning double- kick with a chop: KRISTOFFERSON Ki-ya! Everyone looks startled. Kristofferson resumes his tae-kwon- do practice with an angry, wounded look on his face. Mrs. Fox SAYS COLDLY: 17. MRS. FOX Lower your voice, Ash. EXT. TREE. NIGHT Fox and Kylie sit in a porch swing on one of the middle branches of Fox's tree. They drink cups of coffee. Crickets chirp. FOX Kids are crazy, aren't they? You got to try it, though. Raising a family. KYLIE Yeah. Sometimes I feel like maybe I MIGHT -- FOX What do you think of this tree, by the way? It's great, huh? KYLIE (HESITATES) Yeah. No, I was just saying how some- TIMES -- FOX I have one last part of what I was about to say. KYLIE OK. Go ahead. FOX I'm going broke. You want to help me steal some chickens? CUT TO: Fox's study, the next morning. A map of the valley with notes and arrows written all over it is spread across a desk. The door is closed with a towel jammed under it. A cricket match plays loudly on the radio. Fox sits in his armchair. Kylie sits in a creaky rocking chair. FOX I used to do this professionally, and I was very successful at it. I had to get out of it for personal reasons, but I've decided to secretly quit my job slash got fired to pursue it again. I'm bringing you in as my secretary and personal assistant. 18. KYLIE OK! FOX (PRICKLY) This is actually kind of a big deal, so don't just say, "OK!" KYLIE OK. Well, thank you. FOX (clearing is throat) I'm going totape this formyrecords,so don't make a lot of sounds --meaning stop rocking. KYLIE (DEFENSIVELY) Well, maybe we ought to turn off the radio, then. That's noisier than -- FOX I don't want people to eavesdrop on us, Kylie. Let me just tell this. Kylie stops rocking. Fox presses record on a tape recorder. HE BEGINS: FOX Master Plan. Phase one. Side A. CUT TO: That night. Fox stands on a rock at the edge of the woods looking through his binoculars. He lowers them and gives a hand-signal. Kylie joins him, and they start out along the moonlit ridge. Fox wears a dark car-coat and a black cap. Kylie has on a navy ski-hat. FOX (V.0.) We'll start with Boggis' Chicken House #1. His only security is a few old hunting beagles and a low stone wall. Now a word about beagles: never look a beagle directly in the eye. And if -- KYLIE (V.0.) (INTERRUPTING) Why not? CUT TO: 19. Fox and Kylie in Fox's study earlier that afternoon. Kylie SAYS BLITHELY: KYLIE Beagles aren't so tough. FOX (ANNOYED) Yeah? Well, first of all, one of these beagles has chronic rabies, which he's on medication for, and if you get bit by him you have to get shots in your stomach for six months. And, second -- listen, I'm not going to justify this to you. Just pay attention and stop interrupting me. I'm taping this. EXT. RAVINE. NIGHT Fox and Kylie shimmy down a steep embankment and cross a stream. FOX (V.0.) I picked some blueberries, butterflied them with a scalpel, and laced each one with ten milligrams of high-potency sleeping powder. INSERT: Fox's paws meticulously sprinkle a powdered mickey into a dissected blueberry and stitch it shut with red thread. FOX (V.0.) Enough to tranquilize a charging gorilla. CUT TO: Fox and Kylie in Fox's study earlier that afternoon. They now smoke pipes. KYLIE How do we make them eat it? FOX (smiling, with utter certainty) Beagles love blueberries. EXT. RIDGE. NIGHT Fox and Kylie push through a bramble and climb to the top of an elderberry bush. Fox looks through his binoculars. 20. FOX (V.O.) If we approach with the wind in our faces, we'll smell the chicken livers on Boggis' breath from at least fifty yards away. EXT. BARNYARD. DAY Seventy-five chickens stand around quietly but anxiously, darting wildly nervous looks at one another. They eat bits of grain off the ground. FOX (V.O.) Remember: they aren't very smart, but they're incredibly paranoid -- so always kill a chicken in one bite. CUT TO: Fox and Kylie in Fox's study earlier that afternoon. They now drink whiskey sours. Fox repeats: FOX One bite, get it? Fox waits for Kylie to respond. Kylie does not. Fox frowns. FOX Are you listening to me? I look into your eyes and I can't tell whether you're getting anything I'm saying. Kylie stares at Fox vacantly. He shrugs. (NOTE: an alternate set of eyeballs will be used for any shots indicating Kylie's vacant look.) EXT. MEADOW. NIGHT Fox and Kylie move swiftly through the tall grass. Fox pauses to sniff the air. He nods. FOX A few beagles, as we discussed, but we're ready for that. Fox and Kylie cross a dirt lane and come out of a shallow ditch. Fox licks the pinky of his paw and holds it up in the air. FOX You feel that? The wind's in our faces. 21. Kylie touches his face with his paw. He nods. Fox and Kylie run along the edge of the ditch. Kylie says casually: KYLIE Yeah, back in the old days, didn't they used to do a thing where if somebody saw a wolf, and -- FOX (STARTLED) What wolf? Fox stops in his tracks. His eyes dart about. Kylie looks at him curiously. FOX Oh, nothing? Never mind. Fox and Kylie veer off into shorter grasses. Fox points ahead, regaining his composure: FOX Here comes the low stone wall. Not a problem. Fox and Kylie climb over a low stone wall and find themselves at the base of a chain-link fence eleven feet high. FOX This is a chain-link fence, I guess. Did I not remember this? Maybe it's new. Let's pause. (SUDDENLY ANGRY) What the cuss? Where'd this giant fence come from? We had a master plan! Kylie motions to a yellow, plywood lightning bolt posted to the fence. KYLIE What's this lightning bolt stand for? FOX Give me a second! I said, "Let's pause"! Pause. Fox pulls himself together. He turns to look at the plywood lightning bolt. FOX That, I guess, hypothetically, could mean maybe this fence might be electric. 22. KYLIE Well, I just hope it doesn't mean thunder. I have a phobia of that. Fox and Kylie climb a tree and crouch at the end of one of its branches. Fox produces a zip-loc bag filled with blueberries with white thread stitched into them. FOX Watch this. Fox puts a blueberry into the end of a straw and shoots it out into the barnyard. CUT TO: The blueberry landing on the ground in front of Chicken House #1. A beagle approaches it and sniffs at it. He eats it. He looks very pleased. He falls over, out cold. CUT TO: Fox with an ecstatic expression on his face. He rapidly shoots more and more blueberries across the barnyard. Beagles eat blueberries and fall over, one after another. Fox and Kylie drop down into the barnyard and head for Chicken House #1. Fox whispers excitedly as they run: FOX Beagles love blueberries! Didn't I tell you? The master plan's working again! Kylie raises his fist enthusiastically and trips over an unconscious beagle. He picks himself up quickly, and they weave among the rest of the beagles. They reach the entrance to the chicken house, open the door, and duck inside. Pause. There is an eruption of crazed squawking, screaming, and fighting from inside. The chicken house rumbles. Lights jolt on across the compound. An alarm goes off. Voices yell. The chicken house door swings open again, and Fox and Kylie emerge among a cloud of feathers. Fox carries two dead chickens, and Kylie has one live one. Fox yells: FOX I said one bite, cuss it! KYLIE I'm trying! I have a different kind of teeth from you! I'm an opossum! 23. Kylie tries to bite the chicken on the neck. The chicken is unharmed. Kylie shrugs. Fox kills the chicken with one quick flick of the jaws. Kylie looks horrified. KYLIE That's so grisly! There's blood and everything! FOX (DEFENSIVELY) We're killing chickens! There's going to be blood in this story! Follow me! Fox and Kylie dash to the electric fence. They stop in front of it. Kylie looks to Fox. KYLIE What's the master escape plan? Fox hesitates, confused. A gunshot fires from among the chicken houses. Fox shouts to Kylie: FOX Follow me again! Fox and Kylie run back across the barnyard, past the beagles as they begin to wake up and stagger around. Farmhands appear, loading shotguns and running into the confusion. Fox and Kylie race by, unnoticed, among them. They dart into the house through a flap in the back door. The lights are out in the kitchen. They take a moment, breathing hard in the darkness. Kylie shakes his head in disbelief. KYLIE Wow. That was amazing. How did we do that? We ran the other way or something. FOX Yeah. KYLIE What happens now? FOX I have no idea. Fox opens the door-flap a crack. He looks out and sees Boggis opening the front gate to let out his beagles and farmhands, barking and shooting, as they search for the intruders. Fox shouts to Kylie: 24. FOX Holy cuss! They opened the gate! Follow me again! Lightning quick, Fox and Kylie burst out through the door- flap, race across the barnyard, and dart through the open gate. Up the road, Boggis screams furiously as he runs with his pack of beagles and farmhands. Fox and Kylie fly into the bushes. As they race through the underbrush Fox says BREATHLESSLY: FOX Let's hit the five and dime on the way home! We need to make some fake price tags and wrap these chickens in wax-paper so it looks like we got them at the butcher shop! Fox and Kylie howl ecstatically. MONTAGE: A fox's paw lifts a silver dome off a perfectly roasted chicken with an apple in its mouth. Fox and Mrs. Fox sit at a candle-lit table eating chicken and drinking wine. Ash, Kristofferson, and Kylie sit at a slightly miniature table eating chicken and drinking milk. Fox laughs hysterically as he tells his wife a story. Wine comes out of his nose. Fox and Kylie dash out the door of Boggis' Chicken House #7 carrying three more dead chickens. Lights jolt on. Farmhands run out firing shotguns. Fox and Kylie escape through a hole cut into the electric fence. Fox and Kylie dash out the window of Bunce's Poultry Barn C carrying two dead ducks and a goose. Alarms ring. Farmhands run out firing pistols. Fox and Kylie escape through a hole knocked into a brick wall. Fox and Kylie dash out the gates of Bean's Apple Orchard XII carrying two dead turkeys and a basket of apples. Automatic doors close. Farmhands run out firing rifles. Fox and Kylie escape through a hole chopped into a burning barricade. Fox and Kylie run full-speed through a clover field in the dark. The camera zooms in slowly on their faces as they ford a stream, leap a fallen hawthorn, and cross into the willow glade. They look exhilarated. 25. INT. KITCHEN. EVENING Mrs. Fox studies a crayon price-tag labelled $4 attached to a wax-paper-wrapped parcel. She opens the parcel and holds up a dead chicken by the leg. There is a small metal clip around its ankle. She examines it. She frowns. Fox comes in, grabs an apple out of a bowl, and starts back out of the room. MRS. FOX Where'd you get this chicken? FOX (SHRUGS) I picked it up at the Five-and-Dime last night on my way back from -- MRS. FOX It's got a Boggis Farms tag around its ankle. FOX (HESITATES) Huh. Must've escaped from there before I bought it. INT. DINING ROOM. EVENING Ash, Kristofferson, and Kylie sit at the children's table eating dinner. Next to Ash, there is a small, slightly beaten- up statue of a fox with his front legs raised in the air holding a medal above his head. Kylie points at it. KYLIE What's that? ASH This? Nothing. Just some old trophy I won for being an athlete. Fox and Mrs. Fox sit at the adults' table. Fox guzzles down a last sip of wine and says with his mouth full of food: FOX I'm supposed to cover this book party at some animal's nest in a tobacco field down the hill, so me and Kylie are going to hop over there and give it a whirl. Don't wait up. Fox pulls his napkin out of his collar, drops it on the table, and stands up. Mrs. Fox asks cooly: 26. MRS. FOX What's the book? FOX (HESITATES) Some memoir. I'll get him to sign you a copy. Fox kisses Mrs. Fox on the cheek. She looks at him suspiciously. FOX Dinner was -- (doing a little gesture) -- pitch-perfect. EXT. WOODS. NIGHT Fox and Kylie walk among the trees. They are dressed in their prowling outfits. FOX I spotted a couple of broken burglar bars underneath the back door to Bean's secret cider cellar. KYLIE We're breaking into Bean's house? FOX (HESITATES) Cellar. KYLIE Where he lives? FOX (HESITATES) Where he keeps the cider. ASH (BRIGHTLY) Below where he lives. Ash, dressed in his own prowling outfit, is walking with Fox and Kylie. Fox stops short: FOX Where'd you come from? Go back to the tree and do your homework! ASH I want to help you steal some cider. 27. FOX (ANGRILY) We're going to a book party! And keep your mouth shut about any cider, because no one ever said that! Get out of here! ASH But Dad -- FOX But nothing! You're going to get me in a lot of trouble! The three animals stand in silence for a minute. Fox points to his tree. Ash turns and starts back home. Fox shakes his head. FOX Where the cuss does that kid get off? Can you believe that? How'd he get tipped off? You think he's going to tell on us? Fox turns to Kylie. Kylie looks back at him vacantly. FOX Before we go any further, from now on can you give me some kind of signal once in a while just so I know any of this is getting through to you? Pause. Kylie makes a slight motion with his paw. Fox hesitates. FOX Was that it? OK. EXT. BARNYARD. NIGHT Fox and Kylie dart across the yard and around the back of Bean's farmhouse. Kylie whispers as they run: KYLIE One time this wolf -- FOX (IRRITATED) What's with all the wolf talk? Can we give it a rest, for once? Fox climbs onto a garbage pail and pulls open a window shutter. He and Kylie shimmy in-between two bent burglar bars. 28. INT. BEAN'S SECRET CIDER CELLAR. NIGHT A vast, damp, gloomy cellar with hundreds of glass jars stacked from floor to ceiling. Each jar is marked Cider. Fox and Kylie come inside and quietly drop to the brick floor. KYLIE WHISPERS: KYLIE Look at all this apple juice. FOX (STERNLY) Apple juice? Apple juice? We didn't come here for apple juice. This is some of the strongest, finest alcoholic cider money can buy -- or that can even be stolen. It burns in your throat, boils in your stomach, and tastes almost exactly like pure, melted gold. (SUDDENLY) Let's crack open one these 'shine jars and do a shooter. A match strikes in the darkness. Fox and Kylie look around the room frantically. On the highest shelf, peering out from behind a huge jar, they see an enormous rat in a striped shirt with a lit match in his claw. He puts the flame in his mouth to snuff it out and holds the matchstick in his teeth. He is longer than a fox and wiry, but with a small pot-belly. He wears a black beret and moves like a beatnik. He takes a draw from a small rubber tube inserted in the neck of his cider jar. He says with a slightly sinister New ORLEANS ACCENT: RAT Y'all are trespassin', now. Illegally. 'Round these parts, we don't take kindly to cider poachers. Fox and Rat stare at each other. Fox says, finally: FOX You've aged badly, Rat. RAT You're gettin' a little long in the tooth, yourself, partner. Rat spins around and hurls himself scuttling over a shelf, down the wall, and through the air onto the brick floor at Fox's feet. He flicks open a switchblade and brandishes it. He hisses. 29. Kylie shrieks and darts into a hole where a brick is missing in the wall. Fox takes an old-fashioned boxing stance. RAT How's your old lady doin'? Kylie peers out from his hole in the wall nervously. Fox and Rat circle each other slowly. FOX Do you refer to my wife? RAT She was the town tart, in her day. Wild and foot-loose and pretty as a mink stole. She was a creme brulee -- until you made an honest woman out of her, Mr. Fox. Kylie says, intrigued, from his hole: KYLIE Is that true? FOX (ANNOYED) Of course, not. I mean, certainly, she lived. We all did. It was a different time. Let's not use a double-standard. She marched against the -- KYLIE But town tart? FOX Shut up. Rat lunges at Fox with his switchblade. Fox dodges nimbly. He cocks an eyebrow and smiles: FOX That was close, Rat. Be careful. RAT Oh, I'm as careful as a -- A door at the top of the stairs opens suddenly with a loud creak. Rat and Fox look terrified. They both dart away and hide behind cider jars. A heavy-set, middle-aged housekeeper carrying a rolling pin comes down the stairs and walks straight over to the shelf where Fox is hiding. 30. HOUSEKEEPER How many jars should I bring up, ma'am? A strong, almost masculine woman's voice answers from UPSTAIRS: MASCULINE VOICE I don't know. Two, I guess. The housekeeper grabs the two jars directly next to the one Fox is hiding behind and tucks them under her arm. Fox tenses his body. He shivers slightly. A graze of the red fur of his arm sticks out barely from behind his jar. The housekeeper hesitates. HOUSEKEEPER He drank three yesterday, ma'am. MASCULINE VOICE All right, take three. The housekeeper grabs Fox's jar. Fox closes his eyes. MASCULINE VOICE No, don't. The housekeeper stops with her hand on the neck of Fox's jar. MASCULINE VOICE Three's too many. It's unhealthy. He's anorexic. Bring two. The housekeeper lets go of Fox's jar. Fox relaxes slightly. The housekeeper grabs Fox's jar again. Fox tenses up. HOUSEKEEPER But maybe, just in case -- MASCULINE VOICE Two's plenty. The housekeeper lets go of Fox's jar and walks away. She goes back up the stairs and closes the door. Kylie says in the DARKNESS: KYLIE Oh, my cuss. That was like a scene out of A -- The door opens again. An exceptionally tall, powerfully built woman in a black dress and Wellingtons, with grey hair pulled- back in a bun, bright green eyes, and a meat cleaver tucked under her apron strings comes swiftly down the stairs. She 31. eyeballs the corners of the room. She is Mrs. Bean. She says thickly (in her masculine voice): MRS. BEAN To whom it may concern: if I catch a rat in a black beret drinking Mr. Bean's secret cider without his express permission, I intend to chop said rat's head off, brine it, pickle it, and bake it in a vermin casserole. I hope this clarifies my position on the matter. Sincerely, Evelyn Bean. Mrs. Bean turns and goes back up the stairs. She closes the door. Pause. Rat's voice says from the shadows: RAT Dear Mrs. Bean, your language, while somewhat purple, is nevertheless impossible to misinterpret. However -- comma -- given the proximity of said rat at the moment of your -- The door at the top the stairs opens again. Silence. CUT TO: Fox and Kylie running away from Bean's farmhouse with two jars of cider. They both look badly shaken. A gunshot rings out taking us to: EXT. BEAN FARMS. NIGHT Bean is standing darkly in his front doorway. Smoke drifts from the end of his Luger, pointed at the ceiling. A broken light bulb hangs from a wire above his head. Boggis and Bunce sit together on the porch in rocking chairs, startled, staring at Bean. BEAN I'm going to give a speech, and at the end of it -- I'm going to throw a twist into this plot. Bean lights a cigarette and begins to walk slowly around the porch. BEAN First truth: this is the most ambitious fox we've ever encountered, bar none. Bean spins around and shoots out a second light bulb. Boggis and Bunce look uneasy. Bean continues: 32. BEAN Second truth: the meaning of ambition is defined in the dictionary. Bean jumps and rolls and shoots out a third light bulb. BEAN Third truth: the weakness of the ambitious man is his Achilles heel -- Bean quickly shoots out three more light bulbs behind his back, over his shoulder, and between his legs. The porch goes dark. He flicks on a flashlight and points it in his two colleague's faces. They look scared. Bean says urgently: BEAN -- but I've already figured out where this fox lives, and tomorrow night we're going to camp in the bushes, wait for him to come out of the hole in his tree, and shoot the cuss to smithereens. How's that grab you, fellas? Boggis and Bunce hesitate. They nod and murmur their approval. INT. FOX'S TREE. NIGHT Fox and Kylie come quietly into the half-lit kitchen dressed in their prowling outfits. They walk to the door. MRS. FOX Another book party? Fox and Kylie turn around, startled. Mrs. Fox sits on a stool in the darkened pantry. FOX Woah! I didn't see you. Sitting in the dark over there. Yeah, no. Actually, there's a fire. I just got the call. They said maybe it's arson? I got to interview the marshall and see what's -- MRS. FOX Kylie, is he telling the truth? KYLIE (FREAKING OUT) I don't want to be put in the middle of this. 33. FOX (PAUSE) Thanks, Kylie. MRS. FOX If what I think is happening is HAPPENING -- (OMINOUSLY) -- it better not be. CUT TO: Boggis, Bunce, and Bean waiting crouched in the bushes. Bean licks his finger and holds it up to test the direction of the wind. He nods, points to his nose, and gives a thumbs-up to Boggis and Bunce. EXT. FOX'S TREE. NIGHT Fox pokes his head up out of his hole. He sniffs once. He moves an inch forward and stops. He sniffs again. He waits a moment and listens. He steps out of the hole and says STONILY: FOX Nice job covering for me. Next time TRY -- A twig snaps. Fox freezes. CUT TO: Boggis, Bunce, and Bean frozen in the bushes. CUT TO: The branches of the trees as the wind suddenly changes its direction. CUT TO: Fox on high alert. He rapidly sniffs the air three times in a row. He turns to a confused Kylie and says, panicking: FOX All three! Fox and Kylie spin around and dart back into the hole as Boggis, Bunce, and Bean open fire wildly from the bushes. A barrage of bullets and buckshot rips into the tree-bark. Silence. 34. Smoke from the three guns floats upward in the night air. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean approach the tree. Bean shines his flashlight on Fox's hole. In the circle of light on the ground lies the tattered, blood- stained remains of Fox's tail. Bean picks it up and holds it in the air in front of Boggis and Bunce. BEAN We got the tail, but we missed the fox. Pause. Bean takes out his walkie-talkie. BEAN Petey? You and the boys sober up and get out here on the A.S.A.P. Bring eleven shovels, three pick-axes, 500 rounds of ammunition, and a bottle of apple cider. INT. FOX'S TREE. NIGHT Mrs. Fox licks the stump of Fox's tail and mends it with gauze and medical tape. She looks furious. Kylie and the Fox cubs watch, concerned. Ash says uncertainly: ASH It'll grow back, won't it? KYLIE (shaking his head) Tails don't grow back, except for lizards. FOX (MISERABLY) Tails don't grow back. I'm going to be tail-less for the rest of my life. ASH (NERVOUSLY) Well, anyway, it's not half as bad as double-pneumonia, right? (pointing to Kristofferson) His dad's got one foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peel. That's a lot worse than -- Kristofferson hurls an acorn violently onto the floor. It ricochets off a wall and into a teacup. Everyone falls silent. Kristofferson turns away. 35. KRISTOFFERSON Excuse me, everyone. I'm going to go meditate for half an hour. Kristofferson walks out of the room. Mrs. Fox looks at Ash and says angrily: MRS. FOX You've got twenty-nine minutes to come up with a proper apology. Ash crosses his arms in front of his chest and stares straight ahead into space grimly. Fox says suddenly: FOX What's with the crazy outfit? Why a cape and the pants tucked into your socks? Ash does not respond. Fox sighs. Mrs. Fox finishes bandaging his tail. Fox goes over to the wall and stands with his back to the room. FOX I got fired slash quit the Gazette and started stealing chickens on the sly. MRS. FOX (ICILY) That tail was the first thing I ever noticed about you. It was easily the most attractive tail for at least 50 miles in every direction. It was probably your single best quality -- and now it's gone forever. CUT TO: Fox lying in bed staring at the ceiling in the dark next to Mrs. Fox. FOX Why the cuss didn't I listen my lawyer? At this point we'll be lucky if we can flip this tree for half of what we've already sunk into it. Fox flips over onto his stomach. FOX I won't be able to sleep on my back for six weeks -- and on my stomach I feel congested. Why the cuss didn't I listen to my lawyer? 36. MRS. FOX (BITTERLY) Because you don't listen to anybody. FOX (sitting up suddenly) What was that? MRS. FOX (PAUSE) What? I said -- There is a quiet scraping sound from above. Fox jumps out of bed. He hollers: FOX Wake up! Everybody! They're digging us out! There is a scrunch and then a loud thump from above. Mrs. Fox looks at Fox intensely: MRS. FOX They'll kill the children! FOX (STEELY) Over my dead body, they will. MRS. FOX (ANGRILY) That's what I'm saying! You'd be dead, too, in that scenario! FOX (ANGRILY) Well, I'm arguing against that! MRS. FOX (SCREAMING) What are you talking about? FOX (SCREAMING) Why are you yelling at me? KYLIE (AGONIZED) Stop! Stop! Stop! Fox and Mrs. Fox turn quickly to Kylie standing in the doorway with a red blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Ash 37. and Kristofferson stand behind him. They look terrified. Kylie shouts in a pained voice: KYLIE You say one thing, she says another, and it all changes back again! The point of a shovel pierces the ceiling. Everyone looks up and stares in shock. Fox suddenly leaps across the room with a wild energy, scrambles halfway up a wall, and throws over two chairs. FOX I've got it! There's not a moment to lose! Why didn't I think of this before? MRS. FOX Think of what? FOX Think of the one thing a fox does quicker than a man, quicker than any other animal in the world! (at the top of his lungs) DIG!!! CUT TO: Everyone digging furiously. Dirt flies everywhere. The shot booms down into the ground, among the roots of the tree, through buried pebbles, layers of soil, and subterranean mineral deposits. TITLE: 1 HOUR LATER The shot stops at the bottom of a dark hole deep, deep underground. Mrs. Fox lies on the floor, breathing heavily, with a lit lantern at her side. The cubs are sprawled out around her. Kylie leans in the corner with his shirt off tied around his waist. Fox stands up and clears his throat. Everyone looks at him. FOX I think it's time for me to give us a pep talk and explain some things. (commencing a speech) A very long time ago -- MRS. FOX May I have a word with you privately? 38. FOX (HESITATES) Well, we're in a hole. Where -- MRS. FOX Just on the other side of this mineral deposit. Follow me. Fox reluctantly follows Mrs. Fox through a crack in the bedrock and into a small air-pocket with glittering quartz walls. She wheels on Fox: MRS. FOX I'm going to lose my temper now. FOX (PAUSE) When? MRS. FOX Right now. FOX (PAUSE) Well, when -- Mrs. Fox scratches Fox across the face, slicing a quick sliver into his fur. Fox cringes away with his paws up protectively. He lowers his paws. His eyes fill with tears. (NOTE: the scar in Fox's fur never grows back.) Mrs. Fox takes a deep breath. She says: MRS. FOX Twelve fox-years ago, you made a promise to me while we were caged inside that fox- trap that, if we survived, you would never steal another chicken, goose, turkey, duck, or squab, whatever they are. I believed you. Why did you lie to me? FOX (SIMPLY) Because I'm a wild animal. MRS. FOX You're also a husband and a father. 39. FOX (PAINED) I'm trying to tell you the truth about myself. MRS. FOX I don't care about the truth about yourself. Fox looks down at the ground. He nods and tries to contain his emotions. Mrs. Fox watches him coldly. MRS. FOX This story is too predictable. FOX (SURPRISED) Predictable? Really? What happens in the end? MRS. FOX (QUIETLY) In the end, we all die -- unless you change. Mrs. Fox walks out of the air-pocket. Fox stands alone in silence. EXT. FOX'S TREE. DAY The next morning. There is a large hole in the side of the hill, under Fox's tree. The ceiling to the living room has been completely removed. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean stand half- underground with their heads sticking out of the hole, breathing hard, with dirty shovels over their shoulders. Bunce stands on Fox's tiny club chair. BUNCE These foxes dig like a bunch of hyperactive gophers. BOGGIS Franklin? You got another twist for this plot? BEAN Say that again? BOGGIS I say you got another -- Bean whips out his walkie-talkie and twirls it like a six- shooter. He presses a button on it and says: 40. BEAN Petey? Get me the current contact info for Earl Malloy on the A.S.A.P. BUNCE (INTRIGUED) Who's Earl Malloy? BEAN (INNOCENTLY) What? You mean over at Malloy Consolidated? Oh, he does rentals. BOGGIS (PAUSE) What does he rent? CUT TO: Three yellow and black, murderous, brutal bulldozer digging- tractors with Malloy Consolidated painted on the sides of them. They make a terrible, high-pitched growling noise and spit black grease and smoke. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean stand among the tractors nodding giddily to each other. They scramble into the drivers' seats and begin ripping into the hillside. Bunce sits on a dictionary to see over the dashboard. CUT TO: Fox, Mrs. Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson digging frantically. CUT TO: The tractors grabbing huge chunks of earth and tossing them into the meadow. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean, drunk with digging, laugh manically as the controls of their tractors. BEAN Let's kick some fox cuss! BUNCE I'm cussing loving this! BOGGIS Who's hyper-cussing-active now? Bean throws his tractor into top gear. The teeth of the giant shovels clank against each other, ripping through the tree's roots. 41. INSERT: A temperature gauge with its needle pushing the limits of the red. CUT TO: A grizzled, white-haired man in a greasy yellow and black jumpsuit and coke-bottle protective eyeglasses. A patch on his pocket says E. Malloy. He watches the farmers digging crazily with the tractors. Sparks from the mayhem reflect dancing on his lenses. EARL MALLOY These machines weren't made to be handled like this. DISSOLVE TO: The hill with half its earth dug out from under the tree. The tree still stands precariously above the wild tractors. DISSOLVE TO: The hill now razed with the fallen, old beech tree laying on its side as the tractors dig deeper. DISSOLVE TO: The tractors almost completely below ground in a deep crater. A crowd of neighbors and local press from the town has gathered and watches as the tractors stop digging and rumble up out of the crater. The motors go quiet. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean climb down from their tractors. They look angry and tired. They stand among the workers and onlookers. A television reporter with an Action 13 camera crew confronts BEAN: REPORTER Farmer, correct me if I'm misreading the data, you've successfully destroyed the scenery, but the alleged fox remains at large. What will you three prominent farmers do now? BEAN Well, Dan, I can tell you what we're not going to do. We're not going to let him go. 42. REPORTER Are you concerned about the possibility OF -- BEAN I have no further dialogue in this scene. Bean turns away from the reporter and pulls Boggis and Bunce aside. He addresses them with calm intensity: BEAN I'm not going home until we smoke this son-of-a-cuss out his hole, string him up on a clothesline, and fly him like a kite. Boggis, how many men have you got working on your farm? BOGGIS Thirty-five. BEAN Bunce? BUNCE Thirty-six. BEAN And I've got thirty-seven. That's 108 men altogether. Now what do I got here? Two quitters -- or are you staying with? CUT TO: That night. A helicopter with a Bean, inc. decal on the side of it circles the crater scanning the dark terrain with a searchlight. There are tents, trucks, and 108 men gathered around the perimeter. They sit on bricks and logs and are armed with bats, pistols, rifles, shotguns, bows and arrows, and hatchets. INT. HOLE. NIGHT Fox, his family, and Kylie lie exhausted on the floor of their deep hole. The walls are covered with knotted roots and vines. Fox says to Kylie: FOX One of those slovenly farmers is probably wearing my tail as a necktie by now. 43. KYLIE You're paranoid, Foxy. CUT TO: Mrs. Bean sitting in her kitchen watching television next to an extremely skinny, freckled twelve year-old boy. The boy points at the screen and laughs to himself: FRECKLED BOY Look at Dad's tie. INSERT: The television set. Bean is on-screen with the Action 13 reporter. He wears a fox-fur necktie. EXT. CAMP. NIGHT There is a full moon. Lanterns glow in the farmers' tents. A group of farmhands sit around a campfire next to the crater. One of them cooks a chicken on a spit. Another sits on a log playing a banjo. He is Petey. He sings: PETEY 'Bout a handsome little fox Let me sing you folks a yarn. Hey, diddle-dee, doddle-do, doodle-dum! 'Twas a splendid little feller Full of wit 'n' grace 'n' charm. Say, zippy-zee, yappy-yo, google-gum! The shot moves past the leathery faces of the other farmhands as they listen: amused, moved, hungry, tired, charmed, annoyed, whistling, playing a jew's harp, trying to sing along but not really knowing the words, etc. PETEY Like any little critter needin' Vittels for his littl'uns, Well, he stole, and he cheated, And he lied to survive. Doodle-dum, diddle-die, doddle-diddle- doodle-dee! Zippy-zo, zippy-zay, zippy-zappy- zoopy-zee! (this verse is spoken:) Let me take a little tick now To color in the scene: 'Cross the valley lived three yokels Name of Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. (MORE) 44. PETEY (CONT'D) (back to singing:) Now these three crazy jackies had our hero on the run. Shot the tail off the cuss With a fox-shootin' gun. But that stylish little fox Was as clever as a whip. Dug as quick as a gopher Who was a hyper-ack-a-tive. Now those three farmers sit 'Twhere there's a hole 'twas once a hill. Hey, diddle-dee, doddle-do, doodle-dum! And as far as I can reckon They're a-settin' up there still. (SLOWLY) Way, zippy-zee, yappy-yo, google -- BEAN (INTERRUPTING) What are you singing, Petey? Petey stops short. Everyone turns quickly and sees Bean standing over them in the darkness with his Luger in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Petey looks nervous. PETEY I don't know. I was just kind of making it up as I was going along... Petey trails off. Bean shakes his head. He looks highly irritated. BEAN That's just weak song-writing! You wrote a bad song, Petey! Bean throws his cigarette into the campfire. He storms away. Petey turns to the other farmhands. Everyone looks uncomfortable. TITLE: 3 DAYS LATER (18 Fox-Days) CUT TO: Morning in the farmers' camp. The cook flips an egg on a skillet. He puts it on a plate with bacon and hands it to Petey. Petey asks him: 45. PETEY How long can a fox go without food or water? CUT TO: The exhausted foxes and Kylie underground. Kylie says QUIETLY: KYLIE Well, I can only answer as an opossum, but I don't think I can last more than another couple of hours before I get completely dehydrated and starve to death. ASH What's that? Ash points. Everyone looks. A tiny hole appears in the wall at the end of the tunnel. Dirt crumbles out of it -- and a bit of metal catches a glint. Fox and his family watch, frozen. A breath of air blows into the tunnel. The flame on Mrs. Fox's lantern flickers once and goes out. ASH STARTS: ASH Dad? FOX (WHISPERS SHARPLY) Not a sound! Silence. There is a sudden, loud scrabbling noise. A match strikes. Fox touches it to Mrs. Fox's lantern-wick. The tiny hole in the wall has become a large one. Badger stands in front of Fox with his law partner Beaver, Beaver's overgrown, hulking son, a medium-sized mole, and a grey field mouse with a bandana tied in a "do-rag" style around his head. Badger has a spoon in his hand. Fox and Badger erupt at each other, screaming simultaneously: FOX You scared the cuss out of us! BADGER I told you not to buy at nine and a cussing half! 46. FOX You don't just bang into somebody's cussing tunnel! BADGER Are you cussing yelling at me! FOX You're cussing right I'm cussing yelling! BADGER We're all cussing starving to death because of you, you mangy, cussing, little cuss! Fox and Badger snarl and scratch at each other, circling around the hole. They calm down slightly. Badger continues: BADGER We've been digging in circles for three days. Half the woods've been obliterated. Nobody can get out. Right now my wife's huddled at the bottom of the flint-mine with Mrs. Mole, Mrs. Beaver, Rabbit's ex- girlfriend, no food, no water, and twenty- seven hungry, whining, starving, little animal brats. This is a total cluster- cuss for everybody! Fox looks around the room at the entire gaunt, dirty, emaciated assembly. Everyone stares at him angrily. He swallows. The mole says softly.: MOLE I just want to see a little -- (SUDDENLY CRYING) -- sunshine. FOX (PUZZLED) But you're nocturnal, Phil. Your eyes barely even open, on a good day. MOLE (ENRAGED) I'm sick of your double-talk. We have rights! Beaver's son looms over Ash and Kristofferson in a muddy alcove on the side of the tunnel. He pokes Ash in the chest with the finger of his paw. 47. BEAVER'S SON We don't like you, and we hate your dad. You're too snazzy. You dress like a girl. You're creative. Now grab some of that mud, chew it in your mouth, and swallow it. ASH (scared and disgusted) I'm not going to eat mud! BEAVER'S SON Cuss, yeah, you are. Beaver's son grabs a handful of mud, smashes it into Ash's mouth, and forces his jaws up and down in a chewing motion. Ash coughs and splutters. Kristofferson frowns. He takes off his shoes with his feet. He says with a quiet ferocity: KRISTOFFERSON Don't do that. Beaver's son looks to Kristofferson. He looks down at Kristofferson's feet. BEAVER'S SON Why'd you take your shoes off? KRISTOFFERSON So I don't break your nose when I kick it. Kristofferson kicks Beaver's son in the face, karate chops his neck, elbow-jabs him twice in the gut, and flips the enormous youth over his shoulder and into the mud. Beaver's son gets up, crying, and walks out of the alcove. Ash watches blankly with mud all over his mouth as Kristofferson puts his shoes back on. ASH I can fight my own fights. Badger and Fox stand facing each other at the end of the tunnel. Badger says aggressively: BADGER Those farmers aren't going to quit until they've got you and every member of your family nailed upside-down to a bloody stick with your eyes gorged out. 48. FOX (FREAKED OUT) This is getting a little too personal. Badger waits for Fox to continue. Fox stares into space. FOX Give me a minute. Fox turns and walks away. He faces the wall of the tunnel. He sits down on a rock. Everyone watches him uncertainly. They look at each other. Badger starts to say something, but Kylie cuts him off sharply: KYLIE (SHARPLY) Shh! Badger falls silent. Fox sits with his chin on his paw, lost in concentrated thought. He stands up. He nods repeatedly and begins to pace. His eyes dart from one spot to another. His paws move abruptly around in the air drawing lines and shapes. He freezes and looks straight up at the ceiling of the tunnel. He snaps the fingers of his paw and looks to the others. He says with a cautious excitement: FOX I've got an idea. BADGER (TENTATIVELY) What is it? FOX It could be a good one. BEAVER (POINTEDLY) Lay it on us. FOX It might save our lives. KYLIE (EXASPERATED) Say the idea! Fox looks down at Ash, who stands beside him with mud still on his mouth. He nods. He says suddenly: FOX All right! Let's try it! 49. Fox runs over to Mrs. Fox: FOX Go to the flint-mine. Tell Mrs. Badger, Rabbit's ex-girlfriend, et al. that help is on the way. MRS. FOX (SKEPTICALLY) Is help on the way? Fox grips Mrs. Fox's paw. He looks into her eyes and says INTENSELY: FOX I sure as cuss hope so. Mrs. Fox detects a special, familiar, inspired light in her husband's eyes at this moment. She nods. She hands Ash the lantern. She straightens the neck-line of his cape, licks the mud off Ash's snout, and scrambles away down Badger's tunnel. Ash wants to cry but does not. Fox turns to the others. FOX Gentlemen, this time we must dig in a very special direction. Fox feels the walls with his paws. Everyone watches attentively. FOX I got to kind of feel out the vibe. Fox stops. He points slightly downwards and due south. He says with quiet anticipation: FOX Begin. Everyone starts digging, slowly but intently. CUT TO: The diggers one hundred yards later. Fox suddenly whistles and raises his fist. The diggers stop digging. Fox feels the ceiling with his paws. He knocks something hard. It sounds hollow. He looks at the others with a funny expression and raises an eyebrow. Fox carefully pushes up a floorboard. It creaks loudly. They all duck down and wait. Nothing happens. Fox pushes up a second floorboard. He cautiously pokes his head up through 50. the gap. He lets out a shriek of excitement and whispers excitedly down to the others: FOX I've done it! I've done it, first time! Come up and see where you are, my darlings! Everyone scrambles up out of the tunnel. INT. SHED. NIGHT Everyone stands in the middle of Boggis' Chicken House #1. The room is teeming with chickens, which stare at them nervously. There are black chickens, white chickens, brown chickens, and one that combines all three colors. Fox WHISPERS: FOX I hit it slap in the middle! Do you get how incredible this is? The others nod. They look dazed and wild. Fox holds up his hands and whispers: FOX Don't lose your heads, now. Let's do this properly. First, everyone have a drink of water. Fox leads the others over to the chickens' drinking trough. They all lap up the cool water. Fox dries his mouth. FOX SECOND -- Fox seizes a black chicken violently. CUT TO: Ash and Kristofferson running down the tunnel carrying two dead, black chickens. They turn three corners and arrive at the mossy hollow. They look inside. MONTAGE: Fox and the other diggers tunnel under the silo in front of Bunce Industries. Cows eat grass in the pasture above. Fox and the other diggers comes out of a hole in the floor and dance an ecstatic jig in a great storeroom lined to the ceiling with plucked ducks and geese. Smoked hams and sides of bacon dangle from the rafters. 51. Fox and the other diggers tunnel under the windmill in front of Bean, inc. Sheep eat clover in the field above. Fox and the other diggers comes out of a hole in the floor and dance an ecstatic jig in a corrugated plastic and metal pen among dozens of gobbling turkeys. Fox and the other diggers race dancing ecstatically back through the complex network of tunnels carrying dead turkeys, geese, bacon, flour, salt, sugar, jars of cider, and a portable television set. INT. FLINT-MINE. DAY The flint-mine is a large but cozy space with stone walls, a dirt floor, a small kitchen, and a fireplace. There are rows of cots, sleeping bags, boxes, blankets, and suitcases for all the refugee animals. All the animals have gathered together and drink cider cocktails while small rabbits, skunks, and field mice set the table. The room is festooned with garlands. A well-dressed mole smoking a pipe plays the piano. A bespectacled rabbit leans against it humming a tune. Weasel stands in the corner talking with Beaver. WEASEL What am I going to do? I'm going to hold him to the terms of the contract. It's not my fault they uprooted it. Kristofferson serves cranberry punch from a tureen in the corner. Ash goes over to him and holds out a mug. ASH They say I owe you an apology for some of the mean things I said about your father's illness. His double-pneumonia or whatever they're calling it now. Kristofferson ladles Ash a cupful. KRISTOFFERSON OK. ASH So there it is. I hope we can continue our relationship as cousins or family members or however you want to define IT -- (suddenly more intense) -- but do me a favor for yourself. The next time you have a problem with something I've said, come to me as a fox (MORE) 52. ASH (CONT'D) and let's deal with it right then and not let it blow up into a whole, huge thing involving parents and so on. Agreed? Ash drinks his punch in one long sip and holds out the empty mug for a refill. Kristofferson nods slowly. He points at Ash with his ladle. KRISTOFFERSON I'm going to teach you karate. Badger sits next to the fireplace with Fox and Kylie. BADGER I can imagine how painful, even just emotionally, that must be for you. FOX (UNEASY) Well, you know, it's not the end of the world. BADGER (MORE ANIMATED) Oh, but, Foxy, how humiliating! Having your whole tail blown clean off by a -- FOX (COOLY) Can we drop it? Kristofferson starts to refill Ash's mug again. Ash suddenly puts his paw over the brim. Kristofferson hesitates. Ash raises an eyebrow and says mysterriously: ASH Ever tasted one of Mrs. Bean's famous nutmeg-ginger-apple snaps? EXT. CAMP. DAY A large fire truck drives up to the destroyed hill with firemen hanging off the back and sides. It parks among the tractors and tents. The chief, in a white helmet, goes over to Boggis, Bunce, and Bean waiting at the mouth of the pit. A patch on his sleeve says O.W.F.R.P.F. Farmhands and firemen circle around. CHIEF Who's got me a donation for the old Wounded Fireman's Retirement Pension Fund? Bean pulls a yellow check out of his inside pocket. 53. BEAN Right here. (pointing behind him) Let me show you this hole. INT. FLINT-MINE. DAY Candles glow all around. Everyone is seated at the long dining room table, and a magnificent feast with every variety of fruit, meat, vegetable, and roasted bird has been laid out in front of them. They tear into their meals, eating and drinking ferociously. Crumbs, juices, blood, and bones fly into the air. Jaws snap and chew. There is no conversation. Badger suddenly stands and rings a knife against his cider glass. Everyone looks up, taking a breather from the frenzy of eating. Badger clears his throat. BADGER Well, it took a near-catastrophe for all of you to finally take me up on my offer to have you over to the flint-mine for dinner, but I guess we have -- FOX (INTERRUPTING) I'm sorry. Maybe my invitation got lost in the mail. Does anybody know what this badger's talking about? Everyone laughs. Fox sits at the opposite end of the table with a crooked smile on his face. FOX But Clive's right -- (STANDING UP) -- in all seriousness -- (aside, to Badger) -- excuse me, B. Fox raises his cider glass. Badger reluctantly sits back down. FOX I guess we do have those three ugly, cusshole farmers to thank for one thing: reminding us to be thankful and aware of each other. I'm going to say it again. (GESTURING EXPANSIVELY) Aware. Badger whispers to his wife: 54. BADGER Foxy cuss-blocked my toast, man. CUT TO: The hole where Fox's tree once stood. The dead tree lies on its side. A fireman slides a thick hose deep into the tunnel. He looks behind him and nods. FIREMAN #1 Ready. The shot moves backwards along the hose, past seven more firemen signalling to each other with: a thumbs-up, a snap, a fist in the air, a swirl of the fingers, a peace symbol, an A- OK, and a hook-'em Horns. The shot continues past Boggis, Bunce, and Bean helping to hold the hose in position. Boggis growls. Bunce hisses. Bean snarls. The shot arrives at a pump on the side of the fire truck. The chief points: CHIEF Let her rip. A fireman cranks a huge wrench on a steel nut. A pressure gauge shoots to maximum. The fire truck and hose begin to vibrate loudly. CUT TO: Ash and Kristofferson crouched under a drain-cover pushed just-open next to a refrigerator. They peer out across a bright, clean, white kitchen at a plate of perfect, golden cookies on a counter-top next to an open window with a step- ladder directly in front of it. They look at each other. They look around the quiet, empty room. Ash shrugs. Ash and Kristofferson dart out, leaving the drain-cover propped-up. They race over the linoleum. They climb the step- ladder and stop at the plate. Ash swoons and says RAPTUROUSLY: ASH They're still warm. Ash and Kristofferson gather more cookies than they can possibly carry, eating as they collect them. Crumbs go everywhere. On the other side of the room, the drain-cover falls shut with a loud clank. Ash and Kristofferson look up, wildly startled. All at once they hear in a simultaneous cacophony: the back door bursting open, a boy and two beagles shouting and barking, the pantry door slamming, Mrs. Bean and her 55. middle-aged housekeeper clanging pots and pans and arguing, a timer on the counter-top ringing, and a raven fluttering to the windowsill and cawing. Ash and Kristofferson panic silently. They drop the cookies and fly down the step-ladder. CUT TO: Fox in mid-toast: FOX I've stepped on some toes and alienated a few of you over the past few days -- but is it wrong for me to suggest we might've done worse than having an incredible banquet in a beautiful flint-mine surrounded by our favorite animals? Look at each other. Here we are. Wow. Now I've already had too much to drink, and I'm feeling sentimental, but I'm going to say something, anyway, which nobody wants to admit, but I think is probably true: we beat 'em. We beat those farmers, and now we're triumphantly eating their roasted chicken, their sizzling duck, their succulent turkey, their foie gras de -- (SUDDENLY) Where'd the boys go? Ash? Kristofferson? (to Mrs. Fox) What am I hearing again, baby? What's happening? Am I still paranoid? There is a low, distant rumbling which rapidly builds to a deafening roar. Everyone waits, frozen. A single drop of water drips from the ceiling into Badger's water glass. Fox turns to Badger and says: FOX Let's pause again. A wild deluge smashes into the room flooding the flint-mine and tunnels with a blasting current that sweeps everyone and everything away chaotically. CUT TO: The entire party of well-dressed animals and their plates, furniture, chickens, etc. shooting down the tunnel with the rushing waters. Fox, helpless, holding his breath, looks to the others underwater: Badger shakes his head in disgust; Rabbit makes a fierce grimace; Mole bares his teeth ferociously; Beaver rants angrily with bubbles coming out off his mouth; and Kylie stares ahead vacantly, holding his nose. 56. Fox turns sadly to Mrs. Fox. She looks terrified. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. NIGHT The flood blasts out of a wide pipe rocketing the animals into a murky, brick cavern with drainpipes on all sides and three inches of black water on its floor. Fox picks himself up, dazed and scared, and looks around at his soaked friends and their families. FOX What the cuss just happened? Something with water. That was dangerous. Is anyone hurt? BADGER (FURIOUS ) We're all hurt! My entire flint-mine just got demolished! FOX Let's do a head-count! Everybody pick a buddy! Each animal turns to his neighbor and establishes their buddy relationship. Fox looks wildly agitated as his eyes dart about, searching. He shouts: FOX Where'd the boys go? Ash? Kristofferson? Ash's voice cracks on the other side of the cavern: ASH I'm here. Everyone turns to see Ash standing at the mouth of a smaller pipe. He looks devastated and terrified. Fox points to him. FOX Ash! Who's your buddy? ASH Kristofferson, but I lost him. FOX You lost him? Where were you? ASH We went for cookies. Everyone turns to Fox. Fox yells desperately: 57. FOX Kristofferson! Fox sprints around the cavern, splashing, digging, and ducking in and out of tunnels as the others join his frantic search. His voice sounds pained as he shouts: FOX Kristofferson! Kristofferson! Kristofferson! CUT TO: The three farmers standing next to the fire truck. Bean holds a soaked, half-conscious Kristofferson up in the air by the tail. Kristofferson is quietly crying. BEAN Wrap this wet, little mutt in a newspaper and put him in a box with some holes punched in the top. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. NIGHT Everyone has gathered together. They are all in a state of shock. Fox turns to Mrs. Fox beside him. FOX Your brother's going to kill me, if he survives his double-pneumonia. Beaver runs into the brick cavern out of a drainpipe, SHOUTING: BEAVER There's only one way out of this sewer, but the manhole cover's closed, and there's a station-wagon parked on it -- which means we're permanently stuck down here. BADGER (BITTERLY) You still think we beat 'em, Foxy? Everyone turns to Fox and stares at him coldly. Fox sits down on the floor, in the water. He says quietly: FOX Somebody take over. I'm not in charge anymore. 58. Everyone looks around at each other. They don't know what to do. Mrs. Fox sits down in the water next to Fox. FOX You told me to change, but I can't -- (REALIZING) -- except, possibly, on some level, I think I just did. MRS. FOX (PAUSE) Well, then maybe we're not all going to die. Fox looks to Mrs. Fox. He stands up suddenly. He takes Mrs. Fox's hand. FOX Excuse us, everyone. Fox leads Mrs. Fox over to a ledge near a cement waterfall on the far side of the brick cavern. He puts his arm around her waist. FOX Badger's right. These farmers aren't going to quit until they catch me. I shouldn't have lied to your face. I shouldn't have resigned slash gotten fired from the Gazette. I shouldn't have pushed these farmers so far and tried to embarrass them and cuss with their heads. I enjoyed it, but I shouldn't have done it -- and now there's only one way out. Maybe if I hand myself over and let them kill me, stuff me, and hang me over their MANTELPIECE -- MRS. FOX (ICILY) You'll do no such thing. FOX (QUIETLY) Darling, maybe they'll let everyone else live. Mrs. Fox stares at Fox. She says desolately: MRS. FOX Why'd you have to get us into this, Foxy? 59. FOX I don't know, but I have a possible theory. I think I have this thing where I need everybody to think I'm the greatest -- the quote-unquote fantastic Mr. Fox -- and if they aren't completely knocked- out, dazzled, and kind of intimidated by me, then I don't feel good about myself. Mrs. Fox shakes her head and turns away. Fox continues: FOX Foxes traditionally like to court danger, hunt prey, and outsmart predators -- and that's what I'm actually good at! I think, at the end of the day, I'm just -- MRS. FOX (QUIETLY) We're wild animals. Fox smiles sadly and nods. He shrugs. FOX I guess we always were. I promise you: if I had all this to do over again, I'd have never let you down. It was always more fun when we did it together, anyway. Mrs. Fox has tears all over her face. Fox kisses her. He whispers in her ear: FOX I love you, Felicity. MRS. FOX I love you, too, but I shouldn't have married you. Mrs. Fox turns and walks away. Fox stares after her. He goes over to Ash. FOX Did I ever tell you about the time I learned we were going to have a cub? ASH In the fox-trap. FOX Right. We were at gun-point, and your MOTHER -- 60. ASH -- says she's pregnant. FOX Let me tell it, OK? I had no idea how we were going to get out of this jam, and then it hit me: what do foxes do better than any other animal? ASH Dig. FOX You're stepping on my lines. ASH Keep telling it. FOX So we dug. And the whole time I put paw over paw, scooping dirt and pebbles with your mother digging like crazy beside me, I kept wondering: who is this little boy going to be? ASH Or girl. FOX Or girl, right -- because at that point we didn't know. Fox grabs Ash by his shoulders and looks him in the eye. FOX Ash, I'm so glad he was you. Fox hugs Ash tightly, holds him for an instant, then let's go. He turns to the group. FOX Badger, organize a search party and try to find Kristofferson. Maybe he's alive. I'm sorry, everyone. I wish -- (HESITATES) Well, good-bye. Fox looks across the cavern to Mrs. Fox standing with her back to him. She turns to face him. Her eyes are burning. Fox smiles sadly. He races away down the drain-pipe. Everyone watches him disappear. Badger hesitates. He addresses the GROUP UNCERTAINLY: 61. BADGER I guess we should probably split into a certain number of groups and start doing something, right? INT. CONDUIT. NIGHT Fox sprints full-speed in the darkness. His claws scratch rattling along the iron floor and splash through puddles of shallow water. Fox stops suddenly. He stands up tall on his hind legs. His ears perk up. One pins back. He listens. CUT TO: Badger carrying a lantern leading Ash, Mole, and two small rabbits down a drainpipe. Badger calls out: BADGER Kristofferson? Hello? Can you hear us? Rat's voice echoes in the darkness: RAT Y'all lookin' for somethin'? Nothin' down here but rusty bottle-caps and drainin' water. Everyone stops short. Rat drops into the pipe from an overhead drain ahead of them. He says ominously: RAT They got the boy. BADGER (FROZEN) Who's got him? RAT The farmers three. You know who I'm talkin' about. BADGER (HESITATES) They've kidnapped him? RAT Well-done, Mr. Badger. You're a smart man. They want to trade the son for his poppa. 62. Rat flicks a folded letter through the air. Badger catches it. He opens it. Kylie looks over his shoulder. Badger frowns. BADGER Why'd they write this in letters cut out of magazines? KYLIE To protect their identities. (on second thought) Oh, right, but then why'd they sign their names? Plus, we already knew who they were because they're trying to kill us. INSERT: A ransom note written in letters cut out of magazines and pasted onto a piece of paper. Badger reads out loud: Mr. Fox, we have your son. If you ever want to see him alive again -- Ash calls out: ASH I'm his son. Everyone looks at Ash. He stands behind them in silhouette. Rat says darkly: RAT I can see the resemblance. Pause. In an instant, Rat grabs Ash by the tail, picks him up off the ground, swings him in the air, and flings him away twenty feet down the drainpipe. Badger looks stunned. Ash sits in a puddle in a stupor. Rat races toward him down the tunnel. He leaps into the air with his claws out and his teeth bared. As he is about to seize upon Ash -- he is suddenly jerked backwards and spun around. Rat is face to face with Fox. Fox strikes his old-fashioned boxing stance. He draws back and throws a hard punch, nailing Rat square in the jaw. Rat staggers, stunned. He swings his switchblade, cutting Fox across the chest. Fox touches the wound and looks at the blood on the fingers of his paw. He looks to Rat. Rat holds up his wrist and shows Fox a child's plastic digital watch with miniature footballs, baseballs, and soccer balls on it. He says strangely: 63. RAT I've still got it. FOX (FROWNING) What'd you just say? RAT I said I've still got the watch, Mr. Fox. She never asked for it back. A frozen moment. Fox springs forward and clamps his jaws onto Rat's throat. Rat tumbles over backwards. Fox pins him to the ground with his teeth in Rat's neck. Rat kicks and bucks and struggles, but Fox holds him fast. Rat goes limp. Fox releases him. Everyone slowly gathers around Fox and Rat. Ash kneels next to his father. Fox cradles Rat in his arms. Rat whispers: RAT The boy's locked in an apple crate on top of a gun-locker in the attic of Bean Annex. It's a set-up. FOX (SADLY) Would you have told me if I didn't kill you first? Rat smiles sickly. Blood drips from his mouth. His voice CREAKS: RAT Never. FOX (shaking his head) All these wasted years. What were you looking for, Rat? Fox wipes the blood from Rat's chin. Rat mutters. ASH He's trying to say something, Dad. Fox leans his ear close to Rat's mouth. As quiet as a mouse, RAT WHISPERS: RAT Cider. 64. Fox nods. He looks around the drainpipe. He cups his paw into the pool of murky water and holds it to Rat's lips. FOX Here you are, Rat. A beaker of Bean's finest secret cider. Rat's slivery, scratchity, long, pink tongue laps up a taste of the black liquid. He licks his lips and says faintly: RAT Like melted gold. Rat's eyes turn into X's. He is dead. Ash stands up. ASH He redeemed himself. FOX (SHRUGS) Redemption? Sure. Fox swallows and says hopelessly with tears in his eyes: FOX But, in the end -- he's just another dead rat in a garbage pail behind a Chinese restaurant. Ash puts his hand on Fox's shoulder. Fox lays Rat gently onto the sewer floor. He stands up and turns to the rest of the group. Badger claps his paws together. BADGER Well, I suppose we should -- FOX (INTERRUPTING) Excuse me, again, B. The search party's been cancelled. We're replacing it with a go-for-broke rescue mission. It's a set- up, but maybe we can make it work. You two little rabbits run tell the others. (YELLING) Now, go! The two little rabbits scurry away down the drainpipe. Badger walks with Fox and Ash. BADGER What was he saying about that wristwatch? I didn't get what he was talking about. 65. Fox hesitates. He shrugs and says with a sad nostalgia: FOX Just some old back-story. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. NIGHT The entire community of animals has reconnoitered in the brick cavern. Fox stands on a large spigot and addresses the group. He has a bandage on his chest. FOX In a way, I'm almost glad that flood interrupted us, because I don't like the toast I was giving. I'm going to start over. Fox pantomimes raising a long-stemmed glass. FOX When I look down this table with the exquisite feast set before us, I see: two terrific lawyers, a skilled pediatrician, a wonderful chef, a savvy real-estate agent, an excellent tailor, a crack accountant, a gifted musician, a pretty good minnow fisherman, and possibly the best landscape painter working on the scene today. As Fox describes them, the shot cuts to: Badger and Beaver; Mrs. Badger; Rabbit; Weasel; an especially small, waifish field mouse; Mole; Kylie (who looks slightly offended); and Mrs. Fox, respectively. FOX Maybe a few of you might even read my column from time to time. Who knows? I tend to doubt it. (DRAMATIC PAUSE) I also see a room full of wild animals. Everyone stares at Fox curiously, skeptical but intrigued. Fox points at them: FOX Wild animals with true natures and pure talents. Wild animals with scientific- sounding Latin names that mean something about our D.N.A. Wild animals each with his own strengths and weaknesses due to his or her species, and also -- well, I guess these things usually have a lot to (MORE) 66. FOX (CONT'D) do with the parents, as we all know. Anyway, I think it may very well be all the beautiful differences among us that just might give us the tiniest glimmer of a chance of saving my nephew and letting me make it up to you for getting us into this crazy whatever-it-is. I don't know. It's just a thought. Thank you for listening. Cheers, everyone. Fox motions with his imaginary glass and pantomimes drinking it. A few of the others reluctantly pantomime drinking. Fox finishes his glass and pantomimes throwing it on the floor. He makes a smashing-glass sound. Kylie shouts: KYLIE Let's eat! Everyone turns to Kylie uncertainly. Kylie hesitates. KYLIE What? I'm just playing along with the -- FOX (FORCEFULLY) All right! Let's start planning! Who knows shorthand? Pause. Badger points to his otter secretary. She is Linda. Fox darts over to her and grips her by the arm. FOX Linda! Lutra Lutra! You got some dry paper? Here we go! Fox, highly energized, moves among the group, touching their shoulders and patting their backs. FOX Mole! Talpa Europea! What do you got? MOLE (HESITATES) I can see in the dark? FOX (EXHILARATED) That's incredible! We can use that! Linda? LINDA (TAKING SHORTHAND) Got it. 67. FOX Rabbit! Oryctolagus Cuniculus! RABBIT I'm fast. FOX You bet your cuss you are! Linda? LINDA (TAKING SHORTHAND) Got it. FOX Beaver! Castor Fiber! BEAVER I can chew through wood. FOX Amazing! Linda? LINDA (TAKING SHORTHAND) Got it. FOX Badger! Meles Meles! BADGER Demolitions expert! FOX (CONFUSED) What? Since when? BADGER Explosions, flames, things that burn! FOX Demolitions expert! OK! Linda! LINDA (TAKING SHORTHAND) Got it! Fox's cheeks and forehead are beaded with perspiration. He SCREAMS INSANELY: FOX Weasel! Mustela Nivalis! 68. WEASEL Stop yelling! Fox snaps his fingers, kicks a rock, and throws his arm into the air. FOX All right! Fox points to the various cubs and pups. FOX All you little kids get organized and put together some kind of a K.P. unit or something to keep this sewer clean. It's good for morale. The field mouse shoves his way to the front of the crowd. He makes a fist with his paw. FIELD MOUSE I want to go with you, too! I want to fight! FOX (PAUSE) Good. Fabulous! Microtus Pennsylvanicus! Do you do that, in fact? Are field mice violent? FIELD MOUSE Not particularly, except maybe domestic/ kitchen sink-type stuff, but I have a hunch I might just -- (DEVIL-MAY-CARE) -- land a few good punches before I get stepped on, poisoned, or lured to my death by a little piece of cheese. Who's to say? FOX (smiling with admiration) You're a cuss of a lot bigger than you look, Rickity. Kylie tugs at Fox's sleeve. Fox turns to look at him. Kylie SAYS SHYLY: KYLIE I didn't get a job yet -- or a Latin name. What's my strength? Fox raises an eyebrow. He thinks of something: 69. FOX Listen, you're Kylie. You're an unbelievably nice guy. Your job is really just to... be available, I think. I don't know your Latin name. I doubt they even had opossums in ancient Rome. Kylie puts his hands in his pockets and scowls. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. NIGHT Mrs. Fox puts the finishing touches on a vast mural painted on the longest, tallest wall of the brick cavern. She stands on a ladder. Her sleeves are rolled up, and she is splattered with twelve different colors of paint. She looks down to Fox standing below with an entourage of Kylie, Badger, Linda, and Rickity. The animal children mop and scrub in the background. Ash stands leaning against a push-broom watching his parents. Fox surveys the mural. It is highly detailed, filled with the textures of the landscape, and decorated with images of flowers, leaves, acorns, etc. It is signed Felicity Fox. Fox opens his arms wide and shouts: FOX It's stupendous. Where's us? MRS. FOX (pointing to a spot) Right here. FOX Paint an X. INSERT: The bottom of the map. Mrs. Fox's paw paints a red X and puts a circle around it. The shot zooms out to reveal the entire valley -- no longer a painting on the brick wall. Lighting strikes at the horizon. Dark clouds loom over the three farmers' compounds. It looks exactly like one of Mrs. Fox's paintings of a landscape in a rainstorm. Bean's helicopter circles the area. EXT. HILL. NIGHT A bicycle messenger with a head-lamp rings his bell as he approaches the farmers' camp. He stops in front of Bean and hands him an envelope. Bean tears it open and unfolds the letter inside. INSERT: 70. A note written in letters cut out of magazines and pasted onto a piece of paper. It reads: Dear Farmers Boggis, Bunce, and Bean, I have no alternative but to agree to your terms. Move the station wagon and open the manhole cover below the foot of the drainpipe next to the cobbler's shop and meet me there today at 10 A.M. sharp. I will hand myself over to you in exchange for the boy's safe return. Cordially, Mr. Fox Bean frowns. He studies the letter. He shows it to Boggis and Bunce. BEAN Why'd he write this in letters cut out of magazines? BUNCE (SHRUGS) I don't know, but you did the same thing. BEAN (UNEASY) I don't trust this guy. Anyway, set up the ambush. INT. ATTIC. DAY The top floor of Bean Annex. The room is filled with boxes of Christmas ornaments, old sports equipment, two stained mattresses, and a broken birdcage. Cobwebs hang from the rafters below the sloped roof. Kristofferson stands with his hands in his pockets looking out between the slats from inside a padlocked apple crate on top of a gun locker in the corner. He clears his throat. He calls out politely: KRISTOFFERSON Could I have a cup of water, please? Kristofferson waits for a reply, but no one answers. He whistles to himself for a minute. He clears his throat again. He calls out: KRISTOFFERSON Excuse me! Excuse me? 71. Silence. INT. DRAINPIPE. DAY A cement conduit with an iron grating above it. A fast stream of sewer water runs along its side. Fox walks briskly down the pipe followed by his entourage and Ash. Their steps echo loudly. FOX Synchronize your clocks. The time is NOW -- Fox looks at his wrist. He is wearing Rat's plastic, digital, sports-themed wristwatch. FOX -- nine forty-five A.M. Everyone checks their watches. Badger points at Fox's wrist. BADGER Is that Rat's watch? FOX (VAGUELY) No. Originally, no. (PAUSE) Well, OK, here's the back-story: when I was a teenager I spent a summer working as a bar-back at a jazz pub called Django's where Rat played horn down near -- can I tell this another time? We should stay focused on what's happening right now. Ash comes up to Fox's side and says discreetly: ASH I should probably ride with you and Kylie since it's my fault Kristofferson got captured stealing those nutmeg-ginger- apple snaps. FOX (PUZZLED) I didn't understand a word of that sentence, but none of it matters, anyway, because it's too dangerous for you to come with us. 72. EXT. STREET. DAY An old craftsman looks out from the window of Ferguson Cobblers as he taps little nails into the heel of a loafer. A station-wagon with wood-grain side-panels and a flat tire sits parked on a manhole cover in front of the shop. Boggis, Bunce, and five armed farmhands watch as Bean monkeys with a slim-jim until he gets the car door jimmied. Bean hops inside. He starts the engine, puts his arm over the top of the seat as he looks back out the rear window, and throws the station-wagon into reverse. The farmers clear out of the way as Bean backs up off the manhole cover. Boggis and Bunce stick tools into the manhole cover and lift it open. INSERT: Rat's watch. It is now 10 A.M. CUT TO: Six armed farmhands on the roof of the Nag's Head Tavern. CUT TO: Seven armed farmhands in the bushes behind Sweetings Bakery. CUT TO: Eight armed farmers in the window of Harrison Travel. CUT TO: The Action 13 reporter and camera crew in an alley next to St. John's Coin-op Laundry. EXT. STREET. DAY Boggis, Bunce, and Bean crouch behind the open doors of a pick-up truck with three beagles. Boggis checks his carbine. Bunce loads his shotgun. Bean cocks his Luger. Fox's voice hollers from deep inside the manhole: FOX (O.S.) Did you bring the boy? BEAN Of course, we did! Say something, kid! Bunce presses play on a tape recorder. Kristofferson's voice comes over a loudspeaker: 73. KRISTOFFERSON'S VOICE Excuse me! Excuse me? Bunce presses stop. CUT TO: Fox and his entourage at the bottom off the manhole. Fox scoffs. He smiles and shakes his head. FOX Come on! That doesn't sound anything like him! It's amateur night in Dixie! Badger rapidly slaps two pieces of flint together. A bit chips off, and sparks fly from the break. He blows on some kindling. He takes a pinecone out of a basket. EXT. STREET. DAY A ribbon of white smoke rises out of the manhole. The three farmers watch curiously as it thickens and turns black. Bean frowns. BEAN What the cuss is he burning? A blazing pinecone shoots out of the manhole and flies through the air, over the farmers' heads. It lands in a trash can and lights some rubbish on fire. A man with a dart in one hand and a mug of ale in the other comes out of the Nag's Head and pours his beer into the trash can. The fire goes out. The three farmers laugh smugly. Bean shouts: BEAN Is that all you've got, Mr. Fox? Twenty-seven blazing pinecones shoot out of the manhole and hit: a wood-pile on the roof of the Nag's Head, a box of pastry wrappers in the bushes behind Sweetings, a stack of brochures in the window of Harrison Travel, a hay bale in the bed of the pick-up truck, Boggis, Bunce, Bean, and a crate of cam-corder batteries next to the Action 13 camera crew, which explodes. Farmers scatter, grabbing hoses, yelling, and tamping out the flames as the beagles bark, yelp, and scramble in the confusion. Rabbit darts out of the hole and races up the street. Six farmers chase after him, firing their weapons. 74. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. DAY Down in the brick cavern, Mole listens to a tin can attached to a string. He says urgently as he makes notations in a LEDGER: MOLE Twenty-eight pinecones fired! Twenty-two targets hit! Mrs. Fox, standing on her ladder, paints black checks quickly on the street in her mural. The stolen, portable television set sits in the corner, tuned into Action 13's coverage of the chaos in the street. CUT TO: Rabbit running full-steam out of the village being pursued by the six farmhands. He hurdles an empty Coke bottle lying on its side in the road. EXT. STREET. DAY Badger jumps out of the manhole and throws more blazing pinecones at farmers, trucks, parked cars, doors, windows, and the Action 13 camera crew. Seven farmhands chase him down a cobblestone lane. Weasel and Beaver climb out with straws in their paws and start firing blueberries toward the disoriented beagles. The beagles eat blueberries. They fall over. Eight farmhands chase Weasel and Beaver up a wooded path. Rickity, the field mouse, bounds out of the hole and leaps into the fracas. He fires a rubber band at Bunce off a paperclip. It snaps Bunce in the corner of his eye. Rickity lets out a little whoop. There is a small explosion and a burst of flames blasts from the manhole. Fox and Kylie jump out and run over to a vehicle with a tarp over it parked in front of Paddington Automotive. Fox whips off the tarp, revealing a miniature motorcycle with a sidecar. CUT TO: Fox driving the motorcycle with Kylie in the sidecar. They both wear helmets and goggles. Thunder rumbles in the distance. Kylie sinks lower in the sidecar. He shouts to Fox over the sound of the motor: KYLIE Are you scared of wolves? 75. FOX Scared, no! I have a phobia of them! KYLIE Well, I have a thing about thunder! FOX (ANNOYED) Why? That's stupid! Ash pokes his head up from the rear compartment of the sidecar. He also wears a helmet and goggles. His white cape flutters behind him. He shouts: ASH I don't like needles! Fox and Kylie look to Ash in disbelief. Fox says furiously: FOX Where'd you come from again? How'd you get in the sidecar? I feel like I'm losing my mind! Fox angrily steers toward a small mound of dirt. They jump it slightly and fly over a little ditch. Ash yelps enthusiastically as Fox drives them back onto the road. INT. HELICOPTER. DAY A pilot with a red moustache and a South African accent flies Bean's chopper. He wears a Bean, inc. patch on his shoulder. He shouts into the microphone connected to his helmet: PILOT I've got a fox on a motorcycle with a littler fox and what looks to be an opossum in the sidecar riding north on farm lane seven. Does that sound like anything to anybody? A military-type voice responds over the radio: MILITARY VOICE (O.S.) Roger that, Red. Let me just, uh -- Oh, I think the boss wants to -- BEAN (0.S.) Red, it's Franklin Bean! Turn around, get the cuss back here, and pick us up on the A.S.A.P! 76. EXT. BEAN'S COMPOUND. DAY The Bean, inc. windmill spins briskly in the dusty winds. Shutters on the farmhouse bang open and shut. Leaves rustle on the branches of the apple trees. A few stray turkeys wander in the yard. A white-washed brick pile six stories tall sits apart from the other structures. The doors to its courtyard are made of iron and painted yellow. This is Bean Annex. The front gates of the farm are open, and a gardener waters vegetables next to the driveway. Fox, Kylie, and Ash look out from a high branch over a reinforced concrete and barbed-wire security barricade. FOX That's the annex over there on the right. Ash nods. Kylie does not respond. FOX The white building over there on the right. Pause. Fox looks to Kylie. FOX Kylie? Kylie turns to Fox and stares at him vacantly. Fox says SHARPLY: FOX Kylie! KYLIE What? (SUDDENLY) I did it! FOX When? I didn't see it! Kylie makes his slight gesture with his paw. The gardener puts three turnips into a basket and rides away on his bicycle. Fox, Kylie, and Ash scramble down the tree trunk. They come out of the bushes on their motorcycle and ride through the gates, across the yard, past the wandering turkeys. They park outside the courtyard doors to Bean Annex and jump off the motorcycle. 77. Fox climbs onto Kylie's shoulders and tries the knobs. They are locked. FOX Kylie, you got a credit card? KYLIE (digging in his pockets) Sure. FOX (IMPRESSED) See, this is what I was saying about how good you are at just being available for WHATEVER -- Kylie hands Fox a World Traveler Titanium Card. Fox frowns. FOX A Titanium Card? How the cuss did you qualify for this? KYLIE (SHRUGS) I pay my bills on time. I've always had good credit. Fox examines the card with mild resentment. He picks the lock and opens the doors. The courtyard has high walls and a gravel floor. On one side, there are ten trash cans, a stack of newspapers, and a compost heap. On the other side, there is an old, rusted, broken-down tractor and a new one. By far the largest, fattest, toughest beagle yet lies sleeping in the middle. White foam froths around its mouth as it breathes heavily. Its collar is hooked to a thick chain. A tag around its neck reads Spitz. Fox, Kylie, and Ash stop in their tracks. The beagle opens his eyes. Fox turns to Kylie. FOX Give me a blueberry. Kylie looks surprised. He shrugs. He shakes his head and gestures, I don't have any. Fox frowns. He throws up his hands in the air. Kylie makes a frustrated face. Fox points at him. Kylie looks away and snorts angrily. Fox looks away and spits at the ground. Ash says quietly: ASH What's that white stuff around his mouth? 78. KYLIE (SQUINTING) I think he eats soap. Fox sees an amber, plastic pharmacy bottle on a shelf above some bags of fertilizer. It's reads: Drug: Phenomoxylcarbobubytol, 10 mg NAME: SPITZ BREED: BEAGLE For: RABIES (chronic) Other: Take with meat, do not operate heavy machinery Fox frowns. He says grimly: FOX That's not soap. KYLIE (HESITATES) Well, then why does he have that bubbly -- FOX He's rabid. With rabies. I've heard about this beagle. The beagle stands up. Fox says carefully: FOX Easy, boy. Fox takes a cautious step toward the beagle. He holds out the back of his paw for the beagle to sniff. He says back over his shoulder to Kylie and Ash: FOX I'm going to try to befriend him. I feel like there's a tenderness in his eyes. Fox takes another step. He makes a soft, kissing noise. The beagle watches him calmly. FOX Yes, I'm right. He's a good boy. A little lonely, maybe, but -- Fox takes another cautious step. FOX -- but terribly sweet. Hello, there, boy. Is your name Spitz? That's German, isn't it? 79. KYLIE (aside, to Ash) I thought he said you never look a beagle in the eye. FOX (COAXINGLY) Why, you're just as sweet as a -- Fox and the beagle lock eyes. The pupils of the beagle's eyes contract then completely disappear, and the whites turn bright red. Fox's eyes open wider than their sockets. The rabid beagle erupts ballistically, attacking like an enraged maniac. His chain rips out of the cement. Fox, Kylie, and Ash shriek and scream, sprinting frantically around the courtyard as the rabid beagle, frothing, roaring, and snapping, tries desperately to kill them. Fox shouts, his voice cracking like a grandmother's: FOX Climb the trellis! In well under a second, Fox, Kylie, and Ash scale the trellis six stories -- Kylie's pants catching on a nail and ripping off on the way up -- and find themselves standing on the roof of Bean Annex. Kylie wears blue Fruit-of-the-Looms with a pattern of stars, moons, and planets on them. They all look down at the rabid beagle, which continues to pitch an insane fit, running in circles after its tail at the bottom of the courtyard. Fox takes in their new surroundings. He says, pleased: FOX So the attic is probably in the area right up around here somewhere, I figure, huh? Kylie and Ash, panting and dripping with sweat, both stare at Fox vacantly. (NOTE: a second set of alternate eyeballs indicating Kylie's vacant look will be used for Ash in this shot.) FOX (IRRITATED) Come on, guys. Stay with me. We did good. That's just some dog. Let's not get traumatized. 80. EXT. ROOF. DAY Bean's helicopter lands on top of the Nag's Head. Fires smolder and farmers continue to chase around after animals in the village streets below. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean, leaning over and holding onto their hats, run to the chopper and climb inside. They take off. CUT TO: The street below. An orange and yellow Citroen van screeches into the melee. Painted yellow letters spell Badoit et Fils, Destruction des Animaux Nuisibles on the side of it with an image of a trapped fox. An old man with a grey moustache and a young man with a black moustache, both dressed in orange-and-yellow-striped uniforms, jump out of the van. They open the side door and start unloading stacks of metal cages. CUT TO: Rabbit still running full-steam down a country lane being pursued by the six farmhands. INT. ATTIC. DAY Kristofferson stands inside the apple crate leaning against the wall with his legs crossed and one arm akimbo with his hand on his hip. There is a clanking sound from above. Kristofferson looks up. A trap door in the ceiling creaks open. Fox, Kylie, and Ash look inside, down at Kristofferson. Kristofferson smiles oddly and says in a surprised, fancy-meeting-you-here voice: KRISTOFFERSON Hi! CUT TO: Fox and Kylie lowering Ash into the room with three different- colored shoelaces tied together and belted around his waist. Ash holds the shoelace and keeps a paw behind his back like a mountaineer. His feet touch down on the shelf. He runs to the apple crate and jiggles the padlock. He hesitates. He says SUDDENLY: ASH Can I get one of those karate lessons real quick? 81. KRISTOFFERSON (LONG PAUSE) OK. Normally, we start with some breathing exercises and such. Stand like this. Kristofferson stands with his paws clasped in front of him. Ash mimics this. CUT TO: A fox-trap hanging from a chain suspended above the alley behind the Nag's Head Tavern. A second one hangs behind Sweetings Bakery. A third one hangs behind Harrison Travel. A fourth one hangs behind St. John's Coin-op Laundry. A fifth one hangs behind Ferguson Cobblers. Rickity curiously examines a little, hanging wire. He mutters TO HIMSELF: RICKITY Is this spring-loaded? CUT TO: Kristofferson continuing Ash's karate lesson: KRISTOFFERSON This next part is mental. Position yourself on the balls of your feet. Kristofferson stands lightly poised with his arms out. Ash mimics this. KRISTOFFERSON Close your eyes. Kristofferson closes his eyes. So does Ash. So do Fox and Kylie. Kristofferson says mystically: KRISTOFFERSON You weigh less than a slice of bread. CUT TO: Each fox-trap in rapid succession as it falls on: Rickity, Badger, Weasel, and Beaver. The two small rabbits watch from a sewer-gutter drain under the street-curb. They panic. They race down a pipe, into a tunnel, and through a conduit. CUT TO: Kristofferson continuing Ash's karate lesson: 82. KRISTOFFERSON Let's review the principle agility techniques: jumping, flipping, landing. CUT TO: Mrs. Fox looking down from her ladder at the three, panting rabbits. She looks stunned. She motions to her mural/map and SAYS: MRS. FOX Show me where they are! CUT TO: The two small rabbits, Mrs. Rabbit, Mrs. Badger, Mole, and Mrs. Fox each furiously digging a new tunnel. KRISTOFFERSON (V.0.) Now for a rudimentary version of the cyclone chop. CUT TO: Kristofferson continuing Ash's karate lesson: KRISTOFFERSON First, you need to get a running start, which, obviously, I can't do in here, then, as you arrive at the destination of the chop -- (DEMONSTRATING) -- lean and thrust into the point of contact, paw remains open and straight, then withdraw instantaneously. Remember, it's the pull-back that matters. The pull- BACK -- (DEMONSTRATING) -- generates the force of the impact. ASH (IMMEDIATELY) Got it. Ash walks ten paces away to the far end of the shelf. Fox and Kylie watch from above. Kylie says excitedly: KYLIE He's going to do it! Fox makes a face that says, I'm not so sure. Ash takes a deep breath. He screams at the top of his lungs as he sprints toward the apple crate: 83. ASH Ki-ya! Ash's toe catches on a loose nail. He somersaults twice through the air and bounces off the side of the apple crate, which falls off the shelf. Kristofferson braces himself. The apple crate hits the floor and shatters into pieces. Kristofferson lies among the wreckage. Ash looks over the side of the shelf. Fox and Kylie watch from above, grimacing. ASH I'm sorry. KRISTOFFERSON (DAZED) That's all right. You were just trying to unlock the apple crate. ASH No, I mean I'm sorry about -- KRISTOFFERSON (picking himself up) Oh, you mean from before. The apology you owed me which you never actually said. ASH Yeah. Kristofferson nods sadly. He takes a deep breath. He nods again. KRISTOFFERSON That's all right, too. Throw me the shoelace, please. Ash smiles. CUT TO: Badger trapped in his cage. He hears something. He looks quickly down the alley. The old, orange van turns the corner and approaches, bumping over potholes. Badger shrinks into the corner of the cage and mutters grimly to himself: BADGER Badoit et fils. 84. A cobblestone beside Badger suddenly drops straight down and disappears into the ground. Badger recoils, scared and confused. Mrs. Fox pokes her head up through the hole. She is beaded with perspiration and breathes heavily. Her fur is wildly dishevelled. She looks to the van driving up the alley. She looks to Badger. She extends her paw to him and says FIERCELY: MRS. FOX Let's go! EXT. YARD. DAY Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson come around the side of the building. They run to their motorcycle, outside the courtyard doors. They freeze. The front gates to the compound are closed and bolted. Bean's helicopter waits on top of the vegetable garden with its rotar-blades whirling. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean stand in front of Bean Annex with their weapons drawn. Fox sees his tail around Bean's collar. His eyes narrow. His jaw sets. He says to himself with growing emotion: FOX Your tractors uprooted my tree. Your posse hunted my family. Your gunmen kidnapped my nephew. Your rat insulted my wife -- and you shot off my tail. (STEELY) I'm not leaving here without that neck- tie. Bean smiles his sickly smile. Fox smiles back defiantly. Kylie looks utterly baffled. Ash says mystically: ASH I weigh less than a slice of bread. FOX (HESITATES) What? ASH I'll be right back. Ash runs. Fox, Kylie, and Kristofferson watch, shocked, as Ash sprints back to the courtyard doors. The three farmers open fire at him. Fox, Kylie, and Kristofferson duck and take cover behind a hay-bale. 85. Ash dodges bullets. He jumps off the balls of his feet with his arms out over a sprinkler-pipe and swings like a gymnast onto a clothesline, then flies through the air doing another of his spectacularly awkward four-armed and three-legged back- flips. He lands on the handle of one of the courtyard doors AND SCREAMS: ASH Ki-ya! Ash cyclone-chops the doorknob. The lock clicks. Ash's eyes light up. Ash drops to the ground. He digs a hole and burrows into the dirt as bullets fly everywhere. He breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth. Fox watches with his jaw hanging open. The courtyard doors smash apart and the rabid beagle tears out into the vegetable garden growling, foaming, and thrashing crazily. The farmers shriek and scream and run around, panicking, with their guns blazing. Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson jump onto their motorcycle. The beagle rips the tail from Bean's neck, shreds it, chews it up, and swallows it. Fox deflates for an instant, then recovers. He looks to Ash on the back of the motorcycle, behind him, with his hands around Fox's waist. He says with the deepest affection and respect: FOX Ash, that was pure, wild animal craziness. You're an athlete. Ash swallows. He beams. He sits up straighter. (NOTE: from this point onwards, an alternate version of Ash will be used which is slightly taller, slightly leaner, and animated slightly more gracefully.) Fox kick-starts the motorcycle and races across the farm. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean scramble onto the roof of a car port with an old, white Mercedes convertible under it. The snarling beagle barks and snaps below them. They watch as: Fox steers the motorcycle toward a broken apple cart at the edge of the property. He guns the motor and yells: FOX Holy swearing cuss!!! 86. Fox races the motorcycle up the apple cart, into the air, and over the concrete barricade. They land in the middle of the road, skidding, and speed off down the hill. CUT TO: Boggis, Bunce, and Bean watching from the roof of the car port. Boggis turns to Bean and says, deadpan, needling him: BOGGIS Franklin? You got any final twist for this plot? BEAN (PAUSE) Yeah! Bean grabs Boggis by the neck and throttles him. Bunce starts throwing punches. Bean holds him back by the forehead. Boggis kicks Bunce in the stomach. They brawl chaotically while the rabid beagle continues to go bananas below them. CUT TO: Each fox-trap with a cobblestone missing underneath it and a hole in the ground. The old man with the grey moustache turns to his son and says with a strong French accent: BADOIT Cuss. INT. SEWER SYSTEM. DAY Mrs. Fox sits anxiously at the bottom of her ladder. Badger, Weasel, Rickity, the two small rabbits, and the others sit, exhausted, in the dark cavern, passing a jar of cider. Mole INTERRUPTS: MOLE Stand by! Everyone looks to Mole. Mole is holding the tin can with the string attached to it to his ear. He nods and says urgently: MOLE I just intercepted a high-frequency radio signal with the can -- (gestures with the tin can) -- and I think they're on their way home! 87. Mrs. Fox jumps up, embraces Mole, and kisses him on the snout. Mole blushes. CUT TO: Rabbit still running full-steam back into the village being pursued by the six farmhands. He comes to the manhole where they started and darts into it. The six farmhands stop at the manhole and look down. They go straight to the Nag's Head, walk inside, and close the door behind them. EXT. ROAD. DAY Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson ride down a country road. Kylie sees something across the meadow. He says warily: KYLIE Don't turn around! FOX What? Fox turns around. A huge, wild, grey wolf with ice-blue eyes stands on a rock fifty feet away from them. Fox slams on the brakes. The motorcycle slides to a halt. FOX Where'd he come from? (LOUDLY) Where'd you come from? What are you doing here? Pause. Fox points toward the wolf: FOX Canis lupus! Fox points to himself: FOX Vulpes Vulpes! The wolf does not answer. Fox, Kylie, Ash, and Kristofferson watch idling from the motorcycle. FOX I don't think he speaks English or Latin. (LOUDLY) Pensez-vous que 1'hiver sera rude? (ASIDE) I'm asking if he thinks we're in for a hard winter. 88. The wolf shakes his head. Fox nods. FOX He doesn't seem to know. Silence. Fox shouts to the wolf with a strange hitch in his VOICE: FOX I have a phobia of wolves! The wolf does not answer. It breathes heavily with its mouth open. Its teeth are long, sharp, and yellow. Its tongue hangs out, and its eyes are wild. Fox looks back at it with the identical expression for a minute, mesmerized -- then Fox closes his mouth and his eyes soften. Fox raises his paw in the air. The wolf blinks a few times. It raises its paw in the air. It turns away and trots off into the woods. Fox says wistfully: FOX What a beautiful creature. Wish him luck, boys. Fox guns the motor. Gravel spits from under the spinning tires, and they tear off down the road. The shot booms down into the ground, below the grass, through buried pebbles, layers of soil, and subterranean mineral deposits. TITLE: THREE DAYS LATER (2 1/2 Fox Weeks) The shot continues to descend past Badger and his family having dinner in a nicely furnished drain-pipe, past Rabbit and his family watching Magnum, P.I. on the stolen, portable television set in a well-appointed cement tunnel, past Beaver and Mrs. Beaver hosting Mole and Weasel for cocktails in a tasteful sewer-conduit. The shot stops in a small chamber adjacent to the brick cavern. The walls are filled with electrical cables, wires, pipes, and a large, new mural which depicts the Fox's former view of the valley as seen from their tree with a trompe 1'oeil window-frame around it. It is signed Felicity Fox. Ash and Kristofferson sit Indian-style meditating on a braided rug. Mrs. Fox works mixing paints and turpentine at an easel in the corner. There is an armchair with a folded-up copy of the Gazette on its cushion in the center of the room under a glowing lamp. Classical music plays on a radio. 89. Fox swings his head into the room from a tunnel. He says GENTLY: FOX My darlings? Everyone looks to Fox. He signals them to follow him. INT. DRAINPIPE. NIGHT The cement conduit with the iron grating above it. Fox and his family walk briskly down the pipe. A knitted, woolen, artificial tail has been sewn into the seat of Fox's trousers. ASH Where are we going? FOX Nobody knows. ASH We were in the middle of a meditation practice. FOX Watch your step. Fox takes everyone through an opening and starts climbing a metal ladder. He says theatrically: FOX Let's see, now. Where does this lead? MRS. FOX Oh, no, Foxy. It's filthy. FOX Keep a good grip, everyone. ASH This better be worth it. FOX I think I see a little sliver of light. What's this? Is that a door? MRS. FOX You're a terrible actor, Foxy. 90. KRISTOFFERSON Do you smell something? Is that -- (SNIFFS TWICE) -- freon? FOX Shh. I'm going to crack open this trap door and see if something's on the other side. I highly doubt it, though. There's probably just more sewer. Fox clears his throat. Pause. FOX You know, wouldn't it be surprising if -- ASH Open it. Fox pushes open the trap door and crawls out. Everyone follows him. INT. SUPERMARKET. NIGHT Fox and his family stand in the middle of an aisle at the center of a large grocery store. To their left is the refrigerated section of milk, eggs, meat, fish, and cheese. To their right are canned goods, breakfast cereal, laundry detergent, rice, pasta, and condiments. The lights are half- dimmed, and a metal grate is closed over the front windows. There are no people. Fox says casually: FOX Hey, look! There's a whole, enormous, glorious, gigantic supermarket up here! Ash and Kristofferson seem dumbstruck. Fox raises an eyebrow and smiles at Mrs. Fox. She puts her arm around his shoulder. MRS. FOX You really are kind of a quote-unquote fantastic fox. FOX (SHRUGS) I try. I guess now that Kristofferson's dad's already down to single-pneumonia and getting better, he'll be going home soon, huh? MRS. FOX Actually, when he spoke to me from the hospital, he said he was already talking (MORE) 91. MRS. FOX (cont'd) to Weasel about real-estate availabil- ities down in our sewer system. FOX Oh, really? Well, now's the time to buy. Kylie comes around the end of the aisle pushing a miniature shopping cart filled with jars of jelly, jam, olives, pickles, and honey, plus three loaves of bread, Band-Aids, toothpaste, and a carton of strawberry ice cream. He says BRIGHTLY: KYLIE Did I hear my name? FOX (SMILING) Not down here, you didn't. KYLIE (SMILING BLANKLY) Why not? FOX Because we were talking about other things. KYLIE (RESIGNED) Oh, well. Fox looks at Ash, who is studying a twelve-pack of tropical juice punch-boxes. FOX The white cape rather suits him, doesn't it? Actually, I had to do quite a bit of searching myself before I found a look that really flattered me. Remember those horseshoe cuff-links? Fox and Mrs. Fox crack-up laughing. Fox notices something and stops. He stares at Mrs. Fox strangely. She is glowing. She hesitates. She shrugs. MRS. FOX I'm pregnant again. Fox is confused and moved. He holds Mrs. Fox's face in his paws. She smiles. Ash interrupts: ASH Dad? 92. Fox and Mrs. Fox look to Ash. An empty punch-box lies on its side behind him with a straw sticking out of it. There is a huge, purple stain all over the front of his white shirt. ASH Should we dance? Pause. Everyone breaks out giddily dancing an ecstatic jig. Kylie waltzes the cart in circles. Fox spins Mrs. Fox. CUT TO: A wide shot of all sixteen aisles of the supermarket stacked with boxes, cartons, cans, bottles, bags, and jars of every possible variety of food. The family of foxes continues to dance at the distant end of the center aisle. EXT. STREET. DAY Boggis, Bunce, and Bean sit silently in folding metal chairs around the manhole. Boggis's carbine rests across his lap. Bunce's shotgun hangs from a strap over his shoulder. Bean cleans his Luger. Petey sits on a cider box outside the Nag's Head strumming his guitar in the background. The bartender pulls the shutters shut and flips a sign on the door to Closed. Petey starts singing his song as the credits roll. The sun sets. The farmers sit waiting in the dark.

FARGO FARGO a screenplay by Ethan Coen and Joel Coen The following text fades in over black: This is a true story. The events depicted in this film took place in Minnesota in 1987. At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occured. FLARE TO WHITE FADE IN FROM WHITE Slowly the white becomes a barely perceptible image: white particles wave over a white background. A snowfall. A car bursts through the curtain of snow. The car is equipped with a hitch and is towing another car, a brand-new light brown Cutlass Ciera with the pink sales sticker showing in its rear window. As the car roars past, leaving snow swirling in their dirft, the title of the film fades in. FARGO Green highway signs point the way to MOOREHEAD, MINNESOTA/FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA. The roads for the two cities diverge. A sign says WELCOME TO NORTH DAKOTA and another just after says NOW ENTERING FARGO, ND, POP. 44,412. The car pulls into a Rodeway Inn. HOTEL LOBBY A man in his early forties, balding and starting to paunch, goes to the reception desk. The clerk is an older woman. CLERK And how are you today, sir? MAN Real good now. I'm checking in - Mr. Anderson. The man prints "Jerry Lundega" onto a registration card, then hastily crosses out the last name and starts to print "Anderson." As she types into a computer: CLERK Okay, Mr. Anderson, and you're still planning on staying with us just the night, then? ANDERSON You bet. HOTEL ROOM The man turns on the TV, which shows the local evening news. NEWS ANCHOR - whether they will go to summer camp at all. Katie Jensen has more. KATIE It was supposed to be a project funded by the city council; it was supposed to benefit those Fargo-Moorehead children who would otherwise not be able to afford to attend a lakeshore summer camp. But nobody consulted city controller Stu Jacobson... CHAIN RESTAURANT Anderson sits alone at a table finishing dinner. Muzak plays. A middle-aged waitress approaches holding a pot of regular coffee in one hand and decaf in the other. WAITRESS Can I warm that up for ya there? ANDERSON You bet. The man looks at his watch. THROUGH A WINDSHIELD We are pulling into the snowswept parking lot of a one-story brick building. Broken neon at the top of the building identifies it as the Jolly Troll Tavern. A troll, also in neon, holds a champagne glass aloft. INSIDE The bar is downscale even for this town. Country music plays on the jukebox. Two men are seated in a booth at the back. One is short, slight, youngish. The other man is somewhat older, and dour. The table in front of them is littered with empty long-neck beer bottles. The ashtray is full. Anderson approaches. ANDERSON I'm, uh, Jerry Lundegaard - YOUNGER MAN You're Jerry Lundegaard? JERRY Yah, Shep Proudfoot said - YOUNGER MAN Shep said you'd be here at 7:30. What gives, man? JERRY Shep said 8:30. YOUNGER MAN We been sitting here an hour. I've peed three times already. JERRY I'm sure sorry. I - Shep told me 8:30. It was a mix-up, I guess. YOUNGER MAN Ya got the car? JERRY Yah, you bet. It's in the lot there. Brand-new burnt umber Ciera. YOUNGER MAN Yeah, okay. Well, siddown then. I'm Carl Showalter and this is my associate Gaear Grimsrud. JERRY Yah, how ya doin'. So, uh, we all set on this thing, then? YOUNGER MAN Sure, Jerry, we're all set. Why wouldn't we be? JERRY Yah, no, I'm sure you are. Shep vouched for you and all. I got every confidence in you fellas. They stare at him. An awkward beat. JERRY ... So I guess that's it, then. Here's the keys - CARL No, that's not it, Jerry. JERRY Huh? CARL The new vehicle, plus forty thousand dollars. JERRY Yah, but the deal was, the car first, see, then the forty thousand, like as if it was the ransom. I thought Shep told you - CARL Shep didn't tell us much, Jerry. JERRY Well, okay, it's - CARL Except that you were gonna be here at 7:30. JERRY Yah, well, that was a mix-up, then. CARL Yeah, you already said that. JERRY Yah. But it's not a whole pay- in-advance deal. I give you a brand-new vehicle in advance and - CARL I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. JERRY Okay. CARL I'm not gonna sit here and debate. I will say this though: what Shep told us didn't make a whole lot of sense. JERRY Oh, no, it's real sound. It's all worked out. CARL You want your own wife kidnapped? JERRY Yah. Carl Stares. Jerry looks blankly back. CARL ... You - my point is, you pay the ransom - what eighty thousand bucks? - I mean, you give us half the ransom, forty thousand, you keep half. It's like robbing Peter to play Paul, it doesn't make any - JERRY Okay, it's - see, it's not me payin' the ransom. The thing is, my wife, she's wealthy - her dad, he's real well off. Now, I'm in a bit of trouble - CARL What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry? JERRY Well, that's, that's, I'm not go inta, inta - see, I just need money. Now, her dad's real wealthy - CARL So why don't you just ask him for the money? Grimsrud, the dour man who has not yet spoken, now softly puts in with a Swedish-accented voice: GRIMSRUD Or your fucking wife, you know. CARL Or your fucking wife, Jerry. JERRY Well, it's all just part of this - they don't know I need it, see. Okay, so there's that. And even if they did, I wouldn't get it. So there's that on top, then. See, these're personal matters. CARL Personal matters. JERRY Yah. Personal matters that needn't, uh - CARL Okay, Jerry. You're tasking us to perform this mission, but you, you won't, uh, you won't - aw, fuck it, let's take a look at that Ciera. MINNEAPOLIS SUBURBAN HOUSE Jerry enters through the kitchen door, in a parka and a red plaid Elmer Fudd hat. He stamps snow off his feet. He is carrying a bag of groceries which he deposits on the kitchen counter. JERRY Hon? Got the growshries. VOICE Thank you, hon. How's Fargo? JERRY Yah, real good. VOICE Dad's here. DEN Jerry enters, pulling off his plaid cap. JERRY How ya doin', Wade? Wade Gustafson is mid-sixtyish, vigorous, with a full head of gray hair. His eyes remain fixed on the TV. WADE Yah, pretty good. JERRY Whatcha watchin' there? WADE Norstars. JERRY ... Who they playin'? WADE OOOoooh! His reaction synchronizes with a reaction from the crowd. KITCHEN Jerry walks back in, taking off his coat. His wife is putting on an apron. Jerry nods toward the living room. JERRY Is he stayin' for supper, then? WIFE Yah, I think so... Dad, are you stayin' for supper? WADE (off) Yah. DINING ROOM Jerry, his wife, Wade and Scotty, twelve years old, sit eating. SCOTTY May I be excused? JERRY Sure, ya done there? SCOTTY Uh-huh. Goin' out. WIFE Where are you going? SCOTTY Just out. Just McDonald's. JERRY Back at 9:30. SCOTTY Okay. WADE He just ate. And he didn't finish. He's going to McDonald's instead of finishing here? WIFE He sees his friends there. It's okay. WADE It's okay? McDonald's? What do you think they do there? They don't drink milkshakes, I assure you! WIFE It's okay, Dad. JERRY Wade, have ya had a chance to think about, uh, that deal I was talkin' about, those forty acres there on Wayzata? WADE You told me about it. JERRY Yah, you said you'd have a think about it. I understand it's a lot of money - WADE A heck of a lot. What'd you say you were gonna put there? JERRY A lot. It's a limited - WADE I know it's a lot. JERRY I mean a parking lot. WADE Yah, well, seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars is a lot - ha ha ha! JERRY Yah, well, it's a chunk, but - WADE I thought you were gonna show it to Stan Grossman. He passes on this stuff before it gets kicked up to me. JERRY Well, you know Stan'll say no dice. That's why you pay him. I'm asking you here, Wade. This could work out real good for me and Jean and Scotty - WADE Jean and Scotty never have to worry. WHITE A black like curls through the white. Twisting perspective shows that it is an aerial shot of a two-lane highway, bordered by snowfields. The highway carries one moving car. INT. CAR Carl Showalter is driving. Gaear Grimsrud stares blankly out. After a long beat: GRIMSRUD Where is Pancakes Hause? CARL What? GRIMSRUD We stop at Pancakes Hause. CARL What're you, nuts? We had pancakes for breakfast. I gotta go somewhere I can get a shot and a beer - and a steak maybe. Not more fuckin' pancakes. Come on. Grimsrud gives him a sour look. CARL ... Come on, man. Okay, here's an idea. We'll stop outside of Brainerd. I know a place there we can get laid. Wuddya think? GRIMSRUD I'm fuckin' hungry now, you know. CARL Yeah, yeah, Jesus - I'm sayin', we'll stop for pancakes, then we'll get laid. Wuddya think? GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is sitting in his glassed-in salesman's cubicle just off the showroom floor. On the other side of his desk sit an irate customer and his wife. CUSTOMER We sat here right in this room and went over this and over this! JERRY Yah, but that TruCoat - CUSTOMER I sat right here and said I didn't want no TruCoat! JERRY Yah, but I'm sayin', that TruCoat, you don't get it and you get oxidization problems. It'll cost you a heck of lot more'n five hunnert - CUSTOMER You're sittin' here, you're talkin' in circles! You're talkin' like we didn't go over this already! JERRY Yah, but this TruCoat - CUSTOMER We had us a deal here for nine- teen-five. You sat there and darned if you didn't tell me you'd get this car, these options, WITHOUT THE SEALANT, for nine- teen-five! JERRY Okay, I'm not sayin' I didn't - CUSTOMER You called me twenty minutes ago and said you had it! Ready to make delivery, ya says! Come on down and get it! And here ya are and you're wastin' my time and you're wastin' my wife's time and I'm payin' nineteen-five for this vehicle here! JERRY Well, okay, I'll talk to my boss... He rises, and, as he leaves: JERRY ... See, they install that TruCoat at the factory, there's nothin' we can do, but I'll talk to my boss. The couple watch him go to a nearby cubicle. CUSTOMER These guys here - these guys! It's always the same! It's always more! He's a liar! WIFE Please, dear. CUSTOMER We went over this and over this - NEARBY CUBICLE Jerry sits perched on the desk of another salesman who is eating lunch as he watches a hockey game on a small portable TV. JERRY So you're goin' to the Gophers on Sunday? SALESMAN You bet. JERRY You wouldn't have an extra ticket there? SALESMAN They're playin' the Buckeyes! JERRY Yah. SALESMAN Ya kiddin'! JERRY'S CUBICLE Jerry re-enters. JERRY Well, he never done this before, but seein' as it's special circumstances and all, he says I can knock one hunnert off that TruCoat. CUSTOMER One hundred! You lied to me, Mr. Lundegaard. You're a bald-faced liar! Jerry sits staring at his lap. CUSTOMER ... A fucking liar - WIFE Bucky, please! Jerry mumbles into his lap: JERRY One hunnert's the best we can do here. CUSTOMER Oh, for Christ's sake, where's my goddamn checkbook. Let's get this over with. WIDE EXTERIOR: TRUCK STOP There is a restaurant with many big rigs parked nearby, and a motel with an outsize Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox flanking its sign: BLUE OX MOTEL. MOTEL ROOM Carl Showalter and Gaear Grimsrud are in the twin beds having sex with two truck-stop hookers. CARL Oh, Jesus, yeah. HIS HOOKER There ya go, sugar. GRIMSRUD Nnph. HIS HOOKER Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. LATER The couples like in their respective beds, gazing at the offscreen TV. ED MCMAHON - Johnny's guests tonight will be Lee Majors, George Wendt, and Steve Boutsikaros from the San Diego Zoo, so keep that dial - LUNDEGAARD KITCHEN We hear a morning show on television. Jean Lundegaard is making coffee in the kitchen as Scott eats cereal at the table. JEAN I'm talkin' about your potential. SCOTT (absently) Uh-huh. JEAN You're not a C student. SCOTT Uhn. JEAN And yet you're gettin' C grades. It's this disparity there that concerns your dad and me. SCOTT Uh-huh. JEAN You know what a disparity is? SCOTT (testily) Yeah! JEAN Okay. Well, that's why we don't want ya goin' out fer hockey. SCOTT Oh, man! The phone rings. SCOTT ... What's the big deal? It's an hour - JEAN Hold on. She picks up the phone. JEAN ... Hello? PHONE VOICE Yah, hiya, hon. JEAN Oh, hiya, Dad. WADE Jerry around? JEAN Yah, he's still here - I'll catch him for ya. She holds the phone away and calls: JEAN ... Hon? VOICE Yah. JEAN It's Dad. VOICE Yah... Jerry enters in shirtsleeves and tie. JERRY ... Yah, okay... SCOTT Look, Dad, there is no fucking way - JEAN Scott! JERRY Say, let's watch the language - He takes the phone. JERRY How ya doin', Wade? WADE What's goin' on there? JERRY Oh, nothing, Wade. How ya doin' there? WADE Stan Grossman looked at your proposal. Says it's pretty sweet. JERRY No kiddin'? WADE We might be innarested. JERRY No kiddin'! I'd need the cash pretty quick there. In order to close the deal. WADE Come by at 2:30 and we'll talk about it. If your numbers are right, Stan says its pretty sweet. Stan Grossman. JERRY Yah. WADE 2:30. Click. Dial tone. JERRY Yah, okay. GUSTAFSON OLD GARAGE Jerry wanders through the service area where cars are being worked on. He stops by an Indian in blue jeans who is looking at the underside of a car that sits on a hydraulic lift with a cage light hanging off its innards. JERRY Say, Shep, how ya doin' there? SHEP Mm. JERRY Say, ya know those two fellas ya put me in touch with, up there in Fargo? SHEP Put you in touch with Grimsrud. JERRY Well, yah, but he had a buddy there. He, uh - SHEP Well, I don't vouch for him. JERRY Well, that's okay, I just - SHEP I vouch for Grimsrud. Who's his buddy? JERRY Carl somethin'? SHEP Never heard of him. Don't vouch for him. JERRY Well, that's okay, he's a buddy of the guy ya vouched for, so I'm not worryin'. I just, I was wonderin', see, I gotta get in touch with 'em for, I might not need it anymore, sumpn's happenin', see - SHEP Call 'em up. JERRY Yah, well, see, I did that, and I haven't been able to get 'em, so I thought you maybe'd know an alternate number or what have ya. SHEP Nope. Jerry slaps his fist into his open palm and snaps his fingers. JERRY Okay, well, real good, then. CAR Carl is driving. Grimsrud stares out front. After a beat: CARL ... Look at that. Twin Cities. IDS Building, the big glass one. Tallest skyscraper in the Midwest. After the Sears, uh, Chicago... You never been to Minneapolis? GRIMSRUD No. CARL ... Would it kill you to say something? GRIMSRUD I did. CARL "No." First thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a, that's a fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa, daddy, stand back, man. Shit, I'm sittin' here driving, man, doin' all the driving, whole fuckin' way from Brainerd, drivin', tryin' to, you know, tryin' to chat, keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one fucking thing just in the way of conversation. Grimsurd smokes, gazing out the window. CARL ... Well, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man. See how you like it... He drives. CARL ... Total silence... JERRY'S CUBICLE He is on the phone. JERRY Yah, real good. How you doin'? VOICE Pretty good, Mr. Lundegaard. You're damned hard to get on the phone. JERRY Yah, it's pretty darned busy here, but that's the way we like it. VOICE That's for sure. Now, I just need, on these last, these financing documents you sent us, I can't read the serial numbers of the vehicles on here, so I - JERRY But I already got the, it's okay, the loans are in place, I already got the, the what, the - VOICE Yeah, the three hundred and twenty thousand dollars, you got the money last month. JERRY Yah, so we're all set. VOICE Yeah, but the vehicles you were borrowing on, I just can't read the serial numbers on your applicaton. Maybe if you could just read them to me - JERRY But the deal's already done, I already got the money - VOICE Yeah, but we have an audit here, I just have to know that these vehicles you're financing with this money, that they really exist. JERRY Yah, well, they exist all right. VOICE I'm sure they do - ha ha! But I can't read their serial numbers here. So if you could read me - JERRY Well, but see, I don't have 'em in front a me - why don't I just fax you over a copy - VOICE No, fax is no good, that's what I have and I can't read the darn thing - JERRY Yah, okay, I'll have my girl send you over a copy, then. VOICE Okay, because if I can't correlate this note with the specific vehicles, then I gotta call back that money - JERRY Yah, how much money was that? VOICE Three hundred and twenty thousand dollars. See, I gotta correlate that money with the cars it's being lent on. JERRY Yah, no problem, I'll just fax that over to ya, then. VOICE No, no, fax is - JERRY I mean send it over. I'll shoot it right over to ya. VOICE Okay. JERRY Okay, real good, then. CLOSE ON TELEVISION A morning-show host in an apron stands behind a counter on a kitchen set. HOST So I seperate the - how the heck do I get the egg out of the shell without breaking it? Jean Lundegaard is curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee, watching the television. HOSTESS You just prick a little hole in the end and blow! Jean smiles as we hear laughter and applause from the studio audience. She hears something else - a faint scraping sound - and looks up. HOST Okay, here goes nothing. The scraping sound persists. Jean sets down her coffee cup and rises. From the studio audience: AUDIENCE Awoooo! KITCHEN We track toward the back door. A curtain is stretched tight across its window. Jean pulls the curtain back. Bright sunlight amplified by snow floods in. A man in an orange ski mask looks up from the lock. Jean gasps, drops the curtain, rutns and runs into - - a taller man, also in a ski mask, already in the house. We hear the crack of the back-door window being smashed. The tall man - Gaear Grimsrud - grabs Jean's wrist. She screams, staring at her own imprisoned wrist, then wraps her gaping mouth around Grimsrud's gloved thumb and bites down hard. He drops her wrist. As Carl enters, she races up the stairs. GRIMSRUD Unguent. CARL Huh? Grimsurd looks at his thumb. GRIMSRUD I need ... unguent. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM As the two men enter, a door at the far side is slamming shut. A cord snakes in under the door. MASTER BATHROOM Jean, sobbing, frantically pushes at buttons on the princess phone. The phone pops out of her hands, jangles across the tile floor, smashes against the door and then bounces away, its cord ripped free. With a groaning sound, the door shifts in its frame. BEDROOM Grimsrud has a crowbar jammed in between the bathroom door and frame, and is working it. BATHROOM Jean crosses to a high window above the toilet and throws it open. Snow that had drifted against the window sifts lightly in. Jean steps up onto the toilet. The door creaks, moving as one piece in its frame. Jean glances back as she steps up from the toilet seat to the tank. The groaning of the door ends with the wood around its knob splintering and the knob itself falling out onto the floor. The door swings open. Grimsrud and Carl enter. THEIR POV Room empty, window open. Carl strides to the window and hoists himself out. Grimsrud opens the medicine cabinet and delicately taps aside various bottles and tubes, seeking the proper unguent. He finds a salve but after a moment sets it down, noticing something in the mirror. The shower curtain is drawn around the tub. He steps toward it. As he reaches for the curtain, it explodes outward, animated by thrashing limbs. Jean, screaming, tangled in the curtain, rips it off its rings and stumbles out into the bedroom. Grimsrud follows. BEDROOM Jean rushes toward the door, cloaked by the shower curtain but awkwardly trying to push it off. UPSTAIRS LANDING Still thrashing, Jean crashes against the upstairs railing, trips on the curtain and falls, thumping crazily down the stairs. Grimsrud trots down after her. A PLAQUE: WADE GUSTAFSON INCORPORTATED INT. WADE'S OFFICE Wade sits behind his desk; another man rises as Jerry enters. JERRY How ya doin' there, Stan? How are ya, Wade? Stan Grossman shakes his hand. STAN Good to see ya again, Jerry. If these numbers are right, this looks pretty sweet. JERRY Oh, those numbers are all right, bleemee. WADE This is do-able. STAN Congratulations, Jerry. JERRY Yah, thanks, Stan, it's a pretty - WADE What kind of finder's fee were you looking for? JERRY ... Huh? STAN The financials are pretty thorough, so the only thing we don't know is your fee. JERRY ... My fee? Wade, what the heck're you talkin' about? WADE Stan and I're okay. JERRY Yah. WADE We're good to loan in. JERRY Yah. WADE But we never talked about your fee for bringin' it to us. JERRY No, but, Wade, see, I was bringin' you this deal for you to loan me the money to put in. It's my deal here, see? Wade scowls, looks at Stan. STAN Jerry - we thought you were bringin' us an investment. JERRY Yah, right - STAN You're sayin' - what're you sayin'? WADE You're sayin' that we put in all the money and you collect when it pays off? JERRY No, no. I - I'd, I'd - pay you back the principal, and interest - heck, I'd go - one over prime - STAN We're not a bank, Jerry. Wade is angry. WADE What the heck, Jerry, if I wanted bank interest on seven hunnert'n fifty thousand I'd go to Midwest Federal. Talk to Bill Diehl. STAN He's at Norstar. WADE He's at - JERRY No, see, I don't need a finder's fee, I need - finder's fee's, what, ten percent, heck that's not gonna do it for me. I need the principal. STAN Jerry, we're not just going to give you seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. WADE What the heck were you thinkin'? Heck, if I'm only gettin' bank interest, I'd look for complete security. Heck, FDIC. I don't see nothin' like that here. JERRY Yah, but I - okay, I would, I'd guarantee ya your money back. WADE I'm not talkin' about your damn word, Jerry. Geez, what the heck're you?... Well, look, I don't want to cut you out of the loop, but his here's a good deal. I assume, if you're not innarested, you won't mind if we move on it independently. PARKING LOT We are high and wide on the office building's parking lot. Jerry emerges wrapped in a parka, his arms sticking stiffly out at his sides, his breath vaporizing. He goes to his car, opens its front door, pulls out a red plastic scraper and starts methodically scraping off the thin crust of ice that has developed on his windshield. The scrape-scrape-scrape sound carries in the frigid air. Jerry goes into a frenzy, banging the scraper against the windshield and the hood of his car. The tantrum passes. Jerry stands pantin, staring at nothing in particular. Scrape-scrape-scrape - he goes back to work on the windshield. FRONT DOOR A beat, silent but for a key scraping at the lock. The door swings open and Jerry edges in, looking about, holding a sack of groceries. JERRY Hon? He shuts the door. JERRY ... Got the growshries... He has already seen the shower curtain on the floor. He frowns, pokes at it with his foot. JERRY ... Hon? UPSTAIRS BATHROOM Jerry walks in. He sets the groceries down on the toilet tank. He looks at the open window, through which snow still sifts in. He shuts it. He picks up the small tube of uguent that sits on the sink, frowns at it, puts it back in the medicine chest. He looks at the shower curtain rod holding empty rings. FOYER Once again we are looking at the rumpled shower curtain. From another room: JERRY Yah, Wade, I - it's Jerry, I. Then, slightly more agitated. JERRY ... Yah, Wade, it's, I, it's Jerry... Beat. JERRY ... Wade, it's Jerry, I - we gotta talk, Wade, it's terrible... Beat. LIVING ROOM Jerry stands in wide shot, hands on hips, looking down at a telephone. After a motionless beat he picks up the phone and punches in a number. JERRY ... Yah, Wade Gustafson, please. BLACK Hold in black. A slow tilt down from night sky brings the head of a large paper-mache figure into frame. It is a flannel-shirt woodsman carrying a double-edged ax over one shoulder. As we hear the rumble of an approaching car, the continuing tilt and boom down brings us down the woodsman's body to a pedestal. A sweep of headlights illuminates a sign on the pedestal: WELCOME TO BRAINDERD - HOME OF PAUL BUNYAN. The headlights sweep off and a car hums past and on into the background. The two-lane highway is otherwise empty. INT. CAR Carl drives. Grimsrud smokes and gazes out the window. From the back seat we hear whimpering. Grimsrud turns to look. Jean lies bound and curled on the back seat underneath a tarpaulin. GRIMSRUD Shut the fuck up or I'll throw you back in the trunk, you know. CARL Geez. That's more'n I've heard you say all week. Grimsrud stares at him, then turns back to the window. At a loud WHOOP Carl starts and looks back out the rear window. Fifty yards behind a state trooper has turned on his gumballs. Carl eases the car onto the shoulder. CARL Ah, shit, the tags... Grimsrud looks at him. CARL ... It's just the tags. I never put my tags on the car. Don't worry, I'll take care of this. He looks into the back seat as the car bounces and slows on the gravel shoulder. CARL ... Let's keep still back there, lady, or we're gonna have to, ya know, to shoot ya. Grimsrud stares at Carl. CARL ... Hey! I'll take care of this! Both cars have stopped. Carl looks up at the rear-view mirror. The trooper is stopped on the shoulder just behind them, writing in his citation book. Carl watches. We hear the trooper's door open. The trooper walks up the shoulder, one hand resting lightly on top of his holster, his breath steaming in the cold night air. Carl opens his window as the trooper draws up. CARL How can I help you, officer? The trooper scans the inside of the car, taking his time. Grimsrud smokes and gazes calmly out his window. Finally: TROOPER This is a new car, then, sir? CARL It certainly is, officer. Still got that smell! TROOPER You're required to display temporary tags, either in the plate area or taped inside the back window. CARL Certainly - TROOPER Can I see your license and registration please? CARL Certainly. He reaches for his wallet. CARL ... I was gonna tape up the temporary tag, ya know, to be in full compliance, but it, uh, it, uh ... must a slipped my mind... He extends his wallet toward the trooper, a folded fifty- dollar bill protruding from it. CARL ... So maybe the best thing would be to take care of that, right here in Brainerd. TROOPER What's this, sir? CARL That's my license and regis- tration. I wanna be in compliance. He forces a laugh. CARL ... I was just thinking I could take care of it right here. In Brainerd. The policeman thoughtfully pats the fifty into the billfold and hands the billfold back into the car. TROOPER Put that back in your pocket, please. Carl's nervous smile fades. TROOPER ... And step out of the car, please, sir. Grimsrud, smiling thinly, shakes his head. There is a whimpering sound. The policeman hesitates. Another sound. The policeman leans forward into the car, listening. Grimsrud reaches across Carl, grabs the trooper by the hair and slams his head down onto the car door. The policeman grunts, digs awkwardly for footing outside and throws an arm for balance against the outside of the car. With his free hand, Grimsrud pops the glove compartment. He brings a gun out and reaches across Carl and shoots - BANG - into the back of the trooper's head. Jean screams. GRIMSRUD Shut up. He releases the policeman. The policeman's head slides out the window and his body flops back onto the street. Carl looks out at the cop in the road. CARL (softly) Whoa... Whoa, Daddy. Grimsrud takes the trooper's hat off of Carl's lap and sails it out the open window. GRIMSRUD You'll take care of it. Boy, you are smooth smooth, you know. CARL Whoa, Daddy. Jean, for some reason, screams again. Then stops. GRIMSRUD Clear him off the road. CARL Yeah. He gets out. EXT. ROAD Carl leans down to hoist up the body. Headlights appear: an oncoming car. INT. CIERA Grimsrud notices. EXT. ROAD The car approaches, slowing. Carl, with the trooper's body hoisted halfway up, is frozen in the headlights. The car accelerates and roars past and away. We just make out the silhouettes of two occupants in front. INT. CIERA Grimsrud slides into the driver's seat. He squeals into a U- turn, the driver's door slamming shut with his spin. Small red tail lights fishtail up ahead. The pursued car churns up fine snow. Grimsrud takes the cigarette from his mouth and stubs it in his ashtray. We hear the churning of the car wheels and the pinging of snow clods and salt on the car's underside. In the back seat, Jean starts screaming. Grimsrud is not gaining on the tail lights. He fights with the wheel as his car swims on the road face. The red tail lights ahead start to turn. With a distant crunching sound, they disappear. The headlights now show only empty road, starting to turn. Grimsrud frowns and slows. His headlights show the car up ahead off the road, crumpled around a telephone pole, having failed to hold a turn. Grimsrud brakes. Jean slides off the back seat and thumps into the legwell. Grimsrud sweeps his gun off the front seat, throws open his door and gets out. EXT. ROAD The wrecked car's headlights shine off into a snowfield abutting the highway. A young man in a down parka is limping across the snowfield, away from the wrecked car. Grimsrud strides calmly out after the injured boy. He raises his gun and fires. With a poof of feathers, a hole opens up in the boy's back and he pitches into the snow. Grimsrud walks up to the wreck and peers in its half-open door. A young woman is trapped inside the twisted wreckage, injured. Snow swirls in the headlights of the wreck. Grimsrud raises his gun and fires. AN OIL PAINTING A blue-winged teal in flight over a swampy marshland. The room in which it hangs is dark. We hear off-screen snoring. We track off to reveal an easel upon which we see a half- completed oil of a grey mallard. The continuing track reveals a couple in bed, sleeping. The man, fortyish, pajama-clad, is big, and big-bellied. His mouth is agape. He snores. His arms are flung over a woman in her thirties, wearing a nightie, mouth also open, not snoring. We hold for a long beat on their regular breathing and snoring. The phone rings. The woman stirs. WOMAN Oh, geez... She reaches for the phone. WOMAN ... Hi, it's Marge... The man stirs and clears his throat with a long deep rumble. MARGE ... Oh, my. Where?... Yah... Oh, geez... The man sits up, gazes stupidly about. MARGE ... Okay. There in a jif... Real good, then. She hangs up. MARGE ... You can sleep, hon. It's early yet. MAN Gotta go? MARGE Yah. The man swings his legs out. MAN I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE That's okay, hon. I gotta run. MAN Gotta eat a breakfast, Marge. I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE Aw, you can sleep, hon. MAN Ya gotta eat a breakfast... He clears his throat with another deep rumble. MAN ... I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE Aw, Norm. PLATE Leavings of a huge plate of eggs, ham, toast. Wider, we see Marge now wearing a beige police uniform. A patch on one arm says BRAINERD POLICE DEPARTMENT. She wears a heavy belt holding a revolver, walkie-talkie and various other jangling police impedimenta. Norm is in a dressing gown. MARGE Thanks, hon. Time to shove off. NORM Love ya, Margie. As she struggles into a parka: MARGE Love ya, hon. He is exiting back to the bedroom; she exits out the front door. EXT. GUNDERSON HOUSE Dawn. Marge is making her way down the icy front stoop to her prowler. INT. GUNDERSON HOUSE Norm sits back onto the bed, shrugging off his robe. Off- screen we hear the front door open. FRONT DOOR Marge stamps the snow off her shoes. MARGE Hon? NORM (off) Yah? MARGE Prowler needs a jump. HIGHWAY Two police cars and an ambulance sit idling at the side of the road, a pair of men inside each car. The first car's driver door opens and a figure in a parka emerges, holding two styrofoam cups. His partner leans across the seat to close the door after him. The reverse shows Marge approaching from her own squad car. MARGE Hiya, Lou. LOU Margie. Thought you might need a little warm-up. He hands her one of the cups of coffee. MARGE Yah, thanks a bunch. So what's the deal, now? Gary says triple homicide? LOU Yah, looks pretty bad. Two of'm're over here. Marge looks around as they start walking. MARGE Where is everybody? LOU Well - it's cold, Margie. BY THE WRECK Laid out in the early morning light is the wrecked car, a pair of footprints leading out to a man in a bright orange parka face down in the bloodstained snow, and one pair of footsteps leading back to the road. Marge is peering into the car. MARGE Ah, geez. So... Aw, geez. Here's the second one... It's in the head and the ... hand there, I guess that's a defensive wound. Okay. Marge looks up from the car. MARGE ... Where's the state trooper? Lou, up on the shoulder, jerks his thumb. LOU Back there a good piece. In the ditch next to his prowler. Marge looks around at the road. MARGE Okay, so we got a state trooper pulls someone over, we got a shooting, and these folks drive by, and we got a high-speed pursuit, ends here, and this execution-type deal. LOU Yah. MARGE I'd be very surprised if our suspect was from Brainerd. LOU Yah. Marge is studying the ground. MARGE Yah. And I'll tell you what, from his footprints he looks like a big fella - Marge suddenly doubles over, putting her head between her knees down near the snow. LOU Ya see something down there, Chief? MARGE Uh - I just, I think I'm gonna barf. LOU Geez, you okay, Margie? MARGE I'm fine - it's just morning sickness. She gets up, sweeping snow from her knees. MARGE ... Well, that passed. LOU Yah? MARGE Yah. Now I'm hungry again. LOU You had breakfast yet, Margie? MARGE Oh, yah. Norm made some eggs. LOU Yah? Well, what now, d'ya think? MARGE Let's go take a look at that trooper. BY THE STATE TROOPER'S CAR Marge's prowler is parked nearby. Marge is on her hands and knees by a body down in the ditch, again looking at footprints in the snow. She calls up to the road: MARGE There's two of 'em, Lou! LOU Yah? MARGE Yah, this guy's smaller than his buddy. LOU Oh, yah? DOWN IN THE DITCH In the foreground is the head of the state trooper, facing us. Peering at it from behind, still on her hands and knees, is Marge. MARGE For Pete's sake. She gets up, clapping the snow off her hands, and climbs out of the ditch. LOU How's it look, Marge? MARGE Well, he's got his gun on his hip there, and he looks like a nice enough guy. It's a real shame. LOU Yah. MARGE You haven't monkeyed with his car there, have ya? LOU No way. She is looking at the prowler, which still idles on the shoulder. MARGE Somebody shut his lights. I guess the little guy sat in there, waitin' for his buddy t'come back. LOU Yah, woulda been cold out here. MARGE Heck, yah. Ya think, is Dave open yet? LOU You don't think he's mixed up in - MARGE No, no, I just wanna get Norm some night crawlers. INT. PROWLER Marge is driving; Lou sits next to her. MARGE You look in his citation book? LOU Yah... He looks at his notebook. LOU ... Last vehicle he wrote in was a tan Ciera at 2:18 a.m. Under the plate number he put DLR - I figure they stopped him or shot him before he could finish fillin' out the tag number. MARGE Uh-huh. LOU So I got the state lookin' for a Ciera with a tag startin' DLR. They don't got no match yet. MARGE I'm not sure I agree with you a hunnert percent on your policework, there, Lou. LOU Yah? MARGE Yah, I think that vehicle there probly had dealer plates. DLR? LOU Oh... Lou gazes out the window, thinking. LOU ... Geez. MARGE Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685? LOU Yah, that's a good one. MARGE Yah. THE ROAD The police car enters with a whoosh and hums down a straight- ruled empty highway, cutting a landscape of flat and perfect white. EMBERS FAMILY RESTAURANT Jerry, Wade, and Stan Grossman sit in a booth, sipping coffee. Outside the window, snow falls from a gunmetal sky. WADE - All's I know is, ya got a problem, ya call a professional! JERRY No! They said no cops! They were darned clear on that, Wade! They said you call the cops and we - WADE Well, a course they're gonna say that! But where's my protection? They got Jean here! I give these sons a bitches a million dollars, where's my guarantee they're gonna let her go. JERRY Well, they - WADE A million dollars is a lot a damn money! And there they are, they got my daughter! JERRY Yah, but think this thing through here, Wade. Ya give 'em what they want, why wont' they let her go? You gotta listen to me on this one, Wade. WADE Heck, you don't know! You're just whistlin' Dixie here! I'm sayin', the cops, they can advise us on this! I'm sayin' call a professional! JERRY No! No cops! That's final! This is my deal here, Wade! Jean is my wife here! STAN I gotta tell ya, Wade, I'm leanin' to Jerry's viewpoint here. WADE Well - STAN We gotta protect Jean. These - we're not holdin' any cards here, Wade, they got all of 'em. So they call the shots. JERRY You're darned tootin'! WADE Ah, dammit! STAN I'm tellin' ya. WADE Well... Why don't we... He saws a finger under his nose. WADE ... Stan, I'm thinkin' we should offer 'em half a million. JERRY Now come on here, no way, Wade! No way! STAN We're not horse-trading here, Wade, we just gotta bite the bullet on this thing. JERRY Yah! STAN What's the next step here, Jerry? JERRY They're gonna call, give me instructions for a drop. I'm supposed to have the money ready tomorrow. WADE Dammit! THE CASHIER She rings up two dollars forty. CASHIER How was everything today? JERRY Yah, real good now. PARKING LOT Snow continues to fall. Jerry and Stan stand bundled in their parkas and galoshes near a row of beached vehicles. Wade sits behind the wheel of an idling Lincoln, waiting for Stan. STAN Okay. We'll get the money together. Don't worry about it, Jerry. Now, d'you want anyone at home, with you, until they call? JERRY No, I - they don't want - they're just s'posed to be dealin' with me, they were real clear. STAN Yah. Jerry pounds his mittened hands together against the cold. JERRY Ya know, they said no one listenin' in, they'll be watchin', ya know. Maybe it's all bull, but like you said, Stan, they're callin' the shots. STAN Okay. And Scotty, is he gonna be all right? JERRY Yah, geez, Scotty. I'll go talk to him. There is a tap at the horn from Wade, and Stan gets into the Lincoln. STAN We'll call. The Lincoln spits snow as it grinds out of the lot and fishtails out onto the boulevard. SCOTTY'S BEDROOM Scotty lies on the bed, weeping. Jerry enters and perches uncomfortably on the edge of his bed. JERRY ... How ya doin' there, Scotty? SCOTT Dad! What're they doing? Wuddya think they're doin' with Mom? JERRY It's okay, Scotty. They're not gonna want to hurt her any. These men, they just want money, see. SCOTT What if - what if sumpn goes wrong? JERRY No, no, nothin's goin' wrong here. Grandad and I, we're - we're makin' sure this gets handled right. Scott snorfles and sits up. SCOTT Dad, I really think we should call the cops. JERRY No! We can't let anyone know about this thing! We gotta play ball with these guys - you ask Stan Grossman, he'll tell ya the same thing! SCOTT Yeah, but - JERRY We're gonna get Mom back for ya, but we gotta play ball. Ya know, that's the deal. Now if Lorraine calls, or Sylvia, you just say that Mom is in Florida with Pearl and Marty... Scotty starts to weep again. Jerry stares down at his lap. JERRY ... That's the best we can do here. EXT. CABIN It is a lakeside cabin surrounded by white. A brown Ciera with dealer plates is pulling into the drive. Grimsrud climbs out of the passenger seat as Carl climbs out of the driver's. Grimsrud opens the back door and, with an arm on her elbow, helps Jean out. She has her hands tied behind her and a black hood over her head. With a cry, she swings her elbow out of Grimsrud's grasp and lurches away across the front lawn. Grimsrud moves to retrieve her but Carl, grinning, lays a hand on his shoulder. CARL Hold it. They both look out at the front lawn, Grimsrud expressionless, Carl smiling. With muffled cries, the hooded woman lurches across the unbroken snow, staggering this way and that, stumbling on the uneven terrain. She stops, stands still, her hooded head swaying. She lurches out in an arbitrary direction. Going downhill, she reels, staggers, and falls face-first into the snow, weeping. CARL Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Jesus! Grimsrud, still expressionless, breaks away from Carl's restraining hand to retrieve her. BRAINERD POLICE HEADQUARTERS We track behind Marge as she makes her way across the floor, greeting various officers. She holds a small half-full paper sack. Beyond her we see a small glassed-in cublcle. Norm sits at the desk inside with a box lunch spread out in front of him. There is lettering on the cubicle's glass door: BRAINERD PD. CHIEF GUNDERSON. Marge enters and sits behind the desk, detaching her walkie- talkie from her utility belt to accomodate the seat. MARGE Hiya, hon. She slides the paper sack toward him. NORM Brought ya some lunch, Margie. What're those, night crawlers? He looks inside. The bottom of the sack is full of fat, crawling earthworms. MARGE Yah. NORM Thanks, hon. MARGE You bet. Thanks for lunch. What do we got here, Arbie's? NORM Uh-huh. She starts eating. MARGE ... How's the paintin' goin'? NORM Pretty good. Found out the Hautmans are entering a painting this year. MARGE Aw, hon, you're better'n them. NORM They're real good. MARGE They're good, Norm, but you're better'n them. NORM Yah, ya think? He leans over and kisses her. MARGE Ah, ya got Arbie's all o'er me. Lou enters. LOU Hiya, Norm, how's the paintin' goin'? NORM Not too bad. You know. MARGE How we doin' on that vehicle? LOU No motels registered any tan Ciera last night. But the night before, two men checked into the Blue Ox registering a Ciera and leavin' the tag space blank. MARGE Geez, that's a good lead. The Blue Ox, that's that trucker's joint out there on I-35? LOU Yah. Owner was on the desk then, said these two guys had company. MARGE Oh, yah? EXT. STRIPPER CLUB Marge's prowler is parked in an otherwise empty lot. Snow drifts down. INT. STRIPPER CLUB Marge sits talking with two young women at one end of an elevated dance platform. The club, not yet open for business, is deserted. MARGE Where you girls from? HOOKER ONE Chaska. HOOKER TWO LeSeure. But I went to high school in White Bear Lake. MARGE Okay, I want you to tell me what these fellas looked like. HOOKER ONE Well, the little guy, he was kinda funny-looking. MARGE In what way? HOOKER ONE I dunno. Just funny-looking. MARGE Can you be any more specific? HOOKER ONE I couldn't really say. He wasn't circumcised. MARGE Was he funny-looking apart from that? HOOKER ONE Yah. MARGE So you were having sex with the little fella, then? HOOKER ONE Uh-huh. MARGE Is there anything else you can tell me about him? HOOKER ONE No. Like I say, he was funny-looking. More'n most people even. MARGE And what about the other fella? HOOKER TWO He was a little older. Looked like the Marlboro man. MARGE Yah? HOOKER TWO Yah. Maybe I'm sayin' that cause he smoked Marlboros. MARGE Uh-huh. HOOKER TWO A subconscious-type thing. MARGE Yah, that can happen. HOOKER TWO Yah. HOOKER ONE They said they were goin' to the Twin Cities? MARGE Oh, yah? HOOKER TWO Yah. HOOKER ONE Yah. Is that useful to ya? MARGE Oh, you bet, yah. EXT. LAKESIDE CABIN It is now dusk. The brown Ciera with dealer plates still sits in the drive. INT. CABIN We track in on Jean Lundegaard, who sits tied in a chair with the black hood still over her head. As we track in, we hear inarticulate cursing, intermittent banging and loud static. We track in on Gaear Grimsrud, who sits smoking a cigarette and expressionlessly gazing offscreen. We track in on Carl Showalter, who stands over an old black- and-white television. It plays nothing but snow. Carl is banging on it as he mutters: CARL ...days ... be here for days with a - DAMMIT! - a goddamn mute ... nothin' to do ... and the fucking - DAMMIT!... Each "dammit" brings a pound of his fist on the TV. CARL ... TV doesn't even ... plug me in, man... Gimmee a - DAMMIT! - signal... Plug me into the ozone, baby... Plug me into the ozone - FUCK!... With one last bang we cut: BACK TO THE TELEVISION SET In extreme close-up an insect is lugging a worm. TV VOICE-OVER The bark beetle carries the worm to the nest ... where it will feed its young for up to six weeks... A pull back from the screen reveals that we are in Marge's house. Marge and Norm are watching television in bed. From the TV we hear insects chirring. After a long beat, silence except for the TV, Marge murmurs, still looking at the set: MARGE ... Well, I'm turnin' in, Norm. Also looking at the TV: NORM ... Oh, yah? Marge rolls over and Norm continues to watch. We hold. BLACK Hold. A snowflake drops through the black. Another flake. It starts snowing. BRAINERD MAIN STREET The lone traffic light blinks slowly, steadily, red. Snow sifts down. There is no other movement. PAUL BUNYAN We are looking up at the bottom-lit statue. Snow falls. HIGH SHOT OF MARGE'S HOUSE Snow drops away. HIGH SHOT IN MARGE'S BEDROOM The bedroom is dark. Norm is snoring. The phone rings. Marge gropes in the dark. MARGE Hello? VOICE Yah, is this Marge? MARGE Yah? VOICE Margie Olmstead? MARGE ... Well, yah. Who's this? VOICE This is Mike Yanagita. Ya know - Mike Yanagita. Remember me? MARGE ... Mike Yanagita! MIKE Yah! Marge props herself up next to the still-sleeping Norm. MARGE Yah, yah, course I remember. How are ya? What time is it? MIKE Oh, geez. It's quarter to eleven. I hope I dint wake you. MARGE No, that's okay. MIKE Yah, I'm down in the Twin Cities and I was just watching on TV about these shootings up in Brainderd, and I saw you on the news there. MARGE Yah. MIKE I thought, geez, is that Margie Olmstead? I can't believe it! MARGE Yah, that's me. MIKE Well, how the heck are ya? MARGE Okay, ya know. Okay. MIKE Yah? MARGE Yah - how are you doon? MIKE Oh, pretty good. MARGE Heck, it's been such a long time, Mike. It's great to hear from ya. MIKE Yah... Yah, yah. Geeze, Margie! GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is on the sales floor, showing a customer a vehicle. JERRY Yah, ya got yer, this loaded here, this has yer independent, uh, yer slipped differential, uh, yer rack- and-pinion steering, yer alarm and radar, and I can give it to ya with a heck of a sealant, this TruCoat stuff, it'll keep the salt off - CUSTOMER Yah, I don't need no sealant though. JERRY Yah, you don't need that. Now were you thinking of financing here? You oughta be aware a this GMAC plan they have now, it's really super - ANOTHER SALESMAN Jerry, ya got a call here. JERRY Yah, okay. JERRY'S CUBICLE He sits in and picks up his phone. JERRY Jerry Lundegaard. VOICE All right, Jerry, you got this phone to yourself? JERRY Well ... yah. VOICE Know who this is? JERRY Well, yah, I got an idea. How's that Ciera workin' out for ya? VOICE Circumstances have changed, Jerry. JERRY Well, what do ya mean? VOICE Things have changed. Circumstances, Jerry. Beyond the, uh ... acts of God, force majeure... JERRY What the - how's Jean? A beat. CARL ... Who's Jean? JERRY My wife! What the - how's - CARL Oh, Jean's okay. But there's three people up in Brainerd who aren't so okay, I'll tell ya that. JERRY What the heck're you talkin' about? Let's just finish up this deal here - CARL Blood has been shed, Jerry. Jerry sits dumbly. The voice solemnly repeats: CARL ... Blood has been shed. JERRY What the heck d'ya mean? CARL Three people. In Brainerd. JERRY Oh, geez. CARL That's right. And we need more money. JERRY The heck d'ya mean? What a you guys got yourself mixed up in? CARL We need more - JERRY This was s'posed to be a no-rough -stuff-type deal - CARL DON'T EVER INTERRUPT ME, JERRY! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! JERRY Well, I'm sorry, but I just - I - CARL Look. I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. The price is now the whole amount. We want the entire eighty thousand. JERRY Oh, for Chrissakes here - CARL Blood has been shed. We've incurred risks, Jerry. I'm coming into town tomorrow. Have the money ready. JERRY Now we had a deal here! A deal's a deal! CARL IS IT, JERRY? You ask those three pour souls up in Brainerd if a deal's a deal! Go ahead, ask 'em! JERRY ... The heck d'ya mean? CARL I'll see you tomorrow. Click. Jerry slams down the phone, which immediately rings. He angrily snatches it up. JERRY Yah! VOICE Jerome Lundegaard? JERRY Yah! VOICE This is Reilly Deifenbach at GMAC. Sir, I have not yet recieved those vehicle IDs you promised me. JERRY Yah! I ... those are in the mail. VOICE Mr. Lundegaard, that very well may be. I must inform you, however, that absent the reciept of those numbers by tomorrow afternoon, I will have to refer this matter to our legal department. JERRY Yah. VOICE My patience is at an end. JERRY Yah. VOICE Good day, sir. JERRY ... Yah. WIDE ON THE CUBICLE We are looking at Jerry's cubicle from across the showroom. Noise muted by distance, we watch Jerry slam down the reciever, rise to his feet, fling the phone to the floor, raise his desk blotter high over his head with pens and pencils rolling off it and slam it onto his desktop. He stands for a moment, hands on hips, glaring. He stoops and picks up the phone, places it back on the desktop, starts picking up the pens and pencils. TRACK On steam-table bins of food, each identified by a plaque: BEEF STROGANOFF, SWEDISH MEATBALLS, BROILED TORSK, CHICKEN FLORENTINE. A complementary track shows two rays being pushed along a buffet line, piled high with many foods. MARGE AND NORM AT A TABLE They sit next to each other at a long cafateria-style Formica table, silently eating. A hip with a hissing walkie-talkie enters frame. GARY Hiya, Norm. How ya doin', Margie? How's the fricasse? MARGE Pretty darn good, ya want some? GARY No, I gotta - hey, Norm, I thought you were goin' fishin' up at Mile Lacs? NORM Yah, after lunch. He goes back to his food. MARGE Whatcha got there? Gary hands her a flimsy. Marge takes it with one hand and looks, her other hand frozen with a forkful of food. GARY The numbers y'asked for, calls made from the lobby pay phone at the Blue Ox. Two to Minneapolis that night. MARGE Mm. GARY First one's a trucking company, second one's a private residence. A Shep Proudfoot. MARGE Uh-huh... A what? GARY Shep Proudfoot. That's a name. MARGE Uh-huh. GARY Yah. MARGE ... Yah, okay, I think I'll drive down there, then. GARY Oh, yah? Twin Cities? Norm, who has been eating steadily throughout, looks over at Marge with mild interest. He stares for a beat as he finishes chewing, and them swallows and says: NORM ... Oh, yah? KITCHEN OF LUNDEGAARD HOUSE Jerry, Wade, and Stan Grossman sit around the kitchen table. It is night. The scene is harshly toplit by a hanging fixture. On the table are the remains of coffee and a cinammon filbert ring. WADE Dammit! I wanna be a part a this thing! JERRY No, Wade! They were real clear! They said they'd call tomorrow, with instructions, and it's gonna be delivered by me alone! WADE It's my money, I'll deliver it - what do they care? STAN Wade's got a point there. I'll handle the call if you want, Jerry. JERRY No, no. See - they, no, see, they only deal with me. Ya feel this, this nervousness on the phone there, they're very - these guys're dangerous - WADE All the more reason! I don't want you - with all due respect, Jerry - I don't want you mucking this up. JERRY The heck d'ya mean? WADE They want my money, they can deal with me. Otherwise I'm goin' to a professional. He points at a briefcase. WADE ... There's a million dollars here! JERRY No, see - WADE Look, Jerry, you're not sellin' me a damn car. It's my show here. That's that. STAN It's the way we prefer to handle it, Jerry. THE DOWNTOWN RADISSON HOTEL Marge is at the reception desk. MARGE How ya doin'? CLERK Real good. How're you today, ma'am? MARGE Real good. I'm Mrs. Gunderson, I have a reservation. The clerk types into a computer console. CLERK You sure do, Mrs. Gunderson. MARGE Is there a phone down here, ya think? LOBBY CORNER Marge is on a public phone. MARGE ... Detective Sibert? Yah, this is Marge Gunderson from up Brainerd, we spoke - Yah. Well, actually I'm in town here. I had to do a few things in the Twin Cities, so I thought I'd check in with ya about that USIF search on Shep Proudfoot... Oh, yah?... Well, maybe I'll go visit with him if I have the... No, I can find that... Well, thanks a bunch. Say, d'ya happen to know a good place for lunch in the downtown area?... Yah, the Radisson... Oh, yah? Is it reasonable? A GREEN FREEWAY SIGN Through a windshield we see a sign for the MINNEAPOLIS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT. ROOFTOP PARKING LOT The brown Ciera enters and drives lazy S-curves around the few snow-covered cars parked on the roof of the lot. It stops by one car and Carl emerges. He quickly scans the lot, then kneels in the snow at the back of the parked car and starts unscrewing its license plate. EXIT BOOTH Carl pulls up and hands the attendant his ticket. CARL Yeah, I decided not to park here. The attendant frowns uncomprehendingly at the ticket. ATTENDANT ... What do you mean, you decided not to park here? CARL Yeah, I just came in. I decided not to park here. The attendant is still puzzled. ATTENDANT You, uh... I'm sorry, sir, but - CARL I decided not to - I'm, uh, not taking the trip as it turns out. ATTENDANT I'm sorry, sir, we do have to charge you the four dollars. CARL I just pulled in here. I just fucking pulled in here! ATTENDANT Well, see, there's a minimum charge of four dollars. Long-term parking charges by the day. A car behind beeps. Carl glances back, starts digging for money. CARL I guess you think, ya know, you're an authority figure. With that stupid fucking uniform. Huh, buddy? The attendant doesn't say anything. CARL ... King Clip-on Tie here. Big fucking man. He is peeling off one dollar bills. CARL ... You know, these are the limits of your life, man. Ruler of your little fucking gate here. There's your four dollars. You pathetic piece of shit. GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is staring up, mouth agape, at the underside of a car on a hydraulic lift. Bewildered, he looks about, then asks a mechanic passing by, his voice raised over the din of the shop. JERRY Where's Shep? The mechanic points. MECHANIC Talkin' to a cop. Jerry looks. JERRY ... Cop? Marge and Shep face each other at the other end of the floor in a grimy and cluttered glassed-in cubicle. MECHANIC Said she was a policewoman. Marge and Shep silently talk. Jerry stares, swallows. INSIDE THE CUBICLE MARGE - Wednesday night? Shep is shaking his head. SHEP Nope. MARGE Well, you do reside their at 1425 Fremont Terrace? SHEP Yep. MARGE Anyone else residing there? SHEP Nope. MARGE Well, Mr. Proudfoot, this call came in past three in the morning. It's just hard for me to believe you can't remember anyone calling. Shep says nothing. MARGE ... Now, I know you've had some problems, struggling with the narcotics, some other entanglements, currently on parole - SHEP So? MARGE Well, associating with criminals, if you're the one they talked to, that right there would be a violation of your parole and would end with you back in Stillwater. SHEP Uh-huh. MARGE Now, I saw some rough stuff on your priors, but nothing in the nature of a homicide... Shep stares at her. MARGE ... I know you don't want to be an accessory to something like that. SHEP Nope. MARGE So you think you might remember who those folks were who called ya? JERRY'S OFFICE Jerry is worriedly pacing behind his desk. At a noise he looks up. Marge has stuck her head in the door. MARGE Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY Huh? Yah? MARGE I wonder if I could take just a minute of your time here - JERRY What... What is it all about? MARGE Huh? Do you mind if I sit down - I'm carrying quite a load here. Marge plops into the chair opposite him. MARGE ... You're the owner here, Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY Naw, I... Executive Sales Manager. MARGE Well, you can help me. My name's Marge Gunderson - JERRY My father-in-law, he's the owner. MARGE Uh-huh. Well, I'm a police officer from up Brainerd investigating some malfeasance and I was just wondering if you've had any new vehicles stolen off the lot in the past couple of weeks - specifically a tan Cutlass Ciera? Jerry stares at her, his mouth open. MARGE ... Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY ... Brainerd? MARGE Yah. Yah. Home a Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. JERRY ... Babe the Blue Ox? MARGE Yah, ya know we've got the big statue there. So you haven't had any vehicles go missing, then? JERRY No. No, ma'am. MARGE Okey-dokey, thanks a bunch. I'll let you get back to your paperwork, then. As Marge rises, Jerry looks blankly down at the papers on the desk in front of him. JERRY ... Yah, okay. He looks up at Marge's retreating back. He looks back down at the papers. He looks over at the phone. he picks up the phone and dials four digits. JERRY ... Yah, gimmee Shep... The heck d'ya mean?... Well, where'd he go? It's only... No, I don't need a mechanic - oh, geez - I gotta talk to a friend of his, so, uh ... have him, uh ... oh, geez... HOTEL BAR Marge enters. She looks around the bar, a rather characterless, lowlit meeting place for business people. VOICE Marge? It is a bald, paunching man of about Marge's age, rising from a booth halfway back. His features are broad, friendly, Asian-American. MARGE Mike! He approaches somewhat carefully, as if on his second drink. They hug and head back toward the booth. MIKE Geez! You look great! MARGE Yah - easy there - you do too! I'm expecting, ya know. MIKE I see that! That's great! A waitress meets them at the table. MIKE ... What can I get ya? MARGE Just a Diet Coke. Again she glances about. MARGE ... This is a nice place. MIKE Yah, ya know it's the Radisson, so it's pretty good. MARGE You're livin' in Edina, then? MIKE Oh, yah, couple years now. It's actually Eden Prarie - that school district. So Chief Gunderson, then! So ya went and married Norm Son-of- a-Gunderson! MARGE Oh, yah, a long time ago. MIKE Great. What brings ya down - are ya down here on that homicide - if you're allowed, ya know, to discuss that? MARGE Oh, yah, but there's not a heckuva lot to discuss. What about you, Mike? Are you married - you have kids? MIKE Well, yah, I was married. I was married to - You mind if I sit over here? He is sliding out of his side of the booth and easing in next to Marge. MIKE ... I was married to Linda Cooksey - MARGE No, I - Mike - wyncha sit over there, I'd prefer that. MIKE Huh? Oh, okay, I'm sorry. MARGE No, just so I can see ya, ya know. Don't have to turn my neck. MIKE Oh, sure, I unnerstand, I didn't mean to - MARGE No, no, that's fine. MIKE Yah, sorry, so I was married to Linda Cooksey - ya remember Linda? She was a year behind us. MARGE I think I remember Linda, yah. She was - yah. So things didn't work out, huh? MIKE And then I, and then I been workin' for Honeywell for a few years now. MARGE Well, they're a good outfit. MIKE Yah, if you're an engineer, yah, you could do a lot worse. Of course, it's not, uh, it's nothin' like your achievement. MARGE It sounds like you're doin' really super. MIKE Yah, well, I, uh ... it's not that it didn't work out - Linda passed away. She, uh... MARGE I'm sorry. MIKE Yah, I, uh... She had leukemia, you know... MARGE No, I didn't... MIKE It was a tough, uh ... it was a long - She fought real hard, Marge... MARGE I'm sorry, Mike. MIKE Oh, ya know, that's, uh - what can I say?... He holds up his drink. MIKE ... Better times, huh? Marge clinks it. MARGE Better times. MIKE I was so... I been so ... and then I saw you on TV, and I remembered, ya know... I always liked you... MARGE Well, I always liked you, Mike. MIKE I always liked ya so much... MARGE It's okay, Mike - Should we get together another time, ya think? MIKE No - I'm sorry! It's just - I been so lonely - then I saw you, and... He is weeping. MIKE ... I'm sorry... I shouldn't a done this... I thought we'd have a really terrific time, and now I've... MARGE It's okay... MIKE You were such a super lady ... and then I... I been so lonely... MARGE It's okay, Mike... CARLTON CELEBRITY ROOM Carl Showalter is sitting at a small table with a tarty- looking blonde in a low-cut gown. Each holds a drink. CARL Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha ha! A little of the old in-and-out! WOMAN Wuddya do? Carl looks around. CARL Have ya been to the Celebrity Room before? With other, uh, clients? WOMAN I don't think so. It's nice. CARL Yeah, well, it depends on the artist. You know, Jose Feliciano, ya got no complaints. Waiter! The reverse shows a disappearing waiter and the backs of many, many people sitting at tables between us and the very distant stage. Jose Feliciano, very small, performs on a spotlit stool. The acoustics are poor. Carl grimaces. CARL ... What is he, deaf?... So, uh, how long have you been with the escort service? WOMAN I don't know. Few munce. CARL Ya find the work interesting, do ya? WOMAN ... What're you talking about? A DIRTY BEDROOM Carl is humping the escort. We hear the door burst open. The escort is grabbed and flung out of bed. CARL Shep! What the hell are you doing? I'm banging that girl! Shep! Jesus Ch - Shep slaps him hard, forehand, backhand. SHEP Fuck out of my house! He hauls him up - CARL Shep! Don't you dare fucking hit me, man! Don't you - - punches him and flings him away. Carl hits a sofa and we see his bare legs disappear as he flips back over it. Shep enters frame to circle the sofa and kick at Carl behind it. SHEP Fuck outta here. Put me back in Stillwater. Little fucking shit. There is a knock at the door. VOICE Hey! Come on in there! Shep strides to the door, flings it open. A man in boxer shorts stands in the doorway. MAN C'mon, brother, it's late - Unghh! Shep hits him twice, then grabs both of his ears and starts banging his head against the wall. The hooker runs by, clutching her clothes, and Shep kicks her in the ass as she passes. He spins and goes back into the apartment. Carl is hopping desperately into his pants. CARL Stay away from me, man! Hey! Smoke a fuckin' peace pipe, man! Don't you dare fuckin' - Unghh! After hitting him several times, Shep yanks Carl's belt out of his dangling pants and strangles him with it. Carl gurgles. Shep knees Carl repeatedly, then dumps him onto the floor and starts whipping him with the buckle end of the belt. CHAIN RESTAURANT PHONE BOOTH Carl listens to the phone ring at the other end. His face is deeply bruised and cut. Finally, through the phone... VOICE ... Yah? CARL All right, Jerry, I'm through fucking around. You got the fucking money? JERRY'S KITCHEN Jerry is at the kitchen phone. Through the door to the dining room we see Wade picking up an extension. JERRY Yah, I got the money, but, uh - CARL Don't you fucking but me, Jerry. I want you with this money on the Dayton-Radisson parking ramp, top level, thirty minutes, and we'll wrap this up. JERRY Yah, okay, but, uh - CARL You're there in thirty minutes or I find you, Jerry, and I shoot you, and I shoot your fucking wife, and I shoot all your little fucking children, and I shoot 'em all in the back of their little fucking heads. Got it? JERRY ... Yah, well, you stay away from Scotty now - CARL GOT IT? JERRY Okay, real good, then. The line goes dead. A door slams offscreen. EXT. HOUSE Wade, briefcase in hand, gets into his Cadillac, slams the door and peels out. INT. CAR Wade's jaw works as he glares out at traffic. He mumbles to himself as he drives. WADE Okay ... here's your damn money, now where's my daughter?... Goddamn punk ... where's my damn daughter... He pulls out a gun, cracks the barrel, peers in. WADE ... You little punk. JERRY'S HOUSE Jerry sits in the foyer, trying to pull on pair of galoshes. Scotty's voice comes from upstairs: VOICE ... Dad? JERRY It's okay, Scotty. VOICE Where're you going? JERRY Be back in a minute. If Stan calls you, just tell him I went to Embers. Oh, geez - Thunk! - his first boot goes on. RADISSON Marge sits on the bed in her hotel room, shoes off, massaging her feet. The phone is pressed to her ear, and through it, we hear ringing. VOICE ... Hello? MARGE Norm? MILLE LACS LAKE It is late evening, blowing storm. A leisurely pan across the bleak gray expanse finds a little hut in the middle of the frozen lake with a pickup truck parked next to it. MARGE'S VOICE They bitin'? INT. HUT Norm has a cellular phone to his ear. His feet are stretched out to an electric heater. The interior is bathed in soft orange light. NORM Yah, okay. How's the hotel? MARGE Oh, pretty good. They bitin'? NORM Yeah, couple a muskies. No pike yet. How d'you feel? MARGE Oh, fine. NORM Not on your feet too much? MARGE No, no. NORM You shouldn't be on your feet too much, you got weight you're not used too. How's the food down there? MARGE Had dinner at a place called the King's Table. Buffet style. It was pretty darn good. NORM Was it reasonable? MARGE Yah, not too bad. So it's nice up there? NORM Yah, it's good. No pike yet, but it's good. DAYTON-RADISSON RAMP The top, open, level. Snow blows. A car sits idling. Another car pulls onto the roof. It creeps over to the parked car and stops. It continues to idle as its door opens and Wade steps out, carrying the briefcase. The door of the other car bangs open and Carl bounces out. CARL Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? WADE I got your goddamn money, you little punk. Now where's my daughter? CARL I am through fucking around! Drop that fucking briefcase! WADE Where's my daughter? CARL Fuck you, man! Where's Jerry? I gave SIMPLE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS - WADE Where's my damn daughter? No Jean, no money! CARL Drop that fucking money! WADE No Jean, no money! CARL Is this a fucking joke here? He pulls out a gun and fires into Wade's gut. CARL ... Is this a fucking joke? WADE Unghh ... oh, geez... He is on the pavement, clutching at his gut. Snow swirls. CARL You fucking imbeciles! He bends down next to Wade to pick up the briefcase. WADE Oh, for Christ ... oh, geez... Wade brings out his gun and fires at Carl's head, close by. CARL Oh! Carl stumbles and falls back, and then stands up again. His jaw is gouting blood. CARL ... Owwmm... One hand pressed to his jaw, he fires down at Wade several times. Blood streams through the hand pressed to his jaw. CARL ... Mmmmmphnck! He fnkem shop me... He pockets the gun, picks up the briefcase one-handed, flings it into his car, gets in, peels out. DOWN RAMP Carl screams down the ramp. He takes a corner at high speed and swerves, just missing Jerry in his Olds on his way to the top. INT. JERRY'S CAR Jerry recovers from the near miss and continues up. JERRY Oh, geez! EXIT BOOTH Carl squeals to a halt at the gate, still pressing his hand to his bleeding jaw. CARL Ophhem ma fuchem gaphe! ATTENDANT May I have your ticket, please? RAMP ROOF Jerry pulls to a halt next to Wade's idling Cadillac. He gets out and walks slowly to Wade's body, prostrate in the swirling snow. JERRY Oh! Oh, geez! He bends down, picks Wade up by the armpits and drags him over to the back of the Cadillac. He drops Wade's body, walks to the driver's side of the car, pulls the keys and walks back to pop the trunk. He wrestles Wade's body into the trunk, slams it shut and walks back to the scene of the shooting. He kicks at the snow with his galoshed feet, trying to hide the fresh bloodstains. EXIT BOOTH Jerry approaches in the Cadillac. The wooden gate barring the exit has been broken away. The booth is empty. Jerry eases toward the street, looking over at the booth as he passes. Inside the booth we see the awkwardly angled leg of a prostrate body. EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE The car pulls into the driveway. FOYER Jerry enters and sits on the foyer chair to take off his galoshes. SCOTT'S VOICE ... Dad? JERRY Yah. SCOTT'S VOICE Stan Grossman called. JERRY Yah, okay. SCOTT'S VOICE Twice. JERRY Okay. SCOTT'S VOICE ... Is everything okay? JERRY Yah. Thoonk - the first boot comes off. SCOTT'S VOICE Are you calling Stan? JERRY Well... I'm goin' ta bed now. CARL'S CAR Carl mumbles as he drives, underlit by the dim dash lights, one hand now holding a piece of rag to his shredded jaw. CARL ... Fnnkn ashlzh... Fnk... ROAD Carl's car roars into frame, violently swirling the snow. Its red tail lights fishtail away. FADE OUT HOLD IN BLACK HARD CUT TO: BRIGHT - LOOKING THROUGH A WINDSHIELD It is a starky sunny day. We are cruising down a street of humble lookalike houses. We pan right as we draw toward one house in particular. In its driveway a man in a hooded parka shovels snow. He notices the approaching car and gives its driver a wave. The driver is Gary, the Brainderd police officer. He gives a finger-to-the-head salute and pulls over. OUTSIDE Gary slams his door shut and the other man plants his shovel in the snow. MAN How ya doin'? GARY Mr. Mohra? MAN Yah. GARY Officer Olson. MAN Yah, right-o. The two men caucus the driveway without shaking hands and without standing particularly close. They stand stiffly, arms down at their sides and breath streaming out of their parka hoods. Each has an awkward leaning-away posture, head drawn slightly back and chin tucked in, to keep his face from protruding into the cold. MAN ... So, I'm tendin' bar there at Ecklund && Swedlin's last Tuesday and this little guy's drinkin' and he says, 'So where can a guy find some action - I'm goin' crazy down there at the lake.' And I says, 'What kinda action?' and he says, 'Woman action, what do I look like,' And I says 'Well, what do I look like, I don't arrange that kinda thing,' and he says, 'I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake' and I says, 'Well, this ain't that kinda place.' GARY Uh-huh. MAN So he says, 'So I get it, so you think I'm some kinda jerk for askin',' only he doesn't use the word jerk. GARY I unnerstand. MAN And then he calls me a jerk and says the last guy who thought he was a jerk was dead now. So I don't say nothin' and he says, 'What do ya think about that?' So I says, 'Well, that don't sound like too good a deal for him then.' GARY Ya got that right. MAN And he says, 'Yah, that guy's dead and I don't mean a old age.' And then he says, 'Geez, I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake.' GARY White Bear Lake? MAN Well, Ecklund && Swedlin's, that's closer ta Moose Lake, so I made that assumption. GARY Oh sure. MAN So, ya know, he's drinkin', so I don't think a whole great deal of it, but Mrs. Mohra heard about the homicides out here and she thought I should call it in, so I called it in. End a story. GARY What'd this guy look like anyways? MAN Oh, he was a little guy, kinda funny-lookin'. GARY Uh-huh - in what way? MAN Just a general way. GARY Okay, well, thanks a bunch, Mr. Mohra. You're right, it's probably nothin', but thanks for callin' her in. MAN Oh sure. They say she's gonna turn cold tomorrow. GARY Yah, got a front movin' in. MAN Ya got that right. CLOSE ON CARL SHOWALTER In his car, now parked, one hand holding the rag pressed to his mangled jaw. He is staring down at something in the front seat next to him. His other hand holds open the briefcase. It has money inside - a lot of money. Carl unfreezes, takes out one of the bank-wrapped wads and looks at it. CARL ... Mmmnphh. He paws through the money in the briefcase to get a feeling for the amount. CARL ... Jeshush Shrist... Jeshush fuchem Shrist! Excited, he counts out a bundle of bills and tosses it onto the back seat. He starts to take the rag away from his chin but the layer pressed against his face sticks, its loose weave bound to his skin by clotted blood. He pulls very gently and winces as blood starts to flow again. He carefully tears the rag in half so that only a bit of it remains adhering to his jaw. EXT. CAR It is pulled over to the side of an untraveled road. THe door opens and Carl emerges with the briefcase. He slogs through the snow, down a gulley and up the embankment to a barbed-wire fence. He kneels at one of the fence posts and frantically digs into the snow with his bare hands, throws in the briefcase and covers it back up. He stands and tries to beat the circulation back into his red, frozen hands. He looks to the right. A regular line of identical fence posts stretches away against unblemished white. He looks to the left. A regular line of identical fence posts stretches away against unblemished white. He looks at the fence post in front of him. CARL Mmmphh... He looks about the snowy vastness for a marker. Finding none, he kicks the fence post a couple of times, failing to scar or tilt it, then hurriedly plants a couple of sicks up against the post. He bends down, scoops up a handful of snow, presses it against his wounded jaw, and lopes back to the idling car. HOTEL ROOM Marge has a packed overnight back sitting on the unmade bed. She is ready to leave, already wearing her parka, but is on the phone. MARGE No, I'm leavin' this mornin', back up to Brainerd. VOICE Well, I'm sorry I won't see ya. MARGE Mm. But ya think he's all right? I saw him last night and he's - VOICE What'd he say? MARGE Well, it was nothin' specific he said, it just seemd like it all hit him really hard, his wife dyin' - VOICE His wife? MARGE Linda. VOICE No. MARGE Linda Cooksey? VOICE No. No. No. They weren't - he, uh, he was bothering Linda for about, oh, for a good year. Really pestering her, wouldn't leave her alone. MARGE So ... they didn't... VOICE No. No. They never married. Mike's had psychiatric problems. MARGE Oh. Oh, my. VOICE Yah, he - he's been struggling. He's living with his parents now. MARGE Oh. Geez. VOICE Yah, Linda's fine. You should call her. MARGE Geez. Well - geez. That's a suprise. MARGE'S CAR Marge drives, gazing out at the road. MARGE AT A DRIVE-THROUGH She leans out of her open window and yells at the order panel: MARGE Hello? MARGE AT THE GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE She sits in the lot, eating a breakfast sandwich. JERRY LUNDEGAARD'S OFFICE Jerry is at his desk using a blunt pencil to enter numbers onto a form. Beneath the form is a piece of carbon paper and beneath that another form copy, which Jerry periodically checks. The carbon-copy form shows thick smudgy, illegible entries. Jerry hums nervously. Glass rattles as someone taps at his door. Jerry looks up and freezes, mouth hanging open, brow knit with worry. Marge sticks her head in the door. MARGE Mr. Lundegaard? Sorry to bother you again. Can I come in? She starts to enter. JERRY Yah, no, I'm kinda - I'm kinda busy - MARGE I unnerstand. I'll keep it real short, then. I'm on my way out of town, but I was just - Do you mind if I sit down? I'm carrying a bit of a load here. JERRY No, I - But she is already sitting into the chair opposite with a sigh of relieved weight. MARGE Yah, it's this vehicle I asked you about yesterday. I was just wondering - JERRY Yah, like I told ya, we haven't had any vehicles go missing. MARGE Okay, are you sure, cause, I mean, how do you know? Because, see, the crime I'm investigating, the perpetrators were driving a car with dealer plates. And they called someone who works here, so it'd be quite a coincidence if they weren't, ya know, connected. JERRY Yah, I see. MARGE So how do you - have you done any kind of inventory recently? JERRY The car's not from our lot, ma'am. MARGE but do you know that for sure without - JERRY Well, I would know. I'm the Executive Sales Manager. MARGE Yah, but - JERRY We run a pretty tight ship here. MARGE I know, but - well, how do you establish that, sir? Are the cars, uh, counted daily or what kind of - JERRY Ma'am, I answered your question. There is a silent beat. MARGE ... I'm sorry, sir? JERRY Ma'am, I answered your question. I answered the darn - I'm cooperating here, and I... MARGE Sir, you have no call to get snippy with me. I'm just doin' my job here. JERRY I'm not, uh, I'm not arguin' here. I'm cooperating... There's no, uh - we're doin' all we can... He trails off into silence. MARGE Sir, could I talk to Mr. Gustafson? Jerry stares at her. MARGE ... Mr. Lundegaard? Jerry explodes: JERRY Well, heck, if you wanna, if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I... He is getting angrily off his feet. JERRY Okay, I'll do a damned lot count! MARGE Sir? Right now? JERRY Sure right now! You're darned tootin'! He is yanking his parka from a hook behind the opened door and grabbing a pair of galoshes. JERRY ... If it's so damned imporant to ya! MARGE I'm sorry, sir, I - Jerry has the parka slung over one arm and the galoshes pinched in his hand. JERRY Aw, what the Christ! He stamps out the door. Marge stares. After a long moment her stare breaks. She glances idly around the office. There is a framed picture facing away from her on the desktop. She turns it to face her. It is Scotty, holding an accordion. There is another picture of Jean. Marge looks at it, looks around, for some reason, at the ceiling. She looks at a trophy shelf on the wall behind her. She fiddles idly with a pencil. She pulls a clipboard toward her. It holds a form from the General Motors Finance Corporation. She looks idly around. Her look abruptly locks. MARGE ... Oh, for Pete's sake. Jerry is easing his car around the near corner of the building. Marge's voice is flat with dismay: MARGE ... Oh, for Pete's sake... She grabs the phone and punches in a number. MARGE ... For Pete's s- he's fleein' the interview. He's feelin' the interview... Jerry makes a left turn into traffic. MARGE ... Detective Sibert, please... POLICE OFFICER We are looking across a steam table at a man in blue. He moves slowly to the right, pushing his tray along a cafeteria line. Behind him, in the depth of the room, is an eating area of long Formica tables at which sit a mix of uniformed and civilian-clothed police and staff. We are listening to an offscreen woman's voice. WOMAN Well, so far we're just saying he's wanted for questioning in connection with a triple homicide. Nobody at the dealship there's been much help guessing where he might go... The woman is entering frame sliding a tray. Marge enters behind her, sliding her own. We move laterally with them as they slowly make their way along the line. MARGE Uh-huh. WOMAN We called his house; his little boy said he hadn't been there. MARGE And his wife? WOMAN She's visiting relatives in Florida. Now his boss, this guy Gustafson, he's also disappeared. Nobody at his office knows where he is. MARGE Geez. Looks like this thing goes higher than we thought. You call his home? WOMAN His wife's in the hospital, has been for a couple months. The big C. MARGE Oh, my. WOMAN And this Shep Proudfoot character, he's a little darling. He's now wanted for assault and parole violation. He clobbered a neighbor of his last night and another person who could be one of your perps, and he's at large. MARGE Boy, this thing is really ... geez. WOMAN Well, they're all out on the wire. Well, you know... MARGE Yah. Well, I just can't thank you enough, Detective Sibert, this cooperation has been outstanding. DETECTIVE SIBERT Ah, well, we haven't had to run around like you. When're you due? MARGE End a April. DETECTIVE SIBERT Any others? MARGE This'll be our first. We've been waiting a long time. DETECTIVE SIBERT That's wonderful. Mm-mm. It'll change your life, a course. MARGE Oh, yah, I know that! DETECTIVE SIBERT They can really take over, that's for sure. MARGE You have children? Detective Sibert pulls an accordion of plastic picture sleeves from her purse to show Marge. DETECTIVE SIBERT I thought you'd never ask. The older one is Janet, she's nine, and the younger one is Morgan. MARGE Oh, now he's adorable. DETECTIVE SIBERT He's three now. Course, not in that picture. MARGE Oh, he's adorable. DETECTIVE SIBERT Yah, he - MARGE Where'd you get him that parka? They have reached the end of the cafeteria line. With a nod to the cashier, Detective Sibert indicates hers and Marge's trays. DETECTIVE SIBERT Both of these. MARGE Oh, no, I can't let you do that. DETECTIVE SIBERT Oh, don't be silly. MARGE Well, okay - thank you, Detective. DETECTIVE SIBERT Oh, don't be silly. GAEAR GRIMSRUD He sits eating a Swanson's TV dinner from a TV tray he has set up in front of an easy chair. He watches the old black-and-white TV set whose image - it might be a game show - is still heavily ghosting and diffused by snow. The audio crackles with interference. Despite the impenetrability of its image, it holds Grimsrud's complete attention. At the sound of the front door opening, Grimsrud looks up. Carl enters, his face suppurating and raw. He reacts to Grimsrud's wordless look with a grotesque laugh. CARL You should she zhe uzher guy! He glances around. CARL ... The fuck happen a her? Jean sits slumped in a straight-backed chair facing the wall. Her hooded head, resting on her chin, is motionless. There is blood on the facing wall. GRIMSRUD She started shrieking, you know. CARL Jezhush. He shakes his head. CARL ... Well, I gotta muddy. He is plunking down eight bank-wrapped bundles on the table. CARL ... All of it. All eighty gran. Forty for you... He makes one pile, pockets the rest. CARL ... Forty for me. Sho thishuzh it. Adiosh. He slaps keys down on the table. CARL ... You c'n'ave my truck. I'm takin' a Shiera. GRIMSRUD We split that. Carl looks at him. CARL HOW THE FUCK DO WE SHPLITTA FUCKIN' CAR? Ya dummy! Widda fuckin' chainshaw? Grimsrud looks sourly up. There is a beat. Finally: GRIMSRUD One of us pays the other for half. CARL HOLD ON! NO FUCKIN' WAY! YOU FUCKIN' NOTISH ISH? I GOT FUCKIN' SHOT INNA FAISH! I WENT'N GOTTA FUCKIN' MONEY! I GET SHOT FUCKIN' PICKIN' IT UP! I BEEN UP FOR THIRTY-SHIKSH FUCKIN' HOURZH! I'M TAKIN' THAT FUCKIN' CAR! THAT FUCKERZH MINE! Carl waits for an argument, but only gets the steady sour look. Carl pulls out a gun. CARL ... YOU FUCKIN' ASH-HOLE! I LISHEN A YOUR BULLSHIT FOR A WHOLE FUCKIN' WEEK! A beat. Carl returns Grimsrud's stare. CARL ... Are we shquare? Grimsrud says nothing. CARL ... ARE WE SHQUARE? A beat. Disgusted, Carl pockets the gun and heads for the door. CARL ... Fuckin' ash-hole. And if you shee your friend Shep Proudpfut, tell him I'm gonna NAIL hizh fuckin' ash. OUTSIDE We are pulling Carl as he walks toward the car. Behind him we see the cabin door opening. Carl turns, reacting to the sound. Grimsrud is bounding out wearing mittens and a red hunter's cap, but no overcoat. He is holding an ax. Carl fumbles in his pocket for his gun. Grimsrud swings overhand, burying the ax in Carl's neck. MARGE In her cruiser, on her two-way. Through it we hear Lou's voice, heavily filtered: VOICE His wife. This guy says she was kidnapped last Wednesday. MARGE The day of our homicides. VOICE Yah. Marge is peering to one side as she drives, looking through the bare trees that border the road on a declivity that runs down to a large frozen lake. MARGE And this guy is... VOICE Lundegaard's father-in-law's accountant. MARGE Gustafson's accountant. VOICE Yah. MARGE But we still haven't found Gustafson. VOICE (crackle) - looking. MARGE Sorry - didn't copy. VOICE Still missing. We're looking. MARGE Copy. And Lundegaard too. VOICE Yah. Where are ya, Margie? We hear, distant but growing louder, harsh engine noise, as of a chainsaw or lawnmower. MARGE Oh, I'm almost back - I'm driving around Moose Lake. VOICE Oh. Gary's loudmouth. MARGE Yah, the loudmouth. So the whole state has it, Lundegaard and Gustafson? VOICE Yah, it's over the wire, it's everywhere, they'll find 'em. MARGE Copy. VOICE We've got a - MARGE There's the car! There's the car! We are slowing as we approach a short driveway leading down to a cabin. Parked in front is the brown Cutlass Ciera. VOICE Whose car? MARGE My car! My car! Tan Ciera! VOICE Don't go in! Wait for back-up! Marge is straining to look. The power-tool noise is louder here but still muffled, its source not yet visible. VOICE ... Chief Gunderson? MARGE Copy. Yah, send me back-up! VOICE Yes, ma'am. Are we the closest PD? MARGE Yah, Menominie only has Chief Perpich and he takes February off to go to Boundary Waters. ROAD EXTERIOR Marge pulls her prowler over some distance past the cabin. She gets out, zips up her khaki parka and pulls up its fur- lined hood. For a moment, she stands listening to the muffled roar of the power tool. Then, with one curved arm half pressing against, half supporting her belly, she takes slow, gingerly steps down the slope, through the deep snow, through the trees angling toward the cabin and the source of the grinding noise. She slogs from tree to tree, letting each one support her downhill-leaning weight for a moment before slogging to the next. The roar grows louder. Marge stands panting by one tree, her breath vaporizing out of her snorkel hood. She squints down toward the cabin's back lot. A tall man with his back to us, wearing a red plaid quilted jacket and a hunting cap with earflaps, is laboring over a large power tool which his body blocks from view. Marge advances. The man is forcing downward something which engages the roaring power tool and makes harsh spluttering noises. The man is Grimsrud, his nose red and eyes watering from the cold, hatflaps pulled down over his ears. His breath steams as he sourly goes about his work, both hands pressing down a shod foot, as it if were the shaft of a butter churn. The roar is very loud. Marge slogs down to the next tree, panting, looking. Grimsrud forces more of the leg into the machine, which we can now see sprays small wet chunks out the bottom. Marge's eyes shift. A large dark form lies in the snow next to Grimsrud. Grimsrud works on, eyes watering. With a grunt he bends down out of frame and then re-enters holding a thick log. He uses it to force the leg deeper into the machine. Marge is advancing. She holds a gun extended toward Grimsrud, who is still turned away. Grimsrud rubs his nose with the back of his hand. Marge closes in, grimacing. Grimsrud's back strains as he puts his weight into the log that pushes down into the machine. The dark shape in the snow next to his side is the rest of Carl Showalter's body. Marge has drawn to within twenty yards. When she bellows it sounds hollow and distant, her voice all but eaten up by the roar of the power tool. MARGE Stop! Police! Turn around and hands up! Startled, Grimsrud scowls. He turns to face her. He stares. Marge bellows again: MARGE ... Hands up! Conscious of the noise, she shows with a twist of her shoulder the armpatch insignia. MARGE ... Police! Grimsrud stares. With a quick twist, he reaches back for the log, hurls it at Marge and then starts running away. Marge twists her body sideways, shielding herself. No need - the heavy log travels perhaps ten yards and lands in the snow several feet short of her. Grimsrud pants up the hill - slow going through the deep snow. Behind him: MARGE ... Halt! She fires in the air. She lowers the gun and carefully sighs. MARGE ... Halt! She fires. Grimsrud still slogs up the hill - a miss. Marge sights again. MARGE ... Halt! She fires again. Grimsrud pitches forward. He mutters in Swedish as he reaches down to clutch at his wounded leg. Marge walks toward him, gun trained on him as her other hand reaches under her parka and gropes around her waist. It comes out with a pair of handcuffs, which she opens with a snap of the wrist. MARGE ... All right, buddy. On your belly and your hands clasped behind you. THE CRUISER Marge drives. Grimsrud sits in the back seat, hands cuffed behind him. For a long moment there, he is quiet - only engine hum and the periodic clomp of wheels on pavement seams - as Marge grimly shakes her head. MARGE ... So that was Mrs. Lundegaard in there? She glances up in the rear-view mirror. Grimsrud, cheeks sunk, eyes hollow, looks sourly out at the road. Marge shakes her head. At length: MARGE ... I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. Grimsrud's head bobs with bumps on the road; otherwise he is motionless, reactionless, scowling and gazing out. MARGE ... And those three people in Brainerd. No response. Marge, gazing forward, seems to be talking to herself. MARGE ... And for what? For a little bit of money. We hear distant sirens. MARGE ... There's more to life than money, you know. She glances up in the rear-view mirror. MARGE ... Don't you know that?... And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day... Grimsrud's hollow eyes stare out. The sirens are getting louder. Marge pulls over. MARGE ... Well... She leans forward to the dash to give two short signalling WHOOPS on her siren. She turns on her flashers. She leans back with a creak and jangle of utilities. She stares forward, shakes her head. We hear the dull click of her flashers. MARGE ... I just don't unnerstand it. Outside it is snowing. The sky, the earth, the road - all white. A squad car, gumballs spinning, punches through the white. It approaches in slow motion. An ambulance punches through after it. Another squad car. FADE OUT: FADE IN: HIGH AND WIDE ON A SHABBY MOTEL It stands next to a highway on a snowy, windslept plain. One or two cars dot the parking lot along with an idling police cruiser. MOTEL ROOM DOORWAY We are looking over the shoulders of two uniformed policemen who stand on either side of the door, their hands resting lightly on their holstered sidearms. One of them raps at the door. COP ONE Mr. Anderson... A title fades in: OUTSIDE OF BISMARK, NORTH DAKOTA After a pause, muffled through the door: VOICE ... Who?... COP ONE Mr. Anderson, is this your burgundy 88 out here? VOICE ... Just a sec. COP ONE Could you open the door, please? VOICE ... Yah. Yah, just a sec. We hear a clatter from inside. VOICE ... Just a sec... One of the policemen unholsters his gun and nods to someone whose back enters - a superintendent holding a ring of keys. This man turns a key in the door and then stands away. The two policemen, guns at the ready, bang into the motel room. The rough hand-held camera rushes in behind them as the two men give the room a two-handed sweep with their guns. The room is empty. Cop one indicates the open bathroom door. COP ONE Dale! The two men charge the bathroom, belts jingling, guns at the ready, jittery camera behind them rushing to keep pace. A man in boxer shorts is halfway out the bathroom window. The policemen holster their guns and charge the window, and drag Jerry Lundegaard back into the room. His flesh quivers as he thrashes and keens in short, piercing screams. The cops wrestle him to the floor but his palsied thrashing continues. The policemen struggle to restrain him. COP ONE Call an ambulance! COP TWO You got him okay? Cop One pinions Jerry's arms to the floor and Jerry bursts into uncontrolled sobbing. COP ONE Yah, yah, call an ambulance. Jerry sobs and screams. A BEDROOM We are square on Norm, who sits in bed watching television. After a long beat, Marge enters frame in a nightie and climbs into bed, with some effort. MARGE Oooph! Norm reaches for her hand as both watch the television. At length Norm speaks, but keeps his eyes on the TV. NORM They announced it. Marge looks at him. MARGE They announced it? NORM Yah. Marge looks at him, waiting for more, but Norm's eyes stay fixed on the television. MARGE ... So? NORM Three-cent stamp. MARGE Your mallard? NORM Yah. MARGE Norm, that's terrific! Norm tries to suppress a smile of pleasure. NORM It's just the three cent. MARGE It's terrific! NORM Hautman's blue-winged teal got the twenty-nine cent. People don't much use the three-cent. MARGE Oh, for Pete's - a course they do! Every time they raise the darned postage, people need the little stamps! NORM Yah. MARGE When they're stuck with a bunch a the old ones! NORM Yah, I guess. MARGE That's terrific. Her eyes go back to the TV. MARGE ... I'm so proud a you, Norm. Norm murmurs: NORM I love you, Margie. MARGE I love you, Norm. Both of them are watching the TV as Norm reaches out to rest a hand on top of her stomach. NORM ... Two more months. Marge absently rests her own hand on top of his. MARGE Two more months. Hold; fade out.FARGO a screenplay by Ethan Coen and Joel Coen The following text fades in over black: This is a true story. The events depicted in this film took place in Minnesota in 1987. At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occured. FLARE TO WHITE FADE IN FROM WHITE Slowly the white becomes a barely perceptible image: white particles wave over a white background. A snowfall. A car bursts through the curtain of snow. The car is equipped with a hitch and is towing another car, a brand-new light brown Cutlass Ciera with the pink sales sticker showing in its rear window. As the car roars past, leaving snow swirling in their dirft, the title of the film fades in. FARGO Green highway signs point the way to MOOREHEAD, MINNESOTA/FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA. The roads for the two cities diverge. A sign says WELCOME TO NORTH DAKOTA and another just after says NOW ENTERING FARGO, ND, POP. 44,412. The car pulls into a Rodeway Inn. HOTEL LOBBY A man in his early forties, balding and starting to paunch, goes to the reception desk. The clerk is an older woman. CLERK And how are you today, sir? MAN Real good now. I'm checking in - Mr. Anderson. The man prints "Jerry Lundega" onto a registration card, then hastily crosses out the last name and starts to print "Anderson." As she types into a computer: CLERK Okay, Mr. Anderson, and you're still planning on staying with us just the night, then? ANDERSON You bet. HOTEL ROOM The man turns on the TV, which shows the local evening news. NEWS ANCHOR - whether they will go to summer camp at all. Katie Jensen has more. KATIE It was supposed to be a project funded by the city council; it was supposed to benefit those Fargo-Moorehead children who would otherwise not be able to afford to attend a lakeshore summer camp. But nobody consulted city controller Stu Jacobson... CHAIN RESTAURANT Anderson sits alone at a table finishing dinner. Muzak plays. A middle-aged waitress approaches holding a pot of regular coffee in one hand and decaf in the other. WAITRESS Can I warm that up for ya there? ANDERSON You bet. The man looks at his watch. THROUGH A WINDSHIELD We are pulling into the snowswept parking lot of a one-story brick building. Broken neon at the top of the building identifies it as the Jolly Troll Tavern. A troll, also in neon, holds a champagne glass aloft. INSIDE The bar is downscale even for this town. Country music plays on the jukebox. Two men are seated in a booth at the back. One is short, slight, youngish. The other man is somewhat older, and dour. The table in front of them is littered with empty long-neck beer bottles. The ashtray is full. Anderson approaches. ANDERSON I'm, uh, Jerry Lundegaard - YOUNGER MAN You're Jerry Lundegaard? JERRY Yah, Shep Proudfoot said - YOUNGER MAN Shep said you'd be here at 7:30. What gives, man? JERRY Shep said 8:30. YOUNGER MAN We been sitting here an hour. I've peed three times already. JERRY I'm sure sorry. I - Shep told me 8:30. It was a mix-up, I guess. YOUNGER MAN Ya got the car? JERRY Yah, you bet. It's in the lot there. Brand-new burnt umber Ciera. YOUNGER MAN Yeah, okay. Well, siddown then. I'm Carl Showalter and this is my associate Gaear Grimsrud. JERRY Yah, how ya doin'. So, uh, we all set on this thing, then? YOUNGER MAN Sure, Jerry, we're all set. Why wouldn't we be? JERRY Yah, no, I'm sure you are. Shep vouched for you and all. I got every confidence in you fellas. They stare at him. An awkward beat. JERRY ... So I guess that's it, then. Here's the keys - CARL No, that's not it, Jerry. JERRY Huh? CARL The new vehicle, plus forty thousand dollars. JERRY Yah, but the deal was, the car first, see, then the forty thousand, like as if it was the ransom. I thought Shep told you - CARL Shep didn't tell us much, Jerry. JERRY Well, okay, it's - CARL Except that you were gonna be here at 7:30. JERRY Yah, well, that was a mix-up, then. CARL Yeah, you already said that. JERRY Yah. But it's not a whole pay- in-advance deal. I give you a brand-new vehicle in advance and - CARL I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. JERRY Okay. CARL I'm not gonna sit here and debate. I will say this though: what Shep told us didn't make a whole lot of sense. JERRY Oh, no, it's real sound. It's all worked out. CARL You want your own wife kidnapped? JERRY Yah. Carl Stares. Jerry looks blankly back. CARL ... You - my point is, you pay the ransom - what eighty thousand bucks? - I mean, you give us half the ransom, forty thousand, you keep half. It's like robbing Peter to play Paul, it doesn't make any - JERRY Okay, it's - see, it's not me payin' the ransom. The thing is, my wife, she's wealthy - her dad, he's real well off. Now, I'm in a bit of trouble - CARL What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry? JERRY Well, that's, that's, I'm not go inta, inta - see, I just need money. Now, her dad's real wealthy - CARL So why don't you just ask him for the money? Grimsrud, the dour man who has not yet spoken, now softly puts in with a Swedish-accented voice: GRIMSRUD Or your fucking wife, you know. CARL Or your fucking wife, Jerry. JERRY Well, it's all just part of this - they don't know I need it, see. Okay, so there's that. And even if they did, I wouldn't get it. So there's that on top, then. See, these're personal matters. CARL Personal matters. JERRY Yah. Personal matters that needn't, uh - CARL Okay, Jerry. You're tasking us to perform this mission, but you, you won't, uh, you won't - aw, fuck it, let's take a look at that Ciera. MINNEAPOLIS SUBURBAN HOUSE Jerry enters through the kitchen door, in a parka and a red plaid Elmer Fudd hat. He stamps snow off his feet. He is carrying a bag of groceries which he deposits on the kitchen counter. JERRY Hon? Got the growshries. VOICE Thank you, hon. How's Fargo? JERRY Yah, real good. VOICE Dad's here. DEN Jerry enters, pulling off his plaid cap. JERRY How ya doin', Wade? Wade Gustafson is mid-sixtyish, vigorous, with a full head of gray hair. His eyes remain fixed on the TV. WADE Yah, pretty good. JERRY Whatcha watchin' there? WADE Norstars. JERRY ... Who they playin'? WADE OOOoooh! His reaction synchronizes with a reaction from the crowd. KITCHEN Jerry walks back in, taking off his coat. His wife is putting on an apron. Jerry nods toward the living room. JERRY Is he stayin' for supper, then? WIFE Yah, I think so... Dad, are you stayin' for supper? WADE (off) Yah. DINING ROOM Jerry, his wife, Wade and Scotty, twelve years old, sit eating. SCOTTY May I be excused? JERRY Sure, ya done there? SCOTTY Uh-huh. Goin' out. WIFE Where are you going? SCOTTY Just out. Just McDonald's. JERRY Back at 9:30. SCOTTY Okay. WADE He just ate. And he didn't finish. He's going to McDonald's instead of finishing here? WIFE He sees his friends there. It's okay. WADE It's okay? McDonald's? What do you think they do there? They don't drink milkshakes, I assure you! WIFE It's okay, Dad. JERRY Wade, have ya had a chance to think about, uh, that deal I was talkin' about, those forty acres there on Wayzata? WADE You told me about it. JERRY Yah, you said you'd have a think about it. I understand it's a lot of money - WADE A heck of a lot. What'd you say you were gonna put there? JERRY A lot. It's a limited - WADE I know it's a lot. JERRY I mean a parking lot. WADE Yah, well, seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars is a lot - ha ha ha! JERRY Yah, well, it's a chunk, but - WADE I thought you were gonna show it to Stan Grossman. He passes on this stuff before it gets kicked up to me. JERRY Well, you know Stan'll say no dice. That's why you pay him. I'm asking you here, Wade. This could work out real good for me and Jean and Scotty - WADE Jean and Scotty never have to worry. WHITE A black like curls through the white. Twisting perspective shows that it is an aerial shot of a two-lane highway, bordered by snowfields. The highway carries one moving car. INT. CAR Carl Showalter is driving. Gaear Grimsrud stares blankly out. After a long beat: GRIMSRUD Where is Pancakes Hause? CARL What? GRIMSRUD We stop at Pancakes Hause. CARL What're you, nuts? We had pancakes for breakfast. I gotta go somewhere I can get a shot and a beer - and a steak maybe. Not more fuckin' pancakes. Come on. Grimsrud gives him a sour look. CARL ... Come on, man. Okay, here's an idea. We'll stop outside of Brainerd. I know a place there we can get laid. Wuddya think? GRIMSRUD I'm fuckin' hungry now, you know. CARL Yeah, yeah, Jesus - I'm sayin', we'll stop for pancakes, then we'll get laid. Wuddya think? GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is sitting in his glassed-in salesman's cubicle just off the showroom floor. On the other side of his desk sit an irate customer and his wife. CUSTOMER We sat here right in this room and went over this and over this! JERRY Yah, but that TruCoat - CUSTOMER I sat right here and said I didn't want no TruCoat! JERRY Yah, but I'm sayin', that TruCoat, you don't get it and you get oxidization problems. It'll cost you a heck of lot more'n five hunnert - CUSTOMER You're sittin' here, you're talkin' in circles! You're talkin' like we didn't go over this already! JERRY Yah, but this TruCoat - CUSTOMER We had us a deal here for nine- teen-five. You sat there and darned if you didn't tell me you'd get this car, these options, WITHOUT THE SEALANT, for nine- teen-five! JERRY Okay, I'm not sayin' I didn't - CUSTOMER You called me twenty minutes ago and said you had it! Ready to make delivery, ya says! Come on down and get it! And here ya are and you're wastin' my time and you're wastin' my wife's time and I'm payin' nineteen-five for this vehicle here! JERRY Well, okay, I'll talk to my boss... He rises, and, as he leaves: JERRY ... See, they install that TruCoat at the factory, there's nothin' we can do, but I'll talk to my boss. The couple watch him go to a nearby cubicle. CUSTOMER These guys here - these guys! It's always the same! It's always more! He's a liar! WIFE Please, dear. CUSTOMER We went over this and over this - NEARBY CUBICLE Jerry sits perched on the desk of another salesman who is eating lunch as he watches a hockey game on a small portable TV. JERRY So you're goin' to the Gophers on Sunday? SALESMAN You bet. JERRY You wouldn't have an extra ticket there? SALESMAN They're playin' the Buckeyes! JERRY Yah. SALESMAN Ya kiddin'! JERRY'S CUBICLE Jerry re-enters. JERRY Well, he never done this before, but seein' as it's special circumstances and all, he says I can knock one hunnert off that TruCoat. CUSTOMER One hundred! You lied to me, Mr. Lundegaard. You're a bald-faced liar! Jerry sits staring at his lap. CUSTOMER ... A fucking liar - WIFE Bucky, please! Jerry mumbles into his lap: JERRY One hunnert's the best we can do here. CUSTOMER Oh, for Christ's sake, where's my goddamn checkbook. Let's get this over with. WIDE EXTERIOR: TRUCK STOP There is a restaurant with many big rigs parked nearby, and a motel with an outsize Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox flanking its sign: BLUE OX MOTEL. MOTEL ROOM Carl Showalter and Gaear Grimsrud are in the twin beds having sex with two truck-stop hookers. CARL Oh, Jesus, yeah. HIS HOOKER There ya go, sugar. GRIMSRUD Nnph. HIS HOOKER Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. LATER The couples like in their respective beds, gazing at the offscreen TV. ED MCMAHON - Johnny's guests tonight will be Lee Majors, George Wendt, and Steve Boutsikaros from the San Diego Zoo, so keep that dial - LUNDEGAARD KITCHEN We hear a morning show on television. Jean Lundegaard is making coffee in the kitchen as Scott eats cereal at the table. JEAN I'm talkin' about your potential. SCOTT (absently) Uh-huh. JEAN You're not a C student. SCOTT Uhn. JEAN And yet you're gettin' C grades. It's this disparity there that concerns your dad and me. SCOTT Uh-huh. JEAN You know what a disparity is? SCOTT (testily) Yeah! JEAN Okay. Well, that's why we don't want ya goin' out fer hockey. SCOTT Oh, man! The phone rings. SCOTT ... What's the big deal? It's an hour - JEAN Hold on. She picks up the phone. JEAN ... Hello? PHONE VOICE Yah, hiya, hon. JEAN Oh, hiya, Dad. WADE Jerry around? JEAN Yah, he's still here - I'll catch him for ya. She holds the phone away and calls: JEAN ... Hon? VOICE Yah. JEAN It's Dad. VOICE Yah... Jerry enters in shirtsleeves and tie. JERRY ... Yah, okay... SCOTT Look, Dad, there is no fucking way - JEAN Scott! JERRY Say, let's watch the language - He takes the phone. JERRY How ya doin', Wade? WADE What's goin' on there? JERRY Oh, nothing, Wade. How ya doin' there? WADE Stan Grossman looked at your proposal. Says it's pretty sweet. JERRY No kiddin'? WADE We might be innarested. JERRY No kiddin'! I'd need the cash pretty quick there. In order to close the deal. WADE Come by at 2:30 and we'll talk about it. If your numbers are right, Stan says its pretty sweet. Stan Grossman. JERRY Yah. WADE 2:30. Click. Dial tone. JERRY Yah, okay. GUSTAFSON OLD GARAGE Jerry wanders through the service area where cars are being worked on. He stops by an Indian in blue jeans who is looking at the underside of a car that sits on a hydraulic lift with a cage light hanging off its innards. JERRY Say, Shep, how ya doin' there? SHEP Mm. JERRY Say, ya know those two fellas ya put me in touch with, up there in Fargo? SHEP Put you in touch with Grimsrud. JERRY Well, yah, but he had a buddy there. He, uh - SHEP Well, I don't vouch for him. JERRY Well, that's okay, I just - SHEP I vouch for Grimsrud. Who's his buddy? JERRY Carl somethin'? SHEP Never heard of him. Don't vouch for him. JERRY Well, that's okay, he's a buddy of the guy ya vouched for, so I'm not worryin'. I just, I was wonderin', see, I gotta get in touch with 'em for, I might not need it anymore, sumpn's happenin', see - SHEP Call 'em up. JERRY Yah, well, see, I did that, and I haven't been able to get 'em, so I thought you maybe'd know an alternate number or what have ya. SHEP Nope. Jerry slaps his fist into his open palm and snaps his fingers. JERRY Okay, well, real good, then. CAR Carl is driving. Grimsrud stares out front. After a beat: CARL ... Look at that. Twin Cities. IDS Building, the big glass one. Tallest skyscraper in the Midwest. After the Sears, uh, Chicago... You never been to Minneapolis? GRIMSRUD No. CARL ... Would it kill you to say something? GRIMSRUD I did. CARL "No." First thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a, that's a fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa, daddy, stand back, man. Shit, I'm sittin' here driving, man, doin' all the driving, whole fuckin' way from Brainerd, drivin', tryin' to, you know, tryin' to chat, keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one fucking thing just in the way of conversation. Grimsurd smokes, gazing out the window. CARL ... Well, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man. See how you like it... He drives. CARL ... Total silence... JERRY'S CUBICLE He is on the phone. JERRY Yah, real good. How you doin'? VOICE Pretty good, Mr. Lundegaard. You're damned hard to get on the phone. JERRY Yah, it's pretty darned busy here, but that's the way we like it. VOICE That's for sure. Now, I just need, on these last, these financing documents you sent us, I can't read the serial numbers of the vehicles on here, so I - JERRY But I already got the, it's okay, the loans are in place, I already got the, the what, the - VOICE Yeah, the three hundred and twenty thousand dollars, you got the money last month. JERRY Yah, so we're all set. VOICE Yeah, but the vehicles you were borrowing on, I just can't read the serial numbers on your applicaton. Maybe if you could just read them to me - JERRY But the deal's already done, I already got the money - VOICE Yeah, but we have an audit here, I just have to know that these vehicles you're financing with this money, that they really exist. JERRY Yah, well, they exist all right. VOICE I'm sure they do - ha ha! But I can't read their serial numbers here. So if you could read me - JERRY Well, but see, I don't have 'em in front a me - why don't I just fax you over a copy - VOICE No, fax is no good, that's what I have and I can't read the darn thing - JERRY Yah, okay, I'll have my girl send you over a copy, then. VOICE Okay, because if I can't correlate this note with the specific vehicles, then I gotta call back that money - JERRY Yah, how much money was that? VOICE Three hundred and twenty thousand dollars. See, I gotta correlate that money with the cars it's being lent on. JERRY Yah, no problem, I'll just fax that over to ya, then. VOICE No, no, fax is - JERRY I mean send it over. I'll shoot it right over to ya. VOICE Okay. JERRY Okay, real good, then. CLOSE ON TELEVISION A morning-show host in an apron stands behind a counter on a kitchen set. HOST So I seperate the - how the heck do I get the egg out of the shell without breaking it? Jean Lundegaard is curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee, watching the television. HOSTESS You just prick a little hole in the end and blow! Jean smiles as we hear laughter and applause from the studio audience. She hears something else - a faint scraping sound - and looks up. HOST Okay, here goes nothing. The scraping sound persists. Jean sets down her coffee cup and rises. From the studio audience: AUDIENCE Awoooo! KITCHEN We track toward the back door. A curtain is stretched tight across its window. Jean pulls the curtain back. Bright sunlight amplified by snow floods in. A man in an orange ski mask looks up from the lock. Jean gasps, drops the curtain, rutns and runs into - - a taller man, also in a ski mask, already in the house. We hear the crack of the back-door window being smashed. The tall man - Gaear Grimsrud - grabs Jean's wrist. She screams, staring at her own imprisoned wrist, then wraps her gaping mouth around Grimsrud's gloved thumb and bites down hard. He drops her wrist. As Carl enters, she races up the stairs. GRIMSRUD Unguent. CARL Huh? Grimsurd looks at his thumb. GRIMSRUD I need ... unguent. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM As the two men enter, a door at the far side is slamming shut. A cord snakes in under the door. MASTER BATHROOM Jean, sobbing, frantically pushes at buttons on the princess phone. The phone pops out of her hands, jangles across the tile floor, smashes against the door and then bounces away, its cord ripped free. With a groaning sound, the door shifts in its frame. BEDROOM Grimsrud has a crowbar jammed in between the bathroom door and frame, and is working it. BATHROOM Jean crosses to a high window above the toilet and throws it open. Snow that had drifted against the window sifts lightly in. Jean steps up onto the toilet. The door creaks, moving as one piece in its frame. Jean glances back as she steps up from the toilet seat to the tank. The groaning of the door ends with the wood around its knob splintering and the knob itself falling out onto the floor. The door swings open. Grimsrud and Carl enter. THEIR POV Room empty, window open. Carl strides to the window and hoists himself out. Grimsrud opens the medicine cabinet and delicately taps aside various bottles and tubes, seeking the proper unguent. He finds a salve but after a moment sets it down, noticing something in the mirror. The shower curtain is drawn around the tub. He steps toward it. As he reaches for the curtain, it explodes outward, animated by thrashing limbs. Jean, screaming, tangled in the curtain, rips it off its rings and stumbles out into the bedroom. Grimsrud follows. BEDROOM Jean rushes toward the door, cloaked by the shower curtain but awkwardly trying to push it off. UPSTAIRS LANDING Still thrashing, Jean crashes against the upstairs railing, trips on the curtain and falls, thumping crazily down the stairs. Grimsrud trots down after her. A PLAQUE: WADE GUSTAFSON INCORPORTATED INT. WADE'S OFFICE Wade sits behind his desk; another man rises as Jerry enters. JERRY How ya doin' there, Stan? How are ya, Wade? Stan Grossman shakes his hand. STAN Good to see ya again, Jerry. If these numbers are right, this looks pretty sweet. JERRY Oh, those numbers are all right, bleemee. WADE This is do-able. STAN Congratulations, Jerry. JERRY Yah, thanks, Stan, it's a pretty - WADE What kind of finder's fee were you looking for? JERRY ... Huh? STAN The financials are pretty thorough, so the only thing we don't know is your fee. JERRY ... My fee? Wade, what the heck're you talkin' about? WADE Stan and I're okay. JERRY Yah. WADE We're good to loan in. JERRY Yah. WADE But we never talked about your fee for bringin' it to us. JERRY No, but, Wade, see, I was bringin' you this deal for you to loan me the money to put in. It's my deal here, see? Wade scowls, looks at Stan. STAN Jerry - we thought you were bringin' us an investment. JERRY Yah, right - STAN You're sayin' - what're you sayin'? WADE You're sayin' that we put in all the money and you collect when it pays off? JERRY No, no. I - I'd, I'd - pay you back the principal, and interest - heck, I'd go - one over prime - STAN We're not a bank, Jerry. Wade is angry. WADE What the heck, Jerry, if I wanted bank interest on seven hunnert'n fifty thousand I'd go to Midwest Federal. Talk to Bill Diehl. STAN He's at Norstar. WADE He's at - JERRY No, see, I don't need a finder's fee, I need - finder's fee's, what, ten percent, heck that's not gonna do it for me. I need the principal. STAN Jerry, we're not just going to give you seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. WADE What the heck were you thinkin'? Heck, if I'm only gettin' bank interest, I'd look for complete security. Heck, FDIC. I don't see nothin' like that here. JERRY Yah, but I - okay, I would, I'd guarantee ya your money back. WADE I'm not talkin' about your damn word, Jerry. Geez, what the heck're you?... Well, look, I don't want to cut you out of the loop, but his here's a good deal. I assume, if you're not innarested, you won't mind if we move on it independently. PARKING LOT We are high and wide on the office building's parking lot. Jerry emerges wrapped in a parka, his arms sticking stiffly out at his sides, his breath vaporizing. He goes to his car, opens its front door, pulls out a red plastic scraper and starts methodically scraping off the thin crust of ice that has developed on his windshield. The scrape-scrape-scrape sound carries in the frigid air. Jerry goes into a frenzy, banging the scraper against the windshield and the hood of his car. The tantrum passes. Jerry stands pantin, staring at nothing in particular. Scrape-scrape-scrape - he goes back to work on the windshield. FRONT DOOR A beat, silent but for a key scraping at the lock. The door swings open and Jerry edges in, looking about, holding a sack of groceries. JERRY Hon? He shuts the door. JERRY ... Got the growshries... He has already seen the shower curtain on the floor. He frowns, pokes at it with his foot. JERRY ... Hon? UPSTAIRS BATHROOM Jerry walks in. He sets the groceries down on the toilet tank. He looks at the open window, through which snow still sifts in. He shuts it. He picks up the small tube of uguent that sits on the sink, frowns at it, puts it back in the medicine chest. He looks at the shower curtain rod holding empty rings. FOYER Once again we are looking at the rumpled shower curtain. From another room: JERRY Yah, Wade, I - it's Jerry, I. Then, slightly more agitated. JERRY ... Yah, Wade, it's, I, it's Jerry... Beat. JERRY ... Wade, it's Jerry, I - we gotta talk, Wade, it's terrible... Beat. LIVING ROOM Jerry stands in wide shot, hands on hips, looking down at a telephone. After a motionless beat he picks up the phone and punches in a number. JERRY ... Yah, Wade Gustafson, please. BLACK Hold in black. A slow tilt down from night sky brings the head of a large paper-mache figure into frame. It is a flannel-shirt woodsman carrying a double-edged ax over one shoulder. As we hear the rumble of an approaching car, the continuing tilt and boom down brings us down the woodsman's body to a pedestal. A sweep of headlights illuminates a sign on the pedestal: WELCOME TO BRAINDERD - HOME OF PAUL BUNYAN. The headlights sweep off and a car hums past and on into the background. The two-lane highway is otherwise empty. INT. CAR Carl drives. Grimsrud smokes and gazes out the window. From the back seat we hear whimpering. Grimsrud turns to look. Jean lies bound and curled on the back seat underneath a tarpaulin. GRIMSRUD Shut the fuck up or I'll throw you back in the trunk, you know. CARL Geez. That's more'n I've heard you say all week. Grimsrud stares at him, then turns back to the window. At a loud WHOOP Carl starts and looks back out the rear window. Fifty yards behind a state trooper has turned on his gumballs. Carl eases the car onto the shoulder. CARL Ah, shit, the tags... Grimsrud looks at him. CARL ... It's just the tags. I never put my tags on the car. Don't worry, I'll take care of this. He looks into the back seat as the car bounces and slows on the gravel shoulder. CARL ... Let's keep still back there, lady, or we're gonna have to, ya know, to shoot ya. Grimsrud stares at Carl. CARL ... Hey! I'll take care of this! Both cars have stopped. Carl looks up at the rear-view mirror. The trooper is stopped on the shoulder just behind them, writing in his citation book. Carl watches. We hear the trooper's door open. The trooper walks up the shoulder, one hand resting lightly on top of his holster, his breath steaming in the cold night air. Carl opens his window as the trooper draws up. CARL How can I help you, officer? The trooper scans the inside of the car, taking his time. Grimsrud smokes and gazes calmly out his window. Finally: TROOPER This is a new car, then, sir? CARL It certainly is, officer. Still got that smell! TROOPER You're required to display temporary tags, either in the plate area or taped inside the back window. CARL Certainly - TROOPER Can I see your license and registration please? CARL Certainly. He reaches for his wallet. CARL ... I was gonna tape up the temporary tag, ya know, to be in full compliance, but it, uh, it, uh ... must a slipped my mind... He extends his wallet toward the trooper, a folded fifty- dollar bill protruding from it. CARL ... So maybe the best thing would be to take care of that, right here in Brainerd. TROOPER What's this, sir? CARL That's my license and regis- tration. I wanna be in compliance. He forces a laugh. CARL ... I was just thinking I could take care of it right here. In Brainerd. The policeman thoughtfully pats the fifty into the billfold and hands the billfold back into the car. TROOPER Put that back in your pocket, please. Carl's nervous smile fades. TROOPER ... And step out of the car, please, sir. Grimsrud, smiling thinly, shakes his head. There is a whimpering sound. The policeman hesitates. Another sound. The policeman leans forward into the car, listening. Grimsrud reaches across Carl, grabs the trooper by the hair and slams his head down onto the car door. The policeman grunts, digs awkwardly for footing outside and throws an arm for balance against the outside of the car. With his free hand, Grimsrud pops the glove compartment. He brings a gun out and reaches across Carl and shoots - BANG - into the back of the trooper's head. Jean screams. GRIMSRUD Shut up. He releases the policeman. The policeman's head slides out the window and his body flops back onto the street. Carl looks out at the cop in the road. CARL (softly) Whoa... Whoa, Daddy. Grimsrud takes the trooper's hat off of Carl's lap and sails it out the open window. GRIMSRUD You'll take care of it. Boy, you are smooth smooth, you know. CARL Whoa, Daddy. Jean, for some reason, screams again. Then stops. GRIMSRUD Clear him off the road. CARL Yeah. He gets out. EXT. ROAD Carl leans down to hoist up the body. Headlights appear: an oncoming car. INT. CIERA Grimsrud notices. EXT. ROAD The car approaches, slowing. Carl, with the trooper's body hoisted halfway up, is frozen in the headlights. The car accelerates and roars past and away. We just make out the silhouettes of two occupants in front. INT. CIERA Grimsrud slides into the driver's seat. He squeals into a U- turn, the driver's door slamming shut with his spin. Small red tail lights fishtail up ahead. The pursued car churns up fine snow. Grimsrud takes the cigarette from his mouth and stubs it in his ashtray. We hear the churning of the car wheels and the pinging of snow clods and salt on the car's underside. In the back seat, Jean starts screaming. Grimsrud is not gaining on the tail lights. He fights with the wheel as his car swims on the road face. The red tail lights ahead start to turn. With a distant crunching sound, they disappear. The headlights now show only empty road, starting to turn. Grimsrud frowns and slows. His headlights show the car up ahead off the road, crumpled around a telephone pole, having failed to hold a turn. Grimsrud brakes. Jean slides off the back seat and thumps into the legwell. Grimsrud sweeps his gun off the front seat, throws open his door and gets out. EXT. ROAD The wrecked car's headlights shine off into a snowfield abutting the highway. A young man in a down parka is limping across the snowfield, away from the wrecked car. Grimsrud strides calmly out after the injured boy. He raises his gun and fires. With a poof of feathers, a hole opens up in the boy's back and he pitches into the snow. Grimsrud walks up to the wreck and peers in its half-open door. A young woman is trapped inside the twisted wreckage, injured. Snow swirls in the headlights of the wreck. Grimsrud raises his gun and fires. AN OIL PAINTING A blue-winged teal in flight over a swampy marshland. The room in which it hangs is dark. We hear off-screen snoring. We track off to reveal an easel upon which we see a half- completed oil of a grey mallard. The continuing track reveals a couple in bed, sleeping. The man, fortyish, pajama-clad, is big, and big-bellied. His mouth is agape. He snores. His arms are flung over a woman in her thirties, wearing a nightie, mouth also open, not snoring. We hold for a long beat on their regular breathing and snoring. The phone rings. The woman stirs. WOMAN Oh, geez... She reaches for the phone. WOMAN ... Hi, it's Marge... The man stirs and clears his throat with a long deep rumble. MARGE ... Oh, my. Where?... Yah... Oh, geez... The man sits up, gazes stupidly about. MARGE ... Okay. There in a jif... Real good, then. She hangs up. MARGE ... You can sleep, hon. It's early yet. MAN Gotta go? MARGE Yah. The man swings his legs out. MAN I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE That's okay, hon. I gotta run. MAN Gotta eat a breakfast, Marge. I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE Aw, you can sleep, hon. MAN Ya gotta eat a breakfast... He clears his throat with another deep rumble. MAN ... I'll fix ya some eggs. MARGE Aw, Norm. PLATE Leavings of a huge plate of eggs, ham, toast. Wider, we see Marge now wearing a beige police uniform. A patch on one arm says BRAINERD POLICE DEPARTMENT. She wears a heavy belt holding a revolver, walkie-talkie and various other jangling police impedimenta. Norm is in a dressing gown. MARGE Thanks, hon. Time to shove off. NORM Love ya, Margie. As she struggles into a parka: MARGE Love ya, hon. He is exiting back to the bedroom; she exits out the front door. EXT. GUNDERSON HOUSE Dawn. Marge is making her way down the icy front stoop to her prowler. INT. GUNDERSON HOUSE Norm sits back onto the bed, shrugging off his robe. Off- screen we hear the front door open. FRONT DOOR Marge stamps the snow off her shoes. MARGE Hon? NORM (off) Yah? MARGE Prowler needs a jump. HIGHWAY Two police cars and an ambulance sit idling at the side of the road, a pair of men inside each car. The first car's driver door opens and a figure in a parka emerges, holding two styrofoam cups. His partner leans across the seat to close the door after him. The reverse shows Marge approaching from her own squad car. MARGE Hiya, Lou. LOU Margie. Thought you might need a little warm-up. He hands her one of the cups of coffee. MARGE Yah, thanks a bunch. So what's the deal, now? Gary says triple homicide? LOU Yah, looks pretty bad. Two of'm're over here. Marge looks around as they start walking. MARGE Where is everybody? LOU Well - it's cold, Margie. BY THE WRECK Laid out in the early morning light is the wrecked car, a pair of footprints leading out to a man in a bright orange parka face down in the bloodstained snow, and one pair of footsteps leading back to the road. Marge is peering into the car. MARGE Ah, geez. So... Aw, geez. Here's the second one... It's in the head and the ... hand there, I guess that's a defensive wound. Okay. Marge looks up from the car. MARGE ... Where's the state trooper? Lou, up on the shoulder, jerks his thumb. LOU Back there a good piece. In the ditch next to his prowler. Marge looks around at the road. MARGE Okay, so we got a state trooper pulls someone over, we got a shooting, and these folks drive by, and we got a high-speed pursuit, ends here, and this execution-type deal. LOU Yah. MARGE I'd be very surprised if our suspect was from Brainerd. LOU Yah. Marge is studying the ground. MARGE Yah. And I'll tell you what, from his footprints he looks like a big fella - Marge suddenly doubles over, putting her head between her knees down near the snow. LOU Ya see something down there, Chief? MARGE Uh - I just, I think I'm gonna barf. LOU Geez, you okay, Margie? MARGE I'm fine - it's just morning sickness. She gets up, sweeping snow from her knees. MARGE ... Well, that passed. LOU Yah? MARGE Yah. Now I'm hungry again. LOU You had breakfast yet, Margie? MARGE Oh, yah. Norm made some eggs. LOU Yah? Well, what now, d'ya think? MARGE Let's go take a look at that trooper. BY THE STATE TROOPER'S CAR Marge's prowler is parked nearby. Marge is on her hands and knees by a body down in the ditch, again looking at footprints in the snow. She calls up to the road: MARGE There's two of 'em, Lou! LOU Yah? MARGE Yah, this guy's smaller than his buddy. LOU Oh, yah? DOWN IN THE DITCH In the foreground is the head of the state trooper, facing us. Peering at it from behind, still on her hands and knees, is Marge. MARGE For Pete's sake. She gets up, clapping the snow off her hands, and climbs out of the ditch. LOU How's it look, Marge? MARGE Well, he's got his gun on his hip there, and he looks like a nice enough guy. It's a real shame. LOU Yah. MARGE You haven't monkeyed with his car there, have ya? LOU No way. She is looking at the prowler, which still idles on the shoulder. MARGE Somebody shut his lights. I guess the little guy sat in there, waitin' for his buddy t'come back. LOU Yah, woulda been cold out here. MARGE Heck, yah. Ya think, is Dave open yet? LOU You don't think he's mixed up in - MARGE No, no, I just wanna get Norm some night crawlers. INT. PROWLER Marge is driving; Lou sits next to her. MARGE You look in his citation book? LOU Yah... He looks at his notebook. LOU ... Last vehicle he wrote in was a tan Ciera at 2:18 a.m. Under the plate number he put DLR - I figure they stopped him or shot him before he could finish fillin' out the tag number. MARGE Uh-huh. LOU So I got the state lookin' for a Ciera with a tag startin' DLR. They don't got no match yet. MARGE I'm not sure I agree with you a hunnert percent on your policework, there, Lou. LOU Yah? MARGE Yah, I think that vehicle there probly had dealer plates. DLR? LOU Oh... Lou gazes out the window, thinking. LOU ... Geez. MARGE Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685? LOU Yah, that's a good one. MARGE Yah. THE ROAD The police car enters with a whoosh and hums down a straight- ruled empty highway, cutting a landscape of flat and perfect white. EMBERS FAMILY RESTAURANT Jerry, Wade, and Stan Grossman sit in a booth, sipping coffee. Outside the window, snow falls from a gunmetal sky. WADE - All's I know is, ya got a problem, ya call a professional! JERRY No! They said no cops! They were darned clear on that, Wade! They said you call the cops and we - WADE Well, a course they're gonna say that! But where's my protection? They got Jean here! I give these sons a bitches a million dollars, where's my guarantee they're gonna let her go. JERRY Well, they - WADE A million dollars is a lot a damn money! And there they are, they got my daughter! JERRY Yah, but think this thing through here, Wade. Ya give 'em what they want, why wont' they let her go? You gotta listen to me on this one, Wade. WADE Heck, you don't know! You're just whistlin' Dixie here! I'm sayin', the cops, they can advise us on this! I'm sayin' call a professional! JERRY No! No cops! That's final! This is my deal here, Wade! Jean is my wife here! STAN I gotta tell ya, Wade, I'm leanin' to Jerry's viewpoint here. WADE Well - STAN We gotta protect Jean. These - we're not holdin' any cards here, Wade, they got all of 'em. So they call the shots. JERRY You're darned tootin'! WADE Ah, dammit! STAN I'm tellin' ya. WADE Well... Why don't we... He saws a finger under his nose. WADE ... Stan, I'm thinkin' we should offer 'em half a million. JERRY Now come on here, no way, Wade! No way! STAN We're not horse-trading here, Wade, we just gotta bite the bullet on this thing. JERRY Yah! STAN What's the next step here, Jerry? JERRY They're gonna call, give me instructions for a drop. I'm supposed to have the money ready tomorrow. WADE Dammit! THE CASHIER She rings up two dollars forty. CASHIER How was everything today? JERRY Yah, real good now. PARKING LOT Snow continues to fall. Jerry and Stan stand bundled in their parkas and galoshes near a row of beached vehicles. Wade sits behind the wheel of an idling Lincoln, waiting for Stan. STAN Okay. We'll get the money together. Don't worry about it, Jerry. Now, d'you want anyone at home, with you, until they call? JERRY No, I - they don't want - they're just s'posed to be dealin' with me, they were real clear. STAN Yah. Jerry pounds his mittened hands together against the cold. JERRY Ya know, they said no one listenin' in, they'll be watchin', ya know. Maybe it's all bull, but like you said, Stan, they're callin' the shots. STAN Okay. And Scotty, is he gonna be all right? JERRY Yah, geez, Scotty. I'll go talk to him. There is a tap at the horn from Wade, and Stan gets into the Lincoln. STAN We'll call. The Lincoln spits snow as it grinds out of the lot and fishtails out onto the boulevard. SCOTTY'S BEDROOM Scotty lies on the bed, weeping. Jerry enters and perches uncomfortably on the edge of his bed. JERRY ... How ya doin' there, Scotty? SCOTT Dad! What're they doing? Wuddya think they're doin' with Mom? JERRY It's okay, Scotty. They're not gonna want to hurt her any. These men, they just want money, see. SCOTT What if - what if sumpn goes wrong? JERRY No, no, nothin's goin' wrong here. Grandad and I, we're - we're makin' sure this gets handled right. Scott snorfles and sits up. SCOTT Dad, I really think we should call the cops. JERRY No! We can't let anyone know about this thing! We gotta play ball with these guys - you ask Stan Grossman, he'll tell ya the same thing! SCOTT Yeah, but - JERRY We're gonna get Mom back for ya, but we gotta play ball. Ya know, that's the deal. Now if Lorraine calls, or Sylvia, you just say that Mom is in Florida with Pearl and Marty... Scotty starts to weep again. Jerry stares down at his lap. JERRY ... That's the best we can do here. EXT. CABIN It is a lakeside cabin surrounded by white. A brown Ciera with dealer plates is pulling into the drive. Grimsrud climbs out of the passenger seat as Carl climbs out of the driver's. Grimsrud opens the back door and, with an arm on her elbow, helps Jean out. She has her hands tied behind her and a black hood over her head. With a cry, she swings her elbow out of Grimsrud's grasp and lurches away across the front lawn. Grimsrud moves to retrieve her but Carl, grinning, lays a hand on his shoulder. CARL Hold it. They both look out at the front lawn, Grimsrud expressionless, Carl smiling. With muffled cries, the hooded woman lurches across the unbroken snow, staggering this way and that, stumbling on the uneven terrain. She stops, stands still, her hooded head swaying. She lurches out in an arbitrary direction. Going downhill, she reels, staggers, and falls face-first into the snow, weeping. CARL Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Jesus! Grimsrud, still expressionless, breaks away from Carl's restraining hand to retrieve her. BRAINERD POLICE HEADQUARTERS We track behind Marge as she makes her way across the floor, greeting various officers. She holds a small half-full paper sack. Beyond her we see a small glassed-in cublcle. Norm sits at the desk inside with a box lunch spread out in front of him. There is lettering on the cubicle's glass door: BRAINERD PD. CHIEF GUNDERSON. Marge enters and sits behind the desk, detaching her walkie- talkie from her utility belt to accomodate the seat. MARGE Hiya, hon. She slides the paper sack toward him. NORM Brought ya some lunch, Margie. What're those, night crawlers? He looks inside. The bottom of the sack is full of fat, crawling earthworms. MARGE Yah. NORM Thanks, hon. MARGE You bet. Thanks for lunch. What do we got here, Arbie's? NORM Uh-huh. She starts eating. MARGE ... How's the paintin' goin'? NORM Pretty good. Found out the Hautmans are entering a painting this year. MARGE Aw, hon, you're better'n them. NORM They're real good. MARGE They're good, Norm, but you're better'n them. NORM Yah, ya think? He leans over and kisses her. MARGE Ah, ya got Arbie's all o'er me. Lou enters. LOU Hiya, Norm, how's the paintin' goin'? NORM Not too bad. You know. MARGE How we doin' on that vehicle? LOU No motels registered any tan Ciera last night. But the night before, two men checked into the Blue Ox registering a Ciera and leavin' the tag space blank. MARGE Geez, that's a good lead. The Blue Ox, that's that trucker's joint out there on I-35? LOU Yah. Owner was on the desk then, said these two guys had company. MARGE Oh, yah? EXT. STRIPPER CLUB Marge's prowler is parked in an otherwise empty lot. Snow drifts down. INT. STRIPPER CLUB Marge sits talking with two young women at one end of an elevated dance platform. The club, not yet open for business, is deserted. MARGE Where you girls from? HOOKER ONE Chaska. HOOKER TWO LeSeure. But I went to high school in White Bear Lake. MARGE Okay, I want you to tell me what these fellas looked like. HOOKER ONE Well, the little guy, he was kinda funny-looking. MARGE In what way? HOOKER ONE I dunno. Just funny-looking. MARGE Can you be any more specific? HOOKER ONE I couldn't really say. He wasn't circumcised. MARGE Was he funny-looking apart from that? HOOKER ONE Yah. MARGE So you were having sex with the little fella, then? HOOKER ONE Uh-huh. MARGE Is there anything else you can tell me about him? HOOKER ONE No. Like I say, he was funny-looking. More'n most people even. MARGE And what about the other fella? HOOKER TWO He was a little older. Looked like the Marlboro man. MARGE Yah? HOOKER TWO Yah. Maybe I'm sayin' that cause he smoked Marlboros. MARGE Uh-huh. HOOKER TWO A subconscious-type thing. MARGE Yah, that can happen. HOOKER TWO Yah. HOOKER ONE They said they were goin' to the Twin Cities? MARGE Oh, yah? HOOKER TWO Yah. HOOKER ONE Yah. Is that useful to ya? MARGE Oh, you bet, yah. EXT. LAKESIDE CABIN It is now dusk. The brown Ciera with dealer plates still sits in the drive. INT. CABIN We track in on Jean Lundegaard, who sits tied in a chair with the black hood still over her head. As we track in, we hear inarticulate cursing, intermittent banging and loud static. We track in on Gaear Grimsrud, who sits smoking a cigarette and expressionlessly gazing offscreen. We track in on Carl Showalter, who stands over an old black- and-white television. It plays nothing but snow. Carl is banging on it as he mutters: CARL ...days ... be here for days with a - DAMMIT! - a goddamn mute ... nothin' to do ... and the fucking - DAMMIT!... Each "dammit" brings a pound of his fist on the TV. CARL ... TV doesn't even ... plug me in, man... Gimmee a - DAMMIT! - signal... Plug me into the ozone, baby... Plug me into the ozone - FUCK!... With one last bang we cut: BACK TO THE TELEVISION SET In extreme close-up an insect is lugging a worm. TV VOICE-OVER The bark beetle carries the worm to the nest ... where it will feed its young for up to six weeks... A pull back from the screen reveals that we are in Marge's house. Marge and Norm are watching television in bed. From the TV we hear insects chirring. After a long beat, silence except for the TV, Marge murmurs, still looking at the set: MARGE ... Well, I'm turnin' in, Norm. Also looking at the TV: NORM ... Oh, yah? Marge rolls over and Norm continues to watch. We hold. BLACK Hold. A snowflake drops through the black. Another flake. It starts snowing. BRAINERD MAIN STREET The lone traffic light blinks slowly, steadily, red. Snow sifts down. There is no other movement. PAUL BUNYAN We are looking up at the bottom-lit statue. Snow falls. HIGH SHOT OF MARGE'S HOUSE Snow drops away. HIGH SHOT IN MARGE'S BEDROOM The bedroom is dark. Norm is snoring. The phone rings. Marge gropes in the dark. MARGE Hello? VOICE Yah, is this Marge? MARGE Yah? VOICE Margie Olmstead? MARGE ... Well, yah. Who's this? VOICE This is Mike Yanagita. Ya know - Mike Yanagita. Remember me? MARGE ... Mike Yanagita! MIKE Yah! Marge props herself up next to the still-sleeping Norm. MARGE Yah, yah, course I remember. How are ya? What time is it? MIKE Oh, geez. It's quarter to eleven. I hope I dint wake you. MARGE No, that's okay. MIKE Yah, I'm down in the Twin Cities and I was just watching on TV about these shootings up in Brainderd, and I saw you on the news there. MARGE Yah. MIKE I thought, geez, is that Margie Olmstead? I can't believe it! MARGE Yah, that's me. MIKE Well, how the heck are ya? MARGE Okay, ya know. Okay. MIKE Yah? MARGE Yah - how are you doon? MIKE Oh, pretty good. MARGE Heck, it's been such a long time, Mike. It's great to hear from ya. MIKE Yah... Yah, yah. Geeze, Margie! GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is on the sales floor, showing a customer a vehicle. JERRY Yah, ya got yer, this loaded here, this has yer independent, uh, yer slipped differential, uh, yer rack- and-pinion steering, yer alarm and radar, and I can give it to ya with a heck of a sealant, this TruCoat stuff, it'll keep the salt off - CUSTOMER Yah, I don't need no sealant though. JERRY Yah, you don't need that. Now were you thinking of financing here? You oughta be aware a this GMAC plan they have now, it's really super - ANOTHER SALESMAN Jerry, ya got a call here. JERRY Yah, okay. JERRY'S CUBICLE He sits in and picks up his phone. JERRY Jerry Lundegaard. VOICE All right, Jerry, you got this phone to yourself? JERRY Well ... yah. VOICE Know who this is? JERRY Well, yah, I got an idea. How's that Ciera workin' out for ya? VOICE Circumstances have changed, Jerry. JERRY Well, what do ya mean? VOICE Things have changed. Circumstances, Jerry. Beyond the, uh ... acts of God, force majeure... JERRY What the - how's Jean? A beat. CARL ... Who's Jean? JERRY My wife! What the - how's - CARL Oh, Jean's okay. But there's three people up in Brainerd who aren't so okay, I'll tell ya that. JERRY What the heck're you talkin' about? Let's just finish up this deal here - CARL Blood has been shed, Jerry. Jerry sits dumbly. The voice solemnly repeats: CARL ... Blood has been shed. JERRY What the heck d'ya mean? CARL Three people. In Brainerd. JERRY Oh, geez. CARL That's right. And we need more money. JERRY The heck d'ya mean? What a you guys got yourself mixed up in? CARL We need more - JERRY This was s'posed to be a no-rough -stuff-type deal - CARL DON'T EVER INTERRUPT ME, JERRY! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! JERRY Well, I'm sorry, but I just - I - CARL Look. I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. The price is now the whole amount. We want the entire eighty thousand. JERRY Oh, for Chrissakes here - CARL Blood has been shed. We've incurred risks, Jerry. I'm coming into town tomorrow. Have the money ready. JERRY Now we had a deal here! A deal's a deal! CARL IS IT, JERRY? You ask those three pour souls up in Brainerd if a deal's a deal! Go ahead, ask 'em! JERRY ... The heck d'ya mean? CARL I'll see you tomorrow. Click. Jerry slams down the phone, which immediately rings. He angrily snatches it up. JERRY Yah! VOICE Jerome Lundegaard? JERRY Yah! VOICE This is Reilly Deifenbach at GMAC. Sir, I have not yet recieved those vehicle IDs you promised me. JERRY Yah! I ... those are in the mail. VOICE Mr. Lundegaard, that very well may be. I must inform you, however, that absent the reciept of those numbers by tomorrow afternoon, I will have to refer this matter to our legal department. JERRY Yah. VOICE My patience is at an end. JERRY Yah. VOICE Good day, sir. JERRY ... Yah. WIDE ON THE CUBICLE We are looking at Jerry's cubicle from across the showroom. Noise muted by distance, we watch Jerry slam down the reciever, rise to his feet, fling the phone to the floor, raise his desk blotter high over his head with pens and pencils rolling off it and slam it onto his desktop. He stands for a moment, hands on hips, glaring. He stoops and picks up the phone, places it back on the desktop, starts picking up the pens and pencils. TRACK On steam-table bins of food, each identified by a plaque: BEEF STROGANOFF, SWEDISH MEATBALLS, BROILED TORSK, CHICKEN FLORENTINE. A complementary track shows two rays being pushed along a buffet line, piled high with many foods. MARGE AND NORM AT A TABLE They sit next to each other at a long cafateria-style Formica table, silently eating. A hip with a hissing walkie-talkie enters frame. GARY Hiya, Norm. How ya doin', Margie? How's the fricasse? MARGE Pretty darn good, ya want some? GARY No, I gotta - hey, Norm, I thought you were goin' fishin' up at Mile Lacs? NORM Yah, after lunch. He goes back to his food. MARGE Whatcha got there? Gary hands her a flimsy. Marge takes it with one hand and looks, her other hand frozen with a forkful of food. GARY The numbers y'asked for, calls made from the lobby pay phone at the Blue Ox. Two to Minneapolis that night. MARGE Mm. GARY First one's a trucking company, second one's a private residence. A Shep Proudfoot. MARGE Uh-huh... A what? GARY Shep Proudfoot. That's a name. MARGE Uh-huh. GARY Yah. MARGE ... Yah, okay, I think I'll drive down there, then. GARY Oh, yah? Twin Cities? Norm, who has been eating steadily throughout, looks over at Marge with mild interest. He stares for a beat as he finishes chewing, and them swallows and says: NORM ... Oh, yah? KITCHEN OF LUNDEGAARD HOUSE Jerry, Wade, and Stan Grossman sit around the kitchen table. It is night. The scene is harshly toplit by a hanging fixture. On the table are the remains of coffee and a cinammon filbert ring. WADE Dammit! I wanna be a part a this thing! JERRY No, Wade! They were real clear! They said they'd call tomorrow, with instructions, and it's gonna be delivered by me alone! WADE It's my money, I'll deliver it - what do they care? STAN Wade's got a point there. I'll handle the call if you want, Jerry. JERRY No, no. See - they, no, see, they only deal with me. Ya feel this, this nervousness on the phone there, they're very - these guys're dangerous - WADE All the more reason! I don't want you - with all due respect, Jerry - I don't want you mucking this up. JERRY The heck d'ya mean? WADE They want my money, they can deal with me. Otherwise I'm goin' to a professional. He points at a briefcase. WADE ... There's a million dollars here! JERRY No, see - WADE Look, Jerry, you're not sellin' me a damn car. It's my show here. That's that. STAN It's the way we prefer to handle it, Jerry. THE DOWNTOWN RADISSON HOTEL Marge is at the reception desk. MARGE How ya doin'? CLERK Real good. How're you today, ma'am? MARGE Real good. I'm Mrs. Gunderson, I have a reservation. The clerk types into a computer console. CLERK You sure do, Mrs. Gunderson. MARGE Is there a phone down here, ya think? LOBBY CORNER Marge is on a public phone. MARGE ... Detective Sibert? Yah, this is Marge Gunderson from up Brainerd, we spoke - Yah. Well, actually I'm in town here. I had to do a few things in the Twin Cities, so I thought I'd check in with ya about that USIF search on Shep Proudfoot... Oh, yah?... Well, maybe I'll go visit with him if I have the... No, I can find that... Well, thanks a bunch. Say, d'ya happen to know a good place for lunch in the downtown area?... Yah, the Radisson... Oh, yah? Is it reasonable? A GREEN FREEWAY SIGN Through a windshield we see a sign for the MINNEAPOLIS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT. ROOFTOP PARKING LOT The brown Ciera enters and drives lazy S-curves around the few snow-covered cars parked on the roof of the lot. It stops by one car and Carl emerges. He quickly scans the lot, then kneels in the snow at the back of the parked car and starts unscrewing its license plate. EXIT BOOTH Carl pulls up and hands the attendant his ticket. CARL Yeah, I decided not to park here. The attendant frowns uncomprehendingly at the ticket. ATTENDANT ... What do you mean, you decided not to park here? CARL Yeah, I just came in. I decided not to park here. The attendant is still puzzled. ATTENDANT You, uh... I'm sorry, sir, but - CARL I decided not to - I'm, uh, not taking the trip as it turns out. ATTENDANT I'm sorry, sir, we do have to charge you the four dollars. CARL I just pulled in here. I just fucking pulled in here! ATTENDANT Well, see, there's a minimum charge of four dollars. Long-term parking charges by the day. A car behind beeps. Carl glances back, starts digging for money. CARL I guess you think, ya know, you're an authority figure. With that stupid fucking uniform. Huh, buddy? The attendant doesn't say anything. CARL ... King Clip-on Tie here. Big fucking man. He is peeling off one dollar bills. CARL ... You know, these are the limits of your life, man. Ruler of your little fucking gate here. There's your four dollars. You pathetic piece of shit. GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is staring up, mouth agape, at the underside of a car on a hydraulic lift. Bewildered, he looks about, then asks a mechanic passing by, his voice raised over the din of the shop. JERRY Where's Shep? The mechanic points. MECHANIC Talkin' to a cop. Jerry looks. JERRY ... Cop? Marge and Shep face each other at the other end of the floor in a grimy and cluttered glassed-in cubicle. MECHANIC Said she was a policewoman. Marge and Shep silently talk. Jerry stares, swallows. INSIDE THE CUBICLE MARGE - Wednesday night? Shep is shaking his head. SHEP Nope. MARGE Well, you do reside their at 1425 Fremont Terrace? SHEP Yep. MARGE Anyone else residing there? SHEP Nope. MARGE Well, Mr. Proudfoot, this call came in past three in the morning. It's just hard for me to believe you can't remember anyone calling. Shep says nothing. MARGE ... Now, I know you've had some problems, struggling with the narcotics, some other entanglements, currently on parole - SHEP So? MARGE Well, associating with criminals, if you're the one they talked to, that right there would be a violation of your parole and would end with you back in Stillwater. SHEP Uh-huh. MARGE Now, I saw some rough stuff on your priors, but nothing in the nature of a homicide... Shep stares at her. MARGE ... I know you don't want to be an accessory to something like that. SHEP Nope. MARGE So you think you might remember who those folks were who called ya? JERRY'S OFFICE Jerry is worriedly pacing behind his desk. At a noise he looks up. Marge has stuck her head in the door. MARGE Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY Huh? Yah? MARGE I wonder if I could take just a minute of your time here - JERRY What... What is it all about? MARGE Huh? Do you mind if I sit down - I'm carrying quite a load here. Marge plops into the chair opposite him. MARGE ... You're the owner here, Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY Naw, I... Executive Sales Manager. MARGE Well, you can help me. My name's Marge Gunderson - JERRY My father-in-law, he's the owner. MARGE Uh-huh. Well, I'm a police officer from up Brainerd investigating some malfeasance and I was just wondering if you've had any new vehicles stolen off the lot in the past couple of weeks - specifically a tan Cutlass Ciera? Jerry stares at her, his mouth open. MARGE ... Mr. Lundegaard? JERRY ... Brainerd? MARGE Yah. Yah. Home a Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. JERRY ... Babe the Blue Ox? MARGE Yah, ya know we've got the big statue there. So you haven't had any vehicles go missing, then? JERRY No. No, ma'am. MARGE Okey-dokey, thanks a bunch. I'll let you get back to your paperwork, then. As Marge rises, Jerry looks blankly down at the papers on the desk in front of him. JERRY ... Yah, okay. He looks up at Marge's retreating back. He looks back down at the papers. He looks over at the phone. he picks up the phone and dials four digits. JERRY ... Yah, gimmee Shep... The heck d'ya mean?... Well, where'd he go? It's only... No, I don't need a mechanic - oh, geez - I gotta talk to a friend of his, so, uh ... have him, uh ... oh, geez... HOTEL BAR Marge enters. She looks around the bar, a rather characterless, lowlit meeting place for business people. VOICE Marge? It is a bald, paunching man of about Marge's age, rising from a booth halfway back. His features are broad, friendly, Asian-American. MARGE Mike! He approaches somewhat carefully, as if on his second drink. They hug and head back toward the booth. MIKE Geez! You look great! MARGE Yah - easy there - you do too! I'm expecting, ya know. MIKE I see that! That's great! A waitress meets them at the table. MIKE ... What can I get ya? MARGE Just a Diet Coke. Again she glances about. MARGE ... This is a nice place. MIKE Yah, ya know it's the Radisson, so it's pretty good. MARGE You're livin' in Edina, then? MIKE Oh, yah, couple years now. It's actually Eden Prarie - that school district. So Chief Gunderson, then! So ya went and married Norm Son-of- a-Gunderson! MARGE Oh, yah, a long time ago. MIKE Great. What brings ya down - are ya down here on that homicide - if you're allowed, ya know, to discuss that? MARGE Oh, yah, but there's not a heckuva lot to discuss. What about you, Mike? Are you married - you have kids? MIKE Well, yah, I was married. I was married to - You mind if I sit over here? He is sliding out of his side of the booth and easing in next to Marge. MIKE ... I was married to Linda Cooksey - MARGE No, I - Mike - wyncha sit over there, I'd prefer that. MIKE Huh? Oh, okay, I'm sorry. MARGE No, just so I can see ya, ya know. Don't have to turn my neck. MIKE Oh, sure, I unnerstand, I didn't mean to - MARGE No, no, that's fine. MIKE Yah, sorry, so I was married to Linda Cooksey - ya remember Linda? She was a year behind us. MARGE I think I remember Linda, yah. She was - yah. So things didn't work out, huh? MIKE And then I, and then I been workin' for Honeywell for a few years now. MARGE Well, they're a good outfit. MIKE Yah, if you're an engineer, yah, you could do a lot worse. Of course, it's not, uh, it's nothin' like your achievement. MARGE It sounds like you're doin' really super. MIKE Yah, well, I, uh ... it's not that it didn't work out - Linda passed away. She, uh... MARGE I'm sorry. MIKE Yah, I, uh... She had leukemia, you know... MARGE No, I didn't... MIKE It was a tough, uh ... it was a long - She fought real hard, Marge... MARGE I'm sorry, Mike. MIKE Oh, ya know, that's, uh - what can I say?... He holds up his drink. MIKE ... Better times, huh? Marge clinks it. MARGE Better times. MIKE I was so... I been so ... and then I saw you on TV, and I remembered, ya know... I always liked you... MARGE Well, I always liked you, Mike. MIKE I always liked ya so much... MARGE It's okay, Mike - Should we get together another time, ya think? MIKE No - I'm sorry! It's just - I been so lonely - then I saw you, and... He is weeping. MIKE ... I'm sorry... I shouldn't a done this... I thought we'd have a really terrific time, and now I've... MARGE It's okay... MIKE You were such a super lady ... and then I... I been so lonely... MARGE It's okay, Mike... CARLTON CELEBRITY ROOM Carl Showalter is sitting at a small table with a tarty- looking blonde in a low-cut gown. Each holds a drink. CARL Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha ha! A little of the old in-and-out! WOMAN Wuddya do? Carl looks around. CARL Have ya been to the Celebrity Room before? With other, uh, clients? WOMAN I don't think so. It's nice. CARL Yeah, well, it depends on the artist. You know, Jose Feliciano, ya got no complaints. Waiter! The reverse shows a disappearing waiter and the backs of many, many people sitting at tables between us and the very distant stage. Jose Feliciano, very small, performs on a spotlit stool. The acoustics are poor. Carl grimaces. CARL ... What is he, deaf?... So, uh, how long have you been with the escort service? WOMAN I don't know. Few munce. CARL Ya find the work interesting, do ya? WOMAN ... What're you talking about? A DIRTY BEDROOM Carl is humping the escort. We hear the door burst open. The escort is grabbed and flung out of bed. CARL Shep! What the hell are you doing? I'm banging that girl! Shep! Jesus Ch - Shep slaps him hard, forehand, backhand. SHEP Fuck out of my house! He hauls him up - CARL Shep! Don't you dare fucking hit me, man! Don't you - - punches him and flings him away. Carl hits a sofa and we see his bare legs disappear as he flips back over it. Shep enters frame to circle the sofa and kick at Carl behind it. SHEP Fuck outta here. Put me back in Stillwater. Little fucking shit. There is a knock at the door. VOICE Hey! Come on in there! Shep strides to the door, flings it open. A man in boxer shorts stands in the doorway. MAN C'mon, brother, it's late - Unghh! Shep hits him twice, then grabs both of his ears and starts banging his head against the wall. The hooker runs by, clutching her clothes, and Shep kicks her in the ass as she passes. He spins and goes back into the apartment. Carl is hopping desperately into his pants. CARL Stay away from me, man! Hey! Smoke a fuckin' peace pipe, man! Don't you dare fuckin' - Unghh! After hitting him several times, Shep yanks Carl's belt out of his dangling pants and strangles him with it. Carl gurgles. Shep knees Carl repeatedly, then dumps him onto the floor and starts whipping him with the buckle end of the belt. CHAIN RESTAURANT PHONE BOOTH Carl listens to the phone ring at the other end. His face is deeply bruised and cut. Finally, through the phone... VOICE ... Yah? CARL All right, Jerry, I'm through fucking around. You got the fucking money? JERRY'S KITCHEN Jerry is at the kitchen phone. Through the door to the dining room we see Wade picking up an extension. JERRY Yah, I got the money, but, uh - CARL Don't you fucking but me, Jerry. I want you with this money on the Dayton-Radisson parking ramp, top level, thirty minutes, and we'll wrap this up. JERRY Yah, okay, but, uh - CARL You're there in thirty minutes or I find you, Jerry, and I shoot you, and I shoot your fucking wife, and I shoot all your little fucking children, and I shoot 'em all in the back of their little fucking heads. Got it? JERRY ... Yah, well, you stay away from Scotty now - CARL GOT IT? JERRY Okay, real good, then. The line goes dead. A door slams offscreen. EXT. HOUSE Wade, briefcase in hand, gets into his Cadillac, slams the door and peels out. INT. CAR Wade's jaw works as he glares out at traffic. He mumbles to himself as he drives. WADE Okay ... here's your damn money, now where's my daughter?... Goddamn punk ... where's my damn daughter... He pulls out a gun, cracks the barrel, peers in. WADE ... You little punk. JERRY'S HOUSE Jerry sits in the foyer, trying to pull on pair of galoshes. Scotty's voice comes from upstairs: VOICE ... Dad? JERRY It's okay, Scotty. VOICE Where're you going? JERRY Be back in a minute. If Stan calls you, just tell him I went to Embers. Oh, geez - Thunk! - his first boot goes on. RADISSON Marge sits on the bed in her hotel room, shoes off, massaging her feet. The phone is pressed to her ear, and through it, we hear ringing. VOICE ... Hello? MARGE Norm? MILLE LACS LAKE It is late evening, blowing storm. A leisurely pan across the bleak gray expanse finds a little hut in the middle of the frozen lake with a pickup truck parked next to it. MARGE'S VOICE They bitin'? INT. HUT Norm has a cellular phone to his ear. His feet are stretched out to an electric heater. The interior is bathed in soft orange light. NORM Yah, okay. How's the hotel? MARGE Oh, pretty good. They bitin'? NORM Yeah, couple a muskies. No pike yet. How d'you feel? MARGE Oh, fine. NORM Not on your feet too much? MARGE No, no. NORM You shouldn't be on your feet too much, you got weight you're not used too. How's the food down there? MARGE Had dinner at a place called the King's Table. Buffet style. It was pretty darn good. NORM Was it reasonable? MARGE Yah, not too bad. So it's nice up there? NORM Yah, it's good. No pike yet, but it's good. DAYTON-RADISSON RAMP The top, open, level. Snow blows. A car sits idling. Another car pulls onto the roof. It creeps over to the parked car and stops. It continues to idle as its door opens and Wade steps out, carrying the briefcase. The door of the other car bangs open and Carl bounces out. CARL Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? WADE I got your goddamn money, you little punk. Now where's my daughter? CARL I am through fucking around! Drop that fucking briefcase! WADE Where's my daughter? CARL Fuck you, man! Where's Jerry? I gave SIMPLE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS - WADE Where's my damn daughter? No Jean, no money! CARL Drop that fucking money! WADE No Jean, no money! CARL Is this a fucking joke here? He pulls out a gun and fires into Wade's gut. CARL ... Is this a fucking joke? WADE Unghh ... oh, geez... He is on the pavement, clutching at his gut. Snow swirls. CARL You fucking imbeciles! He bends down next to Wade to pick up the briefcase. WADE Oh, for Christ ... oh, geez... Wade brings out his gun and fires at Carl's head, close by. CARL Oh! Carl stumbles and falls back, and then stands up again. His jaw is gouting blood. CARL ... Owwmm... One hand pressed to his jaw, he fires down at Wade several times. Blood streams through the hand pressed to his jaw. CARL ... Mmmmmphnck! He fnkem shop me... He pockets the gun, picks up the briefcase one-handed, flings it into his car, gets in, peels out. DOWN RAMP Carl screams down the ramp. He takes a corner at high speed and swerves, just missing Jerry in his Olds on his way to the top. INT. JERRY'S CAR Jerry recovers from the near miss and continues up. JERRY Oh, geez! EXIT BOOTH Carl squeals to a halt at the gate, still pressing his hand to his bleeding jaw. CARL Ophhem ma fuchem gaphe! ATTENDANT May I have your ticket, please? RAMP ROOF Jerry pulls to a halt next to Wade's idling Cadillac. He gets out and walks slowly to Wade's body, prostrate in the swirling snow. JERRY Oh! Oh, geez! He bends down, picks Wade up by the armpits and drags him over to the back of the Cadillac. He drops Wade's body, walks to the driver's side of the car, pulls the keys and walks back to pop the trunk. He wrestles Wade's body into the trunk, slams it shut and walks back to the scene of the shooting. He kicks at the snow with his galoshed feet, trying to hide the fresh bloodstains. EXIT BOOTH Jerry approaches in the Cadillac. The wooden gate barring the exit has been broken away. The booth is empty. Jerry eases toward the street, looking over at the booth as he passes. Inside the booth we see the awkwardly angled leg of a prostrate body. EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE The car pulls into the driveway. FOYER Jerry enters and sits on the foyer chair to take off his galoshes. SCOTT'S VOICE ... Dad? JERRY Yah. SCOTT'S VOICE Stan Grossman called. JERRY Yah, okay. SCOTT'S VOICE Twice. JERRY Okay. SCOTT'S VOICE ... Is everything okay? JERRY Yah. Thoonk - the first boot comes off. SCOTT'S VOICE Are you calling Stan? JERRY Well... I'm goin' ta bed now. CARL'S CAR Carl mumbles as he drives, underlit by the dim dash lights, one hand now holding a piece of rag to his shredded jaw. CARL ... Fnnkn ashlzh... Fnk... ROAD Carl's car roars into frame, violently swirling the snow. Its red tail lights fishtail away. FADE OUT HOLD IN BLACK HARD CUT TO: BRIGHT - LOOKING THROUGH A WINDSHIELD It is a starky sunny day. We are cruising down a street of humble lookalike houses. We pan right as we draw toward one house in particular. In its driveway a man in a hooded parka shovels snow. He notices the approaching car and gives its driver a wave. The driver is Gary, the Brainderd police officer. He gives a finger-to-the-head salute and pulls over. OUTSIDE Gary slams his door shut and the other man plants his shovel in the snow. MAN How ya doin'? GARY Mr. Mohra? MAN Yah. GARY Officer Olson. MAN Yah, right-o. The two men caucus the driveway without shaking hands and without standing particularly close. They stand stiffly, arms down at their sides and breath streaming out of their parka hoods. Each has an awkward leaning-away posture, head drawn slightly back and chin tucked in, to keep his face from protruding into the cold. MAN ... So, I'm tendin' bar there at Ecklund && Swedlin's last Tuesday and this little guy's drinkin' and he says, 'So where can a guy find some action - I'm goin' crazy down there at the lake.' And I says, 'What kinda action?' and he says, 'Woman action, what do I look like,' And I says 'Well, what do I look like, I don't arrange that kinda thing,' and he says, 'I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake' and I says, 'Well, this ain't that kinda place.' GARY Uh-huh. MAN So he says, 'So I get it, so you think I'm some kinda jerk for askin',' only he doesn't use the word jerk. GARY I unnerstand. MAN And then he calls me a jerk and says the last guy who thought he was a jerk was dead now. So I don't say nothin' and he says, 'What do ya think about that?' So I says, 'Well, that don't sound like too good a deal for him then.' GARY Ya got that right. MAN And he says, 'Yah, that guy's dead and I don't mean a old age.' And then he says, 'Geez, I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake.' GARY White Bear Lake? MAN Well, Ecklund && Swedlin's, that's closer ta Moose Lake, so I made that assumption. GARY Oh sure. MAN So, ya know, he's drinkin', so I don't think a whole great deal of it, but Mrs. Mohra heard about the homicides out here and she thought I should call it in, so I called it in. End a story. GARY What'd this guy look like anyways? MAN Oh, he was a little guy, kinda funny-lookin'. GARY Uh-huh - in what way? MAN Just a general way. GARY Okay, well, thanks a bunch, Mr. Mohra. You're right, it's probably nothin', but thanks for callin' her in. MAN Oh sure. They say she's gonna turn cold tomorrow. GARY Yah, got a front movin' in. MAN Ya got that right. CLOSE ON CARL SHOWALTER In his car, now parked, one hand holding the rag pressed to his mangled jaw. He is staring down at something in the front seat next to him. His other hand holds open the briefcase. It has money inside - a lot of money. Carl unfreezes, takes out one of the bank-wrapped wads and looks at it. CARL ... Mmmnphh. He paws through the money in the briefcase to get a feeling for the amount. CARL ... Jeshush Shrist... Jeshush fuchem Shrist! Excited, he counts out a bundle of bills and tosses it onto the back seat. He starts to take the rag away from his chin but the layer pressed against his face sticks, its loose weave bound to his skin by clotted blood. He pulls very gently and winces as blood starts to flow again. He carefully tears the rag in half so that only a bit of it remains adhering to his jaw. EXT. CAR It is pulled over to the side of an untraveled road. THe door opens and Carl emerges with the briefcase. He slogs through the snow, down a gulley and up the embankment to a barbed-wire fence. He kneels at one of the fence posts and frantically digs into the snow with his bare hands, throws in the briefcase and covers it back up. He stands and tries to beat the circulation back into his red, frozen hands. He looks to the right. A regular line of identical fence posts stretches away against unblemished white. He looks to the left. A regular line of identical fence posts stretches away against unblemished white. He looks at the fence post in front of him. CARL Mmmphh... He looks about the snowy vastness for a marker. Finding none, he kicks the fence post a couple of times, failing to scar or tilt it, then hurriedly plants a couple of sicks up against the post. He bends down, scoops up a handful of snow, presses it against his wounded jaw, and lopes back to the idling car. HOTEL ROOM Marge has a packed overnight back sitting on the unmade bed. She is ready to leave, already wearing her parka, but is on the phone. MARGE No, I'm leavin' this mornin', back up to Brainerd. VOICE Well, I'm sorry I won't see ya. MARGE Mm. But ya think he's all right? I saw him last night and he's - VOICE What'd he say? MARGE Well, it was nothin' specific he said, it just seemd like it all hit him really hard, his wife dyin' - VOICE His wife? MARGE Linda. VOICE No. MARGE Linda Cooksey? VOICE No. No. No. They weren't - he, uh, he was bothering Linda for about, oh, for a good year. Really pestering her, wouldn't leave her alone. MARGE So ... they didn't... VOICE No. No. They never married. Mike's had psychiatric problems. MARGE Oh. Oh, my. VOICE Yah, he - he's been struggling. He's living with his parents now. MARGE Oh. Geez. VOICE Yah, Linda's fine. You should call her. MARGE Geez. Well - geez. That's a suprise. MARGE'S CAR Marge drives, gazing out at the road. MARGE AT A DRIVE-THROUGH She leans out of her open window and yells at the order panel: MARGE Hello? MARGE AT THE GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE She sits in the lot, eating a breakfast sandwich. JERRY LUNDEGAARD'S OFFICE Jerry is at his desk using a blunt pencil to enter numbers onto a form. Beneath the form is a piece of carbon paper and beneath that another form copy, which Jerry periodically checks. The carbon-copy form shows thick smudgy, illegible entries. Jerry hums nervously. Glass rattles as someone taps at his door. Jerry looks up and freezes, mouth hanging open, brow knit with worry. Marge sticks her head in the door. MARGE Mr. Lundegaard? Sorry to bother you again. Can I come in? She starts to enter. JERRY Yah, no, I'm kinda - I'm kinda busy - MARGE I unnerstand. I'll keep it real short, then. I'm on my way out of town, but I was just - Do you mind if I sit down? I'm carrying a bit of a load here. JERRY No, I - But she is already sitting into the chair opposite with a sigh of relieved weight. MARGE Yah, it's this vehicle I asked you about yesterday. I was just wondering - JERRY Yah, like I told ya, we haven't had any vehicles go missing. MARGE Okay, are you sure, cause, I mean, how do you know? Because, see, the crime I'm investigating, the perpetrators were driving a car with dealer plates. And they called someone who works here, so it'd be quite a coincidence if they weren't, ya know, connected. JERRY Yah, I see. MARGE So how do you - have you done any kind of inventory recently? JERRY The car's not from our lot, ma'am. MARGE but do you know that for sure without - JERRY Well, I would know. I'm the Executive Sales Manager. MARGE Yah, but - JERRY We run a pretty tight ship here. MARGE I know, but - well, how do you establish that, sir? Are the cars, uh, counted daily or what kind of - JERRY Ma'am, I answered your question. There is a silent beat. MARGE ... I'm sorry, sir? JERRY Ma'am, I answered your question. I answered the darn - I'm cooperating here, and I... MARGE Sir, you have no call to get snippy with me. I'm just doin' my job here. JERRY I'm not, uh, I'm not arguin' here. I'm cooperating... There's no, uh - we're doin' all we can... He trails off into silence. MARGE Sir, could I talk to Mr. Gustafson? Jerry stares at her. MARGE ... Mr. Lundegaard? Jerry explodes: JERRY Well, heck, if you wanna, if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I... He is getting angrily off his feet. JERRY Okay, I'll do a damned lot count! MARGE Sir? Right now? JERRY Sure right now! You're darned tootin'! He is yanking his parka from a hook behind the opened door and grabbing a pair of galoshes. JERRY ... If it's so damned imporant to ya! MARGE I'm sorry, sir, I - Jerry has the parka slung over one arm and the galoshes pinched in his hand. JERRY Aw, what the Christ! He stamps out the door. Marge stares. After a long moment her stare breaks. She glances idly around the office. There is a framed picture facing away from her on the desktop. She turns it to face her. It is Scotty, holding an accordion. There is another picture of Jean. Marge looks at it, looks around, for some reason, at the ceiling. She looks at a trophy shelf on the wall behind her. She fiddles idly with a pencil. She pulls a clipboard toward her. It holds a form from the General Motors Finance Corporation. She looks idly around. Her look abruptly locks. MARGE ... Oh, for Pete's sake. Jerry is easing his car around the near corner of the building. Marge's voice is flat with dismay: MARGE ... Oh, for Pete's sake... She grabs the phone and punches in a number. MARGE ... For Pete's s- he's fleein' the interview. He's feelin' the interview... Jerry makes a left turn into traffic. MARGE ... Detective Sibert, please... POLICE OFFICER We are looking across a steam table at a man in blue. He moves slowly to the right, pushing his tray along a cafeteria line. Behind him, in the depth of the room, is an eating area of long Formica tables at which sit a mix of uniformed and civilian-clothed police and staff. We are listening to an offscreen woman's voice. WOMAN Well, so far we're just saying he's wanted for questioning in connection with a triple homicide. Nobody at the dealship there's been much help guessing where he might go... The woman is entering frame sliding a tray. Marge enters behind her, sliding her own. We move laterally with them as they slowly make their way along the line. MARGE Uh-huh. WOMAN We called his house; his little boy said he hadn't been there. MARGE And his wife? WOMAN She's visiting relatives in Florida. Now his boss, this guy Gustafson, he's also disappeared. Nobody at his office knows where he is. MARGE Geez. Looks like this thing goes higher than we thought. You call his home? WOMAN His wife's in the hospital, has been for a couple months. The big C. MARGE Oh, my. WOMAN And this Shep Proudfoot character, he's a little darling. He's now wanted for assault and parole violation. He clobbered a neighbor of his last night and another person who could be one of your perps, and he's at large. MARGE Boy, this thing is really ... geez. WOMAN Well, they're all out on the wire. Well, you know... MARGE Yah. Well, I just can't thank you enough, Detective Sibert, this cooperation has been outstanding. DETECTIVE SIBERT Ah, well, we haven't had to run around like you. When're you due? MARGE End a April. DETECTIVE SIBERT Any others? MARGE This'll be our first. We've been waiting a long time. DETECTIVE SIBERT That's wonderful. Mm-mm. It'll change your life, a course. MARGE Oh, yah, I know that! DETECTIVE SIBERT They can really take over, that's for sure. MARGE You have children? Detective Sibert pulls an accordion of plastic picture sleeves from her purse to show Marge. DETECTIVE SIBERT I thought you'd never ask. The older one is Janet, she's nine, and the younger one is Morgan. MARGE Oh, now he's adorable. DETECTIVE SIBERT He's three now. Course, not in that picture. MARGE Oh, he's adorable. DETECTIVE SIBERT Yah, he - MARGE Where'd you get him that parka? They have reached the end of the cafeteria line. With a nod to the cashier, Detective Sibert indicates hers and Marge's trays. DETECTIVE SIBERT Both of these. MARGE Oh, no, I can't let you do that. DETECTIVE SIBERT Oh, don't be silly. MARGE Well, okay - thank you, Detective. DETECTIVE SIBERT Oh, don't be silly. GAEAR GRIMSRUD He sits eating a Swanson's TV dinner from a TV tray he has set up in front of an easy chair. He watches the old black-and-white TV set whose image - it might be a game show - is still heavily ghosting and diffused by snow. The audio crackles with interference. Despite the impenetrability of its image, it holds Grimsrud's complete attention. At the sound of the front door opening, Grimsrud looks up. Carl enters, his face suppurating and raw. He reacts to Grimsrud's wordless look with a grotesque laugh. CARL You should she zhe uzher guy! He glances around. CARL ... The fuck happen a her? Jean sits slumped in a straight-backed chair facing the wall. Her hooded head, resting on her chin, is motionless. There is blood on the facing wall. GRIMSRUD She started shrieking, you know. CARL Jezhush. He shakes his head. CARL ... Well, I gotta muddy. He is plunking down eight bank-wrapped bundles on the table. CARL ... All of it. All eighty gran. Forty for you... He makes one pile, pockets the rest. CARL ... Forty for me. Sho thishuzh it. Adiosh. He slaps keys down on the table. CARL ... You c'n'ave my truck. I'm takin' a Shiera. GRIMSRUD We split that. Carl looks at him. CARL HOW THE FUCK DO WE SHPLITTA FUCKIN' CAR? Ya dummy! Widda fuckin' chainshaw? Grimsrud looks sourly up. There is a beat. Finally: GRIMSRUD One of us pays the other for half. CARL HOLD ON! NO FUCKIN' WAY! YOU FUCKIN' NOTISH ISH? I GOT FUCKIN' SHOT INNA FAISH! I WENT'N GOTTA FUCKIN' MONEY! I GET SHOT FUCKIN' PICKIN' IT UP! I BEEN UP FOR THIRTY-SHIKSH FUCKIN' HOURZH! I'M TAKIN' THAT FUCKIN' CAR! THAT FUCKERZH MINE! Carl waits for an argument, but only gets the steady sour look. Carl pulls out a gun. CARL ... YOU FUCKIN' ASH-HOLE! I LISHEN A YOUR BULLSHIT FOR A WHOLE FUCKIN' WEEK! A beat. Carl returns Grimsrud's stare. CARL ... Are we shquare? Grimsrud says nothing. CARL ... ARE WE SHQUARE? A beat. Disgusted, Carl pockets the gun and heads for the door. CARL ... Fuckin' ash-hole. And if you shee your friend Shep Proudpfut, tell him I'm gonna NAIL hizh fuckin' ash. OUTSIDE We are pulling Carl as he walks toward the car. Behind him we see the cabin door opening. Carl turns, reacting to the sound. Grimsrud is bounding out wearing mittens and a red hunter's cap, but no overcoat. He is holding an ax. Carl fumbles in his pocket for his gun. Grimsrud swings overhand, burying the ax in Carl's neck. MARGE In her cruiser, on her two-way. Through it we hear Lou's voice, heavily filtered: VOICE His wife. This guy says she was kidnapped last Wednesday. MARGE The day of our homicides. VOICE Yah. Marge is peering to one side as she drives, looking through the bare trees that border the road on a declivity that runs down to a large frozen lake. MARGE And this guy is... VOICE Lundegaard's father-in-law's accountant. MARGE Gustafson's accountant. VOICE Yah. MARGE But we still haven't found Gustafson. VOICE (crackle) - looking. MARGE Sorry - didn't copy. VOICE Still missing. We're looking. MARGE Copy. And Lundegaard too. VOICE Yah. Where are ya, Margie? We hear, distant but growing louder, harsh engine noise, as of a chainsaw or lawnmower. MARGE Oh, I'm almost back - I'm driving around Moose Lake. VOICE Oh. Gary's loudmouth. MARGE Yah, the loudmouth. So the whole state has it, Lundegaard and Gustafson? VOICE Yah, it's over the wire, it's everywhere, they'll find 'em. MARGE Copy. VOICE We've got a - MARGE There's the car! There's the car! We are slowing as we approach a short driveway leading down to a cabin. Parked in front is the brown Cutlass Ciera. VOICE Whose car? MARGE My car! My car! Tan Ciera! VOICE Don't go in! Wait for back-up! Marge is straining to look. The power-tool noise is louder here but still muffled, its source not yet visible. VOICE ... Chief Gunderson? MARGE Copy. Yah, send me back-up! VOICE Yes, ma'am. Are we the closest PD? MARGE Yah, Menominie only has Chief Perpich and he takes February off to go to Boundary Waters. ROAD EXTERIOR Marge pulls her prowler over some distance past the cabin. She gets out, zips up her khaki parka and pulls up its fur- lined hood. For a moment, she stands listening to the muffled roar of the power tool. Then, with one curved arm half pressing against, half supporting her belly, she takes slow, gingerly steps down the slope, through the deep snow, through the trees angling toward the cabin and the source of the grinding noise. She slogs from tree to tree, letting each one support her downhill-leaning weight for a moment before slogging to the next. The roar grows louder. Marge stands panting by one tree, her breath vaporizing out of her snorkel hood. She squints down toward the cabin's back lot. A tall man with his back to us, wearing a red plaid quilted jacket and a hunting cap with earflaps, is laboring over a large power tool which his body blocks from view. Marge advances. The man is forcing downward something which engages the roaring power tool and makes harsh spluttering noises. The man is Grimsrud, his nose red and eyes watering from the cold, hatflaps pulled down over his ears. His breath steams as he sourly goes about his work, both hands pressing down a shod foot, as it if were the shaft of a butter churn. The roar is very loud. Marge slogs down to the next tree, panting, looking. Grimsrud forces more of the leg into the machine, which we can now see sprays small wet chunks out the bottom. Marge's eyes shift. A large dark form lies in the snow next to Grimsrud. Grimsrud works on, eyes watering. With a grunt he bends down out of frame and then re-enters holding a thick log. He uses it to force the leg deeper into the machine. Marge is advancing. She holds a gun extended toward Grimsrud, who is still turned away. Grimsrud rubs his nose with the back of his hand. Marge closes in, grimacing. Grimsrud's back strains as he puts his weight into the log that pushes down into the machine. The dark shape in the snow next to his side is the rest of Carl Showalter's body. Marge has drawn to within twenty yards. When she bellows it sounds hollow and distant, her voice all but eaten up by the roar of the power tool. MARGE Stop! Police! Turn around and hands up! Startled, Grimsrud scowls. He turns to face her. He stares. Marge bellows again: MARGE ... Hands up! Conscious of the noise, she shows with a twist of her shoulder the armpatch insignia. MARGE ... Police! Grimsrud stares. With a quick twist, he reaches back for the log, hurls it at Marge and then starts running away. Marge twists her body sideways, shielding herself. No need - the heavy log travels perhaps ten yards and lands in the snow several feet short of her. Grimsrud pants up the hill - slow going through the deep snow. Behind him: MARGE ... Halt! She fires in the air. She lowers the gun and carefully sighs. MARGE ... Halt! She fires. Grimsrud still slogs up the hill - a miss. Marge sights again. MARGE ... Halt! She fires again. Grimsrud pitches forward. He mutters in Swedish as he reaches down to clutch at his wounded leg. Marge walks toward him, gun trained on him as her other hand reaches under her parka and gropes around her waist. It comes out with a pair of handcuffs, which she opens with a snap of the wrist. MARGE ... All right, buddy. On your belly and your hands clasped behind you. THE CRUISER Marge drives. Grimsrud sits in the back seat, hands cuffed behind him. For a long moment there, he is quiet - only engine hum and the periodic clomp of wheels on pavement seams - as Marge grimly shakes her head. MARGE ... So that was Mrs. Lundegaard in there? She glances up in the rear-view mirror. Grimsrud, cheeks sunk, eyes hollow, looks sourly out at the road. Marge shakes her head. At length: MARGE ... I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. Grimsrud's head bobs with bumps on the road; otherwise he is motionless, reactionless, scowling and gazing out. MARGE ... And those three people in Brainerd. No response. Marge, gazing forward, seems to be talking to herself. MARGE ... And for what? For a little bit of money. We hear distant sirens. MARGE ... There's more to life than money, you know. She glances up in the rear-view mirror. MARGE ... Don't you know that?... And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day... Grimsrud's hollow eyes stare out. The sirens are getting louder. Marge pulls over. MARGE ... Well... She leans forward to the dash to give two short signalling WHOOPS on her siren. She turns on her flashers. She leans back with a creak and jangle of utilities. She stares forward, shakes her head. We hear the dull click of her flashers. MARGE ... I just don't unnerstand it. Outside it is snowing. The sky, the earth, the road - all white. A squad car, gumballs spinning, punches through the white. It approaches in slow motion. An ambulance punches through after it. Another squad car. FADE OUT: FADE IN: HIGH AND WIDE ON A SHABBY MOTEL It stands next to a highway on a snowy, windslept plain. One or two cars dot the parking lot along with an idling police cruiser. MOTEL ROOM DOORWAY We are looking over the shoulders of two uniformed policemen who stand on either side of the door, their hands resting lightly on their holstered sidearms. One of them raps at the door. COP ONE Mr. Anderson... A title fades in: OUTSIDE OF BISMARK, NORTH DAKOTA After a pause, muffled through the door: VOICE ... Who?... COP ONE Mr. Anderson, is this your burgundy 88 out here? VOICE ... Just a sec. COP ONE Could you open the door, please? VOICE ... Yah. Yah, just a sec. We hear a clatter from inside. VOICE ... Just a sec... One of the policemen unholsters his gun and nods to someone whose back enters - a superintendent holding a ring of keys. This man turns a key in the door and then stands away. The two policemen, guns at the ready, bang into the motel room. The rough hand-held camera rushes in behind them as the two men give the room a two-handed sweep with their guns. The room is empty. Cop one indicates the open bathroom door. COP ONE Dale! The two men charge the bathroom, belts jingling, guns at the ready, jittery camera behind them rushing to keep pace. A man in boxer shorts is halfway out the bathroom window. The policemen holster their guns and charge the window, and drag Jerry Lundegaard back into the room. His flesh quivers as he thrashes and keens in short, piercing screams. The cops wrestle him to the floor but his palsied thrashing continues. The policemen struggle to restrain him. COP ONE Call an ambulance! COP TWO You got him okay? Cop One pinions Jerry's arms to the floor and Jerry bursts into uncontrolled sobbing. COP ONE Yah, yah, call an ambulance. Jerry sobs and screams. A BEDROOM We are square on Norm, who sits in bed watching television. After a long beat, Marge enters frame in a nightie and climbs into bed, with some effort. MARGE Oooph! Norm reaches for her hand as both watch the television. At length Norm speaks, but keeps his eyes on the TV. NORM They announced it. Marge looks at him. MARGE They announced it? NORM Yah. Marge looks at him, waiting for more, but Norm's eyes stay fixed on the television. MARGE ... So? NORM Three-cent stamp. MARGE Your mallard? NORM Yah. MARGE Norm, that's terrific! Norm tries to suppress a smile of pleasure. NORM It's just the three cent. MARGE It's terrific! NORM Hautman's blue-winged teal got the twenty-nine cent. People don't much use the three-cent. MARGE Oh, for Pete's - a course they do! Every time they raise the darned postage, people need the little stamps! NORM Yah. MARGE When they're stuck with a bunch a the old ones! NORM Yah, I guess. MARGE That's terrific. Her eyes go back to the TV. MARGE ... I'm so proud a you, Norm. Norm murmurs: NORM I love you, Margie. MARGE I love you, Norm. Both of them are watching the TV as Norm reaches out to rest a hand on top of her stomach. NORM ... Two more months. Marge absently rests her own hand on top of his. MARGE Two more months. Hold; fade out.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High FADE IN: EXT. RIDGEMONT CENTER MALL - NIGHT From the outside parking lot it looks like an enormous beached whale. It is the prime hangout for all the teenagers in the area. Kids mill around the parking lot or stand by the mall entrance. INT. RIDGEMONT CENTER MALL There are three levels of stores underneath a massive fluorescent roof. Different music comes from each store. It looks seventies-modern, but already used and run-down. Groups of kids cruise the mall, eyeing each other and acting cool. INT. SWENSON'S ICE-CREAM PARLOR - NIGHT The teenage waitresses in their peppermint pattie uniforms are rushing around, trying to keep up with their orders. A good-looking man in his mid-twenties enters and sits. He wears a plastic name tag that says: "Pacific Stereo Audio Consultant, RON JOHNSON." Two Swenson's Waitresses pass by with supreme indifference, and take their orders into the back kitchen. INT. SWENSON'S BACK KITCHEN WAITRESS #1 I think he looks like Richard Gere. The two Waitresses discuss the issue at hand. One of them, Linda Barrett, is the seventeen year old, retired sex queen of Ridgemont High. WAITRESS #1 (CONT'D) I think he looks like... Richard Gere. (Bruce Springsteen) LINDA Did you see his cute little butt? A third waitress enters. WAITRESS #2 Let's talk about C-19. WAITRESS #1 AND LINDA We were! WAITRESS #2 I think I'll drop over and change the shakers. LINDA No, be cool, that's Stacy's section. Through the entrance, we see Stacy Hamilton. She is the fifteen-year-old trainee, sweet-looking with just the last traces of baby fat. She puts down a glass of water for Ron, spills some and mops it up. WAITRESS #1 He's too old for Stacy, she hasn't even started high school yet. A flustered Stacy enters the back kitchen. LINDA How's it going. STACY Do you think that guy's cute? WAITRESS #1 In a blow-dryed kind of way. STACY Does anyone else want to take his table? LINDA Don't you like him? STACY Yeah, but I fucked up. You can take it. Really. LINDA Come on, Stacy, it's your section and your man. STACY What should I do? LINDA Just take his order, look him in the eye and if he says anything remotely funny, laugh a lot. She fluffs up Stacy's hair and gently shoves her towards the door. Stacy reluctantly exits. INT. SWENSON'S DINING ROOM Stacy goes to Ron's table. RON So you working hard or hardly working? Stacy thinks it over, decides it's a joke and laughs (a little too late). Ron looks at her soulfully. RON (CONT'D) You look like you could still be in high school. STACY I know, everyone says that. He stares at her and she stares back uncomfortably. STACY (CONT'D) What can I get for you tonight. RON How about your phone number? Stacy smiles nervously. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL - OUTSIDE SWENSON'S - NIGHT A teenage boy stands in front of an in-mall theatre across from Swenson's. He wears a stiff over-sized tuxedo suit. He is Mark "The Rat" Ratner, a ticket taker on the job. Mike Damone, a transplanted Easterner, bops over from the record store, eyeing every girl he passes. He stops at the movie theatre. THE RAT Do you ever look at those girls who work at Swenson's? They're beautiful. And I have to stand out here and watch them six nights a week. DAMONE You should work for yourself. Two Junior High Kids spot Damone, walk up to him. DAMONE (CONT'D) What can I do for you, gentlemen? JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 You the guy with the Van Halen tickets? DAMONE I could be. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 What do you want for something in the first ten rows? DAMONE Twenty bucks apiece. JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 Those tickets were only twelve fifty! DAMONE So don't buy 'em. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 (to friend) All the other scalpers are sold out, Arnold. Damone reacts indignantly. DAMONE Scalper? You call me a scalper? I perform a service, my friends. The service costs money. Now do you want the tickets or not? The Kids look at each other. JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 Are you sure you can't go any lower. DAMONE These are my special back-to-school prices. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 We'll take 'em. Damone reaches inside his pants pocket for a wad of tickets. EXT. CARL'S JR. - NIGHT At the other end of the mall is a neon-lit Carl's Jr. Hamburger Restaurant. If Swenson's was the warm up, this is the main attraction of the Ridgemont Mall. INT. CARL'S JR. Back-to-school banners hang from the walls. Many kids are lined up at the counters. In the middle of the kitchen, directing all the orders, is a seventeen year old named Brad. He moves confidently, observing the fryer, checking cup supply, and giving an affectionate squeeze to a pretty cashier named Lisa. She lets him kiss her, but only once. A teenage Customer shouts to Brad from the front counter. CUSTOMER Hey Brad! I waited till you came on! I wanted your fries. Brad smiles, walks over to the fryer and discards the fries left from the previous shift. He shouts to the other employees as he puts in a new batch, "his" batch. BRAD We need fifteen Superstars, David! FELLOW EMPLOYEE #1 Okay, Brad! BRAD I'll take care of the fry orders! Just get me the Superstars! FELLOW EMPLOYEE #2 Fish sandwiches! Brad spots three surfers sitting in the dining area. None of them are wearing shirts. BRAD Hey you guys! You had shirts on when you came in here. ANGLE ON THE MAIN SURFER a bleary kid sitting at the head of the table. He runs a hand through his long, stringy blond hair. After a time, he speaks. SPICOLI Something happened to them, mon. BRAD Come on, Spicoli. Why don't you just put your shirts back on? See the sign? ANGLE ON HANDWRITTEN SIGN IN WINDOW that reads: "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Dice" INT. CARL'S JR. A store manager, Dennis Taylor, bustles up to Brad. DENNIS Any problems? BRAD No, just a couple of surfers with no shirts on. I took care of it, Dennis. ANGLE ON SURFERS grumbling, putting shirts back on. It pains them. Dennis heads back to his office when he sees something in the trash bin. DENNIS Did you throw away those fries, Hamilton? BRAD They were left over from the last shift. DENNIS Those were perfectly good fries, Hamilton. (glares at Brad) Perfectly good. BRAD But they weren't mine. Brad laughs, goes back to work. INT. MALL - LATE NIGHT It is closed and only a few janitors remain. Stacy and Linda walk through the large empty mall. STACY He gave me his card. (lovingly) 'Ron Johnson, Audio Consultant.' LINDA (amused) Should we buy a frame for that? STACY Come on, Linda, I haven't had a boyfriend all summer. You promised when I started working at the mall that my life would change... Do you think he'll call this week? LINDA Listen, Stace, you want to know about guys? I'll tell you. They're mostly chicken. Before I met Doug I chased after every guy I thought was cute. I thought if I gave out a vibe they'd get the message and call me up. Well, guess what? They don't call. STACY So what did you do? LINDA I called them. If I was sitting next to a guy and I wanted to sit closer, I'd sit closer. If I wanted to kiss him, I'd just do it. You want Ron Johnson? Grab him. STACY I can't do that. They pass a janitor cleaning graffiti that says: LINCOLN SURF NAZIS and MAGGOT LUST FOR THE DUST. LINDA Face it. With some guys you have to make the first move. A lot of guys are just... wussies. STACY Really? LINDA Stacy, what are you waiting for? You're fifteen. I did it when I was thirteen. It's no huge thing. It's just sex. If you don't, one of the other girls will. STACY (cute) He was hot, wasn't he? LINDA If I didn't have a fiance in Chicago, I'd go for it. A young Girl runs and catches up with Linda and Stacy. GIRL (breathless) Are you Linda Barrett? LINDA Yes. GIRL I'm Carrie Frazier from Toys 'R Us. Judy Hinton from May Company told me I could ask you something. Linda nods. GIRL (CONT'D) I have this situation with my boyfriend, and I wanted to... (looks at Stacy, then whispers in Linda's ear) Linda listens thoughtfully, then clicks into her "sex expert" mode. LINDA Okay, are you over sixteen? The Girl nods. LINDA (CONT'D) All right, what you want to do is go to the Free Clinic and tell the doctor that you have sex regularly - several times a week -- and that you need Nornel One Plus Fifty's. GIRL And they don't call my parents? LINDA Not if you're over sixteen. GIRL Okay. Thanks a lot, Linda. LINDA And don't let them talk you into a diaphragm either. The Girl thanks Linda again. Linda and Stacy get to the back exit of the mall and Linda uses a key to open the door. STACY I can't believe I start high school tomorrow. LINDA Believe it. They exit the mall, into the night. EXT. RIDGEMONT SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY We see all the elements of the first day of school. The students carry new books, explore new lockers, begin to stake out their ground. Someone has taken the steel letters from the green vanguard out front. It reads: "IDG MON SENOR HI HO." The rest of Ridgemont High is covered with toilet paper. And a black spray paint message along the side of the front office building reads, "LINCOLN SURF NAZIS." EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT - DAY Brad pulls into the Ridgemont High parking lot. He drives a beat-up, four-door model LTD sedan. Three friends wait for him near his parking space. They are dressed in the same golf caps with brand logos on the front like CAT, NATIONAL and CHAINSAW. BUDDY #1 Hamilton! BUDDY #2 The cruising vessel! Hey -- Yooooo! Brad climbs out of his car and pats it admiringly. BRAD Six more payments, gentlemen. Brad joins his friends, and they walk towards the gymnasium. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT We see a shiny, new, blue Mustang whip into the parking lot. Students scatter from the parking space. Behind the wheel is football star Charles Jefferson. A huge, black kid. The halls at Ridgemont part for Charles Jefferson. Rat and Damone are in the parking lot. Damone surrounded by underclassmen (customers) selling tickets. DAMONE See that Mustang? U.C.L.A. gave Charles Jefferson that car when he was a sophomore. The underclassmen are impressed. They watch as Jefferson opens his car door and stands to his full height, over six-foot tall. He opens his trunk and pulls out no books, just a football duffel bag. He slowly walks by Damone, Rat and the underclassmen. DAMONE (CONT'D) How ya doing! That car looks great, Charles! Jefferson gives Damone a death glare. JEFFERSON Don't... fuck... with... it. He moves on. Damone resumes selling tickets. DAMONE Shit, that's my man. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT We see a clutching, smooching couple walk by. Cheerleader Cindy Carr and her boyfriend, Gregg Adams. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT - DAY The Four Stoners (from Carl's Jr.) tumble out of a van in the parking lot. They head towards the gymnasium. INT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM - DAY Standing by the A-B-C-D-E registration counter in the gymnasium, Brad waits to pick up his red ad card. He stands surrounded by his buddies. They nod vigorously at everything Brad says. As he talks, fellow students all say hello or pat him as they pass. One troubled-looking boy, Arnold, walks up to Brad. ARNOLD Brad, can I talk to you a minute? BRAD Arnold. What's happening? Arnold speaks confidentially to Brad. ARNOLD Brad, I really fuckin' hate McDonald's, man. Ever since they started in with the chicken, everything went downhill. BRAD You want to work at Carl's? ARNOLD Oh, man, if you could swing something there, I'd do anything for you. I want to work with you guys. BRAD I can probably get you in there. Just let me talk to Dennis Taylor. ARNOLD All right!! Brad notices Stacy and nods with complete inner cool. STACY Hi, Brad. BRAD Sis. BRAD'S BUDDIES Hey, Stacy. STACY Hi... Where's Lisa? BRAD Everyone wants to know where Lisa is. How should I know where Lisa is? (to buddies) What am I gonna do? Now my little sister goes to the same high school. The party's over. (to Stacy) So who do you have first period? STACY U.S. History. Mr. Hand. BRAD Hey-yo. DAVID Hey-yoooooooooo. STACY (concerned) What's wrong with Mr. Hand? BRAD Nothing... if you like 'Hawaii Five O.' You better get in class, Stacy. That's not the one to be late to. Stacy hurries off. RICH (as soon as she is gone) Your sister is really turning into a fox. BRAD You should see her in the morning. BRAD'S BUDDIES Hey-yooooooooooo. INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - DAY Stacy barely slips in the door before the final attendance bell sounds. She finds a seat just as the teacher's cubicle door opens at the back of the classroom. A tall figure comes barreling down the aisle. He is Mr. Hand. The man makes a double-speed step to the door at the front of the class, kicks the door shut and locks it. The windows rattle in their frames. Stacy watches, wide-eyed, at her first high school class. MR. HAND Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand. Mr. Hand writes his name on the green chalkboard before his class. Every letter is a small explosion of chalk. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (almost sweetly) I have but one question for you on our first morning 'together.' (pause) Can you attend my class? Pakalo?... Understand?... History has proven us one basic fact. Man does not do anything that is not for his own good. It is for your own good that you attend my class. And if you can't make it... I can make you. An impatient knock begins at the front door of the classroom. MR. HAND (CONT'D) We have a twenty-question quiz every Friday. It will cover all the material we've dealt with during the week. There will be no make-up exams. It's important that you all have your Land of Truth and Liberty textbooks by Wednesday. At the latest. The knock continues. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Your grade is the average of all your quizzes, plus the midterm and final, which counts for one-third. Got it? The mystery knocker tries a lazy calypso beat on the front door. No one in Mr. Hand's U.S. History class dares mention it, much less answer it. Stacy grips her desk with the tension of her first day. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Also. There will be no eating in this class. You get used to doing your own business on your own time. That's one demand I make. I don't like staying after class with you on detention. That's my time. I don't like wasting it. Just like you wouldn't want me to come to your house some evening and discuss U.S. History on your time. Pakalo? Hand finally turns, as if he has just noticed the sound at the door and opens the door an inch. Jeffrey Spicoli stands in the doorway, red eyes glistening. His long, blond hair is still wet and streaming down the back of his white peasant shirt. He grins, oblivious to such trivial matters as attendance bells. A Student sitting near Stacy turns to his friends. STUDENT That guy has been stoned since the third grade. MR. HAND Yes? SPICOLI Yeah. I'm registered for this class. MR. HAND What class? SPICOLI This is U.S. History, right? I saw the globe in the window. MR. HAND (appears enthralled) Really? Spicoli holds his red ad card up to the crack in the door. SPICOLI Can I come in? MR. HAND (swinging door open) Oh, please. I get so lonely when that third attendance bell rings and I don't see all my kids here. Spicoli laughs. He is the only one. SPICOLI Sorry I'm late. This new schedule is totally confusing. Mr. Hand takes the red ad card and reads from it with utter fascination. MR. HAND Mr. Spicoli? SPICOLI That's the name they gave me. Mr. Hand slowly tears the card into little pieces and sprinkles the pieces over his wastebasket. Spicoli watches in disbelief. His hands are frozen in the process of removing his backpack. SPICOLI (CONT'D) You just ripped my card in two! MR. HAND Yes. SPICOLI Hey, bud. What's your problem? Mr. Hand moves to within inches of Spicoli's face. MR. HAND No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is. It takes a moment for the words to work their way out of Jeff Spicoli's mouth. SPICOLI You... dick. In the tense moment that follows, no one in the class is sure what might happen. Mr. Hand simply turns away from Jeff Spicoli as if he ceased to exist and coolly continues his lecture. MR. HAND I've taken the time to print up a complete schedule of class quizzes, and the chapters they cover. Please pass them back to the desks behind you... Hand begins passing out stacks of purple mimeographed sheets. ANGLE ON STUDENTS all smelling the purple mimeographed sheets. Still standing in the doorway, hyperventilating with fifteen-year-old adrenalin, is Jeff Spicoli. After a time, he fishes a few bits of his ad card out of the wastebasket and huffs out of the room. EXT. RIDGEMONT LUNCH COURT - AFTERNOON It's packed. The school's outdoor dining area is actually just a small courtyard lined with fast food machines and dominated by a large oak tree in the center. Standing at the center of lunch court, under the large oak tree, is Brad Hamilton and his golf-cap Buddies. BRAD You hear about the surfer in Mr. Hand's class? His Buddies shake their heads. BRAD (CONT'D) Told Hand to fuck off. BRAD'S BUDDIES Whoa!_ Brad sees another friend pass through lunch court. BRAD Thompson! Brad waits for him to pass. BRAD (CONT'D) I hear Thompson got canned at Bob's this summer. BUDDY #1 Yeah. They hacked his hours, so he quit. BRAD Where is he now? BUDDY #1 Making two eighty at Seven-Eleven. BRAD Man. (pause) They make you wear a fuckin' candy stripe suit over there. BUDDY #2 Poor guy. BRAD Poor guy. EXT. LUNCH COURT - ANGLE ON THE 200 BUILDING BATHROOM near the outer rim of lunch court. Jeff Spicoli comes stumbling out into the daylight, surrounded by a small group of Ridgemont Stoners. Marijuana smoke billows out behind them. STONER BUDDY #1 It was so bitchin', mon. Everybody is talking about it. STONER BUDDY #2 Totally. SPICOLI The motherfucker pissed me off. STONER BUDDY #2 Totally. You don't have to take that shit. SPICOLI I didn't take that shit. They all laugh, flip hair out of their eyes. STONER BUDDY #1 Tell us again. What happened after he ripped up your ad card? SPICOLI I called him a dick. And then I reached for his class notes, and I ripped 'em up. I said, 'Hey bud. Two can play this game.' The Stoners go wild. SPICOLI (CONT'D) I'll tell you this. If he hassles me again, I can't be responsible for what happens... you know why? STONER BUDDY #1 Because he's a fuckin' dick! SPICOLI You got it. (pause) Gimme a dollar. One surfer digs out a dollar for Spicoli. They look out at lunch court, see it teeming with straight kids. They turn and walk towards the parking lot. EXT. LUNCH COURT - ANGLE ON STACY AND LINDA as they walk onto lunch court. They take a seat on the outskirts of the area and watch all the students crowding onto the eating area. LINDA I hear some surfer pulled a knife on Mr. Hand this morning. STACY No way! He just called him a dick. LINDA God. People exaggerate so much at this school. The school couple, Cindy and Gregg walk by. CINDY Hi, Linda. God, you look so great. LINDA Hi, you guys. This is Stacy. Stacy, this is Gregg Adams and Cindy Carr. GREGG AND CINDY Hi, Stacy. Stacy smiles. Gregg and Cindy move on, repeating the same scene a few feet away. LINDA If there's one thing that never changes... it's a cheerleader. Stacy turns to see a girl with short, black hair passing by, wearing tight black spandex pants, and dark lipstick. STACY Linda. That girl looks just like Pat Benatar. LINDA I know. They watch her pass. LINDA (CONT'D) Actually, there are three girls at Ridgemont who have cultivated the Pat Benatar look. Linda gestures out on lunch court. ANGLE ON ANOTHER PAT BENATAR LOOK-ALIKE wearing pink spandex pants and short-cropped black hair with dark lipstick. ANGLE ON STILL ANOTHER PAT BENATAR LOOK-ALIKE wearing blue spandex pants and short black hair. She stands a good distance away from the other two. LINDA (CONT'D) None of them talk to each other. Linda looks at them with bemusement but Stacy is wondering. STACY Do you think guys find that attractive? LINDA Oh, give me a break, Stacy. You're much prettier than them. They sit and eat their lunches. Linda has her perennial diet lunch of yogurt and raw vegetables. STACY Yeah but they look more sophisticated. You'd probably think they'd be better in bed. LINDA What do you mean 'better in bed.' You either do it or you don't. STACY No there are variables that, like, I might not be good at. LINDA What variables? STACY (shyly) Like, you know, giving blow jobs. LINDA What's the big deal? STACY Well I never did it. LINDA There's nothing to it. She takes out a carrot stick and eases it down her throat. Stacv tries one but chokes. LINDA (CONT'D) You just have to practice a little first. (feels her throat) Relax these muscles. Think of your throat as an open tunnel. The girls try sliding the carrot sticks down their throats without gagging. ANGLE ON A BOY at the next table; sees them and points them out to his companions. STACY What happens... don't laugh at me, but when a guy has an orgasm... you know, like, how much comes out. Stacy stops practicing and looks horrified. Linda laughs. LINDA Just kidding. About 10cc. STACY (enlightened) Oh! That's where that group got its name from. They continue practicing as the boys look on. Stacy manages to get almost a whole carrot down her throat to Linda's amazement. The group of boys break out in applause. Stacy looks very embarrassed. INT. BIOLOGY LAB - DAY The class is situated so that all students sit at Bunson burner tables lining the room. Pat is seated at one of the tables and Stacy takes a seat nearby; she looks at the ledge in front of her. It contains a pig embryo. She listens to the conversation next to her. GIRL STUDENT I'll tell you right now. I'm not going. I'll get sick or something. I'm not going into a room with a bunch of dead guys. ARNOLD You'll go. It's part of the final. GIRL STUDENT (a Pat Benatar) Have you heard what they do? I'm serious. Have you heard? BOY STUDENT What? ARNOLD The bodies are dissected, Mike, and Mr. Vargas pulls out parts of the dead body and holds them up. Okay? BOY STUDENT You mean he reaches in and pulls this stuff out? GIRL STUDENT Yes. BOY STUDENT Like a heart? GIRL STUDENT Hearts, lungs, guts... Stacy strains to hear more, just as Mr. Vargas -- a diminutive man holding a coffee mug -- enters the class. MR. VARGAS Good day, everyone! I just switched to Sanka. I'm running a little slow today, so have a heart. ANGLE ON THE RAT He is riveted on Stacy Hamilton, swooning. DISSOLVE TO: INT. STACY'S ROOM - NIGHT We see Stacy's room, a young girl's room with posters and frilly pillows. Stacy is in bed, and her Mother is just leaving the room. MOTHER Sleep tight, Stacy. STACY Good night, Mom. Her Mother shuts off the light, exits. Stacy pulls back the covers. She is fully dressed. EXT. STACY'S WINDOW - NIGHT We see the window to Stacy's room slide slowly open, and watch her slip outside. She hikes down a drainage pipe to the street. EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT A brown MG pulls up. Stacy jumps from the shadows and hops in. The car drives away. INT. RON'S CAR - NIGHT Ron sits behind the wheel, humming casually along to the music on his car stereo. Ron has on a light-brown leather jacket. He looks like a contestant for "The Dating Game." STACY (a little nervous) Thanks for picking me up. RON No problem. He speeds off, turning up the radio to sing along. RON (CONT'D) 'The Cuer-vo Gold, the fi-ine Columbian.' (eyes Stacy) You look nice tonight. STACY Thanks. So do you. RON Where do you feel like going? STACY I don't know. Wherever you want. RON How about the point? STACY (nervously) The point sounds fine. RON (looks at her knowingly) All right, the point it is. We see Stacy's anxious face, as the car speeds up Ridgemont Drive, with music. EXT. THE POINT - NIGHT Stacy and Ron sit in the car, listening to music. The "point" is a natural lookout spot that lovers can "discover." It is behind the baseball field and dugout of Ridgemont High School. Stacy and Ron get out of the car and walk to the baseball dugout. INT. DUGOUT - NIGHT They sit side-by-side. Above them, a single light bulb shines a very private fifty watts on things. STACY That's a nice shirt. RON Thanks. Thanks a lot. Silence. They look at each other, look away. RON (CONT'D) It's very warm out tonight. STACY It is. It's very warm. I wonder how long it will last? Ron leans over and kisses Stacy lightly on the cheek. Stacy sits quietly for a moment, thinking, was that the first move? Then she lunges at Ron and kisses him square on the mouth. At first surprised, Ron then holds her there and kisses her in return. After a time, he breaks away. RON Are you really nineteen? STACY Yes... I am really nineteen. They continue making out. RON I think I better take you home. STACY What about those other guys you live with? RON No. I mean back to your home. But they make no moves in any direction. They continue making out. Ron begins unbuttoning her blouse and massaging Stacy's breasts. A moment later, he tugs at her pants. Awkwardly, she starts to help him. He tilts her backward onto the concrete dugout bench. They kiss feverishly, her hand pulling off her shoes, then her pants. Ron goes to work. RON (CONT'D) (whispers) Is this your first time? STACY Yes. STACY'S POINT OF VIEW as she feels a man enter her for the first time, we see the graffiti above her: Surf Nazis Lincoln was here -- Sieg Heil Led Zeppelin Dan y Roberto (Disco Fags) DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SCHOOL LOCKERS - DAY Stacy is standing by her locker, twirling the combination. She is joined by Linda Barrett. LINDA Was it great? STACY It was okay. I LINDA You'll always remember your first time. STACY It was nice. LINDA So tell me, do you like Ron? Is it serious? STACY Come on, Linda. It's just sex. LINDA Hey! That's my line! They both laugh and walk down the hall. EXT. HAMILTON HOME - LATE AFTERNOON Stacy arrives home. The Hamilton home has that anonymous prepackaged tract look, like many others in this lower-middle class neighborhood. Brad washes his car in the driveway and listens to the car radio. BRAD Mom says to clean up the pool. STACY Why can't you do it? BRAD Your friends use the pool. Your friends messed it up. STACY Your friends use the pool too. BRAD I take out the garbage. STACY Don't strain yourself. Stacy bristles, and heads inside the front door. INT. HAMILTON LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON The furniture in the Hamilton living room looks like it was gleaned for a sale at Pic 'N Save. Through the living room, one can see a very small, kidney-shaped pool. Stacy checks an erasable telephone message sheet near the refrigerator. There are two names on it: BRAD/STACY. Brad's side is filled with messages. Stacy's is empty. She notices a summer bouquet floral arrangement. Stacy reads the attached note. It reads: "Memories of You, Ron Johnson." She quickly gathers it up and carries it back outside. She fans the door several times to dispel the odor. EXT. HAMILTON DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON STACY Brad! Have Mom or Dad seen this? BRAD They're not home yet. STACY Brad, what would you say if I asked you to just put these flowers in the trunk of the Cruising Vessel and get rid of them at work? BRAD I'd say... who the hell is Ron Johnson? STACY I'll explain everything later. Brad nods, as Stacy pushes the flowers into his arms. INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - AFTERNOON Damone expertly fills two glasses three-quarters full of Kahlua, then adds a few drops of milk. Music is playing on a nearby speaker. Damone hands The Rat a drink and checks himself out in his mirror. DAMONE See that moustache coming in, Rat? There is only a hint of peach fuzz, but he grooms it anyway. DAMONE (CONT'D) See? You can almost press it out. Damone turns around. His friend is preoccupied. THE RAT I am in love. Damone takes a sip of his drink, looks at The Rat. DAMONE You... are a wuss. Part wimp. Part pussy. THE RAT What do you mean -- wuss? This girl is my exact type. It's her. Definitely her. DAMONE (distracted) It's definitely your mama. THE RAT Damone, you gotta listen to me. Damone quits puttering around his room with the Kahlua and milk. He grabs a chair and straddles it. DAMONE All right... where did you see her? THE RAT She's in my biology class. DAMONE Did you get her number? THE RAT No. DAMONE Did you get her name? THE RAT No. It's too soon. DAMONE It's never too soon! Girls decide how far to let you go in the first five minutes. THE RAT Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to this strange girl in my biology class and say, 'Hello! I'd like you to take your clothes off and jump on me?' DAMONE (thoughtfully) I would. Yeah. THE RAT Really? DAMONE I can see it all now. This is going to be just like the girl you fell in love with at Fotomat this summer. You bought forty bucks of fuckin' film and you never even talked to her. THE RAT (woeful) You tell me, Mike. What do I do? DAMONE Okay. Okay. (sighs, but loves it) Here's what you do. Damone gets up, moves to the door. DAMONE (CONT'D) You start from the second you walk into biology. Don't just walk... move across the room. He saunters over to the chair. DAMONE (CONT'D) Don't talk to her. Let her know. Use your face. Use your body. Use everything. This is what I do. I just sent out the vibe and I have personally found that... girls do respond. Something happens. THE RAT Of course something happens. You put the vibe out to thirty million chicks, you know something's gonna happen. DAMONE That's the idea, Rat. That's The Attitude. THE RAT The Attitude? The Attitude dictates that you don't care if she comes, stays, lays or prays. Whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. When you are the cruelest and the coolest... then you have The Attitude. Damone knocks down the rest of his drink, and we... DISSOLVE TO: INT. CARL'S JR. KITCHEN - NIGHT We see Brad operating at full throttle in the kitchen, and taking a moment to sneak a kiss with his girlfriend Lisa as she goes to the front counter to open up a cash register. She allows him only one kiss. LISA Were those flowers really for me, Brad? BRAD Of course. LISA How much did they cost? BRAD Don't worry about it. She gives him a kiss... on the cheek. BRAD (CONT'D) Let's go to the Point tonight. She pulls away. LISA What's there to do at the Point? Brad shifts his weight, tries to find the right words. BRAD What's there to do at the Point? God, Lisa, we've been going together almost two years, and... LISA Brad. I don't want to have to use sex as a tool. BRAD Tool? Tool for what? We've been going together almost two years! LISA I don't want to talk about it here, Brad. Brad prepares to respond. He squints his eyes, prepares for a truly sizzling comeback, when Dennis Taylor, short and prematurely balding assistant manager of Carl's Jr., comes bustling out of his back office. He quickly surveys the situation in the kitchen. TAYLOR Hamilton! You have fifteen double cheese to box! Lisa returns to her cashier post, leaving Brad's last words stalled in his mouth. EXT. HAMILTON HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT We see the Hamilton's cul-de-sac home. All the lights are off in the house at this hour. Except for Brad's room. INT. BRAD'S ROOM Brad is alone in his room. He's prone on his neatly made bed, reading a paperback book entitled Power With Class. On the wall of Brad's room is a large framed photo of a Carl's Jr. hamburger. Brad hears a muffled knock at his door. BRAD Come on in. Stacy walks into Brad's room. STACY Thanks for getting rid of those flowers. BRAD Don't worry about it. Who sent the flowers? STACY It's just some guy I met at Swenson's. You don't know him. BRAD I don't care it you tell me or not. I got problems of my own. He begins pacing. STACY Is everything okay at work? BRAD Are you kidding? Work is great. I kill at work. I don't even mind Mom and Dad making me pay rent. STACY You're going to break up with Lisa, aren't you? BRAD I've been doing some thinking. It's my last school year. I'm a single, successful guy. I think I want my freedom. STACY Why? Because she won't sleep with you? BRAD Where did you hear that? STACY I'm just guessing. BRAD Well... it's true. STACY Maybe you just need to give her some time. She's so nice, Brad. Everybody loves Lisa. BRAD Everybody loves Lisa. Everybody loves Lisa. But everybody doesn't have to be her boyfriend. Suddenly, Stacy pops the question. STACY Hey, Brad. Are you still a virgin? BRAD Why? STACY I don't know. I was just curious. BRAD Maybe yes. Maybe no. STACY You are a virgin! BRAD I didn't say that. STACY But your face did! They laugh. Then Brad turns serious. BRAD Are you still a virgin? STACY Maybe yes. Maybe no. BRAD Don't give me that shit! I know you're still a virgin! Stacy smiles and stands up. She playfully slaps her brother on the arm and walks down the hallway to her room. We can see there is less frill and lace in Stacy's room. The junior high paperbacks are gone. There are no dolls in sight. EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - NIGHT Linda and Stacy walk past rows of cars. Stacy stops at a brown MG. STACY There... There's his car. I know he's at work tonight. He hasn't come into Swenson's since he called my house. My mother told him I was still at high school, after I told him I was nineteen. I guess I should tell him I'm fifteen. LINDA Don't you dare, you'll never hear from him again. STACY Does Doug care that you're seventeen? LINDA Doug sees beyond that stuff to what the person inside is like. That's why I'm marrying him. STACY If he ever calls again I'll say I'm eighteen. LINDA Boy I am so glad to be through with all these games. They enter the mall. INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - MORNING We are now several weeks into the school year. Mr. Hand is dropping test papers on desks like they are pieces of manure. MR. HAND C... D... F... F... F... three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people? On dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our daily liv.... Mr. Hand stops on a dime. He is like a champion hunting dog that has just picked up the scent. He scans the room. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Where is Jeff Spicoli? There is silence in the U.S. history classroom. MR. HAND (CONT'D) I saw him earlier today near the 200 Building bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Silence. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Anyone? One student sitting next to Stacy raises his hand. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Yes, Desmond? DESMOND I saw him by the food machines. MR. HAND How long ago? DESMOND Just before class, sir... Mr. Hand snaps his fingers, Hawaii Five-O style. MR. HAND Okay. Bring him in. Desmond hustles out the door. MR. HAND (CONT'D) What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? Mr. Hand begins to pace the aisles as he speaks. Occasionally, for emphasis, he bends down to lecture directly into the students' faces. MR. HAND (CONT'D) There are other teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. (points to attendance clip on the doorway) It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you, you pretend you don't ditch. Who pays the price later? You. Desmond returns to the room with a red-eyed Jeff Spicoli. SPICOLI Hey! Wait a minute! There's no birthday party for me here! MR. HAND Thank you, Desmond. (to Spicoli) What's the reason for your truancy? SPICOLI I couldn't make it in time. MR. HAND (in top form) You mean, you couldn't? Or you wouldn't? SPICOLI I don't know, mon. The food lines took forever. MR. HAND Food will be eaten on your time! (pause) Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this? SPICOLI I don't know. Mr. Hand appears mesmerized. He then turns and heads for the board. He writes in long, large letters as he slams the chalk into the green board. He writes: "I DON'T KNOW". MR. HAND I like that. He stands back and admires it. He turns randomly to Stacy. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Don't you like that, Miss Hamilton? STACY Yes, sir. MR. HAND I really like that too. 'I don't know'... that's nice. 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' 'Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know'. I like that. I think I'm going to leave your words on this board for all my classes to enjoy. Giving you full credit, of course, Mr. Spicoli. We hear the blare of the dismissal bell. Stacy and the other students get up to leave. Spicoli stays in place. He has just figured out a truly bitchin' comeback... and his mouth is forming the first word, when Mr. Hand cuts him off. MR. HAND (CONT'D) You can go now. Hand turns back to his desk. The rest of the students have already left. Spicoli's audience is gone. He shrugs and lopes out the door. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL - AFTERNOON It's Christmas time at the Ridgemont Mall. All three tiers are strung with neon lights, and we hear the sound of the bell-ringing Santas. INT. SWENSON'S - AFTERNOON Stacy and Linda are enjoying a brief lull in the Christmas season madness. They sit at the sundae bar. Stacy looks forlorn, almost red-eyed, as she makes a sundae. LINDA You've got to get used to working Christmas. People are always screaming and yelling... then they get home and they're all Christmasy. STACY I think Christmas brings out the worst in people. LINDA I guess Ron hasn't called yet. STACY Not since November. Linda nods her head, always the coach. LINDA Stacy, it doesn't look good for the relationship. Stacy continues making her ice cream, slapping the scoops onto the stainless steel dish. STACY (sighs) Don't you think it meant anything to him. Even if I am fifteen? LINDA Stacy. What does it matter? He's a stereo salesman. You want to marry him? You want to have kids with him? You want this guy to come home, fifty years old, and he's still got that little Pacific Stereo badge on? Come on. ANGLE ON GREGG AND CINDY who are seated at a back table, feeding each other. Stacy looks at her finished sundae. STACY I should quit this job. I'm going to get so fat working here... nobody will ever take me out. LINDA Stacy. How many times do I have to tell you? You are really going to be beautiful... someday. STACY Thanks a lot. Linda punches Stacy lightly on the shoulder. LINDA Hey -- Ron Johnson? It's his loss. We follow Stacy, as she walks into the dining room to serve the sundae. INT. WHEREHOUSE RECORDS - MALL - DAY We see a group of buzz-cut young toughs, walking in formation, hunched over, sneering and wearing sleeveless U.S. Army fatigue jackets. None of these damaged-looking kids is over the age of fourteen. They pass to reveal this legend on their backs: LINCOLN SURF NAZIS. Angle on Mike Damone and Mark Ratner, who are standing by the upcoming concert list posted on the door to Wherehouse Records. Damone sees the Surf Nazis pass, turns to Mark Ratner, who is still wearing his Cinema Four jacket. DAMONE The business is changing, Rat. I'll tell you, these kids today... they don't even listen to Aerosmith. THE RAT I hear they all dress like that at Lincoln now. DAMONE There used to be three or four of those guys. Now we see 'em every time we come to the mall. Damone is approached by a couple of young ticket Customers. CUSTOMER #1 Got any Blue Oyster Cult tickets? DAMONE No Cult. I ate twenty-four pairs of Blue Oyster Cult tickets last time around. I was this close to working at 7-11. No Cult. Suddenly we see all ticket business stop. Damone and his customers see someone menacingly coming directly for them. The small crowd parts as Charles Jefferson, football duffel bag in hand, walks up. With him is a thick, tough, miniature version of himself. This is Little Charles. They both stop in front of Damone. JEFFERSON (after long look) When is Earth, Wind and Fire coming? DAMONE (respectfully) I'm really not sure. I haven't heard anything yet, but I'll let you know the second there is the slightest news, sir. JEFFERSON I'm taking my little brother. DAMONE Excellent. So that will be two tickets... All right. Fine, sir. Jefferson and L.C. push past the customers. CUSTOMER #2 Wow. He really lives here. I thought he just flew in for the football games. DAMONE (gaining composure) Shit, he's my man. He knows where to come for tickets. Damone turns to The Rat. DAMONE (CONT'D) Well, Rat. Are you ready for the moment of truth? The Rat adjusts his jacket, and nods. THE RAT She is immune to my charms. They walk together towards Swenson's, as The Rat drapes his aqua-blue Cinema Four jacket around his shoulders, like a French film director. Damone walks a few steps, then stops Rat. DAMONE Hey, Rat. THE RAT Yeah? DAMONE Ace the jacket. The Rat considers the suggestion, gets rid of the jacket. They continue towards Swenson's. EXT. SWENSON'S - DAY The Rat pulls open the door to Swenson's. He walks toward the counter to Stacy Hamilton. STACY Hi. May I help you? The Rat feels the beginnings of cold panic, but barges through nonetheless. THE RAT Yes. I have two questions. I was curious... His voice becomes a shade deeper. He begins to pull The Attitude together. THE RAT (CONT'D) What do you do with the jackets people leave here? STACY (smiling) We keep them. THE RAT You keep them. STACY We keep them, in case the people come back. She reaches under the counter and pulls out a cardboard box with some rumbled jackets and other items. STACY (CONT'D) Here they are. You can look through it, if you want. The Rat chuckles to himself, struggling with The Attitude. THE RAT It's cool. It would take too much time to go through all that stuff. I'll just pick up a new one. Stacy smiles. He's obviously awkward, and she likes it. STACY What's your other question? THE RAT My other question is... can-I-have your-phone-number-so-I-can-ask-you out-sometime? To The Rat's surprise, Stacy continues smiling. STACY Do you have a pen? This one's out of ink. THE RAT Oh... yes. He pulls one out of his jacket pocket, gives it to her. Stacy writes her name and phone number on a scrap of paper and gives it to him. The Rat looks at the paper. THE RAT (CONT'D) Stacy. Nice to meet you, Stacy. My name is Mark Ratner. He sticks out his hand, and they shake. We see The Rat turn around and walk out of Swenson's. EXT. SWENSON'S - AFTERNOON The Rat exits with ultimate cool. He sees Damone waiting just off to the side, talking to some girls. The Rat nods, gives him the thumbs-up. Damone returns the gesture. All-Attitude. EXT. CARL'S JR. - MORNING Carl's is happening tonight. There are lots of kids inside. We hear charging rock music -- "Girls Got Rhythm" by AC/DC -- coming from a radio in the back kitchen. INT. CARL'S JR. BATHROOM - MORNING Inside the bathroom, Brad Hamilton applies the Carl's scrub brush to a felt tip graffiti message near the mirror: I EAT BIG HAIRY PUSSY. He pauses and catches himself in the mirror. He adjusts his hair. BRAD (talking to mirror) Lisa? I have something to tell you. Look, I'm a senior now. I'm a single, successful guy and I've got to be fair to myself. Lisa... I think I need my freedom. Brad pauses, looks at the mirror soulfully. BRAD (CONT'D) Aw, don't do that... don't take it personally, okay? Please? I knew you'd understand, because... The bathroom door opens -- it's Arnold, the boy who Brad got a job. ARNOLD Brad! I know you're on your break, but would you cover me on register three? Brad nods, exits: INT. CARL'S JR. COUNTER Brad stands at the register. We see a prominent display over Brad's head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST. The last of many harried businessmen customers gets his breakfast order and takes his seat. Brad is joined by Dennis Taylor, the Assistant Manager. DENNIS Come on. Clean that counter off Brad. Let's go. Play ball. BRAD Okay, Dennis. Brad begins polishing the counter and Dennis Taylor returns to his office at the back of the kitchen. Brad watches him disappear behind the door that says: ASSISTANT MANAGER. As soon as Dennis disappears behind the door, the one Businessman in the place rises and returns to the counter. BRAD (CONT'D) (nervously) May I help you? The Businessman has short, curly brown hair. He speaks in a whine. BUSINESSMAN Yes. This is not the best breakfast I ever ate. The Businessman points to the huge display over Brad's head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST. BUSINESSMAN (CONT'D) And I want my money back. Brad begins searching under the counter. BRAD Well, I believe you have to fill out a form. There's a pad right around here. BUSINESSMAN No. I want my money back right now. BRAD Well, that's not the way it works, really. And you ate most of your food already, too... BUSINESSMAN See that sign? It says 100% Money Back Guarantee. Do you know the meaning of the word 'guarantee'? Do they teach you that here? Give me my money back. Brad begins looking to the restroom. "Where's Arnold?" BRAD I can't do that. But if you wait a minute... BUSINESSMAN (as if talking to a kindergartner) Look. Just put your little hand back in the cash register and give me my $2.75 back. Okay? (looks at name tag) Please, Brad? BRAD I'm sorry, sir. Just let me find the forms here. BUSINESSMAN I am so tired. I am so tired of dealing with morons. How hard is it to... Brad looks up from under the counter. No amount of pay will make him take that kind of insult. BRAD Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass. BUSINESSMAN Manager!! "Bam!" The door to the Assistant Manager's office swings open, and Dennis comes hurtling out of the back. DENNIS Can I help you, sir? Is there a problem? BUSINESSMAN You bet there's a problem! Your employee used profanity and threatened me with violence! I'm shocked, frankly. I've eaten here many times and I've always enjoyed the service -- until today! Angle on bathroom door as it opens and Arnold starts towards the register. He quickly sees the incident with the irate Businessman and ducks back inside the bathroom. BUSINESSMAN (CONT'D) All I wanted was my money back for this breakfast. It was a little undercooked. And this young man threatened me. Now I plan to write a letter! I plan to... Dennis wheels around to Brad. DENNIS Did you threaten this man or use profanity in any way? BRAD He insulted me first. He called me a moron. DENNIS Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way? BRAD Yes, sir. DENNIS You're fired. Brad looks around, expecting his friends to defend him. Dave and Rich seem very occupied with their work. Brad is stunned. DENNIS (CONT'D) (to Businessman) I'm very sorry this happened to you, sir. BUSINESSMAN Thank you very much. Then Brad unhooks his fryer's apron and throws it on the counter. He grabs a backpack and walks out of the place. On the way, he bangs the bathroom door with his fist. BRAD I hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BRAD'S ROOM - DAY He arrives back in his room and locks the door. He yanks the burger picture off his wall, dumps it into the trash. Then he takes it back out of the trash and cracks the cardboard picture and plastic frame in half. DARKNESS We are in the middle of a deep, dark void. After a moment, a pinprick of light appears in the distance. We head towards the light. We are being led somewhere important. As we draw still closer, curtains suddenly part to reveal a wildly cheering studio audience. We hear the voice of Merv Griffin. MERV GRIFFIN (O.S.) Will you please give a warm welcome to... Jeff Spicoli! The Merv Griffin Show band begins playing a Merv Griffin Show version of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell". Someone hands Jeff Spicoli a microphone. He works the studio audience into a frenzy as he sings the words to "Highway to Hell": Merv Griffin show style. SPICOLI (singing) 'Layin' ladies! Drinkin' wine! You gotta dollar -- You're a friend of mine! Gettin' loose! Feelin' fine! You and me -- It's get down time! We're on the Highway to Hell! The Highway to Hell!' Spicoli finishes up with a spectular pump. The audience goes wild as Merv Griffin greets him warmly, and guides Spicoli to his seat. Spicoli motions for the cheers to die down. Griffin is obviously happy to see him. He touches Spicoli's arm lightly. GRIFFIN How've you been? SPICOLI Outrageous, Merv. Nice to be here. I feel great. GRIFFIN I was going to say... your eyes look a little red. SPICOLI I've been swimming, Merv. The audience howls. It's a famous Spicoli line. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Seriously, Merv, everything is great. I was thinking about picking up some hash this weekend, maybe going up to the mountains. GRIFFIN (concerned) I wanted to talk a little bit about school, if I could... SPICOLI School. (sighs) School is no problem. All you have to do is go to get the grades. And if you know something, all you have to do is go about half the time. GRIFFIN How often do you go? SPICOLI I don't go at all. The audience is howling again. He is Merv's favorite guest. GRIFFIN I hear you brought a film clip with you. Do you want to set it up for us? SPICOLI Well, it pretty much speaks for itself. Peter, you want to run with it? EXT. A MASSIVE WAVE - DAY The film clip begins. It is a mammoth wave cresting against the blue sky. SPICOLI (V.O.) Merv, this is the action down at Sunset Cliffs at about six in the morning. GRIFFIN (V.O.) Fascinating. A tiny figure appears at the foot of the wave. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) Who's that? SPICOLI That's me, Merv. The audience gasps. GRIFFIN (V.O.) Are you going to ride that wave? SPICOLI Totally. We watch as Spicoli catches the perfect wave, and it hurtles him through a turquoise tube of water. GRIFFIN What's going through your mind right here, Jeff? The danger of it all? SPICOLI Merv, I'm thinking... I've only got about four good hours of surfing left before these little clowns from junior high start showing up with their boogie boards. The audience is howling once again... when suddenly we hear the loud noise of a door opening, followed by a shrill voice. It is Spicoli's eight-year-old brother, Curtis. Jeff Spicoli's dream of glory evaporates. INT. SPICOLI'S TRAILER HOME - MORNING It is a messy trailer, part of a trailer park by the sea. Spicoli's area is small, but he has made it his own. The walls are covered with posters, almost all of them naked centerfolds. It is obvious Spicoli's parents are not welcome in his room. CURTIS Dad says you have to get up! SPICOLI Ugh. He groans, starts to struggle out of bed. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Leave me alone! CURTIS Dad says you're late again, you butthole! SPICOLI Leave me alone. CURTIS Dad says! Spicoli reaches over to the floor next to his bed. He pulls a snorkel from the mess, heaves it at the door and his little brother. It bounces off the wall and doesn't even hit Curtis, but the kid starts crying anyway. CURTIS (CONT'D) Daaaaaaaad! Jeff threw a snorkel at me!!!!!! Spicoli gets out of bed, groans again, and kicks the door shut. EXT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM celebrating the big game with rival Lincoln High School. We see Jeff Spicoli stumble from the direction of the parking lot. He heads into the gym, which is already full for a mandatory assembly. INT. GYMNASIUM - DOORWAY - DAY Spicoli wanders into the assembly, takes a seat on a corner bleacher. He sits just below Brad Hamilton and Lisa. On podium in front of assembly, Cindy Carr and another cheerleader, Dina Phillips, are making a presentation before the school. CINDY I just want to say that we are not 'Spirit Bunnies' anymore. We always hated that name. It bugged the heck out of Dina and me... DINA It's just such a put down. CINDY They don't call the Chess Club 'Checker Champs' or anything like that. We're going to go to everything this year, you guys. We're going to go to soccer, wrestling, basketball... everything. We know you've got a lot of spirit! Everybody -- riiiiiight? And we're gonna destroy Lincoln next week? Riiiiiiight? ANGLE ON THE STUDENTS OF RIDGEMONT They don't respond. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI who is asleep in the bleachers. ANGLE ON BRAD AND LISA sitting nearby. We hear them over the drone of the assembly. BRAD Man, I don't even want to see those guys from Carl's again. LISA If you'd apologize I think Dennis would take you back. BRAD Apologize to that wimp? No way. Fuck Dennis Taylor. They sit in silence for a moment. BRAD (CONT'D) I'm just glad we're still together, Lisa, because I need you this year. LISA (sighs) Look, Brad, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you this. We're almost out of high school, this is our last year. I think we owe it to ourselves to be free, and meet some new people. Then, if we get back together, we'll know it's the right thing. TIGHT ANGLE ON BRAD'S FACE as he accepts the news. LISA (O.S.) (CONT'D) But I still want to be friends. TIGHT ANGLE ON BRAD'S FACE as it falls slack. INT. GYM - PODIUM IN FRONT OF ASSEMBLY CINDY We're going to be going to every game this year. We just want the crowd to participate and we want spirit from every little person in this entire school. Allll-Riiiight? There is unenthusiastic, minor applause from the assembled students of Ridgemont High. Vice Principal Ray Connors, a tough-looking man with an H.R. Haldeman crew cut, approaches the podium. He has a sour look on his face. CONNORS Well, thank you, girls. People, don't forget, the big game is one week away. We'll see everybody back here on Monday and have a good weekend. For the first time during this assembly, there is a loud and hearty applause. A GRAINY HIGH SCHOOL FILM 57 We are suddenly watching a movie shown on a class projection screen. We see footage of a serene, middle-class neighborhood -- as seen through the glass windshield of a car. Judging from the other vehicles parked on the street, the film is from the early Sixties. We hear the narrative voice of Desi Arnaz, speaking in his inimitable Latin accent. ARNAZ Driving ess an important part of each and every one of our da-ily lives. Ees a responsibility like no o-ther and ess a matter of life and... A ball comes rolling out into the serene street. A small child runs out after it. The driving of our vehicle brakes, but not in time. The film freeze frames on the terrified face of a child about to be splattered. ARNAZ (CONT'D) Death. There is a swell of dramatic music. ARNAZ (CONT'D) They have foun'... The Braking Point. The words flash on the screen and we hear a high school Driver's Training class groan in mock horror. INT. DRIVER TRAINING CLASS - DAY ANGLE ON CHARLES JEFFERSON AND BRAD HAMILTON who are seated in this class. ANGLE ON LINDA AND STACY sitting together in the class. They are oblivious, lost in conversation. STACY What do you think of that guy who works at the theatre? You know, Mark Ratner. LINDA Oh, come on. What is he? Fifteen? STACY Sixteen. Linda looks nauseous. LINDA Just watch out if he pulls up in a van, and then puts on a Led Zeppelin tape. INT. DRIVER TRAINING CLASS The film returns to another serene street scene as seen through another front windshield. ARNAZ The driver here has had jus' two drinks. Two drinks at the home of a frien'. We hear the very-present sounds of Driver's Training students. STUDENT #1 He's fucked-up, Ricky! STUDENT #2 They guys a drunk, Ricky! ARNAZ And although this driver thinks he ees drivin' well, he may be 'doing okay, but he forgets to per-ceive what ees real goin' on... In the film, another car comes barreling from the left, running a stop sign and exploding into the side of the two-drink goner. In the class, the Driver's Training students are howling. EXT. RIDGEMONT MALL - EARLY EVENING The parking lot is full. Kids and shoppers stream through the entrance in groups of all sizes. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL All three levels are teeming with kids. ANGLE ON THE VIDEO PINBALL ARCADE where we see Jeff Spicoli manning the Missile Command machine. Spicoli wears a red bandana across his forehead. A cigarette dangles from his mouth. He is surrounded by a fleet of young surfers who listen to him with reverence. SPICOLI Be noble. Be aggressive. The thing about Missile Command is to decimate before you can be decimated. Just like in real life. The youngsters hang on every word of the sage advice. ANGLE ON A GANG OF SURF NAZIS walking in formation. ANGLE ON MIKE DAMONE AND MARK RATNER walking the mall. DAMONE Check it out, Rat. The Surf Nazis... out for a Sunday stroll. Damone and The Rat walk on. The Rat is barely interested. He appears deep in thought. THE RAT What do I say after she gets in the car? Damone, obviously in his element here at the mall, stops to flash a winning smile at a well-built older housewife. DAMONE No problem, Rat. What you need is my special Five Point Plan. As he talks, Damone passes a Country Farms shop. He plucks a free sample of cheese and sausage. THE RAT Knock it off, Damone. I need real help. DAMONE What do you mean? Men have died trying to obtain this information. I will give it to you for free. The Rat and Damone continue on. THE RAT Okay. Tell me. What's the Five Point Plan? DAMONE All right. Pay attention. The Rat nods, always the student, as they pass a Wherehouse Record store. Damone stops right in front of a seductively posed life-sized cardboard stand-up of Debbie Harry, the alluring rock singer. Damone begins his speech. DAMONE (CONT'D) First of all, Rat... never let on how much you like a girl. Damone turns to the cardboard cutout of Debbie Harry to demonstrate. DAMONE (CONT'D) (disinterested) Oh. Hi. (turns back to The Rat) ) Two. Always call the shots. He turns to Debbie Harry, who looks on with an inviting cardboard smile. DAMONE (CONT'D) Kiss me. (to The Rat) Three. Act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. (to Debbie Harry; debonair) ) Isn't this great? (to The Rat) Four. When ordering food, find out what she wants and then order for both of you... it's a classy move. (to Debbie Harry; Cary Grant) And the lady will have... (to The Rat) Five. And this is most important. When you get down to making out, whenever possible, put on the first side of Led Zeppelin IV. (to Debbie Harry; seductive) Why don't you put this tape on? It sounds great in the back of my van... why don't we listen from there? ANGLE ON DEBBIE HARRY with the same inviting smile. DAMONE (CONT'D) And that is how you talk to a girl, Rat. Voila. You can't miss. THE RAT I think I've got it. Once I get going, I'll be okay. But... how do I get started? I mean, I hardly know her. DAMONE You wuss. It's no problem. One person says something to the other and that's how it starts... Standing there in the front of the Wherehouse, The Rat nods his head and smiles. He's finally beginning to understand, and we... CUT TO: EXT. THE RAT'S CAR - LATER THAT NIGHT We see The Rat behind the wheel of a green Volvo. Stacy sits beside him. They are driving the streets of Ridgemont. INT. THE RAT'S CAR This is it. The Big Date. "Led Zeppelin IV" is on the car stereo of his sister's van. Finally... STACY Thanks for coming to get me. THE RAT Sure thing. Silence. EXT. THE RAT'S CAR He rounds the corner of Luna Street, off the neon fast-food stand that is Ridgemont Drive. INT. THE RAT'S CAR Yet another silence has fallen. Then, after a time... STACY This is a nice car. THE RAT Yeah. It's my sister's. Silence. STACY Do you have Mrs. George for English? THE RAT Yeah. She is pretty good. STACY Yeah. She is pretty good. EXT. ATLANTIS RESTAURANT - NIGHT They pull into the parking lot of a steak and lobster house called The Atlantis. THE RAT Joey at Cinema Four said this is a pretty good restaurant. STACY I've heard that, too. The Rat finds a parking spot near the back of the lot, grateful that the long silence is over. He walks with Stacy to the front of The Atlantis. INT. THE ATLANTIS - NIGHT The Rat and Stacy are escorted by the host to a nearby table. They are given large wooden menus. THE RAT Do you know what you want? STACY I think I'll have the Seafood Salad Special. THE RAT Excellent. The Rat leans back in the booth. He is starting to feel in control now. Then something hits him. The panic sweeps across his face. Slowly, The Rat reaches back to check his wallet. It's gone. STACY Are you all right? THE RAT (weakly) Oh yeah. Cool. Cool was the name of the game. Stay cool. THE RAT (CONT'D) Do you mind if I excuse myself for a moment? STACY Not at all. Just as The Rat is about to get up, the Waitress approaches the table. WAITRESS Are you ready to order here? THE RAT Well... sure. (settles back down) She will have the Seafood Salad Special. And I will have... the same. WAITRESS Anything to drink? THE RAT Two Cokes. WAITRESS Okay. Thanks. The Rat gets back up again, looking paler by the minute. He excuses himself and walks over to the pay phone by the Atlantis toilets. The Rat dials a number. Damone answers. INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - NIGHT He is sitting in a chair, leaning onto the back two legs, watching television. DAMONE Yo. THE RAT (V.O.) Damone. It's Mark. DAMONE Mark. What happened to your date? THE RAT It's happening right now. I'm here at the Atlantis. Everything's fine except... I left my wallet at home. DAMONE Did you go home and get it? THE RAT No. It's too late. The food is coming and everything. Damone, I've got to ask you this favor, and I'll never ask you for anything again in this lifetime or any other. Will you please borrow your mom's car, go by my house, get my wallet, and meet me back here? There is silence. THE RAT (CONT'D) Damone, are you there? DAMONE (world-weary sigh) I'm really pretty busy... ANGLE ON DAMONE'S TELEVISION as we see the flickering images of Leave It To Beaver. DAMONE (CONT'D) You owe me for this one. INT. ATLANTIS The Rat hangs up, mildly relieved, and returns to the table. DISSOLVE TO: INT. STACY AND THE RAT'S TABLE - AN HOUR LATER The Rat and Stacy have finished the meal, and desert. ANGLE ON THE CHECK as it sits in a little tray before The Rat. The Waitress approaches the table. It is clear she wants to make room for other customers and bigger tips. WAITRESS Are you sure there's nothing else I can bring you? THE RAT I'll have one more Coke... Do you want another Coke, Stacy? STACY (quizzical) ) Sure. I'll... have another Coke. THE RAT Two more Cokes. WAITRESS (sarcastic) Two... more... Cokes. ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR as Mike Damone finally walks in. Damone looks over the diners, then feigns great surprise when he sees The Rat. DAMONE Hey, Mark. Is that you? THE RAT Damone! You come here? DAMONE I come for the seafood. It's great! Hey... you know what, Mark? I found your wallet the other day. You want it back? THE RAT Wow. I've been looking for that thing! Hey, Damone, have you met Stacy Hamilton? Stacy, this is Mike Damone. Stacy smiles politely, with the slightest sparkle in her eye, as the Waitress returns with the two Cokes. DAMONE Well, I've gotta be running. THE RAT Okay. See ya. ANGLE ON STACY looking strangely at the proceedings. DAMONE Nice to meet you, Stacy. STACY Nice to meet you. Damone leaves. The Rat takes a few quick gulps of Coke, and gets up to pay the bill. As he moves out of camera range, we see the strange look on the faces of waitresses and diners. INT. THE RAT'S CAR - LATE EVENING The Rat pulls up to Stacy's house in the cul-de sac. He stares straight ahead, like a zombie. THE RAT I had a really nice time tonight. STACY Me, too. I'm real sorry someone broke in and stole your tape deck. The Rat nods glumly. THE RAT I never thought it would happen at The Atlantis. Jeez. STACY Do you want to come inside? THE RAT Aren't your parents asleep? STACY No, they're away for the weekend. Brad and I are watching the house. THE RAT Okay. Sure. I'll come in. We see a confused but interested look on The Rat's face. INT. THE HAMILTON HOUSE - EVENING They walk in the front door. The Rat stands uncomfortably in the doorway to the living room. THE RAT Where's your brother? STACY I don't know. Probably out. Want something to drink? THE RAT No. That's okay. STACY Well, I'm going to change real quick. I hope you don't mind. THE RAT Naw. I don't mind. Stacy turns her back and pulls up her hair. STACY Will you unzip me? ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE as the wheels inside his mind start to spin. This can't be what it seems. He unzips Stacy, past her bra, down to the small of her back. It's the first time he's ever done anything like that. STACY (CONT'D) Thanks! She walks down the hall to her room, easing out of her dress as she walks. She leaves the door to her room open. STACY (CONT'D) You can come in, if you want! ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE He is completely unsure of himself, as he begins to walk down the hall. His heart pounds into his throat. He turns the corner and steps into Stacy's room. INT. STACY'S ROOM - NIGHT Stacy stands there, looking gorgeous in an almost seethrough white robe. The Rat pretends not to notice. THE RAT So... pretty nice house you've got here. STACY Thanks. So... (puts hands on hips) What do you want to do? ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE as he struggles with the memory of Damone's words. "Always call the shots." THE RAT I don't know. STACY Do you want to see some pictures? I kept a lot of scrapbooks and pictures and stuff from junior high. How stupid, right? THE RAT Sure. Stacy goes to her closet, reaches up to grab the books from the top shelf. The Rat watches her robe slip up her legs. Then she sits down next to him. Her knee grazes his. It is almost too much for The Rat. Go for it. We see The Rat struggle with the action of putting his arm around her. He almost does, but then reacts as she says suddenly... STACY This is me in the eighth grade. Did you have Mr. Deegan? THE RAT (looking pained) Oh, yeah. I had Mr. Deegan. Her knee grazes him again. Does she expect something? THE RAT (CONT'D) Look, Stacy, I want you to know that... The Rat struggles. Try as he might, he can't seem to cross the line. He can't make his move. He is woeful as he completes the sentence. THE RAT (CONT'D) ... I've got to go home. STACY Do you really have to go? THE RAT Well... it's getting kind of late. Suddenly, The Rat is seized with ambition. He reaches one hand around her right shoulder and plants the other hand directly on her left breast. It looks something like a wrestling hold. The Rat looks at Stacy. Stacy looks back at The Rat. The Rat is absolutely frozen. STACY I guess it is getting late, Mark. She shrugs him off, walks him to the door. EXT. THE HAMILTON HOME - NIGHT We see The Rat's forlorn face as he trudges towards his car. He stops. He takes a breath -- it wasn't that late, he really didn't want to leave. The Rat turns and begins walking back up the Hamilton steps. Just as he does so, Stacy's bedroom light clicks off. It was too late. He kicks at his car. THE RAT You blew it, asshole. Behind him, recklessly speeding towards Ridgemont Drive, is Charles Jefferson's blue Mustang. EXT./INT. THE BLUE MUSTANG - NIGHT Jeff Spicoli is behind the wheel. Sitting next to him is Little Charles, "L.C.", Jefferson's younger brother. They're smoking grass and holding Lowenbrau beers in between their legs. The radio is blasting the music of Rick James. L.C. Hey, slow down. This is my brother's car. SPICOLI I thought he was out of town. L.C. He is. SPICOLI Then don't hassle it. They speed off down Ridgemont. L.C. Seen the new Playboy? SPICOLI Naw. Any good? L.C. Suzanne Somers' tits. SPICOLI All right. L.C. I like sex. Spicoli sees something in the rearview mirror. SPICOLI Hold your beer down, L.C., I think it's a cop. Spicoli slows down. The car behind him slows down. SPICOLI (CONT'D) This is a cop. He's definitely cruising me at busting distance. The high beams switch on behind Spicoli. SPICOLI (CONT'D) What the fuck is this guy doing? The car behind Spicoli then advances to the point where it is now almost touching the blue Mustang. SPICOLI (CONT'D) What the fuck is this guy doing? L.C. This ain't no cop. The mystery car bumps them lightly from behind. L.C. (CONT'D) Hey! He's gonna scratch my brother's car! The two boys start yelling. High beams fill the Mustang with bright light and... EXT./INT. MUSTANG AND GRANADA Then mystery car pulls back, then up alongside Spicoli and L.C. on the left. We hear the music on the radio of George Thoroughgood's "Ride On, Josephine". SPICOLI It's a bunch of Jocks in a Granada! L.C. They're fuckin' with us. The drivers of the two cars eye each others. Then the Granada begins inching over, trying to force Spicoli off the road. L.C. (CONT'D) My brother's car! SPICOLI All right. Die, Granada Jocks! Spicoli guns ahead, in a real bullet move, and easily overtakes the Granada. Spicoli is proud of himself. He checks himself out in the rearview and turns to L.C. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Would you roll your window up, L.C.? It's messing my hair. Spicoli pulls way ahead of the Granada, while L.C. rolls his window up. Spicoli looks over to L.C. and smiles wickedly. Now Spicoli wants to show off. He pushes the pedal to the floor. L.C. We just missed the turnoff to the party. SPICOLI You know the thing I love about Mustangs? The steering wheel. Spicoli fingers the bubbles in the wheel. SPICOLI (CONT'D) With a genuine Mustang steering wheel, you can negotiate a hairpin turn with ease, my man. EXT./INT. MUSTANG on the word "ease", Spicoli curls his finger into one of the Mustang steering wheel bubbles and whips it clockwise. The idea is to turn off onto a side street and head back to the party. But instead, at the moment of the hairpin turn, L.C. is attempting to switch the radio station. Spicoli crooks his finger farther into the bubble than he expected. The car swings in a complete circle, a circle that includes a bright yellow fire hydrant. The hydrant rips the side of the car open like a can of tuna. There is a silent moment of terror. SPICOLI Are you okay? There is silence. Outside the smashed car, the Granada Jocks pass Spicoli and L.C. GRANADA JOCKS Fuck youuuuuuuuuu! Then L.C. stirs and utters his first words. L.C. My brother is going to kill us. He's gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill us. SPICOLI Just be glad you're all right. L.C. My brother is gonna shit. SPICOLI Make up your mind. Is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us? L.C. First he's gonna shit. And then he's gonna kill us.. SPICOLI Will you just relax, mon? He's not gonna kill us. My father is a television repairman. He's got all kinds of tools. I can fix-this car. L.C. You can't fix this car, Spicoli. ANGLE ON THE BLUE MUSTANG waffled and mangled. It is just inches away from scrap iron. SPICOLI I can fix it. MONTAGE OF SHOTS as we see Ridgemont High gearing up for its big Homecoming Game against Lincoln. We see a series of shots of kids talking about it, wagering on the chances of a Ridgemont victory. We see the many signs and placards all over school, proclaiming Ridgemont revenge. We see students lining up to vote for Homecoming King and Queen in the gymnasium. It is the most spirit that Ridgemont has shown this year. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT SCHOOL - FLAGPOLE - DAY From the back of the parking lot, we see a crowd around the flagpole. A group of kids are staring at something. They sadly shake their heads at the sight, as if they are witnessing a funeral. As we draw closer, we see the center of commotion. It is an ugly sight. Someone had wrecked Charles Jefferson's Blue Scholarship Mustang and welded it to the flagpole. Spray-painted on the side was the message: LINCOLN SURF PUNKS RULE. EXT. RIDGEMONT BLEACHERS - NIGHT The Ridgemont football bleachers are full of cheering students. We see the same basic groups from lunch court, and many more. The cheerleaders are on the field -- Cindy Carr, Dina Phillips and company -- and their cheerleader "husbands" sit directly in front of them in the stands. Linda and Stacy sit in the bleachers with some of the Swenson's girls. The Rat and Damone sit several rows above them, watching. The teachers sit together in another section. ANGLE ON BRAD HAMILTON who is again sitting alone in the bleachers. Watching. Several old lunch court friends pass by, on their way to the concession area. STUDENT #1 Hey, Brad! How's going? BRAD All right. STUDENT #2 Where you working? BRAD Fish and chips place. STUDENT #1 Which one? BRAD Just a fish and chips place. Brad says nothing more. The students look at each other. STUDENTS We'll be seeing you, Brad! BRAD (sullen) Later. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - THE GAME - NIGHT Everyone is cheering the amazing game on the field. Charles Jefferson is poised on the offensive line. He mutters a string of obscenities at the opposing Lincoln player. The ball is snapped, and Charles Jefferson comes directly at the player with both elbows up and angled to hit inside his helmet. The Lincoln player is hit and keels over. Charles Jefferson sets up for another play. The ball is snapped. Ka-boom. Down falls another Lincoln player. Jefferson doesn't know who it was who wrecked his Mustang, but he wasn't about to spare any of them. There is pure madness in his eyes. It has taken him over. The Ridgemont points rack up. Jefferson is single handedly maiming Lincoln for Homecoming. EXT. RIDGEMONT BLEACHERS - NIGHT We see Jeff Spicoli and L.C. sitting calmly in the bleachers, watching. SPICOLI I think we may have gotten away clean. EXT. FIELD AND SCOREBOARD The half-time gun fires and the score is 36-7... Ridgemont. Even the Ridgemont players steer clear of Charles Jefferson as they return to their locker room. EXT. THE HAMILTON POOL - HOT AFTERNOON - SEVERAL WEEKS LATER Linda and Stacy are sitting by the pool, dressed in string tie bathing suits. They are listening to the music of Tom Petty's "Breakdown" playing on the living room stereo. Linda luxuriously applies suntan lotion to her chest and legs, in long and writhing strokes. Stacy reads a book. It's called Total Orgasm. Several beats pass. LINDA I sent a letter to Doug today. I'll be so glad when he gets out here. STACY (engrossed in book) You really ought to look at this, Linda. There's a drawing on every page... and all these quizzes. It's like school. LINDA Why don't you put your mother's secret book back? Linda continues regally applying lotion. STACY Listen to this... 'What are your mate's three most erogenous zones?' LINDA (automatic) Okay, penis, that's one, balls... STACY Wouldn't penis and balls be the same category? LINDA You're right. Probably penis, mouth and neck. STACY All right! Here's another one. 'The most satisfactory lovemaking occurs when your mate climaxes first, you climax first, you and your mate climax together?' LINDA Climax together. STACY Does that ever happen? LINDA No. But it's a nice idea. STACY Listen to this ... it says 'Most women derive pleasure from sex, but they don't have real orgasms.' Linda stops applying lotion, considers that thought. LINDA Well... they obviously don't know about Doug. They laugh. Linda resumes applying the lotion. Stacy continues reading the book. A couple of beats pass. STACY How long does Doug take? LINDA I don't know. Thirty to forty minutes. STACY (pause) What's Doug do in Chicago? LINDA He works for the airline. He'll be out here. You'll meet him. Stacy looks at Linda, almost disbelieving. LINDA (CONT'D) (wistful) He's no high school boy. There is a noise by the side fence leading into the Hamiltons' backyard. It is Mark Ratner and Mike Damone. They are already wearing swimsuits. DAMONE Hey! We came over to help you with Math homework! STACY Oh, really? THE RAT Really. We figured you needed the help. On such a hot day. Stacy quickly stashes the book in a stack of towels beside her. She leans over to Linda and speaks confidentially. STACY What do you think? LINDA I think they're both virgins. Stacy smiles, gets up and goes over to the fence. STACY I didn't ask for any help. Did you, Linda? LINDA No. DAMONE Well, that's exactly why I brought some Wisk for the jacuzzi. STACY O-kay, you guys can come swimming. But you have to leave as soon as my Mom gets home. Okay? EXT. HAMILTON POOL Mike Damone yells "banzai!" and dives into the small pool. At one end of the pool is the jacuzzi, which is separated by a tile wall. Damone has already poured the Wisk into the jacuzzi, and the detergent has created a huge bubble bath effect. Damone surfaces and flips into the jacuzzi. Stacy, looking great in a green bikini, sits kicking her legs by the side of the pool. Linda stands on the board. She is poised to dive. The Rat treads water and stares at both girls. Inside the Hamilton living room, the family stereo plays the music of Deep Purple's "Woman From Tokyo". DAMONE Hey, Linda! I'll judge your dive. I'm a champion diver myself. Brad arrives home by the side gate and slams it behind him. He is home from a bad day at work. He walks out onto the patio and stands with his hands on his hips. For the first time, our former campus hero looks absurd. He is still in his uniform from Captain Kidd Fish and Chips -- it is a blue and white striped Pirates of the Caribbean outfit, complete with black plastic sword at the side, and a ridiculously large Ponce de Leon-esque hat. Brad carries the hat under his arm. BRAD Does Mom know you have company? STACY It's just Linda. And Mark from school. Brad ignores the underclassmen, and notices Linda on the board in her maroon bikini. He smiles. BRAD Hi, Linda. LINDA Hi, Brad. BRAD Well, you guys, keep it down. I've got some work to do upstairs. Brad turns and heads back inside. He is just out of earshot when they begin talking about him. LINDA God, he hardly even talks anymore. STACY I know. He hates to have to wear uniforms. DAMONE Poor guy. THE RAT Really. Stacy breaks the spell by jumping into the water, surfacing, and flipping over the tile wall into the Jacuzzi. She sits next to Damone, looking mischievous. ANGLE ON DAMONE AND STACY IN THE JACUZZI talking while the others are at the other end of the pool. ANGLE ON THE RAT casually catching sight of them together from the other side of the pool. We can read the emotions on The Rat's face. He is still taken with Stacy, but his big moment for her appears to have passed. ANGLE ON DAMONE AND STACY IN THE JACUZZI as they talk. Underneath the water, her leg accidentally knocks against his. Then he feels her continue. Damone feels Stacy's cool hand on his inner thigh. Moving upwards, stopping just short of the bulge in his trunks. ANGLE ON DAMONE'S FACE as it loosens and quivers just the slightest bit. This is uncharted territory, even for Mr. Attitude. ANGLE ON LINDA who is now sunning herself by the side of the pool. She rubs her legs against each other, slowly, enjoying the hot afternoon. EXT. BRAD'S WINDOW - ANGLE ON BRAD who is watching Linda from the window in his room. We see him from behind, peeking out the curtains. EXT. POOL - ANGLE ON LINDA who smiles at Damone and flips back into the pool with a splash. Damone steals a look down at his swimsuit. He's popped a big one. THE RAT Why don't you get up and do a dive, Mike? LINDA Go ahead. ANGLE ON DAMONE'S FACE and we know he can't get out of the water yet. DAMONE No. I don't think so. Not right now. THE RAT Chicken! Linda, for one, loses interest quickly. Standing by the side of the pool, she jams a finger in her ear and wiggles it. LINDA Stacy! I've got water in my ears. Do you have any Q-Tips? STACY God, I don't think so. Better look in the house. Linda towels off and heads back inside the Hamilton house. She knows how to walk. INT. BRAD'S BEDROOM AND BATHROOM - AFTERNOON We see Brad's room. The Carl's burger picture on the wall is conspicuously missing. There is music playing from his stereo -- Pink Floyd's "You and Me". We see Brad. He is kneeling on the bathroom floor, his back to us. His green T-shirt is on, his underwear in a pile on the floor behind him. His arm is pumping slowly. Brad is jacking off. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HAMILTON POOL - BRAD'S DAYDREAM It features Linda Barrett, just as she stood on the diving board a moment ago. She is gorgeous. Her breasts seem even bigger than usual. Her nipples are hard, poking through the film maroon string bikini. Water rolls slowly down her cheeks, into the corners of her mouth. Her lips are parted slightly. Her eyes are filled with desire as she says... LINDA Hi, Brad. (pause) You know how cute I always thought you were. I think you're so sexy. Will you come to me? ANGLE ON BRAD IN DAYDREAM in a nice shirt, his hair combed back and looking great. He walks to Linda. She reaches out and grabs him for a kiss, pulling him close. Then she pushes him away, so he can watch as she carefully unstraps the top of her bathing suit. The incredible Linda Barrett's breasts fall loose. She takes Brad's hands and places them on her, as she begins unbuttoning his shirt. They are just about to fall into passionate lovemaking when we hear... LINDA (O.S.) (CONT'D) Hey, Brad! Do you have any Q-Ti... The daydream evaporates and we see real life again with an... INT. BRAD'S BATHROOM - ANGLE ON LINDA'S FACE in the doorway of Brad's bathroom as she watches the sight before her. ANGLE ON BRAD trying to cover himself and act nonchalant and keep his back turned at the same time. The words barely escape his mouth. BRAD Wait just a... minute. LINDA Sorry. I didn't know anybody was in here. Linda turns and goes immediately, as if she wants to forget what she saw as quickly as possible. She closes the door behind her. ANGLE ON BRAD still kneeling. It had all happened so quickly, so fast BRAD Doesn't anybody fuckin' knock anymore? He slams the toilet seat down and we... CUT TO: INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - DAY The third attendance bell rings, and Mr. Hand strides to the front of the class. He locks the door. Then he takes the front of the class and notices something very different. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI bright and clear-eyed, sitting in the front row. His hands are clasped in front of him on the desk. His textbook is open to the proper page. Mr. Hand is suspicious, but continues with class. MR. HAND Now in 1898, Spain owned Cuba. Outright. Think about it. Cuba, owned by a disorganized parliament 4,000 miles away. Cubans were in a constant state of revolt. Mr. Hand begins pacing the aisles as he talks. MR. HAND (CONT'D) In 1904, the United States decided to throw a little weight around, and... There is a brief, sharp knock at the door. Mr. Hand whips his head around, like McGarrett. He approaches the door like a cat. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (sweet voice) Who is it? VOICE Mr. Pizza. MR. HAND Again? VOICE Mr. Pizza, sir! Hand swings the door open, out of curiosity. In walks a young Man in a Mr. Pizza delivery shirt. PIZZA MAN Okay, who had the double cheese sausage and bologna? Jeff Spicoli speaks up. SPICOLI That's me. The Delivery Man takes the pizza, sets it on the desk, as Spicoli whips out some crumpled dollars. Then he produces yet another crumpled dollar, and presses it into the Delivery Man's hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) For you, my man. The Delivery Man thanks him warmly, just as Mr. Hand rages into the picture. MR. HAND Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? SPICOLI Learning about Cuba. Having some food. MR. HAND Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance in my class and on my time. SPICOLI (cool and urbane) I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here... and you're here... doesn't that make it our time? Mr. Hand is so furious he's almost shaking. SPICOLI (CONT'D) So I thought I'd order us a pizza. Just leave me a lot of bologna... Mr. Hand snatches up the pizza, and starts to throw it in the wastebasket. Then he thinks better, and heads for the door. He opens it just as a gang of young Stoners walk past. STONER #1 There's the pizza. STONER #2 Totally! Mr. Hand pushes the pizza into their hands and slams the door. SPICOLI You better save some for me, you swine! MR. HAND And you, my friend. I'll see you for a two-hour detention every afternoon this week. Spicoli eases back in his chair, shrugs. It was a good idea at the time. INT. CAPTAIN KIDD FISH AND CHIPS - DAY Brad Hamilton, looks terribly uncomfortable in his Ponce de Leon hat and buccaneer uniform. He rings up an order for an older Customer. CUSTOMER Why aren't you in school, son? BRAD I go to school in the mornings. I have a work study program for the afternoon. He bags one final coffee and punches up the amount. BRAD $8.46, please. CUSTOMER Here you go. I have it exactly. (sets money down) Good luck! BRAD Thank you, and thanks for coming to Captain Kidd. Brad loosens his buccaneer scarf, and starts back towards the kitchen. He is stopped by the sudden appearance of Captain Kidd Assistant Manager, Harold. HAROLD Hamilton! I'll take over the fryer. Those boys at IBM need some Catch of-the-Day boxes, and I told them you would personally deliver them within the hour. I'll reimburse you for gas. Brad dutifully unhooks his apron, to reveal the bottom half of his pirate suit. BRAD Just write me out a bill. While Harold leans down to tally up the fish order, Brad goes to a nearby employee's closet. He has completely perfected the art of changing back into his street clothes, and it takes less than a minute. He is just about to finish buttoning his street shirt when Harold sees him. HAROLD Hamilton, come over here. What is that you've got on? BRAD This is how I dress all the time. HAROLD But you took off your Captain Kidd uniform. BRAD I thought I'd take it off for the drive over to IBM. It's kind of uncomfortable. Harold can barely fathom the idea. HAROLD Come on, Hamilton. You're going over there to represent Captain Kidd Fish and Chips. We have stores all over Southern California. Part of our image, part of our appeal is in our uniforms. You know that! BRAD You really want me to put all this stuff back on? HAROLD Yes. I think so. Show some pride, Hamilton. ANGLE ON BRAD as he stands there, stoic looking. BRAD I don't believe you're asking me to do this, but okay. He begins taking off his street shirt. He looks at Harold, looks at the boxes, and returns to the closet. INT. THE CRUISING VESSEL Brad is driving down the freeway, listening to the music of Bruce Springsteen's "Out in the Streets." He pries open one of the fourteen Catch-of-the-Day boxes on the seat next to him and pulls out a small piece of fried fish. Brad takes a bite. The look on his face says it is the worst piece of shit he has ever tasted. He throws the piece out the window, and drives on. Brad turns to see a girl smiling at him from another car. It makes his afternoon. He returns the smile with gusto. ANGLE ON THE GIRL as she bursts out laughing and drives away. ANGLE ON BRAD looking perplexed. Then he realizes that he hasn't taken his Ponce de Leon hat off. Brad drives on. A SERIES OF ANGLES ON BRAD'S CAR as we see the Cruising Vessel move down the highway. We see the Captain Kidd hat go flying out the window. Then the plastic sword, and the scarf. Then a couple boxes of Captain Kidd fish. Then the rest of them. We see Brad rip past the IBM Building. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON School is out and kids are leaving campus, heading for the parking lot and bus stop. We see Mike Damone carrying some books, walking towards Ridgemont Drive. He is joined by Stacy Hamilton, who hurries to catch up to him. STACY I can't wait until I can drive next year. I walk every day. It's such a drag. DAMONE Get a ride with somebody. STACY Sometimes I get a ride with my brother. But he usually works in the mornings, and then drives to school himself. DAMONE What a guy. Damone turns to her after a moment, all Attitude. DAMONE (CONT'D) You know Mark Ratner really likes you. You like him? STACY Mark is a really nice boy... Stacy walks along, then stops and looks at Damone. STACY (CONT'D) But I think I like you. They turn the corner. EXT. HAMILTON HOME They have arrived at Stacy's house. There are no cars parked out front. No one is home. STACY Do you want to come in for a second? The Attitude starts to weaken. After a long pause, Damone responds. DAMONE Do you have any ice tea? STACY Sure. Come on in. Stacy unlocks her front door, they go inside. INT. HAMILTON KITCHEN Damone stands in the white linoleum Hamilton kitchen. Stacy opens the refrigerator door. STACY I guess the annuals are coming in pretty soon. Are you going to get one? DAMONE I don't know. STACY Aren't you curious to see how your class picture turned out? DAMONE I know what I look like. Stacy places a glass of ice tea in front of him. They are all alone in the house. STACY Do you want to take a quick swim? DAMONE Well... STACY Brad probably has some trunks you can borrow... I'm going to my room to change! Damone stares straight ahead. She's going to her room to change. Stacy scoots down the hall toward her bedroom. DAMONE This is great ice tea! INT. STACY'S ROOM - ANGLE ON STACY IN HER ROOM In the middle of changing, she has caught her own reflection in the mirror. She pauses a moment, looking at the young girl looking back. INT. KITCHEN - ANGLE ON DAMONE IN THE KITCHEN He continues staring straight ahead. STACY (from other room) You don't have to shout! You can come back here to my room! Damone doesn't move. He pretends he doesn't hear. A moment later, Stacy comes bounding back down the hall in her green bikini. She grabs Damone by the arm. STACY Come with me! I know there's a suit in the changing room! She pulls him away. INT. THE CHANGING ROOM They enter the wood-panelled changing room next to the Hamilton pool. There are two swimsuits hanging from wooden pegs. STACY Pick a suit. DAMONE I don't know. It's getting pretty late... She locks the door to the changing room and begins to walk towards Mike Damone. STACY Are you really a virgin? DAMONE Come on... He could feel his leg starting to shake the slightest bit. STACY It's okay if it's your first time. She gives him a kiss. DAMONE Listen. I feel pretty strange here. Because Mark really likes you, and he's my friend. STACY He's my friend, too. She gives him another kiss. He kisses her in return. Standing there, feeling Stacy in her bikini, feeling her kiss him, Damone also felt some of his reservations slip away. DAMONE You're a really good kisser. STACY So are you. (pause) Are you shaking? DAMONE (shaking) No. Are you crazy? It is clear that this is as far as Mr. Attitude has ever gotten with a girl. Stacy takes the initiative, rubbing her hands through his hair, rubbing his sides, kissing his neck, then pulling away. STACY (whispers) Why don't you take off your clothes, Mike? DAMONE You first. STACY How about both of us at the same time? Damone nods, and watches as Stacy unhooks her top and steps out of her bikini bottom. She stands naked in the shadows of the afternoon sun. She sits down naked on a red changing room couch, and gathers her legs up to her chest. She watches as Damone struggles with his clothes. ANGLE ON DAMONE hopping on one leg, pulling first out of his pants, then his jockey underwear. Bashfully, he goes to sit next to Stacy on the couch. They begin to kiss, and it quickly escalates into heavy petting. Stacy pulls away. STACY I want you to know that it's your final decision if we should continue or not. DAMONE Let's continue. Stacy leans back and pulls him on top of her. He enters her and begins pumping so hard, so fast, that he doesn't notice he's banging the sofa into the wall of the changing room. But just as quickly as Damone starts, he stops. STACY (whispers) Hey, Mike? DAMONE What? Are you all right? STACY I think we're making a lot of noise. DAMONE I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. He has a strange look on his face. STACY What's wrong? DAMONE I think I came. Didn't you feel it? STACY I guess I did. They lay there, Damone still on top of her on the red couch. ANGLE ON DAMONE as we read the confusion on his face. He is embarrassed, a little confused... mostly he just wants to be alone. DAMONE I've got to get home. I've really got to go, Stacy. ANGLE ON STACY as she looks up at him. She gives him a kiss. Damone gets up puts his pants and shirt on. He leaves the changing room. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - AFTERNOON We see Stacy sitting at her usual seat, and she's wearing a bright spring dress with a slight amount of makeup. She looks at Damone's seat with anticipation, but it remains empty as other students file in. Finally, she turns to The Rat. STACY Where's Mike today? THE RAT Today's April 16th. Damone never comes to school on April 16th. STACY What's April 16th? THE RAT It's John Bonham's birthday. STACY John Bonham? THE RAT John Bonham. The drummer for Led Zeppelin. He died a couple years ago. Every birthday he stays home and plays everything John Bonham ever recorded. It's like his own holiday. STACY Oh. I see. The bell rings, and Mr. Vargas enters the room with his Sanka cup. INT. COLLEGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON Seated at the desk is Mrs. O'Rourke. There is a knock at the door. The door swings open. Brad Hamilton holds out his yellow slip. MRS. O'ROURKE Have a seat, Brad... Brad have you got your list of college applications? BRAD Well, to tell you the truth Mrs. O'Rourke, I've kind of been putting it off. I'm not sure what I want to do yet. MRS. O'ROURKE (by rote) All right Brad. Let me ask you like this. If I were queen of the world, and I could make you whatever you wanted to be, what would it be? BRAD I don't know... Burt Reynolds. There is no humor on Mrs. O'Rourke's face. MRS. O'ROURKE I realize it's important to have fun in your senior year, with your friends, but there comes a time when you have to get serious about your future, think about college, and put aside all this fun. Brad looks up suddenly. BRAD You know what, Mrs. O'Rourke? I broke up with my girlfriend this year. I lost my job at Carl's, and two other places. I wake up at 5:30 to work at 7-11, then I go to school, then I go back to 7-11. I have to pay rent, you know. My grades haven't been that bad, and now you're telling me that the fun is over. Well, I'm still waiting for the fun to start. MRS. O'ROURKE Brad, I'll see you when I'm through with the rest of the seniors. If you want to visit the career office, go right ahead. I'll talk to you when you're more prepared. Brad gathers his books and opens the door to leave. MRS. OIROURKE Next! An absolutely exuberant Cindy Carr pops her head in the door. CINDY Hi-yeeeeeeee!!! DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT HALLWAY - MORNING The bell has just rung, and Mike Damone comes out of Youth and Law class. He has an absorbed, driven look on his face. He walks past the rows of lockers, and doesn't even notice as he passes Stacy Hamilton standing by her locker. She smiles, grabs his arm affectionately. STACY Hi Mike! Damone turns to see her, is thoroughly unimpressed. DAMONE Oh. Hi. STACY I didn't see you this morning. DAMONE Look, I'm kind of in a hurry. STACY I'm in a hurry too. I just thought I could say hi to you. DAMONE Hello. He pulls away, leaving a bewildered Stacy standing by her locker. She grabs some books and hurries in the other direction. EXT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY The bus pulls up to the front entrance of University Hospital. The students file out and collect next to the front door. Mr. Vargas gleefully addresses the class. This is his favorite field trip. MR. VARGAS Today we're going to explore how this hospital works to preserve human life. We'll be visiting every floor, every level where these fine doctors and nurses take care of us, in life... and in death. INT. MATERNITY WARD The class exits from a hospital elevator, onto another floor. They are now standing outside the maternity ward. We hear the loud noise of babies. MR. VARGAS Over thirty children are delivered here each day... The class moves on. INT. THE BOTTOM FLOOR The class exits another hospital elevator. MR. VARGAS This is part of your third quarter exam, and I'd advise you to take careful notes on what we're about to see. ANGLE ON DR. MILLER a young intern who has joined the class for the last part of their tour. MR. VARGAS May I just ask you one last time to conduct yourselves with the utmost maturity... The kids are beginning to get very nervous now as they are led down the hall to the "Cold Room." The door to the "Cold Room" has only one sign on it. It reads: CADAVERS -- MEDICAL EXAMINATION ONLY. Mr. Vargas opens the door, and the class seems to gasp. INT. THE COLD ROOM There are six examination tables in the "Cold Room". Each of them contains a cadaver covered by a white sheet. Mr. Vargas has gathered the class around one table in particular. He fingers the edge of the white sheet as he talks. MR. VARGAS As you know, all the bodies in this room are recently deceased human bio-structures. A student raises his hand. MR. VARGAS Yes, Randy? RANDY Who are these guys? MR. VARGAS Most of them were derelicts, Randy. They sold the right for medical examination of their bodies for money. Something like thirty dollars, I believe. Isn't that right, Doctor Miller? DR. MILLER Twenty-five dollars. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI who turns to Stacy. SPICOLI Twenty-five bucks is pretty good. MR. VARGAS Now this gentleman here is named Arthur. Arthur died from heart failure last week and we are fortunate enough to view his body in its pristine state. Mr. Vargas suddenly pulls the white sheet aside and we see the body of Arthur. The students' eyes widen. Some gasp. Others cover their mouths. Others begin furious notes. Nobody speaks. The body of Arthur is smallish and withered. It is orange, flaky, and not quite real looking. A deep cut has been made in Arthur's chest. Mr. Vargas bends Arthur upright for a better student view. He gestures to the deep cut made in Arthur's chest. The tension mounts. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) This incision allows us to pull aside the skin covering of the chest cavity and really observe the human organs as they exist in their natural state. ANGLE ON ARTHUR and his shrunken face, which seems to say please don't. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) I want all of you to take a look at the chest cavity for just a moment. Mr. Vargas grabs the two sides of Arthur's chest cavity covering, and rips it open. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) Here we have the human lungs and heart, which you can see is actually located in the center of your chest. With a squish, Mr. Vargas reaches inside Arthur and pulls out the human heart for display. The class stands in silent shock. Only one comment escapes from any of them. SPICOLI Bitchin'. ANGLE ON STACY HAMILTON who goes running out of the "Cold Room", holding her mouth. The Rat runs after her. INT. BOTTOM FLOOR HALL Rat and Stacy sit side-by-side on some orange plastic chairs, by a nurse's desk. Stacy is shook up. STACY I made a fool of myself. THE RAT Nobody noticed. Don't worry about it. We'll just stay out here until everyone comes out, we'll blend back in. STACY What about the notes? THE RAT I'll get you the notes. She squeezes his arm. EXT. HOSPITAL - AFTERNOON The students file out of the hospital, looking like they've just been through a war. INT. LINDA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT It is night, and Linda and Stacy are watching Fantasy Island. MONTALBAN You see, Tatoo, what this man doesn't realize is that he must one day leave Fantasy Island. And he must continue his life as an incurable leper. Stacy is fighting back tears. Linda looks angry. Telephone rings. Linda jumps to get it. LINDA Hello. Linda obviously is disappointed when she hears a female voice. LINDA (CONT'D) Yeah... you're kidding... What did he say... What did you say... How much did it cost? Look, tell him he can have a relationship with you or a 'more open' relationship with someone else... Listen, Debbie, can I call you later. I'm waiting for Doug to call. She plops back on the couch with Stacy. LINDA (CONT'D) I'll bet he forgets to call again. She notices that Stacy is crying over the TV show. LINDA (CONT'D) God, Stacy, it's not that sad. It's just David Soul and Ricardo Montalban. STACY I don't know, I'm just so depressed. Everything is just so... depressing. Linda shuts off the television. LINDA You have been acting very strange the last few weeks. STACY I don't know... I just don't feel right. Linda sits down next to Stacy on the bed. LINDA What do you think it is? STACY What do you think it is? LINDA It couldn't be. STACY It could be. I had a pregnancy test at the clinic. I'll find out Monday. I guess it was Damone. LINDA Of course it was Damone. If it was Ron Johnson, you'd be out to here! STACY I'm not going to tell him. He's an asshole. I hate him. LINDA But it costs money to have an abortion. Even at the Free Clinic. You tell Damone to pay for it. It's the least he can do. It's the guy's responsibility too. She puts the TV back on and they watch. STACY You know, there's one thing you didn't tell me about guys. LINDA What? STACY You didn't tell me that they can be so nice, so great... but then you sleep with them and they start acting like they're five years old. LINDA You're right. I didn't tell you that. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - TWO DAYS LATER Stacy Hamilton is walking towards Mike Damone on the football field. We see him from a distance, timing track runners. DAMONE What's going on? STACY Mike, there's something that's been on my mind and I have to tell you about it. DAMONE What? Now? He clicks off the time on a runner, and then turns to face her. DAMONE (CONT'D) Why don't you call me up tonight? STACY Mike. I want you to know that I'm pregnant. ANGLE ON STACY as she looks down. They are words she never thought she would be speaking. DAMONE How do you know it's mine? We only did it once. STACY I know it's yours. ANGLE ON DAMONE as he realizes she is sincere, and he truly begins to panic. DAMONE You made me do it! You locked the door. You made me do it! You wanted it more than me! ANGLE ON STACY She does not flinch. STACY Take that back. DAMONE All right, I take it back. ANGLE ON DAMONE He hugs his arms tighter across his chest, and decides to try a more mature tact. DAMONE (CONT'D) There's only one thing we can do. We've got to get rid of it. We've got to get an abortion. STACY We've got to get an abortion? DAMONE Yeah. My brother Art got his girlfriend one once. STACY It's already planned, Mike. It's going to cost $150 at the Free Clinic. DAMONE Doesn't sound free to me. (pause) So you want me to pay for it? STACY Half. Okay? (bites back tears) Seventy-five dollars. And a ride to the clinic. DAMONE Seventy-five dollars, and a ride. Okay. Stacy stands there, hands folded, nodding. DISSOLVE TO: INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - AFTERNOON He is working at his desk, counting through a wad of money. ANGLE ON THE LIST in front of him, which has a split line down the middle. People Who Owe Me -- fifteen dollars Rick. People I Owe -seventy-five dollars REO Speedwagon tickets, seventy-five dollars abortion. Damone counts fifteen dollars into his stack, crosses out Rick. Then he counts through the money. Seventy five dollars exactly. He crosses out REO Speedwagon tickets. This leaves him no money for the abortion. EXT. STREET CORNER - AFTERNOON Here, at the same corner where she once waited for Ron Johnson, Stacy waits for Damone. Cars pass, no Damone. INT. HAMILTON HOUSE - AFTERNOON Stacy is on the phone, calling Damone. We see the phone messages sheet that lists two calls for Stacy, and none for Brad. The line rings four times, then it's answered. FEMALE VOICE Hello? STACY Hello... is Mike there? FEMALE VOICE Hold on. Stacy sags, disbelieving, and looks at the clock on the kitchen wall. It's getting late... FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D) He says he's helping his father in the garage and he'll call you back. Stacy is stunned. FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D) Hello? Stacy hangs up. She punches out another number, quickly. MRS. BARRETT (V.O.) Hello? STACY Hi, Mrs. Barrett. Is Linda there? MRS. BARRETT (V.O.) She went off to the beach. She'll be back later, though. STACY Okay. Thanks. She looks at the clock again, then hears a noise in the driveway. STACY (CONT'D) Brad! Hey, wait a second! She runs out. EXT. CRUISING VESSEL - AFTERNOON Brad and Stacy pull up next to the flea market. STACY Yeah. This is it. I have some shopping to do. BRAD See you later. STACY Thanks a lot, Brad. I really appreciate it. She gets out of the car. EXT. FLEA MARKET Stacy Hamilton watches her brother drive away. Then she looks to both sides, and walks on. She passes the entrance to the Flea Market. She walks around the corner to another building marked BIRTH CONTROL - FREE CLINIC. Brad follows her in the rearview mirror. INT. BIRTH CONTROL CLINIC Stacy is lying in bed wearing a paper dress. Her hair is stuffed in paper shower cap. She looks anxious. In a bed next to her an older girl is being affectionate with her visiting boyfriend. A Nurse comes in with an IV. NURSE This is going to prick a little. She sticks the needle into Stacy's hand. Stacy looks pained but doesn't yell. The Nurse pats the rolling bed. NURSE (CONT'D) Now scoot over here. Stacy moves onto it. Looking up from her point of view, we see the ride out of the room and into: INT. OPERATING ROOM Stacy gets wheeled in. The Doctor looks down at her. DOCTOR Hello, Stacy, I'm Doctor Bartell. Stacy moves onto the operating table as the Nurse and Doctor get ready. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Any questions before we begin? STACY This is going to hurt, isn't it? DOCTOR We'll use a local but you'll feel some pressure. It doesn't last that long. STACY Does it hurt more to have a baby? The Doctor pauses and considers her question. DOCTOR Yes... but I think you mind it less. Stacy looks up at the lights and listens to the sound of suction tubes. INT. B.C. WAITING AREA The other girl and Stacy sit at a table eating toast and jelly. The girl is reading. The Nurse enters. NURSE How are we doing in here? Debbie, ready to leave? The girl nods and gets up. NURSE (CONT'D) Right through here. Stacy, I can't let you go unless you have a ride home. STACY Uh, my boyfriend said held be waiting downstairs. The Nurse studies her, decides she's telling the truth and allows her to leave. EXT. ENTRANCE TO THE FREE CLINIC Stacy walks back out into the sunlight, slowly and weakly. She is surprised and amazed at who she sees standing outside, waiting for her. ANGLE ON BRAD HAMILTON He stands, hands on hips, just outside the door. STACY Brad! He puts an arm around her and leads her toward his waiting car. BRAD Since when do you shop at the Flea Market anyway? STACY Brad. Please don't tell Mom and Dad... He helps her into the cruising vessel. He starts up the car and drives off. BRAD Who did it? Stacy stares out the window. Tears well in her eyes. BRAD (CONT'D) You're not going to tell me, are you? STACY No. BRAD All right, then. It's your secret. Stacy smiles at Brad. Brad smiles back. The car drives on. INT. LINDA'S ROOM - NIGHT Stacy is in Linda's room, sitting on her bed. Her eyes are red and moist from crying. Linda listens to her story. STACY I really thought he would show up. I waited... and waited... and waited... LINDA That little prick. STACY Then I called his house, and his mother told me he was in the garage helping his father. LINDA That little prick. STACY I paid for it and everything. LINDA There goes your stereo for another year. Mike Damone is a no-brain little prick. I'm not letting him get away with this. STACY Don't do anything, Linda. I'd rather just forget about it. I don't even like the guy. LINDA Stacy, he's not a guy. (loud) He's a little prick! Stacy lies back on the bed. EXT. DAMONE HOUSE - MORNING The front door to the Damone house opens, and out walks Mike Damone carrying some books. He looks troubled, burdened, and stares down at the walkway as he moves towards his car. He walks around, starts to pen the car door, then he sees it. There, in white spray paint across the driver's door, is the message: PRICK. DAMONE Shhhhhhhhhit. He looks both ways, and starts back towards the house. EXT. DAMONE CAR Mike Damone travels down Ridgemont Drive, making the turn into the school parking lot. There is a large cardboard panel taped on the side of his car. EXT. DAMONE'S LOCKER He arrives at his locker, where, in white spray paint, there is another message: LITTLE PRICK. Several girls walk by, they laugh knowingly. GIRL #1 Hi, Mike! GIRL #2 Hi, mike! Damone backs up against the locker, with a sick smile on his face. DAMONE Hi... girls. More students pass, looking strangely at the young man pinned against his own locker. EXT. BOY'S LOCKER ROOM - AFTERNOON Damone exits the boys locker room. Just as he does, he is accosted by The Rat. We have never quite heard this tone in The Rat's voice before. THE RAT Damone? What happened between you and Stacy? Damone feigns The Attitude, shakes his head. Damone sighs. DAMONE Let me tell you something, Rat. Sometimes girls just go haywire. It was a month ago, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you ever since. We started messing around and... (shrugs) ... something happened. It's all over with. It's no big deal. I never called her again. The Rat says nothing. DAMONE (CONT'D) If you ask me, she's pretty aggressive. You understand what I'm saying? THE RAT No Damone. I don't understand. DAMONE She wasn't really your girlfriend anyway. THE RAT Hey fuck you Damone. There's a lot of girls out there and you mess around with Stacy. What have you got to prove? DAMONE Jesus. I'm sorry. THE RAT I always stick up for you. Whenever people say 'Aw, that Damone is a loudmouth' -- and they say that a lot -- I say 'You just don't know Damone.' When someone says you're an idiot, I tell them 'Damone's not an idiot. You just don't know him.' Well, you know, Damone, maybe they do know you pretty good. And I'm just finding out. DAMONE Fine. Get lost. Damone starts to push past him, but The Rat shoves his shoulder hard. DAMONE (CONT'D) All right, Rat. You want to do something about it? Damone begins the classic high school fighting ritual. He throws his books down. He takes a step back. He goes into a crouch. He gestures towards himself. Then Damone says the universally recognized high school fighting words. DAMONE (CONT'D) Well come on. The Rat shows no fear. As other kids begin to crowd around the two boys, Rat throws his own books down. He takes a step back, goes into the crouch. He gestures toward himself. THE RAT You come on. They stand there, gesturing, neither one of them wanting to make the first move. DAMONE No. You come on, you wuss. Assistant Coach Mr. Sexton comes running out of the boy's locker room, and steps in front of the two boys. SEXTON Hey! Knock this crap off!! The Rat stalks off, disappearing into the crowd of onlookers. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT DRIVE - NIGHT The Ridgemont Drive strip is filled with cars, cruising for parties. There is a lot of honking, and yelling out windows. Everyone is headed towards the beach. We stay on a lowly 7-11 store near the freeway entrance. EXT. 7-11 STORE - NIGHT A yellow Firebird slowly, menacingly cruises the empty parking lot. It does not stop. Then, around the corner, walks Jeff Spicoli. We see him in the neon 7-11 light, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of baggy jeans. He walks inside the store. He is the only shopper. INT. 7-11 STORE Brad Hamilton stands behind the counter in a red and white striped shirt and cap, making fresh coffee. Jeff Spicoli trudges up to the counter. He looks at Brad. Brad looks at Spicoli. There is an unspoken edge between them. SPICOLI Hey, mon, can I use the bathroom? Brad squints his eyes, looks at the sign on the back room door. ANGLE ON sign which reads: Rest Room For Employees Only. BRAD Go ahead. Just make it quick. SPICOLI Totally. BRAD It's the first door on your left. Spicoli disappears into the back room. Brad sighs, looks at the clock. It reads: 11:15. Then he hears Spicoli from the back room. SPICOLI (O.S.) I can't find it, mon! BRAD It's the first door on your left! SPICOLI (O.S.) On the ledge? BRAD First door on your left! SPICOLI (O.S.) There it is! Brad sighs again. He loads a new filter into the coffee maker. EXT./INT. 7-11 STORE A moment later, the yellow Firebird pulls into the 7-11 parking lot. A man in a windbreaker comes hurtling out of the car, into the store. He spray paints the scanning camera above the door. He hustles up to the counter, produces a .45 Magnum and points it chest high at Brad. There is a glazed and nervous speedy edge to his voice. ROBBER I want money. And I want it all -- now. Brad looks pale and young under the fluorescent 7 11 light. He speaks slowly. BRAD They empty and close the big safe here at midnight. ROBBER (getting tougher) I know this store. I know where the safe is. He bangs the gun on the counter, hard. ROBBER (CONT'D) Over there behind the donut case. Now move! Brad slowly moves to the donut case, like a zombie. BRAD I'm instructed to tell you that we are on a video alarm system and there are other hidden cameras in the store ... ROBBER Just give me the money. Move it. BRAD Okay. (legs are shaking) I just started here, and they just taught me the procedure. I'll give you the money, just let me figure this out. ROBBER (very menacing) Move it. Move it. Brad opens the phony back of the donut case and fiddles with the strongbox combination. ROBBER (CONT'D) (more menacing) Let's go, stupid. Brad looks at the gunman. BRAD You motherfucker. Get off my fuckin' case. The Robber is about to react when the bathroom door opens and Jeff Spicoli starts out, wiping his hands on his pants. SPICOLI No towels, mon... The Robber turns to look at Spicoli, and that is all that Brad Hamilton needs. Just like it is the most natural thing in the world, Brad reaches for the hot, steaming coffee pot he has just made and throws it into the gunman's face and hands. ROBBER Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!!! The .45 falls out of his hand and rattles to the floor. The gunman is still grabbing his face, and looking at his skinless hands in horror when Brad snaps up the gun. In the parking lot, the gunman's accomplice, poised behind the wheel of the yellow Firebird, spots the foul-up and screeches out of the parking lot. BRAD There goes your ride home. Brad pulls the under-counter alarm with newfound confidence. Jeff Spicoli stands there, mesmerized at the entire event. SPICOLI Awesome. Totally awesome. EXT. RIDGEMONT MALL - NIGHT Kids are pouring into the Ridgemont mall. Summer banners are already up. INT. THE MALL - NIGHT In the midst of all the kids and shoppers, we see The Rat walking slowly down the promenade. He is wearing an Army surplus jacket, and his hands are buried deep in his pockets. Two girls pass his way. One smiles briefly at him, and The Rat turns to watch her pass. He is about to say something to her, then no. He walks on, sees Swenson's Ice-Cream Parlor up ahead. The Rat decides to walk the other way. INT. SWENSON'S - NIGHT The place is busy again, filled with shoppers and teenagers in summer-type clothing. We see Stacy Hamilton, once again, at the cash register wearing an Assistant manager name tag and a hostess gown. She handles a customer's bill, then stands there a moment, looking glum. Linda Barrett approaches. STACY Another summer of working at Swenson's. LINDA Come on. There's lots of men around here. Keep your eyes open. STACY You know, Linda. I've finally figured it out. It's not sex I want. Anyone can have sex. LINDA What do you want? STACY I want romance. LINDA Romance in Ridgemont? We don't even get cable TV. ANGLE ON the back kitchen door, which swings open, and out comes Mike Damone in a peppermint Swenson's shirt. He wipes some grime on his pants. STACY Mike! You have a mess on C-9! DAMONE All right. All right. I just cleaned B-8. Give me a break. STACY Get going. The two girls smile, go back to their posts. INT. JEFF SPICOLI'S ROOM - NIGHT Jeff Spicoli sits in his room, and it is his castle. Clothes lie in disarray on the floor. A huge half-waxed surfboard is propped against the window. We see Spicoli dressed in a too large white short-sleeved shirt, attempting to tie his father's fat paisley tie. He stops to take a hit from his bong, all the while talking on the phone. The music of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" plays on the radio. SPICOLI I... am... so... wasted, mon. What is in this shit? (pause) Doesn't that stuff cause brain damage? (pause) Bitchin'. Spicoli listens for a moment. He rubs his eyes, shakes his head. He is really buzzed. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Hey, mon, I am going to Mexico as soon as school is out. Two more weeks, bud. Week from Wednesday. (pause) I am gonna take both boards, my duck feet, many cases of beer, and just jam. (pause) No, mon, from school. I'm leaving as soon as school gets out. I'll be at Sunset Cliffs by nighttime. (pause) Totally. (pause) Later. Spicoli hangs up, and concentrates on tying his tie. He almost strangles himself. Then suddenly the door to his room flies open and Spicoli's little brother Curtis bursts in. CURTIS Jeff you have company! SPICOLI Go away, Curtis. If you can't knock, I can't hear you. Curtis slams the door and leaves. A moment later there is a knock. SPICOLI (CONT'D) That's better. Come in. The door swings open and Jeff Spicoli sits in stoned shock at the sight before him. There, standing in the doorway of his room is Mr. Hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Mr... Mr. Hand. MR. HAND That's right, Jeff. Mind if I come in? Spicoli can only nod. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (calling downstairs) Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Spicoli. Hand walks into Spicoli's room, takes off his suit jacket and lays it on the chair back. He stops a moment and catches the stare of Miss January Penthouse on the wall, then turns to Spicoli. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Were you going somewhere tonight, Jeff? SPICOLI Yeah. The Graduation Dance Mr. Hand. It's the last school event of the year. MR. HAND I'm afraid we've got some things to discuss here, Jeff. SPICOLI Did I do something wrong, Mr. Hand? Hand removes several copies of Oui Magazine from another chair and sits down. He sets his briefcase on Spicoli's dresser, next to a bag of pot, and opens it up for easy access. MR. HAND Do you want to sit there, Jeff? SPICOLI I don't know. I guess so. MR. HAND Fine. You sit right here on your bed. I'll use the chair here. (pause) As I explained to your parents just a moment ago, and to you many times since the very beginning of the school year -- I don't like to spend my time waiting for late students, or detention cases. I'd rather be preparing the lesson. Mr. Hand takes a sheet from his briefcase and looks at it. MR. HAND (CONT'D) According to my calculations, Mr. Spicoli, you wasted a total of eight hours of my time this year. And rest assured that is a kind estimate. He returns the sheet to his case and looks into Spicoli's weed-ravaged eyes. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Now, Mr. Spicoli, comes a rare moment for me. Now I have the unique pleasure of squaring our account. Tonight, you and I are going to talk in great detail about the Davis Agreement, all the associated treaties, and the American Revolution in particular. Now if you can just turn to Chapter 47 of Lord of Truth And Liberty. SPICOLI Hey, it's in my locker, Mr. Hand. MR. HAND Well, then, I'm glad I remembered to bring an extra copy just for you. Hand reaches in his case and produces the book. He hands it to Spicoli. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SPICOLI'S ROOM - HOURS LATER Wearily, Spicoli is trying to grasp the material. SPICOLI ... so, like, when Jefferson went before the people what he was saying was 'Hey, we left this place in England because it was bogus, and if we don't come up with some cool rules ourself, we'll be bogus, too!' Right? ANGLE ON MR. HAND who nods his head. MR. HAND Very close, Jeff. Hand reaches over and gets his case. MR. HAND (CONT'D) I think I've made my point with you tonight. SPICOLI Hey, Mr. Hand, can I ask you a question? MR. HAND What's that? SPICOLI Do you have a guy like me every year? A guy to... I don't know, make a show of. Teach other kids lessons and stuff? MR. HAND Well, you'll find out next year. SPICOLI (smiling) No way, mon. When I graduate U.S. history I ain't even coming over to your side of the building. MR. HAND If you graduate. SPICOLI (panicked) You're gonna flunk me?! Mr. Hand pauses a moment, then breaks into the nearest approximation of a grin we have seen all year. It isn't much, but it's noticeable. His lips crinkle at the ends. MR. HAND Don't worry, Spicoli. You'll probably squeak by. SPICOLI All right! Oh, yeah! Mr. Hand has now gathered all his material, and he stands to approach Spicoli's door. Jeff jumps up, extends his hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Aloha, Mr. Hand! MR. HAND Aloha, Spicoli. Mr. Hand exits the room, and descends the staircase of the Spicoli household. Spicoli kicks the door shut, grins, and continues struggling with his tie. INT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM - NIGHT Tight angle on the emotion-filled face of the lead singer in a cheesy high school band called the T Birds. He is bathed in a blue light, singing the last verse of The Eagles' 'Take It To The Limit'. We pull back to reveal a large, clumsy banner reading: LAST DANCE. Students are pouring into the gym for this event. Many have brought their annual yearbooks. On stage, the lead singer snaps his fingers and the band goes into Nick Lowe's 'Heart of the City'. Some students start to dance. Every one of our characters is either here, or about to arrive. From Charles Jefferson to Spicoli to Mr. Hand. For once, all classes are partying together. But, just as in the beginning of the year on lunch court, the kids are still cordoned off into their distinctive cliques. ANGLE ON MORE STUDENTS ARRIVING at the Last Dance. They see Mr. Hand signing annuals by the door. They all say the same thing as they pass, "Aloha, Mr. Hand". He nods in return. ANGLE ON STACY surveying the growing mob of annual-crazed students. From behind her comes Linda Barrett in a low-cut black dress. STACY Where's Doug? LINDA He's not coming. STACY Not coming? What happened? LINDA He says he's got to stay in Chicago. (sighs) He says I should visit him sometimes. STACY Sometime? LINDA Yeah, like maybe never. STACY But what are you going to do? LINDA Well I might go to Dartmouth. STACY Dartmouth?! LINDA I didn't tell anyone I applied cause I never thought I'd make it. STACY I can't believe it! But what about Doug? LINDA (STOIC) There's a world of guys out there. I just wish I didn't have to date any of them. STACY Hey -- Doug Stallworth? It's his loss. ANGLE ON MIKE DAMONE in another part of the dance, by the Junior class sponsored food counter. Damone is standing, talking to several girls, gesturing and being Damone, Mr. Attitude. DAMONE Sign my annual, honey. The girls look at each other, laugh. They walk away. ANGLE ON THE RAT standing nearby. THE RAT You're losing it, Damone. DAMONE You're crazy. Those girls love me. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI sprawled out in the bleachers with his surfer stoner buddies. He turns to one admiring stoner (Todd). SPICOLI Hey, mon. Sign my annual. Spicoli slips the annual into the kid's crotch. The stoner winces in pain, but still opens the book and lingers on all the signings in Spicoli's annual. They are all drug-related messages from fellow stoners. After a moment, Spicoli's friend signs: "Thanks for the reds. Todd." TODD Hey, mon, good thing we're going to Mexico this summer. 'Cause you're gonna get kicked out of your house when your parents read your annual. INT. GYMNASIUM - ANGLE ON DOOR Brad Hamilton pushes both doors open, and makes his entrance into the Last Dance. There is a lot of activity going on, but all nearby eyes turn to Brad as he walks into the dance. Fifteen kids immediately gravitate towards him. They all want Brad to sign their annuals, to talk about the 7-11 incident. Onstage, the T-Birds play the Beatles' "It Won't Be Long". We see Brad's old girlfriend Lisa push up to him. Her new jock boyfriend holds a protective arm around her. LISA I saw your picture in the paper. You had the greatest look on your face! ANOTHER STUDENT Front of the Metro Section. I'm telling my parents, 'I know this guy, I know this guy.' Lisa's boyfriend pulls his arm tighter around her. LISA Will you sign my annual, Brad? Brad smiles, nods. He signs, and gives her his. We then see Brad's three Buddies from Carl's Jr. come up, pat him on the back and grab his shoulder. Brad studies them warily. BUDDY #1 Fuckin' manager of 7-11! BUDDY #2 Get us jobs over there, Brad! You can do it! BRAD Since when do you guys want to work at 7-11? BUDDY #2 Come on, Brad! It would be great! All of us together! BRAD Well, 7-11 is a tremendous operation. It's really changed, man. They've got great food, great magazines, videogames... it's class. Total class. BUDDY #3 As soon as you can get us in there, we're gone from Carl's, Brad. BUDDY #2 Yeah, man, all the little punks from junior high have taken over the place. Brad leaves his old buddies. He grins and notices someone across the crowded dance floor. BRAD Hey, Thompson! Wendell! Get a job! They laugh, flip him off. Brad is back in his element at last. He moves into the main dancing area, works his way across the room, past the bleachers, when he hears a voice. SPICOLI (O.S.) Hamilton! Brad turns around, seen Spicoli sitting on the bottom rung of the bleachers. Spicoli looks back with true respect. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Awesome. He throws Brad his annual. Brad gives him his. They sign. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Easy, mon. BRAD Later. ANGLE ON THE BLEACHERS where several couples are passionately making out. Four teachers clomp up into the stands from different angles. They pin the couples in flashlight beams, like the main tower pinning an escaping prisoner. ANGLE ON THE T-BIRDS onstage, singing the Rolling Stones' "I'm Free". EXT. GYNMASIUM - NIGHT We see Jeff Spicoli leave the dance and come backing down the stairs with a stoner bud. His fist is in the air. SPICOLI Summer, mon! We're there! He turns to his stoner bud. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Let's roll, my man. Spicoli backs right into a young buzz-cut kid. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Hey, bud! Watch yourselff Spicoli turns around to see he's backed into a squad of eight Lincoln Surf Nazis. They are all standing on the steps, waiting. SURF NAZI Are you Jeff Spicoli? Spicoli looks up and down the row of Surf Nazis. On the end, he sees L.C. L.C. That's him! He did it! SPICOLI Hey, mon, I don't know what your trip is, but... Spicoli dashes off down Luna Street. L.C. and the Surf Nazis take out in hot pursuit, chasing him through the parking lot, past Ridgemont High, and into the night. They will never catch him. SLOW DISSOLVE: INT. RIDGEMONT MALL School is out and it's summer business as usual at the Ridgemont Mall. We see the same stores, the same packs of kids roaming the three tiers. ANGLE ON MARK RATNER who stands against the railing in his Cinema Four jacket, gazing across the mall at Swenson's Ice Cream Parlor. He sees Stacy walk two girlfriends to the outdoor front tables, and almost look his way. The Rat turns away suddenly. Then he hears her calling out after him. STACY Hey Mark! Turn around! Ratner turns around, affects total and complete cool. He waves across the mall to her. STACY (CONT'D) Come over here! He looks back at his post at the theatre, decides it's okay to step away. He walks across the mall. INT. SWENSON'S Stacy is standing by the sundae bar. Next to her are two empty stools. After a moment, we see The Rat plop onto one of the metal stools. He pounds the seat next to him with the palm of his hand. THE RAT You. Sit. Stacy turns to look at him, smiles. She sits. STACY Hi, Mark. THE RAT Hi, Stacy. How are you? STACY I'm fine. Mark, I'm so glad you came over here because I want you to know something. I just thought I would tell you that I really enjoyed getting to know you this year. The Rat maintains The Attitude. THE RAT Yeah? About fifty people I didn't know wrote that in my annual. STACY I know everybody says it, but I really mean it. The Rat looks at her from the corner of his eyes. THE RAT Really? STACY Yeah. I want you to have this picture, so you won't forget what I look like. And so you'll remember to call me over the summer. She withdraws a picture from her pocket, hands it to The Rat. THE RAT Well, I don't know, I may be doing some traveling this summer. I don't know how much I'll be around... (breaks down, takes picture) But I'll give you a call sometime. STACY I'd like that. She gives him a kiss on the mouth, gets up and walks away. The Rat sits there, smiling at the way things sometimes turn out. He slips the picture into his pocket, a satisfied young man. INT./EXT. SWENSON'S AND MALL The Rat is joined by Mike Damone, who has changed into his street clothes. DAMONE She wants it, Rat. The Rat snickers, shakes his head. DAMONE (CONT'D) I saw you. You had pure Attitude. The Rat turns to look at his friend. THE RAT The Attitude, Damone, is only good until you meet the right girl. DAMONE Whatever you say, Rat. They take off together, blending into the crowd of kids walking the mall. THE RAT And... you can only tell it's the right girl if you're sensitive. DAMONE Sensitive -- what is that? THE RAT Sensitive is when you can tell how people feel without asking. DAMONE So what makes you so sensitive? THE RAT Well, for one, I read. I don't watch as much television as you. I'm trying to feel things more. I'm learning a lot about people. DAMONE What do you read? What's the last book you read? THE RAT Lust For Life. It's the story of Vincent Van Gough. DAMONE (scoffs) Yeah, well, I saw the movie. That must mean I'm sensitive too. THE RAT It's a way, Damone. It's a vibe. I put it out, and I have personally found that girls do respond. Damone laughs, shoves him hard. We lose sight of the two boys in the sea of kids. A SERIES OF ANGLES of Ridgemont Center Mall with music. CREDITS FADE TO BLACK THE ENDFADE IN: EXT. RIDGEMONT CENTER MALL - NIGHT From the outside parking lot it looks like an enormous beached whale. It is the prime hangout for all the teenagers in the area. Kids mill around the parking lot or stand by the mall entrance. INT. RIDGEMONT CENTER MALL There are three levels of stores underneath a massive fluorescent roof. Different music comes from each store. It looks seventies-modern, but already used and run-down. Groups of kids cruise the mall, eyeing each other and acting cool. INT. SWENSON'S ICE-CREAM PARLOR - NIGHT The teenage waitresses in their peppermint pattie uniforms are rushing around, trying to keep up with their orders. A good-looking man in his mid-twenties enters and sits. He wears a plastic name tag that says: "Pacific Stereo Audio Consultant, RON JOHNSON." Two Swenson's Waitresses pass by with supreme indifference, and take their orders into the back kitchen. INT. SWENSON'S BACK KITCHEN WAITRESS #1 I think he looks like Richard Gere. The two Waitresses discuss the issue at hand. One of them, Linda Barrett, is the seventeen year old, retired sex queen of Ridgemont High. WAITRESS #1 (CONT'D) I think he looks like... Richard Gere. (Bruce Springsteen) LINDA Did you see his cute little butt? A third waitress enters. WAITRESS #2 Let's talk about C-19. WAITRESS #1 AND LINDA We were! WAITRESS #2 I think I'll drop over and change the shakers. LINDA No, be cool, that's Stacy's section. Through the entrance, we see Stacy Hamilton. She is the fifteen-year-old trainee, sweet-looking with just the last traces of baby fat. She puts down a glass of water for Ron, spills some and mops it up. WAITRESS #1 He's too old for Stacy, she hasn't even started high school yet. A flustered Stacy enters the back kitchen. LINDA How's it going. STACY Do you think that guy's cute? WAITRESS #1 In a blow-dryed kind of way. STACY Does anyone else want to take his table? LINDA Don't you like him? STACY Yeah, but I fucked up. You can take it. Really. LINDA Come on, Stacy, it's your section and your man. STACY What should I do? LINDA Just take his order, look him in the eye and if he says anything remotely funny, laugh a lot. She fluffs up Stacy's hair and gently shoves her towards the door. Stacy reluctantly exits. INT. SWENSON'S DINING ROOM Stacy goes to Ron's table. RON So you working hard or hardly working? Stacy thinks it over, decides it's a joke and laughs (a little too late). Ron looks at her soulfully. RON (CONT'D) You look like you could still be in high school. STACY I know, everyone says that. He stares at her and she stares back uncomfortably. STACY (CONT'D) What can I get for you tonight. RON How about your phone number? Stacy smiles nervously. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL - OUTSIDE SWENSON'S - NIGHT A teenage boy stands in front of an in-mall theatre across from Swenson's. He wears a stiff over-sized tuxedo suit. He is Mark "The Rat" Ratner, a ticket taker on the job. Mike Damone, a transplanted Easterner, bops over from the record store, eyeing every girl he passes. He stops at the movie theatre. THE RAT Do you ever look at those girls who work at Swenson's? They're beautiful. And I have to stand out here and watch them six nights a week. DAMONE You should work for yourself. Two Junior High Kids spot Damone, walk up to him. DAMONE (CONT'D) What can I do for you, gentlemen? JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 You the guy with the Van Halen tickets? DAMONE I could be. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 What do you want for something in the first ten rows? DAMONE Twenty bucks apiece. JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 Those tickets were only twelve fifty! DAMONE So don't buy 'em. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 (to friend) All the other scalpers are sold out, Arnold. Damone reacts indignantly. DAMONE Scalper? You call me a scalper? I perform a service, my friends. The service costs money. Now do you want the tickets or not? The Kids look at each other. JUNIOR HIGH KID #1 Are you sure you can't go any lower. DAMONE These are my special back-to-school prices. JUNIOR HIGH KID #2 We'll take 'em. Damone reaches inside his pants pocket for a wad of tickets. EXT. CARL'S JR. - NIGHT At the other end of the mall is a neon-lit Carl's Jr. Hamburger Restaurant. If Swenson's was the warm up, this is the main attraction of the Ridgemont Mall. INT. CARL'S JR. Back-to-school banners hang from the walls. Many kids are lined up at the counters. In the middle of the kitchen, directing all the orders, is a seventeen year old named Brad. He moves confidently, observing the fryer, checking cup supply, and giving an affectionate squeeze to a pretty cashier named Lisa. She lets him kiss her, but only once. A teenage Customer shouts to Brad from the front counter. CUSTOMER Hey Brad! I waited till you came on! I wanted your fries. Brad smiles, walks over to the fryer and discards the fries left from the previous shift. He shouts to the other employees as he puts in a new batch, "his" batch. BRAD We need fifteen Superstars, David! FELLOW EMPLOYEE #1 Okay, Brad! BRAD I'll take care of the fry orders! Just get me the Superstars! FELLOW EMPLOYEE #2 Fish sandwiches! Brad spots three surfers sitting in the dining area. None of them are wearing shirts. BRAD Hey you guys! You had shirts on when you came in here. ANGLE ON THE MAIN SURFER a bleary kid sitting at the head of the table. He runs a hand through his long, stringy blond hair. After a time, he speaks. SPICOLI Something happened to them, mon. BRAD Come on, Spicoli. Why don't you just put your shirts back on? See the sign? ANGLE ON HANDWRITTEN SIGN IN WINDOW that reads: "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Dice" INT. CARL'S JR. A store manager, Dennis Taylor, bustles up to Brad. DENNIS Any problems? BRAD No, just a couple of surfers with no shirts on. I took care of it, Dennis. ANGLE ON SURFERS grumbling, putting shirts back on. It pains them. Dennis heads back to his office when he sees something in the trash bin. DENNIS Did you throw away those fries, Hamilton? BRAD They were left over from the last shift. DENNIS Those were perfectly good fries, Hamilton. (glares at Brad) Perfectly good. BRAD But they weren't mine. Brad laughs, goes back to work. INT. MALL - LATE NIGHT It is closed and only a few janitors remain. Stacy and Linda walk through the large empty mall. STACY He gave me his card. (lovingly) 'Ron Johnson, Audio Consultant.' LINDA (amused) Should we buy a frame for that? STACY Come on, Linda, I haven't had a boyfriend all summer. You promised when I started working at the mall that my life would change... Do you think he'll call this week? LINDA Listen, Stace, you want to know about guys? I'll tell you. They're mostly chicken. Before I met Doug I chased after every guy I thought was cute. I thought if I gave out a vibe they'd get the message and call me up. Well, guess what? They don't call. STACY So what did you do? LINDA I called them. If I was sitting next to a guy and I wanted to sit closer, I'd sit closer. If I wanted to kiss him, I'd just do it. You want Ron Johnson? Grab him. STACY I can't do that. They pass a janitor cleaning graffiti that says: LINCOLN SURF NAZIS and MAGGOT LUST FOR THE DUST. LINDA Face it. With some guys you have to make the first move. A lot of guys are just... wussies. STACY Really? LINDA Stacy, what are you waiting for? You're fifteen. I did it when I was thirteen. It's no huge thing. It's just sex. If you don't, one of the other girls will. STACY (cute) He was hot, wasn't he? LINDA If I didn't have a fiance in Chicago, I'd go for it. A young Girl runs and catches up with Linda and Stacy. GIRL (breathless) Are you Linda Barrett? LINDA Yes. GIRL I'm Carrie Frazier from Toys 'R Us. Judy Hinton from May Company told me I could ask you something. Linda nods. GIRL (CONT'D) I have this situation with my boyfriend, and I wanted to... (looks at Stacy, then whispers in Linda's ear) Linda listens thoughtfully, then clicks into her "sex expert" mode. LINDA Okay, are you over sixteen? The Girl nods. LINDA (CONT'D) All right, what you want to do is go to the Free Clinic and tell the doctor that you have sex regularly - several times a week -- and that you need Nornel One Plus Fifty's. GIRL And they don't call my parents? LINDA Not if you're over sixteen. GIRL Okay. Thanks a lot, Linda. LINDA And don't let them talk you into a diaphragm either. The Girl thanks Linda again. Linda and Stacy get to the back exit of the mall and Linda uses a key to open the door. STACY I can't believe I start high school tomorrow. LINDA Believe it. They exit the mall, into the night. EXT. RIDGEMONT SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY We see all the elements of the first day of school. The students carry new books, explore new lockers, begin to stake out their ground. Someone has taken the steel letters from the green vanguard out front. It reads: "IDG MON SENOR HI HO." The rest of Ridgemont High is covered with toilet paper. And a black spray paint message along the side of the front office building reads, "LINCOLN SURF NAZIS." EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT - DAY Brad pulls into the Ridgemont High parking lot. He drives a beat-up, four-door model LTD sedan. Three friends wait for him near his parking space. They are dressed in the same golf caps with brand logos on the front like CAT, NATIONAL and CHAINSAW. BUDDY #1 Hamilton! BUDDY #2 The cruising vessel! Hey -- Yooooo! Brad climbs out of his car and pats it admiringly. BRAD Six more payments, gentlemen. Brad joins his friends, and they walk towards the gymnasium. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT We see a shiny, new, blue Mustang whip into the parking lot. Students scatter from the parking space. Behind the wheel is football star Charles Jefferson. A huge, black kid. The halls at Ridgemont part for Charles Jefferson. Rat and Damone are in the parking lot. Damone surrounded by underclassmen (customers) selling tickets. DAMONE See that Mustang? U.C.L.A. gave Charles Jefferson that car when he was a sophomore. The underclassmen are impressed. They watch as Jefferson opens his car door and stands to his full height, over six-foot tall. He opens his trunk and pulls out no books, just a football duffel bag. He slowly walks by Damone, Rat and the underclassmen. DAMONE (CONT'D) How ya doing! That car looks great, Charles! Jefferson gives Damone a death glare. JEFFERSON Don't... fuck... with... it. He moves on. Damone resumes selling tickets. DAMONE Shit, that's my man. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT We see a clutching, smooching couple walk by. Cheerleader Cindy Carr and her boyfriend, Gregg Adams. EXT. RIDGEMONT PARKING LOT - DAY The Four Stoners (from Carl's Jr.) tumble out of a van in the parking lot. They head towards the gymnasium. INT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM - DAY Standing by the A-B-C-D-E registration counter in the gymnasium, Brad waits to pick up his red ad card. He stands surrounded by his buddies. They nod vigorously at everything Brad says. As he talks, fellow students all say hello or pat him as they pass. One troubled-looking boy, Arnold, walks up to Brad. ARNOLD Brad, can I talk to you a minute? BRAD Arnold. What's happening? Arnold speaks confidentially to Brad. ARNOLD Brad, I really fuckin' hate McDonald's, man. Ever since they started in with the chicken, everything went downhill. BRAD You want to work at Carl's? ARNOLD Oh, man, if you could swing something there, I'd do anything for you. I want to work with you guys. BRAD I can probably get you in there. Just let me talk to Dennis Taylor. ARNOLD All right!! Brad notices Stacy and nods with complete inner cool. STACY Hi, Brad. BRAD Sis. BRAD'S BUDDIES Hey, Stacy. STACY Hi... Where's Lisa? BRAD Everyone wants to know where Lisa is. How should I know where Lisa is? (to buddies) What am I gonna do? Now my little sister goes to the same high school. The party's over. (to Stacy) So who do you have first period? STACY U.S. History. Mr. Hand. BRAD Hey-yo. DAVID Hey-yoooooooooo. STACY (concerned) What's wrong with Mr. Hand? BRAD Nothing... if you like 'Hawaii Five O.' You better get in class, Stacy. That's not the one to be late to. Stacy hurries off. RICH (as soon as she is gone) Your sister is really turning into a fox. BRAD You should see her in the morning. BRAD'S BUDDIES Hey-yooooooooooo. INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - DAY Stacy barely slips in the door before the final attendance bell sounds. She finds a seat just as the teacher's cubicle door opens at the back of the classroom. A tall figure comes barreling down the aisle. He is Mr. Hand. The man makes a double-speed step to the door at the front of the class, kicks the door shut and locks it. The windows rattle in their frames. Stacy watches, wide-eyed, at her first high school class. MR. HAND Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand. Mr. Hand writes his name on the green chalkboard before his class. Every letter is a small explosion of chalk. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (almost sweetly) I have but one question for you on our first morning 'together.' (pause) Can you attend my class? Pakalo?... Understand?... History has proven us one basic fact. Man does not do anything that is not for his own good. It is for your own good that you attend my class. And if you can't make it... I can make you. An impatient knock begins at the front door of the classroom. MR. HAND (CONT'D) We have a twenty-question quiz every Friday. It will cover all the material we've dealt with during the week. There will be no make-up exams. It's important that you all have your Land of Truth and Liberty textbooks by Wednesday. At the latest. The knock continues. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Your grade is the average of all your quizzes, plus the midterm and final, which counts for one-third. Got it? The mystery knocker tries a lazy calypso beat on the front door. No one in Mr. Hand's U.S. History class dares mention it, much less answer it. Stacy grips her desk with the tension of her first day. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Also. There will be no eating in this class. You get used to doing your own business on your own time. That's one demand I make. I don't like staying after class with you on detention. That's my time. I don't like wasting it. Just like you wouldn't want me to come to your house some evening and discuss U.S. History on your time. Pakalo? Hand finally turns, as if he has just noticed the sound at the door and opens the door an inch. Jeffrey Spicoli stands in the doorway, red eyes glistening. His long, blond hair is still wet and streaming down the back of his white peasant shirt. He grins, oblivious to such trivial matters as attendance bells. A Student sitting near Stacy turns to his friends. STUDENT That guy has been stoned since the third grade. MR. HAND Yes? SPICOLI Yeah. I'm registered for this class. MR. HAND What class? SPICOLI This is U.S. History, right? I saw the globe in the window. MR. HAND (appears enthralled) Really? Spicoli holds his red ad card up to the crack in the door. SPICOLI Can I come in? MR. HAND (swinging door open) Oh, please. I get so lonely when that third attendance bell rings and I don't see all my kids here. Spicoli laughs. He is the only one. SPICOLI Sorry I'm late. This new schedule is totally confusing. Mr. Hand takes the red ad card and reads from it with utter fascination. MR. HAND Mr. Spicoli? SPICOLI That's the name they gave me. Mr. Hand slowly tears the card into little pieces and sprinkles the pieces over his wastebasket. Spicoli watches in disbelief. His hands are frozen in the process of removing his backpack. SPICOLI (CONT'D) You just ripped my card in two! MR. HAND Yes. SPICOLI Hey, bud. What's your problem? Mr. Hand moves to within inches of Spicoli's face. MR. HAND No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is. It takes a moment for the words to work their way out of Jeff Spicoli's mouth. SPICOLI You... dick. In the tense moment that follows, no one in the class is sure what might happen. Mr. Hand simply turns away from Jeff Spicoli as if he ceased to exist and coolly continues his lecture. MR. HAND I've taken the time to print up a complete schedule of class quizzes, and the chapters they cover. Please pass them back to the desks behind you... Hand begins passing out stacks of purple mimeographed sheets. ANGLE ON STUDENTS all smelling the purple mimeographed sheets. Still standing in the doorway, hyperventilating with fifteen-year-old adrenalin, is Jeff Spicoli. After a time, he fishes a few bits of his ad card out of the wastebasket and huffs out of the room. EXT. RIDGEMONT LUNCH COURT - AFTERNOON It's packed. The school's outdoor dining area is actually just a small courtyard lined with fast food machines and dominated by a large oak tree in the center. Standing at the center of lunch court, under the large oak tree, is Brad Hamilton and his golf-cap Buddies. BRAD You hear about the surfer in Mr. Hand's class? His Buddies shake their heads. BRAD (CONT'D) Told Hand to fuck off. BRAD'S BUDDIES Whoa!_ Brad sees another friend pass through lunch court. BRAD Thompson! Brad waits for him to pass. BRAD (CONT'D) I hear Thompson got canned at Bob's this summer. BUDDY #1 Yeah. They hacked his hours, so he quit. BRAD Where is he now? BUDDY #1 Making two eighty at Seven-Eleven. BRAD Man. (pause) They make you wear a fuckin' candy stripe suit over there. BUDDY #2 Poor guy. BRAD Poor guy. EXT. LUNCH COURT - ANGLE ON THE 200 BUILDING BATHROOM near the outer rim of lunch court. Jeff Spicoli comes stumbling out into the daylight, surrounded by a small group of Ridgemont Stoners. Marijuana smoke billows out behind them. STONER BUDDY #1 It was so bitchin', mon. Everybody is talking about it. STONER BUDDY #2 Totally. SPICOLI The motherfucker pissed me off. STONER BUDDY #2 Totally. You don't have to take that shit. SPICOLI I didn't take that shit. They all laugh, flip hair out of their eyes. STONER BUDDY #1 Tell us again. What happened after he ripped up your ad card? SPICOLI I called him a dick. And then I reached for his class notes, and I ripped 'em up. I said, 'Hey bud. Two can play this game.' The Stoners go wild. SPICOLI (CONT'D) I'll tell you this. If he hassles me again, I can't be responsible for what happens... you know why? STONER BUDDY #1 Because he's a fuckin' dick! SPICOLI You got it. (pause) Gimme a dollar. One surfer digs out a dollar for Spicoli. They look out at lunch court, see it teeming with straight kids. They turn and walk towards the parking lot. EXT. LUNCH COURT - ANGLE ON STACY AND LINDA as they walk onto lunch court. They take a seat on the outskirts of the area and watch all the students crowding onto the eating area. LINDA I hear some surfer pulled a knife on Mr. Hand this morning. STACY No way! He just called him a dick. LINDA God. People exaggerate so much at this school. The school couple, Cindy and Gregg walk by. CINDY Hi, Linda. God, you look so great. LINDA Hi, you guys. This is Stacy. Stacy, this is Gregg Adams and Cindy Carr. GREGG AND CINDY Hi, Stacy. Stacy smiles. Gregg and Cindy move on, repeating the same scene a few feet away. LINDA If there's one thing that never changes... it's a cheerleader. Stacy turns to see a girl with short, black hair passing by, wearing tight black spandex pants, and dark lipstick. STACY Linda. That girl looks just like Pat Benatar. LINDA I know. They watch her pass. LINDA (CONT'D) Actually, there are three girls at Ridgemont who have cultivated the Pat Benatar look. Linda gestures out on lunch court. ANGLE ON ANOTHER PAT BENATAR LOOK-ALIKE wearing pink spandex pants and short-cropped black hair with dark lipstick. ANGLE ON STILL ANOTHER PAT BENATAR LOOK-ALIKE wearing blue spandex pants and short black hair. She stands a good distance away from the other two. LINDA (CONT'D) None of them talk to each other. Linda looks at them with bemusement but Stacy is wondering. STACY Do you think guys find that attractive? LINDA Oh, give me a break, Stacy. You're much prettier than them. They sit and eat their lunches. Linda has her perennial diet lunch of yogurt and raw vegetables. STACY Yeah but they look more sophisticated. You'd probably think they'd be better in bed. LINDA What do you mean 'better in bed.' You either do it or you don't. STACY No there are variables that, like, I might not be good at. LINDA What variables? STACY (shyly) Like, you know, giving blow jobs. LINDA What's the big deal? STACY Well I never did it. LINDA There's nothing to it. She takes out a carrot stick and eases it down her throat. Stacv tries one but chokes. LINDA (CONT'D) You just have to practice a little first. (feels her throat) Relax these muscles. Think of your throat as an open tunnel. The girls try sliding the carrot sticks down their throats without gagging. ANGLE ON A BOY at the next table; sees them and points them out to his companions. STACY What happens... don't laugh at me, but when a guy has an orgasm... you know, like, how much comes out. Stacy stops practicing and looks horrified. Linda laughs. LINDA Just kidding. About 10cc. STACY (enlightened) Oh! That's where that group got its name from. They continue practicing as the boys look on. Stacy manages to get almost a whole carrot down her throat to Linda's amazement. The group of boys break out in applause. Stacy looks very embarrassed. INT. BIOLOGY LAB - DAY The class is situated so that all students sit at Bunson burner tables lining the room. Pat is seated at one of the tables and Stacy takes a seat nearby; she looks at the ledge in front of her. It contains a pig embryo. She listens to the conversation next to her. GIRL STUDENT I'll tell you right now. I'm not going. I'll get sick or something. I'm not going into a room with a bunch of dead guys. ARNOLD You'll go. It's part of the final. GIRL STUDENT (a Pat Benatar) Have you heard what they do? I'm serious. Have you heard? BOY STUDENT What? ARNOLD The bodies are dissected, Mike, and Mr. Vargas pulls out parts of the dead body and holds them up. Okay? BOY STUDENT You mean he reaches in and pulls this stuff out? GIRL STUDENT Yes. BOY STUDENT Like a heart? GIRL STUDENT Hearts, lungs, guts... Stacy strains to hear more, just as Mr. Vargas -- a diminutive man holding a coffee mug -- enters the class. MR. VARGAS Good day, everyone! I just switched to Sanka. I'm running a little slow today, so have a heart. ANGLE ON THE RAT He is riveted on Stacy Hamilton, swooning. DISSOLVE TO: INT. STACY'S ROOM - NIGHT We see Stacy's room, a young girl's room with posters and frilly pillows. Stacy is in bed, and her Mother is just leaving the room. MOTHER Sleep tight, Stacy. STACY Good night, Mom. Her Mother shuts off the light, exits. Stacy pulls back the covers. She is fully dressed. EXT. STACY'S WINDOW - NIGHT We see the window to Stacy's room slide slowly open, and watch her slip outside. She hikes down a drainage pipe to the street. EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT A brown MG pulls up. Stacy jumps from the shadows and hops in. The car drives away. INT. RON'S CAR - NIGHT Ron sits behind the wheel, humming casually along to the music on his car stereo. Ron has on a light-brown leather jacket. He looks like a contestant for "The Dating Game." STACY (a little nervous) Thanks for picking me up. RON No problem. He speeds off, turning up the radio to sing along. RON (CONT'D) 'The Cuer-vo Gold, the fi-ine Columbian.' (eyes Stacy) You look nice tonight. STACY Thanks. So do you. RON Where do you feel like going? STACY I don't know. Wherever you want. RON How about the point? STACY (nervously) The point sounds fine. RON (looks at her knowingly) All right, the point it is. We see Stacy's anxious face, as the car speeds up Ridgemont Drive, with music. EXT. THE POINT - NIGHT Stacy and Ron sit in the car, listening to music. The "point" is a natural lookout spot that lovers can "discover." It is behind the baseball field and dugout of Ridgemont High School. Stacy and Ron get out of the car and walk to the baseball dugout. INT. DUGOUT - NIGHT They sit side-by-side. Above them, a single light bulb shines a very private fifty watts on things. STACY That's a nice shirt. RON Thanks. Thanks a lot. Silence. They look at each other, look away. RON (CONT'D) It's very warm out tonight. STACY It is. It's very warm. I wonder how long it will last? Ron leans over and kisses Stacy lightly on the cheek. Stacy sits quietly for a moment, thinking, was that the first move? Then she lunges at Ron and kisses him square on the mouth. At first surprised, Ron then holds her there and kisses her in return. After a time, he breaks away. RON Are you really nineteen? STACY Yes... I am really nineteen. They continue making out. RON I think I better take you home. STACY What about those other guys you live with? RON No. I mean back to your home. But they make no moves in any direction. They continue making out. Ron begins unbuttoning her blouse and massaging Stacy's breasts. A moment later, he tugs at her pants. Awkwardly, she starts to help him. He tilts her backward onto the concrete dugout bench. They kiss feverishly, her hand pulling off her shoes, then her pants. Ron goes to work. RON (CONT'D) (whispers) Is this your first time? STACY Yes. STACY'S POINT OF VIEW as she feels a man enter her for the first time, we see the graffiti above her: Surf Nazis Lincoln was here -- Sieg Heil Led Zeppelin Dan y Roberto (Disco Fags) DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SCHOOL LOCKERS - DAY Stacy is standing by her locker, twirling the combination. She is joined by Linda Barrett. LINDA Was it great? STACY It was okay. I LINDA You'll always remember your first time. STACY It was nice. LINDA So tell me, do you like Ron? Is it serious? STACY Come on, Linda. It's just sex. LINDA Hey! That's my line! They both laugh and walk down the hall. EXT. HAMILTON HOME - LATE AFTERNOON Stacy arrives home. The Hamilton home has that anonymous prepackaged tract look, like many others in this lower-middle class neighborhood. Brad washes his car in the driveway and listens to the car radio. BRAD Mom says to clean up the pool. STACY Why can't you do it? BRAD Your friends use the pool. Your friends messed it up. STACY Your friends use the pool too. BRAD I take out the garbage. STACY Don't strain yourself. Stacy bristles, and heads inside the front door. INT. HAMILTON LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON The furniture in the Hamilton living room looks like it was gleaned for a sale at Pic 'N Save. Through the living room, one can see a very small, kidney-shaped pool. Stacy checks an erasable telephone message sheet near the refrigerator. There are two names on it: BRAD/STACY. Brad's side is filled with messages. Stacy's is empty. She notices a summer bouquet floral arrangement. Stacy reads the attached note. It reads: "Memories of You, Ron Johnson." She quickly gathers it up and carries it back outside. She fans the door several times to dispel the odor. EXT. HAMILTON DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON STACY Brad! Have Mom or Dad seen this? BRAD They're not home yet. STACY Brad, what would you say if I asked you to just put these flowers in the trunk of the Cruising Vessel and get rid of them at work? BRAD I'd say... who the hell is Ron Johnson? STACY I'll explain everything later. Brad nods, as Stacy pushes the flowers into his arms. INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - AFTERNOON Damone expertly fills two glasses three-quarters full of Kahlua, then adds a few drops of milk. Music is playing on a nearby speaker. Damone hands The Rat a drink and checks himself out in his mirror. DAMONE See that moustache coming in, Rat? There is only a hint of peach fuzz, but he grooms it anyway. DAMONE (CONT'D) See? You can almost press it out. Damone turns around. His friend is preoccupied. THE RAT I am in love. Damone takes a sip of his drink, looks at The Rat. DAMONE You... are a wuss. Part wimp. Part pussy. THE RAT What do you mean -- wuss? This girl is my exact type. It's her. Definitely her. DAMONE (distracted) It's definitely your mama. THE RAT Damone, you gotta listen to me. Damone quits puttering around his room with the Kahlua and milk. He grabs a chair and straddles it. DAMONE All right... where did you see her? THE RAT She's in my biology class. DAMONE Did you get her number? THE RAT No. DAMONE Did you get her name? THE RAT No. It's too soon. DAMONE It's never too soon! Girls decide how far to let you go in the first five minutes. THE RAT Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to this strange girl in my biology class and say, 'Hello! I'd like you to take your clothes off and jump on me?' DAMONE (thoughtfully) I would. Yeah. THE RAT Really? DAMONE I can see it all now. This is going to be just like the girl you fell in love with at Fotomat this summer. You bought forty bucks of fuckin' film and you never even talked to her. THE RAT (woeful) You tell me, Mike. What do I do? DAMONE Okay. Okay. (sighs, but loves it) Here's what you do. Damone gets up, moves to the door. DAMONE (CONT'D) You start from the second you walk into biology. Don't just walk... move across the room. He saunters over to the chair. DAMONE (CONT'D) Don't talk to her. Let her know. Use your face. Use your body. Use everything. This is what I do. I just sent out the vibe and I have personally found that... girls do respond. Something happens. THE RAT Of course something happens. You put the vibe out to thirty million chicks, you know something's gonna happen. DAMONE That's the idea, Rat. That's The Attitude. THE RAT The Attitude? The Attitude dictates that you don't care if she comes, stays, lays or prays. Whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. When you are the cruelest and the coolest... then you have The Attitude. Damone knocks down the rest of his drink, and we... DISSOLVE TO: INT. CARL'S JR. KITCHEN - NIGHT We see Brad operating at full throttle in the kitchen, and taking a moment to sneak a kiss with his girlfriend Lisa as she goes to the front counter to open up a cash register. She allows him only one kiss. LISA Were those flowers really for me, Brad? BRAD Of course. LISA How much did they cost? BRAD Don't worry about it. She gives him a kiss... on the cheek. BRAD (CONT'D) Let's go to the Point tonight. She pulls away. LISA What's there to do at the Point? Brad shifts his weight, tries to find the right words. BRAD What's there to do at the Point? God, Lisa, we've been going together almost two years, and... LISA Brad. I don't want to have to use sex as a tool. BRAD Tool? Tool for what? We've been going together almost two years! LISA I don't want to talk about it here, Brad. Brad prepares to respond. He squints his eyes, prepares for a truly sizzling comeback, when Dennis Taylor, short and prematurely balding assistant manager of Carl's Jr., comes bustling out of his back office. He quickly surveys the situation in the kitchen. TAYLOR Hamilton! You have fifteen double cheese to box! Lisa returns to her cashier post, leaving Brad's last words stalled in his mouth. EXT. HAMILTON HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT We see the Hamilton's cul-de-sac home. All the lights are off in the house at this hour. Except for Brad's room. INT. BRAD'S ROOM Brad is alone in his room. He's prone on his neatly made bed, reading a paperback book entitled Power With Class. On the wall of Brad's room is a large framed photo of a Carl's Jr. hamburger. Brad hears a muffled knock at his door. BRAD Come on in. Stacy walks into Brad's room. STACY Thanks for getting rid of those flowers. BRAD Don't worry about it. Who sent the flowers? STACY It's just some guy I met at Swenson's. You don't know him. BRAD I don't care it you tell me or not. I got problems of my own. He begins pacing. STACY Is everything okay at work? BRAD Are you kidding? Work is great. I kill at work. I don't even mind Mom and Dad making me pay rent. STACY You're going to break up with Lisa, aren't you? BRAD I've been doing some thinking. It's my last school year. I'm a single, successful guy. I think I want my freedom. STACY Why? Because she won't sleep with you? BRAD Where did you hear that? STACY I'm just guessing. BRAD Well... it's true. STACY Maybe you just need to give her some time. She's so nice, Brad. Everybody loves Lisa. BRAD Everybody loves Lisa. Everybody loves Lisa. But everybody doesn't have to be her boyfriend. Suddenly, Stacy pops the question. STACY Hey, Brad. Are you still a virgin? BRAD Why? STACY I don't know. I was just curious. BRAD Maybe yes. Maybe no. STACY You are a virgin! BRAD I didn't say that. STACY But your face did! They laugh. Then Brad turns serious. BRAD Are you still a virgin? STACY Maybe yes. Maybe no. BRAD Don't give me that shit! I know you're still a virgin! Stacy smiles and stands up. She playfully slaps her brother on the arm and walks down the hallway to her room. We can see there is less frill and lace in Stacy's room. The junior high paperbacks are gone. There are no dolls in sight. EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - NIGHT Linda and Stacy walk past rows of cars. Stacy stops at a brown MG. STACY There... There's his car. I know he's at work tonight. He hasn't come into Swenson's since he called my house. My mother told him I was still at high school, after I told him I was nineteen. I guess I should tell him I'm fifteen. LINDA Don't you dare, you'll never hear from him again. STACY Does Doug care that you're seventeen? LINDA Doug sees beyond that stuff to what the person inside is like. That's why I'm marrying him. STACY If he ever calls again I'll say I'm eighteen. LINDA Boy I am so glad to be through with all these games. They enter the mall. INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - MORNING We are now several weeks into the school year. Mr. Hand is dropping test papers on desks like they are pieces of manure. MR. HAND C... D... F... F... F... three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people? On dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our daily liv.... Mr. Hand stops on a dime. He is like a champion hunting dog that has just picked up the scent. He scans the room. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Where is Jeff Spicoli? There is silence in the U.S. history classroom. MR. HAND (CONT'D) I saw him earlier today near the 200 Building bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Silence. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Anyone? One student sitting next to Stacy raises his hand. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Yes, Desmond? DESMOND I saw him by the food machines. MR. HAND How long ago? DESMOND Just before class, sir... Mr. Hand snaps his fingers, Hawaii Five-O style. MR. HAND Okay. Bring him in. Desmond hustles out the door. MR. HAND (CONT'D) What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? Mr. Hand begins to pace the aisles as he speaks. Occasionally, for emphasis, he bends down to lecture directly into the students' faces. MR. HAND (CONT'D) There are other teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. (points to attendance clip on the doorway) It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you, you pretend you don't ditch. Who pays the price later? You. Desmond returns to the room with a red-eyed Jeff Spicoli. SPICOLI Hey! Wait a minute! There's no birthday party for me here! MR. HAND Thank you, Desmond. (to Spicoli) What's the reason for your truancy? SPICOLI I couldn't make it in time. MR. HAND (in top form) You mean, you couldn't? Or you wouldn't? SPICOLI I don't know, mon. The food lines took forever. MR. HAND Food will be eaten on your time! (pause) Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this? SPICOLI I don't know. Mr. Hand appears mesmerized. He then turns and heads for the board. He writes in long, large letters as he slams the chalk into the green board. He writes: "I DON'T KNOW". MR. HAND I like that. He stands back and admires it. He turns randomly to Stacy. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Don't you like that, Miss Hamilton? STACY Yes, sir. MR. HAND I really like that too. 'I don't know'... that's nice. 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' 'Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know'. I like that. I think I'm going to leave your words on this board for all my classes to enjoy. Giving you full credit, of course, Mr. Spicoli. We hear the blare of the dismissal bell. Stacy and the other students get up to leave. Spicoli stays in place. He has just figured out a truly bitchin' comeback... and his mouth is forming the first word, when Mr. Hand cuts him off. MR. HAND (CONT'D) You can go now. Hand turns back to his desk. The rest of the students have already left. Spicoli's audience is gone. He shrugs and lopes out the door. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL - AFTERNOON It's Christmas time at the Ridgemont Mall. All three tiers are strung with neon lights, and we hear the sound of the bell-ringing Santas. INT. SWENSON'S - AFTERNOON Stacy and Linda are enjoying a brief lull in the Christmas season madness. They sit at the sundae bar. Stacy looks forlorn, almost red-eyed, as she makes a sundae. LINDA You've got to get used to working Christmas. People are always screaming and yelling... then they get home and they're all Christmasy. STACY I think Christmas brings out the worst in people. LINDA I guess Ron hasn't called yet. STACY Not since November. Linda nods her head, always the coach. LINDA Stacy, it doesn't look good for the relationship. Stacy continues making her ice cream, slapping the scoops onto the stainless steel dish. STACY (sighs) Don't you think it meant anything to him. Even if I am fifteen? LINDA Stacy. What does it matter? He's a stereo salesman. You want to marry him? You want to have kids with him? You want this guy to come home, fifty years old, and he's still got that little Pacific Stereo badge on? Come on. ANGLE ON GREGG AND CINDY who are seated at a back table, feeding each other. Stacy looks at her finished sundae. STACY I should quit this job. I'm going to get so fat working here... nobody will ever take me out. LINDA Stacy. How many times do I have to tell you? You are really going to be beautiful... someday. STACY Thanks a lot. Linda punches Stacy lightly on the shoulder. LINDA Hey -- Ron Johnson? It's his loss. We follow Stacy, as she walks into the dining room to serve the sundae. INT. WHEREHOUSE RECORDS - MALL - DAY We see a group of buzz-cut young toughs, walking in formation, hunched over, sneering and wearing sleeveless U.S. Army fatigue jackets. None of these damaged-looking kids is over the age of fourteen. They pass to reveal this legend on their backs: LINCOLN SURF NAZIS. Angle on Mike Damone and Mark Ratner, who are standing by the upcoming concert list posted on the door to Wherehouse Records. Damone sees the Surf Nazis pass, turns to Mark Ratner, who is still wearing his Cinema Four jacket. DAMONE The business is changing, Rat. I'll tell you, these kids today... they don't even listen to Aerosmith. THE RAT I hear they all dress like that at Lincoln now. DAMONE There used to be three or four of those guys. Now we see 'em every time we come to the mall. Damone is approached by a couple of young ticket Customers. CUSTOMER #1 Got any Blue Oyster Cult tickets? DAMONE No Cult. I ate twenty-four pairs of Blue Oyster Cult tickets last time around. I was this close to working at 7-11. No Cult. Suddenly we see all ticket business stop. Damone and his customers see someone menacingly coming directly for them. The small crowd parts as Charles Jefferson, football duffel bag in hand, walks up. With him is a thick, tough, miniature version of himself. This is Little Charles. They both stop in front of Damone. JEFFERSON (after long look) When is Earth, Wind and Fire coming? DAMONE (respectfully) I'm really not sure. I haven't heard anything yet, but I'll let you know the second there is the slightest news, sir. JEFFERSON I'm taking my little brother. DAMONE Excellent. So that will be two tickets... All right. Fine, sir. Jefferson and L.C. push past the customers. CUSTOMER #2 Wow. He really lives here. I thought he just flew in for the football games. DAMONE (gaining composure) Shit, he's my man. He knows where to come for tickets. Damone turns to The Rat. DAMONE (CONT'D) Well, Rat. Are you ready for the moment of truth? The Rat adjusts his jacket, and nods. THE RAT She is immune to my charms. They walk together towards Swenson's, as The Rat drapes his aqua-blue Cinema Four jacket around his shoulders, like a French film director. Damone walks a few steps, then stops Rat. DAMONE Hey, Rat. THE RAT Yeah? DAMONE Ace the jacket. The Rat considers the suggestion, gets rid of the jacket. They continue towards Swenson's. EXT. SWENSON'S - DAY The Rat pulls open the door to Swenson's. He walks toward the counter to Stacy Hamilton. STACY Hi. May I help you? The Rat feels the beginnings of cold panic, but barges through nonetheless. THE RAT Yes. I have two questions. I was curious... His voice becomes a shade deeper. He begins to pull The Attitude together. THE RAT (CONT'D) What do you do with the jackets people leave here? STACY (smiling) We keep them. THE RAT You keep them. STACY We keep them, in case the people come back. She reaches under the counter and pulls out a cardboard box with some rumbled jackets and other items. STACY (CONT'D) Here they are. You can look through it, if you want. The Rat chuckles to himself, struggling with The Attitude. THE RAT It's cool. It would take too much time to go through all that stuff. I'll just pick up a new one. Stacy smiles. He's obviously awkward, and she likes it. STACY What's your other question? THE RAT My other question is... can-I-have your-phone-number-so-I-can-ask-you out-sometime? To The Rat's surprise, Stacy continues smiling. STACY Do you have a pen? This one's out of ink. THE RAT Oh... yes. He pulls one out of his jacket pocket, gives it to her. Stacy writes her name and phone number on a scrap of paper and gives it to him. The Rat looks at the paper. THE RAT (CONT'D) Stacy. Nice to meet you, Stacy. My name is Mark Ratner. He sticks out his hand, and they shake. We see The Rat turn around and walk out of Swenson's. EXT. SWENSON'S - AFTERNOON The Rat exits with ultimate cool. He sees Damone waiting just off to the side, talking to some girls. The Rat nods, gives him the thumbs-up. Damone returns the gesture. All-Attitude. EXT. CARL'S JR. - MORNING Carl's is happening tonight. There are lots of kids inside. We hear charging rock music -- "Girls Got Rhythm" by AC/DC -- coming from a radio in the back kitchen. INT. CARL'S JR. BATHROOM - MORNING Inside the bathroom, Brad Hamilton applies the Carl's scrub brush to a felt tip graffiti message near the mirror: I EAT BIG HAIRY PUSSY. He pauses and catches himself in the mirror. He adjusts his hair. BRAD (talking to mirror) Lisa? I have something to tell you. Look, I'm a senior now. I'm a single, successful guy and I've got to be fair to myself. Lisa... I think I need my freedom. Brad pauses, looks at the mirror soulfully. BRAD (CONT'D) Aw, don't do that... don't take it personally, okay? Please? I knew you'd understand, because... The bathroom door opens -- it's Arnold, the boy who Brad got a job. ARNOLD Brad! I know you're on your break, but would you cover me on register three? Brad nods, exits: INT. CARL'S JR. COUNTER Brad stands at the register. We see a prominent display over Brad's head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST. The last of many harried businessmen customers gets his breakfast order and takes his seat. Brad is joined by Dennis Taylor, the Assistant Manager. DENNIS Come on. Clean that counter off Brad. Let's go. Play ball. BRAD Okay, Dennis. Brad begins polishing the counter and Dennis Taylor returns to his office at the back of the kitchen. Brad watches him disappear behind the door that says: ASSISTANT MANAGER. As soon as Dennis disappears behind the door, the one Businessman in the place rises and returns to the counter. BRAD (CONT'D) (nervously) May I help you? The Businessman has short, curly brown hair. He speaks in a whine. BUSINESSMAN Yes. This is not the best breakfast I ever ate. The Businessman points to the huge display over Brad's head: TRY OUR 100% GUARANTEED BREAKFAST. BUSINESSMAN (CONT'D) And I want my money back. Brad begins searching under the counter. BRAD Well, I believe you have to fill out a form. There's a pad right around here. BUSINESSMAN No. I want my money back right now. BRAD Well, that's not the way it works, really. And you ate most of your food already, too... BUSINESSMAN See that sign? It says 100% Money Back Guarantee. Do you know the meaning of the word 'guarantee'? Do they teach you that here? Give me my money back. Brad begins looking to the restroom. "Where's Arnold?" BRAD I can't do that. But if you wait a minute... BUSINESSMAN (as if talking to a kindergartner) Look. Just put your little hand back in the cash register and give me my $2.75 back. Okay? (looks at name tag) Please, Brad? BRAD I'm sorry, sir. Just let me find the forms here. BUSINESSMAN I am so tired. I am so tired of dealing with morons. How hard is it to... Brad looks up from under the counter. No amount of pay will make him take that kind of insult. BRAD Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass. BUSINESSMAN Manager!! "Bam!" The door to the Assistant Manager's office swings open, and Dennis comes hurtling out of the back. DENNIS Can I help you, sir? Is there a problem? BUSINESSMAN You bet there's a problem! Your employee used profanity and threatened me with violence! I'm shocked, frankly. I've eaten here many times and I've always enjoyed the service -- until today! Angle on bathroom door as it opens and Arnold starts towards the register. He quickly sees the incident with the irate Businessman and ducks back inside the bathroom. BUSINESSMAN (CONT'D) All I wanted was my money back for this breakfast. It was a little undercooked. And this young man threatened me. Now I plan to write a letter! I plan to... Dennis wheels around to Brad. DENNIS Did you threaten this man or use profanity in any way? BRAD He insulted me first. He called me a moron. DENNIS Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way? BRAD Yes, sir. DENNIS You're fired. Brad looks around, expecting his friends to defend him. Dave and Rich seem very occupied with their work. Brad is stunned. DENNIS (CONT'D) (to Businessman) I'm very sorry this happened to you, sir. BUSINESSMAN Thank you very much. Then Brad unhooks his fryer's apron and throws it on the counter. He grabs a backpack and walks out of the place. On the way, he bangs the bathroom door with his fist. BRAD I hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BRAD'S ROOM - DAY He arrives back in his room and locks the door. He yanks the burger picture off his wall, dumps it into the trash. Then he takes it back out of the trash and cracks the cardboard picture and plastic frame in half. DARKNESS We are in the middle of a deep, dark void. After a moment, a pinprick of light appears in the distance. We head towards the light. We are being led somewhere important. As we draw still closer, curtains suddenly part to reveal a wildly cheering studio audience. We hear the voice of Merv Griffin. MERV GRIFFIN (O.S.) Will you please give a warm welcome to... Jeff Spicoli! The Merv Griffin Show band begins playing a Merv Griffin Show version of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell". Someone hands Jeff Spicoli a microphone. He works the studio audience into a frenzy as he sings the words to "Highway to Hell": Merv Griffin show style. SPICOLI (singing) 'Layin' ladies! Drinkin' wine! You gotta dollar -- You're a friend of mine! Gettin' loose! Feelin' fine! You and me -- It's get down time! We're on the Highway to Hell! The Highway to Hell!' Spicoli finishes up with a spectular pump. The audience goes wild as Merv Griffin greets him warmly, and guides Spicoli to his seat. Spicoli motions for the cheers to die down. Griffin is obviously happy to see him. He touches Spicoli's arm lightly. GRIFFIN How've you been? SPICOLI Outrageous, Merv. Nice to be here. I feel great. GRIFFIN I was going to say... your eyes look a little red. SPICOLI I've been swimming, Merv. The audience howls. It's a famous Spicoli line. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Seriously, Merv, everything is great. I was thinking about picking up some hash this weekend, maybe going up to the mountains. GRIFFIN (concerned) I wanted to talk a little bit about school, if I could... SPICOLI School. (sighs) School is no problem. All you have to do is go to get the grades. And if you know something, all you have to do is go about half the time. GRIFFIN How often do you go? SPICOLI I don't go at all. The audience is howling again. He is Merv's favorite guest. GRIFFIN I hear you brought a film clip with you. Do you want to set it up for us? SPICOLI Well, it pretty much speaks for itself. Peter, you want to run with it? EXT. A MASSIVE WAVE - DAY The film clip begins. It is a mammoth wave cresting against the blue sky. SPICOLI (V.O.) Merv, this is the action down at Sunset Cliffs at about six in the morning. GRIFFIN (V.O.) Fascinating. A tiny figure appears at the foot of the wave. GRIFFIN (CONT'D) Who's that? SPICOLI That's me, Merv. The audience gasps. GRIFFIN (V.O.) Are you going to ride that wave? SPICOLI Totally. We watch as Spicoli catches the perfect wave, and it hurtles him through a turquoise tube of water. GRIFFIN What's going through your mind right here, Jeff? The danger of it all? SPICOLI Merv, I'm thinking... I've only got about four good hours of surfing left before these little clowns from junior high start showing up with their boogie boards. The audience is howling once again... when suddenly we hear the loud noise of a door opening, followed by a shrill voice. It is Spicoli's eight-year-old brother, Curtis. Jeff Spicoli's dream of glory evaporates. INT. SPICOLI'S TRAILER HOME - MORNING It is a messy trailer, part of a trailer park by the sea. Spicoli's area is small, but he has made it his own. The walls are covered with posters, almost all of them naked centerfolds. It is obvious Spicoli's parents are not welcome in his room. CURTIS Dad says you have to get up! SPICOLI Ugh. He groans, starts to struggle out of bed. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Leave me alone! CURTIS Dad says you're late again, you butthole! SPICOLI Leave me alone. CURTIS Dad says! Spicoli reaches over to the floor next to his bed. He pulls a snorkel from the mess, heaves it at the door and his little brother. It bounces off the wall and doesn't even hit Curtis, but the kid starts crying anyway. CURTIS (CONT'D) Daaaaaaaad! Jeff threw a snorkel at me!!!!!! Spicoli gets out of bed, groans again, and kicks the door shut. EXT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM celebrating the big game with rival Lincoln High School. We see Jeff Spicoli stumble from the direction of the parking lot. He heads into the gym, which is already full for a mandatory assembly. INT. GYMNASIUM - DOORWAY - DAY Spicoli wanders into the assembly, takes a seat on a corner bleacher. He sits just below Brad Hamilton and Lisa. On podium in front of assembly, Cindy Carr and another cheerleader, Dina Phillips, are making a presentation before the school. CINDY I just want to say that we are not 'Spirit Bunnies' anymore. We always hated that name. It bugged the heck out of Dina and me... DINA It's just such a put down. CINDY They don't call the Chess Club 'Checker Champs' or anything like that. We're going to go to everything this year, you guys. We're going to go to soccer, wrestling, basketball... everything. We know you've got a lot of spirit! Everybody -- riiiiiight? And we're gonna destroy Lincoln next week? Riiiiiiight? ANGLE ON THE STUDENTS OF RIDGEMONT They don't respond. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI who is asleep in the bleachers. ANGLE ON BRAD AND LISA sitting nearby. We hear them over the drone of the assembly. BRAD Man, I don't even want to see those guys from Carl's again. LISA If you'd apologize I think Dennis would take you back. BRAD Apologize to that wimp? No way. Fuck Dennis Taylor. They sit in silence for a moment. BRAD (CONT'D) I'm just glad we're still together, Lisa, because I need you this year. LISA (sighs) Look, Brad, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you this. We're almost out of high school, this is our last year. I think we owe it to ourselves to be free, and meet some new people. Then, if we get back together, we'll know it's the right thing. TIGHT ANGLE ON BRAD'S FACE as he accepts the news. LISA (O.S.) (CONT'D) But I still want to be friends. TIGHT ANGLE ON BRAD'S FACE as it falls slack. INT. GYM - PODIUM IN FRONT OF ASSEMBLY CINDY We're going to be going to every game this year. We just want the crowd to participate and we want spirit from every little person in this entire school. Allll-Riiiight? There is unenthusiastic, minor applause from the assembled students of Ridgemont High. Vice Principal Ray Connors, a tough-looking man with an H.R. Haldeman crew cut, approaches the podium. He has a sour look on his face. CONNORS Well, thank you, girls. People, don't forget, the big game is one week away. We'll see everybody back here on Monday and have a good weekend. For the first time during this assembly, there is a loud and hearty applause. A GRAINY HIGH SCHOOL FILM 57 We are suddenly watching a movie shown on a class projection screen. We see footage of a serene, middle-class neighborhood -- as seen through the glass windshield of a car. Judging from the other vehicles parked on the street, the film is from the early Sixties. We hear the narrative voice of Desi Arnaz, speaking in his inimitable Latin accent. ARNAZ Driving ess an important part of each and every one of our da-ily lives. Ees a responsibility like no o-ther and ess a matter of life and... A ball comes rolling out into the serene street. A small child runs out after it. The driving of our vehicle brakes, but not in time. The film freeze frames on the terrified face of a child about to be splattered. ARNAZ (CONT'D) Death. There is a swell of dramatic music. ARNAZ (CONT'D) They have foun'... The Braking Point. The words flash on the screen and we hear a high school Driver's Training class groan in mock horror. INT. DRIVER TRAINING CLASS - DAY ANGLE ON CHARLES JEFFERSON AND BRAD HAMILTON who are seated in this class. ANGLE ON LINDA AND STACY sitting together in the class. They are oblivious, lost in conversation. STACY What do you think of that guy who works at the theatre? You know, Mark Ratner. LINDA Oh, come on. What is he? Fifteen? STACY Sixteen. Linda looks nauseous. LINDA Just watch out if he pulls up in a van, and then puts on a Led Zeppelin tape. INT. DRIVER TRAINING CLASS The film returns to another serene street scene as seen through another front windshield. ARNAZ The driver here has had jus' two drinks. Two drinks at the home of a frien'. We hear the very-present sounds of Driver's Training students. STUDENT #1 He's fucked-up, Ricky! STUDENT #2 They guys a drunk, Ricky! ARNAZ And although this driver thinks he ees drivin' well, he may be 'doing okay, but he forgets to per-ceive what ees real goin' on... In the film, another car comes barreling from the left, running a stop sign and exploding into the side of the two-drink goner. In the class, the Driver's Training students are howling. EXT. RIDGEMONT MALL - EARLY EVENING The parking lot is full. Kids and shoppers stream through the entrance in groups of all sizes. INT. RIDGEMONT MALL All three levels are teeming with kids. ANGLE ON THE VIDEO PINBALL ARCADE where we see Jeff Spicoli manning the Missile Command machine. Spicoli wears a red bandana across his forehead. A cigarette dangles from his mouth. He is surrounded by a fleet of young surfers who listen to him with reverence. SPICOLI Be noble. Be aggressive. The thing about Missile Command is to decimate before you can be decimated. Just like in real life. The youngsters hang on every word of the sage advice. ANGLE ON A GANG OF SURF NAZIS walking in formation. ANGLE ON MIKE DAMONE AND MARK RATNER walking the mall. DAMONE Check it out, Rat. The Surf Nazis... out for a Sunday stroll. Damone and The Rat walk on. The Rat is barely interested. He appears deep in thought. THE RAT What do I say after she gets in the car? Damone, obviously in his element here at the mall, stops to flash a winning smile at a well-built older housewife. DAMONE No problem, Rat. What you need is my special Five Point Plan. As he talks, Damone passes a Country Farms shop. He plucks a free sample of cheese and sausage. THE RAT Knock it off, Damone. I need real help. DAMONE What do you mean? Men have died trying to obtain this information. I will give it to you for free. The Rat and Damone continue on. THE RAT Okay. Tell me. What's the Five Point Plan? DAMONE All right. Pay attention. The Rat nods, always the student, as they pass a Wherehouse Record store. Damone stops right in front of a seductively posed life-sized cardboard stand-up of Debbie Harry, the alluring rock singer. Damone begins his speech. DAMONE (CONT'D) First of all, Rat... never let on how much you like a girl. Damone turns to the cardboard cutout of Debbie Harry to demonstrate. DAMONE (CONT'D) (disinterested) Oh. Hi. (turns back to The Rat) ) Two. Always call the shots. He turns to Debbie Harry, who looks on with an inviting cardboard smile. DAMONE (CONT'D) Kiss me. (to The Rat) Three. Act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. (to Debbie Harry; debonair) ) Isn't this great? (to The Rat) Four. When ordering food, find out what she wants and then order for both of you... it's a classy move. (to Debbie Harry; Cary Grant) And the lady will have... (to The Rat) Five. And this is most important. When you get down to making out, whenever possible, put on the first side of Led Zeppelin IV. (to Debbie Harry; seductive) Why don't you put this tape on? It sounds great in the back of my van... why don't we listen from there? ANGLE ON DEBBIE HARRY with the same inviting smile. DAMONE (CONT'D) And that is how you talk to a girl, Rat. Voila. You can't miss. THE RAT I think I've got it. Once I get going, I'll be okay. But... how do I get started? I mean, I hardly know her. DAMONE You wuss. It's no problem. One person says something to the other and that's how it starts... Standing there in the front of the Wherehouse, The Rat nods his head and smiles. He's finally beginning to understand, and we... CUT TO: EXT. THE RAT'S CAR - LATER THAT NIGHT We see The Rat behind the wheel of a green Volvo. Stacy sits beside him. They are driving the streets of Ridgemont. INT. THE RAT'S CAR This is it. The Big Date. "Led Zeppelin IV" is on the car stereo of his sister's van. Finally... STACY Thanks for coming to get me. THE RAT Sure thing. Silence. EXT. THE RAT'S CAR He rounds the corner of Luna Street, off the neon fast-food stand that is Ridgemont Drive. INT. THE RAT'S CAR Yet another silence has fallen. Then, after a time... STACY This is a nice car. THE RAT Yeah. It's my sister's. Silence. STACY Do you have Mrs. George for English? THE RAT Yeah. She is pretty good. STACY Yeah. She is pretty good. EXT. ATLANTIS RESTAURANT - NIGHT They pull into the parking lot of a steak and lobster house called The Atlantis. THE RAT Joey at Cinema Four said this is a pretty good restaurant. STACY I've heard that, too. The Rat finds a parking spot near the back of the lot, grateful that the long silence is over. He walks with Stacy to the front of The Atlantis. INT. THE ATLANTIS - NIGHT The Rat and Stacy are escorted by the host to a nearby table. They are given large wooden menus. THE RAT Do you know what you want? STACY I think I'll have the Seafood Salad Special. THE RAT Excellent. The Rat leans back in the booth. He is starting to feel in control now. Then something hits him. The panic sweeps across his face. Slowly, The Rat reaches back to check his wallet. It's gone. STACY Are you all right? THE RAT (weakly) Oh yeah. Cool. Cool was the name of the game. Stay cool. THE RAT (CONT'D) Do you mind if I excuse myself for a moment? STACY Not at all. Just as The Rat is about to get up, the Waitress approaches the table. WAITRESS Are you ready to order here? THE RAT Well... sure. (settles back down) She will have the Seafood Salad Special. And I will have... the same. WAITRESS Anything to drink? THE RAT Two Cokes. WAITRESS Okay. Thanks. The Rat gets back up again, looking paler by the minute. He excuses himself and walks over to the pay phone by the Atlantis toilets. The Rat dials a number. Damone answers. INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - NIGHT He is sitting in a chair, leaning onto the back two legs, watching television. DAMONE Yo. THE RAT (V.O.) Damone. It's Mark. DAMONE Mark. What happened to your date? THE RAT It's happening right now. I'm here at the Atlantis. Everything's fine except... I left my wallet at home. DAMONE Did you go home and get it? THE RAT No. It's too late. The food is coming and everything. Damone, I've got to ask you this favor, and I'll never ask you for anything again in this lifetime or any other. Will you please borrow your mom's car, go by my house, get my wallet, and meet me back here? There is silence. THE RAT (CONT'D) Damone, are you there? DAMONE (world-weary sigh) I'm really pretty busy... ANGLE ON DAMONE'S TELEVISION as we see the flickering images of Leave It To Beaver. DAMONE (CONT'D) You owe me for this one. INT. ATLANTIS The Rat hangs up, mildly relieved, and returns to the table. DISSOLVE TO: INT. STACY AND THE RAT'S TABLE - AN HOUR LATER The Rat and Stacy have finished the meal, and desert. ANGLE ON THE CHECK as it sits in a little tray before The Rat. The Waitress approaches the table. It is clear she wants to make room for other customers and bigger tips. WAITRESS Are you sure there's nothing else I can bring you? THE RAT I'll have one more Coke... Do you want another Coke, Stacy? STACY (quizzical) ) Sure. I'll... have another Coke. THE RAT Two more Cokes. WAITRESS (sarcastic) Two... more... Cokes. ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR as Mike Damone finally walks in. Damone looks over the diners, then feigns great surprise when he sees The Rat. DAMONE Hey, Mark. Is that you? THE RAT Damone! You come here? DAMONE I come for the seafood. It's great! Hey... you know what, Mark? I found your wallet the other day. You want it back? THE RAT Wow. I've been looking for that thing! Hey, Damone, have you met Stacy Hamilton? Stacy, this is Mike Damone. Stacy smiles politely, with the slightest sparkle in her eye, as the Waitress returns with the two Cokes. DAMONE Well, I've gotta be running. THE RAT Okay. See ya. ANGLE ON STACY looking strangely at the proceedings. DAMONE Nice to meet you, Stacy. STACY Nice to meet you. Damone leaves. The Rat takes a few quick gulps of Coke, and gets up to pay the bill. As he moves out of camera range, we see the strange look on the faces of waitresses and diners. INT. THE RAT'S CAR - LATE EVENING The Rat pulls up to Stacy's house in the cul-de sac. He stares straight ahead, like a zombie. THE RAT I had a really nice time tonight. STACY Me, too. I'm real sorry someone broke in and stole your tape deck. The Rat nods glumly. THE RAT I never thought it would happen at The Atlantis. Jeez. STACY Do you want to come inside? THE RAT Aren't your parents asleep? STACY No, they're away for the weekend. Brad and I are watching the house. THE RAT Okay. Sure. I'll come in. We see a confused but interested look on The Rat's face. INT. THE HAMILTON HOUSE - EVENING They walk in the front door. The Rat stands uncomfortably in the doorway to the living room. THE RAT Where's your brother? STACY I don't know. Probably out. Want something to drink? THE RAT No. That's okay. STACY Well, I'm going to change real quick. I hope you don't mind. THE RAT Naw. I don't mind. Stacy turns her back and pulls up her hair. STACY Will you unzip me? ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE as the wheels inside his mind start to spin. This can't be what it seems. He unzips Stacy, past her bra, down to the small of her back. It's the first time he's ever done anything like that. STACY (CONT'D) Thanks! She walks down the hall to her room, easing out of her dress as she walks. She leaves the door to her room open. STACY (CONT'D) You can come in, if you want! ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE He is completely unsure of himself, as he begins to walk down the hall. His heart pounds into his throat. He turns the corner and steps into Stacy's room. INT. STACY'S ROOM - NIGHT Stacy stands there, looking gorgeous in an almost seethrough white robe. The Rat pretends not to notice. THE RAT So... pretty nice house you've got here. STACY Thanks. So... (puts hands on hips) What do you want to do? ANGLE ON THE RAT'S FACE as he struggles with the memory of Damone's words. "Always call the shots." THE RAT I don't know. STACY Do you want to see some pictures? I kept a lot of scrapbooks and pictures and stuff from junior high. How stupid, right? THE RAT Sure. Stacy goes to her closet, reaches up to grab the books from the top shelf. The Rat watches her robe slip up her legs. Then she sits down next to him. Her knee grazes his. It is almost too much for The Rat. Go for it. We see The Rat struggle with the action of putting his arm around her. He almost does, but then reacts as she says suddenly... STACY This is me in the eighth grade. Did you have Mr. Deegan? THE RAT (looking pained) Oh, yeah. I had Mr. Deegan. Her knee grazes him again. Does she expect something? THE RAT (CONT'D) Look, Stacy, I want you to know that... The Rat struggles. Try as he might, he can't seem to cross the line. He can't make his move. He is woeful as he completes the sentence. THE RAT (CONT'D) ... I've got to go home. STACY Do you really have to go? THE RAT Well... it's getting kind of late. Suddenly, The Rat is seized with ambition. He reaches one hand around her right shoulder and plants the other hand directly on her left breast. It looks something like a wrestling hold. The Rat looks at Stacy. Stacy looks back at The Rat. The Rat is absolutely frozen. STACY I guess it is getting late, Mark. She shrugs him off, walks him to the door. EXT. THE HAMILTON HOME - NIGHT We see The Rat's forlorn face as he trudges towards his car. He stops. He takes a breath -- it wasn't that late, he really didn't want to leave. The Rat turns and begins walking back up the Hamilton steps. Just as he does so, Stacy's bedroom light clicks off. It was too late. He kicks at his car. THE RAT You blew it, asshole. Behind him, recklessly speeding towards Ridgemont Drive, is Charles Jefferson's blue Mustang. EXT./INT. THE BLUE MUSTANG - NIGHT Jeff Spicoli is behind the wheel. Sitting next to him is Little Charles, "L.C.", Jefferson's younger brother. They're smoking grass and holding Lowenbrau beers in between their legs. The radio is blasting the music of Rick James. L.C. Hey, slow down. This is my brother's car. SPICOLI I thought he was out of town. L.C. He is. SPICOLI Then don't hassle it. They speed off down Ridgemont. L.C. Seen the new Playboy? SPICOLI Naw. Any good? L.C. Suzanne Somers' tits. SPICOLI All right. L.C. I like sex. Spicoli sees something in the rearview mirror. SPICOLI Hold your beer down, L.C., I think it's a cop. Spicoli slows down. The car behind him slows down. SPICOLI (CONT'D) This is a cop. He's definitely cruising me at busting distance. The high beams switch on behind Spicoli. SPICOLI (CONT'D) What the fuck is this guy doing? The car behind Spicoli then advances to the point where it is now almost touching the blue Mustang. SPICOLI (CONT'D) What the fuck is this guy doing? L.C. This ain't no cop. The mystery car bumps them lightly from behind. L.C. (CONT'D) Hey! He's gonna scratch my brother's car! The two boys start yelling. High beams fill the Mustang with bright light and... EXT./INT. MUSTANG AND GRANADA Then mystery car pulls back, then up alongside Spicoli and L.C. on the left. We hear the music on the radio of George Thoroughgood's "Ride On, Josephine". SPICOLI It's a bunch of Jocks in a Granada! L.C. They're fuckin' with us. The drivers of the two cars eye each others. Then the Granada begins inching over, trying to force Spicoli off the road. L.C. (CONT'D) My brother's car! SPICOLI All right. Die, Granada Jocks! Spicoli guns ahead, in a real bullet move, and easily overtakes the Granada. Spicoli is proud of himself. He checks himself out in the rearview and turns to L.C. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Would you roll your window up, L.C.? It's messing my hair. Spicoli pulls way ahead of the Granada, while L.C. rolls his window up. Spicoli looks over to L.C. and smiles wickedly. Now Spicoli wants to show off. He pushes the pedal to the floor. L.C. We just missed the turnoff to the party. SPICOLI You know the thing I love about Mustangs? The steering wheel. Spicoli fingers the bubbles in the wheel. SPICOLI (CONT'D) With a genuine Mustang steering wheel, you can negotiate a hairpin turn with ease, my man. EXT./INT. MUSTANG on the word "ease", Spicoli curls his finger into one of the Mustang steering wheel bubbles and whips it clockwise. The idea is to turn off onto a side street and head back to the party. But instead, at the moment of the hairpin turn, L.C. is attempting to switch the radio station. Spicoli crooks his finger farther into the bubble than he expected. The car swings in a complete circle, a circle that includes a bright yellow fire hydrant. The hydrant rips the side of the car open like a can of tuna. There is a silent moment of terror. SPICOLI Are you okay? There is silence. Outside the smashed car, the Granada Jocks pass Spicoli and L.C. GRANADA JOCKS Fuck youuuuuuuuuu! Then L.C. stirs and utters his first words. L.C. My brother is going to kill us. He's gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill us. SPICOLI Just be glad you're all right. L.C. My brother is gonna shit. SPICOLI Make up your mind. Is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us? L.C. First he's gonna shit. And then he's gonna kill us.. SPICOLI Will you just relax, mon? He's not gonna kill us. My father is a television repairman. He's got all kinds of tools. I can fix-this car. L.C. You can't fix this car, Spicoli. ANGLE ON THE BLUE MUSTANG waffled and mangled. It is just inches away from scrap iron. SPICOLI I can fix it. MONTAGE OF SHOTS as we see Ridgemont High gearing up for its big Homecoming Game against Lincoln. We see a series of shots of kids talking about it, wagering on the chances of a Ridgemont victory. We see the many signs and placards all over school, proclaiming Ridgemont revenge. We see students lining up to vote for Homecoming King and Queen in the gymnasium. It is the most spirit that Ridgemont has shown this year. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT SCHOOL - FLAGPOLE - DAY From the back of the parking lot, we see a crowd around the flagpole. A group of kids are staring at something. They sadly shake their heads at the sight, as if they are witnessing a funeral. As we draw closer, we see the center of commotion. It is an ugly sight. Someone had wrecked Charles Jefferson's Blue Scholarship Mustang and welded it to the flagpole. Spray-painted on the side was the message: LINCOLN SURF PUNKS RULE. EXT. RIDGEMONT BLEACHERS - NIGHT The Ridgemont football bleachers are full of cheering students. We see the same basic groups from lunch court, and many more. The cheerleaders are on the field -- Cindy Carr, Dina Phillips and company -- and their cheerleader "husbands" sit directly in front of them in the stands. Linda and Stacy sit in the bleachers with some of the Swenson's girls. The Rat and Damone sit several rows above them, watching. The teachers sit together in another section. ANGLE ON BRAD HAMILTON who is again sitting alone in the bleachers. Watching. Several old lunch court friends pass by, on their way to the concession area. STUDENT #1 Hey, Brad! How's going? BRAD All right. STUDENT #2 Where you working? BRAD Fish and chips place. STUDENT #1 Which one? BRAD Just a fish and chips place. Brad says nothing more. The students look at each other. STUDENTS We'll be seeing you, Brad! BRAD (sullen) Later. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - THE GAME - NIGHT Everyone is cheering the amazing game on the field. Charles Jefferson is poised on the offensive line. He mutters a string of obscenities at the opposing Lincoln player. The ball is snapped, and Charles Jefferson comes directly at the player with both elbows up and angled to hit inside his helmet. The Lincoln player is hit and keels over. Charles Jefferson sets up for another play. The ball is snapped. Ka-boom. Down falls another Lincoln player. Jefferson doesn't know who it was who wrecked his Mustang, but he wasn't about to spare any of them. There is pure madness in his eyes. It has taken him over. The Ridgemont points rack up. Jefferson is single handedly maiming Lincoln for Homecoming. EXT. RIDGEMONT BLEACHERS - NIGHT We see Jeff Spicoli and L.C. sitting calmly in the bleachers, watching. SPICOLI I think we may have gotten away clean. EXT. FIELD AND SCOREBOARD The half-time gun fires and the score is 36-7... Ridgemont. Even the Ridgemont players steer clear of Charles Jefferson as they return to their locker room. EXT. THE HAMILTON POOL - HOT AFTERNOON - SEVERAL WEEKS LATER Linda and Stacy are sitting by the pool, dressed in string tie bathing suits. They are listening to the music of Tom Petty's "Breakdown" playing on the living room stereo. Linda luxuriously applies suntan lotion to her chest and legs, in long and writhing strokes. Stacy reads a book. It's called Total Orgasm. Several beats pass. LINDA I sent a letter to Doug today. I'll be so glad when he gets out here. STACY (engrossed in book) You really ought to look at this, Linda. There's a drawing on every page... and all these quizzes. It's like school. LINDA Why don't you put your mother's secret book back? Linda continues regally applying lotion. STACY Listen to this... 'What are your mate's three most erogenous zones?' LINDA (automatic) Okay, penis, that's one, balls... STACY Wouldn't penis and balls be the same category? LINDA You're right. Probably penis, mouth and neck. STACY All right! Here's another one. 'The most satisfactory lovemaking occurs when your mate climaxes first, you climax first, you and your mate climax together?' LINDA Climax together. STACY Does that ever happen? LINDA No. But it's a nice idea. STACY Listen to this ... it says 'Most women derive pleasure from sex, but they don't have real orgasms.' Linda stops applying lotion, considers that thought. LINDA Well... they obviously don't know about Doug. They laugh. Linda resumes applying the lotion. Stacy continues reading the book. A couple of beats pass. STACY How long does Doug take? LINDA I don't know. Thirty to forty minutes. STACY (pause) What's Doug do in Chicago? LINDA He works for the airline. He'll be out here. You'll meet him. Stacy looks at Linda, almost disbelieving. LINDA (CONT'D) (wistful) He's no high school boy. There is a noise by the side fence leading into the Hamiltons' backyard. It is Mark Ratner and Mike Damone. They are already wearing swimsuits. DAMONE Hey! We came over to help you with Math homework! STACY Oh, really? THE RAT Really. We figured you needed the help. On such a hot day. Stacy quickly stashes the book in a stack of towels beside her. She leans over to Linda and speaks confidentially. STACY What do you think? LINDA I think they're both virgins. Stacy smiles, gets up and goes over to the fence. STACY I didn't ask for any help. Did you, Linda? LINDA No. DAMONE Well, that's exactly why I brought some Wisk for the jacuzzi. STACY O-kay, you guys can come swimming. But you have to leave as soon as my Mom gets home. Okay? EXT. HAMILTON POOL Mike Damone yells "banzai!" and dives into the small pool. At one end of the pool is the jacuzzi, which is separated by a tile wall. Damone has already poured the Wisk into the jacuzzi, and the detergent has created a huge bubble bath effect. Damone surfaces and flips into the jacuzzi. Stacy, looking great in a green bikini, sits kicking her legs by the side of the pool. Linda stands on the board. She is poised to dive. The Rat treads water and stares at both girls. Inside the Hamilton living room, the family stereo plays the music of Deep Purple's "Woman From Tokyo". DAMONE Hey, Linda! I'll judge your dive. I'm a champion diver myself. Brad arrives home by the side gate and slams it behind him. He is home from a bad day at work. He walks out onto the patio and stands with his hands on his hips. For the first time, our former campus hero looks absurd. He is still in his uniform from Captain Kidd Fish and Chips -- it is a blue and white striped Pirates of the Caribbean outfit, complete with black plastic sword at the side, and a ridiculously large Ponce de Leon-esque hat. Brad carries the hat under his arm. BRAD Does Mom know you have company? STACY It's just Linda. And Mark from school. Brad ignores the underclassmen, and notices Linda on the board in her maroon bikini. He smiles. BRAD Hi, Linda. LINDA Hi, Brad. BRAD Well, you guys, keep it down. I've got some work to do upstairs. Brad turns and heads back inside. He is just out of earshot when they begin talking about him. LINDA God, he hardly even talks anymore. STACY I know. He hates to have to wear uniforms. DAMONE Poor guy. THE RAT Really. Stacy breaks the spell by jumping into the water, surfacing, and flipping over the tile wall into the Jacuzzi. She sits next to Damone, looking mischievous. ANGLE ON DAMONE AND STACY IN THE JACUZZI talking while the others are at the other end of the pool. ANGLE ON THE RAT casually catching sight of them together from the other side of the pool. We can read the emotions on The Rat's face. He is still taken with Stacy, but his big moment for her appears to have passed. ANGLE ON DAMONE AND STACY IN THE JACUZZI as they talk. Underneath the water, her leg accidentally knocks against his. Then he feels her continue. Damone feels Stacy's cool hand on his inner thigh. Moving upwards, stopping just short of the bulge in his trunks. ANGLE ON DAMONE'S FACE as it loosens and quivers just the slightest bit. This is uncharted territory, even for Mr. Attitude. ANGLE ON LINDA who is now sunning herself by the side of the pool. She rubs her legs against each other, slowly, enjoying the hot afternoon. EXT. BRAD'S WINDOW - ANGLE ON BRAD who is watching Linda from the window in his room. We see him from behind, peeking out the curtains. EXT. POOL - ANGLE ON LINDA who smiles at Damone and flips back into the pool with a splash. Damone steals a look down at his swimsuit. He's popped a big one. THE RAT Why don't you get up and do a dive, Mike? LINDA Go ahead. ANGLE ON DAMONE'S FACE and we know he can't get out of the water yet. DAMONE No. I don't think so. Not right now. THE RAT Chicken! Linda, for one, loses interest quickly. Standing by the side of the pool, she jams a finger in her ear and wiggles it. LINDA Stacy! I've got water in my ears. Do you have any Q-Tips? STACY God, I don't think so. Better look in the house. Linda towels off and heads back inside the Hamilton house. She knows how to walk. INT. BRAD'S BEDROOM AND BATHROOM - AFTERNOON We see Brad's room. The Carl's burger picture on the wall is conspicuously missing. There is music playing from his stereo -- Pink Floyd's "You and Me". We see Brad. He is kneeling on the bathroom floor, his back to us. His green T-shirt is on, his underwear in a pile on the floor behind him. His arm is pumping slowly. Brad is jacking off. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HAMILTON POOL - BRAD'S DAYDREAM It features Linda Barrett, just as she stood on the diving board a moment ago. She is gorgeous. Her breasts seem even bigger than usual. Her nipples are hard, poking through the film maroon string bikini. Water rolls slowly down her cheeks, into the corners of her mouth. Her lips are parted slightly. Her eyes are filled with desire as she says... LINDA Hi, Brad. (pause) You know how cute I always thought you were. I think you're so sexy. Will you come to me? ANGLE ON BRAD IN DAYDREAM in a nice shirt, his hair combed back and looking great. He walks to Linda. She reaches out and grabs him for a kiss, pulling him close. Then she pushes him away, so he can watch as she carefully unstraps the top of her bathing suit. The incredible Linda Barrett's breasts fall loose. She takes Brad's hands and places them on her, as she begins unbuttoning his shirt. They are just about to fall into passionate lovemaking when we hear... LINDA (O.S.) (CONT'D) Hey, Brad! Do you have any Q-Ti... The daydream evaporates and we see real life again with an... INT. BRAD'S BATHROOM - ANGLE ON LINDA'S FACE in the doorway of Brad's bathroom as she watches the sight before her. ANGLE ON BRAD trying to cover himself and act nonchalant and keep his back turned at the same time. The words barely escape his mouth. BRAD Wait just a... minute. LINDA Sorry. I didn't know anybody was in here. Linda turns and goes immediately, as if she wants to forget what she saw as quickly as possible. She closes the door behind her. ANGLE ON BRAD still kneeling. It had all happened so quickly, so fast BRAD Doesn't anybody fuckin' knock anymore? He slams the toilet seat down and we... CUT TO: INT. U.S. HISTORY CLASS - DAY The third attendance bell rings, and Mr. Hand strides to the front of the class. He locks the door. Then he takes the front of the class and notices something very different. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI bright and clear-eyed, sitting in the front row. His hands are clasped in front of him on the desk. His textbook is open to the proper page. Mr. Hand is suspicious, but continues with class. MR. HAND Now in 1898, Spain owned Cuba. Outright. Think about it. Cuba, owned by a disorganized parliament 4,000 miles away. Cubans were in a constant state of revolt. Mr. Hand begins pacing the aisles as he talks. MR. HAND (CONT'D) In 1904, the United States decided to throw a little weight around, and... There is a brief, sharp knock at the door. Mr. Hand whips his head around, like McGarrett. He approaches the door like a cat. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (sweet voice) Who is it? VOICE Mr. Pizza. MR. HAND Again? VOICE Mr. Pizza, sir! Hand swings the door open, out of curiosity. In walks a young Man in a Mr. Pizza delivery shirt. PIZZA MAN Okay, who had the double cheese sausage and bologna? Jeff Spicoli speaks up. SPICOLI That's me. The Delivery Man takes the pizza, sets it on the desk, as Spicoli whips out some crumpled dollars. Then he produces yet another crumpled dollar, and presses it into the Delivery Man's hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) For you, my man. The Delivery Man thanks him warmly, just as Mr. Hand rages into the picture. MR. HAND Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? SPICOLI Learning about Cuba. Having some food. MR. HAND Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance in my class and on my time. SPICOLI (cool and urbane) I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here... and you're here... doesn't that make it our time? Mr. Hand is so furious he's almost shaking. SPICOLI (CONT'D) So I thought I'd order us a pizza. Just leave me a lot of bologna... Mr. Hand snatches up the pizza, and starts to throw it in the wastebasket. Then he thinks better, and heads for the door. He opens it just as a gang of young Stoners walk past. STONER #1 There's the pizza. STONER #2 Totally! Mr. Hand pushes the pizza into their hands and slams the door. SPICOLI You better save some for me, you swine! MR. HAND And you, my friend. I'll see you for a two-hour detention every afternoon this week. Spicoli eases back in his chair, shrugs. It was a good idea at the time. INT. CAPTAIN KIDD FISH AND CHIPS - DAY Brad Hamilton, looks terribly uncomfortable in his Ponce de Leon hat and buccaneer uniform. He rings up an order for an older Customer. CUSTOMER Why aren't you in school, son? BRAD I go to school in the mornings. I have a work study program for the afternoon. He bags one final coffee and punches up the amount. BRAD $8.46, please. CUSTOMER Here you go. I have it exactly. (sets money down) Good luck! BRAD Thank you, and thanks for coming to Captain Kidd. Brad loosens his buccaneer scarf, and starts back towards the kitchen. He is stopped by the sudden appearance of Captain Kidd Assistant Manager, Harold. HAROLD Hamilton! I'll take over the fryer. Those boys at IBM need some Catch of-the-Day boxes, and I told them you would personally deliver them within the hour. I'll reimburse you for gas. Brad dutifully unhooks his apron, to reveal the bottom half of his pirate suit. BRAD Just write me out a bill. While Harold leans down to tally up the fish order, Brad goes to a nearby employee's closet. He has completely perfected the art of changing back into his street clothes, and it takes less than a minute. He is just about to finish buttoning his street shirt when Harold sees him. HAROLD Hamilton, come over here. What is that you've got on? BRAD This is how I dress all the time. HAROLD But you took off your Captain Kidd uniform. BRAD I thought I'd take it off for the drive over to IBM. It's kind of uncomfortable. Harold can barely fathom the idea. HAROLD Come on, Hamilton. You're going over there to represent Captain Kidd Fish and Chips. We have stores all over Southern California. Part of our image, part of our appeal is in our uniforms. You know that! BRAD You really want me to put all this stuff back on? HAROLD Yes. I think so. Show some pride, Hamilton. ANGLE ON BRAD as he stands there, stoic looking. BRAD I don't believe you're asking me to do this, but okay. He begins taking off his street shirt. He looks at Harold, looks at the boxes, and returns to the closet. INT. THE CRUISING VESSEL Brad is driving down the freeway, listening to the music of Bruce Springsteen's "Out in the Streets." He pries open one of the fourteen Catch-of-the-Day boxes on the seat next to him and pulls out a small piece of fried fish. Brad takes a bite. The look on his face says it is the worst piece of shit he has ever tasted. He throws the piece out the window, and drives on. Brad turns to see a girl smiling at him from another car. It makes his afternoon. He returns the smile with gusto. ANGLE ON THE GIRL as she bursts out laughing and drives away. ANGLE ON BRAD looking perplexed. Then he realizes that he hasn't taken his Ponce de Leon hat off. Brad drives on. A SERIES OF ANGLES ON BRAD'S CAR as we see the Cruising Vessel move down the highway. We see the Captain Kidd hat go flying out the window. Then the plastic sword, and the scarf. Then a couple boxes of Captain Kidd fish. Then the rest of them. We see Brad rip past the IBM Building. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON School is out and kids are leaving campus, heading for the parking lot and bus stop. We see Mike Damone carrying some books, walking towards Ridgemont Drive. He is joined by Stacy Hamilton, who hurries to catch up to him. STACY I can't wait until I can drive next year. I walk every day. It's such a drag. DAMONE Get a ride with somebody. STACY Sometimes I get a ride with my brother. But he usually works in the mornings, and then drives to school himself. DAMONE What a guy. Damone turns to her after a moment, all Attitude. DAMONE (CONT'D) You know Mark Ratner really likes you. You like him? STACY Mark is a really nice boy... Stacy walks along, then stops and looks at Damone. STACY (CONT'D) But I think I like you. They turn the corner. EXT. HAMILTON HOME They have arrived at Stacy's house. There are no cars parked out front. No one is home. STACY Do you want to come in for a second? The Attitude starts to weaken. After a long pause, Damone responds. DAMONE Do you have any ice tea? STACY Sure. Come on in. Stacy unlocks her front door, they go inside. INT. HAMILTON KITCHEN Damone stands in the white linoleum Hamilton kitchen. Stacy opens the refrigerator door. STACY I guess the annuals are coming in pretty soon. Are you going to get one? DAMONE I don't know. STACY Aren't you curious to see how your class picture turned out? DAMONE I know what I look like. Stacy places a glass of ice tea in front of him. They are all alone in the house. STACY Do you want to take a quick swim? DAMONE Well... STACY Brad probably has some trunks you can borrow... I'm going to my room to change! Damone stares straight ahead. She's going to her room to change. Stacy scoots down the hall toward her bedroom. DAMONE This is great ice tea! INT. STACY'S ROOM - ANGLE ON STACY IN HER ROOM In the middle of changing, she has caught her own reflection in the mirror. She pauses a moment, looking at the young girl looking back. INT. KITCHEN - ANGLE ON DAMONE IN THE KITCHEN He continues staring straight ahead. STACY (from other room) You don't have to shout! You can come back here to my room! Damone doesn't move. He pretends he doesn't hear. A moment later, Stacy comes bounding back down the hall in her green bikini. She grabs Damone by the arm. STACY Come with me! I know there's a suit in the changing room! She pulls him away. INT. THE CHANGING ROOM They enter the wood-panelled changing room next to the Hamilton pool. There are two swimsuits hanging from wooden pegs. STACY Pick a suit. DAMONE I don't know. It's getting pretty late... She locks the door to the changing room and begins to walk towards Mike Damone. STACY Are you really a virgin? DAMONE Come on... He could feel his leg starting to shake the slightest bit. STACY It's okay if it's your first time. She gives him a kiss. DAMONE Listen. I feel pretty strange here. Because Mark really likes you, and he's my friend. STACY He's my friend, too. She gives him another kiss. He kisses her in return. Standing there, feeling Stacy in her bikini, feeling her kiss him, Damone also felt some of his reservations slip away. DAMONE You're a really good kisser. STACY So are you. (pause) Are you shaking? DAMONE (shaking) No. Are you crazy? It is clear that this is as far as Mr. Attitude has ever gotten with a girl. Stacy takes the initiative, rubbing her hands through his hair, rubbing his sides, kissing his neck, then pulling away. STACY (whispers) Why don't you take off your clothes, Mike? DAMONE You first. STACY How about both of us at the same time? Damone nods, and watches as Stacy unhooks her top and steps out of her bikini bottom. She stands naked in the shadows of the afternoon sun. She sits down naked on a red changing room couch, and gathers her legs up to her chest. She watches as Damone struggles with his clothes. ANGLE ON DAMONE hopping on one leg, pulling first out of his pants, then his jockey underwear. Bashfully, he goes to sit next to Stacy on the couch. They begin to kiss, and it quickly escalates into heavy petting. Stacy pulls away. STACY I want you to know that it's your final decision if we should continue or not. DAMONE Let's continue. Stacy leans back and pulls him on top of her. He enters her and begins pumping so hard, so fast, that he doesn't notice he's banging the sofa into the wall of the changing room. But just as quickly as Damone starts, he stops. STACY (whispers) Hey, Mike? DAMONE What? Are you all right? STACY I think we're making a lot of noise. DAMONE I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. He has a strange look on his face. STACY What's wrong? DAMONE I think I came. Didn't you feel it? STACY I guess I did. They lay there, Damone still on top of her on the red couch. ANGLE ON DAMONE as we read the confusion on his face. He is embarrassed, a little confused... mostly he just wants to be alone. DAMONE I've got to get home. I've really got to go, Stacy. ANGLE ON STACY as she looks up at him. She gives him a kiss. Damone gets up puts his pants and shirt on. He leaves the changing room. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - AFTERNOON We see Stacy sitting at her usual seat, and she's wearing a bright spring dress with a slight amount of makeup. She looks at Damone's seat with anticipation, but it remains empty as other students file in. Finally, she turns to The Rat. STACY Where's Mike today? THE RAT Today's April 16th. Damone never comes to school on April 16th. STACY What's April 16th? THE RAT It's John Bonham's birthday. STACY John Bonham? THE RAT John Bonham. The drummer for Led Zeppelin. He died a couple years ago. Every birthday he stays home and plays everything John Bonham ever recorded. It's like his own holiday. STACY Oh. I see. The bell rings, and Mr. Vargas enters the room with his Sanka cup. INT. COLLEGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON Seated at the desk is Mrs. O'Rourke. There is a knock at the door. The door swings open. Brad Hamilton holds out his yellow slip. MRS. O'ROURKE Have a seat, Brad... Brad have you got your list of college applications? BRAD Well, to tell you the truth Mrs. O'Rourke, I've kind of been putting it off. I'm not sure what I want to do yet. MRS. O'ROURKE (by rote) All right Brad. Let me ask you like this. If I were queen of the world, and I could make you whatever you wanted to be, what would it be? BRAD I don't know... Burt Reynolds. There is no humor on Mrs. O'Rourke's face. MRS. O'ROURKE I realize it's important to have fun in your senior year, with your friends, but there comes a time when you have to get serious about your future, think about college, and put aside all this fun. Brad looks up suddenly. BRAD You know what, Mrs. O'Rourke? I broke up with my girlfriend this year. I lost my job at Carl's, and two other places. I wake up at 5:30 to work at 7-11, then I go to school, then I go back to 7-11. I have to pay rent, you know. My grades haven't been that bad, and now you're telling me that the fun is over. Well, I'm still waiting for the fun to start. MRS. O'ROURKE Brad, I'll see you when I'm through with the rest of the seniors. If you want to visit the career office, go right ahead. I'll talk to you when you're more prepared. Brad gathers his books and opens the door to leave. MRS. OIROURKE Next! An absolutely exuberant Cindy Carr pops her head in the door. CINDY Hi-yeeeeeeee!!! DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT HALLWAY - MORNING The bell has just rung, and Mike Damone comes out of Youth and Law class. He has an absorbed, driven look on his face. He walks past the rows of lockers, and doesn't even notice as he passes Stacy Hamilton standing by her locker. She smiles, grabs his arm affectionately. STACY Hi Mike! Damone turns to see her, is thoroughly unimpressed. DAMONE Oh. Hi. STACY I didn't see you this morning. DAMONE Look, I'm kind of in a hurry. STACY I'm in a hurry too. I just thought I could say hi to you. DAMONE Hello. He pulls away, leaving a bewildered Stacy standing by her locker. She grabs some books and hurries in the other direction. EXT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY The bus pulls up to the front entrance of University Hospital. The students file out and collect next to the front door. Mr. Vargas gleefully addresses the class. This is his favorite field trip. MR. VARGAS Today we're going to explore how this hospital works to preserve human life. We'll be visiting every floor, every level where these fine doctors and nurses take care of us, in life... and in death. INT. MATERNITY WARD The class exits from a hospital elevator, onto another floor. They are now standing outside the maternity ward. We hear the loud noise of babies. MR. VARGAS Over thirty children are delivered here each day... The class moves on. INT. THE BOTTOM FLOOR The class exits another hospital elevator. MR. VARGAS This is part of your third quarter exam, and I'd advise you to take careful notes on what we're about to see. ANGLE ON DR. MILLER a young intern who has joined the class for the last part of their tour. MR. VARGAS May I just ask you one last time to conduct yourselves with the utmost maturity... The kids are beginning to get very nervous now as they are led down the hall to the "Cold Room." The door to the "Cold Room" has only one sign on it. It reads: CADAVERS -- MEDICAL EXAMINATION ONLY. Mr. Vargas opens the door, and the class seems to gasp. INT. THE COLD ROOM There are six examination tables in the "Cold Room". Each of them contains a cadaver covered by a white sheet. Mr. Vargas has gathered the class around one table in particular. He fingers the edge of the white sheet as he talks. MR. VARGAS As you know, all the bodies in this room are recently deceased human bio-structures. A student raises his hand. MR. VARGAS Yes, Randy? RANDY Who are these guys? MR. VARGAS Most of them were derelicts, Randy. They sold the right for medical examination of their bodies for money. Something like thirty dollars, I believe. Isn't that right, Doctor Miller? DR. MILLER Twenty-five dollars. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI who turns to Stacy. SPICOLI Twenty-five bucks is pretty good. MR. VARGAS Now this gentleman here is named Arthur. Arthur died from heart failure last week and we are fortunate enough to view his body in its pristine state. Mr. Vargas suddenly pulls the white sheet aside and we see the body of Arthur. The students' eyes widen. Some gasp. Others cover their mouths. Others begin furious notes. Nobody speaks. The body of Arthur is smallish and withered. It is orange, flaky, and not quite real looking. A deep cut has been made in Arthur's chest. Mr. Vargas bends Arthur upright for a better student view. He gestures to the deep cut made in Arthur's chest. The tension mounts. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) This incision allows us to pull aside the skin covering of the chest cavity and really observe the human organs as they exist in their natural state. ANGLE ON ARTHUR and his shrunken face, which seems to say please don't. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) I want all of you to take a look at the chest cavity for just a moment. Mr. Vargas grabs the two sides of Arthur's chest cavity covering, and rips it open. MR. VARGAS (CONT'D) Here we have the human lungs and heart, which you can see is actually located in the center of your chest. With a squish, Mr. Vargas reaches inside Arthur and pulls out the human heart for display. The class stands in silent shock. Only one comment escapes from any of them. SPICOLI Bitchin'. ANGLE ON STACY HAMILTON who goes running out of the "Cold Room", holding her mouth. The Rat runs after her. INT. BOTTOM FLOOR HALL Rat and Stacy sit side-by-side on some orange plastic chairs, by a nurse's desk. Stacy is shook up. STACY I made a fool of myself. THE RAT Nobody noticed. Don't worry about it. We'll just stay out here until everyone comes out, we'll blend back in. STACY What about the notes? THE RAT I'll get you the notes. She squeezes his arm. EXT. HOSPITAL - AFTERNOON The students file out of the hospital, looking like they've just been through a war. INT. LINDA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT It is night, and Linda and Stacy are watching Fantasy Island. MONTALBAN You see, Tatoo, what this man doesn't realize is that he must one day leave Fantasy Island. And he must continue his life as an incurable leper. Stacy is fighting back tears. Linda looks angry. Telephone rings. Linda jumps to get it. LINDA Hello. Linda obviously is disappointed when she hears a female voice. LINDA (CONT'D) Yeah... you're kidding... What did he say... What did you say... How much did it cost? Look, tell him he can have a relationship with you or a 'more open' relationship with someone else... Listen, Debbie, can I call you later. I'm waiting for Doug to call. She plops back on the couch with Stacy. LINDA (CONT'D) I'll bet he forgets to call again. She notices that Stacy is crying over the TV show. LINDA (CONT'D) God, Stacy, it's not that sad. It's just David Soul and Ricardo Montalban. STACY I don't know, I'm just so depressed. Everything is just so... depressing. Linda shuts off the television. LINDA You have been acting very strange the last few weeks. STACY I don't know... I just don't feel right. Linda sits down next to Stacy on the bed. LINDA What do you think it is? STACY What do you think it is? LINDA It couldn't be. STACY It could be. I had a pregnancy test at the clinic. I'll find out Monday. I guess it was Damone. LINDA Of course it was Damone. If it was Ron Johnson, you'd be out to here! STACY I'm not going to tell him. He's an asshole. I hate him. LINDA But it costs money to have an abortion. Even at the Free Clinic. You tell Damone to pay for it. It's the least he can do. It's the guy's responsibility too. She puts the TV back on and they watch. STACY You know, there's one thing you didn't tell me about guys. LINDA What? STACY You didn't tell me that they can be so nice, so great... but then you sleep with them and they start acting like they're five years old. LINDA You're right. I didn't tell you that. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - TWO DAYS LATER Stacy Hamilton is walking towards Mike Damone on the football field. We see him from a distance, timing track runners. DAMONE What's going on? STACY Mike, there's something that's been on my mind and I have to tell you about it. DAMONE What? Now? He clicks off the time on a runner, and then turns to face her. DAMONE (CONT'D) Why don't you call me up tonight? STACY Mike. I want you to know that I'm pregnant. ANGLE ON STACY as she looks down. They are words she never thought she would be speaking. DAMONE How do you know it's mine? We only did it once. STACY I know it's yours. ANGLE ON DAMONE as he realizes she is sincere, and he truly begins to panic. DAMONE You made me do it! You locked the door. You made me do it! You wanted it more than me! ANGLE ON STACY She does not flinch. STACY Take that back. DAMONE All right, I take it back. ANGLE ON DAMONE He hugs his arms tighter across his chest, and decides to try a more mature tact. DAMONE (CONT'D) There's only one thing we can do. We've got to get rid of it. We've got to get an abortion. STACY We've got to get an abortion? DAMONE Yeah. My brother Art got his girlfriend one once. STACY It's already planned, Mike. It's going to cost $150 at the Free Clinic. DAMONE Doesn't sound free to me. (pause) So you want me to pay for it? STACY Half. Okay? (bites back tears) Seventy-five dollars. And a ride to the clinic. DAMONE Seventy-five dollars, and a ride. Okay. Stacy stands there, hands folded, nodding. DISSOLVE TO: INT. DAMONE'S ROOM - AFTERNOON He is working at his desk, counting through a wad of money. ANGLE ON THE LIST in front of him, which has a split line down the middle. People Who Owe Me -- fifteen dollars Rick. People I Owe -seventy-five dollars REO Speedwagon tickets, seventy-five dollars abortion. Damone counts fifteen dollars into his stack, crosses out Rick. Then he counts through the money. Seventy five dollars exactly. He crosses out REO Speedwagon tickets. This leaves him no money for the abortion. EXT. STREET CORNER - AFTERNOON Here, at the same corner where she once waited for Ron Johnson, Stacy waits for Damone. Cars pass, no Damone. INT. HAMILTON HOUSE - AFTERNOON Stacy is on the phone, calling Damone. We see the phone messages sheet that lists two calls for Stacy, and none for Brad. The line rings four times, then it's answered. FEMALE VOICE Hello? STACY Hello... is Mike there? FEMALE VOICE Hold on. Stacy sags, disbelieving, and looks at the clock on the kitchen wall. It's getting late... FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D) He says he's helping his father in the garage and he'll call you back. Stacy is stunned. FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D) Hello? Stacy hangs up. She punches out another number, quickly. MRS. BARRETT (V.O.) Hello? STACY Hi, Mrs. Barrett. Is Linda there? MRS. BARRETT (V.O.) She went off to the beach. She'll be back later, though. STACY Okay. Thanks. She looks at the clock again, then hears a noise in the driveway. STACY (CONT'D) Brad! Hey, wait a second! She runs out. EXT. CRUISING VESSEL - AFTERNOON Brad and Stacy pull up next to the flea market. STACY Yeah. This is it. I have some shopping to do. BRAD See you later. STACY Thanks a lot, Brad. I really appreciate it. She gets out of the car. EXT. FLEA MARKET Stacy Hamilton watches her brother drive away. Then she looks to both sides, and walks on. She passes the entrance to the Flea Market. She walks around the corner to another building marked BIRTH CONTROL - FREE CLINIC. Brad follows her in the rearview mirror. INT. BIRTH CONTROL CLINIC Stacy is lying in bed wearing a paper dress. Her hair is stuffed in paper shower cap. She looks anxious. In a bed next to her an older girl is being affectionate with her visiting boyfriend. A Nurse comes in with an IV. NURSE This is going to prick a little. She sticks the needle into Stacy's hand. Stacy looks pained but doesn't yell. The Nurse pats the rolling bed. NURSE (CONT'D) Now scoot over here. Stacy moves onto it. Looking up from her point of view, we see the ride out of the room and into: INT. OPERATING ROOM Stacy gets wheeled in. The Doctor looks down at her. DOCTOR Hello, Stacy, I'm Doctor Bartell. Stacy moves onto the operating table as the Nurse and Doctor get ready. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Any questions before we begin? STACY This is going to hurt, isn't it? DOCTOR We'll use a local but you'll feel some pressure. It doesn't last that long. STACY Does it hurt more to have a baby? The Doctor pauses and considers her question. DOCTOR Yes... but I think you mind it less. Stacy looks up at the lights and listens to the sound of suction tubes. INT. B.C. WAITING AREA The other girl and Stacy sit at a table eating toast and jelly. The girl is reading. The Nurse enters. NURSE How are we doing in here? Debbie, ready to leave? The girl nods and gets up. NURSE (CONT'D) Right through here. Stacy, I can't let you go unless you have a ride home. STACY Uh, my boyfriend said held be waiting downstairs. The Nurse studies her, decides she's telling the truth and allows her to leave. EXT. ENTRANCE TO THE FREE CLINIC Stacy walks back out into the sunlight, slowly and weakly. She is surprised and amazed at who she sees standing outside, waiting for her. ANGLE ON BRAD HAMILTON He stands, hands on hips, just outside the door. STACY Brad! He puts an arm around her and leads her toward his waiting car. BRAD Since when do you shop at the Flea Market anyway? STACY Brad. Please don't tell Mom and Dad... He helps her into the cruising vessel. He starts up the car and drives off. BRAD Who did it? Stacy stares out the window. Tears well in her eyes. BRAD (CONT'D) You're not going to tell me, are you? STACY No. BRAD All right, then. It's your secret. Stacy smiles at Brad. Brad smiles back. The car drives on. INT. LINDA'S ROOM - NIGHT Stacy is in Linda's room, sitting on her bed. Her eyes are red and moist from crying. Linda listens to her story. STACY I really thought he would show up. I waited... and waited... and waited... LINDA That little prick. STACY Then I called his house, and his mother told me he was in the garage helping his father. LINDA That little prick. STACY I paid for it and everything. LINDA There goes your stereo for another year. Mike Damone is a no-brain little prick. I'm not letting him get away with this. STACY Don't do anything, Linda. I'd rather just forget about it. I don't even like the guy. LINDA Stacy, he's not a guy. (loud) He's a little prick! Stacy lies back on the bed. EXT. DAMONE HOUSE - MORNING The front door to the Damone house opens, and out walks Mike Damone carrying some books. He looks troubled, burdened, and stares down at the walkway as he moves towards his car. He walks around, starts to pen the car door, then he sees it. There, in white spray paint across the driver's door, is the message: PRICK. DAMONE Shhhhhhhhhit. He looks both ways, and starts back towards the house. EXT. DAMONE CAR Mike Damone travels down Ridgemont Drive, making the turn into the school parking lot. There is a large cardboard panel taped on the side of his car. EXT. DAMONE'S LOCKER He arrives at his locker, where, in white spray paint, there is another message: LITTLE PRICK. Several girls walk by, they laugh knowingly. GIRL #1 Hi, Mike! GIRL #2 Hi, mike! Damone backs up against the locker, with a sick smile on his face. DAMONE Hi... girls. More students pass, looking strangely at the young man pinned against his own locker. EXT. BOY'S LOCKER ROOM - AFTERNOON Damone exits the boys locker room. Just as he does, he is accosted by The Rat. We have never quite heard this tone in The Rat's voice before. THE RAT Damone? What happened between you and Stacy? Damone feigns The Attitude, shakes his head. Damone sighs. DAMONE Let me tell you something, Rat. Sometimes girls just go haywire. It was a month ago, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you ever since. We started messing around and... (shrugs) ... something happened. It's all over with. It's no big deal. I never called her again. The Rat says nothing. DAMONE (CONT'D) If you ask me, she's pretty aggressive. You understand what I'm saying? THE RAT No Damone. I don't understand. DAMONE She wasn't really your girlfriend anyway. THE RAT Hey fuck you Damone. There's a lot of girls out there and you mess around with Stacy. What have you got to prove? DAMONE Jesus. I'm sorry. THE RAT I always stick up for you. Whenever people say 'Aw, that Damone is a loudmouth' -- and they say that a lot -- I say 'You just don't know Damone.' When someone says you're an idiot, I tell them 'Damone's not an idiot. You just don't know him.' Well, you know, Damone, maybe they do know you pretty good. And I'm just finding out. DAMONE Fine. Get lost. Damone starts to push past him, but The Rat shoves his shoulder hard. DAMONE (CONT'D) All right, Rat. You want to do something about it? Damone begins the classic high school fighting ritual. He throws his books down. He takes a step back. He goes into a crouch. He gestures towards himself. Then Damone says the universally recognized high school fighting words. DAMONE (CONT'D) Well come on. The Rat shows no fear. As other kids begin to crowd around the two boys, Rat throws his own books down. He takes a step back, goes into the crouch. He gestures toward himself. THE RAT You come on. They stand there, gesturing, neither one of them wanting to make the first move. DAMONE No. You come on, you wuss. Assistant Coach Mr. Sexton comes running out of the boy's locker room, and steps in front of the two boys. SEXTON Hey! Knock this crap off!! The Rat stalks off, disappearing into the crowd of onlookers. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RIDGEMONT DRIVE - NIGHT The Ridgemont Drive strip is filled with cars, cruising for parties. There is a lot of honking, and yelling out windows. Everyone is headed towards the beach. We stay on a lowly 7-11 store near the freeway entrance. EXT. 7-11 STORE - NIGHT A yellow Firebird slowly, menacingly cruises the empty parking lot. It does not stop. Then, around the corner, walks Jeff Spicoli. We see him in the neon 7-11 light, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of baggy jeans. He walks inside the store. He is the only shopper. INT. 7-11 STORE Brad Hamilton stands behind the counter in a red and white striped shirt and cap, making fresh coffee. Jeff Spicoli trudges up to the counter. He looks at Brad. Brad looks at Spicoli. There is an unspoken edge between them. SPICOLI Hey, mon, can I use the bathroom? Brad squints his eyes, looks at the sign on the back room door. ANGLE ON sign which reads: Rest Room For Employees Only. BRAD Go ahead. Just make it quick. SPICOLI Totally. BRAD It's the first door on your left. Spicoli disappears into the back room. Brad sighs, looks at the clock. It reads: 11:15. Then he hears Spicoli from the back room. SPICOLI (O.S.) I can't find it, mon! BRAD It's the first door on your left! SPICOLI (O.S.) On the ledge? BRAD First door on your left! SPICOLI (O.S.) There it is! Brad sighs again. He loads a new filter into the coffee maker. EXT./INT. 7-11 STORE A moment later, the yellow Firebird pulls into the 7-11 parking lot. A man in a windbreaker comes hurtling out of the car, into the store. He spray paints the scanning camera above the door. He hustles up to the counter, produces a .45 Magnum and points it chest high at Brad. There is a glazed and nervous speedy edge to his voice. ROBBER I want money. And I want it all -- now. Brad looks pale and young under the fluorescent 7 11 light. He speaks slowly. BRAD They empty and close the big safe here at midnight. ROBBER (getting tougher) I know this store. I know where the safe is. He bangs the gun on the counter, hard. ROBBER (CONT'D) Over there behind the donut case. Now move! Brad slowly moves to the donut case, like a zombie. BRAD I'm instructed to tell you that we are on a video alarm system and there are other hidden cameras in the store ... ROBBER Just give me the money. Move it. BRAD Okay. (legs are shaking) I just started here, and they just taught me the procedure. I'll give you the money, just let me figure this out. ROBBER (very menacing) Move it. Move it. Brad opens the phony back of the donut case and fiddles with the strongbox combination. ROBBER (CONT'D) (more menacing) Let's go, stupid. Brad looks at the gunman. BRAD You motherfucker. Get off my fuckin' case. The Robber is about to react when the bathroom door opens and Jeff Spicoli starts out, wiping his hands on his pants. SPICOLI No towels, mon... The Robber turns to look at Spicoli, and that is all that Brad Hamilton needs. Just like it is the most natural thing in the world, Brad reaches for the hot, steaming coffee pot he has just made and throws it into the gunman's face and hands. ROBBER Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!!! The .45 falls out of his hand and rattles to the floor. The gunman is still grabbing his face, and looking at his skinless hands in horror when Brad snaps up the gun. In the parking lot, the gunman's accomplice, poised behind the wheel of the yellow Firebird, spots the foul-up and screeches out of the parking lot. BRAD There goes your ride home. Brad pulls the under-counter alarm with newfound confidence. Jeff Spicoli stands there, mesmerized at the entire event. SPICOLI Awesome. Totally awesome. EXT. RIDGEMONT MALL - NIGHT Kids are pouring into the Ridgemont mall. Summer banners are already up. INT. THE MALL - NIGHT In the midst of all the kids and shoppers, we see The Rat walking slowly down the promenade. He is wearing an Army surplus jacket, and his hands are buried deep in his pockets. Two girls pass his way. One smiles briefly at him, and The Rat turns to watch her pass. He is about to say something to her, then no. He walks on, sees Swenson's Ice-Cream Parlor up ahead. The Rat decides to walk the other way. INT. SWENSON'S - NIGHT The place is busy again, filled with shoppers and teenagers in summer-type clothing. We see Stacy Hamilton, once again, at the cash register wearing an Assistant manager name tag and a hostess gown. She handles a customer's bill, then stands there a moment, looking glum. Linda Barrett approaches. STACY Another summer of working at Swenson's. LINDA Come on. There's lots of men around here. Keep your eyes open. STACY You know, Linda. I've finally figured it out. It's not sex I want. Anyone can have sex. LINDA What do you want? STACY I want romance. LINDA Romance in Ridgemont? We don't even get cable TV. ANGLE ON the back kitchen door, which swings open, and out comes Mike Damone in a peppermint Swenson's shirt. He wipes some grime on his pants. STACY Mike! You have a mess on C-9! DAMONE All right. All right. I just cleaned B-8. Give me a break. STACY Get going. The two girls smile, go back to their posts. INT. JEFF SPICOLI'S ROOM - NIGHT Jeff Spicoli sits in his room, and it is his castle. Clothes lie in disarray on the floor. A huge half-waxed surfboard is propped against the window. We see Spicoli dressed in a too large white short-sleeved shirt, attempting to tie his father's fat paisley tie. He stops to take a hit from his bong, all the while talking on the phone. The music of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" plays on the radio. SPICOLI I... am... so... wasted, mon. What is in this shit? (pause) Doesn't that stuff cause brain damage? (pause) Bitchin'. Spicoli listens for a moment. He rubs his eyes, shakes his head. He is really buzzed. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Hey, mon, I am going to Mexico as soon as school is out. Two more weeks, bud. Week from Wednesday. (pause) I am gonna take both boards, my duck feet, many cases of beer, and just jam. (pause) No, mon, from school. I'm leaving as soon as school gets out. I'll be at Sunset Cliffs by nighttime. (pause) Totally. (pause) Later. Spicoli hangs up, and concentrates on tying his tie. He almost strangles himself. Then suddenly the door to his room flies open and Spicoli's little brother Curtis bursts in. CURTIS Jeff you have company! SPICOLI Go away, Curtis. If you can't knock, I can't hear you. Curtis slams the door and leaves. A moment later there is a knock. SPICOLI (CONT'D) That's better. Come in. The door swings open and Jeff Spicoli sits in stoned shock at the sight before him. There, standing in the doorway of his room is Mr. Hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Mr... Mr. Hand. MR. HAND That's right, Jeff. Mind if I come in? Spicoli can only nod. MR. HAND (CONT'D) (calling downstairs) Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Spicoli. Hand walks into Spicoli's room, takes off his suit jacket and lays it on the chair back. He stops a moment and catches the stare of Miss January Penthouse on the wall, then turns to Spicoli. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Were you going somewhere tonight, Jeff? SPICOLI Yeah. The Graduation Dance Mr. Hand. It's the last school event of the year. MR. HAND I'm afraid we've got some things to discuss here, Jeff. SPICOLI Did I do something wrong, Mr. Hand? Hand removes several copies of Oui Magazine from another chair and sits down. He sets his briefcase on Spicoli's dresser, next to a bag of pot, and opens it up for easy access. MR. HAND Do you want to sit there, Jeff? SPICOLI I don't know. I guess so. MR. HAND Fine. You sit right here on your bed. I'll use the chair here. (pause) As I explained to your parents just a moment ago, and to you many times since the very beginning of the school year -- I don't like to spend my time waiting for late students, or detention cases. I'd rather be preparing the lesson. Mr. Hand takes a sheet from his briefcase and looks at it. MR. HAND (CONT'D) According to my calculations, Mr. Spicoli, you wasted a total of eight hours of my time this year. And rest assured that is a kind estimate. He returns the sheet to his case and looks into Spicoli's weed-ravaged eyes. MR. HAND (CONT'D) Now, Mr. Spicoli, comes a rare moment for me. Now I have the unique pleasure of squaring our account. Tonight, you and I are going to talk in great detail about the Davis Agreement, all the associated treaties, and the American Revolution in particular. Now if you can just turn to Chapter 47 of Lord of Truth And Liberty. SPICOLI Hey, it's in my locker, Mr. Hand. MR. HAND Well, then, I'm glad I remembered to bring an extra copy just for you. Hand reaches in his case and produces the book. He hands it to Spicoli. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SPICOLI'S ROOM - HOURS LATER Wearily, Spicoli is trying to grasp the material. SPICOLI ... so, like, when Jefferson went before the people what he was saying was 'Hey, we left this place in England because it was bogus, and if we don't come up with some cool rules ourself, we'll be bogus, too!' Right? ANGLE ON MR. HAND who nods his head. MR. HAND Very close, Jeff. Hand reaches over and gets his case. MR. HAND (CONT'D) I think I've made my point with you tonight. SPICOLI Hey, Mr. Hand, can I ask you a question? MR. HAND What's that? SPICOLI Do you have a guy like me every year? A guy to... I don't know, make a show of. Teach other kids lessons and stuff? MR. HAND Well, you'll find out next year. SPICOLI (smiling) No way, mon. When I graduate U.S. history I ain't even coming over to your side of the building. MR. HAND If you graduate. SPICOLI (panicked) You're gonna flunk me?! Mr. Hand pauses a moment, then breaks into the nearest approximation of a grin we have seen all year. It isn't much, but it's noticeable. His lips crinkle at the ends. MR. HAND Don't worry, Spicoli. You'll probably squeak by. SPICOLI All right! Oh, yeah! Mr. Hand has now gathered all his material, and he stands to approach Spicoli's door. Jeff jumps up, extends his hand. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Aloha, Mr. Hand! MR. HAND Aloha, Spicoli. Mr. Hand exits the room, and descends the staircase of the Spicoli household. Spicoli kicks the door shut, grins, and continues struggling with his tie. INT. RIDGEMONT GYMNASIUM - NIGHT Tight angle on the emotion-filled face of the lead singer in a cheesy high school band called the T Birds. He is bathed in a blue light, singing the last verse of The Eagles' 'Take It To The Limit'. We pull back to reveal a large, clumsy banner reading: LAST DANCE. Students are pouring into the gym for this event. Many have brought their annual yearbooks. On stage, the lead singer snaps his fingers and the band goes into Nick Lowe's 'Heart of the City'. Some students start to dance. Every one of our characters is either here, or about to arrive. From Charles Jefferson to Spicoli to Mr. Hand. For once, all classes are partying together. But, just as in the beginning of the year on lunch court, the kids are still cordoned off into their distinctive cliques. ANGLE ON MORE STUDENTS ARRIVING at the Last Dance. They see Mr. Hand signing annuals by the door. They all say the same thing as they pass, "Aloha, Mr. Hand". He nods in return. ANGLE ON STACY surveying the growing mob of annual-crazed students. From behind her comes Linda Barrett in a low-cut black dress. STACY Where's Doug? LINDA He's not coming. STACY Not coming? What happened? LINDA He says he's got to stay in Chicago. (sighs) He says I should visit him sometimes. STACY Sometime? LINDA Yeah, like maybe never. STACY But what are you going to do? LINDA Well I might go to Dartmouth. STACY Dartmouth?! LINDA I didn't tell anyone I applied cause I never thought I'd make it. STACY I can't believe it! But what about Doug? LINDA (STOIC) There's a world of guys out there. I just wish I didn't have to date any of them. STACY Hey -- Doug Stallworth? It's his loss. ANGLE ON MIKE DAMONE in another part of the dance, by the Junior class sponsored food counter. Damone is standing, talking to several girls, gesturing and being Damone, Mr. Attitude. DAMONE Sign my annual, honey. The girls look at each other, laugh. They walk away. ANGLE ON THE RAT standing nearby. THE RAT You're losing it, Damone. DAMONE You're crazy. Those girls love me. ANGLE ON JEFF SPICOLI sprawled out in the bleachers with his surfer stoner buddies. He turns to one admiring stoner (Todd). SPICOLI Hey, mon. Sign my annual. Spicoli slips the annual into the kid's crotch. The stoner winces in pain, but still opens the book and lingers on all the signings in Spicoli's annual. They are all drug-related messages from fellow stoners. After a moment, Spicoli's friend signs: "Thanks for the reds. Todd." TODD Hey, mon, good thing we're going to Mexico this summer. 'Cause you're gonna get kicked out of your house when your parents read your annual. INT. GYMNASIUM - ANGLE ON DOOR Brad Hamilton pushes both doors open, and makes his entrance into the Last Dance. There is a lot of activity going on, but all nearby eyes turn to Brad as he walks into the dance. Fifteen kids immediately gravitate towards him. They all want Brad to sign their annuals, to talk about the 7-11 incident. Onstage, the T-Birds play the Beatles' "It Won't Be Long". We see Brad's old girlfriend Lisa push up to him. Her new jock boyfriend holds a protective arm around her. LISA I saw your picture in the paper. You had the greatest look on your face! ANOTHER STUDENT Front of the Metro Section. I'm telling my parents, 'I know this guy, I know this guy.' Lisa's boyfriend pulls his arm tighter around her. LISA Will you sign my annual, Brad? Brad smiles, nods. He signs, and gives her his. We then see Brad's three Buddies from Carl's Jr. come up, pat him on the back and grab his shoulder. Brad studies them warily. BUDDY #1 Fuckin' manager of 7-11! BUDDY #2 Get us jobs over there, Brad! You can do it! BRAD Since when do you guys want to work at 7-11? BUDDY #2 Come on, Brad! It would be great! All of us together! BRAD Well, 7-11 is a tremendous operation. It's really changed, man. They've got great food, great magazines, videogames... it's class. Total class. BUDDY #3 As soon as you can get us in there, we're gone from Carl's, Brad. BUDDY #2 Yeah, man, all the little punks from junior high have taken over the place. Brad leaves his old buddies. He grins and notices someone across the crowded dance floor. BRAD Hey, Thompson! Wendell! Get a job! They laugh, flip him off. Brad is back in his element at last. He moves into the main dancing area, works his way across the room, past the bleachers, when he hears a voice. SPICOLI (O.S.) Hamilton! Brad turns around, seen Spicoli sitting on the bottom rung of the bleachers. Spicoli looks back with true respect. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Awesome. He throws Brad his annual. Brad gives him his. They sign. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Easy, mon. BRAD Later. ANGLE ON THE BLEACHERS where several couples are passionately making out. Four teachers clomp up into the stands from different angles. They pin the couples in flashlight beams, like the main tower pinning an escaping prisoner. ANGLE ON THE T-BIRDS onstage, singing the Rolling Stones' "I'm Free". EXT. GYNMASIUM - NIGHT We see Jeff Spicoli leave the dance and come backing down the stairs with a stoner bud. His fist is in the air. SPICOLI Summer, mon! We're there! He turns to his stoner bud. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Let's roll, my man. Spicoli backs right into a young buzz-cut kid. SPICOLI (CONT'D) Hey, bud! Watch yourselff Spicoli turns around to see he's backed into a squad of eight Lincoln Surf Nazis. They are all standing on the steps, waiting. SURF NAZI Are you Jeff Spicoli? Spicoli looks up and down the row of Surf Nazis. On the end, he sees L.C. L.C. That's him! He did it! SPICOLI Hey, mon, I don't know what your trip is, but... Spicoli dashes off down Luna Street. L.C. and the Surf Nazis take out in hot pursuit, chasing him through the parking lot, past Ridgemont High, and into the night. They will never catch him. SLOW DISSOLVE: INT. RIDGEMONT MALL School is out and it's summer business as usual at the Ridgemont Mall. We see the same stores, the same packs of kids roaming the three tiers. ANGLE ON MARK RATNER who stands against the railing in his Cinema Four jacket, gazing across the mall at Swenson's Ice Cream Parlor. He sees Stacy walk two girlfriends to the outdoor front tables, and almost look his way. The Rat turns away suddenly. Then he hears her calling out after him. STACY Hey Mark! Turn around! Ratner turns around, affects total and complete cool. He waves across the mall to her. STACY (CONT'D) Come over here! He looks back at his post at the theatre, decides it's okay to step away. He walks across the mall. INT. SWENSON'S Stacy is standing by the sundae bar. Next to her are two empty stools. After a moment, we see The Rat plop onto one of the metal stools. He pounds the seat next to him with the palm of his hand. THE RAT You. Sit. Stacy turns to look at him, smiles. She sits. STACY Hi, Mark. THE RAT Hi, Stacy. How are you? STACY I'm fine. Mark, I'm so glad you came over here because I want you to know something. I just thought I would tell you that I really enjoyed getting to know you this year. The Rat maintains The Attitude. THE RAT Yeah? About fifty people I didn't know wrote that in my annual. STACY I know everybody says it, but I really mean it. The Rat looks at her from the corner of his eyes. THE RAT Really? STACY Yeah. I want you to have this picture, so you won't forget what I look like. And so you'll remember to call me over the summer. She withdraws a picture from her pocket, hands it to The Rat. THE RAT Well, I don't know, I may be doing some traveling this summer. I don't know how much I'll be around... (breaks down, takes picture) But I'll give you a call sometime. STACY I'd like that. She gives him a kiss on the mouth, gets up and walks away. The Rat sits there, smiling at the way things sometimes turn out. He slips the picture into his pocket, a satisfied young man. INT./EXT. SWENSON'S AND MALL The Rat is joined by Mike Damone, who has changed into his street clothes. DAMONE She wants it, Rat. The Rat snickers, shakes his head. DAMONE (CONT'D) I saw you. You had pure Attitude. The Rat turns to look at his friend. THE RAT The Attitude, Damone, is only good until you meet the right girl. DAMONE Whatever you say, Rat. They take off together, blending into the crowd of kids walking the mall. THE RAT And... you can only tell it's the right girl if you're sensitive. DAMONE Sensitive -- what is that? THE RAT Sensitive is when you can tell how people feel without asking. DAMONE So what makes you so sensitive? THE RAT Well, for one, I read. I don't watch as much television as you. I'm trying to feel things more. I'm learning a lot about people. DAMONE What do you read? What's the last book you read? THE RAT Lust For Life. It's the story of Vincent Van Gough. DAMONE (scoffs) Yeah, well, I saw the movie. That must mean I'm sensitive too. THE RAT It's a way, Damone. It's a vibe. I put it out, and I have personally found that girls do respond. Damone laughs, shoves him hard. We lose sight of the two boys in the sea of kids. A SERIES OF ANGLES of Ridgemont Center Mall with music. CREDITS FADE TO BLACK THE END

"FATAL INSTINCT" Screenplay by David O'Malley SHOOTING DRAFT FADE IN ON: EXT. SANTA MONICA PIER - NIGHT The sultry dampness of a blistering summer hangs in the night air. People stroll the boardwalk looking for a cool breeze. The soft rhythms of a jazz concert float from the band shell. CLOSE SHOT - A PAIR OF SEXY HIGH HEELS and a woman's shapely legs, walking along the wooden pier. OPENING TITLES & CREDITS OVER. After several steps, a discarded piece of gum sticks to one of her shoes, stretching out stickily. Two steps later, a piece of paper sticks to the gum, flopping awkwardly with each step. The MOVING CAMERA PANS UP her gorgeous legs and sensuous body. She wears a loose summer dress that floats like gossamer around her soft curves. Her hair is long and blond. NED (V.O.) To some guys, women are like a cheap puzzle... with pieces that just don't fit. They think the soul of a woman is darker than a back alley... more tangled than a telephone cord... and colder than a Klondike Bar in Canada. But those guys don't even have a clue. She stops at the railing. We see an incredibly beautiful face and cool, alluring eyes. This is LOLA CAIN. The term "femme fatale" was coined for her. She's on display... and knows it. NED (V.O.) When you know women the way I do, you understand exactly what what makes them tick... what makes them hum... what makes them jiggle up and down when they walk. And it's not the kind of thing you can learn from a correspondence course. The CAMERA MOVES with her as she walks on, passing TWO MEN whose eyes are glued to her. We HOLD ON THEM. One is NED RAVINE, in his thirties, stalwart, handsome, hair trimmed neatly, but with a feel of loose ends about him... coat slung over his shoulder, sleeves rolled up, the sweat dampening his shirt. He's a cop. A plain clothes detective who's been around the block a few times and still gets lost. Next to him is ARCH, his partner. Older, if not in years, at least in mileage. Dependable, solid, with no great aspirations except to reach the end of a shift intact. He's eating Nachos from a cardboard container, licking the cheese off his fingers. The CAMERA PUSHES IN to NED. His eyes are fixed on Lola. ANGLE - LOLA - NED'S POV She walks to the other side of the pier... as more paper sticks to the gum on her shoe. She stands at the railing. NED (V.O.) There are two kinds of women in this world... and I've known 'em both. ANGLE - ARCH Arch heaves an exasperated sigh and looks toward Ned. The CAMERA PULLS BACK to INCLUDE NED. It isn't "voice-over" narration at all. Ned is actually talking out loud. NED (V.O.) One will take you for a fast ride on a bumpy road with no seat belt. But the other kind... ARCH (interrupts) Jeez... knock off the chatter, will ya. NED Just trying to keep you awake, Arch. ARCH I'm awake! Where do you come up with all that crap about women? NED It's true. Women are very complex, but if you know how to read 'em... they're an open book. You can always tell the rotten apples from the peaches. ARCH Are you kiddin'? NED I'd stake my career on it. Anybody ever proves me wrong, I'll throw away my badge. ARCH Aayyhh... women are trouble... NED I used to believe that too. Until I married Lana. Now, she... is a peach. ARCH Yeah, well you're a lucky stiff, pal. Ya hold down two jobs. Got a beautiful wife waitin' for ya at home. Everything a guy could ever want, including NO kids. NED I'd love to have kids. ARCH What?! Rug-rats? Give me a break! (looks around) Jeez, I hate stakeouts. What makes you think Milo's gonna show up here? NED Logic. He knocked off all those banks. He's got cash. He's gonna want to spend it. This is one of the few places that still takes cash. Sooner or later... he's gotta turn up. ARCH And how we s'posed to recognize this scumbag? NED The "Support Hose Bandit"? When you see him... you'll know him. In the b.g., MILO CRUMLEY, the "Support Hose Bandit", ambles by casually, unnoticed, sucking on a cherry Snow-Cone through the panty-hose pulled down over his head. ARCH These are the best damn Nachos in North America. Maybe the world! He pops the last chip in his mouth, licks his fingers and turns the container over. ARCH I'm empty. I'm gonna get a refill. You want some? Ned shakes his head. Arch heads off to the Nacho stand. Ned steps over to the railing... gazes out at the ocean. A SAXOPHONE begins to wail a scorching, romantic melody... a recurrent tune that will come to be known as LOLA'S THEME. A beat later... Lola moves to Ned's side at the railing. He tries to ignore her presence, peering into the darkness. Lola digs in her purse for a pack of cigarettes. LOLA Got a light? NED Sure. Ned pulls out a small flashlight, shines it in her purse. She pulls a cigarette out of the pack, puts it to her lips... her eyes on Ned, sizing him up. LOLA How about a match? NED No thanks. I have plenty. He pulls out a handful of matchbooks, shows her, then stuffs them back in his pocket. He turns and walks along the pier. She falls into step beside him, lighting her own cigarette. A saxophone player named DIZZY follows behind them, continuing to play. He's the actual source of the romantic THEME MUSIC we've been hearing. LOLA You really are incredibly stupid, aren't you? I like that in a man. NED I'd be insulted, but I know you're serious. LOLA You sound so sure of yourself. NED I'm not as dumb as I look. LOLA Let me buy you a drink, Mr. uh... NED Ravine. Ned Ravine. And you are...? LOLA Thirsty. What about that drink? NED I'm on duty. LOLA Brain surgeon? NED Cop. LOLA Oooo... and I bet you have a big gun. NED You lose. Lola looks toward a nearby hot dog vendor. LOLA If I can't buy you a drink... (nods toward vendor) ...let me buy you one of those. NED Who can say no to a weiner? LOLA Not me. Lola turns to the hot dog VENDOR, raising two fingers. LOLA Two dogs. Hot. She takes them... hands one to Ned. He picks up the plastic mustard container to put mustard on her hot dog first. NED You come here often? LOLA Only when I'm in heat. Ned REACTS to this, squeezing the container. A stream of mustard squirts out, hitting the front of Lola's dress. NED Oh! Sorry. Flustered, he stuffs his hot dog into his inside jacket pocket, then tries to wipe the mustard off Lola's dress, smearing it all over her, making it worse. She watches him with a cool, detached gaze as he fumbles ingenuously. Suddenly, Ned stops, looking off. He sees... Milo Crumley going into the PUBLIC RESTROOM. Ned starts to leave. Lola grabs his hand, holding it tightly against her breast. LOLA Where ya going? NED Get something to wipe it off. LOLA That's okay. You're doing just fine. NED I'll get you a wet paper towel. He heads for the men's room... signaling to Arch, who's waiting in line at the Nacho stand. Arch motions at the long line... all UNIFORMED COPS... shrugging helplessly. INT. MEN'S ROOM ON PIER - NIGHT Several MEN are at the urinals. Milo, still wearing the panty hose over his head, washes his face at the sink. He looks up, sees Ned enter. Ned sees Milo... reacts, pulling the frankfurter out of his pocket and pointing it. NED Hold it right there, Milo! The Men turn, seeing Ned pointing the frankfurter. RESTROOM PATRON Look out! He's got a weenie! Milo bolts, slamming into Ned, knocking him back through the door of a stall, into the lap of the MAN inside. EXT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Milo bursts out, colliding with Arch. They both go down in a flurry of Nacho chips and cheese. Arch helps Milo to his feet, apologizing profusely... picking up the gun that Milo dropped, handing it back to him. Milo sprints off down the pier. A beat later, Ned bursts out the door... dashing after Milo. ANGLE - ALONG THE PIER Milo runs frantically, knocking people aside! He ducks into... INT. BUMPER CAR PAVILION - NIGHT ...and drags a FLUSTERED MAN out of a bumper car, jumps in, and speeds away! A beat later, Ned runs up, followed by Arch. Ned flashes his badge at a FRECKLE-FACED KID in one of the bumper cars. NED Police emergency! I need your car! He pulls the kid out, jumps in, slaps a portable FLASHING RED LIGHT on the dashboard... then speeds off after Milo, a SIREN WAILING! He zig-zags through the crush of other bumper cars in the pavilion. Ned's bumper car catches up with Milo, pulling alongside. Milo turns the wheel, RAMMING Ned! Ned RAMS him back, both bumper cars swerving violently... spraying SPARKS! Ned SLAMS Milo's car again! Milo loses control, spins out and SMASHES into the pavillion railing! Ned swerves to avoid a collision, but RAMS into two other bumper cars, wrenching to a grinding halt. A BEAT. The AIRBAG inflates in his bumper car. Arch runs up as Ned pulls himself from the wreckage. They turn to see Milo leap from his mangled bumper car, leap over the pavillion railing and dash down the pier and into an alley between two buildings. A sign on the building says: DEAD END ALLEY. Ned and Arch eye each other, shake their heads, and follow after Milo. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. IN THE ALLEY Milo runs into a tall chain link fence at the end of the alley and scrambles up the wire mesh. Suddenly, Ned's hand shoots out, grabs Milo's ankle, yanking him down hard. Milo jumps to his feet, swinging at Ned, who catches Milo's fist with his hand, stopping it cold... neatly snapping a handcuff on his wrist. He shoves Milo's arm against the fence and snaps the other cuff to the chainlink. A SWITCHBLADE flashes out of Milo's other hand with a sharp CLICK! Milo slashes the blade at Ned, just missing his face. On the backswing, Ned parries with his own switchblade and flips Milo's knife away. Milo pulls a .45 Calibre REVOLVER with his free hand! Ned shoves his finger into the end of the barrel. Milo looks surprised... then sneers, clicking the hammer back. NED You take science in high school, Milo? MILO I skipped high school, cop! NED Then you're probably not familiar with the theory of inverse proportionate explosive dynamics. MILO What about it? NED If you fire a weapon with the barrel obstructed, the explosive force multiplies by twenty-three point five nine eight and reverses on itself with diametric polarity? MILO Yeah. So? NED The gun will blow up in your hand... and it won't even scorch my pinkie. MILO Ha! That's just theoretical hypothesis. Inverse proportionate explosive dynamics has never been demonstrated conclusively in a laboratory environment. NED Oh yeah. Then pull the trigger, smart guy. Let's find out. Milo hesitates, unsure. Finally, he releases the gun. Ned raises it up on the end of his finger. Arch pulls it off with a loud POP! Ned cuffs Milo's hands behind him... spins him around. NED You have the right to remain silent... next... if you waive that right, anything you say... next... REVEAL ARCH holding up a series of "cue cards"... as Ned reads from them. NED ...may be used against you in a court of law... next... You have the right to an attorney... Do you have an attorney? MILO Nahhhh! NED Then today's your lucky day... He flips out a business card, handing it to Milo. ANGLE - THE BUSINESS CARD It reads... "Ned Ravine - Defense Attorney" EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DAWN Large. Expensive. Impressive. The name on the mailbox reads "Ned and Lana Ravine." We begin to HEAR the O.S. SOUND of passionate lovemaking! OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOUSE - DAWN The CAMERA MOVES up the stairs, into the bedroom. Still O.S., we hear more heavy breathing... urgent whispers... lust... passion... squeaky bedsprings! A trail of clothes is scattered before us on the way to the bed... shoes, a dress, slip, bra, nylons, panties... greasy coveralls with a "Frank Kelbo - Mobile Mechanic" namepatch, dirty work boots, a wrench and a gigantic grease gun... The bed shakes violently. A female VOICE calls the shots as various tools drop to the floor. LANA (O.S.) Oh yes, Frank! Adjust the stroke by ten percent! That's it. (CLUNK! A wrench) Now tweak my points. Oh yes, oh yes! (THUNK! Pliers) You got it! Stabilize your ball joints and grind my rear differential! (CLINK! Screwdriver) Now accelerate! Floor it! Lay rubber, baby! VRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM! A beat. The LIGHT clicks ON. LANA; a sexy redhead with a cool, manipulative edge, and FRANK; a slick, smarmy Lothario, lay under the sheets, panting, glistening with sweat. Lana reaches for a pack of "Fatal 100's" on the bedside table. LANA Not bad for an auto mechanic... FRANK (grins, cocky) Yeah, well you're not so bad yourself... for a lawyer's wife... LANA Better watch your tongue, sweetie, or I'll have my husband arrest you. FRANK Busy man. Cop and a lawyer. When does he ever find time for you? She lights a cigarette... exhales a soft, gloomy cloud. LANA He doesn't. That's why I need you to keep my engine tuned, Frank. Why drive a jalopy when you can have a hot rod? FRANK Maybe you should trade him in on a new model. LANA I would... if I could make any money on the deal. FRANK (reaches for her) Want to go for another test drive? The SOUND of an automobile engine outside. Lana stops him. LANA Pull over and park it, Frank. I'm still under warranty. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Ned glances at the white van parked in the driveway, then takes note of his wife's silver Mercedes... sitting on floor jacks, the hood raised, tools spread out around it. INT. HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - MORNING Ned enters. Lana wears a diaphanous dressing gown, buttoned unevenly, hair disheveled. She smokes a cigarette. NED Morning sweetheart. Ned kisses her on the back of the neck as he passes through the kitchen on his way to the dining room. She reacts with bored, contemptuous disinterest, picking up the coffee pot. LANA Uh huh. Want some coffee? Ned steps back into the kitchen with his briefcase. NED No thanks. Ned sees Frank sitting at the kitchen table, hair messed up, coveralls hastily pulled on inside-out. Frank is reading a copy of INSURANCE DIGEST magazine. A headline on the cover touts an article: "LIFE INSURANCE FOR YOUR CAT!... Cover All Nine Lives For The Price of One!" Ned's smile fades. LANA Frank here was just grabbing a little before going back to work on my car. He steps over to the table... gives Frank a cool stare. NED How long you been working on Lana's Mercedes, Frank? FRANK (shrugs) Oh... I don't know... six, seven weeks. NED And ya still haven't found the problem? FRANK (a leering smile) Think I got my finger on it though. Ned turns to Lana. NED I know what he's doing, Lana. I wasn't born yesterday. He's not fixing your car. He's SCREWING you! Lana tenses up at this. Frank freezes. He figures they've been busted. He sits there, holding the magazine, not moving a muscle... as Ned turns on him. NED YOU are screwing my wife! I can see what your game is, Frank. You open up her hood, poke around in there... squirt some lubrication in... play around with all her parts... then take an old used piston and stick it in... then pull it out... in, out, in, out! Every day! There's no end to it. You just keep coming and COMING!... and the bill just gets bigger and BIGGER! Lana braces herself against the sink, breathless... turned on by Ned's description. Ned goes to her, sympathetic. NED But you don't see it, do you, Lana? You're too good... too pure. You can't see the evil in people like him. (turns to Frank) Well, you're not getting away with it, pal. I'm pulling the plug! You're fired! LANA (breathless) Ned... don't you have to be somewhere? NED (checks his watch) Oh... yeah. Thanks, honey. I'm late for court. He goes to kiss her mouth and she turns her cheek to him. He looks at her lovingly... touches her face tenderly. NED You are so naive. He picks up his briefcase, gives Frank a nasty look, then exits thru the back door. Lana and Frank stare at each other lustfully, really hot now! Frank sweeps the dishes off the table with his arm. Lana leaps into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. He lays her down on the kitchen table, standing over her. Suddenly, Ned opens the back door, glaring right at Frank... not even noticing Lana on the table. NED Finish your coffee... then GET OUT! He slams the door. A beat. Lana and Frank begin to devour each other with passionate kisses. Another beat. The front doorbell RINGS once... then again. FRANK Who's that? LANA Just the postman. He always rings twice. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY Richly appointed with stately oak, walls lined with law books. As in all "Noir" thrillers, venetian blinds cast dramatic slashes of light and ceiling fans turn lazily in every room. Ned hurries in, rummaging through the files on his desk. LAURA, a strikingly lovely brunette, enters from the outer office, files in hand. She is Ned's astute, dedicated, self- sacrificing "girl-friday" and legal secretary. She keeps his life from spinning crazily apart. She absolutely adores him. NED Laura... do you know where...? LAURA (hands him file) Right here. The judge decided to skip arraignment and take Milo direct to trial. You're six minutes late, but don't sweat it. You got Judge Allen. He's always eleven minutes late. She picks up a lawbook, flips it open to a dog-eared page. LAURA I suggest you try Lemming versus Florida, 1956... where the guy jumped in the water and everybody followed. NED (thinks about it) Yeah. Good idea. He smiles gratefully... drops the file into his briefcase. Ned heads for the office washroom. Laura darts ahead of him into the washroom and turns the water on. Ned steps in... splashes some water on his face. Laura grabs a towel from the rack where three small towels hang neatly... hands it to Ned. He dries his face, looking at her with genuine fondness and gratitude. NED I don't know what I'd do without you? She glances toward the toilet, notices it hasn't been flushed. She FLUSHES it, lowers the seat. LAURA Really? She sits down on the toilet seat, watching him adoringly as he shaves with an electric razor. NED Laura, how long have you worked for me? LAURA Two years, seven months, twenty-three days, nineteen hours... (checks her watch) ...six minutes and fifty-two seconds. (softly, to herself) ...fifty-three... fifty-four... fifty- five... fifty-six... NED And when was the last time I gave you a raise? Laura neatly folds the end of the toilet paper into a point. LAURA Never. But that's okay. I don't need a raise. In fact... I was thinking of giving you a rebate on my salary. He clicks off the razor, turns to look at her for a long moment, considering this, then... NED Naw. That's okay. You keep it. He gives her a manly pat on the shoulder then casually tosses the towel onto the rack, where it hangs sloppily askew... right next to her face. He exits. Laura stares at the towel with a tortured expression. The CAMERA PUSHES IN to her face as we see... INT. ULTRA-MODERN BEACH HOUSE - DAY Scrawled on a steamed-up bathroom mirror - FLASHBACK - CAPE COD - THREE YEARS EARLIER. A hand wipes the mirror off, revealing Laura... younger, longer hair, with a nasty black eye. LAURA'S HUSBAND appears behind her, glaring insanely. He looks toward the towel rack. There are three towels... with HIS - HIS - HIS embossed along the bottom edge. One towel hangs longer than the others. LAURA'S HUSBAND Did we forget something? She meekly lines up all the towels. LAURA'S HUSBAND Did we forget something? She meekly lines up all the towels. INT. BEACH HOUSE KITCHEN - DAY Laura's Husband pulls the cupboard open. All the cans and boxes are neatly stacked in straight lines. All except one. She straightens it... trembling with fear. EXT. DECK OF BEACH HOUSE - DAY He pulls her outside, nodding toward a line of tall PINE trees behind the house. They are all straight and even... except one, whose tall branches tower conspicuously above the rest. He holds up a chainsaw, nodding toward the trees. Shaking and tearful... she backs into the house. END FLASHBACK BACK TO LAURA SCREAMING out in terror! Ned rushes in, shaking her. NED Laura. Laura! What is it? LAURA (coming out of it) I'm okay, I'm okay. I just get a bit... claustrophobic... in the bathroom. NED Maybe we should try some prune juice. He gives her shoulder a consoling squeeze, then exits. She shakily straightens the towels and regains her composure. Ned opens a wardrobe closet in his office. He walks along, looking at thirty exactly identical blue suits, hanging neatly. Laura follows behind him. He stops and stares, indecisive. LAURA Wear the blue one. INT. COURTROOM - DAY Ned turns dramatically to face the jury. NED Ladies and gentlemen... I ask you... does this look like the face of a crook? ANGLE - MILO CRUMLEY sitting next to Laura at the defense table... STILL wearing the panty hose over his head. BACK TO SCENE NED Of course it does. But the question of my client's guilt or innocence is not the issue here today. I'm certain every member of the jury can clearly see that he's guilty! BLIND JUROR I can't. ANGLE ON NED - JURY'S POV Ned ignores this, turning to look directly at the CAMERA as he addresses the jury... holding up a pair of nylon pantyhose. NED Put yourself in his shoes. Look through his eyes. See the world the way HE sees it! He puts the pantyhose over the LENS, obscuring our view. NED Things just don't look the same. It's fuzzy... and frightening! NEW ANGLE - TO INCLUDE NED AND JURY The nylon pantyhose are draped over the frightened face of a WOMAN JUROR. All the other Jurors are holding up their own socks and nylon stockings, trying to peer through them. Ned steps over to Milo, motioning toward him. NED Ladies and gentlemen... Milo Crumley is not the perpetrator here. He is the VICTIM! Milo unwraps a piece of bubble gum and pushes it into his panty-hose covered mouth, chewing the nylon and gum together. NED Like ALL of us... this man is the unfortunate victim of these tragically difficult economic times. And what does that mean? He can't support his family! Ned motions toward the gallery, where we SEE... ...MILO'S WIFE and TWO CHILDREN, all wearing panty hose over their faces. Ned motions toward Milo. NED For God's sake!... He can't even support his own FACE! JUDGE ALLEN notices that Milo is chewing gum. JUDGE ALLEN Mr. Crumley... you cannot chew gum in my courtroom... unless you have enough for everyone. Milo holds up a big plastic bag filled with bubble gum. Judge Allen grabs it, takes a piece of gum and hands it to the Bailiff. JUDGE ALLEN Bailiff. Pass these out. The Bailiff takes the bag, offers one to Ned... who takes a piece, unwraps it and starts chewing. The Bailiff then proceeds to pass out gum to EVERYONE in the courtroom. The JURY FOREMAN raises his hand and clears his throat. JUDGE ALLEN And don't forget the jury. NED And so, desperate and broke, with no other options before him, Mr. Crumley went to eleven Savings & Loans and did what any of you would have done. He stole back the money that the S&Ls had stolen from him! The courtroom erupts in CHEERS! Judge Allen raps the gavel. JUDGE ALLEN (interrupting) Mr. Ravine... please approach the bench. He does. The Judge leans toward him, reaching out to cover the microphone, covering the end of the gavel instead. The Judge's voice is AMPLIFIED over the courtroom speakers. JUDGE ALLEN You're not running for congress here, so knock off the speeches and quit inciting these brainless morons! Now pick up the pace and wrap this son- of-a-bitch up! Call your first witness. Ned turns... looking out over the courtroom. NED I call... Detective Ned Ravine. There is a surprised GASP from the crowd... and a loud MURMUR. The BAILIFF holds out a video box. It's titled HOLY BIBLE - THE VIDEO. Ned puts one hand on it, raises the other. BAILIFF Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? NED I do. Ned sits down... then gets up, his demeanor changing. NED Detective Ravine, at the time of the arrest, did you read the defendant his Miranda rights? He slips back into the witness box. NED Of course. That's standard procedure. Ned steps over to Arch, who is sitting in the first row of the gallery. Arch hands him the Miranda "cue cards." NED Are these the cards Officer Brooks used to prompt you while reading Mr. Crumley his rights? He lays them on the corner of the stand... then slips into the chair. He picks the cards up and flips thru them. On the back we can see scribbled... "NED'S IDIOT CARDS" NED Yeah. These are them. Ned jumps to his feet, pacing dramatically, grabbing the cards. NED Reading from the cards now... quote "You have the right to remain silent, if you waive that right, anything you say... may be used against you in a court of law." Is that right? NED (back in the chair) That's right. NED (stands up, announces) WRONG! The official Miranda warning is... "anything you say CAN be used against you in a court of law." Not "may"... "CAN!" (on the attack) Don't you know the difference between "can" and "may", Detective? Every school kid knows "can" is a verb that indicates ability to perform, while "may" is a verbal auxiliary indicating the permission to act. Ned pivots into the witness stand, changing his attitude from aggressive attorney to defensive, angry witness as he hits the chair. NED I didn't have time to worry about past participles or interrogative pronouns! I was trying to protect society from a deranged MADMAN! (leaps up, pointing) But this ivy league fop...!!! The courtroom ERUPTS! The Judge bangs the gavel. Ned strides proudly toward the defense table. NED I have no more use for this witness. JUDGE ALLEN Mr. Ravine... Ned turns. The Judge motions with a finger for Ned to approach the bench. Ned does, resting his hand on it. JUDGE ALLEN I'm dismissing this case on the grounds of improper grammar. The Judge smacks Ned's hand with a ruler! NED Ow! PROSECUTOR (jumps up) But your Honor...! JUDGE ALLEN I know, I know. It's a technicality. But it's the kind of technicality that makes the American legal system what it is today! Court's adjourned! The Judge mistakenly picks up the microphone and whacks it on the bench like a gavel. BAM! BAM! BAM! It is DEAFENING! Everyone covers their ears in pain. The THX Sound System Logo appears at the bottom of the screen... along with "The Courtroom Is Listening" INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON Ned turns the key... enters through the private door. He HEARS the plaintive sound of a saxophone playing Lola's Theme... his eyes drawn to the slightly opened door to the outer office. ANGLE - NED'S POV THRU OPENING A gorgeous pair of legs, sleek nylons, high-heeled shoes. There are several CANDY WRAPPERS, CIGARETTE BUTTS and other pieces of TRASH stuck to the bottom of one shoe. NED pushes the door open. It's Lola. She wears a tight white dress, long white gloves and broad-brimmed hat. The hat tips up slowly, revealing her eyes. LOLA I waited. You never came back. Ned reaches in his pocket, pulls out a wet paper towel. NED I got busy. Here's that paper towel I promised. LOLA Thanks... NED How'd you get in? The door was locked. Lola proudly holds up a tiny bobbie pin. She smiles. LOLA It's miraculous what a real woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing something, heaves a sigh, goes back to the door. He tries the knob, but the door is locked. He looks through the small window. He sees Lola standing inside... breathing heavily, bracing herself against the staircase bannister, hand to her heaving chest as if to calm a pounding heart. He pushes against the door. It won't budge. He goes to the large window, gazing inside. She slides one hand enticingly across her breast and thigh, striking a seductive pose. He points toward the door, motioning for her to unlock it. She looks away. Frustrated, Ned tries the window. It's locked. He picks up a wrought iron chair, SLAMS it into the window! The heavy chair falls apart. The glass doesn't even vibrate! He sees a riding power mower in the driveway... jumps into the seat, starts the engine... barreling toward the front of the house! THUNDER CRASHES and LIGHTNING FLASHES in the sky! He PLOWS into the side of the house, SMASHING a huge hole thru the wall!... MOWING a swath in the carpet! Lola GASPS. Ned climbs off the mower, moving toward her. She opens her arms, breathless. The MUSIC SWELLS dramatically! She intercepts him, embracing him passionately. LOLA I knew you'd come back... NED (looking past her) I forgot my car keys. He struggles free, grabbing his car keys from the hall table. She follows, embracing him again, even more tenaciously. LOLA That's not what you came back for. NED Yes it is. Impatient, she crushes her mouth against his, kissing him hard, desperately clawing at his clothes. She's relentless... devouring him with her lips and tongue. Overwhelmed, he succumbs to her passion. His car keys drop from his hand. She pushes him down toward the floor. LOW ANGLE - AT FLOOR LEVEL Her hands grasp his shirt, ripping it open. The buttons fly in all directions! She grabs at his leather belt, twisting it in her hands... ripping it in two! She grabs his pants by the cuffs... rips one pant leg off! Then the other!... tossing them over each shoulder! Ned and Lola tumble across the floor, arms and legs entangled... rolling themselves up in a rug in the process. ANGLE - FIREPLACE A roaring fire. We HEAR O.C. MOANING and HEAVY BREATHING. The CAMERA TILTS DOWN to a sheepskin rug in front of the fireplace. No one is there! A crystal vase falls, CRASHING on the stone hearth. The CAMERA TILTS UP to REVEAL Ned and Lola... stretched out on the mantle, ravishing each other. ANGLE - THE REFRIGERATOR The door suddenly BURSTS OPEN! Ned and Lola tumble out... wrapped in each other's arms, food tumbling out with them. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. ANGLE - THE DINING ROOM TABLE The table wiggles. The CAMERA MOVES UP to REVEAL Ned and Lola kissing passionately. She lays on the table, arms and legs stretched upward... a spinning plate balanced on the pointed finger of each hand... and a large spinning platter balanced on the end of her pointed left toe. Her right foot brushes the platter to keep it spinning. The Ed Sullivan Show position. SEVERAL ANGLES - IN BED -- Ned and Lola's entangled legs, moving under the sheets. -- Ned sitting, wrists tied to the brass bed with silk scarves. -- Lola, also with her wrists tied to the bed with silk scarves. -- Then... A WIDER ANGLE... revealing that they are BOTH tied... at opposite ends of the same bed! ANGLE - THE BASEMENT STAIRS Wrapped in each other's arms, they tumble down the stairs... crashing into a workbench, still kissing passionately! ANGLE - A WALL SOCKET Ned's hand plugs in a cord. RACK FOCUS to a soft lamb's wool BUFFER WHEEL rising into frame, WHIRRING. It dips into an open can of FLOOR WAX... then moves over to Lola's naked body, buffing the surface of her skin to a high gloss. The CAMERA MOVES to her EYES. They're CROSSED in ecstasy. ANGLE - THE BEDROOM FLOOR HEAVY BREATHING. SQUEAKY BED NOISES. The CAMERA MOVES up along the mattress. The bed moves with a jerky rhythm. The CAMERA REVEALS Lola's hand, grasping the sheet tightly. WE MOVE UP to Lola, lying face down against the pillow. LOLA (breathless) ...don't... stop... FULL SHOT - THE BED Ned jumps up and down on the bed like a trampoline! Lola is on her stomach, bouncing each time Ned's feet hit the bed. LOLA ...Oh Ned... please... don't... stop... He does a complete BACK FLIP!... then keeps bouncing. EXT. THE ROOFTOP - NIGHT The wind blows. THUNDER and LIGHTNING! RAIN pours down. Ned and Lola, both in yellow rain slickers, ravish each other lustfully on the roof, sliding down the incline of shingles. Oblivious to the peril, they slip right over the edge! They hang from the eaves trough, each clutching it with one hand while still holding one another with their free arms... kissing passionately. The trough breaks! They fall! ANGLE - THE GROUND BELOW They roll out of the bushes onto the lawn, arms and legs entangled. They fall apart, gasping for breath. A beat. LOLA That takes care of foreplay. Ned's eyes widen. Lola grins lustily, rolling on top of him. INT. PRISON CELL - MORNING The cell wall is a clutter of PHOTOS: Hitler... Mussolini... Charles Manson... and his mother, Mrs. Shady. A man's muscular naked torso rises into frame, his back to us. He's doing pull-ups, his body covered with TATTOOS! Quotes on each arm... "Don't have a cow, man!" - Bart Simpson... and "I know you are, but what am I?" - Pee Wee Herman. On one shoulder, a gravestone with the epitaph "I told you I was sick!" In the center of his back... we see a big tattoo of Ned's face labeled "DEAD MEAT." A GUARD opens the cell door. GUARD It's time, Max. The prisoner turns. He's butt-ugly, hard, nasty looking. It's MAX SHADY... with a HUGE "Double Corona" CIGAR in his mouth. On his chest is a tattoo that reads: THIS SPACE FOR RENT. He walks right toward the CAMERA LENS and the FRAME goes TO BLACK. MATCH CUT TO: BLACK FRAME EXT. FEDERAL PRISON - MORNING Two huge iron doors swing open and a mob of milling REPORTERS rushes forward, surrounding Max Shady. He wears a blue suit just like Ned's. The Reporters have no microphones, but shove their empty hands at Max as if they do. They shout questions. REPORTER #1 Mr. Shady! What's the first thing you're gonna do now that you're out? MAX SHADY Find Ned Ravine... rip his head off and use it for a bowling ball! REPORTER #2 Are you a good bowler? REPORTER #3 You ever bowled a three-hundred game? REPORTER #4 How would you handle a seven-ten split? REPORTER #1 Say, aren't you wearing one of Ravine's "trademark" blue suits? MAX SHADY Yeah. The bastard gave it to me as a gift... to make up for losing my case. Now I'm going to wear it to his friggin' funeral!! Shady sees someone o.s., waves like a gleeful little kid. MAX SHADY Ma! INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - MORNING A ceiling fan rotates slowly... a pair of shorts and a nylon stocking hanging from the blades. The house is a wreck! The CAMERA MOVES DOWN to Ned and Lola, both reclining in a big claw-foot bathtub, facing each other, their arms draped lazily over the sides. Ned's eyes are closed. "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo in the b.g. Lola's hand reaches for an ICE PICK on the floor, raising it up slowly. Then... CLICK!... ignites the cigarette lighter in the handle, touching the flame to the end of her cigarette. She chips away a big chunk of ice from the block in a silver ice bucket beside her... then sensuously rubs the ice across her breasts. Ned winces at the sight of this. Lola smiles at him, then lets the chunk of ice slide into the water... and pushes it between Ned's legs. He cringes, eyes crossed. The familiar repetition of MUSICAL notes from the stereo DRONES LOUDER... grabbing Ned's attention. NED That's Madam Butterfly, isn't it? LOLA Iron Butterfly. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. NED (listening) Oh yeah, sure... now I can hear it. LOLA It tells the sad story of a woman who is rejected by her lover after a brief, but torrid, affair... so she stalks him with an ice pick and stabs him with it more than a thousand times. NED Really? I never could understand the lyrics. He lifts his feet out of the water, dangles them over each side of the tub. He's still wearing one blue sock. Lola raises her feet out of the water. She's still wearing her high heel shoes. They are dripping. NED You know, what happened last night was very, uh... LOLA Yes... it was. I should check on my homeowners insurance. NED But we can't ever let it happen again. Ever! LOLA What are you saying, Ned? That you're rejecting me, your lover, after a brief, but torrid, affair?! Ned pulls his feet in, sits up... suddenly feeling vulnerable. He measures his words very, very carefully. NED I wouldn't put it exactly like that. It's just that... well, I'm married to a wonderful woman... who is very, very attractive... (but adds quickly) ...not that you aren't very attractive! His voice begins to ECHO and FADE as the CAMERA MOVES IN to a CU of Lola's enraged EYES! NED (voice echoing) ...you aren't very attractive... you aren't very attractive... you aren't very attractive... And then WE SEE... A CLOSE SHOT of her hand, grasping the ice pick... scratching it along the side of the tub, peeling back the porcelain. A GRATING SCREECH OVERLAPS to... INT. PET STORE - DAY TIGHT on a SCREECHING TROPICAL BIRD. We PULL BACK to reveal Ned looking around the store. His ripped pants have been temporarily repaired with big pieces of masking tape. A CLERK steps over with two big Parrots on her shoulders. CLERK Don't touch anything. You bond with it... you buy it. Whatdya want? NED I'd like to buy a pet. She eyes him suspiciously. CLERK Yeah. For what purpose? NED It's a gift... for my wife. CLERK Right. They all say that. NED She spends a lot of time alone. I thought it might be nice if she had something to keep her company. CLERK Yeah. Sure. I bet. How do I know you're not the kind of guy who punches out parakeets? Or takes some poor defenseless animal, throws it in a sack and runs over it with your car five or six times. NED I would never hurt an animal. CLERK Boy, I would. They're driving me CRAZY! Turns and SHOUTS at the noisy birds. CLERK Shuddup! They do. She turns back to Ned. CLERK Okay... tell me more about this broad you're married to. I like to match people with the pets they deserve. INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY A typical police squad room... smoke-filled, cluttered, busy. Arch sits at a desk doing paperwork, surrounded by the Gang Members... who are also filling out papers. Arch SINGS to himself, munching on nachos from a big pile of chips. The Gang Members harmonize with him. A Gang Member reaches for a nacho chip. Arch grabs for the gun in his shoulder holster. ARCH Uh-uh. The Gang Member drops the chip. Arch pops it in his mouth, continues singing. The Gang Members join in with harmony. Ned enters in the background, carrying a box with airholes in it. He steps over to his desk, looking at the singing Gang Members, then motions like a choir leader, cutting them off neatly. NED (doubtful) You do all my paperwork? They all hand over their completed paperwork. Ned stares at them for a beat... surprised. NED Get out of here. They do. He opens the files... checks out the papers. Arch notices something O.S. and gets up. ARCH And a damn good job, too. One of 'em even did it in Spanish. Arch turns the sound up on a wall-mounted TV monitor. ARCH Hey Ned! Catch this! Friend of yours. On the screen... it's Max Shady speaking to the press. MAX (O.S.) (on T.V.) ...I'd like to reach down Ned Ravine's throat and pull out his guts with my bare hands! ARCH (shocked) Jesus... you hear that? NED He's just working through his anger, trying to find a constructive outlet. ARCH Are you kiddin'! He'll do it! The guy's a friggin' looney! NED Trust me, I spent a lot of time with him when I was preparing his case. He's really a very sweet, sensitive human being. MAX (on T.V.) I'd like to mash his head like a ripe melon... NED He gets a little melon-dramatic. MAX (on T.V.) ...then cut off all his fingers and rip out his liver with my teeth! NED (shrugs) See. Loves to exaggerate. Arch slumps in his chair, really stunned. ARCH Christ, Ned... you're in deep shit. Ned laughs it off. He starts checking through the messages and paperwork on his desk. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up. NED Lieutenant Ravine. Ned's face darkens. He turns away. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - TIGHT SHOT - LOLA'S MOUTH - DAY Speaking into the phone... intense, obsessive. LOLA I want to see you, Ned. INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY NED (whispering harshly) I told you not to call me! It's finished between us. No. No, I'm not sucking anything of yours anymore! (voice gets louder) It's done! OVER! He SLAMS the receiver down, shattering the phone! Everyone stares at Ned in stunned silence. NED (shrugs it off) Wrong number. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DAY She's in the bathtub, phone receiver in one hand, still jabbing at the porcelain tub with the ice pick. Water squirts from the holes she's punctured in the side of the tub. She flings the ice pick at the wall. It sticks! EXT. PARK - DAY Lana is seated on a park bench wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses. Frank walks up, looks around nervously, pretending not to know Lana. He sits down next to her. FRANK How come we gotta meet here? LANA We have to be careful now. We can't risk being seen together at the house or someone might connect us to the murder later on. She hands him a hat. LANA Here... put this on. She takes her sunglasses off, looks at him. He hesitates, staring at the hat. A dignified looking OLDER GENTLEMAN approaches. Frank quickly slips the hat on his head. The Older Gentleman sits on the bench across from them. He opens a paper sack and begins neatly laying his lunch out next to him. An apple, sandwich, napkin, Mountain Dew. LANA (whispers to Frank) Speak Yiddish. FRANK What? LANA Red Yiddish. We see the SUB-TITLE "Speak Yiddish." From this point on, all their dialog is in YIDDISH... but it appears in ENGLISH SUB-TITLES across the bottom of the screen. FRANK Ich hobe getracht, efsher iz der nisht geshtoigen un nisht gefloygen. (I been thinkin'... maybe this plan is too complicated.) LANA Zein nisht azoy meshige! Der plan iz kosher vi yosher. (Quit worrying. The plan is perfect.) INTERCUT - ANGLE ON OLDER GENTLEMAN He tosses crumbs of his sandwich to the pigeons, occasionally glancing up at Frank and Lana. Whenever they speak, however, his eyes look down toward their legs. INTERCUT - MEDIUM TWO-SHOT ON FRANK AND LANA with SUB-TITLES across the bottom of screen, about knee-level. FRANK Yo! Ober mir darfen imvarfen in tsug. Un schissen un schtippen in vasser arein. Oy a broch! Mir zenen git bakackt. (Yeah, but we gotta get him on the train, shoot him... then push him in the river. There's a million ways we can screw up.) LANA Vus iz mit idr? Die host a vaichen schmoke? (You're not going soft on me, are you?) FRANK Ven hob ich gehat a vaichen schmoke? (When have I ever gone soft on you?) LANA Lest'n Yomkippur. (Last Yom Kippur.) FRANK Nu shoin, ein mul. Es paseert tsie yeyden man. (Okay... once! It happens to every guy.) He looks around nervously. FRANK Oy! Mir vellen zein oif groise tsures. Me'vet unz chap'n. (We're going to be in big trouble. They're going to catch us.) OLDER GENTLEMAN There's very little risk involved. Statistics reveal that less than thirty-two percent of all murderers are ever apprehended. They both look at him... stunned. A long beat. LANA You speak Yiddish? OLDER GENTLEMAN No. But I can read sub-titles. Frank and Lana are speechless. But across the bottom of the screen we see a SUB-TITLE reflecting their thoughts. SUB-TITLE Oy vay! INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY Ned enters, carrying the box. He sets it down on her desk. LAURA Oh gee, you shouldn't have... NED I didn't. It's for my wife. He goes into his office, starts to change out of his tattered suit. Laura talks to him from the outer office. LAURA She called. Wondered why you never came home last night. I told her you were working with a client, undercover. She steps into the doorway of his office. LAURA Were you? NED What? LAURA There's lipstick on your collar. She returns to her desk. Disturbed, Ned quickly pulls the shirt collar out, checks it. NED No there isn't. LAURA No... there isn't. But you answered my question. She's a real looker, huh? NED Who? LAURA Lola Cain. NED I hadn't noticed. She opens the blinds behind her and looks at Ned through the window between their offices. LAURA Yeah, I noticed how you hadn't noticed. (returns to work) That's alright. She noticed enough for both of us. She picks up a stack of papers from the FAX machine. Ned steps into the doorway, wearing a clean shirt. LAURA I worry about you, Ned. I worry a lot. (hands him papers) Max Shady's been faxing death threats to you all morning. NED (reading bits) ...stick a knife in your... (reacts, next) ...rip the eyeballs out of your... (next) ...drive razor-sharp spikes under your... LAURA Did you get to the one...? NED ...cut it off... shove it in a blender. LAURA Yeah... that one. NED (tosses them aside) He's just getting it out of his system. Once they say it... they never do it. You know... like the President. There's a KNOCK at the door. They look up to see an ominous SILHOUETTE of a MAN on the milkglass. Ned starts toward the door. Laura grabs his arm, stopping him. LAURA (whispers) Wait. It might be him. She opens her purse, pulls out a big COLT .45, holding it out to him. Ned stares at it, taken aback. NED Where did you get that? LAURA (as if obvious) From my purse. NED What are you doing with it? LAURA (still obvious) Handing it to you. NED Jeez, Laura, what do you use a gun for? LAURA You shoot it. A bullet comes out. Gosh, Ned, after all your years as a cop, I'd think you'd know these things. NED Laura... put the gun away. He hands the gun back to her... goes to the door... opens it. There's a young DELIVERY MAN holding a bouquet of flowers. DELIVERY MAN (checks card) Flowers for Ned Rav... (looks up) Hey... aren't you that lawyer guy? Man, you are dead meat! Ned grabs the flowers, slams the door. Laura takes the envelope from the flowers... opens it. LAURA Is this another sick joke from Max Shady? She looks at the card... her expression turning cold. NED What is it...? LAURA (hands it to him) Lola Cain. She grabs the flowers... takes them into the bathroom. LAURA I'll put these in water for you. Ned opens the envelope. An audio cassette drops into his hand. Written on the label: PLAY ME. From the bathroom, we hear the LOUD SOUND of a TOILET FLUSHING. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT It's raining. Ned pops the cassette into the tape player. LOLA'S VOICE Ned, darling... I know this seems like a strange way to talk with you... but since you won't take my calls, I have no other choice. (then suddenly) Watch it! That red car's turning left! Ned swerves to avoid a collision, HONKING his horn. LOLA'S VOICE I love you, Ned. We're meant to be together... forever. (then suddenly) The light's changing! Floor it! Go! Go! Go! Ned guns it!... accelerating through a yellow light. LOLA'S VOICE Nice move! (then sincere again) Nothing can keep us apart, Ned. Not even your wife. I'd hate to have to tell her about us, but if necessary... I will. We see HEADLIGHTS behind Ned's car. INT. LOLA'S CAR - NIGHT She is following him, her eyes intense, obsessed. Dizzy sits in the back seat, noodling softly on his saxophone. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ned steps into the living room carrying the box. Lana comes down the stairs, pulling on a bathrobe. LANA What happened to you last night? NED (guilty as charged) Why? What have you heard? LANA (sarcastic) You could have called. But then, I suppose you were tied up. NED (reflecting back) Only part of the time. LANA I never know when you're coming home, Ned. How can I ever make any plans? In the b.g., through the window, WE SEE Frank drop from the second floor, right onto the seat of a waiting motorcycle. He ZOOMS OFF into the night. Ned steps up behind Lana, slips his arms around her. NED I promise I'll spend more time with you. I know it's been rough, being alone so much. But I'll make it up to you. Maybe we should try again, you know... to have a baby. She rolls her eyes at this... changes the subject. LANA So what's in the box? NED Oh... I brought you a present! He hands it to her. She opens it, looks in. She looks up, struggling unsuccessfully to hide a look of displeasure. LANA What is it? NED It's... sorta like a cat. Ned pulls out a PET SKUNK and puts it in Lana's lap. She forces a weak smile. LANA Not enough like a cat. NED It's a little skunk. I got it at Birds-and-Skunks-R-Us. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT Lola stands in the pouring rain outside, drenched... staring at Lana and Ned through the window. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT NED So... what're you going to name him? LANA How about... Ned? NED (thinks about it) Yeah. Got a nice ring to it. I've always liked the name Ned. LANA No kidding. He puts his arms around them both. NED So whatdya think? You love Ned Junior as much as you love me? LANA At least. The phone RINGS. Lana stands up, unceremoniously dropping the Skunk into Ned's arms. She goes into... THE ADJOINING ROOM ...to answer the phone. LANA Hello?... Hello?... Hello? (then, whispering) Frank? Is that you? EXT. THE HOUSE - NIGHT Lola is in a glass telephone booth with venetian blinds and a ceiling fan. She cracks the blinds open. In the background, through a window, we can see Lana in the house on the phone. LANA (filtered) I told you not to call. Frank? FRANK! INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned enters the cavernous marble rotunda, turns down a hallway crowded with milling attorneys and defendants. Lola suddenly intercepts him... a newspaper trailing from her high heel shoe. LOLA Who's Frank? NED Frank? The only Frank I know is an auto mechanic... but I sure as hell wouldn't recommend the guy. He's really slow. He starts to move off, but she stops him, impassioned. LOLA I had to see you, Ned. I need to feel your arms around me! I wanna suck your toes til the nails pop off! Lola's voice ECHOES. BYSTANDERS gather, listening. Ned looks around self-consciously, embarrassed. NED I told you, what happened was a big mistake. A one night stand. It's over. I have a wife... The CROWD presses closer... not missing a thing. A WOMAN snaps a FLASH PICTURE! A MAN turns on his video camera. LOLA It doesn't matter. She'll know all about us soon anyway. I want YOU! In my bed... in my arms... in MEEEEEEE! Mortified, Ned spins on his heels and makes a bee-line for the safety of the Men's Room. Lola holds up two tickets. LOLA I got us tickets to see Iron Butterfly! NED I hate opera! INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY Ned bursts in, goes to the urinal... not noticing BEN ARUGULA, an older gentleman in a business suit, standing at the urinal next to him. A beat later... Lola enters. LOLA Why are you running from me? Didn't it mean ANYTHING to you?... buffing my buns with carnuba wax? (looks down) Come on, Neddy-poo. Doesn't Mr. Pokey want to go exploring? NED He's busy right now. Arugula glances sideways at Ned, curious and uneasy. NED Look, I told you... Mr. Pokey made a big mistake! One lousy mistake in his whole stinkin' life! So why don't you give him a BREAK! Besides... he belongs to my wife! EXT. SHOOTING RANGE - DAY Lana FIRES her gun rapidly... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!... over her shoulder, behind her back, under her leg. ANGLE ON TARGET A full-body cut-out of a man, wearing one of Ned's trademark gray suits. A HUGE SMOKING HOLE has been blown right through the crotch! Lana smirks, inhales the SMOKE from the gun barrel... and blows it out. INT. COURTROOM - DAY TILT DOWN from an official government seal that reads "ARS GRATIA ARTIS." JUDGE Ben Arugula... the distinguished looking gentleman from the men's room, sits on the bench. Ned, Laura and a SLIMY DEFENDANT stand at the defense table. JUDGE ARUGULA I'd like to congratulate Mr. Pokey for setting yet another unusual legal precedent. This is the first time I've ever tried a case in which the JURY was found to be insane. ANGLE - JURY AND BAILIFF The BAILIFF is handing out straitjackets to all the JURORS. The Jury Foreman struggles to get his on and laced up. BAILIFF (to another Juror) What're you? A thirty-eight long? BACK TO JUDGE ARUGULA JUDGE ARUGULA The jury will be remanded to the Center For Unclear Thinking in Simi Valley. Court's adjourned. INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY The JURY is led from the courtroom in straitjackets and chains. Ned and Laura follow them out. NED Your BIRTHDAY! Today? Why didn't you tell me? LAURA It's not important. I just had one last year. NED Well, I'm taking you out to celebrate! In the b.g. the Slimy Defendant pulls a gun and forces CITIZENS... including Judge Arugula... up against the wall, robbing them! LAURA Oh no no! It's no big thing. I'll have another one sometime. NED I insist. And I want to get you a nice present. LAURA You're so sweet. You don't have to. You gave me a present last year. Those lovely Ginzu knives. NED Yeah... aren't they great! They last forever. And you can cut right through a shoe with 'em! As they walk off, we HOLD ON a CLOSE SHOT of a newspaper. The headline reads: EX-CON STALKS COP/LAWYER NED RAVINE! Below it is a picture of Max Shady, eyes wide with psychotic rage... a huge cigar in his mouth, wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt. Hands lower the newspaper... revealing Max himself, with the same cigar, shirt and crazed look on his face. INT. LE MISS FASHION BOUTIQUE - DAY - MONTAGE Laura models hats... each one becoming more outrageous. She coaxes Ned into joining her. They BOTH try on WOMEN's hats... smiling and laughing... as "Brown Eyed Girl" plays. In one of the mirrors, we SEE Max Shady's reflection... as he also tries on women's hats, watching them, puffing his cigar. INT. LE HULA BOWL RESTAURANT - NIGHT Laura wears a baseball cap with beer cans attached to each side with long, curved plastic straws. The cap emblem reads "BEER BIMBO." A price tag hangs from it. She is beaming. In the b.g., Hawaiian DANCERS juggle flaming torches as they dance around an ICE SCULPTURE of a Hula Dancer. NED It's nice to be off the streets... away from all the pain and misery out there. Ned motions casually toward the world "out there"... sticking his thumb into the eye of a WAITER who is bending over to pick up a spoon, setting off a chaotic CHAIN REACTION of small disasters that finally culminates with someone near the dance floor bumping into the Torch Juggler, throwing his rhythm off. Distracted, he starts catching the FLAMING ENDS of the torches! OW! OH! YI! OUCH! YIPES! He drops them all. The Waiter who bumped into him, politely picks up one of the flaming torches and hands it back to the Torch Juggler. He grabs the flaming end of the torch... and lets out a SCREAM! He lunges toward a voluptuous HULA GIRL ICE SCULPTURE, grabbing the frozen breasts. His burned hands SIZZLE! Ned and Laura don't even notice... gazing only at each other. LAURA (V.O.) What's he thinking when he looks at me with that goofy smile...? NED (V.O.) Boy, does she look stupid in that hat. LAURA (V.O.) If I told him how I really feel, he'd probably fire me. What am I saying? He probably doesn't even know I exist. NED (V.O.) Laura's incredible. And so smart. Smart enough to recognize that Ginzu knives are the gift of a lifetime. (then, concerned) But she never goes out with guys. I wonder why? LAURA (V.O.) I guess I'll just have to wait. But he's married. I could wait forever. Than again... maybe Lana will get hit by a runaway truck. There's always a chance that... NED (V.O.) (interrupting) But who cares if she... Oh, sorry. LAURA (V.O.) That's alright. I was just rambling. NED (V.O.) Go ahead... LAURA (V.O.) No, no, really... you first... NED (V.O.) I insist... please... LAURA Oh, uh... I just wanted to remind you about... NED ...the Legal Symposium... LAURA ...in Santa Barbara... NED ...tomorrow... NED & LAURA (in unison) ..."How To Sue Your Loved Ones." NED Yeah. I'm driving up in the morning. ANGLE - MAX SHADY sits at a corner table wearing a chic beret from the hat store, voraciously devouring a huge Hawaiian Pit Roasted Pig. He wrenches the apple from the Pig's mouth... takes a huge bite! BACK TO NED AND LAURA A saxophone begins to wail "Lola's Theme." Ned looks up, his eyes drawn to the lounge. He sees... Lola... striking a sexy pose on a bar stool, eyes locked on Ned. Dizzy walks thru, behind the bar, playing his sax. She grabs a handful of cherries from a glass on the bar, shoves them in her mouth, cheeks bulging, tongue moving furiously. A moment later, she pulls out a long chain of inter-locked cherry stems. Ned reacts, shaken, glancing nervously at Laura. She smiles, unaware. His eyes flash back to Lola. LAURA (V.O.) He's so cute. He can't even look me in the eye. Ned's reacts intensely to... LOLA - NED'S POV She stretches out sensuously on the bar, executing a series of humanly impossible erotic gymnastic positions! Then, wrapping her legs around a brass pole, she spins no-handed... until her thighs begin to SMOKE! REVERSE ANGLE - ON ENTIRE ROOM The eyes of every MALE in the restaurant are riveted on Lola! CLOSER ON NED AND LAURA The table starts to rise slowly on Ned's side, glasses sliding toward Laura. She reaches out to stop them... noticing Ned's distracted expression. LAURA (touching his arm) What is it, Ned? You can tell me. NED (sighs, reluctant) I'm a man, Laura. And all men feel passion at one time or another. Even me. LAURA (hopeful) Really? NED What would you think of a married man who gave in to those wild, sensual, raging desires? LAURA Oh... wow... golly... She gulps, eyes wide. The DRUMS pound faster as the Dancers in the b.g. pick up the frenetic tempo! NED What if, for just one crazy moment, he couldn't resist...? He got knocked for a loop and lost control? LAURA (smiles, eager) Gosh... that might be okay. Breathless, she breaks a sweat, gasping for air. The DRUMS beat LOUDER, FASTER. The b.g. Dancers whip into a frenzy! NED What if a tidal wave of lust crashed over him and he was sucked into a vortex of wild, thrashing urges? Both of Laura's ballcap beer cans EXPLODE! Beer SPRAYS out in a huge gush, drenching her! Ned is so preoccupied with his own dilemma, he doesn't even notice. He heaves a sigh... pats her hand... smiles philosophically. NED Well... it's not your problem. I'll work it out. ANGLE - AN ICE PICK grasped tightly in Lola's hand. She walks toward Ned and Laura, a seething rage in her eyes. As she passes the ice sculpture, she stabs the ice pick into the crystalline Hula Dancer's neck! The head breaks off. She catches it and keeps coming, tossing the head casually in one hand, like a basketball. Lola appears suddenly at Ned and Laura's table. They look up. LOLA (to Laura) Like some ice for your drink? She drops the ice Mermaid head. It shatters Laura's glass to bits! Lola turns to Ned with a cold glare. LOLA Does your wife know you're... "working" late? I certainly hope so, Mr. Ravine. She lights her cigarette with the ice pick lighter, then flips it like a jackknife. It STICKS into Ned's chair, right between his legs. Lola flashes a coldly arrogant smile at Laura... then exits. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - MORNING Frank opens the hood to Ned's car, holding a screwdriver in one hand... a wrench in the other. He doesn't know where to start. CLOSE ANGLE - MAX SHADY'S FEET - MORNING A NEWSBOY tosses a folded newspaper. It lands at Max Shady's feet. Max picks up the paper, opens it. The headline says: SHADY READS NEWSPAPER IN FRONT OF RAVINE RESIDENCE! Max looks around self-consciously, eyes shifting uneasily. INT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Lana stands by the front door. She calls upstairs to Ned. LANA Hurry up, darling. You'll be late! Frank slips in, wearing his greasy overalls. He wipes his hands on a rag... giving Lana a sly wink. FRANK (whispering) It's all taken care of. When do I knock on the door? LANA Wait until I signal you. When I raise the blinds... you knock. She steps over to the blinds and demonstrates. He knocks. LANA Not now! FRANK Oh, later... right... okay. She nods, patronizing. Frank exits. Lana picks up the Skunk, cuddling him. Ned comes down wearing his trademark gray suit. Lana kisses him passionately... a final farewell. LANA Drive carefully, sweetheart. Say bye- bye to Little Ned. He loves his daddy... don't you Stink Pot? NED (pets the skunk) See you tonight, Junior. As soon as Ned closes the door, Lana's smile vanishes and she casually tosses the Skunk aside with a LOUD CRASH O.C. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - MORNING Ned turns the car key. Nothing. He gets out, opens the hood. He stares... dumbfounded. INT. THE HOUSE - MORNING Ned comes in, visibly upset. Lana acts surprised. LANA What's wrong? NED This neighborhood is getting worse all the time! Damn kids stole my engine! LANA Why don't you catch the train to Santa Barbara? It leaves in twenty minutes. NED I'll just fly up. LANA No! Ned looks at her strangely. She catches herself. LANA I mean... you can't. Armed terrorists seized the airport this morning. A plane crashed into the tower... and all the runways are on fire! NED Yeah. So? LANA And it's fogged in. NED (disappointed) Dammit. LANA For my peace of mind... take the train. Lana goes to the window, starts to raise the blinds. NED I can't do it. You know how I feel about riding trains. She stops... letting the blinds drop down. LANA Darling... it's only a short trip. NED (reconsiders) Yeah... right. A short trip. She starts to raise the blinds again. He picks up the phone. NED (he hesitates) A short trip to hell in a metal tomb! He slams the receiver down. Lana drops the blinds again... LANA Just because both your parents died in a train wreck... NED And my brother, Jeff... LANA And your brother, Morty... NED My two sisters... LANA Right... NED My best friend, Al... my dog, Woof... Grandma Rose... and Uncle Lionel. All killed by trains! LANA (very convincing) Coincidence, Ned. Beside... that's the past. They're gone. NED (sighs, resigned) Yeah. I guess I can't bring them back by not riding on a train. LANA That's right. She starts to raise the blinds again... NED But I just can't get over this stupid nagging fear that... She abandons the blinds, leaving them raised part way... LANA Fear! What about our baby, Ned? I don't want to raise a child in a home filled with fear! There's a KNOCK at the door. Lana tugs on the cord and the blinds drop with a CRASH. The KNOCKING stops. She pretends it didn't even happen, racing on. LANA But if you can conquer your fear... maybe I can conquer my fear of having a baby with a father who's fearful. (goes for broke) Ned... don't let a train kill our child before it's even conceived! NED (heaves a sigh) I guess you're right. She grabs the cord, then hesitates... LANA You're sure now...? A beat. He nods. She quickly pulls the blinds up. NED But we'll never make it to the station. By the time a cab gets here... A LOUD KNOCK at the front door. Lana opens it. It's Frank. FRANK I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd stop by and pick up my tools. LANA Frank will drive you. Won't you Frank? FRANK Sure, I'll take you to the train station. They all freeze. Lana glares at Frank, who is completely unaware of his faux pas... while Ned tries to figure out why that response didn't sound right. INT. FRANK'S VAN - DAY They climb into the van. Ned nervously checks his watch. NED Twelve minutes. We'll never make it. EXT. FRANK'S VAN - DAY The CAMERA BOOMS DOWN LOW to reveal Max Shady under the van, hanging on like a leech, his back only inches from the road. The van drives off. INT. FRANK'S VAN - MINUTES LATER At an intersection... they see a "DETOUR" sign. Frank and Lana exchange concerned looks. Frank turns the corner. The van starts vibrating violently, tossing them around. NED (checks his watch) We're not going to make it. FRANK We'll make it! He shifts gears, guns the engine. They rocket ahead, BOUNCING WILDLY, their heads THUMPING the car roof! The van SPLASHES through deep water, a huge fantail spraying out on both sides. EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY The train is pulling in. The CAMERA PANS to Frank's muddy van as it drives up nearby. Frank waits in the van as Ned and Lana get out and walk toward the train. They pass a feeble OLD WOMAN struggling to drag a HUGE STEAMER TRUNK along the platform... inches at a time. A REDCAP passes her also, carrying a small overnight case for an attractive, elegantly attired SOCIALITE. Everyone ignores the Old Woman. Ned looks nervously at the train, already pale. LANA Okay... now what're you going to do if you feel queasy going through the tunnel? NED I'll stand in the vestibule between the cars. LANA That's right. When you get queasy... go stand in the vestibule between the cars. She kisses his cheek. He reluctantly boards the train. Her smile vanishes. She hurries back to the next car, nods at Frank, boards the train. Frank peels off his coveralls, follows her on. ANGLE - COACH PLATFORM Laura's Husband steps from the train, holding the deflated Ninja Turtle float ring. He looks around, then walks toward the cab stand. The CAMERA MOVES with him, then HOLDS ON... MAN READING NEWSPAPER - TIGHT SHOT The headline says: SHADY VOWS BLENDER VENGEANCE ON RAVINE! Under the headline is a picture of Max Shady... muddy, bloody, greasy, clothes ripped, cigar shredded... looking off. The paper lowers, revealing Max... a battered mess, looking off. He picks up a small violin case and quickly moves toward the train as it starts to pull out. We now SEE that the seat of Max's pants has been ripped out, his naked buttocks scratched and scraped raw by the road. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned stares out the window... apprehensive, nervous. Frank and Lana enter at the opposite end of the coach. They spot Ned, quickly ducking into a seat where they can observe him yet remain hidden from view behind the tall seatbacks. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY Max walks through the car looking for Ned. He pauses, puffing on his big cigar. A WOMAN PASSENGER looks up and is shocked to see Max's scraped bare butt hanging out only inches away. WOMAN PASSENGER OH! My dear gracious! Max swivels around to look at her... turning his bare behind toward an IRRITABLE MAN across the aisle. IRRITABLE MAN SIR! Would you PLEASE extinguish that foul smelling cigar? MAX (turning slowly) You want me to put out my CIGAR? YOU want me to put out my cigar? You want ME to put out my CIGAR? IRRITABLE MAN Yeah. MAX Certainly. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Max enters through the vestibule, without his cigar, stopping in his tracks when he sees Ned. He smiles to himself, then ducks back into the lavatory. INT. LAVATORY - DAY Max looks at himself in the mirror. He's a disaster. He opens the violin case, pulling out his trademark "Ned Ravine" gray suit on a hangar. It's not even wrinkled. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned looks pale... sweating... reacting tensely to every lurch and bump the train makes. The feeble Old Woman strains to pull her huge steamer trunk down the aisle, inch by inch, toward Ned. ANGLE ON FRANK AND LANA Lana peers over the seat, watching Ned with a cruel smile. LANA It's already getting to him. He'll be out of that seat and into the vestibule within ten minutes... I guarantee it. INT. LAVATORY - DAY Max is cleaned up, dressed in the suit. He straightens his tie, slicks his greasy hair back, sticks a big cigar in his mouth and grins at himself in the mirror. MAX You talkin' to me? You talkin' to ME? You... talkin'... to... ME? He reaches into the violin case, pulls out a complex assortment of metal parts, assembling them swiftly. CLICK... SNAP... CLUNK! It's an incredibly nasty looking high-tech, automatic weapon with gigantic cartridge clip. He screws on a long silencer and points the gun at the ceiling. POOF!... a muffled gunshot! Debris fall around him. He looks up. He has blown a HOLE through the roof of the coach. He adjusts the Silencer Volume Control, which has a scale from 1 thru 11. He turns it all the way down to "0"... DEAD SILENT. He pulls the trigger. The gun RECOILS, but there is absolutely NO SOUND! He has blown another HOLE in the ceiling. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned looks across the aisle to see a GROSS SLOB pulling all kinds of strange food items from a paper bag, making a big, sloppy, disgusting SANDWICH that squirts and drips all over. Ned turns away... really queasy now. INT. LAVATORY - DAY Max reaches into the case, pulls out A BLENDER! He plugs it into the outlet and REVS it a couple times, grinning wickedly. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Max steps out of the lavatory and sees the CONDUCTOR coming his way collecting tickets. He quickly spins around, slides the door open and steps into the vestibule between cars. The Conductor can't get past the Old Woman, so he climbs over the top of her trunk, with no thought of helping her. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Max looks out the side window, trying to conceal the weapon in front of him. The Conductor enters, sees him. CONDUCTOR Ticket? Without turning, Max holds the ticket up over his shoulder. The Conductor takes it, punches it, notices the gun barrel. CONDUCTOR Sorry pal... automatic weapons are only allowed in the club car after nine p.m. Max turns, raising the gun with a nasty GROWL. The Conductor casually snaps a baggage tag to the barrel, taking the gun. CONDUCTOR I'll check it with baggage. You can claim it at the depot in Santa Barbara. The Conductor drops the weapon into a big mesh bag... along with a dozen other guns he's collected. He exits. Max whirls around facing the window, eyes filled with rage. Now what? INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY A gun barrel slowly protrudes between the seats in front of Frank and Lana. Their eyes widen. Suddenly, a stream of water hits Frank in the face! He sputters. A LITTLE KID named JEFF scrambles into the aisle. JEFF Hi! I'm Jeff and I'm eight years old. Didja know if ya put a penny on the track it'll make the train crash? No kiddin'! You ever been in a wreck? My uncle has. Lotsa times. It's really neat. Everybody gets creamed! All bloody guts... heads ripped off and stuff... Hey... wanna hear my song "Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts"? Lana turns to Frank... inspired. She leans toward Jeff. LANA You want to earn a couple bucks, kid? ANGLE ON NED Jeff bounces into the seat across from Ned. JEFF Hi! I'm Jeff and I'm eight years old. Didja know if ya put a penny on the track it'll make the train crash? ANGLE ON FRANK AND LANA Lana peers over the seat at Ned. She smiles. LANA He's losing it. You better get up to the next car. Remember, give me the high sign as soon as you see the river. It'll be two minutes and nine seconds past the tunnel. I'll take care of the rest. Anything goes wrong... just make sure you back me up. (grabs his collar) And don't let him see you. Frank gets up, moves down the aisle slowly, eyes on Ned. He can't squeeze past the Old Woman, who is still struggling to pull her huge trunk down aisle. So... he climbs right over the top of it... oblivious to her. Frank stares at Ned warily as he gets closer. Suddenly, Jeff squirts a stream of water in Ned's eyes. Frank sees his chance, rushing past Ned toward the vestibule. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Frank races through the vestibule behind Max's back. By the time Max turns to see who's there... Frank is gone. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned wipes the water from his eyes, blinking. He grabs the squirt gun away from Jeff, holding it up angrily. NED This... is not a toy! JEFF Yes it is. A beat. Ned realizes he's right. Acting tough, he pulls the plug and drains the water out of the gun, then tosses it back to Jeff. Without missing a beat, Jeff drops the empty water magazine from the grip and jams a full one in... just like loading a cartridge clip. He smirks, ready for action. In the aisle next to them, the Old Woman now pulls her trunk back toward the vestibule. Jeff points the squirt gun at her. Suddenly, she whips around and SQUIRTS HIM in the face with her own squirt gun! He sputters! INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Max stares out the window, still seething. Behind him, the Old Woman moves into the vestibule, inch by inch, trying to drag her trunk into the first coach car. Max turns, sees her struggling and goes to her aid. MAX Here... let me help you with that. He pushes the trunk into the first coach car, then very politely holds the door open for her. She smiles sweetly at him as she shuffles through. OLD WOMAN What a nice young man. You are so polite. MAX (smiles) I try to be. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Jeff is SINGING to Ned... to the tune of "The Old Gray Mare." JEFF Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts... mutilated monkey meat... chopped up dirty birdie's feet... one pint jar of all-purpose porpoise pus... cooked in a Mulligan stew. Ned turns queasy. The train lurches. He stiffens. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY The Old Woman has unpacked her huge trunk. She has hung up clothes... set out a vase with flowers... hung up a big framed painting... and turned on a floor lamp. She pulls out a set of dumbbells, pumps them a couple times... and drops them on the floor with a loud CLUNK! Frank watches her from his seat across the aisle with a blank expression... only his eyes moving. The Conductor punches the Old Woman's ticket, then holds out his hand, waiting. She pulls out a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum... drops it in his bag. He waits. She pulls out an Uzi. EXT. THE TRACKS AHEAD - MOVING SHOT - DAY Up ahead, we see a tunnel approaching. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY JEFF (still singing) French fried eyeballs and ugly scabs you wanna pick... stuff to make your mother sick... dog poop on a stick... puke and snot all mixed together in a pot... Ned is looking very pale and queasy. Suddenly, Jeff jumps up... presses his face against the window. JEFF Oh boy! Here comes the tunnel! Ned can't take it anymore. He gets up, pale and sweating. EXT. TRACKS AHEAD - MOVING SHOT - DAY ...racing toward the tunnel! INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana sees Ned stumble shakily into the aisle, moving toward the vestibule. LANA Way to go, Ned. Right on time. The train enters the TUNNEL. Everything goes PITCH BLACK. A few beats, then... LIGHT fills the car again as they emerge from the tunnel. Lana looks. Ned is gone! She heads down the aisle. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY The Conductor is still tagging weapons as the Old Woman comes up with a Ruger Mini 14 machine gun, a Mauser C96 automatic handgun, a sawed-off double-barreled .12 gauge shotgun... and an old wooden slingshot. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana looks through the small window into the vestibule and catches a glimpse of a gray suit. She ducks back, leaning against the lavatory door. INT. LAVATORY - THE MIRROR - DAY Ned's dripping face rises up from the sink into view. He splashes more water on, trying to overcome his queasiness. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana reaches into her purse, pulls out a gun. She looks through the vestibule windows into the first coach car, her eyes searching for Frank. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - LANA'S POV - DAY Frank pokes his head out into the aisle, looking toward Lana. He waves at her. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana ducks back, pressing herself against the lavatory door... gripping the gun, tense. INT. LAVATORY - DAY Ned starts to open the door, then stops. He notices the violin case. Opens it. A couple of bullets roll around inside. Then, he sees the blender... puzzled. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana leans forward, looking through the vestibule windows, watching desperately for Frank's signal. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY Frank looks out the window and sees... EXT. THE RIVER - FRANK'S POV It looms ahead. INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Lana sees Frank's frantic signal. She raises the gun, pulls the hammer back and steps quickly into... INT. THE VESTIBULE - DAY Max hears someone enter. He stiffens... INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned steps out of the lavatory. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Lana FIRES!... blowing a hole right through Max and the window behind him! She keeps firing! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! More bullets than the gun could ever possibly hold! INT. SECOND COACH CAR - DAY Ned hears the GUNSHOTS and whirls around, looking into the vestibule through the glass window, just as... INT. VESTIBLE - DAY ...Max turns to face Lana, filled with bloody bullet holes. MAX You shootin' at me? Shocked to see it's Max, Lana empties the rest of the bullets into him... BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Max is SLAMMED back into the vestibule door by the impact! MAX Yeah... you're definitely shootin' at me. She fires one last shot... BLAM!!! EXT. TRAIN ON BRIDGE - DAY Max flies out the door, executing a perfect "full gainer with a triple twist and a half-tuck"... a flawless Olympic style dive... ending with a dead body "belly flop" into the water! INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY Frank sees Max hit the river and lets out a loud "WHOOP!" The Old Woman shoots him a nasty look. He stifles himself. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY Ned slides the vestibule door open... steps toward Lana. In a daze, she raises the gun, points it at him, pulling the trigger... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK. He takes the gun from her gently. INT. FIRST COACH CAR - DAY Frank jumps up, rushing forward. He skids to a stop... seeing Ned through the glass! Shocked, he ducks back. INT. VESTIBULE - DAY NED In this crazy world, there's not a whole lot a guy can count on. But when the chips are down, I can always count on you. He takes her hand gently and kisses it... NED You risked your life to save mine. A guy can't ask any more from a woman than that. ... then, CLICK! He snaps a handcuff on her wrist! NED But I saw you shoot him, Lana. In cold blood. I gotta arrest you for murder. LANA Ned... you wouldn't... NED Sorry. I'm a cop. I have a job to do. LANA But... you said it yourself. I saved your life. NED Don't worry, baby. I know a good lawyer. SPINNING NEWSPAPER whirls at us, snapping to a stop in someone's hands... upside down. The hands turn it rightside up. The headline reads: "COP ARRESTS WIFE FOR MURDER!... WILL DEFEND HER IN COURT!" REVERSE ANGLE The paper lowers, revealing Lola Cain with a gratified smile. EXT. CITY JAIL - DAY Ned and Laura move up the steps, surrounded by REPORTERS and MEDIA PEOPLE. Questions are being fired from all sides. REPORTER #1 What kind of gun did she use? NED That's a question for the arresting officer. REPORTER #2 Aren't you the arresting officer? NED You'll have to ask her attorney. REPORTER #1 But aren't you her attorney? NED Only her husband can answer that. REPORTER #3 What will Mrs. Ravine be wearing at the trial? Ned stops at the top of the stairs, turning to the Reporters. NED A lovely powder blue dress with a cinch waist, full bodice and a delicately pleated skirt. REPORTER #3 Does it have a matching jacket? NED No comment. REPORTER #3 Is it cotton or rayon? NED (perturbed) I said... NO COMMENT! Ned and Laura turn and enter the building. REPORTER #1 (calling out) Did she eat any of the victim's body parts? INT. CITY JAIL BUILDING - ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY NED Jeez... they're really throwing some tough questions out there today. LAURA They're just doing their job. NED Yeah... well I call it a "high-tech lynching of an uppity white housewife." INT. CAVERNOUS ROOM - DAY It's huge, dark and shadowy. More than a dozen heavily armed POLICE OFFICERS stand guard all around the perimeter. In the center is a cell constructed of iron bars, like an animal cage. Ned and Laura enter. Arch steps over. NED (seeing the cage) What's this? ARCH Only cell available. They had that serial killer locked up here... you know, the one who talks his victims to death then eats them... Hannibal the Lecturer. But they let him out for a three week tour to publicize his new book. Arch hands him a hardbound book. NED (reading the cover) "To Serve Man." ARCH It's a cookbook. Ned flips it over. ANGLE - THE BOOK - NED'S POV On the back is a picture of HANNIBAL THE LECTURER... wearing a baseball catcher's mask with barbed wire over the mouth. BACK TO SCENE ARCH And look, look... he autographed it. Arch pulls the front cover of the book open, pointing. NED (reads it) To Arch... Love to have you for dinner sometime... Hannibal. (hands it back) Very nice. Arch points toward the cage. ARCH They're waiting for ya. They didn't want to start without her attorney being present. CLOSE ON LANA - CANTED ANGLE There's a BIG MOTH on her mouth. The CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY. A beat... she spits the moth off, irritated. LANA PFFFTT! Damn moths! This place could use a good exterminator. Three POLICE INVESTIGATORS sit opposite Lana at a long table. Moths flutter everywhere. INVESTIGATOR # 2 (to Police Guard) Let's get the SWAT Team in here. Ned, Laura and Arch enter the cage as the Guard exits. LANA Can't you get me out of this cage, Ned? I'm goin' buggy in here. NED Judge said no bail. Don't worry. Just tell the truth, you'll be fine. He turns to the Investigators. NED Who's gonna handle the interrogation? INVESTIGATOR 1 It's your collar... your bust... your call... your show... your play... your move... your wife... NED Okay, okay!... I'll handle it. Laura sits at the far end of the table and opens her notebook. Lana pulls out her mirrored compact, starts to apply lipstick. INVESTIGATOR 2 Sorry Mrs. Ravine... there's no makeup allowed in this building. He nods toward a warning sign: a circle around a LIPSTICK with a diagonal line thru it. She responds, cool, confident. LANA What're you gonna do... arrest me for primping? In the b.g., members of the SWAT Team desperately swat at the fluttering moths. Ned spins his chair around, plants one foot on it, leans on his knee, looking hard at Lana. NED Don't give us a tough time. Just spill it! What were you doing on that train? LANA Well... Ned raises his hand, sits down, leans close, changing his tone. NED (confidential) As your attorney, I must advise you... you don't have to answer that question. Ned stands, paces, agitated... plants his foot on the chair again. He leans toward her... getting tough again. NED Alright, quit playing games with us! (fires questions) Who put ya up to it? Where'd you get the gun? What's your link with the CIA? LANA I... Ned jumps in, motioning with his hands for this to stop. NED Whoa whoa whoa whoa! That's it! I will not tolerate this unwarranted badgering of my client. She'll have her day in court, gentlemen. He slams his briefcase shut and turns to Lana, sincere. NED I want to thank you, Mrs. Ravine, for being so cooperative with these gentlemen. (turns to Laura) Did you get all that down, Laura. Every word she said? LAURA Yep. Both of 'em. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY The CAMERA MOVES IN to a wire mesh cage at the very back of the yard. A small sign on it says: NED JUNIOR. The door is open. The cage is... empty! EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY Lola rides the roller coaster with Lana's pet Skunk. She LAUGHS maniacally as they plunge down a steep grade! The Skunk stands stiffly on her lap, his paws planted on the guard rail, eyes bulging out!... his fur standing straight up! INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY Ned hesitates at the front door. It's open a crack. He moves inside cautiously. There is a strange BUBBLING SOUND coming from the kitchen. He moves toward it... apprehensive. He enters the kitchen and SEES... a huge bubbling pot on the stove, foam spilling over from under the lid! His mind reels! He charges out the back door. EXT. BACK OF HOUSE - DAY Ned bursts out the back door... CAMERA TRACKING with his feet as he dashes across the huge back yard... MUSIC POUNDING! He SEES the EMPTY animal cage! The door is open. A fuzzy blanket hangs halfway out. Shocked, Ned spins around... running back toward the house... CAMERA TRACKING HIS FEET, struggling to keep up. The CAMERA SLAMS into a tree!... CRACKING the LENS! INT. NED'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - DAY Ned bursts in... SEES the bubbling pot!... a huge butcher knife on the counter!... and LOLA, arms outstretched to greet him. NED NO! LOLA Yes. NED NOOOOO! LOLA Yes! NED NOOOOOOOooooooo!!! She whips the cover off the bubbling pot. LOLA YES! Cappelini pomodoro! NED What? She lifts up pasta with a spaghetti spoon... tossing a sprig of basil into the pot from the basil-leaf crown she wears. LOLA Pasta with tomato sauce. Whatsa matta? You don't like Italian? NED Where's Ned Junior? WHERE IS HE?! LOLA I thought he might like to get out, so I took him to the amusement park. He grabs Lola's arm and drags her toward the front door. NED You can't just break into my house, cook my food... borrow my skunk! (opens the door) Leave me alone. Stay out of my face! Out of my neighborhood! Out of my LIFE! She steps outside... turns to him. LOLA You haven't seen the last of me, Ned. He SLAMS the door in her face... hesitates a beat, curious... then pulls the door open. Lola's still there. LOLA I told you. Ned SLAMS the door again. EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - DAY It's a media circus! Vendors sell "TRIAL BALLOON" balloons. PRESS PHOTOGRAPHERS cluster around a squad of CHEERLEADERS wearing sweaters emblazoned with "FREE LANA OR BUST!" across their chests. They perform a rousing CHEER in front of a sign on the building that reads... "LE COURTHOUSE". CHEERLEADERS (with choreography) Lana, Lana, she's the one Shot a bad guy with a gun Blew that sucker off a train Some guys are a friggin' pain YaaaaaAAAAAAAAY LANA! A BBC COMMENTATOR speaks to a TV camera. COMMENTATOR Once again, Americans are making a mockery of their courts, turning a murder trial into a media circus! How can justice ever prevail when it is ridiculed and reviled in such a heinously revolting manner? This is Clement Von Franckenstein returning you to our BBC studios in London for the latest photographs of Lady Di naked in the bath. Ned and Laura push their way through the crush of REPORTERS. INT. COURTROOM - DAY Spectators pour through several turnstiles, shoving in their tokens. TV cameras have been set up to broadcast the trial. A UNIFORMED THEATER USHER escorts JURY MEMBERS in, checks their tickets, hands them programs and directs them to their seats. Ned and Laura sit at the defense table, next to Lana... who is oblivious to everything, deeply engrossed in a pocket video game. Ned looks toward the gallery and does a disturbed take. It's Lola!... sitting in the back row wearing a tailored suit, large brimmed hat with dark veil... and a SKUNK SKIN STOLE draped around her shoulders! Dizzy sits next to her, playing softly on a MUTED SAX. ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH A SPORTSCASTER delivers play-by-play of the action. SPORTSCASTER What a great day for a trial! We have lots of incandescent lighting, seventy-two degrees inside... and no wind! ANGLE - COURTROOM BAILIFF Oy vay! Oy vay! Superior Court of Los Angeles is now in session. And here he is... direct from a triumphant one-week engagement in Las Vegas Circuit Court... the honorable... the venerable... the totally irrepressible... Judge Harlan Skan- kyyyyyyy! Flashing "APPLAUSE" signs and flashing "ALL RISE" audience prompters. Everyone gives the Judge a standing ovation. ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH SPORTSCASTER Wow... has this defense team been HOT! Thirty-seven straight victories this year! Let's go down for the coin toss. ANGLE - COURTROOM The Bailiff flips a coin, motions to the PROSECUTOR. SPORTSCASTER (V.O.) The Prosecution wins the flip of the coin and elects to kick things off. INT. COURTROOM - LATER The PROSECUTOR delivers her impassioned opening statement. PROSECUTOR ...the prosecution will prove that this repulsive and degenerate woman coldly murdered a decent, law-abiding citizen... NED (jumps up) Objection! Move to strike. Hearsay, irrelevant, stupid, idiotic, caca- doody poo-poo... JUDGE SKANKY Sustained. INT. COURTROOM - LATER Laura is on the stand. Ned hands her a sheet of paper. NED And can you tell us what this is? LAURA Yes. It's a death threat that Max Shady FAXED to you on the day he was released from prison. Ned snatches it back, pacing, folding it into a paper airplane. NED A FAX in which he threatened to puree certain parts of my anatomy in a blender! I'd like to submit this into evidence. PROSECUTOR (jumps up) Objection! Who cares about the FAX in this case? JUDGE SKANKY I'll allow it. Ned sails the paper plane toward the COURT CLERK, who is at an evidence table already piled high with tagged guns, appliances, knickknacks, auto parts and other junk. The plane sails toward an open window. The Clerk grabs it... going OUT the window with the plane! EXT. COURTHOUSE LAWN - DAY The Cheerleaders lead the SPECTATORS in an exuberant CHEER. CHEERLEADERS U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! You're ugly! Yeah, you're ugly! M-A- M-A! How you think you got that way? Your Mama! Yeah, your Mama! In the b.g., the Court Clerk plummets to the ground, then staggers to his feet, and stumbles... dazed... back toward the courthouse. INT. COURTROOM - LATER One of the JURORS watches a "DICK VAN DYKE" re-run on a small portable TV monitors, oblivious to the testimony. In the b.g., the battered Clerk stumbles back in with the paper plane. The Conductor is on the stand. Ned holds up a BLENDER. NED And is this the blender you found in the lavatory of the train? CONDUCTOR Yes... it is. NED I'd like this marked as evidence. The Bailiff reaches out, Ned waves him off... instead, tossing the blender over several heads to the Court Clerk... who runs to catch it, CRASHING into the wall. The blender falls, SHATTERS. ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH SPORTSCASTER Awwwww... a bad call by Ravine. Let's check out the re-play. On the RE-PLAY SCREEN we see the action repeated in SLOW MOTION as the Sportscaster draws lines, circles, x's and squiggles. SPORTSCASTER Look at THAT! The Bailiff is wide open! But instead of handing it off, Ravine goes for the long bomb. Ohhhh! The pass is wide! A real wobbler! There's no way! He scrambles, but he just can't get his hands on it... And RIGHT THERE!... (freezes the frame) ...WHAM! That blender is gone! INT. COURTROOM - LATER At the defense table, Laura glances over at Lana, who is casually browsing through a copy of GALS & GUNS magazine. Laura reacts, then, trying to be as diplomatic as possible... LAURA Ned... did you ever consider that maybe you don't know women as well as you think you do? PROSECUTOR (O.S.) Now would you tell the court, in your own words, what you said to Mr. Ravine? They both look toward the witness stand. Ned is shaken. NED (whispers) I'm really worried about this guy. He could blow our whole case right out of the water. ANGLE - WITNESS STAND - MOMENTS LATER Jeff, the little boy from the train is on the witness stand. The Prosecutor stands by, listening as... JEFF (singing) Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts... mutilated monkey meat... itsy-bitsy birdie feet... Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts... and me without a spoon! The JURORS turn pale and reach for the air sickness bags in front of them. The Courtroom erupts. The Judge pounds his gavel LOUDLY. JEFF (pointing at Lana) That lady paid me two bucks to sing it to him...! But NO ONE hears this in all the confusion. The Judge, also looking ill now, bangs his gavel again. JUDGE SKANKY Recess! Ten minutes! EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY The Judge, Jury, Attorneys and Spectators are all playing on the swings, teeter-totters, monkey bars... having a blast! Ned and the Prosecutor play "dodge-ball." Laura cheers Ned on. The Prosecutor rockets the ball at Ned... and just misses! PROSECUTOR Gotcha, dork face! Gotcha, gotcha! LAURA No you didn't! NED No way! Uh-uh! Missed by a mile! The BAILIFF steps into CLOSE UP, blowing a whistle loudly! BAILIFF Recess is over! Let's go... move it, move it, move it! INT. BROADCAST BOOTH - LATER Marching band MUSIC fades off-screen. SPORTSCASTER There they go... the UCLA Marching Band! And now... Holy Toledo!... it looks like the victim's mother... Helen Shady... is gonna take the stand! This will be the first defensive play of the afternoon. INT. COURTROOM - SAME TIME Mrs. Shady is on the stand. Ned paces. NED Mrs. Shady... would you tell us about your son, Max. Was he a... a good boy? MRS. SHADY He was the best. And that's not just a mother talking. You can ask anybody. NED But he got into trouble once in awhile... like all kids do? MRS. SHADY Well, you know, pranks. Little jokes and things. But he was so cute. I have pictures! She reaches down into her huge purse, pulling out a photo album. She opens it, showing Ned. MRS. SHADY Here. This is when he set the cat on fire... (then, assuring him) Oh... but the cat deserved it. NED (looks, points) And what, uh... what are these...? MRS. SHADY Marshmallows. He just loved to toast marshmallows over a roaring cat. Burned on the outside... all soft in the middle. (turns page) And right here... this was taken on the day he left the priesthood to join the Green Berets. ANGLE - THE JURY They rise slowly out of their seats, craning their necks, trying to see the photos. BACK TO SCENE Ned is now seated next to Mrs. Shady in the witness box, looking at the photo album with her. Judge Skanky peers over the side of the bench. NED This is cute. MRS. SHADY (laughs, delighted) Oh yes! That was during his Ku Klux Klan phase. He would take the sheets right off my bed... cut those little holes in them. What a stitch he was! ANGLE - THE SPECTATORS are now on their feet, all straining to catch a glimpse of the photos in the album. BACK TO SCENE NED And is this Max... with all the tools... fixing his bike? She snatches the photo out of the album. MRS. SHADY Why that shouldn't even be in there! It's his rotten little half-brother. (rips up photo) Stinkin' little pecker... he never was any good... ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH The Sportscaster is pushing his face against the broadcast booth glass, trying to see what everyone's looking at. BACK TO SCENE MRS. SHADY (points at another) Oh! I didn't like these neo-Nazi boys. They were all so fussy and persnickety about everything. Heil this and heil that. (flips the page) Oh look... here's Max with his chainsaw. He loved to go to the national park and cut down those giant old trees. It made him feel so patriotic. You know, if he hadn't been such a successful criminal... I think he would have been a lumberjack. The Court Clerk, Bailiff and Court Recorder have all moved around behind the witness stand, peering over Mrs. Shady's shoulder at the photos. MRS. SHADY (tearful, angry) But now he'll never be anything! Not since... (stands up, points) ...that woman, your wife, pulled the trigger and put my little Max in his grave! JUDGE SKANKY Mrs. Shady! Do not POINT your finger in my courtroom. It's discourteous, impolite and disrespectful. MRS. SHADY Don't you tell me what to do with my finger! It's been more places than you've ever dreamed of! JUDGE SKANKY (bangs gavel) Sit down! MRS. SHADY I'll point my finger wherever I want! Mrs. Shady goes berserk... leaping from the witness stand, pointing several different fingers at Judge Skanky. The Bailiff attempts to restrain her, but she breaks free... scurrying around the courtroom, pointing fingers at everyone! CHAOS prevails! INT. COURTROOM - LATER The Irritable Man from the train is on the stand... Max's huge cigar stuck in his ear! The hair around his ear is scorched. NED Did you encounter the victim... Max Shady... on board the train? IRRITABLE MAN Yeah. And I told him... "this is the NO SMOKING car! Would you please put out your damn cigar!" NED And is that the cigar in your ear? The Man strains to see the cigar out of the corner of his eye. Impatient, Ned finally holds up a small pocket mirror. IRRITABLE MAN I believe it is. NED I'd like the cigar and the head of this witness entered into evidence. The Bailiff picks up the Irritable Man and dumps him on the evidence table, where he is tagged by the Court Clerk. NED The defense calls... Lana Ravine! INT. COURTROOM - LATER Lana is on the stand. The Bailiff swears her in. BAILIFF Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? LANA (looks to Judge) Do I have to answer that, Harlan? JUDGE SKANKY No, no dear. I'll vouch for her. Ned approaches. NED Now, Mrs. Ravine... may I call you Lana? LANA No. Call me Angel Tits. PROSECUTOR I object! JUDGE SKANKY Sustained. Counselor... you will address Angel Tits as Mrs. Ravine. NED (after a beat) Mrs. Ravine... would you please tell the court... what were you doing on that train? LANA I saw Max Shady at the station... saw him get on board. I knew he'd made threats to kill you and mutilate your reproductive organs... Ned and EVERY MALE in the courtroom winces at this, doubling over in imagined agony. Lana pauses, then continues... LANA ...so I got on the train too... so I could warn you. NED Do you want to have children? LANA Someday. With the right man. NED But you couldn't have children if my... (makes a gesture) ...were... (another gesture) ...and, uh... LANA It would be difficult. NED So you followed him, knowing you had to protect me... your husband... your best friend... the man you love... the future father of your children. LANA Something like that. NED And when you saw that maniac standing in the vestibule, waiting to pulverize my pee-pee... you pulled the gun and fired and fired and FIRED! LANA And fired and fired and fired and fired and fired and fired and fired... She pauses to count off on her fingers, then... LANA ...and fired and fired and fired. NED The defense rests, your Honor. INT. COURTROOM - LATER The COURTROOM ARTIST has been sketching intensely throughout the trial. We finally see... he's been sketching a BOWL OF FRUIT on the Court Recorder's desk. Ned picks up some fruit from the bowl and approaches the defense table. NED How can you convict a courageous woman who risked everything to save the life of her beloved husband? A woman who acted boldly to stop a demented maniac from doing THIS!... Ned shoves the BANANA and two PLUMS into a demonstration blender on the defense table. He hits the puree button and the blender WHIRRS loudly! NED (shouts over) ...pulverizing the private parts of the man she loves! All MALES in the courtroom react with pained expressions, cringing and doubling-over. Ned turns the blender off. NED (directly to Jury) Lana Ravine is a loving wife and the potential mother of my potential child. I challenge YOU to strike a blow for motherhood and the American justice system! Put the "con" back in the Constitution. Put the "ju" back in jurisprudence. Put the "can" back in American. And put the "dom" back in freedom. Find this woman INNOCENT!... so we can all go to bed happy tonight! INT. PRESS ROOM - LATER A REPORTER opens the door marked PRESS ROOM. Inside, a DOZEN REPORTERS press their pants on a dozen ironing boards. REPORTER The jury's back! The Reporters scramble for the door, pulling their pants on! INT. COURTROOM - LATER The CAMERA FOLLOWS a folded piece of paper as the Jurors pass it along to the FOREMAN... who hands it to the Bailiff... who hands it to the Judge. He unfolds it, reads it... then winks flirtatiously at the FEMALE JUROR who wrote it. She blushes. JUDGE SKANKY (back to business) So... has the jury reached a verdict? JURY FOREMAN (stands up) Yes we have, your Honor. JUDGE SKANKY How do you find the defendant... on the count of manslaughter? JURY FOREMAN Not guilty. JUDGE SKANKY On the count of murder in the first degree? JURY FOREMAN Not guilty. JUDGE SKANKY On the Count of Monte Cristo? JURY FOREMAN Not guilty. A BOISTEROUS CLAMOR in the court. The electronic signs FLASH "NOT GUILTY!"... "NOT GUILTY!"... "NOT GUILTY!" JUDGE SKANKY Good. Then on the count of three, let's all get the hell out of here! One... two... The Jury and Spectators start to rise. The Judge hesitates, gavel poised, shooting them a warning look. JUDGE SKANKY Wait... for... it... Everyone FREEZES halfway out of their seats... waiting. JUDGE SKANKY Two and a half... THREE! He smacks his gavel. Everyone scatters for the doors, but Judge Skanky beats them out of the room. Lana turns cool, dropping her courtroom facade. She plucks off her earrings, unbuttons the neck of her dress, reaches in and magically pulls out her bra, tossing it away. LANA Well, counselor, looks like you won another case. Lucky for me. TWO LEGAL AIDES sneak up behind Ned and dump a big plastic barrel of Gatorade cans over his head! BAILIFF (O.S.) (over P. A. system) Attention courtroom shoppers! All trial evidence now on sale. Forty to sixty percent off all exhibits! Everything must go! They turn to SEE: Spectators and Jurors browse through the clutter of junk in front of the Court Clerk on the evidence table. An IRRITABLE WOMAN claims the Irritable Man, grabbing the cigar from his ear and throwing it down. IRRITABLE WOMAN I told you, Bernard... smoking cigars is bad for your hearing! She pulls him away as Lana steps up, with a cigarette dangling from her lips. Lana picks up her gun and spins the cylinder. It's loaded. The battered Court Clerk limps over, smiling. COURT CLERK Mrs. Ravine! What can I do for ya? LANA How much for my gun? Laura sees this... turns to Ned with a look of shock. LAURA I don't believe it! She just bought her gun back! The gun she used to kill a man! Ned looks off toward Lana with admiration. NED Yeah... the same gun that saved my life. I'm sure it has sentimental value. As Lana wades into the crowd of REPORTERS, some still without pants, the CAMERA MOVES TO Lola, who is watching Lana from the back of the courtroom. Lola pulls a small cord hanging from the side of her hat... opening her veil like window drapes. She's not happy. INT. FRANK'S GARAGE - DAY Frank lays on a mechanic's "creeper", working under a car. Lana steps between his feet. He hears her and rolls out, his crotch sliding to a stop against her legs. He looks up, covered with black grease. FRANK So... you did it. Ya beat the rap. LANA No thanks to you. He gets to his feet, cocky. FRANK Hey... I knew he'd spring ya. She walks toward him, her voice cold, accusing. He backs up. LANA You didn't lift a finger, Frank. You let me take all the heat. FRANK Heeeee-eeey... what could I do? Lana pulls the gun from her purse, pointing it at him. LANA You were gonna let me rot in the slammer... never say a thing. FRANK Look... you're out... free. Now we're together. That's what counts. We can try again! Forget triple indemnity. We'll whack him and split three mil. LANA I'm not splitting anything, Frank. (cocks the gun) And you know too much. FRANK (arrogant) Come on, Lana. You're not gonna shoot me. He brashly turns his back to her, putting some tools away. She sees a huge electric powered SCREWDRIVER on the workbench next to her, smiling diabolically. She lowers the gun. LANA You're right. (then, seductive) Maybe I'll just screw you to death. He laughs arrogantly... starts to unbutton his shirt. FRANK Now you're talkin' baby. EXT. THE GARAGE WINDOW - DAY We see Lana's SILHOUETTE on the window as she raises the big power screwdriver and turns it on. WHIRR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R! The CAMERA WHIPS AROUND and PUSHES IN TO... LOLA watching the murder from her car. There is a... FLASH! Then another! And another! We are... INT. THE GARAGE - LATER A POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER takes FLASH pictures of the crime scene. The CORONER, COPS, FORENSIC MEN... all do their thing. Ned and Arch amble in, looking around. Arch is eating Nachos. FORENSIC MAN Watch your step, guys. There's a lot of blood. Throughout this scene, in the b.g., the milling COPS and INVESTIGATORS slip on all the blood, as if on slick ice, and fall out of frame, their arms and legs flailing helplessly! One of the Coroner's INVESTIGATORS approaches Arch and Ned. INVESTIGATOR Looks like a suicide. We found a note. He holds up a rolled piece of paper with a pair of tweezers. Ned takes it, trying to unroll it. INVESTIGATOR It was stuck up his nose. Ned hands it off to Arch, who casually unrolls it. The Investigator slips, arms waving, and falls out of frame. ARCH (reading it) "I can't take it anymore. I'm a mediocre mechanic... and a lousy lover." NED He's sure got that right. Arch gives Ned a very strange look. Ned feels his stare. NED The "mechanic" part, I mean. In the b.g., various COPS pair up to have their pictures taken by the Police Crime Scene Photographer... posing, grinning. NED (stares at the body) I don't know why, Arch, but I just can't shake this crazy hunch it wasn't suicide. THE CAMERA MOVES behind Ned on his line, revealing Frank... pinned to the wall by the power screwdriver stuck in his back! It's still running... vibrating with a GRINDING HUM. Ned reaches out and turns the screwdriver OFF. INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY Ned enters, pausing. He hears VOICES. He goes to the living room. Lana and Lola turn to see him in the doorway. He is shocked. Lana looks shaken. But Lola is cool... in control. LANA Oh... uh, Ned... This is Lola, um... NED (nervous, defensive) Um? She told you her name was Um? And what other lies did she tell you? I've never seen this woman in my life! Never followed her home! Never had sex with her in the refrigerator! It's all a sick fantasy... and I deny everything! He turns to Lola. NED When will women like you learn, you can't tear apart a perfectly good marriage with your vicious lies... Miss UMMMM! LOLA Actually... it's Smith. Lola Smith. I sell vacuum cleaners, Mr. Ravine. The big powerful kind that suck up everything in sight. I was just telling your wife, if she wants to get rid of all her dirt, she has to be willing to pay the price. She turns to Lana with a cold and contemptuous glare. LOLA Let me know what you decide, Mrs. Ravine. I'm sure we can work out a convenient "payment" plan. A pleasure meeting you... Ned. Lola exits. As soon as the door closes, Lana whirls around in a fury!... SMASHING a lamp! She SHRIEKS furiously! LANA I... hate... SALESMEN! He puts his arms around her, comforting. NED I know it's been a tough ordeal... with the trial and everything. Tell you what... let's take a trip. LANA A trip? NED Yeah. Just the two of us. LANA (darkly inspired) I like that. Just you and me... all alone. I'll start packing. NED Great. Listen... I got something to take care of. I'll be back in awhile. He kisses her and exits. Lana turns to look up toward the landing, a vengefully insane smile clouding her face. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DUSK A demanding KNOCK at the door. Lola hesitates at the door. LOLA Who is it? The door CRASHES OPEN! Ned is silhouetted in the doorway. He looks really pissed! Lola turns and runs. Ned sprints after her, leaping through the air... bringing her down with a tackle! NED I just want to talk. LOLA Why didn't you say so? Her foot shoots out, smashing him right in the face... WHAM! She jumps up and scrambles away. Ned pursues her. She grabs a bottle of scotch from the counter, spins around. LOLA Would you like a drink? She throws the bottle! He ducks and it shatters on the wall! NED No thanks. I'm driving. She whirls on one foot, nailing him in the head with a FLYING SPIN KICK! He stumbles back, dazed. She grabs an ice pick. LOLA Then let's get to the point! Lola charges! Ned rolls onto his back, jamming both feet into her stomach, heaving her up over him... thru the air! She SLAMS into the wall!... then slowly turns... still cool and collected. She raises a cigarette... lights it with the ice pick "lighter." LOLA So what's your problem, tough guy? NED Stay away from my life, my wife, my home and my pets! I'm taking Lana on a vacation and when I come back, I don't ever want to see your face again! He shoves her against the wall... the cigarette flying away. LOLA (shocked) A VACATION! She doesn't deserve a VACATION! She's a brat! A bad girl! She always was and always will be! He grabs her by the shoulders, shaking her. NED What are you talking about? You don't know anything about Lana? LOLA I know EVERYTHING! NED (shakes her hard) How do you know her? Who is she to you? TELL ME! She clams up. He slaps her. NED Who is she! LOLA She's your wife! NED (slaps her again!) Who is she!? LOLA She's my sister! NED (slaps her again) Liar! Who is she? LOLA She's your wife! He raises his hand to slap her hard. NED WHO IS SHE! She SLAPS him! LOLA She's my sister! She continues to slap him... back and forth... repeating her answers... "She's your wife"... "She's my sister!"... "Your wife!"... "My sister!"... "Wife!"... "Sister!" He reaches a boiling point, raising two fingers, preparing to give her the Three Stooges "two-fingered eye poke." She blocks it with her hand and shoves him away. Then, she executes a perfect Three Stooges "wiggly-hand head slap", telling him... LOLA She's your wife... AND my sister! Ned is stunned. MUSIC THUNDERS dramatically! Lana clicks the stereo off. The MUSIC STOPS. LOLA She was spoiled rotten! She stole everything I ever had. Everything! Including him. NED Him? Who, him? LOLA Dwayne. The boy's gym teacher. He was older. So mature... so strong. He smelled like dirty sweat socks and old basketballs. And he was all mine. For awhile. (turning bitter) But Lana wasn't satisfied with her own things. She had to have mine too. She took it all... my makeup, my sweaters, my shoes, my underwear... NED You wore the same clothes? LOLA We were identical twins. NED What're you talking about? You two don't look anything alike. LOLA Not anymore. One day I caught her stealing my lavender eye shadow and she smashed my face in with a shovel. I had fifty-three operations. When the doctors were finished with me... I looked like THIS! I'm ugly. UGLY! NED You're beautiful. LOLA Don't lie to me. NED They did a terrific job! LOLA I look in the mirror. I can SEE! NED But... you're gorgeous! LOLA Tell that to Dwayne. When he saw my face, he left me for HER... because she looked more like me than I did! First she stole my looks... then she stole the only man who ever loved me! She comes toward him... feeling in control once more. LOLA But I found a way to get even. The best revenge possible. Destroy her marriage! NED That's why you did all this? Seduced me... harrassed me... the tape... the flowers... the phone calls... LOLA You been hangin' out with Dick Tracy, haven't ya? NED It won't work. Lana loves me. LOLA It doesn't matter. I'm blackmailing her for everything she's worth. She murdered that greasy auto mechanic. I saw her do it. NED (stunned) Lana killed Frank Kelbo? LOLA (also stunned) Kelbo! His name was Kelbo? NED Yeah. Why? Did he burn you on car repairs too? LOLA Dwayne's name was Kelbo. He had a son. Frankie Kelbo. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned wanders to his car, climbs in, sits there... stunned. NED (V.O.) The pieces of the puzzle were falling into place and I didn't like the picture they were making. If Lana really killed Frank Kelbo, then I had misjudged her by a mile. Sure... he was a lousy mechanic. But murder? Ned rubs his temples, shuts his eyes. NED (V.O.) It was all starting to give me a headache bigger than the national deficit. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo. Lola sits on the floor by an end table, eyes dazed, staring blankly. A lamp with a "clapper" switch sits on the table. As the CAMERA MOVES IN SLOWLY to her, she absently "claps" the light off... then on... then off... then on... then off... INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT CLOSE ON female hands using a keyhole saw to cut through a railing on the second floor landing above the foyer. Outside... the SOUND of a car... headlights! The sawing stops. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ned pulls up. The house is dark and ominous. So is the MUSIC. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door is open a crack. He cautiously pushes it and the door CR-E-A-K-S open very slowly. The door STOPS, but the LOUD CREAKING continues. Ned touches it lightly with the tip of his finger. The CREAKING STOPS. NED Lana? Ned moves up the stairs. The CAMERA BOOMS UP with him, HOLDING ON an ECU of the partially severed railing. INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Ned enters. Hot water gushes from the faucet into a clawfoot bathtub. He turns the water off, looking around, puzzled. Loosens his tie, rubs his head. A splitting headache. Opens the medicine cabinet and... SCREECH! YEOW! CRASH! A CAT leaps out!... darts away. There's a NOISE from downstairs. INT. THE KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Someone is POUNDING on the door. Ned enters and opens it. It's Laura. LAURA Ned! I'm glad you're here. I have so much to tell you. NED Come on in. I'll make some tea. Grab a chair. LAURA Thanks... I brought my own. She drags a chair in behind her, sits at the kitchen table. Ned puts a kettle on the burner, turns it on. He starts searching through the cupboard for teabags. NED So... what have you got? LAURA A lottery ticket and a laundry receipt. (lays them on table) I found them in the pocket of that suit you wore the night you were working under cover with a client. Ned freezes, staring out the window, unable to face her. LAURA You remember that night, don't ya Ned? Then it hit me. Lottery starts with L-O. Laundry starts with L-A. L- O... L-A. Lola. Ned turns to her when he hears Lola's name... looking baffled by this convoluted piece of logic. LAURA (shrugs it off) Don't sweat it. It's the way a woman's mind works. He turns back to the cupboard, picking up a container. NED How about Ovaltine? LAURA Fine. Then I remembered you told me some guy named Frank had been working on your wife's car for two months. You with me so far? NED I'm way ahead of you. He brings the Ovaltine container to the table. LAURA Well back it up. You probably took a wrong turn. Remember your insurance policy... the one we couldn't find? I started thinking, who else had access to it beside you and me? The answer came up... Lana. And since she's a woman, it's probably hidden right here. A huge ceramic cookie jar sits on the table in front of them. Laura SMASHES it with her fist, breaking it open! Cookies spill out... and the insurance policy. NED So that's where she hid the Oreos. He sits down... starts eating Oreos... twisting them apart. LAURA Ned, Lana wasn't trying to save your life when she shot Max Shady. She and Frank were plotting to kill you and collect on your insurance policy. But she shot the wrong guy. NED That's the craziest thing I ever heard. LAURA (she presses on) Don't you see... Frank was going to let her take the fall. So she murdered him and tried to make it look like suicide. (beat) That's when I realized there was a connection between Lola and Lana... NED Yeah... they're sisters. Twin sisters. LAURA Well, hang on to your jock strap, Ned. There's more. She unrolls a complex genealogical chart... walks him thru it. LAURA Not only is Frank's father Dwayne Kelbo, notoriously amorous gym teacher and Lola Cain's former lover... Frank's mother is Helen Shady. Max and Frank are half-brothers who never met. Laura pauses dramatically, then announces. LAURA Your lovely wife, Lana, murdered both of Helen Shady's sons. NED This is so unbelievable. LAURA And you haven't even heard my story. INT. HOUSE - UPSTAIRS LANDING - NIGHT The keyhole saw cuts through the railing. The CAMERA REVEALS Lana, eyes filled with Machiavellian rage. She enters the bathroom, lays the saw blade down. Suddenly... a PAIR OF HANDS plunge into frame, grabbing her by the throat! We GO WITH HER as she is pushed back into the tub, the hands forcing her head under water. Lana grabs a diving mask, clamps it over her face. One of the attacking hands rips it away! Lana grabs a snorkel, sticking it in her mouth. The hand pulls it from her, tossing it aside. The hand shoves a little RUBBER DUCKIE into Lana's mouth! Lana struggles, finally going limp. Her open eyes stare up from beneath the water. The last few bubbles rise to the surface. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME LAURA He turned into a monster. And that's when I left him. I just couldn't... The tea kettle WHISTLES! Laura pulls it off the burner. The whistling subsides... replaced by the distant SOUND of water running upstairs. Ned cocks his head, listening. NED That damn faucet keeps turning on all by itself. I'll go check it. LAURA Okay. I'll make the Ovaltine. Ned exits. Laura opens the Ovaltine container. It's empty. A DARK SHADOW moves past the window behind Laura. Suspense MUSIC. Laura opens the cupboard. PIGEONS explode out, wings beating furiously! She catches her breath, looks in the cupboard. The cans and boxes are covered with pigeon shit. She shoves them aside, looking for the Ovaltine. INT. FOYER - SAME TIME Ned looks up toward the light from the bathroom. Water seeps over the edge of the landing and down the steps. As he moves up the steps, the SOUND of MUSIC... the familiar strains of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"... grows louder and LOUDER. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME It's filled with steam. He waves the steam away... STARTLED to see Lana's lifeless body beneath the water, the rubber duckie jammed into her mouth. The tub overflows on the floor. He turns the faucet off. The water stops... and so does the MUSIC. Puzzled, he turns the faucet on. The MUSIC STARTS. Turns it off. The MUSIC STOPS. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME As Laura turns away to enter the pantry... her Husband's twisted face suddenly appears in the kitchen window! INT. BEDROOM - SAME TIME Ned enters. The MUSIC is coming from the closet. Ned yanks the door open! A flock of PIGEONS bursts out!... revealing a GUEST MUSICIAN playing an instrument. GUEST MUSICIAN I'm sittin' in for Dizzy. He had a gig tonight. Ned shuts the door, eyes shifting. Lola must be near. INT. PANTRY OFF KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura searches the large walk-in pantry for tea bags. She hears a LOUD CRASH of BREAKING GLASS in the kitchen... stops and listens... then casually shrugs it off. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura's Husband stands in the kitchen. The back door is open... the window shattered. He SEES... the kitchen towels hanging sloppily on the rack! The disorganized clutter of cans and boxes in the cupboard! WE PUSH IN to his wildly insane eyes! INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME As Ned enters the upstairs landing, we hear VOICES in his mind. NED (ECHOING V.O.) Women are an open book. You can always tell the rotten apples from the peaches. I'd stake my career on it... stake my career on it... stake my career on it... The repetitive ECHO gets to him. He smacks his head with the palm of his hand. The skipping stops... followed by... NED (ECHOING V.O.) ...If anyone ever proves me wrong, I'll throw away my badge. IN THE DARKNESS A woman's HAND unrolls a leather kit... the "U-Pick an Ice Pick Porta-Pik-Pak!"... with seven ice picks in separate slots, each labeled with a day of the week. The hand selects "Wednesday's" ice pick, pulls it out. Then... BONG... BONG... BONG... BONG...! CANTED ANGLE ON - A GRANDFATHER CLOCK It CHIMES loudly. It's twelve midnight! THE HAND returns the ice pick to its slot, selects the one for Thursday. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura comes out of the pantry. She stops... gasps! Everything in the cupboard is neatly stacked! All the towels are straight! She whirls around... coming face to face with her Husband! He smiles demonically, holding up the Ninja Turtle float ring. LAURA'S HUSBAND Forget something, sweetheart? INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME Ned nears the bathroom door and suddenly... A PIERCING SCREAM! Lola charges, an ice pick raised over her head! She knocks him backward, into the bathroom, slashing at him. But he deflects the attack, grabbing at her arms. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura backs away from her Husband. He holds her wedding ring. LAURA'S HUSBAND You forgot to flush, darling. INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME As Ned and Lola continue their violent struggle... Lola grabs toiletries to aid in her attack. She squirts Ned with SHAVING CREAM... squeezes TOOTHPASTE in his hair... and throws BATH POWDER in his face! Ned is blinded. Gaining the advantage, Lola shoves him back, slamming his head into the wall. He's dazed, helpless. Lola raises the ice pick, moving forward to strike! But Ned grabs a HAIR BLOWER and swings it around, pointing it at her like a gun! She freezes... then smiles contemptuously. LOLA What're you gonna do, Ned? Blow me away? She LAUGHS arrogantly. Ned clicks on the hair blower to HIGH, a blast of HOT AIR hitting Lola's face, puffing her cheeks out, pushing her back, hair flying wildly! Her backside hits the railing where Lana has cut it... the wood splintering! Lola tumbles over backward, SCREAMING! She hangs suspended in mid-air for a moment, like a cartoon character, arms flailing. Then... WHOOM!... she FALLS to the marble floor below, hitting with a LOUD THUD! INT. THE KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura's Husband hears Lola fall, turning. Laura grabs the iron skillet and CLOBBERS him with it! BONG! He goes down. LAURA I never forget anything... honey. INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - SAME TIME Ned stares at the hair blower in his hand. Filled with disgust and revulsion, he throws the "weapon" down. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Laura pulls TWO REVOLVERS from her purse... spinning them like John Wayne... expertly tossing one over her back, catching it in front! She heads for the foyer. INT. FOYER - A MOMENT LATER - ON LOLA'S BODY Laura pauses, looks down at Lola's body... notices something. She pushes Lola's skirt a bit higher with the toe of her shoe. LAURA (outraged) Those are MY panties! She looks up... sees a light emanating from the bathroom. ON THE LANDING Laura moves through the shadows... stops outside the bathroom, pressing her back against the wall, guns up and ready. She swivels into the doorway... taking a shooter's stance... guns pointed! She sees... LANA... submerged in the tub, face up, the rubber duckie in her mouth. Laura steps back and turns... right into a THING covered in white! Startled, she SHRIEKS! Ned drops the white towel he's using to wipe off all of the shaving cream and toothpaste. Relieved to see it's Ned, she throws her arms around him! LAURA Oh Ned! NED You were right... there's a million things I don't know about women. Maybe you can teach me a few hundred. He pulls out his police badge, looks at it. NED Hell... I had too many careers anyway. He tosses it away, over the railing. INT. FOYER - ECU LOLA - SAME TIME The badge drops from above, landing on the floor right in front of Lola's lifeless face. A beat. Her eyes pop open! INT. BATHROOM - ECU ON BATH WATER - SAME TIME Suddenly, the rubber duckie pops to the surface. ON THE LANDING Laura hugs Ned again, arms locked around his neck, still gripping a gun in each hand. LAURA Oh Ned, I love you. I always loved you! INT. FOYER Lola sits bolt upright, bloody but still bouncy. INT. BATHROOM Lana suddenly SITS UP in the tub, inhaling a huge GASP of air, her eyes wild! INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Laura's Husband's eyes POP OPEN! He SITS UP suddenly... smashing his head into the sharp corner of the kitchen table! He topples back slowly... really dead! Finally. INT. THE STAIRCASE Lola's feet move steadily up each stair... her bloody hand grasping the ice pick. INT. BATHROOM FLOOR - LOW ANGLE Lana's feet step out of the tub, water dripping all around. She picks up the pointed saw from the floor. ON THE LANDING Ned and Laura still embrace, her forearms crisscrossed behind his neck. It's been a long embrace. Suddenly, Lana and Lola both appear, SCREAMING like banshees! Lana charges from the bathroom, grasping the sharp saw blade! Lola races at them from the stairway... with the ice pick! Without missing a beat, Laura raises the barrels of both guns and FIRES at them simultaneously... right next to Ned's ears. The impact of one bullet knocks Lana all the way back through the bathroom, CRASHING spectacularly out the window! The other bullet sends Lola flipping down the staircase! Ned looks stunned, his eyes crossed... the thundering gunshots still ringing in his ears. Laura proudly blows the gunsmoke away from the end of each barrel. LAURA Got 'em! NED (deafened) WHAT? LAURA I said... I GOT 'EM! NED HUH?!!! LAURA (yells) THEY'RE DEAD! GONE! KA-PUT! He strains to make out what she's saying, ears still ringing. NED (yells back) SURE I'LL MARRY YOU! NEXT TUESDAY WOULD BE PERFECT! A beat. Laura opens her mouth to correct him, then decides against it. She smiles... speaking softly, almost shyly. LAURA Okay. But I want to have kids. He hears THIS... smiles at her. NED Great. They embrace. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - WIDE SHOT - NEAR DAWN We MOVE IN SLOWLY toward the house. NED (V.O.) So... maybe I was wrong. Maybe women really are like a big jigsaw puzzle... with pieces that never seem to fit where you want 'em to. INT. NED'S HOUSE - THE BEDROOM - SAME TIME Ned and Laura are in bed, wrapped in each other's arms. NED (V.O.) All I know is, there are three things that men can't possibly ever do... NEW ANGLE - NED AND LAURA Revealing that it's NOT "voice over narration." Ned is actually rattling on aloud again. NED ...understand women... give birth... and program a VCR. And giving birth is the easy one. LAURA Ned... NED Yeah, Laura? LAURA Knock off the chatter, will ya? He smiles at her. They kiss. Romantic SAXAPHONE MUSIC begins to play... only this time, it's "Laura's Theme." The CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY... revealing Dizzy laying on the bed beside them... playing the sax. After a beat, Laura turns to Dizzy. LAURA We won't need you anymore. Ned casually slips him a twenty dollar bill. Dizzy slips off the bed and out the door. Laura turns to Ned. LAURA We can make our own music. Her hand reaches slowly over the edge of the bed, toward the floor. Suddenly... she comes up with a CONCERTINA, a small accordian... and begins to play it! Ned lays there listening for a few moments, a stunned look frozen on his face. Then... he reaches under the pillow and pulls out a HARMONICA and joins in. The CAMERA BOOMS UP to a HIGH ANGLE SHOT... as they play MEDLEY of all the MUSIC heard in the film. FADE TO BLACK ROLL END CREDITS After the final credit, WE HEAR: LAURA (V.O.) Ned, do you know... I want you to make love to me all night long? NED (V.O.) No. But if you hum a few bars... I'll fake it. THE END

FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS by Terry Gilliam & Toy Grisoni BLACK SCREEN A desert wind moans sadly. From somewhere within the wind comes the tinkly, syrupy-sweet sounds of the Lennon Sisters singing "My Favorite Things." A series of sepia images of anti-war protests from the mid-sixties appear one after another on the screen. In the violently scrawled style of Ralph Steadman, the title FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS splashes onto the screen. A beat, and then it runs down and off revealing: TITLE: "He who makes a beast of himself Gets rid of the pain Of being a man." Dr. Johnson The VOICE OF HUNTER S. THOMPSON -- a.k.a. RAOUL DUKE: DUKE (V/O) We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! A red Chevy convertible -- THE RED SHARK -- wipes the black screen. EXT. ON THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THE RED SHARK races down the desert highway at a hundred miles an hour. THE STONES' "Sympathy For the Devil" blares. AT THE WHEEL STRANGELY STILL AND TENSE, RAOUL DUKE DRIVES -- SKELETAL, BEER IN HAND -- STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD. BESIDE HIM, FACE TURNED TO THE SUN, EYES CLOSED BEHIND WRAPAROUND SPANISH SUNGLASSES, IS HIS SWARTHY AND UNNERVINGLY UNPREDICTABLE ATTORNEY, DR. GONZO. The music pounds DUKE stares straight ahead. GONZO froths up a can of beer - uses it as shaving foam. DUKE (V/O) I remember saying something like: "I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive..." GONZO starts shaving. 2. DUKE (V/O) Suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car... Close on DUKE -- shadows flutter across his face. The reflections of bats swirl within his eyes. We push in close to one eye ball -- SCREECHING SWIRLING BAT-LIKE SHAPES! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DUKE (V/O) ... and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals? CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR - DUKE, eyes rigid, flails at the air. No bats anywhere. GONZO casually looks over... GONZO What are you yelling about? DUCK SCREECHES to the side of the road. The sudden wrench makes GONZO nick his face with his razor. DUKE Never mind. It's your turn to drive. DUKE (V/O) No point mentioning these bats. I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. DUKE hops out of the car, keeping an eye out for bats, frantically opens the trunk to reveal what looks like A MOBILE POLICE NARCOTICS LAB. DUKE desperately rifles through the impressive stash. DUKE (V/O) We had two bags of grass, seventy- five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi- colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. 3. DUKE, eyes darting madly as he hears what sounds like the SHRIEKS OF BATS returning, grabs an assortment along with another six-pack of beer - slams the trunk shut and dives back into the car. DUKE (V/O) Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. THE RED SHARK RACES INTO THE DISTANCE... on the ground, weakly flapping is a SEMI-SQUASHED, SLOWLY DYING ANIMAL... A BAT? EXT. FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY IN THE RED SHARK GONZO grips the wheel - stares maniacally down the road - a lousy driver. DUKE (V/O) The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. The radio news wars with "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL" on a tape recorder. RADIO NEWS An overdose of heroin was listed as the official cause of death for pretty 19 year old Diane Hanby whose body was found stuffed in a refrigerator last week... GONZO changes the station - "ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE, SWEET JESUS, ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE" vies with "SYMPATHY"... He sings along - washes a couple of pills back with a new beer. The RED SHARK fishtails. GONZO "One toke over the line, sweet Jesus." 4. DUKE (muttering to himself) One toke. You poor fool. Wait till you see those goddamn bats. UP AHEAD - AT THE SIDE OF THE DESERTED ROAD A LONE HITCHHIKER spots them, jumps up and sticks out a thumb. The RED SHARK roars past. Then, fifty yards down the road... GONZO Let's give that boy a lift. GONZO wrenches the wheel - THE RED SHARK swerves to the side of the road. DUKE We can't stop here - this is bat country! GONZO JAMS THE CAR INTO REVERSE AND ROCKETS BACKWARDS. The HITCHHIKER races to the car. A poor OKIE KID with a big grin. HITCHHIKER Hot damn! I never rode in a convertible before! Then the big grin freezes on the OKIE KID's face at the sight of: DUKE and GONZO looking out at him with HYPER- NORMAL, shit-eating SMILES. DUKE Is that right? Well, I guess you're about ready, eh? The HITCHHIKER hesitates. GONZO We're your friends. We're not like the others. DUKE (hissing sharply) No more of that talk or I'll put the leeches on you. DUKE turns back to the HITCHHIKER - smiles reassuringly. EXT. EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY The HITCHHIKER sits nervously in the back seat as the RED SHARK screams down the road. 5. GONZO sings along to the tape player. The HITCHHIKER's eyes go to the door - considers jumping out and taking his chances. DUKE, sweating bullets, STARES AT THE HITCHHIKER in the rear view mirror. DUKE (V/O) How long could we maintain, I wondered. How long before one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family. The HITCHHIKER's eyes notice a thin line of blood trickling down GONZO's neck. DUKE (V/O) Would he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? DUKE's mouth moves intermittently - sometimes in sync with the words, sometimes not. DUKE (V/O) If so - well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere. Because it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency, and they'll run us down like dogs... DUKE (out loud to himself) Jesus! Did I say that? DUKE (V/O) Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me? GONZO (reassuringly to HITCHHIKER) It's okay. He's admiring the shape of your skull. DUKE gives the HITCHHIKER a FINE BIG GRIN and the HITCHHIKER giggles nervously. 6. DUKE (V/O) Maybe I better have a chat with this boy I thought. Perhaps if I explain things, he'll rest easy... DUKE (roaring over the road noise) THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD PROBABLY UNDERSTAND -- The HITCHHIKER stares at him, not blinking. DUKE (yells) CAN YOU HEAR ME? The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- terrified. DUKE climbs into the back seat. DUKE That's good. Because I want you to have all the background. This is a very ominous assignment -- with overtones of extreme personal danger. I'm a Doctor of Journalism! This is important, goddamnit! This is a true story!... (WHACKS the BACK OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT with his fist) The CAR SWERVES SICKENINGLY, then straightens out. GONZO (screams) Keep your hands off my fucking neck! The HITCHHIKER makes a sudden lunge for freedom. DUKE GRABS HIM BACK DOWN. DUKE (V/O) Our vibrations were getting nasty -- but why? Was there no communication in this car? Had we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts? The HITCHHIKER STRUGGLES IN PANIC. 7. DUKE (to HITCHHIKER) I want you to understand that this man at the wheel is my attorney! He's not just some dingbat I found on the Strip. He's a foreigner. I think he's probably Samoan. But it doesn't matter, does it? Are you prejudiced? HITCHHIKER Hell, no! DUKE I didn't think so. Because in spite of his race, this man is extremely valuable to me. Hell, I forgot all about this beer. You want one? (HITCHHIKER shakes his head) How about some ether? HITCHHIKER What? DUKE Never mind. Let's get right to the heart of this thing. Twenty-four hours ago we were sitting in the Pogo Lounge of the Beverly Wills Hotel... INT. THE BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL POGO LOUNGE 1971 - DAY A uniformed DWARF, carries a shockingly PINK TELEPHONE through the glittering, tranquil POGO LOUNGE CROWD. They are the ELOI. HENDRIX AFROS and DROOPING MUSTACHES and BELL BOTTOMS and LOVE BEADS and BELLS. ACTRESSES sip Singapore Slings and PROMOTERS sip ACTRESSES in this MONIED, SANITISED VERSION OF THE GREAT REVOLUTION YEARS. DUKE (V/O) ... in the patio section, of course, drinking Singapore Slings with mescal on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of Our Lord, 1971. The DWARF reaches DUKE -- T-shirt, levis, sneakers and shades. GONZO -- white rayon bellbottoms and a khaki tank top undershirt. They are in the middle of a serious conversation. 8. DUKE I'm telling you, the Salazar story is getting too complicated. The weasels have started closing in. The DWARF sneers. DWARF Perhaps this is the call you've been waiting for all this time, sir... DUKE lifts the receiver -- listens... DUKE Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... DUKE hangs up the PHONE with the DEAD-PAN EXPRESSION OF A MOVIE SPY. DWARF That was headquarters. They want me to go to Las Vegas at once and make contact with a Portuguese photographer named Lacerda. He'll have the details. All I have to do is check into my sound proof suite and he'll seek me out. GONZO, says nothing for a moment, then POUNDS the table! GONZO God hell! I think I see the pattern! This one sounds like real trouble! You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney I must advise you that you'll need a very fast car with no top and after that, the cocaine. And then the tape recorder, for special music, and some Acapulco shirts... (GONZO tucks his khaki undershirt into his white bellbottoms -- he means business!) This blows my weekend, because naturally I'll have to go with you -- and we'll have to arm ourselves. 9. DUKE Why not? If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing right. DUKE and GONZO are up and off. The DWARF chases after them with the (very large) check in his hand. They sweep out through the Lounge door, unaware of it swinging back into the face of the pursuing DWARF. DUKE I tell you, my man. This is the American Dream in action! We'd be fools not to ride this strange torpedo all the way to the end. GONZO Indeed. We must do it. What kind of story is this? EXT. BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY DUKE and GONZO emerge. DUKE The Mint 400! The richest off-road race for motorcycles and dune- buggies in the history of organized sport! (handing parking ticket to Valet) -- a fantastic spectacle in honor of some fatback grossero who owns the luxurious Mint Hotel in the heart of downtown Vegas... at least that's what the press release says. Their car arrives -- rusted out, smashed door panels. They jump in. DUKE We're going to have to drum it up on our own. Pure Gonzo Journalism. And they're off in a cloud of black exhaust as the nose- bleeding DWARF stumbles out with the unpaid bill in his hand. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY The PINTO races through shot. DUKE (V/O) Getting hold of the drugs and shirts had been no problem... 10. EXT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY The PINTO skids to a halt outside Polynesian bar, the back window full of Hawaiian shirts. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) ... but the car and tape recorder were not easy things to round up at 6:30 on a Friday afternoon in Hollywood. INT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY TORN YELLOW PAGES with dealer's ads ticked off lie in a pile as GONZO yells into a PAYPHONE. DUKE carries over four Singapore Slings. GONZO O.K., O.K., yes. Hang onto it. We'll be there in thirty minutes. (to DUKE -- hand over the PHONE) I finally located a car with adequate horsepower and the proper coloring. (into PHONE) What?! OF COURSE the gentleman has a major credit card! Do you realize who the fuck you're talking to? DUKE Don't take any guff from these swine. (GONZO slams the phone down) Now we need a sound store with the finest equipment. Nothing dinky. One of those new Belgian Heliowatts with a voice-activated shotgun mike, for picking up conversations in oncoming cars. GONZO We won't make the nut unless we have unlimited credit. DUKE We will. You Samoans are all the same. You have no faith in the essential decency of the white man's culture. 11. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DUSK The PINTO races down street. DUKE (V/O) The store was closed, but the salesman said he would wait, if we hurried... EXT. SUNSET BLVD - TRAFFIC JAM - DUSK They're stuck in a traffic jam -- clouds of exhaust. DUKE BANGS ON THE HORN IN FURY. DUKE (V/O) But we were delayed en route when a Stingray in front of us killed a pedestrain. Directly in front of them: BLOODY CARNAGE -- a covered corpse is loaded into an ambulance by PARAMEDICS. EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT DUKE (V/O) We had trouble, again, at the car rental agency. Behind the wheel of the RED SHARK: DUKE grins with satisfaction -- checking it out. A nervous AGENT holds out a clipboard. DUKE signs without looking at the rental papers. AGENT Say... uh... you fellas are going to be careful with this car, aren't you? DUKE Of course. DUKE throws the car into reverse -- roars backwards past the gas pumps to where GONZO is unloading their rusted out car. AGENT Well, good god! You just backed over that two foot concrete abutment and you didn't even slow down! Forty-five in reverse! And you barely missed the pump! DUKE No harm done. I always test the transmission that way. The rear end. For stress factors. 12. GONZO transfers boxes of new sound equipment and a large box of rum and ice into the RED SHARK. AGENT Say. Are you fellows drinking? DUKE Not me. We're responsible people. He JAMS the car into LOW GEAR and lurches into traffic. The AGENT runs into the street and helplessly watches them go. GONZO There's another worrier. He's probably all cranked up on speed. EXT. RUNDOWN BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT STRANGE AND MAGICAL. In the moonlight: the silhouetted figures of DUKE and GONZO as they pack the RED SHARK. DUKE (V/O) We spent the rest of that night rounding up materials and packing the car. Then we ate some mescaline and went swimming. The surf crashes in the distance... EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - NIGHT DUKE cries out as he dives into the ocean. He lets himself float up through the silvery bubbles... DUKE AND GONZO FLOAT BEATIFICALLY IN THE GLOWING, SHIMMERING MOONLIT SURF. DUKE (V/O) Our trip was different. It was to be a classic affirmation of everything right and true in the national character; a gross, physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country. But only for those with true grit... EXT. AND EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY DUKE's intense face. DUKE ...and we're chock full of that! 13. GONZO Damn right! DUKE My attorney understands this concept, despite his racial handicap. But do you?! The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- petrified. DUKE (V/O) He said he understood, but I could see in his eyes that he didn't. He was lying to me. GONZO My heart! GONZO clutches his heart. The car veers off the road and screeches to a halt. He slumps over the wheel. GONZO (CONT'D) Where's the medicine? DUKE The medicine? Yes, it's right here. DUKE spills out 4 AMYL CAPSULES from a tin. DUKE Don't worry, this man has a bad heart... Angina Pectoris. But we have a cure for it. DUKE and GONZO break 2 AMYLS apiece -- INHALE DEEPLY. GONZO falls back on the seat, staring straight up at the sun. The HITCHHIKER looks petrified. GONZO (suddenly flailing his naked arms at the sky) Turn up the fucking music! My heart feels like an alligator! Volume! Clarity! Bass! We must have bass! What's wrong with us? Are you goddamn old ladies? DUKE (turns up music to full volume) You scurvy shyster bastard! Watch your language! You're talking to a Doctor of Journalism! 14. GONZO (laughing uncontrollably) What the fuck are we doing out here? Somebody call the police! We need help! DUKE (to HITCHHIKER) Pay no attention to this swine. He can't handle the medicine. (he begins laughing) GONZO (to the HITCHHIKER) The truth is we're going to Vegas to croak a scag baron named Savage Henry. I've known him for years but he ripped us off -- and you know what that means, right? GONZO pulls out a .357 Magnum -- waves it around. GONZO (CONT'D) Savage Henry has cashed his check! We're going to rip his lungs out! DUKE And eat them! That bastard won't get away with this! What's going on in this country when a scum sucker like that can get away with sandbagging a Doctor of Journalism? GONZO cracks ANOTHER AMYL. The HITCHHIKER SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE CAR, DOWN THE TRUNK LID, AND FLEES. HITCHHIKER Thanks for the ride. Thanks a lot. I like you guys. Don't worry about me. DUKE (yells) Wait a minute! Come back and have a beer! The HITCHHIKER RUNS from car. 15. GONZO Good riddance. That boy made me nervous. Did you see his eyes? (laughing) Jesus, this is good medicine. DUKE glances back at the running HITCHHIKER. DUKE (suddenly clambering into the front seat) Move over!! We have to get out of California before that kid finds a cop! DUKE GUNS THE RED SHARK -- TAKES OFF DOWN THE ROAD... EXT. UNBELIEVABLY FAR DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY THE RED SHARK races -- DUKE at the wheel -- straight ahead driving. DUKE (V/O) It was absolutely imperative that we get to the Mint Hotel before the deadline for press registration. Otherwise, we might have to pay for our suite. GONZO wrestles with a shaker of COCAINE. The top comes off and the powder swirls away on the wind. GONZO Oh, Jesus! Did you see what god just did to us? DUKE God didn't do that! You did it! You're a fucking narcotics agent, that was our cocaine, you pig! GONZO (waving his .357 Magnum at Duke) You better be careful. Plenty of vultures out here. They'll pick your bones clean before morning. DUKE You whore! GONZO tears up a BLOTTER OF ACID. 16. GONZO Here -- chew this. It's your half of the acid. DUKE takes his half -- chews it. DUKE How long do I have? GONZO Maybe thirty more minutes. As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed. It'll be a goddamn miracle if we can get there before you turn into a wild animal. Are you ready for that? Checking into a Vegas hotel under a phony name with intent to commit capital fraud and a head full of acid. DUKE (V/O) Thirty minutes. It was going to be very close. The RED SHARK screams along the highway past a billboard: "DON'T GAMBLE WITH MARIJUANA! \ IN NEVADA: POSSESSION - 20 YEARS; SALE - LIFE!!" EXT. LAS VEGAS MINT HOTEL - DUSK The RED SHARK pulls up outside the MINT. A great banner spanning the street announces the MINT 400. DUKE can feel the drug surging up inside him. Clutching a buckled beer can, sweat pouring, he stares fixedly at the TICKET the ATTENDANT gives him. DUKE I need this, right? ATTENDANT I'll remember your face. DUKE stares -- losing it... DUKE (V/O) There is no way of explaining the terror I felt. INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY DUKE waits in line at the front desk -- RIGID WITH PENT UP ENERGY. GONZO's ahead of him -- muscling in -- trying to queue jump and failing. 17. DUKE (V/O) I was pouring sweat. My blood is too thick for Nevada. I've never been able to properly explain myself in this climate. A COUPLE move off and DUKE jerks forward -- stops -- eyes fixed on the stony FEMALE RESERVATIONS CLERK. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Be quiet, be calm... name, rank, and press affiliation, nothing else... DUKE moves ANOTHER RIGID STEP CLOSER to the desk -- the tension almost snapping him in two. GONZO's FLAPPING AROUND -- absolutely no success. Something catches DUKE's eye... He REMAINS ROOTED -- his eyes turning to the VEGETAL PAISLEY PATTERNS ON THE CARPET WHICH ARE SHIFTING -- UNDULATING. THE CARPET PATTERNS ARE INEXORABLY CREEPING UP THE WALLS... DUKE (V/O CONT'D) ...ignore this terrible drug, pretend it's not happening... The LAST PEOPLE leave -- with A FINAL, STIFF MOVE, DUKE comes face to face with the RESERVATIONS CLERK... AND EXPLODES! DUKE HI THERE. MY NAME... AH, RAOUL DUKE... ON... ON THAT LIST, THAT'S FOR SURE. FREE LUNCH, FINAL WISDOM, TOTAL COVERAGE... WHY NOT? I HAVE MY ATTORNEY WITH ME, AND I REALIZE OF COURSE... As DUKE stares at her, BABBLING, her FACE BEGINS TO MORPH. He tries to stop it happening by TALKING FASTER. DUKE ... THAT HIS NAME IS NOT ON THE LIST, BUT WE MUST HAVE THAT SUITE. YES. JUST CHECK THE LIST AND YOU'LL SEE. DON'T WORRY. WHAT'S THE SCORE HERE? WHAT'S NEXT? DUKE sags -- grips the desk -- WHITE KNUCKLES. 18. RESERVATIONS CLERK (hands him an envelope) Your suite's not ready yet. But there's somebody looking for you. Her face is CHANGING -- SWELLING -- PULSING... DUKE (shouts) NO! WHY? WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET! The FACE OF THE RESERVATIONS CLERK TURNS GREEN & GROWS FANGS. DEADLY POISON! DUKE LUNGES BACK at GONZO, who GRIPS his arm intensely -- REACHES OUT to take the ENVELOPE. GONZO I can handle this. This man has a bad heart, but I have plenty of medicine. My name is Dr. Gonzo. Prepare our suite at once. We'll be in the bar. GONZO manoeuvres DUKE away from the desk. DUKE looks back -- the RESERVATIONS CLERKS is now a MORAY EEL -- green jowls and fangs. INT. NAUTICAL BAR - DAY The bar -- OILY PEOPLE -- quiet music -- nautical theme. DUKE and GONZO at the bar, a marlin spike hanging on the wall behind them. DUKE has turned to stone... GONZO (to the bartender) Two Cuba Libres with beer and mescal on the side. (opens the envelope) Who's Lacerda, he's waiting for us in a room on the twelfth floor? DUKE Lacerda? DUKE (V/O) I couldn't remember. The name rang a bell, but I couldn't concentrate. Terrible things were happening all around us... DUKE is staring -- RAPT -- TERRIFIED. BLOOD FLOWS FREELY onto the floor. DUKE keeps his voice low. 19. DUKE Order some golf shoes. Otherwise, we'll never get out of this place alive. It's impossible to walk in this muck -- no footing at all... DUKE looks up -- GONZO has disappeared. DUKE looks around him -- the entire room has TRANSFORMED into a ROOM FILLED WITH REPTILES IN CLOTHES, DRINKING AND GNAWING AT ONE ANOTHER. DUKE (V/O) I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo. And somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things! It won't be long before they tear us to shreds! GONZO IS SUDDENLY BACK -- AT DUKE'S SHOULDER. GONZO If you think we're in trouble now wait until you see what's happening in the elevators. GONZO removes his sunshades and we see he's been crying... as he speaks he seems to be floating. Duke struggles to keep him in his line of vision. GONZO I just went upstairs to see this man Lacerda. I told him I knew what he was up to... (GONZO rallies -- turns fierce) He says he's a photographer! But when I mentioned Savage Henry he freaked! He knows we're onto him! DUKE But what about our room? And the golf shoes? A GROUP OF REPTILES AT A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM stares at them, BLOOD DRIPPING FROM THEIR FANGS. DUKE (CONT'D) (grabbing GONZO trying to hold him still) Holy shit! Look at that bunch over there! They've spotted us! 20. Cut to wider shot -- DUKE is holding on to a man standing next to him at the bar. The room has returned to normality. GONZO is sitting in his original position. GONZO (downs his drink -- gets up) That's the press table. Where you have to sign in for our credentials. Shit, let's get it over with. You handle that, and I'll check on the room. DUKE No, no. Don't leave me! Black screen. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DUSK A TELEVISION shows the NIGHTLY NEWS. A BUDDHIST MONK, protesting the war, sets himself on fire. A very nervous BELL BOY is laying out GONZO's order. A marlin spike is on the floor next to DUKE. BELL BOY Four club sandwiches, four shrimp cocktails. DUKE There's a big... machine in the sky... some kind of electric snake... DUKE is curled by the window -- MESMERIZED by an unseen neon sign outside the window. His eyes fill with a million colored lights. BELL BOY ... a quart of rum... DUKE ... coming straight at us. GONZO Shoot it. DUKE Not yet. I want to study its habits. BELL BOY ... and nine fresh grapefruit. 21. GONZO Vitamin C. We'll need all we can get. GONZO sees the BELL BOY out the door -- turns and lays into DUKE. GONZO Look, you've got to stop this talk about snakes and leeches and lizards and that stuff. It's making me sick! DUKE stares -- hears the drone of B52 BOMBERS... On TV: The LAOS INVASION -- A SERIES OF HORRIFYING DISASTERS -- EXPLOSIONS AND TWISTED WRECKAGE. Newsreel footage of MAI LAI MASSACRE and the LIEUTENANT CALLEY court-martial. DUKE What are you talking about? GONZO You bastard! They'll never let us back in that place. I leave you alone for three minutes and you start waving that goddamn marlin spike around -- yelling about reptiles! You scared the shit out of those people! They were ready to call the cops. Hell, the only reason they gave us press passes was to get you out of there... A knock at the door. DUKE and GONZO break out in a sweat. DUKE Oh my God! Who's that?! GONZO STICKS HIS GUN IN HIS WAISTBAND -- opens the door to LACERDA -- BOUNCING WITH PUPPY DOG ENTHUSIASM. GONZO stares at a man he instantly hates -- watches him with deep suspicion. LACERDA Duke? I'm Lacerda your photographer. Got your press passes? Good, good. Too bad you missed the bikes checking in. My, what a sight! DUKE watches the B-52S DROP THEIR BOMB LOADS. 22. Looking down to the thick, patterned carpet, DUKE sees the BOMBS EXPLODE like vicious flowers. DUKE looks up: LACERDA is a war photographer -- bruised, filthy and blood spattered. LACERDA approaches him -- talking a foreign language. LACERDA Husquavarnas. Yamahas. Kawaskis. Maicos. Pursang. Swedish Fireballs. Couple of Triumphs, here and there a CZ. All very fast. What a race it's gonna be. DUKE screws up his eyes -- WILLS NORMALITY BACK. LACERDA is now just a keen photographer.L LACERDA Well, we start at dawn. Get a good night's sleep. I know I will. And with a cheerful wave, he's gone. DUKE is in shock. DUKE (weakly) That's good... GONZO I think he's lying to us. I could see it in his eyes. DUKE (even weaker) They'll probably have a big net for us when we show up. DUKE's attention returns to the devastation on the TV... GONZO Turn that shit off! GONZO kills the TV. Black screen. DUKE (V/O) Never lose sight of the primary responsibility. Cover the story. But what was the story? Nobody had bothered to say. 23. EXT. DESERT - DAWN Against A BIG ORANGE SUN, on a concrete slab, MEN FIRE SHOTGUNS into the dawn sky. Clay pigeons shatter. The Mint Gun Club. Next to them, MOTORCYCLES REV -- preparing for the MINT 400 RACE: A hundred BIKERS, MECHANICS and assorted MOTORSPORT TYPES milling around in the pit area; taping headlights, topping off oil in the forks, last minute bolt tightening. DUKE wanders through. DUKE (V/O) The racers were ready at dawn. Very tense. But the race didn't start until nine so we had three long hours to kill. A sign by a long trestle table: "KOFFEE & DONUTS." DUKE walks past -- ignoring the SMILING LADY behind the stall. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Those of us who had been up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts. We wanted strong drink. We were, after all, the Absolute Cream of the National Sporting Press and we were gathered here, in Las Vegas, for a very special assignment. And when it comes to things like this you don't fool around. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY A real pit of iniquity. Slot Machines. Crap tables. Smoke. Drunken shouting. The absolute cream of the NATIONAL SPORTING PRESS. DUKE is at the bar, engaged in drunken conversation with a LIFE REPORTER...showing him his notebook. DUKE See..."Kill the body and the head will die"... the Frazier/Ali fight... MAGAZINE REPORTER A proper end to the 60's... Ali beaten by a human hamburger! DUKE And both Kennedy's murdered by mutants. 24. A SHOUT goes up from outside. The sound of engines revving. REPORTER That's it! They're starting! In a sudden rush the PRESS CROWD make for the door taking DUKE with them. EXT. DESERT - DAY MOTORCYCLES REV -- tension builds... A flag goes down. The CROWD cheers. The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY. A great cloud of dust goes up -- obscuring the RACERS as they disappear into the desert... A moment... REPORTER Well, that's that. They'll be back in an hour or so. Let's go back to the bar. The CROWD turns and streams back into the tent. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY DUKE heads for the bar along with the REST. It's packed. Drinks are ordered. A shout from outside the tent goes up: VOICE OFF Group 2! The CROWD rushes for the door. DUKE gets swept along. EXT. DESERT - DAY MOTORCYCLES REV. A flag goes down. The CROWD cheers. The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY. Another great cloud of dust goes up... The CROWD head back for the bar. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY The CROWD surge back to the bar. VOICE OFF Group 3! This time DUKE fights his way free of the CROWD. 25. DUKE (V/O) There was something like 190 more bikes waiting to start. They were due to go off 10 at a time every 2 minutes. DUKE hits the bar. DUKE Beer! A middle-aged HOODLUM in a T-shirt booms up to the bar. HOODLUM God damn! What day is this -- Saturday? DUKE More like Sunday. HOODLUM Hah! That's a bitch, ain't it? Last night I was home in Long Beach and somebody said they were runnin' the Mint 400 today, so I says to my old lady, "Man, I'm goin'." So she gives me a lot of crap about it, so I start slappin' her around, and the next thing you know two guys I never seen before are beating me stupid. VOICE OFF Group 4! Outside, another batch of motorcycles roar away -- kicking up more clouds of dust. HOODLUM Then they gave me ten bucks, put me on a bus, and when I woke up here I was in downtown Vegas, and for a minute all I could think was, "O Jesus, who's divorcing me this time?" But then I remembered, by God! I was here for the Mint 400. And, man, I tell you, it's wonderful to be here. Just wonderful to be here with you people. A silence. A MAGAZINE REPORTER lunges across the bar -- grabs the BARTENDER. 26. MAGAZINE REPORTER Senzaman wassyneeds! DUKE (smacks the bar with his palm) Hell yes! Bring us ten! VOICE OFF Group 5! MAGAZINE REPORTER (screams) I'll back it! (slides off his stool to the floor) Outside, motorcycles roar away. The dust cloud billows into the tent -- getting denser. MAGAZINE REPORTER (CONT'D) (on the floor) This is a magic moment in sport! It may never come again! I once did the Triple Crown, but it was nothing like this. A FROG-EYED WOMAN claws at the MAGAZINE REPORTER, tries to haul him up. FROG-EYED WOMAN Please stand up! You're a correspondent for a major national magazine who's name we can't get clearance for! Please! You'd be a very handsome man if you'd just stand up! MAGAZINE REPORTER Listen, madam. I'm damn near intolerably handsome down here where I am. You'd go crazy if I stood up! A feverishly eager LACERDA appears out of the dust cloud, 3 cameras slung round his neck. LACERDA Club soda, please. FROG-EYED WOMAN (to MAGAZINE REPORTER) Please! I love Life! 27. LACERDA (to DUKE) Man, it's great out there! DUKE Lunatics. LACERDA grins. VOICE OFF Group 6! LACERDA Meet you outside! LACERDA downs his drink -- hurries out through the crowd and out into the cloud of dust. EXT. DESERT - DAY Nothing. Except for a THICK CLOUD OF DUST. Barely visible, a motorcycle comes speeding into the pits. The RIDER staggers off his bike. The PIT CREW gas it up and sends it back with a FRESH RIDER. DUKE watches him disappear back into the dust cloud. DUKE (V/O) By 10 they were spread out all over the course. It was no longer a race, now it was an Endurance Contest. The idea of trying to "cover this race" in any conventional press sense was absurd. A HORN HONKS. A shiny BLACK BRONCO with DRIVER. LACERDA hangs out of the window. LACERDA It's great, isn't it?! Jump in! DUKE gets into the Bronco and they head into the DUST CLOUD. EXT. DESERT - DAY IN THE BRONCO. DUKE hangs on with his beer. Nothing all around but the HUGE IMPENETRABLE CLOUD OF DUST. LACERDA snaps madly away at nothing at all! 28. LACERDA I'll just keep trying different combos of film and lenses till I find one that works in this dust! The SOUND OF MOTORCYCLES RACING... We hear music and voices singing: BATTLE HYMN "...As we go marching on When I reach my final campground, in that land beyond the sun, And the Great Commander asks me..." [What did he ask you, Rusty?] "Did you fight or did you run?" A moment later, the Bronco races out of the dust. DUKE coughs, chokes, drinks beer. BATTLE HYMN (continuing) [And what did you tell them, Rusty?] "We responded to their rifle fire with everything we had..." The sound of gun shots... A DUNE BUGGY races toward them, loaded down with THREE RETIRED PETTY OFFICERS, DRUNK AS HELL. The radio blares: "THE BATTLE HYMN OF LIEUTENANT CALLEY." The dune buggy is COVERED WITH OMINOUS SYMBOLS: SCREAMING EAGLES CARRYING AMERICAN FLAGS IN THEIR CLAWS. A slant-eyed Snake being chopped to bits by a buzz-saw made of stars and stripes. A MACHINE GUN MOUNT on the passenger side. They yell over the roaring engines. DUNE BUGGY DRIVER Where's the damn race? DUKE Beats me. We're just good patriotic Americans like yourself. DUKE gives DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A NICE BIG GRIN. In response, the PASSENGER #2 narrows his eyes -- tightens his grip on an automatic weapon. DUNE BUGGY DRIVER (suspiciously) What outfit you fellas with? 29. DUKE The sporting press. We're friendlies. Hired geeks. The DRIVER and DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 exchange looks. DUKE If you want a good chase, you should get after that skunk from CBS News up ahead in the black jeep. He's the man responsible for that book, THE SELLING OF THE PENTAGON. DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #1 HOT DAMN! DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A black jeep, you say? And they ROAR away. DUKE Take me back to the pits. LACERDA No, no -- we have to go on. We need total coverage. DUKE gets out of the Bronco. DUKE You're fired. After a moment's hesitation, LACERDA and the BRONCO driver roar away leaving DUKE alone in the cloud of dust. DUKE (V/O) It was time. I felt, for an Agonizing Reappraisal of the whole scene. The race was definitely under way. I had witnessed the start; I was sure of that much. But what now? EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT MUSIC PUMPS OUT. CRUISING IN THE RED SHARK IN VEGAS. THE SKY SWIRLS WITH MILLIONS OF NEON LIGHTS CHASING EACH OTHER IN BAROQUE PATTERNS ACROSS GIGANTIC HOTEL SIGNS. PSYCHEDELIC LIGHT SHOWS TO LURE AND DERANGE THE INNOCENT. CITY OF LOST SOULS. 30. DUKE Turn up the radio! Turn up the tape machine! Roll the windows down. Let's taste this cool desert wind! Aaah, yes! This is what it's all about! DUKE, beer in hand, drives -- a big smile for the world. GONZO scans The Vegas Visitor. DUKE (V/O) Total control now. Tooling along the main drag on a Saturday night in Vegas, two good old boys in a fire apple red convertible... stoned, ripped, twisted... Good people! GONZO How about "Nickel Nick's Slot Arcade?" "Hot Slots," that sounds heavy. Twenty-nine cent hotdogs... DUKE Look, what are we doing here? Are we here to entertain ourselves, or to do the job? GONZO To do the job, of course. Here we go... a Crab Louie and quart of muscatel for twenty dollars! The Shark hits a bump. GONZO As your attorney I advise you to drive over to the Tropicana and pick up on Guy Lombardo. He's in the Blue Room with his Royal Canadians. They hit another bump. DUKE Why? GONZO Why what? CUT to wide shot. They are DRIVING AROUND IN CIRCLES in a large casino parking lot, bumping over the dividers. 31. DUKE Why should I pay out my hard-earned dollars to watch a fucking corpse. I don't know about you, but in my line of business it's important to be Hep. EXT. DESERT ROOM HOTEL - NIGHT TWO BIG SCREAMING FACES. DOORMAN #1 What the hell are you doing?! DOORMAN #2 You can't park here! DUKE Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park? Reveal the RED SHARK parked on the sidewalk in front of the Desert Inn. TWO DOORMEN loom over the car hood. The MARQUEE says: TONIGHT. DEBBIE REYNOLDS. GONZO leaps from the car, waving a five-dollar bill at the DOORMAN. GONZO We want this car parked! We drove all the way from L.A. for this show. We're friends of Debbie's. A pause, then... the DOORMAN pockets the bill, hands them a parking stub. DUKE and GONZO hurry into the hotel. INT. DESERT FROM HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO walk through the lobby. Black, mirrored, sleek, classy. DUKE Holy shit! They almost had us there! That was quick thinking. GONZO What do you expect? I'm your attorney. You owe me five bucks. I want it now. DUKE shrugs and hands over the $5. 32. DUKE (V/O) This was Bob Hope's turf. Frank Sinatra's. Spiro Agnew's. It seemed inappropriate to be haggling about nickel/dime bribes for the parking lot attendant. A WINE-COLORED TUXEDO stops them at the entrance to the ballroom. WINE-COLORED TUXEDO Sorry, full house. GONZO Goddamnit, we drove all the way from L.A. WINE-COLORED TUXEDO I said there are no seats left... at any price. GONZO Fuck seats! We're old friends of Debbie's. I used to romp with her. GONZO and the WINE-COLORED TUXEDO get into an ugly arm- waving negotiation. DUKE (V/O) After a lot of bad noise, he let us in for nothing provided we would stand quietly at the back and not smoke. As DUKE and GONZO disappear through the door we can hear the orchestra blasting out a HIGHLY BLANDIZED "SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND." A beat. The door flies open and BOUNCERS manhandle DUKE and GONZO out. Despite the rough treatment they're both SCREECHING WITH LAUGHTER. GONZO Jesus creeping shit! DUKE (tears streaming) Did the mescaline just kick in? Or was that Debbie Reynolds in a silver Afro wig?! 33. GONZO (in hysteria) We wandered into a fucking time capsule! EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT DUKE DRIVES FAST into the night. They're both LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. DUKE (in hysteria) We wandered into a fucking time capsule! THEN... GONZO finds a TINY TEAR IN HIS JACKET... GONZO What's this?... GONZO is instantly MOROSE. GONZO That scum... GONZO twists round in the car -- SCREAMS back into the night. GONZO SCUM! I know where you live! I'll find you and burn down your fucking house! EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS - NIGHT A hundred foot high neon clown: BAZOOKO CIRCUS. The RED SHARK pulls up beneath the sign. DUKE This is the place. They'll never fuck with us here. GONZO Where's the ether? This mescaline isn't working. EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT Into the GLARING, CHASING LIGHTS of the entrance canopy steps DUKE in EC/U holding a KLEENEX SOAKED IN ETHER TO HIS NOSE. 34. DUKE (V/O) Ah, devil ether. It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel... total loss of all basic motor skills; blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue -- (throws away kleenex) The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column. Which is interesting, because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it. DUKE and GONZO approach the entrance with elaborate care- taking one step at a time -- trying to keep ahead of the drug. DUKE (V/O) You approach the turnstiles and know that when you get there, you have to give the man two dollars or he won't let you inside... but when you get there, everything goes wrong. THE ETHER KICKS IN: DUKE and GONZO BOUNCE off the walls, CRASH into OLD LADIES, GIGGLE HELPLESSLY as they try to pay -- HANDS FLAPPING CRAZILY, unable to get money out of their pockets. DUKE (V/O) Some angry Rotarian shoves you and you think: What's happening here? What's going on? Then you hear yourself mumbling. DUKE (mumbling) Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine. Watch out!... Why money? My name is Brinks; I was born... Born? GONZO Get sheep over side... women and children to armored car... orders from Captain Zeep. The ATTENDANTS indulgently escort them through the TURNSTILES. 35. DUKE (V/O) Ether is the perfect drug for Las Vegas. In this town they love a drunk. Fresh meat. So they put us through the turnstiles and turned us loose inside. INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT Flames shoot up from below the casino. Above, a HIGH WIRE ACT with FOUR MUZZLED WOLVERINES, SIX NYMPHET SISTERS FROM SAN DIEGO, TWO SILVER PAINTED POLACK BROTHERS, and THREE KOREAN KITTENS. The WOLVERINE chases a NYMPHET through the air. TWO POLACKS swing at it from opposite sides and they are instantly locked in a death battle. All plummet to the nets suspended over the GAMBLING TABLES and SLOT MACHINES. No one looks up. The GAMBLERS REMAIN INTENT ON THE SPINNING ROULETTE WHEEL, THE TURN OF THE CARD, THE ROLL OF A DICE. DUKE (V/O) Bazooko Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. This was the Sixth Reich. Something causes DUKE to look down. A dwarf carrying drinks on a tray is tugging DUKE's pants leg trying to get him to move out of the way. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) A drug person can learn to cope with things like seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth but, nobody should be asked to handle this trip. GONZO and DUKE go upstairs walking past funhouse booths. One of them is manned by an orangutan in costume. A FAIRGROUND BARKER grabs DUKE. FAIRGROUND BARKER Stand in front of this fantastic machine, my friend. For just 99 cents your likeness will appear 200 hundred feet tall on a screen above downtown Las Vegas. On a TV monitor a 200 FOOT HIGH DRUNKARD looms over the Las Vegas skyline screaming OBSCENITIES. 36. FAIRGROUND BARKER 99 cents more for a voice message. Say whatever you want, fella. They'll hear you, don't worry about that. Remember, you'll be 200 feet tall! ANOTHER BARKER Step right up! Shoot the pasties off the nipples of this ten-foot bull-dyke and win a cotton candy goat! INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO sit on the revolving platform. GONZO stares -- glassy eyed -- coming apart. GONZO I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting The Fear. DUKE Nonsense. We came here to find the American Dream, and now we're right in the vortex you want to quit. You must realize that we've found the Main Nerve. GONZO That's what gives me The Fear. DUKE Look over there. Two women fucking a Polar Bear. GONZO Please, don't tell me those things... Not now. (signals the waitress for two Wild Turkeys) This is my last drink. How much money can you lend me? DUKE Not much. Why? GONZO I have to go. DUKE GO? 37. GONZO Yes. Leave the country. Tonight. DUKE Calm down. You'll be straight in a few hours. GONZO No. This is serious. One more hour in this town and I'll kill somebody! DUKE OK. I'll lend you some money. Let's go outside and see how much we have left. GONZO Can we make it? DUKE That depends on how many people we fuck with between here and the door. GONZO I want to leave fast. DUKE OK. Lets pay this bill and get up very slowly. It's going to be a long walk. (signals waitress who comes over) GONZO (suddenly to waitress) Do they pay you to screw that bear? WAITRESS What? DUKE He's just kidding. (to GONZO) Come on, Doc -- lets go downstairs and gamble. GONZO trembles with fear -- walks to the edge of the turntable. GONZO When does this thing stop? 38. DUKE It won't stop. It's not ever going to stop. DUKE carefully steps off the turntable. GONZO, eyes staring blindly ahead, squiting in fear and confusion, rooted to the spot, is carried away. DUKE Don't move you'll come around. DUKE reaches out to grab GONZO, who jumps back -- keeps going around. The BARTENDER narrows his eyes at them. DUKE steps onto the merry-go-round -- hurries round the bar -- approaching GONZO from the blind side and shoves GONZO from behind. GONZO goes down with a hellish scream. DUKE approaches him with his hands in the air. Smiling. DUKE You fell. Let's go. GONZO refuses to move and stands tense, fists clenched, looking for somebody to hit...an old woman perhaps? DUKE (CONT'D) OK. You stay here and go to jail. I'm leaving. DUKE walks fast towards the stairs. GONZO catches up with him. GONZO Did you see that? Some sonofabitch kicked me in the back. DUKE Probably the bartender. He wanted to stomp you for what you said to the waitress. GONZO Good God! Let's get out of here! Where's the elevator? DUKE (turning him in the opposite direction) Don't go near that elevator. That's just what they want us to do... trap us in a steel box and take us down to the basement. 39. EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO stumble out of the entrance. DUKE Don't run. They'd like any excuse to shoot us. GONZO (in an extended fall) You drive! I think there's something wrong with me. INT. MINT HOTEL CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THEIR SUITE - NIGHT DUKE AND GONZO RUN MADLY DOWN THE CORRIDOR... DUKE TAKING CARE NOT TO STEP ON THE PATTERNED PART OF THE CARPET. GONZO STRUGGLES with the key in the lock. GONZO Those bastards have changed the lock on us. They probably searched the room. Jesus, we're finished! The door SUDDENLY SWINGS OPEN. DUKE AND GONZO fall inside. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT GONZO Bolt everything! Use all chains! DUKE locks the door. The suite is crowded with ROOM SERVICE GOODIES. DUKE turns to see GONZO staring at two hotel room keys. EVERYTHING STOPS. GONZO Where did this one come from? DUKE snatches a key. DUKE That's Lacerda's room. GONZO smiles a slow smile... GONZO Yeah... I thought we might need it... DUKE What for? GONZO snatches the key back. 40. GONZO Let's go up there and blast him out of bed with the fire hose. DUKE No, we should leave the poor bastard alone. I get the feeling that he's avoiding us for some reason. GONZO Don't kid yourself. That Portuguese son of a bitch is dangerous. He's watching us like a hawk. DUKE He told me he was turning in early... GONZO utters an anguished cry -- slaps the wall with both hands. GONZO That dirty bastard! I knew it! He's got hold of my woman! DUKE (laughing) That little blonde groupie with the film crew? You think he sodomized her? GONZO That's right, laugh about it! You goddamn honkies are all the same! GONZO SLASHES A GRAPEFRUIT with a HUGE RAZOR SHARP HUNTING KNIFE. DUKE blanches. DUKE Where'd you get that knife? GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- MANIACAL. GONZO Room service sent it up. I wanted something to cut the limes. GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- INTO EIGHTHS! DUKE What limes? GONZO SLICES -- SIXTEENTHS! 41. GONZO They didn't have any. They don't grow in the desert. SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO That dirty toad bastard! I knew I should have taken him out when I had the chance. Now he has her. SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO SLASHES INSANELY! DUKE watches -- straight-faced. DUKE (V/O) I remember the girl. We'd had a problem with her in the elevator a few hours earlier: my attention had made a fool of himself. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (FLASHBACK) An elevator door opens to reveal the SMILING FACES OF LACERDA, THE BLONDE TV REPORTER AND HER CREW. DUKE and GONZO stagger in. LACERDA drops his smile. He's standing beside the BLONDE TV REPORTER. A trembling GONZO moonily turns his eyes onto her. BLONDE TV REPORTER (to Gonzo) You must be a rider. What class are you in? GONZO Class? What the fuck do you mean? BLONDE TV REPORTER What do you ride? We're filming the race for a TV series -- maybe we can use you. GONZO Use me? DUKE (V/O) Mother of God, I thought. Here it comes. GONZO is TREMBLING BADLY. There's a moment of uncomfortable silence. 42. GONZO (suddenly shouting) I ride the BIG ONES! The really BIG fuckers! GONZO shows his teeth to LACERDA. DUKE laughs trying to defuse the scene. DUKE The Vincent Black Shadow. We're with the Factory Team. TV CAMERAMAN Bullshit. GONZO stills -- becomes dangerous -- zeros in on the TV CAMERAMAN -- groin to groin... GONZO Wait a minute, pardon me lady, but I think there's some kind of ignorant chicken-sucker in this car who needs his face cut open. You cheap honky faggots! Which one of you wants to get cut?! DEAD SILENCE. Ding! The elevator door opens, but nobody moves. The door closes. Next floor. Ding! The door opens again. A middle-aged couple start to get in. Change their minds. The door closes. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY DUKE and GONZO run down the corridor. GONZO LAUGHS WILDLY. GONZO Spooked! They were spooked! Like rats in a death cage! INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE and GONZO CRASH into their hotel suite -- BOLT THE DOOR. GONZO stops laughing. GONZO Goddamn. It's serious now. That girl understood. She fell in love with me. END FLASHBACK. 43. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO with the BIG HUNTING KNIFE -- sliced grapefruit segments everywhere. GONZO Let's go up there and castrate that fucker! GONZO pauses -- A MAD THOUGHT -- turns to DUKE. GONZO (squinting suspiciously) Have you made a deal with him? Did you put him on to her? DUKE (backing slowly towards the door) Look you better put that blade away and get your head straight. I have to put the car in the lot. DUKE (V/O) One of the things you learn, after years of dealing with drug people, is that you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it's waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eyes. INT. CASINO/LOBBY MINT HOTEL The MAGAZINE REPORTER is on the telephone. MAGAZINE REPORTER Las Vegas at dawn. The racers are still asleep, the dust is still on the desert, fifty thousand dollars in prize money, slumbers darkly in the office safe at Del Webb's fabulous Mint Hotel... DUKE walks past the REPORTER -- into THE CASINO, THE SAD, MEAGRE CROWDS AROUND THE CRAP TABLES. No joy. DUKE watches. DUKE (V/O) Who are these people? These faces! Where do they come from? They look like caricatures of used car dealers from Dallas. (MORE) 44. DUKE (V/O; CONT'D) And, sweet Jesus, there are a hell of a lot of them at four-thirty on a Monday morning. Still humping the American dream, that vision of the big winner somehow emerging from the last minute predawn chaos of a stale Vegas casino. DUKE stops at the Money Wheel, puts down a two dollar bill on a number, the wheel turns, he loses. DUKE You bastards! DUKE (V/O) No. Calm down. Learn to ENJOY losing. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE walks back into the room. We hear the LOUD STRAINS OF THREE DOG NIGHT'S "JOY TO THE WORLD." He walks to the bathroom and opens the door. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE BATHROOM - NIGHT Submerged in green water, GONZO WALLOWS in the steaming tub. Soap labels and grapefruit rinds float on the surface. A large empty pack of Neutrogena soap lies on the floor. The shower is on -- the tub overflowing. THE TAPE RECORDER PLAYS, from where it's plugged into the razor socket over the sink. DUKE turns off the shower -- notices a HUGE HUNK OF CHEWED UP WHITE BLOTTER. DUKE You ate ALL THIS ACID? No answer. DUKE (turning down the volume) You evil son of a bitch. You better hope there's some Thorazine in that bag, because if there's not, you're in bad trouble. GONZO Music! Turn it up. Put that tape on. 45. DUKE What tape? GONZO Jefferson Airplane. "White Rabbit." I want a rising sound. DUKE You're doomed. I'm leaving here in two hours and then they're going to come up here and beat the mortal shit out of you with big saps. Right there in that tub. GONZO I dig my own graves. Green water and the White Rabbit. Put it on. DUKE OK. But do me one last favor, will you. Can you give me two hours? That's all I ask -- just two hours to sleep before tomorrow. I suspect it's going to be a very difficult day. He switches on the tape. "WHITE RABBIT" begins to build. GONZO (coolly) Of course, I'm your attorney, I'll give you all the time you need, at my normal rates: $45 an hour -- but you'll be wanting a cushion, so, why don't you just lay one of those $100 bills down there beside the radio, and fuck off? DUKE How about a check? GONZO Whatever's right. DUKE moves the radio as far from the tub as he can and leaves, closing the door behind him. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE goes across to the sofa and crashes -- exhausted. Suddenly a great ripping and crashing noise in the bathroom. GONZO (V/O) Help! You bastard! I need help! 46. DUKE JUMPS up -- crosses to the bathroom door, muttering. DUKE Shit, he's killing himself! INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT DUKE RUSHES IN. GONZO flails -- trying to reach the radio with the shower curtain pole which he has ripped from its mounts. GONZO (snarling) I want that fucking radio! DUKE GRABS THE RADIO. DUKE Don't touch it! Get back in that tub! GONZO Back the tape up. I need it again! Let it roll! Just as high as the fucker can go! And when it comes to that fantastic note where the rabbit bites its own head off, I want you to THROW THAT FUCKING RADIO INTO THE TUB WITH ME! DUKE stares down at GONZO. DUKE Not me. It would blast you through the wall -- stone dead in ten seconds and they'd make me explain it! GONZO BULLSHIT! Don't make me use this. HIS ARM LASHES OUT OF THE WATER, HOLDING THE KNIFE. DUKE Jesus. GONZO Do it! I want to get HIGHER! DUKE considers this. He's had enough. 47. DUKE Okay. You're right. This is probably the only solution. (holds the PLUGGED IN TAPE/RADIO over the tub) Let me make sure I have it all lined up. You want me to throw this thing into the tub when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks. Is that it? GONZO falls back into the water, smiling gratefully. GONZO Fuck yes. I was beginning to think I was going to have to go out and get one of the goddamn maids to do it. DUKE Are you ready? He switches "WHITE RABBIT" back on. GONZO HOWLS AND MOANS AND THRASHES TO THE MUSIC, straining to get over the top. Meanwhile, DUKE picks up a grapefruit from the sink -- a good two-pounder, he gets a grip on it... and when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks... HE HURLS IT INTO THE TUB LIKE A CANNONBALL. GONZO SCREAMS CRAZILY, THRASHING AND CHURNING -- CAUSING A TIDAL WAVE. DUKE JERKS THE RADIO CABLE OUT OF THE SOCKET -- SLAMS OUT OF THE BATHROOM. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE slumps onto the sofa. SILENCE. GONZO RIPS OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR, his eyes unfocused. HE WAVES THE RAZOR SHARP BLADE out in front of him -- LUNGES at DUKE. DUKE WHIPS OUT A CAN OF MACE. DUKE MACE! YOU WANT THIS? GONZO stops -- hisses. GONZO You bastard! You'd do that, wouldn't you? 48. DUKE (laughs) Why worry? You'll like it. Nothing in the world like a Mace high. Forty-five minutes on your knees with the dry heaves... GONZO You cheap honky sonofabitch... DUKE Why not? Hell, just a minute ago, you were asking me to kill you! And now you want to kill me! What I should do, goddamnit, is call the police! GONZO The cops? DUKE There's no choice. I wouldn't dare go to sleep with you wandering around with a head full of acid and wanting to slice me up with that goddamn knife! GONZO (mumbles) Who said anything about slicing you up? I just wanted to carve a little Z on your forehead. Nothing serious. GONZO shrugs and reaches for a cigarette on top of the TV set. DUKE (menaces him with the MACE) Get back in that tub. Eat some reds and try to calm down. Smoke some grass, shoot some smack -- shit, do whatever you have to do, but let me get some rest. GONZO turns toward the bathroom -- suddenly sad. GONZO Hell, yes. You really need some sleep. You have to work. Goddamn. What a bummer. Try to rest. Don't let me keep you up. 49. GONZO shuffles back into the bathroom. DUKE wedges a chair up against the bathroom doorknob and puts the mace can next to the clock. DUKE turns on the TV. WHITE NOISE FILLS THE ROOM. He collapses onto the sofa and lights up his lightbulb as pipe. DUKE (V/O) Ignore the nightmare in the bathroom. Just another ugly refugee from the Love Generation. The WHITE NOISE snow storm on the TV is reflected in his face. The camera pulls back revealing THE ENTIRE WALL BEHIND HIM TO BE SWIRLING WITH THE FIZZING SNOWSTORM PATTERN. DUKE (V/O) My attorney had never been able to accept the notion -- often espoused by former drug abusers -- that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. And neither have I, for that matter. The pattern on the wall changes to A 60'S VISCOUS OIL LIGHTSHOW PATTERN. With DUKE still sitting in the foreground, the projected image widens to reveal the interior of A HAIGHT ASHBURY DANCE HALL full of DANCING PROTO-HIPPIES. INT. MATRIX CLUB - NIGHT A slightly YOUNGER DUKE moves through the throng. All the action is in a DREAMLIKE SLOW-MOTION. DUKE (V/O) I recall one night in the Matrix. There I was -- a victim of the Drug Explosion. A natural street freak, just eating whatever came by. A ROAD-PERSON with a big pack on his back is shouting. The sound of his voice, like his movements, is in slow-motion. ROAD-PERSON Anybody want some L...S...D...? I got all the makin's right here. All I need is a place to cook. The camera pushes right into the ROAD-PERSON's mouth. INT. MATRIX MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Still in slow motion, the YOUNGER DUKE is trying to eat a HUGE SPANSULE OF ACID. With difficulty. 50. DUKE (V/O) I decided to eat only half at first. Good thinking. But I spilled the rest on the sleeve of my red Pendleton shirt. DUKE stares at his sleeve, uncertain what to do. C/U of the door to the men's room as a MUSICIAN enters speaking in slow-motion. MUSICIAN What's the trouble? DUKE (also in slow-motion) Well, all this white stuff on my sleeve is LSD. The MUSICIAN approaches and looks down at DUKE'S arm. A long pause. Cut back to tight shot of door as it opens and a very clean- cut, PREPPY, STOCKBROKER TYPE enters. He freezes in horror. We cut to his POV. DUKE is standing in the middle of the men's room with the MUSICIAN hunkered down at his side... sucking on his sleeve. A very gross tableau. The STOCKBROKER slowly eases out of the room. DUKE (V/O) With a bit of luck his life was ruined -- forever thinking that just behind some narrow door in all his favorite bars, men in red Pendleton shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know. INT. A BAR - YEARS LATER - NIGHT The STOCKBROKER LOOKING CONSIDERABLY OLDER sits looking lost, confused, a nervous wreck. The image flares out in a TV white noise snowstorm. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE sits staring at the TV. 51. DUKE (V/O) Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. (he gets up, pours himself a drink) Has it been five years? Six? It seems like a lifetime -- the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant. DUKE throws open the curtains. Light streams in. EXT. 1965 STOCK FOOTAGE We are in SAN FRANCISCO. IMAGES OF THE TIME FLOOD IN. DUKE (V/O) THERE WAS MADNESS IN ANY DIRECTION, AT ANY HOUR... YOU COULD STRIKE SPARKS ANYWHERE. THERE WAS A FANTASTIC UNIVERSAL SENSE THAT WHATEVER WE WERE DOING WAS RIGHT, THAT WE WERE WINNING. AND THAT, I THINK, WAS THE HANDLE -- THAT SENSE OF INEVITABLE VICTORY OVER THE FORCES OF OLD AND EVIL. NOT IN ANY MEAN OR MILITARY SENSE; WE DIDN'T NEED THAT. OUR ENERGY WOULD SIMPLY prevail. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave... DUKE'S FACE IS SUFFUSED WITH A SADNESS AND SERENITY WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. DUKE (V/O) So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high water mark -- that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. 52. The memories dissolve into the night skyline of Vegas. Suddenly towering over the casinos is a 200 foot high Nazi shouting "WOODSTOCK ÜBER ALLES!" INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE closes the curtain. The room is in darkness again. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAWN A harsh door buzzer. DUKE jerks awake. Alone. Looking like shit. Around him is the wreckage of their stay. DUKE (V/O) The decision to flee came suddenly. Or maybe not. DUKE opens the door to a BELL BOY with a trolley load of fruit, drinks and flowers... and a smile. BELL BOY Room service! The BELL BOY wheels the trolley across the room -- already stacked with EVEN MORE BOXES OF GOODIES. DUKE (V/O) Maybe I'd planned it all along -- subconsciously waiting for the right moment. The bill was a factor, I think. Because I had no money to pay for it. DUKE slams the door -- starts FRANTICALLY PACKING. DUKE (V/O) Our room service tabs had been running somewhere between $29 and $36 per hour, for forty-eight consecutive hours. Incredible. How could it happen? DUKE sees the DISCARDED WRAPPINGS OF EXPENSIVE, HAND TOOLED LUGGAGE. A sudden thought. He rushes to GONZO's room -- empty. His plastic briefcase remains on the bed... DUKE (V/O) But by the time I asked this question, there was no one around to answer. DUKE opens the briefcase -- finds the .357 MAGNUM inside. 53. DUKE (V/O) My attorney was gone. He must have sensed trouble. QUICK CUT TO: EXT. LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - DAY GONZO WAVES GOODBYE as he boards an airplane with a set of brand-new fine cowhide luggage. DUKE (V/O) Panic. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE emerges with his bag and Gonzo's plastic briefcase -- leaves the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door -- checks both ways, then hurries away down the corridor. DUKE (V/O) It crept up my spine like first rising vibes of an acid frenzy. All these horrible realities began to dawn on me. INT. MINT HOTEL ELEVATOR - DAY An anxiety ridden DUKE watches the floor numbers as the elevator descends. He searches his pockets... DUKE (V/O) Here I was, alone in Las Vegas, with this goddamned incredibly expensive car, completely twisted on drugs, no cash, no story for the magazine. And on top of everything else I had a gigantic goddamn hotel bill to deal with. DUKE finds a last crumpled $5 bill. The door opens. A SECURITY GUARD enters with an OLD LADY IN HANDCUFFS. DUKE hides the bill -- crams back into the corner. Doors close. DUKE (V/O) I didn't even know who had won the race. Maybe nobody. 54. INT. MINT HOTEL LOBBY - DAY DUKE hurries out of the elevator -- eyes on a hovering MANAGER. Past the curious look of the reception CLERK. DUKE (muttering to himself) How would Horatio Alger have handled this situation? EXT. MINT HOTEL - DAY Motoring, DUKE gives his $5 bill to the HOTEL FRONT DOORMAN with a smile. The DOORMAN blows a frantic whistle and waves at the CAR BOY. DUKE (V/O) Stay calm. Stay calm. I'm a relatively respectable citizen -- a multiple felon, perhaps, but certainly not dangerous. The CAR BOY pulls up with a screech. DUKE jumps in. The back seat is stacked with bars of Neutrogena, piles of Mint 400 t-shirts, boxes of grapefruit. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Luckily, I had taken the soap and grapefruit and other luggage out to the car a few hours earlier. Now it was only a matter of slipping the noose... DUKE shifts into drive. Deliverance! CLERK'S VOICE MR. DUKE! DUKE freezes. CLERK'S VOICE Mr. Duke! We've been looking for you! DUKE (V/O) The game was up! They had me. DUKE (to himself) Well, why not? Many fine books have been written in prison. 55. Resigned, DUKE turns off the ignition. A young CLERK arrives breathlessly with a smile and a YELLOW LETTER IN HIS HAND. CLERK Sir? (thrusts out a TELEGRAM) This telegram came for you. Actually, it isn't for you. It's for somebody named Thompson, but it says 'care of Raoul Duke'. does that make sense? DUKE (barely able to speak) Yes... It makes sense. DUKE stuffs the telegram into his top pocket. The CLERK peers into the car -- sees part of the enormous stash inside. CLERK I checked the register for this man Thompson. We don't show him but I figured he might be part of your team. DUKE He is. Don't worry, I'll get it to him. He fires up the engine -- eases the RED SHARK into low gear. SECURITY GUARDS are looking across -- sharing a quiet word or two. CLERK What confused us was Dr. Gonzo's signature on the telegram from Los Angeles. When we knew he was right here in the hotel. DUKE You did the right thing. Never try to understand a press message. About half the time we use codes -- especially with Dr. Gonzo. CLERK Tell me. When will the doctor be awake? 56. DUKE (tenses) Awake? What do you mean? DUKE's eyes are on the SECURITY GUARDS -- moving closer. CLERK (uncomfortably) Well... the manager, Mr. Heem, would like to meet him. Nothing unusual. Mr. Heem likes to meet all our large accounts... put them on a personal basis... just a chat and a handshake, you understand. DUKE Of course. But if I were you, I'd leave the Doctor alone until after he's eaten breakfast. He's a very crude man. DUKE edges the car forward, but is stopped by the CLERK. CLERK But he will be available? Perhaps later this morning? DUKE Look. That telegram was all scrambled. It was actually from Thompson, not to him. Western Union must have gotten the names reversed. I have to get going. I have to get out to the track. CLERK There's no hurry! The race is over! DUKE (taking off) Not for me. He waves the CLERK off the car -- roars away. CLERK Let's have lunch! DUKE Righto! EXT. ROAD OUT OF VEGAS - DAY DUKE drives the RED SHARK out of Vegas. 57. A "YOU ARE LEAVING LAS VEGAS" sign flashes past. Bob Dylan plays: "Memphis Blues Again -- "Aaww, Mama, can this really by the end...?" A sign: LOS ANGELES -- 400 miles. DUKE (V/O) Jesus, bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing -- intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out! The weasels were closing in. I could smell the ugly brutes. Flee! DUKE drives fast. DUKE Do me one last favor Lord: just give me five more high-speed hours before you bring the hammer down; just let me get rid of this goddamn car and off of this horrible desert. A sign flashes "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE." A patrol car pulls out behind him, lights flashing. DUKE (CONT'D) You evil bastard! This is your work! You'd better take care of me, Lord... because if you don't you're going to have me on your hands. The patrol car screams after the RED SHARK. DUKE (V/O) Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a Highway Traffic Cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. DUKE floors the gas pedal. DUKE (V/O) It arouses contempt in the cop heart. THE SPEEDOMETER CLIMBS STEADILY. 58. DUKE (V/O) Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you're about to turn right. DUKE signals right. The RED SHARK screams at 120 mph. DUKE (V/O) This is to let him know you're looking for a proper place to pull off and talk. AN EXIT OFF RAMP: MAX SPEED 25. DUKE hits the brakes. The COP brakes. DUKE (V/O) It will take him a moment to realize that he is about to make 180 degree turn at speed... but you will be ready for it, braced for the G's and the fast heel toe work. The patrol car spins and fishtails crazily out of control. EXT. SCENIC PICNIC AREA - DAY The patrol car comes skidding around the corner. DUKE stands beside the RED SHARK, completely relaxed and smiling. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN gets out of the car, screaming. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Just what the FUCK did you think you were doing?! DUKE smiles. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN May I see your license. DUKE Of course, officer. DUKE reaches for it. And BOTH MEN look down at a beer can -- which DUKE had, somehow, forgotten was in his hand. DUKE (V/O) I knew I was fucked. The COP relaxes -- actually smiles... He reaches out for DUKE's wallet, then holds out his other hand for the beer. 59. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Could I have that, please? DUKE Why not? It was getting warm anyway. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN takes it, pours out the beer -- glances in the back seat of the RED SHARK. Amongst the bars of soap... A case of warm beer. DUKE smiles back at him. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You realize... DUKE Yeah. I know. I'm guilty. I understand that. I knew it was a crime but I did it anyway. Shit, why argue? I'm a fucking criminal. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN That's a strange attitude. He looks at DUKE thoughtfully. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You know -- I get the feeling you could use a nap. There's a rest area up ahead. Why don't you pull over and sleep a few hours? DUKE A nap won't help. I've been awake for too long -- three or four nights. I can't even remember. If I go to sleep now, I'm dead for twenty hours. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN smiles. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Okay. Here's how it is. What goes into my book, as of noon, is that I apprehended you... for driving too fast, and advised you to proceed no further than the next rest area... your stated destination, right? Where you plan to take a long nap. Do I make myself clear? DUKE How far is Baker? I was hoping to stop there for lunch. 60. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Not my jurisdiction. The city limits are two point two miles beyond the rest area. Can you make it that far? DUKE I'll try. I've been wanting to go to Baker for a long time. I've heard a lot about it. The PATROLMAN holds the door for DUKE who gets in. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Excellent seafood. With a mind like yours, you'll probably want to try the land-crab. Try the Majestic Diner. The PATROLMAN slams the door shut. EXT. DESERT ROAD - DAY DUKE drives away -- teeth gritted. DUKE (V/O) I felt raped. The Pig had done me on all fronts, and now he was going off to chuckle about it -- on the west side of town, waiting for me to make a run for L.A. DUKE drives past the rest area to an intersection where he signals to turn right into Baker. As he approaches the turn he sees the HITCHHIKER! As DUKE slows to make the turn their eyes meet. DUKE is about to wave -- but the HITCHHIKER drops his thumb. DUKE Great Jesus, it's him. DUKE, spooked, SPINS THE RED SHARK round -- ROARS BACK THE WAY HE CAME. EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE on the public phone booth -- screaming. DUKE They've nailed me! I'm trapped in some stinking desert crossroads called Baker. I don't have much time. The fuckers are closing in. They'll hunt me down like a beast! 61. INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO sits surrounded by legal papers and law books. Mexican Day of the Dead masks hang from the walls -- flame-red demons. GONZO Who? You sound a little paranoid. EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE screams -- sweat pouring. DUKE You bastard! I need a lawyer immediately! INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO What are you doing in Baker? Didn't you get my telegram? EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE What? Fuck telegrams. I'm in trouble. You worthless bastard. I'll cripple your ass for this! All that shit in the car is yours! You understand that? When I finish testifying out here you'll be disbarred! INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO You're supposed to be in Vegas. We have a suite at the Flamingo. I was just about to leave for the airport. INT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE pulls out the telegram from his top pocket. GONZO'S VOICE You brainless scumbag! You're supposed to be covering the National District Attorney's conference! I made all the reservations... rented a white Cadillac convertible... the whole thing is arranged! What the hell are you doing out there in the middle of the fucking desert? 62. DUKE stares at the telegram. DUKE Never mind. It's all a big joke. I'm actually sitting beside the pool at the Flamingo. I'm talking from a portable phone. Some dwarf brought it out from the casino. I have total credit! Can you grasp that? (shouts) Don't come anywhere near this place! Foreigners aren't welcome here! DUKE, breathing heavily, hangs up phone. EXT. DESERT - DAY C/U of .357 Magnum cylinder being spun. DUKE (V/O) Well. This is how the world works. C/U An IGUANA basks in the sun. DUKE (V/O) All energy flows according to the whims of the Great Magnet. C/U Barrel of the gun. It fires. An explosion of desert dirt. DUKE (V/O) What a fool I was to defy Him. The IGUANA sits unfazed. DUKE (V/O) Never cross the Great Magnet. I understood this now... (another blast from the gun) ... and with understanding came a sense of almost terminal relief. DUKE stands alone in the vast desert firing at nothing, the thuds of the explosions echo away. EXT. ROAD INTO VEGAS - DAY The RED SHARK driving back towards Las Vegas. 63. DUKE (V/O) I had to get rid of The Shark. Too many people might recognize it... ...especially the Vegas Police. (tight C/U of DUKE) Luckily, my credit card was still technically valid. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: DUKE, now driving a white Cadillac Coupe de Ville -- THE WHITE WHALE. DUKE pushes buttons -- lowers the top. DUKE (V/O) This was a superior machine -- ten grand worth of gimmicks and high price special effects. The rear windows leapt up with a touch like frogs in a dynamited pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand. EXT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - AFTERNOON A GIANT SIGN: THE FLAMINGO WELCOMES THE NATIONAL DA'S CONFERENCE ON NARCOTICS & DANGEROUS DRUGS. DUKE (V/O) If the Pigs were gathering in Vegas, I felt the Drug Culture should be represented as well... and there was a certain bent appeal in the notion of running a savage burn on one Las Vegas hotel and then just wheeling across town and checking into another. The WHITE WHALE turns into a VIP parking slot, immediately attended by impressed MINIONS. DUKE (V/O) Me and a thousand ranking cops from all over America. Why not? Move confidently into their midst. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL LOBBY - AFTERNOON DUKE enters -- old Levis, grubby sneakers, 10 peso Acapulco shirt coming apart at the seams, 3 day growth, eyes hidden behind mirror shades. He heads for the check-in line. 64. DUKE (V/O) My arrival was badly timed. THE PLACE IS FULL OF COPS. 200 of them, on vacation, all dressed in cut price Vegas casuals: plaid Bermuda shorts, Arnie Palmer golf shirts, and rubberized beach sandals. Ahead of DUKE -- A POLICE CHIEF argues with the DESK CLERK. The POLICE CHIEF'S AGNEW STYLE WIFE stands to the side, weeping. The POLICE CHIEF'S FRIENDS stand uneasily around. POLICE CHIEF What do you mean I'm too late to register? I'm a police chief. From Michigan. Look, fella, I told you. (waves a POSTCARD) I have a postcard here that says I have reservations in this hotel. CLERK (prissily) I'm sorry, sir. You're on the "late list." Your reservations were transferred to the... ah... Moonlight Motel, which is out on Paradise Boulevard... POLICE CHIEF I've already paid for my goddamn room! CLERK It's actually a very fine place of lodging and only sixteen blocks from here, with its own pool and... POLICE CHIEF You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm tired of listening to this dogshit! FRIENDS restrain the POLICE CHIEF. CLERK (solicitously) I'm so sorry, sir. May I call you a cab? The POLICE CHIEF's screamed insults fade away... DUKE (V/O) Of course, I could hear what the Clerk was really saying... 65. CLERK (IN DUKE'S IMAGINATION) Listen, you fuzzy little shithead -- I've been fucked around, in my time, by a fairly good cross- section of mean-tempered rule-crazy cops and now it's MY turn. "Fuck you, officer, I'm in charge here, and I'm telling you we don't have room for you." DUKE steps to the desk, around the raging POLICE CHIEF. DUKE Say. I hate to interrupt, but I wonder if maybe I could just sort of slide through and get out of your way. Name's Raoul Duke -- Raoul Duke. My attorney made the reservation. DUKE snaps a credit card down onto the counter. EVERYONE goes silent. The POLICE CHIEF GROUP stares at him like he was some kid of water rat crawling up to the desk. The CLERK hits the bell for the BELLBOY. CLERK Certainly, Mr. Duke! DUKE My bags are out there in that white Cadillac convertible. Can you have someone drive it around to the room? ALL EYES turn to the gleaming WHITE WHALE. DUKE Oh, and could I get a quart of Wild Turkey, two fifths of Baccardi, and a night's worth of ice delivered to my room, please? CLERK Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just enjoy your stay. DUKE Well, thank you. DUKE gives the POLICE CHIEF a polite smile -- crosses to the elevator -- turns to face the GAWPING COPS -- pops a can of beer and toasts them. The doors close. 66. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY DUKE rams the key home -- swings the door open. DUKE Ah, home at last! INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - AFTERNOON DUKE enters. The door hits something with a thud. A 16-year-old GIRL with the aura of an angry Pit Bull. GONZO stands in the bathroom doorway -- stark naked with a drug-addled grin on his face. DUKE You degenerate pig! GONZO It can't be helped. This is Lucy. (laughing distractedly) You know--like "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds." LUCY eyes DUKE venomously. GONZO Lucy! Lucy, be cool, goddamnit! Remember what happened at the airport! No more of that, okay? LUCY keeps her eyes on DUKE. GONZO idles over and puts his arm round her shoulder. GONZO Lucy... this is my client. This is Mr. Duke, the famous journalist. He's paying for this suite, Lucy. He's on our side. DUKE flops onto the sofa. GONZO Mr. Duke is my friend. He loves artists. DUKE notices for the first time that the room is full of artwork. Maybe 40 or 50 portraits, some in oil, some in charcoal, all more or less the same size and same face. GONZO Lucy paints portraits of Barbra Streisand. 67. LUCY I drew these from TV. GONZO Fantastic. She came all the way down here from Montana just to give these portraits to Barbra. We're going over to the Americana Hotel tonight to meet her backstage... DUKE's voice rises above GONZO. DUKE (V/O) I desperately needed peace, rest, sanctuary. I hadn't counted on this. Finding my attorney on acid and locked into some kind of preternatural courtship. DUKE Well, I guess they brought the car round by now. LET'S GET THE STUFF OUT OF THE TRUNK. DUKE fixes GONZO hard. GONZO Absolutely, LET'S GET THE STUFF. (to LUCY) Now, we'll be right back. Don't answer the phone if it rings. LUCY (makes one-fingered Jesus freak sign) God bless. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY DUKE collars GONZO -- serious. DUKE WELL? What are your plans? GONZO Plans? DUKE Lucy. 68. GONZO (struggling to focus) Shit. I met her on the plane and I had all that acid. (he shrugs) You know, those little blue barrels. I gave her a cap before I realized... she's a religious freak... Jesus, she's never even had a drink. DUKE Well... It'll probably work out. We can keep her loaded and peddle her ass at the drug convention. GONZO stares uneasily at DUKE. GONZO Listen, she's running away from home for something like the fifth time in six months. It's terrible. DUKE She's perfect for this gig. These cops will go fifty bucks a head to beat her into submission and then gang fuck her. We can set her up in one of these back street motels, hang pictures of Jesus all over the room, then turn these pigs loose on her... Hell she's strong; she'll hold her own. GONZO's face twitches badly. GONZO Jesus Christ. I knew you were sick but I never expected to hear you actually say that kind of stuff. DUKE It's straight economics. This girl is a god-send. Shit, she can make us a grand a day. GONZO NO! Stop talking like that. DUKE I figure she can do about four at a time. Christ, if we keep her full of acid that's more like two grand a day. Maybe three. 69. GONZO You filthy bastard. I should cave your fucking head in. DUKE In a few hours, she'll probably be sane enough to work herself into a towering Jesus-based rage at the hazy recollection of being seduced by some kind of cruel Samoan who fed her liquor and LSD, dragged her to a Vegas hotel room and savagely penetrated every orifice in her body with his throbbing, uncircumcised member. GONZO starts crying. GONZO NO! I felt sorry for the girl, I wanted to help her! DUKE You'll go straight to the gas chamber. And even if you manage to beat that, they'll send you back to Nevada for Rape and Consensual Sodomy. She's got to go. Pause. GONZO Shit, it doesn't pay to try to help somebody these days. A silence. DUKE (V/O) The only alternative was to take her out to the desert and feed her remains to the lizards. But, it seemed a bit heavy for the thing we were trying to protect: My attorney. GONZO We have to cut her loose. She's got two hundred dollars. And we can always call the cops up there in Montana, where she lives, and turn her in. DUKE What?... What kind of goddamn monster are you? 70. GONZO It just occurred to me, that she has no witnesses. Anything that she says about us is completely worthless. DUKE Us? INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - SUNSET DUKE is speaking into the phone in hushed tones. DUKE Hotel Americana? I need a reservation. For my niece. Listen, I need her treated very gently. She's an artist, and might seem a trifle highstrung... In the background GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings out the door. GONZO Okay, Lucy, it's time to go meet Barbra... DUKE (V/O) I felt like a Nazi, but it had to be done. EXT. ON THE STREETS - A CAB STAND - DUSK The WHITE WHALE pulls up -- DUKE at the wheel. GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings from the car. DUKE (V/O) Lucy was a potentially fatal millstone on both our necks. There was absolutely no choice but to cut her adrift and hope her memory was fucked. GONZO unrolls a couple of bills -- pays off a CAB DRIVER -- waves to LUCY in the back with her paintings. She's starting to come down... GONZO gets back in the WHITE WHALE and slaps his hands together as if washing his hands of the situation. GONZO Well that's that. Take off slowly. Don't attract attention. 71. They pull out into traffic. EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - DUSK GONZO I gave the cabbie an extra ten bucks to make sure she gets there safe. Also, I told him I'd be there myself in an hour, and if she wasn't, I'd come back out here and rip his lungs out. DUKE That's good. You can't be subtle in this town. GONZO As your attorney, I advise you to tell me where you put the goddamn mescaline. DUKE Maybe we should take it easy tonight. GONZO Right. Let's find a good seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon. I feel a powerful lust for red salmon... The electric WHITE WHALE heads off down the Strip. The sun's going down behind the scrub hills, a good Kristofferson tune croaks on the radio in the warm dusk. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - BATHROOM - NEXT MORNING GONZO throws up in the toilet bowl. In the background, DUKE opens curtains. Daylight blinds him. DUKE Come on, we're going to be late. GONZO looks up at his sick reflection -- wipes his mouth with a towel. GONZO This goddamn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure? Maybe mix it up with Rolaids or something. 72. INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - DAY EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR (crackling and booming over the lousy sound system) On behalf of the prosecuting attorneys of this county, I welcome you to the Third National DA's Conference on Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. The EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR -- well groomed, GOP businessman type -- speaks from the podium. A banner behind him reads: NATIONAL DA'S CONVENTION 1971. "If You Don't Know, Come To Learn... If You Know, Come To Teach." A BIG MIXED CROWD: TOP LEVEL STRAIGHT COPS, UNDERCOVER NARCS AND OTHER TWILIGHT TYPES -- beards, mustaches and super-Mod dress. Just because you're a cop, doesn't mean you can't be WITH IT! However, for every URBAN-HIPSTER there are around 20 REDNECKS. A dozen big, low-fidelity speakers mounted on steel poles distort and feed back the EXECUTIVE's voice through the room. At the back, under a loudspeaker, sits DUKE -- $40 FBI wingtips, a Pat Boone madras sportcoat, and an official name tag: RAOUL DUKE, PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, L.A. GONZO sits beside him. His name tag: DR. GONZO. EXPERT, CRIMINAL DRUG ANALYSIS. He's nervous -- close to the edge. GONZO (lowers his voice) I saw these bastards in Easy Rider, but I didn't believe they were real. Not like this. Not hundreds of them! DUKE They're actually nice people when you get to know them. GONZO Man, I know these people in my goddamn blood! DUKE Don't mention that word around here. You'll get them excited. GONZO This is a fucking nightmare. 73. DUKE Right. Sure as hell some dope- dealing bomb freak is going to recognize you and put the word out that you're partying with a thousand cops. COP IN BACK SSSSHHH! DR. BLUMQUIST -- a "drug expert" -- takes the stage. DR. BLUMQUIST We must come to terms with the Drug Culture in the country... country... country... The sound systems echoes. DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D) The reefer butt is called a "roach," because it resembles a cockroach... cockroach... cockroach... GONZO (whispers) What the fuck are these people talking about? You'd have to be crazy on acid to think a joint looked like a goddamn cockroach! DUKE (V/O) It was clear that we had stumbled into a prehistoric gathering. DR. BLUMQUIST Now, there are four states of being in the cannabis, or marijuana, society: Cool, Groovy, Hip, and Square. The square is seldom if ever cool. He is not "with it," that is, he doesn't know "what's happening." But if he manages to figure it out, he moves up a notch to "hip." DUKE and GONZO listen in disbelief. DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D) And if he can bring himself to approve of what is happening, he becomes "groovy." After that, with much luck and perseverance, he can rise to the rank of "cool." A cool guy... cool guy... cool guy... 74. COP IN BACK Dr. Bloomquist, do you think the anthropologist, Margaret Mead's strange behavior of late might possibly be explained by a private marijuana addiction? DR. BLUMQUIST I really don't know, but at her age, if she did smoke grass, she'd have one hell of a trip! Roars of laughter. GONZO I know a hell of a lot better ways to waste my time than listening to this bullshit. He stands, knocking the ashtray off his chair arm, and plunges down the aisle to the door. COP IN BACK Down in front! GONZO Fuck you! I have to get out! I don't belong here! COP IN BACK Good riddance! He stumbles from the room. DUKE turns his attention back to the stage. The lights go down. A black & white film -- REEFER MADNESS! -- illustrates his now evangelical talk. FILM NARRATOR KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND! YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension... DUKE turns his attention to a 340 pound TEXAN POLICE CHIEF who necks with his 290 pound WIFE beside him. FILM NARRATOR ... and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim... 75. DUKE gazes at the TEXAN and his WIFE. -- Feigning sickness, he gets up, hand over mouth. DUKE Pardon me, I feel sick. FILM NARRATOR He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command -- including yours... DUKE heads for the exit. DUKE Sorry, sick... Beg pardon! Feeling sick... FILM NARRATOR BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time [on him] will usually save nine on you. DUKE CRASHES OUT THROUGH THE DOOR. INT. CASINO BAR - DAY DUKE sees GONZO at the bar -- talking to a SPORTY LOOKING COP about 40 whose name tag identifies him as a DISTRICT ATTORNEY FROM GEORGIA. DA I'm a whiskey man myself. We don't have much trouble from drugs where I come from... GONZO You will. One of these nights you'll wake up and find a junkie tearing your bedroom apart. DA Naw! GONZO They'll climb right into your bedroom and sit on your chest with big Bowie knives. They might even sit on your wife's chest. Put the blade right down on her throat. 76. DA Not down in my parts. DUKE joins them. DUKE (to WAITRESS) Rum and ice, please. DA (looks at DUKE'S NAME TAG) You're another one of these California boys. Your friend here's been tellin' us about dope fiends. DUKE They're everywhere. Nobody's safe. And sure as hell not in the South. They like warm weather... You'd never believe it. In L.A. it's out of control. First it was drugs, now it's witchcraft. DA Witchcraft? Shit, you can't mean it! The BARTENDER cleans his glasses, one ear straining for the conversation. GONZO Read the newspapers. DUKE Man, you don't know trouble until you have to face down a bunch of these addicts gone crazy for human sacrifice! DA Naw! That's science fiction stuff! DUKE Not where we operate. GONZO Hell, in Malibu alone, these goddamn Satan worshippers kill six or eight people every day. All they want is the blood. They'll take people right off the street if they have to. 77. DUKE Just the other day we had a case where they grabbed a girl right out of a McDonald's hamburger stand. She was a waitress, about sixteen years old... with a lot of people watching, too! The BARTENDER keeps cleaning the same glass -- more and more furiously. DA What happened? What did they do to her? GONZO Do? Jesus Christ, man. They chopped her goddamn head off right there in the parking lot! Then they cut all kinds of holes in her head and sucked out the blood! DA (DA ad-libs a summation of the crime) And nobody did anything? DUKE What could they do? The guy that took the head was about six-seven, and maybe three-hundred pounds. He was packing two Lugers, and the others had M-16s. GONZO They just ran back out into Death Valley -- you know, where Manson turned up... DUKE Like big lizards. GONZO ... and every one of them stacked naked... DA Naked!? DUKE Naked. 78. GONZO Yeh, naked!... except for the weapons. DUKE They were all veterans. DA Veterans?!!!? Agog with the horrors of the story, the BARTENDER polishes the glass -- faster and faster... GONZO Yeh. The big guy used to be a major in the Marines. DA A major! GONZO We know where he lives, but we can't get near the house. DA Naw! Not a major. GONZO He wanted the pineal gland. DA Really? GONZO That's how he got so big. When he quit the Marines he was just a little guy. DUKE Usually, it's whole families. During the night. Most of them don't even wake up until they feel their heads going -- and then, of course, it's too late. The glass smashes in the BARTENDER's hand. DUKE (CONT'D) Happens every day. DUKE turns to a WAITRESS with a warm smile. 79. DUKE (CONT'D) Three more rums. Plenty of ice. Maybe a handful of lime chunks. WAITRESS Are you guys with the police convention upstairs? DA We sure are, Miss. WAITRESS I thought so. I never heard that kind of talk around here before. Jesus Christ! How do you guys stand that kind of work? GONZO (grinning) We like it. It's groovy. The WAITRESS stares -- sickened -- at GONZO. DUKE What's wrong with you? Hell, somebody has to do it. GONZO Hurry up with those drinks. We're thirsty. Only two rums. Make mine a Bloody Mary. DA (whacks his fist on the bar) Hell, I really hate to hear this. Because everything that happens in California seems to get down our way, sooner or later. Mostly Atlanta. But that was back when the goddamn bastards were peaceful. All we had to do was to keep 'em under surveillance. They didn't roam around much... But now Jesus, it seems nobody's safe. GONZO (with a conspiratorial nod) You're going to need to take the bull by the horns -- go to the mat with this scum. 80. DA What do you mean by that? GONZO You know what I mean. We've done it before and we can damn well do it again! DUKE Cut their goddamn heads off. Every one of them. That's what we're doing in California. DA (stupefied) WHAT? GONZO Sure. It's all on the Q.T., but everybody who matters is with us all the way down the line. DUKE We keep it quiet. It's not the kind of thing you'd want to talk about upstairs. Not with the press around. DA (recovering slightly) Hell, no. We'd never hear the goddamn end of it. DUKE Dobermans don't talk. DA What? GONZO Sometimes it's easier to just rip out the backstraps. DUKE They'll fight like hell if you try to take the head without the dogs. DA God almighty! (muttering in a daze) I don't think I should tell my wife about this. She'd never understand. You know how women are. 81. DUKE gives the DA a brotherly slap on the back. DUKE Just be thankful your heart is young and strong. DUKE and GONZO leave the stunned DA -- staring into the swirling ice in drink. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY DUKE and GONZO fall into the suite in fits of laughter. GONZO feels the nausea rise suddenly -- heads for the bathroom. Immediate sounds of retching. The phone message light is blinking. DUKE opens a beer, picks up the phone. DUKE What's the message? My light is blinking. CLERK (V/O) Ah, yes. Mr. Duke? You have one message: "Call Lucy at the Americana Hotel, room 1600." DUKE Holy shit! DUKE slams the phone down. GONZO emerges from the bathroom -- looking like death. DUKE Lucy called. GONZO sags visibly -- like an animal taking a bullet. GONZO What? The telephone rings. DUKE answers. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - RECEPTION - DAY A worried CLERK speaks in to the phone. CLERK Mr. Duke? Hello, Mr. Duke, I'm sorry we were cut off a moment ago... I thought I should call again, because I was wondering... 82. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE WHAT? (hand over the PHONE) What was that crazy bitch said to him? (screams) There's a war on, man! People are being killed! CLERK (V/O) Killed? DUKE IN VIETNAM! ON THE GODDAMN TELEVISION! CLERK (V/O) Oh... yes... yes... This terrible war. When will it end? DUKE Tell me. What do you want? In the background GONZO is upturning a sofa to retrieve his stash from the lining. CLERK (V/O) The woman who left that message for you sounded very disturbed. I think she was crying... DUKE Crying? Why was she crying? CLERK (V/O) Well, uh. She didn't say Mr. Duke. But since I know you're here with the Police Convention... DUKE Look, you want to be gentle with that woman if she ever calls again. We're watching her very carefully... this woman has been into laudanum. It's a controlled experiment, but I suspect we'll need your cooperation before this thing is over. CLERK (V/O) (hesitantly) Well, certainly... We're always happy to cooperate with the police... 83. DUKE Don't worry. You're protected. Just treat this poor woman like you'd treat any other human being in trouble. CLERK (V/O) What? Ah... yes, yes, I see what you mean... Yes... so, you'll be responsible then? DUKE Of course. And now I have to get back to the news. Send up some ice. He hangs up. GONZO zaps TV channels -- commercials. GONZO Good work. They'll treat us like goddamn lepers after that. DUKE (slowly, carefully) Lucy is looking for you. GONZO (laughing) No, she's looking for you. DUKE Me? GONZO She really flipped over you. The only way I could get rid of her was by saying you were taking me out to the desert for a showdown -- that you wanted me out of the way so you could have her all to yourself. (laughing again) I guess she figures you won. That phone message wasn't for me, was it? A look of stunned realization from DUKE... INT. FANTASY COURT ROOM - DAY LUCY is on the witness stand. LUCY Yessir, those two men in the dock are the ones who gave me the LSD and took me to the hotel. 84. A doomed DUKE and GONZO await their fate. LUCY I don't know for sure what they done to me, but I remember it was horrible. JUDGE Twenty years... and Double Castration! The JUDGE bangs his gavel. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY DUKE is madly stuffing his suitcase. GONZO Wait! You can't leave me alone in this snake pit. This room is in my name. DUKE KEEPS PACKING. GONZO is looking worried. GONZO OK, goddamnit!... Look... I'll call her. I'll get her off our backs. You're right. She's my problem. DUKE It's gone too far. GONZO Relax. Let me handle this. (dials the PHONE, snaps angrily at DUKE) You'd make a piss-poor lawyer. ...Room 1600, please. (to DUKE) As your attorney, I advise you not to worry. (nods towards bathroom) Take a hit out of that little brown bottle in my shaving kit. DUKE goes in the bathroom. He finds a little bottle -- a label: "DRINK ME." DUKE What is this? 85. GONZO You won't need much. Just a little tiny taste, that stuff makes pure mescaline seem like ginger-beer. Adrenochrome. DUKE stares wonderingly at the bottle. DUKE Adrenochrome... GONZO (into PHONE) Hi, Lucy? Yeah, it's me. I got your message...what? Hell, no, I taught the bastard a lesson he'll never forget... what? No, not dead, but he won't be bothering anybody for a while. Yeah. I left him out there, I stomped him, then pulled all his teeth out... DUKE (V/O) I remember thinking, "Jesus, what a terrible thing to lay on somebody with a head full of acid." DUKE dips a match head into the brown bottle -- studies it -- TASTES IT -- NOTHING -- TASTES SOME MORE... GONZO (to PHONE) But here's the problem. That bastard cashed a bad check downstairs and gave you as a reference. They'll be looking for both of you. Yeah, I know, but you can't judge a book by its cover, Lucy. Some people are just basically rotten... Anyway, the last thing you want to do is call this hotel again; they'll trace the call and put you straight behind bars... no, I'm moving to the Tropicana right away. I have to go, they've got the phone tapped. Yeah, I know, it was horrible, but it's all over now... OH MY GOD! THEY'RE KICKING THE DOOR DOWN! (throws the PHONE down; shouts) No! Get away from me! I'm innocent! It was Duke! I swear to God! (MORE) 86. GONZO (CONT'D) (stomps the PHONE; moans) No, I don't know where she is. You'll never catch Lucy! She's gone! I swear, I don't know where she is! DON'T PUT THAT THING ON ME! (slams the PHONE down) GONZO sits back in his chair... watching MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. GONZO Well. That's that. She's probably stuffing herself down the incinerator about now. That's the last we should be hearing from Lucy. (fumbling with the hash pipe) Where's the opium? DUKE stares at the back of GONZO's neck. SOMETHING VERY STRANGE IS HAPPENING TO HIM... DUKE (V/O) I remember slumping on the bed, his performance had given me a bad jolt. For a moment I thought his mind had snapped -- that he actually believed he was being attacked by invisible enemies. But the room was quiet again. DUKE CLUTCHES THE BROWN BOTTLE. DUKE Where'd you get this? GONZO Never mind, it's absolutely pure. DUKE Jesus... what kind of monster client have you picked up this time? There's only one source for this stuff -- the adrenaline gland from a living human body! GONZO turns to smile at DUKE. 87. GONZO I know, but the guy didn't have any cash to pay me. He's one of these Satanism freaks. He offered me human blood -- said it would take me higher than I've ever been in my life. (laughs -- struts round DUKE -- eyes bright with expectation) I thought he was kidding, so I told him I'd just as soon have an ounce or so of pure adrenochrome -- or maybe just a fresh adrenaline gland to chew on. DUKE (V/O) I could already feel the stuff working on me -- the first wave felt like a combination of mescaline and methedrine -- maybe I should take a swim, I thought... DUKE sees that GONZO is TOYING WITH HIS HUNTING KNIFE... GONZO Yeah, they nailed this guy for child molesting. He swore he didn't do it. "Why should I fuck with children?" he says. "They're too small." Christ, werewolf is entitled to legal counsel. I didn't dare turn the creep down. He might have picked up a letter opener and gone after my pineal gland! GONZO JABS WITH THE RAZOR BRIGHT KNIFE. DUKE'S BODY IS GOING RIGID -- HE SPEAKS THROUGH GRITTED TEETH. DUKE Why not? We should get some of that. Just eat a big handful and see what happens. GONZO Some of what? DUKE (spitting words) Extract of pineal! 88. GONZO (STARING AT DUKE WITH A STRANGE SMILE) Sure. That's a good idea. One whiff of that shit would turn you into something out of a goddamn medical encyclopedia. GONZO GROWS HORNS -- HIS FACE BECOMES A MEXICAN DEMON MASK. GONZO Man, your head would swell up like a watermelon, you'd probably gain about a hundred pounds in two hours... A CLOVEN HOOF BURSTS THROUGH GONZO'S SHOE. DUKE Right! GONZO ... grow claws... bleeding warts. GONZO'S CHEST EXPANDS -- BONY RIBS BURSTING HIS SHIRT. DUKE Yes! GONZO ... then you'd notice about six huge hairy tits swelling up on your back... A TAIL LASHES, HOOFS STRIKE THE FLOOR. GONZO TOWERS -- A FLAME RED DEMON! DUKE Fantastic! DUKE is now so wire that his hands are CLAWING UNCONTROLLABLY at the bedspread, JERKING IT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER HIM. His heels are dug into the mattress with both KNEES LOCKED, EYEBALLS SWELLING. GONZO-DEMON LOOMS AGAINST THE CEILING. GONZO you'd go blind... your body would turn to wax... they'd have to put you in a wheelbarrow and... GONZO'S VOICE FADES AWAY -- DUKE'S frenzied gaze reveals GONZO REVERTED TO NORMAL HUMAN SHAPE AND SIZE. 89. GONZO Man I'll try about anything; but I'd never touch a pineal gland. DUKE FINISH THE FUCKING STORY! What happened?! What about the glands? GONZO, a small smile on his lips, backs away warily... towards the TV -- NOW A HUNDRED FEET AWAY IN THE DISTANCE... GONZO Jesus, that stuff got right on top of you, didn't it. VEINS stand out on DUKE's forehead. He is purplish-red. OVER THE TOP! Too late, he realizes he is NEAR DEATH! DUKE Maybe you could just... shove me into the pool, or something... GONZO shakes his head disgustedly. GONZO If I put you in the pool right now, you'd sink like a goddamn stone. You took too much. Jesus, look at your face, you're about to explode. GONZO sits back down... watching the TV. GONZO Don't try and fight it, or you'll get brain bubbles. Strokes, aneurysms. You'll just wither up and die. DUKE FALLS TO THE GROUND, WRITHING, CATATONIC, SINKING INTO PARALYSIS. AND THE SOUND, SUDDENLY AND STRANGELY, OF THE VOICE OF RICHARD NIXON AND HIS DISTORTED FACE ON THE TV SCREEN. NIXON Sacrifice... sacrifice... sacrifice... DUKE PASSES OUT. BLACK SCREEN 90. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Darkness. Insanely, somewhere NILSSON plays -- "Put the lime in the coconut and mix em all up..." DUKE (V/O) What kind of rat-bastard psychotic would play that song -- right now, at this moment? DUKE opens his eyes and the hotel suite rushes in. He lies, awkwardly twisted -- unable to move. He could have been there days -- months. DUKE (V/O) When I came to the general back alley ambiance of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? Hours? Days? Months? All these signs of violence. What had happened? DUKE moves his eyes -- taking in his surroundings: Like THE SIGHT OF SOME DISASTROUS ZOOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT involving whisky and gorillas. Blue and red Christmas tree lights replace lightbulbs, used towels hanging everywhere, pornographic pictures ripped out of a magazine are plastered on a shattered mirror. DUKE (V/O) There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of drug known to civilized man since 1544 AD. DUKE manages to move -- stiffly gets to his bare feet -- HOBBLES ROUND THE TRASHED ROOM like a newly risen ape. DUKE (V/O) But what kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries? These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau? Maybe so, but then why all this booze? And these crude pornographic photos smeared with mustard that had dried to a hard yellow crust... DUKE peers into Gonzo's room -- HIS BED LIKE A BURNED OUT RAT'S NEST -- blackened springs and wires. 91. DUKE (V/O) These were not the hoof prints of your normal god-fearing junkie. It was too savage, too aggressive. QUICK FLASHBACK: GONZO SMASHES THE TEN FOOT MIRROR WITH A HAMMER: BACK IN THE ROOM: DUKE stares at the smashed mirror. DUKE (V/O) Grim memories and bad flashbacks. In the bathroom, DUKE'S unlaced boots CRUSH BROKEN GLASS IN VOMIT AND GRAPEFRUIT RINDS. DUKE unzips and pisses. THERE IN THE TOILET BOWL IS THE MAGNUM .357! DUKE (V/O) Something ugly had happened. I was sure of it... DUKE stares at the golden stream SPLASHING ON THE GUN. The SOUNDS OF VOMITING come from a closet near the front door. DUKE looks into the room. He sees GONZO's ass sticking out of the closet. He opens his mouth to speak when, IN THE SMASHED MIRROR HE SEES THE FRAGMENTED REFLECTION OF HIMSELF... sleeping on the sofa. The ominous SOUND OF A KEY TURNING in the room lock. A hellish scream wakes up the SLEEPING DUKE. He sees GONZO grappling naked with the maid -- gun to her head. GONZO is muffling her screams with an ice bag. MAID Please... please... I'm only the maid. I didn't mean nothin!... DUKE (jumps up from the bed, flashing his press badge) YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! 92. GONZO (to DUKE) She must have used a pass key. I was polishing my shoes in the closet when I noticed her sneaking in-so I took her. DUKE shakes his head. DUKE (barks at the MAID) What made you do it? Who paid you off? MAID Nobody. I'm the maid! GONZO You're lying! You were after the evidence. Who put you up to this -- the manager? MAID I don't know what you're talking about! GONZO Bullshit! You're just as much a part of it as they are! MAID Part of what? DUKE The dope ring. You must know what's going on in this hotel. Why do you think we're here? MAID (blubbering) I know you're cops, but I thought you were just here for that convention. I swear! All I wanted to do was clean up the room. I don't know anything about dope! GONZO laughs. GONZO Come on, baby don't try to tell us you never heard of the Grange Gorman. 93. MAID No! No! I swear to Jesus I never heard of that stuff! DUKE Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe she's not part of it. MAID No! I swear I'm not! GONZO (long pause) In that case, maybe she can help. MAID Yes! I'll help you all you need! I hate dope! DUKE So do we, lady. GONZO (helping her up) I think we should put her on the payroll. See what she comes up with. DUKE Do you think you can handle it? MAID What? GONZO One phone call every day. Just tell us what you've seen. Don't worry if it doesn't add up, that's our problem. GONZO hustles the MAID to the door. MAID You'd pay me for that? DUKE You're damn right. But the first time you say anything about this, to anybody -- you'll go straight to prison for the rest of your life. What's your name? MAID Alice. Just ring Linen Service and ask for Alice. 94. GONZO Alright, Alice... you'll be contacted by Inspector Rock. Arthur Rock. He'll be posing as a politician. DUKE Inspector Rock will pay you. In cash. A thousand dollars on the ninth of every month. MAID Oh Lord! I'd do just about anything for that! GONZO You and a lot of other people. DUKE The password is: "One Hand Washes The Other." The minute you hear that, you say "I fear nothing." MAID I fear nothing. She repeats the password several times while they listen to make sure she has it right. GONZO Oh, and don't bother to make up the room. That way we won't have to risk another of these little incidents, will we? MAID Whatever you say, gentlemen. I can't tell you how sorry I am about what happened... GONZO Don't worry, it's all over now. Thank God for the decent people. She smiles, repeating to herself "One Hand Washes The Other" as GONZO hangs the DO NOT DISTURB sign and shuts the door. CUT BACK TO THE PRESENT. A grimy tape runs through a grunged-up portable tape recorder. GONZO ON TAPE ... Thank God for the decent people. 95. DUKE sits in the middle of the wrecked suite with his mangled tape recorder in front of him. DUKE (V/O) Memories of that night are extremely hazy... DUKE fast forwards through the tape -- SEARCHING: "Awwww, mama... can this really...be the end...?" EXT. SAFEWAY SUPERMARKET - DAY The WHITE WHALE waits -- gleaming -- beautiful. DUKE (V/O) There is a definite obligation, when you boom around Vegas in a white Coupe de Ville, to maintain a certain style. DUKE and GONZO burst out of the supermarket riding a shopping basket loaded with COCONUTS, GRAPEFRUIT and TEQUILA. They send DEFEATED SHOPPERS sprawling. The trolley collides into the WHITE WHALE. SHOPPERS gather at the supermarket entrance to watch -- baskets loaded with junk, SCREAMING KIDS and EMPTY WALLETS. DUKE switches on the music: JUMPING JACK FLASH. He selects a coconut -- ceremonially balances it on the hood. GONZO pulls out a silver claw-hammer. A sly look at the gathering CROWD... then he smashes the hammer down on the coconut! A GASP from the surly SHOPPERS. DUKE places another coconut. SMASH! Milk and white meat flies everywhere. SHOPPER #1 Hey! Is that your car? DUKE Sure is. SMASH! Coconut fragments fly. DUKE Any of you folks want the milk? We're after the meat. This is honest coconut essence. Real meat. SMASH! 96. SHOPPER #2 Meat, hell! Look what you're doing to that car! GONZO Fuck the car. They should make these things with a goddamn FM radio. SMASH! DUKE Yeh... This foreign made crap -- is sucking our dollar balance dry! SHOPPER #3 Someone should stop them! SMASH! DUKE You poor fools don't understand, do you? This car is the property of the World Bank! That money goes to ITALY! SHOPPER #3 Somebody should call the police! GONZO Police? Are you people crazy? GONZO confronts the CROWD, hammer in one hand, a coconut in the other. GONZO (CONT'D) You folks every heard of ole Patrick Henry? Know what he said?! Silence -- the CROWD uncomprehending of this STONE DEGENERATE. GONZO (CONT'D) (ROARS) GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH! GONZO brings the hammer down on the hood. CLANG! A gasp from the CROWD. Getting ugly. GONZO (CONT'D) In Samoa we LOVE THE CONSTITUTION! SHOPPER #3 Bullshit. 97. The CROWD move in. SHOPPER #1 Call the goddamn police! GONZO SWINGS THE HAMMER. CLANG! SHOPPER #4 Look what they've done to that beautiful car! DUKE jumps in behind the wheel. DUKE This crowd is not rational. They can't relate to us. Let's go! A final CLANG! GONZO jumps in. DUKE floors the accelerator -- screams at the CROWD. DUKE You people voted for Hubert Humphrey! You killed Jesus! They swerve round and through the CROWD. DUKE (V/O) The crowd broke ranks. Nobody wants to be run over by a Coupe de Ville. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - NIGHT DUKE FAST-FORWARDS... PLAYS THE TAPE... VOICE ON TAPE You found the American Dream? In this town? DUKE ON TAPE We're sitting on the main nerve right now... INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO (wearing a single black glove) talk conspiratorially to a 3RD MAN. A PLACID ORANGUTAN in a bow tie sits next to him. THE BAR IS REVOLVING FASTER THAN NORMAL. DUKE IS INSANELY TALKATIVE -- WIRED! 98. DUKE The manager told me a story about the owner of this place...about how he always wanted to run away and join the circus when he was a kid. Well, now the bastard has his own circus, and a license to steal, too. 3RD MAN You're right -- he's the model. DUKE Absolutely! Pure Horatio Alger... Say... INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE playing the tape. DUKE ON TAPE ... how much do you think he'd take for the ape? DUKE fast-forwards again -- searching... TRAFFIC NOISES. SCREECH OF BRAKES. VOICE ON TAPE Holy God!... A TERRIBLE GRINDING NOISE. EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT RENTAL AGENT Holy God!, how did this happen? DUKE They beat the shit out of it. RENTAL AGENT The top's completely jammed! The CAR RENTAL AGENT wrestles with the trashed car. DUKE Yeah, something's wrong with the motor... INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE ON TAPE ... The generator light's been on red ever since I drove the thing into Lake Mead on a water test... 99. A HUGE SPLASH... The tape's gone too far. DUKE No, no. Shit... DUKE races the tape BACKWARDS... Then, SIRENS HOWL. DUKE ON TAPE Where's the ape? I'm ready to write a check. INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS BAR - NIGHT DUKE is standing in the middle of A SEMI-DESTROYED BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING BAR. Mirrors are broken. People are recovering from some kind of battle. THE BAR SPINS MADLY. DUKE IS INSANELY WIRED. 3RD MAN Forget it, he just attacked an old man... he took a bite out of the bartender's head! The cops took the ape away. DUKE Goddamnit! What's the bail? I want that ape! I've already reserved two first-class seats on the plane. DUKE (V/O) There was every reason to believe that we had been heading for trouble, that we'd pushed our luck a bit far... INT. WHITE WHALE ON THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT GONZO SCREAMS ABUSE out of the window at a Ford alongside the VOMIT STREAKED WHITE WHALE. DUKE MAKES A SUPERHUMAN EFFORT TO STAY ON THE ROAD. GONZO Hey there! You folks want to buy some heroin? In the Ford: TWO COUPLES -- MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN FACES FROZEN IN SHOCK -- stare straight ahead. GONZO leans out -- close to them. 100. GONZO Hey, honkies! Goddamnit, I'm serious. I want to sell you some pure fucking smack! No reaction. GONZO Cheap heroin! This is the real stuff! You won't get hooked. I just got back from Vietnam! This is scag, folks. Pure scag! The lights change. The Ford bolts. DUKE keeps pace with them. GONZO Shoot! Fuck! Scag! Blood! Heroin! Rape! Cheap! Communist! Jab it right in your fucking eyeballs! The MAN IN THE BACK SEAT suddenly loses control -- enraged, lunges against the glass, trying to get at GONZO. MAN IN CAR You dirty bastards! Pull over and I'll kill you! God damn you! You bastards! INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT BACK IN THE SUITE: The tapes runs: MAN IN CAR ON TAPE You dirty bastards! An ugly squeal of brakes. GONZO ON TAPE Shit, he was trying to bite me! I shoulda maced the fucker! DUKE fast forwards the tape. The TAPE MANGLES -- the sounds ski to a halt... DUKE grabs the nearest tool -- uses it to hook out the tape, then realizes... IT'S GONZO'S RAZOR-SHARP FOLDING KNIFE... A CHILLING MOMENT... DUKE turns the knife over... THERE'S A DRIED CRIMSON SPOT ON THE BLADE... OR IS IT DRIED MASHED POTATOES? 101. READ ON TO FIND OUT! DUKE (remembering) Back door beauty! DUKE (V/O) The mentality of Las Vegas is so grossly atavistic that a really massive crime often slips by unrecognized. DUKE SCRAPS A LITTLE OF THE CRUST -- TASTES IT... DUKE (V/O CONT'D) The possibility of physical and mental collapse is very real... No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride... HE HEARS THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE BEHIND BEATEN UP... VOICE OFF Shit! Faggot! Bastard! EXT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT WHACK! SHADOWY FIGURES beat up a MAN -- give him A GOOD KICKING. BRUTAL AND UGLY. DUKE (V/O) North Vegas is where you go when you've fucked up once too often on The Strip and when you're not even welcome in the cut-rate Downtown places. PAN to reveal a seedy diner -- THE NORTH STAR CAFE in the background. Through the window -- DUKE and GONZO sit at the counter. INT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT DUKE (V/O) The North Star Coffee Lounge seemed like a fairly safe haven from our storms. No hassles, no talk. Just a place to rest and regroup. I wasn't even hungry. GONZO stuffs a hamburger down PAYING NO ATTENTION TO THE BEATING going on outside the window. Duke reads a newspaper. 102. DUKE (V/O) There was nothing in the atmosphere of the North Star to put me on my guard... GONZO (to WAITRESS) Two glasses of ice water with ice. The WAITRESS brings the ice water. DUKE (V/O) She looked like a burnt out caricature of Jane Russell. She was definitely in charge here... GONZO gulps down his glass of water and hands her a napkin. DUKE (V/O) He did it very casually, but I knew that our peace was about to be shattered. DUKE What was that? GONZO shrugs. The WAITRESS stands at the end of the counter with her back to them while she ponders the napkin... She turns. WAITRESS What is this? GONZO A napkin. THE WAITRESS slams the napkin down on the counter. WAITRESS Don't give me that bullshit! I know what it means! You goddamn fat pimp bastard. GONZO That's the name of a horse I used to own. What's wrong with you? WAITRESS You sonofabitch! I take a lot of shit in this place, but I sure as hell don't have to take it off a SPIC PIMP! 103. GONZO GOES VERY VERY STILL AT THIS... DUKE (V/O) Jesus. I thought, what's happening? DUKE picks up the napkin. On it is printed in careful red letters: "BACK DOOR BEAUTY?" DUKE (V/O CONT'D) The question mark was emphasized. WAITRESS (screams) Pay your bill and get the hell out! You want me to call the cops? GONZO Spic pimp? GONZO's hand goes inside his shirt. He PULLS OUT THE RAZOR- SHARP HUNTING KNIFE. GONZO KEEPS HIS EYES ON THE WAITRESS. He walks about six feet down the aisle and lifts the receiver of the pay phone. He SLICES IT OFF, then brings the receiver back to his stool and sits down. DUKE (V/O) I was stupid with shock -- not knowing whether to run or start laughing. GONZO (casual) How much is the lemon meringue pie? DUKE (V/O) Her eyes were turgid with fear, but her brain was functioning on some basic motor survival level. WAITRESS (blurting -- on automatic) Thirty-five cents! GONZO (laughing) I mean the whole pie. The WAITRESS MOANS. GONZO places a $5 BILL on the counter. GONZO Let's say five dollars. Okay? 104. GONZO walks round the counter TAKING THE PIE OUT OF THE DISPLAY CASE. DUKE (V/O) The sight of the blade had triggered bad memories. The glazed look in her eyes said her throat had been cut. She was still in the grip of paralysis when we left. DUKE IS ROOTED TO THE SPOT. GONZO urges him out the door. The camera retreats with them. The WAITRESS STANDS THERE -- PETRIFIED. Alone in a lousy bar at night. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE's face as he stares at the knife -- remembering... GONZO (V/O) Drive! Drive! Drive! We have fifteen fucking minutes to get me on that plane! EXT. ROAD ON OUTSKIRTS OF LAS VEGAS - DAY The WHITE WHALE, looking like shit -- it's TOP HALF UP, TORN, SLAPPING IN THE WIND -- ROARS THROUGH AN INTERSECTION as the light turns red. DR. GONZO FRANTICALLY PAWS OVER A MAP. DUKE drives -- SILENT AND FURIOUS -- sick to his stomach with the PSYCHOTIC GONZO. GONZO What are you doing? You were supposed to turn back there! DUKE (V/O) We had abused every rule that Vegas lived by -- burning the locals, abusing the tourists, terrifying the help. The only chance now, I felt, was the possibility that we'd gone to such excess that nobody in the position to bring the hammer down on us could possibility believe it. DUKE suddenly SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. 105. GONZO Jesus Christ!!! There, crossing the road in front of them, is LUCY -- her paintings under her arm -- looking lost. SHE LOOKS UP WITH A VAGUE SENSE OF RECOGNITION... DUKE throws the car into a SKIDDING REVERSE TURN AND ROARS OFF. EXT. DESERT ROAD OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS - DAY THE WHITE WHALE TEARS DOWN THE DESERTED FREEWAY. GONZO looks wildly around. GONZO Goddamnit! We're lost! What are we doing out here on this godforsaken road? GONZO sees that THEY'RE RUNNING PARALLEL WITH THE AIRPORT RUNWAY. GONZO The airport is over there! DUKE Never missed a plane yet. DUKE HITS THE BRAKES and wrenches the wheel -- takes the WHALE down into the grassy freeway divider. WHEELS CHURNING, HE MAKES IT UP THE OPPOSITE BANK, nose of the car straight up, then BOUNCES ONTO THE FREEWAY and keeps going right OVER A FENCE, dragging it through a cactus field and onto the RUNWAY. GONZO is FROZEN WITH FEAR -- GRIPPING THE DASHBOARD. He throws a worried look at DUKE. DUKE I'll drop you right next to the plane. They SPEED UNDER A PARKED AIRPLANE, SHOUTING ABOVE THE JET ENGINE SCREAM. GONZO No! I can't get out! They'll crucify me. I'll have to take the blame! 106. DUKE (irritatedly) Ridiculous! Just say you were hitchhiking to the airport and I picked you up. You never saw me before. Shit, this town is full of white Cadillac convertibles. I plan to go through there so fast that nobody will even glimpse the goddamn license plate. You ready? GONZO Why not? But for Christ's sake, just do it fast! EXT. AT THE AIRPLANE - DAY DUKE SCREECHES UP in front of the DESERT AIR 727. GONZO JUMPS OUT -- HEADS FOR THE PLANE. DUKE watches him go -- RELENTS. DUKE Hey! GONZO stops -- turns. DUKE Don't take any guff from those swine. Remember, if you have any trouble you can always send a telegram to the Right People. GONZO Yeah... Explaining my Position. Some asshole wrote a poem about that once... GONZO pauses. GONZO Probably good advice, if you have shit for brains. GONZO turns and RACES TOWARDS THE STEPS JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE PLANE HE PAUSES AND LOOKS BACK...SMILES...AND LEANS FORWARD AND VOMITS. DUKE (V/O) There he goes -- one of God's own prototypes -- a high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die. 107. DUKE watches for a second then ROARS AWAY. PULL BACK WITH THE WHITE SHARK -- LEAVING THE AIRPLANE FAR BEHIND. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE/APOCALYPSE - NIGHT On the TV an airplane soars thru the sky. Pull back to find DUKE barricaded in GONZO'S BEDROOM. He is typing on his typewriter. DUKE We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the speed that fueled that 60's. That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip. He crashed around America selling "consciousness expansion" without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took him seriously... DUKE records like A WAR CORRESPONDENT. The CAMERA slowly rises -- DUKE alone in the room with the TV SPEWING OUT IMAGES OF WARS AND CIVIL UNREST OF THE 90'S. DUKE All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their loss and failure is ours too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped create... RISING HIGHER -- THE WALLS OF THE ROOM APPEAR TO BY 20 TO 30 FEET HIGH. DUKE SEEMS TO BE AT THE BOTTOM OF A WELL... THE CAMERA RISES UP THROUGH BROKEN TIMBERS... DUKE ... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force -- is tending the light at the end of the tunnel. HIGHER STILL -- DUKE ALONE IN THE ROOM -- AN ISOLATED BOX SURROUNDED BY THE TWISTED METAL AND RUBBLE AND SMASHED NEON SIGNS OF THE DEAD CITY -- A BLASTED LANDSCAPE WITHOUT LIGHT -- SHARDS OF A CIVILIZATION. 108. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - DAY A BURNING FLARED-OUT SUN. The camera pans down to DUKE DRIVING THE WRECKED WHALE. A piece of the fence flies out of the back seat as he takes a bump. DUKE (V/O) There was only one road back to L.A. US Interstate 15, just a flat-out high speed burn through Baker and Barstow and Berdoo, then on to the Hollywood Freeway straight into frantic oblivion: safety, obscurity, just another freak in the Freak Kingdom. DUKE sees THE HARDWARE BARN, A RUSTIC OLD FARM BUILDING facing the road with a single gas pump outside and a neon sign that flashes beer. DUKE Ahhh. Wonderful. DUKE PULLS OFF THE ROAD and parks. Gets out and walks in. INT. HARDWARE BARN - BAKER, CALIFORNIA - DAY DUKE enters the DARK, CLUTTERED INTERIOR. Scattered all about the store are BITS OF AMERICANA... OLD BARRELS, WAGON WHEELS, WOODEN YOKES. A STUFFED HORSE HANGS FROM THE RAFTERS. The sunlight shafts through high windows. AN OLD MAN is repairing an iron pot-bellied stove near the wooden bar. A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING... ONLY REAL. PROPRIETOR What'll you have? DUKE can't quite believe this place -- too good to be true. DUKE (doubtfully) Ballantine Ale...? THE PROPRIETOR serves the ale up ice cold. DUKE SMILES AND RELAXES. DUKE Hard to find it served like this anymore. As he drinks, DUKE toys with a rack of key chains -- LITTLE AMERICAN ICONS... A REMINGTON COWBOY, A BUGS BUNNY, A TWEETY PIE, BETTY BOOP, A BASEBALL PLAYER. The logo on the rack reads: AMERICAN DREAM KEY RINGS. 109. PROPRIETOR Where ya comin' from, young man? DUKE Las Vegas. PROPRIETOR A great town, that Vegas. I bet you had good luck there. You're the type. DUKE I know. I'm a triple Scorpio. PROPRIETOR (trustingly) That's a fine combination. You can't lose. A LOVELY GIRL appears. Seeing DUKE, she smiles. CAN THIS REALLY BE HIS LUCKY DAY? She approaches him... and... KISSES THE PROPRIETOR. DUKE (caught off guard... muttering) Oh, my God!... PROPRIETOR (not understanding) This is my granddaughter... DUKE (recovering) Don't worry... (leans forward in confidence) ... and I'm actually the District Attorney from Ignoto County. (winks) Just another good American like yourself. A MOMENT. THE PROPRIETOR'S SMILE DISAPPEARS. Wordlessly the PROPRIETOR and his GRANDDAUGHTER go to the back of the store -- GET ON WITH THEIR WORK -- IGNORING DUKE. WHO FEELS ASHAMED. DUKE puts some money down on the bar and SLOWLY LEAVES. EXT. HARDWARE BARN - DAY A CHASTENED DUKE approaches the vomit streaked WHITE WHALE. Gets in -- sits there -- deflated -- miserable... 110. A state bus draws up across from the Hardware Barn. Somberly, DUKE watches as TWO YOUNG MARINES with duffel bags step off -- chatting like TRUE BROTHERS... DUKE switches on the ignition. Something rolls off the trembling dash... DUKE catches it... ONE SINGLE BEAUTIFUL AMYL CAPSULE... DUKE CRACKS THE AMYL -- INHALES. THE RUSH MAKES HIM GASP -- TEETH BARED LIKE A MADMAN. DUKE HOLY SHIT!!! DUKE GUNS THE ENGINE with a laugh -- leans out -- YELLS AT THE MARINES. DUKE GOD'S MERCY ON YOU SWINE! DUKE ROARS AWAY. AN AMERICAN FLAG FLIES UP FROM THE DEBRIS IN THE BACK SEAT, MADLY UNFURLING ITSELF AS IT SNAGS ON THE CONVERTIBLE-TOP FRAME OF THE TRASHED WHITE WHALE! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! The TWO MARINES look after him CONFUSED. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY DUKE drives fast -- TEETH GRITTED IN FROZEN ECSTASY!! DUKE CRANKS UP THE TAPE RECORDER. DUKE (V/O) My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger... a man on the move... and just sick enough to be totally confident. The WHITE WHALE WIPES THE SCREEN BLACK. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ENDFEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS by Terry Gilliam & Toy Grisoni BLACK SCREEN A desert wind moans sadly. From somewhere within the wind comes the tinkly, syrupy-sweet sounds of the Lennon Sisters singing "My Favorite Things." A series of sepia images of anti-war protests from the mid-sixties appear one after another on the screen. In the violently scrawled style of Ralph Steadman, the title FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS splashes onto the screen. A beat, and then it runs down and off revealing: TITLE: "He who makes a beast of himself Gets rid of the pain Of being a man." Dr. Johnson The VOICE OF HUNTER S. THOMPSON -- a.k.a. RAOUL DUKE: DUKE (V/O) We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! A red Chevy convertible -- THE RED SHARK -- wipes the black screen. EXT. ON THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THE RED SHARK races down the desert highway at a hundred miles an hour. THE STONES' "Sympathy For the Devil" blares. AT THE WHEEL STRANGELY STILL AND TENSE, RAOUL DUKE DRIVES -- SKELETAL, BEER IN HAND -- STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD. BESIDE HIM, FACE TURNED TO THE SUN, EYES CLOSED BEHIND WRAPAROUND SPANISH SUNGLASSES, IS HIS SWARTHY AND UNNERVINGLY UNPREDICTABLE ATTORNEY, DR. GONZO. The music pounds DUKE stares straight ahead. GONZO froths up a can of beer - uses it as shaving foam. DUKE (V/O) I remember saying something like: "I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive..." GONZO starts shaving. 2. DUKE (V/O) Suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car... Close on DUKE -- shadows flutter across his face. The reflections of bats swirl within his eyes. We push in close to one eye ball -- SCREECHING SWIRLING BAT-LIKE SHAPES! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DUKE (V/O) ... and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals? CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR - DUKE, eyes rigid, flails at the air. No bats anywhere. GONZO casually looks over... GONZO What are you yelling about? DUCK SCREECHES to the side of the road. The sudden wrench makes GONZO nick his face with his razor. DUKE Never mind. It's your turn to drive. DUKE (V/O) No point mentioning these bats. I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. DUKE hops out of the car, keeping an eye out for bats, frantically opens the trunk to reveal what looks like A MOBILE POLICE NARCOTICS LAB. DUKE desperately rifles through the impressive stash. DUKE (V/O) We had two bags of grass, seventy- five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi- colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. 3. DUKE, eyes darting madly as he hears what sounds like the SHRIEKS OF BATS returning, grabs an assortment along with another six-pack of beer - slams the trunk shut and dives back into the car. DUKE (V/O) Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. THE RED SHARK RACES INTO THE DISTANCE... on the ground, weakly flapping is a SEMI-SQUASHED, SLOWLY DYING ANIMAL... A BAT? EXT. FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY IN THE RED SHARK GONZO grips the wheel - stares maniacally down the road - a lousy driver. DUKE (V/O) The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. The radio news wars with "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL" on a tape recorder. RADIO NEWS An overdose of heroin was listed as the official cause of death for pretty 19 year old Diane Hanby whose body was found stuffed in a refrigerator last week... GONZO changes the station - "ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE, SWEET JESUS, ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE" vies with "SYMPATHY"... He sings along - washes a couple of pills back with a new beer. The RED SHARK fishtails. GONZO "One toke over the line, sweet Jesus." 4. DUKE (muttering to himself) One toke. You poor fool. Wait till you see those goddamn bats. UP AHEAD - AT THE SIDE OF THE DESERTED ROAD A LONE HITCHHIKER spots them, jumps up and sticks out a thumb. The RED SHARK roars past. Then, fifty yards down the road... GONZO Let's give that boy a lift. GONZO wrenches the wheel - THE RED SHARK swerves to the side of the road. DUKE We can't stop here - this is bat country! GONZO JAMS THE CAR INTO REVERSE AND ROCKETS BACKWARDS. The HITCHHIKER races to the car. A poor OKIE KID with a big grin. HITCHHIKER Hot damn! I never rode in a convertible before! Then the big grin freezes on the OKIE KID's face at the sight of: DUKE and GONZO looking out at him with HYPER- NORMAL, shit-eating SMILES. DUKE Is that right? Well, I guess you're about ready, eh? The HITCHHIKER hesitates. GONZO We're your friends. We're not like the others. DUKE (hissing sharply) No more of that talk or I'll put the leeches on you. DUKE turns back to the HITCHHIKER - smiles reassuringly. EXT. EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY The HITCHHIKER sits nervously in the back seat as the RED SHARK screams down the road. 5. GONZO sings along to the tape player. The HITCHHIKER's eyes go to the door - considers jumping out and taking his chances. DUKE, sweating bullets, STARES AT THE HITCHHIKER in the rear view mirror. DUKE (V/O) How long could we maintain, I wondered. How long before one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family. The HITCHHIKER's eyes notice a thin line of blood trickling down GONZO's neck. DUKE (V/O) Would he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? DUKE's mouth moves intermittently - sometimes in sync with the words, sometimes not. DUKE (V/O) If so - well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere. Because it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency, and they'll run us down like dogs... DUKE (out loud to himself) Jesus! Did I say that? DUKE (V/O) Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me? GONZO (reassuringly to HITCHHIKER) It's okay. He's admiring the shape of your skull. DUKE gives the HITCHHIKER a FINE BIG GRIN and the HITCHHIKER giggles nervously. 6. DUKE (V/O) Maybe I better have a chat with this boy I thought. Perhaps if I explain things, he'll rest easy... DUKE (roaring over the road noise) THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD PROBABLY UNDERSTAND -- The HITCHHIKER stares at him, not blinking. DUKE (yells) CAN YOU HEAR ME? The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- terrified. DUKE climbs into the back seat. DUKE That's good. Because I want you to have all the background. This is a very ominous assignment -- with overtones of extreme personal danger. I'm a Doctor of Journalism! This is important, goddamnit! This is a true story!... (WHACKS the BACK OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT with his fist) The CAR SWERVES SICKENINGLY, then straightens out. GONZO (screams) Keep your hands off my fucking neck! The HITCHHIKER makes a sudden lunge for freedom. DUKE GRABS HIM BACK DOWN. DUKE (V/O) Our vibrations were getting nasty -- but why? Was there no communication in this car? Had we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts? The HITCHHIKER STRUGGLES IN PANIC. 7. DUKE (to HITCHHIKER) I want you to understand that this man at the wheel is my attorney! He's not just some dingbat I found on the Strip. He's a foreigner. I think he's probably Samoan. But it doesn't matter, does it? Are you prejudiced? HITCHHIKER Hell, no! DUKE I didn't think so. Because in spite of his race, this man is extremely valuable to me. Hell, I forgot all about this beer. You want one? (HITCHHIKER shakes his head) How about some ether? HITCHHIKER What? DUKE Never mind. Let's get right to the heart of this thing. Twenty-four hours ago we were sitting in the Pogo Lounge of the Beverly Wills Hotel... INT. THE BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL POGO LOUNGE 1971 - DAY A uniformed DWARF, carries a shockingly PINK TELEPHONE through the glittering, tranquil POGO LOUNGE CROWD. They are the ELOI. HENDRIX AFROS and DROOPING MUSTACHES and BELL BOTTOMS and LOVE BEADS and BELLS. ACTRESSES sip Singapore Slings and PROMOTERS sip ACTRESSES in this MONIED, SANITISED VERSION OF THE GREAT REVOLUTION YEARS. DUKE (V/O) ... in the patio section, of course, drinking Singapore Slings with mescal on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of Our Lord, 1971. The DWARF reaches DUKE -- T-shirt, levis, sneakers and shades. GONZO -- white rayon bellbottoms and a khaki tank top undershirt. They are in the middle of a serious conversation. 8. DUKE I'm telling you, the Salazar story is getting too complicated. The weasels have started closing in. The DWARF sneers. DWARF Perhaps this is the call you've been waiting for all this time, sir... DUKE lifts the receiver -- listens... DUKE Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... DUKE hangs up the PHONE with the DEAD-PAN EXPRESSION OF A MOVIE SPY. DWARF That was headquarters. They want me to go to Las Vegas at once and make contact with a Portuguese photographer named Lacerda. He'll have the details. All I have to do is check into my sound proof suite and he'll seek me out. GONZO, says nothing for a moment, then POUNDS the table! GONZO God hell! I think I see the pattern! This one sounds like real trouble! You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney I must advise you that you'll need a very fast car with no top and after that, the cocaine. And then the tape recorder, for special music, and some Acapulco shirts... (GONZO tucks his khaki undershirt into his white bellbottoms -- he means business!) This blows my weekend, because naturally I'll have to go with you -- and we'll have to arm ourselves. 9. DUKE Why not? If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing right. DUKE and GONZO are up and off. The DWARF chases after them with the (very large) check in his hand. They sweep out through the Lounge door, unaware of it swinging back into the face of the pursuing DWARF. DUKE I tell you, my man. This is the American Dream in action! We'd be fools not to ride this strange torpedo all the way to the end. GONZO Indeed. We must do it. What kind of story is this? EXT. BEVERLY WILLS HOTEL - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY DUKE and GONZO emerge. DUKE The Mint 400! The richest off-road race for motorcycles and dune- buggies in the history of organized sport! (handing parking ticket to Valet) -- a fantastic spectacle in honor of some fatback grossero who owns the luxurious Mint Hotel in the heart of downtown Vegas... at least that's what the press release says. Their car arrives -- rusted out, smashed door panels. They jump in. DUKE We're going to have to drum it up on our own. Pure Gonzo Journalism. And they're off in a cloud of black exhaust as the nose- bleeding DWARF stumbles out with the unpaid bill in his hand. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY The PINTO races through shot. DUKE (V/O) Getting hold of the drugs and shirts had been no problem... 10. EXT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY The PINTO skids to a halt outside Polynesian bar, the back window full of Hawaiian shirts. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) ... but the car and tape recorder were not easy things to round up at 6:30 on a Friday afternoon in Hollywood. INT. POLYNESIAN BAR - DAY TORN YELLOW PAGES with dealer's ads ticked off lie in a pile as GONZO yells into a PAYPHONE. DUKE carries over four Singapore Slings. GONZO O.K., O.K., yes. Hang onto it. We'll be there in thirty minutes. (to DUKE -- hand over the PHONE) I finally located a car with adequate horsepower and the proper coloring. (into PHONE) What?! OF COURSE the gentleman has a major credit card! Do you realize who the fuck you're talking to? DUKE Don't take any guff from these swine. (GONZO slams the phone down) Now we need a sound store with the finest equipment. Nothing dinky. One of those new Belgian Heliowatts with a voice-activated shotgun mike, for picking up conversations in oncoming cars. GONZO We won't make the nut unless we have unlimited credit. DUKE We will. You Samoans are all the same. You have no faith in the essential decency of the white man's culture. 11. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DUSK The PINTO races down street. DUKE (V/O) The store was closed, but the salesman said he would wait, if we hurried... EXT. SUNSET BLVD - TRAFFIC JAM - DUSK They're stuck in a traffic jam -- clouds of exhaust. DUKE BANGS ON THE HORN IN FURY. DUKE (V/O) But we were delayed en route when a Stingray in front of us killed a pedestrain. Directly in front of them: BLOODY CARNAGE -- a covered corpse is loaded into an ambulance by PARAMEDICS. EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT DUKE (V/O) We had trouble, again, at the car rental agency. Behind the wheel of the RED SHARK: DUKE grins with satisfaction -- checking it out. A nervous AGENT holds out a clipboard. DUKE signs without looking at the rental papers. AGENT Say... uh... you fellas are going to be careful with this car, aren't you? DUKE Of course. DUKE throws the car into reverse -- roars backwards past the gas pumps to where GONZO is unloading their rusted out car. AGENT Well, good god! You just backed over that two foot concrete abutment and you didn't even slow down! Forty-five in reverse! And you barely missed the pump! DUKE No harm done. I always test the transmission that way. The rear end. For stress factors. 12. GONZO transfers boxes of new sound equipment and a large box of rum and ice into the RED SHARK. AGENT Say. Are you fellows drinking? DUKE Not me. We're responsible people. He JAMS the car into LOW GEAR and lurches into traffic. The AGENT runs into the street and helplessly watches them go. GONZO There's another worrier. He's probably all cranked up on speed. EXT. RUNDOWN BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT STRANGE AND MAGICAL. In the moonlight: the silhouetted figures of DUKE and GONZO as they pack the RED SHARK. DUKE (V/O) We spent the rest of that night rounding up materials and packing the car. Then we ate some mescaline and went swimming. The surf crashes in the distance... EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - NIGHT DUKE cries out as he dives into the ocean. He lets himself float up through the silvery bubbles... DUKE AND GONZO FLOAT BEATIFICALLY IN THE GLOWING, SHIMMERING MOONLIT SURF. DUKE (V/O) Our trip was different. It was to be a classic affirmation of everything right and true in the national character; a gross, physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country. But only for those with true grit... EXT. AND EVEN FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY DUKE's intense face. DUKE ...and we're chock full of that! 13. GONZO Damn right! DUKE My attorney understands this concept, despite his racial handicap. But do you?! The HITCHHIKER nods -- giggles -- petrified. DUKE (V/O) He said he understood, but I could see in his eyes that he didn't. He was lying to me. GONZO My heart! GONZO clutches his heart. The car veers off the road and screeches to a halt. He slumps over the wheel. GONZO (CONT'D) Where's the medicine? DUKE The medicine? Yes, it's right here. DUKE spills out 4 AMYL CAPSULES from a tin. DUKE Don't worry, this man has a bad heart... Angina Pectoris. But we have a cure for it. DUKE and GONZO break 2 AMYLS apiece -- INHALE DEEPLY. GONZO falls back on the seat, staring straight up at the sun. The HITCHHIKER looks petrified. GONZO (suddenly flailing his naked arms at the sky) Turn up the fucking music! My heart feels like an alligator! Volume! Clarity! Bass! We must have bass! What's wrong with us? Are you goddamn old ladies? DUKE (turns up music to full volume) You scurvy shyster bastard! Watch your language! You're talking to a Doctor of Journalism! 14. GONZO (laughing uncontrollably) What the fuck are we doing out here? Somebody call the police! We need help! DUKE (to HITCHHIKER) Pay no attention to this swine. He can't handle the medicine. (he begins laughing) GONZO (to the HITCHHIKER) The truth is we're going to Vegas to croak a scag baron named Savage Henry. I've known him for years but he ripped us off -- and you know what that means, right? GONZO pulls out a .357 Magnum -- waves it around. GONZO (CONT'D) Savage Henry has cashed his check! We're going to rip his lungs out! DUKE And eat them! That bastard won't get away with this! What's going on in this country when a scum sucker like that can get away with sandbagging a Doctor of Journalism? GONZO cracks ANOTHER AMYL. The HITCHHIKER SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE CAR, DOWN THE TRUNK LID, AND FLEES. HITCHHIKER Thanks for the ride. Thanks a lot. I like you guys. Don't worry about me. DUKE (yells) Wait a minute! Come back and have a beer! The HITCHHIKER RUNS from car. 15. GONZO Good riddance. That boy made me nervous. Did you see his eyes? (laughing) Jesus, this is good medicine. DUKE glances back at the running HITCHHIKER. DUKE (suddenly clambering into the front seat) Move over!! We have to get out of California before that kid finds a cop! DUKE GUNS THE RED SHARK -- TAKES OFF DOWN THE ROAD... EXT. UNBELIEVABLY FAR DOWN THE ROAD TO LAS VEGAS - DAY THE RED SHARK races -- DUKE at the wheel -- straight ahead driving. DUKE (V/O) It was absolutely imperative that we get to the Mint Hotel before the deadline for press registration. Otherwise, we might have to pay for our suite. GONZO wrestles with a shaker of COCAINE. The top comes off and the powder swirls away on the wind. GONZO Oh, Jesus! Did you see what god just did to us? DUKE God didn't do that! You did it! You're a fucking narcotics agent, that was our cocaine, you pig! GONZO (waving his .357 Magnum at Duke) You better be careful. Plenty of vultures out here. They'll pick your bones clean before morning. DUKE You whore! GONZO tears up a BLOTTER OF ACID. 16. GONZO Here -- chew this. It's your half of the acid. DUKE takes his half -- chews it. DUKE How long do I have? GONZO Maybe thirty more minutes. As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed. It'll be a goddamn miracle if we can get there before you turn into a wild animal. Are you ready for that? Checking into a Vegas hotel under a phony name with intent to commit capital fraud and a head full of acid. DUKE (V/O) Thirty minutes. It was going to be very close. The RED SHARK screams along the highway past a billboard: "DON'T GAMBLE WITH MARIJUANA! \ IN NEVADA: POSSESSION - 20 YEARS; SALE - LIFE!!" EXT. LAS VEGAS MINT HOTEL - DUSK The RED SHARK pulls up outside the MINT. A great banner spanning the street announces the MINT 400. DUKE can feel the drug surging up inside him. Clutching a buckled beer can, sweat pouring, he stares fixedly at the TICKET the ATTENDANT gives him. DUKE I need this, right? ATTENDANT I'll remember your face. DUKE stares -- losing it... DUKE (V/O) There is no way of explaining the terror I felt. INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY DUKE waits in line at the front desk -- RIGID WITH PENT UP ENERGY. GONZO's ahead of him -- muscling in -- trying to queue jump and failing. 17. DUKE (V/O) I was pouring sweat. My blood is too thick for Nevada. I've never been able to properly explain myself in this climate. A COUPLE move off and DUKE jerks forward -- stops -- eyes fixed on the stony FEMALE RESERVATIONS CLERK. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Be quiet, be calm... name, rank, and press affiliation, nothing else... DUKE moves ANOTHER RIGID STEP CLOSER to the desk -- the tension almost snapping him in two. GONZO's FLAPPING AROUND -- absolutely no success. Something catches DUKE's eye... He REMAINS ROOTED -- his eyes turning to the VEGETAL PAISLEY PATTERNS ON THE CARPET WHICH ARE SHIFTING -- UNDULATING. THE CARPET PATTERNS ARE INEXORABLY CREEPING UP THE WALLS... DUKE (V/O CONT'D) ...ignore this terrible drug, pretend it's not happening... The LAST PEOPLE leave -- with A FINAL, STIFF MOVE, DUKE comes face to face with the RESERVATIONS CLERK... AND EXPLODES! DUKE HI THERE. MY NAME... AH, RAOUL DUKE... ON... ON THAT LIST, THAT'S FOR SURE. FREE LUNCH, FINAL WISDOM, TOTAL COVERAGE... WHY NOT? I HAVE MY ATTORNEY WITH ME, AND I REALIZE OF COURSE... As DUKE stares at her, BABBLING, her FACE BEGINS TO MORPH. He tries to stop it happening by TALKING FASTER. DUKE ... THAT HIS NAME IS NOT ON THE LIST, BUT WE MUST HAVE THAT SUITE. YES. JUST CHECK THE LIST AND YOU'LL SEE. DON'T WORRY. WHAT'S THE SCORE HERE? WHAT'S NEXT? DUKE sags -- grips the desk -- WHITE KNUCKLES. 18. RESERVATIONS CLERK (hands him an envelope) Your suite's not ready yet. But there's somebody looking for you. Her face is CHANGING -- SWELLING -- PULSING... DUKE (shouts) NO! WHY? WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET! The FACE OF THE RESERVATIONS CLERK TURNS GREEN & GROWS FANGS. DEADLY POISON! DUKE LUNGES BACK at GONZO, who GRIPS his arm intensely -- REACHES OUT to take the ENVELOPE. GONZO I can handle this. This man has a bad heart, but I have plenty of medicine. My name is Dr. Gonzo. Prepare our suite at once. We'll be in the bar. GONZO manoeuvres DUKE away from the desk. DUKE looks back -- the RESERVATIONS CLERKS is now a MORAY EEL -- green jowls and fangs. INT. NAUTICAL BAR - DAY The bar -- OILY PEOPLE -- quiet music -- nautical theme. DUKE and GONZO at the bar, a marlin spike hanging on the wall behind them. DUKE has turned to stone... GONZO (to the bartender) Two Cuba Libres with beer and mescal on the side. (opens the envelope) Who's Lacerda, he's waiting for us in a room on the twelfth floor? DUKE Lacerda? DUKE (V/O) I couldn't remember. The name rang a bell, but I couldn't concentrate. Terrible things were happening all around us... DUKE is staring -- RAPT -- TERRIFIED. BLOOD FLOWS FREELY onto the floor. DUKE keeps his voice low. 19. DUKE Order some golf shoes. Otherwise, we'll never get out of this place alive. It's impossible to walk in this muck -- no footing at all... DUKE looks up -- GONZO has disappeared. DUKE looks around him -- the entire room has TRANSFORMED into a ROOM FILLED WITH REPTILES IN CLOTHES, DRINKING AND GNAWING AT ONE ANOTHER. DUKE (V/O) I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo. And somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things! It won't be long before they tear us to shreds! GONZO IS SUDDENLY BACK -- AT DUKE'S SHOULDER. GONZO If you think we're in trouble now wait until you see what's happening in the elevators. GONZO removes his sunshades and we see he's been crying... as he speaks he seems to be floating. Duke struggles to keep him in his line of vision. GONZO I just went upstairs to see this man Lacerda. I told him I knew what he was up to... (GONZO rallies -- turns fierce) He says he's a photographer! But when I mentioned Savage Henry he freaked! He knows we're onto him! DUKE But what about our room? And the golf shoes? A GROUP OF REPTILES AT A TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM stares at them, BLOOD DRIPPING FROM THEIR FANGS. DUKE (CONT'D) (grabbing GONZO trying to hold him still) Holy shit! Look at that bunch over there! They've spotted us! 20. Cut to wider shot -- DUKE is holding on to a man standing next to him at the bar. The room has returned to normality. GONZO is sitting in his original position. GONZO (downs his drink -- gets up) That's the press table. Where you have to sign in for our credentials. Shit, let's get it over with. You handle that, and I'll check on the room. DUKE No, no. Don't leave me! Black screen. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DUSK A TELEVISION shows the NIGHTLY NEWS. A BUDDHIST MONK, protesting the war, sets himself on fire. A very nervous BELL BOY is laying out GONZO's order. A marlin spike is on the floor next to DUKE. BELL BOY Four club sandwiches, four shrimp cocktails. DUKE There's a big... machine in the sky... some kind of electric snake... DUKE is curled by the window -- MESMERIZED by an unseen neon sign outside the window. His eyes fill with a million colored lights. BELL BOY ... a quart of rum... DUKE ... coming straight at us. GONZO Shoot it. DUKE Not yet. I want to study its habits. BELL BOY ... and nine fresh grapefruit. 21. GONZO Vitamin C. We'll need all we can get. GONZO sees the BELL BOY out the door -- turns and lays into DUKE. GONZO Look, you've got to stop this talk about snakes and leeches and lizards and that stuff. It's making me sick! DUKE stares -- hears the drone of B52 BOMBERS... On TV: The LAOS INVASION -- A SERIES OF HORRIFYING DISASTERS -- EXPLOSIONS AND TWISTED WRECKAGE. Newsreel footage of MAI LAI MASSACRE and the LIEUTENANT CALLEY court-martial. DUKE What are you talking about? GONZO You bastard! They'll never let us back in that place. I leave you alone for three minutes and you start waving that goddamn marlin spike around -- yelling about reptiles! You scared the shit out of those people! They were ready to call the cops. Hell, the only reason they gave us press passes was to get you out of there... A knock at the door. DUKE and GONZO break out in a sweat. DUKE Oh my God! Who's that?! GONZO STICKS HIS GUN IN HIS WAISTBAND -- opens the door to LACERDA -- BOUNCING WITH PUPPY DOG ENTHUSIASM. GONZO stares at a man he instantly hates -- watches him with deep suspicion. LACERDA Duke? I'm Lacerda your photographer. Got your press passes? Good, good. Too bad you missed the bikes checking in. My, what a sight! DUKE watches the B-52S DROP THEIR BOMB LOADS. 22. Looking down to the thick, patterned carpet, DUKE sees the BOMBS EXPLODE like vicious flowers. DUKE looks up: LACERDA is a war photographer -- bruised, filthy and blood spattered. LACERDA approaches him -- talking a foreign language. LACERDA Husquavarnas. Yamahas. Kawaskis. Maicos. Pursang. Swedish Fireballs. Couple of Triumphs, here and there a CZ. All very fast. What a race it's gonna be. DUKE screws up his eyes -- WILLS NORMALITY BACK. LACERDA is now just a keen photographer.L LACERDA Well, we start at dawn. Get a good night's sleep. I know I will. And with a cheerful wave, he's gone. DUKE is in shock. DUKE (weakly) That's good... GONZO I think he's lying to us. I could see it in his eyes. DUKE (even weaker) They'll probably have a big net for us when we show up. DUKE's attention returns to the devastation on the TV... GONZO Turn that shit off! GONZO kills the TV. Black screen. DUKE (V/O) Never lose sight of the primary responsibility. Cover the story. But what was the story? Nobody had bothered to say. 23. EXT. DESERT - DAWN Against A BIG ORANGE SUN, on a concrete slab, MEN FIRE SHOTGUNS into the dawn sky. Clay pigeons shatter. The Mint Gun Club. Next to them, MOTORCYCLES REV -- preparing for the MINT 400 RACE: A hundred BIKERS, MECHANICS and assorted MOTORSPORT TYPES milling around in the pit area; taping headlights, topping off oil in the forks, last minute bolt tightening. DUKE wanders through. DUKE (V/O) The racers were ready at dawn. Very tense. But the race didn't start until nine so we had three long hours to kill. A sign by a long trestle table: "KOFFEE & DONUTS." DUKE walks past -- ignoring the SMILING LADY behind the stall. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Those of us who had been up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts. We wanted strong drink. We were, after all, the Absolute Cream of the National Sporting Press and we were gathered here, in Las Vegas, for a very special assignment. And when it comes to things like this you don't fool around. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY A real pit of iniquity. Slot Machines. Crap tables. Smoke. Drunken shouting. The absolute cream of the NATIONAL SPORTING PRESS. DUKE is at the bar, engaged in drunken conversation with a LIFE REPORTER...showing him his notebook. DUKE See..."Kill the body and the head will die"... the Frazier/Ali fight... MAGAZINE REPORTER A proper end to the 60's... Ali beaten by a human hamburger! DUKE And both Kennedy's murdered by mutants. 24. A SHOUT goes up from outside. The sound of engines revving. REPORTER That's it! They're starting! In a sudden rush the PRESS CROWD make for the door taking DUKE with them. EXT. DESERT - DAY MOTORCYCLES REV -- tension builds... A flag goes down. The CROWD cheers. The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY. A great cloud of dust goes up -- obscuring the RACERS as they disappear into the desert... A moment... REPORTER Well, that's that. They'll be back in an hour or so. Let's go back to the bar. The CROWD turns and streams back into the tent. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY DUKE heads for the bar along with the REST. It's packed. Drinks are ordered. A shout from outside the tent goes up: VOICE OFF Group 2! The CROWD rushes for the door. DUKE gets swept along. EXT. DESERT - DAY MOTORCYCLES REV. A flag goes down. The CROWD cheers. The MOTORCYCLES ROAR AWAY. Another great cloud of dust goes up... The CROWD head back for the bar. INT. RACE BAR TENT - DAY The CROWD surge back to the bar. VOICE OFF Group 3! This time DUKE fights his way free of the CROWD. 25. DUKE (V/O) There was something like 190 more bikes waiting to start. They were due to go off 10 at a time every 2 minutes. DUKE hits the bar. DUKE Beer! A middle-aged HOODLUM in a T-shirt booms up to the bar. HOODLUM God damn! What day is this -- Saturday? DUKE More like Sunday. HOODLUM Hah! That's a bitch, ain't it? Last night I was home in Long Beach and somebody said they were runnin' the Mint 400 today, so I says to my old lady, "Man, I'm goin'." So she gives me a lot of crap about it, so I start slappin' her around, and the next thing you know two guys I never seen before are beating me stupid. VOICE OFF Group 4! Outside, another batch of motorcycles roar away -- kicking up more clouds of dust. HOODLUM Then they gave me ten bucks, put me on a bus, and when I woke up here I was in downtown Vegas, and for a minute all I could think was, "O Jesus, who's divorcing me this time?" But then I remembered, by God! I was here for the Mint 400. And, man, I tell you, it's wonderful to be here. Just wonderful to be here with you people. A silence. A MAGAZINE REPORTER lunges across the bar -- grabs the BARTENDER. 26. MAGAZINE REPORTER Senzaman wassyneeds! DUKE (smacks the bar with his palm) Hell yes! Bring us ten! VOICE OFF Group 5! MAGAZINE REPORTER (screams) I'll back it! (slides off his stool to the floor) Outside, motorcycles roar away. The dust cloud billows into the tent -- getting denser. MAGAZINE REPORTER (CONT'D) (on the floor) This is a magic moment in sport! It may never come again! I once did the Triple Crown, but it was nothing like this. A FROG-EYED WOMAN claws at the MAGAZINE REPORTER, tries to haul him up. FROG-EYED WOMAN Please stand up! You're a correspondent for a major national magazine who's name we can't get clearance for! Please! You'd be a very handsome man if you'd just stand up! MAGAZINE REPORTER Listen, madam. I'm damn near intolerably handsome down here where I am. You'd go crazy if I stood up! A feverishly eager LACERDA appears out of the dust cloud, 3 cameras slung round his neck. LACERDA Club soda, please. FROG-EYED WOMAN (to MAGAZINE REPORTER) Please! I love Life! 27. LACERDA (to DUKE) Man, it's great out there! DUKE Lunatics. LACERDA grins. VOICE OFF Group 6! LACERDA Meet you outside! LACERDA downs his drink -- hurries out through the crowd and out into the cloud of dust. EXT. DESERT - DAY Nothing. Except for a THICK CLOUD OF DUST. Barely visible, a motorcycle comes speeding into the pits. The RIDER staggers off his bike. The PIT CREW gas it up and sends it back with a FRESH RIDER. DUKE watches him disappear back into the dust cloud. DUKE (V/O) By 10 they were spread out all over the course. It was no longer a race, now it was an Endurance Contest. The idea of trying to "cover this race" in any conventional press sense was absurd. A HORN HONKS. A shiny BLACK BRONCO with DRIVER. LACERDA hangs out of the window. LACERDA It's great, isn't it?! Jump in! DUKE gets into the Bronco and they head into the DUST CLOUD. EXT. DESERT - DAY IN THE BRONCO. DUKE hangs on with his beer. Nothing all around but the HUGE IMPENETRABLE CLOUD OF DUST. LACERDA snaps madly away at nothing at all! 28. LACERDA I'll just keep trying different combos of film and lenses till I find one that works in this dust! The SOUND OF MOTORCYCLES RACING... We hear music and voices singing: BATTLE HYMN "...As we go marching on When I reach my final campground, in that land beyond the sun, And the Great Commander asks me..." [What did he ask you, Rusty?] "Did you fight or did you run?" A moment later, the Bronco races out of the dust. DUKE coughs, chokes, drinks beer. BATTLE HYMN (continuing) [And what did you tell them, Rusty?] "We responded to their rifle fire with everything we had..." The sound of gun shots... A DUNE BUGGY races toward them, loaded down with THREE RETIRED PETTY OFFICERS, DRUNK AS HELL. The radio blares: "THE BATTLE HYMN OF LIEUTENANT CALLEY." The dune buggy is COVERED WITH OMINOUS SYMBOLS: SCREAMING EAGLES CARRYING AMERICAN FLAGS IN THEIR CLAWS. A slant-eyed Snake being chopped to bits by a buzz-saw made of stars and stripes. A MACHINE GUN MOUNT on the passenger side. They yell over the roaring engines. DUNE BUGGY DRIVER Where's the damn race? DUKE Beats me. We're just good patriotic Americans like yourself. DUKE gives DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A NICE BIG GRIN. In response, the PASSENGER #2 narrows his eyes -- tightens his grip on an automatic weapon. DUNE BUGGY DRIVER (suspiciously) What outfit you fellas with? 29. DUKE The sporting press. We're friendlies. Hired geeks. The DRIVER and DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 exchange looks. DUKE If you want a good chase, you should get after that skunk from CBS News up ahead in the black jeep. He's the man responsible for that book, THE SELLING OF THE PENTAGON. DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #1 HOT DAMN! DUNE BUGGY PASSENGER #2 A black jeep, you say? And they ROAR away. DUKE Take me back to the pits. LACERDA No, no -- we have to go on. We need total coverage. DUKE gets out of the Bronco. DUKE You're fired. After a moment's hesitation, LACERDA and the BRONCO driver roar away leaving DUKE alone in the cloud of dust. DUKE (V/O) It was time. I felt, for an Agonizing Reappraisal of the whole scene. The race was definitely under way. I had witnessed the start; I was sure of that much. But what now? EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT MUSIC PUMPS OUT. CRUISING IN THE RED SHARK IN VEGAS. THE SKY SWIRLS WITH MILLIONS OF NEON LIGHTS CHASING EACH OTHER IN BAROQUE PATTERNS ACROSS GIGANTIC HOTEL SIGNS. PSYCHEDELIC LIGHT SHOWS TO LURE AND DERANGE THE INNOCENT. CITY OF LOST SOULS. 30. DUKE Turn up the radio! Turn up the tape machine! Roll the windows down. Let's taste this cool desert wind! Aaah, yes! This is what it's all about! DUKE, beer in hand, drives -- a big smile for the world. GONZO scans The Vegas Visitor. DUKE (V/O) Total control now. Tooling along the main drag on a Saturday night in Vegas, two good old boys in a fire apple red convertible... stoned, ripped, twisted... Good people! GONZO How about "Nickel Nick's Slot Arcade?" "Hot Slots," that sounds heavy. Twenty-nine cent hotdogs... DUKE Look, what are we doing here? Are we here to entertain ourselves, or to do the job? GONZO To do the job, of course. Here we go... a Crab Louie and quart of muscatel for twenty dollars! The Shark hits a bump. GONZO As your attorney I advise you to drive over to the Tropicana and pick up on Guy Lombardo. He's in the Blue Room with his Royal Canadians. They hit another bump. DUKE Why? GONZO Why what? CUT to wide shot. They are DRIVING AROUND IN CIRCLES in a large casino parking lot, bumping over the dividers. 31. DUKE Why should I pay out my hard-earned dollars to watch a fucking corpse. I don't know about you, but in my line of business it's important to be Hep. EXT. DESERT ROOM HOTEL - NIGHT TWO BIG SCREAMING FACES. DOORMAN #1 What the hell are you doing?! DOORMAN #2 You can't park here! DUKE Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park? Reveal the RED SHARK parked on the sidewalk in front of the Desert Inn. TWO DOORMEN loom over the car hood. The MARQUEE says: TONIGHT. DEBBIE REYNOLDS. GONZO leaps from the car, waving a five-dollar bill at the DOORMAN. GONZO We want this car parked! We drove all the way from L.A. for this show. We're friends of Debbie's. A pause, then... the DOORMAN pockets the bill, hands them a parking stub. DUKE and GONZO hurry into the hotel. INT. DESERT FROM HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO walk through the lobby. Black, mirrored, sleek, classy. DUKE Holy shit! They almost had us there! That was quick thinking. GONZO What do you expect? I'm your attorney. You owe me five bucks. I want it now. DUKE shrugs and hands over the $5. 32. DUKE (V/O) This was Bob Hope's turf. Frank Sinatra's. Spiro Agnew's. It seemed inappropriate to be haggling about nickel/dime bribes for the parking lot attendant. A WINE-COLORED TUXEDO stops them at the entrance to the ballroom. WINE-COLORED TUXEDO Sorry, full house. GONZO Goddamnit, we drove all the way from L.A. WINE-COLORED TUXEDO I said there are no seats left... at any price. GONZO Fuck seats! We're old friends of Debbie's. I used to romp with her. GONZO and the WINE-COLORED TUXEDO get into an ugly arm- waving negotiation. DUKE (V/O) After a lot of bad noise, he let us in for nothing provided we would stand quietly at the back and not smoke. As DUKE and GONZO disappear through the door we can hear the orchestra blasting out a HIGHLY BLANDIZED "SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND." A beat. The door flies open and BOUNCERS manhandle DUKE and GONZO out. Despite the rough treatment they're both SCREECHING WITH LAUGHTER. GONZO Jesus creeping shit! DUKE (tears streaming) Did the mescaline just kick in? Or was that Debbie Reynolds in a silver Afro wig?! 33. GONZO (in hysteria) We wandered into a fucking time capsule! EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - NIGHT DUKE DRIVES FAST into the night. They're both LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. DUKE (in hysteria) We wandered into a fucking time capsule! THEN... GONZO finds a TINY TEAR IN HIS JACKET... GONZO What's this?... GONZO is instantly MOROSE. GONZO That scum... GONZO twists round in the car -- SCREAMS back into the night. GONZO SCUM! I know where you live! I'll find you and burn down your fucking house! EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS - NIGHT A hundred foot high neon clown: BAZOOKO CIRCUS. The RED SHARK pulls up beneath the sign. DUKE This is the place. They'll never fuck with us here. GONZO Where's the ether? This mescaline isn't working. EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT Into the GLARING, CHASING LIGHTS of the entrance canopy steps DUKE in EC/U holding a KLEENEX SOAKED IN ETHER TO HIS NOSE. 34. DUKE (V/O) Ah, devil ether. It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel... total loss of all basic motor skills; blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue -- (throws away kleenex) The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column. Which is interesting, because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it. DUKE and GONZO approach the entrance with elaborate care- taking one step at a time -- trying to keep ahead of the drug. DUKE (V/O) You approach the turnstiles and know that when you get there, you have to give the man two dollars or he won't let you inside... but when you get there, everything goes wrong. THE ETHER KICKS IN: DUKE and GONZO BOUNCE off the walls, CRASH into OLD LADIES, GIGGLE HELPLESSLY as they try to pay -- HANDS FLAPPING CRAZILY, unable to get money out of their pockets. DUKE (V/O) Some angry Rotarian shoves you and you think: What's happening here? What's going on? Then you hear yourself mumbling. DUKE (mumbling) Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine. Watch out!... Why money? My name is Brinks; I was born... Born? GONZO Get sheep over side... women and children to armored car... orders from Captain Zeep. The ATTENDANTS indulgently escort them through the TURNSTILES. 35. DUKE (V/O) Ether is the perfect drug for Las Vegas. In this town they love a drunk. Fresh meat. So they put us through the turnstiles and turned us loose inside. INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT Flames shoot up from below the casino. Above, a HIGH WIRE ACT with FOUR MUZZLED WOLVERINES, SIX NYMPHET SISTERS FROM SAN DIEGO, TWO SILVER PAINTED POLACK BROTHERS, and THREE KOREAN KITTENS. The WOLVERINE chases a NYMPHET through the air. TWO POLACKS swing at it from opposite sides and they are instantly locked in a death battle. All plummet to the nets suspended over the GAMBLING TABLES and SLOT MACHINES. No one looks up. The GAMBLERS REMAIN INTENT ON THE SPINNING ROULETTE WHEEL, THE TURN OF THE CARD, THE ROLL OF A DICE. DUKE (V/O) Bazooko Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. This was the Sixth Reich. Something causes DUKE to look down. A dwarf carrying drinks on a tray is tugging DUKE's pants leg trying to get him to move out of the way. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) A drug person can learn to cope with things like seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth but, nobody should be asked to handle this trip. GONZO and DUKE go upstairs walking past funhouse booths. One of them is manned by an orangutan in costume. A FAIRGROUND BARKER grabs DUKE. FAIRGROUND BARKER Stand in front of this fantastic machine, my friend. For just 99 cents your likeness will appear 200 hundred feet tall on a screen above downtown Las Vegas. On a TV monitor a 200 FOOT HIGH DRUNKARD looms over the Las Vegas skyline screaming OBSCENITIES. 36. FAIRGROUND BARKER 99 cents more for a voice message. Say whatever you want, fella. They'll hear you, don't worry about that. Remember, you'll be 200 feet tall! ANOTHER BARKER Step right up! Shoot the pasties off the nipples of this ten-foot bull-dyke and win a cotton candy goat! INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO sit on the revolving platform. GONZO stares -- glassy eyed -- coming apart. GONZO I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting The Fear. DUKE Nonsense. We came here to find the American Dream, and now we're right in the vortex you want to quit. You must realize that we've found the Main Nerve. GONZO That's what gives me The Fear. DUKE Look over there. Two women fucking a Polar Bear. GONZO Please, don't tell me those things... Not now. (signals the waitress for two Wild Turkeys) This is my last drink. How much money can you lend me? DUKE Not much. Why? GONZO I have to go. DUKE GO? 37. GONZO Yes. Leave the country. Tonight. DUKE Calm down. You'll be straight in a few hours. GONZO No. This is serious. One more hour in this town and I'll kill somebody! DUKE OK. I'll lend you some money. Let's go outside and see how much we have left. GONZO Can we make it? DUKE That depends on how many people we fuck with between here and the door. GONZO I want to leave fast. DUKE OK. Lets pay this bill and get up very slowly. It's going to be a long walk. (signals waitress who comes over) GONZO (suddenly to waitress) Do they pay you to screw that bear? WAITRESS What? DUKE He's just kidding. (to GONZO) Come on, Doc -- lets go downstairs and gamble. GONZO trembles with fear -- walks to the edge of the turntable. GONZO When does this thing stop? 38. DUKE It won't stop. It's not ever going to stop. DUKE carefully steps off the turntable. GONZO, eyes staring blindly ahead, squiting in fear and confusion, rooted to the spot, is carried away. DUKE Don't move you'll come around. DUKE reaches out to grab GONZO, who jumps back -- keeps going around. The BARTENDER narrows his eyes at them. DUKE steps onto the merry-go-round -- hurries round the bar -- approaching GONZO from the blind side and shoves GONZO from behind. GONZO goes down with a hellish scream. DUKE approaches him with his hands in the air. Smiling. DUKE You fell. Let's go. GONZO refuses to move and stands tense, fists clenched, looking for somebody to hit...an old woman perhaps? DUKE (CONT'D) OK. You stay here and go to jail. I'm leaving. DUKE walks fast towards the stairs. GONZO catches up with him. GONZO Did you see that? Some sonofabitch kicked me in the back. DUKE Probably the bartender. He wanted to stomp you for what you said to the waitress. GONZO Good God! Let's get out of here! Where's the elevator? DUKE (turning him in the opposite direction) Don't go near that elevator. That's just what they want us to do... trap us in a steel box and take us down to the basement. 39. EXT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS CASINO - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO stumble out of the entrance. DUKE Don't run. They'd like any excuse to shoot us. GONZO (in an extended fall) You drive! I think there's something wrong with me. INT. MINT HOTEL CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THEIR SUITE - NIGHT DUKE AND GONZO RUN MADLY DOWN THE CORRIDOR... DUKE TAKING CARE NOT TO STEP ON THE PATTERNED PART OF THE CARPET. GONZO STRUGGLES with the key in the lock. GONZO Those bastards have changed the lock on us. They probably searched the room. Jesus, we're finished! The door SUDDENLY SWINGS OPEN. DUKE AND GONZO fall inside. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT GONZO Bolt everything! Use all chains! DUKE locks the door. The suite is crowded with ROOM SERVICE GOODIES. DUKE turns to see GONZO staring at two hotel room keys. EVERYTHING STOPS. GONZO Where did this one come from? DUKE snatches a key. DUKE That's Lacerda's room. GONZO smiles a slow smile... GONZO Yeah... I thought we might need it... DUKE What for? GONZO snatches the key back. 40. GONZO Let's go up there and blast him out of bed with the fire hose. DUKE No, we should leave the poor bastard alone. I get the feeling that he's avoiding us for some reason. GONZO Don't kid yourself. That Portuguese son of a bitch is dangerous. He's watching us like a hawk. DUKE He told me he was turning in early... GONZO utters an anguished cry -- slaps the wall with both hands. GONZO That dirty bastard! I knew it! He's got hold of my woman! DUKE (laughing) That little blonde groupie with the film crew? You think he sodomized her? GONZO That's right, laugh about it! You goddamn honkies are all the same! GONZO SLASHES A GRAPEFRUIT with a HUGE RAZOR SHARP HUNTING KNIFE. DUKE blanches. DUKE Where'd you get that knife? GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- MANIACAL. GONZO Room service sent it up. I wanted something to cut the limes. GONZO SLICES THE GRAPEFRUIT -- INTO EIGHTHS! DUKE What limes? GONZO SLICES -- SIXTEENTHS! 41. GONZO They didn't have any. They don't grow in the desert. SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO That dirty toad bastard! I knew I should have taken him out when I had the chance. Now he has her. SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO SLASHES INSANELY! DUKE watches -- straight-faced. DUKE (V/O) I remember the girl. We'd had a problem with her in the elevator a few hours earlier: my attention had made a fool of himself. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (FLASHBACK) An elevator door opens to reveal the SMILING FACES OF LACERDA, THE BLONDE TV REPORTER AND HER CREW. DUKE and GONZO stagger in. LACERDA drops his smile. He's standing beside the BLONDE TV REPORTER. A trembling GONZO moonily turns his eyes onto her. BLONDE TV REPORTER (to Gonzo) You must be a rider. What class are you in? GONZO Class? What the fuck do you mean? BLONDE TV REPORTER What do you ride? We're filming the race for a TV series -- maybe we can use you. GONZO Use me? DUKE (V/O) Mother of God, I thought. Here it comes. GONZO is TREMBLING BADLY. There's a moment of uncomfortable silence. 42. GONZO (suddenly shouting) I ride the BIG ONES! The really BIG fuckers! GONZO shows his teeth to LACERDA. DUKE laughs trying to defuse the scene. DUKE The Vincent Black Shadow. We're with the Factory Team. TV CAMERAMAN Bullshit. GONZO stills -- becomes dangerous -- zeros in on the TV CAMERAMAN -- groin to groin... GONZO Wait a minute, pardon me lady, but I think there's some kind of ignorant chicken-sucker in this car who needs his face cut open. You cheap honky faggots! Which one of you wants to get cut?! DEAD SILENCE. Ding! The elevator door opens, but nobody moves. The door closes. Next floor. Ding! The door opens again. A middle-aged couple start to get in. Change their minds. The door closes. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY DUKE and GONZO run down the corridor. GONZO LAUGHS WILDLY. GONZO Spooked! They were spooked! Like rats in a death cage! INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE and GONZO CRASH into their hotel suite -- BOLT THE DOOR. GONZO stops laughing. GONZO Goddamn. It's serious now. That girl understood. She fell in love with me. END FLASHBACK. 43. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT SLICE! SLICE! SLICE! GONZO with the BIG HUNTING KNIFE -- sliced grapefruit segments everywhere. GONZO Let's go up there and castrate that fucker! GONZO pauses -- A MAD THOUGHT -- turns to DUKE. GONZO (squinting suspiciously) Have you made a deal with him? Did you put him on to her? DUKE (backing slowly towards the door) Look you better put that blade away and get your head straight. I have to put the car in the lot. DUKE (V/O) One of the things you learn, after years of dealing with drug people, is that you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it's waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eyes. INT. CASINO/LOBBY MINT HOTEL The MAGAZINE REPORTER is on the telephone. MAGAZINE REPORTER Las Vegas at dawn. The racers are still asleep, the dust is still on the desert, fifty thousand dollars in prize money, slumbers darkly in the office safe at Del Webb's fabulous Mint Hotel... DUKE walks past the REPORTER -- into THE CASINO, THE SAD, MEAGRE CROWDS AROUND THE CRAP TABLES. No joy. DUKE watches. DUKE (V/O) Who are these people? These faces! Where do they come from? They look like caricatures of used car dealers from Dallas. (MORE) 44. DUKE (V/O; CONT'D) And, sweet Jesus, there are a hell of a lot of them at four-thirty on a Monday morning. Still humping the American dream, that vision of the big winner somehow emerging from the last minute predawn chaos of a stale Vegas casino. DUKE stops at the Money Wheel, puts down a two dollar bill on a number, the wheel turns, he loses. DUKE You bastards! DUKE (V/O) No. Calm down. Learn to ENJOY losing. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE walks back into the room. We hear the LOUD STRAINS OF THREE DOG NIGHT'S "JOY TO THE WORLD." He walks to the bathroom and opens the door. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE BATHROOM - NIGHT Submerged in green water, GONZO WALLOWS in the steaming tub. Soap labels and grapefruit rinds float on the surface. A large empty pack of Neutrogena soap lies on the floor. The shower is on -- the tub overflowing. THE TAPE RECORDER PLAYS, from where it's plugged into the razor socket over the sink. DUKE turns off the shower -- notices a HUGE HUNK OF CHEWED UP WHITE BLOTTER. DUKE You ate ALL THIS ACID? No answer. DUKE (turning down the volume) You evil son of a bitch. You better hope there's some Thorazine in that bag, because if there's not, you're in bad trouble. GONZO Music! Turn it up. Put that tape on. 45. DUKE What tape? GONZO Jefferson Airplane. "White Rabbit." I want a rising sound. DUKE You're doomed. I'm leaving here in two hours and then they're going to come up here and beat the mortal shit out of you with big saps. Right there in that tub. GONZO I dig my own graves. Green water and the White Rabbit. Put it on. DUKE OK. But do me one last favor, will you. Can you give me two hours? That's all I ask -- just two hours to sleep before tomorrow. I suspect it's going to be a very difficult day. He switches on the tape. "WHITE RABBIT" begins to build. GONZO (coolly) Of course, I'm your attorney, I'll give you all the time you need, at my normal rates: $45 an hour -- but you'll be wanting a cushion, so, why don't you just lay one of those $100 bills down there beside the radio, and fuck off? DUKE How about a check? GONZO Whatever's right. DUKE moves the radio as far from the tub as he can and leaves, closing the door behind him. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE goes across to the sofa and crashes -- exhausted. Suddenly a great ripping and crashing noise in the bathroom. GONZO (V/O) Help! You bastard! I need help! 46. DUKE JUMPS up -- crosses to the bathroom door, muttering. DUKE Shit, he's killing himself! INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT DUKE RUSHES IN. GONZO flails -- trying to reach the radio with the shower curtain pole which he has ripped from its mounts. GONZO (snarling) I want that fucking radio! DUKE GRABS THE RADIO. DUKE Don't touch it! Get back in that tub! GONZO Back the tape up. I need it again! Let it roll! Just as high as the fucker can go! And when it comes to that fantastic note where the rabbit bites its own head off, I want you to THROW THAT FUCKING RADIO INTO THE TUB WITH ME! DUKE stares down at GONZO. DUKE Not me. It would blast you through the wall -- stone dead in ten seconds and they'd make me explain it! GONZO BULLSHIT! Don't make me use this. HIS ARM LASHES OUT OF THE WATER, HOLDING THE KNIFE. DUKE Jesus. GONZO Do it! I want to get HIGHER! DUKE considers this. He's had enough. 47. DUKE Okay. You're right. This is probably the only solution. (holds the PLUGGED IN TAPE/RADIO over the tub) Let me make sure I have it all lined up. You want me to throw this thing into the tub when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks. Is that it? GONZO falls back into the water, smiling gratefully. GONZO Fuck yes. I was beginning to think I was going to have to go out and get one of the goddamn maids to do it. DUKE Are you ready? He switches "WHITE RABBIT" back on. GONZO HOWLS AND MOANS AND THRASHES TO THE MUSIC, straining to get over the top. Meanwhile, DUKE picks up a grapefruit from the sink -- a good two-pounder, he gets a grip on it... and when "WHITE RABBIT" peaks... HE HURLS IT INTO THE TUB LIKE A CANNONBALL. GONZO SCREAMS CRAZILY, THRASHING AND CHURNING -- CAUSING A TIDAL WAVE. DUKE JERKS THE RADIO CABLE OUT OF THE SOCKET -- SLAMS OUT OF THE BATHROOM. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE slumps onto the sofa. SILENCE. GONZO RIPS OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR, his eyes unfocused. HE WAVES THE RAZOR SHARP BLADE out in front of him -- LUNGES at DUKE. DUKE WHIPS OUT A CAN OF MACE. DUKE MACE! YOU WANT THIS? GONZO stops -- hisses. GONZO You bastard! You'd do that, wouldn't you? 48. DUKE (laughs) Why worry? You'll like it. Nothing in the world like a Mace high. Forty-five minutes on your knees with the dry heaves... GONZO You cheap honky sonofabitch... DUKE Why not? Hell, just a minute ago, you were asking me to kill you! And now you want to kill me! What I should do, goddamnit, is call the police! GONZO The cops? DUKE There's no choice. I wouldn't dare go to sleep with you wandering around with a head full of acid and wanting to slice me up with that goddamn knife! GONZO (mumbles) Who said anything about slicing you up? I just wanted to carve a little Z on your forehead. Nothing serious. GONZO shrugs and reaches for a cigarette on top of the TV set. DUKE (menaces him with the MACE) Get back in that tub. Eat some reds and try to calm down. Smoke some grass, shoot some smack -- shit, do whatever you have to do, but let me get some rest. GONZO turns toward the bathroom -- suddenly sad. GONZO Hell, yes. You really need some sleep. You have to work. Goddamn. What a bummer. Try to rest. Don't let me keep you up. 49. GONZO shuffles back into the bathroom. DUKE wedges a chair up against the bathroom doorknob and puts the mace can next to the clock. DUKE turns on the TV. WHITE NOISE FILLS THE ROOM. He collapses onto the sofa and lights up his lightbulb as pipe. DUKE (V/O) Ignore the nightmare in the bathroom. Just another ugly refugee from the Love Generation. The WHITE NOISE snow storm on the TV is reflected in his face. The camera pulls back revealing THE ENTIRE WALL BEHIND HIM TO BE SWIRLING WITH THE FIZZING SNOWSTORM PATTERN. DUKE (V/O) My attorney had never been able to accept the notion -- often espoused by former drug abusers -- that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. And neither have I, for that matter. The pattern on the wall changes to A 60'S VISCOUS OIL LIGHTSHOW PATTERN. With DUKE still sitting in the foreground, the projected image widens to reveal the interior of A HAIGHT ASHBURY DANCE HALL full of DANCING PROTO-HIPPIES. INT. MATRIX CLUB - NIGHT A slightly YOUNGER DUKE moves through the throng. All the action is in a DREAMLIKE SLOW-MOTION. DUKE (V/O) I recall one night in the Matrix. There I was -- a victim of the Drug Explosion. A natural street freak, just eating whatever came by. A ROAD-PERSON with a big pack on his back is shouting. The sound of his voice, like his movements, is in slow-motion. ROAD-PERSON Anybody want some L...S...D...? I got all the makin's right here. All I need is a place to cook. The camera pushes right into the ROAD-PERSON's mouth. INT. MATRIX MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Still in slow motion, the YOUNGER DUKE is trying to eat a HUGE SPANSULE OF ACID. With difficulty. 50. DUKE (V/O) I decided to eat only half at first. Good thinking. But I spilled the rest on the sleeve of my red Pendleton shirt. DUKE stares at his sleeve, uncertain what to do. C/U of the door to the men's room as a MUSICIAN enters speaking in slow-motion. MUSICIAN What's the trouble? DUKE (also in slow-motion) Well, all this white stuff on my sleeve is LSD. The MUSICIAN approaches and looks down at DUKE'S arm. A long pause. Cut back to tight shot of door as it opens and a very clean- cut, PREPPY, STOCKBROKER TYPE enters. He freezes in horror. We cut to his POV. DUKE is standing in the middle of the men's room with the MUSICIAN hunkered down at his side... sucking on his sleeve. A very gross tableau. The STOCKBROKER slowly eases out of the room. DUKE (V/O) With a bit of luck his life was ruined -- forever thinking that just behind some narrow door in all his favorite bars, men in red Pendleton shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know. INT. A BAR - YEARS LATER - NIGHT The STOCKBROKER LOOKING CONSIDERABLY OLDER sits looking lost, confused, a nervous wreck. The image flares out in a TV white noise snowstorm. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE sits staring at the TV. 51. DUKE (V/O) Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. (he gets up, pours himself a drink) Has it been five years? Six? It seems like a lifetime -- the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant. DUKE throws open the curtains. Light streams in. EXT. 1965 STOCK FOOTAGE We are in SAN FRANCISCO. IMAGES OF THE TIME FLOOD IN. DUKE (V/O) THERE WAS MADNESS IN ANY DIRECTION, AT ANY HOUR... YOU COULD STRIKE SPARKS ANYWHERE. THERE WAS A FANTASTIC UNIVERSAL SENSE THAT WHATEVER WE WERE DOING WAS RIGHT, THAT WE WERE WINNING. AND THAT, I THINK, WAS THE HANDLE -- THAT SENSE OF INEVITABLE VICTORY OVER THE FORCES OF OLD AND EVIL. NOT IN ANY MEAN OR MILITARY SENSE; WE DIDN'T NEED THAT. OUR ENERGY WOULD SIMPLY prevail. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave... DUKE'S FACE IS SUFFUSED WITH A SADNESS AND SERENITY WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. DUKE (V/O) So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high water mark -- that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. 52. The memories dissolve into the night skyline of Vegas. Suddenly towering over the casinos is a 200 foot high Nazi shouting "WOODSTOCK ÜBER ALLES!" INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE closes the curtain. The room is in darkness again. INT. MINT HOTEL SUITE - DAWN A harsh door buzzer. DUKE jerks awake. Alone. Looking like shit. Around him is the wreckage of their stay. DUKE (V/O) The decision to flee came suddenly. Or maybe not. DUKE opens the door to a BELL BOY with a trolley load of fruit, drinks and flowers... and a smile. BELL BOY Room service! The BELL BOY wheels the trolley across the room -- already stacked with EVEN MORE BOXES OF GOODIES. DUKE (V/O) Maybe I'd planned it all along -- subconsciously waiting for the right moment. The bill was a factor, I think. Because I had no money to pay for it. DUKE slams the door -- starts FRANTICALLY PACKING. DUKE (V/O) Our room service tabs had been running somewhere between $29 and $36 per hour, for forty-eight consecutive hours. Incredible. How could it happen? DUKE sees the DISCARDED WRAPPINGS OF EXPENSIVE, HAND TOOLED LUGGAGE. A sudden thought. He rushes to GONZO's room -- empty. His plastic briefcase remains on the bed... DUKE (V/O) But by the time I asked this question, there was no one around to answer. DUKE opens the briefcase -- finds the .357 MAGNUM inside. 53. DUKE (V/O) My attorney was gone. He must have sensed trouble. QUICK CUT TO: EXT. LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - DAY GONZO WAVES GOODBYE as he boards an airplane with a set of brand-new fine cowhide luggage. DUKE (V/O) Panic. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE emerges with his bag and Gonzo's plastic briefcase -- leaves the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door -- checks both ways, then hurries away down the corridor. DUKE (V/O) It crept up my spine like first rising vibes of an acid frenzy. All these horrible realities began to dawn on me. INT. MINT HOTEL ELEVATOR - DAY An anxiety ridden DUKE watches the floor numbers as the elevator descends. He searches his pockets... DUKE (V/O) Here I was, alone in Las Vegas, with this goddamned incredibly expensive car, completely twisted on drugs, no cash, no story for the magazine. And on top of everything else I had a gigantic goddamn hotel bill to deal with. DUKE finds a last crumpled $5 bill. The door opens. A SECURITY GUARD enters with an OLD LADY IN HANDCUFFS. DUKE hides the bill -- crams back into the corner. Doors close. DUKE (V/O) I didn't even know who had won the race. Maybe nobody. 54. INT. MINT HOTEL LOBBY - DAY DUKE hurries out of the elevator -- eyes on a hovering MANAGER. Past the curious look of the reception CLERK. DUKE (muttering to himself) How would Horatio Alger have handled this situation? EXT. MINT HOTEL - DAY Motoring, DUKE gives his $5 bill to the HOTEL FRONT DOORMAN with a smile. The DOORMAN blows a frantic whistle and waves at the CAR BOY. DUKE (V/O) Stay calm. Stay calm. I'm a relatively respectable citizen -- a multiple felon, perhaps, but certainly not dangerous. The CAR BOY pulls up with a screech. DUKE jumps in. The back seat is stacked with bars of Neutrogena, piles of Mint 400 t-shirts, boxes of grapefruit. DUKE (V/O CONT'D) Luckily, I had taken the soap and grapefruit and other luggage out to the car a few hours earlier. Now it was only a matter of slipping the noose... DUKE shifts into drive. Deliverance! CLERK'S VOICE MR. DUKE! DUKE freezes. CLERK'S VOICE Mr. Duke! We've been looking for you! DUKE (V/O) The game was up! They had me. DUKE (to himself) Well, why not? Many fine books have been written in prison. 55. Resigned, DUKE turns off the ignition. A young CLERK arrives breathlessly with a smile and a YELLOW LETTER IN HIS HAND. CLERK Sir? (thrusts out a TELEGRAM) This telegram came for you. Actually, it isn't for you. It's for somebody named Thompson, but it says 'care of Raoul Duke'. does that make sense? DUKE (barely able to speak) Yes... It makes sense. DUKE stuffs the telegram into his top pocket. The CLERK peers into the car -- sees part of the enormous stash inside. CLERK I checked the register for this man Thompson. We don't show him but I figured he might be part of your team. DUKE He is. Don't worry, I'll get it to him. He fires up the engine -- eases the RED SHARK into low gear. SECURITY GUARDS are looking across -- sharing a quiet word or two. CLERK What confused us was Dr. Gonzo's signature on the telegram from Los Angeles. When we knew he was right here in the hotel. DUKE You did the right thing. Never try to understand a press message. About half the time we use codes -- especially with Dr. Gonzo. CLERK Tell me. When will the doctor be awake? 56. DUKE (tenses) Awake? What do you mean? DUKE's eyes are on the SECURITY GUARDS -- moving closer. CLERK (uncomfortably) Well... the manager, Mr. Heem, would like to meet him. Nothing unusual. Mr. Heem likes to meet all our large accounts... put them on a personal basis... just a chat and a handshake, you understand. DUKE Of course. But if I were you, I'd leave the Doctor alone until after he's eaten breakfast. He's a very crude man. DUKE edges the car forward, but is stopped by the CLERK. CLERK But he will be available? Perhaps later this morning? DUKE Look. That telegram was all scrambled. It was actually from Thompson, not to him. Western Union must have gotten the names reversed. I have to get going. I have to get out to the track. CLERK There's no hurry! The race is over! DUKE (taking off) Not for me. He waves the CLERK off the car -- roars away. CLERK Let's have lunch! DUKE Righto! EXT. ROAD OUT OF VEGAS - DAY DUKE drives the RED SHARK out of Vegas. 57. A "YOU ARE LEAVING LAS VEGAS" sign flashes past. Bob Dylan plays: "Memphis Blues Again -- "Aaww, Mama, can this really by the end...?" A sign: LOS ANGELES -- 400 miles. DUKE (V/O) Jesus, bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing -- intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out! The weasels were closing in. I could smell the ugly brutes. Flee! DUKE drives fast. DUKE Do me one last favor Lord: just give me five more high-speed hours before you bring the hammer down; just let me get rid of this goddamn car and off of this horrible desert. A sign flashes "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE." A patrol car pulls out behind him, lights flashing. DUKE (CONT'D) You evil bastard! This is your work! You'd better take care of me, Lord... because if you don't you're going to have me on your hands. The patrol car screams after the RED SHARK. DUKE (V/O) Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a Highway Traffic Cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. DUKE floors the gas pedal. DUKE (V/O) It arouses contempt in the cop heart. THE SPEEDOMETER CLIMBS STEADILY. 58. DUKE (V/O) Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you're about to turn right. DUKE signals right. The RED SHARK screams at 120 mph. DUKE (V/O) This is to let him know you're looking for a proper place to pull off and talk. AN EXIT OFF RAMP: MAX SPEED 25. DUKE hits the brakes. The COP brakes. DUKE (V/O) It will take him a moment to realize that he is about to make 180 degree turn at speed... but you will be ready for it, braced for the G's and the fast heel toe work. The patrol car spins and fishtails crazily out of control. EXT. SCENIC PICNIC AREA - DAY The patrol car comes skidding around the corner. DUKE stands beside the RED SHARK, completely relaxed and smiling. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN gets out of the car, screaming. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Just what the FUCK did you think you were doing?! DUKE smiles. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN May I see your license. DUKE Of course, officer. DUKE reaches for it. And BOTH MEN look down at a beer can -- which DUKE had, somehow, forgotten was in his hand. DUKE (V/O) I knew I was fucked. The COP relaxes -- actually smiles... He reaches out for DUKE's wallet, then holds out his other hand for the beer. 59. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Could I have that, please? DUKE Why not? It was getting warm anyway. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN takes it, pours out the beer -- glances in the back seat of the RED SHARK. Amongst the bars of soap... A case of warm beer. DUKE smiles back at him. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You realize... DUKE Yeah. I know. I'm guilty. I understand that. I knew it was a crime but I did it anyway. Shit, why argue? I'm a fucking criminal. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN That's a strange attitude. He looks at DUKE thoughtfully. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN You know -- I get the feeling you could use a nap. There's a rest area up ahead. Why don't you pull over and sleep a few hours? DUKE A nap won't help. I've been awake for too long -- three or four nights. I can't even remember. If I go to sleep now, I'm dead for twenty hours. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN smiles. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Okay. Here's how it is. What goes into my book, as of noon, is that I apprehended you... for driving too fast, and advised you to proceed no further than the next rest area... your stated destination, right? Where you plan to take a long nap. Do I make myself clear? DUKE How far is Baker? I was hoping to stop there for lunch. 60. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Not my jurisdiction. The city limits are two point two miles beyond the rest area. Can you make it that far? DUKE I'll try. I've been wanting to go to Baker for a long time. I've heard a lot about it. The PATROLMAN holds the door for DUKE who gets in. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN Excellent seafood. With a mind like yours, you'll probably want to try the land-crab. Try the Majestic Diner. The PATROLMAN slams the door shut. EXT. DESERT ROAD - DAY DUKE drives away -- teeth gritted. DUKE (V/O) I felt raped. The Pig had done me on all fronts, and now he was going off to chuckle about it -- on the west side of town, waiting for me to make a run for L.A. DUKE drives past the rest area to an intersection where he signals to turn right into Baker. As he approaches the turn he sees the HITCHHIKER! As DUKE slows to make the turn their eyes meet. DUKE is about to wave -- but the HITCHHIKER drops his thumb. DUKE Great Jesus, it's him. DUKE, spooked, SPINS THE RED SHARK round -- ROARS BACK THE WAY HE CAME. EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE on the public phone booth -- screaming. DUKE They've nailed me! I'm trapped in some stinking desert crossroads called Baker. I don't have much time. The fuckers are closing in. They'll hunt me down like a beast! 61. INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO sits surrounded by legal papers and law books. Mexican Day of the Dead masks hang from the walls -- flame-red demons. GONZO Who? You sound a little paranoid. EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE screams -- sweat pouring. DUKE You bastard! I need a lawyer immediately! INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO What are you doing in Baker? Didn't you get my telegram? EXT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE What? Fuck telegrams. I'm in trouble. You worthless bastard. I'll cripple your ass for this! All that shit in the car is yours! You understand that? When I finish testifying out here you'll be disbarred! INT. GONZO'S OFFICE - DAY GONZO You're supposed to be in Vegas. We have a suite at the Flamingo. I was just about to leave for the airport. INT. BAKER TRUCK STOP - DAY DUKE pulls out the telegram from his top pocket. GONZO'S VOICE You brainless scumbag! You're supposed to be covering the National District Attorney's conference! I made all the reservations... rented a white Cadillac convertible... the whole thing is arranged! What the hell are you doing out there in the middle of the fucking desert? 62. DUKE stares at the telegram. DUKE Never mind. It's all a big joke. I'm actually sitting beside the pool at the Flamingo. I'm talking from a portable phone. Some dwarf brought it out from the casino. I have total credit! Can you grasp that? (shouts) Don't come anywhere near this place! Foreigners aren't welcome here! DUKE, breathing heavily, hangs up phone. EXT. DESERT - DAY C/U of .357 Magnum cylinder being spun. DUKE (V/O) Well. This is how the world works. C/U An IGUANA basks in the sun. DUKE (V/O) All energy flows according to the whims of the Great Magnet. C/U Barrel of the gun. It fires. An explosion of desert dirt. DUKE (V/O) What a fool I was to defy Him. The IGUANA sits unfazed. DUKE (V/O) Never cross the Great Magnet. I understood this now... (another blast from the gun) ... and with understanding came a sense of almost terminal relief. DUKE stands alone in the vast desert firing at nothing, the thuds of the explosions echo away. EXT. ROAD INTO VEGAS - DAY The RED SHARK driving back towards Las Vegas. 63. DUKE (V/O) I had to get rid of The Shark. Too many people might recognize it... ...especially the Vegas Police. (tight C/U of DUKE) Luckily, my credit card was still technically valid. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: DUKE, now driving a white Cadillac Coupe de Ville -- THE WHITE WHALE. DUKE pushes buttons -- lowers the top. DUKE (V/O) This was a superior machine -- ten grand worth of gimmicks and high price special effects. The rear windows leapt up with a touch like frogs in a dynamited pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand. EXT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - AFTERNOON A GIANT SIGN: THE FLAMINGO WELCOMES THE NATIONAL DA'S CONFERENCE ON NARCOTICS & DANGEROUS DRUGS. DUKE (V/O) If the Pigs were gathering in Vegas, I felt the Drug Culture should be represented as well... and there was a certain bent appeal in the notion of running a savage burn on one Las Vegas hotel and then just wheeling across town and checking into another. The WHITE WHALE turns into a VIP parking slot, immediately attended by impressed MINIONS. DUKE (V/O) Me and a thousand ranking cops from all over America. Why not? Move confidently into their midst. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL LOBBY - AFTERNOON DUKE enters -- old Levis, grubby sneakers, 10 peso Acapulco shirt coming apart at the seams, 3 day growth, eyes hidden behind mirror shades. He heads for the check-in line. 64. DUKE (V/O) My arrival was badly timed. THE PLACE IS FULL OF COPS. 200 of them, on vacation, all dressed in cut price Vegas casuals: plaid Bermuda shorts, Arnie Palmer golf shirts, and rubberized beach sandals. Ahead of DUKE -- A POLICE CHIEF argues with the DESK CLERK. The POLICE CHIEF'S AGNEW STYLE WIFE stands to the side, weeping. The POLICE CHIEF'S FRIENDS stand uneasily around. POLICE CHIEF What do you mean I'm too late to register? I'm a police chief. From Michigan. Look, fella, I told you. (waves a POSTCARD) I have a postcard here that says I have reservations in this hotel. CLERK (prissily) I'm sorry, sir. You're on the "late list." Your reservations were transferred to the... ah... Moonlight Motel, which is out on Paradise Boulevard... POLICE CHIEF I've already paid for my goddamn room! CLERK It's actually a very fine place of lodging and only sixteen blocks from here, with its own pool and... POLICE CHIEF You dirty little faggot! Call the manager! I'm tired of listening to this dogshit! FRIENDS restrain the POLICE CHIEF. CLERK (solicitously) I'm so sorry, sir. May I call you a cab? The POLICE CHIEF's screamed insults fade away... DUKE (V/O) Of course, I could hear what the Clerk was really saying... 65. CLERK (IN DUKE'S IMAGINATION) Listen, you fuzzy little shithead -- I've been fucked around, in my time, by a fairly good cross- section of mean-tempered rule-crazy cops and now it's MY turn. "Fuck you, officer, I'm in charge here, and I'm telling you we don't have room for you." DUKE steps to the desk, around the raging POLICE CHIEF. DUKE Say. I hate to interrupt, but I wonder if maybe I could just sort of slide through and get out of your way. Name's Raoul Duke -- Raoul Duke. My attorney made the reservation. DUKE snaps a credit card down onto the counter. EVERYONE goes silent. The POLICE CHIEF GROUP stares at him like he was some kid of water rat crawling up to the desk. The CLERK hits the bell for the BELLBOY. CLERK Certainly, Mr. Duke! DUKE My bags are out there in that white Cadillac convertible. Can you have someone drive it around to the room? ALL EYES turn to the gleaming WHITE WHALE. DUKE Oh, and could I get a quart of Wild Turkey, two fifths of Baccardi, and a night's worth of ice delivered to my room, please? CLERK Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just enjoy your stay. DUKE Well, thank you. DUKE gives the POLICE CHIEF a polite smile -- crosses to the elevator -- turns to face the GAWPING COPS -- pops a can of beer and toasts them. The doors close. 66. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY DUKE rams the key home -- swings the door open. DUKE Ah, home at last! INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - AFTERNOON DUKE enters. The door hits something with a thud. A 16-year-old GIRL with the aura of an angry Pit Bull. GONZO stands in the bathroom doorway -- stark naked with a drug-addled grin on his face. DUKE You degenerate pig! GONZO It can't be helped. This is Lucy. (laughing distractedly) You know--like "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds." LUCY eyes DUKE venomously. GONZO Lucy! Lucy, be cool, goddamnit! Remember what happened at the airport! No more of that, okay? LUCY keeps her eyes on DUKE. GONZO idles over and puts his arm round her shoulder. GONZO Lucy... this is my client. This is Mr. Duke, the famous journalist. He's paying for this suite, Lucy. He's on our side. DUKE flops onto the sofa. GONZO Mr. Duke is my friend. He loves artists. DUKE notices for the first time that the room is full of artwork. Maybe 40 or 50 portraits, some in oil, some in charcoal, all more or less the same size and same face. GONZO Lucy paints portraits of Barbra Streisand. 67. LUCY I drew these from TV. GONZO Fantastic. She came all the way down here from Montana just to give these portraits to Barbra. We're going over to the Americana Hotel tonight to meet her backstage... DUKE's voice rises above GONZO. DUKE (V/O) I desperately needed peace, rest, sanctuary. I hadn't counted on this. Finding my attorney on acid and locked into some kind of preternatural courtship. DUKE Well, I guess they brought the car round by now. LET'S GET THE STUFF OUT OF THE TRUNK. DUKE fixes GONZO hard. GONZO Absolutely, LET'S GET THE STUFF. (to LUCY) Now, we'll be right back. Don't answer the phone if it rings. LUCY (makes one-fingered Jesus freak sign) God bless. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE - DAY DUKE collars GONZO -- serious. DUKE WELL? What are your plans? GONZO Plans? DUKE Lucy. 68. GONZO (struggling to focus) Shit. I met her on the plane and I had all that acid. (he shrugs) You know, those little blue barrels. I gave her a cap before I realized... she's a religious freak... Jesus, she's never even had a drink. DUKE Well... It'll probably work out. We can keep her loaded and peddle her ass at the drug convention. GONZO stares uneasily at DUKE. GONZO Listen, she's running away from home for something like the fifth time in six months. It's terrible. DUKE She's perfect for this gig. These cops will go fifty bucks a head to beat her into submission and then gang fuck her. We can set her up in one of these back street motels, hang pictures of Jesus all over the room, then turn these pigs loose on her... Hell she's strong; she'll hold her own. GONZO's face twitches badly. GONZO Jesus Christ. I knew you were sick but I never expected to hear you actually say that kind of stuff. DUKE It's straight economics. This girl is a god-send. Shit, she can make us a grand a day. GONZO NO! Stop talking like that. DUKE I figure she can do about four at a time. Christ, if we keep her full of acid that's more like two grand a day. Maybe three. 69. GONZO You filthy bastard. I should cave your fucking head in. DUKE In a few hours, she'll probably be sane enough to work herself into a towering Jesus-based rage at the hazy recollection of being seduced by some kind of cruel Samoan who fed her liquor and LSD, dragged her to a Vegas hotel room and savagely penetrated every orifice in her body with his throbbing, uncircumcised member. GONZO starts crying. GONZO NO! I felt sorry for the girl, I wanted to help her! DUKE You'll go straight to the gas chamber. And even if you manage to beat that, they'll send you back to Nevada for Rape and Consensual Sodomy. She's got to go. Pause. GONZO Shit, it doesn't pay to try to help somebody these days. A silence. DUKE (V/O) The only alternative was to take her out to the desert and feed her remains to the lizards. But, it seemed a bit heavy for the thing we were trying to protect: My attorney. GONZO We have to cut her loose. She's got two hundred dollars. And we can always call the cops up there in Montana, where she lives, and turn her in. DUKE What?... What kind of goddamn monster are you? 70. GONZO It just occurred to me, that she has no witnesses. Anything that she says about us is completely worthless. DUKE Us? INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - SUNSET DUKE is speaking into the phone in hushed tones. DUKE Hotel Americana? I need a reservation. For my niece. Listen, I need her treated very gently. She's an artist, and might seem a trifle highstrung... In the background GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings out the door. GONZO Okay, Lucy, it's time to go meet Barbra... DUKE (V/O) I felt like a Nazi, but it had to be done. EXT. ON THE STREETS - A CAB STAND - DUSK The WHITE WHALE pulls up -- DUKE at the wheel. GONZO helps LUCY and her paintings from the car. DUKE (V/O) Lucy was a potentially fatal millstone on both our necks. There was absolutely no choice but to cut her adrift and hope her memory was fucked. GONZO unrolls a couple of bills -- pays off a CAB DRIVER -- waves to LUCY in the back with her paintings. She's starting to come down... GONZO gets back in the WHITE WHALE and slaps his hands together as if washing his hands of the situation. GONZO Well that's that. Take off slowly. Don't attract attention. 71. They pull out into traffic. EXT. LAS VEGAS STREETS - DUSK GONZO I gave the cabbie an extra ten bucks to make sure she gets there safe. Also, I told him I'd be there myself in an hour, and if she wasn't, I'd come back out here and rip his lungs out. DUKE That's good. You can't be subtle in this town. GONZO As your attorney, I advise you to tell me where you put the goddamn mescaline. DUKE Maybe we should take it easy tonight. GONZO Right. Let's find a good seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon. I feel a powerful lust for red salmon... The electric WHITE WHALE heads off down the Strip. The sun's going down behind the scrub hills, a good Kristofferson tune croaks on the radio in the warm dusk. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - BATHROOM - NEXT MORNING GONZO throws up in the toilet bowl. In the background, DUKE opens curtains. Daylight blinds him. DUKE Come on, we're going to be late. GONZO looks up at his sick reflection -- wipes his mouth with a towel. GONZO This goddamn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure? Maybe mix it up with Rolaids or something. 72. INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - DAY EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR (crackling and booming over the lousy sound system) On behalf of the prosecuting attorneys of this county, I welcome you to the Third National DA's Conference on Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. The EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR -- well groomed, GOP businessman type -- speaks from the podium. A banner behind him reads: NATIONAL DA'S CONVENTION 1971. "If You Don't Know, Come To Learn... If You Know, Come To Teach." A BIG MIXED CROWD: TOP LEVEL STRAIGHT COPS, UNDERCOVER NARCS AND OTHER TWILIGHT TYPES -- beards, mustaches and super-Mod dress. Just because you're a cop, doesn't mean you can't be WITH IT! However, for every URBAN-HIPSTER there are around 20 REDNECKS. A dozen big, low-fidelity speakers mounted on steel poles distort and feed back the EXECUTIVE's voice through the room. At the back, under a loudspeaker, sits DUKE -- $40 FBI wingtips, a Pat Boone madras sportcoat, and an official name tag: RAOUL DUKE, PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, L.A. GONZO sits beside him. His name tag: DR. GONZO. EXPERT, CRIMINAL DRUG ANALYSIS. He's nervous -- close to the edge. GONZO (lowers his voice) I saw these bastards in Easy Rider, but I didn't believe they were real. Not like this. Not hundreds of them! DUKE They're actually nice people when you get to know them. GONZO Man, I know these people in my goddamn blood! DUKE Don't mention that word around here. You'll get them excited. GONZO This is a fucking nightmare. 73. DUKE Right. Sure as hell some dope- dealing bomb freak is going to recognize you and put the word out that you're partying with a thousand cops. COP IN BACK SSSSHHH! DR. BLUMQUIST -- a "drug expert" -- takes the stage. DR. BLUMQUIST We must come to terms with the Drug Culture in the country... country... country... The sound systems echoes. DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D) The reefer butt is called a "roach," because it resembles a cockroach... cockroach... cockroach... GONZO (whispers) What the fuck are these people talking about? You'd have to be crazy on acid to think a joint looked like a goddamn cockroach! DUKE (V/O) It was clear that we had stumbled into a prehistoric gathering. DR. BLUMQUIST Now, there are four states of being in the cannabis, or marijuana, society: Cool, Groovy, Hip, and Square. The square is seldom if ever cool. He is not "with it," that is, he doesn't know "what's happening." But if he manages to figure it out, he moves up a notch to "hip." DUKE and GONZO listen in disbelief. DR. BLUMQUIST (CONT'D) And if he can bring himself to approve of what is happening, he becomes "groovy." After that, with much luck and perseverance, he can rise to the rank of "cool." A cool guy... cool guy... cool guy... 74. COP IN BACK Dr. Bloomquist, do you think the anthropologist, Margaret Mead's strange behavior of late might possibly be explained by a private marijuana addiction? DR. BLUMQUIST I really don't know, but at her age, if she did smoke grass, she'd have one hell of a trip! Roars of laughter. GONZO I know a hell of a lot better ways to waste my time than listening to this bullshit. He stands, knocking the ashtray off his chair arm, and plunges down the aisle to the door. COP IN BACK Down in front! GONZO Fuck you! I have to get out! I don't belong here! COP IN BACK Good riddance! He stumbles from the room. DUKE turns his attention back to the stage. The lights go down. A black & white film -- REEFER MADNESS! -- illustrates his now evangelical talk. FILM NARRATOR KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND! YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension... DUKE turns his attention to a 340 pound TEXAN POLICE CHIEF who necks with his 290 pound WIFE beside him. FILM NARRATOR ... and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim... 75. DUKE gazes at the TEXAN and his WIFE. -- Feigning sickness, he gets up, hand over mouth. DUKE Pardon me, I feel sick. FILM NARRATOR He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command -- including yours... DUKE heads for the exit. DUKE Sorry, sick... Beg pardon! Feeling sick... FILM NARRATOR BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time [on him] will usually save nine on you. DUKE CRASHES OUT THROUGH THE DOOR. INT. CASINO BAR - DAY DUKE sees GONZO at the bar -- talking to a SPORTY LOOKING COP about 40 whose name tag identifies him as a DISTRICT ATTORNEY FROM GEORGIA. DA I'm a whiskey man myself. We don't have much trouble from drugs where I come from... GONZO You will. One of these nights you'll wake up and find a junkie tearing your bedroom apart. DA Naw! GONZO They'll climb right into your bedroom and sit on your chest with big Bowie knives. They might even sit on your wife's chest. Put the blade right down on her throat. 76. DA Not down in my parts. DUKE joins them. DUKE (to WAITRESS) Rum and ice, please. DA (looks at DUKE'S NAME TAG) You're another one of these California boys. Your friend here's been tellin' us about dope fiends. DUKE They're everywhere. Nobody's safe. And sure as hell not in the South. They like warm weather... You'd never believe it. In L.A. it's out of control. First it was drugs, now it's witchcraft. DA Witchcraft? Shit, you can't mean it! The BARTENDER cleans his glasses, one ear straining for the conversation. GONZO Read the newspapers. DUKE Man, you don't know trouble until you have to face down a bunch of these addicts gone crazy for human sacrifice! DA Naw! That's science fiction stuff! DUKE Not where we operate. GONZO Hell, in Malibu alone, these goddamn Satan worshippers kill six or eight people every day. All they want is the blood. They'll take people right off the street if they have to. 77. DUKE Just the other day we had a case where they grabbed a girl right out of a McDonald's hamburger stand. She was a waitress, about sixteen years old... with a lot of people watching, too! The BARTENDER keeps cleaning the same glass -- more and more furiously. DA What happened? What did they do to her? GONZO Do? Jesus Christ, man. They chopped her goddamn head off right there in the parking lot! Then they cut all kinds of holes in her head and sucked out the blood! DA (DA ad-libs a summation of the crime) And nobody did anything? DUKE What could they do? The guy that took the head was about six-seven, and maybe three-hundred pounds. He was packing two Lugers, and the others had M-16s. GONZO They just ran back out into Death Valley -- you know, where Manson turned up... DUKE Like big lizards. GONZO ... and every one of them stacked naked... DA Naked!? DUKE Naked. 78. GONZO Yeh, naked!... except for the weapons. DUKE They were all veterans. DA Veterans?!!!? Agog with the horrors of the story, the BARTENDER polishes the glass -- faster and faster... GONZO Yeh. The big guy used to be a major in the Marines. DA A major! GONZO We know where he lives, but we can't get near the house. DA Naw! Not a major. GONZO He wanted the pineal gland. DA Really? GONZO That's how he got so big. When he quit the Marines he was just a little guy. DUKE Usually, it's whole families. During the night. Most of them don't even wake up until they feel their heads going -- and then, of course, it's too late. The glass smashes in the BARTENDER's hand. DUKE (CONT'D) Happens every day. DUKE turns to a WAITRESS with a warm smile. 79. DUKE (CONT'D) Three more rums. Plenty of ice. Maybe a handful of lime chunks. WAITRESS Are you guys with the police convention upstairs? DA We sure are, Miss. WAITRESS I thought so. I never heard that kind of talk around here before. Jesus Christ! How do you guys stand that kind of work? GONZO (grinning) We like it. It's groovy. The WAITRESS stares -- sickened -- at GONZO. DUKE What's wrong with you? Hell, somebody has to do it. GONZO Hurry up with those drinks. We're thirsty. Only two rums. Make mine a Bloody Mary. DA (whacks his fist on the bar) Hell, I really hate to hear this. Because everything that happens in California seems to get down our way, sooner or later. Mostly Atlanta. But that was back when the goddamn bastards were peaceful. All we had to do was to keep 'em under surveillance. They didn't roam around much... But now Jesus, it seems nobody's safe. GONZO (with a conspiratorial nod) You're going to need to take the bull by the horns -- go to the mat with this scum. 80. DA What do you mean by that? GONZO You know what I mean. We've done it before and we can damn well do it again! DUKE Cut their goddamn heads off. Every one of them. That's what we're doing in California. DA (stupefied) WHAT? GONZO Sure. It's all on the Q.T., but everybody who matters is with us all the way down the line. DUKE We keep it quiet. It's not the kind of thing you'd want to talk about upstairs. Not with the press around. DA (recovering slightly) Hell, no. We'd never hear the goddamn end of it. DUKE Dobermans don't talk. DA What? GONZO Sometimes it's easier to just rip out the backstraps. DUKE They'll fight like hell if you try to take the head without the dogs. DA God almighty! (muttering in a daze) I don't think I should tell my wife about this. She'd never understand. You know how women are. 81. DUKE gives the DA a brotherly slap on the back. DUKE Just be thankful your heart is young and strong. DUKE and GONZO leave the stunned DA -- staring into the swirling ice in drink. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY DUKE and GONZO fall into the suite in fits of laughter. GONZO feels the nausea rise suddenly -- heads for the bathroom. Immediate sounds of retching. The phone message light is blinking. DUKE opens a beer, picks up the phone. DUKE What's the message? My light is blinking. CLERK (V/O) Ah, yes. Mr. Duke? You have one message: "Call Lucy at the Americana Hotel, room 1600." DUKE Holy shit! DUKE slams the phone down. GONZO emerges from the bathroom -- looking like death. DUKE Lucy called. GONZO sags visibly -- like an animal taking a bullet. GONZO What? The telephone rings. DUKE answers. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL - RECEPTION - DAY A worried CLERK speaks in to the phone. CLERK Mr. Duke? Hello, Mr. Duke, I'm sorry we were cut off a moment ago... I thought I should call again, because I was wondering... 82. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - DAY DUKE WHAT? (hand over the PHONE) What was that crazy bitch said to him? (screams) There's a war on, man! People are being killed! CLERK (V/O) Killed? DUKE IN VIETNAM! ON THE GODDAMN TELEVISION! CLERK (V/O) Oh... yes... yes... This terrible war. When will it end? DUKE Tell me. What do you want? In the background GONZO is upturning a sofa to retrieve his stash from the lining. CLERK (V/O) The woman who left that message for you sounded very disturbed. I think she was crying... DUKE Crying? Why was she crying? CLERK (V/O) Well, uh. She didn't say Mr. Duke. But since I know you're here with the Police Convention... DUKE Look, you want to be gentle with that woman if she ever calls again. We're watching her very carefully... this woman has been into laudanum. It's a controlled experiment, but I suspect we'll need your cooperation before this thing is over. CLERK (V/O) (hesitantly) Well, certainly... We're always happy to cooperate with the police... 83. DUKE Don't worry. You're protected. Just treat this poor woman like you'd treat any other human being in trouble. CLERK (V/O) What? Ah... yes, yes, I see what you mean... Yes... so, you'll be responsible then? DUKE Of course. And now I have to get back to the news. Send up some ice. He hangs up. GONZO zaps TV channels -- commercials. GONZO Good work. They'll treat us like goddamn lepers after that. DUKE (slowly, carefully) Lucy is looking for you. GONZO (laughing) No, she's looking for you. DUKE Me? GONZO She really flipped over you. The only way I could get rid of her was by saying you were taking me out to the desert for a showdown -- that you wanted me out of the way so you could have her all to yourself. (laughing again) I guess she figures you won. That phone message wasn't for me, was it? A look of stunned realization from DUKE... INT. FANTASY COURT ROOM - DAY LUCY is on the witness stand. LUCY Yessir, those two men in the dock are the ones who gave me the LSD and took me to the hotel. 84. A doomed DUKE and GONZO await their fate. LUCY I don't know for sure what they done to me, but I remember it was horrible. JUDGE Twenty years... and Double Castration! The JUDGE bangs his gavel. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - DAY DUKE is madly stuffing his suitcase. GONZO Wait! You can't leave me alone in this snake pit. This room is in my name. DUKE KEEPS PACKING. GONZO is looking worried. GONZO OK, goddamnit!... Look... I'll call her. I'll get her off our backs. You're right. She's my problem. DUKE It's gone too far. GONZO Relax. Let me handle this. (dials the PHONE, snaps angrily at DUKE) You'd make a piss-poor lawyer. ...Room 1600, please. (to DUKE) As your attorney, I advise you not to worry. (nods towards bathroom) Take a hit out of that little brown bottle in my shaving kit. DUKE goes in the bathroom. He finds a little bottle -- a label: "DRINK ME." DUKE What is this? 85. GONZO You won't need much. Just a little tiny taste, that stuff makes pure mescaline seem like ginger-beer. Adrenochrome. DUKE stares wonderingly at the bottle. DUKE Adrenochrome... GONZO (into PHONE) Hi, Lucy? Yeah, it's me. I got your message...what? Hell, no, I taught the bastard a lesson he'll never forget... what? No, not dead, but he won't be bothering anybody for a while. Yeah. I left him out there, I stomped him, then pulled all his teeth out... DUKE (V/O) I remember thinking, "Jesus, what a terrible thing to lay on somebody with a head full of acid." DUKE dips a match head into the brown bottle -- studies it -- TASTES IT -- NOTHING -- TASTES SOME MORE... GONZO (to PHONE) But here's the problem. That bastard cashed a bad check downstairs and gave you as a reference. They'll be looking for both of you. Yeah, I know, but you can't judge a book by its cover, Lucy. Some people are just basically rotten... Anyway, the last thing you want to do is call this hotel again; they'll trace the call and put you straight behind bars... no, I'm moving to the Tropicana right away. I have to go, they've got the phone tapped. Yeah, I know, it was horrible, but it's all over now... OH MY GOD! THEY'RE KICKING THE DOOR DOWN! (throws the PHONE down; shouts) No! Get away from me! I'm innocent! It was Duke! I swear to God! (MORE) 86. GONZO (CONT'D) (stomps the PHONE; moans) No, I don't know where she is. You'll never catch Lucy! She's gone! I swear, I don't know where she is! DON'T PUT THAT THING ON ME! (slams the PHONE down) GONZO sits back in his chair... watching MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. GONZO Well. That's that. She's probably stuffing herself down the incinerator about now. That's the last we should be hearing from Lucy. (fumbling with the hash pipe) Where's the opium? DUKE stares at the back of GONZO's neck. SOMETHING VERY STRANGE IS HAPPENING TO HIM... DUKE (V/O) I remember slumping on the bed, his performance had given me a bad jolt. For a moment I thought his mind had snapped -- that he actually believed he was being attacked by invisible enemies. But the room was quiet again. DUKE CLUTCHES THE BROWN BOTTLE. DUKE Where'd you get this? GONZO Never mind, it's absolutely pure. DUKE Jesus... what kind of monster client have you picked up this time? There's only one source for this stuff -- the adrenaline gland from a living human body! GONZO turns to smile at DUKE. 87. GONZO I know, but the guy didn't have any cash to pay me. He's one of these Satanism freaks. He offered me human blood -- said it would take me higher than I've ever been in my life. (laughs -- struts round DUKE -- eyes bright with expectation) I thought he was kidding, so I told him I'd just as soon have an ounce or so of pure adrenochrome -- or maybe just a fresh adrenaline gland to chew on. DUKE (V/O) I could already feel the stuff working on me -- the first wave felt like a combination of mescaline and methedrine -- maybe I should take a swim, I thought... DUKE sees that GONZO is TOYING WITH HIS HUNTING KNIFE... GONZO Yeah, they nailed this guy for child molesting. He swore he didn't do it. "Why should I fuck with children?" he says. "They're too small." Christ, werewolf is entitled to legal counsel. I didn't dare turn the creep down. He might have picked up a letter opener and gone after my pineal gland! GONZO JABS WITH THE RAZOR BRIGHT KNIFE. DUKE'S BODY IS GOING RIGID -- HE SPEAKS THROUGH GRITTED TEETH. DUKE Why not? We should get some of that. Just eat a big handful and see what happens. GONZO Some of what? DUKE (spitting words) Extract of pineal! 88. GONZO (STARING AT DUKE WITH A STRANGE SMILE) Sure. That's a good idea. One whiff of that shit would turn you into something out of a goddamn medical encyclopedia. GONZO GROWS HORNS -- HIS FACE BECOMES A MEXICAN DEMON MASK. GONZO Man, your head would swell up like a watermelon, you'd probably gain about a hundred pounds in two hours... A CLOVEN HOOF BURSTS THROUGH GONZO'S SHOE. DUKE Right! GONZO ... grow claws... bleeding warts. GONZO'S CHEST EXPANDS -- BONY RIBS BURSTING HIS SHIRT. DUKE Yes! GONZO ... then you'd notice about six huge hairy tits swelling up on your back... A TAIL LASHES, HOOFS STRIKE THE FLOOR. GONZO TOWERS -- A FLAME RED DEMON! DUKE Fantastic! DUKE is now so wire that his hands are CLAWING UNCONTROLLABLY at the bedspread, JERKING IT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER HIM. His heels are dug into the mattress with both KNEES LOCKED, EYEBALLS SWELLING. GONZO-DEMON LOOMS AGAINST THE CEILING. GONZO you'd go blind... your body would turn to wax... they'd have to put you in a wheelbarrow and... GONZO'S VOICE FADES AWAY -- DUKE'S frenzied gaze reveals GONZO REVERTED TO NORMAL HUMAN SHAPE AND SIZE. 89. GONZO Man I'll try about anything; but I'd never touch a pineal gland. DUKE FINISH THE FUCKING STORY! What happened?! What about the glands? GONZO, a small smile on his lips, backs away warily... towards the TV -- NOW A HUNDRED FEET AWAY IN THE DISTANCE... GONZO Jesus, that stuff got right on top of you, didn't it. VEINS stand out on DUKE's forehead. He is purplish-red. OVER THE TOP! Too late, he realizes he is NEAR DEATH! DUKE Maybe you could just... shove me into the pool, or something... GONZO shakes his head disgustedly. GONZO If I put you in the pool right now, you'd sink like a goddamn stone. You took too much. Jesus, look at your face, you're about to explode. GONZO sits back down... watching the TV. GONZO Don't try and fight it, or you'll get brain bubbles. Strokes, aneurysms. You'll just wither up and die. DUKE FALLS TO THE GROUND, WRITHING, CATATONIC, SINKING INTO PARALYSIS. AND THE SOUND, SUDDENLY AND STRANGELY, OF THE VOICE OF RICHARD NIXON AND HIS DISTORTED FACE ON THE TV SCREEN. NIXON Sacrifice... sacrifice... sacrifice... DUKE PASSES OUT. BLACK SCREEN 90. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT Darkness. Insanely, somewhere NILSSON plays -- "Put the lime in the coconut and mix em all up..." DUKE (V/O) What kind of rat-bastard psychotic would play that song -- right now, at this moment? DUKE opens his eyes and the hotel suite rushes in. He lies, awkwardly twisted -- unable to move. He could have been there days -- months. DUKE (V/O) When I came to the general back alley ambiance of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? Hours? Days? Months? All these signs of violence. What had happened? DUKE moves his eyes -- taking in his surroundings: Like THE SIGHT OF SOME DISASTROUS ZOOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT involving whisky and gorillas. Blue and red Christmas tree lights replace lightbulbs, used towels hanging everywhere, pornographic pictures ripped out of a magazine are plastered on a shattered mirror. DUKE (V/O) There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of drug known to civilized man since 1544 AD. DUKE manages to move -- stiffly gets to his bare feet -- HOBBLES ROUND THE TRASHED ROOM like a newly risen ape. DUKE (V/O) But what kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries? These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau? Maybe so, but then why all this booze? And these crude pornographic photos smeared with mustard that had dried to a hard yellow crust... DUKE peers into Gonzo's room -- HIS BED LIKE A BURNED OUT RAT'S NEST -- blackened springs and wires. 91. DUKE (V/O) These were not the hoof prints of your normal god-fearing junkie. It was too savage, too aggressive. QUICK FLASHBACK: GONZO SMASHES THE TEN FOOT MIRROR WITH A HAMMER: BACK IN THE ROOM: DUKE stares at the smashed mirror. DUKE (V/O) Grim memories and bad flashbacks. In the bathroom, DUKE'S unlaced boots CRUSH BROKEN GLASS IN VOMIT AND GRAPEFRUIT RINDS. DUKE unzips and pisses. THERE IN THE TOILET BOWL IS THE MAGNUM .357! DUKE (V/O) Something ugly had happened. I was sure of it... DUKE stares at the golden stream SPLASHING ON THE GUN. The SOUNDS OF VOMITING come from a closet near the front door. DUKE looks into the room. He sees GONZO's ass sticking out of the closet. He opens his mouth to speak when, IN THE SMASHED MIRROR HE SEES THE FRAGMENTED REFLECTION OF HIMSELF... sleeping on the sofa. The ominous SOUND OF A KEY TURNING in the room lock. A hellish scream wakes up the SLEEPING DUKE. He sees GONZO grappling naked with the maid -- gun to her head. GONZO is muffling her screams with an ice bag. MAID Please... please... I'm only the maid. I didn't mean nothin!... DUKE (jumps up from the bed, flashing his press badge) YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! 92. GONZO (to DUKE) She must have used a pass key. I was polishing my shoes in the closet when I noticed her sneaking in-so I took her. DUKE shakes his head. DUKE (barks at the MAID) What made you do it? Who paid you off? MAID Nobody. I'm the maid! GONZO You're lying! You were after the evidence. Who put you up to this -- the manager? MAID I don't know what you're talking about! GONZO Bullshit! You're just as much a part of it as they are! MAID Part of what? DUKE The dope ring. You must know what's going on in this hotel. Why do you think we're here? MAID (blubbering) I know you're cops, but I thought you were just here for that convention. I swear! All I wanted to do was clean up the room. I don't know anything about dope! GONZO laughs. GONZO Come on, baby don't try to tell us you never heard of the Grange Gorman. 93. MAID No! No! I swear to Jesus I never heard of that stuff! DUKE Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe she's not part of it. MAID No! I swear I'm not! GONZO (long pause) In that case, maybe she can help. MAID Yes! I'll help you all you need! I hate dope! DUKE So do we, lady. GONZO (helping her up) I think we should put her on the payroll. See what she comes up with. DUKE Do you think you can handle it? MAID What? GONZO One phone call every day. Just tell us what you've seen. Don't worry if it doesn't add up, that's our problem. GONZO hustles the MAID to the door. MAID You'd pay me for that? DUKE You're damn right. But the first time you say anything about this, to anybody -- you'll go straight to prison for the rest of your life. What's your name? MAID Alice. Just ring Linen Service and ask for Alice. 94. GONZO Alright, Alice... you'll be contacted by Inspector Rock. Arthur Rock. He'll be posing as a politician. DUKE Inspector Rock will pay you. In cash. A thousand dollars on the ninth of every month. MAID Oh Lord! I'd do just about anything for that! GONZO You and a lot of other people. DUKE The password is: "One Hand Washes The Other." The minute you hear that, you say "I fear nothing." MAID I fear nothing. She repeats the password several times while they listen to make sure she has it right. GONZO Oh, and don't bother to make up the room. That way we won't have to risk another of these little incidents, will we? MAID Whatever you say, gentlemen. I can't tell you how sorry I am about what happened... GONZO Don't worry, it's all over now. Thank God for the decent people. She smiles, repeating to herself "One Hand Washes The Other" as GONZO hangs the DO NOT DISTURB sign and shuts the door. CUT BACK TO THE PRESENT. A grimy tape runs through a grunged-up portable tape recorder. GONZO ON TAPE ... Thank God for the decent people. 95. DUKE sits in the middle of the wrecked suite with his mangled tape recorder in front of him. DUKE (V/O) Memories of that night are extremely hazy... DUKE fast forwards through the tape -- SEARCHING: "Awwww, mama... can this really...be the end...?" EXT. SAFEWAY SUPERMARKET - DAY The WHITE WHALE waits -- gleaming -- beautiful. DUKE (V/O) There is a definite obligation, when you boom around Vegas in a white Coupe de Ville, to maintain a certain style. DUKE and GONZO burst out of the supermarket riding a shopping basket loaded with COCONUTS, GRAPEFRUIT and TEQUILA. They send DEFEATED SHOPPERS sprawling. The trolley collides into the WHITE WHALE. SHOPPERS gather at the supermarket entrance to watch -- baskets loaded with junk, SCREAMING KIDS and EMPTY WALLETS. DUKE switches on the music: JUMPING JACK FLASH. He selects a coconut -- ceremonially balances it on the hood. GONZO pulls out a silver claw-hammer. A sly look at the gathering CROWD... then he smashes the hammer down on the coconut! A GASP from the surly SHOPPERS. DUKE places another coconut. SMASH! Milk and white meat flies everywhere. SHOPPER #1 Hey! Is that your car? DUKE Sure is. SMASH! Coconut fragments fly. DUKE Any of you folks want the milk? We're after the meat. This is honest coconut essence. Real meat. SMASH! 96. SHOPPER #2 Meat, hell! Look what you're doing to that car! GONZO Fuck the car. They should make these things with a goddamn FM radio. SMASH! DUKE Yeh... This foreign made crap -- is sucking our dollar balance dry! SHOPPER #3 Someone should stop them! SMASH! DUKE You poor fools don't understand, do you? This car is the property of the World Bank! That money goes to ITALY! SHOPPER #3 Somebody should call the police! GONZO Police? Are you people crazy? GONZO confronts the CROWD, hammer in one hand, a coconut in the other. GONZO (CONT'D) You folks every heard of ole Patrick Henry? Know what he said?! Silence -- the CROWD uncomprehending of this STONE DEGENERATE. GONZO (CONT'D) (ROARS) GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH! GONZO brings the hammer down on the hood. CLANG! A gasp from the CROWD. Getting ugly. GONZO (CONT'D) In Samoa we LOVE THE CONSTITUTION! SHOPPER #3 Bullshit. 97. The CROWD move in. SHOPPER #1 Call the goddamn police! GONZO SWINGS THE HAMMER. CLANG! SHOPPER #4 Look what they've done to that beautiful car! DUKE jumps in behind the wheel. DUKE This crowd is not rational. They can't relate to us. Let's go! A final CLANG! GONZO jumps in. DUKE floors the accelerator -- screams at the CROWD. DUKE You people voted for Hubert Humphrey! You killed Jesus! They swerve round and through the CROWD. DUKE (V/O) The crowd broke ranks. Nobody wants to be run over by a Coupe de Ville. INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE - NIGHT DUKE FAST-FORWARDS... PLAYS THE TAPE... VOICE ON TAPE You found the American Dream? In this town? DUKE ON TAPE We're sitting on the main nerve right now... INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING MERRY-GO-ROUND BAR - NIGHT DUKE and GONZO (wearing a single black glove) talk conspiratorially to a 3RD MAN. A PLACID ORANGUTAN in a bow tie sits next to him. THE BAR IS REVOLVING FASTER THAN NORMAL. DUKE IS INSANELY TALKATIVE -- WIRED! 98. DUKE The manager told me a story about the owner of this place...about how he always wanted to run away and join the circus when he was a kid. Well, now the bastard has his own circus, and a license to steal, too. 3RD MAN You're right -- he's the model. DUKE Absolutely! Pure Horatio Alger... Say... INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE playing the tape. DUKE ON TAPE ... how much do you think he'd take for the ape? DUKE fast-forwards again -- searching... TRAFFIC NOISES. SCREECH OF BRAKES. VOICE ON TAPE Holy God!... A TERRIBLE GRINDING NOISE. EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY - NIGHT RENTAL AGENT Holy God!, how did this happen? DUKE They beat the shit out of it. RENTAL AGENT The top's completely jammed! The CAR RENTAL AGENT wrestles with the trashed car. DUKE Yeah, something's wrong with the motor... INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE ON TAPE ... The generator light's been on red ever since I drove the thing into Lake Mead on a water test... 99. A HUGE SPLASH... The tape's gone too far. DUKE No, no. Shit... DUKE races the tape BACKWARDS... Then, SIRENS HOWL. DUKE ON TAPE Where's the ape? I'm ready to write a check. INT. BAZOOKO CIRCUS BAR - NIGHT DUKE is standing in the middle of A SEMI-DESTROYED BAZOOKO CIRCUS REVOLVING BAR. Mirrors are broken. People are recovering from some kind of battle. THE BAR SPINS MADLY. DUKE IS INSANELY WIRED. 3RD MAN Forget it, he just attacked an old man... he took a bite out of the bartender's head! The cops took the ape away. DUKE Goddamnit! What's the bail? I want that ape! I've already reserved two first-class seats on the plane. DUKE (V/O) There was every reason to believe that we had been heading for trouble, that we'd pushed our luck a bit far... INT. WHITE WHALE ON THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT GONZO SCREAMS ABUSE out of the window at a Ford alongside the VOMIT STREAKED WHITE WHALE. DUKE MAKES A SUPERHUMAN EFFORT TO STAY ON THE ROAD. GONZO Hey there! You folks want to buy some heroin? In the Ford: TWO COUPLES -- MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN FACES FROZEN IN SHOCK -- stare straight ahead. GONZO leans out -- close to them. 100. GONZO Hey, honkies! Goddamnit, I'm serious. I want to sell you some pure fucking smack! No reaction. GONZO Cheap heroin! This is the real stuff! You won't get hooked. I just got back from Vietnam! This is scag, folks. Pure scag! The lights change. The Ford bolts. DUKE keeps pace with them. GONZO Shoot! Fuck! Scag! Blood! Heroin! Rape! Cheap! Communist! Jab it right in your fucking eyeballs! The MAN IN THE BACK SEAT suddenly loses control -- enraged, lunges against the glass, trying to get at GONZO. MAN IN CAR You dirty bastards! Pull over and I'll kill you! God damn you! You bastards! INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT BACK IN THE SUITE: The tapes runs: MAN IN CAR ON TAPE You dirty bastards! An ugly squeal of brakes. GONZO ON TAPE Shit, he was trying to bite me! I shoulda maced the fucker! DUKE fast forwards the tape. The TAPE MANGLES -- the sounds ski to a halt... DUKE grabs the nearest tool -- uses it to hook out the tape, then realizes... IT'S GONZO'S RAZOR-SHARP FOLDING KNIFE... A CHILLING MOMENT... DUKE turns the knife over... THERE'S A DRIED CRIMSON SPOT ON THE BLADE... OR IS IT DRIED MASHED POTATOES? 101. READ ON TO FIND OUT! DUKE (remembering) Back door beauty! DUKE (V/O) The mentality of Las Vegas is so grossly atavistic that a really massive crime often slips by unrecognized. DUKE SCRAPS A LITTLE OF THE CRUST -- TASTES IT... DUKE (V/O CONT'D) The possibility of physical and mental collapse is very real... No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride... HE HEARS THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE BEHIND BEATEN UP... VOICE OFF Shit! Faggot! Bastard! EXT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT WHACK! SHADOWY FIGURES beat up a MAN -- give him A GOOD KICKING. BRUTAL AND UGLY. DUKE (V/O) North Vegas is where you go when you've fucked up once too often on The Strip and when you're not even welcome in the cut-rate Downtown places. PAN to reveal a seedy diner -- THE NORTH STAR CAFE in the background. Through the window -- DUKE and GONZO sit at the counter. INT. NORTH STAR COFFEE LOUNGE - NIGHT DUKE (V/O) The North Star Coffee Lounge seemed like a fairly safe haven from our storms. No hassles, no talk. Just a place to rest and regroup. I wasn't even hungry. GONZO stuffs a hamburger down PAYING NO ATTENTION TO THE BEATING going on outside the window. Duke reads a newspaper. 102. DUKE (V/O) There was nothing in the atmosphere of the North Star to put me on my guard... GONZO (to WAITRESS) Two glasses of ice water with ice. The WAITRESS brings the ice water. DUKE (V/O) She looked like a burnt out caricature of Jane Russell. She was definitely in charge here... GONZO gulps down his glass of water and hands her a napkin. DUKE (V/O) He did it very casually, but I knew that our peace was about to be shattered. DUKE What was that? GONZO shrugs. The WAITRESS stands at the end of the counter with her back to them while she ponders the napkin... She turns. WAITRESS What is this? GONZO A napkin. THE WAITRESS slams the napkin down on the counter. WAITRESS Don't give me that bullshit! I know what it means! You goddamn fat pimp bastard. GONZO That's the name of a horse I used to own. What's wrong with you? WAITRESS You sonofabitch! I take a lot of shit in this place, but I sure as hell don't have to take it off a SPIC PIMP! 103. GONZO GOES VERY VERY STILL AT THIS... DUKE (V/O) Jesus. I thought, what's happening? DUKE picks up the napkin. On it is printed in careful red letters: "BACK DOOR BEAUTY?" DUKE (V/O CONT'D) The question mark was emphasized. WAITRESS (screams) Pay your bill and get the hell out! You want me to call the cops? GONZO Spic pimp? GONZO's hand goes inside his shirt. He PULLS OUT THE RAZOR- SHARP HUNTING KNIFE. GONZO KEEPS HIS EYES ON THE WAITRESS. He walks about six feet down the aisle and lifts the receiver of the pay phone. He SLICES IT OFF, then brings the receiver back to his stool and sits down. DUKE (V/O) I was stupid with shock -- not knowing whether to run or start laughing. GONZO (casual) How much is the lemon meringue pie? DUKE (V/O) Her eyes were turgid with fear, but her brain was functioning on some basic motor survival level. WAITRESS (blurting -- on automatic) Thirty-five cents! GONZO (laughing) I mean the whole pie. The WAITRESS MOANS. GONZO places a $5 BILL on the counter. GONZO Let's say five dollars. Okay? 104. GONZO walks round the counter TAKING THE PIE OUT OF THE DISPLAY CASE. DUKE (V/O) The sight of the blade had triggered bad memories. The glazed look in her eyes said her throat had been cut. She was still in the grip of paralysis when we left. DUKE IS ROOTED TO THE SPOT. GONZO urges him out the door. The camera retreats with them. The WAITRESS STANDS THERE -- PETRIFIED. Alone in a lousy bar at night. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT DUKE's face as he stares at the knife -- remembering... GONZO (V/O) Drive! Drive! Drive! We have fifteen fucking minutes to get me on that plane! EXT. ROAD ON OUTSKIRTS OF LAS VEGAS - DAY The WHITE WHALE, looking like shit -- it's TOP HALF UP, TORN, SLAPPING IN THE WIND -- ROARS THROUGH AN INTERSECTION as the light turns red. DR. GONZO FRANTICALLY PAWS OVER A MAP. DUKE drives -- SILENT AND FURIOUS -- sick to his stomach with the PSYCHOTIC GONZO. GONZO What are you doing? You were supposed to turn back there! DUKE (V/O) We had abused every rule that Vegas lived by -- burning the locals, abusing the tourists, terrifying the help. The only chance now, I felt, was the possibility that we'd gone to such excess that nobody in the position to bring the hammer down on us could possibility believe it. DUKE suddenly SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. 105. GONZO Jesus Christ!!! There, crossing the road in front of them, is LUCY -- her paintings under her arm -- looking lost. SHE LOOKS UP WITH A VAGUE SENSE OF RECOGNITION... DUKE throws the car into a SKIDDING REVERSE TURN AND ROARS OFF. EXT. DESERT ROAD OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS - DAY THE WHITE WHALE TEARS DOWN THE DESERTED FREEWAY. GONZO looks wildly around. GONZO Goddamnit! We're lost! What are we doing out here on this godforsaken road? GONZO sees that THEY'RE RUNNING PARALLEL WITH THE AIRPORT RUNWAY. GONZO The airport is over there! DUKE Never missed a plane yet. DUKE HITS THE BRAKES and wrenches the wheel -- takes the WHALE down into the grassy freeway divider. WHEELS CHURNING, HE MAKES IT UP THE OPPOSITE BANK, nose of the car straight up, then BOUNCES ONTO THE FREEWAY and keeps going right OVER A FENCE, dragging it through a cactus field and onto the RUNWAY. GONZO is FROZEN WITH FEAR -- GRIPPING THE DASHBOARD. He throws a worried look at DUKE. DUKE I'll drop you right next to the plane. They SPEED UNDER A PARKED AIRPLANE, SHOUTING ABOVE THE JET ENGINE SCREAM. GONZO No! I can't get out! They'll crucify me. I'll have to take the blame! 106. DUKE (irritatedly) Ridiculous! Just say you were hitchhiking to the airport and I picked you up. You never saw me before. Shit, this town is full of white Cadillac convertibles. I plan to go through there so fast that nobody will even glimpse the goddamn license plate. You ready? GONZO Why not? But for Christ's sake, just do it fast! EXT. AT THE AIRPLANE - DAY DUKE SCREECHES UP in front of the DESERT AIR 727. GONZO JUMPS OUT -- HEADS FOR THE PLANE. DUKE watches him go -- RELENTS. DUKE Hey! GONZO stops -- turns. DUKE Don't take any guff from those swine. Remember, if you have any trouble you can always send a telegram to the Right People. GONZO Yeah... Explaining my Position. Some asshole wrote a poem about that once... GONZO pauses. GONZO Probably good advice, if you have shit for brains. GONZO turns and RACES TOWARDS THE STEPS JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE PLANE HE PAUSES AND LOOKS BACK...SMILES...AND LEANS FORWARD AND VOMITS. DUKE (V/O) There he goes -- one of God's own prototypes -- a high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die. 107. DUKE watches for a second then ROARS AWAY. PULL BACK WITH THE WHITE SHARK -- LEAVING THE AIRPLANE FAR BEHIND. INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE/APOCALYPSE - NIGHT On the TV an airplane soars thru the sky. Pull back to find DUKE barricaded in GONZO'S BEDROOM. He is typing on his typewriter. DUKE We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the speed that fueled that 60's. That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip. He crashed around America selling "consciousness expansion" without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took him seriously... DUKE records like A WAR CORRESPONDENT. The CAMERA slowly rises -- DUKE alone in the room with the TV SPEWING OUT IMAGES OF WARS AND CIVIL UNREST OF THE 90'S. DUKE All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their loss and failure is ours too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped create... RISING HIGHER -- THE WALLS OF THE ROOM APPEAR TO BY 20 TO 30 FEET HIGH. DUKE SEEMS TO BE AT THE BOTTOM OF A WELL... THE CAMERA RISES UP THROUGH BROKEN TIMBERS... DUKE ... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force -- is tending the light at the end of the tunnel. HIGHER STILL -- DUKE ALONE IN THE ROOM -- AN ISOLATED BOX SURROUNDED BY THE TWISTED METAL AND RUBBLE AND SMASHED NEON SIGNS OF THE DEAD CITY -- A BLASTED LANDSCAPE WITHOUT LIGHT -- SHARDS OF A CIVILIZATION. 108. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - DAY A BURNING FLARED-OUT SUN. The camera pans down to DUKE DRIVING THE WRECKED WHALE. A piece of the fence flies out of the back seat as he takes a bump. DUKE (V/O) There was only one road back to L.A. US Interstate 15, just a flat-out high speed burn through Baker and Barstow and Berdoo, then on to the Hollywood Freeway straight into frantic oblivion: safety, obscurity, just another freak in the Freak Kingdom. DUKE sees THE HARDWARE BARN, A RUSTIC OLD FARM BUILDING facing the road with a single gas pump outside and a neon sign that flashes beer. DUKE Ahhh. Wonderful. DUKE PULLS OFF THE ROAD and parks. Gets out and walks in. INT. HARDWARE BARN - BAKER, CALIFORNIA - DAY DUKE enters the DARK, CLUTTERED INTERIOR. Scattered all about the store are BITS OF AMERICANA... OLD BARRELS, WAGON WHEELS, WOODEN YOKES. A STUFFED HORSE HANGS FROM THE RAFTERS. The sunlight shafts through high windows. AN OLD MAN is repairing an iron pot-bellied stove near the wooden bar. A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING... ONLY REAL. PROPRIETOR What'll you have? DUKE can't quite believe this place -- too good to be true. DUKE (doubtfully) Ballantine Ale...? THE PROPRIETOR serves the ale up ice cold. DUKE SMILES AND RELAXES. DUKE Hard to find it served like this anymore. As he drinks, DUKE toys with a rack of key chains -- LITTLE AMERICAN ICONS... A REMINGTON COWBOY, A BUGS BUNNY, A TWEETY PIE, BETTY BOOP, A BASEBALL PLAYER. The logo on the rack reads: AMERICAN DREAM KEY RINGS. 109. PROPRIETOR Where ya comin' from, young man? DUKE Las Vegas. PROPRIETOR A great town, that Vegas. I bet you had good luck there. You're the type. DUKE I know. I'm a triple Scorpio. PROPRIETOR (trustingly) That's a fine combination. You can't lose. A LOVELY GIRL appears. Seeing DUKE, she smiles. CAN THIS REALLY BE HIS LUCKY DAY? She approaches him... and... KISSES THE PROPRIETOR. DUKE (caught off guard... muttering) Oh, my God!... PROPRIETOR (not understanding) This is my granddaughter... DUKE (recovering) Don't worry... (leans forward in confidence) ... and I'm actually the District Attorney from Ignoto County. (winks) Just another good American like yourself. A MOMENT. THE PROPRIETOR'S SMILE DISAPPEARS. Wordlessly the PROPRIETOR and his GRANDDAUGHTER go to the back of the store -- GET ON WITH THEIR WORK -- IGNORING DUKE. WHO FEELS ASHAMED. DUKE puts some money down on the bar and SLOWLY LEAVES. EXT. HARDWARE BARN - DAY A CHASTENED DUKE approaches the vomit streaked WHITE WHALE. Gets in -- sits there -- deflated -- miserable... 110. A state bus draws up across from the Hardware Barn. Somberly, DUKE watches as TWO YOUNG MARINES with duffel bags step off -- chatting like TRUE BROTHERS... DUKE switches on the ignition. Something rolls off the trembling dash... DUKE catches it... ONE SINGLE BEAUTIFUL AMYL CAPSULE... DUKE CRACKS THE AMYL -- INHALES. THE RUSH MAKES HIM GASP -- TEETH BARED LIKE A MADMAN. DUKE HOLY SHIT!!! DUKE GUNS THE ENGINE with a laugh -- leans out -- YELLS AT THE MARINES. DUKE GOD'S MERCY ON YOU SWINE! DUKE ROARS AWAY. AN AMERICAN FLAG FLIES UP FROM THE DEBRIS IN THE BACK SEAT, MADLY UNFURLING ITSELF AS IT SNAGS ON THE CONVERTIBLE-TOP FRAME OF THE TRASHED WHITE WHALE! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! The TWO MARINES look after him CONFUSED. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY DUKE drives fast -- TEETH GRITTED IN FROZEN ECSTASY!! DUKE CRANKS UP THE TAPE RECORDER. DUKE (V/O) My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger... a man on the move... and just sick enough to be totally confident. The WHITE WHALE WIPES THE SCREEN BLACK. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! END

FEAST Written by Patrick Melton & Marcus Dunston Revised Draft 5/3/2004 FADE IN: EXT. DESERT -- DAY The white sun beats down on the rocky terrain. There's not a cloud in the blue sky and the wind is at a standstill. Far in the distance, a MEDIUM SIZED FLAT-BED TRUCK makes its way to the entrance of a large cavern opening. Two VULTURES perched on a barren tree watch the intruders. EXT. DESERT -- DAY The truck screeches to a dusty stop. Three men in matching coveralls and hard hats jump from the cab: CHIEF (42, stocky, weary), LANKY (32, withered) and COLLEGE BOY (23, clean cut and naive). Chief holds a map and glares into the howling black mouth before them. CHIEF This is it. LANKY Why did it have to be these caves... COLLEGE BOY Is something wrong? LANKY (to College Boy) Don't mind me, buddy. It's nothin'. Chief grabs a flashlight and moves to the back of the truck. The logo on the rear gate reads "WIGWAM WASTE MANAGEMENT." CHIEF Let's get that first barrel. The gate drops revealing their full load of YELLOW BARRELS bearing the familiar BIOHAZARD WASTE symbol. INT. CAVERN -- MOMENTS LATER College Boy and Lanky steer a cart loaded with the first barrel inside. Chief's lone beam of light leads the men. COLLEGE BOY What's with the awkward silence? LANKY You don't know? College Boy shakes his head "no" and they set the cart down. CHIEF Last winter, a man kidnapped a little girl and holed up in one of these caves. The cops had him pinned down and began to move in. This guy started shooting... but he wasn't aiming at the officers... (getting closer) ...he was firing at something inside. College Boy is rapt. CHIEF When the dust cleared, all they found was the little girl's shoes. (beat) With the feet still in 'em. Something GRABS College Boy's ankles, causing him to jump. COLLEGE BOY Ahh!!! Lanky's on his knees, having grabbed him from behind. The two men mockingly laugh. College boy settles, embarrassed. COLLEGE BOY Assholes. CHIEF Hey, relax, I nearly shit myself when my boss pulled that one on me. LANKY I went well beyond nearly. Then, a sound. All eyes turn. CHIEF What was that? COLLEGE BOY Once was plenty, fellas. CHIEF Shhhh... As Chief moves forward, pulling out his pick-axe. Instantly, the cave is illuminated by a white floodlight. A group of GREENPEACE HIPPIE ACTIVISTS stand in the cave, CHAINED TOGETHER at the waist, startling the men into screams. MEAN GREEN (35, crooked glasses on a face that has launched a thousand craps) barks into a MINI BULLHORN that hangs around her neck. She charges towards Chief. MEAN GREEN Stop it right there! You will not rape Mother Nature one more day! Panicked, Chief drops his pick-axe and stumbles back. CHIEF Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! In unison, the hippies start CHANTING. HIPPIE GROUP Mother Nature is not a whore/Don't dump in her any-more/Mother Nature is not a whore/Don't dump in her any- more... A BEARDED CAMERAMAN with a huge KEY RING on his belt, films the whole event. The three men are stopped in their tracks. CHIEF Take it easy! We have a permit! MEAN GREEN (handing a document) And we have an injunction from the State to prevent any dumping in these caverns! This is virgin land! The aqueducts in these caves bring drinking water to our families, and its piping provides drainage for our farms that enrich this barren land! And it won't be tainted by waste of any kind! Not now! Not ever! Chief, shaken, confirms the injunction and hands it back. CHIEF Fine, just back off! He snaps his fingers, motioning to the barrel. CHIEF Let's roll... Now-now-now! Backing away, looking to Mean Green. CHIEF How do you guys always know where we're going? MEAN GREEN (with a smirk) I'll tell ya next time! NOW MOVE IT! Hastily, the men roll the barrel out of the cave. MEAN GREEN Score one for the green team!!! The hippies let out a spirited cheer. One pulls out a tambourine, drums the beat for KUM BI YA. The rest join in the victorious chant as they watch the three men hop in their truck and peel away. BEARDED CAMERAMAN Hey, man, that was righteous, but I need a shot with the sign up. At the end of the human chain, an earthy woman, FUZZY, moves to hang a GREENPEACE sign. Mean Green strokes the cave wall. MEAN GREEN We saved you today, ol' gal. Fuzzy hammers the sign in, but hits too hard, causing a breach in the rock wall. FUZZY Oh, fuck! MEAN GREEN Sister, why do you always swing for the fences? FUZZY (eyeing breach) It's okay, but I... I think I see something in there... something shiny. Fuzzy puts her face up to the hole for a closer look. The rest of the hippie-chain moves in closer. FUZZY Oh my, it looks like diamonds! CHOMP! A set of giant, ravenous teeth bite into Fuzzy's skull. Blood SPLATTERS on the hippies. Bearded Cameraman jumps to pull Fuzzy from the breach. Fuzzy's body is YANKED into the hole. The group tumbles forward. Mean Green tries to stop herself from sliding, but can't. One by one, the hippies are being dragged to their death. Ripping, tearing, and howling echoes off the walls. Bearded Cameraman stumbles back. Mean Green spots him. MEAN GREEN Give me the keys!!! Bearded Camerman just stares at her in shock. He's missing both his arms. Mean Green lunges and grabs Chief's dropped pick-axe. She HAMMERS at the chain around her waist. Foot by foot, she's dragged closer. At the last second, she BREAKS the chain, popping herself free. She spins, running for safety. A guttural HOWL behind her fills the cavern. Mean Green sprints toward the cave opening. She's gonna make it. Only a few more feet. And then... JERK! Something grabs her neck and YANKS her back into the darkness. The whiplash sends her bloody BULLHORN flying into the light. As it lands, it lets out one last weak HONK... CUT TO BLACK: SUPERIMPOSED: BASED ON A TRUE STORY The title SHATTERS... INT. CRASHED CAR -- NIGHT P.O.V. - We frantically EMERGE from the burning wreck... RUN from the crash over desolate prairie land... EXT. BAR -- NIGHT Neon light flashes UNITED NATIONS TAVERN. Laughing and music emanates. Besides the bar, there's nothing around for miles. A 1985, pristine black Pontiac Trans-Am with a Golden Eagle on the hood pulls up. The rear bumper sticker reads "MY OTHER TOY HAS TITS." A weasel-like man with a fat belly and tank-top emerges from the hot rod carrying a VELVET POOL CUE CASE. Freeze on him. NAME: BOZO AGE: 32 JOB: UNEMPLOYED OCCUPATION: TOWN JACKASS LIFE EXPECTANCY: DEAD BY DAWN The rest of the parking lot is scattered with cars and pickup trucks. Bozo lazily makes his way to the bar and pushes through the front entrance -- INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Bozo passes a man dressed in a cheap suit and standing well over six foot five with frazzled black hair and olive skin. Talking with a thick Greek accent, he pleads into a pay phone. COACH (into pay phone) They took my laptop with my PowerPoint presentation, my Blackberry, my cell... And to top it off, my car crapped out on the side of the road! I'm not making the conference and I have fourteen leads waiting for me. You gotta help me out here. I'm not kidding, I've have fourteen PRIMO leads waiting in the lobby of the Mariott... MARIOTT... Freeze on him. NAME: COACH AGE: 42 OCCUPATION: LIFE COACH & MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER FUN FACT: OFTEN CALLED THE GREEK TONY ROBBINS LIFE EXPECTANCY: STAY FAR, FAR AWAY CLICK. The pay phone goes dead. COACH Son of a -- (deep breath, soothing) In with anger, out with love. Further into the bar, a man in a wheelchair loads a quarter into an old jukebox, but he is instantly pushed away by Bozo. Freeze on him. NAME: PARA AGE: 29 OCCUPATION: FIREWORKS DEALER COMIC BOOK COLLECTION: RIDICULOUSLY HUGE LIFE EXPECTANCY: THEY WOULDN'T KILL A CRIPPLE... WOULD THEY? Bozo's tank-top reads, "ONLY COOL CHICKS CAN DO ME." PARA (rolling away) Hey... BOZO Shut up, fag. Bozo punches in his selection. EDGY CAT (34, samurai pony tail, don't you dare call him an alcoholic) stands by the bar's POOL TABLE powdering his cue. EDGY CAT (to Bozo) You're late! BOZO Don't dilly-dally then. Rack 'em! The CD spins and an 1980s heavy metal classic KICKS IN. Bozo, mouthing the lyrics, struts away. NOTE: Music plays over all the bar sequences. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - We continue to run. Rapid breathing. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Beer Guy (kinda handsome... just kinda) sets a keg of beer behind the bar. Freeze on him. NAME: BEER GUY AGE: 32 OCCUPATION: BEER GUY/PART-TIME HOST AT RED LOBSTER LIFE EXPECTANCY: WIMPS AND DORKS ARE THE FIRST TO GO... HE'S BOTH He talks with BARTENDER (thinning hair, chiseled face, big earring) who preps a drink. BEER GUY I mean, we'd been together for so long and then... bang! She drops me. Since then, it's been like a damn country song: she's gone, the car's repossessed, and a father figure made a pass at me. I'm not saying I ever had it. But I have definitely lost it. (beat) Now I haul this swill from armpit to armpit. I used to be a model for Christ's sake. Coach has been eavesdropping on Beer Guy and approaches. COACH For what, may I ask? BEER GUY JC Penny. Spring wear. Beer Guy then mimics throwing a sport coat over his shoulder and delivering his "model" cheese smile. COACH You know, Chach, catching you at this low point is pure serendipity. BEER GUY Why is that? COACH Because I take the rubble of man and build superstars. In my briefcase here is a doorway to a self-help sensation. Give me a minute, because I'd like to buy you a drink and change your life forever. I have a brochure -- BARTENDER Save it. We don't deal in pamphlets 'round here. We stick to chemistry. And his drinks are on me. Bartender puts a shot in front of Beer Guy. Behind him, a mounted DEER HEAD is prominently displayed. Freeze on him. NAME: BARTENDER AGE: 50 OCCUPATION: BARTENDER FUN FACT: SHOT 4 TIMES, STABBED 6 TIMES, BIT BY 1 SQUIRREL LIFE EXPECTANCY: READY TO WEAR With Coach stumped, Bartender turns to Beer Guy. BARTENDER Was that the last keg? BEER GUY Yup, one keg of Beast for the basement, then the truck's dry. BARTENDER If you're stayin', move the truck, boss gets pissed about you using primo parking. Beer Guy downs his shot and hoists the lone keg into the waiting keg elevator. BEER GUY Right, 'cause this joint's hopping. He hits a button and the keg slowly lowers to the basement. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - We jump over a bush and crash in the dusty earth. INT. BAR -- NIGHT A glass of beer slides down the bar. A hand GRABS it and puts it on a tray. The woman is pretty though haggard, stained apron and dirty blond hair. Freeze on her. NAME: TUFFY AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: CAREER WAITRESS FUN FACT: SERVED 100 HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE FOR ILLEGAL DUMPING OF MANURE... IN EX-HUSBAND'S CAR LIFE EXPECTANCY: BADASS-IN-WAITING Tuffy carries the tray toward a table. She passes a TV mounted on the wall. ON TV: A NEWSCASTER, dressed in a coat and tie, talks. NEWSCASTER ...the search for the missing protesters will be further complicated by the unstable conditions of these deep tunnels. Thus far, no sign of life has been detected, yet town officials are still optimistic. Newscaster spins and an ECLIPSE GRAPHIC appears on screen. NEWSCASTER On a brighter note, or should I say a darker note, tomorrow's solar eclipse will bring out adults and children alike for a citywide fair of this metrological event. Stay tuned for our man on the street to take a closer look... INT. BAR -- BASEMENT -- NIGHT Beer Guy pulls the keg from the elevator and places it next to other kegs. A faint conversation brews behind a curtain. BOSS MAN (paunchy, sweaty, ugly) and ROADIE (English accent, light hair, leather skin, thin build) talk shop. BOSS MAN (O.S.) Listen, bud. I got a load ready to move and your man's not here. ROADIE (O.S.) He's coming. Relax. And if he doesn't show -- BOSS MAN (O.S.) We got a problem. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - We are trucking... labored breathing... INT. BAR -- NIGHT Tuffy moves to a table where ADULTERER (bushy mustache, sweater vest, dress shirt) sits with TRAMPY (designer glasses, hair pulled back, tight blue business suit, closet tramp). Freeze on Trampy. NAME: TRAMPY AGE: 19 OCCUPATION: BANK TELLER MOTTO: THE SHORTER THE SKIRT, THE HIGHER THE RAISE LIFE EXPECTANCY: BETTER THAN ADULTERER TRAMPY He said there was no reason I had to stay a teller and that if I did good work and didn't mess up, I could become an assistant manager within three years. (pause) Can you believe that? ADULTERER That sounds great. Freeze on him. NAME: ADULTERER AGE: 36 OCCUPATION: HIGH SCHOOL P.E. INSTRUCTOR NICKNAME: DR. BLUMPKIN GENITALS: SHAVED LIFE EXPECTANCY: WORSE THAN TRAMPY Adulterer reaches into his pocket to pay the tab, but he inadvertently pulls out his hidden WEDDING RING. TRAMPY That sounds like bullshit! I could be an assistant manager at The Lake Arrowhead Casino for knowing the fuckin' alphabet to G! I'll be twenty in three months... The damning wedding band falls and bounces. As it rolls, Tuffy, Trampy and Adulterer watch. The ring stops, standing still on its side. Trampy seethes as she chooses which obscenity to deliver. Adulterer slides a wad of cash to Tuffy. ADULTERER Just bring the whole bottle. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - Sprinting and wheezing. The bar lights are ahead. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Tuffy walks back over to the bar adding Adulterer's cash to a fat roll of money. BELLE (stringy blond hair, cute face, brand-spanking new employee) looks up with surprise. Freeze on her. NAME: BELLE AGE: 21 OCCUPATION: WAITRESS GOAL: PLAY BELLE IN STAGE VERSION OF "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" LIFE EXPECTANCY: SAME ODDS AS PLAYING BELLE IN STAGE VERSION OF "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" BELLE If I could made that kind of money, I'd be in Hollywood next week. Boss Man walks by and nods to Tuffy, making his way to the rickety side-staircase to the SECOND FLOOR. Tuffy grinds her teeth and moves to the staircase. TUFFY 'Round here, there are ways. Boss Man winks at Belle. Pure sleaze. Freeze on him. NAME: BOSS MAN AGE: 47 OCCUPATION: BAR OWNER MOTTO: IF THERE'S GRASS IN THE FIELD, PLAY BALL LIFE EXPECTANCY: REGULAR OR EXTRA-CRISPY? EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - Running, approaching the distant bar... INT. BAR -- NIGHT Bozo looks grimly at a pile of CASH on the ledge of the pool table. Edgy Cat sinks the eighth shot of a NINE BALL game. EDGY CAT That cash is gonna look much better in my pocket. BOZO (re: mounted head) Ya know, that deer only looks scared when you're in the room. Para rolls up behind Edgy. PARA Excuse me, please. EDGY CAT Jesus! Edgy looks to Para, distracted. Bozo quickly replaces the WHITE CUE BALL with one hidden in his waistline. EXT. BAR -- NIGHT P.O.V. - The bar's a quarter mile away. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Para's chair back aims at the pool table pocket of which Edgy Cat is lining up for the winning shot. EDGY CAT That's all she wrote... SMACK! The nine ball sinks in the pocket, the cue ball ricochets away as intended. Para flips a switch under his wheelchair's arm rest. The cue ball strays ODDLY into the pocket near Para. Scratch. EDGY CAT What?! BOZO Ohhh, now that's a rough one. EDGY CAT That's motherfuckin' impossible! BOZO (crude Oriental accent) Yoh anga will be yoh downfah. Go again? EDGY CAT Goddamn it! NO! BOZO Oh, come on. Crape Diem! Bozo takes the cash from the table. Edgy Cat sulks away cursing to himself and moves to the bar. Roadie looks on, sipping a beer. Freeze on Roadie. NAME: ROADIE AGE: 38 OCCUPATION: BAND ROADIE FUN FACT: TOURED WITH BON JOVI... SLIPPERY WHEN WET ERA LIFE EXPECTANCY: A FEW DOG YEARS EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - Still running. The bar is getting closer. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Bozo HITS the table of GRANDPA (elderly, white hair, bushy white mustache) and GRANDMA (curly white hair, glasses). Freeze on them. NAMES: GRANDPA AND GRANDMA AGES: 88 AND 86 OCCUPATION: RETIRED FUN FACT: BEEN TOGETHER SINCE THE DEPRESSION LIFE EXPECTANCY: THEY DON'T BUY GREEN BANANAS BOZO Wake up! Check your pants! GRANDPA Get outta here. BOZO (mocking) What's that? Wha'cha say? Huh? (to Grandma) How much for the whole night, Grandma? GRANDMA You should be so lucky. GRANDPA (re: his fists) This one will stun ya, but this one will put ya to sleep. BOZO Whoa! Bozo approaches OLD VET (52, long hair with bandanna, dirty beard) HARLEY MOM, (45, bruiser, grizzled, tough as a saddle) and DRUNK GUY at the bar. The sad trio toss peanut shells into three nearby tall, fat peanut barrels. BOZO You boys wanna try your luck at the loot? Harley mom is offended. Not a word from the others. BOZO Come on, I'll even throw with my left hand. He turns in disappointment. BOZO Nothin' but a bunch of butts and pussies in here! EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT P.O.V. - The bar is close -- we leap a ditch. INT. BAR -- NIGHT KRASH! Belle DROPS a tray full of drinks behind the bar. BELLE Shit! Shit! Shit! BARTENDER Don't sweat it, just clean it up before he's done. He points up to the second floor. INT. BAR -- SECOND FLOOR -- NIGHT Tuffy's son CODY (7, innocent, cute) sits on the floor watching TV. Freeze on him. NAME: CODY AGE: 7 OCCUPATION: TAX BREAK LIFE EXPECTANCY: A WONDERFUL, FULL LIFE Tuffy puts headphones over his ears. TUFFY Keep these on, sweetheart. CODY Mommy, I want Nemo. TUFFY Mommy's working on it. Tuffy kisses him and then moves to an adjacent room. ADJACENT ROOM Tuffy enters the room and takes off her blouse exposing her breasts. She pulls up her skirt and bends over a bedpost. TUFFY Let's get this over with. Boss Man walks up naked, except for red cowboy boots. BOSS MAN I love a woman with enthusiasm. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Bozo walks to the middle of the room. BOZO I got two hundred bucks says none of you can beat me! BARTENDER Hey! Get quiet or get out. BOZO C'mon guys -- EXT. BAR -- NIGHT P.O.V. - Hurtling toward the double doors and -- INT. BAR -- NIGHT BOZO Gimme some ACTION -- BOOM! The double doors to the bar are kicked open by HERO (30s, rugged alpha man built to kick ass). KRASH! Belle DROPS a second tray of drinks -- MUSIC CUTS OUT Hero is scraped, bruised and bloodied. He is dressed in blue denim and holds a RUST-RED SHOTGUN and GUNNY SACK. He SLAMS the double doors shut and props a chair against the handles, securing them. HERO Unless you people want to die you'll do what I say and you'll do it fast! Bartender cocks his SHOTGUN. BARTENDER You hold it right there, mister. HERO A storm of hell's coming down on this place any minute! BARTENDER Drop the canon! Hero puts down the shotgun and moves towards Bartender. HERO I'm not armed now, just hear me out. BARTENDER I'll drop you and not even think about it! HERO Let me explain! BARTENDER You got one second to -- Hero reveals a drool-dripping, white, GRANDPA BEAST HEAD from the gunny sack and holds it out and for all to see. HERO Take a good look and listen to me! There's at least a four of these things out there! Grandpa Beast's head has large red eyeballs and a mouth full of jagged, ivory white teeth. It is like an albino jackal head with spiked hair. HERO I saw one of them tear up five men like they were corn on the cob! (off silence, shock) I don't know what they are. I don't know where they came from. All I do know is that these fuckers are fast, nasty, and hungry. The bar stares at him, slack-jawed. HERO And they can fly. Not to mention they got claws like Ginsu knifes and more teeth than a chainsaw. The Bartender lowers his shotgun slightly. Fast as a snake, Hero GRABS it. He notices the engraving, "THE JUDGE." HERO They're like goddamn blood hungry biker tattoos come to life. They're clocking us. Right now. And we have to lock this bar down! (moving around) That means doors, windows, drains, and basements. We have to do it fast! Hero looks out the lone front window. HERO (looks to Belle) You! Get on that phone. Call the cops, National Guard, townies, whoever kicks ass and get 'em out here. Belle moves to a pay phone at the end of the bar. HERO Any questions? BARTENDER Who are you? HERO I'm the hero -- CRASH! A white Beast arms BURSTS through the window and SPLITS Hero right down the middle. The Judge FIRES into the ceiling -- SECOND FLOOR The Judge's blast blows a toe off Boss Man's RIGHT FOOT as he reaches climax with Tuffy. Boss Man HOLLERS. MAIN BAR Hero's right half is JERKED outside through the window. Blood sprays. Rapid chomping. CRASH! The double doors are kicked open, splintering the propped up chair. HEROINE (Native American, rugged, ripped pants, wickedly hot) rushes in, slams the doors shut and instinctively kicks up the RUST RED SHOTGUN. She flips it sideways and slides the metal weapon through the handles of the double doors, securing them. BAM! A massive HIT slams into the doors from the outside sending Heroine SLIDING across the floor. She SPRINGS to her feet and drives her weight into a table attempting to hoist it over the now open window. HEROINE HELP ME! SOMEBODY! Old Vet and Harley Mom rush to Heroine's aid. They raise the table to cover the gaping hole. Heroine looks outside. HEROINE GET DOWN! A BEAST nails the rising table, just missing Heroine's face. The table falls, pinning Heroine. JUNIOR BEAST enters. He's small and too fast to see well. He SWIPES the heads off Old Vet and Harley Mom. Bartender grabs The Judge, but he's SCRATCHED down the back. Junior Beast rips out the pay phone. Knocks over the TV. Yanks out half of Trampy's hair. Edgy Cat CHARGES the spastic monster with a stool. EDGY CAT I got you! Edgy Cat misses. Junior Beast sends him FLYING into a wall. BLAM! BLAM! Bartender FIRES The Judge at the creature hitting lights instead. An errant shot destroys Edgy Cat's face. Para covers as Junior Beast RIPS the back of his wheelchair. Roadie WHACKS Junior Beast with a chair. Stunned, it flies across the room, landing in a metal ICE COOLER. Bozo SLAMS it closed, capturing Junior Beast. BOZO Got 'cha! EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Shadows of THREE SHRIEKING BEASTS close in on the window... INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Bartender runs across the bar and SLAMS shut the thick wood shutters. The Beasts HIT, cracking the middle. Roadie power lifts the table with Heroine and braces it against the window for reinforcement, but a FURRY ARM busts through and grabs the other half of Hero. HEROINE Goddamn you! Blood starts to SPRAY from outside as the rest of Hero is being devoured through the smallish hole. Heroine works a GOLD RING off of Hero's ring finger. The feeding MOMMA BEAST'S head breaks in through the hole. It grabs Heroine's left forearm. Bartender aims The Judge at the Beast... ROADIE You'll hit her! Roadie KNOCKS The Judge up -- BLAM! SECOND FLOOR The Judge's shotgun blast blows off another toe on Boss Man's RIGHT FOOT. He cries out in agony. MAIN BAR Heroine spins and buries a splintered piece of the broken chair into the ATTACKING MOMMA BEAST'S RIGHT EYE. The Beast SCREECHES and jerks back, dragging the rest of Hero outside. Heroine clutches the ring. Shrieks and flapping wings are heard outside. They dissipate. A moment of calm. Belle timidly holds the receiver of the busted pay phone. The other patrons emerge from under tables and other hiding spaces in various states of shock. Junior Beast has momentarily stopped moving. Bozo secures the lid with a nearby PADLOCK. BOZO What the FUCK was that? Wild-eyed and with a trembling hand, Heroine pours herself a shot from the bar. She downs it and takes a long breath. HEROINE The jungle has a new king. Freeze on her. NAME: HEROINE AGE: 27 OCCUPATION: SURVIVOR LIFE EXPECTANCY: HOPEFULLY LONGER THAN THE LAST HERO CUT TO: Pan and scan over various NEWSPAPER HEADINGS with pictures and newsreel footage that read: "EDWARDS, CALIFORNIA 1940: HIKING CLUB MAULED BY BEARS" "LOCKHART, CALIFORNIA 1948: BRUSH FIRE DEMOLISHES RURAL COMMUNITY, DOZENS MISSING" "HI-VISTA, CALIFORNIA 1956: UNIVERSITY ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG BURIED IN MINE SHAFT COLLAPSE" "PEARBLOSSOM, CALIFORNIA 1964: AVALANCHE BLAMED FOR MISSING HORSEBACK RIDERS" "SALTDALE, CALIFORNIA 1972: MUDSLIDE CLAIMS LOCAL BROWNIE TROOP EARNING COURAGE BADGES" "GARLOCK, CALIFORNIA 1980: ELDERLY TOUR GROUP WASHED AWAY BY FLASH FLOOD" "CALTIL, CALIFORNIA 1988: SINKHOLES DEMOLISH A STRING OF CABINS, SEVERAL FAMILIES PERISH" "WILSONA GARDENS, CALIFORNIA 1996: GAS LEAK EXPLOSION DESTROYS HILLSIDE COMMUNITY" CUT TO: INT. BAR -- NIGHT There is a HOLLER at the top of the stairs. Everyone turns. BOSS MAN Is it clear?! BARTENDER Yeah. BOSS MAN Is there a gun pointing at you? BARTENDER Nah, I got the gun. Boss Man hobbles down the stairs with the help of Tuffy. His foot is a bloody mess. He is holding a .38. BOSS MAN Alright goddamn it! Who shot me!? Who did it!? Belle and Bartender move to his aid. BOSS MAN My goddamn foot is gone! Who fuckin' shot me? Who fuckin' shot me!? BARTENDER (motioning to Heroine) Her fella. HEROINE My husband... BOSS MAN Well, where's the sonuvabitch!? HEROINE He's dead. BOSS MAN What? (noticing destruction) What the hell happened down here?! Boss Man looks to Bozo. BOZO I didn't do it! It was fuckin' monsters, asshole! BOSS MAN Jesus Christ on the cross... someone make sense. HEROINE Easy. We're surrounded by something the likes none of you have ever seen before. Some kind of animals. Real fast, volatile, predators. One went through three of your patrons like nothing. BOSS MAN So, your dead hubby shot me twice, three of my customers have been eaten, and there are angry creatures outside? HEROINE He only shot you once. BOSS MAN Huh? HEROINE (re: Bartender) He shot you the other time. BARTENDER It was an accident. Sorry. Boss Man squints skeptically. Adulterer points to GRANDPA BEAST'S HEAD on the bar. ADULTERER Look at it! BOSS MAN Fan-fuckin-tastic. TUFFY My god... what is that? HEROINE That's one piece of four problems. BOSS MAN Please elaborate. HEROINE That head over there, that's the oldest of the bunch, looked like the Grandpa. We caught the little one, Junior, in the cooler there. As we've seen, what he lacks in size he more than makes up for in speed. BARTENDER And the rest of 'em? HEROINE Unfortunately, the worst of 'em are still outside. NOTE: As Heroine describes each beast, we see a slight glimpse of their virtues, hidden mainly by shadows and fog. HEROINE The next one is taller, but all out of proportion. Like a "teen beast." EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT TEEN BEAST has a big head and awkward body. He clumsily moves and seems uncomfortable in his own skin. HEROINE (V.O.) He was spastic, clumsy, but deadly just the same. INT. BAR FRONT -- NIGHT Heroine tends to her scratched arm. HEROINE I just took the eye out of the mother. She calculates, guiding the attacks. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT MOMMA BEAST flashes out from the dark. She's shorter than Teen, but much wider. She has a big mouth and NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC BOOBS that hang down to her waist. She covers her stabbed right eye and SCREECHES. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Heroine taps her right eye. HEROINE If you are face to face with her, dive left. ROADIE And the last one is the -- HEROINE Father. The biggest, the strongest... EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- NIGHT A blur of muscles, bloody fur, and teeth. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The entire bar stares at Heroine with their mouths agape. HEROINE No sign of any weaknesses. No sign at all. He's an eating machine. COACH Of all the friggin' bars to be stuck in. HEROINE That's not it. Four are here, but there's three others... which I can't account for. Heroine eyes the room. HEROINE We need to lock this place down. Is everyone in this room? TUFFY Oh my god! My son! My SON! Tuffy races toward the staircase to the SECOND FLOOR. HEROINE Wait! Tuffy is halfway up the stairs. TUFFY Cody! Mommy's coming! Mommy's coming! HEROINE Stop her! BARTENDER Hey! SECOND FLOOR Tuffy BURSTS through the door. Cody sits by the TV, unmoved. CODY Mommy -- Tuffy pulls Cody into her arms. Heroine and Bartender halt to guard the doorway. Heroine spots a SMALL PORTAL WINDOW. TUFFY Oh sweetheart! What was I thinking? Mommy is never gonna let you go! HEROINE Let's lock off this room. TUFFY (moving to exit) Never, ever, never. Never, ever, never, baby. I love you -- SMASH! Papa Beast BURSTS through the portal window and RIPS Cody's torso from Tuffy's grasp. Tuffy holds his DANGLING ARMS. Blood sprays everywhere. TUFFY NOOOOOOOO! Papa Beast LUNGES at Tuffy! Bartender SHOOTS, nailing Papa Beast. He hisses, but can't fit through the small window. Bartender aims again for a kill shot, but Papa Beast projectile vomits Cody's remains at Bartender. Papa Beast retracts out the portal window. Heroine SLAMS the wood shutters closed. Tuffy drops Cody's arms. Bug-eyed. She moves, zombie-like, to the staircase. Bartender follows, covered in Papa Beast's bile. Heroine locks the staircase door shut. HEROINE Damn it. MAIN BAR Beer Guy stares at the bile covered Bartender. BEER GUY Oh god... He hands him a towel. Tuffy slowly walks towards the rest of the patrons. The blood on her face and chest tells them what happened. The horror hits home. Heroine eyes the destroyed phone. COACH (to Tuffy) Are you -- Heroine puts a hand up to silence Coach. HEROINE Just let her be... please. (beat) Is that the only phone? Bartender emerges from the back holding a mess of plastic and wires. BARTENDER The back phone is wrecked, too. Trampy's eyes light up and she digs through her purse. BELLE This is really happening. I can't believe this is really happening. Grandpa and Grandma have calmly re-taken their seats. GRANDPA What'd you say? GRANDMA I didn't say anything. Bartender hesitantly tosses a wash towel over the Grandpa Beast head at the end of the bar. Para is awkwardly trying to fix the back of his wheelchair. Belle moves over to help and sees a mess of wires coming from the wheelchair's back rest. PARA Thank you, but I don't need any help -- BELLE What's this? A power magnet or something? PARA No. It's nothing. Belle puts together his scam with a smirk. BELLE I didn't peg you for a con man. PARA Hey, it pays more than the couch. BELLE Lots of stuff around here does. Trampy pulls out a CELLULAR PHONE from her purse. TRAMPY Here! The group looks over. Adulterer GRABS it. TRAMPY Hey! ADULTERER Back off! Beer Guy walks from behind the bar. BEER GUY So, what now? Did those things leave? BOZO Why don't you go check it out? BEER GUY Fuck no. ADULTERER (into cell phone) I have a signal! I have -- Diane? Diane listen to me... get the kids and get in the basement... do it right now... Trampy stares with grief in her eyes. ADULTERER I'll explain later. Not now! I'm at a bar... look... shut up! JUST SHUT UP AND GET IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT, DIANE! Diane! Diane?... Hello? Damn it! I lost the signal! Adulterer looks at the phone a bit dazed. ADULTERER Okay. Okay. Look now, I gotta get outta here! I gotta go! My wife... See my wife is alone... She could be in trouble. I GOTTA GO! He moves towards the front door. Heroine moves into his path. HEROINE I wouldn't do that. Adulterer, violently grabs Heroine to shove her away. ADULTERER Fuck you, bitch! Heroine nails Adulterer with THREE HITS to the chin, throat and chest, flipping him to the floor. She pulls a KNIFE from her belt buckle and has it under Adulterer's chin. HEROINE You can risk your life, but not mine! My daughter's no more than twenty miles from here waiting for me. I have just as much reason to leave this place as you do. But I also know that if they're here, then they're not there yet. Adulterer squirms. HEROINE You understand me? ADULTERER Get the fuck off... HEROINE You understand me!? ADULTERER Yes! HEROINE Now pull that tough boy shit again and I'll slice you from neck to nuts! Adulterer nods obediently. Heroine removes the knife from his neck and plants it back into her buckle. ADULTERER You can't keep me here. This is bullshit. Fuckin' bullshit. This is fucking BULLSHIT! HEROINE We can't risk letting them in. ADULTERER (trembling, pissed) Right. Adulterer takes his seat. He looks over at the half bald Trampy. She looks at him, hurt. At the bar, Bozo puts the TV back into place, he jiggles with some wires in the back, bringing back the picture. BOZO Anything? PARA Yeah, you got it. The bar takes notice. Trampy, cell phone in hand, paws through a phone book as she watches the broadcast. BELLE See! This has to be isolated. That's a local broadcast. ON TV: The Newscaster reads the teleprompter. NEWSCASTER And now, we head to our man on the scene with a live look at tomorrow's event in Red Mountain. Heroine eagerly looks on, moving closer to the TV. HEROINE My daughter's in Red Mountain. ON TV: There is an awkward pause from the Newscaster. The broadcast doesn't cut to the reporter. NEWSCASTER Can you hear us? Apparently we're having some technical difficulties... Heroine sinks in her skin. HEROINE Oh no. NEWSCASTER Oh, there we go! ON TV: A REPORTER, in an even worse suit, stands in a field with several people looking through telescopes. REPORTER That's right, the crowds are lining up early to witness tomorrow's meteorological phenomenon. Heroine sighs a gust of relief. REPORTER But always remember, don't look straight into the sun because a special filter is needed to avoid damaging your cornea. The Reporter beams. REPORTER And we're all looking forward to it tomorrow. Back to you. In the studio, the Newscaster smirks. NEWSCASTER Thank you. And in other news... Roadie points to the TV. ROADIE That studio's local, we can call in. BOSS MAN I have a short wave radio upstairs. Trampy is already dialing on the cell. TRAMPY I'm calling them... it's ringing! ROADIE They'd have a police scanner. TRAMPY (into cell) Hello? Yes, we're at the United -- ON TV: the Newscaster continues his routine. NEWSCASTER ...it has been reported that the power outage -- A Beast arm REACHES in and TEARS off Newscaster's jaw. The bar gasps in horror as his blood sprays. ZAP! The broadcast cuts out, turning to static. Trampy screams and DROPS the cell, SHATTERING on impact. TRAMPY Oh no! Oh fucking no! Heroine, tense, quells the rising panic. HEROINE Keep it together! I came from the east. That studio is south of here. For all we know, north and west are okay. ROADIE An associate of mine was coming in from the north, ain't heard a word from him in hours. HEROINE So, that leaves the west. Tuffy looks up from a booth, clearing her throat. TUFFY And Red Mountain. Your daughter. Heroine looks over, making eye contact. HEROINE Right. BEER GUY This is goddamn depressing. At the door, Heroine slides a thick metal pole through the double door handles and takes out the Rust Red shotgun. BOSS MAN I've got some tools and extra planks in the kitchen, if we're on the same page here. HEROINE Let's work. INT. BAR -- NIGHT The last board is hammered into place as the survivors back away from the now re-enforced bar. BARTENDER We'll it ain't pretty... BOSS MAN But its got teeth. BAM-BAM-BAM! Junior Beast bangs around in the ice cooler. BOZO I think it's hungry again. HEROINE We have to kill it. (to Boss Man) Can you help? Boss Man hobbles over to the cooler and aims his .38. Junior Beast goes wild, trying to get out. BOSS MAN Fire in the hole! Bullets rip through the cooler. Junior squeals. More shots. Casings hit the ground. Smoke rises. Bozo leans in. BOZO I think we got -- RAH! A tiny white arm fires out from the cooler GRABBING Bozo's leg. Bozo yelps. Moving quick, Tuffy grabs The Judge from Bartender and shoves the barrel into a hole. BLAM! Guts splatter. Bozo falls back unscathed. He catches his breath and looks to Tuffy. She is born again, seething. TUFFY You're welcome. She hands the shotgun back to Bartender. TRAMPY Jesus, it took all that? All those bullets? How can we possibly fight off the others? HEROINE Aim for their orifices. Eyes, ears and mouth. From what I've seen, it's their only weakness. ROADIE (looking at the corpse) Looks like they're soft on the inside like any other animal. Trick is to get in there and do the damage. BELLE Maybe we don't have to fight them. BOZO Right, let's just call 'em names. Coach steps forward, poised to make the sale. COACH Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention. The bar skeptically eyes the large, sweaty Greek man. COACH We have to think outside the box here. We don't need to fight them, we need to scare them. Scare them right back. This is a species stand- off. We just need to show them we're not vulnerable. That we're formidable. ADULTERER How? COACH I need a stick. Bartender opens the cooler's lid and carefully pulls out Junior Beast with salad tongs. It falls to the floor with a SPLAT. Coach grabs a splintered broomstick. COACH Stand back. He buries the broomstick into Junior's side and carries the limp carcass towards a covered hole in the wall. COACH Let's get that board down. Roadie pries off a board to reveal a pumpkin sized hole. HEROINE What are you doing? Coach shoves Junior's mangled body through to the outside. COACH Showing superiority. The scent of their dead may drive them away. The whole bar moves to the side wall to see how the Beast family will react. They look through SMALL HOLES, barely able to see anything. BEER GUY I don't see them. COACH Come on. Come onnnnnn. BELLE Is there a call, or something? BOZO See that you monkey fucks! That's what you get when you mess with us! Woman or man, I don't give a fuck! Shit don't make me gay because you'll be sucking my dick! Bozo's insult hangs in the air. PARA Sweet... P.O.V - THROUGH SMALL HOLES WHOOSH! Junior is swiped from the handmade pike. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Coach jerks back. The startled group tries to focus, but it's too dark outside. With the moon as the only light, Father Beast can barely be made out cradling his dead child. Silhouettes of the other family members slowly approach Junior. Papa Beast is gentle and it's almost endearing. BEER GUY It's working. I think it's working. COACH You see? What I tell you? The whole group starts to ease. Then... Papa Beast HOLLERS. P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES Papa Beast lets out a HORRID WAIL. The group jumps back, covering their ears. Then, something really odd happens. Momma tosses Junior in the air, opens her wide jaws and SWALLOWS HIM WHOLE. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Adulterer's eyes widen. ADULTERER Good christ! They're cannibals! COACH Oh dear... P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES Papa Beast moves behind Momma Beast and grabs hold of her. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS A steady "thud-thud-thud" rhythm vibrates the bar. Grandpa's drink starts to hop to edge of his table with the beats. The group maneuvers to get a better look. TRAMPY Oh... my... god. PARA What are they doing now? P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES Yes, Momma Beast and Papa Beast are having MONSTER SEX. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS BOZO Dude, they're humpin'! P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES Unlike humans, Papa Beast finishes and the birth cycle lasts all of thirty seconds. Momma Beast's belly balloons up and she squats. POP! A SLIMY OBJECT the size and shape of a vacuum cleaner drops from her. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Trampy VOMITS. P.O.V. - THROUGH SMALL HOLES The slimy object SPLITS in half. The two halves spring appendages and raise their heads. The TWIN SISTER BEASTS have been born. Papa moves forward and cleans off his new baby girls. The Beast Girls look at the bar and hiss in unison. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Heroine's eyes bulge. HEROINE Get back! SLAM-SLAM! The two hissing Beast Girls strike the bar front. Roadie shoves that board back over the hole. Beer Guy is holding back the still heaving Trampy's hair. BOZO Any more ideas, Animal Planet? COACH I-I-I was just being proactive... BEER GUY (to Bozo) Hey, you weren't helpin'! BOZO Go douche. BARTENDER What the hell now? ADULTERER We're stuck in here. That's what. Bozo pops open a beer off the back of Para's wheelchair. Roadie nods to Grandpapa Beast's head on the end of the bar. ROADIE Hey, Miss? Heroine turns. ROADIE If you don't mind me asking, how did you run into these things? BOSS MAN More importantly, how did you run away from these things? HEROINE Well, it all started about forty hours ago... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- EVENING The orange sun melts into the horizon. INT. FARMHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Hero and his overweight friend TUBBS (35, hard living career farm hand) laugh at a TV show while Heroine paces on the telephone in the background. HEROINE (into phone) So, how is staying with Grandma working out? Ya know, if you stare into her glasses, you can see what cards she is holding. But I didn't tell you that. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- CONTINUOUS There's a home on the horizon with a big barn next to it. Shrieking and flapping grows in the distance. INT. FARMHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Heroine starts to peek out of the window. HEROINE Mommy will pick you up tomorrow night, okay baby? The phone cuts out. HEROINE Hello? Charlie? Heroine and Hero look at each other with concern. Hero looks out the window. HERO Holy mother of... INT. BAR -- NIGHT Heroine has the group mesmerized. HEROINE We barricaded ourselves in the cellar. Then it was just listening. We heard those things destroy an entire heard of livestock. They just kept coming. Closer and closer, consuming anything in the way. Slashing, feeding and licking the bones clean. Just when we said our prayers, the first ray of sun hit the house... EXT. FARMHOUSE -- MORNING PLOP! A HORSE'S HEAD falls as Heroine and her companions peek out from the damaged cellar door. INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE That first beam of sunlight drove 'em away. Somewhere. We called who we could and then decided to run for it. We didn't see a soul the whole drive out. When the tank went dry, we came upon a gas station to refill. EXT. PRAIRIE LAND -- LATE DAY The sun is falling into the horizon. The traveler's CAMARO pulls into a small gas station EXT. GAS STATION -- CONTINUOUS Heroine goes up to the service window with Tubbs and looks inside. Nobody. There is a slight BUZZING from inside. Hero hollers from the fuel pump by the car. HERO What's goin' on? The pumps are off. TUBBS There's nobody here -- She follows the buzzing sound to a corner of the room. There is a swarm of black flies crawling over half a STATION ATTENDANT'S gutted torso. HEROINE They've been here! HERO Turn on the pump! Glass shatters as Heroine reaches inside to turn on the pumps. INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE We had no time. All we knew was the sun was dropping and we had to get enough fuel to make it through the night at 90 miles per hour... EXT. GAS STATION -- LATE DAY Hero fills their Camaro. HERO Suck it down you metal bitch. Suck it down. INT. GAS STATION -- CONTINUOUS Heroine and Tubbs hastily grabs food and drinks, ignoring the cash register completely. The sun is setting. EXT. GAS STATION -- CONTINUOUS Hero turns as a shrill HISSING comes from the shadows... INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE It happened fast... EXT. GAS STATION -- LATE DAY Heroine and Tubbs emerge from the gas station shop. HERO Move it! Heroine and Tubbs hear the growing cries of the Beasts. Their loot hits the pavement as they run. HERO Get in the car, baby. Hero drops the spilling gas nozzle. Tubbs slides into the back as Heroine jumps into the driver's seat. Hero runs over the top of the Camaro and slides into the sunroof. He grabs a rifle and aims toward the leaking gas pool. Something rises in the gas station. INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE That's when I saw three others... just for a second. EXT. GAS STATION -- SUNSET Three lean, muscular shapes rise from the shadows. HERO Roll! Heroine fires up the car and tears out. Hero shoots and the station becomes a FIREBALL. INT. CAMARO -- CONTINUOUS HEROINE Close the roof! Hero lowers into the back seat and starts to close the roof as STRIPPED COUSIN BEAST lands on top of the car... HERO Shit! Stripped Cousin Beast PUNCHES through the back window, reaching for them. Heroine jerks the wheel. The car 180's and the Beast sails off of the car into darkness. The Camaro tears down a tangent dirt road. HERO We made it! Hero reaches back to give a "five" to Tubbs. Tubbs doesn't respond. Heroine is the first to see Tubbs' quivering, HEADLESS body in the back seat. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Heroine stands near Grandpa Beast's head. HEROINE It must have smelled the blood or something. We buried the body and got back on the main road when... INT. CAMARO -- NIGHT BOOM! Grandpa Beast LANDS on the front hood of the Camaro. Heroine and Hero SCREAM and rev the engine, swerving madly as Grandpa Beast VOMITS on the windshield. HERO Break! Heroine slams on the breaks. Grandpa Beast slides back, holding onto the grill. HERO Go! Go! Go! Grandpa Beast tears into the engine through the grill as sparks and smoke shoot out. Heroine jerks the steering wheel. HERO Look out! INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE And that's how I ended up here. BARTENDER And the head? INT. CAMARO -- NIGHT The car crashes into a ditch, DECAPITATING Grandpa Beast. His head FIRES through the windshield, landing on Heroine's lap. Its snake-like tongue lashes out at Heroine's crotch. INT. BAR -- NIGHT HEROINE I don't want to talk about that. BARTENDER So, your husband ditched you? HEROINE No. It was wild out there. No time to think. We just moved. He didn't leave me. He just ran. BARTENDER Well, justice is funny. Para wheels over to a COUNTY MAP on the side wall. ROADIE The three from the gas pump are over at the TV station? And you say there's four here, huh? HEROINE It appears so. COACH There's five here now, actually. BOZO Yeah, thanks for that. PARA (to Heroine) Hey, you lived on a farm, right? HEROINE Yeah. ADULTERER Do you think they're gone? I haven't heard anything for a while, maybe they're gone. BELLE Well, maybe they migrate? HEROINE As long as it's dark, they're around. They hide, wait for you to drop your guard, and then attack. TRAMPY How can you be so sure? You said yourself this started a day ago. HEROINE We learned fast. BOZO We? We learned fast? You are all that is left of we. No offense Pocohantas, but I think someone else should play "Chief" tonight. Someone that knows the lay of the land. (beat) Like me. HEROINE Fine. Para stares intently at the map. Adulterer moves over to the window that has shutters over it, peeking through a hole. ADULTERER Maybe these things are like locusts or something and only come out for a few days to feed. This could just be a part of their life cycle. BELLE Somebody's gotta know something about these things. This stuff just doesn't happen out of the blue. The room is silent. Bozo looks around, quickly moving towards Grandpa and Grandma. BOZO You! GRANDPA Wha? BOZO You gotta know somethin', you're old. GRANDPA I don't know a thing. BOZO Old people know stuff like this. Legends, tall tales, shit like that. GRANDPA No! BOZO Spill it! GRANDPA I don't know anything! BOZO (to Grandma) How 'bout you? Or do I have to get rough? GRANDMA Heavens no! BOZO Come on! Think back! GRANDPA If I throw a stick, will you go away? BOZO That's just horse shit. HEROINE Relax, they don't know anything. BOZO Yeah... allegedly. Bozo saunters off. PARA (to Heroine) Hey, where was your farm? HEROINE (points to map) East. Why? PARA Did you ever slaughter? Slaughter livestock? HEROINE Previous owners did, I think. COACH What are you talking about? PARA Slaughterhouse run-off used to be drained into piping that ran through the mountains. Para points along the map as he explains. PARA Earthquakes often cracked the piping and those flow lines were condemned, but never drained. COACH Cheese n' rice... TRAMPY I still don't get it. PARA What I am saying is... there's a distinct possibility that what we are up against is the result of steady stream of blood and tissue that has been leaking into the caves. And a day ago... something broke out. The group is silent. BOZO The first order of business is gettin' a big fuckin' tampon in that cave! PARA Nope, that wouldn't do it. FROM ADULTERER'S P.O.V. - He peeks out the hole and sees nothing but the dark night. Bartender eyes him. BARTENDER I wouldn't do that. BOZO They're probably on to the next buffet by now. There's a retirement home up the road, they'd be easy pickings. HEROINE (to Adulterer) Careful. ADULTERER I'm telling you, I don't see a thing -- BOINK! Papa Beast's claw POKES into his eye. Adulterer JERKS away holding his blood squirting eye socket. FROM OUTSIDE P.O.V. - The eye sees its owner stumble back and fall to the floor holding his face. INSIDE Coach and Trampy move to help Adulterer. FROM OUTSIDE The eyeball fires into Papa's drooling mega-mouth. SLURP! INSIDE BASH! A Beast arm BURSTS through the side wall and SNAGS Coach's pants and boxers. He screams and lunges forward. He is BOTTOMLESS. HEROINE Everyone stay in the middle of the room! Off the walls! NOW! Everyone obeys her command to get in the middle of the room. Belle hands Coach a little menu to cover himself with. HEROINE Now, does everyone agree that they are still out there? The group nods. HEROINE (to Bozo) 'Eh, Chief? BOZO ...Duh. Trampy holds Adulterer's wounded head. TRAMPY He's out cold. BELLE I know some first aid if we have a kit. Do we? BOSS MAN In the kitchen, under the sink. HEROINE No one goes anywhere alone. Least of all, unarmed. TUFFY (to Coach) There's some sweats in my bag behind the bar. COACH Thanks. Coach heads to the bar. Roadie moves to the map near Para. ROADIE You're a clever man. (re: Bozo) Why do you take shit from him? PARA Yeah, he's an ass, but he's my brother. Que sera-sera. ROADIE Your brother, huh? PARA Yep. ROADIE Same parents? PARA Look man, I read books. He reads bumper stickers. Roadie nods. Heroine jerks a bottle of booze from Beer Guy and tosses it out. HEROINE Alright, we need to stay alert and for everyone to take a role. (to Boss Man) You gotta have some guns or weapons around here. Boss Man, pale and morphine pumped, sits at a table with his foot raised. BOSS MAN I got my .38 here. That's six shots and two refills. Downstairs, I have locker with a sawed-off and some gardening tools. Maybe a few boxes of shells. BARTENDER I got shells, too. Box and a half tops. Machete behind the bar. HEROINE Okay, well that's something. ROADIE So we've got guns, kitchen knives, pipes, fire and sticks. Beer Guy scans the stocked bar wall. BEER GUY I might be able to do something with the bottles. GRANDPA You're gonna need a whole lot more than that to get outta here alive. The crowd turns to face Grandpa and his wife. BOZO Oh, now you have something to say? Grandpa holds on to Grandma's hand as he speaks. GRANDPA You young'uns worry about weapons, I'm thinkin' 'bout strategy. BOZO Oh? And what's that? GRANDPA Sit still, look less like a meal. BOZO That's for bears and sharks, chunky chew. The group looks back to Heroine. HEROINE Alright, what else do we have? Can we somehow contact the outside world? Trampy pensively stays on her fractured phone. TRAMPY I can't get anybody. I don't even know if I have a signal anymore. BEER GUY I have a CB in my truck, we could get some help out here. BARTENDER Who the hell would you call? BEER GUY Anyone. BOZO Do you drive a short beer bus or something? You go out there, you get eaten. You stay in here, you get eaten. Anyone comes to help, they get eaten. Don't you see a pattern here, Spuds Makenzie? BEER GUY Then I guess we should just give up. BOZO (re: Trampy) Believe me, I'd love to save the day and get some heroic snatch, but it's not in the cards, partner. HEROINE (to Boss Man) You said you had a short wave radio. TRAMPY Where? BARTENDER Upstairs. BOSS MAN Go for it. It's by the far wall. Channel 9 is the emergency frequency. HEROINE Good. I'm heading to the basement for supplies. (to Bozo) And you're going upstairs. Bozo blinks. A little taken aback. BOZO Let's not get carried away... HEROINE Step up, Chief. BOZO So that's how it is? (hands out) Fine! Shotgun, please. Bartender hands him The Judge. BOZO (to Bartender) You're coming with, portly. 'Cause if I'm attacked, I want a fat man close by. BARTENDER I'll wait by the door. BOZO Now who else is comin'? No one budges. GRANDPA (rising from his seat) I'll go with ya. BOZO What are you gonna do? Throw your teeth at 'em? Sit down, Cocoon. Bartender moves to the back of the bar, grabbing his machete. At the same moment, Coach emerges from behind the bar in very snug, feminine-looking pink sweat pants. BOZO You! Zorba! You're coming too! (to Heroine) Now gimme the keys. Heroine tosses the keys to Bartender. HEROINE No. You're locked in. BOZO What? HEROINE Those two will be on the other side waiting for you. If you become food, I don't want the only set of keys in the belly of one of those things. BOZO Don't get your hopes up. Bozo moves to the staircase. There's blood at the bottom and it gets worse with each step. Bartender and Coach follow. Heroine turns to the bar. HEROINE Any volunteers to head into the basement with me? TUFFY I will. Tuffy stands, sniffling. She wipes the tears from her eyes, looking tough and resolute. BEER GUY That's not a good idea. BOSS MAN With what happened upstairs -- TUFFY Shut up! Shut your mouth. You have no idea what is running through me right now. No idea. (to Heroine) I'm ready. HEROINE Alright. ROADIE Count me in. BEER GUY Me too. Heroine, Tuffy, Roadie, and Beer Guy all move to the basement. The door creaks open slowly. The group descends. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bozo slightly slips on the blood. He grips the railing and pulls himself up the staircase like an old man. BOZO Alright you two, I don't want to hear any of this, "oh, I dropped the key, wrong key, ain't no key here." When I want out, I want out, ok? BARTENDER (displaying keys) They're right here. COACH We've got your back, bro. They unlock the door, swinging it open. BOZO Just keep 'em handy, ladies. Bartender has the key in the thick dead bolt, ready to move. SECOND FLOOR Bozo hustles in. The door shuts and locks. BOZO Wish me luck... WHAM! Bozo is on the ground. OUTSIDE THE DOOR BOZO (O.S.) I'm okay! I'm okay! SECOND FLOOR Bozo rises and nervously surveys the damaged floor. BOZO Come on. Come on. Come on. Bozo jumps when he sees the gore and the bloody shoes from Cody's attack. The TV illuminates the room. BOZO Geeezzzus. (moving gingerly) Okay, now. Easy steps. Easy breaths. Easy steps. MAIN BAR Belle kneels next to the Boss Man. BELLE How are you holding up? BOSS MAN Well... He pulls a bottle out of his pocket and hands it to her. BELLE What is this? BOSS MAN Morphine. My magic potion. I need a few drops. She puts a few drops on his out-stretched tongue. BOSS MAN You should try a little, it'll calm your nerves. Works like a charm. BELLE No other time than now, right? BOSS MAN Wait, before you do that, help me move. There's a small room off the kitchen where I can lay down. BELLE But -- BOSS MAN It's much safer in there. Trust me. BASEMENT The basement is dark, dingy and scattered with crap. Dried out ANIMAL CARCASSES hang from the ceiling on hooks. A WINDOW is open. Roadie slams it shut, eyeing the room, staring into the dark corners. ROADIE Stay on your toes everybody. Tuffy tightly grips her weapon, ready to fire. Heroine kneels next to a hatch door that emits a red glow. HEROINE What's this? Roadie jams a pipe into the little door, bracing it shut. ROADIE You don't need to know what that is. Beer Guy finds the dusty locker and opens it. BEER GUY There's a sawed-off shotgun in here. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bartender and Coach have their ears pressed to the door. COACH Come on, bro. Behind them, through a boarded window, something CRAWLS upward. SECOND FLOOR Bozo moves turtle slow. BOZO Lamaze. Lamaze. Lamaze. He moves to the Boss Man's private room. He puts his hand out to open it. Trembling, he touches the knob and... CREEEEEEEEAK! The door eases open. Bozo steps inside the room. He moves over to a lamp and pulls the chain. A bat FLIES off the lamp shade SCREECHING. Bozo falls backwards. BOZO HAAAA! OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bartender and Coach jump back. SECOND FLOOR Bozo gets off the floor again. He may have filled his pants. BOZO Just a bat! I'm okay! Just a bat! OUTSIDE THE DOOR BARTENDER If he doesn't shut up... COACH He is human kabob. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN The room is like a converted pantry. Boss Man lies on a cot, kissing Belle. A tiny wall fan spins providing ventilation. Belle pulls away and brushes back her long hair. BELLE Doesn't your foot hurt? BOSS MAN I can't feel a thing, Hon. BELLE (touching his crotch) How 'bout now? BOSS MAN You're a bad girl, aren't you. Belle, a bit high, sways and starts to remove her clothes. BELLE Um-hmmm. BOSS MAN The girl's got rhythm. She takes off her blouse and tosses it at him. She then lifts up her skirt and bends over, giggling. BOSS MAN There it is. BASEMENT Roadie emerges with two crates. He dumps them on the floor. ROADIE This is all junk. Beer Guy holds a rusted machete. BEER GUY This could come in handy. HEROINE Let's get everything upstairs. Heroine moves to the stairs, but stops. She grabs Tuffy by the arm and takes her aside. HEROINE I'm sorry. TUFFY Don't worry, I'm fine. Really. HEROINE I admire your strength. TUFFY Trust me, I plan on having a full breakdown when this is over, but for now, we all have to be strong, right? Heroine reaches into her shirt and pulls out an IDENTICAL LOCKET as Tuffy's. She opens it and displays a picture of a LITTLE GIRL. HEROINE This is my daughter, Charlie. She's all I'm after. TUFFY (fighting back tears) Oh... HEROINE And I'm gonna need your strength, every bit of it. TUFFY You have it. HEROINE Good. But still do me a favor. TUFFY Name it. HEROINE (with a wink) Don't tell anyone I have a soft side. TUFFY (tiny smile) Deal. SECOND FLOOR Bozo turns and points the gun around the room. He sees the CB. It is like an intercom with a cable running outside. He drops the shotgun and fidgets with the CB knobs. BOZO Hello? Anyone there? We need help out here at the United Nations Tavern. Send guns, tanks, and all that shit. 10-4. S.O.S. All he gets is static. A faint GROWL is heard outside. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bartender hears the growl, his eyes grow wide. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Belle rubs her hands over her rounded ass and flicks her tongue at Boss Man. BELLE You wanna see, baby? BOSS MAN Hell yeah. BELLE How much you got? BOSS MAN How much I got, what? BELLE How much you got to see the show? BOSS MAN You don't understand, sweety. Daddy doesn't pay. Daddy sees the show for free. But you do get points for being horny on a night like this. She cringes and backs up a little. BELLE What? BOSS MAN You can't expect a man to buy a car without a test drive first, can you? BELLE Um, hmm -- BOSS MAN Now wiggle that sweet little ass over here and sit on Daddy's face, I wanna do some appraising. SECOND FLOOR Bozo barks into the CB. BOZO Repeat. We need help. SOS. Calling all cars! Calling all cars! We need help at the United Nations Tav -- The CB is JERKED from Bozo's hands and slams into the wall. BOZO Shit! Bozo aims the gun at the wall. Chewing sounds begin. BOZO Double shit! He backs up to the door. OUTSIDE THE DOOR BOZO (O.S.) Okay, I'm ready to come out now! Bartender confidently turns the key. CLICK! It breaks off in the lock. BARTENDER Oh! SECOND FLOOR BOZO "OH!?" WHAT IS "OH?" What does "oh" mean? Bozo knocks on the door hard. BOZO HEY! OPEN IT!!! OUTSIDE THE DOOR Bartender looks to Coach. BARTENDER Wha? SECOND FLOOR BOZO OPEN THE DOOR!!! A thunderous CRASH! Boards fly off the wall. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Belle, hearing the crash, jerks back from Boss Man. BELLE What was that? CRASH! Sister Beast #1 and Sister Beast #2 punch through the tiny wall fan and GRAB Belle by the scalp. She is JERKED against the wall. She's slammed against it repeatedly and then -- RIP! Belle's skin is TORN from her head and torso. Boss Man jumps back. BOSS MAN Hoh-SHIT! Help!! Help me!!! Belle falls into Boss Man's arms for a HIDEOUS KISS. BOSS MAN NO! NO! NO! Boss Man shoves the bloody Belle back against the wall. Sister Beast #1 pokes her head inside the room, hissing. MAIN BAR Heroine and the others, just returning from the basement, hear the mayhem from upstairs and the kitchen. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Coach fumbles desperately with the jammed lock, trying to use his fingernails to turn the metal stump. COACH Great god, why do you damn me?! SECOND FLOOR Bozo bangs on the door and looks over his shoulder at the Momma and Papa Beast chomping at the wall. BOZO GET ME OUTTA HERE!!! MAIN BAR The group is mesmerized. PARA Oh please, no. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Boss Man uses the cot to block the Sister Beasts from entering. They hiss and shred the cot fabric. BOSS MAN They're getting in! Somebody help! SECOND FLOOR Bozo kicks and punches the door. BOZO HELP!!! GODDAMN IT!!! MAIN BAR Heroine charges up the staircase. Roadie rips the sawed-off weapon from Beer Guy and runs for the kitchen. OUTSIDE THE DOOR BARTENDER The key broke off! HEROINE (to Coach) Move it! Heroine rips the earring from Bartender's ear. He YELPS. She jams the backing into the lock. SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Boss Man crawls for the door. Sister Beast #1 fires out a whip-like tongue and snags Boss Man's damaged foot. He howls in pain. Sister Beast #2 tongue-lasso's his other foot. OUTSIDE THE DOOR Heroine's picking fingers are bleeding from her effort. BOZO (O.S.) HELP ME PLEASE!!! SMALL ROOM OFF KITCHEN Boss Man is pulled towards the Sister Beasts. BOSS MAN HELLLLLP!!! Roadie kicks open the door and FIRES at the Sisters. They dive back out of the room screeching. SECOND FLOOR BOZO HELLLLLLLLP!!! Right behind Bozo, the boards fly off the portal window. Papa Beast flies at Bozo. Bozo spins and aimlessly FIRES his shotgun, hitting Papa Beast directly in the groin. The door flies open. Bozo is YANKED to safety just as Papa STRIKES the closing door. MAIN BAR The patrons track the wild CRASHING and HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING sounds of Papa Beast. He finally breaks out of the upstairs. Beer Guy and Roadie carry Boss Man into the room as Coach, Bartender, Heroine and the shaken Bozo creep down the stairs. Bozo slowly takes a seat in his brother's lap. PARA I thought that was it for a second there. TRAMPY What happened? BOZO I got Papa in the stones. (beat) He's neutered. PARA Whoa... good one... ROADIE That back room is sealed shut. Heroine glares at Boss Man. HEROINE I told you to stay in the main room. BOSS MAN Yeah... I will. I will. Promise. Coach eyes the group, this is his time to shine. COACH (rising, full of brawn) If they can't reproduce anymore -- we are one step closer! A big step! Now is the time to band together. We need to rise up against these monsters of the night! Those creatures are no match for the human spirit! We can do it! We just need to believe in each other! In all of us! We need to make a stand! Right here! Right now! Long silence. Bozo stares. BOZO Dude, are you gay? Coach sits down, humbled. HEROINE We know what not to do. We must stay focused and together. The beasts will find a breach. We gotta find a way out before they find a way in. TUFFY Let's run for the cars, cause mass confusion. BARTENDER The lot's too damn far, that's surefire suicide. The room is silent. Bartender motions to Boss Man, but he is promptly shushed by Boss Man. Heroine notices. HEROINE (to Boss Man) What? BOSS MAN What? HEROINE You know what. BOSS MAN I don't know shit. HEROINE (to Roadie) You. What was that door downstairs? BOSS MAN Wait, wait, wait. Heroine glares at Roadie. HEROINE Don't bullshit me. BARTENDER It's a tunnel. Roadie nods, causing Boss Man to sigh. BARTENDER It runs about a hundred yards and spits out on the backside of that hill down the way. HEROINE What's it for? They clam up. HEROINE What's it for!? BOSS MAN Grass, man. I grow pot down there. HEROINE Does the tunnel spit out near a car? BOSS MAN It spits out behind the parking lot. BOSS MAN My truck is near, but it ain't nearly big enough to haul the whole lot. HEROINE It's a shot. Is it gassed up? BOSS MAN Fully. HEROINE Four door? BOSS MAN Two. HEROINE How many can it hold? BOSS MAN Six. HEROINE Max? BOSS MAN Seven. HEROINE It's gonna fit thirteen. BOSS MAN Thirteen clowns wouldn't fit. HEROINE (with hand out) Keys. ROADIE What're you planning? HEROINE Three of us go. Two to defend, one to drive. We back up to the bar and then tear ass out of here. BOSS MAN Sounds sketchy. HEROINE Let me make this clear; if we stay, we die. Boss Man reluctantly pulls out some keys that are on a string around his neck. ROADIE Give 'em to me, I'm going. BARTENDER You're trusting that con? He'll ditch us and never look back. ROADIE Fuck you too. BARTENDER Get in line! HEROINE Hey! I'm not trusting him either, that's why I'm going with. Coach stands forward. COACH "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." (off blank stares) The Duke. I will go. HEROINE This is it. They have this place surrounded, but if we go under them we might just make it. BARTENDER This is a bottleneck waiting to happen. SMACK! Bozo SLAPS Coach's ass. BOZO This one's great under pressure. I wish you luck. HEROINE The rest of you prepare the weapons, whatever you got left. 'Cause when we crash through those walls, we're bringin' death with us. Heroine takes The Judge from Bartender and hands it to Coach. COACH No, I don't believe in guns. BARTENDER This ain't time for a political stance. Coach takes the rusty machete from Beer Guy. COACH This doesn't run out of ammo. BARTENDER Got ya. Heroine, Roadie, and Coach move to the basement. BOZO Hey! The three look to Bozo, who offers a parting nod. BOZO When you get to that truck... drive it like you stole it. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS At a booth, Trampy re-bandages Adulterer's eye. TRAMPY How does it feel? ADULTERER Lousy. TRAMPY You still have one left. ADULTERER Yes, the silver lining. TRAMPY It serves you right for cheating. ADULTERER Spare me. TRAMPY I figure it's karma. You wronged me and you wronged your wife, so this is karma biting you on the ass, or in your case... in the eye. Bozo moves close, surveying the bandage work. BOZO Oh yeah? TRAMPY It could be worse, you could be dead. Then again, the climax is upon us. BOZO (re: Trampy's hair) Ya know, that's not a bad look on you. Kinda 1985, but not bad. I'd hook it up. TRAMPY I wouldn't fuck you for practice. BOZO Tease. ADULTERER Leave her alone. BOZO Hey, cyclops. Let's have a quiet contest... starting now. Bozo turns his attention back to Trampy. BOZO Ya know, in situations of duress, I have found that women are attracted to my authority. INT. BAR -- BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS Heroine, Roadie, and Coach make their way through the basement. Creeks and cracks with every step. ROADIE (to Heroine) You handle yourself pretty well. You a cop or a criminal? HEROINE Neither. Just a farmer. ROADIE Oh yeah? Then how do you do it? HEROINE I just think about my husband and daughter... and the rest is easy. The light casts a shadow of something BEHIND THE CURTAIN. Roadie moves to open the curtain with his sawed-off barrel. HEROINE Easy. WHIP! The curtain slides. It's a dried animal hide on a hook. They all sigh. Roadie unblocks the tiny door. Heroine scans the room. ROADIE This place is creepy in the daytime, too. Ready? Coach's hand shakes as he raises his weapon. ROADIE Scared? COACH No. You? ROADIE Of course not. I fight monsters all the time. (gripping the door) On three. Roadie, Heroine raise their weapons. COACH One... two... three!!! Roadie whips open the door. Nothing. BANG-GONG-GONG! Some pipes CRASH to the ground next to them... they jump, but nothing is there. A LITTLE MOUSE emerges from the fallen heap. COACH Well, look at that. Coach leans down and puts out his hand. He smiles as Heroine watches over his shoulder. COACH Hey, little fella. HEROINE Let's go. He leaves the mouse and follows Heroine to the tunnel. SLURP! A pink tongue LASSOS the mouse. A red fluorescent glow radiates from the tunnel. They all drop in, one by one, entering the steamy, confined space. COACH Looks like a brothel for plants. ROADIE Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Tuffy stands by a far wall, looking through the planks for movement. At the bar, Beer Guy makes MOLOTOV COCKTAILS. Bozo moves close, slaps Beer Guy's constructing hand. BOZO Ah-ah-ah! You're doing that all wrong! BEER GUY What do you know? BOZO I know you're doing it wrong. BEER GUY Prove it. Bozo grabs a cloth rag and moves to the alcohol bottles. BOZO Move aside, princess. INT. TUNNEL -- NIGHT The tunnel is thin and no more than SIX FEET HIGH. Cherry red fluorescent lights line the top of the tunnel and kneehigh marijuana plants are along the ground soil. There are thick pipes above the plants that work as a makeshift watering system. There is about six inches of water on the floor. COACH (to Roadie) You and I are similar. We both have accents. We both travel a lot. We both don't really have homes... ROADIE You should be quiet. COACH I am sorry, I ramble when I'm nervous. HEROINE Quiet. Coach bites his lip, dying to say something. COACH It's just that this seems like the opportune time for someone to be horribly... offed. ROADIE What did I say? COACH Sorry. I'm done now. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Bozo stuffs the cloth rag into one of the bottles. BOZO You don't want the rag touching booze, that way you can hold it and ensure it explodes when you throw it. PARA You sure? I thought the rag had to touch? BOZO I'm sure. Bozo finishes the Molotov cocktail and grabs a beer. BOZO Perfecto. What we should do, though, is put those peanut barrels to use. Fill 'em with booze and line up some planks. If the walls come down... we hit 'em Donkey Kong style. Para and Beer Guy eye the three large peanut barrels, perfect for bomb-making. PARA Genius. BEER GUY You aren't nearly as dumb as you look, are you? BOZO Next time, look within. Stereotyping can be ugly and hurtful. Bozo looks to Trampy, putting an arm around her shoulder. BOZO Excuse me for being forward, but I'm curious about your dimensions. INT. TUNNEL -- NIGHT Roadie leads the way and glares at the opposite end. The tunnel slightly curves, so he can't see the whole way down. ROADIE Hold up. You hear something? A SCRATCHING sound is heard from above. ROADIE They're trying to burrow through the tunnel walls. HEROINE Move. The scratching sound increases, now heard from the far end of the tunnel as well. COACH Like moles these things. Then, Sister Beast #1 drops into the tunnel from the far end. She charges. At the last second, Roadie spots her. ROADIE Duck! Roadie and Coach duck into the water, but Heroine is unable to avoid a thrust that knocks her back ten yards. Sister Beast #1 lands and turns, surveying her prey. Roadie aims his water-dripping gun, but Heroine rises and blocks his shot. ROADIE Stay down! From her knees, Heroine fires. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! The three shots push Sister Beast #1 backwards. Heroine rises, covered in muddy water and bleeding from a cut across the face. HEROINE Go! The bitch is mine! Roadie and Coach reluctantly turn, leaving Heroine to fend with the Beast. Heroine charges. Hissing, Sister Beast #1 charges as well. Heroine pumps and fires. BOOM! Sister Beast spins, avoiding the shot. Now too close, Heroine jams the Beast in the mouth with the gun, knocking her back. Sister Beast #1 responds with a swipe and chomp on the arm. Heroine bats her away. Sister Beast #1 moves to the others. HEROINE Look out! Roadie and Coach sprint until Sister Beast #2 BURSTS through the tunnel walls, stopping Roadie and Coach in their tracks. Roadie fires his weapon, but it sparks and fizzles. ROADIE The shells are wet! With the two Beasts closing in. The men are trapped. Coach looks around, seeing a plan. COACH Grab onto ceiling and get out of water! ROADIE What? COACH Do it!!! Grabbing onto the piping along the ceiling, Roadie pulls himself from the water. Coach uses the machete to cut a power cord from above. He grabs the exposed, sparking end. COACH (to Heroine) Get out of water!!! Heroine sees what he's doing, sprints back the way they came. As the two Beasts charge, Coach pulls himself out of the water by holding onto the above piping. He's forced to wait for Heroine to get out of the water. The second she does, he jams the cord into the water. ZAP! The conductive water sizzles. Sister Beast #1 and Sister Beast #2 lock up and crash. ELECTROCUTION. Sparks and smoke rises from their cooked bodies. Roadie and Coach look to each other, victorious. They begin shimmying along the piping to the end of the tunnel. INT. TUNNEL/BASEMENT -- NIGHT Heroine looks back at the two men. She turns and reenters the basement. GAH! Teen Beast drops in front of her, whacking her to the floor. Heroine slides across the floor, but jumps up quickly. Teen Beast cautiously moves in for the kill. Heroine raises her weapon. HEROINE You fuck with my family. (aiming shotgun) I fuck right back! Click -- out of ammo! HEROINE Oh shit. Heroine THROWS the shotgun at him and pulls out the MACHETE. She rolls left and swings. Teen Beast loses two fingers. She swings again but gets whacked to the floor. Heroine rolls with the hit, grabs her shotgun, and dives into the KEG ELEVATOR. She slams closed the door as Teen Beast regains its composure and lunges. BAM! It CRASHES against the door. INT. TUNNEL -- NIGHT Roadie and Coach crawl to the platform by the exit. COACH They will write stories of your bravery. ROADIE If there's anybody left. The two men climb up the ladder leading to the ground above. At the top, Roadie pushes off the plywood covering. The two men peer into the night and spot the TRUCK. INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine wedges the door closed. The Beast continues to try to get in. Heroine bangs the top of the small elevator... HEROINE Send it up! Send it up! MAIN BAR Tuffy backs up and hears the screams from the keg elevator. TUFFY Hey! Hey! She's in the shaft! Beer Guy hits the button. The gears grind and start to pull the elevator up to the main floor. INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine squirms as the elevator rises. HEROINE Move it! Move it! Move it! As Teen Beast starts to tear at the base of the rising keg elevator in the shaft, Heroine pounds and tears at the few planks above her in the keg elevator. MAIN BAR Beer Guy hits the button. BEER GUY Come on! BOZO Ol' Crazy Horse has seen it. TUFFY Shut up! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR The elevator SHAKES. Heroine POUNDS a hole through the elevator top. She tries to squeeze through the SMALL HOLE. Teen Beast BITES through the floor board of the keg elevator. CLANGGG! The elevator stops. Heroine lurches and grabs the greasy cables to stop her fall. HEROINE Goddamn it! MAIN BAR TUFFY It stopped. It fuckin' stopped! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine screams as the elevator shakes. Teen Beast is struggling to climb right under her. MAIN BAR TRAMPY Do something! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR HEROINE I'M ALIVE! OPEN THE DOOR! MAIN BAR Tuffy moves for the keg door. Adulterer grabs The Judge from Bartender. ADULTERER Stop! TRAMPY What the fuck are you doing?! ADULTERER They can't get in here! We agreed! They'll get us! TUFFY She can make it! ADULTERER I will not die because of her! BARTENDER Don't be stupid, drop the gun! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine HACKS at one of the two greasy cables. Teen Beast is in the elevator car and RISING. MAIN BAR TRAMPY YOU'RE KILLING HER! ADULTERER They'll get in! We'll all die! INSIDE KEG ELEVATOR Heroine almost has the primary cable cut. Teen Beast rises up to bite. SNAP!! The cable BREAKS. Heroine SOARS up the shaft. Teen Beast is pulled down to the bottom. The keg elevator door bursts open on impact. Heroine SLAMS into the ceiling, kicking and yelling. MAIN BAR Tuffy KNOCKS Adulterer's shotgun up, takes the gun, and rips open the keg door. Heroine swings out. P.O.V. - Teen Beast is right behind her with mouth open and ready to feed. Tuffy points her shotgun. BLAM! Teen lurches back, dropping back down the shaft. Tuffy slams the keg door shut. Heroine pants on the floor. Adulterer is down, winded. BOZO Welcome back. HEROINE F-f-fuck you. BARTENDER What the hell happened? TUFFY You okay? HEROINE I think they made it. She turns to Adulterer, rigid. HEROINE Stop trying to get people killed. It is getting very old. Adulterer nods, ashamed. Heroine looks around the bar. She notices the peanut barrels on top of the bar. Two wooden planks serve as track, leading straight for the side wall. HEROINE What's this? BOZO Ingenuity, baby. Ingenuity. HEROINE (to Bartender) I need some shells. BARTENDER I have two left. Bartender expels a shell from The Judge and hands it over. BARTENDER Make it count. Heroine cringes, eyeing the lined up Molotov cocktails. HEROINE Let's prepare ourselves, they ought to be here with the truck any minute. BOSS MAN Bullshit. Boss Man sips a bottle, still hopped-up on morphine. He lazily loads his pistol from a pool of bullets on his belly. BOSS MAN If you ask me, I'm gonna just lay right here, wait for sunrise, then walk on out of here. HEROINE That's your choice, but this is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets any better. Boss Man shrugs, content with himself. BOSS MAN If all of you run for it, they won't care about lil ol' me. They like the food that moves... CRASH! Teen Beast's arm ERUPTS through the Boss Man's belly. His pistol and bullets scatter across the floor. BOSS MAN OHHH!!! SNAPPP!!! His head and legs SLAP together as the arm pulls him through a small hole in the floor. The group jumps back. Blood rockets out. His body is pureed down the tiny hole. HEROINE Get on the tables!!! On the tables!!! Everyone struggles to get on the tables. CRASH! Teen Beast's arm reaches up and GRABS Para's wheelchair, violently shaking it. Para FALLS to the floor. Teen Beast's arm grabs Para's leg... PARA HELP ME!!! BOZO Bonsai! Bozo jumps from a table and STOMPS on Teen Beast's arm. He picks up Para and TOSSES him onto a table. BOZO Hot potato!!! Bozo leaps back onto a table. POP! The power cuts out. The room goes black. BEER GUY We're gonna die! ADULTERER What the hell?! HEROINE Settle down! TRAMPY Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! And with that, the shouting and pounding stops. The group nervously shuffles around the tables. There's silence. Dead silence. Then, far is the distance, beyond the walls, a sound is heard. It's screaming. And it's approaching. Rapidly. The survivors maneuver to peek out the front walls. BARTENDER What's that? Tuffy sees what is coming. TUFFY They didn't make it. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Being held by Papa and Momma Beast, Roadie and Coach are both rushed towards the wall like human battering rams. ROADIE RUN!!! THUD! The first strike causes the men to HOWL. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The survivors shake in sickened silence. From beyond the walls, they can hear high-pitched SCREAMS. THUD! THUD! THUD! With every strike, a splattering of blood spits through the planks of wood. BARTENDER That wall's coming down! BOZO Commence Plan B! The entire group goes into motion. HEROINE What's Plan B? BOZO Just watch the floor and keep the others safe! THUD! THUD! THUD! With a final furious strike, a few wood planks splinter. Papa Beast sticks in his head and hisses. BOZO Bomb's away!!! From the bar, Beer Guy, Tuffy, and Adulterer release the first peanut barrel. It's ablaze and sails straight for Papa Beast. BLAM! It explodes, bursting open the wall and knocking back Papa Beast. The wooden walls go up in flame. Para, on a side table, reaches out and grabs Boss Man's .38 from the floor. The second peanut barrel is released. It sails outside the breach, but it doesn't explode. Nevertheless, the Beasts stay far away. Teen Beast madly rips floor boards away, moving towards Para's table. Teen Beast bursts through the floor, knocking Para to the floor. Para crawls to his fallen wheelchair. Teen Beast spots him, moves in to feed. Para points his seat back at the scattered .38 bullets and flips the armrest switch. SNAP! The bullets jump to the power magnet. Para yanks one free, loads the pistol and turns just as Teen Beast strikes... POP! The shot hits Teen Beast in the eye, sending him back down the hole in the floor. Heroine and Bartender move in. When Teen Beast sticks his head out of the hole again, they thrust both their shotguns into each ear. HEROINE Now! BLAM-BLAM! The two shots scatter head everywhere. The flames in the bar spread, catching the entire wall and roof on fire. EXT. BAR -- MOMENTS LATER The second barrel comes to a stop a good distance from the bar. Suddenly, the top is knocked off. Trampy sticks her head out. Seeing no trouble, she emerges, dizzy as hell, and races for the nearby BEER TRUCK. INT. BAR -- MOMENTS LATER Papa and Momma Beast both charge the bar. The third peanut barrel is released. It sails for them, but they dive out of the way. KABLOOM! It takes out the rest of the wall. Fire and smoke fills the place. Adulterer douses Momma Beast with booze as Beer Guy nails her with a lit Molotov cocktail. WHOOSH! Engulfed in flame, she bolts from the bar shrieking. BOZO One down, one to go!!! Papa enters and is instantly cornered. He swings wildly. HEROINE (to Bartender) Help me! Heroine and Bartender rip the DEER HEAD from the wall and charge Papa, pinning him against the wall with the antlers. HEROINE Come on! Bozo and Beer Guy dive into Papa's legs, holding them down. Tuffy picks up The Judge. WHAM! The shotgun butt knocks out Papa's front teeth. Tuffy raises the weapon again, staring down at the monster that killed her child, but Papa Beast gets an arm free to knock away her fatal blow. Bartender wrenches Papa Beast's arm with all his might. With her hair stuck in Papa Beast's claw, Tuffy is pulled face to face with the beast. She squirms as he chomps at her, but with no front teeth, he can't do immediate damage. BARTENDER I can't hold him!!! HEROINE Do something!!! Tuffy reaches back and shoves her fist into Papa Beast's mouth, jamming it down his throat. He instantly gags, sucking for air. Papa Beast struggles to get free, but the others hold tight. Papa Beast's body begins to quiver from a lack of oxygen. His eyes widen, face to face with Tuffy. TUFFY CHOKE ON IT!!! With one last lunge, Papa Beast shakes, his life drifting away. His eyes turn black as his body goes limp. Tuffy pulls out her arm from his throat. BARTENDER God... BOZO I need to get your number. Tuffy shakes her wet arm dry. As the group pulls away, Papa Beast is still pinned to the wall with the deer antlers dug into the wood. Heroine turns to Grandma and Grandpa, offering a hand. HEROINE Come on, I'll help you. GRANDPA No thank you, we're content. HEROINE I'm not leaving anyone behind. GRANDMA Maybe next time, dear. Heroine swallows and nods. HONK-HONK-HONK! Just outside the breached wall, the beer truck pulls up. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The beer truck screeches to a halt. Trampy's at the wheel, waving the group over. With the bar burning, a thick layer of SMOKE blankets the entire area. The people amass at the opening, but Heroine stops them from advancing. The group stares the dark night. Silent. HEROINE She's still out here. Heroine eyes the truck, seeing something she likes. HEROINE Stay put. She creeps out alone. HEROINE Where are you... come on... Nothing. Just smoke. And silence. HEROINE Come on! Come on! From the smoke, a smoldering Momma Beast charges like a bull. At the truck, Heroine opens the back doors and dives in, leaving the doors open. Momma Beast gives chase, entering the back. INSIDE TRUCK Heroine is deep into the truck as Momma Beast enters. She advances, hissing. HEROINE Come and get me you blood-chugging CUNT! Momma howls and charges. Heroine slides out the side keg door, locking it behind her. Before Momma can see the trap, Beer Guy slam closed the rear doors. OUTSIDE TRUCK Beer Guy latches it. Trampy comes around the truck. TRAMPY You got her? You got her! HEROINE Not for long, we gotta burn it. Heroine looks to the others at the breach. HEROINE Come on! Let's blow this thing! The others move into action. Beer Guy takes off his shirt and shoves it into the fuel tank. Adulterer and Bozo, with Para riding piggyback, help. They use the Molotov cocktails to make a fuel trail leading away from the truck. BEER GUY When this lights, run like hell. About fifteen yards away from the truck. Bozo throws his silver-plated American Eagle lighter to Heroine. HEROINE (catching lighter) Here we go... Then, a noise: EOCH-OCK-OCK! EOCK-OCK-OCK! EOCK-OCK-OCK! A deafening pattern of sound erupts from within the truck. It's Momma Beast. Again and again. TUFFY What is that? HEROINE She's calling for help. Heroine drops the lighter onto the fuel. It races for the truck. When feet away, COUSIN BEAST lands, stomping out the fire with his foot. BOZO The fan has officially been buried in the shit. Instantly, another beast, AUNT BEAST, lands on the top of the truck. These Beasts are like the others, but stripped. The group gasps. Trampy backs away. TRAMPY We have to run -- BURST! Trampy's rib cage is ripped from her body. The culprit, UNCLE BEAST, stands behind her. Her organs drop like a box of vegetables. Cousin Beast lets out a high-pitched roar. From atop the truck, the rear doors are ripped open. Momma Beast emerges. HEROINE Get to your cars!!! The Beasts spring into action, chasing the group. Bozo, with Para on his back, sprints for his car. Aunt Beast RIPS Para from Bozo's back. BOZO Motherfucker! Give him back! Bozo runs for his Trans-Am. Para falls to the ground, still alive. Bozo turns back and sees him. BOZO Oh Jesus! PARA HELLLPPP! Bozo grabs his brother and puts him on his back again, runs. BOZO I thought we lost you -- Para is RIPPED into the air again. BOZO You FUCKER! Tuffy and Bartender jump into his PICKUP TRUCK. TUFFY (to Heroine) Get in! Heroine hops in the back. Beer Guy and Adulterer run to a car together. Beer Guy lags behind, continually looking over his shoulder. ADULTERER Run and quit looking back! As Beer Guy looks forward, Aunt Beast and Uncle Beast hit him HIGH-AND-LOW, cutting him in half. Bozo makes it to his Trans-Am. BOZO DO IT! VAHVVVOOOMMMM! The car roars to life. He pushes in a tape. The "MIAMI VICE" theme song blares from the speakers. BOZO Get me FUCK BIRDS! Bozo peels out. Aunt Beast lands right in his path. BOZO No you don't! BAM! He SMACKS Aunt Beast head on, sending the creature's disemboweled body sailing through the air. BOZO VENGEANCE! Para DROPS from the sky, still ALIVE and panting. Cars are moving everywhere. PARA Oh Jesussss... INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The burning JUKEBOX plays a slow love song. Dancing and holding each other, Grandpa smooches Grandma on the forehead. GRANDPA We had a good run. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Para crawls along the ground, being ignored by the Beasts. PARA HELP ME! HELP ME SOMEBODY! Bozo turns on his windshield wipers to clear off the blood and guts. He spots Para. BOZO Hang on! Para claws the ground. PARA Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Bartender jerks the wheel of his car. BARTENDER Oh shit! Para sees Bartender's approaching truck. PARA NOOO!!! Para rolls right, just missing tires. Para yells for his brother. PARA COME ON! GODDAMN IT! Bozo's eyes bulge. BOZO Brother!!! BAM! Para is SMEARED by Adulterer's car. ADULTERER Shit! Bozo floors it. BOZO (overly endearing) I meant to tell you so much! The remaining cars maneuver to hit the open road. INT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Grandpa and Grandma hold each other tight. Uncle Beast enters, moving to their table. It moves in for the kill. Grandpa kisses his wife gently. GRANDPA Close your eyes, hon. The Beast OPENS its massive jaws and... CRASH! Bozo's car DRIVES through the bar, SMEARING the Beast. INT. BOZO'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS BOZO YOU ARE SUCKING MY DICK!!! Bozo guns the engine, crashing out the other end of the bar. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS Bozo's car veers, flipping over a pile of rubble. BOZO Motherfucker!!! Bozo squirms in his flipped car, UPSIDE-DOWN. He hears a Beast approaching. He pulls out a BUTTERFLY KNIFE from the open glove box and SAWS at his safety belt. Cousin Beast leans into the passenger side of the car and looks him right in the eye. Bozo raises the knife. BOZO Lord, if I die, bury me upside down so the world can KISS MY ASS! Cousin Beast leaps in. EXT. BAR -- CONTINUOUS The remaining TWO CARS race down the road. INT. BARTENDER'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS With the peddle to the floor, Bartender drives. BARTENDER I think we're in the clear -- BAM! Momma Beast lands on the roof. She reaches inside and yanks out Bartender's throat. The car veers. Tuffy rights it, leaning over and stomping on the gas. Momma yanks at the door, pulling it open. Tuffy pushes out Bartender's corpse and JERKS the wheel. IN THE BACK Momma Beast falls back, knocking down Heroine. Momma Beast nearly falls out, but manages to grab the rear gate with one claw. Defenseless, Heroine backs away. Momma Beast holds on tightly, pulling herself onto the bed of the truck. Tuffy stares back through the glass, unable to do anything. Momma Beast lunges towards Heroine. Momma Beast's claw snags Heroine's locket, jerking Heroine right up to the creature's face. The locket catches Momma's attention for split second. Her remaining eye goes from the picture of Charlie to Heroine. Momma's mouth opens wide. Heroine screams! And then, a beam of the RISING SUN catches the gold locket and burns into Momma's eye. In one quick motion, she's gone, taking the locket with her. Heroine lets out her breath, reaching around her neck for what is no longer there. The truck SKIDS to a halt. Tuffy jumps out. TUFFY Are you okay?! HEROINE I don't know, I think -- ADULTERER (O.S.) Hey! They both jump as Adulterer approaches. ADULTERER Are you two all right? They left! We made it! I think we made it! TUFFY They'll be back. HEROINE We're safe until dark, but we need to find other people. Heroine rises and moves to the cab of the truck. She finds a pack of cigs under the visor. Pops in the lighter. HEROINE You know where the IGA grocery store is over in Red Mountain? ADULTERER Um, yeah, ten miles west. HEROINE They have a bomb shelter. PING! The lighter springs out, hot. Heroine lights up and passes one to Tuffy. HEROINE We'll meet in three hours? ADULTERER I don't wanna go home alone... I don't wanna see what might have... TUFFY Don't worry about that. Just go. Moment of silence as Adulterer and Tuffy look down the desolate road. ADULTERER I'm sorry about your son. I really am. Tuffy nods, affectionately touching his hand. ADULTERER Where are you two going? HEROINE We're going to get my little girl. ADULTERER I wish you luck. The car peels off. Adulterer watches the car tear down the road. He glances up at the RISING SUN. EXT. TOWN ROAD -- DAY A sign reading "RED MOUNTAIN" swings lazily in the breeze. Tuffy and Heroine coast down a town road. There are random POOLS OF RED BLOOD in the dirt. No one in sight. EXT. TOWN ROAD -- DAY Adulterer drives along a small town road. There's no sign of life here either. EXT. HEROINE'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY The car pulls up to the house. The only sound is the wind. INT. BARTENDER'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS Heroine and Tuffy look at each other and proceed with caution. INT. ADULTERER'S CAR -- DAY He pulls up in front of his house. The front door is swinging open, BANGING against the door frame. INT. HEROINE'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY Heroine enters the ransacked house. Tuffy follows. INT. ADULTERER'S HOUSE -- DAY He enters his house. It too, is a mess. INT. HEROINE'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY They look down the stairs to the basement. Nothing. They move up the stairs to the second floor. SECOND FLOOR SMACK! They spin to the noise. INT. ADULTERER'S HOUSE -- DAY He moves up the stairs to the master bedroom. SMACK! There's a noise at the end of the hall. SMACK! INT. HEROINE'S GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE -- DAY They cautiously move to the last room in the hall. A scratched, closed door without an outside handle. HEROINE Oh no... Heroine kicks in the door and... There's a note on a teddy beer that says, "WE WENT TO THE SHELTER. LOVE GRANDMA AND CHARLIE." TUFFY They're alive! The shudders SMACK against the wall. INT. ADULTERER'S HOUSE -- DAY Adulterer holds a shattered PICTURE of his wife and two kids. He sighs and puts it down. ADULTERER I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... EXT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- DAY The sun shines bright in the cloudless sky. There is a stiff wind that stirs up the dust. Bartender's car slowly lurches up the street. INT. BARTENDER'S CAR -- CONTINUOUS Heroine and Tuffy skeptically look at the surroundings. HEROINE It's right up there, in the back of the store. EXT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- CONTINUOUS The car pulls up in the back of the store and stops. They get out, looking around. Tuffy holds a machete. Adulterer kneels against his car. HEROINE Where is everyone? ADULTERER I don't know, I just got here. Did you find your girl? HEROINE She's supposed to already be here. TUFFY Your family? Adulterer shakes his head, acknowledging their death. TUFFY I'm sorry. Adulterer sheepishly nods. HEROINE This place is a ghost town. The group makes their way to the store front, peeking beyond the glass doors. ADULTERER (pointing) Look! In the distance, in middle of a dusty parking lot, CHARLIE stands staring at them. HEROINE Charlie? Heroine runs to her and the others follow. Charlie fidgets awkwardly. She cries and blood stains her dress. HEROINE Charlie! As Heroine nears, Adulterer GRABS her arm. ADULTERER Stop! There's something wrong! HEROINE Honey!? The group eyes Charlie, noticing Heroine's locket around her ankle, leading to a slightly ajar manhole cover. Suddenly, the sunlight starts to FADE. They look up the sun. TUFFY Oh god. The MOON moves in front of it -- a SOLAR ECLIPSE. Beast HISSING and FLUTTERING is heard. Heroine looks from left to right, panic stricken. CHARLIE Mommy! The sunlight is fading. The manhole cover shakes, something is holding Charlie in place. Heroine lurches forward, but Adulterer holds her at bay. ADULTERER It's a trap! At a standstill, the group looks around for options. In the distance, the darkness of the eclipse rolls towards them. Adulterer reacts, grabbing Tuffy's machete and lunging for Charlie. The strike cuts the chain at her ankle. The manhole cover POPS off and a Beast claw sinks into Adulterer. The darkness covers the manhole. Momma Beast rises, hoisting Adulterer's blood dripping body from the ground. ADULTERER (gurgling blood) Run!!! Heroine scoops up her child, moving away from Momma Beast. Tuffy grabs them both, leading them back towards the store front. As Adulterer's blood flows, Momma Beast drags him towards her main prey. A blanket of darkness leads Momma Beast, overtaking the survivors. At the store front, Heroine pulls Charlie close. HEROINE (a whisper) I love you... CUT TO BLACK: EXT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- AN HOUR LATER A string of ten WHITE VANS come to a halt in the dusty parking lot. THE MAN IN TAN (45, buzz cut, leathery skin, cool) steps from the lead van and surveys the ravaged small town. A swarm of men emerge from the other vehicles, all dressed alike in work boots, gas masks and coveralls. They go into action honing in on rubble with SENSORS and COUNTERS. THE MAN IN TAN What's the damage radius? TECH (27, horn-rimmed glasses, all business) eyes a laptop. TECH Twenty miles. Red Mountain, surrounding farms, local TV studio. THE MAN IN TAN How many picked up the broadcast? TECH We'll have figures within the hour. The Man in Tan closes his eyes in thought. TECH Sir, what's the spin? THE MAN IN TAN Tornado cluster. TECH This is the California high desert. THE MAN IN TAN Get what you need to sell it. COMPANY MAN (O.S.) Sir, we have movement! The Man in Tan moves to a few men standing over a pool of blood and guts. Using the sensor equipment, the COMPANY MAN follows the blood trail that enters the grocery store. INT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- CONTINUOUS The place is torn to hell. Dust and soot hangs in the air. The men instinctively raise their high-powered rifles, letting the flashlights on the ends lead the way. They follow the trail of blood to a back FREEZER LOCKER. It's scratched, bashed and thrashed. THE MAN IN TAN Open it. Company Man #2 steps forward and uses a metal-cutting chainsaw to cut through the hinges. The door falls with a THUD. As the dust clears, Tuffy, Heroine and Charlie stare back at the men, huddled together in a defensive stance. The Man in Tan creaks his neck. THE MAN IN TAN Gentlemen, help them to safety. Heroine, holding Charlie, lurches back. HEROINE You're not safe, she's still alive, she'll be back... THE MAN IN TAN Relax. We know. We're the calvary. The Man in Tan steps forward, guiding the group out. EXT. IGA (GROCERY STORE) -- MOMENTS LATER A bulky security truck pulls up. A DRIVER, holding a bloody rag to his nose, gets out and moves to the back door. THE MAN IN TAN What happened to you? The Driver nods to the back of the truck, opening the door. Bozo lurches out, handcuffed and chained. BOZO Get these cuffs off me! I'm a goddamn hero for Christ's sake! A shirtless, irate BOZO sits next to Grandpa and Grandma in the back. He settles at the sight of the others. GRANDMA G'morning. BOZO Thanks for waitin' for me back there, really fuckin' appreciate it! Heroine covers her daughter's ears as the survivors are helped into the truck. Tuffy sits, looking to Bozo. TUFFY How'd you survive? BOZO I found a new weak spot on 'em, but it damn ain't pretty getting to it. Heroine, last in the truck, turns to the men. HEROINE Where are you taking us? THE MAN IN TAN A trauma center. We have doctors waiting. (off Heroine's pause) You're in good hands now. The door shuts on Heroine's concerned face. The Man in Tan locks eyes with the Driver. THE MAN IN TAN Do it quick and spread the mess. The Driver nods back. Sinister implication understood. The Man in Tan lights a cigarette as he watches the truck drive off. The truck's logo reads, "FARM-AID." He inhales. Freeze on him. NAME: THE MAN IN TAN AGE: 45 OCCUPATION: HE CAN'T TELL YOU PURPOSE: TO LAY GROUNDWORK FOR SEQUEL LIFE EXPECTANCY: PRETTY F-ING GOOD The Man in Tan exhales a gust of smoke. FADE OUT: THE END

"FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" by John Hughes "FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" by John Hughes SHOOTING SCRIPT July 24, 1985 "FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" 1 BLACK SCREEN 1 MAIN TITLES IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND. A HOUSEHOLD IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS. KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS. FATHER'S VOICE (TOM) Where's my wallet?! SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD) YOU IDIOT!! TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY) MOM! TODD SHUT-UP! EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE) I NEED A TOWEL!! TOM JOYCE! KIMBERLY (whispers, sadistic) When you turn ten, your head's going to swell up real big like a watermelon and we're going to have to put you to sleep like they do with a dog. TODD MOM! TOM JOYCE!! JEANIE WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!! TOM Where's Mom? TODD Is my head going to swell up? TOM What?! JEANIE OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!! MOTHER (JOYCE) (screams) TOM! The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP. TODD What's that? KIMBERLY Wait! Hold still! TODD What?! KIMBERLY You heads starting to swell up!! Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the hallway. A door open. TOM (breathless) What's the matter? JOYCE (worried) It's Ferris! TOM What's wrong? JOYCE (snaps) What's wrong? For Christ's sake! Look at him! 2 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 2 An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA. His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side. 3 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 3 Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties. Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed for work. TOM Ferris? JOYCE He doesn't have a fever. But he says his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots. 4 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 4 His lifeless eyes blink. 5 INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS 5 Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead. TOM What's the matter, Ferris? JOYCE Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy. Tom takes one of Ferris' hands. TOM (discreetly) Should you call the doctor? JOYCE (whispers) He doesn't want me to. TOM Why don't you want Mom to call the doctor? Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can manage is a choked gasp. TOM What? Ferris tries again. FERRIS (raspy) Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up. He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down. FERRIS I have a test today. I have to take it. I want to get into a good college so I can have a fruitful life... JOYCE You're not going to school like this. (to Tom) Maybe I should call the office and tell them I won't be in. FERRIS I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God! He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes. His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill. JEAN Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem? JOYCE He doesn't feel well. JEAN Yeah, right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize the lawn. TOM That's enough, Jeanie. JEANIE You're not falling for this, are you? Tell me you're not falling for this. FERRIS Is that Jeanie? I can't see that far. Jeanie? JEANIE Pucker up and squat, Ferris. JOYCE (annoyed) Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school. JEANIE (angry, defeated) You're really letting him stay home? I can't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. It's so unfair. FERRIS Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie. Be thankful that you're fit and have your health. Cherish it. JEANIE (to herself) Oh, I wanna puke. She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister, KIMBERLY peek into the room. KIMBERLY Myocardial infarction? JOYCE Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right down. KIMBERLY Syphilitic meningitus? That would be a huge family embarrassment. TOM Get downstairs! KIMBERLY If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo. She turns sharply and exits. TODD (worried) Dad? Does my head look alright? JOYCE Get downstairs! Now! TODD Just answer me one question! Is it swelling up? Kim said it was going to get as big as... KIMBERLY (OC) A WATERMELON! TODD (yells out the room) Shut-up! JOYCE Get downstairs! NOW! Todd backs out of the room. FERRIS I'll be okay. I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll have an aspirin around noon. JOYCE (to Ferris) I'm showing houses to the family from California today but I'll be in the area. My office'll know where I am, if you need me. TOM I'll check it with you, too. FERRIS It's nice to know I have such loving, caring parents. You're both very special people. 6 CU. FERRIS 6 He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids. 7 INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE 7 She strokes Ferris' hair. JOYCE I hope you feel better, pumpkin. She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his shoulder. TOM Get some rest. 8 CU. FERRIS 8 Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents to the door. JOYCE (OC) We love you, sweetie. TOM (OC) Call if you need us. They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across his lips. FERRIS They bought it. The MTV theme music ROARS IN. 9 CU. TV SCREEN 9 The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing. 10 INT. BEDROOM 10 Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight. FERRIS Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. (looks out the window) What a beautiful day! He turns from the window. FERRIS Parents always fall for the clammy hands. It's physical evidence of illness. It's a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are generally pretty hip to the fever scams. And to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school. He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV broadcast. A NEW SONG begins. FERRIS Fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so if high school. Right? He equalizes the sound a little. FERRIS This is my ninth sick day with semester. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely must make this one count. He exits into the hallway. 11 INT. BATHROOM 11 Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with Jean's debris. He turns on the shower water. FERRIS I don't care if you're fifty five or seven, everybody needs a day off now and then. It's a beautiful day. How can I be expected to handle high school? He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops up. FERRIS I do actually have a test. That wasn't bullshit. He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the shower door we see Ferris' outline. FERRIS That I care about it was. 12 INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL. 12 Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up. It's moulded into a fin with shampoo. FERRIS It's on European socialism. I mean, really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a shit if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. He turns the shower head around and uses it like a microphone. FERRIS (sings) WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY, TWIST AND SHOUT... 13 INT. HALLWAY. LATER 13 Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different color. FERRIS Not that I condone fascism. Or and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. John Lennon said it on his first solo album. "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. Afterall, he was the Walrus. He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it. FERRIS I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people. He passes CAMERA and goes into his room. FERRIS (OC) I'm not very political? Let me put that into perspective... 14 INT. BEDROOM 14 Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed. FERRIS My uncle went to Canada to protest the war, right? On the Fourth of July he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my Dad he felt guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam. So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle Jeff? In wartime you want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. It took you twenty years to find out you don't believe in anything?" (snaps his fingers) Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks. (pause) Be careful when you deal with old hippies. They can be real touchy. He opens his door. 15 INT. CLOSET 15 The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts. FERRIS My mother was a hippie. But she lost it. She got old. If she listens to the White Album now? She doesn't hear music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is her favorite drug. It'll probably be mine, too. I hope not. He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and puts it on. He drops the towel. 16 INT. BEDROOM 16 He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the top of the dresser. He picks it up. FERRIS In eighth grade a friend of mine made a bong out of one of these. The smoke tasted like glue. He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he speaks. FERRIS His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I like him. I'm probably his only friend. I do what I can for him. I mean, if I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others, right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station. His father's dead and his sister's rumored to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit. She only puts out so people will hang out with her. It's sad but I don't hold it against her. Better to hold it against the guys who use her and don't care about her. (pause) My parents never allowed Garth over here. It was because of his family. Mainly his older brother. He's in jail. I could see them not wanting his brother here because he is a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here. I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of artificial fruit just so he could see what it was like to have his stomach pumped. But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights with the parents on that point. I always felt for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once and I was laying on the dark worrying that his brother was going to come in and hack me to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". ... Nothing was wrong. There was no specific thing he was crying about. In fact, he wasn't really even aware that he was crying. He just cried himself to sleep every night. It was a habit. The guy's so conditioned to grief that if he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How could you possibly dump on guy who has to deal with that kinda shit? My parents acknowledge the trudge of the situation and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel for him but still the guy's banned from our house. He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his speech as he disrobes. FERRIS Unfortunately, now my parents have a legit argument. Garth doesn't need his brother to give him a rep anymore. He's getting one on his own. He's lost. It's over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from school. Gone from life. His legacy is a gas station. 17 INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE 17 Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely different outfit. FERRIS One very serious danger is playing sick is that it's possible to believe your own act. 18 INT. KITCHEN 18 Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the refrigerator. FERRIS That and boredom. Alot of people ditch and feel great for about an hour. Then they realize there's nothing to do. TV and food. I myself have ditched and gotten so bored I did homework. Figure that shit out. He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice. FERRIS You have to plan things out before you take the day off. Otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy. He crosses to the pantry. FERRIS You blow your day and at about three o'clock, when everybody's out of school, you're going to wish you'd gone to school so you could be out having fun. He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos. FERRIS Avoid the misery. Plan your day. Do it right. 19 INT. FAMILY ROOM 19 Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair. FERRIS There's alot of pressure at work in my age group. And it's not always recognized. He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in his lap. FERRIS Some guy whose hair is falling out and his stomach's hanging over his belt and everything he eats makes him fart, he looks at someone like me and thinks, "This kid's young and strong and has a full, rich future ahead of him, what's he got to bitch about?" 20 CU. PHONE 20 He punches out a number. 21 INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 21 He remote controls the TV on. FERRIS That's just one reason why I need a day off every now and then. 22 EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE 22 A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER. 23 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 23 It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words. CAMERON Food...shelter...no...yes... The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker phone button. CAMERON (weak) Hello? FERRIS' VOICE Cameron! What's happening? CAMERON Very little. FERRIS' VOICE How do you feel? CAMERON Shredded. FERRIS' VOICE Is your mother in the room? Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth. CAMERON She's not home. Where are you? FERRIS' VOICE Home. 24 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 24 Ferris is sprawled out in the chair. FERRIS I'm taking the day off. Get dressed and come over. CAMERON'S VOICE I can't. I'm sick. FERRIS It's all in your head. Come on over. 25 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 25 Cameron's insistant. CAMERON I feel like complete shit, Ferris. I can't go anywhere. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come on over and pick me up. Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone. CAMERON I'm dying. The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button. FERRIS' VOICE You're not dying. You just can't think of anything good to do. 26 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM 26 Ferris hangs up. FERRIS If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has alot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. I've come close myself. But I like him. He's a little easier to take when you know why he's like he is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon by French but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. (after-thought) And Cameron would worry that he'd owe taxes on it. 27 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 27 We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A shoe's POV. TEACHER'S VOICE Albers? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Anderson. GIRL'S VOICE Here. CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine loafers... TEACHER'S VOICE Anheiser? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Busch? GIRL'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that it's empty. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? GIRL'S VOICE He's sick. (pause) My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. TEACHER'S VOICE (weary) Thank you, Simone. GIRL'S VOICE (cheery) No problem whatsoever. TEACHER'S VOICE Drucker? BOY'S VOICE What? WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD. 28 CU. TV 28 THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase at the end. INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve. CU. TV Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve. He gives it a twist. CU. FERRIS He throws himself back against the chair. CU. TV The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws Humongous back in his seat. CU. FERRIS He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high speed ride. CU. TV The was wagon hurtles down the road. CU. FERRIS He rears back in horror. CU. TV The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the tanker truck. CU. FERRIS Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision. CU. TV IMPACT! MOZART COMES UP. 29 CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH 29 Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch. Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen. Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is sitting on her bed going through a purse. FERRIS This is really degrading. He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill. FERRIS Financing my activities this way. Very damaging to the self-image. But, hey, I'm broke. In times of crisis one must to what one must to. I'll pay it back. With interest. He comes up with a five. FERRIS Regardless of how much shit sisters make you eat, how often they rat on you, how gross they act or how wicked and insensitive they can be, you should not alientate them. Because most likely they have cash and it's usually very easy to get your hands on. He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY" COMES UP. 30 INT. LIVING ROOM 30 The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions. CU. SOFA Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice. 31 INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM 31 Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another crumpled bill surfaces. 32 CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP 32 A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops them up. 33 CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET 33 An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing. 34 CU. KITCHEN DRAWER 34 Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a dollar bill. 35 CU. COIN COLLECTION 35 The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the quarters are being popped out of their slots. 36 CU. VACCUUM CLEANER 36 The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth. 37 CU. SNOOPY BANK 37 It's being shaken furiously. 38 CU. BIRTHDAY CARD 38 It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp, new five. 39 INT. HALL CLOSET 39 The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door. 40 CU. FLOOR AND BED 40 Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed. 41 CU. BANK 41 It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally, a five dollar bill. 42 INT. KITCHEN 42 Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table. 43 CU. TABLE LEG 43 Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used to balance the table. 44 INT. KITCHEN 44 Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter. 45 CU. FERRIS' BED 45 A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The SONG ENDS. 46 EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING 46 A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town. 47 INT. OFFICE 47 Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN. They're also real estate agents. JOYCE No one's going to consider a house with a black living room. Not even those jerks from Vermont. Let's be realistic. AGENT 1 Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against putting any money into the house. Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call. JOYCE Joyce Bueller. Her eyes open wide with alarm. JOYCE Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to call. 48 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL 48 A modern, suburban high school. MAN'S VOICE Are you aware that your son is not in school today? 49 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 49 It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students. JOYCE'S VOICE Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I had a meeting first thing this morning. I should have called. It completely slipped my mind. 50 INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 50 A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside the office. DEAN'S VOICE Are you also aware that Ferris does not have what we consider an exemplary attendance record? 51 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN 51 It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAD OF STUDENTS. The dean's feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced dress shoes. JOYCE'S VOICE I don't understand. DEAN'S VOICE I just had his file up. INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point of arrogance. ROONEY I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller. Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from the desk and turns in his swivel chair. ROONEY If Ferris thinks he coast this last month and still graduate, he's sorely mistaken. JOYCE'S VOICE This is all news to me. CU. COMPUTER MONITOR The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records. ROONEY'S VOICE So far this semester alone, he's been absent nine times. Including today. JOYCE'S VOICE Nine times? Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a number 2. INT. OFFICE Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen. ROONEY I have it right here in front of me. He's missed... He looks closer at the screen. 52 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 52 Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up on the screen. FERRIS I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign? 53 INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE 53 She's still on the phone with Rooney. JOYCE I can give you every assurance that Ferris is home and that he is, in fact, very ill. I debated whether or not I should even leave him. I can appreciate that at this time of year children are prone to taking the day off, but in Ferris' case, he's truly a very sick boy. 54 INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM 54 MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR. CU. SPEAKER The grille cloth is throbbing. CU. LED METERS The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone. CU. TV MONITOR We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck. He's playing. CU. VIDEO CAMERA A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape. 55 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 55 He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He sighs deeply and fall back on the bed. 56 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 56 Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A GIRLFRIEND comes up to her. GIRL I'm really sorry about your brother. JEANIE What're you sorry for? I have to live with the trouser snake. GIRL No, I mean I heard he's really sick. JEANIE Who said he's sick. GIRL A whole bunch of people. They said he's like on the verge of death. Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl. GIRL This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's really sweet isn't he? She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment. She kicks her locker shut. 57 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 57 He's in bed on the phone. FERRIS A sample of my blood was sent to Atlanta to the Center for Disease Control. I don't know, man, I'm bricking heavily. (point to the phone) Freshman. (to the phone) Did you see Alien? When the guy had the creature in his stomach? It feels like that. 58 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 58 A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news. BOY Goddamn! Are you kidding? SECOND BOY What? BOY Did you see Alien? SECOND BOY No. BOY You never rented the video cassette? Second boy shakes his head, no. BOY Oh. He's really wasted. THIRD BOY (to the Second Boy) Who's he talking to? SECOND BOY Ferris Bueller. You know him? THIRD BOY (excited) Yeah. He's getting me out of summer school. BOY Anyway, I appreciate you letting us know how you're doing. We gotta split. (pause) Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on. SECOND BOY (to Third Boy) Shit. I hope he doesn't die. I can't handle summer school. The boy snatches a passing GIRL. BOY Did you see Alien? GIRL Yeah, why? He hands her the phone. GIRL Hello? (pause) Who? (pause) Hi, Ferris. How's your bod? (jaw drops) Oh, my God! You're dying? Is it serious? (pause) Shiit! Are you upset? 59 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 59 Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder. ROONEY I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him! SECRETARY With your bad knee, you better not throw anybody, Ed. Rooney stares at her for a long beat. ROONEY What's so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is that he gives the good kids bad ideas. The last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. SECRETARY He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, they all adore him. ROONEY That's exactly why I have to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere. SECRETARY (impressed) Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just now. Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile. ROONEY Really? He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint. 60 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 60 It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives past the house. 61 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 61 He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude. FERRIS Cameron, if you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. I'm serious, man. This is bullshit, making me wait around the house for you. 62 INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM 62 Cameron's back in bed. CAMERON I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't you leave me alone? FERRIS' VOICE You're not up for some good times? It's a beautiful day. It's almost summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be surfing. 63 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 63 He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness. FERRIS You want to stay home and try to have the shits? Try to barf? Try to feel worse? CAMERON'S VOICE I don't have to try. FERRIS Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol and get dressed. You're boring me with this stuff. The other phone line rings. FERRIS Squeeze you buns for a second. I got another call. He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath. FERRIS H--hell-o? 64 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN 64 A LaSalle Street office tower. TOM'S VOICE Ferris? 65 INT. TOM'S OFFICE 65 He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman Miller desk and chair. TOM You sound miserable. FERRIS' VOICE Really? Darn! I thought I was improving. TOM Were you sleeping? FERRIS' VOICE I was trying to do some homework. 66 CU. COMPUTER MONITOR 66 A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making. FERRIS (OC) I'm so worried about falling behind. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke. FERRIS Dad? Can you hold on a second? TOM'S VOICE Sure, pal. Are you alright? FERRIS Just a little phlegm on the phone. Hold on. He puts his father on hold. FERRIS Cameron? It's my Dad. CAMERON'S VOICE Oh, that's just great. Are you busted? FERRIS It's completely cool. He's just checking up on me. Now, listen to me. I'm working on getting some heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you can do is hurry up and get over here. Bye. He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to his sick voice. FERRIS Sorry, Dad. The moment before you called, I had a chest spasm and I blew lung fluid all over the place. It was making me ill looking at it. But gee, it's sure great of you to call. I'm sure there're alot of fathers who wouldn't take time out from their busy schedules to call a dumb, sick teenager. TOM'S VOICE Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do? Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The screen dumps the drawing. FERRIS Give yourself some credit, Dad. It was a mammoth gesture. It's like those savings bonds you used to give me every Christmas. (looks at CAMERA and smiles) It was that kind of concern. CU. COMPUTER SCREEN A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA". INT. FERRIS' ROOM He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the desk. He lights a cigarette. FERRIS You had to work hard for the money to buy those things, right? TOM'S VOICE Not any harder than anybody else. Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them. 67 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN 67 Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard. Pedestrians stop to look. 68 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 68 He blows a smoke ring. FERRIS You work so hard I'll bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right? Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father. TOM'S VOICE Wrong. He nods. FERRIS Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're just trying to cheer me up. TOM'S VOICE Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox in my closet. Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what he wants. FERRIS (to CAMERA, normal voice) Was that a class move or what? The guy gave it up faster than a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my kids don't pull this shit on me. (thinks) Of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and I'd have to support them until I die. I take it back. (to the phone, sick voice) Dad? All this talking has made me kind of light-headed. I think I better lie down. TOM'S VOICE Okay, pal. You take care. I'll call you after lunch. FERRIS You don't have to, Dad. TOM'S VOICE I want to. Bye now. He hangs up. Ferris sighs. FERRIS You win some, you lose some. He turns his desk chair around and gets up. FERRIS I'm so disappointed in Cameron. Twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out. 69 INT. CAR. CAMERON 69 He's sitting behind the wheel of his car. CAMERON We're gonna get caught. No doubt about it. He cuts the engine. CAMERON I'm not doing it. He sits for half a beat. CAMERON He'll keep calling until I come over. He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat. CAMERON Actually, what'll happen is I'll get caught. Ferris'll escape. Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC. 70 CU. DRESSER DRAWER 70 Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for the pictorials as he speaks. FERRIS Cameron'll go on like that for a good thirty minutes. The guy is a shellfish when it comes to making a decision. The reason he doesn't fell good is, he worries about everything. He's the only guy I know who's deeply concerned that when he grows up there'll be a critical shortage of strategic metals. He exits the room. 71 INT. HALLWAY 71 Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway. FERRIS Cameron's also the only guy I know who knows what strategic metals are. (waves the magazine) Pardon moi. He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM DOWN. FERRIS (sings) MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED... 72 INT. CLASSROOM. LATER 72 A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture. TEACHER Roosevelt's health had seriously deteriorated by the time he met with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta. (sneezes) Pardon me. The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear. SLOANE She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously. INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks at the kids. NURSE Sloane Peterson? SLOANE Sits up in her seat. NURSE She's a picture of compassion and understanding. NURSE May I see you outside for a moment? There's been an emergency. SLOANE A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she looks to the GIRL next to her. SLOANE (whispers) Dead grandmother. 73 INT. HALLWAY 73 The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand. NURSE (nods solemnly) Dead grandmother. 74 CU. ROONEY 74 He has a suspicious look on his face. ROONEY Dead grandmother? INT. DEAN'S OFFICE Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from him. SECRETARY That's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane. ROONEY Who's this girl's going with? SECRETARY It's so hard to tell. I see her alot with Ferris Bueller. Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed. ROONEY Could you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number? As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone rings. She stops and answers the desk phone. SECRETARY Edward Rooney's office. (pause) Yes. Can you hold? Thank you. She puts the call on hold. SECRETARY It's Mr. Peterson. Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for the phone. SECRETARY Do you still want his number? Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and backs out. He punches the phone button. ROONEY Ed Rooney. MAN'S VOICE Ed? This is George Peterson. ROONEY How are you today, sir? MAN'S VOICE We've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr. Peterson. ROONEY I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to release Sloane. You produce a corpse and I'll release Sloane. I want to see this dead grandmother firsthand. The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney in horror. He covers the phone. ROONEY (whispers) It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let his walk right into it! (to phone) That's right. Cart the stiff in and I'll turn over your daughter. It's school policy. Was this your mother? Rooney's other line rings. 75 INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE 75 She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other line. SECRETARY Ed Rooney's office. Her jaw drops. SECRETARY Hold, please. She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into Rooney's office. 76 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 76 Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line. ROONEY I'll tell you want, you don't like my policies, you can just come on down and smooch by big old ugly ass. You hear me? The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously. Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her foot. Rooney covers the phone. ROONEY What!? SECRETARY Ferris Bueller's on line two. CU. ROONEY'S FOOT It freezes in mid-tap. CU. ROONEY'S HAND The pencils falls from his fingers. CU. ROONEY'S FACE A mask of horror. He glances at the phone. CU. PHONE The second line light is flashing. CU. ROONEY He blinks, cocks his head, twitches. 77 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 77 He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he used on his father. FERRIS Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb you at work but I was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I may need. 78 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 78 He's staring blankly ahead. FERRIS' VOICE Thank you, sir. He nods. CU. PHONE Rooney's finger gingerly presses the button on the waiting call. CU. ROONEY He winces as he returns to the first call. 79 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. KITCHEN 79 Cameron's on the phone in the kitchen. He's doing a deep, phoney "father" voice. CAMERON You oughta be sorry for Christ's sake! A family member dies and you insult me. What's the matter with you, anyway? 80 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 80 He apologies profusely to Cameron. He's perspiring, trembling. ROONEY I don't know. I thought you were someone else. You have to know, sir, that I would never deliberately insult you. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am. CAMERON'S VOICE Pardon my French but you're an asshole! Rooney nods enthusiastically. ROONEY Absolutely! I most certainly am. 81 INT. KITCHEN 81 Cameron lays into Rooney. CAMERON This isn't over yet, buster. You just make sure my daughter's out in front of the school in ten minutes. Do you read me? ROONEY'S VOICE Load and clear, Mr. Peterson. CAMERON Call me sir, goddamn it! ROONEY'S VOICE Sir. CAMERON That's better. Ferris strolls into the kitchen to catch the last of the conversation. Cameron covers the phone. CAMERON (to Ferris) I'm scared shitless, Ferris! What is Rooney guesses my voice! FERRIS Impossible. You're doing great. Cameron sighs and goes back to the phone. CAMERON (clears his throat) I don't have all day to bark at you so I'll make this short and sweet. Ferris gives Cameron an enthusiastic thumbs up. FERRIS (mouths) Great! Cameron smiles proudly. CAMERON I want my daughter out in front of the school in ten minutes. By herself. I don's want anyone around... Ferris smacks Cameron. He's said the wrong thing. He covers the phone. CAMERON What'd I do? FERRIS Out in front my herself? It's too suspicious! He'll think something's up, moron. Cover it. Cameron panics. He holds the phone out to Ferris. CAMERON You do it! Ferris waves his arms angrily. FERRIS Talk! Cameron takes a deep breath. He clears his throat and puts on his father's voice. CAMERON I changed my mind, fella. You be out in front with her! I wanna have a few words with you! Ferris slaps Cameron. The phone flies out of his hand. 82 CU. ROONEY 82 He winces as the phone hits the floor with a loud CLONK! We HEAR THE BOYS SCRAMBLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE, THEN CAMERON CLEARING HIS THROAT. CAMERON'S VOICE On second thought, I don't have time to talk to you. We'll get together soon and have lunch. We HEAR A SLAP AND THE CALL DISCONNECTS. 83 INT. FERRIS' KITCHEN 83 Cameron's rubbing the side of his head. CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me? FERRIS Where's your brain? CAMERON I asked you first. FERRIS How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney's going to be there with her?! CAMERON I said for her to be there alone and you freaked! FERRIS My, God, you're so stupid! (aside) I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped you. CAMERON You hit me. Look, don't ask me to participate in your crap if you don't like the way I do it! Ferris is incredulous at Cameron's stupidity. Cameron's anger is intensified by his embarrassment. CAMERON I was home, sick. You get me out of bed, being me over here, make me jeopardize my future, make me do a phoney phone call on a dean of students, a man who could squeeze my nuts into oblivion and then you deliberately hurt my feelings. FERRIS I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings. CAMERON Oh, really? FERRIS Yeah, really. Cameron glares at Ferris. CAMERON Hey, Ferris? Have a nice life. He turns and heads out of the room. Ferris sighs. FERRIS Cameron? CAMERON Stick it up your ass, Ferris. FERRIS Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jam you. It was uncalled for. Cameron stops. CAMERON You're serious? He turns around. FERRIS Dead serious. Cameron smiles. He appreciates Ferris apology. CAMERON Thanks. FERRIS You did screw up through, right? Not that is was necessarily all you fault. Right? CAMERON (suspiciously) Why? FERRIS To fix this situation, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor. Cameron's jaw drops. 84 INT. GARAGE 84 The door opens slowly, dramatically as we hear a heraldic fanfare. Light streams in to reveal Cameron and Ferris looking at the car. Ferris is smiling with excitement and awe. Cameron is frowning with trepidation and fear. CU. FERRARI STALLION The prancing black stallion. We move up from the stallion to the erotic red hood of a 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. CAMERON AND FERRIS Cameron's face is ashen. The end of the world is at hand. Ferris is in heaven. CAMERON (grim monotone) 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. Less than a hundred were made. It has a market value of $265,000. My father spent three years restoring it. It is joy, it is his love, it is his passion. FERRIS It is his fault he didn't lock the garage. CAMERON Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself. We can't take is out. FERRIS A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile. CAMERON He never drives it, Ferris. He just rubs it with a diaper. FERRIS We can't pick up Sloane in your car, Cameron. Rooney'd never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit. CAMERON It's not a piece of shit. FERRIS It's a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours. Look, I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do. CAMERON He knows the mileage, Ferris. He has it tatooed on his wrist. FERRIS He doesn't trust you? CAMERON No. FERRIS Alright, look, this is real simple. He puts his arm around Cameron. FERRIS Whatever miles we put on it, we'll take off. CAMERON (suspicious) How? FERRIS (big, proud smile) We'll drive home backwards. Cameron shakes his head, no. CAMERON Forget it. I'm putting my foot down, Ferris. You'll have to think of something else... CU. FERRARI GRILLE Cameron's protests are drowned out by the distinctive roar of the twelve cylinders. CAMERON'S VOICE ...You're not talking me into this one. I have to live with the man. I'm sorry but... The roar of the engine is overtaken by the sound of a crowded school hallway. 85 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 85 She comes out of a classroom. She stops as Sloane and Rooney walk past. Sloane has her coat on and she's carrying her books. Jeanie watches her suspiciously. 86 EXT. SCHOOL 86 The Ferrari is parked out in front. The top is down. 87 INT. FERRARI 87 Ferris is driving. He's wearing a man's hat and sunglasses. Cameron's in the back. CAMERON Are you crazy?! Put the top back up! FERRIS This is perfect top-down weather. CAMERON What about Rooney? FERRIS Cameron, the more obvious we are, the less likely we are to get caught. CAMERON That makes no sense whatsoever. FERRIS The adult mind is a suspicious machine. (look around at Cameron) Stay down, man. Cameron squeezes himself lower. CAMERON Howcome it's my Dad's car and I'm taking all the risk and I have to ride back here? FERRIS I don't have an explanation. 88 EXT. SCHOOL 88 Rooney and Sloane come out the door. ROONEY Once again let me say how deeply saddened I am by your loss. SLOANE Huh? ROONEY Were you close to your grandmother? SLOANE Oh. Um. Yeah. Very. She was a terrific lady. Very hip. Very old. Yeah. DEEP VOICE Oh, Sloane! Dear! Sloane looks across at the Ferrari. Rooney looks. THEIR POV Ferris is looking out across the roof of the Ferrari. He's careful to keep his nose and mouth below the roofline. FERRIS Hurry along now! EXT. SCHOOL Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty farewell. SLOANE I guess that's my Dad. Thanks. See ya. She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does compute for him. 89 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 89 She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away. 90 EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY 90 He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him. 91 INT. FERRARI 91 Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console and gives Ferris a kiss. SLOANE This is so great! I can't believe it! Right in front of Rooney! She laughs and turns to Cameron. SLOANE Hi, Cameron. You comfortable? CAMERON Hi. No. SLOANE What a fabulous car! CAMERON Enjoy it quick. It' s going home. FERRIS It was risky, it was bold but it was totally necessary. SLOANE What're we gonna do? FERRIS The question isn't "what are we gonna do", the question is "what aren't we going to do." CAMERON Don't tell me we're not going to take the car home. Please. FERRIS (to CAMERA) If you had access to a car like this would you take it back right away? Would you give up feeling like a ton just to ease your best friend's tension? He smiles. FERRIS Either would I. 92 EXT. STREET. FERRARI 92 It accelerates away like a shot. 93 EXT. SUBURBAN BANK 93 A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53. The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot. 94 INT. BANK. DOORS 94 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom. Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an open teller window. INT. BANK. TELLER A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees Ferris. TELLER Ferris Bueller? FERRIS He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches. FERRIS Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you? TELLER She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the hair and smiles at it's reappearance. TELLER I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so I'm a little pooped but other than that, I'm as chipper as can be. (something occurs to her) Say, should you be in school? FERRIS He lays his savings bonds on the counter. FERRIS Me? (polite laugh) I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling. In fact. I'm married. This is my wife...Madonna. Sloane suppresses a laugh. FERRIS (to Cameron) And this is my brother-in-law, ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling. Cameron isn't amused. TELLER (to Cameron) Is Top a Slavic name? CAMERON Yeah. FERRIS I'd like to cash these in, please. We're having a baby and we need the cash for a crib, clothes, diapers, food pellets, leash, water dish... INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line drive. TELLER A baby! (to Sloane) You must be so excited. Cameron groans and turns away from the sham. SLOANE I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially looking forward to wearing those jeans with the stretch panel in front. Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds. TELLER Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? SLOANE Actually, we're hoping for a car. CU. CAMERON He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again. HIS POV Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored, sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers. CU. CAMERON It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder. CAMERON Shit... INT. BANK. JOYCE Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm. INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds. TELLER These bonds aren't mature. If you hold onto them another two years you'll get an additional four dollars... FERRIS I'm aware of that. TELLER You're throwing away four dollars. FERRIS No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the government. They need it. Do you know what an aircraft carrier's going for these days? INT. BANK. JOYCE She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out. INT. BANK. DOOR Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce. JOYCE Mrs. Froeling, how are you? MRS. FROELING I passed a kidney stone Tuesday. (shifts gears, to Joyce) Say, you must be very proud. Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about. MRS. FROELING (whispers) I met Madonna. She pats Joyce on the arm. MRS. FROELING She told me everything. Keep me posted, I'll want to send a gift. She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are completely baffled. 95 EXT. BANK 95 Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking lot. JOYCE My son's home sick today. If you wouldn't mind, on our way back to the office, I'd like to just run in and check up on him. We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car. MOTHER Of course. They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look on proudly. 96 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 96 His secretary is dialing a number for him. SECRETARY This is the Peterson's home. She hands the phone to Rooney. SECRETARY Watch your mouth this time. Rooney glares at her. ROONEY Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's no doubt in my mind. That's what I was saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped. He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing now. See? The secretary nods. SECRETARY And her grandmother, too. 97 CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE 97 It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an awful lot like Sloane. SLOANE We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a death in the family. If you need to reach us we'll be at the following number... 98 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 98 Rooney quickly takes down a number. 99 EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE 99 His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice. CAMERON'S VOICE You have reached the Coughlin Bros. Mortuary. We are unable to come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number... 100 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 100 Rooney hangs up the phone. ROONEY Something's going on, goddamn it. The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk. She's not listening to him. SECRETARY There's a railroad strike. ROONEY And I'm going to stop it! SECRETARY My brother-in-law'll appreciate it. Rooney looks at her, puzzled. ROONEY What? SECRETARY My brother-in-law rides the train to work. Rooney stares at her like she's crazy. ROONEY Who gives a good goddamn? 101 EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY 101 The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil Building. 102 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 102 Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with a Coke can. KID Yo. We're collecting money to buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney. Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions her brother's scan has reached. KID They run about fifty g's so it you could help out... JEANIE Go piss up a flagpole! KID Huh? She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall. The kid yells after her. KID Hey, babe! Some day you might need a favor from Ferris Bueller! Then where'll you be?! He reaches for the can. KID Heartless wench... 103 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE 103 The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage. EXT. GARAGE Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits. CAMERON We can't leave the car here! FERRIS Why not? CAMERON Because we can't! I want it back home where it belongs! SLOANE What could happen to it? CAMERON It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched, you name it. FERRIS I'll give the guy a five to watch it. CAMERON What guy? CU. PARKING ATTENDANT He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee. EXT. PARKING LOT The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a give. FERRIS You speak English? ATTENDANT Since I was three. FERRIS Great. I want to you take extra special care of this vehicle, okay? He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles. ATTENDANT Like it's a beautiful woman. FERRIS I appreciate it. The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine. FERRIS See what a finski can do to a person's attitude? He's going to treat it like a beautiful woman. CAMERON Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick and piss on the hood. SLOANE Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to be so graphic? She heads down the street. SLOANE This is so right! Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side. He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads. He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris and Cameron. 104 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 104 Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up the house. 105 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 105 It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet door to the door to the room itself. INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we hear a door open and close. 106 INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY 106 Joyce quietly walks up the stairs. 107 INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY 107 Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING. CU. DOORKNOB Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a crack. HER POV The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves. CU. JOYCE She smiles and closes the door. 108 INT. ROOM. CLOSET 108 The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's original position. CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring. The snoring it simulated. 109 INT. HALLWAY 109 Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with relief and affection. 110 EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER 110 HELICOPTER SHOT moves in on the world's tallest building. As it passes we see three figures pressed against the windows. FERRIS (VO) This is the world's tallest building. From our vantage point here on the 103 floor, we are provided with a view of four states. CAMERON (VO) Do you think the car's alright? FERRIS (VO) Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and my personal favorite, Indiana. 111 INT. SEARS TOWER OBSERVATION DECK 111 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are standing against the window. CAMERON I don't feel good, Ferris. Are we gonna stay long? FERRIS Take a step back... Ferris steps back. Sloane and Cameron follow suit. FERRIS Now, lean against the glass. Like this... He leans forward, putting all his weight on his forehead. FERRIS And look down. Sloane leans forward. Cameron follows, reluctantly. SLOANE Oh, shit! HER POV The street far, far below. A dizzying view. INT. OBSERVATION DECK The three are leaning against the glass. SLOANE What if the glass gives? FERRIS Death. SLOANE Cool. CU. CAMERON He's looking down. CAMERON I think I see my Dad. 112 EXT. STREET LEVEL 112 A middle-aged man, Cameron's father, HORACE FRYE, is standing on the street corner. He's lean, clean, tough and humorless. He's wearing a puzzled look on his face. CAMERON'S FATHER I think I see my car. HIS POV The Ferrari screams down the avenue and disappears down the underground ramp. 113 INT. SEARS TOWER LOBBY 113 Ferris and Sloane bound down the escalator. Cameron follows glumly. They dance past the giant Calder mobile. They're singing. FERRIS AND SLOANE I BEEN ALL 'ROUND THIS GREAT BIG WORLD AND I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF GIRLS YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET BACK IN THE STATES BACK TO THE CUTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA 114 EXT. STREET 114 Ferris and Sloane burst out the doors garnering the annoyed stares of the business people busily going in and out of the building. Cameron politely waits his turn to exit. Ferris and Sloane head down the street. Cameron follows. FERRIS AND SLOANE I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS! 115 EXT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE 115 Giant old monolith. 116 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING ROOM 116 Traders are frantically buying and selling commodities. 117 INT. GALLERY 117 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the gallery watching the proceedings. SLOANE Do you love me? FERRIS Do you love me? SLOANE I asked you first. FERRIS Yes. You? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I trash a day of education to be with you if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I risk damaging a deep and wonderfully enriching relationship with my parents if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I have introduced you as my wife if I didn't love you? SLOANE Wait a minute. That was a lie. FERRIS True. Ferris puts his arm around Sloane. FERRIS Would you want to get married? I mean if I wasn't an asshole. SLOANE Sure. FERRIS (serious) Today? Sloane stares at him. Is he serious. FERRIS I'm game. SLOANE No way! FERRIS I'll do it, if you will. Cameron suddenly adds his two cents. CAMERON You need a blood test. Ferris looks around at him. FERRIS Huh? CAMERON If your blood's not compatible, you could produce a pinhead. The state requires a blood test. FERRIS So? CAMERON So, you can't get married today. FERRIS Tomorrow? CAMERON If you get a blood test today. SLOANE I'm not getting married. CAMERON I'm with you, babe. FERRIS Why not? SLOANE What do you mean, why not? Think about it. FERRIS Besides being too young and your father hating my guts and not having any place to live and feeling awkward about being the only cheer- leader with a husband, give me a good reason why not. CAMERON I'll give you two. My mother and father. Ferris and Sloane look at him curiously. CAMERON They're married and they hate each other. (to Ferris) You've seen them. Am I right? FERRIS You're father's a toad and your Mom's always wired out, but so what? They're old. That's natural. CAMERON It makes me puke. Seeing people treat each other like that. It's like the car. He loves the car. He hates his wife. SLOANE My parents are divorced. So what? It's not like it doesn't happen ten thousand times a day. CAMERON Just because it happens doesn't make it right. Are you comfortable with it? SLOANE No. It's not something I can get comfortable with. I've tried. Are yours divorced? CAMERON They may as well be. SLOANE Do you think they're staying together because of you? Cameron hasn't seen it that way. He shrugs. SLOANE Do they like you? It hasn't occured to Cameron that his parents might not like him. That parental love might not be a given. CAMERON Yeah. Sure. SLOANE Consider this...my father canned me and my brother and my Mom for a twenty five year old dipso with fake tits. He dropped us like a rock. Everything was cool at our house. I thought so. We all thought so. Then BLAM! It's over. FERRIS (to CAMERA) This is all news to me. She keeps a pretty good secret. SLOANE (to Cameron) It was pure selfishness. When I have a kid, I don't care how much I want something, if it's gonna screw-up the kid, forget it. FERRIS (to CAMERA) She's not lying. CAMERON You could change. SLOANE Yeah. But I'm gonna try not to. I'm gonna think about it. I'm gonna try to prevent it. FERRIS This is optomism. It's a common trait with my age group. Adults think it's cute, it's like a charming quick that infests youth. But it's a cool thing and I think, deep down, crusty old shits wish they had some. They wish they had her, too. (points to Sloane) Sorry. She's taken. CAMERON I'd rather not have my family break apart, thank you. SLOANE Well, you know what? It ain't up to you. It's out of your hands. CAMERON So, I in other words, I should just sit back and watch it crumble? SLOANE You're merely an inhabitant in their universe. FERRIS Frightening choice of words. SLOANE They call the shots. When you split from them, you call the shots. CAMERON So, you're saying I should run away? FERRIS No. She's saying it's time for lunch. SLOANE What? FERRIS Let's go feed Cameron. They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his voice. FERRIS BUY! And he exits. Cool and casual. 118 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING FLOOR 118 It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout. We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER. ANNOUNCER Commodity prices rose sharply today in unusually heavy trading... 119 EXT. RESTAURANT 119 A French restaurant on the Gold Coast. It's noon. 120 INT. RESTAURANT 120 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant. Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book. HIS POV His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd returns. MAITRE'D (to Ferris) May I help you? FERRIS Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of three for 12:00. The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously. FERRIS Is there a problem? MAITRE'D You're Abe Frohman? FERRIS I'm Abe Frohman. MAITRE'D (chuckles) I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right now. If you have trouble finding the door... Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her. FERRIS Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am? MAITRE'D Shall I call the police? CAMERON Let's go...Abe. FERRIS I'm not going anywhere. (to the Maitre'd) Call the police. Go ahead. Better yet... (grabs the phone) ...I'll call myself. Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles smuggly. CU. PHONE Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's second line lights up and the phone rings. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the call. Ferris waves him off angrily. FERRIS You touch me and I yell "rat!" There's another phone around here. Find it. The maitre'd backs off. CAMERON Ferris, let's split, please? SLOANE Cameron's right. We're gonna get busted. FERRIS Not a chance in the world. He hands the phone to Sloane. FERRIS Ask for Abe Frohman. INT. RESTAURANT. LATER Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The maitre'd is hovering over Ferris. MAITRE'D I appreciate your understanding. FERRIS Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave us to our repast and all will be forgotten. MAITRE'D Enjoy your luncheon. FERRIS Thank you. The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed. Cameron is flushed with nerves. FERRIS Darling, you were wonderful. SLOANE Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher. FERRIS Cameron, dear friend? Cameron looks to Ferris. FERRIS And you thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you. Ferris disappears behind his menu. 121 EXT. SCHOOL 121 We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE. JEANIE (VO) Ferris Bueller's days are numbered. 122 INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM 122 Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's talking to a FRIEND. JEANIE (mean, vicious) I'm gonna bust his buns. FRIEND Why? What's the point? JEANIE Why? Because I'm sick of the little dope. He manipulates my parents, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he never gets nailed. (wicked pause) Well, babe, today I'm the hammer. She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The straps rip off in her hand. FRIEND I think he's cute. JEANIE Sweetie, it's an established fact that you have no taste. Ferris is not cute. He's not charming. He's not nice. He's not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant mule and the sooner everybody in this school comes to that realization the better off we'll all be. She displays the velcro straps to her friend. JEANIE See? My brother strokes you, you sympathize with him, I get pissed off and this is what happens! Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor. JEANIE Let me tell you something. I study hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm considerate, I'm friendly and fair to all kinds of people. Except morons. I try to be everything a good, decent person should be and you know what? FRIEND Everybody thinks you're an asshole. Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue. JEANIE Excuse me? FRIEND I don't think you're an asshole. JEANIE Who does? Her friend smiles sheepishly. JEANIE Rachel? Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but verbally confirm. JEANIE Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else? FRIEND I don't know. Just forget it. JEANIE Forget that everybody thinks I'm an asshole? Would you like everybody to think you're an asshole? FRIEND Not everybody thinks you're an asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you. JEANIE Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat fifty year old clod with B.O. likes me. Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief. JEANIE Would everybody be happier if maybe I were to die in a flaming car accident or something? FRIEND Maybe if you didn't cat like and asshole... JEANIE Am I acting like an asshole? FRIEND I didn't mean it that way. JEANIE I this a conspiracy to shit all over me or something? Is my brother behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll sock your tits. FRIEND You really do have a problem, Jeanie. JEANIE Me? I have a problem? FRIEND Somebody who threatens to sock people's tits has a problem. JEANIE Alright. How about if I sock your face? Jeanie's friend gets up. FRIEND Take a walk, Jeanie. Her friend exits. JEANIE (yells after her) If it means anything to you, I have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT! She snarls and slumps against the lockers. JEANIE He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat. 123 INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL 123 Ferris is standing at the urinal. FERRIS She's a person who views life as an ordeal that must be endured. Her body is a transport vehicle for her anger. I don't know where she gets this shit. Basically, the family's pretty cool. He looks down at the urinal. FERRIS I wonder if everybody shoots at cigarette butts in urinals? Probably not many women. (continues) I used to think that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it. It used to worry me. Then I met Cameron and I saw how his family functioned. He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal. FERRIS Cameron's home life is really shit. He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick all the time. It really upsets him. What he said about his parents hating each other? I refuse to sleep over at his house. His parents fight all the time. Even when I'm there. Is there anything worse than being at somebody's house when their parents are fighting? It's the absolute height of social discomfort. He checks his hair in the mirror. FERRIS When they go after each other, Cameron tightens up. It's scary. He gets so wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns apart with a crowbar. The thing with taking his old man's car? It's good for him. It teaches him to deal with his fear. Plus, and I must be honest here, I love driving it. I highly recommend picking one up. He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes. Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to the sink. 124 INT. RESTAURANT 124 Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're staring at the plates. CAMERON What is it? SLOANE I don't know. But it looks like it's already been eaten and digested. CAMERON I knew it was a mistake letting Ferris order for us. Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat. FERRIS What are you doing? Cameron looks at Ferris. CAMERON What is this shit? FERRIS You got me. I don't speak French. He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate. FERRIS I think it's a land-based beefoid creature. He takes a bite. He savors the taste. FERRIS Splendid. CAMERON Really? FERRIS Superb. Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively. FERRIS Good? Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes. Ferris stops him. FERRIS Yo, Clouseau! The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly. FERRIS I have a growth on my brain that causes memory lapses. Could you tell me what we ordered here? The waiter glances at the plates. WAITER Sweetbreads. FERRIS Uh, huh. And what might that be? WAITER Pancreas. FERRIS As in the gland that has important functions in digestion and metabolism? CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their mouths. CU. FERRIS He continues his questioning. FERRIS ...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid containing digestive enzymes? The home of the world famous isles of Langerhans? CU. WAITER He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal. CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They look at each other. CU. FERRIS He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue. CU. WAITER He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food. CU. FERRIS He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter. FERRIS Check, please! 125 EXT. RESTAURANT 125 Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold. FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the restaurant. FERRIS 40,000 restaurants in the downtown area and I pick the one my father goes to. CAMERON We're gonna get nabbed, for sure. FERRIS No way, Cameron. Only the meek get nabbed. The bold survive. Let's go. He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly. EXT. STREET. CAB Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab. INT. CAB Ferris slams the door. CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away. EXT. RESTAURANT Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes off. MUSIC COMES UP. 126 EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY 126 The grand old Chicago museum. 127 INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT 127 The main gallery is crowded with school kids. INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands looking like giant grade schoolers. INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane, Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process. INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out. INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray. INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart attack. INT. GERMAN U-BOAT Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button and pulls a lever. CU. PROPELLER For the first time in forty years, the screw turns. CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE The famous stages of life display which features bottled fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar. CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat. Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS. SLOANE (remorsefully) I wonder if he has a name? FERRIS (blank) Ninth Month. 128 EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT 128 From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon. CAMERON (VO) Are you guys worried about nuclear war? FERRIS (VO) Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've won our freedom, we're traveling down one of American's most scenic polluted waterways and you have to bring up nuclear war? SLOANE (VO) It is kind of raggy subject, Cam. CAMERON (VO) Regardless. It's with us every day. The possiblity of global destruction. SLOANE (VO) Don't you think it's an issue because people need something to worry about? They have to like, have some major problem that puts all their little bullshit into some kind of persepective? CAMERON (VO) Maybe. FERRIS They used to have Viet Nam. They used to have the oil crisis stuff and Iran. That's over and people have to have their big issue. It's not like somebody came up with the nuclear holocaust yesterday at noon, you know. SLOANE (VO) To answer your question...No, I'm not worried about it at all. FERRIS (VO) We don't know when the bombs going off. We do know, however, that college starts in the fall. CAMERON (VO) (dramatic, deadly serious) Do you know what a nuclear winter is? Long beat. SLOANE (VO) Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real cold and the skiing's for shit. The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME. EXT. BOAT DOCK The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat. Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed. Discussing the end of the world. SLOANE My step-father's always going off about how when he was young he was committed to all these causes. FERRIS He's full of shit. All the old hippies are full of shit. SLOANE He says I don't care about things like he did. FERRIS What's he care about now? SLOANE Baldness, fatty meats and money. FERRIS I rest my case. CAMERON What's spooky is they still control everything. They took over when they were young and they never gave it up. FERRIS One of the most frightening experiences of my young life has been observing my parents and our neighbors playing the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits. It's chilling to see people crazed with the minutia of their past. CAMERON It's human nature to like what you had better than what you have. SLOANE Agreed. A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest. LOUDSPEAKER TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING... The three look to the left. LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON The Sears Tower. CAMERON You know, this is all very interesting but I'm starving. FERRIS An hour ago you wanted to yack. CAMERON I feel better now. FERRIS Lean over and grab a fish. Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought flashes through Sloane's brain. SLOANE What comes after a nuclear winter? FERRIS Nuclear spring. 129 EXT. SCHOOL 129 Meanwhile... 130 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE 130 Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself. JEANIE It's reprehensible to squeal on your own flesh and blood...but it's for his own good. His cavalier attitude will get him into trouble later in life...and it'll continue to piss me off and I'll get so wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer and he'll ruin my life. Screw him. She slips into the Dean's outer office. 131 INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 131 Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile. SECRETARY Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering you now? Jeanie scowls at her. JEANIE Is Dean Rooney in? SECRETARY I'm sorry, he's out. Can I help you? JEANIE (condescending) I seriously doubt it. When's he back? SECRETARY I don't know. He left the grounds on personal business. 132 EXT. STREET. CU. CURB 132 A car tire rolls into FRAME and stops. Slide across to the sidewalk. Rooney's dress shoe steps out onto the pavement. Move up to reveal Rooney standing at the door of his bile-green LeBaron. Rooney peels off his shades and looks around like he's Dirty Harry. In his mind he is Dirty Harry. CU. FIRE HYDRANT Rooney's dres shoe on the hydrant. He ties his lace and pulls up his sock. EXT. STREET Rooney straightens his tie and jacket and slips into a rowdy hot dog joint. 133 INT. HOT DOG STAND 133 It's jammed with construction workers, secretaries, suburban businessmen. It's loud and confusing. Rooney pushes his way in and scopes the crowd. HIS POV A young person is playing a video game in a far corner. CU. ROONEY He suspects it's Ferris. It look sort of like Ferris. He smiles and cuts into the crowd. CU. THE BACK OF THE VIDEO PLAYER'S HEAD MOVE IN on the player. ROONEY (OC) I've been waiting a long time for this. The player looks up. ROONEY (OC) Your ass is mine. The player turns around. It's a GIRL. CU. ROONEY The blood evacuates his face. He stares at the girl. CU. GIRL She stares at him. She picks up her Coke. She puts the straw to her lips and sucks. CU. ROONEY He's still staring. He can't think of anything to say. CU. GIRL Holding the straw in the mouth, she draws it out of the cup. She raises it, pointing it directly in Rooney's face. CU. ROONEY He squints CU. GIRL She blows a strawful of Coke in Rooney's face. CU. NAPKIN HOLDER A hand yanks a napkin hold. INT. HOT DOG STAND. SERVICE COUNTER Rooney wipes his face. Behind him is the kitchen and a grease-covered TV set broadcasting a Cubs baseball game. There's a long foul ball. The TV camera follows the ball into the stands. A kid makes a stab at the ball. Rooney wipes his suit off. The TV camera zooms in on the boy triumphantly holding the foul ball aloft. It's Ferris. He does a little celebration dance. Rooney wads up the napkin and tosses it in a trashbin. The TV camera returns to the game. Rooney glances at the screen. ROONEY What's the score? HOT DOG MAN Zero to zero. ROONEY Who's winning? HOT DOG MAN Cubs. Rooney nods and exits. 134 EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS 134 Ferris sits down with the baseball. He shakes his stinging paw. On either side of him are Cameron and Sloane. Cameron's scarfing nachos. FERRIS I think I broke my thumb. SLOANE Can we leave now? FERRIS You want to leave? We just got here. SLOANE You got a call, you broke your thumb, what's left to do? Cameron offers his nachos to Sloane. She looks at them with disgust. SLOANE No wonder you're always sick. Ferris leans back, puts his hands behind his head and turns his face to the bright sun. FERRIS Do you realize that if I played by the rules, right now I'd be in gym? 135 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL. PLAYING FIELD 135 A boy's gym class is doing laps. A blue Fiat pulls into the shot. 136 INT. FIAT 136 Jeanie's at the wheel. She sneaks a glance at the school. JEANIE I can't believe my brother's making me put myself in a position where I could get expelled. Selfish little moron. (pause) Ferris? You're overshadowed me long enough. I'm gonna get you, buddy. She puts the car in gear and drives out of the shot. 137 EXT. STATE STREET 137 A parade is underway. Floats and politicians. Marching bands, drum and bugle corps, soldiers, school kids. Figure skating club in outfits and skates performing their routines on pavement. It's GERMAN-AMERICAN APPRECIATION DAY. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Riding atop on a float is Ferris. He's waving to the crowd. He and half a dozen homely German-American Beauty Queens. He's leading the girls in singing, "DANKE SHOEN". EXT. STATE STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They're watching Ferris go by. They wave to him. SLOANE I love him. CAMERON It's hard not to. Cameron breaks a smile. As worried as he is about the day and getting caught, he has to admire Ferris for his lack of inhabitions. Cameron mumbles a few words. CAMERON Stop...water...want... SLOANE Do you believe in reincarnation? CAMERON Huh? SLOANE Do you believe that you lived before? CAMERON Yeah. Sort of. SLOANE DO you ever wonder what you were? CAMERON I don't have to wonder. I know. Sloane looks at him with amazement. CAMERON I was a tractor tire. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is on his knees, reaching down from the float, shaking hands with people in the crowd. FERRIS Guten tag, dude! EXT. STATE STREET Sloane and Cameron continue their conversation. CAMERON What were you in a previous life? SLOANE I'm not sure but I think I know who Ferris was. CAMERON Hannibal. SLOANE From the A-Team? CAMERON No. The guy who rode the elephants into Switzerland. Sloane laughs at herself. They step out of the crowd and head down the street in the direction the parade's heading. SLOANE I think if he was anybody, he was Magellan. You know, the guy who went around the world. Cameron nods. SLOANE I could see him ignoring popular belief and taking off on some impossible mission. CAMERON Yeah. As long as I've known him, everything works for him. There's nothing he can't handle. I can't handle anything. School, parents, the future. Ferris can do anything. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is playing "TWIST AND SHOUT" on the accordian. The girls on the float are singing. FERRIS WELL, SHAKE IT UP, BABY, NOW! GIRLS SHAKE IT UP, BABY FERRIS TWIST AND SHOUT! GIRLS TWIST AND SHOUT! FERRIS COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, BABY ON! COME ON AND WORK IT ON OUT! GIRLS WORK IT ON OUT! EXT. STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They continue their conversation. SLOANE The future's worse for a boy, isn't it? Cameron doesn't understand what she means. SLOANE A girl can always bail out and have a baby and get some guy to support her. CAMERON That's a pretty grim thought. SLOANE True, but it's an option. No options is worse. CAMERON I don't know what I'm gonna do. SLOANE College. CAMERON Yeah, but to do what? SLOANE What are you interested in? CAMERON Nothing. SLOANE Me either. They walk on for a few beats. We HEAR "TWIST AND SHOUT" GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER. The sons is taking over all the other tunes in the band. It's infecting the entire parade. CAMERON What do you think Ferris is gonna do? EXT. STATE STREET. MARCHING BAND They're playing TWIST AND SHOUT. EXT. STREET. MOUNTED POLICE OFFICER He's singing. POLICE OFFICER YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET. PUNKS A band of PUNKS are dancing on the roof of a news kiosk. PUNKS LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN A WOMAN and her two TODDLERS sing along. WOMAN YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO FINE! TODDLERS LOOK SO FINE! EXT. STREET. BLACK TEENAGER He's wearing a shower cap and a maroon overcoat. TEENAGER COME ON AND TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. OLD NEWSPAPER SELLER He singing along. NEWSPAPER SELLER TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. CHOIR GROUP They're marching down the parade. They're singing in their angleic voices. CHOIR AND LET ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. STREET CLEANERS With their brooms ready... STREET CLEANERS KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. DECK The entire parade is singing and playing "TWIST AND SHOUT". EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The POLITICIANS and their WIVES stand up. POLITICIANS AND WIVES AH! EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The CLERGYMEN stand. CLERGYMEN AH! EXT. STREET. VETERANS Marching in formation and in WWII uniforms. VETERANS AH! EXT. STREET. FLOAT Ferris leads the Beauty Queens in the rousing finale. FERRIS AH! EXT. STREET. WIDE AND HIGH The entire parade is at frenzy pitch. PARADE AHHHHH! The SOUND OF THE VOICES blends with the SOUND OF A RED-LINED HIGH PERFORMANCE ENGINE. 138 EXT. CALUMET CITY 138 The Port of Chicago. Grim, gritty waterfront. Suddenly, Cameron's father's car flies OVER CAMERA. Like the opening shot in Star Wars. The Starship Ferrari. SLO-MO. CU. FERRARI UNDER-CARRIAGE It travels past to reveal a beautiful blue sky. SLO-MO. CU. PARKING ATTENDANT His eyes are wide with exhilaration. Mouth open, tongue out. Maniac at the wheel. SLO-MO. CU. RASTAMAN His eyes are closed. Big smile. SLO-MO, EXT. STREETS. KIDS They're looking up in the air, following the car as it flies over them. Broad, excited smiles. The car's shadow passes over them. SLO-MO. 139 CU. CAR GRILLE 139 It fills the frame and stops. We MOVE UP to reveal Rooney behind the wheel of his car. EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE Rooney gets out of his car. He looks at the house, looks up and down the street, then crosses to Ferris' house. 140 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 140 Rooney's at the front door. We see him peek in a window at the top of the door. The doorbell rings. 141 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM. COMPUTER 141 It acknowledges the doorbell. CU. CASSETTE PLAYER It clicks on. 142 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT PORCH 142 The house intercom activates. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE. FERRIS Who is it? Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY This is Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd like to have a word with you. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absenses. There's a pause. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY B.S. Come down here. FERRIS' VOICE You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after this illness has past. His voice clicks off. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY I'm not leaving until you come down and talk to me. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY I'm not leaving, Ferris. There's no response. Rooney rings the doorbell again. The pre-recorded litany starts over. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? Rooney doesn't realize that he's listening to a recording. ROONEY Don't get smart with me Ferris! FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition... Rooney leans back from the door. He can't quite figure out what's going on. But's it's highly suspicious. 143 INT. HOUSE. LIVING ROOM 143 Rooney steps through the hedges and peeks in the windows. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE inside. FERRIS' VOICE You may reach my parents at their places of business. 144 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 144 Rooney tries to peak in the kitchen window. FERRIS' VOICE I appreciate your conern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after... 145 EXT. HOUSE. BACKDOOR 145 A black rubber doggie door. The type that allows a dog to come and go as it pleases. Rooney is crouched down. He lifts the doggie door and peeks in the house. HIS POV Along the kitchen floor. Through the kitchen, into the dining room. We hear a LARGE DOG GROWL. CU. ROONEY He's peaking through the door. He hears the dog. His face freezes. FERRIS Have a nice day. EXT. HOUSE. DOGGIE DOOR A Rottweiler bursts through the doggie door in a fury of gnashing teeth and foam. 146 CU. LARGE BREASTS 146 Tassled pasties twirl like airplane propellers. CU. CAMERON, FERRIS AND SLOANE They're sitting in a booth in the garish, nearly deserted strip joint. Cameron's mouth is open in amazement. Sloane is embarrassed and revolted. CAMERON How does she do that? One goes one way, one goes the other. FERRIS She's probably schizophrenic. SLOANE Ferris, this is nauseating me. Really. I'm losing respect for you by the bucket. FERRIS You don't think it's amazing that we got in? SLOANE Who wants to get in? FERRIS Cameron looks like a toddler, for Christ's sake. I'm talking about a major achievement in false identification. SLOANE I'm not interested in watching someone jiggle their mammary glands. FERRIS Point well taken. But consider why she does it. Why she does it and you don't. SLOANE I'm not a tramp. FERRIS Maybe her life fell apart. Maybe she lost somebody. A lover. A boyfriend. A parent. A child... (to CAMERA) This kind of thing makes me a little depressed. You may think because I'm the age I am that I'm a sex maniac. That sex is all I think about. But that's not true. I'm a romantic. I think alot of people my age are. We think about love and matters of the heart. And SAT scores and acne aside, we worry about lonliness. It's a terrible thing. And we feel it. I feel it. He flips his collar up, curls his lip and affects an Elvis impression. A sappy, do-wop track FADES UP. The club lights go down. Cameron and Sloane disappear into darkness. Ferris stands up from the booth. He strolls slowly through the empty club as the stripper bumps and grinds in a pool of blue light. FERRIS You know, someone said the world's a stage and each must play a part. Fate had me playing in love, with you as my sweetheart. Act one was when we met. I loved you at first glance. You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue. Then came act two. You seemed to change. You acted strange. And why, I've never known. He climbs up on the little runway. The stripper disappears in darkness as Ferris takes over the spotlight. FERRIS Honey, you lies when you said you loved me and I had no cause to doubt you. But I'd rather go on hearing your lies than to go on living without you. Now, the stage is bare and I'm standing there with emptiness all around and if you won't come back to me, then they can bring the curtain down... Elvis fades up. The orignal recording. Ferris lip synchs with the big, dramatic florish that was the King's trademark ballad sign-off. ELVIS IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN? SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN? TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? Ferris drops his head. Like the King would. 147 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET. CAMERON'S CAR 147 Cameron's father is looking at the car. He's studying it. It looks terribly familiar. He leans into the open car and reaches for the glovebox to see if the contents will confirm if it's his. He freezes. He looks up slowly. HIS POV The Attendant and the Rastaman are glowering at him. They're holding bags of fried chicken. ATTENDANT You looking for something in my car? CU. CAMERON'S FATHER He shakes his head, no. CAMERON'S FATHER No. 148 EXT. FERRIS' TOWN. JEANIE 148 Jeanie's standing at her car. She's staring incredulously into the distance. Her mouth's open. She's shaking her head slowly. HER POV Spray-painted on the town water tower in gigantic black letters -- SAVE FERRIS BUELLER. CU. JEANIE She's furious. JEANIE I'm gonna microwave his nuts... 149 EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE 149 Afternoon traffic. 150 INT. TAXI CAB 150 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron in the backseat of a checker. Ferris is on one window, Cameron on the other. Sloane's in the middle. Ferris is talking to the DRIVER. FERRIS So... He leans forward and reads the driver's name off the city license. FERRIS So, Yuri, how long have you been in America? DRIVER One year. FERRIS What's your overall impression? DRIVER It's very good here. FERRIS Better than Russia? DRIVER Much better here than in Russia. FERRIS Clearly you've never been to an American high school. Ferris sits back. He puts his arm around Sloane. CAMERON It's getting late, Ferris. I have to get the car home. I know you don't care, but it means my ass. FERRIS You think I don't care? CAMERON I know you don't care. FERRIS That hurts, Cameron. SLOANE Jump back, Ferris, Cameron's been a good sport. FERRIS Cameron, what'd you see today? Cameron looks at him. FERRIS You saw four states, a submarine, a giant heart, seventy five dollars worth of cooked pancreas, two of the most incredible breasts ever to come out of modern plastics, major league baseball and... (quizical look) Are you gonna chuck your nachos? Cameron's staring past Ferris. He's frozen. Ferris realizes he's looking at something out the window. He turns. He freezes. HIS POV In the gridlock traffic, their cab is squeezed tight alongside another cab. In that cab is Tom. He's about a foot from Ferris. He turns and looks right into CAMERA. TOM'S POV Ferris' frozen face. FERRIS' POV Tom glances back at his paper. He pauses. Looks up. Thinks. Turns back to CAMERA. TOM'S POV Sloane is sitting where Ferris was. She's wearing sunglasses, looking bored. She turns and glances out the window. Fakes a yawn. HER POV Tom stares at her. He's baffled. He looks away. INT. CAB. FLOOR. Cameron and Ferris are on the floor. On their asses, with their backs to the back of the front seat, feet up on the seat. FERRIS (to Sloane) What's he doing? SLOANE (revolted) He's looking at me and he's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands. FERRIS What?! Sloane bursts out laughing. SLOANE Roast! She licks her finger and touches Ferris knee. She makes a sizzling sound. She collapes on the seat in hysterics. INT. TOM'S CAB Tom's looking into Ferris' cab. HIS POV Sloane's bouncing up and down. CU. TOM He can't quite figure out what's going on. He turns and slowly raises his newspaper over his face. We see on the back of the paper a small story with the headline: COMMUNITY RALLIES AROUND SICK YOUTH. 151 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD. DOG 151 The Rottweiler's chewing on a shoe. Tearing it apart. EXT. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's standing outside the fence. He's missing a shoe. His suit pants are torn from the crotch to the knee. His suit coat pocket is torn off. His hair's messed and there're grass-stains on his knees and elbows. He's looking in at the dog. ROONEY That's a $28.00 dress shoe, you worthless mutt! HIS POV The Rottweiler leaps at CAMERA. 152 EXT. CITY STREET 152 Ferris is leading the way down Michigan Avenue. He's hustling through the crowd. He has Sloane by the hand. She's jogging to keep up. Cameron's a few steps behind. He keeps bumping into people. Ferris and Sloane make the turn at Wacker Driver and disappear into the Stone Container Building. Cameron follows, mumbling again. CAMERON Money...tits...please... 153 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 153 A florist truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY MAN gets out iwth a huge floral arrangement. He heads up to the house. 154 EXT. HOUSE. PORCH 154 Rooney's sitting on the porch patting a bloody knee with his handkerchief. The delivery man hops up on the steps. Rooney looks up at him. He greets Rooney cheerily. DELIVERY MAN Howdy! He presses the doorbell. A beat and we hear Ferris' recording. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? The Deliver Man presses the intercom. DELIVERY MAN Focus on Flowers. I have a delivery. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry but I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid... ROONEY FERRIS' VOICE It's a recording, asshole. ...that in my weakened condition, I could take a DELIVERY MAN nasty spill and subject What's your problem? myself to further school absenses... ROONEY (pause) He's one of my students. You can reach my parents at their places of DELIVERY MAN business. Thank you for Little bugger's dying. stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well- ROONEY being. It will be What? remembered long after this illness has passed. DELIVERY MAN As I heard it from our mailman he was supposedly born with only half a kidney. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. DELIVERY MAN (to the intercom) Thank you. (continues) I don't know the details. But my boss had to send to Milwaukee to get more orchids. He's very popular. Rooney is flabbergasted. DELIVERY MAN Nobody's home here? ROONEY No. DELIVERY MAN You gonna be around for awhile? ROONEY I imagine so. DELIVERY MAN You wanna keep an eye on these? Rooney looks at the flowers. Then he looks at the Delivery Man. DELIVERY MAN (happy sigh) It really touches me that so many people are rallying behind this guy. I guess there's hope for the human race afterall. He hands the arrangement to Rooney. DELIVERY MAN Gotta run. He bounds off the porch and trots to the truck. Rooney looks incredulously at the arrangement. He opens the attached card. ROONEY (defeated) Oh, Christ... CU. CARD It's signed: ALL OUR BEST FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY THE ENGLISH DEPT. FACULTY AND STAFF 155 INT. RADIO STATION STUDIO 155 The number one afternoon FM rock'n roll D.J. is sitting behind his microphone. D.J. I don't know who that was or what they were playing but I apologize for it nonetheless. (pause) I have a guest with me today... 156 INT. STUDIO. FERRIS 156 He put his headphones on. 157 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 157 Jeanie's car pull in the driveway. We hear her car radio. D.J. His name is Ferris Mueller. FERRIS Bueller. Ferris Bueller. INT. CAR. JEANIE She goes into shock. Her eyes blink, her head cocks. D.J. Sorry about that. FERRIS It's cool. Jeanie draws back and punches out her radio. CU. CAR ANTENNA The impact of her blow to the radio shoots the antenna in the air. 158 INT. STUDIO 158 Ferris leans forward and adjusts the microphone. D.J. He has an incredible story. Ferris turns to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm going to tell a massive lie here. It's going to by very thick and very steamy. I think radio's a facinating medium, it challenges the imagination. Unlike television which provides the images, radio... (pause) You know this. Anyway, it's always been a dream of mine to be on the radio. I have what I consider to be an excellent broadcast voice. I practise it in the bathroom all the time. I used to play records and do introductions to them. But I've never had the chance to sit behind a microphone and try it out for real. This is a 50,000 watt outlet. I'm going out to several million people so let me just say, I'm in a very pleasant groove right now. (clears his voice, speaks into the mike, affects a "radio" voice) Well, Steve, you and your listeners are probably not going to believe this but... 159 INT. SCHOOL 159 A group of kids are sitting around a blaster. FERRIS' VOICE ...I'm the first Chicago area youth to be selected to participate in a space shuttle mission. 160 INT. STUDIO 160 Ferris turns from the mike to CAMERA. FERRIS I was going to say I knew Springsteen's home phone number and I was going to give out the number of the New Jersey State Police but I thought I might get busted. After I got flunked in driver's ed for sideswiping a mail box, which was not in any way, shape or from my fault. I was putting out a cigarette, like I was told. It was weird. I'm so used to getting in a car and lighting up, because I'm not allowed to smoke at home, that I got in the driver's ed. car and spaced completely, pulled out of the lot, lit up a 'boro and Mrs. Heller looked at me like I'd just pulled a bunny out of my nose or something and I realized what the hell I was doing and I went to put it out and hit the mail box. Anyway, I was so pissed off at her reaction to the whole thing that I considered running an ad in a sleaze magazine for a school teacher that does phone sex and I was gonna use Mrs. Heller's home number but is cost too much. I took it again and passed. But I had to work at Burger King to get the cash to pay for the driver's ed. car. The car got fixed in auto shop for nothing and I think Rooney pocketed the cash. But I can't prove it? I'm in high school, remember? He turns back to the DJ. D.J. How did you get picked for this. FERRIS It's kind of a long story but I've been doing alot of programming for NASA. 161 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 161 A even larger group of kids is listening to the blaster. They're cheering him on. 162 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD 162 The Rottweiler is laying unconscious on the lawn. The flower arrangement is scattered all over the yard and the ceramic vase the flowers were in has obviously struck the dog. The broken pieces are all around the dog's head. EXT. FERRIS HOUSE. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's smiling with great satisfaction. ROONEY Sleep tight, pooch. He hears something in the house. His head snaps around. He drops down and peek in the windows. HIS POV A glimpse of a fleeting figure. CU. ROONEY His eyes dance in anticipation of revenge. 163 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM 163 Jeanie kicks the door open. The yardstick flings the covers and the pillows beneath them in the air. She stomps in and turns off the snoring synthesizer. JEANIE I knew it! She grabs the phone and sits down. She dials a number. 164 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 164 Rooney sneaks around the side of the house. He slinks up on the porch. The front door's open. He peeks in. 165 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 165 Jeanie's on the phone. JEANIE Is Mrs. Bueller there? Where is she? This is her daughter. Do you know where she is? Do you know when she'll be back? Do you know anything? She slams the phone down. JEANIE The worm has luck like clams have body odor... She's startled by a noise downstairs. A smile spreads across her face. He's back and she's going to nail him. 166 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 166 Rooney sneaks into the house. He looks around the foyer and heads into the kitchen. 167 INT. HOUSE. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY 167 Jeanie tiptoes down the stairs. 168 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 168 Rooney sneaks through the kitchen into the den. 169 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 169 Jeanie comes down the stairs into the foyer. 170 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 170 Rooney comes out of the den, back into the kitchen. He crosses back toward the foyer. 171 INT. FOYER 171 Jeanie sneaks into the kitchen. 172 INT. KITCHEN 172 Jeanie and Rooney come face-to-face. Jeanie squeals in horror. She doesn't recognize Rooney as himself but as an intruder. She drops into a karate stance and kicks Rooney in the face. He hits the deck. She flees back up the stairs. 173 INT. CAR 173 Boyd is sitting in the backseat of Joyce's car listening to the radio. FERRIS' VOICE My input on the Star Wars defense plan was pretty substantial so I guess this is their way of rewarding me. I'm pretty flattered. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients leave a show house and head toward the car. INT. CAR Boyd looks out the window as his parents and Joyce appear. D.J. VOICE Can you stay around and take a few phone calls? FERRIS' VOICE I'd really like to but I have a kidney operation in about an hour. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients take one last look at the house. JOYCE If you're willing to commit a little time and a little money to this place, you can really have something to be proud of. Don't let the black living room throw you off. She opens the car door. INT. CAR The door opens. D.J. VOICE I wish you the best of luck. FERRIS' VOICE Thanks, Steve. D.J. VOICE A very interesting guy, Ferris Bueller. Joyce gets in. The clients get in the other side. A song starts. JOYCE (to the kid) Well, Boyd, how are you bearing up? The kid stares at her. JOYCE Did I tell you I have a son your age? BOYD Twice. JOYCE His name is Ferris. I think you'd like him. Boyd sits up in the seat at the mention of Ferris' name. BOYD Is he going up in the space shuttle in September? Joyce looks around at Boyd. She gives him a curious look. JOYCE Not that I know of. BOYD I knew he was bullshitting. MOTHER Watch your mouth. BOYD How do you watch your mouth? JOYCE Do you know my son? FATHER Don't pay any attention to him. He thinks it's cute to bait adults. BOYD I don't think it's cute. I think it's fun. Joyce give him a puzzled smile and starts the car. 174 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 174 Jeanie's on the phone. She's in a panic. JEANIE This is not a phoeny phone call. There's an intruder, male caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird, in our kitchen. (pause) My name is Bueller. There's another pause. Jeanie's face drops. JEANIE It's real nice that you hope my brother's feeling better but I'm in danger, okay? I'm very cute, I'm very alone and I'm very protective of my body. I'd rather not have it violated or killed. I need help! 175 INT. KITCHEN 175 Rooney's plugging his bloody nose with paper towel. The intercom goes on. JEANIE'S VOICE Excuse me. If whoever's in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I have just called the police. If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get your ass out of my house real quick. Rooney stiffens with fear. JEANIE'S VOICE I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun. And a scorching case of herpes. 176 EXT. STREET 176 Rooney's car is hooked to a tow truck. It's parked in front of a fire hydrant and the windshield is decorated with parking citations. In the distance SIRENS WAIL. 177 EXT. PARKING LOT 177 The three are waiting for the Ferrari. We HEAR TIRES SQUEALING, AN ENGINE REVING-OUT. Then the Ferrari pulls down the ramp and jams to a frightening stop. A BLACK GUY jumps out. Ferris hands him the parking stub. FERRIS Just out of curiosity, what was your top speed coming down the ramp? BLACK GUY (matter-of-fact) About 60. FERRIS Stunning! He hands him a buck and opens the door and pulls the passenger seat forward for Cameron. FERRIS This is probably the last time you'll have to ride back here. Keep that in mind. Cameron gives him a look and squeezes in. 178 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET 178 The Ferrari cruises through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane's in the passenger seat. Ferris is driving and Cameron is crammed in the back. SLOANE What's next. CAMERON Nothing. We return the car. SLOANE We could go to my house. My parents aren't coming home until late. FERRIS We have enough cash left for a quick flight to Peoria and back. CAMERON Very funny. Ferris looks in the mirror and changes lanes. He glances down at the speedometer, then to the road. And back to the speedometer. FERRIS Cameron? How many miles did you say this thing had when we left? CAMERON One hundred and twenty six and halfway between three and four tenths. Why? How many miles are on it now? He glances down at the speedometer. CU. SPEEDOMETER The odometer reads 432.7. FERRIS (to CAMERA) Here's where Cameron goes berserk. EXT. TRAFFIC The Ferrari pulls up at a stop light. We HEAR A THUNDERING, MUFFLED SCREAM. EXT. EXPRESSWAY The Ferrari is buzzing through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane turns in her seat and looks at Cameron. Her gesture is one of genuine support. SLOANE You okay? CU. CAMERON His eyes are frozen in a mindless, vacant stare. CU. FERRIS He looks at Sloane. He's concerned. FERRIS Hey, Cameron. It's okay. We'll fix it. CU. CAMERON He's still holding the stare. He starts to breathe heavily. He's trembling. CU. SLOANE She whips around in the seat and grabs his arms. SLOANE Cameron! Cut it out! What's wrong?! Ferris! CU. FERRIS He shoots Sloane a look. FERRIS Cameron, are you okay? It's no problem, really. Your old man won't know a thing. It's completely fixable. INT. FERRARI Sloane fires an angry look at Ferris. SLOANE Shut-up! It is a problem! For him it's a problem. Nothing's a problem for you. But it's a problem for him! So, just shut-up. She turns back to Cameron. SLOANE What can I do, Cameron? CU. FERRIS Eyes front. He knows what he's doing. 179 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. FOYER 179 The doorbell rings. The Ferris' tape is activated. FERRIS VOICE Who is it? We hear a MALE VOICE over the intercom. VOICE Anybody home? FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry that I can't come to the door right now... The tape continues as Jeanie hurtles down the stairs. JEANIE I'm saved! Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you! She jumps the last few stairs and slides to the front door. She whips it open. 180 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT DOOR 180 The door swings open. JEANIE Thank...you... Her jaw goes slack. She blinks her eyes. HER POV The Delivery Man and a young ASSISTANT are standing at the door with floral arrangements. Spread all around them are more flowers. A sexy singing NURSE and a BALLOON MAN steps up on the porch. NURSE (sings) WE HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER WE HOPE YOU'RE FELLING FIT WE... The door slams shut. 181 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET 181 Rooney's walking down the street. A school bus is crawling alongside him as kids hang out the windows. From inside we hear SHOUTING and seventeen different SONGS PLAYING ON BLASTERS. A top forty montage. KID Hey, Mr. Rooney! What're you doing? Rooney doesn't respond. ANOTHER KID Did you get in a fight? Rooney keep walking. The bus doors open. The DRIVER calls out to him. DRIVER You want a lift? Rooney takes a few more steps. He stops. The bus stops. Rooney takes a deep breath. He climbs aboard the bus. 182 INT. BUS 182 The bus is jammed with WONKS and WEINERETTES. The passengers are silent as they watch Rooney shuffle down the aisle and take an empty seat next to a skinny, myopic GIRL. CU. GIRL She looks at Rooney and smiles. She pushes her Coke bottle glasses up on her nose. CU. ROONEY He looks vacantly at her. CU. GIRL She holds her smile. GIRL I'll bet you never smelled a real school bus before. CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She holds up a candy package. GIRL Gummi Bear? CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She puts one in her mouth. GIRL They've been in pocket. They're real soft and warm. CU. BOY A rotund FRESHMAN BOY sitting across from Rooney is staring at him. CU. ROONEY He looks across to the kid. CU. BOY He leans forward. FRESHMAN BOY It's kind of like being in the belly of the beast isn't it? CU. ROONEY He turns him eyes to the front. The bus jerks forward and pulls away. 183 EXT. BUS 183 It grinds through the gears as it heads down the quiet street. The BLASTERS go back on, the SHOUTING RESUMES. 184 EXT. PARK 184 Cameron's laying on a picnic table. Sloane's sitting beside him on the table. She's stroking his hair. Ferris WALKS INTO THE FOREGROUND. He addresses CAMERA. FERRIS This may very well be for real. I think Cameron might have blown a micro-chip or two. He's always been a little keyed-up. All I wanted to do was give him a good day. We're gonna graduate in a couple of months. Then we have the summer. He'll work and I'll work. And we'll see each other at night and on the weekends but then he'll go to one school and I'll go to another. And basically that'll be it. As much as we like each other, the process of growing up will separate us. He begins to walk. We follow him. FERRIS Sloane's a bigger problem. She still has another year of high school. How do I deal with that? I was serious when I said I'd marry her. I would. This isn't just teenage infatuation. That's what my parents call it. What do they call what they have? If that's love, I'll take infatuation. CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. Sloane's stroking his hair. FERRIS (VO) Cameron's never been in love. At least no one's ever been in love with him. He's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like shit because he's gonna kiss her ass for giving him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existance. She won't respect him because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work. CU. SLOANE She's studying Cameron's face. She looks away. SLOANE Ferris? CU. FERRIS He looks to the picnic table. Then back to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm being tested here. He starts back to the picnic table. FERRIS My best friend has flipped-out. Conventional wisdom would suggest a visit to the nearest trauma center. I wouldn't fault anybody for doing that. My, personally, I think this calls for something new, something bold, something wet and wild. 185 CU. JACUZZI JET 185 UNDERWATER SHOT. A hyrdojet spews a gush of air bubbles. CU. BLASTER A finger pushes the PLAY button on the cassette. MUSIC COMES UP. CU. BEER CAN LID The finger pops a beer. CU. OREO PACKAGE A painted fingernail pierces the cellophane wrapper. INT. JACUZZI Ferris and Sloane are in Sloane's parents' Jacuzzi. Their clothes are tosssed around the deck. Cameron's been placed in a patio chair at the edge of the Jacuzzi. He's still catatonic. He's mummbling softly. Ferris is drinking a beer. Sloane's eating Oreos. FERRIS You feeling any better, Cameron? SLOANE The water's really nice. I wish you'd come in. CU. CAMERON Staring into space. CAMERON Surgery...fire...move... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They look at each other. She offers him a cookie. He offers her his beer. FERRIS Cameron? Do you think this because of the car or is it a combination of everything shitty in your life? CU. CAMERON He doesn't respond. CAMERON Music...kiss...attack... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS Sloane sips the beer. FERRIS You just can't deal with anymore shit? The car took you into the red zone? Time for a reality check? SLOANE Cameron? I could flip real easy, too. There's nothing wrong with it. At one time or another, everybody goes to the zoo. FERRIS Maybe he was actually sick. Maybe he wasn't bullshitting himself. CU. CAMERON No response. CAMERON Gesundheit...God...mercy... EXT. BACKYARD Ferris and Sloane watch their catatonic friend. CU. CAMERON He smiles. CU. SLOANE She leans forward and stares at Cameron. CU. FERRIS He cocks his head, wondering what Cameron's up to. CU. CAMERON He keels over forward. EXT. BACKYARD Cameron falls out of the chair and splashes down, face-first, into the water. Sloane screams. Ferris leaps for him. UNDERWATER Ferris struggles with Cameron's lifeless bulk. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. Ferris thrashes around in the water. UNDERWATER Ferris grabs Cameron's collar and rips him out of the water. EXT. BACKYARD Ferris sits Cameron on the edge of the Jacuzzi. FERRIS CAMERON! CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. He's lifeless. CU. FERRIS His face is a mask of terror. He shakes Cameron. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. CU. CAMERON A smile spreads across his face. CU. FERRIS He sees the smile. He stops shaking Cameron. EXT. JACUZZI Ferris and Cameron are looking at each other. Sloane's still screaming. She realizes that Cameron's okay. She stops screaming. SLOANE What? FERRIS (Cameron) You asshole! Cameron's smiling. SLOANE What? Ferris starts to laugh. Cameron explodes with laughter. Sloane's bewildered. SLOANE What's so funny? 186 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 186 Jeanie's sitting on a wooden bench with a WASTED TEENAGE BOY in a Triumph t-shirt, long hair, torn jeans, creepers, studs and chains. He's studying her. BOY Drugs? JEANIE No, thank you. I'm straight. BOY I meant, are you here for drugs? Jeanie stares at him. JEANIE Why are you here? BOY Drugs. JEANIE I don't know why I'm here. BOY Then why don't you go home? JEANIE Why don't you put your thumb up your butt? The boy stares at her. BOY You want to talk about your problem? JEANIE With you? Are you serious? BOY Yeah, I'm serious. JEANIE Blow yourself. Jeanie turns away. The boy crosses his legs. Jeanie looks back at him. JEANIE You really want to know what's wrong? The boy shrugs. JEANIE Alright. If you've got the time, I've got the troubles. In a nutshell, I hate my brother. How's that? BOY That's cool. Did you shoot him or something? JEANIE No, not yet. The boy nods. He understands the emotion. JEANIE I went home to confirm that the shithead was ditching school and a guy broke into the house and I called the cops and they picked me up for making a phoney phone call. BOY What do you care if your brother ditches school? Jeanie stares at the boy. JEANIE Why should he get to ditch school when everybody else has to go? BOY You could ditch. JEANIE I'd get caught. BOY So, you're pissed at him because he ditches and doesn't get caught? JEANIE Basically. The boy nods knowingly. BOY Then your problem is you. JEANIE Excuse me? BOY Excuse you. You oughta spend a little more time dealing with yourself and a little less time worrying about what your brother does. It's just an opinion. Jeanie stares angrily at him. Partly because he's so bold and partly because he's so right. BOY There's somebody you should talk to. Jeanie stares at him threateningly. JEANIE If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle. BOY You know him? CU. JEANIE'S HAND It curls into a fist. 187 CU. FERRARI TIRE 187 It's spinning rapidly. CY. ACCELERATOR A brick's resting on the accelerator, holding it down. INT. CAMERON'S GARAGE Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the garage. The Ferrari is jacked up. The wheels are turning. The engine's racing. CAMERON The whole time I was just thinking things over. I was like, meditating. I was thinking about the future. And I realized it doesn't make and difference if the present goes to shit. FERRIS I have a agree with you there. SLOANE Really. CAMERON I've been thinking all day that if you could only have the use of one word, what would it be? FERRIS Sloane is naked before your eyes and you're thinking about words? SLOANE God bless you, Cameron. CAMERON Thank you, Sloane. CAMERON If you guys only had one word, what would it be? FERRIS I can't believe you'd think up something like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi right in front of you. SLOANE Come on, Ferris, answer his question. FERRIS Bathroom. SLOANE I'd say... She thinks. FERRIS Cash. CAMERON It's the only word you could ever use. FERRIS Hello. SLOANE Love. FERRIS And what is you loathe somebody? Are you going to say "love" every time you see them? SLOANE It's better than "hello". FERRIS Hellos' generic. SLOANE You wanna be generic? CAMERON It's help. Cameron smiles at his wisdom. Ferris and Sloane think about it. It's a good choice. Cameron gets up and walks to the Ferrari. CAMERON The word is help. Cameron peeks in the window. CU. ODOMETER Nothing's happening. INT. GARAGE Cameron pulls his head out of the car. CAMERON Ferris? It's not working. Ferris looks up. CAMERON The miles aren't coming off, running it in reverse. FERRIS I thought that might be a problem. Let's crack open the odometer and roll it back by hand. Cameron shakes his head. CAMERON I got a better idea. It's cool. He walks back around behind the Ferrari. CAMERON Seventeen years and I've never taken a stand. Now, I'm gonna do it. I'm taking a stand against my father, against my family, against myself, against my past, my present and my future. I will not sit idly by as events that affect me unfold to change the course of my life. I will take a stand and I will defend it. When my father comes home tonight, he's finally going to have to deal with me. Good or bad, I'm taking a stand. CU. FERRIS He turns to CAMERA. FERRIS This is a big U-2 fan. CU. SLOANE She smiles proudly at Cameron. She applauds him. CU. CAMERON He's serious and determined. He has made up his mind and it appears that it won't be changed by anyone but himself. CU. TIRES It's spinning wildly. CU. MERCEDES BUMPER Cameron's foot rests on the bumper. A beat and it gives a mighty shove. CU. TIRE The spinning tires slam down on the cement. INT. GARAGE Cameron has kicked the Ferrari off the jack. It squeals out of the garage in a cloud of blue tire smoke. A $50,000 unmanned investment heading backwards down a driveway. CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They're in shock. EXT. HOUSE The Ferrari shoots down the driveway. INT. GARAGE Cameron watches the car go. He's strangely placcid about the impending disaster. Ferris and Sloane are bewildered. THEIR POV The Ferrari travels down the driveway, across the street, over the curb into the wooded property opposite the house. CU. TREE The Ferrari's brief journey ends as it smacks a tree trunk. INT. GARAGE Ferris and Sloane exchange baffled looks. They look at Cameron. He's proud and bold. FERRIS What was that about? SLOANE This has to be a dream. FERRIS Cameron? One quick question. Why'd you do that? Cameron holds his proud posture for a beat. Then a look of bewilderment comes over his face. He shoots a look to Ferris. A puzzled look. FERRIS You trashed the car. Cameron looks across the street. SLOANE Why? CAMERON I took a stand. FERRIS No, Cameron. You wrecked a car. Cameron thinks for a moment. Then he regains his confidence. CAMERON It's okay. Ferris looks across the street at the car. FERRIS I have an idea. If you're interested. Cameron looks at him. He shakes his head. CAMERON I'm gonna handle it. FERRIS I think this could work. CAMERON No, thanks. I want to deal with it by myself. SLOANE What about your one word? CAMERON You already did it. If I need it again, I'll use it. He smiles. He raises am impish eyebrow. CAMERON It's cool. I'm loose. 188 INT. POLICE STATION. OFFICE 188 Joyce is talking with the juvenile officer. Outside the office, on the bench, we see Jeanie and the boy making out. JOYCE She's never been in trouble before. This is a shock to me. First, I don't know why she wasn't at school. Second, I don't know why she'd call you with this story about a rapist. OFFICER For whatever reasons she did it, I think she'd had a good scare. JOYCE I hope so. I appreciate your calling me. I can assure you that her father and I will have a long talk with her. The gathers her purse and jacket and stands. JOYCE Thank you. OFFICER Oh, by the way, I hope you son's feeling better. Joyce looks at the officer curiously. OFFICER Tell him, all the guys at the station here are pulling for him. 189 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 189 Jeanie quickly breaks the embrace with the boy as Joyce steps out of the juvenile officer's room. She's still a little bewildered that everybody knows Ferris was ill. Jeanie wipes her lips and sits up straight. The boy adjusts his pants to better hide his passion. JEANIE (to the boy) If you keep this to yourself, I think we can probably get it on pretty good. BOY For sure. Jeanie stands up. JEANIE Hi. JOYCE Don't "hi" me, young lady. Get your stuff. Jeanie reaches down for her purse. BOY What's your name? JEANIE Jean. What's yours? BOY Garth Volbeck. 190 EXT. SLOANE'S BACKYARD 190 Sloane and Ferris are standing at the back fence. SLOANE I had a great time today. FERRIS Yeah. It was pretty cool. SLOANE You think Cameron's gonna be alright? FERRIS Sure. He had to so it, I guess. His old man had it coming. He'll be okay. I'd be worried if he'd taken my idea. Sloane smiles knowingly. SLOANE You didn't have an idea, did you? FERRIS Not a glimmer. SLOANE You're so smart. FERRIS No. I'm just real loose. He kisses her. FERRIS I'll call you tonight. Sloane nods. Ferris jumps the fence and takes off across the backyards. Sloane watches him go. A huge smile spreads across her face. SLOANE I LOVE YOU! She backs away from the fence. MUSIC FADES UP. SLOANE He's gonna marry me. I know it. She turns and runs into the house. 191 EXT. BACKYARD 191 Ferris sprints across a backyard. He jumps a plaster elf. 192 EXT. ANOTHER BACKYARD 192 Ferris vaults a fence. He runs directly for a swimming pool. He's approaching it from the side. He leaps, hits the diving board, springs off, does a flip and lands on the grass on the other side of the pool. 193 CU. BEDSPREAD 193 Neatly bundles stacks of bills and rolled coins. A significant amount of cash. CU. SLOANE She's writing. CU. PIECE OF PAPER We see a portion of the typewritten letter as she signs it. "...in the amount of $1,765.33. It gives us great pleasure to assist you in performance of your worthy and much needed survives to those so desperately in need. Sincerely, Sloane Peterson Executive Director The Ferris Bueller Foundation" 194 EXT. FERRIS' STREET 194 He's running down the middle of the street. A car honks. Ferris moves to the side. The car pulls around him. INT. CAR. Tom's at the wheel. He glances in the mirror. He does a take. HIS POV. MIRROR We see Ferris cut across a front lawn and into a house. CU. TOM He realizes it couldn't be Ferris. 195 INT. HOUSE 195 Ferris runs through the kitchen, past a WOMAN, fixing dinner and out her backdoor. The Woman looks up curiously. 196 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 196 Tom pulls in the driveway. He parks and gets out. Joyce pulls in from the other direction. 197 EXT. HOUSE. BACK PORCH 197 Ferris tries the door. It's locked. He reaches down and lifts the doormat. CU. PORCH The outline of a key in the dirt under the mat. The key's gone. The toe of a chewed-up dress shoe steps INTO FRAME. An OMNIOUS CHORD IS STRUCK. CU. FERRIS He stares up in horror. HIS POV Rooney's looking down at him. He's holding the house key. EXT. PORCH Ferris stands up. He smiles. ROONEY Looking for this? FERRIS Yes. ROONEY I got you, Ferris. This time I finally got you. Ferris is caught. There's no way out. Rooney gloats severely. ROONEY How does another year of high school sit with you? Suddenly, the backdoor opens. Jeanie looks out. She feigns joy and relief. She rushes Ferris and hugs him. JEANIE Thank God, you're alright! We've been worried sick! CU. FERRIS A moment of curiosity. Then it dawns on him what's happening. He smiles. CU. ROONEY His eyes dart from Ferris to Jeanie to Ferris. His victory is evaporating. EXT. PORCH Jeanie breaks the embrace. JEANIE (to Rooney) Thank you for bringing him home, Mr. Rooney. (to Ferris) You better get up in bed tight now. Ferris limps into the house. JEANIE Can you imagine someone as sick as Ferris trying to walk home from the hospital? (shakes her head) Kids! CU. ROONEY He's dumbfounded. CU. JEANIE She raises her hands and strikes a karate pose. A huge smile passes over her face. CU. ROONEY A look of terror as he realizes that is was Jeanie who kicked him and that Jeanie knows it was he who she kicked. EXT. PORCH Jeanie steps into the house. 198 INT. HOUSE 198 The door closes on Rooney's defeated, lost, dejected, bewildered face. Not only has he lost Ferris again, he has Jeanie to deal with next year. 199 EXT. YARD. CU. DOG 199 The click of the door wakes him up. His head pops up off the grass. CU. ROONEY He senses new danger. We hear AN O.C. GROWL. Rooney squeezes his eyes shut. 200 INT. KITCHEN 200 Kimberly and Todd are sitting at the kitchen table watching TV and eating cereal. They look up at Ferris as he comes in from outside. TODD Ferris? Does my head look like it's getting bigger? Ferris leans against the counter as he tries to catch his breath. He looks at his little brother. FERRIS No, but Kimberly's is. He crosses to the refrigerator and opens it. Kimberly feels her head. KIMBERLY (to Todd) Is he serious? TODD I think so. KIMBERLY Oh, shit! Ferris takes out a bottle of orange juice out of the refrigerator and drinks straight from the bottle. Jeanie comes in. FERRIS Thanks, Jeanie. JEANIE No problem. FERRIS By the way, I borrowed some cash from you. I'll pay you back. JEANIE You don't have to. FERRIS I want to. JEANIE You don't have to. I've been ripping off your wallet for years. Ferris gives her a proud smile. 201 EXT. HOUSE 201 Joyce and Tom head up to the kitchen. 202 INT. KITCHEN 202 Ferris and Jeanie exit the kitchen as Joyce and Tom enter. JOYCE (to Todd and Kimberly) Hi, guys. KIMBERLY Is my head swelling up? 203 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 203 The foyer is jammed with floral arrangements, plants and gifts. Ferris and Jeanie step gingerly through the flowers and head upstairs. JEANIE I'm sorry I've been riding your buns for so long. FERRIS It's completely cool. JOYCE (OC) Ferris! Ferris continues up the stairs. He affects a sickly voice. FERRIS Upstairs, Mom! 204 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING 204 Ferris and Jeanie stop. JEANIE Do you know a guy named Garth Volbeck? FERRIS Vaguely. JEANIE Is he cool? FERRIS He's cool. But stay away from his brother. Ferris walks into the room, brushes the crumbs off his hands and peels off his shirt. He climbs into bed. No sooner are the covers over him than the bedroom door opens and Joyce and Tom walk in. They walk over to the bed. Joyce sits down. JOYCE Honey? CU. FERRIS The same deathly face he had in the morning. Tongue out, eyes bulging. TOM (OC) Ferris? How do you feel? He pulls in his tongue to speak. FERRIS (deathly gasp) 150% better, thank you. 205 INT. BEDROOM 205 Tom and Joyce hover over him with deep concern. FERRIS I'm much better, really. Please, don't make me stay home again. I want to go to school. I'm graduating in June and I... TOM Ferris. You're sick. There's no point pushing yourself and making it worse. FERRIS Maybe you're right, Dad. TOM I know I'm right. Joyce leans over and kisses him forehead. JOYCE How did you get so sweet? FERRIS Years of practice. Tom pats Ferris on the rump. He and Joyce exit. CU. FERRIS The hideous face. A beat and we HEAR THE BEDROOM DOOR CLOSE. Ferris looks at CAMERA. FERRIS (happy sigh) Yeah, life is a carousel. A great big crazy ball of pure living, breathing joy and delight. He rolls over on his back and puts his hands behind his head. FERRIS You gotta get one. He smiles. MUSIC UP BIG END TITLES THE END"FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" by John Hughes SHOOTING SCRIPT July 24, 1985 "FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" 1 BLACK SCREEN 1 MAIN TITLES IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND. A HOUSEHOLD IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS. KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS. FATHER'S VOICE (TOM) Where's my wallet?! SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD) YOU IDIOT!! TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY) MOM! TODD SHUT-UP! EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE) I NEED A TOWEL!! TOM JOYCE! KIMBERLY (whispers, sadistic) When you turn ten, your head's going to swell up real big like a watermelon and we're going to have to put you to sleep like they do with a dog. TODD MOM! TOM JOYCE!! JEANIE WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!! TOM Where's Mom? TODD Is my head going to swell up? TOM What?! JEANIE OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!! MOTHER (JOYCE) (screams) TOM! The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP. TODD What's that? KIMBERLY Wait! Hold still! TODD What?! KIMBERLY You heads starting to swell up!! Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the hallway. A door open. TOM (breathless) What's the matter? JOYCE (worried) It's Ferris! TOM What's wrong? JOYCE (snaps) What's wrong? For Christ's sake! Look at him! 2 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 2 An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA. His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side. 3 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 3 Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties. Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed for work. TOM Ferris? JOYCE He doesn't have a fever. But he says his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots. 4 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 4 His lifeless eyes blink. 5 INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS 5 Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead. TOM What's the matter, Ferris? JOYCE Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy. Tom takes one of Ferris' hands. TOM (discreetly) Should you call the doctor? JOYCE (whispers) He doesn't want me to. TOM Why don't you want Mom to call the doctor? Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can manage is a choked gasp. TOM What? Ferris tries again. FERRIS (raspy) Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up. He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down. FERRIS I have a test today. I have to take it. I want to get into a good college so I can have a fruitful life... JOYCE You're not going to school like this. (to Tom) Maybe I should call the office and tell them I won't be in. FERRIS I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God! He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes. His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill. JEAN Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem? JOYCE He doesn't feel well. JEAN Yeah, right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize the lawn. TOM That's enough, Jeanie. JEANIE You're not falling for this, are you? Tell me you're not falling for this. FERRIS Is that Jeanie? I can't see that far. Jeanie? JEANIE Pucker up and squat, Ferris. JOYCE (annoyed) Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school. JEANIE (angry, defeated) You're really letting him stay home? I can't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. It's so unfair. FERRIS Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie. Be thankful that you're fit and have your health. Cherish it. JEANIE (to herself) Oh, I wanna puke. She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister, KIMBERLY peek into the room. KIMBERLY Myocardial infarction? JOYCE Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right down. KIMBERLY Syphilitic meningitus? That would be a huge family embarrassment. TOM Get downstairs! KIMBERLY If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo. She turns sharply and exits. TODD (worried) Dad? Does my head look alright? JOYCE Get downstairs! Now! TODD Just answer me one question! Is it swelling up? Kim said it was going to get as big as... KIMBERLY (OC) A WATERMELON! TODD (yells out the room) Shut-up! JOYCE Get downstairs! NOW! Todd backs out of the room. FERRIS I'll be okay. I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll have an aspirin around noon. JOYCE (to Ferris) I'm showing houses to the family from California today but I'll be in the area. My office'll know where I am, if you need me. TOM I'll check it with you, too. FERRIS It's nice to know I have such loving, caring parents. You're both very special people. 6 CU. FERRIS 6 He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids. 7 INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE 7 She strokes Ferris' hair. JOYCE I hope you feel better, pumpkin. She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his shoulder. TOM Get some rest. 8 CU. FERRIS 8 Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents to the door. JOYCE (OC) We love you, sweetie. TOM (OC) Call if you need us. They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across his lips. FERRIS They bought it. The MTV theme music ROARS IN. 9 CU. TV SCREEN 9 The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing. 10 INT. BEDROOM 10 Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight. FERRIS Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. (looks out the window) What a beautiful day! He turns from the window. FERRIS Parents always fall for the clammy hands. It's physical evidence of illness. It's a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are generally pretty hip to the fever scams. And to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school. He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV broadcast. A NEW SONG begins. FERRIS Fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so if high school. Right? He equalizes the sound a little. FERRIS This is my ninth sick day with semester. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely must make this one count. He exits into the hallway. 11 INT. BATHROOM 11 Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with Jean's debris. He turns on the shower water. FERRIS I don't care if you're fifty five or seven, everybody needs a day off now and then. It's a beautiful day. How can I be expected to handle high school? He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops up. FERRIS I do actually have a test. That wasn't bullshit. He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the shower door we see Ferris' outline. FERRIS That I care about it was. 12 INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL. 12 Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up. It's moulded into a fin with shampoo. FERRIS It's on European socialism. I mean, really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a shit if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. He turns the shower head around and uses it like a microphone. FERRIS (sings) WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY, TWIST AND SHOUT... 13 INT. HALLWAY. LATER 13 Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different color. FERRIS Not that I condone fascism. Or and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. John Lennon said it on his first solo album. "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. Afterall, he was the Walrus. He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it. FERRIS I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people. He passes CAMERA and goes into his room. FERRIS (OC) I'm not very political? Let me put that into perspective... 14 INT. BEDROOM 14 Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed. FERRIS My uncle went to Canada to protest the war, right? On the Fourth of July he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my Dad he felt guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam. So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle Jeff? In wartime you want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. It took you twenty years to find out you don't believe in anything?" (snaps his fingers) Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks. (pause) Be careful when you deal with old hippies. They can be real touchy. He opens his door. 15 INT. CLOSET 15 The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts. FERRIS My mother was a hippie. But she lost it. She got old. If she listens to the White Album now? She doesn't hear music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is her favorite drug. It'll probably be mine, too. I hope not. He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and puts it on. He drops the towel. 16 INT. BEDROOM 16 He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the top of the dresser. He picks it up. FERRIS In eighth grade a friend of mine made a bong out of one of these. The smoke tasted like glue. He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he speaks. FERRIS His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I like him. I'm probably his only friend. I do what I can for him. I mean, if I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others, right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station. His father's dead and his sister's rumored to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit. She only puts out so people will hang out with her. It's sad but I don't hold it against her. Better to hold it against the guys who use her and don't care about her. (pause) My parents never allowed Garth over here. It was because of his family. Mainly his older brother. He's in jail. I could see them not wanting his brother here because he is a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here. I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of artificial fruit just so he could see what it was like to have his stomach pumped. But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights with the parents on that point. I always felt for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once and I was laying on the dark worrying that his brother was going to come in and hack me to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". ... Nothing was wrong. There was no specific thing he was crying about. In fact, he wasn't really even aware that he was crying. He just cried himself to sleep every night. It was a habit. The guy's so conditioned to grief that if he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How could you possibly dump on guy who has to deal with that kinda shit? My parents acknowledge the trudge of the situation and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel for him but still the guy's banned from our house. He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his speech as he disrobes. FERRIS Unfortunately, now my parents have a legit argument. Garth doesn't need his brother to give him a rep anymore. He's getting one on his own. He's lost. It's over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from school. Gone from life. His legacy is a gas station. 17 INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE 17 Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely different outfit. FERRIS One very serious danger is playing sick is that it's possible to believe your own act. 18 INT. KITCHEN 18 Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the refrigerator. FERRIS That and boredom. Alot of people ditch and feel great for about an hour. Then they realize there's nothing to do. TV and food. I myself have ditched and gotten so bored I did homework. Figure that shit out. He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice. FERRIS You have to plan things out before you take the day off. Otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy. He crosses to the pantry. FERRIS You blow your day and at about three o'clock, when everybody's out of school, you're going to wish you'd gone to school so you could be out having fun. He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos. FERRIS Avoid the misery. Plan your day. Do it right. 19 INT. FAMILY ROOM 19 Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair. FERRIS There's alot of pressure at work in my age group. And it's not always recognized. He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in his lap. FERRIS Some guy whose hair is falling out and his stomach's hanging over his belt and everything he eats makes him fart, he looks at someone like me and thinks, "This kid's young and strong and has a full, rich future ahead of him, what's he got to bitch about?" 20 CU. PHONE 20 He punches out a number. 21 INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 21 He remote controls the TV on. FERRIS That's just one reason why I need a day off every now and then. 22 EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE 22 A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER. 23 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 23 It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words. CAMERON Food...shelter...no...yes... The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker phone button. CAMERON (weak) Hello? FERRIS' VOICE Cameron! What's happening? CAMERON Very little. FERRIS' VOICE How do you feel? CAMERON Shredded. FERRIS' VOICE Is your mother in the room? Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth. CAMERON She's not home. Where are you? FERRIS' VOICE Home. 24 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 24 Ferris is sprawled out in the chair. FERRIS I'm taking the day off. Get dressed and come over. CAMERON'S VOICE I can't. I'm sick. FERRIS It's all in your head. Come on over. 25 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 25 Cameron's insistant. CAMERON I feel like complete shit, Ferris. I can't go anywhere. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come on over and pick me up. Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone. CAMERON I'm dying. The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button. FERRIS' VOICE You're not dying. You just can't think of anything good to do. 26 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM 26 Ferris hangs up. FERRIS If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has alot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. I've come close myself. But I like him. He's a little easier to take when you know why he's like he is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon by French but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. (after-thought) And Cameron would worry that he'd owe taxes on it. 27 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 27 We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A shoe's POV. TEACHER'S VOICE Albers? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Anderson. GIRL'S VOICE Here. CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine loafers... TEACHER'S VOICE Anheiser? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Busch? GIRL'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that it's empty. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? GIRL'S VOICE He's sick. (pause) My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. TEACHER'S VOICE (weary) Thank you, Simone. GIRL'S VOICE (cheery) No problem whatsoever. TEACHER'S VOICE Drucker? BOY'S VOICE What? WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD. 28 CU. TV 28 THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase at the end. INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve. CU. TV Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve. He gives it a twist. CU. FERRIS He throws himself back against the chair. CU. TV The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws Humongous back in his seat. CU. FERRIS He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high speed ride. CU. TV The was wagon hurtles down the road. CU. FERRIS He rears back in horror. CU. TV The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the tanker truck. CU. FERRIS Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision. CU. TV IMPACT! MOZART COMES UP. 29 CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH 29 Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch. Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen. Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is sitting on her bed going through a purse. FERRIS This is really degrading. He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill. FERRIS Financing my activities this way. Very damaging to the self-image. But, hey, I'm broke. In times of crisis one must to what one must to. I'll pay it back. With interest. He comes up with a five. FERRIS Regardless of how much shit sisters make you eat, how often they rat on you, how gross they act or how wicked and insensitive they can be, you should not alientate them. Because most likely they have cash and it's usually very easy to get your hands on. He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY" COMES UP. 30 INT. LIVING ROOM 30 The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions. CU. SOFA Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice. 31 INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM 31 Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another crumpled bill surfaces. 32 CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP 32 A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops them up. 33 CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET 33 An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing. 34 CU. KITCHEN DRAWER 34 Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a dollar bill. 35 CU. COIN COLLECTION 35 The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the quarters are being popped out of their slots. 36 CU. VACCUUM CLEANER 36 The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth. 37 CU. SNOOPY BANK 37 It's being shaken furiously. 38 CU. BIRTHDAY CARD 38 It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp, new five. 39 INT. HALL CLOSET 39 The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door. 40 CU. FLOOR AND BED 40 Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed. 41 CU. BANK 41 It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally, a five dollar bill. 42 INT. KITCHEN 42 Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table. 43 CU. TABLE LEG 43 Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used to balance the table. 44 INT. KITCHEN 44 Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter. 45 CU. FERRIS' BED 45 A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The SONG ENDS. 46 EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING 46 A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town. 47 INT. OFFICE 47 Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN. They're also real estate agents. JOYCE No one's going to consider a house with a black living room. Not even those jerks from Vermont. Let's be realistic. AGENT 1 Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against putting any money into the house. Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call. JOYCE Joyce Bueller. Her eyes open wide with alarm. JOYCE Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to call. 48 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL 48 A modern, suburban high school. MAN'S VOICE Are you aware that your son is not in school today? 49 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 49 It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students. JOYCE'S VOICE Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I had a meeting first thing this morning. I should have called. It completely slipped my mind. 50 INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 50 A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside the office. DEAN'S VOICE Are you also aware that Ferris does not have what we consider an exemplary attendance record? 51 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN 51 It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAD OF STUDENTS. The dean's feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced dress shoes. JOYCE'S VOICE I don't understand. DEAN'S VOICE I just had his file up. INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point of arrogance. ROONEY I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller. Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from the desk and turns in his swivel chair. ROONEY If Ferris thinks he coast this last month and still graduate, he's sorely mistaken. JOYCE'S VOICE This is all news to me. CU. COMPUTER MONITOR The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records. ROONEY'S VOICE So far this semester alone, he's been absent nine times. Including today. JOYCE'S VOICE Nine times? Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a number 2. INT. OFFICE Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen. ROONEY I have it right here in front of me. He's missed... He looks closer at the screen. 52 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 52 Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up on the screen. FERRIS I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign? 53 INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE 53 She's still on the phone with Rooney. JOYCE I can give you every assurance that Ferris is home and that he is, in fact, very ill. I debated whether or not I should even leave him. I can appreciate that at this time of year children are prone to taking the day off, but in Ferris' case, he's truly a very sick boy. 54 INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM 54 MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR. CU. SPEAKER The grille cloth is throbbing. CU. LED METERS The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone. CU. TV MONITOR We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck. He's playing. CU. VIDEO CAMERA A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape. 55 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 55 He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He sighs deeply and fall back on the bed. 56 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 56 Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A GIRLFRIEND comes up to her. GIRL I'm really sorry about your brother. JEANIE What're you sorry for? I have to live with the trouser snake. GIRL No, I mean I heard he's really sick. JEANIE Who said he's sick. GIRL A whole bunch of people. They said he's like on the verge of death. Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl. GIRL This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's really sweet isn't he? She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment. She kicks her locker shut. 57 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 57 He's in bed on the phone. FERRIS A sample of my blood was sent to Atlanta to the Center for Disease Control. I don't know, man, I'm bricking heavily. (point to the phone) Freshman. (to the phone) Did you see Alien? When the guy had the creature in his stomach? It feels like that. 58 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 58 A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news. BOY Goddamn! Are you kidding? SECOND BOY What? BOY Did you see Alien? SECOND BOY No. BOY You never rented the video cassette? Second boy shakes his head, no. BOY Oh. He's really wasted. THIRD BOY (to the Second Boy) Who's he talking to? SECOND BOY Ferris Bueller. You know him? THIRD BOY (excited) Yeah. He's getting me out of summer school. BOY Anyway, I appreciate you letting us know how you're doing. We gotta split. (pause) Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on. SECOND BOY (to Third Boy) Shit. I hope he doesn't die. I can't handle summer school. The boy snatches a passing GIRL. BOY Did you see Alien? GIRL Yeah, why? He hands her the phone. GIRL Hello? (pause) Who? (pause) Hi, Ferris. How's your bod? (jaw drops) Oh, my God! You're dying? Is it serious? (pause) Shiit! Are you upset? 59 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 59 Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder. ROONEY I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him! SECRETARY With your bad knee, you better not throw anybody, Ed. Rooney stares at her for a long beat. ROONEY What's so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is that he gives the good kids bad ideas. The last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. SECRETARY He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, they all adore him. ROONEY That's exactly why I have to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere. SECRETARY (impressed) Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just now. Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile. ROONEY Really? He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint. 60 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 60 It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives past the house. 61 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 61 He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude. FERRIS Cameron, if you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. I'm serious, man. This is bullshit, making me wait around the house for you. 62 INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM 62 Cameron's back in bed. CAMERON I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't you leave me alone? FERRIS' VOICE You're not up for some good times? It's a beautiful day. It's almost summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be surfing. 63 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 63 He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness. FERRIS You want to stay home and try to have the shits? Try to barf? Try to feel worse? CAMERON'S VOICE I don't have to try. FERRIS Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol and get dressed. You're boring me with this stuff. The other phone line rings. FERRIS Squeeze you buns for a second. I got another call. He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath. FERRIS H--hell-o? 64 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN 64 A LaSalle Street office tower. TOM'S VOICE Ferris? 65 INT. TOM'S OFFICE 65 He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman Miller desk and chair. TOM You sound miserable. FERRIS' VOICE Really? Darn! I thought I was improving. TOM Were you sleeping? FERRIS' VOICE I was trying to do some homework. 66 CU. COMPUTER MONITOR 66 A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making. FERRIS (OC) I'm so worried about falling behind. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke. FERRIS Dad? Can you hold on a second? TOM'S VOICE Sure, pal. Are you alright? FERRIS Just a little phlegm on the phone. Hold on. He puts his father on hold. FERRIS Cameron? It's my Dad. CAMERON'S VOICE Oh, that's just great. Are you busted? FERRIS It's completely cool. He's just checking up on me. Now, listen to me. I'm working on getting some heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you can do is hurry up and get over here. Bye. He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to his sick voice. FERRIS Sorry, Dad. The moment before you called, I had a chest spasm and I blew lung fluid all over the place. It was making me ill looking at it. But gee, it's sure great of you to call. I'm sure there're alot of fathers who wouldn't take time out from their busy schedules to call a dumb, sick teenager. TOM'S VOICE Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do? Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The screen dumps the drawing. FERRIS Give yourself some credit, Dad. It was a mammoth gesture. It's like those savings bonds you used to give me every Christmas. (looks at CAMERA and smiles) It was that kind of concern. CU. COMPUTER SCREEN A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA". INT. FERRIS' ROOM He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the desk. He lights a cigarette. FERRIS You had to work hard for the money to buy those things, right? TOM'S VOICE Not any harder than anybody else. Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them. 67 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN 67 Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard. Pedestrians stop to look. 68 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 68 He blows a smoke ring. FERRIS You work so hard I'll bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right? Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father. TOM'S VOICE Wrong. He nods. FERRIS Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're just trying to cheer me up. TOM'S VOICE Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox in my closet. Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what he wants. FERRIS (to CAMERA, normal voice) Was that a class move or what? The guy gave it up faster than a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my kids don't pull this shit on me. (thinks) Of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and I'd have to support them until I die. I take it back. (to the phone, sick voice) Dad? All this talking has made me kind of light-headed. I think I better lie down. TOM'S VOICE Okay, pal. You take care. I'll call you after lunch. FERRIS You don't have to, Dad. TOM'S VOICE I want to. Bye now. He hangs up. Ferris sighs. FERRIS You win some, you lose some. He turns his desk chair around and gets up. FERRIS I'm so disappointed in Cameron. Twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out. 69 INT. CAR. CAMERON 69 He's sitting behind the wheel of his car. CAMERON We're gonna get caught. No doubt about it. He cuts the engine. CAMERON I'm not doing it. He sits for half a beat. CAMERON He'll keep calling until I come over. He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat. CAMERON Actually, what'll happen is I'll get caught. Ferris'll escape. Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC. 70 CU. DRESSER DRAWER 70 Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for the pictorials as he speaks. FERRIS Cameron'll go on like that for a good thirty minutes. The guy is a shellfish when it comes to making a decision. The reason he doesn't fell good is, he worries about everything. He's the only guy I know who's deeply concerned that when he grows up there'll be a critical shortage of strategic metals. He exits the room. 71 INT. HALLWAY 71 Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway. FERRIS Cameron's also the only guy I know who knows what strategic metals are. (waves the magazine) Pardon moi. He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM DOWN. FERRIS (sings) MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED... 72 INT. CLASSROOM. LATER 72 A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture. TEACHER Roosevelt's health had seriously deteriorated by the time he met with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta. (sneezes) Pardon me. The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear. SLOANE She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously. INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks at the kids. NURSE Sloane Peterson? SLOANE Sits up in her seat. NURSE She's a picture of compassion and understanding. NURSE May I see you outside for a moment? There's been an emergency. SLOANE A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she looks to the GIRL next to her. SLOANE (whispers) Dead grandmother. 73 INT. HALLWAY 73 The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand. NURSE (nods solemnly) Dead grandmother. 74 CU. ROONEY 74 He has a suspicious look on his face. ROONEY Dead grandmother? INT. DEAN'S OFFICE Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from him. SECRETARY That's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane. ROONEY Who's this girl's going with? SECRETARY It's so hard to tell. I see her alot with Ferris Bueller. Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed. ROONEY Could you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number? As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone rings. She stops and answers the desk phone. SECRETARY Edward Rooney's office. (pause) Yes. Can you hold? Thank you. She puts the call on hold. SECRETARY It's Mr. Peterson. Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for the phone. SECRETARY Do you still want his number? Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and backs out. He punches the phone button. ROONEY Ed Rooney. MAN'S VOICE Ed? This is George Peterson. ROONEY How are you today, sir? MAN'S VOICE We've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr. Peterson. ROONEY I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to release Sloane. You produce a corpse and I'll release Sloane. I want to see this dead grandmother firsthand. The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney in horror. He covers the phone. ROONEY (whispers) It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let his walk right into it! (to phone) That's right. Cart the stiff in and I'll turn over your daughter. It's school policy. Was this your mother? Rooney's other line rings. 75 INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE 75 She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other line. SECRETARY Ed Rooney's office. Her jaw drops. SECRETARY Hold, please. She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into Rooney's office. 76 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 76 Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line. ROONEY I'll tell you want, you don't like my policies, you can just come on down and smooch by big old ugly ass. You hear me? The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously. Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her foot. Rooney covers the phone. ROONEY What!? SECRETARY Ferris Bueller's on line two. CU. ROONEY'S FOOT It freezes in mid-tap. CU. ROONEY'S HAND The pencils falls from his fingers. CU. ROONEY'S FACE A mask of horror. He glances at the phone. CU. PHONE The second line light is flashing. CU. ROONEY He blinks, cocks his head, twitches. 77 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 77 He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he used on his father. FERRIS Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb you at work but I was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I may need. 78 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 78 He's staring blankly ahead. FERRIS' VOICE Thank you, sir. He nods. CU. PHONE Rooney's finger gingerly presses the button on the waiting call. CU. ROONEY He winces as he returns to the first call. 79 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. KITCHEN 79 Cameron's on the phone in the kitchen. He's doing a deep, phoney "father" voice. CAMERON You oughta be sorry for Christ's sake! A family member dies and you insult me. What's the matter with you, anyway? 80 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 80 He apologies profusely to Cameron. He's perspiring, trembling. ROONEY I don't know. I thought you were someone else. You have to know, sir, that I would never deliberately insult you. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am. CAMERON'S VOICE Pardon my French but you're an asshole! Rooney nods enthusiastically. ROONEY Absolutely! I most certainly am. 81 INT. KITCHEN 81 Cameron lays into Rooney. CAMERON This isn't over yet, buster. You just make sure my daughter's out in front of the school in ten minutes. Do you read me? ROONEY'S VOICE Load and clear, Mr. Peterson. CAMERON Call me sir, goddamn it! ROONEY'S VOICE Sir. CAMERON That's better. Ferris strolls into the kitchen to catch the last of the conversation. Cameron covers the phone. CAMERON (to Ferris) I'm scared shitless, Ferris! What is Rooney guesses my voice! FERRIS Impossible. You're doing great. Cameron sighs and goes back to the phone. CAMERON (clears his throat) I don't have all day to bark at you so I'll make this short and sweet. Ferris gives Cameron an enthusiastic thumbs up. FERRIS (mouths) Great! Cameron smiles proudly. CAMERON I want my daughter out in front of the school in ten minutes. By herself. I don's want anyone around... Ferris smacks Cameron. He's said the wrong thing. He covers the phone. CAMERON What'd I do? FERRIS Out in front my herself? It's too suspicious! He'll think something's up, moron. Cover it. Cameron panics. He holds the phone out to Ferris. CAMERON You do it! Ferris waves his arms angrily. FERRIS Talk! Cameron takes a deep breath. He clears his throat and puts on his father's voice. CAMERON I changed my mind, fella. You be out in front with her! I wanna have a few words with you! Ferris slaps Cameron. The phone flies out of his hand. 82 CU. ROONEY 82 He winces as the phone hits the floor with a loud CLONK! We HEAR THE BOYS SCRAMBLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE, THEN CAMERON CLEARING HIS THROAT. CAMERON'S VOICE On second thought, I don't have time to talk to you. We'll get together soon and have lunch. We HEAR A SLAP AND THE CALL DISCONNECTS. 83 INT. FERRIS' KITCHEN 83 Cameron's rubbing the side of his head. CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me? FERRIS Where's your brain? CAMERON I asked you first. FERRIS How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney's going to be there with her?! CAMERON I said for her to be there alone and you freaked! FERRIS My, God, you're so stupid! (aside) I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped you. CAMERON You hit me. Look, don't ask me to participate in your crap if you don't like the way I do it! Ferris is incredulous at Cameron's stupidity. Cameron's anger is intensified by his embarrassment. CAMERON I was home, sick. You get me out of bed, being me over here, make me jeopardize my future, make me do a phoney phone call on a dean of students, a man who could squeeze my nuts into oblivion and then you deliberately hurt my feelings. FERRIS I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings. CAMERON Oh, really? FERRIS Yeah, really. Cameron glares at Ferris. CAMERON Hey, Ferris? Have a nice life. He turns and heads out of the room. Ferris sighs. FERRIS Cameron? CAMERON Stick it up your ass, Ferris. FERRIS Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jam you. It was uncalled for. Cameron stops. CAMERON You're serious? He turns around. FERRIS Dead serious. Cameron smiles. He appreciates Ferris apology. CAMERON Thanks. FERRIS You did screw up through, right? Not that is was necessarily all you fault. Right? CAMERON (suspiciously) Why? FERRIS To fix this situation, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor. Cameron's jaw drops. 84 INT. GARAGE 84 The door opens slowly, dramatically as we hear a heraldic fanfare. Light streams in to reveal Cameron and Ferris looking at the car. Ferris is smiling with excitement and awe. Cameron is frowning with trepidation and fear. CU. FERRARI STALLION The prancing black stallion. We move up from the stallion to the erotic red hood of a 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. CAMERON AND FERRIS Cameron's face is ashen. The end of the world is at hand. Ferris is in heaven. CAMERON (grim monotone) 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. Less than a hundred were made. It has a market value of $265,000. My father spent three years restoring it. It is joy, it is his love, it is his passion. FERRIS It is his fault he didn't lock the garage. CAMERON Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself. We can't take is out. FERRIS A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile. CAMERON He never drives it, Ferris. He just rubs it with a diaper. FERRIS We can't pick up Sloane in your car, Cameron. Rooney'd never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit. CAMERON It's not a piece of shit. FERRIS It's a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours. Look, I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do. CAMERON He knows the mileage, Ferris. He has it tatooed on his wrist. FERRIS He doesn't trust you? CAMERON No. FERRIS Alright, look, this is real simple. He puts his arm around Cameron. FERRIS Whatever miles we put on it, we'll take off. CAMERON (suspicious) How? FERRIS (big, proud smile) We'll drive home backwards. Cameron shakes his head, no. CAMERON Forget it. I'm putting my foot down, Ferris. You'll have to think of something else... CU. FERRARI GRILLE Cameron's protests are drowned out by the distinctive roar of the twelve cylinders. CAMERON'S VOICE ...You're not talking me into this one. I have to live with the man. I'm sorry but... The roar of the engine is overtaken by the sound of a crowded school hallway. 85 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 85 She comes out of a classroom. She stops as Sloane and Rooney walk past. Sloane has her coat on and she's carrying her books. Jeanie watches her suspiciously. 86 EXT. SCHOOL 86 The Ferrari is parked out in front. The top is down. 87 INT. FERRARI 87 Ferris is driving. He's wearing a man's hat and sunglasses. Cameron's in the back. CAMERON Are you crazy?! Put the top back up! FERRIS This is perfect top-down weather. CAMERON What about Rooney? FERRIS Cameron, the more obvious we are, the less likely we are to get caught. CAMERON That makes no sense whatsoever. FERRIS The adult mind is a suspicious machine. (look around at Cameron) Stay down, man. Cameron squeezes himself lower. CAMERON Howcome it's my Dad's car and I'm taking all the risk and I have to ride back here? FERRIS I don't have an explanation. 88 EXT. SCHOOL 88 Rooney and Sloane come out the door. ROONEY Once again let me say how deeply saddened I am by your loss. SLOANE Huh? ROONEY Were you close to your grandmother? SLOANE Oh. Um. Yeah. Very. She was a terrific lady. Very hip. Very old. Yeah. DEEP VOICE Oh, Sloane! Dear! Sloane looks across at the Ferrari. Rooney looks. THEIR POV Ferris is looking out across the roof of the Ferrari. He's careful to keep his nose and mouth below the roofline. FERRIS Hurry along now! EXT. SCHOOL Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty farewell. SLOANE I guess that's my Dad. Thanks. See ya. She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does compute for him. 89 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 89 She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away. 90 EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY 90 He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him. 91 INT. FERRARI 91 Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console and gives Ferris a kiss. SLOANE This is so great! I can't believe it! Right in front of Rooney! She laughs and turns to Cameron. SLOANE Hi, Cameron. You comfortable? CAMERON Hi. No. SLOANE What a fabulous car! CAMERON Enjoy it quick. It' s going home. FERRIS It was risky, it was bold but it was totally necessary. SLOANE What're we gonna do? FERRIS The question isn't "what are we gonna do", the question is "what aren't we going to do." CAMERON Don't tell me we're not going to take the car home. Please. FERRIS (to CAMERA) If you had access to a car like this would you take it back right away? Would you give up feeling like a ton just to ease your best friend's tension? He smiles. FERRIS Either would I. 92 EXT. STREET. FERRARI 92 It accelerates away like a shot. 93 EXT. SUBURBAN BANK 93 A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53. The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot. 94 INT. BANK. DOORS 94 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom. Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an open teller window. INT. BANK. TELLER A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees Ferris. TELLER Ferris Bueller? FERRIS He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches. FERRIS Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you? TELLER She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the hair and smiles at it's reappearance. TELLER I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so I'm a little pooped but other than that, I'm as chipper as can be. (something occurs to her) Say, should you be in school? FERRIS He lays his savings bonds on the counter. FERRIS Me? (polite laugh) I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling. In fact. I'm married. This is my wife...Madonna. Sloane suppresses a laugh. FERRIS (to Cameron) And this is my brother-in-law, ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling. Cameron isn't amused. TELLER (to Cameron) Is Top a Slavic name? CAMERON Yeah. FERRIS I'd like to cash these in, please. We're having a baby and we need the cash for a crib, clothes, diapers, food pellets, leash, water dish... INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line drive. TELLER A baby! (to Sloane) You must be so excited. Cameron groans and turns away from the sham. SLOANE I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially looking forward to wearing those jeans with the stretch panel in front. Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds. TELLER Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? SLOANE Actually, we're hoping for a car. CU. CAMERON He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again. HIS POV Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored, sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers. CU. CAMERON It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder. CAMERON Shit... INT. BANK. JOYCE Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm. INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds. TELLER These bonds aren't mature. If you hold onto them another two years you'll get an additional four dollars... FERRIS I'm aware of that. TELLER You're throwing away four dollars. FERRIS No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the government. They need it. Do you know what an aircraft carrier's going for these days? INT. BANK. JOYCE She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out. INT. BANK. DOOR Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce. JOYCE Mrs. Froeling, how are you? MRS. FROELING I passed a kidney stone Tuesday. (shifts gears, to Joyce) Say, you must be very proud. Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about. MRS. FROELING (whispers) I met Madonna. She pats Joyce on the arm. MRS. FROELING She told me everything. Keep me posted, I'll want to send a gift. She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are completely baffled. 95 EXT. BANK 95 Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking lot. JOYCE My son's home sick today. If you wouldn't mind, on our way back to the office, I'd like to just run in and check up on him. We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car. MOTHER Of course. They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look on proudly. 96 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 96 His secretary is dialing a number for him. SECRETARY This is the Peterson's home. She hands the phone to Rooney. SECRETARY Watch your mouth this time. Rooney glares at her. ROONEY Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's no doubt in my mind. That's what I was saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped. He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing now. See? The secretary nods. SECRETARY And her grandmother, too. 97 CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE 97 It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an awful lot like Sloane. SLOANE We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a death in the family. If you need to reach us we'll be at the following number... 98 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 98 Rooney quickly takes down a number. 99 EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE 99 His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice. CAMERON'S VOICE You have reached the Coughlin Bros. Mortuary. We are unable to come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number... 100 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 100 Rooney hangs up the phone. ROONEY Something's going on, goddamn it. The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk. She's not listening to him. SECRETARY There's a railroad strike. ROONEY And I'm going to stop it! SECRETARY My brother-in-law'll appreciate it. Rooney looks at her, puzzled. ROONEY What? SECRETARY My brother-in-law rides the train to work. Rooney stares at her like she's crazy. ROONEY Who gives a good goddamn? 101 EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY 101 The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil Building. 102 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 102 Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with a Coke can. KID Yo. We're collecting money to buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney. Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions her brother's scan has reached. KID They run about fifty g's so it you could help out... JEANIE Go piss up a flagpole! KID Huh? She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall. The kid yells after her. KID Hey, babe! Some day you might need a favor from Ferris Bueller! Then where'll you be?! He reaches for the can. KID Heartless wench... 103 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE 103 The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage. EXT. GARAGE Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits. CAMERON We can't leave the car here! FERRIS Why not? CAMERON Because we can't! I want it back home where it belongs! SLOANE What could happen to it? CAMERON It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched, you name it. FERRIS I'll give the guy a five to watch it. CAMERON What guy? CU. PARKING ATTENDANT He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee. EXT. PARKING LOT The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a give. FERRIS You speak English? ATTENDANT Since I was three. FERRIS Great. I want to you take extra special care of this vehicle, okay? He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles. ATTENDANT Like it's a beautiful woman. FERRIS I appreciate it. The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine. FERRIS See what a finski can do to a person's attitude? He's going to treat it like a beautiful woman. CAMERON Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick and piss on the hood. SLOANE Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to be so graphic? She heads down the street. SLOANE This is so right! Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side. He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads. He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris and Cameron. 104 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 104 Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up the house. 105 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 105 It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet door to the door to the room itself. INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we hear a door open and close. 106 INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY 106 Joyce quietly walks up the stairs. 107 INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY 107 Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING. CU. DOORKNOB Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a crack. HER POV The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves. CU. JOYCE She smiles and closes the door. 108 INT. ROOM. CLOSET 108 The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's original position. CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring. The snoring it simulated. 109 INT. HALLWAY 109 Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with relief and affection. 110 EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER 110 HELICOPTER SHOT moves in on the world's tallest building. As it passes we see three figures pressed against the windows. FERRIS (VO) This is the world's tallest building. From our vantage point here on the 103 floor, we are provided with a view of four states. CAMERON (VO) Do you think the car's alright? FERRIS (VO) Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and my personal favorite, Indiana. 111 INT. SEARS TOWER OBSERVATION DECK 111 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are standing against the window. CAMERON I don't feel good, Ferris. Are we gonna stay long? FERRIS Take a step back... Ferris steps back. Sloane and Cameron follow suit. FERRIS Now, lean against the glass. Like this... He leans forward, putting all his weight on his forehead. FERRIS And look down. Sloane leans forward. Cameron follows, reluctantly. SLOANE Oh, shit! HER POV The street far, far below. A dizzying view. INT. OBSERVATION DECK The three are leaning against the glass. SLOANE What if the glass gives? FERRIS Death. SLOANE Cool. CU. CAMERON He's looking down. CAMERON I think I see my Dad. 112 EXT. STREET LEVEL 112 A middle-aged man, Cameron's father, HORACE FRYE, is standing on the street corner. He's lean, clean, tough and humorless. He's wearing a puzzled look on his face. CAMERON'S FATHER I think I see my car. HIS POV The Ferrari screams down the avenue and disappears down the underground ramp. 113 INT. SEARS TOWER LOBBY 113 Ferris and Sloane bound down the escalator. Cameron follows glumly. They dance past the giant Calder mobile. They're singing. FERRIS AND SLOANE I BEEN ALL 'ROUND THIS GREAT BIG WORLD AND I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF GIRLS YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET BACK IN THE STATES BACK TO THE CUTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA 114 EXT. STREET 114 Ferris and Sloane burst out the doors garnering the annoyed stares of the business people busily going in and out of the building. Cameron politely waits his turn to exit. Ferris and Sloane head down the street. Cameron follows. FERRIS AND SLOANE I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS! 115 EXT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE 115 Giant old monolith. 116 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING ROOM 116 Traders are frantically buying and selling commodities. 117 INT. GALLERY 117 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the gallery watching the proceedings. SLOANE Do you love me? FERRIS Do you love me? SLOANE I asked you first. FERRIS Yes. You? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I trash a day of education to be with you if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I risk damaging a deep and wonderfully enriching relationship with my parents if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I have introduced you as my wife if I didn't love you? SLOANE Wait a minute. That was a lie. FERRIS True. Ferris puts his arm around Sloane. FERRIS Would you want to get married? I mean if I wasn't an asshole. SLOANE Sure. FERRIS (serious) Today? Sloane stares at him. Is he serious. FERRIS I'm game. SLOANE No way! FERRIS I'll do it, if you will. Cameron suddenly adds his two cents. CAMERON You need a blood test. Ferris looks around at him. FERRIS Huh? CAMERON If your blood's not compatible, you could produce a pinhead. The state requires a blood test. FERRIS So? CAMERON So, you can't get married today. FERRIS Tomorrow? CAMERON If you get a blood test today. SLOANE I'm not getting married. CAMERON I'm with you, babe. FERRIS Why not? SLOANE What do you mean, why not? Think about it. FERRIS Besides being too young and your father hating my guts and not having any place to live and feeling awkward about being the only cheer- leader with a husband, give me a good reason why not. CAMERON I'll give you two. My mother and father. Ferris and Sloane look at him curiously. CAMERON They're married and they hate each other. (to Ferris) You've seen them. Am I right? FERRIS You're father's a toad and your Mom's always wired out, but so what? They're old. That's natural. CAMERON It makes me puke. Seeing people treat each other like that. It's like the car. He loves the car. He hates his wife. SLOANE My parents are divorced. So what? It's not like it doesn't happen ten thousand times a day. CAMERON Just because it happens doesn't make it right. Are you comfortable with it? SLOANE No. It's not something I can get comfortable with. I've tried. Are yours divorced? CAMERON They may as well be. SLOANE Do you think they're staying together because of you? Cameron hasn't seen it that way. He shrugs. SLOANE Do they like you? It hasn't occured to Cameron that his parents might not like him. That parental love might not be a given. CAMERON Yeah. Sure. SLOANE Consider this...my father canned me and my brother and my Mom for a twenty five year old dipso with fake tits. He dropped us like a rock. Everything was cool at our house. I thought so. We all thought so. Then BLAM! It's over. FERRIS (to CAMERA) This is all news to me. She keeps a pretty good secret. SLOANE (to Cameron) It was pure selfishness. When I have a kid, I don't care how much I want something, if it's gonna screw-up the kid, forget it. FERRIS (to CAMERA) She's not lying. CAMERON You could change. SLOANE Yeah. But I'm gonna try not to. I'm gonna think about it. I'm gonna try to prevent it. FERRIS This is optomism. It's a common trait with my age group. Adults think it's cute, it's like a charming quick that infests youth. But it's a cool thing and I think, deep down, crusty old shits wish they had some. They wish they had her, too. (points to Sloane) Sorry. She's taken. CAMERON I'd rather not have my family break apart, thank you. SLOANE Well, you know what? It ain't up to you. It's out of your hands. CAMERON So, I in other words, I should just sit back and watch it crumble? SLOANE You're merely an inhabitant in their universe. FERRIS Frightening choice of words. SLOANE They call the shots. When you split from them, you call the shots. CAMERON So, you're saying I should run away? FERRIS No. She's saying it's time for lunch. SLOANE What? FERRIS Let's go feed Cameron. They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his voice. FERRIS BUY! And he exits. Cool and casual. 118 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING FLOOR 118 It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout. We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER. ANNOUNCER Commodity prices rose sharply today in unusually heavy trading... 119 EXT. RESTAURANT 119 A French restaurant on the Gold Coast. It's noon. 120 INT. RESTAURANT 120 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant. Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book. HIS POV His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd returns. MAITRE'D (to Ferris) May I help you? FERRIS Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of three for 12:00. The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously. FERRIS Is there a problem? MAITRE'D You're Abe Frohman? FERRIS I'm Abe Frohman. MAITRE'D (chuckles) I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right now. If you have trouble finding the door... Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her. FERRIS Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am? MAITRE'D Shall I call the police? CAMERON Let's go...Abe. FERRIS I'm not going anywhere. (to the Maitre'd) Call the police. Go ahead. Better yet... (grabs the phone) ...I'll call myself. Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles smuggly. CU. PHONE Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's second line lights up and the phone rings. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the call. Ferris waves him off angrily. FERRIS You touch me and I yell "rat!" There's another phone around here. Find it. The maitre'd backs off. CAMERON Ferris, let's split, please? SLOANE Cameron's right. We're gonna get busted. FERRIS Not a chance in the world. He hands the phone to Sloane. FERRIS Ask for Abe Frohman. INT. RESTAURANT. LATER Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The maitre'd is hovering over Ferris. MAITRE'D I appreciate your understanding. FERRIS Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave us to our repast and all will be forgotten. MAITRE'D Enjoy your luncheon. FERRIS Thank you. The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed. Cameron is flushed with nerves. FERRIS Darling, you were wonderful. SLOANE Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher. FERRIS Cameron, dear friend? Cameron looks to Ferris. FERRIS And you thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you. Ferris disappears behind his menu. 121 EXT. SCHOOL 121 We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE. JEANIE (VO) Ferris Bueller's days are numbered. 122 INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM 122 Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's talking to a FRIEND. JEANIE (mean, vicious) I'm gonna bust his buns. FRIEND Why? What's the point? JEANIE Why? Because I'm sick of the little dope. He manipulates my parents, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he never gets nailed. (wicked pause) Well, babe, today I'm the hammer. She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The straps rip off in her hand. FRIEND I think he's cute. JEANIE Sweetie, it's an established fact that you have no taste. Ferris is not cute. He's not charming. He's not nice. He's not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant mule and the sooner everybody in this school comes to that realization the better off we'll all be. She displays the velcro straps to her friend. JEANIE See? My brother strokes you, you sympathize with him, I get pissed off and this is what happens! Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor. JEANIE Let me tell you something. I study hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm considerate, I'm friendly and fair to all kinds of people. Except morons. I try to be everything a good, decent person should be and you know what? FRIEND Everybody thinks you're an asshole. Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue. JEANIE Excuse me? FRIEND I don't think you're an asshole. JEANIE Who does? Her friend smiles sheepishly. JEANIE Rachel? Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but verbally confirm. JEANIE Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else? FRIEND I don't know. Just forget it. JEANIE Forget that everybody thinks I'm an asshole? Would you like everybody to think you're an asshole? FRIEND Not everybody thinks you're an asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you. JEANIE Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat fifty year old clod with B.O. likes me. Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief. JEANIE Would everybody be happier if maybe I were to die in a flaming car accident or something? FRIEND Maybe if you didn't cat like and asshole... JEANIE Am I acting like an asshole? FRIEND I didn't mean it that way. JEANIE I this a conspiracy to shit all over me or something? Is my brother behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll sock your tits. FRIEND You really do have a problem, Jeanie. JEANIE Me? I have a problem? FRIEND Somebody who threatens to sock people's tits has a problem. JEANIE Alright. How about if I sock your face? Jeanie's friend gets up. FRIEND Take a walk, Jeanie. Her friend exits. JEANIE (yells after her) If it means anything to you, I have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT! She snarls and slumps against the lockers. JEANIE He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat. 123 INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL 123 Ferris is standing at the urinal. FERRIS She's a person who views life as an ordeal that must be endured. Her body is a transport vehicle for her anger. I don't know where she gets this shit. Basically, the family's pretty cool. He looks down at the urinal. FERRIS I wonder if everybody shoots at cigarette butts in urinals? Probably not many women. (continues) I used to think that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it. It used to worry me. Then I met Cameron and I saw how his family functioned. He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal. FERRIS Cameron's home life is really shit. He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick all the time. It really upsets him. What he said about his parents hating each other? I refuse to sleep over at his house. His parents fight all the time. Even when I'm there. Is there anything worse than being at somebody's house when their parents are fighting? It's the absolute height of social discomfort. He checks his hair in the mirror. FERRIS When they go after each other, Cameron tightens up. It's scary. He gets so wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns apart with a crowbar. The thing with taking his old man's car? It's good for him. It teaches him to deal with his fear. Plus, and I must be honest here, I love driving it. I highly recommend picking one up. He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes. Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to the sink. 124 INT. RESTAURANT 124 Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're staring at the plates. CAMERON What is it? SLOANE I don't know. But it looks like it's already been eaten and digested. CAMERON I knew it was a mistake letting Ferris order for us. Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat. FERRIS What are you doing? Cameron looks at Ferris. CAMERON What is this shit? FERRIS You got me. I don't speak French. He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate. FERRIS I think it's a land-based beefoid creature. He takes a bite. He savors the taste. FERRIS Splendid. CAMERON Really? FERRIS Superb. Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively. FERRIS Good? Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes. Ferris stops him. FERRIS Yo, Clouseau! The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly. FERRIS I have a growth on my brain that causes memory lapses. Could you tell me what we ordered here? The waiter glances at the plates. WAITER Sweetbreads. FERRIS Uh, huh. And what might that be? WAITER Pancreas. FERRIS As in the gland that has important functions in digestion and metabolism? CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their mouths. CU. FERRIS He continues his questioning. FERRIS ...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid containing digestive enzymes? The home of the world famous isles of Langerhans? CU. WAITER He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal. CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They look at each other. CU. FERRIS He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue. CU. WAITER He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food. CU. FERRIS He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter. FERRIS Check, please! 125 EXT. RESTAURANT 125 Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold. FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the restaurant. FERRIS 40,000 restaurants in the downtown area and I pick the one my father goes to. CAMERON We're gonna get nabbed, for sure. FERRIS No way, Cameron. Only the meek get nabbed. The bold survive. Let's go. He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly. EXT. STREET. CAB Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab. INT. CAB Ferris slams the door. CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away. EXT. RESTAURANT Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes off. MUSIC COMES UP. 126 EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY 126 The grand old Chicago museum. 127 INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT 127 The main gallery is crowded with school kids. INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands looking like giant grade schoolers. INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane, Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process. INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out. INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray. INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart attack. INT. GERMAN U-BOAT Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button and pulls a lever. CU. PROPELLER For the first time in forty years, the screw turns. CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE The famous stages of life display which features bottled fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar. CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat. Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS. SLOANE (remorsefully) I wonder if he has a name? FERRIS (blank) Ninth Month. 128 EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT 128 From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon. CAMERON (VO) Are you guys worried about nuclear war? FERRIS (VO) Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've won our freedom, we're traveling down one of American's most scenic polluted waterways and you have to bring up nuclear war? SLOANE (VO) It is kind of raggy subject, Cam. CAMERON (VO) Regardless. It's with us every day. The possiblity of global destruction. SLOANE (VO) Don't you think it's an issue because people need something to worry about? They have to like, have some major problem that puts all their little bullshit into some kind of persepective? CAMERON (VO) Maybe. FERRIS They used to have Viet Nam. They used to have the oil crisis stuff and Iran. That's over and people have to have their big issue. It's not like somebody came up with the nuclear holocaust yesterday at noon, you know. SLOANE (VO) To answer your question...No, I'm not worried about it at all. FERRIS (VO) We don't know when the bombs going off. We do know, however, that college starts in the fall. CAMERON (VO) (dramatic, deadly serious) Do you know what a nuclear winter is? Long beat. SLOANE (VO) Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real cold and the skiing's for shit. The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME. EXT. BOAT DOCK The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat. Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed. Discussing the end of the world. SLOANE My step-father's always going off about how when he was young he was committed to all these causes. FERRIS He's full of shit. All the old hippies are full of shit. SLOANE He says I don't care about things like he did. FERRIS What's he care about now? SLOANE Baldness, fatty meats and money. FERRIS I rest my case. CAMERON What's spooky is they still control everything. They took over when they were young and they never gave it up. FERRIS One of the most frightening experiences of my young life has been observing my parents and our neighbors playing the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits. It's chilling to see people crazed with the minutia of their past. CAMERON It's human nature to like what you had better than what you have. SLOANE Agreed. A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest. LOUDSPEAKER TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING... The three look to the left. LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON The Sears Tower. CAMERON You know, this is all very interesting but I'm starving. FERRIS An hour ago you wanted to yack. CAMERON I feel better now. FERRIS Lean over and grab a fish. Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought flashes through Sloane's brain. SLOANE What comes after a nuclear winter? FERRIS Nuclear spring. 129 EXT. SCHOOL 129 Meanwhile... 130 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE 130 Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself. JEANIE It's reprehensible to squeal on your own flesh and blood...but it's for his own good. His cavalier attitude will get him into trouble later in life...and it'll continue to piss me off and I'll get so wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer and he'll ruin my life. Screw him. She slips into the Dean's outer office. 131 INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 131 Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile. SECRETARY Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering you now? Jeanie scowls at her. JEANIE Is Dean Rooney in? SECRETARY I'm sorry, he's out. Can I help you? JEANIE (condescending) I seriously doubt it. When's he back? SECRETARY I don't know. He left the grounds on personal business. 132 EXT. STREET. CU. CURB 132 A car tire rolls into FRAME and stops. Slide across to the sidewalk. Rooney's dress shoe steps out onto the pavement. Move up to reveal Rooney standing at the door of his bile-green LeBaron. Rooney peels off his shades and looks around like he's Dirty Harry. In his mind he is Dirty Harry. CU. FIRE HYDRANT Rooney's dres shoe on the hydrant. He ties his lace and pulls up his sock. EXT. STREET Rooney straightens his tie and jacket and slips into a rowdy hot dog joint. 133 INT. HOT DOG STAND 133 It's jammed with construction workers, secretaries, suburban businessmen. It's loud and confusing. Rooney pushes his way in and scopes the crowd. HIS POV A young person is playing a video game in a far corner. CU. ROONEY He suspects it's Ferris. It look sort of like Ferris. He smiles and cuts into the crowd. CU. THE BACK OF THE VIDEO PLAYER'S HEAD MOVE IN on the player. ROONEY (OC) I've been waiting a long time for this. The player looks up. ROONEY (OC) Your ass is mine. The player turns around. It's a GIRL. CU. ROONEY The blood evacuates his face. He stares at the girl. CU. GIRL She stares at him. She picks up her Coke. She puts the straw to her lips and sucks. CU. ROONEY He's still staring. He can't think of anything to say. CU. GIRL Holding the straw in the mouth, she draws it out of the cup. She raises it, pointing it directly in Rooney's face. CU. ROONEY He squints CU. GIRL She blows a strawful of Coke in Rooney's face. CU. NAPKIN HOLDER A hand yanks a napkin hold. INT. HOT DOG STAND. SERVICE COUNTER Rooney wipes his face. Behind him is the kitchen and a grease-covered TV set broadcasting a Cubs baseball game. There's a long foul ball. The TV camera follows the ball into the stands. A kid makes a stab at the ball. Rooney wipes his suit off. The TV camera zooms in on the boy triumphantly holding the foul ball aloft. It's Ferris. He does a little celebration dance. Rooney wads up the napkin and tosses it in a trashbin. The TV camera returns to the game. Rooney glances at the screen. ROONEY What's the score? HOT DOG MAN Zero to zero. ROONEY Who's winning? HOT DOG MAN Cubs. Rooney nods and exits. 134 EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS 134 Ferris sits down with the baseball. He shakes his stinging paw. On either side of him are Cameron and Sloane. Cameron's scarfing nachos. FERRIS I think I broke my thumb. SLOANE Can we leave now? FERRIS You want to leave? We just got here. SLOANE You got a call, you broke your thumb, what's left to do? Cameron offers his nachos to Sloane. She looks at them with disgust. SLOANE No wonder you're always sick. Ferris leans back, puts his hands behind his head and turns his face to the bright sun. FERRIS Do you realize that if I played by the rules, right now I'd be in gym? 135 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL. PLAYING FIELD 135 A boy's gym class is doing laps. A blue Fiat pulls into the shot. 136 INT. FIAT 136 Jeanie's at the wheel. She sneaks a glance at the school. JEANIE I can't believe my brother's making me put myself in a position where I could get expelled. Selfish little moron. (pause) Ferris? You're overshadowed me long enough. I'm gonna get you, buddy. She puts the car in gear and drives out of the shot. 137 EXT. STATE STREET 137 A parade is underway. Floats and politicians. Marching bands, drum and bugle corps, soldiers, school kids. Figure skating club in outfits and skates performing their routines on pavement. It's GERMAN-AMERICAN APPRECIATION DAY. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Riding atop on a float is Ferris. He's waving to the crowd. He and half a dozen homely German-American Beauty Queens. He's leading the girls in singing, "DANKE SHOEN". EXT. STATE STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They're watching Ferris go by. They wave to him. SLOANE I love him. CAMERON It's hard not to. Cameron breaks a smile. As worried as he is about the day and getting caught, he has to admire Ferris for his lack of inhabitions. Cameron mumbles a few words. CAMERON Stop...water...want... SLOANE Do you believe in reincarnation? CAMERON Huh? SLOANE Do you believe that you lived before? CAMERON Yeah. Sort of. SLOANE DO you ever wonder what you were? CAMERON I don't have to wonder. I know. Sloane looks at him with amazement. CAMERON I was a tractor tire. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is on his knees, reaching down from the float, shaking hands with people in the crowd. FERRIS Guten tag, dude! EXT. STATE STREET Sloane and Cameron continue their conversation. CAMERON What were you in a previous life? SLOANE I'm not sure but I think I know who Ferris was. CAMERON Hannibal. SLOANE From the A-Team? CAMERON No. The guy who rode the elephants into Switzerland. Sloane laughs at herself. They step out of the crowd and head down the street in the direction the parade's heading. SLOANE I think if he was anybody, he was Magellan. You know, the guy who went around the world. Cameron nods. SLOANE I could see him ignoring popular belief and taking off on some impossible mission. CAMERON Yeah. As long as I've known him, everything works for him. There's nothing he can't handle. I can't handle anything. School, parents, the future. Ferris can do anything. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is playing "TWIST AND SHOUT" on the accordian. The girls on the float are singing. FERRIS WELL, SHAKE IT UP, BABY, NOW! GIRLS SHAKE IT UP, BABY FERRIS TWIST AND SHOUT! GIRLS TWIST AND SHOUT! FERRIS COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, BABY ON! COME ON AND WORK IT ON OUT! GIRLS WORK IT ON OUT! EXT. STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They continue their conversation. SLOANE The future's worse for a boy, isn't it? Cameron doesn't understand what she means. SLOANE A girl can always bail out and have a baby and get some guy to support her. CAMERON That's a pretty grim thought. SLOANE True, but it's an option. No options is worse. CAMERON I don't know what I'm gonna do. SLOANE College. CAMERON Yeah, but to do what? SLOANE What are you interested in? CAMERON Nothing. SLOANE Me either. They walk on for a few beats. We HEAR "TWIST AND SHOUT" GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER. The sons is taking over all the other tunes in the band. It's infecting the entire parade. CAMERON What do you think Ferris is gonna do? EXT. STATE STREET. MARCHING BAND They're playing TWIST AND SHOUT. EXT. STREET. MOUNTED POLICE OFFICER He's singing. POLICE OFFICER YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET. PUNKS A band of PUNKS are dancing on the roof of a news kiosk. PUNKS LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN A WOMAN and her two TODDLERS sing along. WOMAN YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO FINE! TODDLERS LOOK SO FINE! EXT. STREET. BLACK TEENAGER He's wearing a shower cap and a maroon overcoat. TEENAGER COME ON AND TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. OLD NEWSPAPER SELLER He singing along. NEWSPAPER SELLER TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. CHOIR GROUP They're marching down the parade. They're singing in their angleic voices. CHOIR AND LET ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. STREET CLEANERS With their brooms ready... STREET CLEANERS KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. DECK The entire parade is singing and playing "TWIST AND SHOUT". EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The POLITICIANS and their WIVES stand up. POLITICIANS AND WIVES AH! EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The CLERGYMEN stand. CLERGYMEN AH! EXT. STREET. VETERANS Marching in formation and in WWII uniforms. VETERANS AH! EXT. STREET. FLOAT Ferris leads the Beauty Queens in the rousing finale. FERRIS AH! EXT. STREET. WIDE AND HIGH The entire parade is at frenzy pitch. PARADE AHHHHH! The SOUND OF THE VOICES blends with the SOUND OF A RED-LINED HIGH PERFORMANCE ENGINE. 138 EXT. CALUMET CITY 138 The Port of Chicago. Grim, gritty waterfront. Suddenly, Cameron's father's car flies OVER CAMERA. Like the opening shot in Star Wars. The Starship Ferrari. SLO-MO. CU. FERRARI UNDER-CARRIAGE It travels past to reveal a beautiful blue sky. SLO-MO. CU. PARKING ATTENDANT His eyes are wide with exhilaration. Mouth open, tongue out. Maniac at the wheel. SLO-MO. CU. RASTAMAN His eyes are closed. Big smile. SLO-MO, EXT. STREETS. KIDS They're looking up in the air, following the car as it flies over them. Broad, excited smiles. The car's shadow passes over them. SLO-MO. 139 CU. CAR GRILLE 139 It fills the frame and stops. We MOVE UP to reveal Rooney behind the wheel of his car. EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE Rooney gets out of his car. He looks at the house, looks up and down the street, then crosses to Ferris' house. 140 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 140 Rooney's at the front door. We see him peek in a window at the top of the door. The doorbell rings. 141 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM. COMPUTER 141 It acknowledges the doorbell. CU. CASSETTE PLAYER It clicks on. 142 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT PORCH 142 The house intercom activates. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE. FERRIS Who is it? Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY This is Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd like to have a word with you. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absenses. There's a pause. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY B.S. Come down here. FERRIS' VOICE You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after this illness has past. His voice clicks off. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY I'm not leaving until you come down and talk to me. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY I'm not leaving, Ferris. There's no response. Rooney rings the doorbell again. The pre-recorded litany starts over. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? Rooney doesn't realize that he's listening to a recording. ROONEY Don't get smart with me Ferris! FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition... Rooney leans back from the door. He can't quite figure out what's going on. But's it's highly suspicious. 143 INT. HOUSE. LIVING ROOM 143 Rooney steps through the hedges and peeks in the windows. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE inside. FERRIS' VOICE You may reach my parents at their places of business. 144 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 144 Rooney tries to peak in the kitchen window. FERRIS' VOICE I appreciate your conern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after... 145 EXT. HOUSE. BACKDOOR 145 A black rubber doggie door. The type that allows a dog to come and go as it pleases. Rooney is crouched down. He lifts the doggie door and peeks in the house. HIS POV Along the kitchen floor. Through the kitchen, into the dining room. We hear a LARGE DOG GROWL. CU. ROONEY He's peaking through the door. He hears the dog. His face freezes. FERRIS Have a nice day. EXT. HOUSE. DOGGIE DOOR A Rottweiler bursts through the doggie door in a fury of gnashing teeth and foam. 146 CU. LARGE BREASTS 146 Tassled pasties twirl like airplane propellers. CU. CAMERON, FERRIS AND SLOANE They're sitting in a booth in the garish, nearly deserted strip joint. Cameron's mouth is open in amazement. Sloane is embarrassed and revolted. CAMERON How does she do that? One goes one way, one goes the other. FERRIS She's probably schizophrenic. SLOANE Ferris, this is nauseating me. Really. I'm losing respect for you by the bucket. FERRIS You don't think it's amazing that we got in? SLOANE Who wants to get in? FERRIS Cameron looks like a toddler, for Christ's sake. I'm talking about a major achievement in false identification. SLOANE I'm not interested in watching someone jiggle their mammary glands. FERRIS Point well taken. But consider why she does it. Why she does it and you don't. SLOANE I'm not a tramp. FERRIS Maybe her life fell apart. Maybe she lost somebody. A lover. A boyfriend. A parent. A child... (to CAMERA) This kind of thing makes me a little depressed. You may think because I'm the age I am that I'm a sex maniac. That sex is all I think about. But that's not true. I'm a romantic. I think alot of people my age are. We think about love and matters of the heart. And SAT scores and acne aside, we worry about lonliness. It's a terrible thing. And we feel it. I feel it. He flips his collar up, curls his lip and affects an Elvis impression. A sappy, do-wop track FADES UP. The club lights go down. Cameron and Sloane disappear into darkness. Ferris stands up from the booth. He strolls slowly through the empty club as the stripper bumps and grinds in a pool of blue light. FERRIS You know, someone said the world's a stage and each must play a part. Fate had me playing in love, with you as my sweetheart. Act one was when we met. I loved you at first glance. You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue. Then came act two. You seemed to change. You acted strange. And why, I've never known. He climbs up on the little runway. The stripper disappears in darkness as Ferris takes over the spotlight. FERRIS Honey, you lies when you said you loved me and I had no cause to doubt you. But I'd rather go on hearing your lies than to go on living without you. Now, the stage is bare and I'm standing there with emptiness all around and if you won't come back to me, then they can bring the curtain down... Elvis fades up. The orignal recording. Ferris lip synchs with the big, dramatic florish that was the King's trademark ballad sign-off. ELVIS IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN? SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN? TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? Ferris drops his head. Like the King would. 147 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET. CAMERON'S CAR 147 Cameron's father is looking at the car. He's studying it. It looks terribly familiar. He leans into the open car and reaches for the glovebox to see if the contents will confirm if it's his. He freezes. He looks up slowly. HIS POV The Attendant and the Rastaman are glowering at him. They're holding bags of fried chicken. ATTENDANT You looking for something in my car? CU. CAMERON'S FATHER He shakes his head, no. CAMERON'S FATHER No. 148 EXT. FERRIS' TOWN. JEANIE 148 Jeanie's standing at her car. She's staring incredulously into the distance. Her mouth's open. She's shaking her head slowly. HER POV Spray-painted on the town water tower in gigantic black letters -- SAVE FERRIS BUELLER. CU. JEANIE She's furious. JEANIE I'm gonna microwave his nuts... 149 EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE 149 Afternoon traffic. 150 INT. TAXI CAB 150 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron in the backseat of a checker. Ferris is on one window, Cameron on the other. Sloane's in the middle. Ferris is talking to the DRIVER. FERRIS So... He leans forward and reads the driver's name off the city license. FERRIS So, Yuri, how long have you been in America? DRIVER One year. FERRIS What's your overall impression? DRIVER It's very good here. FERRIS Better than Russia? DRIVER Much better here than in Russia. FERRIS Clearly you've never been to an American high school. Ferris sits back. He puts his arm around Sloane. CAMERON It's getting late, Ferris. I have to get the car home. I know you don't care, but it means my ass. FERRIS You think I don't care? CAMERON I know you don't care. FERRIS That hurts, Cameron. SLOANE Jump back, Ferris, Cameron's been a good sport. FERRIS Cameron, what'd you see today? Cameron looks at him. FERRIS You saw four states, a submarine, a giant heart, seventy five dollars worth of cooked pancreas, two of the most incredible breasts ever to come out of modern plastics, major league baseball and... (quizical look) Are you gonna chuck your nachos? Cameron's staring past Ferris. He's frozen. Ferris realizes he's looking at something out the window. He turns. He freezes. HIS POV In the gridlock traffic, their cab is squeezed tight alongside another cab. In that cab is Tom. He's about a foot from Ferris. He turns and looks right into CAMERA. TOM'S POV Ferris' frozen face. FERRIS' POV Tom glances back at his paper. He pauses. Looks up. Thinks. Turns back to CAMERA. TOM'S POV Sloane is sitting where Ferris was. She's wearing sunglasses, looking bored. She turns and glances out the window. Fakes a yawn. HER POV Tom stares at her. He's baffled. He looks away. INT. CAB. FLOOR. Cameron and Ferris are on the floor. On their asses, with their backs to the back of the front seat, feet up on the seat. FERRIS (to Sloane) What's he doing? SLOANE (revolted) He's looking at me and he's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands. FERRIS What?! Sloane bursts out laughing. SLOANE Roast! She licks her finger and touches Ferris knee. She makes a sizzling sound. She collapes on the seat in hysterics. INT. TOM'S CAB Tom's looking into Ferris' cab. HIS POV Sloane's bouncing up and down. CU. TOM He can't quite figure out what's going on. He turns and slowly raises his newspaper over his face. We see on the back of the paper a small story with the headline: COMMUNITY RALLIES AROUND SICK YOUTH. 151 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD. DOG 151 The Rottweiler's chewing on a shoe. Tearing it apart. EXT. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's standing outside the fence. He's missing a shoe. His suit pants are torn from the crotch to the knee. His suit coat pocket is torn off. His hair's messed and there're grass-stains on his knees and elbows. He's looking in at the dog. ROONEY That's a $28.00 dress shoe, you worthless mutt! HIS POV The Rottweiler leaps at CAMERA. 152 EXT. CITY STREET 152 Ferris is leading the way down Michigan Avenue. He's hustling through the crowd. He has Sloane by the hand. She's jogging to keep up. Cameron's a few steps behind. He keeps bumping into people. Ferris and Sloane make the turn at Wacker Driver and disappear into the Stone Container Building. Cameron follows, mumbling again. CAMERON Money...tits...please... 153 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 153 A florist truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY MAN gets out iwth a huge floral arrangement. He heads up to the house. 154 EXT. HOUSE. PORCH 154 Rooney's sitting on the porch patting a bloody knee with his handkerchief. The delivery man hops up on the steps. Rooney looks up at him. He greets Rooney cheerily. DELIVERY MAN Howdy! He presses the doorbell. A beat and we hear Ferris' recording. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? The Deliver Man presses the intercom. DELIVERY MAN Focus on Flowers. I have a delivery. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry but I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid... ROONEY FERRIS' VOICE It's a recording, asshole. ...that in my weakened condition, I could take a DELIVERY MAN nasty spill and subject What's your problem? myself to further school absenses... ROONEY (pause) He's one of my students. You can reach my parents at their places of DELIVERY MAN business. Thank you for Little bugger's dying. stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well- ROONEY being. It will be What? remembered long after this illness has passed. DELIVERY MAN As I heard it from our mailman he was supposedly born with only half a kidney. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. DELIVERY MAN (to the intercom) Thank you. (continues) I don't know the details. But my boss had to send to Milwaukee to get more orchids. He's very popular. Rooney is flabbergasted. DELIVERY MAN Nobody's home here? ROONEY No. DELIVERY MAN You gonna be around for awhile? ROONEY I imagine so. DELIVERY MAN You wanna keep an eye on these? Rooney looks at the flowers. Then he looks at the Delivery Man. DELIVERY MAN (happy sigh) It really touches me that so many people are rallying behind this guy. I guess there's hope for the human race afterall. He hands the arrangement to Rooney. DELIVERY MAN Gotta run. He bounds off the porch and trots to the truck. Rooney looks incredulously at the arrangement. He opens the attached card. ROONEY (defeated) Oh, Christ... CU. CARD It's signed: ALL OUR BEST FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY THE ENGLISH DEPT. FACULTY AND STAFF 155 INT. RADIO STATION STUDIO 155 The number one afternoon FM rock'n roll D.J. is sitting behind his microphone. D.J. I don't know who that was or what they were playing but I apologize for it nonetheless. (pause) I have a guest with me today... 156 INT. STUDIO. FERRIS 156 He put his headphones on. 157 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 157 Jeanie's car pull in the driveway. We hear her car radio. D.J. His name is Ferris Mueller. FERRIS Bueller. Ferris Bueller. INT. CAR. JEANIE She goes into shock. Her eyes blink, her head cocks. D.J. Sorry about that. FERRIS It's cool. Jeanie draws back and punches out her radio. CU. CAR ANTENNA The impact of her blow to the radio shoots the antenna in the air. 158 INT. STUDIO 158 Ferris leans forward and adjusts the microphone. D.J. He has an incredible story. Ferris turns to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm going to tell a massive lie here. It's going to by very thick and very steamy. I think radio's a facinating medium, it challenges the imagination. Unlike television which provides the images, radio... (pause) You know this. Anyway, it's always been a dream of mine to be on the radio. I have what I consider to be an excellent broadcast voice. I practise it in the bathroom all the time. I used to play records and do introductions to them. But I've never had the chance to sit behind a microphone and try it out for real. This is a 50,000 watt outlet. I'm going out to several million people so let me just say, I'm in a very pleasant groove right now. (clears his voice, speaks into the mike, affects a "radio" voice) Well, Steve, you and your listeners are probably not going to believe this but... 159 INT. SCHOOL 159 A group of kids are sitting around a blaster. FERRIS' VOICE ...I'm the first Chicago area youth to be selected to participate in a space shuttle mission. 160 INT. STUDIO 160 Ferris turns from the mike to CAMERA. FERRIS I was going to say I knew Springsteen's home phone number and I was going to give out the number of the New Jersey State Police but I thought I might get busted. After I got flunked in driver's ed for sideswiping a mail box, which was not in any way, shape or from my fault. I was putting out a cigarette, like I was told. It was weird. I'm so used to getting in a car and lighting up, because I'm not allowed to smoke at home, that I got in the driver's ed. car and spaced completely, pulled out of the lot, lit up a 'boro and Mrs. Heller looked at me like I'd just pulled a bunny out of my nose or something and I realized what the hell I was doing and I went to put it out and hit the mail box. Anyway, I was so pissed off at her reaction to the whole thing that I considered running an ad in a sleaze magazine for a school teacher that does phone sex and I was gonna use Mrs. Heller's home number but is cost too much. I took it again and passed. But I had to work at Burger King to get the cash to pay for the driver's ed. car. The car got fixed in auto shop for nothing and I think Rooney pocketed the cash. But I can't prove it? I'm in high school, remember? He turns back to the DJ. D.J. How did you get picked for this. FERRIS It's kind of a long story but I've been doing alot of programming for NASA. 161 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 161 A even larger group of kids is listening to the blaster. They're cheering him on. 162 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD 162 The Rottweiler is laying unconscious on the lawn. The flower arrangement is scattered all over the yard and the ceramic vase the flowers were in has obviously struck the dog. The broken pieces are all around the dog's head. EXT. FERRIS HOUSE. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's smiling with great satisfaction. ROONEY Sleep tight, pooch. He hears something in the house. His head snaps around. He drops down and peek in the windows. HIS POV A glimpse of a fleeting figure. CU. ROONEY His eyes dance in anticipation of revenge. 163 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM 163 Jeanie kicks the door open. The yardstick flings the covers and the pillows beneath them in the air. She stomps in and turns off the snoring synthesizer. JEANIE I knew it! She grabs the phone and sits down. She dials a number. 164 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 164 Rooney sneaks around the side of the house. He slinks up on the porch. The front door's open. He peeks in. 165 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 165 Jeanie's on the phone. JEANIE Is Mrs. Bueller there? Where is she? This is her daughter. Do you know where she is? Do you know when she'll be back? Do you know anything? She slams the phone down. JEANIE The worm has luck like clams have body odor... She's startled by a noise downstairs. A smile spreads across her face. He's back and she's going to nail him. 166 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 166 Rooney sneaks into the house. He looks around the foyer and heads into the kitchen. 167 INT. HOUSE. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY 167 Jeanie tiptoes down the stairs. 168 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 168 Rooney sneaks through the kitchen into the den. 169 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 169 Jeanie comes down the stairs into the foyer. 170 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 170 Rooney comes out of the den, back into the kitchen. He crosses back toward the foyer. 171 INT. FOYER 171 Jeanie sneaks into the kitchen. 172 INT. KITCHEN 172 Jeanie and Rooney come face-to-face. Jeanie squeals in horror. She doesn't recognize Rooney as himself but as an intruder. She drops into a karate stance and kicks Rooney in the face. He hits the deck. She flees back up the stairs. 173 INT. CAR 173 Boyd is sitting in the backseat of Joyce's car listening to the radio. FERRIS' VOICE My input on the Star Wars defense plan was pretty substantial so I guess this is their way of rewarding me. I'm pretty flattered. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients leave a show house and head toward the car. INT. CAR Boyd looks out the window as his parents and Joyce appear. D.J. VOICE Can you stay around and take a few phone calls? FERRIS' VOICE I'd really like to but I have a kidney operation in about an hour. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients take one last look at the house. JOYCE If you're willing to commit a little time and a little money to this place, you can really have something to be proud of. Don't let the black living room throw you off. She opens the car door. INT. CAR The door opens. D.J. VOICE I wish you the best of luck. FERRIS' VOICE Thanks, Steve. D.J. VOICE A very interesting guy, Ferris Bueller. Joyce gets in. The clients get in the other side. A song starts. JOYCE (to the kid) Well, Boyd, how are you bearing up? The kid stares at her. JOYCE Did I tell you I have a son your age? BOYD Twice. JOYCE His name is Ferris. I think you'd like him. Boyd sits up in the seat at the mention of Ferris' name. BOYD Is he going up in the space shuttle in September? Joyce looks around at Boyd. She gives him a curious look. JOYCE Not that I know of. BOYD I knew he was bullshitting. MOTHER Watch your mouth. BOYD How do you watch your mouth? JOYCE Do you know my son? FATHER Don't pay any attention to him. He thinks it's cute to bait adults. BOYD I don't think it's cute. I think it's fun. Joyce give him a puzzled smile and starts the car. 174 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 174 Jeanie's on the phone. She's in a panic. JEANIE This is not a phoeny phone call. There's an intruder, male caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird, in our kitchen. (pause) My name is Bueller. There's another pause. Jeanie's face drops. JEANIE It's real nice that you hope my brother's feeling better but I'm in danger, okay? I'm very cute, I'm very alone and I'm very protective of my body. I'd rather not have it violated or killed. I need help! 175 INT. KITCHEN 175 Rooney's plugging his bloody nose with paper towel. The intercom goes on. JEANIE'S VOICE Excuse me. If whoever's in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I have just called the police. If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get your ass out of my house real quick. Rooney stiffens with fear. JEANIE'S VOICE I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun. And a scorching case of herpes. 176 EXT. STREET 176 Rooney's car is hooked to a tow truck. It's parked in front of a fire hydrant and the windshield is decorated with parking citations. In the distance SIRENS WAIL. 177 EXT. PARKING LOT 177 The three are waiting for the Ferrari. We HEAR TIRES SQUEALING, AN ENGINE REVING-OUT. Then the Ferrari pulls down the ramp and jams to a frightening stop. A BLACK GUY jumps out. Ferris hands him the parking stub. FERRIS Just out of curiosity, what was your top speed coming down the ramp? BLACK GUY (matter-of-fact) About 60. FERRIS Stunning! He hands him a buck and opens the door and pulls the passenger seat forward for Cameron. FERRIS This is probably the last time you'll have to ride back here. Keep that in mind. Cameron gives him a look and squeezes in. 178 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET 178 The Ferrari cruises through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane's in the passenger seat. Ferris is driving and Cameron is crammed in the back. SLOANE What's next. CAMERON Nothing. We return the car. SLOANE We could go to my house. My parents aren't coming home until late. FERRIS We have enough cash left for a quick flight to Peoria and back. CAMERON Very funny. Ferris looks in the mirror and changes lanes. He glances down at the speedometer, then to the road. And back to the speedometer. FERRIS Cameron? How many miles did you say this thing had when we left? CAMERON One hundred and twenty six and halfway between three and four tenths. Why? How many miles are on it now? He glances down at the speedometer. CU. SPEEDOMETER The odometer reads 432.7. FERRIS (to CAMERA) Here's where Cameron goes berserk. EXT. TRAFFIC The Ferrari pulls up at a stop light. We HEAR A THUNDERING, MUFFLED SCREAM. EXT. EXPRESSWAY The Ferrari is buzzing through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane turns in her seat and looks at Cameron. Her gesture is one of genuine support. SLOANE You okay? CU. CAMERON His eyes are frozen in a mindless, vacant stare. CU. FERRIS He looks at Sloane. He's concerned. FERRIS Hey, Cameron. It's okay. We'll fix it. CU. CAMERON He's still holding the stare. He starts to breathe heavily. He's trembling. CU. SLOANE She whips around in the seat and grabs his arms. SLOANE Cameron! Cut it out! What's wrong?! Ferris! CU. FERRIS He shoots Sloane a look. FERRIS Cameron, are you okay? It's no problem, really. Your old man won't know a thing. It's completely fixable. INT. FERRARI Sloane fires an angry look at Ferris. SLOANE Shut-up! It is a problem! For him it's a problem. Nothing's a problem for you. But it's a problem for him! So, just shut-up. She turns back to Cameron. SLOANE What can I do, Cameron? CU. FERRIS Eyes front. He knows what he's doing. 179 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. FOYER 179 The doorbell rings. The Ferris' tape is activated. FERRIS VOICE Who is it? We hear a MALE VOICE over the intercom. VOICE Anybody home? FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry that I can't come to the door right now... The tape continues as Jeanie hurtles down the stairs. JEANIE I'm saved! Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you! She jumps the last few stairs and slides to the front door. She whips it open. 180 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT DOOR 180 The door swings open. JEANIE Thank...you... Her jaw goes slack. She blinks her eyes. HER POV The Delivery Man and a young ASSISTANT are standing at the door with floral arrangements. Spread all around them are more flowers. A sexy singing NURSE and a BALLOON MAN steps up on the porch. NURSE (sings) WE HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER WE HOPE YOU'RE FELLING FIT WE... The door slams shut. 181 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET 181 Rooney's walking down the street. A school bus is crawling alongside him as kids hang out the windows. From inside we hear SHOUTING and seventeen different SONGS PLAYING ON BLASTERS. A top forty montage. KID Hey, Mr. Rooney! What're you doing? Rooney doesn't respond. ANOTHER KID Did you get in a fight? Rooney keep walking. The bus doors open. The DRIVER calls out to him. DRIVER You want a lift? Rooney takes a few more steps. He stops. The bus stops. Rooney takes a deep breath. He climbs aboard the bus. 182 INT. BUS 182 The bus is jammed with WONKS and WEINERETTES. The passengers are silent as they watch Rooney shuffle down the aisle and take an empty seat next to a skinny, myopic GIRL. CU. GIRL She looks at Rooney and smiles. She pushes her Coke bottle glasses up on her nose. CU. ROONEY He looks vacantly at her. CU. GIRL She holds her smile. GIRL I'll bet you never smelled a real school bus before. CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She holds up a candy package. GIRL Gummi Bear? CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She puts one in her mouth. GIRL They've been in pocket. They're real soft and warm. CU. BOY A rotund FRESHMAN BOY sitting across from Rooney is staring at him. CU. ROONEY He looks across to the kid. CU. BOY He leans forward. FRESHMAN BOY It's kind of like being in the belly of the beast isn't it? CU. ROONEY He turns him eyes to the front. The bus jerks forward and pulls away. 183 EXT. BUS 183 It grinds through the gears as it heads down the quiet street. The BLASTERS go back on, the SHOUTING RESUMES. 184 EXT. PARK 184 Cameron's laying on a picnic table. Sloane's sitting beside him on the table. She's stroking his hair. Ferris WALKS INTO THE FOREGROUND. He addresses CAMERA. FERRIS This may very well be for real. I think Cameron might have blown a micro-chip or two. He's always been a little keyed-up. All I wanted to do was give him a good day. We're gonna graduate in a couple of months. Then we have the summer. He'll work and I'll work. And we'll see each other at night and on the weekends but then he'll go to one school and I'll go to another. And basically that'll be it. As much as we like each other, the process of growing up will separate us. He begins to walk. We follow him. FERRIS Sloane's a bigger problem. She still has another year of high school. How do I deal with that? I was serious when I said I'd marry her. I would. This isn't just teenage infatuation. That's what my parents call it. What do they call what they have? If that's love, I'll take infatuation. CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. Sloane's stroking his hair. FERRIS (VO) Cameron's never been in love. At least no one's ever been in love with him. He's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like shit because he's gonna kiss her ass for giving him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existance. She won't respect him because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work. CU. SLOANE She's studying Cameron's face. She looks away. SLOANE Ferris? CU. FERRIS He looks to the picnic table. Then back to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm being tested here. He starts back to the picnic table. FERRIS My best friend has flipped-out. Conventional wisdom would suggest a visit to the nearest trauma center. I wouldn't fault anybody for doing that. My, personally, I think this calls for something new, something bold, something wet and wild. 185 CU. JACUZZI JET 185 UNDERWATER SHOT. A hyrdojet spews a gush of air bubbles. CU. BLASTER A finger pushes the PLAY button on the cassette. MUSIC COMES UP. CU. BEER CAN LID The finger pops a beer. CU. OREO PACKAGE A painted fingernail pierces the cellophane wrapper. INT. JACUZZI Ferris and Sloane are in Sloane's parents' Jacuzzi. Their clothes are tosssed around the deck. Cameron's been placed in a patio chair at the edge of the Jacuzzi. He's still catatonic. He's mummbling softly. Ferris is drinking a beer. Sloane's eating Oreos. FERRIS You feeling any better, Cameron? SLOANE The water's really nice. I wish you'd come in. CU. CAMERON Staring into space. CAMERON Surgery...fire...move... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They look at each other. She offers him a cookie. He offers her his beer. FERRIS Cameron? Do you think this because of the car or is it a combination of everything shitty in your life? CU. CAMERON He doesn't respond. CAMERON Music...kiss...attack... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS Sloane sips the beer. FERRIS You just can't deal with anymore shit? The car took you into the red zone? Time for a reality check? SLOANE Cameron? I could flip real easy, too. There's nothing wrong with it. At one time or another, everybody goes to the zoo. FERRIS Maybe he was actually sick. Maybe he wasn't bullshitting himself. CU. CAMERON No response. CAMERON Gesundheit...God...mercy... EXT. BACKYARD Ferris and Sloane watch their catatonic friend. CU. CAMERON He smiles. CU. SLOANE She leans forward and stares at Cameron. CU. FERRIS He cocks his head, wondering what Cameron's up to. CU. CAMERON He keels over forward. EXT. BACKYARD Cameron falls out of the chair and splashes down, face-first, into the water. Sloane screams. Ferris leaps for him. UNDERWATER Ferris struggles with Cameron's lifeless bulk. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. Ferris thrashes around in the water. UNDERWATER Ferris grabs Cameron's collar and rips him out of the water. EXT. BACKYARD Ferris sits Cameron on the edge of the Jacuzzi. FERRIS CAMERON! CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. He's lifeless. CU. FERRIS His face is a mask of terror. He shakes Cameron. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. CU. CAMERON A smile spreads across his face. CU. FERRIS He sees the smile. He stops shaking Cameron. EXT. JACUZZI Ferris and Cameron are looking at each other. Sloane's still screaming. She realizes that Cameron's okay. She stops screaming. SLOANE What? FERRIS (Cameron) You asshole! Cameron's smiling. SLOANE What? Ferris starts to laugh. Cameron explodes with laughter. Sloane's bewildered. SLOANE What's so funny? 186 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 186 Jeanie's sitting on a wooden bench with a WASTED TEENAGE BOY in a Triumph t-shirt, long hair, torn jeans, creepers, studs and chains. He's studying her. BOY Drugs? JEANIE No, thank you. I'm straight. BOY I meant, are you here for drugs? Jeanie stares at him. JEANIE Why are you here? BOY Drugs. JEANIE I don't know why I'm here. BOY Then why don't you go home? JEANIE Why don't you put your thumb up your butt? The boy stares at her. BOY You want to talk about your problem? JEANIE With you? Are you serious? BOY Yeah, I'm serious. JEANIE Blow yourself. Jeanie turns away. The boy crosses his legs. Jeanie looks back at him. JEANIE You really want to know what's wrong? The boy shrugs. JEANIE Alright. If you've got the time, I've got the troubles. In a nutshell, I hate my brother. How's that? BOY That's cool. Did you shoot him or something? JEANIE No, not yet. The boy nods. He understands the emotion. JEANIE I went home to confirm that the shithead was ditching school and a guy broke into the house and I called the cops and they picked me up for making a phoney phone call. BOY What do you care if your brother ditches school? Jeanie stares at the boy. JEANIE Why should he get to ditch school when everybody else has to go? BOY You could ditch. JEANIE I'd get caught. BOY So, you're pissed at him because he ditches and doesn't get caught? JEANIE Basically. The boy nods knowingly. BOY Then your problem is you. JEANIE Excuse me? BOY Excuse you. You oughta spend a little more time dealing with yourself and a little less time worrying about what your brother does. It's just an opinion. Jeanie stares angrily at him. Partly because he's so bold and partly because he's so right. BOY There's somebody you should talk to. Jeanie stares at him threateningly. JEANIE If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle. BOY You know him? CU. JEANIE'S HAND It curls into a fist. 187 CU. FERRARI TIRE 187 It's spinning rapidly. CY. ACCELERATOR A brick's resting on the accelerator, holding it down. INT. CAMERON'S GARAGE Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the garage. The Ferrari is jacked up. The wheels are turning. The engine's racing. CAMERON The whole time I was just thinking things over. I was like, meditating. I was thinking about the future. And I realized it doesn't make and difference if the present goes to shit. FERRIS I have a agree with you there. SLOANE Really. CAMERON I've been thinking all day that if you could only have the use of one word, what would it be? FERRIS Sloane is naked before your eyes and you're thinking about words? SLOANE God bless you, Cameron. CAMERON Thank you, Sloane. CAMERON If you guys only had one word, what would it be? FERRIS I can't believe you'd think up something like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi right in front of you. SLOANE Come on, Ferris, answer his question. FERRIS Bathroom. SLOANE I'd say... She thinks. FERRIS Cash. CAMERON It's the only word you could ever use. FERRIS Hello. SLOANE Love. FERRIS And what is you loathe somebody? Are you going to say "love" every time you see them? SLOANE It's better than "hello". FERRIS Hellos' generic. SLOANE You wanna be generic? CAMERON It's help. Cameron smiles at his wisdom. Ferris and Sloane think about it. It's a good choice. Cameron gets up and walks to the Ferrari. CAMERON The word is help. Cameron peeks in the window. CU. ODOMETER Nothing's happening. INT. GARAGE Cameron pulls his head out of the car. CAMERON Ferris? It's not working. Ferris looks up. CAMERON The miles aren't coming off, running it in reverse. FERRIS I thought that might be a problem. Let's crack open the odometer and roll it back by hand. Cameron shakes his head. CAMERON I got a better idea. It's cool. He walks back around behind the Ferrari. CAMERON Seventeen years and I've never taken a stand. Now, I'm gonna do it. I'm taking a stand against my father, against my family, against myself, against my past, my present and my future. I will not sit idly by as events that affect me unfold to change the course of my life. I will take a stand and I will defend it. When my father comes home tonight, he's finally going to have to deal with me. Good or bad, I'm taking a stand. CU. FERRIS He turns to CAMERA. FERRIS This is a big U-2 fan. CU. SLOANE She smiles proudly at Cameron. She applauds him. CU. CAMERON He's serious and determined. He has made up his mind and it appears that it won't be changed by anyone but himself. CU. TIRES It's spinning wildly. CU. MERCEDES BUMPER Cameron's foot rests on the bumper. A beat and it gives a mighty shove. CU. TIRE The spinning tires slam down on the cement. INT. GARAGE Cameron has kicked the Ferrari off the jack. It squeals out of the garage in a cloud of blue tire smoke. A $50,000 unmanned investment heading backwards down a driveway. CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They're in shock. EXT. HOUSE The Ferrari shoots down the driveway. INT. GARAGE Cameron watches the car go. He's strangely placcid about the impending disaster. Ferris and Sloane are bewildered. THEIR POV The Ferrari travels down the driveway, across the street, over the curb into the wooded property opposite the house. CU. TREE The Ferrari's brief journey ends as it smacks a tree trunk. INT. GARAGE Ferris and Sloane exchange baffled looks. They look at Cameron. He's proud and bold. FERRIS What was that about? SLOANE This has to be a dream. FERRIS Cameron? One quick question. Why'd you do that? Cameron holds his proud posture for a beat. Then a look of bewilderment comes over his face. He shoots a look to Ferris. A puzzled look. FERRIS You trashed the car. Cameron looks across the street. SLOANE Why? CAMERON I took a stand. FERRIS No, Cameron. You wrecked a car. Cameron thinks for a moment. Then he regains his confidence. CAMERON It's okay. Ferris looks across the street at the car. FERRIS I have an idea. If you're interested. Cameron looks at him. He shakes his head. CAMERON I'm gonna handle it. FERRIS I think this could work. CAMERON No, thanks. I want to deal with it by myself. SLOANE What about your one word? CAMERON You already did it. If I need it again, I'll use it. He smiles. He raises am impish eyebrow. CAMERON It's cool. I'm loose. 188 INT. POLICE STATION. OFFICE 188 Joyce is talking with the juvenile officer. Outside the office, on the bench, we see Jeanie and the boy making out. JOYCE She's never been in trouble before. This is a shock to me. First, I don't know why she wasn't at school. Second, I don't know why she'd call you with this story about a rapist. OFFICER For whatever reasons she did it, I think she'd had a good scare. JOYCE I hope so. I appreciate your calling me. I can assure you that her father and I will have a long talk with her. The gathers her purse and jacket and stands. JOYCE Thank you. OFFICER Oh, by the way, I hope you son's feeling better. Joyce looks at the officer curiously. OFFICER Tell him, all the guys at the station here are pulling for him. 189 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 189 Jeanie quickly breaks the embrace with the boy as Joyce steps out of the juvenile officer's room. She's still a little bewildered that everybody knows Ferris was ill. Jeanie wipes her lips and sits up straight. The boy adjusts his pants to better hide his passion. JEANIE (to the boy) If you keep this to yourself, I think we can probably get it on pretty good. BOY For sure. Jeanie stands up. JEANIE Hi. JOYCE Don't "hi" me, young lady. Get your stuff. Jeanie reaches down for her purse. BOY What's your name? JEANIE Jean. What's yours? BOY Garth Volbeck. 190 EXT. SLOANE'S BACKYARD 190 Sloane and Ferris are standing at the back fence. SLOANE I had a great time today. FERRIS Yeah. It was pretty cool. SLOANE You think Cameron's gonna be alright? FERRIS Sure. He had to so it, I guess. His old man had it coming. He'll be okay. I'd be worried if he'd taken my idea. Sloane smiles knowingly. SLOANE You didn't have an idea, did you? FERRIS Not a glimmer. SLOANE You're so smart. FERRIS No. I'm just real loose. He kisses her. FERRIS I'll call you tonight. Sloane nods. Ferris jumps the fence and takes off across the backyards. Sloane watches him go. A huge smile spreads across her face. SLOANE I LOVE YOU! She backs away from the fence. MUSIC FADES UP. SLOANE He's gonna marry me. I know it. She turns and runs into the house. 191 EXT. BACKYARD 191 Ferris sprints across a backyard. He jumps a plaster elf. 192 EXT. ANOTHER BACKYARD 192 Ferris vaults a fence. He runs directly for a swimming pool. He's approaching it from the side. He leaps, hits the diving board, springs off, does a flip and lands on the grass on the other side of the pool. 193 CU. BEDSPREAD 193 Neatly bundles stacks of bills and rolled coins. A significant amount of cash. CU. SLOANE She's writing. CU. PIECE OF PAPER We see a portion of the typewritten letter as she signs it. "...in the amount of $1,765.33. It gives us great pleasure to assist you in performance of your worthy and much needed survives to those so desperately in need. Sincerely, Sloane Peterson Executive Director The Ferris Bueller Foundation" 194 EXT. FERRIS' STREET 194 He's running down the middle of the street. A car honks. Ferris moves to the side. The car pulls around him. INT. CAR. Tom's at the wheel. He glances in the mirror. He does a take. HIS POV. MIRROR We see Ferris cut across a front lawn and into a house. CU. TOM He realizes it couldn't be Ferris. 195 INT. HOUSE 195 Ferris runs through the kitchen, past a WOMAN, fixing dinner and out her backdoor. The Woman looks up curiously. 196 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 196 Tom pulls in the driveway. He parks and gets out. Joyce pulls in from the other direction. 197 EXT. HOUSE. BACK PORCH 197 Ferris tries the door. It's locked. He reaches down and lifts the doormat. CU. PORCH The outline of a key in the dirt under the mat. The key's gone. The toe of a chewed-up dress shoe steps INTO FRAME. An OMNIOUS CHORD IS STRUCK. CU. FERRIS He stares up in horror. HIS POV Rooney's looking down at him. He's holding the house key. EXT. PORCH Ferris stands up. He smiles. ROONEY Looking for this? FERRIS Yes. ROONEY I got you, Ferris. This time I finally got you. Ferris is caught. There's no way out. Rooney gloats severely. ROONEY How does another year of high school sit with you? Suddenly, the backdoor opens. Jeanie looks out. She feigns joy and relief. She rushes Ferris and hugs him. JEANIE Thank God, you're alright! We've been worried sick! CU. FERRIS A moment of curiosity. Then it dawns on him what's happening. He smiles. CU. ROONEY His eyes dart from Ferris to Jeanie to Ferris. His victory is evaporating. EXT. PORCH Jeanie breaks the embrace. JEANIE (to Rooney) Thank you for bringing him home, Mr. Rooney. (to Ferris) You better get up in bed tight now. Ferris limps into the house. JEANIE Can you imagine someone as sick as Ferris trying to walk home from the hospital? (shakes her head) Kids! CU. ROONEY He's dumbfounded. CU. JEANIE She raises her hands and strikes a karate pose. A huge smile passes over her face. CU. ROONEY A look of terror as he realizes that is was Jeanie who kicked him and that Jeanie knows it was he who she kicked. EXT. PORCH Jeanie steps into the house. 198 INT. HOUSE 198 The door closes on Rooney's defeated, lost, dejected, bewildered face. Not only has he lost Ferris again, he has Jeanie to deal with next year. 199 EXT. YARD. CU. DOG 199 The click of the door wakes him up. His head pops up off the grass. CU. ROONEY He senses new danger. We hear AN O.C. GROWL. Rooney squeezes his eyes shut. 200 INT. KITCHEN 200 Kimberly and Todd are sitting at the kitchen table watching TV and eating cereal. They look up at Ferris as he comes in from outside. TODD Ferris? Does my head look like it's getting bigger? Ferris leans against the counter as he tries to catch his breath. He looks at his little brother. FERRIS No, but Kimberly's is. He crosses to the refrigerator and opens it. Kimberly feels her head. KIMBERLY (to Todd) Is he serious? TODD I think so. KIMBERLY Oh, shit! Ferris takes out a bottle of orange juice out of the refrigerator and drinks straight from the bottle. Jeanie comes in. FERRIS Thanks, Jeanie. JEANIE No problem. FERRIS By the way, I borrowed some cash from you. I'll pay you back. JEANIE You don't have to. FERRIS I want to. JEANIE You don't have to. I've been ripping off your wallet for years. Ferris gives her a proud smile. 201 EXT. HOUSE 201 Joyce and Tom head up to the kitchen. 202 INT. KITCHEN 202 Ferris and Jeanie exit the kitchen as Joyce and Tom enter. JOYCE (to Todd and Kimberly) Hi, guys. KIMBERLY Is my head swelling up? 203 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 203 The foyer is jammed with floral arrangements, plants and gifts. Ferris and Jeanie step gingerly through the flowers and head upstairs. JEANIE I'm sorry I've been riding your buns for so long. FERRIS It's completely cool. JOYCE (OC) Ferris! Ferris continues up the stairs. He affects a sickly voice. FERRIS Upstairs, Mom! 204 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING 204 Ferris and Jeanie stop. JEANIE Do you know a guy named Garth Volbeck? FERRIS Vaguely. JEANIE Is he cool? FERRIS He's cool. But stay away from his brother. Ferris walks into the room, brushes the crumbs off his hands and peels off his shirt. He climbs into bed. No sooner are the covers over him than the bedroom door opens and Joyce and Tom walk in. They walk over to the bed. Joyce sits down. JOYCE Honey? CU. FERRIS The same deathly face he had in the morning. Tongue out, eyes bulging. TOM (OC) Ferris? How do you feel? He pulls in his tongue to speak. FERRIS (deathly gasp) 150% better, thank you. 205 INT. BEDROOM 205 Tom and Joyce hover over him with deep concern. FERRIS I'm much better, really. Please, don't make me stay home again. I want to go to school. I'm graduating in June and I... TOM Ferris. You're sick. There's no point pushing yourself and making it worse. FERRIS Maybe you're right, Dad. TOM I know I'm right. Joyce leans over and kisses him forehead. JOYCE How did you get so sweet? FERRIS Years of practice. Tom pats Ferris on the rump. He and Joyce exit. CU. FERRIS The hideous face. A beat and we HEAR THE BEDROOM DOOR CLOSE. Ferris looks at CAMERA. FERRIS (happy sigh) Yeah, life is a carousel. A great big crazy ball of pure living, breathing joy and delight. He rolls over on his back and puts his hands behind his head. FERRIS You gotta get one. He smiles. MUSIC UP BIG END TITLES THE END

The Fifth Element An original script by Luc Besson Revisions by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen August 1995 Draft Gaumont and Les Films du Dauphin FADE IN: 1 EXT. DESERT NILE RIVER VALLEY - DAY Somewhere in the Nile at the edge of the desert. CREDITS ROLL WRITTEN: EGYPT 1913 OMAR and his mule zigzag along the bottom of sun scorched dunes. 2 EXT. TEMPLE EXCAVATION - DAY The mule and the boy finally reach a camp. A few tents dwarfed by a huge temple door jutting out of the sand. The camp is deserted except for some kids by the temple entrance holding large mirrors, reflecting light into the temple. Omar leaves his mule in the shade, seizes two goatskins and slips inside the temple. 3 INT. TEMPLE - DAY Omar makes his way uneasily down a pillared corridor that opens into a vast room where an old scientist stands on a small wooden ladder in front of the wall across the room. PROFESSOR MASSIMO PACOLI. A young man is beside him, BILLY MASTERSON, age 25, an American student. He has a large sketchpad in his hands. Behind them AZIZ, age 10, whose job is to hold the last mirror which shines light into the expansive room. PROFESSOR (deciphering) "..when the three planets are in eclipse.." His fingers trace across the wall which is covered with symbols and strange hieroglyphs as he deciphers. PROFESSOR "..the black hole like a door is open... Evil comes ... sowing terror and chaos..." See? The snake, Billy. The Ultimate Evil ... make sure you get the snake! The Professor points emphatically to the snake, the symbol of Evil, coming through the door between the three planets in eclipse. C.U. Billy's hand sketches the snake quickly. He is a natural artist. BILLY And when is this door opening snake act supposed to occur? The Professor's fingers touch the signs. PROFESSOR ..if this is the five..and this the thousand.. He calculates. PROFESSOR Every five thousand years.. BILLY (kidding) So I have some time.. He reaches for the pad. ANGLE ON: Omar. Standing at the entrance to the chamber with the water bag, entranced by the sight. A skeletal hand falls on his shoulder. Omar turns to an ancient PRIEST in a rough milled black cannock. PRIEST I will take it to them my son. Startled but obedient, Omar gives the water bag to the Priest. PRIEST Go with God.. be safe from Evil.. The Priest makes the sign of the Cross on the boy's forehead, dismissing him. As soon as he is gone, the Priest turns a worried eye to the Professor. ANGLE ON: The Professor is back to translating, Billy to sketching. PROFESSOR "..then arrange the elements of life against the Terror just so.." His fingers run on. PROFESSOR "..Water..fire..earth..air..four elements around the fifth.." His fingers fall on the one element that has a human shape, surrounded by all the others. The Priest opens the water skin and begins to pour a vial of powder into the skin. ANGLE ON: Aziz falling asleep. The mirror falls, the light fails. PROFESSOR Aziz! Light! The boy struggles to stay awake. The mirror comes up. PRIEST Lord forgive me.. they already know too, much.. PROFESSOR "..in which all the history of the Universe resides ..all the strength..all the hope..Protect us from Evil.." PRIEST (V.O.) Amen.. The Professor turns to the Priest who is pouring water into a tin cup from the skin. PROFESSOR Father.. it in the most extraordinary thing.. the greatest find in history..can you imagine the implications. PRIEST Only too well... here you must be parched.. He hands the cup to the Professor. The Professor takes it, has it almost to his lips when.. PROFESSOR I mean look.. it is like a battle plan.. In his excitement he does not drink, much to the Priest's chagrin. PROFESSOR Here the Good.. Here the Evil.. As the Priest looks up, Aziz the mirror boy, tips his mouth under the water skin, drinking the leakage. PROFESSOR Here.. He points to the Five Elements. PROFESSOR A weapon against evil. Amazing! I am going to be famous. PRIEST Then let us toast to your fame! Here Billy.. The Priest hands Billy a cup. PRIEST Drink! PROFESSOR To fame.. salud.. The Professor raises the cup to drink, and then... PROFESSOR We cannot toast with water.. Billy ! In my sack.. the Grappa! The Priest watches, disconsolate, as the Professor tosses away his water. Billy finishes his cup before running off into the tunnel. 4 EXT. COLONNADE - DAY A muffled SOUND grows steadily louder. Outside, a monstrous linear shadow disturbs the kid's game and gradually darkens the temple entrance. 5 INT. TUNNEL - DAY Billy is looking for the grappa in the Professor's bag. He comes upon a machine pistol. When the muffled SOUND suddenly grabs his attention. He leans toward the corridor and sees part of a spaceship appear. Billy is paralyzed. 6 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The Professor keeps reading over the inscription. PROFESSOR "..this perfect person.. this perfect being.." I do not understand this.. perfect? PROFESSOR Where is that boy? Billy! 7 INT. TUNNEL - DAY Billy presses himself against the wall, in the shadows, terrified, but sketching away like mad, as large shadowed figures lumber past him. He begins to blink, feeling the effects of the Priest's potion.. 8 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The Professor reads the wall. PROFESSOR And this divine Light they talk about.. what is Divine light? At that moment, the reflection from Aziz's mirror drops again. The light fails. PROFESSOR (without turning) Aziz light! The room is flooded with light all of the sudden. PROFESSOR Better.. this is the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen.. The Professor turns around, and is stunned speechless to find himself face to face with two MONDOSHAWANS. A dozen others fill the hall manning the source of the light, large luminous globes. Aziz is fast asleep. PROFESSOR (uncomprehending) ...Uh, yes? The Professor is lifted up and carried off to the side by the aliens. The KOMMANDER stops in front of the Priest who is still on his knees, face to the ground. PRIEST Master... He was about to discover everything, but I had the situation under control. The two MONDOSHAWAN GUARDS hold the professor three feet off the ground. PROFESSOR (in a panic) Who are you? Are you Germans? Sprechen Sie Deutsch? 9 INT. TUNNEL Billy staggers forward, a machine pistol in his hand. 10 INT. TEMPLE ROOM The KOMMANDER holds out his hand to the Priest. PRIEST What did I do wrong? The Priest jumps to his feet excitedly. KOMMANDER Servant, you and the thousand guards before you... You have done your work well, but we have to recover the elements. War will soon engulf your planet. We must keep them safe. The Kommander goes over to the wall and seems to be looking for a lock. He finds it and slides in his metallic finger which is more intricate than a key to a safe. He turns his hand, activating a mechanism that opens the wall. PROFESSOR Unbelievable!!! The Kommander turns around and crooks a finger. One of the MONDOSHAWANS waves his hand, puts the professor to sleep and heads down the hallway revealed by the opening. He is followed by his men. The Priest slips in behind them. 11 INT. ROOM 2 TEMPLE - DAY The Kommander steps into a vast room. The ceiling is very high, pyramid- shaped. In each corner of the room, four vessels contain four rectangular twelve-inch stones-, the four elements. In the middle, an opaque sarcophagus rests on an altar. The Kommander stops and contemplates it a moment. PRIEST (to himself) The Fifth Element... KOMMANDER Take them and put them in a safe place. His men carry out his order. 12 INT. ROOM 1 TEMPLE - DAY Billy staggers across the floor, struggling to stay awake. 13 INT. ROOM 2 TEMPLE - DAY The Kommander opens a case. His men come and put the four, precious stones in it, one by one. PRIEST (moved) Will the elements be gone now forever from this place? KOMMANDER When mankind comes to its senses. We will return. PRIEST Knowing mankind as I do, that could take centuries! KOMMANDER Time is of no importance, only life is important. The Priest nods and lowers his eyes. Angle on: Billy staggering forward, raising his pistol, blinking his eyes to focus.. A MONDOSHAWAN puts the fourth element in the case The Kommander shuts the case and looks at the Priest. KOMMANDER When EVIL returns so shall we. PRIEST (head lowered) We will be ready, Lord. Billy suddenly staggers into the room, brandishing his gun. BILLY Stop. Billy trips, the gun goes off. He empties the clip. The Mondoshawan carrying the case crumples to the ground. The wall immediately begins to close. Billy fires wildly, unable to control the powerful kicking gun. PRIEST No!!! Don't!!! The Priest rushes Billy. The weapon has such a kick to it that Billy starts shooting into the air, backs up, then stumbles and knocks himself out. The Priest is on the ground, seriously wounded. So is the Kommander. The WARRIORS are in a panic. CLERK Hurry, Kommander! The wall's closing!!! The wall continues to close. Sand pours in from everywhere. The vast room fills up like an hourglass. KOMMANDER A mission is a mission, Savoia. You'll learn that. The Kommander picks up the case and reaches the wall but can't get through it. His armor is too bulky, the opening too small. He manages to get his arm and the case through. KOMMANDER My apologies to General Kroi -- and my wife.. The wall closes, crushing his arm. The CLERK scoops up the case and runs through the huge piles of sand. 14 EXT. COLONNADE - DAY The CLERK boards the ship carrying the case. Omar hides in a corner, frightened to death, hugging Billy's bag of drawings. 15 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The room fills with sand. The Priest's body is soon buried. 16 EXT. DESERT - DAY The huge ship's main hatch closes. 17 EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The ship lifts off and speeds away. Omar emerges from the temple gaping at the ship as it vanishes in the sky. 18 EXT. PYRAMIDS A gigantic shooting star flashes above the pyramids. 19 EXT. EARTH ORBIT The ship passes in front of us and heads for the stars disappearing at unbelievable speed. The background is a star-spattered cosmos. WRITTEN: 500 YEARS LATER Another, more modern, spaceship, fills the screen. A warship belonging to the Federal Army. 20 INT. SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM CU of a digital control screen. Three planets projecting three straight lines that crisscross at one point. Identical to the one observed by the professor on the temple wall. GENERAL STAEDERT looks out through the ship's window at one of the three huge planets in eclipse. STAEDERT Don't you have anything? Not even a temperature? CAPTAIN The thermo-analyzers have jammed. One of them reads over a million degrees, the other's at minus 5000... Never seen anything like it. TECHNICIAN It's taking shape. 21 EXT. SPACE In the middle of the shadows, a door to the nightmare has just opened. Evil is back. A round, moving mass, continually changing color. CAPTAIN (in awe) What the hell can it be? TECHNICIAN Hook-up with the president in one minute, General. General Staedert remains calm. STAEDERT ...Send out a probe. 22 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MANHATTAN LINDBERG, 50, the president of the United Federations, his features lined and worn by various delegations, mainly military, enters his office. There's a crisis in the air. The President's AIDE leans down to his ear. AIDE On air in 30 seconds. In the middle of the group is a Priest whose appearance reminds us of Egypt. A younger man DAVID, 18, shy, a priest-in-training attends the old man. 23 INT. CONTROL ROOM / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE CAPTAIN President on line sir.. General Staedert leans over his screen and seems surprised to see the room but not the president. PRESIDENT (O.S.) Staedert, do you read me? STAEDERT I can hear you, Mr. President, but I can't see you . The President grabs the mini-camera on his desk and yanks it around to face him. His face fills the screen. PRESIDENT (exasperated) Is that better? STAEDERT Perfect, Mr. President. PRESIDENT I have to address the Supreme Council in 10 minutes. Just the facts, General. STAEDERT There are no results from the chemical and molecular analysis as of yet, all the calibers are overshot..we're hoping a thermo nucleatic imaging.. PRESIDENT (exasperated) What you are saying is you don't know what this..thing..is. Consternation reigns in the President's office. STAEDERT Not yet Sir..The only thing we know is it just keeps getting bigger! PRESIDENT Options. STAEDERT Wait or act. PRESIDENT Recommendations. STAEDERT My philosophy Mr. President is shoot first ask questions later. I don't like uninvited guests. PRESIDENT Gentlemen? HEAD CHEMISTS I think it would be foolish to shoot at an organism that seems alive, without first taking the time to study it more! Besides, it has shown no signs of hostility. PRESIDENT (worried) No... it's just getting bigger. HEAD CHEMISTS So do people, but that's no reason to shoot them. PRESIDENT (exasperated) The security of the Federated Territories is and remains number one priority. (to the military) I suppose General Staedert's "philosophy" is acceptable to you? All the Generals nod "yes" PRESIDENT All right, then! Staedert? PRIEST (O.S.) Mr. President? The President scans the room. Staedert remote controls the camera toward the room. PRESIDENT ...Yes? The camera moves up the Priest and we finally discover his face. He is in his sixties, a shrewd look in his eyes. Around his neck hangs the Kommander's finger, the key to the temple. PRIEST Cornelius, Vito Cornelius. 50th level parish. I have a different theory to offer you, Mr. President. PRESIDENT I'm listening. CORNELIUS Imagine for a moment that this. thing is not anything that can be identified because it prefers not to be, because it is the antithesis of all we are. Because it is evil.. TOTAL EVIL. PRESIDENT (a little sarcastically) One more reason to shoot first eh? All the Generals nod in agreement. CORNELIUS Evil begets evil, Mr. President. Shooting would only make it stronger. 24 INT. SPACESHIP TECHNICIAN The probe will attain its objective in five seconds. Staedert moves closer to the ship's window. 25 EXT. SPACE. Evil swallows the probe and immediately bubbles over with activity like a furious volcano. 26 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE STAEDERT Mr. President, we're at crisis point. The President looks puzzled. PRESIDENT Your theory is interesting Father but I don't think we have time to go into it right now! CORNELIUS Time is of no importance, Mr. President. Only life is important. PRESIDENT (exasperated) That's exactly what we are going to try and do: Protect the lives of some 200 billion of our fellow citizens! General? You may fire when ready. 27 INT. SPACESHIP STAEDERT (cold) (to the CAPTAIN) ..Up front loading of a 120 ZZR missile. Marker lights on the objective. 28 EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP All of a sudden, outside the ship, the strange planet's activity ceases. A black crust immediately covers it. 29 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST (consulting new data) Its structure has just solidified on the surface, as if the object felt something. If that's the case, we are undoubtedly dealing with an intelligence. CORNELIUS The most terrible intelligence imaginable, Mr. President. The President hesitates. CAPTAIN ...The ship is in combat formation. The missile is loaded, General. PRESIDENT (uneasy) Staedert? Give me a minute... I have a doubt. STAEDERT (cold) I don't, Mr. President. 30 EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP The missile explodes from the ship and penetrates its target. The explosion is swallowed like a fizzy pill in a small glass of water. Nothing happens. And then the mass grows larger. 31 INT. CONTROL ROOM / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Staedert looks worried. STAEDERT Load a series of 740 missiles. Maximum shield protection. CAPTAIN Yes, Sir. The President is growing ever more worried. PRESIDENT Staedert? What's going on? Did you destroy it? STAEDERT I'm about to, Mr. President. 32 EXT. SPACESHIP A series of three missiles heads for the planet, which absorbs them all. And literally doubles in size. SCIENTIST The planet's diameter has greatly increased and it's moving toward the ship. PRESIDENT Staedert? Get out of there immediately! I don't want an incident, do you hear me, Staedert? STAEDERT (worried) ...What do we have that's bigger than 240? CAPTAIN Nothing, General. PRESIDENT Staedert, get out of there! That's an order! A bead of sweat pearls Staedert's forehead. He is about to give an order when a gigantic flame emerges from the planet and literally swallows Staedert's spaceship. STAEDERT (eyes wide) ... Good God! The flame fills the screen with a horrendous NOISE that.... 33 INT. APARTMENT ... wakes up a man trying to escape from a nightmare. KORBEN DALLAS rubs his head. Thirty five years old, short hair, powerfully built, unquestionable charm, good looking in spite of the scars here and there. The alarm clock is still ringing, it shows the date as March 18, 2359. It in two in the morning. Ha grabs a cigarette, and stops to look for a light. He shuts oft the alarm. He hears a cat mewing in the hall. But it still rings. Korben takes a moment and then realizes it in the phone that is ringing. KORBEN (to the cat) I'm coming. He grabs the phone and crosses his tiny apartment (27 feet long by 6 feet wide) heading for the door, patting himself for a light. Behind him, the bed makes itself automatically. KORBEN (on the phone) Yeah? FINGER (V.O.) Hey bud! Finger here. He opens the door for the cat and starts to rummage through a drawer for a match. Out come a handful of war decorations, a hero's collection. KORBEN (to the cat) Hi sweetie! ...A Medal of Honor Certificate to Major Dallas FINGER (V.O.) I love you too Major, but you haven't called me that since basic training. KORBEN I was talking to the cat. FINGER (V.O.) Oh, yeah, I forgot.You still prefer your cat to the real thing. ...A picture of Korben and his ex-wife on their wedding day. KORBEN At least, the cat comes back. FINGER (V.O.) (ironical) You still pining for that two timing bitch. Forget her. There are a million women out there. KORBEN I don't want a million - I just want one. A perfect one. FINGER (V.O.) Don't exist bud. ...A picture of Korben and Finger in uniform next to a space fighter. KORBEN I just found a picture of you. FINGER (V.O.) How do I look? KORBEN Like shit. Korben finds a box of matches with three matches. He strikes one. It does not light. Korben opens the fridge, bare, except for an empty can of GEMINI croquettes. On the packet is an ad: WIN A DREAM TRIP FOR 2 TO FHLOSTON PARADISE. FINGER (V.O.) Must be an old picture.. Listen, you gotta bring me your hack for the 6 month overhaul. A.S.A.P. Korben heats up some brackish water. KORBEN (sighs) I don't need one. FINGER (V.O.) You forgetting who sat next to you for a thousand missions. I know how you drive. KORBEN Finger! I'm driving a cab now, not a space fighter!! FINGER (V.O.) How many points you got left on your license? KORBEN (lying) Uh... at least fifty. FINGER (V.O.) In your dreams! See you tonight! Finger has hang up. Korben sighs and does the same. He gets the heated brackish water and sits down. The cat pounces on the table and meows for its food. Korben pours half the coffee in the cat's cup. The cat meows. Korben taps his cup to the cat's saucer. KORBEN Cheers! 34 INT. HALL - DAY - OMIT 35 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT 36 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The office is emptied, only a few army officers remain. An ancient manuscript, Billy's drawings, sits in front of the President. Cornelius turns page after page, illustrating his point. CORNELIUS (to the President) We have forty-eight hours, the time it needs to adapt itself to our living conditions. PRESIDENT (worried) And then? CORNELIUS And then it will be too late. The goal of evil is to wipe out life! All forms of life. For all eternity...Life upsets it. The President appears upset himself by this image. PRESIDENT Is there anything that can stop it? CORNELIUS (knowing) Yes..thank God.. 37 EXT. SPACE The Mondoshawan spaceship bursts through a star cluster and fills the screen. 38 INT. COCKPIT - OMIT 39 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The manuscript is open on the President's desk.. CLOSE ON: Billy's rendering of the Mondoshawan. CORNELIUS (to the President) The Mondoshawans don't belong to the Federated Territories, but they are peaceful... in their possession are the four elements of life. These elements when they are gathered around a fifth: The Supreme Being, ultimate warrior, created to protect life...... The SUPREME BEING is standing, as if frozen in armor. All we see is the bottom half of his body. Big metallic gloves hold the case engraved with the emblem of the three suns containing the four Sacred Stones. CORNELIUS ..will produce what the ancients called the light of creation, the light of total goodness which is the only thing that can defeat EVIL. The President points to the spot occupied by the 5th element. PRESIDENT But what happens if instead of this... Ultimate Warrior... it is EVIL who stands here? CORNELIUS White turns to black. Light to Dark. Life to Death. For all eternity. The President's nerves quiver. CAPTAIN Sir, we have a Mondoshawan spaceship at the frontier requesting permission to enter our territory. PRESIDENT I guess I should make a decision.. CORNELIUS They are the only ones who can help.. GENERAL Sir..the Mondoshawan do not belong to the federation. We do not know their intention.. I must recommend a full trinuclear assault.. PRESIDENT (yells) Did you see that..thing..swallow our battleship like a gum drop? You can't even tell me what it is! I ask you for options you give me bullshit. Give them permission to enter our territories with my warmest regards. CORNELIUS (relieved) Thank you, Mr. President. 40 INT. MONDOSHAWANS SPACESHIP - OMIT 41 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - OMIT 42 EXT. SPACE / INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP The MONDOSHAWAN spaceship zips across the Federated Galaxy. But it is not alone: Two black warships seem to be dogging it. 43 INT. MONDOSHAWAN COCKPIT The MONDOSHAWANS have spotted the spacecraft chasing them. FIRST OFFICER Two non-identified ships approaching. CAPTAIN Must be the welcoming committee. 44 INT. WARSHIP COCKPIT A MANGALORE sits at the controls of the warship. His terrifying features tell us what sort of welcome they can expect. The pilot fires without warning. 45 EXT. SPACE / INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP The huge ship is badly hit and immediately swerves oft course. Panic aboard the MONDOSHAWAN ship. 46 INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP CAPTAIN We've been hit! General alert!!! Blast after blast hits the defenseless ship. CAPTAIN We're losing control! We have to land fast! The huge ship veers oft course and heads for a small red planet, taking hit after hit. CAPTAIN Send out a distress signal!!! Activate the emergency landing procedure! The huge ship approaches the planet at blinding speed. FIRST OFFICER Impact in less than ten seconds! The red planet looms ever closer. CAPTAIN Time is of no importance... The ship crashes in a gigantic explosion. 46A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY A thermo nuclear explosion fills a T.V. screen..Which Korben's cat watches with interest. Korben is about to exit the apartment. KORBEN Don't watch it all day, it'll rot your mind. Bye sweetie.. In response, the cat meows. Korben opens the door to..A huge gun, brandished by a nervous MUGGER, pointing right in his face. MUGGER The cash man! KORBEN Been here long? MUGGER Don't fuck with me man or I'll blow you into tomorrow! Unperterbed, Korben looks at the mugger's fearsome weapon. KORBEN Isn't that a Z140? Alleviated titanium. Neuro charged assault model? MUGGER (off balance) Uh.. KORBEN You know you could hurt someone with this puppy..good thing it's not loaded.. The mugger is lost. He looks at his weapon. MUGGER It's not? KORBEN You gotta push the little yellow button... Korben points to the button on the side of the gun. The mugger takes his advice. MUGGER Thanks.. KORBEN You're welcome.. And with lightning speed, Korben blasts the mugger with a straight right hand, sending him down for the count. Korben retrieves the gun. KORBEN ..you know these things are VERY illegal.. you could get in a shit load of trouble.. I better hang onto it for you.. As the mugger clears his head, Korben opens a drawer next to him which is full of similar guns! The mugger's eyes pop out of his head. He scampers to his feet and runs off. Korben shrugs, exits his apartment, and closes the door. The cat watches a nuclear holocaust on T.V., uninterrupted. 46B INT. KORBEN'S GARAGE - DAY Korben enters his taxi. A robotic voice greets him. VOICE Please enter your license.. Korben complies, and starts to push a series of buttons on the dash. VOICE Welcome on board Mr. Dallas.. KORBEN How you doing this morning? Sleep OK? I didn't. Korben hits a button. The garage door starts to open. VOICE Fuel level 6.03..Propulsion 2x4... KORBEN I had the worst goddamn nightmare. VOICE You have nine points left on your license.. KORBEN Thanks for reminding me.. As the garage door lifts, the Megalopolis that is New York City in the 23rd century comes into view. Startling in it's height, and breath. VOICE Have a nice day.. Korben lets the propulsion build. KORBEN Right.. He lets the gear slip. The taxi rockets off into the City. 47 EXT. TAXI STAND - NIGHT - OMIT 48 EXT. RED PLANET-OMIT 49 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Cornelius collapses in a chair. CORNELIUS We are lost! GENERAL MUNRO Mr. President, the attack was launched by two unregistered warships. PRESIDENT Close all borders and declare a state of general alert. GENERAL MUNRO Yes, sir. PRESIDENT (to another OFFICER) Try to contact these Mondoshawans. We owe them an explanation. CORNELIUS (lost, to himself) What are we going to do? PRESIDENT This is government business now. You ought to go home and get some rest, Father. The President motions to his guards to come and get Cornelius. PRESIDENT I promise to keep you informed. A weary Cornelius leaves the room with David's help. PRESIDENT (to the CAPTAIN) ...Has the rescue team found any survivors? 50 EXT. RED PLANET - OMIT 51 EXT. RED PLANET ORBIT - OMIT 52 INT. LABORATORY 1ST DISTRICT MANHATTAN - DAWN An arm, on a surgical cart, moves down the hall of the Nucleological Center, the most sterile of environments. PROFESSOR MACTILBURGH, age 60, hurries alongside GENERAL MUNRO. MUNRO This is all that survived? MACTILBURGH Actually only one cell survived.. MUNRO Have you identified it? MACTILBURGH It's not that easy..we've never encountered anything like it before..you see normal human beings have 40 DNA memo groums..which is more than enough for any species to perpetuate itself..This one has 200,000. MUNRO Talk English Doc. MACTILBURGH This cell is like a huge library. It has infinite genetic knowledge stored inside. Almost like it was...engineered. MUNRO Sounds like a freak of nature to me. MACTILBURGH Yes... I can't wait to meet him. They pass into the lab. 53 INT. LABORATORY The two enter a cylindrical laboratory. There is a huge glass turbine in the middle with the metal glove inside. A DNA chain scrolls on the computer screen. MACTILBURGH (rather fascinated) The compositional elements of his DNA chain are the same as ours, there are simply more of them tightly packed. His knowledge is probably limitless.. MUNRO (worried) Is there any danger? Some kind of virus? MACTILBURGH We put it through the cellular hygiene detector. The cell is for lack of a better word... perfect. Munro hesitates a moment. Then he sighs and uses his personal key to open the self-destruct box. MUNRO OK, go ahead! But Mr. Perfect better be polite... otherwise I turn him into cat food. Mactilburgh starts the operation rolling as Munro puts his hand on the sell-destruct button, ready to use it. Thousands of cells form in the heart of the generator, an assemblage of DNA elements. Then the cells move down a tube, like a fluid, and gather in an imprint of a HUMAN body. Step by step bones are reconstructed, then the nervous and muscular systems. Whole veins wrap around the muscles. An entire body is reconstructing before our very eyes. DOCTOR Three seconds to ultra-violet protection. A shield comes over the reconstructing body and makes it invisible. MACTILBURGH (to Munro) ...This is the crucial phase, The reconstruction of pigment. Cells are bombarded with slightly greasy solar atoms which forces the body cells to react, to protect themselves. That means growing skin. Clever, eh? MUNRO (disgusted) Wonderful! The meter slows, drops to zero. ASSISTANT ... End of reconstruction, beginning of reanimation . A whoosh of air in the glass chamber. Captain Munro has his hand on the self-destruct button, ready to destroy the being that has barely been reborn. MACTILBURGH (pushing a button) Activate life support system. An electrical discharge fills the glass chamber causing the body inside to jerk. After a few moments of silence, the SOUND of a heartbeat fills the room over the loudspeaker. ASSISTANT Life support system activated. The Supreme Being is alive once again. MACTILBURGH Remove the shield. The ASSISTANT automatically removes the ultra-violet shield which slowly reveals... a woman... nude... young... and very beautiful. Munro stands there gaping. Not quite his vision of the Supreme Being. Mactilburgh glances at Munro and gently pushes his hand away from the self-destruct button. MACTILBURGH (with a smile) I told you ... perfect! Munro is hypnotized by the GIRL's beauty. MUNRO ...I'd, uh , like to get a few pictures for the archives before she wakes up. Mactilburgh looks at him with a grin. A remote-control camera approaches the girl's face, a flash goes off. Blinded by the flash, the girl jumps and screams. She cowers in a corner, shaking from the cold, darting eyes everywhere looking for the case she was holding. GIRL (very angry) Ouacra cocha o dayodomo binay ouacra mo cocha ferji akba ligounai makta keratapla. Tokemata tokemata! Seno santonoi-aypa! Minoi ay Cheba! Givomana seno! MUNRO (worried) What's she saying? MACTILBURGH (to his ASSISTANT) Activate the phonic detector. The girl kicks the window repeatedly. MACTILBURGH And give her a light sedative... and something to wear! The ASSISTANT hits a button. A pile of clothes drops out of a trapdoor in the ceiling. She snatches up the clothes angrily and dresses quickly. Munro draws closer to the glass window. He watches her dress with undisguised pleasure. MUNRO (to Mactilburgh) This thing solid? MACTILBURGH (smiling) An elephant couldn't crack it. The Girl finishes dressing. GIRL (angrily) Teno akta chataman assin-omekta! Munro smiles safely behind his plate glass window. MUNRO (with a smile) You're gonna have to learn to communicate better than that angel if you want out. Munro dangles the key on a chain that will let her out. The girl rams her fist right through the window. She grabs the key and yanks it. The chain snaps tight and Munro slams into the window knocking himself out. The girl puts her hand through the window again, unlocks the chamber and steps out. She is still bit wobbly on her legs. Two GUARDS try to grab her. She sends them flying across the room. Mactilburgh is most impressed. He sets off a general alarm. 54 INT. CORRIDOR LABORATORY The girl runs through a maze of corridors looking for a way out. A squad of SECURITY GUARDS appear in front of her and open fire without warning. The girl takes a leap, grabs an air vent, kicks it out and dives into the air shaft. The COPS try and jump up to the vent, but none can reach it. CHIEF Get me a chair or a stepladder The rest of you go through the main ventilation! 55 INT. VENTILATION DUCT LABORATORY The girl moves along unable to see what's ahead of her. She comes to a dead-end, a grill that leads outside. She pushes it out and exits onto the ledge. 56 EXT. LEDGE LABORATORY - DAWN She has exited to a ledge on the 450th floor of a building, right in the middle of Manhattan, which we discover for the first time. The city has become monstrous. Buildings rise 600 stories. Cars fly. Subways run vertically...The girl edges along the narrow ledge, unfazed by the height. The CHIEF leans out the vent, looking out into the void. CHIEF (to his men) Go on follow her! The COPS stare into the gaping void. COP ...No way. The CHIEF angrily pulls out his gun and shoots at the girl who ducks around the corner of the building. Unfortunately the other side in full of cops as well. A flying police car zooms up in front of her, sirens blaring. VOICE (O.S.) This in the police. Your status is illegal. Please put up your hands and follow our instructions! The girl feels trapped. She looks down into the endless 450 below and all the cars flying underneath her. Then she raises her arms... and dives off. 57 INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT COP (in the car.) Christ! She dove off! In a panic, the COP makes a wrong turn. The girl falls for several seconds. She lands on the roof of a flying cab. 58 INT. CAB - NIGHT Korben tries to control his car, reeling from the impact. VOICE (O.S.) You have just had an accident. Seven points have been temporarily removed... Korben manages to stop his cab, pulls over to the side. VOICE / KORBEN You have one point left on your license. Have a good day. Korben sighs and looks in the back seat to see what the damages are. The girl, a bit dazed (who wouldn't be), emerges from the debris and sits up. There's some blood on her face. Korben is stunned. The girl's still alive and... so beautiful. His heart heads for a meltdown. GIRL Akina delutan, nou-shan. KORBEN (lost) ...'Scuse me? A police car with wailing sirens halts in front of Korben. COP (over a loudspeaker) You have an unauthorized passenger in your vehicle. We are going to arrest her. Please leave your hands on the wheel. Thank you for your cooperation. KORBEN (obeying) Sorry, Hon, but I only got one point left on my license and I gotta get to the garage! The police car presses up against the cab. Doors slide open. Huge guns point at her. Korben feels lousy. The girl's helpless, there are tears in her eyes, she looks exhausted. Korben glances at her in the rear view mirror. She's looking all around to find something to help her communicate with him. Her POV: an ad on the back of the seat. An 800 number to help an orphanage. A teary photo of a kid over the words Please Help. She shoots to Korben a look of pure distress. GIRL (irresistible) Please... HELP... Korben can't resist her plea. KORBEN Don't put me in this position... I can't... I'm late as it is... But he cannot say no to her eyes. KORBEN Finger's gonna kill me. Korben shuts oft the meter and floors it, sideswiping the police car as he roars away. VOICE (O.S.) Your license has been revoked. Would you please.... Korben whips out a gun and shatters the loudspeaker. KORBEN I hate when people cry... I got no defense... The police car takes out after him, sirens screeching. An insane chase ensues. 59 INT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY Korben and his flying taxi are absolute masters of the air. The cops have trouble following him but then another cop car comes to join in the fun. Korben drives like a man possessed, nothing can stop him. Except the dead-end he's just come up against. GIRL Daya deo dono Dato. Dalutan! KORBEN It there's one thing I don't need advice on, it's how to drive. Korben turns his cab sideways and scrapes through a narrow passageway, ripping his taxi light from the roof. The police car smashes into the wall. The other one brakes just in time. COP Shit! Attention all-patrol cars! The car makes a U-turn, looking for a wider passageway. 60 EXT. NEW YORK STREET The police car roars up, sirens screaming then slows down and checks out a dead-end flanked by a large vertical neon billboard. The dead-end is empty . Korben's cab is hidden vertically behind the billboard. Seeing nothing, the police drive away. KORBEN We'll wait till things quiet down a bit. You mind? The girl grabs his shirt collar and pulls him close, whispers in his ear. GIRL (weak) ...Priest... KORBEN You're not that bad... Come on we'll get you to a doctor. The girl hands him the handle of the case, struck with the three Egyptian suns. GIRL (weak) Vito... Cor... Ni-lious... Priest... KORBEN Vito Cornelius? The girl nods, then faints. Korben is somewhat lost faced with so much mystery. 61 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY The door opens. Korben is there with the unconscious girl in his arms. KORBEN (embarrassed) Excuse me, I'm looking for a priest. CORNELIUS (tired) Weddings are one floor down. Congratulations. Cornelius closes the door. The doorbell RINGS again. KORBEN She's not my bride, she's my fare. She's looking for this Vito Cornelius. According to the phone guide he lives here. CORNELIUS (curious) That's me. But I don't know who she is... where did you find her? KORBEN She dropped in on me... holding this. Korben hands him the metal handle with the three Egyptian suns, stamped on it. CORNELIUS (staggered) The fifth element. He faints dead away. Korben, with the girl still in his arms looks around helpless. KORBEN (sighing) Finger's gonna kill me... 62 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY In his armchair, Cornelius gets woken by a slap in the face. CORNELIUS (with a start) Who are you? KORBEN I brought the girl remember? CORNELIUS The girl? Cornalius gets up. He looks at the handle. KORBEN Yeah! She dropped in on me. I mean on my taxi... talking... this... this bizarre language... And then it dawns on Cornelius who the girl is. CORNELIUS (eyes riveted on her) He's a she! KORBEN (bemused) You noticed... CORNELIUS (face shining) There's not a moment to lose! Wake her up, but be gentle about it! This woman is mankind's most precious possession! She is... perfect! KORBEN So you do know her. CORNELIUS Uh yes, we're cousins..distant cousins.. Cornelius runs into the next room. Korben looks at the girl, goes to slap her, then changes his mind. Her beauty troubles him. He hesitates, then, gently caresses her cheek. Her skin seems so soft, so fragile. KORBEN Perfect... 63 INT. SMALL ROOM David, is mending a cassock when Cornelius bursts into the room out of breath. CORNELIUS It's a miracle!!! DAVID (worried) What is? CORNELIUS (babbling crazily) I can't wear these clothes! This calls for dignity! I have to dress the part! He opens a closet filled with identical robes and plunges in, disappearing as David looks on, uncomprehending. 64 INT LIVING ROOM. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT Korben gently kisses the girl's cheeks, but she doesn't respond. He looks around then kisses her on the lips. The girl's eyes snap open. When Korben straightens up he discovers his own gun jammed under his chin. GIRL (angry) Eto Akta Gamat! KORBEN (embarrassed) I'm sorry, it's just that... I was told to wake you up gently, so I figured... The girl pauses a moment. She stares at him, looks puzzled. KORBEN You're right, I was wrong! I shouldn't have kissed you... especially since we haven't been introduced and... (he pulls out a business card) Here, it's a bit late, but... my name is Korben, Korben Dallas. Keep it, you never know, maybe... you'll need a cab one day. I'll be happy to open the door this time!. The girl hesitates, then snatches the card like a wild animal. 65 INT. SMALL ROOM Cornelius is lost in the closet. DAVID Father, will you please explain what's going on? CORNELIUS The Supreme Being, the fifth element is here, in our parish!!! It's a miracle!!! 66 INT. LIVING ROOM KORBEN ...What's your name? GIRL (after a moment) Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat. KORBEN (polite) Hey, that's... cute... Do you have a nickname, something a little... shorter? GIRL ...Leeloo. Korben is falling in love. KORBEN That's... really cute... Cornelius bursts into the room. She turns the gun on him. He bows before her. CORNELIUS Appipulai Leeloo Minai.. LEELOO Corn-i-Lius? CORNELIUS (bowing) At your service. LEELOO lowers her guard starts to laugh. An irresistible childish laugh. Korben smiles. DAVID Father. You sure she's the Supreme Being? CORNELIUS Absolutely sure There's the triple suns on her gloves! David bows low, but his eyes glance up at Leeloo. Cornelius begins to lead Korben toward the door, hustling him out. KORBEN They all like this in your family, father? CORNELIUS She's an exception.. CORNELIUS Thank you so much for your help Mr...? KORBEN Dallas. Korben Dallas. Cornelius takes his arm. Leeloo stops laughing when she sees Korben leaving. CORNELIUS Yes. That's fine! Thank you very much. A thousand times over! KORBEN I might call to check up on her, you know... to see if she's better? CORNELIUS She's fine, really..don't you worry.. just needs some rest..she's had a very long trip. KORBEN I know. I was there when she arrived. Cornelius is about to close the door. Korben's hand blocks it. KORBEN Excuse me! Just one thing! She said something to me a while ago and... I don't really get it... Akta Gamat? CORNELIUS It means, "Never without my permission". KORBEN That's what I thought. Cornelius slams the door in his face. KORBEN ...Thanks. 66A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY Korben beads down the hallway. He passes his NEIGHBOR. KORBEN Evening... NEIGHBOR Fuck you! KORBEN ...Thanks... You, too. Korben enters his-apartment. 66B INT.. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY The door slides back and the cat comes rubbing up against him, tail in the air. KORBEN Oh god. I forgot your food ... I'm really sorry! How about a nice Thai nosh to apologize? How does that sound, huh? The cat meows, appeased, just an the phone rings. KORBEN Hello? FINGER (V.O.) Hey bud...I'm waiting all day here. KORBEN Finger..man..I'm sorry..listen..I was on the way over but I had a fare fall into my lap.. y'know one of those big fares you just can't resist.. FINGER (V.O.) (suspicious) So, just how big was this fare? KORBEN 5'7", green eyes... long legs... great skin... perfect.. Korben takes out a cigarette. FINGER (V.O.) Uh huh..and I don't suppose you got the name of this..perfect fare.. KORBEN (dreamy) Leeloo.. 67 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT 68 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo has a towel wrapped around her, it looks like she just took a shower. She sits in front of a computer wolfing down some chicken. Data scrolls by on the screen. David watches from the corner, in awe. DAVID What's she doing? CORNELIUS Learning our history! The last 5000 years that she missed! She's been out of circulation a while, you know. Leeloo breaks into her childish laughter. CORNELIUS What're you laughing about? LEELOO (pronouncing badly) Napoleon... small. She laughs again and tosses some capsules into the microwave. DAVID (hesitant) Uh father, I know she's been through a lot... but the sacred stones..we don't have much time.. CORNELIUS Yes. Of course.. Leeloo takes her plate out of the microwave. A steaming plate heaped with chicken and exotic vegetables. CORNELIUS Leeloo..I'm sorry to interrupt you but.. She sits back down in front of the screen and chomps away heavily on her second chicken. Cornelius sits opposite her. and holds up the case handle. CORNELIUS (serious) The case..with the stones... Where is it? LEELOO San Agamat chay bet... envolet! CORNELIUS The case was stolen? Leeloo nods her head, quite unperturbed and continues to devour the food in front of her. CORNELIUS (shocked) Who in gods name would do such a thing? 69 INT. CORRIDOR. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY CLOSE ON: A pair of feet limping heavily. A MAN comes alongside them. RIGHT ARM Excuse me sir, the council is worried about the economy heating up. They wondered if it would be possible to fire 500... They reach a door at the end of the corridor. Zorg enters a code. ZORG Fire 1000. RIGHT ARM But... 500 is all they need, sir. ZORG turns slowly. A small scar across run across his face, his eye stutters. This is not a man to cross, or contradict. RIGHT ARM 1000! Fine, sir! Sorry to have disturbed you. The door opens... 70 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY ... and David enters carrying a bundle of clothes. CORNELIUS There was this guy with a limp who came a month ago..said he was an art dealer ... Asking all these questions about the Sacred Stones..at the time I didn't think anything of it.. What was his name? I'm so bad with names... DAVID (to Leeloo, timid) I didn't know your size. Leeloo is happy. She pulls off the towel and stands there nude. Cornelius and David turn away. DAVID They really made her... CORNELIUS Perfect. Leeloo finishes dressing. She is delighted. LEELOO (to David) Domo danko! David smiles, dumb with admiration. Cornelius comes over. CORNELIUS Leeloo? The Stones... We must get them back. Leeloo settles down, sits at the computer and turns it on. LEELOO Ikset-kiba. Me imanetaba oum dalat! CORNELIUS You know exactly where they are! 71 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY A group of handsome WARRIORS approaches. AKNOT, their leader has the sacred case in his hands. The metal handle is missing but the second metal glove is still grasping the case. ZORG (pretending to be worried) Aknot? Is that you? The LEADER nods. A disgusted look stamps Zorg's features. ZORG ...What an ugly face! Doesn't suit you at all! Take it off... AKNOT's face burns away revealing the head of a monstrous MANGALORE. ZORG That's better! Never be ashamed of who you are... You're warriors... be proud... AKNOT says nothing, but if his eyes could talk! ZORG So what if the Federal Army crushed your entire race and scattered your people to the wind... Your time for revenge is at hand... Voila... the ZF1. He takes out a weapon from one a crate and goes into a sales pitch. ZORG (very fast) ...It's light... the handle's adjustable for easy carrying... good for righties and lefties. Meanwhile, two MEN set up a mannequin rigged with various defense mechanisms at the far end of the warehouse. ZORG ... Breaks down into four parts, undetectable by X-rays.. It's the ideal weapon for quick, discreet interventions. A word on fire power: Titanium recharger. 3000 round clip with bursts of 3 to 300. With the replay button, another Zorg innovation, it's even easier... one shot. He fires at the mannequin. ZORG ... and replay sends every following shot to the same location... Zorg spins around, the rounds all hit the mannequin. ZORG (even faster) I recharge, but the enemy has launched a cowardly sneak attack from behind, the automirror takes care of that. Gives me the time to turn around and finish the job. 300 round bursts, then there are the Zorg oldies... He fires off each item he names. ZORG ...Rocket launcher. The always efficient flame thrower... My favorite. Our famous net launcher, the arrow launcher, with exploding or poisonous gas heads - very practical. And for the grand finale, the all-new ice-cube system! The mannequin has been blasted into a pile of ashes covered by a net,. stuck with arrows, the whole mess frozen solid. He tosses the weapon into AKNOT's hands. ZORG ...Four full crates, delivered right on time! What about you, my dear Aknot, did you bring me what I asked you for? AKNOT sets the case on a crate. Zorg gloats while stroking the case. ZORG ...Magnificent. Zorg smiles, takes a deep breath, opens the case. It's empty 72 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo breaks into her childish laughter once again. CORNELIUS (astonished) What do you mean empty? 73 INT. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY AKNOT looks into the case. Things grow tense. ZORG Alright..I've got an open mind here.. anyone care to explain? 74 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo explains what happened in her language. CORNELIUS (translating) She says that the Guardians never really had much faith in humans. They were afraid of being attacked. The stones were given to someone they could trust who took another route. She's supposed to contact this person in a little less than twelve hours from now in a hotel. She's looking for the address! A map of the stars flashes onto the screen, Leeloo points. LEELOO Dot! The little group comes over to look. DAVID Planet Fhloston, in the Angel constellation Cornelius plops down into his armchair. CORNELIUS ...We're saved! 75 INT. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY ZORG I'm fucked! Zorg calmly closes the case and gives Aknot a blood-chilling stare. AKNOT You asked for a case. We brought you a case. ZORG (shouting) A case with four stones in it. Not one! Not two or three! But four!!! Four stones!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do with an EMPTY case?!! AKNOT's men grow edgy. AKNOT (tense) ...We are warriors, not merchants! ZORG (humored) But you can still count. Look... my fingers. He holds up four fingers. ZORG ...Four stones, four crates... Zero stones... (yelling) ZERO CRATES!!! (to his men) Put everything back, we're outta here. AKNOT's warriors turn their weapons on Zorg. AKNOT (icily) We risked our lives. I believe a little compensation is in order. ZORG (smiling) So, you are a merchant, after all. (to his men) Leave them one crate. For the cause! Zorg's men leave a crate and exit with the other three. 76 EXT. OUTSIDE ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY Zorg walks along the street to his limo. RIGHT ARM carries the empty case. ZORG I don't like warriors! They're too narrow-minded, no sublety. Worse, they fight for hopeless causes..for honor! Honor has killed millions of people but hasn't saved a single one. (pause) You know what -- do I like though, I like killer. A real dyed in the wool killer. Cold-blooded. Clean. Methodical. Thorough. A killer, when he picked up the ZF1, would've immediately asked about the little red button on the bottom of the gun. 77 INT. HALLWAY ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY The warriors have all taken a weapon. One of them inspects his ZF1. He turns it over and notices the little red button. He presses it. 78 EXT. OUTSIDE ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY Behind Zorg, an ear-shattering explosion levels the warehouse. ZORG (impassive) Bring the priest. 79 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT 79A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY Korben is finishing a Thai meal, cooked by a Thai on his mini restaurant anchored at the window. The cat eats next to Korben, contented. KORBEN So you forgive me? The cat meows just as a red light blinks, announcing the arrival of a message in a glass tube. Korben ignores it. THAI Not going to open? KORBEN I've never gotten a message that wasn't bad news. THAI How someone strong like you scared from a message? Is good news I sure! KORBEN The last two messages I got? The first one was from my wife telling me she was leaving! And the second was from my lawyer telling me he was leaving too... with my wife. THAI You right that is bad.. but mathematically luck must change! Grandfather say: "It never rain every day." This is good news guarantee.. I bet you lunch! Korben hesitates, then gives the envelope to the Thai, who opens it with a big smile that fades as reads the contents aloud. THAI ...You're fired. Oh! Korben smiles at him. KORBEN At least I won lunch. THAI Good philosophy..see good in bad.. I like..I prepare number one dessert.. special for you and pussy.. The cat meows. 79B INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo is polishing of' an immense pile of dessert as David bangs away at the computer. DAVID I got it! Everything here we need to know about Fhloston Paradise Hotel... and a detailed blueprint of the entire hotel! CORNELIUS Good work, my son. Now all we need is a way to get there. The doorbell rings. CORNELIUS I'll get it. Finish your work my son. Cornelius opens to Right Arm with armed escort. RIGHT ARM Father Cornelius? CORNELIUS My son? RIGHT ARM Mr. Zorg would like a word with you. CORNELIUS Mr. Who? 80 EXT. MANHATTAN - OMIT 81 INT. HALLWAY CORNELIUS APARTMENT - OMIT 82 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT 83 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Zorg turns to Cornelius. ZORG Zorg. Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg... nice to see you again CORNELIUS I remember you now..the so called art dealer. ZORG I'm glad you got your memory back, Father... Because you're going to need it... Where are the stones? CORNELIUS ...Why on earth do the stones interest you? ZORG Personally, they are of no interest to me, I'd rather sell weapons..but I have a customer... so tell me... CORNELIUS Even it I did know where the stones were I would never tell somebody like you. ZORG Why? What's wrong with me? CORNELIUS ...I'm a priest! I'm here to serve life, All you want to do is destroy it. ZORG Ah, Father... You are so wrong. Let me explain... Zorg leads Cornelius into his inner office. ZORG ...would you like a drink? CORNELIUS No thank you. ZORG Follow me.. Life, which you so nobly serve, comes from destruction. Look at this empty glass. Zorg pushes the glass with his finger. ZORG Here it is... peaceful... serene... but if it is... Zorg pushes the glass off the table. It shatters on the floor. ZORG Destroyed... Small individual robots, both free-wheeling and integrated, come zipping out to clean up the mess. ZORG ...Look at all these little things... so busy all of a sudden. Notice how each one is useful. What a lovely ballet, so full of form and color. So full of..life! CORNELIUS They are robots! A SERVANT comes in pours water in another glass. Zorg tosses a cherry into it. ZORG Yes but... by that simple gesture of destruction. I gave work to at least fifty people today. The engineers, the technicians, the mechanics. Fifty people who will be able to feed their children so they can grow up big and strong. Children who will have children of their own, adding to the great cycle of life! Cornelius sits in silence. ZORG Father, by creating a little destruction, I am, in fact, encouraging life! So, in reality, you and I are in the same business! CORNELIUS Destroying a glass is one thing..killing people with the weapons you produce is quite another. ZORG Let me reassure you Father..I will never kill more people in my entire life than religion has killed in the last 2000 years. Zorg smiles, holds up the glass and takes a drink. Unfortunately, he chokes on the cherry. Unable to breathe, Zorg starts to panic. CORNELIUS (mocking) Where's the robot to pat your back? Zorg falls, writhing, on his desk, inadvertently hitting buttons which trigger a slew of little mechanisms. They pop out all over the desk. True chaos reigns. Even a cage appears, holding a Souliman Aktapan, a fat multicolored beastie, PICASSO, who seems surprised to be out in daylight. He licks his half-dead master in thanks. Cornelius gets up and walks around the desk. Zorg motions for help. CORNELIUS Can I give you a hand? Cornelius whacks him on the back. The cherry comes flying out. Zorg regains control of himself. GUARDS come running in. ZORG You saved my life... So, I'm going to spare yours. (to the GUARDS) Throw him out! The GUARDS throw Cornelius out. CORNELIUS You are a monster, Zorg! ZORG (complimented) I know... The GUARDS drag Cornelius out of the office. ZORG ...Torture whoever you want, the president if you have to but I want those Stones. You have an hour. Right Arm salutes and hurries out of the office. 84 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - OMIT 85 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - OMIT 86 INT./EXT. STREET / TAXI - OMIT 87 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT 88 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - DAY - OMIT 89 INT. HALLWAY - OMIT 90 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT 91 INT. TAXI - OMIT 92 INT. ROOM - DAY - OMIT 93 INT. TAXI - OMIT 94 INT. ROOM - DAY - OMIT 95 INT. TAXI - OMIT 96 INT. SHAFT - OMIT 97 INT. GARAGE - OMIT 98 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - OMIT 99 INT. GARAGE - OMIT 100 INT. LOCKER ROOM GARAGE - OMIT 101 INT. GARAGE - OMIT 102 INT. LOCKER ROOM GARAGE - OMIT 103 INT. KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY - OMIT 104 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - OMIT 105 EXT. / INT. SPACE / SPACESHIP ...The dark planet. Three warships are positioned in front of it. Communication satellites arrive from all over the place, drawn to it like a magnet. CAPTAIN (observing) It's gobbling up all the communication satellites in the galaxy! 106 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg appears even more crushed by recent events. PRESIDENT Why the hell is it eating up all those satellites like that? HEAD SCIENTIST (desperate) ...We're working on it, Mr. President. We're working on it. PRESIDENT It should only choke on them. MUNRO enters the office just as a cockroach crawls onto the desk. There's a small antenna on its back. 107 INT. SMALL ROOM Zorg's Right Arm wears earphones, monitoring the President's conversation with the cockroach-spy. 108 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE / SMALL ROOM MUNRO I managed to contact the Mondoshawan. They deplore the incident, but accept our apologies. PRESIDENT (relieved) And the Stones? Did you find them in the wreckage? MUNRO The-Stones weren't aboard the ship. PRESIDENT (surprised) ...What do you mean? The President is all ears. So is Zorg's Right Arm. MUNRO The Mondoshawan never fully trusted the human race..they felt we're too unpredictable.. so they gave up the Stones to somebody they do trust. Her name is Plavalaguna. She's a Diva and she's going to sing at the charity ball on Fhloston Paradise in a few hours. She has the Stones with her. The President breathes easier. Zorg's Right Arm is delighted. PRESIDENT (taking off a shoe) Excellent! The President crushes the cockroach with his shoe. Right Arm's earphones fly off his head. Good-bye eardrums. 109 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT I want your best man on this! MUNRO Don't worry, Sir. I have the perfect one. 110 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY C.U. The most disgusting dessert ever made. Korben looks at it shimmying on a plate as the Thai serves it to him proudly. THAI Stewed jellyfish cake.. my speciality.. Korben forces a weak, polite smile as the Thai looks on expectantly. The phone rings. KORBEN Saved by the bell. Korben rises to get his cigarettes, and answer the phone. KORBEN ...Hello? MOTHER (V.O.) You're the nastiest dirtbag I know in this stinking City! KORBEN (resigned) Hi Ma... MOTHER (V.O.) I've been playing twice a week for 20 years, 20 years I've been eating those shitty croquettes. Korben goes to light his cigarette. There are only two matches left in the match box. Korben strikes one and it fizzles. MOTHER (V.O.) You wouldn't even eat one to help your poor mother, and you win the big prize? Know something? The whole thing makes me sick! The Thai starts to clean up. Just as Korben goes to strike the second match.. MOTHER (V.O.) Are you listening to me, you ingrate! KORBEN (resigned) Yes ma.. Korben sighs and puts the match back in the box. Korben enters his code on the keypad the Thai is holding. KORBEN (to the Thai) Go on... This is gonna take a while! The Thai casts oft. Korben closes the window. KORBEN Other than that... You all right? MOTHER (V.O.) ...And now you're making fun of me? I'm warning you! If you don't take me after all these years of sacrifice, I'll never forgive you!! The Thai flies off. In the hall, the cat meows-for more food. KORBEN (to the cat) I'm coming!. Ma, what're you talking about? MOTHER (V.O.) I get it! You want to make me beg, is that it? KORBEN All I want is an explanation! I just got in, I lost my job. I smashed my cab. I got mugged, but other than that everything's peachy, Ma, thanks for asking!! Now settle down and explain to me calmly.. A message drops in his tube. The red light goes on. MOTHER (V.O.) You just won a trip, you dolt! Ten days in Fhloston Paradise for two! KORBEN Ma. If I'd won, I'd know about it. Someone would have notified me. MOTHER (V.O.) They've been blaring out your name on the radio for the last hour, blockhead! He eyeballs the message still in the tube. The doorbell rings.- KORBEN Ma.. it's the door. I'll call you back. Korben hangs up before his mother can say anything and heads for the door. Before he gets there it opens, General Munro enters followed by a Captain and a Major. MAJOR ICEBORG is a woman. All she needs to become a man is a mustache. Munro opens a file. MUNRO (clipped) Major Dallas, if our calculations are correct you still have 57 hours owed to the Federal Army on your enlistment which is more than you will need for a mission of the utmost importance. KORBEN What mission? MUNRO To save the world. KORBEN Where have I heard this song before? MUNRO You're to leave immediately for Fhloston Paradise. Retrieve four Stones from the Diva Plavalaguna. And bring them back with the utmost discretion as possible. Any questions'? KORBEN (a little bewildered) Just one... why me? MUNRO Three reasons... One: As part of The Elite Special Forces Unit of the Federated Army you are an expert in the use of all weapons and spacecraft needed for this mission. Munro pulls out a long list of documents. MUNRO Two: Of all the members of your unit you were the most highly decorated. KORBEN And the third one? MUNRO You're the only one left alive... Munro removes the message Korben hasn't bothered to look at. MUNRO Don't you open your messages? KORBEN I've had enough good news for today MUNRO (by rote) You have won the annual Gemini contest and a trip to Fhloston Paradise. For two. Congratulations. Here are your tickets. He hands Korben the tickets. Korben gets it. KORBEN You rigged the contest? Munro nods. MUNRO Major Iceborg will accompany you... as your wife... The idea of taking a trip with Iceborg makes him sick. KORBEN (sarcastic) You couldn't come up with something a little more discreet? MUNRO Old tricks are the best tricks eh? KORBEN I'm not going. MUNRO Why not? KORBEN One reason... I want to stay the only one left alive. 110A INT. KORBEN'S HALL Leeloo and Cornelius search for Korben's apartment. Leeloo carries the card Korben gave her. Cornelius finds the apartment, and yanks the. number off the door. He waves Leeloo over as his hand goes to the bell. 110B INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT The doorbell rings. KORBEN ...Scuse me. Korben goes to the door and looks out the peephole: the beautiful Leeloo. Korben panics, overcome with happiness. KORBEN ...Shit! MUNRO (worried) What is it? Korben has two seconds to make up something to get rid of Munro. KORBEN It's my wife. MUNRO I thought you were divorced. KORBEN I mean my future.. my ex.. My future ex.. if she sees you here I'm finished. She hates you guys. It's what killed us in the first place. Please... He puts them in the fridge, shoving the jellyfish cake in Iceborg's hands. KORBEN ...Sorry, General, but we've got no choice! It'll only take a minute! Let me set up another meeting and I'll be back. MUNRO Three of us will never fit in there! KORBEN (pushing him) Oh, yes you will... Korben slams the fridge door. The doorbell RINGS again. KORBEN ...Coming! He whips through his place in ten seconds, gathers up things laying about, shuts drawers, rolls up his laundry in the folding bed. He brushes his hair back and opens the door with a big smile only to discover a gun stuck between his eyes held by Cornelius. LEELOO Apipoulai! KORBEN I suppose that means "Hi" ? CORNELIUS I'm sorry to have to resort to such methods, but we heard about your good luck on he radio and we need the tickets to Fhloston. KORBEN Is that the usual way priests go on vacation? CORNELIUS We're not going on vacation..we're on a mission.. KORBEN What kind of mission? CORNELIUS (sincere) We have to save the world. KORBEN (skeptical) Good luck.. CORNELIUS Of course. KORBEN Father, I was in the Army for awhile and every time they told us we were on a mission to save the world the only thing that changed was I lost a lot of friends. So thanks for the offer.. but no thanks. Cornelius is disappointed. Leeloo looks crestfallen. KORBEN I'm sorry.. VOICE This is a police control action.. Everyone freezes as the whole building resounds with the electronic voice. 111 INT. LANDING KORBEN'S BUILDING A group of POLICEMEN bursts into the hallway. One of the cops enters a code on the police wall box. A device descends from the ceiling, a flashing light-siren, a VOICE fills the air. VOICE This is not an exercise. This is a police control. Cornelius starts to panic. Korben takes charge. CORNELIUS Oh my god oh my god.. Korben pushes a button sending the fridge to the next floor. A shower takes it's place. KORBEN Leeloo, hide in here and don't move! Leeloo hops in. Korben tosses Cornelius on the bed. CORNELIUS What are you doing? KORBEN Trying to save your ass so you can save the world. ..and hits a button on the wall. The bed disappears into the wall. Korben grabs his tickets and slides them in his belt. 112 INT. LANDING KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY Meanwhile, the automatic police voice continues. VOICE ...Spread your legs and place your hands in the yellow circles, please. A COP slaps a viewer device on Korben's door which makes part of it transparent. COP 1 Put your hands in the yellow circles, please. Korben takes his time hiding his face. The Cop looks at his sheet. He's looking for a... KORBEN DALLAS. He has his picture, but it is Korben with long hair and beard. COP 1 (to COP 2) Sir? Are you a human? KORBEN No, I'm a meat popsicle. COP 3 (at the other end of the hall) I found him! C.U. Korben's calling card is clumsily stuck to the door of the neighbor's apartment. COP 3 slaps the viewer on the nasty neighbor's door. The neighbor is at his sink shaving instead of against the wall, COP 1 arrives with Korben's picture. COP 1 Sir, this is a control. Please put your hands in the yellow circles. The neighbor steps right up to the viewer, shaving cream on his face. He could pass for Korben. NEIGHBOR Fuck you!! 113 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT Korben still has his hands to the wall. KORBEN Wrong answer. SHOT O.S. EXPLOSION. Scuffle. 114 INT. HALL The riot police hustle down the hall dragging the neighbor behind them in a canvas bag. A cop is on the wall phone. COP OK, we got the guy under wraps. 115 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Right Arm is on the phone, facing Zorg. COP (O.S.) It was not easy, but we bagged him!. Thanks for the tip! RIGHT ARM (smiling) Glad to help. He hangs up. RIGHT ARM They just arrested the guy for Uranium smuggling. Everything's going as planned. He shows him a plane ticket, and a passport with his picture and Korben's name. RIGHT ARM All I have to do now is to go to the airport and take his place. I should be in Fhloston in less than four hours. Zorg sits there quietly for a moment. ZORG Don't come back without the Stones. 116 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT Korben opens the shower door. Leeloo is soaking wet, her teeth chattering from the cold. KORBEN I'm really sorry.. there wasn't time. His eyes fall on an old blanket. KORBEN Here let me wrap you up. Korben wraps her in an blanket and vigoroualy rubs her back. Leeloo warms gradually and snuggles closer to that warm comfortable shoulder. Korben's rubbing slows, looking more like caresses. KORBEN ..It's funny. I've met you twice today and you've ended up in my arms both times. Leeloo suddenly realizes that she has maybe gone a bit too far. She recovers, looking embarrassed too. LEELOO (nicely) Valo massa... Chacha hamas. KORBEN Uh..you're welcome. The intimacy makes him nervous. He looks for a diversion. KORBEN Coffee! That's what you need! A nice, hot cup of coffee! He pushes a button on the coffee machine. KORBEN With some honey! You'll see, honey's great!... Korben rummages through the drawer. Leeloo, innocent, doesn't seem to quite understand everything that is going on. KORBEN A hot cup of coffee... with honey... He rummages through the cupboard, exceedingly nervous. Leeloo smiles and begins to look around. She opens a drawer and comes upon.. KORBEN (nervously) I've got this great honey somewhere. You know about honey? There used to be these little animals who made it with antenna... ..pictures of Major Korben Dallas War Hero. KORBEN ..and these other animals who ate it.. one were bees the other were bears.. She looks back to the man fumbling for honey. KORBEN I forget which ate it and which made it but.. And she smiles. KORBEN Here it is! Korben holds up the jar of honey. KORBEN Taste this... Leeloo innocently sticks his finger in the jar then puts it in her mouth. KORBEN It... melts in your mouth, doesn't it? She savors the honey, slowly; sensually. Her lips shine with honey. Her eyes narrow with pleasure. Korben is hypnotized by her lips, like a moth attracted to a flame. He begins to lose control, which makes him nervous. An indistinct sound comes from the wall. But Korben is so entranced with the sight of Leeloo licking her honied fingers, he doesn't hear it until it becomes quite a racket. KORBEN You hear that? LEELOO (licking) Cornelius.. KORBEN Oh god! Korben pushes the button on the wall. The bed pops out, fully made, with Cornelius tucked in it, struggling to get out. KORBEN I'm really sorry.. let me help you.. Korben begins to pull at the covers when.. LEELOO Achta ge lumitai de matala.. Korben turns.. KORBEN What? He turns to Leeloo struggling out of her wet clothes. His breath is taken away by the sight of her perfect body. Cornelius whacks him heavily on the head with a lamp. Korben drops to the floor. LEELOO (displeased) Vano da, mechteba?! Soun domo kala chon hammas! CORNELIUS No, I'm not proud of myself... But we don't have the luxury of choice. 117 INT. ENTRANCE KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY The POLICE exit the elevator and head for the front door. A cop suddenly takes a hit from a silencer, then a second. Others are bashed on the head by MANGALORE warriors. One of them picks up the prisoner bag, takes it into a small shed. 118 INT. SHED Aknot, the Mangalore leader, is seriously wounded and can't walk. AKANIT Korben Dallas! We got him. AKNOT Perfect... Take command, Akanit. Go to Fhloston and get the Stones... If Zorg really wants them... He'll have to negotiate. Revenge is at hand. 119 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY Korben gets unsteadily to his feet, some blood drips down his face. He daubs at it. KORBEN Jesus!... Some priest! The phone rings, he manages to answer. KORBEN Yeah? MOTHER (V.O) Have you pulled yourself together? KORBEN ...Not yet. He hangs up. Korben opens the fridge door. The three officers are frozen solid. Korben grabs some ice, presses it to his forehead. KORBEN I'll take the mission. He closes the door. 120 INT. AIRPORT HALL - DAY Cornelius and Leeloo (still damp) arrive at the Manhattan Intergalactic Airport. A huge hall three quarters filled with trash piled up to the ceiling. There are groups of extra-terrestrials on strike standing in trash holding picket signs. A SECURITY GUARD picks up a phone off the wall. SECURITY GUARD Illegal gathering in Zone 4. A hand taps Leeloo from behind. She whips around catching David in the face. CORNELIUS Leeloo, be careful. He turns to David who in holding his bloody nose. CORNELIUS Did you get them? David hands Cornelius two passports. CORNELIUS Excellent... Leeloo Dallas. He hands it to her. The name makes her smile. CORNELIUS And Korben David Dallas. She frowns. LEELOO Akta dedero ansila do mektet. CORNELIUS I can't pretend to be your husband... David's in great shape. She looks at David holding his bloody nose. CORNELIUS He'll protect you. Go on... See the Diva... get the Stones... See you at the temple... God be with you. ANGLE ON: Korben comes rushing into the airport. Walking quickly, he scopes the hall looking for Leeloo. A POLICE PATROL bearing down on the STRIKERS jostles him. The cops open fire. The strikers dive into the garbage and disappear. 121 INT. BOARDING GATE David nervously puts tickets and IDs on the check-in counter. Leeloo tosses her suitcase on the conveyor belt. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT Congratulations on winning the contest. David gives her a bleak smile. Leeloo rolls her eyes. Back a ways, Korben has spotted Leeloo and... David. He heads right for them. Leeloo's seen him. She is both delighted and panicked. David's seen nothing. Korben presses one of his fingers like a gun to David's back. KORBEN (friendly) Hey! I really thought I was going to miss my flight! (to David) Thanks, kid! You put the luggage on the conveyor belt? DAVID (freaking) Uh... yeah. KORBEN (smiling) Great! Now beat it! Paralyzed, David leaves. Korben turns to the attendant. KORBEN Excuse me. I was so afraid I'd miss the flight that I sent the kid here to pick up my boarding card. He looks at David's fake ID. KORBEN ...My cousin David... Leeloo is unable to hold back a smile. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (looking at Leeloo's ID) Your wife? Korben grabs the ID and reads it. KORBEN Uh, yes... Newlyweds. (aside) You know how it is... Love at first sight. You meet, something goes tilt,. you get married, you hardly know each other. Right, darling? Leeloo rips her boarding card out of the attendant's hand. LEELOO (sharply) Dinoine chagantakat! KORBEN Took the words right out of my mouth. Go on... I'll be right with you. (to Check-in Attendant) It's our honeymoon. We're going to use the trip to get to know each other better. He winks at the stewardess. ANGLE ON: The neighbor and a tawdry young girl cross the airport. The couple in almost knocked over by a police patrol holding a 500 pound PIG on a stainless steel leash. The couple panics a moment, the realize the patrol isn't for them. The pig heads for the pile where the strikers disappeared. COP (to pig) Come on, snyffer, go root! The pig piles into the garbage. The Cop cuts it some slack. Cornelius sits at a bar. CORNELIUS (to the bartender) I feel so guilty sending her to do the dirty work. I know she was made to be strong but she's also so fragile... So human. You know what I mean? The bartender, a robot, nods his head as he pours Cornelius a drink. ANGLE ON: The nasty neighbor and his wife hand their tickets to the check-in attendant. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (surprised) Dallas... Korben... NEIGHBOR (in a different voice) Yes, that's me. The check-in attendant triggers a transparent blue light that shines on their faces, revealing two other faces: Mangalores. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (smiling) Just a minute, please. She hits a silent alarm, but the Mangalores feel something is wrong. NEIGHBOR We'll be right back ... we're gonna check out the duty free... They spin around and hurry away. ANGLE ON: Cornelius at the bar, half in the bag. ROBOT The same? CORNELIUS Yeah... DAVID (V.O.) Make that two... Cornelius turns to David. CORNELIUS Where's Leeloo? DAVID On the plane... with Mr. Dallas... the real one. CORNELIUS It's all my fault. I'm the servant... It's my mission! Here! He hands David the Temple Key from around his neck. CORNELIUS Here's the key to the Temple.. Prepare for our arrival! Cornelius tosses David's drink into his own, downs it all in one shot, and takes off, passing the Mangalore couple headed for the exit. They are very nervous. A police patrol is coming. This time, it seems to be for them. NEIGHBOR (to the tawdry girl) Tell Aknot plan A flopped. Tell him to go to plan B. The tawdry girl nods and peels off. The neighbor takes out a gun and blasts away at the cops. The cops fire back. A firefight rages in the hall. The tawdry girl dives into a pile of garbage and disappears. COP (into walkie-talkie) ...Send in a back-up unit, Zone 7! ANGLE ON: On one side of the hall, a trap door opens. Three pigs come running out, grabbed by their police handler. Cornelius waits until everyone has left, gets down on all fours and crawls through the trapdoor reserved for the pigs. 122 INT. FIRST CLASS LOUNGE Leeloo stands at the buffet in the first class lounge eating everything in sight. 123 INT. HALL Korben is led down the hall by a STEWARDESS. STEWARDESS You are so lucky... Loc Rhod is the coolest DJ in the universe. KORBEN Listen... I don't want to be interviewed. I'd prefer to remain anonymous. The stewardess stops in the corridor. STEWARDESS Forget anonymous. You'll be doing Loc Rhod's live show every day from 5 to 7! KORBEN (expression changes) You gotta be kidding! The stewardess smiles and shakes her head. The door next to him suddenly swings open and smashes him in the face. In walks LOC RHOD amidst a tornado of music and security guards. He is young, good-looking, eccentric, charming as an elf or sly as a fox. A bundle of energy. He is the 24th century's most popular DJ. LOC RHOD (speedy, in rhythm) Korben Dallas! Here he is The most hated man in the universe. The one and only winner of the Gemini Croquette contest! Ladies, start melting 'cause the boy's hot! Hot! Hot! The boy is perfect.. (he feels his muscles) ...The right size, right build, right hair. Right on! Say something-to those 50 billion pair of ears out there D-man! An ASSISTANT hands a totally lost Korben a mike. KORBEN (hesitant) ...Hi. LOC RHOD Does it get any better or what! Loc Rhod grabs Korben's arm and leads him down the hallway, as fast as the music. LOC RHOD ...Quiver ladies, he's gonna set the world on fire right here from 5 to 7! You'll know everything there is to know about the D-man. His dreams, his desires, his most intimate of intimates. And from what I'm looking at intimate is the stud muffin's middle name. So tell me my main man... you nervous in the service? KORBEN Uh... not really. Loc Rhod lets go of Korben's arm and grabs the Stewardess. LOC RHOD Freeze those knees, my chickadees, 'cause Korben is on the case with a major face... Loc Rhod rubs up against the stewardess. LOC RHOD ...Start drooling, ladies! My man here is a sharp-tongued Sire who's gonna stroke your every desire. They come to an intersection. The airline company has prepared drinks for them. Loc Rhod pushes on, grabs a glass of champagne, scribbles his autograph. LOC RHOD Yesterday's unknown will be tomorrow's Prince of Fhloston Paradise, the hotel of a thousand and one follies, home of luxury and beauty. A magic fountain flowing with non-stop wine, women and Bootchie Koochie Koo... He tosses away his champagne glass. LOC RHOD Beware out there puppy dogs my man is on the prowl. Owwww! Howling, Loc Rhod grabs another stewardess by the arm. LOC RHOD ...And start licking your stamps little girls, this guy's gonna have you writing home to Momma! Tomorrow from 5 to 7, I'll be your voice, your tongue and I'll be hot on the tail of the sexiest man of the year... D-man... Your man... My man. The stewardess shivers. A BEEP is heard. VOCODER (O.S.) End of transmission. The MUSIC suddenly stops. Several assistants come and compliment Loc Rhod who sighs, lights up a cigarette, and drops his pretense. LOC RHOD Korben sweetheart do me a favor I know this is probably the biggest thing that ever happened to you in your inconsequential life. But I've got a show to do here and it's got to pop. So tomorrow, when we're on air, give me a hand... Try to make believe you have more than a one word vocabulary. OK pal? That does it. Korben grabs him by the collar and drags him into a corner. Loc Rhod's feet don't touch the ground. KORBEN (pissed) I didn't come here to play Dumbo on the radio. So tomorrow between 5 and 7 give yourself a hand, that clear pal? LOC RHOD (petrified) Crystal. 124 INT. AIRPORT The Check-in attendant has two more tickets in her hand. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (alter a moment, reading) ...Mr. Dallas... Korben Dallas? Zorg's Right Arm gives her a big smile. RIGHT ARM That's right. The attendant scans the ID with a yellow beam, it checks out, and the blue light reveals no other face but his. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT The problem is I only have one Korben Dallas on my list... and he's already checked in. Right Arm's smile shatters. RIGHT ARM That's impossible! He's in j... I mean, there must be some mistake. I have my ticket! I'm the real Korben Dallas! A shrill BELL rings out. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (smiling) I'm sorry, sir, boarding is finished. The attendant hits a button. A thick window slowly slides up between them. Right Arm totally loses it. RIGHT ARM I want to see your boss! Get rid of this fucking window! Somebody's made a mistake, goddamnit! He pounds on the counter with both fists. A steel curtain comes down. Red sighting beams target spots on his body, ten gun barrels protrude from the wall, all aimed at him. VOICE (O.S.) This is not an exercise. This is a police control. Put your hands in the nearest yellow circles... RIGHT ARM (slowing down) Sorry, my fault... Just a little overexcited... that's all... I'm calm now. 125 INT. SHUTTLE - DAY Korben makes his way in the plane looking for his seat. No more seats in modern planes, just individual travel boxes lined up like microwaves. He passes STEWARD holding his bloodied nose. He has found what he is looking for. He enters to.... Leeloo quietly stretched out in front of a computer screen. Korben slips in beside her. Leeloo in concentrating on the words that scroll rapidly past her on the screen. He doesn't understand what she is doing. LEELOO Apipoulai! KORBEN Not hard to find you...just follow the Chaos... Leeloo smiles, as if complimented. KORBEN Leeloo, listen to me... these tickets... they're not mine... I mean they are, but not for vacation like everyone thinks... I'm on an operation... and if I didn't come get you, you'd be in a shitload of trouble... I'd love to be on vacation with you... but now.... now I've got to work... And Leeloo... I would love to work in peace. Leeloo types in "LOVE" on the keyboard. LEELOO Love... KORBEN Yes! But "love" isn't the operative word here, PEACE is! Leeloo types in this new word. LEELOO (rather pleased) Peace... and love... She brings up a picture of a 60's style Hippie flashing a peace sign. Korben sighs and switches off the screen. KORBEN Sometimes you can't learn everything from a screen..sometimes it's better to ask someone who has experience.. LEELOO (quite happy) What is... Make Love? Korben just stares at her for a few minutes. KORBEN Know what? On that subject maybe you'd be better off asking the screen. He turns the computer back on. ANGLE ON: A STEWARDESS walks up the aisle of the shuttle pushing the red buttons on top of each individual box. VOICE (O.S.) ...to make your flight as short and agreeable as possible, our flight attendants are switching on the timing sleeper which will regulate your sleep during the trip... ANGLE ON: LEELOO (switching off the screen) OK! Finished! KORBEN Finished what? LEELOO Learning language. KORBEN Which one? LEELOO All 900. Korben doesn't know if he should laugh or not. KORBEN You learned 900 languages in five minutes?! LEELOO (pleased) Yes! Now it's your turn! I learned your language, you have to learn mine! KORBEN I know how to say "Hello". Teach me how to say "Good-bye", that's all I need. LEELOO Apipoussan! KORBEN Apipoussan? LEELOO Good! Do you know how we say "make love"? KORBEN (fumbling) Uh... LEELOO ...Hoppi-hoppa. Korben literally melts. KORBEN (to himself) Help... Luckily, a stewardess smiles at him through the box window. STEWARDESS Sweet dreams, Mr. Dallas! The stewardess sets the timing sleeper. Korben and Leeloo immediately fall asleep. A STEWARDESS at the other end of the shuttle has a problem. STEWARDESS 2 Mr. Loc Rhod you have to assume your individual position. LOC RHOD (hugging her) I don't want an individual position, I want all positions! STEWARDESS 2 (resisting somewhat) We're going to take off soon, Mr. Rhod! LOC RHOD Now you're talking! 126 INT. COCKPIT FHLOSTON SPACE SHUTTLE Three CREW MEMBERS prepare for liftoff. COPILOT (on the radio) Molecular axis authorization. Vector 130. Destination Fhloston. Stewardess 1 enters the cockpit. STEWARDESS 1 Zone 1. 217 locked. The sleep regulator is OK. PILOT (checking her out) Thanks, Miss. The Stewardess leaves with a smile. A red light flashes on the vast control panel. MECHANIC Tell the ground crew we've got parasites in the landing gear. 127 INT. AIRPORT LANDING STRIP - DAY A GROUND CREW MEMBER goes over to the truck parked under one of the plane's wings and bangs on the side of it with a shout. GROUND CREW MEMBER Disinfecting! Two DISINFECTORS in hermetically sealed suits exit the truck. They go over to the front landing gear and send up a whooshing beam. The flame burns everything it touches. A pack of repugnant creatures falls squealing from the landing gear. A small trapdoor is opened under the shuttle and a huge slightly phosphorescent tube falls out. 128 INT. AIRPORT HALL / ZORG'S OFFICE Zorg's Right Arm is in a phone booth in the middle of the hall. RIGHT ARM Yeah, it's me... Put Zorg on. He is already sweating. ZORG (cold) I'm listening. RIGHT ARM The real Korben Dallas is on the plane! He took my place. ZORG This is a joke, right? 129 INT. SHUTTLE Loc Rhod is wrapped around a stewardess like a snake. LOC RHOD No!! I swear to God! I've never been this sincere with a human before! 130 EXT. LANDING STRIP TWO GROUND CREW MEMBERS stick an enormous, highly phosphorescant tube into the opening. GROUND CREW MEMBER You're fueled and ready to go. Have a nice flight. 131 INT. SHUTTLE PILOT (to copilot) Everything ready for liftoff? 132 INT. CABIN STEWARDESS (weakly, to Loc Rhod) No, no... I'm not ready! I'd like to talk first... 133 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE / AIRPORT HALL ZORG I cannot hear you. We have a bad connection here. What's your number? Right Arm reads off the phone number. RIGHT ARM 278-500-645-321 ZORG I'll call you back. 134 EXT. LANDING STRIP The runway is now empty. A man slips out of the shadows. It's Cornelius. He scurries over to the front landing gear. He pauses for an instant, the climbs up the wheel well and disappears inside the shuttle. 135 INT. SHUTTLE The pilots are going through the pre-flight check list. COPILOT Anti static pressure? MECHANIC Primed. The mechanic presses a series of buttons. 136 INT. CABIN Loc Rhod undoes a series of buttons on the stewardess' blouse, behind a curtain. He whispers a poem. Impossible to resist him. Outside the curtain the stewardess' legs rise slowly. 137 EXT. LANDING STRIP On the ground, protective fire curtains rise slowly to contain the engine exhaust on liftoff. 138 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE A keyboard slowly appears in front of Zorg. ZORG (typing the number) 278... 500... 139 SERIES OF QUICK CUTS: The pilot gradually turns the engines up. COPILOT 10 seconds... PILOT Power increase. - The stewardess undergoes a power surge from Loc Rhod that's about to lift her of. - Zorg finishes gleefully typing in the number. ZORG 3... 2... 1... - The engines at full blast. - The stewardess in close to screaming. PILOT Liftoff. - The copilot pushes a button. - So does Zorg. - The engines release their full power. - The stewardess screams in ecstasy. - In the hall, Right Arm literally explodes along with the phone and everything else within 60 feet. 140 INT. FHLOSTON SPACE SHUTTLE The stewardess' legs slowly descend and disappear behind the curtain. 141 INT. COCKPIT In the cockpit, the atmosphere loosens up. COPILOT (relaxing) Landing gear secure. Let's light one up. 142 INT. CABIN Korben and Leeloo sleep soundly in their box. Leeloo has a smile on her face and her hand in Korben's. 143 EXT. OUTERSPACE - NIGHT The spaceship rockets past us, then suddenly vanishes with amazing speed. Space is now empty and calm. Billions of stars glow in perfect silence. 144 EXT. SPACE The nefarious planet in still there, immobile, even larger now, writhing like a serpent. Then, suddenly, for no apparent reason, all activity stops and it becomes gray and cold. 145 INT. SPACESHIP In the Admiral's starship, scientists watch the measuring device. One of the devices suddenly starts working. TECHNICIAN All right! We're finally getting something! 146 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The Head Scientist stands facing the President, who is looking more tired than ever. HEAD SCIENTIST The thing is sending out radio wavelengths! PRESIDENT What the hell does it want with radio waves? HEAD SCIENTIST ...Probably wants to make a call! The President and his Generals look at him in astonishment. 147 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Picasso purrs contentedly on Zorg's lap. The phone rings. SECRETARY (O.S.) Mr. Shadow on the line. Zorg shoots to his feet. Picasso tumbles to the floor. Zorg picks up the phone, both excited and uneasy. He stands there, almost coming to attention. ZORG Yes... Zorg here. The voice is feeble. It comes from the far reaches of time, from the bowels of the universe. SHADOW Am I disturbing you? ZORG No... not at all. Where are you? SHADOW'S breathing is awesome. SHADOW ...Not far, now. ZORG Really? Maybe I can get you on my screen and see you at last! Zorg brings up a huge screen and pushes a few buttons. In the middle of an electronic snowstorm, a blackish, vaguely human, quiverinq form appears. Two eyes, like lava, give an idea where the head is. Zorg feels sick. SHADOW Do you have the picture now Mr. Zorg? ZORG Got it. SHADOW How's our deal coming along? ZORG (ill at ease) Fine, just fine! I'll have the 4 pieces you asked for any time now. But it wasn't easy. My costs have tripled. Shadow pauses an instant. A black slimy liquid starts to ooze from the top of the screen. Zorg is feeling worse all the time. SHADOW Money is of no importance... I want the Stones! The black liquid oozes all over the screen which starts to melt. Zorg sweats profusely, his legs tremble. ZORG The Stones will be here. I'll see to it personally! SHADOW ...I can't wait to be among you. Zorg sighs and sits down totally freaked. 148 EXT. ORBIT FHLOSTON PARADISE The space shuttle fills the screen. It banks left and begins its descent toward Fhloston, the turquoise planet. Crystal blue water, perfect white sand beaches. A true paradise. 149 INT. SPACE SHUTTLE The stewardess picks up a microphone to make an announcement. STEWARDESS Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our descent toward Fhloston Paradise... Stewardesses walk down the aisles waking the passengers one by one. They press a button on the door of each box. In the corner, Loc Rhod and the stewardess awake with a start and straighten their clothes quickly. The stewardess is embarrassed. STEWARDESS (timidly) I wanted to tell you that... Loc Rhod puts on his sunglasses and presses a finger to her lips. He disappears behind the curtain leaving the sighing stewardess on her own. 150 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE The spaceship descends through some clouds and glides over a vast turquoise sea. Fhloston Paradise looms into view. An enormous oceanliner floating a dozen yards above the water. On closer inspection it is more modern than a traditional oceanliner. The shuttle draws near, looking ridiculously small next to the monster. Like a sardine next to a whale. 151 INT. COCKPIT A blinking light goes on. PILOT Shit! Parasites in Zone 1. Take a look. The 1st Mate heads off. 152 INT. CABIN A stewardess opens Korben's box door. He is still heavy with sleep. He looks over at Leeloo. She's not there. 153 EXT. FHLOSTON The tiny space shuttle clings to the huge oceanliner. 154 INT. COCKPIT The Pilot maneuvers the ship into it's docking area. PILOT Docking activated. You can let the passengers out. 155 INT. REAR OF COCKPIT The 1st mate pries open the door to an overhead panel. Cornelius falls out, hanging in a jumble of wires. 156. INT. ENTRANCE HALL FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY The enormous door opens and the passengers exit. Leeloo is among them. She appears quite impressed by the beauty and luxury of the 19th century decoration. 157 INT. CABIN Korben attempts to make his way up the shuttle's aisle. KORBEN (jostling everybody) Pardon me. Excuse me. I'm trying to reach my wife.. Sorry! 158 INT. ENTRANCE HALL A dozen policemen wait patiently at the end of the hall. Leeloo stops and presses against the wall. She spots Korben leaving the shuttle. A gorgeous HOSTESS comes up to him, drapes a lei around his neck and plants a kiss on his lips in welcome. HOSTESS (smiling) Welcome to Paradise. Korben's face is covered in lipstick. Leeloo sees he did nothing to stop the girl and she doesn't like it. A HEFTY MAN wearing a sarong drapes some flowers around her neck. Then, obviously relishing it, he leans down to kiss her. Leeloo bashes him on the forehead. The hefty man straightens up. He's still smiling, but his nose is bleeding. He falls slowly to the floor. Korben pushes forward trying to spot Leeloo. He also tries to wipe the lipstick off. Leeloo tries to escape through a door marked PERSONNEL ONLY, but it's locked. A HOST looks at her with a grin. HOST (playful) If you don't have the code you can't open it! Leeloo smiles and punches in an old code and twists the doorknob. The door opens with the sound of a braking lock. Leeloo smiles sweetly and enters as if nothing were amiss. A shriek of joy fills the room. Korben turns around. The HOSTESSES cluster around Loc Rhod as he comes out of the plane. Loc Rhod spots Korben and latches onto his arm. It's not going to be easy to remain discrete. LOC RHOD (relieved) My main man! Please don't leave me here alone. My head's killing me and my adoring fans are gonna tear me apart! Get me outta here! KORBEN I'll take you to the bar, after that, you're on your own. LOC RHOD (hanging on to Korben) Oh, yes! Do that! You treat me right, man. Tell me all about yourself, your roots, your personal life, your childhood dreams... KORBEN I don't think this is a good time... LOC RHOD ...You got brothers and sisters? What about your dad? Tell me about your dad! What was he like? Physically? Big, I suppose? KORBEN (evasive) Yeah, very big, a giant. LOC RHOD I didn't have a dad... never saw him... never even heard him. 50 billion people listen to me every day... and he doesn't hear me... 159 INT. SMALL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY Leeloo is in a small room, ear at the door, listening. Everything seems normal. She turns and discovers the room for what it is: a rest room for... three cops who look up from their books and stare blankly at her. Leeloo doesn't know what to do. So she smiles. 160 INT. HALL - OMIT 161 INT. MAIN HALL FHLOSTON PARADISE - OMIT 162 EXT. ORBIT FHLOSTON PARADISE - DUSK - OMIT 163 INT. THE CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - DUSK - OMIT 164 INT. KORBEN'S STATEROOM The door opens. The HOSTESS turns on the light and enters. Korben follows her, gaping at all the luxury. The BAGGAGE BOY enters bringing Leeloo's two suitcases. Korben grabs the notice announcing Diva Plavalaguna's concert at 5:30 in that evening. Dress: Formal attire. KORBEN For the concert it says formal attire... I didn't bring... The hostess pulls back the closet door. Twenty tuxedos in a row. HOSTESS (looking him over) Here's some champagne. I'll drop by after the concert to open it. She gives him a blinding smile and closes the door. Korben pushes a button. The curtains open to reveal a most spectacular view of the turquoise planet. Stars shoot out into infinity. Breathtaking. Korben stands gaping. The phone rings, snapping him out of his reverie. KORBEN Hello? MOTHER (O.S.) You little sleaze bag! KORBEN ...Ma??? MOTHER (O.S.) Don't you ever ask me for another thing in my life again, you've killed your poor mother with your own hands! Korben drops into an armchair and sighs. His eyes go to the ceiling. KORBEN ...Ma!!! 165 INT. CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - OMIT 166 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE POLICE OFFICE - DAY The Chief of Police has Cornelius in front of him, handcuffed. FOG The Diva's ship is coming in. CHIEF OF POLICE I want maximum security. FOG Yes. Sir! CHIEF OF POLICE (to Cornelius) OK, let's hear it. CORNELIUS Where was I? CHIEF OF POLICE (bored) ...You open the door. There's a cabby with a girl in his arms. FOG opens the door. Two COPS come hobbling in all bloody and bandaged. They hold up a THIRD COP. CHIEF OF POLICE What happened? A bomb go off in your face? BEAT-UP COP Yeah... A 5 foot 7 inch bomb... with green eyes. Cornelius perks up. CORNELIUS And the smile of an angel? They all turn to look at him. CORNELIUS (to Chief) May I speak to you alone. 167 INT. CORRIDOR FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY Leeloo watches the Diva's arrival. A door opens and two POLICEMAN clear the way for DIVA PLAVALAGUNA, her MANAGER, her BODYGUARDS and a gaggle of PORTERS carrying trunks. Not wanting to draw attention to herself, Leeloo feigns interest in a painting that is obviously upside down. A white chiffon veil covers the face of the Diva, she stops in front of Leeloo. The Diva reaches out and strokes Leeloo's face, without touching her. The Diva removes her hand making a sound of crackling electricity, then passes on. Leeloo is groggy. The Diva's ASSISTANT comes up to her. DIVA'S ASSISTANT Please forgive this little incident. She wants you to know that she senses great powers in you... in the service of a noble cause... She will give you what you have come to get, but she wants to sing first... One last time... The Diva's assistant turns the painting right side up. DIVA'S ASSISTANT (nodding) Miss. Leeloo looks at the painting, seems to understand it better. 168 EXT. DIVA'S SUITE Policemen stand at attention in front of the Diva's suite. FOG Hello, I'm head of security. Everything is in order. You can... The Diva enters her suite without letting him finish. FOG ...make yourselves at home safely. If you need anything...give it a knock! 169 INT. POLICE OFFICE HALLWAY - NIGHT A door opens near the police officer's main entrance. Cornelius looks both ways. Then crosses the hall, dragging the Chief of Police by the feet. 170 INT. KORBEN'S STATEROOM Korben finishes putting on his tux, still on the phone. KORBEN Listen, Ma! I've only got a few days vacation and I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend them on the phone. The door RINGS. KORBEN ...Hang on, it's the door. No! I told you I didn't bring anybody! I'm all alone... as usual! Korben opens the door. It's not the champagne. Even better. It's Leeloo. KORBEN (to his mother) ...I'll call you back. Leeloo heads right for her suitcase and starts to undress. Korben has to turn away once more. KORBEN Here we go again... LEELOO (by rote) You know women normally change five times more than men. KORBEN You get that off the screen? LEELOO Yes... you know there's a lot of differences between men women. KORBEN You noticed.. LEELOO OK, you can turn around! Korben turns around. Leeloo has put on a very simple dress which is sexy to the max. He is smitten. So much so that Leeloo wonders if something isn't quite right. KORBEN Where you going? LEELOO I'm going to see the Diva sing. What's the matter?... Do I look bad? KORBEN No, not at all! I mean, just the opposite, you're... you're beautiful! Leeloo smiles at him, his compliment pleases her. She turns, revealing her unzippered back. Korben cannot help but stare at her bare flesh. Her perfect bottom. LEELOO Do you know how this works? Korben's blood boils. She wriggles, pressing her hands together close to the zipper. KORBEN I have an idea. But instead of pulling on the zipper he slips a bracelet on her wrist. A flourescent beam bursts out of the bracelet and forms a vertical bar going from the floor to the ceiling. Stunned, Leeloo is held captive. KORBEN I told you I need to work in peace. Remember? I need to concentrate. LEELOO And you can't concentrate with me around?. KORBEN It's difficult. She tries to breakout. KORBEN Army issue. I'm sorry. Leeloo tries desperately to get out of the handcuffs. Impossible. Korben sets the radio down in front of her and turns it on. Leeloo looks like she'd like to break his head. LEELOO (seething) You're nothing but a... a... KORBEN The words you're looking for weren't in the dictionary you studied. I won't be long. The door flies open. Loc Rhod barges in. LOC RHOD Hey Stud we gotta... Then he sees the scene, Leeloo cuffed, in a low cut dress. His mind goes to the obvious. LOC RHOD Korben my man what's happening here? Who's the chick? What's the gig? We free forming here? Getting funky with the monkey? Can I get in on this? Korben grabs him by the collar.. KORBEN No..to all of the above. And yanks Loc Rhod out of the room. Leaving Leeloo looking extremely unhappy. 171 INT. RADIO - OMIT 172 INT. LOC RHOD'S STATEROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT - OMIT 173 INT. HALL - OMIT 174 INT. BATHROOM - OMIT 175 INT. DIVA'S SUITE FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT - OMIT 176 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE OPERA - NIGHT Loc Rhod and Korben enter what turns out to be a replica of the Garnier Opera in Paris. A hostess escorts them to their seats. LOC RHOD (broadcasting) We have just walked into what is probably the most beautiful concert hall in the universe. Totally awesome! Magnificent paintings on the ceiling. I don't know who painted them, but he must have busted his balls! I see a row of former ministers, more sinister than minister! A few generals practicing how to sleep. And there's Baby Ray, star of stage and screen, drowning in a sea of nymphets. He's not gonna get much out of this concert, he's stone-deaf! ANGLE ON: Baby Ray bending his ear to a girl asking for an autograph. BABY RAY ...to who? LOC RHOD (moving down the aisle) ...And over there is Roy Von Bacon, the king of laserball and the best paid player in the League. (shakes hands as he goes by) ...And over there is the Emperor Kodar Japhet whose daughter Aachen is still at the bar. "I love to sing, too, but in the shower", she recently confessed to me. She will no doubt prove to be as generous tonight as she always is. A waiter gives them two glasses of champagne. Track with the WAITER an he leaves the hall with his empty tray. He enters a small room reserved for staff. 177 INT. STAFF ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The waiter joins some other WAITERS. They are well armed. He opens a cupboard and pulls out a humongous weapon. Suddenly their faces burn off revealing AKANIT, the young leader of the Mangalores, and his troops. AKANIT It's showtime! 178 INT. CONCERT HALL The lights dim slowly in the concert hall. 179 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindbergh and his staff, including Munro, sit at the desk. Speakers appear. 180 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Leeloo, still a prisoner, listens to the concert. 181 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben is tense. The curtain rises. The Diva, in a stunning gown, stands in the center of the stage, head bowed. Behind her, a star filled window. The MUSIC begins. The Diva looks up, a rare beauty, but an alien. And then she begins to sing. Her voice is divine, unmatched. Korben is swept up in the TEARS. 182 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Leeloo has tears in her eyes 183 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The manager couldn't care less about the concert. His main problem is the bottle of scotch he can't seem to open. The doorbell RINGS. MANAGER (ugly mood) Yeah!? VOICE (O.S.) Flowers for the Diva. MANAGER She's allergic to flowers!!! VOICE (O.S.) There's champagne as well... The manager takes one look at the stubborn bottle and opens the door. And finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun. A dozen Mangalores rush in. One of them, with a human face, closes the door and waits out in the hall. ANGLE ON: Cornelius watching from around the corner. CORNELIUS ...My God! 184 INT. CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE CAPTAIN Commander, I have a ship with a main malfunction. He requests permission to dock for repairs. COMMANDER Did you check out his registration number? CAPTAIN Everything's in order. COMMANDER Put him in the docking garage and inform the police. 185 INT. COCKPIT ZFX200 - NIGHT CAPTAIN (V.O.) Permission granted. Dock 575. You have an hour. Will that be enough time'? Zorg sits at the controls. ZORG (cold) More than enough. 186 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The ZFX approaches Fhloston. 187 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE The ship comes close enough for Leeloo to see it out the window. FLASHBACK: The same ships with Mangalores at the controls attack the Mondoshawans at the beginning of our story. 188 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Leeloo is alarmed. She has to act. She seizes the flourescent bar beam with great effort and rams it into the ceiling, marking a hole large enough for her to escape. 189 INT. CLOSET FHLOSTON PARADISE Cornelius bursts into the closet he left the Chief of Police tied and gagged in. He quickly unties him. CORNELIUS (in a panic) Mangalores! The Diva's suite! They want the Sacred Stones! They must be stopped. We must stop them!. I'm going to free you but you must promise to help me! The Chief of Police nods his agreement. 190 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The Mangalores have trashed the suite. One of the Mangalores finally finds a case engraved with the four elements. MANGALORE I have it. The Mangalore is about to open the case when... Leeloo descends quietly and gracefully from the ceiling. Time stands still. LEELOO (smiling) Apipoulai! 191 INT. CONCERT HALL The Diva switches from classical music to funk, picking up the tempo. INTERCUT': 192 INT. DIVA'S SUITE / CONCERT HALL. A WARRIOR whips out the biggest knife ever made and rushes Leeloo. She disarms him gracefully. A violent fight breaks out. The Diva sings and Leeloo dances. The Mangalores pay a heavy price for the show. 193 INT. CORRIDOR Hearing noise from inside the suite, the Mangalore by the door gets nervous. He runs for reinforcements. 194 INT. POLICE STATION Cornelius enters the police station wearing handcuffs. The Chief of Police is behind him holding a gun. 195 INT. DIVA'S SUITE / CONCERT HALL Leeloo knocks out the last Mangalore just as the Diva finishes her song to a burst of applause. The Diva takes a bow. So does Leeloo. 196 INT. ROOM Akanit and his men listen to the concert. The Mangalore guard runs in. MANGALORE They were waiting for us! It was an ambush! AKANIT If it's war they want it's war they'll get! Enact the Final Plan! All the Mangalores cock their weapons. 197 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Leeloo is about to open the case when the door EXPLODES. Zorg is there holding a ZF1. ZORG My compliments, little lady! ...And thanks for doing all the dirty work! I couldn't have done it any better myself! (sharply) ...Now hand over the Stones! Leeloo smiles and hands him the case. Zorg arms the ZF1 and gets ready to kill her. ZORG Nice knowing you. Leeloo catches on quickly. She kicks the scotch bottle on the floor into the gun which throws Zorg's shot off. She jumps to the ceiling and disappears in an air vent. Furious, Zorg fires at the ceiling. 198 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo dodges the bullets as best as she can. 199 INT. SUITE Zorg fires his 3000 round clip. The ceiling looks like a piece of swiss cheese. Zorg sticks a small cylinder in the wall and flicks it on. The numbers flashing by tell us it's a bomb. The timer reads: 19 minutes and 59 seconds. ZORG (with a crafty smile) You can run but you can't hide... 200 INT. POLICE OFFICE FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT Cornelius is seated opposite the Chief of Police. A MEDIC is bandaging the chief's head. The door explodes. The cop outside in riddled with bullets. A dozen Mangalores attack the police office. Akanit is at their head. The policemen are caught unaware. AKANIT Nobody move! We're taking over this ship! The Chief of Police is goggle-eyed. Cornelius leans toward him. CORNELIUS (pleased with himself) I told you... 201 INT. CORRIDOR Zorg has the case and exits the suite just as the general alarm goes off. He sighs in exasperation. 202 INT. CONCERT HALL Three Mangalores suddenly rush into the opera hall shooting. MANGALORE 1 Everyone down! There is panic all around. LOC RHOD (broadcasting, panic stricken) Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're being... attacked. The place is crawling with warriors. 203 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg and his generals look very worried. 204 INT. CONCERT HALL Some security guards open fire one of the Mangalores is hit. The others turn their guns on the cops. People scream, diving for cover. Korben bides his time. More Mangalores rush in from all around shooting. Two cops are killed. The Diva... takes a bullet. She falls from the stage into Korben's arms. He lowers her to the floor. Korben ignores the panic all around and wraps her in his dinner jacket, trying to stop the blue blood spurting from her wounds. 205 EXT./ INT. SPACE AROUND FHLOSTON Zorg's ZFX200 speeds away from the boat. Zorg is at the controls, a devilish smile on his lips. ZORG You want something done, do it yourself! 206 INT. CONCERT HALL Fighting rages all around in the concert hall, but Korben is oblivious to it. He sets the Diva's head delicately on the floor. Loc Rhod is hidden nearby, still on the air. LOC RHOD (voice low, panicked) They're hideous. They've got a crest on the head, the eyes of a toad and fingers all over their hands. Totally hideous! 207 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE. MUNRO (worried) ...Mangalores! PRESIDENT Send a battalion out immediately! 208 INT. CONCERT HALL KORBEN (to the Diva) I was sent by the government to help you. DIVA Don't worry. This is my fate... How was the concert? Korben is a little surprised, but... the Diva is an artist. KORBEN I've never heard anything so beautiful in my life. A Mangalore jumps on them from the stage. Korben makes short work of him and grabs his gun. DIVA (weak) You're a good man... She was right to have chosen you... KORBEN Who? DIVA The Fifth Element... The Supreme Being... Your wife... Korben is floored. KORBEN Leeloo... is... she's... DIVA Yes, and more than that... You must give her the Stones, she's the only one who knows how to use them. KORBEN (to himself, suddenly realizing) ...So Cornelius was telling the truth! 209 INT. POLICE STATION The Mangalores tie up Cornelius and the Chief of Police together. CORNELIUS (to the Chief of Police) Of course I was telling you the truth!... If you had listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be in this predicament now! 210 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben wastes two more Mangalores. DIVA She needs you. She needs your help and your love. She's more fragile than she seems... Korben looks around, ready for another attack. KORBEN ...Yeah, so am I. The Diva takes his hand. DIVA She was taught to love the life of others... but not her own. You have to teach her to love if you want her to truly live! KORBEN (uncomfortable) I'll help her, I promise, but I think you should tell me where the Stones are! DIVA Do you love her? KORBEN I... I don't know! We hardly know each other... it takes time! DIVA I don't have time... I need to know. KORBEN Listen, the last time I admitted to a woman I loved her ... I never saw her again. DIVA I would like to have died in peace... The Diva's eyes close. 211 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The timer on Zorg's bomb clicks over to "15 minutes". 212 INT. CONCERT HALL KORBEN You tell me to save the world then you go off and leave me in the shit! He shakes her, gently slapping her cheeks. KORBEN Come on! You're not gonna die in peace! You're not going to die at all! You hear me? Where are the Stones? 213 INT. SPACESHIP Zorg sets the Sacred Case on a table in the cockpit. He opens it with a complacent smile: It's empty! He cannot believe his eyes. He goes berserk, destroying everything in sight. 214 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben slaps the Diva soundly. She comes around somewhat. KORBEN I'm sorry, but... the Stones... DIVA (very weak) They are... with me... The Diva dies. Blue blood streams from her mouth. Korben frisks the Diva but doesn't find anything. The shooting slowly stops in the theatre. The Mangalores are now in total control. MANGALORE 2 Stay calm and nobody will get hurt! Hands on your head and into the hall! The guests comply KORBEN (to himself) ...The Stones are with me? and then it occurs to him. KORBEN ...In me? He touches the Diva's stomach and senses something hard. Girding himself, he sticks his hand in the wound and pulls out a Sacred Stone. Then another. And another. Korben pulls out all four Stones, covered in blue blood. Everyone has left the theater. The Mangalores check the aisles one by one. Loc Rhod peeks out from under a seat. LOC RHOD Don't you think we'd better be going? A Mangalore spots Korben kneeling alongside the Diva. He grabs Korben by the shoulder and pokes him with his gun. MANGALORE Hey, you! With the others! Korben spins and, in one swift motion, breaks his arm. Just for starters. Another WARRIOR rushes over. Korben punches him into oblivion and snatches the gun. KORBEN That's it... I've had... all day people have been sticking guns in my face... Korben wraps up the four Stones in his shirt. LOC RHOD Korben man... These dudes are going to waste us if we don't do what they say. Korben gives him the package and grabs his mike. KORBEN You don't do what I say... I'll waste you myself. Got it? LOC RHOD Got it... 215 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg dabs his sweaty face with a towel. 216 INT. POLICE STATION Akanit is still in the police station facing control screens. He barks into a walkie-talkie. AKANIT What's the situation in the hall? 217 INT. HALL Hostages are being gathered in the middle of the hall. They are surrounded by Mangalores who guard them. MUGGER (into walkie-talkie) There's no more resistance. Everything's under control. Three Mangalores are suddenly blasted through the glass door leading to the theater. Korben bursts into the hall, two huge guns in his hands. KORBEN Everybody down! Korben takes out two more WARRIORS coming towards him, rolls behind a column. Laser bullets stinging all around his head. LOC RHOD This is amazing! Korben, Korben Dallas, the winner of the Gemini Croquette contest just killed three warriors like he was swatting flies... Panic everywhere! Heavy firing fills the hall. ANGLE ON: Roy von Bacon, the laserball player, rises from the floor behind a Mangalore, grabs him and smashes his head into a column, seizing the gun. ANGLE ON: Two Mangalores firing a huge machine gun at the column Korben is using for cover. He dives for cover behind the bar. ANGLE ON: Two Mangalores watch awestruck. Roy whistles behind them. The two Mangalores turn around. Roy bonks their heads together. LOC RHOD It's Roy von Bacon, the Lions center forward joining in the battle... Someone taps Loc Rhod on the shoulder. He jumps with fright. PRINCESS AACHEN (hot to trot) All this is terribly exciting, hmmm? Loc Rhod covers his mike. LOC RHOD GET OFF MY BACK! A Mangalore shoots in their direction. Loc Rhod flattens himself on the floor. A vase falls on the Princess knocking her out. A Mangalore loads some missiles in his gun and destroys the bar piece by piece forcing Korben to move forward. Korben motions to Baby Ray hiding under the pool table. KORBEN Toss me the balls! BABY RAY (terrified, still deaf) What? Another piece of the bar explodes. KORBEN The balls for Christ's sake! Korben apes playing pool, but Baby Ray really is stone-deaf. EMPEROR JAPHET He wants the balls! You deaf or something? The EMPEROR rolls the balls over to Korben. The Mangalore loads more missiles and shatters another part of the bar. Korben hides behind the last bit left. KORBEN How far is he from here? The EMPEROR glances at the Mangalore, who in reloading. EMPEROR I'd say about thirty yards to the left. Korben hefts the ball, jumps up and hurls it with blinding speed. The Mangalore catches it right in the head. He drops, firing in the air. The missile strikes the ceiling which collapses on him. The emperor gives Korben a thumb's up. LOC RHOD ...And our man Korben has literally knocked out the opposition with an amazing 90 foot pitch. The COPS on the floor rise, scoop up weapons from dead Mangalores and lay down a line of fire at the last of the fleeing rebels . Roy whirls his arm in victory. FOG Thanks for your help. KORBEN Forget it. Korben grabs Loc Rhod and takes him with him. 218 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Korben bursts into the room. He stares at the luminous bar still struck to the ground and sees the hole Leeloo escaped through. KORBEN Leeloo??? 219 INT. DIVA'S SUITE - CEILING Leeloo in bleeding all over. She can barely move. LEELOO (feeble) Kor... ban... 220 EXT. NEAR FHLOSTON The ZFX 200 speeds back toward Fhloston Paradise. 221 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The bomb timer now reads 10 minutes. 222 INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY - FHLOSTON PARADISE The last of the Mangalores have barricaded themselves in the back of the station and shoot at anything that tries to enter. Korben joins the policemen already there. COP 1 Hey, who are you? KORBEN The winner of the Gemini Croquette contest. Korben goes to the door and peeks around the corner. Loc Rhod arrives. KORBEN Seven to the left. Five to the right. COP What's he doing? Korben leans around the corner and fires rapidly. KORBEN Six to the left. One to the right. LOC RHOD He's on vacation. KORBEN (reloading) We got to find the leader. Mangalores don't fight without a leader. 223 INT. POLICE STATION Akanit gets up, grabs Cornelius by the throat and put a gun to his head. AKANIT One more shot and we start killing hostages, got that? 224 INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY KORBEN Found him... AKANIT (tense) Send someone to negotiate! KORBEN Mind if I go? I'm an excellent negotiator. COP 1 Uh... Sure, go ahead. Korben gets ready. COP 1 We're sending someone in who's authorized to negotiate. 225 INT. POLICE STATION Korben walks quickly into the room, heads straight for Akanit, raises his gun and puts a bullet through his head. KORBEN Anyone else want to negotiate? COP 2 (to another Cop) Where'd he learn to negotiate like that? 226 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO From us! The President gives Munro a hard look. 227 INT. CONTROL ROOM The police round up the remaining Mangalores. Korben is at the control center screens trying to find Leeloo. Cornelius comes over to him, embarrassed. CORNELIUS You're probably very angry with me and I quite understand. But I want you to know I'm fighting for a noble cause. KORBEN Yeah, I know... to save the world... but right now all I want to do is save Leeloo. CORNELIUS Leeloo's in trouble? KORBEN When is she not in trouble? CORNELIUS Uh.. Have you tried the Diva's suite? Korben realizes that Cornelius in probably right. 228 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE LANDING DOCK AND GARAGE The ZFX200 settles in the landing dock garage. SECURITY POLICE approach the ship just as Zorg in getting out holding the ZF1. POLICEMAN More trouble? ZORG Nothing I can't fix myself. He brings up the ZF1 and wipes out the garage. 229 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Korben enters the Diva's suite which is in shambles. He looks everywhere, but finds nothing. 230 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo lies in a pool of blood. She hears something below her. 231 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Exhausted, Loc Rhod wipes his forehead and finds himself face to face with the bomb stuck on the wall. Korben in busy looking for Leeloo. KORBEN (loudly) Leeloo? Up in the airshaft, Leeloo has heard him. LEELOO Korben... Her voice is too weak, Korben can't hear her. LOC RHOD Korben man... what the hell is this? Korben gives the bomb a prefunctory glance. KORBEN A molecular bomb. Three minutes left on the timer. LOC RHOD (increasingly worried) And, uh, what're these numbers clicking by? CORNELIUS Probably the time remaining before it explodes. Cornelius smiles and continues his search. LOC RHOD (weak smile) You're just saying that to scare me! Right? If it was a bomb, an alarm would've gone off. There's bomb detectors in all these hotels! A general alarm goes off. Loc Rhod is crushed. 232 INT. MAIN HALL The lights flicker. VOICE (O.S.) This is a Type A alert. For security reasons the hotel must be evacuated. Please proceed calmly to the lifeboats located in the main hallways. A wave of panic engulfs the hall. The cops are unable to hold back the crowd as it stampedes to the exits. 233 INT. CORRIDOR Zorg marches down the corridor shooting everyone in his path. 234 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Loc Rhod stands paralyzed in front of the flashing timer. Less than two minutes left. LOC RHOD Maybe we oughta be going, what do you think? KORBEN Not without Leeloo. Loc Rhod cannot take his eyes off the bomb. LOC RHOD Like D-Man, I hate to bother you but uh, like, we're down to 2 minutes here... Korben breathes out, bothered. He turns his attention to the bomb. KORBEN It's the latest model.. I've never seen one before... it works off a magnetic coded card... Let's see if I can rig it up. 235 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo sticks her fingers out one of the bullet holes and lets some of her blood drip down. The blood splats on Korben's hand. He snaps his head up and knows immediately who is up there. He forgets about the bomb. LOC RHOD Hey! What are you doing? The bomb! Korben drags the desk over, jumps on it and pokes his head in the torn up airshaft He spots Leeloo who gives him a weak smile. KORBEN Don't worry, I'm here now! He pulls her toward him, helps her out of the shaft and stretches her out on the desk. KORBEN Just relax. I've got the Stones. Everything's going to be fine. 30 seconds left on the timer. LOC RHOD (falling to pieces) Like Korben, can I have 30 seconds of your time here? KORBEN (to Leeloo) I'll be right back. Korben dashes over to the bomb. He is stopped by the barrel of the ZF1. Zorg, in person, holding a magnetic card. ZORG (smiling) Allow me... Zorg slips a small magnetic card in the bomb, it starts to count down from 5 minutes. ZORG Just for the fun of it. Loc Rhod faints. ZORG Well, what do we have here? Is this Korben Dallas? The famous winner of the Gemini Croquette contest? Or is this Korben Dallas from Special Section sent by old Lindberg himself. Korben doesn't reply. ZORG ...In any event, whoever you are, I was glad to meet you. Zorg fires at Korben who figures he is dead. Nothing. Zorg tries again. Nada. The clip is empty. Zorg starts to panic. ZORG ...A 3000 round clip! I didn't fire off 3000 rounds... did I? KORBEN Don't you know how to count. It's not all that hard. Watch! Korben punches him square in the face, shows him his index. KORBEN One! That's for trying to kill me! Second Punch. KORBEN Two! That's for firing me! Three! That's for pushing around a priest! And the rest is for what you did to my wife! Korben pummels him mercilessly. 236 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg prefers closing his eyes. Munro's shoulders move as if he were beating on Zorg. 237 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg falls to the floor, beaten to a pulp. The timer clicks over to 3 minutes. KORBEN We're outta here! He picks Leeloo up in his arms. Cornelius grabs Loc Rhod and gives him a resounding slap. LOC RHOD Are you nuts, Father? That hurts! I can't feel my teeth. CORNELIUS Doesn't matter all you need are your legs. 238 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The lifeboats launch from the hotel and fly out into space. 239 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE LANDING DOCK GARAGE Korben, carrying Leeloo, Cornelius and Loc Rhod are in the garage. VOICE (O.S.) Two minutes to complete evacuation... Korben bursts the lock on the first ship he finds and enters followed by Cornelius and Loc Rhod. The ZFX200. 240 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg starts to come around. 241 INT. ZFX200 Korben sets Leeloo down. 242 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg picks up his ZF1, unaware of the bomb and the countdown. ZORG I didn't fire three thousand rounds... 243 INT. ZFX2O0 COCKPIT VOICE (O.S.) One minute to total evacuation... LOC RHOD You know how to fly this thing? KORBEN (concentrating) It's like a cab isn't it? VOICE 30 seconds... KORBEN Anyone know how to release the lines on this crate? 244 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg is busy with the ZF1 when the bomb starts to BEEP signaling the last ten seconds. Zorg is terror stricken. He pushes a button and holds the ZF1 over his head. ZORG (loudly) Maximum Protection. A mauve-colored magnetic shield closes around Zorg like an indestructible sarcophagus. 245 INT. ZFX200 COCKPIT Cornelius and Loc Rhod are bent over the buttons looking for a way to release the lines. VOICE (O.S.) 6... 5... KORBEN Found it? Loc Rhod searches frantically. LOC RHOD I don't even know what I'm looking for! KORBEN Fuck it! Hold tight! Korben slams the throttle into full forward. The ship roars away ripping the lines to shreds. Loc Rhod is thrown to the rear of the ship. CUT TO: The counter goes 1... 0 -The suite disintegrates - The corridor is consumed. -The main hall is no more. 246 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE The ZFX200 jets away as the enormous oceanliner explodes behind it. 247 INT. ZFX200 The ship stops shaking. That was a close one. Everyone's relieved. KORBEN Solid little jobs, aren't they? LOC RHOD (broadcasting, exhausted) Dear listeners, your favorite DJ is alive and kicking. It's seven o'clock and time for the news. Tune in tomorrow for another adventure. VOCODER (O.S.) Beep. End of transmission. Loc Rhod lets out a huge sigh. LOC RHOD (to the others) The best show I ever did! 248 EXT. PLANET FHLOSTON A magnetic sarcophagus crosses the Fhloston sky and crashes into a glacier. 249 EXT. FHLOSTON Zorg appears in the middle of the ice. He takes a portable phone out of the ZF1. ZORG How's that? Can you hear me better now? SECRETARY (O.S.) Yes, Mr. Zorg, I hear you perfectly! So, how was the concert? ZORG Who gives a shit! I didn't come here to listen to music! Listen up instead of running off at the mouth! The batteries on my phone are almost gone. SECRETARY (O.S.) Yes, Sir! ZORG Dispatch me another ZFX200 immediately. Someone stole mine. SECRETARY (O.S.) Right away, Sir. I'll send you a new one to the hotel. ZORG I'm not at the hotel! ZORG Hello?... BEEPER (O.S.) Battery dead. Zorg is all alone, lost, in the middle of the glacier. ZORG (to himself) Stay calm.... stay calm... 250 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE General Munro enters the office with a smile. MUNRO Major Dallas has the Five Elements on board. The priest is guiding them directly to the temple. President Lindberg closes his eyes in relief. PRESIDENT Thank God! We've been saved! A SCIENTIST rushes in. SCIENTIST Mr. President. PRESIDENT Yes? Now, what? 251 EXT. SPACE A ball of fire, all-powerful Evil, speeds across the screen with three Federal Army warships following along behind it as best they can. 252 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT What do you mean, "its advancing"?! 253 INT. COCKPIT FEDERATED WARSHIP COMMANDER It's not only advancing, but it's moving at incredible speed! We're having trouble following it. 254 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT (to Scientist) ...And... Do you have any idea where it's heading? The scientist is hard to put to answer, he shakes his head. 255 INT. ZFX200 COCKPIT - NIGHT Korben gently wipes Leeloo's forehead with a cloth. She opens her eyes a little. KORBEN (gentle, loving) Apipoulai.. Leeloo smiles, weakly, feverish. LEELOO I'm so very sad. KORBEN Why? We did pretty well, wouldn't you say? LEELOO Five hundred wars... Arms... Drugs... Money... Everything you create is used to destroy... KORBEN I told you not to read all that crap! LEELOO Protect life... Until death. Her eyes close and she falls back asleep. Korben is worried. She seems so depressed. Cornelius enters. CORNELIUS There's a General on the phone... His name's Mambo, I think. 256 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO Munro here. President Lindberg wants to talk to you. Hold the line. The President clears his throat and takes the phone. PRESIDENT Major, first off, I want to thank you, in my name and in the name of the Federation... 257 INT. ZFX200 / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT (O.S.) For the praiseworthy courage you have shown us! I'd like to congratulate General Munro for his choice. He found the ideal man for such a... KORBEN (to the point) So now what's the problem? The President drops into his armchair and sighs. PRESIDENT There's a ball of fire 1,200 miles in diameter heading straight for the earth. And we have no idea how to stop it! ...That's the problem. Korben thinks fast. The Priest is with him. The Five Elements are on board. KORBEN How much time before the collision? The President queries the scientist with a nod of the head. SCIENTIST If its speed remains constant... in an hour and 57 minutes. KORBEN (O.S.) I'll call you back in two hours. Korben hangs up. The President looks stunned. 258 EXT. SPACE The ZFX200 shifts to the speed of light and vanishes in the star-studded cosmos. 259 INT. CHAPEL David is asleep. He is woken by the sound of... 260 EXT. DESERT - DAWN The ZFX200 is parked in the middle of the desert. Korben walks ahead carrying Leeloo. Cornelius has the four Stones with him. Barely awake, Loc Rhod stumbles along. David appears at the door of the chapel. DAVID You're all safe. Thanks be to God! CORNELIUS Later, David! Later! There's not a minute to lose! The small group enters the chapel. 261 INT. CHAPEL Cornelius pushes the group onto the altar which is surrounded by a wooden barrier. Cornelius stands in front of the cross. KORBEN Excuse me, Father, but... could we pray later? Cornelius bends the cross and pushes it down. A mechanism is set off lowering the altar like a service elevator. The altar descends amid rocky walls. 262 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO They just landed in the desert. PRESIDENT (sweating) How much time is left? 263 EXT. SPACE Earth is in view. The Dark Planet fills the screen and heads for the blue planet. 264 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST About nine minutes. President Lindberg has trouble breathing. 265 INT. TEMPLE Lit by torches, Korben sets Leeloo delicately on the altar in the exact center of the four elements. Cornelius looks over the four Stones every which way. CORNELIUS (panic-stricken) Uh, this one... must be water! It's obvious he doesn't know where to put it. KORBEN Don't tell me you don't know how all this works? CORNELIUS Theoretically, yes! The four Stones form the beam and the Fifth Element is supposed to stand in the middle there, but... I don't have the reference book. I've never seen the Stones work! Korben can't believe his ears. He tears the Stone out of Cornelius' hand and studies the inscriptions. He goes over to one of the four bases the stones rest on and tries to figure it out. The symbol of air is on the Stone, the same as on the base. KORBEN Match the symbols! Korben places the first Stone and picks up another one. Cornelius has found the symbol for water. Loc Rhod sits down. He is very tired. LOC RHOD What is this some kinda game? Like chess? Korben pulls him to his feet and sticks a Stone in his hands. KORBEN No. It's much simpler. If we don't figure out where these Stones go in five minutes, we're all dead! Think you got it? Loc Rhod's got it and runs over to put in his Stone. The four Stones are all in place but nothing happens. KORBEN There's no light! You told me there were supposed to be four beams of light. CORNELIUS (lost) Yes, of course, but... The Stones are shut! They have to be open for it to work. KORBEN And you don't know how they open, is that what you are saying? CORNELIUS That's what I'm saying. 266 EXT. SPACE The Dark Planet closes in on Earth rapidly. 267 INT. CHAPEL Korben leans over Leeloo. KORBEN Leeloo? The Stones! We have to open them! How does it work? LEELOO (feeble) The wind blows... the fire burns... KORBEN I know all that, Leeloo! I'm talking about the Stones. LEELOO ...The rain falls... Korben is desperate. Leeloo's too weak, he won't get anything more out of her. He darts over to a Stone and turns it over and over. KORBEN The rain falls... the wind blows? Loc Rhod stands in front of his Stone looking at Korben. KORBEN Try and figure out how this fucking thing opens, instead of staring at me like that! Loc Rhod starts feeling the Stone all around. LOC RHOD (afraid) I'm looking, I'm looking. 268 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The tension is palpable in the President's office. SCIENTIST ...Three minutes. MUNRO We've lost contact with them. 269 INT. CHAPEL Korben and Cornelius turn the Stones every which way. All to no avai1. Loc Rhod is discouraged. LOC RHOD ...we'll never make it. He sighs. Three hooks pop off the Stone. Loc Rhod can't believe his eyes. LOC RHOD It... it moved! Korben! Korben! Korben rushes over, looks at the Stone. Hooks are undone. KORBEN What did you say? What did you do? LOC RHOD Nothing! Swear to God, I didn't do nothing! KORBEN Look, you did something that set it off. Try to remember. Concentrate. Tell me exactly what you did!! Loc Rhod tries to duplicate the same movement. LOC RHOD I was like this... With my hands here and... I said, "We'll never make it!" That's all! Nothing happens. KORBEN Is that all? LOC RHOD Yeah... then I sighed... like this. Loc Rhod sighs, really depressed this time. The Stone opens even more. Korben's got it. KORBEN The wind! The wind blows... Korben blows on the Stone which immediately opens revealing a patch of blue sky with some miniature clouds floating around inside. A yellow beam pops up like a ray of sunlight, like Korben's smile. KORBEN Quickly, everyone on a Stone! Water for water! Fire for fire! Earth for earth! The two men move fast. Korben on the 4th Stone: Earth. He grabs a fistful of earth and throws it on the Stone. A miniature patch of green appears and immediately forms a green beam. Cornelius wipes his forehead with a scarf and wrings it out over the Stone. It opens revealing a patch of miniature raging sea. A blue beam appears. Loc Rhod has a problem. LOC RHOD (shaking) I don't have a light. I stopped smoking last week! If we'd come a bit sooner... Korben pats his pockets, he comes up with a box of matches. There's only one left. KORBEN Don't breathe. Loc Rhod and Cornelius hold their breath. Korben strikes the match. A small flame appears on the tip. A breeze goes through the room. Korben feels like he's got TNT in his hands. He approaches the flame to the Stone. The flame twists, dims, flickers ...but holds on. The Stone opens. A patch of miniature fire appears. Korben sighs, snuffs out the match. The fourth beam, a red one, immediately forms. 270 EXT. SPACE A mass of fire fills the screen. The Earth is only a thousand miles away. 271 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST Two more minutes. The President shuts his eyes. His lids move in prayer. 272 INT. CHAPEL Korben helps Leeloo onto her feet where the four beams and four colors crisscross. KORBEN It's up to you now, Angel! LEELOO I'm so tired... KORBEN You can sleep tomorrow... come on... LEELOO I want to sleep... forever... KORBEN Leeloo! Listen to me! I'll take you on a vacation afterwards! A real vacation, this time, for as long as you want. Come on! You can do it! Korben slowly releases Leeloo and steps back from the altar. Leeloo can barely stand in the center of the four beams. An indistinct white beam begins to form around her, starts to rise. CORNELIUS Come on Leeloo! Come on! The beam loses its intensity. Leeloo crumples to the floor. 273 EXT. SPACE The Dark Planet hurtles toward Earth. A hundred miles before impact. The African continent is visible. No doubt about it: The fireball is heading right for Egypt. 274 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Seconds tick away relentlessly on the scientist's stopwatch. SCIENTIST It'll be entering the atmosphere in one minute. 275 INT. CHAPEL The heat in the temple is unbearable. All the walls start to ooze the same horrible black slimy liquid seen at Zorg's. A drop of liquid falls to the temple floor and begins to smoke, eating away at it like acid. Loc Rhod has to dodge another drop of the stuff. Korben quickly straightens Leeloo up and puts her back in the center of the beams. KORBEN Leeloo! If you don't get on with the program we're all gonna die! And that's not on my agenda for today. Leeloo wraps her arms around Korben's neck. LEELOO (weak) What's the use of saving lives... when you see what you do with them! KORBEN You're right but there are lots of good things... beautiful things... LEELOO ...Like love... KORBEN Exactly. LEELOO But I don't know love... I'm like a machine programmed to save other people's lives but never to have one of my own. 276 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The Scientist's stopwatch goes from 30 to 29 seconds. 277 INT. CHAPEL LEELOO I have thousands of memories but none of them are mine... There is no need for me other than this. I'm immortal but I have no life. KORBEN Yes, you do! I need you. More than you can imagine! Stand up straight! LEELOO Why?... Why would you need me? KORBEN Because... CORNELIUS (to himself) Tell her, for God's sake! A bit of the black acid falls on Loc Rhod's shirt setting it on fire. He rips if off. CUT TO: 278 INT. CHAPEL KORBEN Because... Leeloo has tears in her eyes. The heat is overpowering. Black acid is everywhere. LEELOO Tell me... KORBEN I love you... Despite her fatigue, Leeloo smiles broadly. CUT TO: 278b INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The stopwatch goes from 3 to 2. 279 INT. CHAPEL LEELOO Now you're allowed to kiss me. - Korben wraps his arms around her and kisses her like he's never kissed anybody before. - The white beam, the Divine Light, immediately forms around Leeloo and Korben. - The stopwatch hits zero. - The Absolute Beam explodes from the top of the pyramid and heads straight into the sky zapping the fireball smack in the middle, slowing it down. - Korben and Leeloo kiss like there was no tomorrow. - The beam hardens and slowly solidifies the Evil Planet. Inaudible screeches escape from the dying planet. Screeches of terrifying pain as if a million souls were dying. - Streams of black acid spurt from the pyramid and solidify like brilliant stalactites. 280 EXT. SPACE The pure beam, the Light of Life, has finished its work. The Dark Planet nothing more than a dead planet. Strangely enough, it looks like the moon. Everything is calm around it. 281 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg opens his eyes and realizes he's not dead- SCIENTIST The planet seems to have stopped at... 62 miles from impact. 282 INT. CHAPEL In the temple, the beam loses its intensity. But Leeloo and Korben remain stuck together, lost in their kiss. Cornelius has dropped to his knees, clutching his hands. Loc Rhod slips along the wall with a sigh. He gives Cornelius a knowing smile. LOC RHOD This guy is a killer with the babes. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him. Cornelius and Loc Rhod burst out laughing. Korben and Leeloo keep on kissing. 283 INT. LABORATORY We are in the Nucleological Laboratory that gave birth to Leeloo in the beginning of our story. The President enters the lab followed by a group of officials in ceremonial dress. MUNRO Mr. President, let me introduce you to Professor Mactilburgh, who runs the center. MACTILBURGH It's an honor to receive you. Mr. President. PRESIDENT (beaming) Yes.. Well? Where are our two heroes? MACTILBURGH They were so tired from their ordeal that we put them in the reactor this morning.. PRESIDENT I have 19 more meetings after this one Professor.. PROFESSOR Of course.. Let me see if they're revived. AIDE We go live in one minute, Mr. President. Mactilburgh goes to the reactor and opens a small slot which allows him to see what is going on under the blue shield. Leeloo and Korben are naked, arms wrapped around each other, kissing and probably engaged in hoppi hoppa. Mactilburgh looks troubled. MACTILBURGH I.. uh.. they need five more minutes, Mr. President. The President, pressed for time, looks over to his aide who in struggling with a phone call. AIDE No ma'am... I tried... No ma'am... PRESIDENT Who is it? AIDE Some woman... claims she's Korben's mother... PRESIDENT Give it here... The President takes the phone and goes to the window. PRESIDENT Mrs. Dallas, this in the President. On behalf of the entire Federation, I would like to thank... MOTHER (V.O.) Don't pull that crap with me, Finger... I'd recognize that trash can voice of yours in a dark alley during a rain storm. You tell that worthless no account son of mine he should plotz for the way he's ignored his mother... when I think of all I sacrificed for him... 284 EXT. NEW YORK Outside the lab we see the President through the window, holding the phone away from his ear. PAN slowly across Manhattan. Credits Roll as TWO full rising silver moons ascend in the dark blue sky. THE END

------------------------------------------------------------ FINDING NEMO Transcript v1.0 Copyright 2003 Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios ------------------------------------------------------------ Transcribed by BaD_BURN email : [email protected] ------------------------------------------------------------------ | Okay, this is the work-in-progress FINDING NEMO film transcript. | | Why is it 'work-in-progress' you might ask? Well for one, this | | isn't a 100% accurate transcript: some words might be missing, | | may not be right. Second, some lines may or may not have been | | spoken by the right character. There are instances in the film | | where a line is spoken but the character isn't on screen, which | | makes things complicated. But I'd say this transcript is about | | 98-99% accurate. Dialogue for each scene is seperated by a line | | of equal signs (=). | | | | This transcript is open for corrections, additions if you have | | any. What you CAN'T do, however, is to edit it and take credit | | for it. Although I do not own the movie or it's screenplay, this | | transcript was made with no intention of copyright infringement | | and the like. Enjoy. And remember: 'Fish are friends, not food'. | ------------------------------------------------------------------ ====================================================================================== MARLIN Wow. CORAL Mmm. MARLIN Wow. CORAL Mmm-hmm. MARLIN Wow. CORAL Yes, Marlin. No, I see it. It's beautiful. MARLIN So, Coral, when you said you wanted an ocean view, you didn't think that we we're gonna get the whole ocean, did you? Huh? [sighs] Oh yeah. A fish can breath out here. Did your man deliver or did he deliver? 1 CORAL My man delivered. MARLIN And it wasn't so easy. CORAL Because a lot of other clownfish had their eyes on this place. MARLIN You better believe they did--every single one of them. CORAL Mm-hmm. You did good. And the neighborhood is awesome. MARLIN So, you do like it, don't you? CORAL No, no. I do, I do. I really do like it. But Marlin, I know that the drop off is desirable with the great schools and the amazing view and all, but do we really need so much space? MARLIN Coral, honey, these are our kids we're talking about. They deserve the best. Look, look, look. They'll wake up, poke their little heads out and they'll see a whale! See, right by their bedroom window. CORAL Shhh, you're gonna wake the kids. MARLIN Oh, right. Right. CORAL Aww, look. They're dreaming. We still have to name them. MARLIN You wanna name all of 'em, right now? All right, we'll name this half Marlin Jr. and then this half Coral Jr. Okay, we're done. CORAL I like Nemo. MARLIN Nemo? Well, we'll name one Nemo but I'd like most of them to be Marlin Jr. CORAL Just think that in a couple of days, we're gonna be parents! MARLIN Yeah. What if they don't like me? CORAL Marlin. MARLIN No, really. CORAL There's over 400 eggs. Odds are, one of them is bound to like you. CORAL What? MARLIN You remember how we met? CORAL Well, I try not to. MARLIN Well, I remember. 'Excuse me, miss, can you check and see if there's a hook in my lip?' CORAL Marlin! MARLIN 2 'Well, you gotta look a little closer because it's wiggling'. CORAL Get away! MARLIN Here he is. Cutie's here! Where did everybody go? MARLIN [gasps] Coral, get inside the house, Coral. No, Coral, don't. They'll be fine. Just get inside, you, right now. MARLIN No! MARLIN Coral! Coral? MARLIN Coral? Oh! MARLIN Ohh. There, there, there. It's okay, daddy's here. Daddy's got you. I promise, I will never let anything happen to you...Nemo. ====================================================================================== NEMO First day of school! First day of school! Wake up, wake up! C'mon, first day of school! MARLIN I don't wanna go to school. Five more minutes. NEMO Not you, dad. Me! MARLIN Okay...huh? NEMO Get up, get up! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! Oh boy! Oh boy! MARLIN All right, I'm up. NEMO Oh boy--whoa! MARLIN Nemo! NEMO First day of school! MARLIN [gasps] Nemo, don't move! Don't move! You'll never get out of there yourself. I'll do it. All right, where's the break? You feel a break? NEMO No. MARLIN Sometimes you can't tell 'cause fluid is rushing to the area. Now, any rushing fluids? NEMO No. MARLIN Are you woozy? NEMO No. MARLIN How many stripes do I have? 3 NEMO I'm fine. MARLIN Answer the stripe question! NEMO Three. MARLIN No! See, something's wrong with you. I have one, two, three--that's all I have? Oh, you're okay. How's the lucky fin? NEMO Lucky. MARLIN Let's see. MARLIN Are you sure you wanna go to school this year? 'Cause there's no problem if you don't. You can wait 5 or 6 years. NEMO Come on, dad. It's time for school. MARLIN Ah-ah-ah! Forgot to brush. NEMO Ohh... MARLIN Do you want this anemone to sting you? NEMO Yes. MARLIN Brush. NEMO Okay, I'm done. MARLIN You missed a spot. NEMO Where? MARLIN There. Ha ha! Right there. And here and here and here! ====================================================================================== MARLIN All right, we're excited. First day of school, here we go. We're ready to learn to get some knowledge. Now, what's the one thing we have to remember about the ocean? NEMO It's not safe. MARLIN That's my boy. So, first we check to see that the coast is clear. We go out and back in. And then we go out, and back in. And then one more time--out and back in. And sometimes, if you wanna do it four times-- NEMO Dad.. MARLIN All right. Come on, boy. NEMO Dad, maybe while I'm at school, I'll see a shark! MARLIN 4 I highly doubt that. NEMO Have you ever met a shark? MARLIN No, and I don't plan to. NEMO How old are sea turtles? MARLIN Sea turtles? I don't know. NEMO Sandy Plankton from next door, he said that sea turtles, said that they live to be about a hundred years old! MARLIN Well, you know what, if I ever meet a sea turtle, I'll ask him. After I'm done talking to the shark, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on, hold on, wait to cross. Hold my fin, hold my fin. NEMO Dad, you're not gonna freak out like you did at the petting zoo, are you? MARLIN Hey, that snail was about to charge. Hmm, I wonder where we're supposed to go. FISH KIDS Bye, mom! FISH MOM I'll pick you up after school. CRAB KID Come on, you guys. Stop it! Give it back! MARLIN Come on, we'll try over there. MARLIN Excuse me, is this where we meet his teacher? BOB Well, look who's out of the anemone. MARLIN Yes. Shocking, I know. BOB Marty, right? MARLIN Marlin. BOB Bob. TED Ted. BILL Bill. Hey, you're a clownfish. You're funny, right? Hey, tell us a joke. BOB/TED Yeah, yeah. Come on, give us a funny one. MARLIN Well, actually, that's a common misconception. Clownfish are no funnier than any other fish. BILL Aw, come on, clownie. TED Yeah, do something funny. 5 BOB Yeah! MARLIN All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea, well he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place and then the sea cucumber, well they--I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that I-- BOB Sheldon! Get out of Mr. Johansenn's yard, now! KIDS Whoa! MR. JOHANSSEN All right, you kids! Ooh! Uuh, where'd you go? Where'd you go? Where, where'd you go? NEMO Dad, dad...can I go play too? Can I? MARLIN I would feel better if you go play over on the sponge beds. MARLIN That's where I would play PEARL What's wrong with his fin? TAD He looks funny! SHELDON Ow! Hey, what'd I do? What'd I do? BOB Be nice. It's his first time at school. MARLIN He was born with it, kids. We call it his lucky fin. NEMO Dad. PEARL See this tentacle? It's actually shorter than all my other tentacles but you can't really tell.Especially when I twirl them like this. SHELDON I'm H2O-intolerant. [sneezes] TAD I'm obnoxious. MR. RAY [singing] Oooh, let's name the zones, the zones, the zones. Let's name the zones of the open sea. KIDS Mr. Ray! SHELDON Come on, Nemo. MARLIN Whoa, you better stay with me. MR. RAY [singing]..mesopolagic, bathyal, abyssalpelagic. All the rest are too deep for you and me to see. MR. RAY Huh, I wonder where my class has gone? KIDS 6 We're under here! MR. RAY Oh, there you are. Climb aboard, explorers. [singing] Oh, knowledge exploring is oh so lyrical, when you think thoughts that are empirical. NEMO Dad, you can go now. MR. RAY Well, hello. Who is this? NEMO I'm Nemo. MR. RAY Well, Nemo, all new explorers must answer a science question. NEMO Okay. MR. RAY You live in what kind of home? NEMO An anemo-none. A nemenem-menome-nememen-nenemone-- MR. RAY Okay, okay, don't hurt yourself. Welcome aboard, explorers! MARLIN Just so you know, he's got a little fin. I find if he's having trouble swimming, let him take a break. Ten, fifteen minutes. NEMO Dad, it's time for you to go now. MR. RAY Don't worry. We're gonna stay together as a group. Okay, class, optical orbits up front. And remember, we keep our supraesophogeal ganglion to ourselves...that means you, Jimmy. JIMMY Aw, man! MR. RAY [singing] MARLIN Bye, Nemo! NEMO Bye, dad! MARLIN Bye, son! Be safe. BOB Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first timer. MARLIN Well, you can't hold onto them forever, can you? BILL Yeah, I had a tough time when my oldest went out at the drop off. MARLIN They just gotta grow up--the drop off?! They're going to the drop off?! Wh-what are you, insane?! Why don't we fry 'em up now and serve them with chips!? BOB Hey, Marty. Calm down. MARLIN Don't tell me to be calm, pony boy! BOB 'Pony boy'? 7 BILL You know for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny. TED Pity. ====================================================================================== MR. RAY [singing] Oh, let's name the species, the species, the species. Let's name the species that live in thesea. NEMO Whoa. MR. RAY [singing] There's porifera, coelenterata, hydrozoa, scyphozoa, anthozoa, ctenophora, bryozoas, three! Gastropoda, arthropoda, echinoderma, and some fish like you and me. Come on, sing with me. Oh...! MR. RAY Just the girls this time. [singing] Oh, seaweed is cool. Seaweed is fun. It makes it's food with the rays of the sun... MR. RAY Okay, the drop off. All right, kids, feel free to explore but stay close. [gasps] Stromalitic cyanobacteria! Gather. An entire ecosystem contained in one infinitesimal speck. There are as many protein pairs contained in this... TAD Come on, let's go. MR. RAY Come on, sing with me! [singing] There's porifera, coelentera, hydrozoa, scyphozoa, anthozoa, ctenophora, bryozoas, three! NEMO Hey guys, wait up! Whoa. TAD Cool. TAD Saved your life! PEARL Aw, you guys made me ink. NEMO What's that? TAD I know what that is. Oh, oh! Sandy Plankton saw one. He called, he said it was called a...a butt. NEMO Whoa. PEARL Wow. That's a pretty big butt. SHELDON Oh, look at me. I'm gonna go touch the butt. [sneezes] Whoa! SHELDON Oh yeah? Let's see you get closer. PEARL Okay. Beat that. TAD Come on, Nemo. How far can you go? NEMO Uh, my dad says it's not safe. 8 MARLIN Nemo, no! NEMO Dad? MARLIN You were about to swim into open water! NEMO No, I wasn't go out--but dad! MARLIN It was a good thing I was here. If I hadn't showed up, I don't know-- PEARL Sir, he wasn't gonna go. TAD Yeah, he was too afraid. NEMO No, I wasn't. MARLIN This does not concern you, kids. And you're lucky I don't tell your parents you were out there. You know you can't swim well. NEMO I can swim fine, dad, okay? MARLIN No, it's not okay. You shouldn't be anywhere near here. Okay, I was right. You'll start school in a year or two. NEMO No, dad! Just because you're scared of the ocean-- MARLIN Clearly, you're not ready. And you're not coming back until you are. You think you can do these things but you just can't, Nemo! NEMO I hate you. MR. RAY There's--nothing to see. Gather, uh, over there. Excuse me, is there anything I can do? I am a scientist, sir. Is there any problem? MARLIN I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt things. He isn't a good swimmer and it's a little too soon for him to be out here unsupervised. MR. RAY Well, I can assure you, he's quite safe with me. MARLINLook, I'm sure he is. But you have a large class and he can get lost from sight if you're not looking. I'm not saying you're not looking-- FISH KID Oh my gosh! Nemo's swimming out to sea! MARLIN Nemo! What do you think you're doing? You're gonna get stuck out there and I'll have to get you before another fish does! Get back here! I said get back here, now! Stop! You take one move, mister. Don't youdare! If you put one fin on that boat..are you listening to me? Don't touch the bo--Nemo! TAD [whispering] He touched the butt. MARLIN You paddle your little tail back here, Nemo. That's right. You are in big trouble, young man. Do you hear me? Big...big-- 9 NEMO Aaaah! Daddy! Help me! MARLIN I'm coming, Nemo! KIDS Aaaah! MR. RAY Get under me, kids! NEMO Ah! Oh no! Dad! Daddy! MARLIN Oh! Nemo! Unh! Nemo! Nemo, no! Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! No! No! Aah! Nemo! Nemo! DIVER Whoa! Hold on. MARLIN Oh no. No, no. It's gone, it's gone. No, no, it can't be gone. No, no! Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! No! Nemo! Nemo! No! No, please, no! No, no! MARLIN Has anybody seen a boat!? Please! A white boat! They took my son! My son! Help me, please! DORY Look out! MARLIN Waaaah! MARLIN Ooh, ooh... DORY Ohh. Oh, oh. Sorry! I didn't see you. Sir, are you okay? MARLIN He's gone, he's gone.. DORY There, there. It's all right. MARLIN He's gone. DORY It'll be okay. MARLIN No, no. They took him away. I have to find the boat. DORY Hey, I've seen a boat. MARLIN You have? DORY It passed by not too long ago. MARLIN A white one? DORY Hi. I'm Dory. MARLIN Where!? Which way!? DORY Oh, oh, oh! It-it went, um, this way! And it went this way! Follow me! MARLIN 10 Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much! DORY No problem. MARLIN Hey! Wait! DORY Will you quit it? MARLIN What? DORY I'm trying to swim here. What, ocean ain't big enough for you? MARLIN Huh? DORY You got a problem, buddy? Huh? Huh? Do 'ya? Do 'ya? Do 'ya? You want a piece of me? Yeah, oooh, I'm scared now. Whaat!? MARLIN Wait a minute.. DORY Stop following me, okay!? MARLIN What? You're showing me which way the boat went! DORY A boat? Hey, I've seen a boat. It passed by not too long ago. It went this way, it went this way. Follow me! MARLIN Wait a minute, wait a minute! What is going on? You already told me which way the boat was going! DORY I did? Oh dear... MARLIN If this is some kind of practical joke, it's not funny! And I know funny..I'm a clownfish! DORY No, it's not. I know it's not. I'm so sorry. See, I suffer from short-term memory loss. MARLIN Short-term memory loss..I don't believe this! DORY No, it's true. I forget things almost instantly. It runs in my family..or at least I think it does. Hmmm..where are they? Can I help you? MARLIN Something's wrong with you, really. You're wasting my time. I have to find my son. [gasps] BRUCE Hello. DORY Well, hi! BRUCE Name's Bruce. It's all right, I understand. Why trust a shark, right? So, what's a couple of bites like you doing out so late, eh? MARLIN Nothing. We're not doing anything. We're not even out. BRUCE Great! Then how'd you morsels like to come to a little get-together I'm havin'? DORY 11 You mean like a party? BRUCE Yeah, yeah, that's right--a party! What do you say? DORY Ooh, I love parties! Parties are fun! MARLIN Parties are fun, and it's tempting but-- BRUCE Oh, come on, I insist. MARLIN O-okay..that's all that matters. DORY Hey, look--balloons! It is a party! BRUCE Ha ha ha! Mind your distance, though. Those balloons can be a bit dodgy. You wouldn't want one of them to pop. BRUCE Anchor! Chum! ANCHOR There you are, Bruce, finally! BRUCE We got company. ANCHOR It's about time, mate. CHUM We've already gone through all the snacks and I'm still starvin'! ANCHOR We almost had a feeding frenzy. CHUM Come on, let's get this over with. ====================================================================================== BRUCE Right, then. The meeting has officially come to order. Let us all say the pledge.. BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM 'I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food'. ANCHOR Except stinkin' dolphins. CHUM Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're sooo cute! 'Hey, look at me. I'm a flippin' little dolphin! Let me flip for 'ya! Ain't I a somethin'!' BRUCE Right, then. Today's meeting is step 5, 'BRING A FISH FRIEND'. Now do you all have your friends? ANCHOR Got mine. DORY Hey there! BRUCE How 'bout you, Chum? CHUM Oh, um, I seem to have misplaced my uh, friend. 12 BRUCE That's all right, Chum. I had a feeling this would be a difficult step, you can help yourself to one of my friends. CHUM Oh, thanks, mate. A little chum for Chum, eh? BRUCE I'll start the testimonies. Hello, my name is Bruce. ANCHOR/CHUM Hello, Bruce. BRUCE It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup. CHUM You're an inspiration to all of us. ANCHOR Amen. BRUCE Right, then. Who's next? DORY Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! BRUCE Yes, the little Sheila down the front. DORY Woo-hoo! BRUCE Come on up here. DORY Hi. I'm Dory. BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM Hello, Dory. DORY And, uh, well, I don't think I've ever eaten a fish. CHUM Hey, that's incredible. BRUCE Good on 'ya, mate! DORY Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest. BRUCE All right, anyone else? Hello, how 'bout you, mate? What's your problem? MARLIN Me? I don't have a problem. BRUCE Oh. Okay.. BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM Denial. BRUCE Just start with your name. MARLIN Okay. Uh, hello. My name is Marlin. I'm a clownfish-- CHUM A clownfish? Really?! 13 BRUCE Go on, tell us a joke! CHUM Ooh! I love jokes! MARLIN Actually I do know one that's pretty good. There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber... NEMO Daddy! MARLIN Nemo! CHUM Nemo! Ha ha ha! Nemo! I don't get it. BRUCE For a clownfish, he's not that funny. MARLIN No, no, no, no. He's my son. He was taken by these divers. DORY Oh my, you poor fish. CHUM Humans. Think they own everything. ANCHOR Probably American. BRUCE Now there is a father looking for his little boy. MARLIN Ugh! What do these markings mean? BRUCE I never knew my father! [sobs] CHUM Aw, come here. ANCHOR Group hug. CHUM We're all mates here, mate. MARLIN I can't read human. DORY Well then we gotta find a fish who can read this. Hey, look. Sharks! MARLIN No, no, no, Dory! DORY Guys, guys! MARLIN No, Dory! DORY That's mine! Give it to me! Gimme! Oww! MARLIN Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay? DORY Ow, ow, ow. 14 MARLIN I'm so sorry. DORY You really clocked me there. Am I bleeding? MARLIN Ohh... DORY Ow, ow, ow. BRUCE Dory, are you oka--oohh. Oohh, that's good. ANCHOR/CHUM Intervention! BRUCE Just a bite! ANCHOR Hold it together, mate! CHUM Remember, Bruce, fish are friends, not food! BRUCE FOOD! MARLIN Dory, look out! BRUCE I'm havin' fish tonight! CHUM Remember the steps, mate! BRUCE Just one bite! BRUCE G'day! MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaah! BRUCE Arrrr! MARLIN There's no way out! There's got to be a way to escape! DORY Who is it? MARLIN Dory, help me find a way out! DORY Sorry, you'll have to come back later. We're trying to escape. MARLIN There's gotta be a way out! DORY Look, here's something! 'ESSS-CA-PE'! I wonder what that means. It's funny, it's spelled just like the word 'escape'. MARLIN Let's go! BRUCE Here's Brucey! MARLIN 15 Wait a minute..you can read?! DORY I can read? That's right, I can read! MARLIN Well, then here. Read this now! ANCHOR He really doesn't mean it, y'know! He never even knew his father! CHUM Don't fall off the wagon! MARLIN Oh no, it's blocked! ANCHOR No, Bruce. Focus! CHUM Sorry about--this, mate! ANCHOR He's really--a nice guy! MARLIN I need to get that mask! DORY You want that mask? Okay. MARLIN No, no, no, no, no, no! MARLIN Quick grab the mask! ANCHOR Oh no. Bruce? BRUCE What? [gasps] Swim away! Swim away! DORY Aw, is the party over? PELICAN Nice. ====================================================================================== NEMO Dad? Daddy? DENTIST Barbara? BARBARA Uh-huh? DENTIST Prep for his anterior crown, would you, please? And I'm going to need a few cotton rolls. BARBARA Okay. DENTIST Hello, little fella! NEMO Aah! DENTIST Heh heh heh! Beauty, isn't he? I found that guy struggling for life out on the reef and I saved him. So, has that novocaine kicked in yet? 16 PATIENT I think so. We're ready to roll. BUBBLES Bubbles! [muttering] My bubbles. PEACH He likes bubbles. NEMO Aah! Ohh! No! Uhh! JACQUES Bonjour. NEMO Aah! BLOAT Heh heh! Slow down, little fella. There's nothing to worry about. DEB Oh, he's scared to death. NEMO I wanna go home. Do you know where my dad is? PEACH Honey, your dad's probably back at the pet store. NEMO Pet store? BLOAT Yeah, you know, like I'm from Bob's Fish Mart. GURGLE Pet Palace. BUBBLES Fish-O-Rama. DEB Mail order. PEACH Ebay. GURGLE So which one is it? NEMO I'm from the ocean. GURGLE Ah, the ocean. The ocean! Aaah! He hasn't been decontaminated yet! Jacques! JACQUES Oui. GURGLE Clean him! JACQUES Oui. GURGLE Ocean! JACQUES Ooh, la mer. Bon. Voila. He is clean. BUBBLES Wow. The big blue. What's it like? NEMO Big...and blue? 17 BUBBLES I knew it. DEB Kid, if there's anything you need, just ask your auntie Deb, that's me. Or if I'm not around, you can always talk to my sister Flo. Hi,how are you? Don't listen to anything my sister says, she's nuts! Ha ha ha ha! PEACH [muffled] We got a live one! BLOAT Can't hear you, Peach. PEACH I said we got a live one. GURGLE Yes! BLOAT Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! DEB What do we got? PEACH Root canal, and by the looks of those x-rays it's not gonna be pretty. PATIENT Owwwwwwwww! BLOAT Rubber dam and clamp installed? PEACH Yep. GURGLE What did he use to open? PEACH Gator-Glidden drill. He seems to be favoring that one lately. DEB I can't see, Flo. PATIENT You're getting a little too--aaaaah!!! PEACH Now he's doing the Schilder technique. BLOAT Oooh, he's using a Hedstrom file. GURGLE That's not a Hedstrom file. That's a K-Flex. BLOAT It's got a teardrop cross-section. Clearly a Hedstrom. GURGLE No, no. K-Flex. BLOAT Hedstrom! GURGLE K-Flex! BLOAT Hedstro--! [inflates] There I go. A little help over here. DEB I'll go deflate him. 18 DENTIST All right, go ahead and rinse. GURGLE Ugh! The human mouth is a disgusting place. PEACH Hey, Nigel. NIGEL What did I miss? Am I late? PEACH Root canal and it's a doozy. NIGEL Root canal, eh? What did he use to open? PEACH Gator-Glidden drill. NIGEL He seems to be favoring that one. Hope he doesn't get surplus sealer at the portal terminus... hello. NEMO [gasps] NIGEL Who's this? DEB New guy. Ha ha ha! GURGLE The dentist took him off the reef. NIGEL An outie. From my neck of the woods, eh? Sorry if I ever took a snap at you. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat. [gasps] DENTIST Hey! No, no, no, no! They're not your fish. They're my fish. Come on, go! Go on, shoo! Oh, the picture broke. This here's Darla. She's my niece. She's going to be eight next week. Hey, little fella. Say hello to your new mummy. She'll be here Friday to pick you up. You're her present. Shh, shh, shh! It's our little secret. Well, Mr. Tucker, while that sets up I'm going to see a man about a wallaby. BLOAT Oh, Darla. NEMO What? What's wrong with her? GURGLE She wouldn't stop shaking the bag. BUBBLES Poor Chuckles. DEB He was her present last year. BLOAT Hitched a ride on the porcelain express. PEACH She's a fish killer. NEMO I can't go with that girl! I have to get back to my dad! Aaah! Daddy! Help me! GURGLE Oh, he's stuck! GILL 19 Nobody touch him! Nobody touch him. NEMO Can you help me? GILL No. You got yourself in there, you can get yourself out. PEACH Gill.. GILL I just wanna see him do it, okay? Calm down. Alternate wiggling your fins and your tail. NEMO I can't. I have a bad fin. GILL Never stopped me. GILL Just think about what you need to do. BLOAT Come on. GILL Perfect. BUBBLES Yay! GURGLE You did it! DEB Good squirming! Ha ha ha! PEACH Wow. From the ocean. Just like you, Gill. GILL Yeah. PEACH I've seen that look before. What are you thinking about? GILL I'm thinking, tonight, we give the kid a proper reception. BLOAT So kid, you got a name or what? NEMO Nemo. I'm Nemo. ====================================================================================== MARLIN Nemo. Nemo. [mutters] DORY Are you gonna eat that? Careful with that hammer... MARLIN Huh? No, no! What does it say? Dory! DORY Sea monkey has my money... MARLIN Wake up! Get up! Come on! Come on! DORY Yes, I'm a natural blue... MARLIN 20 Get up! DORY Look out! Sharks eat fish! Aaaaaah! MARLIN/DORY AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! DORY Wow. Dusty. MARLIN [gasps] The mask! Where's the mask? No! No, not the mask! Get it! Get the mask! Get the mask! Get it! DORY [singing] Hoo doot doo doot doot doo doot. Whoo-hoo! La la la la la la. Just keeps going on, doesn't it? Echo! Echo! Hey, what are you doing? MARLIN It's gone. I've lost the mask. DORY Did you drop it? MARLIN You dropped it! That was my only chance of finding my son, now it's gone. DORY Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? MARLIN I don't wanna know what you gotta do when life gets you down. DORY [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim. MARLIN Dory, no singing. DORY [singing] Ho ho ho ho ho ho! I love to swim! When you want to swim.. MARLIN See, I'm going to get stuck now with that song now it's in my head! DORY Sorry. MARLIN Dory, do you see anything? DORY Aaah! Something's got me! MARLIN That was me. I'm sorry. DORY [gasps] Who was that? MARLIN Who could it be? It's me! DORY Are..are you my conscience? MARLIN Yeah, yeah. I'm your conscience. We haven't spoken for a while. How are you? DORY Hmm, can't complain. MARLIN Yeah? Good. Now, Dory. I want you to tell me..do you see anything? 21 DORY I see..I see a light. MARLIN A light. DORY Yeah. Over there. Hey, conscience. Am I dead? MARLIN No, I see it too. What is it? DORY It's so pretty. MARLIN I'm feeling...happy. Which is a big deal for me. DORY I want to touch it. Oh! MARLIN Hey, come back. Come on back here. DORY [singing] I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna swim with you. MARLIN I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna be your best friend...good feeling's gone. MARLIN I can't see! I don't know where I'm going! DORY Haah! MARLIN The mask! DORY What mask? DORY Okay, I can't see a thing. MARLIN Oh, gee! DORY Hey, look! A mask! MARLIN Read it! DORY I'm sorry, but if you could just bring it a little closer, I kind of need the light. That's great, keep it right there. MARLIN Just read it! DORY Okay, okay. Mr. Bossy. Uh, 'P'. Okay, 'P'. 'Shh-eer...Sher--P. Sher--P. Shirley? P.--'. Oh! The first line's 'P. Sherman'! MARLIN P. Sherman doesn't make any sense! DORY Okay, second line. '42'. MARLIN Don't eat me! Don't eat me! Aaaah! DORY Light, please. 'Walla--Walla--Walla-beee'... 22 MARLIN Waah! Waaah! Waaaah! DORY The second line's '42 Wallaby Way'! MARLIN That's great! Speed read! Take a guess! No pressure! No problem! There's a lot of pressure! Pressure! Take a guess now with pressure! DORY 'Sydney'. It's 'Sydney'! MARLIN Duck! DORY Aaah! MARLIN I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I died, I'm dead. MARLIN Whoo-hoo! [singing] We did it, we did it! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! No eating here tonight, whoo! BOTH [singing] Eating here tonight! MARLIN Dory. DORY [singing] No, no, no eating here tonight. You on a diet-- MARLIN Dory! What did the mask say? DORY 'P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney'. [gasps] I remember what it said! I usually forget things, but I remembered it this time! MARLIN Whoa, whoa, wait! Where is that? DORY I don't know. But who cares? I remembered! MARLIN/DORY Aaah! DORY P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. I remembered it again! ====================================================================================== JACQUES Psst. Nemo. NEMO Mmmm... JACQUES Nemo. NEMO Huh? JACQUES Suivez-moi. Follow me. BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE [chanting] Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hahoo! Wahoo! Yahoo! Ho! Ha! Ho! Wahee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hoo! GILL State your name. 23 NEMO Nemo. GILL Brother Bloat, proceed. BLOAT Nemo! Newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the summit of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us in the fraternal bonds of tankhood. NEMO Huh? PEACH We want you in our club, kid. NEMO Really? BLOAT If you are able to swim through..THE RING OF FIRE! [whispers to Jacques] Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire, you said you could do it--THE RING OF FIRE! BUBBLES Bubbles! Bubbles! Let me--oww! BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE [chanting] PEACH Isn't there another way? He's just a boy! JACQUES [wailing] GILL From this moment on, you will now be known as Sharkbait. BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh ha ha! GILL Welcome, brother Sharkbait! BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh ha ha! GILL Enough with the Sharkbait. GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh..ba-ba-doo. GILL Okay, Sharkbait's one of us now, agreed? BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Agreed! GILL We can't send him off to his death. Darla's coming in 5 days, so what are we gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do: we're gonna get him outta here. We're gonna help him escape. NEMO Escape? Really? GILL We're all gonna escape! GURGLE Gill, please, not another one of your escape plans. DEB Sorry, but they, they just, they never work. 24 BLOAT Yeah. Why should this be any different? GILL 'Cause we've got him. NEMO Me? GILL You see that filter? NEMO Yeah? GILL You're the only one who can get in and out of that thing. What we need you to do is take a pebble inside and jam the gears. You do that and this tank's gonna get filthier and filthier by the minute. Pretty soon, the dentist'll have to clean the tank himself. And when he does, he'll take us out of the tank, put us in the individual baggies, then we roll ourselves down the counter, out of the window, off the awning, into the bushes, across the street and into the harbor! It's foolproof! Who's with me? BLOAT Aye! JACQUES Aye! DEB Aye! BUBBLES Aye! GURGLE I think your nuts. GILL/NEMO [sighs] GURGLE No offense, kid, but, um..you're not the best swimmer. GILL He's fine, he can do this. So Sharkbait, what do you think? NEMO Let's do it. ====================================================================================== DORY I'm going to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Where are you going? I'm going to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. If you're askin' where I'm goin'. I'll tell you that's where I'm going. It's P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Where? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way... MARLIN Excuse me. Ex-excuse me, um, hi. Do you know how to get to--hello? W-w-w-wait! Can you tell me--hey! Hold it! Wait a minute! I'm trying to talk to you. Okay, fellas, come back here. Please, one quick question. I need to aaaaand they're gone again. [sighs] DORY P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Why do I have to tell you over and over again? I'll tell you again. I don't get tired of it-- MARLIN Okay, all right. DORY Huh? MARLIN Here's the thing. DORY 25 Uh-huh. MARLIN Y'know, I just, I-I think it's best if I just, if I just, carry on from here by..by myself. DORY Okay. MARLIN Y'know, alone. DORY Uh-huh. MARLIN Without, without..well, I mean, not without you. I mean, it's just that I don't want you... with me. DORY Huh? MARLIN I don't wanna hurt your feelings.. DORY You want me to leave? MARLIN Well, I mean not..yes, yeah. It's just that you know I-I just can't afford anymore delays and you're one of those fish that cause delays. And sometimes it's a good thing. There's a whole group of fish. They're..'delay fish'. DORY You mean..[whimper]you mean you don't..like me? [sobs] MARLIN No, of course I like you. It's because I like you I don't wanna be with you. It's a complicated emotion. Oh, don't cry. I like you. MOONFISH LEADER Hey, you! Lady, is this guy botherin' you? DORY Um, I don't remember. Were you? MARLIN No, no, no, no, no. We're just, we're..hey, do you guys know how I can get to-- MOONFISH LEADER Look, pal. We're talkin' to the lady, not you. Hey-hey, you like impressions? DORY Mm-mmm-mmmm. MOONFISH LEADER Okay. Just like in rehearsals, gentlemen. So, what are we? Take a guess. DORY Oh, oh, I've seen one of those. MOONFISH LEADER I'm a fish with a nose like a sword. DORY Wait, wait, um.. MARLIN It's a swordfish. MOONFISH LEADER Hey, clown boy! Let the lady guess. Where's the butter? DORY Oh-oh-oh! It's on the tip of my tongue. MARLIN [coughs up answer]Lobster. 26 MOONFISH LEADER Saw that. MARLIN What? MOONFISH LEADER Lots of legs, lives in the ocean. DORY Clam! MOONFISH LEADER Close enough. [singing] Oh, it's a whale of a tale, I'll tell you lad, a whale of a tale. DORY Oh, they're good. MARLIN Will somebody please give me directions? MOONFISH LEADER [impersonating Marlin] Will somebody please give me directions? DORY Ha ha ha ha ha! MARLIN I'm serious. MOONFISH LEADER Blah-blah-blah! Me-me-blah! Blah-blah-blah-blah-me-me-me! MARLIN Thank you. DORY Oh dear. Hey, hey come back! Hey, what's the matter? MARLIN What's the matter? While they're doing their silly little impressions, I am miles from home, with a fish that can't even remember her own name. DORY Boy, bet that's frustrating. MARLIN Yeah. Meanwhile my son is out there. DORY You're son Chico? MARLIN Nemo. DORY Right. Got it. MARLIN But it doesn't matter, 'cause no fish in this entire ocean is gonna help me. DORY Well, I'm helping you. Wait right here. Hey, guys. MOONFISH LEADER What, is he bothering you again? DORY No, no, he's a good guy. Go easy on him, he's lost his son, Fabio. Any of you heard of P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney? MOONFISH LEADER Sydney? Oh sure. Why, Ted here's got relatives in Sydney. Don't you, Ted? MOONFISH TED Sure do. 27 DORY Oh, hey! They know Sydney! MARLIN [gasps] DORY You wouldn't know how to get there, would you? MOONFISH LEADER What you wanna do is follow the EAC, that's the East Australian Current. Big current, can't miss it, it's in..that direction. And then you gotta follow that for about, I don't know, what do you guys think? About three leagues? And that little baby's gonna put you right past Sydney. MOONFISH SCHOOL TA-DAA! MARLIN Great! That's great! Dory, you did it! DORY Oh, please. I'm just your little helper. Helping along, that's me. MARLIN Well, listen fellas, thank you. MOONFISH LEADER Don't mention it. And, uh, loosen up. Okay, buddy? DORY Oh, you guys. You really nailed him. Bye. MOONFISH LEADER Oh, hey ma'am, one more thing. DORY Yes. MOONFISH LEADER When you come to this trench, swim through it, not over it. DORY Trench, through it, not over it. I'll remember. Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, wait up, partner. Hold on. Wait! Wait-wait! I got, I gotta tell you something..whoa. Nice trench. Hello! Okay, let's go. MARLIN Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're gonna swim over this thing. DORY Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag goin' up. Somethin's telling me we should swim through it, not over it. MARLIN Are you even looking at this thing? It's got death written all over it. DORY I'm sorry, but I really, really, really think we should swim through. MARLIN And I'm really, really done talking about this. Over we go. DORY Come on, trust me on this. MARLIN Trust you? DORY Yes, trust. It's what friends do. MARLIN Look! Something shiny! DORY 28 Where? MARLIN Oh, it just swam over the trench. Come on, we'll follow it. DORY Okay. DORY Boy, sure is clear up here. MARLIN Exactly. And look at that, there's the current. We should be there in no time. DORY Hey, little guy. MARLIN You wanted to go through the trench. DORY I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come here, Squishy. Come here, little Squishy. [Baby talk]---oww! MARLIN Dory! That's a jellyfish! DORY Bad Squishy! Bad Squishy! MARLIN Shoo! Shoo, shoo! Get away! Come here, let me see. DORY Don't touch it! Don't touch it! MARLIN I'm not gonna touch it. I just wanna look. DORY Heeey, how come it didn't sting you? MARLIN It did. It's just that.. DORY Ow! Ow, oww! MARLIN ..hold still. I live in this anemone and I'm, I'm, I'm used to these kind of stings. Come here. DORY Ow, ow! Oww! MARLIN It doesn't look bad, you're gonna be fine. But now we know, don't we? DORY Yeah. MARLIN That we don't wanna touch these again. Let's be thankful this time it was just a little one.[gasps] MARLIN/DORY Aaaah! MARLIN Don't move! This is bad, Dory. DORY Hey, watch this! Boing! Boing! MARLIN [gasps] Dory! 29 DORY Boing-boing-boing! [singing] You can't catch me! MARLIN Dory! Don't bounce on the tops! They will..not sting you. The tops don't sting you, that's it! DORY Ooh! Two in a row, beat that. MARLIN Dory! All right, listen to me. I have an idea, a game. DORY A game? MARLIN A game. DORY A game? MARLIN Yes. DORY Aah! I love games! Pick me! MARLIN All right, here's the game. Um, whoever can hop the fastest out of these jellyfish, wins. DORY Okay! MARLIN Rules, rules, rules! DORY Okay! MARLIN You can't touch the tentacles, only the tops. DORY Something about tentacles, got it. On your mark, get set, go! MARLIN W-wait! Wait! Not something about them, it's all about them! Wait! DORY Weeee! MARLIN Dory! DORY Gotta go faster if you wanna win! MARLIN [gasps] Dory! DORY Boing! Boing! Boing-boing-boing-boing! MARLIN Wait a minute--whoa! Dory! DORY Weeee! MARLIN So, we're cheating death now. That's what we're doin'. We're havin' fun at the same time. I can do this, just be careful. DORY Yeah, careful I don't make you cry when I win! 30 MARLIN Oh, I don't think so! DORY Ha ha ha ha! Whooo! Give it up, old man. You can't fight evolution, I was built for speed. MARLIN The question is, Dory, are you hungry? DORY Huh? Hungry? MARLIN Yeah, 'cause you're about to eat my bubbles! Duck to the left! Right there! The clownfish is the winner! Woohoo! We did it! We're gonna...Dory? Oh no. Dory! Dory! Dory! [gasps] Dory! Uggghhh! DORY Ugh...am I disqualified? MARLIN No, you're doing fine! You're, you're actually winning! But you gotta stay awake. Uh, where does P. Sherman live? DORY P..Sherman..Wallaby Way...Sydney... MARLIN That's it! Oww! Ow! Stay awake! Stay awake! Ow! Stay awake! Stay--awake! DORY Awake...P..Sherman.. MARLIN Awake... DORY ..42 Wallaby Way... MARLIN Awake...wake up...Nemo... ====================================================================================== GILL You miss your dad, don't you, Sharkbait? NEMO Yeah. GILL Well, you're lucky to have someone out there who's lookin' for you. NEMO He's not looking for me. He's scared of the ocean. GILL Peach, any movement? PEACH He's had at least four cups of coffee, it's gotta be soon. GILL Keep on him. GILL My first escape, landed on dental tools. I was aimin' for the toilet. NEMO Toilet? GILL All drains lead to the ocean, kid. NEMO Wow. How many times have you tried to get out? 31 GILL Aah, I've lost count. Fish aren't meant to be in a box, kid. It does things to 'ya. BUBBLES Bubbles! Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles--- PEACH Potty break! Potty break! He just grabbed the Reader's Digest! We have 4.2 minutes. GILL That's your cue, Sharkbait. BLOAT You can do it, kid. GILL Okay, you gotta be quick. Once you get in, you swim down to the bottom of the chamber and I'll talk you through the rest. NEMO Okay. GILL Go on, it'll be a piece of kelp. NEMO [takes a deep breath] GILL Nicely done! Can you hear me? NEMO Yeah. GILL Here comes the pebble. Now, do you see a small opening? NEMO Uh-huh. GILL Okay, inside it you'll see a rotating fan. Very carefully, wedge that pebble into the fan to stop it turning. NEMO Aaah! GILL Careful, Sharkbait. NEMO I can't do it! PEACH Gill, this isn't a good idea. GILL He'll be fine. Try again. NEMO Okay. GILL That's it, Sharkbait. Nice and steady. NEMO I got it! I got it! PEACH [sigh] BLOAT He did it! GURGLE Whew! 32 GILL That's great, kid! Now, swim up the tube and out. NEMO Oh no! Gill! Gill! GILL Sharkbait! BLOAT Oh my gosh! GILL Get 'im outta there! Get 'im outta there! BUBBLES Help him! GURGLE What do we do!? What do we do!? PEACH Oh no! GILL Stay calm, kid! Just don't panic! NEMO Help me! GILL Sharkbait! Grab hold of this! NEMO No! No! GILL Feed me more! GURGLE That's it! GILL Come on, Sharkbait! Grab it! NEMO I got it! GILL Pull! PEACH Gill, don't make him go back in there. GILL No. We're done. ====================================================================================== CRUSH Dude. MARLIN Ooh... CRUSH Dude. Focus, dude. Dude. MARLIN Ooooh... CRUSH Oh, he lives! Hey, dude! MARLIN Ooooh..what happened? 33 CRUSH Oh, saw the whole thing, dude. First you were like, 'whoa'! And then we were all like, 'whoa'! And then you were like, 'whoa'. MARLIN What're you talking about? CRUSH You, mini-man. Takin' on the jellies. You got serious thrill issues, dude. MARLIN Ooh. CRUSH Awesome. MARLIN Ooh..ooh, my stomach. Ooooh.. CRUSH Oh, man. No hurlin' on the shell, dude, okay, just waxed it. MARLIN So Mr. Turtle... CRUSH Whoa, dude. Mr. Turtle is my father. Name's Crush. MARLIN Crush? Really? Okay Crush, listen I need to get to the East Australian Current. EAC? CRUSH Ha ha ha, dude, ha ha, you're ridin' it, dude! Check it out! CRUSH Okay, grab shell, dude! MARLIN Grabbing--waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Whooooooaaaa!!! CRUSH Ha ha! Righteous! Righteous! Yeah! MARLIN Stop! CRUSH So, what brings you on this fine day to the EAC? MARLIN Well, Dory and I need to get to Sydney. [gasps] Dory! Dory! Is she all right!? CRUSH Oh. Oh, Little Blue. She is sub-level, dude. MARLIN Dory, Dory! Dory! DORY Hmm-mmm.... MARLIN Oh, Dory. I-I-I'm so sorry. This is all my fault, it's my fault... DORY ..29, 30! Ready or not, here I come! There you are! Catch me if you can! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! MARLIN Huh? SQUIRT Whoa! MARLIN [gasps] Oh my goodnes! 34 CRUSH Whoa. Kill the motor, dude. Let us see what Squirt does flying solo. SQUIRT Whoa! Whoa! That was so cool! Hey dad, did you see that? Did you see me? Did you see what I did? CRUSH You so totally rock, Squirt! So give me some fin..noggin.. CRUSH/SQUIRT ..dude! CRUSH Oh, intro. Jellyman, Offspring. Offspring, Jellyman. SQUIRT Jellies? Sweet. CRUSH Totally. MARLIN Well, apparently, I must've done something you all like. Heh, uh, dudes. SQUIRT You rock, dude. MARLIN Ow. CRUSH Curl away, my son. Aw, it's awesome, Jellyman. Little dudes are just eggs, leave 'em on the beach to hatch, then coo-coo-ca-choo, they find their way back to the big 'ol blue. MARLIN All by themselves? CRUSH Yeah. MARLIN But-but-but dude, how do you know when they're ready? CRUSH Well, you never really know. But when they'll know, you'll know, you know? Ha. DORY Hey! Look, everybody! SQUIRT I know that dude. It's the Jellyman. DORY Well, go on, jump on him. TURTLE KIDS Turtle pile! MARLIN W-w-wai-wait-- TURTLE KID 1 Are you funny? TURTLE KID 2 Where's your shell? MARLIN Hold on, I need to breath-- TURTLE KID 3 Are you running away? TURTLE KID 4 Did you really cross the jellyfish forest? 35 TURTLE KID 5 Did they sting you? MARLIN One at a time! TURTLE KID 6 Mr. Fish, did you die? DORY Sorry. I was a little vague on the details. SQUIRT So where are you going? MARLIN Well, you see my son was taken. My son was taken away from me. TURTLE KIDS [gasp] DORY No way. SQUIRT What happened? MARLIN No, no, no, kids. I don't wanna talk about it. TURTLE KIDS Awww! Please? SQUIRT Pleeeease? MARLIN [sighs] Well, okay. I live on this reef, a long long way from here. DORY Oh, boy. This is gonna be good, I can tell. MARLIN And my son, Nemo, see he was mad at me. And maybe he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so tough on him, I don't know. Anyway, he swam out in the open water to this boat and when he was out there, these divers appeared and I tried to stop them but the boat was too fast. So we swam out in the ocean to follow them... TURTLE KID They couldn't stop them. And then Nemo's dad, he swims out to the ocean and they bump into.. SMALL FISH ..three ferocious sharks! He scares away the sharks by blowin' them up! BIG FISH Golly, that's amazing! SMALL FISH And then dives thousands of.. LOBSTER ..feet straight down into the dark. It's like wicked dark down there, you can see a thing. How's it goin', Bob? And the only thing that they can see down there.. SWORDFISH ..is the light from this big horrible creature with razor sharp teeth. Nice parry, old man. And then he has to blast his way... DOLPHIN So, these two little fish have been..searching the ocean for days. On the East Australian Current. FEMALE BIRD Which means that he may be on his way here right now. That should put them in Sydney.. MALE BIRD 1 ..Harbor in a matter of days. I mean, it sounds like this guy's gonna stop at.. 36 MALE BIRD 2 ..nothing until he finds his son. I sure hope he makes it. MALE BIRD 3 That's one dedicated father if you ask me. GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! NIGEL Oh, would you just shut up! You're rats with wings! PELICAN ..bloke's been lookin' for his boy Nemo. NIGEL Nemo? PELICAN He was taken off the reef by divers and this.. NIGEL There, take it! You happy! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! NIGEL Hey, hey, hey! Say that again! You said something about Nemo. What was it? GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! CRAB Whooooooaaa..watcha! GULL Mine! PELICAN Last I heard, he's headin' towards the harbor. NIGEL Ho ho! Brilliant! ====================================================================================== NEMO [sighs] DEB Is he doing okay? GURGLE I don't know, but whatever you do, don't mention D-A-R.. NEMO It's okay, I know who you're talking about. NEMO Gill? Gill? GILL Hey, Sharkbait. NEMO I'm sorry I couldn't stop the-- GILL No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I was so ready to get out, so ready to taste that ocean. I was willing to put you in harm's way to get there. Nothing should be worth that. I'm sorry I couldn't get you back to your father, kid. NIGEL All right! Hey, hey, hey, hey--! 37 DENTIST What the!? PATIENT AAAAAAAAAH!!! Oooooh... DENTIST Well, uh, that's one way to pull a tooth. He he he he he! Huh, darn kids. Well, good thing I pulled the right one, eh, prime minister? He he he he! NIGEL Hey, hey. Psst! PEACH Oh, Nigel. You just missed an extraction. NIGEL Ooh! Has he loosened the periodontal ligament yet--oh, what I'm talkin' about!? Nemo! Where's Nemo? I gotta speak with him. NEMO What? What is it? NIGEL Your dad's been fighting the entire ocean looking for you. NEMO My father? Really? GILL Really? NIGEL Oh yeah. He's travelled hundreds of miles. He's been battling sharks and jellyfish and all sorts of-- NEMO Sharks? That can't be him. NIGEL Are you sure? What was his name? Some sort of sportfish or something: tuna, uh, trout.. NEMO Marlin? NIGEL That's it! Marlin! The little clownfish from the reef. NEMO It's my dad! He took on a shark! NIGEL I heard he took on three. DEB/BLOAT/GURGLE Three!? GILL Three sharks!? BLOAT That's gotta be forty eight hundred teeth! NIGEL You see, kid, after you were taken by diver Dan over there, your dad followed the boat you were on like a maniac. NEMO Really? NIGEL He's swimming and he's swimming and he's giving it all he's got and then three gigantic sharks capture him and he blows them up! And then dives thousands of feet and gets chased by a monster with huge teeth! He ties this demon to a rock and what does he get for a reward? He gets to battle an entire jellyfish forest! And now he's riding with a bunch of sea turtles on the East Australian Current and the word is he's headed this way right now, to Sydney! 38 BLOAT Wow! Ha ha ha! DEB Oh, what a good daddy! GILL He was lookin' for you after all, Sharkbait. GILL [gasps] GURGLE He's swimming to the filter! GILL [gasps] Sharkbait! BLOAT Not again! GILL Sharkbait! DEB No! GURGLE You've got your whole life ahead of you! BLOAT Oh no! GILL We'll help you, kid! BLOAT Gotta get him out! DEB Gimme that thing! DEB Get him outta there! GURGLE Come on, kid! Grab the end! ALL [gasps] DEB Sharkbait! BLOAT Sharkbait! Are you okay!? GURGLE No! GILL Can you hear me, Sharkbait!? Nemo! Can you hear me!? NEMO Yeah, I can hear you. GILL Sharkbait, you did it! GURGLE Sharkbait, you're--covered with germs! Aaaaaaah!!! GILL That took guts, kid. GILL 39 All right, gang. We have less than 48 hours before Darla gets here. This tank'll get plenty dirty in that time but we have to help it along any way we can. Jacques! JACQUES Oui! GILL No cleaning. JACQUES I shall resist. GILL Everybody else, be as gross as possible. Think dirty thoughts. We're gonna make this tank so filthy, the dentist'll have to clean it. BLOAT [belch] GILL Good work. NEMO Ha ha ha ha! ====================================================================================== CRUSH All right, we're here, dudes! Get ready! Your exit's comin' up, man! MARLIN Where!? I don't see it! DORY Right there! I see it! I see it! MARLIN You mean the swirling vortex of terror!? CRUSH That's it, dude! MARLIN Of course it is. CRUSH Okay, first: find your exit buddy! CRUSH Do you have your exit buddy? DORY Yes! CRUSH Okay, Squirt here will now give you a rundown of proper exiting technique! SQUIRT Good afternoon, we're gonna have a great jump today! Okay, crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall! There's a screaming bottom turn, so watch out! Remember: rip it, roll it and punch it! MARLIN It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it! You know, you're really cute! But I don't know what you're saying! Say the first thing again! CRUSH Okay, Jellyman! Go, go, go, go, go, go! MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaaaah!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!! Whoooooooooooaaaaa!!! Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! Woohoooo!!! Whoooooaaa!!! DORY Whoooo! MARLIN 40 Ha ha ha ha! That was..fun! Ha ha! I actually enjoyed that! DORY Hey, look! Turtles! CRUSH Ha ha! Most excellent! Now, turn your fishy tails 'round and swim straight on through to Sydney! No worries, man! MARLIN No worries! Thank you, dude Crush! TURTLE KIDS Bye! Bye, Jellyman! CRUSH You tell your little dude I said 'hi', okay? SQUIRT See you later, dudes! DORY Bye, everyone! MARLIN Oh, Nemo would've loved this. Hey, ooh! Hey, Crush! Crush, I forgot! How old are you? CRUSH Hundred and fifty, dude! And still young! Rock on! MARLIN Hundred and fifty! Hundred and fifty, I gotta remember that. DORY Whoa. We goin' in there? MARLIN Yup. DORY P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney? MARLIN Yup. We're gonna just swim straight. DORY [singing] Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. MARLIN Dory? ====================================================================================== MARLIN Boy, this is taking a while. DORY Hey, how about we play a game? MARLIN Okay. DORY Uh, okay. I'm thinking of something, uh, orange. And it's small.. MARLIN It's me. DORY Right. Okay.. DORY ..orange, and uh, small.. MARLIN It's me. 41 DORY All righty, Mr. Smarty Pants. DORY ..orange and small, and white stripes.. MARLIN Me. And the next one's just a guess: me. DORY Okay, that's just scary. MARLIN W-w-wait, I have definitely seen this floating speck before. That means we've passed it before and that means we're going in circles and that means we're not going straight! DORY Hey. Hey! MARLIN We gotta get to the surface, come on! Let's figure it out up there. Let's go! Follow me! Wha--? DORY Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Relax. Take a deep breath. Now, let's ask somebody for directions. MARLIN Oh, fine. Who do you wanna ask, the speck? There's nobody here! DORY Well, there has to be someone. It's the ocean, silly, we're not the only two in here. Let's see...okay, no one there. Uhh, nope. Nada. [gasps] There's somebody. Hey! Excuse-- MARLIN Dory! Dory! Dory! Okay, now it's my turn. I'm thinking of something dark and mysterious. It's a fish we don't know. And if we ask it directions, it could ingest us and spit out our bones! DORY What is it with men and asking for directions? MARLIN Look, I don't wanna play the gender card right now. You wanna play a card? Let's play the 'Let's Not Die' card. DORY You wanna get outta here, don't you? MARLIN Of course, I do. DORY Well then, how are we gonna do that unless we give it a shot and hope for the best? Hmmm? Hmmmm!? Come on, trust me on this. MARLIN All right. DORY Excuse me! Woohoo! Little fella? Hello. Don't be rude, say 'hi'. MARLIN Ha..hello. DORY His son Bingo.. MARLIN Nemo. DORY ..Nemo, was taken to, uh.. MARLIN Sydney. DORY 42 Sydney. Yes. And it's really, really important that we get there as fast as we can. So can you help us out? Come on, little fella. Come on. MARLIN Dory, I'm a little fella. I don't think that's a little fella. DORY Oh. Oh, oh, big fella. Big fe--whale. Okay. Maybe he only speaks whale. MOOOOO-WEEEEEEE-NEEEEED... MARLIN Uh, Dory..what're you doing? DORY TOOOOOOO-FIIIIIIND... MARLIN What're you doing? DORY HIS-SOOOOOOOOOOOON... MARLIN Are you sure you speak whale? DORY CAN-YOOOOOOOUUU-GIIIIIIIIIVE-USSSS-DIRECTIOOOOOOOONS-TOOOOOOOOO... MARLIN Dory! Heaven knows what you're saying! See, he's swimming away. DORY COOOME-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! MARLIN He's not coming back. You offended him. DORY Maybe a different dialect. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA..! MARLIN Dory. Dory, this is not whale. You're speaking like..upset stomach. DORY Maybe I should try humpback. MARLIN No, don't try humpback. DORY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOO!!! WAAAAAAAAAOOOOOO!!! MARLIN Okay, you actually sound sick. DORY Maybe louder, huh? RAAAH!!! RAAAAH!!! MARLIN Don't do that! DORY Too much orca. Didn't it sound a little orca-ish? MARLIN It doesn't sound orca! It sounds like nothing I've ever heard! DORY MOOOO..MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MARLIN It's just as well, he might be hungry. DORY Don't worry. Whales don't eat clownfish, they eat krill. KRILL 43 Swim away! DORY Oh, look. Krill. MARLIN Move, Dory! Move! DORY Aah-aaah! Aaaaaaaaaah! ====================================================================================== GILL Look at that. Would you look at that? Filthy. Absolutely filthy. And it's all thanks to you, kid. You made it possible. Jacques, I said no cleaning! JACQUES I am ashamed. PEACH Hey, look. Scum angel. GURGLE Aah! Aaaah! Ooh-ooh! Aaaaah! BUBBLES Bubbles! I love the bubbles--! [coughs] DEB Flo! Flo! Has anybody seen Flo? Flo! PEACH Nine o' clock and cue dentist. DENTIST Hello, Barbara. Sorry I'm late. PEACH Okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go, okay. DENTIST Little Davey Reynolds. PEACH Okay. Walks to the counter, drops the keys.. GURGLE Bloat, that's disgusting! BLOAT Tastes pretty good to me. [belch] GURGLE Eww! Don't you people realize we are swimming in our own-- PEACH Shhh! Here he comes. DENTIST Crikey, what a state. Oh. Barbara, what's my earliest appointment tomorrow? BARBARA Uh, ten 'o clock, luv. DENTIST Leave it open, would you? I gotta clean the fish tank before Darla gets here. GILL He he! Did you hear that, Sharkbait? NEMO Yay! He's gonna clean the tank! He's gonna clean the tank! We're gonna be clean! GILL Are you ready to see your dad, kid? 44 NEMO Uh-huh. GILL Of course you are. Y'know, I wouldn't be surprised if he's out there in the harbor waitin' for you right now. NEMO Yeah. ====================================================================================== MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Ooof! DORY Ha~~haaa~~haaaaaaah! Whooo! MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaah! DORY Here comes a big one--whooooooo! Come on, you gotta try this! MARLIN Would you just stop it!? DORY Why? What's wrong? MARLIN We're in a whale! Don't you get it!? DORY A whale? MARLIN A whale! 'Cause you had to ask for help! And now we're stuck here! DORY Wow. A whale. You know I speak whale. MARLIN No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! I have to find my son! I have to tell him how old sea turtles are! [sobs] DORY Woo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo! Hey. You okay? DORY There, there. It's all right. It'll be okay. MARLIN No. No, it won't. DORY Sure it will, you'll see. MARLIN No. I promised him I'd never let anything happen to him. DORY Huh. That's a funny thing to promise. MARLIN What? DORY Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo. DORY Hmm.. MARLIN What's going on? 45 DORY I don't know. I'll ask him. MMMWWHAAAAAAAAA! HUUUWHAAAAAAAAA.. MARLIN Dory. Dory. MARLIN ..AAAAAAAAAAT'SSS-GOOIIIIIIING.. MARLIN Dory. DORY ..OOOOOOOOONNN? DORY I think he says we've stopped. MARLIN Of course, we've stopped. Just stop trying to speak whale, you're gonna make things worse. [gasps] What is that noise? Oh no. Look what you did. The water's going down! It's-it's-it's going down! DORY Really? You sure about that? MARLIN Look, it's already half-empty! DORY Hmm..I'd say it's half full. MARLIN Stop that! It's half-empty! DORY Okay, that one was a little tougher. He either said we should go to the back of the throat or he wants a root beer float. MARLIN Of course he wants us to go there! That's eating us! How do I taste, Moby!? Huh!? Do I taste good!? You tell him I'm not interested in being lunch! DORY Okay. HEEEEEEEEE-- MARLIN Stop talking to him--waaaah! DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! MARLIN What is going on!? DORY I'll check! WHAAAAAAA--! MARLIN No! No more whale! You can't speak whale! DORY Yes, I can! MARLIN No, you can't! You think you could do these things but you can't, Nemo! DORY Okay. MARLIN Dory! DORY He says it's time to let go! Everything's gonna be all right! MARLIN 46 How do you know!? How do you know something bad isn't gonna happen!? DORY I don't! MARLIN/DORY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! MARLIN Ha ha ha! We're alive! DORY Look! Sy-d-ney..Sydney! Uh, Sydney! Sydney again! MARLIN You were right, Dory! We made it! We're gonna find my son! MARLIN THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU-SIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! DORY Wow. I wish I could speak whale. MARLIN Okay. All we gotta do is find the boat that took him. DORY Right! MARLIN Come on, Dory. We can do this! ====================================================================================== PEACH [yawn] Morning. [gasps] It's morning, everyone! Today's the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean and we are getting out of--[gasps]--the tank is clean. The tank is clean! DEB But how? GILL Boss must've installed it last night while we were sleepin'. NEMO What're we gonna do? GILL What's it say, Peach? PEACH [muffled] The AquaScum two-thousand.. GILL I can't hear you, Peach. PEACH 'The AquaScum 2003 is an all-purpose, self-cleaning maintenance free salt water purifier that is guaranteed to even extend the life of your aquarium fish'. BLOAT [inflates] Stop it! PEACH 'The AquaScum is programmed to scan your tank environment every 5 minutes'? GURGLE Scan? What does that mean? GURGLE Aaah! AQUASCUM Temperature: 82 degrees. PH balance: normal. ALL Oooooh. 47 PEACH Nice. GURGLE Ooh..ah..curse you, AquaScum! BLOAT That's it for the escape plan. It's ruined! NEMO Then what're we gonna do about-- ALL [gasps] Darla! GILL Stay down, kid! BLOAT False alarm. GURGLE My nerves can't take much more of this. BLOAT What're we gonna do when that little brat gets here? GILL I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'. NEMO Aaah! Oh! Gill! GILL [gasps] Nemo! NEMO Help me! Help me! GILL Hold on! I'm comin'! NEMO Help me! GILL Swim down! Come on, kid! Swim down! Come on! BLOAT Everybody jump in! DEB Swim down! GILL That's it! DENTIST What the!? ALL Yay! GILL Good work! NEMO Gill! GILL [gasps] Nemo! BLOAT Sharkbait! GILL 48 Roll, kid! Lean! Lean! DENTIST Whoops. That would've been a nasty fall. NEMO Gill! Don't let me go belly up! GILL Just calm down, Nemo. NEMO Don't let me go belly up! GILL You won't go belly up, I promise. You're gonna be okay. ALL [gasps] Darla! ====================================================================================== DORY All right, do any of these boats look familiar to you? MARLIN No, but the boat has to be here somewhere! Come on, Dory, we're gonna find it. DORY I'm totally excited. [yawn] Are you excited? [yawn] MARLIN Dory, wake up, wake up. Come on. DORY [gasps] Duck! MARLIN That's not a duck. It's a--pelican! Whooooaaaaah! DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MARLIN No! I didn't come this far to be breakfast! PELICAN Hey, hey, Nigel. Heh, would you look at that? NIGEL Huh? Wha-what? PELICAN Sun's barely up and already Gerald's had more than he can handle. NIGEL Yeah. Reckon somebody oughta help the poor guy. PELICANS Yeah, yeah, right. NIGEL Well, don't everybody fly off at once. NIGEL All right, Gerald, what is it? Fish got your tongue? DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! NIGEL Love a duck! MARLIN I gotta find my son Nemo! NIGEL 49 [gasps] Nemo? Hey, hey, hey! He's that fish! Y'know the one we were talking about! The one that's been fighting the whole ocean! Hey, I know where your son i--huh? Hey, wait! Come back! Stop! MARLIN Dory, keep going! He's crazy! NIGEL I got something to tell 'ya! GULL Mine. NIGEL Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth if you want to live. MARLIN Hop in your mouth, huh? And how does that make me live? GULL Mine. NIGEL Because I can take you to your son. MARLIN Yeah, right. NIGEL No. I know your son. He's orange, he's got a gimpy fin on one side.. MARLIN That's Nemo! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! NIGEL Fasten your seatbelts! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! DORY Whoooooo! Woohooooo! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! DORY Ha-haaaa! Ha ha ha ha! MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! NIGEL Everybody hold on! MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! ====================================================================================== BUBBLES Aaaah! Too loud! Too loud for me! DARLA [singing] Twinkle, twinkle little star. PEACH Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place! 50 BARBARA Darla, you're uncle will see you now. DENTIST All right, let's see those pearly whites. DARLA RAAAH! I'm a piranha. They're in the Amazon. DENTIST And a piranha's a fish, just like your present. DARLA [giggling] I get a fishy! Fishy, fishy, fishy! DENTIST Oh no. Poor little guy. BLOAT He's dead! GILL Sharkbait! DARLA Yay! Fishy, fishy, fishy! DENTIST He he he! Must've left your present in the car, sweetie. Ha ha ha ha ha! DARLA Awwwww. DENTIST I'll go and get it. GILL [gasps] He's still alive! PEACH He's not dead! BLOAT What's happening? Why is he playing dead? GILL He's gonna get flushed down the toilet! He's gonna get outta here! DEB Yay! BLOAT He's gonna get flushed! GURGLE What a smart little guy! GILL Oh no, not the trash can! BUBBLES Nemo! No! NIGEL Hey! Hey! I found his dad! MARLIN Where's Nemo!? Where is he!? BLOAT Dentist! Dentist! GILL He's over there! MARLIN 51 What's a dentist!? What is that!? [gasps] Nigel, get in there! NIGEL I can't go in there. MARLIN Oh yes, you can! Charge! DARLA Aaaaaaaaaaaah! DENTIST What the--!? Darla, sweetie! Look out! DARLA Aaaaaaaah! DENTIST Hold still! DARLA Aaaaaaaah! DENTIST Easy! Easy! DARLA Aaaaaaaah! DENTIST Hold still! Nobody's going to hurt you! Oof! MARLIN [gasps] Nemo. DORY [gasps] Oh my goodness. DENTIST Gotcha! Keep down! MARLIN Nemo! NEMO Daddy? DENTIST Out with 'ya! And stay out! NEMO Daddy!? DARLA Fishy? Fishy! Wake up! Wake up! DEB Oh no! GILL Quick! To the top of Mt. Wannahockaloogie! DARLA Why are you sleeping!? PEACH Hurry! GILL Bloat! Ring of Fire! DARLA Fishy--aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaah! DENTIST What!? All the animals have gone mad! 52 DARLA Aaaaaaaah! Get it out! GURGLE Smack her in the head! BLOAT Go, Gill! Go! DARLA Fish in my hair! Aaaaaaaah! NEMO Gill. GILL Sharkbait. Tell your dad..I said..hi. Go get 'em. DENTIST Ooooh. [gasps] BLOAT He did it! Ha ha! DEB Yay! BUBBLES I'm so happy! GURGLE Is he gonna be okay, Gill? GILL Don't worry. All drains lead to the ocean. DARLA Fishy! NEMO Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Daddy! ====================================================================================== NIGEL I'm, I'm so sorry. Truly, I am. DORY Hey.. MARLIN Dory. If it wasn't for you, I never even would have made it here. So, thank you. DORY Hey! Hey, wait a minute. W-w-wait! Where are you going? MARLIN It's over, Dory. We were too late. Nemo's gone and I'm going home now. DORY No..no, you can't! Stop! Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave, if you leave...I just, I remember things better with you. I do. Look, P. Sherman, 42..40..2..agh! I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I, I look at you and...I'm home. Please. I don't want them to go away. I don't wanna forget. MARLIN I'm sorry, Dory, but I do. ====================================================================================== CRAB 1 Manna from heavens! CRAB 2 Sweet nectar of life! 53 CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey! Hey! CRAB 1 This is our spot! CRAB 2 Go on! Get outta here! CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey, hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! CRAB 1 Yeah, that's it fella! Just keep on swimmin', you got that! CRAB 2 Too right, mate! Oh, Oh! I got a live one here! NEMO Hey, have you seen my dad? CRAB 2 Gotcha! Hey! Hey! Come back here! CRAB 1 You let 'im go! CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey, hey! NEMO Dad! Dad! Dad! DORY Aah! No! NEMO Um, excuse me. Are you all right? DORY I don't know where I am! I don't know what's going on, I think I lost somebody but I, I can't remember. NEMO It's okay, it's okay. I'm looking for someone too. Hey, we can look together. DORY I'm Dory. NEMO I'm Nemo. DORY Nemo? That's a nice name. ====================================================================================== NEMO Dad! DORY Dad! NEMO Dad! DORY Dad! Wait a minute, is it your dad or my dad? NEMO My dad. DORY Got it. Dad! NEMO Where are we, anyway? 54 DORY Dad! Dad! Oh. S-ss-syl--shi--Sydney. [gasps] 'P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney'. DORY Aaaaah! Nemo! It's you! Aaaaaah! You're Nemo! NEMO [muffled] Yes! Yes! I'm Nemo! DORY Oh! You're Nemo! [gasps] You were dead! I saw you! And then I--[gasps], here you are! I found you! You're not dead! And your father--[gasps]! Your father! NEMO My father!? You know my father!? Where is he!? DORY [gasps] This way! He went this way! Quick! DORY Hey! Hey, hey! Hey! CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey, hey! DORY Hey! Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like him! NEMO But bigger! CRAB 2 Yeah, I saw 'im, bluey! But I'm not tellin' you where he went. And there's no way you're gonna make me! GULL Mine. CRAB Huh!? Aaaah! All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds! Aaaaah! GULLS Mine!Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! ====================================================================================== FISH Hey! Look out! MARLIN Sorry. Just trying to get home. NEMO Dad! Dad! MARLIN Nemo? NEMO Daddy! MARLIN Nemo? NEMO Dad! DORY Nemo's alive! MARLIN Dory? [gasps] Nemo! NEMO Daddy! 55 MARLIN Nemo! I'm coming, Nemo! NEMO Dad! MARLIN Nemo! NEMO Dad! MARLIN Oh, thank goodness! It's all right, son. It's gonna be okay. FISH Turn around! You're going the wrong way! Aaaaaaaaaaah! DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Look out! MARLIN Move! Move! FISH Aaaaaaaaaaaah! DORY Help! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! MARLIN Dory! NEMO Come on! DORY Heeeeeeeelp!!! Help! NEMO Dory! DORY Help! Get us out! Aaaaaaaah! MARLIN No, no, no! No! Dory! NEMO Dad! I know what to do! MARLIN Nemo! No! NEMO We have to tell all the fish to swim down together! MARLIN Get out of there, now! NEMO I know this will work! MARLIN No, I am not gonna lose you again! NEMO Dad, there's no time! It's the only way we can save Dory! I can do this! MARLIN You're right. I know you can. NEMO Lucky fin! MARLIN Now go! Hurry! 56 NEMO Tell all of the fish to swim down! MARLIN Well!? You heard my son! Come on! NEMO Dory! DORY [gasps] NEMO You have to tell everybody to.. MARLIN ..swim down together! Do you understand what I'm saying to you!? Swim down! DORY Everybody swim down! NEMO Come on! You have to swim down! DORY Swim down, okay? NEMO Swim.. MARLIN down! Swim down! Swim down! Swim down! MARLIN Don't give up! Keep swimming! Just keep swimming! NEMO It's working! FISH Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! MARLIN Just keep swimming! Keep swimming! NEMO Come on, dad! MARLIN You're doing great, son! NEMO That's my dad! MARLIN Come on! Let's get to the bottom! Keep swimming! DORY [singing] Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. MARLIN Almost there! Keep swimming! FISH Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Yay! MARLIN Oww! DORY Hey! MARLIN Dory! Where's Nemo!? DORY 57 [gasps] There! MARLIN Oh no. Nemo! MARLIN Nemo? Nemo? It's okay. Daddy's here, daddy's got you. NEMO [coughs] Daddy? MARLIN Oh, thank goodness. NEMO Dad...I don't hate you. MARLIN No, no, no. I'm so sorry, Nemo. MARLIN Hey, guess what? NEMO What? MARLIN Sea turtles? I met one! And he was a hundred and fifty years old. NEMO Hundred and fifty? MARLIN Yep. NEMO 'Cause Sandy Plankton said they only live to be a hundred. MARLIN Sandy Plankton? Do you think I would cross the entire ocean and not know as much as Sandy Plankton!? NEMO Ha ha ha ha! MARLIN He was a hundred and fifty! Not one hundred! Who is this Sandy Plankton who knows everything? ====================================================================================== MARLIN Time for school! Time for school! Get up! Let's go! Go! MARLIN I'm gonna win! NEMO No, you're not! I did it! Woohoo! Ha ha ha! MARLIN Oh! My own son beats me! MR. RAY Climb aboard, explorers! MARLIN So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says : 'with fronds like these, who needs anemones?'! BOB/TED/BILL Haaa-ha ha ha ha ha ha! MR. RAY Well, hello, Nemo! Who's this? NEMO Exchange student. 58 SQUIRT I'm from the EAC, dude! MR. RAY Sweet. NEMO/SQUIRT Totally. BOB But seriously, Marty, did you really do all the things you say you did? BRUCE Uh, pardon me. BOB/TED/BILL [gasps] BRUCE Hello. TED Ohh! BRUCE Don't be alarmed. ANCHOR Oh, we just wanna make sure that our newest member got home safe. DORY Thanks, guys. BRUCE Well, we'll see you next week. CHUM Keep up with the program, Dory. ANCHOR Remember: fish are friends.. DORY ..not food! Bye! MR. RAY Hold on! Here we go! Next up, knowledge! MARLIN Bye, son! Have fun! NEMO Bye, dad! Oh! Oh, Mr. Ray! Wait. I forgot something. NEMO Love you, dad. MARLIN I love you too, son. NEMO Uh, dad, you can let go now. MARLIN Sorry! Now go have an adventure! SQUIRT Goodbye! See you later, dudes! DORY Bye, Elmo! MARLIN Nemo. DORY 59 Nemo! Bye, Nemo! NEMO See you after school, Dory! Bye, dad! MARLIN Bye, son. ====================================================================================== DENTIST Barbara? BARBARA Uh-huh? DENTIST I don't understand it. Here this thing has a lifetime guarantee and it breaks! Had to clean the tank myself, take all the fish out, put 'em in bags and---where'd the fish go? GILL Come on, Peach! DEB Hurry! GILL You can do it! BLOAT Yeah, that's it! You can do it! GURGLE Just a little further! PEACH That's the shortest red light I've ever seen! BLOAT Come on, Peach! PEACH Oooh--aaaaah! ALL Yay! We did it! Ha ha ha ha ha! BLOAT Now what? ###################################################################################### # FINDING NEMO, and all related media, characters, and stories # # are copyright 2003 Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios. # # The transcript below contains parts of a screenplay written by Andrew Stanton, # # Bob Peterson and David Reynolds. This transcript is provided for fans' enjoyment # # and reference and does not intend copyright infringement. The entire content of # # this transcript is property of Andrew Stanton, Bob Peterson and David Reynolds, # # Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios. # # No claim is lain on the ownership of the words contained within this transcript # # on the part of BaD_BURN. # # # # GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. RETAIN THIS COMMENT BLOCK. # # # # The transcript is intended for teaching /educational purposes only. It falls under # # the U.S. Code 17/Sec. 107 - Limitations on exclusive rights: 'Fair Use'. # # Notwithstanding the provisions of sections 106 and 106A, the fair use of a # # copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or # # by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, # # comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), # # scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright. # ###################################################################################### 60 61 62

Fletch - by Phil Alden Robinson from a draft by Andrew Bergman. May 4, 1986 draft May 4, 1986 PRODUCERS:PETER DOUGLAS ALAN GREISMAN DIRECTOR:MICHAEL RITCHIE FLETCH Final Draft Screenplay by PHIL ALDEN ROBINSON From a Draft by ANDREW BERGMAN Based on the novel by GREGORY MC DONALD FLETCH FADE IN EXT.CALIFORNIA BEACH – DAY 1Seagulls squawk, and the waves pound, but we’re not talking about Malibu Colony, here. This is a fairly rundown beach area, catering to lower-echelon surfers, vagrants, and strung out druggies of all ages, several of whom stand or sit on their haunches by a dilapidated old hamburger stand. Over the stand is a faded sign: "FAT SAM’S HAMBURGERS". A simple but haunting electronic melody plays in the b.g. INT. "FAT SAM’S" – DAY 2Seated just inside the stand on a folding aluminum chair is a chubby man in his late thirties. He’s wearing a stained valor sweat suit and a cap. This is Fat Sam. He’s a dealer. Seated on the sand next to him is Fletch, a rangy man, early thirties, in jeans and a Magic Johnson T-shirt, nodding idly on a battered Casio music machine which he treats lovingly. This is the source of the title music. FLETCH So what do you figure? FAT SAM No idea. FLETCH No idea at all? FAT SAM Okay. Some idea. FLETCH Like when? FAT SAM Like tonight. FLETCH For sure? FAT SAM No, not for sure. When it comes, it comes. You gonna want some $hit? FLETCH I think I’d rather have drugs. CONTINUED FAT SAM (shakes head and smiles) Fletch… FLETCH Sorry. I find a little humor really brightens things up around here, don’t you? A young junkie with a black eye – Gummy – passes. GUMMY Hi Sam. Hi Fletch. FLETCH Hi Gummy. How’s the eye? GUMMY It’s okay. The cops did it. FLETCH I know. GUMMY They busted me last week. FLETCH They bust you every week. GUMMY I know. I got bad luck or something. Gummy exits. Fletch and Fat Sam watch him go. FLETCH That kid spends any more time in jail He’ll have to start paying rent. WIDER ANGLE THROUGH BINOCULARS Fat Sam and Fletch conclude their conversation. Fletch walks back among the drifters, the nervous, expectant junkies. He stops to talk to a young man propped up on his elbows on a towel. Creasy. 4 CREASY AND FLETCH FLETCH Maybe tonight? CREASY Whaddyamean 'maybe'? FLETCH That's what he said. CREASY (getting desperate) He doesn't know? How come he doesn't know? FLETCH I don't know how he doesn't know. He doesn't know. CREASY Sonofabitch. FLETCH Wonder who his supplier is. CREASY I have no idea. FLETCH I wasn't asking. CREASY He never leaves the beach, Fat Sam. Never leaves. Sits in that chair, he's outta junk. Then he suddenly gets up, he's got junk. So where does it come from? Through the sand? FLETCH I think that's highly unlikely, Creasy. CREASY (rolls over) I ought to get some sleep. FLETCH Creasy, how old are you? CREASY Nineteen. FLETCH (a touch of sadness) You're not taking real good care of yourself. 5 WIDER - BINOCULARS AGAIN ---Fletch takes his Casio and starts off the beach. The binocular angle follows ---him. A pelican crosses the water. The binoculars move off Fletch and ---follow the flight of the pelican as it swoops low over the ocean. 6 BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY ---Fletch emerges into view, walking towards camera, when a Man steps into the ---immediate f.g., the binoculars at his side large in frame. Fletch Stops. MAN Excuse me. I have something I'd like to discuss with you. FLETCH What? 7 REVERSE ---A trim man of approximately Fletch's age, wearing a perfectly tailored grey ---suit, is standing across from Fletch. This is Alan Stanwyk. STANWYK We can't talk about it here. 8 MASTER FLETCH Why not? STANWYK Because we can't. FLETCH Are you on a scavenger hunt of some kind? STANWYK I want you to come to my house. Then we'll talk. FLETCH I think you've got the wrong gal, fella. STANWYK I'll give you a thousand dollars cash just to come to my house and listen to the proposition. If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand, and your mouth shut. FLETCH Will this proposition entail my dressing up as Tina Turner? STANWYK (unsmiling, all business) It is nothing of a sexual nature I assure you. (Takes a thousand in cash from his pocket) One thousand, just to listen.I don't see how you could turn that down Mr... FLETCH Nugent. Ted Nugent. STANWYK (shakes his hand) Alan Stanwyk. FLETCH Charmed. 9 EXT. BERMAN STREET - BEVERLY HILLS - DAY ---A Jaguar XJ sedan goes up Berman Street, a dead end. Fletch's hand reaches out ---of the passenger window and empties sand out of a sneaker. 10 INT. JAGURE - DAY FLETCH I always liked this part of town. 11 EXT. BERMAN STREET - DAY ---The Jaguar continues on up Berman Street, stopping before massive iron gates ---marked PRIVATE PROPERTY -- NO TRESPASSING -- STANWYK. The gates open ---electronically. 12 EXT. STANWYK HOUSE - DAY ---The jaguar goes up the center of the drive toward a white-pillared mansion. The ---lawns and planting are spectacular. 13 INT. JAGUAR - DAY ---Fletch stares out the window. FLETCH What a coincidence. ---The car stops before the house. STANWYK What? 14 EXT. HOUSE - DAY ---as they get out of the car. FLETCH I came this close... (holds fingers slightly apart) ...to buying this place ---Stanwyk ignores Fletch and starts toward the house. Fletch follows. FLETCH Then I found out Hopalong Cassidy had shot himself in the game room. That just blew it for me. STANWYK Who? FLETCH Hopalong Cassidy. Killed himself here. Bow and arrow. Strange. ---Stanwyk stops before the front door, stares at Fletch STANWYK What are you, doped up or something? ---Fletch abruptly changes gears, stares at Stanwyk FLETCH I don't work for you yet, assface. Don't talk to me like that. STANWYK (after a beat) Come inside. 15 INT. HOUSE - DAY ---Stanwyk and Fletch enter. A Mexican Maid crosses. STANWYK Buenas dias. MAID Buenas dias. She disappeared. FLETCH I commend you on your Spanish. ---Stanwyk doesn't reply, keeps on walking. He opens a set of double doors to the ---left of the winding staircase, then stands to one side, indicating that Fletch ---should enter. 16 INT. LIBRARY - DAY ---Massive fireplace. Everything built in teak. Fletch enters, and Stanwyk closes ---the door behind them. FLETCH Ahh, the library. Masculine but sensitive. ---Stanwyk wordlessly goes behind the desk FLETCH Really, I love what you've done with the place. Must have cost you...hundreds. ---Stanwyk turns, looks out a pair of French doors behind his desk, then turns ---back. STANWYK Here's my proposition, Mr. Fletcher. FLETCH I'm all ears. STANWYK I want you to murder me. 17 thru OMITTED 19 20 FLETCH ---Even garrulous Fletch is stopped in his tracks by this remark, uttered in the ---most business-like manner. 21 STANWYK STANWYK Here. On Thursday. I'd like you to shoot me dead. 22 FLETCH ---He just stares, barely breathing. 23 STANWYK STANWYK The reason I ask you to do me this service is that I am facing a long, painful, and most certain death. You see, I have bone cancer. I don't know if you know anything about bone cancer. 24 FLETCH ---He shakes his head. 25 STANWYK STANWYK It doesn't get any worse than that. Just eats you up, bit by bit. FLETCH ---Finally regains the gift of speech. FLETCH You don't look sick, Mr. Stanwyk. 27 MASTER STANWYK I don't feel sick. Not yet. They tell me it'll start getting bad in about a month. After that... well, I'd rather not be around for it. FLETCH Why don't you try suicide? STANWYK My company has taken out a very large insurance policy on me. And I have a wife. Suicide would nullify my insurance. Murder does not. FLETCH So why pick me? STANWYK You're a drifter, a -- pardon the expression -- beach bum. No one would notice if you disappeared. I've watched you for a couple weeks. FLETCH Maybe I'm just on vacation. STANWYK Not with the scum you hang out with. I've watched. I've thought. Its a perfect scheme. I even have a perfect escape plan for you. FLETCH Did it ever occur to you that I might not want to kill you? STANWYK I've got fifty thousand dollars says you will. 28 FLETCH ---He chews his lip. 29 STANWYK STANWYK Fifty thousand and a guarantee you won't get caught. ---Stanwyk searches Fletch's face carefully for a reaction. After several beats.... FLETCH I'm still here. STANWYK (turns and goes to the French doors) I want it done Thursday evening, around eight PM. My wife will be off to the club for a committee meeting. It's the staff's night off. (pushes doors open) These will be open. 30 FLETCH FLETCH Wouldn't they normally be locked? 31 MASTER STANWYK Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The staff usually forgets. FLETCH I have the same problem with my help. STANWYK (goes on, unresponsive) I will be here in the room, waiting for you. The safe will be open and there will be fifty thousand dollars in it. You will be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves? FLETCH I rent them. Monthly lease, with an option to buy. STANWYK In this drawer.... ---He opens the top drawer of his desk 32 INSIDE THE DRAWER ---an enormous .357 Magnum. 33 MASTER ---Stanwyk holds up the gun. 34 FLETCH FLETCH A .357. 35 MASTER STANWYK Very good. My .357. Use it and no one can trace it to you. The room will be in some disarray. FLETCH So it looks like a burglary attempt. You catch me. I get the gun, and shoot you. STANWYK Precisely. Are you a good shot? FLETCH (looking at the huge gun) What's the difference? The noise'll kill you first. STANWYK Get me on the first shot, if you can. FLETCH I don't think you'll have to worry about that. ---A beat. Stanwyk stares at Fletch. STANWYK Do you have a passport? FLETCH Sure, all drifters do. STANWYK Fine. After you kill me, take the Jaguar. The keys will be in the glove compartment. FLETCH Take it where? ---Stanwyk starts to write down the information on a note pad. STANWYK LAX. Go to the Pan Am desk. There will be a ticket waiting for you. FLETCH Where am I going? STANWYK (hands Fletch the note) Rio. Flight 306. Departs at eleven PM. FLETCH They serve dinner on the flight? STANWYK It'll be a first class-ticket. I'm sure you'll enjoy the ride. I would recommend staying down there at least a year, Mr. Fletcher. FLETCH You've certainly thought this out, haven't you? STANWYK I am not someone who leaves a great deal to chance, Mr. Fletcher. FLETCH You sure those doors will be open? STANWYK Yes. All you provide are the gloves, the passport, and the aim. I'll take care of everything else. FLETCH The gun, the money, the tickets, and the dying. STANWYK That's right. FLETCH You sure got the hard part. STANWYK What do you say, Mr. Fletcher? You'll be doing me and my family a great service. 36 FLETCH ---thinking it over. 37 STANWYK STANWYK Will you kill me? 38 FLETCH FLETCH Sure. 39 INT. NEWSPAPER BUILDING - DAY Fletch pushes through the double glass doors, still dresses in a beach mufti -- the jeans and Magic Johnson shirt, Puma sneakers. 40 INT. L.A. NEWS OFFICE - DAY Fletch is greeted ad-lib by several people as he walks through the cavernous newspaper City Room. REPORTER Whoa, check out the beach boy! SECOND REPORTER Looking very good, Fletch. FLETCH Thank you so much (to someone else) Hey, Larry! Larry, the young "morgue" researcher, hurries over and walks with Fletch. She is fun and flirty, and her feelings for Fletch fall just short of idolatry. LARRY Yo! FLETCH Can I steal you for a minute? LARRY Only if you promise not to return me. FLETCH Deal. LARRY (pointing to Fletch's T-shirt) 'Magic' today, huh? FLETCH Kareem's in the wash. I need a favor. LARRY Shoot. FLETCH Don't say shoot, okay. They pass the office of the city editor Frank Walker, fiftyish. Hold on Walker's office. Upon noticing Fletch, he jumps from his seat, edges his way past the two reporters in his office and runs outside. WALKER Fletch. Fletch! 40-A FLETCH AND LARRY They continue their walk. FLETCH Did you hear something? LARRY Not me. FLETCH Me neither. See what we've got on a guy named Alan Stanwyk, okay? I need it right away. WALKER (running up to them) Fletch, I take it by your presence here that the story is done. Tell me I'm right. Fletch hold up a hand. FLETCH W-Y-K no 'c.' I'll be down in a minute. LARRY No problem, boss. Larry peels off and Fletch now talks to Walker without breaking stride for his office. WALKER Fletch. FLETCH Frank, you look a little peaked. Wanna vomit? WALKER No, I want an answer, Is the story done? FLETCH Uh, almost. WALKER 'Uh, almost' is not an answer. 'Yes Frank, it's all done': that's an answer. FLETCH (as he enters his cubicle) And a damn fine one, I might add. 41 INT. FLETCH'S CUBICLE - DAY A pile of mail is on his desk. On the walls are a team portrait of the Lakers, plus a couple of blow-ups of his column. Fletch writes under the name of Jane Doe. An unused word processor is on his desk, but the keyboard has been moved aside to make room for an old, much-used Royal typewriter. He bounces some waste paper off the monitor into a strategically placed waste can. (A lot of crumpled papers lie on the floor all around the can.) FLETCH Two.... WALKER Irwin.... FLETCH Oh, I hate it when he calls me that. WALKER Irwin, professional journalism time, now. Go back to the goddamn beach and finish the goddamn story! FLETCH I will, Frank, I will. Something came up, okay? WALKER No it's not okay. You have to have this in by tomorrow. Did you see the ad we ran Sunday? FLETCH I never read the paper. WALKER ...never reads the paper... Walker goes through a pile of unread newspapers on Fletch's desk, finds the Sunday paper. FLETCH What's the spread on the game tonight? WALKER I don't know. (holds up paper) Look! FLETCH Looks great. 42 INSERT - AD A full-page ad. NEXT WEEK A "JANE DOE" SPECIAL REPORT: DRUGS ON OUR BEACHES - SHAME OF THE CITY 43 MASTER FLETCH 'Shame of Our City' is so good. WALKER Now, Irwin, try to follow me. You can't run the ad and then not run the story. FLETCH Why not? Oh $hit...really? Walker just stares at him. FLETCH Just kidding, Frank. You'll have the story and you'll be damn proud of it. WALKER You broke it? You know the source? FLETCH Practically. 44 WALKER ready to kill. WALKER What's 'practically'? Is it Fat Sam? You said you had pictures of him.... 45 MASTER FLETCH I have pictures of him. Dealing.... WALKER So let's go! We run the pictures. FLETCH He's not the story! There's a source behind him. WALKER Who? FLETCH Well, there we're in a gray area. WALKER How gray? FLETCH I'd say charcoal. WALKER (straining for control) I'm going to bite out your eyeballs, you know that? FLETCH Frank, you animal, I love it. I'll have the story by Thursday night, I swear to God. (to himself as he exits) I hope. INSERT - NEWSPAPER CLIPPING ALAN STANWYK NEW V/P BOYD AVIATION A photograph of Stanwyk; a head shot. Hands turn the clipping paper. Next clipping: a social page spread on the wedding of Alan Stanwyk. ("GAIL BOYD WED TO ALAN STANWYK.") LARRY (V.O.) Everything's recent. 47 FLETCH AND LARRY Fletch and Larry examine the file. FLETCH 'Mr. Stanwyk, of Provo, Utah, is a former commercial pilot.' LARRY Married Boyd Aviation. He's no dummy, that's serious coin. 48 INSERT - CLIPPING - TIGHTER ANGLE FLETCH (V.O.) 'Stanwyk's parents, Marvin and Velma Stanwyk, also of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding.' 49 FLETCH AND LARRY LARRY (affected accent) Not our kind of people, you understand. FLETCH (points to his back) Spot right here. She scratches. FLETCH Thanks. LARRY You doing a story on this guy? FLETCH Maybe. He pours over some more clippings, then stops at one. 50 INSERT CLIPPING headlined: "CANCER SOCIETY BENEFIT". A photograph of Alan and Gail Stanwyk, with a gray haired man and his wife. FLETCH (V.O.) '...Stanwyk, blahblahblah, with internist Doctor Joseph Dolen. 51 FLETCH AND LARRY FLETCH I wonder if that's his doctor. LARRY Only one way to find out. 52 INT. DOCTOR'S EXAMINING ROOM - DAY Fletch, stripped to the waist. is being examined by Dr. Joseph Dolen, a rather imperious physician. DR. DOLEN So where do you know Alan from? FLETCH We play tennis at the club. DR. DOLEN Really. The California Racquet Club? FLETCH Yes. DR. DOLEN That's my club too. I haven't seen you there. FLETCH Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains. DR. DOLEN Right, and how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber? FLETCH That's Babar. DR. DOLEN Two bs? FLETCH One. B-a-b-a-r. DR. DOLEN That's two. FLETCH But not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant. DR. DOLEN Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar? FLETCH I don't know. I don't have any. DR. DOLEN No children? FLETCH No books. No elephants either. No really good elephant books. DR. DOLEN (eyes Fletch curiously) Still, it'd an odd name. I don't remember seeing it on the club registry. Fletch's eyes drift to Dolen's side table with its unnerving assortment of medical paraphernalia. FLETCH Oh, I don't belong formally. I've gone with my aunt. DR. DOLEN Your aunt? FLETCH Mrs. Smith. DR. DOLEN Joan or Margaret Smith. FLETCH Right. DR. DOLEN Well, which one? FLETCH Margaret. DR. DOLEN Funny old bird. FLETCH Is she ever. I've got some stories.... DR. DOLEN I'll bet. Shame about Ed. FLETCH (vamping) It was. Really a shame. To go so suddenly. DR. DOLEN Oh, he was dying for years. FLETCH Sure, but the end was so sudden. DR. DOLEN He was in intensive care for eight weeks. FLETCH Yes, but the very end, when he actually died, that was extremely sudden. (quickly) You know, Alan and I were recently speaking of dying. Told me Boyd Aviation took out a lot of insurance on him. You must have to be in some kind of perfect health to get that kind of policy. DR. DOLEN Bend over and drop your pants, Mr. Babar. FLETCH Oh really, there's no need to -- we don't want to do that.... DR. DOLEN Just relax.... FLETCH Honest, I feel fine. You better be married. Fletch looks alarmed as Dolan pushes him into position. Dolan puts on a plastic glove. 53 CLOSE - FLETCH FLETCH Did I say 'kidneys'? I meant my ear. Maybe I should see an ear dahhh -- (as Dolan starts to probe from behind) Ever serve time? DR. DOLEN Breathe easy.... FLETCH Anyway, I'm surprised Alan got the policy so easily. I know there's a history of cancer in the family. DR. DOLEN (noncommittally) There is? FLETCH Whoa, look out there. You really need the whole fist? DR. DOLEN Just relax. FLETCH (reacts to a poke) Gee, Alan's been looking kind of sick lately. Is he all right? DR. DOLEN I can't discuss another patient. You know that. (rising into frame and washing up) Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. FLETCH I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking. Maybe I should get a real complete physical. You give Alan an annual, don't you? DR. DOLEN Yeah, we check you into Mt. Hebron for a few days, run lots of tests, charge a bundle. You can pull your pants up now. FLETCH I hope they still fit. Do I get to keep the glove? DR. DOLEN Tell the nurse when you've got a few free days. She'll make all the arrangements. FLETCH Thanks, Doc. Maybe I'll come back with a date. Or an elephant. 54 INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION AREA - DAY Fletch is dressed in shorts, a clean shirt, and is carrying a doctor's bag. He is wearing a stethoscope around his neck , has a beeper on, a lot of pencils and other doctor gadgets. He's standing at the directory 55 DIRECTORY Combing it with his eyes, he sees the directory: PATHOLOGY - THIRD FLOOR B. ROSENSTIEN, M.D. H. ROSENBLATT, M.D. P. ROSENWOHL, M.D. Fletch goes to a door marked "Stairs." 56 INT. STAIRWELL - DAY Fletch abruptly empties his doctor's bag and puts on a long green gown, a cap and a face mask. He plugs the stethoscope in his ears, removes miscellaneous file folders filled with papers, closes the bag, and heads for Pathology. 57 INT PATHOLOGY DEPARTMENT - DAY It's at the end of a long hall, and adjacent to the Autopsy Room and the Pathology Records Room. Over his shoulder we can see into the autopsy room where a gowned doctor is happily performing an autopsy. RECORDS NURSE (to Fletch) Identification please. Fletch hastily fumbles through his wallet, deftly dropping and picking up the papers he has brought with him. FLETCH It's me doctor Rosenpenis. I just have to take another peek at Alan Stanwyk's file. What have they done with this place? RECORDS NURSE (confused at all his activity) Nothing. They're still there. FLETCH Right. Fine. Still dropping and picking up, shuffling and collating, Fletch starts toward the Files Room, when the doctor performing the autopsy yells at him. PATHOLOGIST Hey you! Fletch stiffens and turns around. PATHOLOGIST Give me a hand for a second would you doctor? Fletch hesitates. PATHOLOGIST Come on, come on. Reluctantly, he goes to the autopsy table, and the cadaver thereon, which is covered by a sheet, except for the mid-section. 58 TWO SHOT - FLETCH AND PATHOLOGIST (Note: from here on we never see the body.) PATHOLOGIST (poking around) Have you ever see a spleen this large? FLETCH (trying not to look) Not recently. PATHOLOGIST Grab this, will you? FLETCH Uh, I'm not really prepared. My hands aren't sterilized. PATHOLOGIST You're not going to make this guy any sicker. We hear a squishing noise as he grabs something large and wet and plops it into Fletch's hand. Fletch stands there holding something icky out of frame, looking uncomfortably up at the ceiling, the floor, anywhere but at the cadaver or at the stuff in his hand. Meanwhile, we hear sounds of further incisions, and the deflating of an organ. PATHOLOGIST You never really get used to the smell, do you? Fletch's eyes roll up, and he falls to the floor in a dead faint. 59 INT. RECORDS ROOM - DAY - MINUTES LATER Fletch is on a couch, beginning to regain consciousness. The Records Nurse hovers over him. RECORDS NURSE Are you all right, Doctor? FLETCH Where am I? RECORDS NURSE You're in the Records Room. FLETCH I'm fine. RECORDS NURSE Can I get you something? FLETCH Have you got a make-shift plywood pillory? Heh Heh, just kidding. RECORDS NURSE Doctor Holmes went to get you some smelling salts. He was quite surprised that you fainted. FLETCH Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I thought the dead man was my brother. RECORDS NURSE Oh my God! FLETCH It's all right. It wasn't him but that spleen was a splitting image. He sits up and sees that just outside the glass is none other that Dr. Joseph Dolen, talking with the pathologist. FLETCH Oh, God, I think I'm about to hyperventilate. Have you got a paper bag, or something. RECORDS NURSE Yes, right away. She goes to get the paper bag, and Fletch turns his back on Dr. Dolen to go through the file cabinet. By the time the Nurse returns, he's got Stanwyk's file. RECORDS NURSE Here you are, Doctor. FLETCH Thank you. He puts the bag over his mouth and breathes deeply as he continues the conversation with her. (From time to time, we see Dr. Dolen in the b.g. looking over, but does not come into the records room or question what's happening). RECORDS NURSE Is there anything particular you're looking for? FLETCH My associates did a biopsy on this man recently. (thumbs through file) He's supposed to have a melanoma, or a carcinoma, some kind of noma. Hmmm. I can't seem to find any record of it. RECORDS NURSE (taking the file) Well, if he had one, it would certainly be in here. (searches) Wait. Here it is. Yep. Surgical removal of two moles. Tissue was benign. FLETCH That's it? RECORDS NURSE (shows him the file) That's it. FLETCH (reading it) This was last month. So Alan Stanwyk does not have cancer. RECORDS NURSE I guess not. FLETCH (very puzzled) He'll be so relieved. 60 EXT. SANTA MONICA STREET - LATE AFTERNOON Fletch pulls up in front of his building, a 1970's cinderblock apartment complex. Fletch parks his car halfway up the curb, gets out and spots a Mercedes coupe. He starts running toward the rear of his building. 61 EXT. REAR OF THE BUILDING - DAY Fletch starts climbing up the fire escape of his building. 62 FIRE ESCAPE - DAY Fletch reaches the second floor. He's huffing and puffing. FLETCH Christ. 63 REVERSE Attorney Charles Gillett is waiting for him on the second floor fire escape. Gillett smiles. GILLETT Refusal to pay alimony is a jailable offense, Fletch. 64 MASTER FLETCH What about breaking and entering? (points to Gillett's coat) Are you wearing anything under that? GILLETT I did not break nor enter. I simply chose an advisable location to await my client's delinquent husband. FLETCH I hate to conduct business on the lanai. Why don't we step inside. Fletch takes out a credit card and jimmies open the lock on the window. 65 INT. FLETCH'S APARTMENT - DAY Fletch climbs in through the window, followed by Gillett. His small apartment is just barely furnished. A low basketball hoop is attached to the wall. Fletch takes a ball, offers it to Gillett. FLETCH One on one? Gillett shakes his head. Fletch does a reverse shot and misses, sending a plastic globe lamb crashing to the floor. FLETCH And the foul. Fletch takes a second, successful shot. GILLETT You owe Wendy nine hundred and eighteen dollars. FLETCH (still playing b-ball) She doesn't need the money, for crissakes. She's living with Monty. I know it. GILLETT I don't know what you're referring to. Wendy maintains her own residence. FLETCH It stinks. I thought woman were independent now. GILLETT Until she remarries, Fletch. FLETCH Hey, shut up, okay? I just hate this. GILLETT I empathize with your plight, Fletch. However, you threw her out. FLETCH She was sleeping with everybody. The cable TV guy. You can't get lower than that.... GILLETT You should have proved that in a court of law. FLETCH My lawyer was a bum. GILLETT (smiles) I agree. Fletch puts down the basketball, picks up a stack of mail and rifles through it. FLETCH I think he was sleeping with Wendy, too. GILLETT You may be right. FLETCH Are you serious? GILLETT (shrugs) That's history, Fletch. You owe us nine hundred and eighteen dollars. FLETCH Wait a minute! Our problems might be solved. Fletch holds up an envelope with Ed McMahon's picture on it. FLETCH (continuing) I think I just won a million dollars! He opens it and looks inside, feigning disappointment. FLETCH (continuing) Damn...lost again. Sorry. GILLETT This is no joke. If some kind of payment isn't made, we're going to have to contact the paper and garnish your wages. Fletch sighs, takes out the envelope given to him by Stanwyk. He hands a thousand dollars to Gillett. GILLETT Cash. I'm impressed. FLETCH Found it in a cab. That's a grand. Apply the difference to next month. GILLETT Till then. Gillett smiles and exits. 66 KITCHEN - DAY Fletch opens the fridge. Inside are tow six-packs of Coors, a jar of Miracle Whip, a half a cucumber, and a brown head of lettuce. Fletch takes a beer and slams the door shut with such force that we hear breakage inside. 67 MASTER - APARTMENT - DAY In a foul mood, Fletch leaves the kitchen, and wanders into the living room. It has the personality of an Abbey Rents. He picks up the TV remote control. The television clicks on. Chick Hearn is with Jabbar, during a Laker pregame warmup. FLETCH Thank God. Fletch settles back. 68 TELEVISION Hearn is gushing over Jabbar. 69 FLETCH He watches contemplatively. He is bone tired. 70 TELIVISION HEARN How about Fletch? JABBAR Well, Fletch has been great. He's super-strong, really clogs the middle for us, boxes out, gets the bounds.... 71 FLETCH He smiles and nods, deep in fantasy. 72 TELEVISION HEARN Now here's a key play in Tuesday night's game.... Hearn and Jabbar look down at a television monitor. 73 FLETCH He's half asleep. JABBAR (V.O.) Here I am dishing off to Fletch.... Fletch raises an eyebrow. 74 TELEVISION There's Fletch, his hair in an Afro, dressed in Laker gold. He's on the receiving end of a Jabbar pass, making an easy layup. HEARN (V.O.) Gosh, he makes it look so easy! 75 FLETCH asleep, smiling. 77 PRICATICE COURT - DAY Gail Stanwyk is on the other side of the net, loading tennis balls into the automatic serve machine. She is in her late twenties and quite attractive., but in a much more natural way than other women we see here. She is good natured and effervescent. Fletch steps up to the entrance of the court. FLETCH Gail Stanwyk! She looks up. He enters the court with great delight. FLETCH (continuing) I haven't seen you since the wedding, Jeez, you look great. MRS. STANWYK (genuinely pleased) I do? Oh, isn't that sweet, thank you. I have to confess something to you. I must have been pretty plowed at your wedding. I really don't have the faintest idea who you are. FLETCH Huh? No, not my wedding. Yours. MRS. STANWYK Oh, mine! Thank God. (furrows her brow) Actually, that doesn't make it any better, does it? Are you a friend of Alan's? FLETCH We used to fly together. I'm...John. MRS. STANWYK (snaps her fingers in happy recognition) John! You used to fly together! Her smile segues right into an "I'm sorry, bit I give up" expression. MRS. STANWYK John who? FLETCH John Ultrarelamensky. MRS. STANWYK (bursts out in laughter) Oh, I'm sorry. It's a beautiful name, really. FLETCH It's Scotch-Rumanian. MRS. STANWYK (still loading tennis balls) That's a strange combination. FLETCH So were my parents. MRS. STANWYK Mind if I keep practicing? I need to work on my ground stroke a little. FLETCH Please. As Mrs. Stanwyk crosses to the other side of the net, a waiter approaches Fletch. WAITER Excuse me sir. Are you a guest of the club? FLETCH Yes, I'm with the Underhills. WAITER They just left, sir. FLETCH They'll be back. He had to go in for a urinalysis. WAITER Would you care for a drink while you're waiting? I can put it on the Underhill bill. FLETCH Great. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich. WAITER Very good sir. The Waiter leaves, and Fletch watches as Mrs. Stanwyk tries to return the serving machine's serves. She swings so goofily that she can't even get the racket on the ball. She has clearly never taken a lesson in her life, and it is doubtful if she will ever make contact with a tennis ball in this century. MRS. STANWYK Damn, I thought I had that one. FLETCH You should play with much larger tennis balls. So how's Alan? MRS. STANWYK What are you asking me for? He's so busy lately I hardly see him. And he's been so preoccupied. FLETCH Preoccupied with what? MRS. STANWYK Oh, personal stuff. Look! I hit one! Indeed, she has. Strait up. She and Fletch crane their necks upward to follow it's flight. FLETCH Good. Lobs are a very important part of the game. She completely misses the next one. FLETCH Why do you keep doing this? MRS STANWYK I love the outfits. The next one she hits with the handle. FLETCH Try stepping into the ball with your left foot. He demonstrates a swing. She puts on a determined face, makes an awkward step and swings at the next ball, missing it completely, and letting the racket fly. FLETCH There, much better. Mrs. Stanwyk laughs happily and dodges the machine-served balls to walk over to Fletch. When she's almost up to him, she turns back to the serving machine and points a finger at it, as if addressing a pet dog. MRS STANWYK Stay! (to Fletch) I must be having an off day. I'm really a fabulous player. FLETCH I have this effect on lots of women. MRS STANWYK I bet you do. FLETCH Say, the reason I asked about Alan is that I bumped into him this morning and you know what I can't figure out? MRS STANWYK (catching him in his lie) Alan's in Utah. FLETCH (after a beat) I can't figure out why I went to Utah for the morning. MRS STANWYK Okay. I'm delighted to have someone to talk to, and you're very cute, so I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married so you may as well forget -- You are trying to hit on me, aren't you? FLETCH (thinks, then nods) I'm such a heel. How'd you guess? MRS STANWYK If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman. FLETCH You are a rich woman. MRS STANWYK See what I mean? She trots back to her ball machine. Fletch calls after her. FLETCH What's he doing in Utah? MRS STANWYK None of your business, now go away. You're throwing my game off. Fletch chuckles -- he likes this woman -- and exits. 78 BOYD AVIATION - DAY - ESTABLISHING A sprawling, Hughes-like complex. FLETCH (O.S.) ...then who walks in but George Bush. He took one look around the room... 79 INT. JOHN BOYD'S OFFICE - DAY A Secretary is serving coffee to Fletch (now dressed in a three piece suit) and John Boyd, Gail Stanwyk's father. At seventy, he is probably Chairman Emeritus now; no longer running the day-to-day operations of the company, and thus somewhat grateful from the company. FLETCH (continuing) ...and said 'Sorry Mr. President, I thought it was Saturday.' Boyd Laughs. FLETCH I thought I was going to die. SECRETARY Sugar, Mr. Poon? FLETCH Thank you. Fletch notices a framed wedding photograph on the credenza behind Boyd. It is of Alan and Gail Stanwyk, Alan beaming a $hit-eating grin and holding a happy thumbs-up. Fletch waits as the Secretary leaves the room, then begins speaking confidentially. FLETCH Okay. He opens his attache case, allowing Boyd to see an airline ticket, a Washington Post, and a file stenciled "Confidential/S.E.C. Use only." FLETCH First of all, let me just reiterate that this is not a formal investigation. I'm not going through formal channels here, because if Alan Stanwyk is not involved in any improprieties, then nobody has to know I was even --- BOYD Alan Stanwyk is not involved in improprieties. Where the hell does the S.E.C. come off --- Fletch is nodding sympathetically and holds up a quieting hand. Boyd stops in mid-tirade, and watches as Fletch reaches into his briefcase and seemingly turns off a tape recorder. FLETCH Look. You know that and I know that, but somebody's bucking for a promotion. I think it's that bozo, Hanrahan, I can't be sure. Anyway, unless I go back there with something, you and your son-in-law are next week's scapegoats. BOYD Unbelievable. FLETCH I feel like dirt. They even want to know what he's doing in Utah? BOYD Utah? (laughs) Jesus Christ! First of all, Alan Stanwyk does not own one share of stock.The three million dollars for the ranch in Provo comes from my daughter who converted some of her personal holdings, not company holdings. Now if anybody in DC wants to make something of that, bring 'em on. Until then, get the hell out of my face. FLETCH (stands and closes briefcase) God I admire you. BOYD By the way: what kind of name is Poon? FLETCH Comanche Indian. 80 ALAN STANWYK'S OFFICE - DAY Fletch breezes in, right up to the Secretary, whose nameplate reads MADELINE TURNER. FLETCH (rapidly) Oh, Margie, sorry, Frieda lost the number of Alan's realtor in Provo. Can you give it to me real quick? MARGIE Jim Swarthout? FLETCH Yeah. She writes it out for him. MARGIE And, I'm sorry, who are you again? FLETCH (grabbing the paper) Frieda's boss. MARGIE (calling after him) Who's Frieda? FLETCH (out the door) My secretary. 81 EXT. BEACH - DAY Pan across the beach.... FLETCH (O.S.) Larry, it's me.... Fletch is in a phone booth on the sidewalk next to the beach, keeping an eye on "Fat Sam's." FLETCH See if you've got anything in Stanwyk's background from when he lived in Utah. Also check on a realtor in Provo named Swarthout. And tell Frank I'm crazy about him and I'd like to discuss his maybe moving in with me. We hear police sirens. Fletch looks O.S. FLETCH Later. He hangs up. 82 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - FOUR SQUAD CARS have pulled up to the beach, lights flashing. The druggies are dispersing. Creasy is running towards Fletch. CREASY Fletch! Take off! 83 FLETCH He steps out onto the beach, and starts towards the cops. 84 MASTER CREASY What are you doing? 85 MASTER Everyone is scattering. The cops run past everyone, and approach Gummey. 86 FLETCH AND CREASY FLETCH They're after Gummy again. It's weird. Fletch keeps moving toward the police. CREASY (out of breath) Fletch, slow down. 87 GUMMY AND THE COPS Gummy trips and falls in the sand. A Cop kicks him in the head. COP #1 Let's go, Gummy. 88 FLETCH AND CREASY still running toward the cops. FLETCH Hey, what are you doing? CREASY Fletch, this is dumb. FLETCH You don't have to run with me, Crease. 89 MASTER The cops drag Gummy toward a squad car. 90 ANGLE - "FAT SAM'S" Fat Sam peers out, watching the action. 91 MASTER Fletch approaches the cops. FLETCH Why are you beating up on that kid? No responce from the cops. FLETCH He's defenseless, and you kick the crap out of him. What do you want from --- One of the cops turns and, in one smooth motion, kicks Fletch in the balls. Fletch sinks to the ground. 92 SQUAD CAR Gummy is packed into the squad car. 93 FLETCH He rises slowly from the sand. He is in great pain. He starts after the cops again. 94 CREASY CREASY Fletch! 95 MASTER FLETCH What goddamn right do you have to take him? The cop car starts off. Fletch picks up a rock, hurls it at the cop car. It smashes the rear window. 96 CREASY CREASY Fletch!!! 97 MASTER The cop cars go off. Fletch bends over. He's hurting. Creasy comes over to him. CREASY Hey you're really nuts. FLETCH (breathless) They didn't do anything. CREASY What? What are you talking about? FLETCH I busted their window, they didn't do anything. CREASY You're lucky. FLETCH Not luck. They don't want me. 98 POLICE CARS In a caravan, they head down the highway. 99 FLETCH He turns and looks towards "Fat Sam's." 100 "FAT SAM'S" Fat Sam watches the police cars go down the road, then turns and looks towards the ocean. He pulls his Angels cap down over his head. 101 CLOSE - FLETCH He is focusing on something, but has not figured it out yet. FLETCH Gummy and two cops.... 102 and OMITTED 103 104 INT. FRANK WALKER'S OFFICE - DAY FLETCH Cool your tool, Frank, I need a little more time. I think I'm really on to something here. WALKER Your onto something. That's good. What? FLETCH I really don't want to spoil your surprise, Frank. Why don't you read it tomorrow? Larry, knocks on the door. WALKER What do you want? Larry points to Fletch. WALKER Speak, don't point! LARRY I need Fletch for a second. FLETCH She needs me, Frank. Fletch turns to Larry. Push to two shot. LARRY Nothing on Gail Stanwyk, nothing on Jim Swarthout. But I did --- FLETCH That's okay, Lar. I gotta put this on the back burner for a while. Larry starts to exit. WALKER Just give me a hint, all right? FLETCH All right. Maybe there are some crooked cops involved in all this. LARRY (stopping in the doorway) Did you say cops? FLETCH Yeah. LARRY That's one thing I did find. It's from Last month, so it was in the unsorted pile. She hands Fletch a clipping. 105 INSERT - CLIPPING It is an article and photograph of the newly-appointed citizens on the Police Advisory Board. One of them is Alan Stanwyk. WALKER What's that? 106 MASTER Fletch pockets the photo. FLETCH (puzzled) More cops. (then) I think I gotta go to Utah, Frank. WALKER Utah? FLETCH Yeah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. I'm sure you've seen pictures. WALKER What about finding the source? FLETCH I have some ideas. WALKER Who? Donnie and Marie? FLETCH Very possibly. Come on, say yes. I'll buy you a shirt. WALKER Go to transportation, get a ticket. LARRY (to Fletch as he exits) My hero. FLETCH Nothing to it. 107 EXT. PROVO, UTAH - AIRPORT -DAY A Western Airlines flight arrives. 107-A EXT. HIGHWAY - DUSK Fletch's rented Fairmont speeds down the highway. 107-B INT. FAIRMONT - FLETCH wearing a polyester brown suit -- fiddles with the radio. Snatches of programs are heard: "easy listening" music; country-and-western; a revival show; a call in show -- "Hi, you're on the air." "Hello, Bob, I'd like to discuss the death penalty. As you know, Jesus was in favor of it --" Fletch whistles and switches the radio off. He turns the car off the interstate. 108 EXT. TRAVELODGE - LATE AFTERNOON - ESTABLISHING SHOT as Fletch drives up. 109 INT. TRAVELODGE MOTEL ROOM Fletch dials the phone in the small, sparsely furnished room. FLETCH Hi, Jim Swarthout, please. Oh, hello, my name is Igor Stravinski and I'm looking for some ranch property. 110 INT. SWARTHOUT REALTY Jim Swarthout is a rugged-looking man in his forties. He sits in the den/office of his house talking on the phone, surrounded by pine-paneling, property tract maps and wall-mounted animal heads. SWARTHOUT Good, Mr. Starinski, what'd you have in mind? (pause) Uh huh. Oh are you a friend of Alan's? 111 INT. FLETCH'S MOTEL ROOM FLETCH No, I just heard some people at the club talking about the property you sold him, and the way it was described, three million sounded like a pretty good price. (pause) What? Fletch pauses again to listen, flummoxed over what he has just heard. FLETCH Are you sure? (pause) Of course. I guess I was misinformed. Listen, I'd love to come out and see you anyway. When are you available? 112 INT. SWARTHOUT REALTY SWARTHOUT Well, I'm about to close up shop and go out for the evening. How about first thing in the AM? (pause) Great. See you tomorrow. 113 INT. FLETCH'S MOTEL ROOM FLETCH Tomorrow. Fletch hangs up, very interested. 114 OMITTED 115 EXT. SWARTHOUT REALTY - NIGHT Fletch stops his car in front of the ranch-style house. A lighted sign in the yard indicate that this is indeed Swarthout Realty, but the house is dark; no one appears to be home. Somewhere in the yard a dog barks viciously, frantically. 116 DOG A killer Doberman is tied up behind a chain link fence. At the sight of the intruding Fletch, the dog's lip is practically over his nose, his fangs are poised and gleaming. 117 FLETCH FLETCH (getting out of his car) What's your name fella? Fluff? Pom-pom? 118 DOG completely bananas. 119 FLETCH Fletch reaches the front door and looks around. He rings the bell. The dog yowls even louder. Fletch waits. And waits. He rings again. Satisfied that no one is home, he tries the front door. Of course, it is locked. He takes out a credit card, starts to jimmy the lock, and actually seems to be making progress when his credit card snaps in half. FLETCH Sh*t. He pockets the broken credit card, steps back and looks over the house for another possible point of entry. 120 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW Double-hung. Slightly warped, so that the upper half does not exactly true with the lower half. 121 FLETCH looks around to see how to climb up to it. 122 MASTER There's only one way. Climb up the side of the chain link fence which separates him from the murderous dog. Fletch approaches it warily. The dog is practically foaming. Fletch reaches out a hand to get a hold of the fence, and the dog just about rips the fence apart. FLETCH (in his best Barbara Woodhouse) Sit-tuh! This has no effect, so Fletch backs up a few yards, take a deep breath for courage and makes a headlong running start for the fence, using his momentum to get to the top before the dog eats him. He grabs hold and scrambles wildly for the top. He makes it. FLETCH Roll over. Play dead. Good boy. Fletch now grabs hold of the eave on the side of the house, and very carefully pulls himself onto it. It's only about ten feet from there to the vulnerable window, but the angle of the eave is rather steep, and the going is treacherous. As he makes his way, he keeps a wary eye on the dog who keeps leaping up, seemingly getting closer and closer to taking a giant bite out of Fletch's backside. FLETCH You any relation to Doctor Dolan? Now he's at the window. He tries to open it, but despite it's warped appearance from the ground, it is locked. Fletch looks at the lock and can't believe it. He sighs. He shakes his head. He smashes the window with his elbow. FLETCH I hate this. He climbs into the darkened house, leaving the enraged dog to run furiously around the fenced in yard that surrounds the house. 123 INT SWARTHOUT'S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS - NIGHT Fletch tiptoes though the upstairs bedroom and down the stairs. From outside, he can still hear the dog snarling and barking. 124 INT. SWARTHOUT'S HOUSE - DOWNSTAIRS - NIGHT As Fletch passes through the living room he sees the dog snarling at him through the living room window. 125 INT. SWARTHOUT'S DEN - NIGHT Fletch enters and looks around. The dog is now outside the den window. FLETCH Make sure nobody comes in, okay? He goes to the file cabinet and opens it. He flips through the "S" section. "Stanwyk". He pulls it. He thumbs through various documents until he finds what he's looking for. A copy of a deed. He pulls it out. 125-A INSERT - DEED - CLOSE ON THE PURCHASE PRICE Three Thousand Dollars. FLETCH (O.S.) So much for your three million dollar ranch. 126 FLETCH takes out a tiny document camera -- the kind spies use in the movies -- and loads it fumblingly. Then he props the deed up on top of the file cabinet, and moves a lamp into position to light it. Just as he snaps his first shot, we hear a terrible crashing sound. 127 WINDOW The murderous Doberman has made a crashing leap right through the den window, sending glass flying everywhere, and he streaks across the room to rip Fletch into bite-sized shreds. 128 MASTER Fletch bolts and the dog flies into the file cabinet, knocking it over, scattering all the files over the floor. Fletch dashes for the nearest door, and runs through it just as the dog slams into it. 129 INT. KITCHEN Fletch is now holed up in the kitchen, panting to catch his breath, feeling the full course of adrenaline pumping through his terrified veins. He sees that he can get to his car by climbing through the window. But in order to get to the window he has to let go of the door, and that would allow the dog to get in. Looking around frantically, holding the door shut against the furious slamming of the dog, he reaches for and finally grabs a mop which he props under the door knob, thus keeping the door shut. Letting go of the door gingerly, he satisfies himself that the dog cannot get in, and he makes his break for the window. He vaults up onto the counter top and is just about to break the window when he sees that the dog's continued efforts are about to result in opening the door. Fletch knows he has only seconds. Standing on top of the counter, he opens the door of the restaurant-sized refrigerator next to him, and just as the snarling dog bursts into the room Fletch starts hurling food at it. A pot roast, sliced turkey with stuffing, a couple of filet mignons. The dog is momentarily distracted. Fletch pours a large bucket of cranberry sauce on the dog. FLETCH Suck on this Cujo! Then he dumps an equally large bucket of mashed potatoes. With the dog temporarily vision-impaired, Fletch bolts. 130 EXT. SWARTHOUT HOUSE - NIGHT Fletch runs as fast as humanly possible towards his car, fishing for his keys as he goes. The dog -- having shaken off the people-food from his hateful face -- is seconds behind and closing. Fletch makes it to his car, hops inside, and slams the door just as the dog leaps furiously at the windshield. 131 INT. FLETCH'S CAR Fletch makes it to his car, huffing and puffing. The dog jumps across the closed window, snarling and bug-eyed with hatred. Fletch smiles, waves at the dog, and starts taking its picture with his little camera. FLETCH Gimme a smile! There you go...oh, that's a nice one... (starting the car) Everything's fine, now...go take a little nap.... Fletch is ready to pull out, but the dog is still leaping madly at the window. Fletch points back to the house. FLETCH Look! Defenseless babies! The dog turns to look and Fletch guns it. FLETCH That dog is such an A**hole. 132 EXT. FLETCH'S APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY Fletch parks his car halfway up on the curb, steps out carrying a small overnight bag. He is unshaven and looks beat. 133 INT. APARTMENT HOUSE - CORRIDOR Fletch comes down the hall signing "Billie Jean" is an excruciating falsetto. FLETCH 'Bil-lie, Bil-lie...' He opens the door to his apartment and is immediately thrown to the ground. 134 INT. APARTMENT Fletch is spread-eagled on the floor. Two huge Cops are over him, one holding a gun to his head, the other going through his clothes. COP #1 (feeling the inseam of Fletch's trousers) Oh, what's this? FLETCH If I took that out, you guys couldn't fit in here. COP #1 Funny boy. Look at this.... He produces a heroin bag. COP#2 Looks like heroin, Gene. FLETCH You just planted that. Cop #1 kicks Fletch in the ribs. COP#2 What'd you say? FLETCH Read me my rights. COP #1 Okay. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to be kicked in the face by me. You have the rights to have your balls stomped. You have the --- FLETCH Hold it! I'll waive my rights. 135 EXT. PRECINT HOUSE Fletch is lead into the precinct house. 136 INT. PRECINT HOUSE The Sergeant at the desk checks Fletch out. SERGEANT Who we booking here, gentlemen? COP #1 No booking. Chief wants a talk with the boy. SERGEANT Oh Yeah? (smiles at Fletch) You'll like the Chief. Nice man. FLETCH I hear he's mellowed a lot since he came out of the closet. SERGEANT I find he gets real mellow after he hits somebody a lot. 137 DOOR TO CHIEF'S OFFICE - CHIEF'S OFFICE The cops open the door, pull Fletch inside. Chief Cummings, looking like a modern executive, looks up from his paperwork. COP #1 Here he is Chief. They roughly throw Fletch into a chair. The Chief -- seemingly oblivious to this brutality -- smiles sincerely. CUMMINGS Easy fellas. (To Fletch friendly) Be with you in just a second. The two Cops leave. As Chief Cummings continues with his paperwork Fletch looks around the office, which is decorated tastefully -- no guns on the wall, no American flags. On one wall there is a Matisse, and on another, various photos of the Chief with local celebrities. FLETCH You decorate this yourself or did Mrs. Chief of Police help you? CUMMINGS (laughs) You should have seen what she wanted to do with the place. Mauve. (shakes his head and pushes his papers aside) So what's your name? FLETCH Fletch. CUMMINGS Full name. FLETCH Fletch F. Fletch CUMMINGS (skeptical but patient) I see. And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch? FLETCH I'm President of the International Fletch Corporation. Cummings just stares at Fletch. CUMMINGS Why are you doing this Mr. Fletch? FLETCH Frankly sir, you look a little like my father. Probaly explains the curious feeling of love I have for you. CUMMINGS For a gentleman who was just found holding a bag full of heroin.... FLETCH It was planted on me, sir. CUMMINGS We're looking at five years, maybe ten. Is that what you want...Jane Doe? He suddenly kicks Fletch's chair out from under him. Fletch falls to the floor. CUMMINGS Your editor called me yesterday to respond to allegations you're about to print about police involvement in narcotics dealing. Fletch starts to get up, but Cummings plants his foot on Fletch's chest, forces him back down. CUMMINGS I'm about to break that beach wide open, and I don't need some pennyante Woodward and Bernstein getting in the way of my men. FLETCH 'Your men' might just be involved in all this. CUMMINGS You idiot. Off the record, deep background: I've got that beach crawling with undercover cops. Cummings picks Fletch up, and holds him by the lapels. CUMMINGS If you keep nosing around, you make the bad guys just a little bit more cautious. That makes my job harder. And if you print your story this week, you might get some of my men killed. I can't let that happen, Mr. Fletch. He throws Fletch against the wall of celebrity photos, some of which fall to the floor. CUMMINGS You go back to that goddamn beach, I swear to God I'll make you regret it. FLETCH (picks up a picture) Hey, you and Tommy Lasorda. That's great. Fletch takes the picture and hurls it across the room. It smashes into the opposite wall and shatters. FLETCH I don't like Tommy Lasorda. 138 and OMITTED 139 140 JAIL CORRIDOR Fletch is tossed into an empty cell by the two Cops who brought him in. Cummings watches. The two Cops leave, and we see that all the cells in this corridor are empty. FLETCH You can't keep me here. CUMMINGS Maybe I'm not going to keep you here. (takes out a gun) Maybe I'm gonna blow your brains out. FLETCH I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights. The Chief takes a knife out of his pocket, holding it with a handkerchief. CUMMINGS After I shoot you, I stick the knife in my arm, then place it in your dead hand. Self-defense. We don't do this very much anymore...but we have. Got rid of a lot of minorities that way. FLETCH My God, you're serious. CUMMINGS Ask anybody. FLETCH Can I ask anybody now? Cummings looks down the corridor. Deserted. FLETCH Can I call my Mom? I'd like to tell here how much I've always loved her. CUMMINGS (cocks the gun) What'll it be Fletch? Fletch looks in Cummings' eyes. They are steely and cold. He is quite serious. FLETCH I hate the beach. Wouldn't go there if you paid me. Besides, I'm way overdue on my story about off-track betting in the Himalayas. You don't think it's the mafia, do you? CUMMINGS (opening the cell) Its been very nice meeting you. I enjoy your column. Fletch walks out of the cell. Cummings walks with him through the empty corridor to the exit. CUMMINGS (very chummy) Speaking of which, you're not going to print anything before my investigation is through, are you? FLETCH Not a prayer. CUMMINGS That a boy. The emerge into the main hallway of the police station, which is filled with officers and civilians. Cummings makes a show of cordially shaking Fletch's hand as if they were old friends. CUMMINGS Thanks for coming down to see us. FLETCH Not at all, Chief. But next time...no tongue, okay? Exit Fletch. 141 thru OMITTED 147 148 INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE Fletch is railing at Frank Walker. FLETCH How could you call him? WALKER It's called journalism, Fletch. It's called getting both sides of the story. Something you apparently don't know anything about. FLETCH It's also called getting me this close to being murdered. WALKER Get out of here. FLETCH He threw me in a cell, took a gun and a knife and threatened to kill me right there if I didn't promise to give up the story. WALKER You know, I've had it up to here with your bullsh*t. I need a story from you by tomorrow. FLETCH You'll have it. WALKER But not unsubstantiated charges about dope-dealing cops, and not horse sh*t paranoid fantasies about homicidal police chiefs. FLETCH (exiting) Thanks for the vote of confidence, Frank. WALKER (calling after him) I want something I can print! FLETCH (giving him the finger) Print this Frank. Exit Fletch. 149 thru OMITTED 152 153 EXT. RAQUET CLUB Fletch again appears in his tennis whites and walks familiarly toward the patio. Rich people are having lunch. Fletch stops the waiter. FLETCH Hi, where's Mrs. Stanwyk? WAITER In her cabana, sir. FLETCH Oh, that's right. She told me to meet her there. That's cabana six? WAITER Cabana one. FLETCH One. WAITER Would you be caring for something to eat or drink, sir? FLETCH I would, actually. WAITER Charged to the Underhills, sir? FLETCH Right. Tell you what -- have you caviar? WAITER Yes, sir. Beluga. But it is eighty dollars the portion. FLETCH (whistles) I'd better only get two. How about the lobster thermidor? WAITER I recommend it. FLETCH Fine. And a couple of bottles of Dom Perignon. To cabana one. WAITER Very good, sir. The waiter leaves. Fletch looks around, takes a deep breath. FLETCH This is just the nicest place. 154 OMITTED and 155 156 EXT. CABANA ONE A little Spanish bungalow-type affair. Old California money-style elegance. Fletch rings the bell. MRS. STANWYK (V.O.) Who is it? FLETCH It's John. John... (forgets name) Znhcneelsky. MRS. STANWYK John Ultramalensky? She opens the door, clad only in a towel. A towel is wrapped around her head. She seems surprised, but not displeased, to see Fletch. She also seems a little at a loss for words. FLETCH Hi. MRS. STANWYK (finally) Hi. FLETCH I was hoping you'd say that. They have just shaken hands, and Fletch notices his hand is now sopping wet. MRS. STANWYK Uh...I'm just out of the shower. FLETCH Can I borrow your towel for a minute? She laughs a nervous little laugh. There is a bit of sexual tension here. MRS. STANWYK I'm sorry, I'm just surprised to see you. I didn't think...What do you want? FLETCH I ordered lunch. MRS. STANWYK You ordered it here? FLETCH Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be. MRS. STANWYK Down boy. With a nervous glance in both directions, she lets him in and closes the door behind them. 157 INT. CABANA They stand there for a few seconds looking at each other. MRS. STANWYK I really should change. FLETCH No, I think you should stay the same wonderful person you are today. MRS. STANWYK I mean put clothes on. FLETCH Here, take mine. He starts to take off his shirt. She is amused, and responds playfully, but firmly. MRS. STANWYK Stop that! He does. MRS. STANWYK Have you gotten cuter since I last saw you? FLETCH Yes. She stands there, looking around, trying to act as if her heartbeat weren't speeding up. SFX: Knock at door. FLETCH Lunch.... MRS. STANWYK God.... She goes sprinting into the bathroom. FLETCH Come on in. The door opens. A second Waiter, Mexican, solemnly wheels in a cart bearing the goodies ordered by Fletch. The twin bottle of Dom Perignon juts from a silver ice bucket. WAITER You want I set up? FLETCH No thanks, I'll do it. Give yourself twenty dollars. Underhill. WAITER Muchas gracias. FLETCH Sierra del fuego. The waiter bows, leaves, shuts the door. Mrs. Stanwyk scampers back in, gazes at the cart as Fletch takes a bottle of Dom Perignon and pops the cork. MRS. STANWYK All this goes on Underhill's bill? FLETCH (offering her a glass) I saved his life during the war. MRS. STANWYK You were in the war? FLETCH No. He was. I got him out. She laughs and sighs, knowing she's getting into something she probaly shouldn't. MRS. STANWYK I can't believe I'm doing this. Well, lets eat. She tucks a napkin in her towel like a bib and sits at the table. 158 EXT. RAQUET CLUB - DAY The Underhills have just been handed the bill run up by Fletch. MR. UNDERHILL Four hundred bucks for lunch??? WAITER Your guest, sir. MR. UNDERHILL We have no guest here today. (reading the bill) Two bottles of Dom Perignon, hundred bucks a pop. Jesus H. Christ! Where is he? WAITER I believe he's with Mrs. Stanwyk. MRS. UNDERHILL Gail Stanwyk. Tom, if he's with Gail Stanwyk --- MR. UNDERHILL I don't care who he's with! This is criminal. MRS. UNDERHILL Tom.... MR. UNDERHILL She's where, cabana one? WAITER Yes sir. Mr Underhill stalks off. 159 INT. CABANA - DAY Fletch and Mrs. Stanwyk are having lunch. Fletch sings while he opens the champagne. She is looking at his back which is turned to her. FLETCH 'I've been so many places in my life and times. I've sung a lot of songs, I've made some bad rhymes....' MRS. STANWYK It's amazing. FLETCH 'I've acted out my life on stages, with ten thousand people watching....' MRS. STANWYK Your bone structure, shoulders, neck.... FLETCH 'But we're alone now, and I'm singing this song for you.' MRS. STANWYK Just like Alan. It's freaky. FLETCH Can I ask you a question? MRS. STANWYK Depends on the question. FLETCH Are you still in love with Alan? MRS. STANWYK No. (quickly) I mean, 'no you can't ask me that.' I mean, ask me something else. FLETCH Why'd you let me in? MRS. STANWYK Because I'm bored. Oh, that sounds terrible, doesn't it. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I also let you in because I'm hungry. FLETCH Thanks, I feel much better. Listen, if you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan? MRS. STANWYK Utah is not exactly a cure for boredom. FLETCH Good point. MRS. STANWYK Oh, listen to me. I've never even been there and look what I say about it. Anyway, I know there'd be nothing for me to do. I don't even know anybody there. FLETCH What about his parents? MRS. STANWYK He never sees them and I never met them. FLETCH How come? SFX: Insistent knock at door. Fletch and Mrs. Stanwyk freeze. MRS. STANWYK Yes? MR. UNDERHILL (V.O.) Mrs. Stanwyk, I hate to disturb you. Tom Underhill here...I'm a new member. Fletch rises. FLETCH Thanks for the great time. MRS. STANWYK (sotto voice) What is this? FLETCH Long story. MR. UNDERHILL (V.O.) Apparently, someone of your acquaintance has charged the most extraordinary lunch to my bill. MRS. STANWYK (hissing) John! Fletch starts pushing the lunch table towards the bathroom. MRS. STANWYK You don't know the Underhills? MR. UNDERHILL (V.O.) I'd appreciate an opportunity to discuss this with you. MRS. STANWYK I just stepped out of the shower! Can you give me a minute? MR. UNDERHILL (V.O.) Of course. Mrs. Stanwyk follows Fletch into the bathroom. 160 INT BATHROOM Fletch jams the cart into the bathroom. FLETCH Take one end. Mrs. Stanwyk lifts one side of the cart. They lift it and put it up into the bathtub. There's a window in the bathroom. Fletch opens it. FLETCH I'll be leaving now, Mrs. Stanwyk. MRS. STANWYK I think you should call me Gail, now. FLETCH Gail. I hope this won't embarrass you in any way. I think Underhill's a yutz, you won't have any trouble with him. MRS. STANWYK Why did you do it? Fletch shrugs, smiles. MRS. STANWYK A four hundred dollar lunch tab! FLETCH Yeah. MRS. STANWYK I'll cover it. You have any other surprises? FLETCH (after a beat) Yeah. My name's not John Ultramalensky and I wasn't at your wedding. She stares at him. MRS. STANWYK Who. FLETCH Irwin Fletcher. I write a newspaper column under the name Jane Doe. A long beat. MRS. STANWYK So? FLETCH So, your husband hired me to kill him. That's the truth. MRS. STANWYK What are you talking about? FLETCH That's what I want to know. 161 EXT. CABANA Mr. Underhill knocks again. MR. UNDERHILL Mrs. Stanwyk! 162 INT. BATHROOM MRS. STANWYK In a minute! FLETCH He told me he was dying of cancer. Not True. That ranch you thought you were paying for in Utah? Not true. MRS. STANWYK How do you know about that? FLETCH He's a bad guy, Mrs. Stanwyk. Gail. I think he's involved in something very big and very bad. MRS. STANWYK What does all this mean? FLETCH Have you ever heard the name Jim Swarthout? MRS. STANWYK Swarthout. Yes. He's the man who sold us the ranch in --- FLETCH Wrong. He sold you $3,000 worth of scrub brush. MRS. STANWYK But I've seen the deed. FLETCH You saw a forgery. He takes out his photographs. FLETCH That's the real deed. 162-A INSERT - PHOTO OF DEED It's is so fuzzy, shaky, and poorly framed that there's no way we can read the price on it. FLETCH (O.S.) Now, if this were at all legible, you'd believe me. 162-B MASTER Fletch shows her more of the photos. FLETCH Here's this dog that tried to eat me. Here's my motel. Here's the car I rented.... MRS. STANWYK Stop it. (angry and concerned) Are you saying my husband is defrauding me? FLETCH I don't know. All I know is that he told me a lot of things and so far not one of them has been true. Mrs. Stanwyk stares at Fletch. She gets a little teary. FLETCH I'm really sorry I have to tell you all this. MR. UNDERHILL (O.S.) Mrs. Stanwyk? MRS. STANWYK (really screams) Just wait, all right?!? (to Fletch) I'm going to call my father. He'll know what --- Fletch stops her. FLETCH No. You can't. Look, I know you don't know me from Adam, but you've got to trust me. MRS. STANWYK Trust you? I may seem a little goofy at times, but I'm not a complete Bozo, you know. FLETCH Just give me twenty-four hours. Please. Someone almost killed me today. People are not being nice lately, and I don't want you getting hurt. I think you're terrific. Are you a Laker fan? Gail is now teary, confused, and scared. MRS. STANWYK No...I've got to go to Mr. Underhill.... FLETCH I'll take you to a game. MRS. STANWYK What are you talking about? FLETCH I'm talking about how much I'd like to take you to a Laker game. MRS. STANWYK Wait a second. What am I supposed to do for twenty-four hours? FLETCH (climbing out window) Act natural. MRS. STANWYK I was afraid you'd say that. FLETCH If you need me, call the paper. Hand me that extra bottle okay? 163 EXT. CABANA Gail opens the door where Mr. Underhill has been waiting. MRS. STANWYK Sorry. Here. (grabs the bill from his hand) Thanks. Bye. She closes the door in his face. 164 OMITTED 165 EXT. BOYD AVIATION - PARKING LOT Alan Stanwyk crosses the parking lot and gets into his Jaguar. He starts the engine, backs out of his reserved space, and pulls out of the lot. 166 ANOTHER ANGLE - PARKING LOT Fletch is reading a copy of Sports Illustrated. He puts it down, starts his car, and pulls out of the lot. 167 SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD Stanwyk's Jaguar tools down Santa Monica Boulevard. Fletch's car follows, several discreet car lengths behind. 168 INT. JAGUAR Stanwyk checks his watch, and makes a turn. 169 MASTER Stanwyk has pulled into a service station. He gets out of his car and opens the trunk. 170 FLETCH He pulls into a fast-food joint on the west side of the street. He opens the Sports Illustrated and peers over it. 171 STANWYK He takes a gas can from the trunk, goes to the pump, fills it, and pays the attendant in cash. 172 FLETCH Curious. 173 STANWYK He puts the gas can back in the trunk, gets into the car, and starts off. 174 FLETCH follows suit. 175 SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD We are getting into the increasingly rundown section of Santa Monica. The Jaguar turns off. Hold: Several beats later, Fletch turns off. 176 OVERPASS A freeway overpass. Stanwyk stops his car. 177 FLETCH'S CAR He pulls off behind a liquor store, in view of the overpass. Fletch waits. 178 OVERPASS A second car pulls up behind Stanwyk's. A cop steps out and says something to Stanwyk. Stanwyk gets out of his car and walks over to the unmarked police car, and gets in. 178-A FLETCH takes out his binoculars. 178-B FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW Because he's looking through the reflection of sunlight on the back window of the unmarked police car, Fletch's point of view is fuzzy, but we can just make out the form of someone else in animated conversation with Stanwyk. 178-C FLETCH A moment of possible recognition. He focuses intently. 178-D FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - THE OTHER MAN IN THE CAR with Stanwyk...is Police Chief Cummings. 179 FLETCH FLETCH Jesus. He starts up his car and backs out. DISSOLVE TO 180 EXT. FLETCH'S APARTMENT HOUSE Fletch pulls up to his house and stops the car. 181 INT. CAR Fletch looks around. 182 EXT. HOUSE Fletch doesn't leave the car. 183 INT. CAR Fletch sits put, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He just has a feeling. He starts the car up, and pulls out. 184 EXT. HOUSE Two cop cars, concealed in driveways, scream out, heading after Fletch's car. 185 INT. FLETCH'S CAR Fletch sees them in the rearview and stomps on the gas. FLETCH Should've known. Goddamn it. 186 EXT. STREETS Fletch floors it. FLETCH Great. First I'll get a speeding ticket, then they'll shoot me. Terrific. Fletch cuts through the parking lot of a drug store/dry cleaning complex. The cop cars follow suit. Shopping wagons are tossed about. He turns a corner and realizes he has a few seconds before they're on top of him again. He screeches up next to a teenager in a sports car. FLETCH All right, fella, smog check. Move over. Before the guy can say "who?", Fletch is in the guy's driver seat and tears out, hell bent for leather. 187 ENTRANCE TO FREEWAY Fletch peels off onto the Santa Monica Freeway. 188 FREEWAY Fletch hits about ninety. So do the cops. Now a motorcycle cop joins the chase. 189 OMITTED 189-A INT. SPORTS CAR TEENAGER Holy sh*t! FLETCH Sorry, youngster, but we have to see what kind of fluorocarbons this thing puts out at ninety-five. TEENAGER Holy sh*t! FLETCH Don't worry about the speed limit. That's what the police escort's for. 190 EXT. FREEWAY Indeed, behind them is a gaggle of speeding cop cars and motorcycles. TEENAGER (O.S.) Holy sh*t! Fletch cuts across two lanes of traffic and gets off the freeway. He loses the motorcycle cop who goes past the exit. The squad cars are thrown behind a bit, but still chase. 191 INT. SQUAD CAR COP #1 Sh*t! He'll kill us if we lose him. 191-A INT. SPORTS CAR The teenager is sweating bullets. TEENAGER Okay, okay, just stop, will you. I admit it. I stole it. I was just taking it for a little joy ride, that's all.... FLETCH Holy sh*t. 191-B EXT. CAR Fletch squeals around a corner, runs a light, and booms into the parking lot of a large Holiday Inn. He's a few seconds ahead of the cops. FLETCH Okay, kid. Just stand here with your hands on the car and wait for the cops. I gotta pee. Here, take my hat. Fletch pops his hat on the kid's head, and runs off. 192 EXT. HOLIDAY INN Fletch runs into the kitchen entrance of the Holiday Inn. 193 INT. HOLIDAY INN KITCHEN Fletch picks up a case of vegetables and walks through as if he belonged there. Moments later, two cops enter. 194 THE COPS can't see him because of the crate. 195 INT. HOLIDAY INN - BANQUET ROOM A testimonial dinner is in progress. A sign on the wall reads: TRB SYSTEMS SALUTES FRED DORFMAN 40 YEARS OF SERVICE Thirty tables of conservatively dressed, older men and women are enjoying lunch. Fletch enters from the kitchen followed by several waiters and busboys. He looks over his shoulder. 196 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - KITCHEN Two cops are in hot pursuit. 197 FLETCH moves into the middle of the tables as a florid fat Speaker at the dais drones on. SPEAKER ...and he can truly be called the Father of Internal Bushings. A round of applause which Fletch joins heartily, as he quickly sits in the audience at an empty seat at a table in the center. FLETCH (to his table) Hello. I'm with the hotel catering. Are you enjoying your meal? Carrots overcooked? Fletch looks to the kitchen entrance and sees two cops scanning the crowd. One signals to the opposite door. 198 DOOR Four more cops converge, looking for Fletch. Distant sirens indicate even more. 199 MASTER SPEAKER And now a man who needs no further introduction.... The police spot Fletch and start moving forward. Fletch stands up. A spotlight swings onto him. FLETCH Thank you, Tony, thank you. As a lifelong friend of.... (looks at banner) ...Fred Dorfman, I'm thrilled to be here. 200 DIAS Fred Dorfman turns to the people on either side of him and whispers, obviously wondering who the hell this guy is. 201 FLETCH The cops are hesitant to move in. They wait for Fletch to finish and get out of the light. FLETCH Many of you are probably not aware of Freddie's lifelong commitment to honoring a profession that frequently goes unsung -- the police. Many times Fred used to forsake a night with his wife and children to go out an sell tickets for the Policemen's Benevolent Association. 202 POLICE look at each other, sensing a trick, and start to move in. 203 FLETCH going for broke. FLETCH Our men in blue are with us today, and I think we should all extend a shake of the hand, a slap on the back and a 'howdy' to them. 204 POLICE moving faster, but impeded by the crowd which rises and follows Fletch's suggestion. 205 FLETCH out of the crowd, still encouraging the crowd. FLETCH When was the last time you hugged a cop? Do it for my good friend Tommy Lasorda. Doesn't it feel good? Don't you wish you'd done it long ago? one cop raises his gun towards Fletch, but the crowd is too close, too busy. Fletch shakes his hand and slugs him so hard on the back that he falls over into the crowd. FLETCH Let them know how we feel, with a song. For every cop on every beat in every city of this great nation. (singing) 'For he's a jolly good fellow....' (calls out) Everybody! (sings) 'For he's a jolly good fellow....' The crowd sings along the rest of the verse. Fletch looks back to the kitchen entrance at the police who are swallowed in a sea of congratulations and singing. Fletch takes his time strolling out of the kitchen. 206 INT. LAX - DAY Fletch is at the Pan Am counter, talking with a reservation Clerk. CLERK Yes sir, you are confirmed on Flight 306 to Rio tomorrow evening at 11 PM. First Class. FLETCH You're kidding. CLERK Would you like me to change anything? FLETCH (to himself) So he's going. Uh...are there any other tickets charged to the same account? CLERK We'd have no way of knowing that, sir. FLETCH Hmm. It's just that there are some other people from my office going on this trip and...is there anyone in the seat next to me? The clerk checks the computer. CLERK Yes, there is. Cavanaugh. Fletch shakes his head. He's never heard of him. FLETCH Never heard of him. Thanks anyway. CLERK You mean her. FLETCH What? CLERK Sally Ann Cavanaugh. Oh wait, she couldn't work in your office, she's not from around here. FLETCH Oh, thanks. Fletch walks off and we follow him. CLERK She's from Utah. 207 EXT. PROVO AIRPORT - DAY as Fletch emerges from the Rent-A-Car office and drives off. 208 EXT. PROVO STREET - DAY A lower-middle-class area, one that seems to be sliding fast -- the plans are scraggly, the houses need paint. Fletch's rental pulls up over the curb onto the sidewalk. Fletch gets out, checks a piece of paper, and goes up the steps to a dark-shingled two-story house. 209 TOP OF STEPS Fletch looks at the name over the doorbell. 210 CARD written in smeared ink: "CAVANAUGH". 211 FLETCH rings the doorbell. It sounds like a fire alarm in the quiet. Nobody answers. Fletch tries the door. It opens. Fletch hums the old "Dragnet" theme. 212 INT. HOUSE still humming the theme. FLETCH 'Bom-ba-bom-bom...bommmm.' Fletch enters. 213 FLETCH's POINT OF VIEW - LIVING ROOM The shelves are bare. Furniture is in place. 214 MASTER Fletch enters the kitchen, and opens the refrigerator. Inside is a can of coffee, and some vegetables. Fletch leaves the kitchen and heads for the bedroom. We follow him as he enters the bedroom. 215 INT. BEDROOM Fletch opens the closet. It's bare. He pulls open the drawers. Nothing. Fletch gets down and looks under the bed. VOICE Who the hell are you? In his surprise, Fletch bangs his head as he starts up. 216 REVERSE At the door stands a gruff-looking Man in a red and black hunter's jacket, overalls, and a hat with earflaps. He holds a rifle. MAN Get up. 217 MASTER Fletch gets up. FLETCH The door was unlocked. MAN Lock's busted. FLETCH No wonder. MAN I work for the landlord. He told me to watch out for the place. FLETCH I commend him on his choice. MAN What? FLETCH I commend him on his choice The Man stares at him, holding the gun. He's not the brightest guy in the world, and Fletch has already caught on to that. FLETCH I was supposed to meet Mrs. Cavanaugh. MAN Who are you? FLETCH Don Corleone. I'm a cousin of Mrs. Cavanaugh's. The Man just stares at Fletch. Fletch starts to move ever so slightly, testing his freedom of movement. FLETCH Where is she? MAN Moved out. FLETCH She moved out? The Man nods and cocks the weapon. Fletch stops his tentative movements and just looks around the room FLETCH I spoke to her last week. She didn't say anything. MAN She moved out. FLETCH So you're saying she moved out. MAN This morning. FLETCH This morning? Christ. We had so much to talk about. Moe Green is out of the Tropicana, and my sons, Michael and Fredo, are taking over. The Man continues to gaze unblinkingly at Fletch, holding the rifle. MAN What did you want under the bed? FLETCH Mattress police. There are no tags on the mattress. I'm going to have to take you downtown. Please give me your weapon. MAN I'm calling the cops. This is for the cops. FLETCH I'm her cousin. MAN Tell the cops. FLETCH Go ahead. Call them. Better tie your shoelaces first. The man looks down at his shoelaces. Fletch kicks the gun out of his hand and runs through the house. 218 EXT. HOUSE Fletch runs out of the house and jumps into his car. 219 INT. CAR Fletch pulls out. The rear window is suddenly blown away. FLETCH I'm getting real tired of all this hostility. 220 EXT. PROVO PIG FARM Fletch pulls up, gets out of the car and addresses the couple sitting on the porch of the house. FLETCH Evening. (nods toward car) They oughta recall these things. One bump,the whole window goes. 221 PORCH Sitting on the porch is a couple in their late sixties, whom we are about to learn are Alan Stanwyk's parents -- Marvin and Velma. FLETCH (approaching the steps) Are you Mr. Marvin Stanwyk? Marvin nods FLETCH I'm Harry S. Truman from Casewell Insurance Underwriters. MARVIN (smiles) Harry S. Truman? FLETCH My parents were great fans of the former President. MARVIN Isn't that nice. Good man. Showed the Japs a thing or two. FLETCH Sure did. Dropped the big one on them. MARVIN Dropped two big ones. Real fighter. You're in the insurance line, Harry? FLETCH Right. MARVIN Well, I'm fully covered. FLETCH I don't doubt it, Mr. Stanwyk. Actually, my company is the sub-insurer of the subsidiary carriers of a policy held by Alan Stanwyk, who I believe is your son. MARVIN Yes. Where you from, Harry? FLETCH California. San Berdoo. Utah's part of my route. Can I ask you a few questions? MARVIN Come on in. 222 INT. MARVIN AND VELMA'S LIVING ROOM Fletch and the Stanwyks face each other on couches that flank the fireplace. Fletch has a clipboard on which he will take notes. FLETCH First, a couple of routine things: are you and you wife currently alive? Marvin just stares at him. FLETCH Regulations, Mr. Stanwyk. And you and your wife, named.... MARVIN Velma. Velma smiles. FLETCH Velma. You and Velma are the parents of Alan Stanwyk, Beverly Hills, California, executive vice president of Boyd Aviation? MARVIN Check. FLETCH Okay. (makes notation) Now, the last time you saw your son was when? MARVIN Oh, about ten days ago. Fletch is taken aback. FLETCH Ten days ago? MARVIN That's right. Alan comes by every three weeks or so. This is all news to Fletch, but he covers his surprise. FLETCH Isn't that nice. Since when? MARVIN Since he moved to L.A. Fletch is very interested in all this. FLETCH Forgive me now for seeming personal, but we understand that there is a lady friend he sees here in Provo. MARVIN What the hell does this have to do with insurance? FLETCH Trust me, sir. It's a comprehensive policy. MARVIN Well, you can forget about that lady friend business, Alan's the most loyal husband a girl could have. He dotes on that bride of his. VELMA Cute young thing, too. FLETCH I'm sorry? VELMA His bride. Cute as a button. FLETCH You've met her? MARVIN Well, of course we have. He brings her with him. Fletch is getting very puzzled and very concerned about all this. FLETCH Has Alan ever mentioned the name Sally Ann Cavanaugh? Marvin and Velma exchange the oddest of glances between them. FLETCH Has he? MARVIN Boy, what the hell's the matter with you? FLETCH Then he has. MARVIN Course he has. That's his wife. You could knock Fletch over with a straw. Again, he quickly recovers. FLETCH Of course, his wife's name is Sally Ann Cavanaugh? VELMA Cute thing. FLETCH (starting to sweat a little) Do you happen to have a picture of Alan and his wife? VELMA Oh, we've got lots of pictures. Let me show you some. Velma rummages through a family album on a side table as Fletch tried to sort all this out in his mind. She brings a photo over to him. He looks at it. 223 INSERT - PHOTO It's a wedding photo of Alan and a woman we have not seen. She is brunette and quite unlike Gail. Alan wears a similar sh*t-eating grin, and makes a similar thumbs-up gesture to the wedding photo with Gail that Fletch saw in Boyd's office. 224 FLETCH He sighs. FLETCH And they're still married...Alan and Sally Ann. MARVIN Of course they are. VELMA She's cute as a button. FLETCH How long have they been married? MARVIN Lets see, it was before he moved to L.A...four years April. FLETCH Mrs. Stanwyk, may I borrow this picture. I promise to send it back to you. It's routine, really. The actuarial people need to --- VELMA Oh, that's all right, I've got lots more. Want to see the reception? FLETCH (rising) No, thank you. VELMA How about Marvin's sixty-fifth birthday party? Exit Fletch. 225 INT. PROVO MOTEL ROOM Fletch is on the phone. FLETCH Frank told you that? 226 INT. NEWSROOM - MORGUE Larry is on the phone. LARRY I overheard it. He thinks you're completely out of control, he said he was gonna can you as soon as he got the story. If I were you, I'd just chuck it, Fletch. Screw him. Let him eat three full pages on Sunday. 227 MOTEL ROOM FLETCH You kidding? I got an unbelievable story here, Lar. Un-believable. Jesus. It's the cops, I know it. The Chief! And they're all over Frank. 228 MORGUE LARRY I just thought...sure. (takes out pad and starts writing) Sally Ann Cavanaugh. 229 MOTEL ROOM FLETCH Check every hotel in L.A. Start with the ones near the airport. Yeah. He's about to leave the country with her. Thanks, Lar. 230 INT. MOTEL BATHROOM - LATER Fletch is in the shower, lipsynching to the radio. Elvis is singing, "All Shook Up." FLETCH 'welluh bless my soul whatsuh wrong with me? I'ma itchin' like a man Inuh fuzzy tree....' The phone rings. Fletch gets out, throws on a towel and picks up a phone mounted over the crapper. FLETCH Yeah...No kidding. The Marriott at LAX. Sonofabitch...Checked in this morning. Great. Thanks a million. And call Gail Stanwyk at the Racquet Club. Tell her I have to meet her tonight. Eight o'clock at the club. Urgent and confidential. Thanks. 231 INT. PLANE - NIGHT Fletch is sitting in a semi-deserted flight on his way back home. He is hunched over an airline meal, eating with his right hand and turning in his mini recorder with his left. FLETCH Question: But as he pushed the button down, the tape pops out. He fumbles it back in, and then pushes another button. FLETCH Question.... TAPE RECORDER (Fletch's voice playing back) Day three on the beach. Fat Sam still hasn't moved, and --- FLETCH (stopping the machine) What's wrong with my life? He starts it right this time. FLETCH Question: Why does a man marry a millionaire's daughter in Beverly Hills if he is already married to a girl who lives in a crappy one bedroom apartment in Utah? Answer: Three million dollars. Big Question: What's with Stanwyk and Cummings? I don't know. Bigger Question: Why does Stanwyk want me to kill him? He takes a spoonful of airline food, chewing meditatively. FLETCH (continuing) Biggest Question: Why do I eat this sh*t? (to passing stewardess) Miss, I believe this has already been eaten. 232 EXT. MRS. STANWYK'S CABANA - NIGHT Fletch knocks on the door, and a tensely white-faced Mrs. Stanwyk quickly lets him in and shuts the door behind him. MRS. STANWYK I want you to know that dramatic phone calls about secret meetings scare the sh*t out of me. He can sense she is unusually upset. FLETCH What's wrong, Gail? MRS. STANWYK I decided I was going to tell my husband about you today. FLETCH No. MRS. STANWYK But first I called the Hall of Records in Provo. They checked on the deed. You're telling the truth. A minute later Alan came in the room and asked me why I was shaking. Fletch waits anxiously to hear if she told Alan about him. MRS. STANWYK So I told him...I told him I was just cold or something. Fletch sighs with relief. MRS. STANWYK I've never lied to him before. (chokes back a sob) It's the first time he's ever lied to me. He was just as convincing as when he says 'I love you.' FLETCH I think you better sit down. MRS. STANWYK Oh God, I hate things that start like that.... FLETCH Gail, please. She sits in a chair. he hands her the wedding photo. FLETCH I got this from Alan's parents. By the way, they see him all the time. First she looks at Fletch with puzzlement. Then, she looks at the photo and can't seem to decide what to think of it. But she knows it's bad. MRS. STANWYK What is this.... FLETCH I checked. There was no divorce. MRS. STANWYK Are you telling me my husband is a bigamist??? FLETCH I'm telling you he's not your husband at all. She is stunned. FLETCH And they're leaving the country tomorrow night. MRS. STANWYK (rocked) Bastard. FLETCH I don't have all the pieces yet, but I'm close. I'll know tomorrow. MRS. STANWYK I'm calling the police. Right now. FLETCH You cant do that. MRS. STANWYK Don't tell me I can't --- FLETCH They're trying to kill me! She is taken aback by that, but there is a determination in her eyes. MRS. STANWYK Your twenty-four hours are up, Fletch. She starts for the phone, but he stops her. FLETCH You're going to have to trust me, Gail. You have to. Now listen to me: he's expecting you to go to your meeting tomorrow night. Do it. Stay out of the house. There is a long beat. MRS. STANWYK I'm terrified. FLETCH Come here. He puts his arms around her and holds her tight against him. After a few seconds she raises her head and turns the hug into a kiss. Then the kiss turns passionate. DISSOLVE TO 233 FRISBEE sails across the surf. 234 EXT. BEACH - DAY - WIDER The usual scene-- a mix of teeny-boppers, junkies and surfers. Into the f.g. step a couple of "surfers." They're wearing wet suits and carrying surfboards, but they're obviously cops. They sit down. Across the beach, a Sufi, dressed in a turban and flowing garments, crosses the sand. SURFER COP A Sufi junkie. The cops laugh derisively and turn their attention else-where. 235 CLOSER ON SUFI It's Fletch. he's got a beard pasted on, and nervously scans the beach. 236 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - GUMMY is seated on a towel. 237 MASTER Fletch sits near, but not next to, Gummy. FLETCH Gum? Gummy looks around. FLETCH I'm the Sufi. GUMMY Fletch? FLETCH Don't call me Fletch. Don't look at me. Lie back down. We'll talk. GUMMY What? FLETCH Cops are here. I can smell them. They're after me. Lie down, Gum. Gummy lies back down. GUMMY Why are they after you? FLETCH Because I'm a newspaper reporter and I'm nailing Chief Cummings as the source for drugs on the beach. You're in big trouble, Gummy. Gummy sits up. FLETCH Sit back down. Gummy lies down again. FLETCH Fat Sam is turning state's evidence. GUMMY What's that? FLETCH He wrote me a nice deposition. He says he just received the drugs. You did the selling. GUMMY I didn't sell nothing! I didn't sell nothing! I just carried the drugs from the Chief to Sam. FLETCH Sure you did. GUMMY Fletch, I never sold nothing. FLETCH Twenty years. Fletch gets up and adjusts his flowing robes. FLETCH Can't do a thing with this robe. One more question, Gum...don't look at me. Gummy lies back down. FLETCH Where does the Chief get the drugs? GUMMY I dunno. Somewhere in South America, I forget. FLETCH Rio de Janeiro, maybe? GUMMY Maybe, Fletch. Is that Brazil? FLETCH That's Brazil. GUMMY Yeah. Maybe. FLETCH Wait here for me, Gummy. Gummy looks questioningly at him. FLETCH It's the only way you'll be safe. Believe me. Fletch crosses the sand, heads for "Fat Sam's". 238 "FAT SAM'S" Sam is reading the National Review. He looks up, sees Fletch approaching, and grins. FAT SAM Jesus. FLETCH You don't know me. FAT SAM (smiling) My pleasure. FLETCH I'm serious, Sam. FAT SAM What, the heat here? FLETCH Affirmative. FAT SAM The two surfer boys? FLETCH Affirmative. FAT SAM Thought so. What for? FLETCH For me. I'm a reporter, Sam. I'm breaking the drug story and I got the chief red-handed. Gummy game me a deposition. FAT SAM (smiles) You gonna nail the chief? FLETCH I'm gonna nail the chief. And you can help or --- FAT SAM Oh, I'll help, Fletch. I'm a slave to that sonofabitch. He busted me, third offense, gave me a choice: Work for him or do fifteen long. All I get out of this is free snort. FLETCH You don't have a piece of the action? FAT SAM Noooo. Free snort. That's it. FLETCH (hands him a card) Wait five minutes, and go to my office. You'll get federal protection after that. FAT SAM Gonna need it. That boy is dangerous. Fletch? FLETCH What? FAT SAM You find the source? FLETCH Gum thought Brazil. FAT SAM Rio. Know how he gets it in the country? Some big shot airline executive flies it in on company jets. Very impressive operation, Fletch. Very impressive. 239 and OMITTED 240 241 INT. NEWSPAPER - CITY ROOM Fletch parades through the city room, still in his Sufi getup. He takes off the beard and heads for Frank Walker's office. Fat Sam and Gummy, looking like fish out of water, follow him. 242 WALKER'S OFFICE Fletch marches in with Sam and Gummy. Walker gawks at him. WALKER Fletch.... Fletch takes off the turban. FLETCH I'm quitting, Frank. As of midnight tonight. WALKER What? (stares at Fat Sam and Gummy) Who the hell are they? FLETCH This is Fat Sam, and this is Gummy. (hands two sheets of paper to Walker) WALKER What.... FLETCH Their statements, naming Chief Cummings as the numero uno drug pusher from here to Oxnard. I want them to have federal protection under the paper's sponsorship. Walker just stares at the sheets. WALKER Jesus H. Christ. (smiles) Fletch, this is the greatest. FAT SAM He's some reporter, this guy. FLETCH I'm out, Frank. You lost faith in me. WALKER Fletch, I got nervous. Please.... FLETCH Forget it. Fletch takes off his robe and drops it to the floor. Beneath the robes he's wearing cutoffs and a Bob McAdoo t-shirt. FLETCH I'm going to write the story. Just hold the last couple of paragraphs till ten o'clock tonight. Fletch leaves the office. FLETCH (to Fat Sam and Gummy) Make yourselves comfortable, guys, but don't leave the office. 243 CORRIDOR Fletch heads for his office. Walker follows. WALKER Fletch! Fletch doesn't answer. 244 FLETCH'S OFFICE Fletch enters the office and kicks his door closed. Walker opens it. WALKER Fletch, you want an apology? FLETCH You were going to can me, right? WALKER (fumbles) Not really. FLETCH Not really? WALKER I was upset. FLETCH I'm sick of this place. I'm going to try out for the Lakers. They need a power forward. WALKER Fletch. Fletch sits down and turns on his word processor, ignoring Walker. 245 EXT. STANWYK HOUSE - NIGHT Fletch parks his Olds halfway up on the sidewalk, and gets out. He climbs over the gates of the Stanwyk home, and drops down inside. He lands on the grass, trots around the shrubbery, heads toward the garage, and checks his watch. 246 WATCH It's five minutes before eight. 247 INT. STANWYK'S GARAGE The jaguar is parked just where it is supposed to be, and the key is in the ignition. Fletch thinks for a moment and looks around. He sees a pile of torn rags on the ground. He removes the key from the ignition and opens the trunk. 248 INT. TRUNK. Six large gasoline cans and more rags. 249 FLETCH Another piece of the puzzle fits in place. 250 EXT. HOUSE Fletch reaches the rear of the house. He peers inside. 251 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - STANWYK is in the library, sitting patiently at his desk. 252 FLETCH approaches the French doors and enters. 253 and OMITTED 254 255 INT. LIBRARY Alan rises from his desk to greet him. His hair is combed like Fletch's. We can see that beneath his sports jacket he is wearing a Magic Johnson t-shirt and jeans. MR. STANWYK Good evening. FLETCH I like your outfit. You got the fifty grand and the plane ticket? MR. STANWYK Of course. Stanwyk nods toward a small briefcase in the corner. Fletch eyes it quickly, and just as quickly looks back at Stanwyk who just stands there by his desk. MR. STANWYK Why don't you check it out for yourself, Mr. Nugent? FLETCH (smiles) Because I trust you, Alan. By the way, the name's Fletcher. I.M. Fletcher. I write a newspaper column under the name Jane Doe. MR. STANWYK What? Fletch holds out an envelope. FLETCH Read this, please. MR. STANWYK Wait a second --- FLETCH Cut the crap and read it. Stanwyk unfolds the paper. FLETCH (continuing) Unless my people hear differently, this letter goes out at midnight. 256 INSERT LETTER We see that it is addressed to: JOHN BOYD CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD BOYD AVIATION 257 STANWYK MR. STANYK (reading) 'Dear Sir: Alan Stanwyk murdered me tonight. The charred remains found by the police in the Jaguar are mine, not his. Mr. Stanwyk, using my name and passport, boarded Pan Am Flight 306 for Rio, where he intends to establish residence with ---' He stares at Fletch. 258 FLETCH He is lifting Stanwyk's two attaché cases. FLETCH Pretty hefty. Keep reading. 259 STANWYK MR. STANWYK (reading) '...with his legal wife, the former Sally Ann Cavanaugh.' Stanwyk stops. He's stunned, and not about to read anymore of this. GAIL'S VOICE (O.S.) Keep reading, Alan. Stanwyk spins to the doorway. 259-A GAIL STANWYK standing in the doorway. MRS. STANWYK Don't worry, I can take it. 260 MASTER FLETCH You shouldn't be here. MRS. STANWYK I want to hear this. Fletch takes the letter from Alan. FLETCH He doesn't read my stuff well. (reads) 'Sally Ann and Alan were married four years ago and never divorced, making Stanwyk a bigamist even in Utah. Stanwyk is also traveling with three million dollars in cash, the result of Gail Stanwyk's conversion of Boyd Aviation stock. Mrs. Stanwyk believed the money was to be used to purchase property in Utah, but it wasn't; a fact that can be confirmed by realtor James Swarthout of Provo.' (aside) That was stupid, Alan. MR. STANWYK I'd have been long gone. FLETCH Ahem. (continues reading) 'Sally Ann can confirm all this when the police pick her up at the Airport Marriott.' Mr. Stanwyk blanches. Fletch continues. FLETCH 'By the way, Alan is a very big drug smuggler, but you can read all about that in tomorrow's paper. Sincerely yours, I.M. Fletcher. P.S. Have a nice day.' Alan mulls over all this for a few seconds, then smiles wistfully. MR. STANWYK Bravo, Mr. Fletcher. FLETCH The thing that really tipped it off for me was something your wife said to me while we were in bed together. Stanwyk shoots a surprised look at Gail. She returns it with an innocent shrug. MR. STANWYK (to Fletch) And what was that? FLETCH How similar in build you and I are. then I figured it. You bump me off, throw me in the car, and burn me up. MRS. STANWYK My God, Alan, you really are and a**hole, aren't you? Now it is Alan's turn to shrug innocently. MR. STANWYK Sorry, darling. MRS. STANWYK You sonofabitch. MR. STANWYK Yes, I suppose I am. But I'm not a stupid sonofabitch. Mr. Stanwyk reaches into his desk and pulls out his gun, and levels it at Fletch. MR. STANWYK I was already prepared to commit one murder. What makes you think I won't commit two? FLETCH Whoops. MRS. STANWYK (her bravado deflated) 'Whoops?' What do you mean 'whoops?' Don't say 'whoops.' MR. STANWYK I mean, by the time your story gets published, I'll be on the beach. I understand extradition from Rio is very complicated. I'll bet for two murders it's even more so. FLETCH That is a lighter, isn't it? Just then, the French doors swing open, and Chief Cummings enters. CUMMINGS Greetings, everyone. FLETCH (dryly) Thank God, the police. MR. STANWYK What the hell are you doing here? CUMMINGS Put the gun down, Alan. I'll take care of them. Stanwyk lowers the gun. MRS. STANWYK (to Fletch) I thought you had this all figured out. Good going 'Irwin.' FLETCH Don't ever call me 'Irwin,' okay? MRS. STANWYK (to Cummings) I've got it all under control, Jerry. You can go now. CUMMINGS (laughs) Under control? You idiot. You didn't know who he was? During the following dialogues, Fletch starts nudging the fireplace's gas lighter jet key with his foot. CUMMINGS Fat Sam left the beach today. So did Gummy. It began to occur to me that some things are beginning to happen that maybe I should be aware of. MR. STANWYK I said I'll take care of it. Now, a man of your position shouldn't be a part of what's about to go down. So go home and I'll call you tomorrow. CUMMINGS What, 'long distance?' I couldn't help but hear you say something about Rio, Alan. You're not leaving with the eight hundred thousand dollars I staked you for the next load, are you? FLETCH Whoa. Well, you two obviously have a lot to talk over, so we'll go catch the last ten minutes of Dynasty. Fletch and Gail actually start to leave, but Cummings draws his gun and fires over their heads. They dive for the floor, landing on the side of the fireplace. Fletch palms a Zippo lighter from his pocket. MR. STANWYK Jerry, you're simply going to have to trust me. I've got a foolproof way to get rid of this guy and now you're jeopardizing everything. CUMMINGS Your 'foolproof' way is going to land my a** on the front page while you're basking in Rio. FLETCH ...with your money. Cummings turns his head momentarily to consider what Fletch has said, and Stanwyk takes advantage of the distraction to go for his gun. But he is too slow. Cummings shoots once, striking Stanwyk in the chest, killing him instantly. Gail screams in horror. Cummings turns to Fletch. CUMMINGS This one's going to be even more fun. FLETCH (striking the Zippo) Go ahead. Make my evening. Fletch hurls the lighter into the fireplace, causing a great whoosh of flames. Cummings throws his hands up in front of his face and Fletch leaps at him, wrestling him to the ground. Cummings is the stronger of the two, and just as he starts to gain dominance over Fletch, Gail Stanwyk staggers to her feet, picks up her husband's tennis racket in it's wooden brace, and slams it against Cummings' head with all her might. The Chief is knocked out. Fletch lies there, panting, trying to catch his breath. He looks up at Gail, still holding the racket, and staring at Alan's body. Fletch hustles her out of the room. 260-A HALLWAY FLETCH I'm calling the police. Then I'm leaving. You wait here for them. GAIL Where are you going? FLETCH Away. I think it might take you a while to get your life back together. You don't need me around. (indicates the library) Don't go back in there. He starts to leave. She calls after him. GAIL (still holding the racket) I really creamed the sonofabitch, didn't I? FLETCH (smiles) You sure did. Fletch exits. DISSOLVE TO 261 EXT. RIO DE JANEIRO - DAY With Sugarloaf Mountain in the b.g., Fletch lies in a lounge chair, sipping an exotic drink, watching the cavorting lovelies and playing his battered Casio. This is obviously at some very expensive beach club or hotel, as witnessed by the uniformed servant who brings a telephone. WAITER (Brazilian accent) Your call is come through. FLETCH Far out. (to the phone) Larry? It's Fletch. (pause, looks around) Well, it's not 'Fat Sam's', but...any port in a storm. (pause) Oh, tell Frank I need a couple of months. The fifty grand's lasting longer than I thought. He pauses again to listen to Larry, but sees something O.S. that takes over his attention. he doesn't wait for Larry to finish what she's saying. FLETCH I gotta go, Lar. He hangs up and stands. We see that Gail has just walked up to him. The way they look at each other indicates they have not seen each other for awhile, and her arrival is a surprise to Fletch. GAIL John Ultramalensky, right? FLETCH Right. GAIL God, I haven't seen you since the wedding. FLETCH Gee, I must have been sh*t-faced at your wedding, I don't --- GAIL Not mine, stupid. Yours. FLETCH (big smile) What are you doing here? They start walking down the beach. We stay right with them. GAIL I couldn't sit home and play the mournful widow anymore, and the police didn't need me, so I tried watching a Lakers game on TV, but the announcer talked to fast and I couldn't understand a lot of what was happening, so I figured if I came down here maybe you could explain the rules to me, and besides, I missed you. FLETCH No problem. He puts his arm around her, as we watch them leave us behind and walk off down the beach. FLETCH Basketball, of course, was invented in France, and is played with a large ball, two tongue depressors and a fish.... Fletch ad-libs just like Chevy Chase would as they walk further away down the beach until we.... FADE OUT THE END

THE FLINTSTONES Written by STEVEN E. DE SOUZA Based on characters created by JOE BARBERA & WILLIAM HANNA Early Draft - September 1987 FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY THE FLINTSTONES FADE IN: 1 EXT. SLATE QUARRY - DAY 1 FRED FLINTSTONE, archetypical Everyman, sits atop his faithful heavy-equipment dinosaur, cranking the winch that makes the mighty beast rip and tear into the quarry wall. 2 THE QUARRY FOREMAN 2 looks down at his wristwatch. Well... actually, it's a wrist sundial. And it's magic time... quittin' time... Millerock time! Now the foreman turns from his watch to a steam whistle bird, and yanks its tail. The BIRD SQUAWKS the end of the workday -- 3 ANOTHER ANGLE 3 FRED YABBA DABBA DO -- ! Fred happily discards his hard hat, leaps out of the canvas-roofed cab on the dino's back, slides down the tail and bounces right into the seat of his stone and timber car! He gets up to a running start with the only motor (his feet), slows to allow a "time clock" dinosaur to punch his stone timecard, and then he's trotting back up to speed and out of the gate! MUSIC comes UP and OVER -- MUSIC (V.O.) 'Flintstones, Meet the Flintstones, They're a modern Stone age fam-i-ly --' -- And so forth, as for the first time in "his-tor-y" we see the Flintstones' OPENING CREDITS live! 4 TIGHT ON A MAILBOX 4 reading "FLINTSTONE." We WIDEN as Fred SKIDS to a halt in the driveway of his three-bedroom ranch cave. A moment later, WILMA and PEBBLES run out -- both looking just like they should -- and get into the car. A beat behind them are the Flintstone pets, Dino and the saber-toothed cat. Fred pauses, looks around... HONKS his HORN... BARNEY, BETTY and BAM-BAM come out of the neighboring house, hop in! (CONTINUED) 2. 4 CONTINUED: 4 Fred's feet slap on the street as the car starts up -- MUSIC (V.O.) 'From the Town of Bedrock They're a page right Out of his-tor-y -- ' 5 DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATRE - DUSK 5 Fred and company pull in. He takes a giant sea shell "speaker" off of its wooden stand and hooks it to his car door. He leans over, puts his arm around Wilma. (In the back seat, Dino pops his head up, tearing through the canvas top.) Dino picks up Pebbles and Bam-Bam and puts them on his head for a better view. CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON the drive-in screen and the words that America has waited twenty-five years to see in 70mm Dolby(TM) drop- your-popcorn reality: THE FLINTSTONES And as the MAIN CREDITS ROLL, we -- DISSOLVE TO: 6 AN EERIE CARBONIFEROUS FOREST - DAWN 6 Dew drips from strange multi-leafed plants. Giant DRAGONFLIES BUZZ AND HUM to and fro. Bubbles rise from a still pond, and weird lungfish move onto the land. (The third one out carries a little suitcase.) CAMERA PANS PAST the lungfish TO a muddy shore. With a DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING, we DISCOVER a set of strange, hideous clawprints. The CAMERA FOLLOWS these, then WIDENS to reveal the make of these footprints: A seven- foot tall and fearful beast we will call the Xenosaurus. It looks around menacingly. (Oddly, it's carrying a canvas sack, but we don't stress this.) Suddenly a garbage truck appears out of nowhere and runs over the Xenosaurus. 7 NEW ANGLE 7 Dazed, the Xenosaurus gets up. As it does, we realize that we aren't deep in some primeval forest, but on the shoulder of a gravel highway. A stone road sign reads BEDROCK 1/2 MILE. ROCK VEGAS, BABYLON & EDEN NEXT THREE EXITS. Now, the CAMERA CRANES UP ABOVE the sign and we see -- Bedrock! (CONTINUED) 3. 7 CONTINUED: 7 Nestled incongruously in a savage landscape, the charming protosuburbia gleams in the dawn's early Spielberg light. The Xenosaurus grabs its sack and some silverware spills out. Then it runs off into the bushes and out of sight. 8 WITH THAT GARBAGE TRUCK 8 It reaches the crest of a hill where there's a "WELCOME TO BEDROCK" billboard which bears greetings from the Rotary Club, the Chamber of Commerce, and (of course) The Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes. The garbage truck guys drop their feet down through the floorboard and trot over the rise, coast down to the street below. The driver yanks a wooden brake and the truck stops, and the rear guys hop off. One of them waves to -- 9 A MILKMAN 9 who returns the wave, then takes a four-pack of stone bottles out of his milk truck, heads towards a doorway. As the milkman drops off the milk, he passes a big TORTOISE with trash cans on its back. The Tortoise nods familiarly to the milkman, then it waddles down the curb, CAMERA FOLLOWING. The garbage men take the cans off the Tortoise's back, dump them into the truck. 10 REAR OF TRUCK 10 -- revealing that the back of the truck is actually a giant-jawed CREATURE strapped onto the chassis. The garbage men dump the cans into its maw... it happily swallows the works, licks its lips, BELCHES. 11 BACK TO SCENE 11 The garbagemen slam the cans back on the Tortoise, who winces as they drive off. TORTOISE (under his breath) You can forget about a tip for Christmas... It waddles back up the lawn... passing by a wooden "lawn timer" box which now pops open. Inside the box is a "ROOSTERSAURUS" which CROWS and flaps its wings. The motion of the wings knocks loose two round stones which roll down two long troughs a la Rube Goldberg... 4. 12 FOLLOWING THE ROUND STONES 12 They reach the ends of their respective paths, dislodging a stick... that releases a coiled rope which in turn spins a turntable which holds a little wooly mammoth. As it begins to spin around, it squirts water out of its snout. Elsewhere on the lawn, other spinning MAMMOTHS repeat this performance. After a moment, they gradually slow their revolutions. The one closest to the house scrunches its trunk with a GROAN. LITTLE MAMMOTH (sotto) Oh, my aching sinuses... 13 INT. FLINTSTONES' BEDROOM - DAY 13 WIDEN FROM the windowsill, where a little sea shell hearing aid trumpet AMPLIFIES another ROOSTERSAURUS "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO" into the ear of a "CLOCK RADIO WOODPECKER." The Woodpecker yawns, gets out of bed, puts a timecard in a little clock. Then it turns and begins pecking on a BELL, which RINGS PIERCINGLY. 14 INT. BEDROOM - NEW ANGLE 14 Two shapes are visible under the bedclothes: One is a great SNORING bulge, the other is a svelte and lithe shape. As the BELL continues RINGING, the larger bulge GRUNTS, MOANS, pulls a pillow over its head, and then finally gropes under the bed for a slipper. The slipper is thrown without aiming -- 15 THE WOODPECKER 15 ducks just in time. It wipes its forehead nervously. RADIO WOODPECKER (sotto) I hate this job... There's not even a health plan... He staggers back up to his perch, and then notices for the first time that the dial on the side is pointed not to "ALARM" but to "ALARM & RADIO." The WOODPECKER SIGHS, looks over at the bed where SNORING is still emanating. Then the bird swings a little telescope around to point out the window. 16 WOODPECKER'S TELESCOPE - IRIS SHOT 16 as the 'SCOPE PANS and FOCUSES, finally SETTLING ON a distant stone building marked RADIO STATION B-ROK. (CONTINUED) 5. 16 CONTINUED: 16 Perched on top of the wooden radio tower are a monkey and an octopus. The monkey holds up cue cards which the octopus reads, and then waves nautical semaphore flags. 17 BACK TO SCENE 17 Our WOODPECKER squints, CLEARS his THROAT. RADIO WOODPECKER (deeper "on-air" voice) Good morning, Bedrock. This is station B-R-O-K with the morning weather and news... 18 IN THE BED 18 The big bulge GRUNTS and MUTTERS a bit, then one hand gropes around, finds the curvaceous form under the neighboring covers... feels it tentatively... then the fingers "walk" upwards... RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) It will be fair and mild through the weekend, continuing for the next eight hundred years, followed by cooling breezes and a protracted ice age... Those walking fingers have reached the top edge of the covers... now they pull them down revealing the owner's face... the face of Fred, his eyes at half-mast, his face covered in fashionable "Bedrock Vice" stubble. FRED (with genuine charm) Wil-ma. Wil-ma? How about a great big good morning kiss for your Freddy-weddy? And he pulls the covers down to reveal -- DINO, who is immediately "YI-YI-YI-YI-ING," hopping all over the bed and showering Fred with sloppy kisses. FRED Dino! Dino, cut it out -- ! RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) In the news, Bedrock civic and business leaders met yesterday to discuss the growing kibble crisis. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 6. 18 CONTINUED: 18 RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) (CONT'D) Ecological activist Ralph Naderock warned that if new supplies of kibble are not found, our animal- powered civilization itself may be threatened. By now Dino's affection attack has knocked both master and pet to the floor in a jumble of bedclothes, asses and elbows. Dino begins to roll Fred across the room like a seal playing with a ball. FRED Dino, that's enough -- here, look, Daddy has a nice dino bone for you, just please stop it -- Fred has now backed up to a dresser, where he grabs a brightly-colored box labeled "PURINROCK DINO TREATS." Fred holds it up -- Dino gets up on two legs, eager for the treat -- Fred shakes the box... alas, nothing comes out. DINO "YI-YI'S" again, propelling Fred into the next room. 19 INT. FLINTSTONE KITCHEN - DAY 19 Five-year-old PEBBLES GIGGLES at the table as Fred and Dino tumble into the room like Frank Buck and a lion. Wilma turns at the noise. One look at her and we under- stand Fred's romantic turn. RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) In other news, Bedrock police report that the Xenosaurus has struck again! Yes, the fiercesome intruder was sighted in the Bedrock Hills for the third time this month. Outlying shops and residencies report extensive looting and property destruction... WILMA Fred, stop playing with Dino and sit down. Your breakfast's getting cold. Saying this, Wilma puts a huge egg at Fred's place. Meanwhile, Fred manages to get to his feet, holds out one arm to keep Dino at bay. Fred does a big "take," looking out the window -- (CONTINUED) 7. 19 CONTINUED: 19 FRED (throwing open the door) Oooh, Dino, look -- there's a nice big dino bone laying out on the front lawn -- ! Pause. Dino gives him a big look as if to say, "Oh, yeah?" FRED (trying again) -- Gosh, look at that adorable little female dino -- "YI-YI-YI-YI," DINO is out the door like a rocket. Fred cackles, slams it shut, then sits down at the table. FRED -- That animal's gonna kill me with kindness. Do you know we're out of dino treats? WILMA So is everybody else in Bedrock. That kibble crisis is getting worse every day. She puts two giant slices of bread into a toaster. Two claw-like devices hold the toast, pulling it out of sight. WILMA I'm afraid Dino's going to have to manage on leftovers from Pebbles and me. FRED (sitting down) And what's wrong with my leftovers? WILMA I'll let you know when I see some. RADIO WOODPECKER (O.S.) (finishing up) ... Scientists from B.C. University report that the footprints of the Xenosaurus match no known animal. (CONTINUED) 8. 19 CONTINUED: (2) 19 PEBBLES Mommy, is the bad Ze-ze-zenosaurus gonna get me and eat me up? WILMA Of course not, baby. FRED That's right, sweetheart. The only thing that's gonna eat you up is -- me! And he grabs her and bites her and tickles her. PEBBLES (giggling, calming) I'm still a little scared... FRED Pebbles, don't worry. These stories are very exaggerated. Like, you know, the boogyman? There's no such thing as a huge, inhuman reptile that attacks without warning -- WHAM! Dino reappears, bounding through the window and knocking Fred onto the floor. Once again Dino is happily licking and loving and cuddling his callously unresponsive owner. Fred struggles to avoid the slurping tongue, pulls himself up to the window sill, looks out. FRED -- Oh, look, everybody, the mailman is here -- "YI-YI-YI-YI!" DINO buys it again, runs to the door, lets himself out. This time Fred puts a chair against the door. Meanwhile, Wilma turns at the sound of the TOASTER POPPING UP. We see that the "claws" we saw earlier were the actual claws of a LOBSTER in a little fireproof suit who is tucked inside the toaster. As Wilma takes the toast, the Lobster blows on his claws, wincing, then looks TOWARDS the CAMERA. LOBSTER Well, it beats working in a seafood restaurant... (CONTINUED) 9. 19 CONTINUED: (3) 19 FRED (taking the toast) Thanks, Wilma... Fred slaps jelly on the toast, takes a big bite, and then something outside the window catches his eye. 20 HIS POV - STREET 20 A paperboy on a wood-and-stone bicycle is coming rapidly towards the house. In the bike's basket is a stack of dried, rock-hard clay tablets. 21 BACK TO SCENE 21 Fred leans out the window, waving his hands. FRED Arnold! Arnold! Don't aim at the house -- please, not at the house -- WHAM! Fred ducks back just as the stone newspaper slams into the window frame, SMASHING a FLOWERPOT, taking out a chunk of wall, and continuing diagonally through the kitchen and out another window. Fred follows this action in time to see -- 22 HIS DRIVEWAY - THROUGH THE OTHER WINDOW 22 The rock paper drops like a foul shot, rips through the canvas roof of Fred's car, and then bangs a huge dent in the hood. 23 BACK TO SCENE 23 Fred sighs, turns back to his breakfast. WILMA Lucky it wasn't the Sunday paper. FRED (slight smile) Yeah. What else can go wrong? He slices through the big egg with his knife -- releasing a baby PTERODACTYL which SQUAWKS and flaps, knocking Fred over as it takes off through the window. DISSOLVE TO: 24 EXT. FLINTSTONE DRIVEWAY - LATER 24 Fred -- now dressed for work -- is forlornly trying to fix his car. (CONTINUED) 10. 24 CONTINUED: 24 In the neighboring driveway, Wilma and Betty pile the kids into Betty's car. BETTY (wiping their mouths) Come on, kids. Time for nursery school. PEBBLES 'Bye-bye, Daddy. FRED 'Bye, little sweetheart. (as Wilma clears her throat) 'Bye, big sweetheart. Fred kisses them both and they drive off. Fred sighs, tries to stretch the canvas roof edges close enough to stitch. Nearby, Dino struggles to drag the stone news- paper inside the house. The twin headlines are, of course, KIBBLE CRISIS GROWS and MYSTERIOUS XENOSAURUS STRIKES AGAIN. Suddenly a pink flamingo appears over the hedge. As its mouth opens and closes, it appears to be talking, but the voice is that of -- BARNEY Nice morning, huh, Fred? FRED What's nice about it? BARNEY Heh, hey. That Arnold's got a real arm on him, don't he? Now we see that Barney is holding the flamingo's stiff legs which he scissors, making the bird's beak trim the hedge. FRED This is the third ragtop this year ... say, shouldn't you be at work? BARNEY Ah, well, that appliance store and me, we kinda had a little adjustment -- FRED You got fired, didn't ya? (CONTINUED) 11. 24 CONTINUED: (2) 24 BARNEY Fred, don't start on me again. I donno, I'm just not a nine to five guy. I got dreams, Fred. Ideas -- FRED Yeah, I know, I know, those crazy inventions of yours. Be honest with me, Barn... tell me one thing you invented that really caught on. BARNEY I invented fire. FRED (pause) You invented fire? BARNEY I told you that, Fred. But the coal conglomerate ripped me off. The case is still in court, but meanwhile I got lotsa other ideas -- FRED Yeah, but did any one of them ever put bread on the table? How long are you and Betty gonna live on those penny-ante royalties you get? Fred pulls his car hood off of its wooden hinges, examines it with dismay. FRED If you ask me, pal, you're just blowing smoke up your own volcano... BARNEY Maybe, Fred. But first... He uses the flamingo's jaws to snatch the car hood from Fred's surprised grasp. BARNEY Let me try some of that smoke on your car. CUT TO: 12. 25 INT. BARNEY'S GARAGE/WORKSHOP - DAY 25 We can still see Fred's car in the neighboring driveway. (We can also see Dino, who drags the newspaper on a bit more, then collapses from exhaustion). Barney's garage is cluttered with all kinds of odds and ends, plus various inventions and scale models in different stages of completion. (Interestingly, a number of these anticipate Leonardo da Vinci's work). Many of the models are made of a strange celadon green material. Fred watches, skeptical, as Barney presses the car hood into some soft clay between two big blocks of stone. BARNEY (as he works) -- See, the first step, we make a mold of the old car hood, smooth out the dent in the clay -- He tosses the original car hood aside with a crash. Then, moving rapidly, he starts heaving a variety of ingredients into the reverse imprint of the car hood. BARNEY -- Add some lava granules... some woca leaves... juice from two coo-coo berries... FRED (impressed) Two coo-coo berries? You made of money, Barney? BARNEY Anything for a pal, Fred -- a lump of coal... bamboo sawdust... eucalyptus sap... a touch of the La Brea tarbrush -- and -- voila. Barney dips a finger in this mess, "tastes" it; satisfied, he yanks on a hanging rope and a giant rock weight slams down on the whole mess, making Fred jump out of his skin. 26 NEW ANGLE 26 Fred is caked with dust. He coughs and spits. FRED Barney, why don't you try inventing a brain for yourself! Look at what you did to -- (CONTINUED) 13. 26 CONTINUED: 26 He stops as Barney cranks up the weight on a ratchet, proudly lifts out a perfect (though greenish) duplicate of the car hood. As Fred examines it, impressed despite himself, we... CUT TO: 27 BETTY'S CAR - TRAVELING 27 The two kids are in the back seat. Somehow both of the kids' faces are messy again. Working together with beautiful precision, they are carefully dismantling the rear armrests and door handles. BETTY (in mid-speech, driving) ... Oh, it's not that I'm complaining, Wilma. I mean, Barney's sweet, but... well, he's just not cut out to punch a clock. And he's such a dreamer, you think he ever once picked up a hammer and chisel and tried to balance a checkbook? They pull up in front of a pleasant-looking simple little nursery school. MRS. GRANITE, a pleasant-looking 65, sees them from the schoolyard, waves while Wilma and Betty un- load the kids. BETTY No, Barney just keeps looking for that coo-coo berry pie in the sky, and I don't want to pop his balloon by talking about the price of mastodon ribs. She wipes off Bam-Bam's mouth with a handkerchief. Wilma does the same with Pebbles and then they kiss the kids, who immediately run into the schoolyard. MRS. GRANITE (approaching) Mrs. Rubble, Mrs. Flintstone, I wanted to thank you personally. BETTY You're welcome, Mrs. Granite. But we wipe their mouths every day. MRS. GRANITE No, no, I mean for all your wonderful support the past few years. It's parents like you that make me think twice about retiring. (CONTINUED) 14. 27 CONTINUED: 27 From the schoolyard comes the sudden sound of KIDS QUAR- RELING and then a THUD and some CRYING. MRS. GRANITE On the other hand... Wilma and Betty laugh. WILMA We're really going to miss you, too, Mrs. Granite. MRS. GRANITE Have you found another school for the children? BETTY We're still shopping around. WILMA Fortunately, we're both -- Wilma and Betty straighten... salute. WILMA & BETTY (they've done this routine before) -- Professional shoppers! As the three women laugh, we... CUT TO: 28 EXT. BEDROCK STREET - TRAVELLING - DAY 28 Fred and Barney drive along. (Behind them, the same houses and palms seem to be going by... duplex, palm... split level, two palms... duplex, palm). Barney grins, gestures towards the front of the car. BARNEY Not bad, eh? After it cures for an hour or so, it's solid as a rock. FRED Okay, you fixed a dented hood. But you call that a living? Face it, pal, this is the Stone Age, and it's a dino eat dino world. You want my advice? BARNEY Did I ever? (CONTINUED) 15. 28 CONTINUED: 28 FRED You stick with me today, cruise on down to the quarry and fill out a job application. I'm a big man there, Barney -- BARNEY You're a big man anywhere, Fred -- FRED I'm serious, pal. Me and Mr. Slate are just like this -- He takes his hand off the wheel to hold up two fingers... ends up swerving instead. FRED -- just like that. I know, I know -- you're not a clock-punching guy -- but face it, Barney -- it's time to grow up and put your nose to the grindstone, batten down the hatches and join the ratasaurus race with the rest of us. (meaningfully) It's time to retire those dreams. Barney looks glum, doesn't say anything. Suddenly Fred pulls over, stops the car. FRED Barney. Look. 29 WIDE SHOT 29 They're at the crest of a high wide hill. BARNEY Hey. Lava Lane. FRED Remember the old days, Barn? We used to race our go-carts here to impress the girls. BARNEY (wistful) Yeah, those were the days... we usta dream about coming back here some day with a real car and goin' for the goldrock...! A look from one to another, and then down the hill... Fred gets a malicious grin on his face. (CONTINUED) 16. 29 CONTINUED: 29 BARNEY Fred... I thought you said it was time to retire those old dreams. FRED Hey. Since when do I have to be consistent? The two pals laugh, and then with a whoop they begin pedalling like mad. They go over the top, gravity takes over and they are flying past that billboard with all the Rotary Club welcomes on it. But now we see a different sort of welcome, as a POLICE CAR ZOOMS out from behind it. 30 POLICE CAR - CLOSER 30 Inside are SERGEANT FELDSPAR and his rookie partner, OFFICER GRAVEL. Cackling with anticipation, Feldspar opens a box marked radar detector. Out pops a little bird in a police helmet. It has a stopwatch (actually, stop-sundial) around its neck. Feldspar points -- the bird salutes -- takes off! 31 FRED AND BARNEY 31 BARNEY (spotting the cops) Oh-oh! Fred, slow down -- ! Suddenly both Fred and Barney see the RADAR BIRD flying alongside them. It checks its stopwatch, writes a note to itself. Fred is so preoccupied he doesn't notice as -- 32 THE POLICE CAR 32 cuts in front of Fred. Fred SLAMS on the "BRAKES," sits helplessly as Feldspar gets out, walks over, grinning. FELDSPAR Well, Flintstone, looks like today's the day. FRED Sergeant Feldspar, I... I wasn't speeding... honest... Fred reaches down to the floorboard as he speaks... 33 ANGLE ON FLOORBOARD 33 There's a box there marked RADAR BUSTER. (CONTINUED) 17. 33 CONTINUED: 33 FELDSPAR (O.S.) Forget it, Flintstone. This time I got you dead to rights -- Fred opens the box. A scary-looking winged reptile sticks out its head, smacks its hungry lips. 34 BACK TO SCENE 34 Confident, Feldspar jerks a thumb at the Radar Bird, turns to his rookie partner. FELDSPAR Gravel. Get me the radar reading and I'll show you how we deal with scofflaws. Gravel nods, steps towards the bird. The bird checks its stopwatch... and then it notices the flying lizard which is hovering nearby, licking its lips. RADAR BIRD Whoa! Wings, do your stuff -- ! The Radar Bird flies away at a hundred miles an hour, leaving a cloud of dust and the stopwatch behind. Feldspar catches the watch, startled. FRED Well, Sergeant, if you don't have a radar reading, I guess we'll -- (quickly) -- justbeonourway -- ! A new cloud of dust appears as Fred ROARS away. FELDSPAR Flintstone! Flintstone, come back here -- ! CUT TO: 35 EXT. BEDROCK BUTCHER SHOP - DAY 35 Betty and Wilma have just pulled up. We notice that next to their legal spot, a big limousine is parked in a "no parking" zone. But our law-abiding Betty in the next space now drops a stone coin in a parking meter. 36 CLOSE ON THE METER 36 Inside the window we see a LITTLE BIRD. It "bites" the coin to check it, then turns over an egg timer. (CONTINUED) 18. 36 CONTINUED: 36 LITTLE BIRD (with a sigh) Four years in accounting school for this... 37 INT. BUTCHER SHOP - DAY 37 It's absolutely mobbed. Customers push past each other with armloads of food. Gigantic cuts of meat hang from above or are on display behind the counter. MORRIS THE BUTCHER looks up from the chaos and manages a weak smile for the girls. BETTY Morris, what on earth is going on? You giving away Bronto filets? MORRIS Ah, my two loveliest customers. It's this darn kibble crisis, Mrs. R... people are buying everything I got to feed their dinos... MRS. SLATE Young man, if you're through flirting, I'd like some service. 38 NEW ANGLE 38 REVEALING MRS. SLATE, who stands there, impatient and overdressed. MORRIS Of course, Mrs. Slate. Just take a number. Wilma senses the tension, quickly steps forward to break it with a smile. WILMA Ah, hello, Mrs. Slate. Morris reacts with relief. Mrs. Slate reacts with a blank look. WILMA (prompting) We met at the quarry picnic? MRS. SLATE Oh, of course. Mrs. Flintstein. She turns her back to Wilma, forces her way towards the counter again. Wilma burns. (CONTINUED) 19. 38 CONTINUED: 38 MORRIS Ladies, the meat's not getting any fresher. Mrs. R, what'll it be? BETTY Oh, I'd like some ground mammoth patties and uh... some dodo drumsticks. MORRIS Gino? We got any dodo bird? GINO turns, looks at his end of the counter. GINO There's one left -- and it's the last one! MORRIS Good. (handing him the note) Give it to Mrs. Rubble along with this. Gino nods, smiling. He picks up a crate, begins to load it with giant fryer parts and several manhole-sized meat patties. MORRIS (turning to Betty) How about you, Mrs. F? WILMA I just need a few things for Fred. MORRIS 'Fred...'? (calling into the back) David! Herman! Get Rob and BoBo and tell 'em to bring the big dolly! VOICE FROM BACK (O.S.) Flintstone again, huh? MORRIS You got it. Now then... Mrs. Slate? (pointing at the limo outside the shop) You're in a no parking zone there. (CONTINUED) 20. 38 CONTINUED: (2) 38 MRS. SLATE Well, if I get some service, I'll be out of it, won't I? Mrs. Slate steps to the counter. Meanwhile, the staff begin using a refrigerator dolly to bring out giant ribs, steaks and sausages which they pile up in front of Wilma. MRS. SLATE I want a nice fresh, juicy chickensaurus, Morris. And not one you've had laying around on the shelf. I mean fresh. MORRIS Mrs. Slate, we're kind of busy now -- MRS. SLATE I don't care if you're busy. What I care about is my adorable little grand nephew. He's staying with me for the summer and I intend to make his favorite dish... Southern fried chickensaurus! Now I want a fresh chickensaurus and I want it now! MORRIS Boys, you heard her... she said fresh. 39 THE STAFF 39 with a sigh, they buckle on elbow and knee protectors, go to a side door, open it. Inside is another barred door. They open it, go inside. Immediately we hear loud SQUAWKING and CACKLING... THUDS, BUMPS... 40 NEW ANGLE 40 Suddenly the barred door slams open and a giant chicken- saurus comes bounding out, with Morris's staff hanging all over it like rodeo cowboys. They try and restrain it with ropes but it's enraged and flops around the store. MRS. SLATE (oblivious of the trouble) Morris, while you're at it, I'd like it plucked -- (CONTINUED) 21. 40 CONTINUED: 40 Suddenly the chickensaurus snaps the ropes, flaps its wings and leaps through the front window -- 41 EXT. BUTCHER SHOP - DAY 41 The huge bird lands with a crunch atop Mrs. Slate's car, which is practically squashed flat. Then it disappears around the corner. (We hear CAR HORNS and SKIDDING TIRES as it goes.) 42 BACK TO SCENE 42 MRS. SLATE My car -- ! Wilma and Betty try and hide their laughter. CUT TO: 43 EXT. SLATE CONSTRUCTION - DAY 43 Clouds of dust rise from behind the fence. We see the heads of the heavy equipment dinos rising and falling. A two-story office building is at one end of the site with a big "Slate Construction Inc." sign on the roof. CAMERA ADJUSTS as Fred's car turns into the lot, Barney seated beside Fred. The new green hood gleams in the morning light. 44 CLOSER - FRED'S CAR 44 Fred digs his feet into the ground, slams to a halt. He gets out, surveys the activity. Immediately, the various workers shout AD LIB greetings. Fred acknowledges these, beaming in the respect he gets here. He lovingly dusts off his construction helmet, puts it on, knocks an offending speck from his parking sign (F. Flintstone - Shop Steward). He leads Barney towards the quarry area. FRED Barney, you won't regret this -- hiya, Al -- fixing dents in cars is one thing, a career's another. Here, you're getting in on the ground floor of the first footstep of a new leaf -- hi, Wally, how's the old backhand? And with a guy like me ta show you the ropes, you can skip all the red tape, all the malarky, all the dino doo -- 22. 45 NEW ANGLE 45 Fred stands near the weight station booth, where a plump GIRL in a beehive hairdo sits inside a trailer. GIRL (New York accent) Hi, Mr. Flintstone. FRED Hiya, Shirley. This is my very special neighbor and pal Barney Rubble. He needs an application form, okay? GIRL Anything for you, Mr. Flintstone. She slams down two clay tablets and a stylus. GIRL Here you go. (smiling) Thanks again for the football tickets. My boyfriend and I both liked them. FRED My pleasure, Shirl. Anytime. GIRL Okay. But do you think next time we could go to the same game? FRED (confidently) No problem. Fred smiles at her, hands the forms to Barney. Fres steps towards the quarry, admires the activity, hands on hips, master of all he surveys. He waves to more friends. FRED Well, Barn, what did I tell you? When you're in with Flintstone, you're in like Flint. BARNEY Gee, Fred. I knew you were a big shot. I just didn't know how big. Fred beams at that, and then follows Barney's gaze to the read-out on the truck scale. Fred is standing on it and it's pushing 250. With a scowl, Fred grabs Barney's sleeve and they go into the quarry. As they move, the CAMERA PANS and CRANES UP TOWARDS the window of the Slate Construction Office. CUT TO: 23. 46 INT. OFFICE - PULLBACK FROM WINDOW 46 The room here is dominated by a tabletop architectural model of a large scale construction project. There's acres of little development houses, then some tall office buildings, a mall, you name it: There's even little foot- powered model cars in the model parking spaces. Near this we see MR. SLATE, a giant in the Bedrock con- struction business (but not in height). Slate drinks coffee from a "Boss" mug, listens with growing impatience to JERRY LAVA. Several of Slate's lackeys listen, their heads nodding up or down in sympathy with Slate's mer- curial moods. LAVA Uncle, if you'll look at this unit cost projection... it intersects here with -- SLATE -- how'd you like my fist to intersect with your nose? I've told you a hundred times, don't call me uncle in the office! Now, I didn't arrange your scholarship to Harvrock University so you could waste my time! So stop beating around the bushasaurus and get to the bottom slime! LAVA You'll be bankrupt in six months. Slate does a Danny Thomas spit take all over the model. 47 EXT. QUARRY - MOVING SHOT 47 Fred and Barney cross the busy lot, sidestepping workers and animals. Fred does a lot of backslapping, waving. Barney's filling out the forms on the move. Behind them, we see the wide access ramp which spirals around the quarry's sides. BARNEY (to himself) Social Security number... dependents... 'how learned of job' ... newspaper ad, carrier pigeon... (writing) ... Personal reference... Hearing a loud SMASH, Fred looks up and sees -- 48 FRED'S POV - A WRECKING BALL OPERATOR 48 A burly and rough looking guy named PILTDOWN, he grins in- side his dino-topping cupola, winds his winch handles and then propels his wrecking ball towards the... 24. 49 QUARRY WALL - ABOVE 49 -- where the huge stone BALL SMASHES into some walnuts balanced on a boulder. 50 WIDER 50 Piltdown's compact buddy PYRITE cackles, sweeps up the walnuts. Munching them, he balances a new one in place. (It should be noted here that the relationship and physi- cal appearances of Piltdown and Pyrite mirrors that of our heroes... they're sort of an anti-Fred and Barney.) PYRITE Way ta go, Pilty baby. Five bucks says you can't hit one on the fly. PILTDOWN (calling up) Yer on, Pyrite -- Pyrite tosses a walnut, which bounces on the ledge. The wrecking BALL SMASHES into the stone wall. 51 BELOW 51 Workers near Fred duck as dust and debris fall down. People grab for their construction helmets. FRED Not again... Fred hustles up a ladder to a ramp which leads him up to the level of Piltdown's cab. Barney hurries to follow. FRED All right, Piltdown, that's enough! You're endangering your fellow workers! PILTDOWN Yeah? Sez who? FRED Says me, Fred Flintstone -- shop steward of Amalgamated Neolithic Workers 101. PILTDOWN Yeah? Well, A.N.W. one-oh-one gives us workers a snack break. So... (a nasty grin) ... I'm breakin' some snacks. He swings the wrecking ball again. 25. 52 UP ABOVE 52 This time he's overdone it: The wrecking ball flies past the walnuts -- Pyrite ducks for cover -- and then the wrecking ball whips over and around the handrail which runs along here, twisting as tightly as Indiana Jones' whip. The handrail wobbles dangerously in its foundation -- 53 PILTDOWN'S DINO 53 SNORTS, backs up -- the crane SUPPORTS on its back begin to CREAK and GROAN with the strain -- 54 WIDER 54 Workers scatter, fearful of the imminent collapse. Fred runs to grab the dino's reins. FRED Whoa, whoa, big fella -- He calms the beast by giving it a carrot. As it munches, Fred quickly ties the reins to a post. FRED (calling up to the cab) You're on report, Piltdown! If it's up to me you'll be pushing a wheelbarrow! PILTDOWN (leaping down) You've been asking for this, Flintstone... I'm gonna kick your fat butt -- FRED Fat butt? Hold me back, Barney -- (sotto, very sincere) -- Barney, hold me back -- Quickly the men form a circle around Piltdown and Fred. Barney looks up and sees -- 55 THE CRANE ON THE DINO'S BACK 55 It is shuddering and threatening to come crashing down. 56 BACK TO SCENE 56 BARNEY Hey, maybe you guys oughta fix that first. PILTDOWN Why should we? (CONTINUED) 26. 56 CONTINUED: 56 BARNEY It looks dangerous. Besides, you can kick Fred's fat butt anytime. FRED Yeah. That's right. (realizing, a glare at Barney) I mean -- this ain't over, Piltdown. (turning, shouting) Come on, guys. Let's clean up the mess. With much grumbling, ropes and grappling hooks are gathered and the crew hops to it... 57 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - SAME TIME 57 Slate stands in a blubbering fury as Lava mops coffee up from the model and Slate's face. SLATE Bankrupt? Are you crazy? Lava holds up a clay tablet covered with figures. LAVA It's all here in hack and slice. When you committed to this housing development the price of dino kibble was a few clams per ton. Since then, it's gone up a hundredfold. (indicating the model) You can't build a project like this without the heavy equipment dinos, and we can't afford to feed those dinos. Slate glowers, paces around the model. SLATE I'm two months behind schedule, my option's running out on the land and Donald Trumprock is just waiting to jump in and steal the whole deal ... meanwhile that damn union's on my back, hell, they'll probably want an eighty hour week or something... (frustrated) There's got to be an answer... A LOUD COMMOTION outside the window attracts everyone's attention. (CONTINUED) 27. 57 CONTINUED: 57 SLATE What's that? LAVA (worried) Sounds like a worker's comp claim if I ever heard one... All rush to the window. They look out and see -- 58 THE QUARRY - WIDE 58 Supervised by Fred, all the workers are straining on the ropes to haul the rear legs of the crane back into their sockets on the back of the big dino. Only the last critical rope is still dangling. FRED Barney! Grab that line! Hurry! Barney scrambles up Fred's back, shoving a foot in Fred's face, but finally snatching the rope. He pulls on it... Fred throws his own weight into the effort... 59 THE CRANE 59 THUDS into place on the dino's back -- the workers cheer -- 60 THE WRECKING BALL 60 alas, with its cable now twisted shorter, it's become an immovable object, and as the shortened CABLE SNAPS, the wrecking ball begins to roll down the quarry wall. 61 NEW ANGLE 61 Men and ANIMALS YELP and dive out of the way as the BALL rolls downwards, SMASHING everything in its path. 62 EXT. SLATE'S OFFICE WINDOW 62 The executives watch concerned as -- 63 THE WRECKING BALL 63 tumbles down, down, knocking scaffolding and ladders aside, reaches the end of a ramp, and drops through the air right onto -- 64 THE HOOD OF FRED'S CAR 64 -- where, astonishingly, the HOOD sinks in resiliently like a trampoline and then with a loud "SPROING" the wrecking ball flies straight back up into the air, followed a beat behind by the unhinged hood itself. Both hurtle TOWARDS the CAMERA -- 28. 65 SLATE AND EXECUTIVES 65 react fearfully as they realize all this is coming straight for them. With a howl, they all dive aside -- 66 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - WIDER - DAY 66 The wrecking BALL flies through the window, SLAMS onto Slate's desk, crushing everything in its path and then sails on SMASHING right into -- 67 THE MODEL DEVELOPMENT 67 -- where all of the lined up HIGH RISES SMASH ASIDE with a sound like falling pins. 68 IN THE QUARRY 68 The workers pick themselves up and now their eyes follow the path taken by the long-gone wrecking ball. FRED Oh boy. Goodbye pension fund -- They rush for the office building. 69 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - DAY 69 Dust is still settling. The staff rises from the mess, coughing. Lava rummages in the debris, finds a stiff body. LAVA Uncle, Uncle, speak to me -- But it's only a statue of a golfer from one of Slate's trophies. SLATE (sitting up) I'm over here, you moron -- and don't call me 'Uncle'! Slate's eyes fall on Fred's car hood, swinging from a bookshelf. He reaches for it -- pulls it -- it stays put, and only releases a new deluge of rubble and plaster which reburies him. At the same time, the door slams open and Fred, Barney and the other workers tumble inside. 70 THEIR POV - OFFICE 70 As they take in the destruction. Barney notices the wrecking ball amidst the model buildings. As we watch, the last remaining little HIGH RISE FALLS. (CONTINUED) 29. 70 CONTINUED: 70 BARNEY Hey, nice going, Fred. You even got the spare -- FRED Barney, shut up -- (turning) Mr. Slate -- Mr. Slate -- are you all right? Slate staggers to his feet, seething with fury. He finally yanks the car hood free. It bounces and VIBRATES in his hands like a hand saw. SLATE (eying the men) For five years Slate Construction has had the finest safety record in Bedrock. (pacing, angry) Our workers are trained in first aid, our equipment is first rate and our dinos are worm free. And then something like this happens ... I want to know how! A cacophony of voices starts to answer. SLATE Shut up! (in the sudden silence) I want one person to answer me: (waving the car hood) Who's responsible for this? 71 PILTDOWN 71 nudges the wrecking ball off the edge of the table. It falls on Fred's foot. Fred starts to scream and Piltdown shoves a pencil holder into his mouth. PILTDOWN (quickly) It was Flintstone, Mr. Slate! PYRITE That's right, Mr. Slate, it was Flintstone! BARNEY That's a lie, Mr. Slate! SLATE Who are you? (CONTINUED) 30. 71 CONTINUED: 71 BARNEY (pointing to his forms) B. Rubble. White male personal reference -- SLATE (pushing Barney aside) Flintstone, I have just one thing to say to you -- Fred cringes. Piltdown and Pyrite smirk. SLATE (pumping his hand) Congratulations! FRED PILTDOWN Huh? What? SLATE This stuff you had on your car is the most incredible building material I've seen in thirty years in the construction business! (testing it) It's strong -- (twirling it) -- Light -- (bending it) -- Resilient -- It rebounds, "SPROINGING" him on the chin. He recovers, shakes it off. SLATE Where on earth did you get it? FRED Oh, it's ah, just something I whipped up in the old garage workshop -- (quickly) -- with a little help from my buddy Barney, right, Barn? BARNEY Well, actually, Fred, it was the other way ar-- Fred hisses between his teeth, repeats the "Slate and me are just like this" gesture he made earlier, points at Slate. (CONTINUED) 31. 71 CONTINUED: (2) 71 BARNEY (reluctant) Sure, Fred, right, right. Slate nods, distracted, his eyes and hands running over the smooth lines of the car hood. SLATE The rest of you men go back to work. I want to talk to Flintstone and the personal reference alone. Come on, move, move... They go out, Piltdown looking furious. SLATE (a man in love) Light as a Pterodactyl feather... why, a child could handle this... Lava, we could cut construction costs in half... in quarters... in uh... whatchacallit -- LAVA (patiently) Eighths -- SLATE Eighths, right. Flintstone, what do you call this stuff? FRED Well, Mr. Slate, I call it -- (hesitating, sotto) -- Barney, what do I call it? BARNEY (sotto) Fibrerock, Fred... FRED -- I call it Fibrerock Fred -- ! (realizing) I mean, ah, 'Fibrerock'! SLATE (rolling it over his tongue) 'Fibrerock'? 'Fibrerock'? (playing with it) 'Fib-bre-rock' -- Slate's staff make disparaging noises. (CONTINUED) 32. 71 CONTINUED: (3) 71 SLATE I love it! SLATE'S STAFF (instantly reversing themselves) Love it... great... has a nice ring... says it all, you know? (Etc...) Slate takes the piece of material, leans it on the table so it catches the light. Despite himself, Lava comes over, examines the car hood... can't help but marvel at it as well. Meanwhile, Slate puts his arms around Fred and Barney. SLATE (to Lava) You see this, Lava? All those courses of yours at Harvrock University, and who saves my bacon? Two simple-minded run-of-the-mill nobodies. BARNEY Gee, thanks, Mr. Slate. Lava glowers. Slate pulls Fred and Barney close with genuine excitement. SLATE Boys, this is a small step for Slate Construction... a giant step for all mankind. He points to the translucent material. CAMERA TIGHTENS ON it. We see Fred, Barney and Slate's reflections in it. SLATE (dramatically) The Stone Age is over! Let the Fibre Age begin! As HEROIC MUSIC STINGS IN, we... CUT TO: 72 BETTY'S CAR - TRAVELING - DAY 72 Mrs. Slate is in back, crammed in with groceries. Betty pulls up in front of a building that looks like a Palm Springs spa. This is "L'ECOLE DES ENFANTS PREHISTORIQUE HAUTE SUPERIOR." (CONTINUED) 33. 72 CONTINUED: 72 BETTY Here we are, Mrs. Slate. Sorry you had to ride in the back. MRS. SLATE (getting out) Not at all. I'm used to being driven around. And she's sashaying up the path. Betty and Wilma burn, then follow her. 73 INT. SCHOOL - DAY 73 As elegant as we can get MMMCXV years before Louis XIV. As the three women come in, we see CHILDREN with alliga- tors on their deerskin shirts singing: CHILDREN 'La hachette de ma tante est sur le roche de mon oncle -- ' HEADMISTRESS (coming over, gushing) Madame Mrs. Slate, bonjour! Welcome to L'ecole des Enfants Prehistorique Haute Superior! MRS. SLATE Thank you, Marie. (showing a rock receipt) I ordered the hors d'oeuvres for the junior talent show. They were out of Ceolanth caviar so I got Mastodon brie instead. Oh, ah, these are my, uh, friends, Wilma Flintstein -- WILMA Flintstone -- MRS. SLATE -- oh, it used to be Flintstein -- ? And this is ah, Becky... Betty! The Headmistress reaches over, takes their hands gracefully. HEADMISTRESS Enchante. WILMA I'm sure. (CONTINUED) 34. 73 CONTINUED: 73 BETTY Likewise. HEADMISTRESS (waving a hand) Well, Madame Slate, as you can see, we remain ze creme de la creme in the croissant of life known as Bedrock. Now, your leetle gran' nephew will be wiz us for two weeks, no? (opening a drawer) Here is ze application for him. An' mais oui, he weel participate in zee annual talent show, naturalment? Mrs. Slate takes the parchment application. Meanwhile the Headmistress looks appraisingly at Wilma and Betty. HEADMISTRESS An' your friends perhaps would like zum school applications for zere enfants? MRS. SLATE (amused) Them? Oh, Marie, really, you don't understand -- BETTY (suddenly) That's right, you don't understand. My husband's business manager usually handles this sort of thing, but I don't mind. And to Wilma's astonishment, Betty takes one of the parchments. BETTY I know Bam-Bam -- (correcting herself) -- pardonez-moi, 'Bem-Bem' will love attending your school and performing in the talent show. Thank you oh so much. She gives Mrs. Slate an even and controlled look, and sends some of it over in Wilma's direction as well. Wilma makes her choice, smiles tightly. WILMA Let me have one of those, too. For ma petite Pebbles. (CONTINUED) 35. 73 CONTINUED: (2) 73 HEADMISTRESS Of course. Any friend of Madame Slate is a friend of mine. As Mrs. Slate reacts, we -- CUT TO: 74 INT. CAR - FRED AND BARNEY - NIGHT 74 They're cruising along. Fred puffs on a cigar. Barney flips the pile of legal sized tablets in his lap. In the back seat are some boxes and bundles. BARNEY Gee, Fred, I don't believe it. Eight hours ago I didn't have a job and now look -- I got 1/2 of one percent of the after-taxes after-expenses net breakage profits on Fibrerock! FRED Just be thankful I was there to go over the fine print. (full of himself) It's like I told you this morning -- There's something noble about a man digging in with his hands and doing an honest day's work. Once you file those dreams under 'old business' and put your nose to the plow, well, the world is your oyster. And was I right? BARNEY No, Fred, you weren't. I didn't nose any grindstones and you didn't shoulder a wheel. We just hung out together and everything that happened was a total accident. FRED (after a moment) Details, Barney, details... (smiling) I just can't wait to see the girls' faces when we tell 'em the news... 75 INT. FLINTSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT 75 The girls' frowns are a great contrast to their husbands' smiles. Wilma's looking at the school enrollment forms. Betty paces, looks at the clock. (CONTINUED) 36. 75 CONTINUED: 75 WILMA (seeing this) It's not like the boys to be so late. BETTY Unless they were forced to go bowling again. Remember that time a burglar pointed a gun at them and said, 'go bowling right now'? WILMA Betty, sometimes you're a little too gullible -- BETTY Don't tell me. I still can't believe what I did today... WILMA No kidding. (indicating the forms) Do you have any idea of what the enrollment fee is? And get this... it's non-refundable -- BETTY I know, I know! I just couldn't stand that woman's attitude! But we had to find a new school anyway, and there we were... the next thing I knew, I was in over my head... but why did you jump in, too? WILMA Oh, she was getting to me too with all that mastodon snort about her little nephew... and... BETTY And? WILMA And... if a friend can't help you do something stupid, who can? Betty smiles, touched. Then reality intrudes again. BETTY What do we tell the boys? WILMA What's wrong with the truth? (CONTINUED) 37. 75 CONTINUED: (2) 75 BETTY We put ourselves in debt so the kids can attend school with a family we can't stand? WILMA (pause) Maybe we could rephrase it... Suddenly the door bursts open. Fred and Barney run in with candy and flowers. FRED AND BARNEY Surprise! Pause. BETTY Flowers? WILMA Rock candy? That's nice, but... why? FRED Why? Oh, me and Barn, we suddenly realized that we had a little spare change. WILMA (sotto) Not anymore you don't... BARNEY (presenting flowers) Betty, these are for you. For sticking beside me during the tough times, and well... for making a little guy feel like he was ten feet tall. BETTY Aw, Barney... I... I don't deserve these. I did something really stupid today. BARNEY Hey. Fred does something stupid every day and I still love him. Fred laughs good naturedly, grabs Barney in a headlock. FRED Noogy, noogy, ha, ha -- ! (CONTINUED) 38. 75 CONTINUED: (3) 75 WILMA (observing this) Have you been drinking? In reply, Fred whips a bottle of champagne into view. FRED Ready when you are. (noticing the label) Hey, '1'... a good year. This confuses the girls even more. WILMA Fred, there's no easy way to say this so -- She closes her eyes, swings the enrollment forms over on the table so that Fred and Barney can read them. Fred and Barney look at them, look at each other... and yawn. 76 FAVORING WILMA AND BETTY 76 They can't believe this. BETTY Boys... did you see... the dollar signs there at the bottom? WILMA The non-refundable dollar signs? BARNEY Plenty more where that came from. FRED We see your dollar signs, ladies... and... He tosses his stone contracts on top of the parchment ones with a THUD. FRED ... we raise them. Wilma and Betty look at each other, then at the contracts. They blink, look again. WILMA Betty... these... these look... real -- (CONTINUED) 39. 76 CONTINUED: 76 Fred opens the champagne, which foams all over them. The girls squeal. FRED You bet they're real, sweetheart. They're as real as... as... well, as real as -- (embracing the group) -- the best darn friends and neighbors in the whole world. Barney squeezes back. BARNEY Yeah. And nothing's ever gonna change that... right, Fred? FRED (emotionally) Right, pal o'mine. As they laugh and the girls slowly absorb the truth, we -- CUT TO: 77 EXT. WATER BUFFALO LODGE - NIGHT 77 A sign proclaims this as "GRAND BEDROCK LODGE -- LOYAL ORDER OF WATER BUFFALO." The parking lot outside is full of vehicles. We hear the sound of a GAVEL BANGING... HERDMASTER (V.O.) Attention, fellow Water Buffaloes... 78 INT. WATER BUFFALO LODGE - NIGHT 78 The members are milling about the main room, schmoozing, drinking, kibitzing. All wear the furry and horned ceremonial Fez of the Buffalo. One wall of the lodge displays a big version of the lodge coat of arms (with the motto "Ackus Ackus Adackus" below); a trophy case holds a mind boggling display of various bowling trophies, balls and pins. At the lectern, the HERDMASTER (a mustachioed, inspirational type) bangs again for order. HERDMASTER Brothers, your attention! It quiets a bit. He clears his throat, raises his chin, and gives a strange mournful bellow. (CONTINUED) 40. 78 CONTINUED: 78 HERDMASTER ("ritual" type tone) The herd is now called to the prairie. (holding fingers above ears) Antlers... up! The entire Lodge dutifully imitates this gesture. ENTIRE GROUP Ack-ack-a-dack! HERDMASTER (banging gavel) This meeting of the Water Buffaloes is now in session. Sergeant-at-Arms, have we got any old business? Barney stands, acknowledges his friends and Lodge brothers. BARNEY Indeed we do, Brother Herdmaster. Tonight we are to hear speeches from prospective candidates for Lodge offices, such as good old Fred and some other guys. 79 PILTDOWN 79 Seated across the room with Pyrite and other cronies, he immediately leaps to his feet, paws the ground, and gives an eerie moan even stranger than the Herdmaster's earlier call to order. 80 BACK TO SCENE 80 After the CRY ECHOES away: HERDMASTER Brother Piltdown: You have given the Cry of the Gelded Buffalo at the Poisoned Water Hole. Do you wish to file an objection? PILTDOWN You bet I do. How come Flintstone is 'good old Fred' and me and the other candidates are just 'some other guys'? PYRITE Yeah, how come? (CONTINUED) 41. 80 CONTINUED: 80 BARNEY (rising) My apologies, Brother Piltdown. Allow me to rephrase. Tonight we will hear speeches from a whole bunch of good old guys... (pause) ... plus the one and only Fred Flintstone! Cheers go up, which drown out Piltdown's renewed cry of the poisoned water hole. Fred moves towards the podium as the noise dies down. 81 NEW ANGLE 81 Barney moves to the wall, where he pulls a rolled up tapestry from a hiding place behind a plant. He tacks it to the wall, yanks a string. It unrolls. It's a big "VOTE FOR FRED FLINTSTONE" poster. Barney turns, gives Fred a "thumbs up," and as he does, Barney's hand brushes against a folded parchment in his pocket. Barney pushes his way through the seats, catches up to Fred and hands him the document. Fred takes it, continues up to the podium. There, the Herdmaster hands Fred the ceremonial hoof and antler, crossed over each other like a Pharaoh's badges of office. Fred does a Papal-like wave with these, sets them down, and unrolls the crib notes Barney gave him. FRED (reading, at first wooden, then confident) Brother Buffaloes, honored Herdmaster, Junior Bucks and Apprentice Antlers, a great good evening to you all. Ahem. As you know, our organization has survived difficult times that have seen the extinction of such other lodges as the Order of Whooping Cranes and Brotherhood of Giant Sloths. But we here have come through the croo ... the crux... BARNEY (hissing) -- crucible -- (CONTINUED) 42. 81 CONTINUED: 81 FRED (grateful) -- crucible with our fur fluffy and our hooves unscathed. Now, the future holds many promises and many problems. As your next Herdmaster, I would bring to you the same determination, courage and -- if I may say so -- bold thinking that I have brought to the workplace. Thank you, and ack ack a-dack. Applause follows Fred's return to the floor. 82 PILTDOWN AND PYRITE 82 The only ones in their row not clapping, they scowl as Fred passes them... CUT TO: 83 INT. LODGE - RECREATION AREA - LATER 83 WIDEN as Barney propels a bowling ball (stone, of course) rumbling down the alley, sending pins flying. The Buffaloes cheer Barney's strike. We notice that most (if not all) of these Lodge members also work at the quarry. 84 AUTOMATIC PIN SPOTTER 84 It descends. It consists of a bent snout creature which "cranks" down a shelf with several monkeys on it. The monkeys grab the pins with their tails, straighten them up. Then the shelf cranks back up. 85 OTHER END OF ALLEY 85 Now it's Fred's turn. He trots up to the line, bowls... another strike! More cheers, AD LIB complaints, etc. The scorekeeper picks up hammer and chisel and fills out the last frame. LODGE MEMBER Congratulations, Fred. FRED Hey, when you're hot you're hot... boys, lemme buy a round of drinks for everyone. BARNEY Thanks, Fred, but here at the lodge drinks are free. (CONTINUED) 43. 85 CONTINUED: 85 FRED But the principle is the same, Barn. Don't forget that. Fred leads the group over to the bar. Piltdown and Pyrite come along with a shrug... why not, for a brew? Fred reaches -- 86 UNDER THE COUNTER 86 where he pulls out a hook-beaked little LIZARD -- 87 BACK TO SCENE 87 Fred uses this creature to open several beers. FRED (during this) Here you go, boys, nice and frosty... "BOTTLE OPENER" CREATURE (LIZARD) (aside) Go ahead, laugh. If I had a good orthodontist, my life woulda been different... Fred tosses the "Opener" aside -- 88 UNDER THE COUNTER 88 The critter bounces into the shelf, slides... when it re- covers, it realizes that its overbite has been straightened out by the impact. Very happy, it grabs a hat and coat, exits. 89 BACK TO SCENE 89 FRED (raising drink) Well, here's to... He looks around, sees -- 90 "PHOTO" ON WALL 90 It's actually "dots" chipped into a stone. It shows the young Fred, Barney and others gathered around soapbox racers. A banner reads "Junior Buffalo Day." 44. 91 BACK TO SCENE 91 FRED Here's to the greatest bunch of lifelong Buffaloes a guy could dream of leading. (an obvious prompt) Anybody else got a toast...? BARNEY 'Here's to the Water Buffalo and their next Herdmaster... Fred'! FRED Aw, gee, Barn... you shouldn't say that... (winking) ... at least not till after next week's election! LODGE MEMBER Fred, what was all that stuff in your speech about the workplace? I thought the only decision you made there was how many lunches to eat -- Laughter. Fred accepts it good-naturedly, reaches into his pocket. FRED Well, Harry, it just so happens that old Fred is moving up in the world... Boys, you're looking at Mr. Slate's new partner. PILTDOWN You and Slate? Who are you kidding, Flintstone? The only partner you got is hanging over your belt. Pyrite laughs, a bit too much. FRED Prepare to eat those words, Piltdown. PILTDOWN -- If I don't, you will -- FRED (a tight smile) Gentlemen, my card -- He passes them out, and the others take them, curious -- 45. 92 INSERT - CARD 92 Of course it's a little stone tablet... but it does indeed say "SLATE CONSTRUCTION -- F. FLINTSTONE, ASSISTANT JR. V.P. -- PUBLIC RELATIONS." 93 BACK TO SCENE 93 LODGE MEMBERS (AD LIB, impressed) Hey, way ta go, Fred... Whoa, gonna switch from a hard hat to a top hat, Freddy boy...? PYRITE (examining the card) Ah, it's probably a phony... Saying this, he bites down on it... winces as a tooth cracks. 94 BARNEY 94 tugs Fred's sleeve, pulls him close. BARNEY Gee, Fred, how come I didn't get any business cards? FRED Barney, it's all part of the plan. (to the others) Yes, boys, you see, I went up to my pal, Mister Slate and single- handedly made him an offer he couldn't refuse -- (Barney reacts to the "single-handedly" --) FRED -- 'Freddy boy,' he sez to me, 'We gotta talk turkey -- ' BARNEY Fred, we gotta talk turkey -- FRED That's right -- just like that -- BARNEY Fred -- ! Fred realizes Barney's got something on his mind. FRED Ah, excuse us, boys... 46. 95 NEW ANGLE 95 Fred pulls Barney into a quiet corridor. They stand near a trophy case. There's some bowling trophies here with a variety of names on them. (There's also trophies for "pie-eating contests" and "beer drinking chug-offs"; these have only Fred's name on them.) BARNEY Fred... what's this single-handed stuff? I distinctly remember at least four hands and two of them were mine. FRED (lowered voice) Barney, we could tell everyone how you invented this Fibrerock stuff, how Slate and Lava found out about it by accident and all, but what would that be? BARNEY The truth? FRED This is big business, Barney. We can't start telling the truth, it'd create the wrong impression. Think about all the really big deals in history -- back to the beginning of recorded time. Barney knits his brow in thought for maybe three seconds. BARNEY Okay. FRED What do they all have in common? (as Barney is stumped) I'll tell you. A front man. A guy who's out in the public eye running the point, fighting the crowds... and meanwhile... back in the corner is the silent partner. BARNEY I never knew that. FRED That's because the silent partner is always silent. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 47. 95 CONTINUED: 95 FRED (CONT'D) But while you're busy being silent -- (conspiratorially) -- all along you're the brains behind the operation and I'm the brains in front of the operation. I'm out here running the guts of the operation but you got a cut. It looks like my mind, but you're really behind. BARNEY I get it. I got the brains, but you just pretend to have them. FRED Attaboy! And a confident Fred shakes hands with an unsure "silent partner"... CUT TO: 96 EXT. FLINTSTONE/RUBBLE HOUSES - DAY 96 Barney comes out of his front door, heads toward the neighboring driveway and Fred's car. Betty comes out, calls to her husband. BETTY Barney, wait a minute... 97 CLOSER 97 He stops, turns. Betty comes over and we see he's wear- ing a sports jacket and an abysmally-tied tie. Betty fixes the knot. BETTY There. That looks more like a captain of industry. BARNEY Thanks, Betty. What would I do without you? BETTY Hmm. Probably run off to the tropics with one of those executive secretaries. (CONTINUED) 48. 97 CONTINUED: 97 BARNEY Come on, Betty, it's only my first day. You have to have seniority to run off... She giggles, kisses him. 98 FRED 98 is at the car door, lunch pail in hand, when Wilma calls out to him. WILMA Fred! Wait a minute! There's something wrong with your lunch -- FRED ("weighing it") Yeah... it does feel a little light... He returns to her, opens the pail, is surprised to find it's empty. Before he can comment, she smilingly presents him with a spanking new briefcase. "F.F" is embossed on it in gold. WILMA Fit for a king... my king. FRED Aw, Wilma... lookit, it's got buckles, a strap, a lock -- He opens it. Inside is a huge drumstick and some ribs. FRED -- Baby, you're the greatest. WILMA (kissing him) Good luck. (pause) Watch out for those... you know... hostile takeovers. FRED I'm already taken. He moves to the car. FRED Ah, Mister Rubble, I presume? Of the Fibrerock Rubbles? (CONTINUED) 49. 98 CONTINUED: 98 BARNEY Yes, yes. Looking good, Mister Flintstone. I see you've recovered from that polo accident. FRED Yas, yas. The water was too deep and my horse drowned. They crack up at their own wit, drive off. CUT TO: 99 SLATE QUARRY - LAVA'S OFFICE - DAY 99 Lava's on the phone, very worried. LAVA Ivan, look, okay, so I bought too much on margin... everyone said glaciers were here to stay, I mean, who knew? Just leverage my shares in Atlantis dry goods and -- what? When did that happen? Piltdown enters, knocks on the open door. PILTDOWN Mister Lava, the armored car is here. LAVA Armored car...? PILTDOWN Yeah. Must be a fortune in coo-coo berries on that baby. You know, for that Fibrerock stuff of Flintstone and Rubble's. You gotta sign here for it. LAVA (into phone) I... I'll get back to you. Lava comes over, signs the form. Meanwhile he looks out the window at -- 100 HIS POV - ARMORED CAR 100 The guards are unloading sacks of coo-coo berries. 50. 101 BACK TO SCENE 101 Lava signs the form, meanwhile looking Piltdown up and down. Finally -- LAVA Piltdown, this Fibrerock program is going to create a lot of changes around the plant. I want to make one more. You've been a wonderful thug and goon for me. Now, I'd like to expand your duties. I want you to become a provocateur. PILTDOWN Gee, Mister Lava, I donno. I kinda like girls myself. LAVA (patiently) What I mean, is, I'm going to use you to double-cross your Lodge and Union brothers, and make their lives a living hell. PILTDOWN Oh, okay. LAVA Good. You and your little pal will report directly to me and take orders only from me. (slapping him on the back) Now get out of here and start screwing your former friends and associates. Piltdown leaves, smiling. Lava rubs his chin, thoughtful. LAVA Coo-coo berries... CUT TO: 102 EXT. QUARRY - DAY 102 Fred and Barney appear in Fred's car, make a very quick turn into the quarry lot. 103 CLOSER 103 They both duck down behind the wheel. A moment later, Feldspar's patrol car comes barrelling by. (CONTINUED) 51. 103 CONTINUED: 103 Feldspar looks every which way, doesn't spot them. BARNEY (when he's gone) Gee, Fred, driving with you is better than an 'E' ticket at Magerock Mountain. FRED (getting out) Gets the old adrenaline going, Barn. Us big executives, we need that kind of jolt to get the old wheels turning. Lava comes INTO VIEW, carrying an armload of plans. LAVA Flintstone! Rubble! BARNEY Oh, hi, Mister Lava. LAVA Please, call me Jerry. Uncle -- I mean, Mister Slate told me to take you to your offices. If you'll follow me...? They move along. Fred notices a hotbed of activity nearby. Workers move scaffolding, animals labor. FRED Hey. What's going on? LAVA The Fibrerock assembly line. Unc -- Mister Slate's had a crew working on it all weekend. We're going to roll out the first sheets of Fibrerock by mid-week. FRED Yes, yes. Quick, dynamic entry into the marketplace. I approve. BARNEY But, Fred, it's right where the employee basketball court used ta be -- (CONTINUED) 52. 103 CONTINUED: (2) 103 FRED Hey, you're right... (resigned) ... Big business is hell, Barney. Trust me... you'll get used to it. BARNEY I guess so. You already did. Lava leads them to a wood-sided trailer. LAVA Well, gentlemen, here you are. As soon as you're settled, come over to the assembly line. We'll go over the Fibrerock formula before the first run. He goes off. Fred and Barney go -- 104 INSIDE TRAILER 104 There're two tiny little desks at the far end, separated by a flimsy divider. The single window here looks out over the quarry scrap heap. (As we watch, somebody dumps a load of debris.) Threadbare furniture on a worn rug sits under a portrait of "Our Founder" (Slate). 105 BACK TO SCENE 105 Fred and Barney look at all this in turn. Pause. Then they whirl, give each other high-fives. BARNEY All-right! FRED Welcome to the top -- partner. And as they shake, we -- CUT TO: 106 MONTAGE - ASSEMBLY LINE - DAY 106 Now, accompanied by heroic "industrial"-type MUSIC, we see the Fibrerock assembly line in full operation. This cannot be described now with appropriate justice, but it involves a series of animal-powered conveyor belts, Rube Goldberg-like funnels, spouts and chutes, and all sorts of gadgets, gizmos, bells and whistles, to wit: (CONTINUED) 53. 106 CONTINUED: 106 At one end of the building, dino-powered dumpsters and lifters drop off all the ingredients; these get stomped/ chewed/bashed and otherwise reduced to powder, which is then (courtesy of some squirting Mastodans) mixed with water into a foam, which bubbles through a long sawmill- type trough and is held back by a gate. Meanwhile, we see a sample item (in this case, a stone sofa) as it is placed before two "goatasauruses" which butt heads and smash the sofa between the two halves of a clay mold. When the mold is opened and the sofa tossed aside, Barney appears and personally "aims" the foam trough at a funnel in the top of the mold. Pausing to "taste" the mix, he smiles, then shouts -- BARNEY Ready... aim... fibre! Barney pulls a rope which opens the trough. "Fibrefoam" pours into the mold. 107 THE CLAY MOLD 107 gets "winched" unpwards by monkeys, and then an alliga- torsaurus whaps it with its tail. 108 BELOW 108 Presto! A Fibrerock copy of the stone sofa drops neatly out of the mold, bounces lightly on the conveyor belt below! It sparkles with the tell-tale celadon-green shimmer of Fibrerock. As it chugs along, the process repeats, and soon a score of identical sofas is in view. 109 END OF ASSEMBLY LINE 109 as a beaming Fred watches, workers easily stack the Fibrerock sofas (often one-handed). Nearby, we see Fibrerock window frames, doors, chairs, etc. 110 UP ANGLE - SLATE'S OFFICE BALCONY 110 Slate and Lava watch the progress, dollar signs in their eyes. DISSOLVE TO: 111 LONG MATTE SHOT - SLATE QUARRY - LATE AFTERNOON 111 Fibrerock products are stacked up everywhere, stretching away like the inventory in Charles Foster Kane's warehouse. We see everything from Fibrerock bricks to Fibrerock table lamps to Fibrerock toilets. MUSIC OUT. 54. 112 CLOSER - QUARRY YARD 112 Fred and Barney, weary, approach each other, shake hands as they view the day's incredible output. Other weary, but proud workers gather around them: Mr. Slate is about to address them from his office balcony. SLATE Men, this is a proud day for Slate Construction. You have seen the first pieces of Fibrerock roll off the assembly line and into history... a history you are all part of... thanks to your very own fellow worker, Fred Flintstone! 113 WORKERS - FAVORING FRED AND BARNEY 113 They cheer Slate's remarks, pat Fred on the back. 114 BACK TO SCENE 114 SLATE No longer will man and beast bend under the backbreaking load of stone and rock and timber... because Fibrerock is so light that even a child can handle it. (pause) That's why on Monday we're going to hire two dozen children from Bedrock Technical Junior High. They'll be replacing the 36 heavy equipment operators, 15 shaft diggers and 22 laborers we're laying off today. Your pink slips will be in your final pay envelopes along with a ticket to the grand opening of Slate City. It's non-transferable, so hang on to it. Thank you, and have a nice weekend. 115 THE QUARRY YARD 115 The workers stand slack-jawed and stunned. WORKER #1 Laid off --? WORKER #2 Pink slip --? WORKER #3 Thanks to Fred Flintstone? (CONTINUED) 55. 115 CONTINUED: 115 WORKER #4 Flintstone! What kinda shop steward are you? All eyes swivel and bore into Fred, who is as shocked as anyone. BARNEY Fred. You gotta do something about this! FRED I do? (realizing) I mean, I do, yeah! He squares his shoulders, marches off. BARNEY (proudly) That's my Fred... 116 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - DAY 116 Slate is practicing hitting golf balls into an automatic putting cup. Lava and some office workers are checking a blueprint against a model of "Slate City" which is made out of Fibrerock. A ball shoots back at Slate, who tees up again. 117 INSIDE THE PUTTING CUP 117 A little MOUSE in a complete hockey outfit jumps to catch the ball. Stopping it with his little hockey stick, the Mouse gasps, raises its hockey mask. MOUSE Whew. And it's still pre-season. He whaps the ball to Slate again. 118 BACK TO SCENE 118 Slate tees up the ball again. Fred barges in, banging the door. Startled, Slate drives the ball instead of putting it. It sails across the room and SHATTERS a PICTURE of Mrs. Slate. SLATE (furious) Flintstone! (CONTINUED) 56. 118 CONTINUED: 118 FRED (undeterred) Mr. Slate -- we gotta talk -- SLATE We do, eh? About what? FRED About those guys outside, Mr. Slate. Some of 'em, well, they been here for years. And you, well, you can't lay them off just like -- (snapping fingers) -- that! Slate looks at Lava, who shrugs. Slate looks back at Fred, stays surprisingly calm. He toys with the putter, balances it on his palm. SLATE Of course I can, Fred. I can lay them off like -- (snapping fingers) -- that, or like -- (a different style snap) -- that, or like -- He does a really nifty snap which combines with a buck- and-wing with the putter. SLATE -- that. FRED (bravura slipping) Oh, you can, huh? LAVA Of course he can, Flintstone. It's his quarry. SLATE (still calm, warm) That's right. Why -- (chuckling) I could lock the front door and go fishing if I wanted! Lava laughs along with the office staff and Slate. Fred chuckles a little to fit in. (CONTINUED) 57. 118 CONTINUED: (2) 118 SLATE (winking) Why, I could even fire Lava here if I wanted. Lava quivers with mock surprise. Everyone really laughs, now. SLATE Or... (wiping away a tear) I could fire you, Fred. FRED (guffawing) Me! Ah, ha, that's rich, Mr. Slate, that's -- Suddenly Fred stops laughing. SLATE Flintstone, Lava, here, recommended that you be in charge of public relations to get Fibrerock off to a good start. I'm a member of that public, Flintstone, and I have to say... this isn't a good start. I'm getting a bad feeling about Fibrerock. A bad feeling about... you. You want that feeling to go away, don't you? FRED Uh... well, gee, I... uh, yeah. SLATE Good. Then turn around and walk out of here and we'll forget all about this. Fred swallows, looks at Lava, goes meekly out. 119 EXT. QUARRY YARD - DAY 119 All the Workers watch expectantly as Fred comes out. They AD LIB -- WORKERS Well? What'd he say...? Ol' Freddie boy told him a thing or two... Probably got us a raise... Right, Fred...? Fred...? (CONTINUED) 58. 119 CONTINUED: 119 FRED Akkk... something... noble... man ... job... nose... wheel... shoulder... grindstone... hommm... yggggg... BARNEY (worried) Fred? Fred staggers over to his locker, opens it... gets in, and closes the door. We hear a MUFFLED SOB. 120 A NEW ANGLE 120 As the workers slowly realize the mighty Casey has struck out. CUT TO: 121 EXT. FLINTSTONE & RUBBLE LAWNS - DAY 121 Betty and Wilma stand, determined, while the kids gripe. PEBBLES But, Mommy, I wanna go roller skating... BAM-BAM (mouth full) Yeagh... 'hend thugh guys wher ghoing -- (swallow, munch) -- to play rockball at Paleolithic Park -- Betty wipes Bam-Bam's mouth, smiles sweetly. BETTY Well, you're both going to change your plans. Your new school is going to have a talent show... and you're going to have some talent. WILMA You don't have to win... honorable mention or most Kongenial Kids is perfectly acceptable. PEBBLES (aside) As long as we beat the pants offa Mrs. Slate's nephew... (CONTINUED) 59. 121 CONTINUED: 121 WILMA Young lady, this is not about beating pants, this is about becoming a well rounded child. Now, what kind of act will you do? BAM-BAM How about a disappearing act? He takes a tentative step away but Betty grabs him. BETTY We're waiting. Pebbles and Bam-Bam sigh, huddle. We hear snatches of discussion... PEBBLES BAM-BAM ... Wanna recite something? Nah, what are we, little 'Inky Dinky Spidersaurus...'? kids? How 'bout magic tricks? We could cut up a newspaper -- PEBBLES But then we'd need a hammer BAM-BAM and chisel... oh, what about That dumb thing? You that thing with Dino? think so...? Pebbles turns, the decision made. PEBBLES Okay. We're gonna sing a song with Dino. Instantly, on cue, Dino leaps out of nowhere, holding a straw hat and a cane. Wilma and Betty look at each other, skeptical. Bam-Bam reaches into his shirt and takes out a whistle. He blows it -- PEBBLES A one-and-a-two and-a -- 122 WIDER 122 MUSIC comes UP and Dino and his little friends do a dance routine we will call "The Dino Dance." It is a spectac- ular blend of soft-shoe and the kind of dog-and-pony-show gags usually seen in the circus or on the Ed Sullivrock show. Most importantly, the routine includes the following: A) Dino leaps back and forth through a hoop. (CONTINUED) 60. 122 CONTINUED: 122 B) The kids tie down a jump rope and Dino does a wire walk. C) And finally, Dino uses his tail to flip the kids onto his back, culminating in a big "ta-da" after they all slide down the rope for a big finish. 123 NEW ANGLE 123 THE KIDS (winding up) You can keep the Twist, The Frug and Hop I don't need to Shimmy, I don't need to Bop 'Cause I'm doin' doin' doin' The Igneous Rock! Panting for breath, Pebbles, Bam-Bam and Dino wait for a reaction. BETTY (to Wilma, impressed) Well? Think they're ready for the talent show? WILMA I think they're ready for Rock Vegas. As they laugh and hug the kids and Dino, we -- CUT TO: 124 EXT. LODGE HALL - THAT NIGHT 124 HERDMASTER (V.O.) Fellow Water Buffalo. In a few moments we will cast our votes for the lodge officers. 125 INT. LODGE HALL 125 TIGHT ON Fred as he leans back in his usual chair. HERDMASTER The election committee will make the preparations. FRED (confident) Since when do you have to prepare for a landslide, right, guys? (CONTINUED) 61. 125 CONTINUED: 125 Pause as Fred waits for a reply. He turns... SHOT WIDENS as he realizes no one is sitting near him. He looks around and sees -- 126 HIS POV - FRED'S POSTER 126 It's been altered to read "Fred Finkstone." Also added to Fred's image are horns, a beard and other choice touches. 127 BACK TO SCENE 127 Fred looks around, sees Barney approaching, having just left a group of angry Buffalo. FRED Barn -- w-what's going on? BARNEY They're mad at you, Fred... it's understandable, I mean, they all got laid off today -- Fred crosses to the other guys, puts on a big smile. FRED Guys, guys, come on now -- what's a quarry fulla layoffs got to do with a lodge fulla Buffaloes? BARNEY Is that a riddle? Give me a second -- PYRITE (stepping forward) I'll tell ya what! Mosta the guys in this lodge work for Mr. Slate -- PILTDOWN -- You mean used to work for him -- until somebody opened their big mouth -- FRED Fellas, come on. We're all big boys here -- He gestures vaguely towards the outside world, then back to the little band of brothers here. FRED Surely we can separate in our minds work, and play... Job, and Lodge... (CONTINUED) 62. 127 CONTINUED: 127 PILTDOWN (pointing at Fred) Candidate and double-crossing back stabber? (turning) Herdmaster! I move we commence the meeting... and the election! PYRITE I second the motion! HERDMASTER All in favor, say -- FRED Wait, wait... Your Antlerness, please, one second -- ! Fred grabs Barney by the shoulder, spins him around, pushes him forward like a refrigerator on a dolly, stands him up center stage. FRED Barney, you gotta tell the other guys what really happened. Tell 'em the story behind Fibrerock. The true story. The room quiets. Barney clears his throat. Fred waits, hopeful. BARNEY Well, there's not much to tell. (trying to remember Fred's phraseology) True, I got a cut... but Fred's got a gut. FRED No, no, the rest --! BARNEY Oh, yeah, I remember! I got the mind, but Fred's got the behind. Right, Fred? Barney turns, gives Fred a big wink. Fred groans. HERDMASTER Thank you, Brother Rubble. The Buffaloes will now have their secret vote. (a command) Fit... furs! (CONTINUED) 63. 127 CONTINUED: (2) 127 Everyone pulls their horned fezzes down over their eyes. HERDMASTER Paw... ground! Everyone does a bull-like stomp and scrape. HERDMASTER All for Piltdown, bellow now! The room ECHOES with MOOSE-LIKE SNORTS. HERDMASTER All for Flintstone, bellow now! Fred snorts, sounding like Herb Alpert's lonely bull. Even under his furry fez we see him "looking around" desperately, hoping to hear one more snort. He kind of sneaks in one more forlorn grunt which fades away... finally, as Fred squirms miserably, there is one more lonely snort... ... from Barney, of course. HERDMASTER Order furs! The fezzes come up. HERDMASTER The snorts have it! Brother Piltdown, it is my privilege to install you as the new Exalted Herdmaster Erect Antler and Big Buck of our Lodge. If you'll come forward, I will present you with the tokens of office. Cheers and applause as Piltdown goes to the podium. 128 FAVORING FRED AND BARNEY 128 Fred's a broken man. Barney moves over, puts his arm around him. BARNEY I voted for you, Fred. FRED Big deal, after you screwed everything up in the first place...! Barney reacts, really hurt. He moves away on the bench. Fred's so agitated he doesn't even realize it. 64. 129 WIDER 129 Piltdown accepts the festooned fez and shoulder ribbon, smiles at the group. PILTDOWN Thank you, Brother Chairman. Fellow Buffaloes, I'm a man of few words. It's no secret that most of our lodge members are also members of Amalgamated Neolithic 101... which means that most of us aren't gonna be able to make our cave payments next month. So my agenda for tonight... ends right now. There's a time to be a Buffalo... there's a time ta be a brown nosin' double-crossin' creep... All heads turn and swivel to look at Fred... swivel back. PILTDOWN ... and there's a time to stand up and be a man! So let's go down there and make the Slate shop into slate scrap... then we'll see how he gets along without the heavy equipment operators of Neolithic 101! Meeting adjourned! With angry grumbles and threats, the meeting breaks up. Fezzes are thrown into cubby holes and hard hats are slapped on. The Buffalo run out. When the dust clears, we see that only one member has avoided the herding instinct: Barney. Now, he turns, runs into -- 130 BUFFALO LODGE - RECREATION AREA - NIGHT 130 Fred is at the bar, opening a beer. He looks wistfully at the old, framed picture on the wall -- reacts as he sees -- 131 PICTURE 131 Even his childhood shot has been defaced. 132 BACK TO SCENE 132 He sets his jaw with a "screw 'em" expression, downs his beer. Then Barney runs up, shakes him by the shoulders. (CONTINUED) 65. 132 CONTINUED: 132 BARNEY Fred! Fred! The Buffalo are heading for big trouble -- ! FRED No kidding. They rejected the best candidate -- BARNEY No, no, not that! Piltdown's got the guys all worked up and they're heading down to the quarry! They're gonna wreck the assembly line! FRED (genuinely worried) Oh, no! That -- that's horrible! (pause) We could end up with half a percent of nothing! BARNEY No, Fred, if they do that they'll be breakin' the law! Our brother Buffalo could go to jail! FRED Oh, yeah, yeah, that, too... come on, Barn, we gotta stop 'em! CUT TO: 133 EXT. SLATE QUARRY - NIGHT 133 Silent, empty. CAMERA PANS FROM the still yard TO the gate. Down the road, we see Piltdown leading the angry mob. Quickly, they go to the gate, climb up and over it! PILTDOWN Okay! Let's start with Slate's golf trophies and work our way up to the assembly line! AD LIB angry cheers, and the mob storms into the plant, knocking aside equipment and supplies. 134 IN CAR - FRED AND BARNEY - NIGHT 134 Both pedaling like mad. (CONTINUED) 66. 134 CONTINUED: 134 FRED I don't believe this... how did things ever get this out of hand -- ? BARNEY I know. Makes you wish things were back the way they were... before we was big executives. FRED Well, I wouldn't go that far... Suddenly they're interrupted by the sound of a SIREN. Fred looks back and sees -- 135 FELDSPAR AND GRAVEL 135 Coming up from rear. Feldspar grabs his megaphone as he pulls abreast of Fred. FELDSPAR Flintstone! Pull over! FRED Oh, no, not now... Feldspar signals Fred onto the shoulder. Fred smiles, nods... 136 CLOSE ON FRED'S FEET 136 He slams them down through the floorboard -- 137 WIDER 137 Fred's CAR SKIDS, spins out, whirling around like a record on a turntable. It jerks to a halt 180 degrees later, and then ROARS off in the opposite direction. 138 FELDSPAR 138 So astonished he follows this action with his head... a bad move because -- GRAVEL Sarge! Look out -- ! 139 NEW ANGLE 139 The patrol CAR runs off the road, CRASHING into a stone fire hydrant. Water squirts into the air. Feldspar and Gravel are drenched. They're just coming to their senses when the ground heaves -- the car's front wheels rise -- 67. 140 NEW ANGLE 140 As we see that the water spout is actually coming from the blowhole of a whale which now sticks a bit of its head up from under the broken curb. WHALE I'm gonna sue you for everything you got -- CUT TO: 141 SLATE QUARRY - NIGHT 141 Led by Piltdown, the workers have grabbed a big timber which they're using like a battering ram on the doors of the assembly line building. Suddenly, with a crash, the doors go down! Piltdown and Pyrite stand back while the angry workers rush past them. PILTDOWN (loudly) Now we'll show 'em who's boss! PYRITE They can't push us around! Piltdown and Pyrite smash a few items to get everybody juiced up, and then... when no one is looking... ... they slip out the back! 142 REAR OF QUARRY - NIGHT 142 Fred pulls into the lot, slams his feet down to stop -- we hear SKIDDING -- they fishtail all over, slam right through a storage area for crates and barrels which collapse all around them. Finally they slam broadside into the main Quarry build- ing, knocking a hole in the wall. 143 NEW ANGLE 143 Fred and Barney cough in the rising dust. Neither one of them sees what we see, which is that visible in the hole in the wall is the Slate Company's granite-doored safe... ... and right beside it is the Xenosaurus, which now jumps up, startled, dropping a crowbar and a big hand drill. Recovering its composure, the Xenosaurus grabs up the tools as well as a big canvas bag and tiptoes away, vanishing just as our heroes stir. (CONTINUED) 68. 143 CONTINUED: 143 FRED (double-taking) Barn! Did you see that -- ? (peering through the dust) -- Huh, now it's gone... I coulda sworn... BARNEY Come on Fred. Time to earn those big bucks. They rush into the plant. 144 INT. ASSEMBLY LINE - NIGHT 144 As the workers continue their rampage, Piltdown and Pyrite reappear. PYRITE Darn that Flintstone and Rubble... they're gonna screw everything up... PILTDOWN Not if we give 'em a nice long vacation... in the hospital. Saying this, he grips tightly on a wrench. Then some rampaging workers rush by. Piltdown gives them an encour- aging cheer, and then he and Pyrite lead them up some stairs to the assembly line catwalk. There, Pyrite begins SMASHING some LIGHT FIXTURES with a club, while Piltdown uses brute strength to snap big support beams which he flings below. 145 CLOSE - PYRITE 145 Winds up for another baseball-type swing -- but as he follows through, the ball-shaped light fixture jerks up on its cable. Unable to stop in time, Pyrite spins around, falls on his ass. Barney drops down INTO VIEW, hanging horizontally from the rafters. He's holding the light fixture with his free hand. BARNEY Stee-rike one! Heh-hey. Ready for a curve ball? Pyrite doesn't have a sense of humor; club in hand, he jumps up, starts chasing Barney through the rafters. 69. 146 PILTDOWN 146 Spits on his hand, grabs another big beam. He pulls down on it... but it doesn't snap, it goes right up again. Puzzled, he pulls down on it again... there's another see-saw motion... ... This time Piltdown goes with the flow, pushes up and peers under the beam... 147 NEW ANGLE 147 Fred is hanging on the other end. FRED Brother Piltdown... can we talk about this, antler to antler? Piltdown roars, begins slamming the girder up and down. FRED Guess not... Fred inches down the shuddering beam, jumps off. Freed of Fred's weight, the other end "BOINGS" down on Piltdown's head. He groans, recovers in time to chase after Fred. 148 BARNEY AND PYRITE 148 Square off in the rafters. BARNEY Give me your best shot. Pyrite swings. Barney ducks and Pyrite SMASHES a WINDOW pane. Barney dodges again and the same thing happens. Getting cocky, Barney does it one more time... ... but this time the window is hinged in the center and the swivel action after the hit whaps Barney on the back and knocks him into Pyrite's next blow. 149 FRED 149 Is backpedaling away from Piltdown on the upper super- structure of the assembly line. Fred scrapes one foot in an arc in front of him. FRED Dare you to cross that line. Piltdown crosses it. FRED That line. (CONTINUED) 70. 149 CONTINUED: 149 Piltdown crosses it. Fred "marks" another one. Piltdown doesn't even wait for the challenge, takes a giant step. Oops. Bad idea: The last "line" was at the edge of a straight drop! Piltdown yelps, "treads air" in the best cartoon manner -- and then desperately grabs a handful of Fred's clothing! Both men fall -- at the last minute Piltdown catches a ladder! 150 BELOW - ASSEMBLY LINE 150 Fred lands with a thud right in the clay mold used to form the Fibre products! Worse, the impact arouses the goatasauruses out of their sleep. Dutifully, they rise, and then ram both sides of the mold just as Fred is struggling to his feet! Fred's yell is muffled by the clay. 151 OTHER ASSEMBLY LINE ANIMALS 151 Aroused by the "start up" of the assembly line, they do their job. Fibre foam begins to chug down the trough: The alligator crane picks up the mold, shakes it. 152 FRED 152 is flung to the conveyor belt, stiffly caked in clay. 153 THE FIBRE MOLD 153 shudders -- and shakes out a Fibre statue of... Fred! 154 BELOW 154 The real Fred, moving stiffly like a robot, is getting to his feet when his Fibre doppleganger slams him to the mat again! A moment later, another "Fred" drops down beside him. 155 PILTDOWN 155 Has descended the ladder, hopping mad. Now, he sees Fred coming toward him... Piltdown breaks a big lever off the equipment, swings -- reacts astonished as "FRED" SHATTERS. 156 FRED 156 Back down the line, he's seen this. His clay-caked Adam's apple gulps. Quickly, he turns and tries to "tip-toe" away -- then, with a CREAK and CRUNCH -- the clay and Fibre all over him solidifies! Desperate, he tries to move... can't! 71. 157 PILTDOWN 157 Watches, confused, as dozens of Fred Flintstones chug towards him on the belt. He shrugs, smashes the next one in line. Another phoney. He smashes the next one... CUT TO: 158 UP ABOVE - BARNEY 158 Dodging Pyrite's renewed attack. Now, Barney becomes aware of the activated assembly line. Getting an idea, he moves behind an inspection table, grabs a big rubber stamp. Pyrite comes around the corner... Barney's head butts him in the gut, dodges under his legs! Then, as Pyrite stumbles, Barney stamps his ass with the word "REJECT." Pyrite looks back, sees this, reddens... raises his club. PYRITE Reject, huh? Whaddya say we reject your head? He raises the club... when an alligator swings down and grabs him by the seat of his pants! Pyrite drops the club, howls -- 159 WIDER 159 The alligator crane swings him away and over a big bin marked REJECTS -- and drops him. Howling, Pyrite falls into a big bin of broken and defective Fibrerock goods. 160 BARNEY 160 Chuckles to himself... and then looks down, reacts. CAMERA ADJUSTS and we see that Piltdown has smashed yet another of the duplicate Freds. Worried, Barney looks around, sees that he's just above the Fibrefoam chute. Without another thought, he jumps into it -- slides downward like a passenger on the Magerock Mountain Log Flume ride -- 161 BELOW 161 Piltdown is about to swing at the real Fred -- when Barney sails out of the end of the chute and slams into him and Fred! All three of them roll across the floor towards -- 72. 162 THE END OF THE BUILDING 162 where a squad of policemen has just appeared -- led by a dripping wet Feldspar and Gravel! FELDSPAR All right! You're all under arr -- Wham! Barney, Fred and Piltdown roll right into the cops, who go flying like (what else?) tenpins, complete with appropriate sound. BARNEY (sitting up) Whattya know. Even got the spare again... Then he gasps as he looks over at Fred, whose head has just fallen off! Pause. Fred's real head slowly pokes up out of the clay and Fibre shoulders. Before he can extricate himself further, Feldspar and his men are dragging them out of the building. CUT TO: 163 INT. BEDROCK POLICE STATION - NIGHT 163 Wooden bars delineate the holding cells. "Wanted" posters of stone are hanging on the walls. As we watch, the contrite buffalos are bailed out by friends and relations. Wilma and Betty are just now clunking down stone money on the night sergeant's desk. BETTY Barney, I don't understand... what came over you boys? EXITING BUFFALO 'Night, Barney. (to Fred) So long, fatso. BUFFALO #2 See ya, Barn. (pause) Flintstone, you're dead meat. BUFFALO #2 'Night, pal. 'Night, slimeball. WILMA Fred, is there something you want to tell me about the lodge meeting? (CONTINUED) 73. 163 CONTINUED: 163 FRED I don't wanna talk about it. Besides, who cares about a bunch of jerks running around with furs on their heads? I'm more of a country club guy myself anyway... He goes out, hardly looking at Barney. Wilma and Betty look at each other, mystified... then Wilma follows Fred out, puzzled. 164 EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT 164 Lava stands in the shadows beside his Porscherock. Piltdown and Pyrite are with him. In the b.g., Fred and Wilma drive away. LAVA A simple little heist -- I gave you everything but the keys and you blew it -- PILTDOWN Hey, we got the union guys to break in and create a distraction, didn't we? Who knew Flintstone and Rubble would show up, too? LAVA The day after Slate City opens there's going to be an audit. If the stuff isn't gone by then we'll all be doing time until the Bronze Age. PYRITE Don't worry, Mister Lava... we're on top of it. They both turn and start down an alley... jamming together as they do. Lava sighs... then jumps as Barney comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. BARNEY Excuse me, Mister Lava -- ? I think you oughta know... something could be wrong with the Fibrerock mix. LAVA (thrown) How do you know that? (recovering) I mean... ah, why do you say that? (CONTINUED) 74. 164 CONTINUED: 164 BARNEY It tastes different. LAVA Tastes... different? BARNEY Yup. See, ever since I started with Fibrerock -- I mean, since me and Fred started with it, I always take a little taste of the Fibre foam. And tonight's batch, well... I didn't get much of it, but it seems a little off. (smacking his lips) Can't fool the old taste buds, heh-heh. I think there might be an ingredient missing. So tomorrow, I'll run a couple of tests and stuff -- LAVA Rubble, Rubble! We're fighting a deadline to finish Slate City... and we're not pulling the plug on production to satisfy your tastebuds! If you ask me, you and your tastebuds are overworked ... overwrought... how long have you been with us, anyway? BARNEY Nine days, Mister Lava. LAVA Jumping Jurrasic, no wonder you're so run down. He puts his arm around Barney, leads him towards the car where Betty is waiting. LAVA I'm authorizing a nice vacation for you, Rubble. Starting tomorrow. You can catch some rays, maybe invent something... hey, how about Fibrerock, the sequel, part II -- ? BARNEY But -- LAVA No, don't try and thank me. CUT TO: 75. 165 INT. SLATE'S OFFICE - DAY 165 Slate and Lava are examining a newer and larger model of Slate City. It's even more grandiose than its predecessor. Now the housing development has two huge office buildings beside it, and then a convention center beyond that. LAVA ... As you can see, the Fibrerock is so light we're using it for construction, for furnishings... for everything. You can't stack a two-bedroom cave this high... but the sky's the limit with Fibrerock! SLATE 'Sky's the limit'... 'sky's the limit'... why, these two buildings, they... they practically scrape the sky! We should call them... Slate scrapers! LAVA That's brilliant, Unc... Mister Slate. In fact, maybe you can help me with the centerpiece of the complex... (indicating the convention center) ... I wanna call 'em the FibreSphere and the '____' something Needle... but I just can't... SLATE (modestly) How about, 'Slate Needle'? LAVA 'Slate Need...' (astonished) ... How do you keep coming up with these? It's uncanny. SLATE (shrugging) It's a gift... LAVA (casually) Oh, that reminds me, sign these, will you... just a few overruns ... minor cost problems... that's it... thank you... (CONTINUED) 76. 165 CONTINUED: 165 Slate's so busy admiring his moment to himself he hardly listens to what Lava's saying, just runs his stylus through the wet clay of the statements, meanwhile "framing" the model city in his hands. LAVA (heading for the door) ... Oh, Mister Slate, we're going to hold the Bedrock Junior Talent Show in the uh, 'Slate Needle.' Good for public relations -- Lava breaks off. He's just looked out the window and seen -- 166 LAVA'S POV - QUARRY BELOW WINDOW 166 A small figure appears behind some of the equipment, tiptoeing from console to cabinet and thus towards the assembly line. Wearing sunglasses with attached nose and a hook-on beard, it at first appears to be some sort of bizarre hermit or bum... and then we realize, hey, this is Barney! 167 LAVA 167 Looks around, spots Piltdown and Pyrite, now resplendent in security guard uniforms. Lava whistles softly to get their attention, can't. Then he sees one of Slate's golf trophies. He shrugs, throws it. 168 BELOW - PILTDOWN 168 Reacts as the trophy bounces off his head, then looks up to see Lava gesticulating. Piltdown nods, grabs Pyrite in tow. 169 BARNEY 169 Looking around carefully, Barney takes out a Thermos bottle, unscrews the top, and quickly dunks it into the Fibrerock foam. Then he tiptoes O.S., right into the massive bulk of -- 170 PILTDOWN 170 -- who looks down at him with a big smile, Pyrite at his side. PILTDOWN Can we help you... sir? (CONTINUED) 77. 170 CONTINUED: 170 BARNEY (fake crotchety voice) Ah, yup, yup, young feller... jest show me the way to the personnel office... I'm lookin' fer a job as a custodian... PYRITE Our pleasure. Then they grab Barney with such force that the THERMOS drops and SHATTERS, drag him O.S. -- 171 SLATE QUARRY - MAIN GATE - DAY 171 Barney is tossed outside, landing in a heap amidst the picketing workers of Neolithic 101. PILTDOWN (chuckling) Ya can start by cleaning the street with your pants! Still laughing, Piltdown and Pyrite cross over to Lava, who has come out of the office building. LAVA That takes care of the half-pint. (pause) Now to deal with the half-wit. CUT TO: 172 INT. LAVA'S OFFICE - DAY 172 Lava walks Fred from the door into the color-coordinated high-style room. FRED (on the move) ... But Barney doesn't want to take a vacation -- he says he's gotta be here to check up on the Fibrefoam -- LAVA (pointedly) -- Oh? Or check up on us? Emotionally, Lava turns, indicates a picture of Slate on the wall. (CONTINUED) 78. 172 CONTINUED: 172 LAVA Flintstone, that... that's a slap in the face of our founder... our employer... our uncle. (turning back, another tone) Unless, of course, you agree with Rubble... that Mister Slate isn't capable of running this operation ... that I'm not capable of running it? FRED (nervous) Of course not, Mister Lava. But -- LAVA Call me Jerry. Sit down, please... Fred complies. Lava winces as his designer FURNITURE CREAKS under Fred's weight, but he only says -- LAVA (offering one) ... Cigar? FRED Why, yeah, sure, Jerry. LAVA Fred, let me get to the bottom slime. Some men -- you and me, for instance -- we're cut out for the big time, the big bucks... (eyeing Fred's girth) ... the big everything. Lava smiles, prepares the tips on two cigars. He puts each one in turn in a gizmo on his desk. 173 CLOSER - GIZMO 173 It's actually a frame supporting a little LIZARD. The Lizard bites the tip off the cigar, practically chokes on it, finally manages to spit it out with difficulty. LIZARD (aside) When they say smoking is bad for your health, they're not kidding... 79. 174 BACK TO SCENE 174 LAVA And others? Wellll... Now Lava takes out a lighter, leans across the desk. 175 CLOSER - LIGHTER 175 As Lava works the mechanism, two wooden twigs rub rapidly across each other and ignite. 176 BACK TO SCENE 176 LAVA ... Now, I know your pal Barney had a small part in the preliminary research and development of Fibrerock... FRED Well, actually, I wouldn't say small part... I'd say... LAVA Yes? FRED ... Kind of a medium-sized... well, almost medium-sized... well, really a semi-partial assistant counsulting type, of -- LAVA (giving Fred a playful punch) You're too kind, Flintstone, that's what I like about you. But you're a big guy with a big decision to make. Are you gonna keep covering for Barney, keep pulling his acornsauruses out of the fire... or are you going to concentrate on your own important duties? FRED Well, gee, that's tough one -- (pause) -- Uh, what are my important duties? LAVA Publicity, Flintstone, publicity! (MORE) (CONTINUED) 80. 176 CONTINUED: 176 LAVA (CONT'D) And that's why I've got a little surprise for you... for the man who made Fibrerock a household word, I want you to meet the man who's going to make you a household word... Lava throws the door open. Fred's jaw drops as he sees -- FRED R-rockin' Leach? Indeed, it is he, and he smiles, extends his hands. LEACH 'Ello, Fred. I've 'eard a lot h'about you from Mister Lava. H'at's why we're going to put you on our program. FRED M-me? On -- on television? LAVA (patting his back, sotto) Right, Fred. As long as you forget all this nonsense about Barney. FRED (still in a dazed thrill) Barney who? CUT TO: 177 EXT. FLINTSTONE HOUSE - DAY 177 Three big dino-mounted trucks are parked in front. You have to read the words on all three: "ROCKSTYLES OF..." "THE RICH..." "AND FAMOUS." Technicians roll out gear, set up big spotlights, etc. 178 CLOSER - YARD 178 Rockin' Leach is surveying the place with an aide. Fred and Wilma are with them. Leach makes a "frame" with his hands, "pans" the area. (CONTINUED) 81. 178 CONTINUED: 178 LEACH Hmm. Lovely little guest 'ouse, Mister Flintstone. So simple, so ordinary, so unexceptional... why, h'it's almost quaint. Let's say we start with the camera 'ere, except... Leach breaks off, looks over the fence at the Rubble homestead. He shakes his head sadly. FRED W-what's wrong? LEACH Well, just look at that yard over there... barbecues and trikes, not exactly the right image... FRED (pointing) Maybe you could move those plants to block them out...? LEACH Good idea. Rodney, get 'hoppin' with those greens. The aide nods, gathers some workers. They start moving the potted plants. Puzzled, Wilma comes over. WILMA Fred, this was supposed to be a 'typical evening' at the Flintstones, and you invited fifty people I don't even know. Now what's going on? Where are they taking my ficus-sauruses? FRED It's the Rubble yard, Wilma. It's just not the right image... He starts away, suddenly notices his own barbecue and trikes... quickly, without missing a stride, he tosses a tarp over them, slides a potted plant over for good measure. 179 BARNEY AND BETTY'S HOUSE - SAME TIME 179 Betty, hair and face done, but still in a slip, is putting a reluctant Bam-Bam into a cute little blazer. In the f.g., Barney finishes tying a black tie, then struggles into a dinner jacket. (CONTINUED) 82. 179 CONTINUED: 179 BETTY I don't know why you want to go to this thing... after the way Fred's been treating you lately -- BARNEY Fred's in a high-powered executive job, Betty. There's a lot of pressure on him. BETTY Yeah... and it's all around his belt. If it wasn't for poor Wilma I wouldn't give him the Geological Time -- BARNEY Trust me, Betty. After the Fibrerock debut, he'll be the same old Fred. Both react to the sound of HAMMERING and SAWING. Curious, they go out the sliding bedroom door into the yard and see -- 180 THEIR POV - THE FENCE 180 The television crew has just finished nailing boards up over the top of the fence. Now the big potted plants are dropped into place. With each hammer stroke or thud a little more of the late afternoon sun is shut off until Barney and Betty are in shadow. Finally a canvas tarp is tossed as gracefully as pizza dough, sails into the Rubble yard and covers their bird bath. One last stray end lands on Barney's head. CUT TO: 181 QUICK CUTS - FLINTSTONE YARD - ANGLE ON "KLEIG LIGHTS" 181 Inside each one, a little BIRD in hardhat and smoked visor lights up the arc, gets knocked on his butt when it catches. BIRD (slowly getting up) I've heard of a flash in the pan, but this is ridiculous... 182 ON DINO 182 He's squirming uncomfortably under the attentions of two crew members who are busy with scissors and combs and brushes. (CONTINUED) 83. 182 CONTINUED: 182 Finally, they're done and leave him. He has been cut and trimmed like a French poodle. He gets a glimpse of himself in the swimming pool and freaks out. Then he arches his back, shakes out the hairstyle. 183 CLOSER ON ROCKIN' LEACH 183 The MAIN TITLE of the show can be heard O.S. ANNOUNCER (O.S.) And now... the man who brings you the romance and excitement you crave... from the casinos of Monte Carlrock to the glamour of Hollyrock, here's your guide to the Rockstyles of the Rich and Famous, Rockin' Leach! Leach takes his cue from the director -- LEACH (INTO CAMERA) Good evening. Tonight we come to you live from the ah... charming pied a terre of the man of the 'our, Fred Flintstone -- Leach pauses, hearing the sound of someone CHIPPING AWAY at a stone tablet... he looks up at -- 184 HIS POV - FRED 184 He has just carved "FREDERICK" into a stone cue card and points to it. 185 BACK TO SCENE 185 LEACH 'Ere we are at the 'ome of Bedrock's man o' the 'our, Frederick Flint-- More CHIPPING. Leach looks up and sees: 186 HIS POV - FRED 186 Now he's carved something grander. Leach sighs, goes on. LEACH 'Ere we are at the fabulous 'ome of Bedrock's man o' the 'our, Frederick von Flintstone -- 84. 187 NEAR THE HOUSE 187 Barney and Betty appear, Bam-Bam in tow. They come out into the yard. Betty waves at Wilma, who comes over, whispers. WILMA Thank heaven. There isn't one person I know here. BARNEY You mean beside Fred? WILMA I mean including Fred. They look over at -- 188 THE SET 188 Where Leach has pulled Fred on camera. Fred is posing, fluffing his ascot, etc. We notice a "FVF" embroidered patch on his jacket. LEACH Frederick, of course, is the man behind Fibrerock -- the invention that some predict will revolutionize life in the future. Frederick, 'ow does it feel to know that you 'ave personally brought the Stone Age as we know it to a long-deserved end? FRED (very affected accent) Well, Rockin', you're right, I have affected destiny for all mankind, and it's a sobering thought. However, if I may add a personal note at this time, I myself cannot personally take all the credit for Fibrerock... 189 WILMA, BARNEY, BETTY 189 react with hopeful expressions -- BARNEY (sotto, to them) See? What'd I tell ya? 85. 190 BACK TO SCENE 190 FRED No, I could never have done it without the inspiration and support of a very special person. I'm speaking, of course, of my close friend and associate, Mister Slate, founder and C.E.O. of Slate Construction... 191 WILMA, BARNEY, BETTY 191 Barney's face falls. So do Wilma and Betty's. CUT TO: 192 EXT. SLATE CITY - NIGHT 192 Slate City! In the far future, Manhattan will have New Jersey... Philadelphia will have Levittown... L.A. will have Burbank... but today Bedrock has... Slate City! 193 CLOSE ON "SLATE NEEDLE" AND FIBRESPHERE 193 Both decorated in pennants and bunting, connected to each other by a gangway six stories up. Block letters on the Fibresphere proclaim "Slate Construction brings you THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF FIBRE." A heroic statue of Slate himself stands close by the structures. (Sphere and needle, of course, are dead on parodies of the Trylon and Perisphere, centerpieces of the '39 World's Fair.) A limousine pedaled by two chauffeurs pulls up. Mr. and Mrs. Slate and Lava, and Lava's son, POINDEXTER, get out. It is immediately evident that the little obnoxious acorn hasn't fallen far from the tree. POINDEXTER Wow! Is this ever keen! Dad, you promise I can cut in all the lines? LAVA Of course, Poindexter, of course. They head for the mastodon and pully-powered elevator. Standing there are Piltdown and Pyrite, both in security guard uniforms. (Piltdown is carrying a vaguely-familiar satchel). Lava gives them a big look. They nod. As the elevator rises, his two cronies duck into a stairwell marked "NO ADMITTANCE." CUT TO: 194 RESUME - FLINTSTONE HOUSE 194 The party is in full swing. (CONTINUED) 86. 194 CONTINUED: 194 We see Pebbles and Bam-Bam squirming uncomfortably in their party clothes. They take some canapes off of a table, take a bite... spit them out. 195 FRED 195 Stands beaming, nodding to his guests. FRED Hello, hello. Bon soir. Good to see ya... glad you could make it... GUEST (unconvincingly) Hello, Frank... FRED Fred -- there's the bar, make yourself at home -- mi casa es votre casa, so, when in Rome and all that -- WILMA (coming over) Fred, can I talk to you -- ? Fred? Fred? (concerned) We have a serious problem with Betty and Barney. FRED (alarmed) You mean you can see their house -- ? WILMA (exasperated) I mean you're treating them horribly! What's come over you, Fred? Does a little money mean so much to you that you just turn your back on the things that really count? FRED Wilma, I'm shocked. I wouldn't do that. Okay, I admit it: I'm trying to make an impression here, I wanna look good, I wanna be a success... He takes her hand, looks into her eyes. For a moment, Wilma's face softens. (CONTINUED) 87. 195 CONTINUED: 195 FRED ... But deep down inside, I'm still the same lovable guy you married -- (pause) -- Frederick von Flintstone the third -- WILMA Arrrgh -- ! She throws up her hands, stalks away. FRED What'd I say? 196 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 196 Hangs up the sea shell phone, runs over to Leach. P.A. That was our location guy at Slate City. They just moved the ribbon cutting up by an hour. Guests are already starting to arrive. LEACH Fabulous! I've 'ad enough crab meat and crabgrass to last me a year. All right, boys, that's a wrap! 197 FRED 197 In the middle of a tight little group which is pigging out. Fred seems oblivious to the fact that they're oblivious to him. FRED ... Yas, yas, it's a challenging commodity market these days. Personally, I'm considering petrified forests, but they do say that volcano futures are ready to explode, ha, ha... Suddenly Fred notices that his "audience" has evaporated. He looks around, sees everyone headed for their cars, the TV crew packing up, etc. FRED ... Hey, whoa, what's happening -- (CONTINUED) 88. 197 CONTINUED: 197 LEACH'S AIDE What's happening isn't happening here. The action's over at Slate City. Oh, thanks for the booze, Ed -- FRED Fred! He stumbles through the thinning crowd, clutching at elbows. FRED Hey, what's the hurry? We got a cake shaped like a piece of Fibrerock... I got it, how about some charades? No, even better, twenty questions: 'Am I animal, mineral, or fossil'...? Oh, I heard a great one the other day ... a guy walks in a bar with a duckasaurus on his head and the bartender says -- this'll kill you, the bartender says -- Fred stops, running out of steam along with his moment of glory. He stands alone on the lawn. Wilma slowly comes up to him. WILMA Fred... I... I'm sorry it's not working out... Fred turns, puts on a big smile. FRED Whaddya mean, not working out? They're goin' party hopping, that's all. That's what ya do in society, Wilma... you cruise around. They'll go over to Slate's shindig for a while, then they'll come back here. WILMA Fred... FRED You go on over to Slate City, okay? WILMA Fred, I want to be here with you -- (CONTINUED) 89. 197 CONTINUED: (2) 197 FRED Nah, me and some of the guys from the country club, we're gonna play poker, yeah, big stakes poker until everybody comes back. Go on with the others. The kids got their show to put on anyway... and I wouldn't want people to think... to think the Flintstones were party poopers. She doesn't know what to say, or what she can say that won't shatter his shaky image. She sighs, kisses him, then calls out. WILMA Come on, Pebbles. We're going to another party. PEBBLES Will there be real food there? WILMA We'll find out together. She takes the girl's hand and goes to the door, where the last of Leach's crew is just going out. Suddenly Betty catches up to her, Bam-Bam in tow. BETTY Wilma, wait. I'm going with you. WILMA Why? BETTY If friends can't do something stupid, who can? Wilma smiles, touched. BETTY Besides... (lowering her voice) ... Maybe if we leave the boys alone...? Wilma nods, hopeful. 198 EXT. FLINTSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT 198 The film crew caravan is already leaving as Wilma, Betty and the kids get into the Rubble car. The last TV crew- man extinguishes the big spotlight. The house is dark, forlorn in the fading twilight. 90. 199 REAR OF YARD - NIGHT 199 Fred sits forlorn in the rubble of his party. Dino comes over, nuzzles his leg. FRED Just you and me now, Dino. Yeah. That's okay. Man and man's best friend. He gives Dino one of the canapes. Dino tastes it, makes a face, spits it out. DINO runs off, going "PTOOIE" all the way. We see him run to the corner, jump in Betty's car and drive away. 200 FRED 200 sighs, looks around, down at his blazer and the "FVF" patch. He suddenly rips it off in a fury. Then he looks at -- 201 THE WALL IN FRONT OF BARNEY'S PROPERTY 201 202 BACK TO SCENE 202 Fred stares at it, his face slowly darkening. Then he grabs a lawn chair from the yard, begins to smash it in a fury against the divider. The wall cracks, splinters; the potted plants go flying. 203 FRED 203 His anger spent, he stands panting, splattered with dirt... then he sees -- 204 NEW ANGLE - ANOTHER DIRT-COVERED FIGURE 204 -- standing in the ruins of the wall. The figure sneezes, whacks dirt off of itself. It's -- FRED (disbelieving) B... Barney? BARNEY (moving closer) Hiya, Fred. (noticing his ruined tuxedo) Boy, the rental place is gonna be mad... (eyeing the mess) ... You feeling better, pal? (CONTINUED) 91. 204 CONTINUED: 204 FRED 'Pal'? How can you call me that? Barney, I... I've been such a... such a... such a... BARNEY Creep? FRED Well, yeah. But more of a -- BARNEY (helpful tone) Fool? FRED Well -- BARNEY Slimeball? Louse? Jackass? (snapping fingers) Stuck-up blimpasaurus? FRED (wincing, but taking it) Barney... can... can you ever forgive me for being such a jerk? BARNEY (stepping closer) Sure, Fred. (smiling) I've had lots of practice. FRED (touched) Aw, Barn... And he grabs Barney in a big bear hug. Tears in both their eyes, they slap each other on the back, two prehistoric sensitive guys. CUT TO: 205 FIBRESPHERE & SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 205 Little cupola cars are chugging around the upper level of the Fibresphere, where they enter a tunnel-like open- ing labeled "THE WORLD OF FIBRE." Wilma, Betty, the kids and Dino are in one of these. Now, we FOLLOW them as they chug into -- 92. 206 THE FIBRESPHERE "WORLD OF FIBRE" RIDE 206 The cupolas rattle along in Disneyland style, passing a sign which reads: "FIBREROCK--TRANSFORMING THE HOME." Here, mechanical figures in an all-Fibre home move klutzily around the room. RECORDING (V.O.) (a la 'The Great Gildersleeve') Welcome! Welcome to the fabulous world of tomorrow... a world brought to you by Fibrerock! 207 REVERSE ANGLE 207 REVEALING that behind the hollow shells of the human family is a veritable family of monkeys, all working the figures like puppets. A PARROT at a stand-mounted microphone is giving the narration. PARROT (RECORDING) (V.O.) Here, we see a typical family of the future, free of the cares and worries of today... yes, the great kibble crisis is a thing of the past when you're living the good life... the Fibrelife! 208 NEXT EXHIBIT 208 The CARS CHUG past a display of tree trunks, leaves, bubbling gunk... and those iridescent vegetable pearls we've come to know... coo-coo berries. Iron bars and vault-like doors separate the coo-coo berries from the other items. ANOTHER PARROT Here, gathered from the four corners of the globe, are the secret ingredients of Fibrerock... some common, some rare... all making life easier for you and yours! 209 THIRD EXHIBIT 209 The little CARS CHUG into an elegant salon, complete with runway. There's another PARROT here in front of another megaphone, but this parrot is chic and flamboyant. FASHION PARROT But does Fibrerock belong only in the kitchen, the garage, the workplace? No, no, no, my darlings! 93. 210 FASHION MODELS ON RUNWAY 210 As each girl struts forward, she shrugs off a bulky animal fur and tosses it into a garbage can. Underneath are all kinds of daring and tantalizing fashions woven in the tell-tale fibre colors. The clothes are a blend of the future and retro (that is, prehistoric retro). FASHION PARROT Because the clothes of the Stone Age are as extinct as stones themselves! Yes, thanks to the wonder of Fibrerockfibre, the world of high fashion will be totally transformed... by Fibre furs... Fibre frocks... Fibre foundations and Fibreshoes... it's to die for! 211 FOURTH EXHIBIT 211 Now, we see a display of Fibrerock props of all kinds -- appliances, toys, tools, etc... all of it upstaged by a choir consisting of every animal, bird and critter we've seen in this film. Wilma, Betty, the kids and Dino ooh and ahh with the other guests as the mechanical animals all sing in unison -- FIBRE CHOIR (V.O.) 'It's a Fibre World you know, It's a Fibre World you know, It's a Fibre World you know -- ' CUT TO: 212 INT. BARNEY'S WORKSHOP - NIGHT 212 Fred and Barney are surrounded by books and cartons and memorabilia. They have their arms around each other and are singing. FRED & BARNEY 'Now it's time to do or die, grab that rock and kick it high, let's fight, fight, fight for Bedrock High!' They break up laughing. Fred chuckles, looks at one of the many old photographs strewn around. FRED Boy, those were the days, Barney. Bedrock High winning all those games... and you and me right in the middle of it. 94. 213 NEW ANGLE - FAVORING PHOTO 213 The photograph (dots in stone) shows the young Fred and Barney in their cheerleading costumes. Barney has a sweater and megaphone; Fred is in a Godzilla-like "mascot" costume. He's holding the hideously-sculpted head under his arm. BARNEY Yeah. Too bad we never made the team. FRED So what? We made the team spirit. That's just as important... whatever happened to those cheerleader costumes? BARNEY You know Betty. She never throws anything away. He hauls out an old footlocker, opens it. There they are. FRED (rummaging in it) Boy. Talk about memories. Fred tosses the cheerleader sweater to Barney, who grins, pulls it on. Fred also starts to get into his old "uniform," but has to suck his gut in mightily. Finally, he can zip it up, stern to stem. FRED Back then, we thought a pop quiz was a big problem. We didn't know how good we had it. No problems, no worries... Saying this, Fred attempts to put on the Godzilla-like head. He has a hard time sliding it into a hinge rail behind his neck, an even harder time swinging it down and forward. BARNEY Speaking of problems and worries, shouldn't we get on over to Slate's party? Fred has finally "clinked" the monster head down into place. Now, when he talks, the monster's mouth moves in sync. (CONTINUED) 95. 213 CONTINUED: 213 FRED (echo-y) What for? So him and all his fancy friends can look down their noses at us? Completely covered in the ferocious-looking suit, Fred steps over to Barney, stabs an angry claw in his direction. FRED (echo-y) All they've been doing is using us, Barney. And meanwhile -- Now Fred reaches up to take the head off. It sticks for a moment. Finally he gets it to flip back on its hinge where it hangs behind his neck like a ski parka hood. FRED (normal voice) -- Meanwhile all the time they were laughing at us. BARNEY Yeah? When did you notice that? FRED About an hour ago. BARNEY Boy, there's no fooling you, Fred. Suddenly, with a GROWING CREAKING, CRACKING and TINKLING, a scale model of Slate City in the corner begins to fall apart. Fred and Barney look at each other, startled, then rush over to the model. It's the interim version we saw earlier. 214 CLOSER - MODEL 214 The decomposition continues, walls and supports turning into sand and running down before our eyes. In a Rube Goldberg-like continuum, the little houses go first, falling like dominoes... FRED Wha... what's happening? Barney tries to stop the process, can't. (CONTINUED) 96. 214 CONTINUED: 214 BARNEY I... I don't know... the Fibrerock it's... it's decomposing... but this shouldn't happen... FRED Your old models are just fine... 215 ANGLE 215 Indeed, the older models from Barney's tinkering days are rock solid. 216 BACK TO SCENE 216 BARNEY It should be. There's enough coo-coo berry resin in there to petrify a brontosaurus -- Suddenly Barney gets it. He looks from the older models to the now decomposing little Fibresphere with growing awareness. BARNEY (snapping his fingers) -- The coo-coo berries! Fred, that's it! FRED What's it? BARNEY Remember I said the Fibrefoam tasted funny? It was the coo-coo sap that was missing! FRED But.. why would -- BARNEY Why? Because coo-coo berries are as valuable as goldrock! And we've had tons of 'em delivered to the plant since we started... somebody musta got greedy -- FRED -- Not 'somebody' -- Lava! BARNEY (alarmed) Fred, that sap acts as a fixative -- it's the glue that holds the whole formula together -- ! (CONTINUED) 97. 216 CONTINUED: 216 FRED (with mounting concern) Then... what's happening here... BARNEY (finishing it) ... Is gonna happen for real in the real Slate City! FRED Oh no... Barney! Wilma and Betty -- and the kids -- they're all there -- With a final WHIMPER, the little FIBRESPHERE CAVES IN and then the nearby SLATE NEEDLE CRUMBLES, model story by model story. Finally the "DISK" on top of the needle is all that's left, wobbling around like a spun dinner plate. It finally falls... EXPLODES. FRED (worried) -- B-barney... what do we do? Barney runs to a locker, grabs a big plunger-powered flit gun, begins filling it with a red liquid. BARNEY Coo-coo berry sap, Fred! It's our only chance -- their only chance! Barney gives it a quick test squirt. Fred nods, and they rush out of the room. CAMERA PUSHES IN ON the ruins of the model "Slate City"... CUT TO: 217 INT. SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 217 WIDEN FROM a young kid who is drinking a glass of water and simultaneously singing with a ventriloquist's dummy. Obviously, the talent show has begun. In the audience, Lava fidgets with nervous and confident energy... gives Wilma a big look. LAVA You're certainly looking lovely this evening, Mrs. Flintstone. Life with a junior executive must agree with you. (CONTINUED) 98. 217 CONTINUED: 217 WILMA Uh... thank you... I think. LAVA (looking into her eyes) Yes. I think so, too. (smiling) Imagine how good you'd look with a senior executive. WILMA Oh? Is Fred getting promoted? Lava laughs, sure she's kidding... then not so sure. The ventriloquist finishes to scattered applause. The kid bows, gets up... splashes across puddles of water on the stage area. The Headmistress of L'ecole Superior et al steps up. Behind her, the picture window displays the expanse of Slate City: The twin Slatescrapers framing endless rows of little tract houses stretching to the distant volcanic ridge. HEADMISTRESS (as applause dies) Sank you, ladies and gentlemen. An' sank you, Monsieur Slate for zis lovely setting. Zoot alors, zis will ze mos' fantas'tic recital in Bedrock 'istoree. Now, I would like to sank out mos' generous benefactress, Madame Slate for her fine support o'vair zee years -- She gestures into the audience, where Mrs. Slate stands, waves a gloved hand like the Queen Mother. HEADMISTRESS -- An' now, what better introduction could we 'ave for Mrs. Slate's vairy own gran' nephew... Poindexter Lava! She steps aside. Curtain rises on little Poindexter. He is carrying a leather-and-bone accordion. He begins to play: POINDEXTER (singing loudly) 'Dino of Spain, I adore you Right from the moment I saw you -- ' 99. 218 QUICK SHOTS - AUDIENCE 218 Their smiles become fixed. (Up on the spotlights, the little birds who operate the lights put earplugs in their ears.) In the wings with Pebbles and Bam-Bam, DINO MOANS, hides his head under his paws. On the refreshment table, GLASSES CRACK... a cake falls. 219 CLOSE ON LAVA 219 He surreptitiously checks his wrist watch... CUT TO: 220 INT. EMPTY FIBRERIDE - TIGHT ON ANOTHER WATCH - NIGHT 220 This one a pocket job. (Like Lava's, it's really a little sundial with a built-in burning match above it to provide a shadow!) We WIDEN, and see that this watch is held in a green, scaley claw. 221 ANOTHER ANGLE 221 It's the xenosaurus, lurking behind the exhibits! Now, the CREATURE GRUNTS confidently, lights up a cigar. Then it picks up a canvas bag and a big toolbox and tiptoes into the deeper recesses of the Fibre ride. CUT TO: 222 INT. FRED'S CAR - TRAVELLING 222 Fred and Barney rush along, Fred at the wheel. FRED What'll we do when we get there? BARNEY We just tell Mister Slate that all 500 acres of his development are going to crumble into dust any minute. (holds up the flit gun) Then we zap the stairs and corridors with some of this coo-coo sap. I just hope we have enough to get everybody out -- whoops! He's said this last because as he held up the flit gun, the handle whacked the back of Fred's monster costume, and the head has flipped down with a solid "clink." (CONTINUED) 100. 222 CONTINUED: 222 FRED Barney -- ! (swerving all over the road) -- I can't see straight -- Barney gets up on his knees, grabs the wheel with one hand and the monster head with the other. BARNEY Hang on, hang on -- Oops. He rotates the head completely around. Fred flails around. Barney grabs the wheel with one hand, tries to help Fred with the other. 223 EXT. CAR - NIGHT 223 It careens around even more wildly now. There's several near collisions. CUT TO: 224 EXT. "ROCKDONALD'S" RESTAURANT - NIGHT 224 "Rockdonald's" is, of course, complete with golden arches of stone, a drive-up window, etc. It even has the oblig- atory cops on a break... in this case, Feldspar and Gravel. They're sitting in their patrol car eating from little bamboo containers shaped just like McDonald's Styrofoam. (Of course, the logo on the building behind them proudly reads "OVER 100 SOLD.") FELDSPAR (mouth full, bitching) Speed traps again! Face it, Gravel. I'm in a rut... and meanwhile, the guys who went through the academy with me, they're all big shots now: Sam Slate... Dirty Harock... Magma, P.I. And you know why? 'Cause they got the breaks, that's why! Suddenly both officers react to the sound of SKIDDING TIRES and HONKING HORNS. They look out their window at -- 225 FRED AND BARNEY - DRIVING PAST 225 both still battling the wheel and the resistant costume head. (By now their gyrations have put Barney's face inside the jaws of the monster mask.) 101. 226 BACK TO SCENE 226 GRAVEL S-sarge, d-did you see that? Some sorta creature was attacking that little guy -- ! FELDSPAR There's a lesson there, Gravel... never pick up hitchhikers. Besides -- (realizing) -- Did you say 'creature'? They do a big double-take at the now-vanishing car. FELDSPAR & GRAVEL The xenosaurus! Excited, Feldspar bangs his dashboard and a DISPATCH PARAKEET in a police uniform pops INTO VIEW. Feldspar grabs it around the neck, holds it like a microphone. FELDSPAR This is a xenosaurus alert. Repeat, a xenosaurus alert. The creature has been sighted on the Slate City exit of the Venturock Freeway! It is driving a brown late model sedan and eating a white male Caucasian. Car twelve is in hot pursuit. He releases the bird, which doesn't fly away right away, but gives him a look. FELDSPAR (remembering) Oh, yeay... over and out! The bird nods, appeased, flies off. DISPATCH PARAKEET (as it goes) Awwk! Car Twelve is on the way. Car Twelve is on the way... FELDSPAR (thrilled) Gravel, this could mean promotions for both of us! (trotting up to speed) Load the shotgun and turn on the siren! 102. 227 FRED'S CAR - TRAVELLING 227 Barney is rocking Fred's head back and forth, finally gives it one last mighty yank. Something breaks. Barney falls back on the passenger side of the car. Fred drives with one hand, "raps" the monster head. It rattles. When Fred speaks again, the monster mouth no longer opens and closes in sync. FRED (muffled, shouting) Ho, gweat! Hoo bwoke hit, Bahnee! Hi khnat twalk hennymore! Suddenly both men (pardon, man and xenosaurus) react to an approaching SIREN. They both look back at -- 228 FELSPAR'S PATROL CAR 228 Closing in. Gravel has produced a little sabre tooth CAT and is "cranking" its tail. As it WAILS away, the cops close in on our heroes. 229 BACK TO SCENE 229 FRED Ho noh! Ahhrisser Felghspah! (turning to Barney) Haybee whee hould shtop -- ? BARNEY What, and explain what you're doing in that costume? Start talking about coo-coo berries and Fibrerock? By then it'll be too late! FRED 'Hen yore height, yore height... Fred pours on more speed. They careen around a turn. CAMERA WHIP PANS TO a road sign: SLATE CITY--1 MI. 230 SLATE CITY - REAR GATE 230 A fence surrounds the empty housing development; in the distance, we can see the dark Slate Scrapers, and past them, the brightly-lit and gleaming Fibersphere and Slate Needle. We hear a SCREECH and then the CAMERA PANS BACK to pickup Fred's CAR as it whips around a turn, two wheels off the ground. It crashes right into the gate, knocking down a sign reading "SLATE CITY--DELIVERY GATE." The fence collapses all around the car. 103. 231 NEW ANGLE 231 Fred and Barney stagger out of the wreck. Barney, covered with debris, rummages around and sighs with relief when he finds the flit gun of coo-coo sap is still intact. BARNEY (hearing a siren) We'd better split up; that way at least one of us can make it to the Slate Needle -- ! FRED 'Ood hidea. Ood whuk, ol' bhudee. They slap hands together like basketball players, then head off in two directions. CUT TO: 232 INT. SLATE NEEDLE 232 CAMERA PANS the audience as the accordion recital con- tinues. Several people look visibly ill. Finally, CAMERA ADJUSTS to take in Poindexter's big finish as he slides forward on his knees. There's a scattering of half-hearted applause, led by Lava and the Slates. HEADMISTRESS Sank you, sank you. Our nex' performance is Bam-Bam, Pebbles... (checking notes) ... an' friend. She steps aside as a spotlight picks out -- 233 PEBBLES, BAM-BAM & DINO 233 poised in the stances we recognize as the "first positions" of the "Dino Dance." However, whereas the previous version of this was done impromptu and a cappella with only a few primitive props and straw hats alone, this time the kids and Dino are fully costumed, with sequins, batons and the like, and the dance is completely choreographed. KIDS You can keep the twist, the frug and hop -- 234 VARIOUS ANGLES 234 As the Dino dance begins, FULL ORCHESTRATION OVER IT. The audience seems to really like it -- all except -- 104. 235 MRS. SLATE 235 who glances over at the judges long enough to see that they like this a lot better than the accordion act. Suddenly Mrs. Slate jumps up, barges on stage. The MUSIC DIES. HEADMISTRESS Madame Slate, what ees wrong -- ? MRS. SLATE I'll tell you what's wrong! This 'act' is an absolute disgrace! This is supposed to be a talent show! And a pedestrian animal act like this belongs in a circus! 236 WILMA AND BETTY 236 React, furious, jump out of their seats. BETTY A circus, huh? Well, if our kids belong in a circus with their act, then your little nephew belongs in a zoo with his -- WILMA Yeah -- a zoo where the animals are dead -- because if they aren't, they will be! MRS. SLATE Why, how dare you! Mrs. Flintstein, I'll have you know that my little Poindexter has been trained by the finest tutors! Poindexter! Show them! Encore! The kid jumps up, begins to play. Immediately another GLASS SHATTERS. But then the CEILING FIXTURES CRACK, and then the PICTURE WINDOW PANELS begin to SHATTER one by one. MRS. SLATE (alarmed) Ah... Poindexter... that's enough ... Poindexter...? The kids stops... But another WINDOW PANEL EXPLODES. Then one of the tables collapses. Pause. Every head in the room swivels around and stares at Poindexter. Nervous, he tosses the accordion aside. But the destruction continues: Another WINDOW PANEL SHATTERS. Then, the entire building shakes. 105. 237 SLATE 237 Loses his balance, grabs onto Lava for support, ends up pulling him down, too. Slate gets to his knees and looks out the window... and his jaw drops in astonishment. 238 HIS POV - SLATE CITY 238 In the distance, with a CRACKLING ROAR, the little rows of Fibrerock tract houses are falling like dominoes in a wave that is rolling toward the Slate Needle. 239 SLATE CITY DEVELOPMENT - NIGHT 239 A flashlight beam rakes the CAMERA. Feldspar, shotgun in one hand, light in the other, looks around cautiously. (The shotgun has a slingshot mechanism; the flashlight is a mirror-backed candle.) Behind him, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. Feldspar tenses, but it's -- GRAVEL No sign of the driver... FELDSPAR You kidding? By now he's a couple of shinbones and a belch. Gravel drops down on one knee, excited. He shines his light on Fred's big "clawprints." GRAVEL Holy cowasaurus! Look how deep these tracks are! That xeno thing must weigh a ton! They aim their lights at the tracks, begin to follow them. Suddenly they round a corner and come face to face with -- 240 NEW ANGLE - FRED 240 He's stopped between two sample homes to wrestle with the monster head again. Now, he freezes in twin flash- light beams! FELDSPAR Okay, lizard, reach for the sky! Fred hesitates... then, hearing a CREAK and GROAN, he looks at the HOUSE beside him. The stucco-like exterior of Fibrerock is beginning to crumble. (CONTINUED) 106. 240 CONTINUED: 240 FRED Offisser Fledapar, het me hexpwain -- his howse hiss maid uv fibahwock -- He reaches out to tap the nearby wall and -- WHAM -- it collapses all around him, leaving a gaping hole in the house! FELDSPAR (frightened, backing away) Quivering quartzite, d-did you see that -- GRAVEL (following him) O-one flick of his paw... and he knocked down a wall -- ! FRED Nogh, wate, chum baggk -- As Fred "roars" and moves forward, Feldspar and Gravel scream, panic, and run! 241 FRED 241 Tries to catch up and collides with the already damaged house. It collapses totally, falling in on itself, obscuring Fred. Finally the last TIMBER DROPS. Pause. Fred staggers out of the rubble, realizes that the impact has knocked the monster mask off his head and back on its hinges. He rubs dust out of his eyes, turns and looks at the Slate Needle. He's much closer to it now. Quickly, he runs toward it. CUT TO: 242 INSIDE THE SLATE NEEDLE 242 Everyone is rocking back and forth with the escalating vibrations of the swaying building. The remaining table of refreshments slides across the room. 243 POINDEXTER LAVA 243 gets hit full force by a flying cake shaped like Slate City. He falls on top of his accordion, smashing it with one last dissonant squeeze. 107. 244 PARTYGOERS 244 They pause in their panic to applaud gratefully. CUT TO: 245 EXT. BASE OF FIBRESPHERE AND SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 245 The supporting pylons and cable anchors begin to slowly decompose. A FLIGHT of STAIRS CREAKS AND GROANS. Barney runs INTO the SHOT, sees the steps about to go, dives for them... too late! He ends up with a face full of Fibredust! Now, he whirls as Fred runs up, points -- FRED Barney! The elevator -- ! Barney runs toward it, hits the button. 246 OTHER SIDE OF WALL 246 REVEALING elevator mechanism. The button pokes a mouse which runs out of a box. Seeing the mouse, a nearby mastadon becomes frightened, begins running. A heavy cable tied to the mastadon runs over a pulley and into -- 247 THE ELEVATOR SHAFT 247 -- where the elevator rises out of the sub-level and INTO VIEW! Fred and Barny start towards it... when suddenly the Fibrerock elevator begins to crumble! FRED Quick! Use your coo-coo gun -- ! Barney aims, pulls back the plunger... too late! The elevator is gone. The cable swings back and forth loosely, "whapping" the shaft walls as it shoots upwards. Fred dives for the cable, misses! As he stumbles, Barney leaps on Fred's back, catches the cable! As Barney starts to whizz upwards, Fred garbs onto his ankles! 248 ABOVE - FIBRESPHERE 248 Propelled upwards, the would-be rescuers shoot OUT of the FRAME, disappear into the Fibresphere with a CRASH! CUT TO: 249 INT. BEDROCK POLICE STATION - NIGHT 249 The POLICE CHIEF looks skeptically at Feldspar and Gravel, who are exhausted, covered with dust, uniforms torn. (CONTINUED) 108. 249 CONTINUED: 249 CHIEF Feldspar, if you ask me, you've seen too many Rockzilla movies: In all the Xenosaurus sightings we've had reported, not one has had this kind of wholesale destruction -- FELDSPAR Chief, you -- you gotta believe me -- just one swipe of its paw and -- wham -- a whole house was pre-history -- ! Suddenly one of those police DISPATCH PARAKEETS comes flying excitedly through the window, lands on a perch in front of the Chief. DISPATCH PARAKEET Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Unconfirmed reports of destruction and collapse at Slate City. Rescue vehicles are on the way. The xenosaurus has been spotted in the area. That is all. That is all. FELDSPAR (excited) You see -- ? I told you -- CHIEF All right, Feldspar, I'm convinced! As of this moment you're completely in charge of operation... (dramatic) ... 'Xeno Dino'! Now, what do you need? CAMERA TIGHTENS ON Feldspar. This is the moment he's waited for all his life. FELDSPAR (firm-jawed) Artillery. CUT TO: 250 INT. FIBRESPHERE - NIGHT 250 Dust and little fragments of construction material are still tinkling down around our heroes. The elevator cable sways from its uppermost pulley. Slowly, something stirs in the pile of arms, legs and scaly limbs. (CONTINUED) 109. 250 CONTINUED: 250 First to sit up is Barney, who groans, rubs his head. Next, Fred sits up. Damn! The impact has knocked Fred's monster mask back on his head! Fred mutters angrily... Barney starts to help... and then they both notice that there's another monstrous head in the middle of their group! There're big "takes" all around, and then the xenosaurus leaps out of the tangle of bodies, treads air, and runs away! BARNEY (recovering) Fred, stop it! It might know the way inside! Fred "gets up to speed" and chases the xeno. Barney follows. 251 NEW ANGLE 251 Fred and Barney both leap on the mysterious xenosaurus -- all crash through a wall -- 252 INT. SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 252 The panicked partygoers turn as a section of wall collapses. Dust and debris billow upwards. The battered monster mask breaks loose from Fred's costume, bounces on the floor. Slowly, everyone gets up: Fred... Barney ... and two halves of the xenosaurus: The bottom half is Piltdown; the top-half is Pyrite. WILMA BETTY Fred? Barney? PEBBLES BAM-BAM Daddy! Pop! FRED BARNEY Piltdown? Pyrite? SLATE What the devil's going on here? FRED It's real simple, Mister Slate. Your boy Lava here has been stealing the coo-coo berries from the Fibrerock mix and fixing the books to hide it! LAVA That's ridiculous, Flintstone! Nobody could get that many coo-coo berries off our premises! (CONTINUED) 110. 252 CONTINUED: 252 Suddenly the bottom of Piltdown's canvas sack rips open. Thousands and thousands of coo-coo berries tumble out. 253 LAVA 253 Slaps his hands over his face. 254 THE SCENE 254 BETTY (dryly) These sure look like coo-coo berries to me -- LAVA (smoothly) They're convincing fakes, Mrs. Rubble -- part of our exciting display -- PYRITE Fakes? (to Piltdown) Gee, Pilty, I thought the real ones were gonna be moved up here for us ta steal -- whatta waste a time -- PILTDOWN Pyrite, shaddup -- FRED (snapping fingers) Now I remember! These guys were pulling this xenosaurus act that night at the plant! What's this, Lava... 'Plan B'? LAVA Uncle! Are you going to stand there while aspersions are being cast at the Slate family? This is absurd -- SLATE Of course it is! Why, without the coo-coo berry sap, Fibrerock would be completely -- (realizing) -- unstable... Suddenly the entire building shudders. Dust falls from the ceiling. Everyone looks at Lava. (CONTINUED) 111. 254 CONTINUED: 254 LAVA All right, all right, I admit it! I got in over my head in the stock market... took some big losses... I had these guys pull jobs for me all over town disguised as a monster... but it still wasn't enough... and when I saw all those coo-coo berries being delivered every day, I guess I just lost my head... I figured with the Woca sap in the Fibremix, the berry juice as superfluous... SLATE I'll tell you what's superfluous, Lava... your liver! So why don't we remove it -- ! He leaps, snarling, on top of Lava... Fred and Barney pull them apart. Then, more falling dust and beams give everyone more pressing problems -- CUT TO: 255 EXT. SLATE NEEDLE - NIGHT 255 Rescue VEHICLES and police CARS ROAR up, slam to a halt, CAT SIRENS WAILING. The rescue workers jump out. Firefighters carry circular trampolines of hide stitched to bamboo frames; others go to the back of their trucks and start to turn cranks on the hook and ladder trucks to raise the ladders. 256 CLOSE ON A HOOK AND LADDER TRUCK 256 It's actually a wheeled carriage carrying a firesaurus, which is a critter with a very tiny body and an incred- ibly long neck. The bony plates on the creature's back make perfect stairs. However, the creature is noticeably listless and uncooperative. FIRE CHIEF Come on, come on, what's the hold up -- ? FIREFIGHTER It's the kibble crisis, sir -- the firesauruses have been on half-rations for a month! Above them, the BUILDING SHUDDERS again. 112. 257 IN THE SLATE NEEDLE 257 Now, the remaining LIGHT FIXTURES CRASH down. When they hit the floor, the oil lamps inside spills and fire spreads. WILMA (pointing) Fred! There's a fire hose -- ! Indeed, it's on the back wall in a closed box marked FIRE HOSE--IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS. Fred and Barney take a step towards it, but the fire quickly spreads and cuts them off. Helpless, they step back. With a THUNDEROUS ROAR, the two SLATE SCRAPERS visible through what's left of the picture window COLLAPSE. Then the big statue of Slate just outside the window begins to decompose. It falls in on itself like a sand sculpture in a storm... finally, for a split second it is, well, life-sized, and then the head of the statue snaps loose, CRASHES through the only remaining pane of GLASS here ... rolls up to Slate's feet. Pause. Everyone looks at everyone else. This is it: Titanic time. Fred embraces Wilma... Barney embraces Betty. Their kids are pulled into the clinch. Even Slate takes Mrs. Slate's hand. Talk about grace under pressure... and speaking of -- 258 GRACE 258 -- the star fashion model, suddenly her Fibrethread costume decomposes, leaving her in her cute little animal print undies. 259 BETTY 259 In the middle of going down with the ship, she turns Bam-Bam's face away from this display. BAM-BAM D-dad, are we gonna be okay? BARNEY (pause; false smile) Sure, pal. We just gotta wait for the fire department. Right, Fred? FRED Y-yeah. Everything's gonna be just -- Whoa, hoo-hah, aggh -- (CONTINUED) 113. 259 CONTINUED: 259 He's started yelping because he's realized his arm is on fire, and now he jumps up and the others begin beating at the arm with anything in their hands, and then Fred suddenly pushes away from them, stands there with a small flame flickering on his forearm like a Rock Vegas stage magician. FRED -- Wait a minute -- I don't feel anything at all -- With his other "claw" he slaps tentatively at the flames, and then confidentially snuffs it out. BARNEY It must be the suit, Fred -- old Bedrock High built them things to last -- Fred looks over at the wall of flame separating the guests from the fire hose. As everyone gets the same idea, Dino rushes up, the costume head in his mouth. All brighten. Barney helps Fred with the head, twists it into place. BARNEY (rapping on the head) -- Okay? FRED Hist hust fine! He lowers his head, runs through the fire, which licks at him harmlessly. Then with his claw, he SMASHES the amber GLASS -- 260 IN THE BOX 260 A big PYTHONSAURUS is curled up inside, SNORING. (Note to herpetologists: The pythonosaurus is not quite a snake: it has little vestigial forepaws the better to emote with. Right now the snoring head is in those little paws.) The Pythonsaurus stirs, looks at Fred, "sniffs" the smoke. Then he raises one hand and finger as if to say "one moment." Then the pythonsaurus turns his head towards a nozzle like the ones in hamster cages, slurps loudly. We hear gallons and gallons of WATER GURGLING away... 114. 261 IN THE MAIN ROOM 261 Everyone retreats from the fire. Slate picks up the head of the statue, his only souvenir. 262 WITH FRED 262 Waiting impatiently until the pythonsaurus finally finishes drinking. It wipes its mouth daintily with a napkin, slaps a little fire helmet on its head, turns and runs back into the other room. (Behind him, yards and yards of pythonsaurus unroll from a hidden compart- ment behind the box.) Water shoots out of the creature's mouth. 263 WIDER 263 Fred turns in a semi-circle and puts out every lick of flame in the room. All the guests cheer, rush forward and slap Fred on the back. Pebbles jumps up on him and kisses him. FRED Hit fuzz nudding... wheely... The pythonsaurus looks around at the attention. PYTHONSAURUS Hey, what am I, chopped liver? BARNEY Come on, everybody -- we'll go out the way we came! Barney squirts a pathway with his flit gun, solidifying a route in the crumbling Fibrerock. Then Barney and Fred stand back nobly, wave everyone on into the adjacent Fibresphere. POINDEXTER (pushing and shoving) Outta the way -- outta the way -- women and children first -- ! I mean, ah, children and women first, yeah, yeah, provided that uh, there's room for the women... Meanwhile, the pythonsaurus gives Fred (or rather his costume) a big look up and down, looks TOWARD the CAMERA. PYTHONSAURUS Hey, not bad. Wonder if she lives around here. Just then Fred tilts back the monster head. The pythonsaurus reacts. (CONTINUED) 115. 263 CONTINUED: 263 PYTHONSAURUS Heartbreaker! Depressed, the pythonsaurus follows the others. Fred and Barney cross over into the Fibresphere. As the do, Slate Needle completely collapses. 264 EXT. FIBRESPHERE - LONG SHOT 264 The Slate Needle tumbles down, taking a big chunk of the Fibresphere with it! But the rest of the huge globe stays put... for now. 265 RESCUE WORKERS BELOW 265 gasp, cry out -- 266 UP ABOVE 266 Already the first partygoers are sliding down the elevator cable. HEADMISTRESS (panicking) Oh, geez, we're all gonna croak -- I neva shoulda left Far Rockaway -- Wilma gives her a big suspicious look -- blanching, the Headmistress slides down the cable -- 267 BELOW 267 The rescue teams catch the people in nets as they hit the ground. 268 ABOVE 268 Barney gives the dwindling circle of solid Fibre around the group another shot of coo-coo juice. Poindexter Lava pushes his way forward. POINDEXTER (to anyone and everyone) Fifty clams for a piggy-back ride ... a hundred clams! MRS. SLATE (aghast) Do you see that, Jerry? Do you see how my great-nephew is behaving at this moment of crisis? (CONTINUED) 116. 268 CONTINUED: 268 LAVA (proudly) Yeah. Real chip off the old block, ain't he? Embarrassed, Mrs. Slate grabs the kid by the neck, practically throws him at the cable. She follows him down, followed by Lava and Mr. Slate. 269 REAR OF FLEEING PEOPLE 269 Fred and Barney have bravely held up the rear, their families clutching to them. Barney's carrying Bam-Bam. FRED (to Pebbles) Upsy-daisy, sweetheart -- piggy back time! She jumps on his back... slamming the monster head back in place. FRED (resigned) Hohh... GWEAT! BARNEY (to Betty) Go on, honey... I got Bam-Bam! BETTY Barney... tonight you're the biggest man in Bedrock. She kisses him, slides down. 270 CLOSE ON WILMA AND FRED 270 Backlit romantically by the flames, just like Gable and Leigh when Atlanta burned. FRED (through the mask) Wilmagh, I jusght whunt to sagh thad I knogh shumtimes I dogh dumb thinks... Bhut hit's becaughse high luff yough sogh much thaght high whant yough to livgh likge a pwincess orgh a qween 'cause you reaally arggh rugg aaggg hummmmg higga! (CONTINUED) 117. 270 CONTINUED: 270 WILMA Oh, Fred -- that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard! They kiss... she drops to safety...! 271 BELOW 271 Wilma slides into a rescue net, gets on unsteady feet next to Betty. 272 BACK UPSTAIRS 272 FRED Lhet's dogh it! Their kids on their backs, Fred and Barney exchange a heroic forearm-to-forearm gladiator-type handshake... both put their hands on the cable... and then the whole pulley mechanism falls right down between them and through the hole! A second later, the entire remaining structure collapses! 273 BELOW 273 Everyone reacts in horror -- 274 ABOVE 274 Dust and smoke clear. When we can see again, well, it's not a pretty sight. The entire fibresphere is gone. All that's left, teetering on two spindly supports, are two tiny islands of safety connected by a twisted maze of rubble too small for a human to negotiate... and all that's holding that up is a long guide wire leading to the ground! 275 CLOSER 275 Figures on one of the islands stir: Fred. Barney. Bam-Bam... Pebbles! The platform shudders again. Barney aims the flit gun -- empty! The dads hold on to the kids. It's all they can do. 276 BELOW 276 Wilma and Betty gasp... what can be done? 277 THE SECOND ISLAND 277 Bricks and chunks of Fibre stir... a form sits up... it's -- Dino! He looks around at the situation, becomes agitated... he wants to help... but how? 118. 278 WILMA AND BETTY 278 Suddenly become inspired. BETTY W-wilma... those hoops of bamboo... those wires... do you think -- ? WILMA Yes! Yes! Betty, we have to try it -- ! Dino! Dino, look down here -- ! 279 DINO 279 Obeys, puzzled -- 280 HIS POV - WILMA AND BETTY 280 Amazingly, they grab scraps of wood, borrow fire fighter's helmets, and begin to do a buck and wing. WILMA AND BETTY You can keep the twist, the frug and hop I don't need to shimmy, I don't need to bop -- 281 BIG CAMERA PUSH - DINO 281 MUSIC COMES UP DRAMATICALLY as he catches on! His eyes fill with courage and he charges toward the spindly bridge that leads to his master and friends. 282 ANOTHER ANGLE 282 Dino dives through the hoops of bamboo, duplicating his steps in "The Dino Dance." He reaches the other island! Without a beat, still keeping time, he puts the two kids on his shoulders, just like in the dance! Then he "presents" his tail to Fred -- Fred hands his tail to Barney -- and then -- 283 LONG SHOT 283 -- Dino slides down the long wire, carrying everyone to safety! They all plow into the biggest rescue net as Wilma and Betty wind up! WILMA AND BETTY Yes, I don't need to shimmy, I don't need to bop 'Cause I'm doin', doin', doin' THE IGNEOUS ROCK! 119. 284 FRED 284 rolls out of the net and away from the others. He's slightly stunned, still in the suit. He sits up... suddenly lights snap on all around him! Fred looks up and sees -- 285 HIS POV - CORDON OF POLICE OFFICERS 285 All with weapons aimed right at him. Spotlights on the police car roofs (actually little fires with parabolic mirrors) are operated by uniformed monkeys. Feldspar is at the head of the group. He cocks his shotgun. The elastic catapults at the hammers twitch menacingly -- FELDSPAR It's the xenosaurus -- stand back, men -- it's a vicious killer -- Ready -- Aim -- FRED (with desperate poignancy) High ham noght a zenosore! High ham hay hooman beeng -- ! BAM! WHAM! KABAM! Bullets and projectiles begin slamming all around Fred! He ducks behind a big fallen chunk of Fibrerock -- catches his breath as the bullets and shells bounce off its resilient surface. 286 CLOSE - FRED 286 Momentarily safe, he tries desperately to remove that stupid head -- bangs it against the wall, tears at it with his claws -- -- meanwhile, the chunk of Fibrerock protecting him decomposes! He's back in the line of fire! 287 DINO 287 Flanked by Wilma, Barney and the kids, who are shouting for the police to stop, only Dino the wonder bronto has the wits to act! "YI-YI-YI-ING," he races forward, CAMERA FOLLOWING -- and with lightning reflexes grabs the seat of Fred's monster suit and -- de-pants him! Instantly, Dino whirls Fred around, points to the now revealed striped undershorts. 288 WIDER 288 Pause. (CONTINUED) 120. 288 CONTINUED: 288 Then Officer Gravel takes a good look at that rear end. GRAVEL Hey, those are the biggest shorts I've ever seen... (realizing) ... It... it must be Mister Flintstone! Cease fire! (to Feldspar) Gee, Sarge, now you don't have to shoot him -- ! Now Fred confirms Gravel's hunch as the costume head finally pops off. All the cops lower their guns. (Strangely, though, Feldspar still continues to raise his gun -- even aims! Then an alarmed Gravel wrestles it away from his superior.) 289 THE FLINTSTONES AND RUBBLES - DAWN 289 Safe, they all emotionally embrace. Fred even suffers Dino's affection. (In the b.g., a police car holding Piltdown, Pyrite and Lava drives past. Poindexter Lava is chasing the car.) POINDEXTER (distant) Dad! Dad! Can I use the Porscherock while you're in the slammer? Suddenly the Slates push their way into the group hug. SLATE Flintstone. Rubble. I... I don't know what to say. I... I treated you horribly... I ignored you, abused you... and then you come here and risk your necks like this... well, there's no price you can put on something like that, so I won't even try. But let me give you... (with great poignancy) ... a hearty handshake. MRS. SLATE Dear, don't you think a little more than that is in order? SLATE Honey, you're being hysterical, go lie down, okay? (CONTINUED) 121. 289 CONTINUED: 289 MRS. SLATE I am not being hysterical, I am being fair -- now the Flintsteins and Rabbles saved all of our lives, not to mention your reputation. SLATE (sighing) Okay, okay. (to Fred and Barney) Boys, I'm feeling guilty about how you've been taken advantage of, so I'll tell you what... I'm going to give you back all world-wide rights to Fibrerock, free and clear. He picks up a fragment of stone, begins writing on it. SLATE Your only obligation will be to cover oh, whatever legal expenses might surface at some later time... BARNEY You think there's gonna be some? Slate looks around at -- 290 HIS POV - THE RUINS AND DESTRUCTION 290 Smoking desolation as far as the eye and CAMERA can see. As we watch the last remaining fragment of Slate City collapse, crushing a police car. 291 BACK TO SCENE 291 SLATE (casually) Oh, you never know... 292 RESCUE DINOS 292 Several sniff at the air, look curiously at a nearby pile of crumbled Fibrerock. One and then another shuffles over, tentatively tastes some... grins... and digs in! Seeing this, the "firesauruses" crane out their necks, also begin chowing down on the pile of Fibrerock crumbs. 293 FRED, BARNEY, SLATE AND OTHERS 293 All turn at the growing sound of the ANIMALS PIGGING OUT. (CONTINUED) 122. 293 CONTINUED: 293 Now DINO "YI-YI-YI'S" past this group and leaps into the pile, munching like crazy. Barney puts out his hand as chunks of Fibrerock shower down like rain from the feeding frenzy. Catching some pieces, he nibbles on it a little. FRED Barn...? What's going on? BARNEY (sniffing it) Lava Lava leaves... Woca sap... all still there, but now the nutrients are all released... (realizing) ... Fred, this... this is Dino kibble! FRED Dino kibble...? Disbelieving, Fred moves over to the happily-munching animals. He has to get on his knees to wiggle in with the pack. He grabs some, stuffs it in his mouth... chews. His eyes widen... FRED (mouth full) Dhinough khibble!! He spits it out, takes out the chunk of contract Slate wrote on. FRED Barney, we -- we're rich! Yabba dabba do -- ! 294 SLATE 294 Faints dead away! The CAMERA PULLS BACK... BACK... BACK -- 295 EXT. DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT 295 We're back where we began. As "The End" appears on the drive-in screen, cars are streaming out of the drive-in theatre. The Flintstone car is among them. 296 EXT. DRIVE-IN RESTAURANT - NIGHT 296 Fred and company roll into a '50's-style drive-in restaurant. A sign advertises BRONTO BURGERS AND RIBS. (CONTINUED) 123. 296 CONTINUED: 296 A pretty carhop on stone roller skates glides over. Fred holds up one finger towards her. She nods, scampers O.S. Fred rubs his hands and licks his lips with antici- pation... and then the girl returns with a massive rack of ribs on a car tray. She hooks it on the edge of the driver's door... and the entire car tips over with a crash. CUT TO: 297 EXT. FLINTSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT 297 WIDEN FROM the mailbox. Fred and family pull up. Dino runs in first, followed by Wilma with Pebbles already asleep on her shoulder. Fred follows, the saber-tooth cat on his heels. Fred stops in the doorway to put a milk bottle on the doorstep, and then puts the cat down beside it. He shuts the door. Quick as a flash, the cat leaps through the side window. Pause. The door opens and the cat puts Fred out, then slams the door! Fred recovers from his shock, tries the door... it's locked! MUSIC (V.O.) We'll have a yabba dabba-do time A dabba-do time We'll have a gay old time! FRED (knocking) Wilma...? (another knock) ... Wilma? CAMERA CRANES UP, WIDENS as Fred becomes a tiny sil- houette banging on the door. FRED Wilma? Wil-ma --! FADE OUT. THE END THIS SCRIPT WAS PREPARED BY WARNER BROS. INC. SCRIPT PROCESSING DEPARTMENT (818) 954-4632

"FORREST GUMP" -- by Eric Roth "FORREST GUMP" Screenplay by Eric Roth Based on a novel by Winston Groom EXT. A SAVANNAH STREET - DAY (1981) A feather floats through the air. The falling feather. A city, Savannah, is revealed in the background. The feather floats down toward the city below. The feather drops down toward the street below, as people walk past and cars drive by, and nearly lands on a man's shoulder. He walks across the street, causing the feather to be whisked back on its journey. The feather floats above a stopped car. The car drives off right as the feather floats down toward the street. The feather floats under a passing car, then is sent flying back up in the air. A MAN sits on a bus bench. The feather floats above the ground and finally lands on the man's mudsoaked shoe. The man reached down and picks up the feather. His name is FORREST GUMP. He looks at the feather oddly, moves aside a box of chocolates from an old suitcase, then opens the case. Inside the old suitcase are an assortment of clothes, a pingpong paddle, toothpaste and other personal items. Forrest pulls out a book titled "Curious George," then places the feather inside the book. Forrest closes the suitcase. Something in his eyes reveals that Forrest may not be all there. Forrest looks right as the sound of an arriving bus is heard. A bus pulls up. Forrest remains on the bus bench as the bus continues on. A BLACK WOMAN in a nurse's outfit steps up and sits down at the bus bench next to Forrest. The nurse begins to read a magazine as Forrest looks at her. FORREST Hello. My name's Forrest Gump. He opens a box of chocolates and holds it out for the nurse. FORREST You want a chocolate? The nurse shakes her head, a bit apprehensive about this strange man next to her. FORREST I could eat about a million and a half of these. My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Forrest eats a chocolate as he looks down at the nurse's shoes. FORREST Those must be comfortable shoes. I'll bet you could walk all day in shoes like that and not feel a thing. I wish I had shoes like that. BLACK WOMAN My feet hurt. FORREST Momma always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. Where they're going. Where they've been. The black woman stares at Forrest as he looks down at his own shoes. FORREST I've worn lots of shoes. I bet if I think about it real hard I could remember my first pair of shoes. Forrest closes his eyes tightly. FORREST Momma said they'd take my anywhere. INT. COUNTRY DOCTOR'S OFFICE - GREENBOW, ALABAMA - DAY (1951) A little boy closes his eyes tightly. It is young Forrest as he sits in a doctor's office. FORREST (V.O.) She said they was my magic shoes. Forrest has been fitted with orthopedic shoes and metal leg braces. DOCTOR All right, Forrest, you can open your eyes now. Let's take a little walk around. The doctor sets Forrest down on its feet. Forrest walks around stiffly. Forrest's mother, MRS. GUMP, watches him as he clanks around the room awkwardly. DOCTOR How do those feel? His legs are strong, Mrs. Gump. As strong as I've ever seen. But his back is as crooked as a politician. Forrest walks foreground past the doctor and Mrs. Gump. DOCTOR But we're gonna straighten him right up now, won't we, Forrest? A loud thud is heard as, outside, Forrest falls. MRS. GUMP Forrest! EXT. GREENBOW, ALABAMA Mrs. Gump and young Forrest walk across the street. Forrest walks stiffly next to his mother. FORREST (V.O.) Now, when I was a baby, Momma named me after the great Civil War hero, General Nathan Bedford Forrest... EXT. RURAL ALABAMA A black and white photo of General Nathan Bedford Forrest. The photo turns into live action as the General dons a hooded sheet over his head. The General is in full Ku Klux Klan garb, including his horse. The General rides off, followed by a large group of Klan members dressed in full uniform. FORREST (V.O.) She said we was related to him in some way. And, what he did was, he started up this club called the Ku Klux Klan. They'd all dress up in their robes and their bedsheets and act like a bunch of ghosts or spooks or something. They'd even put bedsheets on their horses and ride around. And anyway, that's how I got my name. Forrest Gump. EXT. GREENBOW Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk across the street. FORREST (V.O.) Momma said that the Forrest part was to remind me that sometimes we all do things that, well, just don't make no sense. Forrest stops suddenly as his brace gets stuck. Forrest's brace is caught in a gutter grate. Mrs. Gump bends down and tries to free Forrest. Two old cronies sit in front of a barber shop and watch. MRS. GUMP Just wait, let me get it. Mrs. Gump struggles to pull the stuck brace from the grate. MRS. GUMP Let me get it. Wait, get it this way. Hold on. Forrest pulls his foot out of the grate. MRS. GUMP All right. Mrs. Gump helps Forrest up onto the sidewalk. She looks up and notices the two old man. MRS. GUMP Oooh. All right. What are you all staring at? Haven't you ever seen a little boy with braces on his legs before? Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along the sidewalk past the two old men. Mrs. Gump holds tightly onto Forrest's hand. MRS. GUMP Don't ever let anybody tell you they're better than you, Forrest. If God intended everybody to be the same, he'd have given us all braces on our legs. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. EXT. OAK ALLEY/THE GUMP BOARDING HOUSE Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along a dirt road. A row of mailboxes stands left. FORREST (V.O.) We lived about a quarter mile of Route 17, about a half mile from the town of Greenbow, Alabama. That's in the county of Greenbow. Our house had been in Momma's family since her grandpa's grandpa's grandpa had come across the ocean about a thousand years ago. Something like that. Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along the Gump Boarding House driveway. FORREST (V.O.) Since it was just me and Momma and we had all these empty rooms, Momma decided to let those rooms out. Mostly to people passing through. Like from, oh, Mobile, Montgomery, place like that. That's how me and Mommy got money. Mommy was a real smart lady. MRS. GUMP Remember what I told you, Forrest. You're no different than anybody else is. Mrs. Gump heads Forrest to the porch. She bends down to look Forrest in the eye. MRS. GUMP Did you hear what I said, Forrest? You're the same as everybody else. You are no different. INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL / PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY PRINCIPAL Your boy's... different, Mrs. Gump. Now, his I.Q. is seventy-five. MRS. GUMP Well, we're all different, Mr. Hancock. The principal sighs, then stands up. INT. HALLWAY Forrest sits outside the principal's office and waits. FORREST (V.O.) She wanted me to have the finest education, so she took me to the Greenbow County Central School. I met the principal and all. The principal stands in front of Mrs. Gump. Forrest, sitting left, listens. PRINCIPAL I want to show you something, Mrs. Gump. Now, this is normal. The principal holds up a chart with a designations according to I.Q. and points to the center of the graph, labeled "Normal." A red line below the normal area is labeled "State Acceptance." The principal points to the section below the acceptance line labeled "Below." PRINCIPAL Forrest is right here. The state requires a minimum I.Q. of eighty to attend public school, Mrs. Gump. He's gonna have to go to a special school. Now, he'll be just fine. MRS. GUMP What does normal mean, anyway? He might be a bit on the slow side, but my boy Forrest is going to get the same opportunities as everyone else. He's not going to some special school to learn to how to re-tread tires. We're talking about five little points here. There must be something can be done. INT. HALLWAY Forrest sits outside the principal's office. PRINCIPAL We're a progressive school system. We don't want to see anybody left behind. INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE PRINCIPAL Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump? MRS. GUMP He's on vacation. EXT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest sits on a swing outside the house. Loud organic male grunts are heard coming from inside the house. Forrest sits on the swing as the grunts continue. The principal steps out of the Gump House and wipes the sweat from his face. Forrest is sitting on the porch. PRINCIPAL Well, your momma sure does care about your schooling, son. Mm-mm-mm. The principal wipes the sweat from his neck, then looks back at Forrest. PRINCIPAL You don't say much, do you? Forrest grunts, imitating him. The principal, embarrassed, turns and walks away. INT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE/FORREST'S BEDROOM Mrs. Gump reads from the book "Curious George" as Forrest sits on the bed and listens. MRS. GUMP Finally, he had to try it. It looked easy, but, oh, what happened. First there... FORREST Momma, what's vacation mean? MRS. GUMP Vacation? FORREST Where Daddy went? MRS. GUMP Vacation's when you go somewhere, and you don't ever come back. Forrest lies down on his bed and looks up. FORREST (V.O.) Anyway, I guess you could say me and Momma was on our own. EXT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE - DAY A cab driver closes the trunk of the car as two women walk toward the house. A milkman steps down from the porch. FORREST (V.O.) But we didn't mind. Our house was never empty. There was always folks comin' and goin'. MRS. GUMP (V.O.) Suppa. INT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE Mrs. Gump steps forward and speaks to all the boarders. MRS. GUMP It's suppa, everyone. Forrest... A MAN WITH A CANE steps left across the hall. MAN WITH CANE My, my. That sure looks special. Mrs. Gump looks into a sitting room and informs the boarders about dinner. MRS. GUMP Gentlemen, would you care to join us for supper? Hurry up and get it before the flies do. I prefer you don't smoke that cigar so close to mealtime. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes we had so many people stayin' with us that every room was filled with travelers. You know, folks livin' out of their suitcases, and hat cases, and sample cases. MRS. GUMP Well, you go ahead and start. I can't find Forrest. Mrs. Gump walks up the stairs. MRS. GUMP Forrest... Forrest... FORREST (V.O.) One time a young man was staying with us, and he had him a guitar case. Mrs. Gump looks into Forrest's room. She hears singing coming from another room and walks over to a closed door. Mrs. Gump opens the door, revealing a young man with long sideburns as he plays the guitar and sings. Forrest holds onto a broom and dances oddly. The young man is ELVIS PRESLEY. ELVIS PRESLEY (sings) "Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit, and you ain't no friend of mine." Forrest's legs rock back and forth to the guitar. MRS. GUMP Forrest! I told you not to bother this nice young man. ELVIS Oh, no, that's all right, ma'am. I was just showin' him a thing or two on the guitar here. MRS. GUMP All right, but your supper's ready if y'all want to eat. ELVIS Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you, ma'am. Mrs. Gump leaves and closes the door. Elvis sits back down. Forrest stands left, and looks himself in a mirror. ELVIS Say, man, show me that crazy little walk you just did there. Slow it down some. Forrest begins to dance again as Elvis plays the guitar and sings. ELVIS (sings) "You ain't nothin' but a hound, hound dog..." FORREST (V.O.) I liked that guitar. Forrest dances as he watches himself in the mirror. FORREST (V.O.) It sounded good. ELVIS (sings) "...cryin' all the time" Forrest rocks up and down on his braced legs, then begins to step. ELVIS (sings) "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog..." FORREST (V.O.) I started moving around to the music, swinging my hips. This one night me and Momma... EXT. GREENBOW - NIGHT Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along a sidewalk. A television inside a store window reveals Elvis Presley as he performs "Houng Dog" on a stage. FORREST (V.O.) ...was out shoppin', and we walked right by Benson's Furniture and Appliance store, and guess what. The television reveals Elvis as he thrusts his hips and sings. ELVIS (sings) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... Mrs. Gump and Forrest watch the television. Elvis dances around in the same manner Forrest did. A woman in the audience screaming and applauding. ELVIS (sings) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... MRS. GUMP This is not children's eyes. Mrs. Gump walks away, pulling Forrest with her. Forrest stops and takes one last look. Elvis continues to perform over the television. ELVIS (sings) "Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine." FORREST (V.O.) Some years later, that handsome young man who they called "The King," well, he sung too many songs, had himself a heart attack or something. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY Forrest is still sitting on the bus bench. The black nurse looks at him. FORREST Must be hard being a king. You know, it's funny how you remember some things, but some things you can't. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD/ALABAMA - MORNING (1954) Mrs. Gump and Forrest wait for the school bus. The bus pulls up as Mrs. Gump prepares Forrest for his first day of school. MRS. GUMP You do your very best now, Forrest. FORREST I sure will, Momma. FORREST (V.O.) I remember the bus ride on the first day of school very well. The bus driver opens the door and looks down. Forrest walks to the steps of the bus and looks at the bus driver. She is smoking a cigarette. BUS DRIVER Are you comin' along? FORREST Momma said not to be taking rides from strangers. BUS DRIVER This is the bus to school. FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. BUS DRIVER I'm Dorothy Harris. FORREST Well, now we ain't strangers anymore. The bus driver smiles as Forrest steps up into the bus. INT. BUS Forrest steps up onto the bus. Mrs. Gump waves to Forrest as the bus drives away. Forrest begins to walk down the aisle. TWO YOUNG BOYS look up from the seat. BOY #1 This seat's taken. BOY #2 It's taken! Forrest looks around. A larger girl slides over so Forrest can't sit next to her. She shakes her head. Forrest looks to the other side where a boy sits alone on a larger seat. They boy glares up at Forrest. BOY #3 You can't sit here. FORREST (V.O.) You know, it's funny what a young man recollects. 'Cause I don't remember being born. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY Forrest continues talking as he sits on the bus bench. FORREST (V.O.) I, I... don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic. But, I do remember the first time I heard the sweetiest voice... INT. BUS - MORNING (1954) Young Forrest is still standing in the aisle on the bus. FORREST (V.O.) ...in the wide world. GIRL You can sit here if you want. Forrest looks back at JENNY CURRAN, a young girl about Forrest's age. FORREST (V.O.) I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life. She was like an angel. JENNY Well, are you gonna sit down, or aren't ya? Forrest sits down next to Jenny. JENNY What's wrong with your legs? FORREST Um, nothing at all, thank you. My legs are just fine and dandy. FORREST (V.O.) I just sat next to her on that bus and had conversation all the way to school. JENNY Then why do you have those shoes on? FORREST My momma said my back's crooked like a question mark. These are going to make me as straight as an arrow. They're my magic shoes. FORREST (V.O.) And next to Momma, no one ever talked to me or asked me questions. JENNY Are you stupid or something. FORREST Mommy says stupid is as stupid does. Jenny puts her hand out toward Forrest. Forrest reaches over and shakes her hand. JENNY I'm Jenny. FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) From that day on, we was always together. Jenny and me was like peas and carrots. EXT. OAK TREE - DAY Young Jenny and Forrest run toward a large oak tree. FORREST (V.O.) She taught me how to climb... Jenny sits on a large branch and calls down to Forrest. JENNY Come on, Forrest, you can do it. Forrest dangles from the branch. FORREST (V.O.) ...I showed her how to dangle. Jenny and Forrest sit on a tree branch and read. FORREST "...a good little monkey and..." FORREST (V.O.) She helped me to learn how to read. Forrest hangs upside down from a branch and swings back and forth. Forrest's braces are wedged in the tree. FORREST (V.O.) And I showed her to swing. EXT. OAK TREE - NIGHT The silhouete of the oak tree, Jenny and Forrest as they sit on a branch. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes we'd just sit out and wait for the stars. FORREST Momma's gonna worry about me. Jenny puts her hand on Forrest's hand. JENNY Just stay a little longer. FORREST (V.O.) For some reason, Jenny didn't never want to go home. FORREST Okay, Jenny. I'll stay. FORREST (V.O.) She was my most special friend. INT. SAVANNAH/BUS STOP - DAY Forrest nods as he remembers. FORREST My only friend. Forrest continues talking to the black woman. She doesn't seem to be listening as she reads her magazine. She looks up from her magazine. FORREST Now, my Momma always told me that miracles happen every day. Some people don't think so, but they do. EXT. OAK ALLEY - ANOTHER DAY (1954) Jenny and Forrest walk. A dirt clod hits Forrest in the back of the head. Jenny looks as Forrest rubs his head. THREE YOUNG BOYS get off their bikes and pick up more rocks. BOY #1 Hey... dummy! Forrest is hit in the eye with another dirt clod. Forrest falls backward onto the ground as the boys glare at him. BOY #2 Are you retarded, or just plain stupid? BOY #3 Look, I'm Forrest Gump. Jenny helps Forrest back up. Boy #1 and Boy #2 throw more dirt clods at Forrest. JENNY Just run away, Forrest. Another dirt clod hits Forrest in the arm. JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest tries to run along the road, but his braces makes it impossible. He hobbles along as Jenny yells after him. JENNY Run away! Hurry! Boy #1 and Boy #2 turn back toward the bikes. BOY #2 Get the bikes! BOY #3 Hurry up! The boys pick up their bikes and ride after Forrest. BOY #3 Let's get him! Come on! BOY #2 Look out, dummy, here we come! The boys ride after Forrest. Jenny stands and watches. BOY #2 We're gonna get you! JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! Forrest hobbles along the dirt road. JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest looks over his shoulder. The three boys race on their bikes. BOY #1 Come back here, you! Forrest begins to run faster with his braces on. Forrest continues running as the boys chase him. Blood drips down from a cut on his head. The boys on the bikes are gaining on Forrest. Forrest hobbles along. He begins to gain speed. JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! SLOW MOTION -- Forrest runs from the chasing room. He looks over his shoulder in fear. The boys on the bikes peddle faster as they gain on Forrest, running. Forrest tries to run even faster to get away. Suddenly his braces shatter, sending steel and plastic flying into the air. Forrest runs and look down at his legs in surprise. Forrest continues to run faster as the metal braces and straps fly off his legs. Forrest runs free of his braces and begins to pick up speed. The chasing boys ride over the remains of Forrest's braces. FORREST (V.O.) Now, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. EXT. SAVANNAH/ BUS BENCH - DAY FORREST But I can run like the wind blows. The black woman continues to read her magazine. Forrest smiles as he remembers. FORREST From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was running! EXT. OAK ALLEY - DAY (1954) Forrest sprints away from the boys. The boys stop the chase and watch in disbelief. Forrest is already at the far end of the road, clear of the chasing boys. BOY #2 He's gettin' away! Stop him! Boy #1 throws his bike down in frustration. Forrest runs across a field. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD Forrest runs past a chain gang in their prison uniforms. They are cutting at the weeds on the side of the road. EXT. GREENBOW Forrest runs across the street. THE TWO OLD MEN sit in front of the barber shop. OLD CRONY That boy sure is a running fool. EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE Forrest runs down a driveway toward Jenny's small house. FORREST (V.O.) Now remember how I told you that Jenny never seemed to want to go home? Well, she lived in a house that was as old as Alabama. Her Momma had gone up to heaven when she was five and her daddy was some kind of a farmer. Forrest knocks on Jenny's door. FORREST Jenny? Jenny? Forrest look around the field at the left. He notices Jenny and runs toward her. FORREST (V.O.) He was a very lovin' man. He was always kissing and touchin' her and her sisters. And then this one time, Jenny wasn't on the bus to go to school. Forrest runs to Jenny. FORREST Jenny, why didn't you come to school today? JENNY Hsh! Daddy's takin' a nap. Jenny grabs Forrest's hand and runs into the field. Jenny's DAD drunk, steps out onto the porch and shouts. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! JENNY Come on! JENNY'S DAD Jenny, where'd you run to? You'd better come back here, girl! Jenny's dad steps out toward the field. Jenny leads Forrest into the thick tobacco field. Jenny's dad runs through the field searching for Jenny with a liquor bottle in his hand. JENNY'S DAD Where you at? Jenny and Forrest run into a corn field as Jenny's dad tries to chase her. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! Jenny! Where you at? Jenny! Jenny drops to her knees and pulls Forrest down with her. JENNY Pray with me, Forrest. Pray with me. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! JENNY Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always said that God is mysterious. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! Get back here! FORREST (V.O.) He didn't turn Jenny into a bird that day. Instead... EXT. TRAILER PARK/ALABAMA - DAY (1955) A police officer escorts Jenny to her grandmother's trailer. Jenny's grandmother meets Jenny outside and leads her toward the trailer. FORREST (V.O.) ...he had the police say Jenny didn't have to stay in that house no more. She went to live with her grandma just over on Creekmore Avenue, which made me happy 'cause she was so close. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT (1955) Jenny climbs over a second-floor railing and enters the house. FORREST (V.O.) Some nights, Jenny'd sneak out and come over to my house, just 'cause she said she was scared. Scared of what, I don't know... INT. GUMP HOUSE/FORREST'S BEDROOM Jenny lies in bed next to young Forrest. She hugs him. FORREST (V.O.) ...but I think it was her grandma's dog. He was a mean dog. Anyway, Jenny and me was best friends... EXT. GREENBOW/OAK ALLEY - DAY (1961) Forrest and Jenny are teenagers now. They walk along an oaklined road. FORREST (V.O.) ...all the way to high school. Suddenly Forrest is hit in the back with a rock. Forrest and Jenny turn around. OLDER BOY #1 Hey, stupid! JENNY Quit it! A teenage boy throws another rock as a pickup truck pulls up behind him. Jenny turns and looks at Forrest. JENNY Run, Forrest, run! OLDER BOY #1 Hey. Did you hear me, stupid? JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest drops his books and runs down the road. The teenage boy jumps into the back of the pickup truck with another boy as the truck speeds after Forrest. Jenny steps left and gets out of the way. OLDER BOY #2 Come on, he's getting away! Move it! JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! OLDER BOY #1 You better be runnin', stupid. Forrest runs along the road. The truck speeds after him. OLDER BOY #2 Come on, dummy! OLDER BOY #1 Haul ass, dummy! Older Boy throws rocks at Forrest. OLDER BOY #1 Yeah, you better be runnin'! INT. TRUCK BOY Ya-hoo! EXT. OAK ALLEY The boys in the back of the truck throw rocks at Forrest as they drive up to him. OLDER BOY #1 Move it, jack rabbit! The truck follows right on Forrest's heels. A rebel flag license plate adorns the truck's grill. OLDER BOY #1 Come on! Forrest runs along the road as the truck chases him. The boys in the back of the truck pound on the roof as the truck turns right, after Forrest. The truck drives into a field. Forrest runs toward a fence. BOY Run! Faster! Yeah! Go! Go! Come on, Forrest! Yeah! JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest leaps over a five-foot fence as the boys try to catch him. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest looks left as he continues telling his life story. FORREST Now, it used to be, I ran to get where I was goin'. I never thought it would take me anywhere. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL/ROAD - DAY (1961) Forrest runs along the road in front of the high school. The truck continues to chase him as the boys pound on the roof. OLDER BOY Come on. Whoo-hoo! The truck speeds past Forrest as he turns from the road and runs onto the high school football field. Forrest runs across the field during a football scrimmage. In the stands watching the scrimmage is the legendary University of Alabama football coach BEAR BRYANT, wearing his trademark plaid hat. A group of assistant coaches sit around him, as well as the high school football coach. The quarterback throws the ball into the air. Forrest runs past the quarterback. The receiver catches the ball. Forrest runs past the receiver as an opposing player tackles the stunned receiver. The football coach stands, followed by the assistant coaches. FOOTBALL COACH Who in the hell is that? HIGH SCHOOL COACH That there is Forrest Gump. Coach. Just a local idiot. Forrest runs under the field goal post and through the end zone. FORREST (V.O.) And can you believe it? I got to go to college, too. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA STADIUM - DAY (1962) The crowd roars with excitement as a football is kicked off. The football players run around on the field. The crowd of cheering fans create a huge sign that reads: "GO." Forrest is in a University of Alabama football uniform. He looks up into the cheering crowd as his teammate fields the kickoff. The teammate runs over to Forrest and hands him the ball. FOOTBALL COACH Okay! Run! The football coach, the assistants, and Alabama players cheer for Forrest. FOOTBALL COACH Run, you stupid son-of-a-bitch! Run! Forrest runs across the field. He speeds past the defending players. Forrest runs past the opposite players. The crowd cheers wildly, holding up cards, making a large sign that reads: "Go." They turn the cards over, creating the word: "ALABAMA." The football coach runs along the sidelines as he yells. FOOTBALL COACH You stupid son-of-a-bitch! Run! Go! Run! Forrest cuts and runs toward the sidelines. Two opposing players collide. The football coach, the assistants and the players all motion for Forrest to run toward the end zone. FOOTBALL COACH Run! Turn! Go! Forrest turns up the sidelines and runs toward the end zone. Some opposing players fall down. Forrest runs along the sidelines. The opposing players try to catch him. Forrest runs into the end zone as an opposing player dives at his feet. The referee holds up his arm, signaling a touch down. The crowd cheers wildly. Forrest continues to run, smashing through the band members, then all the way toward the team tunnel. The football coach looks at an assistant coach. FOOTBALL COACH He must be the stupidest son-of-a- bitch alive. But he sure is fast! FORREST (V.O.) Now, maybe it was just me but college was very confusing times. INT. GREENBOW/BARBER SHOT - BLACK & WHITE TELEVISION (JUNE 11, 1963) An anchorman named CHET HUNTLEY appears over the television. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) Federal troops enforcing a court order integrated the University of Alabama today. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA - DAY Forrest walks through a crowd of people. CHET HUNTLEY Governor George Wallace had carried out his symbolic threat to stand in the schoolhouse door. GOVERNOR WALLACE We hereby denounce and forbid this illegal and unwarranted action by the central government. INT. GREENBOW/BARBER SHOP A black & white television reveals George Wallace as he stands in the doorway of the schoolhouse. KATZENBACH (on TV) Governor Wallace, I take it from that, uh... EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Forrest steps over to a young man as the crowd looks at the demonstration. KATZENBACH ...statement that you are going to stand in that door, and that you are not going to carry out the orders of this court, and that you are going to resist us from doing so. I would ask you once again to responsibility step aside and if you do not, I'm going to assure you... FORREST Earl, what's going on? EARL Coons are tryin' to get into school. FORREST Coons? When raccoons try to get on our back porch, Momma just chase 'em off with a broom. EARL Not raccoons, you idiot, niggas. And they want to go to school with us. FORREST With us? They do? Forrest walks toward the schoolhouse. INT. COACHES' OFFICE A football coach looks at a black and white television as a newsman outside the schoolhouse speaks to the camera. NEWSMAN (on TV) ...block the doorway, President Kennedy ordered the Secretary of Defense then to use the military force. BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE The footage cuts to Governor Wallace as he speaks to General Graham. NEWSMAN Here by videotape is the encounter by General Graham, Commander of the National Guard, and Governor Wallace. Forrest stands next to George Wallace and listens. GOVERNOR WALLACE We must have no violence today, or any other day, because these National Guardsmen are here today as Federal Soldiers for Alabamans. And they live within our borders and they are all our brothers. We are winning in this fight because we are awakening the American people to the dangers that we have spoken about so many times, just so evident today, the trend toward military dictatorship in this country. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Some of the Alabama policeman and citizens clap their hands as the National Guardsmen stand at attention with their weapons in front of them. Forrest walks through the crowd. Two black students were being led toward the schoolhouse. NEWSMAN And so at day's end the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa had been desegregated and students Jimmy Hood and Vivian Malone had been signed up for summer classes. The young black girl drops one of her books. Forrest notices and steps past the policeman toward the book on the ground. Forrest steps out from the crowd and picks up the book. He brings it up to the girl. FORREST Ma'am, you dropped your book. Ma'am. INT. COACHES' OFFICE - NIGHT (1963) A coach looks at the television. The television reveals Forrest as he stands at the schoolhouse door. He looks around, then waves. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) Governor Wallace did what he promised to do. By being on the Tuscaloosa campus, he kept the mob from gathering and prevented violence. An assistant coach looks at the television, then at the other coaches. ASSISTANT COACH Say, wasn't that Gump? The football coach and two assistant coaches look. Forrest dries himself off with a towel as he steps from the showers. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) NBC News will present a special program on the Alabama integration story at 7:30 p.m. tonight... ASSISTANT COACH Naw, that couldn't be. FOOTBALL COACH It sure as hell was. CHET HUNTLEY ...standard Eastern Daylight Time. Now a word from Anacin. Forrest steps up to the coaches' area and grabs a clean towel. The coaches turn and stare at Forrest. Forrest gives them one of his silly waves, then walks away. COLOR FOOTAGE - Governor Wallace waves to the crowd as he stands behind a podium with his wife. FORREST (V.O.) A few years later, that angry little man at the schoolhouse door thought it would be a good idea, and ran for President. COLOR FOOTAGE - Governor Wallace mingles in a crowd. Gunshots are fired, wounding him. Some men wrestle the shooter. Wallace lies wounded on the ground. FORREST (V.O.) But, somebody thought that it wasn't. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest sits on the bench as the black woman looks at him. A WHITE WOMAN with a bay sits left. FORREST But he didn't die. A bus pulls up to the bus stop. The BLACK WOMAN looks down at her watch. BLACK WOMAN My bus is here. FORREST Is it the number 9? BLACK WOMAN No, it's the number 4. The Black Woman gets up and steps over to the bus. FORREST It was nice talkin' to you. The white woman sits closer to Forrest. WHITE WOMAN I remember when that happened, when Wallace got shot. I was in college. FORREST Did you go to a girls' college, or to a girls' and boys' together college? WHITE WOMAN It was co-ed. FORREST 'Cause Jenny went to a college I couldn't go to. It was a college just for girls. EXT, GIRLS' COLLEGE/JENNY'S DORM - NIGHT (1963) Forrest sits outside Jenny's dorm in the rain. FORREST (V.O.) But, I'd go and visit her every chance I got. A car pulls up. A song is heard from the radio. Forrest, holding a box of chocolates, looks at the car. The two people inside the car begins to kiss and embrace each other. Jenny is inside the car with a boy. She leans back against the passenger side door as they struggle to get comfortable. JENNY Ouch! That hurts. Forrest gets up and runs toward the car. He tries to look in the window as he steps over to the driver's side door. He opens the door and begins to punch the boy inside. Jenny jump out of the car and runs over to Forrest. JENNY Forrest! Forrest! Forrest, stop it! Stop it! BILLY Jesus! JENNY What are you doing? FORREST He was hurtin' you. Jenny's date, named BILLY, gets out of the car angrily. BILLY What the hell is going on here? JENNY No, he's not! BILLY Who is that? Who is that? JENNY Get over there! Jenny turns and looks at Billy. He shoves Jenny's hands away from him. JENNY Billy, I'm sorry. BILLY What in the hell, git, would you git away from me! JENNY Don't... Wait a second! BILLY Git, just git away from me! JENNY Don't go! Billy, wait a second! Billy gets back into the car. JENNY He doesn't know any better! Billy pulls away as Jenny steps toward Forrest. JENNY Forrest, why'd you do that? Forrest holds out the box of chocolates. FORREST I brought you some chocolates. I'm sorry. I'll go back to my college now. JENNY Forrest, look at you! Come on. Come on. Jenny grabs Forrest hand and leads him toward the dorm. INT. JENNY'S DORM/HALLWAY Jenny and Forrest sneak to Jenny's door. FORREST Is this your room? JENNY Shh! Jenny unlocks the door and they step inside. INT. JENNY'S DORM ROOM Jenny pulls a robe off of her sleeping roommate's bed. Jenny hands the robe to Forrest, sitting on Jenny's bed. JENNY Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be? FORREST Who I'm gonna be? JENNY Yeah. FORREST Aren't I going to be me? JENNY Well, you'll always be you, just another kind of you. You know? I want to be famous. Jenny picks up a towel, then walks back toward Forrest. Jenny dries the water from her hair. JENNY I want to be a singer like Joan Baez. I just want to be an empty stage with my guitar, my voice... just me. Jenny takes off her slip and sits on the bed next to him. She is only wearing her bra and panties. Forrest looks at Jenny like he's never seen a woman in her underwear before. JENNY And I want to reach people on a personal level. I want to be able to say things, just one-to-one. Forrest looks down at Jenny's breasts. Jenny realizes that he is looking at her. JENNY Have you ever been with a girl, Forrest? FORREST I sit next to them in my home economics class all the time. DJ (over radio) You're listening to WHHY in Birmingham, the clear A.M. voice of Northern Alabama. I'm Joel Dorn... Forrest looks at Jenny as she removes her bra. Forrest looks away, a bit shamed. Jenny takes his hand and guides it up to her breast. DJ (over radio) ...coming to you on a night that is anything but clear. The weatherman says that rain's gonna fall all night long so stay with us, get warm, get cozy, get under the covers to the cool sounds of WHHY. Forrest looks over at Jenny's breasts, the shudder as he has an orgasm. FORREST Ohh... Oh... I'm sorry. Sorry. JENNY It's okay. DJ (over radio) ...444-6789, with ya till sunrise, playing the music you want to hear when you want to hear it. If you have a request or dedication, give us a call. We guarantee you'll hear your requests within one hour. Forrest breathes heavily. Jenny puts her bra back on. JENNY It's all right. Jenny leans over and puts her head on Forrest's shoulder. DJ (over radio) Candy is on the line tonight. Candy's answering the phones, give Candy your request, your dedication, and ask her why she won't go out with me, would you? Here's more music. JENNY It's okay. FORREST Oh, I'm dizzy. A song is coming over the radio. Jenny hugs Forrest. JENNY I bet that never happened in home ec. FORREST No. Jenny laughs and kisses Forrest on the cheek. Forrest and Jenny hug on the bed as Jenny's roommate pretends to be asleep, but is listening, horrified, with her eyes open. FORREST I think I ruined your roommate's bathrobe. JENNY I don't care. I don't like her, anyway. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA/FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY (1963) Forrest runs across the field as the defending team chases him. The crowd yells for Forrest. They flip a sign that reads: "Go Forrest." CROWD Run! Run! Run! Forrest runs along the field. The crowd cheers. CROWD Run! Run! Run! Forrest runs into the end zone. The band members rush toward Forrest with their hands up, signaling him to stop. The crowd flips over cards, creating a sign that reads "STOP." CROWD Stop! Forrest stops in the end zone as he hears the crowd yells. The band motions for Forrest to stop and stay in the end zone. A group of defending players fall over each other in the end zone. Forrest looks as the crowd cheers wildly. FORREST (V.O.) College ran by real fast 'cause I played so much football. BLACK AND WHITE PARAMOUNT NEWSREEL - DAY (1963) The White House with the words "The eyes and ears of the world Paramount News" superimposed. FORREST (V.O.) They even put me on a thing called the All-America Team where you get to meet the President of the United States. BLACK AND WHITE NEWSREEL PRESIDENT KENNEDY holds an autographed football as the All- American Team stands behind him. Forrest is among the players in suits. ANNOUNCER (over newsreel) President Kennedy met with the Collegiate All-American Football Team at the Oval Office today. INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION AREA - DAY (1963) The All-American players mingle around the food table. Forrest steps up to the table. A large spread of food and soda is on the table. FORREST (V.O.) Now, the real good thing about meeting the President of the United States is the food. Forrest takes a bottle of Dr. Pepper from the buffet table. Numerous bottle of Dr. Pepper are displayed on the table. A servant opens the bottle for him. FORREST (V.O.) They put you in this little room with just about anything you'd want to eat or drink. And since number one, I wasn't hungry, but thirsty... Forrest begins to guzzle the Dr. Pepper. FORREST (V.O.) ...and number two, they was free, I musta drank me about fifteen Dr. Peppers. Forrest sets down an empty Dr. Pepper bottle next to a large number of other empty bottles. Forrest holds his stomach and burps. BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE - President Kennedy shakes hands with the All-American football players. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 1ST PLAYER It's an honor, Sir. Another player steps up to the President and shakes the President's hand. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 2ND PLAYER Very good, Sir. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 3RD PLAYER Very good, Sir. The player walks away. Forrest steps up to the President. The President shakes his hand. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How do you feel? FORREST I gotta pee. President Kennedy turns and smiles. PRESIDENT KENNEDY I believe he said he had to go pee. INT. WHITE HOUSE/BATHROOM Forrest urinates in the bathroom, then lowers the lid and flashes. Forrest washes his hands, then notices an autographed photo from Marilyn Monroe and a photo of John with his brother Bobby. FORREST (V.O.) Sometime later, for no particular reason, somebody shot that nice young President when he was ridin' in his car. ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE - DAY SLOW MOTION - President Kennedy rises in a convertible and smiles. FORREST And a few years after that... ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE - Robert Kennedy stands at a podium as people around him applaud. FORREST (V.O.) ...somebody shot his little brother, too, only he was in a hotel kitchen. EXT. SAVANNHA/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest sits on the bench and shakes his head. FORREST It must be hard being brothers. I wouldn't know. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA - DAY - GRADUATION DAY (1966) Students in their caps and gowns step forward the podium to receive their diplomas. Forrest's name is called. He steps up and accepts his diploma. DEAN Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) Now can you believe it? After only five years of playing football, I got a college degree. The dean shakes Forrest's hand vigorously. Forrest looks out into the crowd. DEAN Congratulations, son. Mrs. Gump, sitting in the audience, cries. FORREST (V.O.) Momma was proud. Forrest and Mrs. Gump have their picure taken in front of a large statue. A military recruiter spots Forrest and steps up to him. MRS. GUMP Forrest, I'm so proud of you. Here, I'll hold this for you. Mrs. Gump takes the diploma from Forrest. The recruiter slaps Forrest on the shoulder and hands him some military literature. MILITARY RECRUITER Congratulations, son. Have you given any thought to your future? FORREST Thought? Forrest looks at a pamphlet with a photo of "Uncle Sam" and the caption "EXCELLENT CAREERS FOR EXCELLENT YOUNG MAN. Apply now at your local U.S. Army Recruiting Center." FORREST (V.O.) Hello, I'm Forrest... INT. ARMY BUS - DAY (1966) Forrest steps onto the army bus. Rain pours outside as the army bus driver yells at Forrest. FORREST ...Forrest Gump. ARMY BUS DRIVER Nobody gives a hunk of shit who you are, fuzzball! You're not even a lowlife scum sucking maggot! Get your faggoty ass on the bus. You're in the Army now! Forrest is about to sit on the first available seat, but the recruit sitting there refuses Forrest. RECRUIT #1 This seat's taken. Forrest tries to sit on the next seat, but the 2nd recruit slides over, blocking him. RECRUIT #2 It's taken. Forrest steps forward, looking much like he did on his first bus ride to school years ago. FORREST (V.O.) At first, it seemed like I made a mistake. A large black recruit with a strange look on his face, much like Forrest's, looks up from his seat. His name is BUBBA. FORREST (V.O.) ...seeing how it was my induction day and I was already gettin' yelled at. Bubba moves his case over, making room for Forrest to sit down. BUBBA You can sit down... if you want to. FORREST (V.O.) I didn't know who I might meet or what they might ask. Bubba hands Forrest a handkerchief. BUBBA You ever been on a real shrimp boat? FORREST No, but I been on a real big boat. BUBBA I'm talkin' about a shrimp catchin' boat. I've been workin' on shrimp boats all my life. I started out my uncle's boat, that's my mother's brother, when I was about maybe nine. I was just lookin' into buyin' a boat of my own and got drafted. My given name is Benjamin Buford Blue. Bubba and Forrest shake hands. BUBBA People call me Bubba. Just like one of them redneck boys. Can you believe that? FORREST My name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) So Bubba was from Bayou La Batre, Alabama, and his momma cooked shrimp. INT. LOUISIANA/KITCHEN - DAY (1966) Bubba's mother, a robust woman in a cook's uniform, carries a bowl of shrimp into a dining room. She sets it down on a table in front of a wealthy white man. FORREST (V.O.) And her momma before her cooked shrimp. INT. SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH/KITCHEN - DAY (EARLY DAYS OF SLAVERY) Bubba's grandmother carries a bowl of shrimp into a dining room. She sets it down on a table in front of a wealthy white man. FORREST (V.O.) And her momma before her momma cooked shrimp, too. Bubba's family knew everything... INT. ARMY BUS - DAY (1966) FORREST (V.O.) ...there was to know about the shrimpin' business. BUBBA I know everything there is to know about the shrimpin' business. Matter of fact, I'm goin' into the shrimpin' business for myself after I get out the Army. FORREST Okay. INT. BARRACKS - DAY A DRILL SERGEANT is in Forrest's face as Forrest stands in line with the other recruits. DRILL SERGEANT Gump! What's your sole purpose in this Army? FORREST To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant! DRILL SERGEANT Godamnit, Gump! You're a goddamned genius! That's the most outstanding answer I've ever heard. You must have a godamned I.Q. of a hundred and sixty! You are godamned gifted, Private Gump! The Drill Sergeant moves down the line to the next man. DRILL SERGEANT Listen up, people... FORREST (V.O.) Now, for some reason, I fit in the Army like one of them round pegs. It's not really hard. You just make your bed real neat and remember to stand up straight. DRILL SERGEANT That is one very intelligent individual! You lock your scuzzy bodies up behind that private and do exactly what he does and you will go far in this man's army! FORREST (V.O.) And always answer every question with "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" DRILL SERGEANT Is that clear? FORREST & RECRUITS Yes, Drill Sergeant! ANOTHER DAY The recruits are sitting at the base of their bunks assembling their rifles. Bubba speaks to Forrest. BUBBA What you do is you just drag your nets across the bottom. On a good day, you can catch over a hundred pounds of shrimp. If everything goes all right, two men shrimpin' ten hours, less what you spends on gas, you can... Forrest finishes assembling his rifle as the other recruits are still working on theirs. FORREST Done, Drill Sergeant! DRILL SERGEANT Gump! The Drill Sergeant rushes up to Forrest. DRILL SERGEANT Why did you put that weapon together so quickly, Gump? FORREST You told me to, Drill Sergeant. The Drill Sergeant looks at his stop watch. DRILL SERGEANT Jesus Christ! This is a new company record. If it wouldn't be a waste of such a damn fine enlisted man, I'd recommended you for O.C.S., Private Gump. You are gonna be a General some day, Gump! Now, disassemble your weapon and continue! The Drill Sergeant walks away as Forrest begins to disassemble his rifle. After the Drill Sergeant walks past Bubba, Bubba looks up at Forrest. Bubba continues talking about shrimp in his slow southern drawl. BUBBA Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There, uh, shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole... ANOTHER DAY Bubba and Forrest shine their boots. BUBBA ...shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp... ANOTHER DAY Bubba and Forrest are on their hands and knees as they scrub the floor with toothbrushes. BUBBA ...shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... that's, that's about it. NIGHT Bubba lies in his bunk and looks up quietly. FORREST (V.O.) Nighttime in the Army is a lovely time. Forrest lies in his bunk and looks up. FORREST (V.O.) We'd lay there in our bunks, and I'd miss my momma. And I'd miss Jenny. A young private tosses a Playboy magazine onto Forrest. YOUNG PRIVATE Hey, Gump. Get a load of the tits on her! Forrest pick up the magazine and turns the page, revealing Jenny as she poses with a school sweater on, and that's all. The pictorial is titled: "Girls of the South." Forrest looks up with shock. He cranes his head up for a closer look. FORREST (V.O.) Turns out, Jenny had gotten into some trouble over... some photos of her in her college sweater. And she was thrown out of school. SONG "My baby does the hanky-panky..." INT. NASHVILLE/NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT (1966) Forrest, in his army uniform, steps into the foyer of the club. FORREST (V.O.) But that wasn't a bad thing. Because a man who owns a theater in Memphis, Tennessee, saw those photo and offered Jenny a job singing in a show. The first chance I got, I took the bus up to Memphis to see her perform in that show. EMCEE steps out onto the stage. EMCEE That was Amber, Amber Flame. Give her a big hand, guys. Good job, Amber. And now, for your listening and viewing pleasure, direct from Hollywood, California, our very own beatnik beauty, let's give a big round of applause to the luscious Bobbie Dylan. CROWD Bobbie... Bobbie... The emcee walks back off the stage and the curtain opens, revealing Jenny as she sits on a stool on the stage. She holds a guitar up and begins to play. She is topless. JENNY (sings) "Yes, and how many seas must the white dove said, before she sleeps in the sand." FORREST (V.O.) Her dream had come true. She was a folk singer. JENNY (sings) "Yes, how many times must the cannonballs fly before they're forever banned." MAN #1 You gotta lose the guitar, darling. MAN #2 Hey, come on, baby. Shake it up. Shake it up now. MAN #3 Hey, somebody ought to get her a harmonica. The men laugh. JENNY (sings) "The answer, my friend is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in... MAN # ...skin, honey. This isn't Captain Kangaroo. MEN Yeah! Come on! Man #5 reaches up and tries to stick some money in Jenny's shoe. MAN #5 : Hey, honey, I got something here for you. Jenny kicks his hand. He yells angrily as he sits back down, then tosses his drink on her. MAN #5 Goddamnit! JENNY Hey! Hey! Stupid jerk! I'm singing a song here. Polly, get out here! MAN # Hey, show us some stuff, honey! JENNY Shut up! Oh, shut up! Forrest walks up to Man #5 and grabs him and tosses him down on the ground. Man #4 tries to grab Forrest, but Forrest shoves him down too. JENNY Forrest, what are you doing here? What are you doing? Forrest climbs up onto the stage and picks Jenny up, guitar and all, and carries her. FORREST Come on. JENNY What are you doing? Forrest, let me down! Jenny struggles and frees herself from Forrest. Forrest steps back in surprise. Jenny shoves the guitar at Forrest. Jenny walks off as Forrest holds the guitar. He follows after her. EXT. MEMPHIS BRIDGE - NIGHT Forrest follows Jenny over a bridge outside the night club. JENNY You can't keep doing this, Forrest. You can't keep tryin' to rescue me all the time. FORREST They was tryin' to grab you. JENNY A lot of people try to grab me. Just -- you can't keep doing this all the time! FORREST I can't help it. I love you. JENNY Forrest, you don't know what love is. Jenny turns and looks over the bridge. JENNY You remember that time we prayed, Forrest? We prayed for God to turn me into a bird so I could fly far, far away? FORREST Yes, I do. JENNY You think I can fly off this bridge? FORREST What do you mean, Jenny? JENNY Nothing. Jenny turns and looks at the light of an approaching vehicle. She steps into the street. JENNY I gotta get outta here. Jenny runs and flags down the approaching vehicle. FORREST But wait. Jenny! JENNY Forrest, you stay away from me, okay? You just stay away from me, please. A pickup truck pulls over as Jenny looks at the driver. JENNY Can I have a ride? DRIVER Where you going? JENNY I don't care. DRIVER Get in the truck. FORREST So bye-bye, Jenny. They sendin' me to Vietnam. It's this whole other country. Jenny walks toward Forrest. She looks at the driver. JENNY Just hang on a minute. Jenny walks up to Forrest. JENNY Listen, you promise me something, okay? Just if you're ever in trouble, don't try to be brave, you just run, okay? Just run away. FORREST Okay. Jenny, I'll write you all the time. Jenny takes a last look at Forrest, then climbs into the truck. Forrest watches Jenny in the pickup as it drives away. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that. EXT. GREENBOW/GUMP BOARDING HOUSE/RIVER - DAY Forrest, dressed in his uniform, sits on a log and looks out at a river. FORREST (V.O.) ...she was gone. Mrs. Gump walks toward Forrest and sits down next to him on the log. Forrest leans down, placing his head on his mother's shoulder. MRS. GUMP You come back safe to me, do ya hear? EXT. VIETNAM/MEKONG DELTA - MORNING (1967) The shadow of a helicopter over the rice field below. A soldier is manning a gun from inside the helicopter. The solider looks left, Forrest and Bubba ride in the helicopter. EXT. FIREBASE/4TH PLATOON The helicopter circles overhead, then lands at the firebase. SONG "Some folks are born made to wave the flag. Ooh, they're red, white and blue. And when the band plays "Hail to the Chief," ohh, they point the cannon at you all. It ain't me. It ain't me. I ain't no Senator's son, no. It ain't me. It ain't me..." Bubba and Forrest jump out of the helicopter with their gear/ They walk and look around oddly. FORREST (V.O.) Now, they told us that Vietnam was gonna be very different from the United Sates of America. The soldier places a case of beer on a large stack of cases. He takes two beers out and walks away. In the background, soldiers are barbecuing steaks and drinking beer. FORREST (V.O.) Except for all the beer cans and the barbecue, it was. BUBBA Y'know, I bet there's shrimp all in these waters. They tell me these Vietnams is good shrimp. You know, after we win this war, and we take over everything we can get American shrimpers to come on here and shrimp these waters. We'll just shrimp all the time, man. So much shrimp, why, you wouldn't believe it. Lieutenant DAN TAYLOR steps out of a tent. Shirtless, he holds a roll of toilet paper in his hand. LT. DAN You must be my F.N.G.'s. BUBBA AND FORREST Morning', sir! LT. DAN Ho! Get your hands down. Do not salute me. There are goddamned snipers all around this area who would love to grease an officer. I'm Lieutenant Dan Taylor. Welcome to Fourth Platoon. Lt. Dan looks at Bubba. LT. DAN What's wrong with your lips? BUBBA I was born with big gums, sir. LT. DAN Yeah, well, you better tuck that in. Gonna get that caught on a trip wire. Where you boys from in the world? BUBBA & FORREST Alabama, sir! LT. DAN You twins? Forrest and Bubba look at each other oddly, they don't get the joke. FORREST No, we are not relations, sir. LT. DAN Look, it's pretty basic here. Lt. Dan starts to walk. Bubba and Forrest grab their gear and follow him. LT. DAN You stick with me, you learn from the guys who been in country awhile, you'll be right. There is one item of G.I. gear that can be the difference between a live grunt and a dead grunt. Lt. Dan stops and looks at the boys. LT. DAN Socks, cushion, sole, O.D. green. Try and keep your feet dry when we're out humpin'. I want you boys to remember to change your socks wherever we stop. The Mekong will eat a grunt's feet right off his legs. Lt. Dan steps over to a large black soldier named SERGEANT SIMS. LT. DAN Sergeant Sims! Goddamnit, where is that sling-rope I told you to order. SGT. SIMS I put in requisitions at Battalion. LT. DAN Yeah, yeah, yeah, well you call those sonabitches again, call them again and again and again. I don't care how much it takes... FORREST (V.O.) Lt. Dan sure knew his stuff. I felt real lucky he was my lieutenant. He was from a long, great military tradition. Somebody in his family had fought and died in every single American war. EXT. VALLEY FORGE/THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR - DAY (1778) A distant relative of Lt. Dan's, wearing a revolutionary war uniform, falls dead in the snow. EXT. GETTYSBURG/THE CIVIL WAR - DAY (1863) Another relative, wearing a civil war uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to Lt. Dan, falls down dead. EXT. NORMANDY/WORLD WAR II - DAY (1944) Another relative, wearing a World War II, falls down dead on the beach at Normandy. EXT. VETNAM/MEKONG DELTA/FIREBASE - DAY (1967) LT. DAN Goddamnit, kick some ass! SGT. SIMS I'm on it, Lieutenant. LT. DAN Get on it! Lt. Dan steps back up to Bubba and Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to. Lt. Dan walks along the walkway and Bubba and Forrest follow. LT. DAN So, you boys are from Arkansas, huh? Well, I've been through there. Little Rock's a fine town. Now, go shake down your gear, see the platoon sergeant, draw what you need for the field. Lt. Dan steps inside the latrine, still holding the roll of toilet paper. LT. DAN If you boys are hungry, we got steaks burnin' right here. Lt. Dan sits down out of sight in the latrine, then stands up, looking at the boys. LT. DAN Two standing orders in this platoon. One, take good care of your feet. Two, try not to do anything stupid, like gettin' yourself killed. Lt. Dan sits back down out of sight in the latrine. Bubba and Forrest look at each other. FORREST I sure hope I don't let him down. EXT. RICE FIELD - ANOTHER DAY Forrest, Bubba, and other soldiers in the Fourth Platoon walk across the rice field. Some Vietnamese rice farmers are working as the soldiers walk past. FORREST (V.O.) I got to see a lot of countryside. We would take these real long walks. EXT. JUNGLE/DIRT ROAD - ANOTHER DAY Forrest's unit walks along a dirt road. SONG And we were always lookin' for this guy named Charlie. I can't get no relief. Suddenly Lt. Dan holds up his fist, a signal for the unit to stop. He motions for them to get down. LT. DAN Hold it up! SGT. SIMS Hold up, boys! Forrest gets down and looks around. FORREST (V.O.) It wasn't always fun. Lt. Dan always gettin' these funny feelings about a rock or a trail, or the road, so he'd tell you to get down, shut up! LT. DAN Get down! Shut up! FORREST (V.O.) So we did. Lt. Dan motions for the lead soldier to get down. Lt. Dan crouches down. Lt. Dan looks at the soldiers and points to his eyes. He lies down on the dirt road and crawls. FORREST (V.O.) Now, I don't know much about anything, but I think some of American's best young men served in this war. There was Dallas, from Phoenix. Cleveland, he was from Detroit. CLEVELAND Hey, Tex. Hey, Tex. Man, what the hell's going on? Tex holds up his hand, motioning that he doesn't know. FORREST (V.O.) And Tex was, well, I don't remember where Tex come from. LT. DAN Ah, nothin'. Fourth Platoon, on your feet! Still got ten clicks to go to that river. Forrest stands up and begins to walk with the platoon. LT. DAN All right, move out! Comin' out. Look alive out there. FORREST (V.O.) The good thing about Vietnam is there was always someplace to go. LT. DAN (V.O.) Fire in the hole! EXT. VIETNAM/VIET CONG FOXHOLE - ANOTHER DAY Lt. Dan walks away as Forrest rushes over, aims two pistols in the hole, then climbs inside. FORREST (V.O.) And there was always something to do. LT. DAN Mount 'em up. SGT. SIMS Spread out! Cover his back. ANOTHER DAY - The platoon walks through a rice paddy, waits deep in water. It begins to rain. FORREST (V.O.) One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. EXT. JUNGLE The rain pours down on Forrest and Bubba as they sit in a foxhole. FORREST (V.O.) We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... ANOTHER DAY - The platoon walks through the jungle as rain pours down on them. FORREST (V.O.) ...and big ol' fat rain. ANOTHER DAY - The platoon shelters themselves as they walk through the wind and rain. FORREST (V.O.) Rain that flew in sideways. ANOTHER DAY - Forrest and other soldiers walk chest-deep through a river. The rain splatters back up from the river, hitting the soldiers. Forrest holds his hand up to protect his face. FORREST (V.O.) And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. EXT. ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT The rain pours down on the men of the platoon as they sit in a camp. Bubba sits down next to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) Shoot, it even rained at night. Bubba leans his back up against Forrest's back. BUBBA Hey Forrest... FORREST Hey Bubba... BUBBA I'm gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. BUBBA This way, we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud. You know why we a good partnership, Forrest? 'Cause we be watchin' out for one another. Like brothers and stuff. Hey, Forrest, there's somethin' I've been thinkin' about. I got a very important question to ask you. How would you like to go into the shrimpin' business with me? FORREST Okay. BUBBA Man, I tell you what, I got it all figured out, too. So many pounds of shrimp to pay off the boat, so many pounds for gas, we can just live right on the boat. We ain't got to pay no rent. I'll be the captain; we can just work it together. Split everything right down the middle. Man, I'm tellin' you, fifty-fifty. And, hey, Forrest, all the shrimp you can get. FORREST That's a fine idea. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba did have a fine idea. ANOTHER NIGHT - Some soldiers patrol the area. Forrest lies in a pup tent and writes a litter as the rain pours down. He uses his flashlight to see. FORREST (V.O.) I even wrote Jenny and told her all about it. I sent her letters. Not every day, but almost. I told her what I was doin' and asked her what she was doing, and I told her how I thought about her always. EXT. JENNY'S GRANDMOTHER'S TRAILER - DAY Jenny steps out of the trailer with a backpack and a guitar. She hugs a hippie guy, then jumps into the back of a Volkswagen bus with another guy. FORREST (V.O.) And how I was looking forward to getting a letter from her just as soon as she had the time I'd always let her know that I was okay. EXT. VIETNAM - NIGHT Forrest writes a letter in his tent. FORREST (V.O.) Then I'd sign each letter, "Love, Forrest Gump." EXT. JUNGLE - DAY The Fourth Platoon makes their way through the jungle and rain. SONG "There's something happenin' here. What it is ain't exactly clear. There's a man with a gun over there, telling' me I got to beware." FORREST (V.O.) This one day, we was out walking, like always, and then, just like that, somebody turned off the rain and the sun come out. Forrest looks up as the sun suddenly appears. Forrest's platoon is attacked. A bullet kills the soldier standing next to Forrest. Bombs explode all around as the soldiers scramble to the ground. LT. DAN Take cover! Forrest crawls over a berm as bullets fly overhead and explode all around him. Forrest rolls over and pulls his pack off Lt. Dan lies next to Forrest. LT. DAN Get that pig up here, goddammit! BUBBA Forrest, you okay? Two soldiers with a machine gun fire into the jungle. Lt. Dan shouts into the radio. Forrest begins firing his weapon into the jungle. LT. DAN ...Strongarm, please be advised... Two soldiers pull a wounded soldier into the jungle. BUBBA Medic, we got a man down! LT. DAN Strongarm, this is Leg Lima 6, over! LT. DAN Roger, Strongarm, be advised we have incoming from the treeline at point blue plus two. A.K's and rockets... The machine gunner fires into the treeline. Another soldier helps him with the ammunition. The machine gun jams. SOLDIER WITH BIG MACHINE GUN Misfire! Misfire! LT. DAN Goddammit, Mac! Get that pig unfucked and get it in the treeline! A rocket explodes on the machine gunner and the other soldier, killing them. Forrest looks down and covers his head as rockets explodes all around him. LT. DAN (into radio) Ah, Jesus! My unit is down hard and hurting! 6 pulling back to the blue line, Leg Lima 6 out! Pull back! Pull back! BUBBA Forrest! Run! Run, Forrest! LT. DAN Pull back! BUBBA Forrest! Run! Run, Forrest! Run! Run! SGT. SIMS Pull back! Let's go! Lt. Dan gets up and grabs Forrest by the collar. LT. DAN Run, goddammit, run! The platoon gets up and runs toward the cover of the jungle. Rockets explode all around the field. Forrest runs into the jungle. The soldiers run through the jungle as bullets explode all around. A soldier is blown up by a rocket. A soldier runs through the jungle. Forrest runs past the soldier. SOLDIER Medic! Medic! Jesus, can I get a medic? FORREST (V.O.) I ran and ran, just like Jenny told me to. Rockets explode in the jungle as Forrest runs out toward a clearing. FORREST (V.O.) I ran so far and so fast that pretty soon I was all by myself, which was a bad thing. FORREST Bubba! Forrest turns around, then runs back into the jungle. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba was my best good friend. I had to make sure he was okay. Rockets explode in the jungle. Forrest runs back into the jungle to look for Bubba. 1ST SOLDIER Any friendlies out there? 2ND SOLDIER Yeah, I've got three over there. 1ST SOLDIER Where the hell are you? Forrest stops and aims his weapon. He looks around, scared. FORREST Bubba? Something moves. Forrest turns and looks, then rushes over. FORREST (V.O.) And on my way back to find Bubba, well, there was this boy laying on the ground. FORREST Tex! Tex lies on the ground, his face distorted with pain. FORREST Okay. Forrest reaches down and picks up Tex from the ground. Forrest pulls Tex up over his shoulder, then runs. FORREST (V.O.) I couldn't just let him lay there all alone, scared the way he was, so I grabbed him up and run him out of there. Forrest carries Tex out of the jungle and into the clearing. He sets Tex down on the bank of a river, and runs back into the jungle. FORREST (V.O.) And every time I went back looking for Bubba, somebody else was saying, "Help me, Forrest. Help me." Forrest drops another wounded soldier down at the bank of the river next to Tex, and then runs back toward the jungle. Forrest grabs the third wounded soldier up from the ground and turns him over. It is DALLAS. DALLAS Can't hear... Can't hear... Dallas is dropped off at the bank next to the other wounded soldiers. Forrest turns to go back to the jungle. 2ND WOUNDED SOLDIER No sweat, man. Just lay back. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. FORREST (V.O.) I started to get scared that I might never find Bubba. STRONGARM (over radio) You're danger close for crack air, over. Forrest trips over something and falls to the ground. He looks up to find two bloody legs. It is Lt. Dan, who is wounded. He speaks into the radio. LT. DAN (into radio) Roger, Strongarm, I know my position is danger close! We got Charlie all over this area! I gotta have those fast movers in here now! Over! STRONGARM (over radio) Six, Strongarm, we want... FORREST Lieutenant Dan, Coleman's dead! LT. DAN I know he's dead! My whole goddamned platoon is wiped out! STRONGARM (over radio) Leg Lima 6, Leg Lima 6, how copy you this transmission? Over. Forrest tries to pick up Lt. Dan, who tries to push Forrest away. LT. DAN Goddammit! What are you doing? Leave me here! Get away. Just leave me here! Get out! Forrest pulls Lt. Dan over his shoulder and runs through the jungle. STRONGARM Leg Lima 6, Leg Lima 6. This is Strongarm, be advised, your fast movers are inbound at this time, over. FORREST (V.O.) Then it felt like something just jumped up and bit me. Forrest falls down. FORREST Ah, something bit me! Forrest gets up as Lt. Dan yells. Lt. Dan fires his pistol at the unseen enemy as Forrest pulls him away. LT. DAN You dink son-of-a-bitch! I can't leave the platoon! I told you to leave me there, Gump. Forget about me. Get yourself out! Did you hear what I said! Goddammit, pull me down! Get your ass out of here! Forrest drops Lt. Dan down at the bank, next to the other wounded soldiers. Lt. Dan grabs Forrest by the shirt, angry. LT. DAN I didn't ask you to pull me out of there, goddamn you! What the hell do you think you're going? FORREST To get Bubba. LT. DAN I got an air strike inbound right now. They're gonna nape the whole area. Forrest gets up and runs as Lt. Dan yells after him. LT. DAN Gump, you stay here, goddammit! That's an order! FORREST I gotta find Bubba! Forrest runs through the jungle searching for Bubba. Forrest slows down and looks around carefully. BUBBA Forrest... FORREST Bubba... Bubba looks up as he lies on the ground. BUBBA I'm okay. Bubba holds a palm frond over his wound. Forrest removes the frond to look at the wound. Bubba's chest has been blown open. FORREST Oh, Bubba, no... BUBBA Naw, I'm gonna be all right. Forrest looks around as he hear the voices of the enemy. FORREST Come on. Come on. Come here... Forrest carries Bubba through the jungle. The sound of approaching planes fills the air. BUBBA I'm okay, Forrest. I'm all right. The roar of approaching planes is deafening. Forrest looks up in fear. Three planes dive down toward the jungle. They fire napalm as the jungle explodes with massive fireballs. Forrest runs, carrying Bubba. The fireballs explode behind him. The entire jungle area is in flames as Forrest runs. Forrest carries Bubba to the bank of the river. Lt. Dan and the other wounded soldiers wait for a rescue helicopter. LT. DAN Helo's inbound. Pop smoke, get it up there! FORREST (V.O.) If I'd a known this was gonna be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I'd a thought of something better to say. Forrest looks down at Bubba. A soldier releases a smoke canister. FORREST Hey, Bubba... BUBBA Hey, Forrest. Forrest, why'd this happen? FORREST You got shot. FORREST (V.O.) Then Bubba said something I won't even forget. BUBBA I wanna go home. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba was my best good friend. And even I know that ain't something you can find just around the corner. Bubba was gonna be a shrimpin' boat captain, but instead he died right there by that river in Vietnam. The helicopter fly overhead. BUS STATION - DAY Forrest continues with his life story. A MAN is sitting next to Forrest on the bus bench. FORREST That's all I have to say about that. MAN It was a bullet, wasn't it? FORREST A bullet? MAN That jumped up and bit you. FORREST Oh, yes sir. Bit me directly in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the Army must keep that money, 'cause I still ain't seen a nickel of that million dollars. The only good thing about being wounded in the buttocks... FLASHBACK - INT. US. ARMY HOSPITAL/VIETNAM - DAY Forrest holds two ice cream cones in his hands as he is wheeled on a rolling stretcher. FORREST (V.O.) ...is the ice cream. They gave me all the ice cream I could eat. And guess what. A good friend of mine was in the bed right next door. Forrest, lying on his stomach, is wheeled to his bed. Forrest's butt sticks up and is bandaged. Forrest looks at Lt. Dan lying on the bed. Forrest holds out an ice cream cone for Lt. Dan. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, I got you some ice cream. Lieutenant Dan, ice cream. Lt. Dan, annoyed, takes the ice cream cone and drops it into his bed pan. Forrest slides himself onto his bed. A NURSE reaches toward Lt. Dan. MALE NURSE It's time for your bath, Lieutenant. The male nurse places Lt. Dan's hands on a pull-up bar, then picks up Lt. Dan, whose legs have been amputated. MALE NURSE Harper... Another nurse wheels the rolling bed under Lt. Dan. The male nurse sets Lt. Dan down on the rolling bed. Forrest looks up at Lt. Dan as he is wheeled away. A soldier reads the names from a pile of letters. SOLDIER Cooper, Larson, Webster, Gump, Gump... FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. The soldier hands Forrest a large pile of letters. "Undeliverable as addressed. No forwarding order on file." Jenny Curran Rural Route 2 Greenbow, Ala. 39902 Forrest looks down at the pile of letters. INT. ARMY HOSPITAL/VIETNAM - DAY A group of wounded soldiers hang out in the hospital, recuperating. Forrest sits and watches "Gomer Pyle" on the television. SOLDIER Gump, how can you watch that stupid shit? Turn it off! ANNOUNCER From the D.M.Z. to the Delta, you are tuned to the American Forces Vietnam Network. This is Channel 6, Saigon. Forrest turns the TV off and he is hit on the back of the head by a ping-pong ball. SOLDIER Good catch, Gump. You know how to play this? Forrest shakes his head. SOLDIER Come on, let me show you. Here. The wounded ping-pong player hands Forrest a paddle. Forrest and the wounded ping-pong player step toward the ping-pong table. SOLDIER Now the secret to this game is, no matter what happens, never, never take your eye off the ball. He holds the ball up and moves it back and forth. Forrest keeps his eyes on the ball. SOLDIER All right... The wounded ping-pong player tosses the ball down onto the table. Forrest begins to hit the ball back to the other player. FORREST (V.O.) For some reason, ping pong came very natural to me. SOLDIER See, any idiot can play. FORREST (V.O.) So I started playing it all the time. Forrest hits ping-pong balls. FORREST (V.O.) I played ping-pong even when I didn't have anyone to play ping-pong with. The balls at land in a bed pan positioned on a chair. A group of wounded soldier sit and watch Forrest play with himself. Forrest hits two balls at a time against the opposite side of the table. FORREST (V.O.) The hospital's people said it made me look like a duck in water, whatever that means. Even Lieutenant Dan would come and watch me play. Lt. Dan stares out the window. Forrest lies in his bed asleep. A hand reaches and grabs him. FORREST (V.O.) I played ping-pong so much, I even played it in my sleep. Lt. Dan pulls Forrest to the floor, and holds Forrest down. LT. DAN Now, you listen to me. We all have a destiny. Nothing just happens, it's all part of a plan. I should have died out there with my men! But now, I'm nothing but a goddamned cripple! A legless freak. Look! Look! Look at me! Do you see that? Do you know what it's like not to be able to use your legs? FORREST Well... Yes, sir, I do. LT. DAN Did you hear what I said? You cheated me. I had a destiny. I was supposed to die in the field! With honor! That was my destiny! And you cheated me out of it! You understand what I'm saying, Gump? This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me. I had a destiny. I was Lieutenant Dan Tyler. FORREST Yo-You're still Lieutenant Dan. Lt. Dan looks at Forrest, lets go of Forrest and rolls. Lt. Dan sits up as Forrest looks at him. LT. DAN Look at me. What am I gonna do now? What am I gonna do now? INT. REC ROOM/VIETNAM HOSPITAL - ANOTHER DAY Forrest plays ping-pong by himself. An OFFICER walks up to him. OFFICER P.F.C. Gump? Forrest immediately grabs the ball and places it down on the table under its paddle. Stands at attention. FORREST Yes, sir! OFFICER As you were. The officer holds up an envelope. OFFICER Son, you've been awarded the Medal of Honor. INT. VIETNAM HOSPITAL WARD Forrest steps up to Lt. Dan's bed. FORREST Guess what, Lieutenant Dan, they want to give me a me... Forrest stops in mid-sentence as he looks down at the bed. A heavily bandaged soldier with bloodstains lies there. Forrest turns and look at the NURSE. FORREST Ma'am, what'd they do with Lieutenant Dan? NURSE They sent him home. FORREST (V.O.) Two weeks later, I left Vietnam. INT. BARBER SHOP/GREENBOW - DAY ANCHORMAN (on T.V.) The ceremony was kicked off with a candid speech by the President regarding the need for further escalation of the war in Vietnam. President Johnson awarded four Medals of Honor to men from each of the Armed Services. The television reveals Forrest as he is awarded the Medal of Honor by President Johnson. PRESIDENT JOHNSON America owes you a debt of gratitude, son. Color footage revealing President Johnson as he places the award around Forrest's neck and shakes hands. PRESIDENT JOHNSON I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit? FORREST In the buttocks, sir. PRESIDENT JOHNSON Oh, that must be a sight. President Johnson leans and whispers into Forrest's ear. PRESIDENT JOHNSON I'd kinda like to see that. INT. BARBER SHOP The television revealing Forrest as he drops his pants, bends over and shows the bullet wound on his bare buttocks. President Johnson looks down and smiles. The three men in the barber shop look up in disbelief. Mrs. Gump looks up in shock. PRESIDENT JOHNSON Goddamn, son. EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - DAY Forrest walks by the Lincoln Memorial. A fence surrounds the Memorial, as well as armed military guards. FORREST (V.O.) After that, Momma went to the hotel to lay down, so I went out for a walk to see our national capital. ISABEL Hilary, all right, I've got the vets, what do you want me to do with them? HILARY What are you doing here so late? Forrest takes a photo of the memorial as a woman named Hilary gathers together some veterans against the Vietnam War. HILARY We've been waiting for you for half an hour, so just get them in a line, will you. Hey, hey, come on, pictures later. You look great. Oh come on, get in this line, come on, come on right in line. Come on, let him here, let him in here. Hilary grabs Forrest and puts him in the line with the other vets against the war. FORREST (V.O.) It's a good thing Momma was resting, 'cause the street was awful crowded with people looking at all the statues and monuments. And some of them people were loud and pushy. Hilary leads the line of vets toward the large anti-Vietnam War rally. HILARY Okay, follow me! Come on. The group of vets walk as Forrest tries to take another picture. A vet behind him pushes him along. HILARY Let's move it out. VET Hey, buddy, come on. We could use your help. Forrest walks in the line. A banner reads "Veterans against the War in Vietnam." FORREST (V.O.) Everywhere I went, I had to stand in line. HILARY Follow me, let's go! Hilary leads the vets through a crowd of people outside the rally. Another woman, named Isabel, leads the vets toward the back of a stage. ISABEL All right, come on, guys. HILARY Stand here. VET Hey, you're a good man for doin' this. Good! FORREST Okay. A man, wearing an American flag shirt, stands on the stage. He is anti-war activist ABBIE HOFFMAN. ABBIE HOFFMAN We must declare to that fucking impostor in the White House -- Johnson. We ain't going to work on your farm no more! Yeah! FORREST (V.O.) There was this man, giving a little talk. And for some reason, he was wearing an American flag for a shirt... ABBIE HOFFMAN Now, I'm going to bring up some soldiers that are going to talk about the war, man... FORREST (V.O.) ...and he liked to say the "F" word. A lot. "F" this and "F" that. And every time... ABBIE HOFFMAN ...that war has come home, and we have to stop these politicians... FORREST (V.O.) ...he said "F" word, people, for some reason, well, they'd cheer. ABBIE HOFFMAN ...these guys just told Lyndon Johnson where to stick this fucking war! Yeah! Forrest looks up at the cheering crowd. Abbie turns and motions for Forrest to come up on the stage. ABBIE HOFFMAN Come on, man. Come up here, man. HILARY Come on. Come on. Yeah, you! Hilary pulls Forrest up onto the stage. HILARY Come on, get up there. Come on. Move, move. Let's go! Let's go. The other vets follow Forrest pushes onto the stage and push him toward the microphones. VET Come on, go. You can do it. Just get up there. Go on. That's it. Thousands of cheering protesters stand around the Washington Monument. Forrest looks at the crowd. Abbie Hoffmann steps up to Forrest. ABBIE HOFFMAN Tell us a little bit about the war, man. FORREST The war in Vietnam? ABBIE HOFFMAN The war in Viet-fucking-nam! Abbie raises his fist as the crowd cheers wildly. FORREST Well... FORREST (V.O.) There was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam. FORREST ...there was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam. Forrest looks at the crowd as he speaks. A policeman looks around as he sneaks over to the audio circuit board. FORREST In Vietnam war... The policeman pulls the patch cords out of the audio board. Forrest's amplified voice becomes inaudible. Forrest continues to speak into the microphone, even though no one can hear what he is saying. Hilary looks over and notices the policeman. Hilary rushes over toward the audio board, pushes the policeman away and grabs his night stick. Another protester grabs the policeman and pulls him away. POLICEMAN Hey, what the hell are you doing? HILARY I'll beat your head in, you goddamned oinker! Isabel, Hilary and another protester try to plug the tangled mess of wires back into the audio board. ISABEL Christ, what'd they do with this? Forrest continues to speak into the microphone. The crowd grows restless. CROWD We can't hear you! We can't hear anything! HILARY This one! This one! Give me that! Hilary plugs in the right patch cord. HILARY That's it. FORREST ...and that's all I have to say about that. Forrest looks at the massive crowd. They are silent. Abbie Hoffman steps over to Forrest and pats him on the shoulder. ABBIE HOFFMAN That's so right on, man. You said it all. What's your name, man? FORREST My name is Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. ABBIE HOFFMAN Forrest Gump! Abbie raises his fist into the air. Abbie steps away from Forrest. The crowd cheers. CROWD Forrest Gump! JENNY (screaming) Forrest! Forrest! Jenny wades out into the reflection pool and waves her hand into the air. Forrest recognizes her. FORREST Jenny! Forrest rushes off the stage as Jenny makes her way out into the pool. JENNY Forrest! Forrest jumps down into the crowd and runs. Jenny smiles as she tries to run through the water. The crowd parts as Forrest runs into the pool. Jenny rushes toward him. JENNY Hey! Hey! The massive crowd cheers for the embracing couple in the pool. FORREST (V.O.) It was the happiest moment of my life. EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT/PROTESTER'S ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT Forrest and Jenny walk past the protesters who are camping out on the lawn. FORREST (V.O.) Jenny and me were just peas and carrots again. She showed me around, and even introduced me... INT. BLACK PANTHER HEADQUARTERS/STOREFRONT, D.C. - NIGHT Forrest stands at an open window and looks at the White House. FORREST (V.O.) ...to some of her new friends. A Black Panther, named RUBEN, steps over and pulls the shades down. RUBEN Shut that blind, man. And get your white ass away from that window. Don't you know we in war here? Another Black Panther named MASAI grabs Forrest and pats him down. JENNY Hey man, he's cool. He's cool. He's one of us. He's one of us. MASAI Let me tell you about us. WESLEY Where the hell have you been? JENNY I ran into a friend. MASAI Our purpose here is to protect our black leaders from the racial onslaught of the pig who wishes to brutalize our black leaders, rape our women, and destroy our black communists. BLACK PANTHER Masai, phone. Talk to these guys. WESLEY Who's the baby killer? JENNY This is my good friend I told you about. This is Forrest Gump. Forrest, this is Wesley. Wesley and I live together in Berkeley, and he's the president of the Berkeley chapter of S.D.S. MASAI Let me tell you something else. WESLEY I want to talk to you. JENNY Okay, but... WESLEY No. Now! Goddammit! MASAI We are here to offer protection and help for all of those who need our help, because we, the Black Panthers, are against the war in Vietnam. Yes, we are against any war where black soldiers are sent to the front line to die for a country that hates them. Yes, we are against any war where black soldiers go to fight and come to be brutalized and killed in their own communities as they sleep in their beds at night. Yes, we are against all these racists and imperial dog acts. JENNY You are a fucking asshole! Wesley hits Jenny across the face. Slow motion -- Jenny falls back. Slow motion -- Forrest steps forward with rage. Slow motion -- Wesley turns and looks at Forrest. Forrest tackles Wesley and slams him onto a table. Jenny turns and looks as Masai pulls out a gun. JENNY Forrest! Quit it! Quit it! Forrest! Stop it! Jenny rushes over to Forrest and pulls Forrest off Wesley. JENNY Stop it! Jenny tries to help Wesley as he moans on the floor. Wesley knocks Jenny's hand away. He gets up, holding his bloody lip. WESLEY Oh, God. I shouldn't have brought you here. I should have known it was just gonna be some bullshit hassle. FORREST He should not be hitting you, Jenny. JENNY Come on, Forrest. Jenny steps out the door as Forrest picks up his hat. FORREST Sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party. The group of Black Panthers glare at Forrest. Forrest turns and walks out the room. EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT Forrest and Jenny walk past the White House. Protesters hold a candlelight vigil behind them. JENNY He doesn't mean it when he does things like this. He doesn't. FORREST I would never hurt you, Jenny. JENNY I know you wouldn't, Forrest. FORREST I wanted to be your boyfriend. They walk in silence. Jenny touches Forrest's uniform. JENNY That uniform is a trip, Forrest. You look handsome in it. You do. FORREST You know what? JENNY What? FORREST I'm glad we were here together in our national capitol. JENNY Me too, Forrest. I have so much to tell you, you won't believe what's been going on... FORREST (V.O.) We walked around all night, Jenny and me, just talkin'. EXT. ROUTE 66 - FLASHBACK - DAY Jenny stands in the rain, hitchhiking. A car pulls over to pick her up. Jenny and other other girls get into the car. FORREST (V.O.) She told me about all the travellin' she's done. EXT. COMMUNE IN NEW MEXICO - NIGHT A hippie gives Jenny a sugar cube of acid as they sit in front of a roaring fire. FORREST (V.O.) And how she'd discovered ways to expand her mind and learn how to live in harmony... EXT. HOLLYWOOD/WALK OF FAME - DAY A star with the name "Jean Harlow" on the sidewalk. Jenny and two other girls sing on the sidewalk and collect change from the passersby. Jenny plays the guitar. FORREST (V.O.) ...which must be out west somewhere, 'cause she made it all the way to California. JENNY (sings) "Smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love on another right now" A young hippie looks over his faded Volkswagen at the girls. YOUNG HIPPIE Hey, anybody want to go to San Francisco? JENNY I'll go. YOUNG HIPPIE Far out! EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - DAWN Forrest and Jenny walk through the park. FORREST (V.O.) I was a very special night for the two of us. I didn't want it to end. EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING Jenny carries a backpack as she prepares to board a bus back to Berkeley. FORREST I wish you wouldn't go, Jenny. JENNY I have to, Forrest. WESLEY Jenny? Things got a little out of hand. It's just this war and that, that lyin' son-of-a-bitch Johnson. I would never hurt you. You know that. FORREST You know what I think? I think you should go home to Greenbow. Alabama! JENNY Forrest, we have very different lives, you know. Forrest looks down at Jenny. He pulls his Medal of Honor from around his neck. FORREST I want you to have this. Forrest places the Medal of Honor in Jenny's hand. Jenny looks up at him. JENNY Forrest, I can't keep this. FORREST I got it just by doing what you told me to do. JENNY Why're you so good to me? FORREST You're my girl. JENNY I'll always be your girl. Jenny and Forrest hug each other. Wesley waits for Jenny. Jenny turns and walks up to Wesley. They walk toward the entrance of the bus. Forrest smiles as Jenny looks at her. Jenny climbs up into the bus. Wesley glares at Forrest. Forrest gives Wesley the "evil eye." Jenny through the near window of the bus, knocks on the window. Forrest turns and looks. Jenny waves to Forrest. Forrest looks up and smiles sadly. Jenny gives Forrest the peace sign as the bus pulls away. The sign on the back of the bus reads "Berkeley to D.C." Forrest gives Jenny the peace sign. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, she was gone out of my life again. INT. VETERANS ADMINISTRATION HOSPITAL/REC ROOM - DAY A footage of Neil Armstrong's first step on the moon on television. NEIL ARMSTRONG That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. The, uh, the surface is fine and powdery. I can, I can pick it up loosely. Forrest demonstrates a ping-pong to some wounded vets. FORREST (V.O.) I thought I was going back to Vietnam, but instead, they decided the best way for me to fight communists was to play ping-pong. So I was in the Special Services, traveling around the country cheering up all them wounded veterans and showing them how to play... BUS STOP - PRESENT - DAY Forrest looks at a man. FORREST ...ping-pong. I was so good that some years later... EXT. CHINA/PING-PONG TOURNAMENT - FLASHBACK - DAY Forrest plays ping-pong against a Chinese player. A large mural of Mao Tse-tung hangs on the wall. A crowd of communist leaders sit and watch. FORREST (V.O.) ...the Army decided I should be on the All-American Ping-Pong Team. We were the first Americans to visit the land of China in like a million years or something like that, and somebody said that world peace was in our hands. But all I did was play ping-pong. When I got home... BUS STOP - PRESENT - DAY FORREST ...I was national celebrity. Famouser even than Captain Kangaroo. Color footage of the DICK CAVETT Show. Dick Cavett stands up as he introduces Forrest. DICK CAVETT Here he is, Forrest Gump, right here. Forrest makes his way onto the stage, shakes hands with Dick Cavett. DICK CAVETT Mr. Gump, have a seat. Forrest sits down between JOHN LENNON and Dick Cavett. DICK CAVETT Forrest Gump, John Lennon. JOHN LENNON Welcome home. DICK CAVETT You had quite a trip. Can you, uh, tell us, uh, what was China like? John Lennon lights a cigarette. FORREST Well, in the land of China, people hardly got nothing at all. JOHN LENNON No possessions? FORREST And in China, they never go to church. JOHN LENNON No religion, too? DICK CAVETT Oh. Hard to imagine. JOHN LENNON Well, it's easy if you try, Dick. Forrest looks oddly at John Lennon. FORREST (V.O.) Some years later, that nice young man from England was on his way home to see his little boy and was signing some autographs. For no particular reason at all, somebody shot him. EXT. STUDIO - LATER A guard lets Forrest out a side entrance door. Forrest steps, an then stops as he hears s man sitting in a wheelchair speak to him. LT. DAN They gave you the Congressional Medal of Honor. FORREST Now that's Lieutenant Dan. Lieutenant Dan! Forrest looks at Lt. Dan. He is a dirty with long hair. LT. DAN They gave you the Congressional Medal of Honor! FORREST Yes sir, they sure did. LT. DAN They gave you an imbecile, a moron who goes on television and makes a fool out himself in front of the whole damn country, the Congressional Medal of Honor. FORREST Yes, sir. LT. DAN Well, then, that's just perfect! Yeah, well I just got one thing to say to that. Goddamn bless America. Lt. Dan's wheelchair begins to slide down the ramp and spins around on the icy ground. Forrest looks down at Lt. Dan crashes at the bottom of the ramp. FORREST Lieutenant Dan! EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS - NIGHT Taxi cabs crowd the street as Forrest pushes Lt. Dan along the sidewalk. FORREST (V.O.) Lieutenant Dan said he was living in a hotel. And because he didn't have no legs, he spent most of his time exercising his arms. LT. DAN Take a right, take a right. A taxi driver honks his horn as Forrest wheels Lt. Dan out in front of the taxi. TAXI DRIVER #1 Hey! Come on already! LT. DAN Ah! FORREST What are you doing here in New York, Lieutenant Dan? LT. DAN I'm living off the government tit. Sucking it dry. A taxi skids to a stop, almost hitting them as they cross the street. The taxi honks at Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan slaps the bumper of the taxi. LT. DAN Hey! Hey! Hey! Are you blind? I'm walking here! Ah, get out... TAXI DRIVER #2 Why don't you go home before you kill yourself? Get out of the way! LT. DAN Come on, go! Go! Go! EXT. LT. DAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER A Bob Hope Christmas special in Vietnam on television. Lt. Dan and Forrest watch the television. FORREST (V.O.) I stayed with Lieutenant Dan and celebrated the holidays. BOB HOPE You have a great year and hurry home. God bless you. LT. DAN Have you found Jesus yet, Gump? FORREST I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir. Lt. Dan chuckles, drinks the rest of a bottle of wine and tosses it down. He looks at Forrest. He wheels himself over to television and turns it off. LT. DAN That's all these cripples, down at the V.A., that's all they ever talk about. Lt. Dan picks up another bottle of port wine, but it is empty. He tosses it onto the floor. LT. DAN Jesus this and Jesus that. Have I found Jesus? They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening, but I have to help myself. Now, if I accept Jesus into my heart, I'll get to walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Lt. Dan tosses the empty liquor bottle down and picks another bottle. He becomes enraged as he throws the bottle and looks at Forrest. LT. DAN Did you hear what I said? Walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Well, kiss my crippled ass. God is listening. What a crock of shit. FORREST I'm going to heaven, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Huh? Ah, well, before you go, why don't you get your ass down to the corner and get us another bottle of wine. FORREST Yes, sir. INT. TIMES SQUARE BAR - NIGHT A television shows DICK CLARK as he emcees the Times Square New York Eve celebration. DICK CLARK We are at approximately 45th Street in New York City at One Astor Plaza. This is the site of the old Astor Hotel. Down below us, well over a hundred thousand people are milling about, cheering with horns and whistles and hats... LT. DAN What the hell's in Bayou La Batre? FORREST Shrimpin' boats. LT. DAN Shrimpin' boats? Who gives a shit about shrimpin' boats? FORREST I gotta buy me one of them shrimpin' boats as soon as I have some money. I made me a promise to Bubba in Vietnam, that as soon as the war was over, we'd go in partners. He'd be the captain of the shrimpin' boat and I'd be his first mate. But now that he's dead, that means that I gotta be the captain. LT. DAN A shrimp boat captain. FORREST Yes, sir. A promise is a promise, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Now hear this! Private Gump here is gonna be a shrimp boat captain. Well, I tell you what, Gilligan, the day that you are a shrimp boat captain, I will come and be your first mate. FORREST Okay. LT. DAN If you're ever a shrimp boat captain, that's the day I'm an astronaut. Two sleazy women, named LENORE and CARLA, walk up to Lt. Dan. LENORE Danny, what are you complaining about? CARLA What are you doing, huh? LENORE Mr. Hot Wheels. Who's your friend? FORREST My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump. LT. DAN This is Cunning Carla, and Long-Limbs Lenore. Carla puts a "Happy New Year" crown on Lt. Dan's head. Lenore fixes her makeup. CARLA So where you been, baby-cakes, huh? Haven't seen you around lately. You know, you should have been here for Christmas 'cause Tommy bought a round on the house and gave everybody a turkey sandwich. LT. DAN Well, well, I had, uh, company. LENORE Hey, hey! We was, we was just there. That's at Times Square. Lenore leans and speaks into Forrest's ear. LENORE Don't you just love New Year's? You get to start all over. CARLA Hey, Lenore. LENORE Everybody gets a second chance. FORREST (V.O.) It's funny, but in the middle of all that fun, I began to think about Jenny. DICK CLARK (on television) ...getting wild out there. It's beginning to... INT. APARTMENT/L.A. - NIGHT The New Year's Eve celebration over the T.V. DICK CLARK (over television) ...pour here in Times Square. It's been off-and-on all night, but these people hang in there. Jenny fills her bag with her belongings. FORREST (V.O.) Wondering how she was spending her New Year's night out in California. A man lies passed out on the bed. Jenny looks at her black eye in a mirror, then leaves the apartment. The TV shows the ball in Times Square. CROWD (over television) INT. TIMES SQUARE BAR - NIGHT The ball is lowered, lighting up a sign that reads "1972." CROWD (over television) ...1! Happy New Year! The people in the bar cheer and kiss each other. They blow horns and toss confetti into the air. Forrest looks around as Carla and Lenore lean over and kiss him. PATRONS (sing) "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind... FORREST Happy New Year, Lieutenant Dan! PATRONS (sing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne." INT. LT. DAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER Carla removes her top and sits on top of Dan in his wheelchair. They kiss and play around. Forrest sits in a chair. Lenore leaps on him and begins to kiss Forrest. She reaches down to Forrest's crotch. Forrest stands up nervously, causing Lenore to fall down on the floor. Lenore stands up, angry. LENORE What are you, stupid or something? What's your problem? What's his problem? Did you lose your pecker in the war or something? CARLA What, is your friend stupid or something? LT. DAN What did you say? CARLA I said, is your friend stupid or something? LT. DAN Hey! Don't call him stupid! Lt. Dan throws Carla back onto the bed. CARLA Don't push me like that! LENORE Hey, don't you push her! LT. DAN You shut up! Don't you ever call him stupid! CARLA What's the matter, baby? Why you treating me like shit? LT. DAN Get the hell out of here! LENORE You stupid gimp. You belong in "Ripley's Believe It Or Not." LT. DAN Get the hell out of here! Go on! LENORE You should be in a side show! LT. DAN Go on! Get out of here! Get out of here! LENORE You big loser! CARLA Come on, Lenore. We don't need this shit! LENORE You're so pathetic. LT. DAN Get out of here! Lt. Dan falls out of his wheelchair and lands down on the floor. Carla and Lenore laugh as they leave the apartment. CARLA You retard! LENORE You loser! You freak! Forrest tries to help Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan pushes Forrest away. LT. DAN No! Forrest steps back as Lt. Dan flips back over, then pulls himself back up onto his wheelchair. He breathes heavily. FORREST I'm sorry I ruined your New Year's Eve party, Lieutenant Dan. She tastes like cigarettes. FORREST (V.O.) I guess Lieutenant Dan figured there's some things you just can't change. He didn't want to be called crippled, just like I didn't want to be called stupid. LT. DAN Happy New Year. EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT An ANCHORMAN reports in front of the White House. ANCHORMAN The U.S. Ping-Pong Team met with President Nixon today at an Oval Office ceremony... FORREST (V.O.) And wouldn't you know it... PRESENT - BUS STOP Forrest looks at the fat man on the bus bench. FORREST ...a few months later they invited me and the ping-pong team to visit the White House. So I went again. And I met the President of the United States again. INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY A plaque, presented to Forrest, reads "Presented to Forrest Gump, member of the United States table tennis team as player of the year for 1971. President NIXON holds the plaque. FORREST (V.O.) Only this time they didn't get us rooms in a real fancy hotel. PRESIDENT NIXON So are you enjoying yourself in our national capital, young man? FORREST Yes, sir. PRESIDENT NIXON Well, where are you staying? FORREST It's called the Hotel Ebbott. PRESIDENT NIXON Oh, no, no, no, no. I know of a much nicer hotel. It's brand-new. Very modern. I'll have my people take care of it for you. INT. WATERGATE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Forrest speaks on the phone. SECURITY GUARD Security, Frank Wills. Forrest steps over to a window. Flashlights are moving around in an office across from Forrest's room. FORREST Yeah, sir, you might want to send a maintenance man over to that office across the way. The lights are off, and they must be looking for the fuse box or something, 'cause them flashlights they're, they're keeping me awake. SECURITY GUARD Okay, sir. I'll check it out. FORREST Thank you. SECURITY GUARD No problem. FORREST Good night. SECURITY GUARD Good night. Forrest hangs up the phone. The camera tilts down, revealing the hotel stationary, which reads "The Watergate Hotel." INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY President Nixon makes a resignation speech on TV. PRESIDENT NIXON (over television) Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. The television cuts to a shot of President Nixon standing outside Air Force One with his hands in the peace sign. PRESIDENT NIXON (over television) Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office. As I recall the high hopes for America with which we began this second term, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here in this office... Forrest is playing ping-pong by himself at the gymnasium. An officer steps up to him. OFFICER Sergeant Gump! FORREST Yes, sir! OFFICER As you were. I have your discharge papers. Your service is up, son. The officer hands Forrest an envelope, then walks away. FORREST Does this mean I can't play ping pong no more? OFFICER For the Army it does. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, my service in the United States Army was over. So I went home. Forrest takes his paddle and runs out of the gymnasium. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Mrs. Gump walks out of the house and smiles. Forrest walks up to the house, wearing his uniform. FORREST I'm home, Momma. MRS. GUMP I know, I know. INT. GUMP HOUSE Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk into the house. MRS. GUMP Louise, he's here. He's here, everybody. FORREST (V.O.) Now, when I got home, I had no idea that Momma had had all sorts of visitors. In the house are stacks of ping-pong paddles and life-sized cardboard cutouts of Forrest playing ping-pong. The name on the ping-pong paddles boxes reads: "Gump-Mao table tennis." MRS. GUMP We've had all sorts of visitors, Forrest. Everybody wants you to use their ping-pong stuff. One man even left a check for twenty-five thousand dollars if you'd be agreeable to saying you like using their paddle. FORREST Oh, Momma. I only like using my own paddle. Hi, Miss Louise. LOUISE Hey, Forrest. MRS. GUMP I know that. I know that. But it's twenty-five thousand dollars, Forrest. I thought maybe you could hold it for a while, see if it grows on you. Oh, you look good, Forrest. You look real good. FORREST (V.O.) That Momma, she sure was right. It's funny how things work out. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE/BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE - DAY Forrest walks up to a shack on the edge of the Bayou. A group of black kids play in the front yard. FORREST (V.O.) I didn't stay home for long, because I'd made a promise to Bubba. And I always try to keep my promise. So I went on down to Bayou La Batre to meet Bubba's family and make their introduction. Bubba's mother named MRS. BLUE and her other children look at Forrest. MRS. BLUE Are you crazy, or just plain stupid? FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs. Blue. MRS. BLUE I guess. EXT. BUBBA'S GRAVE - DAY Forrest steps over to Bubba's tombstone. FORREST (V.O.) And of course, I paid my respect to Bubba himself. FORREST Hey, Bubba, it's me, Forrest Gump. I remember everything you said, and I got it all figured out. Forrest pulls out notes from his pocket. FORREST I'm taking the twenty-four thousand, five hundred and six-two dollars and forty-seven cents that I got... EXT. BAYOU - DAY Forrest walks across a yard where men are cleaning shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) ...well, that's left after a new hair cut and a new suit and I took Momma out to real fancy dinner and I bought a bus ticket and three Doctor Peppers. Forrest walks along a wooden pier. Forrest pays an old black shrimper a large wad of cash. OLD SHRIMPER Tell me something. Are you stupid or something? FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, sir. EXT. BUBBA'S GRAVE Forrest stands at the grave. FORREST Well, that's what's left after me saying, "When I was in China on the All-America Ping-Pong Team, I just loved playing ping-pong with my Flex- O-Ping-Pong Paddle." Which everybody knows it isn't true, but Momma says it's just a little white lie so it wouldn't hurt nobody. So, anyway, I'm putting all that on gas, ropes and new nets and a brand-new shrimpin' boat. EXT. BAYOU - DAY Forrest steers his shrimping boat. The boat is old and rusty. Forrest unleashes his nets as his catch of the day drops to the deck. It is a bunch of garbage and shells. Forrest picks up one shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) Now, Bubba had told me everything he knows about shrimpin', but you know what I found out? Shrimpin' is tough. EXT. DOCKS Forrest pulls a couple of shrimp out of a bucket. FORREST I only caught five. OLD SHRIMPER A couple of more, you can have yourself a cocktail. The old shrimper begins to walk away, then stops and looks at Forrest. OLD SHRIMPER Hey, you ever think about namin' this old boat? FORREST (V.O.) I'd never named a boat before, but there was only one I could think of. Forrest paints a name on the side of his boat. The name is "Jenny." FORREST (V.O.) The most beautiful name in the wide world. INT. DISCO Disco lights flash and people dance. A guy asks a girl to dance. GIRL Okay. Jenny sits at a table with some other people. She is snorting cocaine. FORREST (V.O.) Now, I hadn't heard from Jenny in a long while. But... EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE - DAY Forrest stands at the helm as the boat glides across the water. FORREST (V.O.) But I thought about her a lot. And I hoped that whatever she was doing made her happy. INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Drug paraphernalia and a large wad of cash are spread out on a table. A man drops a syringe on the table. He reaches over and touches Jenny. She is pale with dark lines under her eyes. INT. BATHROOM Jenny smears some lines of cocaine on a mirror. She looks at herself in the mirror. EXT. BALCONY Jenny steps out onto the high-rise balcony. She steps up on a table and stands on the edge of the balcony. A busy street lies many stories below. Jenny looks down to the intersection below. She slips over the edge, regains her balance, turns and looks back at the intersection below, and begins to get down from the edge. Jenny grabs a hold of the ledge and carefully climbs down. She sits down on a chair. Jenny rocks back and forth as she cries. She looks up at the sky. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE/FORREST'S BOAT - NIGHT The moon shines above in the sky. Forrest lies in a hammock on his boat. FORREST (V.O.) I thought about Jenny all the time. EXT. FORREST'S BOAT/BAYOU DOCK - DAY Forrest stands at the helm of his boat and slowly glides by the docks. Forrest looks around and notices something and bends down to get a clear view. Lt. Dan sits in his wheelchair on the deck. Forrest looks at Lt. Dan. He smiles, surprised. FORREST Hi! Forrest leaps off of his moving boat and into the water. The boat continues as Forrest clumsily swims. Lt. Dan sits in his wheelchair at the edge of the dock. Forrest flails his arms as he swims up to the dock. Lt. Dan waits for Forrest, smoking a cigar. Forrest climbs up a ladder onto the dock. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, what are you doing here? LT. DAN Well, I thought I'd try out my sea legs. FORREST Well, you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Well, well, Captain Forrest Gump. I had to see this for myself. And I told you if you were ever a shrimp boat captain, that I'd be your first mate. Well, here I am. I am a man of my word. FORREST Okay. Forrest shakes Lt. Dan's hand. LT. DAN Yeah, but don't you be thinking that I'm gonna be calling you sir. FORREST No, sir. Forrest's boat glides, crushing a dock. Forrest and Lt. Dan look at it. FORREST That's my boat. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE WATERS - DAY Forrest's shrimping boat is alone on the gulf waters. LT. DAN I have a feeling if we head the east, we'll find some shrimp. So, take a left. Take a left. Forrest looks up. Lt. Dan is sitting in the rigging. FORREST Which way? LT. DAN Over there! They're over there! Get, get on the wheel and take a left! FORREST Okay. LT. DAN Gump, what are you doing? Take a left! Left! That's where we're gonna find those shrimp, my boy! That's where we'll find 'em. Forrest empties the net. Their "catch" is debris that falls to the deck. FORREST Still no shrimp, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Okay, so I was wrong. FORREST Well, how we gonna find them? LT. DAN Well, maybe you should just pray for shrimp. INT. SMALL CHURCH - DAY The all-black gospel choir sings and claps their hands. FORREST (V.O.) So I went to church every Sunday... Lt. Dan is sitting in his chair at the back of the church. He takes swigs from a liquor bottle. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes Lieutenant Dan came, too. Though I think he left the praying up to me. EXT. BOAT - ANOTHER DAY A catch of junk is dumped onto the deck. Lt. Dan lowers himself from the rigging. FORREST No shrimp. LT. DAN Where the hell's this God of yours? The wind begins to blow strong. FORREST (V.O.) It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that, 'cause right then, God showed up. EXT. BOAT - NIGHT Water sprays on deck during a hurricane. Lt. Dan on the rigging, shouts and shakes his fist as he is pelted by wind and rain. LT. DAN You'll never sink this boat! FORREST (V.O.) Now me, I was scared. But Lieutenant Dan, he was mad. LT. DAN Come on! You call this a storm? Forrest slides back and forth as he attempts to steer the boat. LT. DAN Blow, you son-of-a-bitch! Blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me. I'm right here. Come and get me! You'll never sink this boat! INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY An ANCHORMAN over TV, is standing in front of a pier. ANCHORMAN (over television) Hurricane Carmen came through here yesterday... EXT. BAYOU DOCKS - DAY The anchorman is standing in front of the ruined pier and boats. ANCHORMAN ...destroying nearly everything in its path. And as in other towns up and down the coast, Bayou La Batre's entire shrimping industry... INT. GUMP HOUSE ANCHORMAN ...has fallen victim to Carmen and has been left in utter ruin. Speaking with local officials, this reporter has learned, in fact, only one shrimping boat actually survived the storm. Forrest's boat comes down the river. MRS. GUMP Louise. Louise, there's Forrest! FORREST (V.O.) After that, shrimpin' was easy. FORREST'S BOAT - DAY Lt. Dan and Forrest empty their net. A huge catch of shrimp falls onto the deck. Lt. Dan opens another big catch. Another catch drops open on top of yet another huge catch. Forrest and Lt. Dan smile. FORREST (V.O.) And since people still needed them shrimps for shrimp cocktails and barbecues and all... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT The man sitting on the bench listens to Forrest. An ELDERLY WOMAN sits next to the man. FORREST ...and we were the only boat left standing "Bubba-Gump" shrimp's what they got. We got a whole bunch of boats. Twelve Jenny's, a big ol' warehouse, we even have hats that says "Bubba-Gump" on 'em. "Bubba- Gump Shrimp." It's a household name. MAN Hold on there, boy. Are you telling me you're the owner of the Bubba- Gump Shrimp Corporation? FORREST Yes, sir. We've got more money than Davy Crocket. MAN Boy, I've heard some whoppers in my time, but that tops them all. We was sitting next to a millionaire! The man laughs as he walks away. ELDERLY WOMAN Well, I thought it was a very lovely story. And you tell it so well. With such enthusiasm. FORREST Would you like to see what Lieutenant Dan looks like? ELDERLY WOMAN Well, yes, I would! Forrest shows her the cover of a "Fortune" magazine with Forrest and Lt. Dan on the cover. FORREST That's him right there. The elderly woman looks at the magazine and at Forrest with surprise. FORREST And let me tell you something about Lieutenant Dan. EXT. BOAT/DECK - DAY Forrest and Lt. Dan are working on the boat. LT. DAN Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life. Forrest looks a little surprised. Lt. Dan smiles, then looks away. Lt. Dan pulls himself out of his chair to the railing and jumps into the water. FORREST (V.O.) He never actually said so, but I think he made his peace with God. EXT. BOAT Forrest and Lt. Dan have dinner on the deck. The television shows an assassination attempt on President Gerald Ford. ANCHORMAN (over television) For the second time in seventeen days, President Ford escaped possible assassination today when a woman, Sarah Jane Moore, fired on him as he stepped out of a hotel in San Francisco. MARGO (over radio) Base to Jenny One. Base to Jenny One. LT. DAN Jenny One, go Margo. MARGO (over radio) Forrest has a phone call. LT. DAN Yeah, well you'll have to tell them to call him back. He is indisposed at the moment. MARGO (over radio) His momma's sick. ANCHORMAN (over television) Lynett Alice Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson better known as "Squeaky," attempted to assassinate the President as he was... Forrest dives into the water as he reacts. EXT. ROAD/GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest carries a suitcase as he runs down the road. Forrest runs past the row of mailboxes and turns into the drive. Louise and others are on the front porch. FORREST Where's Momma? LOUISE She's upstairs. INT. GUMP HOUSE - WOMAN'S BED ROOM Forrest opens the door, the doctor stands next to Mrs. Gump in bed. MRS. GUMP Hi, Forrest. DOCTOR I'll see you tomorrow. MRS. GUMP Oh, all right. The doctor looks down at Forrest's legs. DOCTOR We sure got you straightened out, didn't we, boy? The doctor leaves and closes the door. Forrest takes off his hat and steps over to her. FORREST What's the matter, Momma? MRS. GUMP I'm dyin', Forrest. Come on in, sit down over here. FORREST Why are you dyin', Momma? MRS. GUMP It's my time. It's just my time. Oh, now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart. Death is just a part of life. It's something we're all destined to do. I didn't know it, but I was destined to be your momma. I did the best I could. FORREST You did good, Momma. MRS. GUMP Well, I happened to believe you make your own destiny. You have to do the best with what God gave you. FORREST What's my destiny, Momma? MRS. GUMP You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Life is a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. MRS. GUMP I will miss you, Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) She had got the cancer and died on a Tuesday. I bought her a new hat with little flowers on it. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT The elderly woman and Forrest sit. The woman is crying and wipes her eyes with a hankie. FORREST And that's all I have to say about that. A bus stops. Forrest looks at the elderly woman. FORREST Didn't you say you were waiting for the Number Seven bus? ELDERLY WOMAN There'll be another one along shortly. FORREST Now, because I had been a football star, and a war hero, and a national celebrity, and a shrimpin' boat captain, and a college graduate, the city of fathers of Greenbow, Alabama, decided to get together and offered me a fine job. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY Forrest rides a lawn tractor as he moves the football field lawn. FORREST (V.O.) So, I never went back to work for Lieutenant Dan. EXT. GUMP HOUSE MAILBOXES Forrest takes out a letter and opens it. FORREST (V.O.) Though he did take care of my Bubba- Gump money. He got me invested in some kind of fruit company. And so then I got a call from him saying we don't have to worry about money no more. EXT. BUS STOP FORREST And I said, "That's good. One less thing." INT. CHURCH - DAY The choir and members are singing. FORREST (V.O.) Now, Momma said there's only so much fortune a man really needs... EXT. CHURCH The sign reads: "Four Square Baptist Church." A new cross is placed on the steeple. New furniture is taken inside. REVEREND Praise the Lord. FORREST (V.O.) ...and the rest is just for showing off. So, I gave a whole bunch of it to the Four Square Gospel Church. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY The sign reads: "Gump Medical Center Bayou La Batre, Alabama." The ribbon-cutting ceremony. FORREST (V.O.) And I gave a whole bunch to the Bayou La Batre Fishing Hospital. EXT. BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE A postman delivers a letter to Bubba's mom. She opens the letter. FORREST (V.O.) And even though Bubba was dead, and Lieutenant Dan said I was nuts. I gave Bubba's mommy Bubba's share. She is surrounded by her many children. She looks at the check and faints. EXT. BUS STOP FORREST And you know what... INT. FLORIDA CONDO A door opens as a white woman serves Bubba's mom some shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) She didn't have to work in nobody's kitchen no more. MRS. BLUE Smells wonderful! EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD Forrest rides the mower. FORREST (V.O.) And 'cause I was godzillionaire and I liked doing it so much. I cut that grass for free. EXT. GUMP HOUSE BALCONY - NIGHT Forrest looks down the road as he steps onto the porch. FORREST (V.O.) But at nighttime, when there was nothing to do and the house was all empty, I'd always think of Jenny. Jenny's image walks, then vanishes. Forrest looks away. He turns and walks into the house. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Jenny walks across the lawn to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) And then, she was there. JENNY Hello, Forrest. FORREST Hello, Jenny. FORREST (V.O.) Jenny came back and stayed with me. INT. GUMP HOUSE Jenny lies asleep in bed. FORREST (V.O.) Maybe it was because she had nowhere else to go. Or maybe it was because she was so tired, because she went to bed and slept and slept like she hadn't slept in years. It was wonderful having her home. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Forrest and Jenny walking. FORREST (V.O.) Every day we'd take a walk, and I'd jabber on like a monkey in a tree. And she'd listen about ping-pong and shrimpin' boats and Momma makin' a trip to heaven. I did all the talkin'. Jenny most of the time was real quiet. FORREST ...big ol' gobs of rain and little bitty stinging rain and rain... Jenny's old house stands at the end of the dirt road. It appears to be deserted. Jenny walks toward the house and stops. She stares at the house. Forrest walks toward Jenny. Jenny suddenly heaves a rock angrily at the house. She throws other things at the house. JENNY How could you do this? She breaks a window. Jenny collapses to the ground and sobs. Forrest knees down next to her. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks. EXT. OLD OAK TREE - DAY Jenny and Forrest sit on a limb together. FORREST (V.O.) I never really knew why she came back, but I didn't care. It was like olden times. We was like peas and carrots again. INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Jenny sits by the vase of flowers and look out the window. FORREST (V.O.) Every day I'd pick pretty flowers and put them in her room for her. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest closes his eyes as he sits on the porch. Jenny places a box of Nike running shoes in his lap. FORREST (V.O.) And she gave me the best gift anyone could ever get in the wide world. JENNY Okay, you can open your eyes. FORREST New shoes. JENNY They make them just for running. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Through the windows, Forrest and Jenny are dancing as it rains outside. FORREST (V.O.) And she even showed me how to dance. And, well, we was like family... Jenny and me. EXT. RIVER - NIGHT Jenny and Forrest sit on a log together and look at the river. Jenny places her arms around Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) And it was the happiest time of my life. The fireworks explode in the sky. INT. GUMP'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Statue of Liberty is shown on the TV. Fireworks go off. Forrest and Jenny are watching the 4th of July celebration on TV. ANNOUNCER (over television) And this Fourth is witnessing one of the largest fireworks displays in the nation's two-hundred year history... JENNY You done watching it? FORREST Mm-hmm. ANNOUNCER (over television) ...here in New York Harbor. After the spectacular display of tall ships earlier, the Statue of Liberty... Jenny stands up and kisses Forrest on the cheek. JENNY I'm going to bed. Jenny turns off the TV and walks outside. Forrest stands as he puts down his Dr. Pepper. Jenny walks toward the stairs. FORREST Will you marry me? I'd make a good husband, Jenny. JENNY You would, Forrest. FORREST But you won't marry me. JENNY You don't want to marry me. FORREST Why don't you love me, Jenny? I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is. Forrest turns and walks toward the door. Jenny turns and walks up the stairs. Forrest stands outside. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT The house stands in the rain. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest lies in his bed as the door opens. Jenny gets into bed next to Forrest. FORREST Jenny? JENNY Forrest, I do love you. Jenny and Forrest kiss. Jenny takes off her nightgown as they make love. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Jenny carries her purse and walks toward a waiting cab. CAB DRIVER Where are you running off to? JENNY I'm not running. INT. GUMP HOUSE The cab drives away as Forrest is asleep in his bed. The Congressional Medal lies on a table by a ping-pong paddle. Forrest holds a glass of milk and wears his bathrobe. He looks at the medal he had give to Jenny. Jenny's bed is made. Forrest stands in the doorway looking at the room and bed where Jenny had been. EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY Forrest sit on a rocking chair with his running shoes on. He is still, as if in a trance. He slowly puts on his Bubba- Gump cap. Forrest stands. He walks off the porch. He begins to jog across the lawn. His speed increases as he runs farther away. Forrest runs down the drive away from his house. FORREST (V.O.) That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. Forrest runs to the end of the drive, then turns right and runs down the highway. FORREST (V.O.) So I ran to the end of the road, and when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY The three men sit as they watch the television. Forrest runs through the main street of town. NEWSCASTER President Carter, suffering from heat exhaustion fell into the arms of security agents. FORREST (V.O.) And when I got there... EXT. ALABAMA ROAD The sign reads "Entering Greenbow County." FORREST (V.O.) ...I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great... Forrest runs by a sign that reads "Mississippi welcomes you. The Magnolia State." FORREST (V.O.) ...state of Alabama. And that's what I did I ran clear across Alabama. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST For no particular reason, I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. EXT. SANTA MONICA - DAY The sign reads "Santa Monica yacht harbor sports fishing - boating - cafes." Forrest runs under the sign and onto the pier. FORREST (V.O.) And when I got there, I figured since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN Forrest runs to a pier at the Atlantic Ocean. FORREST (V.O.) When I got to another ocean, I figured since I've gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going. Forrest runs across the pier. A lighthouse stands at the end of the pier. FORREST (V.O.) When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST When I had to go, you know, I went. ELDERLY WOMAN And so, you just ran? FORREST Yeah. EXT. HIGHWAY Forrest is running along the highway. Forrest runs down a road between field of wheat. A Mountain river. Forrest runs across a cobble-stone bridge. The Rocky Mountains are behind him in distance. Forrest runs through some meadowland. Split rail fences line the road. FORREST (V.O.) I'd think a lot about Momma and Bubba, and Lieutenant Dan, but most of all, I thought about Jenny. I thought about her a lot. EXT. BARBER SHOP The three men in the barber shop watch the news on television. NEWSCASTER For more than two years now, a man named Forrest Gump, a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama, stopping only to sleep, has been running across America. INT. COFFEE SHOP Jenny fills customer's coffee cups. NEWSCASTER Charles Cooper brings us this report. NEWSMAN For the fourth time on his journey across America, Forrest Gump, a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama, is about to cross the Mississippi River again today. The TV shows Forrest runs across a bridge that reads "Mississippi River." JENNY I'll be damned. Forrest... EXT. MISSISSIPPI BRIDGE NEWSMAN Sir, why are you running? 1ST REPORTER Why are you running? 2ND REPORTER Are you doing this for world peace? 3RD REPORTER Are you doing this for women's right? NEWSMAN Or for the environment? REPORTER Or for animals? 3RD REPORTER Or for nuclear arms? FORREST (V.O.) They just couldn't believe that somebody would do all that running for no particular reason. 2ND REPORTER Why are you doing this? FORREST I just felt like running. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST I just left like running. EXT. SMALL EASTERN TOWN Forrest runs as a YOUNG MAN runs up to him. YOUNG MAN It's you. I can't believe it's really you. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST Now, for some reason what I was doing seemed to make sense to people. EXT. SMALL EASTERN TOWN The young man jobs behind Forrest. YOUNG MAN I mean, it was like an alarm went off in my head, you know. I said, here's a guy that's got his act together. Here's somebody who's got it, all figured out. Here's somebody who has the answer. I'll follow you anywhere, Mr. Gump. FORREST (V.O.) So, I got company. Forrest runs up a slope on a high mountain road. A group of people are jogging behind him. FORREST (V.O.) And after that I got more company. And then... A large group jogs behind Forrest across the desert road. FORREST (V.O.) ...even more people joined in. Somebody later told me... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST ...it gave people hope. Now... Now, I don't know anything about that, but... Forrest and his followers job through a small town. A man runs up and talks to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) Some of those people asked me if I could help them out. AGING HIPPIE Hey, man, hey, listen. I was wondering if you might help me, huh? Listen, I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think up a good slogan. And since you have been such a big inspiration to the people around here, I thought you might be able to help me jump into... Whoa! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dogshit! The hippie jumps over the "dogshit" as he runs along Forrest. FORREST It happens. AGING HIPPIE What, shit? FORREST Sometimes. The hippie stops to ponder this profound thought. FORREST (V.O.) And some years later I heard that fella did come up with a bumper sticker slogan... A bumper sticker reads "Shit Happens." FORREST (V.O.) ...and he make a lot of money off of it. The truck with the bumper sticker drives into an intersection. It collides with a car. EXT. TRUCK STOP Forrest runs, followed by his group, as a man runs up to him. FORREST (V.O.) Another time I was running along, somebody who had lost all his money in the T-shirt business, and he wanted to put my face on a T-shirt, but he couldn't draw that well and he didn't have a camera. WILD-EYED MAN I think it would be really fortunate for me if I could get your name on these, oh, your face and name on these T-shirts. It would be wonderful. A truck splashes mud onto Forrest as it goes by. The man hands Forrest a yellow T-shirt to use as a rag to wipe the mud off. WILD-EYED MAN Here, use this one. Nobody likes that color anyway. Forrest wipes his face on the towel and hands it back to the man. FORREST Have a nice day. The man looks at the T-shirt. He holds it up displaying the "Happy Face." FORREST (V.O.) And some years later I found out that that man did come up with a idea for a T-shirt and he made a lot of money off of it. EXT. MONUMENT VALLEY Forrest runs with a group that follows behind him. FORREST (V.O.) Anyway, like I was saying, I had a lot of company. My Momma always said you got to put the past behind you before you can move on. And I think that's what my running was all about. I had run for three years, two months, fourteen days, and sixteen hours. Forrest stops running. The group stops behind him. Forrest stands and looks as the group waits expectantly. Forrest turns and look. YOUNG MAN Quiet. Quiet, he's gonna say something. FORREST I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go home now. Forrest walks toward the group. The group parts for Forrest as he walks down the middle of the road. YOUNG MAN Now what are we supposed to do? FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, my running days was over. So, I went home to Alabama. A television shows President Reagan and his staff as they react to gunshots in front of a limo. NEWSCASTER (over television) Moments ago, at two twenty-five p.m., as President Reagan was leaving the Washington Hilton Hotel... INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest sits eating a sandwich, watching the news of the assassination attempt. NEWSCASTER ...five or six gunshots were fired by an unknown would-be assassin. The President was shot in the chest and the assailant was immediately tackled by a half a dozen lawmen. As the Presidential... LOUISE I picked up the mail. FORREST Oh, thank you, Miss, Miss Louise. FORREST (V.O.) One day, out of the blue clear sky, I got a letter from Jenny... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT Forrest takes the letter out of his pocket. FORREST ...wondering if I could come down to Savannah to see her, and that's what I'm doing here. She saw me on TV, running, I'm supposed to go on the Number Nine bus to Richmond Street and get off and go one block left to 1-9-4-7 Henry Street, Apartment 4. The elderly woman looks at the letter. ELDERLY WOMAN Why, you don't need to take a bus. Henry Street is just five or six blocks down that way. FORREST Down that way? ELDERLY WOMAN Down that way. Forrest hastily grabs his suitcase and letter as he stands. FORREST It was nice talking' to you. Forrest runs, the elderly woman shouts from the bus stop bench. A truck honks its horn as Forrest runs across the street past the truck. ELDERLY WOMAN I hope everything works out for you. INT. JENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jenny opens the door. JENNY Hey! Forrest! How you doing? FORREST Hi. JENNY Come in. Come in. FORREST I got your letter. JENNY Oh, I was wondering about that. Jenny shuts the door. Forrest looks around. FORREST Is this your house? JENNY Yeah, it's messy right now. I just got off work. FORREST It's nice. You got air conditioning. Forrest hands Jenny the box of chocolates. FORREST Ah... JENNY Thank you. FORREST I ate some. Jenny picks up a scrapbook and turns the pages. JENNY Hey, I kept, I kept a scrapbook of your, of your clippings and everything. There you are. This, I got your running. FORREST I ran a long way. For a long time. JENNY There. Listen, Forrest. I don't know how to say this. Um, I just... I want to apologize for anything that I ever did to you, 'cause I was messed up for a long time, and... There is a knock at the door. LYNN MARIE enters as she opens the door. LYNN MARIE Yoo-hoo. JENNY Hey. LYNN MARIE Hi. Jenny grabs a young boy. JENNY Hey, you. This is an old friend from Alabama. LYNN MARIE Oh, how do you do? JENNY Ah, listen, next week my schedule changes, so I'll be able to... but thanks for picking up. LYNN MARIE No problem. Got to go, Jen. I'm double parked. JENNY Okay. Lynn Marie closes the door and waves bye to Forrest. LYNN MARIE Bye. JENNY Thanks. This is very good friend, Mr. Gump. Can you say hi to him? LITTLE BOY Hello, Mr. Gump. FORREST Hello. LITTLE BOY Now, can I go watch TV now? JENNY Yes, you can. Just keep it low. The little boy runs into other room and picks up TV remote control. FORREST You're a momma, Jenny. JENNY I'm a momma. His name is Forrest. FORREST Like me. JENNY I named him after his Daddy. FORREST He got a daddy named Forrest, too? JENNY You're his daddy, Forrest. Forrest continues to stare at Forrest Jr. Forrest then looks frightened and starts to back away. JENNY Hey, Forrest, look at me. Look at me, Forrest. There's nothing you need to do, okay? You didn't do anything wrong. Okay? Jenny turns and looks at Forrest Jr. in the other room. JENNY Isn't he beautiful? FORREST He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But... is, is he smart, or is he... JENNY He's very smart. He's one of the smartest in his class. Forrest breathes deep. He looks at Jenny, then at Forrest Jr. JENNY Yeah, it's okay. Go talk to him. Forrest walks into the room and sits down next to Forrest Jr. "Sesame Street" is on the TV. BERT Oh, great. ERNIE Hey, Bert, can you give me a hand? BERT A hand? Well, yeah, what do you want, Ernie? FORREST What are you watching. FORREST JR. Bert and Ernie. ERNIE Well, it's the first stage. Bert. It's planning to write a story, Bert. I have pencils right here to write with, Bert. Now, we got, uh, paper. I'll take that paper, Bert. See, we have the paper to write on. EXT. PARK - DAY Forrest and Jenny sit on a bench. Forrest Jr. swings behind them. JENNY Forrest, I'm sick. FORREST What, do you have a cough due to cold? JENNY I have some kind virus. And the doctors don't, they don't know what it is. And there isn't anything they can do about it. FORREST You could come home with me. Jenny, you and little Forrest could come stay at my house in Greenbow. I'll take care of you if you're sick. JENNY Would you marry me, Forrest? FORREST Okay. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY A group has gathered on the lawn for the wedding. Louise walks up to Forrest. MINISTER Please take your seats. LOUISE Forrest, it's time to start. Jenny walks out of the house. Forrest walks over to greet her. She wears a white dress. She walks up to Forrest and adjusts his necktie. JENNY Hi. Your tie. Lt. Dan is walking across the lawn. He uses a cane. A WOMAN is walking next to him. FORREST Lieutenant Dan? Lieutenant Dan! LT. DAN Hello, Forrest. Jenny walks over to Forrest and Lt. Dan. FORREST You got new legs. New legs! LT. DAN Yeah, I got new legs. Lt. Dan lifts his pant leg to display his metal leg. LT. DAN Custom-made titanium alloy. It's what they use on the space shuttle. FORREST Magic legs. LT. DAN This is my fiancee, Susan. FORREST Lieutenant Dan! Susan shakes Forrest's hand. SUSAN Hi, Forrest. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, this is my Jenny. JENNY Hey, it's nice to meet you, finally. Jenny steps forward and kisses Lt. Dan's cheek. The group is seated as they watch Forrest and Jenny take vows on the front lawn. Forrest Jr. stands next to Jenny. MINISTER Do you, Forrest, take Jenny to be your wife? Do you, Jenny, take Forrest to be your husband? If so, I pronounce you man and wife. The wind blows fallen leaves across the ground. Jenny, Forrest, and Forrest Jr. walk toward the house. They all hold hands as they walk. INT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Forrest steps into Jenny's bedroom. He carries a tray with breakfast on it. Forrest looks at Jenny as she sleeps. Slowly she wakes up and looks at Forrest. FORREST Hey. JENNY Hey. Forrest sets the tray down next to Jenny as she sits up in bed. Forrest opens a window, then sits down next to the bed. JENNY Hey, Forrest, were you scared in Vietnam? FORREST Yes. Well, I, I don't know. EXT. VIETNAM - FLASHBACK - NIGHT Forrest looks up into the sky as the rain stops. Forrest removes his helmet. The stars emerge from behind the clouds. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out. And then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou... EXT. BAYOU - FLASHBACK - SUNSET Forrest stands on his boat and looks at a deep orange and red sunset. FORREST (V.O.) There was over a million sparkles on the water. Like that mountain lake. EXT. MOUNTAIN LAKE - FLASHBACK - DAY Forrest runs along a highway. A lake reflects the mountains and the sky. FORREST (V.O.) It was so clear, Jenny. It looks like there were two skies, one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up... EXT. DESERT - FLASHBACK - SUNRISE Forrest runs along a desert highway. The morning light casts an orange glow over the desert. FORREST (V.O.) I couldn't tell where heavens stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful. INT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Forrest looks at Jenny. Jenny looks out the window. JENNY I wish I could have been there with you. FORREST You were. Jenny reaches over and takes Forrest's hand. JENNY I love you. FORREST (V.O.) You died on a Saturday morning. EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE AT OLD OAK TREE - DAY Forrest stands under the old oak tree where Jenny has been buried. FORREST And I had you placed here under our tree. Jenny's grave marker. Forrest tries to hold back his tears. FORREST And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground. EXT. JENNY'S OLD HOUSE - DAY Forrest watches as Jenny's dad's house is knocked down by a bulldozer. FORREST (V.O.) Momma... EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE FORREST ...always said dyin' was a part of life. Jenny's grave marker reads: JENNY GUMP July 16, 1945 -- March 22, 1982 Beloved Mother, Wife and Friend FORREST I sure wish it wasn't. Little Forrest, he's doing just fine. INT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest Jr. reads a book to Forrest sitting next to him. FORREST JR. (reading) "But he wasn't quite sure. Everywhere they went, the new guests... FORREST (V.O.) About to start school again soon. I make his breakfast, lunch, and dinner... EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE Forrest looks down as he sobs. FORREST ...every day. I make sure he combs his hair and brushes his teeth every day. Teaching him how to play ping pong. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest tries to teach Forrest Jr. how to play ping-pong. FORREST Okay... FORREST (V.O.) He's really good. FORREST Forrest, you go. Forrest Jr. serves the ball, causing Forrest dive and miss it. EXT. GUMP HOUSE/RIVER - DAY Forrest and Forrest Jr. sit on a log by the river and fish. FORREST (V.O.) We fish a lot. EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE Forrest looks down at the grave marker. FORREST And every night, we read a book. He's so smart, Jenny. You'd be so proud of him. I am. He, uh, wrote a letter, and he says I can't read it. I'm not supposed to, so I'll just leave it here for you. Forrest places the letter down at the grave marker, next to fresh flowers. The name on the envelope reads: "Mom." Forrest steps back and looks down at the grave. FORREST Jenny, I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away. As Forrest walks away, a flock of birds flies overhead and lands in the tree. Forrest turns and watches. EXT. ROAD - MORNING Forrest walks with Forrest Jr. for the bus. The bus drives toward them. FORREST Here's your bus. Okay. Forrest pulls "Curious George" out of Forrest Jr.'s backpack. FORREST Hey, I know this. FORREST JR. I'm gonna show that for show-and- tell because grandma used to read it to you. Forrest looks at the book. The feather from the beginning of the movie drops out of the book, unnoticed. FORREST My favorite book. The bus comes to a stop. The door opens. FORREST Well... Forrest puts the book back into Forrest Jr.'s backpack and hands it to him. FORREST ...okay. Hey, there you go. Forrest Jr. walks toward the bus. Forrest stands up. FORREST Hey, Forrest. Don't... I wanted to tell you I love you. FORREST JR. I love you too, Daddy. FORREST I'll be right here when you get back. Forrest Jr. looks into the bus and at the bus driver. It is the same bus driver, only older now, who drove Forrest to school when he was a young boy. SCHOOLD BUS DRIVER You understand this is the bus to school now, don't you? FORREST JR. Of course, and you're Dorothy Harris and I'm Forrest Gump. Forrest Jr. looks over and waves to his father. Forrest nods approvingly. Forrest Jr. gets on the bus. The bus pulls away. Forrest stands next to the mailbox. Forrest sits down. The camera cranes down, revealing the feather as it lies at Forrest's feet. A gust of wind picks the feather up. The feather floats up into the air. Forrest sits at the side of the road. The feather floats higher into the air. The feather soars up into the sky and travels up and down, then covers the camera lens. THE END"FORREST GUMP" Screenplay by Eric Roth Based on a novel by Winston Groom EXT. A SAVANNAH STREET - DAY (1981) A feather floats through the air. The falling feather. A city, Savannah, is revealed in the background. The feather floats down toward the city below. The feather drops down toward the street below, as people walk past and cars drive by, and nearly lands on a man's shoulder. He walks across the street, causing the feather to be whisked back on its journey. The feather floats above a stopped car. The car drives off right as the feather floats down toward the street. The feather floats under a passing car, then is sent flying back up in the air. A MAN sits on a bus bench. The feather floats above the ground and finally lands on the man's mudsoaked shoe. The man reached down and picks up the feather. His name is FORREST GUMP. He looks at the feather oddly, moves aside a box of chocolates from an old suitcase, then opens the case. Inside the old suitcase are an assortment of clothes, a pingpong paddle, toothpaste and other personal items. Forrest pulls out a book titled "Curious George," then places the feather inside the book. Forrest closes the suitcase. Something in his eyes reveals that Forrest may not be all there. Forrest looks right as the sound of an arriving bus is heard. A bus pulls up. Forrest remains on the bus bench as the bus continues on. A BLACK WOMAN in a nurse's outfit steps up and sits down at the bus bench next to Forrest. The nurse begins to read a magazine as Forrest looks at her. FORREST Hello. My name's Forrest Gump. He opens a box of chocolates and holds it out for the nurse. FORREST You want a chocolate? The nurse shakes her head, a bit apprehensive about this strange man next to her. FORREST I could eat about a million and a half of these. My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Forrest eats a chocolate as he looks down at the nurse's shoes. FORREST Those must be comfortable shoes. I'll bet you could walk all day in shoes like that and not feel a thing. I wish I had shoes like that. BLACK WOMAN My feet hurt. FORREST Momma always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. Where they're going. Where they've been. The black woman stares at Forrest as he looks down at his own shoes. FORREST I've worn lots of shoes. I bet if I think about it real hard I could remember my first pair of shoes. Forrest closes his eyes tightly. FORREST Momma said they'd take my anywhere. INT. COUNTRY DOCTOR'S OFFICE - GREENBOW, ALABAMA - DAY (1951) A little boy closes his eyes tightly. It is young Forrest as he sits in a doctor's office. FORREST (V.O.) She said they was my magic shoes. Forrest has been fitted with orthopedic shoes and metal leg braces. DOCTOR All right, Forrest, you can open your eyes now. Let's take a little walk around. The doctor sets Forrest down on its feet. Forrest walks around stiffly. Forrest's mother, MRS. GUMP, watches him as he clanks around the room awkwardly. DOCTOR How do those feel? His legs are strong, Mrs. Gump. As strong as I've ever seen. But his back is as crooked as a politician. Forrest walks foreground past the doctor and Mrs. Gump. DOCTOR But we're gonna straighten him right up now, won't we, Forrest? A loud thud is heard as, outside, Forrest falls. MRS. GUMP Forrest! EXT. GREENBOW, ALABAMA Mrs. Gump and young Forrest walk across the street. Forrest walks stiffly next to his mother. FORREST (V.O.) Now, when I was a baby, Momma named me after the great Civil War hero, General Nathan Bedford Forrest... EXT. RURAL ALABAMA A black and white photo of General Nathan Bedford Forrest. The photo turns into live action as the General dons a hooded sheet over his head. The General is in full Ku Klux Klan garb, including his horse. The General rides off, followed by a large group of Klan members dressed in full uniform. FORREST (V.O.) She said we was related to him in some way. And, what he did was, he started up this club called the Ku Klux Klan. They'd all dress up in their robes and their bedsheets and act like a bunch of ghosts or spooks or something. They'd even put bedsheets on their horses and ride around. And anyway, that's how I got my name. Forrest Gump. EXT. GREENBOW Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk across the street. FORREST (V.O.) Momma said that the Forrest part was to remind me that sometimes we all do things that, well, just don't make no sense. Forrest stops suddenly as his brace gets stuck. Forrest's brace is caught in a gutter grate. Mrs. Gump bends down and tries to free Forrest. Two old cronies sit in front of a barber shop and watch. MRS. GUMP Just wait, let me get it. Mrs. Gump struggles to pull the stuck brace from the grate. MRS. GUMP Let me get it. Wait, get it this way. Hold on. Forrest pulls his foot out of the grate. MRS. GUMP All right. Mrs. Gump helps Forrest up onto the sidewalk. She looks up and notices the two old man. MRS. GUMP Oooh. All right. What are you all staring at? Haven't you ever seen a little boy with braces on his legs before? Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along the sidewalk past the two old men. Mrs. Gump holds tightly onto Forrest's hand. MRS. GUMP Don't ever let anybody tell you they're better than you, Forrest. If God intended everybody to be the same, he'd have given us all braces on our legs. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. EXT. OAK ALLEY/THE GUMP BOARDING HOUSE Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along a dirt road. A row of mailboxes stands left. FORREST (V.O.) We lived about a quarter mile of Route 17, about a half mile from the town of Greenbow, Alabama. That's in the county of Greenbow. Our house had been in Momma's family since her grandpa's grandpa's grandpa had come across the ocean about a thousand years ago. Something like that. Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along the Gump Boarding House driveway. FORREST (V.O.) Since it was just me and Momma and we had all these empty rooms, Momma decided to let those rooms out. Mostly to people passing through. Like from, oh, Mobile, Montgomery, place like that. That's how me and Mommy got money. Mommy was a real smart lady. MRS. GUMP Remember what I told you, Forrest. You're no different than anybody else is. Mrs. Gump heads Forrest to the porch. She bends down to look Forrest in the eye. MRS. GUMP Did you hear what I said, Forrest? You're the same as everybody else. You are no different. INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL / PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY PRINCIPAL Your boy's... different, Mrs. Gump. Now, his I.Q. is seventy-five. MRS. GUMP Well, we're all different, Mr. Hancock. The principal sighs, then stands up. INT. HALLWAY Forrest sits outside the principal's office and waits. FORREST (V.O.) She wanted me to have the finest education, so she took me to the Greenbow County Central School. I met the principal and all. The principal stands in front of Mrs. Gump. Forrest, sitting left, listens. PRINCIPAL I want to show you something, Mrs. Gump. Now, this is normal. The principal holds up a chart with a designations according to I.Q. and points to the center of the graph, labeled "Normal." A red line below the normal area is labeled "State Acceptance." The principal points to the section below the acceptance line labeled "Below." PRINCIPAL Forrest is right here. The state requires a minimum I.Q. of eighty to attend public school, Mrs. Gump. He's gonna have to go to a special school. Now, he'll be just fine. MRS. GUMP What does normal mean, anyway? He might be a bit on the slow side, but my boy Forrest is going to get the same opportunities as everyone else. He's not going to some special school to learn to how to re-tread tires. We're talking about five little points here. There must be something can be done. INT. HALLWAY Forrest sits outside the principal's office. PRINCIPAL We're a progressive school system. We don't want to see anybody left behind. INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE PRINCIPAL Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump? MRS. GUMP He's on vacation. EXT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest sits on a swing outside the house. Loud organic male grunts are heard coming from inside the house. Forrest sits on the swing as the grunts continue. The principal steps out of the Gump House and wipes the sweat from his face. Forrest is sitting on the porch. PRINCIPAL Well, your momma sure does care about your schooling, son. Mm-mm-mm. The principal wipes the sweat from his neck, then looks back at Forrest. PRINCIPAL You don't say much, do you? Forrest grunts, imitating him. The principal, embarrassed, turns and walks away. INT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE/FORREST'S BEDROOM Mrs. Gump reads from the book "Curious George" as Forrest sits on the bed and listens. MRS. GUMP Finally, he had to try it. It looked easy, but, oh, what happened. First there... FORREST Momma, what's vacation mean? MRS. GUMP Vacation? FORREST Where Daddy went? MRS. GUMP Vacation's when you go somewhere, and you don't ever come back. Forrest lies down on his bed and looks up. FORREST (V.O.) Anyway, I guess you could say me and Momma was on our own. EXT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE - DAY A cab driver closes the trunk of the car as two women walk toward the house. A milkman steps down from the porch. FORREST (V.O.) But we didn't mind. Our house was never empty. There was always folks comin' and goin'. MRS. GUMP (V.O.) Suppa. INT. GUMP BOARDING HOUSE Mrs. Gump steps forward and speaks to all the boarders. MRS. GUMP It's suppa, everyone. Forrest... A MAN WITH A CANE steps left across the hall. MAN WITH CANE My, my. That sure looks special. Mrs. Gump looks into a sitting room and informs the boarders about dinner. MRS. GUMP Gentlemen, would you care to join us for supper? Hurry up and get it before the flies do. I prefer you don't smoke that cigar so close to mealtime. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes we had so many people stayin' with us that every room was filled with travelers. You know, folks livin' out of their suitcases, and hat cases, and sample cases. MRS. GUMP Well, you go ahead and start. I can't find Forrest. Mrs. Gump walks up the stairs. MRS. GUMP Forrest... Forrest... FORREST (V.O.) One time a young man was staying with us, and he had him a guitar case. Mrs. Gump looks into Forrest's room. She hears singing coming from another room and walks over to a closed door. Mrs. Gump opens the door, revealing a young man with long sideburns as he plays the guitar and sings. Forrest holds onto a broom and dances oddly. The young man is ELVIS PRESLEY. ELVIS PRESLEY (sings) "Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit, and you ain't no friend of mine." Forrest's legs rock back and forth to the guitar. MRS. GUMP Forrest! I told you not to bother this nice young man. ELVIS Oh, no, that's all right, ma'am. I was just showin' him a thing or two on the guitar here. MRS. GUMP All right, but your supper's ready if y'all want to eat. ELVIS Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you, ma'am. Mrs. Gump leaves and closes the door. Elvis sits back down. Forrest stands left, and looks himself in a mirror. ELVIS Say, man, show me that crazy little walk you just did there. Slow it down some. Forrest begins to dance again as Elvis plays the guitar and sings. ELVIS (sings) "You ain't nothin' but a hound, hound dog..." FORREST (V.O.) I liked that guitar. Forrest dances as he watches himself in the mirror. FORREST (V.O.) It sounded good. ELVIS (sings) "...cryin' all the time" Forrest rocks up and down on his braced legs, then begins to step. ELVIS (sings) "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog..." FORREST (V.O.) I started moving around to the music, swinging my hips. This one night me and Momma... EXT. GREENBOW - NIGHT Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk along a sidewalk. A television inside a store window reveals Elvis Presley as he performs "Houng Dog" on a stage. FORREST (V.O.) ...was out shoppin', and we walked right by Benson's Furniture and Appliance store, and guess what. The television reveals Elvis as he thrusts his hips and sings. ELVIS (sings) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... Mrs. Gump and Forrest watch the television. Elvis dances around in the same manner Forrest did. A woman in the audience screaming and applauding. ELVIS (sings) You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... MRS. GUMP This is not children's eyes. Mrs. Gump walks away, pulling Forrest with her. Forrest stops and takes one last look. Elvis continues to perform over the television. ELVIS (sings) "Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine." FORREST (V.O.) Some years later, that handsome young man who they called "The King," well, he sung too many songs, had himself a heart attack or something. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY Forrest is still sitting on the bus bench. The black nurse looks at him. FORREST Must be hard being a king. You know, it's funny how you remember some things, but some things you can't. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD/ALABAMA - MORNING (1954) Mrs. Gump and Forrest wait for the school bus. The bus pulls up as Mrs. Gump prepares Forrest for his first day of school. MRS. GUMP You do your very best now, Forrest. FORREST I sure will, Momma. FORREST (V.O.) I remember the bus ride on the first day of school very well. The bus driver opens the door and looks down. Forrest walks to the steps of the bus and looks at the bus driver. She is smoking a cigarette. BUS DRIVER Are you comin' along? FORREST Momma said not to be taking rides from strangers. BUS DRIVER This is the bus to school. FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. BUS DRIVER I'm Dorothy Harris. FORREST Well, now we ain't strangers anymore. The bus driver smiles as Forrest steps up into the bus. INT. BUS Forrest steps up onto the bus. Mrs. Gump waves to Forrest as the bus drives away. Forrest begins to walk down the aisle. TWO YOUNG BOYS look up from the seat. BOY #1 This seat's taken. BOY #2 It's taken! Forrest looks around. A larger girl slides over so Forrest can't sit next to her. She shakes her head. Forrest looks to the other side where a boy sits alone on a larger seat. They boy glares up at Forrest. BOY #3 You can't sit here. FORREST (V.O.) You know, it's funny what a young man recollects. 'Cause I don't remember being born. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY Forrest continues talking as he sits on the bus bench. FORREST (V.O.) I, I... don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic. But, I do remember the first time I heard the sweetiest voice... INT. BUS - MORNING (1954) Young Forrest is still standing in the aisle on the bus. FORREST (V.O.) ...in the wide world. GIRL You can sit here if you want. Forrest looks back at JENNY CURRAN, a young girl about Forrest's age. FORREST (V.O.) I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life. She was like an angel. JENNY Well, are you gonna sit down, or aren't ya? Forrest sits down next to Jenny. JENNY What's wrong with your legs? FORREST Um, nothing at all, thank you. My legs are just fine and dandy. FORREST (V.O.) I just sat next to her on that bus and had conversation all the way to school. JENNY Then why do you have those shoes on? FORREST My momma said my back's crooked like a question mark. These are going to make me as straight as an arrow. They're my magic shoes. FORREST (V.O.) And next to Momma, no one ever talked to me or asked me questions. JENNY Are you stupid or something. FORREST Mommy says stupid is as stupid does. Jenny puts her hand out toward Forrest. Forrest reaches over and shakes her hand. JENNY I'm Jenny. FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) From that day on, we was always together. Jenny and me was like peas and carrots. EXT. OAK TREE - DAY Young Jenny and Forrest run toward a large oak tree. FORREST (V.O.) She taught me how to climb... Jenny sits on a large branch and calls down to Forrest. JENNY Come on, Forrest, you can do it. Forrest dangles from the branch. FORREST (V.O.) ...I showed her how to dangle. Jenny and Forrest sit on a tree branch and read. FORREST "...a good little monkey and..." FORREST (V.O.) She helped me to learn how to read. Forrest hangs upside down from a branch and swings back and forth. Forrest's braces are wedged in the tree. FORREST (V.O.) And I showed her to swing. EXT. OAK TREE - NIGHT The silhouete of the oak tree, Jenny and Forrest as they sit on a branch. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes we'd just sit out and wait for the stars. FORREST Momma's gonna worry about me. Jenny puts her hand on Forrest's hand. JENNY Just stay a little longer. FORREST (V.O.) For some reason, Jenny didn't never want to go home. FORREST Okay, Jenny. I'll stay. FORREST (V.O.) She was my most special friend. INT. SAVANNAH/BUS STOP - DAY Forrest nods as he remembers. FORREST My only friend. Forrest continues talking to the black woman. She doesn't seem to be listening as she reads her magazine. She looks up from her magazine. FORREST Now, my Momma always told me that miracles happen every day. Some people don't think so, but they do. EXT. OAK ALLEY - ANOTHER DAY (1954) Jenny and Forrest walk. A dirt clod hits Forrest in the back of the head. Jenny looks as Forrest rubs his head. THREE YOUNG BOYS get off their bikes and pick up more rocks. BOY #1 Hey... dummy! Forrest is hit in the eye with another dirt clod. Forrest falls backward onto the ground as the boys glare at him. BOY #2 Are you retarded, or just plain stupid? BOY #3 Look, I'm Forrest Gump. Jenny helps Forrest back up. Boy #1 and Boy #2 throw more dirt clods at Forrest. JENNY Just run away, Forrest. Another dirt clod hits Forrest in the arm. JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest tries to run along the road, but his braces makes it impossible. He hobbles along as Jenny yells after him. JENNY Run away! Hurry! Boy #1 and Boy #2 turn back toward the bikes. BOY #2 Get the bikes! BOY #3 Hurry up! The boys pick up their bikes and ride after Forrest. BOY #3 Let's get him! Come on! BOY #2 Look out, dummy, here we come! The boys ride after Forrest. Jenny stands and watches. BOY #2 We're gonna get you! JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! Forrest hobbles along the dirt road. JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest looks over his shoulder. The three boys race on their bikes. BOY #1 Come back here, you! Forrest begins to run faster with his braces on. Forrest continues running as the boys chase him. Blood drips down from a cut on his head. The boys on the bikes are gaining on Forrest. Forrest hobbles along. He begins to gain speed. JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! SLOW MOTION -- Forrest runs from the chasing room. He looks over his shoulder in fear. The boys on the bikes peddle faster as they gain on Forrest, running. Forrest tries to run even faster to get away. Suddenly his braces shatter, sending steel and plastic flying into the air. Forrest runs and look down at his legs in surprise. Forrest continues to run faster as the metal braces and straps fly off his legs. Forrest runs free of his braces and begins to pick up speed. The chasing boys ride over the remains of Forrest's braces. FORREST (V.O.) Now, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. EXT. SAVANNAH/ BUS BENCH - DAY FORREST But I can run like the wind blows. The black woman continues to read her magazine. Forrest smiles as he remembers. FORREST From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was running! EXT. OAK ALLEY - DAY (1954) Forrest sprints away from the boys. The boys stop the chase and watch in disbelief. Forrest is already at the far end of the road, clear of the chasing boys. BOY #2 He's gettin' away! Stop him! Boy #1 throws his bike down in frustration. Forrest runs across a field. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD Forrest runs past a chain gang in their prison uniforms. They are cutting at the weeds on the side of the road. EXT. GREENBOW Forrest runs across the street. THE TWO OLD MEN sit in front of the barber shop. OLD CRONY That boy sure is a running fool. EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE Forrest runs down a driveway toward Jenny's small house. FORREST (V.O.) Now remember how I told you that Jenny never seemed to want to go home? Well, she lived in a house that was as old as Alabama. Her Momma had gone up to heaven when she was five and her daddy was some kind of a farmer. Forrest knocks on Jenny's door. FORREST Jenny? Jenny? Forrest look around the field at the left. He notices Jenny and runs toward her. FORREST (V.O.) He was a very lovin' man. He was always kissing and touchin' her and her sisters. And then this one time, Jenny wasn't on the bus to go to school. Forrest runs to Jenny. FORREST Jenny, why didn't you come to school today? JENNY Hsh! Daddy's takin' a nap. Jenny grabs Forrest's hand and runs into the field. Jenny's DAD drunk, steps out onto the porch and shouts. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! JENNY Come on! JENNY'S DAD Jenny, where'd you run to? You'd better come back here, girl! Jenny's dad steps out toward the field. Jenny leads Forrest into the thick tobacco field. Jenny's dad runs through the field searching for Jenny with a liquor bottle in his hand. JENNY'S DAD Where you at? Jenny and Forrest run into a corn field as Jenny's dad tries to chase her. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! Jenny! Where you at? Jenny! Jenny drops to her knees and pulls Forrest down with her. JENNY Pray with me, Forrest. Pray with me. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! JENNY Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always said that God is mysterious. JENNY'S DAD Jenny! Get back here! FORREST (V.O.) He didn't turn Jenny into a bird that day. Instead... EXT. TRAILER PARK/ALABAMA - DAY (1955) A police officer escorts Jenny to her grandmother's trailer. Jenny's grandmother meets Jenny outside and leads her toward the trailer. FORREST (V.O.) ...he had the police say Jenny didn't have to stay in that house no more. She went to live with her grandma just over on Creekmore Avenue, which made me happy 'cause she was so close. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT (1955) Jenny climbs over a second-floor railing and enters the house. FORREST (V.O.) Some nights, Jenny'd sneak out and come over to my house, just 'cause she said she was scared. Scared of what, I don't know... INT. GUMP HOUSE/FORREST'S BEDROOM Jenny lies in bed next to young Forrest. She hugs him. FORREST (V.O.) ...but I think it was her grandma's dog. He was a mean dog. Anyway, Jenny and me was best friends... EXT. GREENBOW/OAK ALLEY - DAY (1961) Forrest and Jenny are teenagers now. They walk along an oaklined road. FORREST (V.O.) ...all the way to high school. Suddenly Forrest is hit in the back with a rock. Forrest and Jenny turn around. OLDER BOY #1 Hey, stupid! JENNY Quit it! A teenage boy throws another rock as a pickup truck pulls up behind him. Jenny turns and looks at Forrest. JENNY Run, Forrest, run! OLDER BOY #1 Hey. Did you hear me, stupid? JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest drops his books and runs down the road. The teenage boy jumps into the back of the pickup truck with another boy as the truck speeds after Forrest. Jenny steps left and gets out of the way. OLDER BOY #2 Come on, he's getting away! Move it! JENNY Run, Forrest! Run! OLDER BOY #1 You better be runnin', stupid. Forrest runs along the road. The truck speeds after him. OLDER BOY #2 Come on, dummy! OLDER BOY #1 Haul ass, dummy! Older Boy throws rocks at Forrest. OLDER BOY #1 Yeah, you better be runnin'! INT. TRUCK BOY Ya-hoo! EXT. OAK ALLEY The boys in the back of the truck throw rocks at Forrest as they drive up to him. OLDER BOY #1 Move it, jack rabbit! The truck follows right on Forrest's heels. A rebel flag license plate adorns the truck's grill. OLDER BOY #1 Come on! Forrest runs along the road as the truck chases him. The boys in the back of the truck pound on the roof as the truck turns right, after Forrest. The truck drives into a field. Forrest runs toward a fence. BOY Run! Faster! Yeah! Go! Go! Come on, Forrest! Yeah! JENNY Run, Forrest! Forrest leaps over a five-foot fence as the boys try to catch him. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest looks left as he continues telling his life story. FORREST Now, it used to be, I ran to get where I was goin'. I never thought it would take me anywhere. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL/ROAD - DAY (1961) Forrest runs along the road in front of the high school. The truck continues to chase him as the boys pound on the roof. OLDER BOY Come on. Whoo-hoo! The truck speeds past Forrest as he turns from the road and runs onto the high school football field. Forrest runs across the field during a football scrimmage. In the stands watching the scrimmage is the legendary University of Alabama football coach BEAR BRYANT, wearing his trademark plaid hat. A group of assistant coaches sit around him, as well as the high school football coach. The quarterback throws the ball into the air. Forrest runs past the quarterback. The receiver catches the ball. Forrest runs past the receiver as an opposing player tackles the stunned receiver. The football coach stands, followed by the assistant coaches. FOOTBALL COACH Who in the hell is that? HIGH SCHOOL COACH That there is Forrest Gump. Coach. Just a local idiot. Forrest runs under the field goal post and through the end zone. FORREST (V.O.) And can you believe it? I got to go to college, too. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA STADIUM - DAY (1962) The crowd roars with excitement as a football is kicked off. The football players run around on the field. The crowd of cheering fans create a huge sign that reads: "GO." Forrest is in a University of Alabama football uniform. He looks up into the cheering crowd as his teammate fields the kickoff. The teammate runs over to Forrest and hands him the ball. FOOTBALL COACH Okay! Run! The football coach, the assistants, and Alabama players cheer for Forrest. FOOTBALL COACH Run, you stupid son-of-a-bitch! Run! Forrest runs across the field. He speeds past the defending players. Forrest runs past the opposite players. The crowd cheers wildly, holding up cards, making a large sign that reads: "Go." They turn the cards over, creating the word: "ALABAMA." The football coach runs along the sidelines as he yells. FOOTBALL COACH You stupid son-of-a-bitch! Run! Go! Run! Forrest cuts and runs toward the sidelines. Two opposing players collide. The football coach, the assistants and the players all motion for Forrest to run toward the end zone. FOOTBALL COACH Run! Turn! Go! Forrest turns up the sidelines and runs toward the end zone. Some opposing players fall down. Forrest runs along the sidelines. The opposing players try to catch him. Forrest runs into the end zone as an opposing player dives at his feet. The referee holds up his arm, signaling a touch down. The crowd cheers wildly. Forrest continues to run, smashing through the band members, then all the way toward the team tunnel. The football coach looks at an assistant coach. FOOTBALL COACH He must be the stupidest son-of-a- bitch alive. But he sure is fast! FORREST (V.O.) Now, maybe it was just me but college was very confusing times. INT. GREENBOW/BARBER SHOT - BLACK & WHITE TELEVISION (JUNE 11, 1963) An anchorman named CHET HUNTLEY appears over the television. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) Federal troops enforcing a court order integrated the University of Alabama today. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA - DAY Forrest walks through a crowd of people. CHET HUNTLEY Governor George Wallace had carried out his symbolic threat to stand in the schoolhouse door. GOVERNOR WALLACE We hereby denounce and forbid this illegal and unwarranted action by the central government. INT. GREENBOW/BARBER SHOP A black & white television reveals George Wallace as he stands in the doorway of the schoolhouse. KATZENBACH (on TV) Governor Wallace, I take it from that, uh... EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Forrest steps over to a young man as the crowd looks at the demonstration. KATZENBACH ...statement that you are going to stand in that door, and that you are not going to carry out the orders of this court, and that you are going to resist us from doing so. I would ask you once again to responsibility step aside and if you do not, I'm going to assure you... FORREST Earl, what's going on? EARL Coons are tryin' to get into school. FORREST Coons? When raccoons try to get on our back porch, Momma just chase 'em off with a broom. EARL Not raccoons, you idiot, niggas. And they want to go to school with us. FORREST With us? They do? Forrest walks toward the schoolhouse. INT. COACHES' OFFICE A football coach looks at a black and white television as a newsman outside the schoolhouse speaks to the camera. NEWSMAN (on TV) ...block the doorway, President Kennedy ordered the Secretary of Defense then to use the military force. BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE The footage cuts to Governor Wallace as he speaks to General Graham. NEWSMAN Here by videotape is the encounter by General Graham, Commander of the National Guard, and Governor Wallace. Forrest stands next to George Wallace and listens. GOVERNOR WALLACE We must have no violence today, or any other day, because these National Guardsmen are here today as Federal Soldiers for Alabamans. And they live within our borders and they are all our brothers. We are winning in this fight because we are awakening the American people to the dangers that we have spoken about so many times, just so evident today, the trend toward military dictatorship in this country. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Some of the Alabama policeman and citizens clap their hands as the National Guardsmen stand at attention with their weapons in front of them. Forrest walks through the crowd. Two black students were being led toward the schoolhouse. NEWSMAN And so at day's end the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa had been desegregated and students Jimmy Hood and Vivian Malone had been signed up for summer classes. The young black girl drops one of her books. Forrest notices and steps past the policeman toward the book on the ground. Forrest steps out from the crowd and picks up the book. He brings it up to the girl. FORREST Ma'am, you dropped your book. Ma'am. INT. COACHES' OFFICE - NIGHT (1963) A coach looks at the television. The television reveals Forrest as he stands at the schoolhouse door. He looks around, then waves. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) Governor Wallace did what he promised to do. By being on the Tuscaloosa campus, he kept the mob from gathering and prevented violence. An assistant coach looks at the television, then at the other coaches. ASSISTANT COACH Say, wasn't that Gump? The football coach and two assistant coaches look. Forrest dries himself off with a towel as he steps from the showers. CHET HUNTLEY (on TV) NBC News will present a special program on the Alabama integration story at 7:30 p.m. tonight... ASSISTANT COACH Naw, that couldn't be. FOOTBALL COACH It sure as hell was. CHET HUNTLEY ...standard Eastern Daylight Time. Now a word from Anacin. Forrest steps up to the coaches' area and grabs a clean towel. The coaches turn and stare at Forrest. Forrest gives them one of his silly waves, then walks away. COLOR FOOTAGE - Governor Wallace waves to the crowd as he stands behind a podium with his wife. FORREST (V.O.) A few years later, that angry little man at the schoolhouse door thought it would be a good idea, and ran for President. COLOR FOOTAGE - Governor Wallace mingles in a crowd. Gunshots are fired, wounding him. Some men wrestle the shooter. Wallace lies wounded on the ground. FORREST (V.O.) But, somebody thought that it wasn't. EXT. SAVANNAH/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest sits on the bench as the black woman looks at him. A WHITE WOMAN with a bay sits left. FORREST But he didn't die. A bus pulls up to the bus stop. The BLACK WOMAN looks down at her watch. BLACK WOMAN My bus is here. FORREST Is it the number 9? BLACK WOMAN No, it's the number 4. The Black Woman gets up and steps over to the bus. FORREST It was nice talkin' to you. The white woman sits closer to Forrest. WHITE WOMAN I remember when that happened, when Wallace got shot. I was in college. FORREST Did you go to a girls' college, or to a girls' and boys' together college? WHITE WOMAN It was co-ed. FORREST 'Cause Jenny went to a college I couldn't go to. It was a college just for girls. EXT, GIRLS' COLLEGE/JENNY'S DORM - NIGHT (1963) Forrest sits outside Jenny's dorm in the rain. FORREST (V.O.) But, I'd go and visit her every chance I got. A car pulls up. A song is heard from the radio. Forrest, holding a box of chocolates, looks at the car. The two people inside the car begins to kiss and embrace each other. Jenny is inside the car with a boy. She leans back against the passenger side door as they struggle to get comfortable. JENNY Ouch! That hurts. Forrest gets up and runs toward the car. He tries to look in the window as he steps over to the driver's side door. He opens the door and begins to punch the boy inside. Jenny jump out of the car and runs over to Forrest. JENNY Forrest! Forrest! Forrest, stop it! Stop it! BILLY Jesus! JENNY What are you doing? FORREST He was hurtin' you. Jenny's date, named BILLY, gets out of the car angrily. BILLY What the hell is going on here? JENNY No, he's not! BILLY Who is that? Who is that? JENNY Get over there! Jenny turns and looks at Billy. He shoves Jenny's hands away from him. JENNY Billy, I'm sorry. BILLY What in the hell, git, would you git away from me! JENNY Don't... Wait a second! BILLY Git, just git away from me! JENNY Don't go! Billy, wait a second! Billy gets back into the car. JENNY He doesn't know any better! Billy pulls away as Jenny steps toward Forrest. JENNY Forrest, why'd you do that? Forrest holds out the box of chocolates. FORREST I brought you some chocolates. I'm sorry. I'll go back to my college now. JENNY Forrest, look at you! Come on. Come on. Jenny grabs Forrest hand and leads him toward the dorm. INT. JENNY'S DORM/HALLWAY Jenny and Forrest sneak to Jenny's door. FORREST Is this your room? JENNY Shh! Jenny unlocks the door and they step inside. INT. JENNY'S DORM ROOM Jenny pulls a robe off of her sleeping roommate's bed. Jenny hands the robe to Forrest, sitting on Jenny's bed. JENNY Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be? FORREST Who I'm gonna be? JENNY Yeah. FORREST Aren't I going to be me? JENNY Well, you'll always be you, just another kind of you. You know? I want to be famous. Jenny picks up a towel, then walks back toward Forrest. Jenny dries the water from her hair. JENNY I want to be a singer like Joan Baez. I just want to be an empty stage with my guitar, my voice... just me. Jenny takes off her slip and sits on the bed next to him. She is only wearing her bra and panties. Forrest looks at Jenny like he's never seen a woman in her underwear before. JENNY And I want to reach people on a personal level. I want to be able to say things, just one-to-one. Forrest looks down at Jenny's breasts. Jenny realizes that he is looking at her. JENNY Have you ever been with a girl, Forrest? FORREST I sit next to them in my home economics class all the time. DJ (over radio) You're listening to WHHY in Birmingham, the clear A.M. voice of Northern Alabama. I'm Joel Dorn... Forrest looks at Jenny as she removes her bra. Forrest looks away, a bit shamed. Jenny takes his hand and guides it up to her breast. DJ (over radio) ...coming to you on a night that is anything but clear. The weatherman says that rain's gonna fall all night long so stay with us, get warm, get cozy, get under the covers to the cool sounds of WHHY. Forrest looks over at Jenny's breasts, the shudder as he has an orgasm. FORREST Ohh... Oh... I'm sorry. Sorry. JENNY It's okay. DJ (over radio) ...444-6789, with ya till sunrise, playing the music you want to hear when you want to hear it. If you have a request or dedication, give us a call. We guarantee you'll hear your requests within one hour. Forrest breathes heavily. Jenny puts her bra back on. JENNY It's all right. Jenny leans over and puts her head on Forrest's shoulder. DJ (over radio) Candy is on the line tonight. Candy's answering the phones, give Candy your request, your dedication, and ask her why she won't go out with me, would you? Here's more music. JENNY It's okay. FORREST Oh, I'm dizzy. A song is coming over the radio. Jenny hugs Forrest. JENNY I bet that never happened in home ec. FORREST No. Jenny laughs and kisses Forrest on the cheek. Forrest and Jenny hug on the bed as Jenny's roommate pretends to be asleep, but is listening, horrified, with her eyes open. FORREST I think I ruined your roommate's bathrobe. JENNY I don't care. I don't like her, anyway. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA/FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY (1963) Forrest runs across the field as the defending team chases him. The crowd yells for Forrest. They flip a sign that reads: "Go Forrest." CROWD Run! Run! Run! Forrest runs along the field. The crowd cheers. CROWD Run! Run! Run! Forrest runs into the end zone. The band members rush toward Forrest with their hands up, signaling him to stop. The crowd flips over cards, creating a sign that reads "STOP." CROWD Stop! Forrest stops in the end zone as he hears the crowd yells. The band motions for Forrest to stop and stay in the end zone. A group of defending players fall over each other in the end zone. Forrest looks as the crowd cheers wildly. FORREST (V.O.) College ran by real fast 'cause I played so much football. BLACK AND WHITE PARAMOUNT NEWSREEL - DAY (1963) The White House with the words "The eyes and ears of the world Paramount News" superimposed. FORREST (V.O.) They even put me on a thing called the All-America Team where you get to meet the President of the United States. BLACK AND WHITE NEWSREEL PRESIDENT KENNEDY holds an autographed football as the All- American Team stands behind him. Forrest is among the players in suits. ANNOUNCER (over newsreel) President Kennedy met with the Collegiate All-American Football Team at the Oval Office today. INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION AREA - DAY (1963) The All-American players mingle around the food table. Forrest steps up to the table. A large spread of food and soda is on the table. FORREST (V.O.) Now, the real good thing about meeting the President of the United States is the food. Forrest takes a bottle of Dr. Pepper from the buffet table. Numerous bottle of Dr. Pepper are displayed on the table. A servant opens the bottle for him. FORREST (V.O.) They put you in this little room with just about anything you'd want to eat or drink. And since number one, I wasn't hungry, but thirsty... Forrest begins to guzzle the Dr. Pepper. FORREST (V.O.) ...and number two, they was free, I musta drank me about fifteen Dr. Peppers. Forrest sets down an empty Dr. Pepper bottle next to a large number of other empty bottles. Forrest holds his stomach and burps. BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE - President Kennedy shakes hands with the All-American football players. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 1ST PLAYER It's an honor, Sir. Another player steps up to the President and shakes the President's hand. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 2ND PLAYER Very good, Sir. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How does it feel to be an All-American? 3RD PLAYER Very good, Sir. The player walks away. Forrest steps up to the President. The President shakes his hand. PRESIDENT KENNEDY Congratulations. How do you feel? FORREST I gotta pee. President Kennedy turns and smiles. PRESIDENT KENNEDY I believe he said he had to go pee. INT. WHITE HOUSE/BATHROOM Forrest urinates in the bathroom, then lowers the lid and flashes. Forrest washes his hands, then notices an autographed photo from Marilyn Monroe and a photo of John with his brother Bobby. FORREST (V.O.) Sometime later, for no particular reason, somebody shot that nice young President when he was ridin' in his car. ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE - DAY SLOW MOTION - President Kennedy rises in a convertible and smiles. FORREST And a few years after that... ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE - Robert Kennedy stands at a podium as people around him applaud. FORREST (V.O.) ...somebody shot his little brother, too, only he was in a hotel kitchen. EXT. SAVANNHA/BUS BENCH - DAY (1981) Forrest sits on the bench and shakes his head. FORREST It must be hard being brothers. I wouldn't know. EXT. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA - DAY - GRADUATION DAY (1966) Students in their caps and gowns step forward the podium to receive their diplomas. Forrest's name is called. He steps up and accepts his diploma. DEAN Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) Now can you believe it? After only five years of playing football, I got a college degree. The dean shakes Forrest's hand vigorously. Forrest looks out into the crowd. DEAN Congratulations, son. Mrs. Gump, sitting in the audience, cries. FORREST (V.O.) Momma was proud. Forrest and Mrs. Gump have their picure taken in front of a large statue. A military recruiter spots Forrest and steps up to him. MRS. GUMP Forrest, I'm so proud of you. Here, I'll hold this for you. Mrs. Gump takes the diploma from Forrest. The recruiter slaps Forrest on the shoulder and hands him some military literature. MILITARY RECRUITER Congratulations, son. Have you given any thought to your future? FORREST Thought? Forrest looks at a pamphlet with a photo of "Uncle Sam" and the caption "EXCELLENT CAREERS FOR EXCELLENT YOUNG MAN. Apply now at your local U.S. Army Recruiting Center." FORREST (V.O.) Hello, I'm Forrest... INT. ARMY BUS - DAY (1966) Forrest steps onto the army bus. Rain pours outside as the army bus driver yells at Forrest. FORREST ...Forrest Gump. ARMY BUS DRIVER Nobody gives a hunk of shit who you are, fuzzball! You're not even a lowlife scum sucking maggot! Get your faggoty ass on the bus. You're in the Army now! Forrest is about to sit on the first available seat, but the recruit sitting there refuses Forrest. RECRUIT #1 This seat's taken. Forrest tries to sit on the next seat, but the 2nd recruit slides over, blocking him. RECRUIT #2 It's taken. Forrest steps forward, looking much like he did on his first bus ride to school years ago. FORREST (V.O.) At first, it seemed like I made a mistake. A large black recruit with a strange look on his face, much like Forrest's, looks up from his seat. His name is BUBBA. FORREST (V.O.) ...seeing how it was my induction day and I was already gettin' yelled at. Bubba moves his case over, making room for Forrest to sit down. BUBBA You can sit down... if you want to. FORREST (V.O.) I didn't know who I might meet or what they might ask. Bubba hands Forrest a handkerchief. BUBBA You ever been on a real shrimp boat? FORREST No, but I been on a real big boat. BUBBA I'm talkin' about a shrimp catchin' boat. I've been workin' on shrimp boats all my life. I started out my uncle's boat, that's my mother's brother, when I was about maybe nine. I was just lookin' into buyin' a boat of my own and got drafted. My given name is Benjamin Buford Blue. Bubba and Forrest shake hands. BUBBA People call me Bubba. Just like one of them redneck boys. Can you believe that? FORREST My name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump. FORREST (V.O.) So Bubba was from Bayou La Batre, Alabama, and his momma cooked shrimp. INT. LOUISIANA/KITCHEN - DAY (1966) Bubba's mother, a robust woman in a cook's uniform, carries a bowl of shrimp into a dining room. She sets it down on a table in front of a wealthy white man. FORREST (V.O.) And her momma before her cooked shrimp. INT. SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH/KITCHEN - DAY (EARLY DAYS OF SLAVERY) Bubba's grandmother carries a bowl of shrimp into a dining room. She sets it down on a table in front of a wealthy white man. FORREST (V.O.) And her momma before her momma cooked shrimp, too. Bubba's family knew everything... INT. ARMY BUS - DAY (1966) FORREST (V.O.) ...there was to know about the shrimpin' business. BUBBA I know everything there is to know about the shrimpin' business. Matter of fact, I'm goin' into the shrimpin' business for myself after I get out the Army. FORREST Okay. INT. BARRACKS - DAY A DRILL SERGEANT is in Forrest's face as Forrest stands in line with the other recruits. DRILL SERGEANT Gump! What's your sole purpose in this Army? FORREST To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant! DRILL SERGEANT Godamnit, Gump! You're a goddamned genius! That's the most outstanding answer I've ever heard. You must have a godamned I.Q. of a hundred and sixty! You are godamned gifted, Private Gump! The Drill Sergeant moves down the line to the next man. DRILL SERGEANT Listen up, people... FORREST (V.O.) Now, for some reason, I fit in the Army like one of them round pegs. It's not really hard. You just make your bed real neat and remember to stand up straight. DRILL SERGEANT That is one very intelligent individual! You lock your scuzzy bodies up behind that private and do exactly what he does and you will go far in this man's army! FORREST (V.O.) And always answer every question with "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" DRILL SERGEANT Is that clear? FORREST & RECRUITS Yes, Drill Sergeant! ANOTHER DAY The recruits are sitting at the base of their bunks assembling their rifles. Bubba speaks to Forrest. BUBBA What you do is you just drag your nets across the bottom. On a good day, you can catch over a hundred pounds of shrimp. If everything goes all right, two men shrimpin' ten hours, less what you spends on gas, you can... Forrest finishes assembling his rifle as the other recruits are still working on theirs. FORREST Done, Drill Sergeant! DRILL SERGEANT Gump! The Drill Sergeant rushes up to Forrest. DRILL SERGEANT Why did you put that weapon together so quickly, Gump? FORREST You told me to, Drill Sergeant. The Drill Sergeant looks at his stop watch. DRILL SERGEANT Jesus Christ! This is a new company record. If it wouldn't be a waste of such a damn fine enlisted man, I'd recommended you for O.C.S., Private Gump. You are gonna be a General some day, Gump! Now, disassemble your weapon and continue! The Drill Sergeant walks away as Forrest begins to disassemble his rifle. After the Drill Sergeant walks past Bubba, Bubba looks up at Forrest. Bubba continues talking about shrimp in his slow southern drawl. BUBBA Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There, uh, shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole... ANOTHER DAY Bubba and Forrest shine their boots. BUBBA ...shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp... ANOTHER DAY Bubba and Forrest are on their hands and knees as they scrub the floor with toothbrushes. BUBBA ...shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... that's, that's about it. NIGHT Bubba lies in his bunk and looks up quietly. FORREST (V.O.) Nighttime in the Army is a lovely time. Forrest lies in his bunk and looks up. FORREST (V.O.) We'd lay there in our bunks, and I'd miss my momma. And I'd miss Jenny. A young private tosses a Playboy magazine onto Forrest. YOUNG PRIVATE Hey, Gump. Get a load of the tits on her! Forrest pick up the magazine and turns the page, revealing Jenny as she poses with a school sweater on, and that's all. The pictorial is titled: "Girls of the South." Forrest looks up with shock. He cranes his head up for a closer look. FORREST (V.O.) Turns out, Jenny had gotten into some trouble over... some photos of her in her college sweater. And she was thrown out of school. SONG "My baby does the hanky-panky..." INT. NASHVILLE/NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT (1966) Forrest, in his army uniform, steps into the foyer of the club. FORREST (V.O.) But that wasn't a bad thing. Because a man who owns a theater in Memphis, Tennessee, saw those photo and offered Jenny a job singing in a show. The first chance I got, I took the bus up to Memphis to see her perform in that show. EMCEE steps out onto the stage. EMCEE That was Amber, Amber Flame. Give her a big hand, guys. Good job, Amber. And now, for your listening and viewing pleasure, direct from Hollywood, California, our very own beatnik beauty, let's give a big round of applause to the luscious Bobbie Dylan. CROWD Bobbie... Bobbie... The emcee walks back off the stage and the curtain opens, revealing Jenny as she sits on a stool on the stage. She holds a guitar up and begins to play. She is topless. JENNY (sings) "Yes, and how many seas must the white dove said, before she sleeps in the sand." FORREST (V.O.) Her dream had come true. She was a folk singer. JENNY (sings) "Yes, how many times must the cannonballs fly before they're forever banned." MAN #1 You gotta lose the guitar, darling. MAN #2 Hey, come on, baby. Shake it up. Shake it up now. MAN #3 Hey, somebody ought to get her a harmonica. The men laugh. JENNY (sings) "The answer, my friend is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in... MAN # ...skin, honey. This isn't Captain Kangaroo. MEN Yeah! Come on! Man #5 reaches up and tries to stick some money in Jenny's shoe. MAN #5 : Hey, honey, I got something here for you. Jenny kicks his hand. He yells angrily as he sits back down, then tosses his drink on her. MAN #5 Goddamnit! JENNY Hey! Hey! Stupid jerk! I'm singing a song here. Polly, get out here! MAN # Hey, show us some stuff, honey! JENNY Shut up! Oh, shut up! Forrest walks up to Man #5 and grabs him and tosses him down on the ground. Man #4 tries to grab Forrest, but Forrest shoves him down too. JENNY Forrest, what are you doing here? What are you doing? Forrest climbs up onto the stage and picks Jenny up, guitar and all, and carries her. FORREST Come on. JENNY What are you doing? Forrest, let me down! Jenny struggles and frees herself from Forrest. Forrest steps back in surprise. Jenny shoves the guitar at Forrest. Jenny walks off as Forrest holds the guitar. He follows after her. EXT. MEMPHIS BRIDGE - NIGHT Forrest follows Jenny over a bridge outside the night club. JENNY You can't keep doing this, Forrest. You can't keep tryin' to rescue me all the time. FORREST They was tryin' to grab you. JENNY A lot of people try to grab me. Just -- you can't keep doing this all the time! FORREST I can't help it. I love you. JENNY Forrest, you don't know what love is. Jenny turns and looks over the bridge. JENNY You remember that time we prayed, Forrest? We prayed for God to turn me into a bird so I could fly far, far away? FORREST Yes, I do. JENNY You think I can fly off this bridge? FORREST What do you mean, Jenny? JENNY Nothing. Jenny turns and looks at the light of an approaching vehicle. She steps into the street. JENNY I gotta get outta here. Jenny runs and flags down the approaching vehicle. FORREST But wait. Jenny! JENNY Forrest, you stay away from me, okay? You just stay away from me, please. A pickup truck pulls over as Jenny looks at the driver. JENNY Can I have a ride? DRIVER Where you going? JENNY I don't care. DRIVER Get in the truck. FORREST So bye-bye, Jenny. They sendin' me to Vietnam. It's this whole other country. Jenny walks toward Forrest. She looks at the driver. JENNY Just hang on a minute. Jenny walks up to Forrest. JENNY Listen, you promise me something, okay? Just if you're ever in trouble, don't try to be brave, you just run, okay? Just run away. FORREST Okay. Jenny, I'll write you all the time. Jenny takes a last look at Forrest, then climbs into the truck. Forrest watches Jenny in the pickup as it drives away. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that. EXT. GREENBOW/GUMP BOARDING HOUSE/RIVER - DAY Forrest, dressed in his uniform, sits on a log and looks out at a river. FORREST (V.O.) ...she was gone. Mrs. Gump walks toward Forrest and sits down next to him on the log. Forrest leans down, placing his head on his mother's shoulder. MRS. GUMP You come back safe to me, do ya hear? EXT. VIETNAM/MEKONG DELTA - MORNING (1967) The shadow of a helicopter over the rice field below. A soldier is manning a gun from inside the helicopter. The solider looks left, Forrest and Bubba ride in the helicopter. EXT. FIREBASE/4TH PLATOON The helicopter circles overhead, then lands at the firebase. SONG "Some folks are born made to wave the flag. Ooh, they're red, white and blue. And when the band plays "Hail to the Chief," ohh, they point the cannon at you all. It ain't me. It ain't me. I ain't no Senator's son, no. It ain't me. It ain't me..." Bubba and Forrest jump out of the helicopter with their gear/ They walk and look around oddly. FORREST (V.O.) Now, they told us that Vietnam was gonna be very different from the United Sates of America. The soldier places a case of beer on a large stack of cases. He takes two beers out and walks away. In the background, soldiers are barbecuing steaks and drinking beer. FORREST (V.O.) Except for all the beer cans and the barbecue, it was. BUBBA Y'know, I bet there's shrimp all in these waters. They tell me these Vietnams is good shrimp. You know, after we win this war, and we take over everything we can get American shrimpers to come on here and shrimp these waters. We'll just shrimp all the time, man. So much shrimp, why, you wouldn't believe it. Lieutenant DAN TAYLOR steps out of a tent. Shirtless, he holds a roll of toilet paper in his hand. LT. DAN You must be my F.N.G.'s. BUBBA AND FORREST Morning', sir! LT. DAN Ho! Get your hands down. Do not salute me. There are goddamned snipers all around this area who would love to grease an officer. I'm Lieutenant Dan Taylor. Welcome to Fourth Platoon. Lt. Dan looks at Bubba. LT. DAN What's wrong with your lips? BUBBA I was born with big gums, sir. LT. DAN Yeah, well, you better tuck that in. Gonna get that caught on a trip wire. Where you boys from in the world? BUBBA & FORREST Alabama, sir! LT. DAN You twins? Forrest and Bubba look at each other oddly, they don't get the joke. FORREST No, we are not relations, sir. LT. DAN Look, it's pretty basic here. Lt. Dan starts to walk. Bubba and Forrest grab their gear and follow him. LT. DAN You stick with me, you learn from the guys who been in country awhile, you'll be right. There is one item of G.I. gear that can be the difference between a live grunt and a dead grunt. Lt. Dan stops and looks at the boys. LT. DAN Socks, cushion, sole, O.D. green. Try and keep your feet dry when we're out humpin'. I want you boys to remember to change your socks wherever we stop. The Mekong will eat a grunt's feet right off his legs. Lt. Dan steps over to a large black soldier named SERGEANT SIMS. LT. DAN Sergeant Sims! Goddamnit, where is that sling-rope I told you to order. SGT. SIMS I put in requisitions at Battalion. LT. DAN Yeah, yeah, yeah, well you call those sonabitches again, call them again and again and again. I don't care how much it takes... FORREST (V.O.) Lt. Dan sure knew his stuff. I felt real lucky he was my lieutenant. He was from a long, great military tradition. Somebody in his family had fought and died in every single American war. EXT. VALLEY FORGE/THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR - DAY (1778) A distant relative of Lt. Dan's, wearing a revolutionary war uniform, falls dead in the snow. EXT. GETTYSBURG/THE CIVIL WAR - DAY (1863) Another relative, wearing a civil war uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to Lt. Dan, falls down dead. EXT. NORMANDY/WORLD WAR II - DAY (1944) Another relative, wearing a World War II, falls down dead on the beach at Normandy. EXT. VETNAM/MEKONG DELTA/FIREBASE - DAY (1967) LT. DAN Goddamnit, kick some ass! SGT. SIMS I'm on it, Lieutenant. LT. DAN Get on it! Lt. Dan steps back up to Bubba and Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to. Lt. Dan walks along the walkway and Bubba and Forrest follow. LT. DAN So, you boys are from Arkansas, huh? Well, I've been through there. Little Rock's a fine town. Now, go shake down your gear, see the platoon sergeant, draw what you need for the field. Lt. Dan steps inside the latrine, still holding the roll of toilet paper. LT. DAN If you boys are hungry, we got steaks burnin' right here. Lt. Dan sits down out of sight in the latrine, then stands up, looking at the boys. LT. DAN Two standing orders in this platoon. One, take good care of your feet. Two, try not to do anything stupid, like gettin' yourself killed. Lt. Dan sits back down out of sight in the latrine. Bubba and Forrest look at each other. FORREST I sure hope I don't let him down. EXT. RICE FIELD - ANOTHER DAY Forrest, Bubba, and other soldiers in the Fourth Platoon walk across the rice field. Some Vietnamese rice farmers are working as the soldiers walk past. FORREST (V.O.) I got to see a lot of countryside. We would take these real long walks. EXT. JUNGLE/DIRT ROAD - ANOTHER DAY Forrest's unit walks along a dirt road. SONG And we were always lookin' for this guy named Charlie. I can't get no relief. Suddenly Lt. Dan holds up his fist, a signal for the unit to stop. He motions for them to get down. LT. DAN Hold it up! SGT. SIMS Hold up, boys! Forrest gets down and looks around. FORREST (V.O.) It wasn't always fun. Lt. Dan always gettin' these funny feelings about a rock or a trail, or the road, so he'd tell you to get down, shut up! LT. DAN Get down! Shut up! FORREST (V.O.) So we did. Lt. Dan motions for the lead soldier to get down. Lt. Dan crouches down. Lt. Dan looks at the soldiers and points to his eyes. He lies down on the dirt road and crawls. FORREST (V.O.) Now, I don't know much about anything, but I think some of American's best young men served in this war. There was Dallas, from Phoenix. Cleveland, he was from Detroit. CLEVELAND Hey, Tex. Hey, Tex. Man, what the hell's going on? Tex holds up his hand, motioning that he doesn't know. FORREST (V.O.) And Tex was, well, I don't remember where Tex come from. LT. DAN Ah, nothin'. Fourth Platoon, on your feet! Still got ten clicks to go to that river. Forrest stands up and begins to walk with the platoon. LT. DAN All right, move out! Comin' out. Look alive out there. FORREST (V.O.) The good thing about Vietnam is there was always someplace to go. LT. DAN (V.O.) Fire in the hole! EXT. VIETNAM/VIET CONG FOXHOLE - ANOTHER DAY Lt. Dan walks away as Forrest rushes over, aims two pistols in the hole, then climbs inside. FORREST (V.O.) And there was always something to do. LT. DAN Mount 'em up. SGT. SIMS Spread out! Cover his back. ANOTHER DAY - The platoon walks through a rice paddy, waits deep in water. It begins to rain. FORREST (V.O.) One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. EXT. JUNGLE The rain pours down on Forrest and Bubba as they sit in a foxhole. FORREST (V.O.) We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... ANOTHER DAY - The platoon walks through the jungle as rain pours down on them. FORREST (V.O.) ...and big ol' fat rain. ANOTHER DAY - The platoon shelters themselves as they walk through the wind and rain. FORREST (V.O.) Rain that flew in sideways. ANOTHER DAY - Forrest and other soldiers walk chest-deep through a river. The rain splatters back up from the river, hitting the soldiers. Forrest holds his hand up to protect his face. FORREST (V.O.) And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. EXT. ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT The rain pours down on the men of the platoon as they sit in a camp. Bubba sits down next to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) Shoot, it even rained at night. Bubba leans his back up against Forrest's back. BUBBA Hey Forrest... FORREST Hey Bubba... BUBBA I'm gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. BUBBA This way, we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud. You know why we a good partnership, Forrest? 'Cause we be watchin' out for one another. Like brothers and stuff. Hey, Forrest, there's somethin' I've been thinkin' about. I got a very important question to ask you. How would you like to go into the shrimpin' business with me? FORREST Okay. BUBBA Man, I tell you what, I got it all figured out, too. So many pounds of shrimp to pay off the boat, so many pounds for gas, we can just live right on the boat. We ain't got to pay no rent. I'll be the captain; we can just work it together. Split everything right down the middle. Man, I'm tellin' you, fifty-fifty. And, hey, Forrest, all the shrimp you can get. FORREST That's a fine idea. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba did have a fine idea. ANOTHER NIGHT - Some soldiers patrol the area. Forrest lies in a pup tent and writes a litter as the rain pours down. He uses his flashlight to see. FORREST (V.O.) I even wrote Jenny and told her all about it. I sent her letters. Not every day, but almost. I told her what I was doin' and asked her what she was doing, and I told her how I thought about her always. EXT. JENNY'S GRANDMOTHER'S TRAILER - DAY Jenny steps out of the trailer with a backpack and a guitar. She hugs a hippie guy, then jumps into the back of a Volkswagen bus with another guy. FORREST (V.O.) And how I was looking forward to getting a letter from her just as soon as she had the time I'd always let her know that I was okay. EXT. VIETNAM - NIGHT Forrest writes a letter in his tent. FORREST (V.O.) Then I'd sign each letter, "Love, Forrest Gump." EXT. JUNGLE - DAY The Fourth Platoon makes their way through the jungle and rain. SONG "There's something happenin' here. What it is ain't exactly clear. There's a man with a gun over there, telling' me I got to beware." FORREST (V.O.) This one day, we was out walking, like always, and then, just like that, somebody turned off the rain and the sun come out. Forrest looks up as the sun suddenly appears. Forrest's platoon is attacked. A bullet kills the soldier standing next to Forrest. Bombs explode all around as the soldiers scramble to the ground. LT. DAN Take cover! Forrest crawls over a berm as bullets fly overhead and explode all around him. Forrest rolls over and pulls his pack off Lt. Dan lies next to Forrest. LT. DAN Get that pig up here, goddammit! BUBBA Forrest, you okay? Two soldiers with a machine gun fire into the jungle. Lt. Dan shouts into the radio. Forrest begins firing his weapon into the jungle. LT. DAN ...Strongarm, please be advised... Two soldiers pull a wounded soldier into the jungle. BUBBA Medic, we got a man down! LT. DAN Strongarm, this is Leg Lima 6, over! LT. DAN Roger, Strongarm, be advised we have incoming from the treeline at point blue plus two. A.K's and rockets... The machine gunner fires into the treeline. Another soldier helps him with the ammunition. The machine gun jams. SOLDIER WITH BIG MACHINE GUN Misfire! Misfire! LT. DAN Goddammit, Mac! Get that pig unfucked and get it in the treeline! A rocket explodes on the machine gunner and the other soldier, killing them. Forrest looks down and covers his head as rockets explodes all around him. LT. DAN (into radio) Ah, Jesus! My unit is down hard and hurting! 6 pulling back to the blue line, Leg Lima 6 out! Pull back! Pull back! BUBBA Forrest! Run! Run, Forrest! LT. DAN Pull back! BUBBA Forrest! Run! Run, Forrest! Run! Run! SGT. SIMS Pull back! Let's go! Lt. Dan gets up and grabs Forrest by the collar. LT. DAN Run, goddammit, run! The platoon gets up and runs toward the cover of the jungle. Rockets explode all around the field. Forrest runs into the jungle. The soldiers run through the jungle as bullets explode all around. A soldier is blown up by a rocket. A soldier runs through the jungle. Forrest runs past the soldier. SOLDIER Medic! Medic! Jesus, can I get a medic? FORREST (V.O.) I ran and ran, just like Jenny told me to. Rockets explode in the jungle as Forrest runs out toward a clearing. FORREST (V.O.) I ran so far and so fast that pretty soon I was all by myself, which was a bad thing. FORREST Bubba! Forrest turns around, then runs back into the jungle. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba was my best good friend. I had to make sure he was okay. Rockets explode in the jungle. Forrest runs back into the jungle to look for Bubba. 1ST SOLDIER Any friendlies out there? 2ND SOLDIER Yeah, I've got three over there. 1ST SOLDIER Where the hell are you? Forrest stops and aims his weapon. He looks around, scared. FORREST Bubba? Something moves. Forrest turns and looks, then rushes over. FORREST (V.O.) And on my way back to find Bubba, well, there was this boy laying on the ground. FORREST Tex! Tex lies on the ground, his face distorted with pain. FORREST Okay. Forrest reaches down and picks up Tex from the ground. Forrest pulls Tex up over his shoulder, then runs. FORREST (V.O.) I couldn't just let him lay there all alone, scared the way he was, so I grabbed him up and run him out of there. Forrest carries Tex out of the jungle and into the clearing. He sets Tex down on the bank of a river, and runs back into the jungle. FORREST (V.O.) And every time I went back looking for Bubba, somebody else was saying, "Help me, Forrest. Help me." Forrest drops another wounded soldier down at the bank of the river next to Tex, and then runs back toward the jungle. Forrest grabs the third wounded soldier up from the ground and turns him over. It is DALLAS. DALLAS Can't hear... Can't hear... Dallas is dropped off at the bank next to the other wounded soldiers. Forrest turns to go back to the jungle. 2ND WOUNDED SOLDIER No sweat, man. Just lay back. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. FORREST (V.O.) I started to get scared that I might never find Bubba. STRONGARM (over radio) You're danger close for crack air, over. Forrest trips over something and falls to the ground. He looks up to find two bloody legs. It is Lt. Dan, who is wounded. He speaks into the radio. LT. DAN (into radio) Roger, Strongarm, I know my position is danger close! We got Charlie all over this area! I gotta have those fast movers in here now! Over! STRONGARM (over radio) Six, Strongarm, we want... FORREST Lieutenant Dan, Coleman's dead! LT. DAN I know he's dead! My whole goddamned platoon is wiped out! STRONGARM (over radio) Leg Lima 6, Leg Lima 6, how copy you this transmission? Over. Forrest tries to pick up Lt. Dan, who tries to push Forrest away. LT. DAN Goddammit! What are you doing? Leave me here! Get away. Just leave me here! Get out! Forrest pulls Lt. Dan over his shoulder and runs through the jungle. STRONGARM Leg Lima 6, Leg Lima 6. This is Strongarm, be advised, your fast movers are inbound at this time, over. FORREST (V.O.) Then it felt like something just jumped up and bit me. Forrest falls down. FORREST Ah, something bit me! Forrest gets up as Lt. Dan yells. Lt. Dan fires his pistol at the unseen enemy as Forrest pulls him away. LT. DAN You dink son-of-a-bitch! I can't leave the platoon! I told you to leave me there, Gump. Forget about me. Get yourself out! Did you hear what I said! Goddammit, pull me down! Get your ass out of here! Forrest drops Lt. Dan down at the bank, next to the other wounded soldiers. Lt. Dan grabs Forrest by the shirt, angry. LT. DAN I didn't ask you to pull me out of there, goddamn you! What the hell do you think you're going? FORREST To get Bubba. LT. DAN I got an air strike inbound right now. They're gonna nape the whole area. Forrest gets up and runs as Lt. Dan yells after him. LT. DAN Gump, you stay here, goddammit! That's an order! FORREST I gotta find Bubba! Forrest runs through the jungle searching for Bubba. Forrest slows down and looks around carefully. BUBBA Forrest... FORREST Bubba... Bubba looks up as he lies on the ground. BUBBA I'm okay. Bubba holds a palm frond over his wound. Forrest removes the frond to look at the wound. Bubba's chest has been blown open. FORREST Oh, Bubba, no... BUBBA Naw, I'm gonna be all right. Forrest looks around as he hear the voices of the enemy. FORREST Come on. Come on. Come here... Forrest carries Bubba through the jungle. The sound of approaching planes fills the air. BUBBA I'm okay, Forrest. I'm all right. The roar of approaching planes is deafening. Forrest looks up in fear. Three planes dive down toward the jungle. They fire napalm as the jungle explodes with massive fireballs. Forrest runs, carrying Bubba. The fireballs explode behind him. The entire jungle area is in flames as Forrest runs. Forrest carries Bubba to the bank of the river. Lt. Dan and the other wounded soldiers wait for a rescue helicopter. LT. DAN Helo's inbound. Pop smoke, get it up there! FORREST (V.O.) If I'd a known this was gonna be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I'd a thought of something better to say. Forrest looks down at Bubba. A soldier releases a smoke canister. FORREST Hey, Bubba... BUBBA Hey, Forrest. Forrest, why'd this happen? FORREST You got shot. FORREST (V.O.) Then Bubba said something I won't even forget. BUBBA I wanna go home. FORREST (V.O.) Bubba was my best good friend. And even I know that ain't something you can find just around the corner. Bubba was gonna be a shrimpin' boat captain, but instead he died right there by that river in Vietnam. The helicopter fly overhead. BUS STATION - DAY Forrest continues with his life story. A MAN is sitting next to Forrest on the bus bench. FORREST That's all I have to say about that. MAN It was a bullet, wasn't it? FORREST A bullet? MAN That jumped up and bit you. FORREST Oh, yes sir. Bit me directly in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the Army must keep that money, 'cause I still ain't seen a nickel of that million dollars. The only good thing about being wounded in the buttocks... FLASHBACK - INT. US. ARMY HOSPITAL/VIETNAM - DAY Forrest holds two ice cream cones in his hands as he is wheeled on a rolling stretcher. FORREST (V.O.) ...is the ice cream. They gave me all the ice cream I could eat. And guess what. A good friend of mine was in the bed right next door. Forrest, lying on his stomach, is wheeled to his bed. Forrest's butt sticks up and is bandaged. Forrest looks at Lt. Dan lying on the bed. Forrest holds out an ice cream cone for Lt. Dan. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, I got you some ice cream. Lieutenant Dan, ice cream. Lt. Dan, annoyed, takes the ice cream cone and drops it into his bed pan. Forrest slides himself onto his bed. A NURSE reaches toward Lt. Dan. MALE NURSE It's time for your bath, Lieutenant. The male nurse places Lt. Dan's hands on a pull-up bar, then picks up Lt. Dan, whose legs have been amputated. MALE NURSE Harper... Another nurse wheels the rolling bed under Lt. Dan. The male nurse sets Lt. Dan down on the rolling bed. Forrest looks up at Lt. Dan as he is wheeled away. A soldier reads the names from a pile of letters. SOLDIER Cooper, Larson, Webster, Gump, Gump... FORREST I'm Forrest Gump. The soldier hands Forrest a large pile of letters. "Undeliverable as addressed. No forwarding order on file." Jenny Curran Rural Route 2 Greenbow, Ala. 39902 Forrest looks down at the pile of letters. INT. ARMY HOSPITAL/VIETNAM - DAY A group of wounded soldiers hang out in the hospital, recuperating. Forrest sits and watches "Gomer Pyle" on the television. SOLDIER Gump, how can you watch that stupid shit? Turn it off! ANNOUNCER From the D.M.Z. to the Delta, you are tuned to the American Forces Vietnam Network. This is Channel 6, Saigon. Forrest turns the TV off and he is hit on the back of the head by a ping-pong ball. SOLDIER Good catch, Gump. You know how to play this? Forrest shakes his head. SOLDIER Come on, let me show you. Here. The wounded ping-pong player hands Forrest a paddle. Forrest and the wounded ping-pong player step toward the ping-pong table. SOLDIER Now the secret to this game is, no matter what happens, never, never take your eye off the ball. He holds the ball up and moves it back and forth. Forrest keeps his eyes on the ball. SOLDIER All right... The wounded ping-pong player tosses the ball down onto the table. Forrest begins to hit the ball back to the other player. FORREST (V.O.) For some reason, ping pong came very natural to me. SOLDIER See, any idiot can play. FORREST (V.O.) So I started playing it all the time. Forrest hits ping-pong balls. FORREST (V.O.) I played ping-pong even when I didn't have anyone to play ping-pong with. The balls at land in a bed pan positioned on a chair. A group of wounded soldier sit and watch Forrest play with himself. Forrest hits two balls at a time against the opposite side of the table. FORREST (V.O.) The hospital's people said it made me look like a duck in water, whatever that means. Even Lieutenant Dan would come and watch me play. Lt. Dan stares out the window. Forrest lies in his bed asleep. A hand reaches and grabs him. FORREST (V.O.) I played ping-pong so much, I even played it in my sleep. Lt. Dan pulls Forrest to the floor, and holds Forrest down. LT. DAN Now, you listen to me. We all have a destiny. Nothing just happens, it's all part of a plan. I should have died out there with my men! But now, I'm nothing but a goddamned cripple! A legless freak. Look! Look! Look at me! Do you see that? Do you know what it's like not to be able to use your legs? FORREST Well... Yes, sir, I do. LT. DAN Did you hear what I said? You cheated me. I had a destiny. I was supposed to die in the field! With honor! That was my destiny! And you cheated me out of it! You understand what I'm saying, Gump? This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me. I had a destiny. I was Lieutenant Dan Tyler. FORREST Yo-You're still Lieutenant Dan. Lt. Dan looks at Forrest, lets go of Forrest and rolls. Lt. Dan sits up as Forrest looks at him. LT. DAN Look at me. What am I gonna do now? What am I gonna do now? INT. REC ROOM/VIETNAM HOSPITAL - ANOTHER DAY Forrest plays ping-pong by himself. An OFFICER walks up to him. OFFICER P.F.C. Gump? Forrest immediately grabs the ball and places it down on the table under its paddle. Stands at attention. FORREST Yes, sir! OFFICER As you were. The officer holds up an envelope. OFFICER Son, you've been awarded the Medal of Honor. INT. VIETNAM HOSPITAL WARD Forrest steps up to Lt. Dan's bed. FORREST Guess what, Lieutenant Dan, they want to give me a me... Forrest stops in mid-sentence as he looks down at the bed. A heavily bandaged soldier with bloodstains lies there. Forrest turns and look at the NURSE. FORREST Ma'am, what'd they do with Lieutenant Dan? NURSE They sent him home. FORREST (V.O.) Two weeks later, I left Vietnam. INT. BARBER SHOP/GREENBOW - DAY ANCHORMAN (on T.V.) The ceremony was kicked off with a candid speech by the President regarding the need for further escalation of the war in Vietnam. President Johnson awarded four Medals of Honor to men from each of the Armed Services. The television reveals Forrest as he is awarded the Medal of Honor by President Johnson. PRESIDENT JOHNSON America owes you a debt of gratitude, son. Color footage revealing President Johnson as he places the award around Forrest's neck and shakes hands. PRESIDENT JOHNSON I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit? FORREST In the buttocks, sir. PRESIDENT JOHNSON Oh, that must be a sight. President Johnson leans and whispers into Forrest's ear. PRESIDENT JOHNSON I'd kinda like to see that. INT. BARBER SHOP The television revealing Forrest as he drops his pants, bends over and shows the bullet wound on his bare buttocks. President Johnson looks down and smiles. The three men in the barber shop look up in disbelief. Mrs. Gump looks up in shock. PRESIDENT JOHNSON Goddamn, son. EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - DAY Forrest walks by the Lincoln Memorial. A fence surrounds the Memorial, as well as armed military guards. FORREST (V.O.) After that, Momma went to the hotel to lay down, so I went out for a walk to see our national capital. ISABEL Hilary, all right, I've got the vets, what do you want me to do with them? HILARY What are you doing here so late? Forrest takes a photo of the memorial as a woman named Hilary gathers together some veterans against the Vietnam War. HILARY We've been waiting for you for half an hour, so just get them in a line, will you. Hey, hey, come on, pictures later. You look great. Oh come on, get in this line, come on, come on right in line. Come on, let him here, let him in here. Hilary grabs Forrest and puts him in the line with the other vets against the war. FORREST (V.O.) It's a good thing Momma was resting, 'cause the street was awful crowded with people looking at all the statues and monuments. And some of them people were loud and pushy. Hilary leads the line of vets toward the large anti-Vietnam War rally. HILARY Okay, follow me! Come on. The group of vets walk as Forrest tries to take another picture. A vet behind him pushes him along. HILARY Let's move it out. VET Hey, buddy, come on. We could use your help. Forrest walks in the line. A banner reads "Veterans against the War in Vietnam." FORREST (V.O.) Everywhere I went, I had to stand in line. HILARY Follow me, let's go! Hilary leads the vets through a crowd of people outside the rally. Another woman, named Isabel, leads the vets toward the back of a stage. ISABEL All right, come on, guys. HILARY Stand here. VET Hey, you're a good man for doin' this. Good! FORREST Okay. A man, wearing an American flag shirt, stands on the stage. He is anti-war activist ABBIE HOFFMAN. ABBIE HOFFMAN We must declare to that fucking impostor in the White House -- Johnson. We ain't going to work on your farm no more! Yeah! FORREST (V.O.) There was this man, giving a little talk. And for some reason, he was wearing an American flag for a shirt... ABBIE HOFFMAN Now, I'm going to bring up some soldiers that are going to talk about the war, man... FORREST (V.O.) ...and he liked to say the "F" word. A lot. "F" this and "F" that. And every time... ABBIE HOFFMAN ...that war has come home, and we have to stop these politicians... FORREST (V.O.) ...he said "F" word, people, for some reason, well, they'd cheer. ABBIE HOFFMAN ...these guys just told Lyndon Johnson where to stick this fucking war! Yeah! Forrest looks up at the cheering crowd. Abbie turns and motions for Forrest to come up on the stage. ABBIE HOFFMAN Come on, man. Come up here, man. HILARY Come on. Come on. Yeah, you! Hilary pulls Forrest up onto the stage. HILARY Come on, get up there. Come on. Move, move. Let's go! Let's go. The other vets follow Forrest pushes onto the stage and push him toward the microphones. VET Come on, go. You can do it. Just get up there. Go on. That's it. Thousands of cheering protesters stand around the Washington Monument. Forrest looks at the crowd. Abbie Hoffmann steps up to Forrest. ABBIE HOFFMAN Tell us a little bit about the war, man. FORREST The war in Vietnam? ABBIE HOFFMAN The war in Viet-fucking-nam! Abbie raises his fist as the crowd cheers wildly. FORREST Well... FORREST (V.O.) There was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam. FORREST ...there was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam. Forrest looks at the crowd as he speaks. A policeman looks around as he sneaks over to the audio circuit board. FORREST In Vietnam war... The policeman pulls the patch cords out of the audio board. Forrest's amplified voice becomes inaudible. Forrest continues to speak into the microphone, even though no one can hear what he is saying. Hilary looks over and notices the policeman. Hilary rushes over toward the audio board, pushes the policeman away and grabs his night stick. Another protester grabs the policeman and pulls him away. POLICEMAN Hey, what the hell are you doing? HILARY I'll beat your head in, you goddamned oinker! Isabel, Hilary and another protester try to plug the tangled mess of wires back into the audio board. ISABEL Christ, what'd they do with this? Forrest continues to speak into the microphone. The crowd grows restless. CROWD We can't hear you! We can't hear anything! HILARY This one! This one! Give me that! Hilary plugs in the right patch cord. HILARY That's it. FORREST ...and that's all I have to say about that. Forrest looks at the massive crowd. They are silent. Abbie Hoffman steps over to Forrest and pats him on the shoulder. ABBIE HOFFMAN That's so right on, man. You said it all. What's your name, man? FORREST My name is Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. ABBIE HOFFMAN Forrest Gump! Abbie raises his fist into the air. Abbie steps away from Forrest. The crowd cheers. CROWD Forrest Gump! JENNY (screaming) Forrest! Forrest! Jenny wades out into the reflection pool and waves her hand into the air. Forrest recognizes her. FORREST Jenny! Forrest rushes off the stage as Jenny makes her way out into the pool. JENNY Forrest! Forrest jumps down into the crowd and runs. Jenny smiles as she tries to run through the water. The crowd parts as Forrest runs into the pool. Jenny rushes toward him. JENNY Hey! Hey! The massive crowd cheers for the embracing couple in the pool. FORREST (V.O.) It was the happiest moment of my life. EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT/PROTESTER'S ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT Forrest and Jenny walk past the protesters who are camping out on the lawn. FORREST (V.O.) Jenny and me were just peas and carrots again. She showed me around, and even introduced me... INT. BLACK PANTHER HEADQUARTERS/STOREFRONT, D.C. - NIGHT Forrest stands at an open window and looks at the White House. FORREST (V.O.) ...to some of her new friends. A Black Panther, named RUBEN, steps over and pulls the shades down. RUBEN Shut that blind, man. And get your white ass away from that window. Don't you know we in war here? Another Black Panther named MASAI grabs Forrest and pats him down. JENNY Hey man, he's cool. He's cool. He's one of us. He's one of us. MASAI Let me tell you about us. WESLEY Where the hell have you been? JENNY I ran into a friend. MASAI Our purpose here is to protect our black leaders from the racial onslaught of the pig who wishes to brutalize our black leaders, rape our women, and destroy our black communists. BLACK PANTHER Masai, phone. Talk to these guys. WESLEY Who's the baby killer? JENNY This is my good friend I told you about. This is Forrest Gump. Forrest, this is Wesley. Wesley and I live together in Berkeley, and he's the president of the Berkeley chapter of S.D.S. MASAI Let me tell you something else. WESLEY I want to talk to you. JENNY Okay, but... WESLEY No. Now! Goddammit! MASAI We are here to offer protection and help for all of those who need our help, because we, the Black Panthers, are against the war in Vietnam. Yes, we are against any war where black soldiers are sent to the front line to die for a country that hates them. Yes, we are against any war where black soldiers go to fight and come to be brutalized and killed in their own communities as they sleep in their beds at night. Yes, we are against all these racists and imperial dog acts. JENNY You are a fucking asshole! Wesley hits Jenny across the face. Slow motion -- Jenny falls back. Slow motion -- Forrest steps forward with rage. Slow motion -- Wesley turns and looks at Forrest. Forrest tackles Wesley and slams him onto a table. Jenny turns and looks as Masai pulls out a gun. JENNY Forrest! Quit it! Quit it! Forrest! Stop it! Jenny rushes over to Forrest and pulls Forrest off Wesley. JENNY Stop it! Jenny tries to help Wesley as he moans on the floor. Wesley knocks Jenny's hand away. He gets up, holding his bloody lip. WESLEY Oh, God. I shouldn't have brought you here. I should have known it was just gonna be some bullshit hassle. FORREST He should not be hitting you, Jenny. JENNY Come on, Forrest. Jenny steps out the door as Forrest picks up his hat. FORREST Sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party. The group of Black Panthers glare at Forrest. Forrest turns and walks out the room. EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT Forrest and Jenny walk past the White House. Protesters hold a candlelight vigil behind them. JENNY He doesn't mean it when he does things like this. He doesn't. FORREST I would never hurt you, Jenny. JENNY I know you wouldn't, Forrest. FORREST I wanted to be your boyfriend. They walk in silence. Jenny touches Forrest's uniform. JENNY That uniform is a trip, Forrest. You look handsome in it. You do. FORREST You know what? JENNY What? FORREST I'm glad we were here together in our national capitol. JENNY Me too, Forrest. I have so much to tell you, you won't believe what's been going on... FORREST (V.O.) We walked around all night, Jenny and me, just talkin'. EXT. ROUTE 66 - FLASHBACK - DAY Jenny stands in the rain, hitchhiking. A car pulls over to pick her up. Jenny and other other girls get into the car. FORREST (V.O.) She told me about all the travellin' she's done. EXT. COMMUNE IN NEW MEXICO - NIGHT A hippie gives Jenny a sugar cube of acid as they sit in front of a roaring fire. FORREST (V.O.) And how she'd discovered ways to expand her mind and learn how to live in harmony... EXT. HOLLYWOOD/WALK OF FAME - DAY A star with the name "Jean Harlow" on the sidewalk. Jenny and two other girls sing on the sidewalk and collect change from the passersby. Jenny plays the guitar. FORREST (V.O.) ...which must be out west somewhere, 'cause she made it all the way to California. JENNY (sings) "Smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love on another right now" A young hippie looks over his faded Volkswagen at the girls. YOUNG HIPPIE Hey, anybody want to go to San Francisco? JENNY I'll go. YOUNG HIPPIE Far out! EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - DAWN Forrest and Jenny walk through the park. FORREST (V.O.) I was a very special night for the two of us. I didn't want it to end. EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING Jenny carries a backpack as she prepares to board a bus back to Berkeley. FORREST I wish you wouldn't go, Jenny. JENNY I have to, Forrest. WESLEY Jenny? Things got a little out of hand. It's just this war and that, that lyin' son-of-a-bitch Johnson. I would never hurt you. You know that. FORREST You know what I think? I think you should go home to Greenbow. Alabama! JENNY Forrest, we have very different lives, you know. Forrest looks down at Jenny. He pulls his Medal of Honor from around his neck. FORREST I want you to have this. Forrest places the Medal of Honor in Jenny's hand. Jenny looks up at him. JENNY Forrest, I can't keep this. FORREST I got it just by doing what you told me to do. JENNY Why're you so good to me? FORREST You're my girl. JENNY I'll always be your girl. Jenny and Forrest hug each other. Wesley waits for Jenny. Jenny turns and walks up to Wesley. They walk toward the entrance of the bus. Forrest smiles as Jenny looks at her. Jenny climbs up into the bus. Wesley glares at Forrest. Forrest gives Wesley the "evil eye." Jenny through the near window of the bus, knocks on the window. Forrest turns and looks. Jenny waves to Forrest. Forrest looks up and smiles sadly. Jenny gives Forrest the peace sign as the bus pulls away. The sign on the back of the bus reads "Berkeley to D.C." Forrest gives Jenny the peace sign. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, she was gone out of my life again. INT. VETERANS ADMINISTRATION HOSPITAL/REC ROOM - DAY A footage of Neil Armstrong's first step on the moon on television. NEIL ARMSTRONG That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. The, uh, the surface is fine and powdery. I can, I can pick it up loosely. Forrest demonstrates a ping-pong to some wounded vets. FORREST (V.O.) I thought I was going back to Vietnam, but instead, they decided the best way for me to fight communists was to play ping-pong. So I was in the Special Services, traveling around the country cheering up all them wounded veterans and showing them how to play... BUS STOP - PRESENT - DAY Forrest looks at a man. FORREST ...ping-pong. I was so good that some years later... EXT. CHINA/PING-PONG TOURNAMENT - FLASHBACK - DAY Forrest plays ping-pong against a Chinese player. A large mural of Mao Tse-tung hangs on the wall. A crowd of communist leaders sit and watch. FORREST (V.O.) ...the Army decided I should be on the All-American Ping-Pong Team. We were the first Americans to visit the land of China in like a million years or something like that, and somebody said that world peace was in our hands. But all I did was play ping-pong. When I got home... BUS STOP - PRESENT - DAY FORREST ...I was national celebrity. Famouser even than Captain Kangaroo. Color footage of the DICK CAVETT Show. Dick Cavett stands up as he introduces Forrest. DICK CAVETT Here he is, Forrest Gump, right here. Forrest makes his way onto the stage, shakes hands with Dick Cavett. DICK CAVETT Mr. Gump, have a seat. Forrest sits down between JOHN LENNON and Dick Cavett. DICK CAVETT Forrest Gump, John Lennon. JOHN LENNON Welcome home. DICK CAVETT You had quite a trip. Can you, uh, tell us, uh, what was China like? John Lennon lights a cigarette. FORREST Well, in the land of China, people hardly got nothing at all. JOHN LENNON No possessions? FORREST And in China, they never go to church. JOHN LENNON No religion, too? DICK CAVETT Oh. Hard to imagine. JOHN LENNON Well, it's easy if you try, Dick. Forrest looks oddly at John Lennon. FORREST (V.O.) Some years later, that nice young man from England was on his way home to see his little boy and was signing some autographs. For no particular reason at all, somebody shot him. EXT. STUDIO - LATER A guard lets Forrest out a side entrance door. Forrest steps, an then stops as he hears s man sitting in a wheelchair speak to him. LT. DAN They gave you the Congressional Medal of Honor. FORREST Now that's Lieutenant Dan. Lieutenant Dan! Forrest looks at Lt. Dan. He is a dirty with long hair. LT. DAN They gave you the Congressional Medal of Honor! FORREST Yes sir, they sure did. LT. DAN They gave you an imbecile, a moron who goes on television and makes a fool out himself in front of the whole damn country, the Congressional Medal of Honor. FORREST Yes, sir. LT. DAN Well, then, that's just perfect! Yeah, well I just got one thing to say to that. Goddamn bless America. Lt. Dan's wheelchair begins to slide down the ramp and spins around on the icy ground. Forrest looks down at Lt. Dan crashes at the bottom of the ramp. FORREST Lieutenant Dan! EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS - NIGHT Taxi cabs crowd the street as Forrest pushes Lt. Dan along the sidewalk. FORREST (V.O.) Lieutenant Dan said he was living in a hotel. And because he didn't have no legs, he spent most of his time exercising his arms. LT. DAN Take a right, take a right. A taxi driver honks his horn as Forrest wheels Lt. Dan out in front of the taxi. TAXI DRIVER #1 Hey! Come on already! LT. DAN Ah! FORREST What are you doing here in New York, Lieutenant Dan? LT. DAN I'm living off the government tit. Sucking it dry. A taxi skids to a stop, almost hitting them as they cross the street. The taxi honks at Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan slaps the bumper of the taxi. LT. DAN Hey! Hey! Hey! Are you blind? I'm walking here! Ah, get out... TAXI DRIVER #2 Why don't you go home before you kill yourself? Get out of the way! LT. DAN Come on, go! Go! Go! EXT. LT. DAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER A Bob Hope Christmas special in Vietnam on television. Lt. Dan and Forrest watch the television. FORREST (V.O.) I stayed with Lieutenant Dan and celebrated the holidays. BOB HOPE You have a great year and hurry home. God bless you. LT. DAN Have you found Jesus yet, Gump? FORREST I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir. Lt. Dan chuckles, drinks the rest of a bottle of wine and tosses it down. He looks at Forrest. He wheels himself over to television and turns it off. LT. DAN That's all these cripples, down at the V.A., that's all they ever talk about. Lt. Dan picks up another bottle of port wine, but it is empty. He tosses it onto the floor. LT. DAN Jesus this and Jesus that. Have I found Jesus? They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening, but I have to help myself. Now, if I accept Jesus into my heart, I'll get to walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Lt. Dan tosses the empty liquor bottle down and picks another bottle. He becomes enraged as he throws the bottle and looks at Forrest. LT. DAN Did you hear what I said? Walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Well, kiss my crippled ass. God is listening. What a crock of shit. FORREST I'm going to heaven, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Huh? Ah, well, before you go, why don't you get your ass down to the corner and get us another bottle of wine. FORREST Yes, sir. INT. TIMES SQUARE BAR - NIGHT A television shows DICK CLARK as he emcees the Times Square New York Eve celebration. DICK CLARK We are at approximately 45th Street in New York City at One Astor Plaza. This is the site of the old Astor Hotel. Down below us, well over a hundred thousand people are milling about, cheering with horns and whistles and hats... LT. DAN What the hell's in Bayou La Batre? FORREST Shrimpin' boats. LT. DAN Shrimpin' boats? Who gives a shit about shrimpin' boats? FORREST I gotta buy me one of them shrimpin' boats as soon as I have some money. I made me a promise to Bubba in Vietnam, that as soon as the war was over, we'd go in partners. He'd be the captain of the shrimpin' boat and I'd be his first mate. But now that he's dead, that means that I gotta be the captain. LT. DAN A shrimp boat captain. FORREST Yes, sir. A promise is a promise, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Now hear this! Private Gump here is gonna be a shrimp boat captain. Well, I tell you what, Gilligan, the day that you are a shrimp boat captain, I will come and be your first mate. FORREST Okay. LT. DAN If you're ever a shrimp boat captain, that's the day I'm an astronaut. Two sleazy women, named LENORE and CARLA, walk up to Lt. Dan. LENORE Danny, what are you complaining about? CARLA What are you doing, huh? LENORE Mr. Hot Wheels. Who's your friend? FORREST My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump. LT. DAN This is Cunning Carla, and Long-Limbs Lenore. Carla puts a "Happy New Year" crown on Lt. Dan's head. Lenore fixes her makeup. CARLA So where you been, baby-cakes, huh? Haven't seen you around lately. You know, you should have been here for Christmas 'cause Tommy bought a round on the house and gave everybody a turkey sandwich. LT. DAN Well, well, I had, uh, company. LENORE Hey, hey! We was, we was just there. That's at Times Square. Lenore leans and speaks into Forrest's ear. LENORE Don't you just love New Year's? You get to start all over. CARLA Hey, Lenore. LENORE Everybody gets a second chance. FORREST (V.O.) It's funny, but in the middle of all that fun, I began to think about Jenny. DICK CLARK (on television) ...getting wild out there. It's beginning to... INT. APARTMENT/L.A. - NIGHT The New Year's Eve celebration over the T.V. DICK CLARK (over television) ...pour here in Times Square. It's been off-and-on all night, but these people hang in there. Jenny fills her bag with her belongings. FORREST (V.O.) Wondering how she was spending her New Year's night out in California. A man lies passed out on the bed. Jenny looks at her black eye in a mirror, then leaves the apartment. The TV shows the ball in Times Square. CROWD (over television) INT. TIMES SQUARE BAR - NIGHT The ball is lowered, lighting up a sign that reads "1972." CROWD (over television) ...1! Happy New Year! The people in the bar cheer and kiss each other. They blow horns and toss confetti into the air. Forrest looks around as Carla and Lenore lean over and kiss him. PATRONS (sing) "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind... FORREST Happy New Year, Lieutenant Dan! PATRONS (sing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne." INT. LT. DAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER Carla removes her top and sits on top of Dan in his wheelchair. They kiss and play around. Forrest sits in a chair. Lenore leaps on him and begins to kiss Forrest. She reaches down to Forrest's crotch. Forrest stands up nervously, causing Lenore to fall down on the floor. Lenore stands up, angry. LENORE What are you, stupid or something? What's your problem? What's his problem? Did you lose your pecker in the war or something? CARLA What, is your friend stupid or something? LT. DAN What did you say? CARLA I said, is your friend stupid or something? LT. DAN Hey! Don't call him stupid! Lt. Dan throws Carla back onto the bed. CARLA Don't push me like that! LENORE Hey, don't you push her! LT. DAN You shut up! Don't you ever call him stupid! CARLA What's the matter, baby? Why you treating me like shit? LT. DAN Get the hell out of here! LENORE You stupid gimp. You belong in "Ripley's Believe It Or Not." LT. DAN Get the hell out of here! Go on! LENORE You should be in a side show! LT. DAN Go on! Get out of here! Get out of here! LENORE You big loser! CARLA Come on, Lenore. We don't need this shit! LENORE You're so pathetic. LT. DAN Get out of here! Lt. Dan falls out of his wheelchair and lands down on the floor. Carla and Lenore laugh as they leave the apartment. CARLA You retard! LENORE You loser! You freak! Forrest tries to help Lt. Dan. Lt. Dan pushes Forrest away. LT. DAN No! Forrest steps back as Lt. Dan flips back over, then pulls himself back up onto his wheelchair. He breathes heavily. FORREST I'm sorry I ruined your New Year's Eve party, Lieutenant Dan. She tastes like cigarettes. FORREST (V.O.) I guess Lieutenant Dan figured there's some things you just can't change. He didn't want to be called crippled, just like I didn't want to be called stupid. LT. DAN Happy New Year. EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT An ANCHORMAN reports in front of the White House. ANCHORMAN The U.S. Ping-Pong Team met with President Nixon today at an Oval Office ceremony... FORREST (V.O.) And wouldn't you know it... PRESENT - BUS STOP Forrest looks at the fat man on the bus bench. FORREST ...a few months later they invited me and the ping-pong team to visit the White House. So I went again. And I met the President of the United States again. INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY A plaque, presented to Forrest, reads "Presented to Forrest Gump, member of the United States table tennis team as player of the year for 1971. President NIXON holds the plaque. FORREST (V.O.) Only this time they didn't get us rooms in a real fancy hotel. PRESIDENT NIXON So are you enjoying yourself in our national capital, young man? FORREST Yes, sir. PRESIDENT NIXON Well, where are you staying? FORREST It's called the Hotel Ebbott. PRESIDENT NIXON Oh, no, no, no, no. I know of a much nicer hotel. It's brand-new. Very modern. I'll have my people take care of it for you. INT. WATERGATE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Forrest speaks on the phone. SECURITY GUARD Security, Frank Wills. Forrest steps over to a window. Flashlights are moving around in an office across from Forrest's room. FORREST Yeah, sir, you might want to send a maintenance man over to that office across the way. The lights are off, and they must be looking for the fuse box or something, 'cause them flashlights they're, they're keeping me awake. SECURITY GUARD Okay, sir. I'll check it out. FORREST Thank you. SECURITY GUARD No problem. FORREST Good night. SECURITY GUARD Good night. Forrest hangs up the phone. The camera tilts down, revealing the hotel stationary, which reads "The Watergate Hotel." INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY President Nixon makes a resignation speech on TV. PRESIDENT NIXON (over television) Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. The television cuts to a shot of President Nixon standing outside Air Force One with his hands in the peace sign. PRESIDENT NIXON (over television) Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office. As I recall the high hopes for America with which we began this second term, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here in this office... Forrest is playing ping-pong by himself at the gymnasium. An officer steps up to him. OFFICER Sergeant Gump! FORREST Yes, sir! OFFICER As you were. I have your discharge papers. Your service is up, son. The officer hands Forrest an envelope, then walks away. FORREST Does this mean I can't play ping pong no more? OFFICER For the Army it does. FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, my service in the United States Army was over. So I went home. Forrest takes his paddle and runs out of the gymnasium. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Mrs. Gump walks out of the house and smiles. Forrest walks up to the house, wearing his uniform. FORREST I'm home, Momma. MRS. GUMP I know, I know. INT. GUMP HOUSE Mrs. Gump and Forrest walk into the house. MRS. GUMP Louise, he's here. He's here, everybody. FORREST (V.O.) Now, when I got home, I had no idea that Momma had had all sorts of visitors. In the house are stacks of ping-pong paddles and life-sized cardboard cutouts of Forrest playing ping-pong. The name on the ping-pong paddles boxes reads: "Gump-Mao table tennis." MRS. GUMP We've had all sorts of visitors, Forrest. Everybody wants you to use their ping-pong stuff. One man even left a check for twenty-five thousand dollars if you'd be agreeable to saying you like using their paddle. FORREST Oh, Momma. I only like using my own paddle. Hi, Miss Louise. LOUISE Hey, Forrest. MRS. GUMP I know that. I know that. But it's twenty-five thousand dollars, Forrest. I thought maybe you could hold it for a while, see if it grows on you. Oh, you look good, Forrest. You look real good. FORREST (V.O.) That Momma, she sure was right. It's funny how things work out. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE/BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE - DAY Forrest walks up to a shack on the edge of the Bayou. A group of black kids play in the front yard. FORREST (V.O.) I didn't stay home for long, because I'd made a promise to Bubba. And I always try to keep my promise. So I went on down to Bayou La Batre to meet Bubba's family and make their introduction. Bubba's mother named MRS. BLUE and her other children look at Forrest. MRS. BLUE Are you crazy, or just plain stupid? FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs. Blue. MRS. BLUE I guess. EXT. BUBBA'S GRAVE - DAY Forrest steps over to Bubba's tombstone. FORREST (V.O.) And of course, I paid my respect to Bubba himself. FORREST Hey, Bubba, it's me, Forrest Gump. I remember everything you said, and I got it all figured out. Forrest pulls out notes from his pocket. FORREST I'm taking the twenty-four thousand, five hundred and six-two dollars and forty-seven cents that I got... EXT. BAYOU - DAY Forrest walks across a yard where men are cleaning shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) ...well, that's left after a new hair cut and a new suit and I took Momma out to real fancy dinner and I bought a bus ticket and three Doctor Peppers. Forrest walks along a wooden pier. Forrest pays an old black shrimper a large wad of cash. OLD SHRIMPER Tell me something. Are you stupid or something? FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, sir. EXT. BUBBA'S GRAVE Forrest stands at the grave. FORREST Well, that's what's left after me saying, "When I was in China on the All-America Ping-Pong Team, I just loved playing ping-pong with my Flex- O-Ping-Pong Paddle." Which everybody knows it isn't true, but Momma says it's just a little white lie so it wouldn't hurt nobody. So, anyway, I'm putting all that on gas, ropes and new nets and a brand-new shrimpin' boat. EXT. BAYOU - DAY Forrest steers his shrimping boat. The boat is old and rusty. Forrest unleashes his nets as his catch of the day drops to the deck. It is a bunch of garbage and shells. Forrest picks up one shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) Now, Bubba had told me everything he knows about shrimpin', but you know what I found out? Shrimpin' is tough. EXT. DOCKS Forrest pulls a couple of shrimp out of a bucket. FORREST I only caught five. OLD SHRIMPER A couple of more, you can have yourself a cocktail. The old shrimper begins to walk away, then stops and looks at Forrest. OLD SHRIMPER Hey, you ever think about namin' this old boat? FORREST (V.O.) I'd never named a boat before, but there was only one I could think of. Forrest paints a name on the side of his boat. The name is "Jenny." FORREST (V.O.) The most beautiful name in the wide world. INT. DISCO Disco lights flash and people dance. A guy asks a girl to dance. GIRL Okay. Jenny sits at a table with some other people. She is snorting cocaine. FORREST (V.O.) Now, I hadn't heard from Jenny in a long while. But... EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE - DAY Forrest stands at the helm as the boat glides across the water. FORREST (V.O.) But I thought about her a lot. And I hoped that whatever she was doing made her happy. INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Drug paraphernalia and a large wad of cash are spread out on a table. A man drops a syringe on the table. He reaches over and touches Jenny. She is pale with dark lines under her eyes. INT. BATHROOM Jenny smears some lines of cocaine on a mirror. She looks at herself in the mirror. EXT. BALCONY Jenny steps out onto the high-rise balcony. She steps up on a table and stands on the edge of the balcony. A busy street lies many stories below. Jenny looks down to the intersection below. She slips over the edge, regains her balance, turns and looks back at the intersection below, and begins to get down from the edge. Jenny grabs a hold of the ledge and carefully climbs down. She sits down on a chair. Jenny rocks back and forth as she cries. She looks up at the sky. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE/FORREST'S BOAT - NIGHT The moon shines above in the sky. Forrest lies in a hammock on his boat. FORREST (V.O.) I thought about Jenny all the time. EXT. FORREST'S BOAT/BAYOU DOCK - DAY Forrest stands at the helm of his boat and slowly glides by the docks. Forrest looks around and notices something and bends down to get a clear view. Lt. Dan sits in his wheelchair on the deck. Forrest looks at Lt. Dan. He smiles, surprised. FORREST Hi! Forrest leaps off of his moving boat and into the water. The boat continues as Forrest clumsily swims. Lt. Dan sits in his wheelchair at the edge of the dock. Forrest flails his arms as he swims up to the dock. Lt. Dan waits for Forrest, smoking a cigar. Forrest climbs up a ladder onto the dock. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, what are you doing here? LT. DAN Well, I thought I'd try out my sea legs. FORREST Well, you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Well, well, Captain Forrest Gump. I had to see this for myself. And I told you if you were ever a shrimp boat captain, that I'd be your first mate. Well, here I am. I am a man of my word. FORREST Okay. Forrest shakes Lt. Dan's hand. LT. DAN Yeah, but don't you be thinking that I'm gonna be calling you sir. FORREST No, sir. Forrest's boat glides, crushing a dock. Forrest and Lt. Dan look at it. FORREST That's my boat. EXT. BAYOU LA BATRE WATERS - DAY Forrest's shrimping boat is alone on the gulf waters. LT. DAN I have a feeling if we head the east, we'll find some shrimp. So, take a left. Take a left. Forrest looks up. Lt. Dan is sitting in the rigging. FORREST Which way? LT. DAN Over there! They're over there! Get, get on the wheel and take a left! FORREST Okay. LT. DAN Gump, what are you doing? Take a left! Left! That's where we're gonna find those shrimp, my boy! That's where we'll find 'em. Forrest empties the net. Their "catch" is debris that falls to the deck. FORREST Still no shrimp, Lieutenant Dan. LT. DAN Okay, so I was wrong. FORREST Well, how we gonna find them? LT. DAN Well, maybe you should just pray for shrimp. INT. SMALL CHURCH - DAY The all-black gospel choir sings and claps their hands. FORREST (V.O.) So I went to church every Sunday... Lt. Dan is sitting in his chair at the back of the church. He takes swigs from a liquor bottle. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes Lieutenant Dan came, too. Though I think he left the praying up to me. EXT. BOAT - ANOTHER DAY A catch of junk is dumped onto the deck. Lt. Dan lowers himself from the rigging. FORREST No shrimp. LT. DAN Where the hell's this God of yours? The wind begins to blow strong. FORREST (V.O.) It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that, 'cause right then, God showed up. EXT. BOAT - NIGHT Water sprays on deck during a hurricane. Lt. Dan on the rigging, shouts and shakes his fist as he is pelted by wind and rain. LT. DAN You'll never sink this boat! FORREST (V.O.) Now me, I was scared. But Lieutenant Dan, he was mad. LT. DAN Come on! You call this a storm? Forrest slides back and forth as he attempts to steer the boat. LT. DAN Blow, you son-of-a-bitch! Blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me. I'm right here. Come and get me! You'll never sink this boat! INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY An ANCHORMAN over TV, is standing in front of a pier. ANCHORMAN (over television) Hurricane Carmen came through here yesterday... EXT. BAYOU DOCKS - DAY The anchorman is standing in front of the ruined pier and boats. ANCHORMAN ...destroying nearly everything in its path. And as in other towns up and down the coast, Bayou La Batre's entire shrimping industry... INT. GUMP HOUSE ANCHORMAN ...has fallen victim to Carmen and has been left in utter ruin. Speaking with local officials, this reporter has learned, in fact, only one shrimping boat actually survived the storm. Forrest's boat comes down the river. MRS. GUMP Louise. Louise, there's Forrest! FORREST (V.O.) After that, shrimpin' was easy. FORREST'S BOAT - DAY Lt. Dan and Forrest empty their net. A huge catch of shrimp falls onto the deck. Lt. Dan opens another big catch. Another catch drops open on top of yet another huge catch. Forrest and Lt. Dan smile. FORREST (V.O.) And since people still needed them shrimps for shrimp cocktails and barbecues and all... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT The man sitting on the bench listens to Forrest. An ELDERLY WOMAN sits next to the man. FORREST ...and we were the only boat left standing "Bubba-Gump" shrimp's what they got. We got a whole bunch of boats. Twelve Jenny's, a big ol' warehouse, we even have hats that says "Bubba-Gump" on 'em. "Bubba- Gump Shrimp." It's a household name. MAN Hold on there, boy. Are you telling me you're the owner of the Bubba- Gump Shrimp Corporation? FORREST Yes, sir. We've got more money than Davy Crocket. MAN Boy, I've heard some whoppers in my time, but that tops them all. We was sitting next to a millionaire! The man laughs as he walks away. ELDERLY WOMAN Well, I thought it was a very lovely story. And you tell it so well. With such enthusiasm. FORREST Would you like to see what Lieutenant Dan looks like? ELDERLY WOMAN Well, yes, I would! Forrest shows her the cover of a "Fortune" magazine with Forrest and Lt. Dan on the cover. FORREST That's him right there. The elderly woman looks at the magazine and at Forrest with surprise. FORREST And let me tell you something about Lieutenant Dan. EXT. BOAT/DECK - DAY Forrest and Lt. Dan are working on the boat. LT. DAN Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life. Forrest looks a little surprised. Lt. Dan smiles, then looks away. Lt. Dan pulls himself out of his chair to the railing and jumps into the water. FORREST (V.O.) He never actually said so, but I think he made his peace with God. EXT. BOAT Forrest and Lt. Dan have dinner on the deck. The television shows an assassination attempt on President Gerald Ford. ANCHORMAN (over television) For the second time in seventeen days, President Ford escaped possible assassination today when a woman, Sarah Jane Moore, fired on him as he stepped out of a hotel in San Francisco. MARGO (over radio) Base to Jenny One. Base to Jenny One. LT. DAN Jenny One, go Margo. MARGO (over radio) Forrest has a phone call. LT. DAN Yeah, well you'll have to tell them to call him back. He is indisposed at the moment. MARGO (over radio) His momma's sick. ANCHORMAN (over television) Lynett Alice Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson better known as "Squeaky," attempted to assassinate the President as he was... Forrest dives into the water as he reacts. EXT. ROAD/GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest carries a suitcase as he runs down the road. Forrest runs past the row of mailboxes and turns into the drive. Louise and others are on the front porch. FORREST Where's Momma? LOUISE She's upstairs. INT. GUMP HOUSE - WOMAN'S BED ROOM Forrest opens the door, the doctor stands next to Mrs. Gump in bed. MRS. GUMP Hi, Forrest. DOCTOR I'll see you tomorrow. MRS. GUMP Oh, all right. The doctor looks down at Forrest's legs. DOCTOR We sure got you straightened out, didn't we, boy? The doctor leaves and closes the door. Forrest takes off his hat and steps over to her. FORREST What's the matter, Momma? MRS. GUMP I'm dyin', Forrest. Come on in, sit down over here. FORREST Why are you dyin', Momma? MRS. GUMP It's my time. It's just my time. Oh, now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart. Death is just a part of life. It's something we're all destined to do. I didn't know it, but I was destined to be your momma. I did the best I could. FORREST You did good, Momma. MRS. GUMP Well, I happened to believe you make your own destiny. You have to do the best with what God gave you. FORREST What's my destiny, Momma? MRS. GUMP You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Life is a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get. FORREST (V.O.) Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. MRS. GUMP I will miss you, Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) She had got the cancer and died on a Tuesday. I bought her a new hat with little flowers on it. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT The elderly woman and Forrest sit. The woman is crying and wipes her eyes with a hankie. FORREST And that's all I have to say about that. A bus stops. Forrest looks at the elderly woman. FORREST Didn't you say you were waiting for the Number Seven bus? ELDERLY WOMAN There'll be another one along shortly. FORREST Now, because I had been a football star, and a war hero, and a national celebrity, and a shrimpin' boat captain, and a college graduate, the city of fathers of Greenbow, Alabama, decided to get together and offered me a fine job. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY Forrest rides a lawn tractor as he moves the football field lawn. FORREST (V.O.) So, I never went back to work for Lieutenant Dan. EXT. GUMP HOUSE MAILBOXES Forrest takes out a letter and opens it. FORREST (V.O.) Though he did take care of my Bubba- Gump money. He got me invested in some kind of fruit company. And so then I got a call from him saying we don't have to worry about money no more. EXT. BUS STOP FORREST And I said, "That's good. One less thing." INT. CHURCH - DAY The choir and members are singing. FORREST (V.O.) Now, Momma said there's only so much fortune a man really needs... EXT. CHURCH The sign reads: "Four Square Baptist Church." A new cross is placed on the steeple. New furniture is taken inside. REVEREND Praise the Lord. FORREST (V.O.) ...and the rest is just for showing off. So, I gave a whole bunch of it to the Four Square Gospel Church. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY The sign reads: "Gump Medical Center Bayou La Batre, Alabama." The ribbon-cutting ceremony. FORREST (V.O.) And I gave a whole bunch to the Bayou La Batre Fishing Hospital. EXT. BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE A postman delivers a letter to Bubba's mom. She opens the letter. FORREST (V.O.) And even though Bubba was dead, and Lieutenant Dan said I was nuts. I gave Bubba's mommy Bubba's share. She is surrounded by her many children. She looks at the check and faints. EXT. BUS STOP FORREST And you know what... INT. FLORIDA CONDO A door opens as a white woman serves Bubba's mom some shrimp. FORREST (V.O.) She didn't have to work in nobody's kitchen no more. MRS. BLUE Smells wonderful! EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD Forrest rides the mower. FORREST (V.O.) And 'cause I was godzillionaire and I liked doing it so much. I cut that grass for free. EXT. GUMP HOUSE BALCONY - NIGHT Forrest looks down the road as he steps onto the porch. FORREST (V.O.) But at nighttime, when there was nothing to do and the house was all empty, I'd always think of Jenny. Jenny's image walks, then vanishes. Forrest looks away. He turns and walks into the house. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Jenny walks across the lawn to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) And then, she was there. JENNY Hello, Forrest. FORREST Hello, Jenny. FORREST (V.O.) Jenny came back and stayed with me. INT. GUMP HOUSE Jenny lies asleep in bed. FORREST (V.O.) Maybe it was because she had nowhere else to go. Or maybe it was because she was so tired, because she went to bed and slept and slept like she hadn't slept in years. It was wonderful having her home. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Forrest and Jenny walking. FORREST (V.O.) Every day we'd take a walk, and I'd jabber on like a monkey in a tree. And she'd listen about ping-pong and shrimpin' boats and Momma makin' a trip to heaven. I did all the talkin'. Jenny most of the time was real quiet. FORREST ...big ol' gobs of rain and little bitty stinging rain and rain... Jenny's old house stands at the end of the dirt road. It appears to be deserted. Jenny walks toward the house and stops. She stares at the house. Forrest walks toward Jenny. Jenny suddenly heaves a rock angrily at the house. She throws other things at the house. JENNY How could you do this? She breaks a window. Jenny collapses to the ground and sobs. Forrest knees down next to her. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks. EXT. OLD OAK TREE - DAY Jenny and Forrest sit on a limb together. FORREST (V.O.) I never really knew why she came back, but I didn't care. It was like olden times. We was like peas and carrots again. INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Jenny sits by the vase of flowers and look out the window. FORREST (V.O.) Every day I'd pick pretty flowers and put them in her room for her. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest closes his eyes as he sits on the porch. Jenny places a box of Nike running shoes in his lap. FORREST (V.O.) And she gave me the best gift anyone could ever get in the wide world. JENNY Okay, you can open your eyes. FORREST New shoes. JENNY They make them just for running. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Through the windows, Forrest and Jenny are dancing as it rains outside. FORREST (V.O.) And she even showed me how to dance. And, well, we was like family... Jenny and me. EXT. RIVER - NIGHT Jenny and Forrest sit on a log together and look at the river. Jenny places her arms around Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) And it was the happiest time of my life. The fireworks explode in the sky. INT. GUMP'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Statue of Liberty is shown on the TV. Fireworks go off. Forrest and Jenny are watching the 4th of July celebration on TV. ANNOUNCER (over television) And this Fourth is witnessing one of the largest fireworks displays in the nation's two-hundred year history... JENNY You done watching it? FORREST Mm-hmm. ANNOUNCER (over television) ...here in New York Harbor. After the spectacular display of tall ships earlier, the Statue of Liberty... Jenny stands up and kisses Forrest on the cheek. JENNY I'm going to bed. Jenny turns off the TV and walks outside. Forrest stands as he puts down his Dr. Pepper. Jenny walks toward the stairs. FORREST Will you marry me? I'd make a good husband, Jenny. JENNY You would, Forrest. FORREST But you won't marry me. JENNY You don't want to marry me. FORREST Why don't you love me, Jenny? I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is. Forrest turns and walks toward the door. Jenny turns and walks up the stairs. Forrest stands outside. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT The house stands in the rain. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest lies in his bed as the door opens. Jenny gets into bed next to Forrest. FORREST Jenny? JENNY Forrest, I do love you. Jenny and Forrest kiss. Jenny takes off her nightgown as they make love. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Jenny carries her purse and walks toward a waiting cab. CAB DRIVER Where are you running off to? JENNY I'm not running. INT. GUMP HOUSE The cab drives away as Forrest is asleep in his bed. The Congressional Medal lies on a table by a ping-pong paddle. Forrest holds a glass of milk and wears his bathrobe. He looks at the medal he had give to Jenny. Jenny's bed is made. Forrest stands in the doorway looking at the room and bed where Jenny had been. EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY Forrest sit on a rocking chair with his running shoes on. He is still, as if in a trance. He slowly puts on his Bubba- Gump cap. Forrest stands. He walks off the porch. He begins to jog across the lawn. His speed increases as he runs farther away. Forrest runs down the drive away from his house. FORREST (V.O.) That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. Forrest runs to the end of the drive, then turns right and runs down the highway. FORREST (V.O.) So I ran to the end of the road, and when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY The three men sit as they watch the television. Forrest runs through the main street of town. NEWSCASTER President Carter, suffering from heat exhaustion fell into the arms of security agents. FORREST (V.O.) And when I got there... EXT. ALABAMA ROAD The sign reads "Entering Greenbow County." FORREST (V.O.) ...I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great... Forrest runs by a sign that reads "Mississippi welcomes you. The Magnolia State." FORREST (V.O.) ...state of Alabama. And that's what I did I ran clear across Alabama. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST For no particular reason, I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. EXT. SANTA MONICA - DAY The sign reads "Santa Monica yacht harbor sports fishing - boating - cafes." Forrest runs under the sign and onto the pier. FORREST (V.O.) And when I got there, I figured since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN Forrest runs to a pier at the Atlantic Ocean. FORREST (V.O.) When I got to another ocean, I figured since I've gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going. Forrest runs across the pier. A lighthouse stands at the end of the pier. FORREST (V.O.) When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST When I had to go, you know, I went. ELDERLY WOMAN And so, you just ran? FORREST Yeah. EXT. HIGHWAY Forrest is running along the highway. Forrest runs down a road between field of wheat. A Mountain river. Forrest runs across a cobble-stone bridge. The Rocky Mountains are behind him in distance. Forrest runs through some meadowland. Split rail fences line the road. FORREST (V.O.) I'd think a lot about Momma and Bubba, and Lieutenant Dan, but most of all, I thought about Jenny. I thought about her a lot. EXT. BARBER SHOP The three men in the barber shop watch the news on television. NEWSCASTER For more than two years now, a man named Forrest Gump, a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama, stopping only to sleep, has been running across America. INT. COFFEE SHOP Jenny fills customer's coffee cups. NEWSCASTER Charles Cooper brings us this report. NEWSMAN For the fourth time on his journey across America, Forrest Gump, a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama, is about to cross the Mississippi River again today. The TV shows Forrest runs across a bridge that reads "Mississippi River." JENNY I'll be damned. Forrest... EXT. MISSISSIPPI BRIDGE NEWSMAN Sir, why are you running? 1ST REPORTER Why are you running? 2ND REPORTER Are you doing this for world peace? 3RD REPORTER Are you doing this for women's right? NEWSMAN Or for the environment? REPORTER Or for animals? 3RD REPORTER Or for nuclear arms? FORREST (V.O.) They just couldn't believe that somebody would do all that running for no particular reason. 2ND REPORTER Why are you doing this? FORREST I just felt like running. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST I just left like running. EXT. SMALL EASTERN TOWN Forrest runs as a YOUNG MAN runs up to him. YOUNG MAN It's you. I can't believe it's really you. EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST Now, for some reason what I was doing seemed to make sense to people. EXT. SMALL EASTERN TOWN The young man jobs behind Forrest. YOUNG MAN I mean, it was like an alarm went off in my head, you know. I said, here's a guy that's got his act together. Here's somebody who's got it, all figured out. Here's somebody who has the answer. I'll follow you anywhere, Mr. Gump. FORREST (V.O.) So, I got company. Forrest runs up a slope on a high mountain road. A group of people are jogging behind him. FORREST (V.O.) And after that I got more company. And then... A large group jogs behind Forrest across the desert road. FORREST (V.O.) ...even more people joined in. Somebody later told me... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT FORREST ...it gave people hope. Now... Now, I don't know anything about that, but... Forrest and his followers job through a small town. A man runs up and talks to Forrest. FORREST (V.O.) Some of those people asked me if I could help them out. AGING HIPPIE Hey, man, hey, listen. I was wondering if you might help me, huh? Listen, I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think up a good slogan. And since you have been such a big inspiration to the people around here, I thought you might be able to help me jump into... Whoa! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dogshit! The hippie jumps over the "dogshit" as he runs along Forrest. FORREST It happens. AGING HIPPIE What, shit? FORREST Sometimes. The hippie stops to ponder this profound thought. FORREST (V.O.) And some years later I heard that fella did come up with a bumper sticker slogan... A bumper sticker reads "Shit Happens." FORREST (V.O.) ...and he make a lot of money off of it. The truck with the bumper sticker drives into an intersection. It collides with a car. EXT. TRUCK STOP Forrest runs, followed by his group, as a man runs up to him. FORREST (V.O.) Another time I was running along, somebody who had lost all his money in the T-shirt business, and he wanted to put my face on a T-shirt, but he couldn't draw that well and he didn't have a camera. WILD-EYED MAN I think it would be really fortunate for me if I could get your name on these, oh, your face and name on these T-shirts. It would be wonderful. A truck splashes mud onto Forrest as it goes by. The man hands Forrest a yellow T-shirt to use as a rag to wipe the mud off. WILD-EYED MAN Here, use this one. Nobody likes that color anyway. Forrest wipes his face on the towel and hands it back to the man. FORREST Have a nice day. The man looks at the T-shirt. He holds it up displaying the "Happy Face." FORREST (V.O.) And some years later I found out that that man did come up with a idea for a T-shirt and he made a lot of money off of it. EXT. MONUMENT VALLEY Forrest runs with a group that follows behind him. FORREST (V.O.) Anyway, like I was saying, I had a lot of company. My Momma always said you got to put the past behind you before you can move on. And I think that's what my running was all about. I had run for three years, two months, fourteen days, and sixteen hours. Forrest stops running. The group stops behind him. Forrest stands and looks as the group waits expectantly. Forrest turns and look. YOUNG MAN Quiet. Quiet, he's gonna say something. FORREST I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go home now. Forrest walks toward the group. The group parts for Forrest as he walks down the middle of the road. YOUNG MAN Now what are we supposed to do? FORREST (V.O.) And just like that, my running days was over. So, I went home to Alabama. A television shows President Reagan and his staff as they react to gunshots in front of a limo. NEWSCASTER (over television) Moments ago, at two twenty-five p.m., as President Reagan was leaving the Washington Hilton Hotel... INT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY Forrest sits eating a sandwich, watching the news of the assassination attempt. NEWSCASTER ...five or six gunshots were fired by an unknown would-be assassin. The President was shot in the chest and the assailant was immediately tackled by a half a dozen lawmen. As the Presidential... LOUISE I picked up the mail. FORREST Oh, thank you, Miss, Miss Louise. FORREST (V.O.) One day, out of the blue clear sky, I got a letter from Jenny... EXT. BUS STOP - PRESENT Forrest takes the letter out of his pocket. FORREST ...wondering if I could come down to Savannah to see her, and that's what I'm doing here. She saw me on TV, running, I'm supposed to go on the Number Nine bus to Richmond Street and get off and go one block left to 1-9-4-7 Henry Street, Apartment 4. The elderly woman looks at the letter. ELDERLY WOMAN Why, you don't need to take a bus. Henry Street is just five or six blocks down that way. FORREST Down that way? ELDERLY WOMAN Down that way. Forrest hastily grabs his suitcase and letter as he stands. FORREST It was nice talking' to you. Forrest runs, the elderly woman shouts from the bus stop bench. A truck honks its horn as Forrest runs across the street past the truck. ELDERLY WOMAN I hope everything works out for you. INT. JENNY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jenny opens the door. JENNY Hey! Forrest! How you doing? FORREST Hi. JENNY Come in. Come in. FORREST I got your letter. JENNY Oh, I was wondering about that. Jenny shuts the door. Forrest looks around. FORREST Is this your house? JENNY Yeah, it's messy right now. I just got off work. FORREST It's nice. You got air conditioning. Forrest hands Jenny the box of chocolates. FORREST Ah... JENNY Thank you. FORREST I ate some. Jenny picks up a scrapbook and turns the pages. JENNY Hey, I kept, I kept a scrapbook of your, of your clippings and everything. There you are. This, I got your running. FORREST I ran a long way. For a long time. JENNY There. Listen, Forrest. I don't know how to say this. Um, I just... I want to apologize for anything that I ever did to you, 'cause I was messed up for a long time, and... There is a knock at the door. LYNN MARIE enters as she opens the door. LYNN MARIE Yoo-hoo. JENNY Hey. LYNN MARIE Hi. Jenny grabs a young boy. JENNY Hey, you. This is an old friend from Alabama. LYNN MARIE Oh, how do you do? JENNY Ah, listen, next week my schedule changes, so I'll be able to... but thanks for picking up. LYNN MARIE No problem. Got to go, Jen. I'm double parked. JENNY Okay. Lynn Marie closes the door and waves bye to Forrest. LYNN MARIE Bye. JENNY Thanks. This is very good friend, Mr. Gump. Can you say hi to him? LITTLE BOY Hello, Mr. Gump. FORREST Hello. LITTLE BOY Now, can I go watch TV now? JENNY Yes, you can. Just keep it low. The little boy runs into other room and picks up TV remote control. FORREST You're a momma, Jenny. JENNY I'm a momma. His name is Forrest. FORREST Like me. JENNY I named him after his Daddy. FORREST He got a daddy named Forrest, too? JENNY You're his daddy, Forrest. Forrest continues to stare at Forrest Jr. Forrest then looks frightened and starts to back away. JENNY Hey, Forrest, look at me. Look at me, Forrest. There's nothing you need to do, okay? You didn't do anything wrong. Okay? Jenny turns and looks at Forrest Jr. in the other room. JENNY Isn't he beautiful? FORREST He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But... is, is he smart, or is he... JENNY He's very smart. He's one of the smartest in his class. Forrest breathes deep. He looks at Jenny, then at Forrest Jr. JENNY Yeah, it's okay. Go talk to him. Forrest walks into the room and sits down next to Forrest Jr. "Sesame Street" is on the TV. BERT Oh, great. ERNIE Hey, Bert, can you give me a hand? BERT A hand? Well, yeah, what do you want, Ernie? FORREST What are you watching. FORREST JR. Bert and Ernie. ERNIE Well, it's the first stage. Bert. It's planning to write a story, Bert. I have pencils right here to write with, Bert. Now, we got, uh, paper. I'll take that paper, Bert. See, we have the paper to write on. EXT. PARK - DAY Forrest and Jenny sit on a bench. Forrest Jr. swings behind them. JENNY Forrest, I'm sick. FORREST What, do you have a cough due to cold? JENNY I have some kind virus. And the doctors don't, they don't know what it is. And there isn't anything they can do about it. FORREST You could come home with me. Jenny, you and little Forrest could come stay at my house in Greenbow. I'll take care of you if you're sick. JENNY Would you marry me, Forrest? FORREST Okay. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - DAY A group has gathered on the lawn for the wedding. Louise walks up to Forrest. MINISTER Please take your seats. LOUISE Forrest, it's time to start. Jenny walks out of the house. Forrest walks over to greet her. She wears a white dress. She walks up to Forrest and adjusts his necktie. JENNY Hi. Your tie. Lt. Dan is walking across the lawn. He uses a cane. A WOMAN is walking next to him. FORREST Lieutenant Dan? Lieutenant Dan! LT. DAN Hello, Forrest. Jenny walks over to Forrest and Lt. Dan. FORREST You got new legs. New legs! LT. DAN Yeah, I got new legs. Lt. Dan lifts his pant leg to display his metal leg. LT. DAN Custom-made titanium alloy. It's what they use on the space shuttle. FORREST Magic legs. LT. DAN This is my fiancee, Susan. FORREST Lieutenant Dan! Susan shakes Forrest's hand. SUSAN Hi, Forrest. FORREST Lieutenant Dan, this is my Jenny. JENNY Hey, it's nice to meet you, finally. Jenny steps forward and kisses Lt. Dan's cheek. The group is seated as they watch Forrest and Jenny take vows on the front lawn. Forrest Jr. stands next to Jenny. MINISTER Do you, Forrest, take Jenny to be your wife? Do you, Jenny, take Forrest to be your husband? If so, I pronounce you man and wife. The wind blows fallen leaves across the ground. Jenny, Forrest, and Forrest Jr. walk toward the house. They all hold hands as they walk. INT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Forrest steps into Jenny's bedroom. He carries a tray with breakfast on it. Forrest looks at Jenny as she sleeps. Slowly she wakes up and looks at Forrest. FORREST Hey. JENNY Hey. Forrest sets the tray down next to Jenny as she sits up in bed. Forrest opens a window, then sits down next to the bed. JENNY Hey, Forrest, were you scared in Vietnam? FORREST Yes. Well, I, I don't know. EXT. VIETNAM - FLASHBACK - NIGHT Forrest looks up into the sky as the rain stops. Forrest removes his helmet. The stars emerge from behind the clouds. FORREST (V.O.) Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out. And then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou... EXT. BAYOU - FLASHBACK - SUNSET Forrest stands on his boat and looks at a deep orange and red sunset. FORREST (V.O.) There was over a million sparkles on the water. Like that mountain lake. EXT. MOUNTAIN LAKE - FLASHBACK - DAY Forrest runs along a highway. A lake reflects the mountains and the sky. FORREST (V.O.) It was so clear, Jenny. It looks like there were two skies, one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up... EXT. DESERT - FLASHBACK - SUNRISE Forrest runs along a desert highway. The morning light casts an orange glow over the desert. FORREST (V.O.) I couldn't tell where heavens stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful. INT. GUMP HOUSE - MORNING Forrest looks at Jenny. Jenny looks out the window. JENNY I wish I could have been there with you. FORREST You were. Jenny reaches over and takes Forrest's hand. JENNY I love you. FORREST (V.O.) You died on a Saturday morning. EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE AT OLD OAK TREE - DAY Forrest stands under the old oak tree where Jenny has been buried. FORREST And I had you placed here under our tree. Jenny's grave marker. Forrest tries to hold back his tears. FORREST And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground. EXT. JENNY'S OLD HOUSE - DAY Forrest watches as Jenny's dad's house is knocked down by a bulldozer. FORREST (V.O.) Momma... EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE FORREST ...always said dyin' was a part of life. Jenny's grave marker reads: JENNY GUMP July 16, 1945 -- March 22, 1982 Beloved Mother, Wife and Friend FORREST I sure wish it wasn't. Little Forrest, he's doing just fine. INT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest Jr. reads a book to Forrest sitting next to him. FORREST JR. (reading) "But he wasn't quite sure. Everywhere they went, the new guests... FORREST (V.O.) About to start school again soon. I make his breakfast, lunch, and dinner... EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE Forrest looks down as he sobs. FORREST ...every day. I make sure he combs his hair and brushes his teeth every day. Teaching him how to play ping pong. EXT. GUMP HOUSE - NIGHT Forrest tries to teach Forrest Jr. how to play ping-pong. FORREST Okay... FORREST (V.O.) He's really good. FORREST Forrest, you go. Forrest Jr. serves the ball, causing Forrest dive and miss it. EXT. GUMP HOUSE/RIVER - DAY Forrest and Forrest Jr. sit on a log by the river and fish. FORREST (V.O.) We fish a lot. EXT. JENNY'S GRAVE Forrest looks down at the grave marker. FORREST And every night, we read a book. He's so smart, Jenny. You'd be so proud of him. I am. He, uh, wrote a letter, and he says I can't read it. I'm not supposed to, so I'll just leave it here for you. Forrest places the letter down at the grave marker, next to fresh flowers. The name on the envelope reads: "Mom." Forrest steps back and looks down at the grave. FORREST Jenny, I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away. As Forrest walks away, a flock of birds flies overhead and lands in the tree. Forrest turns and watches. EXT. ROAD - MORNING Forrest walks with Forrest Jr. for the bus. The bus drives toward them. FORREST Here's your bus. Okay. Forrest pulls "Curious George" out of Forrest Jr.'s backpack. FORREST Hey, I know this. FORREST JR. I'm gonna show that for show-and- tell because grandma used to read it to you. Forrest looks at the book. The feather from the beginning of the movie drops out of the book, unnoticed. FORREST My favorite book. The bus comes to a stop. The door opens. FORREST Well... Forrest puts the book back into Forrest Jr.'s backpack and hands it to him. FORREST ...okay. Hey, there you go. Forrest Jr. walks toward the bus. Forrest stands up. FORREST Hey, Forrest. Don't... I wanted to tell you I love you. FORREST JR. I love you too, Daddy. FORREST I'll be right here when you get back. Forrest Jr. looks into the bus and at the bus driver. It is the same bus driver, only older now, who drove Forrest to school when he was a young boy. SCHOOLD BUS DRIVER You understand this is the bus to school now, don't you? FORREST JR. Of course, and you're Dorothy Harris and I'm Forrest Gump. Forrest Jr. looks over and waves to his father. Forrest nods approvingly. Forrest Jr. gets on the bus. The bus pulls away. Forrest stands next to the mailbox. Forrest sits down. The camera cranes down, revealing the feather as it lies at Forrest's feet. A gust of wind picks the feather up. The feather floats up into the air. Forrest sits at the side of the road. The feather floats higher into the air. The feather soars up into the sky and travels up and down, then covers the camera lens. THE END

"FOUR ROOMS" Screenplay by Allison Anders Alexandre Rockwell Robert Rodriguez Quentin Tarantino MAIN TITLES As presentation credits begin, we hear Johnny Cash's "Home of the Blues." Then we see Allison's name, under it Alex's, under that Robert's, under that Quentin's, then under that the title logo for Four Rooms, followed by "Starring Tim Roth as the Bellboy." Then "The Guests" listed in alphabetical order of all the actors playing guests. After the actors' names, we... FADE UP ON A WALL The camera pans down a weathered wall covered with postcards from Miami Beach, Florida, the Copacabana, N.Y.C., "Wish You Were Here" from Niagara Falls, rickshaws and babes on beaches, etc.... The camera comes to rest on an old photograph of a 1930s hotel, the "Mon Signor," in its heyday, with a full staff of 30 people posed on the lawn in front. An old guy with a staccato voice delivers a monologue: VOICE-OVER There used to be a staff of fifty in this place. I'm the only one left from those days. It all comes down to one sap: the night-shift bellhop, that's me. What the hell is a bellhop? You know where the name comes from? (silence) Of course not... It's so simple it's stupid. They ring a bell and you hop. You hop to front and center. No heroes in this line, kid. Just men doing a job. No questions asked, none answered. I try to keep it simple, kid, not too personal... Another voice of a young man interrupts. TED You met any of those old stars? THE OLD GUY Stars! Are you kidding me? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes. I taught Shirley Temple how to roller-skate. I saw Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate three cheese sandwiches right on the spot you're sitting, kid. What did you say your name was? TED Ted. THE OLD GUY Ted, right. I remember Marilyn used to come down at night and doze off in the kitchen. She liked the sound of the fans out back spinning around. Sure, these were stars, kid. Errol Flynn used to call me "Alibi." You'll pick up a few stories yourself, kid. TED I don't think so, not like yours. THE OLD GUY What do you think a star does when he goes to the bathroom, kid? TED Beats me. THE OLD GUY He pulls his pants down and takes a crap just like you and me. Take my word for it. A wisp of smoke passes over a napkin pinned to the wall with a lip print on it signed "Marilyn." The camera pulls back to reveal Ted and the Old Guy sitting on a foldout cot in a small back room of the Hotel Mon Signor. The old man is dressed in a striped T-shirt with a bellhop's cap on. He looks like an old pirate. Next to him on the bed sits Ted, a young guy with a bellhop jacket draped over his knees. The old bellhop takes a long drag off a big cigar. THE OLD GUY Camacho! TED Who? THE OLD GUY The cigar. Cuban. A good cigar, wrapped in Miami. I get a box of them every Christmas from the chairman of the board. I think he sends them to me to keep my mouth shut. It's tough not to get a little personal in this business. The old bellhop takes a hit off his cigar and stares down at his cap, lost in thought. TED What do you mean? The old guy passes the cap over to Ted. THE OLD GUY Put it on. Ted puts the cap on. THE OLD GUY Frankly, you look stupid... like the Philip Morris guy. I can't believe I wore that thing for fifty years. You keep it. The Old Guy gets up from the bed and throws a jacket on. Pulls a few postcards off the wall, throws them in an old straw suitcase, and slams the lid down. He heads for the door. Ted follows. THE OLD GUY Stay away from night clerks, kids, hookers, and marital disputes. The Old Guy pauses for a second and looks Ted dead in the eye. THE OLD GUY Never have sex with the clientele. TED No way, not me. You got any other advice. THE OLD GUY Always get a tip. The door slams shut on the back room. INT. HOTEL LOBBY--TWILIGHT The big empty lobby of the Mon Signor. You can tell that at one point this used to be a swank place. It still is, kinda. It's also kinda decrepit. The concierge -- a snappy, fast- talking, red-haired young woman in a blue blazer named Betty -- stands behind the reception desk. The old man, suitcase in hand, makes a beeline through the lobby, heading toward the front door. Betty sees him. BETTY Sam! Hey, Sam, wait a minute! The Old Guy stops in his tracks and turns around. THE OLD GUY What? Betty comes from behind the desk. BETTY I just want to say good-bye. THE OLD GUY Who are you? BETTY Uhhh, Betty. The concierge. Your boss. The Old Guy squints his eyes at the young gal. THE OLD GUY Oh yeah. Gotta light, sister? Goddam cigar went out. BETTY Yeah, sure. She speaks to the Old Guy as she lights his cigar and he puffs away. BETTY I just want you to know, from the owner and all the staff, your fifty years of service have been an inspiration to us all. You're a legend in your own time, and the Mon Signor will never be the -- THE OLD GUY Just forward my cigars, Red. (He turns around the walks out, saying over his shoulder) Aufwiedersehen! Betty is left standing in the lobby. Ted appears behind her in his bellbody uniform, sans cap. TED Sam the bellboy. Now there was a man. BETTY Yeah. Oh, hi, Teddy. Ready to start the night shift? TED Yeah. BETTY Well, let me buy you a drink. TED You wanna buy me a drink? I'm starting my shift. BETTY You're not an alcoholic, are you; one drink won't kill you. TED Yeah, sure. They walk out of frame. In the empty frame we SUPER: NEW YEAR'S EVE 7:00 P.M. INT. BACK ROOM--NIGHT Betty and Ted sit in the back room, both with drinks in their hand. This dialogue is to be delivered rapid fire, Howard Hawks style. BETTY After fifty years, Sam retires, and you're taking over the night shift. TED Correct. BETTY You're filling some mighty big shoes. TED Oh, I know. BETTY Sam was a legend in the hotel business. TED Oh, I know... BETTY A bellhop's bellhop. TED An inspiration to us all. BETTY He ran the night desk for fifty years, all by himself. TED An amazing man. BETTY No desk clerk. No night man. No help. Just fuckin' Sam, and his wits. TED A man alone. BETTY And you're gonna do the same. TED I know. BETTY Tonight. Ted spews his drink. TED Tonight! BETTY Yes, tonight. TED I can't. BETTY Yes, you can. TED No, I can't. I never worked the night shift before. BETTY Oh night shift -- smight shift. TED We were supposed to work it together. BETTY I know, but I can't. TED Why not? BETTY I'm having a New Year's Eve party. TED Since when? BETTY Actually, I'm not having it. My roommate is. And there's this guy. German guy. He's gonna be there. And so am I. TED I can't run this place by myself. BETTY Oh, sure ya can. TED No, I can't. BETTY Sam ran this place by himself for fifty years. TED Yeah, and he had fifty years of fuckin' practice, too. I haven't had a day. BETTY Look, Teddy, calm down -- TED -- Don't call me Teddy. BETTY Ted, the night's cake. It's easy. The day's when it's busy. During the night there's nothing to do. TED It's New Year's Eve. BETTY Which'll make it less busy than normal. Ever worked on Christmas? Unless you sell turkeys, business is dead. You just got butterflies, that's all. TED What I have ain't butterflies. I can't handle this hotel all by myself. Betty slows the scene down. BETTY Okay, let's calm down a minute. Slow it down, cool it off. Let's just talk. TED You can say any goddamn thing you want -- BETTY -- Ted? I thought we were calming down? I thought we were cooling off? No hostility. Say good-bye to hostility. We're just talking. TED Okay... okay... okay... I'm calm, I'm cool, let's talk. BETTY Ted, in a nutshell, all you have to do is hold the fort. It's New Year's Eve. Most of the guests are going out. You'll just be giving them a little nod as they come staggering in at three... four... five... in the morning. Nobody's having any parties, a few get-togethers, but no parties. You got about three people checking in tonight, that's it. The only variable is Chester Rush in the penthouse. TED Chester Rush? The guy from The Wacky Detective? BETTY Yeah, him and his entourage checked in last night. They're in the penthouse. The only reason I refer to it as a variable is that he's a movie star. Ya never know about movie stars. I'm tellin' ya, Ted, it's cake. Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down. BETTY (continuing) And look, if you have any problems, call me at the party. Ted thinks about it for a moment. TED Okay. BETTY Great -- TED -- For fifty bucks. BETTY Fifty bucks! TED You're shirking your duties for this Nazi. For that you pay a price, and the price is fifty bucks. BETTY One, Horst is not a Nazi. Two, that's not a fair price. You're taking advantage of the situation. Twenty bucks. Now, twenty bucks is a fair price. TED Yeah, but what you're doin' to me ain't fair. And, you are completely and totally taking advantage of me and your position. So fifty bucks is the perfect price. Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse. BETTY Okay, but don't be a pussy. You don't bother me unless it's an emergency. In fact, for fifty bucks, you better not call me unless the fuckin' building's burning down. She gives him the money. BETTY Get ready to take the desk. Betty leaves. Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares himself for the night. FADE TO BLACK STORY TITLE CARD: ROOM 321 "STRANGE BREW" FADE IN: EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL--DUSK Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a taxi unloads her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is a Beautiful Mediterranean Goddess (actually, we will come to see she is not technically a goddess, but a High Priestess). She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian accent and is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena. Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a woven Moroccan bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is concerned as he attempts to lift it. ATHENA Pleeze be careful -- my God. You have no idea... Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely heavy bag onto the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily. The driver winces and gets in the cab. Ted has now managed with grunts and groans and strained blood vessels to put this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at Ted, who is out of breath. ATHENA I'm usually a good tipper, but this one -- this cab driver -- he had green all around him. I don't like that in a man. Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest. TED Green? Is that bad? Like you read auras or something like that? ATHENA Something like that. TED Yeah, well what color are you seein' around me... how's the tip lookin? ATHENA I see purple... in your face, and... As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely drawn to his crotch. She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be charmingly oblivious. Athena looks back into his face. ATHENA ...you're okay. Ted touches his face -- as if searching for the "purple" in it -- and moves the cart inside, discreetly checking out his crotch and giving her a confused side glance. INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her reservation. ATHENA Athena Z. TED (scratching his head -- weird name, okay) You're booked in the Honeymoon Suite -- just one night? With all this luggage? ATHENA I will only need to stay till sunrise. TED Okay... and how will you be paying? ATHENA With gold. He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly -- she pulls out her Gold Card and smiles. EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor. Ted follows Athena with the cart down the hallway to her room. AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In the center of the room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids poised with urns on each side. A dormant fireplace looms beyond the still hot tub. Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety -- then looks in front of him to Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of a little Cupid and mumbles, "Perfect." Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed, she mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance wiggle and turns to Ted, who is truly perplexed. ATHENA Well -- the other bag -- I need it. TED Right. He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He laughs sickly. TED What the hell you got in here, lady? Nuclear weapons? She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the bag. ATHENA (dryly) The White Cliffs of Dover. Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and pauses to pull a 10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it to him. Ted is grateful and disoriented. ATHENA The others will be coming soon. Send them, pleeze. Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the cart. Then he turns from outside the doorway. TED Oh -- I forgot to show you how to turn on the Jacuzzi. But Athena is ahead of him -- she flips a switch and water begins to flow from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub. ATHENA I been in dis' place many New Year's. So... you send the others to me, huh. Go now. As she says this, the door closes with a strange force, shutting Ted out. Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the suite. IN THE SUITE BEDROOM A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible to imagine having an orgasm in this room -- unless it were achieved by laughing. Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of stone from her tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it like a baby to the bed and places it in the very center, the head of the rock resting on dusty heart-shaped pillows. Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching high-heeled slippers. And these she places with reverence on the bed. ATHENA On this night, oh great goddess Diana, we restore your virgin flesh and bring you back to real life. CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact. ATHENA Soon -- I take you to the pond for a cleansing. Well, it's a swimming pool, but it will be under the setting sun, okay? INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK FALLS Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first guest, Elspeth arrives. She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue eyes, blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like Honey West in a rubber dress. She carries several bags, and a silver sword on her shoulder. TED May I help you? ELSPETH I... we... have a reservation. Then she snaps, irritated, behind her. ELSPETH Kiva! ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a long leather coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling "PUSSY" across her breasts. This is Kiva. Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette machine. Just as Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several packs of smokes drop into the juvenile delinquent's hands. KIVA Wait up, gawd! I had to get supplies for this boring ass night. ELSPETH (to Ted) We have a reservation in the Honeymoon Suite. TED Oh yeah... you must be one of "the others." And what're you carrying -- the Rock of Gibraltar? She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He walks around the desk to help her with her black crocodile luggage. Jars clang inside. He is ready to go, but Elspeth turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of smoking, as Kiva lights up. ELSPETH What'd I tell you about smoking? KIVA You smoke. ELSPETH That's right -- I smoke, and I'm addicted to it, and I don't want the same thing to happen to you. KIVA (in game-show host voice) "Hello -- welcome to this week's edition of the Hypocrite of the Year Award --" As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host, Elspeth is growing increasingly rageful, like a mother with an unruly child. Ted waits, luggage in hand. ELSPETH Kiva! That's enough -- She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly. KIVA You're not my mother! ELSPETH Yes I am. KIVA Then why're we sleeping together? Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning to unfold here. Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at his scrutiny. ELSPETH Well... I didn't mean it... literally. I... I happen to be the only one who... cares about you -- But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted, flustered. ELSPETH Please -- take us to our room! Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword, but Elspeth quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots him a piercing glare. He jumps back with a light nervous laugh. He leads the way to the elevator. AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee tables, lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room. Athena is gone. As Ted stumbles around the furniture in the hall, he peers in the room and see a transformation. With most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and flowers are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace. But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the Jacuzzi and pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white powder on the carpet encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands him a tip as he gawks at the circle. ELSPETH Flea powder. One of the others is bringing her cat. Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look to see Elspeth kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor. He shakes his head and leaves. ELSPETH You're gonna have to wait in the other room. KIVA Why? ELSPETH Because I said so. KIVA I'll watch TV. ELSPETH You can't watch TV because the noise will interfere with our ritual. Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway. She turns to Elspeth with sarcastic concession. KIVA Okay... Mommy. Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom. Elspeth enters the sacred circle, stands before the altar, whips out her sword, and makes a ceremonial gesture pointing the sword upward, perfectly centered between her breasts. Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway into the hall and comes back in, lugging the TV into the honeymoon bedroom. Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with the "cleansed" artifact and lays the slab in the center of the altar upon the heart-shaped pillows as Elspeth lays her sword next to the rock. The women look upon the union with tender affection. ATHENA Soon -- our goddess will come. I will go get her negligee. Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks! Loud TV suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat is trying on the pink negligee over her clothes. Athena takes the negligee off the irrepressible youth. ATHENA What are you doing! Have you no respect -- who -- who is dis girl? ELSPETH Kiva. My friend. Kiva, turn off the TV! I can't leave her at home -- she's on probation and I gotta keep an eye on her. ATHENA Well, Elspeth, your friend cannot stay here during the ritual. She may be one of your kind, but she is not one of us. ELSPETH She stays!! Or I go -- along with my offering! The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out -- ATHENA TURN OF THE FUCKING TV, MAN! KIVA (in a seductive pout) Make me... Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated as she firmly demands from Elspeth -- ATHENA Let's not forget -- I am the High Fucking Priestess. Deal with dis girl! Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverence and respect. She bows apologetic and scurries to the bedroom. ATHENA (eyes lifted to heaven, wearily) Tell me -- did we have these problems in Salem? I don't think so... IN THE BEDROOM Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a soft touch. ELSPETH Kiva... you know what I love about you? Kiva smirks... yeah, she knows. ELSPETH Your sweet side. KIVA And what do I get if I'm sweet? ELSPETH You get whatever you want. And you know what else I love about you? KIVA (seduced now) What? ELSPETH Your nose. And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room. Kiva is quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she has the last word. ELSPETH And I saw you checking her out. Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place -- for now. IN THE HALLWAY/EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer luggage -- and lots of it -- behind yet another Gorgeous Gal. This one is Jezebel, a Southern beauty, fawning over her cat, as she carries nothing else, and proceeds down the hall like a Southern princess. JEZEBEL (talking to her cat in baby talk) Oh you little stinker... oh you sweet little muffin. Yes... Mama loves the baby. AT THE DOOR Jezebel bursts in, chattering. JEZEBEL Well, this is just darlin'! Just darlin' Hi-dee, girls... Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place has become all the more transformed with wild canopies of exotic cloths and fixings. Elspeth and Athena are hard at work on a strange nature sculpture as Jezebel enters. She stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot tub, which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents her cat -- upward toward heaven -- frees the cat, bares her breasts and sucks in the vibes: "Ahhhh." Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms, but her back is to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks it up and presses it against her bare breasts, petting it sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip. JEZEBEL Toodle-loo. And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors to the bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing on herself. JEZEBEL Well -- I see Elspeth has herself a new lil' fool -- what the hell is she doin' here on our night of annual ritual? ATHENA (wearily) I have sanctioned her presence, as long as she behaves. Come on -- there is more work to be done to welcome our great Diana. KIVA I WANT ROOM SERVICE!! ELSPETH Why do I always attract girls who are looking for a babysitter? JEZEBEL Well now, honey, maybe Juvenile Hall ain't the best place to find serious relationship material. Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent. IN THE HALLWAY Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched in a mask of perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his hand -- at least these lunachicks tip well. Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female intoxication, she wears a short skirt, all done up in Native American, Southwestern themes. No shoes. But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down the hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself. RAVEN I'm looking for the room for making love. TED You might be referring to the Honeymoon Suite. Straight thata way... you can't miss it -- see all that furniture in the hallway -- RAVEN Oh I know the way. I just wanted you to know that I knew where I was going and that you needn't bother yourself with me. The others are here -- great! TED (wearily) Oh yeah -- it's so great -- it's fantastic. RAVEN (in deep empathy) Ohhh... I know it all seems very strange but you're coping with us much better than the bellboys of past New Year's. TED Past New Year's? RAVEN Oh yes -- we've been coming here every New Year... for a long time. Thanks for your patience. TED Oh hey -- no problem -- wreck the place. Bring in cats. Ruin the carpet with flea powder, pour paint in the Jacuzzi. Throw the furniture out the... where're your bags? RAVEN I travel very light. Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her thick dark hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off. INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from the others. She looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother, with a tablecloth halter top and skirt, sandals, and a simple scarf over her long dark curls. She carries two bags by herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is Eva. TED (already weary of these girls) Yeah, yeah, Honeymoon Suite. EVA Oh... yes... I'm late. She lowers her eyes, worried. TED All right -- lemme give ya a hand. EVA Oh... no, that's all right. I can carry them by myself. She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to have been irritated with her. He picks up her bags. TED I'm a man doin' a job -- no hero. Eva smiles, beautifully. EVA Well gosh -- thank you! IN THE ELEVATOR Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There is a shy quiet tension here. EVA Tell me, how long have the others been here? TED About an hour. Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her bags in. IN THE SUITE The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing palace with an elaborate altar, both earthly and the other- earthly. The other four girls are arranging the altar as Eva enters. ATHENA You are very late, Eva. EVA I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth and the placenta was late in coming. Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then takes it back. EVA Oh, wait, lemme give you a little more than that... Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change purse. ELSPETH Which birth is more important to you, that of a mortal or that of a goddess? EVA All life is precious... but I do apologize for being late, Elspeth. JEZEBEL Back home, they jist yank on the umbilical cord, do a Karate chop on the mama's belly, and them things come right out. EVA They do that here, too, Jezebel, in the hospitals, but it causes hemorrhages. I fed the mother a bowl of comfrey tea and it brought the afterbirth down perfectly. The couple are going to use it for fertilizer to plant a lovely tree for their baby. KIVA Oh wow -- if they were really back- to-nature, they'd eat it, like other mammals do. CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out. RAVEN In some Native American cultures, they dry the umbilical cord, grind it to a fine powder, and put it in a leather pouch that the baby wears to ward off evil. But burying the placenta is also a very sound ecological practice -- 'cause of the oxygen it carries. EVA (cheerfully to the others) Yes -- because you see when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall... TED (wincing in disgust) Uh, thank you, ladies -- I'll be going now. If you need anything -- Eva places a nice tip in his palm. ATHENA Wait. We do need a few things. Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She kneels softly, holds her hands in piety before the altar, and softly incants as she offers her pot and places it on the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now rest here on pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone to materialize into the garments. ATHENA We need fresh rosemary from the kitchen. Mostly what we need is from the kitchen. Hey, are you listening? Ted is watching Eva, enchanted. TED Yeah, yeah, rosemary. ATHENA And a little bit of sea salt or Kosher salt if you don't got no sea salt. A bottle of spring water -- Italian please, not French shit. KIVA And some french fries! ELSPETH Kiva, shut up. ATHENA (irritated) And some ginger, two of the eyes of a trout fish, and a piece of raw meat, liver if you have it. KIVA (whining) I want fries -- you dumb jerks with your stupid fucking ritual! ATHENA Shut up, you little shit. ELSPETH Don't talk to her that way! Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at this list and these girls and shudders as he walks away. He turns, points at Eva. Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as she looks him in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing connection happening. He holds his head, almost swooning with dizziness. Athena smirks. ATHENA Get to work, man. Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs off. After he goes, the girls begin to bring forth their most treasured offerings in ornate ancient bottles, vases or vials. Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction of Kiva, sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi, with her feet dipping irreverently in the water. ELSPETH Kiva... KIVA What? ELSPETH You have to go in the next room now. KIVA Oh, wow, like I'm bummed out that I can't watch. (whining at Elspeth) I'm bored! ELSPETH UP! She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her feet. KIVA Don't put me in there by myself. I'll miss you way too much. ELSPETH Kiva, don't do this to me. Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of the Jacuzzi. She begins to speak softly. KIVA Please... if you just lemme... I'll play dress-up with you, the way you like it... you know what I mean... remember...? Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up. Kiva pours on softer seduction. KIVA We can pretend and I'll do it exactly... the way you want it... with the egg whites and the kilt. Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and presses it lightly on her face. ELSPETH You mean... like last week? Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick" sound from Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this side of her life -- in front of her coven. She nervously looks around and see all the coven looking at her: a disgusted Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an impatient and stern Athena. Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture. ELSPETH We'll talk about this later, Kiva. KIVA (angrily) No! She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her arm away and grabs Kiva by the hair. JEZEBEL Aw, really now -- child abuse? ELSPETH You stay outta this! ATHENA I demand this stop now, Elspeth! Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her. KIVA I'm running away from you! ELSPETH Fine. Go ahead. And I'll call your parole officer and she'll find you and send you back to Eastlake! Kiva stomps off into the bedroom. ATHENA Now that the fucking melodrama is over, can we start the goddamn ritual -- pleeze? Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her shoes. They anoint themselves with oils. ATHENA We are communing here on New Year's Eve to bring to life the great goddess Diana, who was turned to stone in this very room forty years ago today. The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to sway within the circle. ATHENA Diana, great beautiful one, we make these offerings to you, that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you of the seed of your lover, your virginal blood, of your very life. We now form the symbolic rock with our bodies. And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies gracefully draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly they start to unfold from the rock. The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of clothes. They anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi. They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the semicircle. The first one to go from one end to the other is Athena. She then proceeds up the stairs and positions herself between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She steps forth with a bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi. ATHENA On this night, in this hour, we Call upon the Ancient Power O Goddess bride, I offer thee Milk from a mother's sweet titty! Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on the altar and bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now steps forward with her offering in a vial. ELSPETH To reverse the evil which has been done I make this offering to the Divine One A whore not, an innocent was, For whom I seized a virgin's blood. JEZEBEL Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust, To undo this awful spell is a real must. To bring you life and get you high I offer the sweat of five men's thighs. The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her offering in the hot tub and bows out, returning to the circle. Now Raven comes forth with a small leather canteen. She unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate stupor. RAVEN Diana, oh great one, we live without sun Until this wicked curse is undone. In hope that you live, and to us appear, I have collected a year's worth of tears. She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's Eva's turn. Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the altar. The girls keep their eyes closed as they sway, waiting for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives her a push and she goes. Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle with a chain on its cap and neck. She timidly begins to incant. EVA Great Goddess Diana, fail you I will, I was to bring fresh sperm from my Bill. I had him erect, and his semen would follow But alas I was hot, so hot that I swallowed. The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena opens her eyes, wildly. ATHENA You stupid little witch! You swallowed the sperm! Aye-yi--yi! Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly. ELSPETH It just shows what an amazing lack of control you have over yourself, Eva! JEZEBEL Honey, why didn't you just use your hands? Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth? RAVEN I understand though... Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm. ATHENA There is no time to cry over swallowed sperms. You're gonna have to get some, baby. You have one hour to prove what kind of witch you really are. Just then: a knock at the door. ATHENA (calling out) What do you want?! TED Ted... the bellboy. Athena smiles and turns to Eva. ATHENA Mr. Bellboy, come right in! Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the fleshly feast. He steps back. They giggle seductively, all except Eva, who sniffles, red-eyed. Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow, not by the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers her breasts. Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks away and steps from the door to fetch the room-service cart. Athena directs the others to put on their shirts. Ted wheels in the cart. TED Here's the things you asked for. Oh, and uhh, sorry, but I'm not gonna pick the eyes outta this dead fish. He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes into the Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window. She smirks at him comtemptuously. ATHENA (handing Ted 50 bucks) Okay, mister, here's your fifty-dollar tip, only, you have to do one more thing... make our little Eva smile. Can you? We'll leave you alone. (to Eva, firmly) And don't use your mouth! The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her watch, then holds up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The door closes on her and Ted. She looks at Ted and sighs. He covers her with a shawl. IN THE HALLWAY The other witches listen at the door. ELSPETH If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm going to take him myself. JEZEBEL Ha! That'll be a first for you. ELSPETH Oh shit -- Kiva! She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already sneaking out the bedroom door. ELSPETH And just where do you think you're going? KIVA Well, gawd -- I need a candy bar or something -- you haven't fed me all day. I'm getting all shaky. My blood sugar's really low. JEZEBEL Elspeth -- honestly now -- some babysitter you're turnin' out ta be! ATHENA Enough, girls. I will collect fresh earth. Jezebel, I want you to gather damp moss. Raven, you bring me a birch branch. Elspeth, you go feed your terrible girlfriend. We meet back here in one hour and let's all have faith that Eva can get this guy off. The witches disperse. INT. HONEYMOON SUITE--NIGHT Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in front of her. Ted is trying his best to make poor Eva smile. But no matter what his antics, she looks off sadly. TED Help me out, lady. I gotta earn this fifty bucks! EVA Oh look, they don't care if I smile or not! All they want is... Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand. EVA You won't understand, believe me. She begins to cry tearfully again. TED Try me. I've been around, y'know. He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him helplessly. And he paternally encourages her to explain. EVA Well... okay. The five of us -- Elspeth, Jezebel, Athena, Raven and me -- are a coven. TED Ha, like a coven of witches? EVA Yes. TED (stunned) Oh. He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography, jars of lurid substances, unknown body parts of animals woven into the nature sculpture... and are those tongues in that can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again puffs himself up. TED I knew that! EVA (getting calmer) And you see, our coven has spent forty years trying to perfect a ritual to undo a wicked curse put on our goddess Diana. TED Gee, you don't look a day over twenty! EVA Oh... ha ha... I mean the witches before us tried and failed. But Athena, our High Priestess, discovered a great potion to reverse the evil spell which turned our beautiful goddess into an old rock. TED (looking at the rock) Yeah? Is... is that her? Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone. EVA She was a beautiful virgin. An entertainer by trade, but a great sorceress by design. It was here in this very room, on her wedding night, a jealous rival placed the curse on Diana. TED She turned to -- that -- here? EVA Yes... and her young husband turned into a pink fish! They found him swimming in the pool in circles. While our dear goddess: a stone in her honeymoon bed. Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from the altar and hands it to Ted. EVA This was Diana. CLOSE ON photo: a Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page attire, a bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl in bondage with a spiked high heel. TED This girl here? This is the goddess Diana? The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the girl and unties her. She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap and makes the girl stand. The women face each other and break into a cheek-to-cheek tango. CLOSE ON Ted as he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing tricks on him? TED I hate to tell you this, but I kinda doubt she was a virgin. EVA Oh, but she was! She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage. Which is the example I've tried to follow: to do everything but that till I marry... She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her. TED Hey, don't cry... a virgin is a rare and beautiful thing. If you say she was a virgin, I'll believe it. EVA Well, it doesn't matter now... and she won't be resurrected tonight 'cause I failed her. I let my whole coven down! TED Wait a sec -- that rock was gonna turn back into this? He holds up the photo. Eva nods. TED Now, that would be something worth seeing! EVA Only, not now -- we were each supposed to bring something -- a life fluid. TED (wincing in disgust) If this is gonna be like one of those afterbirth conversations, I don't think I wanna hear this. EVA Only... I swallowed it... TED You swallowed what? Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened now. TED You mean, you were supposed to bring... like... like a guy's... and you...? She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless. EVA And now, you're my last chance! TED (laughing) Yeah, sure. (then -- panic) Whoa, what? You want my -- for the -- witchy poo -- ahh no -- no way -- nope. Besides, it's against hotel policy. I was warned: "No sex with the clientele"! Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her lovely breasts, and reaches her arms around his neck. He keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to him, he is already doing a ritualistic shuffle. TED Ha, c'mon now, joke's over. (seeing this is no joke) Hey, we're gonna step in the flea powder. EVA That's not flea powder, that's sacred dust ground from the horns of Albino goats. TED Right! I knew that! He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him, soft and sweet. Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on him, as he tries to resist her gaze. TED What's a nice girl like you doing in a coven, anyway? EVA Well, see, what I really want to do is be a midwife. I've attended four births already! I can prevent vaginal tears and everything. TED (trying to dodge her hexing eyes) Well, that's a good thing! A guy doesn't like surprises down there. All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle. EVA I joined the coven to attain greater understanding of my feminine power so I could become a truly great midwife! TED (the hex working now) Oh, well, I see you've been gaining a lot of insight into your... girl powers... Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast. EVA Do you really think so? TED (buckling under the temptation) Well, yeah, I'd say that seems to be the case... (she licks his neck; his eyes roll back heavenly) Ohhh, God! Betty's gonna kill me! EVA Who's Betty -- your girlfriend? TED No. My boss. EVA Oh good! TED Oh no! They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She moves him toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HALLWAY--NIGHT Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up. Lights a cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva runs to the door dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her shawl. She passes him a card. EVA My phone number in Topanga. Call me? TED (cocky) Sure, baby. Yeah, I'll give ya a call. She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving with supplies from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her blood sugar, sucks on a lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to Raven, who carries a birch limb. KIVA What's that used for? RAVEN It's a birch branch, symbolizing eternal life. You can also use the bark for a tea which assists in astral travel. KIVA Hey -- I wanna be a witch! The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly. Ted blows smoke at them and pushes his cart off down the hall. The witches run inside the room. IN THE SUITE Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles. EVA I'm a woman now! ATHENA But where is his "stuff"? EVA (pointing to the Jacuzzi) We did it right there, in the big cauldron! JEZEBEL Ooohhh honey, you're gonna be sore tomorra! Didn't your mama teach you that water strips a girl's lubrication? RAVEN Sex in water is great in the movies, not in real life... but you will learn. As we all did. JEZEBEL Yeah, when she can't walk... (to Elspeth) I guess you wouldn't have those kinds of problems -- without penetration. ELSPETH No. And virtually no cervical cancer, either. ATHENA Okay, girls, enough Sex Education 101, let's get going with our ritual, goddammit. Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts again. Kiva throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we see black bondage tape on her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick look at the tape, looks at the other witches -- not sure she likes this -- but she goes with it. The witches sway in a circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering. EVA Goddess Diana, I offer you The jism of one I wooed for you That you may live and know such bliss Of getting laid by a guy like this. The witches all incant. ALL OF THE WITCHES So must it be. Three times three times three. They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. The Jacuzzi begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; the potion bubbles over. DISSOLVE TO: HOURS LATER Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of Shadows, full of potions and spells. Four discouraged witches pack their bags. The room has been restored to its worldly under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV... so much for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab. ATHENA I don't understand what went wrong. ELSPETH I say Eva pulled one over on us. EVA What? JEZEBEL Honey -- Eva was wearing the face of someone just fucked good... and the best actress in this world, or any other, can't fake a thing like that! ELSPETH Exactly -- if she was fucked so good, how could she save his come? RAVEN It could be done... ATHENA Girls, knock it off. (she looks up from the book) Maybe... maybe it needed to be the sperm of a virgin male. EVA (dreamily) He was no virgin! The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in thought, strokes the slab. ATHENA Let's leave her here, with the sword, until dawn. I will come back for her before checkout time. I just... feel too sad to carry her away before the sun comes up to warm her. They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out. JEZEBEL (cuddling her cat) I can't believe we have to carry our own bags out! My mama would have a hissy fit! KIVA (flirtatiously) I'll carry your bags. ELSPETH (firmly) You're carrying my bags! They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as she hoists her luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought perhaps a little sore -- "ouch," she says, and smiles. Athena takes one last look at their goddess slab. ATHENA Next year, we try again -- with virgin sperm. She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New Year's Eve!). FADE TO BLACK. FOUR ROOMS FADE UP ON: INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side. TED Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do you want milk and cookies, or do you not? (pause) I can't turn on an adult station without permission from your parents. (pause, he checks his computer) That's not what the machine tells me. (pause) You be good and you'll get milk and cookies, but for now leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to sleep. He hangs up. TED (to himself) Goddamn kids. SUPER: 1:00 a.m. The phone rings again. TED Room Service. INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in on the line. Music BLARES. People dance in background. YUPPIE SCUM What room am I in? INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT BACK AND FORTH TED This is the front desk, sir. The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real Theodore. YUPPIE SCUM What room are we in? REAL THEODORE How should I know? I just got here. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) You know, don't you have one of those light things? TED If you care to go to the door and look on the other side, you'll find the room number. YUPPIE SCUM (to Real Theodore) Call my assistant and ask her what floor we're on. REAL THEODORE Who's your assistant? YUPPIE SCUM The girl you party with every night. REAL THEODORE (to himself) Who? TED I'm here alone, sir. REAL THEODORE It's room 404, I think. YUPPIE SCUM I could have sworn we were on the fifth floor. REAL THEODORE Right. 404. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) Right. 404. TED What do you need, sir? YUPPIE SCUM (to Real Theodore) What do we need? REAL THEODORE Ice. YUPPIE SCUM Ice? REAL THEODORE Ice. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) Ice. TED Ice. YUPPIE SCUM Yeah. Ice. TED Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with you momentarily. CUT TO: STORY TITLE CARD: ROOM 404 "THE WRONG MAN" INT. DARK HALLWAY Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner of his mouth and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He pulls up at a door on which the faded numbers read something like "Room 404." Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown and the door swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark room. INT. ROOM TED Anybody home? A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness. MAN'S VOICE No one here but us chickens. TED Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir. MAN'S VOICE What do you expect, Theodore, a fuckin' floor show? TED Do I know you? MAN'S VOICE I don't know. Do you? In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring down the barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, cocked and ready to fire. At the other end of the gun stands a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face. Sigfried isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits a beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. Ted drops the bucket to the floor. TED I brought your ice. SIGFRIED That's cute. In fact, the whole getup's kind of cute. The monkey suit's a nice touch, honey puss. TED This has to be a mistake. Is this room 404? SIGFRIED Theodore? What do you take me for, Theodore? TED A very upset man? Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of assorted stimulants into his mouth, chewing on them like they were breath mints. Sigfried thrusts his hand forward, gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to Angela. SIGFRIED (to Angela) I am an upset man, Theodore. TED How do you know my name, sir? SIGFRIED I'm psychic, Theodore. TED Look my name is Ted, actually, and I have no idea what's going on here, but I've obviously come at a bad time. SIGFRIED Let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing, Theodore. The fact is you're here. Sigfried turns to Angela. SIGFRIED (continuing) And I couldn't think of a better time for you to introduce me to your beau than on New Year's Eve. TED Oh fuck, there's a mistake. You're fucking wrong here. My name is Theodore, yes! My mother named me that and I hate the name. But I'm a fucking bellhop. People call me Ted. I work here. Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his pistol smack into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. Ted looks up at Sigfried in shock. SIGFRIED Look, I'd love to sit here all night with you talking about things like when you broke in your first mitt -- (pause) That was insensitive of me, wasn't it, T H E O D O R E? But let's cut to the chase, okay? TED Okay. SIGFRIED So apologize! A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who can't figure out what the fuck this guy wants. TED For what? Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back. SIGFRIED You are really beginning to annoy me, Theodore. Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth. TED Look, obviously you two are working something out and if I could help you with your problem I would. SIGFRIED What are you saying? Are you saying I got a problem? Are you trying to say I don't give her what she needs? That I'm FUCKING INSENSITIVE!! TED Look, is this about another man? Or something? Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings drastically; he bends down next to Ted. SIGFRIED Let's get our ABC's right, here, Theodore. Theodore, right? TED Ted's better. SIGFRIED Ted, okay... Are you saying my wife cheats on me? TED I didn't say that... I... SIGFRIED Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore, this is about as intimate a situation as you can get, you, me, and Angela here. It's pretty cozy. To say nothing of how stupid an idea it is to lie to a man with a loaded gun without considering the possible response. I demand an apology! The phone rings. SIGFRIED Don't move. I've got to take this. Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone. SIGFRIED (into phone) What? (pause) We ain't got any needles here, kid. Just a big fucking gun. He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up. SIGFRIED (to Ted) Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember. Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position. SIGFRIED I want you to pray for forgiveness, Theodore. Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the same. The gun lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move, but thinks better of it. Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a look to Ted, signaling him to assume the pose. SIGFRIED (continuing) Now say after me, "I apologize..." TED I apologize... SIGFRIED For what? Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with intense, wide-open eyes. SIGFRIED For fucking what? TED That I said you might have been unfaithful? SIGFRIED "That I said you might have been unfaithful?" Listen, Theodore, you're in church here... you're kneeling in front of an altar. Truth... truth is all it hears. Say the following, "I, Theodore, must humbly and sincerely apologize for saying that you fucked another man!" Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have a calming effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor, turning his face to Angela. SIGFRIED (continuing) Satisfied? Angela nods. SIGFRIED (continuing) Do you accept the fucking apology? Naturally, Angela says nothing. SIGFRIED (continuing) You always gotta get the last word, don't you? It's one way with you, Angela, isn't it? I give and I give and I get nothing back. Sigfried turns to Ted. SIGFRIED (continuing) She just sits there waiting for me to jump through hoops... Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with bated breath for a response. Sigfried's had enough. SIGFRIED (continuing) Stupid me, for a second I thought you were going to say something... something like, "I'm sorry." HA! "I'm sorry." You're absolutely right, love cakes, I wouldn't want it that way. That's one thing you can say about Angela. She'll never do anything she doesn't want to do. If the feeling ain't there, she just isn't going to do it. There is nothing in this world as fucked as a woman who gives when she doesn't want to. Never let that happen to you, Theodore. It makes you feel very little indeed. Ted beckons Sigfried. TED You mind if I...? SIGFRIED Go ahead. Spit it out. TED I don't mean to upset you further, sir, but I think she was trying to say yes. SIGFRIED Are you condescending to me, Theodore? TED Absolutely not, I would never do that. SIGFRIED Why don't you just say it? TED Say what? SIGFRIED That you think I'm an idiot. TED I would never say that. SIGFRIED You think you're superior to me, don't ya, Theodore? You don't think I notice there is a gag in the woman's mouth. TED Of course you do. SIGFRIED Naturally "of course." And do you know how I know that? TED How, sir? SIGFRIED Because I PUT THE GAG IN HER MOUTH! I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about communication, Theodore. It's all in the eyes... (points the gun at Ted) Him? (turns the gun on himself) Or me? Him or me? No one? Okay. Let's drag it out. Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving the empty bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing into the bathroom. INT. ROOM Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela implores Ted to lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation: His chances of making it to the door are slim due to the fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom door. Ted paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to get his attention. He whips around and they face off in what appears to be a game of charades. Ted finally gets the point and cautiously removes the gag from Angela's mouth. Angela spits an old sock out. TED What! ANGELA We don't have time to play charades here, asshole! Untie me quick. TED Listen, lady, I don't know what in the hell is going on here, but I'd appreciate it if you would explain to that nutcase that he's making a big mistake. ANGELA Look, whether you like it or not, you're in the middle of a situation here you can't just wish your way out of. TED But I've never seen you people before, we're complete strangers. ANGELA Everyone starts out strangers, Ted, it's where we end up that counts. Hurry up. Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or not. TED I don't know if I can do this. It's too hard. ANGELA Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped to consider how many times you change your underwear in a lifetime? On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations. ANGELA I don't mean literally, you ignoramus. TED What? ANGELA Forget it, listen to me. There's a gun in my suitcase behind the bed, it's loaded... TED I'm not going to shoot anybody. ANGELA Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot "anybody." TED And make me an accessory in the murder of your husband? Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela. TED That's not fair. It just isn't fair. ANGELA Get a fucking grip on yourself. First off, who says he's my husband? And second, we are a long way from fair here, fair is back in jolly old England eatin' crumpets and sipping on tea. Ted collects himself. TED Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well, maybe there are two sides to this thing. ANGELA There are two sides to a plate, still you only eat off of one. Now GET THE GUN! TED So why's he got you tied up? ANGELA I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun! Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm. ANGELA Come on, Ted. Come over here just for a minute. You can do it. Come on, Ted. You look like a good guy. Ted creeps towards her. ANGELA That's it, Teddy. You look so much more attractive when you're self- assured. Sigfried suddenly comes to life... He's heard from the bathroom belting out "Life is but a dream... she-boom, she- boom." ANGELA (she panics) Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag back in, and remember the gun! Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth. TED Nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two times, to the best of my estimation. INT. ROOM Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips around to discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to the bathroom. SIGFRIED I was just beginning to think I could trust you, Theodore. Silly me. Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips. TED I was just trying to help her breathe a little. SIGFRIED Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You don't mind me calling you Teddy, do you? TED That's fine. SIGFRIED I used to have a little bunny rabbit named Teddy, it looked real cute nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem here is you're no bunny rabbit, Theodore, and it really fuckin' razzes me to picture you doin' it. But don't let me stop you, Teddy... no need to play sneaky-poo. Ted starts to back toward the door. TED Look, man, if this is some kind of Voodoo thing and you want me to have sex with your wife, there is absolutely no way. SIGFRIED (shouts at the top of his lungs) I said, nibble, asshole! Now! The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND of a trigger being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. Angela is a stunning beauty, and Ted being kind of a shy guy makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans forward. As he closes in, Angela's eyes close. TED (whispers) Sorry, lady. Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela. SIGFRIED What's the matter, no whiz left in the cheese? I'm not cramping your style, am I? TED Look, I'm not playing this game anymore. Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him. SIGFRIED It's almost all over, Theodore, and soon you can go home to Mommy. Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear hug and blasts out the following monologue. TED My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED, T... E... D... TED... NOT TEDDY, NOT THEODORE... TED... Yes, my mother did me the service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it's like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow fucking tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me now, because no one is going to call me that again. My name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED! Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. He takes a step toward Ted and offers him his hand. SIGFRIED Sigfried. TED What? SIGFRIED My name is Sigfried. TED Sigfried? Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted. SIGFRIED Yah, Sigfried. TED Nice to meet you, Sigfried. Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand. SIGFRIED Very impressive, Ted. "Theo the Thumper?"... Ouch. It's a deal, kid. Ted it will be. TED Thanks. Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant fireworks pops in the background. Car horns and a muffled countdown signal that it's New Year's. Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of nowhere bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's mouth. Something snaps in Sigfried. He is either really getting off on this or he is caught in the grips of a seizure. He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as he flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all over the place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve while trying to dodge the barrel of the gun. TED You okay, mister? I'll get help! Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at Ted. He signals for Ted to go to the bathroom. TED (continuing) That's the wrong door, sir. Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the gun into his crotch. Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his. SIGFRIED Get me the nitro... it's in the bathroom cabinet. Now! Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling mess behind. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM--SAME TIME Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an earthquake. Towels and wet clothes are all over the place. An evening gown is flushed halfway down the toilet and pills are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other room to hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked "Nitro." No luck. Ted spots a small window set above the toilet. He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break. Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm through the window before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in the bathroom. Struggle as he may, he can only hit the toilet- bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out through the apartment. SIGFRIED (O.S.) (shouting in the distance) It's no time to take a leak, Teddy, I'm fucking dying here! EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW--NIGHT Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe. It's a strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water in paradise, knowing a huge shark is ready to rip his ass off. He can see the flickering red glowing light from the witches' room from the floor below. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW--NIGHT Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her name out, to no avail. The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for help. The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang there for a moment. He wonders how many other people have found themselves in situations like this before him. Probably everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a bloody hand print. It's not his blood. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE--NIGHT Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around, spotting a young man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag on the phone) leaning out of the window directly above him. After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted gathers himself. TED Hi... No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is drained from his face and he is mumbling something. TED Listen, I'm stuck here in a situation that I can't even begin to explain, but would you be so kind as to get help? Could you call the police, please? Silence. TED (continuing) You okay? The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before hurling a mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's strength to dodge the puke and pull himself back into the bathroom. He falls back on the floor. He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices something odd... the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks into the bedroom. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL BEDROOM--MOMENTS LATER Ted looks around the still room. No one's there. TED Sigfried? He heads toward the door and, from out of the corner of his eye, he spots Sigfried's hairy leg. Sigfried has passed out on the floor. Angela's chair has been knocked on its side. Ted races over to help lift her back up. He pulls the gag from her mouth. Angela jumps all over him. ANGELA Where's the fucking nitro? TED I couldn't find it! ANGELA You took long enough. Untie me, for Christ's sake, you fucking upset him and he's dying. Ted struggles to untie Angela. TED I thought you wanted to kill him. ANGELA You'd make a great cop, Theodore. The knots are all over the place and a real bitch to untie. TED I can't handle this alone, I'd better get help. Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into Sigfried, who's been taking in the whole conversation. SIGFRIED I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted? TED Thank God you're okay... SIGFRIED Never felt better. Angela hears Sigfried's voice from behind her back. ANGELA You bastard! SIGFRIED (to Angela) Come on, honey, don't get mad. It was just a little test, and I'm glad I did it because now I'll know forever that you really do love me. Truly and deeply. ANGELA If the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find ourselves as we are at this very fucking moment. SIGFRIED Oh, no. I heard you and there was genuine care in that voice. Can't be denied. Can it, Ted? TED I think you're right and, if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going, you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding. Ted edges his way toward the door. TED (continuing) You'd be surprised what happens when people just listen to each other without succumbing to all that pain and anger. ANGELA You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you fuck another man's wife. You should at least have the guts to stand by your convictions. Sigfried turns an icy eye on Ted, who has given up all hope of ever getting out of the room. TED That's a lie, Sigfried. I swear to God. Angela continues her tirade. ANGELA When I think of all the times you were inside me promising me a better life, it makes me want to puke. Sigfried slowly raises his gun, pointing it directly at Ted's chest. TED Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you people? ANGELA What didn't you do, stick man? Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock. The words hit Sigfried like bullets to the chest... his legs weaken. SIGFRIED (whimpering) He's got a huge cock? TED She's lying again, mister. It's not that big. SIGFRIED Show it to me. TED Come on, man, she's lying. Can't you see she's fucking with you? ANGELA Put it this way, God made up for what he did to Gumby with Ted here. SIGFRIED Show it to me. ANGELA Show him your cock, Theodore. Sigfried runs over to Angela and kneels in front of her. SIGFRIED Stop talking about his cock, will you?! ANGELA It's hard to stop talking about something so huge. I could go on and on about his cock, bone, nob, bishop, wang, thang, hotrod. Hump mobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami. Sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink, tool, Big Ben, Mister Happy, prick, disk, pecker, peter, pee-pee, wee-wee, weiner, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, middle-leg, third- leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick. Angela is on a roll. She fires the words at Sigfried, hitting him pointblank. He staggers. He pleads with her to stop, covering his ears. Ted watches the man crumble. ANGELA (continuing) Junior, the little head, little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll. Snake, one-eyed monster, one-eyed wonder, shaft, sword, meat whistle, skin flute, love muscle, Roto-Rooter, instrument, banger, rammer, ramrod, cherrypicker, log, pole. Sigfried tries jamming the sock back in her mouth to stop the flow; she manages to give him a "fuck of a bite" in the process. Meanwhile, Ted figures this to be his moment to make a move and bolts for the door, only to be tackled by Sigfried at the one-yard line. After a struggle, the two men rest on the floor, catching their breath in a relaxed embrace. SIGFRIED Please, don't leave me. I'll call you Ted from now on. TED It's not me, mister, I swear. SIGFRIED Personally, I don't give a fuck, Ted, it's just I don't want to be alone right now. I'm feeling a little vulnerable. Sigfried heaves the gun over his shoulder, grabs a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's, and passes it to Ted, who takes a hit. SIGFRIED (continuing) No guns, okay? Just you and me, Ted. You know my father used to say that forgiveness is the only thing that evil can't sink its teeth into. TED That's beautiful. SIGFRIED Kind of nice down here on the floor, isn't it, Ted? TED Yes, actually. SIGFRIED Things take on a whole new perspective... You'd like my trust, wouldn't you, Ted? TED Yes I would. SIGFRIED I just got one thing to ask you and I'll let you go. TED Okay. Okay. SIGFRIED Tell me straight now. TED What? SIGFRIED What was it like? TED What was what like? SIGFRIED You know, you and her. TED Oh, for fuck sake, Sigfried, what do you want me to say? SIGFRIED Either way you're fucked, right? You ever gonna see her again, Theodore? TED If I ever saw her again, I'd run the other way. SIGFRIED Promise? TED I promise. Sigfried releases Ted and stands up. SIGFRIED You're lying, but I can respect that, Ted. If you told me, it would no longer be a secret, and secrets have a power, kid. You open that box and they disappear forever. A bad secret will rip you apart, but the good one are all you got. In the end, when all the people you knew are dead and gone, all you'll have left are you secrets. And when you die, the box is open and it all blows away -- dust to dust -- all the anger, jealousy, desire and love just blow away. Sigfried throws his hand out to help Ted up. SIGFRIED (continuing) So you know what I say, let's call it a truce, kiddo. Sigfried takes Ted by the hand and leads him to an open window. Ted is overcome by the sweetness in Sigfried's voice and follows him to the window willingly. The two men look out into the dark Los Angeles night. SIGFRIED (continuing) I'm a man of love, Theodore. Love is all I live for. TED I can see that. SIGFRIED Maybe to a fault. TED Don't beat yourself up over it. SIGFRIED That's nice of you to say, Ted, but I probably should make a clean break of it, cut her loose and get my own place. I just can't imagine living without her. Do you think I should seek professional help? TED It's not for everyone, but maybe in your case it could help. SIGFRIED You ever been out on the ocean at night? Ted shakes his head. SIGFRIED (continuing) I have... scary as a motherfucker, all that darkness around you. It's like a big black carpet rolled out as far as the eye can see. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll see a light. It could be as small as a little spark, but it will cut a path straight through all that blackness, straight to you. It could be another boat, or some distant fire on an island, but that light will shed a shining path of diamonds cutting through mile after mile of darkness to lie at your feet. That's love, Ted, it's like a path of light in an ocean of darkness. Ted and Sigfried stare out of the window in peace, transfixed by the glimmering lights of the city. A loud SHOT rings out, shattering the still moment. The two men spin around. Angela stands there with a smoking gun hanging at her side. Sigfried drops to his knees. Ted checks him out, no blood. Angela has fired the gun into the floor below. Ted looks up at Angela. Angela opens the chamber of the pistol and hands the bullets to Ted. ANGELA (to Ted) You'd better go check to see if I killed anybody downstairs. Sigfried is bent over, silently weeping on the floor. TED You people gonna be okay? Angela sits next to Sigfried and gently strokes his back. ANGELA We're fine, Ted. Ted points to a tray with half-eaten food on it. TED Would you like me to...? ANGELA Another time, Ted. Ted slowly walks toward the door and takes one last look at the strange couple at rest in the corner of the room before closing the door behind him. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY--MOMENTS LATER Ted walks down the hallway, lost in thought. An energetic Young Guy with a bouquet of flowers plows into him. YOUNG GUY Happy New Year, buddy. TED Happy New Year. YOUNG GUY I was just in room 404, what a party! You know where room 409 is at? TED Beats me. It's somewhere around here. The guy takes off in the direction Ted's walking from. Ted suddenly realizes who this guy is and whips around, shouting to the Young Guy. TED (continuing) Hey, what's your name? The door SLAMS on room 409. FADE OUT FADE TO BLACK STORY TITLE CARD: ROOM 716 "THE MISBEHAVERS" FADE UP THE FRONT DESK SUPER: 10:30 p.m. Ted is relaxing at the front desk. He breathes slowly. He finally has one moment's peace after an already long night. He even has a chance to straighten his tie. The phone RINGS. TED Front desk. CUT TO: ROOM 716 CLOSE-UP of a cigarette hanging out of a Man's mouth as he speaks into the telephone. MAN Bottle of Moet et Chandon. Fast. Man hangs up the phone and stubs out his cigarette into an already overstuffed ashtray by the bed. Man turns around to face the camera. He is a dark and handsome Latin male in his mid-30s. Dangerous. Impatient. He walks toward the camera as he continues straightening his tie. He stops at the door of the bathroom and watches his Wife and two kids get ready for the party. Wife seems to be a beautiful woman in her mid-30s. The children are Sarah, nine, and Juancho, six. Man strikes up another cigarette and finishes his tie. He watches his Wife comb Juancho's hair down and to the side like an idiot. Not being able to stand it anymore, Man tears Juancho away from his Wife and snatches the comb. MAN Give me that... Man begins to slick Juancho's hair back. MAN There... see? You look cool with your hair up like this. Like me... Juancho is smiling now. He's happy he's going to look like his dad. MAN Not down and to the side, all stupid like your mom likes to comb it. Juancho looks over at Sarah, who is going through the tortuous ritual of having her mother brush the tangles out of her long, unmanageable hair. Wife seems to be taking out her aggressions on the tangled mess. Man is starting to have problems of his own with Juancho's hair. Juancho's hair is thinner than Man's, so it won't stay up. Man puts down his cigarette in order to get a better handle on it. We see the frustration growing in his face. Juancho picks up the cigarette and pretends he's smoking too, just like his dad. Man tears the cigarette away from Juancho and smokes it down to the filter. He looks at his own cool hair, and then down at Juancho's, which won't stay up. Man flicks the cigarette butt into the toilet in frustration. MAN You've got your mother's hair. In anger, Man starts messing up Juancho's hair. MAN I can't do anything with it. Furious, Man simply swipes Juancho's hair back down and to the side, the way Wife had it before. Juancho looks like an idiot again. MAN There. Go. Juancho slouches past everyone as he exits the bathroom. Sarah watches him leave as her own hair is finished. WIFE (putting a plastic clip in Sarah's hair) There. Go. Sarah exits. Wife then finishes her own gorgeous hair. Man lights up a new cigarette. WIFE (mocking) So, are we gonna have fun tonight? Man blows smoke in Wife's face as he walks out of the bathroom. WIFE I didn't think so. Sarah has joined Juancho in watching television. Man watches the children watch TV. We can see the wheels turning in Man's head. He turns back to the bathroom. He watches Wife now. Wheels turning. Practically burning rubber. MAN Hey. Wife puts the lipstick down and turns to her husband. She is beautiful. MAN (shrugs) Let's just leave the kids here. Wife glances out at the children, eyes glued to the tube. WIFE Here in the room? By themselves? MAN No... with the television. Wife thinks about it for a second. She shrugs a "sure." MAN You want to have fun tonight, don't you? WIFE Yes. MAN They'll be fine. He kisses Wife's face and exits the bathroom. She covers the wet spot with more cake makeup. MAN Hey. The children turn to face him. MAN You guys are going to stay here and watch TV. The children look at each other. MAN I want you to be in bed asleep before twelve. Your mother and I will be back later on. Wife goes straight for the door. MAN Okay? He blows one kiss. One for both of them. As Man and his Wife walk out the door, Man turns back to the children... MAN Don't misbehave. He closes the door. Sarah stands in the middle of the room. She's looking at the door Man and Wife just disappeared through. Stunned. Her dress looks frilly and beautifully uncomfortable. She touches the edges of the fabric. SARAH Why did we have to get all dressed up if we weren't going with them? CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY Man and Wife are walking down the hall. Man stops in his tracks. Wife stops too and looks at Man. They wait. CUT TO: ROOM 716 Juancho shuts off the television. He drops the remote to the floor. His attention is on the fireworks outside. He leaps to the window and begins unlatching it. SARAH What are you doing? JUANCHO Escaping. Stinks in here, anyway. Man bursts through the door of the hotel room and stands in the doorway, glaring at the mischievous Juancho. Juancho bangs his head on the window trying to get back inside. He leaps to the floor and tries to turn on the TV with the remote. MAN (stern) What did I say? Juancho turns to Man as if he'd been sitting there watching television the whole time. MAN Behave. JUANCHO Yes, Papa. Ted appears at the door with Man's champagne. TED The champagne you ordered, sir. MAN No time for this. Leave it on ice. Ted proceeds to place the champagne in the room. WIFE But I want some now... Ted is torn. Man pushes him into the room. MAN There'll be plenty for you and the party, baby, you can bomb yourself all you want at the party. WIFE What a waste. Ted places the bucket near the bed. After setting up the bottle, he turns to leave, but now Man closes the door, trapping Ted inside with them. MAN (to Ted) Hey. Ted looks around, bewildered. Now what? Man is reaching into his coat pocket. MAN You want five hundred bucks? TED Sure! Man hesitates a moment, then pulls out his wallet. That was too easy. MAN How about three? TED Three hundred? MAN Yeah. TED Three's good. MAN My children are staying here tonight watching TV. I want you to check up on them every thirty minutes. TED Check up on 'em? MAN Make sure they're all right, make sure they're fed, make sure they go to bed. TED We can call out and hire a babysitter. MAN I don't trust babysitters. My children are safer alone than with some fucked- up pedophile babysitter I don't know from the man in the fucking moon. WIFE What about him? What makes you think you can trust him? Man grabs Ted's face and tilts it torward Wife. MAN Tell me that's not a face you can trust. Man lets go of Ted's face. He feels his jaw. It's still there. TED Look, sir, I'd like to help you out, but I really can't. I'm all alone here tonight. Man whips out his wallet and counts out money in Ted's face. MAN One hundred... two hundred... three hundred... TED I thought you said five hundred. Man glares at Ted. MAN I said three hundred. Ted doesn't back down. TED No, you distinctly said five hundred. The angrier Man gets, the quieter he talks. MAN You calling me a liar? Ted, while not backing down, massages the situation. TED No, I'm not saying you're lying. I'm saying you accidentally forgot that what you first said was five hundred. Man has never been challenged like this by a fuckin' bellboy. MAN I don't do anything accidentally, jerk. I might've first said five hundred, but what I last said was three hundred, and what you say last is what counts. Ted not only doesn't back down, but psychologically pokes his finger in the scary Man's chest. TED Well then, if you say five hundred one last time, we got a deal. Man's eyes narrow. He physically pokes his finger in Ted's chest. MAN You fuckin' with me, Pendejo? Now Ted takes a step backwards. TED No, not at all. It's New Year's Eve and I'm here alone. If there was somebody else here, no problem, but I'm by myself. And looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need -- MAN You callin' my kids a pain in the ass? TED -- No, they're not a pain in the ass, it's the situation that's a pain in the ass. Man drops the tenseness. MAN No, you were right the first time. You win, tough guy, five hundred. Man respects Ted for not backing down, but not insulting him either. A skill Man never learned. Wife shoots a look at the children. WIFE (disgusted) You kids are getting expensive. Juancho turns back to the TV. Sarah stares down Wife. MAN (looking at name tag) What's your name? Ted? CLOSE-UP of name tag. TED Yeah. It's Ted. Man tears off Ted's name tag and throws it to children. MAN (to the children) His name is Ted. If you need anything, dial 0 and ask for Ted. Sarah catches the name tag and reads the name on it: "TED -- BELLHOP." Sarah looks up at Ted. She clips the pin to her dress and smiles shyly at him. Man puts the money in Ted's pocket and then grabs his ear, pulling him close. MAN (deadly whisper) If something happens to my children, I wouldn't want to be you. WIFE Make sure they're in bed before midnight. TED (thinking) Before midnight? Then should I wake them up for the countdown to the New Year? Wife looks disgusted. WIFE No... As Man and Wife exit, he turns to the kids and says: MAN Don't misbehave. Man closes the door. INT. HALLWAY Man and Wife book it down the hall before Ted can change his mind. ROOM 716 Ted is standing facing the door the Man and Wife just disappeared through. He turns around slowly to face the children. His eyes are wide. His face is quiet. Stern. The children are staring at him. TED Okay. These are the rules. Don't break the rules and I won't break your necks. The kids look at each other. TED (smiling) I always wanted to say that. Someone said that to me when I was a kid. Sarah laughs at his joke. TED Except they were joking. I'm not. Ted goes to the door. TED The rules are simple. Don't do anything you wouldn't do if your parents were here. If there's an emergency, call me on the phone, like your dad said. SARAH That's not what he said. Ted's surprised by a challenge this early in the game. SARAH He said to call if we need anything. TED Well, I've got a lot of work to do and I can't have you calling me every time you want a drink of water, so please limit your calls to emergencies only. SARAH We paid you five hundred dollars. We'll call you if we need anything. You don't want to upset my dad. TED Okay. Please. Try to call only when necessary. Watch TV, and if you're good, I'll bring up some milk and cookies. Bye. Ted leaves. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY Ted walks briskly down the hall, counting his money the whole way. CUT TO: INT. ROOM Juancho takes off his socks and shoes and throws them onto the floor. Sarah looks at the discarded shoes and socks. CLOSE ON the shoes and socks. Sarah looks over at Juancho's bare feet. Her nose twitches. SARAH Your feet stink. Juancho smells his feet. JUANCHO They don't stink. Sarah throws his shoes and socks behind her. They land on the bed. Juancho is flipping channels and finds an interesting show. JUANCHO Check it out. T & A. Sarah realizes he found a Nudie station. SARAH Change it. You're not supposed to watch this. JUANCHO We're supposed to watch TV. SARAH Not this kind of TV. Change it. Juancho rolls up in a ball, the remote tucked in some recess of his stomach. Sarah hits him, then goes to the phone. She punches 0, sits on the bed, and checks the name on the name tag pinned to her shirt. CUT TO: FRONT DESK Ted walks up to the front desk just as the phone rings. TED Front desk. INT. ROOM Sarah is taking off her white winter tights. SARAH Ted? Hi. It's me, Sarah. You're our sitter for tonight. TED Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? I said if you don't bother me, you'll get milk and cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not? SARAH I want you to turn off the Nudie station in our room. Ted checks the computer. TED (reading stats on room 716) I can't turn on an adult station without permission from your parents. SARAH No. (struggling with winter tights) Not turn it on, turn it off. It's already on. TED That's not what the machine tells me. SARAH Well, stop listening to the machine and listen to me. There's naked ladies dancing on my TV and I want 'em off. TED If you're good, you'll get milk and cookies, so leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to sleep. He hangs up. ROOM 716 Angry, Sarah slams down the phone. She has an unusually adult temper. We know where she gets it from. She looks up and sees that the nudies are still in full force. SARAH Change the channel, now! Juancho turns around. He has a face like someone just laid a fart in his nose. JUANCHO Man, you're the one with the stinky feet. Sarah smells her feet. Twice. SARAH They don't stink. JUANCHO Yeah, they do. SARAH Here, smell for yourself. She sticks her foot out for Juancho to smell. He's reluctant. Fearful. SARAH Go ahead. He slowly, very slowly... climbs onto the bed and lowers his head to her foot. Very slowly. Sarah waits until he's close enough to her foot before she kicks him in the face, sending him somersaulting off the bed and crashing to the floor. She grabs the remote control he left behind and changes the channel to a cartoon. Juancho gets up and realizes his defeat. He decides to wander about. Looking for something to do... Sarah tries to ignore him as he stalks the room. It's only a matter of time before he finds mischief. Juancho sees the champagne bucket and Bingo!, he goes for the bottle. JUANCHO (holding up the bottle) Hey, get a bottle opener! Sarah opens her mouth, as if about to tell him to leave the champagne alone. She stops herself when she realizes she wants some champagne too. She quickly scrambles about for a bottle opener while Juancho unwraps the bottle top. Sarah opens the dresser drawer with such force that a few hidden contents long forgotten in the back of the drawer slide forward. Some coins, a paperclip, and a hypodermic needle. She looks down at the needle that lays beside the Gideon Bible and casually picks the phone back up and punches 0. The phone rings. FRONT DESK Ted, bucket of ice in his hand, gets ready to go to room 404. As he crosses the desk, the phone rings. He looks at the board and see room 716's light blinking. He sighs in exasperation. INT. ROOM Sarah sees Juancho shaking the champagne bottle violently. SARAH Don't shake it! (into phone) Ted? Hi. It's me. Sarah. TED Yeah. Who died? No one? Then don't call me. SARAH I thought I'd tell you that your cleaning ladies are doing a bum job. There's all kinds of leftover stuff around here. Sarah picks up the needle and rolls it over in her hand several times. SARAH Needles and things. We're not supposed to have needles here, are we? I mean, they don't come with the room, do they? Send someone up here to clean this place up right. The champagne bottle explodes all over Juancho. He looks surprised. SARAH (to Juancho) I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHAKE IT! (to Ted) I gotta go. My brother just exploded the champagne all over the room. Oh, and bring us a couple of toothbrushes. There's a card in the bathroom that says you'll bring free toothbrushes if we ask for them. She hangs up. A frustrated Ted hangs up the phone. He walks briskly to the elevator. Sarah and Juancho are pouring themselves champagne. They turn up the television and drink. Juancho shudders at the taste, but tries to drink as much as Sarah. Sarah clearly doesn't like it, but tries to pretend she does. Sarah picks up an instruction card near the phone to see how to make room-to-room calls. SARAH I'm calling another room, give me three numbers. JUANCHO 4-0-9. Sarah punches in the room number. The phone rings. She holds the needle up to the light to examine it. SARAH Hello? Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but... do you have any needles? We've got needles here and I was wondering if they come with the room or not. Don't have any? Thanks. Just checking. She hangs up. Juancho puts down his champagne glass and searches his father's coat pocket. He finds a pack of cigarettes and takes one out. He puts it in his mouth and pretends to smoke. Sarah checks out the hypodermic needle carefully. She has an idea. MONTAGE: In the bathroom, Sarah seeks out her mother's lipstick. ROOM 716 Sarah stands atop the chest of drawers and uses the lipstick to draw a bull's-eye on one of the hotel art paintings. She writes numbers next to each circle representing points. Juancho is standing at the foot of the bed, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, as he practices his dart-throwing technique. SARAH (pointing out the rules) The center is the bull's eye, 100 points, this one's 10 points, this one's 20 points. WHACK! The needle lands an inch from her face in the 20-point slot. SARAH Hey, wait a minute. Let me get out of the way! Sarah, a little tipsy now, grabs the needle and staggers to the bed. She hears the key in the doorway and throws the needle into the curtain to hide it. Ted enters the room, somewhat disheveled from his encounter with Sigfried. He has a tray and a new bottle of champagne. He puts the champagne bottle into the empty bucket. He spots the original bottle lying on the floor half empty and dripping into the carpet. TED I brought you some milk and cookies. If you want some you have to eat them now, because you're going to sleep. SARAH We're going to sleep now? TED Your parents said put you to bed before midnight. Well, it's before midnight. Maybe that way you'll leave me alone. SARAH Those aren't milk and cookies. TED We were out of cookies, so I brought you milk and Saltines. Don't complain! Now hurry up and eat. You're going to bed right now. Juancho bites into a Saltine. Sarah simply examines one. JUANCHO These are old. SARAH They're stale. TED (impatient) Dip 'em in the milk! The milk will make them soft. Sarah gives up and throws the cracker back onto the tray. She's a little drunk. Ted picks up the ruined champagne bottle. Juancho dips his crackers and eats them. He makes a face and drops a soggy cracker onto the tray. TED No crackers? Okay, fine. Sleepy time. Now, I don't want you guys wandering around, so if you need to go to the restroom, go now. They go to the bathroom. Ted sits on the bed. Waits. He sees the painting on the wall but can't figure out what's different about it. The red lipstick blends right into the aesthetic value of the painting. Ted smells something funny. He looks down and sees the socks on the bed. He grabs a fork from the tray and uses it to throw the socks across the room. The kids come back out. JUANCHO What about our pajamas? TED You wanna look nice in case there's an earthquake, don'tcha? The children nod. TED Okay. Then stay in those clothes. The kids lie on the bed. Sarah notices a jar of Mentholatum ointment on the dinner tray. SARAH What's that? TED Oh, this is just some Mentholatum ointment. Come on, under the covers. Close your eyes and I'll tell you a story. The children close their eyes. Ted opens the jar of the ointment and sniffs it. Strong stuff by the look on his face. TED Your dad says he doesn't trust babysitters. I don't blame him. You know what my babysitter did to me once? (confiding) I never told my parents, either. The children lie in the bed, eyes closed, listening intently. Ted dips his fingers in the jar of vaporous ointment. TED I hated going to sleep. You know, it's nighttime and you wanna run around and act crazy. So what my babysitter did to make sure I'd go to sleep and not be tempted to get up, was, she'd take some of this vapor rub stuff... Can you smell this? Eyes closed, the kids inhale. They smell the ointment and nod yes. TED Well, she'd just dab a little of this over each eyelid, so that I would be sure and keep my eyes closed all night. Ted is spreading the ointment over their eyelids as he says this. TED There. Now you've got some, too! Don't open your eyes or it'll burrrn, burn, burn. The smell helps clear your sinuses too, so it's doing double duty. JUANCHO What happens when it's morning? TED If you keep your eyes closed all night, it will wear off by morning. But DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES BEFORE THAT... SARAH Did you ever open your eyes? Extreme CLOSE-UP on Ted's eyes. TED Yes... I did. The children are quiet. TED And now look at me. CHILDREN (in unison) We can't. TED Good. You'll do just fine. Sleep well and I won't tell your parents about the champagne. Ted leaves. CUT TO: AFTER A MOMENT OF DARKNESS After a moment of darkness, the night is disturbed by the loud crashing of fireworks outside the window. Sarah sits up, eyes closed. Her face feels the warmth coming from the window and she tilts her head toward it. The light of the fireworks dances its reflections off her face. She inhales deeply... then makes a sour face. She goes for the bathroom, arms outstretched like a blind girl. She gets to the bathroom, turns on the light, and searches for the sink. She begins to wash the ointment off her eyes very carefully. She dries her eyes thoroughly and opens them... checks them in the mirror. A little red, but otherwise fine. She goes back into the bedroom, turns on the television and grabs the new champagne bottle. She shakes it violently. Juancho wakes. He turns his head to her. His eyes are still closed. JUANCHO Are you watching TV? The champagne bottle explodes. She pours herself a glass. SARAH Yep. If you wanna watch too, you have to go wash your face. Juancho gets up smiling and tries to run to the bathroom. He slams into the wall, hard. SARAH Be careful... Juancho walks into the bathroom a little slower, more cautious. Sarah pours herself another glass. She downs the glass and shudders. She smells the bad smell again. Only now she really smells it. She smells her feet. Nothing. She smells the champagne. Nothing. Juancho enters the room and sits on the bed. Sarah grabs his foot and smells it. She drops his foot. Juancho stares blankly at her. Sarah looks down at the mattress. She smells the mattress. Juancho looks at her as if she's drunk. Sarah leaps off the bed and turns on the room lights. She takes a huge swig from the champagne bottle, then stalks toward the mattress. Juancho leaps off the bed as well and stands back. Sarah pulls the mattress off of the bedsprings enough to see what is underneath it. Juancho screams. Sarah is too stunned to scream. Stuffed into the bedsprings is a woman's dead and beaten corpse. CUT TO: CLOSE ON Ted's phone ringing. Ted looks at the phone as if pondering whether or not to answer it. He taps his fingers. Finally he answers the phone. ROOM 716 SARAH Ted! TED What do you want now, for Christ's sake! Who died? SARAH (near tears) I don't know, but she's in my bed! TED What? SARAH There's a dead body in my bed! TED That's just your brother. Sound asleep. SARAH No, there's a woman's dead body inside the bed, in the mattress. TED You saw the body? SARAH Yes! TED Impossible. You've got ointment on your eyes! You can't see shit! Now go to sleep! Ted hangs up the phone. Sarah redials. Ted answers. TED Godammit, go to sleep! SARAH (crying now) I washed it off... TED You washed off the ointment? SARAH (pissed, drunk) Yeah, didn't you ever think to do that? Ted is quiet on the line. Thinking. Juancho lights up a cigarette for real and takes nervous puffs. Sarah carries the phone over to Juancho and snatches the cigarette away from him. She stuffs it in her own mouth and nervously takes a long drag on it. SARAH (through cigarette) You never tried it, did you? Then you agree I'm smarter than you... TED All right. Now you listen to me... SARAH Get your ass up here and call the police, because there's a dead body in my bed and it smells like shit and it looks even worse, and if you don't help us, my dad is gonna lay you down right next to her, I swear to fucking God! She drinks from her champagne bottle. She's pulling the mattress back over the corpse again. JUANCHO Go, sis. She's drunk all right. TED (incensed) I'm coming up and if there isn't a dead body by the time I get there, I'll make one myself. You! FRONT DESK Ted slams down the phone. As he walks away from the counter, he spots the children's parents driving up to the valet out front. TED Oh shit! Ted breaks into a sprint and dives into a closing elevator. CUT TO: ROOM 716 Sarah continues to cover the body with the mattress. ELEVATOR Close on Ted's face as the elevator car races up seven floors. LOBBY The Man is carrying his drunk Wife through the lobby. Not happy. ROOM 716 Ted bursts into the room. He sees the disarray. Ted pushes the champagne out of Sarah's hand, spilling it onto the floor. TED What the fuck is going on??!! He sees Juancho with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth and rips it away from him. The butt goes flying onto the carpet near the spreading champagne spill. TED Your parents are on their way up and I'm not taking responsibility for this mess! SARAH Check under the mattress! TED For what? SARAH (crying) For the body, can't you smell it? TED It's your feet! Sarah grabs the mattress and pulls it off herself. Ted sees the rotting corpse. Vomit spews out of Ted's mouth. TED (gurgles through vomit- spewing lips) Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck is this? He tears at the phone. TED (into the phone) Police, it's an emergency! (pause) Hello, Police, this is the Mon Signor Hotel, get someone up here right fucking now, there's a DEAD WHORE stuffed under the mattress! Tears well in Sarah's eyes as she looks at the body. SARAH Don't call her that... TED (into the phone) I'm dead fucking serious, there's a dead fucking Whore stuffed in the bedsprings of the fucking bed! SARAH Stop calling her that!! Sarah grabs the hypodermic needle from under the curtain and stabs it into Ted's leg. TED FUCK!! Sarah steps back, almost tripping over the champagne bottle. She picks up the bottle and holds it defensively in case Ted tries to retaliate. Ted spins around, now noticing the needle sticking out of his leg. TED Jesus!! Juancho lights up another cigarette. The champagne spill has spread to the fallen cigarette butt. The carpet bursts into flames around the spill. CUT OUTSIDE TO: EXT. ROOM CLOSE ON a key going into the keyhole outside. BACK TO: ROOM 716 Ted tries to pull the syringe out of his leg, but yanking it makes it break in two, the plunger in his hand, and the needle still stuck in his leg. Ted staggers and grabs hold of the dead woman's foot for support as he steps on the remote control, flipping the TV on to the Nudie channel, just as... Man opens the door. Man stands at the door, drunk Wife unconscious on one arm, the door knob in the other hand. He's looking mean. Man's POV: focused on the dead woman in the bedsprings. We pan up the dead woman's leg to find Ted holding her foot. We pan down Ted's leg to find the hypodermic needle jutting out... then pan over to the other hand holding the broken syringe plunger. We pan over to the Nudie channel, then down to the fire blazing behind the children. Pan up to the dripping champagne bottle in Sarah's hand, then over to the cigarette hanging out of Juancho's mouth. Juancho tosses his cigarette out of his mouth to an area behind him. Another blaze starts immediately. Man drops his Wife to the floor. In the WIDE SHOT of Ted and the children, we see that the fireworks are bursting big and bright outside the window behind them. Almost as bright as the flames eating through the room. Man simply glares at Ted. Finally Man speaks... MAN Did they misbehave? Ted stares blankly at Man (the camera) as the sprinklers burst on... drenching the room as the picture FADES TO BLACK FOUR ROOMS FADE UP ON INT. HOTEL LOBBY--NIGHT SUPER: ONE MINUTE AFTER ROBERT'S STORY. TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE DAWN. The elevator rides down to the lobby. The doors open and a wet, disheveled, and frantic Ted steps out. He staggers across the lobby to the reception desk. He grabs the phone. INT. BETTY'S APT--ALMOST DAWN The wild New Year's Eve party is winding down. Some Guests are passed out, some are asleep, some are making out, two guys are playing Nintendo, a Girl watches them. The phone RINGS. The Girl, who wears a "Guinness Stout" T-shirt, answers the phone. GUINNESS GIRL Happy New Year! BACK TO TED: BACK AND FORTH TED Let me speak to Betty. GUINNESS GIRL Party's over, she probably went home. TED She lives there. GUINNESS GIRL Oh, well, I haven't seen 'em in a while. TED Do you even know who I'm talking about? GUINNESS GIRL Yeah... yeah... yeah... I know 'em, I know Eddy. TED Betty, not Eddy. GUINNESS GIRL Yeah... yeah... I know Betty too... Tall... TED No, not particularly. She's got curly red hair. GUINNESS GIRL No, no, no, no, no, I know, I know. Japanese girl. TED She's not Japanese! I just said she had red hair. GUINNESS GIRL Yeah... yeah... yeah... I know her. TED Well, then get her on the phone, it's an emergency. GUINNESS GIRL Who -- who should I say's calling? TED Tell 'em Teddy from work's on the phone, and it's a major fuckin' emergency. GUINNESS GIRL Gotcha, Betty from work. TED Not Betty from work, I'm calling Betty! I'm Teddy. Just say Ted. GUINNESS GIRL Hi, Ted, I'm Margaret. You sound down. Has this not been the happiest of New Year's? TED (resigning himself to talking with Margaret) No Margaret, this hasn't been my best New Year. This year's starting off pretty badly. MARGARET Awww, how come? TED Well, Betty -- the chick whose house you're at, even though you don't know her -- leaves me here all by myself on New Year's Eve. And first thing right off the bat, I'm fucked by a coven of witches. MARGARET An oven full of witches fucked you? Is that like at the circus when they stick all those clowns in an itty- bitty car? TED A coven. A coven of witches. Well, one witch in particular. MARGARET Was she an old hag with a mole, with hair growing out of it? TED No-no-no, she was... quite beautiful. Margaret thinks for a moment. MARGARET Ted? TED Yes. MARGARET What's the problem? TED Well, admittedly, that was the best part of the night. It was pretty fuckin' cool, actually. But it was still an unnerving way to start off the night. MARGARET Sounds to me like a pretty great way to start off the night. TED Okay, let's just skip over the witches. MARGARET -- Skipping over the witches. TED So, later, in another room, some crazy sucking maniac sticks a gun in my face and forces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wife. MARGARET He made you have psycho sex with his wife? TED No, he didn't make me fuck his wife, he thought I'd fucked his wife! He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun! MARGARET What kinda gun? TED I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It was big. MARGARET Like Dirty Harry's gun. TED Yeah, something like that. MARGARET Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel? TED What difference does it make? MARGARET Well, for one thing it's the difference between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357. TED Who cares if it was a .44 or a .392, it was a fuckin' loaded gun, pointed at my fuckin' head! Margaret takes this in. MARGARET You wanna skip over this part, too? TED I want you to get Betty on the phone! MARGARET Hold on. (yelling to the room) Anybody live here named... (to Ted) What's her name again? TED Betty. MARGARET Betty! The sleepy room stirs. Betty wakes up from the floor. BETTY Yeah, whatcha screamin' about? MARGARET You're Betty? BETTY Yeah, I'm Betty, it's my fuckin' place, who the fuck are you? MARGARET I'm Margaret (hands her the phone) And this is Ted. Betty takes the phone. BETTY Ted, what's the problem? TED What's the problem? I don't got a problem, I got fuckin' problems! Wanna hear? BETTY (yawning, wiping sleep from her eyes) Sure. TED Well, most recently, there's room 716. There's a scary Mexican gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. There's the putrid rotting corpse of a dead whore stuffed in the springs of a bed. There're rooms blazing afire... There's a needle from God knows where stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what, and finally, there's me walking out the fuckin' door right now! Buenas noches. A RINGING SOUND happens that we haven't heard before. Ted's head turns toward it. It's the guest board. And the top light, the penthouse, is ringing. It rings where all the others buzzed. Betty can hear it distinctly on her side of the line. The sound fully wakes her up. They start talking Howard Hawks style again. BETTY (suddenly alert) Is that the penthouse? TED Yeah. BETTY That's the Chester Rush party, they want something. TED Yeah, well, tough titty. They're just gonna have to wait, 'cause I'm out the door. BETTY (panicking) Now, Ted, wait a minute. I know you're freaked, I know you're stressed. You've had a real bad night -- TED Yes, Betty, I've had-a-real-bad-night -- BETTY -- You say there's a dead body in a room? TED Yes, I did. BETTY No problem, this is a hotel, we've had dead bodies before, it's just the price of doing business. You said the hotel was on fire. Is it still on fire? TED No, it's out. BETTY Good, sprinkler system worked like a charm. Now, you wanna leave, you've had enough. Perfectly understandable. I'll take care of everything else. The only thing I ask is that you take care of Chester Rush. Then you can leave. TED Now, look -- BETTY Ted, he's a very important guest of this hotel. In fact, he is the most important guest at the hotel. The Mon Signor used to be a haven for movie stars. Through the thirties and forties, and the first half of the fifties, more movie stars -- if you break it down on a night-by-night basis -- stayed at the Mon Signor than any other hotel in Hollywood. Now, we had some hard time in the eighties, even though we were the official hotel of Cannon Pictures, but we're coming back strong in the nineties. And a movie star clientele is important to that comeback. If we can keep stars of his magnitude happy, we're on our way. So, Ted, just take care of him, then you can leave. TED Look, I don't feel like -- BETTY He probably just wants some champagne! You can do that, can't you? Please just take care of him, the entire staff of the Mon Signor is begging you! Ted crumbles. TED Okay. But get your ass here pronto. BETTY You're a good man, Ted. Thanks. Ted hangs up the phone. And picks up the board phone. TED Hello, Mr. Rush. Sorry for the delay. How can I help you? FADE TO BLACK STORY TITLE CARD: THE PENTHOUSE "THE MAN FROM HOLLYWOOD" EXT. HALLWAY TO PENTHOUSE--NIGHT The elevator door opens and Ted wheels out his tray into the hallway. There's been a bit of an effort to make himself appear a bit less disheveled than in the last scene. He's only minorly successful in the attempt. His uniform still looks like shit, his hair looks tousled, and he walks with a limp. He wheels the cart up to the penthouse door and KNOCKS at the door. A woman opens the door, it's Angela from Alex's story. ANGELA Hi, Theodore. TED What the hell are you doing here? She holds up the drink she has in her hand. ANGELA Having a drink. TED Is that crazy husband of yours in there? ANGELA Are you kidding, he'll be asleep till Christmas. From behind her we hear: VOICE (O.S.) Entrez, entrez. Angela steps aside and Ted wheels in the tray. INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT The penthouse is huge, far and away the best suite in the house. And standing in the middle of the biggest room in the hotel is the hottest, newest comedy star to burst onto the Hollywood scene in nearly a decade: Chester Rush. At this moment in time, he's the king, and he has the swagger of a new king. After only one movie, he's pulled the sword out of the stone. And the look on his face says, "King's good." Surrounding him is his entourage. They all look like once upon a time this evening they were dressed sharp; however, at this late hour, everybody looks about as disheveled as Ted. One of the lads, Norman, has planted roots in a comfy chair with his leg thrown over the arm and a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand. The second guy, Leo, is in the back of the room pacing back and forth on the telephone. He is completely oblivious to the rest of the room's activity. In Chester's hand is an ever present glass of champagne, which he constantly spills as he gestures wildly. Around the room are the leftovers: pizza boxes, fast-food hamburgers, and empty bottles of Cristal Champagne. CHESTER (still sitting) Entrez, entrez, come in, come in. TED (wheeling in the tray) Hi, sorry I took so long, but I got everything you asked for -- CHESTER -- Not a problem, my friend Mr. Bellboy. ANGELA (closing the door) His name's Theodore. TED Actually, it's not Theodore, (he throws a look at Angela) It's Ted. Chester rises from the couch. CHESTER So, Ted the Bellboy, as I was saying -- would you care for some champagne? That's not what I was saying, but would you care for some champagne? TED No, thank you. CHESTER Ya sure? Cristal. It's the best. I never liked champagne before I had Cristal, now I love it. TED Okay, yeah, sure. As Chester goes and pours Ted a glass: CHESTER -- As I was saying, Ted, don't worry about being late. For our purposes, promptness is far behind thoroughness. On "thoroughness," he hands Ted the glass. CHESTER Chin-chin. They clink glasses and drink. CHESTER Whadya say, Ted? TED Thank you? CHESTER No, not thank you. Whadya say about the tasty beverage? TED It's good. CHESTER Fuckin' good, Ted. It's fuckin' good. Let's try it again, shall we? So, Ted, whadya think about the beverage. TED It's fuckin' good. CHESTER You bet your sweet bippy, Ted. It's fuckin' Cristal, everything else is piss. Norman in the chair starts yelling at Ted. NORMAN Bellboy! Bellboy! Bellboy! Ted knows he's being laughed at, but not why. CHESTER (to Norman) Knock it off, you're making my friend Ted here uneasy. (to Ted) Pay no attention to Norman here, Ted, he's just fuckin' wit' ya, that's all. That's from Quadrophenia. Now me, myself, when I think of bellboys I think of -- "bellboy" isn't an insult, is it? Is there another name for what you do that I'm ignorant of? Bellman, bellperson -- TED Bellboy's fine. CHESTER Good. I'm glad they haven't changed that. There's a friendliness to "bellboy." As I was saying, Ted, when Norman thinks of bellboys, he thinks of Quadrophenia. But me, when I think of bellboys, I think of The Bellboy, with Jerry Lewis. Didja ever see The Bellboy? TED No. CHESTER You should, it's one of Jerry's better movies. He never says a word through the entire film. A completely silent performance. How many actors can pull that off? And he has to go to France to get respect. That says it all about America right there. The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every paper in this fuckin' country gonna write articles calling the man a genius. It's not right. It's not right and it's not fair. But why should that surprise anybody? When has America ever been fair? We might be right every once in a while, but we're very rarely fair. TED Where do you want this? CHESTER You in a hurry, Ted? TED (he is, but doesn't want to rush the movie star) No, not particularly. CHESTER Good, then stop playing "Beat the Clock." Now let me introduce you to everybody. He puts his arm around Ted and leads him around the room. Angela crosses frame, drink in hand. CHESTER Our friend from downstairs you already seem to be acquainted with. As she snuggles up in a big comfy chair: ANGELA Oh, me and Theodore go way back. Don't we, Theodore? TED The name's Ted, Angela. I only let people with loaded guns at my head call me Theodore. CHESTER Angela's like you, Ted, a newfound friend. ANGELA We met at the pool. CHESTER (to Ted) Have you ever seen Angela in a one- piece? TED No. CHESTER Well, it's somethin' to see. (arm around Ted) The Man sitting in the chair, with the bottle of Jim Bean in his hand and the sense of humor, is Norman. Norman, say hello to Ted. NORMAN What's up? Norman shakes his hand. CHESTER The sociable son of a bitch on the telephone is Leo. And the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife Ellen. (to Leo) Leo, say hello to Ted. Leo breaks away from his phone conversation for two seconds. LEO Hi, Ted, glad you could make it. (back to phone) What? (pause) What does punctuality have to do with love? CHESTER Which brings me to me, Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meetcha. Chester shakes Ted's hand. TED I know. I'm sorry I haven't seen your movie. Chester stops. Ted wonders if he should have said that. Chester walks over to the table and pours himself some more champagne. When he talks now it's slower and somewhat distracted. The tone of the scene starts changing. CHESTER It's quite all right, Ted, nothing to feel sorry about. That's why God invented video. But you know, Ted, a lot of people did see it. Chester takes a drink of champagne, a disgusted look crosses his face, and he slowly puts it down. His manner gives the room a chill. When he talks, he addresses the room. CHESTER Who drank out of this bottle last? No answer. Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass. CHESTER Who drank out of this bottle -- not the other bottles -- this bottle last? NORMAN What's wrong, Chester? He spills the champagne from his glass onto the floor. CHESTER It's fuckin' flat, Norman, that's what's wrong. The champagne -- the fuckin' Cristal's fuckin' flat. Chester improvises a temper tantrum about the flat Cristal. Everyone looks at him, not knowing what to say. Even Leo walks over to witness. The whole room is uneasy and a little frightened. When Chester finishes his tantrum, he turns his attention back to Ted. As he talks to him, he opens up another bottle. But it's not the rapid-pace delivery Chester has done so far. It's more troubled and distracted. CHESTER I was saying, Ted, a lot of people did see it. And not just on video, either. Leo, what was the final take on domestic? Leo is still in the doorway making sure his boy's cool. LEO 72.1 million. (worried tone) You okay, champ? CHESTER (struggling with bottle) I'm cool, so talk to your wife. Leo turns his attention back to the phone and goes inside the room. CHESTER (to Ted) 72.1 million dollars. That's before video and before foreign, and before pay-TV and before free TV. We're talking fuckin' asses in fuckin' seats. (he pops the cork) Before all that other shit, The Wacky Detective made 72.1 million dollars. Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass. CHESTER And my new one, The Dog Catcher, it's projected to break a hundred. (he clinks Ted's glass with his) The Dog Catcher. TED The Dog Catcher. They both drink. The tantrum's over, and Chester's back to his fast-talking, good-natured self. CHESTER Now let's stroll over here and see what goodies you brought us. TED Do you mind me asking what's all this stuff for? CHESTER One thing at a time, Ted. I'm not a frog and you're not a bunny, so let's not jump ahead. C'mon, Norman, you should be interested in this. NORMAN Damn Skippy! (pause) Tell it. Ted produces the things they called for. TED A block of wood. Chester knocks on it. CHESTER Good. TED Three nails. NORMAN Why three nails? CHESTER That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted. Ted is completely bewildered. TED A roll of twine. CHESTER That's definitely a roll of twine. Continue. TED A bucket of ice. CHESTER (to Norman) You into it? NORMAN (to Chester) I'm into it. CHESTER (to Ted) Go on. TED A donut. Chester takes it and eats it. CHESTER That's for me. Continue. TED And a hatchet. CHESTER A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself is what I asked for. TED Well, you be the judge. Ted holds the hatchet out for Chester to take. Norman snatches it instead. NORMAN I'll be the judge. Norman touches the end of the blade with his thumb. CHESTER Whadya think? NORMAN That's a sharp motherfucker. Bring all this bullshit over to the bar. CHESTER You heard him, Ted. Ted is completely confused and starting to get a little scared, but he does what he's told. Leo slams down the phone. LEO Bitch! NORMAN You still married? LEO Maybe, maybe not, but I don't give a flyin' fuck either way. I've had it with that Machiavellian bitch! I'm too drunk to drive home. I'm sorry about that, I'm real sorry about that. I got drunk on New Year's Eve, cut my fuckin' head off... (noticing Ted at the bar) What's going on here? CHESTER We now return you to The Man from Rio, already in progress. LEO (surprised) Noooo, you're gonna do it? NORMAN Looks like. LEO You guys ain't bullshittin', you're gonna really go for it? Angela is still curled up. ANGELA After talkin' about it all night, they better. I wanna see a show. CHESTER When we do it, you'll have something to see. Leo walks up to Norman and throws his arm around him. LEO You are one radical dude. Ted doesn't know what anybody's talking about, which is just fine with him. He finishes laying out everything on the bar and says: TED Well, that's everything, so if you don't need me for anything else, I'll go back downstairs. CHESTER Not so fast, Ted. We ain't quite done yet. Why don't you take a seat at the bar, get comfortable, and have an open mind when we explain the festivities of the evening to you. TED Look, guys, you paid for the room. As long as you don't break up the furniture, you can do whatever the fuck you want. And me personally, I don't care if you break up the furniture. You don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned is your business. CHESTER Well, it's your business, Ted. 'Cause we want you to take part. TED Take part in what? LEO Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently is scarin' the shit outta him. ANGELA Look at the poor guy. Just spit it out. Little by little everybody has gathered around Ted. CHESTER First off, let me say that there's nothing homosexual about what we're going to ask you to do. There's nothing sexual at all about what we want. But I was thinkin' you might be thinkin' we want you to do some sex thing. Pee on us, suck us off, shit like that. Let me assure you nothing could be farther from what we want -- Angela interrupts: ANGELA Can I jump in here? CHESTER No, you can't jump in here, this is my story. ANGELA Theodore's been here fifteen minutes and you've talked about everything but. CHESTER Hey, if you don't like it, you can get the fuck out. Leo taps his champagne glass with a tiny spoon, shutting everybody up. LEO If it'll please the court, let me explain to Ted our intentions. NORMAN (yelling) I second the nomination! CHESTER (yelling) Move the nomination be closed! Chester takes the hatchet and brings it down on the bar like a hatchet. CHESTER (calmly) Leo, the floor is yours. LEO Thank you. (to Ted) Ted, did you ever watch the old "Alfred Hitchcock Show"? TED (totally bewildered at this point) Yeah. LEO Did you ever see the episode The Man from Rio, with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen? TED I don't think so. LEO Oh, you'd remember it all right. In the show, Peter Lorre makes a bet that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row. Now if Steve McQueen can light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, he wins Peter Lorre's new car. If he can't he loses his little finger. (pause) Norman and Chester just made the same bet. (pause) Norman's putting up his pinky against Chester's mint convertible, 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle that he can light his Zippo ten times in a row. Pause. Ted looks at all of them, taking in the information, before saying: TED You guys are drunk. CHESTER Well, that goes without saying, but that doesn't mean we don't know what we're doing. NORMAN I'll tell ya what I'm doin'. Norman lays an issue of Hot Classic Cars in front of Ted on the bar. On the cover is a picture of Chester smiling, standing next to a beautiful 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle. The headline reads: "Hollywood's Hottest New Star Next to America's Hottest Old Car." NORMAN I drive a motherfuckin' Honda my sister sold me. You hear what I'm sayin'? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic. (he holds up the magazine) You see this shit?! (reading the magazine) "Hollywood's hottest new star, next to America's hottest old car." (he hands Ted the magazine) Now you take a good look at that machine that this motherfucker over here is standing next to. That's a 1964 nigger-red, rag-top Chevy Corvelle. And I love that car more'n I love hips, lips, and fingertips. Cut to we sittin' here celebrating, gettin' high, drinkin' champagne -- CHESTER -- Cristal. When you're drinkin' anything else, you're drinking champagne. When you're drinkin' Cristal, you say you're drinkin' Cristal. NORMAN -- drinkin' Cristal. Watchin' TV. "Rockin' New Year's Eve." When all of a sudden we flip on Steve McQueen and Peter Lorre bein' fuckin' badass. And I look at this funny motherfucker over here, and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle." LEO And Chester replies... CHESTER "...Oh, really?" TED You guys wouldn't be doin' something this stupid unless you were drunk. Everybody breaks into a "here, here" murmur. NORMAN I think that pretty much goes without sayin'. We'd probably chicken out. But when you're fucked-up, you don't lie. You tell the fuckin' truth. And the fuckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo's gonna win me Chester's car. TED (to Chester) Why are you doing this? CHESTER Thrill of the bet. I'm the one with something to lose here. 'Cause I can pretty near guarantee that I love my car more'n Norman loves his pinky. TED (to Leo) How 'bout you guys, you're just gonna sit back and let your friends mutilate each other? LEO Why not? Life don't get much more exciting than this. I mean if Norman was puttin' his dick on the choppin' block, I'd step in, 'cause, ya know in the morning, we'd really regret that. But his pinky? Who gives a fuck? I mean theoretically, he could lose that choppin' onions tomorrow. Life still goes on. TED (to Angela) How 'bout you? ANGELA (to Ted) I don't care. CHESTER Which brings us to your part in this little wager. TED I don't have a part. CHESTER Now, Ted, my old granddaddy used ta say: "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less he's apt to look foolish in retrospect." Now there're some inherent obstacles in this undertaking. First of all, I'm not some sick fuck like Peter Lorre on that show, travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. We're all buddies, here. Nobody wants Norman to lose his finger. We just wanna chop it off. So if fate doesn't smile on ol' Norman, we'll put his finger on ice and rush 'im to a hospital, where in all likelihood be able to sew it back on. TED Hopefully. LEO Eighty percent. NORMAN Our side. CHESTER So Norman's protected. His interests have been looked after. My interests, on the other hand, have not. I am as emotionally attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger. I'm putting up a very expensive piece of machinery on this wager. Now, if I lose, I lose, I have no problem with that. I'm a big boy, I knew what I was doing. However, if I win, I wanna win. If Norman lights his lighter ten times in a row, he's gonna have no emotional problems about taking my car keys whatsoever. But if I win, it's not inconceivable that Leo or myself, at the last minute, might not be able to wield the ax. Which brings us full circle to you, Ted. Sober Ted. Clear-eyed Ted. We want you to be the diceman. Pause as they all look at him. Angela breaks it. ANGELA Helluva night, huh, Ted? TED I gotta get out of here. Ted abruptly gets up and makes a beeline for the door. Chester whips out a hundred-dollar bill and quickly calls to Ted from his position at the bar. CHESTER Ted, I got a hundred-dollar bill here with your name on it, whether you do what we ask or not, just to sit back down in the chair for one minute more. Ted spins in his direction. TED I'm not gonna cut off his finger! CHESTER Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but that has nothing to do with this hundred-dollar bill in my hand. You can tell us all to go fuck off and walk right out that door. But if you sit back down and wait sixty seconds before you do it, you'll be a hundred dollars richer. Ted just stands across the room, thinking. ANGELA Ted. Take the money. LEO Ted, you're gonna do whatever you want to do. We're just askin' you to indulge us for another minute more. And Chester's willin' to pay for it. Ted thinks. TED I'll take your money, and I'll sit back down. But a minute from now, I'm gonna walk out the door, and when I do, there'll be no hard feelings? CHESTER Well, I want you to have a bit more of an open mind than that, but, yeah, we'll either convince you or we won't. No hard feelings. Right, guys? Everybody agrees. Ted wearily sits back down. Chester positions himself in front of Ted at the bar. CHESTER Okay, Leo, you be the timekeeper. Let us know when one minute begins and when it ends. LEO You got it. (he checks his watch) Gentlemen, start your engines. Chester jumps up and down, loosening up. LEO Begin! Chester, who talks fast anyway, starts his pitch. It's Chester who now plays "Beat the Clock." CHESTER Okay, pay attention here, Ted, I ain't got much time. Now I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar. (he takes the hundred- dollar bill and lays it out on the bar) One pile, (pointing at the hundred-dollar bill) which is yours. And another pile, (Chester whips out a money roll fat enough to choke a horse to death) which could be yours. (he lays a matching hundred-dollar bill on the bar, starting a second pile) Now, what you have to be aware of is we're gonna do this bet, one way, (he lays another hundred on the end pile) or the other. (he lays another hundred on the pile) Whether it's you who holds the ax, (he lays another hundred on the pile) or the desk clerk downstairs, (he lays another hundred on the pile) or some bum we yank off the street. (he lays another hundred on the pile) NORMAN You can buy a lot of soup with that pile. CHESTER (to Norman) Shhhh, I'm the closer. (to the group) How much is on the bar already? I lost count. ANGELA Six hundred. CHESTER Six hundred. Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to six hundred? TED No. CHESTER (laying another bill on the pile) One minute less than it takes to count to seven hundred. You know, Ted, a person's life is made up of a zillion little experiences. (he lays another bill on the pile) Some, which have no meaning, are insignificant and you forget them. And some that stick with you for the rest of your natural life -- (he lays another bill on the pile) -- barring Alzheimer's of course. Now, what we're proposing is so unusual, so outside the norm, that I think it would be a pretty good guess that this will be one of those experiences that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this moment for the rest of your life, you gotta decide what that memory will be. (He lays down the last bill on the pile) So, are you gonna remember for the next forty years, give or take a decade, how you refused a thousand dollars for one second's worth of work, or how you made a thousand dollars for one second's worth of work? LEO Time! CHESTER Well, Ted, what's it gonna be? Ted looks at the pile, then looks up. We dolly into his face. FLASHBACK We see a quick MONTAGE of horrendous moments from all the other stories. INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT Back to Ted. TED Okay. The group cheers. TED But when it's over, no matter what happens, I get the money? CHESTER As long as you do your part, you can take the pile, walk out the door, and not say another word. TED Let's do it right now, before I change my mind. NORMAN Here, here. Everybody gets in their position by the bar. Norman lays his left hand on the block of wood with his pinky sticking out. In his right hand is his Zippo lighter, poised and ready to strike. Chester hands Ted the meat cleaver. Ted takes it, raises it up above Norman's finger, in position. CHESTER Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect! This is great! This is a moment in time none of us will ever forget. Everybody is crowded around the scene, on pins and needles. CHESTER Norman, you ready? NORMAN Ready! CHESTER Ted, you ready? TED Ready. CHESTER Okeydoke. Norman, begin. Norman looks hard at the Zippo in his hand. Ted, holding the cleaver, stares focused on Norman's pinky. Norman readies himself. Places his thumb on the wheel in the Zippo. Takes a breath. And strikes. It sparks, but doesn't light. Without missing a beat, Ted brings down the cleaver, slicing off Norman's pinky. Norman lets out a scream. Ted, in one move, lays down the cleaver, scoops up the money and walks out the door. INT. HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN CAMERA is positioned at far end of hallway, looking down it at the elevator at the other end. Ted walks out of the penthouse in the f.g. In a MEDIUM SHOT, he takes the thousand dollars in his hand, looks at it, smiles, and sticks it in his pocket. It might've been a bad night, but it's been a profitable one. He chuckles at the irony, and, whistling a happy tune, turns his back on the camera and walks down the hall to the elevator. All the while we hear PANDEMONIUM breaking out behind the door. As Ted walks to the elevator, the CREDITS ROLL. He waits for the elevator, it arrives, he gets in, the doors close. As CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL, we hold for about two beats... then... The door BURSTS open and everybody comes piling out. Everybody's screaming, yelling different things to one another. Norman has a bloody towel wrapped around his hand, he's screaming and crying. NORMAN My finger, my fucking finger!! Chester has the bucket of ice with the finger in it. Leo's trying to direct everything. Everybody's in frantic activity, except for Angela, who stands back, drinks her drink, and watches the show. They all run down the hall, toward the elevator. Somebody trips and they all hit the ground. The bucket of ice with the finger goes spilling. They run around like crazy, looking for the finger and picking up ice cubes. Norman lies on the floor and screams. They pick it all up, get to the elevator, and push the button. When it arrives, they all dive in except for Angela. ANGELA You know, I'm gonna call it a night and go back to my room. It's been fun. The doors close on the screaming maniacs. Angela walks through a door marked "Stairway." INT. 4TH FLOOR HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN MEDIUM STAIRWAY DOOR CREDIT ROLL continues Angela comes through the door; we STEADICAM in front of her as she walks the halls, looking for her room. She finds it... WE STOP CREDITS FOUR ROOMS Angela sticks her key in the door, then stops when she sees something approaching. The look on her face combines strange awe and mild shock. Almost floating ethereally, a mysterious Blond Bombshell, wearing Diana's see-through negligee and slippers, armed with Elspeth's sword slung over her shoulder, wanders toward her. She is in a daze, perhaps lost or drunk. ANGELA You okay, lady? The bombshell looks up at her dizzily. ANGELA I said -- you looking for someone? DIANA (disoriented) Uhhh... yes... my husband... I think. Have you seen him? Angela and the girl have a strange moment as they connect through the eyes. Having had enough emotional intensity tonight, Angela breaks their eye contact. ANGELA Lady, I haven't seen anybody. Diana quietly says, "Ohhh," as she drifts on down the hall in a daze. Angela puts her hand to her temples before opening her hotel door. She does a double-take on the hallway -- empty. She pauses a beat, then walks into her room. After the door closes, we hear Sigfried on the other side. SIGFRIED Where the hell have you been? CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL THE END

FREAKED Written by Tim Burns, Tom Stern & Alex Winter SEVENTH DRAFT January 12, 1992 INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET A horribly deformed figure--hunchback, misshapen head--sits on a stool in complete silhouette. This is RICK COOGAN. RICK Can you imagine it, Regis, Kathie Lee? One day I'm a hot young movie star, and the next day I'm a hideous mutant freak, covered with festering lesions. Oddly, REGIS and KATHIE LEE are also in complete silhouette. REGIS Sounds like my wife when she misses a mudpack! The audience CRACKS UP. Kathie Lee pooh-poohs Regis. KATHIE LEE Oh Regis! You're incorrigible! Ha- ha! (to Rick, she turns EARNEST) Ricky, once you were the all- American boy next door, star of the beloved Hey Dude films. Now the very mention of your name makes children scream in terror. We've all read about your disturbing story. But the people want to hear it from you, Ricky Coogan. (SFX: children scream) Won't you tell us your story? RICK Well, it's kinda long, but okay. It all started when I signed a deal to be spokesman for the E.E.S. conglomerate... DISSOLVE TO: INT. E.E.S. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The E.E.S. logo--a large metal shoe with a bar across it, with the words "Everything Except Shoes" beneath. Widen to reveal RICHARD HERTZ, president of E.E.S., smiling rigidly to camera. RICK COOGAN is next to him, also holding a stiff movie-star smile. FLASH! They shake hands as the EES photographer takes publicity shots. Off to one side, behind Hertz, are several EES EXECUTIVES. Behind Rick is his entourage: LAWYER, BODYGUARD, TRAINER, STYLIST, and SPIRIT GUIDE. 2. Further off, at the boardroom table, four DODDERING OLD CORPORATE FARTS on the brink of death look on with glazed expressions. RICK (through a clenched smile) So, what kind of crap do you scumbags want me to peddle? HERTZ Everything. Everything except shoes, of course. Hah hah... He laughs pathetically. Rick doesn't respond. Hertz nods to a nearby EXECUTIVE who hands him some BEEF STICKS. HERTZ Meaty Twig Beef Sticks. Rick takes them and holds them up to the camera. Smiles. Flash. HERTZ Helmet Head hair spray. He takes the hair spray and holds it up. Smile. Flash. The assistant carefully hands Hertz a pulsating metal container with lots of warnings and danger symbols on it. Hertz gives it to Rick. HERTZ Noxon 24 biogenetic neuro- fertilizer. Rick holds it up, then pushes it away in disgust. RICK Fertilizer? Ricky Coogan does not do ads for hi-tech cow shit. I'm a star, got it, Hertz? (to his aide) Rico, give these misguided clowns Tony Danza's phone number, and let's get the hell out of here. He gives the finger to the EES photographer, who obligingly takes a picture. Hertz waves at him to get lost, and calls after Rick who's headed to the door with his entourage. HERTZ Rick. Wait! Only you can stand up to the radicals trying to keep Noxon from the struggling farmers whose very future depends on it. 3. RICK (HESITATES) Noxon? Wasn't that just banned? HERTZ Only in the U.S....and Europe. RICK But I heard that shit's lethal. Hertz lets out a big laugh. He shakes his head at Rick. HERTZ Rick, Rick, Rick... You want proof? Fine. Just take a seat. Please. Rick nods to his entourage. They sit at the boardroom table, across from the EES execs. An easel behind Hertz shows a placard with a bar graph. Hertz whispers something to an aide, who scurries off. HERTZ (TO RICK) Meet the head of our South American research facility, Juan Valdez. The aide ushers in a handsome LATIN AMERICAN EXECUTIVE in a natty three-piece suit and a sombrero. GEORGE My name is George Ramirez. HERTZ Whatever. He's worked with Noxon 24 every day for five years, and he's in fine shape. Aren't you, Juan? George glares at Hertz bitterly. Hertz stares him down. GEORGE Yes. I am fine. Me and my team in Santa Flan have-- RICK Santa "Flan?" What kind of shitty name for a country is that? GEORGE It is named for the patron saint of creamy desserts... As I was saying, we've worked very closely with Noxon... 4. Rick nods. We cut back to George, but he isn't George anymore. He has mutated into a similar looking actor, in the same suit, the same sombrero, but shorter and swarthier. GEORGE (CONT'D) I personally supervised its development... Rick furrows his brow. He's a little suspicious of George's transformation, but just a little. Now George is even shorter, even swarthier. Yet another actor. GEORGE (CONT'D) I performed rigorous scientific tests. No potential danger was left uninvestigated... Rick's suspicion is increasing. He looks over to Hertz, who feigns total innocence. George is now even shorter. Still another actor. His clothes are baggy, and the sombrero is starting to slide down over his face. GEORGE (CONT'D) The environmentalists are crackpots, all of them. Rick looks at his entourage. Their mouths hang open in astonishment. George has now shrunk to near-midget proportions. The sombrero completely covers his head. When he takes it off, we see he's now played by LINDA HUNT! GEORGE It's ridiculous, I tell you. Totally ridiculous! Rick is ready to ask questions, but Hertz cuts him off. HERTZ Thank you, Valdez. That will be all. George nods and heads back to his seat. As he passes behind Hertz, he can't resist sticking his thumbs in his ears and making a face. RICK Wait a second-- 5. HERTZ Ricky, this is important. We're talking about a major threat to the EES image. How does 2 million dollars plus expenses sound? The aide reveals a new placard on the easel. It reads "$2 MILLION." RICK Look, it sounds great, but-- HERTZ I hear you. Make it five million-- (a new placard: 5 MILLION) that is, if the board agrees ... Hertz reaches beside his chair and pulls a lever. The old geezers beside him raise their arms stiffly, as if they were being pulled by strands of fishing line, which they are. HERTZ Good, it's unanimous. Well, what do you say, Ricky? Are you EES's "Man in Santa Flan?" Rick looks at his advisors--they look over at Linda Hunt, then emphatically shake their heads "NO." Rick looks at Hertz, who shows him five big fingers and grins. Rick breaks into a big smile and gives Hertz his trademark thumbs up sign. CUT TO: INT. L.A. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECK Rick stands in line at the luggage X-ray machine. He impatiently checks his watch as the X-RAY CHECKER chats him up. A CRAZED ANARCHIST holding a large bomb passes through the security check unquestioned. X-RAY CHECKER My kids just loved you in "Hey Dude Three: The Final Countdown." We need more wholesome role models like you. RICK Uh-huh. (TO HIMSELF) Where the fuck is Ernie? 6. We hear WOMEN'S SCREAMS. They turn towards the noise and see a bunch of STEWARDESSES scattering from a trendy young cad with a fake hand sticking out of his fly. This is ERNIE, Rick's buddy and resident court jester. ERNIE Ladies! All I wanted was a manicure! Yah-ha-ha! (he sees Rick) IT'S THE COOG! RICK IT'S THE ERNIE! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Rick pumps Ernie's third "hand." The miffed X-ray checker points to Rick's large carry-on bag as it emerges from the X- ray machine. X-RAY CHECKER (TO RICK) Mister Coogan, is this your bag? RICK Yeah, why? X-RAY CHECKER Is this your kid? He indicates the X-ray monitor, where we see the skeleton outline of a BUCKTOOTHED, BESPECTACLED 10 YEAR OLD KID curled up in Rick's bag. The kid waves. Rick and Ernie look at each other in horror. RICK/ERNIE Stuey Gluck! The bag bursts open, and out pops STUEY GLUCK, an obsessive young autograph hound toting a stack of scrapbooks and memorabilia. STUEY Rick! Rick! Look! I got a rare still from your high school production of The Glass Menagerie! Could you sign it for me? Please?! RICK NO! (TO ERNIE) Let's get the hell out of here! 7. Ernie nods and yanks the bag away from under Stuey. They run away down the corridor. Stuey chases them, holding up an 8 by 10 photo. STUEY Rick! Wait up! FURTHER DOWN THE CORRIDOR Rick and Ernie run around a corner with Stuey in pursuit. STUEY Rick! Remember the speech you gave at the Actors Forum for Social Justice!? He holds up a cassette player and hits play. It's Rick's old speech. RICK'S VOICE (FROM TAPE) If all the world is a stage, then let us shine the spotlight on truth, integrity, and a deep compassion for all life. RICK Leave me alone, troll! (TO ERNIE) That was before I got an entertainment lawyer. ERNIE Quick, down here. Ernie leads Rick down an adjacent hallway. IN THE HALLWAY It's a dead end. Rick and Ernie are trapped. Ernie gives Rick a sheepish look. Stuey stands at the entrance of the hallway. He holds up a Time magazine. STUEY Rick! Rick! It says here Noxon's dangerous. Why are you lending your name to it? What's happened to you, Rick? You used to be good! And now... I just don't know... Stuey starts to cry. Rick looks guilty. RICK Don't cry, Stuey, I'm still good. 8. BAM! A passing electric baggage cart nails Stuey at full speed and carries him off down the corridor, screaming bloody murder. RICK ALRIGHT! Rick and Ernie high five. CUT TO: INT. FIRST CLASS CABIN - DAY A SEXY STEWARDESS pours champagne for Rick and Ernie. The anarchist sits nearby with the bomb on his lap. Rick winks suggestively at the stewardess. She walks off, obviously not interested. Rick raises his glass to Ernie, oozing sleazy confidence. RICK In the bag. The plane hits turbulence, and Rick's drink flies up out of his glass--he catches it as it comes down. Another STEWARDESS helps the Anarchist put his bomb in the overhead compartment. Ernie ogles her. She sneers at him. We hear the CAPTAIN'S voice on the loudspeaker. CAPTAIN (V.0.) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. To the right of the aircraft, you can see a great view of the Grand Canyon. All the passengers crane their necks to the right. CAPTAIN (V.0.) And to the left you can see a panic- stricken little troll. Rick turns to his window and flings open the shade to reveal... STUEY on the wing, pressing his face up against the glass. He's holding up a publicity shot of Rick and screaming something we can't hear. RICK AHHHHHHH! Stuey loses his grip and is whisked off the wing. Rick watches him fall into oblivion. 9. Relieved, he turns nonchalantly to Ernie, ignoring the other horrified passengers. RICK You gonna eat your peanuts, Ernie? ERNIE Nah, you can have 'em. CUT TO: EXT. FARM DAY A large haystack sits in the middle of a field. We hear Stuey's approaching scream. STUEY (O.S.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... THUD! Stuey misses the haystack by a few feet. He hops to his feet and dusts himself off. STUEY Hey, I'm okay! BONK! His scrapbook falls into frame and beans him. STUEY OW! CUT TO: EXT. SANTA FLAN AIRPORT - DAY We see the airliner lowering its landing gear as it makes its final approach to the runway. RICK (VO) Here we are Ernie, Santa Spam. World famous for loud music and hot sex! ERNIE (VO) It is? RICK (VO) Give me a few hours. KA-BLOOEY! The plane explodes in a fireball. Swish-pan to reveal... RICK AND ERNIE 10. Standing just outside the airport. A porter follows with their bags. RICK Sure glad that wasn't our plane. Ernie nods. They're distracted by the sound of chanting. They squint into the distance, where they see a group of chanting PROTESTERS--young "Save the Earth" types, latter-day hippies, kids, seniors, etc. PROTESTERS EES mustn't stay! Take your toxic crap away! EES mustn't stay! (etc.) Some of their signs read--"Say No to Noxon!", "Coogan Go Home", "EES is killing our Earth!", "Ricky Coogan Sucks Shit" (this one held by a nice LITTLE GIRL), "I Like Ike" (held by a confused OLD MAN, shuffling around aimlessly), "Drink Pepsi" and finally... "Free Nelson Mandela"--we WIDEN to reveal the subheading: "Inside specially marked boxes." We keep WIDENING to reveal that this is not on a protest placard, but a box of cereal some GUY is eating as he watches the protest. ERNIE Jesus! We better find the limo before these whale kissers chop us up and sell us for parts. (he spots the limo) There it is. Off to the side, away from the protesters, an unmarked limo with tinted windows (and plates that say NOT EES) awaits. KEVIN, an EES exec, leans out the window and waves discreetly at Ricky. The stewardesses, looking tipsy, wave their bras out the back window invitingly. Ernie tries to grab Ricky by the arm, but he resists. He's looking at the protesters. RICK Wait a second... His POV... A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN standing in the center of the crowd of protesters, holding a MEGAPHONE to her mouth and chanting. She puts down the megaphone to rest, and we can see that she's powerfully beautiful, in a no-nonsense feminist kind of way. This is JULIE. Rick is smitten. 11. ERNIE Let's go, Rick. They're waitin'. RICK Forget them. I got a better idea. If I can just find the right disguise... ERNIE Coog, those hippies'll tear us apart. Rick spots a HEAVILY BANDAGED MAN limping out of the airport on crutches. Rick approaches him, waving a roll of bills. RICK Hey, how'd you like to make a quick hundred bucks? The man mutters something weakly. Ernie puts his ear up close to hear him better. ERNIE He says the pants don't usually come off for less than two-fifty, but since you're so cute, he'll make an exception. FLIP TO: RICK buried beneath rolls and rolls of bandages, making his way through the protesters on crutches. Ernie helps him along, nervously. As Rick spots Julie from behind, he hands the crutches over to Ernie. RICK Here. Ernie takes the crutches. Rick waves his arms dramatically, clutches his bandaged legs, and winces in pain. RICK Help! Ow! Give me back my crutches! You monster! Oh, the pain! The agony! He falls theatrically at Julie's feet. JULIE Are you okay? Let me help you! 12. RICK Thanks. Don't worry about me. What's one man's pain weighed against the global injustice of corporate tyrants like EES? Go. The fight must continue. Julie's buying it big time. She gazes deep into Rick's eyes. JULIE Wow... My name's Julie. RICK Josh. Josh Tavner. Ernie sticks a hand out, grinning sarcastically. ERNIE Mother Theresa. Glad to meet you. Julie turns on Ernie viciously. She slaps him hard, and grabs the crutches from him. ERNIE Ow! Hey! JULIE Give me those, ape. Help him up. Rick rises to his feet "painfully." JULIE Hey Josh, a busload of us are headed over to Maracas to protest Noxon 24 and pelt Ricky Coogan with cow shit. RICK Same here! You could ride with us. JULIE Us? You're with him? She looks at Ernie, who grins stupidly. RICK Oh, he's okay. Have you ever heard of an idiot savant? JULIE Sure. RICK That's Ernie. Except for the savant part. 13. Ernie glares at Rick. Rick smiles at Julie hopefully. Julie looks at them both, and can't help smiling herself. CUT TO: INT. CAR - DAY Ernie drives the battered old convertible which bears the proud logo of Santa Flan Rent-a-Car. There's a Pepsi billboard in the background. Julie massages Rick in the back seat. RICK (faking terrible pain) Ooooh, my pelvis. JULIE (SYMPATHETIC) Is this better? ERNIE'S POV IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR Rick moans and cracks a huge grin through his bandages. Ernie tries to get in on the conversation. ERNIE Hey Julie. You know I'm kind of an idea man myself. Like, let's say there's a nuclear war, and the only two people left are you and the Pope... Would you pork him? Disgusted, Julie smacks Ernie sharply and continues massaging Rick. Scowling with jealousy, Ernie tries a new approach. ERNIE But one thing's for sure. That Coogan guy sure is an asshole, huh? JULIE I'll say! What a total piece of shit. Don't you think so, Josh? Rick grits his teeth. RICK (MUMBLES NONCOMMITTALLY) Well, he's got a few problems. JULIE And what a lousy actor! I mean can you believe that "Hey Dude" crap? 14. RICK Well, with a script that bad, Coogan deserves an Oscar for coming off as good as he did! (CATCHES HIMSELF) I mean, that's what I read. JULIE Well, he's no Christian Slater. RICK (EXPLODES) SLATER!? I could act circles around that one-note hack! He was shittin' his diapers when I was the toast of Broadway! I made grown men cry! I made crippled children laugh! Now all I ever hear is Slater! Slater! Slater! WELL SLATER CAN KISS MY ASS! YOU HEAR ME? Enraged, Rick rips the bandages off his face. RICK You think Slater could improv like this? Make you believe he was an invalid!? Huh!? Julie stares at him in shock. Rick catches his breath, realizes what he's just done, and smiles weakly. Ernie tries to break the awkward silence. ERNIE (TO JULIE) So, do you like Swedish films? Julie gives him a murderous look. FADE TO BLACK. FADE UP ON: EXT. DIRT HIGHWAY - LATER High wide shot: The car is descending deeper into the wild jungle, towards a huge eerie sunset. IN THE CAR Julie's been lecturing Rick for some time now. JULIE You don't even want to hear the truth about Noxon, do you, Coogan? (MORE) 15. JULIE(CONT'D) I mean, look, I'm not saying this stuff is going to turn anyone into a... a... RICK'S POV on the road behind Julie he sees a crude carnival billboard featuring a painting of a huge worm with a man's head. It reads "See the Incredabel Humin Werm! Only at Elijah C. Skuggs Famus Freek Land." Julie can't see it. RICK (DISTRACTED) Human worm... JULIE Right. A human worm. I mean, that's just stupid. The point is-- Rick sees another billboard for the freak show. This one features a half-man/half-dog creature and says "See the Aztownding Dawg Boy!" RICK Dog boy... JULIE Yeah, or a dog boy. That's absurd. BUT-- Another billboard. This one features the "Hidyous Frawg Man." RICK Hideous frog man. JULIE Okay, okay. Now you're just being silly. Human suffering's just a big joke to you, huh? You are sick, Coogan! She turns away from him in a huff and looks out her window. She sees a billboard that reads "See The Hole Amazing Famly of Freekz at Elijah C. Skuggs Famus Freek Land and Mutent Emporeum!" JULIE Cool! A freak show! Let's check it out! RICK Kind of like a family reunion for you, huh? 16. ERNIE Lighten up, Coog, could be a goof. EXT. JUNGLE ROADWAY The car turns into a driveway near a crude, hand painted sign that says "FreekzTM--Thiss waey" with a messy arrow... We ZOOM IN to the hand painted "small print" on the bottom of the sign, which reads--"Freekz is a registered trademark of Elijah C. Skuggs Enterprises. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited without prior written consent." CUT TO: EXT. FREEKZ COMPOUND The car stops at the end of the long, spooky driveway, just past a sizzling electric fence. Rick, Julie, and Ernie get out and look around. It's eerily quiet. There is a large dilapidated mining shed complete with rusted ducts and a tall smoke stack, a tattered carnival tent with an ornate stage flat facade, a lopsided outhouse, a creepy broken-down farm house, and in the center of it all, a giant molded carnival head with big staring eyes, which slowly rotates on a creaky base. Ernie looks hard at the big eyes. He turns away for a second, then spins around again. The EYES are looking in a different direction. Ernie shakes his head and unwraps a chocolate bar. JULIE Isn't it great? It's so "real"... RICK Real stupid. (TO ERNIE) Let's go. This place is dead. ERNIE Yeah. Where are all the weirdos? VOICE (O.S.) There are no weirdos here. Startled, they turn to see ELIJAH C. SKUGGS, a twisted, haggard old man. He takes a bite out of an ice cream cone which contains the rear half of a chipmunk with a maraschino cherry on top. Elijah has bad teeth, a bad shave, and scary eyes. We now realize the giant head is molded in his image. 17. ELIJAH Mutants, yes. Genetic nightmares, definitely. Children of Hell and twisted masses of living, breathing tormented flesh, certainly. But as for weirdos... not a one. Unless of course you count me! Ha ha ha! RICK Nah, you seem like a regular dumbshit old redneck to me. Elijah ignores him. Julie shoots him a look and smiles at Elijah. JULIE I'm Julie. And you are... ELIJAH Elijah C. Skuggs, proud proprietor of Skugg's Fabulous Freak Land and Mutant Emporium. But you knew that. After all, you've ventured miles away from civilization, hospitals, telephones, (TO RICK) police... How may I help-you? RICK Drop dead. Elijah smiles, unfazed. Julie glares at Rick. She smiles apologetically at Elijah. JULIE We'd like to see your freak show. You see, only by appreciating the variety and innovation of nature can we come to respect the fragile complexity of our global eco- system. Elijah nudges Ernie. ELIJAH And you come to me looking for weirdos? Ernie shrugs. He goes to take a bite out of his chocolate bar and finds only the empty wrapper left in his hand. ERNIE Hey! What the-- He looks behind him, and there--about ten feet away--is... 18. A HULKING BALD MAN warts all over, squatting on the ground and chewing happily. This is TOAD. Julie and Rick turn and see him. JULIE (REPULSED) Eeuuuwww... (composes herself and WAVES) Ahem. Hello. Toad doesn't respond to her waves. ELIJAH Mr. Toad is my... assistant. As for the show, I'm afraid the next parade of deformity isn't until tomorrow night... Rick and Ernie pretend to be disappointed. They turn to leave. Julie's sincerely upset. JULIE Oh, just our luck... Elijah grabs Rick's shoulder and turns him around. ELIJAH However! I do have a private exhibit in my shed you might enjoy. I don't usually share it with the general public... RICK We're deeply honored. But no thanks. ERNIE Yeah. We really must be-- He raises his cigarette to his lips, but it's gone! He turns to see Toad, ten feet behind him, puffing away happily. Hmmm. Elijah is already leading Julie towards the shed. JULIE The sideshow tradition has been misrepresented by the media. You don't traffic in human misery. You show society the part of itself it doesn't want to look at. 19. ELIJAH Yes... Yesm I see... He looks over to Rick and Ernie with a grin that says "Where'd you find this nutty chick?" Rick shrugs and follows, taking Ernie with him. ERNIE What the heck. We'll see some pickled dog brains, maybe some pictures of women with, you know, added equipment. RICK And to think we could be in the limo with those stewardesses. Elijah holds the shed door open for them. It's pitch black inside. Julie enters. Rick and Ernie follow. ERNIE What the hell, Coog, these people are weird, but they seem nice enough. A CUTE BUNNY sits outside the shed. THWAP! Toad lashes out with his ten foot tongue, and sucks the bunny into his mouth. He shuffles into the shed, crunching contentedly. Elijah closes the shed doors in our face, grinning. we hear a lonq peal of EVIL LAUGHTER from inside. ELIJAH AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HE-HE-HE! HA- HAHA! HE-HO-HE-HE-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA- HEHA! YAH-HA-HA-HA-HEE-HEE-HO-HA- HE-HE! INT. SHED It's dark and spooky. Elijah stands in a pool of light, reading a Family Circus cartoon in the funny pages. ELIJAH HA-HE-HE-HE! God I love the Family Circus! How do they do it day after day? It's amazing. He turns to... RICK, JULIE, AND.ERNIE 20. as Toad finishes strapping them onto massive Frankenstein- style operating tables. They struggle desperately against THE STRAPS RICK (TO ELIJAH) ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!? ELIJAH Well, I guess they do use the same joke over and over. I'm just a sucker for that little moffet's shenanigans, that's all. (he tosses the funnies ASIDE) But perhaps I should tell you a little more about what I do. You see, I not only exhibit freaks, I make them. Just like Michelangelo saw the angel in the stone, I look at a guy like Kevin Costner and see a giant peach grub who can fart the Blue Danube! (mops brow, asks OFFHANDEDLY) Am I crazy or is it hot in here? Rick, Julie, and Ernie shoot him a look that pretty well answers his question. Elijah shrugs and goes back to his spiel. ELIJAH Behold! The Tasty Freekz machine! He pulls a tarp off a huge complicated machine. Several drums and vats of various chemicals feed through a crude network of pipes, gadgets and computers into an old Tasty Freeze soft serve ice cream machine (The logo has been changed to "Tasty Freekz"). The biggest vat reads "NOXON 24." JULIE My God! He's using Noxon Twenty- Four! RICK Hey! You're not supposed to have that stuff! ELIJAH Oh? Well, I guess I'm not supposed to have these either! 21. He holds up a matching towel and washcloth embroidered with the "Ramada Inn" logo. Rick, Julie, and Ernie gasp. He tosses the towels. As Elijah gets worked up into a frenzy, the ambience in the room becomes more and more horrific: the sunlight is replaced by an eerie green glow, a thunderstorm rumbles to life, a raven perches on the windowsill, a rat scurries across the floor, one of those plastic "Bony Banks" reaches out and grabs a quarter... ELIJAH I need only punch a few buttons on this magnificent device, and it gives me an easy-to-apply ointment that will mutate a perfect young body, bubble its skin, warp its bones and twist its guts into AN UNSPEAKABLY REPULSIVE, STOMACH- TURNING FREAK OF MY OWN DESIGN! Elijah's hair is now standing on end. He's foaming at the mouth. A bolt of lightning and THUNDERCLAP cap the monologue. JULIE Wait a minute. Does this mean we're not going to see a show? ELIJAH (IGNORES HER) Toad, fire up that machine, and let's turn these hapless asswipes into monstrosities! RICK, JULIE, ERNIE (TOGETHER) AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ELIJAH Now let's see. Who wants to get freaked first? ERNIE (points at Julie) Ladies first! JULIE Go screw yourself! ERNIE If I were you, I would! ELIJAH Hmmmm. 22. Toad is adjusting some knobs on the machine. Elijah steps past him to a jerry-rigged computer console. He punches some keys and some rotating DNA models appear on the monitor. ELIJAH (mumbling to himself) It's like Yin and Yang... AC/DC... two birds with one stone... Yeah, it's pretty darn good, really... He presses "enter" and the computer beeps. He smiles. ELIJAH Let 'er rip, Toad! Toad yanks a pull-start cord and the machine rumbles to life. Elijah pulls the Tasty Freekz lever and fills a small dish with phosphorescent ointment. Toad cuts open their clothes, exposing their sides, and pushes them close together. ERNIE Wait a second. You're really gonna smear that stuff on us and mutate our body parts!? ELIJAH Correct. ERNIE Well... then could you give me a really big rodney? ELIJAH I'm a mad scientist pal, not a miracle worker. Elijah smears the ointment on their exposed sides. Their skin begins to bubble and undulate. JULIE/ERNIE Oh God!... No!... Holy shit! (ETC) A grapefruit-sized lump pops up on Ernie's side, then another on Julie's side, and then the lumps do a little synchronized dance together. Suddenly Ernie's flesh balloons out and melds into Julie's side. The mass of connected skin continues to bubble and mutate. Odd shapes press up under THE SKIN: Four humans faces that quickly become Mount Rushmore... The Pepsi logo--"Pepsi: The Choice of a New Generation"... Julie and Ernie merge into one amorphous flesh blob which then takes the form of... 23. Demon versions of GUMBY and his magic horse POKEY. Gumby's got his back to camera. He's grabbing his crotch and flipping everyone off. ELIJAH Gumby! Put that thing away! Gumby and Pokey mutate back into a blob and then into... JULIE/ERNIE joined side to side, their two heads on a single body which is split down the middle--half Julie, half Ernie. Elijah wheels a large mirror in front of them. ELIJAH Feast your eyes! JULIE NOOOOO! ERNIE Well, at least I'll never have to go far for a piece of tail. JULIE Pig! She SMACKS him. ERNIE Ouch! I was just trying to keep things light. Oh God! Why me!? He starts blubbering uncontrollably. Toad drags them towards the door. JULIE Mother always said there'd be days like this. And I thought she was nuts! They exit. Elijah turns to Rick. ELIJAH (gestures to Julie/Ernie) A mere party trick. But you, you're gonna be special. Elijah steps over to the computer console and starts punching keys. RICK (GETS TOUGH) Let me go, Skuggs, or else! (MORE) 24. I got some RICK(cont'd) friends that'll come down here and mess you up bad, homey! (Elijah chuckles. Rick tries a different APPROACH) I got some other friends who can score you box seats at the Superbowl, no problem. (ANOTHER FAILURE) YOU EVER HAD YOUR BALLS CUT OFF, YOU FUCKIN' APE?! (switches gears again) You ever had a hot fudge bath with Morgana? [foreign take: Madonna] ELIJAH (LOOKS UP--INTERESTED) You know her? Rick nods hopefully. Elijah considers it for a moment, then frowns. ELIJAH Ah, screw it. I'd never get anywhere with her. TOAD! FIRE UP THAT INFERNAL YOGURT MACHINE! Toad starts the machine. Elijah pulls the lever and dispenses a bowl full of glowing ointment. He carries it towards Rick, leering maniacally. ELIJAH For years I've strived to create the ultimate monster. The first of a whole new generation of superfreaks! Now I've finally got you, the perfect subject--a real asshole! HA-HA- (he pauses and looks closer at Rick) Wait a minute. Aren't you the guy from "Hey Dude Three-The Beguiling?" RICK Yeah, that's me! ELIJAH You were great in that picture! Oh well, I guess for the next one they'll have to get Christian Slater! HA-HA-HA! 25. Elijah squishes the ointment into Rick's horrified face. CUT TO: EXT. THE LAB - NIGHT The barn looks especially sinister silhouetted against a big green moon. A huge ball of flame belches out of the smoke stack. RICK (O.S.) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGG! DISSOLVE TO: EXT. THE LAB - MORNING It's eerily quiet in the dawn light. INT. LAB Extreme close-up of Rick's eye as it opens, and searches the room frantically. Close-up of Rick's hand--a normal hand-- straining at the bonds. RICK's POV groggily searches the lab, and picks up the blurred image of Elijah in the distance. He's on the phone, speaking in hushed tones. ELIJAH This is Red Swan. May I speak to the Laughing Man?... Yes, I'll hold. For a moment, Elijah is entertained by hold music to the tune of "Freak Out," by Chic. A man's laughing voice comes on the other end of the line. It laughs throughout the "conversation". ELIJAH Laughing Man? Red Swan. I've done it! I found the perfect subject-- huge ego, shallow personality, almost no moral values... A lawyer? No, better. An actor. Yeah, the guy from those hilarious "Hey Dude" movies! Hahahaha-- Laughing man has stopped laughing. Elijah dummies up. 26. ELIJAH (SHEEPISHLY) Well, I liked 'em. Laughing man resumes laughing. Elijah listens intently. ELIJAH (CONT'D) Right... Yes... Yes, I see... But that's just it. He's not quite, uh, finished. I need more Noxon so I can-- Laughing Man laughs so loudly Elijah has to hold the phone away. ELIJAH (ASIDE) Geez, what a grouch. Over on the slab, Rick groans. He's waking up. Elijah notices. ELIJAH (to Laughing man) Laughing Man? I have to go. What about the Noxon? Two days? Great, you can see everything then... Yeah, you take it easy too. Elijah hangs up the phone, and strides over towards Rick. ELIJAH Wakey, wakey. Time to meet and greet the new you. RICK Huh? He flips the slab right-side up, and holds up a mirror. Rick's eyes widen in terror as he beholds his hideous new form. Rick's left half has been transformed into a hideous, bug-eyed monster! RICK AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! CUT TO: EXT. LAB - MORNING BANG! The doors fly open. Elijah drags Rick out. Horrified, Rick clutches the monster side of his face. 27. RICK Oh God! This was my good side! ELIJAH Still is if you ask me! Hell, even half-done, you'll be the star of the show tonight. Elijah stops in front of the tiny outhouse. ELIJAH (CONT'D) Welcome to your spacious accommodations. He unlocks the door and drags Rick in. INT. OUTHOUSE Oddly, the interior is a vast barracks, fifty feet long and thirty feet high. Rick looks around. RICK (IMPRESSED) Great use of the space. ELIJAH I learned it all from Bob Vila. BOB VILA walks up next to Elijah. BOB You know you could expose those rustic beams and put in a skylight over one weekend, Elijah. ELIJAH Give it a rest, Bob! He pushes Bob away into the freak house, gives Rick a goodbye wink and walks out the door. EXT. OUTHOUSE Elijah pauses and looks at the tiny outhouse. ELIJAH One of these days I gotta put a shitter in there. Bob Vila steps out of nowhere again, holding a Time-Life book. 28. BOB No problem. It's all here in my Beds and Bathrooms book, Elijah. And you pay nothing for thirt-- BONK! Elijah knocks him out cold with a ball-peen hammer from his tool belt. INT. FREAK HOUSE It takes a few moments for Rick's eyes to adjust to the dim light. There's nobody in sight. The walls are lined with dark cubicles, stacked atop each other with walkways like prison cells. Rick staggers to his feet, and makes his way forward. RICK Ernie? Julie? ERNIE Over here, Coog. JULIE Are you alright? Rick sees the vague outline of JulieErnie a few yards away. RICK I know that voice. That's the voice that said, (MIMICS) "Cool, a freak show. Let's check it out!" JULIE What!? Oh sure, blame the woman. Typical. RICK (MIMICS) "It's so real." Is this real enough for you? I'm friggin' Quasimodo! ERNIE Chill out, Coog. You're talking to the original tag team of ugly pukes. Step into the light. RICK Okay, here I come. 29. Rick steps forward into a pool of light. Julie and Ernie are caught by surprise. Julie struggles to keep her composure. Ernie's repulsed. ERNIE ULP! Ernie turns away and pukes on the floor. Julie soldiers on. JULIE Oh geez... It's not so (GULP) revolting. After all, physical beauty is just a socially-enforced myth that we, uh, oh shit... ULPI Julie turns away and pukes on the floor. RICK (OFFENDED) Yeah, well, you're no Mona Lisas yourself. You're lucky I've got a strong stomach! VOICE (O.C.) And you're lucky I don't BITE you! Heh heh heh heh ... Rick wheels around to see JUAN THE DOG BOY, snickering behind him. Juan is a hairy young Mexican with a snout, dog ears, and canine teeth--Scrappy Doo with an attitude. Rick assumes a threatening pose. RICK Get away from me you, you... JUAN Freak? Ha ha hahahaha! (he stares hard at Rick) I am Juan the Dog Boy, leader of the freaks. JULIE (walks up to them) Kind of the "top dog." Juan scratches himself behind the ear with his hind leg. JUAN Welcome to Hell, Rick. Shake? He extends a hand to Rick. Rick doesn't take it. He hears a slight RUSTLING noise from the direction of the cubicles, and turns to look around the apparently empty Freak House. 30. RICK No thanks. I don't plan on staying long. How many of you are there in here anyway? Juan shrugs mischievously and sticks his snout in Rick's face. JUAN First, I have a question for you, Ricardo. Who starred in the film "International Velvet?" RICK Huh? JUAN Well, perhaps we should ask the Worm! The top right cubicle lights up, revealing the WORM. He is a man with no arms and legs, and the wrinkly, slimy body of a worm. His face is learned-looking, with spectacles, a small goatee, and a pipe which he puffs on pompously. JUAN Tell us, Worm, who starred in "International Velvet?" He puffs pensively on his pipe for a second. THE WORM Yes, yes ... very interesting... International Velvet... The perfectly appalling sequel to National Velvet, I believe. No dramatic verisimilitude whatsoever. JUAN Yes, Worm. But who was the star? The worm takes a long, thoughtful drag on his pipe... WORM Olivia DeHavilland. JUAN Olivia DeHavilland... Rick, do you agree or disagree? RICK This is nuts. This is crazy... Besides, it was Tatum O'Neill. 31. JUAN Very good. It was Tatum O'Neill, now married to tennis star John McEnroe. Circle gets the square. The lights come on in 9 of the center cubicles, silhouetting 9 freaks in a full size HOLLYWOOD SQUARES 3 x 3 layout. The FREAKS applaud Rick's success. He's incredulous. OTHER FREAKS Yayyy! Worm nudges an "0" into place in his cubicle, with some difficulty. He's not happy about being proved wrong. WORM Blast. O'Neill ... No talent ragamuffin... JUAN okay, JulieErnie, your turn. Who's it going to be? As Juan names the freaks one by one, their square is highlighted, and they wave at Rick cheerily. JUAN (CONT'D) Nosey the Nose Man! NOSEY is a man whose massive nose dominates his head. He blows into a huge hanky, and waves it wearily at Rick. JUAN (CONTD) Cowboy! COWBOY is a young boy with cow-like features, a cowboy hat, cowboy clothes, and a full set of udders. JUAN (CONT-D) The Bearded Lady! The BEARDED LADY is a big, tough, bearded man--in a blouse. He has lipstick, earrings, and tattoos on his muscular arms. BEARDED LADY (gruff and masculine) How ya' doin. JUAN Sockhead! SOCKHEAD is a freak with a large button-eyed sock puppet for a head. He's munching cookies which ,spill uselessly out of his throatless sock mouth... 32. JUAN The Human Torch! The HUMAN TORCH is a man engulfed in flames. He waves apathetically. JUAN Rosie the Pinhead! ROSIE is a pinhead in dark sunglasses. She has a great bod jammed into a sexy dress. She smokes a cigarette demurely, and waves a small, arrogant big-star wave. JUAN The hideous Frog Man! Frogman is just a guy in a scuba outfit. He strikes a threatening "monster" pose, then gives a friendly wave. JUAN And of course, in the center square, Mr. Paul Lynde! Suddenly the lighting changes to flashing red horror lights with plenty of dark shadows. There's a horrific MUSIC STING and we ZOOM IN to a DECOMPOSING SKELETON in the center cubicle. Its eyeball drips out of the socket. JUAN Well JulieErnie, who will it be? ERNIE Call me old-fashioned, but I'll go with Paul Lynde. JULIE Don't be an idiot. They argue back and forth, hitting and poking each other 3 Stooges style. Juan turns to Rick. JUAN You see, Rick? Just because we're freaks doesn't mean we can't have some fun, huh? Rick is overwhelmed by it all. He backs away. RICK Get away from me. Get away! I'm not like you. You hear me? I'm Ricky Coogan! I AM NOT A FREAK! 33. The Freaks laugh in Rick's face. He storms off. DISSOLVE TO: ANOTHER AREA OF THE FREAK HOUSE--A LITTLE LATER Rick sits in a corner, pondering his fate. Oddly, there's a shiny new Pepsi machine in this dingy corner of the Freak House. JulieErnie approach him. ERNIE Okay Coog, so I get twenty four hour access to T `n' A, and you look like a plate of rancid giblets. We're still pals, right? Rick shoots him a look. JULIE All the freaks have gone through this anguish, Rick. At first, I was blinded by my anger. I admit it. I wanted to break your neck for getting me into this. But I got over it. Juan taught me to channel my anger for the common good. RICK It was your fault, anyway. You wanted to see the freak show. JULIE (FURIOUS) I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP! She tries to wring his neck. Ernie helps. Rick glares at Ernie. RICK Ernie! ERNIE Oh... Sorry, Coog. For a second there, I was a total man-hater. Weird. Julie regains her cool. She takes out a pamphlet, scribbles something on it, and hands it to Rick. JULIE Here. Take it. Rick examines the cover. He reads it aloud. 34. RICK "So You're a Hideous Mutant Freak-- Now What?" There's an "8" scribbled on the pamphlet. JULIE we're in cubicle eight. Maybe later you'll be ready to talk. RICK Forget it. Not me. I'm not like those other god-forsaken animals. He throws the-pamphlet to the ground, just as the Worm, Bearded Lady, and Sockhead approach. They sit down in a circle around him. The Worm looks down at the pamphlet and puffs thoughtfully on his pipe. WORM You're mistaken, Rick. You are exactly like us. We were all normal healthy folk before we made the fateful mistake of visiting this hell hole at an off hour. Why, when I first came here... WAVY FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FREAK COMPOUND - THE PAST The Worm, as an OXFORD PROFESSOR, is wandering around the grounds, taking notes and puffing on his pipe. WORM (V.O.) I was a professor of lacrophylogy-- er, the study of worms, of course. I came in search of the Epsosophecci dilepsidae--in layman terms, the fat pudgy worm. Mr. Skuggs said he had just such a worm in his shed. How could I have surmised that the specimen and I would ultimately prove to be one and the same? We see professor Worm meet Elijah, and follow him into the lab. The smoke stack belches a plume of flames as we hear his off-camera screams. DISSOLVE back to.. THE FREAK HOUSE--NOW The Worm finishes his tale. 35. WORM At first, the transformation was fabulous. I truly understood the worm's ethos like never before. But those early days of fascination are over. Now, in retrospect, I think the whole thing is a fucking headache. I'd sell my soul just to be able to wipe my own ass... He sniffles a little, but manages to hold back the tears. We pan to Sockhead. SOCKHEAD I first came here as a tourist, looking for some fun... FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN A lanky TOURIST, obviously Sockhead in better days. He approaches Elijah. SOCKHEAD (V.O.) Anyway, then Elijah turned me into a sock. That's it. INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW Sockhead shrugs apologetically. SOCKHEAD Sorry. I'm not much for stories. The camera moves in on the BEARDED LADY. BEARDED LADY When I arrived here, I was nothing like I am now. FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN The bearded lady (as a man) steps out of the cab of his eighteen-wheeler. He looks very much like he does now, except he has no lipstick or earrings. 36. BEARDED LADY (V.O.) I was confused--a walking contradiction, so full of questions. INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW He finishes his story. BEARDED LADY/MAN Now I know who I am. I can say, "Hey world. This is me. I'm a woman. And I like me." The others look at the bearded man uneasily. The camera pans past the Bearded Lady, and moves in on an ordinary HAMMER lying on the ground. FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY Happy music. The hammer is placed on a shelf by a friendly STOCKBOY. The music turns tense as Elijah appears and scans the shelf. He makes eye contact with the hammer, and smiles. He grabs the hammer roughly and shoves it in a plastic bag. Darkness. EXT. FREAKLAND - THEN The bag opens, Elijah reaches in and takes out the hammer. The music turns to Psycho-like string stabs as Elijah uses the hammer to smash in a nail. INT. FREAK HOUSE - NOW Everyone looks at the hammer sympathetically. Rick turns away to wipe a tear from his eye. WORM You are one of us now, Rick. Whether you admit it or not. It's irrefutable. RICK Yeah. Says you. The worm shakes his head. The freaks turn and head back to their cubicles. Rick exchanges a look with Julie before she and Ernie turn and head off. 37. Rick is left alone, staring pensively at the hammer. TIME DISSOLVE TO: Hours later, Rick is still staring at the hammer. He picks it up and stares at it more closely. TIME DISSOLVE TO: Hours later. Rick is still staring at the damn hammer. He nods with resolve. RICK (TO HAMMER) You're right. He spots the pamphlet on the ground, picks it up, dusts it off. He opens it and begins to read, under the heading "1. It's Fun Being Ugly!"... Rick closes the pamphlet, looks at the number "8" Julie scribbled, and nods with a sense of purpose. Standing up, he throws the hammer carelessly aside into the muck, and walks towards the cubicles. CUT TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY Rick walks past the cubicles. In one, the Bearded Lady knits a sweater... He reaches cubicle 8, and is about to speak when he hears Julie giggling. There is a man's voice, but not Ernie's. It's Juan. Rick peeks around and sees Julie scratching Juan's belly. He licks her face happily, and she giggles with delight. Ernie is reading "The Woman's Room," trying not to notice all of this. Rick watches, disgusted. He tears up the pamphlet, throws it to the ground, and storms off to find his own cubicle. Ernie peeks at Julie and Juan continuing their foreplay. Juan stops abruptly. JUAN Hey. Mind your business. ERNIE Sorry. 38. Ernie returns to his book. The camera PANS up to Rick's cubicle. He's sitting on his cot, distractedly whittling a log with his knife-like talon. He talks to himself, making sure to be loud enough for JulieErnie and Juan to hear. RICK Well that EES guy should rescue me any minute. Then it's straight to the plastic surgeon and back to sunny old L.A. I wonder how many of my beautiful, anatomically correct girlfriends will be waiting for me. STUEY GLUCK (V.O.) I'll be waiting for you, Rick! RICK Thanks, Stuey. Rick looks up and sees a holographic image of Stuey Gluck floating in the air above him. RICK AHH! A phantom troll! He swings the log wildly at the hologram, but it keeps darting around, dodging the blows. Cowboy leans around the cubicle wall. He talks a lot like Gomer Pyle. COWBOY (NEIGHBORLY) Seeing phantom trolls, Rick? RICK (INNOCENTLY) No. Rick stops swinging, lamely pretends he was stretching, and ignores Stuey, who hovers around him. COWBOY Sounds to me like you've developed a telepathic bond. Don't mean yer nuts or nuthin'. Heck, old Nosey, why he can smell the future. Lots of us freaks got E.S.P. And Sockhead, he's got E.S.P.N. He points at Sockhead, who's watching pro wrestling on a portable TV. SOCKHEAD Watch out, Hulk! He's gonna try the skull cracker! 39. COWBOY Shucks, Rick, you're lucky. Telepathy like yours only occurs between real soulmates. A bond like that should be cherished. Cowboy smiles and ducks back into his own cubicle. STUEY Wow! I'm Ricky Coogan's soulmate! RICK In your dreams! Now get lost, troll! He swings wildly at the hologram, which starts to break up and fade away. STUEY (FADING AWAY) Wait'll I tell the kids at school! Stuey disappears. Cowboy leans into Rick's cubicle again. COWBOY Shucksm Rick, it don't make sense to spurn your soulmate. I reckon that troll could help you if you just let him into your heart. Rick scoffs at him and starts whittling again. CUT TO: INT. STUEY'S ROOM - DAY It's a cramped room filled with Ricky Coogan memorabilia. Stuey is drawing a crude sketch of Rick on a pad. This sequence is set to brassy "man on a mission" music. STUEY Once America sees what happened to Ricky, they'll probably send the whole FBI down to save him! CUT TO: INT. L.A. TIMES HALLWAY Stuey marches towards a frosted glass door that reads "THE LOS ANGELES TIMES". 40. STUEY I'll probably win a Pulitzer prize for this scoop. And I'll dedicate it to Rick! He walks through the door. Beat. SMASH! He comes flying out through the glass and lands on his butt. THE "TIME MAGAZINE" DOOR--SMASH! Stuey flies out through it. THE "U.S.A. TODAY" DOOR--SMASH! Stuey flies out through it. THE "WEEKLY WORLD NEWS" DOOR--We see Stuey and an EDITOR silhouetted against the glass. EDITOR (V.0.) Of course I'll print it! America needs to know! Burt! Give mister Gluck his fee and show him out. STUEY (V.0.) That's okay. I know the way. SMASH! Stuey dives through the glass door. CUT TO: EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY Stuey proudly reads the weekly world News. The front page features Stuey's story and his sketch of Rick. STUEY (READING ALOUD) "Freaky Deaky! Ricky Coogan's a mutant in South America! By Stuart S. Gluck." (to NEWSSTAND GUY) That's me! Suddenly two GOONS in dark suits snatch the paper away from Stuey. They grab him and force him into a limousine. INT. LIMOUSINE The Goons hold Stuey in between them.'He's terrified. we hear the low, menacing chuckle of the Laughing Man, who's off screen. The camera is his POV. LAUGHING MAN Heh heh heh heh hehh heh. 41. STUEY Sure I wrote the article. But-- LAUGHING MAN Ha-ha-ha! STUEY No. You've got it all wrong. I don't know anything about that. You gotta believe me. LAUGHING MAN Ho-ho-hahahaha hee hee hoohaaa! THE LIMO cruises off down the street. We hear a POWER DRILL, Stuey's SCREAMS, and Laughing Man's hearty CACKLE from inside. CUT TO: INT. RICK'S CUBICLE - NIGHT Rick has whittled his log down to a toothpick. He admires it, then leans over and fits it into an intricate three-foot scale model of the Eiffel Tower, made entirely out of toothpicks. The Human Torch walks by. HUMAN TORCH Wow, what a great model! (he points at a toothpick) But look, this one's crooked. He reaches out to fix it and--WOOF! The whole model burns to a cinder. Rick looks at him hatefully. HUMAN TORCH (STUPIDLY) Sorry. Elijah steps into the freakhouse. ELIJAH Alright, freaks! Get ready for the glamour! Get ready for the glitz! Get ready to be pelted with rotten vegetables, 'cause it's showtime! CUT TO: 42. EXT. CARNIVAL TENT Elijah, looking natty in his Ringmaster suit, stands at the entrance, barking to various people who are drifting in. ELIJAH It's grisly! It's revolting! It'll make you wish you were dead! And at just twelve bucks a head, you can bring all the kids! We follow a KINDLY FATHER through the curtained entrance. OOF! He collapses, a knife embedded in his chest, revealing the total mayhem... INSIDE THE TENT The motley crowd (LOCALS, sleazy looking MOBSTERS, rogue BIKERS, wayward HIPPIES, and JAPANESE TOURISTS, etc.) is brawling and drinking and having a heck of a time. Some small displays and a few carnival booths are set up around the sides of the tent. There's a "PETTING ZOO" where a KID is petting a two-tailed-no-headed dog. And there's a "HEAVY PETTING ZOO" where a GUY is french kissing a six- legged goat. A CLOWN sits in a dunk tank, heckling the customers. The sign says "DUNK ME IN ACID!" CLOWN C'mon, my granny could throw better than you! He's talking to an OLD LADY, who throws a baseball, hits the target, and dunks the clown into the foaming bath of carbolic acid. We hear his gurgling screams, then his bony hand reaches up out of the bath. Elijah walks out on stage and looks at the rowdy audience. It's total mayhem. ELIJAH (CALMLY) Quiet, please. Everyone instantly sits down, shuts up, and looks up obediently at Elijah. 43. ELIJAH Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness a cavalcade of atrocities so horrific, I advise the more sensitive members of our audience to leave the premises. Two SENSITIVE LOOKING MEN wearing sweaters draped over their shoulders politely get up and leave. ELIJAH Tonight I'm proud to announce the addition of several new monstrosities to the show, including our star attraction, the Beast Boy--an untamed and highly dangerous ghoul who's liable to go nuts and kill us all at the drop of a hat. (impressed "oohs", "ahhs", and "cools" from the AUDIENCE) But first up, prepare to behold an unspeakably repulsive yet heartwarming atrocity, Three Men and a Baby! THREE MEN AND A BABY, all fused into a single multi-limbed freak, walks out onstage. One of its arms holds up a dirty diaper, and all the three men hold their noses and grimace. The audience breaks into warm-hearted laughter and applause. BACKSTAGE The freaks mill around in the caged-in green room, guarded by Toad. Frogman, dressed in a magician's outfit over his wetsuit, holds an empty dove cage and searches the room, whistling for his missing dove. Nosey sneezes up a cloud of feathers. JulieErnie walk determinedly towards the adjacent Men's and Women's restrooms... BONK! They hit the wall between the two doors. Rick is reading his "script", rehearsing his lines. He's wearing a cheesy "jungle" costume. RICK Arrrggg. I am Beast Boy. I will eat you. Arrrghh. (he throws down the SCRIPT) I can't do this shit! He peers through the bars, scanning the audience for signs.of a rescue party. 44. RICK Damn it! What's keeping those guys? The Worm creeps up behind Rick. WORM Something's troubling you, my boy. what is it? RICK Well, let's see. I've been kidnapped, hideously disfigured, imprisoned with a bunch of mutant freaks, my rescue party is M.I.A., and this dialogue makes "Hey Dude Three" read like "Dr. Zhivago." WORM I think I know what you're going through. I too had an eating disorder. You see, I've always had a feverish obsession with pudding. And when I was a young lad... Rick groans and looks out at the audience. ELIJAH onstage. ELIJAH And now a perennial favorite here at Freakland, ladies and gentlemen. I know you'll all enjoy the musical stylings of Rosie the Pinhead. Rosie the Pinhead struts out wearing a sexy dress and holding a microphone. After the applause dies down, she whips off her sunglasses with a flourish, revealing her extremely goofy- looking crossed eyes. She wails incomprehensibly and bonks her head with the mic. ROSIE (DROOLING) EEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIEEEEEE... A series of WIPES show bits of various acts as the evening WEARS ON: ERNIE/JULIE are doing a Vaudeville style stand-up routine while tap dancing. 45. ERNIE Hey Julie, how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? JULIE How many? ERNIE Two. One to screw it in and one to ride my Rodney! Ha-ha-ha! JULIE Oaf! She bonks him with their cane. He bonks her back. She knocks him cold. They both fall down. THE BEARDED LADY is doing a make-over demonstration. He's got a local GIRL from the audience sitting at a makeup table onstage. BEARDED LADY If your coloring is in the autumn range, like Maria's, try an earth tone eye makeup. Now I've done a lovely French braid on Maria, but I encourage everyone to experiment and use your imagination. The main thing is to just have fun with it. The audience is engrossed. Some take notes. SOCKHEAD is ringing those "tuned bells" and singing along. SOCKHEAD Edelweiss, Edelweiss. He takes a bow but his sock is snagged on the mic stand. It pulls off and reveals a normal-sized hand where the sockhead was--he's actually a hand-head! The audience gasps. A MAN gets up and points accusingly. MAN He's got a hand under there! SOMEONE ELSE It's a hoax! Sockhead realizes he's unveiled and tries to hide his hand- head with his other hands. The crowd starts jeering and pelting Sockhead with rotten vegetables. He gives them the finger with all three hands. Elijah tries to calm them. 46. ELIJAH Puppetteering is an admirable skill in its own right! Give him his due! THE CROWD Where's the beast boy you promised us!? Bring on the beast boy! We want the beast boy! (etc.) BACKSTAGE The Worm is still talking to Rick. We can hear the crowd screaming for him in the background. WORM And when I won first prize, they never called me pudding-head again. RICK So? WORM Don't you see? You must turn your hardship into inspiration! You're an actor, Rick! Your body is your instrument, and with it you must play your tragic symphony for all the world! Rick is really moved. Elijah pokes his head backstage. ELIJAH (TO RICK) They're going nuts for you, Beast Boy! You better go out there now! He starts to take off his jungle costume. RICK (determined, inspired) I'll be right there. (TO WORM) Thank you Worm. I don't really know how I can repay you for this. WORM (SINCERE) You could wipe my ass. RICK (thinks Worm is joking) Ha-ha! Always the wit, eh Worm? 47. Rick claps him on the back and walks off. Worm is disappointed. WORM (TO HIMSELF) Damn. (he turns to Nosey) Nosey, have I ever told you what a gifted artist you are? Nosey gives him a worried look. ONSTAGE The spotlight reveals Rick, centerstage, poised in Shakespearean garb. The crowd quiets down and focuses on Rick with great respect and awe. A truly dramatic silence. Rick pauses for effect and then launches into a soliloquy with bravura. RICK Now is the winter of our discontent, Made glorious summer by this son of York, But I that am not shaped for sportive tricks, Nor made to court an amorous looking glass, I, that am curtailed of this fair proportion, Cheated of feature by dissembling nature, The audience is riveted. Even Spanish-speaking peasants are mouthing the words. Elijah, however, thumbs through his script, totally confused. The freaks watch through the bars from the wings--completely engrossed, especially Julie. Juan notices this and pulls her closer to him, but she pushes him away. We move in on an erudite British gentlemen in the crowd. By God! It's ALISTAIR COOKE! He turns to camera. Subtitle: ALISTAIR COOKE. ALISTAIR COOKE (SOTTO VOCE) If you're having trouble understanding Mr. Coogan's brilliant reading of this soliloquy from Richard the Third, please take advantage of the handy subtitles for the culturally illiterate. 48. A FILTHY PEASANT sitting next to Cooke is trying to listen to Rick. He turns angrily to Cooke. FILTHY PEASANT SHHH! Cooke turns back to the stage. The words in brackets appear as SUBTITLES. RICK Deformed, unfinished, sent before my time, {I'M UGLY} Into this breathing world, scarse half made up, {I'M REALLY UGLY} And that so lamely and unfashionable, That dogs bark at me as I halt by them. {I'M F KIN' BUTT-UGLY, ALRIGHT!?} Why I, in this weak piping time of peace, {BLAH, BLAH, BLAH} Have no delight to pass away the time, {I NEVER GET LAID...} Unless to see my shadow in the sun, And descant on mine own deformity! {BECAUSE I'M UGLY} Rick bows. The crowd bursts into applause. They yell "Bravo" and throw bouquets. Rick takes several curtain calls. The freaks cheer for him. Julie is particularly moved--she and Rick exchange a heavy look, laden with romantic potential. NOTE: We will insert an almost subliminal one-frame shot of the Pepsi logo at this triumphant moment. Kevin, the EES executive from the airport scene, walks into the tent. Rick sees him and gasps with joy. He leaps off the stage, runs up to Kevin and hugs him. Kevin is shocked, of course. Overcome by the moment, Rick regresses to his old self. RICK I'm saved! Haha! You sorry mutants are gonna rot in this hole while I'm sipping mint juleps by the pool! {AS FORTUNE SMILES O'ER MY FATE, SO DESTINY SPURNS YOUR ACCURSE'D PATE} The freaks and the audience gasp at Rick's cruelty. Julie is shocked--Juan gives her an "I told you so" look. Rick sees Julie and catches himself. 49. RICK (TO KEVIN) I mean, um, I hope you have room for all my friends, heh-heh. KEVIN Rick, Rick, listen, I really love this new look you've come up with. But just between you and me, I don't think the guys upstairs would really get it. RICK What are you saying!? KEVIN (CHUCKLES SNIDELY) I'm saying you're ugly enough to burn the nosehairs off a dead nun. The crowd bursts into cruel hysterics, pointing mockingly at Rick. Even Alistair Cooke is practically choking with laughter. ALISTAIR COOKE AH-HA-HA-HA! WHAT A PUTZ! Rick looks around, horrified at the sea of evil, jeering faces. He begins to tremble. Then... RICK'S MONSTER EYE springs to life for the first time and glows red with rage. His whole monster side awakens and takes charge of his body with violent intensity. He grabs Kevin's head and screams in a new, monstrous voice. RICK EAT SHIT! POP! He plucks Kevin's head off his neck and holds it aloft. The head stares down at Rick in disbelief. KEVIN'S HEAD Now you're just being childish. Rick serves the head like a volleyball, smashing it to bits. The crowd panics and charges for the exits. CROWD AHHHHHH! HELP! LET US OUT OF HERE! People are trampling over each other in the mayhem. Alistair Cooke is crushed under the stampede. 50. The freaks are horrified. Monster Rick growls triumphantly. Elijah looks on, intrigued. ELIJAH Now that's entertainment. INT. FREAK HOUSE - MORNING Rick awakens with a start and gets up. He approaches JulieErnie, The Bearded Lady, Nosey and Dog Boy, who are idly playing a game of "Wheel of Fortune." The cubicles contain large blank blocks, like the "letters" on the game show. So far, there's a "D", two "S"s, and a "K" revealed. Rosie the Pinhead plays Vanna White's role. NOSEY I'd like to buy a vowel. The Bearded lady yawns. Rick edges towards them. RICK Hey. The Wheel. Mind if I sit in? Juan advances towards Rick, sneering. JUAN So. Now you don't mind mixing with us--how did you say it--sorry mutants? RICK Look! I'm sorry for what happened at the show. Can't you just forget it? He shakes his finger at Juan, and notices there's still a human nose stuck on his monster claw. He wipes it off, embarrassed. There's an awkward pause. Ernie breaks the silence. ERNIE Hey, shouldn't you tell Rick about your big escape plan? Juan gives Ernie a nasty "shut up" look. He growls at him. ERNIE Well, excuse me for living. RICK You have an escape plan? JUAN Listen, Beast Boy, the games are a simple diversion. (MORE) 51. JUAN(CONT'D) Beneath our twisted flesh we freaks cry out for freedom! Aooooooorrraaaagh! Juan howls lustily. He looks to rest of the freaks. They're a pathetic lot, and their half-hearted howl proves it. FREAKS Aoo... Beat. JULIE Juan's plan is really ingenious Rick. See, he figured out that-- JUAN I figured out that our escape does not include the Beast Boy. No one may discuss the plan with him, understand? Juan gives the others a threatening look. They mumble agreement. RICK What's the matter with all of you? You trust your lives to a guy just 'cause he can lick his own privates? The freaks ponder this a second, then nod "yes". ERNIE You gotta admit, Coog, it's a helluva trick. RICK (RESENTFUL) Fine! I'll just come up with an escape plan of my own then. JUAN Haha! I have spent a year studying this hellhole, devising the perfect escape. You think you'll just tango right out the door!? Ha! Just try it, amigo. RICK I will! Rick turns to go. JulieErnie rush over and try to reason with him quietly. 52. JULIE Rick, wait. ERNIE Yeah. Don't go off half-cocked. Believe me, it ain't all it's cracked up to be. JULIE This isn't one of your dumb movies, Coogan. Look, Juan's a good dog, a smart dog. I'll talk to him. Don't be stupid, Rick. You can't do it without us. RICK Forget it! I don't need you, EES, or anybody else! I'll get out of here all by myself, you... you.,. crud sucking pus monkeys! DING DING DING! The letters in the Wheel of Fortune board light up, and ROSIE turns them over to reveal "Crud Sucking Pus Monkeys" as the secret phrase. Everyone claps despite themselves. Juan stares them down. They stop. Rick storms off in a huff. Juan takes Julie's hand and gazes deep into her eyes. He kisses her passionately. Julie is watching Rick leave. Juan nibbles her neck, which gets her attention. She scratches Juan behind his ear. His leg instinctively kicks the air. Ernie looks worried. ERNIE I'm getting a bad feeling here. CUT TO: INT. REAR CORNER OF FREAK HOUSE - DAY Out of sight from the others, Rick approaches the rear door and tries it. It doesn't open from the inside. RICK Damn. He peers out through a crack in the door and sees a MILKMAN getting out of his truck in the driveway. RICK (TO MILKMAN) Psst! Hey, you. Milkman! 53. OUTSIDE The milkman looks over at the outhouse, suspicious. MILKMAN Yeah... ? RICK (V.0.) Just the man I'm lookinq for. Be a pal, and give me a hand will ya? MILKMAN Oooh no! I know you freaks. You'll try anything just to get someone to open that door. Well not me! Ha! He's about to walk away. RICK Okay. Guess I'll just have to milk the world's biggest breasted woman all by myself. Sorry to bother you. The milkman stops in his tracks. He tiptoes over to the back door of the outhouse, listening intently as Rick goes into his "act." RICK (in a lusty womanish VOICE) Ooohh... Milk me! Milk me now! Milk me hard! (Normal Rick voice) I've only got two hands, all right? Geez. I don't care if Elijah did give you skim milk on the right side, chocolate on the left, and eggnog in the middle. The milkman is salivating at the door. MILKMAN (TO HIMSELF) Gee, I love eggnog! The milkman opens the door eagerly and steps inside. Beat. MILKMAN Hey, what the-- BONK. We hear the sound of bottled buttermilk beaning his soft noggin. Rick walks out wearing the milkman outfit complete with the little six-milk-bottle-carrier thing. 54. He looks around and heads for the milk truck, whistling casually. He notices something. It's ... THE GIANT ELIJAH HEAD Its big eyes are staring at Rick (note: there's a skywriter plane in the distance behind the head, which finishes writing "YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE BABY: PEPSI") Rick gets to the truck and tries the door. It's locked. RICK Shit. He looks over at the giant head. The eyes are still staring at him--they seem to have shifted. Rick shrugs it off and looks around. He walks over to Elijah's car. It's locked too. He checks the big eyes. They've moved again. Rick's getting a bit desperate. He sees something else and runs towards it. It's a dry-docked motorboat. It's locked too. The eyes have followed Rick again. He sees something else and runs over to it. It's a bag of golf clubs leaning against Elijah's porch. They're locked too. RICK Damn! This guy doesn't trust anybody! He looks at the giant head- the eyes are gone, leaving only empty eyesockets! Rick hears A BURST OF MACHINEGUN FIRE behind him, spins around and faces ... TWO THREE FOOT HIGH EYEBALLS with little arms and legs, wearing Jamaican Rasta hats and aiming smoking Uzi 9mms in the air. They aim their Uzis at Rick. One holds a walkie-talkie, the other holds a big spliff. RICK AHHHH! A T.V. MONITOR in Elijah's hands, shows Rick staring at us, the Eye's POV. ELIJAH seen in extreme close-up, watches the surveillance monitor. He speaks into a microphone. We don't see what the room looks like. ELIJAH Good work, Eye and Eye. 55. THE EYES bob in response to Elijah. They have no mouths, but their pupils open and close when they speak. EYE AND EYE (JAMAICAN ACCENTS) Rastafari. ELIJAH (V.0.) (over the walkie-talkie) Now bring the Beast Boy to my, uh, den. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Rick looks worried as they lead him towards the scary looking house. INT. ELIJAH'S DEN It's a lovely, suburban den with a coffee table full of magazines like "Better Homes and Gardens," "National Review" and "Freaks Illustrated". Elijah sits in a big Barcalounger, smoking a pipe. Rick sits on the sofa. Toad walks up with a tray of soft drinks. ELIJAH (TO RICK) Diet soda? RICK No thanks. Elijah points to a bowl of Fiddle Faddle. Toad sits beside Rick. ELIJAH Fiddle Faddle? (Rick shakes his head) You sure? RICK Well, okay. (he scoops some into his MOUTH) Well, are you gonna torture me or kill me or something? ELIJAH Torture my greatest creation ever!? Kill the final piece of the puzzle that I've been putting together for years!? Sure, it'd be fun, but I've got a bigger plan, my boy. (MORE) 56. ELIJAH(CONT'D) And when you ripped off that guy's head, I knew it was working like gangbusters! RICK But I thought I scared everyone away. ELIJAH Uh-huh. And then they told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on. Look at this. Elijah grabs a big mail bag and spills some letters out on the table. Elijah opens one and reads it. ELIJAH (READING) Dear Mister Skuggs, I was shocked and disgusted when my grandson told me about the head-popping beast at your show. Please send me six tickets. (he reads another) Dear Beast Boy, I used to like New Kids on The Block, but you're way cuter. My favorite ice cream is chocolate. Is it fun ripping people's heads off? I love you. (ANOTHER LETTER) The Beast Boy is on a blood-letting spree, and Oscar is along for the ride! (he looks up at Rick) That one's from Pat Collins! RICK Yeah, but she loves everything. Rick reaches for the Fiddle Faddle but the bowl is empty. Toad BURPS. ELIJAH Toad! That Fiddle Faddle is for guests only! You've had enough! Toad is blankfaced. Elijah walks over and refills the bowl. Rick scoops some into his mouth. Elijah walks to the fireplace and pushes the embers around with a poker. RICK Look Skuggs--Elijah--I've been in show business all my life. The public does not want to see disgusting, depraved violent filth. 57. ELIJAH Oh, and I suppose Jake and the Fatman is just a fluke? The phone rings. Elijah looks at it, and back to Rick. ELIJAH (CONT'D) I'll get it. He goes over to the phone and lifts the receiver. ELIJAH `Yello? On the other end of the line, we hear LAUGHING MAN's insane chuckle. Elijah's smooth smile fades. He turns his back to- Rick, who strains to identify the familiar laughing voice. Elijah scribbles notes on a pad by the phone. ELIJAH Yes... Right... Tomorrow... Mmhmm... Mnunhmm... Wow. Okay. You got it... Hasta la vista to you too. Hahaahahaahaha-- Laughing Man hangs up on Elijah. He looks a little pissed- off as he turns to face Rick again. Grumbling, he takes the poker in hand, and pokes at the coals angrily. ELIJAH Okay, Coogan. I'm finished with you for now. Ricky rises and snatches the notepad just before Elijah spins to face him. ELIJAH (CONT'D) But listen. I may not be "Mr. Tinseltown", but I damn well know what I like. You're gonna be a hideous killing machine, and that's final! Tomorrow night I'll finish the job onstage! And then, to demonstrate your horrible power, you'll slaughter all the old obsolete freaks in cold bl--HEY! Elijah thrusts the red hot fire poker out and ZAP! He catches Toad's ten foot tongue--curled around the searing poker inches from the Fiddle Faddle. TOAD AAAGGGGHH! 58. ELIJAH I told you enough! CUT TO: EXT. ELIJAH'S HOUSE DAY Elijah shows Rick out the door. The Eyes scurry out and leap back into the sockets in the giant head. ELIJAH Bye-bye. And remember, try another escape, and I'll feed your balls to Toad. As he walks towards the Freak House, Rick pulls out the note he pocketed. A gust of wind blows it away from him. He chases it behind the carnival tent where... KKCCLIINNK! He runs into ELEVEN PHONY MILKMEN, backing their way around the corner, each carrying their own six-pack of milkbottles. Startled, they turn around. Why, it's the freaks! And they're all dressed as milkmen! Cowboy carries the hammer, who's dressed in a little milkman suit as well. BEARDED LADY Hey Rick, I thought you were gonna come up with your own escape plan? RICK (TO JUAN) This is your big plan? A dozen milkmen? Isn't that a little unusual? Juan hadn't thought of this. He pushes himself forward and confronts Rick viciously. JUAN Twelve milkmen is theoretically possible. Thirteen is silly. Looks like one milkman too many, Coogan. He pushes Rick aside. The freaks continue past him. RICK Fine then. Go ahead. Hope you like reggae, ya flea bitten bastard. Rick watches as the Freaks approach the open courtyard, where he knows the Eyeballs will spot them. 59. Julie glances at him a second, then looks away. His mind made up, Rick takes a deep breath. RICK Ah, shit. He runs over to the Freaks. He stands in Juan's way. RICK Look, you'll all be killed. You don't know about Elijah's giant Rasta eyeballs with machine guns... (they think he's nuts) It's suicide! I can't let you do it. JUAN And I can't let you stop us. This is it. Rick and Juan square off. Juan growls and bares his teeth. Rick's MONSTER EYE starts to glow and pulse dimly. They circle each other. The others are transfixed. ELIJAH'S POV He peers through a side window, and sees the pack of milkmen cheering two of their coworkers, locked in mortal combat. ELIJAH That's a lot of milkmen on the same route. No wonder they fight. Juan rears back, about to lunge, when suddenly he freezes and looks off into the distance. A SQUIRREL is sitting innocently a few yards off. JUAN Squirrel! He zooms off after the squirrel. The Eyes pop out of the giant head and follow after him, Uzis FIRING. Juan dodges their bullets and disappears after his prey. The freaks watch their best chance of freedom run off after a pesky rodent. They turn to Rick. NOSEY Wow, giant Rasta eyeballs, just like Rick said. SOCKHEAD Gosh, if it wasn't for Rick, we'd all be dead! 60. OTHER FREAKS Yeah! Way to go Rick! Alright! ERNIE (TO JULIE) God, I can't believe he left you for a squirrel. What a dick. Julie's hurt. She doesn't even smack Ernie. RICK You know how men are. Besides, it was a pretty good looking squirrel. Julie looks at Rick. She sees he's trying to be helpful, not sarcastic. JULIE (to the others) Come on. You heard the Beast Boy. Back to the Freak House, now. Her eyes meet Rick's. She manages a smile, and Rick smiles back. Ernie sizes up the situation and groans as they all head back to the Freak House. ERNIE Not again. (TO RICK) Oh well, at least we'll get to try a new position. CUT TO: INT. STARK INTERROGATION ROOM We're moving in towards a door in this desolate, vaguely corporate looking hallway. INSIDE THE ROOM We're looking at the back of Laughing Man's leather chair. We hear his CACKLE, as well as STUEY GLUCK'S TORTURED SCREAMS and a horrible POWER TOOL NOISE. We can see the usual bright interrogation spotlight, and a couple of extra GOONS watching the goings on, but Stuey and his actual torturer are hidden by Laughing Man's chair. STUEY (O.S.) AHHHHH! STOP IT! OOOWWWWW! We move past Mr. Big's chair to reveal Stuey lying face down on a table, while Bob Vila is using a power sander on his butt. Bob is happily giving pointers to the two goons. 61. BOB Notice the way I use an elliptical motion to chafe Stuey's buttocks. (the Goons nod ATTENTIVELY) It's all here in my new book: Pipes, Fixtures, and Torturing TROLLS-- LAUGHING MAN(O.S.) (Loud, sharp laugh) A-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA! Bob obediently shuts up. Laughing Man directs a sinister low chuckle to Stuey. STUEY No way. I'll never talk! I'm made of stone! Bob considers this a second, then starts up a jackhammer. STUEY HELP! RICK! RIIIIIIIIIICCKKK! CUT TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY We hear LONESOME HARMONICA MUSIC as we pan past the cubicles. Cowboy is playing the harmonica... The Bearded Lady unties the pretty pink ribbon in his hair and sets it aside... Suddenly, we switch to HORRIFIC PSYCHO STINGS as the camera picks up PAUL LYNDE'S CORPSE with flashing red lights. His eyeball drips out of the socket again... Then it's back to the SAD HARMONICA MUSIC. In the next cubicle, Ernie is sleeping, Julie is awake, dreamily fondling a large eclair. She looks longingly up towards Rick's cubicle as we... DREAM DISSOLVE TO: DREAMLAND Rick (his face is normal) and Julie kiss passionately in a billowy white bed amidst puffy clouds. 62. RICK (SINCERE) Julie, compared to this, sex with Julia Roberts was a thankless chore. QUICK DISSOLVE BACK TO: JULIE' We follow her gaze, panning up to Rick. He's lying on his bed, dreamily fondling a donut. He looks down towards Julie's cabin... DREAM DISSOLVE TO: DREAMLAND Rick and Julie kiss passionately. We're tight on them. JULIE Oh Rick, you've touched a place in me no one has ever touched before. ERNIE(O.S.) I'll say! Almost punctured a kidney! WIDEN to show Ernie, still attached to Julie, leering at Rick. Rick is mortified. QUICK DREAM DISSOLVE TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY Rick sits in his cubicle, visibly sickened by his daydream. Stuey's echoey voice drifts in. STUEY(V.0.) Rick! Riiiicccck! A holographic image of Stuey lying on the torture table appears over Rick. We can see the jackhammer looming over Stuey's face. Rick looks alarmed. STUEY HOLOGRAM Rick! Do something! It's up to you, Rick! Pleeeeeeease! LAUGHING MAN (O.S) Aha-hee-hee-ho-ho-har-har-har! 63. RICK The Laughing Man! Rick watches the hologram break up and disappear. Wheels spinning in his head, he takes the crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and reads it. RICK (under his breath) Holy shit! JULIE/ERNIE'S CUBICLE Julie and Ernie are struggling over a bottle of deodorant. ERNIE It says it's strong enough for a man! JULIE But it's made for a woman! She grabs it away and shoves it in Ernie's mouth. Rick walks in. JULIE Hey Rick. What's up? RICK Read this. I grabbed it from Skuggs' office. He hands her the notepaper. She reads it, with some difficulty. Ernie is still gagging on deodorant. JULIE "Tape Donahue... Renew Subscription to Beaver World..." Eeuw! She gives Rick a disgusted look. Ernie mumbles with the deodorant in his mouth. ERNIE (interested, muffled) Beaver World!? Julie smacks him--he swallows the deodorant. RICK (TO JULIE) After that. 64. JULIE "Prepare demonstration for Laughing Man, receive five thousand barrels of Noxon." Five thousand barrels!? RICK Elijah's up to something big, and we have to stop him. Ernie BELCHES. Rick sniffs the air. RICK Mmmm. Jasmine. SWISH PAN TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY Rick takes a deep breath, and begins his presentation to the freaks assembled before him. RICK Alright guys, listen up-- Sockhead suddenly freaks out. SOCKHEAD We're done for! We're done for! I don't want to die! It's the end of the world! The apocalypse! Aahh! He stops. Everyone is staring at him. RICK I haven't said anything yet. SOCKHEAD Sorry. I'm not much for timing. He takes his seat again. RICK (TO EVERYONE) Tomorrow night, at the show, I'll be turned into a homicidal monster and forced to kill you all. But we might have a chance if we act fast. And I'm prepared to be your new leader. A THRILLING CHORD. 65. NOSEY (TO SOCKHEAD) I say we kill him. Sockhead nods. RICK And I've got a plan. ANOTHER THRILLING CHORD. NOSEY I still say we kill him. Sockhead nods again. RICK If we can get into Elijah's lab, maybe we can-- WORM Of course! Design a super freak of our own and manipulate the genetic code to make him destroy Elijah instead of us! Brilliant! RICK Oh. Well-- BEARDED LADY But how do we get to the lab? RICK Um, maybe-- COWBOY Right! The worm could dig a tunnel! WORM By God, it's so crazy it might just work! ERNIE But you need Noxon 24 to make the freaking sludge, and Elijah told us himself he's run out of it. RICK Oh. Oh yeah. Well, see, what I was going to say was-- 66. JULIE Yes! Exactly! If they've been using Noxon 24 as a fertilizer here, the entire ecosystem must be soaked with it! All we need is a way to extract it from the vegetation, ideally into a liquid form. RICK Right. Well, what about-- COWBOY Golly! So that's why my milk comes out that funny green color! I thought the grass tasted funny! Wow, Rick, you're a genius! JULIE (SMILES WARMLY) Good thinking, Rick. The freaks all nod in agreement. NOSEY Way to go, Rick! How did you ever think of such a plan? Rick pulls out an old comic book and points to an ad for Sea Monkeys. RICK Well, actually, I was going to suggest we send away for sea monkeys, train them to fire guns, and make a break for it. But if you want to go with this other thing, I guess that's okay. The freaks stare at him, not sure if he's kidding or not. CUT TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - NIGHT FREAKS ON A MISSION MONTAGE, SET TO A POUNDING "EYE OF THE TIGER"-TYPE SONG -Nosey milks Cowboy, squirting the glowing milk into a funnel which feeds into a crude still. The Torch heats the boiler. -The Worm digs the tunnel. JulieErnie hand Rick pieces of wood which he puts into place as tunnel supports. They hand him Paul Lynde's corpse and he wedges it in as well. 67. -Everyone's getting into it and working up a sweat. Nosey wipes his brow, opens a bottle of Pepsi and chugs it down in a beautifully lit slo-mo product shot... The other freaks follow suit, including the Worm, down in the tunnel, who struggles to hold the bottle in his tiny feeler. Everything's going great and the song is really pumping when... ELIJAH runs out on his front porch in his nightclothes and screams down at the outhouse. ELIJAH WOULD YOU TURN DOWN THAT GODDAMN RACKET!? IN THE FREAK HOUSE Nosey turns off a boom box and the music cuts short. The freaks exchange tense looks. Nosey calls out apologetically to Elijah. NOSEY SOR-RY. (to the freaks) What a jerk! INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL The Worm burrows along, leaving a tunnel wide enough for Rick and JulieErnie to crawl after him. Rick notices a ray of light coming through a rock formation. RICK Hey, look at this! They all stop and look. Rick fingers the hole, and the rocks cave in, revealing A VAST UNDERGROUND CITY It's obviously a matte painting. WORM Good Lord! It's the Lost City of Nodd! JULIE Wow! 68. KER-CHUNK! We hear the sound of a slide projector switching slides and the underground city is replaced by a still image of some tourists standing around a geyser. [foriegn version: the Blarney Stone]. RICK It's Old Faithful! (foriegn take: "It's the Blarney Stone!"] They "Ooh" and "Ahh". The image switches to a snapshot of a FAT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN. ERNIE It's my Aunt Gladys! The other freaks nod politely. The image switches to a BAR MITZVAH PHOTO. ERNIE And that's me at my bar mitzvah! RICK C'mon Ernie, let's go. ERNIE Wait, you gotta see the ones from sleep-away camp! They're hilarious! Julie smacks him. JULIE Stooge! EXT. FREAK COMPOUND - NIGHT It's an "Antfarm View" of the yard, where the freaks are visible tunneling underground, and Toad is visible on the yard above them. We see a bat fly overhead... ZAP! Toad shoots out his tongue, snags it out of mid air, and chews it happily, oblivious to the freaks burrowing right underneath him. INT. FREAK HOUSE Nosey looks at the nearly full container of distilled Noxon. NOSEY Almost there. (he sniffs the air) But wait, I'm getting a whiff of things to come! 69. BEARDED LADY What do you smell? NOSEY (GRIM) Blood. Bearded Lady looks grave..Nosey sniffs again. NOSEY (CHEERFUL) And hot buttered popcorn! BEARDED LADY Awwright! INT. TUNNEL They're burrowing along. Ernie loudly clears his throat. Julie spits out a loogie. She grimaces. JULIE I hate when you do that. We hear muffled BARKING. ERNIE Hey! Do you hear that? JULIE It's a dog! RICK (TO WORM) Hurry! The Worm breaks through into a small cavern with several exposed sewer pipes. A lovable mutt leaps out of a pipe and drops an old tennis ball in front of Rick. He starts licking Rick's face. RICK Scrappy! SAPPY MUSIC wells up. RICK It's been ten years since you chased this ball into the sewer! I thought you were gone for good! SCRAPPY Yap! 70. RICK Listen Scrap. Go home. Get help. Understand? SCRAPPY Yap! RICK Good boy! Now go! Scrappy runs away into the sewer pipe. Rick shrugs. RICK You never know. Julie taps on some exposed wood on the cavern ceiling. JULIE Look, a wood floor. WORM It must be the lab! we've done it! They all look at each other excitedly. Suddenly Elijah's voice rings out behind them. ELIJAH'S VOICE Not so fast, you scabrous freaks! They spin around and see Nosey holding the bottle of Noxon 24. He grins. NOSEY Didn't know I did impressions, did ya? INT. FREAK HOUSE The freaks are waiting around the hole. Nosey pops out. NOSEY Mission accomplished. They've got the Noxon, and they'll be in the lab within minutes. FROGMAN Boy, this is going like clockwork! Everyone smiles, pats each other on the back, etc. Except Sockhead, who finally snaps. SOCKHEAD No! Can't you see we're digging our own graves!? (MORE) 71. It's nuts, SOCKHEAD(cont'd) that's what it is! Nuts! Well, maybe you've all got a deathwish, but you can count me out! I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE! He runs amok, pushes various freaks to the ground, and runs around screaming. The freak house door opens--Eye and Eye step in to check out the noise. One of them has a spliff sticking out of its pupil. Sockhead charges at them like a mad dog. They aim their Uzis. SOCKHEAD (at the Eyes) OUT OF MY WAY! RATTA-RATTA-RATTA! They spray an ungodly amount of bullets into Sockhead. He falls to the ground. The Eyes leave. The freaks gather around Sockhead. Nosey pulls the sock off his hand head, which is making a little "Senor Pepe" face with its fist. It spits up a trickle of blood and tries to speak. SOCKHEAD (WEAK) I... I... just... wanna...say... NOSEY What is it, kid? SOCKHEAD Ah, forget it. I'm not much for dying. He goes limp. CUT TO: INT. ELIJAH'S LAB JulieErnie, the Worm, and Rick are just emerging from the hole. It's really dark in the lab. ERNIE Shit. I can't see a damn thing. RICK Keep your voice down, Ernie. ERNIE Don't push me, Coog. I got a real short fuse today. I'm cranky, bloated, got a wicked case of cramps. Don't ask why. 72. JULIE (whispers to Rick) PMS... RICK (has to think about this) Oh.... Right. Rick pats Ernie on the shoulder reassuringly. He moves over to Elijah's computer terminal. RICK (CONT'D) Well, here it is--the control panel for Elijah's Freaking process. WORM Good work, my boy. Now step aside. This is scientist's work. Worm muscles Rick out of the way and sits at the console. Using a pen held in his mouth, he flicks a series of switches and punches a fast series of computer keys. The light on top of the Tasty Freekz machine starts to revolve, and after a couple of seconds, a stream of GOOEY LIGHT BROWN GLOP oozes out of the spigot. ERNIE Hey! It's working! RICK You did it, Worm! Way to go! JULIE But how? You didn't even use the Noxon. The Worm rushes over to the container of glop below the spigot, and without hesitation, plunges his face into it! Rick, Julie, and Ernie gasp in horror! The WORM lifts his glop-smeared face out of the bowl, and smacks his lips in delight. WORM Ah! You don't need Noxon to make Butterscotch pudding. I just wanted to test the machine's capabilities. Mmmm! Glorious! So creamy! Yum! The Worm is lost in his pudding-induced reverie. They ignore him. Julie turns to Rick. 73. JULIE Hang on, Rick. Do you really think we should put this toxic glop on you? What if it doesn't work? What if something goes wrong? What IF-- ERNIE If it does work, do you think there'll be enough left over to give me a monster size rodney? Julie goes to doink Ernie in the eyes, but he uses the classic "Three Stooges" handblock. RICK (TO ERNIE) Here, hold this. Rick hands the container of Noxon to Ernie. Julie gives him the eyepoke. Rick shakes hands with Julie, and takes back the Noxon. RICK (TO ERNIE) Thanks. (to Julie, heroically) Look, I've been a freak all my life.' I realize that now. Up there on that screen, humiliating myself for every fool with six bucks in his pocket-- ERNIE Seven bucks. JULIE Sometimes seven fifty. RICK Alright. It doesn't matter. ERNIE Sure it does. They don't let you into the theater if you don't pay the price of the ticket. RICK Look, I'm talking about the ultimate human sacrifice. JULIE No kidding. When you consider money for parking, popcorn, drinks... 74. The worm chimes in, still gorging himself on pudding... WORM Don't forget a sitter for the children! Rick's had enough. RICK Hey! In case you haven't noticed, I'm about to commit a noble and selfless act here. Rick pounds the table, sending a glass beaker flying. It smashes through the window, setting off a loud SIREN. INT. ELIJAH'S DEN Elijah's in his robe, watching the opening of "Crooked Cops" on TV. On screen is a revolving police beacon on a beat-up car, with a loud SIREN. Elijah munches his popcorn happily. INT. LAB Julie manages to silence the alarm by yanking the cord out of its socket. She shoots Rick a hard look, he shrugs innocently. RICK Oops. (BEAT) Okay. Let's do what we came to do, and this time, no more screw ups. Rick slams his hand down for emphasis and impales it on one of those desktop paper pins. He SCREAMS in agony. INT. ELIJAH'S DEN Elijah's watching an old war movie--a soldier is running across a battlefield with a bayonet, SCREAMING. He doesn't hear Rick. INT. LAB Julie has her hand over Rick's mouth, silencing his scream. He calms down. He gingerly slides the pin out of his hand, grimacing but not making a sound. He sighs with relief. The coast seems clear. Then, in SLOW MOTION, his hand knocks a styrofoam cup off the desk and onto the ground. 75. INT. ELIJAH'S DEN The war movie has erupted into a massive battle--machine guns blaring, grenade launchers and bazookas booming, the works. Suddenly, his ears perk up, and his head swivels around towards the window. ELIJAH Styrofoam cup? He puts on his "smiley face" robe and bunny slippers and heads out the door. INT. LAB Julie is pouring the distilled Noxon into the top of the Tasty Freekz machine. WORM Don't you think we should make some more pudding first, as a test? RICK No. Here goes. He presses some buttons on the computer, and the Tasty Freekz machine starts humming. Ernie is looking out the window. ERNIE Somebody's comin'! Hurry. RICK We have to wait. There's no way to speed up the machine. EXT. ELIJAH'S HOUSE Elijah comes out of the house and walks towards the lab. INT. LAB Rick's starting to sweat. He looks over at Julie, who holds an empty Pepsi cup under the Tasty Freekz spigot. A drop of ointment drips out and into the container. JULIE Here it comes. THE LAB DOORKNOB begins to turn slowly. 76. Everybody freezes. The flow of ooze slows to a stop. RICK It's plugged up! They look over at the doorknob--it's still turning. ERNIE (TO WORM) If it's your damn pudding, I'll ring your wormy neck. WORM (under his breath) Preposterous... I have no neck. I'm a worm, imbecile. THE DOOR KNOB is still turning, agonizingly slowly... OUTSIDE THE LAB Elijah is trying to turn the knob,, His grip keeps slipping because of the butter on his fingers. ELIJAH Aaargh! Damn buttered popcorn! IN THE LAB The spigot has started to discharge more,reliably. The Pepsi cup is filling up now. OUTSIDE Elijah is wiping his hands off on his shirt tails. He tries the door knob again. IN THE LAB We hear a low rumbling and the floor starts to shake. WORM The tunnel walls are about to collapse! RICK You go ahead. I'll catch up. JULIE BUT-- RICK Go! 77. The door knob is turning more vigorously, but still not opening. Julie and Ernie get in the hole with Worm, while Rick attends to the almost-full Pepsi cup of sludge. OUTSIDE Elijah is still having trouble with his grip. IN THE LAB Rick pops the plastic lid onto the Pepsi cup, and climbs into the hole. He rests the cup on the floor and lifts the floor board over his head. The RUMBLING gets louder as the tunnel walls start to crumble. JULIE Rick! Come on! Rick is losing his balance as the ground shifts beneath him. He sways, and knocks the Pepsi cup of sludge rolling. He watches, helpless, as it rolls across the floor and comes to a stop across the room. For a second, he contemplates making a dash. OUTSIDE Elijah has wrapped his shirt tails around the knob, and finally has a good grip. He twists the knob... INSIDE Rick sees the door opening. He dives down into the hole. The floor board falls into place just as Elijah walks in. Elijah scans the room. He goes over towards the Tasty Freekz machine and finds the styrofoam cup. ELIJAH Bad for the environment. He crumples it in his hand. EXT. FREAK COMPOUND The "antfarm view" again. We see the freaks running back through the tunnel as it caves in behind them. Toad sits on the ground above, oblivious to them. We hear a low flying aircraft... ZAP! Toad shoots his tongue up out of frame and sucks the twin engine Cessna into his mouth. Beat. He BURPS and spits up a propeller. 78. INT. FREAK HOUSE The freaks wait by the mouth of the tunnel. We hear the rumble approach. The worm, JulieErnie, and finally Rick scramble out of the opening. The dirt avalanche is stopped short by Paul Lynde's corpse, just as Rick scrambles to safety. WORM Just made it! RICK Paul saved our lives! NOSEY Way to go, Paul! Nosey claps Paul on what's left of his back--his skeleton shatters and the tunnel collapses, burying him instantly. The freaks are horrified. NOSEY turns to them guiltily in SLOW-MOTION. His voice is slowed down and distorted like John Lennon at the end of "Strawberry FIELDS": NOSEY I... buried... Paul. Back to normal speed. RICK This is no time to lament over a cadaver! We've got to get moving, or we're history! Now c'mon! Nosey is still morose. He speaks backwards and sounds a lot like "Revolution #9". NOSEY Daed si luap. SUBTITLE: "Paul is dead." RICK I said enough! Okay, listen up, everybody. We cracked the code and made the ointment we need to bring Skuggs down for good. The freaks applaud and cheer. 79. RICK But we left it in the lab. The freaks jeer and pelt Rick with rotten vegetables. He desperately pulls a bag of cookies out of his pocket. RICK But wait! I found some macaroons! And there's plenty for all of us! The freaks burst into applause again. FREAKS Yaayyy! TIME DISSOLVE TO: INT. FREAK HOUSE - DAY The Freaks are all sleeping, macaroon crumbs still left on their faces. There's a lot of snoring. Rick awakens with a start. He hears something in the distance. Something like a helicopter... He gets up and peeks out a crack in the wall. RICK'S POV. EXT. FREAKLAND - DAY An EES corporate helicopter touches down. A few gun-toting SECURITY GUYS in dark suits and dark glasses get out. They check that the coast is clear, then give the signal. Out steps Richard Hertz. He mutters something to one of the security guys, and walks towards the Freak House. IN THE FREAK HOUSE RICK (under his breath) I don't believe it. What's Hertz doin' here? The door to the Freak House opens. Hertz enters, unzips his fly. Finding no toilet, he shrugs and relieves himself on the floor. Rick steps out of the shadows towards him. RICK So EES is in bed with Elijah C. Skuggs, eh? Figures. Hertz is momentarily startled by Rick. He collects himself. HERTZ Rick! Thank God I got to you in time! 80. RICK Cut the crap, Hertz. Hertz relieves himself as he talks. HERTZ Ricky, you have no idea how your misfortune has touched our hearts. When you disappeared we almost gave up hope. But we'd heard reports of Skuggs's reckless abuse of Noxon, and when the story broke in the tabloids, I decided to personally come down and get to the bottom of things. He zips up and heads to the door. RICK (SKEPTICAL) Really? HERTZ No. (BEAT) AHA HA HEE HEE HO HO HA HA HEE HEE HO HO HO HA HA HA HA! The cackle is unmistakable--Rick's face twists in horror as he realizes... Hertz is THE LAUGHING MAN! Hertz ducks out the door. Rick looks after him, stunned. We hear a nearby SNORE cut off, and the Human Torch stands up from the spot where Hertz relieved himself. He's dripping wet and no longer on fire. He sniffs his soaked, smoldering clothing. TORCH Peuw! Hey! Of all the... That really pisses me off! POOF! He catches fire again and walks off. Rick is doing a slow burn, still looking after Hertz. He erupts and his monster eye glows briefly. He screams in anguish. RICK AAARRGGGGHH! Dejected, Rick leans against the wall. JulieErnie walk up behind him. Julie puts a hand on Rick's shoulder to comfort him. As they look into each other's eyes, a loud CRASH distracts them. Rick peers through the crack. 81. RICK'S POV A caravan of EES trucks crash through the front gate and drive up to the lab. There's a few cargo trucks and a huge NOXON-24 tanker. RICK Holy shit. A forklift drives out of the back of one of the large trucks, carrying the old corporate farts on a wooden palette. One of them falls off, and a bunch of WORKMEN scramble out to prop him up and push him back into place. INT. LAB - DAY Elijah switches on the lights, and turns to face his audience. Hertz is accompanied by his stone-faced security men and various executives. Workmen are busy installing the old board of directors and their arm-raising pulley system. ELIJAH Nice to see you in the flesh, Laughing Man. HERTZ No need to use codenames, Elijah. We're all friends here. And just to prove it, I brought you a little present. Hertz snaps his fingers and nods to a security guy, who produces a wriggling canvas sack. He dumps its contents onto the lab table--it's Stuey Gluck! His glasses come tumbling out after him. He squints at the security guy. STUEY Rick? Is that you? ELIJAH Who's the troll? HERTZ He was asking questions about Coogan, causing trouble. We figured he was one of yours. Stuey puts on his glasses. Elijah looks him up and down. ELIJAH I make freaks alright, but come on, fellas--this thing's pathetic. 82. STUEY Well you're no Julio Iglesias yourself, mister. (CALLS OUT) Rick! Riiiick! Riii-- INT. FREAK HOUSE Rick hears Stuey's voice in his head, all echoey. STUEY(V.0.) --iiiiiick! RICK Oh no, not now, Stuey! The ghostly image of STUEY gradually takes shape in front of Rick. Rick can make out the lab table Stuey's on, and some shadowy figures in the background. RICK (TO HIMSELF) Hey. That's Elijah's lab! (TO STUEY) Stuey! Are you really in the lab? INT. LAB Stuey is still wailing, and everybody else is getting pretty damn annoyed. STUEY Yes! I'm in the lab! I'm in the lab! ELIJAH Not only ugly, he's crazy too. Toad grabs Stuey and slaps a piece of tape over his mouth. He throws him into one of the chicken cages along the far wall. A two-headed chicken starts to peck at him. HERTZ So, where were we? ELIJAH Gentlemen, I'm not going to bullshit you. I know my setup here at Freakland looks like small potatoes. 83. He pulls the cover off a small scale model of Freakland, about ten inches high. It shows the stage, lab, outhouse, the head, everything. ELIJAH But thanks to your Noxon and my genius, tonight I will turn Ricky Coogan into a freak so hideous, it'll be enough to turn your stomach inside out, boil your brain in its own juice, and cause cold sores you thought had healed up to start buggin' you again. (the EES men shift UNCOMFORTABLY) It's the dawning of a new age for us all. Behold, Super Mega Freak World! He whisks the cover off another scale model--it's exactly the same as the little model except it's a lot bigger. ELIJAH (CONT'D) It's really somethin', huh? HERTZ (FEIGNS APPROVAL) Very impressive. ELIJAH We'll kick Disney's dead ass! INT. FREAK HOUSE Rick is watching all of this in a ghostly image. RICK Stuey! Stuey, can you hear me? Stuey's image, still with his mouth taped shut and the chicken pecking at him, nods yes. STUEY Mmm hmmm! RICK I want you to try and escape. Get the cup from underneath the instrument table and bring it to me, okay? STUEY (NODS) Mmmm mmmmm! 84. He gives Rick the old trademark Coogan thumbs up. Rick halfheartedly returns the gesture. RICK Yeah, right. Get movin'. INT. LAB Stuey checks to make sure nobody's watching him. They're not. He removes the spring from a pocket pen and picks the lock. Stuey searches the floor, and spots the Pepsi cup. He'll have to crawl through several pairs of legs to reach it. HERTZ At EES, our plans for your Gene Machine include everything, except shoes that is. Ha-ha-ha. ELIJAH Ha-ha. Gee, I'd love to see your plans. HERTZ We'd love to show you. (to his assistant) Bill, if you'd be so kind. BILL BLAZER, a slick and dashing EES marketing executive, strides confidently up to the podium. Stuey has to duck the fast approaching legs. Bill steps over him, not even noticing he's there. Bill takes Elijah's "Freak World" graphic off an easel, and replaces it with his own. Finding no place to deposit Elijah's, he simply drops it on the floor. Elijah looks a little hurt. BILL What does today's businessman want? How about a receptionist with six arms, five mouths, and a knockout figure? That'd sure speed things up, wouldn't it? With a big smile, Bill reveals an illustration of a multi- limb secretary (in a sexy dress) talking on three different phones, taking notes, and typing, all at once. Stuey heads towards the Pepsi cup. He brushes against the back of Hertz's legs. Hertz looks over at Elijah beside him, who smiles politely. Hertz smiles back, invitingly. Maybe there's a few things we don't know about him. 85. BILL In the factory, how 'bout a worker with twelve busy hands, no mouth to talk back, and no genitalia or digestive system to distract him from his work? (HE CHUCKLES) Sure! It's what we all dream of! The EES guys all nod along. Except for the workmen, who exchange worried looks. Elijah's still not sure what to make of it all. Meanwhile, Stuey has the Pepsi cup of sludge in hand, and he's crawling under the table towards the door. He brushes up against the back of Elijah's legs. Elijah looks over to Hertz, who gives him that smile again. Elijah looks away quickly, panicky. BILL (CONT'D) Well, with this Skuggs-based Noxon technology, it's not only possible, it's just the beginning! Of course, what happened to our expensive spokesman Ricky Coogan was an unfortunate coincidence, but profits from these new markets could total in the billions. All the executives turn to Hertz. He cracks a smile. HERTZ Ricky who? The executives laugh heartily. Stuey glances across the room to the door. He has to make a break for it, so he does. ELIJAH Hey! Hold on! Stuey freezes. He's right out in the open, in plain view. Still, nobody seems to see him. They're still watching- Bill's presentation. ELIJAH Secretaries? Worker drones? Where's the fun? Where's the spark? Where's the unspeakable evil? Bill laughs pleasantly. BILL Ha-ha. I was just getting to that. 86. Bill launches back into his speech with more intensity than even the best infomercials. Meanwhile, Stuey inches towards the door, moving as imperceptibly as possible. BILL We'll impact every field. COSMETICS--BREAST ENLARGEMENT creams, nosejobs in a bottle. Military--human death machines that make Schwarzenegger look like a pansy! And why stop at consumer products? Hell, we can design a whole new consumer! A few well placed drops in the water supply, and bingo! It's a new master race, and we own the copyright! An entire planet of freaks owned and operated by us! Every part of their bodies comes from an EES supplier, every thought they think is EES policy! From now on gentlemen, it's EES uber alles! EES uber alles! The EES guys clap and shout approval. Elijah's impressed too. He leans over to Hertz. ELIJAH This guy's good. HERTZ We lured him away from A.T.&T. Stuey is finally out the door. Of course, now they spot him. SECURITY GUY Look! The troll! HERTZ After him! EXT. LAB Stuey is outside the lab. Inexplicably, (actually it's just because he's so stupid) he's still moving inch by inch. He calls to Rick through the tape on his mouth. STUEY Mmm! Mmmmm! INT. FREAK HOUSE Rick sees the image of Stuey inching away from the lab. 87. RICK Take the tape off your mouth, idiot! They didn't tie your hands! Stuey realizes this is true, and pulls the tape off his mouth. STUEY I got the cup, Rick! RICK Great! There's no time to waste. Are you being followed? STUEY Yeah. But if I don't move, they won't see me. Two big EES security guys are standing watching Stuey's odd behavior. They pick him up and carry him away. STUEY Riiiick! Rick sees this all in his holographic image. It fades. RICK What a geek. He turns to the other freaks, who've woken up and are gathered around on the floor. Rick shakes his head. RICK Stuey got caught. There's no way to get the ointment before the show. WORM So, that's it then? We're all to die... And by your hand no less. RICK No. It won't be me. It's some inhuman monster Elijah used me to create. As for me, the real me, I'll always be your friend. Before I have to rip your heads off, I'd like to say goodbye to each of you. (He turns to Worm.) Worm... I'll miss your brains, the smell of your pipe, and the funny way you always go on talking until everyone wants to strangle you. He pats the Worm on the head tenderly, and turns to Cowboy. 88. COWBOY Hi, Rick. RICK Cowboy, I'll miss your good humor, your down-home wisdom, and of course, the frothy milkshakes were udderly delicious, heh-heh... He smiles and playfully tugs Cowboy's udder. He turns to the Bearded Lady. RICK Bearded... Lady... I dunno. We'll always have Paris... Bearded lady is kind of confused, Rick shrugs. RICK Nosey, I never really liked you. He moves on to Frog Man. RICK Frog Man, I think death is probably the best thing for you now. Frog Man nods in agreement. Rick rpaches JulieErnie. RICK Ernie... Julie... I have mixed feelings. (He turns to Ernie) On one hand, I'll remember you as the best friend a jerk like me ever had, and a low down repulsive slimeball. He turns to Julie. ROMANTIC MUSIC swells up. RICK (CONT'D) On the other hand, I really respect you, and more than that, I, uh, well, I wish we'd had the chance to boink. JULIE Oh, Rick... They embrace. Rick calls out to the assembled group. RICK Today I make the proudest boast a man can utter: "Ich bien ein Freak!" 89. They're all ready to cheer, but they're confused by his bad German. Rick has to explain himself. RICK Uh, I'm a freak. Oh. They all get it. Beat. Then they cheer. CUT TO: EXT..CARNIVAL TENT - NIGHT A huge banner reads "NEW IMPROVED BEAST BOY SLAUGHTERS HIS LOVED ONES! SPECIAL GUEST: FUNNYMAN DOM IRERRA! TONIGHT ONLY!". We can hear the sound of the crowd inside. INSIDE THE TENT There's a typically smallish crowd in addition to the EES executives who occupy the front seats. The security goons are strategically situated throughout the tent, and two of them sit on either side of Stuey in the second row. Elijah is onstage. ELIJAH And now the moment you've all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the lucky young man who's about to be become the monster with the mostest! Here he is, the Beast Boy! Toad pulls a rope and the curtain opens, revealing Rick strapped to an operating table. On stage left there's a large cage containing all the other freaks. Including the unconscious, half-naked Milk Man who Rick knocked out in the freak house. The Milk Man domes to, looks around in a panic, grabs the bars of the cage, and screams-- MILK MAN AAHHHH! WE'RE IN A ZOO! Rick searches the cheering audience for Stuey, who waves the Pepsi cup full of glop in the air. Rick hears Stuey's voice echo in his head telepathically. STUEY (V.0.) Rick! Over here! Stuey's waving cup is blocking the view of a big, annoyed BIKER sitting behind him. Elijah quiets the crowd and holds up a beaker of ointment. 90. ELIJAH With this remarkable ointment of my own design, I will now turn this half-finished ghoul into the ultimate super freak, dedicated to evil! Elijah puts on some rubber gloves and prepares to glop Rick, who squints under the spotlight, still searching for Stuey. He calls out telepathically. RICK (V.0.) Stuey! Where are you?! Stuey stands up on his seat and waves the cup, totally blocking the biker's view. He telepathically replies. STUEY (V.0.) Here I am, Rick! BIKER (TO STUEY) Goddammit, kid! Would you sit down!? The biker grabs the cup and dumps it over Stuey's head. The "good ointment" runs down all over Stuey's body. STUEY AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! All eyes turn to Stuey, who falls down and disappears onto the floor screaming. RICK Oh no! BIKER What the hell!? Suddenly an EIGHT FOOT TALL MONSTER VERSION OF STUEY leaps to its feet and snarls down at the biker. The biker pulls a switchblade and jams it into Stuey monster's leg--the blade crumples on his armor-like hide. Stuey grins and SLAM! He drives the biker into the ground like a railroad spike. He leaps onto the stage and stalks Elijah. STUEY MONSTER YOUR ASS IS MINE, SKUGGS! Rick and the freaks in the cage cheer stuey Monster on. ELIJAH Uh-oh, that kid looks pissed. EYE AND EYE! KILL HIM! 91. Eye and Eye rush the stage, Uzis firing. EYE AND EYE RASTAFARI! The bullets bounce off Stuey's hide. He doinks them with his big monster fingers and sends them flying through... THE TENT ROOF across the compound, and THWOPP! Into the Giant Head's eye sockets, where they spin around and come to a stop, cockeyed. CRASH! The head's foundation crumbles and it keels over backwards. INT. CARNIVAL TENT Elijah calls out to Toad. ELIJAH TOAD! Stuey Monster roars at Toad. Toad smiles weakly. THE TENT ROOF Toad catapults through it, follows the path of Eye and Eye across the compound and CRASH! Lands head first into the neck of the Giant Head. He gets up with the Giant Head stuck on his own head, making him look like one of those big headed caricatures. He runs blindly across the yard and into... THE ELECTRIC FENCE ZZZAAAAPPP! BOINNGG! Eye and Eye zing out of the sockets, and Toad's tongue sticks ten feet out of the Giant Head's mouth. It's the biggest Tex Avery cartoon take ever! ELIJAH looks worried. He scoops up some "evil ointment". ELIJAH Looks like it's time to roll out the big gun. (TO RICK) Sayonara, kiddo. Any last words? Rick considers it. He can't think of anything. RICK Nahh. 92. ELIJAH Suit yourself. He raises the ointment over Rick. Rick has an idea for a last word. RICK Wait! Wait! (Elijah pauses. Rick RECONSIDERS) Nahh. Elijah glops Rick. His skin starts to smoke. RICK AHHHHRRRGGG! Stuey Monster stalks Elijah onstage. Rick is smoking and shaking violently on the table. HERTZ turns to his EES cronies in the audience. He looks bored. HERTZ What a waste of twelve bucks. Let's get the machine and go. The other executives nod. RICK starts to transform. FWOOP! His ears spring out into huge monster ears, kinda like in Pinocchio. FWAAP! His mouth grows into a massive, Big Daddy Roth style monster mouth. FWEEP! His upper head does the same. His body follows suit. He bursts' out of the straps and grows into a drooling TEN FOOT TALL RICK MONSTER. He snarls at Stuey Monster. RICK MONSTER TIME TO DIE, TROLL! The crowd and the other freaks look on, tense. Stuey Monster instinctively whips out a Ricky Coogan publicity photo and a pen. STUEY MONSTER Rick! Rick! Could you sign this!? Rick Monster snarls and bashes Stuey Monster in the face. Stuey Monster jams the pen through the photo and snarls back. 93. THE CROWD FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Even Julie is screaming "Fight! Fight," beside herself with bloodthirsty glee. Ernie smacks her. The crowd goes nuts as the monsters trade a series of cliche pro-wrestling moves. Stuey bashes Rick. Rick bashes Stuey, etc. ELIJAH Give him the skull cracker, ya big goon! ERNIE No way! The skull cracker is an illegal move! Stuey grabs Rick's hair and marches him around the stage. The crowd is taking sides, screaming out advice, and foaming at their mouths. ELIJAH Let's get this over with. Hey Hertz, tell your goons to (he turns to Hertz and is STUNNED) What the hell-!? HERTZ stands in front of the a group of EES HARDHATS who are using forklifts to move the Tasty Freekz Machine towards the exit. He notices Elijah and taps his executive ASSISTANT. ASSISTANT (TO ELIJAH) Ahem. At this point in time we at EES regret that we must leave this performance prematurely. ELIJAH What are you saying!? HERTZ What we're saying is... get stuffed, yokel. ELIJAH I figured I couldn't trust you corporate greaseballs! Elijah turns to an alarm box on the wall which reads "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF DOUBLECROSSING CORPORATE GREASEBALLS." He breaks the glass and pulls the lever inside. 94. A trapdoor on the stage opens and a large chemical tank rises out of it. Elijah jumps into the seat of the gun turret nozzle atop the tank. He aims the nozzle at the EES group. ELIJAH Let me proudly introduce the latest in our product line, Noxon 25--now available in a convenient pump! HERTZ Bullshit! The Everything Except Shoes corporation releases no new products unless I give the order! ELIJAH I think it's time EES branched out a little. He presses the plunger and the nozzle spews a torrent of yellow glop on the EES people. They scream in agony as their bodies melt together into one big mutating blob. Alistair Cooke stands up in the audience--he's got a head bandage and a crutch from being trampled at the last show. ALISTAIR COOKE Ahhh! Head for the hills before he gets all of us! The crowd goes berserk and rushes the exits, trampling poor Cooke like a roach. RICK MONSTER flips Stuey onto the ground and starts stomping on him. Stuey is knocked out cold. Rick leaves him on the floor and stalks the freak cage murderously. RICK MONSTER NOW I RIP FREAKS TO PIECES! JIMIE No! We're your friends! RICK MONSTER Oh. NOW I RIP FRIENDS TO PIECES! He rips some bars off the cage and is about to spear JulieErnie with a jagged steel bar when Stuey Monster grabs his leg and trips him. Stuey summons all his remaining energy to wrestle Rick, delaying him, for the moment, from slaughtering the freaks. Meanwhile, Elijah is watching as THE EES BLOB 95. solidifies into... A GIANT SHOE made of living flesh. It's got eyeballs where the eyes should be, a tongue where the tongue should be, but it's helpless and immobile. Elijah looks at it with pride. He does his best Ed Sullivan IMPRESSION: ELIJAH Now that's a really, really big shoe. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hmmm, I think I'd like a pair of those! He swivels the nozzle turret towards the cage full of freaks and is about to glop them when Rick stands up above Stuey, blocking Elijah's trajectory at the freak cage. Rick raises the jagged bar above Stuey, ready to drive it down through his chest. ELIJAH (to Rick monster) Would you hurry up and waste the troll, please!? I got a lonely shoe over here! Rick Monster nods and drives the spear down when we... CUT TO: INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET Rick's silhouette (which matches his ten foot monster incarnation) is immersed in the story. RICK And then... KATHIE LEE Sorry to interrupt Rick, but you've been talking for almost ninety minutes, and we've just got to go to a commercial. RICK Sorry. REGIS We'll be right back after this, folks. CUT TO: 96. PRODUCT SHOT A fine array of different kinds of cheese on a chopping block. TOUGH VOICED ANNCR You like cheese. You like being a man. That's why you like.. A BURLY HAND swipes all the cheese off the block and slams down an aluminum can labeled "MACHEESMO." TOUGH VOICED ANNCR Macheesemo. Real cheese for real men. Now in a handy aluminum dispenser. The hand crushes the can and gooey yellow cheese squirts out the top. CUT TO: INT. REGIS & KATHIE LEE SHOW SET We hear a music bite from "Le Freak." KATHIE LEE And now back to the exciting conclusion of Ricky Coogan's incredible story. RICK Well, let's see, the other freaks were lined up in Elijah's sights, and I was about to shove a pipe through Stuey's skull, when all of a sudden, I heard a voice... DISSOLVE TO: INT. CARNIVAL TENT - NIGHT Rick stops the spear inches from Stuey's chest. Their eyes meet. ELIJAH Kill him! Kill him! Elijah's bloodthirsty goading fades away, and Cowboy's voice reverberates in Rick's head. 97. COWBOY (V.O.) I reckon that troll could help you if you just let him into your heart... your heart... your heart... The voice keeps echoing. A tear wells up in Rick Monster's eye. He looks over at Cowboy, who is actually calling out to him from the cage. COWBOY Your heart... your heart... your heart... Rick Monster loses his murderous glare. He breaks into a warm smile, throws the pipe away and helps Stuey Monster up. They hug. The rest of the Freaks cheer wildly. ERNIE Atta' boy Coog! (NUDGES WORM) Hey, ain't that somethin'? The Worm is gushing sentimentally. He tries to hide his tears. WORM Tosh. (Sniff) Sentimental claptrap (Sniff) Shameless, maudlin--Baaa! He can't hold it in anymore. He bawls like a baby. Meanwhile, Elijah is hopping mad. ELIJAH Cut the lovey-dovey bullshit, and start mutilating each other! He aims at Rick Monster and presses the fire button. The Glop starts to flow, but before it can make it out of the tip, Rick grabs hold of the nozzle, and twists it around to face Elijah. RICK Raarrrrrrgh! Elijah manages to duck just in time. A stream of yellow Noxon 25 glop flies over his shoulder, and lands in the DUNK TANK full of carbolic acid that sits off to one side of the tent. The acid and the Noxon mix together and bubble up menacingly. Elijah hops down out of the gunner's chair and squares off against Rick Monster. 98. Meanwhile, Stuey Monster has released the other freaks from the cage. They watch the confrontation from a distance. Elijah rolls up his sleeves. Rick growls and advances slowly. ELIJAH You think I made you strong? HA! I've cranked my DNA up so high, you won't know what hit you. I'm a wrecking machine! Aaaaaaa! He rushes at Rick and delivers a flurry of punches to his mid section. They have absolutely no effect. Rick brings one heavy fist slamming down on Elijah's head, stopping him cold. ELIJAH (WEAKLY) Ow! I think you crushed my spinal cord. I can't feel anything in my fingers. RICK Maybe you'll feel this ... Rick rears back to kick him. ELIJAH Qait--if you kill me, you'll never find the antidote. The freaks all perk up. Rick's skeptical. RICK What antidote? ELIJAH A time release serum--I baked it into a delicious batch of macaroons. A slow smile grows on the Freaks' faces, especially Rick's. RICK If you ask me, you skimped on the coconut! THWAK! Rick boots Elijah between the legs, sending him flying through the air. He lands on the DUNK TANK SEAT over the bubbling Noxon/Acid. Dazed, he looks at the bullseye target, and back at Rick. Summoning up his last ounce of bravado, Elijah makes a last stand. 99. ELIJAH Come on, Coogan! Come oooon! You haven't got the guts to kill me! Go on! I dare ya'! Rick ponders for a second. He looks over to Julie. Then... SCRAPPY Yap! Yap! RICK Scrappy! Scrappy the dog rushes in. He leaps up and presses the bullseye, dropping Elijah into the hideous mixture. ELIJAH AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! Elijah struggles in agony. His body bubbles and mutates in the thick toxic soup. He sinks lower and lower into the gunk, until he and his cries are buried for good. Scrappy leaps into Rick's arms and licks his face. SCRAPPY Yap! RICK Atta boy, Scrap! BLAM! BLAM! The tent flaps fly open and a half dozen FBI AGENTS rush in with guns drawn. FBI CHIEF Freeze, FBI! Another FBI GUY investigates the dunk tank, sees Elijah's hat floating on top of the bubbling ooze. ANOTHER FBI GUY Looks like they took care of Skuggs, chief. The chief nods. They put away their guns, and approach Rick and the rest of the jubilant freaks. CHIEF Nice work, Ricky. You'll get a medal from the Vice President for this. RICK Great. But how did you-- 100. CHIEF We've been following Skuggs for years. Scrappy just filled in some of the details. SCRAPPY Yap! FBI CHIEF Thank heavens you brought him to justice, Rick. God only knows how far his sick plans would've gone. ANOTHER FBI GUY Hey chief, look at this! The FBI guy has peeled the decal off the Pepsi machine, revealing that it's actually a Coke machine! The chief is sickened to the core. FBI CHIEF Is nothing sacred? Suddenly, the agents are distracted by a terrible scream. They turn to the dunk tank and are shocked by what they see. FBI CHIEF Oh, my Lord! RICK No! It can't be! We SWISH PAN over to reveal a DRIPPING BLOB climbing out of the dunk tank. The blob separates into two distinct entities with their backs to us. They turn around and...my God it's... it's.... REGIS AND KATHIE LEE! Or at least a damn fine mutant imitation of them. Call him/them ELIJUS and ELLY LEE. They both have glowing red demon eyes and speak in Elijah's voice. ELIJUS Thought you killed me, huh? ELLY LEE What the hell are you looking at? FBI CHIEF Two pieces of deadmeat! 101. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! The FBI guys open fire. We show only the horrified reactions of the freaks as they look on. CUT TO: INT. REGIS AND KATHIE LEE SET Rick, Regis, and Kathie Lee are still in silhouette. RICKY And that's my story. KATHIE LEE (YAWN) It was so exciting! REGIS And long! My God! It makes War and Peace sound like a warm up act! CREW GUY(O.S.) Okay! We got light! REGIS It's fixed? Well, it's about time! The lights come on--no more silhouettes. Ricky looks perfectly normal, his old self. His weird silhouette was caused by a potted plant and some strange hanging mobile behind him. RICKY That's better. REGIS I'll say. (TO AUDIENCE) How 'bout it, folks. Let's hear it for Ricky Coogan! The audience applauds and hoots wildly. KATHIE LEE Can we bring out the other freaks now? The audience cheers as the rest of the Freaks walk out from the wings, and stand off to the side waving to the audience. They all look clean cut and happy. They wear T-shirts with their former identities printed on them. "I was NOSEY," "I was COWBOY," "I was the BEARDED LADY" etc. Except the Worm, who's still a worm. His T-shirt says, "I'm Still THE WORM". 102. WORM Ridiculous... Just because a man doesn't like macaroons... Nonsense. Suddenly a squirrel runs across stage, followed by Juan. He pounces and catches the furry little bugger. JUAN Gotcha! Damn, it's about time! ALL THE EX-FREAKS (happy to see him) JUAN! JUAN Hey guys! Jeez! You look great! They all hug. REGIS That's just great. What a story. And what an ending! Elijah transformed by the goop! KATHIE LEE And he really looked like--? RICK Exactly like you two, I swear. Same faces, same outfits, except they had these really big, hideous feet... He looks down at Regis and KATHIE LEE's feet--they're big, hideous monster feet! Suddenly their eyes glow bright red-- It's Elijus and Elly Lee! They speak with Elijah's voice. ELIJUS Show's over, Ricky! ELLY LEE I'm gonna drink your blood! Elly Lee pulls a machete and is about to force it down on Rick's throat when... BANG! BANG! BANG! Elijus and Elly Lee's eyes go funny. They look at each other, spit up some blood, wave to the audience one last time, and collapse to the floor. Julie stands behind them, smoking gun in hand. She rushes to Rick. They embrace. JULIE Rick! It's finally over! 103. RICK Yes... Yes it is. STUEY(O.C.) Rick! Rick! Rick and Julie turn and see Stuey, still a ten foot tall monster, running towards them. He's carrying a garbage bag dripping blood. RICK Stuey! STUEY Look! I found the real Regis and Kathie Lee! Rick and Julie look at the bag, mortified. Stuey chuckles. STUEY (CONT'D) No, this is just my lunch! Rick and Julie sigh with relief. Stuey pulls out a similar leaking bag and holds it up. STUEY (matter of fact) This is Regis and Kathie Lee. Rick and Julie nod casually--"Oh." AUDIENCE Awwww! Suddenly Elijus and Elly Lee pop up from behind the couch, bloodied, but still fierce. They're about to stab Rick and Julie when... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Five more shots ring out and they fall dead--again. Ernie stands off to the side with a smoking gun. ERNIE Oh, like that wasn't totally predictable. JULIE Well, now it really is over. Sappy END OF THE MOVIE MUSIC wells up. RICK Thank God. You know, this adventure has taught me something. (MORE) 104. RICK(CONT'D) When man starts impinging on the subtle perfection of the earth's natural order, the only thing he'll create is havoc. ERNIE Right, Coog. I learned somethin' too. That men and women truly are equals. That the human spirit transcends gender and physical appearance, and thus it is immune to the petty degradations men may devise. I believe it was Moliere WHO SAID-- Julie's had enough. She socks Ernie square on the jaw. JULIE Oh, shut up. (She turns to Rick) Let's go fuck. Rick gives her the thumbs up. They turn to the audience. RICK/JULIE/ERNIE/STUEY MONSTER Good night, everybody! The audience cheers. The HIT SINGLE from the soundtrack album kicks in as we... ROLL CREDITS As the credits roll, and everybody continues to smile and wave at the cheering audience, Elijus and Elly Lee attack again. Ernie hands the gun to Stuey, who shoots them dead. Well, dead-ish. Seconds later, after some more waving, they attack again. This time Nosey and the Bearded Lady stab them to death, sort of. A little more waving, before Elijus and Elly Lee make another pathetic attempt. They can barely stand. Cowboy clubs one with a mic stand. Worm head-butts the other. A few seconds later, Elijus's bloodied hand gropes its way over the top of the studio couch. Stuey has to prop him up while members of the audience are invited down to punch him in the chops. Ernie stands off to the side, charging everyone five bucks per blow. As we fade, everyone's having a go flipping, throwing, kicking and impaling rag doll replicas of America's favorite morning show hosts. THE END?!

FRIGHT NIGHT Written by Marti Noxon EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD -- NIGHT FADE UP: Moving through a tract development. The houses are like Mexican food -- the basic elements are all the same, just mixed differently. A gloomy night, no moon. And a slightly ominous pattern emerges... Green, thriving lawns and meticulously tended homes abut brown yards and porches littered with old newspapers and pizza joint flyers. Each third or fourth house is FOR SALE or, worse, seemingly abandoned. This area is in danger of becoming a ghost town. A deep, commanding voice pierces the silence: VOICE (O.S.) Defy reason. Defy everything you know. Now we move in on one of the homes. Not the nicest on the block, but inhabited. Lights on in the windows. INT. SUBURBAN HOME/VARIOUS -- NIGHT Inside the house. A middle-class family lives here. The living room is empty, but the TV's on. ON THE TELEVISION A commercial for PETER VINCENT. A Las Vegas institution, he's a magician whose show is all Gothic, horror-movie imagery. Peter's wiry, hot -- a rock and roll bad boy. He's cutting a girl up with a chain saw. And grinning like a mad man. TELEVISION ANNOUNCER Peter Vincent's "FRIGHT NIGHT." The family DOG is up on the coffee table eating what's left of a fast food burger and fries, still in the box. TELEVISION ANNOUNCER (CONT'D) Something's moving in the dark. 2. Also on the table -- a role-playing game in progress. "Magic, the Gathering"... Elves and Wizards. TELEVISION ANNOUNCER (CONT'D) Only at The Hard Rock. Nightly Wednesday Through Sunday. Now we hear what at first sounds like a MUFFLED ARGUMENT coming from another room. DISTANT VOICE Get off her!! More voices yelling, something being thrown. An ugly domestic scene. We creep down a dark hall toward a cracked door, light seeps through the opening -- it SLAMS OPEN and ADAM, 17, crashes toward us. He's nice-looking, a little nerdy -- and he's in a blind terror. We get a glimpse of the horrible scene behind the door. A teen girl's room -- the sound of flesh ripping. We see a pale arm on the ground, shaking violently, as if something is tearing and tugging at the body attached to it. We bolt away with ADAM, who we now see is blood splattered, as he races UPSTAIRS. A PHONE CRADLE is ripped out of the wall, which Adam nearly falls over. INT. SUBURBAN HOME -- UPPER LANDING/BEDROOM -- NIGHT ADAM RACES INTO HIS PARENTS' ROOM. Another horrible glimpse - - his mother's body splayed across her frilly bed. Blood on pale pink sheets. ADAM goes to his FATHER'S SIDE OF THE BED and now we see Adam's father's body. His father was reaching for A GUN he'd hidden under the bed. ADAM gets down under the bed, desperately reaches for the gun. It's just beyond his grasp. ADAM Come on, come on, come on... He gets it. But the GUN HAS A GUN LOCK. Adam has to dig in his dead father's pockets for his keys. Adam starts to cry. 3. ADAM (CONT'D) Come on, come on! He finds them, struggles to unlock the gun with shaking hands. THE BED IS TURNED OVER in one violent throw. Adam is exposed. We see only a hint of the creature that looms over HIM -- Brutally strong, veins dark and visible under the skin... Human but not quite. Adam reacts in horror. He knows he's dead. HE's RIPPED OUT OF FRAME as we hear: DISC JOCKEY (O.S.) .we're looking at a nice day here in Clark County, hitting a season low of only 89 degrees... EXT. SHADOW HILLS - DAY MUSIC starts under the DISC JOCKEY as we LOOK DOWN FROM HIGH ABOVE at the SAME suburban neighborhood as before. In the daylight it seems nice. Charming, even. Pocket parks decorate almost every corner and kids ride bikes in the street. Mothers unload groceries. Neighbors chat. DISC JOCKEY (O.S.) .so get out there and enjoy this beautiful Wednesday, people. We SWOOP CLOSER and find that RADIO comes from a passing MINIVAN with those cutesy stick figure family decals on the rear window. The FOR SALE SIGNS and brown lawns don't seem nearly so foreboding now. We SWOOP UP AGAIN and see beyond Shadow Hills, past the WALL that encompasses it -- and become aware for the first time that the community is SURROUNDED BY FLAT, ARID DESERT. In the distance, we can just make out the glow of Las Vegas proper. It looks like a distant fantasy, a land-locked Pleasure Island. 4. EXT. STREET - DAY CLOSE ON: The wheels of a DIRT BIKE as it zooms down the street. WIDEN to see CHARLIE BREWSTER, who is PUSHING the bike as fast as he can. It STARTS, sputters -- then craps out. CHARLIE (to the bike/pissed) You want me to take you apart, huh? Charlie's 17 and has the slightly awkward feel of someone who just recently came into his body and good looks. He's a wry, thoughtful kid who's enjoying -- but not quite trusting -- a sudden surge in popularity. CHARLIE (CONT'D) (still talking to bike) I will. I'll sell you for parts. Don't think I won't-- Charlie stops, embarrassed. DORIS -- a neighbor -- watches him talk to his bike. Paused as she hauls her trash cans to the curb. She's super pretty in a wholesome way -- except for her ridiculous body. Stripper city. She nods to the bike, amused. DORIS Nothing doing, huh? CHARLIE The thing's got no ambition. (re: trash cans) Can I -- uh, give you a hand? DORIS I got it. Thanks. She walks away -- her sweatpants have the word "LUCKY" across the butt. He watches her go appreciatively. Doesn't notice his mom, JANE, struggling to pull their own cans to the curb. JANE Don't leer at the neighbors, kid. Jane, 40's, attractive and frazzled, wears a REAL ESTATE brokers blazer. Charlie wheels his bike back to the curb. 5. He and his mom have had an affectionate, teasing relationship which has only recently started to have more edge. CHARLIE She's the one who put a word on her butt. I'm just reading it. Jane eyes a LARGE DUMPSTER FULL OF CONCRETE that sits in front of their NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR'S YARD. JANE Is he ever going to move that thing? CHARLIE You need to get over it, Mom. JANE (WATCH IT) Attitude. (observes him/then) You've been tense or something. School? CHARLIE School's great, actually. JANE Amy? CHARLIE Good. Hasn't dumped me yet. He says this like he's surprised. Jane nods. Getting it. JANE That'll teach you to get so tall and handsome. (THEN) Getting what you want is stressful. Especially when you're not used to it. More to lose. CHARLIE Are you reading those books again? The Power of Whatever the Hell? She laughs. He glances at the DUMPSTER. CHARLIE (CONT'D) They're not working. You're still flipping out about a big box. 6. Now Jane moves to the open garage and starts loading OPEN HOUSE SIGNS into her trunk. Charlie stands there. She shoots him a look -- then he helps her load. JANE It's an eyesore. I'm trying to convince people to move in, not join the legions leaving town-- CHARLIE If you say "mortgage crisis" again I'm getting a new mom. JANE The guy moves in and puts a giant trash can in his yard! When the Perry's lived there-- Charlie has heard this before. It's a common refrain. CHARLIE The Perry's were the greatest neighbors ever. But they moved. I thought you were happy their place finally sold. JANE (back on the neighbor) He's not digging a pool. Where do you think all that concrete's coming from? CHARLIE You're spying on the guy now? JANE He's thirteen feet from our house. That's not spying, that's observing. A BEETLE CONVERTIBLE pulls up. AMY drives and her two hot friends, CARA and BEE, sit in the back. AMY Hi, Mrs. Brewster. JANE Hi honey. Hi girls. ANY, 16, is a stunner. And she's as cool as she is beautiful -- the girl every other guy in school would die to be with. 7. But Charlie is. And he can't believe his luck. Which puts him off his game. She makes him feel like he's always playing catch up. Charlie moves toward the VW. Jane calls after him. JANE (CONT'D) Oh hey -- Ed called. Again. CHARLIE Okay. JANE I'm tired of making excuses, Charlie. If you don't want to talk to him, would you please tell him? CHARLIE Kinda defeats the purpose. He gets to AMY and the girls. Amy glances at the dirt bike. AMY Still can't get the bike started, huh? CHARLIE Wow. No faith. AMY So you don't need a ride. Amy calls his bluff and starts to drive off. Charlie grabs his backpack and RACES after her. CHARLIE No, hey, stop-- She laughs, stops the car. Charlie tries to jump in and she drives again. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Come on! Hey!-- Charlie runs and finally dives into the back headfirst. The girls are laughing. ON JANE Watching them drive off, gone in a cloud of teen spirit. 8. INT/EXT. AMY'S CAR -- DAY The Beetle zips through a commercial strip. More suburban paradise. Charlie's in the front seat now. Amy drives, one hand on the wheel. Casually drops one on Charlie's leg. Charlie tries to act casual, but he's stoked and... amazed. Cara half-sleeps in the back while BEE leans forward, flirty, and eyes Charlie's COLORFUL PUMA SNEAKERS. Charlie's a sneakerhead, a serious collector. BEE Takes a man to wear purple, Chuck. AMY Charlie. BEE Chuck likes it when I call him Chuck, right Chuck? Intimidated by these girls, he tries to form a witty retort. CHARLIE It's -- they're not -- that's, like, puce? That's a macho puce. CARA Can you stop someplace? I'm severely under-caffeinated. AMY (ignores her/to Bee) Did you see the poster for the formal? The theme is "Hope"? BEE I know. They asked me to be on the committee again but I was like -- hope is completely 2008. Grow up. CHARLIE Did you suggest "Despair?" Nobody would see that coming. Or -- global warming? Everybody has to wear tin foil. AMY (laughs/to Charlie) Did you go last year? We basically did the whole thing, Bee and me. 9. CHARLIE (LIES) Me? I, ah, was in training that week. This big triatha-- BEE (cutting him off) Chuck was still under his rock. We're so glad you crawled out. CARA Caffeine!? Hello! CHARLIE I have Econ first period. Amy takes her hand off his leg. Charlie notices. CARA Charrrliiieeeee. CHARLIE (KILLING HIM) Okay. Yeah. It's no big deal. Amy PULLS into a coffee place. Parks. The girls climb out. CARA Thank you, Jesus. Amy catches Charlie looking at his watch, fidgeting. AMY You're not going to flunk for missing Econ, Brain. CHARLIE Brain? I -- what? No, I'm-- But she's already walking away. AMY Five minutes. He watches her move off, anxious and smitten. EXT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH -- COURTYARD -- DAY Charlie arrives with Amy, Cara and Bee -- all the girls now sport coffee drinks. Charlie has one too, with whipped cream and the works. 10. Kids stream into a nice, modern-looking high school. Amy takes Charlie's arm. AMY On time. You stress too much. CHARLIE I wasn't worried. AMY You were doing your worried thing. CHARLIE I was? I have a -- what's my-- MARK (O.S.) Ladies! A couple of handsome jock-type guys, MARK and BEN, roll up along side Charlie and the girls. They draw looks from other students as they move through the courtyard. The cool kids. BEE Doods. Looking massive. MARK (to Charlie/re: drink) Seriously? A Mochachino? You can't ride with the girls anymore. You let them brush your hair, My Pretty Pony? Mark grabs the cup away from him. Starts drinking it. BEE (takes his arm) Chuck's secure, aren't you? We see that Ben is also wearing PUMA's. Different design. It's a thing. Charlie shows his off -- he's secure. CHARLIE Puce. BEN Fuck yeah. AMY (TO CHARLIE) I have track after school, maybe we can hook up later? 11. CHARLIE Yeah. Hey. Come here. (pulls her aside/awkward) You know, the formal. Don't think I wasn't going to ask you, because I thought it was an obvious go. Together. Hope, puppies, kittens, the whole deal. You and me. AMY (NOT UNKIND) Oh, no. Please. Nobody goes to the dance senior year. She smiles, moves off. He watches her, lets out a breath. CHARLIE Right. I knew that. MARK and BEN enjoy the view as the girls move off. Wow. Mark, incredulous, says to Charlie: MARK Did you find a frickin' Genie lamp man? Make a sacrifice to the hot ass Gods? How do you get that? CHARLIE Game, my friend. Rock solid. Charlie moves off. And even though he's playing it off, we see that Mark's hit a nerve. This hot girlfriend thing is a bitch. Mark calls after him-- MARK You don't even have a car! INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY Later. Charlie's in Econ class. Seated in a back row near MARK and BEN. A number of seats in class are EMPTY. TEACHER Ben Wegner? BEN Here. TEACHER Adam Noris? Nothing. Teacher looks around. 12. TEACHER (CONT'D) Adam? (marks chart/then) Courtney Heuer? A girl raises her hand. Charlie, bored, idly checks out the class. Stops when he sees a tweaked-looking kid, ED, staring at him. EVIL ED is a slight, faintly punk-looking kid who's been picked on by bullies his whole life. He's hyper-intelligent, hyper-critical and... just hyper. And his binder is covered with COMIC BOOK STICKERS. TEACHER (CONT'D) Nick Straley? (NOTHING) Nick? Ed sees that he's caught Charlie's eye. Nods significantly at him. Like -- "you know and I know..." Charlie looks away. As if he didn't see him. INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY Charlie, Mark and Ben move down the hall. Mark shows Charlie a picture on his phone. A woman posing seductively. MARK Miss Granada. Geometry. CHARLIE Holy crap. Where did you get that? MARK She's hard up, man. Equations don't keep you warm at night. They stop, see EVIL ED approaching. This amuses Mark and Ben. But Charlie's uncomfortable -- wants to bolt. BEN I think "it's" going to talk to us. ED (TO CHARLIE) I need a minute. MARK "It's" going to talk to Brewster. 13. BEN (TO ED) When are you going to get the message? We don't know you-- ED (RE: CHARLIE) He does. Or did. Before the summer and his Jock Lobotomy. CHARLIE (to Ed/uncomfortable) What's the deal, man? ED Alone. Ed stares Charlie down. A beat. Ben and Mark bust out laughing. Mark looks at Charlie. MARK Just the two of you. That's sweet. He can school you in the ways of geek-douchery. ED It's important. "Brewster." The way Ed says his name is enough to propel Charlie into action. He grabs Ed and pulls him aside. Mark and Ben watch with interest -- out of earshot. Ed's tone is dire, serious as a heart attack. ED (CONT'D) Adam's missing. Charlie's looking around, self-conscious. CHARLIE What do you mean, he's missing? ED I keep trying him -- nothing. No texts, no phone. And he's not the only one who's gone. You heard roll call. CHARLIE So kids aren't coming to school. What do you want me to do about it? 14. ED Meet me at his house after school. We'll check around. See what's up, if he's okay. CHARLIE I can't after school. I'm busy. ED I don't think you get what I'm TELLING YOU-- CHARLIE Look, do we have to do this here? Ed can't believe it. Charlie's totally blowing him off. He starts to lose it, raises his voice-- ED What, am I not even suppose to speak to you now?-- CHARLIE Keep it down. Don't spaz-- ED It's so horrible! Crossing the streams! Will High School as we know it cease to exist?! Ed glances at Mark and Ben, who still watch from a distance. ED (CONT'D) You want me to tell your pals how well we know each other? The Lego contests, the Farscape conventions, THE COSTUMES-- CHARLIE UIET-- ED Or how your first sexual experience was with an Electra figurine-- CHARLIE No. No. ED Then be my backup. CHARLIE (DEFEATED) Fine. Adam's after school. 15. ED Don't be late. Moves off. Charlie sees the guys watching him. A beat. He shrugs like "I have no idea what that was about..." FADE TO: EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT LAWN -- DUSK The sun has set behind the mountains. It's gloomy gray out, right before dark. Charlie and AMY park, climb out of her car with drinks from PLANET SMOOTHIE in hand. She's still in her track and field clothes. Looks tough. AMY You know what I want? For dinner? CHARLIE You're eating right now, you know. As you speak. You literally just forced me to get you a smoothie so large they named a planet after it-- AMY (LAUGHS) I ran six miles. What did you do? CHARLIE I -- watched you. But not in a creepy way. Charlie winces a little. It sounds creepy. AMY So don't judge. You don't want me to burn my big ole' booty off, do you? Charlie, on impulse, stops her -- kisses her. AMY (CONT'D) What was that for? CHARLIE I don't know you're just... AMY What? 16. CHARLIE (PERFECT) Nothing. A sweet moment. These two have a definite thing. It's real. They're about to kiss again when JANE'S GIRLISH LAUGH stops them. They both turn and REACT AS THEY SEE... A MUSCLED MALE, SQUATTING AND HUNCHED-OVER -- clad only in a white wife-beater and jeans. We can't make out his face. Jane stands over him, laughing at something he's said as he FIXES their sprinkler. PUSH IN as the guy looks up. This is JERRY. 30's. Handsome to the point of devastating. An all-American Adonis. AMY Wow. CHARLIE Look at Mom. She'sâ AMY Damn right. If he followed her home, you have to let her keep him. Amy laughs -- almost skips toward them, milking the moment. EXT. ADAM'S HOUSE -- DUSK ED paces anxiously in front of ADAM'S HOUSE. He has a duffle bag over his shoulder. Keeps checking his phone. He finally dials in a number. Talks-- ADAM Charlie. I'm in front of Adam's. Remember the videos we all made back when? You and me and Adam, bro? In tights. Want your pals to get a load of that? EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT LAWN -- DUSK Amy and Charlie approach Jane and Jerry. They overhear-- JANE .so not a pool, what's the work you're doing? 17. Jerry has an easy-going way about him. An inviting charm. JERRY Foundation problems. I had to rip up half the basement. JANE These houses were built practically overnight. I'm never surprised when they come apart. JERRY (RE: SPRINKLER) Done. Just needed a new stem. Jane sees Charlie and Amy approaching. And gaping. JANE Jerry, this is my son Charlie. And his -- do we say girlfriend now? CHARLIE (EMBARRASSED) I guess. I mean -- only if she's-- Amy's amused at Charlie's squirming, finally saves him. AMY (shakes Jerry's hand) Hi. I'm Amy. He can't help but give Amy an appreciative once-over. She enjoys it, but pulls away and moves closer to Charlie. Charlie notices the exchange -- the way this dude oozes manliness. Doesn't like it one bit. He shakes Jerry's hand a little too firmly. Lowers his voice a bit. CHARLIE Hey. JANE Jerry's our new neighbor. The Perry place. He's "handy." AMY (looks to Charlie, smiles) No kidding. JERRY Sorry about the mess, man. I was just telling your mom I'll have the dumpster gone next week. 18. CHARLIE Doesn't bother me. JANE Jerry does night construction on the strip. JERRY (noticing Charlie's shoes) You play ball? I'm always looking for a pick up game. CHARLIE (BLUFFING) Now and then, you know. JANE It's more of a collector thing. The shoes. He's obsessed. (to Jerry/"those teens") They sleep on sidewalks to get them. Charlie looks at Jane, thanks for embarrassing me. JERRY Well -- they're bold. I like them. Jerry looks back at Jane. A little flirtatious. JERRY (CONT'D) So... I'd ask you guys inside, but it's a mess. I've been meaning to. JANE Be neighborly. JERRY A drink, something. It hangs there, waiting for an invitation. Jane just smiles. JERRY (CONT'D) Soon, okay? JANE You bet. And thank you so much. For the help. JERRY Least I could do. Jane, Amy and Charlie walk toward the house. Jerry moves off. Amy looks at Jane, amazed. 19. AMY Why did you blow him off? Oh my God! JANE A guy that good-looking, still single? Bad bet. He's a player. CHARLIE (IMPRESSED) Mom. Breaking it down. JANE I've had enough man trouble. I'm not getting suckered again. Amy and Charlie meet eyes. That was loaded. Jane notices. JANE (CONT'D) Don't listen to me. Jaded old BROAD-- CHARLIE MOM-- Charlie's PHONE buzzes. He checks it. ON THE PHONE A VIDEO CLIP from ED. TITLED "KID COMEBACK and SUPER SQUID!" It shows Charlie, Ed and Adam when they were younger, prancing around in homemade costumes and, indeed, tights. The text message says "10 MINUTES -- OR THIS IS GOING WIDE!" ON CHARLIE CHARLIE (CONT'D) (alarmed/to Amy) Wow. Okay. I gotta go. Sorry. Call you later. AMY Now? JANE I have dinner on-- CHARLIE I gotta go. I'll eat later. JANE Charlie! 20. But Charlie's already off and running. EXT. ADAM'S HOUSE -- DUSK Charlie approaches, sees ED pacing in front of the house. He's flipping out. ED Where the hell have you been? CHARLIE You said after school, chill out! Ed is already lugging his big duffle to Adam's front door. ED Right after! It's dusk, dude, you know what that means!? CHARLIE That the sun's gone down. What's THE BIG-- Over him, Ed knocks loudly. Rings the bell. ED Hey! Anybody home? A long pause. Nothing. CHARLIE Not here. Let's go-- But Ed's already heading around the house with the duffle. INT. ADAM'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DUSK Ed wriggles in through the DOG DOOR. He turns, lets Charlie in. Charlie looks around. CHARLIE This is nuts. It's the SAME HOUSE we saw in the opening, but completely righted. TV is off, the walls are clean. Furniture in it's proper place. It's perfect. They move into the house. Ed is wired, scared. 21 ED Hello? Ed and Charlie here! (TO CHARLIE) Come on. Charlie follows him in. Resigned and placating. CHARLIE Okay. Fine. Ed opens his duffle bag. Inside are CROSSES, STAKES, HOLY WATER, even a small AX. ED Take this. Ed hands Charlie a STAKE. Charlie eyes it, incredulous. CHARLIE You've got to be kidding me. Ed stops. This is it. ED I hate to tell you this but that guy, your neighbor. (DEAD SERIOUS) He's a vampire. One of the undead. CHARLIE My neighbor. Next door. ED Yeah. CHARLIE I just met him. Jerry. ED Jerry. A beat. CHARLIE That's a terrible vampire name. "Jerry." Seriously-- ED I didn't name him, man, I'm just reporting the facts! Ed moves UP THE STAIRS. Charlie reluctantly follows. It's darker up here. Lights off. 22. CHARLIE Come on, this is a gag -- right? Ed's barely listening -- cautious. Every shadow is potential death. Total shmuck bait... ED Hey! Anybody here? They pass the empty MASTER BEDROOM -- where we saw ADAM's parents slaughtered. Now its clean and empty. Then Ed turns into ADAM's room. It's full of geekery. Action figures, the like. Charlie sticks behind him. The guys don't register the mostly obscured form of SOMEBODY HIDING BEHIND the door. A LARGE MALE figure. Ed catches sight of the guy, and SPINS toward it, freaked. Charlie also reacts, scared. ED (CONT'D) Get back, demon! Ed thrusts his cross forward which knocks the door open, toppling A MOVIE CHARACTER STANDEE. A beat. Then Ed lets out a slightly manic laugh. ED (CONT'D) Ha! I killed that sucker dead! CHARLIE (ANGRY) They're not here, okay? They left town. His dad was a deadbeat-- Ed pulls a MAP out of his pocket. It has lots of red and black DOTS marked on it. He thrusts it at Charlie. ED No, see, it's not just them. It started -- there was this thing on Channel 13, a lady escaped an attacker who tried to bite her. Ed points to the RED DOTS on his chart. They form a loose circle around CHARLIE'S house. ED (CONT'D) Adam and me, we graphed the attack, the disappearances. Whole families, gone. (MORE) 23 ED (CONT'D) And that's you guys at the center, see? His windows are totally BLACKED OUT-- CHARLIE There's a ton of houses like that. People work nights on the strip-- ED But every window? No. I've been watching him. It all fits-- CHARLIE That Jerry's a Dracula. ED No. Dracula is a specific vampire. I'M SAYING-- CHARLIE I know what you're saying! I'm mocking you. You've been reading too much Twilight-- ED Fiction, okay? This is real. A real monster. And he's not brooding. Or lovesick. Or noble. He's the fucking shark from JAWS. He feeds, he kills, and he doesn't move on until everyone around him is dead. (MOST EMPHATIC) And that book SUCKS. Charlie can't help but pause. Ed's conviction is so real. But he shakes it off. CHARLIE COME ON-- ED What about your neighbors, the Perrys? He moved into their house. Haven't seen them around, have you? CHARLIE Yeah, in San Diego like a month ago! ED Exception, proves the rule. You haven't asked him in, have you? He can't get in without an invitation. 24 CHARLIE No, but-- ED Your mom? Lonely divorcee... CHARLIE You're on drugs. ED No! Well, yeah... I thought you'd take my word, but I have evidence at home. Hard evidence. Charlie stops fighting it and humors him. Ed's lost it. CHARLIE Yeah. Okay. ED (INTENSE) We have to stake him in his nest. You and me. Not now, it's dark. CHARLIE Right. Cause he's nocturnal. ED Just for -- okay -- for a minute pretend you're not a douche now-- CHARLIE Look, Ed, this stuff, it was fun when we were eight-- ED SIXTEEN-- CHARLIE (LOSING IT) Whatever! I grew up, okay? You don't want to, fine. But don't get an attitude because I'd rather have a life than make shit up! Ed stops. Stung. ED Right. Got it. You're soooo cool "Brewster." Go ahead, join the Clark High early-peakers. This is the pinnacle for them. And that includes your girl-- 25. CHARLIE Shut up. ED Undeniably doable, but we used to make fun of her and her pals, remember? They're bimbos-- CHARLIE Shut up! Charlie barely refrains from hitting Ed. Instead he shoves him away. Ed stumbles. Falls. He looks up at Charlie, genuinely hurt and desperate. ED Adam's gone -- you act like it has nothing to do with you. (THEN/PAINED) We were inseparable, man. CHARLIE Yeah. And you know when I got popular? The minute I stopped hanging out with you. Charlie takes off. Ed watches him go. FADE TO: EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS/VARIOUS -- NIGHT A while later. It's REALLY DARK now. Ed, gripping his duffle bag nervously, skates down a residential street. Houses here are spaced far apart and the lights in many of them are off. Ed is anxious, watchful. He knows it's not safe. Every dark corner is potentially the end of him. A few cars pass. Something moves behind him. Footsteps GAINING. Ed abandons his skateboard and BOLTS. A hand SLAMS on his shoulder, spins him around. IT's MARK, Charlie's pal from school. MARK You crossed my yard. Tracked your nerdjuice all over it. 26. ED Sorry. Sorry-- MARK My mom works hard on that shit, MORON-- Ed glances around nervously, it's dark and anything... else could be out there. ED Can you just hit me? I don't have time for the build up. (he steels himself) Go. MARK Seriously? ED Jesus, man! Just do it! Fine. Mark winds up and SWINGS -- a brutal blow. Ed DUCKS and runs. Mark's immediately on his heels. The guys dodge and dart through the neighborhood. But Ed has experience in the art of losing bullies and he manages to shake Mark for a moment. Ed scrambles over a wooden fence, but his DUFFLE BAG GETS CAUGHT ON TOP. Most of his vamp hunting stuff SPILLS over on the OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE. ED (CONT'D) Crap. Crap! There's not time to get the stuff. He can hear Mark approaching in the dark. He drops into a neighbor's backyard. EXT. BACKYARD -- NIGHT ED spins and slams right into MARK -- no, it's JERRY. Ed falls back and scrambles away, terrified. ED (CONT'D) Get away! I'm armed mother fucker! Jerry moves after Ed, angry but controlled. More like a man than a monster. 27. EXT. FENCE -- NIGHT Mark pulls up on the other side of the wood fence. Sees Ed's VAMP HUNTING STUFF on the ground, laughs. MARK Unbelievable. A beat, Mark glances at the high fence. Decides he's done. He kicks some of Ed's stuff as he moves off. EXT. BACKYARD -- NIGHT Ed trips over kid's toys and bikes as he runs to the house. There's a porch light on over the back door. ED (pounding on door) Hey! Let me in! Please! But there's no answer. Ed is desperate, Sees Jerry closing in, walking across the backyard. Ed takes a ROCK and smashes the window over the kitchen sink. INT. HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- NIGHT Ed falls through the window into the kitchen. Looks out. JERRY stalks toward him. All hulking menace. But Ed's safe now. Calls out-- ED Forget it sucker! No invite! BAM! Jerry kicks in the kitchen door. Ed, terrified, falls back. JERRY Abandoned. I thought you did your homework. ED -- what? JERRY You've been watching me. I've been watching you. Seems fair. Ed BOLTS into the house. 28. INT. HOUSE -- VARIOUS -- NIGHT As he races through the empty rooms he pulls a stake from his pocket. We see he's wearing a cross around his neck on a long chain. JERRY's following, but barely breaking a sweat. Ed sees A SLIDING GLASS DOOR to the back. He fumbles with the lock, gets it open and runs into the backyard. EXT. BACKYARD -- NIGHT Ed races for the back gate-- AND SUDDENLY JERKS TO A STOP. Jerry has him by the back of the CROSS he's wearing. Ed's lifted WAY off his feet by the CHAIN, until he's choking on it, the cross directly under his neck. JERRY looks away as he SNAPS the chain off Ed and HURLS the cross into the neighbor's POOL. Ed falls to the ground, watches the cross sink in despair. Jerry's standing over him. Smiles a little. We get just a flash -- he suddenly has MORE TEETH, sharper, in rows. It's chilling. JERRY Bit off more than you can chew. Shaking, terrified, Ed brandishes the STAKE. ED We'll see, man. I know my shit. But Jerry doesn't appear to be afraid. He looks at Ed with actual sympathy. JERRY Really? Who's going to believe you? You see the truth, but what good is it when you're alone? Ed's shaken -- but still grips the stake. Holding on. ED Don't play that stuff. That mind crap. Come on -- try me. Try me! 29. JERRY You say you're glad you're different. But how can you be in a place like this? These people... Even your best friend. You're nothing to him now. Ed's listening despite himself, hurting now. Jerry moves a step in. Ed raises his stake again -- but with slightly less conviction. ED Get back! JERRY It can be over. I can make all that pain go away. Ed's fighting tears. Life as he knows it is gone. ED No... JERRY You were born for this and you know it. Your "life", what you had? That's the illusion. (off Ed's silence) I can take you somewhere great. Somewhere you'll belong. Ed takes this in. His eyes clear a bit. Is it...hope? JERRY (CONT'D) It's a gift. And Jerry moves closer, blocking our view. CUT TO BLACK: FADE UP ON: EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- DAY A new day. Sunny and hot. A truck moves the DUMPSTER from Jerry's house. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DAY Through the kitchen window, Jane watches the DUMPSTER drive away. She's pleased, a little surprised. Says to herself... 30. JANE Good on his word. A knock at the door. It's Amy. She lets herself in. AMY Morning. Charlie? JANE You try. My voice seems to be on some frequency he can't hear. AMY CHARLIE! CHARLIE (O.S.) Coming! Amy looks at Jane, who shakes her head. Amy moves to the island. Grins a little. AMY Talk to Hot Neighbor again? You should facebook him. JANE (shakes her head) Temptress. I'm resolved. Charlie runs down. Wet from the shower, discombobulated. pecks Amy, grabs food off a plate. He's out of sorts. AMY Oversleep? CHARLIE Didn't. (off her look) Weird dreams. Charlie gives Jane a quick peck and follows Amy out. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT YARD -- DAY Amy and Charlie head to the car. Charlie turns -- looks back at JERRY'S HOUSE. The blacked out windows... AMY What? Charlie snaps out of it. It's crazy to even entertain Ed's theories. 31 CHARLIE Nothing. That guy was such a tool. AMY (HUMORING HIM) Totally. Poser. She gets in the car. Smiles a little. FADE TO: INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY Charlie's in class. He's restless, agitated. On his pad, he absently draws VAMPIRE images, blood... TEACHER Sally Cabella? SALLY Here. TEACHER Ed Lee? Nothing. Charlie looks up. TEACHER (CONT'D) Edward Lee? Charlie looks around. No Ed. And just like he said -- quite a few other kids are missing. Charlie takes this in, looks around. ABOVE CHARLIE SEATS ALL AROUND HIM ARE EMPTY. This time it makes an impact. EXT. BASEBALL FIELD -- DAY Charlie, Mark, Ben and the rest of the guys get ready for practice. Mark's in the middle of a story, but Charlie is distracted -- barely listening. MARK .she's wearing a jumpsuit, dude. Like -- one zip and POP! CHARLIE Huh. 32 MARK What's up with you? Dreaming about your little boyfriend? Charlie takes this in, worried. CHARLIE You see him around today? Ed? BEN I don't track "it's" whereabouts. What did he want, anyway? CHARLIE Nothing. Homework stuff. But Charlie's clearly distracted. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Look, I have to go. MARK Now? You're ditching? I'll bail with you. CHARLIE No -- I'm -- I don't feel so well. He takes off. Ben and Mark watch him, perplexed. EXT. ED'S HOUSE -- DAY Another suburban development. Rows and rows of red tile roofs, houses stacked right on top of one another... Charlie rings the bell of a modest place. Not as big as where Charlie and Jane live. But nice, well-tended for. ED's mom, VICTORIA, answers. She's surprised to see him. VICTORIA Charlie! CHARLIE Yeah, Hi Mrs. Lee. Victoria breaks into a wide smile. VICTORIA God you're a sight for sore eyes. 33. INT. ED'S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Victoria pulls Charlie in and hugs him, happy. Calls out-- VICTORIA Rick! Charlie's here! (TO CHARLIE) Look at you. So handsome! CHARLIE Oh, I -- you don't have to-- Now RICK, Ed's dad comes into the room. Shakes his hand. RICK Ed said you'd sprouted. And you're, the-- Rick awkwardly gestures around his face. CHARLIE Cleared up. Yes sir-- VICTORIA Ed will be so sorry he missed you, But -- you should both be in school now, shouldn't you? CHARLIE He's not here? Did you see him today? RICK He's usually up and out early. Everything okay? CHARLIE No, sure. We're working on a class project. I guess we crossed paths. VICTORIA I'm so glad you're doing that. Ed, he'd be mad that I said so, but he talks about you all the time. This lands hard on Charlie. How remiss he's been. CHARLIE Yeah. That's... He's great. (THEN) Would it be okay if I went upstairs? Ed has a book we need. 34. VICTORIA Of course. Make yourself at home. Charlie goes upstairs. Victoria makes a face at Rick -- "that's good!" They're both pleased. INT. ED'S ROOM -- DAY Ed's room is a shrine to comic books, horror and fantasy movies. There's an art table where Ed has been working on some illustrations for a noir-style graphic novel. Charlie stops and looks at them. They're fantastic. He looks at the photos on the wall -- including a few pictures of Ed, Charlie and Adam when they were friends. CLOSE ON A PHOTO Charlie and Ed, arms around each other. Charlie is shorter and thinner -- with really bad acne. Not cute. WAY not. ON CHARLIE Ouch. Best not to dwell. He turns and sees-- PETER VINCENT'S "FRIGHT NIGHT" POSTER on a wall. Charlie takes it in, laughs a little. Then Charlie examines a WHOLE WALL devoted to Ed's investigation of Jerry. Maps, news reports, vampire lore printed off the internet, books, etc. If you didn't know the difference, you'd say it's just more of Ed's fictional world. Charlie stares at it all for a beat. Then shakes his head. It's all a fantasy -- nothing more. CHARLIE This is crazy. He starts to take off. But sees that Ed's computer is on -- and one file stands out. "THE JERRY DIARIES." Charlie gives in to his curiosity -- clicks it open -- finds a bunch of Quicktime files. He opens one. Stops. CLOSE ON COMPUTER 35. As BLURRY short clips play: Jerry's truck, in motion but it looks like NOBODY'S DRIVING IT. DORIS the neighbor chatting on Jerry's lawn -- with nobody. Over and over, it's appears that JERRY DOESN'T SHOW UP on video. OFF CHARLIE Taking this in. Chilled. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- NIGHT It's dark as Charlie comes home. He looks warily at Jerry's house as he searches for his keys. BAM -- he walks right into JERRY. JERRY Hey guy. Charlie tries to maintain his cool. What if Jerry is what Ed thought? Impossible, but... CHARLIE Hey. Guy. JERRY You could really do me a solid. CHARLIE Yeah? What kind. JERRY I have a girl on her way over for a beer, and I'm totally out of beer. They're at Charlie's back door, the one that leads to the kitchen. CHARLIE Bummer. JERRY Set me up, I'll pay you back two times. A sixer for your mom, and one for you. CHARLIE Uh, yeah, sure. 36. Jerry watches Charlie as he unlocks the door. This is when Charlie should invite him in. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Let me see what Mom's got. She's kind of a "light domestic".. .mom. Charlie steps inside. Pointedly DOESN'T ask Jerry to enter. Charlie intentionally leaves the door open, moves to the refrigerator. But keeps his eyes on Jerry. If he steps in, uninvited, Ed's theory is blown. JERRY Nice kitchen. Same floor plan as my place, huh? Jerry leans against the door jamb -- BUT DOES NOT CROSS THE THRESHOLD. Charlie observes this. Holy shit. Charlie and Jerry MEET EYES. Then a cold smile creeps over Jerry's face. Charlie fumbles, lets one of the wet beers slide from his hand -- it hits the ground, explodes. CHARLIE Fuck! JERRY Can I help you with that? CHARLIE No! No. Thanks. I'll get it. Jerry takes in Charlie's frantic refusal. Now he's darkly certain. He's been made. Charlie tosses the broken bottle into the sink. Moves to the doorway with the remaining beers. Charlie hands them over the threshold. But doesn't cross. CHARLIE (CONT'D) There you go. Uh...party down. Jerry watches him, intense. His tone shifts -- cocky and intimidating. A threat disguised as "guy talk." JERRY This girl tonight -- she's a handful. You know. (MORE) 37. JERRY (CONT'D) Women who look a certain way, they need to be managed. CHARLIE Yeah. JERRY You don't mind my saying, you got a lot on your shoulders for a kid. Your pal, Amy? She's ripe. Must be a line of guys dying to pluck that. Your mom too -- you don't see it, maybe you do -- she's giving it off. It's on you to watch out for them. You up for that? Charlie's burning. But holds himself in check. CHARLIE I think I can manage. JERRY Good. Cause there are bad people out there, man. Better keep an eye on your women. Jerry backs away, intimidating even as he retreats. JERRY (CONT'D) Thanks for the beers. Charlie watches him move into the dark. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - CHARLIE'S ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie bursts into his room, freaked out -- races to the window. His room is free of all geekery. Now it's all sports and sneakerhead stuff. AMY's there -- on his bed and surrounded by school books. She's reading Wuthering Heights. AMY Where've you been? You told me to meet you here an hour ago. CHARLIE'S POV Jerry's nowhere to be seen and his house is quiet. Lights on behind BLACKED OUT WINDOWS. 38. AMY (CONT'D) Hello? Charlie breaks away from the window. It's an effort. His focus is still half there, even as he tries to talk to Amy. CHARLIE Sorry. You okay? Everything okay? He checks his phone. Checks for anything from ED. Nothing. AMY Yeah. Why shouldn't it be? CHARLIE No, it should. Nothing. AMY (re: her book) You ever read this? It's good. Sexy, actually. Amy moves to Charlie. Puts her arms around him. AMY (CONT'D) In a frustrated, unconsummated sort of way. CHARLIE Like us, you mean. Amy laughs, pulls him onto the bed. She's feeling frisky. AMY Kinda makes it hotter. CHARLIE Yeah, so you keep saying. He smiles a little. She kisses him. But feels his distance. AMY Am I boring you? What's up? CHARLIE What? No. I'm kind of wiped out, that's all. AMY I can fix that. She kisses him again. Despite himself, Charlie gets drawn in and turned on. She pulls back, serious. 39. AMY (CONT'D) Want to get under the covers? CHARLIE -- now? Seriously? AMY Calm down. Let's just... see how it goes. Charlie's dying inside. Now?! Could not be a worse time. CHARLIE Believeme when I say--thereis nothing in the worldI'dratherdo BUT-- AMY Charlie. Don't be nervous. She kisses him again. It's intense, passionate. Charlie weakens a little. Maybe death and mayhem can wait... Amy moves to take off her top. Oh. My. God-- DING DONG. Somebody is ringing the bell at Jerry's. Charlie stops. Practically tosses Amy off him. CHARLIE You hear that? He rushes to the window. Looks outside. CHARLIE'S POV DORIS is at Jerry's front door. Holding a bottle of wine. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Shit. AMY What? JERRY comes to the door. He and Doris start chatting. She's flirting up a storm. CHARLIE Shit, shit, shit-- Amy sees what Charlie sees. Shrugs. AMY He's hot. She's a stripper. They were bound to find each other. 40. CHARLIE GO-GO DANCER-- AMY Take away two tiny pieces of cloth, stripper. (LIGHTLY) You jealous? CHARLIE What? No-- Jerry is showing Doris in when he stops-and looks DIRECTLY AT CHARLIE. It's chilling. Charlie DIVES away from the window, grabbing Amy and pulling her down too. CHARLIE (CONT'D) He looked right at us. AMY Maybe. Not a big deal-- Charlie's freaked now. Doris is IN THERE. CHARLIE No, it is a big. A very big. He saw us and he was pissed. AMY Okay... Amy moves away. Looking at him skeptically. AMY (CONT'D) If you're not into this, say so. Don't do me any favors. CHARLIE What? No! I am, I totally am. just -- I don't trust that guy. He glances out the window again. Amy's irritated, not used to having her passes rejected. She gathers her stuff. AMY I'm going. CHARLIE Amy. Don't-- 41. AMY No. You've got your neighborhood watch thing. CHARLIE Come on, don't be that way-- But she's gone. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Crap! A beat. Charlie's torn -- he should go after her. But Doris's muted LAUGH from the other house draws his attention. He looks again at Jerry's house. He can see faint shadows moving behind the windows in the house, like ghosts. Charlie's conflicted, freaked -- what can he do? He picks up the phone. Dials 911. Then thinks better of it. Hangs up. Finally -- he stops at the window, eyes on JERRY'S PLACE. Listening and watching intently. Keeping sentry. FADE TO: INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- CHARLIE'S ROOM -- NIGHT Later. Charlie's fallen asleep in a chair by the window. He's startled awake by a woman's SCREAMS. They sound like they are coming from Jerry's. But are they screams of pleasure or pain? Charlie looks out the window. Jerry's house is dark. It's all quiet. Charlie looks at the clock. tam. Charlie sits back on his bed. Was it a dream? Then Charlie hears A MOTOR START. Charlie goes back to the window. Jerry's TRUCK starts and Jerry drives off. Off Charlie, unsettled. CUT TO: EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- BACKYARD -- NIGHT A short while later. Charlie moves cautiously into Jerry's backyard. He's wearing ALL BLACK and his dad's old winter gloves. He looks at his iPhone. ON THE PHONE -- a diagram. "How to pick a lock." 42. Charlie steels his nerves. At Jerry's back door, he clumsily tries to pick the lock. After a moment or two, he realizes he has no idea what he's doing. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Crap. He walks away from the door, frustrated. Then turns and impulsively tries to KICK IN the DOOR with his foot. Nothing happens. Then something occurs to Charlie. He goes into the garden. CHARLIE (CONT'D) The Perrys... Charlie finds a FAKE ROCK. Turns it over. It has a KEY in it. Charlie's like -- duh. He puts the key in the back door lock. It opens. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE - NIGHT Charlie moves through the first story of the house. He's cautious, on edge. At first the place seems totally unremarkable. A typical "guy pad". Lots of inexpensive furniture, bad art, a salt water fish tank... At every turn, Charlie expects something or someone to jump out at him. It's unbearably tense. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS -- NIGHT Charlie looks upstairs. Moves through a plain white hallway, finds an open door that leads to Jerry's office, where he keeps an EXTENSIVE LIBRARY. On one wall hangs a TAPESTRY that looks very old, decorated with a strange INSIGNIA. Charlie takes a picture of it with his phone. INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Charlie goes into Jerry's bedroom - opens his closet. Sees a variety of UNIFORMS. Cop, gas man, UPS, etc. Charlie reacts, chilled. Charlie stops. JERRY'S TRUCK is pulling into the driveway. Charlie's in a panic. Jerry will be inside any moment. 43. There's no time to get out so Charlie ducks into the CLOSET. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- CLOSET -- NIGHT Charlie pushes as far back into the closet as he can go. Leans against the back wall. The BACK OF THE CLOSET SWINGS OPEN and Charlie falls back into a HIDDEN HALLWAY. Charlie stands, stunned, see that the hallway is lined by small rooms on either side. It's clear that these are additions Jerry's added. Each room has a small rectangular WINDOW, so you can see in. Charlie reacts, sick. It looks like a prison. Despite the danger, he creeps over and looks in one of the rooms-- WHAM!! A pale HAND slaps against the window. Charlie jumps. CHARLIE Fuck! -- DORIS is in the window now. Bruised and so pale she looks almost BLUE. DORIS Help... CHARLIE Oh my God. Oh, shit-- Charlie tugs on the door. Locked. He stands back, what to do? Charlie hears a NOISE. The FRONT DOOR. And then -- JERRY'S FOOTSTEPS approaching. DORIS Oh... Oh no... Get me out of here! Doris pounds on the door. In a cold panic. CHARLIE I'm -- I won't leave you-- But Charlie has no choice. The footsteps are getting CLOSER. DORIS Please! No! Don't go! 44. Charlie ducks inside one of the CELLS across from Doris, moves behind the door. JERRY steps into the hallway, walks right by Charlie's hiding place. Pauses near him. The door is ajar. Was it that way before? Charlie holds his breath. Jerry moves to the CELL and retrieves DORIS's half-alive body from it. Charlie cautiously looks through the crack in the door. DORIS (CONT'D) .no... . God, no... please... The door to Doris's cell open. Charlie can see PART of Doris's body and face. Jerry is mostly obscured, bent over Doris -- holding her. Charlie watches helplessly, horrified. DORIS (CONT'D) Please, please... don't kill me. Doris's body TENSES and starts to jerk, as Jerry TUGS AND RIPS AT IT SAVAGELY. It's clear he's FEEDING ON HER, although we can't see his face. Doris screams, then starts to cry. It's stark and REAL and terrifying. It seems to go on and on. Doris weakens, her head lolling to one side, her light fading. A small stream of blood spreads across the white pavement. In the position she's in, she is eye to eye with CHARLIE. She sees him, smiles weakly. Then mouths something -- too weak to make much sound. DORIS (CONT'D) Cha... Cha... CHARLIE is petrified. Doris gets it -- smiles a little grimly, puts a finger to her lips. Silence. After what seems like an eternity, Jerry is satisfied. He tosses Doris aside and stands away from her. Charlie DUCKS behind the door as Jerry emerges and casually wipes a spot of blood from his mouth. 45. Then Jerry LOCKS DORIS back into her cell. Pockets the key and moves off toward the stairs. After a moment, he's gone. The sound of a TV starts in Jerry's living room. Something banal like "The Real Housewives of Orange County." Charlie knows this is his moment. With shaking hands, he retrieves his iPhone and pulls up the "HOW TO PICK A LOCK" screen. Charlie looks through the window in Doris's cell. She's breathing -- alive. Charlie whispers to himself as he uses a bobby pin and a tiny screwdriver on the lock. CHARLIE Please... Please... The bobby pin slips. Drops. Charlie's losing it. Steadies himself. Tries again. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Come on. The tension is unbearable. Charlie can hear JERRY moving downstairs. CLICK The lock slides open. Charlie breathes with relief. Then he grabs Doris and BOLTS. Charlie SLIPS in a pool of blood left behind from Jerry's feeding, but he manages to stay on his feet. He pushes Doris ahead of him, to a BACK STAIRCASE. His PHONE drops out of his pocket, he has to double back -- every moment counts. Doris's barely aware of what's happening, let alone where she is. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- STAIRWELL/ENTRY -- DAWN A moment later. Charlie and Doris emerge downstairs, near the entry hall. They can see the front door -- and hear Jerry moving in another room. Charlie looks around, trying to get oriented. JERRY emerges -- almost sees them. Charlie ducks into a hiding spot and grabs Doris, covering her mouth. 46. A long beat as Jerry returns to the living room with a beer. Settles in a chair facing away from the door. Charlie considers his options. Says almost silently: CHARLIE Same floor plan. He grabs Doris and bolts for the kitchen. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DAWN A back door. Leading out. Charlie and Doris race for it, DORIS stumbles and bumps into a chair. Stifles a cry. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- DAWN Jerry turns at the noise. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DAWN Charlie throws the back door open, he and DORIS ESCAPE. EXT. JERRY HOUSE -- DAWN The sun is just starting to rise. Charlie races for his house, with Doris holding on to him tight. She's crying with gratitude and relief, manages-- DORIS Thank you, thank you... Doris looks up at him, her EYES TURNING BLACK, her veins going gray. A first ray of pure sunlight hits them. CHARLIE Doris? In a flash, DORIS starts to BURN. Charlie is helpless to stop it as she GOES UP IN FLAMES and explodes. CHARLIE REACTS Horrified. In shock. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- DAWN Jerry moves into the kitchen. 47. The back door is closed now -- but the blinds sway slightly. And there are BLOODY prints on the floor from Charlie's sneakers. Jerry takes this in, coldly furious. FADE TO: INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- CHARLIE'S ROOM -- DAWN Charlie sits on his bed -- still in a state of shock. This shit is for real. Jane comes to the door, her knock cursory. She enters. JANE You're going to be late. Jane moves to the windows, throws the curtains open. Charlie winces at the sun. He got no sleep, looks like hell. JANE (CONT'D) The hours you keep. It's like living with a vampire. Charlie stops. Looks at her. She has no idea. CHARLIE Listen -- promise me -- that guy next door, Jerry? Under no circumstances do you invite him into our house. He's dangerous. JANE I think I can handle myself. CHARLIE No, no you can't-- JANE CHARLIE Charlie-- Don't even look in his direction, understand? And at night, you stay inside. JANE Because he's dangerous. What kind of dangerous? Charlie starts gathering his things. Getting ready to bolt. 48. CHARLIE Can you trust me? For once, don't ask a million questions-- JANE Charlie. Stop. I'm your mom, not some ridiculous woman-- CHARLIE (GENUINE) I'm sorry. Okay? I know... We just don't have time for a big thing! I'm telling you-- JANE That's enough. I'm done with this conversation. She moves away. CHARLIE Mom! Mom-- But she's gone. Charlie looks after her, worried. EXT./INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- DAY Later. Charlie approaches the school. Kids swarm around him, happy and care-free. Charlie's in another world. INT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- LIBRARY -- DAY CLOSE ON A COMPUTER SCREEN As various pages pop up-- VAMPIRE FAQ True VAMPIRE tales! VAMPIRE chat city How to kill a vampire ON CHARLIE As he scrolls and frantically scribbles notes. CLOSE ON CHARLIE'S NOTE PAD/COMPUTER SCREEN As Charlie notes tons of CONTRADICTORY facts; 49. Vamps must avoid all daylight. Vamps can walk in fog or twilight. Vamps always sleep in the dirt. Vamps never sleep. Vamps can only die from stake through the heart. Vamps only die from Fire. Three bites to turn a victim into a vamp. One bite and the victim has to feed from the vamp... Vamps change form -- bats, animals, etc. Vamps absolutely can NOT shape-shift. ON CHARLIE We see now that he's on a computer in the SCHOOL LIBRARY, isolated behind some stacks. He clicks a link on one of the sites -- which leads him to PETER VINCENT'S website. It's an elaborate interactive site. It says that Vincent is a serious student of all things occult -- especially VAMPIRES -- and has amassed a vast collection of books and artifacts. It also claims that there are different TRIBES of vampires. ON CHARLIE'S NOTEBOOK He writes in big letters TRIBES? PETER VINCENT -- VAMP EXPERT? AMY (O.S.) Hey. Charlie looks up. Amy stands over him, a little wary. Charlie covers his writing and closes his computer screen. He looks like hell. Disheveled, sleep deprived, tense. CHARLIE Hey... AMY You weren't in class. What are you working on? CHARLIE Porn. Hacked it. 50. AMY Oh, good. I thought it was something creepy. Charlie nods. Smiles wanly. Then-- CHARLIE Look, I'd better... AMY Get back to your porn. Got it. She looks away, losing patience. Charlie rallies. CHARLIE No. Sorry. I'm just -- I could use some coffee. She looks back. Okay. EXT. CLARK COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL -- QUAD -- DAY Charlie and Amy sit in the busy quad. CHARLIE We can't hang out at my house any more. My mom's flipping out about some stuff. I can see you at school, but for a while -- AMY Why? What's going on? CHARLIE It's hard to explain. Just... What can he say? He has to protect her, but how? BEN AND MARK Join them. Notice how tweaked Charlie looks. BEN You look like dog shit. CHARLIE Thanks. MARK Your pal the spaz, his folks were here earlier. It's a big thing. CHARLIE What? Why? 51. MARK I don't know. He ran away or something. They were all upset, talking to the principal. BEN One less tweaker clogging up the halls. Charlie stands, upset. CHARLIE Shut up. MARK BEN Charlie-- Chill out- CHARLIE (CONT'D) You don't know what you're talking about. He could be dead for all you know. Mark steps in. Calming, reasonable. MARK You're right. Not cool. You're worried and it's totally understandable. (THEN) But he's better off, man. He'll be happier with the other trolls on the shire. That's it. Charlie DECKS MARK. They go to the ground and Charlie lets loose on him. A bunch of other guys pull them apart amid shouts, etc. Mark is bloodied and freaked. MARK (CONT'D) What the fuck man!? AMY stands back, appalled. AMY Charlie!! What the hell is wrong with you?! CHARLIE (TO MARK) You're an idiot, you know that? (SUPER EMPHATIC) And it's HOBBITS on the shire! 52. Charlie turns to Amy-- CHARLIE (CONT'D) Come on. But she shakes her head and moves to MARK and BEN. CHARLIE (CONT'D) AMY-- AMY Just get out of here, Charlie. Go. He knows it's over. Heartbroken, he takes off. FADE TO: EXT. THE STRIP -- DAY Charlie gets off the bus and walks toward one of the nicer hotels. He's looking at another "how to" on his phone. "How to meet a celebrity." INT. HOTEL LOBBY -- DAY CLOSE ON -- A NEWSPAPER STAND As Charlie grabs a LAS VEGAS SUN from a rack. INT. HOTEL LOBBY -- ELEVATOR -- DAY Charlie watches a bunch of CONVENTIONEERS with BADGES in the FOOD COURT. A guy about Charlie's size leaves his coat and badge on his chair -- goes to get his food. Charlie sweeps in and quietly takes it. INT. HOTEL SHOWROOM -- DAY CLOSE ON PETER VINCENT 40's, but all wiry rock n' roll attitude. Leather pants and tattoos, Long black hair wrapped in a bandana. Dark painted nails and heavy eye make-up. HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARES. 53. The whole scene is OVER THE TOP GOTH cheesiness. Lots of stage effects and fire... PAMELA ANDERSON look-alikes in skimpy outfits prance on stage as another SEXY GIRL is handcuffed, S&M style, to a CIRCULAR TORTURE BOARD. ON THE AUDIENCE We see that this is a run-through. Tech guys work light boards, etc. A director and scattered others sit in the seats. CHARLIE Sneaks in one of the back doors. Silently moves close to the stage. He's WEARING THE STOLEN COAT. The badge holder now has the SUN masthead logo inside. It looks, at first glance, like a legit credential. ON STAGE Peter reveals a tray full of SHARP DAGGERS. He raises them to the audience. PETER The knives are real. He CUTS his OWN PALM with one, bleeds. Doesn't even wince. Stud. PETER (CONT'D) The girl is real. He GRABS HER, feels her up. She giggles. SEXY ASSISTANT Ooooo! Peter YANKS down on the circular board the assistant's tied to -- sending her SPINNING. PETER And if I miss, she'll really be dead. The music switches. It's all TENSION. Peter FLINGS a dagger. SCHWACK! The assistant DUCKS as the KNIFE embeds in the board behind her, this close where her head was. She screams! Breaks character. 54. SEXY ASSISTANT Holy Shit! Pete! Also out of character -- PETER speaks in a thick QUEEN'S ACCENT. PETER You can't say that! (moves to her) Stop the-- STOP. CUT!! The music stops. The spinning board stops. SEXY ASSISTANT You almost tore my extensions out! Why do you have to throw a real knife!? PETER (RE: KNIFE) It barely cuts! That board is like butter. He tears the MAKEUP appliance off his hand that made it look like he cut himself. The assistant pulls out of her VELCRO straps. SEXY ASSISTANT Everybody else fakes it! PETER But this looks authentic-- SEXY ASSISTANT Then learn how to throw! She stomps off the stage. Peter can't believe it. PETER Screw this. He starts to stalk off stage. CHARLIE rushes toward him. CHARLIE Mr. Vincent! Mr. Vincent-- A tech guy moves in on Charlie. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Charles Brewster. From the Sun? We had an appointment. PETER I don't think so. Talk to my guy. 55 CHARLIE We're doing a piece -- "Vampires. Separating myth from fact." PETER You want a comment? That's a shit idea for an article. Peter starts to move off. Charlie, anxious, follows. CHARLIE Please. I really -- I need your expertise. You're the man on this stuff, right? Peter sees how desperate Charlie is. Stops. PETER What is this, like your first assignment? CHARLIE Actually -- yeah. PETER (takes this in/then) Ten minutes. INT. PETER VINCENT'S PENTHOUSE - NIGHT Peter lives in a two story penthouse at the top of one of the casino hotels that he works in. It's lavish, floor to ceiling windows, etc. Still, goth influence reigns. The decor is tacky Haunted Mansion all the way. Charlie is shown into the "museum" by Peter's ASSISTANT, ARTHUR, who looks and sounds A LOT LIKE PETER. ARTHUR Don't touch anything, dude. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/LIBRARY -- NIGHT Charlie enters -- comes face to face with a SNARLING WEREWOLF. He starts. Then realizes it's a life-size model. CHARLIE Ho -- wow. 56. Charlie stands back, takes in the place. It's an amazing combination of FANTASY memorabilia and ACTUAL occult weapons and objects. It seems to go on and on. ARTHUR Got rooms of this crap. Ebay. Charlie examines a case that holds all kinds of TORTURE DEVICES and battle axes, as well as SPIKED BALL MACES, etc. Cases hold ancient texts and scrolls, haunted objects, etc. CHARLIE Amazing. Charlie is genuinely impressed. The geek in him can't help it. Peter enters, talks to Arthur-- PETER Midori me. Arthur pours Peter a green drink as Peter pulls off his black wig (bandana attached) and peels off a nude body shirt that has a bunch of TATTOOS printed on it. He steps out of his boots, with three-inch LIFTS. Collapses into an arm chair. He's just another balding, middle-aged guy with bad eyes. Peter downs his drink. Arthur hands him the bottle. Peter looks at Charlie. In truth, Peter's isolated himself to the point that he actually welcomes a visitor -- though he'd never admit it. PETER (CONT'D) (RE: MIDORI) Looks like pee but I'm hooked. You want? CHARLIE No, thanks. Not...on the job. Peter scratches avidly at his crotch. PETER Leather, it doesn't breath. You know? Fucking rashes are killing me... So I'm your expert, huh? For your vampire thing. (BITTER) They're all the rage, huh. 57. CHARLIE Yeah. I guess... So -- say I want to kill one. But really. How how would you do it? PETER Depends. You got fire, beheading. Or go classic -- stake through the heart. Bam! CHARLIE So all that actually works? PETER How the fuck do I know. CHARLIE I thought you're-- PETER I read books, man. You think I'm hanging out with Dracula and the Easter Bunny? CHARLIE Sorry. No. Charlie realizes he has no choice. He has to reveal more. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I -- I have a personal interest in this story. (off Peter's look) A friend's missing, actually. I think one of them got him. PETER Them, meaning a "vampire." CHARLIE Jerry. He lives next door to me. PETER "Jerry?" CHARLIE I know. (THEN) But it's no joke. If you look at these clips, you'll see. They take some time to load but... Charlie moves to Peter, shows him his phone. Digs into his pocket. 58. CHARLIE (CONT'D) And I printed up some photos I took. In his place. Or lair... Charlie put the photos in front of Peter on the table. Peter's expression closes. He stands, pissed. PETER Arthur! CHARLIE No, come on, I'm-- PETER You're a nutjob. Arthur! Charlie deflates -- his desperation showing again. CHARLIE Listen to me. I saw it. I saw him kill a girl. She burned up in my hands. You have to tell me how to stop him. Arthur enters. PETER Get this loser out of my sight. CHARLIE I know what I saw. PETER No you don't. See this guy? He gestures to ARTHUR. PETER (CONT'D) My cousin, Art. He's "me" on stage. That's how I teleport. People see what they want to see. CHARLIE (URGENT) This is what you've been looking for, I promise. I can take you to him, to his place. PETER In Clark County Nevada. A hot bed of supernatural activity. 59. CHARLIE Yes! It's genius. A transient population. A town where people work all night, sleep all day... PETER A town full of con-artists. (not buying it) No. You're working me, or somebody's working you. Charlie's getting angry now. CHARLIE He already got my friend! I know how I sound. But I'm not crazy. I didn't want this. I don't want to know this. Just tell me what to do! Peter feels Charlie's sincerity. For a moment he looks genuinely conflicted. But his expression hardens. PETER Run. CHARLIE What? PETER You heard me. He moves away. But Charlie is on his heels. Peter looks to ARTHUR, nods. CHARLIE So I save my own skin so he can keep killing!? I won't. We have to kill him! Please!-- Arthur THROWS Charlie out, the door closed firmly behind him. INT. PETER VINCENT'S PENTHOUSE -- OUTER HALL -- DUSK Charlie stands, shut out. What the hell is he going to do now? FADE TO: 60. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE/JERRY'S HOUSE -- DUSK Moving in on the Brewster home, an odd sight is revealed. Every window is draped with strings of GARLIC. Charlie's revealed in his window -- hammering up another long rope of the stuff. His gaze falls on JERRY'S HOUSE and we follow it. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- CHARLIE'S ROOM -- DUSK Now we find that Charlie's entire room is decked out in anti- vamp decor. Not just the garlic but crosses and other religious pictures, etc. Charlie LOOKS at the clock -- night coming too quickly. He's grimly focused as he starts sharpening a STAKE. A knock. Jane doesn't enter this time. Another knock. CHARLIE What? Jane walks in. Takes in the decor. JANE The whole house looks like that show Dark Shadows. CHARLIE It's a gag. For Amy. Long story. JANE (takes this in/then) You like her a lot, don't you? A moment when they could connect. But Charlie just nods. Jane's disappointed. Then-- JANE (CONT'D) Don't use tape on the walls. (THEN) Oh. Ed's parents left a few messages, looking for him. Charlie looks up at this. Pained. CHARLIE Okay. He goes back to his work. Jane looks at him for a beat, then she starts to go. 61. THE DOORBELL RINGS. Before Jane can really react, Charlie pushes past her. CHARLIE (CONT'D) DON'T. Don't open it. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- DUSK Charlie races downstairs. Stops. AMY is standing in the living room. CHARLIE How'd you get in?! AMY It was unlocked. CHARLIE MOM! You have to lock the door! AMY Okay, whatever, listen. You're flipping out. Punching out your friends and blowing everything off and is that a stake? A beat. He forgot he was holding it. He hides it behind his back. CHARLIE No. Amy sits, upset. Looks around and sees that the living room is decked in more anti-vamp decor. AMY Look. Even if you're losing it -- you don't get to blow me off. You don't go from something to nothing overnight. (EMOTIONAL) You're not nothing to me, Charlie. Whatever's happening, just -- talk to me. Charlie takes this in, emotional. But-- CHARLIE I can't let you get hurt. You need to forget about me for a while. 62. AMY What? How am I going to get hurt? Tell me. Charlie-- Now there's another KNOCK at the door. Jane comes downstairs- JANE I got it-- CHARLIE NO. Don't answer it. A tense moment. Another knock. INNERCUT WITH EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT DOOR -- DUSK JERRY stands at the door. Quietly enraged. JANE This is ridiculous-- JERRY Jane. It's Jerry from next door-- CHARLIE I'm telling you, don't answer it! JANE This is my house. I'll answer the door if I want to. She starts to move to the door again. Charlie blocks her way, desperate. CHARLIE Mom. He murdered Ed and Adam. And I have proof. Jane is stunned, at a loss. From the other side of the door-- JERRY (O.S.) Jane? I need to talk to you. JANE Just-- Hold on! JERRY (O.S.) Now. Your son is harassing me! He pounds on the door. Jane examines Charlie closely. 63 JANE Charlie. What's happening? CHARLIE Whatever he says, don't-- JERRY (O.S.) He broke into my house. I'd rather not take this to the authorities. But I will! He's sick, deluded-- CHARLIE Mom. A tense beat... Finally-- JANE (YELLS/ANGRY) Get the authorities! My son is a good kid! Charlie sags with relief. A brief look of appreciation passes between Charlie and Jane. ON JERRY As he backs away from the door. His expression goes cold. He disappears into the dark. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie races to a window. SEES JERRY MOVE out of sight. CHARLIE Shit, shit... JANE What? What is he doing? CHARLIE Whatever it is, it's not good. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- FRONT YARD -- NIGHT Jerry stands back, intense. He's got to take care of this problem NOW. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie's running from window to window now, trying to see what's going on. 64. CHARLIE Just -- if we stay in here -- he has to give up. He can't get in without an invitation. AMY OH-- (GETTING IT) Oh... Really? Like a-- CHARLIE Vampire. Really. Amy and Jane are blown away. Charlie's going crazy. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- BACKYARD -- NIGHT Jerry carries a SHOVEL and A SMALL SAW. He stalks into the Brewster's backyard, where he's hidden from the street. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Jane follows Charlie, worried. JANE Think about what you're saying-- CHARLIE I have. I've "processed," believe me. Jane takes this in. Then SMILES. JANE Ooooh. This is the gag! For Amy. I can't believe you got Jerry to go along with it! Charlie stops. Fuck. EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- BACKYARD -- NIGHT CLOSE ON JERRY As he starts to DIG UNDERGROUND -- amazingly strong and swift. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie hands Amy and Jane both CROSSES on CHAINS. 65. CHARLIE Take these. Put them on. Just do it. JANE (HUMORING HIM) Okaaaay. Vampire protection! AMY I don't think this is funny. But she puts it on. EXT. BREWSTER BACKYARD -- NIGHT Jerry pulls up the NATURAL GAS LINE that leads to the BREWSTER'S HOUSE. He SAWS IT OPEN AND LIGHTS THE END ON FIRE. INT. BREWSTER HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM/VARIOUS -- NIGH Hisssssssssss. A strange sounds coming from under the floor. AMY WHAT'S THA-- BOOM!! The GAS FIREPLACE EXPLODES, the STOVE EXPLODES, THE WATER HEATER ALL EXPLODE at once!! WINDOWS BLOW OUT as Charlie JUMPS on Jane and Amy, dragging them to the ground. The room starts to BURN. Charlie, Amy and Jane are in a panic. They try to put the fire out, but it's no use. Charlie stops. A CHILLING SIGHT: Jerry stands on the other side of the blown-out windows. His expression dark. Through the flames he says-- JERRY Don't need an invitation if there's no house. A beat. Charlie GRABS Amy and Jane and they RUN through the house. INT/EXT. BREWSTER GARAGE/STREET - NIGHT y, Charlie and Jane race into the garage 66. AMY I can drive-- JANE I drive! They jump into Jane's car. Hit the garage opener-- CHARLIE Gun it Mom! Go!!! Jane GUNS IT THROUGH THE OPENING GARAGE DOOR, destroying it. She CLIPS Charlie's dirt bike -- pushing it onto the sidewalk as she takes off. Jane's car swings wide into the street, almost smashing into an arriving FIRE ENGINE! Charlie, Amy and Jane SCREAM!! They narrowly avoid a head-on collision with a FIRE TRUCK. ON JERRY As he sees the dirt bike in the driveway. He jumps on. Tries to start it. NO GO. Fuck. INT. JANE'S CAR -- NIGHT JANE What did we do!? What does he want!? They are racing away when the DIRT BIKE COMES CRASHING THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW of the car, nearly taking Amy's head off. AMY HOLY-- Everyone reacts. Then the BIKE STARTS - the wheels spinning wildly in the back seat. CHARLIE Amy! Amy's hair gets caught in the spokes - it's horrible as it YANKS part of her hair out. Charlie grabs her away from the bike -- she falls into his arms, crying as JERRY's BIG PICKUP appears in the rear windshield. 67. JANE He's coming! THEY SWERVE OUT THE SHADOW HILLS GATES EXT. MAJOR STREET -- NIGHT Jane speeds down the street, which is wide and not heavily trafficked here. Unlike the planned community of Shadow Hills -- now we can see we're surrounded by great expanses of empty DESERT. JERRY'S TRUCK SMASHES REPEATEDLY into JANE'S. AMY My brother has a gun! CHARLIE Good to know! Is he here?! JANE Call the police! Anybody-- Jane manages to evade Jerry until -- The TRUCK SKIDS in a long arc in front of them and BLOCKS THEM. Jane screeches to a halt. JANE (CONT'D) Oh hell. In a flash, Jerry is out of the truck and coming for them. CHARLIE GO! Go! Don't stop!! Go-- Charlie steps on the accelerator, grabs the wheel and AIMS THE CAR AT JERRY. JANE Charlie!! They RUN JERRY OVER WITH A TERRIBLE THUDDDD!!! Amy and Jane scream. Jane is aghast, stops the car. JANE (CONT'D) Oh my God!! Charlie steps on her accelerator foot, the CAR ZOOMS FORWARD. 68. AMY Are you nuts!? You can't kill that guy! CHARLIE You have no idea. (TO JANE) It's him or us. Mom. MOM. Jane looks at him -- can feel that he's telling the truth. Charlie's looking around as they speed down the highway, in the rearview. NO JERRY anywhere. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Where is he? Where'd he go? Everybody looks UP. The roof of the car. BAM! Jerry's hand SHOOTS up through the FLOORBOARD under Jane's feet. Jane and Amy SCREAM! CLOSE ON THE FLOOR OF THE CAR JERRY'S EYE glares through the small hole. It's all BLACK. No pupil. Freaky. He's TEARING THROUGH METAL from the undercarriage of the car, where he's clinging -- face up. The more he rips away -- the more he reveals his face. His veins and eyes are BLACK. His nose snout-like. And his fangs emerge from lethal rows of jagged teeth, like a SHARK. It's shocking, horrible. ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE CAR As Jerry drags over the highway, the pavement grinding away at his clothes and flesh. He reaches through the hole he's made and SLAMS his fist down on the FLOOR BREAK. The car SCREECHES to a sudden halt. ON CHARLIE, AMY and JANE Screaming even after the car has stopped. Then -- BAM!! The car is REAR-ENDED by another vehicle. It's a MINIVAN. JANE's car is SLAMMED -- the back is a crush of glass and metal. 69. A GRIM MOMENT -- only the sound of hissing air and groaning steel as everyone assesses the damage. AMY Oh... Are you-- Jane? Jane is woozy. Hurt. CHARLIE Mom? JANE I'm okay... Charlie sees that the other car is drivable. The guy inside, a FAMILY MAN, is stunned and pissed. Gets out of his car-- FAMILY MAN What the hell do you think you're doing!-- Charlie gets out of the car too. Yells, urgent-- CHARLIE NO! Hey man, stay in your-- But it's too late. The guy is met by a HORRIFIC Jerry, hideously torn and bleeding, who appears from UNDER JANE'S CAR. In a flash, Jerry grabs the guy and VAMPS, ripping the family man's NECK OUT. CLOSE ON MINIVAN As those "cute" stick figure family decals are splattered with BLOOD. AMY AND JANE Now out of the car, react. JERRY IS A FUCKING VAMPIRE. Jerry drops the business man, who's dead as he hits the ground. He moves toward them. Charlie looks at Amy and Jane. I told you so. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Yeah. Charlie urgently grabs them. Shoves them down the highway. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Get out of here. Run. Run! 70. AMY BUT-- CHARLIE Go! I'll catch up! She's hurt, get out of here! They back off. Charlie pulls a large cross out of his coat and brandishes it as he walks toward Jerry. Jerry keeps his distance, taunting HIM-- JERRY Let them run. Just makes them easier to kill when I'm done with you. Ding, ding, ding -- the family man's CAR DOOR is open and the warning bell rings over and over... CHARLIE eyes the car. Keys still in it. He circles Jerry, backing him off. CHARLIE I repel you with the power of Christ the Lord. JERRY Do you? Really? When did you take your last confession? CHARLIE Get back... JERRY That's a mighty big cross you have there. Question is -- do you actually know how to use it? Jerry LUNGES for Charlie, but he DIVES for the family man's open car door. But Jerry's on him -- hands BURNING as he rips the cross from Charlie and shatters it with his hand. Then he TOSSES Charlie, who flies and hits JANE'S CAR, then crumples to the ground. Jerry gets Charlie around the neck -- holds a sharp, splintered end of the broken cross against Charlie's chest. The wood still burns into Jerry's hand, but Jerry holds on. 71. JERRY (CONT'D) Ever take one of these in the chest? I have. Charlie struggles, terrified. JERRY (CONT'D) But they missed the heart. Rigggght... . here. Easy measurement. Jerry positions the "stake" right over Charlie's heart. Charlie winces. Terrified and overpowered. JERRY (CONT'D) Shouldn't have been so nosey. Jerry's about to plunge the STAKE through Charlie's heart when a THICK WOOD STAKE comes through Jerry's SHOULDER. Jerry HOWLS, falls off Charlie and we see that he's been staked by the business end of a REAL ESTATE SIGN. JANE stands over them, quaking with fear and adrenaline. Amy's right behind her with a CROWBAR. JANE Leave my kid alone. Jane collapses, and we see that there's a lot of BLOOD on the back of her head. CHARLIE Mom! Jerry's in agony as he stumbles away, pulls the sign post out of his shoulder. Charlie grabs his mom and drags her into her wreck of a car. Amy dives into the car with them. Charlie presses the accelerator. Will it still drive? CHARLIE (CONT'D) Come on come on come on... IT LURCHES forward, then goes. Metal scraping the ground, raining glass... but it RUNS. They start to bolt when BAM! JERRY STANDS UP right in front of the car, LUNGES AT THEM. CHARLIE RUNS OVER JERRY'S BODY AGAIN. They speed off. 72 Jerry writhes in the middle of the road. But even as he does, he HEALS. His body knitting itself back together... INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR/JANE'S ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie's giving a report to a pair of uniformed cops. COP #1 So a gas leak caused the fire at your home and... CHARLIE My mom didn't feel right, we were trying to get her to the hospital. It was stupid to let her drive. COP #1 Yeah it was. And driver who rear- ended you, you get the exact make and name of the van? CHARLIE It wasn't there when you got there? COP #2 Hit and run. Happens all the time. Charlie stifles his surprise. Nods. ANGLE ON AMY On her cell, pacing as she eyes Charlie with the cops. AMY We won't stay up all night. Bee and Cara need help with Trig -- it's not a party. Okay. Okay... (THEN/EMOTIONAL) Mom? I love you. She stops at the open door of a hospital ROOM. Her gaze FALLING ON-- JANE Who lies motionless in a bed. A doctor checks her chart. AMY hangs up. Charlie, finished with the cops, joins her. They're both pained as they look at Jane. AMY (CONT'D) Maybe you should have said something to the police. 73 CHARLIE Like what? A vampire moved next door, borrowed some beer, ate a stripper and then blew up our house because we wouldn't invite him in? Amy looks at him. AMY Okay. The DOCTOR approaches. DOCTOR You should get some rest. CHARLIE She's going to wake up, right? DOCTOR Assuming the swelling is minimal, I hope so. CHARLIE But you don't know. DOCTOR Not yet. We need to give it time. The doctor puts a hand on Charlie's shoulder, leaves. Charlie turns away, upset. Amy watches, feeling helpless. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/LIBRARY -- NIGHT Peter, in a bathrobe, looks out his floor-to-ceiling windows at the lights of the strip. The ASSISTANT from the show toddles out on high heels and a ridiculous mini-dress. Her hair is messy, post sex. ASSISTANT Bye babe. Good show tonight. He's barely paying attention. PETER You were late again on "The Devil's Torture Chamber." But she's gone. A beat. He moves back toward the library shelves. As he does he notices the PHOTOS Charlie took at Jerry's place. 74. Absently, he sifts through them. Stops. He picks up the one of the INSIGNIA. Peter reacts. Stunned. This means something to him. He goes to a WALL SAFE. Opens it. Hidden inside are a bunch of personal items. Some from his childhood. Old photos of his mother and father... And a hand-drawn sketch, in a youthful scrawl, of THE INSIGNIA. He puts the two side by side. They MATCH. Off PETER, looking at the sketches. Haunted. INT. HOSPITAL -- JANE'S ROOM -- NIGHT Charlie and Amy sit on a tiny couch. Both are scared and regretful. CHARLIE This is my fault. AMY You didn't make any of it happen. CHARLIE Ed came to me. I turned my back on him. AMY How were you supposed to believe him? None of it makes sense. CHARLIE He did talk a lot of demented crap. (but.. ) He was my best friend. He asked me, begged me, to believe him. AMY People change. Everybody-- CHARLIE Yeah they do. I turned into a dick. I figured my dweeb past, not big with the ladies. AMY (WRY) So you're saying this is my fault. 75. CHARLIE I wanted you to like me. I tried to erase Ed -- all of it. I know how that feels. AMY I knew you were a dweeb. (off his look) You think I want a "dude" like Mark or Ben? I like that you're different... It didn't hurt that your skin cleared up. She smiles, takes his hand. A sweet, connected moment. Then something alarming occurs to Amy: AMY (CONT'D) I can't believe we didn't have sex. CHARLIE AMY- AMY No, seriously. I'm going to die a virgin? Me? How did this happen? CHARLIE We're not going to die-- AMY But what if we do? Let's do it. Now. The bathroom. Charlie. A beat. CHARLIE I think we should kill the vampire first. I'll perform much better. They laugh -- trying not to cry. Then: AMY Oh my God, Charlie. What are we going to do? CHARLIE We're going to fight. Then Charlie's phone rings. He answers. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Hello? INNERCUT WITH: 76. INT. PETER'S VINCENT'S PENTHOUSE -- LIBRARY -- NIGHT Peter stands with the photo of the insignia in hand. PETER I can help you. My place. One hour. EXT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY -- DAY A few minutes later. Charlie and Amy move out of Jane's room. AMY The Peter Vincent? CHARLIE Under-whelming, believe me. But he's what we've got. They close Jane's door and we see that it's COVERED in CROSSES of every shape and size. It's quite a spectacle. A nurse passes, looks at Charlie and Amy quizzically. CHARLIE (CONT'D) My mom is very religious. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/LIBRARY - NIGHT CLOSE ON A MIDORI cocktail WIDEN to reveal that PETER is pouring himself a whopper. Amy and Charlie sit nearby. PETER I'll tell you what I know, but that's it. Don't expect me to join your Scooby gang. CHARLIE Anything. I'll take it. PETER I found the origin of that insignia you showed me. It's a species that originated in the Mediterranean. They nest in the earth -- explains that hole you saw. And they kill slowly, keep their victims alive for days. (MORE) 77. PETER (CONT'D) (GRIM) "Snackers." CHARLIE So -- they turn all of them? (off Amy's look) Make their victims into vampires. AMY I know. I read. PETER No. It takes a while before they complete the change. They usually finish them off before that. AMY So how do you kill these guys, this "tribe"? PETER Usual stuff. But it's a strong breed. You need a plan-- A VOICE interrupts over an intercom. It's ARTHUR, Peter's assistant. ARTHUR (O.S.) Delivery. Guy says you need to sign for something. PETER Send him in. (TO CHARLIE) I order things when I've had a few cocktails. It's a-- CHARLIE (ALARMED) Wait. You get deliveries this late? PETER I don't know. Maybe-- Charlie stands. CHARLIE No. You said he could come in. The delivery guy. That's-- AMY What? Charlie-- 78. VOICE (O.S.) An invitation, airhead. They turn and see EVIL ED, in one of Jerry's "uniforms." It's clear he's changed. A glint in the eye, more muscular. Charlie takes Ed in, pained. Ed grins at him. Ed flips open a cell phone. Dials. ED Looking at them now. Yes sir. (hangs up/then) He's modern, Jerry, dispensed with all that "master" stuff. (TO CHARLIE) Hey bud. Charlie steps in front of Amy. CHARLIE You've got a problem, keep it with me. ED Problem? You let him get me, man. CHARLIE (ANGUISHED) I KNOW-- Ed is CREEPING TOWARD Charlie. AMY CHARLIE-- ED You let him turn me into this. At that, ED VAMPS. Black eyes, black veins. Those teeth. It's terrifying. SMASH!! One of the cabinets shatters. Ed, Charlie and Amy spin to see PETER standing by the open collection case. A SMALL NAIL in his hand. He's shaking like a leaf. PETER Stay away, demon. ED (amused/queens accent) "Stay awaaaay, demon!" Ed closes in on Peter. Peter looks to Charlie. It's real. 79. ED (CONT'D) Whatcha got there? Itsy bitsy little stakey? PETER Crucifixion nail. Lethal to you. ED Old school. Nice. Got to get pretty close to use it, though. Peter looks at the short piece of metal in his hand. Fuck. HE BOLTS down the nearest hallway. ED (CONT'D) Uh uh. No you don't. ED BOLTS AFTER PETER. Charlie and Amy race the other way. CHARLIE The elevator! INT. PETER'S PENTHOUSE -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT Peter pushes a BUTTON on a doorway, bolts into a PANIC ROOM. Ed is on his heels, but JUST MISSES grabbing Peter before the door closes. The POWERFUL DOOR CLOSES ON ED'S ARM, crushes it. ED HOWLS as his arm SEVERS. The door LOCKS. But what doesn't kill him makes him stronger and crazier. ED A panic room!? You better panic, loser! You better watch your neck! INT. PETER'S PANIC ROOM -- NIGHT Peter's in shock -- watching Ed's severed arm twitch on the floor. ED (0.S.) Prince of darkness is a little baby man! I love it! All the fat chicks in your fan club are gonna be so bummed! He hears ED flipping out, but ED DOESN'T SHOW UP ON THE SECURITY SCREEN. 80. INT. PETER'S PENTHOUSE -- ENTRY AREA -- NIGHT Charlie runs with Amy to the ELEVATOR. The CONTROL BOX has been ripped from the wall. They're trapped. AMY Oh my God, oh my God... Amy's starting to lose it. Charlie grabs her. CHARLIE Look at me. Stop. (SHE DOES) There's another way out of here. And there are a million things to fight with in here. Understand? We're going to make it. Amy pulls herself together. Nods. They RUN. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM" LIBRARY -- VARIOUS -- NIGHT CHARLIE AND AMY race through the ROOMS of Peter's extensive collection. INNERCUT WITH ED Tracking them -- not far behind, his stub of an arm bleeding and HEALING as he goes. ED Give it up, Chuck! You're dead. (THEN) If you hadn't ended up such a dick, I might have tricked you out. We could have rocked this evil shit! But you blew it. Nothing but the big dirt nap for you and your lady. AMY AND CHARLIE Round a corner -- it's a dead-end. They see a large antique CONFESSIONAL at one end of the room. ON ED As he comes around the same corner a moment later. AMY and CHARLIE are NOWHERE to be seen. 81. INT. PETER'S HIGH RISE LOBBY -- NIGHT Jerry enters, his appearance different. Healing from the car incident has taken it out of him. He's pale and weakened -- and still has lots of cuts and bruises. He's also changed into new clothes, jeans and a SWEATER. We see THE SAME GUARD that Charlie spoke to earlier. GUARD Sign in, please. JERRY I know where I'm going. GUARD Sign in. No exceptions. Jerry ignores him, keeps moving toward the elevator. GUARD (CONT'D) Hey! I'm talking to you. Sign in, or you're not going nowhere. Jerry turns. Slow and deliberate. Expression cold. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/CONFESSIONAL ROOM -- NIGHT Ed is MOVING IN ON the CONFESSIONAL. Sees MOVEMENT behind the curtain. ED I expected more of a fight. Girl's made you lazy in the head. Pussy'll do that. ED YANKS the curtain on the confessional open. ARTHUR hides there, terrified. ED (CONT'D) Look at that. Vincent's got a Vincent. CLOSE ON A large cabinet on the other side of the room. AMY AND CHARLIE are squeezed behind it. They react to HORRIBLE SCREAMS as Ed rips ARTHUR apart. 82. CHARLIE holds AMY close, muffling her sobs. Blood seeps across the floor, under their feet... ON ED His face bloodied. Eyes wild. The trembling body of ARTHUR on the ground at his feet. Ed turns Arthur over. Arthur's still breathing, reaches for something around his neck. A cross? No, it's a chain with PICTURES of sweet-faced children on silver charms. HE PLEADS-- ARTHUR .I have ...kids ... ED Had. Ed lifts Arthur off his feet and chokes him with one hand... ED (CONT'D) Don't take it personal. I'd eat you -- but I'm saving my appetite. Arthur's turning a horrible purple, eyes bulging... Ed breaks his neck with a HORRIBLE WRENCHING CRUNCH. Drops him. ED (CONT'D) Dinner with an old friend. INT. PETER'S PENTHOUSE -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT A door to a STAIRWELL opens, Jerry steps into a hall. He looks healthy again. Robust. He wipes a small smear of blood from his mouth. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/CONFESSIONAL ROOM -- NIGHT AMY AND CHARLIE hold their breath as ED looks around the room. Arthur is motionless at his feet now. ED I know you're here. I can hear you breathing. It's totally cool. He laughs, hyper. Excited. CHARLIE EYES A CASE WITH A BATTLE AXE 83. ED (CONT'D) Sooo, I take out the prom king and queen? Embarrassment of riches! CHARLIE SHOVES the case he hides behind with Amy over ONTO ED. Yells to Amy-- CHARLIE GO! Amy bolts from the room as Charlie punches the glass out on another case that holds the battle axe. He grabs the weapon. Ed SHOVES the cabinet off him with his good hand, stands. Charlie and Ed face off. ED Mano e...one mano. Piece of cake. Cause I'm a God Damned killing machine, and you're like all the Clark High big shots -- nothing. (THEN) You picked the wrong side, man. Ed lashes out, slicing CHARLIE on the arm with his SHARP NAILS. Charlie yells, but holds his ground. CHARLIE I didn't pick-- ED You didn't think. Charlie's wrecked about what he has to do. CHARLIE I know. I'm sorry. Charlie takes a swing with the AXE. Ed starts BOUNDING around the room, avoiding Charlie's swings as he clings to walls and, impossibly, THE CEILING. ED Steeeerike! Call that a swing, Slugger? Charlie swings and swings, but Ed is too fast for him. Finally, Charlie connects with ED'S NECK. Blood flies, Charlie can't look -- anguished. ED (O.S.) (CONT'D) Come on! You're not even trying. 84. Charlie looks back, Ed's HEAD is only HALF OFF. He's grinning even as he bleeds everywhere. It's macabre, horrible. Ed SLASHES Charlie again with his claw-like nails. Charlie cries out. INT. PETER'S LIBRARY/"MUSEUM" -- NIGHT Amy can hear Charlie yell. AMY Charlie! She smashes into one GLASS CABINET after another, pulling out and pocketing everything she can find to fight ED. Finds a GUN loaded with silver bullets... JERRY You are something, aren't you? Amy spins. Jerry's closing in on her. Beautiful, seductive. She's shaking, terrorized. BAM, BAM, BAM!! She empties the GUN into JERRY anyway. It knocks him back, but he's still standing. He picks a silver bullet out of his shoulder, unimpressed. JERRY (CONT'D) Werewolves. Amy FLINGS holy water in his face. JERRY SCREAMS, burns. AMY Vampires. She RUNS. INT. PETER'S "MUSEUM"/CONFESSIONAL ROOM -- NIGHT ED is already starting to heal as he and Charlie continue to fight. But his head still flops hideously to one side. ED Bone is a motherfucker, Chuckles. Hard to cut. Charlie takes another swing with his axe. Ed jumps out of the way. 85. Ed manages to get Charlie in a one-arm embrace of sorts, positions himself so he can BITE HIS NECK. ED (CONT'D) Is this weird for you too? I feel like such a homo-- Charlie FLIPS ED -- they are wrestling when Charlie sees AMY approaching with A SPIKED MACE. Charlie DUCKS and AMY smashes ED in the head. Hard. Charlie grabs a long, sharp piece of the shattered wooden cabinet. Ed is on the ground. Moaning, laughing. Charlie has his shot. But he hesitates. AMY Do it. Charlie! Charlie's frozen. Ed starts to get up, his head a mess. It's now or never. ED Wow. Bimbo has some juice-- AMY Jerry's here. He's coming! CHARLIE (to Ed/pained) I'm sorry. WHAP, Charlie stakes ED in the heart. Ed looks at Charlie with surprise... Ed's hideous features seem to dissolve. For a brief moment -- he looks like himself again. ED I wasn't even a badass vamp. I was his Renfield. Funny if you-- Ed starts to VIBRATE HORRIBLY, his WHOLE BODY moving so impossibly fast he's little more than a BLUR... Then he BURNS UP FROM THE INSIDE OUT. Charlie's paralyzed -- in a world of hurt. Amy grabs him. Pulls him out of the room. 86. AMY I found the stairs. Come on. INT. PETER'S PENTHOUSE -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT JERRY, VAMP-FACED and recovering from the holy water, sees AMY and CHARLIE running up ahead. He sprints after them. Charlie sees him and TOPPLES A GIANT FIGURINE in his path, as well as cabinets, etc... They slow Jerry down enough to get slightly ahead. AMY OVER HERE-- She flings the door to the stairwell open and they RACE DOWN THE STAIRS. INT. PETER'S PANIC ROOM -- NIGHT Peter sits huddled in a corner, ashamed and shaking. The SECURITY CAMERA flicks through different rooms, until it lands on his dead cousin, ARTHUR. It's like Peter's looking at his own mutilated corpse. OFF PETER, terrified. INT. CASINO -- NIGHT Amy and Charlie emerge from the stairway. They find themselves ON THE FLOOR of a HARD ROCK TYPE CASINO, which is on the bottom of the building where Peter lives. Amy slows as they fold into the crowds. Relieved. AMY Stop. Stop, I need to-- CHARLIE Not now. He's coming for us. AMY He can't kill us, not here-- CHARLIE Who's going to notice? Who's going to care? Amy, look around-- 87. Amy takes in the people on the floor. Drunk, oblivious. Two guys YELL and FIGHT at a craps table. A couple makes out in a dark corner, etc. It's loud, chaotic. AMY Oh, God... CHARLIE Keep moving. Come on. Now Charlie sees JERRY some distance behind them now, moving toward them in the crowd. They meet eyes. Charlie grabs Amy, scans for someplace to hide. He spots a nightclub -- "REFLECTIONS". The outside walls are all mirrored, like a brightly lit diamond. ON JERRY Behind them in the crowd, he sees them slip into the club. INT. REFLECTIONS - NIGHT The inside of the club is made up of MIRRORS AND WINDOWS. The dance floor is PACKED. All writhing bodies and sweaty abandon. It's dizzying, disorienting. Charlie sees JERRY enter, look around for them. The best bet to get lost is to dive into the crowd. Charlie leads Amy through the throngs of people -- the different levels of the club are like a maze. Glass staircases lead to mirrored balconies... A hopped-up DJ climbs up on a balcony, starts throwing t- shirts into the crowd. DJ Tequila Man t-shirts! Yeeeeeahhhh! The crowd goes nuts, SURGES forward... Someone bumps Amy and Charlie and they lose hands. AMY Charlie! Charlie turns, a DRUNK CHICK gets in his way -- tries to dance with him. He pushes past her. 88. CHARLIE Amy? Amy! Charlie can't see Amy, instead sees HIMSELF over and over again in a series of mirrors -- the infinity effect. It's dizzying, disorienting. THEN HE SEES JERRY, a shark, moving in and out of the crowd, disappearing behind mirrored columns, reemerging... Charlie also sees that JERRY DOESN'T REFLECT in the mirrors around them. Instead the crowd parts as if by magic. Jerry's heading straight toward-- AMY who's been pushed toward the DJ stand by the crowd. She's spinning, looking desperately for Charlie. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Amy! Charlie's frantically pushing toward her. But the CRUSH of people makes it nearly impossible to gain ground. CLOSE ON AMY As a HAND slips into hers. She turns, relieved, to find-- JERRY Holding her with a firm grip. AMY No. No! Amy STRUGGLES and CRIES OUT as JERRY PULLS HER away from CHARLIE, toward ramp that leads to another dance floor. Jerry laughs, throws her over his shoulder. AMY (CONT'D) Help!! A GUY in the crowd high-fives him. All part of another crazy night in Vegas. GUY Go get her, man! AMY sees her fast-moving reflection in the mirror -- she appears to be FLOATING above the people. 89. AMY Help me! Help!! CHARLIE can SEE HER, but can't get to her. The crowd is indifferent to her cries. Charlie grabs his cell -- hits a button. It dials, then-- CHARLIE (INTO PHONE) Peter! We're in the casino, the club! Jerry's got Amy! He's got HER-- INT. PETER'S PANIC ROOM -- NIGHT Peter's holding his cell. It's ringing. He hangs up. INT. REFLECTIONS -- SECOND STORY -- CONT. Jerry, hidden away from Charlie now, puts Amy down. She tries to run, but he holds her tight. AMY Charlie's coming, he'll find me-- JERRY I'm counting on it. Amy SPITS on him. Jerry reacts -- a flash of RAGE and he exposes his brutal rows of TEETH for just an instant. JERRY (CONT'D) Come on. He grips her harder, sways with her to the music. Leans close to her ear, seductive. His predatory skills in high gear. JERRY (CONT'D) You just need a taste. You'll see. It can be like a dream. Jerry draws a nail over his wrist, draws a line of blood. He puts his mouth over the cut, bloodying it. He forces her into a DEEP KISS. She struggles mightily -- but then her body relaxes, as if she's been sedated. 90. JERRY (CONT'D) That's it... Good girl. JERRY looks up sees CHARLIE coming toward them. But Amy's altered now. Staring into Jerry's eyes like a child. CHARLIE'S GETTING CLOSER when-- CHARLIE Amy! No!-- BAM! A hand falls on his shoulder. A DOORMAN DOORMAN How'd you get in here? CHARLIE You have to help me. That guy, he's going to kill her, he's a KILLER-- The doorman glances at JERRY and AMY. Jerry stokes Charlie's anguish -- running his hands over Amy's ass, kissing her neck. DOORMAN Yeah? Then she's liking it. Charlie's beside himself, enraged and terrorized. CHARLIE You don't understand!-- DOORMAN ID. Then you can tell me your whole sad story-- CHARLIE No! There's no time-- Amy!! Charlie's increasingly desperate, tries to RUN. But the doorman has a good grip, pulls him back. JERRY Sees that CHARLIE is restrained. Jerry locks eyes with Charlie and SMILES, his horrible fangs exposed. He's taking Charlie's woman -- and enjoying it. 91. CHARLIE (CONT'D) No! NO! CHARLIE'S POV As he's being dragged away -- JERRY BRUTALLY BITES AMY. It's a nightmare. Charlie loses it, screaming and flailing. But there is no helping her. FADE TO: INT. PETER'S HIGH RISE -- BEDROOM -- NIGHT Peter packs a bag, getting out of town. CHARLIE (O.S.) I see you got my message. Peter turns. Sees Charlie standing in the doorway. PETER How'd you get in here? CHARLIE Security's a little lax. Everybody got their throat ripped out. Peter backs away as Charlie moves in. Charlie is different. Colder, harder. Like he's aged a decade in one night. PETER You too? He change you? CHARLIE Look at your monitor. PETER turns to a security monitor in his closet. Charlie SHOWS UP ON THE SCREEN. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I don't know if Amy's alive or dead or turned -- but he's got her. My mom may not make it. And Ed... (COLD) I'm going to end him, or he's going to end me. (MORE) 92 CHARLIE (CONT'D) One way or the other, that's how it's going to be and you're going with me. PETER Don't you get what this is? There's no fighting. There's only surviving, if you're lucky-- CHARLIE You call this surviving? If you live and we all die, you think you'll ever be able to get us out of your head? PETER I know I won't. I never could -- not after the first time. This stops Charlie. PETER (CONT'D) I told myself I probably made it up. I was a kid. Maybe it was easier to believe in monsters... CHARLIE Made what up? PETER The vampire who killed my parents, my brothers. But not me. I hid. Charlie reacts. Surprised, but now it all makes sense. Peter continues, haunted-- PETER (CONT'D) I didn't collect all this stuff for fun. I thought maybe I could find the tribe, "avenge" my people. CHARLIE So do it. We'll go in at dawn. He's got to rest sometime-- PETER (HARD) It's not like that. When I was a kid, I hid because I wanted to live. I still do! This isn't the comics. You want to be a dead hero. Good for you. But I'm out. (THEN) (MORE) 93. PETER (CONT'D) You think I'm a coward. I'm just a realist. Moment of hesitation for Charlie. Has he been affected by Peter's words? Then-- CHARLIE So you bail on people, erase them. (THEN) I don't want to make it to tomorrow, not if you're the kind of man I have to be. A moment. Peter is full of self-loathing, but resolved. Charlie turns to leave. PETER Wait. Peter takes something from his luggage. A stake carved from WHITE WOOD. He hands it to Charlie. PETER (CONT'D) Blessed by Saint Michael. Kill a vampire with it -- it's supposed to turn his victims back. If Amy's changed, you can still save her. CHARLIE (RE: STAKE) If it's for real. PETER Who knows what's for real any more. Charlie takes the stake. Starts to go. Peter stops him-- PETER (CONT'D) There's no guarantee he'll be asleep during the day. He's housebound, not hibernating. CHARLIE I'll figure it out. PETER No, you need a plan. To stake him, you have to get close -- he's stronger than you. CHARLIE Holy water? 94 PETER Slow him down. Won't stop him. (THEN) Torch him, you'll have a few good minutes before he really goes up. Believe me, a vampire on fire isn't thinking clearly. CHARLIE But if he's on fire, how do I get close enough to stake him? A beat. PETER Fuck. CHARLIE (POINTED) You just worry about yourself. With that, Charlie leaves. Off PETER. Disgusted with himself. INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT/DAY Charlie sits by Jane's bedside. She's still comatose. We move closer and see that Charlie's drawing a MAP OF JERRY'S HOUSE on some scrap paper -- laying it out from memory as best he can. He GLANCES at the clock as it ticks toward DA As Charlie plots, he talks to Jane -- his silent confidante. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Those rooms upstairs, that's probably where he's got Amy. I get her out, assuming she's-- (NOT DEAD) Then I have to get him on the ropes. He thinks... Then looks up, an idea occurring. Jane lies there peacefully. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I have to go. More energized, Charlie stands and gathers his things. He stops, contemplates his mother for a moment -- regretful. 95. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I'm coming back for you, Mom. INT. ARMY/NAVY STORE -- DAY Charlie buys FIREPROOF CLOTHING, a small open-flame lighter, and a SPRAY CANISTER like the kind an exterminator uses. The guy at the counter looks Charlie up and down. Charlie takes this in. Finally, Charlie's like -- fuck it. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Going to kill a vampire. The guy looks at him. Then-- STORE GUY Good for you. The store guy waits. Charlie hands over his money. EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE - DAY ON JERRY'S HOUSE LOOMING, silhouetted against early morning light. Next to it, Charlie's house stands in charred ruins. CHARLIE stands on the front lawn, contemplating the houses. He wears fireproof clothes, has stakes and crosses strapped to him, holsters made out of duct-tape... Slung over his shoulder is the spray canister. And he holds a crowbar in a free hand. He looks like something out of one of Ed's graphic novels. Before he enters, Charlie DOUSES HIMSELF IN HOLY WATER. CHARLIE Let's do this shit. He swallows hard, scared but determined. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- FIRST FLOOR -- DAY CLOSE ON WET FOOTPRINTS Widen to find Charlie cautiously moving through the house. The blacked-out windows give the place a gray, stifled air. Behind Charlie, we see that the front door has been broken open with the crow bar. 96. Charlie anxiously looks around for Jerry -- fully expecting him to jump out and go for his throat... He takes the stairs up to the second floor, two at a time. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- DAY Charlie moves down the hall, stops at some of the small rooms. Looks in. NO AMY Finally, Charlie hears a GROAN. He opens a window in the door for yet another room. AMY'S lying on the floor, turned away from him. Charlie's not sure what he'll see when he gets a better look at her. CHARLIE AMY-- Amy slowwwwly gets up, turns... And aside from a BRUISED BITE MARK on her neck -- she looks normal. She rushes to Charlie, keeps her voice down. AMY CHARLIE-- She reaches through the window. They link hands, emotional. AMY (CONT'D) You shouldn't be here-- CHARLIE Where is he? AMY I don't know. He dumped me here. I'm bait. He said so-- CHARLIE How do you feel? AMY I'll survive. Please get out of here. He's too strong-- CHARLIE I'm stronger. (WAVERING) In a nerd power way. You know... 97. He reaches into his jacket, pulls out a CROSS. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Take this. It should-- He looks up. AMY IS GONE. Disappeared. Charlie, reacts. Calls out in a hushed panic-- CHARLIE (CONT'D) Amy? Amy!? Nothing. It's like she vaporized. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- HALLWAY -- DAY Charlie races down a hallway, looking for ANY. He tries door after door that won't open. He finally finds one door that's unlocked, rushes through -- almost FALLS through an open floor in an unfinished portion of the house. Jerry's building more cells. Charlie backs out of the doorway, turns a corner and BAM! He runs into JERRY. No, wait -- it's PETER. He's not wearing his wig, etc. But he's cleaned up and standing tall. Dressed all in black. CHARLIE Shit! You-- PETER CHARLIE Sorry-- How'd you-- A beat. Then: PETER Guess I don't want to be a man like me either. Peter opens his leather coat -- it's loaded with weapons. And a flask. Peter grins. PETER (CONT'D) Let's kill something. 98. CHARLIE (RE: FLASK) You reek. Midori? PETER Don't get greedy. I'm here. (THEN/PROUD) And I found something else. From my collection. Powerful shit. From around his back, he reveals A DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOTGUN with a CROSS MOUNTED ON THE BARREL. CHARLIE Wooden bullets? Nice. PETER No, you think I'm fucking MacGyver? Bullet, bullets. They'll buy us some time. Charlie is grateful, but now's not the time for man hugs. CHARLIE We have to find Amy. She was in a room upstairs, then she just disappeared. This house-- PETER What do you mean she "disappeared?" CHARLIE She was there. I looked away, looked back -- she was gone. Peter takes this in. PETER Show me where. INT. JERRY'S HOUSE -- AMY'S ROOM -- DAY Peter and Charlie pry open the door to the room where Amy was held. Peter walks over the floor -- finds a TRAP DOOR. PETER (CONT'D) Floor trap. I use it all the time. CHARLIE Where does it go? PETER Only one way to find out. 99. Peter lowers himself into the hole under the trap door-- CHARLIE Wait -- you're going in? PETER See that? Like a great date. Get me drunk and I'll try anything. Peter lets go and FALLS. Charlie steels himself, goes in after him. INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY THUD! Charlie and Peter land painfully on a dirt floor. PETER Ow, crap... They look around -- eyes adjusting. There's barely any light. They're in a LARGE UNFINISHED BASEMENT. The floor is dirt and the main story of the house is held up by numerous SUPPORT POSTS. At the far end of the basement there is a door that leads to another room/storage area. ON CHARLIE As he sees something. Stops. A MOUND of dirt. Like a grave. Charlie indicates to Peter to follow him. They whisper: CHARLIE You uncover him. I'll light him up, then stake him. Charlie pulls a FABRIC MASK, like a ski mask, over his face. Peter looks at him. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Flame retardant. They're standing over the grave now. Both nervous. Charlie nods to Peter. Peter does his best to hold the shotgun on the grave as he pushes the dirt aside with his free hand. He's shaking. 100. After a moment Peter UNCOVERS PART OF THE BODY. Then he moves up toward the face... Charlie douses the body with liquid from the canister. CHARLIE (CONT'D) (TO PETER) Gas. PETER You should be a magician. As the face emerges, Charlie readies a match, then reaches for his STAKE-- PETER (CONT'D) Stop! No-- CHARLIE stops JUST AS HE'S ABOUT TO TOSS the match. PETER (CONT'D) Who is that? IT'S ADAM, sleeping in a shallow dirt grave. Charlie reacts. Holy shit. He pushes his mask back. CHARLIE Adam. I know him. Knew him. PETER Shh. Don't wake him up, for CHRIST'S-- Peter stops. He's looking over Charlie's shoulder, horrified. In the dirt behind CHARLIE are MORE GRAVES. Eight or ten at least. Charlie turns. Sees the graves. PETER (CONT'D) You know them too? Charlie reacts, stunned. Peter moves to another grave, uncovers another sleeping face. And then another. A hulking man, a suburban mom... Charlie uncovers another body. Stops, chilled. CHARLIE Ms. Granada. My geometry teacher. (RUEFUL) She was hard up. 101. PETER How about we go back to my "run away" plan? CHARLIE (IGNORING HIM) We can't burn Jerry out. There's no way we'll get all these people out if the house goes up. PETER I thought you're here for Amy. (off Charlie's look) Great. Right. Save the Geometry-- A SCREAM stops him. Amy. Charlie and Peter spin -- it's coming from behind the door to the other room. A beat. They're both petrified as they move toward the door. Peter readies the gun again. Charlie pulls a CROSS out along with the stake. They creep toward the door. CLOSE ON CHARLIE Charlie puts his hand on the doorknob... Turns it... WHAMP! -- Charlie's VIOLENTLY SHOVED THROUGH THE DOOR into the STORAGE AREA INT. JERRY'S STORAGE AREA -- DAY Charlie hits the dirt hard. The door SLAMS SHUT AND LOCKS BEHIND HIM. He's in a smaller room with a LARGE DIRT GRAVE in the middle. Jerry's grave. INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY Peter's confronted by JERRY. Who smiles darkly. JERRY You look bigger on TV. Peter fires the shotgun, BLAM! But he misses Jerry and the power of the blast sends PETER HURTLING BACKWARD. 102. INT. STORAGE AREA -- DAY Charlie reacts to the blast -- but sees that ST. MICHAEL'S STAKE has fallen from his hand and rolled to the edge of the grave. He cautiously moves to retrieve it... He stops as he sees A FIGURE emerge from the dark. AMY. Her clothes are torn now, a thin trickle of blood runs down her neck. She looks impossibly sexy. Her hair, her eyes, her lips -- all shining and full. Forgetting himself, he goes to her. Pulls her into his arms. CHARLIE Amy, God... She clings to him, near tears. AMY Charlie. INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY Peter scrambles on the ground, SHOTGUN trained on JERRY -- who moves toward him calmly. The cross on the gun the only thing holding him back. BLAM! Peter fires again -- grazes JERRY. JERRY In pain, he TRANSFORMS and VAMPS before our eyes with a blood- curdling yell. It's chilling. CLOSE ON GRAVES One by one, the TRIBE of vampires wake. ADAM, MS. GRANADA... INT. STORAGE AREA -- DAY Amy pulls away from Charlie -- says: AMY You should have run with me while we had the chance. You should have saved me, Charlie. 103. Charlie takes this in, pained. Then-- CHARLIE It's not too late. She brings her lips close to his ear. Rasps... AMY It is. He's inside me now. Her EYES GO DARK -- fingernails grow SHARP and dig into Charlie. He feels the change. CHARLIE AMY-- Charlie shoves her off, hard. But she holds him tight -- and they TUMBLE INTO THE GRAVE. INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY JERRY, backed by ADAM, MS. GRANADA and a handful of other vampires, closes in on PETER. JERRY It's over, guy. Charlie -- his girl's having her way with him. (THEN) She's way out of his league anyway. Peter, trapped, won't be able to keep them at bay much longer. PETER Stop! Stop! Desperate, he BLASTS them again. Hits one on the shoulder. But it's not stopping them. JERRY And your aim-- PETER You don't get it! I'm on your side. Peter smiles a little. Shows his rows of SHARP FANGS. Jerry and the others stop. What? 104. INT. STORAGE AREA -- DAY Amy and Charlie struggle. He reaches for his cross -- but she throws him off her with a violent HISS. Charlie gets his first look at AMY in full VAMPIRE glory. She's even more freaky looking than Jerry or Ed. Her face is nearly overtaken by a wide mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth. Her eyes are crazed and blood-red. It's gruesome and terrifying. Charlie sees THE STAKE at the lip of the hole. Dives for it. Amy's on him in a flash. She throws him to the ground. He's got the STAKE in hand. Ready to strike. AMY You wouldn't. CHARLIE Try me. She STRADDLES HIM, sexual and raw. Charlie's repulsed, terrified. AMY I'll be the best you ever had. The only you had. (THEN) Charlie. We can be together forever. She leans in, licks his neck seductively... AND GASPS. She sits back, the STAKE IN HER CHEST. She falls away, shuddering. Charlie pulls the stake out -- scrambles out of the nest. He looks back at her, anguished. A beat. AMY, in terrible pain, LAUGHS. Nothing's happening. No kablooey. AMY (CONT'D) Missed. You missed. Charlie BREAKS THE DOOR OPEN with his crowbar. 105. CHARLIE I know. He backs away from her. Into-- INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT -- DAY The basement where Jerry and the THE TRIBE are CIRCLED around a body as MS. GRANADA feeds. ON PETER, who's pale and shaking... Charlie attacks them with THE CROWBAR. CHARLIE Get off him! He hits MS. GRANADA off Peter. Manages to hold off JERRY for a beat. Spins and HITS ADAM in the head. ADAM Dude! CHARLIE Sorry. AMY enters from the other room -- already healing. Jerry sees her -- holds up a hand and backs the others off. JERRY I'll finish this. Jerry, all swagger, moves in on Charlie. Charlie sees Peter, barely alive, spit out his FAKE VAMP teeth. Peter meets his gaze, wry and weak. Done for. PETER Worth a shot. "Master of illusion." Now Charlie notices SHOTGUN not far from Peter's body. He dives for it, but Jerry steps on it -- kicks it away. JERRY (TO CHARLIE) You think that's going to stop me? Time to man up. Jerry brutally kicks Charlie, sends him sprawling. 106. JERRY (CONT'D) Now. I'm going to kill your girl -- make you watch. I'll take my time with you. And once you're dead, I'll finish your mother. (RE: AMY) Too bad about that one. She sucked me dry. Like a pro. Amy smiles a little. Jerry GRABS CHARLIE, lifts him off his FEET-- Charlie, enraged, SPRAYS JERRY WITH GAS FROM the CANISTER -- right in the eyes. Jerry recoils, HISSING. Adam and the OTHER VAMPS MOVE IN. Jerry's over it. He's on CHARLIE in a flash, FANGS BARED. About to RIP HIS NECK OUT. BLAM! PETER has the gun again -- has managed to pull himself up into a sitting position. He BLOWS away ONE OF THE SUPPORT BEAMS. BLAM! And ANOTHER. BLAM! And ANOTHER. BLAM -- he misses. PETER Fuck. BLAM! AND ANOTHER. Charlie DIVES for SAFETY as the CEILING COLLAPSES in part of the basement. SUNLIGHT STREAMS in -- forcing JERRY, AMY and the other vamps into a corner. PETER (CONT'D) (TO JERRY) Fuck yeah! Nice sweater, loser! BLAM! Another BEAM collapses. BURYING JERRY, AMY and the others under DEBRIS from the floor above. A stunned beat. Peter slumps, exhausted from the effort. 107. Charlie looks at him -- amazed. PETER (CONT'D) (WEAK) I'm better with stationary targets. CHARLIE Yeah you are. Peter looks at him, sad. PETER Get out of here. We don't have much time before they dig out. CHARLIE (RE: STAKE) I can save you. I have to kill him with this. PETER You're a brave mother, I get it. And you were right. This is how I had to go... But we didn't count on an army. CHARLIE He'll kill you both, he said-- PETER We're already dead. (THEN) Go now, you live to fight another day. Stay -- there won't be one. Charlie stops. Swayed. Pained. PETER (CONT'D) Do it. CLOSE ON CHARLIE Accepting it. It's what he has to do. He starts DIGGING. PETER (CONT'D) Charlie! But Charlie ignores him, determined. Pulls his MASK DOWN over his face again. PETER (CONT'D) Stop! 108. WHAM! JERRY BURSTS OUT OF THE RUBBLE, attacks Charlie. Charlie falls back, PULLING JERRY with him into THE LIGHT Jerry BURSTS INTO FLAME -- but holds Charlie tight AMY and the other vamps start to claw their way OUT of the rubble. Charlie and Jerry fight -- nearly ENGULFED IN FLAMES now PETER (CONT'D) Charlie! Peter gets up, painfully, moves to help. Raging and desperate -- Charlie and Jerry continue to battle. Finally, Jerry pulls Charlie down with him --rolls on the ground as they fight. Trying to put out the flames. Jerry starts to DISINTEGRATE -- he's about to EXPLODE into bits. Charlie's stake is now ON FIRE. CHARLIE NO! A last desperate attempt. He can see Jerry's HEART, about to burn away. HE STAKES JERRY. AMY suddenly SCREAMS - she's burning inside, DYING. Or so it seems. The vampire is being burned out of her. PETER cries out too, reacting less violently. But in pain. JERRY Still burning, looks down as the STAKE OF SAINT MICHAEL in his CHEST. Right through the heart. He starts to SHAKE VIOLENTLY -- faster and faster, just like Ed did -- becoming little more than a macabre BLUR. For a moment -- Jerry's human form hangs in the air... JERRY Blow me. THEN HE BLOWS INTO A MILLION PIECES. ON CHARLIE AND PETER 109. Thinking fast, PETER tackles CHARLIE -- who is still in flames. They tumble into one of the open graves. DIRT pours in around them, extinguishing the fire. ON AMY Transformed and healed. Herself again. She rushes to the edge of the open grave. ABOVE THE OPEN GRAVE Peter pulls Charlie's mask back. Charlie is burned, unconscious. AMY Charlie! She crawls into the grave. Cradles Charlie in her arms. AMY (CONT'D) Charlie... Amy starts to cry. Peter looks on, concerned. Finally, Charlie opens his eyes. Says weakly... CHARLIE Blow me? Seriously? Peter falls back -- exhausted. Laughing. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Those are his last words? What a tool. We pull away, leaving this tableau... UNTIL ADAM, MS. GRANADA and the OTHER MEMBERS of the tribe emerge from the rubble. Disoriented, freaked. A beat. MS. GRANADA Let's agree to never talk about this. FADE TO: INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Charlie, Amy, Jane and Peter are in Peter's penthouse. It's a glittering night, a spectacular view. 110. Jane, released from the hospital, looks healthy and glowing. She smiles at Peter, who also looks more together. She has a glass of wine -- he's drinking a COKE. JANE Think you'll ever feel the same about a nighttime sky? PETER Same as what? I was always terrified. JANE Right. We're just catching up. ON AMY AND CHARLIE Charlie sees the connection between Peter and Jane. Shudders. CHARLIE I'm not seeing that. AMY She deserves some fun. Your mom fully cheated death. CHARLIE (SUGGESTIVE) You too. You deserve fun. AMY Oh, I plan on it. Now that you've killed your first vampire... CHARLIE I am so going to perform. Charlie KISSES her. It's intense, passionate. It's different, they're different. The childish part of them long gone. He runs his hands through her hair, pulls her close. SOMETHING BEEPS, talks... VOICE "Frak!" "Frak!" AMY (PULLS BACK) What is that? Charlie, a little sheepish, shows her. He's wearing a BATTLESTAR GALACTICA wrist watch. CHARLIE Battlestar. AMY Right. CHARLIE It was Ed's. Amy smiles a little, softens. AMY Right. (THEN) Frak? PETER is passing. Hears this. Is down with it. PETER Frak! Right on. (TO AMY) Perfect Woman, can I get you a drink? AMY I'll take another. Thanks. CHARLIE (TO PETER) I'll give you a hand. Charlie follows PETER into the DINING ROOM, where a BAR CART is set up. Peter moves to it. Pours himself a Midori. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I thought you were on the wagon. PETER It's dark. (off his look) I'm on the "day" wagon. CHARLIE Thanks for inviting us. PETER We should celebrate. Being alive. Your mom's clean bill of health. CHARLIE You wanted to put the moves on her. 112 PETER What? No. What? CHARLIE Just -- I'm watching you. I've got to look out for her. PETER Yeah you do. So here's what I'm thinking. We faced the beast and we won. Can you imagine the possibilities if we had got that shit on film? CHARLIE VAMPIRES DON'T-- PETER Show up on film, yeah. But werewolves do, bigfoots do. We get proof, catch something -- we could build a stage act around that, you wouldn't believe. We'd blow those Cirque bitches away! CHARLIE An act? Seriously? What about saving people from evil? What ABOUT-- A CHILLING LAUGH interrupts them. Distant. Eerie. And somehow familiar. Peter nods to his COLLECTION CABINETS. PETER It happens. All this stuff... CHARLIE Ever think about collecting something else? Snow globes or-- Charlie stops, catches sight of something MOVING IN THE REFLECTION ON THE FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOW. Just a wisp, a phantom. The face - is it ED? His features twisted in a grimace of fear and pain... It's CHILLING. Charlie's spooked. But he looks again and the face is gone. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Yeah, definitely get new stuff. 113. Peter leads CHARLIE OUT, back to the ladies in the other room. Still on about his idea... WE HOLD ON THEIR REFLECTION IN THE WINDOW PETER (O.S.) I'm serious, man. Do you know how much we could make? Think about how much people pay to see a tiger, or boobs, right? What if we had a tiger, boobs -- and a zombie! After they've gone we linger on the window. Is that Ed's eerie reflection again?, barely visible... AS WE GO TO BLACK ED (0.S.) You're so coooool Brewster!! THE END

FRIGHT NIGHT Written by Tom Holland FINAL DRAFT Sep 6th, 1984 1. FADE IN: EXT. FULL MOON - NIGHT (AND CREDITS. ROLL) Clouds obscure the starless heavens for a moment, heavy and ominous in the black firmament. Then suddenly they clear, exposing a full moon streaked with red like a killer's face, a stalking moon staring down at man's evil on the earth below. A HOWL breaks the night, a wolf pursuing its prey perhaps, or perhaps something much, much worse. VOICES break the perfect stillness. JONATHAN (V.0.) What was that? MISS NINA (V.0.) Just a child of night, Jonathan. Come, sit here beside me on the veranda. JONATHAN (V.0.) It's chilly out here. MISS NINA (V.0.) Oh, no, it isn't. It's beautiful. I love the night so. 2 EXT. RANCHO CORVALLIS - NIGHT A middling size town lost somewhere in the Southwest, the lights of its sixty some thousand residents twinkling like so many Christmas lights in the night. JONATHAN (V.0.) I've never seen you so beautiful before, Nina. So pale, so luminescent, so He suddenly stops. There is a moment. Then: MISS NINA (V.0. ) Yes? JONATHAN (V.0.) Your lips are so red. MISS NINA (V.O.) Are they? Would you like to kiss them? The CAMERA STARTS TO PUSH IN CLOSER AND CLOSER on the town as though searching for the source of the voices. 2. 3 EXT. CHARLEY'S STREET - NIGHT It's a typical middle class suburban street, full of pre- 1 World War II houses, the substantial places they built then, two and three story homes with attics and basements., porches and detached garages. There is the SOUND OF A LONG DRAWN OUT KISS as Jonathan and Miss Nina's lips meet. The CAMERA. MOVES DOWN the street, still looking for the voices. 4 EXT. DANDRIGE AND BREWSTER HOUSE - NIGHT V The CAMERA PAUSES TO STARE AT the Dandrige house, so dif- ferent in look and feel from all the other houses on the street. It's huge, almost forboding, its windows dark and vacant, its lawn overgrown and weed-infested, a home that has obviously been untended for a long time, unlived in and uncared for. However the "For Sale" on the lawn has a "Sold" sign just beneath it. The CAMERA PANS to the Brewster house next door, still SEARCHING for those voices. It's in sharp contrast to the Dandrige house, newly painted, its lawn neatly shorn, a house almost dwarfed in comparison to the Dandrige house, but a happy home, its windows lit and smiling out warmly at the night. The voices seem to be coming from the Brewster house, spe- cifically from a dark second-story window that is open to the night breeze. JONATHAN (V.0.) Why are you looking at me so strangely, Nina? MISS NINA (V.0.) Not you, Jonathan. Your neck. Has anyone ever told you it was beautiful? JONATHAN (V.O. ) (UNCERTAINLY) No. MISS NINA (V.0.) Come, lay your head on my breast. The CAMERA SLOWLY STARTS TO PUSH IN on the second-.story window. 5 OMITTED 6 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The CAMERA MOVES THROUGH the window, past the billowing drapes to find itself staring at a TV, the flickering screen the only light in the room. (CONTINUED) 3. 6 CONTINUED: One of those terrible AIP/Hammer horror films is on the tube, a woman, obviously a vampire, talking to one of those vapid juveniles used so much in these types of films, the two of them standing on a veranda to some huge, old house. The young man rests his head against her breast, incredibly enough, unaware that she is bending toward his neck with these huge fangs. Just as. she is about to sink them into his jugular, a tall, saturnine man steps out of the darkness., wearing a rather daffy Victorian suit and carrying a stake and mallet in his hand. His name is PETER VINCENT. PETER (V.0.) Stop, you creature of the Night! The vampiress leaps to her feet, her hapless, intended victim forgotten. She faces Peter with a, hiss, her fangs sparkling in the moonlight. MISS NINA (V.O.) Who are you who interrupts my nightly feeding? PETER (V.O.) (drawing himself up to his full height) Peter Vincent, vampire killer! He rushes her, the stake held high to plunge into her breast and the CAMERA TURNS AWAY from the TV as the sounds of the movie CROSS FADE with the SOUNDS OF HEAVY BREATHING, LIPS MEETING, TONGUES INTERTWINING in the room itself. Only the room, a typical teenager's lair, seems devoid of life, the bed empty, schoolbooks untouched sitting on the desk. The CAMERA BEGINS TO SEARCH the room, looking for the source of this new sound, much more interesting than the old flick on the tube. And then it finds them, CHARLEY BREWSTER and AMY PETERSEN, two sixteen-year olds, on the floor to the far side of the bed, wedged between the bed and the window. They are both as American as their jeans and making out like crazy. They twis.t and turn on the floor, Amy alternating between enjoy- ing it and fighting Charley off, both of them white hot with their mutual need. As he tries to slip his hand under her blouse, she catches-a glimpse of the TV. The horror movie has faded out to be replaced by the interior of a local TV studio, a tacky graveyard set the centerpiece, the visage of Peter Vincent, much older now, rising out of a papier mache coffin and filling the screen as CREDITS END. (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/16/84 4. 6 CONTINUED: (2) PETER (V.0.) This is Peter Vincent, bringing you' Fright Night Theatre. Tonight's journey into horror is "Blood Castle," one of my favorites. And for a very good season. I star -in it. He does this booming laugh that goes through about ten echo chambers as Charley, totally oblivious to the TV, works on Amy's bra, trying to get it undone, obviously something she doesn't want. She tries to distract him. AMY Charley, Peter Vincent's on. CHARLEY (fumbling with the bra) Forget Peter Vincent. AMY But you love him. CHARLEY I love you more -- Behind them, the station break segues into a commercial, a bunch of kids singing and dancing joyfully to a Coca-Cola commercial. On the floor, Charley finally gets Amy's bra undone. That's it for her; she twists away. AMY Charley, stop it. Be doesn't listen, going for her again, their finger fight- ing behind her back, hers trying to get the bra resnapped, his trying to keep it undone and get her blouse off at the same time. She suddenly pushes him away, really hard this time. AMY Charley, I said stop it. Charley rolls over, leaping to his feet, frustrated as hell. CHARLEY Jesus, give me a break, Amy. We've been going together almost a year and all I hear is "Charley, stop it!"' They stare at each other angrily, both of them breathing hard, their young hormones roiling inside them. Then they look away, not wanting to see the other's anger, staring at the TV for lack of any better place to look. (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: (3) The horror movie is on again, Peter Vincent and Jonathan now carrying a coffin across a fog swept cemetery. Charley looks back at Amy, his features softening. CHARLEY I'm sorry, Amy. She rises, both of them standing by the open window, staring at each other. AMY Me, too. (she puts a hand out, touching his arm) I'm just scared, that's all. He nods understandingly, touched by her honesty and inno- cence, his basic decency winning out over his lust. Sud- denly she steps into his arms, kissing him as she never has before. She breaks, staring up into his face nervously. AMY (SOFTLY) Let's get into bed.:. CHARLEY (staring at her, stunned) You mean it? She nods, stepping into his arms again, kissing him like he's never been kissed before, the two of them slowly turn- ing, Charley seeing the TV first with its grave digger scene, then the wall, and finally out the window over Amy's shoulder. And he freezes. There, below in the side yard, he sees two shadowy figures carrying what looks very much like a coffin toward the storm doors to the Dandrige house next door. His mouth drops open as Amyâ¢slips out of his arms and onto the bed, completely unaware of what he's seeing. She starts to take off her blouse, Charley no longer looking at her, his gaze glued to the weird scene he's seeing out his window. As her blouse comes off, she lays back in the bed, looking up at him, waiting for him to join her. AMY Charley, I'm ready. He ignores her, grabbing his binoculars from his desk, whipping.them to his eyes and focusing in-on-the figures below. (CONTINUED) J 6. 6 CONTINUED: (4) They're too dark to make out clearly, but they are JERRY DANDRIGE and BILLY COLE. An errant beam of moonlight hits the large, oblong box, and Charley gasps. It's a beautiful piece of work, huge, ornate, obviously incredibly old, and bound in brass. Amy stares at Charley with rising confusion and irritation. AMY Charley, I said I'm ready. CHARLEY (still glued to his BINOCULARS) Amy, you're not going to believe this, but there are two guys in the yard below. And I think they're carrying a coffin. AMY (glancing at the TV and seeing the very same scene) Sure, and they're on the moors, right. CHARLEY Amy, I'm serious. AMY So am I. Do you want to make love or not? Charley is still peering through the binoculars, the two figures below having gotten the storm doors open and now carrying the coffin into the basement of the house next door. CHARLEY Amy, quick, come-here, you've got to see this. All he hears is his bedroom door slamming shut. He whirls to find Amy gone. Tossing the binoculars on the bed,, he dives after her. CHARLEY AMY -- 7 INT. PORTICO - STAIRWAY - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Charley hurries down the stairs after her. CHARLEY Okay, maybe it wasn't a coffin, but I did see two guys carrying something into that house -- (CONTINUED) I ch Rev'. 12/4/84 7. 7 CONTINUED: AMY (HARDLY LISTENING) I don't understand you. First you want to make love, then you don't -- They reach the bottom of the stairs only to have a voice from the living room stop them. JUDY (O.S.) Amy, Charley, what's wrong? They stop, turning to stare through the doorway at Charley's mom, JUDY BREWSTER, sitting in the living room, watching the ten o'clock news on the downstairs TV. She's a young forty, pleasant looking and warm. T I Amy steps into the living room, Charley following, the two of them trying to pull themselves together so Charley's mother won't notice what they've been doing upstairs. 8 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT JUDY Have you two been having a lovers' spat? CHARLEY (embarrassed as hell) No, Mom, nothing like that. JUDY Well, there's nothing wrong with that. (pointing at the maga- zine in her lap) Right here it says the divorce rate is 76% higher among couples who don't argue before marriage. CHARLEY Mom, we're in high school. JUDY Oh, yes, that's right. Well it never hurts to-plan ahead. (TO AMY) Tell your mother I said hello, will you, Amy. And remind her we're playing bridge at her house this week. I'm bringing the cheesepuffs, she's making the dessert. (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 7A. 8 CONTINUED: AMY Yes, Mrs. Brewster. (TO CHARLEY) Good night, Charley. CHARLEY- (ABSENTLY) Yeah, goodnight. But he's no longer listening; he's moving toward the window that stares out at the house next door. There are lights on in the first floor.now. Behind him Amy turns back to his mother. AMY Well, good night, Mrs. Brewster. JUDY Good night, Amy. And thanks for helping Charley. AMY Anytime. See you tomorrow, Charley. Be hardly hears her, staring out the window. Miffed again, Amy turns and stomps out of the room, the front DOOR heard SLAMMING behind her a moment later. (CONTINUED) I 8. 8 CONTINUED: Judy turns to her son to see what's wrong with him. He's glued to the window, staring at the house next door. JUDY Charley, that wasn't very nice, not walking Amy to the front door. CHARLEY (hardly hearing her) Mom, there are people. next door. JUDY Oh, the new owner must.be moving in. CHARLEY What new owner? JUDY I Didn't I tell you? Bob Hopkins told me he finally sold the place. I CHARLEY To who? JUDY I.d.on't know. Some fellow who fikes up houses, he said. Supposed to be attractive, too. Anyway I just hope whoever he is, he knows what he's getting into with that house. It's going to take a lot of work just to make it liveable -- And the CAMERA leaves them behind, SLOWLY PUSHING IN TIGHTER AND TIGHTER on the TV Judy was watching, their VOICES FADING out to be taken over by the newscaster dron- ing away on the screen. NEWSCASTER (V.0.) And now for the local news. A man was found murdered tonight behind the railroad yards. Details are pending waiting notification of next of KIN -- FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN. ON : 9 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALL - DAY Kids are flooding out-of the classrooms, the BELL having just RUNG. Charley comes out of one of them, holding a test paper and looking none too happy about it. (CONTINUED) 9. 9 CONTINUED: CHARLEY The bastard. Why didn't he tell us he was going to spring a pop quiz? Another kid comes out right behind him, holding a test paper with- a big A+ on it. Eis :name is EVIL ED THOMPSON and he's tall and thin with a terrible complexion and a personality to match. EVIL ED That's the point to a pop quiz, Brewster. To surprise you. Charley glances up at that moment to see Amy walking by, her head held high, and looking in every direction but his. CHARLEY Hey, Amy -- She keeps right on going, disappearing into the crowd. Evil Ed throws a look at Charley and cackles. EVIL ED What's wrong? She finally found out what you're really like? CHARLEY Buzz off, Evil. EVIL ED Call me anything you want. Only you're the one failing Algebra, not me. With another high pitched laugh, he walks off, leaving Charley staring after Amy miserably. DISSOLVE TO: 10 EXT. BREWSTER AND DANDRIGE SOUSE - DAY Charley pulls his red beater '68 Mustang into the driveway. He gets out carrying his schoolbooks and heads for the front door. Just as he bends down to pick up the evening paper on the walk, a cab pulls up and a YOUNG WOMAN gets out. Charley stops cold; she is definitely one of the most spec- tacular girls he's ever seen, obviously sexy, cheap around the edges, but no less spectacular for it. She looks at him like a little girl lost. GIRL Is this ninety-nine Oak? (CONTINUED) 10. 10 CONTINUED: CHARLEY (pointing to the DANDRIG'E HOUSE) No, next door. She nods her head in thanks and walks toward the next door house, the one. where he saw the two men carrying what looked to be a coffin into the basement. It's a three story house like Charley's but there any similarity ends. The Brewster house is newly painted and well lived in; the Dandrige house has long-been abandoned, the lawn overgrown, paint flecking from its side, the entire--place rundown and forlorn. Charley watches the girl disappear into the Dandrige house, whistling appreciatively under his breath. He turns for his own front door. 11 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Charley enters the kitchen to find his mother preparing dinner. He hands her the evening paper. JUDY .Thanks. Charley stops by the kitchen sink, staring out at the Dandrige house. as his mother goes back to fixing dinner. CHARLEY Mom, you seen the new guy next door yet? JUDY No, but I did hear he's got a live-in carpenter. With my luck, he's probably gay. CHARLEY (SMILING SECRETLY) No, i don't think so. JUDY Why, what do you know that I- don't? CHARLEY Ah, nothing. Got to study. See you later. He cuts a beeline for the door, his mother staring after him disbelievingly as he disappears out the door. JUDY Study? You? DISSOLVE TO: 11. 12 INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He's hard at work at his desk, really into his Algebra, when over his shoulder a light comes on behind the drawn shade of the bedroom window of the house next door. It is directly on a sightline with his own room, but he doesn't see it, staring intently at his books. Suddenly a WOMAN'S SCREAM, high-=pitched and terrified, shatters the night. Charley whirls, sending his books crashing to the floor, staring out his window at the lit window in-the house next.door. The light snaps out, dark- ness blanking the entire wall of the Dandrige house. ' Charley just stares at it, trying to repress a shiver, all thoughts of studying Algebra suddenly gone. DISSOLVE TO: 13 INT. MALL - FAST FOOD JOINT - DAY It's the after school hangout, a bunch of tables before a fast food joint on the fourth floor of a shopping mall. Kids mill about, nearby video game machines going full blast, a TV playing the "Young and the Restless" on the counter. Charley sits at one of the tables, almost falling asleep face down in his cheeseburger and fries as he tries to study. Suddenly Amy slips in beside.him. AMY Hi. CHARLEY (looking up at her, STARTLED) Hi. (RECOVERING) Look, I'm really sorry about the other NIGHT -- AMY It was my fault, not yours. CHARLEY (REALLY STARTLED) It was? (she nods;.he recovers, taking her hand) Look, Amy, I. love you. I never.. want to fight with you again, okay? AMY (breaking into a big smile) God, I'm so glad we're getting this straightened out. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 12. 13 CONTINUED: AMY (CONT' D) I've been miserable the last two days. You don't know what it's been LIKE -- Over her shoulder he suddenly sees that the TV has gone to the local news, a picture of a girl who looks very much like the one he saw going into the Dandrige house the afternoon before on the screen. He is suddenly no longer listening or looking at Amy, his complete attention on the TV. She trails-off as she realizes she's lost his atten- tion, staring at him. AMY Charley, are-you listening to me? He gets up abruptly and walks away, leaving her sitting there staring after him. He stops'below the TV, staring up at it as the newscaster's voice runs over the picture of the girl. NEWSCASTER (V.0.) (CAUGHT MID-SENTENCE) Cheryl Lane, a known prostitute, was found murdered this morning -- Evil Ed steps up beside him, staring up at the 'screen along with him. EVIL ED Know what I heard on the police band .last night? CHARLEY What? EVIL ED (nodding at the TV) That wasn't the only murder. It's the second in two days. (GLEEFULLY) And get this. Both of 'em had their heads cut off. Can you believe it? CHARLEY' (staring at him) You're sick. A voice suddenly comes from behind him. AMY (O.S.) Charley. (CONTINUED) 14. 16 EXT. BREWSTER AND DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT tD The two houses sit there side by side,.only the Dandrige house has changed although it's hard to say exactly how. It just seems worse than before, more abandoned, more-hulk- ing, more... dead. 17 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Charley has the house next door staked out. He sits in a chair before his window, all the lights off in his room, only the flickering TV to keep him company. It's Peter Vincent on Fright Night, another one of his films on, this time the volume turned off. Charley holds his binoculars in his hand, staring at the dark window of the house next door, waiting. DISSOLVE TO: 18 ZNT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - MUCH LATER THAT NIGHT The TV is just flickering snow now, the channel having signed off hours before. Charley still sits in front of his window, but he's sound asleep, breathing deeply, lost in his dreams. Soft, sensual MUSIC snakes through his open window, enveloping him slowly and dragging him awake. Groggily he opens his eyes to find himself staring into the lit window of the bedroom next door. He sits up with a start. There is no drawn shade now. Be can see clearly into the room and a beautiful teenage girl with long blonde hair stands there, framed in the window, slowly taking her blouse off. Charley rubs his eyes., hardly able to believe what he's seeing. As he watches she drops the blouse to the floor and stands there, bare breasted. Charley gulps, fumbling for his binoculars. He gets them to his eyes just as Jerry Dandrige steps out of the shadows behind the girl, gliding across the room toward her with incredible grace. To Charley the whole thing has.a dreamlike quality, Jerry more an impression than a reality. He's thirty maybe, almost beautiful with alabaster skin and chestnut hair. He stops behind the girl, sweeping her hair back, exposing her tender, young neck. He slowly leans down as though to kiss her. As Charley watches through his binoculars, unable to tear his eyes away, Jerry Dandrige's upper lip slowly begins to pull back,. revealing just the hint of fangs, long, razor sharp, and sparkling pearly white in the moonlight. Suddenly, Jerry Dandrige stops, the fangs poised an inch above the girl's throat. He slowly raises his head, star- ing out the window across the side yard and into Charley's bedroom. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 15. 18 CONTINUED: It's almost as though he can see the boy watching him. - With an involuntary gasp of terror, Charley steps back into the deeper darkness of his room, his hand instinctively reaching up to-protect his own throat. Jerry Dandrigeâ¢slowly reaches up and pulls down the shade, cutting off all view into the room. Charley stands there for a moment, unable to believe what he just saw. The binoculars slip from his hand, crashing to the floor, and. he whirls, racing out of the room. 19 INT. HIS MOTHER'S ROOM - NIGHT He bursts through the door to find his mother sound asleep in bed. He grabs her, shaking her awake. CHARLEY Morn, you've yot to get up. I can't believe what s happening next door. JUDY (staring up as her son SLEEPILY) What, what are you talking about? CHARLEY He has fangs. The man who bought the house has fanas! JUDY Oh, Charley, I have to be at work at SEVEN TOMORROW He hears a CAR DOOR SLAM in the yard next door. He jumps to the window, peering out into the back of the Dandrige house just in time to see Billy Cole walking away from a shiny new black Cherokee Jeep, its back door left open. Charley whirls and dashes out of the room, leaving his mother staring after him. JT1DT CHARLEY -- 20 EXT. SECOND FLOOR HALL - NIGHT He races down the corridor for the stairway landing. 21 INT. STAIRWAY - PORTICO-- NIGHT He pounds down the stairs, taking'them two at a time, whips around the newel post and flies down the hall toward the kitchen. 22 EXT. BACK YARD - DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT Charley slips out his back door and through. the darkness into the adjoining yard. (CONTINUED) 16. 22 CONTINUED: .There, among a clump of bushes, he crouches down, watching the black Jeep. The rear door is open as though to receive some burden, the yard empty, Billy Cole no longer'there. Suddenly the back door to the Dandrige house opens again and Billy comes out carrying a large bundle in a plastic trash bag over his shoulder. 'Charley's mouth falls open as he realizes the bundle could'easily be a woman's dead body. Billy dumps it in the back of the Jeep and slams the door, crossing. in front of the vehicle for the driver's door. Suddenly there is a terrific WHOOSH'through the air over Charley's head, the moonlight momentarily blotted out, the BEATING OF LARGE WINGS above causing the bushes around him to bend and sway. It's almost as though a huge bird, a bat perhaps, just swooped over his head from the top floor of- the Dandrige house. And then silence returns. Charley lifts his head, peering about in the darkness just in time to see a shape, more a shadow than a man, step out of the darkness no more than ten feet away. It's Jerry Dandrige. He glides toward the Jeep, tossing Billy a woman's purse. JERRY Here, you forgot this. Billy one-hands it out of the air, turning back for the Jeep. Just then the back door to Charley's house bangs open, sending a shaft of light into the darkness. Judy Brewster stands there in the doorway, calling to her son. JUDY Charley! Dandrig.e and Billy Cole freeze, both of them turning to look at the back door to the Brewster house, inadvertently staring right at the clump of bushes where Charley.is hid .ing. Dandrige takes a step forward, his eyes probing the dark- ness as though he can actually see through the murky black- ness right to where Charley hides. Terrified, Charley suddenly leaps to his feet and races back into his own yard, disappearing through the back door with his mother. Billy steps forward as though to follow the boy. Jerry puts out a restraining hand, stopping him. DISSOLVE TO: 23 INT. CHARLEY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT Charley sits at the kitchen table, his mother putting a cup of hot cocoa into his hand. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 17. 23 CONTINUED: JUDY Here, drink this.. CHARLEY-, (ALREADY FRUSTRATED AS HELL) Mom, I don't need hot cocoa. I didn't have a nightmare. They did kill a girl over there. JUDY (feeling his forehead for a fever) Charley, how late did you stay up studying? CHARLEY (shoving her hand away) iMom, I'm not sick. The guy did have `fangs and a bat did fly over my head .and then Jerry Dandrige stepped out of the shadows. You know what that means, don't you? JUDY (staring at him worriedly) What?. CHARLEY He's a vam_re! JUDY (.staring at him INCREDULOUSLY) A what? MATCH CUT TO: 24 INT. AMY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Amy's staring at him much as his mother did, with a look of shock and total disbelief on her face. AMY A what? CHARLEY (frustrated as hell AGAIN) A vampire, damnit! Haven't you listened to anything I've said? (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/23/84 18. 24 CONTINUED: AMY Charley, is this some kind of trick to get me 'back? CHARLEY (turning toward the door in disgust) i Forget it, L'm going to the police. AMY (blocking his path) Charley, you can't go to the police with a story like that. They'll lock you up. CHARLEY All right, then I won't tell them it's a vampire. But I sure as hell am going to tell them about the two women -- AMY CHARLEY -- Be slams out the back door, leaving her staring after him, ) T worried sick. DISSOLVE TO: 24A EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - DAY A police car pulls up, Charley in a red Mustang behind him. He gets out, walking to meet LIEUTENANT DETECTIVE LENNOX, a tall man in his early.forties. He hitches his pants, staring at the teenager hard. LENNOX You sure about this now? Charley nods emphatically and the cop turns toward the house, Charley following. 25 OMITTED 26 27 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - DAY The KNOCK reverberates through the silent house. Nothing for several seconds; then the sound of someone walking down the hall from the kitchen. Billy Cole appears, stopping before the door, staring through the curtain at the dim outline of Charley and the Detective standing on the porch. He opens the door, staring at the boy and the cop. BILLY Yes. (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/26/84 27 CONTINUED: LT. LENNOX Mr. Dandrige? BILLY ' No, I'm his roommate,â¢Billy Cole. LT. LENNOX (flashing his badge) Lieutenant Lennox, homicide. Mind if we come in? BILLY No, not at all. He steps back from the door, allowing them to enter. The house is a mess of cardboard moving boxes and heavy Victorian furniture scattered everywhere, a number of the pieces still under white dust covers. Clocks line one wall, none of them working, all set at 6 p.m. BILLY Is there anything I can help you with? LIEUT. .LENNOX There was a murder last night. Charley lives'next door and thinks he saw the victim in this house. BILLY (SEEMINGLY SHOCKED) That's impossible. I was here with Jerry all last night. There was nobody else in the house. CHARLEY That's a lie. (nodding at Billy) I saw him carry her body out in a plastic bag. LIEUT. LENNOX What do you say to that, Mr. Cole? BILLY (RELIEVED) The kid's crazy, officer. I did take some bags out last night, but they were full of trash. Here, let me show you -- 28 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY He leads them into the living room which is'a mess of pack- ing crates, boxes, and furniture. He holds up a plastic trash bag stuffed with wrapping paper and cardboard boxes. (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 20. 28 CONTINUED: 28 BILLY See. We're just in the process of moving in -- CHARLEY, The bag I saw had a body in it, not trash. I BILLY Did you actually see the body, Charley? CHARLEY No, but --. BILLY (TO LENNOX) Look, let me take you out back. I'.11 show you the bags I"put in the garbage. LT. LENNOX Okay, let's see 'em -- He takes a step to follow Billy out of the'room when Charley, increasingly desperate, stops him. CHARLEY Look, I can prove he's lying. Let's look in the basement instead. LT. LENNOX What's down there? BILLY (turning and staring AT CHARLEY)_ Yes, Charley, what's down there? Charley meets the big man's gaze and finds his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. The seconds, tick past. Still nothing from Charley. Billy turns to the Lieutenant with a smile. BILLY Obviously the boy's made a mistake, OFFICER -- CHARLEY (bursting out with it) A coffin, that's what's down there, a coffin. I saw them carry it in! LT. LENNOX (TAKEN ABACK) What? (CONTINUED) A 22. 30 CONTINUED: LT. LENNOX (CONT'D) (almost slamming Charley up against the car) Now you listen to me, kid. If I ever see your ass down at the station house again, I'm throwing it in jail. Forever! He hops in his-car, slamming the door behind him as Charley hovers by the window. CHARLEY Lieutenant Lennox, please, listen to ME -- Lennox ignores him, ROARING away in a cloud of burning rubber. Charley stares after him, not knowing what to do now. He hears the PORCH DOOR of the Dandrige house OPEN behind him and whirls to find himself staring at Billy Cole, standing on the porch looking back at him, a toothpick in his mouth. There's something very unpleasant in the big man's eyes:- like murder. Charley slowly backs away from him toward his car, Cole's eyes following him.. Charley glances down at his wrist- watch.' It's four in the afternoon. He glances up at the sun overhead. It's beginning to sink, late afternoon and all that implies drawing nigh. He looks back at Billy Cole. The man is smiling at him now, reading his thoughts. Charley leaps into his car and takes off down the street. CUT TO: 31 INT. EVIL ED'S HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - DAY Charley bursts through the front door and pounds up the stairs, yelling as he comes. CHARLEY Evil! 32 ZNT. EVIL ED'S BEDROOM - DAY Evil Ed sits at his desk,. hand painting a monster model of a ghoul as Charley bursts through the door and skids to a halt before him, breathing hard. Evil's room is a veritable museum of horror, movie posters of Frankenstein and the Wolfman dotting the wall, the shelves full of monsters', models, the floor littered with horror comics. Evil glances up at Charley., obviously not happy about being disturbed. (CONTINUED ) 23. 32 CONTINUED: EVIL ED And to what do I owe this dubious pleasure? CHARLEY The vampire knows that I know about him. Or at least he will when he wakes up tonight. EVIL ED What are you talking about? -CHARLEY I've got a vampire living next door and he's going to kill me if I don't protect myself. EVIL ED (looking at him like HE'S CRAZY) What? CHARLEY Look, Evil, I haven't got time to explain. Just tell me what to do to .protect myself. EVIL ED (going back to his PAINTING) Very funny, Brewster. CHARLEY I'm not kidding. Evil, please, just tell me what to do. EVIL ED Why should I help you? And don't call me that. CHARLEY (digging money out of HIS POCKET) Look, I've got eight bucks. Tell me what' to do and it s yours. Evil Ed stares at the money for a moment and then sweeps it into his. pocket. EVIL ED Far be it from me to turn down a fool's money. Where and when do you expect this vampire to attack? (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/6/84 24. 32 CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY In my bedroom. Tonight. Evil Ed puts down his brush and pulls a dime store cross from his desk. He hands it to-Charley. EVIL ED Start with this. Of course, you have to have faith for it to work. Then get some wolfbane -- CHARLEY What? EVIL ED Forget it. Get some garlic, links of the stuff you can wear around your neck and hang from your window. If he comes for you,, that'll be the way. Then, of course, there's holy water. But you need a priest to say a blessing over it first. He goes back to his painting. Charley stares at him. CHARLEY That's all? EVIL ED 'I'm afraid so. Of course, they can change into wolves and bats at will and I don't know what you do about that. But your best protection right now is that a vampire can't enter your house without being invited by the rightful owner first. CHARLEY You sure about that? EVIL ED Positive. SMASH CUT TO: 33 OMITTED THRU 35 36 INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley steps back to stare at his window, finished at last. Be's done the best he can, nailing-it shut, strewing it with garlic, his chest of drawers shoved in front of it, partially blocking. it. (CONTINUED) A 25. 36 CONTINUED: The cross Evil Ed gave him sits on his desk. He tests the window. It's secure. His mother calls up to him from the portico below. JUDY (O.S.) Charley, come down here, please. There's someone I want you to meet. He turns and walks out of the room, feeling better now. 37 â¢ INT. PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT He bounces down the stairs and turns toward the door to the living room. 38 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT He walks into the living room to find his mother standing there, a drink in her hand. CHARLEY Yeah, Mom -- JUDY Charley, this is.our next door neighbor, Jerry Dandrige. Charley freezes. Jerry Dandrige sits in the best chair, a drink in his hand, smiling at Charley. He's even better looking close up, almost blindingly beautiful, too much so actually. There's something disturbing about it, as though such good looks have to cover up an inner putrefaction, some sort of hidden, sweet, sickly rot just beneath the perfect pale skin. He rises, the smile widening as he sees the terror in Charley's eyes. He holds his hand out as Judy watches her son for his reaction. JERRY Hello, Charley. Charley just stares at him. JUDY Well, shake hands, Charley. There's no reason to be rude. Charley slowly crosses to Jerry and takes his hand, shaking it as one would the hand of a recently disinterred corpse. Judy.smiles, pleased with herself. (CONTINUED) 4 26. 38 CONTINUED: CHARLEY What's he doing here? JUDY (rising and smiling AT JERRY) I invited him over for a drink. CHARLEY (stone cold horrified) You what? JUDY (a bit taken aback by the intensity of her SON'S REACTION) Invited him over. Why? Charley turns back to stare at Jerry. Jerry smiles, speak- ing in a voice that flows like honey, charm and nascent sensuality oozing from his every pore. JERRY What's wrong, Charley? Afraid I'd never come over without being invited first? You're quite right. But, of course, now that I've been made welcome, I'll probably drop by quite a bit. His voice changes, suddenly charged with double meaning, his eyes burning into Charley. JERRY In fact, anytime I feel like it. (changing tack, turn- ing back to Judy) With your mother's kind permission, of course. JUDY (TOTALLY ENRAPTURED WITH HIM) Of course, Jerry. You're welcome anytime. It's so nice someone interesting has finally moved into the neighborhood. It's so dull around here. I mean how many nights can you play Trivial Pursuit? Right, Jerry? JERRY Right, Judy. Charley watches this scene, backing across the room, terri- fied. He suddenly hits an end table, knocking it with a crash to the floor. Judy looks at him. He's ghost white. (CONTINUED) ch Rev.. 12/4/84 27. 38 CONTINUED: (2) JUDY Charley,. are you all right? CHARLEY (his eyes on Jerry as he backs for the door) Yeah, fine. I've just got to get back to my trigonometry, that's. all. JERRY Nice meeting you, Charley. (his voice suddenly dripping with double ENTENDRE) See you soon. And unseen by Judy, he looks directly at Charley and winks at him. Charley whirls, bolting out of room and pounding up the stairway out of sight. Judy turns to Jerry. JUDY You know, our town really isn't'as boring as I make it sound. For instance, there's a dance at the church the first Friday of every month. JERRY Really? JUDY (BIG SMILE) Really. Jerry smiles a secret smile and takes a sip of his drink. 39 INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Be bursts through the door and scoops up the phone, punch- ing out a number frantically. CUT TO: 40 INT. EVIL ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT He is still at work, painting the monster model of the Ghoul. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up. EVIL ED Yeah. CHARLEY (V.O.) The vampire is in the house. My idiot mother just invited him over for a drink. (CONTINUED) Rev. 12/4/84 27k. 40 CONTINUED: EVIL ED (starting to laugh) No shit? CUT BACK TO: 41 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT CHARLEY Ed, this is serious! (CONTINUED) Rev. 12/4/84 28. 41 CONTINUED: EVIL ED (V.0.) You still have my'cross? CHARLEY Yeah, and I nailed my.window shut. EVIL ED ' (V .0 . ) Then relax. There's no way he can get to you. CHARLEY You sure? CUT BACK TO: 42 INT. EVIL ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT EVIL ED Positive. Now good night. I've got some studying to do. He hangs up, returning to painting his monster model of the Ghoul, mumbling to himself. EVIL ED Fucking idiot. CUT BACK TQ: 43. INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley-grabs the cross off his desk and nervously fingers it, turning to stare out his window at Jerry's window next door. The shade is pulled, but there's a light on behind it. It doesn't make Charley any less nervous. DISSOLVE: 44 EXT...DANDRIGE AND BREWSTER HOUSE - NIGHT Both houses sit quietly on the street, wrapped in the dark- ness of the night air. An ordinary enough image, two houses, sitting there, but there's something disturbing about it. After.a few seconds one realizes what it-is: the Dandrige house almost looks like it's about to pounce on its next door neighbor, the Brewster house. 45 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Judy is sound asleep, a light breeze wafting the curtains. of her partially open window, sleeping mask over her eyes. 46 INT. SECOND FLOOR HALL - NIGHT Darkness and silence, and nothing else but moonlight spill- ing through the window at the far end. 29. 47 INT.. CHARLEY' S BEDROOM - NIGHT He sleeps fitfully in his chair, his door locked behind him, his window barricaded with his desk. 48 INT. SECOND FLOOR HALL - NIGHT Suddenly the shadowy outline of.what might be a huge bat swoops past the window outside followed by the BEATING OF MIGHTY WINGS. A second later something is heard landing on the roof with a heavy THUD. 49 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Charley sits bolt upright in his bed as he hears it, lis- tening hard. But now there's nothing but silence. He stares up at the ceiling, listening and waiting. Then he hears what SOUNDS LIRE FOOTSTEPS walking across the roof. And then silence again. Grabbing the cross and holding on to it tightly, he walks toward his door. 50 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT He unlocks the door and pokes his head out, looking up and down the hall. Nothing. Then he hears it, a NOISE from the floor below. It sounds like fingernails scratching-. across glass. He tiptoes to the landing, staring down at the shadow enshrouded portico below. The NOISE IS LOUDER now, spookier, more insistent. Clutching his cross, he starts down the stairs. 51 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT' Jerry Dandrige stands above Judy, staring down at her sleeping peacefully in her bed. The window behind him is now fully open. He glides across the room past Judy's bureau with her wigs sitting on it, past the wall mirror without leaving a reflection to mark his passing, and out the door with unnatural silence. 52 INT. HALLWAY -.NIGHT Jerry closes the door behind him, giving it a sharp tug that slightly dislodges it-from it hinges, wedging it..tight against the frame. It's something no man of ordinary strength could accomplish that easily. He turns away, gliding across the hall toward the open door to Charley's bedroom. 53 INT. STAIRWAY - PORTICO - NIGHT Charley stands on the stairs, staring through the doorway into the living room. There is nothing but shadows in there. And then he sees it, the source of the scratching sound. (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 30. 53 CONTINUED: A tree branch, caressed by the wind, is slowly.moving back and forth across a pane of glass in one of the french doors to the patio. Relieved, Charley slips the cross into his pants pocket and turns, walking back up the stairs. 54 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT He walks down the hall past his mother's bedroom, hardly giving it â¢ glance as he disappears into his own room. 55 INT. CHAARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Be shuts the door softly behind him, locking it, sits, turns on the TV, rising again nervously and... turns to find himself facing Jerry Dandrige. Be opens his mouth to scream. The vampire's hand whips out with blinding speed and seizes him by the throat, choking off all sound. JERRY Now we wouldn't want to wake your mother, would we, Charley? (SMILING) Then I'd have to kill her, too. Right? Charley nods and Jerry flings the boy the length of the room with inhuman strength, slamming him into the far wail. Charley slips to the floor, all the air knocked out of him. Jerry advances on'him as Charley fights to get his breath back. - JERRY Do you realize the trouble you've caused me? Spying on me, almost disturbing my sleep this afternoon, telling policemen about me He reaches down and grabs the boy, jerking him erect, and slamming him against the wall again, Charley's legs dangling several feet above the floor. Jerry leans in, pressing his face close to Charley. JERRY You deserve to die, boy And he. begins to slowly choke Charley, suddenly stopping, staring into the boy's face. JERRY Of course, I could give you something I've never had... a choice. You forget abotrt me and I'll forget about you. What do you say, Charley? (CONTINUED) 32. 55 CONTINUED: (2) Judy can be heard RATTLING HER BEDROOM DOOR in its frame, trying to get it open. Jerry's head whips back and forth between the door to the hall and Charley, the SOUNDS of Judy struggling to get her bedroom door open becoming louder all the time. The door across the hall starts-to give with a groan. With a hiss of frustrated fury, the vampire whirls, throws open Charley's door, and dashes out into the hail. Charley throws off his shock at still being alive and plunges after him. 56 INT. HALL - NIGHT Charley skids to a halt in the hall, sees the window at the far end is flung open wide, and dashes to it, sticking his head out and staring up at the night sky. Suddenly on the roof above him, there is the SOUND OF POWERFUL WINGS, beat- ing away into the night. air. And then nothing. He slowly pulls his head back in and closes the window behind him, locking it. He turns to find Judy stumbling out to her room at last and looking at him. JUDY Charley, what happened? CHARLEY (THINKING FAST) I, I just had a nightmare. JUDY (INSTANTLY CONCERNED) Oh, no. You know, I had one last night. I was at this White Sale and there I was, standing at the counter, and I reached for my credit cards only to realize I was naked as the day I was born -- Suddenly they both hear a dull THUD as if metal is bending, .then nothing. Judy stops, turning back toward the closed window as Charley peers through the glass, seeing the sha- dowy form of Jerry Dandrige slipping out of their garage and crossing into the.back yard of his own house. JUDY Now what's that? She takes a step for the window only to have Charley grab her, gently guiding her back toward her bedroom. CHARLEY Nothing, Mom. Just the raccoons in the garbage again. Why don't you go back to sleep. , JUDY But what about your nightmare? Do you want a valium? (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 33. 56 CONTINUED: CHARLEY I'm fine now, honest. Night. JUDY Well, I do needy sleep. I start the night shift tomorrow, you know. CBARLEY Yes, Nom, I know. Now, good night. He pushes her through her door into her bedroom, closing the door behind her and turning for his own room. 57 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley closes the door behind him, clicking on the TV for company, hardly looking at it as he paces. the room, lost in thought. It's Fright Night again, another hor- ror film on. It's the last thing he needs to see, and he's about to lean over and turn.it off when the PHONE suddenly RINGS by his side, raking him jump. Be picks it up, but doesn't say anything, just listening at the receiver. Suddenly he bears Jerry's sibilant whisper. JERRY (V.O.) I know you're there, Charley, I can see you. Charley slowly turns, staring out his window. There, in the window of the house next door,. stands Jerry Dandrige, the phone to his ear, staring at Charley. S8 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - JERRY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jerry stands at his window, staring back at the horror struck visage of the boy it the. window of the house next door while Billy kneels at his side, solicitously bandag- ing his injured hand. JERRY I just destroyed your car, Charley. But-it's nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you tomorrow night. Be hangs up, slowly reaching out and drawing the shade. 59 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - CHARLEY'S.ROOM - NIGHT Charley watches the shade blank the lit window out. (CONTINUED) 4 33A. y1 Rev. 11/23/84 1 59 CONTINUED: He slowly hangs up the phone, sinking onto the bed, thinking hard and coming up with no answers. On the TV, the horror'flick dissolves as Peter Vincent comes on doing a station break rap. PETER (V.O.) Hello, horror fans. I hope you're enjoying "I, A Vampire Part Two." It's one of my best. Did you know a lot of people don't believe in vampires? (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 34. 59 CONTINUED: Charley straightens up, his gaze suddenly riveted to the screen. PETER (V.0.) But I do. Because I know they exist. I have faced them inn. all their guises, men, wolves, bats. And I have always won. That's why they call me The Great Vampire Killer. (DRAMATIC PAUSE) Now, watch me do it -- The horror flick comes back up on the screen, a much younger Peter stalking Dracula through a drafty castle, stake and mallet in hand. Charley watches the movie with renewed, if not fervent interest, whispering to himself as he watches. CHARLEY Get him, Peter,. get him -- DISSOLVE TO: 60 OMITTED 61 EXT. STUDIO PARKING LOT - DAY Peter comes out of the studio dressed in his street clothes, moping toward his car, taking a cigarette from his cigarette case as he goes. Eels in his fifties, tall, saturnine, by nature very theatrical, but at this particular moment in time, also very depressed. Charley jumps out from hiding and hurries toward him. CHARLEY Hey, Mr. Vincent -- Peter ignores him, continuing to walk-toward his car as. Charley falls in beside him. CHARLEY Could I talk to you a minute? (nothing from Peter) Please, Mr. Vincent, it's terribly important. Peter, abruptly stopped, resigned to the fact that boy is not going to let him alone. He whips out a fountain pen. PETER All right, what do you want me to sign? CHARLEY (CONFUSED) Pardon me? PETER Well, you want my autograph, don't you? (CONTINUED) ._ .. 35. 61 CONTINUED: CHARLEY No, sir. I was curious about what you said last night on TV. You know, about believing in vampires. PETER What about it? CHARLEY Were you serious? PETER Absolutely. Unfortunately none of your generation seems to be. CHARLEY What do you mean? PETER (venting his frustra- tion on Charley) That I have been fired because no one wants to see vampire killers anymore. Or vampires either. Apparently all they want are demented madmen running around in ski masks hacking up young virgins. Now if'you'll excuse me -- Be starts for his car again, Charley falling in beside him. CHARLEY i believe in vampires. PETER (HARDLY LISTENING) That's nice. If only there had been more of you perhaps my rating would have been higher., CHARLEY In fact I have one living next door. Would you help me kill him ? That stops Peter cold. He turns and stares at the boy. PETER Pardon me? CHARLEY You know the murder of that girl that happened yesterday? PETER Yes. (CONTINUED) 36. 61 CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY Well, the'guy who lives next door did it and he's a vampire. A moment. Then Peter turns away angrily. PETER If this is your idea of a joke, I am not amused. CHARLEY (GRABBING HIM) Mr. Vincent, I'm not joking. I'm deadly serious. Peter stares at him, sees he means it, and decides Charley's crazy. It makes him decidedly nervous. PETER - I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me -- CHARLEY (hurrying after him) But, Mr. Vincent, I'm telling the TRUTH -- Peter stops before his car, on outrageous old clunker, and fishes out his keys. CHARLEY You just said you believe in VAMPIRES -- PETER (SHARPLY) I' lied. Now leave me alone. He opens the door only to have Charley slam it shut, star- ing at Peter desperately. â¢ CHARLEY Please, you have to listen to me. The vampire tried to kill me last night-and trashed mv car when he didn't succeed. He'll be coming back for me tonight and if I don't get help, he's going to kill me -- Peter shoves him aside,â¢hopping into his car, quickly lock- ing the door behind him, obviously terrified of Charley. As he starts the engine, Charley beats on the window. CHARLEY Mr. Vincent, you've got to believe INC -- (CONTINUED) 37. 61 CONTINUED: (3) Peter backs up, hauling ass out of the lot, Charley running after him.' CHARLEY Mr. Vincent He comes to a halt, realizing its useless, standing there .watching as Peter disappears out of the lot and down the street. CUT TO: 62 OMITTED 63 EXT. BREWSTER HOUSE - DAY Amy rides up on her moped just as Evil Ed starts.up the front walk toward Charley's house. She dismounts, looking at him. AMY What are you doing here? EVIL ED Me? What about you? I thought you just dumped him. AMY (hurrying up the walk) What I'm doing here is-none of your business. EVIL ED (hurrying after her) Aha, you do like him! He disappears into the house right behind her. 64 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - DAY Amy and Evil Ed push open the door and step inside,'Amy yelling up the steps. AMY Anybody home? No answer, nothing but silence. She and'Evil Ed exchange glances, then start up the steps. 65 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - DAY ' Amy and Evil Ed walk through the door and stop, gasping at what they see. (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/16/84 38. 65 CONTINUED: The room has been transformed from a normal, happy kid's room into a armament camp for a vampire assault. The window is nailed shut,. strands of garlic, a dozen at least, hung from the curtains. Dime store crosses and cru- cifixes are everywhere,, in every imaginable shape and size. Charley sits. in' the middle of the floor, whittling a stake from a slat of grape fence, a hammer by his side. EVIL ED (STARING AROUND) What's all this for? CHARLEY Self-defense. Not that I think I'll need it. He'll be dead before nightfall. AMY (exchanging.: worried glances with Evil. Ed) Who will be? CHARLEY Dandrige. I'm waiting for the guy he lives with to leave, then I'm doing to go next door, find his coffin, and pound this through his heart. He holds up the stake. Evil Ed and Amy look at it, hor- rified. AMY That's murder, Charley. CHARLEY (looking back at her with total seriousness) You can't murder a vampire, Amy. They're already dead, remember. AMY Charley, you're acting crazy. CHARLEY I don't have any choice, Amy. The police won't listen to me,.my mother thinks I'm crazy, you two, even Peter Vincent thinks I'm nuts. AMY (SHOCKED AGAIN) You actually went to Peter Vincent? (CONTINUED) 39. Rev. 11/16/84 65 CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY (NODDING) Yeah. Dandrige has got to be stopped. Listen. I just taped this. He hits the play button on his stereo Dolby TAPE DECK and a local RADIO NEWSCAST PLAYS back. over the speakers. NEWSCASTER (V..0. ) And now for the two o'clock news. Another body of a young woman was discovered early this morning in back of the Sheraton Mall -- He hits the stop button and turns back to them. CEARLEY See. After he attacked me last night he went out and had his dinner. (turning to stare out the window at the Dandrige house again) No, I- don't have any choice. Somebody has to stop him. Hold.on, I need ANOTHER STAKE He rises and disappears out the door into the hall. Evil Ed turns to Amy, truly frightened for the first time. He whispers to her. EVIL ED What are we going to do? if we don't stop him he's actually going to try to kill this guy. (REALLY HORRIFIED) With a stake through the heart! AMY I know, I know -- EVIL ED I don't believe this. It's like Fright Night. AMY (her eyes lighting up) That's it! -EVIL ED What? AMY We get Peter Vincent to prove to him that this Dandrige guy isn't a vampire. EVIL ED (shocked by the SUGGESTION) How are we going to do that? (CONTINUED) bi Rev. 10/9/84 40. 65 CONTINUED: (3) AMY I don't-know, but we better figure out a way if we don't want to be visiting Charley in jail. Charley enters from the hall, carrying another slat of wood to be sharpened. Evil Ed and Amy fall silent as he takes his seat by the window and goes back to his whittling. AMY (nervously clearing her THROAT) Charley, .it's going to be dangerous doing into that house alone, isn't it? (CHARLEY NODS) You're going to need all the help you can get, right? Somebody like Peter Vincent for instance. CHARLEY I told you, I already tried him. AMY Why not let us try before you do anything? CHARLEY Why should he believe you anymore than he did me? AMY Maybe we're better talkers. CHARLEY Fat chance. AMY What happens if you go into that house alone and he gets you? Who's going to stop him then? EVIL ED (JOINING IN) Yeah, then he'll be able to suck his way through this entire town. Not that it would-be much of a loss. CHARLEY (SLOWLY) I don't know -- (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 41. 65 CONTINUED: (4) AMY (pushing him hard) Charley, it'll be dark soon. You don't want to go into-"that house then, do you? CHARLEY No, you're right there. (ANOTHER MOMENT; FINALLY) All right, try him again.. AMY (RISING) Great. Now, you promise you won't do anything till .you hear from us? (as Charley nods; she turns to Evil Ed) Come. on -- Evil Ed hurries out of the room, Amy following him. Charley calls after her. CHARLEY AMY -- (she stops, turning BACK) You don't believe me, do you? AMY (SLOWLY) I love you., Charley. She turns and hurries out of the room. 66 OMITTED 67 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - DAY Billy stands at the window, peering through the curtain at Amy and Evil Ed as they hurry out of Charley's house and start down the street. He glances at his watch. It's four o'clock, another good two hours before dusk begins to fall. .He turns and stares thoughtfully up the stairway in the di- rection. of the attic. CUT TO: 68 OMITTED 69 INT. APARTMENT - DAY Peter lets himself into his efficency apartment carrying a handful of mail. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/64 41A. 69 CONTINUED: 69 The place is small, but neat, the walls dotted with posters of his various movies, all in the horror genre, stretching back at least three decades. The bookshelves' and table are dotted with memorabilia, props and awards, from his various roles. He stops by the. table, going through the mail. They're bills and more bills, many marked "Last Notice", one of them an order to vacate this apartment within three days for failure to pay rent. Suddenly there is a KNOCK at his door and he goes wearily to answer it. He opens it to find Amy and Evil Ed standing there. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 42. 69 CONTINUED: (2) PETER Yes. AMY Could we talk to you for a moment, Mr. Vincent? Â¢ PETER (his gaze sliding to the unpaid bills) I'm afraid now isn't the best time -- AMY Please. It's terribly important. He stares at her and. sees the desperation in her eyes. He steps back, closing the door behind him, and following them into the room. PETER Now what' can I do for you? An autograph or an interview for your school newspaper? AMY I'm afraid this is much more. important. PETER (FROWNING) Oh, really? AMY I know you're a very busy man, Mr. Vincent, but we're trying to save a boy's life. PETER (HURUMPHING) Well, yes, I see, where that could be more important. Would you care to explain yourself? EVIL ED (STEPPING IN) You remember a fruitcake kid named Charley Brewster. He said he came to see you? PETER' (shaking his head) No. AMY He's the one who thinks a vampire is living next door. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 43. 69 CONTINUED: (2) 1 PETER (SMILING) Oh, yes. He's insane. (looking at Amy) Dear me, I hope he's not a friend of yours? EVIL ED . (MALICIOUSLY) She's got the hots for the creep. She flushes and smacks Evil Ed, making him yelp. She turns back to Peter. AMY We need your help' to stop him, Mr. Vincent. You see, he really does believe his next 'door neighbor is a vampire. Re's planning to kill him. EVIL ED (GLEEFULLY) Yeah, with a stake through the heart. 'Peter stares at them for a moment. PETER Are you two serious? (as Any nods) My dear, your friend needs a psychiatrist, not'a vampire killer. AMY (BEGGING) Please, Mr. Vincent. PETER I'm afraid not, my dear. (nodding at an open suitcase on the bed) You see, Hollywood beckons. I've been offered a starring role in a major movie. I've even had to quit Fright Night. So you see, I'm AFRAID -- .AMY I'll hire you. I'll give you money. PETER (quick as a wink) How much? (CONTINUED) or Rev. 11/26/84 44. 69 CONTINUED: (3) AMY I have a five hundred dollar savings BOND -- PETER I'll take it. (sitting in a chair across from her, sud- denly all charm) Now how are we going to cure your little friend of this delusion? EVIL ED I got it all figured out. We all go next door to the neighbor and you run some kind of vampire test on-him and pronounce-him human. Like in "Orgy of the Damned." You know, where you looked in the mirror and the guy didn't have a reflection and then you knew he was a vampire. PETER (GETTING MISTY-EYED) Ah, yes, that was one of my favorite roles. I still have the prop. 'He pulls out a silver cigarette case and flips it open. The inside of the lid is a mirror. He suddenly snaps it shut and slips it back into his pocket, looking up at them. PETER It sounds fine to me, but how do we get this next door neighbor to agree? EVIL ED (CONFIDENTLY) Leave that to me -- Nobody glances out the window as Evil Ed picks up the phone and dials 411, but if they did, they'd see night has fallen. CUT TO: 70 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT As the CAMERA watches all the clocks on the wall begin to tick, signaling dusk has fallen and Jerry is awakening. CAMERA PANS off the clocks to phone on the portico table. It RINGS. Billy appears down the hall. from the kitchen. He picks it up. BILLY Yes. (CONTINUED) 45. 7Q CONTINUED: He listens as what must be the ATTIC DOOR is heard CREAKING OPEN on the floor above. Billy turns and stares up the stairway as Jerry appears out of the darkness, slowly walk- ing down the steps. Billy holds the phone out to him. BILLY It's for you. Jerry takes it. JERRY Yes. (HE LISTENS) Yes, this is Jerry Dandrige. (he listens some more, slowly smiling) I see. Yes, of course, I'm always willing to help young people. But Vm afraid crosses wouldn't do. You see, I've been reborn recently. He smiles at Billy; Billy smiles back. CUT BACK TO: 71 INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Evil Ed cups his hand over the receiver and turns to Peter as Amy watches.' EVIL ED He's a reborn Christian. He thinks crosses would be sacrilegious. PETER Ask him how he feels-about holy water? EVIL ED (back.into the phone) How about holy water? (he listens, then back TO PETER) Won't do either. PETER Tell him it'll-be just ordinary tap water and all he has to do is take a sip. Evil Ed turns back to the phone. CUT BACK TO: 46. 71A INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - NIGHT Jerry listens into the phone while Billy watches. JERRY Yes, that sounds fine. Only don't come over till six tomorrow. (PAUSE) I'll be out until then. He slowly hangs up and turns to Billy. JERRY It seems we won't have to go out tonight after all. His friends are bringing him over tomorrow night. (PAUSE) To prove to him that I'm not a vampire. Billy smiles. So does Jerry. DISSOLVE TO: 72 OMITTED 73 EXT. BREWSTER AND DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT Evil Ed and Amy drive up in a cab, hopping out, and hurry up the walk toward Charley's house. 74 INT. CHARLEY'S ROOM - NIGHT Charley sits in the dark-, a razor sharp wooden stake in one hand, a hammer in the other. He's dividing his attention between the window and the door. There is a M40CK at the door. He raises the stake, ready to defend himself. CHARLEY Who is it? EVIL ED (O . S . ) It's me and Amy, stupid. Open up. Charley opens the-door and lets them in. Amy throws her- self into his arms, almost dancing around the room in her joy. AMY Charley, Peter Vincent said he'd come. CHARLEY He did. When? AMY Tomorrow at six. (CONTINUED) 47. 74 CONTINUED% CHARLEY (SUDDENLY FRIGHTENED) But Dandrige will be out of his coffin by then. EVIL ED, Relax, he's Peter Vincent, the Great Vampire Killer. He must know what he's doing, right? CHARLEY (GETTING PARANOID) I don't know. Maybe.he didn't take it SERIOUSLY -- AMY (LYING MIGHTILY) Oh, he did, Charley, he did. CHARLEY (looking at her) Honest? AMY (NODDING SOLEMNLY) Honest. CHARLEY (SLOWLY) Then maybe we it really have a chance to kill Dandrige tomorrow night. (tears welling up in his eyes) You two don't know what it's been like, knowing there's a vampire living next door and having no one believe me -- AMY (SOOTHINGLY) It's all right, Charley She takes him in her arms, holding him close as Evil Ed turns away in disgust, staring out the window at the dark- ened window next door. 75 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - NIGHT Jerry sits in the dark, rocking back and forth in a chair, staring out the window into Charley's room, catching just the dim outlines of the three kids in the house next door. He smiles; if anybody saw the smile, they'd run screaming in the opposite direction. DISSOLVE TO: Yl Rev. 11/23/84 48. 76 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - DUSK INTO NIGHT The three teenagers, Charley, Evil Ed, and Amy, stand in front of the house waiting. Dusk is slowly gathering, the shadows lengthening as night closes about them. Charley glances nervously at his watch. CHARLEY 'It's six ten. He said he'd be here at six, right? EVIL ED Relax. He said he'd be here, he'll be here. Peter's old clunker appears around the corner. Amy is the first to see it. AMY Here he comes. The kids rush the car as Peter pulls up. CHARLEY Mr. Vincent, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this -- Peter slowly gets out of the car, stretching to his full height. He wears his vampire killer regalia, the Victorian suit, and carries a small leather satchel. There is some- thing truly majestic about him.. He looks down at Charley, laying it on. with a trowel. PETER Charley Brewster, I presume? (as Charley nods; Peter shakes his hand) Peter Vincent, vampire killer. And now down to business. Where is the lair of this suspected creature of the night? CHARLEY (pointing at the DANDRIGE HOUSE) There. PETER (STUDYING IT) Ah, yes, I see what you mean. There is a distinct possibility. He opens the satchel, withdraws a small crystal vial of water, slips it into his jacket pocket, closes the bag, and replaces it on the front seat of his car. He locks the car and turns back to the kids., straightening his shoulders. PETER Well, shall we? (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 49. 76 CONTINUED: CHARLEY Where're your stakes and hammer? PETER. I left them in my bag-. CHARLEY (HORRIFIED) You're not going in there without them? PETER I have to prove he's a vampire before I kill him, Charley. CHARLEY But I know he's a vampire. PETER But I am the one that has to know, Charley. This is holy water. If it touches him, he'll blister- and in this case I asked him to drink it while we all watched. He readily agreed. CHARLEY (SHOCKED) He did? PETER Yes. Which doesn't exactly strengthen your case, does it? Now, shall we go. He takes a step up the walk. Charley grabs his arm. CHARLEY But, Mr. Vincent, if I'm right and you prove he's a vampire, he'll kill us all right then and there. PETER No, he won't, Charley. Not with me here to protect you. After all, I'm Peter Vincent.. ' - (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/26/84 50. GR 76 CONTINUED: (2) He starts up the walk, Amy and Evil Ed following him. Charley runs after him, increasingly desperate. CHARLEY, But, Mr. Vincent, you don't know how powerful he is. He can change into a bat and fly through the night -- Peter stops on the porch, knocking on the door, listening to the boy with half an ear. PETER Of course, Charley, of course. But then he's never dealt with me before either. CHARLEY BUT -- Billy Cole opens the door, his face lighting up when he sees Peter.He shakes his hand warmly. BILLY Mr. Vincent, Billy Cole. This is a pleasure. Won't you all come .in? He steps back and.Peter, Evil Ed, and Amy enter the house. Charley has no choice but to follow. 77 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - NIGHT Billy turns and yells up the stairs, all the clocks behind him ticking madly, the hour 6:30 p.m. BILLY Hey, Jerry, they're here. Several seconds pass. Nothing happens. Peter turns to Billy. PETER Perhaps he didn't hear you. BILLY (SMILING) Oh, he heard me all right. Suddenly a STEP CREAKS at the top of the staircase where the shadows are the heaviest. Slowly Jerry Dandrige walks down the stairs into view, first his elegant shoes, then his legs with their fashionable pants, and finally the rest of him, all beautifully turned out. His handsome face stares down. at them as he makes his entrance. There is something truly majestic about him, both incredibly attrac- tive and yet frightening at the same time. (CONTINUED) 51. vl Rev. 11/23/84 77 CONTINUED: Jerry reaches the bottom of the stairs and turns to Peter with a blinding smile. JERRY Ah, Mr. Vincent. (shaking Peter's hand WARMLY) I've seen all your films and I've .found them very amusing. PETER (OBVIOUSLY PLEASED) Why, thank you -- JERRY (turning to Amy-and - Evil Ed) And who might these two attractive people be? PETER (doing the intros) This is Ed Thompson and Amy Peterson. JERRY (bending low over Amy's hand and kissing it) Charmed. (looking up at Charley with a wicked smile) Isn't that what vampires are supposed to do, Charley? Charley scowls at him. The others laugh. Jerry turns to the living room. JERRY Please, come in -- Be ushers Peter into the living room, Billy following. Amy and Evil Ed stare after Jerry, both totally captivated. AMY God, he's neat. She follows him into the living room. Evil Ed shoots Charley a disgusted glance. (CONTINUED) 52. 77 CONTINUED: (2) EVIL ED Some vampire, Brewster. He follows the others. Left alone, Charley has no choice but to join them. 78 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Jerry looks around at the packing crates and few pieces of dusty furniture and turns back to the others. JERRY I I You'll have to excuse the mess. I'm still unpacking -- CHARLEY (SOURLY) 1 Where do you keep your coffin? Or do you have more than one? PETER (a warning growl) CHARLEY -- JERRY (SMILING) It's all right, Mr. Vincent. I'm quite used to it by,now. As you may or may not know, Charley even brought the police over a few days ago. Peter, Amy, and Evil Ed all look at Charley, shocked. AMY Charley, you didn't. CHARLEY (ANGRILY) Damn right, I did; Only the cops .didn't believe me anymore than any of you. (back to Jerry) But you'll believe me in a few seconds. Mr. Vincent, give him the holy water. PETER (WARNING HIM) Charley, there's no reason to be rude about this -- PETER (raising a placating hand) It's perfectly all right, Mr. Vincent. Where is the, ah, holy water? (CONTINUED) 4 53. 78 CONTINUED: Peter withdraws the vial from his pocket. Jerry eyes it warily, staring at Peter, his voice suddenly heavy with double meaning. JERRY Are you sure that's holy water, Mr. Vincent? PETER (playing it up) Positive. I saw Father Scanlon bless it down at Saint Mary's myself. Jerry takes the vial from his-hand, pulling the stopper, and sniffing at it, for the first time nervousness creeping into his manner.. Charley sidles up to Amy, whispering in her ear as Jerry prepares to drink the water. CHARLEY Get ready to run. I'll protect you with this. He edges a cross out of his pocket, just giving her a glimpse of it. He glances up just as Jerry lifts his head back and. downs the contents of the vial in one swallow. He 1 7 7 turns to Peter triumphantly. JERRY There, satisfied? PETER Totally. (TO CHARLEY) Charley, you saw it. Are you convinced now that Mr. Dandrige isn't a vampire? Charley stares at Jerry and the vial, stunned almost into speechlessness. CHARLEY But, it can't be -- PETER You just saw it, Charley. You know as well as I do that no vampire could drink blessed water. CHARLEY Then it wasn't blessed! PETER (HUFF ILY) Are you calling me a liar, young man? (CONTINUED) 54. 78 CONTINUED: ( 2) Charley looks at Jerry. Jerry stares back at hire, smiling. Charley suddenly whips the cross out of his packet and holds it up. CHARLEY If he's not a vampire, then have him touch this? Jerry stiffens, his face losing its color, but none of the others notice. They're all looking askance at Charley. Peter steps up to the boy. PETER Charley, you've already made a fool of yourself once. There's no reason to compound the error. _ JERRY Yes, Charley, you've already.caused your friends quite enough pain. (his eyes burning into Charley, hammering the POINT HOME) You don't want to cause them any more, do you? Charley sees.Dandrigeâ¢coiling to . spring, Billy sliding into place blocking the doorway to the portico. The tension level in the room is suddenly unbearable. Peter, Amy, and Evil Ed are aware of it although they don't know the reason. Charley slowly edges the cross back into his pocket. CHARLEY No, no, of course not., JERRY And you're finally-convinced I'm not a vampire either,-correct? Their eyes lock; a moment passes. Then finally: CHARLEY Yes. Jerry smiles at him and the tension suddenly flows out of the room. Billy even smiles. Jerry steps forward, usher- ing them all toward the portico. JERRY Well, I'm glad that's all.settled. 79 INT. PORTICO - NIGHT. They all stop before the front door, Billy in the back- ground Jerry turns to Peter. (CONTINUED) 55. 79 CONTINUED: JERRY I can't tell you how much I. appreciate this, Mr. Vincent. You've been a great help. PETER -. Not at all, Mr. Dandrige. Glad to be of service. Jerry ignores Charley, turning to Amy and Evil Ed as Peter steps back, reaching into his coat pocket for his cigarette case. JERRY It's been very nice meeting both of you. Please, feel free to drop by anytime. (his eyes singling out Amy and.burning into her) You'll always be welcome. AMY (her eyes beginning to glaze over) I'd, I'd like that, Mr. Dandrige. JERRY Please, call me Jerry. Her face is beginning to stiffen, her eyes turning blank. Charley looks at her in sudden alarm, remembering the girl he saw through the window that night. He grabs Amy by the arm, tugging. her toward the door. CHARLEY C'mon, let's get out of here -- AMY (pulling away from him, her gaze never LEAVING DANDRIGE) Just a minute, Charley -- Smiling, Jerry turns to Evil Ed as behind them all Peter opens his cigarette case, takes out a smoke, about to tamp it down on a thumbnail when he glances at the mirror on the inside of the-lid. He sees Amy, Evil Ed, and Charley grouped around where Jerry Dandrige should be standing, but he's not there. It's as though the kids are talking to thin air. (CONTINUED) 56. 79 CONTINUED: (2) JERRY The same goes for you,.Ed I suspect we have many of the same interests. You know, in such things as horror movies and the occult. Peter's head jerks up and he looks at the doorway. Now he sees Jerry standing there, talking to the kids. Peter 4 looks back down at the mirror again. No Jerry. His face goes chalk white, his mouth gasps for air, and he drops the case from his palsied hands. It smashes to the hardwood floor with a crash. Everyone turns and looks at him. JERRY Something wrong, Mr. Vincent? Peter hurriedly scoops up the case, trying to hide his shaking hands and keep the tremor out of his voice. PETER No, no, just my clumsiness. Come along, we must be going. Thank you again, Mr. Dandrige He ushers the teenagers out the front door as Jerry watches, puzzled by his sudden change in attitude. 80 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT Peter plunges down the walk to his ca-r, the kids hurrying to keep up with him. Charley looks at him. CHARLEY What's wrong with you? PETER Nothing. He stops by his car, fumbling his keys-out of his pocket, hardly able to fit them into the lock with his trembling hands. CHARLEY Then why are your hands shaking? PETER (his hands shaking worse than ever) They're- not shaking. Be finally gets the door open, hurriedly sliding in behind the wheel, slamming the door behind them. Charley leans down, speaking through the partially open window. (CONTINUED) Rev. 12/4/84 57. 80 CONTINUED% CHARLEY You saw something in there, didn't you, something that convinced you he was a vampire? PETER Will you be quiet. CHARLEY Is Jerry Dandrige a vampire or not? 4 PETER (struggling to get the car started) No, of course not. CHARLEY Please, Mr. Vincent, you have to tell me. Our lives depend on it. PETER All right. He didn't cast a reflection in my mirror. Satisfied now? CHARLEY Mr. Vincent, you have to call the Polic e-and tell them -- The-ENGINE finally CATCHES, and he ROARS away in a cloud of burning rubber, Charley watching him go, half frustrated to death. CHARLEY SHITI 80A INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - NIGHT Billy and.Jerry peer out the window, watching the-kids walk away from the house. JERRY (almost to himself) I could teach her so much -- BILLY What? JERRY Nothing. Jerry turns away from the window, sits at the foot of the stairs. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 57A. BOA CONTINUED: BILLY (still at window) Well, at least they'll never believe the kid now. Jerry glances down and sees a sliver of mirror from Peter's cracked cigarette case at his feet. He picks it up, examining it. He casts no reflection in it. He holds it up for Billy to see. JERRY No? (RISING) Let's go. He grabs his leather jacket and moves- down the hallway toward the back door, Billy quickly following. SOB EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - STREET - NIGHT The kids are walking down the street away from the Dandrige house, the CAMERA CRANING UP to FOLLOW them as they recede in the distance, the darkness slowly swallowing them up. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 58 80B CONTINUED: CHARLEY (turning to Amy and Evil Ed) Well, at least you two heard him. EVIL ED Heard who?- I CHARLEY Peter Vincent. He said Dandrige had no reflection. EVIL ED Probably just a trick of the light. CHARLEY (whirling on Amy) You felt how evil Dandrige was, didn't you, Amy? Remember the way he looked at you? AMY (confused by the MEMORIES) Yes, sort of -- EVIL ED (bored with it all) Oh, for Christ sake -- He turns, about to duck between two houses. CHARLEY Where are you going? EVIL ED Rome. It's dinner time. CHARLEY Wait a minute. We walk Amy home first. EVIL ED Why? CHARLEY Because it's after dark, pencil.dick, and there's a vampire back there! Be points back at the Dandrige house. Evil Ed just stares at him. EVIL ED Oh, shit, Brewster, you're certifiable, you know that. (CONTINUED) 58A. pk Rev. 11/16/84 80B CONTINUED: They all start down the street together again; growing smaller and smaller until they disappear into the darkness. 81 81 OMITTED CUT TO: 82 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT The town of Rancho Corvallis is middling size, perhaps a hundred thousand people. 1 (CONTINUED) 59. 82 CONTINUED: There are several tall buildings around, not many but enough. Street lamps cast pools of bright light and deep shadows everywhere. There are a few pedestrians out, a few cars passing by, but once again, not many. The three kids walk down the street. Evil Ed stops before the open mouth to a shadow encrusted alleyway. EVIL ED .Let's cut through here. CHARLEY No way. We want people and lights, the more the better. EVIL ED Look, Brewster, vampires don't exist. Haven't you gotten that through your thick head yet? CHARLEY What if you're wrong, Evil? What if Dandrige is a vampire and he thinks you know it. Would you walk down that alley then? The hair on the back of Evil Ed's neck starts to stand on end. Then he denies it. EVIL ED Aw, fuck you, Brewster. He takes a step toward the alley. Charley grabs him. CHARLEY Ed, please, just stick with us. EVIL ED Forget it. You may be chickenshit, but I'm not. He disappears down the alley into the darkness. Amy and Charley stare after him. She turns to Charley. AMY What do we ' do?.. CHARLEY Â¢ Let him go. No vampire's gonna want hint anyway.. Probably give him blood poisoning. They're about to turn away when a blood curdling SCREAM ECHOES out of the darkness of the alleyway. It's Evil Ed. Charley and Amy dash headlong into the alley after him. 60. 83 INT. ALLEY - NIGHT They speed through the darkness, skidding to a halt on the shadow slick pavement, looking around. CHARLEY Where is he? Amy spots him laying crumpled against a wall. AMY Over here. I They dash to him, kneeling by his side. Evil Ed's eyes are closed, his breathing shallow. Charley tries to shake him awake. CHARLEY Ed, Ed, are you all right? Nothing from Evil Ed. Charley looks at Amy. CHARLEY Jesus, I warned him -- Evil Ed's eyes suddenly snap open, staring up wildly at Charley. EVIL ED He got me, Charley. He bit me. (grabbing him by THE LAPELS) You know what you're gonna have to do, don't you? (as Charley shakes his head, really scared) Kill me, Charley. Kill me before I turn into a vampire and -- He suddenly heaves himself.at Charley, his mouth opening, going for his throat as Charley jerks back, terrified. EVIL ED Give you a hickey! He suddenly lets Charley go, rolling on the pavement and laughing like a maniac, perfectly all tight. Charley springs to his feet, furious with him. CHARLEY You asshole, you fucking asshole! Evil Ed rolls on the ground in hysterics, pointing at him, and laughing loudly. (CONTINUED) 61. 83 CONTINUED: EVIL ED Ha, hah, really fooled you. (climbing to his feet and dusting HIMSELF OFF) You really believed me, you poor dope! CHARLEY (flushed with anger) You'll get yours someday, Evil. He grabs Amy's hand and walks back down the alley toward the street and the lights. Evil Ed yells after him. EVIL ED (MOCKINGLY) Yeah., when? When I'm bit by a vampire? There are no such things as vampires, you fruit cake! Still chuckling to himself, he turns in the opposite direc- tion and-disappears down the alleyway into the darkness. A moment passes; nothing but silence. Then Jerry Dandrige steps out from a shadowy wall where it would be impossible for any mortal to have concealed himself. It's almost as though he materializes out of the night. He stares after Charley and Amy and then slowly turns to stare in the opposite direction after Evil Ed. He slowly walks in that direction. 83A EXT. FARTHER DOWN THE ALLEY -.NIGHT Evil Ed walks along, feeling safe and secure. And then he hears it, FOOTSTEPS behind him, coming through the dark slowly toward him. He turns and looks back. EVIL ED Charley, Amy, that you? He hears nothing but those FOOTSTEPS GETTING CLOSER.and CLOSER. The fear starts to work at him, twisting up his gut and making his forehead sheen with sweat. He steps forward, yelling out with false bravery. EVIL ED If that's. you, it isn't working. I'm not scared! And then Jerry emerges out of the shadows, smiling at him. With a scream, Evil Ed turns and runs. bl Rev. 10/9/84 62. 83B EXT. FURTHER DOWN THE ALLEY - NIGHT Evil Ed runs like he's never run before,â¢pounding through the dark, smashing into traffic cans and falling to the ground, leaping to-his feet, ignoring his skinned hands and bruised knees, running for his life and knowing it. 83C EXT. DEAD END NIGHT He suddenly skids to a halt, facing a brick wall. He whirls, his breath-coming in ragged gasps now, peering down the alleyway into the dark, listening to those FOOTSTEPS getting closer and closer. He slowly backs away until he has no further to go his back against the brick wall, on the verge of hysteria. EVIL ED No, no -- The FOOTSTEPS SUDDENLY STOP. Nothing but silence. The seconds tick past. He takes a step away from the wall, peering into the darkness with something like hope, preying that maybe, just maybe, Dandrige has given up. A voice suddenly whispers in his ear, no more than an inch away. JERRY Hello, .Edward. Evil Ed turns with a scream to find Jerry standing right next to him. Almost insane with fear now, slobbering like a wounded animal, he backs away from the shadowy figure, hitting the corner and sliding to the cold pavement, almost curled up in a fetal ball, tears streaming from his eyes. Dandrige walks over to him, staring down with something like pity in his eyes. JERRY You have nothing to fear from me. (in a voice like honey) I understand what it's like, being different. Only they won't make fun of you anymore or beat you up. I'll see to that. All you have to do is take my hand. Evil Ed slowly looks up at him through his tear-stained eyes to see Jerry staring-down at him, his. hand outstretch- ed to.him, a slight smile on his face, gentle, seductive, beguiling. JERRY Here, Edward, take my hand. Evil Ed looks down at the hand outstretched to him. (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/16/84 63. 83C CONTINUED: It's beautiful, perfectly shaped with thin, elegant fingers, almost womanly, the nails impossibly long, perfectly shapped, tapering to five gleaming, razor sharp points. Evil Ed slowly reaches out and-takes the vampire's hand. Jerry smiles down at him and slowly leans down, lifting him up into the last embrace Edward Thompson will ever know. 84 EXT. STREET - NIGHT Charley and Amy walk rapidly along a street, heading toward Amy's home. He casts a glance at her. CHARLEY How much further? AMY About ten minutes -- A DEATH RATTLE, long and-high-pitched, suddenly comes to them, ECHOING through the city streets, down alleyways and across apartment buildings, faint yet filled with so much terror it stops them in their tracks and leaves them staring fearfully about at the shadows. CHARLEY What was that? AMY Evil Ed messing around. (SHOUTING) Not funny, Evil! Her voice bounces off the walls down the street and then dies, leaving them staring at the darkness and the shadows, fearful. Amy tries to act brave, turning to Charley. AMY C'MON -- They start down the street again, Charley glancing nervously over his. shoulder in the direction of Evil Ed's scream. CHARLEY Amy, what if Evil really was in trouble? AMY Oh, come on, Charley, don't let him suck you in again -- All the street lights suddenly go out, plunging them into almost total blackness. (CONTINUED) Rev. 12/4/84 64. 84 CONTINUED: They whirl, looking back down the now totally dark street, slowly backing away from the darkness. CHARLEY (to Army, in a HOARSE WHISPER) Don't tell me it's a power outage. AMY (EQUALLY SCARED) What else could it be -- 7 Charley stops, grabbing her, and nods to a light pole oppo- site them. She follows his gaze to see a power box on the pole, its front ripped open, the wires inside shredded.- Before they can even gasp at the sight, they hear the SOUND { OF HUGE WINGS beating overhead.. A huge shadow of a bat flies across the building wall opposite them. That's all it takes; they whirl, dashing down the street. 85 OMITTED 86 87 EXT. ANOTHER STREET - NIGHT They come-racing down a street, under a bridge and start up the incline toward the ROAR above. They turn onto the bridge, starting to.cross it., slowing to a walk, breathing hard. CHARLEY I think we lost him. AMY Yeah. (stopping and turning TO CHARLEY) Charley, you were right about the holy water. We faked it. I'm just sorry I didn't believe you. CHARLEY It's all right, Amy. He kisses her, takes her hand, and they start walking up the bridge. CHARLEY We've got it made And they freeze.' There, high above them on one of the arches of the bridge, so high up no one could possibly get there unless they flew, stands Jerry Dandrige, staring down at them. With a scream, they whirl, racing off the bridge and down the street. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 64A-. 87 CONTINUED: They suddenly turn the corner only to find they are facing Jerry Dandrige, standing on the sidewalk directly in front of them, amused by the frozen expressions of horror on their faces. CHARLEY- Run? He grabs Amy's hand, the two of them whirling and dis- appearing around the street corner. 88 OMITTED 89 EXT.. ANOTHER STREET - NIGHT I They race down the street.for the far corner. 90 EXT. ANOTHER STREET - NIGHT They whip around the corner only to skid to a halt. There stands. Jerry Dandrige again, smiling at them. He takes a step toward them and they whirl, diving down a side street. 91 EXT. SIDE STREET - CLUE RADIO - NIGHT They tear down the street, teeing the Club Radio, a fashionable disco, across the street. Its entrance is jammed with people trying to get in, all of them dressed to the teeth in New Wave and neo-punk. CHARLEY Over here -- (CONTINUED) I 65. 91 CONTINUED: Charley dives for it, dragging Amy after him just as Jerry appears. around the corner behind them, walking toward then with a steady gait, relaxed, in no great hurry, a hunter sure of his kill. Charley and Amy fight their way through the crowd until they reach the front door. A BOUNCER stands there, check- ing I.D.s and collecting the cover charge. He hardly looks down as Amy and Charley step up. BOUNCER Five bucks apiece. Charley frantically searches his pockets and comes up with change and nothing else. Amy pulls out a ten dollar bill and hands it to him. AMY I've got it -- As Charley takes it from her, he glances over her shoulder and sees Jerry moving through the crowd toward them. He shoves the money at the Bouncer hurriedly. CHARLEY HERE -- The man takes it and Charley grabs Amy, pulling her toward the door, watching over his shoulder as Jerry keeps coming closer and closer toward them. Suddenly the Bouncer reaches out and collars Charley'. BOUNCER Hey, just a sec. How old are you two? CHARLEY (lying through his TEETH) Eighteen. BOUNCER Let me see some I.D. Charley glances back. Jerry is just an arm's length away now. A MAN suddenly shoulders him aside just as he's about to grab Charley and Amy. MAN Hey, wait you turn. Jerry turns and stares at the man. Whatever the man sees in Jerry's eyes gives him the,cold sweats and.he backs hurriedly away. (CONTINUED) R 66. 91 CONTINUED: (2) Charley grabs Amy, using the moment to pull her away from the door and Jerry. The Bouncer shouts after them, holding up the ten spot. BOUNCER Hey, what about your.money? Charley and Amy come out of the crowd, backing away from the door just as Jerry emerges, stepping after them. He's only ten feet away now, smiling as he approaches, both kids realizing it's hopeless to run at this point. Backing away, Charley and Amy cross the mouth of an alley. There's the CRASH OF A GARBAGE PAIL and Charley glances down the alley to see a dish washer from the club dumping garbage, the bright lights of the door into the kitchen shining like a beacon in the night. Charley grabs Amy's hand and jerks her down the alley after him as he races for the door. 92 INT. CLUB RADIO KITCHEN - NIGHT He and Amy race through the mad house of a kitchen, one of the COOKS glancing up from chopping lettuce as they speed pass. COOK (waving his butcher knife at them) Hey, you can't go in there! 93 INT. CLUB RADIO - NIGHT They burst through the door to find themselves in a packed VIDEO DISCO, four huge screens overlooking the dance floor, all of them playing Michael Jackson's "Thriller." Charley and Amy disappear into the crush of people. A moment later the cook appears from the kitchen, signaling a bouncer cir- cling the floor, keeping a wary eye out for trouble. Charley and Amy fight their way through the sea of dancers, Charley looking about. He sees what he wants, a sign above a hallway reading. rest rooms and phone. He drags Amy in that direction. At the corner of the dance floor, the cook can be seen ges- turing to the bouncer, pointing in the direction the two kids took. 94 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT They break through the crowd and down the short hallway to a bank of pay phones opposite the restrooms. Charley digs a dime outâ¢of his pocket, drops it, and dials. Amy screams at him to make herself heard above the din. (CONTINUED) 67. 94 CONTINUED: AMY Who are you calling? CHARLEY (SCREAMING BACK) The police. (back into the phone) Yeah, give me Lieutenant Lennox. CUT TO: 94A INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT There is a KNOCK at Peter's locked and barred door. He slowly rises from his chair, the cross clenched in his hand, staring at it, terrified. The KNOCKING COMES.AGAIN, louder this time. He presses his lips to the door, whis- pering. PETER Who is it? EVIL ED Me, Evil Ed. PETER What do you want? EVIL ED There's a vampire out here. Let me in. Peter slips the cross into his pocket and unlocks the door. Be pulls Evil Ed into the room, hurriedly locking and bar- ring the door behind him. Evil Ed has changed, and not for the better. His skin is more sallow, huge dark circles under his eyes, his lips bloodless, his collar pulled up tightly around his neck. Peter turns to him. PETER What are we going-to do? EVIL ED What are you going to do, not me. Peter stares at him as Evil Ed slowly reaches up and pulls down the collar of his shirt, revealing two small puncture marks on his throat. Peter's eyes widen in horror; Evil Ed's smile only grows wider. EVIL ED I used to admire you, you know that. Of course, that was before I found out what â¢a fake you were. (CONTINUED) 68. 94A CONTINUED: He advances on Peter, looming over him, Peter staring up at the boy in growing terror. Evil. Ed smiles at him, reveal- ing two huge fangs. Peter leaps out of the chair, dashing for the door, fumbling to undo the locks and bars with trembling fingers. Evil Ed watches, his rictus grin just growing wider. EVIL ED Peter Vincent, the great vampire killer, indeed! He throws himself at Peter, grabbing him from behind and whirling him about, opening his mouth wide to sink his fangs into him. Peter straightens, grabbing the cross from his pocket and thrusting it directly into Evil Ed's face, slamming it into his forehead between his eyes. His skin sizzles and cracks, smoke rising, and Evil Ed backs away, bent over screaming in pain, his hands held to his face. He slowly looks up as Peter watches, frozen in horror. Evil Ed drops his hands from his face, revealing a smoking sign of the cross branded into his forehead. He stares at Peter. EVIL ED What have you done to me? He turns to look into the wall mirror, but there's no re- flection.for him to see. He whirls on Peter, screaming at him like the spoiled brat he is. EVIL ED What have you done to me? He takes a step toward Peter and Peter thrusts the cross at him. PETER Back. EVIL ED The master will kill you for â¢this. And not fast, slowly, oh, so slowly -- Peter advances on him, the cross held out in front of him with shaking hands, backing Evil Ed across the room toward the window. PETER Back, I say, back -- (CONTINUED) pk Rev.. 11/16/84 69. 94A CONTINUED: (2) Evil Ed snarls at him. like some trapped feral animal and suddenly whirls-, throwing himself headlong out the window in an EXPLOSION OF SHATTERING GLASS. Peter rushes to the window, staring out at the street below. Nothing. He cranes his-'neck peering at the heavens above. Nothing. He draws his head back in, leaning against.the wall, gasping for breath, on hand on his heart, feeling it about to leap out of his chest with the horror of it all. CUT BACK TO: 94B INT..CLUB RADIO - NIGHT I Charley slams the phone back into its cradle in frustra- I tion, Amy looking at him worriedly. CHARLEY He doesn't believe me. AMY (sinking back against the wall in defeat) I'm scared, Charley. I'm real scared. CHARLEY I won't let him get you, Amy. I promise. AMY We haven't got a chance, Charley. Not the two of us against him! What about your mother? Call her. CHARLEY She can't handle this, Amy. (SUDDENLY) You got Peter Vincent's number? AMY Oh, Charley, he doesn't care about us, I paid him to be there today. CHARLEY We don't have-any choice, Amy. Now give me his number. She reluctantly digs a scrap of paper out of her pocket as Charley drops another dime. CUT TO: 70. 94C CONTINUED: JERRY (a growl of inhuman RAGE) What? His hand snaps out, grabbing Evil Ed and jerking hin for- ward into the spill of light from the overhead street lamp. ' The sign of the cross is clearly seen on his forehead. Jerry stares at it in revulsion. JERRY What is that? EVIL ED (CRYING PITEOUSLY) He had a cross -- JERRY Fool! He slams him back into the seat with so much force the crossbar that holds it in'place.bends. 94D EXT.. STREET - JEEP - NIGHT Jerry leaps out of the Jeep, slamming the door behind him, Evil Ed and Jerry staring after him as he strides toward the entrance to the club. 94E INT. CLUB RADIO - NIGHT Charley stands' at the phone, Amy beside him, watching anxiously as he listens to the phone ring on the' other end. CHARLEY C'mon; Mr, Vincent, answer, please, answer. Unseen by either of them, Jerry Dandrige sweeps through the front door of the club, moving like a god among mere mor- tals, his eyes, now glowing a faint red, sweeping the crowd of dancers as he moves toward the dance floor. 95 INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Peter sits in the dark, clutching a cross, trying not to shake as he watches the-RINGING PHONE, too terrified to an- swer. It keeps on RINGING. CUT BACK TO: 96 INT. CLUB RADIO - HALLWAY - NIGHT Charley turns his back to the dance floor and Amy, shield- ing the phone with his body to cut down on some of the din, swearing to himself as he does so. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 71. 96 CONTINUED: CHARLEY Answer me, damnit, answer me -- Behind him Amy stiffens, staring out onto the dance floor at the sea of people. Moving through the dancers like a golden god moving amid mere mortals walks Jerry Dandrige. The hot, colored lights of the dance floor highlight his hair, accentuating his gracefulness, making him seem even more beautiful than he is. He stops just at the edge of the floor and holds his hand out to Amy, the orgiastic dancing swirling on behind him, the pounding, SENSUAL BEAT OF THE FUNK ROCK washing over them both. His eyes burn into hers, willing her to come to him. Terrified, she turns back toward Charley. In that moment Jerry disappears from the mouth of the hallway, Amy turn- ing back just as she's about to grab Charley only to see he's gone. She stops, more intrigued than frightened, the image of that beautiful man holding out his hand to her sharp in her mind. She takes a step forward down the hall, continuing down the hall until she has a clear view of the dancers. Jerry's nowhere to be seen. Behind her., . Charley is just about to turn and glance. in her direction when a voice answers on the other end of the line. PETER (V.0.) Yes. Charley cups one hand over his ear, bending dawn to hear better. Behind hint Amy slowly disappears down the hall- way and onto the dance floor. CHARLEY Mr. Vincent, this is Charley Brewster. You gotta help us. Jerry Dandrige has me and Amy trapped in this club -- CUT BACK TO: 97 INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Peter moves to the window, the phone in his hand. He slowly pulls back the curtain, peering down at the street below. PETER I'm sorry, Charley. I-can't do that. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 72. 97 CONTINUED: CHARLEY (V.0.) (INCREASINGLY DESPERATE) But you have to come, Mr. Vincent. You're the only one who knows what's going on. PETER You have to understand, Charley. Ed's one of them now. He just tried to kill me. If I try to go out he'll kill me for sure. CUT BACK TO: I 98 INT. CLUB RADIO - HALLWAY .- NIGHT I Charley is screaming into the phone, almost in tears. CHARLEY If you don'"t, Dandrige'll kill us! He's so into what he's saying on the phone, he doesn't even realize Amy's gone. CUT BACK TO: 99 INT. PETER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT PETER (TORTURED) I'm sorry, Charley, I just can't! He hangs up the phone, flattening himself back against the wall, terrified. CUT BACK TO: 100. INT. CLUB RADIO - HALLWAY - NIGHT Charley slams the phone down, turning to Amy. CHARLEY God damn him. He-won't help us -- -Only Amy is gone, the hallway empty. Charley rushes toward the dance floor. 101 INT. CLUB RADIO - DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT Charley emerges from the hall, looking about in the crush of people for Amy. Nothing; it's as if she's disappeared into thin air. He plunges out into the crowd. (CONTINUED) A gr Rev. 11/26/84 73. 101 CONTINUED: In another part of the bar area Charley moves among the people, desperately searching for Amy. He passes the drunken teenagers, ignoring them as he suddenly bumps into a table, a man yelling up at hiXi angrily. CORE USER Hey, watch out,.asshole! Charley glances down to see the table of users grouped around their mirror of white powder. He moves quickly away, searching for Amy. He stops by the wall of poseurs cruising everything that walks by, asking a girl that looks from behind as though she must be Amy's age. CHARLEY Pardon me, have you seen a girl, LIGHT-HAIRED -- (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 74. 101 CONTINUED: (2) The girl turns to him,. revealing herself as a woman well into her mid-forties, decked out like a teenager, Sylvia Miles ten years ago, staring at him hungrily. OLDER WOMAN Forget her, take me instead She reaches out to kiss Charley and he flees the crowd of flesh.watchers laughing at him as he goes. He moves along a wall of LESBIANS, stopping one, his des- peration growing. CHARLEY I'm looking for a girl -- LESBIAN So am I. Before Charley can recover a woman moves into her arms, Charley, shocked and disconcerted, backing away until he bumps to a halt against a heavy metal biker, the kind of guy who's into Twisted Sister. The parody of biker throws him to the floor for the insult, his friends, walking par- odies of bikers, laughing at Charley as he leaps to his feet and backs away into the crowd. He breaks free of the packed humanity, stopping on the stairs. It is at that moment that he catches a glimpse of Amy on the dance floor, dancing with Jerry. He hurries down the stairs and onto the floor. On the dance floor, Amy moves.with Jerry, their bodies locked together, slowly falling. into his eyes, dancing slower and slower with him until finally she has no will left of her own. She is "in love" with him. It is at that moment that she bends her head forward, laying it on his shoulder, exposing her neck to him, her eyes staring at the wall as they revolve around and around, Jerry bending down to kiss her neck, his mouth slowly opening. It is at that moment Amy sees her reflection in the mirrors mounted against one wall;.she is dancing alone. Shocked back to her senses, she goes rigid in Jerry's arms, trying to pull away from him, screaming as the music and the dancers stop. 'AMY Charley! Across the dance floor, Charley hears her SCREAM and pushes his way through the sea of humanity, fighting his way to her side where she stands with Jerry, once again caught in his eyes, slowly losing her will. Charley grabs Jerry by the shoulder, trying to pull him away from Amy. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 74A. 101 CONTINUED: (2A) CHARLEY Let her go! Jerry looks down at him, smiling, mocking him as Amy sways in his arms, her eyes locked on. his face. JERRY What's wrong, Charley? Jealous? He grinds his pelvis against.Amy, dry humping her in front of Charley. She throws her head back, her mouth opening in .something close to ecstasy, her eyes glazed, staring up at him with adoration, giving herself to him as she cocks her head to one side, exposing her tender young throat. Charley goes crazy. CHARLEY You filthy son-of-a-bitch -- ! He swings at him only to have Jerry release Amy, catching Charley's fist in the palm of his hand easily. Be stares down at the boy, smiling cruelly. .JERRY You shouldn't lose your temper, Charley. It isn't polite. He tightens his grip, slowly squeezing Charley's fist. You can almost hear the knuckle bones grinding as Charley's face'contorts in agony, driving him to his knees before Jerry. Charley looks up at him, tears of pain streaming down his face. CHARLEY (gasping with pain) You can't kill me here -- JERRY I don't want to kill you, Charley. I -want you to bring Peter Vincent to my house, just the two of you. That is if you ever want to see Amy again. He casually releases Charley, letting the boy drop to the floor as he disappears with Amy into the swirling mass of dancers. Charley leaps to his feet, ignoring the pain in his hand and plunges after them. Charley breaks free of the swirl near the bar, looking everywhere and not seeing either of them. Suddenly he's grabbed by a strong, pair of arms. He looks up to find himself staring into the face of a huge, black BOUNCER. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 748. 101 CONTINUED: (28) CHARLEY (DESPERATELY) Let me go -- The man ignores him, calling back over his shoulder. BOUNCER' Hey, Donny, this the one? Another huge bouncer, the one the cook talked to when Charley and Amy sneaked into the club, steps out of the whirl staring down at the boy. DONNY Yeah, its him. (TO CHARLEY) Where's your girlfriend? Charley suddenly sees Jerry and Amy breaking through the throng, heading for the entrance. He points to them wildly. CHARLEY That's her, over there with that older GUYF DONNY C' mon .-- He cuts across the floor on a diagonal to intercept Jerry and Amy, the black bouncer dragging Charley after him in a steel 'grip. Jerry finally reaches the throng near the front door, starting to move through it with Amy when sud- denly the two bouncers and Charley block his way. Donny jerks Amy out of Jerry's hand, passing her to the black bouncer, nodding at her and Charley. (CONTINUED) 75. 101 CONTINUED: (3) DONNY Get the two of them out of here. Jerry steps toward Amy, his face beginning to darken with rage, the MUSIC pulsating around them, people swirling by on all sides. JERRY She's mine -- Donny puts out his hand, stopping Jerry as the black bouncer drag's Charley and Amy toward the front door. DONNY You want chicken, man, you. go to some other club. Jerry snarls, his eyes beginning to glow, his hair slicking back slightly, the hint of fangs beginning to protrude over his upper lip as rage overtakes him. He raises his right hand, holding it out in.front of. the bouncer's face so the man can clearly see what is happening. The nails on the four fingers pop out, literally elongating several inches in front of the man's eyes, growing into razor sharp claws that sparkle in the overhead lights. The bouncer, terrified, screams for his'companion. 'DONNY Hey, Leon, get back here! Toward the entrance to' the club, Leon releases Charley and Amy, hustling back toward his buddy. Charley grabs Amy,' pulling her toward the door. CHARLEY C'mon, quick -- But it's. too late already. Donny screams as the talons whistle through the air, tearing his throat out in one swipe, scattering blood everywhere, blinding several of the dancers swirling.by, hitting people drinking at the bar, a couple necking in a corner, blood flying everywhere. Jerry steps around the corpse as it topples backward over a table of coke users, the bouncer's dead eyes staring up at them. Leon dashes up, - lunging for Jerry. The vampire's hand snaps out, grabbing`him by the throat, squeezing, driving those claws deep into the man's neck, holding him like a chicken, enjoying a second of his death throes and then casually flinging him into the center of the floor, bringing the music and all the dancing to a shrieking halt as this new group of people stare at another dead body. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 76. 101 CONTINUED: ( 4) Pandemonium erupts throughout the club, people screaming and rushing for the exit, the fear contagious, all of them streaming toward the bottleneck of a hallway leading to the front door, turning it into a battleground of panicked, terrified people, clawing and screaming to get out of the club. - Close to the front door, Charley and Amy fight their way through the madness, trying to gain the outside and freedom as behind them a wave of panicked humanity sweeps toward them. CHARLEY Hold on to me -- Suddenly Jerry steps out in front of them and sweeps Amy away from. him, the crowd flowing around Charley and carry- ing him off in the opposite direction as he fights and screams to get back to her. CHARLEY AMYL But the sea of humanity is too much for him; it pushes him ,first away from and then toward the front door, leaving him no choice but to go with it or be trampled. 102 EXT. CLUB RADIO - NIGHT Charley bursts through the entrance of the club just in time to see the black Jeep ROARING away down the street, Evil Ed peering out the back window, grinning wi.ldly at him, mocking him with his full set of fangs. CUT TO: 103 OMITTED THRU 121 122 INT. PETER VINCENT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Peter is hurriedly packing, shoving the bare necessities into his suitcase, preparing to abandon his mementos of a lifetime in his rush to get out of town while he's still alive. There's a KNOCK at the door. Be looks up, terrified. PETER Who is it? CHARLEY (O.S.) Charley Brewster. Let me in. bl Rev. 10/9/84 77. 123 EXT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT 123 The door cracks open an inch, a chain across the latch. Peter peers out at him. PETER Are you one of them, too? CHARLEY What are you talking about? Peter thrusts his cross out through the crack.' PETER Here, grab this. Charley does as told. Peter peers at his hand. No smoke. He hurriedly slips the chain from the door and pulls the boy inside. 124 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Peter relatches the door and hurries back to his packing. Charley watches him. CHARLEY What are you, doing? PETER Leaving. CHARLEY You can't. PETER Wanna bet? Watch me. Peter closes the suitcase, hurrying for the door. Charley steps in front of him, blocking his path. CHARLEY Dandrige has Amy. He says he'll kill her unless we come to his house. Peter stops, staring at Charley, stunned. The blood drains from his face. PETER Oh, my God. (SUDDENLY REACHING for the phone) The police, I'll call the police -- CHARLEY (grabbing the phone away from him) No, they won't believe you. I've tried. (CONTINUED) ch Rev. 12/4/84 78. 124 CONTINUED: 'Peter collapses in a chair, staring blindly ahead. CHARLEY (QUIETLY) Peter, it's just us. Were going to have to save Amy. PETER I can't. I was paid to be there today. CHARLEY I know. PETER And you still want me to help you? CHARLEY Yes. You're Peter Vincent, the Great Vampire Killer. PETER (looking up at him, FURIOUS) That's a character in a movie, .Charley. That's not even my real name! (repressing a sob) And I'm terrified, I'm sorry, but I am. CHARLEY I can't do it alone, Peter. If you don't help, Amy's going to die. And me, too, probably. r (nothing f om Peter) Please, Peter. PETER I'm sorry, Charley. CHARLEY (quietly, of ter a MOMENT) Yeah, me, too. He walks to the door, slipping quietly out of the apart- ment, leaving Peter staring miserable at the floor. DISSOLVE TO: 125 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT Amy slowly regains consciousness, opening her eyes to find herself laying on the floor, Jerry Dandrige looming over her. She cowers back, looking about the bedroom. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 79. 125 CONTINUED: AMY Where am I? JERRY Where you wanted to be. In bedroom. He reaches out a hand to her; she cowers back. AMY Liar. Where's Charley? JERRY You don't really care. He hits play on the TAPE DECK. FUNK ROCK, hot and driving, snakes out of the speakers. He turns back to her, holding out his hand. She looks away, then glances up only to find herself trapped in his gaze. He starts.to weave his way across the floor toward her,. every move a suggestion, an invitation, all of it somehow hypnotic. She stares at him, fighting to break free. Finally she manages to turn her head away, staring at the floor, screaming at him. AMY Liarl I love him... It doesn't faze him; he just keeps moving to the beat, slowly, oh, so slowly, coming closer and closer to where she sits on the floor, his voice stroking her as he comes. JERRY Am I lying, Amy? He stops above her, leaning down, his voice a husky, post- coital whisper. JERRY Am I? And she's gone, his eyes drawing her in and swallowing her up, drowning her in their faint red glow. He holds out his hand to her. She slowly takes it and-he raises her up into his arms, moving in place to the MUSIC with her, smiling down as she stares up at him blindly. He gently pushes her head down on his shoulder, exposing her tender young neck. And then he slowly bends down, his mouth opening to expose those two, razor sharp fangs with their alabaster cast, slowly, delicately sliding them beneath her skin. (CONTINUED) bf Rev. 11/28/84 80. 125 CONTINUED: (2) Her body arches, both arms pressing him to her, her body clinging to his. And then she screams, bucking under him like she's having something like a sexual climax, only better, much better. And just underneath her scream.is this horrid, greedy, SUCKING NOISE, Jerry Dandrige, feeding. CUT TO: 125A EXT. SIDE YARD OF A HOUSE - NIGHT Charley walks through the darkness, with cross and stake held in his hands, slowly approaching the Dandrige house through a side yard across the street. The shadows loom up over him, the wind causing the TREE BRANCHES to RUSTLE, Charley growing more and more nervous with every passing second. 126 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT -Charley steps out of the darkness of the trees across the street from the Dandrige house, stopping to stare at it. The huge, silent, dark.house no longer looks like every other house on the block. It seems to have assumed a life of its own and turned into a hulking, brooding monster, about to leap forward and pounce on him. Charley grips his stake and hammer, checks the cross stuck in his jacket pocket, takes'a deep breath, squares his shoulders, and starts the slow walk toward the Dandrige house. Through the trees-he moves, into the shadows and darkness, across the street, closer and closer,to that hulking,, evil house. Suddenly a'hand snaps out of the darkness, grabbing him by the shoulder. CHARLEY (TERRIFIED) What? : "PETER (O . S . ) Peter Vincent, ready to do battle with the undead. Charley whirls to find himself staring into Peter Vincent's drawn face. He wears his Victorian suit, his whole demeanor that of his public persona, the vampire killer. (CONTINUED) bf Rev. 11/28/84 80A. 126 CONTINUED: CEARLEY (GULPING) Peter, this is serious PETER (pulling himself up to his full height) I am serious. Ee drops to his knees, pulling an assortment of his movie props out of his leather bag. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 81. 126 CONTINUED: PETER T Let's see, stakes, hammer, crosses, FLASHLIGHT -- CHARLEY. What about Billy Cole? What's going to stop him? Peter rises, holding up a pistol. PETER This. From Orgy of the Damned. CHARLEY What if he's not human? Bullets aren't going to stop him then. PETER He walks around during the day, doesn't he? (CHARLEY NODS) Then he's human. (turning toward the HOUSE) Let's go. The two of them cross the street, heading toward the house which now seems to be staring at them, about to charge them. Charley glances at Peter. CHARLEY PETER -- PETER (cutting him off) Not now. But Peter isn't really paying attention to Charley. His eyes are on that malevolent looking house, the house looming larger and larger above him as they get closer and closer. Peter begins to slow, his nerve draining away as the true- evilness of the. place begins to eat at him. He finally comes to a halt, staring at the house. Charley stops, looking. back. CHARLEY What's wrong? PETER (quickly). Nothing, nothing at all. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 82. 126 CONTINUED: (2) He joins Charley, the two of them slowly walking toward the house again, Peter becoming more and more nervous the closer they get. Charley takes a step for the front door. Peter grabs him. PETER Are you crazy? Not through the front door. Let's go around to the back and sneak in The front door slowly swings open on creaking hinges, seemingly of its own accord. Peter and Charley turn to look at it, a dark gaping hole like an open mouth, ready to swallow them. CHARLEY Too late. Be starts moving up the porch toward the door. Peter moves with him, his gaze fixed on that gaping mouth of an open doorway, mumbling to himself as he goes. PETER I'm Peter Vincent, the great vampire killer. I'm -- They disappear into the house, Jerry Dandrige suddenly .stepping INTO FRAME, staring after them. 127 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT Charley and Peter stop and stare around in the darkness. Nothing moves, not even a shadow. Charley nods up the stairs. CHARLEY This way. They start up the stairway. 127A EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT Outside the house, the SUBJECTIVE CAMERA watches them, craning past the front..windows onto the side of the house,. watching Charley and Peter through the windows as they mount the stairs, the CAMERA SLOWLY heading up the side of the house. 127B INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM,- NIGHT Jerry appears outside his bedroom window, floating there. t He leans forward, opening the window, about to climb in. 8 2A. pk Rev. ll/I6/84 127C IT. HOUSE.- STAIRWAY - NIGHT { _ ï¿½? P eter suddenly grabs Charley, freezing as he hears that second story bedroom window opening. -PETER Did you just hear something? CHARLEY' (pausing and listening) No. They start up the stairway. Peter grabs Charley again, digging his fingers into the boy's arms, listening hard. PETER Let's wait until dawn. He'll be in his coffin then. We'll have a better chance of getting Amy. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 83. 127C CONTINUED: CHARLEY Amy'll be dead by then, too. Now COME ON He turns to start up the stairs- only to have a voice come out of the darkness on the landing above. JERRY (o.s.) (he steps forward into the light, looking ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS) Welcome to Fright Night. For Real._ Peter almost turns tail and runs right there. Charley grabs him, holding him in place on the staircase, staring up at the vampire looming above them. CHARLEY Where's Amy? JERRY (SMILING) Up here. All you have to do is get BY ME He starts. down the steps. Peter whips out one of the crosses, thrusting it at the vampire. PETER (in his vampire killer VOICE) Back, spawn of Satan. JERRY Oh, really? He reaches out, takes the cross. from Peter's hand and crumples it, contemptuously tossing. it aside. Be turns back to Peter. JERRY You have to have faith in order for it to work on me, Mr. Vincent. He starts down the stairs again, Peter backing away, terrified, his nerve completely gone now. Charley steps forward, staring up at Dandrige defiantly. He whips out his cross, thrusting it at the vampire. CHARLEY Stop! Jerry stops, staring at the cross. Charley starts up the stairs toward him, the cross held in front of him. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 - 84. 127C CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY BACK -- Jerry backs up the stairs, away from the cross, disappearing into the darkness at the top of the landing. Charley glances back at Peter triumphantly. CHARLEY We're gonna make.it -- Billy Cole suddenly steps out of the darkness in front of him, rips the cross from the boy's hand and viciously backhands him across the face. With a scream, Charley smashes through the. stairway railing, plunging to the hallway floor below. He lands with a solid thud, lying there, groaning. Jerry steps in front of Billy, staring down at Peter on the stairway, smiling at him. Then he slowly starts down the stairs toward Peter. With a scream, the actor whirls, racing down the steps and out the front door. 128 INT. BREWSTER HOUSE - PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT Peter smashes through the front door, yelling up the stairway. PETER Mrs. Brewster! No answer. He grabs the phone from the table and punches out a number, speaking hurriedly into it. PETER Hello, operator, get me the police. Operator? No response, not even a dial tone. He holds the phone up only to see the cord has been ripped from the wall. His eyes widen in horror, his gaze snapping back up the stairs. PETER (Cont.) Mrs. Brewster -- He plunges up the stairs. 129 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT He bursts through the door to see Judy in bed, the back of her head to him, her blond hair lying across the pillow. He hurries across the room. toward her, relief sweeping his features. (CONTINUED) A yl Rev. 11/23/84 85.. 129 CONTINUED: PETER Mrs. Brewster, thank God. All the phones have been ripped from the WALLS -- Be reaches out, turning her over on the bed to face him... only it isn't Judy; it's Evil Ed, wearing one of her wigs. EVIL ED I know. I did it. He grins up at Peter as he.-slowly rises, the wig slipping from his head, his features already transformed subtly into those of a vampire, the hair slicked back on his head, his face elongated, two huge white fangs slashing over his lower lip. Peter staggers back, staring at him in horror. PETER Where's Charley's mother? EVIL ED She's working nights apparently. She left - a note for Charley. (holding out the crumpled note as he takes a step FOR PETER) His dinner's in the oven. With a scream, Peter whirls and plunges out of the room. 130 INT. HALL WAY - NIGHT Peter races down the hallway only to bit a table in the dark, crashing to the floor on the landing, the.table splintering beneath him. He sits up, groaning, holding his leg. He suddenly hears a GROWLING, low and deep and vicious, coming from the other end of the hallway. He looks up, .staring into the darkness. Suddenly, a HUGE WOLF, as ugly as Evil Ed, tears out of the master bedroom, skidding to a halt, staring back at Peter. It's eyes glow like red-hot coals in the dark, saliva drip- ping from its huge fangs. Peter scrambles to his feet, about to plunge down the stairs when with a terrible SNARL, the huge animal bounds down the hall toward him. With a scream, Peter picks up a splintered leg of the table just as the wolf launches itself into the air toward his jugular vein. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 86. 130 CONTINUED: He slams the jagged piece of wood into the animal's chest as it flies past, its snapping jaws missing his throat by an inch, the wolf hits the landing railing and plows through it, almost in slow motion, plunging over the side. 131 INT. PORTICO - STAIRWAY - NIGHT- The wolf tumbles through the air in a blur of fur and fangs, down and down until suddenly Evil Ed smashes into the hardwood floor below with a terrible THUD. He lays there, the long wooden splinter buried in his heart. Peter hurries down the stairs, stopping above him and staring down, watching in fascinated horror as humanity leaks back into his eyes, his face transforming into that of a normal teenage boy as he dies. He looks up at Peter with suddenly soft, brown eyes. EVIL ED I'M SORRY He dies, Peter staring down at him, sorrow struck by the waste and horridness of it all.. 132 INT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - JERRY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jerry comes through theï¿½door with Charley over his shoulder and dumps him on the floor a few feet from where Amy lies, curled up in a fetal ball. He nods at. Amy as Charley slowly opens his eyes, regaining his senses. JERRY You wanted her, there she is. Charley glances to his side, sees Amy lying there, and crawls to her. He gently turns her toward'him. CHARLEY AMY -- His words die on his lips. Amy's eyes are clenched shut, her face drenched with sweat, her entire body trembling. Jerry .watches his horrified reaction, smiling. JERRY You see, you gave me so much trouble, I thought you deserved a special punishment. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 87. 132 CONTINUED: CHARLEY (staring up at him WILDLY) What have you done to her? JERRY ' Nothing much. I just bit her a little bit, that's all. Jerry just stares-at him silently, leaving no room for the boy to disbelieve him. Charley suddenly leaps for him, furious with rage. CHARLEY You bastard! .Jerry casually knocks him aside, flinging him through the air against the far wall with his incredible strength. Charley crumples to the floor, stunned. Jerry walks over to him and drops a wooden stake at his feet. JERRY Here. (Charley stares at IT DUMBLY) You're going to need it just before dawn. - - With a bow he lets himself out of the room, closing the door behind him. The key can be heard turning in the lack. Charley stares around for a moment, gathering his senses. He sees the window has been boarded up with plank after plank and nail after nail. It would be impossible for him to rip it apart, just as it would be impossible for anyone to-hear him through.it were he to scream. He crawls to Amy, gently turning her over only to see that she has already begun to change, her upper lip slipping back as he stares at her, revealing lengthening bicuspids, the beginnings of fangs. Her eyes are black, like bottom- less pits. He raises his head and screams, his voice filled with anguish and despair. CHARLEY No! 133 EXT. STAIRWAY - NIGHT Dandrige pauses halfway down the stairs, listening to the agony in Charley's voice as the scream dies away. He smiles, then continues to walk down the stairs. 134 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT Peter faces the brooding, terrible house, his stake and hammer in either hand, his face set hard with deter- mination. Throwing his shoulders back, he begins to walk slowly toward the front door. bl Rev. 10/9/84 88. 135 INT. PORTICO - HALL - STAIRS - NIGHT He slips through the front door, pausing to look down the hall. The basement door is open, the sounds of Jerry and Billy working down there faintly heard. He hurries up the stairs. 136 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT He works his way from door to door till he finds the locked one. He r aps on it lightly, whispering through a crack in the frame. PETER Charley. 137 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley hears the whisper and springs to his feet, hurrying to the door. CHARLEY (in a whisper) Peter? PETER (o.s.) I'm going to have to break the door down. Make as much noise as you can. Charley turns to the wall, beating on it and yelling for all he's worth. CHARLEY Help, let me out! 138 INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT Jerry and Billy are preparing a spare coffin for Amy, dumping dirt into it from the bottom of the huge, ornate coffin Charley saw them carrying into the house on that first night so long- ago. They pause in their work as they hear Charley's SCREAM DYING AWAY. Jerry smiles at Billy. JERRY I think she just opened her eyes. 139 INT. ROOM - NIGHT -Peter hits the door from the outside, snapping the lock, letting himself in and closing it as quietly as he can behind them. He looks around, spotting Amy lying in the corner. PETER Quick, grab her and let's get out of HERE - (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/25/84' 89. 139 CONTINUED: CHARLEY We can't. Look. He falls to his knees beside Amy and rolls her over for Peter to see. She is still covered with sweat and trembling even more violently now. Her upper lip slips back revealing lengthening fangs, just the beginning of I red in the iris. Peter's eyes widen in horror. I 140 INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT Jerry pauses in his labor to stare up at the ceiling in the direction of the bedroom two floors above, his ear cocked. .Billy looks at him. BILLY Something wrong? ' JERRY Yes. We have a visitor. He puts down his shovel, heading for the stairs, Billy following him. 141 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley glances up from Amy's trembling body to look at Peter. CHARLEY Is it too late to save her? PETER Not if we kill Dandrige before dawn.' 141A EXT. SIDE OF DANDRIGE HOUSE - NIGHT SUBJECTIVE CAMERA CRANES UP'off a basement window, up the side of the house past the living room window and up and up, the VOICES in Jerry's bedroom getting LOUDER and LOUDER as Jerry approaches. CHARLEY Are you sure? PETER So far everything's just like in the movies. We'll just have to keep on hoping. And the CAMERA STOPS outside the bedroom window, watch- ing as Charley grabs the stake Dandrige dropped on the floor, and heads for. the door. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 89A, 141A CONTINUED: CHARLEY Let's go -- He and Peter hurry out the door, the CAMERA WATCHING them go. 142 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - STAIRWAY - NIGHT I They come out of the bedroom and start. down the steps only to find themselves facing Billy Cole coming up the other way. They freeze. as Billy stops, a slow smile sliding across his grim features. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 90. 142 CONTINUED: BILLY Well, what do we have here? He starts up the steps. Peter :pulls a pistol, one of the props from his apartment, from-his pocket. PETER Stop or I'll shoot. Billy stops, still smiling at him,. their eyes locked for what seems like an eternity. Then Billy starts up the stairs toward him again. Peter points the gun at Billy with trembling hands. PETER I mean it. Don't force me to SHOOT -- Billy reaches out his huge hands for Peter's throat. Peter FIRES, the bullet punching a neat hole through Billy's forehead. The large man freezes, his eyes rolling back in his skull. Be stands there for a moment and then tumbles backward down the stairs, landing with a CRASH at the bottom. Suddenly there is the SOUND OF APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS on the balcony above. Peter and Charley whirl, staring up at the landing above them. A second later Jerry Dandrige steps out of the shadows. With a smile he starts down the stairs toward them. Charley steps forward, thrusting his cross up at Dandrige. CHARLEY. STOPS Dandrige freezes, his face darkening with fury. Charley starts up the steps, Peter close behind him. CHARLEY Come on, we have him -- Dandrige's gaze snaps past Charley's shoulder, down into the shadows at the bottom of the stairs where Billy's body lies, his eyes glowing as they burn into the corpse for a moment before shifting back to Charley and Peter. He smiles at the boy. JERRY Do you? He steps back into Amy's room, disappearing from sight. Peter looks at Charley. (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84 91. 142 CONTINUED: (2) CHARLEY What did he mean? PETER Nothing. He's just bluffing. Charley continues up the stairs-slowly, the cross held out in front of him, Peter hugging his back. Behind them, down at the foot of the stairs,,Billy slowly sits up. Peter and Charley continue climbing, their gazes fixed ahead. Behind them Billy stands and starts to walk up the stairs toward them, the first STEP he hits GROANING under his heavy weight. Charley and Peter freeze, turning to look back. They see the huge man coming up the stairs toward them, a thin trail of blood leaking from the bullet hole in his forehead. Peter whips his pistol out with trembling hands and UNLOADS THE ENTIRE REVOLVER into the man, casting a pale of gunsmoke in front of him and Charley, obscuring their view of the stairway below. Suddenly Billy Cole appears through the thick cloud, back- ing them up the stairs. Peter stumbles, falling backward, .unable to rise in time. Billy leans down, grabbing him and jerking him into the air like a ragdoll.,. about to fling him over the ballustrade to the floor far below. Charley suddenly leaps forward, slamming his stake into the creature's heart. CHARLEY No! Billy Cole freezes, his eyes widening. Be drops Peter crashing to the steps and staggers back, grabbing the rail for support, hanging there below Peter and Charley for what seems an eternity, the stake protruding from his heart.. As the two watch in horror, Cole's face slowly begins to dissolve, skin putrefying and slipping away, revealing the grinning skull beneath, the process of dissolution acceler- ating as the seconds tick past. Suddenly the legs turn to bone and.what remains of the body, no more than a skeleton in clothes now, tumbles backward down the stairs with a clatter, to land with a crash on the floor below, bones rolling in-every direction across the portico. They stare down the stairs at his remains. CHARLEY (in a hoarse whisper) Be wasn't human. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 92. 142 CONTINUED: (3) PETER No, he, certainly wasn't. Peter scrambles to his feet, he'and Charley backing hurriedly up the stairs, terrified by what they've seen. i 143 INT. AMY'S ROOM - NIGHT They rush into Amy's room, Peter stopping to stare at the open window, left that way by Dandrige when he entered and left. Charley ignores it, hurrying to Amy, and kneeling by her side. He gently turns her over to expose lengthening bicuspids as Peter sticks his head out the window. Her irises are now more red than before, signaling the trans- ition she is making from the living to the walking dead. 143A EXT. JERRY'S WINDOW - SIDE OF THE HOUSE - NIGHT Peter glances down, searching for Jerry as above him, clinging flat to the wall like a fly, is Jerry. The vam- pire smiles, slowly drawing back his clawed hand to tear Peter's throat out when the man cranes his neck to look over his shoulder. He is just about to when Charley calls to him from the room within. CHARLEY Peter! Peter ducks in just as Jerry's about to strike. 143B INT. JERRY'S ROOM - NIGHT Charley looks up from Amy's-unconscious body at Peter. CHARLEY She's worse. C'mon, we're running out of time -- The two men rush out of the room. 143C EXT. JERRY'S WINDOW - SIDE OF HOUSE - NIGHT The SUBJECTIVE CAMERA does a 180 degree turn, staring in through the window out the open door onto the balcony. Jerry.sees Peter and Charley standing out there, hears their voices. CHARLEY Where is he? The CAMERA BEGINS TO DRIFT up the side of the house toward the attic window above. Rev. 11/26/84 9 2A. 144 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT Charley and Peter there, staring about. Suddenly they hear FOOTSTEPS on the floor above. They stare up at the ceiling. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 93. 144 CONTINUED: PETER He's in the attic. They rush to the attic door, the two men disappearing up the dark stairs. 145 INT. ATTIC - NIGHT They come up the staircase to find themselves enclosed in darkness. Peter pulls out a flashlight and flicks it on, shining it about the musty, filthy room. He pauses as rats scatter beneath the unexpected blaze. He continues to search with the flashlight, picking out the remains of a--ruined window at the far end, the glass shat- tered, the window itself flung wide open. CHARLEY Well, he was here -- The beam moves on, only to suddenly stop on a large chest shoved in a corner. PETER There, his-coffin. Both of them approach, staring down at the long chest. Peter hands the flashlight to Charley, pulling a stake from his pocket, a hammer from his belt. He raises the stake in the air, the hammer ready. He nods at the coffin. PETER Open i t. Charley throws his shoulder against the lid, heaving. The lid opens with a GROAN, Peter about to stab down only to find it empty. CHARLEY (almost in despair) God' damn him. Where is he? 145A EXT. ATTIC WINDOW - SIDE OF HOUSE - NIGHT The SUBJECTIVE CAMERA STARES in at them, then SLOWLY BE- GINS TO DRIFT up the side of the house toward the roof above. 145B EXT. ROOF - NIGHT The CAMERA GOES UP onto the roof and down around the chimney to discover Jerry sitting there as though he's just alighted. A gr Rev. 11/26/84 94. 145C INT. ATTIC - NIGHT Charley and Peter stare up at the beams overhead as dust trickles down, the THUD of Jerry landing above them on the roof still loud in their ears. PETER Well, now we know where he is. CHARLEY Yeah, but what's he doing up there? 146 EXT. DANDRIGE HOUSE - ROOF - NIGHT Jerry sits on the roof, squatting there like some huge nocturnal bird of prey, his eyes closed, his lips moving in a whisper. 147 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Amy lies on the floor, hardly moving now. Suddenly she groans and rolls over, throwing a hand over her face as though trying to ward off some particularly terrible night- mare. .148 EXT. ROOF - NIGHT Dandrige's face darkens even more in concentration. JERRY Amy, awake, I command you to awake! 149 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Amy's eyes slowly open. There's not a vestige of human life in them. She blinks and her eyes go completely red, glowing in the dark. Dandrige's voice fills her. mind like distant thunder. JERRY'S VOICE Now show me how much you love me, Amy, kill them both! She rises and moves like a zombie messenger of death toward the door to the hallway and the attic above. 149A INT. ATTIC - NIGHT Charley and Peter are still staring up at the attic ceil- ing above, the waiting becoming unendurable for Charley. CHARLEY I'm going up there. He heads for the open window at the far end of the attic nearest the stairs. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 95. 149A CONTINUED: PETER CHARLEY -- He-takes a step after the boy, but he's too late. Charley is already out the window. 149B EXT. ROOF - NIGHT Charley climbs onto the roof, a cross in his hand, a stake in the other. The roof looks deserted, but hidden behind the chimney stands Jerry, waiting for the boy. Unaware of the danger., Charley reaches the chimney and stealthily be- gins to circle it, sensing danger, the cross and stake in hand. He suddenly reaches the side where last we saw Jerry only to find no one there. He stands there puzzled, looking about. PETER (0.3 . ) (calling up from the attic below) Do you see him? CHARLEY (SHOUTING BACK) No. 150 INT.'ATTIC 'MIGHT Peter stands alone at the far end next to the coffin, ner- vously talking.to himself. PETER Where the hell is he? And in the window directly behind his back, Jerry rises up out of the dark, no more than a few feet away, only 'a thin pane of glass separating Peter from his clawed hand. He raises it to strike through the glass at Peter just as .Charley slides in the open window at the far end from the roof and sees Jerry in the window behind Peter.. He screams out. CHARLEY Peter, behind you! Peter whirls, holding up his cross and as quickly as he appeared from the night, Jerry slips back into it, leaving Peter staring at the window, terrified at the close call as Charley reaches his' side. CHARLEY You okay? (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 96. 150 CONTINUED: Peter nods numbly as a huge shadow rises up along the staircase wall at the far end of the attic behind them, a shadow that suggests Jerry is coming up the stairs from the floor below toward them. A STAIR CREAKS behind them and Charley and Peter whirl to see Amy step out of the stairwell. She looks incred- ibly beautiful as though somehow her moment with Dandrige has transformed her from virginal girl to a full grown woman, dripping with sensuality. Charley steps forward, about to rush into her arms. CHARLEY AMY -- PETER (GRABBING HIM) No! Charley looks at Amy as she clears the steps and turns to- ward them. Peter shines his flashlight into her face. The eyes glow red, the face lifeless, fangs, larger now than before, protruding.from her upper lip. CHARLEY Oh, my God -- Suddenly they hear Dandrige cruelly laughing at them from the floor below, laughing like this is the best joke he's ever heard.. CHARLEY He's downstairs now -- Amy suddenly launches herself at Charley, seizing.him by the throat and throwing him to the floor, landing on top of him. He grabs her by the shoulders, holding her back as she tries to plunge her fangs into his neck. Peter steps up behind her, a stake raised in his hands, about to plunge it into her back. Charley screams up at him. CHARLEY No! Peter shifts his grip on the stake, holding it like a club, and brings it slamming down on her back. She collapses un- conscious on top of Charley. He shoves her off, climbing to his feet, and turning toward the staircase to the floor below. CHARLEY Come on -- (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 97. 15'0 CONTINUED: (2) The two men plunge down the stairs. A second later, Amy rolls over, her eyes snapping open, perfectly conscious again. She slowly rises. 151 INT. SECOND-FLOOR LANDING - PORTICO - STAIRS - NIGHT The two men come out of the stairway, Peter turning back to lock the attic door behind him. Charley starts for Jerry's room. Peter grabs him. PETER You take downstairs, I'll take up HERE -- Charley plunges down the stairs to the portico below as Peter disappears into the bedroom, searching for Dandrige. 151A EXT. HOUSE - JERRY'S BEDROOM WINDOW - NIGHT The SUBJECTIVE CAMERA WATCHES as Charley heads down the stairs, Peter turning for Jerry's room, the CAMERA CRANING OFF the window and DOWN around the side of the house, PICKING UP Charley up through the front windows as the boy disappears down the first floor hall in search of Jerry, Jerry watching him the entire time from outside the front of the house. 151E INT..HOUSE - PORTICO - NIGHT The front door slowly begins to open, that strange killing hand of Jerry holding the doorknob, all that's seen of him as he obviously prepares to slip inside. 151C INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Peter freezes as he hears the front DOOR CREAK and turns, racing out the bedroom door onto the balcony. 151D INT. SECOND-FLOOR BALCONY - NIGHT_ Peter comes to a halt at the top of the stairs, peering down at the portico below. No Charley. He calls out, panic struck. PETER Charley! Charley comes running down the hall, stopping at the bottom of the stairs, staring up at Peter.. CHARLEY What is it? PETER (sighing in relief) I thought I heard something. IS Rev. 11/26/84 98. 151E EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - NIGHT The SUBJECTIVE CAMERA STARES in at them, then starts to move across the porch and up the side of the house as Charley speaks to Peter. CHARLEY What? The CAMERA PASSES Jerry's bedroom window, catching a glimpse of Peter on the balcony just as he replies to Charley. PETER I don't know. Just my nerves, I guess. 151F INT. HOUSE - SECOND-FLOOR BALCONY - NIGHT Behind Peter there is suddenly a POUNDING at the attic door. Its Amy, trying to get out. Peter stares wor- riedly at the attic door as the POUNDING from within be- comes more VIOLENT. Suddenly ALL THE CLOCKS on the wall below GO OFF, signaling that it's 6 a.m., dawn, time for Jerry to go to bed. Peter takes his eyes off the clocks as the LAST CHIME DIES, looking at Charley over the Balustrade. PETER Keep searching for him. Se's got to be close. It's almost dawn. Charley heads back down the hallway toward the basement as above on the landing, Peter stares around, about to try another door when suddenly the huge stained glass window directly behind and above him bursts apart in an EXPLOSION OF SHATTERING GLASS and Jerry Dandrige plunges in from the outside, landing in a crouch before Peter. He rises as the. older man backs away. Charley rushes down the hail back into the portico, brought by the sound of the crash. He's about to start up the stairs when Dandrige turns and stares down at him. Charley ignores him, starting up the stairs. Peter speaks to him, never taking his gaze from Dandrige. PETER Stay there, Charley -- Charley freezes, staring up at the vampire and the man above, watching, waiting. Dandrige's gaze bores into Peter. JERRY So. Just the two of us at last. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/26/84 99. 151F CONTINUED: He-takes a step for Peter. Peter whips out a cross, thrusting it at him. Dandrige stops, smiling at him. He starts for him again, Peter holding his ground, the cross thrust out in front of hiin. PETER Back! JERRY (SMILING THINLY) You have to have faith for that to work, Mr. Vincent. Remember? Peter continues to hold his ground, the cross held up higher, staring defiantly back at Dandrige, refusing to drop his gaze. And then it happens: the vampire jerks to a halt, staring with slowly dawning fury at Peter, real- izing by whatever invisible force it is emanating from that cross that indeed Peter has recovered his faith. He stands there, stymied, snarling at the man. Peter peers over his shoulder, out the ruined window. On the horizon, the first pink tendrils of dawn are breaking. Now it's Peter's turn to smile as he shifts his gaze back to Dandrige. PETER Look over your shoulder. Dandrige cranes his neck to see the rising dawn through the open window, the sun beginning to glint its golden rays even as he stares at it. He turns back to Peter, roaring with fury. JERRY No! Peter picks up his stake and dives for the vampire, Dandrige is too quick for him. He throws himself off the landing, tucking his body into a somersault as he hurls through the air toward the portico floor below, turning into a whirling ball of spinning flesh only to suddenly emerge- from it no longer a man, but now an enormous bat. The' bat straightens in midair above the portico and zooms down the hallway, smashing into Charley chest high, blowing him off his feet as his claws rake the boy, sending two bloody furrows down his chest as the bat whips past him and disappears down the hallway into the darkness. (CONTINUED) pk Rev. 11/16/84 99A. 151F CONTINUED: (2) Peter recovers above, hurrying down the stairs to the portico below. He rushes to Charley's side, helping the badly shaken boy to his feet. PETER Are you all right? CHARLEY Yes. Amy begins POUNDING AT THE ATTIC DOOR. above again. The two men look up as it begins to splinter. PETER Quick, he's in the basement. He helps the boy. down the hall, the two of them disappear- ing through the basement door. A second later the attic DOOR above RIPS FROM ITS HINGES, CRASHING to the floor. Amy steps out of the attic, her eyes sightless, a stake grasped in her hand.' She walks like an automaton down the stairway toward the portico below.. 152 INT. BASEMENT - DAWN Charley anaa$ Peter hurry down the stairs into the dark room, its windows covered with blackout drapes. The floor is a mass of antiques, row after row of them, many covered with dust cloths. Peter dives for the first one, ripping the cloth off only to discover an armoire. He rushes to the next one. PETER Quick, his coffin has to be here SOMEWHERE -- They race down the aisle continuing to rip dust covers away only to discover a line of mirrors, several of them obviously removed from pieces in the house above. They stop, staring at them. CHARLEY Well, now we know what he did with the mirrors -- The DOOR to the stairway- CREAKS open behind them, lost somewhere in the dark. Peter whirls, looking back the way they just came. PETER What was that? (CONTINUED) Rev. 11/16/84 99B. 152 CONTINUED: .CHARLEY (MOVING AWAY) You keep searching. I'll check it out. PETER CHARLEY But Charley has disappeared into the darkness before Peter can stop him. Charley appears down the row of antiques, stopping at the foot of the stairs and staring up at.the basement door above. It is partially open, allowing just a sliver of light into the darkness. He calls out, clutching his stake nervously. CHARLEY Who's there -- Amy appears out of the darkness behind him, slowly. approaching; her face deathly white, her lips blood red, her eyes almost glowing in the dark. He hears her at the last second, whirling to face her with a gasp. She reads the fear on his face and smiles sadly, reaching out a hand to him. AMY Don't be frightened, Charley. She takes a step closer and he steps away. Amy stops, staring at him; then she slowly begins to advance on him, unbuttoning her blouse, her voi ce a husky, purring whisper. AMY Charley, I love you -- (he backs away; she keeps coming closer, exposing more and more of her body) What's wrong, Charley, don't you want me anymore? He suddenly breaks her spell, coming to his senses and whip ping out his cross, thrusting it. in her face. She whirls away with a snarl, burying her face in her hands, softly beginning to weep. AMY It's not my fault, Charley. You promised you wouldn't let him get me, you promised. (CONTINUED) I pk Rev. 11/16/84 99C. 152 CONTINUED: He stares at her, guilt boiling up inside of him. He steps forward, touching her shoulder, letting the cross drop to his side. CHARLEY AMY -- She whirls, huge fangs flashing, dripping hungry saliva, and dives for his exposed throat. He whips the cross up, but'not in time, her forearm smashing into his wrist, sending the cross whirling away into the darkness. Amy straightens, smiling at him, the. huge fangs sparkling in the light from the open doorway above. - (CONTINUED) bl Rev. 10/9/84' 100. 152 CONTINUED: '(2) She begins to walk toward him, her sexual interest in Charley gone, replaced by mad, driving hunger. At the other end of the room, Peter desperately weaves his way among the pieces of furniture dotting the floor, looking for the coffin. He stops before a huge armoir, whips it d own to discover it empty, and is about to move on when he glances down. There, at the corner of the armoir, is a small hole with rats scurrying in and out. Realizing something must be behind the huge piece of furniture, he shoves it aside, toppling it CRASHING to the floor. A hidden alcove, more a dais than anything else, is revealed, a huge window at the back covered with a blackout curtain, and Jerry's ornate brassbound coffin sitting in the middle, covered with CHATTERING, crawling RATS. Peter stares at it, horrified, calling out into the darkness behind him. PETER Charley, I found it -- Back at the other end of the room, Charley is backing away from Amy as she slowly stalks him, the stake she picked up in the attic-in her hands. Charley yells back at Peter. CHARLEY Get it open! She suddenly leaps for him, .stabbing with the stake only to miss him by inches, sending it plunging through the back of a chair with her growing strength, shattering it against the stone wall behind the chair. She turns on Charley, empty-handed now, continuing.to stalk him. Before-the dais, Peter stifles his revulsion of the rats and leaps forward, rushing to the side of the coffin and fumbling with the clasps only to discover they're locked. he cries out again.. PETER He'_s locked it somehow from the inside.. He grabs a hammer from his pocket and starts pounding at the clasps, trying to free them while at the side of the room Charley continues to back away from Amy, calling back. CHARLEY HURRY -- He goes to dodge Amy when she leaps forward, shoving a bureau across his path, blocking his escape. She smiles at him, continuing to back him into a corner. (CONTINUED) yl Rev. 11/23/84 101. 152 CONTINUED: (3) Back at the coffin, the clasp finally comes loose beneath Peter's pounding and he moves to the next one, smashing at it with the hammer desperately. Back at the side of the room, Charley dodges Amy, leaping over a pile of refuse in his desperation to escape, the girl vampire diving after him, her fingers clawing into his back and shredding his shirt as he twists out of her grasp. I Back at the dais, Peter breaks the last clasp, throws the coffin lid open, sees Jerry resting beneath him, the king vampire's eyes closed. He fumbles a spare stake from his belt, pressing it to the creature's heart, about to slam it home with the hammer when suddenly behind him Charley crashes INTO VIEW on the floor, Amy fixed to his back, rising over his, struggling to sink her fangs in his neck. Peter whirls at the NOISE, momentarily distracted. In the coffin, Jerry's eyes snap open, fixing on Peter. With a snarl he sits right up in the coffin behind Peter, the man turning back only to find himself face to face with the enraged vampire. Jerry opens his mouth, about to kill him when Peter slams it home, missing his heart and impaling his shoulder. The old -actor falls back as the vampire rises out of his coffin, the stake protruding from his shoulder, Amy stopping in her struggle to kill Charley, both she and the boy staring.up at the huge vampire looming over all three. With superhuman deliberation, Dandrige pulls the stake from his chest and hurls it away. It smashes into a far wall, splintering a window, sending a thin ray of light into the room. Dandrige turns on Peter, his face con- vulsed with hatred. He leaps for him, smashing him into a wall, about to sink his fangs into Peter's neck as Charley watches. CHARLEY (SCREAMING} No! He desperately leaps around Amy, reaching for the blackout curtain covering the window at the back of the.dais. - She jumps after him, grabbing him just as his fingers close around the curtain. She pulls him to the floor, her mouth open, about to sink her fangs in him as the drape comes with him, tearing from the window and sending a huge bolt of sunlight streaming into the dank room. (CONTINUED) 0 Â¢ pk Rev. 11/16/84 102. 152. CONTINUED: (4) it hits Jerry Dandrige squarely in the back, whirling him away from Peter, picking him up and throwing him across the room, slamming him into the far wall, pinning him there several feet above the floor. He writhes in the golden beam, twisting this way and that, but unable to escape as his body slowly begins to smoulder, a million small fires breaking out all over him as begins to burn. JERRY N000000 --- ! As Peter and Charley watch unable to tear their eyes. away, the vampire's body suddenly EXPLODES in a whooshing ball of flame that incinerates him instantly, leaving nothing behind but the ECHOING SCREAM of a soul finally going to hell. Amy rolls off of Charley moaning. He turns to her. CHARLEY AMY -- She slowly opens her eyes, the girl he knew staring back at him, her fangs gone. She throws herself in his arms, weeping softly. He holds her close, staring across the room at Peter who sits beside the coffin, wiping Dandrige's. blood from his face and mouth with his handkerchief, nothing but silence in the room now, the sun shining mer- rily through the window, only a few wisps of charcoal floating lazily through the air to remind any of them what just happened. DISSOLVE TO: 153 EXT. DANDRIGE AND BREWSTER HOUSE - NIGHT The Dandrige house is dark, a "For Sale" sign prominently displayed on the front lawn. The house itself now seems innocuous and ordinary, free forever of the evil that once dwelt within. The Brewster house-next door is lit and gay, much as it was on the first night we saw it. The TV can be heard coming from the house. ANNOUNCER'S VOICE And now, Fright Night, starring Peter Vincent. 154 INT. CHARLEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Charley and Amy lay on his bed, making out like crazy, the TV tuned in to Fright Night just as it was the first evening we met them. They break for a moment as Peter Vincent comes up on the screen. (CONTINUED) gr Rev. 11/25/84 103. 154 CONTINUED: PETER (V.0.) This is Peter Vincent, once more back with you as host of Fright Night. I thought I'd let the vampires rest for a little while. (winking into camera) Right, Charley? (back into his host ROLE) Tonight the threat comes not from beyond the grave, but from beyond the stars as alien beings stalk an unwary summer camp in "MARS WANTS FLESH." (PAUSE) I do not star in it. Amy turns back to Charley, the two of them staring at each other, obviously deeply in love. Then she slowly begins to undress. Smiling he rises, inadvertently turning to his window as he takes his shirt off, much as he did the first night. He freezes. There in Jerry's window, looking back at him, are a pair of red glowing eyes. Charley blinks. He looks at the window again. The eyes are gone... Behind him, Amy looks at him questioningly. AMY Charley, is something wrong? With a quizzical shake of his head, Charley slams the window shut and turns to her. CHARLEY No, nothing. He jumps into bed with her,, the two of them beginning to make- love as the CAMERA PANS off them to the window, pushing out through the window closing in on Jerry's window across the way. A pair of red eyes stand there in the darkness, staring and staring as the CAMERA MOVES CLOSER AND CLOSER. They blink; . they're for real; there is another vampire out there and he is watching Charley. FADE OUT. THE END

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN FROM DUSK TILL DAWN Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino Story by Robert Kurtzman Directed by Robert Rodriguez This script was transcribed, proof read and formatted by ueli riegg email: [email protected]; url: http://studiour.tsx.org Cast List: Quentin Tarantino Richard Gecko George Clooney Seth Gecko Brenda Hillhouse Hostage Gloria Harvey Keitel Jacob Juliette Lewis Kate Ernest Liu Scott Cheech Marin Border Guard, Chet Pussy, Carlos Selma Hayek Santanico Pandemonium Danny Trejo Razor Charlie Ernest Garcia Big Emilio Tom Savini Sex Machine Fred Williamson Frost "I earnestly wish an end would come to this bloody race I am forced to run." Countess in: "La Comtesse Noire" by Jess Franco FADE IN: EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY A convenience store in a Texas Suburb. No other businesses surround it. CLOSE-UP: A light switch is flipped on. The sign on top of the store lights up. It reads: BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR. TITLE CARD: BIG SPRING, TEXAS 109 MILES WEST OF ABILENE 345 MILES EAST OF THE MEXICAN BORDER A Texas Ranger patrol car pulls into the parking lot and a real live Texas Ranger, EARL MCGRAW, steps out. McGraw is in full ranger uniform - button shirt, cowboy hat, boots, mirrored shades, tin star and a colt revolver on his hip. It's about an hour and a half before sundown and McGraw is off duty for the day. The only other car in the parking lot is a 1975 Plymouth INT. BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR - DAY A young Hawaiian Shirt wearing man named PETE sits on a stool behind the counter. A few CLOSE-UP:STOMERS fiddle about. A MAN wearing a black suit, black tie, and wire rim glasses holds hands with a PRETTY BLONDE GIRL in cutoffs and bare feet. They look through magazines. Another black suit wearing MAN holds hands with a RED-HEADED GIRL in a prep school uniform. They look through the beer cooler in the back of the store. Both girls are around seventeen. MCGRAW enters the store. MCGRAW Hot goddamn day! PETE Haven't felt it a bit. Been inside with the air conditioner blastin' all day long. MCGRAW Not even for lunch? PETE I'm by myself today, ate my lunch outta the microwave. McGraw walks over to the beer cooler, as if done ritually every night (it is), takes out a beer, pops it open and joins Pete by the front counter. MCGRAW Jesus Christ man, that microwave food will kill ya as quick as a bullet. Those burritos are only fit for a hippie high on weed. Pull me down a bottle of Jack Daniels. I'm gettin' tanked tonight. PETE Whatsamatter? MCGRAW (sighs) Awww, it's just been a shitass day. Every inch of it hot and miserable. First off, Nadine at the Blue Chip got some sorta sick, so that Mongoloid boy of hers was workin' the grill. That fuckin' idiot don't know rat shit from Rice Krispies. I ate breakfast at nine, was pukin' up pigs in a blanket like a sick dog by ten thirty. PETE Isn't there a law or something against retards serving food to the public? MCGRAW Well, if there ain't there sure oughta be. Who knows what goes on inside Mongoloid's mind? PETE You could sue the shit out of her, ya know. That kid belongs under a circus tent, not flippin' burgers. You could own that fuckin' place. MCGRAW What the hell would I do with that grease pit? Besides, Nadine's got enough of a cross to bear just taking care of that potato head. Then all this Abilene shit happened. You heard about that bank robbery in Abilene, didn't ya? PETE That's all that's been on the box all day. They killed some people didn't they? MCGRAW Four Rangers, three cops, and two civilians. And they took a lady bank teller as a hostage. Pete doesn't say anything. MCGRAW They'll probably make a run for the border, which would bring 'em this way. And if we get our hands on those shit asses, we're talking payback time. We'll get 'em all right. I gotta piss. I'm gonna use your commode. PETE Knock yourself out. McGraw drops his last drip of beer, crushes the can and exits in the bathroom. The black suited man by the beer cooler turns around and, with the prep school girl in tow, walks rapidly toward Pete. We see that the girl is crying. BLACK SUITED MAN #1 (to Pete) Do you think I'm fuckin' playing with you, asshole? (points to the tearful prep school girl) Do you want this little girl to die? (pointing to the blonde with the other guy) Or that little girl? Or your bosombuddy with the badge? Or yourself? I don't wanna do it, but I'll turn this fuckin' store into the Wild Bunch if I even think you're fuckin' with me. The two men in black suits are the notorious Abilene bank robbers, SETH and RICHARD GECKO, "The Gecko Brothers." And the other customers are all being held hostage. Seth is the one with the prep girl. Richard is the one with the blonde. Everybody speaks low and fast. PETE What do you want from me? I did what you said. SETH Letting him use your toilet? No store does that. PETE He comes in here every day and we bullshit. He's used my toilet a thousand times. If I told him no, he'd know something was up. SETH I want that son-of-a-bitch out outta here, in his car, and down the road or you can change the name of this place to "Benny's World of Blood." Richard, holding tightly the hand of the terrified girl, leans next to Seth's ear and whispers something. Seth looks at Pete. SETH Were you giving that pig signals? PETE What? Are you kidding? I didn't do anything! Richard whispers something else in Seth's ear. SETH He says you were scratching. PETE I wasn't scratching! SETH You callin' him a liar? Pete controls himself. PETE I'm not calling him a liar, okay? I'm simply saying that if I was scratching, and if I did scratch, it's not because I was signaling the cop, it's because I'm fuckin' scared shitless. Richard speaks for the first time in a low calm voice to Seth. RICHARD The Ranger's taking a piss. Why don't I just go in there, blow his head off and get outta here. PETE Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural -- in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting. You asked me to get rid of him, I'm doing my best. SETH Yeah, well, your best better get a helluva lot fuckin' better, or you're gonna feel a helluva fuckin' lot worse. The toilet FLUSHES. SETH Everybody be cool. Everybody goes back to what they were doing. McGraw steps back out of the back. He appears to be unaware of the situation. MCGRAW Yeah, and I'm gonna be right back at it tomorrow. So tonight I'm gonna sit in front of the box and just drink booze. How much is the bottle? PETE Six-fifty. Out of nowhere Richard WHIPS out his forty-five automatic and SHOOTS McGraw in the head. McGraw goes down screaming. Richard stands over him and SHOOTS him twice more. Seth charges forward. SETH (to Richard) What the fuck was that about? RICHARD (in a low monotone) He signaled the Ranger. PETE (hysterical) I didn't. (to Seth) You gotta believe me, I didn't. RICHARD (to Seth) When they were talkin', he mouthed the words "Help Us." PETE You fuckin' liar, I didn't say shit! Richard SHOOTS Pete and Pete falls down behind the counter. Seth grabs Richard and throws him up against the wall. SETH What the fuck is wrong with you -- RICHARD Seth, he did it. You were by the beer cooler with your back turned. I was by the magazines, I could see his face. And I saw him mouth: Richard mouths the words, "Help Us." While Pete lies on the floor behind the counter bleeding from his bullet wound, he opens his floor safe and pulls out a gun from it. Seth releases his brother. SETH Start the car. RICHARD You believe me don't cha? SETH Shut up and start the car. Richard walks away from Seth and crosses the counter... ...when Pete SPRINGS up, gun in hand, and SHOOTS Richard in the hand. Richard FALLS to his knees, howling. Both Pete and Seth SPRAY the store with gunfire. Seth DIVES down an aisle. He reloads. Pete DUCKS behind the counter. He reloads. Richard has crawled to safety behind an aisle. The two girls have run out screaming. SETH (yelling) Richie? You okay? RICHARD (yelling) I'm not dead, but I'm definitely shot! I told you that bastard said, "Help us!" PETE (yelling) I never said help us! SETH (yelling) Well that don't matter now, 'cause you got about two fuckin' seconds to live! Richie! RICHARD (yelling) Yeah? SETH (yelling) When I count three, shoot out the bottles behind him! RICHARD Gotcha! SETH One... Two... Three. The two brothers start FIRING toward the counter. They HIT the bottles of alcohol on the shelf behind Pete. Pete is crouched on the ground as glass, debris and alcohol RAIN down on him. Seth grabs a roll of paper towels from off a shelf. Richard keeps FIRING. Seth douses the paper towels with lighter fluid, sets it on fire with his Zippo, then tosses it. The flaming roll of paper towels FLIES through the air. The fireball lands behind the counter. The entire counter area immediately BURSTS INTO FLAMES. Pete screams from behind the counter. Seth smiles to himself and stands. Richard shakes his head in amusement and stands. Pete runs out from behind the counter, ENGULFED IN FLAMES still holding his weapon and FIRING. Seth and Richard hit the ground FIRING their .45's. Pete, the human torch, FALLS like a tree into the Hostess Pastry display. Seth and Richard rise from the rubble. EXT. BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR - DAY They exit the store squabbling. The store is bursting into flames. SETH What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Buy the road map and leave. RICHARD What am I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us. SETH He didn't recognize shit. Both Seth and Richard stand on opposite sides of the car. RICHARD Seth, I'm telling you, the way he looked at us -- you especially -- I knew he knew. They both climb in the car, Seth behind the wheel. Seth starts it op. The souped up engine ROARS to life. We can hear Seth mumbling under the motor. SETH Low profile. Do you know what the words "low profile" mean? CLOSE-UP: SETH'S FOOT PUNCHES GAS. The Plymouth tears out of the parking lot backwards, hits the street, and speeds off down the road. We CRANE UP HIGH to see the car leaving a trail of dust behind it, as the store burns out of control. OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE. Raunchy, honky-tonk MUSIC fills the theater. CUT TO: EXT. TEXAS PANHANDLE - DAY The Plymouth tears ass across Texas plains. As TITLES PLAY OVER, we see Seth and Richard enjoying their getaway/road trip. Seth behind the wheel, pops open a bottle of prescription pills, empties out four of the red capsules in his hand, pops them in his mouth, and washes it back with a slug of Jack Daniel's from a pint bottle. Richard looks at Seth through the hole in his hand. Like a boxer, Richard wraps his wounded hand with gaffer's tape. The camera leaves the boys, as they woosh down the street, and goes along the length of the car to the trunk. It hangs on the trunk. Then we see through the trunk, like Superman: AN OLDER WOMAN tied up and helpless in the trunk. The rest of the titles play over black as the song continues. CREDIT SEQUENCE ENDS CUT TO: EXT. EMMA AND PETE'S GRAVY TRAIN - DAY Emma and Pete's Gravy Train is a truck stop off of Highway 290. SUBTITLE APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN': FORT STOCKTON 238 MILES FROM THE MEXICAN BORDER INT. EMMA AND PETE'S GRAVY TRAIN - DAY Emma and Pete's PATRONS are made up of regulars, truckers, cowboys and road-weary travelers. The CAMERA DOLLIES through the maze of tables, patrons, and waitresses. It stops when it gets to a table occupied by the FULLER FAMILY. The Fullers definitely fall into the road-weary category. The members of the unit consist of the father, JACOB, age 44, an ex-preacher, a good man with rough edges, and his two children, KATE, age 19, is a young beauty who possesses what can only be described as an apple pie sensuality. She is dressed like a nice Christian girl, complete with crucifix. SCOTT, age 16, is a Jacob's Vietnamese adopted son. Scott is a likable, long-haired kid who always wears a T-shirt with the name of the heavy metal garage band he plays guitar for, "Precinct 13." The three of them are wolfing down a late lunch. JACOB We got about two more hours of day light left. That'll get us into El Paso, which is right next to the border. We'll stop at a motel -- SCOTT Stop? We're not going to actually stop at a motel, are we? Scott and Kate speak together, obviously repeating something that Jacob has said about three hundred times. SCOTT AND KATE We've got a Winnebago. We don't need those over priced roach havens. We're self contained. JACOB Okay, Okay, maybe I was a little overzealous, but give me a break, I just bought it. Scott and Kate continue the impersonation. SCOTT Why, just look at all this. You got your kitchen -- KATE -- you got your microwave -- SCOTT -- you got your sink -- KATE -- you got your shower -- SCOTT -- see this, television! KATE Feel this, real wood paneling. That's real wood, too, not that fake stuff. JACOB Unless you two wiseacres wanna be introduced to the joys of hitchhiking, what say we drop this? SCOTT (to Kate) The truth hurts. KATE (to Scott) It's the bitterest of pills. JACOB You two ought to start a stand-up act, because you're just wasting your humor on me. KATE Ain't it the truth. SCOTT Why do you want to stop? JACOB I'm exhausted. SCOTT Lie in the back, Dad, I'll drive us into Mexico. Jacob gives Scott a look that says, "You aren't touching my new motor home." JACOB I just bet you would. Don't even thin about it. Besides, I want to have one night's sleep in an honest-to-goodness bed. The beds in the home are okay, but they're not like a real bed. KATE Hey, if we go to a motel, we can swim. SCOTT I'll be right back. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Scott gets up from the table and walks out back to the restroom. Jacob and Kate are left alone. There's an awkward moment of silence before... KATE Dad, when I called the machine to check our messages there was one from Bethel Baptist. Mr.Franklin said he wouldn't permanently replace you until we came back. He said when we come home, if you still feel the same way -- JACOB That's very nice of Ted, but I'll call him tomorrow and tell him not to bother waiting. KATE I didn't want to talk about this in front of Scott because he gets upset. But you don't believe in God anymore? JACOB Not enough to be a pastor. Look, I know this is hard on you kids. After Jenny's death, this is probably the last thing you need. But I can't do it any longer. My congregation needs spiritual leadership. Well, they can't get that from me anymore. My faith is gone. To answer your question, yes, I do believe in Jesus. But do I love them? No. After Jenny died, I just thought, what's the point? KATE (pushing him) It's just, all our lives you've been a pastor. For twenty years you've preached trust in the lord. And then one day you wake up and say fuck him? JACOB I didn't say fuck him. I'm just not connected anymore. KATE That happens, you'll get it back. JACOB Kate, give your old man a little credit. Every person who chooses the service of God as their life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you'll look at your reflection in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a fool? We've all done it. I'm not going through a lapse. What I've experienced is closer to awakening. I'm not trying to shake your faith. I've just decided not to devote my life to God anymore. KATE What do you think Mom would say? JACOB Mom's got nothing to say, she's dead. CUT TO: CLOSE UP: COUNTER BELL. A hand slams down on it. RING. INT. LOBBY - DEW DROP INN - DAY Seth stands at the front desk of the Dew Drop Inn. A standard issue Texas motel. Richard sits outside in the car. Nobody responds to the bell. Seth BANGS it impatiently five times. TEXAS VOICE (O.S.) Hold your horses! An OLD-TIMER walks through a curtain behind the counter. He's eating a BBQ rib. OLD-TIMER (rough) Whatcha want? SETH Whatcha think I want, ya mean old bastard? I wanna room. EXT. COURTYARD - DEW DROP INN - DAY Richard sits in the car listening to Merle Haggard on the radio. He watches from his perspective, Seth taking the walking outside and getting in the car. Seth starts it up, and drives them to their room. RICHARD Do they have cable? SETH No. RICHARD Do they have an X-rated channel? SETH No. RICHARD Do they have a waterbed? SETH They don't have anything except four walls and a roof, and that's all we need. Their car drives up to room #9, but they park backing up the trunk close to the door. The two brothers get out of the car. SETH (tossing Richie the motel keys) Open the door. We gotta do this fast. Richie opens the door. Seth goes to the trunk, looks around the court yard. It's empty. CLOSE UP: KEY going into the trunk lock, turning. TRUNK POV: Seth looking into the camera. SETH'S POV: A WOMAN in her late forties is lying scrunched up in the trunk. She is the HOSTAGE BANK TELLER from Abilene. She's stiff, scared and looks an absolute mess. SETH Don't say a word. The two brothers, quick as lightening, yank the woman out of the trunk and whisk her into the motel room. SETH closes the trunk, looks around for any Johnny eye-witnesses, doesn't see any, slams the door. INT. SETH AND RICHARD'S ROOM - DAY Seth turns from the door, sees the hostage woman standing. SETH You. Plant yourself in that chair. She sits down in the chair. HOSTAGE What are you planning on doing with -- SETH -- I said plant yourself. Plants don't talk. You wanna get on my good side? Just sit still and don't make a peep. She shuts up. Richard slowly takes off his jacket. He winces from his wound. SETH Let me help you. He helps him get his jacket off. SETH How's it feel? RICHARD How ya think, it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. Richie goes over to the bed and lies down on it. Seth takes the pillow and stacks them for Richie to prop his back up against. SETH I got both rooms on either side of us, so we don't gotta worry about eavesdropping assholes. How's that feel? You okay? RICHARD Feels good. SETH I'm gonna go get the money. He heads for the door. EXT. COURTYARD - MOTEL - DAY Seth goes into the car, takes out a big suitcase. He scans the perimeter with his eyes, goes back inside. INT. MOTEL ROOM #9 - DAY Seth comes back in, lays the suitcase on the bed. Richie has the TV remote control in his hand and he's flipping stations. Seth looks at his watch. SETH It's about five o'clock. (to hostage) What time does it get dark around here? HOSTAGE About seven. SETH Good. I'm going towards the border to check things out while it's still daylight. Call Carlos and arrange the rendezvous. RICHARD Hey, when you talk to him, see if you can arrange a better deal than thirty percent. SETH That's their standard deal, brother. They ain't about to change it for us. RICHARD Did you even to try to negotiate? SETH These guys ain't spic fire cracker salesman from Tijuana. They don't even know the meaning of the word "barter". You wanna stay in El Ray? You give them thirty percent of your loot. It's scripture. So it is written, so shall it be done. You want sanctuary, you pay the price, and the price is thirty percent. RICHARD All I'm saying -- SETH -- This conversation is over. Richie shrugs and turns back to TV, Seth turns to the hostage, grabs a chair and slides it up in front of her. SETH Now, we need to have a talk. What's your name? HOSTAGE Gloria. He shakes her hand. SETH Hello, Gloria, I'm Seth and that's my brother Richie. Let's cut to the chase. I'm gonna ask you a question and all I want is a yes or no answer. Do you want to live through this? GLORIA Yes. SETH Good. Then let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no question. You make a noise... (he holds up his .45) ...Mr. 45 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 45 answers it. Now are you absolutely, positively clear about rule number one? GLORIA Yes. SETH Rule number two: You do what we say, when we say it. If you don't, see rule number one. Seth takes the .45, places the barrel next to the woman's cheek. She squirms and shuts her eyes. He pulls back the hammer. SETH Rule number three: Don't you ever try and fuckin' run on us. 'Cause I got five little friends, and they all run faster 'n you can. Got it? She nods her head yes. He takes the gun away and replaces the hammer. SETH Open your eyes. She does. SETH Gloria, you hang in there, follow the rules, and don't fuck with us, you'll get out of this alive. I give you my word. Okay? She nods her head yes. Seth rises. SETH I'll be back in a bit. He exits. Richard looks to the TV, then looks to Gloria sitting across the room in the chair. RICHARD Wanna come up here on the bed and watch TV with me? You can tell she doesn't want to. He pats the empty space next to him. RICHARD Come on. She gets out of her chair, walks across the bed, and sits next to him. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY A phone booth outside of a gas station. Seth is in the middle of a conversation with the party on the other end. SETH Things are real hot here. Crossing's gonna be a bitch. (pause) Don't worry, we'll get across. But when we do, where do we go? (pause) Can we make it as close to the border as possible? Texas wants our balls. The quicker we're in your protection, the better I'll feel. (pause) Okay, where? (pause) The Titty Twister? (he laughs) I love it already. Okay, Carlos, I'll see you and your men at the "Titty Twister" tomorrow morning. (pause) Bye, my friend. Seth hangs up the phone, lights up a cigarette with his Zippo lighter and exits frame. After Seth exits, leaving the frame empty, a subtitle appears: EL PASO 5 MILES FROM THE MEXICAN BORDER CUT TO: INT. SETH AND RICHARD'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Richard lies on the bed by himself, propped up by pillows, watching TV, taking on hits from a water bong in the shape of a wizard. ON TV A local newscaster named KELLY HOUGE is reporting a story about the brothers. KELLY HOUGE (talking to camera) This bloody crime spree started just a week ago today. The oldest of the two brothers... MUG SHOT OF SETH KELLY HOUGE (V.O) ...Seth Gecko was serving time in Rolling's Kansas State Penitentiary for his part in the 1988 Scott City bank robbery in which two law enforcement officers lost their lives. BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE Having served eight years of his twenty-two year sentence, Seth Gecko was brought to Wichita Municipal court house for his first parole hearing. It was while at the court house that this man... MUG SHOT OF RICHARD GECKO KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ... his younger brother Richard Gecko, a known armed robber and sex offender, pulled off a daring daylight escape... BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE ...resulting in the death of four Wichita law enforcement officers, and this woman... PHOTO OF WOMAN SMILING KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...Heide Vogel, sixth grade teacher who was run over by the Geckos during a high speed pursuit through downtown Wichita. MAP OF AMERICA A red line travels from Wichita to Oklahoma. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) From there the brothers traveled from Kansas through Oklahoma... The red line enters Texas and the camera moves into Texas. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...into the great state of Texas, and then finally... WE ZOOM in on a red-circled Abilene. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...into Abilene. We hear GUNFIRE and SCREAMS. CUT TO: EXT. THE CRIMINAL COURT BUILDING - DAY Kelly Houge walks down the courthouse steps of the criminal courts building of Abilene. She talks to the camera. Cops, lawyers and citizens bustle in the background. KELLY HOUGE The list of the dead climbed up three more notches since our last telecast. CUT TO: PHOTO: OFFICER SHERMAN GOODELL in full police uniform. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) Officer Sherman Goodell, who was in intensive care following the gun battle outside of the Valley Federal bank building... CUT TO: EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Kelly Houge standing on the court house steps talking into the camera. KELLY HOUGE ...died about forty-five minutes ago at Hopkins General hospital. And about six hours ago, during a daylight liquor store robbery in Big Springs, The Gecko Brothers killed another Texas Ranger... CUT TO: PHOTO: EARL MCGRAW in uniform. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...Earl McGraw... CUT TO: PHOTO: PETE in a Hawaiian shirt holding up a big fish. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...and liquor store clerk Pet Bottoms. CUT TO: VIDEO FOOTAGE: Of Benny's World of Liquor burning down. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) Then they proceeded to burn the store down to the ground. CUT TO: VIDEO GRAPHIC: Picture of The Gecko Brothers with a tally underneath: THE GECKO BROTHERS WICHITA JAIL BREAK VALLEY FEDERAL BANK ROBBERY BIG SPRINGS CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY DEATH TOLL 13 TEXAS RANGERS - POLICE OFFICERS - CIVILIANS 4 7 2 KELLY HOUGE That changes the death toll to fifteen. (It changes under "Death toll") Five Texas Rangers... (it changes) Eight police officers (it changes) Three civilians. (it changes) CUT TO: BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE And one hostage... CUT TO: PHOTO: GLORIA HILL KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ... bank teller and mother of four, Gloria Hill. KELLY TO CAMERA KELLY HOUGE Heading the case to bring these fugitives to justice is FBI agent Stanley Chase. We talked with agent Chase earlier this afternoon. CUT TO: VIDEO INTERVIEW Kelly Houge interviewing STANLEY CHASE of the FBI. STANLEY CHASE For the time being we are very confident we will apprehend the fugitives in the next forty-eight hours. The Bureau, local law enforcement and the Texas Rangers have all joined forces in forming a dragnet to snare Seth and Richard Gecko. KELLY HOUGE Agent Chase, does it appear that they are heading for Mexico. STANLEY CHASE Yes, it does, Kelly. We have already alerted the Mexican authorities. They intend to cooperate every way possible in bringing these fugitives to justice. KELLY HOUGE Are you optimistic about the safety of the hostage they took in Abilene, Gloria Hill? STANLEY CHASE We've received no news one way or the other. We can only hope for the best. KELLY HOUGE What about the report from an eyewitness at the liquor store who said one of the brothers was shot? STANLEY CHASE This can't be confirmed at this time, but we do believe it to be true. We have reason to believe it was the youngest brother Richard, and he was shot in the vicinity of his neck and shoulders by the store's clerk. KELLY HOUGE Is it safe to assume that because the death count involved and the loss of life of law enforcement officers, that the Bureau, the Rangers and the police force are taking this manhunt personally? STANLEY CHASE I would say that's a very safe assumption. CUT TO: RICHARD SMILES. RICHARD (Newscaster's voice) Is it safe to assume since the law enforcement authorities in the great state of Texas are homosexuals of a sick and deviate nature, that they will be too busy fucking each other up the ass to actually catch The Gecko Brothers? (in an FBI voice) I would say that's a very safe assumption. He changes a channel on the television. We see a Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoon on the screen. CASPER Would you play with me? A big burly COP turns around. COP Sure, little boy... A GHOST!!! The cop heads for the hills. Casper cries. Seth enters the room carrying a six pack of beer and two take-out bags of Big Kahuna burgers. RICHARD Shit, I started to get worried. Where the fuck ya been? SETH Sight seein'. RICHARD What'd ya see? SETH Cops. RICHARD Didya look at the border? Seth dumps the burgers on the bed. Both men pop open beers and Richard goes to town on a hamburger. Seth flips off the TV SETH Yeah, I saw the border. Through binoculars from on top of a high building. That's about as close as I risked getting. What's the TV say? RICHARD They're going to apprehend us in forty-eight hours. Seth sits down and takes a hit off his beer. SETH (to himself) I gotta figure a way to get across that goddamn border. Longer we fuck around El Paso our lives ain't worth a shit. RICHARD Look, fuck the border. Let's just dig in and wait for things to cool down. SETH Richie, it's gonna get a lot fuckin' worse before it gets any fuckin' better. We showed our ass in Texas. We killed Texas fuckin' Rangers. They ain't gonna stop lookin' till they find us, and when they find us, they're gonna kill us. Texans take it very personal when ya kill their law enforcement officers. The El Paso police have already started a motel and hotel search for us. RICHARD How do you know? SETH I heard it on the radio. We gotta get our asses into Mexico tonight. Carlos is gonna meet us tomorrow morning at a rendezvous on the other side, then Carlos and his boys will escort us to El Ray and -- Seth stops talking and looks around. SETH Where's the woman? RICHARD What? Seth's out of his chair. SETH What'd ya mean, what? The fuckin' woman, the hostage. Where the fuck is she, Richard!? RICHARD She's in the other room. SETH What the fuck is she doin' there?! He goes to the door of the adjoining room. RICHARD Seth, before you open the door, let me explain what happened. Seth stops and looks at his brother. He knows what he means. He can't say anything, only point at his younger sibling. Then he BURSTS open the door. The dead, naked body of Gloria Hill lies on the bed. It's obvious Richard raped her and killed her. Seth covers his eyes with his hands. He slowly enters the room with the dead body. SETH (to himself) Oh, Richard, what's wrong with you? Richard rises from the bed. RICHARD Now, Seth, before you flip out, let me just explain what happened. Seth slowly turns to his brother, then walks toward him. Richard backs up. SETH Yeah, explain it to me. I need an explanation. What's the matter with you? RICHARD (low and calm) There's nothing wrong with me, brother. That woman tried to escape and I did what I had to do. SETH No. (pause) That woman wouldn't of said shit if she had a mouthful. RICHARD Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Once you left, she became a whole different person. SETH (slowly approaching) Is it me? Is it my fault? RICHARD It's not your fault, it's her fault! Seth grabs Richard and THROWS him in the corner of the room, holding tightly to his wrist. SETH Is this my fault? Do you think this is what I am? RICHARD What? SETH This is not me! I am a professional fucking thief. I steal money. You try to stop me, god help you. But I don't kill people I don't have to, and I don't rape women. What you doin' ain't how it's done. Do you understand? RICHARD Seth, if you were me -- SETH Just say yes! Nothing else, just say yes. RICHARD Yes. SETH Yes, Seth, I understand. RICHARD Yes, Seth, I understand. Seth hugs his little brother. Tight. SETH (whispers in Richie's ear) We get into Mexico, it's gonna be sweet Rosemary, hundred-proof liquor, and rice and beans. None of this shit's gonna matter. INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT Scott and Kate are in the front seat of their parked motor home. The motor home's parked in front of the Dew Drop Inn's front office. We see Jacob inside getting a room from the Old-Timer. KATE I can't believe he's stopping here. This place looks totally cruddy. Jacob walks out of the office. Kate yells from the motor home. KATE Dad, why are we stopping here? He opens the meter home door and climbs in. JACOB There's nothing wrong with this place. KATE It's a flop house. JACOB It's not a flop house. It's basic and simple. That doesn't make it a flop house. KATE If it doesn't have a pool, we're looking for a new place. Starting the huge car and slowly maneuvering it through the courtyard. JACOB It has a bed. That's all I care about. KATE Other places have beds, they also have cable TV, a gym, room service... EXT. COURTYARD - NIGHT Seth walks out of room #9 with a beer in his hand. He's thinking about how he's going to get over the border tonight. Lost in thought, he steps out in the path of the Fuller's motor home. Jacob slams on the brakes. Seth jumps back, startled. Both Kate and Scott are TOSSED out of their seats onto the floor. THUD... THUD... KATE Owww, my head. Jacob (pissed) honks his horn at Seth and yells out the window. JACOB Watch where you're going! THROUGH WINDSHIELD Seth just stands right in their way without moving, gazing up at the giant motor home. JACOB BEHIND THE WHEEL Kate and Scott join him up front looking at this weirdo. SCOTT What's this guy's problem? JACOB I have no idea. Seth continues standing in their way, making no attempt to move. Not threatening, just looking at them. HONK! JACOB Anytime, man. The horn snaps Seth back to this world. A smile breaks out on the escaped fugitive's face and he politely steps to one side to let them pass. Pass they do! KATE Creepy guy. SETH The Sword of Damocles is lifted from above Seth's head. He's just solved a problem that a mere thirty seconds ago seemed unsolvable. He knows exactly how he's going to cross the border. Whistling a happy tune, he turns and walks back into room #9. INT. FULLERS' MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT The Fullers are in room #12. It's identical to the one that the Gecko boys are in, except that the paintings above the beds are different. Jacob has fallen asleep in his clothes on the bed. Scott sits in a chair, headphones on, playing an unplugged electric guitar. Kate is nowhere in sight. KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK... on the door. Scott doesn't hear shit but his music. Jacob stirs a bit, but doesn't wake up. POUND... POUND... POUND... on the door. Jacob SPRINGS UP. He looks over at Scott, who, lost in guitar heaven, is oblivious of the knocker, then to the door. JACOB (yelling) What? From the other side of the door comes a friendly voice. VOICE (O.S.) I'm your neighbor in room 9, I hate to disturb you, but I'd like to ask a favor. Jacob swings his feet to the floor, stands up and walks to the door. As he passes Scott, he says, in his direction -- JACOB I hope none of this is disturbing you. Scott can't hear him, but when he sees his dad look at him, he smiles. Jacob opens the door and sees... ... Richard Gecko standing in the doorway, looking like the nicest guy in the entire world. RICHARD Hi there, I'm from room 9, my name is Don Cornelius. No, not the Don Cornelius from Soul Train. Me and my lady friend need some ice and we don't seem to have an ice bucket. Could we possibly borrow yours? I'll bring it right back. JACOB (still partially asleep) Sure. We follow Jacob as he turns to the dresser to get the motel ice bucket. He grabs it, turns back to the door, takes a couple of steps towards it, then stops: in his tracks. He sees Richard and Seth both inside the room with the door closed, both with .45's in their hands, both aimed at him. JACOB What is this? Seth SLUGS Jacob in the mouth, KNOCKING him to the ground. SETH It's called a punch. Scott suddenly becomes aware of what's going on around him and instinctively stands. Richard shoves his .45 in Scott's mouth. RICHARD Sit down. Scott lowers himself back down onto his seat. RICHARD Good boy. Jacob lifts his head off the floor and wipes blood away from his lip. He looks at his opponent who stands over him. SETH (to Jacob) What's your name? JACOB Jacob. SETH Okay, Jacob, get up and sit your ass down on the bed. Make a wrong move and I'll shoot you in the face. Jacob rises and sits on the edge of the bed. SETH (to Richard) Okay, move the Jap over there. Keeping the gun in Scott's mouth, Richard makes Scott rise... RICHARD Upsy daisy. ...guiding him over to the bed by his father. Richard removes the gun from Scott's mouth and stands next to his brother, looking down at their two hostages. SETH (to his hostages) What's the story with you two? You a couple of fags? JACOB He's my son. SETH How does that happen? You don't look Japanese. JACOB Neither does he. He looks Vietnamese. SETH Oh, well, excuse me all to hell. JACOB What's this about, money? SETH It's about money, all right, but not yours. You see, me and my brother here are in a little hot water and we need your assistance. The door to room #12 opens and a dripping wet, bikini clad Kate walks in. The brothers spin their guns in her direction. Kate, startled, screams. Jacob and Scott get on their feet and move forward. Seth spins back towards the two men, gun ready to spit. SETH (to Scott and Jacob) Stop! Jacob and Scott freeze. Richard moves like quicksilver, shutting the door and positioning himself behind the terrified Kate. KATE What's going on? RICHARD We're having a wet bikini contest, and you just won. JACOB (to Kate) It's okay, honey. Everything's going to be all right. SETH Just listen to daddy, sugar, and don't do nothin' stupid. (he turns to Jacob and Scott, who are still standing) You two, Simon says sit the fuck down! They slowly sit. Richard can't take his eyes off the dripping wet Kate. Both Jacob and Seth see this and neither men like it. Both for their own reasons. SETH (to Jacob) Where are the keys to the motor home? JACOB On the dresser. SETH Richie, take the keys. Start that big bastard up, and drive it up front. Richard doesn't move from his position behind Kate. Kate feels his eyes on her. She slowly turns and looks at him. He looks in her face. CLOSE-UP KATE She smiles at him. KATE Richie, will you do me a favor and eat my pussy? CLOSE-UP RICHARD RICHARD Sure. SETH (O.S.) Richard! Richard's eyes go to Seth. Everybody is where they were. Kate never turned around. SETH Not when you get around to it, now. Without saying a word, he takes the keys and leaves the room. SETH (pointing at Kate) You, Gidget, go in the bathroom and put on some clothes. She grabs some clothes from the floor and moves towards the bathroom. Seth GRABS her wrist. SETH You got three minutes. One second longer, I shoot your father in the face. Do you understand what I just said? KATE Yes. SETH Do you believe me? KATE Yes. SETH You damn well better. Go. She goes into the bathroom. JACOB Look, if you want the motor home, just take it and get out. Seth grabs a chair and slides it up to his two male hostages. SETH Sorry, Pops, it ain't gonna be that easy. We hear the motor home "HONK" twice outside. SETH Get ready to move out, we're all going on a little ride. Jacob shakes his head "no." JACOB Not a chance. SETH Come again? JACOB If you're taking people, take me. But my kids aren't going anywhere with you. SETH Sorry, I need everybody. JACOB My children are not going with you, and that's that. SETH (angry) That's not fuckin' that... (holds up his gun) this is fuckin' this. (he calms down and looks at Scott) Go sit over there. Scott gets up and walks to the other side of the room, leaving the two men alone. Seth speaks in a quiet, conversational tone. SETH I ain't got time to fuck around with you, so I'll make this simple. Take your kids and get in the car, or I'll execute all three of you right now. (he cocks the gun and puts it right in Jacob's face) What's it gonna be, yes or no answer? Jacob looks at him. JACOB Yes. SETH Good. (to Scott) Your old man's all right, he just saved your life. Seth BANGS on the bathroom door. SETH Times up, Princess. The bathroom door opens. Kate stands there, wearing a T-shirt, jeans and bare feet. SETH Okay, ramblers, let's get to rambling. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The motor home with the powder-keg interior drives through the Lone Star night. INT. MOTOR HOME NIGHT Richard's in the back bed area with a gun trained on Kate and Scott. The two scared siblings hold hands. KATE Excuse me. Richard zeros in on her. RICHARD What? KATE Where are you taking us? RICHARD Mexico. KATE What's in Mexico? RICHARD Mexicans. He doesn't smile. In the front part of the motor home, Jacob sits behind the wheel, driving into the night. Seth sits in the passenger seat, going through Jacob's wallet and talking to him calmly. SETH (reading his driver's license) Jacob Fuller. Jacob, that's biblical, ain't it? What am I askin' for, of course it is. (motioning behind him) What are their names? JACOB Scott and Kate. Seth repeats the names as he thumbs through the wallet. SETH Scott and Kate... Kate and Scott... Scott Fuller... Kate Fuller... Seth comes to a snapshot of Jacob and his wife. SETH Who's this? JACOB My wife. SETH Where is the little lady? JACOB In heaven. SETH She's dead? JACOB Yes, she is. SETH How'd she die? JACOB Auto wreck. SETH Come on, gimme some more details. How'd it happen? Some fuckin' drunk kill her? JACOB No. It was a rainy night, the brakes on the car weren't great. She had to stop suddenly. She slid on the road, she crashed, she died. SETH Died instantly? JACOB Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on. SETH Whewww! Those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they? JACOB Yes, they do. Seth looks back at the wallet. He sees Jacob's minister's license. SETH Is this real? JACOB Yes. SETH I've seen one of these before. A friend of mine had himself declared a minister of his own religion. Away to fuck the IRS. Is that what you're doing, or are you the real McCoy? JACOB Real McCoy. SETH You're a preacher? JACOB I was a minister. SETH Was? As in not anymore? JACOB Yes. SETH Why'd ya quit? JACOB I think I've gotten about as up close and personal with you as I'm gonna get. Now if you need me like I think you need me, you're not gonna kill me 'cause I won't answer your stupid, prying questions. So, with all due respect, mind your own business. SETH I seem to have touched a nerve. Don't be so sensitive, Pops, let's keep this friendly. But you're right, enough with the getting to know you shit. Now, there's two ways we can play this hand. One way is me and you go round an' round all fuckin' night. The other way, is we reach some sort of an understanding. Now, if we go down that first path at the end of the day, I'll win. But we go down the second, we'll both win. Now, I don't give a rat's ass about you or your fuckin' family. Y'all can live forever or die this second and I don't care which. The only things I do care about are me that son-of-a-bitch in the back, and our money. And right now I need to get those three things into Mexico. Now, stop me if I'm wrong, but I take it you don't give a shit about seeing me and my brother receiving justice, or the bank getting its money back. Right now all you care about is the safety of your daughter, your son and possibly yourself. Am I correct? JACOB Yes. SETH I thought so. You help us get across the border without incident, stay with us the rest of the night without trying anything funny, and in the morning we'll let you and your family go. That way everybody gets what they want. You and your kids get out of this alive and we get into Mexico. Everybody's happy. JACOB How do I know you'll keep your word? SETH Jesus Christ, Pops, don't start with this shit. JACOB You want me to sit here and be passive. The only way being passive in this situation makes sense is if I believe you'll let us go. I'm not there yet. You have to convince me you're telling the truth. SETH Look, dickhead, the only thing you need to be convinced about is that you're stuck in a situation with a coupla real mean motor scooters. I don't wanna hafta worry about you all fuckin' night. And I don't think you wanna be worrying about my brother's intentions toward your daughter all night. You notice the way he looked at her, didn't ya? JACOB Yes. SETH Didn't like it, did ya? JACOB No, I didn't. SETH Didn't think so. So, as I was saying, I'm willing to make a deal. You behave, get us into Mexico, and don't try to escape. I'll keep my brother off your daughter and let you all loose in the morning. JACOB You won't let him touch her? SETH I can handle Richie, don't worry. The two men look at each other for some measure of trust. Seth sticks out his hand. SETH I give you my word. Seth can't help but think about the last time he gave his word. SETH (hand sticks out) My words, my law. Better you not take it, and that's just where we are, then take it and not mean it. Jacob takes his hand, but looks right into Seth. JACOB If he touches her, I'll kill him. I don't give a fuck how many guns you have, nothing will stop me from killing him. SETH Fair enough. You break your word, I'll kill all of you. (calling to the back) Kate, honey! KATE Yeah. SETH You must have a bible in here, don't cha? KATE Yeah, we got a bible. SETH Get it and bring it up here, will ya, please? Kate goes into a drawer, pulls out a bible and brings it up front. SETH Hold it right there, sweetie pie. (to Jacob) Put your hand on it. Jacob does. SETH Swear to God, on the Bible, you won't try to escape and you'll get us across the border. JACOB I swear to God I won't try to escape and I'll do my best to get you into Mexico. SETH You best better get it done, Pops. Seth places his hand on the Bible. SETH I swear to God I'll let you loose in the morning. And your daughter will be safe. And I also swear if you do anything to fuck me up, I'll slit all your throats. TIME CUT TO: INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT Richard's in the back with Kate and Scott. Richard, expressionless, looks at Kate's bare feet. SLOW ZOOM KATE'S BARE FEET EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S TOES. They wiggle. His eyes go to her hands. SLOW ZOOM KATE'S HANDS EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S FINGERS His eyes go to her neck. SLOW ZOOM NAPE OF KATE'S NECK EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S ADAM'S APPLE. She swallows. His eyes move up. SIDE PROFILE OF KATE, SLOW ZOOM TO KATE'S LIPS Back to Richard. RICHARD Did ya mean what you said back there? Kate turns to him. KATE What? RICHARD In the room. Were you serious, or were you just foolin' around? I'm just bringing it up, 'cause if you really want me to do that for you, I will. KATE Do what? RICHARD (in a whisper) What you said to me in the room. KATE (whispers back) What did I say? RICHARD (whisper) You asked me if I would -- SETH (O.S.) Richard! RICHARD (to Seth) What? Seth and Jacob. SETH I told you to watch those kids, I didn't say talk to 'em. You guys ain't got nothin' to say to one another. So cut the chatter. Richard turns to Kate. RICHARD (quiet) We'll talk later. Kate still hasn't a clue what he means. CUT TO: EXT. THE MEXICAN BORDER - NIGHT Automobiles are lined up, waiting one by one to go into Mexico. Cop cars with their red and blue lights flashing are all over the place. Border Patrol men and Police are stopping all cars. Pulling up to the end of the line is the Fuller's mobile home. INT. MOBILE HOME - NIGHT Jacob at the wheel, Seth in the passenger seat. Seth jumps up and goes into action. SETH Okay everybody, it's show time. Richie, take Kate in the bathroom. Richard grabs the terrified Kate and drags her in the bathroom, SETH Scott, you come up front with your daddy. Scott does. Seth, keeping low, gets behind Jacob. JACOB I'm telling you, don't hurt her. SETH As long as you're cool, she'll be cool. What're ya gonna say? JACOB I don't have the slightest idea. SETH Well, you just keep thinkin' of that gun next to Kate's temple. Seth disappears into the bathroom with Kate and Richard, closing the door behind him. Father and son are alone for the first time since this whole thing began. SCOTT What are you gonna do? JACOB I'm gonna try and get us across the border. SCOTT No, dad, you gotta tell 'em that they're back there. Jacob is surprised to hear Scott say this. INT. BATHROOM - MOBILE HOME - NIGHT The bathroom, which consists of a shower, a toilet and a small sink, is a tight fit with three people in it. Richard has his back against the wall, with his arm around Kate, holding her in front of him. One hand is over her mouth, the other holds a .45 against her head. Kate's eyes are wide with fear. Seth stands, .45 in hand, ready to fire if the wrong person should open the door. Everybody talks low and quiet. RICHARD This isn't gonna work. SETH Shut up. It's gonna work just fine, RICHARD I just want to go on record as saying this is a bad idea. SETH Duly noted. Now, shut up. Everyone's quiet for a second, till Richard breaks it. RICHARD (to himself) They're gonna search the van. SETH (offhand) As long as you don't act like a fuckin' nut, we'll be just fine. RICHARD What does that mean? SETH (distracted) What? Richard lets Kate go, she quickly moves to the side. RICHARD You just called me a fuckin' nut. SETH No, I didn't. RICHARD Yes, you did. You said as long as I don't act like a fuckin' nut, implying that I've been acting like a fuckin' nut. SETH Take a pill, kid. I just meant stay cool. RICHARD You meant that, but you meant the other, too. Kate can't believe what she's watching. Neither can Seth. SETH (serious as a heart attack) This ain't the time, Richard. RICHARD (his voice rising) Fuck those spic pigs! You called me a fuckin' nut, and where I come from, that stops the train on its tracks. SETH (real quiet and violent) Keep your voice down. RICHARD (quiet back) Or what? BACK TO JACOB AND SCOTT JACOB Have you forgotten about your sister? SCOTT They're gonna kill us. They get us across the border, they're gonna take us out in the desert and shoot us. JACOB If they get over the border, they're gonna let us go. SCOTT Dad, I watch those reality shows. They never let anybody go. Any cop will tell you, in a situation like this, you get a chance, you go for it. This is our chance. JACOB What about Kate? SCOTT They're gonna kill her anyway. At least now with all these cops we've got a fighting chance. JACOB Son, I have this situation under control. I know exactly what I'm doing. You're going to have to trust me on this. SCOTT If trusting you means trusting those fuckin' killers, I can't do that. If you don't tell the cops, I will. Jacob grabs Scott by the front of his shirt, and yanks him to him. JACOB Now, you listen to me. You ain't gonna do a goddamn fucking thing, you hear me! Nobody cares what you think, I'm running this show, I make the decisions. SCOTT He's running the show. JACOB I'm running the show. I make the plays, and you back the plays I make. Stop thinking with your fucking balls. Kate in a room with a couple of desperate men with nothing to fucking lose ain't the time to "go for it." I need your cover. Cover my ass. There's a HONK behind them. They both look out the window. It's their turn with the BORDER PATROL GUARDS. JACOB takes the wheel and drives up. A stern BORDER GUARD approaches JACOB'S window. BORDER GUARD How many with you? JACOB Just my son and I. BORDER GUARD What is your purpose in Mexico? JACOB Vacation. I'm taking him to see his first bullfight. BACK TO BATHROOM RICHARD I'm curious. What was the nuttiest thing I did? SETH This ain't the time. RICHARD Oh, I know, was it possibly when your ass was rotting in jail and I broke it out? Yeah, you're right, that was pretty fuckin' nutty. Not to mention stupid. But you know what? I can fix that right now. SETH HAULS off and PUNCHES Richard smack in the head. Richard HITS the floor, Guard, Jacob, and Scott hear Richard fall in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD What was that? JACOB Oh, that's just my daughter in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD You said it was just you and your son. JACOB I meant me, my son and my daughter. CLOSE-UP BORDER GUARD BORDER GUARD Open the door. I'm coming aboard. BACK TO BATHROOM CLOSE-UP KATE We can only see Kate's face. It's scared. We hear rustling around the bathroom, but we don't know what it is. Then it's quiet. Then we hear talking outside the door, but we can't make it out. Then we hear a knock. KATE I'm in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD (O.S.) It's the Border Patrol. Open up. KATE It's open. We hear the door open and see the light change on Kate's face. She's looking up. BORDER GUARD in the doorway looking in. HE SEES: Kate by herself, pants around her ankles, sitting on the toilet. KATE Do you mind? Shut the fucking door. BORDER GUARD Excuse me. He closes the door. Kate lets out a breath. We wait a beat, Seth pulls back the curtain in the shower, we see Richie on the floor of the shower knocked out. Seth and Kate meet eyes. He gives her the O.K. signal. CUT TO: BACK WINDOW MOTOR HOME We see through the back window of the motor home, the border getting smaller as we drive away from it. Scott knocks on the bathroom door. SCOTT It's clear. Seth BURSTS out of the bathroom. SETH Goddamn, that was. intense! Seth goes to the back window. He sees the border getting farther and farther away. No cars following. SETH (to himself) We did it. (pause) We're in Mexico. Seth throws his head back and SCREAMS for joy. Kate, emerging from the bathroom, reacts to Seth's scream, along with Scott. Seth is so happy that he does a little jig in the back of the van. Everybody else is still tense as shit. But Seth lets go of all his tension, and becomes a new man before our eyes. He turns to Kate. SETH (loud and happy) Come here, Kate! Kate, nervous, takes a step back. He charges for her. GRABS her, hugs her around her waist, and spins her around. When he lets her go, she stumbles dizzily onto the bed. SETH (to Kate) You were magnificent! You told him to shut the fucking door. I'm hiding in the shower, and I'm thinking to myself, "Did I just fuckin' hear what I just fuckin' heard? And what does he do -- he shuts the fucking door! Kate kind of half smiles. SETH If I was a bit younger, baby, I'd fuckin' marry you! Seth goes up front and slaps Jacob on the back. SETH I gotta hand it to ya, Pops, you raised a fuckin' woman. Jacob doesn't share Seth's enthusiasm, but he is relieved. JACOB We did our part, we gotcha in Mexico. Now it's time for your part, letting us go. SETH Pops, when you're right, you're right, and you are right. KATE (suddenly brightens) You're gonna let us go? SETH In the morning, darlin', in the morning, we are G-O-N-E and you are F-R-E-E. Now, I know I put you guys through hell, and I know I've been one rough pecker, but from here on end you guys are in my cool book. Scotty, help me pick Richie up, and lay him down. Jacob, keep going on this road till you get to a sign that says, "Digayo." When you get to Digayo, turn this big bastard left, go on down for a few miles, then you see a bar called "The Titty Twister." From what I hear, you can't miss it. JACOB Then? SETH Then stop, 'cause that's where we're going. He slaps him once again on the back, and leaves to attend to Richard. CUT TO: CLOSE-UP RICHARD without glasses. Unconscious, Seth slaps his face. SETH (O.S.) C'mon, kid, wake up. Don't make a career out of it. Richard starts coming to and opens his eyes. Seth sits at the foot of the bed. SETH You okay? RICHARD (disoriented) Yeah, I think so. What happened? SETH I don't know, you just passed out. RICHARD I did? SETH Yeah, we were just standing there. You said something about your shoulder hurting, then you just hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. RICHARD Really? SETH Yeah, when you fell your head smacked the toilet hard. It scared the shit outta me. Sure you're okay? RICHARD Yeah, I guess. I'm just a little fucked up. SETH Well, let me tell ya something, gonna clear your head right up. We are officially Mexicans. RICHARD What? SETH We are... (singing) "South of the border down Mexico way." RICHARD We are? SETH Yep. We're heading for the rendezvous right now. We get there, we pound booze till Carlos shows up, he escorts us to El Ray. And then me and you, brother, kick fuckin' back. How ya like them apples? Slowly shaking the cobwebs out of his head. RICHARD Far out. (pause) Where are my glasses? SETH They broke when you fell. RICHARD Oh, fuck, Seth, that's my only pair! SETH Don't worry about it, we'll get you some glasses. RICHARD What dya mean, don't worry about it. Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see. SETH When we get to El Ray, I'll take care of it. RICHARD Yeah, like a Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription. SETH It's not a big deal, unless you make it a big deal. Now, I'm real happy, Richie, stop bringing me down with bullshit. Jacob calls to the back. JACOB Guys! We're here. CUT TO: A neon sign that flashes: THE TITTY TWISTER Hiker/Trucker bar, Dusk till Dawn Underneath the joint's proud name on the sign, and on top of "Biker/Trucker bar, Dusk till Dawn" is a well-endowed woman, whose breast is being twisted by a neon hand. EXT. THE TITTY TWISTER NIGHT The neon sign sits on top of the rudest, sleaziest, most crab-infested, strip joint, honky-tonk whorehouse in all of Mexico. The Titty Twister is located out in the middle of nowheres ville. It sits by itself with nothing around it for miles. A plethora of choppers and eighteen wheelers are parked out in front. The walls almost pulsate from the LOUD, RAUNCHY MUSIC within the structure. Signs cover the walls outside reading things like: "NUDE DANCING", "WHORES", "BEER", "AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FOOD", "BIKERS AND TRUCKERS ONLY", "OPEN DUSK TILL DAWN", "THURSDAY COCKFIGHT NIGHT", "WEDNESDAY DOGFIGHT NIGHT", "DONKEY SHOW MONDAYS", "EVERY FRIDAY BARE KNUCKLE FIGHT TO THE DEATH, FEATURING THE LOVELY SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM", "ATHENA AND DANNY THE WONDER PONY", and "THE SLEAZY TITTY TWISTER DANCERS." In the parking lot, a BIKER and a TRUCK DRIVER beat the shit out of each other, one with a pipe, the other with a hammer. A SECOND BIKER fucks a Titty Twister WHORE against the wall. A greasy man, known as CHET PUSSY, stands in the parking lot, soliciting customers through a Mr. Microphone. CHET Pussy, pussy, pussy! All pussy must go. At the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! This is a pussy blow out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of pussy! We got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, hot pussy, cold pussy, wet pussy, tight pussy, big pussy, bloody pussy, fat pussy, hairy pussy, smelly pussy, velvet pussy, silk pussy, Naugahyde pussy, snappin' pussy, horse pussy, dog pussy, mule pussy, fake pussy! If we don't have it, you don't want it! The Fullers' recreational vehicle pulls into the parking lot and stops. INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT What's left of the Fuller family and the Gecko family look out the windshield onto the sight that is the Titty Twister. SETH (to the group) Okay, troops, this is the homestretch. Here's the deal; this place closes at dawn. Carlos is gonna meet us here sometime before dawn. Which by my guesstimate is somewhere between three or four hours from now. So we're gonna go in there, take a seat, have a drink -- have a bunch of drinks, and wait for Carlos. That could be an hour, that could be three hours, I don't know which. But when he gets here, me and Richie are going to leave with him. After we split, you guys are officially out of this stewpot. Let me just say I'm real happy about where we're at. We got a real nice, "I don't fuck with you -- you don't fuck with me" attitude going on. Now, if everybody just keeps playin' it cool -- and I'm talking to you, too, Richie -- everybody's gonna get what they want. Comprende, amigos? Everybody nods and mutters in agreement. SETH Okay hard drinkers, let's drink hard. I'm buyin'. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT The camper door FLIES OPEN and the two brothers and the Fuller family step out into the night. They look across the parking lot at the Titty Twister. It literally looks in some ways like the entrance to hell. JACOB Out of the stew pot and into the fire. SETH Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club. RICHARD I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up. Seth can't believe it. SETH (in a baby talk voice) Aww-w, whatsa matter, is the little baby too afraid to go into the big scary bar? The two brothers square off, not like strangers fighting, but like brothers fight. They talk real quiet, but real personal. RICHARD That's what you think? SETH That's how you're lookin', Richie. RICHARD I'm lookin' scared? SETH That's what you look like. RICHARD You know what you look like? SETH No, Richie, what do I look like? RICHARD You're lookin' green. That's not what Seth expected to hear. SETH How? RICHARD Where are you right now? SETH What do you mean? RICHARD Where are you? SETH I'm here with you. RICHARD No, you're not. You're sippin' margaritas in El Ray. But we're not in El Ray. We're here -- getting ready to go in there. You're so pleased with yourself about getting into Mexico, you think the job's down. It ain't. Get back on the clock. That's a fuck-with-you-bar. We hang around there for a coupla hours, in all likelihood, we'll get fucked with. So get your shit together, brother. SETH My shit is together. RICHARD It don't look together. SETH Well, it is. Just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm on vacation. You're just not used to seein' me happy, 'cause it's been about fifteen fuckin' years since I been happy. But my shit is forever together. Richard believes Seth's response. RICHARD Okay, just checkin'. They walk toward the bar's entrance. Chet Pussy talks into the microphone. CHET (yelling into the microphone) Take advantage of our penny pussy sale. Buy any piece of pussy a tour regular price, you get another piece of pussy, of equal or lesser value, for a penny. Now try and beat pussy for a penny! If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere, fuck it! Chet notices our heroes, especially young Kate. CHET (in microphone, towards Kate) What's this? A new flavor approaching. Apple Pie Pussy. SETH Step aside, asshole. Chet POKES HIS FINGER in Seth's CHEST. CHET Not so fast, Slick. Seth GRABS HOLD of Chet's FINGER, BENDS it BACKWARDS till the BONE SNAPS in two. Chet lets out a SCREAM. Seth VIOLENTLY brings his HEAD FORWARD PULVERIZING Chet's NOSE. Chet FALLS to his KNEES in front of Seth. Seth HOOKS him with a powerful FIST UNDER his CHIN that SNAPS Chet's HEAD BACK, and THROWS him on his BACK. After HITTING the GROUND, Seth SENDS a SAVAGE KICK straight to Chet's FACE, ROLLING HIM OVER. Chet is OUT. The whole altercation took two seconds. Everyone's in shock and looks at Seth. Seth looks back at everyone. SETH Now, is my shit together, or is my shit together? Richard and Seth laugh with each other. RICHARD (slappin' Seth five) Your shit is forever together! They head for the door. Richard stays behind for a second, and gives the fallen Chet a few, swift kicks, INT. THE TITTY TWISTER NIGHT If the Titty Twister looked like the asshole of the world from the outside, in the immortal words of Al Jolson, "You ain't seen nothin' yet." This is the kind of place where they sweep up the teeth and hose down the cum, the blood and the beer at closing. In the back, TOPLESS DANCERS do lap dances with customers, while a SLEAZY SEXY STRIPPER STRIPS to RAUNCHY MUSIC, played at ear drum-bursting level. TWO MEN are in a savage BAREKNUCKLE FIGHT, surrounded by screaming customers of bikers and truckers. One of the dancers is a man with a saddle on his back, his name is DANNY THE WONDER PONY. The woman on his back, in the saddle, feet in the stirrups, hands on the reins, is ATHENA, his rider. They dance around to the cheers of the crowd. Bikers and truckers play pool in the back. Fights break out here about one every ten minutes. The customers may start 'em, but the bouncer, BIG EMILIO, ends 'em. Seth, Richard, Jacob, Scott and Kate walk through the door. They each individually take in the sights and the smells. Seth is the first to say something. SETH Now this is my kinda place! I could become a regular. The man behind the bar is RAZOR CHARLIE. He eyes the group as they approach. Their difference from the usual road waif nomads who populate the Twister disturbs him. He exchanges a knowing look across the room with Big Emilio, as the group bellies up to the bar. SETH Whiskey! RAZOR CHARLIE (in English) You can't come in here. SETH What dya mean? RAZOR CHARLIE This is a private club. You're not welcome. SETH Are you tellin' me I'm not good enough to drink here? RAZOR CHARLIE This bar is for bikers and truckers only. (points his finger to Seth) You, get out! Big Emilio almost magically appears behind Seth and places HIS BIG BEEFY SAUSAGE-FINGERED HAND HARD on Seth's shoulder. BIG EMILIO (to Seth in Spanish) Walk, Pendaho. Seth slowly turns his eyes to the big hand on his shoulder. SETH (low) Take your hand off me. BIG EMILIO (Spanish) I'm going to count to three. SETH No, I'm going to count to three. BIG EMILIO Uno... SETH Two.. Jacob jumps in the middle. JACOB Now wait a minute, there's no reason to get ugly. There's just a misunderstanding going on here. You said this bar is for truckers and bikers, Well, I'm a truck driver. Everybody looks at Jacob. As Jacob talks he takes out his wallet. JACOB If you look outside your door, parked in your parking lot, you'll see a big ass recreational vehicle. That's mine. In order to drive that legally, you need a class two driver's license. That is the same license that the DMV requires truck drivers to carry in order to drive a truck. (he takes the license out of his wallet and lays it on the bar) That is me, and this is my class two license. This is a truck driver's bar, I am a truck driver, and these are my friends. Everybody's a little stunned after Jacob's speech. Razor Charlie picks up the license, looks at Jacob, looks at everyone in the party and smiles. RAZOR CHARLIE (to Jacob) Welcome to the Titty Twister. What can I get you? Seth BRUSHES OFF Big Emilio's paw. SETH Bottle of whiskey and five glasses. Razor Charlie's eyes go to Seth. Even though he has a big smile on his face, he looks like he's going to kill Seth. But instead he just says, RAZOR CHARLIE Coming right up. Razor Charlie goes for the bottle. Big Emilio gives the party one last look and walks away. Richard gives Jacob a buddy punch on the shoulder. RICHARD Good job, Pops. Seth's still frying an egg on his head. SETH That's just fuckin' typical. Biggest number one problem with Mexico, it's not service oriented. I was feelin' so good, and those fuckin' spies brought me down. Richard puts his arm around Seth. RICHARD Fuck 'em, shake it off. Razor Charlie brings the bottle and the glasses. Seth looks at the guy, still pissed. SETH You serve food, Jose? Razor Charlie knows Seth's taunting him with a racial slur, but he just smiles and says, RAZOR CHARLIE Best in Mexico. SETH I kinda doubt that. We're grabbin' a table, send over a waitress to take our order. Seth walks away, and the group follows him. We just hang on the evil wheels turning inside of Razor Charlie's head. The five of them move across the floor to a table. As they walk, Kate attracts stares, wolf whistles and rude comments from some of the patrons. Jacob keeps near his daughter. The dancers do their sexy routines. A big-chested, wild-haired blonde catches Scott's eye. She winks at him. Richard leans over and whispers in Scott's ear. RICHARD Anytime you want a lap dance with that broad, say the word. It's on me, kiddo. He gives the boy's neck a squeeze. Jacob's eyes survey the surroundings. Big Emilio and Razor Charlie quietly exchange words about the party in Spanish. RAZOR CHARLIE (in Spanish) They're not the normal road trash we normally feed on. But it'll be okay. No one knows they're here. The five of them find a table and sit down. Seth, still in a bad mood, takes the cork out of the whiskey bottle and tosses it. He pours Richie and himself a glass. SETH Who else? JACOB Pass. SETH (picking a fight) Why not, against your religion? JACOB (won't be baited) No, I do drink, I'm just not drinking now. SETH Suit yourself, more for me. (to Scott) Scotty? Scott shakes his head no. SETH (to Kate) How 'bout you? (pointing at Scott and Kate) are safer in here with us than wandering around a Mexican border town all night long. Just don't do nothin' stupid and we'll all get along fine. (to Scott) Scotty, you sure you don't want a drink? SCOTT Okay, I'll have one. JACOB No you won't. Seth pours Scott a shot. SETH Sorry, Pops, but I'm drinkin' and I don't like drinkin' alone. Bottoms up, boy. Scott takes the drink and he, too, experiences an on-drinker's tremor. Seth turns to Kate. SETH How about you, cutie pie? Ready for round two? KATE Okay. Seth just passes her the bottle. She pours her own shot and knocks it back. RICHARD (to Seth) Hey, Dr. Frankenstein, I think you just created a monster. Jacob turns to Seth and asks quietly. JACOB Why are you so agitated? SETH I'm still stewing about that ape laying hands on me. And that fuckin' bartender sticks a weed up my ass, too. JACOB He backed down. SETH He's smilin' at us. But behind his smile, he's sayin', "Fuck you Jack." I hear that loud and clear. JACOB What are you going to do? SETH (picking up the whiskey bottle) I'm gonna just sit here and drain this bottle. And when I've drunk the last drop, if I still feel then, the way I feel now, I'm gonna take this bottle and break it over his melon head. JACOB Before we stepped in here, you told all of us to be cool. That means you, too. SETH (tossing it off) I never said do what I do, I said do what I say. JACOB Are you so much a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won? Richard, Kate and Scott both turn to Jacob. Nobody can believe what he just said. Neither can Seth who calmly lays down his drinking glass. SETH What did you call me? JACOB Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again? Very well. Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? (pause) The entire state of Texas, along with the FBI, is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. They had every entrance to the border covered. There's no way you could get across. Did you? Yes, you did. You've won, Seth, enjoy it. Seth looks at Jacob, then picks up the bottle. SETH Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist. Jacob slides his empty glass over to Seth. Seth pours booze in Jacob's glass and his own. Both men pick up the glasses. SETH To your family. JACOB To yours. They both knock 'em back and slap the empty glasses down. JACOB Now, is your shit together? SETH Forever together. Seth turns to Scott. SETH In that camper out there I saw a guitar. I take it that's yours. SCOTT Yeah, it's mine. SETH Go out and bring it in. I feel a song coming on. CUT TO: Seth sitting at the table, playing guitar, singing Mexican songs. Some bikers, truckers, and whores have gathered around their table. Everyone's groovin'. Seth finishes the song. Everybody applauds. Razor Charlie behind the bar grabs the greasy microphone that he uses to announce dancers. RAZOR CHARLIE (announcer voice in Spanish) And now for your viewing pleasure. The Mistress of the Macabre. The Epitome of Evil. The most sinister woman to dance on the face of the earth. Lowly dogs, get on your knees, bow your heads and worship at the feet of SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM! The lights go down low. A light hits the stage. The opening notes of the Coaster's "Down in Mexico" fills the room. The crowd hushes up. And on the stage steps SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM. This Mexican goddess is beautiful, but not the beauty that Stendhal described in "As the Promise of Happiness," but the beauty of the siren who lures men to their doom. She dances to the raunchy music, not like she owned the stage, but like she owned the world. And if the patrons of the Titty Twister are her world, the world is proud to be her possession. All activity in the bar, save Santanico, stops. Even the Fuller/Gecko table falls under her spell. Especially Richard, Scott and Kate. Seth knows this song and accompanies from the table with the guitar. When the music builds to its explosive section. Santanico LEAPS from the stage, LANDING in the middle of the room. She does an eyes-closed voodoo dance in perfect step with the beat. As the music continues to play, a very fucked-up looking Chet Pussy walks in. He goes over to Razor Charlie and points at Seth's table, describing what happened. As the last verse plays, Santanico, like a snake, comes up from the ground, on top of the Fuller/Gecko table. Richard, Kate and Scott are enraptured. Santanico scans the table, zeroing in on our boy Richard. She STANDS OVER him. While moving her body to the music, she lifts up the whisky bottle from the table, and pours the whiskey down her leg. She lifts up her foot, with the whiskey dripping from her toes, and sticks it in Richard's face. SANTANICO (to Richard in Spanish) Drink up. Richie, mesmerized, sucks the whiskey off her toes. The CROWD GOES WILD. Santanico smiles, master of all she surveys. Jacob and Scott are embarrassed. Kate, oddly enough, is turned on by the controlling power this woman has over a man she's deathly feared. Seth laughs out loud a Mexican "yi yi yiii" laugh, keeping the beat with his guitar. Across the room, Razor Charlie, Chet by his side, motions over Big Emilio. He begins explaining with pointing what Seth and company did to Chet. Richard continues to suck her toes. The song ends, Santanico extracts her foot from Richard's mouth. Steps off the table. Takes a drink of whiskey. Looks down at the seated Richard. She GRABS the back of his hair, YANKS his head BACK. His mouth OPENS because she's hurting him. She LEANS her FACE OVER his like she's going to kiss him. Then let's the whiskey from her mouth fall into his. They never touch. The crowd applauds. She lets go of Richard's hair. Except for Jacob and Richard, both for their own reasons, the table applauds, none louder than Seth. SETH Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Now that's what I call a fuckin' show! One of Santanico's FLUNKIES brings the naked woman a robe, which she puts on. Richard, still in a daze, looks up at his new friend. SETH (snapping his fingers) Earth to Richie. Don't you wanna ask your new friend to join us? RICHARD Yeah. SETH Well, then ask her, dumb ass. RICHARD (looking up at Santanico) Por favor, Senorita. Would you care to join us? SANTANICO (to Richard) Muy bien, gracias. Santanico sits down next to Richie. Seth pours her a drink. SETH Richie, you lucky bastard! (to Santanico) Now, little lady, you could of just as easily done that to me. Who a Nelly! You got my dick harder 'n Chinese arithmetic. The table laughs. SETH Which reminds me of a joke. Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and she comes across Little Bo Peep, and Little Bo Peep says: "Little Red Riding Hood, are you crazy? Don't you know the Big Bad Wolf is walking these woods and if he finds you he's gonna pull down your dress and squeeze your titties?" Then Little Red Riding Hood hitches up her skirt and taps a .357 Magnum she has holstered on her thigh and says: "No he won't." As Seth tells his joke, Jacob notices Razor Charlie, Big Emilio and Chet moving rapidly towards their table. JACOB (to himself) Oh, shit. (to Seth) Seth -- Seth waves him away. SETH Not now. So finally she comes across the Big Bad Wolf and the Big Bad Wolf's laughing and says: "Little Red Riding Hood, you know better than to be walking around these woods alone. You know I'm just gonna have to pull down your dress and squeeze your titties." Then Little Red Riding Hood whips out her .357, cocks it, sticks it in the Big Bad Wolf's face and says: "No you won't. You're gonna eat me, just like the story says." Seth starts laughing at his own joke uproariously. Richard, Kate, Scott and Santanico join in too. Before Jacob can say anything -- The Titty Twister trio stand over the table. RAZOR CHARLIE (to Chet in Spanish) Which one? CHET (pointing at Seth) This piece of shit broke my finger and my nose... (pointing at Richard) then this fag kicked me in the ribs while I was down. That's all Big Emilio has to hear. BIG EMILIO (to The Gecko Brothers) Up! RICHARD Fuck off, ape man! Big Emilio leans in with his beefy hand, GRABS Richard by the shoulder. Richard lets out a howl as blood pours from his wounded shoulder. Santanico steps back from the table. Seth jumps to his feet and FIRES a round from his .45 into Big Emilio, sending his bullet-ridden body to the floor. Razor Charlie whips out a straight version of his name sake and SLASHES Seth across the face. Seth SCREAMS at the top of his lungs as his hand goes up to his laid open cheek. Richard, who has fallen to the ground holding his wound, brings up his .45 and starts BLASTING. Razor Charlie takes a bullet in the head, chest and belly before he hits the floor. Jacob and his children have hit the floor as well to stay out of gunfire. The bikers, truckers, waitresses and whores all stop what they were doing. The music continues to play, though the dancers stop dancing. Santanico, who's closest to the two brothers, smells something. Her NOSTRILS FLARE. Richard moves to his brother, who takes out a handkerchief and puts it to his face. RICHARD How are you? SETH Scarred for life, that's how I am! Seth looks up and sees Chet still standing there. SETH You thought it was pretty funny, didn't you? Both brothers FIRE on Chet. Chet's blown left... right... left... right... then drops, pointing their guns towards the crowd. SETH Everybody be cool, or you'll be just as dead as these fucks! SLOW MOTION: Blood drips down the side of Seth's face. SLOW MOTION: It splatters to the floor. The CAMERA scans the crowd. The patrons are scared, but the waitresses, whores and dancers lick their lips. SLOW MOTION: Blood drips from Richard's shoulder. It falls to the floor, splattering. WE MOVE INTO SANTANICO'S FACE. A special aroma fills her nostrils. Her eyes lock on Richard. The look on her face could easily be read as intense sexual desire. CLOSE-UP KATE ON FLOOR Looks up and watches, eyes wide with fear, Santanico's transformation. Her NOSE RECEDES INTO her face like a rodent's. The whites of her eyes turn YELLOW. The FANGS of a beast PROTRUDE from her mouth. Kate yells from the floor. KATE (yelling) Richie, look out! Before Richie can turn around. SANTANICO LEAPS ACROSS THE FLOOR, LANDS on his BACK and SINKS her FANGS into Richie's wounded SHOULDER. Richard LETS LOOSE with an agonizing SCREAM. Seth turns to his brother's cry. He sees SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM, like a mongoose attached to a cobra, legs wrapped around Richard's waist, fangs buried deep in his shoulder, and Richard screaming and slamming about, trying to knock her off. Richard screams to Seth: RICHARD Shoot her! Shoot her! Get her off! Seth tries to aim his gun, but there's too much movement. He can't get a clear shot. Jacob and his children can't believe what they're seeing. Richard can't take it anymore, his knees buckle. Santanico rides him down to the floor. Seth gets a clear shot, he takes aim and FIRES, hitting the vamp in the head, blowing her off his brother. Richard, who's on all fours, tries to stand and gets about half way before he stops, saying: RICHARD (with his dying breath) Fucking Bitch! He tumbles over, a corpse. SETH Richie. Suddenly, the eyes of Big Emilio, Razor Charlie and Chet Pussy pop open. The "dead" men sit up with evil grins on their faces. The patrons scream. A WHORE locks the front door (which is a complicated lock with steel rods going into the ground), turns toward the bar and yells: WHORE Dinner is served! The bikers and truckers who have been transfixed, watching the impossible, realize that the waitresses, naked dancers and whores who they were pawing just five minutes ago, have turned into yellow-eyed, razor-fanged, drool-dripping VAMPIRES. The vamps attack. What follows is a shark feeding frenzy. Whores, who had been sitting on customer's laps, sink their teeth into unshaven necks. Naked strippers and bikers wail the shit out of each other. Truckers get their heads caved in by women half their size. The patrons use what ever they can find to fend off the monsters: chairs, chair legs, broken bottles, switchblades, anything. Jacob, Kate and Scott make a dash and dive behind the bar. They hide and watch. Seth stands where his was, limp dick of a .45 in his hand, too freaked, scared and stunned to do anything. He stands motionless, watching what he can't believe. Behind him, Santanico, who lies next to the dead Richard, eyes POP OPEN. She RISES in her snake/dance way. Seth feels her and SPINS in her direction, gun raised. SANTANICO Let's see if you taste as good as your brother. She approaches Seth, who FIRES at her. BAM... BAM... BAM... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK. She laughs and gives her hair a toss back. Seth, moving backwards, is terrified. Santanico gives Seth a SWINGING ROUND HOUSE PUNCH to the JAW, that sends him FLYING over a table, SLIDING ACROSS the FLOOR and INTO the WALL. A bad-ass biker named FROST, with a hideous burn on the side of his face, stands on top of a pool table, swinging a pool cue, left to right, fending off vamps. Big Emilio picks up a biker who stabbed him with a switchblade and throws the poor bastard from one end of the bar to the other. The biker-winner of the bare knuckle fight, SEX MACHINE, goes head to head with a stripper. The vamp might have superhuman strength, but Sex Machine has close to superhuman strength, and he's matching the vamp bitch blow for blow. Then he GRABS her by the waist, LIFTS her up over his head and BRINGS her DOWN HARD on an upturned table, IMPALING her on the wooden leg. FROST is still swinging his POOL CUE, when Razor Charlie appears, straight razor in hand. Frost JUMPS off the table to meet the challenge. Razor Charlie SWINGS at him, Frost LEAPS back, SWINGING his pool cue at him. They do this dance, till Frost CRACKS Charlie UPSIDE the HEAD with the pool cue, breaking it in half. Charlie FEELS the HIT. Frost PLUNGES the splintered end of the cue in Razor Charlie's heart. Green blood comes out of his chest, as Charlie screams the vampire's death scream. Seth comes to and finds Santanico standing over him. He tries to rise, but Santanico places her bare foot on his chest, pinning him down to the floor. He tries to move, but the pressure of her foot is equivalent to an engine block placed on his chest. SANTANICO I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me, You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery. SLOW MOTION: A WHISKEY BOTTLE FLIES THROUGH the AIR, sailing end over end. CLOSE-UP SANTANICO looking down at Seth, her face contorts to FEED MODE, when the bottle HITS her SQUARE in the HEAD, SHATTERING. We see that Jacob behind the bar threw it. Santanico, bathed in whiskey and broken glass, is momentarily dazed. She looks down at Seth. Seth sits up, .45 in hand, and fires. Santanico is HIT in the CHEST. The bullet from the gun makes the liquor-soaked robe ignite. Santanico SCREAMS as she GOES UP IN FLAMES. Big Emilio sees Santanico's fiery death. He lets out a cry. BIG EMILIO Noooooo! He turns his hateful gaze on the two humans. Seth and Jacob see Big Emilio zeroing in on them, then they see him move his big frame in their direction. Seth turns to Jacob. SETH We may be in trouble. Big Emilio walks steadily through the bar like Godzilla walks through Tokyo. Tipping over tables, knocking fighting vamps and humans alike on their asses on his way to stamp out Seth and Jacob. A TRUCKER JUMPS in his path to attack him, with a QUICK SWING of his hand the trucker is brushed aside, receiving a broken neck for the effort. Big Emilio never breaks his stride or takes his eyes off Seth and Jacob. Seth and Jacob both grab pieces of wood, holding it like a weapon, but the wood looks puny compared to their opponent. Big Emilio stands in front of them. The two men hold their wood tight. Fangs grow in Big Emilio's mouth that make him look like a huge walking shark. Just when Big Emilio's ready to strike, he hears behind him, VOICE (O.S.) Hey, you, monkey man! Big Emilio turns and sees Sex Machine across the room. SEX MACHINE Anything you gotta say to them, say to me first. Both Seth and Jacob ATTACK Big Emilio from behind. He effortlessly knocks them away. They both hit the ground. Sex Machine gestures with his hand to Big Emilio to "come ahead." Big Emilio CHARGES towards Sex Machine, like a runaway locomotive. Sex Machine stands his ground waiting for IMPACT. The two huge men COLLIDE. What follows is literally a war of the Gargantuans. The two mastiffs POUND each other till one buckles. Finally, the one who buckles first is Big Emilio, who HITS the floor. Once on the floor, Seth and Jacob, stand over the huge vamp, BEATING him with clubs and pipes, like L.A.'s finest. The vamp can do nothing except SQUIRM on the floor from the savage beating. SEX MACHINE That's enough. Jacob and Seth stop. Sex Machine holds a pool cue in his hand. He SNAPS off the end tip, making it jagged, and like a spear, STICKS it into big vamp's fallen body. Big Emilio, SCREAMS, TWITCHES and dies. The pool cue sticks out straight up from the dead vamp. Chet Pussy spies Ms. Apple Pie Pussy herself, Kate. He breaks into a lecherous grin and licks the blood from around his mouth. Kate and Scott are cowering behind the bar when Chet appears over the top. They both let out a scream. Scott goes to protect his sister and receives a punch in the face for his trouble. Chet dives at Kate. CHET You know what everybody says about me? I suck! Chet goes to bite Kate, grabbing at her t-shirt, and sees her crucifix. HE recoils backwards. Scott grabs hold of his head from behind. Kate jumps up from the floor, rips off her cross and grabs Chet by his beatnik beard, opening his mouth. She SHOVES the cross inside. Chet's eyes roll up back into his head. Scott SLAPS Chet hard on the back. GULP. Chet has swallowed the crucifix. A SIZZLING sound is heard moving down from his throat to his belly. He opens his mouth and lets out a noise similar to a train whistle. He jumps up from behind the bar, doing a wild dance from pain. He jumps from wall to wall and floor to ceiling, screaming all the while. Kate and Scott watch him from the bar, mischievous grins on their faces. Chet is on his knees, arms stretched out, yelling at the top of his lungs like a vamp King Lear. CHET I-AM-IN-AGONNNYYYY! Chet breaks off a chair leg, muttering to himself. CHET Stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain... He plunges the stake into his own heart, but instead of the vampire's cry that escapes from the others upon being staked, Chet lets out a sigh of relief. By this time there are not too many people left. Most of the vampire have been killed by wooden stakes and most of the customers have been butchered or drained. All that's left on the vampire side are two naked dancers and two whores. On the human side are Seth, Jacob and his kids, Sex Machine and Frost. Aside from the children, who are hiding behind the bar, all the humans are holding wooden stakes. The four human men group together. The four female vampires charge, teeth exposed, snarling and dripping with blood. Seth, Jacob, Sex Machine and Frost raise their weapons and slam, almost simultaneously, the four vamps. All four staked bodies hit the floor. Kate and Scott run from behind the bar to their father's side. They all stand looking at the horrible carnage that has taken place. The floor is littered with dead bodies. FROST Ain't they supposed to burn up or something? At that moment a bright flash ERUPTS, illuminating everyone's face. The sound of quick burning flames fills the air. Everybody shields their eyes from the intense light, which lasts only a split second. It vanishes, along with the bodies of the vampires. All that remains is a smoldering mess of goo where the bodies once lay. They all stare at the mess for a few seconds and then RUN for the door. It's locked. They BANG on the door, but it's useless. It ain't budging, yet they all go on banging. Except for Seth. He never ran for the door. He walks over to his dead brother's body and kneels beside it. He takes his dead hand. SETH Richie, I'm sorry I fucked things up. You'd really like it in El Ray. We'd find peace there. I love you little brother, I'll miss ya bad. Seth goes to kiss his brother's lips when, RICHARD 'S EYES POP OPEN. They're YELLOW. Seth RAISES his head in surprise. RICHARD I'm glad you feel that way, Seth. I love you, too. Richard GRABS Seth by the front of his shirt and pulls him down to him. Fangs are now exposed. Seth tries to pull away. He SCREAMS for the others to help. Richard PULLS Seth down to striking distance and opens his mouth to take the big bite, when Sex Machine grabs Seth from behind and YANKS him from Richard's grasp. Jacob, Frost and the kids have surrounded Richard and proceed to KICK him and STOMP his head. Sex Machine picks up a chair and SMASHES it against a wall. He picks up one of the chair legs and walks over to where the others are holding Richard down. Richard sees the wood in the biker's hand. He knows what that means. Seth whips out his .45 and points it at Sex Machine. SETH Touch my brother with that stake, biker, and vampires won't need to suck your blood, they'll be able to lick it up off the floor. SEX MACHINE He ain't your brother no more. SETH That's a matter of opinion, and I don't give a fuck about your's. Jacob, Frost and the kids continue to hold Richard down to the ground. JACOB Don't be an idiot, he'll kill us all! Seth aims his gun at the group. SETH Shut up! Richard's giggling. RICHARD Yeah, shut up. Seth, still holding the outstretched gun, takes the stake out of Sex Machine's hand. Seth lowers the .45. SETH Hold him down. The smile evaporates from Richard's face. SETH Richie, here's the peace in death I could never give you in life. Seth puts the stake over Richard's heart. Using the butt of his .45 like a hammer, he POUNDS the stake into Richard's heart. Richard screams and dies. They all stand around the body as it BURSTS INTO FLAMES and disintegrates into goo. Seth breaks away from the group and walks over to the bar. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and starts downing it. Kate, of all people, walks away from the group and joins Seth at the bar. KATE Are you okay? SETH Peachy! Why shouldn't I be? The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory. KATE I'm really sorry. SETH Bullshit! You hate us. If you had half a chance you'd feed us to them! JACOB Then why didn't I? Jacob walks over to Seth. JACOB I saved your life. I didn't have to, but I did. And I'm sorry you lost your brother. I'm sorry he's dead. I'm sorry everybody's dead. Now, if we're gonna get out of this we need each other. And we need you sober and thinking, not drunk and... As Jacob has been talking, a sound has started that has grown LOUDER and LOUDER. Jacob stops in mid-sentence to identify it. JACOB What the hell is that? FROST At first I just thought it was birds. SEX MACHINE No, it's more of a gnawing sound. Birds peck, they don't gnaw. Rats gnaw. Seth puts the bottle in his hand down. SETH It's bats. EXT. TITTY TWISTER - NIGHT The outside of the Titty Twister is literally covered with hats, CLAWING, FLAPPING, GNAWING, trying like hell to get inside. INT. TITTY TWISTER - NIGHT Everybody listens to the bats SCRATCHING and clawing all along the walls, the roof and at the front door. Everyone's scared shitless and nobody has the slightest idea what to do next. The door begins to crack and splinter, little claws poke their way through. JACOB Give me a hand! Jacob runs to a table top. He grabs it and covers the area the bats are trying to claw through. The others grab other items to help secure and barricade the door. As the survivors are panickedly boarding up the door and the windows, a DEAD BIKER that the vampires fed on, pops open his yellow eyes. He sits up and sees all the furious activity. Everyone's so busy they don't notice their new friend. The dead biker vamp sets his sights on Kate, who's putting a board into place. He springs to his feet and POUNCES on her, just as Sex Machine turns from across the room in her direction. SEX MACHINE Watch out, girly! The biker vamp GRABS Kate from behind. She lets out a scream. The vamp holds her close to him in a bear hug, but she's moving around so much he can't get a clear bite. The others hear the scream and look toward Kate. Sex Machine, Big Emilio's baseball bat in hand, is halfway to the rescue. As the biker vamp opens his mouth to take a juicy bite out of Kate's shoulder, Kate RAMS her head back, hitting the vamp in the mouth and breaking his fangs. He releases her and spits out his teeth just as Sex Machine runs up and SWINGS the baseball bat upside the vamp's head, breaking the bat in two and sending the vamp to the floor. As the vamp lies on the floor seeing stars, Sex Machine grabs one of the broken ends of the bat and SHOVES it in the vamp's heart. He dies and bursts into flames. At that point, three other dead victims rise to a sitting position. Sex Machine grabs a chair and THROWS it to the ground, breaking it. He grabs the four legs. SEX MACHINE (mumbling to himself) Goddamn fuckin' vampires. The biker has turned into Captain Sex Machine, Vampire Hunter. He stakes two of the vampires as they get to their feet. Both SPEW green blood, scream, die and burst into flames. The third, a trucker vampire wearing a cat cap, SMACKS Sex Machine in the mouth, which sends the biker for a loop. As CAT CAP runs toward the fallen Sex Machine, Kate JUMPS on his back from behind. Both of them go tumbling into a stack of whiskey cases. Sex Machine runs over and grabs Kate by the hand, pulling her up and out of the way. Cat Cap is lying in a pile of broken bottles and whiskey. Sex Machine raises his stake as Cat Cap dies and DRIVES it in the vamp's black heart. Cat Cap dies and bursts into flames, which hits the whiskey, starting a giant fire. SEX MACHINE Fire! Frost and Jacob stop barricading and run to the fire. FROST (to Sex Machine) We'll put this out. You stake the rest of these fuckers. SEX MACHINE Way ahead of ya. (to Kate) What's your name, girly? KATE Kate, what's yours? SEX MACHINE Sex Machine. Pleased to meet'cha. Kate, let's stake these blood-sucker fuckers. Kate and Sex Machine give each other a high five and go to work STAKING the dead bodies. Jacob and FROST beat down the fire with their jackets and whatever else is at hand. A hole begins to appear where a window had been plastered over. Little claws scrape their way through. Scott stands in front of the window. SCOTT (yelling) We got a problem! Seth, who is barricading doors and window, looks in Scott's direction. The hole in the plaster cracks open and out POPS a little, fleshy vampire bat/rat head. The bat/rat, which is SQUEAKING and HISSING its head off, tries to SQUEEZE its body through the newly formed hole. Seth, gun in hand, RUNS to the window. He points the .45, point-blank range at the head of the bat/rat. The bat/rat sees this, makes an "oh shit" face, and YANKS his head back through the hole. Seth was ready to fire, he lowers his gun in bewilderment, when... WHAM ! The bat/rat BURSTS through the hole, like shot out of a cannon, HITTING Seth in the gut and sending him FLYING, LANDING HARD on his back. Once Seth hits the ground, the bat-thing (which has the body of a fat rat with a bat's large wingspan) lickity-split RUNS UP Seth's body to his juggler. Seth's hand GRABS the bat's neck, and tries to PUSH it away. But the bat-thing has its CLAWS DUG in Seth's clothes. The bat-thing is just inches from Seth's face. Its mouth is SNAPPING. SETH Get this bastard off of me! Frost leaves Jacob with the fire, comes from behind and GRABS the bat-thing and YANKS it off of Seth. Sex Machine and Kate are a green, bloody mess from their preventative staking of dead bodies. Sex Machine kneels by a dead body, raising the stake in his hand to spear him. The body SPRINGS UP and bites Sex Machine on the arm. Red blood squirts all over. Sex Machine screams, then brings the stake down in the body's chest. It dies, burns and turns into goo. Sex Machine holds his bit arm and wraps it with a piece of his shirt. He quickly looks around to see if anybody saw him get bit. Nobody saw it, everybody was too busy. Frost holds the FLAPPING, FIGHTING, SNAPPING bat-thing in front of him at arm's length. He struggles with it for a while, then... BASHES its head against the bar. The first bash takes some fight out of the little fucker, so... Frost BASHES his head against the bar six or seven times. He then THROWS the bat-thing on the bar, turns it over, garbs a pencil in a cup next to the register, and RAMS it in the bat-thing's heart. The bat-thing coughs and dies. There's a FLASH of FLAMES, followed by a pile of goo. Sex Machine and Kate have covered up a hole in the plastered window with a table while Frost, Scott and Seth wrestle with the bat-thing. Jacob has put out the fire. Everybody comes together, exhausted, and takes a breather. Outside, the bats continue to try and claw their way in. JACOB Is everybody okay? Everyone mutters "yeah." JACOB Okay, does anybody here know what's going on? SETH Yeah, I know what's going on. We got a bunch of fuckin' vampires outside trying to get inside and suck our fuckin' blood! That's it, plain and simple. And I don't wanna hear any bullshit about "I don't believe in vampires" because I don't fuckin' believe in vampires either. But I do believe in my own two fuckin' eyes, and with my two eyes I saw fuckin' vampires! Now, does everybody agree we're dealin' with vampires. Everybody agrees. SETH You too, preacher? JACOB I'm like you. I don't believe in vampires, but I believe in what I saw. SETH Good for you. Now, since we all believe we're dealing with vampires, what do we know about vampires? Crosses hurt vampires. Do you have a cross? JACOB In the Winnebago. SETH In other words, no. SCOTT What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross. SEX MACHINE He's right. Peter Cushing does that all the time. SETH I don't know about that. In order for it to have any power, I think it's gotta be an official crucifix. JACOB What's an official cross? Some piece of tin made in Taiwan? What makes that official? If a cross works against vampires, it's not the cross itself, it's what the cross represents. The cross is a symbol of holiness. SETH Okay, I'll buy that. So we got crosses covered, moving right along, what else? FROST Wooden stakes in the heart been workin' pretty good so far. SEX MACHINE Garlic, holy water, sunlight... I forget, does silver do anything to a vampire? SCOTT That's werewolves. SEX MACHINE I know silver bullets are werewolves. But I'm pretty sure silver has some sort of effect on vampires. KATE Does anybody have any silver? ALL No. KATE Then who cares? SCOTT When's sunrise? Jacob looks at his watch. JACOB About two hours from now. KATE So all we have to do is get by for a few more hours and then we can walk right out the front door. SEX MACHINE Yeah, that's true, but I doubt our barricades, that door, those plastered windows and these walls will last two more hours with those bat fucks fuckin' with 'em. JACOB Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book. SEX MACHINE You mean like a Time-Life book? Everybody laughs. FROST (in a cowboy voice) John Wesley Hardin, so mean he once shot a man for snorin'. JACOB I take it the answer's no. Okay then, what do we know about these vampires? SETH Aside from they're thirsty. FROST Well, one thing, they might got super human strength, but you can hurt 'em. JACOB Yeah, that bottle upside the head of Santanico didn't kill her, but it didn't feel too good either. SEX MACHINE Another thing, you try and ram a broken chair leg in a human, you better be one strong son-of-a-bitch. The human body is one rough-tough machine. But these vamps got soft bodies. The texture of their skin is softer, mushier. You can push shit right through 'em. Conceivably, if you hit one hard enough, you could take their fuckin' head off. SCOTT You could take their head off. SETH Actually, our best weapon against these satanic cocksuckers is this man. (he points at Jacob) He's a preacher. Frost and Sex Machine look toward Jacob. SETH As far as God's concerned, we might just as well be a piece of fuckin' shit. But he's one of the boys. Only one problem, his faith ain't what it used to be. Jacob PUNCHES Seth in the mouth, sending him to the floor. Jacob stands over him. JACOB I've had enough of your taunts. Seth looks up from the floor. SETH I'm not taunting you. We need you. A faithless preacher doesn't mean shit to us. But a man who's a servant of God can grab a cross, shove it in these monsters' asses. A servant of God can bless the tap water and turn it into a weapon. Seth rises. SETH I know why you lost your faith. How could true holiness exist if your wife can be taken away from you and your children? Now, I always said God can kiss my fuckin' ass. Well, I changed my lifetime tune about thirty minutes ago' cause I know, without a doubt, what's out there trying to get in here is pure evil straight from hell. And if there is a hell, and those monsters are from it, there's got to be a heaven. Now which are you, a faithless preacher or a mean, mother fuckin' servant of God? Jacob has to laugh at that. So does everybody else. Jacob sticks out his hand and shakes Seth's. JACOB I'm a mean, mother fucking servant of God. The laughter and good humor passes quickly and the only sound to be heard is that of the bats gnawing and clawing. It immediately reminds the group of the deep, deep shit they're in. KATE I don't know if I can take two hours of that noise. FROST You can. You'll take it 'cause ya got no choice. How'd ya like twenty four hours of it, lying in a muddy ditch with only the rotting corpses of your friends to keep you company? JACOB What are you talking about? FROST Back in '72 I was in Nam, trapped behind enemy lines, lying in a rat hole with my entire squad dead. They thought they killed everybody, and except for me, they were right. But it wasn't for lack of trying. A grenade blew up right next to me, that's why I'm so pretty. They thought I was dead, so I played dead. They dumped all the bodies in a ditch. All I could do was lie there playing possum. Dead bodies under me, dead bodies on top of me, listening to the enemy laugh and joke hour after hour after hour... As Frost goes into his monologue, the sound fades out and the camera moves to Sex Machine. He's having a hot flash. He can't hear anything. He's looking at Frost speaking, but he doesn't hear any sound. Then he hears a deep, MALE VOICE say: MALE VOICE (V.O.) Thirst. "Who the fuck was that?" he thinks to himself. He turns around: nobody's there. No one else in the group seems to hear it, A FEMALE VOICE seductively says: FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) Thirst. We hear Sex Machine's thought in a voice answer. SEX MACHINE (V.O.) Stop fucking saying that! TWO MALE VOICES (V.O.) Thirst! SEX MACHINE (V.O.) That bite weren't nothin'. It just hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, that's all. It barely punched the skin. Sex Machine looks at Frost, who's acting out his story. The biker is pantomiming fighting and slashing. He's describing all the while, but we can't hear anything. All we hear are many voices, male, female, children saying: VOICES (V.O.) Thirst... Thirst... Thirst... Sex Machine begins looking at the other members of the group in a thirsty way. He stares at each of their necks, closer and closer until he can see the veins on Frost's neck actually pulsating, throbbing, beckoning to him. Sex Machine has turned into a vampire. The sound comes back as Frost finishes his story. FROST ...and then when I came back to my senses, I realized I had killed the entire V.C. squadron single handedly. My bayonet had blood and chunks of yellow flesh on it like some cannibal shish kabob. And to this day I don't have the slightest idea how I -- Sex Machine lets out a hideous cry. SEX MACHINE THIRST! Frost SCREAMS as Sex Machine grabs hold of him and BITES into his neck. The group tries to PULL the TWO men apart. Jacob gets his arm around Sex Machine's neck and tries pulling. Sex Machine takes his teeth out of the biker's neck and SINKS them in Jacob's arm. Jacob SCREAMS and lets go. Seth, Kate and Scott react to Jacob being bit. Sex Machine GRABS Jacob and TOSSES him effortlessly over the bar, CRASHING into a shelf full of liquor bottles. Frost HOPS around the room, mad as a hornet, holding his bleeding neck. FROST I been bit! He fuckin' bit me! Sex Machine PUNCHES Seth in the face, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. He smacks the shit out of Kate. She goes FLYING into a table. Sex Machine turns, seeing Frost breaking off a big table leg. Frost looks at the big vamp. FROST (to Sex Machine) You're dead, mother fucker! You're gonna bite me! You just turned me into a vampire, asshole! SEX MACHINE What are you gonna do about it? Frost, table leg in hand, RUNS, SCREAMING his head off, straight at Sex Machine. Sex Machine's nostrils flare. He raises his meaty fist and pulls it back, so he can really haul off. Frost, top speed, stake raised, screaming. Sex Machine lets loose with his punch, Seth, Scott and Kate look up from the floor. Jacob rises from behind the bar. Frost's face COLLIDES with Sex Machine's fist. Sex Machine hits Frost so hard it lifts the biker off the ground and propels him through the air. Seth sees where Frost is heading and says: SETH Oh shit! Jacob sees. JACOB Good lord! Frost, in mid-air, HITS the barricaded, plastered overwindow and CRASHES through it. Sex Machine lets loose with a maniacal laugh. Hundreds of bat-things fly into the bar. Seth grabs the two kids by the hand and runs for the backroom. Behind the bar, Jacob grabs two pieces of wood from off the ground. Ten bat-things are in hot pursuit of Seth, Kate and Scott, who are RUNNING for their lives. They get to the door of the back room, whip it open, dive in and SLAM it behind them. An ugly, fleshy bat-thing manges to get its head caught in the door as it closes. Kate and Scott PUSH on the door as hard as they can. The bat-thing's head, which is inside, screams, howls and snaps in fury. Seth turns toward the bat/vamp in the door. He sticks his .45 in its big mouth. SETH You wanna suck something, suck on this! He FIRES four shots that blow the bat vamp's head all over the wall. Kate yells: KATE We have to go back for Daddy! SETH Daddy's dead. KATE Noooo! She spins and grabs the door knob, ready to fling the door and help her father. Scott grabs her and pushes her up against the wall. SCOTT He's right, Kate. Daddy's dead! He was too far away. If flinging that door and filling this room with those bat-things would save him, I'd fling it. The only thing it'll do is turn us into one of them. SETH He needs our help! SCOTT He's beyond our help. You saw him get bit. I saw him get bit. We all saw it. You can't help him. I've got no one left to lose but you. I can't be alone again. We're sticking together. Just then they hear Jacob's voice BOOMING from the bar room. INT. BAR ROOM - NIGHT Jacob, holding a cross made out of two sticks and reciting appropriate verse from the bible, is keeping the vampires at bay. But, as Seth predicted, it is the shining power of his restored faith that is his mightiest weapon. Jacob is making his way through the vampires, toward the back door. A lot of the bats have transformed into bat/devil/human creatures. The creatures stand at the edge of Jacob's force field of holiness. Many bat things fly around the bar like mad, whirling dervishes. A cluster of bat-things over above and in front of Jacob. They all growl and hiss at the man of god. For every one step forward Jacob takes, the vampire stake one step back. Jacob recites the verse from the bible in a threatening, mean, mother fucking, servant of god tone. As he speaks with authority and strength, he sees Frost lying on the ground, bat-things on him like ants on a candy bar. But Jacob is too much in control to let even this repugnant sight trip him up. Jacob has backed himself up by the door. JACOB Open the door. The door FLIES open. Jacob jumps inside. The door SLAMS shut. Jacob hugs daughter and son. As he hugs them, we see his bloody arm. When he releases them, they can't help but notice. SETH Did he...? JACOB Yep. Seth explodes, knocking over boxes, busting chairs, tipping over tables and cussing a blue streak. SETH Fuck, piss, shit! Mother fuckin' vampires! Mother fuckin' vampires! Goddamn mother fuckin' vampires! Seth runs over to the barricaded door and yells to the creatures on the other side. SETH You all are gonna fuckin' die! I'm gonna fuckin' kill every last one of you godless pieces of shit! JACOB (to Seth) You bet your sweet ass you are, and I'm gonna help you do it. But we ain't got much time. Kate is crying, she knows what's happened to her father. KATE You're gonna be okay, aren't you, daddy? JACOB No, I'm not. I've been bit. In effect, I'm already dead. Scott and Kate, crying, grab their father and hold on for dear life. Jacob wants to cry, but if he breaks down, the kids will never have the courage for what they must do. JACOB (to his children) Children, listen to me. I love you two more than anybody. And I just want you to know you've made me proud all your lives. But never more so than tonight. And I wish we could sit here and cry till I pass on, but we can't. Because I'm not going to pass on. I'm going to turn into a monster. And when I do, I'm going to be dangerous. But before that happens, just know I love you. (to Seth and the kids) Now, I'd say in the next twenty or thirty minutes our friends outside will bust in this door. And I'll probably turn into a vampire within the hour. Now, you have two choices. You can wait for me to turn, then deal with me, then wait for them to burst inside here and the three of you will deal with them. Or, we can kick open that door and the four of us can hit 'em with everything we have, and carve a path right through 'em to front entrance. But if we're gonna go at 'em, we gotta go at 'em now. I confused them, I scared them, I took them off guard. But they're going to get unconfused, they're going to get unscared, they're going to get together and they're going to hit that door like a ton of bricks. And when that moment arrives, we gotta be ready. Jacob sees that the back room is pretty damn big and filled with boxes and crates. JACOB What's this stuff? SETH My guess is that this little dive's been feeding on nomad road waifs like bikers and truckers for a longtime. This is probably some of the shipments they stole off the trucks. JACOB Well, I say lets tear this place apart for weapons. So when they burst through that door, we'll make 'em wish they never did. SETH I don't give a shit about living or dying anymore. I just want to send as many of these devils back to hell as I can. JACOB Amen. MONTAGE The survivors are opening boxes and prying open crates. A lot of what they find is bullshit. Pantyhose, coffee, teddy bears, etc. But a few of the boxes are just what the doctor ordered. Cases from a sporting good supplier yield a shipment of baseball bats. Meant to arrive at toy stores are a shipment of Uzi replica squirt guns and a box of balloons. And captured en route to a hardware store are shipments of power tools, saws and jack hammers. Seth and Scott saw the bats into wooden stakes. Kate fills the Uzi squirt guns with tap water from the backroom sink. Jacob, with Seth's knife, etches a cross into every bullet in the .45 automatic's last full clip of ammo. Vampires all start converging on the back room door, getting their courage back. Kate makes water balloons. Scott sharpens the stakes to a point with the tools. Seth attaches a wooden stake to the end of a jackhammer. Jacob blesses the water in the squirt guns and balloons, turning it into holy water. Our heroes work together, preparing for the battle to come. The back room door, barricaded with crates and boxes, begins to be pounded on by the undead on the other side. The room tone is a combination of chewing, scratching, pounding, squeaking and screaming. Finally they're ready. Jacob turns to his kids. JACOB Before we go any further, I need you three to promise me something. I'll fight with you to the bitter end, but when I turn into one of them, I won't be Jacob anymore. I'll be a lap dog of Satan. I want you three to promise you'll take me down, no different from the rest. The kids can't say the words. SETH I promise. JACOB Kate, Scott? KATE I promise. JACOB Scott? SCOTT Yeah, I promise. Jacob doesn't believe them. JACOB Why don't I believe you? (he picks up the .45) I'm gonna ask you two again, then I want you to swear to God that you'll kill me. If you don't, I'm gonna just kill myself right now. Now, since you need me I think you better swear. Kate, do you swear to God that when I turn into one of the undead, you'll kill me? Kate doesn't answer. Jacob places the .45 barrel against his temple. JACOB Kate, we don't have all day, so I'm only gonna count to five. One...two... three... four... KATE Okay, okay, I promise I'll do it! JACOB Not good enough, swear to God. KATE I swear to God, our father, that when you change into one of the undead, I will kill you. JACOB Good girl. Now, Scott, we have even less time, so I'm only giving you the count of three. One... SCOTT You don't believe in suicide. JACOB It's not suicide if you're already dead. Two... SCOTT Okay, I'll kill you when you change, I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name. JACOB Thank you, son. SETH Okay, vampire killers, let's kill some fuckin' vampires. INT. BARROOM - NIGHT The vampires, bat-things and what have you, start BREAKING down the door. They are in a mad frenzy. They burst through the door. Waiting for them are Scott and Kate holding Uzi squirt guns and water balloons draped down their chests on a belt like grenades. Jacob is holding a cross made of sharp wooden stakes and the .45 with the cross bullets. Seth is holding the jackhammer. The survivors walk out of the back room into the bar. The vamps back up, letting them inside. What we have here is a Mexican standoff, a la "The Wild Bunch." A moment of peace before the battle. The vamps just watch the humans. The humans just watch the vamps. Then, like the bull in the china shop, Seth ends the peace by starting up the jackhammer. SETH Kill 'em all! Jacob holds up the cross, the vamps react. The kids SPRAY the crowd with UZI fire, burning vampire flesh. The pack of vamps retreat while the Fuller squad walk forward. They are attacked on all sides, but they keep moving towards the door. Seth slams the stakes into several of the vamps, it speeds in and out of vampire chests, each time spraying him in green vamp blood. Jacob shoves his cross stake into a vampire with one hand and SHOOTS three vampires with blessed bullets with the other. Flame BURSTS from the vampires' chests when the bullets hit. Kate and Scott both whip water balloons off their belts and toss them into the crowd. They burst and FRY several of the vamps, who fall, screaming in pain. From its perch on a wood ceiling beam, a bat-thing drops and HURLS toward the group. Jacob sees it, raises his gun and FIRES. The bat-thing bursts into a ball of screaming fire. Seth continues carving a path to the front door by slamming the hammer stake into vampire chests. The front door is barricaded again by a big table and other junk. SCOTT (yelling) Why did they block the door again? JACOB (yelling) To keep the daylight out! This is where they sleep! Get to the door! Seth tries to get to the front door, when Sex Machine, now a half bat, half devil vamp, about six foot seven, drops from above in front of him. Seth RAMS the stake in its chest. The Sex Machine-thing screams out, LIFTING the hammer and Seth off the ground. Seth is thrown from his hold on the hammer across the room, he CRASHES into a table. The Sex Machine-thing falls back with the jackhammer sticking out of his chest, dead. Kate, spraying Uzi fire like Rambo, sees Seth fall. She screams: KATE Seth! Seth quickly gets up to find himself surrounded by vampires on all sides. With no weapons, he puts up on dukes. SETH Okay, dead boys, come on! Take a bite and feel all right! Kate clusters with her father and Scott. KATE (yelling) I'm going for 'em! JACOB No! KATE Everybody goes home! Kate turns into a squirt gun firing, water-balloon throwing, one-woman army, as she breaks from her father and heads in Seth's direction. KATE (screaming) Die, monster, die! Die, monster, die! Kate mows down the group by Seth, they lie on the floor, burning in agony. Kate takes Seth's hand and gives him a couple of water balloons and a stake. KATE (to Seth) Watch my back! SETH Anytime. Cutting through vampires, the two make their way across the bar. Jacob, firing the .45, takes out several more vampires in fiery death. Scott fires the Uzi and chucks more water balloons. As Jacob fights, all of a sudden the sound goes out. He can't hear anything. He wonders if he's gone deaf. He starts to hear the words: "Thirst, thirst, thirst." He notices the vampires have stopped attacking him. They look at him wit happy smiles on their devilish faces. Fangs begin to grow. His eyes are yellow. Scott turns to his dad. He sees his father is a monster. Jacob, with a devilish grin on his face, GRABS Scott and sinks his teeth into Scott's forearm. Scott screams bloody murder as his dad begins to drain him of blood. Scott takes one of the water balloons he's wearing and SMASHES it against Jacob's head. The holy water melts half of Jacob's face away. He lets go of Scott, screaming, and drops the .45 on the floor. Scott drops to the ground, picking up the gun. He brings it up to fire. A totally evil Jacob, with only half a face, matches stares with the boy he once called his son. Scott's eyes turn to steel. SCOTT I swear to God, in Jesus Christ's name. He FIRES, sending a holy bullet into Jacob's forehead, creating a hole from which fire shoots out. Jacob's entire head bursts into flames, then explodes. From across the room, Fate sees her daddy ignite. She cries out. In the thick of the battle, Seth yells: SETH Fight now, cry later. Kate takes his advice and hits a vamp square in the face with a holy water balloon, which melts his head. A bat-thing lands on the back of Scott's neck. He screams as it bites into him. He drops the .45. Kate sees Scott get bit. KATE Oh my god. Another bat-thing lands on Scott's arm and takes a bite. Scott screams. KATE You bastards! She goes to spray them when her Uzi runs out of water. Now seven bat-things are on Scott biting and sucking blood. Scott is in agony. SCOTT Kill me, Kate! Kate runs for her brother, does a DIVE and a ROLL, coming up by the .45, SNATCHING it in one motion and FIRING three times. One... two... three bat-things are hit, shoot flames, then all of them EXPLODE, BLOWING UP Scott. The remaining vamps approach. All the humans have left is a few bullets and one holy balloon. SETH How many bullets left, kid? KATE Not many. SETH Well, when you run out of weapons, just start cold cocking 'em. Make 'em sing for their supper. The two survivors are backed up against a wall. Two bat things do a Kamikaze dive from the air toward Seth. Seth throws the holy balloon at them. Direct hit. The two bat-things burst into flames and spiral to the floor. The two survivors look at the vampires, who stand before them. A moment of stillness before the attack. Kate stands holding the .45, arm outstretched. KATE (to Seth) Should I use the last bullets on us? SETH You use 'em on the first couple of these parasites that try to bite you. The vamps begins to close in. Kate lines up the .45 sights on the face of an approaching vampire. Seth holds the Uzi like a club, ready to bash in the first vampire's head that gets in swinging distance. Beams of sunlight shoot through the holes that Kate shot through the wall. Approaching vampires burn. The scorched vamps scream like they've never screamed before. SETH Shoot more holes! Kate turns away from the vamps and shoots holes in the wall behind him, Daylight comes through, providing Kate and Seth with a safe, lighted area. The .45's empty. The vamps hiss and scream at the frustration of not being able to get at them. The two survivors hold hands, when... All of a sudden the door to the Titty Twister is pounded on from the outside. The vamps look towards it in horror. From the other side of the door, we hear a voice with a Spanish accent. VOICE (O.S.) (in Spanish) I'm looking for my friend. Is Seth in there? SETH (yelling) Carlos! (in Spanish) Help us, bash the door. Bash the door in! CARLOS (O.S.) (in Spanish) Danny, Manny, knock down the door. Hurry, hurry! The vamps are totally fucking freaked out! They run and fly around the bar in a panic. Crying, howling, grabbing onto each other. The front door is TORN apart from shotgun fir coming from the outside, punching holes the size of basketballs in the door. The table in front of the door gives and FALLS forward. The door caves in and sunlight invades the bar. Many vamps are instantly fried, bursting into flames. The Mexican gangster CARLSO and his two henchmen, DANNY and MANNY, are horrified at what they see. They cross themselves in fright. Vampires search for dark corners, but all is lost. Sunlight hits a mirrored ball attached to the ceiling, sending hundreds of beams of sunlight scattering through the room. Vamps try and dodge the beams. No dice. All around the vamps combust in fiery explosions. The Titty Twister is now on fire, burning out of control. Seth and Kate run through the building and leap through the door into the parking lot. EXT. TITTY TWISTER PARKING LOT - MORNING Carlos, Danny and Manny help them to their feet and walk them away from the blazing bar. They catch their breath by Carlos's Mercedes. CARLOS (to Seth) What the fuck was going on in there? Seth signals Carlos to wait a minute while he catches his breath. Then he hauls off and PUNCHES Carlos square in the kisser. Danny and Manny aim their shotguns at Seth. CARLOS (in Spanish) Whatsamatter with you? Are you crazy? SETH Why the fuck, outta all the god forsaken shit holes in Mexico, did you have us rendezvous at that place? CARLOS I don't know, one place's as good as another. SETH Have you ever been there before? CARLOS No, but I passed by it a couple of times. It's out in the middle of nowhere. It seems like a rowdy place, so there wouldn't be a lot of police. And it's open from dusk till dawn. You said meet you in the morning. SETH Well, because you picked that place out of a hat, my brother's dead now. And this girl's family's dead. Carlos stands up again. CARLOS I'm sorry to hear that. What were they, psychos? SETH Did they look like psychos? They were fuckin' vampires. Psychos don't explode when sunlight hits 'em, I don't care how crazy they are. Danny and Manny react to the vampire news by crossing themselves again. CARLOS Oh, Seth, how can I ever make it up to you? SETH You can't, but fifteen percent instead of thirty for my stay at El Ray is a good start. CARLOS Twenty-eight. SETH Jesus Christ, Carlos, my brother's dead and he's not coming back, and it's all your fault. Twenty. They look at each other, then shake hands, saying in unison. SETH AND CARLOS (in Spanish) Twenty-five. Seth gets the suitcase and gives Carlos 25%. Seth walks over to a red 1990 Porsche 911. CARLOS You like the car? SETH I said new, this is an '90. CARLOS It's hardly been used at all. I got it from a drug dealer who only drove it 5 times in as many years. Swear to God. That's like new. SETH So do I just follow you? CARLOS Yeah, follow us. SETH So let's do it. CARLOS (to Danny and Manny) Vamanos! Carlos, Danny and Manny pile into Carlo's white Mercedes. Seth by his Porsche, looks back at Kate. Kate stands alone. The whole desert seems between them. So much to say ... but no words. SETH I'm sorry. KATE Me too. Long pause. SETH See ya. KATE Later. Seth turns his back on her. Just as he opens the door, Kate says behind him: KATE (O.S.) Seth. Seth turns around. KATE You want some company? Seth smiles. SETH Kate honey, I may be a bastard. But I'm not a fuckin' bastard. He blows her a kiss across the desert. She blows one back. Seth's in his car and GONE. Kate turns around, faces endless desert before her, and begins her long walk home. THEME OF MOVIE BEGINS POUNDING THE ENDFROM DUSK TILL DAWN Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino Story by Robert Kurtzman Directed by Robert Rodriguez This script was transcribed, proof read and formatted by ueli riegg email: [email protected]; url: http://studiour.tsx.org Cast List: Quentin Tarantino Richard Gecko George Clooney Seth Gecko Brenda Hillhouse Hostage Gloria Harvey Keitel Jacob Juliette Lewis Kate Ernest Liu Scott Cheech Marin Border Guard, Chet Pussy, Carlos Selma Hayek Santanico Pandemonium Danny Trejo Razor Charlie Ernest Garcia Big Emilio Tom Savini Sex Machine Fred Williamson Frost "I earnestly wish an end would come to this bloody race I am forced to run." Countess in: "La Comtesse Noire" by Jess Franco FADE IN: EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY A convenience store in a Texas Suburb. No other businesses surround it. CLOSE-UP: A light switch is flipped on. The sign on top of the store lights up. It reads: BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR. TITLE CARD: BIG SPRING, TEXAS 109 MILES WEST OF ABILENE 345 MILES EAST OF THE MEXICAN BORDER A Texas Ranger patrol car pulls into the parking lot and a real live Texas Ranger, EARL MCGRAW, steps out. McGraw is in full ranger uniform - button shirt, cowboy hat, boots, mirrored shades, tin star and a colt revolver on his hip. It's about an hour and a half before sundown and McGraw is off duty for the day. The only other car in the parking lot is a 1975 Plymouth INT. BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR - DAY A young Hawaiian Shirt wearing man named PETE sits on a stool behind the counter. A few CLOSE-UP:STOMERS fiddle about. A MAN wearing a black suit, black tie, and wire rim glasses holds hands with a PRETTY BLONDE GIRL in cutoffs and bare feet. They look through magazines. Another black suit wearing MAN holds hands with a RED-HEADED GIRL in a prep school uniform. They look through the beer cooler in the back of the store. Both girls are around seventeen. MCGRAW enters the store. MCGRAW Hot goddamn day! PETE Haven't felt it a bit. Been inside with the air conditioner blastin' all day long. MCGRAW Not even for lunch? PETE I'm by myself today, ate my lunch outta the microwave. McGraw walks over to the beer cooler, as if done ritually every night (it is), takes out a beer, pops it open and joins Pete by the front counter. MCGRAW Jesus Christ man, that microwave food will kill ya as quick as a bullet. Those burritos are only fit for a hippie high on weed. Pull me down a bottle of Jack Daniels. I'm gettin' tanked tonight. PETE Whatsamatter? MCGRAW (sighs) Awww, it's just been a shitass day. Every inch of it hot and miserable. First off, Nadine at the Blue Chip got some sorta sick, so that Mongoloid boy of hers was workin' the grill. That fuckin' idiot don't know rat shit from Rice Krispies. I ate breakfast at nine, was pukin' up pigs in a blanket like a sick dog by ten thirty. PETE Isn't there a law or something against retards serving food to the public? MCGRAW Well, if there ain't there sure oughta be. Who knows what goes on inside Mongoloid's mind? PETE You could sue the shit out of her, ya know. That kid belongs under a circus tent, not flippin' burgers. You could own that fuckin' place. MCGRAW What the hell would I do with that grease pit? Besides, Nadine's got enough of a cross to bear just taking care of that potato head. Then all this Abilene shit happened. You heard about that bank robbery in Abilene, didn't ya? PETE That's all that's been on the box all day. They killed some people didn't they? MCGRAW Four Rangers, three cops, and two civilians. And they took a lady bank teller as a hostage. Pete doesn't say anything. MCGRAW They'll probably make a run for the border, which would bring 'em this way. And if we get our hands on those shit asses, we're talking payback time. We'll get 'em all right. I gotta piss. I'm gonna use your commode. PETE Knock yourself out. McGraw drops his last drip of beer, crushes the can and exits in the bathroom. The black suited man by the beer cooler turns around and, with the prep school girl in tow, walks rapidly toward Pete. We see that the girl is crying. BLACK SUITED MAN #1 (to Pete) Do you think I'm fuckin' playing with you, asshole? (points to the tearful prep school girl) Do you want this little girl to die? (pointing to the blonde with the other guy) Or that little girl? Or your bosombuddy with the badge? Or yourself? I don't wanna do it, but I'll turn this fuckin' store into the Wild Bunch if I even think you're fuckin' with me. The two men in black suits are the notorious Abilene bank robbers, SETH and RICHARD GECKO, "The Gecko Brothers." And the other customers are all being held hostage. Seth is the one with the prep girl. Richard is the one with the blonde. Everybody speaks low and fast. PETE What do you want from me? I did what you said. SETH Letting him use your toilet? No store does that. PETE He comes in here every day and we bullshit. He's used my toilet a thousand times. If I told him no, he'd know something was up. SETH I want that son-of-a-bitch out outta here, in his car, and down the road or you can change the name of this place to "Benny's World of Blood." Richard, holding tightly the hand of the terrified girl, leans next to Seth's ear and whispers something. Seth looks at Pete. SETH Were you giving that pig signals? PETE What? Are you kidding? I didn't do anything! Richard whispers something else in Seth's ear. SETH He says you were scratching. PETE I wasn't scratching! SETH You callin' him a liar? Pete controls himself. PETE I'm not calling him a liar, okay? I'm simply saying that if I was scratching, and if I did scratch, it's not because I was signaling the cop, it's because I'm fuckin' scared shitless. Richard speaks for the first time in a low calm voice to Seth. RICHARD The Ranger's taking a piss. Why don't I just go in there, blow his head off and get outta here. PETE Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural -- in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting. You asked me to get rid of him, I'm doing my best. SETH Yeah, well, your best better get a helluva lot fuckin' better, or you're gonna feel a helluva fuckin' lot worse. The toilet FLUSHES. SETH Everybody be cool. Everybody goes back to what they were doing. McGraw steps back out of the back. He appears to be unaware of the situation. MCGRAW Yeah, and I'm gonna be right back at it tomorrow. So tonight I'm gonna sit in front of the box and just drink booze. How much is the bottle? PETE Six-fifty. Out of nowhere Richard WHIPS out his forty-five automatic and SHOOTS McGraw in the head. McGraw goes down screaming. Richard stands over him and SHOOTS him twice more. Seth charges forward. SETH (to Richard) What the fuck was that about? RICHARD (in a low monotone) He signaled the Ranger. PETE (hysterical) I didn't. (to Seth) You gotta believe me, I didn't. RICHARD (to Seth) When they were talkin', he mouthed the words "Help Us." PETE You fuckin' liar, I didn't say shit! Richard SHOOTS Pete and Pete falls down behind the counter. Seth grabs Richard and throws him up against the wall. SETH What the fuck is wrong with you -- RICHARD Seth, he did it. You were by the beer cooler with your back turned. I was by the magazines, I could see his face. And I saw him mouth: Richard mouths the words, "Help Us." While Pete lies on the floor behind the counter bleeding from his bullet wound, he opens his floor safe and pulls out a gun from it. Seth releases his brother. SETH Start the car. RICHARD You believe me don't cha? SETH Shut up and start the car. Richard walks away from Seth and crosses the counter... ...when Pete SPRINGS up, gun in hand, and SHOOTS Richard in the hand. Richard FALLS to his knees, howling. Both Pete and Seth SPRAY the store with gunfire. Seth DIVES down an aisle. He reloads. Pete DUCKS behind the counter. He reloads. Richard has crawled to safety behind an aisle. The two girls have run out screaming. SETH (yelling) Richie? You okay? RICHARD (yelling) I'm not dead, but I'm definitely shot! I told you that bastard said, "Help us!" PETE (yelling) I never said help us! SETH (yelling) Well that don't matter now, 'cause you got about two fuckin' seconds to live! Richie! RICHARD (yelling) Yeah? SETH (yelling) When I count three, shoot out the bottles behind him! RICHARD Gotcha! SETH One... Two... Three. The two brothers start FIRING toward the counter. They HIT the bottles of alcohol on the shelf behind Pete. Pete is crouched on the ground as glass, debris and alcohol RAIN down on him. Seth grabs a roll of paper towels from off a shelf. Richard keeps FIRING. Seth douses the paper towels with lighter fluid, sets it on fire with his Zippo, then tosses it. The flaming roll of paper towels FLIES through the air. The fireball lands behind the counter. The entire counter area immediately BURSTS INTO FLAMES. Pete screams from behind the counter. Seth smiles to himself and stands. Richard shakes his head in amusement and stands. Pete runs out from behind the counter, ENGULFED IN FLAMES still holding his weapon and FIRING. Seth and Richard hit the ground FIRING their .45's. Pete, the human torch, FALLS like a tree into the Hostess Pastry display. Seth and Richard rise from the rubble. EXT. BENNY'S WORLD OF LIQUOR - DAY They exit the store squabbling. The store is bursting into flames. SETH What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Buy the road map and leave. RICHARD What am I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us. SETH He didn't recognize shit. Both Seth and Richard stand on opposite sides of the car. RICHARD Seth, I'm telling you, the way he looked at us -- you especially -- I knew he knew. They both climb in the car, Seth behind the wheel. Seth starts it op. The souped up engine ROARS to life. We can hear Seth mumbling under the motor. SETH Low profile. Do you know what the words "low profile" mean? CLOSE-UP: SETH'S FOOT PUNCHES GAS. The Plymouth tears out of the parking lot backwards, hits the street, and speeds off down the road. We CRANE UP HIGH to see the car leaving a trail of dust behind it, as the store burns out of control. OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE. Raunchy, honky-tonk MUSIC fills the theater. CUT TO: EXT. TEXAS PANHANDLE - DAY The Plymouth tears ass across Texas plains. As TITLES PLAY OVER, we see Seth and Richard enjoying their getaway/road trip. Seth behind the wheel, pops open a bottle of prescription pills, empties out four of the red capsules in his hand, pops them in his mouth, and washes it back with a slug of Jack Daniel's from a pint bottle. Richard looks at Seth through the hole in his hand. Like a boxer, Richard wraps his wounded hand with gaffer's tape. The camera leaves the boys, as they woosh down the street, and goes along the length of the car to the trunk. It hangs on the trunk. Then we see through the trunk, like Superman: AN OLDER WOMAN tied up and helpless in the trunk. The rest of the titles play over black as the song continues. CREDIT SEQUENCE ENDS CUT TO: EXT. EMMA AND PETE'S GRAVY TRAIN - DAY Emma and Pete's Gravy Train is a truck stop off of Highway 290. SUBTITLE APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN': FORT STOCKTON 238 MILES FROM THE MEXICAN BORDER INT. EMMA AND PETE'S GRAVY TRAIN - DAY Emma and Pete's PATRONS are made up of regulars, truckers, cowboys and road-weary travelers. The CAMERA DOLLIES through the maze of tables, patrons, and waitresses. It stops when it gets to a table occupied by the FULLER FAMILY. The Fullers definitely fall into the road-weary category. The members of the unit consist of the father, JACOB, age 44, an ex-preacher, a good man with rough edges, and his two children, KATE, age 19, is a young beauty who possesses what can only be described as an apple pie sensuality. She is dressed like a nice Christian girl, complete with crucifix. SCOTT, age 16, is a Jacob's Vietnamese adopted son. Scott is a likable, long-haired kid who always wears a T-shirt with the name of the heavy metal garage band he plays guitar for, "Precinct 13." The three of them are wolfing down a late lunch. JACOB We got about two more hours of day light left. That'll get us into El Paso, which is right next to the border. We'll stop at a motel -- SCOTT Stop? We're not going to actually stop at a motel, are we? Scott and Kate speak together, obviously repeating something that Jacob has said about three hundred times. SCOTT AND KATE We've got a Winnebago. We don't need those over priced roach havens. We're self contained. JACOB Okay, Okay, maybe I was a little overzealous, but give me a break, I just bought it. Scott and Kate continue the impersonation. SCOTT Why, just look at all this. You got your kitchen -- KATE -- you got your microwave -- SCOTT -- you got your sink -- KATE -- you got your shower -- SCOTT -- see this, television! KATE Feel this, real wood paneling. That's real wood, too, not that fake stuff. JACOB Unless you two wiseacres wanna be introduced to the joys of hitchhiking, what say we drop this? SCOTT (to Kate) The truth hurts. KATE (to Scott) It's the bitterest of pills. JACOB You two ought to start a stand-up act, because you're just wasting your humor on me. KATE Ain't it the truth. SCOTT Why do you want to stop? JACOB I'm exhausted. SCOTT Lie in the back, Dad, I'll drive us into Mexico. Jacob gives Scott a look that says, "You aren't touching my new motor home." JACOB I just bet you would. Don't even thin about it. Besides, I want to have one night's sleep in an honest-to-goodness bed. The beds in the home are okay, but they're not like a real bed. KATE Hey, if we go to a motel, we can swim. SCOTT I'll be right back. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Scott gets up from the table and walks out back to the restroom. Jacob and Kate are left alone. There's an awkward moment of silence before... KATE Dad, when I called the machine to check our messages there was one from Bethel Baptist. Mr.Franklin said he wouldn't permanently replace you until we came back. He said when we come home, if you still feel the same way -- JACOB That's very nice of Ted, but I'll call him tomorrow and tell him not to bother waiting. KATE I didn't want to talk about this in front of Scott because he gets upset. But you don't believe in God anymore? JACOB Not enough to be a pastor. Look, I know this is hard on you kids. After Jenny's death, this is probably the last thing you need. But I can't do it any longer. My congregation needs spiritual leadership. Well, they can't get that from me anymore. My faith is gone. To answer your question, yes, I do believe in Jesus. But do I love them? No. After Jenny died, I just thought, what's the point? KATE (pushing him) It's just, all our lives you've been a pastor. For twenty years you've preached trust in the lord. And then one day you wake up and say fuck him? JACOB I didn't say fuck him. I'm just not connected anymore. KATE That happens, you'll get it back. JACOB Kate, give your old man a little credit. Every person who chooses the service of God as their life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you'll look at your reflection in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a fool? We've all done it. I'm not going through a lapse. What I've experienced is closer to awakening. I'm not trying to shake your faith. I've just decided not to devote my life to God anymore. KATE What do you think Mom would say? JACOB Mom's got nothing to say, she's dead. CUT TO: CLOSE UP: COUNTER BELL. A hand slams down on it. RING. INT. LOBBY - DEW DROP INN - DAY Seth stands at the front desk of the Dew Drop Inn. A standard issue Texas motel. Richard sits outside in the car. Nobody responds to the bell. Seth BANGS it impatiently five times. TEXAS VOICE (O.S.) Hold your horses! An OLD-TIMER walks through a curtain behind the counter. He's eating a BBQ rib. OLD-TIMER (rough) Whatcha want? SETH Whatcha think I want, ya mean old bastard? I wanna room. EXT. COURTYARD - DEW DROP INN - DAY Richard sits in the car listening to Merle Haggard on the radio. He watches from his perspective, Seth taking the walking outside and getting in the car. Seth starts it up, and drives them to their room. RICHARD Do they have cable? SETH No. RICHARD Do they have an X-rated channel? SETH No. RICHARD Do they have a waterbed? SETH They don't have anything except four walls and a roof, and that's all we need. Their car drives up to room #9, but they park backing up the trunk close to the door. The two brothers get out of the car. SETH (tossing Richie the motel keys) Open the door. We gotta do this fast. Richie opens the door. Seth goes to the trunk, looks around the court yard. It's empty. CLOSE UP: KEY going into the trunk lock, turning. TRUNK POV: Seth looking into the camera. SETH'S POV: A WOMAN in her late forties is lying scrunched up in the trunk. She is the HOSTAGE BANK TELLER from Abilene. She's stiff, scared and looks an absolute mess. SETH Don't say a word. The two brothers, quick as lightening, yank the woman out of the trunk and whisk her into the motel room. SETH closes the trunk, looks around for any Johnny eye-witnesses, doesn't see any, slams the door. INT. SETH AND RICHARD'S ROOM - DAY Seth turns from the door, sees the hostage woman standing. SETH You. Plant yourself in that chair. She sits down in the chair. HOSTAGE What are you planning on doing with -- SETH -- I said plant yourself. Plants don't talk. You wanna get on my good side? Just sit still and don't make a peep. She shuts up. Richard slowly takes off his jacket. He winces from his wound. SETH Let me help you. He helps him get his jacket off. SETH How's it feel? RICHARD How ya think, it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. Richie goes over to the bed and lies down on it. Seth takes the pillow and stacks them for Richie to prop his back up against. SETH I got both rooms on either side of us, so we don't gotta worry about eavesdropping assholes. How's that feel? You okay? RICHARD Feels good. SETH I'm gonna go get the money. He heads for the door. EXT. COURTYARD - MOTEL - DAY Seth goes into the car, takes out a big suitcase. He scans the perimeter with his eyes, goes back inside. INT. MOTEL ROOM #9 - DAY Seth comes back in, lays the suitcase on the bed. Richie has the TV remote control in his hand and he's flipping stations. Seth looks at his watch. SETH It's about five o'clock. (to hostage) What time does it get dark around here? HOSTAGE About seven. SETH Good. I'm going towards the border to check things out while it's still daylight. Call Carlos and arrange the rendezvous. RICHARD Hey, when you talk to him, see if you can arrange a better deal than thirty percent. SETH That's their standard deal, brother. They ain't about to change it for us. RICHARD Did you even to try to negotiate? SETH These guys ain't spic fire cracker salesman from Tijuana. They don't even know the meaning of the word "barter". You wanna stay in El Ray? You give them thirty percent of your loot. It's scripture. So it is written, so shall it be done. You want sanctuary, you pay the price, and the price is thirty percent. RICHARD All I'm saying -- SETH -- This conversation is over. Richie shrugs and turns back to TV, Seth turns to the hostage, grabs a chair and slides it up in front of her. SETH Now, we need to have a talk. What's your name? HOSTAGE Gloria. He shakes her hand. SETH Hello, Gloria, I'm Seth and that's my brother Richie. Let's cut to the chase. I'm gonna ask you a question and all I want is a yes or no answer. Do you want to live through this? GLORIA Yes. SETH Good. Then let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no question. You make a noise... (he holds up his .45) ...Mr. 45 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 45 answers it. Now are you absolutely, positively clear about rule number one? GLORIA Yes. SETH Rule number two: You do what we say, when we say it. If you don't, see rule number one. Seth takes the .45, places the barrel next to the woman's cheek. She squirms and shuts her eyes. He pulls back the hammer. SETH Rule number three: Don't you ever try and fuckin' run on us. 'Cause I got five little friends, and they all run faster 'n you can. Got it? She nods her head yes. He takes the gun away and replaces the hammer. SETH Open your eyes. She does. SETH Gloria, you hang in there, follow the rules, and don't fuck with us, you'll get out of this alive. I give you my word. Okay? She nods her head yes. Seth rises. SETH I'll be back in a bit. He exits. Richard looks to the TV, then looks to Gloria sitting across the room in the chair. RICHARD Wanna come up here on the bed and watch TV with me? You can tell she doesn't want to. He pats the empty space next to him. RICHARD Come on. She gets out of her chair, walks across the bed, and sits next to him. EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY A phone booth outside of a gas station. Seth is in the middle of a conversation with the party on the other end. SETH Things are real hot here. Crossing's gonna be a bitch. (pause) Don't worry, we'll get across. But when we do, where do we go? (pause) Can we make it as close to the border as possible? Texas wants our balls. The quicker we're in your protection, the better I'll feel. (pause) Okay, where? (pause) The Titty Twister? (he laughs) I love it already. Okay, Carlos, I'll see you and your men at the "Titty Twister" tomorrow morning. (pause) Bye, my friend. Seth hangs up the phone, lights up a cigarette with his Zippo lighter and exits frame. After Seth exits, leaving the frame empty, a subtitle appears: EL PASO 5 MILES FROM THE MEXICAN BORDER CUT TO: INT. SETH AND RICHARD'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Richard lies on the bed by himself, propped up by pillows, watching TV, taking on hits from a water bong in the shape of a wizard. ON TV A local newscaster named KELLY HOUGE is reporting a story about the brothers. KELLY HOUGE (talking to camera) This bloody crime spree started just a week ago today. The oldest of the two brothers... MUG SHOT OF SETH KELLY HOUGE (V.O) ...Seth Gecko was serving time in Rolling's Kansas State Penitentiary for his part in the 1988 Scott City bank robbery in which two law enforcement officers lost their lives. BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE Having served eight years of his twenty-two year sentence, Seth Gecko was brought to Wichita Municipal court house for his first parole hearing. It was while at the court house that this man... MUG SHOT OF RICHARD GECKO KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ... his younger brother Richard Gecko, a known armed robber and sex offender, pulled off a daring daylight escape... BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE ...resulting in the death of four Wichita law enforcement officers, and this woman... PHOTO OF WOMAN SMILING KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...Heide Vogel, sixth grade teacher who was run over by the Geckos during a high speed pursuit through downtown Wichita. MAP OF AMERICA A red line travels from Wichita to Oklahoma. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) From there the brothers traveled from Kansas through Oklahoma... The red line enters Texas and the camera moves into Texas. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...into the great state of Texas, and then finally... WE ZOOM in on a red-circled Abilene. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...into Abilene. We hear GUNFIRE and SCREAMS. CUT TO: EXT. THE CRIMINAL COURT BUILDING - DAY Kelly Houge walks down the courthouse steps of the criminal courts building of Abilene. She talks to the camera. Cops, lawyers and citizens bustle in the background. KELLY HOUGE The list of the dead climbed up three more notches since our last telecast. CUT TO: PHOTO: OFFICER SHERMAN GOODELL in full police uniform. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) Officer Sherman Goodell, who was in intensive care following the gun battle outside of the Valley Federal bank building... CUT TO: EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Kelly Houge standing on the court house steps talking into the camera. KELLY HOUGE ...died about forty-five minutes ago at Hopkins General hospital. And about six hours ago, during a daylight liquor store robbery in Big Springs, The Gecko Brothers killed another Texas Ranger... CUT TO: PHOTO: EARL MCGRAW in uniform. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...Earl McGraw... CUT TO: PHOTO: PETE in a Hawaiian shirt holding up a big fish. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ...and liquor store clerk Pet Bottoms. CUT TO: VIDEO FOOTAGE: Of Benny's World of Liquor burning down. KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) Then they proceeded to burn the store down to the ground. CUT TO: VIDEO GRAPHIC: Picture of The Gecko Brothers with a tally underneath: THE GECKO BROTHERS WICHITA JAIL BREAK VALLEY FEDERAL BANK ROBBERY BIG SPRINGS CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY DEATH TOLL 13 TEXAS RANGERS - POLICE OFFICERS - CIVILIANS 4 7 2 KELLY HOUGE That changes the death toll to fifteen. (It changes under "Death toll") Five Texas Rangers... (it changes) Eight police officers (it changes) Three civilians. (it changes) CUT TO: BACK TO KELLY KELLY HOUGE And one hostage... CUT TO: PHOTO: GLORIA HILL KELLY HOUGE (V.O.) ... bank teller and mother of four, Gloria Hill. KELLY TO CAMERA KELLY HOUGE Heading the case to bring these fugitives to justice is FBI agent Stanley Chase. We talked with agent Chase earlier this afternoon. CUT TO: VIDEO INTERVIEW Kelly Houge interviewing STANLEY CHASE of the FBI. STANLEY CHASE For the time being we are very confident we will apprehend the fugitives in the next forty-eight hours. The Bureau, local law enforcement and the Texas Rangers have all joined forces in forming a dragnet to snare Seth and Richard Gecko. KELLY HOUGE Agent Chase, does it appear that they are heading for Mexico. STANLEY CHASE Yes, it does, Kelly. We have already alerted the Mexican authorities. They intend to cooperate every way possible in bringing these fugitives to justice. KELLY HOUGE Are you optimistic about the safety of the hostage they took in Abilene, Gloria Hill? STANLEY CHASE We've received no news one way or the other. We can only hope for the best. KELLY HOUGE What about the report from an eyewitness at the liquor store who said one of the brothers was shot? STANLEY CHASE This can't be confirmed at this time, but we do believe it to be true. We have reason to believe it was the youngest brother Richard, and he was shot in the vicinity of his neck and shoulders by the store's clerk. KELLY HOUGE Is it safe to assume that because the death count involved and the loss of life of law enforcement officers, that the Bureau, the Rangers and the police force are taking this manhunt personally? STANLEY CHASE I would say that's a very safe assumption. CUT TO: RICHARD SMILES. RICHARD (Newscaster's voice) Is it safe to assume since the law enforcement authorities in the great state of Texas are homosexuals of a sick and deviate nature, that they will be too busy fucking each other up the ass to actually catch The Gecko Brothers? (in an FBI voice) I would say that's a very safe assumption. He changes a channel on the television. We see a Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoon on the screen. CASPER Would you play with me? A big burly COP turns around. COP Sure, little boy... A GHOST!!! The cop heads for the hills. Casper cries. Seth enters the room carrying a six pack of beer and two take-out bags of Big Kahuna burgers. RICHARD Shit, I started to get worried. Where the fuck ya been? SETH Sight seein'. RICHARD What'd ya see? SETH Cops. RICHARD Didya look at the border? Seth dumps the burgers on the bed. Both men pop open beers and Richard goes to town on a hamburger. Seth flips off the TV SETH Yeah, I saw the border. Through binoculars from on top of a high building. That's about as close as I risked getting. What's the TV say? RICHARD They're going to apprehend us in forty-eight hours. Seth sits down and takes a hit off his beer. SETH (to himself) I gotta figure a way to get across that goddamn border. Longer we fuck around El Paso our lives ain't worth a shit. RICHARD Look, fuck the border. Let's just dig in and wait for things to cool down. SETH Richie, it's gonna get a lot fuckin' worse before it gets any fuckin' better. We showed our ass in Texas. We killed Texas fuckin' Rangers. They ain't gonna stop lookin' till they find us, and when they find us, they're gonna kill us. Texans take it very personal when ya kill their law enforcement officers. The El Paso police have already started a motel and hotel search for us. RICHARD How do you know? SETH I heard it on the radio. We gotta get our asses into Mexico tonight. Carlos is gonna meet us tomorrow morning at a rendezvous on the other side, then Carlos and his boys will escort us to El Ray and -- Seth stops talking and looks around. SETH Where's the woman? RICHARD What? Seth's out of his chair. SETH What'd ya mean, what? The fuckin' woman, the hostage. Where the fuck is she, Richard!? RICHARD She's in the other room. SETH What the fuck is she doin' there?! He goes to the door of the adjoining room. RICHARD Seth, before you open the door, let me explain what happened. Seth stops and looks at his brother. He knows what he means. He can't say anything, only point at his younger sibling. Then he BURSTS open the door. The dead, naked body of Gloria Hill lies on the bed. It's obvious Richard raped her and killed her. Seth covers his eyes with his hands. He slowly enters the room with the dead body. SETH (to himself) Oh, Richard, what's wrong with you? Richard rises from the bed. RICHARD Now, Seth, before you flip out, let me just explain what happened. Seth slowly turns to his brother, then walks toward him. Richard backs up. SETH Yeah, explain it to me. I need an explanation. What's the matter with you? RICHARD (low and calm) There's nothing wrong with me, brother. That woman tried to escape and I did what I had to do. SETH No. (pause) That woman wouldn't of said shit if she had a mouthful. RICHARD Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Once you left, she became a whole different person. SETH (slowly approaching) Is it me? Is it my fault? RICHARD It's not your fault, it's her fault! Seth grabs Richard and THROWS him in the corner of the room, holding tightly to his wrist. SETH Is this my fault? Do you think this is what I am? RICHARD What? SETH This is not me! I am a professional fucking thief. I steal money. You try to stop me, god help you. But I don't kill people I don't have to, and I don't rape women. What you doin' ain't how it's done. Do you understand? RICHARD Seth, if you were me -- SETH Just say yes! Nothing else, just say yes. RICHARD Yes. SETH Yes, Seth, I understand. RICHARD Yes, Seth, I understand. Seth hugs his little brother. Tight. SETH (whispers in Richie's ear) We get into Mexico, it's gonna be sweet Rosemary, hundred-proof liquor, and rice and beans. None of this shit's gonna matter. INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT Scott and Kate are in the front seat of their parked motor home. The motor home's parked in front of the Dew Drop Inn's front office. We see Jacob inside getting a room from the Old-Timer. KATE I can't believe he's stopping here. This place looks totally cruddy. Jacob walks out of the office. Kate yells from the motor home. KATE Dad, why are we stopping here? He opens the meter home door and climbs in. JACOB There's nothing wrong with this place. KATE It's a flop house. JACOB It's not a flop house. It's basic and simple. That doesn't make it a flop house. KATE If it doesn't have a pool, we're looking for a new place. Starting the huge car and slowly maneuvering it through the courtyard. JACOB It has a bed. That's all I care about. KATE Other places have beds, they also have cable TV, a gym, room service... EXT. COURTYARD - NIGHT Seth walks out of room #9 with a beer in his hand. He's thinking about how he's going to get over the border tonight. Lost in thought, he steps out in the path of the Fuller's motor home. Jacob slams on the brakes. Seth jumps back, startled. Both Kate and Scott are TOSSED out of their seats onto the floor. THUD... THUD... KATE Owww, my head. Jacob (pissed) honks his horn at Seth and yells out the window. JACOB Watch where you're going! THROUGH WINDSHIELD Seth just stands right in their way without moving, gazing up at the giant motor home. JACOB BEHIND THE WHEEL Kate and Scott join him up front looking at this weirdo. SCOTT What's this guy's problem? JACOB I have no idea. Seth continues standing in their way, making no attempt to move. Not threatening, just looking at them. HONK! JACOB Anytime, man. The horn snaps Seth back to this world. A smile breaks out on the escaped fugitive's face and he politely steps to one side to let them pass. Pass they do! KATE Creepy guy. SETH The Sword of Damocles is lifted from above Seth's head. He's just solved a problem that a mere thirty seconds ago seemed unsolvable. He knows exactly how he's going to cross the border. Whistling a happy tune, he turns and walks back into room #9. INT. FULLERS' MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT The Fullers are in room #12. It's identical to the one that the Gecko boys are in, except that the paintings above the beds are different. Jacob has fallen asleep in his clothes on the bed. Scott sits in a chair, headphones on, playing an unplugged electric guitar. Kate is nowhere in sight. KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK... on the door. Scott doesn't hear shit but his music. Jacob stirs a bit, but doesn't wake up. POUND... POUND... POUND... on the door. Jacob SPRINGS UP. He looks over at Scott, who, lost in guitar heaven, is oblivious of the knocker, then to the door. JACOB (yelling) What? From the other side of the door comes a friendly voice. VOICE (O.S.) I'm your neighbor in room 9, I hate to disturb you, but I'd like to ask a favor. Jacob swings his feet to the floor, stands up and walks to the door. As he passes Scott, he says, in his direction -- JACOB I hope none of this is disturbing you. Scott can't hear him, but when he sees his dad look at him, he smiles. Jacob opens the door and sees... ... Richard Gecko standing in the doorway, looking like the nicest guy in the entire world. RICHARD Hi there, I'm from room 9, my name is Don Cornelius. No, not the Don Cornelius from Soul Train. Me and my lady friend need some ice and we don't seem to have an ice bucket. Could we possibly borrow yours? I'll bring it right back. JACOB (still partially asleep) Sure. We follow Jacob as he turns to the dresser to get the motel ice bucket. He grabs it, turns back to the door, takes a couple of steps towards it, then stops: in his tracks. He sees Richard and Seth both inside the room with the door closed, both with .45's in their hands, both aimed at him. JACOB What is this? Seth SLUGS Jacob in the mouth, KNOCKING him to the ground. SETH It's called a punch. Scott suddenly becomes aware of what's going on around him and instinctively stands. Richard shoves his .45 in Scott's mouth. RICHARD Sit down. Scott lowers himself back down onto his seat. RICHARD Good boy. Jacob lifts his head off the floor and wipes blood away from his lip. He looks at his opponent who stands over him. SETH (to Jacob) What's your name? JACOB Jacob. SETH Okay, Jacob, get up and sit your ass down on the bed. Make a wrong move and I'll shoot you in the face. Jacob rises and sits on the edge of the bed. SETH (to Richard) Okay, move the Jap over there. Keeping the gun in Scott's mouth, Richard makes Scott rise... RICHARD Upsy daisy. ...guiding him over to the bed by his father. Richard removes the gun from Scott's mouth and stands next to his brother, looking down at their two hostages. SETH (to his hostages) What's the story with you two? You a couple of fags? JACOB He's my son. SETH How does that happen? You don't look Japanese. JACOB Neither does he. He looks Vietnamese. SETH Oh, well, excuse me all to hell. JACOB What's this about, money? SETH It's about money, all right, but not yours. You see, me and my brother here are in a little hot water and we need your assistance. The door to room #12 opens and a dripping wet, bikini clad Kate walks in. The brothers spin their guns in her direction. Kate, startled, screams. Jacob and Scott get on their feet and move forward. Seth spins back towards the two men, gun ready to spit. SETH (to Scott and Jacob) Stop! Jacob and Scott freeze. Richard moves like quicksilver, shutting the door and positioning himself behind the terrified Kate. KATE What's going on? RICHARD We're having a wet bikini contest, and you just won. JACOB (to Kate) It's okay, honey. Everything's going to be all right. SETH Just listen to daddy, sugar, and don't do nothin' stupid. (he turns to Jacob and Scott, who are still standing) You two, Simon says sit the fuck down! They slowly sit. Richard can't take his eyes off the dripping wet Kate. Both Jacob and Seth see this and neither men like it. Both for their own reasons. SETH (to Jacob) Where are the keys to the motor home? JACOB On the dresser. SETH Richie, take the keys. Start that big bastard up, and drive it up front. Richard doesn't move from his position behind Kate. Kate feels his eyes on her. She slowly turns and looks at him. He looks in her face. CLOSE-UP KATE She smiles at him. KATE Richie, will you do me a favor and eat my pussy? CLOSE-UP RICHARD RICHARD Sure. SETH (O.S.) Richard! Richard's eyes go to Seth. Everybody is where they were. Kate never turned around. SETH Not when you get around to it, now. Without saying a word, he takes the keys and leaves the room. SETH (pointing at Kate) You, Gidget, go in the bathroom and put on some clothes. She grabs some clothes from the floor and moves towards the bathroom. Seth GRABS her wrist. SETH You got three minutes. One second longer, I shoot your father in the face. Do you understand what I just said? KATE Yes. SETH Do you believe me? KATE Yes. SETH You damn well better. Go. She goes into the bathroom. JACOB Look, if you want the motor home, just take it and get out. Seth grabs a chair and slides it up to his two male hostages. SETH Sorry, Pops, it ain't gonna be that easy. We hear the motor home "HONK" twice outside. SETH Get ready to move out, we're all going on a little ride. Jacob shakes his head "no." JACOB Not a chance. SETH Come again? JACOB If you're taking people, take me. But my kids aren't going anywhere with you. SETH Sorry, I need everybody. JACOB My children are not going with you, and that's that. SETH (angry) That's not fuckin' that... (holds up his gun) this is fuckin' this. (he calms down and looks at Scott) Go sit over there. Scott gets up and walks to the other side of the room, leaving the two men alone. Seth speaks in a quiet, conversational tone. SETH I ain't got time to fuck around with you, so I'll make this simple. Take your kids and get in the car, or I'll execute all three of you right now. (he cocks the gun and puts it right in Jacob's face) What's it gonna be, yes or no answer? Jacob looks at him. JACOB Yes. SETH Good. (to Scott) Your old man's all right, he just saved your life. Seth BANGS on the bathroom door. SETH Times up, Princess. The bathroom door opens. Kate stands there, wearing a T-shirt, jeans and bare feet. SETH Okay, ramblers, let's get to rambling. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The motor home with the powder-keg interior drives through the Lone Star night. INT. MOTOR HOME NIGHT Richard's in the back bed area with a gun trained on Kate and Scott. The two scared siblings hold hands. KATE Excuse me. Richard zeros in on her. RICHARD What? KATE Where are you taking us? RICHARD Mexico. KATE What's in Mexico? RICHARD Mexicans. He doesn't smile. In the front part of the motor home, Jacob sits behind the wheel, driving into the night. Seth sits in the passenger seat, going through Jacob's wallet and talking to him calmly. SETH (reading his driver's license) Jacob Fuller. Jacob, that's biblical, ain't it? What am I askin' for, of course it is. (motioning behind him) What are their names? JACOB Scott and Kate. Seth repeats the names as he thumbs through the wallet. SETH Scott and Kate... Kate and Scott... Scott Fuller... Kate Fuller... Seth comes to a snapshot of Jacob and his wife. SETH Who's this? JACOB My wife. SETH Where is the little lady? JACOB In heaven. SETH She's dead? JACOB Yes, she is. SETH How'd she die? JACOB Auto wreck. SETH Come on, gimme some more details. How'd it happen? Some fuckin' drunk kill her? JACOB No. It was a rainy night, the brakes on the car weren't great. She had to stop suddenly. She slid on the road, she crashed, she died. SETH Died instantly? JACOB Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on. SETH Whewww! Those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they? JACOB Yes, they do. Seth looks back at the wallet. He sees Jacob's minister's license. SETH Is this real? JACOB Yes. SETH I've seen one of these before. A friend of mine had himself declared a minister of his own religion. Away to fuck the IRS. Is that what you're doing, or are you the real McCoy? JACOB Real McCoy. SETH You're a preacher? JACOB I was a minister. SETH Was? As in not anymore? JACOB Yes. SETH Why'd ya quit? JACOB I think I've gotten about as up close and personal with you as I'm gonna get. Now if you need me like I think you need me, you're not gonna kill me 'cause I won't answer your stupid, prying questions. So, with all due respect, mind your own business. SETH I seem to have touched a nerve. Don't be so sensitive, Pops, let's keep this friendly. But you're right, enough with the getting to know you shit. Now, there's two ways we can play this hand. One way is me and you go round an' round all fuckin' night. The other way, is we reach some sort of an understanding. Now, if we go down that first path at the end of the day, I'll win. But we go down the second, we'll both win. Now, I don't give a rat's ass about you or your fuckin' family. Y'all can live forever or die this second and I don't care which. The only things I do care about are me that son-of-a-bitch in the back, and our money. And right now I need to get those three things into Mexico. Now, stop me if I'm wrong, but I take it you don't give a shit about seeing me and my brother receiving justice, or the bank getting its money back. Right now all you care about is the safety of your daughter, your son and possibly yourself. Am I correct? JACOB Yes. SETH I thought so. You help us get across the border without incident, stay with us the rest of the night without trying anything funny, and in the morning we'll let you and your family go. That way everybody gets what they want. You and your kids get out of this alive and we get into Mexico. Everybody's happy. JACOB How do I know you'll keep your word? SETH Jesus Christ, Pops, don't start with this shit. JACOB You want me to sit here and be passive. The only way being passive in this situation makes sense is if I believe you'll let us go. I'm not there yet. You have to convince me you're telling the truth. SETH Look, dickhead, the only thing you need to be convinced about is that you're stuck in a situation with a coupla real mean motor scooters. I don't wanna hafta worry about you all fuckin' night. And I don't think you wanna be worrying about my brother's intentions toward your daughter all night. You notice the way he looked at her, didn't ya? JACOB Yes. SETH Didn't like it, did ya? JACOB No, I didn't. SETH Didn't think so. So, as I was saying, I'm willing to make a deal. You behave, get us into Mexico, and don't try to escape. I'll keep my brother off your daughter and let you all loose in the morning. JACOB You won't let him touch her? SETH I can handle Richie, don't worry. The two men look at each other for some measure of trust. Seth sticks out his hand. SETH I give you my word. Seth can't help but think about the last time he gave his word. SETH (hand sticks out) My words, my law. Better you not take it, and that's just where we are, then take it and not mean it. Jacob takes his hand, but looks right into Seth. JACOB If he touches her, I'll kill him. I don't give a fuck how many guns you have, nothing will stop me from killing him. SETH Fair enough. You break your word, I'll kill all of you. (calling to the back) Kate, honey! KATE Yeah. SETH You must have a bible in here, don't cha? KATE Yeah, we got a bible. SETH Get it and bring it up here, will ya, please? Kate goes into a drawer, pulls out a bible and brings it up front. SETH Hold it right there, sweetie pie. (to Jacob) Put your hand on it. Jacob does. SETH Swear to God, on the Bible, you won't try to escape and you'll get us across the border. JACOB I swear to God I won't try to escape and I'll do my best to get you into Mexico. SETH You best better get it done, Pops. Seth places his hand on the Bible. SETH I swear to God I'll let you loose in the morning. And your daughter will be safe. And I also swear if you do anything to fuck me up, I'll slit all your throats. TIME CUT TO: INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT Richard's in the back with Kate and Scott. Richard, expressionless, looks at Kate's bare feet. SLOW ZOOM KATE'S BARE FEET EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S TOES. They wiggle. His eyes go to her hands. SLOW ZOOM KATE'S HANDS EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S FINGERS His eyes go to her neck. SLOW ZOOM NAPE OF KATE'S NECK EX CLOSE-UP KATE'S ADAM'S APPLE. She swallows. His eyes move up. SIDE PROFILE OF KATE, SLOW ZOOM TO KATE'S LIPS Back to Richard. RICHARD Did ya mean what you said back there? Kate turns to him. KATE What? RICHARD In the room. Were you serious, or were you just foolin' around? I'm just bringing it up, 'cause if you really want me to do that for you, I will. KATE Do what? RICHARD (in a whisper) What you said to me in the room. KATE (whispers back) What did I say? RICHARD (whisper) You asked me if I would -- SETH (O.S.) Richard! RICHARD (to Seth) What? Seth and Jacob. SETH I told you to watch those kids, I didn't say talk to 'em. You guys ain't got nothin' to say to one another. So cut the chatter. Richard turns to Kate. RICHARD (quiet) We'll talk later. Kate still hasn't a clue what he means. CUT TO: EXT. THE MEXICAN BORDER - NIGHT Automobiles are lined up, waiting one by one to go into Mexico. Cop cars with their red and blue lights flashing are all over the place. Border Patrol men and Police are stopping all cars. Pulling up to the end of the line is the Fuller's mobile home. INT. MOBILE HOME - NIGHT Jacob at the wheel, Seth in the passenger seat. Seth jumps up and goes into action. SETH Okay everybody, it's show time. Richie, take Kate in the bathroom. Richard grabs the terrified Kate and drags her in the bathroom, SETH Scott, you come up front with your daddy. Scott does. Seth, keeping low, gets behind Jacob. JACOB I'm telling you, don't hurt her. SETH As long as you're cool, she'll be cool. What're ya gonna say? JACOB I don't have the slightest idea. SETH Well, you just keep thinkin' of that gun next to Kate's temple. Seth disappears into the bathroom with Kate and Richard, closing the door behind him. Father and son are alone for the first time since this whole thing began. SCOTT What are you gonna do? JACOB I'm gonna try and get us across the border. SCOTT No, dad, you gotta tell 'em that they're back there. Jacob is surprised to hear Scott say this. INT. BATHROOM - MOBILE HOME - NIGHT The bathroom, which consists of a shower, a toilet and a small sink, is a tight fit with three people in it. Richard has his back against the wall, with his arm around Kate, holding her in front of him. One hand is over her mouth, the other holds a .45 against her head. Kate's eyes are wide with fear. Seth stands, .45 in hand, ready to fire if the wrong person should open the door. Everybody talks low and quiet. RICHARD This isn't gonna work. SETH Shut up. It's gonna work just fine, RICHARD I just want to go on record as saying this is a bad idea. SETH Duly noted. Now, shut up. Everyone's quiet for a second, till Richard breaks it. RICHARD (to himself) They're gonna search the van. SETH (offhand) As long as you don't act like a fuckin' nut, we'll be just fine. RICHARD What does that mean? SETH (distracted) What? Richard lets Kate go, she quickly moves to the side. RICHARD You just called me a fuckin' nut. SETH No, I didn't. RICHARD Yes, you did. You said as long as I don't act like a fuckin' nut, implying that I've been acting like a fuckin' nut. SETH Take a pill, kid. I just meant stay cool. RICHARD You meant that, but you meant the other, too. Kate can't believe what she's watching. Neither can Seth. SETH (serious as a heart attack) This ain't the time, Richard. RICHARD (his voice rising) Fuck those spic pigs! You called me a fuckin' nut, and where I come from, that stops the train on its tracks. SETH (real quiet and violent) Keep your voice down. RICHARD (quiet back) Or what? BACK TO JACOB AND SCOTT JACOB Have you forgotten about your sister? SCOTT They're gonna kill us. They get us across the border, they're gonna take us out in the desert and shoot us. JACOB If they get over the border, they're gonna let us go. SCOTT Dad, I watch those reality shows. They never let anybody go. Any cop will tell you, in a situation like this, you get a chance, you go for it. This is our chance. JACOB What about Kate? SCOTT They're gonna kill her anyway. At least now with all these cops we've got a fighting chance. JACOB Son, I have this situation under control. I know exactly what I'm doing. You're going to have to trust me on this. SCOTT If trusting you means trusting those fuckin' killers, I can't do that. If you don't tell the cops, I will. Jacob grabs Scott by the front of his shirt, and yanks him to him. JACOB Now, you listen to me. You ain't gonna do a goddamn fucking thing, you hear me! Nobody cares what you think, I'm running this show, I make the decisions. SCOTT He's running the show. JACOB I'm running the show. I make the plays, and you back the plays I make. Stop thinking with your fucking balls. Kate in a room with a couple of desperate men with nothing to fucking lose ain't the time to "go for it." I need your cover. Cover my ass. There's a HONK behind them. They both look out the window. It's their turn with the BORDER PATROL GUARDS. JACOB takes the wheel and drives up. A stern BORDER GUARD approaches JACOB'S window. BORDER GUARD How many with you? JACOB Just my son and I. BORDER GUARD What is your purpose in Mexico? JACOB Vacation. I'm taking him to see his first bullfight. BACK TO BATHROOM RICHARD I'm curious. What was the nuttiest thing I did? SETH This ain't the time. RICHARD Oh, I know, was it possibly when your ass was rotting in jail and I broke it out? Yeah, you're right, that was pretty fuckin' nutty. Not to mention stupid. But you know what? I can fix that right now. SETH HAULS off and PUNCHES Richard smack in the head. Richard HITS the floor, Guard, Jacob, and Scott hear Richard fall in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD What was that? JACOB Oh, that's just my daughter in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD You said it was just you and your son. JACOB I meant me, my son and my daughter. CLOSE-UP BORDER GUARD BORDER GUARD Open the door. I'm coming aboard. BACK TO BATHROOM CLOSE-UP KATE We can only see Kate's face. It's scared. We hear rustling around the bathroom, but we don't know what it is. Then it's quiet. Then we hear talking outside the door, but we can't make it out. Then we hear a knock. KATE I'm in the bathroom. BORDER GUARD (O.S.) It's the Border Patrol. Open up. KATE It's open. We hear the door open and see the light change on Kate's face. She's looking up. BORDER GUARD in the doorway looking in. HE SEES: Kate by herself, pants around her ankles, sitting on the toilet. KATE Do you mind? Shut the fucking door. BORDER GUARD Excuse me. He closes the door. Kate lets out a breath. We wait a beat, Seth pulls back the curtain in the shower, we see Richie on the floor of the shower knocked out. Seth and Kate meet eyes. He gives her the O.K. signal. CUT TO: BACK WINDOW MOTOR HOME We see through the back window of the motor home, the border getting smaller as we drive away from it. Scott knocks on the bathroom door. SCOTT It's clear. Seth BURSTS out of the bathroom. SETH Goddamn, that was. intense! Seth goes to the back window. He sees the border getting farther and farther away. No cars following. SETH (to himself) We did it. (pause) We're in Mexico. Seth throws his head back and SCREAMS for joy. Kate, emerging from the bathroom, reacts to Seth's scream, along with Scott. Seth is so happy that he does a little jig in the back of the van. Everybody else is still tense as shit. But Seth lets go of all his tension, and becomes a new man before our eyes. He turns to Kate. SETH (loud and happy) Come here, Kate! Kate, nervous, takes a step back. He charges for her. GRABS her, hugs her around her waist, and spins her around. When he lets her go, she stumbles dizzily onto the bed. SETH (to Kate) You were magnificent! You told him to shut the fucking door. I'm hiding in the shower, and I'm thinking to myself, "Did I just fuckin' hear what I just fuckin' heard? And what does he do -- he shuts the fucking door! Kate kind of half smiles. SETH If I was a bit younger, baby, I'd fuckin' marry you! Seth goes up front and slaps Jacob on the back. SETH I gotta hand it to ya, Pops, you raised a fuckin' woman. Jacob doesn't share Seth's enthusiasm, but he is relieved. JACOB We did our part, we gotcha in Mexico. Now it's time for your part, letting us go. SETH Pops, when you're right, you're right, and you are right. KATE (suddenly brightens) You're gonna let us go? SETH In the morning, darlin', in the morning, we are G-O-N-E and you are F-R-E-E. Now, I know I put you guys through hell, and I know I've been one rough pecker, but from here on end you guys are in my cool book. Scotty, help me pick Richie up, and lay him down. Jacob, keep going on this road till you get to a sign that says, "Digayo." When you get to Digayo, turn this big bastard left, go on down for a few miles, then you see a bar called "The Titty Twister." From what I hear, you can't miss it. JACOB Then? SETH Then stop, 'cause that's where we're going. He slaps him once again on the back, and leaves to attend to Richard. CUT TO: CLOSE-UP RICHARD without glasses. Unconscious, Seth slaps his face. SETH (O.S.) C'mon, kid, wake up. Don't make a career out of it. Richard starts coming to and opens his eyes. Seth sits at the foot of the bed. SETH You okay? RICHARD (disoriented) Yeah, I think so. What happened? SETH I don't know, you just passed out. RICHARD I did? SETH Yeah, we were just standing there. You said something about your shoulder hurting, then you just hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. RICHARD Really? SETH Yeah, when you fell your head smacked the toilet hard. It scared the shit outta me. Sure you're okay? RICHARD Yeah, I guess. I'm just a little fucked up. SETH Well, let me tell ya something, gonna clear your head right up. We are officially Mexicans. RICHARD What? SETH We are... (singing) "South of the border down Mexico way." RICHARD We are? SETH Yep. We're heading for the rendezvous right now. We get there, we pound booze till Carlos shows up, he escorts us to El Ray. And then me and you, brother, kick fuckin' back. How ya like them apples? Slowly shaking the cobwebs out of his head. RICHARD Far out. (pause) Where are my glasses? SETH They broke when you fell. RICHARD Oh, fuck, Seth, that's my only pair! SETH Don't worry about it, we'll get you some glasses. RICHARD What dya mean, don't worry about it. Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see. SETH When we get to El Ray, I'll take care of it. RICHARD Yeah, like a Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription. SETH It's not a big deal, unless you make it a big deal. Now, I'm real happy, Richie, stop bringing me down with bullshit. Jacob calls to the back. JACOB Guys! We're here. CUT TO: A neon sign that flashes: THE TITTY TWISTER Hiker/Trucker bar, Dusk till Dawn Underneath the joint's proud name on the sign, and on top of "Biker/Trucker bar, Dusk till Dawn" is a well-endowed woman, whose breast is being twisted by a neon hand. EXT. THE TITTY TWISTER NIGHT The neon sign sits on top of the rudest, sleaziest, most crab-infested, strip joint, honky-tonk whorehouse in all of Mexico. The Titty Twister is located out in the middle of nowheres ville. It sits by itself with nothing around it for miles. A plethora of choppers and eighteen wheelers are parked out in front. The walls almost pulsate from the LOUD, RAUNCHY MUSIC within the structure. Signs cover the walls outside reading things like: "NUDE DANCING", "WHORES", "BEER", "AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FOOD", "BIKERS AND TRUCKERS ONLY", "OPEN DUSK TILL DAWN", "THURSDAY COCKFIGHT NIGHT", "WEDNESDAY DOGFIGHT NIGHT", "DONKEY SHOW MONDAYS", "EVERY FRIDAY BARE KNUCKLE FIGHT TO THE DEATH, FEATURING THE LOVELY SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM", "ATHENA AND DANNY THE WONDER PONY", and "THE SLEAZY TITTY TWISTER DANCERS." In the parking lot, a BIKER and a TRUCK DRIVER beat the shit out of each other, one with a pipe, the other with a hammer. A SECOND BIKER fucks a Titty Twister WHORE against the wall. A greasy man, known as CHET PUSSY, stands in the parking lot, soliciting customers through a Mr. Microphone. CHET Pussy, pussy, pussy! All pussy must go. At the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! This is a pussy blow out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of pussy! We got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, hot pussy, cold pussy, wet pussy, tight pussy, big pussy, bloody pussy, fat pussy, hairy pussy, smelly pussy, velvet pussy, silk pussy, Naugahyde pussy, snappin' pussy, horse pussy, dog pussy, mule pussy, fake pussy! If we don't have it, you don't want it! The Fullers' recreational vehicle pulls into the parking lot and stops. INT. MOTOR HOME - NIGHT What's left of the Fuller family and the Gecko family look out the windshield onto the sight that is the Titty Twister. SETH (to the group) Okay, troops, this is the homestretch. Here's the deal; this place closes at dawn. Carlos is gonna meet us here sometime before dawn. Which by my guesstimate is somewhere between three or four hours from now. So we're gonna go in there, take a seat, have a drink -- have a bunch of drinks, and wait for Carlos. That could be an hour, that could be three hours, I don't know which. But when he gets here, me and Richie are going to leave with him. After we split, you guys are officially out of this stewpot. Let me just say I'm real happy about where we're at. We got a real nice, "I don't fuck with you -- you don't fuck with me" attitude going on. Now, if everybody just keeps playin' it cool -- and I'm talking to you, too, Richie -- everybody's gonna get what they want. Comprende, amigos? Everybody nods and mutters in agreement. SETH Okay hard drinkers, let's drink hard. I'm buyin'. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT The camper door FLIES OPEN and the two brothers and the Fuller family step out into the night. They look across the parking lot at the Titty Twister. It literally looks in some ways like the entrance to hell. JACOB Out of the stew pot and into the fire. SETH Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club. RICHARD I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up. Seth can't believe it. SETH (in a baby talk voice) Aww-w, whatsa matter, is the little baby too afraid to go into the big scary bar? The two brothers square off, not like strangers fighting, but like brothers fight. They talk real quiet, but real personal. RICHARD That's what you think? SETH That's how you're lookin', Richie. RICHARD I'm lookin' scared? SETH That's what you look like. RICHARD You know what you look like? SETH No, Richie, what do I look like? RICHARD You're lookin' green. That's not what Seth expected to hear. SETH How? RICHARD Where are you right now? SETH What do you mean? RICHARD Where are you? SETH I'm here with you. RICHARD No, you're not. You're sippin' margaritas in El Ray. But we're not in El Ray. We're here -- getting ready to go in there. You're so pleased with yourself about getting into Mexico, you think the job's down. It ain't. Get back on the clock. That's a fuck-with-you-bar. We hang around there for a coupla hours, in all likelihood, we'll get fucked with. So get your shit together, brother. SETH My shit is together. RICHARD It don't look together. SETH Well, it is. Just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm on vacation. You're just not used to seein' me happy, 'cause it's been about fifteen fuckin' years since I been happy. But my shit is forever together. Richard believes Seth's response. RICHARD Okay, just checkin'. They walk toward the bar's entrance. Chet Pussy talks into the microphone. CHET (yelling into the microphone) Take advantage of our penny pussy sale. Buy any piece of pussy a tour regular price, you get another piece of pussy, of equal or lesser value, for a penny. Now try and beat pussy for a penny! If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere, fuck it! Chet notices our heroes, especially young Kate. CHET (in microphone, towards Kate) What's this? A new flavor approaching. Apple Pie Pussy. SETH Step aside, asshole. Chet POKES HIS FINGER in Seth's CHEST. CHET Not so fast, Slick. Seth GRABS HOLD of Chet's FINGER, BENDS it BACKWARDS till the BONE SNAPS in two. Chet lets out a SCREAM. Seth VIOLENTLY brings his HEAD FORWARD PULVERIZING Chet's NOSE. Chet FALLS to his KNEES in front of Seth. Seth HOOKS him with a powerful FIST UNDER his CHIN that SNAPS Chet's HEAD BACK, and THROWS him on his BACK. After HITTING the GROUND, Seth SENDS a SAVAGE KICK straight to Chet's FACE, ROLLING HIM OVER. Chet is OUT. The whole altercation took two seconds. Everyone's in shock and looks at Seth. Seth looks back at everyone. SETH Now, is my shit together, or is my shit together? Richard and Seth laugh with each other. RICHARD (slappin' Seth five) Your shit is forever together! They head for the door. Richard stays behind for a second, and gives the fallen Chet a few, swift kicks, INT. THE TITTY TWISTER NIGHT If the Titty Twister looked like the asshole of the world from the outside, in the immortal words of Al Jolson, "You ain't seen nothin' yet." This is the kind of place where they sweep up the teeth and hose down the cum, the blood and the beer at closing. In the back, TOPLESS DANCERS do lap dances with customers, while a SLEAZY SEXY STRIPPER STRIPS to RAUNCHY MUSIC, played at ear drum-bursting level. TWO MEN are in a savage BAREKNUCKLE FIGHT, surrounded by screaming customers of bikers and truckers. One of the dancers is a man with a saddle on his back, his name is DANNY THE WONDER PONY. The woman on his back, in the saddle, feet in the stirrups, hands on the reins, is ATHENA, his rider. They dance around to the cheers of the crowd. Bikers and truckers play pool in the back. Fights break out here about one every ten minutes. The customers may start 'em, but the bouncer, BIG EMILIO, ends 'em. Seth, Richard, Jacob, Scott and Kate walk through the door. They each individually take in the sights and the smells. Seth is the first to say something. SETH Now this is my kinda place! I could become a regular. The man behind the bar is RAZOR CHARLIE. He eyes the group as they approach. Their difference from the usual road waif nomads who populate the Twister disturbs him. He exchanges a knowing look across the room with Big Emilio, as the group bellies up to the bar. SETH Whiskey! RAZOR CHARLIE (in English) You can't come in here. SETH What dya mean? RAZOR CHARLIE This is a private club. You're not welcome. SETH Are you tellin' me I'm not good enough to drink here? RAZOR CHARLIE This bar is for bikers and truckers only. (points his finger to Seth) You, get out! Big Emilio almost magically appears behind Seth and places HIS BIG BEEFY SAUSAGE-FINGERED HAND HARD on Seth's shoulder. BIG EMILIO (to Seth in Spanish) Walk, Pendaho. Seth slowly turns his eyes to the big hand on his shoulder. SETH (low) Take your hand off me. BIG EMILIO (Spanish) I'm going to count to three. SETH No, I'm going to count to three. BIG EMILIO Uno... SETH Two.. Jacob jumps in the middle. JACOB Now wait a minute, there's no reason to get ugly. There's just a misunderstanding going on here. You said this bar is for truckers and bikers, Well, I'm a truck driver. Everybody looks at Jacob. As Jacob talks he takes out his wallet. JACOB If you look outside your door, parked in your parking lot, you'll see a big ass recreational vehicle. That's mine. In order to drive that legally, you need a class two driver's license. That is the same license that the DMV requires truck drivers to carry in order to drive a truck. (he takes the license out of his wallet and lays it on the bar) That is me, and this is my class two license. This is a truck driver's bar, I am a truck driver, and these are my friends. Everybody's a little stunned after Jacob's speech. Razor Charlie picks up the license, looks at Jacob, looks at everyone in the party and smiles. RAZOR CHARLIE (to Jacob) Welcome to the Titty Twister. What can I get you? Seth BRUSHES OFF Big Emilio's paw. SETH Bottle of whiskey and five glasses. Razor Charlie's eyes go to Seth. Even though he has a big smile on his face, he looks like he's going to kill Seth. But instead he just says, RAZOR CHARLIE Coming right up. Razor Charlie goes for the bottle. Big Emilio gives the party one last look and walks away. Richard gives Jacob a buddy punch on the shoulder. RICHARD Good job, Pops. Seth's still frying an egg on his head. SETH That's just fuckin' typical. Biggest number one problem with Mexico, it's not service oriented. I was feelin' so good, and those fuckin' spies brought me down. Richard puts his arm around Seth. RICHARD Fuck 'em, shake it off. Razor Charlie brings the bottle and the glasses. Seth looks at the guy, still pissed. SETH You serve food, Jose? Razor Charlie knows Seth's taunting him with a racial slur, but he just smiles and says, RAZOR CHARLIE Best in Mexico. SETH I kinda doubt that. We're grabbin' a table, send over a waitress to take our order. Seth walks away, and the group follows him. We just hang on the evil wheels turning inside of Razor Charlie's head. The five of them move across the floor to a table. As they walk, Kate attracts stares, wolf whistles and rude comments from some of the patrons. Jacob keeps near his daughter. The dancers do their sexy routines. A big-chested, wild-haired blonde catches Scott's eye. She winks at him. Richard leans over and whispers in Scott's ear. RICHARD Anytime you want a lap dance with that broad, say the word. It's on me, kiddo. He gives the boy's neck a squeeze. Jacob's eyes survey the surroundings. Big Emilio and Razor Charlie quietly exchange words about the party in Spanish. RAZOR CHARLIE (in Spanish) They're not the normal road trash we normally feed on. But it'll be okay. No one knows they're here. The five of them find a table and sit down. Seth, still in a bad mood, takes the cork out of the whiskey bottle and tosses it. He pours Richie and himself a glass. SETH Who else? JACOB Pass. SETH (picking a fight) Why not, against your religion? JACOB (won't be baited) No, I do drink, I'm just not drinking now. SETH Suit yourself, more for me. (to Scott) Scotty? Scott shakes his head no. SETH (to Kate) How 'bout you? (pointing at Scott and Kate) are safer in here with us than wandering around a Mexican border town all night long. Just don't do nothin' stupid and we'll all get along fine. (to Scott) Scotty, you sure you don't want a drink? SCOTT Okay, I'll have one. JACOB No you won't. Seth pours Scott a shot. SETH Sorry, Pops, but I'm drinkin' and I don't like drinkin' alone. Bottoms up, boy. Scott takes the drink and he, too, experiences an on-drinker's tremor. Seth turns to Kate. SETH How about you, cutie pie? Ready for round two? KATE Okay. Seth just passes her the bottle. She pours her own shot and knocks it back. RICHARD (to Seth) Hey, Dr. Frankenstein, I think you just created a monster. Jacob turns to Seth and asks quietly. JACOB Why are you so agitated? SETH I'm still stewing about that ape laying hands on me. And that fuckin' bartender sticks a weed up my ass, too. JACOB He backed down. SETH He's smilin' at us. But behind his smile, he's sayin', "Fuck you Jack." I hear that loud and clear. JACOB What are you going to do? SETH (picking up the whiskey bottle) I'm gonna just sit here and drain this bottle. And when I've drunk the last drop, if I still feel then, the way I feel now, I'm gonna take this bottle and break it over his melon head. JACOB Before we stepped in here, you told all of us to be cool. That means you, too. SETH (tossing it off) I never said do what I do, I said do what I say. JACOB Are you so much a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won? Richard, Kate and Scott both turn to Jacob. Nobody can believe what he just said. Neither can Seth who calmly lays down his drinking glass. SETH What did you call me? JACOB Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again? Very well. Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? (pause) The entire state of Texas, along with the FBI, is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. They had every entrance to the border covered. There's no way you could get across. Did you? Yes, you did. You've won, Seth, enjoy it. Seth looks at Jacob, then picks up the bottle. SETH Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist. Jacob slides his empty glass over to Seth. Seth pours booze in Jacob's glass and his own. Both men pick up the glasses. SETH To your family. JACOB To yours. They both knock 'em back and slap the empty glasses down. JACOB Now, is your shit together? SETH Forever together. Seth turns to Scott. SETH In that camper out there I saw a guitar. I take it that's yours. SCOTT Yeah, it's mine. SETH Go out and bring it in. I feel a song coming on. CUT TO: Seth sitting at the table, playing guitar, singing Mexican songs. Some bikers, truckers, and whores have gathered around their table. Everyone's groovin'. Seth finishes the song. Everybody applauds. Razor Charlie behind the bar grabs the greasy microphone that he uses to announce dancers. RAZOR CHARLIE (announcer voice in Spanish) And now for your viewing pleasure. The Mistress of the Macabre. The Epitome of Evil. The most sinister woman to dance on the face of the earth. Lowly dogs, get on your knees, bow your heads and worship at the feet of SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM! The lights go down low. A light hits the stage. The opening notes of the Coaster's "Down in Mexico" fills the room. The crowd hushes up. And on the stage steps SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM. This Mexican goddess is beautiful, but not the beauty that Stendhal described in "As the Promise of Happiness," but the beauty of the siren who lures men to their doom. She dances to the raunchy music, not like she owned the stage, but like she owned the world. And if the patrons of the Titty Twister are her world, the world is proud to be her possession. All activity in the bar, save Santanico, stops. Even the Fuller/Gecko table falls under her spell. Especially Richard, Scott and Kate. Seth knows this song and accompanies from the table with the guitar. When the music builds to its explosive section. Santanico LEAPS from the stage, LANDING in the middle of the room. She does an eyes-closed voodoo dance in perfect step with the beat. As the music continues to play, a very fucked-up looking Chet Pussy walks in. He goes over to Razor Charlie and points at Seth's table, describing what happened. As the last verse plays, Santanico, like a snake, comes up from the ground, on top of the Fuller/Gecko table. Richard, Kate and Scott are enraptured. Santanico scans the table, zeroing in on our boy Richard. She STANDS OVER him. While moving her body to the music, she lifts up the whisky bottle from the table, and pours the whiskey down her leg. She lifts up her foot, with the whiskey dripping from her toes, and sticks it in Richard's face. SANTANICO (to Richard in Spanish) Drink up. Richie, mesmerized, sucks the whiskey off her toes. The CROWD GOES WILD. Santanico smiles, master of all she surveys. Jacob and Scott are embarrassed. Kate, oddly enough, is turned on by the controlling power this woman has over a man she's deathly feared. Seth laughs out loud a Mexican "yi yi yiii" laugh, keeping the beat with his guitar. Across the room, Razor Charlie, Chet by his side, motions over Big Emilio. He begins explaining with pointing what Seth and company did to Chet. Richard continues to suck her toes. The song ends, Santanico extracts her foot from Richard's mouth. Steps off the table. Takes a drink of whiskey. Looks down at the seated Richard. She GRABS the back of his hair, YANKS his head BACK. His mouth OPENS because she's hurting him. She LEANS her FACE OVER his like she's going to kiss him. Then let's the whiskey from her mouth fall into his. They never touch. The crowd applauds. She lets go of Richard's hair. Except for Jacob and Richard, both for their own reasons, the table applauds, none louder than Seth. SETH Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Now that's what I call a fuckin' show! One of Santanico's FLUNKIES brings the naked woman a robe, which she puts on. Richard, still in a daze, looks up at his new friend. SETH (snapping his fingers) Earth to Richie. Don't you wanna ask your new friend to join us? RICHARD Yeah. SETH Well, then ask her, dumb ass. RICHARD (looking up at Santanico) Por favor, Senorita. Would you care to join us? SANTANICO (to Richard) Muy bien, gracias. Santanico sits down next to Richie. Seth pours her a drink. SETH Richie, you lucky bastard! (to Santanico) Now, little lady, you could of just as easily done that to me. Who a Nelly! You got my dick harder 'n Chinese arithmetic. The table laughs. SETH Which reminds me of a joke. Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and she comes across Little Bo Peep, and Little Bo Peep says: "Little Red Riding Hood, are you crazy? Don't you know the Big Bad Wolf is walking these woods and if he finds you he's gonna pull down your dress and squeeze your titties?" Then Little Red Riding Hood hitches up her skirt and taps a .357 Magnum she has holstered on her thigh and says: "No he won't." As Seth tells his joke, Jacob notices Razor Charlie, Big Emilio and Chet moving rapidly towards their table. JACOB (to himself) Oh, shit. (to Seth) Seth -- Seth waves him away. SETH Not now. So finally she comes across the Big Bad Wolf and the Big Bad Wolf's laughing and says: "Little Red Riding Hood, you know better than to be walking around these woods alone. You know I'm just gonna have to pull down your dress and squeeze your titties." Then Little Red Riding Hood whips out her .357, cocks it, sticks it in the Big Bad Wolf's face and says: "No you won't. You're gonna eat me, just like the story says." Seth starts laughing at his own joke uproariously. Richard, Kate, Scott and Santanico join in too. Before Jacob can say anything -- The Titty Twister trio stand over the table. RAZOR CHARLIE (to Chet in Spanish) Which one? CHET (pointing at Seth) This piece of shit broke my finger and my nose... (pointing at Richard) then this fag kicked me in the ribs while I was down. That's all Big Emilio has to hear. BIG EMILIO (to The Gecko Brothers) Up! RICHARD Fuck off, ape man! Big Emilio leans in with his beefy hand, GRABS Richard by the shoulder. Richard lets out a howl as blood pours from his wounded shoulder. Santanico steps back from the table. Seth jumps to his feet and FIRES a round from his .45 into Big Emilio, sending his bullet-ridden body to the floor. Razor Charlie whips out a straight version of his name sake and SLASHES Seth across the face. Seth SCREAMS at the top of his lungs as his hand goes up to his laid open cheek. Richard, who has fallen to the ground holding his wound, brings up his .45 and starts BLASTING. Razor Charlie takes a bullet in the head, chest and belly before he hits the floor. Jacob and his children have hit the floor as well to stay out of gunfire. The bikers, truckers, waitresses and whores all stop what they were doing. The music continues to play, though the dancers stop dancing. Santanico, who's closest to the two brothers, smells something. Her NOSTRILS FLARE. Richard moves to his brother, who takes out a handkerchief and puts it to his face. RICHARD How are you? SETH Scarred for life, that's how I am! Seth looks up and sees Chet still standing there. SETH You thought it was pretty funny, didn't you? Both brothers FIRE on Chet. Chet's blown left... right... left... right... then drops, pointing their guns towards the crowd. SETH Everybody be cool, or you'll be just as dead as these fucks! SLOW MOTION: Blood drips down the side of Seth's face. SLOW MOTION: It splatters to the floor. The CAMERA scans the crowd. The patrons are scared, but the waitresses, whores and dancers lick their lips. SLOW MOTION: Blood drips from Richard's shoulder. It falls to the floor, splattering. WE MOVE INTO SANTANICO'S FACE. A special aroma fills her nostrils. Her eyes lock on Richard. The look on her face could easily be read as intense sexual desire. CLOSE-UP KATE ON FLOOR Looks up and watches, eyes wide with fear, Santanico's transformation. Her NOSE RECEDES INTO her face like a rodent's. The whites of her eyes turn YELLOW. The FANGS of a beast PROTRUDE from her mouth. Kate yells from the floor. KATE (yelling) Richie, look out! Before Richie can turn around. SANTANICO LEAPS ACROSS THE FLOOR, LANDS on his BACK and SINKS her FANGS into Richie's wounded SHOULDER. Richard LETS LOOSE with an agonizing SCREAM. Seth turns to his brother's cry. He sees SANTANICO PANDEMONIUM, like a mongoose attached to a cobra, legs wrapped around Richard's waist, fangs buried deep in his shoulder, and Richard screaming and slamming about, trying to knock her off. Richard screams to Seth: RICHARD Shoot her! Shoot her! Get her off! Seth tries to aim his gun, but there's too much movement. He can't get a clear shot. Jacob and his children can't believe what they're seeing. Richard can't take it anymore, his knees buckle. Santanico rides him down to the floor. Seth gets a clear shot, he takes aim and FIRES, hitting the vamp in the head, blowing her off his brother. Richard, who's on all fours, tries to stand and gets about half way before he stops, saying: RICHARD (with his dying breath) Fucking Bitch! He tumbles over, a corpse. SETH Richie. Suddenly, the eyes of Big Emilio, Razor Charlie and Chet Pussy pop open. The "dead" men sit up with evil grins on their faces. The patrons scream. A WHORE locks the front door (which is a complicated lock with steel rods going into the ground), turns toward the bar and yells: WHORE Dinner is served! The bikers and truckers who have been transfixed, watching the impossible, realize that the waitresses, naked dancers and whores who they were pawing just five minutes ago, have turned into yellow-eyed, razor-fanged, drool-dripping VAMPIRES. The vamps attack. What follows is a shark feeding frenzy. Whores, who had been sitting on customer's laps, sink their teeth into unshaven necks. Naked strippers and bikers wail the shit out of each other. Truckers get their heads caved in by women half their size. The patrons use what ever they can find to fend off the monsters: chairs, chair legs, broken bottles, switchblades, anything. Jacob, Kate and Scott make a dash and dive behind the bar. They hide and watch. Seth stands where his was, limp dick of a .45 in his hand, too freaked, scared and stunned to do anything. He stands motionless, watching what he can't believe. Behind him, Santanico, who lies next to the dead Richard, eyes POP OPEN. She RISES in her snake/dance way. Seth feels her and SPINS in her direction, gun raised. SANTANICO Let's see if you taste as good as your brother. She approaches Seth, who FIRES at her. BAM... BAM... BAM... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK... CLICK. She laughs and gives her hair a toss back. Seth, moving backwards, is terrified. Santanico gives Seth a SWINGING ROUND HOUSE PUNCH to the JAW, that sends him FLYING over a table, SLIDING ACROSS the FLOOR and INTO the WALL. A bad-ass biker named FROST, with a hideous burn on the side of his face, stands on top of a pool table, swinging a pool cue, left to right, fending off vamps. Big Emilio picks up a biker who stabbed him with a switchblade and throws the poor bastard from one end of the bar to the other. The biker-winner of the bare knuckle fight, SEX MACHINE, goes head to head with a stripper. The vamp might have superhuman strength, but Sex Machine has close to superhuman strength, and he's matching the vamp bitch blow for blow. Then he GRABS her by the waist, LIFTS her up over his head and BRINGS her DOWN HARD on an upturned table, IMPALING her on the wooden leg. FROST is still swinging his POOL CUE, when Razor Charlie appears, straight razor in hand. Frost JUMPS off the table to meet the challenge. Razor Charlie SWINGS at him, Frost LEAPS back, SWINGING his pool cue at him. They do this dance, till Frost CRACKS Charlie UPSIDE the HEAD with the pool cue, breaking it in half. Charlie FEELS the HIT. Frost PLUNGES the splintered end of the cue in Razor Charlie's heart. Green blood comes out of his chest, as Charlie screams the vampire's death scream. Seth comes to and finds Santanico standing over him. He tries to rise, but Santanico places her bare foot on his chest, pinning him down to the floor. He tries to move, but the pressure of her foot is equivalent to an engine block placed on his chest. SANTANICO I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me, You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery. SLOW MOTION: A WHISKEY BOTTLE FLIES THROUGH the AIR, sailing end over end. CLOSE-UP SANTANICO looking down at Seth, her face contorts to FEED MODE, when the bottle HITS her SQUARE in the HEAD, SHATTERING. We see that Jacob behind the bar threw it. Santanico, bathed in whiskey and broken glass, is momentarily dazed. She looks down at Seth. Seth sits up, .45 in hand, and fires. Santanico is HIT in the CHEST. The bullet from the gun makes the liquor-soaked robe ignite. Santanico SCREAMS as she GOES UP IN FLAMES. Big Emilio sees Santanico's fiery death. He lets out a cry. BIG EMILIO Noooooo! He turns his hateful gaze on the two humans. Seth and Jacob see Big Emilio zeroing in on them, then they see him move his big frame in their direction. Seth turns to Jacob. SETH We may be in trouble. Big Emilio walks steadily through the bar like Godzilla walks through Tokyo. Tipping over tables, knocking fighting vamps and humans alike on their asses on his way to stamp out Seth and Jacob. A TRUCKER JUMPS in his path to attack him, with a QUICK SWING of his hand the trucker is brushed aside, receiving a broken neck for the effort. Big Emilio never breaks his stride or takes his eyes off Seth and Jacob. Seth and Jacob both grab pieces of wood, holding it like a weapon, but the wood looks puny compared to their opponent. Big Emilio stands in front of them. The two men hold their wood tight. Fangs grow in Big Emilio's mouth that make him look like a huge walking shark. Just when Big Emilio's ready to strike, he hears behind him, VOICE (O.S.) Hey, you, monkey man! Big Emilio turns and sees Sex Machine across the room. SEX MACHINE Anything you gotta say to them, say to me first. Both Seth and Jacob ATTACK Big Emilio from behind. He effortlessly knocks them away. They both hit the ground. Sex Machine gestures with his hand to Big Emilio to "come ahead." Big Emilio CHARGES towards Sex Machine, like a runaway locomotive. Sex Machine stands his ground waiting for IMPACT. The two huge men COLLIDE. What follows is literally a war of the Gargantuans. The two mastiffs POUND each other till one buckles. Finally, the one who buckles first is Big Emilio, who HITS the floor. Once on the floor, Seth and Jacob, stand over the huge vamp, BEATING him with clubs and pipes, like L.A.'s finest. The vamp can do nothing except SQUIRM on the floor from the savage beating. SEX MACHINE That's enough. Jacob and Seth stop. Sex Machine holds a pool cue in his hand. He SNAPS off the end tip, making it jagged, and like a spear, STICKS it into big vamp's fallen body. Big Emilio, SCREAMS, TWITCHES and dies. The pool cue sticks out straight up from the dead vamp. Chet Pussy spies Ms. Apple Pie Pussy herself, Kate. He breaks into a lecherous grin and licks the blood from around his mouth. Kate and Scott are cowering behind the bar when Chet appears over the top. They both let out a scream. Scott goes to protect his sister and receives a punch in the face for his trouble. Chet dives at Kate. CHET You know what everybody says about me? I suck! Chet goes to bite Kate, grabbing at her t-shirt, and sees her crucifix. HE recoils backwards. Scott grabs hold of his head from behind. Kate jumps up from the floor, rips off her cross and grabs Chet by his beatnik beard, opening his mouth. She SHOVES the cross inside. Chet's eyes roll up back into his head. Scott SLAPS Chet hard on the back. GULP. Chet has swallowed the crucifix. A SIZZLING sound is heard moving down from his throat to his belly. He opens his mouth and lets out a noise similar to a train whistle. He jumps up from behind the bar, doing a wild dance from pain. He jumps from wall to wall and floor to ceiling, screaming all the while. Kate and Scott watch him from the bar, mischievous grins on their faces. Chet is on his knees, arms stretched out, yelling at the top of his lungs like a vamp King Lear. CHET I-AM-IN-AGONNNYYYY! Chet breaks off a chair leg, muttering to himself. CHET Stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain... He plunges the stake into his own heart, but instead of the vampire's cry that escapes from the others upon being staked, Chet lets out a sigh of relief. By this time there are not too many people left. Most of the vampire have been killed by wooden stakes and most of the customers have been butchered or drained. All that's left on the vampire side are two naked dancers and two whores. On the human side are Seth, Jacob and his kids, Sex Machine and Frost. Aside from the children, who are hiding behind the bar, all the humans are holding wooden stakes. The four human men group together. The four female vampires charge, teeth exposed, snarling and dripping with blood. Seth, Jacob, Sex Machine and Frost raise their weapons and slam, almost simultaneously, the four vamps. All four staked bodies hit the floor. Kate and Scott run from behind the bar to their father's side. They all stand looking at the horrible carnage that has taken place. The floor is littered with dead bodies. FROST Ain't they supposed to burn up or something? At that moment a bright flash ERUPTS, illuminating everyone's face. The sound of quick burning flames fills the air. Everybody shields their eyes from the intense light, which lasts only a split second. It vanishes, along with the bodies of the vampires. All that remains is a smoldering mess of goo where the bodies once lay. They all stare at the mess for a few seconds and then RUN for the door. It's locked. They BANG on the door, but it's useless. It ain't budging, yet they all go on banging. Except for Seth. He never ran for the door. He walks over to his dead brother's body and kneels beside it. He takes his dead hand. SETH Richie, I'm sorry I fucked things up. You'd really like it in El Ray. We'd find peace there. I love you little brother, I'll miss ya bad. Seth goes to kiss his brother's lips when, RICHARD 'S EYES POP OPEN. They're YELLOW. Seth RAISES his head in surprise. RICHARD I'm glad you feel that way, Seth. I love you, too. Richard GRABS Seth by the front of his shirt and pulls him down to him. Fangs are now exposed. Seth tries to pull away. He SCREAMS for the others to help. Richard PULLS Seth down to striking distance and opens his mouth to take the big bite, when Sex Machine grabs Seth from behind and YANKS him from Richard's grasp. Jacob, Frost and the kids have surrounded Richard and proceed to KICK him and STOMP his head. Sex Machine picks up a chair and SMASHES it against a wall. He picks up one of the chair legs and walks over to where the others are holding Richard down. Richard sees the wood in the biker's hand. He knows what that means. Seth whips out his .45 and points it at Sex Machine. SETH Touch my brother with that stake, biker, and vampires won't need to suck your blood, they'll be able to lick it up off the floor. SEX MACHINE He ain't your brother no more. SETH That's a matter of opinion, and I don't give a fuck about your's. Jacob, Frost and the kids continue to hold Richard down to the ground. JACOB Don't be an idiot, he'll kill us all! Seth aims his gun at the group. SETH Shut up! Richard's giggling. RICHARD Yeah, shut up. Seth, still holding the outstretched gun, takes the stake out of Sex Machine's hand. Seth lowers the .45. SETH Hold him down. The smile evaporates from Richard's face. SETH Richie, here's the peace in death I could never give you in life. Seth puts the stake over Richard's heart. Using the butt of his .45 like a hammer, he POUNDS the stake into Richard's heart. Richard screams and dies. They all stand around the body as it BURSTS INTO FLAMES and disintegrates into goo. Seth breaks away from the group and walks over to the bar. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and starts downing it. Kate, of all people, walks away from the group and joins Seth at the bar. KATE Are you okay? SETH Peachy! Why shouldn't I be? The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory. KATE I'm really sorry. SETH Bullshit! You hate us. If you had half a chance you'd feed us to them! JACOB Then why didn't I? Jacob walks over to Seth. JACOB I saved your life. I didn't have to, but I did. And I'm sorry you lost your brother. I'm sorry he's dead. I'm sorry everybody's dead. Now, if we're gonna get out of this we need each other. And we need you sober and thinking, not drunk and... As Jacob has been talking, a sound has started that has grown LOUDER and LOUDER. Jacob stops in mid-sentence to identify it. JACOB What the hell is that? FROST At first I just thought it was birds. SEX MACHINE No, it's more of a gnawing sound. Birds peck, they don't gnaw. Rats gnaw. Seth puts the bottle in his hand down. SETH It's bats. EXT. TITTY TWISTER - NIGHT The outside of the Titty Twister is literally covered with hats, CLAWING, FLAPPING, GNAWING, trying like hell to get inside. INT. TITTY TWISTER - NIGHT Everybody listens to the bats SCRATCHING and clawing all along the walls, the roof and at the front door. Everyone's scared shitless and nobody has the slightest idea what to do next. The door begins to crack and splinter, little claws poke their way through. JACOB Give me a hand! Jacob runs to a table top. He grabs it and covers the area the bats are trying to claw through. The others grab other items to help secure and barricade the door. As the survivors are panickedly boarding up the door and the windows, a DEAD BIKER that the vampires fed on, pops open his yellow eyes. He sits up and sees all the furious activity. Everyone's so busy they don't notice their new friend. The dead biker vamp sets his sights on Kate, who's putting a board into place. He springs to his feet and POUNCES on her, just as Sex Machine turns from across the room in her direction. SEX MACHINE Watch out, girly! The biker vamp GRABS Kate from behind. She lets out a scream. The vamp holds her close to him in a bear hug, but she's moving around so much he can't get a clear bite. The others hear the scream and look toward Kate. Sex Machine, Big Emilio's baseball bat in hand, is halfway to the rescue. As the biker vamp opens his mouth to take a juicy bite out of Kate's shoulder, Kate RAMS her head back, hitting the vamp in the mouth and breaking his fangs. He releases her and spits out his teeth just as Sex Machine runs up and SWINGS the baseball bat upside the vamp's head, breaking the bat in two and sending the vamp to the floor. As the vamp lies on the floor seeing stars, Sex Machine grabs one of the broken ends of the bat and SHOVES it in the vamp's heart. He dies and bursts into flames. At that point, three other dead victims rise to a sitting position. Sex Machine grabs a chair and THROWS it to the ground, breaking it. He grabs the four legs. SEX MACHINE (mumbling to himself) Goddamn fuckin' vampires. The biker has turned into Captain Sex Machine, Vampire Hunter. He stakes two of the vampires as they get to their feet. Both SPEW green blood, scream, die and burst into flames. The third, a trucker vampire wearing a cat cap, SMACKS Sex Machine in the mouth, which sends the biker for a loop. As CAT CAP runs toward the fallen Sex Machine, Kate JUMPS on his back from behind. Both of them go tumbling into a stack of whiskey cases. Sex Machine runs over and grabs Kate by the hand, pulling her up and out of the way. Cat Cap is lying in a pile of broken bottles and whiskey. Sex Machine raises his stake as Cat Cap dies and DRIVES it in the vamp's black heart. Cat Cap dies and bursts into flames, which hits the whiskey, starting a giant fire. SEX MACHINE Fire! Frost and Jacob stop barricading and run to the fire. FROST (to Sex Machine) We'll put this out. You stake the rest of these fuckers. SEX MACHINE Way ahead of ya. (to Kate) What's your name, girly? KATE Kate, what's yours? SEX MACHINE Sex Machine. Pleased to meet'cha. Kate, let's stake these blood-sucker fuckers. Kate and Sex Machine give each other a high five and go to work STAKING the dead bodies. Jacob and FROST beat down the fire with their jackets and whatever else is at hand. A hole begins to appear where a window had been plastered over. Little claws scrape their way through. Scott stands in front of the window. SCOTT (yelling) We got a problem! Seth, who is barricading doors and window, looks in Scott's direction. The hole in the plaster cracks open and out POPS a little, fleshy vampire bat/rat head. The bat/rat, which is SQUEAKING and HISSING its head off, tries to SQUEEZE its body through the newly formed hole. Seth, gun in hand, RUNS to the window. He points the .45, point-blank range at the head of the bat/rat. The bat/rat sees this, makes an "oh shit" face, and YANKS his head back through the hole. Seth was ready to fire, he lowers his gun in bewilderment, when... WHAM ! The bat/rat BURSTS through the hole, like shot out of a cannon, HITTING Seth in the gut and sending him FLYING, LANDING HARD on his back. Once Seth hits the ground, the bat-thing (which has the body of a fat rat with a bat's large wingspan) lickity-split RUNS UP Seth's body to his juggler. Seth's hand GRABS the bat's neck, and tries to PUSH it away. But the bat-thing has its CLAWS DUG in Seth's clothes. The bat-thing is just inches from Seth's face. Its mouth is SNAPPING. SETH Get this bastard off of me! Frost leaves Jacob with the fire, comes from behind and GRABS the bat-thing and YANKS it off of Seth. Sex Machine and Kate are a green, bloody mess from their preventative staking of dead bodies. Sex Machine kneels by a dead body, raising the stake in his hand to spear him. The body SPRINGS UP and bites Sex Machine on the arm. Red blood squirts all over. Sex Machine screams, then brings the stake down in the body's chest. It dies, burns and turns into goo. Sex Machine holds his bit arm and wraps it with a piece of his shirt. He quickly looks around to see if anybody saw him get bit. Nobody saw it, everybody was too busy. Frost holds the FLAPPING, FIGHTING, SNAPPING bat-thing in front of him at arm's length. He struggles with it for a while, then... BASHES its head against the bar. The first bash takes some fight out of the little fucker, so... Frost BASHES his head against the bar six or seven times. He then THROWS the bat-thing on the bar, turns it over, garbs a pencil in a cup next to the register, and RAMS it in the bat-thing's heart. The bat-thing coughs and dies. There's a FLASH of FLAMES, followed by a pile of goo. Sex Machine and Kate have covered up a hole in the plastered window with a table while Frost, Scott and Seth wrestle with the bat-thing. Jacob has put out the fire. Everybody comes together, exhausted, and takes a breather. Outside, the bats continue to try and claw their way in. JACOB Is everybody okay? Everyone mutters "yeah." JACOB Okay, does anybody here know what's going on? SETH Yeah, I know what's going on. We got a bunch of fuckin' vampires outside trying to get inside and suck our fuckin' blood! That's it, plain and simple. And I don't wanna hear any bullshit about "I don't believe in vampires" because I don't fuckin' believe in vampires either. But I do believe in my own two fuckin' eyes, and with my two eyes I saw fuckin' vampires! Now, does everybody agree we're dealin' with vampires. Everybody agrees. SETH You too, preacher? JACOB I'm like you. I don't believe in vampires, but I believe in what I saw. SETH Good for you. Now, since we all believe we're dealing with vampires, what do we know about vampires? Crosses hurt vampires. Do you have a cross? JACOB In the Winnebago. SETH In other words, no. SCOTT What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross. SEX MACHINE He's right. Peter Cushing does that all the time. SETH I don't know about that. In order for it to have any power, I think it's gotta be an official crucifix. JACOB What's an official cross? Some piece of tin made in Taiwan? What makes that official? If a cross works against vampires, it's not the cross itself, it's what the cross represents. The cross is a symbol of holiness. SETH Okay, I'll buy that. So we got crosses covered, moving right along, what else? FROST Wooden stakes in the heart been workin' pretty good so far. SEX MACHINE Garlic, holy water, sunlight... I forget, does silver do anything to a vampire? SCOTT That's werewolves. SEX MACHINE I know silver bullets are werewolves. But I'm pretty sure silver has some sort of effect on vampires. KATE Does anybody have any silver? ALL No. KATE Then who cares? SCOTT When's sunrise? Jacob looks at his watch. JACOB About two hours from now. KATE So all we have to do is get by for a few more hours and then we can walk right out the front door. SEX MACHINE Yeah, that's true, but I doubt our barricades, that door, those plastered windows and these walls will last two more hours with those bat fucks fuckin' with 'em. JACOB Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book. SEX MACHINE You mean like a Time-Life book? Everybody laughs. FROST (in a cowboy voice) John Wesley Hardin, so mean he once shot a man for snorin'. JACOB I take it the answer's no. Okay then, what do we know about these vampires? SETH Aside from they're thirsty. FROST Well, one thing, they might got super human strength, but you can hurt 'em. JACOB Yeah, that bottle upside the head of Santanico didn't kill her, but it didn't feel too good either. SEX MACHINE Another thing, you try and ram a broken chair leg in a human, you better be one strong son-of-a-bitch. The human body is one rough-tough machine. But these vamps got soft bodies. The texture of their skin is softer, mushier. You can push shit right through 'em. Conceivably, if you hit one hard enough, you could take their fuckin' head off. SCOTT You could take their head off. SETH Actually, our best weapon against these satanic cocksuckers is this man. (he points at Jacob) He's a preacher. Frost and Sex Machine look toward Jacob. SETH As far as God's concerned, we might just as well be a piece of fuckin' shit. But he's one of the boys. Only one problem, his faith ain't what it used to be. Jacob PUNCHES Seth in the mouth, sending him to the floor. Jacob stands over him. JACOB I've had enough of your taunts. Seth looks up from the floor. SETH I'm not taunting you. We need you. A faithless preacher doesn't mean shit to us. But a man who's a servant of God can grab a cross, shove it in these monsters' asses. A servant of God can bless the tap water and turn it into a weapon. Seth rises. SETH I know why you lost your faith. How could true holiness exist if your wife can be taken away from you and your children? Now, I always said God can kiss my fuckin' ass. Well, I changed my lifetime tune about thirty minutes ago' cause I know, without a doubt, what's out there trying to get in here is pure evil straight from hell. And if there is a hell, and those monsters are from it, there's got to be a heaven. Now which are you, a faithless preacher or a mean, mother fuckin' servant of God? Jacob has to laugh at that. So does everybody else. Jacob sticks out his hand and shakes Seth's. JACOB I'm a mean, mother fucking servant of God. The laughter and good humor passes quickly and the only sound to be heard is that of the bats gnawing and clawing. It immediately reminds the group of the deep, deep shit they're in. KATE I don't know if I can take two hours of that noise. FROST You can. You'll take it 'cause ya got no choice. How'd ya like twenty four hours of it, lying in a muddy ditch with only the rotting corpses of your friends to keep you company? JACOB What are you talking about? FROST Back in '72 I was in Nam, trapped behind enemy lines, lying in a rat hole with my entire squad dead. They thought they killed everybody, and except for me, they were right. But it wasn't for lack of trying. A grenade blew up right next to me, that's why I'm so pretty. They thought I was dead, so I played dead. They dumped all the bodies in a ditch. All I could do was lie there playing possum. Dead bodies under me, dead bodies on top of me, listening to the enemy laugh and joke hour after hour after hour... As Frost goes into his monologue, the sound fades out and the camera moves to Sex Machine. He's having a hot flash. He can't hear anything. He's looking at Frost speaking, but he doesn't hear any sound. Then he hears a deep, MALE VOICE say: MALE VOICE (V.O.) Thirst. "Who the fuck was that?" he thinks to himself. He turns around: nobody's there. No one else in the group seems to hear it, A FEMALE VOICE seductively says: FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) Thirst. We hear Sex Machine's thought in a voice answer. SEX MACHINE (V.O.) Stop fucking saying that! TWO MALE VOICES (V.O.) Thirst! SEX MACHINE (V.O.) That bite weren't nothin'. It just hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, that's all. It barely punched the skin. Sex Machine looks at Frost, who's acting out his story. The biker is pantomiming fighting and slashing. He's describing all the while, but we can't hear anything. All we hear are many voices, male, female, children saying: VOICES (V.O.) Thirst... Thirst... Thirst... Sex Machine begins looking at the other members of the group in a thirsty way. He stares at each of their necks, closer and closer until he can see the veins on Frost's neck actually pulsating, throbbing, beckoning to him. Sex Machine has turned into a vampire. The sound comes back as Frost finishes his story. FROST ...and then when I came back to my senses, I realized I had killed the entire V.C. squadron single handedly. My bayonet had blood and chunks of yellow flesh on it like some cannibal shish kabob. And to this day I don't have the slightest idea how I -- Sex Machine lets out a hideous cry. SEX MACHINE THIRST! Frost SCREAMS as Sex Machine grabs hold of him and BITES into his neck. The group tries to PULL the TWO men apart. Jacob gets his arm around Sex Machine's neck and tries pulling. Sex Machine takes his teeth out of the biker's neck and SINKS them in Jacob's arm. Jacob SCREAMS and lets go. Seth, Kate and Scott react to Jacob being bit. Sex Machine GRABS Jacob and TOSSES him effortlessly over the bar, CRASHING into a shelf full of liquor bottles. Frost HOPS around the room, mad as a hornet, holding his bleeding neck. FROST I been bit! He fuckin' bit me! Sex Machine PUNCHES Seth in the face, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. He smacks the shit out of Kate. She goes FLYING into a table. Sex Machine turns, seeing Frost breaking off a big table leg. Frost looks at the big vamp. FROST (to Sex Machine) You're dead, mother fucker! You're gonna bite me! You just turned me into a vampire, asshole! SEX MACHINE What are you gonna do about it? Frost, table leg in hand, RUNS, SCREAMING his head off, straight at Sex Machine. Sex Machine's nostrils flare. He raises his meaty fist and pulls it back, so he can really haul off. Frost, top speed, stake raised, screaming. Sex Machine lets loose with his punch, Seth, Scott and Kate look up from the floor. Jacob rises from behind the bar. Frost's face COLLIDES with Sex Machine's fist. Sex Machine hits Frost so hard it lifts the biker off the ground and propels him through the air. Seth sees where Frost is heading and says: SETH Oh shit! Jacob sees. JACOB Good lord! Frost, in mid-air, HITS the barricaded, plastered overwindow and CRASHES through it. Sex Machine lets loose with a maniacal laugh. Hundreds of bat-things fly into the bar. Seth grabs the two kids by the hand and runs for the backroom. Behind the bar, Jacob grabs two pieces of wood from off the ground. Ten bat-things are in hot pursuit of Seth, Kate and Scott, who are RUNNING for their lives. They get to the door of the back room, whip it open, dive in and SLAM it behind them. An ugly, fleshy bat-thing manges to get its head caught in the door as it closes. Kate and Scott PUSH on the door as hard as they can. The bat-thing's head, which is inside, screams, howls and snaps in fury. Seth turns toward the bat/vamp in the door. He sticks his .45 in its big mouth. SETH You wanna suck something, suck on this! He FIRES four shots that blow the bat vamp's head all over the wall. Kate yells: KATE We have to go back for Daddy! SETH Daddy's dead. KATE Noooo! She spins and grabs the door knob, ready to fling the door and help her father. Scott grabs her and pushes her up against the wall. SCOTT He's right, Kate. Daddy's dead! He was too far away. If flinging that door and filling this room with those bat-things would save him, I'd fling it. The only thing it'll do is turn us into one of them. SETH He needs our help! SCOTT He's beyond our help. You saw him get bit. I saw him get bit. We all saw it. You can't help him. I've got no one left to lose but you. I can't be alone again. We're sticking together. Just then they hear Jacob's voice BOOMING from the bar room. INT. BAR ROOM - NIGHT Jacob, holding a cross made out of two sticks and reciting appropriate verse from the bible, is keeping the vampires at bay. But, as Seth predicted, it is the shining power of his restored faith that is his mightiest weapon. Jacob is making his way through the vampires, toward the back door. A lot of the bats have transformed into bat/devil/human creatures. The creatures stand at the edge of Jacob's force field of holiness. Many bat things fly around the bar like mad, whirling dervishes. A cluster of bat-things over above and in front of Jacob. They all growl and hiss at the man of god. For every one step forward Jacob takes, the vampire stake one step back. Jacob recites the verse from the bible in a threatening, mean, mother fucking, servant of god tone. As he speaks with authority and strength, he sees Frost lying on the ground, bat-things on him like ants on a candy bar. But Jacob is too much in control to let even this repugnant sight trip him up. Jacob has backed himself up by the door. JACOB Open the door. The door FLIES open. Jacob jumps inside. The door SLAMS shut. Jacob hugs daughter and son. As he hugs them, we see his bloody arm. When he releases them, they can't help but notice. SETH Did he...? JACOB Yep. Seth explodes, knocking over boxes, busting chairs, tipping over tables and cussing a blue streak. SETH Fuck, piss, shit! Mother fuckin' vampires! Mother fuckin' vampires! Goddamn mother fuckin' vampires! Seth runs over to the barricaded door and yells to the creatures on the other side. SETH You all are gonna fuckin' die! I'm gonna fuckin' kill every last one of you godless pieces of shit! JACOB (to Seth) You bet your sweet ass you are, and I'm gonna help you do it. But we ain't got much time. Kate is crying, she knows what's happened to her father. KATE You're gonna be okay, aren't you, daddy? JACOB No, I'm not. I've been bit. In effect, I'm already dead. Scott and Kate, crying, grab their father and hold on for dear life. Jacob wants to cry, but if he breaks down, the kids will never have the courage for what they must do. JACOB (to his children) Children, listen to me. I love you two more than anybody. And I just want you to know you've made me proud all your lives. But never more so than tonight. And I wish we could sit here and cry till I pass on, but we can't. Because I'm not going to pass on. I'm going to turn into a monster. And when I do, I'm going to be dangerous. But before that happens, just know I love you. (to Seth and the kids) Now, I'd say in the next twenty or thirty minutes our friends outside will bust in this door. And I'll probably turn into a vampire within the hour. Now, you have two choices. You can wait for me to turn, then deal with me, then wait for them to burst inside here and the three of you will deal with them. Or, we can kick open that door and the four of us can hit 'em with everything we have, and carve a path right through 'em to front entrance. But if we're gonna go at 'em, we gotta go at 'em now. I confused them, I scared them, I took them off guard. But they're going to get unconfused, they're going to get unscared, they're going to get together and they're going to hit that door like a ton of bricks. And when that moment arrives, we gotta be ready. Jacob sees that the back room is pretty damn big and filled with boxes and crates. JACOB What's this stuff? SETH My guess is that this little dive's been feeding on nomad road waifs like bikers and truckers for a longtime. This is probably some of the shipments they stole off the trucks. JACOB Well, I say lets tear this place apart for weapons. So when they burst through that door, we'll make 'em wish they never did. SETH I don't give a shit about living or dying anymore. I just want to send as many of these devils back to hell as I can. JACOB Amen. MONTAGE The survivors are opening boxes and prying open crates. A lot of what they find is bullshit. Pantyhose, coffee, teddy bears, etc. But a few of the boxes are just what the doctor ordered. Cases from a sporting good supplier yield a shipment of baseball bats. Meant to arrive at toy stores are a shipment of Uzi replica squirt guns and a box of balloons. And captured en route to a hardware store are shipments of power tools, saws and jack hammers. Seth and Scott saw the bats into wooden stakes. Kate fills the Uzi squirt guns with tap water from the backroom sink. Jacob, with Seth's knife, etches a cross into every bullet in the .45 automatic's last full clip of ammo. Vampires all start converging on the back room door, getting their courage back. Kate makes water balloons. Scott sharpens the stakes to a point with the tools. Seth attaches a wooden stake to the end of a jackhammer. Jacob blesses the water in the squirt guns and balloons, turning it into holy water. Our heroes work together, preparing for the battle to come. The back room door, barricaded with crates and boxes, begins to be pounded on by the undead on the other side. The room tone is a combination of chewing, scratching, pounding, squeaking and screaming. Finally they're ready. Jacob turns to his kids. JACOB Before we go any further, I need you three to promise me something. I'll fight with you to the bitter end, but when I turn into one of them, I won't be Jacob anymore. I'll be a lap dog of Satan. I want you three to promise you'll take me down, no different from the rest. The kids can't say the words. SETH I promise. JACOB Kate, Scott? KATE I promise. JACOB Scott? SCOTT Yeah, I promise. Jacob doesn't believe them. JACOB Why don't I believe you? (he picks up the .45) I'm gonna ask you two again, then I want you to swear to God that you'll kill me. If you don't, I'm gonna just kill myself right now. Now, since you need me I think you better swear. Kate, do you swear to God that when I turn into one of the undead, you'll kill me? Kate doesn't answer. Jacob places the .45 barrel against his temple. JACOB Kate, we don't have all day, so I'm only gonna count to five. One...two... three... four... KATE Okay, okay, I promise I'll do it! JACOB Not good enough, swear to God. KATE I swear to God, our father, that when you change into one of the undead, I will kill you. JACOB Good girl. Now, Scott, we have even less time, so I'm only giving you the count of three. One... SCOTT You don't believe in suicide. JACOB It's not suicide if you're already dead. Two... SCOTT Okay, I'll kill you when you change, I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name. JACOB Thank you, son. SETH Okay, vampire killers, let's kill some fuckin' vampires. INT. BARROOM - NIGHT The vampires, bat-things and what have you, start BREAKING down the door. They are in a mad frenzy. They burst through the door. Waiting for them are Scott and Kate holding Uzi squirt guns and water balloons draped down their chests on a belt like grenades. Jacob is holding a cross made of sharp wooden stakes and the .45 with the cross bullets. Seth is holding the jackhammer. The survivors walk out of the back room into the bar. The vamps back up, letting them inside. What we have here is a Mexican standoff, a la "The Wild Bunch." A moment of peace before the battle. The vamps just watch the humans. The humans just watch the vamps. Then, like the bull in the china shop, Seth ends the peace by starting up the jackhammer. SETH Kill 'em all! Jacob holds up the cross, the vamps react. The kids SPRAY the crowd with UZI fire, burning vampire flesh. The pack of vamps retreat while the Fuller squad walk forward. They are attacked on all sides, but they keep moving towards the door. Seth slams the stakes into several of the vamps, it speeds in and out of vampire chests, each time spraying him in green vamp blood. Jacob shoves his cross stake into a vampire with one hand and SHOOTS three vampires with blessed bullets with the other. Flame BURSTS from the vampires' chests when the bullets hit. Kate and Scott both whip water balloons off their belts and toss them into the crowd. They burst and FRY several of the vamps, who fall, screaming in pain. From its perch on a wood ceiling beam, a bat-thing drops and HURLS toward the group. Jacob sees it, raises his gun and FIRES. The bat-thing bursts into a ball of screaming fire. Seth continues carving a path to the front door by slamming the hammer stake into vampire chests. The front door is barricaded again by a big table and other junk. SCOTT (yelling) Why did they block the door again? JACOB (yelling) To keep the daylight out! This is where they sleep! Get to the door! Seth tries to get to the front door, when Sex Machine, now a half bat, half devil vamp, about six foot seven, drops from above in front of him. Seth RAMS the stake in its chest. The Sex Machine-thing screams out, LIFTING the hammer and Seth off the ground. Seth is thrown from his hold on the hammer across the room, he CRASHES into a table. The Sex Machine-thing falls back with the jackhammer sticking out of his chest, dead. Kate, spraying Uzi fire like Rambo, sees Seth fall. She screams: KATE Seth! Seth quickly gets up to find himself surrounded by vampires on all sides. With no weapons, he puts up on dukes. SETH Okay, dead boys, come on! Take a bite and feel all right! Kate clusters with her father and Scott. KATE (yelling) I'm going for 'em! JACOB No! KATE Everybody goes home! Kate turns into a squirt gun firing, water-balloon throwing, one-woman army, as she breaks from her father and heads in Seth's direction. KATE (screaming) Die, monster, die! Die, monster, die! Kate mows down the group by Seth, they lie on the floor, burning in agony. Kate takes Seth's hand and gives him a couple of water balloons and a stake. KATE (to Seth) Watch my back! SETH Anytime. Cutting through vampires, the two make their way across the bar. Jacob, firing the .45, takes out several more vampires in fiery death. Scott fires the Uzi and chucks more water balloons. As Jacob fights, all of a sudden the sound goes out. He can't hear anything. He wonders if he's gone deaf. He starts to hear the words: "Thirst, thirst, thirst." He notices the vampires have stopped attacking him. They look at him wit happy smiles on their devilish faces. Fangs begin to grow. His eyes are yellow. Scott turns to his dad. He sees his father is a monster. Jacob, with a devilish grin on his face, GRABS Scott and sinks his teeth into Scott's forearm. Scott screams bloody murder as his dad begins to drain him of blood. Scott takes one of the water balloons he's wearing and SMASHES it against Jacob's head. The holy water melts half of Jacob's face away. He lets go of Scott, screaming, and drops the .45 on the floor. Scott drops to the ground, picking up the gun. He brings it up to fire. A totally evil Jacob, with only half a face, matches stares with the boy he once called his son. Scott's eyes turn to steel. SCOTT I swear to God, in Jesus Christ's name. He FIRES, sending a holy bullet into Jacob's forehead, creating a hole from which fire shoots out. Jacob's entire head bursts into flames, then explodes. From across the room, Fate sees her daddy ignite. She cries out. In the thick of the battle, Seth yells: SETH Fight now, cry later. Kate takes his advice and hits a vamp square in the face with a holy water balloon, which melts his head. A bat-thing lands on the back of Scott's neck. He screams as it bites into him. He drops the .45. Kate sees Scott get bit. KATE Oh my god. Another bat-thing lands on Scott's arm and takes a bite. Scott screams. KATE You bastards! She goes to spray them when her Uzi runs out of water. Now seven bat-things are on Scott biting and sucking blood. Scott is in agony. SCOTT Kill me, Kate! Kate runs for her brother, does a DIVE and a ROLL, coming up by the .45, SNATCHING it in one motion and FIRING three times. One... two... three bat-things are hit, shoot flames, then all of them EXPLODE, BLOWING UP Scott. The remaining vamps approach. All the humans have left is a few bullets and one holy balloon. SETH How many bullets left, kid? KATE Not many. SETH Well, when you run out of weapons, just start cold cocking 'em. Make 'em sing for their supper. The two survivors are backed up against a wall. Two bat things do a Kamikaze dive from the air toward Seth. Seth throws the holy balloon at them. Direct hit. The two bat-things burst into flames and spiral to the floor. The two survivors look at the vampires, who stand before them. A moment of stillness before the attack. Kate stands holding the .45, arm outstretched. KATE (to Seth) Should I use the last bullets on us? SETH You use 'em on the first couple of these parasites that try to bite you. The vamps begins to close in. Kate lines up the .45 sights on the face of an approaching vampire. Seth holds the Uzi like a club, ready to bash in the first vampire's head that gets in swinging distance. Beams of sunlight shoot through the holes that Kate shot through the wall. Approaching vampires burn. The scorched vamps scream like they've never screamed before. SETH Shoot more holes! Kate turns away from the vamps and shoots holes in the wall behind him, Daylight comes through, providing Kate and Seth with a safe, lighted area. The .45's empty. The vamps hiss and scream at the frustration of not being able to get at them. The two survivors hold hands, when... All of a sudden the door to the Titty Twister is pounded on from the outside. The vamps look towards it in horror. From the other side of the door, we hear a voice with a Spanish accent. VOICE (O.S.) (in Spanish) I'm looking for my friend. Is Seth in there? SETH (yelling) Carlos! (in Spanish) Help us, bash the door. Bash the door in! CARLOS (O.S.) (in Spanish) Danny, Manny, knock down the door. Hurry, hurry! The vamps are totally fucking freaked out! They run and fly around the bar in a panic. Crying, howling, grabbing onto each other. The front door is TORN apart from shotgun fir coming from the outside, punching holes the size of basketballs in the door. The table in front of the door gives and FALLS forward. The door caves in and sunlight invades the bar. Many vamps are instantly fried, bursting into flames. The Mexican gangster CARLSO and his two henchmen, DANNY and MANNY, are horrified at what they see. They cross themselves in fright. Vampires search for dark corners, but all is lost. Sunlight hits a mirrored ball attached to the ceiling, sending hundreds of beams of sunlight scattering through the room. Vamps try and dodge the beams. No dice. All around the vamps combust in fiery explosions. The Titty Twister is now on fire, burning out of control. Seth and Kate run through the building and leap through the door into the parking lot. EXT. TITTY TWISTER PARKING LOT - MORNING Carlos, Danny and Manny help them to their feet and walk them away from the blazing bar. They catch their breath by Carlos's Mercedes. CARLOS (to Seth) What the fuck was going on in there? Seth signals Carlos to wait a minute while he catches his breath. Then he hauls off and PUNCHES Carlos square in the kisser. Danny and Manny aim their shotguns at Seth. CARLOS (in Spanish) Whatsamatter with you? Are you crazy? SETH Why the fuck, outta all the god forsaken shit holes in Mexico, did you have us rendezvous at that place? CARLOS I don't know, one place's as good as another. SETH Have you ever been there before? CARLOS No, but I passed by it a couple of times. It's out in the middle of nowhere. It seems like a rowdy place, so there wouldn't be a lot of police. And it's open from dusk till dawn. You said meet you in the morning. SETH Well, because you picked that place out of a hat, my brother's dead now. And this girl's family's dead. Carlos stands up again. CARLOS I'm sorry to hear that. What were they, psychos? SETH Did they look like psychos? They were fuckin' vampires. Psychos don't explode when sunlight hits 'em, I don't care how crazy they are. Danny and Manny react to the vampire news by crossing themselves again. CARLOS Oh, Seth, how can I ever make it up to you? SETH You can't, but fifteen percent instead of thirty for my stay at El Ray is a good start. CARLOS Twenty-eight. SETH Jesus Christ, Carlos, my brother's dead and he's not coming back, and it's all your fault. Twenty. They look at each other, then shake hands, saying in unison. SETH AND CARLOS (in Spanish) Twenty-five. Seth gets the suitcase and gives Carlos 25%. Seth walks over to a red 1990 Porsche 911. CARLOS You like the car? SETH I said new, this is an '90. CARLOS It's hardly been used at all. I got it from a drug dealer who only drove it 5 times in as many years. Swear to God. That's like new. SETH So do I just follow you? CARLOS Yeah, follow us. SETH So let's do it. CARLOS (to Danny and Manny) Vamanos! Carlos, Danny and Manny pile into Carlo's white Mercedes. Seth by his Porsche, looks back at Kate. Kate stands alone. The whole desert seems between them. So much to say ... but no words. SETH I'm sorry. KATE Me too. Long pause. SETH See ya. KATE Later. Seth turns his back on her. Just as he opens the door, Kate says behind him: KATE (O.S.) Seth. Seth turns around. KATE You want some company? Seth smiles. SETH Kate honey, I may be a bastard. But I'm not a fuckin' bastard. He blows her a kiss across the desert. She blows one back. Seth's in his car and GONE. Kate turns around, faces endless desert before her, and begins her long walk home. THEME OF MOVIE BEGINS POUNDING THE END

FROZEN Written by Jennifer Lee Final Shooting Draft 9/23/13 OPEN ON: ICE. We're underwater looking up at it. A saw cuts through, heading right for us. EXT. SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS -- DUSK ICE HARVESTERS, dressed in traditional Sami clothing, score a frozen lake. They SING. "The Frozen Heart (Ice Worker's Song)" ICE HARVESTERS BORN OF COLD AND WINTER AIR AND MOUNTAIN RAIN COMBINING, THIS ICY FORCE BOTH FOUL AND FAIR HAS A FROZEN HEART WORTH MINING. The men drag giant ice blocks through channels of water. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) CUT THROUGH THE HEART, COLD AND CLEAR. STRIKE FOR LOVE AND STRIKE FOR FEAR. SEE THE BEAUTY SHARP AND SHEER. SPLIT THE ICE APART! AND BREAK THE FROZEN HEART. Hup! Ho! Watch your step! Let it go! A young Sami boy, KRISTOFF (8), and his reindeer calf, SVEN, share a carrot as they try to keep up with the men. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) Hup! Ho! Watch your step! Let it go! Young Kristoff struggles to get a block of ice out of the water. He fails, ends up soaked. Sven licks his wet cheek. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) BEAUTIFUL! POWERFUL! DANGEROUS! COLD! ICE HAS A MAGIC CAN'T BE CONTROLLED. A sharp ice floe overtakes the workers, threateningly. They fight it back. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) STRONGER THAN ONE, STRONGER THAN TEN STRONGER THAN A HUNDRED MEN! Massive fjord horses drag heavy ice plows. 2 FROZEN - J. Lee ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) BORN OF COLD AND WINTER AIR AND MOUNTAIN RAIN COMBINING The sun sets. Lanterns are lit. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) THIS ICY FORCE BOTH FOUL AND FAIR HAS A FROZEN HEART WORTH MINING. CUT THROUGH THE HEART, COLD AND CLEAR. In the dark, Kristoff and Sven finally manage to get a single block of ice out of the water. ICE HARVESTERS (CONT'D) STRIKE FOR LOVE AND STRIKE FOR FEAR. THERE'S BEAUTY AND THERE'S DANGER HERE. SPLIT THE ICE APART! BEWARE THE FROZEN HEART. The workers pile onto the giant horse-drawn ice sled as it pulls away. Left behind, Kristoff and Sven push their ice block onto a dinky little sled then head off. We sweep up from them to the Northern Lights filling the sky...then move across the mountains...beneath the snowline...and descend upon... EXT. THE KINGDOM OF ARENDELLE -- NIGHT A humble castle, built of wood, nestled in a deep fjord. INT. CASTLE, NURSERY -- NIGHT ELSA (8) sleeps in her bed. Her little sister ANNA (5) pops up beside her. YOUNG ANNA Elsa. Psst. Elsa! Psst. Elsa doesn't stir. Anna sits on Elsa and bounces. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. YOUNG ELSA (grumbling) Anna, go back to sleep. Anna rolls onto her back and spreads all her weight on Elsa. 3 FROZEN - J. Lee YOUNG ANNA (drama queen-ish) I just can't. The sky's awake, so I'm awake, so we have to play. YOUNG ELSA ...Go play by yourself. Elsa shoves Anna off the bed. Anna lands butt to floor, sighs, defeated. But then she gets an idea. She hops back on the bed and lifts one of Elsa's eyelids. YOUNG ANNA (mischievously) Do you want to build a snowman? Elsa's eyes both pop open. She smiles. INT. CASTLE STAIRCASE -- NIGHT Anna, now wearing snow boots, pulls Elsa by the hand. YOUNG ANNA Come on, come on, come on, come on. Elsa tries to shush her, but Anna's too excited. INT. BALLROOM -- NIGHT The girls sneak into the ballroom. Elsa shuts the door. YOUNG ANNA Do the magic! Do the magic! Elsa laughs and waves her hands together. Snowflakes suddenly burst forth and dance between her palms, forming a snowball. Elsa throws the snowball high into the air. Snow bursts out and flurries around the room. Anna dances about, catching flakes in her palms and mouth. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) This is amazing! YOUNG ELSA Watch this! Elsa stomps her little slippered foot and a layer of ice suddenly coats the floor, forming a giant ice rink. Anna slides off, laughing. 4 FROZEN - J. Lee PLAY MONTAGE: -Anna and Elsa roll giant snowballs and build a snowman together. Elsa moves his stick arms around. YOUNG ELSA (CONT'D) (goofy voice) Hi, I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs. Anna jumps up and hugs him. YOUNG ANNA I love you, Olaf. -Anna and Olaf appear to be dancing. REVEAL: Elsa is actually propelling them across the ice floor with her magic. -The girls slide down snowbanks together! -Anna fearlessly jumps off a snow peak into mid air. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) Catch me! Elsa makes another peak to catch Anna. YOUNG ELSA Gotcha! Anna keeps jumping. Elsa keeps casting magic. YOUNG ANNA (jumping faster) Again! Again! YOUNG ELSA (struggling to keep up) Slow down! Elsa suddenly slips. Her magic accidentally STRIKES Anna in the head. Anna tumbles down a snowbank and lands, unconscious. YOUNG ELSA (CONT'D) ANNA! Elsa runs to Anna and takes her in her arms. A streak of Anna's hair, where struck, turns white. YOUNG ELSA (CONT'D) MAMA! PAPA! The room around them fills with frightening ice spikes. 5 FROZEN - J. Lee The parents burst through the frozen door. GASP at the sight of the room. KING Elsa, what have you done? This is getting out of hand! QUEEN (seeing Anna) Anna! The King and Queen rush to Anna and take her in their arms. ELSA It was an accident. I'm sorry, Anna. QUEEN (about Anna) She's ice cold. KING ...I know where we have to go. SLAM CUT TO: INT. DARK ROOM -- NIGHT The King sifts through a shelf to find an ancient book inscribed with Old Norse runes. He opens the book, scrambles to a page with an ancient map. EXT. ARENDELLE -- NIGHT Carrying the girls, the King and Queen ride their horses out of the kingdom. Snow streams from Elsa's hands, leaving a trail of ice behind them. EXT. FJORD MOUNTAIN FOREST -- NIGHT A sleepy Kristoff and Sven travel alone through the dark woods. All of a sudden, the King and Queen race by with the girls, leaving the wake of ice. KRISTOFF Ice? SLAM CUT TO: 6 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. BLACK MOUNTAINS -- NIGHT Kristoff rides Sven as they follow the trail of ice. YOUNG KRISTOFF Faster, Sven! EXT. THE VALLEY OF THE LIVING ROCK -- NIGHT Kristoff hops off Sven at the edge of a deep valley. They hide behind a rock and peek out. Down below, the King holds a frightened Elsa. The Queen holds the still unconscious Anna. KING Please, help. My daughter! Suddenly, a bunch of rocks tumble down the valley toward them. It looks as though they'll be crushed! But, luckily, the rocks stop at their feet. The rocks then unfold, revealing bright faces. YOUNG KRISTOFF Trolls...? The rock in front of Kristoff "wakes up." Meet BULDA. BULDA Shush. I'm trying to listen. She grabs Kristoff and Sven by hand and hoof and hugs them close. Sven licks her face and she eyes them both. BULDA (CONT'D) Cuties. I'm gonna keep you. Back below, the crowd parts for a troll as old as the Earth. They call him GRAND PABBIE. He approaches arthritically, but determined. He nods respectfully to the king. GRAND PABBIE Your Majesty. (referring to Elsa) Born with the powers or cursed? KING Born. And they're getting stronger. Grand Pabbie motions for the Queen to bring Anna to him. She does. He examines her. 7 FROZEN - J. Lee GRAND PABBIE (about Anna) You are lucky it wasn't her heart. The heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded. KING Do what you must. GRAND PABBIE I recommend we remove all magic, even memories of magic to be safe.... But don't worry, I'll leave the fun. Grand Pabbie pulls out a glowing blue energy from Anna's head. We see her memories floating right above her. Grand Pabbie changes all of her magical memories to ordinary memories -- snowy play indoors with the girls in their nightgowns changes to outdoors on the winter fjords with the girls in winter gear. He puts the ordinary memories back in her head. GRAND PABBIE (CONT'D) She will be okay. YOUNG ELSA But she won't remember I have powers? KING It's for the best. PABBIE Listen to me, Elsa, your power will only grow. As he speaks, he conducts the Northern Lights to show a silhouette of an adult Elsa creating magical snowflakes. PABBIE (CONT'D) There is beauty in your magic.... But also great danger. The snowflakes turn to sharp spikes. PABBIE (O.S.) (CONT'D) You must learn to control it. In the Northern Lights display, the sharp spikes cause human figures to panic and attack Elsa. PABBIE (CONT'D) Fear will be your enemy. 8 FROZEN - J. Lee Elsa gasps and buries her face in the King's chest. The King wraps his arms around Elsa, protectively. KING No. We'll protect her. She can learn to control it. I'm sure. Over the King's words we... DISSOLVE TO: -The Arendelle castle gates shutting. KING (O.S.) (CONT'D) Until then, we'll lock the gates. We'll reduce the staff. We will limit her contact with people and keep her powers hidden from everyone... including Anna. -The castle shutters close. -Anna sits on her bed as Elsa's furniture disappears. -Anna rushes to the hall to see Elsa shut the door to her new room. Anna watches, confused and sad. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CASTLE WINDOW -- DAY We look out on a gentle snowfall. Little Anna skips up to the window. She lights up at the sight of the snow and rushes down the hall. INT. HALLWAY, ELSA'S DOOR -- DAY Anna knocks on Elsa's door and SINGS. "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" YOUNG ANNA DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? COME ON LET'S GO AND PLAY. Anna peeks under the door. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) I NEVER SEE YOU ANYMORE. COME OUT THE DOOR. IT'S LIKE YOU'VE GONE AWAY. 9 FROZEN - J. Lee -INT. ANNA'S ROOM -- Anna plays with two dolls, gives up, sad. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) WE USED TO BE BEST BUDDIES AND NOW WE'RE NOT. I WISH YOU WOULD TELL ME WHY. -ELSA'S DOOR. Anna peeks through the key hole. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? -Anna calls through the keyhole. YOUNG ANNA (CONT'D) IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A SNOWMAN. YOUNG ELSA (O.S.) Go away, Anna. YOUNG ANNA (hearbroken) ...OKAY BYE. -BEHIND THE DOOR -- DAY. Elsa sits at the window looking out, longingly. Suddenly, her icy hands freeze the windowsill. -LATER. The King slips leather gloves onto Elsa's hands. KING The gloves will help. He pats her gloved hand. KING (CONT'D) See? You're good.... (starting their mantra) Conceal it. YOUNG ELSA Don't feel it. YOUNG ELSA & KING Don't let it show. -INT. HALLWAY, ELSA'S DOOR -- DAY. Anna, now 9, knocks on Elsa's door. ANNA (9) DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? -INT. HALLWAY -- DAY. Alone, Anna rides a bicycle built for two in the hall by standing on the back seat. 10 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (9) (CONT'D) OR RIDE OUR BIKE AROUND THE HALL? I THINK SOME COMPANY IS OVERDUE... -INT. PORTRAIT ROOM -- DAY. Anna runs around the portrait room, gaining momentum to flip over the arm of the couch. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) I'VE STARTED TALKING TO THE PICTURES ON THE WALLS. Anna lands PLOP on the cushions, then looks up at the painting above her of the courageous Joan of Arc. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) Hang in there, Joan. -INT. EMPTY LIBRARY -- DAY. Looks like no one's around. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) IT GETS A LITTLE LONELY ALL THESE EMPTY ROOMS. But then we find Anna, laying at the base of the grandfather clock, playing with her braids, bored out of her mind. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) JUST WATCHING THE HOURS TICK BY. Anna's eyes follow the grandfather clock's pendulum. ANNA (9) (CONT'D) TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. -INT. ELSA'S ROOM -- NIGHT. Elsa (now 12) paces as she panics. The entire wall is frozen behind her. ELSA (12) I'm scared. It's getting stronger. KING Getting upset only makes it worse. The King goes to hug her. ELSA (12) No. Don't touch me. I don't want to hurt you. He and the Queen look at each other with alarmed sadness. -INT. LIBRARY -- DAY. Anna, now a teenager, slides past Elsa's room without stopping. 11 FROZEN - J. Lee -INT. KING AND QUEEN'S QUARTERS -- DAY. Anna runs into the room and throws herself into her parents' arms. TEEN ANNA See you in two weeks. -INT. ELSA'S ROOM -- DAY. Elsa curtsies in front of her parents, formally, not touching them. TEEN ELSA Do you have to go? KING You'll be fine, Elsa. -EXT. DOCKS -- DAY. The King and Queen leave on a ship. -EXT. ROUGH SEAS -- NIGHT. Lightning flashes. The sea rages in a storm. The King and Queen's ship is lost in the waves. -INT. CASTLE -- DAY. A portrait of the King and Queen is covered in mourning cloth. -EXT. CEMETERY -- DAY. Anna looks small, standing before her people, beside burial stones. -INT. HALLWAY, ELSA'S DOOR. Anna, still in her mourning clothes, approaches and knocks. ANNA (singing) Elsa? PLEASE I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE PEOPLE ARE ASKING WHERE YOU'VE BEEN THEY SAY HAVE COURAGE AND I'M TRYING TO I'M RIGHT OUT HERE FOR YOU. PLEASE LET ME IN. Anna slides down the door and sits with her head against it. ANNA (CONT'D) WE ONLY HAVE EACH OTHER. IT'S JUST YOU AND ME. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? (weak, internal) DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? We move through the door... -INT. ELSA'S ROOM -- DAY. Elsa is sitting in the exact same pose as Anna. Her bedroom is frozen with ice. Snowflakes hang in the air, suspended by grief. FADE OUT. 12 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. THE KINGDOM OF ARENDELLE -- MORNING A new dawn rises over the fjords. Ships pull up to the docks. Guests pile out. DOCK MASTER Welcome to Arendelle! A BOY tries to get away as his MOTHER tries to stuff him in his bunad jacket. BOY Why do I have to wear this? MOTHER Because the Queen has come of age. It's Coronation Day! BOY That's not my fault. They pass the May Pole being raised and a Sami ice harvester chatting with his reindeer. We recognize them as Kristoff and Sven, all grown up. Sven hops around excitedly like a dog and nuzzles Kristoff's chest. KRISTOFF What do you want, Sven? Kristoff leans in and speaks for Sven, as if he can. KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) Give me a snack. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) What's the magic word? KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) Please! Kristoff pulls a carrot out of his shirt pocket and hands it to Sven. Sven tries to bite the whole thing. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Hey, hey, hey! Share! Sven takes a smaller bite. Kristoff then has a bite himself, not seeming to care that it's covered in reindeer slobber. We move on to PERSI and AGGIE, a super-excited couple who rush towards the castle. 13 FROZEN - J. Lee PERSI I can't believe they're finally opening up the gates! AGGIE And for a whole day! Faster, Persi! They pass a tiny but menacing DUKE, who wears taps on his shoes to "enhance" his presence. Two THUG guards follow close behind him. DUKE Ah, Arendelle, our most mysterious trade partner. Open those gates so I may unlock your secrets and exploit your riches. (catching himself) ...Did I just say that out loud? We leave him and head down the bridge towards the castle gates, passing an Irishman and a Spanish Dignitary. IRISHMAN Oh, me sore eyes can't wait to see the Queen and the Princess. I bet they're absolutely lovely. SPANISH DIGNITARY I bet they are beautiful. We move past them, to a particular castle window. CUT TO: INT. CASTLE, ANNA'S BEDROOM -- DAY Anna, 18, snores. Drools. KNOCK. KNOCK. KAI (O.S.) Princess Anna...? Anna sits up. She's got major bedhead. She coughs. Snorts. Pulls a hair from her mouth. ANNA ...Huh? Yeah? KAI (O.S.) Sorry to wake you, ma'am but-- ANNA No, you didn't. I've been up for hours. 14 FROZEN - J. Lee She falls back asleep while sitting. She snores. Her head drops, startling her awake. ANNA (CONT'D) Who is it? KAI (O.S.) It's still me, ma'am. Time to get ready. ANNA Ready for what? KAI (O.S.) Your sister's coronation, ma'am. ANNA My sister's cor-neration... One eye opens enough to catch sight of her coronation dress. She bolts, wide awake in excitement. ANNA (CONT'D) Coronation Day! Ha ha! SLAM CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE HALL -- DAY Anna bursts out of her room, wearing her coronation dress. She finishes pinning ribbons in her hair. Seeing the hustle and bustle of preparations, she can't help but SING. "For the First Time in Forever" ANNA THE WINDOW IS OPEN! SO'S THAT DOOR! I DIDN'T KNOW THEY DID THAT ANYMORE. WHO KNEW WE OWNED 8000 SALAD PLATES...? -Anna slides along the floor of the ballroom in her socks. ANNA (CONT'D) FOR YEARS I HAVE ROAMED THESE EMPTY HALLS WHY HAVE A BALLROOM WITH NO BALLS? FINALLY, THEY'RE OPENING UP THE GATES! -She shakes hands with a suit of armor. Breaks it. Hides the evidence. 15 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) THERE'LL BE REAL, ACTUAL PEOPLE - IT'LL BE TOTALLY STRANGE. BUT WOW AM I SO READY FOR THIS CHANGE! -Anna comes to a window and jumps out onto a window washer's pulley. She raises herself up to see the ships arriving. ANNA (CONT'D) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, THERE'LL BE MUSIC, THERE'LL BE LIGHT. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I'LL BE DANCING THROUGH THE NIGHT. -Anna walks through the garden and follows a family of geese. ANNA (CONT'D) DON'T KNOW IF I'M ELATED OR GASSY, BUT I'M SOMEWHERE IN THAT ZONE 'CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I WON'T BE ALONE. (speaking) I can't wait to meet everyone.... (GASP) What if I meet THE ONE? -Anna twists herself in a velvet drape like it's a gown. She acts like she looks gorgeous, but she looks ridiculous. ANNA (CONT'D) TONIGHT, IMAGINE ME GOWN AND ALL- FETCHINGLY DRAPED AGAINST THE WALL. THE PICTURE OF SOPHISTICATED GRACE. -She notices the bust of a man across the room. ANNA (CONT'D) (google-eyed) I SUDDENLY SEE HIM STANDING THERE, A BEAUTIFUL STRANGER TALL AND FAIR. (mouth full of chocolate) I WANNA STUFF SOME CHOCOLATE IN MY FACE! -She grabs the bust of the man and swings it around. ANNA (CONT'D) BUT THEN WE LAUGH AND TALK ALL EVENING, WHICH IS TOTALLY BIZARRE. NOTHING LIKE THE LIFE I'VE LED SO FAR. The bust goes flying and lands on the top of the cake. -Anna bursts into the portrait room, bounces on the furniture, and interacts with the paintings. 16 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, THERE'LL BE MAGIC, THERE'LL BE FUN. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I COULD BE NOTICED BY SOMEONE. AND I KNOW IT IS TOTALLY CRAZY TO DREAM I'D FIND ROMANCE. BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, AT LEAST I'VE GOT A CHANCE! -INT. LIBRARY. ELSA, now a very poised 21, watches out the window as the coronation guests arrive. ELSA DON'T LET THEM IN. DON'T LET THEM SEE. BE THE GOOD GIRL YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE. Elsa moves to a painting of her father's coronation. She takes off her gloves and mimics the painting by holding a candlestick and ornament in place of an orb and scepter. ELSA (CONT'D) CONCEAL. DON'T FEEL. PUT ON A SHOW. MAKE ONE WRONG MOVE AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW. The candlestick and ornament ice over. Elsa gasps, slams them back down onto the table. She tries to reassure herself. ELSA (CONT'D) BUT IT'S ONLY FOR TODAY. We cut between Anna's excitement and Elsa's nerves. ANNA IT'S ONLY FOR TODAY! ELSA IT'S AGONY TO WAIT. ANNA IT'S AGONY TO WAIT!!! ELSA TELL THE GUARDS TO OPEN UP THE GATE. ANNA THE GATE!!! -Finally, the gates are open! Anna moves through the crowd, admiring the people around her. 17 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) ELSA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN DON'T LET THEM IN FOREVER. DON'T LET THEM SEE ANNA ELSA I'M GETTING WHAT I'M DREAMING BE THE GOOD GIRL OF YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ANNA ELSA A CHANCE TO LEAVE MY SISTER'S CONCEAL. WORLD CONCEAL. DON'T FEEL. A CHANCE TO FIND TRUE LOVE DON'T LET THEM KNOW. -Anna hurries over the bridge and into the village square. ANNA (CONT'D) I KNOW IT ALL ENDS TOMORROW, SO IT HAS TO BE TODAY!! `CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER. . . FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER! NOTHING'S IN MY WAY!!! -Anna SLAMS right into the breast of a HORSE! She falls back and lands in a small wooden boat. It tips off of the dock. She's heading overboard. But just then, the horse slams his hoof into the boat and steadies it. ANNA (CONT'D) (frustrated) Hey! HANS I'm so sorry. Are you hurt? The rider, HANS, sure is handsome and regal. ANNA (gentler) Hey. I-ya, no. No. I'm okay. HANS Are you sure? ANNA Yeah, I just wasn't looking where I was going. But I'm okay. He hops down from his horse and steps into the boat. ANNA (CONT'D) I'm great, actually. 18 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS Oh, thank goodness. He offers her a hand and their eyes meet. Chemistry. He helps her to her feet. HANS (CONT'D) (bowing) Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. ANNA (curtseying) Princess Anna of Arendelle. HANS Princess...? My Lady. He drops to his knees, head bowed. The horse bows too, curling his hoof up and out of the boat. The boat tips. Hans tumbles on top of Anna. Awkward. ANNA Hi...again. The horse slams his foot back into the boat to stabilize it. Anna and Hans tumble the other way. Anna lands on top of him. HANS Oh boy. ANNA Ha. This is awkward. Not you're awkward, but just because we're-- I'm awkward. You're gorgeous. (did she just say that?) Wait, what? Hans quickly gets to his feet and helps Anna up again. HANS I'd like to formally apologize for hitting the Princess of Arendelle with my horse...and for every moment after. ANNA No. No-no. It's fine. I'm not THAT Princess. I mean, if you'd hit my sister Elsa, that would be-- yeash! `Cuz, you know... (patting the horse) Hello. (MORE) 19 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) (to Hans) But, lucky you, it's-it's just me. HANS Just you? Hans smiles, amused. She smiles back. The bells RING. She doesn't notice at first; she's too busy drinking in Hans's handsomeness. ANNA ...The bells. The coronation. I-I-I better go. I have to...I better go. She hurries off, stops, turns back. Gives Hans a little wave. ANNA (CONT'D) Bye! As she rushes off again, Hans waves back. The horse waves too, once again taking his hoof out of the boat. HANS Oh no. The boat falls, with Hans in it. SPLASH! It lands upside down in the water. Hans raises it up off of him, gasping for air. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH CHAPEL -- DAY Elsa stands at the alter. Anna stands off to one side. She peeks out to the audience. Hans waves at her from the pews. He's changed his clothes. The crown is placed on Elsa's head. The scepter and orb are presented to Elsa on a pillow. She slowly reaches for them. BISHOP (a whisper) Your Majesty, the gloves. Elsa hesitates. She breathes nervously, removes her gloves, places them on the pillow. Her hands shake. She takes the orb and scepter, then turns to the people. BISHOP (CONT'D) (formal, in Old Norse) Sehm hon HELL-drr IN-um HELL-gum AYG-num ok krund ee THES-um HELL- gah STAHTH, ehk teh frahm FUR-ear U- thear... 20 FROZEN - J. Lee The scepter and orb start to freeze over. BISHOP (CONT'D) ...Queen Elsa of Arendelle. CROWD Queen Elsa of Arendelle. Just in time. Elsa manages to set the orb and scepter back down on the pillow before anyone notices the ice. She picks up her gloves and slips them on. She made it. CUT TO: INT. GREAT HALL -- NIGHT Springy music fills the Great Hall. Guests dance. Eat. Laugh. TRUMPETS SOUND. KAI (announcing) Queen Elsa of Arendelle. Elsa enters, poised and looking surprisingly content. She stands under a formal awning. KAI (CONT'D) Princess Anna of Arendelle! Anna runs into the room, waves awkwardly. Kai ushers her over to stand right next to Elsa. ANNA Here? Are you sure? She and Elsa sneak awkward peeks at each other. ELSA ...Hi. ANNA Hi me...? Oh. Um. Hi. ELSA ...You look beautiful. ANNA Thank you. You look beautifuller. I mean, not fuller. You don't look fuller, but more beautiful. 21 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA Thank you. They look out at the celebration. ELSA (CONT'D) So, this is what a party looks like? ANNA It's warmer than I thought. ELSA And what is that amazing smell? They both close their eyes and inhale. ANNA AND ELSA (TOGETHER) ...Chocolate. Their eyes pop open. They laugh. Elsa looks back out at the party. Anna looks at Elsa. She wants to say so much, but she can't think of where to start. Just as she finds her way, Kai interrupts. KAI Your Majesty. The Duke of Weaseltown. DUKE Weselton. The Duke of Weselton. (to Elsa) Your Majesty, as your closest partner in trade, it seems only fitting that I offer you your first dance as queen. The Duke does a funny flitter of his feet, a hitch-kick, and a deep bow. DUKE (CONT'D) (whispers to himself) One, two, three. Jump. As he holds out his hand, head down, his toupee dips forward. Anna giggles. Elsa looks at Anna, stifles a giggle herself. ELSA (to the Duke) Thank you...only I don't dance. 22 FROZEN - J. Lee DUKE (offended) Oh...? ELSA But my sister does. ANNA What? DUKE Lucky you.... ANNA Oh, I don't think-- The Duke grabs Anna's arm and yanks her away before she can protest. DUKE If you swoon, let me know, I'll catch you. Anna looks back at Elsa, desperately. ELSA Sorry. OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR: The Duke showboats, but he's just awful. Anna tries to make the best of it. DUKE Like an agile peacock... CLUCK- CLUGGLE-CLUCK! He lands on her feet. ANNA Ow. Ow. DUKE Speaking of, so great to have the gates open. Why did they shut them in the first place? Do you know the reason? Hmm? He gets in her face, suspicious. ANNA ...No. 23 FROZEN - J. Lee DUKE Oh, all right. Hang on. They don't call me the little dipper for nothing. He dips Anna back. Elsa peeks through the crowd, can barely hold in her laughter. Anna shoots Elsa funny, help-me looks. DUKE (CONT'D) (groove fully on) Like a chicken...with the face of a monkey...I fly. JUMP CUT TO: MOMENTS LATER... Anna limps back to Elsa. DUKE (O.S.) Let me know when you're ready for another round, M'Lady. ELSA Well, he was sprightly. ANNA (rubbing her sore feet) Especially for a man in heels. ELSA Are you okay? ANNA (loving Elsa's attention) I've never been better. This is so nice. I wish it could be like this all the time. ELSA (sincere) Me too.... But then Elsa catches herself. She stiffens up, looks away. ELSA (CONT'D) But it can't. ANNA Why not? If-- ELSA It just can't. 24 FROZEN - J. Lee Anna's smile drops. She tries not to get emotional. ANNA Excuse me for a minute. She walks away. Elsa watches her go, saddened. Moving through the crowd, Anna gets bumped by a bowing man's butt. She falls. Just before she hits the floor, Hans catches her. He smiles perfectly. HANS Glad I caught you. ANNA Hans. He smoothly sets his drink down on a passing tray. He lifts her up and leads her in a romantic dance. DISSOLVE TO: LATER: Anna and Hans drink and chat. ANNA (CONT'D) I often had the whole parlor to myself to slide... Oops. Sorry. She hits him in the face by mistake with her hand. He laughs. DISSOLVE TO: -THE CASTLE DOORS: Anna and Hans stroll out of the castle. ANNA (CONT'D) ...Your physique helps I'm sure. DISSOLVE TO: -THE ROSE GARDEN... Hans notices her white streak. HANS (about her white streak) What's this? ANNA I was born with it, although I dreamt I was kissed by a troll. HANS I like it. DISSOLVE TO: 25 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. BALCONY -- NIGHT Anna teaches Hans how to eat krumkake. ANNA Yeah, the whole thing! You got it. They laugh as the krumkake crumbles in his face. ANNA(CONT'D) Okay wait, wait. So you have how many brothers? HANS Twelve older brothers. Three of them pretended I was invisible... literally...for two years. ANNA That's horrible. HANS It's what brothers do. ANNA ...And sisters. Elsa and I were really close when we were little. But then, one day she just shut me out, and I never knew why. He takes her hand. Leans in close. HANS I would never shut you out. ANNA Okay, can I just say something crazy? HANS I love crazy. "Love is an Open Door" ANNA (singing) ALL MY LIFE HAS BEEN A SERIES OF DOORS IN MY FACE. AND THEN SUDDENLY I BUMP INTO YOU. HANS I was thinking the same thing, because like. . . (MORE) 26 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS (CONT'D) I'VE BEEN SEARCHING MY WHOLE LIFE TO FIND MY OWN PLACE. AND MAYBE IT'S THE PARTY TALKING, OR THE CHOCOLATE FONDUE. ANNA BUT WITH YOU- HANS BUT WITH YOU, I FOUND MY PLACE. ANNA I SEE YOUR FACE. BOTH AND IT'S NOTHING LIKE I'VE EVER KNOWN BEFORE. They jump to the neighboring balcony and enter a door. They come out on top of one of the castle's towers. BOTH (CONT'D) LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR! LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR! Cut to them sliding across an empty hallway in their socks. BOTH (CONT'D) LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR ANNA WITH YOU! HANS WITH YOU! ANNA WITH YOU! HANS WITH YOU! BOTH LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR. They hop up on the castle roof and watch a shooting star. HANS I MEAN IT'S CRAZY. ANNA What? 27 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS WE FINISH EACH OTHER'S- ANNA SANDWICHES! HANS That's what I was gonna say! They slide down the back of the roof out of sight. We next find them strutting on a bridge ledge. ANNA I'VE NEVER MET SOMEONE- BOTH WHO THINKS SO MUCH LIKE ME. BOTH (SPOKEN) (CONT'D) Jinx.. . .jinx again. Are they doing the robot? No. They're imitating the mechanical figures on the clock tower. BOTH (CONT'D) OUR MENTAL SYNCHRONIZATION CAN HAVE BUT ONE EXPLANATION, HANS YOU- ANNA AND I- HANS WERE- ANNA JUST- BOTH MEANT TO BE. Anna and Hans dance on top of the lighthouse and cast dancing shadows across the sails of ships in the docks. ANNA SAY GOODBYE- HANS SAY GOODBYE- 28 FROZEN - J. Lee BOTH TO THE PAIN OF THE PAST. BOTH (CONT'D) WE DON'T HAVE TO FEEL IT ANYMORE! LOVE IS AN OPEN- They play hide and seek amongst the stable doors. BOTH (CONT'D) DOOR! LOVE IS AN OPEN DOOR! They climb to the waterfall looking out over the kingdom. Anna raises up her hands to frame the moon. Hans puts his hands on top of hers. Together their hands form a heart. BOTH (CONT'D) LIFE CAN BE SO MUCH MORE- ANNA WITH YOU! HANS WITH YOU! ANNA WITH YOU! HANS WITH YOU! BOTH LOVE IS AN OPEN HANS DOOR. ANNA DOOR. HANS Can I say something crazy...? Will you marry me? ANNA Can I just say something even crazier? Yes. CUT TO: 29 FROZEN - J. Lee INT. BALL -- NIGHT Anna pushes through the crowd towards Elsa, Hans in tow. ANNA Oops! Pardon. Sorry. Can we just get around you there? Thank you. Oh, there she is. Elsa! Elsa turns to Anna. Anna curtseys awkwardly. ANNA (CONT'D) I mean...Queen.... Me again. Um. May I present Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. HANS (bowing) Your Majesty. Elsa gives a polite but reserved curtsey. ANNA We would like-- HANS --your blessing-- ANNA --of-- ANNA/HANS --our marriage! ELSA Marriage...? ANNA Yes! ELSA I'm sorry, I'm confused. ANNA Well, we haven't worked out all the details ourselves. We'll need a few days to plan the ceremony. Of course we'll have soup, roast, and ice cream and then-- Wait. Would we live here? ELSA Here? 30 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS Absolutely! ELSA Anna-- ANNA Oh, we can invite all twelve of your brothers to stay with us-- ELSA What? No, no, no, no, no. ANNA Of course we have the room. I don't know. Some of them must-- ELSA Wait. Slow down. No one's brothers are staying here. No one is getting married. ANNA Wait, what? ELSA May I talk to you, please. Alone. Anna sees Hans's worried face. Hooks arms with him. ANNA No. Whatever you have to say, you- you can say to both of us. ELSA Fine. You can't marry a man you just met. ANNA You can if it's true love. ELSA Anna, what do you know about true love? ANNA More than you. All you know is how to shut people out. ELSA You asked for my blessing, but my answer is no. Now, excuse me. 31 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS Your Majesty, if I may ease your-- ELSA (flustered) No, you may not. And I-I think you should go. Elsa walks away. As she passes the Royal Handler-- ELSA (CONT'D) The party is over. Close the gates. ANNA What? Elsa, no. No, wait! Anna grabs Elsa's hand. She pulls off Elsa's glove. Elsa gasps, spins around and reaches for the glove in panic. ELSA Give me my glove! Anna holds the glove away from Elsa. ANNA (desperate) Elsa, please. Please. I can't live like this anymore. Elsa fights tears. ELSA (weak) ...Then leave. Elsa sees Anna's hurt face. It's too much. She can't hold it in. She turns and rushes away. ANNA (heartbroken) ...What did I ever do to you?! The party goes silent as everyone watches the sisters. ELSA Enough, Anna. ANNA No. Why? Why do you shut me out?! Why do you shut the world out?! What are you so afraid of?! ELSA I said, enough! 32 FROZEN - J. Lee Ice shoots from Elsa's hand, spikes across the floor! Guests cry out in shock, back away. DUKE (ducking behind his men) ...Sorcery. I knew there was something dubious going on here. ANNA Elsa...? Elsa rushes out of the room. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD -- NIGHT Elsa bursts out of the castle door. The CITIZENS CHEER! CROWD There she is. Your Majesty! Long live the Queen! Queen Elsa.... Come drink with us. Elsa ducks through the crowd, holding her bare hand. BOWING TOWNSMAN Queen Elsa. TOWNSWOMAN WITH BABY Your Majesty? Are you all right? Elsa backs away from the baby. She knocks into the fountain, grabs its edge. The waters freeze at her touch. GASPS of shock and fear sweep over the crowd. The Duke and thugs come out the door. DUKE There she is! Stop her! ELSA (to the Duke) Please, just stay away from me. Stay away! Magic accidentally shoots from her hand and turns the staircase into ice. The thugs and the Duke fall. DUKE Monster.... Monster! 33 FROZEN - J. Lee The crowd panics. A snowstorm begins. Elsa flees. Anna runs out of the palace doors, carrying the glove. ANNA Elsa! Hans follows closely behind her. GATES TO THE KINGDOM: Elsa runs out of the gates and down to the water's edge. The shoreline freezes under her feet. Anna calls to her from the gates. ANNA (CONT'D) Elsa! Wait, please! Elsa glances back at Anna, but turns away. She tentatively steps out onto the fjord. It freezes instantly. She breaks into a run, as the water freezes over with each step. ANNA (CONT'D) Elsa, stop! Anna rushes out onto the fjord ice, slips, falls. HANS Anna! Hans rushes to Anna's side. Elsa reaches the far shore. She doesn't look back. She just scrambles into the mountains. ANNA No. HANS (shocked) Look.... The fjord. The ice spreads out until the entire fjord is frozen, locking the ships in place. INT. CASTLE COURTYARD -- NIGHT Snow falls. Hans and Anna move through the panicking crowd. CROWD WALLAH Snow? It's...snow...in July. 34 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS ...Are you all right? ANNA (in shock) No. HANS Did you know? ANNA No. Nearby, the Duke flutters about in fright. DUKE Look! It's snowing! It's snowing! The Queen has cursed this land! She must be stopped! (to his thugs) You have to go after her. Anna rushes up to the Duke. ANNA Wait, no! The Duke hides behind his thugs and points out at Anna. DUKE You! Is there sorcery in you, too? Are you a monster, too? ANNA No. No. I'm completely ordinary. HANS That's right she is... (realizing how that sounds) ...in the best way. ANNA ...And my sister's not a monster. DUKE She nearly killed me. HANS You slipped on ice. DUKE Her ice! 35 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA It was an accident. She was scared. She didn't mean it. She didn't mean any of this.... Tonight was my fault. I pushed her. So I'm the one that needs to go after her. DUKE Yes. Fine. Do. HANS What? ANNA (to the Royal Handler) Bring me my horse, please. HANS Anna, no. It's too dangerous. ANNA Elsa's not dangerous. I'll bring her back, and I'll make this right. The Royal Handler brings Anna her horse and a cloak. HANS I'm coming with you. ANNA No, I need you here to take care of Arendelle. He sees the desperation in her eyes. HANS ...On my honor. She throws on the cloak and hops right onto the horse, coronation dress and all. ANNA (to the crowd) I leave Prince Hans in charge! HANS (before letting her go) Are you sure you can trust her? I don't want you getting hurt. ANNA She's my sister; she would never hurt me. 36 FROZEN - J. Lee She snaps the reins and rides out. Hans watches after her. The snow picks up and overtakes our view. We push through a blizzard...lose our way...then finds ourselves... EXT. HIGH UP IN THE MOUNTAINS -- NIGHT Well above the snow-line, a small figure climbs the highest peak. It's Elsa. Finally, she stops, looks around. Catches her breath and sings... "Let It Go" ELSA THE SNOW GLOWS WHITE ON THE MOUNTAIN TONIGHT, NOT A FOOTPRINT TO BE SEEN. A KINGDOM OF ISOLATION AND IT LOOKS LIKE I'M THE QUEEN. THE WIND IS HOWLING LIKE THIS SWIRLING STORM INSIDE. COULDN'T KEEP IT IN, HEAVEN KNOWS I TRIED. . . DON'T LET THEM IN, DON'T LET THEM SEE, BE THE GOOD GIRL YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE. CONCEAL, DON'T FEEL, DON'T LET THEM KNOW. WELL, NOW THEY KNOW. Elsa takes off her glove and throws it into the air. ELSA (CONT'D) LET IT GO. LET IT GO. CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE. Elsa creates a snowman, just like the one she made with Anna when they were children. ELSA (CONT'D) LET IT GO. LET IT GO. TURN AWAY AND SLAM THE DOOR. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY. LET THE STORM RAGE ON. THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY. Elsa lets her cape fly back into the wind. 37 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA (CONT'D) IT'S FUNNY HOW SOME DISTANCE MAKES EVERYTHING SEEM SMALL. AND THE FEARS THAT ONCE CONTROLLED ME CAN'T GET TO ME AT ALL. IT'S TIME TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO, TO TEST THE LIMITS AND BREAK THROUGH. NO RIGHT, NO WRONG, NO RULES FOR ME...I'M FREE! Elsa creates ice steps and climbs them. ELSA (CONT'D) LET IT GO! LET IT GO! I AM ONE WITH THE WIND AND SKY. LET IT GO! LET IT GO! YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME CRY. HERE I STAND AND HERE I'LL STAY. Elsa slams her foot down and forms a giant snowflake. ELSA (CONT'D) LET THE STORM RAGE ON.... In a flurry of creative release, she raises the snowflake on ice beams, builds walls, archways, a glistening chandelier, and an intricate ceiling that leaves the sky visible. ELSA (CONT'D) MY POWER FLURRIES THROUGH THE AIR INTO THE GROUND. MY SOUL IS SPIRALING IN FROZEN FRACTALS ALL AROUND. AND ONE THOUGHT CRYSTALLIZES LIKE AN ICY BLAST- Standing firmly in her mighty ice palace, Elsa removes her crown and throws it. ELSA (CONT'D) I'M NEVER GOING BACK, (back to resolve) THE PAST IS IN THE PAST! She takes down her hair and creates a new dress made of ice. ELSA (CONT'D) LET IT GO! LET IT GO! AND I'LL RISE LIKE THE BREAK OF DAWN. LET IT GO! LET IT GO! The sun rises. Elsa struts onto out onto a balcony and into the light. She's free. 38 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA (CONT'D) THAT PERFECT GIRL IS GONE. HERE I STAND IN THE LIGHT OF DAY. LET THE STORM RAGE ON!! THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY. She turns and slams her ice palace door on us. CUT TO: EXT. THE FJORD FOREST -- DAY Anna rides her horse through two feet of snow. She shivers. ANNA (shivering) Elsa! Elsa! It's me, Anna...your sister who didn't mean to make you freeze the summer. I'm sorry. It's all my f-f-f-f-f-f-fault. DISSOLVE TO: LATER: Anna and the horse struggle through a wooded area. ANNA (CONT'D) (hearing a wolf howl) Of course, none of this would have happened if she'd just told me her secret...ha...she's a stinker. A branch of a nearby tree snaps and startles the horse. Anna goes flying off, lands face down in the snow. She sits up. Spits out snow. Sees the horse running away. ANNA (CONT'D) Oh no. No. No. No. Come back. No. No. No. No.... Oooo-kay. He doesn't come back. Anna grabs onto a branch of a leaning conifer, tries to pull herself to her feet, but the tree snaps upright and releases all its snow onto her. GROAN. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN -- NIGHT The Northern Lights shine as Anna struggles, out of breath, reaching the top of a hill. 39 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Snow, it had to be snow, she couldn't have had tr-tr-tropical magic that covered the f-f-fjords in white sand and warm -- She sees smoke rising up in the distance. ANNA (CONT'D) Fire! WHOA! Anna goes tumbling down the hill. She lands with a crash in an icy stream at the bottom. ANNA (CONT'D) (from inside the snowball) Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold... EXT. A SMALL BUILDING AND STABLE -- NIGHT Anna shuffles up to the building, her dress frozen stiff. She shakes the snow off a sign and reads: ANNA Wandering Oaken's Trading Post. Snow drops off a smaller sign. She reads it, happily. ANNA (CONT'D) Ooh! And Sauna... INT. WANDERING OAKEN'S TRADING POST & SAUNA -- NIGHT Anna steps cautiously through the door--which hits her frozen butt and knocks her into the center of the shop. She looks around, sees only summer supplies. OAKEN (O.S.) Hoo hoo. Anna turns to see a bright-faced fellow sitting low behind the counter, fingers tapping tip to tip. OAKEN (CONT'D) Big summer blow out. Half off swimming suits, clogs, and a sun balm of my own invention, yah? ANNA Oh, great. For now, how about boots. Winter boots...and dresses? 40 FROZEN - J. Lee OAKEN (slight disappointment) That would be in our winter department. The winter department contains one outfit, a pick ax, and a lonely pair of boots. ANNA Oh. Um, I was just wondering; has another young woman, the Queen perhaps, I don't know, passed through here? She brings the clothes and boots to the counter. OAKEN Only one crazy enough to be out in this storm is you, dear? The front door suddenly blows open and in walks a mass of a man covered in ice. Underneath is KRISTOFF. OAKEN (CONT'D) You and this fellow.... Hoo hoo. Big summer blow out. Kristoff walks right up to Anna. KRISTOFF (in her face) Carrots. ANNA Huh? KRISTOFF Behind you. ANNA Oh, right. Excuse me. Anna moves out of Kristoff's way. He grabs a bunch of carrots, tosses them on the counter, then moves through the place, gathering other supplies. OAKEN (to Kristoff) A real howler in July, yah? Where ever could it be coming from? KRISTOFF The North Mountain. 41 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (to herself) North Mountain. Kristoff brings his supplies to the counter. Oaken counts on his fingertips. OAKEN That'll be forty. KRISTOFF Forty? No, ten. OAKEN (sweet as pie) Oh dear, that's no good. See these are from our winter stock, where supply and demand have a big problem. KRISTOFF You want to talk about a supply and demand problem? I sell ice for a living. Kristoff motions out the window, where we see the blocks of ice on his sled, covered in snow. ANNA Ooh, that's a rough business to be in right now. I mean, that is really... (he shoots her a look) Ahem. That's unfortunate. OAKEN Still forty. But I will throw in a visit to Oaken's sauna. Hoo hoo! Hi, family. Kristoff and Anna turn to see a naked family waving through the window of the steaming sauna. NAKED FAMILY Hoo hoo! KRISTOFF ...Ten's all I got. Help me out. OAKEN (isolating the carrots) Ten will get you this and no more. Kristoff seethes. Stalemate. 42 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Okay, just tell me one thing; what was happening on the North Mountain? Did it seem magical? Kristoff pulls down his scarf and gives Anna a firm answer. KRISTOFF Yes! Now, back up while I deal with this crook here. Oaken stands up, revealing his seven-foot stature. OAKEN What did you call me? EXT. WANDERING OAKEN'S TRADING POST AND SAUNA -- NIGHT Oaken stomps out the door, carrying Kristoff with one arm. KRISTOFF Okay. Okay, I'm- Ow! Whoa! Oaken throws Kristoff, who face-plants in the snow. OAKEN Bye bye. Oaken slams the door. Kristoff sits up. His reindeer, Sven, canters over, snorts, and nudges him, expectantly. KRISTOFF No Sven, I didn't get your carrots. Sven huffs in his face. Kristoff turns away and sees something. He points to a dilapidated barn. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) But I did find us a place to sleep. And it's free. INT. WANDERING OAKEN'S TRADING POST AND SAUNA -- NIGHT Anna stands watching Oaken and all his great height as he squeezes behind the counter and sits down low again. OAKEN (teddy bear) I'm sorry about this violence. I will add a quart of lutefisk, so we'll have good feelings. Just the outfit and boots, yah? 43 FROZEN - J. Lee Anna looks between Kristoff's supplies and the door. CUT TO: INT. OAKEN'S STABLES - NIGHT Kristoff, now unfrozen, relaxes on a bed of hay, playing his lute and singing to (and for) Sven. "Reindeer(s) are Better than People" KRISTOFF REINDEERS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE. SVEN, DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S TRUE? KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) (throwing his voice) YEAH, PEOPLE WILL BEAT YOU & CURSE YOU & CHEAT YOU. EVERY ONE OF EM'S BAD, EXCEPT YOU. (speaking) Oh, thanks, Buddy. (singing, as Kristoff) BUT PEOPLE SMELL BETTER THAN REINDEERS. SVEN, DON'T YOU THINK I'M RIGHT? (As Sven) THAT'S ONCE AGAIN TRUE, FOR ALL EXCEPT YOU. (As Kristoff) YOU GOT ME. LET'S CALL IT A NIGHT. (As Sven) GOOD NIGHT. (As Kristoff) DON'T LET THE FROSTBITE BITE. The door opens. Anna enters. ANNA Nice duet. Kristoff sits up with a start...sees who it is. KRISTOFF Oh, it's just you. What do you want? ANNA I want you to take me up the North Mountain. 44 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF I don't take people places. He lays back down, closes his eyes. ANNA Let me rephrase that... A sack of supplies lands in Kristoff's lap. KRISTOFF Umph. He sits up. Looks in the bag. ANNA Take me up the North Mountain.... Please. He eyes her. He clearly doesn't take orders. ANNA (CONT'D) Look, I know how to stop this winter. He considers, lies back down, pulls his hat over his eyes. KRISTOFF We leave at dawn.... And you forgot the carrots for Sven. A bag of carrots hits Kristoff in the face. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Ugh! ANNA Oops. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't-- (catching herself) We leave now. Right now. She steps back outside and waits, anxiously. Annoyed, Kristoff offers Sven a carrot. Sven has a bite. Then Kristoff has a bite, contemplating. SLAM CUT TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN HIGH -- NIGHT Sven races, top speed, up a narrow cliff, pulling the sled, which skids precariously. Kristoff mans the reins. Anna sits beside him. 45 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (trying to scare Anna) Hang on! We like to go fast! ANNA (fearless) I like fast! Anna leans back and puts her feet up on the dashboard. KRISTOFF Whoa, whoa! Get your feet down. He pushes her feet down. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) This is fresh lacquer. Seriously, were you raised in a barn? Kristoff spits on the dash to clean it. The spit flies back and hits Anna in the face. ANNA (grossed out) Ew. No, I was raised in a castle. She wipes off her face. KRISTOFF So tell me, what made the Queen go all ice-crazy? ANNA ...Oh well, it was all my fault. I got engaged but then she freaked out because I'd only just met him, you know, that day. And she said she wouldn't bless the marriage-- KRISTOFF Wait. You got engaged to someone you just met? ANNA Yeah. Anyway, I got mad and so she got mad and then she tried to walk away, and I grabbed her glove-- KRISTOFF Hang on. You mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met?! 46 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Yes. Pay attention. But the thing is she wore the gloves all the time, so I just thought, maybe she has a thing about dirt. KRISTOFF Didn't your parents ever warn you about strangers? Anna eyes Kristoff up and down, then slides away from him. ANNA Yes, they did.... But Hans is not a stranger. KRISTOFF Oh yeah? What's his last name? ANNA ...Of-the-Southern-Isles? KRISTOFF What's his favorite food? ANNA ...Sandwiches. KRISTOFF Best friend's name? ANNA Probably John. KRISTOFF Eye color. ANNA Dreamy. KRISTOFF Foot size...? ANNA Foot size doesn't matter. KRISTOFF Have you had a meal with him yet? What if you hate the way he eats? What if you hate the way he picks his nose? ANNA Picks his nose? 47 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF And eats it. ANNA Excuse me, sir. He's a prince. KRISTOFF All men do it. ANNA Ew. Look it doesn't matter; it's true love. KRISTOFF Doesn't sound like true love. ANNA Are you some sort of love expert? KRISTOFF No. But I have friends who are. ANNA You have friends who are love experts.... I'm not buying it. Sven suddenly stops, ears perked in alarm. KRISTOFF (to Anna) Stop talking. ANNA No, no, no. I'd like to meet these-- Kristoff clamps his hand over Anna's mouth. KRISTOFF I mean it. SHHH. Kristoff stands, looks into the dark woods surrounding them. Sensing something behind them, he holds up his lantern. Its light reflects off...EYES. Several. KRISTOFF(CONT'D) Sven, go. Go! Sven takes off. ANNA What are they? KRISTOFF Wolves. 48 FROZEN - J. Lee Flashes of white dart through the woods. Kristoff hops into the back of the sled, grabs a torch. Lights it. ANNA Wolves. What do we do? KRISTOFF I've got this. You just...don't fall off and don't get eaten. ANNA But I wanna help. KRISTOFF No. ANNA Why not? KRISTOFF Because I don't trust your judgement. ANNA Excuse me?! A wolf jumps at them, but Kristoff kicks it off. KRISTOFF Who marries a man she just met? Anna grabs the lute, swings it right at Kristoff's head. ANNA It's true love! He screams, as she...BAM!...swings past Kristoff and knocks a wolf away. KRISTOFF (shocked) Whoa. Just then Kristoff is yanked off the sled by another wolf. The torch goes flying. Anna catches it, shocked. ANNA Christopher! Kristoff grabs onto a loose rope hanging from the back of the sled and holds on for dear life as he's dragged behind. KRISTOFF It's Kristoff! 49 FROZEN - J. Lee A wolf jumps on Kristoff's back. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) AH! Anna thinks fast, uses the torch to light a blanket on fire. ANNA Duck! Anna throws the flaming blanket right at him. He ducks. The blanket hits the wolves. They tumble off Kristoff. KRISTOFF You almost set me on fire! Anna reaches out a hand, pulls Kristoff back onto the sled. ANNA But I didn't. Sven cries out. There is a massive gorge ahead. ANNA (CONT'D) Get ready to jump, Sven! KRISTOFF You don't tell him what to do! Kristoff shoves a satchel into her arms then scoops her up. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) I do! Kristoff tosses Anna onto Sven, then unhooks Sven's harness from the sled. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Jump, Sven! Sven jumps the gorge with Anna on his back. Kristoff goes flying off behind them, still on the sled. Anna and Sven land safely on the other side of the gorge. Kristoff's sled loses momentum. It's not going to make it. He leaps off. He flaps his arms, claws at the air. He slams into the snowy edge of the cliff. Hanging by his hands, he looks down to see his sled hit the ground far below and burst into flames. 50 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (shocked sadness) ...But I just paid it off. Suddenly, he starts to slip. He claws at the loose snow, but it's clearly hopeless. He's going down. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Uh-oh. No, no, no. To make matters worse, an AXE comes flying right at his face. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) AH! NO, NO, NO! The axe slams into the snow, inches from his nose. ANNA (O.S.) Grab on! Kristoff grabs on. ANNA (CONT'D) Pull, Sven! Pull! REVEAL: The axe is tied to a rope, then wrapped around Sven. Anna helps Sven pull Kristoff to safety. Kristoff rolls onto his back, exhausted. Anna peeks down at the burning sled. ANNA (CONT'D) Whoa.... I'll replace your sled and everything in it. Kristoff groans. ANNA (CONT'D) And I understand if you don't want to help me anymore. Anna walks off, sadly. Sven comes over and nuzzles Kristoff. KRISTOFF Of course I don't want to help her anymore. In fact, this whole thing has ruined me for helping anyone ever again. KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) But she'll die on her own. KRISTOFF (AS SELF) (CONT'D) I can live with that. 51 FROZEN - J. Lee Through their conversation, they watch Anna go the wrong way...turn, go the other wrong way, turn, trip... KRISTOFF (AS SVEN) (CONT'D) But you won't get your new sled if she's dead. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (knowing he's got a point) ...You know sometimes I really don't like you. Sven licks Kristoff happily. KRISTOFF (AS SELF) (CONT'D) (to Anna) Hold up. We're coming?! ANNA (excited) You are?! (catching herself) I mean, sure. I'll let you tag along. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SHARP MOUNTAIN RIDGE -- DAWN Kristoff, Sven and Anna walk on a narrow rim of a mountain. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN FOREST CLEARING -- DAY As they step out of the thick trees, Anna catches sight of something far below. ANNA Arendelle. KRISTOFF It's completely frozen. ANNA ...But it'll be fine. Elsa will thaw it. KRISTOFF Will she? 52 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (uncertain) ...Yeah. Now come on. This way to the North Mountain? She points straight ahead. KRISTOFF More like this way. He points her finger up towards a perilously mighty mountain. DISSOLVE TO: INT. FROZEN WILLOW TREES -- DAY Anna, Kristoff, and Sven walk beneath frozen willows. The hanging branches glisten like Christmas lights. Sven knocks them with his antlers. They tinkle like chimes. ANNA I never knew winter could be so beautiful. Suddenly, a voice comes in from nowhere. We'll call that voice OLAF. OLAF (O.S.) YEAH...It really is beautiful, isn't it? But it's so white. You know, how about a little color? Must we bleach the joy out of it all? I'm thinking like maybe some crimson, chartreuse... While this is going on, Anna and Kristoff look around for the source of the rambling. They look at Sven - could he actually be talking? Sven looks back at them, his antlers tangled in branches, just as baffled as they are. In the meantime, a nose-less snowman, Olaf, wanders up behind them. OLAF (CONT'D) How `bout yellow--no, not yellow. Yellow and snow? Brrrr...no go. He stops between Kristoff and Anna. They look down at him. How did he get there? He suddenly looks up at Anna. OLAF (CONT'D) Am I right? 53 FROZEN - J. Lee Anna SCREAMS! Reflexes take over and she kicks Olaf's head, sending it flying off his body and into Kristoff's arms. OLAF (CONT'D) (cheery, to Kristoff) Hi! KRISTOFF You're creepy. Kristoff tosses the head back to Anna and they commence a game of hot potato. ANNA I don't want it! KRISTOFF Backatchya! OLAF Please don't drop me. ANNA Don't! KRISTOFF Come on, it's just a head. ANNA No! Olaf's body runs at Anna, arms waving. OLAF (O.S.) All right, we got off to a bad start. ANNA Ew, ew, the body! Anna slams Olaf's head back on the body, upside down. Olaf smiles happily, then looks confused. OLAF Wait, what am I looking at right now? Why are you hanging off the earth like a bat? ANNA (sympathetic) ...Okay. Wait one second. Anna kneels in front of Olaf and rights his head. 54 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF Oooh! Thank you! ANNA You're welcome. OLAF Now I'm perfect. She looks over his innocent face, gets an idea. ANNA Well, almost. She digs into Kristoff's satchel, holds up a carrot just as Olaf turns toward her. The carrot accidentally slams all the way through his head. OLAF Woo! Head rush! ANNA Oh! Too hard. I'm sorry! I-I, I was just.... Are you okay? Olaf sees a tiny piece of carrot sticking out between his eyes. He lights up. OLAF Are you kidding me? I am wonderful! I've always wanted a nose. (going cross-eyed to look at his tiny nose) So cute. It's like a little baby unicorn. Anna reaches behind Olaf to the bulk of the carrot sticking out the back of his head, and pushes it forward. OLAF (CONT'D) What? Hey! Whoa. (seeing his now big nose) Oh, I love it even more! Hah.... All right, let's start this thing over. Hi everyone. I'm Olaf. And I like warm hugs. Olaf opens his arms wide to Anna. That triggers a memory. It takes her a moment to place it, but then she does. ANNA Olaf?...That's right, Olaf. 55 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF ...And you are? ANNA Oh, um...I'm Anna. OLAF And who's the funky-looking donkey over there? ANNA That's Sven. OLAF Uh-huh. And who's the reindeer? ANNA ...Sven. Olaf looks from Kristoff to Sven, confused. OLAF Oh. They're--oh, okay.... (accepting it) Makes things easier for me. Sven tries to bite Olaf's nose. OLAF (CONT'D) Ha. Aw, look at him tryin' to kiss my nose. (gushes) I like you, too! ANNA Olaf, did Elsa build you? OLAF Yeah. Why? Curious, Kristoff takes one of Olaf's twig arms off, studies it. It seems to be moving in sync with his other arm. ANNA Do you know where she is? KRISTOFF (studying the arm) Fascinating... OLAF Yeah. Why? 56 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Do you think you could show us the way? OLAF Yeah. Why? KRISTOFF (bending the arm) How does this work? Olaf's dismembered arm slaps Kristoff across the face. OLAF Stop it, Sven. Trying to focus here. (to Anna) Yeah, why? KRISTOFF I'll tell you why. We need Elsa to bring back summer. OLAF (shocked) Summer? (sinking into wistfulness) Oh, I don't know why but I've always loved the idea of summer, and sun, and all things hot. KRISTOFF Really? I'm guessing you don't have much experience with heat. OLAF Nope. But sometimes I like to close my eyes and imagine what it'd be like when summer does come. DISSOLVE TO: OLAF'S FANTASY WORLD -- PERFECT SUMMER DAY Olaf walks through a grassy meadow with the sun shining behind him. He SINGS. "In Summer" OLAF BEES'LL BUZZ / KIDS'LL BLOW DANDELION FUZZ / AND I'LL BE DOING WHATEVER SNOW DOES IN SUMMER. 57 FROZEN - J. Lee -Olaf now lies in the sand on a beach. OLAF (CONT'D) A DRINK IN MY HAND / MY SNOW UP AGAINST THE BURNING SAND / PROB'LY GETTING GORGEOUSLY TANNED IN SUMMER. -Olaf sails in a boat. OLAF (CONT'D) I'LL FINALLY SEE A SUMMER BREEZE / BLOW AWAY A WINTER STORM / -Olaf floats in the water. All his pieces begin to separate. OLAF (CONT'D) AND FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO SOLID WATER / WHEN IT GETS WARM. -Olaf tumbles on a sandy beach with sand-snowmen. OLAF (CONT'D) AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE / WHAT MY BUDDIES ALL THINK OF ME / JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH COOLER I'LL BE IN SUMMER . . ! -Olaf and the seagull break out into a tap-dance. OLAF (CONT'D) DA DA . . . DA DOO / AH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BOO. -Olaf and another snowman drink hot chocolate in a hot tub. OLAF (CONT'D) THE HOT AND THE COLD ARE BOTH SO INTENSE / PUT `EM TOGETHER, IT JUST MAKES SENSE! -Olaf tap dances with a gaggle of seagulls. OLAF (CONT'D) RATDADAT DAD DADA DOO . . . -Olaf bounds down a grassy hill. OLAF (CONT'D) WINTER'S A GOOD TIME TO STAY IN AND CUDDLE / BUT PUT ME IN SUMMER AND I'LL BE A... He stops at a puddle, looks down at it. Smiles. Hops over it. 58 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF (CONT'D) HAPPY SNOWMAN! -Olaf runs with a checkered blanket that he spreads out. He relaxes and stares at the blue sky. OLAF (CONT'D) WHEN LIFE GETS ROUGH I LIKE TO HOLD ON TO MY DREAM / OF RELAXING IN THE SUMMER SUN JUST LETTING OFF STEAM! Sven, Anna, Kristoff and Olaf have a picnic. OLAF (CONT'D) OH THE SKY WILL BE BLUE / AND YOU GUYS'LL BE THERE TOO / WHEN I FINALLY DO WHAT FROZEN THINGS DO IN SUMMER! KRISTOFF I'm gonna tell him. ANNA Don't you dare. OLAF IN SUMMER! Olaf sings the final note. We swing around him and return to: REALITY. He then straightens up and smiles. OLAF (CONT'D) So, come on! Elsa's this way. Let's go bring back summer! Olaf grabs Anna's hand and pulls her along up the mountain. ANNA (laughing) I'm coming! Sven hops along, happily following them. Kristoff watches all of them like they're nuts. KRISTOFF Somebody's got to tell him. DISSOLVE TO: 59 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. ARENDELLE, VILLAGE -- DAY A layer of solid ice coats everything. People huddle around weak fires. Anxiety runs high amongst the villagers and guests. We pass two CITIZENS fighting over a woodpile. CITIZEN ONE No. No. You've got the bark facing down. The bark needs to be face-up. CITIZEN TWO Bark down is drier. CITIZEN ONE Bark up. CITIZEN TWO Bark down. CITIZEN ONE Bark up. Like a light in the dark, Hans moves through the crowd. HANS Cloak. Does anyone need a cloak? GERDA Arendelle is indebted to you, Your Highness. HANS The castle is open. There's soup and hot glögg in the Great Hall. He hands the stack of cloaks to a guard. HANS (CONT'D) Here. Pass these out. Just then the Duke approaches Hans. DUKE Prince Hans, are we just expected to sit here and freeze while you give away all of Arendelle's tradable goods? HANS (tall and confident) Princess Anna has given her orders and-- 60 FROZEN - J. Lee DUKE And that's another thing; has it dawned on you that your princess may be conspiring with a wicked sorceress to destroy us all? Hans's nice eyes turn to threatening slits. HANS Do not question the Princess. She left me in charge, and I will not hesitate to protect Arendelle from treason. DUKE (flabbergasted, offended) Treason?! Suddenly they hear the alarmed whinny of Anna's horse. It returns alone, bucking and kicking. Hans grabs its reins. HANS Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, boy. Easy. Easy. CROWD (various) Princess Anna's horse. What happened to her? Where is she? Hans steadies the horse, looks up at the mountain. He sees all the panicked faces of the kingdom looking to him. HANS ...Princess Anna is in trouble. (calling out) I need volunteers to go with me to find her! Volunteers, some from Arendelle, some from other lands, rush up to offer their services. DUKE I volunteer two men, my Lord! (quietly to his thugs) Be prepared for anything, and should you encounter the Queen, you are to put an end to this winter. Do you understand? His two thugs sneer. CUT TO: 61 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. THE NORTH MOUNTAIN -- DAY Anna, Kristoff, Sven, and Olaf move through hostile terrain. Wind-swept icicles face horizontal. KRISTOFF So how exactly are you planning to stop this weather? ANNA (confident) Oh, I am gonna talk to my sister. KRISTOFF That's your plan? My ice business is riding on you talking to your sister. ANNA Yup. Kristoff, so stunned by her casual plan, doesn't look where he's going and ends up with an ice-spike to the nose. He stops short, GULP, moves carefully around the spike. KRISTOFF So you're not at all afraid of her? ANNA Why would I be? OLAF (oblivious) Yeah. I bet Elsa's the nicest, gentlest, warmest person ever. Olaf backs right into an icicle. It runs through his torso. OLAF (CONT'D) Oh, look at that. I've been impaled. He laughs it off. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. STEEP MOUNTAIN FACE -- DAY Anna and Kristoff hit what looks like a dead end. The face of the mountain goes straight up. ANNA What now? 62 FROZEN - J. Lee Kristoff looks around, sighs. Digs in his rucksack. KRISTOFF ...It's too steep. I've only got one rope, and you don't know how to climb mountains. ANNA (O.S.) Says who? Sven nudges Kristoff, who looks up to see Anna trying to climb the cliff's flat face. KRISTOFF (finding her ridiculous) What are you doing? ANNA (straining) ...I'm going to see my sister. KRISTOFF You're going to kill yourself. Kristoff watches her searching for footholds and hand-holds. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) I wouldn't put my foot there. ANNA (O.S.) You're distracting me. KRISTOFF Or there. How do you know Elsa even wants to see you? ANNA (O.S.) I'm just blocking you out cause I gotta concentrate here. KRISTOFF You know, most people who disappear into the mountains want to be alone. ANNA (O.S.) Nobody wants to be alone. Except maybe you-- KRISTOFF I'm not alone.... I have friends, remember? Anna kicks a foot above her head to catch a foot hold. 63 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA You mean the love experts? KRISTOFF Yes, the love experts! Anna realizes she's stuck. ANNA ...Please tell me I'm almost there. REVEAL: she's only about six feet up. Her muscles shake. ANNA (CONT'D) ...Does the air seem a bit thin to you up here? Kristoff smiles, getting a kick out of her. KRISTOFF Hang on. He pulls the rope from his bag. Just then Olaf steps out from behind a rock and waves to Kristoff. OLAF Hey, Sven? Not sure if this is going to solve the problem, but I found a staircase that leads exactly where you want it to go. ANNA Ha ha. Thank goodness. Catch! Anna drops off the cliff. Kristoff catches her. ANNA (CONT'D) Thanks! That was like a crazy trust exercise. She hops down, brushes off her dress, and bounds off. Kristoff watches after her, digging her fearless pluck. EXT. BASE OF THE ICE PALACE -- DAY Anna, Kristoff, and Olaf approach Elsa's elegant ice palace. ANNA Whoa. KRISTOFF (in awe) Now that's ice. I might cry. 64 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Go ahead. I won't judge. Anna climbs the steps with Olaf. Sven tries to follow. His hooves slip out. He scrambles but can't get traction. Kristoff runs to his aide. KRISTOFF All right, take it easy. I gotcha. Kristoff settles Sven back down the stairs and pats him. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) You stay right here, buddy. Sven obediently plops his reindeer butt down and wags his tail. Kristoff climbs the stairs, admiring the ice details. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) ...Flawless. Anna arrives at the door. Hesitates. OLAF ...Knock.... (she doesn't) Just knock.... (she doesn't. To Kristoff) Why isn't she knocking...? Do you think she knows how to knock? Anna finally KNOCKS. The sound echoes inside. The ice doors slide open. ANNA Ha. It opened. That's a first. Anna goes to step in. Kristoff follows. She gets a thought, stops him. ANNA (CONT'D) You should probably wait out here. KRISTOFF What? ANNA Last time I introduced her to a guy, she froze everything. KRISTOFF But, it's a palace made of ice. Ice is my life. 65 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF Bye, Sven. Olaf starts to head inside. Anna stops him. ANNA You too, Olaf. OLAF Me? ANNA Just give us a minute. OLAF Okay. As Anna walks inside. Olaf starts counting. OLAF (CONT'D) One...two... Kristoff joins in. OLAF AND KRISTOFF Three...four... INT. ELSA'S PALACE -- DAY Anna walks into a great foyer. The place is beautiful, but also eerie. ANNA Elsa? It's me...Anna?! Anna slips. Steadies herself. ELSA (O.S.) Anna. Elsa steps out of the shadows onto a balcony. She sees Anna, looks to her longingly. Anna can't help but be struck by Elsa's beauty. ANNA Elsa, you look different.... It's a good different.... And this place is amazing. 66 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA (cautious, polite) Thank you, I never knew what I was capable of. Anna starts to climb the stairs. ANNA ...I'm so sorry about what happened. If I'd known-- Elsa backs up, away from Anna. ELSA (on guard) No, it's okay. You don't have to apologize.... But you should probably go, please. ANNA But I just got here. ELSA ...You belong in Arendelle. ANNA So do you. Anna takes another step up. Elsa backs up more. ELSA No, I belong here. Alone. Where I can be who I am without hurting anybody. ANNA ...Actually, about that-- OLAF (O.S.) 58...59...60. ELSA Wait. What is that? Olaf comes running in the front door. He waves. OLAF Hi, I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs. ELSA (shocked) Olaf? Olaf stops beside Anna, looks up at Elsa, intimidated. 67 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF (bashful) You built me. You remember that? ELSA (astonished) And you're alive? OLAF Um...I think so? Anna kneels down beside Olaf. ANNA He's just like the one we built as kids.... We were so close. We can be like that again. Elsa smiles, but then a memory returns to her. FLASH CUT TO: FLASHBACK: Young Anna is struck by Elsa's powers. YOUNG ELSA Anna! Young Anna falls unconscious. Young Elsa races to her. FLASH CUT TO: THE PRESENT: Elsa's face sinks in pain. ELSA No, we can't. Elsa turns and heads up the second story steps. ELSA (CONT'D) Goodbye, Anna. ANNA Elsa, wait-- ELSA (calling back) I'm just trying to protect you. Elsa continues to flee. Anna pursues. ANNA You don't have to protect me. I'm not afraid. Please don't shut me out again. 68 FROZEN - J. Lee Anna SINGS. "First Time in Forever, Reprise" ANNA (CONT'D) PLEASE DON'T SLAM THE DOOR. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE ANYMORE. `CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, WE CAN FIX THIS HAND IN HAND. WE CAN HEAD DOWN THIS MOUNTAIN TOGETHER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR. `CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I WILL BE RIGHT HERE. They arrive on the top floor, Elsa's main living space. Elsa turns back to Anna, grateful, but determined. ELSA Anna, PLEASE GO BACK HOME. YOUR LIFE AWAITS. GO ENJOY THE SUN AND OPEN UP THE GATES. ANNA Yeah, but-- ELSA I know! YOU MEAN WELL, BUT LEAVE ME BE. YES, I'M ALONE BUT I'M ALONE AND FREE. Elsa opens up the balcony doors. ELSA (CONT'D) JUST STAY AWAY AND YOU'LL BE SAFE FROM ME. ANNA ACTUALLY, WE'RE NOT. ELSA WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT? 69 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA I GET THE FEELING YOU DON'T KNOW? ELSA WHAT DO I NOT KNOW? ANNA ARENDELLE'S IN DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP SNOW. ELSA What? Elsa looks past Anna's shoulder out white-peaked mountains. ANNA You kind of set off an eternal winter...everywhere. ELSA Everywhere? ANNA It's okay, you can just unfreeze it. ELSA No, I can't. I don't know how. ANNA Sure you can. I know you can. Snow starts to swirl around the room. ANNA (CONT'D) CUZ FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, ELSA (panicking) I'M SUCH A FOOL! I CAN'T BE FREE! ANNA YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID. ELSA NO ESCAPE FROM THE STORM INSIDE OF ME! The snow picks up. Anna tries to fight through it. ANNA WE CAN WORK THIS OUT TOGETHER. 70 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA I CAN'T CONTROL THE CURSE! ANNA WE'LL REVERSE THE STORM YOU'VE MADE. ELSA ANNA, PLEASE, YOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE! ANNA DON'T PANIC. ELSA THERE'S SO MUCH FEAR! ANNA WE'LL MAKE THE SUN SHINE BRIGHT. ELSA YOU'RE NOT SAFE HERE! ANNA WE CAN FACE THIS THING TOGETHER... But as Anna sings, we lose sight of her in the thickening blizzard taking over the room. ELSA NO! ANNA (O.S.) WE CAN CHANGE THIS WINTER WEATHER, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE... Anna's voice disappears in the storm as Elsa cries out. ELSA I CAN'T! Elsa's fear, so strong, sucks the blizzard back into her and then it bursts out, unwittingly, like a sharp snowflake. Anna is STRUCK right in the heart. She grasps her chest in pain and stumbles back. She falls to her knees. Elsa gasps when she sees Anna. Just then, Olaf and Kristoff rush into the room to Anna's side. KRISTOFF Anna. Are you okay? 71 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA I'm okay.... I'm fine. Anna gets to her feet, determined to hide the pain. ELSA (scared) Who's this? Wait, it doesn't matter. You have to go. ANNA No, I know we can figure this out together-- ELSA (desperate) How? What power do you have to stop this winter? To stop me? Anna doesn't have the answer. Kristoff sees spiky ice shadows creeping down the walls. Puts a protective arm around Anna. KRISTOFF Anna, I think we should go. ANNA (close to tears) No. I'm not leaving without you, Elsa. ELSA (heartbroken but decisive) Yes, you are. Elsa waves her arms and builds a giant, menacing snowman. We'll call him MARSHMALLOW. SLAM CUT TO: EXT. ICE PALACE -- DAY Marshmallow holds Anna and Kristoff by the scruff of their necks in one hand and Olaf in the other. ANNA Stop. Put us down! OLAF (to Marshmallow) You are a lot stronger than I think you realize. Marshmallow tosses Kristoff and Anna down the steps. 72 FROZEN - J. Lee MARSHMALLOW (like a bouncer) Go away! Anna and Kistoff slide past Sven, who's got his tongue stuck to the ice railing. OLAF (O.S.) Heads up! Olaf's head smashes into a snowbank nearby. ANNA Olaf! OLAF Watch out for my butt! Anna and Kristoff duck as the rest of Olaf slams into the snowbank. Marshmallow turns to go back into the castle. Incensed, Anna tries to march back up the stairs. ANNA It is not nice to throw people! Kristoff grabs her, pulls her back. KRISTOFF ANNA All right feisty pants. Calm Let me at him. I want to get down. Woaw. Just let the snow him. I.... Okay. I'm Calm. man be. Anna backs down...for a moment. Then she grabs a snowball and throws it at Marshmallow. The tiny little ball hits Marshmallow's back, not making even the slightest dent. But it's enough to infuriate him. He ROARS. Spikes shoot out of his joints. KRISTOFF Uh-oh. Now you made him mad! OLAF ...I'll distract him. You guys go. Kristoff pushes Anna along. Sven runs off in the opposite direction. Olaf's belly and butt fall and follow Sven. OLAF (CONT'D) No, no, not you guys. 73 FROZEN - J. Lee Marshmallow goes charging after Anna and Kristoff as Olaf's head falls and lands face down in snow. OLAF (CONT'D) (muffled) This just got a whole lot harder. Anna and Kristoff leap and slide down a steep slope. They tumble to a stop at the bottom just as Marshmallow lands hard right behind them. They're off again...through a maze of conifers that sag under the weight of the snow, Marshmallow hot on their trail. KRISTOFF This way! Anna grabs a branch of a sagging trees and releases all of the snow. The tree snaps upright, knocking Marshmallow back. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (impressed) Ho-ho-ho! ANNA I got him! Anna and Kristoff burst out of the conifer forest and almost run right off a cliff. They stop short, toes on the edge. KRISTOFF Whoa, stop! ANNA It's a hundred foot drop. KRISTOFF It's two hundred. Kristoff ties the rope around Anna and pulls tight. ANNA Ow. He drops to his knees and starts digging a u-shape in the snow with a pick axe. ANNA (CONT'D) What's that for? KRISTOFF I'm digging a snow anchor. 74 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (not trusting) Okay. What if we fall? KRISTOFF There's twenty feet of fresh powder down there; it'll be like landing on a pillow.... Hopefully. They hear an angry ROAR coming closer. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Okay, Anna. On three. Anna preps for the jump like a boxer getting ready to fight. ANNA Okay. You tell me when... KRISTOFF One... ANNA ...I'm ready to go.... KRISTOFF Two... ANNA (pumped up) ...I was BORN ready! Yes! KRISTOFF Calm down. A huge tree flies through the air toward them. ANNA (O.S.) TREE! Anna jumps and pulls Kristoff over the edge with her. They hang upside down over the cliff by the rope. The rope catches their fall. KRISTOFF Whoa! That happened. Back up top, Olaf emerges from the woods. He's a complete mess, all his body parts are in the wrong places. He huffs and puffs, struggling to run. OLAF Ah. Ah. Man, am I out of shape. 75 FROZEN - J. Lee He stops. Puts his body back together in the right order. OLAF (CONT'D) There we go. Hey, Anna! Sven! Where'd ya guys go? We totally lost Marshmallow back there! Marshmallow steps up behind Olaf. Olaf turns to face him. OLAF (CONT'D) (happily) Hey. We were just talking about you. All good things, all good things. Marshmallow roars and approaches Kristoff's snow anchor. OLAF (CONT'D) NO! Olaf jumps onto Marshmallow's leg trying to stop him, but not making much of a difference. OLAF (CONT'D) This is not making much of a difference! Marshmallow flicks Olaf off his leg and right over the cliff. OLAF (CONT'D) WHOA! Olaf passes Anna and Kristoff. ANNA Olaf! OLAF Hang in there, guys! Marshmallow starts yanking Kristoff and Anna's rope up. ANNA Wait, what? Kristoff's head hits the cliff. KRISTOFF Aargghh! Kristoff passes out and hangs like a rag doll. ANNA Kristoff! 76 FROZEN - J. Lee Marshmallow pulls them up. He roars and breathes snow all over them. MARSHMALLOW Don't come back! ANNA (grossed out by his snow breath) Ugh. We won't. Anna whips out a knife and cuts the rope. Kristoff comes to just as they fall. They both SCREAM! SLAM! REVEAL: Anna opens her eyes to find herself buried up to her shoulders in the soft thick snow. She laughs. ANNA (CONT'D) Hey, you were right. Just like a pillow. She looks up to see Olaf's upper half hanging onto Kristoff's boots, which are sticking out of the snow. OLAF (shaking the boots) I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs! Suddenly, Kristoff's head pops up. He spits out snow. KRISTOFF Those are my legs. Olaf's bottom goes running by. OLAF (to Kristoff) Ooh. Hey, do me a favor, grab my butt. Kristoff grabs Olaf's head and puts it on his body. OLAF (CONT'D) Oh, that feels better. Sven walks up and sniffs Olaf's nose. OLAF (CONT'D) Hey, Sven! 77 FROZEN - J. Lee Olaf turns to Anna and Kristoff just as Sven goes to bite off his nose -- and misses. OLAF (CONT'D) He found us. (to Sven, funny voice) Who's my cute little reindeer? KRISTOFF Don't talk to him like that. Kristoff goes over to help Anna, who is stuck in the snow. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Here. He lifts her out easily. ANNA (impressed) Whoa! KRISTOFF You okay? ANNA Thank you. They meet eyes. Wait. Is that chemistry? ANNA (CONT'D) ...Um.... How's your head? She touches the spot where he banged his head. KRISTOFF (in pain) Ah! Ooh! He catches himself. Waves off the pain with a giggle. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) I mean, It's fine. Ah...I'm good. Ha. I've got a thick skull. OLAF I don't have a skull.... Or bones. KRISTOFF ...So.... The awkwardness is killing him. 78 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (shy) Now what? ANNA (shy) Now what? (then...panicking) Now what?! Oh! What am I gonna do? She threw me out. I can't go back to Arendelle with the weather like this. And then there's your ice business-- KRISTOFF Hey, hey, don't worry about my ice business... (noticing something) Worry about your hair?! She thinks he means it looks bad. She smooths it down. ANNA What? I just fell off a cliff. You should see your hair. KRISTOFF No, yours is turning white. She grabs her braid as a tendril turns white. ANNA White? It's what? KRISTOFF It's because she struck you; isn't it? ANNA Does it look bad? KRISTOFF (thinking) ...No. Olaf's head pops up. He's holding his head up off his body to join the conversation. OLAF You hesitated. KRISTOFF No, I didn't. Anna, you need help. Now, come on. 79 FROZEN - J. Lee He heads towards the sunset. Sven and Olaf follow. OLAF Okay! Where are we going? KRISTOFF To see my friends. ANNA (catching up) The love experts? OLAF Love experts?! KRISTOFF Yes. And don't worry; they'll be able to fix this. ANNA How do you know? He looks her over, remembering the moment he saw the trolls heal her as a child. KRISTOFF ...Because I've seen them do it before. As they round the bend, the sun sets and Olaf turns to Sven. OLAF I like to consider myself a love expert. CUT TO: INT. ELSA'S PALACE -- DAY Elsa paces, distraught. She talks to herself. ELSA (mantra-style) Get it together. Control it. Don't feel. Don't feel. Don't FEEL! She hears ice cracking. Stops. Looks around. She's left a sharp wake of ice spikes behind her on the floor. They grow up the wall, taking over the castle. DISSOLVE TO: 80 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. BLACK MOUNTAINS -- NIGHT The Northern Lights are bright. Olaf stares at them in awe as he rides on Sven's back. OLAF Look, Sven. The sky's awake. Behind Olaf and Sven, Anna walks with Kristoff. She shivers. KRISTOFF Are you cold? ANNA ...A little. He reaches like he might put an arm around her, but decides against it. He looks around as if he doesn't know what to do, then gets a thought. KRISTOFF Wait. Come here. He takes her hand and pulls her around a bend into a rock- lined pass. Steam vents, powered by the volcanic activity, dot the path. He holds her hands over one of them. ANNA Oooh.... That's nice. They continue on the path, walking from vent to vent. KRISTOFF (taking a deep breath) So, about my friends...well, I say friends, they're more like family.... Anyway, when I was a kid, it was just me and Sven...until they took me in. ANNA (moved) They did? KRISTOFF (nervous ramble) Yeah. I don't want to scare you, they can be a little bit inappropriate...and loud...very loud...they're also stubborn at times, and a little overbearing. And heavy. Really, really heavy. (MORE) 81 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (CONT'D) But they're fine.. You'll get it. They mean well. Anna touches Kristoff's arm, reassuringly. ANNA Kristoff, they sound wonderful. Kristoff smiles, appreciating her sincerity. KRISTOFF Okay then.... Mustering the courage, Kristoff steps forward and with a wave of the arms announces-- KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Meet my family. REVEAL: he's surrounded by rocks. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (to the rocks) Hey, guys! As Kristoff and Sven move through the rocks, waving and greeting, Olaf and Anna stand frozen, dumbfounded. ANNA (to herself) ...They're rocks. OLAF (realizing) He's crazy. (covertly, to Anna) I'll distract them while you run. (Loud and slow to a rock) Hi, Sven's family! It's nice to meet you! (quietly to Anna) Anna, because I love you, I insist you run. (to the rock) I understand you're love experts! (to Anna) Why aren't you running? Anna snaps out of her shock and starts backing away. ANNA Okay. Um...I'm gonna go-- Just then the rocks around her start rolling. 82 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA (CONT'D) (panicking) Kristoff! Olaf lights up and chases the rocks, who surround Kristoff and unfold as trolls. BULDA KRISTOFF'S HOME! TROLLS (VARIOUS) Kristoff! Kristoff's home! It's been too long! Kristoff's home! Olaf jumps around all excitedly. OLAF (excitedly) Kristoff's home. He then stops, confused, and looks to one of the trolls. OLAF (CONT'D) Wait? Kristoff? Anna watches, shocked and confused. The trolls all want Kristoff's attention. One troll yanks him down with a boulder's strength. TROLL ONE Oh, lemme look at you! Another troll tries to pull off his clothes. TROLL TWO Oh, take off your clothes, Kristoff; I wash them. KRISTOFF (holding up his pants) Ah! No. I'm gonna keep my clothes on, thank you. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Great to see you all. Where's grandpa? MUSHROOM KID TROLL He's napping. But look, I grew a mushroom. TROLL SCOUT KID And I earned my fire crystal. 83 FROZEN - J. Lee KIDNEY STONE TROLL I passed a kidney stone. PICK ME UP TROLL Pick me up. The kid troll jumps up on Kristoff's arm. Kristoff sinks under the weight of him. Anna still stares, confused, then realizes... ANNA Trolls? They're trolls. Silence. All troll eyes turn to Anna. Blink. Blink. BULDA ...He's brought a girl! TROLLS (TOGETHER) He's brought a girl! Suddenly Anna is surrounded by trolls. They body-surf/roll Anna over to Kristoff. She falls into his arms. ANNA What's going on? KRISTOFF I've learned to just roll with it. Bulda climbs on top of her husband, Cliff, to get a good look at Anna. She studies her like she's a piece of cattle. BULDA Let me see. Bright eyes. Working nose. Strong teeth. Yes, yes, yes. She'll do nicely for our Kristoff. ANNA Wait. Oh. Um. No. KRISTOFF You've got the wrong idea. That's not why I brought her here. ANNA Right. We're not. I'm not-- Anna laughs, uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. 84 FROZEN - J. Lee BULDA (to Anna) What's the issue, dear? Why are you holding back from such a man? Bulda SINGS. "Fixer-Upper" TROLLS (VARIOUS) IS IT THE CLUMPY WAY HE WALKS? OR THE GRUMPY WAY HE TALKS? OR THE PEAR-SHAPED, SQUARE-SHAPED WEIRDNESS OF HIS FEET? AND THOUGH WE KNOW HE WASHES WELL HE ALWAYS ENDS UP SORTA SMELLY. BUT YOU'LL NEVER MEET A FELLA WHO'S AS SENSITIVE AND SWEET. TROLLS (CHORUS) (CONT'D) SO HE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, SO HE'S GOT A FEW FLAWS- HIS PECULIAR BRAIN, DEAR. HIS THING FOR THE REINDEER THAT OUTSIDE A FEW OF NATURE'S LAWS. SO HE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, BUT THIS WE'RE CERTAIN OF- YOU CAN FIX THIS FIXER UPPER UP WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LOVE. KRISTOFF Can we just stop talking about this?! We've got a real, actual problem here. BULDA I'll say-- (To Anna) IS IT THE WAY THAT HE RUNS SCARED? TROLLS (VARIOUS) OR THAT HE'S SOCIALLY IMPAIRED? KID TROLL OR THAT HE ONLY LIKES TO TINKLE IN THE WOODS? TROLLS (VARIOUS) ARE YOU HOLDING BACK YOUR FONDNESS DUE TO HIS UNMANLY BLONDENESS? OR THE WAY HE COVERS UP THAT HE'S THE HONEST GOODS? 85 FROZEN - J. Lee TROLLS (CHORUS) (CONT'D) HE'S JUST A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER- HE'S GOT A COUPLE A' BUGS. KRISTOFF No, I don't. TROLLS HIS ISOLATION IS CONFIRMATION OF HIS DESPERATION FOR HEALING HUGS. SO HE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, BUT WE KNOW WHAT TO DO. THE WAY TO FIX UP THIS FIXER UPPER IS TO FIX HIM UP WITH YOU. The girl trolls sweep Anna away. The boys take Kristoff. KRISTOFF (to the male trolls) Enough! She's engaged to someone else. Okay?! TROLLS beat. Blink. Blink. The boy trolls turn, huddle... TROLLS (VARIOUS) SO SHE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, THAT'S A MINOR THING. THIS QUOTE "ENGAGEMENT" IS A FLEX ARRANGEMENT. KID TROLL AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T SEE NO RING. TROLLS (VARIOUS) SO SHE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, HER BRAIN'S A BIT BETWIXT. GET THE FIANCE OUT OF THE WAY AND THE WHOLE THING WILL BE FIXED! GIRL TROLLS WE AREN'T SAYING YOU CAN CHANGE HIM TROLLS (VARIOUS) 'CAUSE PEOPLE DON'T REALLY CHANGE. WE'RE ONLY SAYING THAT LOVE'S A FORCE THAT'S POWERFUL AND STRANGE. PEOPLE MAKE BAD CHOICES IF THEY'RE MAD OR SCARED OR STRESSED. (MORE) 86 FROZEN - J. Lee TROLLS (VARIOUS) (CONT'D) BUT THROW A LITTLE LOVE THEIR WAY (THROW A LITTLE LOVE THEIR WAY) AND YOU'LL BRING OUT THEIR BEST! TRUE LOVE BRINGS OUT THE BEST! Kristoff looks over at Anna. She actually looks shockingly beautiful dressed in moss, lit by shimmering crystals. ALL TROLLS EVERYONE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT FATHER, SISTER, BROTHER WE NEED EACH OTHER TO RAISE US UP AND ROUND US OUT By this time Kristoff and Anna are being ushered into a pit by the sheer force of numbers. TROLLS EVERYONE'S A BIT OF A FIXER UPPER, BUT WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE- THE ONLY FIXER UPPER FIXER THAT CAN FIX A FIXER UPPER IS TRUE TRUE TRUE TRUE LOVE During this last bit Anna and Kristoff are looking at each other differently. Hmmm. Maybe those trolls are right? Sparks! Chemistry! TROLL PRIEST Do you, Anna, take Kristoff to be your trollfully wedded-- ANNA Wait, what?! TROLL PRIEST You're getting married. TROLLS LOVE! Just then, Anna collapses. Kristoff catches her. She's shivering something fierce. KRISTOFF Anna? He pulls off her cape and hat. 87 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF (CONT'D) She's as cold as ice. Just then Grand Pabbie pushes his way through the crowd. Trolls clear the way for Pabbie. He stops at the edge of the pit. GRAND PABBIE There's strange magic here! KRISTOFF Grand Pabbie! GRAND PABBIE Bring her to me, Kristoff. Kristoff helps Anna over. Pabbie looks into her weak eyes. GRAND PABBIE (CONT'D) Anna, your life is in danger. There is ice in your heart, put there by your sister. If not removed, to solid ice will you freeze, forever. ANNA What...? No. KRISTOFF So remove it, Grand Pabbie. GRAND PABBIE I can't. If it was her head, that would be easy. But only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart. ANNA An act of true love? BULDA (googley, to her hubby) A true love's kiss, perhaps? A bunch of trolls give each other kisses. Anna shivers again, collapsing into Kristoff's arms. More of her hair turns white. KRISTOFF Anna, we've got to get you back to Hans. ANNA (still weak) ...Hans. 88 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF Help us out, Sven. Kristoff grabs Sven's antlers. Sven pulls them out. Kristoff helps Anna onto Sven and hops up behind her. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Come on, Olaf! Sven takes off. Olaf grabs Sven's tail, rides with them. OLAF I'm coming! Let's go kiss Hans! Who is this Hans?! CUT TO: EXT. ELSA'S PALACE - DAWN Hans and the men tread cautiously towards the castle. HANS We are here to find Princess Anna. Be on guard, but no harm is to come to the Queen. Do you understand? The Duke's thugs exchange a look. Suddenly, a mass of snow rises from the ground behind Hans. It's Marshmallow, Elsa's snow guard. MARSHMALLOW Go away! He slams a fist inches from Hans. Hans deftly dodges out of the way. All of the guards take up arms against Marshmallow, who quickly knocks them over. Marshmallow throws down a guard and his horse, who topple over Hans. Marshmallow raises his foot to stomp on Hans, but Hans barrel-rolls himself to safety. He sees his sword, leaps, and grabs it. Just then, Elsa peeks out the front doors. The Duke's two thugs see her. DUKE'S THUG The Queen. The thugs charge up the stairs. 89 FROZEN - J. Lee INT. ELSA'S PALACE -- DAY They guards burst through the ice doors. Elsa flees to the top floor of her palace. The guards pursue. They trap her on the top floor, raise their crossbows. ELSA (scared) No. Please. One of the thugs shoots an arrow right at Elsa. At the last moment she creates an ice wall. It stops the arrow, inches from her face. The thugs reposition to take another shot. ELSA (CONT'D) Stay away! Elsa shoots ice at the thugs. They duck out of the way and continue the attack. THUG Get her! Get her! Elsa fights for her life. BACK OUTSIDE: Hans is nearly crushed by Marshmallow. He rolls away. Jumps to his feet. And with agile might, he slices Marshmallow's leg off with his sword. Marshmallow stumbles back, off balance. And falls off over the cliff, but not before striking Hans. Hans goes over the edge. REVEAL: Hans clings to the ice steps. His men help him up and they rush into the ice palace. INT. ICE PALACE -- DAY Elsa is surrounded. It's do or die. In two swift moves, Elsa traps one thug in a cage of spikes that threaten his neck. The other she pushes back with a wall of ice....up against the balcony doors...which BURST and CRACK. OUT ONTO THE BALCONY.... The balcony doors shatter. The thug is pushed to the edge. He's inches away from falling to his death. BACK INSIDE: Hans and his men run in. See the destruction and the thugs near death. 90 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS Queen Elsa! Don't be the monster they fear you are. Elsa snaps out of her rage. She sees the men, frightened, moments from death. She stops. Elsa looks to Hans, overwhelmed, frightened. The wall retreats from the thug on the balcony. The ice spikes lower from the second thug's neck. He takes advantage and aims his crossbow at Elsa's back. Seeing it. Hans runs and pushes the crossbow up just as the arrow releases. The arrow hits the ice chandelier, hanging directly above Elsa. The chandelier comes CRASHING DOWN. Elsa dives out of the way but she falls in the blast. All we see is ice smashing like glass, and all we hear is the sound of it shattering as it rings out. CUT TO BLACK. FADE IN ON: Elsa's face as her eyes flutter open. She sits up. She's surrounded by stone. INT. ARENDELLE, DUNGEON -- DAY Elsa looks to the nearby window. Tries to rush to it. She's pulled taut by giant shackles that fit like iron gloves. She's chained to the wall. Elsa strains to looks out a window... INSET WINDOW: Arendelle is outside, frozen solid and getting further buried under the ice and snow that is falling. ELSA No....What have I done? Hans enters. He hangs a torch by the door. ELSA (CONT'D) Why did you bring me here? HANS I couldn't just let them kill you. 91 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA But I'm a danger to Arendelle. Get Anna. HANS Anna has not returned.... Elsa looks to the storm with worry. HANS (CONT'D) If you would just stop the winter, bring back summer...please. Elsa meets his eyes, desperate. ELSA Don't you see...I can't. Hans sees the sincerity in her eyes. ELSA (CONT'D) You have to tell them to let me go. Hans walks to the door. He takes the torch. HANS I will do what I can. He opens the door and leaves. Elsa, distraught, hears cracking. She looks down as her shackles begin to freeze over. The storm outside picks up. CUT TO: EXT. THE FJORDS -- DAY Sven charges down the mountain with Kristoff and Anna on his back. Olaf slides along beside them, penguin-style. Anna shivers in Kristoff's arms. She's weakening. Kristoff takes off his hat and puts it on her head. KRISTOFF Just hang in there. (to Sven) Come on, buddy, faster! They arrive at the walls of Arendelle. Olaf slides past them, out of control. OLAF I'll meet you guys at the castle! 92 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF Stay out of sight, Olaf! OLAF I will! He disappears into the village streets. OLAF (O.S.) (CONT'D) Hello! TOWNSWOMAN (O.S.) Ah! It's alive! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD -- DAY Guards see Kristoff and Anna approaching. GUARD It's Princess Anna! Sven skids to a stop outside the gates. Kristoff slides off, holding Anna, and carries her to the gate. KRISTOFF I've got you. Anna looks up at him, gratefully. ANNA ...Are you g-gonna be okay? KRISTOFF (touched, reassuring) Don't worry about me. Just then the castle gates open. Gerda, Kai, and a handmaid rush to help Anna. GERDA Anna! Oh, you had us worried sick. KAI My Lady. You are freezing. GERDA You poor girl, you're freezing. Let's get you inside. 93 FROZEN - J. Lee KRISTOFF Get her warm and find Prince Hans, immediately. KAI We will. Thank you. Anna is swept away from Kristoff and into the palace grounds. KRISTOFF Make sure she's safe! Kristoff is shut out as the castle gates close on him. Kristoff stands there with Sven for a beat, staring with worry at the closed gates. Finally, he sighs, turns and walks off. Sven reluctantly follows. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY -- DAY Hans stands with the dignitaries and guards. HANS I'm going back out to look for Princess Anna. FRENCH DIGNITARY You cannot risk going out there again. HANS If anything happens to her-- SPANISH DIGNITARY If anything happens to the Princess, you are all Arendelle has left. Hans hesitates, realizing how much this kingdom has come to depend on him. Is he really all they have left? Just then the door opens and Gerda and Kai bring in Anna. KAI He's in here. Prince Hans. HANS Anna. 94 FROZEN - J. Lee Hans rushes to Anna. She falls into his arms. HANS (CONT'D) You're so cold. ANNA (weak, but desperate) Hans, you have to kiss me. HANS What? ANNA Now. Here we go. She tries to kiss him, but is too weak to pull herself up in his arms. GERDA We'll give you two some privacy. Everyone shuffles out, leaving Hans and Anna alone. HANS What happened out there? ANNA Elsa struck me with her powers. HANS You said she'd never hurt you. ANNA I was wrong. Anna crumbles, weak. HANS Anna. Hans carries her to a couch, sets her down. ANNA (shivering more) She froze my heart and only an act of true love can save me. HANS (understanding) A true love's kiss. He takes her chin in his hand and gives her a tender smile. He leans in slowly...gently... 95 FROZEN - J. Lee Then he stops. HANS (CONT'D) Oh, Anna. If only there was someone out there who loved you. ANNA What? Hans gets up, leaving her there. ANNA (CONT'D) ...You said you did. He goes to the window and shuts the curtains. HANS As thirteenth in line in my own kingdom, I didn't stand a chance. I knew I'd have to marry into the throne somewhere-- ANNA What are you talking about? HANS (putting out the candles) As heir, Elsa was preferable, of course. But no one was getting anywhere with her. But you- ANNA Hans? HANS You were so desperate for love you were willing to marry me, just like that. Hans crosses the room, grabs a pitcher of water from a table and goes to the fireplace. HANS (CONT'D) I figured, after we married, I'd have to stage a little accident for Elsa. Hans pours the water on the fireplace, putting out the fire. Anna tries to stop him. She falls to the floor, weak. ANNA Hans. No, stop. 96 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS But then she doomed herself, and you were dumb enough to go after her. ANNA Please. HANS (chuckles) All that's left now is to kill Elsa and bring back summer. Hans approaches Anna. ANNA ...You're no match for Elsa. He bends down, takes her chin in his hand again, this time not so gently. HANS No, you're no match for Elsa. I, on the other hand, am the hero who is going to save Arendelle from destruction. She wrenches her face out of his hands. ANNA (anger) You won't get away with this. Hans rises and crosses to the door. HANS Oh, I already have. Hans leaves and shuts her in, locking the door. Anna struggles to the door, yanks on the locked handle. ANNA (hoarse and weak) Please, somebody help. The rest of her hair turns white and she crumbles to the floor. CUT TO: 97 FROZEN - J. Lee INT. COUNCIL CHAMBER -- NIGHT The Duke looks out the window at the growing snowstorm. He rubs his arms and shivers. DUKE It's getting colder by the minute. If we don't do something soon, we'll all freeze to death. Hans comes in, putting on his most distraught face. SPANISH DIGNITARY Prince Hans. HANS Princess Anna is...dead. VARIOUS DIGNITARIES What...? No.... Mon dieu. Hans stumbles, weak with grief. The men help him to a chair. DUKE What happened to her? HANS She was killed by Queen Elsa. DUKE Her own sister. HANS (really putting it on) At least we got to say our marriage vows...before she died in my arms. He bows his head in a brilliant display of teary grief. DUKE There can be no doubt now; Queen Elsa is a monster and we are all in grave danger. SPANISH DIGNITARY Prince Hans, Arendelle looks to you. Hans nods; he knows what he's being asked to do, and he'll do it with the perfect amount of authority and gravitas. 98 FROZEN - J. Lee HANS With a heavy heart, I charge Queen Elsa of Arendelle with treason and sentence her to death. INT. ELSA'S DUNGEON -- DAY The cell ices over. Elsa looks out at the storm that is devastating Arendelle, then hears the guards approaching. GUARD (O.S.) She's dangerous. Move quickly and with resolve. Elsa pulls at her shackles. They crack. Just as the door busts open, the weight of the ice crumbles the walls. The men duck out of the way. Hans pushes his way into the room...sees... The back wall is blown open. Broken shackles rest on the floor. Elsa is gone. CUT TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN SLOPE -- DAY Kristoff heads into the mountains. Sven lags behind, not wanting to follow. He looks back at the kingdom, then shakes his head. Enough. He runs past Kristoff. Stops and turns to face him. He snorts and grunts. KRISTOFF What is it, buddy? Sven nudges Kristoff with his antlers. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Hey, watch it. What's wrong with you? Sven snorts with more conviction, moos, brays. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) (avoiding) ...I don't understand you when you talk like that. 99 FROZEN - J. Lee Kristoff tries to walk on ahead, but Sven uses his antlers to lift Kristoff off the ground. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Ah! Stop it! Put me down! Sven drops him hard then "yells" at him once more. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) No, Sven! We're not going back! Sven shakes his head, angrily. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) She's with her true love. Sven makes an "of-course-she-isn't" face. Kristoff gets it; he's made his point. Just then the wind picks up. Kristoff looks back at the kingdom. Sees a violent winter storm swirling over the castle. Sharp ice claws its way up the castle, encasing it. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Anna. Without hesitating, he dashes back down the mountain. Sven runs after him, catches up. Kristoff grabs Sven's harness and jumps onto his back. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY -- NIGHT Anna shivers by the door. She looks up to see ice overtaking the ceiling. The door handle suddenly jiggles. Stops. Jiggles again. ANNA (barely a whisper) Help. CLICK. The door swings open. We see a carrot in the lock and hear a giggle of victory. Olaf takes the carrot, puts it back on his face. Then he sees Anna lying there. OLAF Anna. Oh no. He runs to the fireplace. Throws in some fresh wood, including one of his own arms, which he quickly rescues, before striking a match and relighting the fire. 100 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Olaf? Olaf. Get away from there. OLAF Whoa! So this is heat.... (considering) I love it. He reaches a twig finger toward the flames. It catches on fire. OLAF (CONT'D) Ooh! But don't touch it! He shakes the flame out, as he rushes over to help Anna to the fire. OLAF (CONT'D) So, where's Hans? What happened to your kiss? ANNA I was wrong about him. It wasn't true love. OLAF (confused innocence) Huh. But we ran all the way here? ANNA Please Olaf, you can't stay here; you'll melt. OLAF I am not leaving here until we find some other act of true love to save you. He sits down behind her, stubbornly. Leans his back against hers and thinks. OLAF (CONT'D) ...Do you happen to have any ideas? ANNA I don't even know what love is. OLAF (confident) That's okay, I do.... Olaf hops back up and puts a soothing hand on her shoulder. 101 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF (CONT'D) Love is...putting someone else's needs before yours, like, you know, how Kristoff brought you back here to Hans and left you forever. ANNA ...Kristoff loves me? OLAF Wow, you really don't know anything about love, do you? His face starts to melt. ANNA Olaf, you're melting. OLAF (sweet and reassuring) Some people are worth melting for. But then...his face REALLY melts. He panics, pushes the snow back in place. OLAF (CONT'D) Just maybe not right this second. Suddenly, the window blows open, cold wind sweeps in. OLAF (CONT'D) Don't worry, I've got it! Olaf flitters to the window. He pulls one panel of it shut but struggles with the second panel. OLAF (CONT'D) (determined) We're going to get through-- (distracted) Oh, wait. Hang on. I'm getting something. He breaks an icicle off the window, uses it as a telescope and sees... Kristoff and Sven running back down the mountain. OLAF (CONT'D) It's Kristoff and Sven! They're coming back this way. ANNA ...They-they are? 102 FROZEN - J. Lee OLAF Wow, he's really moving fast. Huh.... I guess I was wrong. I guess Kristoff doesn't love you enough to leave you behind. Anna tries to get to her feet. ANNA Help me up, Olaf. Please. He hurries over, tumbling over the couch, knocking over the chess set and water jugs. OLAF No, no, no, no, no. You need to stay by the fire and keep warm. ANNA I need to get to Kristoff. OLAF (clueless) Why...? (realizing) Oh, oh, oh, I know why. He hops around in an excited display of hope. OLAF (CONT'D) There's your act of true love, right there, riding across the fjords like a valiant, pungent reindeer king! Come on! The walls crack under the ice pressure. OLAF (CONT'D) Look out! They rush out the room just as the ceiling collapses. INT. CASTLE HALLWAY -- DAY Anna and Olaf struggle down the hall. Ice spikes grow and block their path. OLAF We're trapped. Anna looks around desperately for a way out. 103 FROZEN - J. Lee EXT. FJORD -- DAY Elsa runs, but is nearly blinded by the snow and wind. EXT. CASTLE -- DAY Anna and Olaf bust open a window. The storm is so strong it sweeps the window panes away. OLAF Slide, Anna. It's a long, snowy way down. But what choice do they have? They slide down the iced-covered building. Anna arrives at the bottom, weak but uninjured. Olaf gathers snow along the way. He arrives at the bottom as a giant snowball. OLAF (CONT'D) We made it! He shakes off the extra snow as Anna struggles to her feet. EXT. FJORD -- DAY Kristoff and Sven bound off the mountain and sprint across the frozen fjord waters and right into the heart of the storm. Its white-out wind pushes them back. But they fight through. KRISTOFF Come on, buddy, faster. CUT TO: Anna and Olaf reach the shore of the fjords. ANNA Kristoff! The wind lifts Olaf up and pulls him apart. He goes swirling off into the storm. OLAF Keep going, Anna! Anna struggles on. 104 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Kristoff! PAN TO: Kristoff rides Sven past cracking, frozen ships. Sven struggles over the uneven surface. KRISTOFF Come on! Come on! Suddenly, a mangled ship, risen by ice, capsizes over them. They give it all they've got as debris falls all around them and the mast shatters. They make it past just as the entire ship slams down and cracks the thick ice beneath their feet. The ice opens up. Sven bravely jumps over a gap. But it's too wide. He bucks Kristoff to safety, but lands in the freezing water and disappears below. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Sven? Sven! At first there's nothing but the wind and the tumbling icy water. But suddenly, Sven surfaces and claws his way to a floating ice chunk. He calls out, signalling for Kristoff to go on. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) Good boy. CUT TO: Anna moves blindly across the fjord. Anna's hands frost over an icy blue. She stumbles on, determined. But she's running out of time. She clutches her chest. The color in her eyes fades, the inevitable is coming. CUT TO: Kristoff, lost in the white-out, doesn't know which way to turn. But then he hears a faint-- ANNA (O.S.) Kristoff. KRISTOFF Anna...? Anna! WHITE OUT TO: 105 FROZEN - J. Lee Elsa struggles through her own storm, but the fear is consuming her. A dark shadow approaches. It's Hans. HANS Elsa. You can't run from this! Elsa backs away from him. ELSA ...Just take care of my sister. HANS Your sister? She returned from the mountain weak and cold. She said you froze her heart. ELSA What? No. HANS I tried to save her, but it was too late. Her skin was ice. Her hair turned white... Elsa's face sinks as she realizes what she has done. HANS (CONT'D) Your sister is dead... because of you. Elsa drops to her knees, emotionally broken. And with that, the swirling storm suddenly stops. The snow freezes mid-air, hangs suspended, trapped in grief. Citizens and dignitaries rush to the wall's edge and look out to see... Anna, barely able to move but now able to see across the fjords to... ANNA (a whisper) Kristoff. KRISTOFF Anna. Anna pushes on towards Kristoff. He runs top speed towards her. There's still a lot of fjord to cross, but Kristoff is giving it all he's got. He's going to make it. But then, Anna hears the sound of a sword being drawn from its scabbard. She turns and sees Hans, behind Elsa, as he raises his sword over his head. 106 FROZEN - J. Lee ANNA Elsa. Anna looks back at Kristoff as he runs for her. She gives him a longing look, but then turns away from him and then... Using all of her remaining strength, as Hans brings his sword down, Anna throws herself in front of Elsa. ANNA (CONT'D) No! In that instant, Anna freezes to solid ice. The sword hits her instead of Elsa. The sword shatters completely. The force of it sends Hans flying back and knocks him out. ELSA Anna! Elsa rushes to Anna and touches her sister's frozen face. ELSA (CONT'D) Oh, Anna...no...no, please no. Olaf walks up and sees Anna, frozen. OLAF (confused, sad) Anna? Elsa hugs Anna and cries. Kristoff watches in shocked despair. Sven steps up to his side. Citizens and dignitaries on the castle walls bow their heads. All of Arendelle is joined in somber silence. But then, Anna warms. She begins to thaw. Olaf looks up and gasps. Kristoff and Sven notice, light up. Anna bends her arm and embraces Elsa. ELSA Wha-? Anna? Anna opens her eyes. She smiles at Elsa, relieved. ANNA Oh, Elsa. They embrace. 107 FROZEN - J. Lee ELSA ...You sacrificed yourself for me? ANNA (weak) ...I love you. Olaf realizes what's happened. He's so excited about it, he lifts his head right off his body and exclaims-- OLAF An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart. ELSA (processing) Love...will thaw... (realizing) Love.... Of course. Elsa looks at Anna with confidence. ANNA Elsa? ELSA Love. Elsa lifts her arms, and the ground shakes and cracks. The ice and snow breaks away and rises high into the air. Beneath their feet the bow of a ship thaws. The entire fjord melts and other boats right themselves. The villagers come out to see the warmth returning. In one final wave, Elsa draws all of the snow into a giant snowflake in the sky, then waves it away, leaving only a warm summer day. ANNA I knew you could do it. OLAF (melting, good-naturedly) Hands down, this is the best day of my life...and quite possibly the last. ELSA Oh, Olaf. Hang on, little guy. 108 FROZEN - J. Lee Elsa waves her hand and surrounds Olaf with a swirl of cold air. He refreezes. Above his head she leaves a little, perpetually-snowing storm cloud. Olaf loves it. OLAF Hey, my own personal flurry. Kristoff sees Hans trying to get to his feet. He marches toward him, prepared for a fight. But Anna puts up a hand and stops him. ANNA Uh. Uh. Uh. She'll handle this. She goes over to Hans. HANS (confused) Anna? But she froze your heart. ANNA The only frozen heart around here is yours. She turns away from him, proud of her words. But not yet satisfied, she turns back and punches him right in the face. HANS Ah! Whoa, whoa, whoa! He falls overboard. Elsa comes over to Anna and hugs her. Over her shoulder, Kristoff meets Anna's eyes. She smiles brighter, happy. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. ARENDELLE -- DAY It's a beautiful summer day. The mighty ships have been repaired and are sailing away. On one of the ships, HANS is thrown into a brig. FRENCH DIGNITARY (to Kai) I will return this scoundrel to his country. We shall see what his twelve big brothers think of his behavior. KAI Arendelle thanks you, my Lord. 109 FROZEN - J. Lee Down on the dock, Arendelle guards lead the Duke and his two thugs to their ship. DUKE This is unacceptable. I am innocent. I'm a victim of fear. I've been traumatized. (bad acting) Ow! My neck hurts. Is there a doctor I could...No? And I demand to see the Queen! Kai steps down from the gangplank to the dock. KAI I have a message from the Queen. (reading a scroll) Arendelle will henceforth and forever no longer do business of any sort with Weaseltown. DUKE Weselton. It's Weselton! The guards usher him and his thugs onto their ship. EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE -- DAY Anna runs through the crowd, pulling a blindfolded Kristoff along behind her. She's so excited she can't stand it. ANNA Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on! She runs him right into a pole. KRISTOFF Pole. ANNA Oops. Sorry. EXT. ARENDELLE DOCKS -- DAY Anna skips to the perfect spot and stops. ANNA (stopping) Okay. Okay. Here we are. 110 FROZEN - J. Lee She takes off the blindfold. Kristoff opens his eyes. Before him sits the most beautiful, suped-up sled. Sven poses in front of it -- Vanna White-style. ANNA (CONT'D) I owe you a sled. KRISTOFF (blown away) Are you serious? ANNA Yes. And it's the latest model. KRISTOFF No. I can't accept this... ANNA You have to. No returns. No exchanges. Queen's orders. She's named you the official Arendelle Ice Master and Deliverer. Sven shows off the Ice-Master-and-Deliverer medal like he's king of the bucks. KRISTOFF What? That's not a thing. But he can't help but admire her enthusiasm. ANNA Sure it is. And it even has a cup holder.... Do you like it? KRISTOFF Like it? He sweeps her up high overhead and spins her around. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) I love it.... I could kiss you! He drops her, suddenly embarrassed. KRISTOFF (CONT'D) ...I could. I mean I'd like to. I'd... may I? We me....I mean, may we? Wait, what? She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. ANNA We may. 111 FROZEN - J. Lee He smiles and goes for it. It's a true love's kiss, alright. We move past them to find Olaf enjoying the summer. With his snow cloud safely overhead, he's free to smell the flowers, which he does. Then sneezes his carrot nose off. Sven catches it between his teeth. Olaf gasps as Sven sucks the whole carrot into his mouth. It's gone. Olaf's face sinks in sadness. But not to fear, Sven spits the carrot back out and jams it into Olaf's face where it belongs. It's completely covered in reindeer spit, but Olaf doesn't seem to mind. He hugs Sven happily. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD -- DAY The gates to the castle are wide open. In the courtyard, stands Elsa. ELSA Are you ready? Villagers cheer. Elsa stops and creates an ice rink. The people, skates at the ready, hope onto it and twirl about. Elsa then freezes the fountain in a beautiful design and adds some snow flurries for atmosphere. Anna comes slipping in. Elsa catches her. ANNA I like the open gates. ELSA We are never closing them again. Elsa then waves her hand and magical ice skates (literally made of ice) form on Anna's boots. ANNA What? Oh, Elsa, they're beautiful, but you know I don't ska-- Elsa grabs Anna's hands and pulls her along on the ice. Anna slips and slides, but laughs in delight. Sven goes slipping past. Kristoff runs after him. KRISTOFF Look out. Reindeer coming through! 112 FROZEN - J. Lee Olaf skates and helps Elsa coach Anna. OLAF That's it. Glide and pivot and glide and pivot. We pull away slowly, into the sky. We arrive at a bird's-eye view to see that where the castle had crumbled has been repaired with a ice. All is right in Arendelle. FINAL FADE OUT. THE END